,,peradventure ,,or ,,the ,,silence ,,of ,,god ,,by ,,robert ,,keable ,he is a god2 peradventure he sleepeth--#a ,kings xviii4 #bg ,,constable ,,co ,,ltd ,,london ,,bombay ,,sydney ,first published1 #aibb ,,by ,,the ,,same ,,author ,,the ,,mother ,,of ,,all ,,living ,a ,,city ,,of ,,the ,,dawn ,,simon ,,called ,,peter ,,pilgrim ,,papers ,,standing ,,by ,,etc4 ,,dedication ,,my ,,dear ,,christopher1 ,recently a very eminent ,anglican divine gave us a book which he said embodied forty years of profound thought4 ,in it he deals to no small extent with the subject of this novel1 a novel which1 though hiddenly1 ,i wish to dedicate to you4 ,i want to do so because1 perhaps1 you alone of all my friends will know how much herein written down is true to the life we both led and both have left4 ,it is odd1 ,i think1 as ,i look back1 how little we have seen of each other1 and how much3 how little1 because great tracts of your life and mine have been traversed wholly apart1 and we only met1 in the beginning1 when we had both of us come some distance along the way2 but how much1 since each time we met and walked a mile or two together1 we talked very freely and we found we understood4 ,now1 as like as not1 ,i shall see increasingly less of you1 seeing that you have become a ,catholic1 a religious1 and a priest at that4 ,it is little one knows of life and its surprises1 but we have shaken hands at the cross-roads anyway4 ,a moment1 then1 ere you go up the steep hill ahead of you1 and a moment ere ,i take my own road that has ,i cannot see what level or uphill or down in it1--a moment ere you put my book in your pocket for the sake of the days gone by4 ,you will appreciate the fact that ,i should have put my thought into a novel and not into a book of serious theology4 ,man's thoughts about ,god are read best in a novel4 ,yes1 on the one hand1 they are best set in a transitory frivolous form that booksellers will expose on their stalls labelled with one of those neatly-printed little tickets--you know3 ,just the ,book for a ,long ,journey--to catch the attention of a man off for his holiday or a girl bored with having to return4 ,yes1 they are best set where they can be read in a few hours by the drawing-room fire4 ,for1 after all1 ten years or forty or four hundred of man's profound thought about ,god is worth1 maybe a little more than the price of a pound of chocolates1 maybe a little less than that of a theatre seat4 ,besides the novel has a coloured wrapper1 and they are not yet brave enough or sufficiently wise to wrap up theology in that form4 ,but on the other hand1 my dear ,chris1 there is no form of writing yet devised quite so true or quite so profound as the novel of human affairs may well be4 ,for1 ,incarnation or no ,incarnation1 beyond doubt you cannot separate man and ,god4 ,we have no medium other than the human brain by which to think of ,him1 however illumined or deluded that brain may be1 and no other measure of ,his ,person than that of human life4 ,your abstract theologian may decide that ,he is or is not a ,father3 it is man's striving soul that knows2 and against their presumptive reasoning of the spiritual heaven1 ,i would set half a dozen pages torn from earth4 ,you will be well aware as you read that these chapters are such pages truly enough4 ,i do not mean that it is not the stuff of fiction that is here1 but ,i do protest that ,claxted and ,keswick and ,port o' ,man and ,thurloe ,end and ,fordham1 yes1 and ,zanzibar1 are true to type1 though many readers will scarcely believe me4 ,i can see the critics mocking though the ink is not yet dry upon the page4 ,and if1 by chance1 one of them should catch a fleeting glimpse of his own face in the glass1 he will assuredly throw it up at me that the mirror is distorted4 ,yet1 as ,samuel ,butler says3 ,if a bona fide writer thinks a thing wants saying 444 the question whether it will do him personally good or harm1 or how it will affect this or that friend1 never enters his head1 or if it does1 it is instantly ordered out again4 ,allow me then1 for this reason1 your name within the boards4 ,you will know1 however much you disapprove1 that there is no malice here4 ,for what would ,i gain by mockery1 old friend1 who have already lost friends enough by speaking the truth8 ,it is a pitiable dance this of ours around the altar of ,baal1 over which1 if ,god be too divine1 at least man should be human enough rather to weep than to mock4 ,yet ,i believe1 as indeed ,i have written1 that sorrow in the human story is but the shadow of a lovelier thing2 that the grass grows green1 that the flower blows red1 that in the wide sea also are things creeping innumerable both small and great beasts1 and that every one is good4 ,and ,god's in ,his ,heaven8 ,peradventure4 ,at least ,his ,veil is fair4 ,but--and it is a big but--for you in your high vocation and for me in this of mine1 for each of us1 oddly enough1 in his own way1 there is a verse from ,miss ,v4 ,h4 ,friedlaender's ,a ,friendship which ,i find ,i cannot easily forget3 ,when we are grown ,we know it is for us ,to rend the flowery lies from worlds ,foul with hypocrisy2 ,to perish stoned and blinded in the desert-- ,that men unborn may see4 ,and ,i want to set that down too1 before a reader turns a page4 ,ever yours1 ,,robert ,,keable4 ,,contents ,,chapter ,,dedication ,i4 ,,lambeth ,,court ,,ii4 ,,cambridge ,,iii4 ,,christmas ,,carols ,,iv4 ,,father ,,vassall ,v4 ,,vacation ,,vi4 ,,mount ,,carmel ,,vii4 ,,thurloe ,,end ,,viii4 ,,judgments ,,ix4 ,,fordham ,x4 ,,the ,,blind ,,beggar ,,xi4 ,,ursula ,,xii4 ,,zanzibar ,,peradventure ,,chapter ,i ,,lambeth ,,court ,bring me my ,bow of burning gold6 ,bring me my ,arrows of desire6 ,bring me my ,spear6 ,o clouds1 unfold6 ,bring me my ,chariot of fire6 ,i will not cease from ,mental ,fight1 ,nor shall my ,sword sleep in my hand1 ,till we have built ,jerusalem ,in ,england's green and pleasant land4 ,,blake3 ,milton4 ,thirsting for love and joy1 ,eager to mould and plan1 ,these were the dreams of a boy4444 ,,arthur ,c4 ,,benson3 ,peace and ,other ,poems4 7#a7 ,it must be presumed that some reason underlies the nomenclature of the ways of our more modern towns1 but the game of guessing will long remain an entertainment to the curious4 ,true1 we think to honour our illustrious dead by calling some business street wholly given over to modern commercialism after one of them1 as also we occasionally seek satisfaction by casting forth a name now identified with our equally infamous enemies2 but the process by which were named byways and courts that1 after all1 have not been in existence a lifetime1 must remain a puzzle4 ,thus if1 walking down the dreary monotony of ,apple ,orchard ,road1 one might conceive that at some time or another it boasted an apple-tree1 the most nimble imagination baulks at that blind alley leading from it into an open irregular space entirely surrounded by the meanest houses1 entitled ,lambeth ,court4 ,it1 at least1 was surely never associated with an ,archbishop4 ,the mere sight of his gaiters there would have been the occasion for an hilarious five minutes4 ,and if it was ever part of his property1 the least said about that the better4 ,for all this the ,borough of ,claxted1 now within the boundaries of ,greater ,london1 was a highly respectable town4 ,its citizens were mainly composed of those who go daily to the ,city round and about the decent hour of nine-thirty for frequently mysterious but none the less remunerative occupations1 and of those who supply their households with the necessaries and pleasant superfluities of good living4 ,a class apart1 these latter nevertheless shone1 in ,claxted1 with some of the lustre of their betters1 and were1 indeed1 known1 when ,paul ,kestern was young1 as ,superior ,tradespeople4 ,for both1 at ,claxted1 there were miles of trim villas ascending to avenues of detached houses2 churches there were1 swept and garnished1 or empty with an ,evangelical ,christian emptiness2 ,municipal buildings1 dignified1 sufficient1 new and clean4 ,there was1 in short1 an air about the place and its citizens1 in those days1 almost wholly neatly and simply ,conservative4 ,the ,borough1 moreover1 obtained a suffragan bishop about this time1 and may thus be said to have been sealed with a just measure of divine approval4 ,yet the untroubled broad stream of ,claxted's righteous prosperity had its occasional backwater into which there drifted the rubbish which would otherwise have defiled the comfortable colour of waters neither muddy nor translucent4 ,lambeth ,court was one such4 ,possibly it was overlooked by the ,borough ,council2 possibly it was allowed to remain for some such definite purpose as that it certainly fulfilled4 ,in any case the ,court afforded a problem for the church in whose parish it lay1 and the principles of the ,christian ,endeavour ,society1 which set every young ,christian immediately to work 7thus preventing the leakage which otherwise occurs after the ,sunday ,school age in the ,south71 were offered in it an ample field for exercise4 ,god knows it needed all that the young ,christian ,endeavourers and their more adult directors strove to give it4 ,their work was possibly a forlorn hope1 but if the ,sunshine ,committee could not lighten the darkness of the ,court1 what else1 asked ,claxted1 could8 ,nothing1 it may well be conceded1 except rebuilding and replanning to admit light and air4 ,these1 however1 cost money1 and besides the dwellers in ,lambeth ,court would only have moved themselves elsewhere4 ,the poor1 reflected the ,claxted councillors1 ye have with you always1 and went home to dinner4 ,so far as the ,christian ,endeavour ,society was concerned1 it was ,paul ,kestern who discovered ,lambeth ,court4 ,he was eighteen at the time and secretary of the ,open-,air ,committee--a committee1 it must be explained perhaps1 which did not function in town-planning but in gospel-preaching4 ,one ,sunday morning1 returning from a children's service in the ,mission ,hall at the end of ,apple ,orchard ,road1 he entered it for the first time4 ,a scholar had said that his elder sister1 regular in attendance at the service1 was sick1 and ,paul1 enquiring her whereabouts1 had learned that she lived in the ,court4 ,its inhabitants rarely aspired to the ,lambeth part of their designation1 but if the enquirer needed further enlightenment added ,behind the ',south ,pole4' ,paul1 thus informed1 remembered the dim opening under the railway bridge behind the public-house of that name1 and said he would call in that morning4 ,the urchin looked doubtfully at his teacher's silk hat and frock coat1 but ran off after service to acquaint his mother4 ,paul had followed at leisure4 ,it is not necessary to give a detailed description of ,lambeth ,court1 but it may be pointed out how the place instantly struck ,paul strategically4 ,it was not too far from the ,hall1 he saw at once1 to make the work of carrying the harmonium too heavy2 every corner of its area could be reached with a powerful voice2 in the very centre stood a lamp-post1 and1 what was more1 that lamp-post stood alone in its glory in the ,court4 ,this condition offered two great advantages3 first1 that of supplying all the light required for the evangelists1 and secondly1 that of creating those dark shadows beyond beloved by ,nicodemus and his like4 ,the railway arch through which one entered and which shut off that end of the place1 would1 of course1 occasionally vibrate with trains--an item on the debit side of the account2 but on the other hand the filthy tumbling hovels were enclosed on three sides by hoardings and tall blank warehouse walls which would catch the voice1 and their strips of refuse-strewn gardens1 separated from each other by broken palings1 were just such as would invite the inhabitants to sit and gossip there on summer and early autumn evenings4 ,paul noted all this in a moment so soon as he was inside the arch4 ,he was a born evangelist4 ,but to do the boy justice1 he noted far more than this4 ,he saw the slatternly woman1 with an unspeakable gaping blouse1 her hair in curl-papers and her feet in bulging unlaced boots1 who came to the door of the first cottage and shouted at a flaxen-haired little toddler of a girl playing with a matchbox in the gutter4 ,the burning words fell on his ears like a scream from hell4 ,maud-,hemily1 yer bloody little bitch1 come in out o' that muck or ,i'll smack your bottom for yer4 ,he saw the two men by the lamp-post look at him1 and he read aright their besotted faces4 ,neither spoke1 but one spat well and truly at the base of the pillar1 and that did for speech4 ,he rapped on the door of ,no4 #e1 and when ,jimmie opened it1 he saw the remains of a meal in greasy newspapers on the filthy table1 and his nostrils caught the smell of unwashed clothes and ,sunday morning's kippers4 ,he tried to avoid the wall as he went up the stairs4 ,and when he was in the little overhead bedroom1 whose window never opened and through whose grimy glass one read an advertisement of ,reckitt's ,blue on the hoarding opposite1 and stood by the side of a heap of blankets and sacks on which lay and coughed a child of thirteen in consumption1 a cracked article on a chair by her bedside over which she occasionally leaned and expectorated1 his heart moved with something of that compassion which had been the outstanding characteristic of the greatest ,evangelist the world has ever known4 ,he was more silent than his wont at the midday dinner4 ,but when ,saturday's hot joint1 cold on ,sundays1 had been removed1 he looked across the table to the clergyman at its head1 and spoke4 ,dad1 he said1 do you know ,lambeth ,court8 ,lambeth8 queried the clergyman4 ,no4 ,oh1 let me see4 ,isn't it that place behind the ',south ,pole'8 ,yes4 ,i went in to-day to see ,queenie ,archer4 ,she's awfully bad again4 ,dad1 it's a ghastly place4 ,i thought ,i'd speak to the ,committee this afternoon and arrange an open-air there4 ,his mother looked up from helping the pudding and spoke with a trace of anxiety4 ,paul1 she has consumption4 ,ought you to visit her1 dear8 ,and it's a dreadful place2 ,i don't think the ,c4,e4 girls ought to go into it even for an open-air4 ,paul moved restlessly4 ,they'd be all right with us1 mother1 he said4 ,do you think ,jesus ,christ would have stayed away because it was dirty or because ,queenie had consumption8 ,if there's a place in the parish where souls need saving1 that place is ,lambeth ,court4 ,his mother suppressed a little sigh4 ,the speech was typical of ,paul4 ,as a ,christian she loved him for it2 as a mother she was very proud4 ,but this irresistible logic1 which he was so prone to use1 however much it belonged to the atmosphere of religion in which she whole-heartedly believed1 affrighted her a little4 ,it opened up infinities4 ,she made the rather pathetic appeal which was characteristic of her4 ,what do you think1 father8 she queried4 ,mr4 ,kestern had very kindly eyes1 a forehead which would have made for intellectuality if his ever-narrowing outlook on life had given it a chance1 and a weak chin hidden by a short-beard and moustache4 ,he smiled at her4 ,the boy is quite right1 dear1 he said1 but1 ,paul1 you should not run unnecessary risks1 especially now4 ,you might have left the visit to me4 ,i will go to-morrow4 ,as for the open-air1 ,i should think it would be a capital place1 but keep the girls by you and don't let them wander alone into the houses with tracts or leaflets4 ,do you mean to go to-night8 ,no1 not to-night1 dad4 ,our pitch is in ,laurence ,place to-night4 ,i thought perhaps next ,sunday4 ,next ,sunday is the first in the month1 dear1 said his mother gently4 ,won't it be rather late8 ,you don't usually have open-airs on the first ,sunday1 do you8 ,i know1 mother1 said ,paul1 but why not8 ,it is better to be a bit late when we go to ,lambeth ,court4 ,some of the men may be out of the publics by then4 ,and it always seems to me that ,communion ,sunday is the best in the month for an open-air4 ,surely after we've remembered ,his 'precious ,death and ,burial' at the ,table1 that is just the time for us to preach the ,cross4 ,and ',his glorious ,resurrection and ,ascension1' ,paul1 quoted his father softly4 ,don't forget that4 ,it's the living ,saviour1 no dead ,christ on a crucifix1 that we proclaim4 ,i know1 dad1 said the boy1 his eyes shining4 ,how could one think otherwise8 ,i don't know1 laddie1 said his father1 smiling tenderly at him1 but some appear to do so4 ,god guard you from such errors1 ,paul4 ,don't be over-confident2 ,satan can deceive the very elect4 ,thus was the mission to ,lambeth ,court decided upon4 ,paul had carried his ,committee with him1 as he always did4 ,its eldest member1 a married bank clerk of a nervous temperament1 had indeed echoed something of ,mrs4 ,kestern's fears4 ,he thought that the ,court was no place for ladies1 and said1 frankly1 he would not care for his wife to go there4 ,paul1 at the head of the ,mission vestry table1 played with a pencil1 and showed his instinctive leadership again by not answering him4 ,he looked up instead1 and caught ,edith ,thornton's eyes as she sat opposite him4 ,they were eager and indignant1 and he nodded ever so slightly4 ,edith1 therefore1 had taken up her parable1 and the more forcefully since she did not often speak on ,committee4 ,oh1 ,mr4 ,derrick1 she exclaimed1 ,i don't agree with you at all6 ,what about our missionaries' wives8 ,what about the ,salvation ,army8 ,do you think any place can be too bad for a ,christian if there is one single soul to be saved8 ,she flushed a little at her own vehemence4 ,mr4 ,derrick coughed1 fumbling with his watchchain4 ,he was well aware that the ,spirit was at work in ,apple ,orchard ,mission ,hall1 and he was conscious of being one of the weaker brethren4 ,paul's very silence daunted him1 for he honestly loved the eager ,paul4 ,let us pray about it1 he suggested4 ,paul pushed his chair back1 and slipped to his knees4 ,instinctively he always knelt to pray1 though the more general custom was to sit4 ,a few minutes' silent prayer first1 he commanded1 and1 in the slow ticking of the clock1 he prayed himself1 with utter simplicity and earnestness1 for ,lambeth ,court1 for the guidance of the ,holy ,spirit--and for ,mr4 ,derrick4 ,the result was1 of course1 a foregone conclusion4 ,thus1 at intervals1 all that golden summer1 ,lambeth ,court heard the ,word4 ,true1 the signs following were so small that the less zealous ,endeavourers openly shook their heads1 and even the more ardent of the band would have been tempted to give in4 ,but ,paul and ,edith were of different mettle4 ,at devotional meetings1 ,paul spoke of heroic souls who had preached for half a generation in heathen lands and not seen a convert1 until1 one day1 the tide turned in all its power4 ,most effective was the story of the ,moravians who laboured among a certain band of ,esquimaux for forty years unblessing and unblessed1 and then1 discovering that the channels were choked in themselves1 cleared them1 and saw many mighty works4 ,and in ,july1 indeed1 the doubters had received a knock-out blow4 ,mrs4 ,reynolds1 of ,no4 #aa1 had been as truly converted as ,saul on the road to ,damascus1 converted by the human instrumentality of ,edith and a novel tract in the shape of a small slip of cardboard bearing nothing but a question mark on one side and on the other3 ,,how ,,shall ,,ye ,,escape ,,if ,,ye ,,neglect ,,so ,,great ,,salvation8 ,poor ,mrs4 ,reynolds1 one would have thought that her present woes were big enough to discount effectively all future ones4 ,reynolds hawked1 when he had anything to hawk or time to spare from the ,south ,pole and regular terms of service for ,his ,majesty4 ,mrs4 ,reynolds1 herself1 drank1 when1 more rarely than her spouse1 she had the wherewithal to obtain drink4 ,reynolds1 who should have accounted himself blessed in the number of olive branches round about his table1 illogically cursed whenever he saw them1 but added to the tribe as fast as ,nature permitted4 ,it was1 indeed1 when his wife was expecting what turned out to be twins1 that ,edith came her way4 ,against orders1 she left the circle and gave the woman a chair within her palings whereon she might sit and listen4 ,mrs4 ,reynolds1 gently intoxicated1 was grateful1 and asked her visitor to fetch a ,bible from within which had remained to the family because it could not be pawned4 ,on the table ,edith silently laid the tract4 ,mrs4 ,reynolds1 returning later1 had seen it1 and had been 7as she said7 knocked all of a heap4 ,why1 particularly1 by that tract or just then1 does not appear1 and was not indeed questioned for a moment by the ,endeavourers4 ,for converted ,mrs4 ,reynolds honestly and truly had been4 ,into her dwarfed and darkened life had shone the radiance of a new hope1 and from her hardened heart1 so strangely broken1 had come welling out a vivid and wonderful spring4 ,regular at services1 humble at home1 zealous in her work1 undaunted by scoffing and blows1 ,mrs4 ,reynolds had not only been constrained1 nervously and pathetically1 to testify publicly in her own ,court1 but honestly did testify by her life every day of the week4 ,the very publican at the corner1 who had a soft spot for ,paul by the way1 admitted it4 ,let the poor devil alone1 he would shout at ,reynolds cursing his wife and damning the ,mission across the bar1 or get out of 'ere4 ,christ6 ,you're a bloody fool1 you are6 ',ere's the ,mission give you as good a wife as any man ever 'ad1 and you cursin' of 'em4 ,wouldn't mind if they converted my ole woman1 ,i wouldn't4 ,she might 'old a prayer-meetin' now and agin in the bar-parlour1 off-hours1 if she'd keep it clean4 7#b7 ,but this ,sunday in ,october was to see the end of the effort for the season4 ,in the first place1 ,paul left that week for his first term at ,cambridge1 and this was a bigger damper than the ,committee cared to allow4 ,in the second1 however1 it was getting cold in the evenings1 and activities took a new direction in the winter4 ,thus1 a little late1 after ,communion1 the band sallied out for the last time4 ,some fifteen or twenty of them1 they gathered round the lamp-post4 ,a couple of young men distributed the hymn-sheets to the loungers in the gardens1 with a cheerful smile and a word of friendly greeting1 fairly well received1 as a matter of fact1 by now4 ,paul mounted his chair under the light4 ,edith took her seat beneath at the harmonium1 for ,miss ,madeline ,ernest1 daughter of the ,rev4 ,john ,ernest1 an elderly assistant curate1 who usually played1 was unwell4 ,the last faint radiance of the day was dying out over the railway bridge1 and the stars shone steadily in a clear sky above the hoardings4 ,the ,court greeted the ,missioners in various moods4 ,they've come1 ,joe1 said ,mrs4 ,reynolds to her husband who1 for once and for obvious reasons1 was at home and sober2 won't yer come out and listen-like a bit8 ,the 'ymns will cheer yer up1 and they carn't do yer no 'arm anywise4 ,it's yer larst charnst for the season1 ,joe4 ,garn1 said ,joe1 damn yer6 ,hilda ,tillings put her hat at a becoming angle in the back kitchen of ,no4 #i and sallied out into the parlour4 ,her mother sniffed4 ,silly fool1 she said1 ter go and suck up ter 'em like that4 ',e won't look twice at yer4 ,it'll be a case between 'im and that there ,madeline lidy1 if yer asks me4 ,hilda tossed her head4 ,miss ,ernest's not come to-night1 she said4 ,i saw out of the top winder4 ',sides1 yer don't know wat yer talking of1 ma4 ,i like the meeting4 ,and she sallied out4 ,two urchins1 tearing at top speed under the arch1 made for the lamp-post4 ',ere1 'ook it1 gasped the first to arrive1 sotto voce1 to a diminutive imp already there4 ,i'll bash yer 'ead in for yer if yer don't4 ,this 'ere's my job4 ,and he clutched at the lantern which illuminated the music-book on the required occasions1 and kicked his weaker brother on the shin4 ,silence1 boys1 said ,mr4 ,derrick1 in his best manner2 don't fight with that lantern now4 ,orl rite1 guv'nor1 but it's my job4 ,don't yer 'member me larst tyme8 ,yer said ,i 'eld it steady and yer give me a copper4 ,i got 'ere fust--shrilly1 from the other4 ,there1 there1 my lad1 give it up4 ,this boy usually holds it4 ,no struggling1 please4 ,that's better4 ,you can help with the harmonium afterwards if you like4 7,the smaller boy recedes into the background snuffling4 ,throughout the first part of the meeting he is trying to kick the elder1 jar the lantern1 or otherwise molest its holder4 ,after the second hymn1 ,edith intervenes with a penny4 ,the smaller boy exits triumphantly47 ,paul1 from his somewhat rickety chair1 surveyed the little scene with a definite sense of exultation in his heart4 ,the last trace of nervousness dropped from him with his first half-dozen sentences4 ,he had the voice of an orator1 a singularly attractive1 arresting voice1 that penetrated easily the furthest recesses of the ,court and even brought in a few passers-by from the street4 ,the only son1 he was1 as his parents often told him1 the child of prayers1 and he was named ,paul that he might be an apostle4 ,he would have been a dreadful prig if he had not been so tremendously convinced and in earnest4 ,radiant on that mission chair beneath the garish lamp-light1 he bared his head and lifted his eyes to the heavens above him4 ,had they opened1 with a vision of the returning ,christ escorted by the whole angelic host1 he would quite honestly not have been surprised2 indeed1 if anything1 he was often surprised that they did not4 ,christ waited there as surely as he stood beneath to pray and preach4 ,his young enthusiasm1 his vital faith1 stirred the most commonplace of the little group about him1 and no wonder1 for he added to it an unconscious and undeveloped but undoubted power4 ,to-night1 the last night of the series1 the last night1 perhaps1 for ever there1 he drew on all his gifts to the utmost4 ,it was small wonder that such as ,hilda came to listen and such as ,mrs4 ,reynolds stayed to pray4 ,there fell even on ,theodore ,derrick a sense that the ,acts of the ,apostles might after all be true4 ,they began by singing ,tell me the old1 old story4 ,before the hymn was half over ,paul had his audience under his influence as if they had been little children and he a beloved master1 or an orchestra and he the efficient conductor4 ,he laughed at them for not singing4 ,he made them repeat the chorus in parts1 women a line1 men a line1 children a line1 and then the last line all together4 ,he made them triumph it to ,god1 and then whisper it to their own hearts4 ,he stayed them altogether impressively1 and would not have those sing who could not say whole-heartedly3 ,remember ,i'm the sinner ,whom ,jesus came to save4444 ,then he prayed4 ,no one there could pray as ,paul prayed1 and ,paul himself might have wondered how long he would be able to pray so4 ,an agnostic rarely interrupted ,paul's meetings4 ,there might be no sure knowledge of ,god1 but it was plainly useless to tell that to ,paul after you had heard him pray4 ,also1 incidentally1 there were few1 however rough1 who did not feel that it would be a brutal thing to do4 ,a hymn again--the ,glory ,song1 by request--and ,paul announced his text1 his farewell message1 their last word to ,lambeth ,court for many months4 ,it was the kind of text which1 in his mouth1 took on that irresistible logic that he loved1 and which1 in his own heart1 glowed and beat like the throb of an immense dynamo4 ,the ,cross1 so he proclaimed1 is to them that are perishing foolishness1 and to them that are being saved the power of ,god4 ,telling anecdotes1 however commonplace1 hammered in his points4 ,it was not the ,cross that was on trial2 it was his hearers who were then and there being judged by the ,cross4 ,was all this to them foolishness1 or was it the power of ,god8 ,an easy question6 ,each one knew well enough for himself4 ,and the inevitable followed2 indeed1 in ,paul's eager soul1 could not be gainsaid4 ,his hearers to a man were being saved--the speaker's face lit up with the honest joy of it2--or--or--perishing4 ,the whispered word reached the far corners of the ,court4 ,it even reached ,reynolds4 ,he stirred uneasily1 and wished he had more beer4 ,the boy on the chair announced that they would sing as a last hymn ,god be with you till we meet again4 ,the haunting lilt1 the genuine poetry and life there is in it1 overcame the crude composition1 the tortured air which was the best the old harmonium could do1 the vulgar surroundings1 the banal words4 ,at the third verse1 ,paul held up his hand4 ,a little hush fell on the whole ,court1 which deepened as he spoke4 ,paul had not learnt the tricks that it was possible for him to play with his oratorical power1 but it was a naturally clever thing that he did4 ,the tone of his voice wholly changed4 ,all hardness1 logic1 conquest1 argument1 had gone from him1 and it vibrated with tenderness1 was all but broken with honest emotion4 ,he begged1 by the pity and gentleness of the ,saviour1 that they might meet at ,his feet4 ,they had1 he said1 all of them1 to travel down the long roads of life2 none knew where such might lead2 would that all their diverse ways might at least lead home--home to the one safe shelter1 home to the one sure haven1 home to ,jesus' feet4 ,the little band moved off out of the ,court1 the loungers' eyes looking curiously at ,paul4 ,he stopped again and again to shake hands1 and1 at the ,mission ,hall1 found the instrument1 books1 chair1 and the rest of the paraphernalia already put away4 ,he said good-bye to one and another4 ,edith held out her hand4 ,are you alone8 he asked4 ,may ,i see you home8 ,i don't like to trouble you1 she said4 ,he smiled at her eagerly4 ,i believe you know ,i'm glad of the chance1 he replied4 ,she lived some way off and scarcely in his direction1 but young ,vintner1 who usually escorted her home1 saw the arrangement1 and surrendered her to ,paul without a question4 ,still he wished ,miss ,ernest had been there2 then1 of necessity1 the vicar's son saw the curate's daughter home4 ,under those circumstances1 he usually secured ,edith1 who fell to him likewise1 more often than not1 on school-treats or ,c4,e4 excursions or riding back on summer evenings with the ,members' ,cycling ,club4 ,but there was nothing tangible between them1 and he was devoted to ,paul like all the rest of their circle4 ,so the two leaders went off together4 ,they said little at first4 ,their way lay down a long wide well-lit main street with many people about1 if few vehicles seeing that it was ,sunday evening4 ,there was a sense of triumph in ,paul1 a sense growing steadily now that the service was over and other less personal influences laid for awhile aside1 and he saw the commonplace street as a vista of magic and wonder4 ,they passed a darkened church1 all locked at this late hour1 which was little thought of in their circle as lacking in evangelical zeal4 ,at a street corner1 under a banner with a text upon it1 another open-air service from the local ,wesleyan chapel was in progress1 and a speaker with a harsh voice was thundering torrential salvation4 ,paul glanced at the girl by his side with a smile4 ',peace be to all them who love our ,lord ,jesus ,christ in sincerity1' he quoted quietly4 ,she nodded4 ,but the ,wesleyans are so noisy1 she said1 and ,i don't see why they need have left the ,church4 ,we shall right all that1 said ,paul1 utterly unconscious of boasting4 ,the ,evangelicals in all the churches must come together4 ,i don't know why there is any delay4 ,they want someone to make a move4 ,when ,i'm ordained ,i shall go and preach in ,nonconformist chapels and invite them to my church no matter what the ,bishop says4 ',we must obey ,god rather than man4' ,the girl looked up at him4 ,why does everything you say ring so unanswerably true8 she demanded with a little smile4 ,does it8 ,yes4 ,everyone thinks so4 ,do you know you frighten me sometimes4 ,frighten you6 ,why in the world8 ,because you're irresistible4 ,do you remember last week's prayer meeting8 ,maud said to me afterwards3 ',he'll make us all foreign missionaries4' ,i wish ,i could1 said ,paul1 quite gravely4 ,why not8 ,that's just it1 she replied4 ,when you say ',why not8' there doesn't seem to be any answer4 ,but my father would find one quickly enough4 ,they turned off into the first of a network of darker side-streets of villas leading to her road4 ,a sedate suburban air brooded there1 and except for a wandering couple and a distant policeman1 no one else was in sight or hearing4 ,the night was clear and sweet4 ,a little moon was climbing into the sky4 ,paul and ,edith slowed down instinctively4 ,paul did not pursue the complication4 ,mr4 ,thornton was a photographer in ,edward ,street1 a highly respectable person1 a member of his father's church1 but not within the circle of his father's actual friends4 ,the mention of him gave ,paul a slight jar about ,edith4 ,he knew well enough that if he had been seeing ,madeline home1 his mother would have been highly delighted1 but that she would be slightly uneasy at hearing that he had been with ,edith4 ,but he was just discovering ,edith4 ,he liked ,madeline--she was far too pretty1 with her fair hair and big eyes and nicely-tempered lady-like admiration1 not to be liked4 ,at the last school-treat--oh well1 but he hadn't said anything really4 ,and it was in the return train that very day that he had1 so to say1 discovered ,edith4 ,he had found himself in her carriage1 having strayed from that reserved for his father and mother to shepherd some late arrivals1 and she had been opposite him the whole way4 ,she was quiet--he had noticed that first2 but when he did succeed in drawing her out a little1 he had found a very attractive creature4 ,it was hard to say why1 but still1 as he analysed her1 she was frank1 gay1 and yet unexpectedly deep4 ,and she1 too1 was pretty4 ,he had seen her home from the station1 for the first time1 and discovered that his mother was just a little annoyed4 ,do you know1 he said now1 continuing the subject1 ,i can't make up my mind what ,i want exactly4 ,there seems such a lot to do in ,england1 and yet of course ,i'm pledged to be a foreign missionary4 ,i see1 she said4 ,well1 what do you think8 he demanded4 ,it makes me burn to see the deadness and disunion among ,christians at home1 and yet the heathen1 dying daily without ,christ--how can one stay in ,england for a moment longer than is necessary8 ,god will surely show you what you must do1 said the girl quietly4 ,there was a depth of sincerity in the simple words that struck him4 ,it was the kind of thing ,madeline would never have said1 and would not have meant if she had4 ,he eyed her with a sudden wish to see more of her4 ,do you know ,i go to ,cambridge on ,tuesday8 he asked4 ,she nodded4 ,it's going to cut me off from things here1 he went on4 ,i shall have to work in the vacs41 you know4 ,and ,i'm tingling to get there4 ,i'll have time to write a bit1 and ,i expect editors will look at stuff that comes from the ',varsity4 ,i read that bit of yours in ,the ,record1 she said4 ,the implied praise pleased him4 ,did you8 he cried4 ,did you like it8 ,i'm longing to be able to write as well as preach4 ,i want ,god to have my pen as well as my tongue4 ,oh you are lucky6 she exclaimed involuntarily4 ,lucky8 ,why8 ,you've so much to give4 ,i've nothing4 ,he was extraordinarily touched by her humility4 ,he wanted to take her arm1 but he did not like to do so4 ,they turned another corner1 and were in her street4 ,don't say that1 he said4 ,you've yourself--give that4 ,no one can give more4 ,i'm not sure1 she said1 with a nervous catch in her voice1 that ,i can give that4 ,why not8 he asked4 ,she did not reply directly4 ,i wonder what you will be like after a term at ,cambridge1 she said1 inconsequently4 ,it won't change me at all1 said ,paul4 ,the girl made little stabs with her umbrella at the pavement4 ,it will1 she said4 ,i wonder if you'll come back the least bit the same4 ,oh1 ,i know6 ,you'll have new friends and new interests1 and you'll think us all just a little cheap4 ,you'll go away in the holidays1 abroad very likely1 and even our country won't seem the same to you4 ,paul was surprised at her vehemence1 and he came to a sudden resolution4 ,do you know1 he said1 ,i'm going to take a last bike ride to-morrow round ,hursley ,woods and ,allington1 just to say good-bye4 ,i meant to go alone1 but do you think you could come too8 ,i'd love it4 ,we'd be able to talk1 up there in the heather4 ,will you8 ,the girl slowed down still more2 they were very near her home4 ,she was so glad that he had asked her that she could hardly speak4 ,yes1 she said2 and then1 with a burst of confidence3 ,do you think we ought to8 ,why not8 he queried1 frowning4 ,well1 we'll risk it anyway4 ,look here1 let's meet at the bottom of ,coster ,lane--say at eleven4 ,shall we8 ,that will give us two hours1 lots of time4 ,she nodded without speaking1 and put her hand on the latch4 ,you won't be late--,edith1 he said1 calling her1 on the impulse1 by her ,christian name4 ,she flushed in the kindly dark4 ,no1 she said softly4 ,how could she8 she asked herself as she let herself in4 ,it was half-past ten when ,paul climbed the steps of his father's house and rang the bell4 ,the little family had finished supper and were waiting prayers for him4 ,where have you been1 ,paul8 questioned his mother4 ,it's very late1 dear4 ,i saw ,miss ,thornton home1 mother1 said ,paul4 ,oh1 ,paul6 ,was no one else going her way8 ,i did not think to ask1 replied ,paul frankly4 ,dear1 you ought to take care4 ,such a lot is expected of your father's son4 ,did you go in8 ,no1 mother4 ,well1 dear1 go and take your boots off while ,annie brings the cocoa in4 ,and don't be long1 ,paul4 ,i don't want you to miss prayers on your last ,sunday4 ,he went out1 closing the door4 ,mrs4 ,kestern looked across at her husband1 stretched out in his arm-chair1 tired after a heavy day1 and gazing into the glowing coals4 ,father1 ,i think you ought to say something to him1 she said4 ,that girl is very attractive1 and quite clever enough not to run after him too obviously4 ,the clergyman stirred4 ,i don't know1 dear1 he said4 ,you know well enough we have never had any trouble of that sort with him1 and ,paul is not without ballast4 ,god1 ,who redeemed me from all evil1 he added gently1 bless the lad4 7#c7 ,in truth ,mr4 ,kestern was both right and wrong4 ,the next morning1 departing on his bicycle with a mere statement that he wanted a last ride1 ,paul was very conscious of doing something he had never done before4 ,he had no sister1 and his girl friends were mainly a family of cousins so closely interested in each other1 that1 although they were friendly enough and admitted him to the family circle on long summer holidays together1 he was not really intimate with any one of them4 ,nor had he wanted any girl in his life4 ,he and his father were great friends1 and the two shared pleasures and work with a rare companionship4 ,paul1 with his natural gifts1 had thus been drawn into active religious life much earlier than is common1 and he was naturally studious1 fond of nature and of a literary bent4 ,what with one thing and another1 his life was full4 ,with his father he departed on ,saturday afternoons for the woods and the ponds1 and ,sunday was the best day of the week to him despite its strict observance in that ,evangelical atmosphere4 ,but nature is not easily defeated4 ,he rode1 now1 to meet ,edith1 with a virgin stirring of his pulses4 ,she was wearing a little fur cap that sat piquantly on her brown hair1 and was flushed and eager4 ,her slim figure1 neatly dressed in a brown cloth coat and skirt1 pleased him1 with the tan stockings and shoes below at which he scarcely dared to glance4 ,as they spun along the dry road together1 under the autumnal trees whose brown twisted leaves fluttered to the ground with every breath that crossed the pale blue sky flecked with little white clouds above1 she seemed to him a fitting part of the beauty of the world4 ,near the woods1 the sun caught the slim trunks of the silver birches in a spinney there1 and their silver contrasted exquisitely with the stretch of dying bracken beyond4 ,a lark cried the ecstasy of living in the untroubled spaces of light and air4 ,the road climbed steeply to the woods1 and they walked to the summit1 he pushing her machine4 ,they hesitated at the leafy glade that invited to the undulating heathery expanse of ,hursley1 but the artist in ,paul decided against the temptation4 ,no1 he said1 don't let's go in there4 ,everyone goes there4 ,let's coast down to ,allington1 and turn to the left4 ,i know a lovely place up there where there will be no trace of ,saturday afternoon's visitors4 ,what do you say8 ,she shot a look at him1 and made a grace of submission4 ,just as you like1 she said4 ,so they mounted on the crest and were away down the long hill together4 ,oaks leant over the road at first1 but beyond them the tall hedges were lovely with scarlet ,october hips and haws1 masses of trailing ,old ,man's ,beard1 and sprays of purple blackberries4 ,to the right the fields stretched away to a far distant ridge scarred with chalk where one might dig for fossils4 ,ahead clustered the old roofs of ,allington1 and the little church that stood below estates linked for centuries with ,lambeth and ,canterbury4 ,after ,lambeth ,court1 ,allington ,church1 cried ,paul gaily4 ,let's go in4 ,they left their bicycles at the lych-gate and walked into the silent clean-swept place4 ,she followed him in silence1 and marvelled inwardly that he seemed to know so much4 ,that1 he said1 towards the end of the inspection1 is the coat of arms of ,archbishop ,whitgift4 ,he was a poor man's son and had no armorial bearings1 so he took a cross and inserted five little ,maltese crosses for the ,five ,wounds of ,christ1 quartering it with the arms of ,canterbury4 ,it's very lovely here1 isn't it8 ,she glanced dubiously at the two candles and the cross on the altar4 ,it's rather 'high1' don't you think8 ,he looked judicially at the simple neat sanctuary4 ,there is no harm in the things themselves1 he said4 ,after all1 they make for a sort of beauty1 don't they8 ,it's the ,spirit that matters4 ,when ,i'm ordained1 ,i shall be willing to preach in a coloured stole if ,i can preach the gospel4 ,the daring heresy of it secretly astonished her4 ,but it was like ,paul1 she thought4 ,he stepped into a pew1 and moved up to make room for her4 ,let us pray a little1 shall we8 he said simply4 ,she knelt by his side1 her heart beating violently4 ,in the hush of the place1 it sounded so loud to her that she thought he must hear4 ,she dared not look at him1 but she knew what he was doing4 ,kneeling erect1 his eyes would be open1 seeing and yet not seeing4 ,she felt very humble to be allowed to be there4 ,that in itself was enough just now4 ,she wished they might be there for ever and ever1 just they two1 and ,god4 ,ten minutes later1 in the heart of the deserted woods1 he flung himself on the moss at her feet4 ,i love to lie like this and look right away into the depths of the trees1 he said4 ,if you come alone and lie very still1 rabbits come out and squirrels1 and you begin to hear a hundred little noises that you never heard before4 ,and ,i love the tiny insects that crawl up the blades of grass and find a world in a single tuft4 ,edith1 how wonderfully beautiful the world is1 isn't it8 ,she did not want to speak at all1 but he seemed to expect it4 ,not everyone can see all that1 she said4 ,but it is like you to feel it4 ,and when you talk1 ,i feel it too4 ,always1 when you talk1 you show me wonderful things4 ,do ,i8 he queried dreamily4 ,i don't mean to particularly4 ,it's all so plain to me4 ,that's just it1 she said4 ,in a thicket close at hand1 a thrush broke out into song4 ,his praise ended1 he flew down to a soft bit of ground and began busily to look for worms4 ,paul moved his head ever so slightly1 and the bird and the boy looked at each other4 ,the thrush eyed him boldly1 summed him up with a quick little pipe1 and flew away4 ,paul sighed4 ,i almost wish ,i were not going to ,cambridge1 he said4 ,why8 she asked4 ,he reached out for a broken stick and began to play with it4 ,oh1 ,i don't know1 he said restlessly4 ,perhaps because it's so good to be here4 ,cambridge is a new world4 ,i want to do great things1 of course1 but it's leaving things that ,i can do behind4 ,suppose ,i fail8 ,i wish ,i could be ordained to-morrow and go to the ,mission ,hall to work at once4 ,or no1 ,i'd like to go to ,africa at once4 ,do you remember that man who came and spoke for the ,south ,american ,missionary ,society8 ,yes4 ,well1 ,i carried his bag to the station4 ,he had pleaded for missionaries1 and had said that he had been speaking at meetings for six months up and down the country1 asking for help1 and had not had a single volunteer4 ,he was about to go back alone4 ,so1 on the station1 ,i offered to go4 ,i said he should not say again that he had had no offer of service4 ,i was sixteen4 ,what did he say8 ,oh1 the usual things4 ,that ,i must be trained first4 ,i asked what more was necessary than that one loved ,jesus1 and had been saved1 and wanted to serve4 ,yes8 ,well1 ,i thought he half believed that ,i was right4 ,but he didn't dare say so1 like all the rest of them4 ,i must wait ,god's time1 he said4 ,god's time6 ,he meant man's time4 ,she said nothing4 ,it's so hard to wait1 he added restlessly4 ,i'm glad you didn't go1 she ventured4 ,why8 ,many of us are1 she equivocated4 ,why8 demanded ,paul again1 looking boldly at her4 ,she disdained further subterfuge4 ,you have made ,god real to me1 she said1 and if you had gone1 you would have had no opportunity to do that4 ,his eyes shone4 ,i'm very glad1 he said softly4 ,will you pray for me1 ,edith8 ,she wanted to fling herself down beside him1 to hide her flushed face in his coat1 to shed the tears that would stupidly start behind her eyes for no reason at all1 to tell him that she hardly dared to breathe his name1 but that1 when she prayed1 she could think of scarcely anyone else2 but she could not4 ,every instinct in her cried for him--religion1 sex1 passionate admiration4 ,but she only clenched one little gloved hand tightly and said that she would4 ,a daughter of ,claxted could hardly do otherwise4 ,the minutes slipped by4 ,paul rolled over on his back and took out his watch4 ,my word1 he exclaimed1 we ought to be going6 ,we shall be late as it is4 ,but what a topping morning it has been4 ,come on4 ,and he jumped to his feet4 ,she got up slowly1 and he dusted a few dry leaves from her skirt4 ,straightening himself1 he stood looking at her4 ,i've known you such a little while1 he said4 ,i wonder why8 ,do you know me now8 she asked4 ,much better4 ,when ,i come back1 shall we have more rides like this8 ,i don't know1 she said4 ,what do you mean8 ,you may not want them4 ,your mother might not like it4 ,and 7,eve will out1 even in an ,evangelical7 nor will ,miss ,ernest4 ,he flushed4 ,i shall do as ,i please1 he said4 ,and ,i know ,i shall want you4 ,she lifted her dark eyes to his face4 ,will you8 she cried4 ,oh ,i hope you do6 ,i can't help it4 ,it means so much to me4 ,ask me just sometimes1 ,paul4 ,will you write to me at ,cambridge8 he demanded4 ,she shook her head4 ,no1 she said decidedly1 not yet1 anyway4 ,i can't write good enough letters for one thing1 and for another you mustn't waste your time on me4 ,paul stood considering her4 ,he had an idea1 but he was in truth rather frightened of it4 ,it seemed to be going too far4 ,but his desire won the battle with his caution4 ,would you give me a photograph of yourself to take to ,cambridge8 he asked4 ,i haven't a good one1 she said4 ,but you've something--a snapshot1 anything1 he pressed eagerly4 ,she smiled radiantly and suddenly4 ,i've a rubbishy old thing they took on the river at ,hampton ,court last ,august1 she said1 but my hair was down then4 ,that'll be lovely6 he cried4 ,do give me that4 ,how8 ,shall ,i send it you8 ,paul's letters were not many1 and fairly common property at the family breakfast table4 ,he sought for an escape from that4 ,will you be at the prayer meeting to-night8 he asked4 ,yes1 she said4 ,well1 so shall ,i4 ,in fact1 ,i'm leading it4 ,write me a little letter and give it me afterwards1 will you8 ,she nodded4 ,neither of them were aware of incongruity4 ,possibly they were right1 and there was none4 7#d7 ,paul's bedroom was a big attic at the top of the ,vicarage1 running the whole width of the house4 ,it was entirely characteristic of him4 ,in one corner was a large home-made cage for a pair of ring-doves1 with a space in front for their perambulations1 fitted with convenient perches4 ,under the window was what had been an aquarium1 but was now1 after many vicissitudes1 temporarily doing duty as a vivarium4 ,it was a third full of sand and pebbles and soil1 and contained plants and a shallow pool of water1 constituting1 in its owner's imagination1 a section of ,african forest for three water-tortoises1 a family of green tree-frogs1 and some half-developed tadpoles4 ,above a writing-desk was a bookshelf full of cheap editions of the ,english classics1 purchased largely with prize money won by literary efforts in his school magazine4 ,the books are worth reviewing1 for his father's well-stocked shelves of ,evangelical theology held none such4 ,the great ,english poets were all there1 with ,carlyle1 ,emerson1 ,lamb1 ,machiavelli1 ,locke1 ,macaulay1 and a further miscellaneous host4 ,a smaller bookshelf held ,,mss4 books--three slim volumes of his own verse1 one of acrostics suitable for children's addresses1 several of sermon notes1 another of special hymns1 choruses and tunes1 and two of essays and short stories which had not seen the light in printer's ink4 ,paul would have added as yet4 ,bound volumes of his school magazine shone resplendent in leather1 and were sprinkled interiorly with his verse and prose4 ,there were fencing sticks in a corner1 and framed shooting and cadet groups4 ,a cabinet contained glass jars and medicine bottles of chemicals1 and a much-prized retort stood above it4 ,the mantelpiece was fairly full with phials of spirit that had a home there1 and in which had been preserved an embryo dog-fish1 a newt with three legs1 a small grass-snake1 a treasured scorpion 7the gift of an ,african missionary71 and the like4 ,lastly1 over the bed was a text4 ,that1 principally of all these treasures1 was to go with its owner to ,cambridge4 ,paul that night sat on his little bed and looked around him4 ,the last minutes of the eve of the great to-morrow had really come at last4 ,he well remembered the hours in this room1 during which the things that were now largely accomplished had seemed to him overwhelming obstacles in the race4 ,the open scholarship1 the school exhibitions1 the ,little ,go--all these were past4 ,there stretched ahead the ,tripos and the ,bishop's ,examinations1 but in imagination these were lesser difficulties than those already surmounted4 ,linked with them were his other ambitions1 his writing1 his preaching1 and a vista of endless years4 ,like a traveller who has reached a hill-top1 he viewed the peaks ahead4 ,paul looked down on the letter in his hand4 ,the ill-formed sprawling handwriting addressed it to ,p4 ,kestern1 ,esq41 with several underlinings4 ,he turned it over curiously1 not in the least aware that the amazing thing was that this should be the first of its kind for him to handle4 ,then he broke the envelope and drew out first the photograph4 ,it had been badly and amateurishly snapped on a sunny day4 ,the shadows were under-exposed1 the lights far too strong4 ,it showed part of a punt moored beneath the trees of a river bank1 and one girl wholly1 another in part1 who lay stretched out at the far end4 ,she in part1 he decided1 was ,maud4 ,edith lay laughing unrestrainedly1 one hand above her head gripping an overhanging branch1 the other trailing in a black shade that was undoubtedly 7from the context1 so to speak7 water4 ,a plait of her hair lay across her shoulder4 ,she did not look particularly pretty1 but she did look jolly4 ,paul turned the photograph over4 ,on the back he read3 ,from ,a4 ,v4 ,the inscription jarred on him4 ,from ,albert ,vintner4 ,mentally1 he could see ,albert1 in white flannels1 a collar1 a made tie1 and brown shoes1 taking it4 ,a thoroughly good fellow1 converted1 earnest1 but---- ,yet he loathed himself for that but4 ,he opened the half-sheet of paper that had enwrapped it4 ,he was distinctly curious to see what she would say4 ,he did not guess for a moment how long she had taken to say it4 ,here is the snap 7she had written1 without introduction74 ,i look a lanky thing1 and did not know that 7'he' erased7 it was being taken just then4 ,do you remember that you had gone on up the river1 rowing your father and mother and ,mr4 and ,miss ,ernest8 ,i did so wish ,i had been in your boat6 ,and at tea you pretended ,i was not to have a cream bun6 ,but it was a jolly day1 wasn't it8 and if the photo helps you to remember that and think kindly at ,cambridge of all of us at ,claxted1 ,i am glad for you to have it4 ,yours sincerely1 ,,edith4 ,paul smiled4 ,then he frowned4 ,he re-read the letter several times and looked again at the photograph4 ,then he folded the one in the other1 and placed them in the inner recess of a new pocket-book4 ,then he reached for a ,bible from which to read his evening ,scripture ,union portion4 ,,chapter ,,ii ,,cambridge ,we no sooner get into the second ,chamber1 which ,i shall call the ,chamber of ,maiden-,thought1 than we become intoxicated with the light and the atmosphere2 we see nothing but pleasant wonders1 and think of delaying there for ever in delight4 ,however 444 this ,chamber of ,maiden-,thought becomes gradually darkened1 and at the same time1 on all sides of it1 many doors are set open--but all dark--all leading to dark passages4 ,we see not the balance of good and evil--we are in a mist--we feel the burden of the ,mystery 444--,,keats3 ,letters1 ,may1 #ahah4 ,i asked for ,truth-- ,my doubts came in ,and with their din ,they wearied all my youth4 ,d4 ,m4 ,,dolben3 ,requests4 ,his ,name will flee1 the while thou mouldest thy lips for speech4--,,jellaludin4 7#a7 ,yes1 sir2 this is the gentleman's keepin' room1 sir4 ,a bit small1 but cosy and 'omelike1 as ,i allus told pore ,mr4 ,bruce wot was haccidental shot in ,scotland last ,haugust4 ,i keeps my bit o' brooms and cleanin' things in that cupboard1 sir--bedder's room they calls it1 though it ain't much of a room4 ,through that there door is the bedroom1 and that might be bigger1 that's sartin sure4 ,but ,i don't know as 'ow it much matters to the young gentlemen1 sir4 ,if so be they can lay down in it1 and 'as room for a chest o' drawers and a bath on the floor1 that's about all has they want4 ,but you'll need to take a bit o' care in the bath1 sir1 if ,i may make bold to say so4 ,mr4 ,bruce1 'e fair soak 'is blankets now an' agin4 ,ah1 that couch now1 sir6 ,springs be broken1 ,i will say4 ,but then1 lor1 sir1 how the young gentlemen bangs on 'em6 ,they will 'ave their bit o' fun1 sir1 same as what you did in your day1 ,i daresay4 ,still it's a bin like that for years1 an' p'rhaps a new one would be a good thing4 ,expensive8 ,ah yes1 sir4 ,things his dear4 ,let it stand over a bit1 so to say4 ,p'rhaps in 'is second year1 with 'is friends an' all a-coming hup1 it might be done4 ,that all1 sir8 ,thank you1 sir1 thank you kindly4 ,mr4 ,mavis is 'is gyp1 sir1 an' 'e'll be about soon ,i daresay1 though 'e's none too fond of work1 is ,mavis4 ',e'll tell you all you wants to know1 sir4 ,good afternoon1 sir4 ,mrs4 ,rover departed1 and shut the door behind her4 ,mr4 ,kestern smiled4 ,she's a talker1 ,paul1 he said1 but a good sort1 ,i daresay4 ,the race of bedders doesn't seem to have changed since ,i was up4 ,well1 what do you think of it8 ,paul glanced round again with shining eyes4 ,the little attic room was practically square4 ,on the left as you entered1 two high windows in the thick ancient wall1 each allowing you to sit there and gaze through its medival aperture1 looked out over a narrow college garden to the river4 ,since this staircase was only the second from the main entrance in the ,first ,court1 the room's occupant had a view as well down the narrow old-world street which crossed the river here by a bridge and twisted away past overhanging ancient houses4 ,in the near distance rose the spire of ,st4 ,lawrence's ,church4 ,chestnuts1 bare now1 guarded the river-front1 and trailed their lower boughs in the leaf-strewn stream4 ,between the windows was a fireplace with a bamboo overmantel4 ,opposite1 the right wall met a sloping roof which just allowed a bookcase to stand beneath it and was pierced by two more windows which1 however1 looked out on to the inner battlemented wall of the ,first ,court1 and permitted no more than a glimpse of ,st4 ,mary in her turret over the chapel on the farther side4 ,the little room itself was bare save for a square table in its centre2 a couch1 quite obviously much the worse for wear1 against the wall immediately opposite the door2 and a couple of chairs4 ,a faded red paper covered the walls4 ,a still more faded red carpet lay on the floor4 ,yet ,paul saw his own room1 the goal of years of work2 he saw in imagination his little desk already in a corner1 his books on the shelves1 himself in an arm-chair before a fire with leisure to read1 to write1 to think4 ,and he saw something else too1 which might immediately materialise4 ,it's splendid1 dad--just what ,i wanted4 ,i'm glad to be high up2 the view's so good4 ,but ,i'll do one thing right away1 first of all4 ,sit down for a minute1 will you8 ,he placed on the table a brown paper parcel he had been carrying beneath his arm1 and hurriedly tore off the wrapping4 ,a framed text revealed itself4 ,then1 mounting precariously on the couch1 he sought and found a nail from which the last occupant had hung some picture1 and there he hung his challenge1 right in the centre of the wall1 exactly opposite the door1 placed in such wise that no one could enter without seeing the words4 ,he stepped off and surveyed the effect4 ,a touch made the frame finally level4 ,their capital letter entwined with spraying daffodils1 the multi-coloured words proclaimed plainly an insistent and dogmatic legend3 ,one is your ,master1 even ,christ4 ,that takes possession1 dad1 somehow4 ,and everyone will know at once ,whose ,i am and ,whom ,i serve4 ,the short elderly kindly clergyman nodded proudly1 but with a little mist before his eyes4 ,ay1 ay1 ,paul laddie1 he said1 ,i'm glad you thought of that4 ,but it's easy to hang a text1 ,paul2 it's harder to live up to it4 ,let us ask the help of the ,master1 my son1 here and now1 at the beginning of your college life4 ,so the two knelt1 with the simplicity of children4 ,outside1 listening at the door1 ,mrs4 ,rover heard1 and expressed herself strongly thereafter to ,mr4 ,mavis4 ,left hattic is one o' the pious sort1 ,mavis1 she said4 ,put a text hup1 'e 'as4 ,ought ter be a soft job for you4 ,but ,mavis was in his own way a philosopher1 and an observer of life4 ,is 'e8 he queried4 ,well1 ,i'm glad to hear it4 ,may 'e stay so4 ,but ,i dunno2 ,i've seen a few o' them pious ones1 and they often turns out more mischievous than the other young devils4 ,seems ter me we ought'er 'ave put new screws in them winder bars4 ,arm in arm1 father and son went out to do some shopping4 ,paul1 used to hard economy1 was highly pleased with his father's generosity4 ,crockery marked with the arms of ,st4 ,mary's was an unexpected joy2 two arm-chairs1 and only one of them second-hand2 a few groceries1 cakes and biscuits2 two framed prints of ,landseer's dogs1 to brighten things up1 as his father said2 even a toasting-fork1 a lamp1 a side-table1 a tablecloth--all these1 and a hearthrug1 and the room seemed furnished4 ,he unpacked a box1 and graced his mantel-shelf with photographs1 a presentation clock from the children of the ,mission ,hall1 and a couple of ancient candlesticks1 in the form of metal storks upholding hollowed bulrushes1 from his bedroom at home4 ,then it was time for his father to return1 and the boy saw him to the station4 ,paul wandered back in the dusk3 his hands in his pockets turning a final gift of a new sovereign1 his mind on fire4 ,he peered curiously in at the gateways of unknown colleges1 examined the gay shops1 lingered over the bookcases of the numerous booksellers4 ,a bell was ringing in ,st4 ,lawrence's steeple as he passed1 and he stepped for a minute into the church4 ,it was a dark gloomy place1 but a couple of lighted candles on the altar showed him a crucifix and six more tall lights behind4 ,he came out quickly1 conscious of a little flush of anger4 ,people of that sort were betraying the ,faith4 ,he mounted the two flights of wooden stairs light-heartedly however1 and entered his own room4 ,mrs4 ,rover had kindled a fire1 and its ruddy glow welcomed him4 ,then he saw that there was a man standing by the fireplace4 ,he paused1 a little bewildered4 ,oh1 ,i say1 said the other breezily1 ,i'm glad you've come in4 ,i thought ,i'd wait a few minutes4 ,there's nobody up yet you know1 except a few of us freshers4 ,i heard about you from the ,dean1 and ,i thought ,i'd call at once4 ,my name's ,donaldson4 ,you're going to be a parson1 aren't you8 ,and so am ,i4 ,how do you do8 ,he held out his hand4 ,paul warmed to the cheery greeting4 ,topping of you to call1 he said4 ,my name's ,kestern4 ,then he remembered it was on the door1 and he felt a fool4 ,yes4 ,are you busy8 ,my things haven't all come yet1 and your room's a damned sight more cheerful than mine4 ,do sit down1 said ,paul4 ,take the new armchair4 ,you're the first person to sit in it4 ,they call 'em pews here1 rejoined the other1 sinking into the seat4 ,he had a pipe in his hand1 which he lit4 ,you smoke8 he queried4 ,no1 said ,paul4 ,well1 ,i do4 ,always have4 ,i can't read without it4 ,i mean to row if ,i can1 and ,i don't know how ,i'll get on when we train4 ,what are you going to do8 ,i'm not sure1 said ,paul cautiously1 not sure either what the other really meant4 ,well1 row then4 ,the boat captain's up already4 ,i saw him after lunch4 ,i'll tell him you want to tub1 shall ,i8 ,it'll be sporting if we get in a boat together4 ,yes1 said ,paul1 kindling at the proffered friendship4 ,sitting opposite across the fire1 ,paul took stock of his companion who did the major part of the talking4 ,donaldson was a busy personage and an unfamiliar type to ,paul4 ,it soon appeared that he held a missionary bursarship from a society which ,paul called high church2 that he was not1 however1 at all keen on a missionary vocation2 that the fact that he was to be a priest 7as he put it7 did not proscribe his pleasures to any great extent2 and that he was very sure of himself4 ,much of his conversation was unintelligible to ,paul1 but he was friendly1 and the boy was more lonely than he knew4 ,they went down to ,hall together seemingly the best of friends1 but ,paul was already aware that he was wading in unfamiliar waters4 ,his first ,hall was responsible for a series of indelible impressions4 ,the lovely old room1 lit only by candles in great silver sconces1 with its sombre portraits1 its stone-flagged floor1 its arching roof1 made him unutterably proud4 ,the few shy freshers in an oasis of light1 emphasised the dignity of the place4 ,this was his ,hall4 ,a solitary fellow at the high table read a ,latin grace in which ,paul understood only the ,sacred ,name1 and that was repeated with what struck him as a familiarity1 an indifference1 to which he was wholly a stranger4 ,accustomed to the simplest meals1 the dinner 7rather unusually good at ,st4 ,mary's71 and the many waiters seemed grand to him4 ,the comparative ease of his companions1 who nevertheless1 being all freshers1 eyed each other curiously1 made him self-conscious to a degree1 and ,donaldson1 more at his ease than anyone1 seemed in his eyes to be bold and daring4 ,next him1 on the other side1 sat a quiet man sombrely dressed1 who1 he gathered1 had been a day-boy like himself at a lesser public school1 and who introduced himself as ,strether4 ,he kept in the ,second ,court4 ,the three came out together1 and ,strether asked them up to his rooms for coffee4 ,the clock in the ,elizabethan gable above the ,hall was striking eleven as he and ,donaldson1 the ritual of that first coffee ended1 came out into the starlight4 ,below1 in the ,first ,court1 they stood a moment to say good-night4 ,lights gleamed in a few windows and a soft radiance of moonshine fell on the armorial bearings in the great oriel of the ,hall4 ,the few street noises seemed very remote4 ,there was an air of seclusion1 of peace1 about the place1 and ,paul drew in the night air with great breaths4 ,how unutterably lovely it all is6 he exclaimed4 ,the other glanced round carelessly4 ,yes1 he said1 ,i say1 that fellow ,strether wants taking in hand4 ,oh8 queried ,paul dubiously4 ,good ,god1 yes4 ,did you ever see such boots8 ,and his bags6 ,but he's got some money1 ,i should say4 ,still1 one can't be seen with him till he gets something decent to wear4 ,i liked him1 said ,paul shortly4 ,oh so did ,i4 ,but look here1 let's pinch his boots and make him buy some decent brogues4 ,paul was tickled4 ,all right1 he said1 laughing4 ,but how8 ,easily enough4 ,wait till he's out4 ,come to brekker to-morrow1 and arrange a plan of campaign4 ,what time8 ,any time you like4 ,say nine4 ,there's no chapel and no lekkers yet4 ,will that do8 ,right-o1 said ,paul4 ,good-night4 ,good-night4 ,doesn't matter if you're a bit late4 ,in his room1 ,paul lit a candle4 ,then he climbed into one of his window-seats and stared out at the moonlit1 slow-moving river1 the bare chestnuts1 the empty street4 ,how too lovely1 he whispered to himself again1 and sat long ere he got down to go to his little bedroom4 ,as he did so1 the flickering candlelight showed him his multi-coloured text with its white background4 ,the words stared at him silently1 and he repeated them to himself with something already of the air of a stranger4 7#b7 ,paul acclimatised with astonishing rapidity4 ,within a fortnight his square was gloriously bashed1 no one thundered more boisterously up and down the stairs1 and few strolled into ,hall with more nonchalance4 ,he tubbed daily and promisingly4 ,he was poor1 but he was learning to make his own porridge and fry his own breakfast eggs and bacon without an apology to ,mrs4 ,rover4 ,donaldson and ,strether 7in brogues now7 had taken to foregathering in his rooms as a regular thing4 ,he was known at large to be pi1 but among the freshers he was shaping for a place which would discount that to some extent4 ,a few literary men of his own year had already heard some of his verses and read a short story or two1 and the three friends had begun to conceive of ,the ,literary ,lounge1 a free and easy club which was to gather from time to time for the encouragement of amateur talent4 ,cambridge was moulding him far more speedily than even ,edith had expected4 ,the ,chapel had been an unforgettable experience4 ,his first ,sunday1 at the early service1 ,paul saw a vision of beauty which he had never associated with religion before4 ,the small clean ,gothic sanctuary1 with its old oak stalls1 its fourteenth-century chalice1 its air of age and quiet1 was a new thing to him4 ,the ,dean1 with his flaming scarlet hood1 took up the ,eastward position it is true2 but his reading was so scholarly1 his rendering of the service so reserved1 that ,paul knew that here was an atmosphere which1 if utterly familiar to most of the men1 was completely foreign to himself4 ,fervour1 loud congregational singing1 intense pietism1 all had gone2 but in their stead had come a sober solemn figure of austere beauty who was a new interpreter in religion to him4 ,the change entranced even while it repelled him4 ,robed in his white surplice in his stall1 he was aware of a historic past which had scarcely concerned him religiously heretofore1 and he was awed into reverence4 ,back in his own room1 it is true he was chiefly conscious of a lack somewhere1 a lack which1 however1 was made up to him by the ,cambridge ,intercollegiate ,christian ,union with its prayer meetings and its evening sermon to first year men in ,st4 ,saviour's ,church4 ,but even these struck a new note4 ,there was an emphasis on the intellectual side of belief4 ,that had been all but entirely absent in ,claxted4 ,his growing friendship with ,manning emphasised all this4 ,manning was a second year man who had rowed in his first year ,lents and ,mays1 and was now coaching the new freshers4 ,paul had tubbed late one evening1 and he and ,manning had left the boathouse together4 ,they bicycled back in company1 and in the porch of the college1 the great man invited ,paul in to tea4 ,he would scarcely have dared to refuse4 ,the other had ground-floor rooms1 much finer and bigger than ,paul's4 ,they had been redecorated2 a baby grand stood in one corner2 a revolving bookcase by the fire held a terra-cotta ,winged ,victory2 two or three gilt-framed pictures graced the white-papered walls4 ,take a pew1 said ,manning carelessly1 and shouted at the door for the kitchens4 ,he ordered oils and cakes lavishly1 and when the buttered buns had duly arrived and tea was well forward1 ,paul ventured a word of praise4 ,what topping rooms you have1 he said4 ,yes4 ,they are rather jolly1 aren't they8 ,that's a genuine ,corot over there which ,i bamboozled the governor into letting me bring up4 ,are you fond of art8 ,very1 said ,paul1 but ,i know so little about it4 ,literature's more in my line4 ,i'm awfully keen4 ,i say1 ,i wonder if you'd come to ',the ,literary ,lounge' one night8 ,the other smiled4 ,that's the new freshers' effort1 isn't it8 ,still1 ,i don't mind4 ,what night8 ,paul was hugely delighted1 and began to expand4 ,i'd love to know what you think of some of my things1 he said4 ,you should show them to ,tressor4 ,he'd help you4 ,great ,scott6 exclaimed ,paul1 ,i shouldn't dare4 ,why not8 ,not that ,i think much of ,tressor's stuff myself4 ,of course he can write rattlin' ,english1 and it all flows placidly enough1 but there's nothing much in it4 ,it's extraordinary what the public will read4 ,he has huge sales4 ,i know him quite a lot you know4 ,knew him at ,winchester4 ,he reads my essays1 of course1 said ,paul1 but ,i never thought to show a don my verse1 let alone a fellow with a reputation like ,tressor's4 ,well1 he's the man to help you obviously4 ,and he would too4 ,he's a jolly decent sort is ,tressor4 ,i spent a week last vac4 at his place4 ,he's got some rippin' stuff4 ,has he8 said ,paul1 eyeing with astonished awe the man who had stayed with a foremost literary lion and actually dared to criticise him4 ,yes1 jolly fine4 ,and it's a lovely old house and grounds1 under the ,south ,downs4 ,i read quite a lot there1 and we had some toppin' motoring and a little rough shooting4 ,he keeps a good cellar1 too1 which is something these days4 ,by the way1 have you tried the college port8 ,no1 said ,paul shortly4 ,he wondered if he ought to say that he was a teetotaler for life4 ,well1 you should4 ,it's damned good4 ,have a cigarette4 ,i don't smoke1 said ,paul4 ,wise man1 said the other4 ,by the way1 there's a company bringing up ,the ,mikado and ,the ,gondoliers this term1 a good crowd1 ,i think4 ,i know a girl in it4 ,gilbert and ,sullivan's stuff's great1 ,i think4 ,don't you8 ,i'm afraid ,i haven't seen any1 said ,paul1 who had never been to a theatre in his life4 ,he began to wish he had got out of coming to tea1 but he need not have done so1 for the other seemed curiously unsurprised4 ,haven't you8 ,then you've a treat in store for you1 he said4 ,and he plunged into gossip in which ,paul heard great names bandied about--,ibsen1 ,bernard ,shaw1 ,galsworthy--almost for the first time in conversation4 ,he said ,yes and ,no at intervals2 and if he had no contribution of his own to make1 he was at least very obviously interested4 ,manning was attracted by the boy4 ,he told ,tressor1 later1 that ,kestern knew nothing and had been nowhere1 but that he had possibilities and was at any rate not consciously a prig4 ,as for ,paul1 there opened before him a new heaven and a new earth4 ,when he had departed1 carrying volumes of the ,plays ,pleasant and ,unpleasant1 he found it hard to settle down to his books4 ,in half an hour1 he was1 indeed1 repolishing some verses entitled ,the ,backs in ,autumn with a view to getting ,manning to read a fair copy4 ,at lunch next day1 there came a knock on his door4 ,come in1 he called1 expecting the arrival of ,donaldson to fetch him for the river4 ,the door opened1 and a stranger entered4 ,kestern8 he said enquiringly1 standing in the doorway4 ,how do you do4 ,i must introduce myself--,i'm ,hartley of ,jesus4 ,possibly you may know my name as ,i'm on the ,committee of the ,c4,i4,c4,c4,u4 ,i meant to call before1 for ,i heard you were up at ,st4 ,mary's and you ought to be a great strength to us4 ,paul got eagerly to his feet4 ,do come in1 he said4 ,have you had lunch8 ,oh well1 do have some4 ,it's only a scratch affair1 but there's enough to go round4 7,he burrowed in the cupboard for plates and a knife47 ,i'm tubbing early1 so ,i have to hurry4 ,awfully good of you to call4 ,of course ,i've heard of you4 ,the other took a seat at the table4 ,he had frank keen eyes and paused a second for grace4 ,paul was suddenly aware that he himself had said none4 ,he pushed the cheese towards his guest and began to cut bread4 ,i'm glad you're up here1 said ,hartley4 ,we haven't a college secretary in ,st4 ,mary's and ,i hope you'll take it on4 ,then ,i've been wondering if you'd help me with something on ,sunday4 ,i run a children's service at ,st4 ,saviour's schools in the mornings1 and ,i'd be awfully grateful if you'd lend me a hand4 ,the ,committee want to put your name down too for the open-airs on ,parker's ,piece4 ,they hold one there every ,sunday night1 you know4 ,paul smiled warmly4 ,the atmosphere of ,claxted had come in with the visitor4 ,i'll be delighted to help1 he said1 but you've outlined a pretty tall programme for the first five minutes4 ,oh no1 said ,hartley4 ,you're used to all that kind of thing1 ,i know4 ,how did you come to hear of my being up8 queried ,paul4 ,i was on a ,children's ,seaside ,mission at ,eastbourne last ,august1 and met ,mr4 ,ernest4 ,he told me you were coming up4 ,miss ,ernest played for us sometimes4 ,she sang your praises sky-high4 ,paul blushed1 but it was very pleasant to hear of the home folk this way4 ,they were deep in talk when a clamour of ascending feet sounded on the stairs and ,donaldson was heard without shouting breezily3 ,kestern6 ,kestern6 ,four1 you're late6 ,damn it all1 sir 7bursting open the door71 you're late again4 ,oh--,i beg your pardon4 ,may ,i introduce you8 said ,paul4 ,mr4 ,hartley of ,jesus1 ,mr4 ,donaldson of this college4 ,how do you do8 said ,donaldson1 smiling characteristically4 ,awfully sorry4 ,didn't know anyone was here4 ,oh1 that's all right1 replied ,hartley4 ,i was just going4 ,you are both tubbing1 are you8 ,well1 ,kestern1 ,sunday at eleven1 eh8 ,will you give the address8 ,right1 said ,paul4 ,ten minutes8 ,yes--not longer4 ,cheerio4 ,good luck on the river4 ,and he went out4 ,who's that8 demanded ,donaldson4 ,pal of yours8 ,he looks a bit of an ass to me4 ,paul explained1 reaching for his cap and stick4 ,gosh6 ,so you're preaching on ,sunday1 are you8 ,he won't get me1 anyway4 ,don't suppose he'll ask you1 said ,paul4 ,where's ,gus ,strether8 ,gussie8 ,waiting below1 ,i expect4 ,he was ordering tea for three at the kitchens when ,i came up4 ,well1 let's go4 ,we haven't much time if we're walking down together4 ,the three friends foregathered in the ,court1 ,donaldson chaffing ,strether whom he had christened ,gus by way of a comical allusion to the other's very undandified dress4 ,he himself wore socks and ties that proclaimed themselves1 a ,norfolk jacket of a light tweed and a fancy waistcoat4 ,as they went1 ,paul was a little silent4 ,he was wondering whether he liked ,donaldson4 ,and if so1 why8 ,he was aware that the meeting with ,hartley had been significant1 that the two would never get on together1 that he was proposing to get on with both4 ,it was puzzling4444 ,by ,jesus ,bridge they chanced to meet a girl4 ,donaldson smiled at her1 after the manner of his kind1 and she smiled back at him after the manner of hers4 ,strether snorted after a fashion of his own4 ,donaldson took up his parable4 ,i say1 ,kestern1 did you see that8 ,gus1 that girl made eyes at you4 ,yes1 by ,jove1 she's looking back at you4 ,oh ,i say1 ,gussie1 this won't do1 my boy6 ,it's those new brogues of yours4 ,i've seen her along here before1 and ,i bet she's on the lookout for you4 ,here1 you aren't tubbing2 go and pick her up1 and tell us all about it at tea4 ,strether snorted again4 ,opprobrious conduct1 he muttered stormily4 ,donaldson roared with laughter and ,paul could not help smiling4 ,strether loved long words1 and it was characteristic of him that he made odd noises4 ,he retorted now1 fiercely4 ,don't bray like an ass1 he said4 ,do you want all the street to hear you8 ,gus1 you'll be the death of me6 ,opprobrious conduct6 ,but did you see her ankles--pretty little ankles and a neat little waist4 ,i must say you've got quite good taste4 ,some hussy of a shop-girl1 growled the other4 ,disgusting1 ,i call it4 ,why can't you leave females alone8 ,paul chuckled again4 ,come on you two1 he said4 ,let him alone1 ,donaldson4 ,we've still to change1 and it's past two now4 ,next day the intrigue so lightly begun developed4 ,manning had consented to tea with ,paul1 and ,donaldson1 who was there1 told him the story with certain emendations natural to him4 ,manning was highly amused4 ,write ,strether a letter1 he suggested1 pretending that it comes from the girl and asking him to meet her on ,jesus ,bridge some night4 ,very likely he'll bite out of sheer funk of what she might do if he does not4 ,you can go and watch4 ,he'll walk up and down snorting4 ,it'd be rather a joke4 ,by ,jove1 we will1 cried ,donaldson4 ,it'll be no end of a rag4 ,but look here1 he knows our handwriting4 ,will you write it8 ,yes1 if you like4 ,give me some paper1 ,kestern4 ,paul got up for the materials with some reluctance4 ,but ,i like old ,strether1 he objected4 ,he may be an ass1 but he's a good sort4 ,it mustn't go further4 ,the more the merrier1 said ,donaldson4 ,don't spoil sport4 ,paul shook his head1 hesitating4 ,but ,manning supported him4 ,you're right1 ,kestern1 he said4 ,we'll keep the joke to ourselves4 ,you three are pretty thick1 and it would be low down to split on a pal4 ,so the letter was written and posted1 and ,paul was at breakfast next morning when ,strether came in with it4 ,he flung himself into an arm-chair and tossed the note on the table4 ,who wrote that8 he demanded savagely1 his limbs sprawling all over the place4 ,paul1 feigning surprise1 opened it4 ',elsie ,dawson1' he read1 as one bewildered4 ,great ,scott1 ,gussie1 ,i shouldn't have thought you'd have had a correspondence with girls6 ,why1 she's the girl we met yesterday6 ,good ,lord--',will you meet me to-night at #i4cj on ,jesus ,bridge8' ,what are you going to do8 ,my aunt1 fancy her having the cheek6 ,strether kicked out at a footstool4 ,i don't know the girl1 he exclaimed bitterly4 ,for the life of him1 ,paul couldn't help playing up to the game now that the victim had risen so well4 ,he got up and went over to the fire4 ,but look here1 he said seriously1 she's seen you and she's plainly after you4 ,well1 hang it all1 man1 we don't want her sort hanging about whenever we go down to the river4 ,you'd better meet her once and choke her off4 ,take ,donaldson with you2 he'll take her off your hands4 ,strether growled1 muttered1 and kicked out at the footstool again1 the while ,paul1 intensely amused but outwardly serious1 gathered at last that he was cursing ,donaldson1 declining to tell that worthy a thing about the letter1 and demanding how the girl could have learnt his name4 ,she overheard ,donaldson saying it1 ,i expect1 invented the resourceful ,paul4 ,he was cut short by the noise on the stair that usually heralded that gentleman's approach4 ,give me the letter1 said ,strether hurriedly1 and don't say anything4 ,if you go1 come in here afterwards and tell me what happens1 replied ,paul quickly1 tossing it him4 ,the other nodded4 ,has he got it8 demanded ,donaldson eagerly1 as soon as they were alone at the boathouse that afternoon4 ,paul nodded4 ,oh my holy aunt1 what a spree6 ,what did he say8 ,what's he going to do8 ,paul explained1 smiling4 ,you're not to know4 ,i kidded him all right1 and ,i think he's going to-night4 ,lor6 what an ass6 ,well1 we'll be there anyway4 ,wonder if ,manning would care to come8 ,don't ask him1 said ,paul4 ,after all ,gussie's our pal1 and ,manning's not our year4 ,i wish he knew nothing about it4 ,donaldson stared4 ,he's a damned good sport1 anyway4 ,may be1 retorted ,paul4 ,so's old ,gussie1 if it comes to that4 ,all right1 conceded the other4 ,but we'll go4 ,we'll go out at nine4 ,it'll need a bit of reconnoitring4 ,paul showed admirable strategy by suggesting to ,strether that he1 ,paul1 should take ,donaldson out of college before the arranged hour for the rendezvous to avoid any awkward questions as to the other getting away from them4 ,in the shadow of a tree1 with coat collars turned up1 they watched their victim arrive1 cross and recross the bridge nervously2 advance1 obviously fuming1 some way into the ,common2 return2 look at his watch2 fume some more2 stamp about for a quarter of an hour2 and finally make off for home4 ,the conspirators returned another way1 and ,donaldson went to his own room4 ,paul found ,strether in his1 awaiting him4 ,hullo6 ,back8 queried ,paul4 ,what happened1 ,gussie8 ,no answer4 ,oh come on1 said ,paul1 what did she say8 ,did you get rid of her easily8 ,all this fuss about beastly females1 muttered ,strether4 ,then he flung himself back in his chair and half bellowed3 ,she wasn't there6 ,paul could have screamed4 ,it was irresistibly comic1 but he maintained his composure by an effort4 ,not there6 he exclaimed4 ,what do you mean8 ,the other explained4 ,paul suggested that she might have been kept at home4 ,hadn't he1 ,strether1 left the ,bridge a bit too soon8 ,strether emphatically thought not1 and gloom descended upon him4 ,what if she wrote again8 ,what if the porters spotted her hanging around8 ,what if--but further speculation was cut off1 the wooden stairs betraying approaching visitors4 ,manning and ,donaldson came in together4 ,hullo1 ,gus ,strether1 cried the latter noisily1 where've you been8 ,we've been searching the place for you4 ,shut up1 growled ,strether suspiciously4 ,manning smiled at both of them4 ,what a bally row you do make1 ,donaldson1 he said4 ,can you give us some coffee1 ,kestern8 ,look here1 ,i thought those verses of yours the other night jolly good4 ,the talk drifted into literature1 but ten minutes later there was a further knock on the door4 ,come in1 called ,paul4 ,the door opened1 and old ,sam1 an under-porter1 put in his head4 ,he was an ancient mariner1 short1 red-faced1 with smiling eyes1 a genial old boy and popular1 since he was ready for anything that included a tip4 ,beggin' your pardon1 sir1 he said to ,paul1 but is ,mr4 ,strether 'ere8 ,i couldn't find 'im in 'is rooms4 ,strether made a noise of some sort1 indicative of his presence1 from his chair4 ,his face was a study4 ,oh there you are1 sir4 ',xcuse me1 but there's a young lady in the porch a-arskin' after you4 ,pandemonium4 ,donaldson attempted to rush out and ,strether closed with him4 ,manning sprang to the lamp1 laughing so much that he could hardly hold it4 ,an arm-chair was overturned4 ,paul caught ,donaldson1 and ,strether freed himself4 ,sam beamed beneficently on them all and closed the door with a wink as ,strether went out4 ,oh my holy aunt1 roared ,donaldson4 ,gussie will be the death of me4 ,did you see his face8 ,but what's the next move1 ,manning8 ,wait for him to come back4 ,then pull his leg4 ,they waited a long ten minutes1 and then went off to ,strether's rooms4 ,his oak was sported1 and no amount of banging1 not even ,donaldson's uproarious ,gus ,strether6 ,open1 you old blighter4 ,come on1 ,gussie6 ,pull up your socks4 ,who's your lady friend8 echoing through the night1 was of any use4 ,the three departed together1 ,donaldson to ,manning's rooms for a drink4 ,but ,paul refused the invitation4 ,he climbed his stairway1 a bit conscious-stricken1 and sported his own door4 ,he glanced round the little room1 and drew consolation from its remote comfortable air4 ,then he remembered that it was ,saturday night and he had an address for the morrow to prepare4 ,he sighed and sat down to think4 7#c7 ,the children's service proved to be a small affair compared with his own at ,claxted and requires no further notice1 but the open-air meeting on ,parker's ,piece was a different matter4 ,when ,paul at last found himself on a chair beneath the central lamp-post1 it was with feelings he had never had before4 ,a big crowd of townsfolk surrounded him1 but among them were ',varsity men1 some members of the ,c4,i4,c4,c4,u41 but others who were not4 ,paul realised himself and his position as he had never done in ,lambeth ,court4 ,he was not merely preaching repentance to obvious and ignorant sinners2 he was challenging life and thought which could meet him on equal terms4 ,the sense of it surged through him as he stood there and read the curious faces1 yellow in the lamplight1 that ringed him round against the foggy gloom behind4 ,even these town's men were a new audience to him4 ,they had caught something of the criticism1 the independence1 of the ,university2 and they were also sarcastic1 as ,mr4 ,mavis and ,mrs4 ,roper might be1 having seen in their day many things4 ,this particular young gentleman's whim was religion1 just as another's might be the breaking of windows1 or the purchase of a certain kind of picture1 or some form of sport1 or highly coloured socks4 ,one had to take these phenomena philosophically1 thankful if one's own young gentleman had the more harmless crazes4 ,the sensitive ,paul was aware that this was the temper of the greater part of his audience1 while the lesser part would be critical1 amused1 or ragging undergraduates4 ,he faced the crowd uncertainly for a few moments4 ,and then the blinding conviction in which he had been nurtured swept down on him that1 after all1 these were but sinful souls needing the ,saviour1 their very complexity but making the more necessary ,his divine simplicity4 ,indecision went to the winds4 ,as he wrote home later to his father1 he1 thereafter1 preached unto them ,jesus4 ,when the circle broke up1 a man bore down upon him4 ,paul saw him1 started1 hesitated1 blushed and would have escaped4 ,but it was too late4 ,comin' back now8 queried ,manning with a smile4 ,i was returning from calling on some people who live across the ,piece1 and saw you4 ,we might as well walk back together and ,i'll brew some coffee4 ,you'll want it after that effort4 ,reassured to some extent1 ,paul thanked him1 exchanged a word or two with ,dick ,hartley in explanation1 and set off with the other4 ,clear of the crowd1 they fell into step4 ,i congratulate you on your sermon1 ,kestern1 said ,manning4 ,it was a great effort4 ,paul thought he detected a note of mockery in the words4 ,he pulled himself together and mustered up all his courage4 ,he must not1 he told himself1 be ashamed of his ,master4 ,i spoke what ,i believe with all my heart1 he said simply4 ,the senior man was instantly aware of the other's implied reproach4 ,he slipped his arm into ,paul's familiarly4 ,exactly1 he said4 ,no one with a grain of sense could doubt that4 ,if you don't mind my saying so1 it was a sincere1 genuine and remarkable performance4 ,it was1 honestly1 the best sermon ,i've heard for a long time4 ,paul warmed naturally to the praise4 ,the friendly appreciation cheered and encouraged him4 ,that's jolly good of you1 he exclaimed boyishly4 ,i thought at first you were pulling my leg4 ,my dear fellow1 ,i know true art when ,i see it1 protested ,manning4 ,art8 queried ,paul1 bewildered4 ,yes1 art4 ,skilful execution4 ,a fine art1 too1 for your imagination was at work4 ,and ,i'm inclined to think that you have a great gift of imagination1 ,kestern4 ,you felt strongly1 you saw vividly1 and you knew instinctively how to express yourself4 ,in the superlative1 that's genius4 ,that's how the great pictures come to be painted1 the great books to be written1 and the great orations to be made4 ,the interesting thing about you is that one is not yet sure which you will do4 ,paul was silent4 ,he was at once elated1 bewildered and disappointed4 ,gradually the humbler feeling predominated4 ,he had never thought of himself as an artist1 and as an evangelist he knew instinctively that he had failed with ,manning4 ,the ,gospel is not a work of art1 he said shortly1 and shrewdly4 ,but your presentation of it was a distinct tour de force1 said ,manning4 ,paul took his courage in both hands4 ,you praise the presentation1 not the thing1 he said4 ,what is the ,gospel to you1 ,manning8 ,the other smiled genially4 ,ah well1 he said1 if ,i invite an evangelist to coffee1 ,i suppose ,i must expect to be asked if ,i am saved4 ,don't6 cried ,paul4 ,you laugh at it4 ,i cannot do that4 ,you're wrong there1 replied the other quickly4 ,i do not laugh at it4 ,a man is a fool who does that4 ,it is impossible to deny that ,christianity was1 and probably is1 a great dynamic in the world's affairs4 ,you cannot dismiss ,st4 ,paul1 ,augustine1 ,francis of ,assisi1 or even ,luther and ,wesley or ,moody1 with a gesture4 ,but ,i confess that to-night's affair interested me most as an observer of men4 ,you interest me more than your religion4 ,but here we are4 ,let's talk over coffee4 ,paul1 in his arm-chair by the fireplace1 glanced round the now familiar room with an air of hostility of which his subconscious more than his conscious mind was aware4 ,but he had had tea that day with ,hartley1 and he definitely compared his friend's room at ,jesus with this1 for the first time4 ,he had yet to discover that he was sensitive to an atmosphere1 but he was already well on the road to that discovery4 ,hartley's room was big and rather bare4 ,he was athletic1 and the wall-space was almost wholly given up to a number of oars1 and a dozen or so plainly-framed groups with a cricket cap hanging from the corner of one4 ,the exceptions were two other photographs1 one of the service on the sands at ,eastbourne 7in which ,paul had discovered ,madeline7 and one of the ,cambridge ,university ,missionary ,campaigners in some ,midland town4 ,the mantelshelf was overcrowded with photographs of men1 snapshots of children1 and the cards of a variety of chiefly religious societies and activities among which a ,bump ,supper menu seemed out of place4 ,the electric lights were naked2 the window-curtains commonplace2 the tea had been homely4 ,the room focussed activities4 ,it had made ,paul feel instinctively keen1 as they said at the ,christian ,union4 ,manning1 kneeling before the fire1 was carefully pouring boiling water into a ,turkish coffee-pot of burnished copper4 ,delicate china coffee-cups stood by a silver cigarette-box on an ,indian lacquered table4 ,a diffused light filtered through silken lamp-shades1 and two wall-sconces of candles lit the pictures with a faint radiance4 ,the corners and distances of the room were heavy with shadows4 ,bronze chrysanthemums stood in a tall vase on an otherwise bare overmantel4 ,the chairs the big footstools1 the lounge1 the carpet--all were soft1 rich1 heavy4 ,the firelight glinted on the tooled leather bindings of books in a case opposite him4 ,the room made him feel comfortable and introspective4 ,parker's ,piece seemed to belong to a different world4 ,he pulled himself together1 and deliberately continued the conversation4 ,but it is ,christ ,who matters1 ,manning1 he said with real bravery4 ,the other replaced the kettle and set the coffee-pot on the table4 ,he selected a cigarette and lit it over the lamp4 ,then he settled himself comfortably on the lounge4 ,matters8 he queried4 ,your technicalities are new to me1 ,kestern4 ,but ,paul was not going to shirk issues4 ,yes1 he said1 matters to your soul1 for life or death4 ,that1 then1 said ,manning1 is my business4 ,my soul is my own1 at any rate4 ,no1 said ,paul1 it was bought with a price4 ',ye are not your own4' ,i was not aware that ,i had put mine up for sale1 retorted ,manning1 and if it was purchased1 on your own showing1 some nineteen hundred years before it came into my possession at all1 it seems to me that ,i don't get much of a chance4 ,christ bought you to set you free1 said ,paul1 and he mentally recalled a favourite anecdote of his concerning a travelling ,englishman and a freed slave4 ,for the first time1 perhaps1 he decided not to use it in this connection4 ,thanks1 said ,manning drily4 ,then ,i claim my freedom4 ,but1 capped ,paul1 you have to choose whom you will serve4 ,manning flicked off his cigarette ash with a little gesture4 ,look here1 he said1 words are words4 ,they serve a purpose1 but they are not ends in themselves4 ,st4 ,paul used ,jewish and ,rabbinic phraseology1 and appealed to his day with metaphors4 ,thus--it's as old as the hills--if you talk of purchase1 you imply a seller4 ,did ,christ buy me from ,satan or from ,almighty ,god or from whom8 ,so far as ,i am aware1 the point is not even yet settled4 ,nor is it meant to be settled4 ,it implies a conception of the universe generally that is outworn4 ,neither you nor ,i are ancient ,jews4 ,a good deal of water has flowed under the bridges since ,habakkuk4 ,paul said nothing4 ,in point of fact1 he hardly understood4 ,this was all new to him4 ,well1 ,i see ,god in art and beauty4 ,he has given me a soul that finds ,him there1 rather than in sacrifice of the fat of rams and the thunder of ,sinai4 ,i take it1 even you do not regard ,him as tied to pitch-pine1 corrugated iron and ,moody and ,sankey's hymns4 ,he is not to me a tribal deity1 needing propitiation and ordering the slaughter of women and children1 flocks and herds4 ',nothing but the ,blood of ,jesus1' sounded all right on ,parker's ,piece and offers an emotional stimulus to uneducated people4 ,but when you come to definitions1 the thought of the ,old ,testament leaves me rather cold4 ,how in the world can blood wash me clean8 ,but you believe in the ,bible1 surely8 queried ,paul1 puzzled and honestly grieved4 ,my dear fellow1 what in the world do you mean by 'believe in'8 ,i believe in ,browning4 ,personally1 ,i believe in the present ,government4 ,as a matter of fact1 ,i believe in you4 ,paul flushed4 ,but the ,bible is the 'verbally inspired ,word of ,god1' he ventured to quote4 ,which of the ten-score different versions8 queried ,manning calmly4 ,by the way1 have you shown your verses to ,tressor yet8 ,if his visitor accepted the change of subject1 it was because he was1 for the moment1 clean bowled4 7#d7 ,paul had left a note asking ,strether to breakfast1 and he rather wondered if1 after the previous day's rag1 his friend would come4 ,but he came4 ,to mark the occasion1 ,paul had fish and an omelette sent up from the kitchens1 and over these burnt sacrifices he made his apology4 ,look here1 ,gussie1 he said1 ,i'm sorry that rag ended as it did4 ,i had no idea the others had arranged it with old ,sam like that1 and ,i couldn't help ,donaldson kicking up all that row on the stairs4 ,that was beastly1 ,i admit4 ,i'm awfully sorry4 ,hope it won't make any difference to our friendship4 ,strether growled in his throat4 ,who bagged my boots8 he demanded1 with a sense of humour4 ,paul laughed4 ,let's rag ,donaldson somehow1 he suggested1 and ,i'll give them back4 ,strether smiled4 ,then frowned4 ,always talking about girls1 he muttered4 ,then1 dropping the subject for good and all1 ,come to ,the ,mikado this week1 he invited4 ,i've never been to the theatre1 said ,paul frankly4 ,the other nodded slowly in his meditative fashion4 ,so8 he queried4 ,yes1 said ,paul4 ,my people are against it4 ,they say the stage is immoral4 ,i don't know4444 ,then so are newspapers1 said ,strether1 and so's ,cambridge too for the matter of that4 ,that's different1 objected ,paul4 ,strether laid down his knife and fork4 ,going to the ,p4,m41 ,sunday8 he queried4 ,yes1 ,i expect so1 said ,paul4 ,why8 ,i'll come with you1 if you'll come with me to ,the ,mikado4 ,i've never been to a ,p4,m4 ,my people say prayer meetings make religion too emotional4 ,paul got up dubiously4 ,he looked out of the window4 ,after all1 there were1 it seemed1 many points of view in the world4 ,ought he to see none other than his father's8 ,and besides1 if this would get ,gus ,strether to a prayer meeting 444 ,i'll go1 he said4 ,i see that it is certainly foolish to condemn a thing you haven't seen4 ,that night1 over his fire in his own beloved room1 he got out a secret and personal diary which an evangelical missioner had urged him to keep1 and sat thoughtfully over it1 pencil in hand4 ,then he wrote slowly3 ,nov4 #ac4 ,i have decided to go to a theatre1 since it is obviously unfair to condemn anything unseen4 ,i wish to be sure of the spirit in which ,i go and for what ,i ought to look4 ,therefore ,i shall ask myself afterwards three questions1 and ,i write these down now to make certain that ,i do not forget3 #a4 ,if ,christ came while ,i was there1 should ,i mind8 #b4 ,do ,i see anything bad in this play8 #c4 ,has it helped my ,christian life8 ,years later he turned up his old answers1 written late on the ,wednesday night of the play1 and smiled at their amazing and yet serious youthfulness4 #a4 ,i should mind ,christ's advent while ,i was in the theatre no more than ,i should mind ,his coming while ,i was laughing over a humorous novel1 so ran the first answer4 #b4 ,honestly1 ,i see nothing bad in the play4 ,it was beautiful1 the colour and music bewitching1 and the only fault1 overmuch foolishness4 ,but in the bar and lounge1 one felt that the men about were mostly of the sort who are careless about their souls4 ,query3 ,but what about a bump supper or a smoking carriage8 #c4 ,no1 it has not helped my ,christian life1 but it has not1 so far as ,i can see1 hindered it4 ,indirectly1 it has perhaps helped me1 just as exercise1 music1 poetry and ordinary conversation1 may be said to do4 ,note4 ,honestly1 ,i have never enjoyed myself more in all my life4 ,poor ,paul6 7#e7 ,but he was to enjoy himself still more that memorable term4 ,towards its close1 as a scholar1 he received an invitation to the big college ,feast of ,st4 ,mary's1 a commemoration to which some distinguished outsider was always invited and which celebrated itself with the aid of a classic menu and some historic music4 ,neither ,strether nor ,donaldson were asked1 for neither had achieved scholarship fame1 and ,manning was separated from the fresher by an impassable gulf of table4 ,paul1 in fact1 sat between ,judson and the wall farthest from the ,high ,table4 ,judson1 cox of his boat1 was a genial person1 but no particular friend of ,paul's1 and ,judson1 moreover1 was frankly there to eat and drink4 ,paul functioned merely automatically in regard to these4 ,it was the splendour1 the glamour1 that he feasted upon1 and his imagination saw to it that neither lacked4 ,even the sheer beauty of the shining plate1 the silver candelabra1 the ancient hall and the glittering tables1 touched1 here and there1 with the orange and yellow and green and gold of the piled dessert1 was all but forgotten as he read his list of distinguished names1 caught the gleam of ribbons across this and that shirt-front1 listened to the clever short speeches1 delighted in the historic music1 shared1 timidly1 in the ceremonies of toast and loving-cup4 ,he saw a world worth entering4 ,he was intoxicated1 though he drank no more than a shy glass of lemonade4 ,if1 in the dark shadowed gallery away from the bustling waiters1 there lingered understanding spirits1 as like as not ,paul ,kestern was the most entertaining person present4 ,in the library1 the great ,tressor singled him out4 ,well1 ,kestern1 he said smiling1 what did you think of it all8 ,the boy looked at him gravely4 ,it was all rather wonderful to me1 sir1 he said4 ,it was a good feast1 certainly1 said the other4 ,by the way1 ,i fear ,i can't get away from all this now1 but ,i wanted to say a word to you about those verses of yours4 ,they are very distinctly good1 ,i think4 ,the shortest is the best--,the ,spent ,day4 ,you'll do much better work1 but in its own way1 it's a perfect poem4 ,paul could hardly believe his ears4 ,it is awfully good of you to read them1 he managed to say4 ,oh not at all4 ,i'm delighted4 ,look here1 are you engaged to-morrow8 ,come to luncheon1 will you8 ,you row1 don't you8 so you'll want to leave early4 ,i won't invite anybody else1 and we can discuss them then4 ,good-night4 ,the big man1 with the heavy eyebrows1 slightly bowed shoulders and kindly eyes1 smiled1 nodded1 and passed on4 ,manning followed him up to ,paul4 ,what did he say8 he asked4 ,paul hardly liked to tell him4 ,it seemed fantastic as he said it4 ,manning nodded4 ,i thought as much1 he said1 smiling4 ,remember me1 ,kestern1 when you're a big man4 ,i at any rate put one of your feet on the ladder4 ,paul mumbled something1 and soon escaped4 ,his fire was out in his room1 but it mattered little2 he could not sit down to read or think quietly after all this4 ,up and down he paced1 repeating ,tressor's words3 ,in its own way1 it's a perfect poem4 ,a perfect poem6 ,and ,tressor had said it6 ,said it after those songs1 those speeches2 said it in that company4 ,then1 as the boy passed and repassed1 his eye fell on his text4 ,he looked at it critically3 the frame and flowers and lettering were so extraordinarily bad4 ,a few weeks ago he had not remarked that4 ,still1 it was the words that mattered4 ,what would the ,master have thought of the college feast8 ,cana of ,galilee8 ,yes1 but ,he would have been but a visitor4 ,could ,he have had a real part in it8 ,paul swung into a new train of thought4 ,he considered the cost of it all4 ,why1 when he had refused the first cigar1 ,judson had said he never refused a half-crown smoke4 ,half a crown for a cigar6--the thing was monstrous to evangelical ,paul4 ,the smokes of the dinner alone would have kept a catechist in ,india for a year6 ,probably the wines would have paid the annual salary of a white missionary in ,china4 ,and with every tick of the clock1 a heathen soul passed into eternity4 ,how often he had said it6 ,what1 then1 was he doing among such things8 ,what part had he in such extravagance8 ,one is your ,master1 even ,christ4 ,paul sighed1 and reached for his diary4 ,the feast was wonderful 7he wrote71 extraordinarily beautiful ,i thought4444 ,but444 ,then he went to bed4 ,wonder on wonders4 ,the morning's post brought him a letter from the editor of ,the ,granta1 accepting1 magnanimously1 a short story of an imaginative nature that he had placed in ,egypt with the aid of a ,baedeker4 ,the editor asked1 interestedly1 if he had been there4 ,he supposed that ,paul must have been1 for the descriptions were so vivid4 ,paul's porridge grew cold4 ,he sat on with the letter in his hand4 ,donaldson found him so1 calling to go with him to a distant lecture4 ,hullo1 he said1 not finished brekker8 ,you're late again1 four6 ,i say1 said ,paul1 ,the ,granta's taken that yarn of mine about ,egypt4 ,by ,jove1 that's topping4 ,donaldson spoke enviously1 staring at him4 ,but ,i told you it was jolly good1 didn't ,i8 ,you did1 said ,paul1 but ,i say1 what do you think ,tressor said last night about my verse8 ,can't say1 said ,donaldson4 ,then ,paul told him4 ,his friend whistled4 ,damn it all1 ,paul1 he said--by the way1 let me call you ',paul1' may ,i8--,i should chuck all those preaching and praying stunts of yours now4 ,why on earth---- began ,paul1 utterly surprised4 ,oh well1 do as you think best4 ,but it'll spoil you for literature4 ,didn't ,tressor tell you the other day that your essays were too like sermons8 ,and if you get in with ,manning and all that set1 ,hartley and his crowd won't be of any use4 ,paul got up slowly and walked to the fire4 ,he stood still awhile1 gazing into it4 ,the other fidgeted4 ,come on now1 anyway1 he said4 ,we shall be late for that lekker4 ,i shan't go this morning4 ,i shall cut it4 ,right-o4 ,good-bye4 ,i'm off1 retorted the other1 and departed1 a little huffed4 ,mrs4 ,roper came in to clear away4 ,aren't you a-going to finish your breakfuss1 sir8 she asked4 ,i've done1 thanks1 said ,paul4 ,i don't want any more4 ,off 'is feed1 said ,mrs4 ,roper outside to her help4 ',ad too much at that there feast1 ,i expect4 ',ere1 you can 'ave them eggs4 ,as for ,paul1 he mounted his bicycle and rode out into the country4 ,a wintry sun lay on the bare woods and stubble fields1 and it was all very lovely4 ,even the close-cropped hedges were beautiful4 ,the fallen beech-leaves were a spread of old gold under the trees by ,madingley4 ,,chapter ,,iii ,,christmas ,,carols 444 ,doubt1 which1 like a ghost1 ,in the brain's darkness haunted me1 ,was thus resolved3 ,him loved ,i most1 ,but her ,i loved most sensibly4 ,lastly1 my giddiest hope allow'd ,no selfish thought1 or earthly smirch2 ,and forth ,i went1 in peace1 and proud ,to take my passion into ,church2 ,grateful and glad to think that all ,such doubts would seem entirely vain ,to her whose nature's lighter fall ,made no divorce of heart from brain4 ,,coventry ,,patmore3 ,the ,angel in the ,house4 7#a7 ,paul1 walking home from ,claxted ,station down ,edward ,street and past ,mr4 ,thornton's ,elite ,photographic ,studio1 was puzzled4 ,some bewildering spell had fallen upon ,claxted in a couple of months4 ,the suburban station had a strange respectable air that sat ill on it1 and whereas a station may smell of dirt or smoke1 it should not smell of stale paint4 ,edward ,street was horribly tidy1 and gaped4 ,the ,town ,hall and its ,libraries1 once majestic centres of learning and authority1 had been cheapened4 ,and the familiar road to his home appeared to have been newly washed and to have shrunk in the process4 ,his father's house had only escaped the snare by a miracle1 and ,paul was obsessed by a sense of that miracle4 ,the case of stuffed birds in the hall1 the gilt presentation clock in the drawing-room1 the old arm-chair in the dining-room1 the yards of commentaries and sermons in the study1 with the illuminated addresses above them1 were miraculously pleasant4 ,for days after his return1 he kept looking at them1 and marvelling inwardly that they were just the same4 ,the furniture of ,manning's and ,mr4 ,tressor's rooms had already made him feel that in his home recollections there must be some mistake4 ,but he knew now1 staring about him1 that there was not4 ,and he was still quite glad1 and a little subdued4 ,oh1 ,paul1 cried his mother1 hurrying into the hall to meet him1 how well you're looking6 ,are you glad to be back8 ,very glad1 mother darling1 said ,paul1 kissing her4 ,where's dad8 ,it's the ,band of ,hope night1 dear1 don't you remember8 ,he's not back yet4 ,but he said he wouldn't be late for supper4 ,sit down over there where ,i can see you1 and tell me all about ,cambridge4 ,paul laughed4 ,that's a big order1 he said4 ,i don't know where to begin4 ,tell me about your children's service and the open air meetings1 ,paul1 said his mother4 ,is ,mr4 ,hartley nice8 ,your father and ,i are so glad you've made such friends4 ,paul thrust ,the ,literary ,lounge1 the ,college ,feast1 the ,theatre1 ,donaldson1 ,strether and ,manning1 into the back of his mind1 and told her4 ,and do you find the lectures hard8 she queried4 ,paul laughed gaily4 ,what a topsy-turvy notion of ,cambridge his mother1 after all1 must have6 ,his father's key grated in the door and ,paul ran out into the hall4 ,the clergyman came in1 followed by ,mr4 ,derrick4 ,ah1 ,paul1 he said1 it is good to see you home again4 ,come in1 ,mr4 ,derrick4 ,paul's just back4 ,i'll get you the books at once4 ,he entered the study1 and ,mr4 ,derrick held out his hand4 ,paul took in the dapper little man1 from his spotless tall linen collar to his neat black boots4 ,how are you8 he said genially4 ,how goes things8 ,how do you do1 ,mr4 ,paul1 said ,mr4 ,derrick nervously4 ,we are all very well1 thank you4 ,have you had a good time at college8 ,how short the terms are6 ,you seem scarcely to have gone away at all4 ,eh8 queried ,paul1 momentarily astonished4 ,then he recollected4 ,yes1 he confessed1 ,i suppose they do seem short4 ,we read more in the vacs4 than in the terms1 you know4 ,i hope you will still be able to lend us a hand1 however1 said his visitor4 ,rather1 said ,paul4 ,who's taking the children on ,sunday8 ,i am1 unless you'd rather4 ,i put ,paul down for the evening1 said his father1 returning4 ,i rather hope he'll go to church with his mother in the morning4 ,she'd enjoy having him4 ,you know what mothers are1 ,derrick4 ,yes1 yes1 to be sure1 said the little man quickly4 ,i should have thought of it4 ,but ,i expect we shall see a good deal of you1 ,mr4 ,paul4 ,rather1 said the young man again4 ,are all the folk going strong8 ,yes4 ,mr4 ,vintner is secretary of the ,missionary ,committee in your place4 ,he's coming on well4 ,vintner6 exclaimed ,paul4 ,but he was ashamed of his instinctive thought the next moment4 ,splendid1 he said4 ,mr4 ,derrick nodded4 ,he gave a most helpful address on ,henry ,martyn last week4444 ,thank you1 ,mr4 ,kestern4 ,are those the books8 ,i'll go through them to-night and let you have them on ,sunday4 ,i don't suppose it'll take me long4 ,good-night4 ,good-night1 ,mr4 ,paul4 ,the clergyman thanked him and saw him out4 ,capital fellow1 he said1 entering the dining-room4 ,wait till you're ordained1 ,paul1 and you'll know what such lay help means to a clergyman4 ,well1 dear boy1 and how are you8 ,really ,i think you've grown4 ,what do you think1 mother8 ,i've been admiring his fancy waistcoat1 said ,mrs4 ,kestern4 ,where did you get it1 ,paul8 7#b7 ,paul was soon aware that he was in for a delightful vacation4 ,not many young men in their circle went to the ,university1 and none at all1 naturally1 from among the workers4 ,paul was1 therefore1 lionised4 ,it was impossible for him not to be aware of it4 ,he had always been a kind of natural leader1 but he was now something more4 ,a glamour sat about him4 ,it was possibly ,miss ,ernest who made him aware of it first4 ,she was to play at the ,mission ,hall that first ,sunday night1 and ,paul called for her to take her down through the dark1 slummy streets4 ,she kept him waiting some minutes1 and when she came down1 she was most unusually resplendent even for her4 ,how do you do8 she said1 shaking hands and smiling4 ,do you know1 ,i hardly dare call you ,paul now8 ,why ever not8 he asked1 closing the house door behind her4 ,you're so much older1 she said4 ,two months1 ,madeline1 he protested1 using her name deliberately4 ,is that all8 ,it seems to me that you've been away ages4 ,paul glanced at her4 ,she was entirely demure1 and did not look at him4 ,well1 he confessed1 it seems a long time to me too4 ,it's curious how quickly ,cambridge changes things4 ,i hardly feel the same as ,i did two months ago4 ,i suppose you've met all sorts of ripping people4 ,rather4 ,do you know ,mr4 ,tressor's at our college1 and ,i've shown him my verses4 ,he said--he was awfully nice about them4 ,and ,the ,granta has taken a story of mine4 ,i'm not surprised1 she said4 ,i always thought you had it in you4 ,paul was a little piqued that she took it so easily1 though on reflection he perceived that this was a compliment4 ,it is impossible not to write at ,st4 ,mary's1 he said4 ,is it very lovely8 she asked softly4 ,oh1 exquisite4 ,you must see4 ,do you think you could come up in the summer term8 ,my rooms are small and high up you know1 but perfect ,i think4 ,and the ,hall and ,chapel thrill me every time ,i see them4 ,if you could see the moonlight on our ,first ,court6 ,doesn't ,claxted bore you after all that8 ,paul laughed4 ,it's rather quaint1 he confessed4 ,it's really rather like another world4 ,do you know1 ,i've been to the theatre4 ,have you8 ,oh how splendid6 ,i'd love to go4 ,don't tell anyone1 said ,paul1 cautiously4 ,of course not4 ,what did you see8 ,the ,mikado4 ,oh don't--,i can't bear it4 ,you make me so jealous4 ,there you are1 leading your own life1 and ,i'm tied down to this4 ,you don't know how things bore me at times4 ,paul grew suddenly grave4 ,i think perhaps ,i am beginning to1 he said1 and lapsed into silence4 ,a lay-reader took the service1 and ,paul1 in cassock and surplice on the platform of the little mission church1 had leisure to observe4 ,he had been there a thousand times2 very dear memories linked him to it2 but not till now had he looked about him critically4 ,the place was an iron building of good size1 garishly lit with gas1 and at one end was a platform which could be screened off from the body of the hall4 ,the curtains were drawn apart for this service1 and ,paul from where he sat1 stared sideways at the varnished ,table within the encircling wood railings2 at the text above it2 at the harmonium opposite him1 with the back of ,miss ,ernest visible1 and the side of her face1 under its big hat1 when she occasionally glanced at the lay-reader who was taking the prayers and announcing the hymns4 ,below her sat the choir of working men1 and near them a couple of forms of girls who strengthened their efforts4 ,paul scanned their faces surreptitiously with amusement4 ,there1 against the wall1 was old ,miller who invariably started each verse a word ahead of the rest1 and got steadily more flat as the hymn continued4 ,among the girls1 he was surprised to see ,miss ,tillings4 ,he supposed she had been converted in his absence4 ,in the front row was ,hodgson1 a police-sergeant and a thoroughly good fellow4 ,next him1 ,mc,arthur1 who played a cornet when he knew the tune4 ,and then the congregation1 among them ,mrs4 ,reynolds4 ,if ,edith ,thornton were present1 he could not see her4 ,but he looked4 ,the lay-reader was occasionally doubtful about his aspirates4 ,he also read an unduly large selection of collects4 ,his voice1 too1 got on ,paul's nerves4 ,he read for the hundredth time the short1 staring gilt text above the ,table4 ,till ,he ,come4 ,except for the hymn notices1 there was nothing else to catch the attention4 ,oh yes1 ,i4,h4,s4 in a monogram under the text4 ,paul wondered if the lay-reader knew what the letters meant4 ,he wondered if any of them knew what they meant4 ,then1 as the reader began the prayer for ,parliament1 if anyone knew what anything meant4 ,mrs4 ,reynolds1 for example4 ,that all things may be bordered and settled by their hendeavours1 upon the best and surest foundations4444 ,amen--very loudly from old ,miller4 ,but he had heard that old ,miller was a strong ,conservative and concerned with politics in his off hours4 ,curious2 it struck ,paul suddenly that the workers never seemed to have politics4 ,oh1 at last--,hymn #adh4 ,afterwards1 they were all very kind4 ,he shook hands with the departing congregation1 including ,hilda ,tillings4 ,hodgson was unfeignedly glad to see him back4 ,but outside1 while ,paul was smilingly making his way back to the platform by which ,madeline was standing drawing on her gloves1 the sergeant was rebuffed by old ,miller4 ,good sermon1 ,miller1 he said4 ,he's a fine young chap1 and ,i'm glad he's back4 ,eh1 eh1 sergeant1 but ,i dunno as ,i 'olds with all this 'ere book-larning4 ',e's got more grammar nor ever1 and1 seems ter me1 less grace4 ,doesn't it all seem rather queer to you now8 asked ,madeline1 as they walked home4 ,paul shrugged his shoulders4 ,they're rattling good people1 he said1 enigmatically4 ,yes1 of course4 ,by the way1 do you remember that the ,sale of ,work is to be this week4 ,you will help me decorate our stall1 won't you1 ,paul8 ,rather4 ,is it this week8 ,i'd forgotten4 ,do you want all that muslin stuff tacked up again8 ,yes4 ,but we'll get you a step-ladder this year4 ,the boxes collapsed last time--remember8 ,he nodded1 amused4 ,but why don't you try a new idea8 he suggested4 ,why always keep to the same old muslin8 ,madeline sighed4 ,we do always keep to the same old things1 don't we8 ,but what could we do8 ,suggest something4 ,have a background of palms and cover the framework with ivy4 ,that'd be lovely4 ,but how could we get the ivy8 ,leave that to me4 ,i'll get it for you4 ,will you8 ,thanks so much4 ,could ,i help8 ,paul glanced at her carefully4 ,she walked gracefully1 but with her eyes on the pavement4 ,he admired her fair hair and her new hat1 her trim figure4 ,after all1 why not8 ,bicycle out with me on ,friday and get some1 he suggested4 ,there's lots at ,hursley4 ,her voice was even as ever as she replied4 ,that would be delightful1 she said4 ,come in now and ask father1 will you8 ,perhaps he'd come too4 ,and ,i say1 do let me read your verses4 ,i'd like to so much4 ,paul was suddenly shy4 ,oh they're nothing1 he said4 ,she smiled4 ,mr4 ,tressor did not think so1 she retorted4 ,paul1 ,i wonder if you're going to be a poet4 ,i'm going to be a foreign missionary1 he said4 ,well1 you can be both4 ,i expect abroad you would have no end of inspiration4 ,you're not likely to be sent among utter savages4 ,you're more likely to be made the head of some college or another1 perhaps in ,india4 ,you could write too4 ,i should think ,calcutta or ,delhi1 or some place like that1 would be heavenly4 ,and you'd go to the mountains in the summer4 ,it makes me envious to think of you4 ,you'll have a glorious life4 ,paul grew grave4 ,i'd prefer to be among savages1 he said4 ,why8 ,besides1 do you think that's altogether right8 ,god didn't give you your gifts for you to waste them4 ,and they want the other sort of missionary just as much4 ,i suppose they do1 said ,paul4 ,and if ,i lived that sort of life1 ,i should marry4 ,one could4 ,i've always doubted if a pioneer missionary ought to marry4 ,madeline nodded4 ,i think you're right4 ,and besides1 the wives of that sort of missionary do get so awfully dowdy4 ,i suppose it doesn't matter what you wear among savages1 and so they don't care any more about dressing4 ,i'm afraid ,i could never be so good as all that4 ,paul laughed4 ,honestly1 ,i can't see you dowdy1 ,madeline1 he said4 ,she smiled1 but said nothing4 ,he glanced at her shyly4 ,summery frocks and ,indian ,society would suit you1 he said4 ,do you think so8 she said easily4 ,yes4 ,by the way1 you just must come up for the ,mays4 ,will you promise8 ,i'll come if ,i possibly can1 she said1 and thank you ever so much for asking me4 ,here we are4 ,now come in and settle with father about the ivy1 will you8 7#c7 ,the ,annual ,sale of ,work was the parochial ,feast of ,claxted4 ,a distinguished visitor was always invited to open it2 the stalls through which one wandered1 were so many courses1 so to speak2 and in the evening1 there were always songs1 a few speeches1 and light refreshments4 ,so far as the ,mission ,hall of the church was concerned1 only the more superior members were expected to put in an appearance1 and these chiefly in the evening4 ,thus ,hodgson always came1 but not old ,miller4 ,the ,christian ,endeavour arranged little side-show concerts from six o'clock onwards1 at half-hour intervals1 but even the ,endeavourers were not seen in the afternoon4 ,during those sacred hours1 the carriages drew up outside the ,parish ,room in ,edward ,street1 and there descended from them the elite and the wealthy of the congregation4 ,these1 entering the half-empty room1 caused a ripple of comment to run through the stall-holders proportionate to their importance4 ,old ,mrs4 ,wherry1 ,mrs4 ,ernest would whisper enthusiastically to ,madeline4 ,oh1 my dear1 try to get her here at once4 ,she always spends such a lot1 and she's so blind1 she can't see what she buys4 ,she just decides to spend so much1 ,i believe1 and when it's spent1 no one can get another penny out of her4 ,do fetch her here4 ,how can ,i1 mother8 retorted ,madeline1 on this occasion4 ,i'll try1 said ,paul1 good-humouredly1 and strolled off in her direction4 ,madeline1 ,i saw you fastening that ivy with ,paul1 said ,mrs4 ,ernest1 as he went4 ,well1 mother8 ,my dear1 anyone might have seen4 ,i thought ,i saw ,mrs4 ,cator watching4 ,and you know what she is likely to say4 ,madeline tossed her pretty head4 ,i know what ,i am about1 mother1 she said4 ,i hope you do1 sighed ,mrs4 ,ernest4 ,her husband was a good man1 but without distinction1 and truth to tell1 she was tired of living on a curate's stipend4 ,paul came up with ,mrs4 ,wherry4 ,the old lady had been genuinely glad to see him1 and1 since her own sons had been at ,cambridge1 she showed him caustic good humour4 ,you want me to spend my money here1 ,i suppose1 do you8 ,well1 it doesn't much matter to me4 ,good afternoon1 ,mrs4 ,ernest4 ,i see you've adopted a system of pickets4 ,or is it ,miss ,ernest8 ,still everything's fair in love and war1 and certainly a ,sale of ,work is war4 ,what have you8 ,i shall only buy things that ,i can send elsewhere4 ,paul stood chatting with ,madeline again while the old lady did her shopping4 ,a little hum of talk covered their conversation1 which was broken now and again as someone nodded and spoke to him1 or he was sent off by his father on some trivial errand4 ,he was not as bored as usual1 but drifted back to the ivy-hung stall fairly regularly4 ,at half past four he suggested tea4 ,you can go1 ,madeline1 said ,mrs4 ,ernest4 ,i'll wait a little4 ,someone must watch the stall4 ,come on then1 said ,paul1 catching ,madeline's eye1 and she moved off with him4 ,formerly it had been hard to get ,madeline for tea4 ,young men1 who had recently started going to the ,city1 used to drop in about this time and take her off4 ,there were one or two about now1 but she had no eyes for them4 ,he piloted her into a corner1 and went to get the tea from the buffet which was presided over by ,mrs4 ,cator herself4 ,she kept him chatting while a fresh pot was made1 and he was steering his way back to ,madeline with the little tray when he saw ,edith4 ,it was early for her1 for she arrived1 as a rule1 with the rest of the ,endeavourers4 ,there she was1 however1 with her mother in a black dress and a bead bonnet4 ,mrs4 ,thornton was well known in the congregation4 ,she aspired to rather a high estate1 which was impossible for her1 socially1 with her husband's shop in ,edward ,street4 ,paul watched ,edith bring her in4 ,the girl was quiet and self-possessed1 and did not1 apparently1 see him4 ,she steered her mother to a little table and sat down by her4 ,one of the ,miss ,cators1 acting waitress1 went up for the order4 ,here's the tea1 said ,paul4 ,sorry ,i was so long4 ,you must want it4 ,i do4 ,oh1 and you've got eclairs6 ,how delicious2 ,i love them4 ,i remembered that you did at the school-treat last ,august4 ,that terrible day6 ,do you remember how ,mrs4 ,thornton would have lunch at our table8 ,look--there she is4 ,i do hope she doesn't see you4 ,she's sure to come over if she does4 '',ow do you do1 ,mr4 ,paul1 and 'ow do you like ,cambridge8 ,we're glad to see you back1 ,i'm sure4' ,paul sat down deliberately in such a position that he could see ,edith4 ,don't1 ,madeline1 he said4 ,she's a thoroughly good sort really1 and means well4 ,paul1 you know perfectly well you used to laugh at her as much as any of us4 ,did ,i8 ,then ,i was wrong4 ,i'm beginning to see that the world is full of queer sorts of people1 and that the only real test is their sincerity4 ,well1 then1 some sincere people are impossible4 ,you know they are4 ,at any rate ,i'm sincere enough to tell you that ,i think so4 ,ethel ,cator came up to them4 ,she was a brunette1 tall and thin1 and in a cap and apron she looked pretty4 ,she was one of ,madeline's friends4 ,hullo1 ,madeline1 she said4 ,how are you two getting on8 ,have some more tea8 ,my dear1 aren't you worn out with this tea business8 ,can't ,i give you a hand8 ,it's a slack time at the stall4 ,oh no4 ,it's all right4 ,but it's our busy time1 of course4 ,have some more eclairs4 ,we're running a bit short1 but ,i can get some for you4 ,i couldn't4 ,really1 ,i couldn't4 ,will you1 ,paul8 ,i say1 ,ethel1 are you going to the school dance8 ,grace said yesterday she didn't know what you had decided4 ,do come1 my dear4 ,i've said ,i'll go1 and you must be there4 ,i've positively got a new frock for it4 ,look here1 said ,paul1 laughing1 this is no place for me4 ,i'm off4 ,i'll tell your mother to expect you in half an hour1 ,madeline4 ,good-bye4 ,good-bye1 ,miss ,cator4 ,your tea's topping4 ,i'll send in everyone ,i see4 ,and he walked off4 ,madeline glanced quickly across the room2 ,mrs4 ,thornton and ,edith were making their way to the door2 ,paul caught them up as she watched4 ,she flushed slightly4 ,ethel ,cator slipped into the empty place by her side1 and dropped her voice a little4 ,he's not keen on that girl1 surely1 she said4 ,madeline shrugged her shoulders4 ,how should ,i know8 she asked1 with an assumption of indifference4 ,ethel laughed4 ,well1 my dear1 of course it's not my business1 but ,i thought you saw a good deal of him4 ,well1 naturally1 seeing what our fathers are4 ,has ,cambridge changed him8 ,i should have thought he'd have dropped the ,mission ,hall now4 ,ethel's tone was a little contemptuous1 and it roused ,madeline to the defensive4 ,my dear1 you don't know ,paul1 she said coolly4 ,he doesn't play at religion4 ,he probably wants to speak to ,miss ,thornton about the ,christian ,endeavour4 ,it would take more than a term at ,cambridge to make ,paul throw that over4 ,and ,i like him for it4 ,her friend got up4 ,i must go1 she said4 ,i didn't mean to be a cat1 ,madeline4 ,everybody knows ,paul's a born parson1 and of course he'll make a good one4 ,he wants to go to ,india1 said ,madeline1 mollified and inconsequent1 and not realising that she lied4 ,he'll be a bishop one day1 ,i expect4 ,ethel looked envious1 and rewarded her4 ,india6 she exclaimed1 and sat down again for a minute or two4 ,the girls fell to discussing ,simla with a suburban imagination4 ,mrs4 ,thornton had asked him ',ow he liked ,cambridge8 and ,paul had replied at length4 ,but she had gone off at last1 and left him with the tall girl whose brown eyes had been alight with a flicker of amusement the while he had talked to her mother4 ,they were standing near the platform at the top of the room1 and a not yet opened fishpond with its appurtenances screened them slightly4 ,he was able to look her full in the face now and realise how good she looked1 though the little fur hat was slightly out of place there1 and her coat a little shabby4 ,mother's a dear1 she said4 ,he nodded4 ,i know4 ,edith1 ,i've longed to see you again4 ,why weren't you at the ,mission ,hall on ,sunday8 ,i couldn't go4 ,i was ever so sorry4 ,really8 ,she nodded4 ,i knew you were preaching4 ,mr4 ,derrick told us4 ,but ,i had to stay and help mother with the kiddies4 ,paul saw a mental vision of the little rooms over the shop and the three small ,thornton children sprawling everywhere4 ,once or twice he had been in on business for the ,society1 and he knew it well4 ,edith in that setting had always puzzled him a little4 ,she did not seem quite to belong to it1 and yet she moved about household jobs with a quiet dignity that did not in the least suggest resentment or incongruity4 ,you'll be here to-night8 he questioned4 ,she shook her head4 ,that's why ,i've come this afternoon4 ,when are we going to meet then8 ,i do so want to talk to you4 ,cambridge is wonderful1 ,edith4 ,there's heaps to say4 ,i don't know why1 but ,i want to tell you things4 ,he couldn't know that she had to make a little effort to steady her voice4 ,do you1 ,paul1 she said4 ,that's awfully good of you4 ,he studied her a minute1 thinking rapidly4 ,tell me what you're doing this week1 he demanded4 ,oh1 the usual things4 ,band of ,hope1 a committee ,thursday1 prayer meeting ,friday1 and ,saturday1 some cousins of ours are coming over4 ,sunday8 ,you silly6 ,you know as well as ,i do6 ,paul reflected4 ,he would have to call for ,madeline for the children's service4 ,afternoon ,sunday school--no good1 he knew4 ,evening1 his mother would be going down to the ,mission ,hall4 ,he shrugged his shoulders impatiently4 ,monday8 he queried4 ,she smiled4 ,monday's the first night of carol singing1 she said4 ,no6 he cried eagerly4 ,i'll come4 ,what time do you start8 ,you know you never come1 she said laughing4 ,have you learned to sing so much better at ,cambridge8 ,a little thrill of pleasure at her laughter ran through him4 ,you shall hear1 he said4 ,i shall be there4 ,and when we've finished1 ,i shall see you home4 ,i half promised ,mr4 ,vintner1 she said1 but perhaps---- ,there's mother looking for me4 ,i must go4 ,and ,paul1 alone1 could not get ,albert ,vintner out of his mind while he discoursed of the ,university to his father's senior churchwarden4 ,mrs4 ,kestern left before the conclusion of the proceedings1 and ,paul stood by the table alone1 watching his father1 ,mr4 ,derrick and a warden make neat piles of silver and gold1 enter totals on slips of paper and finally arrive at the exact figure taken4 ,conversation among the waiting onlookers died down while the final immense calculation was being made1 and it was in a solemn silence that at last ,mr4 ,kestern stood erect1 beaming and triumphant1 to announce that the result exceeded by five pounds1 seven and fourpence the previous year's figure1 and to say that he thanked all who had in any way assisted at this magnificent result with all his heart4 ,they would now join in singing the ,doxology4 ,madeline went to the piano2 ,thank ,god from whom all blessings flow1 they sang4 ,paul joined in heartily1 but a little self-consciously4 ,it was odd1 but the familiar words did not come as naturally as they had used to do4 ,five pounds1 seven and fourpence6 ,but his father was a saint1 ,paul thought1 as he looked at him4 7#d7 ,paul1 ,mr4 ,kestern and ,miss ,bishop walked home together1 the latter a great friend of the ,church4 ,she was angular1 tall1 a little caustic and an able speaker1 and she had a great reputation for knowledge4 ,she felt deeply and expressed herself strongly4 ,paul liked her immensely4 ,she led the conversation now1 in her clear1 incisive1 deep voice4 ,it appeared that a newly-appointed neighbouring vicar had accepted the offer of a cross and two candlesticks for the ,holy ,table in his church4 ,it was known1 at last1 that he had definitely accepted2 it was not known1 yet1 what would be done about it--whether appeal would be made by some aggrieved members of the congregation against the granting of a faculty1 or whether ,mr4 ,kensit would be called in4 ,miss ,bishop was wholly in favour of this latter4 ,what is the good of faculties and appeals8 she demanded4 ,they always confuse the real issue4 ,kensit knocks the nail on the head anyway4 ,it's not a case of legal or illegal ornaments2 it's a case of ,rome4 ,do they take us all for fools8 ,church after church has begun that way1 and ended with ,mass and the confessional6 ,mr4 ,duncan1 observed ,mr4 ,kestern mildly1 is entirely against all that4 ,this is a mistake1 of course1 but he seems to me a sincere1 earnest evangelical at bottom4 ,then what1 continued ,miss ,bishop decisively1 has he to do with a cross and candlesticks8 ,it's all very well1 ,vicar1 but that's the thin end of the wedge4 ,you know it as well as ,i do4 ,his work is the saving of souls1 and that sort of thing never saved a soul yet4 ,is that not so8 ,i'm afraid you're only too right1 admitted ,mr4 ,kestern4 ,it's a great pity--a great pity4 ,a pity6 ,i should call it something worse than that1 retorted the lady4 ,paul's mind was busy4 ,he was recalling the chapel at ,st4 ,mary's in the early mornings1 and the remote1 austere1 moving little service enacted there on ,sundays before a cross and candlesticks4 ,for the life of him he had to say something4 ,miss ,bishop1 he said1 do you think1 nowadays1 a cross always leads to ,rome8 ,there is one on the ,table at ,st4 ,mary's4 ,and how much ,gospel have you heard preached there8 she demanded1 shrewdly4 ,yes1 ,paul1 that's the test1 said his father4 ,the boy hesitated4 ,then he equivocated4 ,but the cross is the sign of our faith1 he said4 ,is it8 ,miss ,bishop was emphatic4 ,i do not know that it is--not1 at any rate1 in the sense people use the phrase4 ',christ is ,risen'3 that's ,christianity4 ,the empty cross symbolises that1 said ,paul4 ,then put a cross on the steeple1 in the porch1 over the pulpit even4 ,why on the ,table8 ,you know as well as ,i do that the thing is ,pre-,reformation1 ,roman usage4 ,a little earlier1 retorted ,paul4 ,but not early enough4 ,did ,paul have a cross in the catacombs8 ,possibly1 said ,paul1 nettled4 ,miss ,bishop uttered an indignant exclamation4 ,not of that sort1 she said4 ,mr4 ,kestern linked his arm in ,paul's4 ,the lad doesn't mean to defend ,ritualism1 he said kindly4 ,i know my boy too well4 ,keep to the ,word of ,god1 ,paul1 and you won't go wrong4 ,but1 father1 began his son---- ,mr4 ,kestern pressed his arm4 ,that will do1 ,paul1 he said4 ,i want to ask our friend something4 ,the theatre service for the last night of the year is definitely settled1 ,miss ,bishop2 will you say a few words8 ,miss ,bishop did not at once reply4 ,then3 ,i hate the place1 ,vicar1 she said2 you know ,i do4 ,i don't believe in using it4 ,the whole atmosphere reeks of the devil4 ,last year ,i could hardly bring myself to go inside4 ,perhaps1 possibly--but if we can perhaps draw the people there---- ,yes1 show them the road in1 and maybe they'll go again4 ,we hope not1 said the clergyman meekly1 by the grace of ,god4 ,she shot a swift glance at him4 ,they were outside her own door now1 and the light fell on the kind1 gentle face of the man before her4 ,her sharp face changed a little4 ,i will speak1 ,mr4 ,kestern1 she said1 if you wish it4 ,paul and his father walked on a little in silence4 ,then the elder sighed4 ,it's not easy1 ,paul1 he said1 to combine the ,master's charity and the ,master's zeal4 ,you do1 dad1 cried ,paul1 moved more than a little1 and meant it4 ,but as the days sped by1 ,paul was aware that at every turn he was confronted with a contrast that gradually deepened into something approaching a question4 ,moving with his father cheerily about the parish2 walking the familiar streets with his mother1 so absurdly and yet so lovably proud1 by his side2 stepping again into the round of parochial activities1 yet always now1 as one who had no permanent place among them2 ,paul had constantly to check within himself a certain critical outlook that had never been his before4 ,he criticised1 too1 in more than one direction4 ,there was the incident1 for example1 of the ,christmas decorations at the ,mission ,hall4 ,red ,turkey twill1 as usual1 had he and ,madeline inserted into the panels of the ,commandments and the ,lord's ,prayer behind the little altar1 for a brief while escaping from the domination of their gilt lettering4 ,ivy tendrils1 likewise1 had they set twining here and there across them1 but1 at this orthodox conclusion1 ,paul had slipped back discontented4 ,it still looks bare1 ,madeline1 he said4 ,let's put a big vase of white chrysanthemums on the ledge behind4 ,rather1 she said2 that will improve things4 ,they made it two vases and surveyed the result4 ,madeline shrugged her pretty shoulders4 ,of course ,i'm not high1 she said1 but ,i must say ,i like flowers on the altar--always4 ,and ,paul1 looking at her1 agreed4 ,but he was still his father's son4 ,if you don't call it an altar1 he said1 smiling4 ,madeline smiled back4 ,early ,christmas morning1 however1 his father ordered their removal1 and with them sundry woven paper chains and flowers that ,sergeant ,hodgson1 with great enthusiasm1 had erected with the aid of old ,miller1 after ,mrs4 ,kestern and ,paul had left the night before4 ,the gaily-coloured paper had indeed been incongruous against the natural flowers1 and ,mrs4 ,kestern had exclaimed at it4 ,her husband had been ruthless likewise4 ,but ,paul had criticised their edict4 ,father1 he had said1 with his direct logic1 ought you to take away old ,miller's chains8 ,he thinks them beautiful4 ,they're his offering to our ,saviour4 ,surely ,god looks at the devotion more than at the thing4 ,and you abolish my flowers too4 ,surely there's nothing ,popish in a vase or two of chrysanthemums6 ,mr4 ,kestern had been1 however1 obdurate4 ,we cannot have paper chains1 ,paul1 he said1 not even to please you4 ,i should have thought you1 a budding poet1 would have especially disliked them6 ,and as to flowers behind the ,table1 you know it's not our custom4 ,paul1 as usual1 persisted4 ,of course ,i don't like the paper1 he said1 but that's not the point4 ,and if a custom is good1 why refuse it because ,mohammedans or heathens1 let alone ,catholics1 practice it8 ,don't argue with your father1 my son1 begged ,mrs4 ,kestern1 timidly4 ,she hated argument4 ,besides ,mr4 ,kestern was above criticism4 7#e7 ,that ,christmas night1 there was a last carol singing4 ,dr4 ,barnardo's ,homes had already benefitted heavily as a result of the ,endeavourers' efforts1 and1 truth to tell1 the band of young people went singing that evening under the twinkling1 frosty sky more because they liked each other's company than for charitable reasons4 ,mr4 ,derrick had been outvoted1 and1 true ,christian democrat1 he had given in4 ,they went towards a new1 wealthy suburb of ,claxted1 not far from the edge of the country and ,hursley ,woods1 and they sang here and there with great success4 ,at last1 as1 far off1 the ,town ,hall clock boomed eleven1 ,mr4 ,derrick nervously declared for home4 ,it was cold1 he said1 and he was sure they were all tired4 ,in the deserted street of curtained and mysterious villa windows1 the moon glittering on the frosty road1 the little knot of young people prepared to go their several ways4 ,paul1 wrapped to the ears in his overcoat1 stood by ,edith altogether delightful and attractive in her furs4 ,albert ,vintner was collecting hymn-books4 ,he came up to them and hesitated4 ,may ,i see you home1 ,miss ,thornton8 he asked4 ,it's out of your way1 ,vintner1 said ,paul4 ,i can do it4 ,the young shop-assistant ignored him4 ,it's the last night of the carols1 he said to ,edith4 ,the girl flushed1 ill at ease4 ,paul realised1 suddenly1 that they were at a crisis4 ,for a second or two it seemed to him that the small group about them stood still watching1 that the very stars listened4 ,then he made up his mind and descended into the arena4 ,well1 ,miss ,thornton1 he said easily1 you must choose between us1 it seems4 ,we can hardly both of us see you home4 ,which is it to be8 ,edith turned to the other and held out her hand4 ,i practically promised ,mr4 ,kestern before1 she said4 ,good-night1 ,mr4 ,vintner1 and thank you for asking me4 ,the young fellow took her hand with a muttered good-evening1 and turned away4 ,paul felt reproached4 ,good-night1 ,albert1 he said1 with a ring of friendliness4 ,i'm sorry ,i was before you4 ,another time1 perhaps4 ,vintner moved off after the others1 and ,edith and ,paul walked a little up the road4 ,their turning lay on the right1 but at the corner ,paul hesitated4 ,it will only take a quarter of an hour longer1 he said4 ,let's go home by the field-path to ,coster ,lane4 ,probably your people won't expect you till midnight4 ,she nodded without words1 and the turn to the left hid them in a minute from the least chance of observation by the others4 ,before them the road ran straight ahead in the clear night1 till the villas thinned1 and it became a scarcely-used way1 and finally a half-country footpath by a couple of fields4 ,paul drew her arm through his in silence1 and they fell into step together4 ,they had been singing a carol with a haunting refrain about a night of wonder1 a night of grace4 ,it rang in his head now1 and he could have sung as they walked4 ,every yard deepened a sense of exaltation in him4 ,this serene ,christmas night1 he and ,edith alone in it1 the world wide and wonderful--oh1 it was good to live4 ,the paved footpath became a gravelled walk1 and the walk1 a mere track4 ,they were on the far edge of the town4 ,across the stubble1 a line of not yet doomed elms stretched delicate bare twigs clear in the moonlight1 and the stars swung emmeshed in their net4 ,a half-built house flung a deep shadow across their path1 and ,paul stopped without warning on its verge4 ,he had realised suddenly that his companion was very silent and he wanted to see her4 ,a little swing of his arm brought the girl face to face with him1 and he looked down into her eyes4 ,so he looked a minute1 and then very slowly he bent his head1 and1 still with his eyes on hers1 their lips met4 ,at that soft1 warm1 fragrant1 unaccustomed touch1 his heart leapt and great waves of emotion surged and tore within him4 ,oh6 cried ,edith1 and fell back from him4 ,the two stood quite still4 ,paul swallowed once or twice before he could speak4 ,then3 ,edith1 he whispered foolishly1 and again3 ,edith4 ,oh1 ,paul6 she cried1 ,paul6 ,paul6 444 ,oh1 ,i never meant to let you do it6 ,her words recalled the boy to his senses4 ,he took her two hands1 and she did not stay him4 ,edith1 he said exultantly1 you're mine1 now1 mine6 ,christmas night1 too6 ,oh1 it's wonderful1 just wonderful6 ,no1 no1 no6 she cried1 almost fiercely4 ,no8 he queried1 bewildered4 ,what do you mean8 ,you let me kiss you4 ,you love me1 ,edith1 don't you8 ,you must6 ,you couldn't have kissed me like that if you hadn't loved me6 ,don't1 don't1 ,paul6 she cried again1 and bent her head1 trying to release her hands4 ,something that was almost anger surged up in him4 ,he drew her to him4 ,what do you mean1 ,edith8 he demanded4 ,i love you1 do you hear8 ,i see now1 ,i have been loving you for a long time4 ,i love you with all my heart4 ,don't you love me8 ,at that new note in his voice1 she faced him bravely4 ,paul1 dear1 she said1 listen4 ,i do love you1 ,god knows ,i do1 but--but--well1 your people would hate it if they knew4 7,paul made an angry movement1 but she checked him47 ,no1 listen4 ,they would say you're too young2 that you ought not to think of such things now2 that--that---- ,oh1 you know4 ,don't make it hard for me4 ,your mother would hate you to marry a girl like me4 ,paul stared into her sad young face in silence for a moment1 but his heart sank4 ,then3 ,mother hardly knows you1 he said miserably4 ,but she knows my mother1 said the girl1 simply4 ,paul knew exactly what she meant4 ,vividly1 he saw it all4 ,his gift of keen imagination aided him4 ,he saw his mother's surprised1 pained1 worried look2 his father's perplexity4 ,but he pushed it from him4 ,look here1 he began4 ,one minute1 ,paul1 dear4 ,oh1 ,paul1 do listen to me6 ,i know what you're going to say1 and ,i love you for it4 ,perhaps1 one day1 ,i'll let you say it4 ,after all1 in the end1 that will be for us to decide4 ,but still ,i ought not to have kissed you4 ,no1 really ,i ought not4 ,you've got your work to do4 ,you don't know what ,god will call you to4 ,you're so wonderful1 ,paul1 dear--you with all your power of speaking and writing and learning4 ,you don't know how wonderful you are to me1 ,paul4 ,i don't see why you like me a bit4 ,but ,i won't stand in your way4 ,you must go on1 and find out what ,god wants you to do1 and go and do it4 ,and then1 then1 perhaps--later on---- ,oh1 ,paul1 say something6 ,i--,i can't say--any more4 ,the tears stood in her eyes4 ,her voice choked4 ,he drew her to him and put one arm round her4 ,she made a little movement to resist1 but in doing so1 shot a glance at him and at what she saw let him have his way4 ,then1 in the luminous winter dark1 he peered down at her1 and took her hand1 and studied the oval of her face1 and her little ears1 and the stray hair that escaped from her fur cap4 ,love at any rate has this in common with true religion1 that it awes a man4 ,i can't tell you all ,i feel1 he declared at last1 speaking very slowly4 ,edith1 ,i don't know you yet4 ,you're very1 very wonderful1 little girl4 ,and you're such heaps bigger than ,i--that's what ,i see most clearly4 ,edith1 will you at least let me see you and talk to you8 ,i'm beginning to be worried1 and ,i believe you're just the person ,i've been wanting to talk to about it all4 ,will you let me8 ,and will you tell me just what you think8 ,shall we have it as a secret between us1 that you help me like that8 ,oh1 ,paul6 ,could ,i8 ,may ,i8 ,it's will you1 he said1 smiling4 ,you know ,i will4 ,i think there's nothing ,i wouldn't do for you1 ,paul1 she said4 ,he kissed her again1 then1 gently1 and she suffered him4 ,they made an odd couple as they walked home together4 ,for a reason he could not have explained1 ,paul saw so many things clearly--or thought he saw--that ,christmas night under the stars4 ,he put into words the growing criticism he was feeling of his father's traditional outlook on life and religion4 ,explaining things to her1 they became clearer to himself4 ,he set before her1 one by one1 the straws that had been blowing past him on the wind4 ,and he had chosen well1 for ,edith ,thornton understood4 ,i don't see why evangelicalism should be all pitch-pine and ,moody and ,sankey1 he grumbled4 ,i don't see why things good in themselves should be wrong simply because even ,roman ,catholics do them4 ,i don't love our ,lord less because ,i rather like to see chrysanthemums behind the ,holy ,table4 ,do you love ,him more if they are there8 she asked4 ,no1 of course not4 ,at least--no2 ,i will say no4 ,not that1 at all4 ,but the beauty of things reflects ,him somehow4 ,it's easier to worship in an atmosphere of beauty1 ,edith4 ,or it is for me4 ,and surely that can't be wrong6 ,but suppose ,he comes to us with ,his face so scarred that there is no beauty that we should desire ,him8 ,paul frowned a little4 ,that's not exactly what ,i mean1 he said4 ,there's no point in our making things ugly4 ,no4 ,but--oh1 ,i hardly like to say it to you6--but don't you think1 somehow1 one rather forgets about all that1 seeing ,him8 ,in silence they reached the bottom of her street1 and stood a moment4 ,edith1 he exclaimed impulsively1 you're heaps better than ,i4 ,pray for me1 darling1 won't you8 ,oh1 ,paul1 of course4 ,and you mustn't say that4 ,i shall4 ,it's true4444 ,edith1 when shall ,i see you again8 7#f7 ,the days sped by4 ,they made a curious kaleidoscope as each morning gave a new twist to life4 ,paul read most mornings2 spent an afternoon and evening or two in town with ,strether who lived in ,south ,kensington2 and mostly took his share in parochial gaieties and more serious business for the rest of the time4 ,he did not find it in the least dull4 ,he could still sit in a clothes' basket slung on a stout pole between two chairs1 and dust four others precariously with the aid of a big stick1 amid the tumultuous laughter of a ,mothers' ,meeting ,tea4 ,or he decorated the ,infants' ,christmas ,tree1 distributed sweets at the ,sunday ,school ,treat1 boxed with boys at the ,lads' ,brigade1 conducted a prayer meeting at the ,christian ,endeavour1 called for ,madeline on ,sunday mornings and took her in to supper at sundry parties4 ,except at the latter1 he met ,edith frequently and revelled in the understanding there was between them4 ,moreover there was hardly the suspicion of any rift between him and his father4 ,yet1 once or twice1 both ,paul and ,mr4 ,kestern were aware that things were not wholly unchanged4 ,and possibly the last night of the old year offers the best example4 ,the ,vicar had taken the ,mission ,hall ,watch ,night ,service1 and his son had gone into the vestry to seek him when it was over4 ,he had entered without knocking as he was used to do1 and found his father facing a stained1 unshaven1 ragged tramp in the little wood and iron room1 with its incandescent light1 photographs of previous vicars1 shelf of hymn and prayer books1 and illuminated texts4 ,he apologised1 and made to go out4 ,come in1 ,paul1 said his father4 ,our brother here is seeking the ,lord while ,he may be found and you can help us both4 ,sit down a minute1 will you4 ,paul watched1 while his father endeavoured to penetrate the other's bewildered intelligence4 ,the boy saw at once that the fellow was maudlin with drink1 but he did not estimate the extent to which ,a few more years shall roll1 and the hot air of the crowded hall1 were also entering into the process of conversion4 ,my brother1 said his father again1 earnestly1 it has all been done for you4 ,you have only to accept4 ,don't take my word for it2 let us see what ,god says4 ,listen4 7,he turned the pages of his ,bible impressively as though he did not know the texts by heart2 but he was wholly unconscious of posing47 ',though your sins be as scarlet1 they shall be as white as wool4444 ,him that cometh to ,me ,i will in no wise cast out4444 ,the ,lord hath laid on ,him the iniquity of us all4' ,and what then8 ,the ,apostle sums it up3 ',therefore1 being justified by faith1 we ,,have ,,peace with ,god1 through our ,lord ,jesus ,christ4' ,that is all4 ,claim ,god's free1 perfect salvation1 and you ,,have ,,peace with ,god4 ,aye1 aye1 mister1 but ,i bain't be no scholard4 ,i've not bin so bad as some blokes ,i knows on4 ,a glass o' beer now and agin1 ,gawd ,almighty ',e carn't send a bloke to 'ell for that4 ,can ',e now1 mister8 ,i want ter be saved1 that's wot hi want4 ,ter be saved4 ,an' ,gawd's truth1 ,i don't know wot'll do fur a doss ternight1 ,gawd's struth1 mister4444 ,let us pray1 said the clergyman suddenly4 ,the tears stood in ,paul's eyes1 as1 his face hidden in his hands against the rough wooden bars of his chair1 he heard his father wrestle with his ,god for the man's soul4 ,he never heard his father pray thus without seeing a mental picture from an old ,bible of his childhood1 wherein ,jacob1 an ill-drawn figure in a white robe girt up about his waist1 twisted back with his shrunken sinew from an angel with an odd distorted face like the one that a crack in the ceiling made with the wall in the candle-light above his bed4 ,even now1 he saw it again4 ,lord1 we will not let ,thee go except ,thou bless us4 ,have mercy upon this poor storm-tossed soul4 ,give him joy and peace in believing4 ,let there be joy in the presence of the angels of ,god this night over one sinner returning4 ,out in the sharp air1 he took his father's arm4 ,daddy1 he was half-drunk4 ,do you think he understood8 ,nothing is impossible with ,god1 ,paul1 always remember that4 ,if the ,master could save the dying thief1 ,he can save him4 ,a dozen silent paces1 and then3 ,but1 father1 suppose he were run over and killed on his way to the lodging house1 this night1 as he is1 do you think he would go straight to heaven8 ,yes1 ,paul1 ,i do--by the infinite grace of ,god4 ,drunk as he was1 ,i believe he knew what he said when he repeated3 ',just as ,i am--,i come1' after me4 ,but--but---- ,paul found it hard to put his new thought into words4 ,well1 ,paul1 laddie1 out with it4 ,well1 dad1 ,i don't see how that could have made him fit for heaven4 ,his father's hand tightened on his arm4 ,nor ,i1 ,paul1 nor any man4 ,but do you suppose that ,god will go back on ,his pledged and written ,word8 ,and then1 just then1 a memory had shot through ,paul's mind4 ,which of the ten score different versions8 ,manning had queried again1 coolly4 ,,chapter ,,iv ,,father ,,vassall ,god1 if there be any ,god1 speaks daily in a new language1 by the tongues of men2 the thoughts and habits of each fresh generation and each new-coined spirit throw another light upon the universe1 and contain another commentary on the printed ,bibles2 every scruple1 every true dissent1 every glimpse of something new1 is a letter of ,god's alphabet2 and though there is a grave responsibility for all who speak1 is there none for those who unrighteously keep silence and conform8 ,is not that also to conceal and cloak ,god's counsel8--,,robert ,,louis ,,stevenson3 ,lay ,morals4 7#a7 ,mr4 ,tressor had not yet returned from lecturing1 the man said in response to ,paul's knock1 but he had left word that he would not be more than a few minutes late4 ,would ,mr4 ,kestern come in8 ,mr4 ,manning was also coming to luncheon4 ,as the door of the don's keeping-room closed behind him1 ,paul looked round eagerly4 ,he walked over to the fireplace and stood on the rug1 with his back to the fire as if he owned the place4 ,his eyes roved round the remembered room4 ,there were the bookshelves1 with the hid electric lights at the top of them as he knew1 in which1 during just such a moment of waiting1 he had once looked for ,mr4 ,tressor's own works and found none4 ,there were the few odd vivid little pictures--the amateur photograph of ,tressor himself with a leaping pack of dogs1 the cartoon from ,vanity ,fair1 the water-colour of the old house in the ,weald1 ,loggan's print of the ,college1 an impression of the gorge at ,ronda1 and a pencil sketch of the ,chelsea ,embankment4 ,there were the few big comfortable chairs2 the little table with its fat cigarette-box1 a new book or two1 the ivory paper-cutter2 the tall firescreen1 not used now1 of faded tapestry2 the window-seat4 ,he glanced through the high wide windows4 ,the bare trees of the ,fellows' garden were wet and dismal in a ,january mist1 but seen so1 ,paul had an odd feeling that they were quiet and dignified4 ,in short1 it was the old room1 with its air of serene1 silent waiting1 in which the boy had already seen visions and dreamed dreams4 ,mr4 ,tressor came in1 big1 slow1 kindly4 ,he shook hands with ,paul1 smiling upon him4 ,well1 glad to be up again8 ,been writing more verses in the ,vac41 eh8 ,paul shook his head4 ,i could not write at home1 somehow1 he said4 ,why not8 ,i don't know4 ,i was too busy1 perhaps1 for one thing4 ,reading8 ,no1 not much4 7,paul hesitated4 ,then he spoke out47 ,you see there's no end to do in a parish1 ,christmas-time4 ,the other nodded with a comprehension at which ,paul wondered slightly4 ,i know4 ,school treats1 socials and prayer meetings4 ,i admire the people who do them enormously4 ,i suppose you had your full share8 ,yes1 said ,paul1 and was silent1 remembering ,edith4 ,it was odd--,tressor and ,edith4 ,and he liked both4 ,manning was announced4 ,manning entered easily1 nodded to ,tressor1 apologised for being late1 and greeted ,paul4 ,hullo1 ,paul1 he said1 had a good ,vac48 ,we were just talking of his manifold activities1 said ,tressor1 but ,i expect luncheon is ready4 ,let's go in4 ,paul felt a little out of it during the meal4 ,the others talked so easily of places1 people and things which were foreign to him4 ,personalities were mentioned of whom you never heard at ,claxted4 ,he felt an absurd desire to retaliate in kind and tell of a restaurant lunch with ,gipsy ,smith after a big meeting in ,westminster ,chapel and of veteran ,mr4 ,henry ,hutchinson's visit to his father4 ,but quite possibly neither ,tressor nor ,manning had ever heard of the ,world's ,conference of ,christian ,endeavour or of the ,children's ,special ,service ,mission4 ,also1 though he knew what to do at table of course1 he was rather on his guard4 ,he was self-conscious when he had to help himself from the dishes with which the man served him4 ,at home1 helpings were handed to you4 ,they went back to the study for coffee1 and it was then that ,manning remarked disconnectedly to the don3 ,i hear ,father ,vassall is coming into residence at the ,catholic ,church this term4 ,yes4 ,he's a great preacher in his way4 ,have you heard him8 ,no1 but ,i shall go4 ,catholicism interests me4 ,there's so much more to be said for it than for any other form of religion it seems to me1--and just as much to be said against it4 ,tressor laughed1 and looked across at ,paul4 ,what do you say to that1 ,kestern8 he asked4 ,paul glanced from one to the other1 and flushed slightly4 ,there seems to me nothing in the world to be said for it1 he said bravely4 ,there you are1 ,manning1 laughed ,tressor kindly4 ,and ,i must say ,i agree with ,kestern in the main4 ,manning crossed his legs1 and lit a cigarette4 ,do you8 he said1 in his cool1 attentive1 but cynical way4 ,i suppose you would4 ,but ,i shall divide my foes1 after the ,apostolic manner4 ,you do not believe in dogma2 ,paul does4 ,surely---- began ,paul1 and stopped1 wishing he had not begun4 ,well8 queried ,tressor4 ,paul took the plunge4 ,well1 you believe in our ,lord1 sir1 don't you8 ,and surely the ,atonement and the ,resurrection stand for dogmas4 ,manning and ,tressor exchanged a glance4 ,manning laughed4 ',now the ,sadducees say there is no resurrection1' he quoted4 ,paul looked bewildered2 the elder don a little grave4 ,i expect we do not both interpret the story in quite the same way1 ,kestern1 he said4 ,but1 sir1 said ,paul earnestly1 what two ways can there be8 ,the whole of ,christianity is based on our ,lord's ,resurrection4 ',if ,christ be not raised1 your faith is vain4' ,manning settled himself into his chair4 ,do go on1 he said4 ,theology interests me enormously4 ,i told you1 ,tressor1 that ,paul here would convert you if he could4 ,the boy felt uneasy4 ,he did not want to argue and could not bring himself to speak to the don as ,manning did1 though he was well aware that ,tressor would not in the least have resented it4 ,but he felt he must say something1 and his evangelical upbringing taught him what to say4 ,surely the ,bible story is simple enough1 he said4 ,tressor moved1 for him1 a trifle impatiently4 ,you think so1 do you8 he said4 ,oh1 yes1 said ,paul1 much more sure of his ground now4 ,i confess ,i do not4 ,what of the discrepancies in the story8 ,what of the late additions to the text8 ,and what1 still more1 of the atmosphere in which it was written8 ,but ,i grant you1 in a different sense1 that the ,bible picture is simple enough4 ,jesus is to me a simple1 brave1 kindly man whose gospel has never been transcended and whose spirit will never die4 ,if you allow for ,eastern imagination and ,catholic reductions1 it is indeed simple enough4 ,paul heard bewildered4 ,he knew1 of course1 that ,higher ,critics existed1 a strange1 disloyal1 un-,christian few1 mostly to be found in ,germany--and left there by sensible people4 ,it ought1 perhaps1 to be explained that he had taken a scholarship in history and was reading for that ,tripos4 ,at ,claxted1 a theological degree seemed unnecessary4 ,the ,gospel was so simple that the ,bishop's examination1 to be taken in due course1 was training all sufficient for a ,christian minister4 ,gipsy ,smith1 for example1 knew little theology4 ,but1 he stammered1 our ,lord was ,god4 ,he died to save us4 ,if ,he had not been ,god1 what power could there have been in the ,cross8 ,what merit in ,his ,blood8 ,a little silence fell on them all4 ,tressor1 after his fashion1 was smoking cigarettes in hasty puffs1 extinguishing one after another in his ash-tray half burned4 ,manning stared thoughtfully and a little cynically into the fire4 ,paul's questions hung in the air1 and his listeners' silence answered them4 ,i wonder how long you will believe all that1 queried ,tressor gravely4 ,all my life1 answered ,paul resolutely1 his embarrassment gone4 ,i hope to spend it preaching the ,gospel4 ,it seems to me there is nothing else worth doing4 ,what good is there in--7he nearly said all this1 but checked himself in time7--in learning1 comfort1 art1 music1 anything1 except as aids to this8 ,what else matters besides this8 ,sir1 surely you see that6 ,it was odd that the don should echo ,maud ,thornton1 but he did4 ,you would make us all foreign missionaries1 ,i suppose1 he said4 ,only for a moment did ,paul hesitate4 ,then3 ,yes1 he said simply1 ,i suppose ,i would4 ,not all are called to the same sort of work1 of course1 but it should be all to that end4 ,again his listeners exchanged glances1 but this time they could afford to smile4 ,i fear ,i should make a poor missionary1 said ,tressor4 ,paul looked at him1 distressed4 ,he had not meant to bring the conversation to such a head1 but what else could he have said8 ,the don saw his uneasiness1 and rose1 smiling4 ,well1 ,kestern1 he said1 don't think ,i mind in the least your saying what you think4 ,besides you are flattering2 ,i confess no one yet even thought he saw a potential missionary in me4 ,but however tight you sit to your dogmas1 ,i should give ear to the other side also1 if ,i were you4 ,after all1 you are up here for that1 aren't you8 ,and now ,i'm walking with the ,master this afternoon1 and ,i fear ,i've got to go4 ,come again sometime4 ,look in any evening4 ,if ,i'm busy1 ,i'll say so4 ,and bring me some more verses4 ,good-bye4 ,paul1 on his feet1 ventured however one more direct question4 ,good-bye1 sir1 he said1 but it worries me4 ,do tell me one thing4 ,do you honestly mean that1 as you read your ,bible1 you do not think ,christ dogmatic8 ,honestly1 ,i do not1 said ,tressor1 and nodded kindly4 ,good-bye1 he said again4 7#b7 ,it was ,manning who enlightened ,paul on the other's attitude1 however1 much later in the term4 ,spring had made an unexpectedly early appearance1 and they took a ,canader to paddle up the ,backs4 ,the sunlight lay soft and lovely on the mellow walls1 the slow-moving black river1 the willows just breaking into new green1 and the trim lawns4 ,paul as yet1 however1 had not begun to attempt to find refuge in beauty and to rest his soul upon it4 ,he even surveyed the ,spring flowers on the banks of ,trinity ,fellows' garden with dissatisfaction4 ,tressor's kindly but obviously unmoved criticism of a rapture of his read to him the night before on the parallel of natural and supernatural resurrection1 had occasioned more immediately his present attitude4 ,i don't understand it at all1 he remarked to ,manning1 digging his paddle ferociously into the water and forcing his companion to lean hard on his in the stern to escape striking the centre arch of ,trinity ,bridge4 ,well1 let us avoid a collision anyway1 said ,manning good-humouredly4 ,but look here1 ,paul1 ,tressor's position is simple enough4 ,you read the ,bible as if it were yesterday's ,times2 he doesn't4 ,he considers1 first1 the difficulty of choosing between the variations in the many texts2 then the difficulty of getting back behind fifth-century manuscripts to the original2 then the difficulty of knowing how much the original owes to the unscientific mind and ,eastern imagination of the writer4 ,heavens6 ,you read history6 ,do you not do the same thing with ,bede and the ,anglo-,saxon ,chronicle and all the rest of the musty stuff8 ,well1 then1 in his mind the ,christ shrinks to shadowy proportions4 ,he remains possibly the most interesting and arresting figure in history1 but that is all4 ,you see1 resurrection or no1 all those events are nineteen hundred years behind us4 ,paul leant back in his canoe and forgot to paddle4 ,oh1 he said at last1 ,i see4 ,the other looked at him curiously4 ,you're an odd fish1 ,paul1 he said4 ,what do you see8 ,i see the difference between ,tressor's ,christianity and--and my father's4 ,which is8 ,tressor reads about ,christ1 but my father knows ,him4 ,he is more real to my father1 ,manning1 than ,i am4 ,the curious look died out of ,manning's face1 but an affectionate ring crept into his voice4 ,lord1 ,paul1 you're a rum ass1 you know1 he said1 but you are rather an interesting one4 ,paul was due at ,dick ,hartley's for tea1 and as soon as they had landed1 he rushed round to his friend4 ,it was odd1 he thought as he went1 how one suddenly saw things1 by some curious indefinable process1 which one had known1 one thought1 for years4 ,after all1 he had preached on the ,blind ,beggar in ,st4 ,john's ,gospel a score of times one way and another1 yet he had never really understood it until this afternoon4 ,he had known ,christ ever since he could well remember1 but somehow it was the ,christ of the printed page that he had known4 ,alive to-day1 yes1 but not alive in such a way that ,his living actually solved intellectual doubts4 ,to ,paul1 the ,cambridge streets had suddenly become the streets of a ,new ,jerusalem4 ,from old gables to modern shop-fronts1 they had all at once become intimate and tender4 ,he thought1 even as he ran1 that just as he had come to dwell tenderly on a mental image of ,edward ,street because ,edith lived1 moved1 and had association there1 so now the whole world was transfigured before him4 ,christ moved in it1 and he knew ,christ4 ,he rattled up the wooden stairs to his friend's room and burst in almost without knocking4 ,dick was reading in an arm-chair and a kettle hissed on the hob4 ,he looked up from his book4 ,heavens6 ,what's the matter8 he asked1 smiling4 ,paul slowed down1 shut the door1 and came over to the fire1 his face shining4 ,i say1 ,dick1 he said1 do you realise what it means that we know ,christ8 ,the older man stared1 as well he might have done4 ,then a rather envious expression crept into his face4 ,wistfulness was scarcely what one thought of in connection with matter-of-fact1 athletic1 sober-minded ,dick ,hartley1 but it was there at that moment4 ,ah1 he said shortly1 and was silent4 ,of course ,i thought ,i did1 poured out ,paul excitedly1 walking up and down1 but ,i begin to think ,i never have till this afternoon4 ,i see1 now1 what's the matter with ,tressor and ,manning and all the rest of them4 ,they think ,christ is a story out of a book1 ,dick4 ,even ,i 7all innocent of self-righteous priggishness was ,paul71 even ,i thought of ,him only as emotionally alive1 so to speak4 ,but ,he lives1 ,dick1 ,he lives6 ,we know ,him6 ,we aren't worried by criticism or any of their intellectual doubts1 because we know ,him4 ,don't you see8 ,dick closed ,harnack's ,acts of the ,apostles and put it on one side4 ,you have a great gift of faith1 ,paul1 he said4 ,faith6 ,it isn't faith6 ,it's sight1 ,i tell you4 ,why1 man1 look here1 if ,manning were to come gravely to my room to-night and argue that you were a myth1 what the blazes do you think ,i should say8 ,i should laugh in his face6 ',why1 ,i had tea with him this afternoon1' ,i should say6 ,and it's the same with ,jesus4 ,dick--the eager voice hushed a little--we're having tea with ,him this afternoon4 ,hartley did not laugh4 ,he half glanced round4 ,can one act on that altogether8 he queried4 ,paul flung out his hand with an eager gesture4 ,why not8 he cried4 ,one should act on it absolutely ,i think4 ,hartley spoke slowly4 ,well1 but would ,christ stay here1 read ,harnack1 take in a newspaper 7his eyes roved the room71 row1 get new window-curtains1 and--and fall in love8 ,his gaze rested on a portrait on the mantelpiece4 ,paul's hand fell to his side4 ,he1 too1 glanced round the simple1 commonplace1 in the opinion of most people severely plain room4 ,then he dropped into a chair4 ,you must ask ,him1 he said slowly4 ,suppose ,i have8 ,then you must do what ,he says4 ,dick was altogether more slow1 more solid1 than ,paul4 ,he began to make tea4 ,it's odd1 he said1 busy over the cups1 but ,i'm not sure that ,i know4 ,ah1 said ,paul1 still triumphant and impetuous1 ,i asked you if you really knew ,him1 ,dick4 7#c7 ,in ,hursley ,woods that vacation1 ,paul explained it all to ,edith4 ,they were seated side by side on a fallen log1 and all around them the fresh blue of the wild hyacinths was unstained as ,paradise4 ,they lit the dull day with a radiance of their own4 ,brown and green and grey blent about them and faded into distance1 and he held her hand4 ,the two had just kissed with a solemn virginal innocence4 ,they were glad1 but not gay4 ,francis of ,assisi would have wondered at them1 had he been there4 ,as it was one of his brethren1 a big blackbird with a bright enquiring eye1 emphatically did so4 ,it probably struck him that these restrained humans were out of place in such a vivid1 tingling1 riotous life as that of a wood in spring4 ,he hopped off to look for a worm4 ,paul renewed the conversation that the kissing had interrupted4 ,you see1 ,edith1 dear1 he said1 it's so illogical to believe one thing and act another4 ,what are the realities of life8 ,god1 and a lost world1 and ,christ our ,saviour4 ,what does anything matter beside them8 ,both ,dick and ,i feel that everything--everything--ought to be surrendered to ,him4 ,even things good in themselves must go down before the awful necessity of preaching the ,gospel4 ,mind you1 ,i don't speak of learning quite as ,i did4 ,i see1 for example1 that if ,i get a first in my ,history1 it will be of use in the ,church4 ,but all the rest--do you see8 ,she nodded slowly4 ,yes1 in a way1 she said4 ,look here--he jumped up eagerly--,i'll give you an illustration4 ,it's a silly one1 in a way1 but it's all the better for that4 ,it's the commonplace things people won't see4 ,in my rooms1 last term1 ,donaldson and ,strether and ,i--oh1 and a man called ,hannam--were discussing dress4 ,donaldson was saying that there was no reason why a ,christian shouldn't wear decent socks--clocked1 gay things like his own4 ,there was nothing wrong in them1 he said4 ,i agreed1 but ,i couldn't help it2 ,i said3 ',would ,christ have worn them8 ,would ,he have spent an extra shilling on a yellow stripe in ,his socks when that shilling would send a ,testament to ,china8' ,would ,he8 ,what do you think8 ,he would not1 she said4 ,exactly4 ,in his triumph1 ,paul sobered and sat down4 ,there's no escape1 he said4 ,edith leant forward and prodded the soft earth with a stick4 ,then you'd wear the oldest clothes and live on just anything and have no home and go about preaching1 she said4 ,exactly1 said ,paul again4 ,but what would happen to the world if everyone did that8 queried ,edith4 ,that is not our concern1 said ,paul gravely4 ,i do not know and ,i do not care4 ,but this ,i do know1 if ,christians started in to do that1 they'd--they'd--well1 they'd turn the world upside down4 ,which is exactly what the world said ,paul and ,barnabas were doing4 ,and so it stoned them4 ,so it stoned them4 ,you're quite right4 ,it was the ,apostles' lives or their own4 ,heathen ,rome saw the issue admirably4 ,heathen ,england doesn't4 ,why not8 ,because ,christians are no longer ,apostolic4 ,the girl turned wide eyes on him4 ,but oh6 ,paul1 she cried1 think what that means6 ,it would mean giving up everything2 it would mean death6 ',i can do all things through ,christ that strengtheneth me'1 quoted ,paul gravely4 ,the girl looked away4 ,the heart of the rich woods grew dim before her4 ,she fumbled for her handkerchief4 ,very tenderly the boy put his arm about her4 ,edith1 darling1 he said1 don't think ,i don't love you4 ,i don't think ,i've ever loved you more than ,i do now4 ,but if ,christ told us to put our love aside1--for a while1 down here perhaps1--could we refuse ,him8 ,all the woman in her revolted4 ,i don't know6 she sobbed4 ,i don't mind giving up everything else4 ,but ,i could help you4 ,paul's own eyes clouded4 ,dear1 darling ,edith1 he said1 ,i know you could4 ,and you would help too4 ,i expect you will4 ,oh1 ,i hope so--you don't know how much6 ,but we ought to face the full bitterness of the ,cross1 and then1 if ,god makes it possible1 take what ,he gives us very gratefully4 ,surely you see that8 ,the girl dabbed at her eyes and rolled her handkerchief into a hard ball4 ,then she looked up at him with a wintry smile4 ,i shouldn't love you so much if you weren't so awfully right always1 ,paul1 she said4 7#d7 ,in his new eagerness1 ,paul sprang a mine on his father4 ,he went up to town to meet ,strether who had taken a couple of tickets for a matine of ,peter ,pan1 with which play his friend's curious personality was violently intrigued4 ,the artist in ,paul revelled in the fairy tale1 and deep called to deep before the boy who would not grow up4 ,but his passionate creed would not let him alone4 ,it's all very well1 ,gus ,strether1 he said1 arm in arm in ,regent ,street1 but do you think a girl ought to dress up like that in boy's clothes8 ,and what good does it do8 ,it's like sitting down to play a round game while the house is on fire6 ,strether grunted4 ,he was between the devil and the deep sea4 ,he loved ,peter ,pan with a deep love that was all the fonder for being buried so deep in his queer hidden self1 but he hated ,pauline ,chase--at least on the picture postcards4 ,that1 then1 he passed over4 ,but the other he would not pass4 ,you row1 and eat chocolate biscuits in my rooms while the house is on fire1 he retorted4 ,only while waiting to get to work1 persisted ,paul4 ,might be at a prayer meeting1 growled the other4 ,paul assented sadly4 ,i admit that's logical1 he said4 ,strether lengthened his ungainly stride4 ,balderdash1 he muttered4 ,if you tried to live at prayer meetings1 you'd soon cease to live at all4 ,go and see ,peter ,pan while you're waiting to get to work4 ,it's a bad example4 ,people wouldn't understand4 ,but it's awfully jolly4 ,thought you'd got a bloomin' text up in your rooms to make 'em understand4 ,paul stopped in the middle of ,regent ,street4 ,i've got it1 he cried excitedly4 ,i'll put a cross up as well--a big1 plain1 empty cross over my writing-table4 ,thought that was ,popish4 ,i don't care if it's ,popish or not4 ,it's a symbol of ,christ4 ,the shadow of it ought to lie everywhere and touch everything4 ,come on1 let's go and get one now4 ,mowbray's have them4 ,come on4 ,there's time before tea4 ,the odd pair explored the premises of the ,margaret ,street shop4 ,secretly1 ,paul was moved by the beauty of the crucifixes1 though his soul was stirred by a host of ,madonnas which should have been painted1 he said1 quoting a ,protestant tract1 as if the ,virgin were a woman of fifty1 and were not4 ,strether lurched around1 grunting to himself4 ,he was curious over most things4 ,paul bought a big plain cross for his rooms1 and1 on second thoughts1 a small silver one for his watchchain4 ,thought you ought to give all your money to the ,chinese1 said ,strether4 ,paul laughed4 ,old ass1 he said2 this is missionary work4 ,miss ,bishop happened to be at his home as he unrolled his parcel4 ,she was caustic and cynical4 ,my experience is that if you wear the cross on your watch-chain1 you soon cease to bear it in your heart1 she said4 ,paul retorted hotly4 ,why8 he demanded4 ,it's that kind of saying that we have got to disprove4 ,christ is real to me4 ,i want to feel ,him at every turn4 ,i want to give up all my life to the ,cross4 ,this is only the sign of it1 ,i know1 but why should you argue that my wearing of the sign will make the thing itself unreal to me1 just because some people wear it and have forgotten its meaning8 ,but is it necessary1 ,paul8 queried his mother gently4 ,you don't understand1 mother1 said ,paul4 ,is it necessary to put up your portrait in my rooms at ,cambridge8 ,can't ,i remember you without8 ,his mother sighed2 that was so like ,paul4 ,his father looked troubled4 ,it's the thin end of the wedge1 laddie1 he said1 so often4 ,we don't1 of course1 object to the thing itself2 it's only that we hate the religion that has destroyed the truth of ,christ while it has decked itself out with crosses4 ,isn't the ,saviour without the symbol enough for you1 my boy8 ,the old devil is so cunning1 ,paul1 lad4 ,and the cocksure folk are the people he gets first1 added ,miss ,bishop4 ,then1 said ,paul shrewdly1 you ought to look out1 ,miss ,bishop4 ,paul1 said his father sternly1 you forget yourself4 7#e7 ,yet one might almost have supposed that ,miss ,bishop had indeed stirred the devil into action4 ,she would have said that he was positively waiting for cocksure ,paul that very first afternoon of the ,may term4 ,his emissary was a youthful-looking man1 rather small1 light and quick in movement1 fair of complexion1 with alert1 keen1 grey-blue eyes that perpetually brimmed over with humour1 although the home of it was low down in them1 out of sight4 ,he was decorously dressed in black1 but with a rather shabby buttoned frock-coat1 for he was careless of appearances1 and when he spoke at first to strangers1 or if he were unusually moved1 there was often a little stammer in his voice4 ,he was1 in short1 the ,rev4 ,father ,vassall1 a ,popish priest4 ,paul found him in ,hannam's rooms1 ,hannam being the new acquaintance of the previous term4 ,he kept in the rooms below ,paul1 who did not care for him particularly1 and had1 indeed1 done no more than call the first term4 ,but ,hannam was a lonely individual1 of somewhat eccentric tastes1 one of which was for verse4 ,he1 therefore1 admired ,paul and ,paul's writings1 and latterly the two had seen more of each other4 ,paul knew1 that he was a ,catholic1 but as one did not exactly associate religion of any sort with ,hannam1 who1 nevertheless1 was tolerant of ,paul's ardent faith1 this fact had not obtruded as one might have expected4 ,thus1 then1 it chanced that ,kestern arrived at ,st4 ,mary's a day before ,manning1 and by an earlier train than that of any of his more intimate friends4 ,he was chaffing old ,tom about four of the clock in the ,first ,court1 and on his way to his rooms knocked by an impulse at ,hannam's door4 ,hallo1 ,kestern1 cried ,hannam joyfully as he entered1 glad you're up early4 ,want some tea8 ,do come in4 ,let me introduce you--,father ,vassall1 ,mr4 ,kestern of this college4 ,paul found himself shaking hands with the ,popish priest4 ,he did it nervously1 but with obvious interest4 ,odd as it may seem1 ,popish priests were as rare and as strange to ,paul as ,buddhist monks4 ,the stranger seemed to appreciate the fact4 ,his eyes twinkled4 ,h-,h-,hannam has t-told me a little about you1 ,mr4 ,k-,kestern1 he said4 ,paul laughed engagingly1 and much more pleasantly than one ought to do with the devil4 ,but then there was an air about this priest that was amazingly boyish1 eager and attractive4 ,you felt at once1 as it were1 his radiant personality4 ,besides there were no hypocrisies about ,father ,vassall1 and he always came straight to the point4 ,his tone suggested to ,paul what he meant4 ,that ,i am a fierce ,protestant1 ,i suppose you mean1 smiled ,paul4 ,and a p-p-poet1 stammered the little priest1 which is very much nicer1 ,mr4 ,kestern4 ,you two ought to have a lot in common1 put in ,hannam with lazy interest4 ,father ,vassall was once a ,protestant1 ,kestern1 and he is still a poet4 ,much b-better ,p-,p-,protestant than p-p-poet1 exploded the accused merrily4 ,they drew round the fire with their tea4 ,conversation ranged over their doings in the vacation and the prospects of the term1 and ,paul learned that ,father ,vassall had been a wet ,bob at ,eton and cox of his college crew at the ,university4 ,absurdly enough1 he had never associated such healthy doings with ,papistry4 ,but ,father ,vassall had been a ,protestant then4 ,this amazing fact held ,paul's mind4 ,it staggered him to think that ,protestants could ever become ,catholics4 ,he looked on the priest with amazement and real sorrow4 ,for one thing he could never have known ,christ4444 ,hannam asked ,paul if he had been to the theatre2 ,paul confessed to ,peter ,pan2 ,father ,vassall said that above all things he would like to see it4 ,why don't you go then8 enquired ,paul carelessly4 ,p-priests are forbidden to go to p-plays1 said ,father ,vassall4 ,what6 cried ,paul4 ,ridiculously1 it was his first shock4 ,he had always understood that actors1 actresses and ,roman ,catholics owned the same master and were as thick as thieves1 and here was a priest professing to be forbidden by his ,church to go to the theatre at all6 ,father ,vassall explained4 ,but we can go to m-m-music halls1 he stammered1 his eyes alight with mischief4 ,kestern prefers missionary meetings1 said ,hannam4 ,why1 exclaimed the priest eagerly1 his stutter all but disappearing in his enthusiasm2 you should come and hear ,father ,kenelm then1 ,mr4 ,kestern4 ,he has been t-thirty years in ,south ,america1 and is utterly devoted to our ,lord and the ,church's work out there4 ,he is over here arranging for the publication of the ,b-,bible in one of the native tongues and is speaking in ,cambridge this week4 ,the ,bible6 cried ,paul aghast4 ,but the ,roman ,catholic ,church does not allow people to read the ,bible6 ,hannam grinned1 and threw himself back in his chair4 ,he anticipated enjoyment4 ,father ,kenelm has himself translated1 published and distributed some half-million ,b-,bibles in two or three l-l-languages1 retorted the priest4 ,but1 ,father1 said ,paul1 utterly serious1 copying ,hannam's mode of address and scarcely noticing it in his eagerness1 you can't deny that your ,church burnt ,bibles openly in ,st4 ,paul's ,churchyard at the ,reformation4 ,never one1 said ,father ,vassall4 ,paul stiffened angrily1 though his anger relaxed into bewilderment at the other's laughing face4 ,the priest leant forward4 ,have you ever seen a copy of what we did b-burn8 asked the other4 ,paul shook his head4 ,well1 ,i could show you one at the ,presbytery4 ,we burnt ,p-,protestant copies of the ,holy ,scripture which had been mutilated by the removal of whole books and made worse than valueless by the bias of the translation and the m-marginal notes that had been added4 ,ah1 said ,paul1 relieved1 ,i see4 ,but that depends on what view you take of the notes4 ,excuse me1 retorted the other1 it does not4 ,we burnt annotated and mis-translated portions of the ,scriptures1 not the ,holy ,bible4 ,those are indisputable historical f-facts4 ,the annotation cannot be denied and the mis-translation is proved even by your own ,revised ,version4 ,and as for motive1 may ,i ask what you would advise a heathen convert of yours to do who was given a ,bible containing notes which taught ,t-,transubstantiation and ,m-m-mariolatry8 ,burn it1 said ,paul instantly4 ,the little priest laughed4 ,q-q-quite so1 he exploded4 ,he has you1 ,kestern1 put in ,hannam2 admit it4 ,have a cigarette1 ,father4 ,paul glanced from one to the other4 ,i do1 he said frankly4 ,but1 ,father1 you interest me enormously4 7,he hesitated47 ,may ,i speak frankly8 ,the priest nodded1 with a little quick gesture1 his eyes searching the other's face4 ,well1 you don't speak of ,christ and--and so on1 one little bit as ,i expected a ,roman ,catholic to speak4 ,missionaries too--,i hardly knew you had any4 ,and--well1 aren't they nearly always political8 ,aren't ,catholic conversions nearly always forced8 ,the priest no longer smiled4 ,he looked away into the fire4 ,do you suppose it was force1 he queried solemnly1 which made ,south ,american ,indians dig up their buried treasures valued at two hundred and fifty thousand pounds to give to ,father ,kenelm for the conversion of ,p-,protestant ,england8 ,there was magic in ,father ,vassall1 and ,paul's imagination saw a story in which1 had the boot been on the other foot1 he would have gloried4 ,a little silence fell on the conversation4 ,suddenly3 ,what about the ,inquisition8 he queried4 ,you read h-history8 the priest asked1 a trifle sharply4 ,paul nodded4 ,then you ought to know that the ,spanish ,inquisition was political and national1 not ,catholic4 ,you ought to know that some of the most disreputable ,popes protected such people as the ,jews from the fury of fanatics4 ,you ought to know that the long-suffering of the average ,bishop in heresy trials was amazing4 ,read ,gairdner4 ,but waive all that4 ,see here1 would you hang a murderer8 ,of course4 ,then if you honestly b-believed that the teaching of heresy was the murdering of innocent souls1 and if you had the power1 what would you do to heretics8 ,paul's silence was sufficient answer to the old dilemma4 ,as to actual penalties1 the age did not see or feel as ours does4 ,torture was ,english law1 remember1 and boiling alive or pressing to death or breaking on the wheel ordinary legal p-punishments4 ,perhaps1 said ,paul1 but such things were the punishments of crime4 ,mary burnt ,protestants for religion4 ,elizabeth r-racked and hung and disembowelled more ,catholics than ,mary ,protestants1 retorted ,father ,vassall4 ,besides1 ten times1 no1 thirty times as many suffered for ,catholicism under ,henry ,,viii4 and ,edward ,,vi4 than for ,protestantism all the way through ,english history4 ,paul looked hopelessly round the little room4 ,he saw himself1 as it were1 hemmed in and overwhelmed by inexorable fact4 ,besides1 it was all so unexpected4 ,did ,claxted know nothing of these as of other things8 ,why1 indeed1 had he himself never seen them in this light8 ,p-,protestantism1 went on ,father ,vassall1 taught that it belonged to every man to pick and choose for himself among doctrines1 and it therefore had no m-manner of reason for what it did4 ,calvin's burning of ,servetus at ,geneva really outrages d-d-decency4 ,and the ,p-,pilgrim ,fathers burnt more witches in a year in ,new ,england than the ,catholic ,church heretics in pre-,reformation ,england in a c-century4 ,paul drew a long breath4 ,i--,i must think1 he said confusedly4 ,i had no idea there was anything on your side4 ,he moved restlessly4 ,but tell me one thing1 don't you teach that all ,protestants go to hell8 ,hannam laughed outright4 ,but the priest did not4 ,he glanced up sharply4 ,don't you evangelicals teach1 he demanded with the quickness of a rapier thrust1 that all unbelievers go to hell8 ,paul's face was a study4 ,father ,vassall chuckled youthfully as he looked at him4 ,then his own face changed and his eyes grew tender4 ,i'm s-sorry1 he said1 stammering again4 ,that wasn't q-quite fair4 ,but we do not teach that1 and ,i think you do4 ,no2 when you get to ,p-,purgatory1 ,i'll say to ,st4 ,peter3 ',let ,k-,kestern in2 he's a g-g-good boy6' ,he stood up and reached for his hat and stick4 ,are you going home8 asked ,paul4 ,might ,i walk a little way with you8 ,the priest nodded1 and turned for a word with ,hannam as ,paul went to the door4 ,they were an odd pair as they walked together through the streets4 ,paul was a good deal taller than his companion1 and very serious4 ,the little priest was gay again1 and chattered about odd subjects and ,cambridge topics4 ,when a don nodded to ,vassall1 it struck the undergraduate as something he had scarcely realised1 that his new acquaintance had a great and growing reputation4 ,but not until they were at the door of the ,catholic church could ,paul speak his mind4 ,i must g-go in here now1 said ,father ,vassall4 ,i've got to hear the confessions of a lot of nuns much holier than ,i should be if ,i lived for a c-century4 ,later on1 ,paul realised what an amazing light that threw upon the ,sacrament of ,penance1 but just at present he was too much occupied to consider it4 ,father1 he said abruptly1 will you forgive me if ,i ask you one thing8 ,it isn't a usual thing1 ,i know1 and it's awfully personal1 but ,i can't help it4 ,the elder looked into the flushed1 serious face of the undergraduater and kept his eyes upon him4 ,w-what is it8 he asked4 ,do you believe in the reality of ,christ1 here and now1 on earth8 ,could you say you know ,him8 ,with all my heart1 said the priest simply and unhesitatingly4 ,then may ,i call and see you some time8 asked the boy1 with a little catch in his throat4 ,father ,vassall named a day and time4 7#f7 ,paul's new friendship soon became the dominant interest of the term for him4 ,even the prospects of the ,may eight in which he rowed were less prominent in his mind4 ,his father's letters vigorously denouncing any intercourse with a ,papist at all1 only aroused his hostility4 ,of what use was he1 if by this time he was not able to defend evangelical religion8 ,besides1 he had rapidly become whole-heartedly aware that there was no sort of question that ,father ,vassall loved ,christ with a sincerity not exceeded by that of his own father4 ,paul grew ever more certain of that4 ,he wrote as much to ,mr4 ,kestern1 but ,mr4 ,kestern would not admit the other's sincerity at all4 ,at best1 the priest was a deluded1 scheming fanatic out to trap his son4 ,the home letters grew passionate2 ,paul the more bewildered4 ,authority and experience were at their first serious conflict within him1 though he never phrased it so4 ,instead he opened his heart to the priest1 who was enormously more charitable to the boy's father than ,mr4 ,kestern was to him4 ,and ,paul read books1 and talked to ,dick4 ,possibly he reached a spiritual climax as early as that bright midsummer day that the two of them took on the ,upper ,river4 ,they had started in a ,canader1 and got as far as ,haslingfield4 ,they had stripped among the gold of buttercups1 and plunged down into the cool1 clear water where the mazy reeds twisted this way and that in the slow current4 ,they had lunched1 and bathed again1 and lying side by side in the sun on the grass1 had fixed up in common a good deal of the coming ,long ,vacation4 ,then1 settling into the canoe1 they had drifted slowly down-stream1 ,dick on his back lazily dipping a paddle now and again to avoid an obstacle1 and ,paul reading4 ,now the latter tossed the book down1 and spoke4 ,dick1 he said vehemently1 ,i can't help it4 ,they're right4 ,who are8 ,roman ,catholics4 ,don't be an ass4 ,i'm not an ass1 or at least not over this4 ,besides ,i don't mean that all they say and do is right4 ,some things obviously can't be4 ,i shall never be a ,catholic4 ,but there is no way out of the difficulty about authority4 ,no8 ,well1 chuck me over that toffee1 and for goodness sake don't say so at ,port o' ,man4 ,but ,i say1 ,dick1 said ,paul earnestly1 do listen4 ,it's worrying me no end4 ,you can't answer the dilemma1 either4 ,don't want to1 ejaculated the other4 ,paul stared at him4 ,but why not8 he demanded4 ,your attitude amazes me1 and oddly enough1 you are not unlike my father4 ,but anyway that attitude's plainly wrong4 ,there must be a way out4 ,the fellow who says3 ',i'm an evangelical1 and ,i won't discuss the question or hear another side1' must be wrong4 ,dick grunted4 ,listen4 ,the very first time ,i called on ,father ,vassall1 he had me4 ,he was frightfully kind2 he understood about our ,lord being real as next to nobody seems to do1 and he was entirely sympathetic about the ,cross just dominating everything4 ,in fact1 he was evangelical over it4 ,he admitted he was4 ,he said ,catholics were at one with evangelicals on that point1 and that their ,religious ,orders were composed of people who simply lived the ,gospel life4 ,but let's waive that4 ,he went on to ask me how1 despite all that1 ,i knew what our ,lord had meant by ,his words4 ,i said3 ',because it's in the ,bible4' ,he said3 ',granted4' 7,notice there's nothing of ,manning or ,tressor about him1 belittling the ,bible47 ',but' 7he went on7 'let's be definite4 ,take a text3 ,this is ,my ,body--what does it mean8' ,i said3 ',it means the bread represents ,his ,body broken for us4' ,he said3 ',how do you know8 ,at any rate for fifteen hundred years nobody thought so4' ,i said3 ',by prayer1 by reason1 and by the guidance of the ,holy ,spirit4' ,and then he said3 ',that's what ,luther said1 and taught ,consubstantiation4 ,that's what ,calvin said and denied it4 ,that's what ,wesley said and taught the ,real ,presence1 but not ,consubstantiation or ,transubstantiation4 ,that's what ,spurgeon said and denied all three4 ,and that's what ,general ,booth said and dispensed with sacraments altogether4 ,if you care to shut yourself up with your ,bible and pray1 you will probably arrive at some further opinion4 ,there are about three hundred and sixty-five ,protestant sects1 and there is no reason why there should not be three hundred and sixty-six4' ,none at all1 said ,dick2 and ,i say1 sit steady1 or you'll upset this bally canoe4 ,but look here1 ,dick--hang it all1 be serious4 ,he's right4 ,the ,bible1 being nineteen hundred years old and a written book1 is open to scores of different interpretations4 ,mere praying obviously does not prevent such differences of opinion2 it almost seems to increase them4 ,and consequently1 if there is not some one authoritative voice to interpret1 we might as well not have the ,bible at all4 ,or1 like ,tressor1 we must chuck dogma overboard4 ,either way our position goes4 ,and so8 ,well1 so1 if you will have it1 we've got to find some better reason than our view of the ,bible for condemning the ,catholic ,church4 ,we've got to find some further basis for our position4 ,dick sat up and fell to paddling4 ,paul watched him anxiously4 ,after a while1 his companion began to whistle1 and at that ,paul could stand it no more4 ,dick1 he cried1 do you mean to say you don't see it at all8 ,dick ,hartley trailed his paddle behind him and laughed a little4 ,look here1 ,paul1 he said1 you're too logical4 ,religion is not a primary textbook4 ,you and ,i know and love ,christ1 and we know that ,roman ,catholicism is not ,his ,gospel4 ,the thing is so obvious that it isn't worth discussion4 ,chuck it1 then4 ,pitch that book overboard and say your prayers4 ,and he recommenced to paddle4 ,paul flushed beneath his summer tan4 ,he leant back and stared up through the weave of leaves and twigs above them1 and when he spoke1 he was deliberate and cool4 ,dick1 he said1 ,christ is the truth1 and your attitude to truth seems to me simple blasphemy4 ,dick laughed again4 ,you're a nice old ass1 he said4 ,paul's letters were full of the burning subject1 and he wrote at length to his father and to ,edith4 ,his father was both incredulous and indignant at the boy's attitude1 and his replies threw his son into despair4 ,the elder man would admit nothing at all4 ,he declined to argue2 he refused even to consider what seemed to ,paul reasonable historical evidence4 ,rome was the great ,babylon1 the ,scarlet ,woman1 ,anti-,christ2 it had lied1 tricked1 tortured and sold its ,master all down the centuries4 ,i would sooner see a son of mine dead1 wrote ,mr4 ,kestern1 than a ,roman ,catholic4 ,paul1 in an agony of doubts and fears1 lived a tempestuous life4 ,to ,edith he unburdened at length1 and she1 though utterly bewildered at these new things1 was at least sympathetic and understanding4 ,the burden of her cry was3 ,how can it be1 dear8 but with the undercurrent--,you must face it2 your father is wrong to denounce your honesty2 but ,don't be rash or act in a hurry4 ,to her1 then1 the boy turned as to a new anchorage4 7#g7 ,donaldson and ,strether saw the conflict only superficially2 ,manning more truly1 but as a cynic4 ,thus one riotous night of a meeting of the new ,literary ,society1 ,paul had had something of an ovation4 ,his little room--its text still on the wall and the cross over the writing bureau in the corner--was beginning to reflect the growth of his artistic sense4 ,landseer's pictures had gone1 and in their place hung some engravings1 rescued from old books dug out of the boxes in ,charing ,cross ,road1 in neat ebony frames4 ,a ,falkland graced one side of the mantelshelf1 and quite a good ,melanchthon by ,holl the other4 ,the room was lit with candles1 and tobacco smoke drifted thickly1 since a childish rule of the society enforced smoking out of churchwardens4 ,paul1 as president1 had been overruled1 and now always smoked one pipe4 ,on this particular occasion1 he was smoking a second in great exultation1 having just read his last and lengthiest poetical effort to a really appreciative audience4 ,not without significance1 it dealt with an ,indian legend of the search for the white bird of truth4 ,by ,jove1 damned good1 burst out ,donaldson4 ,paul1 you've the makings of a real poet4 ,what do you think1 ,manning8 ,he may do stuff worth reading yet1 if he'll take good advice4 ,which is8 asked ,paul4 ,manning lit a cigarette1 cigarettes being allowed after the solemn preliminaries4 ,you won't like it1 ,kestern1 he said1 but here it is4 ,burn that4 ,get rid of it4 ,it's been good practice1 and ,i should judge it's not at all bad1 but don't sit tight to it4 ,anything good in it will stick and come out again2 the second and third rate had better go up in smoke4 ,oh1 cheese it all1 ,manning6 ,show it to ,tressor and get it pushed into some magazine2 and chorus of assent from the members backed ,donaldson up4 ,manning shook his head4 ,i know ,i'm right1 he said4 ,pass the cake1 ,strether4 ,strether disengaged his long form from the chair he occupied1 and passed it4 ,more coffee8 he grunted at ,paul4 ,paul was watching ,manning closely4 ,then1 suddenly3 ,you are right1 he said1 and with a swift movement tore the thing in halves4 ,donaldson swore4 ,well1 ,i'm damned6 put in a member4 ,you silly blighter6 ,manning finished his cake1 and stood up4 ,he looked round amusedly1 stretching himself4 ,i reckon that finishes the sitting anyway1 he said4 ,come over to my rooms a little later1 ,kestern1 will you8 ,good-night1 you people4 ,the company dispersed1 all save ,strether1 who sat on imperturbably1 his eyes on the ceiling4 ,he refused to smoke1 and had returned to dull suits and heavy boots1 with an occasional concession to society in the shape of a tie or waistcoat4 ,paul1 having seen the last down the stairs1 and exchanged a fusillade of sugar with the departing ,donaldson1 re-entered the room4 ,he shut the door and looked round dispiritedly4 ,a candle was guttering on the bureau2 heavy smoke hung in the air2 dirty plates and cups littered the table2 one picture was awry4 ,he walked to the window and opened it wide1 to let in the clear night air4 ,stars shone serenely aloft and mirrored themselves in the still river4 ,another letter from my pater to-day1 ,gussie1 he said at last1 turning back to the fire4 ,he'll not see1 or understand4 ,strether grunted4 ,it's so odd1 went on ,paul wearily4 ,in some ways1 he's the gentlest and most lovable of men4 ,he's full of the love of ,god4 ,he is a hundred times better than ,i shall ever be4 ,but over this1 he's mad1 rabid4 ,he seems to picture ,father ,vassall as a mixture of ,torquemada and ,judas ,iscariot4 ,if only ,i could get them to meet4444 ,going to the joss-house again1 ,sunday8 ,strether had his own picturesque and blasphemous slang4 ,paul smiled1 understanding him4 ,why8 he demanded4 ,i'll come with you4 ,it's more amusing than the ',ciccu' or chapel4 ,is there a wander round with candles this week8 ,gussie1 you're incorrigible4 ,but1 heavens1 what a tangle it all is6 ,does this look like the room of a ,christian8 ,look at it6 ,paul made a sweeping gesture4 ,strether pushed back heavily from the fire4 ,beastly cheap cake this evening1 anyway4 ,paul hurled a cushion at him4 ,the two friends went down and out together4 ,what's worrying you especially8 asked ,manning1 half an hour later4 ,oh1 nothing much4 ,at least1 that's not right2 it is much to me4 ,manning1 it's awful4 ,it's my father's attitude towards ,catholicism4 ,ah6 ,no time at all for it8 ,no4 ,and he doesn't understand4 ,complain in verse1 said ,manning1 handing him a ,swinburne1 and read that4 ',e'en the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea4' ,leave the wise to wrangle4 ,your line is going to be literature1 my son4 ,,chapter ,v ,,vacation ,the sticks break1 the stones crumble1 ,the eternal altars tilt and tumble1 ,sanctions and tales dislimn like mist ,about the amazed evangelist4 ,he stands unshook from age to youth ,upon one pin-point of the truth4 ,,robert ,,louis ,,stevenson4 7#a7 ,paul lay very still in the heather4 ,an occasional bee buzzed past his face1 and1 high aloft1 a towering hawk regarded him severely1 until1 satisfied that he was alive1 it gave its wings an imperceptible tilt and glided swiftly away4 ,the sun drew out the sweet scents from flowers and bracken1 and a small wind brought up1 now and again1 a whiff of the sea4 ,far below1 ,port o' ,man nestled peacefully in its bay4 ,a sort of toy town even in reality1 from this height it appeared to the watcher as if modelled by a child in coloured clays1 so remote and still and small it was4 ,it looked no more than a thin moon of buildings between the fields and the sea4 ,no sound came up so far1 but now and again there was a sparkle on the edge of the brown rocks when the surf ran up a shade higher than usual1 and in the wide expanse of sea itself1 green and blue changed the one with the other perpetually4 ,moreover ,paul's sharp eyes could detect a vivid spot of scarlet on the sands that was never still either4 ,he knew it to be the banner of the ,children's ,special ,service ,mission1 flapping in the wind4 ,he ought1 of course1 to have been there1 and when he had announced to ,mr4 ,stuart1 the leader1 his intention of playing truant for one whole1 golden morning1 he had been received with frowns4 ,but that had not daunted ,paul4 ,it took a good deal more than a ,mr4 ,stuart1 in fact1 to daunt him4 ,and so he had risen before the sun and taken his stick and his breakfast1 and departed for a long1 solitary climb up ,south ,barrule4 ,dick ,hartley had offered to come as well1 but ,paul had refused4 ,in the first place he wanted to be alone2 in the second1 he really did not want ,dick of all people1 however much he loved him1 just then2 and thirdly1 he had still a sense of missionary responsibility1 and he declined to deplete the staff for a single day by another worker4 ,nevertheless1 he was there himself on that day because he was rapidly reaching a frame of mind which would probably make the ,c4,s4,s4,m41 and many other evangelical activities1 finally impossible4 ,mr4 ,stuart1 for example--he reflected on ,mr4 ,stuart4 ,he was a nice1 big1 old gentleman whom parents liked4 ,he had no visible vices of any sort4 ,he liked a really big dinner in the midday on ,sunday4 ,he played cricket on the sands with a kindly smile and the aptitude of a rhinoceros4 ,he told impossible school stories fifty years old when preaching on the sands1 and the moral of them all was the same--the necessity for a clean heart4 ,as for his own heart1 he was quite sure that it was clean4 ,he was ,church of ,england1 but he had only one definite theological belief--,salvation was by ,faith ,alone without ,works4 ,but he had one strong negation--he believed that ,confirmation was unbiblical and wrong4 ,and1 instructively enough1 it was over ,confirmation that ,paul was beginning to jib4 ,possibly it is necessary1 at this point1 to say something as to the methods and devices of a ,c4,s4,s4,m4 ,there may yet be the uninitiated4 ,in the first place1 then1 a staff of voluntary workers1 female and male1 is drawn together during a summer month at some popular seaside resort1 which should1 if possible1 have sands rather than a beach1 and be to some extent select4 ,this latter is partly due to the fact that the ,mission aims more especially at the children of the better classes1 but also because1 whereas the ,c4,s4,s4,m4 can compete with the more ordinary nigger-minstrel troupe and itinerant show1 nowadays these things are done1 at the bigger holiday places1 upon so lavish and ,satanic a scale1 that the funds of the ,mission are scarcely large enough to provide adequate equipment for honest competition with them4 ,however1 if the staff be wisely chosen--a blue or two1 or at least some men in recognised blazers1 are necessary1 as well as ladies with good voices--much may be done4 ,on an ordinary day1 after a prayer meeting1 this staff proceeds to the sands4 ,some members wander up and down the seashore distributing attractive cards of invitation to children1 and engaging parents in amiable conversation where possible4 ,the others1 chiefly the masculine section1 throw off coats1 and with hearty enthusiasm commence to build a pulpit4 ,some roving children will inevitably be persuaded to help1 and the crowd grows as the pulpit is decorated with seaweed1 flowers1 shells1 and stones1 with a suitable text outlined upon it4 ,,jesus only1 or ,god is ,love2 but occasionally the unusual is worth trying--,ephphatha or ,two ,sparrows or ,five ,smooth ,stones4 ,and finally the banner is hoisted and the service merrily begins4 ,choruses with variations play a large part--,let the sunshine in1 ,let the sunshine out1 ,let the sunshine all round about2 ,step by step with ,jesus2 ,we are building day by day 7and there are actions in that72 but the ,scriptures are read to sword drill 7,the ,word of ,god is sharper than any two-edged sword71 and the addresses are short and breezy4 ,the notices always take a long while4 ,walks for the girls1 games for the boys1 sports for both--excursions1 picnics1 competitions2 cheery exhortations to ,watch for the ,banner1 or ,come to the ,house2 and lastly1 special services for boys and girls indoors in the evenings4 ,these latter are the ultimate hook4 ,at them1 many a man and woman has accepted ,christ in youth with real sincerity and determination4 ,paul threw himself heart and soul into all this4 ,he did a great part in making religion seem to the holiday-makers what it was truly and happily to himself1 the central joy and inspiration of life4 ,if any were inclined to think that attendance at a mission might be a poor way of spending a holiday1 they had only to watch ,paul for a while4 ,he was in love with ,christ1 and he was indifferent to the world's opinion that it might be indecent to show it as brazenly as a pair of ,cockney lovers on the top of a motor-bus4 ,in which conclusion both ,paul and the lovers are undoubtedly and altogether right4 ,and yet ,paul was troubled4 ,mr4 ,stuart's bland piety was new to him2 the workers' robust ignorance had him by the throat2 above all the scorning of a ceremony 7he would not have said a sacrament7 which he had come to feel had behind it the authority of an ,institution that he was finding increasingly necessary to the interpretation of the ,bible1 while it might be a small thing in itself1 worried him4 ,and it worried him the more because nobody else--not even ,dick--was worried2 while behind everything1 lay the ever-deepening shadow of his father's refusal to see one particle of evidence or necessity for the ,church4 ,but still another influence had laid fingers on ,paul's life1 although he knew it not yet4 ,he had come out that morning definitely to seek something1 definitely to rest himself on something4 ,paul had always loved nature2 he had always been one 7as his mother would have said7 for a country walk2 and he had written verses to chestnut-trees in ,may and beech-trees in ,autumn4 ,yet for all that1 the beauty of the world had ever been a secondary thing--something you enjoyed because you were satisfied4 ,but that morning he had come to it because he was not satisfied4 ,and he lay now1 almost immovable1 introspective1 peering at the tiny heather-bells1 taking definite note of a fragment of moss1 seeing with delight the veins of colour in the small stones4 ,things were beautiful1 he told himself1 beautiful in themselves2 also they were unfathomable2 and the joy of them was a caress to his troubled spirit4 ,presently he sighed1 and rolled over on his back1 staring up and away into the vast1 distant blue1 watching1 as the minutes sped1 a pin-point of white come out of nothing1 gather1 build itself with others1 form a tiny cloud1 and trail off across the sparkling sea4 ,paul felt himself incredibly small2 saw himself1 definitely1 less than nothing1 for the first time in his life4 ,and was content4 7#b7 ,when he entered the dining-room of the ,house1 the others were already at lunch4 ,the ,mission party were housed in a typical1 tall flat-chested house on the front1 of the kind that one finds inevitably along all the shores of ,britain1 houses of apparently one period1 as if the ,english middle-class had found the sea simultaneously in a generation4 ,that1 indeed1 did happen4 ,the room itself was threadbare4 ,everything in it from the furniture to the wall-paper1 was thin1 and aped solidity4 ,the very linen on the table knew that it was cheap4 ,only where a scarlet fuchsia flamed in an earthen pot on the window-ledge1 was there depth4 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,stuart1 and the ladies1 were not lodged there4 ,the men of the party had it as much to themselves as the admiring followers of ,henderson 7who had played cricket for his county7 and ,leather1 a ,church ,missionary ,society ,islington missionary from ,india1 would allow them4 ,but besides these two1 and ,dick1 and a lad of seventeen whom ,henderson tutored1 a stranger was at lunch that day4 ,dick introduced him4 ,hullo1 ,paul1 he said1 you're not so late as you might be4 ,let me introduce you to ,mr4 ,childers4 ,how do you do8 said ,paul correctly1 eyeing him4 ,the newcomer rose easily1 and held out his hand4 ,he was fair1 slight1 a little bowed1 and perhaps forty4 ,but it was hard to say his age4 ,he took ,paul's hand firmly1 and met his glance with a curiously remote frankness4 ,mr4 ,childers is a storybook uncle from foreign parts1 ,paul1 said ,dick4 ,aileen ,childers introduced me this morning1 and ,i persuaded him to come in to lunch4 ,he is just back from ,india4 ,paul1 not in the least understanding why1 was suddenly aware that there was hostility in the room1 but it did not come from the stranger4 ,he glanced round4 ,leather1 who had finished his cold mutton1 had pushed his plate back slightly after his manner1 and was looking puzzled and a little annoyed4 ,to escape the nephews and nieces1 said ,childers smiling1 and to meet ,mr4 ,leather4 ,how jolly1 said ,paul eagerly1 taking his seat4 ,what part of ,india were you in8 ,he was always eager to hear of heathen lands4 ,i've travelled pretty extensively1 returned the other1 but recently ,i've been living in ,bombay for some months4 ,in the native quarter1 said ,dick1 playing with his fork4 ,something in his tone caught ,paul's attention again4 ,he looked more closely at the visitor4 ,were you doing missionary work8 he asked4 ,childers shook his head4 ,no1 he said2 indeed1 on the contrary1 ,i went to learn4 ,the language8 persisted ,paul1 still at sea4 ,i learnt that at ,cambridge years ago1 said ,childers4 ,you don't say so4 ,did you take ,oriental ,languages1 or whatever they call it8 ,no4 ,the fact is1 ,mr4 ,kestern1 ,i learnt it from ,indian students1 and ,i was out in ,india studying ,indian religious mysticism4 ,oh6 said ,paul1 and glanced swiftly again at ,leather4 ,he understood at last4 ,little as he knew of the subject 7though he had heard ,father ,vassall speak of it71 he knew that a man who studied ,indian mysticism1 and the ,rev4 ,herbert ,leather1 ,c4,m4,s41 ,benares1 would not have much in common4 ,leather could play most games and preach a downright ,gospel sermon1 but the ,apostles were the only mystics in whom he believed and he would not have called them by that title4 ,even less than ,dick was he metaphysical1 and even more than ,paul at his worst was he dogmatic4 ,he spoke now4 ,as a matter of fact we are having a bit of an argument1 ,kestern1 he said4 ,mr4 ,childers seems to believe in ,hinduism4 ,i never said that1 ,mr4 ,leather1 put in ,childers4 ,the other shrugged his shoulders4 ,there was something of contempt in the gesture1 and the stranger seemed to read a challenge there4 ,i did say that we often did the ,brahmin less than justice1 and that the ,yogi adept had usually true spirituality1 he said4 ,do you mean the fellows who sit on spikes and swing from hooks on festivals8 enquired ,dick1 bewildered4 ,the other laughed a little1 pleasantly4 ,that is not all they do1 and1 put like that1 it certainly sounds foolish1 but still those who are genuine among them1 do sometimes show the complete power of spirit over matter in that way1 he replied4 ,a pack of liars and scoundrels1 said ,leather hotly1 brimming over4 ,childers' eyes flamed suddenly1 and as suddenly the light in them died down4 ,he kept his temper perfectly4 ,i do not think so1 he said with serene control4 ,but you do not mean that they have any power which ,christians have not got1 surely8 queried ,paul4 ,i do indeed1 said ,childers1 if you mean by ,christians the average followers of ,christ4 ,leather drummed with his fingers on the table4 ,paul stared into the other's face4 ,there was something so subdued and yet so powerful about it1 that he was very deeply interested4 ,will you explain a little8 he asked4 ,we don't hear of these things from that point of view4 ,well1 ,mr4 ,kestern1 ,i do not know that there is much to explain4 ,after all1 prayer and fasting have a prominent place in all forms of ,christian thought1 have they not8 ,and by prayer and fasting these men so subdue the body that the spirit in them can live almost independently of bodily aids1 and even of itself affect material things4 ,prayer to a false god never did that for a man1 retorted ,leather4 ,we should probably differ in our definition of false1 returned ,childers courteously4 ,but look here1--the missionary leant over the table--do you mean you've ever seen them do anything that was not a clever conjuring trick8 ,most certainly1 said ,childers4 ,leather threw himself back4 ,you can do the same yourself1 ,i suppose1 he sneered4 ,a little1 said ,childers1 though ,i am really a mere novice4 ,the other completely lost his temper4 ,show us then1 he said curtly4 ,oh yes1 do1 cried ,paul1 but in a wholly different tone4 ,the elder man glanced from one to the other1 and then back again to ,paul4 ,he hesitated4 ,i would rather not1 he said4 ,one ought not to play tricks4 ,exactly1 cut in ,leather4 ,tricks4 ,childers tightened his lips1 and once again fire flashed in his eyes4 ,oh1 ,i say1 cried ,dick1 and stopped4 ,a little silence fell on them4 ,the situation was distinctly strained4 ,it was odd1 ,paul thought afterwards1 how time seemed to stand still4 ,the little storm had come up so suddenly1 and the commonplace meal and room had so swiftly taken on a new aspect4 ,leather was insufferably rude4 ,it struck ,paul that here1 again1 was the harsh dogmatic attitude that would not even allow that there could be anything else to see or to believe4 ,he felt suddenly that he must end it4 ,mr4 ,childers1 he said1 if you could show us what you mean we should be very glad4 ,the eyes of the two met once more across the table1 and ,childers made up his mind4 ,i dislike this sort of thing1 he said1 but perhaps sometimes it may be of value4 ,has ,mr4 ,leather a pin8 ,leather got up and took one from a painted satin pincushion that hung on the wall by the fire4 ,they were all so supremely grave that no one saw the humour of it1 especially the visitor1 who would have seen none in any case4 ,childers pushed his chair back a few feet from the table4 ,mr4 ,kestern1 he said1 would you clear a place on the table8 ,i would rather touch nothing myself4 ,and then perhaps ,mr4 ,leather would set the pin there4 ,let it lie on the cloth1 please4 ,bewildered1 ,paul obeyed4 ,the others drew in eagerly4 ,no one knew what was to be attempted1 but all were eager to see4 ,even ,leather showed keen interest4 ,paul pushed back the potatoes and a tablespoon1 and swept a few crumbs to one side4 ,leather dropped the pin into the cleared space1 threw himself back into his chair1 and thrust his hands into his pockets4 ,dick leant his elbows on the table and stared at their visitor4 ,now1 said ,childers1 would you mind keeping quiet8 ,i will not ask you to keep your eyes wholly on the pin1 or you will say you have been hypnotised or something of that sort1 but please watch it and me1 and do not speak4 ,in the tense quiet that followed1 ,paul threw a look at his companions4 ,dick was puzzled1 ,leather sceptical and attempting indifference1 ,henderson and his pupil a-quiver with equal curiosity4 ,only ,childers sat on serene1 his eyes on the commonplace pin that lay so still on the table4 ,from without1 the sea's murmur came softly in4 ,there was a patch of sunlight on the white cloth4 ,the pin lay clearly in the very centre of it4 ,it lay quite still1 naturally1 and shone in the light4 ,still8 ,was it still8 ,paul caught his breath4 ,for then1 as they watched1 as the clock ticked the minutes loudly on the mantelshelf1 as the boy beside him breathed hard1 and ,paul himself clasped and unclasped his hands1 the tiny shining thing stirred1 trembled1 flickered as it were1 made spasmodic movements1 and finally rose1 trembling1 to stand on its point4 ,paul swallowed in his throat1 and ,leather cried out4 ,it's a trick1 he exclaimed sharply4 ,the pin fell back silently4 ,oh no1 how could it be8 said ,childers quietly4 ,i am not so good a conjurer as all that4 ,how on earth---- began ,dick4 ,leather stood up4 ,i am playing cricket at three1 he said abruptly4 ,i fear ,i must go4 ,i--,i beg your pardon if ,i was--was rude1 ,mr4 ,childers4 ,but--but---- ,that is quite all right4 ,perhaps ,i should not have said what ,i did4 ,but there is nothing really strange in what you have seen1 ,mr4 ,leather4 ,i hope ,i have not put you off your game4 ,all that afternoon1 ,paul and the visitor sat by the sea on the sand and talked together4 ,the elder man was a quiet1 serious1 thoughtful person who made no attempt whatever to destroy any of his young companion's beliefs1 and really very little to instruct him4 ,but ,paul was inexorable4 ,his inchoate eyes fastened on the other1 he heard of auras and astral bodies and familiar spirits with an ever-deepening amazement4 ,it was not that the things themselves made much of a contribution to his mind2 he was not1 perhaps1 ready for them2 but it was ,childers himself1 especially in contrast to ,mr4 ,stuart1 ,leather1 ,henderson1 ,dick1 who affected him profoundly4 ,it was his first contact with a true but alien spirituality1 his first lesson in comparative religion4 ,he saw at once how closely a scheme of things that allowed for transition planes of spiritual life1 the interweaving of the material and spiritual1 and the help of unseen beings1 fitted in with ,catholicism4 ,here1 from another source1 came confirmation of his new surmises4 ,and above all1 here was lacking that ignorant1 dogmatic temper of evangelicalism1 indifferent to beauty and living1 with which he was finding himself increasingly at odds4 ,towards the end of the afternoon1 he ventured the supreme question which had been on his lips for long1 but which he was more than half-afraid to speak4 ,mr4 ,childers1 he asked1 what do your spirit-guides say of ,christ8 ,the clear blue eyes looked into his serenely4 ,they do not say much1 he said4 ,but why not8 ,he was strikingly adept1 said ,childers1 and has advanced far beyond us4 ,but we shall see ,him at some distant time1 if we continue steadily to progress4 ,but we know ,him1 objected ,paul1 here and now4 ,you feel the influence of ,his ,spirit1 for all spiritual living has left its impress which those who follow after may enjoy along the road4 ,along the road8 ,yes4 ,prayer1 ,fasting1 ,self-discipline4 ,it is very hard4 ,paul shook his head4 ',my yoke is easy and ,my burden is light1' he quoted4 ,that was not all ,he said1 said ,childers gravely4 ,and ,paul1 stricken by a host of texts1 sat on very still4 ,do you yourself find ,god8 he asked at last4 ,he is very far above us1 replied ,childers4 ,it is scarcely a question of ,god4 ',he that hath seen ,me1 hath seen the ,father1' returned the boy eagerly4 ,and what precisely does that mean8 asked ,childers1 rather tenderly4 ,paul leapt to his feet4 ,ah1 what6 he cried4 ,i see that that's the question4 ,but ,i will not believe that ,god is far1 ,mr4 ,childers2 ,he is near1 very near1 in the ,person of ,his ,son4 ,after a moment1 ,childers1 too1 got up4 ,he had decided not to speak4 ,he linked his arm in the other's affectionately4 ,let us go1 he said4 7#c7 ,the month drew to its close2 fair success attended the ,mission2 and one day ,dick and ,paul said good-bye to the rest1 and to a smiling1 cheering crowd of children on the station platform1 setting off in the toy train which steamed importantly by the fuchsia-hedges and the old tin mines1 to ,douglas and civilisation4 ,they were off to ,keswick1 for the great ,convention4 ,paul had long wanted to go1 and was all eagerness for it4 ,his companion had been several times before1 and1 as always1 was the more steady and self-contained4 ,at ,liverpool they stayed a night with friends1 and were walking through the little ,westmoreland town the following evening4 ,the streets were fairly full4 ,clergymen in semi-clerical dress--black coat and grey trousers1 or vice versa--and moustaches abounded1 but still more1 young earnest men in grey flannels and bright smiling young women4 ,little parties moved up and down the street1 frequently singing or humming hymns4 ,fragments of hymn-tunes drifted out of open windows1 and a party leisurely rowing shorewards1 were singing well in unison4 ,paul began himself to sing4 ',oh that will be ,glory for me1' he hummed1 his head high1 scenting the pine-woods4 ,you old crow1 said ,dick4 ,well1 if ,i can't sing1 retorted ,paul1 ,i can at least make a joyful noise4 ,well1 then1 make it in company where it's drowned1 and not alone1 said ,dick1 grinning at him4 ,next morning ,paul did sing in company4 ,the friends stayed at a house taken regularly for the period of the ,convention by an elderly lady1 and charitably filled with missionaries1 ordinands1 and young clergymen4 ,she called them all her boys1 and they took it in turns to conduct family prayers4 ,moreover they went with her in a body wherever she went1 and1 truth to tell1 she was rather proud of them4 ,one carried her umbrella1 another her ,bible1 a third her hymn-book1 and so on4 ,this year two of them were coloured4 ,thus went ,paul and ,dick to the big tent for the first morning's meeting4 ,it was packed with several thousand people drawn from a large variety of ,protestant denominations1 and the speakers were a ,church of ,england bishop1 a ,baptist layman1 and a ,methodist missionary4 ,an ,adventist led in prayer1 or at least ,paul gathered that he was an ,adventist from the intimate information he volunteered in the course of it1 as to the details and date of the ,second ,coming of ,christ4 ,the vast congregation adopted many attitudes for prayer1 but1 chiefly1 that of the half-bend2 the chairman announced that he trusted the utmost unity and harmony would prevail throughout the several meetings2 it was understood that the subject of the ,sacraments and such-like controversies was to be avoided2 and a motto in red and white burgeoned immense over the platform3 ,,all ,,one in ,christ ,jesus4 ,throughout the week1 ,paul followed the usual course of a member of the ,convention4 ,he bought a new hymn-book of ,the ,hymns of ,consecration and ,faith1 and a new ,bible1 a ,baxter1 whose leaves were also neatly cut away in index form to facilitate the finding of the more minor ,minor ,prophets4 ,he also bought a small text framed in straws for his mother1 but1 the exultation of the moment which had prompted the purchase having worked off1 gave it away next day4 ,he went to ,friar's ,crag by moonlight1 and sang 7in company7 ,there'll be no shadows1 and ,when the mists have rolled away4 ,on the ,sunday he went to outdoor meetings4 ,there was an official ,convention open-air1 but the market-place was quite full of other open-airs1 conducted by people whose ideas were not sufficiently expressed in the central one2 and there was also to be seen a somewhat dirty1 very ragged and unkempt prophet who had come all the way from the ,south on foot to denounce modern ,christianity in the cause of ,humanitarian ,deism1 and whose rabid sincerity attracted ,paul4 ,finally he went 7out of curiosity7 to a meeting for men only addressed by a prominent evangelical lady whose subject was ,the ,personal ,devil1 and to a series of meetings in which a new baptism of the ,spirit was being taught1 the idea of the pastor who conducted them being that if one only claimed the promise1 one would become full--the emphasis lay there--full of the ,holy ,spirit4 ,these meetings continued sometimes until midnight and were occasionally noteworthy for the ,gift of ,tongues4 ,but as there were not found any who could interpret1 the authorities1 remembering ,st4 ,paul1 rather cold-shouldered them4 ,two days before the friends were to leave1 as they were coming from a service in the tent1 they ran straight into ,edith ,thornton4 ,paul gave a shout of surprise and ran forward eagerly4 ,you here6 he exclaimed4 ,she turned1 and he saw that her sister ,maud was with her4 ,oh1 ,mr4 ,kestern1 cried the elder girl1 we wondered if we should see you6 ,we heard that you were coming on to ,keswick after ,port o' ,man1 but it was only just the other day that we got the chance of coming ourselves4 ,but how topping to see you1 said ,paul1 delighted1 shaking hands4 ,i say1 do let me introduce my friend4 ,mr4 ,hartley2 ,miss ,thornton1 ,miss ,edith ,thornton4 ,where are you staying8 ,at ',the ,pines4' ,i know--the ,y4,w4,c4,a4 house4 ,when did you arrive8 ,saturday4 ,we might have met before1 only really there are so many girls in the house1 and the ,matron arranges a full programme for us each day4 ,where are you staying1 ,mr4 ,hartley8 ,paul turned more directly to ,edith1 who had scarcely spoken4 ,what luck6 he exclaimed1 his eyes sparkling4 ,edith glanced cautiously at her sister1 who was talking now animatedly to ,dick4 ,paul1 isn't it8 she said4 ,and ,i do want to see you so much4 ,we must fix up something4 ,what are you doing this afternoon8 ,we're all going for a picnic on the lake4 ,then we'll come too4 ,she laughed4 ,you can't1 you know4 ,unless you come and be introduced to ,matron and she invites you4 ,and that she won't do unless you please her immensely--which ,i fear is not likely4 ,oh1 ,i say--why ever not8 ,the girl flushed1 and laughed again4 ,why8 cried the intrigued ,paul4 ,i shan't tell you4 ,oh1 do6 ,well1 if you must know1 because you won't behave4 ,you give yourself away too openly4 ,girls1 staying at the ,y4,w4,c4,a4 in ,keswick ,week1 are supposed to--to--to---- ,to what8 ,to get on without men1 anyway4 ,unless they're properly engaged4 ,but aren't you ever free8 ,i might be4 ,when8 ,i know--to-morrow morning1 early4 ,we'll cut the prayer meeting for once1 and go and walk by the lake4 ,oh1 ,paul1 if we could6 ,will you try8 7#d7 ,and so1 on that last day1 ,paul and ,edith wandered off in the early morning by the road that leads along the lake1 and exchanged impressions4 ,it was a cold summer that year in the ,north1 and there was a drifting mist over the water which the sun had not yet dispersed4 ,high above it1 the great hills lifted themselves1 and there was a sound of tinkling water on the air1 for it had rained heavily the night before and the little rills were full4 ,the sky1 too1 was alive with soft lights of grey and white and blue4 ,where the road bends out of sight of the last houses1 ,paul took the hand that swung by the girl's side1 and1 remote and virginal1 they walked together hand in hand4 ,well1 ,paul dear1 she said1 tell me everything4 ,and ,paul tried to tell her4444 ,and ,keswick1 he said at last1 only sums it all up4 ,you can't escape from it1 ,edith4 ,people believe all sorts of different things even here4 ',all one in ,christ'--but they aren't4 ,and how can they be1 unless there is some voice to interpret ,him to us8 ,but it can't be the ,church of ,rome1 ,paul6 she cried1 in real distress4 ,you say that1 said ,paul1 but why8 ,because you've a distorted notion of the ,church of ,rome4 ,look here1 ,edith1 we won't go into it now1 but ,i tell you that everything ,i was told about ,rome1 turns out to be wrong4 ,the more ,i see1 the more ,i hear1 the more ,i think1 the more reasonable it is4 ,but you can't1 can't1 can't1 give up all you've believed and taught about ,jesus4 ,dear1 one isn't asked to give up anything4 ,father ,vassall believes in ,him just as much as you or ,i or my father4 ,indeed1 he believes more1 ,edith4 ,i feel that in this place4 ,these people say they believe in ,him1 but they don't think out what they mean4 ,he is ,god1 ,edith1 truly1 really1 altogether ,god4 ,and if the ,baby in the cradle could be ,god1 why shouldn't the ,sacrament be ,jesus8 ,why shouldn't he choose that veil as ,he chose the other8 ,and see what it would mean6 ,there ,he would be1 for our worship1 our service1 really1 bodily1 spiritually too4 ,as ,he was in ,bethlehem1 ,he would be the same there for ever4 ,and there is ,his ,church speaking for ,him1 guarding ,him4 ,how can it speak for ,him8 ,paul made a characteristic gesture4 ',he that heareth you1 heareth ,me1' he quoted4 ,and the first ,council--',it seems good to the ,holy ,ghost1 and to us4' ,think of the arrogance of that6 ,and ,st4 ,paul--',the ,church1 the ,pillar 7that is the ,upholder71 and the ,ground 7that is the ,basis7 of the ,faith4' ,the ,church1 not the ,bible4 ,and3 ',we have the ,spirit of ,god4' ,mr4 ,irving said that of us all in the tent last night4 ,i know4 ,but 'by their fruits ye shall know them4' ,have we unity8 ,and who was teaching ,mr4 ,irving's particular gospel of the fulness of the ,spirit1 a hundred1 no1 ten years ago8 ,whereas the ,catholic ,church---- ,he broke off1 and loosed her hand4 ,they stood on the fragrant1 peaty soil1 strewn with brown pine needles1 under the crags above the lake1 and the further rocks were just breaking through the mist4 ,a faint sound of early singing floated over to them4 ,they listened4 ,let me come closer to ,thee1 ,jesus1 ,yes1 closer day by day2 ,let me lean harder on ,thee1 ,jesus1 ,yes1 harder all the way4 ,do you know who wrote that8 ,paul queried4 ,no4 ,a monk1 who believed that our ,lord was in the ,sacrament on the ,altar4 ,oh1 ,paul6 ,it's true4 ,it's a kind of omen4 ,edith1 do you know ,i see a sort of vision nowadays4 ,i see ,jesus1 planning1 choosing1 endowing ,his little band1 and making them ,his ,church4 ',as the ,father hath sent ,me1 even so send ,i you4' ,i see that same ,church growing all down the years1 always misunderstood1 always persecuted1 always other-worldly at bottom1 and always teaching the same one faith4 ,its voice1 ,his voice2 its power1 ,his power2 its heart1 ,his heart4 ,and ,i seem to see ,jesus beckoning me there4 ,oh1 ,paul1 don't1 don't4 ,pray1 pray6 ,i have prayed1 dear1 and as ,i pray--oh1 ,edith1 ,i don't know6 ,but nothing stops my seeing4 ,it just gets clearer4 ,everything fits4 ,little things sort of seem to come my way4 ,if it's wrong1 surely our ,lord ,whom ,i do love1 ,edith1 and ,whom ,i have tried to serve1 won't let me go wrong4 ,but suppose1--suppose it's a temptation8 ,i know4 ,dad says it's the ,devil4 ,exactly4 ',they called the ,master of the ,house ,beelzebub1 and how much more they of ,his ,household8' ,everything fits4 ,oh1 ,paul1 she cried1 there you go again6 ,i can't argue with you4 ,i---- ,no1 because it's unanswerable4 ,and it's been so for two thousand years4 ,paul1 ,paul1 do pray6 ,darling1 ,i do pray4 ,but what can ,i do8 ,mother says3 ',cling to the ,book--,don't let go the ,word1' but the ,word itself seems to me to point that way4 ,i can't help it2 it does4 ,i don't want to be a ,roman ,catholic4 ,i'd hate to be4 ,but1 ,edith1 oh ,edith1 ,edith1 why is there no answer when one prays8 ,paul1 there is1 there is6 ,he turned on her4 ,then you pray4 ,now4 ,here4 ,god will answer you1 perhaps4 ,oh1 ,i can't1 ,paul4 ,not with you here4 ,i wouldn't dare4 ,he caught her hands4 ,oh1 darling1 do4 ,i'm so tired of begging and crying for light4 ,i seem always to have to be the leader1 and ,i do so want to be led4 ,the girl's eyes filled with swift tears4 ,paul1 darling1 she whispered4444 ,well1 ,i will4 ,they knelt in the shadow of the pines1 unashamed1 and in the air there was a tremble of a sound--the ripple of the tiny wavelets on the beach beneath1 and the sough of the pines above4 ,they knelt hand in hand1 like two children2 and after a moment or two she prayed aloud1 in a hushed whisper4 ,oh ,god 7she said71 ,thou canst see us4 ,thou art here4 ,do1 do1 show ,paul--show us both1 what is right and true1 and what we ought to do4 ,don't let us be led astray from ,thee4 ,don't let us be frightened of following ,thee4 ,just let us--let us draw closer to ,thee and lean harder on ,thee1 all the way4 ,for ,jesus ,christ's sake4 ,sobs choked her ,amen1 and ,paul1 his eyes wet1 put his arm about her4 ,so clasped they knelt4 ,and the little waves rippled on the shore and the wind soughed in the pines above4 ,they walked home soberly4 ,at the entrance to the town1 ,edith put another question4 ,paul1 she said1 tell me1 haven't you liked ,keswick8 ,he was silent for a moment4 ,then3 ,edith1 shall ,i tell you the truth8 ,yes--and always4 ,well1 ,i've loved it so much that ,i've almost hated it4 ,our friends are so sincere1 so good1 and ,i seem to know it all so well4 ,it's my home1 but ,i'm beginning to feel myself a stranger among my own people4 ,the girl swallowed that stupid lump that would keep rising in her throat4 ,dear1 she said1 will you promise me one thing8 ,what8 ,promise4 ,you must tell me what it is first4 ,i can't tie my hands1 even for you4 ,well1 promise that whatever happens to you1 you'll never laugh at all this4 ,they were at her corner1 and the boy looked into her grave face4 ,i won't1 he said4 ,i promise4 ,i owe it too much4 ,but1 ,edith1 one thing ,i won't promise4 ,i won't promise that1 if ,i ever see it to be false1 ,i won't fight it with every weapon on which ,i can lay hand4 ,and she dropped her eyes from his1 forlorn1 for she saw that it was not in him to say more4 7#e7 ,paul went to ,ripon1 and ,dick1 saying good-bye for some time1 to the ,south4 ,he was to be ordained in ,september1 and had to interview his prospective ,vicar1 somewhere in ,north ,london4 ,paul was staying with ,judson for a few days1 that ,judson whom he had hardly known at the college feast1 but who had come rather more intimately into his life of late4 ,judson was a ,congregationalist1 and his father was a minister of the denomination in ,ripon4 ,he himself was a short1 bullet-headed sort of person1 whom ,paul usually thought of as a bullet4 ,at any rate1 there did not seem to be much room for emotionalism or sentiment in his make-up1 and he had a bullet-like way of boring into things4 ,he had bored straight into ,paul4 ,blunt1 definite1 ready1 he had liked ,paul1 and had started to call and to demand to be called upon4 ,his rooms reflected in a negative way his personality4 ,being poor1 they remained poorly furnished1 but even on tuppence-halfpenny they might have been less hard4 ,on either side of the mantelpiece were two humorous coloured plates out of ,printers' ,pie4 ,paul thought they symbolised the man4 ,how anyone could look at the same two jokes for ever1 one on each side of the mantel-piece1 used to strike him as an incredible mystery4 ,he thought at first that it meant that ,judson had no soul at all4 ,it was when he discovered his mistake that he began to like the man4 ,for ,judson had a soul4 ,he went regularly1 without any advertisement of it1 to a ,congregational chapel4 ,he addressed ,congregational meetings in villages at considerable inconvenience and quite unobtrusively4 ,he and ,paul alone at ,st4 ,mary's had the sin of public preaching to their charge4 ,and ,paul was beginning to find out that he alone neither mocked at nor disregarded his own religious struggles4 ,judson surveyed the ,catholic ,church with a shrewd eye4 ,he left ,paul to make enquiries1 but he took them seriously4 ,in his rooms he wore carpet slippers and a blazer1 and smoked an ugly pipe1 but1 feet on his mantelpiece and hands in his pockets1 he was prepared to admit that there were many points of view4 ,hearing1 then1 that ,paul was going to the ,isle of ,man and ,keswick1 he had persuaded him to come for a few days to ,ripon on his way ,south4 ,it was inconvenient that1 at the time1 a ,congregational conference was taking place in ,ripon1 but as money for train fares was a consideration to both friends1 ,paul's visit was not delayed4 ,he himself was glad1 as a matter of fact1 that the conference was sitting4 ,congregationalism was not immediately on his road1 but he thought he would turn off to see a little of it as he passed4 ,three ministers were staying in the house1 and the friends were out of it most days4 ,they made sundry excursions1 and lunched away4 ,that first afternoon1 ,paul was taken to his friend's father's chapel4 ,he was shown affectionately round4 ,judson opened the door of the roomy1 clean1 pitch-pine vestry with an air1 and took obvious pride in a new pulpit of considerable dimensions4 ,he explained the heating apparatus with the same sponsorial solicitude that a priest takes when he shows a visitor a new altar4 ,he opened and played the new ,american organ4 ,he exhibited1 in short1 an unhushed genial interest in and affection for a series of what already seemed to ,paul incredibly ugly and unattractive things4 ,for ,paul had never admired his own mission hall4 ,he had never even thought of admiration1 or the reverse1 in connection with it4 ,it had stood for use1 not for ornament4 ,but ,judson evidently saw in his chapel beautiful and holy ground4 ,he did not take off his shoes1 because he was not a ritualist and that was not his way1 but he liked the heating apparatus to shine brightly and to burn the best coal4 ,it was much the same in the ,minster4 ,there had been a time when ,paul had thought all cathedrals high and tending to ,popery4 ,now he saw in ,ripon a lovely thing misused and defaced4 ,the choir was full of cane chairs1 rank on rank1 for it alone was chiefly used4 ,they stood in platoons on the wide1 dignified steps leading up to the altar1 steps the stone of whose very approach was all but entirely concealed by an expensive red ,turkey carpet1 presented1 they were impressively informed1 by a lesser ,royalty1 when staying with the ,bishop who had been popular at ,court4 ,the altar frontal had the appearance of red plush1 with a multi-coloured ,maltese cross worked upon it1 flanked by lilies4 ,it had cost seventy-five pounds sixteen shillings4 ,they were told so4 ,also the two shades of red were locked in a violent argument4 ,they saw the high1 oak-roofed ,lady ,chapel1 which was lined with never-opened books1 called a library1 and used for a choir vestry4 ,the light streamed through its lovely window upon dog-eared piles of ,tallis's chant-books4 ,and in the ,north ,transept1 they stood in front of an immense and decorated ,georgian memorial for which pillars had been broken and carvings cut away1 a memorial which was approached still by ancient altar steps1 and on the top of which reposed a ,georgian figure in coloured stone who reclined upon his side1 one elbow propping up his bewigged head1 and one hand1 with lace at the wrist1 frozen for ever in a timeless pat upon a bulging stomach4 ,judson saw pleasant humanity in the effigy1 the verger magnificence1 ,paul an artistic and religious abomination of desolation1 and they all three ascribed their own feelings to the all-seeing deity4 ,the sunlight continued to dapple the stone which ever way it was4 ,they went1 also1 to ,fountains ,abbey4 ,judson expressed contempt for the decadent ,english aristocracy1 excited thereto by some subtle influence arising from the well-cut1 trim lawns1 and much admired the view of a classical temple which is to be seen through a well-placed gap4 ,he admired it to the extent of a pipe upon the spot4 ,within the ruin1 ,paul sat on a fallen stone1 and fell on silence4 ,returning from a tour of inspection1 ,judson surveyed him with amusement4 ,are you brooding upon a sonnet1 ,kestern8 he enquired1 feeling for his matches again4 ,paul's tragic youth forbade him to reply4 ,well1 those blessed monks of yours did themselves proud1 anyway1 continued his companion4 ,puff-puff4 ,wonder if we could get up a picnic here4 ,the distant hoot of a char-a-banc appeared more or less to answer him4 ,thank ,god it's a ruin1 said ,paul savagely2 let's go4 ,wonder how long it took 'em to build it1 remarked ,judson as they walked away4 ,generations1 said ,paul4 ,when they first came1 they starved in the forest on berries while they ploughed and planted lands1 and lived in daub and wattle huts4 ,slowly1 piece by piece1 they raised all that1 to the honour and glory of ,god4 ,the place was a prayer in stone4 ,they knew how to choose a site1 remarked the practical ,judson4 ,wonder if it could be repaired8 ,and ,i wonder if it was answered1 said ,paul4 ,what8 ,the prayer4 ,does the ruin look like it8 ,you're a rum ass1 said ,judson affectionately4 ,paul kicked a stone savagely from his path4 ,i'm sick of being called a rum ass by everyone1 he said4 ,i see nothing rum or asinine in what ,i said4 ,you wouldn't1 said ,judson4 ,but then we aren't all poets1 he added4 ,nor am ,i1 retorted ,paul gloomily1 and anyhow what ,i said had nothing to do with poetry4 ,well1 let's get lunch at that place by the gate4 ,the poetry in a ham sandwich is what ,i want at present4 ,paul returned to earth4 ,i could do with two1 he echoed with enthusiasm4 7#f7 ,that night1 over and after a high ,yorkshire tea1 ,paul was able to study ,congregational ministers4 ,a round dozen of them sat in ,mr4 ,judson's study beneath a large engraving of the late ,mr4 ,spurgeon in the act of preaching from the pulpit of his ,tabernacle4 ,paul was interested in their apparently infinite variety4 ,there was the type he knew well in the ,church of ,england ,claxted circles1 the sincere1 lovable1 earnest1 bearded sort who do not smoke and are rather silent in a general conversation4 ,there was the hearty1 bluff1 unclerical sort1 who do smoke and who talk a good deal and tell humorous anecdotes4 ,one such related with great good humour how he had been knocked up one rainy night in mistake for a ,high ,church parson1 and asked to bicycle five miles to baptize a dying baby a few hours old4 ,a young man in a corner1 in a ,roman collar and a frock coat1 asked if he went4 ,go8 ,not ,i6 ,d'you suppose ,i'd go out on a cold night to sprinkle half a dozen drops of water over a baby8 ,i told the fellow ,i was sorry1 but that if he was wise1 he'd go home to bed1 as ,i proposed to go4 ,and ,i shut the window before he answered4 ,two or three laughed1 ,paul could not see why4 ,that's like you1 ,joe1 said ,mr4 ,judson4 ,i should have gone1 said the young man in the corner gravely4 ,more fool you then1 retorted ,joe1 apparently living up to his reputation for bluff good humour4 ,i do not think so1 said the young man4 ,the ceremony may mean a great deal to the mother1 and the ,church ought to be human enough to cater for all4 ,that kind of attitude gives people a wrong impression of ,nonconformity4 ,not so wrong as the impression you'd give1 put in a third missionary hotly4 ,the ,church of ,christ cannot cater for sacerdotalism4 ,what did you think of the ,moderator's address8 asked ,mr4 ,judson of the company in general1 a little too quickly1 ,paul thought4 ,but he thought also that he had seen yet another type in ministerial ,congregationalism4 7#g7 ,rolling ,londonwards1 watching the speeding fields and the quiet sleepy ,midland villages1 ,paul turned over the kaleidoscope of his vacation and realised that he was approaching a return to ,claxted with something like dismay4 ,dismay1 however1 did not last long4 ,he was determining at all costs to preach something of the new spirit that was in him1 and to show ,lambeth ,court and ,apple ,orchard ,road that with broader sympathies and a more theological outlook could also march all the zeal and fervour of evangelicalism4 ,the train slowed down for ,leicester4 ,a figure of outstanding dress and height detached itself from the little throng of waiting passengers1 and selected his compartment4 ,the newcomer carried an attach case1 a leather package of odd and awkward size1 a suitcase1 and a box of lantern slides1 and he was moreover encumbered with a travelling rug1 a silk hat1 an overcoat1 and a stick4 ,paul assisted with these1 and the stranger sat down opposite him4 ,paul's eyes took in his gaitered legs and his silk apron1 and rested even more enquiringly on his purple stock4 ,it was his first personal meeting with a bishop4 ,they two were alone in the carriage4 ,thanks1 said the ,bishop4 ,i'm sorry to be hung about with things like this1 but ,i don't seem able to dispense with any of them4 ,he sounded quite human1 and even friendly4 ,paul wondered who he was and if he ought to introduce my lord at once into the conversation4 ,however he blackballed the idea4 ,i know1 he said4 ,i always seem to accumulate heaps of things myself4 ,well1 said the other1 a twinkle in his eye1 it's a nuisance1 you know1 being a bishop1 and especially a bishop from abroad1 home on leave4 ,you've got to fit in so much4 ,there's lecturing and passing proofs and preaching1 and a bishop has to carry so many things around with him4 ,does he8 said ,paul1 smiling and meeting the other's mood1 ,i fear ,i don't know what he wants4 ,but--er--may we introduce ourselves--er--my lord8 ,the big1 clean-shaven1 young-looking prelate chuckled pleasantly4 ,certainly1 he said4 ,i'm the ,bishop of ,mozambique1 and as ,i'm only a colonial1 you needn't call me 'my lord1' you know1 unless you like4 ,paul looked at him with increased interest4 ,of course2 he ought to have recognised him4 ,he was an extreme ,high ,church bishop1 not unknown to controversial fame4 ,i'm ,paul ,kestern1 of ,st4 ,mary's1 he said4 ,oxford8 ,no1 ,cambridge4 ,i'm sorry4 ,or at least ,i'm not really4 ,the other laughed outright4 ,we'll agree to differ1 and get on famously1 he said4 ,and where do you come from just now1 ,mr4 ,kestern8 ,paul determined in a moment to be quite frank4 ,a ,children's ,special ,service ,mission in the ,isle of ,man1 the ,keswick ,convention1 and the ,congregationalist ,congress in ,ripon1 he said1 very gravely4 ,good1 said the other4 ,from which ,i gather you are a ,nonconformist candidate for the ministry4 ,wrong1 said ,paul4 ,i'm ,church of ,england1 or ,i think ,i am still4 ,and ,i'm going to be a missionary1 or--and suddenly for the first time he saw1 clearly1 the gulf that might be ahead--,i pray ,god that ,i am4 ,the ,bishop's smile died away1 but his tone was none the less kindly when he spoke after a few minutes' quiet scrutiny of the other's face4 ,then3 ,mr4 ,kestern1 he said1 ,i take it1 if you won't think me rude1 that you are going through the mill like the rest of us have had to do4 ,and ,paul1 impulsively1 nodded1 and in a few minutes was opening his heart1 while the miles slipped fast away and the train rushed as easily as destiny along its railed road4 ,you can't be a ,roman ,catholic1 said the ,bishop decisively when ,paul had finished4 ,why not8 ,because you know too much history to believe in the ,pope4 ,honestly1 said ,paul1 ,i see no reason in history to disbelieve in the ,pope4 ,his infallibility8 ,vox corporis1 vox capitis1 retorted ,paul2 and if the ,church has no head1 no ultimate authority1 how can it speak8 ,the ,church has ultimate authority4 ,it resides in the whole college of bishops dispersed throughout the world4 ,the ,papal power is a growth due to various human circumstances1 and in its final definition is contrary to the true ,catholic faith4 ,surely that's what every heretic has said of every definition4 ,that's what was said when every creed came to be formulated in order to safeguard the faith against the increasing theorising of men4 ,that's what the ,congregationalists say about the ,sacraments4 ,but the test lies in the acceptance of the new statement by the whole ,catholic body4 ,paul nodded eagerly4 ,and for four hundred years at least the whole ,catholic body accepted ,pope ,leo's definition of the ,papacy1 which is good enough to justify it1 and1 sir1 has the whole ,church accepted your theory8 ,have even the ,english bishops accepted it8 ,are you not almost alone on the bench in your views8 ,well1 but judge for yourself4 ,read your ,bible and pray4 ,is there a ,pope in the ,holy ,scriptures8 ,wasn't the ,first ,council of ,jerusalem a meeting of the college of bishops8 ,and that1 retorted ,paul1 is what they said at ,keswick4 ',read your ,bible and pray4' ,only1 let alone the ,pope1 most of them don't see even a bishop at ,jerusalem6 ,the big man took it in good part4 ,someone has been prompting you1 young man1 he said kindly4 ,father ,vassall1 replied ,paul instantly4 ,ah6 ,have you ever been abroad8 ,the elder man's voice hardened subtly4 ,no4 ,well1 don't judge ,roman ,catholicism by its appearance in ,england4 ,it's at its best here4 ,it wears ,sunday clothes4 ,priests don't keep mistresses in ,england1 and the worship of the saints is not quite the idolatry it is in ,italy4 ,paul flushed suddenly1 but sat silent4 ,concubinage is a regular thing in ,spain1 went on the other suavely4 ,in ,france they're very dubious about the ,pope4 ,in ,england1 below the surface1 they are as disunited pretty nearly as we are4 ,in ,south ,america1 the people would have more religion if they were still heathen4 ,paul recalled1 in a swift flood of memory1 his meeting with ,father ,kenelm at ,cambridge4 ,he recalled his stories of immense adoring crowds1 of persecution willingly endured1 of heroic self-sacrifices for the propagation of the faith4 ,still more he remembered how the father1 eagerly talking to him1 had seemed to take it for granted that he was a ,catholic2 and how he1 feeling that he must be honest1 had said he was not2 and how instantly1 across the crowded drawing-room1 without a trace of nervousness or any sense of indecorum1 the sudden stab of the poignant question had flashed--,oh1 but ,mr4 ,kestern1 surely you love our ,lord8 ,would such a man condone immorality8 ,the boy's face hardened4 ,there was an ,iscariot among the ,apostles1 ,bishop1 he said4 ,yes1 one4 ,not eleven out of twelve4 ,the train began to slow down1 and the ,bishop stirred to gather his traps4 ,my lord1 said ,paul1 curt in his ardour1 you merely propound a dilemma4 ,either the ,holy ,ghost has kept silence as to the essential central authority of the ,church till ,he showed it to ,anglo-,catholics seventy years ago1 the devil triumphing meanwhile1 or--or---- ,eh8 queried the astonished ,bishop4 ,or it is all a lie4 ,,chapter ,,vi ,,mount ,,carmel ,thou art a ,god that hidest ,thyself4--,,isa4 xlv4 ,then ,job answered and said3 ,oh that ,i knew where ,i might find ,him4--,,job xxiii4 ,there is no proof of ,god's existence1 and you must first of all believe in it if you want to prove it4 ,where does he show himself8 ,what does he save8 ,what tortures of the heart1 what disasters does he turn aside from all and each in the ruin of hearts8 ,where have we known or handled or embraced anything but his name8 ,god's absence surrounds infinitely and even actually each kneeling suppliant1 athirst for some humble personal miracle1 and each seeker who bends over his papers as he watches for proofs like a creator2 it surrounds the pitiful antagonism of all religions1 armed against each other1 enormous and bloody4 ,god's absence rises like the sky over the agonising conflicts between good and evil1 over the trembling heedfulness of the upright1 over the immensity--still haunting me--of the cemeteries of agony1 the charnal-heaps of innocent soldiers1 the heavy cries of the shipwrecked4 ,absence6 ,absence6 ,in the hundred thousand years that life has tried to delay death1 there has been nothing on earth more fruitless than man's cries to divinity1 nothing which gives so perfect an idea of silence4--,,henri ,,barbusse3 ,light 7translated by ,fitzwater ,wray74 7#a7 ,in ,mr4 ,kestern's study the curtains were close drawn and no gas had been lit4 ,they were heavy crimson curtains1 thick and old-fashioned1 and they hung motionless1 completely screening the windows4 ,a fire flickered fitfully in the grate1 with so little light that the army of dancing invading shadows rushed even more and more tempestuously and overwhelmingly forward towards it4 ,they leapt over the sombre-backed books in their close rows on the shelves around the room1 flicking a letter tooled in gold here and there as they passed4 ,in the corners they already ruled supreme4 ,high upon the walls they hung1 like gathered clouds4 ,only immediately before the grate1 where the big secretaire stood with its roll-top lid pushed back1 was their kingdom not yet4 ,the little light showed the open desk1 its half-filled and neatly-labelled pigeon-holes1 its inkstand1 blotter and loose papers4 ,left and right of the centre1 the big drawers were all shut1 save one1 that gaped half-open4 ,the heavy piece seemed almost as it were to brood over that drawer4 ,it was seldom open4 ,it held ,paul's old school reports and essays and some ancient sermon notes1 chiefly things he did not guess were still in existence4 ,a few of them1 disordered1 lay half in1 half out1 tossed down there by a quick movement4 ,one lay on the floor1 white in the gloom1 as it had fallen from the reader's hand4 ,the reader himself had slipped from his seat4 ,the revolving chair in which he had been sitting1 was pushed slightly back1 and he himself was kneeling1 head forward1 face hid in his hands4 ,mr4 ,kestern often prayed there thus1 busy at his sermons1 and there was a footstool below the desk for him to kneel upon4 ,but he was not kneeling on it now4 ,his was no premeditated praying4 ,he had dropped the manuscript1 turned the gas hastily out1 and fallen forward there1 in one swift motion1 some half-hour or more ago4 ,the fire had thus begun to die1 but he paid no heed4 ,his head1 with its hair already more nearly white than grey1 had scarcely moved in his hands for all that time4 ,yet if the man's bowed shoulders were all but motionless1 the rapid agonised thoughts lanced this way and that without ceasing through his tortured soul4 ,now they were flying back down the years1 revealing1 like lightning flashes1 other great moments in the drama of his son3 the moment he had knelt praying--good ,god1 how he had prayed6--and waiting for the news of the birth in the room above2 the moment when he1 and his wife with him this time1 had knelt and wrestled with ,god in an agony for the life of the lad upon whom the consulting doctors were even then pronouncing a final decision4 ,in each case1 there had been steps at last outside announcing what had seemed and what he had acclaimed to be a veritable miracle4 ,but now--ah6 now4444 ',father1 if it be possible444' ',the ,lord1 ,who hath redeemed us from all evil1 bless the lad444' ',lord of ,all power and might444' ',master444'--it was in broken phrases that he prayed4 ,it was1 indeed1 a prayer not truly of words at all4 ,mr4 ,kestern1 stricken as he had never dreamed he could be stricken1 flung his racked and aching soul at the feet of his ,god4 ,and it was all so still3 the silent dance of the shadows1 the silent existing of the heavy curtains and old-fashioned furniture1 the silent1 broken man4 ,it was still outside in the suburban street1 dank and unlovely in the dull ,december evening4 ,it was still high up where the lowering clouds1 heavy with snow that year1 hid the moon4 ,and ,god on ,his throne sat still4 ,oh1 my ,god1 spare me this thing4444 ,thou knowest4444 ,let not ,satan triumph over me4444 ,the boy is ,thine--given1 dedicated1 bought2--save ,thou my son1 my only son4 ,yet not my will1 but ,thine be done4444 ,ah1 but it cannot be ,thy will--this deceit1 this lie6 ,o ,god of ,truth1 open his eyes that he may see wondrous things out of ,thy ,word4444 ,knives1 lances--each broken sentence was one such4 ,and truly ,mr4 ,kestern would have counted his heart's blood a light offering if thereby he might have saved his son4 ,his heart's blood6 ,he was offering even more as he knelt there now4 ,his faith and love were breaking his soul upon the wheel1 and not one blow would he spare himself4 ,and within1 without1 above1 silences1 interwoven silences1 a veil--inscrutable4 ,but ,god must be made to hear444 ',father1 if it be possible4444' ,the handle of the door turned1 futilely since the door was locked4 ,mr4 ,kestern rose slowly1 and opened it4 ,mrs4 ,kestern came in4 ,father6 she exclaimed4 ,your fire's nearly out6 ,and no gas8 ,whatever-- ,oh1 father dear1 what is it8 ,how long have you been here alone8 ,why didn't you call me in8 ,let me light the gas for you4 ,she walked over and lit the yellow jet1 turning again to the man who stood1 silent and motionless1 by the table4 ,her eyes took in the drawn face1 the haggard brow1 even the signs of a man's difficult tears4 ,she moved swiftly to him4 ,father6 she cried again1 what is it8 ,has anything happened to ,paul8 ,one hand reached up to his shoulder and the other was pressed hard on her heart4 ,no1 no1 ,clara1 said the man4 ,he's written1 that's all4 ,in advance of his coming1 ,i suppose1 so as to prepare us4 ,you had better read what he says4 ,his wife detected the bitter1 hopeless pain that underlay the words4 ,her glance1 too1 read aright the open drawer and the disordered papers4 ,mechanically she reached out for the letter4 ,he's still our boy1 she cried1 inconsequently4 ,the old ,puritan straightened himself4 ,a son of mine a ,roman ,catholic6 he cried4 ,what is my sin that ,god should bring this upon me8 ,would ,god he had died first6 ,father6--no6--oh1 don't say that6 ,i can't bear it1 ,i can't bear it4 ,oh1 ,god help us1 ,god help us---- ,she sank heavily into a chair1 her body shaken with sobs4 ,mr4 ,kestern moved over1 and laid his hand on her shoulder4 ,it was an utterly pathetic gesture that he made1 as if1 whatever her grief1 they were both of them powerless before it4 ,he's not taken the step yet1 he said as one catching at a straw4 ,then1 bitterly1 ,or he says not4 ,he wishes to consult us first4 ,but you can read that his mind is made up4 ,they have trapped my boy4 ,through her tears1 his wife asked for the letter to be read4 ,it's quite short1 said ,mr4 ,kestern heavily1 as he recrossed the room and seated himself in his chair1 and then1 with that new bitterness1 short and sweet4 ,you can read between the lines4 ',,my ,,dear1 ,,dear ,,father1 ',i know that what ,i am going to say will give you terrible pain1 and believe me1 it is only after hours of real agony in prayer for light that ,i have come to something of a decision4 ,not by the way that ,i have really come to a decision at all1 for ,i shall take no step1 now or at any time1 without consulting you first4 ,please1 please1 believe that4 ,but ,i feel ,i must tell you definitely that it seems to me very likely that ,i shall make my submission to the ,church of ,rome4' 7',make his submission6'--do you notice that8 ,submit to the ,devil6 ,our ,paul67 ',i do not love our ,lord one whit less than ,i ever did2 indeed ,i think ,i love ,him more4 ,it is because ,i love ,him that ,i shall take this step1 if ,i feel it to be finally right4 ,if ,i go1 ,i shall go because it seems to me to be ,his ,will and that the ,catholic ,church is ,his one ,true ,church4 ,i know you will find it all but impossible to understand1 but1 dear father1 for ,god's sake believe me when ,i say that ,i believe ,i go to ,him because ,he is the ,truth and because ,i believe that that is ,his ,truth4' ',truth6' ,that tissue of lies and ,devil's deceits6 ,oh1 the power of the old ,enemy6 ,i would never have believed it possible of our boy1 the son of our prayers1 our ,paul4 ,but no son of mine---- ,father1 father1 don't6 ,for my sake1 stop4 ,he won't go--he can't go4 ,you will be able to talk to him4 ,he knows the ,word of ,god too well to be led so awfully astray4 ,don't get angry1 dearest1 don't1 ,i beg you4 ,it--it'll pass1 this trial4 ,it breaks my heart to see you look like that4 ,my heart is broken already1 ,i think1 ,clara4 ',his one true ,church6' ,if anyone had told me that ,paul1 ,paul---- ,father1 let's pray4 ,god will help us4 ,he won't allow the ,devil to take our boy4 ,let's pray1 and trust ,him1 dearest4 ,he's never failed us yet4 ,do you remember when ,paul was so ill---- ,and once more1 this time together1 father and mother cried upon their ,god4 7#b7 ,that night1 too1 as if the odd development of life wished to make a secret jest of it1 ,edith ,thornton made her great resolve4 ,she put on her coat and hat1 made an excuse about some ,christmas shopping1 and went out into the foggy air4 ,the shop-fronts were gay and tempting1 but she had no eyes for them to-night4 ,edward ,street was full of hurrying foot passengers1 intent on their own business1 but cheerful with the good-will of the season when they blundered into each other or dropped their parcels4 ,she steered through them scarcely aware that they were there4 ,her own eyes1 if any had looked into them1 would have revealed a tension of spirit and a high purpose which accounted for all that4 ,deep down in her1 unreasoning and unreasonably1 she knew that she was about no light adventure4 ,yet it was all so absurdly simple and commonplace4 ,in ,wellington ,road the stripped trees dripped gloomily in the dark4 ,little sharp pats of falling moisture were distinctly audible on the carpet of dead leaves that strewed the long old-fashioned gardens on either side4 ,this street1 but little used1 was almost deserted1 and the lamps gleamed at rare intervals4 ,edith lived1 as it were1 from lamp-post to lamp-post4 ,she bade her unwilling feet reach that next one1 and that next1 and that next2 and so she passed4 ,within ,st4 ,patrick's ,roman ,catholic ,church lights shone gaily4 ,the building1 of no great size1 laid no claim to architectural glory and harboured no air of mystery or double-dealing4 ,but ,edith's heart beat fiercely as she went up the path4 ,in the porch1 she stared at the untidy notice-board stuck with black-edged funeral cards requesting prayers for the dead1 at the poster of a ,new ,year whist drive1 and at the stoup of holy water4 ,this ,christ's ,church6 ,but even as she looked1 her simple mind swiftly adjusted values4 ,paul's letters1 and her own secret reading1 had taught her to do so4 ,she understood how one might1 for example1 come to believe in prayers for the dead1 and how1 if so1 there would be nothing against printed reminders1 and how1 if so1 such reminders would naturally be placed in the church and might1 equally naturally1 get a little dirty4 ,holy water too2 well1 it was in the ,old ,testament1 more or less1 and its saving logic adumbrated in the ,new4 ,but the whist drive was a stickler4 ,would the ,apostles have tolerated cards8 444 ,but she would go through with her visit of enquiry now4 ,she pushed open the door and looked in4 ,then1 with a quick little gesture1 entered1 and let it swing to behind her4 ,and there she stood1 looking curiously round the place1 with that unreasoning fear taking ever more steadily possession of her heart4 ,the altar was lit with many candles4 ,she stared at it almost literally with a sort of horror1 as if it were a monstrous thing4 ,the statues about1 the odd pictures1 the praying people here and there1 even the entry of a man into a confessional and the fleeting glimpse of the head and shoulders of the priest1 were small things4 ,that altar stood to her for everything4 ,authority1 logic1 history--what were they to a girl8 ,oh1 well1 these had a place1 perhaps2 she liked to hear ,paul speak of them2 she assented to what he had to say2 but one thing more than any other had gripped her1 how or why she knew not1 in all this strange talk of this incredible religion4 ,the ,baby in the ,manger1 the ,sacrament on the altar--suppose that were true8 ,and she had come to see2 come up out of ,galilee of the ,gentiles to ,jerusalem that is from above2 come up from afar like the ,wise ,kings4 ,where is ,he that is born ,king of the ,jews8 she asked1 trembling1 in her heart4 ,here6 ,what1 among those candles1 under that strange canopy--,he8 ,so she stood hesitating4 ,an old woman1 bent1 clean1 made a deep curtsey in the aisle and came noisily down to the door4 ,as she passed ,edith1 she looked up1 surveyed her for a moment1 and smiled4 ,a happy ,christmas1 honey1 she said4 ,go forward1 and sit down4 ,himself is waiting you4 ,edith smiled an answer1 mechanically4 ,she did not question the odd saying4 ,neither then nor later did she doubt that the thing was a miracle4 ,she went forward4 ,himself is waiting you1 she repeated wonderingly4 ,it was as if a deep musical bell had pealed within her1 and a whole sweet carillon broken out4 ,himself is waiting you1 ,himself is waiting you1 ,himself is waiting you1 rang the merry bells4 ,she actually flushed a little4 ,she sat down in a pew and stared at the altar4 ,amid a host of confused unknown objects which shone and blended the one in the other1 she perceived a kind of box4 ,it had curtains1 she saw1 and they were drawn4 ,why drawn8 ,her eyes wandered upwards4 ,she perceived that from the four corners sprang metals which met above after an interval and upheld a cross4 ,the little gold1 shining thing held her for a moment4 ,then she looked into the space beneath4 ,candlelight gleamed1 sparkled1 leapt1 on a brilliant1 glittering something not unlike a vase filled with scintillating flowers4 ,in the very heart of the flowers gleamed a living white4 ,she stared at it4 ,and then1 suddenly1 all untaught1 she knew4 ,himself is waiting you2 ,himself is waiting you2 ,himself is waiting you--lower and even lower1 a faint whisper of music1 the little peal rang on4 ,but she did not believe 444 ,yet for centuries on centuries1 ,paul had said1 men had thought 444 ,martyrs had died 444 ,saints had seen4444 ,he8 ,well1 a ,baby4444 ,like her last-arrived sister1 tiny1 puckered1 remote1 dear4 ,he8 ,suppose that that small white circle was a little window1 through which her soul could pass2 could pass and pass2 to ,his embrace1 ,his tone1 ,his heart4444 ,slowly1 very slowly1 ,edith ,thornton1 who envied dear1 eager1 clever ,paul since he had so much to give1 slipped forward en her knees1 and closed her eyes4 ,and then1 in the fragrant1 gleaming silence of her mind1 there arose a little fear4 ,she watched it come4 ,it was very small at first1 like a man's hand4 ,only it grew and grew1 till it filled all her gaze and thundered in her soul's ear4 ,wave on wave it thundered1 thundered and broke1 this overwhelming mastery of fear4 ,and she knew quite well why she was afraid4 ,her soul had passed through the little door1 but it was lonely there4 ,paul1 ,paul1 dear1 dear ,paul6 she cried1 striving so hard to see him4 ,paul6--the echoes went wandering down the corridors of her soul1 and came reverberating back to her4 ,she was alone--alone4 ,and the light died1 and the music died1 and she was very sore afraid4 ,and then ,he came4 ,walking through the dark ,he came1 seeking her4 ,she saw ,him1 only there was no sight4 ,the very scent of ,his robes was sweet1 only there was no smell4 ,he spoke1 too2 clearer than the noise of the water-floods that drowned her1 louder than the great winds roaring through the lashed ,hursley pines1 she heard ,him1 only there was no sound4 ,and she knew what ,he said1 only there was no thought4 ,it is ,i1 ,he said1 ,i1 ,i2 be not afraid4 ,she gripped the feet of ,him1 and marvelled as she did so that they should tread her down so ruthlessly1 so immeasurably happy4 ,and she cried up to ,him--,paul1 ,paul6 ,oh1 ,master1 give me ,paul6 ,don't take ,paul away6 ,i can't live without ,paul6 ,daughter1 ,he said1 it is ,i--,i2 be not afraid4 ,she sobbed2 she choked with sobs4 ,paul6 she tried to cry1 ,oh ,master1 dear dear ,master1 give me ,paul--,paul6 ,and the sound1 that was no sound1 echoed away and away and out on great mountain places1 vast and bare4 ,the ,white ,feet slowly died between her hands4 ,she looked up4 ,it is ,i1 ,he whispered1 bending over her4 ,she looked right into ,his eyes1 down1 down1 down4 ,she had not thought death could be so unutterably sweet4 ,she felt a hand on her shoulder4 ,can ,i do anything for you8 said a man's voice4 ,please excuse me asking1 only you seemed in trouble4 ,she felt ashamed because her face was wet with tears4 ,also she did not know what to say4 ,long afterwards1 she realised that what she had said was a second miracle4 ,father1 please1 she said1 like a child1 ,i want to--to come in4 7#c7 ,paul himself that night1 whose soul's welfare was already so great a trouble to so may diverse persons1 was1 almost for the first time1 not thinking of religion at all4 ,to his lips the gods were early lifting the immortal chalice in whose draught lies utter bitterness4 ,that which had been to him a kind of visionary thing1 a holy grail floating on light between heaven and earth1 had taken form between his hands4 ,he had1 indeed1 hoped for something one day of the sort1 but not that the laurel leaves should be plucked for his head before he had even taken his degree4 ,true1 they were as yet in shadow rather than in substance1 but others were seeing that crowning shadow even more than he4 ,he was by this time in his last year1 in the first autumn term of it1 and that very term a firm of publishers had accepted his first book of poems4 ,tressor's name had brought it within the range of practical politics1 but since then one or two critics had read the boy's verse and offered the usual qualified praise4 ,but in the qualifications ran a sincere note4 ,it had impressed the publishers4 ,they had consented to publish at their own expense1 and had even offered a royalty after a sale which they had estimated at the outside possible probability4 ,for ,paul's first cheque bugles should blow--in fairyland4 ,but then ,paul was already in fairyland4 ,manning had suggested that the success of ,the ,literary ,lounge warranted an annual dinner1 and ,donaldson had added the corollary that this triumph of the club's first president ought to be celebrated in town4 ,the idea suggested1 it had seemed obvious and inevitable4 ,term over1 ,paul had gone down to ,manning's home in ,oxfordshire for a fortnight or so1 and now both had come up together for the celebration4 ,paul was ,manning's guest at the ,balmoral for the night1 and a private dining-room had been engaged at an hotel on the river side of the ,strand4 ,finally1 that there should be no lack of glory1 ,tressor himself was the guest of the evening4 ,the evening ,manning and ,paul arrived there was a wonderful sunset1 as if the heaven itself would fling an earnest of the boy's success across the world4 ,from the ,strand1 the great golden glow seemed to burn behind the ,admiralty ,arch1 far off1 behind the ,park and the great ,palace4 ,the spire of ,st4 ,martin's and the incredible globe on the top of the ,coliseum caught its radiance1 and1 looking east1 the whole faade of the busy street shone with that unimaginable radiance4 ,the great central column of the ,square burgeoned black and monstrous against it4 ,whitehall was an avenue of glory washed with fairy gold4 ,yet it was things undistinguished and unbeautiful in themselves that gave the best effects4 ,slipping through back streets to ,leicester ,square1 the two friends were now and again brought to a complete stop4 ,between the great bulk of a towering house utterly blocked in with shadow and some tawdry outpost of a spreading theatre splashed with advertisement1 they would see a patch of sky twisted into writhen cloud1 royal1 amber1 impenetrable4 ,some ,titan1 striding through the heavenlies1 had flung his ,bacchic scarf from him4 ,stained with the purple of his feast1 it fell across the world1 an orange symbol of drunken ecstasy4 ,said ,paul3 ,manning1 ,god gave us eyes to see that4 ,the other's face remained immobile4 ,it was odd to see how that splendour shone on his hair and eyes1 odd1 ,paul thought1 because his friend's face was hard1 and no less hard for that caress4 ,surely you must think so6 he exclaimed4 ',i am all that has been and that is and that shall be1 and no mortal has ever raised my veil1' quoted ,manning4 ,paul looked up and away4 ,we cannot even touch it1 he said suddenly4 ,i've never thought of that4 ,a suggestion of the after-glow still hung suspended in the sky as he bathed and dressed4 ,he ran his blind up to see it as he stood in his shirt-sleeves before the glass4 ,but even the poet in him could not be holden by such beauty to-night4 ,the earth was too real beneath his feet4 ,it was so wonderful that he1 ,paul ,kestern1 should be standing dressing there4 ,memories came and went like meteors through his mind4 ,he remembered his first sonnet4 ,he remembered how1 for the first time1 in the harsh atmosphere of a school class-room and through the1 to him1 uncertain medium of a ,latin poet1 the first glimpse of fairy lands forlorn had come to him1 and the magic casement opened4 ,a new master had found them plodding wearily through ,horace and had1 by an impulse1 stayed the halting construe of--of--7yes1 it was old ,lammick2 he thought he had forgotten ,lammick67--of ,lammick1 to render the thing himself4 ,as he spoke1 it was plain that he had forgotten the boys1 and so far as ,paul was concerned1 he had very soon forgotten the master4 ,only he saw the old ,roman singing woven words of music about unutterable things4 ,and he saw himself going up for his scholarship exam4 ,he had painstakingly read ,macaulay's essays in the train for style4 ,he remembered putting his old ,waterbury on the desk before him so that each question might have fifteen minutes4 ,he remembered--oh1 he remembered the look of the commons on his first breakfast table1 a ploughed field the first time he walked to ,coton1 the stained glass in the ,round ,church ,east window seen from the ,union writing-room1 villas in the ,cherry ,hinton ,road1 a print on ,david's stall in the market-place1 rain on ,garret ,hostel ,bridge1 ,clare ,avenue one very early morning4 ,then he saw1 suddenly1 grotesquely stretched bodies and legs1 sprawled fervently by praying men in the ,henry ,martyn ,hall4 ,he heard one of them speak3 ,o ,god1 make all slack men keen4 ,paul chuckled to himself1 because he loved it so4 ,then he wished vividly and acutely that he had finally rewritten that line in the proof of his book4 ,it was about brown withered ivy on the trunk of a pine in ,hursley ,woods4 ,there was a little curl of brown hair too that slipped always under ,edith's ear4 ,he would give her the first copy himself1 if he had to go to ,claxted personally and especially to do it4 ,he would give it her in ,hursley ,woods4 ,no he wouldn't2 he would give it her in ,lambeth ,court4 ,he would take her for a walk4 ,they would go past the ,south ,pole4 ,they would walk up to the lamp-post1 and he would hand her the book4 ,that's yours1 he would say1 all of it4 ,and ,i still want to preach in ,lambeth ,court though ,i did write it4 ,now what do you say8 ,paul began to sing the ,glory ,song4 ,manning put his head in4 ,great ,scott1 ,paul1 he said1 what's all the noise about8 ,paul flushed guiltily4 ,then he laughed4 ,i can't help it1 ,manning1 he said4 ,i feel too bucked for words4 ,i know ,i'm quite mad1 but ,i can't help it4 ,and it was jolly threading the busy ,christmas streets in a taxi1 arriving at the hotel door1 having a man in uniform open it for you so importantly1 hearing the girl in the office tell the page to take the gentlemen to the ,literary ,lounge dining-room1 and the finding of it full of men awaiting them4 ,there was ,donaldson1 explosive but genial1 warmed with excitement already4 ,hullo1 ,kestern6 ,damned glad to see you again4 ,i say1 ,i congratulate you1 you know1 but didn't ,i always say you'd do it8 ,and ,strether1 looking big and ungainly in his black clothes that never fitted particularly1 but smiling grimly4 ,felicitations1 ,kestern1 and all that sort of thing4 7,by ,gad1 ,gussie1 felicitations6 ,keep that for your speech1 old horse4 ,what's that8 ,always making a row8 ,ha1 ha1 ha--that's damned good6 ,good old ,gussie67 ,tressor put ,paul at his ease4 ,he was so big and smiling2 he talked so easily2 it was all so natural to him4 ,he was on ,paul's right1 of course1 and ,paul could look past him1 down the table1 at them all1 ,manning at the other end1 glancing up now and again1 with a reassuring nod4 ,judson1 by the way1 was there1 for he had insisted on admission to the club and had turned out the coolest critic of them all4 ,paul smiled to see how he enjoyed himself2 and he drank his unaccustomed wine and leaned back in his chair at last1 when he had made his speech1 with all self-consciousness gone from him4 ,but it was hard to sit still and listen to ,tressor4 ,the chief guest of the evening rose to respond to the toast in his slightly heavy way1 but he smiled down the disordered table and met the eyes turned to him as if he were no more than an undergraduate himself4 ,he talked of the college and of literature1 as he was in duty bound to do2 he introduced an anecdote or two2 at last he turned slightly to ,paul4 ,well1 at any rate1 they had reason to hope great things from the president4 ,he might perhaps say there that from the first he had detected in the verses the president had been good enough to show him1 the true mark1 the real spirit of a poet4 ,he was very grateful for the part he had been able to play in advising and reading1 but it was genuine recognition that had led to the acceptance for publication of the book which they all expected so eagerly4 ,it was a first book1 and a youthful book1 but he was not exaggerating when he said that he looked forward to the day when they would all be proud of having been among the first to recognise the author's undoubted genius and greet his first appearance in print4 ,he anticipated that1 in the days to come1 they would remember this night with real pride4 ,he thanked the club for having invited him to share in that4 ,they had been good enough to say that they were honoured by his presence1 but he assured them that he felt honoured to be there4 ,they toasted him4 ,they toasted ,paul4 ,they toasted each other4 ,excitement1 the toasts1 the ring of friendly faces1 the hot room1 his own achievement--all these things intoxicated ,paul4 ,tressor left4 ,donaldson proposed a music hall2 ,paul hardly realised that he agreed4 ,in ,leicester ,square1 people smiled as they tumbled out of their taxis1 and the lights were blurred4 ,paul scarcely knew where he was till he found himself in the stalls4 ,then came the gradual awakening4 ,they were too near the footlights for one thing4 ,the orchestra blared and crashed at them1 and the solemn1 tired faces of the men behind the fiddles began to obsess ,paul4 ,they laughed at no jokes1 these fellows4 ,they had heard them all a score of times before4 ,there was no honest laughter on the stage1 and ,donaldson1 next him1 lolled about and held his sides at a painted travesty of humour4 ,when a turn allowed1 these performers crept out by a small black hole and returned presently wiping their lips4 ,of course1 it was1 it had to be1 a business1 but ,paul saw it all through innocent eyes4 ,essential glory had glowed upon him from the sky2 genuine tributes had blessed him on ,tressor's lips2 this began to shape itself as a horrible thing4 ,the great curtain went up and down inexorably4 ,in the dazzling glow of the searchlights a couple of dancers pirouetted before him1 painted1 half-naked4 ,his own face flushed2 he glanced guiltily round4 ,by ,gad1 look at that girl's thighs1 whispered ,donaldson4 ,strether was bolt upright1 cynical1 his lips pursing in a way he had4 ,the light glowed red1 shadowed4 ,in and out of the shadows1 while the music rose and fell1 those white legs twinkled and danced4 ,now back1 now out again4 ,a twirl of short skirts1 and in a cascade of white1 one throws herself backward in a man's arms4 ,paul seemed to meet her eyes as she looked out across the footlights1 with the powder and rouge on her cheeks and her bosom all but bared4 ,thunder of applause2 smiles1 bows1 a hand-in-hand appearance in the naked light of the great hall2 ,donaldson half on his feet1 staring2 even ,judson clapping vigorously4 ,paul turned to ,manning4 ,i'm going1 he said thickly4 ,i must1 ,manning4 ,the other looked at him closely4 ,i'll come too1 he said1 and rose4 ,i don't want to see any more4 ,no1 no1 said ,paul1 vehemently1 ,i'd rather go alone4 ,do you mind1 ,manning8 ,i'm all right1 only ,i'd like to walk back4 ,manning nodded4 ,i see1 he said4 ,we'll meet at breakfast4 ,good-night4 ,oh1 ,i say1 damn it all1 you can't go1 ,paul4 ',tisn't done1 my dear chap4 ,eyes in the boat1 four6 ,sit still1 sir4 ,shut up1 whispered ,paul savagely4 ,everybody can hear you4 ,let me get out of this4 ,the loungers in the promenade looked at him curiously4 ,a girl nudged against him2 ,get me a drink1 dear1 she said in a low tone1 and even half-rested a hand upon his arm4 ,a feeling of all but physical sickness nauseated the boy4 ,in the cloak-room1 he thought that the attendant leered at him4 ,in the street he dared not look at the folk lingering and passing below the steps4 ,swiftly1 drinking great draughts of the night air1 he set off home4 ,it was drizzling slightly1 but he did not notice it4 ,staring straight ahead1 he found himself hardly able to think1 only dimly aware of street-lamps and great1 black1 velvet spaces4 ,he was plainly not to be accosted in ,piccadilly4 ,in ,knightsbridge1 the streets emptier1 he began to feel released4 ,but not till he was in his own room at the hotel1 and had thrown off his coat and bathed his face and sunk by his bed with his head in his hands1 was he able to formulate his thoughts4 ,then they came1 in a torrential flood4 ,he1 ,paul ,kestern1 called of ,god1 destined for the ministry1 even now at odds in his own inmost heart and with his best-beloved parents for the truth of ,christ1 had been drunk and had gone to a music hall4 ,he was all superlatives and saw no door of escape for his soul4 ,but to do him justice1 it was not his own soul that he worried about4 ,he scarcely thought of himself4 ,he had indeed been thinking of himself most of the evening1 but now he thought of his ,master4 ,one is your ,master1 even ,christ4 ,his tortured conscience painted vividly to him the scene upon which he had dwelt often enough--the open courtyard2 the fire in the corner1 where the light leaped and danced on wall and gate2 the sudden opening of a door2 the buzz of voices1 cries1 torch-lights2 the coward ,apostle starting to his feet1 while the guard felt for spears and came to attention2 the passing of a young erect ,figure with set face1 ,whose cheek was already reddened with a blow2 and the turning of the head1 so that the eyes of prisoner and betrayer met on an instant4 ,he1 ,paul1 had forgotten his ,master4 ,he1 ,paul1 had denied his ,master4 ,he1 ,paul1 had been shown the kingdoms of the world and the glory of them1 and had fallen at the feet of the tempter4 ,peter had gone out and wept bitterly1 with the memory of a look4 ,paul1 then1 tried to pierce the darkness and see4 ,he did not sit by the fire and wait2 he was up1 in his soul1 and out1 searching for ,him4 ,in broken sentences1 he was crying his confession1 renewing his pledges1 seeking for pardon4 ,but it was to-night as though for long he sought in vain4 ,wash me1 and ,i shall be whiter than snow1 he prayed1 and ,manning's voice came echoing back3 ,how in the world can blood wash me clean8 ,he turned to stray phrases of the old hymns3 ,while others ,thou art saving1 do not pass me by1 and ,mr4 ,stuart presented himself before him1 suave1 smiling1 and with the ghost of a voice3 ,well1 dear boys1 have you given your hearts to ,jesus8 ,is there one here who has not8 ,he writhed upon the rack4 ,he hated himself for all that he would not allow himself to think4 ,somehow ,father ,vassall crept into his mind1 sitting in his old arm-chair at the presbytery in his ancient cassock1 smoking a cigarette1 looking at him with kindly eyes through the smoke4 ,concubinage is a regular thing in ,spain1 said a clear1 scholarly voice1 with just that suspicion of veiled triumph in it that had goaded the boy to madness in the train4 ,she has g-g-gentle fingers that nevertheless d-d-draw men to ,god4 ,father ,vassall had quoted the words once1 with his little stammer that somehow did away with all suspicion of effeminacy4 ,the specks of light ceased to dance before ,paul's closed eyes4 ,it was as if he was in a very wide room4 ,he grew still4 ,his mind settled down to the great question4 ,did ,god really will that men should come to ,him that way8 ,what if he took a step forward8 ,faith is a step in the dark4 ,in the dark8 ,but this was light6 ,that glare over the footlights1 that searching limelight1 that had been darkness4 ,in an audible whisper1 his face hidden in his hands upon his bed1 ,paul made his experiment4 ,hail ,mary 7he whispered7 full of grace1 the ,lord is with thee2 blessed art thou among women1 and blessed is the fruit of thy womb1 ,jesus4 ,well1 but that was merely a confession of faith that he might have made at any time4 ,there was more4 ,should he dare it8 ,holy ,mary--it was like a solemn oath--,mother of ,god1 pray for us sinners1 now1 and in the hour of our death4 ,amen4 ,silence1 above1 about1 beneath4 ,a veil of silence4 ,but there was peace in the silence1 surely1 surely1 the peace of ,god4 ,in the silence1 ,paul ,kestern crept into bed1 and believed himself comforted4 7#d7 ,a few hours before1 at ,claxted1 ,madeline ,ernest had been sitting alone by the fire1 putting a few finishing touches to a blouse4 ,it was a ,christmas present for ,ethel ,cator1 and it had to be finished that night4 ,that was the worst of making ,christmas presents4 ,in a way it was rather fun1 but before you had finished1 the days had nearly always all but run out and you had to go on working when you were tired4 ,madeline was tired1 but she wished she could afford to buy presents4 ,also to buy a few more things for herself--some silk stockings1 for example2 she put her head on one side to consider that4 ,she looked very pretty as she did so4 ,the lamplight shone on her fair abundant hair and her white skin4 ,big eyes1 too1 she had1 and lovely lashes4 ,it was a pity there was nobody more appreciative than the old purring tabby by the fire to see her4 ,she dabbed with her needle once or twice1 and lifted the shining stuff4 ,through her pretty head a current of thoughts was flowing inconsequently4 ,then the door opened1 and ,mrs4 ,ernest came in4 ,mrs4 ,ernest was short1 comfortably stout1 a little bent4 ,she had been pretty1 and she was growing grey4 ,she was almost always tired1 and with good reason4 ,mr4 ,ernest was not even a ,vicar1 and1 truth to tell1 she had ceased to hope that he ever would be4 ,still working1 ,madeline8 ,yes1 mother4 ,i must finish this4 ,ethel always sends me something and ,i must remember her4 ,have you put the clean things away8 ,no4 ,i'm so sorry4 ,i'll go at once4 ,i forgot all about them4 ,never mind4 ,sit down a minute4 ,madeline1 have you heard about ,paul8 ,what1 mother8 ,madeline bent earnestly over her work4 ,he's written a book of poems and it's going to be published early next year4 ,mrs4 ,kestern told me this afternoon4 ,mother6 ,you don't say so4 ,how splendid6 ,the girl flushed with genuine pleasure and excitement4 ,yes1 dear4 ,he is clever1 is ,paul4 ,i expect he'll do great things one day4 ,the eyes of mother and daughter met4 ,i always thought so1 said ,madeline4 ,mrs4 ,ernest sat down in an arm-chair1 and reached for her work-basket4 ,she opened it with a little sigh4 ,there were always socks or stockings in it1 and no more than her daughter did she like mending them4 ,she threaded her needle1 and fitted the wooden heel into a sock4 ,father had a talk with ,mr4 ,kestern this morning1 she said1 vaguely4 ,madeline straightened out her work4 ,yes8 she queried1 critically1 as if to the blouse4 ,yes4 ,mr4 ,kestern is troubled about ,paul4 ,really8 ,why8 ,he's getting ,high ,church4 ,well1 what about it8 ,i like things a bit higher than father and ,mr4 ,kestern myself4 ,i know4 ,you are so musical4 ,i wish ,tom didn't wear out his socks quite so fast4 ,but ,paul's getting very ,high ,church4 ,very8 ,madeline looked up meditatively4 ,yes1 very4 ,of course your father would not wish you to know anything4 ,mr4 ,kestern told him privately4 ,he's very worried about it4 ,it's that ,father ,vassall1 said ,madeline4 ,how do you know about ,father ,vassall8 ,paul told me4 ,he likes him very much4 ,well1 ,i'm sure it would be too dreadful for the ,kesterns if ,paul became a ,roman ,catholic4 ,it won't matter much if he's a poet4 ,madeline6 ,it would4 ,i'm sure ,roman ,catholicism is very dreadful--there's the confessional4 ,though ,i must say it's worse for a woman than a man4 ,and the ,pope too4 ,but that's the point4 ,suppose ,paul became a priest4 ,they'll get him if they can4 ,jesuits always try for clever young men4 ,madeline laughed4 ,mother6 ,as if ,paul would be a ,roman ,catholic priest6 ,why not8 ,father says he would not be surprised4 ,well1 ,i should4 ,paul6 ,he's so very evangelical4 ,i know4 ,but---- 7,there was a little pause47 ,madeline1 does he see much of that girl1 ,edith ,thornton8 ,the girl put down her work and looked into the fire4 ,she was silent4 ,oh1 ,i don't know1 she exclaimed suddenly4 ,well1 dear1 ,i've thought once or twice he looked at her rather as if he liked her4 ,i'm sure ,i don't know what he can see in her4 ,but of course if he's a priest1 he won't be able to marry at all4 ,no1 mother1 ,i suppose not4 ,well1 my dear1 ,i think it would be terrible for the ,kesterns1 ,paul doing so well and all4 ,just too terrible4 ,i am sure all their friends ought to try and prevent it4 ,and if he becomes an author too1 he's not likely to be a missionary after all4 ,he ought to be a great preacher one day1 and if he writes as well1 ,i suppose it would help a great deal4 ,yes1 ,i suppose it would4 ,the girl propped her head on her hands1 and stared into the flames4 ,mrs4 ,ernest finished her sock4 ,what's the time8 she asked4 ,the girl looked up4 ,ten o'clock1 she said4 ,dear1 you ought to be going up4 ,you look tired4 ,give me a kiss1 ,madeline4 ,for once1 the girl got up at once and went over to her mother4 ,mrs4 ,ernest put her arms round her1 and smoothed back her hair4 ,she sighed4 ,i do hope you'll be happy1 she said4 ,i'm sure ,i don't want anything except the best for my girl4 ,i know1 mumsie4 ,don't worry1 darling4 ,no1 dear1 ,i won't4 ,only---- ,dear girl1 ,i expect ,paul is very easily led4 ,that ,father ,vassall now4 ,and a good woman can have such an influence on a man1 ,madeline4 ,the girl kissed her again1 and hid her face on her shoulder4 ,your father and ,i have prayed for you ever since you were a wee girl1 darling1 that you might marry the right man4 ,good-night1 dear child4 ,good-night1 mumsie4 ,is daddy in the study8 ,yes1 dear4 ,tell him it's ten1 will you8 ,paul comes home to-morrow1 ,madeline4 ,does he8 ,yes4 ,take those cards round to the ,kesterns in the afternoon1 will you4 ,if you see him1 tell him how pleased we are about the book4 ,yes4 ,good-night1 mother4 ,good-night1 dear4 ,sleep sound4 ,madeline undressed slowly4 ,then she slipped on her dressing-gown and knelt by her bed4 ,she habitually said the prayers that she had said since she was a little girl1 and she said them now4 ,but she said them a little more slowly than usual1 and when she had finished1 she did not jump at once between the sheets as she usually did4 ,she knelt on1 thinking4 ,she did not want to be a clergyman's wife anywhere really1 in ,england or abroad4 ,yet she couldn't tell ,god that4 ,but she did want to be a successful author's wife1 only she could not tell ,god that either4 ,she had never even told ,god properly about ,paul1 partly because she had never known quite what to tell4 ,now1 however1 she was realising just what it would mean to her if he became a ,roman ,catholic priest1 utterly preposterous as it seemed4 ,besides1 in her heart of hearts1 it did not seem quite so preposterous as she had said4 ,paul was like that4 ,also1 he was rather nice4 ,such a boy4 ,much to good for that ,edith ,thornton1 only that also you couldn't tell ,god4 ,and then1 quite suddenly1 she did begin to tell ,god things4 ,she really prayed4 ,she said she was sorry for lots of things and that she would give them up4 ,she prayed not to be always wanting nice clothes1 and she prayed to have more faith4 ,it was an expression1 and she used it as such4 ,for more grace too1 she prayed1 not really knowing what grace might be4 ,and she meant that also4 ,but her soul1 not very big1 at the best1 truly immolated itself1 and she did the very utmost she could with it4 ,and when she had leaped upon the altar as well as she was able1 and had gashed herself with great horrid knives of renunciation1 she preferred her request4 ,make ,paul love me1 ,o ,god1 she whispered1 and make me love him very1 very much4 ,so1 then1 at last1 the pall of deep night settled down on half the world4 ,even ,donaldson got to bed somehow4 ,manning1 like ,paul1 walked back under the stars1 whistling gently to himself in the more empty stretches4 ,the dancer who had looked at ,paul across the footlights slept1 and the girl who had asked for a drink4 ,yet dancing and drinking and praying never cease altogether1 nor does the voiceless cry of the world ever cease to echo through the silences4 ,,chapter ,,vii ,,thurloe ,,end ,,madman4 ,the wild duck1 stringing through the sky1 ,are south away4 ,their green necks glitter as they fly1 ,the lake is grey4 ,so still1 so lone1 the fowler never heeds4 ,the wind goes rustle1 rustle1 through the reeds4 99 99 99 99 99 ,not thus1 not thus are the wild souls of men4 ,no peace for those ,who step beyond the blindness of the pen ,to where the skies unclose4 ,from them the spitting mob1 the cross1 the crown of thorns1 ,the bull gone mad1 the ,saviour on his horns4 ,,john ,,masefield3 ,good ,friday4 7#a7 ,mr4 ,kestern1 sir8 enquired the man1 outside the little country station4 ,paul nodded4 ,yes1 he said2 are you from ,father ,vassall8 ,yes1 sir4 ,been waiting 'arf an hower1 sir4 ,trains that late4 ,we've five mile to drive1 sir1 so if you'll get in4444 ,paul deposited his suitcase in the dog-cart and climbed on to the seat alongside the driver4 ,he was in the heart of the ,midlands1 and the lamps on the little country station were already being dimmed to save the ,company's oil1 since the next and last train of the day was not due for several hours4 ,outside the station enclosure1 lights behind the red blinds of an inn threw a glow on the hard road1 and from a cottage window or two came here and there a flicker2 but these passed1 they were speedily out into the open country4 ,trees loomed up against frosty stars2 but for the most part high hedges hid even the fields on either side the narrow lane4 ,a small moon1 low on the horizon1 swung up and down over them like a child's toy4 ,the beast between the shafts kept up a steady trot1 though now and again the steam of his exertion rose mistily in the radiance of the poor lamps of the dog-cart as he ploughed uphill at a walk4 ,by his side1 ,paul's driver soon relapsed into the monotonous silence of the country4 ,paul himself1 muffled up on his high seat1 swaying a little with the motion1 had time to think4 ,he was actually on his way to stay with ,father ,vassall1 and he was aware that he was in doubt as to the issue of his journey4 ,the last ,christmas vacation and the ensuing ,lent term had goaded him to the act4 ,christmas had been almost impossible at home1 and the ,lent term had shown him1 every day more clearly1 that he could not profess evangelical ,anglicanism as a minister and a missionary4 ,claxted had stung him into that conclusion on every side4 ,the atmosphere of the ,mission ,hall1 sincere1 earnest1 zealous as it was1 left him gasping now as a fish out of water4 ,he had stood on its platform and not known what to say4 ,the illogical inconclusiveness of the old attitude stared at him so starkly that he could no longer repeat the old shibboleths4 ,the sermon in which one expounded a text as if the phrases of it and the entire context had dropped1 verbally complete1 like the image of the great goddess ,diana1 from the skies1 and then exhorted1 in words made as vivid and as practical as possible1 to the vague sensationalism of ,come to ,jesus or ,accept ,salvation1 was now beyond him4 ,the thing1 left thus in the air1 had become meaningless to him1 and his very sincerity forbad his preaching anything in which he did not wholeheartedly believe4 ,the ,church and ,sacraments1 the old truths set in a practical system1 these seemed necessary to the ,gospel salvation4 ,yet a more thoughtful worker or two had already been offended by the vague and tentative phrasing in which he tried to hint at it4 ,or again1 though this he tried to suppress1 the gorge of the poet in him would rise now against ,moody and ,sankey or ,torrey and ,alexander4 ,metre and rhyme had come to be things that he could not help subconsciously analysing1 but it does not do to analyse mission hymn-books4 ,nor can one make a really successful evangelist if one is affected almost to desperation by a cornet out of tune1 or tracts for distribution that are neither ,english nor common sense4 ,lastly1 the home atmosphere was electric with disagreement4 ,he was out of tune with it all4 ,there seemed no longer anything to talk about at table4 ,mr4 ,kestern was not interested in literature and art2 with his politics ,paul1 feeling after ,socialism1 was in violent collision2 the parish was no longer his world2 and even into talk of the ,second ,coming of ,christ would creep the voice of criticism1 or into the ,islington ,conference the question of ,rome4 ,it was1 of course1 a common-place tragedy1 but that did not make it the less tragic4 ,the man had stood still1 and the boy had gone on4 ,also1 at the fork roads1 he had taken the unfamiliar turn4 ,full of it all1 then1 he was coming to stay with ,father ,vassall4 ,he had determined to do that this once at least4 ,he must talk things out with his friend4 ,but should they come to a conclusion1 and if so to what conclusion and with what results1 that was the question4 ,that's the 'ouse1 sir4 ,paul peered eagerly ahead4 ,he could make out a dark1 vague outline1 and a wall on the left4 ,wo-up1 beauty1 cried his driver to the horse4 ,they came to a standstill before a big iron gate between tall red-brick gate-posts4 ,paul climbed stiffly down1 and swung his bag out4 ,he found himself on a flagged path that ran up to a door set in a shallow portico in the front of a long1 low1 mellow ,queen ,anne house4 ,it was not too dark to see a solid cornice and parapet4 ,the bell's on the right1 sir1 said the voice at the gate4 ,i'll drive on round to the stable4 ,paul pulled the wrought-iron bell-pull1 and somewhere in the black recesses a bell jangled4 ,he heard a door open and the sound of feet4 ,all right1 ,bridget1 called a familiar voice2 ,i'll let him in4 ,a door opened somewhere4 ,a faint glimmer of moving light shone through the glass panes and drew nearer4 ,the front door swung open4 ,paul blinked in the light4 ,the priest stood with a lantern in his left hand4 ,he wore his cassock1 and was muffled in a cloak1 with a black skull-cap on his head4 ,his merry smiling face was turned up to ,paul1 clean shaven1 youthful looking1 the hair a little tumbled4 ,good evening1 ,father1 said ,paul4 ,sorry ,i'm late4 ,i've been longing to get here4 ,h-how are you8 exploded the priest4 ,c-come in4 ,it's splendid1 your c-coming4 ,paul passed in4 ,he had the odd thought that it was all part of a dream4 ,the passage was stone-flagged and the hall beautifully bare4 ,an oak bench ran along one wall4 ,there were a few carvings and weapons and curios about4 ,a sombre print or two hung opposite3 ,st4 ,francis ,xavier in a high biretta1 and an ,entombment4 ,the figure in black putting up the latch by the light of the lantern was medival and fantastic4 ,yet it was all real1 and it was real that he1 ,paul ,kestern1 was there at last1 in the house of a ,catholic priest4 ,come in1 said ,father ,vassall again4 ,you must be cold4 ,come and get warm before supper4 ,there's a t-t-topping fire in the p-parlour4 ,he led the way1 bustling forward with a swish of cassock1 welcoming1 kind4 ,paul entered the long low library1 hung with panels of green cloth1 and took in its satisfactory furnishing at a glance4 ,the room rested quietly1 waiting for him4 ,with a swift mental comparison1 he saw himself arriving at ,claxted instead4 ,then he1 too1 laughed eagerly1 and moved forward to the big open ,tudor fireplace4 ,a log burned there brightly1 the royal flames leaping in the iron grate behind a high screen4 ,a deep green-brocaded arm-chair stood back in an ingle1 a litter of papers on the rug near by1 a shaded candle in a tall twisted candlestick throwing a pool of light down upon them4 ,above the fireplace stood unfamiliar incongruous objects3 a white skull-cap that had been ,pius ,,ix4's1 in a glass-fronted box1 and a black ,madonna hung with beads4 ,there was an unframed water-colour too1 and a pencil sketch4 ,from the rug1 he turned to survey the room4 ,its bare wood floor reached out into the shadows1 save where a goat-skin caught the light4 ,bookcases with white shelves stood out from the walls4 ,on a stand in a window recess were tall lilies growing in a pot4 ,the marble head of ,bernard of ,clairvaux1 wrapt in contemplation1 stood on a bracket2 he could just see the aquiline nose1 and downcast eyes4 ,there was a solid narrow oak table with a chest below4 ,in a corner there was a hanging lamp1 burning dimly1 so that one could see to move over there4 ,it glinted on a grand piano4 ,a comfortable chintz-covered chair or two stood about4 ,his host pulled forward an arm-chair whose elbows ended in carved griffin-heads4 ,sit down1 he reiterated1 and toast yourself4 ,it is jolly to see you here4 ,how's ,c-,cambridge8 ,paul drew a deep breath and seated himself4 ,fine1 he said4 ,i suppose it exists1 by the way1 he went on1 with a laugh4 ,we went up four in the ,lents4 ,i say1 this is just heavenly4 ,good man4 ,have a cigarette4 ,supper won't be long4 ,are you very busy1 ,father8 ,we miss you awfully at ,cambridge4 ,when's the next book to appear8 ,i'm so b-b-busy ,i don't know what to do4 ,preaching nearly every ,sunday1 and lectures4 ,i've got to l-lecture to ,anglicans on ,m-,mysticism in t-town on ,monday4 ,oh1 ,i say1 they are coming in4 ,two conversions last week1 both c-clergymen and such good fellows4 ,and it's such fun here4 ,there's heaps to do yet4 ,you shall see to-morrow4 ,yes8 ,he nodded1 wrapping his hands in his cloak and laughing merrily4 ,of course1 when ,i came ,i built a chapel4 ,it's an old barn1 much older than the house1 thirteenth century they say4 ,it must have been a chapel before1 ,i think2 it feels like it4 ,well1 all the village talked1 of course4 ,p-,popish treason and p-plot6 ,bridget told me1 and ,tim2 all the servants are ,catholic you know4 ,but ,i wouldn't let anyone see it1 for ,i'm not here regularly enough to start a new church like that4 ,perhaps we'll have another priest one day1 and a ,mission4 ,of course1 if they enquire1 that's another story4 ,so1 last week when several of them came to ,tim and got him to ask me to have a service on ,sunday evening1 ,i did4 ,it was full2 p-packed4 ,the ,wesleyan local preacher came too4 ,we had ,b-,benediction4 ,oh1 you ought to have been here1 my dear4 ,they all sang ',star of the ,sea' b-b-beautifully6 ,it was so like ,father ,vassall1 ,paul thought4 ,he was as eager as a boy1 and the ,faith was a glorious kind of adventure with him4 ,there was no checking his enthusiasm4 ,in his company ,paul always felt as if he were living in the times of the ,apostles when ,christians were a little persecuted1 defiant1 daring band1 but the ,cross and the ,resurrection things of but yesterday4 ,and although he always had a sense that the world of thought and action in which the priest lived was utterly remote from the world of the average man1 still he had come to see that there was nothing of the poseur in his friend4 ,he did not pose as a medivalist2 he simply was one4 ,and he did not adapt his religion to the world2 he adapted his world to his religion4 ,it was on that platform that the two met so readily4 ,paul was utterly accustomed to that point of view4 ,only at ,claxted there was a different religion4 ,so now1 at once1 the little priest shot his swift question quite simply4 ,and how is it with you8 he asked4 ,have you decided to l-l-let yourself g-go8 ,not so differently does a ,salvationist ask a sinner at the penitent form if he is saved4 ,paul moved uneasily4 ,don't1 ,father1 he said2 don't ask me that yet4 ,i can't say4 ,i'm pulled all ways4 ,whenever ,i sit down to think1 a great tangle grows and weaves in my mind till ,i'm in despair at ever deciding anything4 ,father ,vassall nodded4 ,i know1 he said4 ,so it was with me4 ,you're on the r-rack4 ,every n-nerve gives you pain4 ,you've thought enough4 ,you know enough really4 ,if you went on reading and talking and arguing till d-d-doomsday1 you'd get no c-clearer4 ,you must turn simply to our ,lord and do ,his ,w-,will4 ,if ,i knew it6 ,the priest watched him in silence4 ,then he rose and felt for a cigarette4 ,you do know it1 he said4 ,what you don't know is whether you dare do it4 ,my father says ,i'm too young to make such a decision4 ,he wanted me to go and see ,prebendary---- ,father ,vassall interrupted him4 ,see no one1 he said4 ,don't see me if you like4 ,go away alone and ask our ,lord1 in the light of what ,he has shown you4 ,oh1 my dear6 ,it's as plain as the n-n-nose on your f-f-face6 ,my father says ,i'm utterly unstable and always changing my mind4 ,that's not t-t-true4 ,see here3 ,i know exactly what's happened to you4 ,what8 ,you began1 as a boy1 by turning to our ,lord with all the love of which your heart was capable4 ,you vowed to be ,his lover4 ,and ,he weighed you1 looked you through and through1 and accepted you4 ,step by step ,he led you on4 ,he showed you new things about ,himself as you were ready to bear them4 ,he trusted you4 ,he never left you4 ,and now at last1 ,he has shown you ,himself in ,his ,church4 ,you know ,he's there4 ,i believe1 in your heart of hearts1 you have faith4 ,and you hang back because you are afraid4 ,you ought to be a ,catholic4 ,you ought to be a religious1 a ,r-,redemptorist1 ,i think4 ,you're stamped and marked out for it4 ,there6 ,i've never said as much to anyone4 ,god help you4 ,he ended abruptly1 utterly earnest1 and stared at the fire1 stretching a hand out to it4 ,i shall break my father's heart4 ,how can ,i8 cried ,paul1 all the bitter agony of days at home and hours of prayer1 sweeping down upon him4 ,the priest made a gesture4 ,excuses4 ,you know that too4 ',he that loveth father or mother more than ,me444' ,and would you break ,his heart8 ,it's so cruel1 so awfully hard4 ,of course it's cruel4 ,wasn't the ,cross cruel8 ,do you think ,christianity is a d-drawing-room g-game8 ,it's fire4 ,it's a sword4 ,it's death or life4 ,good ,lord1 what else has it been from the first martyr to the last1 yesterday8 ,and you k-k-know it4 ,it's more than ,i can bear1 the boy burst out4 ,it's n-n-not1 stuttered the priest instantly4 ,our ,lord never offers anyone a heavier cross than he can b-b-bear4 ,the passion of the declaration silenced ,paul4 ,but only for a few seconds4 ,then the full force of what it would mean to his people overcame him4 ,you don't know my father1 he half whispered4 ,he says he would rather see me dead4 ,oh1 he says terrible things6 ,father1 he will see nothing1 nothing4 ,and he always harps on the strain of my past religious experiences4 ,i deny them1 he says1 if ,i become a ,catholic4 ,you do no such thing4 ,what does he himself think1 for example1 happened at your ,communions8 ,he thinks ,christ came to you spiritually and fed your s-s-soul with ,his ,s-,spirit4 ,and so ,he did4 ,the ,church doesn't deny that4 ,the ,church says you will receive something within her that outside they do not even pretend to give4 ,you are not asked to deny one whit of the past4 ,and you know that too4 ,paul sprang to his feet4 ,with you1 it looks inevitable4 ,you hypnotise me into believing4 ,but there are heaps of things to be said4 ,i do see the need for authority2 ,i do understand the reasonableness of the whole philosophy--from the ,incarnation to relics and indulgences--it's reasonable enough1 it's logical2 but is it true8 ,is ,peter true8 ,is the ,church what you say8 ,come to that1 is the ,gospel story itself true8 ,is it8 ,is it8 ,oh1 my ,god1 ,i would give everything to know6 ,he stood there1 hands flung out1 his whole soul in his face4 ,and as his tense voice ceased1 the silence of the room hemmed them in4 ,slowly ,father ,vassall got1 too1 to his feet4 ,they faced each other across the rug1 and the black ,madonna1 hung with dripping beads1 thrust her ,son out before them4 ,oh1 my dear1 ,i'm afraid for you6 whispered the priest1 staring4 ,afraid8 ,he nodded4 ,you see1 you have the soul of a r-religious and that's no t-t-trifle4 ,and there you dare to stand1 asking if the story of ,b-,bethlehem and ,c-,calvary is true6 ,well8 ,paul was defiant4 ,the priest crossed the room1 and came back from a little search on the table with a paper in his hand4 ,all the merriment had died out of his face2 it looked years older1 wan4 ,i w-want you to p-promise me something1 he said1 stammering much again in his emotion4 ,paul leant back against the mantelpiece1 wearily4 ,what1 ,father8 he asked2 ,i'll do anything ,i can4 ,you c-c-can do this1 ea-easily4 ,don't let's argue any more all the time you're here4 ,don't read books1 except the ,n-,n-,new ,t-,t-,testament4 ,and promise me to pray this every day in the chapel before the ,s-,sacrament with all your heart4 ,he held out a paper4 ,i've w-w-written it out for you1 he said4 ,paul took the half-sheet of notepaper1 written in the clear print of the priest's hand4 ,he read it through once1 and then he read it through again1 only1 this time1 the letters were a little blurred4 ,then he looked up at his friend4 ,father1 he said1 ,i can't help it4 ,i know this1 whatever anyone says4 ,you bring our ,lord to me as no one and nothing else has ever done4 ,ah1 then1 cried the priest1 if you turn back now6 ,bridget put her head in4 ,supper's ready1 your reverence1 she said4 ,father ,vassall nodded swiftly at her4 ,you promise8 he said1 turning to ,paul4 ,oh1 yes4 ,and you'll pray for me8 ,father ,vassall laughed meaningly4 ,come to supper1 he said gaily4 ,it's p-p-pork and b-b-beans4 ,but ,i can give you a glass of ,sp-,sp-,spanish ,b-,b-,burgundy6 7#b7 ,in the chapel that night ,paul prayed his prayer for the first time4 ,the priest walked in before him and showed him to his chair and a prayer-desk with a courtly little gesture4 ,the three servants sat behind4 ,a candle was already lit for ,paul1 and one burned also for the priest in his corner4 ,there was a white sanctuary lamp before the altar1 and a red one on the left4 ,otherwise there was no light4 ,prayers began with ,scripture reading4 ,father ,vassall had announced the fact with his odd air of almost playing with the thing4 ,we read the ,b-,b-,bible every night1 he had said4 ,do you m-m-mind8 ,we read for t-t-ten m-m-minutes6 ,paul had said1 smilingly1 that he did not mind4 ,so now he sat back in his chair and composed himself to listen and to look4 ,the priest opposite1 a little black hunched-up figure1 half turned on one side to allow the candlelight to fall on his book1 had announced3 ,the ,acts of the ,holy ,apostles and begun in a matter-of-fact1 rather rapid tone1 to read4 ,as when he preached1 so when he read1 he did not stammer1 being shortly utterly engrossed in his subject4 ,he read on1 chapter after chapter1 without break or division4 ,paul grew interested in the manner of it4 ,the narrative rolled out before him as a whole1 a simple1 nervous1 obvious story which singularly held even the attention of a listener who could have gone on1 pretty well1 wherever the reader had cared to stop4 ,but after a while the boy allowed his eyes to rove4 ,this story of ,peter's doings--odd1 how ,peter dominated the early chapters--did not somehow seem out of place here4 ,he began to apprise the details of the building and its furniture4 ,it was plainly a barn4 ,it had a barn roof of ancient unstained timber1 and a stone floor4 ,the windows were irregular1 uncurtained2 he saw his little moon again1 steady now1 shining through the bare casement1 just touching rough beams that spanned the irregular rectangle as a rood-screen4 ,in the centre rose a cross with flanking figures4 ,they were rudely carved1 by the priest himself1 but there was death in the white nude body of the ,christ and passionate life in the upturned head of the ,mary4 ,john stood acquiescent2 ,paul wondered at his attitude4 ,it hid him2 perhaps there was conflict in his heart4 ,perhaps he understood4 ,perhaps1 if one understood1 conflict died down to peace4 ,the thin supports of the rood dropped down through the shadows to the floor4 ,a little figure stood half-way up one of them4 ,oh1 and in the corner1 between the far support and the wall1 stood another statue4 ,paul stared at it4 ,something writhed in the candlelight4 ,then he saw that it should do so4 ,st4 ,michael trod down the dragon there4 ,paul looked through the rood to the altar4 ,high hangings ran up into the canopy1 but it and they were lost in the shadows4 ,in the centre1 a cartoon was appliqud upon them2 a ,madonna and ,child2 it was just visible4 ,there were four candlesticks1 silver2 the candles were burned low in them4 ,a silver figure hung on an ebony cross--or it looked like ebony4 ,the tabernacle was a blur of white silk4 ,a white cloth glimmered there2 and below1 under the altar1 a row of painted carven shields4 ,paul could not distinguish more1 but he knew them4 ,he had seen ,father ,vassall at work upon them in his study at ,cambridge4 ,they emblazoned symbols of the ,passion4 ,then he began to concentrate on the gloom to the left1 where the red light burned4 ,the shadows were all confused and blurred4 ,there were irregular outlines1 streaks1 shadowy lines4 ,he puzzled out a small altar1 with tiny candlesticks and a biggish case upon it1 that shone fitfully4 ,the lines radiated from the case1 stuck through it1 behind it1 as though they were a bundle of spears4 ,spears6 ,it was a spear2 he could see1 now1 a gleam on the blade4 ,another was headed with a bunched object4 ,and then he knew4 ,a small ladder1 a sponge on a reed1 a spear1 a shorter stick dripping with the knotted cords of a scourge2 these he could see now4 ,and he knew too what the reliquary held4 ,if it was true1 that little heavily guarded splinter within had once been stained with the ,blood1 the real1 literal ,blood1 about which he had so often preached and sung4 ,just such thongs as those had bit into the reddening flesh1 curled and twisted and hissed on white thighs and shoulders that shrank to the utmost limit of the cords in the human writhe and agony of ,christ4444 ,but ,peter and the ,apostles answering1 said 7the reader read on73 ,we ought to obey ,god rather than men4 ,the ,god of our fathers hath raised up ,jesus1 whom you put to death1 hanging ,him upon a tree4 ,him hath ,god exalted with ,his right hand to be ,prince and ,saviour1 to give repentance to ,israel and remission of sins4 ,and we are witnesses of these things3 and the ,holy ,ghost1 whom ,god hath given to all that obey ,him4 ,paul stared out before him motionless1 with set lips4 ,before him1 plain1 far far too plain against the dim wall1 the twisting whips rose and fell4 ',in the name of the ,father1 and the ,son1 and the ,holy ,ghost1 ,amen1' said ,father ,vassall1 and there was a little shuffling as they all knelt down4 ,acts of ,faith1 ,hope1 ,charity and ,contrition2 the ,creed2 ,our ,father1 ,hail ,mary1 ,glory ,be2 odd-,englished prayers for night protection2 more shuffling2 now ,paul and the priest were alone4 ,it grew utterly still4 ,paul fumbled for his slip of paper and drew it out4 ,the rustling dominated the whole chapel2 it even seemed to stir the shadows that shifted always1 silently1 in the candlelight4 ,he spread the paper on the desk before him4 ,slowly he prayed each sentence4 ,,an ,,act ,,of ,,consecration4 ,o ,lord ,,jesus ,christ1 ,who art the ,way1 the ,truth and the ,life1 ,without ,whom no man cometh to the ,father1 ,no man is free1 ,and no man lives eternally1 ,unite me wholly to ,thyself that ,i may walk in light and truly live4 ,but ,thy ,way must be the ,way of ,sorrows1 ,thy ,truth sharper than scourges1 ,and ,thy ,life a losing of my own4444 ,give me therefore ,grace--or rather ,thyself1 the ,fount of ,grace2 ,carry me1 for ,i cannot walk alone2 ,enlighten me1 for ,i am all darkness2 ,live in me1 for ,i cannot live except in ,thee4 ,let me count all things loss but ,thee1 since ,thou didst count all things loss except my love4 ,for me ,thou didst leave the joys of heaven2 ,for me ,thou wast born in cold and nakedness2 ,for me ,thou didst bear the contempt of ,thy creatures and hadst not where to lay ,thy head2 ,for me ,thou didst die daily in the souls of those that rejected ,thee1 and in the souls of them that loved ,thee2 die therefore in mine that ,thou mayst live and ,i in ,thee2 ,for me ,thou didst suffer ,thy ,mother to be pierced with swords1 ,who wast ,thyself pierced with nails2 pierce me then too1 and nail me to ,thy ,cross4 ,i offer myself wholly and without reserve to ,thee ,who didst count nothing greater than my love3 ,my flesh is weak1 as ,thou knowest ,who didst bear it1 ,but my spirit is willing1 though sorrowful as ,thine even unto death4 ,unite me then1 body and soul with ,thy ,divinity2 ,my sins to ,thy ,redemption2 ,my weakness to ,thy ,strength2 ,my abyss of nothingness to ,thy ,plenitude4 ,i give myself to ,thee1 stained1 shrinking and afraid2 ,give ,thyself to me1 ,o my crucified ,god1 and make me ,thine4 ,dear ,,jesus6 ,be to me not a ,judge1 but a ,saviour6 ,dear ,jesus6 ,be to me not a ,judge1 but a ,saviour6 ,he cried it again1 and again4 ,tears blinded him4 ,he choked them back4 ,it was so still that he could not break the silence even with a sob4 7#c7 ,the ,truce of ,god held4 ,it held so truly that for a brief succession of days ,paul banished the major part of his doubts and haunting fears in the vivid atmosphere of ,thurloe ,end4 ,they did not sleep2 they fled4 ,he was not quiescent1 but rather overwhelmingly alive4 ,he drank a largely new and intoxicating drink4 ,it must be remembered for what1 exactly1 ,claxted stood4 ,quite apart from the rights or wrongs of religion1 there was a life in ,claxted that was a sheer antithesis to this4 ,it was an antithesis in small things as well as in big1 in utterly unreasonable and stupid things as well as in vital ones4 ,thus1 at ,claxted1 one never1 at dinner or supper1 sat down to boiled beans and bacon2 if one had1 it would not have been regarded as an adventure2 moreover one never did sit down without potatoes4 ,it is extraordinarily easy to make a mock of it1 but there was a hid parable there4 ,food was food at ,claxted2 at ,thurloe ,end it was a sacrament1 and a merry sacrament of life4 ,nor was it less life because to ,father ,vassall it was ,catholic life4 ,thus ,father ,vassall even ate fish and maigre soup on ,fridays1 and enjoyed disliking it4 ,most mornings there chanced to be early spring sunshine1 and breakfast was served out of doors4 ,breakfast out of doors at ,claxted would have seemed to verge on the profane1 almost on the immoral4 ,tea1 out of doors1 in midsummer1 yes2 prepared for1 with guests4 ,at ,thurloe ,end they ran in hastily for a little tea because they were so busy gardening1 and the lights were not long4 ,at ,claxted wine was a mocker2 at ,thurloe ,end1 the cask of ,spanish ,burgundy having just arrived1 they bottled it with zest and solemnity4 ,at ,claxted1 again1 the rooms were elect to their various ends4 ,the drawing-room was for callers1 tea and ,sunday afternoons4 ,the study was for sermons4 ,the dining-room was the room in which one dined2 in which ,mr4 ,kestern rested for an hour after dinner2 in which1 after supper1 all duly remained1 with books or work1 till prayers and bed4 ,moreover1 there was routine order at ,claxted1 a pleasant1 simple1 kindly routine1 but routine4 ,a ,puritan routine1 too1 it was of course4 ,it had never struck ,paul before1 but no one laughed much at ,claxted4 ,the family was anything but solemn2 possibly1 temperamentally1 it was inclined to be grave2 but1 then1 on the other hand1 it never1 never rioted4 ,oh1 except at a ,christmas party1 at hide and seek and blind man's buff4 ,and now that one was grown up1 one did not play such games4 ,on the other hand1 at ,thurloe1 humour raced unrestrainedly4 ,the morning's post brought laughter 7and tears7 with it always4 ,the day's work was a perpetual surprise4 ,father ,vassall would announce his intention of doing something with as solemn a determination as ,mr4 ,kestern would have given to a month's holiday4 ,i shall wr-wr-write on the v-v-verandah all the morning1 he would announce firmly4 ,or3 ,i shall r-r-read in the p-p-parlour for t-t-two hours4 ,sometimes he would go to his room1 and not reappear till luncheon4 ,sometimes he would return to the chapel after breakfast for just as long4 ,in the evenings1 before the fire1 he would read what he had written during the day1 or ,paul would read to him4 ,or they would make tapestry1 or wood-carve1 or ,father ,vassall would play the piano2 or sit still1 occasionally talking1 but much more often sitting silently1 while peace dripped slowly in on ,paul's soul4 ,one never did nothing at ,claxted4 ,he himself1 in the mornings1 usually strolled round till some corner seemed inevitable for a letter1 a book1 or a poem1 or the little table in his bedroom beckoned inexorably to work4 ,in a sentence1 the day arranged itself2 perhaps better1 it presented itself arranged2 at ,claxted1 as it was in the beginning1 so it was1 and ever would be4 ,then again1 at ,thurloe ,end1 the house was invested with a personality4 ,paul used to wander around at first1 making friends4 ,the rooms stood back1 gravely1 but with a smile hidden in them4 ,the furniture belonged to the house1 and had been selected by it1 he felt1 with care4 ,it had chosen unvarnished oak1 for the most part1 because its tall1 clear windows were looking up always to the light1 and old oak is wise about light1 taking its measure and passing the rest on enriched4 ,its chairs1 forms1 tables1 bookcases1 were like open hands1 holding much graciousness4 ,moreover it was gravely proud of itself1 and not ashamed of its wide walls and the pools of its floors4 ,where it held out a picture or a print1 it did so with a curious restraint1 yet with a kind of courtesy4 ,it wore pictures like a beautiful woman wears jewels4 ,at ,claxted there was no house at all4 ,there was a middle-class home4 ,everything that the family had ever possessed1 for three generations1 was collected in it4 ,the ,kesterns said about a new possession that it would go there or there1 and new possessions constantly poured in--testimonials1 seasonable gifts1 kindly presents from workers after summer holidays1 another antimacassar after the ,sale of ,work1 photographs1 texts1 missionary curios4 ,things overflowed on to each other3 an occasional table on a rug2 a crochet mat on a table2 a pot on the crochet mat2 a fern in the pot2 a cover about them both2 a picture above the fern2 framed photographs below the picture2 as like as not1 in the end1 a small basket under the table4 ,small baskets were always so useful for putting odds and ends in4 ,and all the furniture and carpets and mats and pictures1 jostled each other1 and cried to heaven that here was no continuing city4 ,which1 of course1 is quite true1 for we seek one to come4 ,clocks were all over the house at ,claxted2 at ,thurloe ,end there was one over the stable that struck the hours with much solemnity4 ,moreover it had its own views as to correct time-telling which1 as ,father ,vassall said1 was wholly right1 since t-t-time was r-r-relative4 ,paul told himself that religion had nothing to do with all this2 that there were ,catholic middle-class homes1 and ,protestant houses4 ,he was not such a fool as not to know1 too1 that his own temperament liked the one and disliked the other1 but was not necessarily right or wrong because of that4 ,yet after all we are all of us concerned with things as we meet them1 and religion and philosophy1 speaking in generalities1 do shape people's houses1 occupations and dress4 ,here1 then1 came the ,greeks bringing gifts1 generous gifts for which he felt he had been searching1 at one time blindly1 lately more definitely1 all his days4 ,if the gifts were of ,god1 they would leave little room for doubt4 ,the days of truce1 however1 were not without event4 ,the pair of them did portentous things4 ,up the centre of the garden ran an ancient overgrown hedge1 tangled1 vast2 and through it1 with axe and saw1 they cut a leafy tunnel4 ,in old flannel trousers1 and shirts without collars1 they laboured in the sweat of their brows1 and cut their hands and scratched their faces and lost their way and despaired of finishing and finally attained4 ,just before sunset they emerged one warm delirious day1 the scent of rising sap overflowing from the broken twigs and boughs about them1 a mellow light on the wall across a small green ahead4 ,father ,vassall cut the last impeding growth away1 as was fit1 but ,paul dragged it behind4 ,they stepped out together4 ,the little priest looked about him with triumph1 excitement and discovery on his face4 ,so ,bilboa hailed the ,pacific1 and ,pizarro climbed the ,andes4 ,and so1 also1 ,father ,vassall had some such thought as they4 ,a cross1 just here1 in the middle of that green1 he cried4 ,one will b-burrow through the tunnel1 and find the c-cross at the end6 ,and then1 suddenly1 the merriment died out of his face1 and the two looked at each other4 ,i will go for the saw and the hammer1 said ,paul1 after a second4 ,yes1 cried ,father ,vassall1 animation again4 ,i know of two s-saplings which will just do4 ,paul turned back4 ,n-,n-,no6 spluttered his friend2 n-n-not through the tunnel now6 ,so ,paul went back another way4 ,or1 intermittently1 they laboured at a rockery4 ,the priest had been engaged upon it1 but he took a dislike to the job soon after ,paul's arrival4 ,one day1 after half an hour's work1 he flung down his spade4 ,paul grounded a loaded wheelbarrow1 and laughed4 ,what in the world is the matter8 he demanded4 ,i will not have a r-r-rockery in my garden1 said the priest1 not a made rockery anyway4 ,i knew it was a bad idea4 ,why ever8 asked ,paul1 frankly puzzled4 ,the d-d-devil makes r-rockeries1 said ,father ,vassall1 not ,g-,g-,god4 ,one evening ,paul related at length the incidents of the ,port o' ,man mission1 and particularly that of ,mr4 ,childers4 ,father ,vassall heard him gravely4 ,at the close he asked3 ,do you know ,david ,etheridge8 ,paul shook his head4 ,ever heard of him8 ,no4 ,who is he8 ,we'll go and see him to-morrow4 ,shall we8 ,you'll like him4 ,he lives about two miles off4 ,good1 said ,paul1 smiling4 ,but who in the world is he8 ,he's a ,catholic4 ,he was a ,spiritualist4 ,he became converted because it was the d-d-devil4 ,oh1 ,i'd love to meet him then1 cried ,paul4 ,they went1 then1 luncheon being over1 the priest in his rusty country ulster1 a little bent1 preoccupied1 grave2 ,paul swinging along in a tweed jacket eagerly4 ,the few passers-by saluted the priest1 and a clergyman on a bicycle looked at ,paul intently4 ,he's the ,v-,v-,vicar1 said ,father ,vassall1 bubbling with laughter4 ,he's a g-g-good man2 ,i like him2 but ,i expect he'd like to r-r-rescue you6 7#d7 ,david ,etheridge lived in a small cottage1 and he was pottering about the garden when they arrived4 ,paul had received no description of him and had no reason to expect one thing more than another1 but the ex-,spiritualist's short1 rather tubby figure and round1 smiling1 pink face1 tickled him4 ,he looked the last man in the world to have met with the devil4 ,anyway he seemed to have come well out of the encounter4 ,he greeted the priest eagerly1 and was introduced to ,paul without explanations4 ,first he must show them round the garden4 ,he had bulbs in the grass1 and others hidden cunningly among tree-roots1 and these he discovered with triumph4 ,new green had been made1 he declared1 since yesterday1 and in one spot there were six tiny thrusting points1 when the brown leaves were raked away with discerning fingers1 where at the last visit there had been but five4 ,they bent lingeringly over them4 ,wonderful1 wonderful1 cried ,etheridge1 in a subdued ecstasy4 ,i don't care how many times one sees them1 they're wonderful6 ,paul looked from the face of the priest to that of his friend4 ,there was genuine awe written on them both4 ,it was odd1 he thought1 the outlook of everyone down here4 ,he himself loved the beauty of that new determined virginal life1 but these two saw more4 ,they saw holy things4 ,back in the cottage at tea1 ,paul's visit was frankly expounded4 ,i b-brought ,k-,k-,kestern to see you1 ,etheridge1 said ,father ,vassall1 because he's met a clairvoyant and seen a m-m-miracle4 ,he's impressed1 naturally4 ,and the fellow talked to him no end4 ,i want him to hear your side of the c-case4 ,what was it you saw1 ,mr4 ,kestern8 asked ,etheridge4 ,was it at a sance8 ,no1 said ,paul1 and that's what seems to me particularly interesting4 ,it was in a very ordinary house at a very ordinary luncheon1 and in the presence of four or five men who1 as certainly as anything is certain1 were neither accomplices nor credulous nor open to hypnotic influence4 ,and it happened in broad daylight in about two minutes1 while we all sat round and watched4 ,what happened8 queried ,mr4 ,etheridge1 with a serious air that did not go so strangely with his face as a stranger would suppose4 ,a pin1 an ordinary pin1 wobbled on a white tablecloth and stood on end1 all by itself4 ,w-,w-,wobbled8 exploded ,father ,vassall1 earnestly4 ,paul1 looking at him1 loved him suddenly with a great passionate movement towards his childlike sincerity and profound faith4 ,yes1 ,father1 he said as gravely1 wobbled4 ,do you mind telling me all about it8 put in their host4 ,you've really begun at the wrong end of the stick1 you know1 ,mr4 ,kestern4 ,and ,paul told him4 ,he told him everything1 including the clairvoyant's statement that ,god was very far off4 ,when he had finished1 ,david ,etheridge nodded4 ,that would be it1 he said4 ,so much of truth1 so much of plausibility1 a little release of power1 and the grain of error that would1 without ,god1 crack even ,peter's rock4 ,but the p-pin8 asked ,father ,vassall4 ,how did he do that8 ,it's simple1 ,father4 ,he was perfectly right4 ,it is no miracle1 really1 as he himself said4 ,there is psychic power4 ,it is as real a thing as that of my muscles1 perhaps in a sense more real because more fundamental4 ,all ultimate power may be psychic4 ,and what he did with a pin1 all the mystic saints have done1 when necessary1 again and again4 ,only they have done so under ,god and at ,his direction4 ,maybe ,god ,himself1 incarnate1 only made use of some such hidden human power of ,his creation1 when ,he walked the waves4 ,then ,childers was right8 asked ,paul1 glancing at the priest however4 ,etheridge seemed to be contradicting the verdict of his friend4 ,right1 and from our standpoint wrong too1 ,mr4 ,kestern4 ,so far as his explanation of the pin went1 he was right1 but he was in the wrong since he was playing with a power only to be exercised along the lines revealed2 and he was deluded by ,satan when he spoke as he did of ,god4 ,by ,satan8 ,i have no doubt at all4 ,it always begins so4 ,he lies in wait to deceive4 ,i don't understand1 said ,paul1 bewildered4 ,childers was a man of prayer and of great reverence4 ,he spoke very kindly even of ,catholicism4 ,that1 said ,etheridge gravely1 ,i fear the most4 ,paul studied his face intently4 ,he was looking out of the cottage window at the broad high-road1 his features very set and grave1 and with a strange mask of pain lying upon their cheery commonplace exterior that was not good to see4 ,he seemed to become aware of the other's examination1 and turned to him4 ,it is like this1 he said4 ,god has marked out the spiritual way4 ,he has hedged and protected it4 ,souls may go safely there very1 very far1 even here1 towards the celestial city4 ,but if they stray off that path for any reason1 why1 ,mr4 ,kestern1 in the woods and hollows lurk enemies that let none escape4 ,how do you know8 burst out ,paul1 vehemently4 ,does the ,church definitely say so8 ,etheridge nodded towards the priest1 with a faint smile that only lingered a second however4 ,that's a question for his reverence1 he said1 but ,i can offer you an authority1 if you like4 ,please1 said ,paul4 ,there was something in the other's tone that awed him4 ,well1 ,mr4 ,kestern1 there was a young man who knew nothing of that divine road save that1 by ,providence1 his feet were placed upon it at his baptism4 ,but he was enticed aside4 ,he was shown a seemingly fair and direct path to the same bourne4 ,he followed it4 ,at first all went well4 ,to be precise1 he1 too1 obtained something of the powers of which you have seen a sample4 ,he became adept at seeking escape in trance4 ,the pencil wrote for him automatically1 and wrote good and wise things4 ,he made the practice of these things his life1 and finally they dominated him4 ,he became all but their slave4 ,yes--and then8 ,well1 first1 the character of the messages changed a little4 ,his friends in the gnosis warned him of mischievous spirits1 even of bad ones1 but he was not to be afraid4 ,he would not be afraid4 ,for a while the good returned--and riveted his chains more firmly4 ,then the shadow crept in again4 ,he was told of a new morality1 led on to seek relief in stimulants1 encouraged to voyage far and often in trance4 ,at last only there1 in trance1 was there full escape4 ,he loathed himself1 but his waking life was beset with devils1 prurient curiosity1 perverted sensuality1 a desire to inflict pain4 ,he struggled1 but in vain4 ,but in the trance-sleep he was free4 ,a motor car hummed up the hill and buzzed over the crest4 ,etheridge waited till the sound died away4 ,neither of his listeners moved4 ,and then one day1 ,mr4 ,kestern1 went on the narrator at last evenly1 having gone over in trance1 he found his return barred4 ,he could see his own body on the couch and he longed to re-enter it4 ,but he could not4 ,a ,watcher stood on the ,threshold4 ,for an eternity there seemed no possibility of return4 ,paul moistened dry lips4 ,a watcher8 he managed to ask4 ,yes4 ,beyond telling4 ,do you loathe anything8 ,have you ever felt ,fear8 ,do you shrink from corruption1 its scent and sight8 ,you cannot imagine all those incarnate1 but it was that4 ,my ,g-,g-,god1 said ,father ,vassall4 ,that's enough1 ,etheridge4 ,but you are here1 cried ,paul4 ,what saved you8 ,the grace of ,god1 which is beyond telling1 at the moment1 and1 under ,him1 ,father ,vassall afterwards4 ,he may tell you if he please4 ,paul glanced at the priest4 ,but he shook his head4 ,i t-t-told you it was the d-d-devil1 he said4 ,father ,vassall1 perhaps1 can hardly speak of it1 ,mr4 ,kestern4 ,he fought for my soul4 ,he held me all one night1 and a crucifix in my hands1 while ,satan shook my body1 my bed1 the very room1 but could not prevail4 ,and silence drew in and sat between the three of them4 ,paul broke it4 ,he sighed4 ,forgive me1 he said1 but what is one to believe8 ,you explain one thing by an unknown force2 why not so explain this8 ,and--,i don't mean to be rude1 ,mr4 ,etheridge--,i suppose we all have a side to our character which1 supposing it were for any reason developed and released1 might do terrible things4 ,the ex-,spiritualist bowed slightly4 ,you are quite right1 he said tranquilly4 ,that is one explanation4 ,you can explain the ,gospels and the ,incarnation and ,lourdes and--and ,spiritualism that way4 ,men even explain man4 ,if there were no explanation possible1 there would be no need of faith4 ,but ,i haven't---- began ,paul4 ,father ,vassall made a quick gesture4 ',si scires donum ,dei1' he said4 ,don't t-t-tempt ,god1 ,kestern4 ,etheridge rose as if he had not heard4 ,let us walk in the garden a little1 he said1 and breathe clean air4 ,that evening1 ,father ,vassall varied the order of night prayers somewhat4 ,he crossed over the chapel to ,paul1 after the ,scripture reading1 and put a little manual in his hand4 ,it was not wholly unfamiliar to the boy1 but for the first time the real significance of the ,office of ,compline dawned on him4 ,he saw the long dark corridors leading from chapel1 the silent shut-off monastic cells1 the peasant on his lonely road home1 the soldier on sentry guard while the camp slept4 ,he saw that the night had been alive to such1 and that their faith had made these prayers for a shield4 ,and he was not sorry for that shield himself that night4 ,grant us1 ,o ,lord1 a quiet night and a perfect end4 ,your adversary the devil1 goeth about as a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour4 ,thou shalt not be afraid for the ,terror by night1 ,for ,he shall give ,his angels charge over thee4 ,visit this house1 we beseech ,thee1 ,o ,lord4 ,drive far from it all snares of the enemy4 ,let ,thy holy angels dwell therein4444 ,all his imagination astir1 ,paul listened1 in his secret heart1 for the drift of pinions4 ,nor1 then1 did he wonder that he failed to hear them2 he only marvelled a little at the impenetrability of clay-shuttered doors4 7#e7 ,thus1 then1 came ,paul ,kestern to his last night at ,thurloe ,end4 ,judge ye1 who may4 ,this1 at least1 was the manner of it4 ,the ,father had read aloud ,the ,holy ,grail1 and ,paul ,the ,hound of ,heaven4 ,he had himself chosen it2 he had no one to blame for that4 ,ah1 fondest1 blindest1 weakest 7he read71 ,i am ,he ,whom thou seekest2 ,thou drivest ,love from thee1 ,who drivest ,me4 ,he shut the book4 ,the little priest was nursing his knees against the tall fender1 and the boy looked from him to the candlelight on the white of the uncanonised saint's hat on the mantelshelf4 ,it rather fascinated him1 that round skull-cap4 ,it was a child's trick to put it there1 the little white satiny thing in its glass-fronted box--a child's trick1 lovable4 ,he looked at the priest again4 ,the other stirred4 ,my dear1 he said1 stammering badly1 you g-g-go to-m-m-morrow4 ,and we've kept the tr-truce4 ,paul nodded4 ,silence4 ,the priest spoke again4 ,i don't know1 he said4 ,i can't stick my fingers into your soul4 ,i d-d-don't want to4 ,only ,god's been good to you1 you know4 ,and--and ,he's a j-j-jealous ,god4 ,oh1 ,i don't know1 burst out the boy4 ,father1 ,i don't know4 ,there's so much for and against4 ,and ,i've prayed and prayed and prayed1 and--and ,god hides ,himself4 ,he's given you all the l-l-light you need4 ,he's shown you6 ,he's sent ,his ,son and appointed ,his ,church and p-p-put it b-b-bang in your p-path4 ,what else do you want8 ,do you want a special r-r-revelation8 ,oh1 ,i don't know1 wailed ,paul4 ,i don't ,,know4 ,his voice broke a little4 ,father ,vassall dropped his knees and jumped up1 catching his robe about him4 ,his eyes shone1 though his face was grave4 ,l-look here1 he said4 ,here's a bit of paper4 ,i'll put here all the things that make for the ,church1 unless you feel honestly1 in your own mind1 that the balance of evidence on a point puts it on the other side4 ,now4 ,when the paper was written it appeared thus3 ,,which is ,,true8 ,r4,c4 ,anglican4 ,emotions in ,catholic ,church4 ,emotions at ,claxted1 ,keswick1 etc4 ,reason8 ,history8 ,which ,works8 ,scripture8 ,tradition8 ,catholic ,idea8 ,consistency8 ,gospel of the ,poor8 ,beauty8 ,common sense8 ,miracles8 ,peter8 7,after the first1 ,paul had objected3 ,but ,christianity may not be reasonable at all4 ,t-t-that hardly makes for ,anglicanism1 retorted ,father ,vassall4 ,is it1 the ,via ,media1 reasonable8 ,and ,paul had been silent thereafter47 ,that's enough1 ,father1 said ,paul1 in a still voice4 ,it is1 only this4 7,he added1 last on the list--,peter47 ,now1 here you are4 ,to-morrow1 after breakfast1 go into the chapel1 put this before you1 and pray4 ,pray4 ,,pray4 ,hear8 ,i'll say no more1 now or ever4 ,you're alone1 you know1 you must be4444 ,if it's 'yes1' after that1 come and tell me1 and ,i'll get the faculties and receive you4 ,if it's 'no1' then don't say anything4 ,just 'good-bye4' ,and ,g-,god bless you1 anyway4 ,he had his way4 ,the boy went almost silently to bed1 heard ,mass1 ate breakfast quietly1 went into the chapel1 and knelt down4 ,he propped his papers before him4 ,he chose to kneel before the red lamp4 ,he read his paper1 but he could not think4 ,confused images buzzed through his head1 and voices4 ,i'd rather see a son of mine dead1 said ,mr4 ,kestern4 ,god is very far off1 said ,childers4 ,he was deluded by ,satan1 said ,david ,etheridge4 ,oh1 don't break your father's heart1 ,paul1 cried his mother4 ,concubinage is a regular thing in ,spain1 said the ,bishop of ,mozambique4 ,christ is the most arresting figure in history1 said ,manning coolly4 ,he's a j-j-jealous ,god1 said ,father ,vassall4 ,paul shut his eyes4 ,he was so tired4 ,he turned deliberately away and thought of ,edith4 ,he remembered ,hursley ,woods1 and the little brown cap1 and the brown leaves1 and the blue sky4 ,a thrush1 too1 that looked at them out of beady eyes4 ,and here he was1 in a ,popish chapel1 ,father ,vassall's chapel4 ,he looked up4 ,in the clear morning light1 the chapel was all so plain4 ,in front of him1 as plain as plain1 was a sponge on reed1 a spear1 a ladder1 a scourge4 ,he noticed that they were a little dusty4 ,the glass reliquary reminded him of wax flowers under a glass case belonging to his great-aunt ,sophie2 no1 it did not remind him of the flowers1 it was just the case1 with its plush fringe1 that it brought ridiculously to his mind4 ,but inside the case was that small splinter the priest had described1 a fragment splintered from ,calvary with its sweat and turmoil and blood4 ,it had been1 of course1 like that figure on the rood4 ,he had hung dead4 ,dead4 ,drained of blood4 ,dead4 ,dead8 ,a little to the right the white tabernacle veil hung in the folds to which ,father ,vassall had adjusted it this morning4 ,and behind lay the mystery4 ,if only he ,,knew4 ,and then1 suddenly1 he saw it all as clearly as the day through the chapel window3 his broken home1 his mother's tears1 ,edith lost to him1 his ambition to write poetry blocked out1 and instead1 instead--that silver ,cup behind the white curtain thrust into his hand4 ,a half-remembered line shot into his head3 ,and down the shaft of light ,blood-red444 ,and suppose1 after all1 it were not true4444 ,if it were true1 surely ,god would show him4 ,if ,he were a ,father1 surely1 surely444 7#f7 ,that1 then1 was the manner in which ,paul ,kestern grew afraid4 ,the utter silence of the chapel grew on him1 bore down on him1 wave on wave4 ,was it not time for the trap8 ,oh1 but they would call him4 ,meantime1 why wouldn't ,god speak8 ,just a word1 a flicker of a curtain4444 ,it was all so still4 ,not even a wind4 ,the silence listened1 that was the awful thing2 it listened for him to pray4 ,and if he prayed--oh1 if he prayed1 he would break down like a baby1 and surrender1 and he would never really have known4 ,then ,paul knew he could not pray4 ,but he shut his eyes2 he groped into the blackness2 he pressed against the silence2 he knew he was alone1 all alone2 he knew if he could have fled1 he would have done so1 but that he could not move4 ,he must fight it out alone1 endure alone2 and though that awful silence terrorised his very thought1 he must still try to think4444 ,it's t-t-time to go1 whispered a voice in his ear4 ,he got up1 and stumbled out4 ,thank you so much1 ,father1 he said4 ,there was utter terror in his soul1 but that was what he said4 ,he saw the other's face1 tender and grave1 and his quaint black gown1 and the bare hall1 and the little flagged path1 and the iron gate1 and the trap4 ,oh1 he was glad to see the trap4 ,he mustn't be afraid2 it was absurd2 he could walk out4 ,really ,i've loved being here1 he heard himself saying4 ,c-come again s-s-some t-time1 stammered ,father ,vassall4 ,thanks1 ,i will1 ,father4 ,good-bye4 ,g-g-good-bye4 ,he balanced himself as the horse started forward1 and then turned and waved4 ,the little priest waved too4 ,they swung round the turn4 ,paul looked at the clouds1 moving serenely across the sky4 ,he peered into the bare twigs of an oak4 ,some palm was in bloom1 soft1 yellow1 feathery4 ,truth1 it's real mild spring1 sir1 said ,tim4 ,yes1 said ,paul4 ,i must say ,i'm glad summer is coming4 ,london1 single1 he said through the wicket at the booking office4 ,it was real1 that funny little window1 and odd1 how absurd the man looked1 peering at him6 ,a couple of turns up the platform1 a good asphalted platform1 with staring advertisements1 rather jolly--about pens1 ,easter in ,normandy1 ,nestle's ,milk4 ,and there was the train at last1 swinging merrily round the corner1 noisy1 fussy1 real4 ,third class1 smoker1 empty1 that would do4 ,paul flung himself into a far corner4 ,thank ,god1 he said to himself1 thank ,god4 ,a tall dark girl walked up the train4 ,she looked in at ,paul's window4 ,he didn't see her1 but she saw him1 hesitated a moment1 and decided1 after all1 she wouldn't travel to town with him4 ,if perhaps1 the next compartment was empty1 she would prefer that4 ,it was4 ,she got in and shut the door4 ,she had a newspaper and a novel to read1 but she settled herself to stare out of the window instead4 ,the country was so unimaginably lovely4 ,,chapter ,,viii ,,judgments ,i am certain of nothing but of the holiness of the heart's affections1 and the truth of ,imagination4 ,what the ,imagination seizes as ,beauty must be ,truth4444 ,the ,imagination may be compared to ,adam's dream2--he awoke and found it truth4--,,keats3 ,letters1 ,november #bb1 #ahag4 7#a7 ,well1 queried ,tressor1 and what's the next move8 ,he was seated at his desk in his study1 pen in hand1 a pile of correspondence before him1 and ,paul1 who had not been able to remain still for five minutes since he had heard the news1 was leaning at the moment against the open window opposite4 ,june had come in full-throated4 ,the trees in the ,fellows' ,garden were thick with green1 and the roses in the parterres flamed in the sun4 ,everything flamed in such a sunlight as had never been before1 nor1 in its own way1 would be again4 ,miracles of that sort are not so uncommon in life as might be thought1 but each one stands by itself4 ,so to-day ,paul was inwardly if only half-consciously marvelling at the world1 seeing that it was transfigured before him4 ,the don1 watching him thoughtfully1 was well aware of it4 ,his own experiences of a quarter of a century before1 rose like a kindly ghost before him4 ,he knew in what a turmoil of suspense the boy must have wakened1 but yet how a kind of dear regret had lingered with him at breakfast1 the last breakfast of the true undergraduate stage1 the stage in which the future is all possibility1 the die still unread even if cast4 ,he guessed how he and his friends had talked about everything and thought only about one thing2 how they had strolled round to the ,senate ,house2 how a glamour had been there upon the ugly unimposing dull building that he1 the don1 knew so well2 how anxiety had spurred the spirits of the men in the gallery2 how the first names had been greeted with relieved cheers4 ,and he knew how ,paul had heard his own in the ,first ,class ,honours ,list of the ,history ,tripos with a sense1 first1 of utter unreality1 and then of triumph that had given him for a fleeting hour the carriage of a god4 ,paul had come into ,king's ,parade with his friends a new man4 ,a light had fallen on his ways1 and at first1 as always1 he had been blissfully ignorant of the bitter that lurks in all earth's sweets4 ,he had been ignorant for about as long as it took him to walk to the post office4 ,there1 when ,donaldson had said that there was no good his sending a telegram1 he had seen real envy in the eyes of a friend1 and when the clerk had read the flimsy paper without the flicker of an eyebrow1 had realised that the world is mighty big and cares nothing4 ,ah well1 ,paul had thought as he hastened back to college1 that made no difference to the fact that he1 ,paul ,kestern1 had got a ,first1 which nothing could ever destroy and which would remain a title to respect among all sorts and conditions of men4 ,differ with him as men might and would1 he had entered set and recognised lists and ridden a triumphant course4 ,and ,tressor was genuinely pleased that the boy had come bursting in to him1 scarcely waiting to knock1 greeting him with the eyes of a grateful friend4 ,i've got it1 he had cried1 ,i've got it1 ,tressor6 ,a ,first after all6 ,thanks to you more than to anyone4 ,i can hardly believe it's true4 ,paul had walked about the study to tell his news4 ,donaldson got a third1 ,strether a second4 ,i wish ,gussie had got a first4 ,i say1 my father will be pleased4 ,how many8 ,oh there were only five given1 out of a hundred and thirty1 ,i think4 ,you know ,i never could have written a decent line if it hadn't been for you4 ,as it was ,i thought that ,special ,period would dish me4 ,i say--does it sound beastly8--,i'm most glad of all for one thing4 ,whatever ,i become1 no one will ever be able to say that if ,i'd known a little history ,i'd have been different6 ,and so on1 disjointedly1 as the sense of it soaked in1 and thoughts rose in his mind like bright bubbles--rose and burst4 ,tressor understood it all4 ,and he liked the way the boy peered at a picture1 picked up a paper-knife and examined it as if it were something rare1 looked out at the roses1 shot a questioning glance at him1 and so on4 ,all these things were so many signposts to the eager mind4 ,tressor felt again his own keen interest as to what that mind would do4 ,and so he had at last asked his question4 ,well1 he had said1 and what's the next move8 ,ah6 said ,paul1 and leant up against the open window-frame all at once1 very still4 ,i'm only twenty-one1 he said at last4 ,tressor turned the statement over4 ,then he understood4 ,two years before you can be ordained1 he said4 ,yes1 thank ,god1 said ,paul1 sincerely4 ,oh6 ,has it come to that8 ,paul's restlessness fell on him again1 like a mantle4 ,he straightened himself1 thrust his hands into his pockets1 looked round1 and flung himself into a chair4 ,i suppose ,i've known it all the term1 he said1 but ,i've never realised it till now4 ,tressor laid down his pen and leaned back4 ,he was frankly curious4 ,the term had been so busy for both of them that this was the first vital conversation1 although1 at odd intervals1 he had thought a good deal about the boy4 ,thus he knew of the visit to ,thurloe ,end1 but not of any details4 ,he knew of conflicts1 not of decisions1 if there had been any4 ,yes1 said ,paul1 it has4 ,i know one thing4 ,i cannot be ordained in the ,church of ,england unless my mind changes a great deal between this and then4 ,that is odd to me1 said ,tressor meditatively4 ,that is one of the things ,i could do4 ,you8 ,yes4 ,the ,anglican ministry stands for an orderly1 decent1 restrained religious profession1 but it does not commit the priest to dogmatic extravagance4 ,i see1 said ,paul4 ,the ,church of ,england appeals to you on those grounds exactly which make it impossible for me1 at least as yet4 ,but why8 ,no bishop would refuse you on account of moderation4 ,quite so4 ,but the ,apostle had a word to say on that to the ,church of ,laodicea4 ,tressor frowned slightly4 ,he disliked ,paul in that mood4 ,surely you see now1 he said1 that you cannot determine the universe by a single text4 ,paul threw his leg over the arm of his chair4 ,that is precisely what ,i do see1 he said4 ,i'm one immense note of interrogation4 ,the don smiled4 ,that's admirable1 anyway1 and that1 ,i suppose1 blocks ,rome4 ,i'm unfeignedly glad4 ,i confess ,i saw you go to ,thurloe ,end with some fear4 ,you're impressionable1 and ,father ,vassall has a magnetic personality4 ,a shadow gathered in ,paul's face1 gathered and deepened4 ,but ,i played the coward there1 he said4 ,tell me1 said ,tressor1 if you can1 that is4 ,i'd like to4 ,paul was emphatic4 ,also the thing was very vivid to him and had lost nothing in retrospection4 ,his hearer saw the situation as he unfolded it1 saw it almost as vividly as ,paul had seen it1 but his wonder grew almost more quickly than his interest4 ,he found himself scarcely listening1 impatient of the final details4 ,so you see1 concluded ,paul1 ,i was afraid to pray4 ,i knew that if ,i gave way an inch ,i should give way altogether4 ,and in the end1 ,i--,i fled4 ,there was death in his voice4 ,well1 retorted ,tressor1 ,i congratulate you with all my heart4 ,honestly1 ,paul1 ,i did not think you had so much in you4 ,really1 you interest me enormously4 ,what6 cried the genuinely astonished ,paul4 ,of course4 ,the whole thing was consummate staged emotionalism4 ,and you came through it1 and ,vassall's overwhelming hypnotic personality1 by the sheer force of your own will4 ,no1 honestly1 ,i never dreamed you had it in you4 ,i am most extraordinarily glad4 ,paul returned his leg to a normal position4 ,he stared at the speaker for appreciable seconds without a word4 ,then he laughed4 ,well1 he said1 well---- ,and of course you may be right4 ,i should say there can be no room for doubt4444 ,but1 if that's ,rome1 why not the ,church of ,england8 ,orders and a fellowship--writing1 lecturing1 preaching4 ,it would suit you admirably4 ,it would not1 retorted ,paul decisively4 ,i should never be content4 ,besides1 what should ,i preach8 ,for what should ,i stand8 ,i cannot see the ,bible without the ,gospel1 and ,i can preach1 in ,christ's name1 nothing but that4 ,the don knit his brows4 ,then what's the matter with an evangelical ministry8 ,paul jumped up4 ,he prowled about restlessly4 ,suddenly he made a couple of gestures1 one to the well-lined shelves1 the other to the garden4 ,that and that1 he said4 ,i'm afraid you go beyond me1 said ,tressor politely4 ,oh1 ,i say1 ,i'm sorry1 cried ,paul4 ,but--but--can't you see8 ,doubtless it's sheer presumption1 but evangelicalism seems to me utterly divorced from reason and knowledge4 ,it has no logical basis at all4 ,rome may be wrong1 but it's logical4 ,it's a conceivable theory4 ,evangelical ,protestantism just won't do4444 ,look here1 the ,church might be infallible1 divine4 ,it's just possible4 ,i don't know 444 but it's possible4 ,but the ,bible is not infallible--we know that--and what is more1 it would be useless if it were without an explicit interpretation4 ,that's certain1 final4 ,tressor glanced at his correspondence4 ,he ought to attend to it1 but1 on the other hand1 an idea was forming in his mind4 ,the more he thought of it1 the more he liked it4 ,the letters might wait4 ,he got up and moved over towards the bookshelves4 ,paul1 behind him1 went on abstractedly4 ,and then there's the other reason4 ,that seems to me less honourable1 less convincing1 but--,i can't help it--it's overpowering4 ,put it like this4 ,could ,i possibly put on the scarlet jersey of the ,salvation ,army and follow the band8 ,could ,i8 ,well1 ,i couldn't4 ,that--that's an insult to--to beauty1 a blasphemy against--against--oh1 ,i don't know--against a summer's day1 ,i think4 ,and an evangelical ministry means a red jersey1 you know--or something like it4 ,the ,mission ,hall1 for example2 the ,religious ,tract ,society4444 ,i say1 am ,i a--a damned fool8 ,tressor had taken a little book off the shelves1 and was half mechanically turning the leaves4 ,immature1 of course1 weak in places1 but---- ,he put it back4 ,eh8 he queried1 smiling4 ,a red jersey8 ,no1 ,i rather agree4 ,but the morning's going4 ,where are you lunching8 ,have some with me8 ,i'd love to1 said ,paul4 ,right4 ,give me half an hour for these letters4 ,and at luncheon ,i'll tell you what's come into my head4 ,he smiled1 affectionately4 ,thanks1 said ,paul1 getting up4 ,then he remembered his ,first again1 overwhelmingly4 ,i think ,i'll just go and see1 he said boyishly1 whether there are any telegrams for me4 ,tressor turned to his desk4 ,do1 he said4 ,one o'clock4 7#b7 ,paul walked across the ,second ,court whistling4 ,in the screens he met ,strether4 ,there's only one other first1 growled his friend4 ,judson4 ,shows what egregious asses the examiners were4 ,paul hit him in the ribs4 ,where is he8 he demanded4 ,i must go and congratulate him4 ,he's in the garden1 reading telegrams4 ,i believe there are some for you4 ,it's a sickening sight1 but ,i'll come with you if you like4 ,paul took his arm and they marched off4 ,i'm sorry you didn't get one1 ,gussie1 he said4 ,you deserved it4 ,the other snorted4 ,rot1 he grunted4 ,never stood a look in4 ,lucky to get a second4 ,but ,i always thought you'd score4 ,between the ,first ,court and the river1 under the chestnuts1 were a couple of deck-chairs and a rug4 ,judson in flannels sprawled there1 with ,hannam1 ,donaldson and one or two others4 ,somebody tossed ,paul half a dozen orange envelopes4 ,he threw himself down1 and tore them open4 ,mr4 ,kestern wired that he and ,mrs4 ,kestern were coming up to-morrow4 ,then an uncle had wired1 and a grandfather4 ,mr4 ,ernest also4 ,there was one from school1 and that intrigued ,paul4 ,it was jolly to think that the ,head and the rest of them had been expecting the occasion1 thinking of it1 caring4 ,pleasant1 too1 that he had conferred honour on the school4 ,he stared out at the shining river1 and saw the old hall1 the cut and mutilated forms1 the honour boards1 the dais1 the rows of shuffling schoolboys1 and himself amongst them4 ,announcements were made after prayers4 ,to-morrow1 probably1 then1 the ,head would say precisely3 ,i am sure the school will be glad to learn that ,paul ,kestern1 who went up to ,st4 ,mary's1 ,cambridge1 in 444 has 444 ,the school would cheer1 sensing a possible half-holiday in connection therewith4 ,well1 he'd look in next month1 towards the end of ,july1 and then---- ,it was really rather pleasant4 ,he reached for the last telegram1 speculating idly who had sent it4 ,he could not know that ,mr4 ,kestern had told the news to every possible person in the street as he himself went to the post office4 ,i'm so glad--,edith1 he read4 ,he read it again and again4 ,he glanced up covertly at the others4 ,then he folded the thin paper1 slipped it back in its envelope1 stretched himself out at full length and stared up into the blue sky4 ,fragments of conversation from the men about him drifted in and out of his mind1 and now and again he had to respond to a remark addressed point-blank to him4 ,he was still pleasantly aware of achievement and pride that must be hid4 ,but he was wrestling all the while with an enigma4 ,he had seen the girl once only after his visit to ,thurloe ,end1 during the brief week-end of the vacation that he had spent at home4 ,they had walked deviously home from ,sunday evening service1 and he had poured out his heart to her4 ,he had been full of the contrast between ,claxted and ,thurloe ,end1 as well as the growing impossibility he was experiencing in these occasional returns to service in the evangelical atmosphere4 ,there had been reaction1 too1 in his outlook after the relief of escape from ,father ,vassall1 and what with one thing and another he had been meditating--he spoke to her as if he were meditating--a return and a surrender4 ,and she had astounded him3 she had utterly refrained from suggesting that he should not do so4 ,indeed she had done more2 she had brought to bear upon the problem the mind of1 as it were1 a ,claxted ,catholic1 though1 since nothing had as yet come of it1 she had said nothing of her visit to ,st4 ,patrick's4 ,the witchery of ,thurloe ,end had been meaningless to her4 ,claxted was still to her dear and simple4 ,she saw nothing whatever to alter in her own home or in his4 ,barns1 and shrines1 and carven shields1 merely bewildered her4 ,he had felt1 as he talked1 that so far as externals went1 she would have preferred the incandescent lights in rows1 the red drugget and the pitch-pine of the ,mission ,hall4 ,perfectly simply1 then1 she had said3 ,paul1 dear1 if ,jesus calls you1 you must do what ,he says4 ,parrot-like1 he had answered her with the old cry3 ,but ,i don't know6 ,he could feel now her fingers on his arm1 clutching a little more tightly4 ,don't1 ,paul1 she had said4 ,it seems to me quite plain4 ,jesus doesn't hide ,himself4 ,he speaks plainly enough in our hearts1 and you--you 'know ,his voice4' ,he had stared hard at her in the light of a street lamp as they passed3 the firm little face rather sedate2 the precise1 neat dress2 her gloved hand2 the little hymn and prayer book she carried which he had given her1 surreptitiously4 ,intuitively he saw that she belonged to ,claxted2 yes1 though he knew that he had modified her views not a little1 ,claxted was bone of her bone and flesh of her flesh4 ,life was amazingly simple to her4 ,she might question the form in which the things of religion reached her--the authority of ,christ1 ,his presence in the ,sacrament2 she might become ,high ,church in practice2 but nothing in ,claxted rubbed her up the wrong way4 ,and he saw suddenly just what it meant that her home was in ,edward ,street and her father a photographer4 ,she was unobtrusive1 trim1 conventional4 ,he had wanted to seize her almost roughly1 shake her1 drag her out1 and he had not been able to do it at all because she would not have understood the first syllable of explanation4 ,come to that1 did he8 ,perhaps1 that very day1 he had come to see more plainly the point4 ,the scarlet jersey--well1 it was just a scarlet jersey to ,edith ,thornton4 ,you put it on1 if ,christ said so4 ,why not8 ,lying there then1 in the flush of success1 blue shining sky above1 clear shining river hard by1 her words in his pocket1 no1 in his heart1 ,paul nevertheless saw a shadow athwart the sky4 ,he had known long that an impermeable curtain was slowly dropping between him and his people2 he had known that their very voices sounded odd--familiar1 arrestingly familiar1 but as those who speak another tongue2 and he had known that the change lay in him and not in them4 ,there were notes in the past that no longer struck response1 that reached him muffled1 through the curtain4 ,and he saw plainly enough that ,edith belonged to that side4 ,there was a shadow then even on this bright day4 ,he loved her so4 ,one moment1 was it quite that8 ,was it not rather that he wanted to love her so much1 wanted that they should speak and walk together1 and knew they could not8 ,inexorably1 hate it as he might1 the irresistible tides were sweeping them apart4 ,he was being moved on and out1 protest as he would and did4 ,yet he could not protest altogether as he would1 for his very heart was shaken4 ,there was a war in his members--the old1 old phrase rose unbidden in his mind4 ,and1 serene and far as that blue sky1 ,god seemed to be4 ,thus a thoughtful ,paul went in to luncheon1 yet wholly unaware of the new flood that was even then gathering to its height and was about to overmaster him4 ,for a while the two talked inconsequently1 on small things4 ,then1 when the coffee was on the table1 ,tressor reopened the conversation of the morning4 ,so1 honestly1 you don't quite know what to do next8 ,no4 ,but ,i suppose ,i shall teach for a year or two1 if possible do some private coaching4 ,i must earn money2 ,i shall have to say no definitely to the theological college next year1 not this4 ,literature8 ,well1 of course1 wherever ,i am ,i shall write4 ,i can't help it4 ,but could ,i make a living with my pen8 ,i don't suppose so1 and ,i can't ask my father for money4 ,and even if ,i could1 ,i doubt awfully if ,i could do occasional journalism4 ,tressor shook his head emphatically4 ,don't try1 he said4 ,it's an impossibility for you1 ,i should say--not your line at all4 ,paul suddenly realised what a problem he was up against4 ,he sighed4 ,it's awfully hard1 he said4 ,i suppose ,i must teach4 ,no1 said ,tressor1 not yet anyway4 ,i want you to give your own literary taste a chance4 ,write poetry4 ,do another play--more carefully this time4 ,paul smiled ruefully4 ,in the ,lent ,term he had had an inspiration4 ,dropping his reading1 cutting his lectures1 burying himself in his rooms1 he had begun and written a play4 ,and ,tressor had lectured him for the first1 threatened dire things for the second1 and finally and utterly turned down the last4 ,i'd love to1 said ,paul1 but--,i couldn't write a line in ,claxted anyway4 ,i know1 said ,tressor equably4 ,i don't suppose you could1 and ,i'm not suggesting it4 ,but what about ,fordham8 ,fordham8 queried ,paul1 puzzled4 ,the other nodded4 ,fordham--my house4 ,but--but---- ,yes2 as you know1 ,i have a house to which ,i go occasionally4 ,my friends sometimes consider it an unnecessary luxury since ,i'm only there two or three times a year4 ,but it's rather a nice house1 and it wants living in4 ,it would do it good to have someone living in it and looking after it a little4 ,there are some cottages1 and some rough shooting1 and a garden4 ,i bought the place because of the garden2 you'd like it4 ,you might write poetry in it1 and a play1 or half a dozen1 seeing how quickly you write4 ,what do you say8 ,he had talked slowly on to give ,paul time4 ,the boy's face was a study4 ,even then1 he hardly took it in4 ,do you mean go--go--as your--your guest8 he stammered4 ,no1 said ,tressor1 not exactly as my guest4 ,have some more coffee8 ,you see1 ,i want you to do some work4 ,go as my agent1 let us say4 ,my housekeeper will look after you1 and be glad of it1 and ,i'll give you a small salary4 ,you'll keep yourself1 and1 ,i think1 you'll write4 ,to be honest1 ,i think you'll write well4 ,oh1 ,i say6 cried ,paul1 only when it came to the point he had nothing to say4 ,i take it that's settled then8 ,words came with a rush4 ,i'd like it more than anything on earth4 ,it would be absolutely too good to be true4 ,i can't thank you enough4 ,i--,i---- ,right1 then4 ,thank me by writing good poetry4 ,by the way1 ,manning is coming down with me in ,august2 do you think you could join us1 and remain on8 ,i must consult my father1 of course1 said ,paul1 but ,i'm certain ,i can say yes4 ,how perfectly too glorious4 ,oh1 ,i say1 you're just too good to me1 sir4 ,let's go and smoke a cigarette in the ,fellows' ,garden4 ,on the way ,paul remembered that another ,children's ,special ,service ,mission had been in the air for that ,august4 ,dick ,hartley had urged it4 ,well1 it was no longer in the air4 7#c7 ,paul met his parents on the station platform4 ,mr4 ,kestern shook his hand firmly2 his mother kissed him with tears of pride in her eyes4 ,oh1 ,paul1 she whispered1 ,i'm so glad4 ,father's just delighted4 ,the ,lord has given you brains1 sonnie1 said the clergyman4 ,i pray that you will use them always in ,his service4 ,yes1 father1 said ,paul4 ,i say1 ,i've such news for you4 ,so have we1 ,paul1 said ,mrs4 ,kestern4 ,madeline and ,mr4 ,ernest are coming up to see you take your degree4 ,are they8 ,how jolly6 ,we'll have a picnic up the river4 ,but you'll never guess what ,i've got to tell you4 ,wait till we're in the cab4 ,porter1 lend a hand with these traps1 will you8 ,i've got rooms for you quite near ,st4 ,mary's1 mother4 ,yes1 dear4 ,oh1 ,paul1 ,i can't believe you're grown up6 ,it's so funny to have my little son taking rooms for me4 ,paul took her arm4 ,but1 mater dear1 ,i wish you would remember how old ,i am4 ,mrs4 ,kestern sighed4 ,we don't want to lose you1 dear1 she said wistfully4 ,they were on thin ice1 he thought4 ,come on1 this way4 ,that cab will do for us4 ,in you get1 mother4 ,well1 ,paul1 and what's the great news8 asked his father as they drove off4 ,paul studied his face4 ,he could not tell how he would take it4 ,he would be disappointed1 but he might be rather proud4 ,anyway1 he must plunge4 ,mr4 ,tressor1 father1 wants me to go down to ,fordham1 nominally as his agent1 really to have a year at least in which to write4 ,he thinks ,i shall be able to do some good stuff4 ,it will cost me nothing2 he will even give me a small salary2 and ,i shall really and truly be able to write at last4 ,paul6 cried his mother1 and glanced swiftly at his father4 ,his father was not looking at him4 ,i take it1 then1 he said1 that this project--possibility--of joining the ,church of ,rome1 is postponed--indefinitely8 ,yes1 replied ,paul1 suddenly astonished4 ,thank ,god1 said ,mr4 ,kestern1 thank ,god4 7,he paused a second1 swallowing in his throat47 ,may ,i be forgiven for doubting that our ,lord ever failed to hear and answer prayer4 ,a little burst of anger flashed in ,paul's heart4 ,at ,thurloe ,end1 he said1 ,i should have become a ,roman ,catholic if--if---- ,he remembered ,tressor's comment1 and stopped4 ,if6 ,if what8 ,his mother supplied a further example of the diverse possible interpretations of that incident4 ,oh1 my son1 she said1 you will never know how your father agonised in prayer for you4 ,all the time you were in that terrible place---- ,that will do1 mother1 put in ,mr4 ,kestern quickly4 ,the lad has been saved1 as it were1 out of the mouth of the lion4 ,that is enough4 ,thank ,god1 thank ,god4 ,and when do you go to ,fordham1 ,paul8 ,enthusiasm had died in the boy4 ,in ,august1 father1 he said heavily4 ,for a year1 ,paul8 ,you will be able to go to ,ridley ,hall afterwards8 ,i don't know1 mother4 ,or at least---- ,it all depends1 anyway4 ,mr4 ,tressor must take a great interest in you1 dear4 ,shall we meet him8 ,your father and ,i would like to thank him for his great kindness to our boy4 ,he is coming to lunch1 said ,paul4 ,mrs4 ,roper is probably getting it ready now4 ,manning and ,strether are coming too4 ,it'll be a bit of a tight fit1 but ,i think we can all squeeze in somehow4 ,it was two years since his parents had last been in his rooms4 ,his father's first look was for the text4 ,it hung there still1 ,paul having stubbornly refused to take it down4 ,the man remembered that first prayer1 and again saw the hand of ,god upon him for good4 ,then he espied the writing-desk2 by this time it was a crucifix that hung there4 ,he looked quickly away2 it were best to say nothing4 ,his wife took that cue from him4 ,besides1 she had eyes for the oar that hung immense the length of the wall4 ,is that your oar1 dear8 she asked4 ,did you row with it8 ,paul smiled4 ,no1 mummie1 he said with affectionate raillery1 ,i used it for a walking-stick4 ,she glanced at him incredulously4 ,then smiled4 ,you shouldn't laugh at me1 she said4 ,paul1 where did you get the pictures6 ,she was examining his prints4 ,do you like them1 mother8 he asked proudly4 ,fairly1 ,paul4 ,but ,i think ,i liked those dogs you had best4 ,you always were an odd boy4 ,do you remember your doves1 and your newts8 ,nasty things4 ,he laughed outright4 ,oh1 mother1 he said1 my poor prints6 ,but ,i've got the ,landseers stored in the ,gyp-room and ,i'll bring them home for you4 ,thank you1 dear4 ,i think they'd do nicely in your old bedroom1 and they'll remind you of college when you come home4 ,paul was not required to answer4 ,manning knocked1 came in1 and was introduced4 ,the days that followed were unforgettable4 ,for one thing1 they were to be the last in the old town and each one had to be savoured to the full4 ,for another1 only a few men1 waiting for degrees1 were up1 and ,paul had to take his people through colleges and churches and chapels that were not wholly deserted1 but in which1 nevertheless1 beauty reigned supreme in unaccustomed silence4 ,he had a new pride in lawn and court and hall4 ,in a little1 he was to be a part of the ancient place1 an admitted son1 and a son1 moreover1 who could1 so to speak1 look his foster-mother fairly in the face4 ,each separate street and building1 too1 held a remembered association4 ,it was odd to recall how he had peered through the gate of ,christ's and wondered if it were ,st4 ,mary's2 wandered through ,trinity1 not quite sure that he had a right to be there2 bought his first cake in that little grocer's2 swept1 one rag night1 triumphantly down ,pety ,cury in a hurrying host with proctors hard in the rear4 ,then he had to show the ,henry ,martyn ,hall1 ,parker's ,piece1 ,st4 ,saviour's1 and he even dared greatly and pointed out the creeper-fronted ,catholic presbytery4 ,besides1 the days gave him a new intimacy with his parents4 ,a barrier had gone1 now that the spectre of the ,scarlet ,woman no longer peeped out of every conversation4 ,also the furnishings of ,claxted at least were not here4 ,his father1 it is true1 occasionally probed him to see how far the original impulse to take ,anglican ,orders really remained1 but the thrusts were easily parried4 ,his mother was more of a difficulty4 ,in ,great ,st4 ,mary's she had laid a hand on his arm4 ,i wonder if ,i shall ever see my son preach in that pulpit1 she said wistfully4 ,paul had no heart to shatter her dream4 ,i wonder1 he replied lightly4 ,but he knew that he did not4 ,the ,ernests came up the day before the great occasion4 ,in the afternoon1 the five of them went to a tea garden on the ,upper ,river4 ,paul refrained from asking any other men for two reasons3 for one1 there was no one up1 unless it were ,strether1 who would mix with his father and ,mr4 ,ernest2 for the other it was rather a wonderful ,madeline that he met on the station platform4 ,he never guessed how perseveringly the visit and the garnishings had been schemed for1 planned and prepared4 ,he only knew that she wore an amazingly simple frock and a big hat from whose shade the regular beauty of her face looked out at him4 ,in the shaded sunlight1 her big eyes1 under the dark lashes striking and unusual in so fair a blonde1 laughed up at his4 ,i say1 ,paul1 she said1 you've no idea how proud we are of you4 ,don't1 he cried1 you'll make me horribly nervous4 ,rubbish1 you never are1 she challenged4 ,but it was not that that made her look away content4 ,strether saw them together1 and found occasion to make enquiries in his own fashion4 ,who's the girl8 he growled4 ,paul told him1 gaily4 ,humph6 ,disgustin'4 ,better tell her there's no vicar's wife job going beggin'4 ,you old ass1 said ,paul4 ,but he told her1 all the same4 ,after tea1 the elders sat on in the dappled shade1 and ,paul dug out a punt and put the girl into it4 ,they floated gently into ,paradise1 and he pulled in under a spreading tree4 ,by ,jove1 it's hot1 he said4 ,i think we'll lay up1 if you don't mind4 ,of course4 ,come and sit down4 ,she moved her skirt and shifted a cushion4 ,she had no doubt whatever where he was to sit4 ,he threw himself down beside her4 ,may ,i smoke8 he asked4 ,claxted seemed impossibly far4 ,of course4 ,i love it1 you know4 ,i don't see why you shouldn't4 ,he tapped his cigarette on his case4 ,no1 he said vaguely4 ,it was so trifling an incident1 but it was one among many4 ,madeline at ,cambridge was1 somehow1 a new ,madeline4 ,he was aware how much he liked the change1 and he resolved to take ,strether's advice4 ,do you know what ,i'm going to do next year8 he asked4 ,no4 ,ridley8 ,he told her4 ,she lay quite still4 ,then she heaved a little sigh4 ,she couldn't help it4 ,for one thing1 ,paul was rather delicious in his collarless shirt and blazer1 the pillar of his throat good to see4 ,for another1 there was utter charm about them3 the soft-flowing river1 the whisper of the water under the punt's stern1 the tall trees that met high overhead and interlaced in their delicate beauty1 the bright sunlight on the green fields and swifter flow yonder1 without the brooky tunnel4 ,and besides---- ,i prayed about it1 ,paul1 she said simply4 ,she meant it4 ,in her own way1 she meant it absolutely4 ,honestly1 too1 she was too glad to think for a moment1 as she might have done1 that perhaps this was the very best opening of them all4 ,yet1 after all1 it was not4 ,you prayed1 queried ,paul1 frankly astonished4 ,yes4 ,i thought you liked that horrid ,father ,vassall too much4 ,i thought you'd become a ,roman ,catholic as sure as fate4 ,mother said---- ,but never mind4 ,you won't now anyway4 ,oh1 ,paul1 will you write a real play8 ,look here1 he said grimly1 ,i don't suppose ,i'll ever be a parson4 ,of course not4 ,you can do much bett---- ,no1 7she was very honest7 that's not right4 ,i admire clergymen ever so much4 ,but you know1 ,paul1 almost anyone can be a clergyman4 ,can they8 ,yes1 ,i suppose you're right4 ,it looks rather like it anyway4 ,of course they can4 ,ethel ,cator's brother is going to be a clergyman2 you know him3 he sings rather nicely4 ,but just fancy writing a play6 ,paul1 ,i don't care what they say at ,claxted3 you must give me a box the first night4 ,paul suddenly thought he would4 ,she looked up at him dreamily4 ,you might even be an actor yourself1 she said4 ,do you remember those charades that ,christmas at the ,gators'8 ,then a trifle hastily3 ,talking of them reminds me4 ,she had taken off her hat4 ,her hair was so much sunshot silk4 ,and ,paul understood all about the charades at the ,gators'4 ,he had extemporised the whole affair1 scene by scene4 ,it was the one thing he loved at parties4 ,and one scene had been the deck of a ship in the evening1 a piano playing in the background1 she in a chair1 he1 playing the lover1 leaning on the bulwark4 ,they had played it rather too well1 if anything1 though the ,gators were not the sort of people1 even at ,claxted1 to mind4 ,and afterwards1 ,paul remembered1 they had been chaffed over it1 in a jolly kind of way1 and he had been flattered1 and they had gone on playing they were lovers1 especially going down to supper1 on the stairs4 ,it was rather nice of her to remember4 ,he leant a little towards her4 ,i remember1 he said1 looking down into her face4 ,we shall never see you after you go to ,mr4 ,tressor's4 ,you certainly will1 he vowed4 ,i shall jolly well come4 ,and ,i say1 perhaps you and your father might even come to see me1 at ,fordham4 ,oh1 she breathed1 that would be jolly4 ,but it won't be possible1 you know1 unless---- ,unless what8 ,she looked up swiftly1 and away4 ,a spirit moved in ,paul1 but then1 after all1 he was not going to be a parson4 ,he reached out and took her hand4 ,unless what8 ,she laughed4 ,but perhaps you'll come back and preach occasionally at the ,mission ,hall1 she said4 ,the workers will miss you1 ,paul4 ,mr4 ,derrick1 ,albert ,vintner and ,edith ,thornton4 ,paul gave no sign1 or he thought he did not4 ,she studied him4 ,the temptation to probe a little further was irresistible4 ,miss ,thornton's getting quite ,high ,church1 she said4 ,her people are rather worried about it4 ,well1 said ,paul1 rapidly mastering himself and speaking deliberately now1 ,i'm inclined to be ,high ,church myself1 come to that4 ,the ,catholic religion's rather wonderful1 ,madeline4 ,father ,vassall thought ,i ought to be a ,redemptorist4 ,what's that8 ,a friar4 ,a member of the religious order of the ,redemptorists4 ,they preach missions--a sort of ,catholic evangelists4 ,is ,father ,vassall a ,redemptorist8 ,oh1 no4 ,he's a secular priest4 ,she nodded4 ,yes1 that's it4 ,he isn't a monk or a friar1 but he'd like you to be one4 ,i know4 ,i've heard father talk about it4 ,paul detected the sneer4 ,he was perfectly cool now4 ,more than that1 he was getting angry4 ,but he still held her hand1 and she noticed nothing4 ,edith ,thornton1 he said1 is rather wonderful4 ,madeline shifted a little4 ,is she8 she questioned4 ,i can't say ,i know her very well4 ,she's full of good works1 of course4 ,i expect she'd make a splendid wife for a curate4 ,she'd rather like to marry a clergyman1 ,paul4 ,wouldn't you1 ,madeline8 ,she smiled slowly4 ,i think ,i'd rather marry a--a---- ,for the life of him he couldn't help it4 ,an actor1 perhaps1 he said1 or an author4 ,she flushed4 ,i don't know1 she said in an undertone4 ,he laughed suddenly4 ,well1 ,madeline1 he said1 ,i'll remember4 ,i expect ,i'll be able to introduce you to ever so many4 ,and ,i'm sure they'd want to marry you anyway4 ,there'll be no need to pray about that4 ,he let go her hand and stood up4 ,by ,jove1 he said1 ,i think we ought to be getting back4 7#d7 ,so1 then1 the great day came and went4 ,scarlet splashed the streets4 ,self-conscious young men moved about them in rabbit-skin hoods and undergraduate gowns and fluttering bows of white1 girls walked beside them in conscious surrender of one day at any rate to superior claims1 and parents brooded majestically in the background4 ,the files of neophytes lined up on the crowded floor of the ,senate ,house in an atmosphere of subdued whispering talk1 peering over heads and round shoulders in an endeavour to see what was going forward at the far end4 ,one had occasional glimpses of a rather bored-looking personage in robes on a raised chair1 dons with sheafs of papers in the vicinity1 and some young man or another kneeling in stiff self-consciousness4 ,other colleges' undergraduates went up1 applauded by compatriots1 disdained by the rest4 ,paul was vividly rejoiced that he came from ,st4 ,mary's and not from ,emmanuel or ,cats42 an ,emmanuel rowing-blue1 arriving a little late1 shouldered past him with a glance that shouted aloud the absurdity of those half-dozen ,st4 ,mary's men4 ,an usher gave them their signal4 ,paul found himself in a cleared space1 and saw ,tressor looming large on its edge4 ,he was aware that he had to kneel in a feudal attitude and that the ,vice-,chancellor was murmuring ,latin4 ,the indifference of the majority about him made the whole ceremony oddly impersonal4 ,and now they were all out again1 and there was the faade of the ,library1 and the buttresses of ,king's ,chapel1 looking stained and grey against a grey sky4 ,that evening1 ,paul had an odd encounter4 ,he had seen his people to their rooms1 and1 returning1 hesitated to ring the bell and enter college4 ,it had become a jolly night of stars1 with a fleeting mist on the river1 and he was going down for good the very next day4 ,he thought he would walk through the old town for the last time1 in the ways he had walked so many times during the past three years1 his mind in a whirl of thought4 ,so he strolled over the bridge1 and down past spectral ,st4 ,laurence's1 and round the corner by portentous ,john's1 and so on to ,trinity4 ,and as he drew near to ,trinity1 the sound of bolts being withdrawn in the great gateway came to his ears in the stillness4 ,the door opened1 and a tall figure emerged4 ,good-night1 my lord1 said the porter's voice1 subservient1 deferential4 ,good-night1 replied the other cheerfully1 and strode briskly forward4 ,paul smiled to himself4 ,when the black-gaitered figure came abreast1 he1 too1 spoke4 ,good evening1 my lord1 he said4 ,the ,bishop of ,mozambique halted and stared through the night at his interlocutor curiously4 ,good evening1 he said4 ,i fear ,i don't recognise you4 ,naturally1 said ,paul4 ,do you remember a railway carriage8 ,what6 ,the sampler of ,keswick ,conventions and ,wesleyan--was it8--,conferences4 ,a rather dogmatic and assertive young man1 if ,i remember rightly4 ,of course4 ,how are you8 ,very well1 thanks4 ,i've stayed up to take my degree4 ,good4 ,congratulations4 ,what class did you get8 ,paul told him4 ,splendid1 said the other1 looking down more closely4 ,and now what's the next move8 ,have you made up your mind yet8 ,how's ,father ,vassall8 ,paul was wide awake and in a state of mental exaltation4 ,the other's voice was kindly and cheerful1 and somehow invited confidences4 ,he thought rapidly1 that1 after all1 here was an adviser to hand whose point of view would be interesting hearing4 ,probably they would never meet again1 and instinctively he knew that this big1 almost boyish bishop would spare him five minutes and respect his confession4 ,moreover1 though the ,bishop of ,mozambique could hardly be said to be in any way representative of the ,church of ,england1 at any rate he was an ,anglican bishop with authority and ,paul was still of his communion4 ,it was a rapid and impulsive decision1 but once made1 he acted immediately upon it4 ,are you in a hurry8 he asked4 ,not particularly1 said the ,bishop1 but ,i'm lodging at ,selwyn and must get back pretty soon4 ,may ,i walk up with you8 ,i wanted a stroll4 ,it's my last ,cambridge night1 and it would be jolly through the ,backs4 ,delighted4 ,shall we get on8 ,they paced off together1 a few steps in silence4 ,then ,paul explained4 ,i've decided what to do1 temporarily at least4 ,it doesn't matter what just now1 but it means a rejection of ,orders1 for a time at any rate1 and also of the ,church of ,rome4 ,now ,i came to that conclusion at ,father ,vassall's house down at ,thurloe ,end last vac41 but it has troubled me1 more or less1 ever since4 ,i've heard several opinions upon it1 none of which agree with my own1 and ,i'd very much like yours4 ,you see1 you're the only bishop ,i know1 and--and--you're ,church of ,england too4 ,the big man laughed4 ,excellent1 he said4 ',i'm ,church of ,england too4' ,well1 well4444 ,but ,i suppose ,i am1 and if ,i can do anything ,i'll be delighted4 ,not particularly for that reason though4 ,paul sensed humour1 but he could not see it4 ,the other's voice1 however1 was very friendly4 ,and when the ,bishop thrust his hand into his arm and bade him get on with it1 he did so4 ,once more again1 then1 this time under the shadowy high trees1 as they paced in the scented dark past ,fellows' gardens and placid sleeping lawns1 ,paul told of his conflict in the little chapel4 ,the ,bishop heard him very gravely4 ,he asked a question or two as the story was told1 but for the most part heard in silence4 ,and when the boy finished1 they walked a good hundred yards before he spoke4 ,then1 looking straight before him1 weightily1 gently1 he delivered his verdict4 ,kestern1 he said1 ,i will tell you what ,i think1 and ,i am pretty sure of it because1 though ,i've seen so little of you1 ,i feel fairly sure of you4 ,i believe you love our ,lord with all your heart4 ,i believe you wish to serve ,him4 ,and therefore ,i can tell you what ,i think of that experience in the chapel4 ,paul said nothing4 ,perhaps the other waited for him to speak1 perhaps he did not4 ,at any rate1 at last he spoke again4 ,indirectly he passed his judgment4 ',he shall give ,his angels charge concerning thee'1 he quoted1 'to keep thee in all thy ways4' ,and once more ,paul could not believe his ears4 ,in silence the two finished their walk4 ,they stood for a few minutes outside of ,selwyn ,lodge1 the tall big man looking into the boy's face with oddly troubled eyes4 ,but---- he said at last4 ,he broke off abruptly4 ,i won't say it1 he said4 ,it's not my job4 ,you've asked me one thing1 and given me one confidence2 ,i can say no more4 ,you must settle your own life4 ,that's what ,father ,vassall says1 put in ,paul4 ,the other nodded4 ,he knows1 of course1 he said1 as one professional might speak of another4 ,but look here3 we could do with you in ,mozambique if you care to come4 ,paul was interiorly shaken by that more than a little4 ,it was so sudden4 ,in a flash1 he saw a path before his feet4 ,a clergyman1 a missionary2 not quite as he had imagined1 but suppose the ,bishop1 after all1 were right8 ,catholicism without the ,pope1 ,catholicism in a sense with a kindlier1 less definite cross4 ,fordham suddenly menaced him4 ,what if it meant1 well1 well--betrayal1 a cleverly hid1 intriguing1 attractive scheme1 but betrayal4 ,he hesitated4 ,think it over1 said the ,bishop4 ,he did not1 could not know1 of course1 but the word tipped the scale4 ,think6 ,paul had thought till he could think no more4 ,for a while he was done with thought4 ,fordham meant a year's rest1 a year's solace4 ,thank you ever so much1 he said4 ,i won't forget it4 ,and thanks awfully for hearing me4 ,but ,i'm booked for a year at least4 ,good-bye4 ,good-bye1 said the ,bishop4 ,god bless you4 ,paul walked off to ,st4 ,mary's alone1 if a man who walks with a thousand fears1 doubts1 desires1 hopes and loves legioned in his heart1 ever walks alone4 ,in the morning he breakfasted with ,manning4 ,his friend was enthusiastic over the possibility of ,fordham1 and utterly and wholly delighted4 ,he himself1 having spent a fourth year in research work1 was off to ,central ,africa in ,september to shoot big game and incidentally study tropical medicine1 but he would see ,paul at the ,manor before he went4 ,he was an odd mixture1 and ,paul rather envied him4 ,money1 or the lack of it1 did not hamper him2 in his own subject1 he was distinctly brilliant2 yet his science was a plaything in his life4 ,he did not sit lightly to the serious subjects that worried ,paul1 but he rode them on the curb with easy mastery4 ,paul was increasingly aware that he wanted1 nowadays1 to talk to ,manning4 ,thus1 then1 that the second post and not the first brought him his letter1 mattered not a little--perhaps4 ,,my ,,dear 7,father ,vassall wrote71 ,i'll be quite honest2 ,i don't like it4 ,it seems to me that you are going down to ,fordham as ,jonah took ship for ,tarshish4 ,god grant there's a storm--and a whale6 ,i shall pray for it anyway1 so look out4 ,of course1 after your visit here1 ,i've no right to judge1 for ,i believe you did not play tricks4 ,but it beats me4444 ,honestly1 ,i'd rather1 far rather1 hear that you were going to be a ,,protestant ,,clergyman6 ,however1 ,i'm here if you want me4 ,paul1 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,kestern1 ,mr4 ,ernest and ,madeline caught the #aa4bj to town4 ,they were all a bit subdued1 especially ,madeline4 ,,chapter ,,ix ,,fordham ,foot after foot ye go back and travail and make yourselves mad2 ,blind feet that feel for the track where highway is none to be had4 ,therefore the ,god that ye make you is grievous1 and gives not aid1 ,because it is but for your sake that the ,god of your making is made4 99 99 99 99 99 ,cry out1 for his kingdom is shaken2 cry out1 for the people blaspheme2 ,cry aloud till his godhead awaken2 what doth he to sleep and to dream8 ,is not this the great ,god of your sires1 that with souls and with bodies was fed1 ,and the world was on flame with his fires8 ,o fools1 he was ,god1 and is dead4 ,,algernon ,,charles ,,swinburne3 ,hymn of ,man4 ,le silence ternel de ces espaces infinis m'effraie4--,,pascal3 ,penses4 ,and that inverted ,bowl we call the ,sky1 ,whereunder crawling coop't we live and die1 ,lift not thy hands to ,it for help--for ,it ,rolls impotently on as ,thou or ,i4 ,,omar ,,khayy,m4 7#a7 ,ursula ,manning stared out at the rods of rain4 ,chanctonbury ,ring was all but blotted out2 she could just see the crown of beeches when the mists were blown aside for a few moments1 and that was all4 ,the woods below stood heavy and motionless1 and the fields between them and the cottage lay stretched out1 drinking it in4 ,it had been a hot dry summer1 and the whole world was rejoicing in the rain4 ,that decided ,ursula4 ,she turned back into the bedroom1 opened a wardrobe1 and took out an old tweed skirt and jumper4 ,then she took off most of her clothes and assumed these4 ,she let down her hair1 twisted it into a long black plait1 tied it firmly1 and swung the heavy mass over her shoulder with a defiant jerk4 ,then1 bareheaded1 she went downstairs humming a little song1 and selected a stick in the hall4 ,she looked about eighteen1 dressed so4 ,her mother came out of the sitting-room4 ,ursula1 she cried1 you're not going out6 ,yes1 mother1 ,i am4 ,why not8 ,the rain's heavenly1 and the woods have spread out their hands to it4 ,and ,i want to get soaked4 ,the elder lady stood irresolute1 a ludicrous expression of dismay in her face4 ,the girl looked at her and laughed4 ,oh1 mother1 she cried1 say it if it's any help6 ,mrs4 ,manning1 at that1 smiled ruefully4 ,ursula1 she said1 it's all very well1 but you are trying4 ,you'll probably catch your death of cold4 ,ursula opened the door and stepped into the porch4 ,she looked up into the leaden sky and down at the runnels of water on either side of the little garden path to the gate4 ,then she glanced back at her mother1 smiled at her1 waved her hand1 and stepped into the downpour without a word4 ,her mother gave a little scream4 ,ursula6 ,where's your mac48 ,the muffled click of the latch at the gate answered her4 ,it opened into a little lane that ran down on the left to a main road and up on the right towards the woods below ,chanctonbury4 ,up this then1 she went1 swinging her stick1 swinging out4 ,the rain fell steadily around and upon her1 and ever and again she lifted her face to it and smiled slowly to herself at the kiss and sting of it4 ,in a little the winding track became a mere footpath and debouched into an old chalk-quarry1 cut from the side of the hill1 fringed with immense beech-trees and an occasional oak4 ,the girl ran a few steps up a sodden low bank and stood for a moment looking down into the great bowl4 ,a continual patter and sough of rain came up to her1 though here1 under the giant trees1 less of the actual downpour reached her4 ,the white chalk shone through the misty air4 ,a miniature torrent poured as a little waterfall over the far brink and splashed below on to bushes and brambles4 ,a warm1 rich1 wet fragrance rose all about her1 and every living green thing seemed stretched out and motionless in an utter ecstasy of enjoyment4 ,the girl drew a deep breath4 ,unconsciously1 she was registering it all4 ,all the grey monotones1 all the myriad little drips and splashings1 all the washed leaves and grasses around and underfoot1 and all the tall upreaching brown trunks that rose against the teeming sky1 were impressing themselves upon her mind4 ,she knew it as an instinct and stood there to miss nothing4 ,and one day ,ursula ,manning would paint just such a picture1 and people would wonder how she did it1 and the critics talk of her unique gift4 ,but at the quarry she turned to the left4 ,the high soaked grasses reached to her knees2 last year's litter of leaves clung to her feet2 sprays of bramble clutched at her short skirt2 but she moved slowly and persistently on4 ,her eyes1 that looked at you always without a tremor1 glanced quietly right and left as she went4 ,by field-path and coppice1 and now in a sunken lane that skirted an old wall behind which rose ,fordham ,manor1 she made her way4 ,she was drenched through and through1 but it was warm rain1 and besides the exercise kept her warm4 ,the pores of her skin1 like those of the woods and the plants1 opened to the joyous quickening benison of it4 ,rain dripped from her plaited hair and shone on her face4 ,and still she moved steadily through it1 with the erect carriage and proud swing of her1 and those resolute eager eyes4 ,just past the old wall1 where it turns to run up to the coach-house and stables and barns against which fruitful ancient fig-trees grow1 she crossed a field diagonally to her left4 ,its boundary hedge was thick and she moved along to the right seeking an opening4 ,not until she was all but at the corner did she find it1 and there1 pushing back a tangle of old man's beard and bryony1 she leapt through and out on to the carriage-drive running by the park up to the house4 ,and just then a car turned the corner and swept past her4 ,there were three men in it besides the driver4 ,one sat next him1 his hat pulled down1 muffled in an overcoat1 but she knew him4 ,of the others1 one turned and waved cheerfully over the back as the car went on4 ,she knew him1 too1 just as she knew that he was arriving that day to stay with ,mr4 ,tressor4 ,the third man she did not know4 ,she smiled suddenly to herself4 ,it was plain they had been caught in the open car by the sudden storm1 driving up from ,brighton probably4 ,what fun6 ,her cousin hated rain4 ,manning turned back to ,paul4 ,my cousin ,ursula1 he said4 ,she lives just here1 when she's not in town4 ,possibly you know the name4 ,she paints1 and has rather a growing reputation4 ,oh1 said ,paul4 ,what in the world was she doing out in this then8 ,she looked drowned4 ,i know4 ,she loves that sort of thing4 ,i wonder what you'll think of her1 ,paul4 ,why8 ,i don't know4 ,she's rather unusual4 ,not your sort at all ,i should imagine4 ,but--well1 ,i don't know4 ,it will be rather amusing to see4 7#b7 ,ursula went on down the drive1 her thoughts idle1 her appreciation vivid4 ,arrived in the macadamised road of civilisation1 she followed it without giving a thought to the fact that girls1 soaked to the skin1 hatless but happy1 are rareties along even country roads4 ,the surface had been rapidly softening under the downpour1 but little she cared for that either4 ,blackberries gleamed scarlet1 purple1 black in every hedge2 thrushes1 in the now gentle rain1 were already out on the war-path for worms2 and the sweep of the ,south ,downs on her right was visible through the dripping trees4 ,ursula began to sing to herself as she went1 breaking off to nod friendlily to a carter who knew her1 and picking up her song again without troubling whether or not he was out of earshot4 ,that was her way4 ,she had always seen clearly and scorned muddle-headed conventionalities2 at first1 while her father lived and she was still in her teens1 with a certain submission to authority1 but since1 after her twenty-first birthday1 quite openly and frankly4 ,her mother1 who never had had much of a will of her own1 gave in to her daughter as she had to her husband4 ,thus1 at ,ursula's suggestion1 they had taken the old cottage under ,chanctonbury on the edge1 but actually part of1 ,mr4 ,tressor's estate1 and ,mrs4 ,manning had been forced to admit the advantage of the change from the big establishment which ,mr4 ,manning had maintained as befitted a banking magnate4 ,then1 a rather lonely aunt coming to live with them1 the girl had announced her intention of having a flat and studio in town1 and since she had her own money and moreover made more1 nothing in the world was able to prevent her4 ,she came and went now between the two1 with intervals of wandering abroad4 ,she had a big circle of her own acquaintances of whom her mother knew little1 chiefly however1 it must be confessed1 because she did not understand more than about a third of what they said and did when they came down to ,sussex with her daughter2 but she had only a few friends4 ,these her mother knew less than the rest1 retaining enough spirit to avow definitely that she did not want to know them4 ,they professed views and took part in movements which were1 frankly1 beyond toleration4 ,there was ,muriel ,lister1 for example1 who preached in churches and actually led a campaign for the admission of women to the priesthood4 ,yet ,ursula herself took active part in no movements or campaigns4 ,on account of this it was perhaps odd that the leaders of them should be her friends4 ,but then a subtle reason underlay that4 ,for ,ursula was rather a good person to talk to1 and a very good person to have coffee with by night in her studio after the fatigue of committees1 inclined1 as is the way of committees1 to be a little heavy in hand4 ,she was sympathetic1 understanding1 entirely capable of giving an opinion1 but she did not say much4 ,also she was clean-handed1 so to speak4 ,it was a little irritating1 possibly1 at times1 that she was so resolutely unimpassioned when a reactionary bishop insulted women or ministers took back by some ,civil ,service ,regulation what the ,removal of ,sex ,disabilities ,act had given4 ,but one knew it was ,ursula4 ,and one knew1 moreover1 that at a crisis neither bishop nor ministers mattered to her a toss of her present rain-soaked plait4 ,for ,ursula1 with her quiet1 good-humoured resolution and her unquestioned art1 not only saw life from an enviable angle1 but quietly acted as if that were the only one from which it should be seen by reasonable people4 ,her cousin had once said of her that she pressed towards the goal with apostolic conviction4 ,not that it was a wholly good definition because1 unlike the apostle1 she tried to make no proselytes1 seeing the world about her as a very lovely satisfying thing with which she was content to be satisfied4 ,constitutionally1 and from environment1 no lost cause had as yet come vividly her way4 ,two days later she was introduced to ,paul4 ,manning and he were doing the round of the park1 ,manning with a gun under his arm1 ,paul1 metaphorically1 with a pencil in his hand4 ,in other words1 he was realising what a lovely place it was4 ,the wide sweeps of grass1 the clumps of trees1 the views of the ,downs1 and the utter quiet of this little ,sussex backwater were already exercising their magic upon him4 ,the two of them had come along the northern boundary of the estate and were now skirting the lake4 ,it was a wild overgrown place1 with nothing formal about it1 a big irregular sheet of water with a tangle of weeds and lilies at one end and a regiment of great elms closing it in4 ,an avenue of limes led from it to the house1 an odd avenue that only appeared as an avenue when you came upon its entrance1 suddenly1 in the middle of grassy park-land4 ,thus it started nowhere in particular1 and1 from a distance1 had no particular object1 since the water itself lay low at the far end of it behind a raised bank4 ,paul already loved that4 ,you wandered down from the garden and saw1 suddenly1 the green guarded road of it running away into the park4 ,intrigued1 you entered1 and sauntered carelessly up it4 ,then1 at quite a long last1 you climbed the slope of the bank and suddenly saw before you this still enchanted refuge where the fish leaped in the gathering dusk and white swans sailed friendlily up in the heat of the sun4 ,here and there a fallen trunk lay half in and half out of the water4 ,in places there was no coming at the brink for forests of reeds4 ,but1 at its deepest corner1 a promontory of hazels that was almost an island1 thrust out into its serenity4 ,the friends leaped from stone to tussock and tussock to log and landed4 ,a suggestion of a path led them through the few yards of undergrowth4 ,and there1 hidden by a screen of green1 with the water at her feet1 sat ,ursula on the flat prow of a punt4 ,she was making a little water-colour1 palette in one hand1 brush in the other1 a little impressionist study of a pine that stood by himself on the bank opposite1 his brown roots reaching down into the lake4 ,hullo1 ,ursula1 said ,manning1 we didn't see you4 ,let me introduce ,paul ,kestern4 ,he's going to be a near neighbour1 so you've got to know him4 ,the girl looked up but did not move4 ,paul found himself staring across a tiny strip of water into clear brown eyes1 a pale oval face1 and a frame of black hair1 all set on a tall pillar of white throat and neck4 ,she was wearing a brilliant yellow jumper1 without adornment1 and a short blue skirt4 ,she was long-limbed1 and he realised vaguely that her white bare arms and black stockinged legs were shapely and lissom and good to see4 ,how do you do1 he said properly4 ,i've seen you before somewhere1 she replied4 ,paul was puzzled4 ,he shot a glance at ,manning1 but he was fiddling unconcernedly with his gun4 ,left to his own resources1 he continued to be polite4 ,it's awfully rude of me1 he said1 but ,i'm afraid ,i don't remember4 ,neither do ,i1 she said4 ,he smiled4 ,so did she4 ,let's call it quits1 he suggested4 ,i'm afraid ,i must1 but ,i shall hope to remember yet1 she retorted whimsically4 ,possibly it was at ,cambridge1 suggested ,paul4 ,rather not1 put in ,manning1 restoring his piece to his arm1 ,ursula never comes to see me4 ,of course not1 she returned equably1 why should ,i8 ,manning laughed4 ,they were good friends1 these two4 ,why1 indeed1 he said1 but you needn't rub it in4 ,and you might be so nice as to come and have dinner in the immediate future and make up a four at bridge4 ,you must first1 she said1 extract a nice note of invitation from ,mr4 ,tressor1 and it must include mother and auntie4 ,in addition you must call upon us4 ,call this afternoon1 and bring ,mr4 ,kestern4 ,meantime you're just a little bit of a nuisance at the moment4 ,i want to paint4 ,kestern's a poet1 remarked ,manning gravely4 ,the girl nodded4 ',leaves in ,autumn1' she said4 ,paul flushed4 ,you've read it8 he cried excitedly4 ,she smiled slowly4 ,i've even painted it1 she said4 ,what8 ,painted it4 ,that is1 there was one poem especially ,i couldn't forget4 ,i saw it rather vividly4 ,oh1 said ,paul1 with a deep breath4 ,somehow the fact that she knew of his work and had appreciated it to that extent1 seemed to him the biggest praise that he had had yet4 ,he could not take his eyes off her4 ,which one8 he asked at last4 ,she considered him a moment ,then3 ,i'll show you the sketch1 she said1 and you shall guess which it is meant to illustrate4 ,she got up as she spoke and turned round for a case that lay behind her in the punt4 ,oh1 do1 cried ,paul1 starting forward4 ,manning laughed4 ,she's not got it there1 he said4 ,something in his tone--a faint trace of mockery1 it seemed to ,paul--struck them both4 ,paul looked guilty of foolishness and the girl stood arrested4 ,they both of them looked at ,manning4 ,that instant pose remained with ,paul long afterwards as the key-note of their meeting4 ,it was symbolic1 somehow1 as if ,manning would always be faintly contemptuous of them4 ,but why1 the boy had no idea4 ,well1 said ,ursula1 and she spoke so soon that it was as if there had been no pause1 ,i have not1 it is true4 ,i was only going to pack up because ,i can paint no more just now1 thanks to you1 ,arnold1 you old rotter4 ,but ,i will do more now4 ,mr4 ,kestern1 will you walk back with me1 and see your picture8 ,may ,i8 asked ,paul eagerly4 ,manning thrust his hand into his arm4 ,what about the ,mill cottage8 he asked banteringly4 ,oh1 ,i clean forgot1 said ,paul1 and hesitated4 ,his friend laughed4 ,good ,lord1 ,paul1 he said1 a pretty sort of an agent you'll make6 ,i was taking him to see his first job1 he explained4 ,old ,morley wants a new roof1 or something of that sort4 ,but1 of course1 it doesn't matter4 ,i was only rotting4 ,we'll walk up with you1 ,ursula4 ,that'll be the call1 and on my own responsibility ,i'll invite you and my dear aunt in to bridge after dinner this very day4 ,so he's going to be ,mr4 ,tressor's agent1 said ,ursula1 busy over her painting materials4 ,well1 said ,paul honestly and a little awkwardly1 it's only an excuse1 ,i fear4 ,paul's to prove himself a poet1 said ,manning1 and incidentally to settle the theory and content of revelation4 ,perhaps you'll help him4 ,perhaps1 said the girl serenely4 ,i hope so4 ,they strolled back together1 ,manning in the middle1 and it was ,manning who did most of the talking4 ,he chatted on1 occasionally asking a question1 but for the most part taking it for granted1 apparently from experience1 that ,ursula would listen rather than speak4 ,paul1 too1 was not much included in the conversation1 which concerned the ,manning family and their friends and the girl's work4 ,thus he gathered from the bantering talk a good deal concerning her life here and in ,london1 her art and her friends4 ,it interested him profoundly4 ,she was a new type altogether in his experience1 one of which he had heard rumours1 so to speak1 at ,claxted 7where such strange goings-on were occasionally mentioned with scandalised horror71 but which one would equally fail to find at ,thurloe ,end or ,st4 ,mary's4 ,glancing past his friend from time to time1 he watched her face4 ,she turned her head but little1 walking steadily and silently forward4 ,but he noticed how she kept her eyes up1 and how she had a trick of staring at a tree or a cloud or a beast in the lush pasture with a kind of untroubled wonder4 ,it was easy to understand that here was an artist4 ,they came then to the cottage and ,paul was introduced to the mother and aunt4 ,ursula stood by while the usual things were said1 and then turned to him4 ,now1 ,mr4 ,kestern1 she said1 will you come this way8 ,her mother glanced up1 but said nothing1 and ,paul1 since no one else moved1 followed her alone4 ,she led the way upstairs and into a room over the porch1 the room from which she had watched the rain4 ,it was big and airy and light1 half studio and half bedroom4 ,the bed itself stood in an alcove1 curtained with a vivid cretonne1 blue in the main1 on which rioted a bold design of orange and yellow and scarlet fruit1 with apple-blossom and leaves4 ,the curtain was half drawn1 and the still ,puritan ,paul felt a little that he ought not to look that way4 ,ursula1 quite obviously had no such views at all1 for she crossed the room to the alcove1 pulled the curtain yet further back1 and sought for a portfolio that lay in a little recess near the head of the bed4 ,paul stood hesitatingly4 ,he did not quite know what to do4 ,the girl called to him over her shoulder4 ,sit down1 will you1 she said1 anywhere4 ,he walked over to a couch by the window and sat down1 looking out over the gay garden to the ,downs4 ,hollyhocks marched as an army with banners in a bed beneath the window4 ,chanctonbury's crown1 clear and bright in the sunlight to-day1 rose into the pale blue sky above4 ,what a glorious window-seat1 he said1 with a little note of content in his voice4 ,she threw him a glance1 but did not speak4 ,she was searching through the portfolio4 ,i think1 observed ,paul meditatively1 ,i'm the luckiest man alive to get a chance of a year here4 ,yes8 ,i can't make up my mind what to do1 you see1 he said4 ,i should have thought there was absolutely no doubt4 ,no8 queried ,paul in genuine astonishment4 ,of course not4 ,you've got to write great poetry4 ,i've also got to live1 said ,paul1 with a flicker of a smile4 ,naturally4 ,what about it8 ,well1 ,i've got to earn money4 ,ursula found what she was looking for4 ,here it is1 she said1 coming over to him4 ,and then1 carrying on the conversation3 ,i think those of us who can see and express things1 ought to think first of that1 she said4 ,after all1 one lives somehow4 ,but ,paul hardly heard4 ,he was staring at the little picture1 and was very silent4 ,she broke the silence4 ,well1 can you guess the poem8 she demanded4 ',spent1' he whispered1 half to himself4 ,her silence told him he was correct4 ,it was the short thing1 since then slightly renamed and improved1 that ,tressor had1 of all he had written1 praised superlatively4 ,of all he had written1 but1 as he looked at this1 astonishment welled up in him4 ,but this is not what ,i wrote1 he said4 ,it was a picture of dull-red angry sunset tones over a bare stony plain and a dimly-outlined ragged track4 ,a solitary figure of a man lay there1 just as he had stumbled forward and fallen at the last step4 ,the light glowed on his sunburnt nude back1 his face in shadow2 and on one other object1 for1 some short way beyond him1 was a dimly-seen ruined shrine1 with the statue of a god1 half overthrown4 ,the stone effigy reeled insecurely against a broken pillar1 and the glow of the dying sun caught on its upcast face4 ,the girl had copied some ,greek masterpiece1 and there1 in that lone waste1 as if to mock the beaten human figure1 a regular1 perfect1 immobile brow and eyes and nose and lips turned upwards to the sky4 ,in the fallen man was life1 beaten and despairing1 but life2 in the fallen god was death1 serene and lovely1 but death4 ,this is not what ,i wrote1 repeated ,paul again4 ,but you instantly named it4 ,it alone1 of the pieces in the book1 fitted at all1 he said4 ,i suspect that was not all4 ,i should not be in the least surprised if you had more in your mind than you knew4 ,anyway1 your spent day struck me so4 ,paul started1 and looked at her almost with awe4 ,he saw it all so plainly4 ,he had sat down to write one evening after a dull heavy day when all the growing doubt and despair in his soul had been surging around him4 ,he had written of a dying sun1 a barren waste1 a wearied walk1 a lost hope2 yet he had not seen this--no1 no1 not this4 ,it was an ordinary day1 said ,paul4 ,to you perhaps4 ,to me it meant a life4 ,but it's wrong of life1 he said4 ,she hesitated4 ,speaking generally1 ,i agree1 she answered1 but why do you say so8 ,that fallen god1 that empty temple1 he urged1 suddenly1 almost passionately moved1 he could hardly say why4 ,i see4 ,she was quite deliberate4 ,i remember what ,arnold said4 ,you have still an idol in the shrine4 ,god1 said ,paul reverently1 only ,he is no idol4 ,there is no god1 said ,ursula4 ,if she had lashed him with a whip1 he could not have been more startled1 more outraged4 ,there1 in that sunny window1 looking out over that gay garden1 this attractive1 striking1 interesting girl1 for whose work and thought he had already a youthful generous impulse1 had suddenly blasphemed4 ,and she had done it so coolly1 so unemotionally4 ,there is no god1 she had said1 exactly as if she had passed a detached criticism on art or verse4 ,and yet no ringing affirmation1 no dogmatic assertion to equal hers1 sprang to his lips4 ,conflict and pain had done more in his heart than he had guessed4 ,oh1 there must be1 there must be6 was all that he could cry1 as if he hoped against hope4 ,ursula took the picture from his hand and their eyes met4 ,even in his distress1 he saw the miracle4 ,hers were utterly serene4 ,he knew his own to be inchoate1 baffled1 grieved4 ,and yet in her serenity1 too1 was a touch of kindliness1 and a kind of deep wonder of understanding as if1 despite her empty heaven1 she looked on mystery4 ,something deep down in him stirred before those eyes of hers4 ,he forgot that he had only known her half a morning4 ,he forgot that he was a man and a ,christian1 and she was a girl and a heathen4 ,and he forgot entirely that it was the fool who said in his heart there is no god4 ,oh1 he cried1 you've no idea how down and out ,i am6 ,she smiled and put out her hand4 ,i'll help1 she said1 and ,i put it badly1 too1 just now4 ,peradventure there is a god1 but1 you know1 we don't know even his ,name and--and--he seems asleep4 ,they were odd words1 he thought vaguely1 but somehow there was tenderness and strength hidden in them4 ,paul ,kestern knew suddenly how much he wanted both4 ,and so he reached out1 too1 and put his hand into hers4 7#c7 ,the impression of ,ursula's personality was indeed strong enough to veil the full significance of what she had said for several days4 ,in part1 moreover1 the influence of ,tressor and ,manning1 and still more1 the business of adjustment to his new environment made for this4 ,paul always sensed the atmosphere of houses and places in rather a cat-like way1 wandering about a little1 twisting1 as it were1 in the new bed1 until it was familiar and friendly4 ,and ,fordham ,manor was so different from any other house in which he had ever stayed1 let alone lived1 that the process took time4 ,it was a very beautiful place1 of more than one date1 but the front had been wholly rebuilt in the early ,georgian period1 while the back had been left ,jacobean4 ,the result was singularly arresting4 ,strong1 severe1 plain1 dignified1 yet not pompous and over heavy1 a circular drive ran up to the entrance hall4 ,on either side equally matched buildings--the servants' quarters and the like--pushed out1 each with a little cupola and gables4 ,wide open high iron gates led to a gravelled drive with a balustrade1 a slope1 and below a big herbaceous border4 ,below that again there was a further walk1 a low railing1 and a full wide sweep of park-land where1 away to the right and but trees from here1 ran the avenue4 ,but when one skirted or passed right through the house1 one came out on a herb garden and box-trimmed walks2 and from the beds of rosemary1 lavender and thyme one looked back to the sweet smiling red brickwork and wide windows of the earlier building1 with an irregular roof and high dormer windows4 ,within1 the house had in fact many faults4 ,the rooms were much too small for its size for one thing4 ,but while this would have mattered to a family in residence1 if anything it added to its suitability for ,tressor1 a bachelor and only an occasional visitor4 ,besides there was at least one feature which admirably fitted now4 ,there was a large partially divided hall into which descended a wide dignified staircase4 ,this hall particularly pleased ,paul4 ,it was rather a stately obvious hall as one entered from the front1 but one skirted the stairs1 and behold its aspect changed4 ,the big fireplace behind was ,jacobean4 ,there was a bookcase full of new books meant to be read4 ,there were long low chairs and a plenty of rugs and footstools4 ,and the portraits in the front portion gave way to a picture or two which he was beginning to love4 ,one was a ,dutch landscape1 sombre1 mysterious1 and the other ploughlands and three strong horses that climbed a ridge in a gale of driving wind4 ,the men were already settling down4 ,they met at breakfast1 and thereafter ,tressor departed to his study and was no more seen till lunch4 ,manning and ,paul1 however1 gaily wasted half a morning4 ,they smoked a pipe in the gardens1 and picked up the newspapers in the lounge hall on their way to work afterwards1 ,paul usually reading or glancing through anything he had done the day before4 ,in the afternoon1 they rode or motored or walked1 found tea waiting them on their return1 and separated for a couple of hours' more serious going before the dressing bell4 ,in the evening things seemed to fall out with easy content1 though ,tressor would withdraw to his study again as often as not4 ,it was all rather leisured and easy4 ,expressed in colour1 ,paul thought of ,claxted as having none2 of ,thurloe ,end as black and white and scarlet2 of ,fordham as blue and old gold within and brown and green without4 ,as for duties1 as yet he had none worth the mention4 ,old ,mrs4 ,bird1 the housekeeper1 and he1 already loved each other4 ,it was obvious that she proposed to take charge of him4 ,rider1 who combined the functions of valet and butler and chauffeur1 had instructions to take ,paul over when ,tressor was away1 and seemed gravely imperturbed4 ,timothy1 the head gardener and an institution1 appeared actually prepared to teach him a little2 and as for the gamekeeper1 who lived at the lodge1 he talked dogs and horses with ,manning by the hour1 and accepted ,paul because he could listen with grave attention4 ,in a word1 the establishment was plainly ready to accept him1 and he was1 as he should have been1 profoundly grateful4 ,it was thus1 then1 after a morning stroll1 while ,manning was perfunctorily looking through ,the ,times1 that ,paul broached the agnosticism of ,ursula4 ,the ladies had dined at the ,manor the previous evening1 and she had sung4 ,paul had had no conversation out of the ordinary with her1 and yet once again the strength of her personality had impressed him4 ,so now1 as he stood by the carved and decorated mantelpiece and looked out through the open window to the sunny garden1 sniffing the fragrant scent of herbs and box that wafted in1 the girl was vividly in his mind4 ,arnold1 he said4 ,yes8 ,what's up now8 ,i say1 ,i like your cousin4 ,manning folded the paper carelessly and tossed it aside1 feeling for his tobacco pouch4 ,i'm sure ,i'm very pleased1 he said4 ,don't rag4 ,she worries me4 ,i thought you said you liked her4 ,so ,i do1 but it is exactly that that worries me4 ,she's an atheist4 ,true4 ,it runs in the family in this generation4 ,a reaction perhaps4 ,her father was a churchwarden1 and her mother likes the vicar to call once a month4 ,paul shifted uneasily4 ,it isn't a subject for joking to me1 he said4 ,you know that1 very well you know it4 ,i may be in difficulties1 but ,i believe in ,god with all my heart4 ,manning leaned back easily in his chair and lit his pipe4 ,you think you do1 he said1 between the puffs4 ,paul rounded on him eagerly4 ,but ,i do1 he insisted4 ,to be honest1 it is an utter mystery to me how you do not4 ,i can't conceive of it at all4 ,i know we've never discussed the point before--it hasn't seemed to me worth discussion1 the existence of ,god1 ,i mean--but ,i want to now4 ,ahl ,and why now8 ,because1 impossible as it seems to me in your or anybody's case1 that your cousin should say ',there is no god' utterly staggers me4 ,when did she say that8 ,paul told him4 ,he smoked thoughtfully4 ,humph1 he said at last1 dubiously1 but ,i doubt if ,ursula is as much an atheist as an agnostic4 ,she probably put it that way because her god1 whatever she thinks1 has nothing worth mentioning in common with any idea of ,god in your mind4 ,paul regarded him for a moment in troubled silence1 weighing his words4 ,then he sighed4 ,it is utterly beyond me1 he said4 ,how1 in the face of things as they are1 you or anyone can fail to believe in a ,creator1 an ,inspirer1 a ,supporter1 ,i do not see4 ,it may be old-fashioned1 but even ,paley's ,evidences seem good enough to me4 ,allow evolution if you like1 allow anything1 you've got to get back to something4 ,there must have been a beginning1 even if it was all the most tenuous of spiral nebul4 ,well1 who made that8 ,i haven't the remotest notion1 said ,manning4 ,well1 but4444 ,yes8 ,well1 if ,god didn't create it1 how did it come8 ,what other hypothesis is possible8 ,it's not conceivable1 thinkable even at all1 that matter is eternal4 ,why1 eternity1 backwards or forwards1 is unthinkable4 ,exactly4 ,yet you ascribe this unthinkable attribute to ,god4 ,paul knit his brows4 ,one must1 he objected4 ,no1 said ,manning1 sitting up sharply1 that's exactly where you're wrong4 ,one most emphatically must not4 ,complete bewilderment settled down on ,paul4 ,he made a characteristic little gesture at last4 ,i suppose ,i haven't the intelligence necessary to follow you1 he said almost bitterly4 ,paul1 said ,manning1 you have1 that's the rub4 ,more1 ,i shouldn't be in the least surprised if you did4 ,you've been ,god-ridden all your life1 obsessed1 bound1 but you've broken steadily away from the chains4 ,it seems inevitable to me that sooner or later you will break with this also4 ,if ,i've said nothing much so far1 it's because1 in a way1 ,i'm not interested4 ,i like you too much to want to see you rot up your life with ,roman ,catholicism or any arrant nonsense of that sort1 but ,i've always thought you had better keep your ,god till--till---- ,he hesitated4 ,then3 ,possibly till the right person came along to deliver you4 ,you mean your cousin1 ,i suppose1 ,paul said slowly4 ,indeed ,i do not1 replied ,manning quickly4 ,i had no idea you two would seriously broach the subject4 ,but it is interesting that it has come that way4 ,you're in good hands1 though ,ursula keeps more of the cargo than ,i can carry4 ,precious little1 ,i should think1 retorted ,paul4 ,well1 you can discuss that with her4 ,as for myself---- ,yes1 then1 as for yourself4 ,you honestly want to know8 ,i do4 ,sit down then4 ,don't prowl about4 ,i've got to be steadily serious and profound for at least ten minutes1 and ,i need help4 ,paul perceived a hassock at his feet and dropped on to it4 ,carry on1 he said1 smiling a little as the other had meant him to do4 ,but ,manning was in no hurry to begin4 ,before he began to speak1 ,timothy came past the window1 saw the two sitting silently1 and went on again1 shaking his head and muttering to himself4 ,and when ,manning did begin to speak1 he was abrupt1 and there was a hard note in his voice4 ,look here1 ,paul1 he said1 the root of the matter is just this3 ,god is a guess in the dark4 ,you are driven back and back and back1 as you say1 till you can't go further1 but then you begin to invent meaningless words to cover your inadequacy4 ,you talk about infinite and eternal and almighty1 words which are no more than scraps of mathematical logic4 ,the mind knows that it's beaten1 that for some odd reason it cannot travel back beyond certain bounds4 ,it's like space3 you cannot conceive of something that ends1 without your demanding what comes next4 ,something1 you say1 must come next1 and next1 and next4 ,and there can't be a last2 and yet there must be a last1 an end444 ,he stopped1 as if he was trying once more himself to beat back against the reeling thought4 ,paul remained immovable4 ,well1 now1 the mind hates a vacuum4 ,it must round off things4 ,thus1 then1 at that extreme limit of comprehension1 when no further logical sequence is possible1 it gets out of the difficulty by creating a conception upon which it can rest4 ,thought demands a beginning1 an end1 a supreme power1 a reason1 and the imagination of man1 when his mind can no more1 simply jumps in the dark4 ',all right1' it says1 'there is ,one ,who is ,eternal1 ,almighty1 ,infinite--,god4' ,a guess in the dark1 you see4 ,paul stared into that shifting black abyss4 ,the horror of it rose into his eyes4 ,waves and seas1 inexorable1 heartless1 rolled in upon him1 and he felt himself sinking1 sinking4 ,the sensation was almost physical1 and he had literally to moisten his lips to speak4 ,we have ,christ1 he said4 ,he was not in the dark4 ,he knew4 ,manning shrugged his shoulders at that1 and said nothing4 ,arnold1 cried ,paul again1 ,he knew6 ,manning got up4 ,look here1 ,paul1 he said1 we've worked over that ground4 ,christianity is a matter of evidence4 ,god ,almighty1 you know something of it6 ',by what authority8' ,he relit his pipe and tossed the match through the window4 ,paul turned the question over in his mind4 ,of course1 that was the question4 ,he saw it1 like a flaming note of interrogation1 burning in upon him4 ,that unanswerable question3 ,by what authority8 ,father ,vassall---- ,his friend interrupted him4 ,and1 ,arnold burst out1 ultimately1 that is evidence we can test for ourselves4 ,what did ,christ say of ,god8 ,take one thing3 that ,he was a ,father1 who heard and answered and cared for ,his creatures1 for the least of them4 ,well1 does ,he--,i ask you1 does ,he8 ,come1 now1 be honest4 ,you know ,he doesn't4 ,there is not a flicker of evidence in the whole vast universe that ,god hears or answers or cares4 ,there are laws1 great driving laws1 that's all4 ,shove your finger in and you'll get hurt2 jump right in and you'll be killed4 ,inevitably4 ,always4 ,screaming to ,god won't save you4 ,some bloody war's on1 and a woman implores ,god to save her lover4 ,well1 does ,he8 ,if ,he turn a single bullet aside1 ,he must disarrange the whole cosmic law4 ,does ,he8 ,i ask you--does ,he8 ,paul hid his face4 ,he saw the past three years white as an open road before him4444 ,does ,he8 ,but ,manning did not seem to notice4 ,there's no fatherly control1 that's the point4 ,even religion squirms before the obviousness of that1 and invents excuses4 ,god maketh ,his rain to fall on the just and on the unjust4 ,pish1 ,he does no such thing4 ,he has nothing to do with the fall of rain1 or ,he abdicated ,his power before the dawn of history4 ,but ,somebody must1 cried ,paul4 ,manning dropped back into his chair4 ,stop1 he cried4 ,if we are to go on talking you must not say that4 ,you surrender to the savage when you say that4 ,he1 poor devil1 sees the lightning hit his hut3 ',somebody must be angry1' he says4 ,experience comes along and shows even unscientific minds the irrefragable laws of thunderstorms1 and your poor fellow bleats3 ',then somebody must have caused them4' ,science comes along and demonstrates without a doubt the unity of matter and the existence of the electron1 and the dear ,christian folds his hands3 ',but ,god is the ,first ,cause1 the ,creator4' ,guesses1 all of them4 ,guess if you want to1 ,kestern1 but not to me4 ,i won't4 ,that's flat4 ,paul could stand it no more4 ,he jumped up and paced restlessly about4 ,i see what you mean1 he cried4444 ,oh1 and ,i see what she meant1 too4444 ,it was beautiful1 beautiful1 but a marble statue after all2 and it's the end of the day2 and it's fallen--fallen4444 ,well1 the traveller has fallen too4444 ,no wonder4444 ,oh1 no wonder4444 ,manning smoked steadily4 ,he had been unusually vehement1 and was a trifle ashamed of himself4 ,i say1 ,paul1 he said at last1 pull yourself together4 ,you're not a fool4 ,paul stopped in his walk and stood regarding him4 ,but he did not make an answer to that4 ,if you don't guess1 what happens then8 ,manning smiled languidly4 ,well1 you don't guess1 that's all4 ,it's quite simple4 ,perhaps there is a god2 perhaps ,he is all that is said about ,him4 ,perhaps4444 ,only we are reasonable men and we have to go upon facts1 and the facts are that there is no trace of ,him4 ,unless very existence is a sign--the fact that things are1 said ,paul1 catching at a straw4 ,oh1 very well1 have it if you will4 ,but of what or of whom is existence a sign8 ,i know it's sentimental twaddle to talk of the cruelty and so on of ,nature1 and ,i won't4 ,but you know and ,i know there are laws1 and what sort of laws8 ,to what sort of mind can you argue from ,nature's laws8 ,think4 ,paul thought4 ,he thought of the regularity and beauty of ice-crystals which no one can see without a microscope4 ,why always regular8 ,why beautiful8 ,he thought of the evolution and the extinction of the dinosaur1 the pterodactyl and the rest4 ,why8 ,necessary8 ,useful8 ,did the hand1 then1 of the ,potter shake8 ,he thought of the laws that calmly allow men and women to bring forth congenital idiots or children loathsomely diseased in body or in soul4 ,laws6 ,he flamed suddenly with rage4 ,the mind of a devil6 he cried4 ,rubbish1 retorted ,manning4 ,good heavens1 ,paul1 pull yourself together6 ,but there1 ,i suppose it takes time4 ,an idiot1 then4 ,oh1 chuck it4 ,i've some work to do4 ,go and read ,tennyson4 ,well1 what other sort of personality could it be8 ,you dear old ass1 there's ,,no personality in it at all4 ,that's the whole argument4 ,you will guess4 ,talk about the high hills6 ,you go skipping on from point to point--in imagination4 ,existence exists so far as we can tell4 ,relatively to us it exists1 anyway4 ,but that is the end of the argument4 ,you can go no further4 ,nothing imaginable can have created it--nothing--nothing4 ,and forgetting ,tennyson1 he pushed his arm through ,paul's and led him out into the garden4 ,the sweet warm sun was releasing a thousand scents4 ,paul drew trailing fingers through a spiky host of lavender4 ,butterflies fluttered their apparently aimless dance over the beds1 and bees1 more obviously purposeful1 dived into flowerets4 ,even the ancient flags on which they stood were cracked and broken by the impetuous thrust of tiny tendrils one could destroy with a pinch4 ,arnold ,manning took up his parable4 ',consider the lilies1' he quoted4 ,christ took a far step forward1 anyway1 ,paul4 ,the savage only saw horror1 and made his grinning abomination as an image of ,god4 ,the ,jew saw1 for some reason1 the beauty of law and unity1 and ,elijah mocked the poor leaping priests of ,baal and cried out on ,jehovah4 ,christ saw beauty and tenderness1 and invested ,his ,god with a still higher personality4 ',ye know not the ,father1' ,he said4 ,and we1 we poor moderns1 we see it all1 ,paul1 and we see that all--all--those conceptions were just shadows of ourselves4 ,paul was gazing up towards the ,downs with a far-away look in his eyes4 ,little fleecy floating clouds were racing shadows of themselves across the rich green turf4 ,i see1 he said sadly4 ,they strolled up and down4 ,go and write a poem about this1 said ,manning with unusual gentleness4 ,that will buck you up4 ,paul slowly shook his head4 7#d7 ,it would be foolish to pretend that a couple of conversations shattered the faith of years1 and yet1 in life1 it often seems so4 ,under the surface1 the insidious work goes on1 and perhaps there is never a crisis for which there has not been preparation4 ,so it was with ,paul4 ,the ground had been steadily slipping from beneath his feet4 ,upon a proffered rock1 for good or ill1 he had not climbed4 ,now1 with all the thunder and confusion of a cataclysm1 the elaborate structure fell4 ,manning's cool challenge1 as much or more than his logic1 had brought about the ruin4 ,does ,god hear8 he had asked1 and deliberately awaited the answer4 ,once ,paul would have been as swift and as assured in his reply4 ,in ,lambeth ,court1 on ,parker's ,piece1 even at ,port o' ,man1 he would instantly have answered yes4 ,but those days had gone4 ,he fought the conclusion1 wrestled with it1 even still prayed earnestly against it1 but could not escape the only possible deduction1 as it seemed to him4 ,there had been no answer at all1 absolutely and literally none2 or else1 as ,father ,vassall would have it1 he had been heard and led1 led deliberately and as he could bear it1 to the threshold of the ,catholic ,church4 ,but his father1 than whom none prayed more earnestly1 said that that was the devil1 and the ,bishop of ,mozambique that there the angels of ,god had been set about him for deliverance4 ,which was right8 ,he had been tossed like a shuttlecock among them4 ,out of that dilemma1 ,tressor's quiet reasoned judgment had opened up a way of escape4 ,fordham ,manor had seemed so plainly the best and wisest refuge4 ,his father1 again1 had approved4 ,besides1 if he could write verse1 that was a gift of ,god given him for improvement4 ,and it was not that he did not pray even now1 and read the ,bible1 too1 as he had been taught4 ,only the ,bible pointed1 if anywhere1 where they who advised him most to read it would not admit there was any conceivable possibility of going4 ,no1 the arches of the years had led ,paul irresistibly on4 ,one by one1 soaring unseen before him1 they had closed down at the end of each span an appreciable march nearer to the brink of the precipice4 ,he stood there now1 peering into its depths1 discerning no path at all1 suspecting that the plunge into the abyss was only a matter of weeks1 or days4 ,does ,god hear8 demanded ,manning1 and ,paul had no answer but the echo of ,job's old cry3 ,oh that ,i knew where ,i might find ,him6 ,small wonder that he could not write poetry4 ,poetry6 ,there was no meaning in life if ,god were not--no reasonable end1 no conceivable beginning1 nothing worth while4 ,arnold might grub about with his science2 ,paul sought the spirit of things4 ,and when he turned to ,tressor1 the don utterly failed him4 ,it was odd1 ,paul thought1 how entirely he failed him4 ,paul was coming daily to love more and more this kindly pleasant man1 but he was beginning to see joints in his harness4 ,the three of them would talk of an evening1 for ,paul could not do otherwise1 and he would drag a somewhat unwilling ,manning into it2 but ,tressor answered the younger man not at all4 ,he clung to a refuge that was not yet1 at any rate1 storm-proof for ,paul4 ,logic1 said ,tressor1 failed at a point4 ,the heart of man universally had need of ,god1 and it would not crave if there was nothing to crave for4 ,tressor relied on intuition and instinct4 ,instinct and intuition1 said ,manning1 were the result of training and environment4 ,psychology could dissect and label both1 almost as easily as physiology the bones and muscles of a man4 ,there was mystery before and behind1 said ,tressor1 but ,god was fatherly1 and in the end the weary soul would fall back upon ,his heart and rest4 ,sir1 ,manning cried one evening1 goaded for once out of his habitual calm1 if your principles had been applied in science1 man would be still in the ,stone ,age6 ,tressor had flicked an eyelid and looked hurt4 ,he had shortly gone off to his study1 and ,manning had as shortly gone after him to apologise4 ,he had returned a little flushed4 ,he's a jolly good chap1 he said to ,paul4 ,it's beastly of me to hurt his feelings4 ,feelings6 ,as if1 ,paul thought1 feelings mattered4 ,he walked bareheaded in the avenue and stood on the edge of the sleeping lake1 and he cried out of the depths of his tortured soul to ,god4 ,one syllable of an answer1 one solitary sign out of the still night1 one resolute conviction even1 if ,god preferred that secret way1 among the changing shifting doubts that racked his soul1 and he would be ready to drink any kind of cup and be baptized with any baptism4 7#e7 ,tacked on to the very house1 was a peculiar feature of the place4 ,the parish church was also the private chapel4 ,the parish had dwindled all but to the inhabitants of the park and grounds1 and one clergyman served ,fordham and held as well the living of the considerable village that lay beyond2 but1 occasionally1 once a month for each service1 ,communion was celebrated1 ,evensong sung1 so near to them that it was difficult even for unsympathetic guests not to go4 ,besides1 ,tressor liked one to go1 and that was enough for ,manning and ,paul4 ,the last ,sunday in the month1 then1 ,paul went to ,evensong4 ,all the servants were there3 dear old ,mrs4 ,bird in a bonnet that tinkled with jet1 with service-books the treasured gifts of her master2 ,timothy1 for the most part crouched in his pew1 expressionless2 ,rider1 precise and understanding2 the maids1 strange in ,sunday outdoor garments4 ,the three friends occupied a pew discreetly not in the front1 flatteringly not too far behind4 ,and ,mr4 ,prideaux took the service and preached4 ,there had1 it appeared1 but lately been a serious controversy in the ,church4 ,a dean had preached at ,westminster on the earlier chapters of ,genesis1 had depreciated their historic value1 and had welcomed the teachings of ,professor ,darwin4 ,a bishop had retorted in the ,guardian1 and ,catholic-minded clergy taken the matter up in the ,church ,times4 ,the ,record had said that it had long told the public that this would be the result of 444 ,and so on4 ,mr4 ,prideaux1 an able1 energetic1 zealous man1 preached upon the subject4 ,he believed in dealing with subjects of current interest1 besides 7though he did not say so71 unless you are very ,high ,church1 the month of ,august is singularly desert in regard to festivals4 ,he may also have thought that here his small select congregation did at any rate contain a proportion of listeners who would be more interested in such matters than the average villager4 ,and he was quite right in a sense4 ,only the ,vicar could not know that there was a veritable gulf fixed between his comfortable reasoned theology and the devastating vivid modernism of either ,manning or ,paul4 ,the priest said that1 of course1 ,darwinism was not proved2 an increasing host of scientists disagreed with it4 ,besides1 ,darwin had never taught ,darwinism4 ,again1 if he had1 there was nothing inherently hostile to the true teachings of the ,church in the theory of evolution4 ,there was nothing of revelation as to the precise point at which the ape-man became the man-ape with a soul4 ,and it was only those who had forgotten the true relation of ,church and ,bible who found any difficulty in ,genesis4 ,the devout churchman only saw in these inspired fragments of ancient legend illustrations of the eternal groping of the soul of man after truth1 and1 he might say1 an unique witness to the guiding hand of ,god4444 ,mr4 ,prideaux came to supper afterwards1 and played a couple of rubbers of bridge4 ,he was genial1 and hoped1 when he learned of ,paul's taking up of residence at ,fordham1 that ,paul would come to see him4 ,he was a bachelor1 and it would be delightful if they could see a good deal of each other4 ,paul went up slowly to his room at last4 ,he opened the window and looked out towards the avenue and the lake4 ,the trees stretched grey and ghostly in a dim misty starlight1 but they were not friendly or inviting to-night4 ,something had gone from the face of earth and sky4 ,darwin1 evolution1 science1 ape-men1 the interpretations of texts--what jargon6 ,where was ,god now1 and why would ,he not speak8 ,what else mattered8 ,he was silent2 ,he had been eternally silent it seemed2 it was but the promptings of their own imagination which men had taken for ,his voice4 ,no1 he could not go and write poetry any more4 ,,chapter ,x ,,the ,,blind ,,beggar ,the only strength for me is to be found in the sense of a personal presence everywhere1 it scarcely matters whether it be called human or divine2 a presence which only makes itself felt at first in this and that particular form and feature4444 ,into this presence we come1 not by leaving behind what are usually called earthly things1 or by loving them less1 but by living more intensely in them1 and loving more what is really lovable in them2 for it is literally true that this world is everything to us1 if only we choose to make it so1 if only we live in the present because it is eternity4444--,,richard ,,lewis ,,nettleship3 ,lectures and ,memories1 ,vol4 ,i41 p4 #gb4 ,he hath made everything beautiful in its time2 ,he hath also set the world in their heart1 and yet so that man cannot find out the work that ,god hath wrought from the beginning even unto the end4444--,,eccles4 iii4 ,fool1 said my muse to me1 look in thy heart and write4--,,sir ,,philip ,,sidney4 7#a7 ,august drew to its sunny close1 and ,manning and ,tressor departed1 leaving ,paul to superintend the reroofing of old ,morley's ,mill cottage1 the building of an extra poultry house1 the laying-out of a new flower bed1 the cutting down of a few trees and the letting of an empty cottage4 ,they also left him to write poetry2 and whereas1 without assistance1 he would have cut a poor figure at any of the practical jobs1 he felt that he was doing even worse as a poet4 ,september found him1 then1 alone and perturbed2 but ,october came1 heralded with the gleam of crimson and gold banners among the beeches of ,chanctonbury1 and found him alone and desperate4 ,he was the more overwhelmed by it all as he was totally unprepared4 ,hitherto his days had been more full than he could manage1 for1 besides talk and friends and all the incidents of life at ,cambridge1 he had had his degree for which to work4 ,hitherto verse had been a refuge1 a joy which he had allowed himself with a kind of grim deliberation4 ,he would want to write1 feeling that strange1 deep1 indefinite hunger within him that all who have in any degree the gift of a creative art know so well1 and he would permit himself to leave his books and sit by the fire or in the window-seat with a pencil for an hour1 a measured hour only4 ,or hitherto there had been other difficulties in the way1 from ,donaldson's tramp on the stairs to the disturbing furniture at ,claxted--little things1 things over which one ought to be able to triumph1 but things which ordinarily triumph over us all4 ,there1 then1 lay the sting of it4 ,he had now time and to spare4 ,he had now both loneliness1 and1 on the other hand1 the company of beauty both within and without doors4 ,he had1 in the well-trained servants of the house and estate1 the very best of human help towards that respect and leisure and comfort that our rather pitiable souls do need4 ,he had ,prideaux at the ,vicarage1 the best of fellows1 for a companionable pipe and chat1 and he had ,mrs4 ,manning and ,miss ,netterly1 her sister1 only too ready to give him tea in their drawing-room and be kind4 ,the disturbing element was wholly withdrawn4 ,ursula had gone to ,london on a whim of her own in ,august1 and on an ill-defined visit thereafter1 and had at last returned so absorbed in a picture perhaps1 so possibly deliberately remote1 that1 if he saw her1 it was only to pass the time of day1 or watch her face immobile as he rested in the evening in her mother's drawing-room4 ,in despair1 he had abandoned the attempt to write for one to read4 ,the possibility of reading had been one of the attractions of ,fordham4 ,at ,claxted he had done but little more than learn the names of classical ,english authors1 at ,cambridge but snatched odd moments for them4 ,he was peculiarly unfamiliar with the work of the great poets and he had soaked himself in none of the moderns4 ,he had longed so eagerly for the chance really to read ,swinburne1 ,francis ,thompson and the like1 and now that it had come he could not4 ,the malignancy of his own particular devil followed him even in this4 ,he would walk to ,storrington and tramp back over the ,downs to curl himself up in the lounge with the ,hound of ,heaven in his hands1 only to find his eyes wandering from the page and his feet stirring restlessly towards the gardens where old ,timothy would be pottering about4 ,not1 of course1 that old ,timothy helped at all1 and he would perhaps take a hand with a spade or listen to a discourse on manners for half an hour or so1 and then turn unsatisfied to the towering strength of the animophilous lime-trees in the avenue and the quiet assurance of the sleeping water in the lake4 ,old ,timothy would look after him and shake his head4 ,he had small opinion of strapping young men who could not dig for a morning and be thankful4 7#b7 ,half-way through ,october ,paul came near to the climax4 ,a morning unusually wretched had led to an afternoon's honest endeavour with the foresters in the park1 and he had returned to bath and change with a more comfortable feeling in his heart and pleasurably tired muscles4 ,but even as he dressed1 the shadows crept in again4 ,he came down the wide stairs to the hall slowly1 a haunted man4 ,its very quiet and peace and air of waiting kindly readiness to help1 exasperated him4 ,a friendly touch1 where one looks for love1 is worse than indifference to a lover4 ,and brooding there1 he had determined to write to ,tressor and tell him that the experiment was a failure and that he must leave4 ,after dinner1 the company of his thoughts intolerable1 he told ,rider that he was going out and walked across the park to the cottage below the ,downs4 ,mrs4 ,manning was always glad to see him1 and he knew he would like to sit in an arm-chair and listen to her placid chat4 ,she understood just nothing at all1 that was the best of her4 ,prideaux would understand sufficient to irritate but not enough to help2 the ,manor had an air of understanding but of keeping its own placid secret4 ,mrs4 ,manning would talk about her fowls and ask him if he did not think ,mr4 ,lloyd ,george too terrible4 ,and in the morning he would write to ,tressor4 ,ursula was there4 ,it appeared that her picture was nearing completion1 and that she was1 as it were1 standing aside for a day or two to be quite sure of the necessary final touches4 ,she sat idly1 watching her mother at work4 ,he studied her profile as she sat1 deliberately telling himself that this and that might have been improved1 deliberately conscious that he would not have altered a line4 ,sure strength lingered on her face in some subtle way4 ,she was oddly remote1 splendidly active1 he felt1--the other side of a veil4 ,of that veil she was in supreme command4 ,not that it mattered2 he did not want her to lift it4 ,he was too preoccupied1 too much on the rack to care4 ,when he had gone1 the girl sat on silent for a little4 ,then1 without moving1 she asked a question or two of her mother4 ,mother1 did you see much of ,mr4 ,kestern while ,i was away8 ,yes1 dear1 a good deal4 ,he and ,arnold came several times1 and when ,arnold went1 he kept up the habit of dropping in4 ,does he ever talk much8 ,no1 not much4 ,he's a quiet man1 ,i think4 ,certain vivid little scenes formed themselves in ,ursula's mind4 ,she had seen him walking and talking with ,manning1 had heard him with ,tressor4 ,and she remembered his face by the lake and in her room4 ,a quiet man8 ,eager1 ardent1 she had thought him4 ,and there was his verse1 too4 ,he's absorbed in his work1 ,i expect1 went on her mother1 her head on one side as she touched her embroidery deftly4 ,mr4 ,tressor said he thought he would do a great deal4 ,he said he was very prolific1 ,i remember4 ,they use such odd words4 ,he's all alone up there now1 isn't he8 ,yes1 dear4 ,but ,mr4 ,prideaux calls1 and he goes to see him4 ,mr4 ,prideaux8 ,does he like him8 ,very much1 dear1 ,i believe4 ,but the ,vicar is not at all gossipy1 you know4 ,do you like him1 ,ursula8 asked ,miss ,netterly curiously4 ,the girl smiled4 ,i scarcely know him1 auntie1 she said4 ,well1 dear1 said her mother1 folding her work1 ,i think it's bedtime4 ,you must be tired1 too4 ,mrs4 ,manning always thought one must be tired4 ,curiously enough1 she was so nice about it that one forgot to be irritated4 ,in her own room ,ursula uncovered her picture and had a look at it4 ,she read a little4 ,then she sat on awhile1 staring out of the window4 ,then she got up1 fetched her portfolio and looked through its contents4 ,when she reached the little water-colour she had done to illustrate ,paul's poem1 she put it on one side--thereafter by itself on her mantelpiece4 ,then she went to bed4 ,in the morning she announced the intention of taking a walk4 ,everyone placidly agreed1 as they did from force of habit where ,ursula was concerned1 and her mother came to the gate with her and watched her away in her yellow jumper1 with a green scarf and skirt4 ,mrs4 ,manning was very proud of her daughter4 ,she did not ask where she was going1 however4 ,paul1 after a late breakfast1 strolled out on to the terrace4 ,he was turning over the phrases of his letter to ,tressor when he saw the girl coming up the drive4 ,he went to meet her4 ,it crossed his mind that she might be bringing a message from her mother4 ,hullo1 he said1 when he was within speaking distance4 ,good morning4 ,how are you8 ,very well1 she said4 ,busy8 ,not particularly1 replied ,paul ruefully4 ,i was just about to write a beastly letter4 ,she looked him frankly in the face4 ,how's the poetry going8 she asked4 ,he did not think to be surprised4 ,it's not going at all1 he said4 ,she nodded4 ,they were standing still there1 on the drive4 ,she looked away from him1 as if she had seen all she wanted1 looking out over the park alive in the sun4 ,i've written nothing for ages1 he went on impulsively4 ,i can't4 ,and ,i can't read either4 ,come for a walk1 she said4 ,now8 ,with you8 ,where8 ,it was only afterwards that he realised that this was not the politest reply4 ,at once1 with me1 on the ,downs1 she replied smiling4 ,his face lit up4 ,he saw in a flash how good a walk with her would be4 ,oh1 good1 he cried1 ,i'd love to4 ,may ,i get a stick and a hat8 ,will you come in a moment8 ,i'll wait here1 she said4 ,don't be long4 ,i won't be two minutes1 he replied1 and ran up the steps4 ,she led the way1 down the drive1 past the lodge1 up to the right1 up a little path that skirted the hedges and ran through the woods at the foot of the great hill1 and then up still more1 by a winding track that serpentined out into the open downland at the top4 ,the ring of ,chanctonbury was away on their right2 a dew-pond ringed with a stony beach just in front1 its waters reflecting the blue of the autumn sky and ruffled with a wind from the sea4 ,before them they could see ,cissbury in the distance and follow the coast line past ,worthing1 hid behind a down1 to ,shoreham1 with ,lancing ,chapel set up above it1 and ,brighton4 ,it was so clear to-day that the gleam of white on the cliffs beyond ,rottingdean was distinctly visible4 ,they had said little as they climbed1 as one does1 for it is a climb1 but now they turned to the left and walked slowly along the close-cropped ride through the tufted hummocky grass1 skirting that ridge below which ,fordham and ,steyning nestle and a down winds to the sea4 ,now1 she said1 what's the matter8 ,don't you think you'd like to tell me8 ,i would1 cried ,paul eagerly1 ,i'd love to4 ,besides---- ,he broke off1 puzzling at her as they walked4 ,well8 ,i say1 how did you know anything was the matter8 ,i saw last night1 she said imperturbably4 ,it struck me that you were down and out1 and hadn't a soul to speak to4 ,you're right4 ,but why do you bother with me8 ,she walked on deliberately4 ,i'm not bothering4 ,you see1 ,i like you1 and ,i like your verse1 and you're the sort of person it's worth while talking to in life4 ,that's very good of you1 said ,paul4 ,but ,i don't deserve all that4 ,i'm an awful fool1 and ,i've floundered about till ,i've got fairly well bogged4 ,i thought so4 ,tell me4 ,i don't know where to begin4 ,yes1 ,i do though4 ,after all1 it's you who bogged me really4 ,he smiled at her ruefully1 but she took no notice1 her eyes on the landscape below4 ,you said there was no ,god1 went on ,paul1 and ,i couldn't forget it1 and spoke to ,arnold about it at last4 ,then he rubbed it in4 ,for three years1 now1 ,i've been seeking to get at the truth about ,god4 ,you don't know how ,i've tried4 ,i've tried to hear ,his voice1 to know what ,he wants1 and ,i've got no nearer4 ,or ,i think ,i haven't4 ,it hadn't struck me till you spoke and ,arnold pushed it home that perhaps the reason is that--that--there isn't a ,god at all4 ,do you honestly feel that three years is a long time8 ,well--it's three years1 anyway4 ,it is4 ,three years4 ,her tone arrested him4 ,he knew what she meant4 ,they walked a hundred yards while he turned it over4 ,he had a sudden vision of the generations of seekers that had gone before him seeking4 ,he saw vividly that where the mystics1 saints and doctors had spent lifetimes1 three years was not much4 ,but as he saw1 he flamed out4 ,the floodgates were loosened4 ,at last1 like the psalmist1 he spake with his tongue4 ,yes4 ,three years4 ,oh1 ,i know it's a drop in the bucket4 ,but they're the three best years up to now of my life1 and they are my life4 ,they're all ,i've had to give4 ,and if ,god is a ,father to us1 if ,he cares at all1 ,he must be big enough to be interested even in my three years4 ,and instead of that----8 ,he doesn't care at all4 ,he is silent1 always silent4 ,you were right3 ,he must be asleep4 ,there's never any voice nor any that answers4 ,and so all the light's gone out of life4 ,what's the good of anything8 ,what's the meaning of anything8 ,before1 everything in the world seemed to have a secret joy behind it1 and it was wonderful to feel part of a great plan1 to be able to lend oneself to it and work for it4 ,it was wonderful to feel that ,christ knew and was our ,master and ,friend4 ,oh1 ,i loved ,him so6 ,and ,he's gone1 ,he's hidden4 ,and with ,him has gone all the light and joy in living4 ,she said nothing4 ,i tell you it's gone6 he cried again1 and it was an exceeding bitter cry4 ,they were walking on the edge of a beech spinney4 ,the tall dainty trunks towered up towards the sun and their wide crown of leaves moved together with smooth billowy swaying motions4 ,and where their spreading branches reached out towards the slope of the ,down1 a rich wreath of colour was growing among them4 ,ursula stretched up her hand as they walked and broke off a spray of golden glory4 ,she held it out to ,paul without a word4 ,he took it mechanically4 ,lovely1 he said1 unthinkingly4 ,oh1 no1 she replied calmly4 ,it's dull and ugly and useless and a combination of so many chemical elements that you can read all about in the books4 ,it's perfectly plain4 ,what is more1 the leaves are already in decay4 ,paul heard her at first in blank amazement4 ,he glanced from her face to the bough in his hand1 and from the bough to her face4 ,he could read nothing there4 ,he looked up at the spinney from which she had broken it1 and as he looked anew its brown and green and grey and gold cleared before his eyes4 ,it was as sudden as a song4 ,some little hidden chain snapped inside him4 ,please go on1 he said1 like a child4 ,you're not worth it4 ,you're as blind as a bat4 ,and you1 with your verse and your talk1 you pretended to see6 ,the scorn of her voice lashed him4 ,she humbled him pitifully4 ,and yet she said so little4 ,it was the tone of the biting words that did it1 and the fact that she was so seemingly unmoved4 ,i've tried to1 he said1 you don't know how ,i've tried4 ,tried6 ,that's exactly what you would do4 ,tried6 ,one has to try so very hard to see the sunlight4 ,they walked on in silence4 ,it was very odd2 as they walked ,paul began to study the short green grass and the delicate curving tendrils of moss as if he had never seen them before4 ,paul1 she said at last1 and he was past thinking it strange1 if one is blind one cannot see4 ,if one has eyes1 one can't help seeing4 ,he made an effort to recover his position4 ,but it's ,god that matters1 he said1 it's not the things themselves4 ,and if ,god is not there1 why1 then---- ,why1 then1 the rose is still red to-day as it was yesterday1 and still sweet1 sweet in its life and sweet in its death4 ,and a new one is on the way4 ,who are you to talk about ,god ,whom you do not and cannot understand8 ,talk about the things that you see1 that is your business4 ,smell the scent of the rose1 pick it1 love it1 worship it4 ,are you mad8 ,god is silent1 he reiterated sullenly4 ,you see1 she flashed instantly back4 ,but the mind matters4 ,it's the first principle of philosophy4 ,you can't get away from that4 ,she stopped and lay a hand upon his arm4 ,listen1 she said in a new voice4 ,a lark was singing somewhere in the far blue empyrean4 ,look1 she said4 ,the wide open country of field and coppice and lane lay spread before them4 ,and so they stood awhile4 ,paul1 she went on presently1 it's too lovely for you and me to spoil4 ,let the priest and the philosopher go their own ways4 ,it's their vocation2 perhaps they must1 poor souls4 ,meanwhile1 the beauty of the world is beyond argument4 ,god6 7,she spoke softly and rather wonderingly47 ,god6 ,oh1 ,i know nothing of ,god4 ,perhaps ,he is not1 perhaps ,he is4 ,the ,god they talk about1 anyway1 is not here4 ,but the earth is here1 light and colour are here1 beauty is here1 and beauty is enough for you to sing and for me to paint1 all our days4 ,paul looked about him with eyes that had grown wider with a new amazement as she spoke4 ,oh1 he said as softly as she1 ,i see1 ,i see4 ,i knew you would1 she said1 and dropped her hand4 ,but why did ,i never see it before8 he asked softly4 ,she shrugged her shoulders1 smiling at him4 ,let's go1 she said4 ,they walked down to ,steyning by the steep path that drops over the hill and skirts the big bosom of the ,down4 ,paul plucked sprays of leaves1 laughed1 swung his stick1 sang4 ,she laughed back at him4 ,madcap1 she said4 ,oh1 ,i know4 ,i'm mad4 ,no1 ,i'm not4 ,but ,i have been mad1 you know4 ,but1 ,i say1 you must teach me more4 ,we must talk about this4 ,will you8 ,yes4 ,but you don't need teaching1 you know4 ,you're a poet4 ,you'll teach4 ,i know what ,i am1 he cried1 stopping suddenly1 ,i know what ,i am6 ,what8 she queried1 amused4 ,i'm the blind beggar-man4 ',one thing ,i know3 once ,i was blind1 but now ,i see4' ,remember8 ,she nodded at him1 sensing something of the old evangelical years in his quotation4 ,oh1 it's wonderful6 ,heavens1 what a poem6 ,no3 ,i'll write a play about it4 ,you see it1 don't you8 ,how was he made to see1 eh1 how8 ,she laughed outright4 ,there you are6 ,i don't know4 ,how8 ,why1 clay touched his eyes1 common clay--and he saw6 ,you understand3 it was just common clay that he had been walking upon1 blind as a bat1 for all his days4 ,and he saw6 ,she saw the parable1 grave all at once4 ,paul1 she said1 ,i told you a moment ago that you would teach4 ,come on1 he shouted1 plunging down the hill1 ,i want to write4 ,heavens1 how ,i want to write6 ,ursula1 ,i shall read it to you bit by bit4 ,and you shall paint a picture of it4 ,we'll do it together4 ',the ,beggar-,man4' ,shall we8 ,rather4 ,begin to-day4 ,come and read to me to-night4 ,you don't mind8 ,he stopped again abruptly4 ,mind8 ,of course not4 ,what a boy6 ,then we're real friends1 are we8 ,of course1 said ,ursula4 ,i saw that last night4 7#c7 ,thus1 veritably1 was born ,the ,beggar-,man4 ,the general public knew nothing of it till the play was staged1 more than twelve months later1 after the usual intolerable delays and the appearance of the author's second book of verse1 and then1 for all the interest it aroused in this new author1 and for all the heavy bookings1 few ever knew the details of its origin and working out4 ,it was1 as staged1 a children's mystery4 ,they loved the ,beggar-,man1 and shouted with glee at his gay sallies and his new-born wonderment in wooden stools1 his rickety hut and the weeds about his door4 ,they loved his adventure with the ,king1 the stupid old ,king who was as blind as--as a beggar-man4 ,but grown-up people went1 too1 and they smiled a little wistfully when the children laughed1 and looked a little sadly at glittering ,herod4 ,it was not a biblical play in a sense1 and yet1 as a critic said1 it was a chapter or two of ,st4 ,john's gospel that had not previously been written4 ,as to ,paul1 in these days1 that ,beggar-,man moved into ,fordham ,manor and lived with him4 ,he and the boy became inseparables4 ,he inspired a thousand songs that did not mention his name1 but he related incidents and preached parables that ,paul would retail as wholly his own4 ,ursula was their confidante4 ,mrs4 ,manning1 at first bewildered1 at length perforce tolerant1 got used to the arrival of ,paul on a morning breathless from a race across the park4 ,good-morning1 ,mrs4 ,manning1 he would shout1 where's ,ursula8 ,good-morning1 she would say4 ,in the studio1 painting4 ,i'll go up1 if ,i may1 he would reply1 and dash up the stairs4 ,ursula1 at her easel1 would smile gravely and call ,come in almost before he knocked4 ,oh1 ,i say1 ,paul would cry gaily1 what do you think the ,beggar-,man told me last night8 ,he says that1 after the cure1 he went off to his house without his stick4 ,without his stick4 ,he could hardly believe so simple a thing as that as he went1 but it was true4 ,for the first time1 then1 he saw his home--a poor enough shanty1 but his own home1 that he saw for the first time4 ,he was still rubbing the tears out of his eyes1 when there came a knock at the door4 ,he opened it4 ',excuse me1' said the man without1 trembling with eagerness1 'but is there any more of that clay8 ,i don't want all yours1 of course1 only just a little4444 ,or if you could tell me where to get it4444' ',good heavens6' roared the blind man 7asserting himself for the first time in history1 ,ursula71 'it was clay1 man1 good honest clay6 ,look at it6 ,turn round and look at it6 ,there's miles of the holy precious stuff4 ,go down on your miserable knees1 as ,i did1 and thank ,god for it4 ,i didn't make it4 ,i can't give it to you4 ,god thrusts it at you4 ,were you born blind8' ,or ,paul would ascend the stairs more quietly1 and knock4 ,may ,i come in8 he would say1 opening the door gently4 ,yes1 you old silly4 ,what is it now8 ,paul would throw himself into the window-seat and look gravely at her4 ,i say1 do you know1 in the long run1 they all said that he was still blind6 ,what8 ,they all said he was still blind4 ,the people1 you know1 and the ,pharisees4 ,the people said3 ',but1 look here1 how could clay open a man's eyes8 ,the thing's ridiculous4 ,there must be more in it than that4 ,come now1 ,he said a magic word1 didn't ,he1 that ,jesus8 ,he had some secret medicine1 eh8 ,you're hiding something1 you know you are6 ,what was it8' ',it was clay out of the street1' said the ,beggar-,man1 'just clay4' ',rubbish1' said the people1 'you're as blind as a bat to believe that twaddle4' ,ursula would lean back thoughtfully1 studying him4 ,and the ,pharisees8 she asked softly4 ,ah1 the ,pharisees6 ,paul jumped up and began to walk restlessly about4 ,you see1 ,ursula1 when he was blind they were rather satisfied with him4 ,he saw so plainly what good1 wise1 holy men they were4 ,he saw plainly that they were meant to be masters in ,israel1 and it is right and proper for beggars to see that4 ,but when they were up against his sight1 and showed plainly that ultimately they knew no more than he did1 and1 indeed1 not so much1 about ,god or ,jesus or miracles or clay or anything1 he began to think that they1 too1 must have been born blind4 ,i see1 said the girl1 ,i see1 ,paul4 ,and what then8 ,oh1 they turned the ,beggar-,man out of the temple1 said ,paul4 ,ah1 and what then8 ,he tells me1 he went1 ,ursula1 he just went4 ,and--and he's never gone back4 ,silence between them4 ,he was staring out of the window now1 and she leaning back in her chair1 playing with her brushes4 ,ursula4 ,yes8 ,do you know1 the disciples thought him blind1 too4 ,why8 ,well1 they were so sure about ,jesus4 ,they made a whole religion up about him4 ,and the ,beggar-,man never could do that4 ',he took the clay that he and ,i were standing on1' he would say1 'and ,i saw4 ,that's all ,i have to tell4 ,one thing ,i know3 whereas ,i was blind1 now ,i see4' ',love him1 then1' said the disciples4 ',good heavens1 do you think ,i don't8' cried the ,beggar-,man4 ',worship him1 then1' said the disciples4 ',of course1' said the ,beggar-,man1 'as ,i worship my mother and my wife and the little blue spring lilies on the hills of ,galilee4' ',no1' they said4 ',he's the ,second ,person of the ,trinity4 ,he's the ,logos4 ,he's ,eternal1 ,invisible1 the ,only ,wise----' ,and the ,beggar-,man used to interrupt them4 ',stop1' he used to say1 'that's beyond me4 ,i can't follow that4 ,one thing ,i know3 whereas----' ',we've heard all that1' said the disciples1 'that's not enough4' ',i'm sorry1' said the ,beggar-,man4 ',it is for me4' ,well8 queried ,ursula4 ,and ,paul turned round from the window1 his eyes meeting hers4 ,they turned the ,beggar-,man out of the ,church1 he said gravely4 ,and she would nod back at him1 with a little smile4 ,he went on seeing1 though1 she would say4 ,you're a dear1 ,ursula1 cried ,paul4 ,despite his eagerness that ,october morning1 ,paul did not then1 all at once1 write his play4 ,he said that he and the ,beggar had got to get to know each other4 ,and before he got to the actual draft1 he wrote down a few definite incidents in the later life of the ,beggar-,man4 ,he brought the manuscript round to ,ursula one day the following ,spring when the new flowers were out on ,chanctonbury very much as they had been when they sprang into vivid flames of being before the newly-opened eyes of the blind ,beggar on the hills of ,galilee that he had loved so much4 ,he brought it round to her very early1 while the family at the cottage were still at breakfast1 which did not perturb him at all4 ,after greetings1 he looked across at ,ursula4 ,can you come for a long walk this morning8 he asked4 ,yes1 she said4 ,at least1 not a very long walk4 ,i want you to come to that little wood on the crest of the ,downs above ,steyning--you know--and let me read this to you4 ,mrs4 ,manning's eyes travelled from one to the other a little anxiously4 ,really1 these two 444 ,but perhaps this time 444 ,well1 if the girl knew her own mind4444 ,all right1 said ,ursula4 ,i'll get a coat4 ,don't forget it's only ,spring1 said ,mrs4 ,manning at the door4 ,don't catch cold4 ,we'll remember1 mother1 said ,ursula1 and they set out4 ,at the remembered spot1 ,paul spread a mackintosh on the ground4 ,there1 he said1 sit down4 ,i'm going to read to you4 ,do you mind8 ,she smiled her own silent slow smile at him1 and drew her knees up1 and clasped her hands round them1 and stared down at the sleepy little town nestling far below4 ,paul read4 ,it was the last stage before the actual and now famous play4 ,he had written without introduction as if he were about a short story1 and1 in main1 it was this that was dramatised4 7#d7 ,paul finished4 ,ursula1 who had hardly moved1 put out a hand and laid it gently on his arm4 ,paul drew a breath of relieved content1 being satisfied now that he knew her so well4 ,now1 he said1 ,i shall begin that play4 ,god is silent1 said ,ursula quizzically4 ,but ,i see1 cried ,paul eagerly4 ,what do you see8 ,i see the wonder and beauty of things as they are4 ,i see that they satisfy4 ,i see that that's enough1 that--that they're a kind of avenue down which a man can go forward4 ,and at the end1 perhaps1 he will find1 not all the secret1 but a still living lovely lake of water into which he will plunge1 content4 ,water8 ,paul nodded1 with bright eyes4 ,the water of life1 he said4 ,and what is that1 do you think8 ,i don't know4 ,it's sure to be beautiful1 though4 ,very1 ,paul1 ,i think1 replied ,ursula1 speaking very quietly as she often did4 ,paul studied her face4 ,i would like you to be there1 he said1 a little restlessly4 ,would you8 she said4 ,well1 we shall see4 ,next morning1 ,ursula went up to town and took up residence again in her flat4 ,mrs4 ,manning had fluttered about her all the afternoon1 and learned nothing4 ,her daughter seemed wholly unaware that she might have any question to ask1 and ,mrs4 ,manning did not dare ask her anything directly4 ,but she thought she might learn more from ,paul4 ,so1 when her daughter's car had driven off1 she and her sister walked round to the ,manor with a note ,ursula had left for ,paul4 ,they found him at work4 ,he got up1 pen in hand1 and a look in the back of his eyes that ,mrs4 ,manning saw in her daughter's when she was very busily painting4 ,ursula's gone to town1 said her mother1 and she's left you this note4 ,has she8 queried ,paul4 ,she didn't tell me she was going4 ,he tore it open1 and read it quickly4 ,it only took him a few seconds to read and he smiled as he finished4 ,that's all right1 he said4 ,it's nothing much1 ,mrs4 ,manning1 only about my work4 ,well1 we won't interrupt you now1 she said politely4 ,come in when you can4 ,at the end of a long morning's work1 ,paul picked up the note as if he had not seen it before1 and re-read it4 ,i'm off to town1 she had written4 ,i've had a sudden notion4 ,give my love to the ,beggar-,man4 ,you and he have got your work to do together just now1 and ,i should only interrupt1 but call me in at the finish and ,i want a box the first night4 ,,ursula4 ,having read it1 ,paul smiled again4 ,he was still preoccupied with the beauty of the budding limes that arched the avenue of ,sight4 ,,chapter ,,xi ,,ursula ,if you teach a man to keep his eyes upon what others think of him1 unthinkingly to lead the life and hold the principles of the majority of his contemporaries1 you must discredit in his eyes the authoritative voice of his own soul4 ,he may be a docile citizen2 he will never be a man4 ,it is ours1 on the other hand1 to disregard the babble and chattering of other men better and worse than we are1 and to walk straight before us by what light we have4 ,they may be right2 but so1 before heaven1 are we4 ,they may know2 but we know also1 and by that knowledge we must stand or fall4 ,there is such a thing as loyalty to a man's better self2 and from those who have not that1 ,god help me1 how am ,i to look for loyalty to others8 444 ,although all the world ranged themselves in one line to tell ,this is wrong1 be you your own faithful vassal and the ambassador of ,god--throw down the glove and answer ,this is right4 ,do you think you are only declaring yourself8 ,perhaps in some dim way1 like a child who delivers a message not fully understood1 you are opening wider the straits of prejudice and preparing mankind for some truer and more spiritual grasp of truth2 perhaps1 as you stand forth for your own judgment1 you are covering a thousand weak ones with your body2 perhaps1 by this declaration alone1 you have avoided the guilt of false witness against humanity and the little ones unborn4 ,it is good1 ,i believe1 to be respectable1 but much nobler to respect oneself and utter the voice of ,god4--,,robert ,,louis ,,stevenson4 ,you see deeper8 ,thus saw he1 ,and by the light he saw1 must walk3 how else ,was he to do his part8 ,,robert ,,browning3 ,saviour of ,society4 7#a7 ,the day had come at last1 and had all but ended4 ,the busy writing1 that had been but an interlude1 as it seemed afterwards1 to the work of curtailing1 altering1 lengthening and finally staging the play2 the alternating moods of despair and hope2 the weeks of rehearsals2 the immediate days before the performance1 spent in town1 half lived at the theatre1 spent in a new bewildering atmosphere of critical interested faces1 critical indifferent faces1 toadying sycophant faces1 stupid careless faces2 all these were over4 ,arnold and ,ursula had stood by him all the time1 ,arnold giving him sanctuary in his rooms1 ,ursula ready for his moods1 the clearing-house of his thoughts and emotions4 ,paul had grown ever more clearly aware what good friends these were1 and now1 for the first night1 they two and ,tressor had been with him in the box4 ,he was very tired2 that seemed to stand out more clearly than anything else4 ,he was utterly tired of his own work1 and utterly tired of the whole dreary business of staging4 ,he had seen the curtain go up chiefly with a kind of dull wonder that anyone should be there to watch the fantastically familiar and now boring thing4 ,he had looked down with the rest1 across the footlights1 into that ,eastern street where passers by came and went1 and mules and asses1 where a radiant sun shone blindingly1 where tall white houses and the gaudy booths of merchants filled the scene2 but he had a sudden odd sense of ,chanctonbury and dark pines and the cool mellow wind1 and a feeling that the beggar-man had no place there4 ,yet the beggar-man was duly at his corner crouching in the dust1 whining1 shrinking from the ,pharisee's robe1 the merchant's stick4 ,paul found himself staring with aroused interest--his blind beggar-man6 ,and then there had been that confused murmur off the stage2 the sudden emptying of the street2 that cry of the ,son of ,david1 startlingly clear1 that had fetched the beggar-man to his feet and drawn him groping off1 leaving the deserted stalls1 the glaring dust and a tethered beast or two for the audience to study the while the noise without died down1 and leaped again into a sudden shout as the miracle was accomplished4 ,that had been his idea1 his only1 and his the new striding in of that alert figure1 thronged1 jostled1 questioned1 who made his resolute revolutionary way back to his old seat for his bowl and his stool ere he marched off home--seeing4 ,with the fall of the curtain1 an eager manager had pushed his way in4 ,capital1 capital1 ,mr4 ,kestern4 ,it's going like a bell4 ,thoroughwood is here1 and he's very impressed1 very impressed indeed4 ,i was not sure of him1 you know1 but if he says the right thing1 the play's made4 ,i congratulate you1 ,mr4 ,kestern1 ,i do indeed4 ,paul had stared at him4 ,then he bowed and murmured a conventional reply1 and sat down heavily by ,ursula4 ,she had put her hand on his arm and smiled4 ,that's all right1 she said4 ,don't mind him4 ,people will see the right thing1 if he doesn't4 ,will they8 he had questioned4 ,boy1 she said1 ,i've never had a doubt4 ,there's no denying sight4 ,and so it had been4 ,the thing was sight4 ,even a first-night ,london theatre audience1 attracted by the advertisement of an unusual thing1 had seen that4 ,the play as a play was good1 but the play as a parable was something more4 ,the clay had touched more eyes than those of the blind beggar that night4 ,when the last curtain fell1 it had fallen on a silent house4 ,the weaving of the spell had been complete4 ,art1 poetry1 drama and successful staging1 all had been there1 but the spirit of something more had stolen into the place4 ,several thousand men and women had looked on truth in its beauty1 stripped of the shams and conventionalities of orthodox religion1 and the utter loveliness of it had gone straight to their hearts4 ,of course1 the applause had come1 had grown1 had begun as a breath of relief and had risen to a crescendo of tumult4 ,people had invaded the box4 ,the manager had gestured towards a sea of upturned faces1 looking their way4 ,paul had gone behind1 shaken hands with a sudden grateful eagerness with the men and women who had played in his success1 and appeared for a moment before the curtain4 ,he had said something1 and bowed1 and felt suddenly utterly carried away1 so that he had waved his hand boyishly and had1 apparently1 done just the right thing1 whatever that was4 ,at present he had no recollection4 ,but even ,ursula had been smiling when he rejoined them4 ,come on1 cried ,arnold1 the taxi's waiting and we'll get out of this4 ,right1 said ,paul4 ,which way8 444 ,what is it8 ,lend me a pencil1 will you8 ,there1 will that do8 ,arnold thrust his arm into his4 ,look here1 he said1 for heaven's sake don't start signing programmes now4 ,on you go1 ,ursula4 ,we'll follow4 ,the porter in his little box smiled at him4 ,the manager appeared again and smiled at him4 7,oh1 ,i say1 don't go4 ,do stay for supper4444 ,thanks awfully1 but ,i've got a show fixed up1 ,i fear4 ,another night44447 ,a little crowd at the door smiled at him and thrust forward4 ,a policeman even smiled at him1 and thrust back4 ,ursula got in2 ,paul was vividly aware of the dark night1 a muddy street1 a yellow flare of light over the way1 the tail of a poster3 ----,,ar-,,man1 and the gleam of the girl's white opera-cloak4 ,then he too was in1 in the dark confined little space1 sitting down by her1 fumbling to move her wraps a little1 stowing his legs away to make room for ,arnold4 ,and then ,arnold1 lingering momentarily to bid the driver make all speed1 was in too1 and the door banged1 and the first performance was over4 ,thank ,god1 said ,arnold4 ,give me a cigarette1 somebody4 ,did you see ,muriel8 asked ,ursula4 ,she was in front4 ,she waved to me4 ,i took it to mean that she'd go on4 ,where's ,tressor8 demanded ,paul4 ,arnold laughed4 ,hear that1 ,ursula8 ,still1 ,i suppose it's excusable4 ,personally ,i should have been drunk before this4 ,you're really a marvel1 ,paul4 ,what in the world are you talking about8 ,ursula1 do explain4 ,her eyes danced at him4 ,oh1 it's nothing1 she said4 ,we're all of us too excited to talk sense4 ,paul1 isn't it absolutely priceless8 ,i can't tell you what ,i feel1 said ,paul4 ,tressor shook hands with you1 and said good-night and that he'd clear off1 and you were to let him know when you were going down to ,fordham1 explained ,arnold belatedly4 ,oh1 yes1 so he did4 ,i say1 ,mortimer did ',herod' well1 didn't he8 ,and d'you know1 that finish is good1 isn't it8 ,it was wonderful to-night4 ,in the end1 it seemed to me that ,i hadn't written it1 hadn't even seen it before4 ,magic of an excited house1 commented ,arnold4 ,well1 you ought to be a happy man4 ,you're a lucky one1 anyway4 ,i know4 ,i am4 ,i am both4 ,and ,i'm awfully grateful to you two4 ,arnold put his head out of the window4 ,here we are1 he cried1 half in and half out of the taxi4 ,we've done nothing4 ,paul turned suddenly to the girl4 ,you did everything1 he said1 with vivid realisation4 ,it had been ,ursula's wish to give ,paul a triumphant supper at her flat the night of his success4 ,it was not to be a big affair1 the three of them and ,muriel ,lister only1 and ,paul had eagerly assented1 realising a little how intolerable any other programme would be4 ,so now ,ursula went ahead upstairs1 and when ,paul and his friend came in1 was drawing her gloves off before the fire and chatting with her friend4 ,here he is1 she cried4 ,now ,muriel4 ,muriel ,lister took an eager pace forward and held out her hand4 ,mr4 ,kestern1 she said1 ,i don't know how to congratulate you4 ,you've done far more than devise a successful play1 far more than write some wonderful poetry4 ,you've preached a new religion1 do you know that8 ,you're rightly called ,paul2 you're an apostle4 ,paul laughed4 ,that's the one role ,i've sought all my days1 he said1 but ,i thought ,i should never play it4 ,well1 you have4 ,all ,london will know it to-morrow4 ,you've said the thing the churches are afraid to say4 ,you've said what we've been trying to preach for years4 ,and what's more1 you've said it in such a way that people will listen and see4 ,oh1 ,i do congratulate you6 ,my dear ,muriel1 said ,arnold1 you're intolerable4 ,a parson is bad enough1 but a woman parson is worse4 ,whatever you girls may feel1 ,i'm dying for eats and drinks1 and ,i bet the successful author is too1 only1 probably1 he's too shy to say so4 ,let's eat first and talk it over afterwards4 ,muriel chuckled and turned to ,ursula4 ,what a pig he is1 she cried1 but perhaps he's right4 ,we're all four too exalted for life at present4 ,let's eat1 and we shall grow sane4 ,it's a parable4 ,come on1 my dear2 shall ,i dole out chicken8 ,they gathered round the table in a corner of the big studio and fell to1 talking reminiscently and mostly all at once the while4 ,finally ,paul pushed his chair back a little and laughed aloud4 ,what is it now8 mumbled ,arnold1 still busy4 ,oh1 cried ,paul1 ,i can't believe it1 you know1 ,i can't believe it6 ,we four1 here1 and ,i the author of a play that--that 7,i know it's conceited1 but ,i can't help it7 that perhaps half ,london will be talking about in a week6 ,his little gesture took them all in3 ,arnold opposite1 consuming trifle2 ,ursula on his left1 tall1 dark1 leaning back in her chair1 playing with a spoon1 smiling2 ,muriel on his right1 keen-faced1 upright1 fair2 the bare table littered with pleasant things of glass and silver2 dishes--the white dbris of chicken1 the shattered orange of a jelly2 the shadowed spaces of the studio about them2 the blue curtains2 the faded ,persian rug2 easel2 worn1 easy chairs2 model's throne2 a shelf in the corner gleaming with the hammered copper of ,ursula's collection of antique ,arab coffee-pots and bowls2 a standard lamp shaded with blue and old gold2 a bookcase with its owner's carefully selected volumes1 among which were a couple now bearing his name4 ,and the three looked at him and read his face for a second or two in silence4 ,they all knew what he meant4 ,it was rather wonderful when one considered the ,paul ,kestern of ,lambeth ,court4 ,muriel ,lister broke the little silence4 ,it's like you not to believe it yet1 she said4 ,paul studied her and grew puzzled4 ,why do you say that8 he asked4 ,she threw a glance at ,ursula4 ,the two were great friends and confided in each other4 ,then she laughed4 ,you're still a bit blind1 you know1 she retorted4 ,why8 queried ,paul4 ,i don't see4 ,exactly1 nodded the other4 ,but come on1 let's talk4 ,paul chose the big footstool1 which1 in the studio1 had come to be regarded as his special right4 ,arnold sprawled on a couch4 ,muriel ,lister sat on a chair by ,paul4 ,ursula had a pile of cushions in the corner between ,arnold and the fire1 and said little as was her wont4 ,you've got to preach that new religion of yours1 went on ,muriel when they were settled4 ,i hope you realise that4 ,paul frowned4 ,he liked ,miss ,lister1 but not especially her rather parsonic manner4 ,i don't know that ,i can1 he said4 ,you must4 ,why shouldn't you8 ,i'm not sure that ,i see it like that myself yet4 ,surely you do4 ,don't you see it's just what the world is waiting for8 ,men and women have outgrown that old pious talk of a god that is no more than a glorified human being1 and especially they've outgrown all those grave-clothes the ,greek philosophers and ,eastern gnostics wound about the figure of the prophet of ,nazareth in order to present to the world a conception1 a ,jesus of the ,nicene ,creed4 ,but somehow there was no way out4 ,we all speculated as to the personality of ,god1 except a few1 who were agnostics1 but you get nowhere with negations4 ,i know1 said ,paul gravely4 ,that ,god of theirs is asleep4 ,the oracle is silent4 ,i know4 ,yes1 and now by some stroke of genius you've put your finger on the thing that matters4 ,sight4 ,the beauty of the world4 ',he's good1 omnipotent1 a father'--that's what the theologians have said4 ',it's beautiful1' say you1 and that's enough4 ,the gospel of sheer slothful material sentimentalism1 put in ,manning lazily4 ,she flashed on him4 ,rubbish1 she cried4 ,that's not the gospel of the ,beggar-,man1 is it1 ,mr4 ,kestern8 ,no1 said ,paul1 no1 no1 no2 it's not that4 ,no1 the glory of this is that it is positive4 ,it strides forward4 ,it builds2 it---- ,it builds what8 ,let's be practical4 ,that sort of talk1 up to the present anyway1 has mostly built ,agapemones4 ,muriel ,lister frowned4 ,no1 she said4 ,the ,temple of ,common ,things4 ,arnold sucked his pipe4 ,i fear ,i can't follow so quickly1 he retorted cynically4 ,you wouldn't4 ,but1 don't you see8 ,this creed doesn't seek an sthetic hybrid sensual beauty4 ,when the beggar-man had his eyes opened1 what was it seemed beautiful to him8 ,eh1 what8 ,paul smiled4 ,his three-legged stool1 he said1 and his little hovel4 ,exactly4 ,clay4 ,the beauty of gold-brown earth4 ,and ,miss ,lister relapsed into silence4 ,i still don't see the gospel1 said ,arnold4 ,you're born blind1 then1 retorted the girl4 ,well1 returned ,arnold1 be a little more explicit4 ,get on with it4 ,a gospel that origins and ends don't matter and that we ought to be influenced by them not at all2 that ,god is veiled1 but the veil is good2 that we are kin to all that is2 that barriers are of our own making2 that the urge of life within us is our guide2 and that moralities and revelations and false spiritualities have themselves made sin4 ,and1 she added slowly1 that the true spiritual life consists in the pursuit of learning1 experience and beauty1 according to vocation1 without fear and for themselves alone4 ,fear8 queried ,arnold4 ,yes1 without fear4 ,the gospel of the ,beggar-,man banishes fear4 ,he knows right values4 ,he knows he cannot be robbed of anything that matters4 ,he fears no man2 all men are brothers2 all are blind beggars with potential sight2 he has nothing but pity for your aristocrat1 your millionaire4 ',news from ,nowhere'1 chuckled ,arnold4 ,true--with the path blazoned to it1 she exclaimed4 ,it appears to be you and not ,paul who is preaching anyway1 put in ,ursula1 staring into the fire4 ,he will live it1 and he will sing it--and you will paint it1 cried ,muriel4 ,which reminds me1 said ,paul gravely1 that ,i've to go down to ,claxted to-morrow4 ,claxted8 ,yes1 to my people4 ,i've utterly neglected them lately4 ,they don't even know ,i've written a play4 ,they will to-morrow1 said ,arnold1 if they read the newspapers4 ,yes1 ,paul replied slowly1 ,i think they will4 ,and was suddenly silent1 with a silence that the little company knew to be significant4 ,the firelight danced on his face4 ,ursula turned her head slowly and studied him4 7#b7 ,paul went back with ,arnold1 and next morning the two friends packed up and parted1 ,arnold going to ,cambridge1 ,paul to ,claxted4 ,the latter was to spend some weeks with his people and was restless over the prospect4 ,he did not say much1 however2 ,arnold was almost incapable of understanding just what ,claxted meant4 ,he knew that the ,kesterns were old-fashioned and strait-laced2 what he could not know was the sincerity1 the earnestness on the one hand1 and the fierce fanaticism on the other1 of their faith4 ,but ,paul knew1 or thought so4 ,perhaps he should have realised even more than he did1 but the years of partial separation and the mellow influence of ,fordham had dulled his memory to some extent4 ,he had hardly left ,claxted station1 however1 before he got an inkling of what was to be4 ,in ,edward ,street he ran into ,miss ,bishop4 ,now ,miss ,bishop was ,miss ,bishop1 a unique product of divine providence1 but beneath all her angularity and sectarianism ran a kindly current which had hitherto embraced ,paul4 ,he therefore smiled at seeing her1 shifted a suitcase to his left hand and held out his right4 ,why1 ,miss ,bishop1 he said1 how do you do8 ,the woman's lips compressed and her eyes flashed4 ,you can be as cheerful as that1 can you8 she said4 ,do you realise the evil you have done8 ,but ,i suppose you don't4 ,may ,god open your eyes in time1 that is all ,i have to say4 ,good-day4 ,and she passed on1 without taking his hand4 ,paul's astonishment and dismay were almost ludicrous4 ,a passing small boy with a street urchin's keen perception1 perceived vaguely that he had hit on a lucky incident4 ,his arrested whistle and wide grin recalled ,paul to his senses4 ,fair cop1 mister8 queried the small boy1 hopefully4 ,paul ignored him1 caught a glimmer of the humour of the situation1 changed his grip on his suitcase again1 and passed on4 ,but as he went1 he turned her words over in his mind4 ,increasingly he could see no sense in them4 ,taking the cinder-path that skirts the railway1 the kindly touch of familiar things which have ceased to have power to perplex or terrify came to his aid4 ,it was along this path that he had gone to the ,mission ,hall ,sunday by ,sunday1 the waters of his soul troubled with the frenzy of apostleship1 but it was along this path that he had returned often and again arm in arm with a tender kindly ,mr4 ,kestern who had shared all his son's enthusiasms and sympathised in his distresses4 ,here1 as a schoolboy1 he had counted trains or trudged eagerly home from school for a ,saturday afternoon excursion4 ,here1 more adult1 he had been first conscious of sex stimulus 7though then and now he did not so label it7 in the company of ,madeline and ,edith4 ,edith6 ,yes1 it was of ,edith that he thought mostly as he walked home4 ,she had been reserved and sorrowful on his going to ,fordham1 had replied more and more tardily to letters1 had finally ceased to write at all4 ,but he too had ceased4 ,anyone as sensitive as ,paul to surroundings would have felt an incongruity between ,edith ,thornton and ,fordham ,manor1 and then1 too1 he had been going through an emotional stress big enough to dominate his mind4 ,but now1 back here in the home atmosphere1 he thought very warmly of her4 ,he longed for her simplicity1 her nave faith4 ,it did not seem to him a barrier between them4 ,after all1 with the sight of the ,beggar-,man1 it was easy to enfold her in tenderness and understanding4 ,thus1 then1 he came at last to his father's door1 waited impatiently for the maid to open it1 dropped his bag in the little hall1 and turned impulsively to the figure of ,mr4 ,kestern irresolute in the study door4 ,dad1 he cried1 it is good to see you again6 ,how are you8 ,how's mother8 ,oh1 ,paul6 ,the love1 the sorrow1 the yearning of ,mrs4 ,kestern's cry stabbed him suddenly and unexpectedly to the heart4 ,she had rushed past her husband and flung her arms about his neck4 ,emotion welling up in him1 he bent his head to kiss her1 and felt the hot tears on her cheek4 ,oh1 my boy1 my boy4444 ,you've come at last1 ,paul4 ,oh1 my son1 you'll never doubt your mother's love for you1 will you8 ,kiss your father1 ,paul4 ,i cannot lose either of my men4 ,paul was already bewildered4 ,the pathos of her grip on his arm1 and the significance of her eagerness to see the greeting between him and his father1 were not lost upon him4 ,his mother clinging to him1 he turned to his father1 who had not stirred4 ,of course ,i've come1 mother darling1 he said4 ,but ,i've been terribly busy1 you know4 ,and it's awfully jolly seeing you and daddy again4 7,he used the childish word unconsciously47 ,how are you1 father8 ,the man moved a little and brushed his son's lips4 ,paul perceived in a moment that he had aged4 ,fear slipped suddenly into his mind4 ,he peered a little to see his father's eyes1 and then1 with something like a catch in his heart1 and with a deliberate blindness1 pushed them before him into the study4 ,oh1 it is jolly to be back1 he cried again1 but with simulated enthusiasm now1 refusing to admit what he had seen1 stifling his growing apprehension4 ,mr4 ,kestern seated himself in his revolving chair in front of the bureau4 ,his ,bible lay open upon it4 ,paul caught a glimpse of the underlinings1 the railway-lines1 the added red and black of the almost microscopic notes in the neat handwriting he knew so well4 ,he looked swiftly round4 ,the case of stuffed birds1 the books1 the framed portraits1 a print of ,john ,g4 ,paton1 missionary in the ,new ,hebrides--nothing had changed4 ,his eye fell on a text1 the letters of which had been cut out separately with a fretsaw1 hung on an invisible thread1 and draped on the wall above the bureau4 ,jesus ,himself drew near and went with them4 ,that was new2 and yet1 yet1 how old6 ,the old ,claxted2 the old faith2 the old obstinate unchanging evangelicalism that was already a lifetime old to him4 ,how are all your new friends8 asked his father4 ,the hidden note of bitterness stung ,paul for the first time to something like anger4 ,he choked it down1 however4 ,very well indeed1 thanks1 he said evenly4 ,i had supper with them last night1 and saw ,manning off to ,cambridge this morning4 ,the very newspaper told us that much1 said ,mr4 ,kestern1 with a gesture towards the ,morning ,post that lay folded on a side-table4 ,after the theatre1 ,i understand4 ,the harshness of the man's voice was too obvious to allow of any further equivocation4 ,paul moved over to the fireplace1 and his mother1 seated in an arm-chair1 held out a hand appealingly to him4 ,paul1 dear1 she entreated1 don't anger your father4 ,you know what he feels about the theatre4 ,but ,i've said nothing1 mother1 cried ,paul miserably4 ,nothing6 exclaimed ,mr4 ,kestern1 wheeling round on him1 no longer able to restrain himself1 nothing6 ,do you think it is nothing that my boy should write a play8 ,my son1 photographed with a stage-manager1 appearing--what is your word8--'called' before the curtain6 ,oh1 ,god1 what have ,i done that my son should come to this6 ,father1 father1 don't6 cried ,mrs4 ,kestern4 ,of course ,paul must take his own place---- ,mother1 you don't know what you say4 ,his own place6 ,but that is the son we gave to ,god1 that is the son of our hopes and prayers1 that is the boy for whom we contrived and saved that he might go to college1 and now--now1 he writes plays6 ,the bitterness is more than ,i can bear4 ,i have lost my son4 ,the grim comedy of it was lost on the three of them4 ,mrs4 ,kestern burst into tears4 ,father1 dear1 she sobbed1 don't say such terrible things4 ,oh1 ,i can't bear it6 ,something awoke and flared up in ,paul4 ,the thing had come so quickly1 with such an appearance of inevitability that he had been taken wholly unawares4 ,he had hoped for a reasonable talk about the theatre1 and at least a comfortable agreement to differ4 ,but he had been conscious during the last few minutes of utter helplessness before this incredible attitude1 and now the cruel absurdity of it all flamed before him4 ,father1 he burst out1 you've no right to speak so4 ,you've no right to judge the theatre as you do4 ,you know nothing about it4 ,you've not seen my play4 ,i haven't1 thank ,god1 ,i haven't4 ,but ,i've read about it4 ,i've read about it with utter shame and dismay4 ,yet ,i can't1 ,i won't at least1 believe all that the paper hints at4 ,is it true that you have parodied the ,gospel8 ,parodied8 ,paul was utterly bewildered again4 ,yes1 parodied4 ,i gather you have taken a story that you learned as a boy at your mother's knee1 upon which ,i have even heard you preach1 and have reset it1 rewritten it1 pushing the ,master into the background1 denying1 so far as ,i can see1 the ,son of ,god4 ,father---- sobbed ,mrs4 ,kestern4 ,mother1 that will do4 ,paul and ,i must thrash this thing out4 ,tell me1 ,paul1 once and for all1 what is ,jesus ,christ now to you8 ,paul stared at him4 ,mr4 ,kestern1 flushed1 vehement1 terrible1 was the father of the old ,catholic controversial days1 the father from whom he was divided by an impassable gulf4 ,what could he say8 ,how could he explain8 ,he made an involuntary hopeless gesture that was immediately misunderstood1 and turned back to the fireplace4 ,ah1 cried ,mr4 ,kestern1 you will not answer4 ,this is what your ,catholic friends have done for you6 ,i told you so1 but you would never believe me4 ,rome was so reasonable and fair1 wasn't it8--an angel of light4 ,father ,vassall believed in ,christ as earnestly as ,i did--did you not say that8 ,but this is the end6 ,you deny the ,master who bought you with ,his own blood6 ,the utter injustice of that charge broke down ,paul's last reserve4 ,he turned swiftly back1 as vehement as the other1 the true son of his father if the elder could only have seen it4 ,you don't know what you say1 he cried4 ,this is utter madness1 utter childish folly4 ,father ,vassall has nothing whatever to do with all this4 ,how could he8 ,do you think he wanted me to go to ,fordham1 though you did4 ,why1 if he had had his way1 ,i should be a ,catholic priest by now1 or well on the way to it4 ,just so1 stormed his father1 a ,catholic priest indeed6 ,then he would have trapped you finely4 ,as it is1 baulked in that1 he will send your soul to hell by another road6 ,oh1 ,i can't bear it1 ,i can't bear it1 cried ,mrs4 ,kestern1 rocking herself to and fro4 ,paul clenched his fists4 ,you've no right to speak so1 he retorted passionately4 ,how dare you insult ,father ,vassall in that way8 ,is it like ,christ to talk so8 ,if that is all your evangelicalism can do for you1 ,i am well quit of it4 ,so you admit you are quit of it8 ,you turn your back on your father's and mother's faith8 ,you have no use for the ,scripture of ,truth8 ,the boy might1 in a saner moment1 have caught the tone of invincible bigotry that had crept into his father's words4 ,of course ,i've use for it1 retorted ,paul again1 contemptuously4 ,haven't ,i written a play under its inspiration8 ,but ,i must make my own judgment on religion4 ,mr4 ,kestern sobered suddenly and terribly4 ,he spoke biting words with slow deliberation4 ,you must1 sir1 he said1 only it is blasphemy to speak so of inspiration4 ,and you will be good enough to tell me what is your judgment on the ,master ,who alone is served in this house4 ,paul gazed at him a minute4 ,phrases rose to his lips4 ,then he realised how useless they would be4 ,his anger died as quickly as it had arisen4 ,you would not understand1 he said hopelessly4 ,i know ,i have not the new learning of my son1 retorted ,mr4 ,kestern bitterly1 but ,i think ,i can understand that much4 ,will you answer a plain question8 ,are you still on the ,lord's side1 or not8 ,of course he is1 wept ,mrs4 ,kestern4 ,father1 how can you ask8 ,speak1 ,paul1 and tell him you still love and serve the ,lord ,jesus8 ,mr4 ,kestern studied his son's face4 ,speak1 then1 he said slowly4 ,paul hesitated4 ,then he drew himself up4 ,i love and respect and admire ,jesus of ,nazareth with all my heart1 he said4 ,his teaching it is that has opened my eyes1 and his gospel of compassion and brotherliness is as noble as any that the world has yet heard4 ,but ,i cannot call him ,god as you do1 and as ,catholics do4 ,the anger died in ,mr4 ,kestern's face4 ,the look of an old and broken man crept into it4 ,he turned back to his desk and picked up his ,bible4 ,do you perhaps remember what this says8 he demanded4 ,listen4 7,he fumbled with the leaves47 ',he that confesseth not that ,jesus ,christ is come in the flesh is not of ,god1 and this is the spirit of antichrist1 whereof ye have heard that it should come2 and even now already is it in the world4' ,the words lingered in the little room4 ,the three of them1 each in his or her own way1 quailed before the stark decisiveness of them4 ,mrs4 ,kestern it was who first could bear it no longer4 ,father1 he is your son1 she cried4 ,nothing can alter that6 ,mr4 ,kestern was on his feet1 two thousand years of ,christianity stripped from him1 the spirit of the ,old ,testament glowing in his face4 ,what saith the ,scripture8 he cried4 ',cursed be he that setteth light by his father or his mother4' ',cursed be he that maketh the blind to wander out of the way4' ,or our ,master ,himself3 ',he that loveth child more than me is not worthy of me4' ,and you1 ,paul1 have done both these things4 ,my grey hairs you would bring down in sorrow to the grave1 but that is not enough4 ,here1 into this very parish of which ,i am pastor1 you have brought your devil's doctrine and broken up one family of ,christ's flock already4 ,shall ,i spare my son any more than our brother spared his daughter8 ,you will leave this house1 and ,i do not want to see your face till you come as a penitent again4 ,mrs4 ,kestern buried her face in her hands and cowered in her chair with an inarticulate cry of woe so bitter that both father and son shrank before it4 ,the clergyman stepped quickly over to her4 ,mother1 mother1 he cried1 the dear ,lord knows4 ,he will save the boy yet4 ,but how can we have such in this house8 ,my son1 my son1 she wailed4 ,then1 breaking free from her husband1 ,oh1 ,paul1 say you don't mean it6 ,paul1 ,paul1 would you break your mother's heart8 ,say you don't mean it1 ,paul1 say you don't mean it6 ,she flung her arms round his neck1 but the boy put her away4 ,he was piecing this and that together1 and was no more only the boy4 ,what do you mean1 he demanded1 when you say ,i have broken up a family in this parish8 ,what charge is that8 ,tell me1 if you have any justice left in you4 ,you know1 said his father sternly2 don't pretend you do not4 ,i do not know1 cried ,paul passionately4 ,i begin to think you are mad1 all mad4 ,my ,god1 if this is the religion of ,christ1 ,christ would not know it6 ,his father started1 and for a moment it was almost as if the old man would strike his son4 ,then1 with a gesture1 he strode to the door4 ,go1 he said1 go4 ,only last month ,i had to comfort ,mr4 ,thornton when his child1 ,edith1 left his house to become a ,papist through you4 ,papist or atheist1 it is all one to me4 ,i will not have such within my house4 ,edith6 cried ,paul1 utterly dumbfounded4 ,his tone1 and the use of the girl's name1 braced ,mrs4 ,kestern4 ,oh1 ,paul1 she cried1 you knew of it1 don't pretend you didn't6 ,how you could have acted so behind our backs ,i can't think4 ,poor1 poor girl6 ,oh1 you had better go now4 ,it would be better for us all4 ,may our ,father have mercy on us1 and may you be spared the agony that your parents know4 ,his mother's action brought ,paul to his senses4 ,he looked from one to the other of them in consternation4 ,you don't mean it1 he cried1 surely you don't mean it6 ,don't go like that1 ,paul1 sobbed ,mrs4 ,kestern1 breaking down again1 ,i can't bear it4 ,paul pulled himself together4 ,but1 mother1 father1 he said1 this is sheer madness4 ,we are not living in the ,middle ,ages4 ,this isn't melodrama4 ,i--,i differ from you in religion1 ,i know2 ,i can't help it2 ,i must do what seems right to me4 ,but surely1 because of that---- ,his father opened the study door4 ,broken and old1 there was a certain dignity now in his face4 ,paul1 he said1 we talk different tongues1 but nothing alters the fact that you have turned utterly from the religion of your parents to serve another4 ',as for me and my house1 we will serve the ,lord4' ,you have no place here4 ,go now1 lest we say in our anger what ought not to be said4 ,paul looked again heavily round the room4 ,you have said it already1 he replied1 and left the house4 7#c7 ,paul walked down the street like a man in a dream4 ,once he stopped1 turned1 and walked a few paces back1 telling himself that it could not be true1 that it was too theatrical to be true4 ,but his father's face rose before him as he went1 and still more the terror of his mother's tears4 ,he recalled the history of a friend of his in training for the ,baptist ministry1 who had decided he could not accept the doctrine of the deity of ,christ and had been cursed by his widowed mother and turned into the street with eighteenpence in his pocket4 ,somehow it had never seemed possible that it could happen to him4 ,yet1 in the throes of the ,catholic stage of his soul's pilgrimage1 it had been plain enough that something of that sort would happen if he made his submission to the ,church4 ,once more1 the horror of his parents' grief as he had seen it when he knelt in ,father ,vassall's chapel gripped his heart4 ,and now1 and now1 suddenly1 so ironically1 so futilely1 so childishly1 this thing had swept down upon him4 ,he1 ,paul ,kestern1 had been turned from his father's house4 ,the thing was true4 ,then1 into the stream of his thoughts1 drifted the memory of what had been said of ,edith ,thornton4 ,of all the incredible happenings of an incredible morning1 that1 perhaps1 was ultimately one of the most incredible4 ,edith a ,catholic6 ,he thought of her face under the lamplight in ,lambeth ,court--oh1 incredible6 ,but one moment3 he thought of her prayer under the pines at ,keswick1 of her answer to his dilemma after his return from ,thurloe ,end4 ,gradually he began to piece together the mosaic of her simple reasoning1 her resolute faith1 her ardent love2 it was exactly of such souls that ,catholic saints are made4 ,that1 then1 had been the inner meaning of her sorrow over his going to ,fordham and of her silence thereafter4 ,this resolution1 this terrible domestic retribution1 had come crashing down on her head1 and she1 too1 had been driven out alone4 ,once more the flame of anger flickered in his heart4 ,as he thought it over1 his indignation grew4 ,he pictured her1 as he loved best to do1 in the quiet neat simplicity of that brown dress of hers1 with her clear1 trustful eyes4 ,and they had turned her out1 had they1 to what1 he should like to know8 ,good ,god1 and this was in ,england to-day6 ,he saw ,mr4 ,thornton1 rotund1 bald1 very respectable1 and realised that if1 at bottom1 he was as bigoted a ,protestant as any of them1 business was mixed up with religion4 ,the man had never really loved his daughter1 ,paul thought1 he1 with his commercial soul1 his respectable tradesman's boot-licking servility1 his front pew in the side aisle never empty on a ,sunday4 ,and as he thought of it all1 he came to a resolution4 ,he gripped his stick more firmly and turned off to ,edward ,street4 ,a girl assistant came forward4 ,paul did not know her4 ,could he see ,mr4 ,thornton8 ,she would enquire4 ,what name8 ,mr4 ,kestern1 said ,paul1 a little grimly4 ,a flutter of surprise and then of understanding crossed the girl's face4 ,would he sit down4 ,she would tell ,mr4 ,thornton4 ,she disappeared behind a screen and opened a door4 ,paul1 looking round the suburbanly-fashionable shop1 knew that she stood in front of a solid1 highly polished desk in that little inner sanctum1 and wondered if she would say more than his name4 ,if not1 it would be his father who would be expected4 ,the immediate appearance of ,mr4 ,thornton round the screen1 bowing1 smiling1 rubbing his hands1 showed him that she had not4 ,he walked forward4 ,as the photographer started in surprise1 he spoke4 ,how do you do1 ,mr4 ,thornton8 ,i've come to ask if ,i may see ,edith4 7,better to put it that way3 the man would not know how much he had been told47 ,edith's father stood and looked at him in amazement4 ,paul1 out of the corner of his eye1 saw the interested friendly smile of the girl behind4 ,possibly ,mr4 ,thornton saw it reflected in the young man's face1 for his own flushed angrily4 ,he stumbled for words4 ,you1 you---- he spluttered4 ,how dare you1 sir8 ,paul surveyed him coolly4 ,he was sure of his ground now4 ,really1 ,mr4 ,thornton444 he said4 ,your daughter and ,i were very good friends in the ,mission1 and ,i have not seen her for some time4 ,look here1 burst out the man1 you may be a clergyman's son1 and you may think to come it over me1 but ,i tell you you were responsible--,i know you were responsible4 ,broke her mother's 'eart1 she has1 and you---- ,he realised suddenly that he was in the shop4 ,anyone might come in4 ,the girl was there4 ,he took a grip of himself and prepared for a more cold-blooded battle4 ,ah1 he said conventionally1 ,i'm very glad you've called4 ,will you please to come inside a moment4 ,paul entered the lion's den4 ,the little man was still more reassured by the weight and prosperity of his office furniture4 ,he sank into his chair1 and motioned ,paul to a seat4 ,one glance to see that the door was shut behind him1 and then3 ,i'm very glad you've called4 ,if there was a just law in this land1 ,i ought to be able to prosecute you1 ,i ought4 ,you made my girl a ,catholic1 you did1--a ,papist1 my girl6 ,you go to college to learn to be a minister1 and you come sneaking back pervertin' a girl like my ,edith4 ,and where is she now1 ,i ask you1 where is she now8 ,in a convent1 that's where she is4 ,fair broke her mother's 'eart it has4 ,a convent6 ,going to be a nun6 ,and what tricks they'll play on her there1 what dirty tricks them ,jesuits will be up to---- ,paul cut in decisively4 ,mr4 ,thornton1 he said1 that will do4 ,that is utter rubbish1 you know4 ,what is more1 it is beastly4 ,i won't hear it4 ,mr4 ,thornton knew education and the manner of gentlemen4 ,he had all the ,claxted respect for them4 ,so now this peremptory young man momentarily shut him up4 ,er--er--,i---- he stuttered4 ,paul leaned coolly back and waited4 ,he was desperately angry1 and he was beginning to be aware of a sense of bitter loss1 but both1 here1 only made him cool4 ,and his coolness enraged the photographer even as he stammered under his set-back4 ,his sense of outrage1 of personal injury1 came rapidly to the fore again4 ,it grew every second1 and at last3 ,well1 ,i've lost my girl1 anyway1 ,i have1 and through you4 ,what had you got to do with her1 anyway1 that's what ,i want to know8 ,walkin' out with her--as good as--,i hear now---- ,paul flushed4 ,there it was1 the naked truth1 as ,alf ,vintner and ,maud and half the parish probably saw it4 ,he bit his lip4 ,mr4 ,thornton1 he said1 ,i wanted to marry your daughter4 ,marry6 ,the man gaped on him4 ,somehow he had not thought that4 ,he had never thought that ,mr4 ,kestern's son1 at ,cambridge too1 doing so well1 going to be a minister1 had thought seriously of marrying his daughter4 ,heavens1 what they had missed6 ,and this young man apparently thought he had missed something1 too4 ,after all1 then1 he couldn't have persuaded her to seek a convent4 ,this was a new development4 ,you don't say so1 now1 ,mr4 ,kestern1 sir1 he said4 ,well1 ,edith was a dear good girl1 the best of the lot ,i always said4 ,whatever made her take up with that ,catholikism1 ,i can't tell4 ,she never heard it in this house1 ,i know4 ,and seeing that you were going ,high ,church1 mother and ,i1 we thought444 ,what happened1 ,mr4 ,thornton1 can you tell me that8 ,well1 sir1 she outs with it one evening1 six months or so ago it was4 ,says she's going to be received into the ,church--those were her very words4 ,going to be received into the ,church6 ,it made me very hot1 ,mr4 ,kestern1 it did4 ,no member of our family has ever been a ,catholic1 thank ,god1 and ,i said as ,i wouldn't have a child of mine a ,catholic in a good church-going evangelical house like this4 ,said it out plain and straight1 ,i did4 ,and she ups and walks out of the door that very night4 ,you mean you turned her out1 ,i suppose4 ,well1 sir1 ,i was hot1 ,i admit4 ,she provoked me1 too1 knowing better'n her father4 ',if you can't go to my church1 out you go1' ,i said4 ',you mean that1 father8' she asks4 ',yes1' ,i said1 standing on my dignity1 and she just walks off4 ,her mother in tears1 too4 ',you go to communion with me1 or you're no daughter of mine1' that was what ,i said1 ,mr4 ,kestern1 and your father1 he supported me in it afterwards4 ,and you turned her out that night1 as she was8 ,as she was1 she walked out1 ,mr4 ,kestern4 ,went straight to the ,catholic ,convent1 ,i believe4 ,her mother saw her there once4 ,and where she is now1 ,i don't know4 ,no1 ,i don't know4 ,she was going to be a nun1 she said1 and it seems1 she being over-age1 nobody can't stop her4 ,if there was a law in this so-called ,christian land1 ,mr4 ,kestern---- ,paul got up4 ,the look on his face checked the photographer4 ,i understand1 ,mr4 ,thornton1 he said1 despite your words4 ,your ,christianity was such that you drove your daughter from your house for the sake of her new faith4 ,i should hardly have thought it possible1 but ,i fear ,i understand only too well4 ,and ,i will tell you what ,i think of it1 ,mr4 ,thornton4 ,it was a cowardly1 mean1 base1 unchristian thing of you to do1 and that ,jesus1 in whose name you did it1 would never have lent his authority to any such thing4 ,it is utterly foreign to his gospel4 ,as for ,edith1 ,i hope to ,god she knows her own mind1 that is all1 and in my own sorrow1 ,i can only find heart to be glad that at least she is not here4 ,good-day4 ,and ,paul1 not waiting for the other to recover1 walked out of the shop4 ,at the corner of ,edward ,street and ,wellington ,road1 scarcely reasoning as to what he was about to do1 he hailed a cab and drove to the convent4 ,he had bearded the nun who opened the door and was in the parlour waiting to see the ,reverend ,mother before he realised the futility of his action4 ,still1 he was there now1 and he looked curiously about him4 ,it was while he waited in that parlour that he came to a realisation of how far from the religion it represented he had moved4 ,plainly furnished with a table1 a few stiff chairs1 a foreign-looking so-called couch with an antimacassar1 and a cheap bookshelf with old-fashioned books in it1 an oleograph of ,pius ,,ix4 hung over the mantelpiece1 beaming blandly1 half a crucifix behind him4 ,a ,madonna in coloured plaster stood on a shelf1 and on the mantel-piece at one end a cast of ,christ pointing to his bleeding dripping heart1 and at the other another of ,st4 ,theresa gazing seraphically upwards4 ,a crucifix stood between them1 the ,christ meeting ,st4 ,theresa's gaze with agonised eyes1 white girt about the waist with a heavy plaster loin-cloth4 ,the table was covered with a faded red cloth4 ,it held an inkstand and a blotter4 ,in the corner a prie-,dieu was tucked out of the way4 ,the ,reverend ,mother was kind and polite4 ,did he come from the family8 ,no1 and ,paul hardly cared to explain4 ,well1 of course1 he could not1 in any case1 see ,sister ,edith4 ,nor was she there in fact4 ,she had been admitted to the novitiate1 and1 during training1 the rules were strict4 ,she could not promise that a letter would be given2 it depended on the letter4 ,paul understood that it would be read4 ,the sister was very happy1 however1 much happier than she had been on the night she arrived alone and in tears1 turned out from her father's house4444 ,that was all1 of course4 ,he might have known it4 ,but one thing after another4444 ,paul ,kestern suddenly took stock of his own heart4 ,where1 indeed1 was he even to sleep that night8 ,in the street1 he turned the question over4 ,and afterwards1 what was he to do8 ,manning was at ,cambridge2 well1 ,fordham4444 ,but suddenly he hated ,fordham4 ,he saw it1 proud1 aloof1 and utterly failing to understand such troubles as were his4 ,tressor1 too1 would be there1 and ,paul shrank from ,tressor's dignified quiet kindliness4 ,he suddenly knew himself to be alone4 ,he knew himself to be beaten1 bruised1 lonely2 yes1 he1 with the morning's paper full of his triumph4 ,apples of ,sodom4444 ,for this he had made the great exchange4 ,this was what it all came to3 he was down and out and alone4 ,ursula8 7#d7 ,he took train to town1 engaged a room for the night at the ,grosvenor as being the nearest hotel1 and took a taxi to her flat4 ,two at a time he mounted the stairs2 damn the lift4 ,he knocked4 ,come in1 she called4 ,it was eight o'clock and the lights were on1 of course4 ,she was sitting alone in an easy-chair by the fire1 clad in a loose simple dress of a rich deep orange that became her well4 ,she was reading1 and looked up almost expectantly from her book at his knock4 ,a little fire leaped in the grate1 and the room was still1 familiar1 kind4 ,she smiled enquiringly as she saw him4 ,why1 ,paul1 she said4 ,paul moved slowly over to her1 closing the door behind him4 ,on the rug before the fire1 he came to a standstill1 looking down into her upturned face with its clear unafraid open eyes1 set in its ring of black hair1 taking in her regular definite features1 her white throat4 ,she smiled at him again as he stood there1 tenderly4 ,ursula1 ,ursula6 he cried1 took a hasty step forward1 dropped on his knees before her1 and buried his face in the kindly flame of her dress4 ,she reached a hand out and laid it on his head1 stroking his hair4 ,for a little neither moved4 ,then3 ,i understand1 ,paul1 she said without more words2 ,i thought it might be so4 ,your face told me last night4 ,he looked up4 ,you're very wonderful1 he said slowly4 ,how could you guess8 ,but it's not only my people1 ,ursula4 ,that1 of course1 was just too terrible4 ,father simply drove me out4 ,not a word of explanation would he allow4 ,it happened so quickly1 too2 at first ,i hardly understood4444 ,but ,i think it was worse afterwards when ,i did4 ,edith has gone to be a nun4 ,edith8 ,yes4 7,words came quicker now47 ,of course you don't know about her though4 ,i was in love with her4 ,ursula1 she was such a dear4 ,somehow or another ,i see now what ,i've lost1 desolatingly4 ,do you know--of course1 it sounds absurd--but in my mind she is1 as it were1 in the balance against the theatre4 ,she was so different4 ,she was so unspoilt1 so simple1 so loving4 ,oh1 she was a dear1 ,ursula4 ,and she's gone to be a nun1 and it was ,i who made her4 ,you who made her8 ,well1 ,i set her thinking about the ,catholic ,church1 ,i suppose4 ,of course ,i don't know in the least what brought her to it in the end1 but still ,i can see1 somehow4 ,she was made to be a nun4 ,then she could hardly have been made for you4 ,oh1 ,i don't know4 ,she was such a dear4 ,you don't know1 he cried bitterly4 ,ursula smiled4 ,you odd1 impetuous1 eager creature1 she said4 ,but1 ,ursula1 ,i'm utterly sick and miserable to-night4 ,i can't put it into words properly4 ,i see what ,i've lost4 ,my people--of course1 they're ignorant1 almost mad1 but they've got something that ,i've lost4 ,their faith is wonderful4 ,christ is so real to them4 ,they live in an odd world1 but it isn't shallow1 it isn't a sham1 and our world is such a sham1 ,ursula4 ,i feel that at the theatre so much4 ,you never know what people really think and mean4 ,and afterwards1 in the morning light1 so to speak1 it's all made-up and painted and false4 ,she said nothing1 only shifted her eyes to the fire4 ,and then there's ,edith4 ,you can't see ,edith1 ,ursula1 as ,i do4 ,she was like a flower4 ,she was so utterly simple and childish and true4 ,she was just the opposite to all this4 ,she saw through things4 ,that's why she's become a nun1 of course2 just walked straight forward into it4 ,and our world never walks straight forward4 ,our world8 ,the tone of her voice held him4 ,she had shaded her face with her hand now and did not look at him4 ,our world1 ,paul8 she queried again4 ,what do you mean8 ,she did not at once reply4 ,then1 suddenly1 she turned and looked at him4 ,what are you going to do now8 she asked4 ,i don't know4 ,there seems nothing to do4 ,i thought the blind beggar saw beauty so wonderfully4 ,didn't it fill his life8 ,he shrugged his shoulders and said nothing4 ,the room hung very still4 ,then you don't know what you're going to do8 she asked again at last4 ,no4 ,come with ,muriel and me to ,africa4 ,what8 ,i thought that would startle you4 ,we only fixed it definitely this morning4 ,muriel's brother is an assistant commissioner or something of that sort in ,basutoland1 and he's given her an open invitation to visit him4 ,yesterday1 too1 she was asked to go out and address some series of meetings in the ,cape and ,natal4 ,i should like to see the country and paint4 ,so we settled this morning to go together--about ,june4 ,come too4 ,could ,i8 ,of course4 ,but what about ,muriel8 ,she'd love it4 ,and one more in a ,south ,african house doesn't matter4 ,paul turned it swiftly over4 ,with his books and his successful play he knew he could raise enough money4 ,he drew a deep breath4 ,oh1 he said1 ,i'd love it4 ,good1 she said1 that's settled4 ,we're travelling ,east ,coast4 ,and now1 why not go down and stay with mother for a little8 ,,chapter ,,xii ,,zanzibar ,lo1 winged with world's wonders1 ,with miracles shod1 ,with the fires of his thunders ,for raiment and rod1 ,god trembles in heaven1 and the angels are white with the terror of ,god4 99 99 99 99 99 ,thought made him and breaks him1 ,truth slays and forgives2 ,but to you1 as time takes him1 ,this new thing it gives1 ,even love1 the beloved ,republic1 that feeds upon freedom and lives4 ,,algernon ,,charles ,,swinburne3 ,hertha4 ,high sat white ,helen1 lonely and serene4 ,he had not remembered that she was so fair1 ,and that her neck curved down in such a way2 ,and he felt tired4 ,he flung the sword away1 ,and kissed her feet1 and knelt before her there1 ,the perfect ,knight before the perfect ,queen4 ,,rupert ,,brooke3 ,menelaus and ,helen4 7#a7 ,paul was staring over ,ursula's shoulder at her nearly finished water-colour1 and she1 leaning back a little1 was putting quick touches to it4 ,her chair was against the rail on the shady side of the boat deck2 and just below1 the endless procession of natives who had begun carrying coal from lighters alongside to the coal bunkers of the ship since but an hour or two after anchor had been dropped the night before1 and who were still apparently as busy as ever1 toiled1 each man in it naked to the waist-cloth1 sooty and perspiring1 in the blazing sun4 ,the dingy1 clumsy1 rough-hewn boats in the utterly clear water through which you could see almost to their keels1 were bathed in that vivid light1 while1 between burning blue above and sparkling blue beneath1 the chanting labourers passed up with full baskets and bent shoulders and down with empty ones and laughter4 ,now and again a fussy launch1 usually with a gay flag fluttering in the breeze of its passage1 chunked or chortled by4 ,across the flow1 a big ,p4 and ,o4 steamer moved slowly into the ,canal1 its crowd of emigrants leaning over the side1 staring1 shouting1 talking4 ,on their own ship1 people were mostly clustered at the gangways chaffering with pedlars1 or dispersed ashore or below4 ,paul himself was back from a visit to ,simon ,artz and carried packages under his arm4 ,there1 ,ursula said1 holding the block out before her4 ,will that do8 ,he did not at once reply4 ,she twisted round a bit and glanced up at him4 ,well8 she queried again4 ,you've hit it absolutely1 he said4 ,but the whole thing says something besides4 ,it says it plainly1 too4 ,it's stupid of me not to be able to put it into words4 ,i shall in a minute4 ,the boys' monotonous chant came steadily up to them1 and a siren shrieked4 ,the ,p4 and ,o4 mail was lost behind a big ,jap steamer1 and from half a dozen ships about them came the sound of striking bells4 ,as the noise of the last of them died away1 ,paul spoke4 ,i know1 he said slowly4 ,you've got the incredible contrast there4 ,naked1 sweating1 tired natives1 working endlessly for a mere trifle at a boring weary job in a living world of light and colour1 and--and being jolly over it4 ,they are jolly4 ,look at that chap's face1 looking up at us4 ,and that one1 chipping his neighbour4 7,he indicated two figures in the sketch47 ,it's just sheer animal spirits4 ,ursula said nothing4 ,paganism1 too1 said ,paul4 ,paganism8 ,yes4 ,it's in the sketch as you've painted it4 ,a fierce vehemently-lived to-day1 and no to-morrow or yesterday4 ,write that4 ,i shall4 ,do you realise ,i've written like blazes since we've been on this stunt8 ,she stared over the side1 hunching herself up a little4 ,i have1 ,paul went on4 ,you've made me4 ,you're a perpetual inspiration1 ,ursula4 ,her body relaxed1 and she laughed a little1 happily4 ,the next book1 please1 she said4 ',to ,ursula3 ,an ,inspiration4' ,he moved forward a pace or two1 and leaned over the rail1 looking out and over the gimcrack shore buildings with their staring1 blatant1 ugly modernity4 ,it's all very well1 he said1 for you to take it lightly1 but it happens to be so amazingly true4 ,i'm always seeing things with you4 ,ursula studied his shoulders in her silent way for a minute or two4 ,then she got up4 ,i've to wash for luncheon1 ,paul1 she said1 as she moved away1 and don't forget we go ashore afterwards4 ,he half turned4 ,shall ,i take your things8 ,oh1 no4 ,besides1 you've got your own4 ,coming8 ,five minutes1 he said4 ,i haven't been painting1 you know4 ,left alone1 he looked away again over the town4 ,in the middle distance1 a minaret rose into the hot air4 ,his gaze rested on it1 and the train of thought he had had running through his mind more or less consciously all the morning since he had passed beneath its shadow in the street and stared in through the little entrance to the vestibule that was not screened from view1 re-occurred to him4 ,it concerned their whole journey4 ,they had come overland to ,marseilles1 and had stopped twelve hours in ,paris as ,muriel wanted to do some shopping4 ,leaving the girls1 then1 he had gone up to ,montmartre with the old ecclesiastical interest still keen in his mind1 and thereafter had come down to ,notre ,dame4 ,and in the two churches1 a beginning to the lesson that the voyage seemed to be reading him1 had been made4 ,the great modern church1 with its flaunting colour and electric light and garish decorations1 had been offered first4 ,herein the religious half of twentieth-century ,france placated ,god4 ,at the door1 great lists of names1 business-like1 methodical1 were a perpetual prayer for the dead1 the sick1 specially needy souls1 children1 neophytes of the priesthood and all the other classes of that ,catholic world4 ,under the blown bubble of the dome1 worshippers came and went with eager faith4 ,without1 the great carven figure of the ,sacred ,heart looked out across the city that this new temple was to save4 ,beneath1 ,paris laughed1 and shopped1 and went about its business in the more hidden streets and houses with ,french alacrity4 ,notre ,dame seemed to him an already half-deserted backwater4 ,all the pageantry of the ,middle ,ages--bishop and cardinal1 noble and king1 peasant and soldier--had flowed in and out again through its great sombre austere doors1 here1 where massive pillars and narrow windows shut out the sun4 ,the ancient stone effigy of the ,mother of ,god was blackened and a little disreputable4 ,she still had her candles1 yes2 but official ,france no more bowed before her1 and modern ,france was trying a new supplication up on the hill4 ,ten thousand thousand prayers had been prayed here4 ,as many broken hearts had wept here4 ,cui bono8 ,for without1 the ,seine still slipped lazily by1 and over her bridges passed the crowd that laughed and shopped and went about its business4 ,naples had shown him ,pompeii4 ,it had been an unforgettable day when the three of them trod upon the old chariot-ruts in the gate of the ancient city4 ,the roofless houses1 the winding ways1 the shops and baths and theatres1 had been alive and peopled again in ,paul's imagination4 ,neither the dust nor the tireless sun could daunt him as he toiled with his ultimately protesting companions in and out and up and down4 ,he had seen the patrician roll by in his chariot1 the gladiator boast and drink in the tavern1 the slave girl laugh with her friends at the street corner1 the ,greek merchant jostle his way through the crowd with perspiring porters bearing his merchandise behind him4 ,and then1 in the temple of ,apollo1 he had seen the swaying crowd1 the sacrosanct priest1 the incense1 the offering1 the smiling god4 ,a place of prayer again2 older now2 more ruined2 an ancient outworn faith1 but still the eternal place of prayer from which men had cried to the heavens above for the ,kingdom of ,god on earth4 ,well1 and in the streets of ,pompeii1 ,americans laughed1 and ,cook's tourists bought spurious curiosities1 and ,neapolitan guides went about their business4 ,here1 in ,port ,said1 at the door of the immemorial ,east1 he had seen ,jewish synagogue1 ,mohammedan mosque1 ,koptic chapel1 ,catholic cathedral and ,anglican church4 ,a thousand tongues of prayer1 and all about them ,port ,said3 courtesan1 merchant1 material1 tawdry ,port ,said4 ,british and ,french and ,egyptian2 ,levantine and ,syrian and ,greek2 ,american and ,jew and cosmopolite1 how they went about their business6 ,they all wooed their gods one way and another1 thought ,paul1 all but perhaps ,ursula's nigger boys whose job was the hardest and dirtiest of all1 and who laughed in the sun4 ,and then ,paul laughed1 and went below to luncheon4 ,they left at sunset1 and after dinner1 as in duty bound1 the three of them drew chairs forrard the wind-screen and watched the steady blaze of the white searchlights as the ship's great eyes stared ahead at the narrow waterway1 the steep engineered banks and the flat endless sands4 ,here and there dahabeeyahs1 moored for the night1 stood out for a few minutes with their thin spars black and graceful against that infinite white glare1 and then slipped into the shadows behind4 ,dredging barges loomed monstrous and distorted1 and dropped silently behind4 ,once a lonely ,arab on a camel stood revealed in every detail1 motionless1 on the bank above1 and once a long string of mules passed1 padding through the night4 ,and always there were the stars1 and low down the ,cross that ,paul saw for the first time4 ,the majority of their fellow-passengers stood and chatted for a few minutes and then went below for music or cards4 ,but ,ursula1 ,muriel and ,paul sat on4 ,amazing thing1 said ,muriel at last4 ,i suppose the ,children of ,israel crossed somewhere about here4 ,moses has always seemed to me a slightly humorous person1 but ,i don't think he will again4 ,and to me1 said ,paul reflectively1 he has always seemed immensely impressive4 ,i don't think he will again4 ,ursula laughed quietly4 ,why not8 queried ,muriel aggressively4 ,she and ,paul on the whole got on very well together1 but they nearly always sparred4 ,all this makes the ,exodus so extraordinarily real4 ,one can see it happening4 ,yes1 assented ,paul1 but don't you see1 it makes it also extraordinarily small4 ,good ,lord1 look at those immemorial sands4 ,israelites6 ,why ,egyptians and ,assyrians and ,ethiopians and ,greeks and ,romans and scores more whose names are forgotten have passed here4 ,i was taught that the ,exodus was the central act of the play1 but it's merely an interlude for the shifting of scenery4 ,in the play called ,kismet1 put in ,ursula4 ,muriel1 who was sitting between them1 glanced from one to the other4 ,then she settled herself back in her chair4 ,oh1 go on1 you two1 she said contentedly4 ,i love to hear you4 ,you're both of you making your own lives more than any other two people ,i know1 and you both of you pretend you're not4 ,ursula laughed again4 ,we're marionettes right enough1 she said1 but by some odd chance we're alive1 and we can thoroughly enjoy the play4 ,paul drew a deep breath of content4 ,i wish this bit of it would continue for a very long time1 he said happily4 ,and while the great vessel glided on almost silently with its impression of relentless irresistible purpose1 the three sat silent1 staring at the stars4 ,the ,red ,sea unfolded itself4 ,they saw a dawn in ,port ,suez4 ,paul was first on deck in his pyjamas2 and with but one glance around rushed excitedly down to the cabin that ,muriel and ,ursula shared between them4 ,their door stood on the latch4 ,he thumped on it vigorously4 ,come in1 called ,ursula at once4 ,paul fumbled with the lock and pushed aside the curtain4 ,ursula was sitting up in bed reading1 her hair about her1 her thin silk nightdress exposing her shoulders and neck4 ,in the bunk above1 ,muriel1 on her side1 covered with a sheet1 only half awake1 opened her eyes sleepily4 ,it is odd how moments of understanding come in life1 not to be hurried1 not to be gainsaid4 ,paul ,kestern had travelled with these two for some days now with all their opportunities of intimacy1 and in her own flat he had seen ,ursula ,manning robed for the evening or making a belated breakfast even more revealingly dressed than now4 ,he might1 so to speak1 have known himself in love with her fifty times4 ,but not till this minute did his hand clutch with a sudden nervousness at the nearest thing about him 7which happened to be the curtain71 and his breath catch in his throat4 ,not till this minute did she seem to him utterly desirable for himself alone1 and--for that is the deviltry of love--so supremely lovely that she must be unattainable4 ,or all but unattainable4 ,men dare great adventures with a kind of godlike effrontery4 ,but in nothing are they more godlike that when1 realising the awe and majesty of love1 they conceive deliberately that they may win to it4 ,would they1 though1 if1 more often than not1 the woman did not divine their thought and hold out the sceptre from her throne8 ,that1 at any rate1 is another deviltry4 ,so ,ursula4 ,hullo1 ,paul1 she said1 very unconcerned1 her eyes resting softly on him1 what's up8 ,ship on fire8 ,no1 stammered ,paul1 ,i say1 are you awake8 ,that is1 ,i mean--well1 of course1 ,i see you are6 ,i say1 come on deck4 ,the sunrise is too heavenly for words4 ,it's also hot1 said ,muriel1 sitting up in her bunk and leaning over to look at ,ursula4 ,hullo6 ,good-morning4 ,you reading8 ,paul looked at ,muriel4 ,she1 too1 wore a thin silk nightdress1 but at the sight of her he recovered his assurance4 ,well1 do come up1 both of you1 he said4 ,it's far too good to miss4 ,ursula closed her book and drew her knees up1 preparatory to getting out of the bunk4 ,coming1 she said4 ,paul1 tell the steward we'll have tea on deck4 ,he departed on his errand1 humming to himself with sudden elation4 ,in the passage he ran into ,major ,jardine4 ,on such occasions heretofore as a fourth person had been demanded of necessity1 ,jardine had filled that position1 and had seemed increasingly to relish it4 ,he was in the ,king's ,african ,rifles1 returning from leave to his companies in ,zanzibar4 ,he grinned at ,paul1 but with a certain gloom born of the tropics and the hour4 ,morning1 he said4 ,you're devilish early and musical1 ,kestern4 ,paul laughed4 ,come and see the sunrise1 ,major1 he said4 ,it'll cheer you up4 ,we're having tea on deck4 ,then the other visibly brightened4 ,good1 he cried with alacrity4 ,i'll tub later4 ,shan't be a jiffy4 ,and he disappeared into his cabin to get rid of his impedimenta4 ,on the boat-deck1 then1 the four gathered4 ,muriel dispensed tea1 assisted by the ,major1 and lit cigarettes4 ,ursula and ,paul drew a little apart4 ,she leant a hand on the davits of one of the boats1 and ,paul stood back a little by her side4 ,brown and orange and yellow and burnt brick-red1 the sandstone hills and sandy wastes grew startlingly and swiftly clear as they watched4 ,the new sun rose over the desert1 over the rocky hills1 a great golden orb1 instantly alive4 ,magically the shadows drew off the sea or faded in its depths2 the blue of it lightened1 grew transparently clear1 translucent4 ,look1 said ,ursula1 in a half whisper1 and pointed down4 ,paul took a step forward1 and peered where she indicated4 ,in the still water a great shark followed by a small replica of itself moved lazily through the watery world about it4 ,its gentle sinuous movements were scarcely noticeable2 it glided by undisturbed with just fanning tail4 ,slate-grey1 mottled with black1 it was so near the surface that one could fancy one saw its wicked little eye inspecting the silent monster of the ship lying there at its ease so invulnerable and great4 ,it's gone1 said ,paul4 ,my first shark6 ,even it was beautiful1 ,ursula4 ,but that faery town1 said the girl softly1 who had raised her eyes from the sea4 ,white and picturesque1 with the green of palms flecked here and there upon it1 ,port ,suez sparkled in the now risen sun4 ,with its tumbled flat-roofed houses1 its occasional minaret1 its fringe of gardens1 it was a painted thing1 a bit of the veritable ,east1 for all the heat and dust and smells and commonplaceness of day in its streets4 ,paul stood motionless by her side1 gazing4 ,do you suppose we can go ashore8 he asked at length4 ,no4 ,she shook her head4 ,nobody ever seems to here4 ,besides you'd much better not1 ,paul4 ,i'd love to4 ,i know what you're going to say1 but ,i don't believe it4 ,i like dirt and smells4 ,they're just as mysterious and magical as colour and scent4 ,rubbish1 said ,muriel1 who had come up behind them4 ,eh1 ,major8 ,gad1 yes4 ,poet or not1 ,kestern1 you wouldn't like ,port ,suez4 ,ursula glanced at them4 ,for all that1 ,paul's right1 she said4 ,and she smiled at him4 ,a sort of fierce flame leapt in ,paul at that4 ,he had hard work to control himself4 ,the hid passion of his nature was asserting itself4 ,he threw his head back and laughed4 ,then he caught ,ursula by the hand4 ,oh1 come on6 he cried4 ,ursula1 ,i'll race you round the deck4 ,can't1 she said laughing1 in a nightie4 ,but ,i might manage to walk4 ,she slipped her hand into his arm1 and they strolled off4 ,for the moment it was enough for ,paul that they two walked together4 ,that morning's sun1 as it set at last over ,egypt1 lit up the peninsula of ,sinai with fierce red flames4 ,the hot day had drawn slowly out1 and most people were in deck chairs1 with their books on their laps as the sun went down4 ,even the ,major had been reading1 a novel by ,mr4 ,charles ,garvice4 ,earlier on1 the three had merrily attacked him for his choice1 and he had stoutly defended himself4 ,that's all very well1 he said1 but the sort of stuff they put in novels these days1 beats me4 ,i don't want to read a bally sermon--can't understand it either--and half the rest a fellow's ashamed to read in ladies' company4 ,now this chap1 what's his name8 7he looked back to the cover--,never can remember authors' names7--,garvice1 you always know what you've got with him4 ,milk and honey1 said ,muriel in her abrupt way1 staring out over the peninsula in the direction of the ,promised ,land4 ,eh8 queried the ,major1 hopelessly at sea4 ,muriel laughed4 ,yes1 and there are the ,ten ,commandments1 she said1 over there4 ,jardine still looked puzzled4 ,he liked ,muriel1 against his will as it were4 ,ursula1 he told ,paul1 was so damned quiet1 but ,muriel said things a feller couldn't understand4 ,odd pair4 ,pretty though4 ,and deuced attractive4 ,what did ,kestern think8 ,so now4 ,that's where you get me1 he said4 ,but1 ,i say1 what about a sundowner8 ,coming1 ,kestern8 ,paul rose4 ,ursula looked up4 ,bring two more and come back1 she said lazily4 ,right1 ,miss ,manning4 ,you and ,miss ,lister can discuss the ,commandments for five minutes exactly4 ,then you must forget them4 ,but there's nothing about sundowners in the ,decalogue1 ,major1 said ,paul gaily1 as he moved off4 ,or ,i shouldn't---- ,they went out of hearing4 ,muriel glanced at her companion4 ,it's odd1 she said4 ,paul's lost sight of ,god1 but he still thinks he can keep morality4 ,ursula fixed her gaze on the darkening mountains4 ,i don't agree1 my dear1 she said4 ,how8 ,he's not so much lost sight of ,god4 ,he's seeing ,him truly at last4 ,muriel considered this4 ,you mean ,his veil of beauty that you're so fond of talking about1 and painting1 she said4 ,well1 perhaps4444 ,but still he thinks he keeps orthodox morality4 ,he simply hasn't thought of that1 said ,ursula4 ,muriel found a marker and shut her book4 ,her motions suggested that she was about to open a conversation1 but she did not speak at once1 though she put her book down and stretched herself out in her chair4 ,but at last she spoke deliberately4 ,dear1 she said1 ,i know what you think about all that4444 ,now ,paul's in love with you1 whether he knows it or whether he doesn't4 7,a little pause47 ,you know it anyway4 ,also you're high priestess of his new religion4 ,she stopped4 ,she seemed to think the other would say something1 but that was not ,ursula's way4 ,not for the first time1 despite their friendship1 ,muriel found it irritating4 ,look here1 ,ursula1 she said1 sitting up1 what's going to happen when he does begin to think about morality8 ,a look grew in ,ursula's face4 ,her friend studied her intently4 ,i say1 ,ursie1 she said1 but in a changed softened tone1 it's playing with fire4 ,paul's not quite an ordinary man4 ,ursula made no direct reply4 ,but the other understood her4 ,he's like a person who has glimpsed ,paradise through the bars1 she said4 ,yes8 queried ,muriel4 ,the gate's open1 said ,ursula simply1 as the men came back4 7#b7 ,but ,paul was to fulfil ,muriel's prediction sooner than she expected4 ,the little ,gaika meandered in her slow and steady way down the ,red ,sea4 ,at the close of a sweltering day1 she drew into ,port ,sudan1 and it was at ,port ,sudan that ,paul ,kestern began first to think about morality in the light of his opened eyes4 ,it happened this way4 ,the three were sitting over coffee in the saloon when the ,major1 who had finished earlier and had gone up on deck1 re-entered and crossed over to them4 ,i say1 he said1 the skipper says we shall be here all night and can go ashore if we like4 ,you three care to come8 ,by ,jove1 yes1 cried ,paul excitedly1 jumping up4 ,it's a dull place1 you know1 said the ,major1 as if it were his duty to apologise for it4 ,a wharf1 a railway station and sand1 mostly4 ,but it's rather interestin'4 ,it's going to be the main port for ,khartoum and ,upper ,egypt one day4 ,is there nothing else to see but sand1 ,major8 queried ,muriel1 smiling4 ,oh1 there are some native stores1 ,miss ,lister1 and an hotel where we can get a drink4 ,and it will be cool on shore in the night air4 ,that settles it1 said the girl4 ,coming1 ,ursie8 ,rather1 said ,ursula4 ,hurrah1 cried ,paul4 ,shall ,i get your scarves8 ,it was necessary to row across the harbour in a native boat4 ,the men handed the girls in and sat beside them on the rough seats4 ,a boy in a red fez1 with his shirt hanging loose over his cotton drawers1 who was to act as guide1 directed operations4 ,two grinning negroes1 their muscles knotted beneath their flimsy vests1 drove the boat over the dark waters with long sweeps of oars4 ,there was no moon1 but the stars gave a soft light4 ,and as the blunt prow cut the sea1 a thousand molten ripples broke in little waves left and right1 silver streamers melted into the darkness on either side1 while the blades of the oars turned up liquid fire4 ,every little drop that fell from them was a diamond of light4 ,as they looked over the side1 gleaming flights of living silver gems of fish fled before their approach4 ,over the black waters ahead1 shone a yellow flicker or two from lanterns on the quay4 ,they landed1 laughing and joking1 and found themselves on a roadway that was1 as the ,major had said1 all sand1 except for granite curbstones that ran ahead into the night and marked its course4 ,now and again1 a board announced the site of a church or hotel2 and at a cross-road in the waste1 building operations had been begun for a big shop1 a theatre and a restaurant4 ,piccadilly ,circus here1 said ,jardine1 all in good time6 ,which way now8 laughed ,muriel4 ,down towards those lights4 ,there are makeshift stores there1 and the native quarter4 ,i expect we might find a native caf and music hall going strong4 ,what fun1 said ,ursula4 ,lead on1 ,major4 ,their guide jabbered in ,swahili and ,jardine interpreted4 ,he says there's a theatre1 he said smiling1 if the ladies care to see it4 ,a theatre6 ejaculated ,paul4 ,heavens above6 ,what in the world do they show here8 ,there'll be a cinematograph1 said the ,major judicially1 and a band1 and dances1 and songs screeched loud enough to drown even the band4 ,we might look in4 ,if it's a bit too much for the ladies1 we can leave4 ,as if in ready answer1 the sound of a chorus was borne on the night air to them4 ,the party stood still and stared at each other4 ,then they broke into mutual laughter4 ,there was no mistaking it3 ,africa was singing in what it called ,english3 ,i'm a bro-ken doll4 ,come on1 come on1 cried ,paul1 recovering himself4 ,we shall miss half the fun4 ,oh1 no1 we shan't1 said ,jardine4 ,take it easy1 for goodness' sake4 ,they'll keep it up till morning1 especially as there's a ship in4 ,as they approached1 the glares and shadowy buildings ahead resolved themselves into more recognisable objects4 ,they stopped at length on the edge of a crowd that was sitting at trestle tables in a half-light that faded into the dark night around4 ,everyone was looking towards a big ramshackle building that held out an open-air stage4 ,kerosine flares and oil lamps illuminated it4 ,a band1 in tattered crimson tunics1 blared and beat below1 but rather out of the way to the right to permit of the artistes descending into the auditorium1 and on it1 at the moment1 a stout dark-haired ,greek woman was singing4 ,her voice reached them only at intervals1 for1 harsh and loud and discordant as it was1 the band beat it most of the time4 ,suddenly1 with a gesture1 she commanded the chorus4 ,the audience took it up4 ,ragged ,africans--,sudanese1 ,fellahin1 ,swahilis2 ,indians1 and half-castes2 frowsy ,greeks and ,levantines2 and a sprinkling of white-ducked1 more respectable looking1 but distinctly dark ,europeans2 they all sang1 shouted1 beat time4 ,it was obviously a popular item4 ,ursula laughed heartily4 ,oh1 she cried1 how priceless6 ,can't we go nearer the stage and sit down1 ,major8 ,jardine looked doubtful4 ,oh1 ,i don't know1 he said4 ,but the guide had caught some of the ,english words4 ,seet down8 he queried4 ,yas1 sar4 ,plenty room up there4 ,missy1 come thees way4 ,right1 said ,ursula1 smiling4 ,lead on1 ,jacob4 ,the boy showed all his white teeth4 ,me ,abdullah1 mees1 he said4 ,you follow me4 ,for goodness' sake1 keep to the other side of the band1 urged ,muriel4 ,the boy leading1 the girls following1 the ,major and ,paul were bound to go4 ,paul was eager enough4 ,jardine was less ready1 and1 with some knowledge1 more apprehensive4 ,good ,god1 ,kestern1 he said1 this is more than ,i bargained for4 ,you never know what you're in for here4 ,it was impossible1 however1 to draw back easily now4 ,the proprietor himself1 an oiled smiling ,syrian in evening dress1 had come forward4 ,with a magnificent gesture1 he indicated a small table for four on the left1 and waved ,abdullah into the surrounding blackness4 ,jardine nodded to some ship's officers at a little distance1 and seemed more relieved when he saw a sprinkling of women about them and even a group of ladies from the ship on the edge of the shadows4 ,but they were too noticeably prominent for his liking4 ,it was too late to move1 however1 and he bowed to the inevitable1 giving orders for drinks to the ,indian waiter1 but with audible misgivings over that4 ,i'll order wine1 he said4 ,we can see that the cork hasn't been tampered with1 and that's less likely to poison you than anything else4 ,you're mighty cheerful1 ,major1 laughed ,muriel4 ,well1 ,miss ,lister1 we're in for it now1 anyway4 ,don't blame me4 ,i wouldn't have missed it for the world1 put in ,paul enthusiastically4 ,by ,jove1 ,ursula1 just look at that band6 ,did you ever see anything more comic in your life8 ,paul shortly forgot the stage1 or nearly so4 ,it was the audience that interested him1 and the great glow of light that lost itself in the black desert about and shone on strange ,eastern faces that came and went on the shadow-line of its edge4 ,it was unusual1 too1 to sit with that fantastic noise in one's ears and yet to be able to look out to the silence yonder under the serene stars4 ,there were two semi-,european women at a table near1 also1 to whom his eyes constantly if surreptitiously returned4 ,fat1 bulging1 in tawdry lace and imitation jewels1 they were nevertheless smiling1 gay1 human1 he thought1 and one of them kept a motherly eye on a child of seven or eight in a sailor suit who would wander from her side4 ,he leant forward to draw ,ursula's attention to them4 ,and then he saw that her eyes were fixed on the stage4 ,into the garish light1 heralded with clashing cymbals1 advanced three ,african girls with elaborately dressed woolly hair1 thick rouged lips1 bright laughing eyes4 ,their legs and feet were bare4 ,short coloured skirts reached only to the knee1 and scarcely to that4 ,above the waist they wore only tiny bodices of vivid colour1 red and yellow1 which were bound tightly across breasts firmly outlined beneath them4 ,gaudy necklaces of beads and coins sparkled around their necks1 and a host of jingling bangles decorated their bare arms4 ,each carried a tambourine1 and to the accompaniment of native drums1 they postured and danced4 ,it was no more than a danse du ventre1 but it was at least a new experience for ,paul4 ,a tense stillness settled gradually down on the audience1 it seemed to him4 ,the edge of the broken irregular circle of light filled up with faces1 a grey and black wall of them1 a fence of gleaming staring eyes4 ,the drums beat in a wild rhythm1 and shrill native pipes broke in4 ,wilder and wilder grew the dance4 ,the protuberant posturings1 the voluptuous writhings of which he hardly guessed the meaning1 the extraordinary wheelings in swift steps during which the three performers shook their heavy buttocks brazenly at the gazing crowd1 glancing over their shoulders the while1 were abandoned for more reckless tossing of arms and legs1 more shrill1 more cacophonous music4 ,paul grew white4 ,the ,major leaned over towards the ladies4 ,er--er1 he stammered1 red-faced4 ,i think perhaps it's getting late4 ,hadn't we better be going8 ,certainly1 said ,muriel1 getting up at once4 ,paul followed suit4 ,wait till this is over1 said ,ursula1 coolly4 ,you can't leave in the middle of a turn4 ,paul moistened his lips4 ,and then1 from the wings1 into the blaze and noise1 danced a swift figure4 ,the girl was perhaps an ,abyssinian with maybe ,french blood in her veins2--she was known at any rate to the crowd who cheered as one man and shouted her name4 ,regularly featured1 superbly framed1 her raven-black hair flowed loose about her1 crowned with a scarlet flower4 ,her skirt was diaphanous and spangled2 a sort of loose white scarf was held by a clasp between her breasts but floated in a cloud around her as she moved4 ,her shapely back bare1 her curved and lithesome body firm1 her twinkling little feet light1 her colour too was at any rate white by comparison with the previous performers4 ,the barbaric clamour of music died down4 ,the three negro girls collapsed on one side4 ,the audience subsided with tense expectancy4 ,she danced in silence and alone4 ,she utterly held her audience4 ,born of mixed parentage1 better not named1 where1 how1 ,god knows1 probably she was dirty1 certainly she was as coarse1 as savage1 as animal1 as she well could be4 ,but she held her audience4 ,she weaved a spell of romance1 of poetry1 of magic1 there1 in those garish lights and in that rough rude place4 ,she was incarnate grace1 and she was lovely1 say what you would4 ,entreating1 forbidding1 abandoning1 desiring1 she was wild pagan love4 ,the negresses1 too1 had danced a passion that had grown old1 very1 very old1 a forced1 a thought-out thing2 she danced passion1 but the passion of the ,song of ,songs1 of ,dionysus young in ,attic fields1 of youth itself4 ,and as she finished1 she disengaged her flower with a swift movement from her hair1 and tossed it to--,paul4 ,he caught it instinctively4 ,and then he realised that he had caught it4 ,he held it in his fingers1 felt its stem firm between them1 and knew that he was himself and awake4 ,he realised that he had been standing and that the four of them were in a prominent position4 ,he realised1 too1 that he had been charmed against his will1 caught away1 and that his face had shown it2 that she had seen it2 that she had1 in her wanton way1 chosen him4444 ,he uttered an exclamation and dropped the bloom4 ,for ,god's sake1 let's get out1 said ,jardine1 somewhere4 ,lights swam before ,paul4 ,he heard dimly a burst of cheering1 voices speaking in a moment of less noise1 a little laughter1 then more cheers4 ,he stumbled among chairs4 ,perspiration stood on him so that he fumbled for his handkerchief to wipe his face4 ,his brain cleared a little in doing so4 ,he saw a bloated face that leered up from a table and realised that the man was speaking to him4 ,with his hasty gesture of refusal1 his brain cleared a little more1 and he began to understand4 ,he began to understand1 above all1 how and why he had liked the dance4 ,they were outside an infinity later and walking through the cool night4 ,he glanced down1 still rather stupidly1 feeling his feet on sand1 and saw that his shoes were covered with it1 and the black turned-up ankles of his evening trousers4 ,looking ahead1 he saw ,jardine was on in front with ,muriel4 ,he turned his head to steal a glance at ,ursula1 and cried out on the instant4 ,ursula6 ,you're wearing it6 ,why not8 ,you dropped it rather rudely4 ,he marvelled at her level voice4 ,she was perfectly cool1 he noticed1 looking straight ahead in her direct way as they walked4 ,and the flower was a trumpet-shaped hibiscus that burned in the opening of her evening frock even against the white skin of her neck4 ,he suddenly understood his confused memories4 ,they had laughed at him1 and cheered her when she had picked it up4 ,give it me1 ,ursula6 he cried4 ,throw it away6 ,you can't wear it6 ,why ever not8 ,well1 she 444 ,that girl6 ,then1 swiftly1 with a kind of brazen anger3 ,she was practically naked6 ,yes4 ,she had one of the most lovely bodies ,i've ever seen4 ,ursula turned her head and looked up at him with a faint twinkle of amusement in her eyes4 ,but--but---- ,paul stammered for words4 ,yet even so1 the girl by his side1 with her serene smile1 began to master his excitement by her mere cool presence4 ,but1 ,ursula1 it was a disgraceful thing4 ,oh8 ,you didn't seem to think so while you watched4 ,personally1 ,i thought it was wonderfully beautiful4 ,but in that place6 ,exactly4 ,like a fresh flower on a dust-heap4 ,naturally ,i picked up her gift4 ,but you can't justify it1 he protested in bewilderment that grew with every sentence4 ,it was grossly immoral4 ,immoral8 ,yes4 ,you know it4 ,paul was emphatic4 ,what was immoral then8 ,the flower8 ,the dust-heap8 ,the girl's body8 ,the dance8 ,ugly or beautiful1 perhaps1 but immoral8 ,what do you mean8 ,well1 it appealed to the worst passions in everyone1 to the animal in us1 in--in me4 ,it appealed to you sensually no doubt4 ,your mind1 informed by your senses1 appreciated the animal grace and beauty4 ,why not8 ,are animals immoral8 ,that was a girl though1 a human being1 a--a---- ,and isn't a girl an animal8 ,are you and ,i not animals8 ,we've souls anyway4 ,are you so sure animals haven't souls8 ,how do you know8 ,what is a soul1 ,paul8 ,a soul8 queried ,paul4 ,well444 7,he stumbled desperately47 ,the immortal part of us1 the home of the spirit1 a bit of ,god4 ,god8 ,her tone instantly arrested him4 ,there1 in the night1 picking their way down the road-to-be over the sand of the desert1 the blare of the music behind them in the distance1 he was arrested again4 ,he was quick enough to see it with the swiftness of thought4 ,god6 ,everything came back to ,god4 ,and where was ,god8 ,and if there was no ,god1 where was morality8 ,ursula put her hand on his arm4 ,it was rather like ,chanctonbury all over again1 he thought instantly1 and smiled involuntarily at the thought4 ,here1 in ,egypt1 in the whirl of new experience1 her touch on his arm brought back the song of the lark and the vision of the ,english sun on the fields and woods round ,steyning4 ,and she knew it4 ,you old dear1 she said4 ,what about the beggar's clay8 ,is clay magical in plants and flowers1 and sinful in human bodies8 ,but that sort of thing outrages the moral law1 he objected1 soberly4 ,she laughed a very little4 ,has ,god spoken ,his laws so clearly1 ,paul8 she said4 ,i thought you had come to the conclusion that ,he was rather silent4 ,but there must be a moral law6 ,why1 good heavens444 ,then where is the moral ,lawgiver8 she demanded1 instantly4 ,where is the moral ,lawgiver8 ,where6 ,the word echoed in his consciousness1 and he knew that he had no answer4 ,tramping over the sand1 tramping through the night1 he saw to what he had come1 or thought he saw4 ,thus soon was ,muriel answered4 ,ursula laughed a little again4 ,poor old ,paul1 she said4 ,look here1 dear1 the girl gave us the best she had to give1 and what she gave had real beauty4 ,isn't that enough for you and me8 ,he made no answer1 and they walked a little further in silence4 ,then her hand on his arm tightened4 ,doesn't the blind beggar see8 she queried1 smiling up at him in the dark4 ,i'm not quite sure1 ,ursula1 he said4 ,there is clay that has not touched his eyes then1 she replied gently4 ,paul caught her hand4 ,a glimmer of her meaning danced before him1 but as a whole it still eluded him as yet4 ,it eluded him1 but there was something in her voice that made his blood run swift and hot as it had but just now in the caf chantant4 ,ursula1 darling1 he whispered4 ,she checked him4 ,you see1 ,paul1 she said gently1 you were angry not because she was probably half a slave1 or ill-treated1 or ignorant1 or as like as not solely out for your money4 ,you didn't think of those things4 ,no1 you were angry because she was naked4 ,that was beastly1 immoral--that being what she was she gloried in her body and her grace4 ,well1 it was not beastly to me1 especially in her4 ,what else had she to glory in8 ,why should she not have gloried in her body8 ,is a beautiful body beastly8 ,she danced natural passion--is natural passion immoral8 ,i cannot follow your theology4 ,she was lovely and she gave us her best1 and--well1 ,i was glad to be able to thank her for it4 ,paul's grip tightened on her hand4 ,why1 ,ursula1 he said huskily1 it was ,i who was beastly1 priggish---- ,she shrugged her shoulders4 ,then she laughed lightly4 ,let that pass1 she said4 ,will you wear your flower now8 ,give it me1 cried ,paul4 ,she peered up at him4 ,then she loosened her hand and took the bloom from her dress4 ,here it is1 she said1 presenting it4 ,he held it in his fingers a moment or two1 studying its fresh loveliness in the dim starlight4 ,its faint scent came to his nostrils4 ,she stood smiling and looking at him4 ,he looked up suddenly4 ,may ,i drop it in the sea as we row back8 he asked4 ,she read in his eyes what he meant1 and if he had not been quite so blind and stupid and seeming rich he would have read in hers that the gate of ,paradise stood open before him1 as she had said to ,muriel4 ,but she saw that he had not read that yet1 and if she was not quite content1 she was at least very wise4 ,because the sea is cool and lovely8 she asked4 ,and forgiving1 he said4 ,she nodded1 understanding4 7#c7 ,paul told himself as he went to sleep that he would ask ,ursula to marry him in the morning4 ,but he did not4 ,he may have been at one time a budding evangelist and he was certainly now a poet1 but he was still the son of ,claxted1 and he found it hard to escape from all that that meant4 ,he had ideas as to proposals1 and this was a serious proposal of marriage4 ,he waited his chance1 then2 and missed a good many through waiting to be quite sure that the right moment had indeed come4 ,thus and thus is it ever likely to be1 even when we sleepers awake1 and all roads lead to ,nowhere4 ,but in ,zanzibar he had his way4 ,aden came and went1 and ,kilindini1 and that first walking through tropical bush to the old fort by the sea that has dreamed so many hundred years away since the remnant of its ,portuguese garrison was crucified on its walls4 ,not even in ,mombasa1 sitting on the shore at the entrance of the river1 did he speak1 for there is a golf links of sorts hard by and the ,major and ,muriel were going round4 ,even more wonderfully1 not even that night at sea did he speak1 though the surface was like a sheet of polished dark glass that now and again shivered into an untellable pool of liquid silver as a school of flying fish shattered its quietude into phosphorescent fire4 ,yet1 possibly1 his silence then was not so wonderful after all4 ,it was such a night of wonder that he could hardly speak at all1 even although he thought himself in love4 ,zanzibar1 however1 sufficed4 ,here they were to leave the ,major1 and here1 naturally1 he showed them round before they sailed4 ,he had a bungalow out past ,mnazi ,mmoja1 before the barracks1 overlooking the sea1 and his car met him at the landing-stage4 ,so they were driven slowly past the front of the ,sultan's palace and through the native town to the tidal creek that washes the base of ,livingstone's house twice a day2 up the creek road then1 past the ,english ,cathedral with its tall thin spire rising above what was once the whipping-post of the slave market1 rising out of a sea of scarlet-flowering flamboyants that surround it and were in full bloom to greet them2 up the road that skirts the ,english ,games ,club2 past the ,german ,club2 past the cemetery where waxen frangipanni and purple bougainvillaea shed their blossoms the perpetual summer4 ,down a private way to the right now1 and there1 on a grassy knoll fronting the sea-beach1 a grove of palms behind1 the still strait across which lay the hills of ,africa in a haze before1 stood ,major ,jardine's bungalow4 ,they had but the day and the evening1 and the ,major suggested a run across the island to the beach at ,chuaka where the surf of the ,indian ,ocean beats all day and a cool wind blows even in the hot season4 ,zanzibar1 he said1 was but a bigger ,mombasa so far as the native town went1 but nowhere else on the coast would you find tangle of banana and orange and lime and coconut and mango and almond and areca and date1 with here and there a grove of cassuarinas or cloves1 to match this4 ,he was right4 ,they skirted the banks of low swampy rivers lovely with blue water-lilies and reeds and scarlet dragon-flies2 ran through plantations of grey austere coconut trees through which the sunlight trickled down on to thin sparse olive grass2 left clusters of brown huts set in small patches of delicately-leaved red-stemmed muhoga2 climbed the two hundred feet of the ,liliputian hill of coral that makes the backbone of the island2 came out on to that plain at its summit where ,english bracken grows and a sweet yellow shrub that might1 at a distance1 be ,english gorse2 and descended at last through groves of orange trees1 the fruit scattered in lavish profusion on the very road1 to the collector's house at ,chuaka4 ,he was a polite ,goanese1 and he made them tea1 serving them himself on his barazza which was hung out from the first floor over the very beach beneath1 where the white coral sand glistened in the sun and the surf beat in perpetually4 ,thereafter they strolled off1 theoretically to look for shells1 though no one did much looking3 ,jardine because he did not care for shells2 ,muriel because1 after her kind1 she wanted honestly to reach a distant point and see what lay beyond2 ,ursula because she was utterly entranced by the stretch of the foreshore1 with the riot of vegetation ever invading the sands and ever1 in its outposts of mangrove1 the very sea itself2 and ,paul because he was beginning to realise that he cared about collecting nothing except ,ursula4 ,muriel and the ,major were thus soon out of sight4 ,ursula and ,paul1 having wasted half an hour watching the antics of a naked kiddie in a miniature outrigger canoe which he finally ran ashore with consummate ease and made fast with the skill of an ancient mariner1 found a great mass of coral rock which overhung a pool that was one enchanted garden of colour and life4 ,they both waded in till ,ursula had her skirts high above her knees1 and ,paul's uprolled trousers showed a good couple of inches of soaked territory4 ,look6 she cried4 ,paul1 do you see that sea-urchin8 ,look6 ,in there4 ,oh1 my dear1 do you see its spines8 ,satiny brown1 spotted with blue and red4 ,could you get it8 ,if ,i die in the attempt1 said ,paul manfully1 giving a fresh tug to his trousers and moving cautiously forward4 ,here was promise of the ,claxted vivarium at last6 ,good lord1 this coral1 he groaned4 ,why don't some of the blighters who write about ,african seas say coral is as sharp as--ugh6--needles6 ,he reached forward at length and plunged his arm deep into the pool4 ,oh1 go on1 laughed ,ursula1 another inch4444 ,your trousers don't matter4 ,that's it4444 ,got it8 ,damn6 cried ,paul4 ,oh1 ,i say ,i'm sorry1 but those spines are sharp4 ,lor1 ,i'm soaked4 ,but there1 just look at him4 ,look at him trying to walk on my hand4 ,come on out1 and let's put him in shallow water and watch him move4 ,they bent together over the lovely thing and watched it walk slowly but purposefully away4 ,and while they stood there1 motionless1 barefoot1 side by side on the sand in some six inches or so of the warm water1 a fleet of tiny sky-blue fish invaded the shallows4 ,ursula caught ,paul's hand1 and there they stood1 hardly daring to breathe1 while the little living fragments of sapphire poked their tiny noses about their toes4 ,then1 suddenly1 ,paul laughed tempestuously1 and they fled4 ,oh1 you rotter1 cried ,ursula1 smiling at him4 ,they'll never come again4 ,i couldn't help it1 said ,paul a little ruefully1 stooping to rub his foot4 ,that fellow was actually bedding down between my foot and yours1 and he tickled so4 ,well1 anyway1 we've got to put on shoes and stockings now4 ,it'll be sunset in next to no time4 ,paul1 did you ever imagine anything quite as lovely as all this8 ,paul stood1 and let his gaze wander around4 ,there was not a soul to be seen in the curve of the bay in which they were4 ,a little way off1 the outrigger1 rough-hewn and brown1 lay on its side4 ,king crabs were beginning to emerge from their holes in the sand and stand on their spidery legs and survey the evening world from their castles of eyes4 ,far out at sea feathery pink clouds were floating down to a barred horizon of emerald and gold4 ,all around and about them a soft light glowed from which the fierce vividness of the day had died away4 ,he turned and put his arm in hers4 ,let's sit in the outrigger and put on our things1 he said4 ,they sat side by side1 and ,paul was aware again1 as he had been lately1 of the girl's loveliness4 ,unconcerned1 gaily1 she towelled her feet on his handkerchief1 drew on her stockings1 fastened them1 smoothed down her skirt4 ,she finished before him1 since she had dried first1 and sat waiting for a second or two1 her face resting on her hands1 her eyes on the ever-deepening sunset colours4 ,he too finished1 and followed her gaze seawards4 ,then3 ,do you want anything more than that8 she asked softly4 ,and at her question ,paul understood quite suddenly4 ,absurdly enough1 knowledge came to him just then1 like a revelation4 ,there was no apparent reason why it should not have come before1 and he did not move for a little pondering his dulness and the surpassing wonder of things4 ,for this awakening was not a bit as he had imagined such things would be4 ,he was not excited or passionate1 not now at any rate4 ,he wanted indeed to touch her1 but tenderly1 he could scarcely tell himself how tenderly4 ,he put his arm gently about her waist4 ,yes1 ,ursula1 you1 you1 he whispered4 ,she turned with a swift movement and faced him4 ,i6 she cried1 her eyes alight1 ,i6 ,then1 for ,paul ,kestern and ,ursula ,manning1 for both of them1 the kingdoms of this world and the glory of them passed away1 and there was vision of a new heaven and a new earth4 ,after a little1 ,paul disengaged himself from her arms4 ,there was an odd expression of wonder written on his face1 very plain to see4 ,ursula tried to read it1 but was puzzled4 ,what is it1 ,paul darling8 she whispered4 ,why1 he said slowly1 do you know what ,i was thinking8 ,all my years of worry and doubt1 all that talk about religion---- ,he broke off4 ,yes8 ,he hesitated4 ,then he laughed merrily like a child and flung his arms about her again1 eagerly1 boisterously4 ,of course1 he managed to say at last1 it was all awfully important4 ,really1 truly1 ,ursula4 ,printed in ,great ,britain by ,billing and ,sons1 ,limited1 ,guildford and ,esher4