,,the ,,gates ,,ajar4 ,,by ,,elizabeth ,,stuart ,,phelps4 8,splendor6 ,immensity6 ,eternity6 ,grand words6 ,great things6 ,a little definite happiness would be more to the purpose40 ,,madame ,,de ,,gasparin ,,boston3 ,,james ,r4 ,,osgood ,,and ,,company1 ,,late ,,ticknor ,,fields1 ,,and ,,fields1 ,,osgood1 ,,co4 #ahgc4 ,entered according to ,act of ,congress1 in the year #ahfh1 by ,,fields1 ,,osgood1 ,,co41 ,in the ,clerk's ,office of the ,district ,court of the ,district of ,massachusetts4 ,,university ,,press3 ,,welch1 ,,bigelow1 ,,co41 ,,cambridge4 ,to my father1 whose life1 like a perfume from beyond the ,gates1 penetrates every life which approaches it1 the readers of this little book will owe whatever pleasant thing they may find within its pages4 ,e4 ,s4 ,p4 ,,andover1 ,october #bb1 #ahfh4 ,,the ,,gates ,,ajar4 ,i4 ,one week2 only one week to-day1 this twenty-first of ,february4 ,i have been sitting here in the dark and thinking about it1 till it seems so horribly long and so horribly short2 it has been such a week to live through1 and it is such a small part of the weeks that must be lived through1 that ,i could think no longer1 but lighted my lamp and opened my desk to find something to do4 ,i was tossing my paper about1--only my own3 the packages in the yellow envelopes ,i have not been quite brave enough to open yet1--when ,i came across this poor little book in which ,i used to keep memoranda of the weather1 and my lovers1 when ,i was a school-girl4 ,i turned the leaves1 smiling to see how many blank pages were left1 and took up my pen1 and now ,i am not smiling any more4 ,if it had not come exactly as it did1 it seems to me as if ,i could bear it better4 ,they tell me that it should not have been such a shock4 8,your brother had been in the army so long that you should have been prepared for anything4 ,everybody knows by what a hair a soldier's life is always hanging10 and a great deal more that ,i am afraid ,i have not listened to4 ,i suppose it is all true2 but that never makes it any easier4 ,the house feels like a prison4 ,i walk up and down and wonder that ,i ever called it home4 ,something is the matter with the sunsets2 they come and go1 and ,i do not notice them4 ,something ails the voices of the children1 snowballing down the street2 all the music has gone out of them1 and they hurt me like knives4 ,the harmless1 happy children6--and ,roy loved the little children4 ,why1 it seems to me as if the world were spinning around in the light and wind and laughter1 and ,god just stretched down ,his hand one morning and put it out4 ,it was such a dear1 pleasant world to be put out6 ,it was never dearer or more pleasant than it was on that morning4 ,i had not been as happy for weeks4 ,i came up from the ,post-,office singing to myself4 ,his letter was so bright and full of mischief6 ,i had not had one like it all the winter4 ,i have laid it away by itself1 filled with his jokes and pet names1 8,mamie0 or 8,queen ,mamie0 every other line1 and signed 8,until next time1 your happy ,,roy40 ,i wonder if all brothers and sisters keep up the baby-names as we did4 ,i wonder if ,i shall ever become used to living without them4 ,i read the letter over a great many times1 and stopped to tell ,mrs4 ,bland the news in it1 and wondered what had kept it so long on the way1 and wondered if it could be true that he would have a furlough in ,may4 ,it seemed too good to be true4 ,if ,i had been fourteen instead of twenty-four1 ,i should have jumped up and down and clapped my hands there in the street4 ,the sky was so bright that ,i could scarcely turn up my eyes to look at it4 ,the sunshine was shivered into little lances all over the glaring white crust4 ,there was a snow-bird chirping and pecking on the maple-tree as ,i came in4 ,i went up and opened my window2 sat down by it and drew a long breath1 and began to count the days till ,may4 ,i must have sat there as much as half an hour4 ,i was so happy counting the days that ,i did not hear the front gate1 and when ,i looked down a man stood there1--a great1 rough man1--who shouted up that he was in a hurry1 and wanted seventy-five cents for a telegram that he had brought over from ,east ,homer4 ,i believe ,i went down and paid him1 sent him away1 came up here and locked the door before ,i read it4 ,phbe found me here at dinner-time4 ,if ,i could have gone to him1 could have busied myself with packing and journeying1 could have been forced to think and plan1 could have had the shadow of a hope of one more look1 one word1 ,i suppose ,i should have taken it differently4 ,those two words--8,shot dead0--shut me up and walled me in1 as ,i think people must feel shut up and walled in1 in ,hell4 ,i write the words most solemnly1 for ,i know that there has been ,hell in my heart4 ,it is all over now4 ,he came back1 and they brought him up the steps1 and ,i listened to their feet1--so many feet2 he used to come bounding in4 ,they let me see him for a minute1 and there was a funeral1 and ,mrs4 ,bland came over1 and she and ,phbe attended to everything1 ,i suppose4 ,i did not notice nor think till we had left him out there in the cold and had come back4 ,the windows of his room were opened1 and the bitter wind swept in4 ,the house was still and damp4 ,nobody was there to welcome me4 ,nobody would ever be 99 99 99 99 ,poor old ,phbe6 ,i had forgotten her4 ,she was waiting at the kitchen window in her black bonnet2 she took off my things and made me a cup of tea1 and kept at work near me for a little while1 wiping her eyes4 ,she came in just now1 when ,i had left my unfinished sentence to dry1 sitting here with my face in my hands4 8,laws now1 ,miss ,mary1 my dear6 ,this won't never do1--a rebellin' agin ,providence1 and singein' your hair on the lamp chimney this way6 ,the dining-room fire's goin' beautiful1 and the salmon is toasted to a brown4 ,put away them papers and come right along60 ,,ii4 ,february #bc;d4 ,who originated that most exquisite of inquisitions1 the condolence system8 ,a solid blow has in itself the elements of its rebound2 it arouses the antagonism of the life on which it falls2 its relief is the relief of a combat4 ,but a hundred little needles pricking at us1--what is to be done with them8 ,the hands hang down1 the knees are feeble4 ,we cannot so much as gasp1 because they are little needles4 ,i know that there are those who like these calls2 but why1 in the name of all sweet pity1 must we endure them without respect of persons1 as we would endure a wedding reception or make a party-call8 ,perhaps ,i write excitedly and hardly4 ,i feel excited and hard4 ,i am sure ,i do not mean to be ungrateful for real sorrowful sympathy1 however imperfectly it may be shown1 or that near friends 7if one has them71 cannot give1 in such a time as this1 actual strength1 even if they fail of comfort1 by look and tone and love4 ,but it is not near friends who are apt to wound1 nor real sympathy which sharpens the worst of the needles4 ,it is the fact that all your chance acquaintances feel called upon to bring their curious eyes and jarring words right into the silence of your first astonishment2 taking you in a round of morning calls with kid gloves and parasol1 and the liberty to turn your heart about and cut into it at pleasure4 ,you may quiver at every touch1 but there is no escape1 because it is 8the thing40 ,for instance3 ,meta ,tripp came in this afternoon1--,i have refused myself to everybody but ,mrs4 ,bland1 before1 but ,meta caught me in the parlor1 and there was no escape4 ,she had come1 it was plain enough1 because she must1 and she had come early1 because1 she too having lost a brother in the war1 she was expected to be very sorry for me4 ,very likely she was1 and very likely she did the best she knew how1 but she was--not as uncomfortable as ,i1 but as uncomfortable as she could be1 and was evidently glad when it was over4 ,she observed1 as she went out1 that ,i shouldn't feel so sad by and by4 ,she felt very sad at first when ,jack died1 but everybody got over that after a time4 ,the girls were going to sew for the ,fair next week at ,mr4 ,quirk's1 and she hoped ,i would exert myself and come4 ,ah1 well3-- 8,first learn to love one living man1 ,then mayst thou think upon the dead40 ,it is not that the child is to be blamed for not knowing enough to stay away2 but her coming here has made me wonder whether ,i am different from other women2 why ,roy was so much more to me than many brothers are to many sisters4 ,i think it must be that there never was another like ,roy4 ,then we have lived together so long1 we two alone1 since father died1 that he had grown to me1 heart of my heart1 and life of my life4 ,it did not seem as if he could be taken1 and ,i be left4 ,besides1 ,i suppose most young women of my age have their dreams1 and a future probable or possible1 which makes the very incompleteness of life sweet1 because of the symmetry which is waiting somewhere4 ,but that was settled so long ago for me that it makes it very different4 ,roy was all there was4 ,february #bfth4 ,death and ,heaven could not seem very different to a ,pagan from what they seem to me4 ,i say this deliberately4 ,it has been deliberately forced upon me4 ,that of which ,i had a faint consciousness in the first shock takes shape now4 ,i do not see how one with such thoughts in her heart as ,i have had can possibly be 8regenerate10 or stand any chance of ever becoming 8one of the redeemed40 ,and here ,i am1 what ,i have been for six years1 a member of an ,evangelical church1 in good and regular standing6 ,the bare1 blank sense of physical repulsion from death1 which was all the idea ,i had of anything when they first brought him home1 has not gone yet4 ,it is horrible4 ,it was cruel4 ,roy1 all ,i had in the wide world1--,roy1 with the flash in his eyes1 with his smile that lighted the house all up2 with his pretty1 soft hair that ,i used to curl and kiss about my finger1 his bounding step1 his strong arms that folded me in and cared for me1--,roy snatched away in an instant by a dreadful ,god1 and laid out there in the wet and snow1--in the hideous wet and snow1--never to kiss him1 never to see him any more6 99 99 99 99 ,he was a good boy4 ,roy was a good boy4 ,he must have gone to ,heaven4 ,but ,i know nothing about ,heaven4 ,it is very far off4 ,in my best and happiest days1 ,i never liked to think of it4 ,if ,i were to go there1 it could do me no good1 for ,i should not see ,roy4 ,or if by chance ,i should see him standing up among the grand1 white angels1 he would not be the old dear ,roy4 ,i should grow so tired of singing6 ,should long and fret for one little talk1--for ,i never said good by1 and-- ,i will stop this4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a scrap from the ,german of ,brger1 which ,i came across to-day1 shall be copied here4 8,be calm1 my child1 forget thy woe1 ,and think of ,god and ,heaven2 ,christ thy ,redeemer hath to thee ,himself for comfort given4 8,o mother1 mother1 what is ,heaven8 ,o mother1 what is ,hell8 ,to be with ,wilhelm1--that's my ,heaven2 ,without him1--that's my ,hell40 ,february #bgth4 ,miss ,meta ,tripp1 in the ignorance of her little silly heart1 has done me a great mischief4 ,phbe prepared me for it1 by observing1 when she came up yesterday to dust my room1 that 8folks was all sayin' that ,mary ,cabot0--7,homer is not an aristocratic town1 and ,phbe doffs and dons my title at her own sweet will7--8that ,mary ,cabot was dreadful low sence ,royal died1 and hadn't ought to stay shut up by herself1 day in and day out4 ,it was behaving con-trary to the will of ,providence1 and very bad for her health1 too40 ,moreover1 ,mrs4 ,bland1 who called this morning with her three babies1--she never is able to stir out of the house without those children1 poor thing6--lingered awkwardly on the door-steps as she went away1 and hoped that ,mary my dear wouldn't take it unkindly1 but she did wish that ,i would exert myself more to see my friends and receive comfort in my affliction4 ,she didn't want to interfere1 or bother me1 or--but--people would talk1 and-- ,my good little minister's wife broke down all in a blush1 at this point in her 8porochial duties0 7,i more than suspect that her husband had a hand in the matter71 so ,i took pity on her embarrassment1 and said smiling that ,i would think about it4 ,i see just how the leaven has spread4 ,miss ,meta1 a little overwhelmed and a good deal mystified by her call here1 pronounces 8poor ,mary ,cabot so sad2 she wouldn't talk about ,royal2 and you couldn't persuade her to come to the ,fair2 and she was so sober6--why1 it was dreadful60 ,therefore1 ,homer has made up its mind that ,i shall become resigned in an arithmetical manner1 and comforted according to the ,rule of ,three4 ,i wish ,i could go away6 ,i wish ,i could go away and creep into the ground and die6 ,if nobody need ever speak any more words to me6 ,if anybody only knew what to say6 ,little ,mrs4 ,bland has been very kind1 and ,i thank her with all my heart4 ,but she does not know4 ,she does not understand4 ,her happy heart is bound up in her little live children4 ,she never laid anybody away under the snow without a chance to say good by4 ,as for the minister1 he came1 of course1 as it was proper that he should1 before the funeral1 and once after4 ,he is a very good man1 but ,i am afraid of him1 and ,i am glad that he has not come again4 ,night4 ,i can only repeat and re-echo what ,i wrote this noon4 ,if anybody knew what to say6 ,just after supper ,i heard the door-bell1 and1 looking out of the window1 ,i caught a glimpse of ,deacon ,quirk's old drab felt hat1 on the upper step4 ,my heart sank1 but there was no help for me4 ,i waited for ,phbe to bring up his name1 desperately listening to her heavy steps1 and letting her knock three times before ,i answered4 ,i confess to having taken my hair down twice1 washed my hands to a most unnecessary extent1 and been a long time brushing my dress2 also to forgetting my handkerchief1 and having to go back for it after ,i was down stairs4 ,deacon ,quirk looked tired of waiting4 ,i hope he was4 ,o1 what an ill-natured thing to say6 ,what is coming over me8 ,what would ,roy think8 ,what could he8 8,good evening1 ,mary10 said the ,deacon1 severely1 when ,i went in4 ,probably he did not mean to speak severely1 but the truth is1 ,i think he was a little vexed that ,i had kept him waiting4 ,i said good evening1 and apologized for my delay1 and sat down as far from him as ,i conveniently could4 ,there was an awful silence4 8,i came in this evening10 said the ,deacon1 breaking it with a cough1 8,i came--hem6--to confer with you--0 ,i looked up4 8,i thought somebody had ought to come10 continued the ,deacon1 8to confer with you as a ,christian brother on your spiritooal condition40 ,i opened my eyes4 8,to confer with you on your spiritooal condition10 repeated my visitor4 8,i understand that you have had some unfortoonate exercises of mind under your affliction1 and ,i observed that you absented yourself from the ,communion ,table last ,sunday40 8,i did40 8,intentionally80 8,intentionally40 ,he seemed to expect me to say something more2 and1 seeing that there was no help for it1 ,i answered4 8,i did not feel fit to go4 ,i should not have dared to go4 ,god does not seem to me just now what ,he used to4 ,he has dealt very bitterly with me4 ,but1 however wicked ,i may be1 ,i will not mock ,him4 ,i think1 ,deacon ,quirk1 that ,i did right to stay away40 8,well10 said the ,deacon1 twirling his hat with a puzzled look1 8perhaps you did4 ,but ,i don't see the excuse for any such feelings as would make it necessary4 ,i think it my duty to tell you1 ,mary1 that ,i am sorry to see you in such a rebellious state of mind40 ,i made no reply4 8,afflictions come from ,god10 he observed1 looking at me as impressively as if he supposed that ,i had never heard the statement before4 8,afflictions come from ,god1 and1 however afflictin' or however crushin' they may be1 it is our duty to submit to them4 ,glory in triboolation1 ,st4 ,paul says2 glory in triboolation40 ,i continued silent4 8,i sympathize with you in this sad dispensation10 he proceeded4 8,of course you was very fond of ,royal2 it's natural you should be1 quite natural--0 ,he stopped1 perplexed1 ,i suppose1 by something in my face4 8,yes1 it's very natural2 poor human nature sets a great deal by earthly props and affections4 ,but it's your duty1 as a ,christian and a church-member1 to be resigned40 ,i tapped the floor with my foot4 ,i began to think that ,i could not bear much more4 8,to be resigned1 my dear young friend4 ,to say #8,abba1 ,father4' and pray that the will of the ,lord be done40 8,deacon ,quirk60 said ,i4 8,i am not resigned4 ,i pray the dear ,lord with all my heart to make me so1 but ,i will not say that ,i am1 until ,i am1--if ever that time comes4 ,as for those words about the ,lord's will1 ,i would no more take them on my lips than ,i would blasphemy1 unless ,i could speak them honestly1--and that ,i cannot do4 ,we had better talk of something else now1 had we not80 ,deacon ,quirk looked at me4 ,it struck me that he would look very much so at a ,mormon or a ,hottentot1 and ,i wondered whether he were going to excommunicate me on the spot4 ,as soon as he began to speak1 however1 ,i saw that he was only bewildered1--honestly bewildered1 and honestly shocked3 ,i do not doubt that ,i had said bewildering and shocking things4 8,my friend10 he said solemnly1 8,i shall pray for you and leave you in the hands of ,god4 ,your brother1 whom ,he has removed from this earthly life for ,his own wise--0 8,we will not talk any more about ,roy1 if you please10 ,i interrupted2 8he is happy and safe40 8,hem6--,i hope so10 he replied1 moving uneasily in his chair2 8,i believe he never made a profession of religion1 but there is no limit to the mercy of ,god4 ,it is very unsafe for the young to think that they can rely on a death-bed repentance1 but our ,god is a covenant-keeping ,god1 and ,royal's mother was a pious woman4 ,if you cannot say with certainty that he is numbered among the redeemed1 you are justified1 perhaps1 in hoping so40 ,i turned sharply on him1 but words died on my lips4 ,how could ,i tell the man of that short1 dear letter that came to me in ,december1--that ,roy's was no death-bed repentance1 but the quiet1 natural growth of a life that had always been the life of the pure in heart2 of his manly beliefs and unselfish motives2 of that dawning sense of friendship with ,christ of which he used to speak so modestly1 dreading lest he should not be honest with himself8 8,perhaps ,i ought not to call myself a ,christian10 he wrote1--,i learned the words by heart4--8and ,i shall make no profession to be such1 till ,i am sure of it1 but my life has not seemed to me for a long time to be my own4 #8,bought with a price' just expresses it4 ,i can point to no time at which ,i was conscious by any revolution of feeling of #8experiencing a change of heart1' but it seems to me that a man's heart might be changed for all that4 ,i do not know that it is necessary for us to be able to watch every footprint of ,god4 ,the way is all that concerns us1--to see that we follow it and ,him4 ,this ,i am sure of2 and knocking about in this army life only convinces me of what ,i felt in a certain way before1--that it is the only way1 and ,he the only guide to follow40 ,but how could ,i say anything of this to ,deacon ,quirk8--this my sealed and sacred treasure1 of all that ,roy left me the dearest4 ,at any rate ,i did not4 ,it seemed both obstinate and cruel in him to come there and say what he had been saying4 ,he might have known that ,i would not say that ,roy had gone to ,heaven1 if--why1 if there had been the breath of a doubt4 ,it is a possibility of which ,i cannot rationally conceive1 but ,i suppose that his name would never have passed my lips4 ,so ,i turned away from ,deacon ,quirk1 and shut my mouth1 and waited for him to finish4 ,whether the idea began to struggle into his mind that he might not have been making a very comforting remark1 ,i cannot say2 but he started very soon to go4 8,supposing you are right1 and ,royal was saved at the eleventh hour10 he said at parting1 with one of his stolid efforts to be consolatory1 that are worse than his rebukes1 8if he is singing the song of ,moses and the ,lamb 7he pointed with his big1 dingy thumb at the ceiling71 he doesn't rebel against the doings of ,providence4 ,all his affections are subdued to ,god1--merged1 as you might say1--merged in worshipping before the great ,white ,throne4 ,he doesn't think this miser'ble earthly spere of any importance1 compared with that eternal and exceeding weight of glory4 ,in the appropriate words of the poet1-- #8,o1 not to one created thing ,shall our embrace be given1 ,but all our joy shall be in ,god1 ,for only ,god is ,heaven4' ,those are very spiritooal and scripteral lines1 and it's very proper to reflect how true they are40 ,i saw him go out1 and came up here and locked myself in1 and have been walking round and round the room4 ,i must have walked a good while1 for ,i feel as weak as a baby4 ,can the man in any state of existence be made to comprehend that he has been holding me on the rack this whole evening8 ,yet he came under a strict sense of duty1 and in the kindness of all the heart he has6 ,i know1 or ,i ought to know1 that he is a good man1--far better in the sight of ,god to-night1 ,i do not doubt1 than ,i am4 ,but it hurts1--it cuts1--that thing which he said as he went out2 because ,i suppose it must be true2 because it seems to me greater than ,i can bear to have it true4 ,roy1 away in that dreadful ,heaven1 can have no thought of me1 cannot remember how ,i loved him1 how he left me all alone4 ,the singing and the worshipping must take up all his time4 ,god wants it all4 ,he is a 8,jealous ,god40 ,i am nothing any more to ,roy4 ,march #b4 ,and once ,i was much1--very much to him6 ,his ,mamie1 his poor ,queen ,mamie1--dearer1 he used to say1 than all the world to him1--,i don't see how he can like it so well up there as to forget her4 ,though ,roy was a very good boy4 ,but this poor1 wicked little ,mamie1--why1 ,i fall to pitying her as if she were some one else1 and wish that some one would cry over her a little4 ,i can't cry4 ,roy used to say a thing1--,i have not the words1 but it was like this1--that one must be either very young or very ungenerous1 if one could find time to pity one's self4 ,i have lain for two nights1 with my eyes open all night long4 ,i thought that perhaps ,i might see him4 ,i have been praying for a touch1 a sign1 only for something to break the silence into which he has gone4 ,but there is no answer1 none4 ,the light burns blue1 and ,i see at last that it is morning1 and go down stairs alone1 and so the day begins4 ,something of ,mrs4 ,browning's has been keeping a dull mechanical time in my brain all day4 8,god keeps a niche ,in ,heaven to hold our idols3 444 albeit ,he brake them to our faces1 and denied ,that our close kisses should impair their white40 ,but why must ,he take them8 ,and why should ,he keep them there8 ,shall we ever see them framed in their glorious gloom8 ,will ,he let us touch them then8 ,or must we stand like a poor worshipper at a ,cathedral1 looking up at his pictured saint afar off upon the other side8 ,has everything stopped just here8 ,our talks together in the twilight1 our planning and hoping and dreaming together2 our walks and rides and laughing2 our reading and singing and loving1--these then are all gone out forever8 ,god forgive the words6 but ,heaven will never be ,heaven to me without them4 ,march #d4 ,perhaps ,i had better not write any more here after this4 ,on looking over the leaves1 ,i see that the little green book has become an outlet for the shallower part of pain4 ,meta ,tripp and ,deacon ,quirk1 gossip and sympathy that have buzzed into my trouble and annoyed me like wasps 7we are apt to make more fuss over a wasp-sting than a sabre-cut71 just that proportion of suffering which alone can ever be put into words1--the surface4 ,i begin to understand what ,i never understood till now1--what people mean by the luxury of grief4 ,no1 ,i am sure that ,i never understood it1 because my pride suffered as much as any part of me in that other time4 ,i would no more have spent two consecutive hours drifting at the mercy of my thoughts1 than ,i would have put my hand into the furnace fire4 ,the right to mourn makes everything different4 ,then1 as to mother1 ,i was very young when she died1 and father1 though ,i loved him1 was never to me what ,roy has been4 ,this luxury of grief1 like all luxuries1 is pleasurable4 ,though1 as ,i was saying1 it is only the shallow part of one's heart--,i imagine that the deepest hearts have their shallows--which can be filled by it1 still it brings a shallow relief4 ,let it be confessed to this honest book1 that1 driven to it by desperation1 ,i found in it a wretched sort of content4 ,being a little stronger now physically1 ,i shall try to be a little braver2 it will do no harm to try4 ,so ,i seem to see that it was the content of poison1--salt-water poured between shipwrecked lips4 ,at any rate1 ,i mean to put the book away and lock it up4 ,roy used to say that he did not believe in journals4 ,i begin to see why4 ,,iii ,march #g4 ,i have taken out my book1 and am going to write again4 ,but there is an excellent reason4 ,i have something else than myself to write about4 ,this morning ,phbe persuaded me to walk down to the office1 8,to keep up my spirits and get some salt pork40 ,she brought my things and put them on me while ,i was hesitating2 tied my victorine and buttoned my gloves2 warmed my boots1 and fussed about me as if ,i had been a baby4 ,it did me good to be taken care of1 and ,i thanked her softly2 a little more softly than ,i am apt to speak to ,phbe4 8,bless your soul1 my dear60 she said1 winking briskly1 8,i don't want no thanks4 ,it's thanks enough jest to see one of your old looks comin' over you for a spell1 sence--0 ,she knocked over a chair with her broom1 and left her sentence unfinished4 ,phbe has always had a queer1 clinging1 superior sort of love for us both4 ,she dandled us on her knees1 and made all our rag-dolls1 and carried us through measles and mumps and the rest4 ,then mother's early death threw all the care upon her4 ,i believe that in her secret heart she considers me more her child than her mistress4 ,it cost a great many battles to become established as 8,miss ,mary40 8,i should like to know10 she would say1 throwing back her great1 square shoulders and towering up in front of me1--8,i should like to know if you s'pose ,i'm a goin' to #8,miss' anybody that ,i've trotted to ,bamberry ,cross as many times as ,i have you1 ,mary ,cabot6 ,catch me60 ,i remember how she would insist on calling me 8her baby0 after ,i was in long dresses1 and that it mortified me cruelly once when ,meta ,tripp was here to tea with some ,boston cousins4 ,poor1 good ,phbe6 ,her rough love seems worth more to me1 now that it is all ,i have left me in the world4 ,it occurs to me that ,i may not have taken notice enough of her lately4 ,she has done her honest best to comfort me1 and she loved ,roy1 too4 ,but about the letter4 ,i wrapped my face up closely in the crpe1 so that1 if ,i met ,deacon ,quirk1 he should not recognize me1 and1 thinking that the air was pleasant as ,i walked1 came home with the pork for ,phbe and a letter for myself4 ,i did not open it2 in fact1 ,i forgot all about it1 till ,i had been at home for half an hour4 ,i cannot bear to open a letter since that morning when the lances of light fell on the snow4 ,they have written to me from everywhere1--uncles and cousins and old school-friends2 well-meaning people2 saying each the same thing in the same way1--no1 not that exactly1 and very likely ,i should feel hurt and lonely if they did not write2 but sometimes ,i wish it did not all have to be read4 ,so ,i did not notice much about my letter this morning1 till presently it occurred to me that what must be done had better be done quickly2 so ,i drew up my chair to the desk1 prepared to read and answer on the spot4 ,something about the writing and the signature rather pleased me3 it was dated from ,kansas1 and was signed with the name of my mother's youngest sister1 ,winifred ,forceythe4 ,i will lay the letter in between these two leaves1 for it seems to suit the pleasant1 spring-like day2 besides1 ,i took out the green book again on account of it4 ,,lawrence1 ,,kansas1 ,february #ba4 ,,my ,,dear ,,child1--,i have been thinking how happy you will be by and by because ,roy is happy4 ,and yet ,i know--,i understand-- ,you have been in all my thoughts1 and they have been such pitiful1 tender thoughts1 that ,i cannot help letting you know that somebody is sorry for you4 ,for the rest1 the heart knoweth its own1 and ,i am1 after all1 too much of a stranger to my sister's child to intermeddle4 ,so my letter dies upon my pen4 ,you cannot bear words yet4 ,how should ,i dare to fret you with them8 ,i can only reach you by my silence1 and leave you with the ,heart that bled and broke for you and ,roy4 ,your ,aunt1 ,,winifred ,,forceythe4 ,,postscript1 ,february #bc4 ,i open my letter to add1 that ,i am thinking of coming to ,new ,england with ,faith1--you know ,faith and ,i have nobody but each other now4 ,indeed1 ,i may be on my way by the time this reaches you4 ,it is just possible that ,i may not come back to the ,west4 ,i shall be for a time at your uncle ,calvin's1 and then my husband's friends think that they must have me4 ,i should like to see you for a day or two1 but if you do not care to see me1 say so4 ,if you let me come because you think you must1 ,i shall find it out from your face in an hour4 ,i should like to be something to you1 or do something for you2 but if ,i cannot1 ,i would rather not come4 ,i like that letter4 ,i have written to her to come1 and in such a way that ,i think she will understand me to mean what ,i say4 ,i have not seen her since ,i was a child4 ,i know that she was very much younger than my mother2 that she spent her young ladyhood teaching at the ,south2--grandfather had enough with which to support her1 but ,i have heard it said that she preferred to take care of herself2--that she finally married a poor minister1 whose sermons people liked1 but whose coat was shockingly shabby2 that she left the comforts and elegances and friends of ,new ,england to go to the ,west and bury herself in an unheard-of little place with him 7,i think she must have loved him72 that he afterwards settled in ,lawrence2 that there1 after they had been married some childless years1 this little ,faith was born2 and that there ,uncle ,forceythe died about three years ago2 that is about all ,i know of her4 ,i suppose her share of ,grandfather ,burleigh's little property supports her respectably4 ,i understand that she has been living a sort of missionary life among her husband's people since his death1 and that they think they shall never see her like again4 ,it is they who keep her from coming home again1 ,uncle ,calvin's wife told me once2 they and one other thing1--her husband's grave4 ,i hope she will come to see me4 ,i notice one strange thing about her letter4 ,she does not use the ugly words 8death0 and 8dying40 ,i don't know exactly what she put in their places1 but something that had a pleasant sound4 8,to be happy because ,roy is happy40 ,i wonder if she really thinks it is possible4 ,i wonder what makes the words chase me about4 ,,iv4 ,may #e4 ,i am afraid that my brave resolutions are all breaking down4 ,the stillness of the ,may days is creeping into everything2 the days in which the furlough was to come2 in which the bitter ,peace has come instead1 and in which he would have been at home1 never to go away from me any more4 ,the lazy winds are choking me4 ,their faint sweetness makes me sick4 ,the moist1 rich loam is ploughed in the garden2 the grass1 more golden than green1 springs in the warm hollow by the front gate2 the great maple1 just reaching up to tap at the window1 blazes and bows under its weight of scarlet blossoms4 ,i cannot bear their perfume2 it comes up in great breaths1 when the window is opened4 ,i wish that little cricket1 just waked from his winter's nap1 would not sit there on the sill and chirp at me4 ,i hate the bluebirds flashing in and out of the carmine cloud that the maple makes1 and singing1 singing1 everywhere4 ,it is easy to understand how ,bianca heard 8,the nightingales sing through her head10 how she could call them 8,owl-like birds10 who sang 8for spite10 who sang 8for hate10 who sang 8for doom40 ,most of all ,i hate the maple4 ,i wish winter were back again to fold it away in white1 with its bare1 black fingers only to come tapping at the window4 8,roy's maple0 we used to call it4 ,how much fun he had out of that old tree6 ,as far back as ,i can remember1 we never considered spring to be officially introduced till we had had a fight with the red blossoms4 ,roy used to pelt me well2 but with that pretty chivalry of his1 which was rare in such a little fellow1 which developed afterwards into that rarer treatment of women1 of which every one speaks who speaks of him1 he would stop the play the instant it threatened roughness4 ,i used to be glad1 though1 that ,i had strength and courage enough to make it some fun to him4 ,the maple is full of pictures of ,roy4 ,roy not yet over the dignity of his first boots1 aiming for the cross-barred branch1 coming to the ground with a terrible wrench on his ankle1 straight up again before anybody could stop him1 and sitting there on the ugly1 swaying bough as white as a sheet1 to wave his cap1--8,there1 ,i meant to do it1 and ,i have60 ,roy1 chopping off the twigs for kindling-wood in his mud oven1 and sending his hatchet right through the parlor window4 ,roy cutting leaves for me1 and then pulling all my wreaths down over my nose every time ,i put them on6 ,roy making me jump half-way across the room with a sudden thump on my window1 and1 looking out1 ,i would see him with his hat off and hair blown from his forehead1 framed in by the scented blossoms1 or the quivering green1 or the flame of blood-red leaves4 ,but there is no end to them if ,i begin4 ,i had planned1 if he came this week1 to strip the richest branches1 and fill his room4 ,may #f4 ,the ,may-day stillness1 the lazy winds1 the sweetness in the air1 are all gone4 ,a miserable northeasterly storm has set in4 ,the garden loam is a mass of mud2 the golden grass is drenched2 the poor little cricket is drowned in a mud-puddle2 the bluebirds are huddled among the leaves1 with their heads under their drabbled wings1 and the maple blossoms1 dull and shrunken1 drip against the glass4 ,it begins to be evident that it will never do for me to live alone4 ,yet who is there in the wide world that ,i could bear to bring here--into ,roy's place8 ,a little old-fashioned book1 bound in green and gold1 attracted my attention this morning while ,i was dusting the library4 ,it proved to be my mother's copy of 8,elia10--one that father had given her1 ,i saw by the fly-leaf1 in their early engagement days4 ,it is some time since ,i have read ,charles ,lamb2 indeed1 since the middle of ,february ,i have read nothing of any sort4 ,phbe dries the ,journal for me every night1 and sometimes ,i glance at the ,telegraphic ,summary1 and sometimes ,i don't4 8,you used to be fond enough of books10 ,mrs4 ,bland says1 looking puzzled1--8regular blue-stocking1 ,mr4 ,bland called you 7no personal objection to you1 of course1 my dear1 but he doesn't like literary women1 which is a great comfort to me74 ,why don't you read and divert yourself now80 ,but my brain1 like the rest of me1 seems to be crushed4 ,i could not follow three pages of history with attention4 ,shakespeare1 ,wordsworth1 ,whittier1 ,mrs4 ,browning1 are filled with ,roy's marks1--and so down the shelf4 ,besides1 poetry strikes as nothing else does1 deep into the roots of things4 ,one finds everywhere some strain at the fibres of one's heart4 ,a mind must be healthily reconciled to actual life1 before a poet--at least most poets--can help it4 ,we must learn to bear and to work1 before we can spare strength to dream4 ,to hymns and hymn-like poems1 exception should be made4 ,some of them are like soft hands stealing into ours in the dark1 and holding us fast without a spoken word4 ,i do not know how many times ,whittier's 8,psalm10 and that old cry of ,cowper's1 8,god moves in a mysterious way10 have quieted me1--just the sound of the words2 when ,i was too wild to take in their meaning1 and too wicked to believe them if ,i had4 ,as to novels1 7by the way1 ,meta ,tripp sent me over four yesterday afternoon1 among which notice 8,aurora ,floyd0 and 8,uncle ,silas107 the author of 8,rutledge0 expresses my feeling about them precisely4 ,i do not remember her exact words1 but they are not unlike these4 8,she had far outlived the passion of ordinary novels2 and the few which struck the depths of her experience gave her more pain than pleasure40 ,however1 ,i took up poor 8,elia0 this morning1 and stumbled upon 8,dream ,children10 to which1 for pathos and symmetry1 ,i have read few things superior in the language4 ,years ago1 ,i almost knew it by heart1 but it has slipped out of memory with many other things of late4 ,any book1 if it be one of those which ,lamb calls 8books which are books10 put before us at different periods of life1 will unfold to us new meanings1--wheels within wheels1 delicate springs of purpose to which1 at the last reading1 we were stone-blind2 gems which perhaps the author ignorantly cut and polished4 ,a sentence in this 8,dream ,children10 which at eighteen ,i passed by with a compassionate sort of wonder1 only thinking that it gave me 8the blues0 to read it1 and that ,i was glad ,roy was alive1 ,i have seized upon and learned all over again now4 ,i write it down to the dull music of the rain4 8,and how1 when he died1 though he had not been dead an hour1 it seemed as if he had died a great while ago1 such a distance there is betwixt life and death2 and how ,i bore his death1 as ,i thought1 pretty well at first1 but afterwards it haunted and haunted me2 and though ,i did not cry or take it to heart as some do1 and as ,i think he would have done if ,i had died1 yet ,i missed him all day long1 and knew not till then how much ,i had loved him4 ,i missed his kindness and ,i missed his crossness1 and wished him to be alive again to be quarrelling with him 7for we quarrelled sometimes71 rather than not have him again40 ,how still the house is6 ,i can hear the coach rumbling away at the half-mile corner1 coming up from the evening train4 ,a little arrow of light has just cut the gray gloom of the ,west4 ,ten o'clock4 ,the coach to which ,i sat listening rumbled up to the gate and stopped4 ,puzzled for the moment1 and feeling as inhospitable as ,i knew how1 ,i went down to the door4 ,the driver was already on the steps1 with a bundle in his arms that proved to be a rather minute child2 and a lady1 veiled1 was just stepping from the carriage into the rain4 ,of course ,i came to my senses at that1 and1 calling to ,phbe that ,mrs4 ,forceythe had come1 sent her out an umbrella4 ,she surprised me by running lightly up the steps4 ,i had imagined a somewhat advanced age and a sedate amount of infirmities1 to be necessary concomitants of aunthood4 ,she came in all sparkling with rain-drops1 and1 gently pushing aside the hand with which ,i was trying to pay her driver1 said1 laughing3-- 8,here we are1 bag and baggage1 you see1 #8big trunk1 little trunk1' c41 c4 ,you did not expect me8 ,ah1 my letter missed then4 ,it is too bad to take you by storm in this way4 ,come1 ,faith6 ,no1 don't trouble about the trunks just now4 ,shall ,i go right in here80 ,her voice had a sparkle in it1 like the drops on her veil1 but it was low and very sweet4 ,i took her in by the dining-room fire1 and was turning to take off the little girl's things1 when a soft hand stayed me1 and ,i saw that she had drawn off the wet veil4 ,a face somewhat pale looked down at me1--she is taller than ,i1--with large1 compassionate eyes4 8,i am too wet to kiss you1 but ,i must have a look10 she said1 smiling4 8,that will do4 ,you are like your mother1 very like40 ,i don't know what possessed me1 whether it was the sudden1 sweet feeling of kinship with something alive1 or whether it was her face or her voice1 or all together1 but ,i said3-- 8,i don't think you are too wet to be kissed10 and threw my arms about her neck1--,i am not of the kissing kind1 either1 and ,i had on my new bombazine1 and she was very wet4 ,i thought she looked pleased4 ,phbe was sent to open the register in the blue room1 and as soon as it was warm ,i went up with them1 leading ,faith by the hand4 ,i am unused to children1 and she kept stepping on my dress1 and spinning around and tipping over1 in the most astonishing manner4 ,it strikingly reminded me of a top at the last gasp4 ,her mother observed that she was tired and sleepy4 ,phbe was waiting around awkwardly up stairs1 with fresh towels on her arm4 ,aunt ,winifred turned and held out her hand4 8,well1 ,phbe1 ,i am glad to see you4 ,this is ,phbe1 ,i am sure8 ,you have altered with everything else since ,i was here before4 ,you keep bright and well1 ,i hope1 and take good care of ,miss ,mary80 ,it was a simple enough thing1 to be sure1 her taking the trouble to notice the old servant with whom she had scarcely ever exchanged a half-dozen words2 but ,i liked it4 ,i liked the way1 too1 in which it was done4 ,it reminded me of ,roy's fine1 well-bred manner towards his inferiors1--always cordial1 yet always appropriate2 ,i have heard that our mother had much the same4 ,i tried to make things look as pleasant as ,i could down stairs1 while they were making ready for tea4 ,the grate was raked up a little1 a bright supper-cloth laid on the table1 and the curtains drawn4 ,phbe mixed a hasty cake of some sort1 and brought out the heavier pieces of silver1--tea-pot1 c41 which ,i do not use when ,i am alone1 because it is so much trouble to take care of them1 and because ,i like the little ,wedgwood set that ,roy had for his chocolate4 8,how pleasant60 said ,aunt ,winifred1 as she sat down with ,faith in a high chair beside her4 ,phbe had a great hunt up garret for that chair2 it has been stowed away there since it and ,i parted company4 8,how pleasant everything is here6 ,i believe in bright dining-rooms4 ,there is an indescribable dinginess to most that ,i have seen1 which tends to anything but thankfulness4 ,homesick1 ,faith8 ,no2 that's right4 ,i don't think we shall be homesick at ,cousin ,mary's40 ,if she had not said that1 the probabilities are that they would have been1 for ,i have fallen quite out of the way of active housekeeping1 and have almost forgotten how to entertain a friend4 ,but ,i do not want her good opinion wasted1 and mean they shall have a good time if ,i can make it for them4 ,it was a little hard at first to see her opposite me at the table2 it was ,roy's place4 ,while she was sitting there in the light1 with the dust and weariness of travel brushed away a little1 ,i was able to make up my mind what this aunt of mine looks like4 ,she is young1 then1 to begin with1 and ,i find it necessary to reiterate the fact1 in order to get it into my stupid brain4 ,the cape and spectacles1 the little old woman's shawl and invalid's walk1 for which ,i had prepared myself1 persist in hovering before my bewildered eyes1 ready to drop down on her at a moment's notice4 ,just thirty-five she is by her own showing2 older than ,i1 to be sure2 but as we passed in front of the mirror together1 once to-night1 ,i could not see half that difference between us4 ,the peace of her face and the pain of mine contrast sharply1 and give me an old1 worn look1 beside her4 ,after all1 though1 to one who had seen much of life1 hers would be the true maturity perhaps1--the maturity of repose4 ,a look in her eyes once or twice gave me the impression that she thinks me rather young1 though she is far too wise and delicate to show it4 ,i don't like to be treated like a girl4 ,i mean to find out what she does think4 ,my eyes have been on her face the whole evening1 and ,i believe it is the sweetest face--woman's face--that ,i have ever seen4 ,yet she is far from being a beautiful woman4 ,it is difficult to say what makes the impression2 scarcely any feature is accurate1 yet the tout ensemble seems to have no fault4 ,her hair1 which must have been bright bronze once1 has grown gray--quite gray--before its time4 ,i really do not know of what color her eyes are2 blue1 perhaps1 most frequently1 but they change with every word that she speaks2 when quiet1 they have a curious1 far-away look1 and a steady1 lambent light shines through them4 ,her mouth is well cut and delicate1 yet you do not so much notice that as its expression4 ,it looks as if it held a happy secret1 with which1 however near one may come to her1 one can never intermeddle4 ,yet there are lines about it and on her forehead1 which are proof plain enough that she has not always floated on summer seas4 ,she yet wears her widow's black1 but relieves it pleasantly by white at the throat and wrists4 ,take her altogether1 ,i like to look at her4 ,faith is a round1 rolling1 rollicking little piece of mischief1 with three years and a half of experience in this very happy world4 ,she has black eyes and a pretty chin1 funny little pink hands all covered with dimples1 and a dimple in one cheek besides4 ,she has tipped over two tumblers of water1 scratched herself all over playing with the cat1 and set her apron on fire already since she has been here4 ,i stand in some awe of her2 but1 after ,i have become initiated1 ,i think that we shall be very good friends4 8,of all names in the catalogue10 ,i said to her mother1 when she came down into the parlor after putting her to bed1 8,faith seems to be about the most inappropriate for this solid-bodied1 twinkling little bairn of yours1 with her pretty red cheeks1 and such an appetite for supper60 8,yes10 she said1 laughing1 8there is nothing spirituelle about ,faith4 ,but she means just that to me4 ,i could not call her anything else4 ,her father gave her the name40 ,her face changed1 but did not sadden2 a quietness crept into it and into her voice1 but that was all4 8,i will tell you about it sometime1--perhaps10 she added1 rising and standing by the fire4 8,faith looks like him40 ,her eyes assumed their distant look1 8like the eyes of those who see the dead10 and gazed away1--so far away1 into the fire1 that ,i felt that she would not be listening to anything that ,i might say1 and therefore said nothing4 ,we spent the evening chatting cosily4 ,after the fire had died down in the grate 7,i had ,phbe light a pine-knot there1 because ,i noticed that ,aunt ,winifred fancied the blaze in the dining-room71 we drew up our chairs into the corner by the register1 and roasted away to our hearts' content4 ,a very bad habit1 to sit over the register1 and ,aunt ,winifred says she shall undertake to break me of it4 ,we talked about everything under the sun1--uncles1 aunts1 cousins1 ,kansas and ,connecticut1 the surrenders and the assassination1 books1 pictures1 music1 and ,faith1--,o1 and ,phbe and the cat4 ,aunt ,winifred talks well1 and does not gossip nor exhaust her resources2 one feels always that she has material in reserve on any subject that is worth talking about4 ,for one thing ,i thank her with all my heart3 she never spoke of ,roy4 ,upon reflection1 ,i find that ,i have really passed a pleasant evening4 99 99 99 99 99 ,she knocked at my door just now1 after ,i had written the last sentence1 and had put away the book for the night4 ,thinking that it was ,phbe1 ,i called1 8,come in10 and did not turn4 ,she had come to the bureau where ,i stood unbraiding my hair1 and touched my arm1 before ,i saw who it was4 ,she had on a crimson dressing-gown of warm flannel1 and her hair hung down on her shoulders4 ,although so gray1 her hair is massive yet1 and coils finely when she is dressed4 8,i beg your pardon10 she said1 8but ,i thought you would not be in bed1 and ,i came in to say1--let me sit somewhere else at the breakfast-table1 if you like4 ,i saw that ,i had taken #8the vacant place4' ,good night1 my dear40 ,it was such a little thing6 ,i wonder how many people would have noticed it or taken the trouble to speak of it4 ,the quick perception1 the unusual delicacy1--these too are like ,roy4 ,i almost wish that she had stayed a little longer4 ,i almost think that ,i could bear to have her speak to me about him4 ,faith1 in the next room1 seems to have wakened from a frightened dream1 and ,i can hear their voices through the wall4 ,her mother is soothing and singing to her in the broken words of some old lullaby with which ,phbe used to sing ,roy and me to sleep1 years and years ago4 ,the unfamiliar1 home-like sound is pleasant in the silent house4 ,phbe1 on her way to bed1 is stopping on the garret-stairs to listen to it4 ,even the cat comes mewing up to the door1 and purring as ,i have not heard the creature purr since the old ,sunday-night singing1 hushed so long ago4 ,v4 ,may #g4 ,i was awakened and nearly smothered this morning by a pillow thrown directly at my head4 ,somewhat unaccustomed1 in the respectable1 old maid's life that ,i lead1 to such a pleasant little method of salutation1 ,i jerked myself upright1 and stared4 ,there stood ,faith in her night-dress1 laughing as if she would suffocate1 and her mother in search of her was just knocking at the open door4 8,she insisted on going to wake ,cousin ,mary1 and wouldn't be washed till ,i let her2 but ,i stipulated that she should kiss you softly on both your eyes40 8,i did10 said ,faith1 stoutly2 8,i kissed her eyes1 both two of 'em1 and her nose1 and her mouth and her neck2 then ,i pulled her hair1 and then ,i spinched her2 but ,i thought she'd have to be banged a little4 ,wasn't it a bang1 though60 ,it really did me good to begin the day with a hearty laugh4 ,the days usually look so long and blank at the beginning1 that ,i can hardly make up my mind to step out into them4 ,faith's pillow was the famous pebble in the pond1 to which authors of original imagination invariably resort2 ,i felt its little circles widening out all through the day4 ,i wonder if ,aunt ,winifred thought of that4 ,she thinks of many things4 ,for instance1 afraid apparently that ,i should think ,i was afflicted with one of those professional visitors who hold that a chance relationship justifies them in imposing on one from the beginning to the end of the chapter1 she managed to make me understand1 this morning1 that she was expecting to go back to ,uncle ,forceythe's brother on ,saturday4 ,i was surprised at myself to find that this proposition struck me with dismay4 ,i insisted with all my heart on keeping her for a week at the least1 and sent forth a fiat that her trunks should be unpacked4 ,we have had a quiet1 homelike day4 ,faith found her way to the orchard1 and installed herself there for the day1 overhauling the muddy grass with her bare hands to find dandelions4 ,she came in at dinner-time as brown as a little nut1 with her hat hanging down her neck1 her apron torn1 and just about as dirty as ,i should suppose it possible for a clean child to succeed in making herself4 ,her mother1 however1 seemed to be quite used to it1 and the expedition with which she made her presentable ,i regard as a stroke of genius4 ,while ,faith was disposed of1 and the house still1 auntie and ,i took our knitting and spent a regular old woman's morning at the south window in the dining-room4 ,in the afternoon ,mrs4 ,bland came over1 babies and all1 and sent up her card to ,mrs4 ,forceythe4 ,supper-time came1 and still there had not been a word of ,roy4 ,i began to wonder at1 while ,i respected1 this unusual silence4 ,while her mother was putting ,faith to bed1 ,i went into my room alone1 for a few moments' quiet4 ,an early dark had fallen1 for it had clouded up just before sunset4 ,the dull1 gray sky and narrow horizon shut down and crowded in everything4 ,a soldier from the village1 who has just come home1 was walking down the street with his wife and sister4 ,the crickets were chirping in the meadows4 ,the faint breath of the maple came up4 ,i sat down by the window1 and hid my face in both my hands4 ,i must have sat there some time1 for ,i had quite forgotten that ,i had company to entertain1 when the door softly opened and shut1 and some one came and sat down on the couch beside me4 ,i did not speak1 for ,i could not1 and1 the first ,i knew1 a gentle arm crept about me1 and she had gathered me into her lap and laid my head on her shoulder1 as she might have gathered ,faith4 8,there10 she said1 in her low1 lulling voice1 8now tell ,auntie all about it40 ,i don't know what it was1 whether the voice1 or touch1 or words1 but it came so suddenly1--and nobody had held me for so long1--that everything seemed to break up and unlock in a minute1 and ,i threw up my hands and cried4 ,i don't know how long ,i cried4 ,she passed her hand softly to and fro across my hair1 brushing it away from my temples1 while they throbbed and burned2 but she did not speak4 ,by and by ,i sobbed out3-- 8,auntie1 ,auntie1 ,auntie60 as ,faith sobs out in the dark4 ,it seemed to me that ,i must have help or die4 8,yes1 dear4 ,i understand4 ,i know how hard it is4 ,and you have been bearing it alone so long6 ,i am going to help you1 and you must tell me all you can40 ,the strong1 decided words1 8,i am going to help you10 gave me the first faint hope ,i have had1 that ,i could be helped1 and ,i could tell her--it was not sacrilege--the pent-up story of these weeks4 ,all the time her hand went softly to and fro across my hair4 ,presently1 when ,i was weak and faint with the new comfort of my tears1 8,aunt ,winifred10 ,i said1 8,i don't know what it means to be resigned2 ,i don't know what it means60 ,still her hand passed softly to and fro across my hair4 8,to have everything stop all at once6 without giving me any time to learn to bear it4 ,why1 you do not know1--it is just as if a great black gate had swung to and barred out the future1 and barred out him1 and left me all alone in any world that ,i can ever live in1 forever and forever40 8,my child10 she said1 with emphasis solemn and low upon the words1--8my child1 ,i do know4 ,i think you forget--my husband40 ,i had forgotten4 ,how could ,i8 ,we are most selfishly blinded by our own griefs4 ,no other form than ours ever seems to walk with us in the furnace4 ,her few words made me feel1 as ,i could not have felt if she had said more1 that this woman who was going to help me had suffered too2 had suffered perhaps more than ,i1--that1 if ,i sat as a little child at her feet1 she could teach me through the kinship of her pain4 8,o my dear10 she said1 and held me close1 8,i have trodden every step of it before you1--every single step40 8,but you never were so wicked about it6 ,you never felt--why1 ,i have been afraid ,i should hate ,god6 ,you never were so wicked as that40 ,low under her breath she answered 8,yes10--this sweet1 saintly woman who had come to me in the dark as an angel might4 ,then1 turning suddenly1 her voice trembled and broke3-- 8,mary1 ,mary1 do you think ,he could have lived those thirty-three years1 and be cruel to you now8 ,think that over and over2 only that4 ,it may be the only thought you dare to have1--it was all ,i dared to have once1--but cling to it2 cling with both hands1 ,mary1 and keep it40 ,i only put both hands about her neck and clung there2 but ,i hope--it seems1 as if ,i clung a little to the thought besides2 it was as new and sweet to me as if ,i had never heard of it in all my life2 and it has not left me yet4 8,and then1 my dear10 she said1 when she had let me cry a little longer1 8when you have once found out that ,roy's ,god loves you more than ,roy does1 the rest comes more easily4 ,it will not be as long to wait as it seems now4 ,it isn't as if you never were going to see him again40 ,i looked up bewildered4 8,what's the matter1 dear80 8,why1 do you think ,i shall see him1--really see him80 8,mary ,cabot10 she said abruptly1 turning to look at me1 8who has been talking to you about this thing80 8,deacon ,quirk10 ,i answered faintly1--8,deacon ,quirk and ,dr4 ,bland40 ,she put her other arm around me with a quick movement1 as if she would shield me from ,deacon ,quirk and ,dr4 ,bland4 8,do ,i think you will see him again8 ,you might as well ask me if ,i thought ,god made you and made ,roy1 and gave you to each other4 ,see him6 ,why1 of course you will see him as you saw him here40 8,as ,i saw him here6 ,why1 here ,i looked into his eyes1 ,i saw him smile1 ,i touched him4 ,why1 ,aunt ,winifred1 ,roy is an angel60 ,she patted my hand with a little1 soft1 comforting laugh4 8,but he is not any the less ,roy for that1--not any the less your own real ,roy1 who will love you and wait for you and be very glad to see you1 as he used to love and wait and be glad when you came home from a journey on a cold winter night40 8,and he met me at the door1 and led me in where it was light and warm60 ,i sobbed4 8,so he will meet you at the door in this other home1 and lead you into the light and the warmth4 ,and cannot that make the cold and dark a little shorter8 ,think a minute60 8,but there is ,god1--,i thought we went to ,heaven to worship ,him1 and--0 8,shall you worship more heartily or less1 for having ,roy again8 ,did ,mary love the ,master more or less1 after ,lazarus came back8 ,why1 my child1 where did you get your ideas of ,god8 ,don't you suppose ,he knows how you love ,roy80 ,i drank in the blessed words without doubt or argument4 ,i was too thirsty to doubt or argue4 ,some other time ,i may ask her how she knows this beautiful thing1 but not now4 ,all ,i can do now is to take it into my heart and hold it there4 ,roy my own again1--not only to look at standing up among the singers1--but close to me2 somehow or other to be as near as--to be nearer than--he was here1 really mine again6 ,i shall never let this go4 ,after we had talked awhile1 and when it came time to say good night1 ,i told her a little about my conversation with ,deacon ,quirk1 and what ,i said to him about the ,lord's will4 ,i did not know but that she would blame me4 8,some time10 she said1 turning her great1 compassionate eyes on me1--,i could feel them in the dark1--and smiling1 8you will find out all at once1 in a happy moment1 that you can say those words with all your heart1 and with all your soul1 and with all your strength2 it will come1 even in this world1 if you will only let it4 ,but1 until it does1 you do right1 quite right1 not to scorch your altar with a false burnt-offering4 ,god is not a ,god to be mocked4 ,he would rather have only the old cry3 #8,i believe2 help mine unbelief1' and wait till you can say the rest4 8,it has often grated on my ears10 she added1 8to hear people speak those words unworthily4 ,they seem to me the most solemn words that the ,bible contains1 or that ,christian experience can utter4 ,as far as my observation goes1 the good people--for they are good people--who use them when they ought to know better are of two sorts4 ,they are people in actual agony1 bewildered1 racked with rebellious doubts1 unaccustomed to own even to themselves the secret seethings of sin2 really persuaded that because it is a ,christian duty to have no will but the ,lord's1 they are under obligations to affirm that they have no will but the ,lord's4 ,or else they are people who know no more about this pain of bereavement than a child4 ,an affliction has passed over them1 put them into mourning1 made them feel uncomfortable till the funeral was over1 or even caused them a shallow sort of grief1 of which each week evaporates a little1 till it is gone4 ,these mourners air their trouble the longest1 prate loudest about resignation1 and have the most to say to you or me about our #8rebellious state of mind4' ,poor things6 ,one can hardly be vexed at them for pity4 ,think of being made so60 8,there is still another class of the cheerfully resigned10 ,i suggested1 8who are even more ready than these to tell you of your desperate wickedness--0 8,people who have never had even the semblance of a trouble in all their lives10 she interrupted4 8,yes4 ,i was going to speak of them4 ,of all miserable comforters1 they are the most arrogant40 8,as to real instant submission10 she said presently1 8there is some of it in the world4 ,there are sweet1 rare lives capable of great loves and great pains1 which yet are kept so attuned to the life of ,christ1 that the cry in the ,garden comes scarcely less honestly from their lips1 than from his4 ,such1 like the ,st4 ,john1 are but one among the ,twelve4 ,such1 it will do you and me good1 dear1 at least to remember40 8,such10 ,i thought when ,i was left alone1 8you new dear friend of mine1 who have come with such a blessed coming into my lonely days1--such you must be now1 whatever you were once40 ,if ,i should tell her that1 how she would open her soft eyes6 ,,vi4 ,may #i4 ,as ,i was looking over the green book last night1 ,aunt ,winifred came up behind me and softly laid a bunch of violets down between the leaves4 ,by an odd contrast1 the contented1 passionless things fell against those two verses that were copied from the ,german1 and completely covered them from sight4 ,i lifted the flowers1 and held up the page for her to see4 ,as she read1 her face altered strangely2 her eyes dilated1 her lip quivered1 a flush shot over her checks and dyed her forehead up to the waves of her hair4 ,i turned away quickly1 feeling that ,i had committed a rudeness in watching her1 and detecting in her1 however involuntarily1 some far1 inner sympathy1 or shadow of a long-past sympathy1 with the desperate words4 8,mary10 she said1 laying down the book1 8,i believe ,satan wrote that40 ,she laughed a little then1 nervously1 and paled back into her quiet1 peaceful self4 8,i mean that he inspired it4 ,they are wicked words4 ,you must not read them over4 ,you will outgrow them sometime with a beautiful growth of trust and love4 ,let them alone till that time comes4 ,see1 ,i will blot them out of sight for you with colors as blue as heaven1--the real heaven1 where ,god will be loved the most40 ,she shook apart the thick1 sweet nosegay1 and1 taking a half-dozen of the little blossoms1 pinned them1 dripping with fragrant dew1 upon the lines4 ,there ,i shall let them stay1 and1 since she wishes it1 ,i shall not lift them to see the reckless words till ,i can do it safely4 ,this afternoon ,aunt ,winifred has been telling me about herself4 ,somewhat more1 or of a different kind1 ,i should imagine1 from what she has told most people4 ,she seems to love me a little1 not in a proper kind of way1 because ,i happen to be her niece1 but for my own sake4 ,it surprises me to find how pleased ,i am that she should4 ,that ,kansas life must have been very hard to her1 in contrast as it was with the smooth elegance of her girlhood2 she was very young1 too1 when she undertook it4 ,i said something of the sort to her4 8,they have been the hardest and the easiest1 the saddest and the happiest1 years of all my life10 she answered4 ,i pondered the words in my heart1 while ,i listened to her story4 ,she gave me vivid pictures of the long1 bright bridal journey1 overshadowed with a very mundane weariness of jolting coaches and railway accidents before its close2 of the little neglected hamlet which waited for them1 twenty miles from a post-office and thirty from a school-house2 of the parsonage1 a log-hut among log-huts1 distinguished and adorned by a little lath and plastering1 glass windows1 and a doorstep2--they drew in sight of it at the close of a tired day1 with a red sunset lying low on the flats4 ,uncle ,forceythe wanted mission-work1 and mission-work he found here with--,i should say with a vengeance1 if the expression were exactly suited to an elegantly constructed and reflective journal4 8,my heart sank for a moment1 ,i confess10 she said1 8but it never would do1 you know1 to let him suspect that1 so ,i smiled away as well as ,i knew how1 shook hands with one or two women in red calico who had been #8slicking up inside1' they said2 went in by the fire1--it was really a pleasant fire1--and1 as soon as they had left us alone1 ,i climbed into ,john's lap1 and1 with both arms around his neck1 told him that ,i knew we should be very happy4 ,and ,i said--0 8,said what80 ,she blushed a little1 like a girl4 8,i believe ,i said ,i should be happy in ,patagonia1--with him4 ,i made him laugh at last1 and say that my face and words were like a beautiful prophecy4 ,and1 ,mary1 if they were1 it was beautifully fulfilled4 ,in the roughest times1--times of ragged clothes and empty flour-barrels1 of weakness and sickness and quack doctors1 of cold and discouragement1 of prairie fires and guerillas1--from trouble to trouble1 from year's end to year's end1 we were happy together1 we two4 ,as long as we could have each other1 and as long as we could be about our ,master's business1 we felt as if we did not dare to ask for anything more1 lest it should seem that we were ungrateful for such wealth of mercy40 ,it would take too long to write out here the half that she told me1 though ,i wish ,i could1 for it interested me more than any story that ,i have ever read4 ,after years of ,christ-like toiling to help those rough old farmers and wicked bushwhackers to ,heaven1 the call to ,lawrence came1 and it seemed to ,uncle ,forceythe that he had better go4 ,it was a pleasant1 influential parish1 and there1 though not less hard at work1 they found fewer rubs and more comforts2 there ,faith came1 and there were their pleasant days1 till the war4--,i held my breath to hear her tell about ,quantrell's raid4 ,there1 too1 ,uncle wasted through that death-in-life1 consumption2 there he 8fell on sleep10 she said1 and there she buried him4 ,she gave me no further description of his death than those words1 and she spoke them with her far-away1 tearless eyes looking off through the window1 and after she had spoken she was still for a time4 ,the heart knoweth its own bitterness2 that grew distinct to me1 as ,i sat1 shut out by her silence4 ,yet there was nothing bitter about her face4 8,faith was six months old when he went10 she said presently4 8,we had never named her3 ,baby was name enough at first for such a wee thing2 then she was the only one1 and had come so late1 that it seemed to mean more to us than to most to have a baby all to ourselves1 and we liked the sound of the word4 ,when it became quite certain that ,john must go1 we used to talk it over1 and he said that he would like to name her1 but what1 he did not tell me4 8,at last1 one night1 after he had lain for a while thinking with closed eyes1 he bade me bring the child to him4 ,the sun was setting1 ,i remember1 and the moon was rising4 ,he had had a hard day2 the life was all scorched out of the air4 ,i moved the bed up by the window1 that he might have the breath of the rising wind4 ,baby was wide awake1 cooing softly to herself in the cradle1 her bits of damp curls clinging to her head1 and her pink feet in her hands4 ,i took her up and brought her just as she was1 and knelt down by the bed4 ,the street was still4 ,we could hear the frogs chanting a mile away4 ,he lifted her little hands upon his own1 and said--no matter about the words--but he told me that as he left the child1 so he left the name1 in my sacred charge1--that he had chosen it for me1--that1 when he was out of sight1 it might help me to have it often on my lips4 8,so there in the sunset and the moonrise1 we two alone together1 he baptized her1 and we gave our little girl to ,god40 ,when she had said this1 she rose and went over to the window1 and stood with her face from me4 ,by and by1 8,it was the fourteenth10 she said1 as if musing to herself1--8the fourteenth of ,june40 ,i remember now that ,uncle ,forceythe died on the fourteenth of ,june4 ,it may have been that the words of that baptismal blessing were the last that they heard1 either child or mother4 ,may #aj4 ,it has been a pleasant day2 the air shines like transparent gold2 the wind sweeps like somebody's strong arms over the flowers1 and gathers up a crowd of perfumes that wander up and down about one4 ,the church bells have rung out like silver all day4 ,those bells--especially the ,second ,advent at the further end of the village--are positively ghastly when it rains4 ,aunt ,winifred was dressed bright and early for church4 ,i1 in morning dress and slippers1 sighed and demurred4 8,auntie1 do you expect to hear anything new80 8,judging from your diagnosis of ,dr4 ,bland1--no40 8,to be edified1 refreshed1 strengthened1 or instructed80 8,perhaps not40 8,bored1 then80 8,not exactly40 8,what do you expect80 8,there are the prayers and singing4 ,generally one can1 if one tries1 wring a little devotion from the worst of them4 ,as to a minister1 if he is good and commonplace1 young and earnest and ignorant1 and ,i1 whom he cannot help one step on the way to ,heaven1 consequently stay at home1 ,deacon ,quirk1 whom he might carry a mile or two1 by and by stays at home also4 ,if there is to be a #8building fitly joined together1' each stone must do its part of the upholding4 ,i feel better to go half a day always4 ,i never compel ,faith to go1 but ,i never have a chance1 for she teases not to be left at home40 8,i think it's splendid to go to church most the time10 put in ,faith1 who was squatted on the carpet1 counting sugared caraway seeds1--8all but the sermon4 ,that isn't splendid4 ,i don't like the gre-at big prayers 'n' things1 ,i like caramary seeds1 though2 mother always gives 'em to me in meeting 'cause ,i'm a good girl4 ,don't you wish you were a good girl1 ,cousin ,mary1 so's you could have some8 ,besides1 ,i've got on my best hat and my button-boots4 ,besides1 there used to be a real funny little boy up in meeting at home1 and he gave me a little tin dorg once over the top the pew4 ,only mother made me give it back4 ,o1 you ought to seen the man that preached down at ,uncle ,calvin's6 ,i tell you he was a bully old minister1--he banged the ,bible like everything60 8,there's a devotional spirit for you60 ,i said to her mother4 8,well10 she answered1 laughing1 8it is better than that she should be left to play dolls and eat preserves1 and be punished for disobedience4 ,sunday would invariably become a guilty sort of holiday at that rate4 ,now1 caraways or #8bully old ministers' notwithstanding1 she carries to bed with her a dim notion that this has been holy time and pleasant time4 ,besides1 the associations of a church-going childhood1 if ,i can manage them genially1 will be a help to her when she is older4 ,come1 ,faith6 go and pull off ,cousin ,mary's slippers1 and bring down her boots1 and then she'll have to go to church4 ,no1 ,i didn't say that you might tickle her feet60 ,feeling the least bit sorry that ,i had set the example of a stay-at-home ,christian before the child1 ,i went directly up stairs to make ready1 and we started after all in good season4 ,dr4 ,bland was in the pulpit4 ,i observed that he looked--as indeed did the congregation bodily--with some curiosity into our slip1 where it has been a rare occurrence of late to find me1 and where the light1 falling through the little stained glass oriel1 touched ,aunt ,winifred's thoughtful smile4 ,i wondered whether ,dr4 ,bland thought it was wicked for people to smile in church4 ,no1 of course he has too much sense4 ,i wonder what it is about ,dr4 ,bland that always suggests such questions4 ,it has been very warm all day1--that aggravating1 unseasonable heat1 which is apt to come in spasms in the early part of ,may1 and which1 in thick spring alpaca and heavy sack1 one finds intolerable4 ,the thermometer stood at #ge on the church porch2 every window was shut1 and everybody's fan was fluttering ,now1 with this sight before him1 what should our observant minister do1 but give out as his first hymn3 8,thine earthly ,sabbaths40 8,thine earthly ,sabbaths0 would be a beautiful hymn1 if it were not for those lines about the weather3-- 8,no midnight shade1 no clouded sun1 ,but sacred1 high1 eternal noon06 ,there was a great hot sunbeam striking directly on my black bonnet4 ,my fan was broken4 ,i gasped for air4 ,the choir went over and over and over the words1 spinning them into one of those indescribable tunes1 in which everybody seems to be trying to get through first4 ,i don't know what they called them1--they always remind me of a game of 8,tag40 ,i looked at ,aunt ,winifred4 ,she took it more coolly than ,i1 but an amused little smile played over her face4 ,she told me after church that she had repeatedly heard that hymn given out at noon of an intense ,july day4 ,her husband1 she said1 used to save it for the winter1 or for cloudy afternoons4 8,using means of grace10 he called that4 ,however1 ,dr4 ,bland did better the second time1 ,aunt ,winifred joined in the singing1 and ,i enjoyed it1 so ,i will not blame the poor man4 ,i suppose he was so far lifted above this earth1 that he would not have known whether he was preaching in ,greenland's icy mountains1 or on ,india's coral strand4 ,when he announced his text1 8,for our conversation is in ,heaven10 ,aunt ,winifred and ,i exchanged glances of content4 ,we had been talking about heaven on the way to church2 at least1 till ,faith1 not finding herself entertained1 interrupted us by some severe speculations as to whether ,maltese kitties were mulattoes1 and 8why the bell-ringer didn't jump off the steeple some night1 and see if he couldn't fly right up1 the way ,elijah did40 ,i listened to ,dr4 ,bland as ,i have not listened for a long time4 ,the subject was of all subjects nearest my heart4 ,he is a scholarly man1 in his way4 ,he ought to know1 ,i thought1 more about it than ,aunt ,winifred4 ,perhaps he could help me4 ,his sermon1 as nearly as ,i can recall it1 was substantially this4 8,the future life presented a vast theme to our speculation4 ,theories #8too numerous to mention1' had been held concerning it4 ,pagans had believed in a coming state of rewards and punishments4 ,what natural theology had dimly foreshadowed1 ,revelation had brought in1 like a full-orbed day1 with healing on its wings40 ,i am not positive about the metaphors4 8,as it was fitting that we should at times turn our thoughts upon the threatenings of ,scripture1 it was eminently suitable also that we should consider its promises4 8,he proposed in this discourse to consider the promise of heaven1 the reward offered by ,christ to his good and faithful servants4 8,in the first place3 ,what is heaven80 ,i am not quite clear in my mind what it was1 though ,i tried my best to find out4 ,as nearly as ,i can recollect1 however1-- 8,heaven is an eternal state4 8,heaven is a state of holiness4 8,heaven is a state of happiness40 ,having heard these observations before1 ,i will not enlarge as he did upon them1 but leave that for the 8vivid imagination0 of the green book4 8,in the second place3 ,what will be the employments of heaven8 8,we shall study the character of ,god4 8,an infinite mind must of necessity be eternally an object of study to a finite mind4 ,the finite mind must of necessity find in such study supreme delight4 ,all lesser joys and interests will pale4 ,he felt at moments1 in reflecting on this theme1 that that good brother who1 on being asked if he expected to see the dead wife of his youth in heaven1 replied1 #8,i expect to be so overwhelmed by the glory of the presence of ,god1 that it may be thousands of years before ,i shall think of my wife1'--he felt that perhaps this brother was near the truth40 ,poor ,mrs4 ,bland looked exceedingly uncomfortable4 8,we shall also glorify ,god40 ,he enlarged upon this division1 but ,i have forgotten exactly how4 ,there was something about adoration1 and the harpers harping with their harps1 and the sea of glass1 and crying1 ,worthy the ,lamb6 and a great deal more that bewildered and disheartened me so that ,i could scarcely listen to it4 ,i do not doubt that we shall glorify ,god primarily and happily1 but can we not do it in some other way than by harping and praying8 8,we shall moreover love each other with a universal and unselfish love40 8,that we shall recognize our friends in heaven1 he was inclined to think1 after mature deliberation1 was probable4 ,but there would be no special selfish affections there4 ,in this world we have enmities and favoritisms4 ,in the world of bliss our hearts would glow with holy love alike to all other holy hearts40 ,i wonder if he really thought that would make 8a world of bliss40 ,aunt ,winifred slipped her hand into mine under her cloak4 ,ah1 ,dr4 ,bland1 if you had known how that little soft touch was preaching against you6 8,in the words of an eminent divine1 who has long since entered into the joys of which he spoke3 #8,thus1 whenever the mind roves through the immense region of heaven1 it will find1 among all its innumerable millions1 not an enemy1 not a stranger1 not an indifferent heart1 not a reserved bosom4 ,disguise here1 and even concealment1 will be unknown4 ,the soul will have no interests to conceal1 no thoughts to disguise4 ,a window will be opened in every breast1 and show to every eye the rich and beautiful furniture within6' 8,thirdly3 ,how shall we fit for heaven80 ,he mentioned several ways1 among which1-- 8,we should subdue our earthly affections to ,god4 8,we must not love the creature as the ,creator4 ,my son1 give me thy heart4 ,when he removes our friends from the scenes of time 7with a glance in my direction71 we should resign ourselves to his will1 remembering that the ,lord gave and the ,lord hath taken away in mercy2 that ,he is all in all2 that ,he will never leave us nor forsake us2 that ,he can never change or die40 ,as if that made any difference with the fact1 that his best treasures change or die6 8,in conclusion1-- 8,we infer from our text that our hearts should not be set upon earthly happiness4 7,enlarged47 8,that the subject of heaven should be often in our thoughts and on our lips40 7,enlarged47 ,of course ,i have not done justice to the filling up of the sermon2 to the illustrations1 metaphors1 proof-texts1 learning1 and eloquence1--for1 though ,dr4 ,bland cannot seem to think outside of the old grooves1 a little eloquence really flashes through the tameness of his style sometimes1 and when he was talking about the harpers1 etc41 some of his words were well chosen4 8,to be drowned in light10 ,i have somewhere read1 8may be very beautiful2 it is still to be drowned40 ,but ,i have given the skeleton of the discourse1 and ,i have given the sum of the impressions that it left on me1 an attentive hearer4 ,it is fortunate that ,i did not hear it while ,i was alone2 it would have made me desperate4 ,going hungry1 hopeless1 blinded1 ,i came back empty1 uncomforted1 groping4 ,i wanted something actual1 something pleasant1 about this place into which ,roy has gone4 ,he gave me glittering generalities1 cold commonplace1 vagueness1 unreality1 a ,god and a future at which ,i sat and shivered4 ,dr4 ,bland is a good man4 ,he had1 ,i know1 written that sermon with prayer4 ,i only wish that he could be made to see how it glides over and sails splendidly away from wants like mine4 ,but thanks be to ,god who has provided a voice to answer me out of the deeps4 ,auntie and ,i walked home without any remarks 7we overheard ,deacon ,quirk observe to a neighbor3 8,that's what ,i call a good gospel sermon1 now6071 sent ,faith away to ,phbe1 sat down in the parlor1 and looked at each other4 8,well80 said ,i4 8,i know it10 said she4 ,upon which we both began to laugh4 8,but did he say the dreadful truth80 8,not as ,i find it in my ,bible40 8,that it is probable1 only probable that we shall recognize--0 8,my child1 do not be troubled about that4 ,it is not probable1 it is sure4 ,if ,i could find no proof for it1 ,i should none the less believe it1 as long as ,i believe in ,god4 ,he gave you ,roy1 and the capacity to love him4 ,he has taught you to sanctify that love through love to ,him4 ,would it be like ,him to create such beautiful and unselfish loves1--most like the love of heaven of any type we know1--just for our threescore years and ten of earth8 ,would it be like ,him to suffer two souls to grow together here1 so that the separation of a day is pain1 and then wrench them apart for all eternity8 ,it would be what ,madame de ,gasparin calls1 #8fearful irony on the part of ,god4'0 8,but there are lost loves4 ,there are lost souls40 8#8,how often would ,i have gathered you1 and ye would not6' ,that is not his work4 ,he would have saved both soul and love4 ,they had their own way4 ,we were speaking of ,his redeemed4 ,the object of having this world at all1 you know1 is to fit us for another4 ,of what use will it have been1 if on passing out of it we must throw by forever its gifts1 its lessons1 its memories8 ,god links things together better than that4 ,be sure1 as you are sure of ,him1 that we shall be ourselves in heaven4 ,would you be yourself not to recognize ,roy8--consequently1 not to love ,roy1 for to love and to be separated is misery1 and heaven is joy40 8,i understand4 ,but you said you had other proof40 8,so ,i have2 plenty of it4 ,if #8many shall come from the ,east and from the ,west1 and shall sit down in the kingdom of ,god with ,abraham1 ,isaac1 and ,jacob1' will they not be likely to know that they are with ,abraham1 ,isaac1 and ,jacob8 or will they think it is ,shadrach1 ,meshech1 and ,abednego8 8,what is meant by such expressions as #8risen together1' #8sitting together at the right hand of ,god1' #8sitting together in heavenly places'8 ,if they mean anything1 they mean recognitions1 friendships1 enjoyments4 8,did not ,peter and the others know ,moses when they saw him8--know ,elias when they saw him8 ,yet these men were dead hundreds of years before the favored fishermen were born4 8,how was it with those #8saints which slept and arose' when ,christ hung dead there in the dark8 ,were they not seen of many80 8,but that was a miracle40 8,they were risen dead1 such as you and ,i shall be some day4 ,the miracle consisted in their rising then and there4 ,moreover1 did not the beggar recognize ,abraham8 and--,well1 one might go through the ,bible finding it full of this promise in hints or assertions1 in parables or visions4 ,we are #8heirs of ,god1' #8joint heirs with ,christ'2 having suffered with ,him1 we shall be #8glorified together4' ,christ himself has said many sure things3 #8,i will come and receive you1 that where ,i am1 there ye may be4' #8,i will that they be with me where ,i am4' ,using1 too1 the very type of ,godhead to signify the eternal nearness and eternal love of just such as you and ,roy as ,john and me1 he prays3 #8,holy ,father1 keep them whom ,thou hast given me1 that they may be one as we are4' 8,there is one place1 though1 where ,i find what ,i like better than all the rest2 you remember that old cry wrung from the lips of the stricken king1--#8,i shall go to him2 but he will not return to me4'0 8,i never thought before how simple and direct it is2 and that1 too1 in those old blinded days40 8,the more ,i study the ,bible10 she said1 8and ,i study not entirely in ignorance of the commentators and the mysteries1 the more perplexed ,i am to imagine where the current ideas of our future come from4 ,they certainly are not in this book of gracious promises4 ,that heaven which we heard about to-day was ,dr4 ,bland's1 not ,god's4 #8,it's aye a wonderfu' thing to me1' as poor ,lauderdale said1 #8the way some preachers take it upon themselves to explain matters to the ,almighty6'0 8,but the harps and choirs1 the throne1 the white robes1 are all in ,revelation4 ,deacon ,quirk would put his great brown finger on the verses1 and hold you there triumphantly40 8,can't people tell picture from substance1 a metaphor from its meaning8 ,that book of ,revelation is precisely what it professes to be1--a vision2 a symbol4 ,a symbol of something1 to be sure1 and rich with pleasant hopes1 but still a symbol4 ,now1 ,i really believe that a large proportion of ,christian church-members1 who have studied their ,bible1 attended ,sabbath schools1 listened to sermons all their lives1 if you could fairly come at their most definite idea of the place where they expect to spend eternity1 would own it to be the golden city1 with pearl gates1 and jewels in the wall4 ,it never occurs to them1 that1 if one picture is literal1 another must be4 ,if we are to walk golden streets1 how can we stand on a sea of glass8 ,how can we #8sit on thrones'8 ,how can untold millions of us #8lie in ,abraham's bosom'8 8,but why have given us empty symbols8 ,why not a little fact80 8,they are not empty symbols4 ,and why ,god did not give us actual descriptions of actual heavenly life1 ,i don't trouble myself to wonder4 ,he certainly had his reasons1 and that is enough for me4 ,i find from these symbols1 and from his voice in my own heart1 many beautiful things1--,i will tell you some more of them at another time1--and1 for the rest1 ,i am content to wait4 ,he loves me1 and he loves mine4 ,as long as we love ,him1 ,he will never separate ,himself from us1 or us from each other4 ,that1 at least1 is sure40 8,if that is sure1 the rest is of less importance2--yes4 ,but ,dr4 ,bland said an awful thing60 8,the quotation from a dead divine80 8,yes4 ,that there will be no separate interests1 no thoughts to conceal40 8,poor good man6 ,he has found out by this time that he should not have laid down nonsense like that1 without qualification or demur1 before a ,bible-reading hearer4 ,it was simply his opinion1 not ,david's1 or ,paul's1 or ,john's1 or ,isaiah's4 ,he had a perfect right to put it in the form of a conjecture4 ,nobody would forbid his conjecturing that the inhabitants of heaven are all deaf and dumb1 or wear green glasses1 or shave their heads1 if he chose1 provided he stated that it was conjecture1 not revelation40 8,but where does the ,bible say that we shall have power to conceal our thoughts8--and ,i would rather be annihilated than to spend eternity with heart laid bare1--the inner temple thrown open to be trampled on by every passing stranger60 8,the ,bible specifies very little about the minor arrangements of eternity in any way4 ,but ,i doubt if1 under any circumstances1 it would have occurred to inspired men to inform us that our thoughts shall continue to be our own4 ,the fact is patent on the face of things4 ,the dead minister's supposition would destroy individuality at one fell swoop4 ,we should be like a man walking down a room lined with mirrors1 who sees himself reflected in all sizes1 colors1 shades1 at all angles and in all proportions1 according to the capacity of the mirror1 till he seems no longer to belong to himself1 but to be cut up into ellipses and octagons and prisms4 ,how soon would he grow frantic in such companionship1 and beg for a corner where he might hide and hush himself in the dark8 8,that we shall in a higher life be able to do what we cannot in this1--judge fairly of each other's moral worth1--is undoubtedly true4 ,whatever the ,judgment ,day may mean1 that is the substance of it4 ,but this promiscuous theory of refraction2--never6 8,besides1 wherever the ,bible touches the subject1 it premises our individuality as a matter of course4 ,what would be the use of talking1 if everybody knew the thoughts of everybody else80 8,you don't suppose that people talk in heaven80 8,i don't suppose anything else4 ,are we to spend ages of joy1 a company of mutes together8 ,why not talk80 8,i supposed we should sing1--but--0 8,why not talk as well as sing8 ,does not song involve the faculty of speech8--unless you would like to make canaries of us40 8,ye-es4 ,why1 yes40 8,there are the visitors at the beautiful ,mount of ,transfiguration again4 ,did not they talk with each other and with ,christ8 ,did not ,john talk with the angel who #8shewed him those things'80 8,and you mean to say--0 8,i mean to say that if there is such a thing as common sense1 you will talk with ,roy as you talked with him here1--only not as you talked with him here1 because there will be no troubles nor sins1 no anxieties nor cares1 to talk about2 no ugly shades of cross words or little quarrels to be made up2 no fearful looking-for of separation40 ,i laid my head upon her shoulder1 and could hardly speak for the comfort that she gave me4 8,yes1 ,i believe we shall talk and laugh and joke and play--0 8,laugh and joke in heaven80 8,why not80 8,but it seems so--so--why1 so wicked and irreverent and all that1 you know40 ,just then ,faith1 who1 mounted out on the kitchen table1 was preaching at ,phbe in comical mimicry of ,dr4 ,bland's choicest intonations1 laughed out like the splash of a little wave4 ,the sound came in at the open door1 and we stopped to listen till it had rippled away4 8,there60 said her mother1 8put that child1 this very minute1 with all her little sins forgiven1 into one of our dear ,lord's many mansions1 and do you suppose that she would be any the less holy or less reverent for a laugh like that8 ,is he going to check all the sparkle and blossom of life when he takes us to himself8 ,i don't believe any such thing4 ,there were both sense and ,christianity in what somebody wrote on the death of a humorous poet3-- #8,does nobody laugh there1 where he has gone1-- ,this man of the smile and the jest8' --provided there was any hope that the poor fellow had gone to heaven2 if not1 it was bad philosophy and worse religion4 ,did not ,david dance before the ,lord with all his might8 ,a ,bible which is full of happy battle-cries3 #8,rejoice in the ,lord6 make a joyful noise unto him6 ,give thanks unto the ,lord1 for his mercy endureth6'--a ,bible which exhausts its splendid wealth of rhetoric to make us understand that the coming life is a life of joy1 no more threatens to make nuns than mutes of us4 ,i expect that you will hear some of ,roy's very old jokes1 see the sparkle in his eye1 listen to his laughing voice1 lighten up the happy days as gleefully as you may choose2 and that--0 ,faith appeared upon the scene just then1 with the interesting information that she had bitten her tongue2 so we talked no more4 ,how pleasant--how pleasant this is6 ,i never supposed before that ,god would let any one laugh in heaven4 ,i wonder if ,roy has seen the ,president4 ,aunt ,winifred says she does not doubt it4 ,she thinks that all the soldiers must have crowded up to meet him1 and 8,o10 she says1 8what a sight to see60 ,,vii4 ,may #abth4 ,aunt ,winifred has said something about going1 but ,i cannot yet bear to hear of such a thing4 ,she is to stay a while longer4 #afth4 ,we have been over to-night to the grave4 ,she proposed to go by herself1 thinking1 ,i saw1 with the delicacy with which she always thinks1 that ,i would rather not be there with another4 ,nor should ,i1 nor could ,i1 with any other than this woman4 ,it is strange4 ,i wished to go there with her4 ,i had a vague1 unreasoning feeling that she would take away some of the bitterness of it1 as she has taken the bitterness of much else4 ,it is looking very pleasant there now4 ,the turf has grown fine and smooth4 ,the low arbor-vit hedge and knots of ,norway spruce1 that father planted long ago for mother1 drop cool1 green shadows that stir with the wind4 ,my ,english ivy has crept about and about the cross4 ,roy used to say that he should fancy a cross to mark the spot where he might lie2 ,i think he would like this pure1 unveined marble4 ,may-flowers cover the grave now1 and steal out among the clover-leaves with a flush like sunrise4 ,by and by there will be roses1 and1 in ,august1 ,august's own white lilies4 ,we went silently over1 and sat silently down on the grass1 the field-path stretching away to the little church behind us1 and beyond1 in front1 the slope1 the flats1 the river1 the hills cut in purple distance melting far into the east4 ,the air was thick with perfume4 ,golden bees hung giddily over the blush in the grass4 ,in the low branches that swept the grave a little bird had built her nest4 ,aunt ,winifred did not speak to me for a time1 nor watch my face4 ,presently she laid her hand upon my lap1 and ,i put mine into it4 8,it is very pleasant here10 she said then1 in her very pleasant voice4 8,i meant that it should be10 ,i answered1 trying not to let her see my lips quiver4 8,at least it must not look neglected4 ,i don't suppose it makes any difference to him40 8,i do not feel sure of that40 8,what do you mean80 8,i do not feel sure that anything he has left makes no #8difference' to him40 8,but ,i don't understand4 ,he is in heaven4 ,he would be too happy to care for anything that is going on in this woful world40 8,perhaps that is so10 she said1 smiling a sweet contradiction to her words1 8but ,i don't believe it40 8,what do you believe80 8,many things that ,i have to say to you1 but you cannot bear them now40 8,i have sometimes wondered1 for ,i cannot help it10 ,i said1 8whether he is shut off from all knowledge of me for all these years till ,i can go to him4 ,it will be a great while4 ,it seems hard4 ,roy would want to know something1 if it were only a little1 about me40 8,i believe that he wants to know1 and that he knows1 ,mary2 though1 since the belief must rest on analogy and conjecture1 you need not accept it as demonstrated mathematics10 she answered1 with another smile4 8,roy never forgot me here60 ,i said1 not meaning to sob4 8,that is just it4 ,he was not constituted so that he1 remaining himself1 ,roy1 could forget you4 ,if he goes out into this other life forgetting1 he becomes another than himself4 ,that is a far more unnatural way of creeping out of the difficulty than to assume that he loves and remembers4 ,why not assume that8 ,in fact1 why assume anything else8 ,neither reason1 nor the ,bible1 nor common sense1 forbids it4 ,instead of starting with it as an hypothesis to be proved if we can1 ,i lay it down as one of those probabilities for which ,butler would say1 #8the presumption amounts nearly to certainty'2 and if any one can disprove it1 ,i will hear what he has to say4 ,there60 she broke off1 laughing softly1 8that is a sufficient dose of metaphysics for such a simple thing4 ,it seems to me to lie just here3 ,roy loved you4 ,our ,father1 for some tender1 hidden reason1 took him out of your sight for a while4 ,though changed much1 he can have forgotten nothing4 ,being only out of sight1 you remember1 not lost1 nor asleep1 nor annihilated1 he goes on loving4 ,to love must mean to think of1 to care for1 to hope for1 to pray for1 not less out of a body than in it40 8,but that must mean--why1 that must mean--0 8,that he is near you4 ,i do not doubt it40 ,the sunshine quivered in among the ivy-leaves1 and ,i turned to watch it1 thinking4 8,i do not doubt10 she went on1 speaking low1--8,i cannot doubt that our absent dead are very present with us4 ,he said1 #8,i am with you alway1' knowing the need we have of him1 even to the end of the world4 ,he must understand the need we have of them4 ,i cannot doubt it40 ,i watched her as she sat with her absent eyes turned eastward1 and her peculiar look--,i have never seen it on another face--as of one who holds a happy secret2 and while ,i watched ,i wondered4 8,there is a reason for it10 she said1 rousing as if from a pleasant dream1--8a good sensible reason1 too1 it strikes me1 independent of ,scriptural or other proof40 8,what is that80 8,that ,god keeps us briskly at work in this world40 ,i did not understand4 8,altogether too briskly1 considering that it is a preparative world1 to intend to put us from it into an idle one4 ,what more natural than that we shall spend our best energies as we spent them here1--in comforting1 teaching1 helping1 saving people whose very souls we love better than our own8 ,in fact1 it would be very unnatural if we did not40 8,but ,i thought that ,god took care of us1 and angels1 like ,gabriel and the rest1 if ,i ever thought anything about it1 which ,i am inclined to doubt40 8#8,god works by the use of means1' as the preachers say4 ,why not use ,roy as well as ,gabriel8 ,what archangel could understand and reach the peculiarities of your nature as he could8 or1 even if understanding1 could so love and bear with you8 ,what is to be done8 ,will they send ,roy to the planet ,jupiter to take care of somebody else's sister80 ,i laughed in spite of myself2 nor did the laugh seem to jar upon the sacred stillness of the place4 ,her words were drawing away the bitterness1 as the sun was blotting the dull1 dead greens of the ivy into its glow of golden color4 8,but the ,bible1 ,aunt ,winifred40 8,the ,bible does not say a great deal on this point10 she said1 8but it does not contradict me4 ,in fact1 it helps me2 and1 moreover1 it would uphold me in black and white if it weren't for one little obstacle40 8,and that80 8,that frowning #8original ,greek1' which ,gail ,hamilton denounces with her righteous indignation4 ,no sooner do ,i find a pretty verse that is exactly what ,i want1 than up hops a commentator1 and says1 this isn't according to text1 and means something entirely different2 and ,barnes says this1 and ,stuart believes that1 and ,olshausen has demonstrated the other1 and very ignorant it is in you1 too1 not to know it6 ,here the other day ,i ferreted out a sentence in ,revelation that seemed to prove beyond question that angels and redeemed men were the same2 where the angel says to ,john1 you know1 #8,am ,i not of thy brethren the prophets8' ,i thought that ,i had discovered a delightful thing which all the ,fathers of the church had overlooked1 and went in great glee to your ,uncle ,calvin1 to be told that something was the matter1--a noun left out1 or some other unanswerable and unreasonable horror1 ,i don't know what2 and that it didn't mean that he was of thy brethren the prophets at all6 8,you see1 if it could be proved that the ,christian dead become angels1 we could have all that we need1 direct from ,god1 about--to use the beautiful old phrase--the communion of saints4 ,from ,genesis to ,revelation the ,bible is filled with angels who are at work on earth4 ,they hold sweet converse with ,abraham in his tent4 ,they are intrusted to save the soul of ,lot4 ,an angel hears the wail of ,hagar4 ,the beautiful feet of an angel bring the good tidings to maiden ,mary4 ,an angel's noiseless step guides ,peter through the barred and bolted gate4 ,angels rolled the stone from the buried ,christ1 and angels sat there in the solemn morning1--,o ,mary6 if we could have seen them6 8,then there is that one question1 direct1 comprehensive1--we should not need anything else1--#8,are they not all ministering spirits1 sent forth to minister to the heirs of salvation8' 8,but you see it never seems to have entered those commentators' heads that all these beautiful things refer to any but a superior race of beings1 like those from whose ranks ,lucifer fell40 8,how stupid in them60 8,i take comfort in thinking so2 but1 to be serious1 even admitting that these passages refer to a superior race1 must there not be some similarity in the laws which govern existence in the heavenly world8 ,since these gracious deeds are performed by what we are accustomed to call #8spiritual beings1' why may they not as well be done by people from this world as from anywhere else8 ,besides1 there is another point1 and a reasonable one1 to be made4 ,the word angel in the original,a means1 strictly1 a messenger4 ,it applies to any servant of ,god1 animate or inanimate4 ,an east wind is as much an angel as ,michael4 ,again1 the generic terms1 #8spirits1' #8gods1' #8sons of ,god1' are used interchangeably for saints and for angels4 ,so1 you see1 ,i fancy that ,i find a way for you and ,roy and me and all of us1 straight into the shining ministry4 ,mary1 ,mary1 wouldn't you like to go this very afternoon80 ,a 4 ,she lay back in the grass1 with her face up-turned to the sky1 and drew a long breath1 wearily4 ,i do not think she meant me to hear it4 ,i did not answer her1 for it came over me with such a hopeless thrill1 how good it would be to be taken to ,roy1 there by his beautiful grave1 with the ivy and the ,may-flowers and the sunlight and the clover-leaves round about2 and that it could not be1 and how long it was to wait1--it came over me so that ,i could not speak4 8,there60 she said1 suddenly rousing1 8what a thoughtless1 wicked thing it was to say6 ,and ,i meant to give you only the good cheer of a cheery friend4 ,no1 ,i do not care to go this afternoon1 nor any afternoon1 till my ,father is ready for me4 ,wherever he has most for me to do1 there ,i wish1--yes1 ,i think ,i wish to stay4 ,he knows best40 ,after a pause1 ,i asked again1 8,why did ,he not tell us more about this thing1--about their presence with us8 ,you see if ,i could know it60 8,the mystery of the ,bible lies not so much in what it says1 as in what it does not say10 she replied4 8,but ,i suppose that we have been told all that we can comprehend in this world4 ,knowledge on one point might involve knowledge on another1 like the links of a chain1 till it stretched far beyond our capacity4 ,at any rate1 it is not for me to break the silence4 ,that is ,god's affair4 ,i can only accept the fact4 ,nevertheless1 as ,dr4 ,chalmers says3 #8,it were well for us all could we carefully draw the line between the secret things which belong to ,god and the things which are revealed and belong to us and to our children4' ,some one else1--,whately1 ,i think1--,i remember to have noticed as speaking about these very subjects to this effect1--that precisely because we know so little of them1 it is the more important that we #8should endeavor so to dwell on them as to make the most of what little knowledge we have4'0 8,aunt ,winifred1 you are such a comfort60 8,it needs our best faith10 she said1 8to bear this reticence of ,god4 ,i cannot help thinking sometimes of a thing ,lauderdale said1--,i am always quoting him1--from #8,son of the ,soil1' you remember3 #8,it's an awfu' marvel1 beyond my reach1 when a word of communication would make a' the difference1 why it's no permitted1 if it were but to keep a heart from breaking now and then4' ,think of poor ,eugnie de ,gurin1 trying to continue her little journal #8,to ,maurice in ,heaven1' till the awful1 answerless stillness shut up the book and laid aside the pen4 8,but then10 she continued1 8there is this to remember1--,i may have borrowed the idea1 or it may be my own1--that if we could speak to them1 or they to us1 there would be no death1 for there would be no separation4 ,the last1 the surest1 in some cases the only test of loyalty to ,god1 would thus be taken away4 ,roman ,catholic nature is human nature1 when it comes upon its knees before a saint4 ,many lives--all such lives as yours and mine--would become--0 8,would become what80 8,one long defiance to the ,first ,commandment40 ,i cannot become used to such words from such quiet lips4 ,yet they give me a curious sense of the trustworthiness of her peace4 8,founded upon a rock10 it seems to be4 ,she has done what it takes a lifetime for some of us to do2 what some of us go into eternity1 leaving undone2 what ,i am afraid ,i shall never do1--sounded her own nature4 ,she knows the worst of herself1 and faces it as fairly1 ,i believe1 as anybody can do in this world4 ,as for the best of herself1 she trusts that to ,christ1 and he knows it1 and we4 ,i hope she1 in her sweet humbleness1 will know it some day4 8,i suppose1 nevertheless10 she said1 8that ,roy knows what you are doing and feeling as well as1 perhaps better than1 he knew it three months ago4 ,so he can help you without harming you40 ,i asked her1 turning suddenly1 how that could be1 and yet heaven be heaven1--how he could see me suffer what ,i had suffered1 could see me sometimes when ,i supposed none but ,god had seen me1--and sing on and be happy4 8,you are not the first1 ,mary1 and you will not be the last1 to ask that question4 ,i cannot answer it1 and ,i never heard of any who could4 ,i feel sure only of this1--that he would suffer far less to see you than to know nothing about you2 and that ,god's power of inventing happiness is not to be blocked by an obstacle like this4 ,perhaps ,roy sees the end from the beginning1 and can bear the sight of pain for the peace that he watches coming to meet you4 ,i do not know1--that does not perplex me now2 it only makes me anxious for one thing40 8,what is that80 8,that you and ,i shall not do anything to make them sorry40 8,to make them sorry80 8,roy would care4 ,roy would be disappointed to see you make life a hopeless thing for his sake1 or to see you doubt his ,saviour40 8,do you think that80 8,some sort of mourning over sin enters that happy life4 ,god himself #8was grieved' forty years long over his wandering people4 ,among the angels there has been #8silence1' whatever that mysterious pause may mean1 just as there is joy over one sinner that repenteth2 another of my proof-texts that1 to show that they are allowed to keep us in sight40 8,then you think1 you really think1 that ,roy remembers and loves and takes care of me2 that he has been listening1 perhaps1 and is--why1 you don't think he may be here80 8,yes1 ,i do4 ,here1 close beside you all this time1 trying to speak to you through the blessed sunshine and the flowers1 trying to help you1 and sure to love you1--right here1 dear4 ,i do not believe ,god means to send him away from you1 either40 ,my heart was too full to answer her4 ,seeing how it was1 she slipped away1 and1 strolling out of sight with her face to the eastern hills1 left me alone4 ,and yet ,i did not seem alone4 ,the low branches swept with a little soft sigh across the grave2 the ,may-flowers wrapped me in with fragrance thick as incense2 the tiny sparrow turned her soft eyes at me over the edge of the nest1 and chirped contentedly2 the 8blessed sunshine0 talked with me as it touched the edges of the ivy-leaves to fire4 ,i cannot write it even here1 how these things stole into my heart and hushed me4 ,if ,i had seen him standing by the stainless cross1 it would not have frightened or surprised me4 ,there--not dead or gone1 but there--it helps me1 and makes me strong6 8,mamie6 little ,mamie60 ,o ,roy1 ,i will try to bear it all1 if you will only stay6 ,,viii4 ,may #bj4 ,the nearer the time has come for ,aunt ,winifred to go1 the more it has seemed impossible to part with her4 ,i have run away from the thought like a craven1 till she made me face it this morning1 by saying decidedly that she should go on the first of the week4 ,i dropped my sewing2 the work-basket tipped over1 and all my spools rolled away under the chairs4 ,i had a little time to think while ,i was picking them up4 8,there is the rest of my visit at ,norwich to be made1 you know10 she said1 8and while ,i am there ,i shall form some definite plans for the summer2 ,i have hardly decided what1 yet4 ,i had better leave here by the seven o'clock train1 if such an early start will not incommode you40 ,i wound up the last spool1 and turned away to the window4 ,there was a confused1 dreary sky of scurrying clouds1 and a cold wind was bruising the apple-buds4 ,i hate a cold wind in ,may4 ,it made me choke a little1 thinking how ,i should sit and listen to it after she was gone1--of the old1 blank1 comfortless days that must come and go1--of what she had brought1 and what she would take away4 ,i was a bit faint1 ,i think1 for a minute4 ,i had not really thought the prospect through1 before4 8,mary10 she said1 8what's the matter8 ,come here40 ,i went over1 and she drew me into her lap1 and ,i put my arms about her neck4 8,i can not bear it10 said ,i1 8and that is the matter40 ,she smiled1 but her smile faded when she looked at me4 ,and then ,i told her1 sobbing1 how it was2 that ,i could not go into my future alone1--,i could not do it6 that she did not know how weak ,i was1--and reckless1--and wicked2 that she did not know what she had been to me4 ,i begged her not to leave me4 ,i begged her to stay and help me bear my life4 8,my dear6 you are as bad as ,faith when ,i put her to bed alone40 8,but10 ,i said1 8when ,faith cries1 you go to her1 you know40 8,are you quite in earnest1 ,mary80 she asked1 after a pause4 8,you don't know very much about me1 after all1 and there is the child4 ,it is always an experiment1 bringing two families into lifelong relations under one roof4 ,if ,i could think it best1 you might repent your bargain40 8,i am not #8a family1'0 ,i said1 feebly trying to laugh4 8,aunt ,winifred1 if you and ,faith only will make this your home1 ,i can never thank you1 never4 ,i shall be entertaining my good angels1 and that is the whole of it40 8,i have had some thought of not going back10 she said at last1 in a low1 constrained voice1 as if she were touching something that gave her great pain1 8for ,faith's sake4 ,i should like to educate her in ,new ,england1 if--,i had intended if we stayed to rent or buy a little home of our own somewhere1 but ,i had been putting off a decision4 ,we are most weak and most selfish sometimes when we think ourselves strongest and noblest1 ,mary4 ,i love my husband's people4 ,i think they love me4 ,i was almost happy with them4 ,it seemed as if ,i were carrying on his work for him4 ,that was so pleasant60 ,she put me down out of her arms and walked across the room4 8,i will think the matter over10 she said1 by and by1 in her natural tones1 8and let you know to-night40 ,she went away up stairs then1 and ,i did not see her again until to-night4 ,i sent ,faith up with her dinner and tea1 judging that she would rather see the child than me4 ,i observed1 when the dishes came down1 that she had touched nothing but a cup of coffee4 ,i began to understand1 as ,i sat alone in the parlor through the afternoon1 how much ,i had asked of her4 ,in my selfish distress at losing her1 ,i had not thought of that4 ,faces that her husband loved1 meadows and hills and sunsets that he has watched1 the home where his last step sounded and his last word was spoken1 the grave where she has laid him1--this last more than all1--call after her1 and cling to her with yearning closeness4 ,to leave them1 is to leave the last faint shadow of her beautiful past4 ,it hurts1 but she is too brave to cry out4 ,tea was over1 and ,faith in bed1 but still she did not come down4 ,i was sitting by the window1 watching a little crescent moon climb over the hills1 and wondering whether ,i had better go up1 when she came in and stood behind me1 and said1 attempting to laugh3-- 8,very impolite in me to run off so1 wasn't it8 ,cowardly1 too1 ,i think4 ,well1 ,mary80 8,well1 ,auntie80 8,have you not repented your proposition yet80 8,you would excel as an inquisitor1 ,mrs4 ,forceythe60 8,then it shall be as you say2 as long as you want us you shall have us1--,faith and me40 ,i turned to thank her1 but could not when ,i saw her face4 ,it was very pale2 there was something inexpressibly sad about her mouth1 and her eyelids drooped heavily1 like one weary from a great struggle4 ,feeling for the moment guilty and ashamed before her1 as if ,i had done her wrong1 8,it is going to be very hard for you10 ,i said4 8,never mind about that10 she answered1 quickly4 8,we will not talk about that4 ,i knew1 though ,i did not wish to know1 that it was best for ,faith4 ,your hands about my neck have settled it4 ,where the work is1 there the laborer must be4 ,it is quite plain now4 ,i have been talking it over with them all the afternoon2 it seems to be what they want40 8,with them08 ,i started at the words2 who had been in her lonely chamber8 ,ah1 it is simply real to her4 ,who1 indeed1 but her ,saviour and her husband8 ,she did not seem inclined to talk1 and stole away from me presently1 and out of doors2 she was wrapped in her blanket shawl1 and had thrown a shimmering white hood over her gray hair4 ,i wondered where she could be going1 and sat still at the window watching her4 ,she opened and shut the gate softly2 and1 turning her face towards the churchyard1 walked up the street and out of my sight4 ,she feels nearer to him in the resting-place of the dead4 ,her heart cries after the grave by which she will never sit and weep again2 on which she will never plant the roses any more4 ,as ,i sat watching and thinking this1 the faint light struck her slight figure and little shimmering hood again1 and she walked down the street and in with steady step4 ,when she came up and stood beside me1 smiling1 with the light knitted thing thrown back on her shoulders1 her face seemed to rise from it as from a snowy cloud2 and for her look1--,i wish ,raphael could have had it for one of his rapt ,madonnas4 8,now1 ,mary10 she said1 with the sparkle back again in her voice1 8,i am ready to be entertaining1 and promise not to play the hermit again very soon4 ,shall ,i sit here on the sofa with you8 ,yes1 my dear1 ,i am happy1 quite happy40 ,so then we took this new promise of home that has come to make my life1 if not joyful1 something less than desolate1 and analyzed it in its practical bearings4 ,what a pity that all pretty dreams have to be analyzed6 ,i had some notion about throwing our little incomes into a joint family fund1 but she put a veto to that2 ,i suppose because mine is the larger4 ,she prefers to take board for herself and ,faith2 but1 if ,i know myself1 she shall never be suffered to have the feeling of a boarder1 and ,i will make her so much at home in my house that she shall not remember that it is not her own4 ,her visit to ,norwich she has decided to put off until the autumn1 so that ,i shall have her to myself undisturbed all summer4 ,i have been looking at ,roy's picture a long time1 and wondering how he would like the new plan4 ,i said something of the sort to her4 8,why put any #8would' in that sentence80 she said1 smiling4 8,it belongs in the present tense40 8,then ,i am sure he likes it10 ,i answered1--8he likes it10 and ,i said the words over till ,i was ready to cry for rest in their sweet sound4 #bb;d4 ,it is ,roy's birthday4 ,but ,i have not spoken of it4 ,we used to make a great deal of these little festivals1--but it is of no use to write about that4 ,i am afraid ,i have been bearing it very badly all day4 ,she noticed my face1 but said nothing till to-night4 ,mrs4 ,bland was down stairs1 and ,i had come away alone up here in the dark4 ,i heard her asking for me1 but would not go down4 ,by and by ,aunt ,winifred knocked1 and ,i let her in4 8,mrs4 ,bland cannot understand why you don't see her1 ,mary10 she said1 gently4 8,you know you have not thanked her for those ,english violets that she sent the other day4 ,i only thought ,i would remind you2 she might feel a little pained40 8,i can't to-night1--not to-night1 ,aunt ,winifred4 ,you must excuse me to her somehow4 ,i don't want to go down40 8,is it that you don't #8want to1' or is it that you can't80 she said1 in that gentle1 motherly way of hers1 at which ,i can never take offence4 8,mary1 ,i wonder if ,roy would not a little rather that you would go down80 ,it might have been ,roy himself who spoke4 ,i went down4 ,,ix4 ,june #a4 ,aunt ,winifred went to the office this morning1 and met ,dr4 ,bland1 who walked home with her4 ,he always likes to talk with her4 ,a woman who knows something about fate1 free-will1 and foreknowledge absolute1 who is not ignorant of politics1 and talks intelligently of ,agassiz's latest fossil1 who can understand a ,german quotation1 and has heard of ,strauss and ,neander1 who can dash her sprightliness ably against his old dry bones of metaphysics and theology1 yet never speak an accent above that essentially womanly voice of hers1 is1 ,i imagine1 a phenomenon in his social experience4 ,i was sitting at the window when they came up and stopped at the gate4 ,dr4 ,bland lifted his hat to me in his grave way1 talking the while2 somewhat eagerly1 too1 ,i could see4 ,aunt ,winifred answered him with a peculiar smile and a few low words that ,i could not hear4 8,but1 my dear madam10 he said1 8the glory of ,god1 you see1 the glory of ,god is the primary consideration40 8,but the glory of ,god involves these lesser glories1 as a sidereal system1 though a splendid whole1 exists by the multiplied differing of one star from another star4 ,ah1 ,dr4 ,bland1 you make a grand abstraction out of it1 but it makes me cold10--she shivered1 half playfully1 half involuntarily1--8it makes me cold4 ,i am very much alive and human2 and ,christ was human ,god40 ,she came in smiling a little sadly1 and stood by me1 watching the minister walk over the hill4 8,how much does that man love his wife and children80 she asked abruptly4 8,a good deal4 ,why80 8,i am afraid that he will lose one of them then1 before many more years of his life are past40 8,what6 he hasn't been telling you that they are consumptive or anything of the sort80 8,o dear me1 no10 with a merry laugh which died quickly away3 8,i was only thinking1--there is trouble in store for him2 some intense pain1--if he is capable of intense pain1--which shall shake his cold1 smooth theorizing to the foundation4 ,he speaks a foreign tongue when he talks of bereavement1 of death1 of the future life4 ,no argument could convince him of that1 though1 which is the worst of it40 8,he must think you shockingly heterodox40 8,i don't doubt it4 ,we had a little talk this morning1 and he regarded me with an expression of mingled consternation and perplexity that was curious4 ,he is a very good man4 ,he is not a stupid man4 ,i only wish that he would stop preaching and teaching things that he knows nothing about4 8,he is only drifting with the tide1 though10 she added1 8in his views of this matter4 ,in our recoil from the materialism of the ,romish ,church1 we have1 it seems to me1 nearly stranded ourselves on the opposite shore4 ,just as1 in a rebound from the spirit which would put our ,saviour on a level with ,buddha or ,mahomet1 we have been in danger of forgetting #8to begin as the ,bible begins1' with his humanity4 ,it is the grandeur of inspiration1 that it knows how to balance truth40 ,it had been in my mind for several days to ask ,aunt ,winifred something1 and1 feeling in the mood1 ,i made her take off her things and devote herself to me4 ,my question concerned what we call the 8intermediate state40 8,i have been expecting that10 she said2 8what about it80 8,what is it80 8,life and activity40 8,we do not go to sleep1 of course40 8,i believe that notion is about exploded1 though clear thinkers like ,whately have appeared to advocate it4 ,where it originated1 ,i do not know1 unless from the frequent comparisons in the ,scriptures of death with sleep1 which refer solely1 ,i am convinced1 to the condition of body1 and which are voted down by an overwhelming majority of decided statements relative to the consciousness1 happiness1 and tangibility of the life into which we immediately pass40 8,it is intermediate1 in some sense1 ,i suppose40 8,it waits between two other conditions1--yes2 ,i think the drift of what we are taught about it leads to that conclusion4 ,i expect to become at once sinless1 but to have a broader ,christian character many years hence2 to be happy at once1 but to be happier by and by2 to find in myself wonderful new tastes and capacities1 which are to be immeasurably ennobled and enlarged after the ,resurrection1 whatever that may mean40 8,what does it mean80 8,i know no more than you1 but you shall hear what ,i think1 presently4 ,i was going to say that this seems to be plain enough in the ,bible4 ,the angels took ,lazarus at once to ,abraham4 ,dives seems to have found no interval between death and consciousness of suffering40 8,they always tell you that that is only a parable40 8,but it must mean something4 ,no story in the ,bible has been pulled to pieces and twisted about as that has been4 ,we are in danger of pulling and twisting all sense out of it4 ,then ,judas1 having hanged his wretched self1 went to his own place4 ,besides1 there was ,christ's promise to the thief40 ,i told her that ,i had heard ,dr4 ,bland say that we could not place much dependence on that passage1 because 8,paradise0 did not necessarily mean heaven4 8,but it meant living1 thinking1 enjoying2 for #8,to-day thou shalt be with me4' ,paul's beautiful perplexed revery1 however1 would be enough if it stood alone2 for he did not know whether he would rather stay in this world1 or depart and be with ,christ1 which is far better4 ,with ,christ1 you see2 and ,his three mysterious days1 which typify our intermediate state1 were over then1 and he had ascended to his ,father4 ,would it be #8far better' either to leave this actual tangible life throbbing with hopes and passions1 to leave its busy1 ,christ-like working1 its quiet joys1 its very sorrows which are near and human1 for a nap of several ages1 or even for a vague1 lazy1 half-alive1 disembodied existence80 8,disembodied8 ,i supposed1 of course1 that it was disembodied40 8,i do not think so4 ,and that brings us to the ,resurrection4 ,all the tendency of ,revelation is to show that an embodied state is superior to a disembodied one4 ,yet certainly we who love ,god are promised that death will lead us into a condition which shall have the advantage of this3 for the good apostle to die #8was gain4' ,i don't believe1 for instance1 that ,adam and ,eve have been wandering about in a misty condition all these thousands of years4 ,i suspect that we have some sort of body immediately after passing out of this1 but that there is to come a mysterious change1 equivalent1 perhaps1 to a re-embodiment1 when our capacities for action will be greatly improved1 and that in some manner this new form will be connected with this #8garment by the soul laid by4'0 8,deacon ,quirk expects to rise in his own entire1 original body1 after it has lain in the ,first ,church cemetery a proper number of years1 under a black slate headstone1 adorned by a willow1 and such a #8cherubim' as that poor boy shot1--by the way1 if ,i've laughed at that story once1 ,i have fifty times40 8,perhaps ,deacon ,quirk would admire a work of art that ,i found stowed away on the top of your ,uncle ,calvin's bookcases4 ,it was an old woodcut--nobody knows how old--of an interesting skeleton rising from his grave1 and1 in a sprightly and modest manner1 drawing on his skin1 while ,gabriel1 with apoplectic cheeks1 feet uppermost in the air1 was blowing a good-sized tin trumpet in his ear6 8,no2 some of the popular notions of resurrection are simple physiological impossibilities1 from causes #8too tedious to specify4' ,imagine1 for instance1 the resurrection of two ,hottentots1 one of whom has happened to make a dinner of the other some fine day4 ,a little complication there6 ,or picture the touching scene1 when that devoted husband1 ,king ,mausolas1 whose widow had him burned and ate the ashes1 should feel moved to institute a search for his body6 ,it is no wonder that the infidel argument has the best of it1 when we attempt to enforce a natural impossibility4 ,it is worth while to remember that ,paul expressly stated that we shall not rise in our entire earthly bodies4 ,the simile which he used is the seed sown1 dying in1 and mingling with1 the ground4 ,how many of its original particles are found in the full-grown corn80 8,yet you believe that something belonging to this body is preserved for the completion of another80 8,certainly4 ,i accept ,god's statement about it1 which is as plain as words can make a statement4 ,i do not know1 and ,i do not care to know1 how it is to be effected4 ,god will not be at a loss for a way1 any more than he is at a loss for a way to make his fields blossom every spring4 ,for aught we know1 some invisible compound of an annihilated body may hover1 by a divine decree1 around the site of death till it is wanted1--sufficient to preserve identity as strictly as a body can ever be said to preserve it2 and stranger things have happened4 ,you remember the old ,mohammedan belief in the one little bone which is imperishable4 ,prof4 ,bush's idea of our triune existence is suggestive1 for a notion4 ,he believed1 you know1 that it takes a material body1 a spiritual body1 and a soul1 to make a man4 ,the spiritual body is enclosed within the material1 the soul within the spiritual4 ,death is simply the slipping off of the outer body1 as a husk slips off from its kernel4 ,the deathless frame stands ready then for the soul's untrammelled occupation4 ,but it is a waste of time to speculate over such useless fancies1 while so many remain that will vitally affect our happiness40 ,it is singular2 but ,i never gave a serious thought--and ,i have done some thinking about other matters--to my heavenly body1 till that moment1 while ,i sat listening to her4 ,in fact1 till ,roy went1 the ,future was a miserable1 mysterious blank1 to be drawn on and on in eternal and joyless monotony1 and to which1 at times1 annihilation seemed preferable4 ,i remember1 when ,i was a child1 asking father once1 if ,i were so good that ,i had to go to heaven1 whether1 after a hundred years1 ,god would not let me 8die out40 ,more or less of the disposition of that same desperate little sinner ,i suspect has always clung to me4 ,so ,i asked ,aunt ,winifred1 in some perplexity1 what she supposed our bodies would be like4 8,it must be nearly all #8suppose1'0 she said1 8for we are nowhere definitely told4 ,but this is certain4 ,they will be as real as these40 8,but these you can see1 you can touch40 8,what would be the use of having a body that you can't see and touch8 ,a body is a body1 not a spirit4 ,why should you not1 having seen ,roy's old smile and heard his own voice1 clasp his hand again1 and feel his kiss on your happy lips8 8,it is really amusing10 she continued1 8to sum up the notions that good people--excellent people--even thinking people--have of the heavenly body4 ,vague visions of floating about in the clouds1 of balancing--with a white robe on1 perhaps--in stiff rows about a throne1 like the angels in the old pictures1 converging to an apex1 or ranged in semi-circles like so many marbles4 ,murillo has one charming exception4 ,i always take a secret delight in that little cherub of his1 kicking the clouds1 in the right-hand upper corner of the ,immaculate ,conception2 he seems to be having a good time of it1 in genuine baby-fashion4 ,the truth is1 that the ordinary idea1 if sifted accurately1 reduces our eternal personality to--gas4 8,isaac ,taylor holds1 that1 as far as the abstract idea of spirit is concerned1 it may just as reasonably be granite as ether4 8,mrs4 ,charles says a pretty thing about this4 ,she thinks these #8super-spiritualized angels' very #8unsatisfactory' beings1 and that #8the heart returns with loving obstinacy to the young men in long white garments' who sat waiting in the sepulchre4 8,here again ,i cling to my conjecture about the word #8angel'2 for then we should learn emphatically something about our future selves4 8#8,as the angels in heaven1' or #8equal unto the angels1' we are told in another place1--that may mean simply what it says4 ,at least1 if we are to resemble them in the particular respect of which the words were spoken1--and that one of the most important which could well be selected1--it is not unreasonable to infer that we shall resemble them in others4 #8,in the ,resurrection1' by the way1 means1 in that connection and in many others1 simply future state of existence1 without any reference to the time at which the great bodily change is to come4 8#8,but this is a digression1' as the novelists say4 ,i was going to say1 that it bewilders me to conjecture where students of the ,bible have discovered the usual foggy nonsense about the corporeity of heaven4 8,if there is anything laid down in plain statement1 devoid of metaphor or parable1 simple and unequivocal1 it is the definite contradiction of all that4 ,paul1 in his preface to that sublime apostrophe to death1 repeats and reiterates it1 lest we should make a mistake in his meaning4 8#8,there are celestial bodies4' #8,it is raised a spiritual body4' #8,there is a spiritual body4' #8,it is raised in incorruption4' #8,it is raised in glory4' #8,it is raised in power4' ,moses1 too1 when he came to the transfigured mount in glory1 had as real a body as when he went into the lonely mount to die40 8,but they will be different from these80 8,the glory of the terrestrial is one1 the glory of the celestial another4 ,take away sin and sickness and misery1 and that of itself would make difference enough40 8,you do not suppose that we shall look as we look now80 8,i certainly do4 ,at least1 ,i think it more than possible that the #8human form divine1' or something like it1 is to be retained4 ,not only from the fact that risen ,elijah bore it2 and ,moses1 who1 if he had not passed through his resurrection1 does not seem to have looked different from the other1--,i have to use those two poor prophets on all occasions1 but1 as we are told of them neither by parable nor picture1 they are important1--and that angels never appeared in any other1 but because1 in sinless ,eden1 ,god chose it for ,adam and ,eve4 ,what came in unmarred beauty direct from ,his hand cannot be unworthy of ,his other ,paradise #8beyond the stars4' ,it would chime in pleasantly1 too1 with the idea of ,redemption1 that our very bodies1 free from all the distortion of guilt1 shall return to something akin to the pure ideal in which ,he moulded them4 ,then there is another reason1 and stronger40 8,what is that80 8,the human form has been borne and dignified forever by ,christ4 ,and1 further than that1 ,he ascended to ,his ,father in it1 and lives there in it as human ,god to-day40 ,i had never thought of that1 and said so4 8,yes1 with the very feet which trod the dusty road to ,emmaus2 the very wounded hands which ,thomas touched1 believing2 the very lips which ate of the broiled fish and honeycomb2 the very voice which murmured #8,mary6' in the garden1 and which told her that ,he ascended unto ,his ,father and her ,father1 to ,his ,god and her ,god1 ,he #8was parted from them1' and was #8received up into heaven4' ,his death and resurrection stand forever the great prototype of ours4 ,otherwise1 what is the meaning of such statements as these3 #8,when ,he shall appear1 we shall be like ,him'2 #8,the first man 7,adam7 is of the earth2 the second man is the ,lord4 ,as we have borne the image of the earthy1 we shall also bear the image of the heavenly'8 ,and what of this1 when we are told that our #8vile bodies1' being changed1 shall be fashioned #8like unto ,his glorious body'80 ,i asked her if she inferred from that1 that we should have just such bodies as the freedom from pain and sin would make of these4 8,flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom10 she said4 8,there is no escaping that1 even if ,i had the smallest desire to escape it1 which ,i have not4 ,whatever is essentially earthly and temporary in the arrangements of this world will be out of place and unnecessary there4 ,earthly and temporary1 flesh and blood certainly are40 8,christ said1 #8,a spirit hath not flesh and bones1 as ye see me have4'0 8,a spirit hath not2 and who ever said that it did8 ,his body had something that appeared like them1 certainly4 ,that passage1 by the way1 has led some ingenious writer on the ,chemistry of ,heaven to infer that our bodies there will be like these1 minus blood6 ,i don't propose to spend my time over such investigations4 ,summing up the meaning of the story of those last days before the ,ascension1 and granting the shade of mystery which hangs over them1 ,i gather this1--that the spiritual body is real1 is tangible1 is visible1 is human1 but that #8we shall be changed4' ,some indefinable but thorough change had come over ,him4 ,he could withdraw ,himself from the recognition of ,mary1 and from the disciples1 whose #8eyes were holden1' as it pleased ,him4 ,he came and went through barred and bolted doors4 ,he appeared suddenly in a certain place1 without sound of footstep or flutter of garment to announce ,his approach4 ,he vanished1 and was not1 like a cloud4 ,new and wonderful powers had been given to ,him1 of which1 probably1 ,his little bewildered group of friends saw but a few illustrations40 8,and ,he was yet man80 8,he was ,jesus of ,nazareth until the sorrowful drama of human life that ,he had taken upon ,himself was thoroughly finished1 from manger to sepulchre1 and from sepulchre to the right hand of ,his ,father40 8,i like to wonder10 she said1 presently1 8what we are going to look like and be like4 ,ourselves1 in the first place4 #8,it is ,i ,myself1' ,christ said4 ,then to be perfectly well1 never a sense of pain or weakness1--imagine how much solid comfort1 if one had no other1 in being forever rid of all the ills that flesh is heir to6 ,beautiful1 too1 ,i suppose we shall be1 every one4 ,have you never had that come over you1 with a thrill of compassionate thankfulness1 when you have seen a poor girl shrinking1 as only girls can shrink1 under the life-long affliction of a marred face or form8 ,the loss or presence of beauty is not as slight a deprivation or blessing as the moralists would make it out4 ,your grandmother1 who was the most beautiful woman ,i ever saw1 the belle of the county all her young days1 and the model for artists' fancy sketching even in her old ones1 as modest as a violet and as honest as the sunshine1 used to have the prettiest little way when we girls were in our teens1 and she thought that we must be lectured a bit on youthful vanity1 of adding1 in her quiet voice1 smoothing down her black silk apron as she spoke1 #8,but still it is a thing to be thankful for1 my dear1 to have a comely countenance4' 8,but to return to the track and our future bodies4 ,we shall find them vastly convenient1 undoubtedly1 with powers of which there is no dreaming4 ,perhaps they will be so one with the soul that to will will be to do1--hindrance out of the question4 ,i1 for instance1 sitting here by you1 and thinking that ,i should like to be in ,kansas1 would be there4 ,there is an interesting bit of a hint in ,daniel about ,gabriel1 who1 #8being caused to fly swiftly1 touched him about the time of the evening oblation4'0 8,but do you not make a very material kind of heaven out of such suppositions80 8,it depends upon what you mean by #8material4' ,the term does not1 to my thinking1 imply degradation1 except so far as it is associated with sin4 ,dr4 ,chalmers has the right of it1 when he talks about #8spiritual materialism4' ,he says in his sermon on the ,new ,heavens and ,earth1--which1 by the way1 you should read1 and from which ,i wish a few more of our preachers would learn something1--that we #8forget that on the birth of materialism1 when it stood out in the freshness of those glories which the great ,architect of ,nature had impressed upon it1 that then the 8morning stars sang together1 and all the sons of ,god shouted for joy40' ,i do not believe in a gross heaven1 but ,i believe in a reasonable one40 #dth4 ,we have been devoting ourselves to feminine vanities all day out in the orchard4 ,aunt ,winifred has been making her summer bonnet1 and ,i some linen collars4 ,i saw1 though she said nothing1 that she thought the crpe a little gloomy1 and ,i am going to wear these in the mornings to please her4 ,she has an accumulation of work on hand1 and in the afternoon ,i offered to tuck a little dress for ,faith1--the prettiest pink barge affair pale as a blush rose1 and about as delicate4 ,faith1 who had been making mud-pies in the swamp1 and was spattered with black peat from curls to stockings1 looked on approvingly1 and wanted it to wear on a flag-root expedition to-morrow4 ,it seemed to do me good to do something for somebody after all this lonely and--,i suspect--selfish idleness4 #fth4 ,i read a little of ,dr4 ,chalmers to-day1 and went laughing to ,aunt ,winifred with the first sentence4 8,there is a limit to the revelations of the ,bible about futurity1 and it were a mental or spiritual trespass to go beyond it40 8,ah6 but10 she said1 8look a little farther down40 ,and ,i read1 8,but while we attempt not to be #8wise above that which is written1' we should attempt1 and that most studiously1 to be wise up to that which is written40 #hth4 ,it occurred to me to-day1 that it was a noticeable fact1 that1 among all the visits of angels to this world of which we are told1 no one seems to have discovered in any the presence of a dead friend4 ,if redeemed men are subject to the same laws as they1 why did such a thing never happen8 ,i asked ,aunt ,winifred1 and she said that the question reminded her of ,st4 ,augustine's lonely cry thirty years after the death of ,monica3 8,ah1 the dead do not come back2 for1 had it been possible1 there has not been a night when ,i should not have seen my mother60 ,there seemed to be two reasons1 she said1 why there should be no exceptions to the law of silence imposed between us and those who have left us2 one of which was1 that we should be overpowered with familiar curiosity about them1 which nobody seems to have dared to express in the presence of angels1 and the secrets of their life ,god has decreed that it is unlawful to utter4 8,but ,lazarus1 and ,jairus's little daughter1 and the dead raised at the ,crucifixion1--what of them80 ,i asked4 8,i cannot help conjecturing that they were suffered to forget their glimpse of spiritual life10 she said4 8,since their resurrection was a miracle1 there might be a miracle throughout4 ,at least1 their lips must have been sealed1 for not a word of their testimony has been saved4 ,when ,lazarus dined with ,simon1 after he had come back to life1--and of that feast we have a minute account in1 ,i believe1 every ,gospel1--nobody seems to have asked1 or he to have answered1 any questions about it4 8,the other reason is a sorrowfully sufficient one4 ,it is that every lost darling has not gone to heaven4 ,of all the mercies that our ,father has given1 this blessed uncertainty1 this long unbroken silence1 may be the dearest4 ,bitterly hard for you and me1 but what are thousands like you and me weighed against one who stands beside a hopeless grave8 ,think a minute what mourners there have been1 and whom they have mourned6 ,ponder one such solitary instance as that of ,vittoria ,colonna1 wondering1 through her widowed years1 if she could ever be #8good enough' to join wicked ,pescara in another world6 ,this poor earth holds--,god only knows how many1 ,god make them very few6--,vittorias4 ,ah1 ,mary1 what right have we to complain80 #ith4 ,to-night ,aunt ,winifred had callers1--,mrs4 ,quirk and 7,o ,homer aristocracy67 the butcher's wife1--and it fell to my lot to put ,faith to bed4 ,the little maiden seriously demurred4 ,cousin ,mary was very good1--,o yes1 she was good enough1--but her mamma was a great deal gooder2 and why couldn't little peoples sit up till nine o'clock as well as big peoples1 she should like to know6 ,finally1 she came to the gracious conclusion that perhaps ,i'd do1 made me carry her all the way up stairs1 and dropped1 like a little lump of lead1 half asleep1 on my shoulder1 before two buttons were unfastened4 ,feeling under some sort of theological obligation to hear her say her prayers1 ,i pulled her curls a little till she awoke1 and went through with 8,now ,i lay me down to sleep1 ,i pway ve ,lord10 triumphantly4 ,i supposed that was the end1 but it seems that she has been also taught the ,lord's ,prayer1 which she gave me promptly to understand4 8,o1 see here6 ,that isn't all4 ,i can say ,our ,father1 and you've got to help me a lot60 ,this very soon became a self-evident proposition2 but by our united efforts we managed1 after tribulations manifold1 to arrive successfully at 8,for ever 'n' ever 'n' ever 'n' ,a-men40 8,dear me10 she said1 jumping up with a yawn1 8,i think that's a dreadful long-tailed prayer1--don't you1 ,cousin ,mary80 8,now ,i must kiss mamma good night10 she announced1 when she was tucked up at last4 8,but mamma kissed you good night before you came up40 8,o1 so she did4 ,yes1 ,i 'member4 ,well1 it's papa ,i've got to kiss4 ,i knew there was somebody40 ,i looked at her in perplexity4 8,why1 there60 she said1 8in the upper drawer1--my pretty little papa in a purple frame4 ,don't you know80 ,i went to the bureau-drawer1 and found in a case of velvet a small ivory painting of her father4 ,this ,i brought1 wondering1 and the child took it reverently and kissed the pictured lips4 8,faith10 ,i said1 as ,i laid it softly back1 8do you always do this80 8,do what8 ,kiss papa good night8 ,o yes1 ,i've done that ever since ,i was a little girl1 you know4 ,i guess ,i've always kissed him pretty much4 ,when ,i'm a naughty girl he feels real sorry4 ,he's gone to heaven4 ,i like him4 ,o yes1 and then1 when ,i'm through kissing1 mamma kisses him too40 ,x4 ,june #aa4 ,i was in her room this afternoon while she was dressing4 ,i like to watch her brush her beautiful gray hair2 it quite alters her face to have it down2 it seems to shrine her in like a cloud1 and the outlines of her cheeks round out1 and she grows young4 8,i used to be proud of my hair when ,i was a girl10 she said with a slight blush1 as she saw me looking at her2 8it was all ,i had to be vain of1 and ,i made the most of it4 ,ah well6 ,i was dark-haired three years ago4 8,o you regular old woman60 she added1 smiling at herself in the mirror1 as she twisted the silver coils flashing through her fingers4 8,well1 when ,i am in heaven1 ,i shall have my pretty brown hair again40 ,it seemed odd enough to hear that2 then the next minute it did not seem odd at all1 but the most natural thing in the world4 ,june #ad4 ,she said nothing to me about the anniversary1 and1 though it has been in my thoughts all the time1 ,i said nothing to her4 ,i thought that she would shut herself up for the day1 and was rather surprised that she was about as usual1 busily at work1 chatting with me1 and playing with ,faith4 ,just after tea1 she went away alone for a time1 and came back a little quiet1 but that was all4 ,i was for some reason impressed with the feeling that she kept the day in memory1 not so much as the day of her mourning1 as of his release4 ,longing to do something for her1 yet not knowing what to do1 ,i went into the garden while she was away1 and1 finding some carnations1 that shone like stars in the dying light1 ,i gathered them all1 and took them to her room1 and1 filling my tiny porphyry vase1 left them on the bracket1 under the photograph of ,uncle ,forceythe that hangs by the window4 ,when she found them1 she called me1 and kissed me4 8,thank you1 dear10 she said1 8and thank ,god too1 ,mary1 for me4 ,that he should have been happy1--happy and out of pain1 for three long beautiful years6 ,o1 think of that60 ,when ,i was in her room with the flowers1 ,i passed the table on which her little ,bible lay open4 ,a mark of rich ribbon--a black ribbon--fell across the pages2 it bore in silver text these words3-- 8,thou shalt have no other gods before me40 #bjth4 8,i thank thee1 my ,god1 the river of ,lethe may indeed flow through the ,elysian ,fields1--it does not water the ,christian's ,paradise40 ,aunt ,winifred was saying that over to herself in a dreamy undertone this morning1 and ,i happened to hear her4 8,just a quotation1 dear10 she said1 smiling1 in answer to my look of inquiry1 8,i couldn't originate so pretty a thing4 ,isn't it pretty80 8,very2 but ,i am not sure that ,i understand it40 8,you thought that forgetfulness would be necessary to happiness80 8,why1--yes2 as far as ,i had ever thought about it2 that is1 after our last ties with this world are broken4 ,it does not seem to me that ,i could be happy to remember all that ,i have suffered and all that ,i have sinned here40 8,but the last of all the sins will be as if it had never been4 ,christ takes care of that4 ,no shadow of a sense of guilt can dog you1 or affect your relations to ,him or your other friends4 ,the last pain borne1 the last tear1 the last sigh1 the last lonely hour1 the last unsatisfied dream1 forever gone by2 why should not the dead past bury its dead80 8,then why remember it80 8#8,save but to swell the sense of being blest4' ,besides1 forgetfulness of the disagreeable things of this life implies forgetfulness of the pleasant ones4 ,they are all tangled together40 8,to be sure4 ,i don't know that ,i should like that40 8,of course you wouldn't4 ,imagine yourself in a state of being where you and ,roy had lost your past2 all that you had borne and enjoyed1 and hoped and feared1 together2 the pretty little memories of your babyhood1 and first #8half-days' at school1 when he used to trudge along beside you1--little fellow6 how many times ,i have watched him6--holding you tight by the apron-sleeve or hat-string1 or bits of fat fingers1 lest you should run away or fall4 ,then the old ,academy pranks1 out of which you used to help each other2 his little chivalry and elder-brotherly advice2 the mischief in his eyes2 some of the #8,sunday-night talks'2 the first novel that you read and dreamed over together2 the college stories2 the chats over the corn-popper by firelight2 the earliest1 earnest looking-on into life together1 its temptations conquered1 its lessons learned1 its disappointments faced together1--always you two1--would you like to1 are you likely to1 forget all this8 8,roy might as well be not ,roy1 but a strange angel1 if you should4 ,heaven will be not less heaven1 but more1 for this pleasant remembering4 ,so many other and greater and happier memories will fill up the time then1 that after years these things may--probably will--seem smaller than it seems to us now they can ever be2 but they will1 ,i think1 be always dear2 just as we look back to our baby-selves with a pitying sort of fondness1 and1 though the little creatures are of small enough use to us now1 yet we like to keep good friends with them for old times' sake4 8,i have no doubt that you and ,i shall sit down some summer afternoon in heaven and talk over what we have been saying to-day1 and laugh perhaps at all the poor little dreams we have been dreaming of what has not entered into the heart of man4 ,you see it is certain to be so much better than anything that ,i can think of2 which is the comfort of it4 ,and ,roy--0 8,yes2 some more about ,roy1 please40 8,supposing he were to come right into the room now1--and ,i slipped out1--and you had him all to yourself again--,now1 dear1 don't cry1 but wait a minute60 ,her caressing hand fell on my hair4 8,i did not mean to hurt you1 but to say that your first talk with him1 after you stand face to face1 may be like that4 8,remembering this life is going to help us amazingly1 ,i fancy1 to appreciate the next10 she added1 by way of period4 8,christ seems to have thought so1 when he called to the minds of those happy people what1 in that unconscious ministering of lowly faith which may never reap its sheaf in the field where the seed was sown1 they had not had the comfort of finding out before1--#8,i was sick and in prison1 and ye visited me4' ,and to come again to ,abraham in the parable1 did he not say1 #8,son1 remember that thou in thy lifetime hadst good things and ,lazarus evil'80 8,i wonder what it is going to look like10 ,i said1 as soon as ,i could put poor ,dives out of my mind4 8,heaven8 ,eye hath not seen1 but ,i have my fancies4 ,i think ,i want some mountains1 and very many trees40 8,mountains and trees60 8,yes2 mountains as we see them at sunset and sunrise1 or when the maples are on fire and there are clouds enough to make great purple shadows chase each other into lakes of light1 over the tops and down the sides1--the ideal of mountains which we catch in rare glimpses1 as we catch the ideal of everything4 ,trees as they look when the wind cooes through them on a ,june afternoon2 elms or lindens or pines as cool as frost1 and yellow sunshine trickling through on moss4 ,trees in a forest so thick that it shuts out the world1 and you walk like one in a sanctuary4 ,trees pierced by stars1 and trees in a bath of summer moons to which the thrill of #8,love's young dream' shall cling forever--,but there is no end to one's fancies4 ,some water1 too1 ,i would like40 8,there shall be no more sea40 8,perhaps not2 though1 as the sea is the great type of separation and of destruction1 that may be only figurative4 ,but ,i'm not particular about the sea1 if ,i can have rivers and little brooks1 and fountains of just the right sort2 the fountains of this world don't please me generally4 ,i want a little brook to sit and sing to ,faith by4 ,o1 ,i forgot6 she will be a large girl probably1 won't she80 8,never too large to like to hear your mother sing1 will you1 ,faith80 8,o no10 said ,faith1 who bobbed in and out again like a canary1 just then1--8not unless ,i'm dreadful big1 with long dresses and a waterfall1 you know4 ,i s'pose1 maybe1 ,i'd have to have little girls myself to sing to1 then4 ,i hope they'll behave better'n ,mary ,ann does4 ,she's lost her other arm1 and all her sawdust is just running out4 ,besides1 ,kitty thought she was a mouse1 and ran down cellar with her1 and she's all shooken up1 somehow4 ,she don't look very pretty40 8,flowers1 too10 her mother went on1 after the interruption4 8,not all amaranth and asphodel1 but of variety and color and beauty unimagined2 glorified lilies of the valley1 heavenly tea-rose buds1 and spiritual harebells among them4 ,o1 how your poor mother used to say1--you know flowers were her poetry1--coming in weak and worn from her garden in the early part of her sickness1 hands and lap and basket full3 #8,winifred1 if ,i only supposed ,i could have some flowers in heaven ,i shouldn't be half so afraid to go6' ,i had not thought as much about these things then as ,i have now1 or ,i should have known better how to answer her4 ,i should like1 if ,i had my choice1 to have day-lilies and carnations fresh under my windows all the time40 8,under your windows80 8,yes4 ,i hope to have a home of my own40 8,not a house80 8,something not unlike it4 ,in the ,father's house are many mansions4 ,sometimes ,i fancy that those words have a literal meaning which the simple men who heard them may have understood better than we1 and that ,christ is truly #8preparing' my home for me4 ,he must be there1 too1 you see1--,i mean ,john40 ,i believe that gave me some thoughts that ,i ought not to have1 and so ,i made no reply4 8,if we have trees and mountains and flowers and books10 she went on1 smiling1 8,i don't see why not have houses as well4 ,indeed1 they seem to me as supposable as anything can be which is guess-work at the best2 for what a homeless1 desolate sort of sensation it gives one to think of people wandering over the #8sweet fields beyond the flood' without a local habitation and a name4 ,what could be done with the millions who1 from the time of ,adam1 have been gathering there1 unless they lived under the conditions of organized society8 ,organized society involves homes1 not unlike the homes of this world4 8,what other arrangement could be as pleasant1 or could be pleasant at all8 ,robertson's definition of a church exactly fits4 #8,more united in each other1 because more united in ,god4' ,a happy home is the happiest thing in the world4 ,i do not see why it should not be in any world4 ,i do not believe that all the little tendernesses of family ties are thrown by and lost with this life4 ,in fact1 ,mary1 ,i cannot think that anything which has in it the elements of permanency is to be lost1 but sin4 ,eternity cannot be--it cannot be the great blank ocean which most of us have somehow or other been brought up to feel that it is1 which shall swallow up1 in a pitiless1 glorified way1 all the little brooks of our delight4 ,so ,i expect to have my beautiful home1 and my husband1 and ,faith1 as ,i had them here2 with many differences and great ones1 but mine just the same4 ,unless ,faith goes into a home of her own1--the little creature6 ,i suppose she can't always be a baby4 8,do you remember what a pretty little wistful way ,charles ,lamb has of wondering about all this8 8#8,shall ,i enjoy friendships there1 wanting the smiling indications which point me to them here1--the 8sweet assurance of a look08 ,sun1 and sky1 and breeze1 and solitary walks1 and summer holidays1 and the greenness of fields1 and the delicious juices of meats and fish1 and society1 444 and candle-light and fireside conversations1 and innocent vanities1 and jests1 and irony itself1--do these things go out with life8'0 8,now1 ,aunt ,winifred60 ,i said1 sitting up straight1 8what am ,i to do with these beautiful heresies8 ,if ,deacon ,quirk should hear60 8,i do not see where the heresy lies4 ,as ,i hold fast by the ,bible1 ,i cannot be in much danger40 8,but you don't glean your conjectures from the ,bible40 8,i conjecture nothing that the ,bible contradicts4 ,i do not believe as truth indisputable anything that the ,bible does not give me4 ,but ,i reason from analogy about this1 as we all do about other matters4 ,why should we not have pretty things in heaven8 ,if this #8bright and beautiful economy' of skies and rivers1 of grass and sunshine1 of hills and valleys1 is not too good for such a place as this world1 will there be any less variety of the bright and beautiful in the next8 ,there is no reason for supposing that the voice of ,god will speak to us in thunder-claps1 or that it will not take to itself the thousand gentle1 suggestive tongues of a nature built on the ruins of this1 an unmarred system of beneficence4 8,there is a pretty argument in the fact that just such sunrises1 such opening of buds1 such fragrant dropping of fruit1 such bells in the brooks1 such dreams at twilight1 and such hush of stars1 were fit for ,adam and ,eve1 made holy man and woman4 ,how do we know that the abstract idea of a heaven needs imply anything very much unlike ,eden8 ,there is some reason as well as poetry in the conception of a #8,paradise ,regained4' ,a #8new earth wherein dwelleth righteousness4'0 8,but how far is it safe to trust to this kind of argument80 8,bishop ,butler will answer you better than ,i4 ,let me see1--,isaac ,taylor says something about that40 ,she went to the bookcase for his 8,physical ,theory of ,another ,life10 and1 finding her place1 showed me this passage3-- 8,if this often repeated argument from analogy is to be termed1 as to the conclusions it involves1 a conjecture merely1 we ought then to abandon altogether every kind of abstract reasoning2 nor will it be easy afterwards to make good any principle of natural theology4 ,in truth1 the very basis of reasoning is shaken by a scepticism so sweeping as this40 ,and in another place3-- 8,none need fear the consequences of such endeavors who have well learned the prime principle of sound philosophy1 namely1 not to allow the most plausible and pleasing conjectures to unsettle our convictions of truth 444 resting upon positive evidence4 ,if there be any who frown upon all such attempts1 444 they would do well to consider1 that although individually1 and from the constitution of their minds1 they may find it very easy to abstain from every path of excursive meditation1 it is not so with others who almost irresistibly are borne forward to the vast field of universal contemplation1--a field from which the human mind is not to be barred1 and which is better taken possession of by those who reverently bow to the authority of ,christianity1 than left open to impiety40 8,very good10 ,i said1 laying down the book4 8,but about those trees and houses1 and the rest of your #8pretty things'8 ,are they to be like these80 8,i don't suppose that the houses will be made of oak and pine and nailed together1 for instance4 ,but ,i hope for heavenly types of nature and of art4 ,something that will be to us then what these are now4 ,that is the amount of it4 ,they may be as #8spiritual' as you please2 they will answer all the purpose to us4 ,as we are not spiritual beings yet1 however1 ,i am under the necessity of calling them by their earthly names4 ,you remember ,plato's old theory1 that the ideal of everything exists eternally in the mind of ,god4 ,if that is so1--and ,i do not see how it can be otherwise1--then whatever of ,god is expressed to us in this world by flower1 or blade of grass1 or human face1 why should not that be expressed forever in heaven by something corresponding to flower1 or grass1 or human face8 ,i do not mean that the heavenly creation will be less real than these1 but more so4 ,their #8spirituality is of such a sort that our gardens and forests and homes are but shadows of them4 8,you don't know how ,i amuse myself at night thinking this all over before ,i go to sleep2 wondering what one thing will be like1 and another thing2 planning what ,i should like2 thinking that ,john has seen it all1 and wondering if he is laughing at me because ,i know so little about it6 ,i tell you1 ,mary1 there's a #8deal o' comfort in 't' as ,phbe says about her cup of tea40 ,july #e4 ,aunt ,winifred has been hunting up a ,sunday school class for herself and one for me2 which is a venture that ,i never was persuaded into undertaking before4 ,she herself is fast becoming acquainted with the poorer people of the town4 ,i find that she is a thoroughly busy ,christian1 with a certain 8week-day holiness0 that is strong and refreshing1 like a west wind4 ,church-going1 and conversations on heaven1 by no means exhaust her vitality4 ,she told me a pretty thing about her class2 it happened the first ,sabbath that she took it4 ,her scholars are young girls of from fourteen to eighteen years of age1 children of church-members1 most of them4 ,she seemed to have taken their hearts by storm4 ,she says1 8,they treated me very prettily1 and made me love them at once40 ,clo ,bentley is in the class2 ,clo is a pretty1 soft-eyed little creature1 with a shrinking mouth1 and an absorbing passion for music1 which she has always been too poor to gratify4 ,i suspect that her teacher will make a pet of her4 ,she says that in the course of her lesson1 or1 in her words1-- 8,while we were all talking together1 somebody pulled my sleeve1 and there was ,clo in the corner1 with her great brown eyes fixed on me4 #8,see here6' she said in a whisper1 #8,i can't be good6 ,i would be good if ,i could only just have a piano6' #8,well1 ,clo1' ,i said1 #8if you will be a good girl1 and go to heaven1 ,i think you will have a piano there1 and play just as much as you care to4' 8,you ought to have seen the look the child gave me6 ,delight and fear and incredulous bewilderment tumbled over each other1 as if ,i had proposed taking her into a forbidden fairy-land4 8#8,why1 ,mrs4 ,forceythe6 ,why1 they won't let anybody have a piano up there6 not in heaven8' 8,i laid down the question-book1 and asked what kind of place she supposed that heaven was going to be4 8#8,o1' she said1 with a dreary sigh1 #8,i never think about it when ,i can help it4 ,i suppose we shall all just stand there6' 8,and you80 ,i asked of the next1 a bright girl with snapping eyes4 8#8,do you want me to talk good1 or tell the truth8' she answered me4 ,having been given to understand that she was not expected to #8talk good' in my class1 she said1 with an approving1 decided nod3 #8,well1 then6 ,i don't think it's going to be anything nice anyway4 ,no1 ,i don't6 ,i told my last teacher so1 and she looked just as shocked1 and said ,i never should go there as long as ,i felt so4 ,that made me mad1 and ,i told her ,i didn't see but ,i should be as well off in one place as another1 except for the fire4' 8,a silent girl in the corner began at this point to look interested4 #8,i always supposed1' said she1 #8that you just floated round in heaven--you know--all together--something like ju-jube paste6' 8,whereupon ,i shut the question-book entirely1 and took the talking to myself for a while4 8#8,but ,i never thought it was anything like that1' interrupted little ,clo1 presently1 her cheeks flushed with excitement4 #8,why1 ,i should like to go1 if it is like that6 ,i never supposed people talked1 unless it was about converting people1 and saying your prayers1 and all that4' 8,now1 weren't those ideas,b alluring and comforting for young girls in the blossom of warm human life8 ,they were trying with all their little hearts to #8be good1' too1 some of them1 and had all of them been to church and ,sunday school all their lives4 ,never1 never1 if ,jesus ,christ had been ,teacher and ,preacher to them1 would ,he have pictured their blessed endless years with ,him in such bleak colors4 ,they are not the hues of ,his ,bible40 ,b ,facts4 ,,xi4 ,july #af4 ,we took a trip to-day to ,east ,homer for butter4 ,neither angels nor principalities could convince ,phbe that any butter but 8,stephen ,david's0 might1 could1 would1 or should be used in this family4 ,so to ,mr4 ,stephen ,david's1 a journey of four miles1 ,i meekly betake myself at stated periods in the domestic year1 burdened with directions about firkins and half-firkins1 pounds and half-pounds1 salt and no salt1 churning and 8working-over02 some of which ,i remember and some of which ,i forget1 and to all of which ,phbe considers me sublimely incapable of attending4 ,the afternoon was perfect1 and we took things leisurely1 letting the reins swing from the hook1--an arrangement to which ,mr4 ,tripp's old gray was entirely agreeable1--and1 leaning back against the buggy-cushions1 wound along among the strong1 sweet pine-smells1 lazily talking or lazily silent1 as the spirit moved1 and as only two people who thoroughly understand and like each other can talk or be silent4 ,we rode home by ,deacon ,quirk's1 and1 as we jogged by1 there broke upon our view a blooming vision of the ,deacon himself1 at work in his potato-field with his son and heir1 who1 by the way1 has the reputation of being the most awkward fellow in the township4 ,the amiable church-officer1 having caught sight of us1 left his work1 and coming up to the fence 8in rustic modesty unscared10 guiltless of coat or vest1 his calico shirt-sleeves rolled up to his huge brown elbows1 and his dusty straw hat flapping in the wind1 rapped on the rails with his hoe-handle as a sign for us to stop4 8,are we in a hurry80 ,i asked1 under my breath4 8,o no10 said ,aunt ,winifred4 8,he has somewhat to say unto me1 ,i see by his eyes4 ,i have been expecting it4 ,let us hear him out4 ,good afternoon1 ,deacon ,quirk40 8,good afternoon1 ma'am4 ,pleasant day80 ,she assented to the statement1 novel as it was4 8,a very pleasant day10 repeated the ,deacon1 looking for the first time in his life1 to my knowledge1 a little undecided as to what he should say next4 8,remarkable fine day for riding4 ,in a hurry80 8,well1 not especially4 ,did you want anything of me80 8,you're a church-member1 aren't you1 ma'am80 asked the ,deacon1 abruptly4 8,i am40 8,orthodox80 8,o yes10 with a smile4 8,you had a reason for asking80 8,yes1 ma'am2 ,i had1 as you might say1 a reason for asking40 ,the ,deacon laid his hoe on the top of the fence1 and his arms across it1 and pushed his hat on the back of his head in a becoming and argumentative manner4 8,i hope you don't consider that ,i'm taking liberties if ,i have a little religious conversation with you1 ,mrs4 ,forceythe40 8,it is no offence to me if you are10 replied ,mrs4 ,forceythe1 with a twinkle in her eye2 but both twinkle and words glanced off from the ,deacon4 8,my wife was telling me last night10 he began1 with an ominous cough1 8that her niece1 ,clotildy ,bentley--,moses ,bentley's daughter1 you know1 and one of your sentimental girls that reads poetry1 and is easy enough led away by vain delusions and false doctrine--was under your charge at ,sunday-school4 ,now ,clotildy is intimate with my wife1--who is her aunt on her mother's side1 and always tries to do her duty by her1--and she told ,mrs4 ,quirk what you'd been a saying to those young minds on the ,sabbath40 ,he stopped1 and observed her impressively1 as if he expected to see the guilty blushes of arraigned heresy covering her amused1 attentive face4 8,i hope you will pardon me1 ma'am1 for repeating it1 but ,clotildy said that you told her she should have a pianna in heaven4 ,a pianna1 ma'am60 8,i certainly did10 she said quietly4 8,you did8 ,well1 now1 ,i didn't believe it1 nor ,i wouldn't believe it1 till ,i'd asked you6 ,i thought it warn't more than fair that ,i should ask you1 before repeating it1 you know4 ,it's none of my business1 ,mrs4 ,forceythe1 any more than that ,i take a general interest in the spiritooal welfare of the youth of our ,sabbath school2 but ,i am very much surprised6 ,i am very much surprised60 8,i am surprised that you should be1 ,deacon ,quirk4 ,do you believe that ,god would take a poor little disappointed girl like ,clo1 who has been all her life here forbidden the enjoyment of a perfectly innocent taste1 and keep her in ,his happy heaven eternal years1 without finding means to gratify it8 ,i don't40 8,i tell ,clotildy ,i don't see what she wants of a pianna-forte10 observed 8,clotildy's0 uncle1 sententiously4 8,she can go to singin' school1 and she's been in the choir ever since ,i have1 which is six years come ,christmas4 ,besides1 ,i don't think it's our place to speckylate on the mysteries of the heavenly spere4 ,my wife told her that she mustn't believe any such things as that1 which were very irreverent1 and contrary to the ,scriptures1 and ,clo went home crying4 ,she said3 #8,it was so pretty to think about4' ,it is very easy to impress these delusions of fancy on the young40 8,pray1 ,deacon ,quirk10 said ,aunt ,winifred1 leaning earnestly forward in the carriage1 8will you tell me what there is #8irreverent' or #8unscriptural' in the idea that there will be instrumental music in heaven80 8,well10 replied the ,deacon after some consideration1 8come to think of it1 there will be harps1 ,i suppose4 ,harpers harping with their harps on the sea of glass4 ,but ,i don't believe there will be any piannas4 ,it's a dreadfully material way to talk about that glorious world1 to my thinking40 8,if you could show me wherein a harp is less #8material' than a piano1 perhaps ,i should agree with you40 ,deacon ,quirk looked rather nonplussed for a minute4 8,what do you suppose people will do in heaven80 she asked again4 8,glorify ,god10 said the ,deacon1 promptly recovering himself1--8glorify ,god1 and sing ,worthy the ,lamb6 ,we shall be clothed in white robes with palms in our hands1 and bow before the ,great ,white ,throne4 ,we shall be engaged in such employments as befit sinless creatures in a spiritooal state of existence40 8,now1 ,deacon ,quirk10 replied ,aunt ,winifred1 looking him over from head to foot1--old straw hat1 calico shirt1 blue overalls1 and cow-hide boots1 coarse1 work-worn hands1 and 8narrow forehead braided tight10--8just imagine yourself1 will you8 taken out of this life this minute1 as you stand here in your potato-field 7the ,deacon changed his position with evident uneasiness71 and put into another life1--not anybody else1 but yourself1 just as you left this spot1--and do you honestly think that you should be happy to go and put on a white dress and stand still in a choir with a green branch in one hand and a singing-book in the other1 and sing and pray and never do anything but sing and pray1 this year1 next year1 and every year forever80 8,we-ell10 he replied1 surprised into a momentary flash of carnal candor1 8,i can't say that ,i shouldn't wonder for a minute1 maybe1 how ,abinadab would ever get those potatoes hoed without me4--,abinadab6 go back to your work60 ,the graceful ,abinadab had sauntered up during the conversation1 and was listening1 hoe in hand and mouth open4 ,he slunk away when his father spoke1 but came up again presently on tiptoe when ,aunt ,winifred was talking4 ,there was an interested1 intelligent look about his square and pitifully embarrassed face1 which attracted my notice4 8,but then10 proceeded the ,deacon1 re-enforced by the sudden recollection of his duties as a father and a church-member1 8that couldn't be a permanent state of feeling1 you know4 ,i expect to be transformed by the renewing of my mind to appreciate the glories of the ,new ,jerusalem1 descending out of heaven from ,god4 ,that's what ,i expect1 marm4 ,now ,i heerd that you told ,mrs4 ,bland1 or that ,mary told her1 or that she heerd it someway1 that you said you supposed there were trees and flowers and houses and such in heaven4 ,i told my wife ,i thought your deceased husband was a ,congregational minister1 and ,i didn't believe you ever said it2 but that's the rumor40 ,without deeming it necessary to refer to her 8deceased husband10 ,aunt ,winifred replied that 8rumor0 was quite right4 8,well60 said the ,deacon1 with severe significance1 8,i believe in a spiritooal heaven40 ,i looked him over again1--hat1 hoe1 shirt1 and all2 scanned his obstinate old face with its stupid1 good eyes and animal mouth4 ,then ,i glanced at ,aunt ,winifred as she leaned forward in the afternoon light2 the white1 finely cut woman1 with her serene smile and rapt1 saintly eyes1--every inch of her1 body and soul1 refined not only by birth and training1 but by the long nearness of her heart to ,christ4 8,of the earth1 earthy4 ,of the heavens1 heavenly40 ,the two faces sharpened themselves into two types4 ,which1 indeed1 was the better able to comprehend a 8spiritooal heaven08 8,it is distinctly stated in the ,bible1 by which ,i suppose we shall both agree10 said ,aunt ,winifred1 gently1 8that there shall be a new earth1 as well as new heavens4 ,it is noticeable1 also1 that the descriptions of heaven1 although a series of metaphors1 are yet singularly earthlike and tangible ones4 ,are flowers and skies and trees less #8spiritual' than white dresses and little palm-branches8 ,in fact1 where are you going to get your little branches without trees8 ,what could well be more suggestive of material modes of living1 and material industry1 than a city marked into streets and alleys1 paved solidly with gold1 walled in and barred with gates whose jewels are named and counted1 and whose very length and breadth are measured with a celestial surveyor's chain80 8,but ,i think we'd ought to stick to what the ,bible says10 answered the ,deacon1 stolidly4 8,if it says golden cities and doesn't say flowers1 it means cities and doesn't mean flowers4 ,i dare say you're a good woman1 ,mrs4 ,forceythe1 if you do hold such oncommon doctrine1 and ,i don't doubt you mean well enough1 but ,i don't think that we ought to trouble ourselves about these mysteries of a future state4 ,i'm willing to trust them to ,god60 ,the evasion of a fair argument by this self-sufficient spasm of piety was more than ,i could calmly stand1 and ,i indulged in a subdued explosion4--,auntie says it sounded like ,fourth of ,july crackers touched off under a wet barrel4 8,deacon ,quirk6 do you mean to imply that ,mrs4 ,forceythe does not trust it to ,god8 ,the truth is1 that the existence of such a world as heaven is a fact from which you shrink4 ,you know you do6 ,she has twenty thoughts about it where you have one2 yet you set up a claim to superior spirituality60 8,mary1 ,mary1 you are a little excited2 ,i fear4 ,god is a spirit1 and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth60 ,the relevancy of this last1 ,i confess myself incapable of perceiving1 but the good man seemed to be convinced that he had made a point1 and we rode off leaving him under that blissful delusion4 8,if he weren't a good man60 ,i sighed4 8,but he is1 and ,i must respect him for it40 8,of course you must2 nor is he to blame that he is narrow and rough4 ,i should scarcely have argued as seriously as ,i did with him1 but that1 as ,i fancy him to be a representative of a class1 ,i wanted to try an experiment4 ,isn't he amusing1 though8 ,he is precisely one of ,mr4 ,stopford ,brooke's men #8who can understand nothing which is original4'0 8,are there1 or are there not1 more of such men in our church than in others80 8,not more proportionately to numbers4 ,but ,i would not have them thinned out4 ,the better we do ,christ's work1 the more of uneducated1 neglected1 or debased mind will be drawn to try and serve ,him with us4 ,he sought out the lame1 the halt1 the blind1 the stupid1 the crotchety1 the rough1 as well as the equable1 the intelligent1 the refined4 ,untrained ,christians in any sect will always have their eccentricities and their littlenesses1 at which the silken judgment of high places1 where the ,carpenter's ,son would be a strange guest1 will sneer4 ,that never troubles me4 ,it only raises the question in my mind whether cultivated ,christians generally are sufficiently cultivators1 scattering their golden gifts on wayside ground40 8,now take ,deacon ,quirk10 ,i suggested1 when we had ridden along a little way under the low1 green arches of the elms1 8and put him into heaven as you proposed1 just as he is1 and what is he going to do with himself8 ,he can dig potatoes and sell them without cheating1 and give generously of their proceeds to foreign missions2 but take away his potatoes1 and what would become of him8 ,i don't know a human being more incapacitated to live in such a heaven as he believes in40 8,very true1 and a good1 common-sense argument against such a heaven4 ,i don't profess to surmise what will be found for him to do1 beyond this1--that it will be some very palpable work that he can understand4 ,how do we know that he would not be appointed guardian of his poor son here1 to whom ,i suspect he has not been all that father might be in this life1 and that he would not have his body as well as his soul to look after1 his farm as well as his prayers8 to him might be committed the charge of the dews and the rains and the hundred unseen influences that are at work on this very potato-field40 8,but when his son has gone in his turn1 and we have all gone1 and there are no more potato-fields8 ,an ,eternity remains40 8,you don't know that there wouldn't be any potato-fields2 there may be some kind of agricultural employments even then4 ,to whomsoever a talent is given1 it will be given him wherewith to use it4 ,besides1 by that time the good ,deacon will be immensely changed4 ,i suppose that the simple transition of death1 which rids him of sin and of grossness1 will not only wonderfully refine him1 but will have its effect upon his intellect40 8,if a talent is given1 use will be found for it8 ,tell me some more about that40 8,i fancy many things about it2 but of course can feel sure of only the foundation principle4 ,this life is a great school-house4 ,the wise ,teacher trains in us such gifts as1 if we graduate honorably1 will be of most service in the perfect manhood and womanhood that come after4 ,he sees1 as we do not1 that a power is sometimes best trained by repression4 #8,we do not always lose an advantage when we dispense with it1' ,goethe says4 ,but the suffocated lives1 like little ,clo's there1 make my heart ache sometimes4 ,i take comfort in thinking how they will bud and blossom up in the air1 by and by4 ,there are a great many of them4 ,we tread them underfoot in our careless stepping now and then1 and do not see that they have not the elasticity to rise from our touch4 #8,heaven may be a place for those who failed on earth1' the ,country ,parson says40 8,then there will be air enough for all80 8,for all2 for those who have had a little bloom in this world1 as well4 ,i suppose the artist will paint his pictures1 the poet sing his happy songs1 the orator and author will not find their talents hidden in the eternal darkness of a grave2 the sculptor will use his beautiful gift in the moulding of some heavenly ,carrara2 #8as well the singer as the player on instruments shall be there4' ,christ said a thing that has grown on me with new meanings lately3--#8,he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it4' ,it1 you see1--not another man's life1 not a strange compound of powers and pleasures1 but his own familiar aspirations4 ,so we shall best #8glorify ,god1' not less there than here1 by doing it in the peculiar way that ,he himself marked out for us4 ,but--ah1 ,mary1 you see it is only the life #8lost' for ,his sake that shall be so beautifully found4 ,a great man never goes to heaven because he is great4 ,he must go1 as the meanest of his fellow-sinners go1 with face towards ,calvary1 and every golden treasure used for love of ,him who showed him how40 8,what would the old ,pagans--and modern ones1 too1 for that matter--say to that8 ,wasn't it ,tacitus who announced it as his belief1 that immortality was granted as a special gift to a few superior minds8 ,for the people who persisted in making up the rest of the world1 poor things6 as it could be of little consequence what became of them1 they might die as the brute dieth40 8,it seems an unbearable thing to me sometimes10 she went on1 8the wreck of a gifted soul4 ,a man who can be1 if he chooses1 as much better and happier than the rest of us as the ocean reflects more sky than a mill-pond1 must also be1 if he chooses1 more wicked and more miserable4 ,it takes longer to reach sea-shells than river-pebbles4 ,i am compelled to think1 also1 that intellectual rank must in heaven bear some proportion to goodness4 ,there are last and there are first that shall have changed places4 ,as the tree falleth1 there shall it lie1 and with that amount of holiness of which a man leaves this life the possessor1 he must start in another4 ,i have seen great thinkers1 #8foremost men' in science1 in theology1 in the arts1 who1 ,i solemnly believe1 will turn aside in heaven1--and will turn humbly and heartily1--to let certain day-laborers and paupers whom ,i have known go up before them as kings and priests unto ,god40 8,i believe that4 ,but ,i was going to ask1--for poor creatures like your respected niece1 who hasn't a talent1 nor even a single absorbing taste1 for one thing above another thing1--what shall she do80 8,whatever she liketh best2 something very useful1 my dear1 don't be afraid1 and very pleasant4 ,something1 too1 for which this life has fitted you2 though you may not understand how that can be1 better than did poor ,heine on his #8matrazzen-gruft1' reading all the books that treated of his disease4 #8,but what good this reading is to do me ,i don't know1' he said1 #8except that it will qualify me to give lectures in heaven on the ignorance of doctors on earth about diseases of the spinal marrow4'0 8,i don't know how many times ,i have thought of--,i believe it was the poet ,gray1 who said that his idea of heaven was to lie on the sofa and read novels4 ,that touches the lazy part of us1 though40 8,yes1 they will be the active1 outgoing1 generous elements of our nature that will be brought into use then1 rather than the self-centred and dreamy ones4 ,though ,i suppose that we shall read in heaven1--being influenced to be better and nobler by good and noble teachers of the pen1 not less there than here40 8,o think of it6 ,to have books1 and music1--and pictures80 8,all that ,art1 #8the handmaid of the ,lord1' can do for us1 ,i have no doubt will be done4 ,eternity will never become monotonous4 ,variety without end1 charms unnumbered within charms1 will be devised by ,infinite ingenuity to minister to our delight4 ,perhaps1--this is just my fancying1--perhaps there will be whole planets turned into galleries of art1 over which we may wander at will2 or into orchestral halls where the highest possibilities of music will be realized to singer and to hearer4 ,do you know1 ,i have sometimes had a flitting notion that music would be the language of heaven8 ,it certainly differs in some indescribable manner from the other arts4 ,we have most of us felt it in our different ways4 ,it always seems to me like the cry of a great1 sad life dragged to use in this world against its will4 ,pictures and statues and poems fit themselves to their work more contentedly4 ,symphony and song struggle in fetters4 ,that sense of conflict is not good for me4 ,it is quite as likely to harm as to help4 ,then perhaps the mysteries of sidereal systems will be spread out like a child's map before us4 ,perhaps we shall take journeys to ,jupiter and to ,saturn and to the glittering haze of nebul1 and to the site of ruined worlds whose #8extinct light is yet travelling through space4' ,occupation for explorers there1 you see60 8,you make me say with little ,clo1 #8,o1 why1 ,i want to go6' every time ,i hear you talk4 ,but there is one thing1--you spoke of families living together40 8,yes40 8,and you spoke of--your husband4 ,but the ,bible--0 8,says there shall be no marrying nor giving in marriage4 ,i know that4 ,nor will there be such marrying or giving in marriage as there is in a world like this4 ,christ expressly goes on to state1 that we shall be as the angels in heaven4 ,how do we know what heavenly unions of heart with heart exist among the angels8 ,it leaves me margin enough to live and be happy with ,john forever1 and it holds many possibilities for the settlement of all perplexing questions brought about by the relations of this world4 ,it is of no use to talk much about them4 ,but it is on that very verse that ,i found my unshaken belief that they will be smoothed out in some natural and happy way1 with which each one shall be content40 8,but ,o1 there is a great gulf fixed2 and on one side one1 and on the other another1 and they loved each other40 ,her face paled1--it always pales1 ,i notice1 at the mention of this mystery1--but her eyes never lost by a shade their steadfast trust4 8,mary1 don't question me about that4 ,that belongs to the unutterable things4 ,god will take care of it4 ,i think ,i could leave it to him even if he brought it for me myself to face4 ,i feel sure that he will make it all come out right4 ,perhaps ,he will be so dear to us1 that we could not love any one who hated him4 ,in some way the void must be filled1 for he shall wipe away tears4 ,but it seems to me that the only thought in which there can be any rest1 and in that there can1 is this3 that ,christ1 who loves us even as his ,father loves him1 can be happy in spite of the existence of a hell4 ,if it is possible to him1 surely he can make it possible to us40 8,two things that ,he has taught us10 she said after a silence1 8give me beautiful assurance that none of these dreams with which ,i help myself can be beyond his intention to fulfil4 ,one is1 that eye hath not seen it1 nor ear heard it1 nor the heart conceived it1--this lavishness of reward which he is keeping for us4 ,another is1 that #8,i shall be satisfied when ,i awake4'0 8,with his likeness40 8,with his likeness4 ,and about that ,i have other things to say40 ,but ,old ,gray stopped at the gate and ,phbe was watching for her butter1 and it was no time to say them then4 ,,xii4 ,july #bb4 ,aunt ,winifred has connected herself with our church4 ,i think it was rather hard for her1 breaking the last tie that bound her to her husband's people2 but she had a feeling1 that1 if her work is to be done and her days ended here1 she had better take up all such little threads of influence to make herself one with us4 #beth4 ,to-day what should ,deacon ,quirk do but make a solemn call on ,mrs4 ,forceythe1 for the purpose of asking--and this with a hint that he wished he had asked before she became a member of the ,homer ,first ,congregational ,church--whether there were truth in the rumors1 now rife about town1 that she was a ,swedenborgian6 ,aunt ,winifred broke out laughing1 and laughed merrily4 ,the ,deacon frowned4 8,i used to fancy that ,i believed in ,swedenborg10 she said1 as soon as she could sober down a little4 ,the ,deacon pricked up his ears1 with visions of excommunications and councils reflected on every feature4 8,until ,i read his books10 she finished4 8,oh60 said the ,deacon4 ,he waited for more1 but she seemed to consider the conversation at an end4 8,so then you--if ,i understand--are not a ,swedenborgian1 ma'am80 8,if ,i were1 ,i certainly should have had no inducement to join myself to your church10 she replied1 with gentle dignity4 8,i believe1 with all my heart1 in the same ,bible and the same creed that you believe in1 ,deacon ,quirk40 8,and you live your creed1 which all such genial ,christians do not find it necessary to do10 ,i thought1 as the ,deacon in some perplexity took his departure1 and she returned with a smile to her sewing4 ,i suppose the call came about in this way4 ,we had the sewing-circle here last week1 and just before the lamps were lighted1 and when people had dropped their work to group and talk in the corners1 ,meta ,tripp came up with one or two other girls to ,aunt ,winifred1 and begged 8to hear some of those queer things people said she believed about heaven40 ,auntie is never obtrusive with her views on this or any other matter1 but1 being thus urged1 she answered a few questions that they put to her1 to the extreme scandal of one or two old ladies1 and the secret delight of the rest4 8,well10 said little ,mrs4 ,bland1 squeezing and kissing her youngest1 who was at that moment vigorously employed in sticking very long darning-needles into his mother's waterfall1 8,i hope there'll be a great many babies there4 ,i should be perfectly happy if ,i always could have babies to play with60 ,the look that ,aunt ,winifred shot over at me was worth seeing4 ,she merely replied1 however1 that she supposed all our 8highest aspirations10--with an indescribable accent to which ,mrs4 ,bland was safely deaf1--if good ones1 would be realized2 and added1 laughing1 that ,swedenborg said that the babies in heaven--who outnumber the grown people--will be given into the charge of those women especially fond of them4 8,swedenborg is suggestive1 even if you can't accept what seem to the uninitiated to be his natural impossibilities10 she said1 after we had discussed ,deacon ,quirk awhile4 8,he says a pretty thing1 too1 occasionally4 ,did ,i ever read you about the houses80 ,she had not1 and ,i wished to hear1 so she found the book on ,heaven and ,hell1 and read3-- 8,as often as ,i have spoken with the angels mouth to mouth1 so often ,i have been with them in their habitations3 their habitations are altogether like the habitations on earth which are called houses1 but more beautiful2 in them are parlors1 rooms1 and chambers in great numbers2 there are also courts1 and round about are gardens1 shrubberies1 and fields4 ,palaces of heaven have been seen1 which were so magnificent that they could not be described2 above1 they glittered as if they were of pure gold1 and below1 as if they were of precious stones2 one palace was more splendid than another2 within1 it was the same the rooms were ornamented with such decorations as neither words nor sciences are sufficient to describe4 ,on the side which looked to the south there were paradises1 where all things in like manner glittered1 and in some places the leaves were as of silver1 and the fruits as of gold2 and the flowers on their beds presented by colors as it were rainbows2 at the boundaries again were palaces1 in which the view terminated40 ,aunt ,winifred says that our hymns1 taken all together1 contain the worst and the best pictures of heaven that we have in any branch of literature4 8,it seems to me incredible10 she says1 8that the ,christian ,church should have allowed that beautiful #8,jerusalem' in its hymnology so long1 with the ghastly couplet1-- #8,where congregations ne'er break up1 ,and ,sabbaths have no end4' ,the dullest preachers are sure to give it out1 and that when there are the greatest number of restless children wondering when it will be time to go home4 ,it is only within ten years that modern hymn books have altered it1 returning in part to the original4 8,i do not think we have chosen the best parts of that hymn for our #8service of song4' ,you never read the whole of it8 ,you don't know how pretty it is6 ,it is a relief from the customary palms and choirs4 ,one's whole heart is glad of the outlet of its sweet refrain1-- #8,would ,god that ,i were there6' before one has half read it4 ,you are quite ready to believe that #8,there is no hunger1 heat1 nor cold1 ,but pleasure every way4' ,listen to this3-- #8,thy houses are of ivory1 ,thy windows crystal clear1 ,thy tiles are made of beaten gold2 ,o ,god1 that ,i were there6 #8,we that are here in banishment ,continually do moan4 99 99 99 99 99 #8,our sweet is mixed with bitter gall1 ,our pleasure is but pain1 ,our joys scarce last the looking on1 ,our sorrows still remain4 #8,but there they live in such delight1 ,such pleasure and such play1 ,as that to them a thousand years ,doth seem as yesterday4' ,and this3-- #8,thy gardens and thy gallant walks ,continually are green2 ,there grow such sweet and pleasant flowers ,as nowhere else are seen4 #8,there cinnamon1 there sugar grows1 ,there nard and balm abound1 ,what tongue can tell1 or heart conceive ,the joys that there are found8 #8,quite through the streets1 with silver sound1 ,the flood of life doth flow1 ,upon whose banks1 on every side1 ,the wood of life doth grow4' ,i tell you we may learn something from that grand old ,catholic singer4 ,he is far nearer to the ,bible than the innovators on his ,,mss4 ,do you not notice how like his images are to the inspired ones1 and yet how pleasant and natural is the effect of the entire poem8 8,there is nobody like ,bonar1 though1 to sing about heaven4 ,there is one of his1 #8,we shall meet and rest1'--do you know it80 ,i shook my head1 and knelt down beside her and watched her face1--it was quite unconscious of me1 the musing face1--while she repeated dreamily3-- 8,where the faded flower shall freshen1-- ,freshen nevermore to fade2 ,where the shaded sky shall brighten1-- ,brighten nevermore to shade2 ,where the sun-blaze never scorches2 ,where the star-beams cease to chill2 ,where no tempest stirs the echoes ,of the wood1 or wave1 or hill24444 ,where no shadow shall bewilder2 ,where life's vain parade is o'er2 ,where the sleep of sin is broken1 ,and the dreamer dreams no more2 ,where the bond is never severed1-- ,partings1 claspings1 sob and moan1 ,midnight waking1 twilight weeping1 ,heavy noontide1--all are done2 ,where the child has found its mother2 ,where the mother finds the child2 ,where dear families are gathered1 ,that were scattered on the wild24444 ,where the hidden wound is healed2 ,where the blighted life reblooms2 ,where the smitten heart the freshness ,of its buoyant youth resumes24444 ,where we find the joy of loving1 ,as we never loved before1-- ,loving on1 unchilled1 unhindered1 ,loving once1 forevermore40 444 #cjth4 ,aunt ,winifred was weeding her day-lilies this morning1 when the gate creaked timidly1 and then swung noisily1 and in walked ,abinadab ,quirk1 with a bouquet of ,china pinks in the button-hole of his green-gray linen coat4 ,he had taken evident pains to smarten himself up a little1 for his hair was combed into two horizontal dabs over his ears1 and the green-gray coat and blue-checked shirt-sleeves were quite clean2 but he certainly is the most uncouth specimen of six feet five that it has ever been my privilege to behold4 ,i feel sorry for him1 though4 ,i heard ,meta ,tripp laughing at him in ,sunday school the other day1--8,quadrangular ,quirk10 she called him1 a little too loud1 and the poor fellow heard her4 ,he half turned1 blushing fiercely2 then slunk down in his corner with as pitiable a look as is often seen upon a man's face4 ,he came up to ,auntie awkwardly1--a part of the scene ,i saw from the window1 and the rest she told me1--head hanging1 and the tiny bouquet held out4 8,clo sent these to you10 he stammered out1--8my cousin ,clo4 ,i was coming 'long1 and she thought1 you know1--she'd get me1 you see1 to--to--that is1 to--bring them4 ,she sent her--that is--let me see4 ,she sent her respect--ful--respectful--no1 her love2 that was it4 ,she sent her love 'long with 'em40 ,mrs4 ,forceythe dropped her weeds1 and held out her white1 shapely hands1 wet with the heavy dew1 to take the flowers4 8,o1 thank you6 ,clo knows my fancy for pinks4 ,how kind in you to bring them6 ,won't you sit down a few moments8 ,i was just going to rest a little4 ,do you like flowers80 ,abinadab eyed the white hands1 as his huge fingers just touched them1 with a sort of awe2 and1 sighing1 sat down on the very edge of the garden bench beside her4 ,after a singular variety of efforts to take the most uncomfortable position of which he was capable1 he succeeded to his satisfaction1 and1 growing then somewhat more at his ease1 answered her question4 8,flowers are sech gassy things4 ,they just blow out and that's the end of 'em4 ,i like machine-shops best40 8,ah6 well1 that is a very useful liking4 ,do you ever invent machinery yourself80 8,sometimes10 said ,abinadab1 with a bashful smile4 8,there's a little improvement of mine for carpet-sweepers up before the patent-office now4 ,don't know whether they'll run it through4 ,some of the chaps ,i saw in ,boston told me they thought they would do't in time2 it takes an awful sight of time4 ,i'm alwers fussing over something of the kind2 alwers did1 sence ,i was a baby2 had my little windmills and carts and things2 used to sell 'em to the other young uns4 ,father don't like it4 ,he wants me to stick to the farm4 ,i don't like farming4 ,i feel like a fish out of water4--,mrs4 ,forceythe1 marm60 ,he turned on her with an abrupt change of tone1 so funny that she could with difficulty retain her gravity4 8,i heard you saying a sight of queer things the other day about heaven4 ,clo1 she's been telling me a sight more4 ,now1 ,i never believed in heaven60 8,why80 8,because ,i don't believe10 said the poor fellow1 with sullen decision1 8that a benevolent ,god ever would ha' made sech a derned awkward chap as ,i am60 ,aunt ,winifred replied by stepping into the house1 and bringing out a fine photograph of one of the best of the ,st4 ,georges1--a rapt1 yet very manly face1 in which the saint and the hero are wonderfully blended4 8,i suppose10 she said1 putting it into his hands1 8that if you should go to heaven1 you would be as much fairer than that picture as that picture is fairer than you are now40 8,no6 ,why1 would ,i1 though8 ,jim-miny6 ,why1 it would be worth going for1 wouldn't it80 ,the words were no less reverently spoken than the vague rhapsodies of his father2 for the sullenness left his face1 and his eyes--which are pleasant1 and not unmanly1 when one fairly sees them--sparkled softly1 like a child's4 8,make it all up there1 maybe80 musing1--8the girls laughing at you all your life1 and all8 ,that would be the bigger heft of the two then1 wouldn't it8 for they say there ain't any end to things up there4 ,why1 so it might be fair in ,him after all2 more'n fair1 perhaps4 ,see here1 ,mrs4 ,forceythe1 ,i'm not a church-member1 you know1 and father1 he's dreadful troubled about me2 prays over me like a span of ministers1 the old gentleman does1 every ,sunday night4 ,now1 ,i don't want to go to the other place any more than the next man1 and ,i've had my times1 too1 of thinking ,i'd keep steady and say my prayers reg'lar1--it makes a chap feel on a sight better terms with himself1--but ,i don't see how ,i'm going to wear white frocks and stand up in a choir1--never could sing no more'n a frog with a cold in his head1--it tires me more now1 honest1 to think of it1 than it does to do a week's mowing4 ,look at me6 ,do you s'pose ,i'm fit for it8 ,father1 he's always talking about the thrones1 and the wings1 and the praises1 and the palms1 and having new names in your foreheads1 7shouldn't object to that1 though1 by any means71 till he drives me into the tool-house1 or off on a spree4 ,i tell him if ,god hain't got a place where chaps like me can do something ,he's fitted 'em to do in this world1 there's no use thinking about it anyhow40 ,so ,auntie took the honest fellow into her most earnest thought for half an hour1 and argued1 and suggested1 and reproved1 and helped him1 as only she could do2 and at the end of it seemed to have worked into his mind some distinct and not unwelcome ideas of what a ,christ-like life must mean to him1 and of the coming heaven which is so much more real to her than any life outside of it4 8,and then10 she told him1 8,i imagine that your fancy for machinery will be employed in some way4 ,perhaps you will do a great deal more successful inventing there than you ever will here40 8,you don't say so60 said radiant ,abinadab4 8,god will give you something to do1 certainly1 and something that you will like40 8,i might turn it to some religious purpose1 you know60 said ,abinadab1 looking bright4 8,perhaps ,i could help 'em build a church1 or hist some of their pearl gates1 or something like60 ,upon that he said that it was time to be at home and see to the oxen1 and shambled awkwardly away4 ,clo told us this afternoon that he begged the errand and the flowers from her4 ,she says3 8#8,bin thinks there never was anybody like you1 ,mrs4 ,forceythe1 and ',bin isn't the only one1 either40 ,at which ,mrs4 ,forceythe smiles absently1 thinking--,i wonder of what4 ,monday night4 ,i saw as funny and as pretty a bit of a drama this afternoon as ,i have seen for a long time4 ,faith had been rolling out in the hot hay ever since three o'clock1 with one of the little ,blands1 and when the shadows grew long they came in with flushed cheeks and tumbled hair1 to rest and cool upon the door-steps4 ,i was sitting in the parlor1 sewing energetically on some sun-bonnets for some of ,aunt ,winifred's people down town1--,i found the heat to be more bearable if ,i kept busy1--and could see1 unseen1 all the little tableaux into which the two children grouped themselves2 a new one every instant2 in the shadow now1--now in a quiver of golden glow2 the wind tossing their hair about1 and their chatter chiming down the hall like bells4 8,o what a funny little sunset there's going to be behind the maple-tree10 said the blond-haired ,bland1 in a pause4 8,funny enough10 observed ,faith1 with her superior smile1 8but it's going to be a great deal funnier up in heaven1 ,i tell you1 ,molly ,bland40 8,funny in heaven8 ,why1 ,faith60 ,molly drew herself up with a religious air1 and looked the image of her father4 8,yes1 to be sure4 ,i'm going to have some little pink blocks made out of it when ,i go2 pink and yellow and green and purple and--,o1 so many blocks6 ,i'm going to have a little red cloud to sail round in1 like that one up over the house1 too1 ,i shouldn't wonder40 ,molly opened her eyes4 8,o1 ,i don't believe it60 8,you don't know much60 said ,miss ,faith1 superbly4 8,i shouldn't s'pose you would believe it4 ,p'r'aps ,i'll have some strawberries too1 and some ginger-snaps1--,i'm not going to have any old bread and butter up there1--,o1 and some little gold apples1 and a lot of playthings2 nicer playthings--why1 nicer than they have in the shops in ,boston1 ,molly ,bland6 ,god's keeping 'em up there a purpose40 8,dear me60 said incredulous ,molly1 8,i should just like to know who told you that much4 ,my mother never told it at me4 ,did your mother tell it at you80 8,o1 she told me some of it1 and the rest ,i thinked out myself40 8,let's go and play ,one ,old ,cat10 said ,molly1 with an uncomfortable jump2 8,i wish ,i hadn't got to go to heaven60 8,why1 ,molly ,bland6 why1 ,i think heaven's splendid6 ,i've got my papa up there1 you know4 #8,here's my little girl6' ,that's what he's going to say4 ,mamma1 she'll be there1 too1 and we're all going to live in the prettiest house4 ,i have dreadful hurries to go this afternoon sometimes when ,phbe's cross and won't give me sugar4 ,they don't let you in1 though1 'nless you're a good girl40 8,who gets it all up80 asked puzzled ,molly4 8,jesus ,christ will give me all these beautiful fings10 said ,faith1 evidently repeating her mother's words1--the only catechism that she has been taught4 8,and what will he do when he sees you80 asked her mother1 coming down the stairs and stepping up behind her4 8,take me up in ,his arms and kiss me40 8,and what will ,faith say80 8,fank--you60 said the child1 softly4 ,in another minute she was absorbed1 body and soul1 in the mysteries of ,one ,old ,cat4 8,but ,i don't think she will feel much like being naughty for half an hour to come10 her mother said2 8hear how pleasantly her words drop6 ,such a talk quiets her1 like a hand laid on her head4 ,mary1 sometimes ,i think it is ,his very hand1 as much as when ,he touched those other little children4 ,i wish ,faith to feel at home with ,him and ,his home4 ,little thing6 ,i really do not think that she is conscious of any fear of dying2 ,i do not think it means anything to her but ,christ1 and her father1 and pink blocks1 and a nice time1 and never disobeying me1 or being cross4 ,many a time she wakes me up in the morning talking away to herself1 and when ,i turn and look at her1 she says3 #8,o mamma1 won't we go to heaven to-day1 you fink8 ,when will we go1 mamma8'0 8,if there had been any pink blocks and ginger-snaps for me when ,i was at her age1 ,i should not have prayed every night to #8die out4' ,i think the horrors of death that children live through1 unguessed and unrelieved1 are awful4 ,faith may thank you all her life that she has escaped them40 8,i should feel answerable to ,god for the child's soul1 if ,i had not prevented that4 ,i always wanted to know what sort of mother that poor little thing had1 who asked1 if she were very good up in heaven1 whether they wouldn't let her go down to hell ,saturday afternoons1 and play a little while60 8,i know4 ,but think of it1--blocks and ginger-snaps60 8,i treat ,faith just as the ,bible treats us1 by dealing in pictures of truth that she can understand4 ,i can make ,clo and ,abinadab ,quirk comprehend that their pianos and machinery may not be made of literal rosewood and steel1 but will be some synonyme of the thing1 which will answer just such wants of their changed natures as rosewood and steel must answer now4 ,there will be machinery and pianos in the same sense in which there will be pearl gates and harps4 ,whatever enjoyment any or all of them represent now1 something will represent then4 8,but ,faith1 if ,i told her that her heavenly ginger-snaps would not be made of molasses and flour1 would have a cry1 for fear that she was not going to have any ginger-snaps at all2 so1 until she is older1 ,i give her unqualified ginger-snaps4 ,the principal joy of a child's life consists in eating4 ,faith begins1 as soon as the light wanes1 to dream of that gum-drop which she is to have at bedtime4 ,i don't suppose she can outgrow that at once by passing out of her little round body4 ,she must begin where she left off1--nothing but a baby1 though it will be as holy and happy a baby as ,christ can make it4 ,when she says3 8,mamma1 ,i shall be hungery and want my dinner1 up there10 ,i never hesitate to tell her that she shall have her dinner4 ,she would never1 in her secret heart1 though she might not have the honesty to say so1 expect to be otherwise than miserable in a dinnerless eternity40 8,you are not afraid of misleading the child's fancy80 8,not so long as ,i can keep the two ideas--that ,christ is her best friend1 and that heaven is not meant for naughty girls--pre-eminent in her mind4 ,and ,i sincerely believe that ,he would give her the very pink blocks which she anticipates1 no less than ,he would give back a poet his lost dreams1 or you your brother4 ,he has been a child2 perhaps1 incidentally to the unsolved mysteries of atonement1 for this very reason1--that ,he may know how to #8prepare their places' for them1 whose angels do always behold ,his ,father4 ,ah1 you may be sure that1 if of such is the happy ,kingdom1 ,he will not scorn to stoop and fit it to their little needs4 8,there was that poor little fellow whose guinea-pig died1--do you remember80 8,only half2 what was it80 8#8,o mamma1' he sobbed out1 behind his handkerchief1 #8don't great big elephants have souls8' 8#8,no1 my son4' 8#8,nor camels1 mamma8' 8#8,no4' 8#8,nor bears1 nor alligators1 nor chickens8' 8#8,o no1 dear4' 8#8,o mamma1 mamma6 ,don't little ,,clean--white--guinea-pigs have souls8' 8,i never should have had the heart to say no to that2 especially as we have no positive proof to the contrary4 8,then that scrap of a boy who lost his little red balloon the morning he bought it1 and1 broken-hearted1 wanted to know whether it had gone to heaven4 ,don't ,i suppose if he had been taken there himself that very minute1 that he would have found a little balloon in waiting for him8 ,how can ,i help it80 8,it has a pretty sound4 ,if people would not think it so material and shocking--0 8,let people read ,martin ,luther's letter to his little boy4 ,there is the testimony of a pillar in good and regular standing6 ,i don't think you need be afraid of my balloon1 after that40 ,i remembered that there was a letter of his on heaven1 but1 not recalling it distinctly1 ,i hunted for it to-night1 and read it over4 ,i shall copy it1 the better to retain it in mind4 8,grace and peace in ,christ1 my dear little son4 ,i see with pleasure that thou learnest well1 and prayed diligently4 ,do so1 my son1 and continue4 ,when ,i come home ,i will bring thee a pretty fairing4 8,i know a pretty1 merry garden wherein are many children4 ,they have little golden coats1 and they gather beautiful apples under the trees1 and pears1 cherries1 plums1 and wheat-plums2--they sing1 and jump1 and are merry4 ,they have beautiful little horses1 too1 with gold bits and silver saddles4 ,and ,i asked the man to whom the garden belongs1 whose children they were4 ,and he said3 #8,they are the children that love to pray and to learn1 and are good4' ,then said ,i3 #8,dear man1 ,i have a son1 too2 his name is ,johnny ,luther4 ,may he not also come into this garden and eat these beautiful apples and pears1 and ride these fine horses8' ,then the man said3 #8,if he loves to pray and to learn1 and is good1 he shall come into this garden1 and ,lippus and ,jost too2 and when they all come together1 they shall have fifes and trumpets1 lutes and all sorts of music1 and they shall dance1 and shoot with little cross-bows4' 8,and he showed me a fine meadow there in the garden1 made for dancing4 ,there hung nothing but golden fifes1 trumpets1 and fine silver cross-bows4 ,but it was early1 and the children had not yet eaten2 therefore ,i could not wait the dance1 and ,i said to the man3 #8,ah1 dear sir6 ,i will immediately go and write all this to my little son ,johnny1 and tell him to pray diligently1 and to learn well1 and to be good1 so that he also may come to this garden4 ,but he has an ,aunt ,lehne1 he must bring her with him4' ,then the man said3 #8,it shall be so2 go1 and write him so4' 8,therefore1 my dear little son ,johnny1 learn and pray away6 and tell ,lippus and ,jost1 too that they must learn and pray4 ,and then you shall come to the garden together4 ,herewith ,i commend thee to ,almighty ,god4 ,and greet ,aunt ,lehne1 and give her a kiss for my sake4 8,thy dear ,father1 8,,martinus ,,luther4 8,,anno #aecj40 ,,xiii4 ,august #c4 ,the summer is sliding quietly away1--my desolate summer which ,i dreaded2 with the dreams gone from its wild flowers1 the crown from its sunsets1 the thrill from its winds and its singing4 ,but ,i have found out a thing4 ,one can live without dreams and crowns and thrills4 ,i have not lost them4 ,they lie under the ivied cross with ,roy for a little while4 ,they will come back to me with him4 8,nothing is lost10 she teaches me4 ,and until they come back1 ,i see--for she shows me--fields groaning under their white harvest1 with laborers very few4 ,ruth followed the sturdy reapers1 gleaning a little4 ,i1 perhaps1 can do as much4 ,the ways in which ,i must work seem so small and insignificant1 so pitifully trivial sometimes1 that ,i do not even like to write them down here4 ,in fact1 they are so small that1 six months ago1 ,i did not see them at all4 ,only to be pleasant to old ,phbe1 and charitable to ,meta ,tripp1 and faithful to my not very interesting little scholars1 and a bit watchful of worn-out ,mrs4 ,bland1 and--,but dear me1 ,i won't6 ,they are so little6 ,but one's self becomes of less importance1 which seems to be the point4 ,it seems very strange to me sometimes1 looking back to those desperate winter days1 what a change has come over my thoughts of ,roy4 ,not that he is any less--,o1 never any less to me4 ,but it is almost as if she had raised him from the grave4 ,why seek ye the living among the dead8 ,her soft1 compassionate eyes shine with the question every hour4 ,and every hour he is helping me1--ah1 ,roy1 we understand one another now4 ,how he must love ,aunt ,winifred6 ,how pleasant the days will be when we can talk her over1 and thank her together6 8,to be happy because ,roy is happy40 ,i remember how those first words of hers struck me4 ,it does not seem to me impossible1 now4 99 99 99 99 99 ,aunt ,winifred and ,i laugh at each other for talking so much about heaven4 ,i see that the green book is filled with my questions and her answers4 ,the fact is1 not that we do not talk as much about mundane affairs as other people1 but that this one thing interests us more4 ,if1 instead1 it had been flounces1 or babies1 or ,german philosophy1 the green book would have filled itself just as unconsciously with flounces1 or babies1 or ,german philosophy4 ,this interest in heaven is of course no sign of especial piety in me1 nor could people with young1 warm1 uncrushed hopes throbbing through their days be expected to feel the same4 ,it is only the old principle of1 where the treasure is--the heart4 8,how spiritual-minded ,mary has grown60 ,mrs4 ,bland observes1 regarding me respectfully4 ,i try in vain to laugh her out of the conviction4 ,if ,roy had not gone before1 ,i should think no more1 probably1 about the coming life1 than does the minister's wife herself4 ,but now--,i cannot help it--that is the reality1 this the dream2 that the substance1 this the shadow4 ,the other day ,aunt ,winifred and ,i had a talk which has been of more value to me than all the rest4 ,faith was in bed2 it was a cold1 rainy evening2 we were secure from callers2 we lighted a few kindlers in the parlor grate2 she rolled up the easy-chair1 and ,i took my cricket at her feet4 8,paul at the feet of ,gamaliel6 ,this is what ,i call comfort4 ,now1 ,auntie1 let us go to heaven awhile40 8,very well4 ,what do you want there now80 ,i paused a moment1 sobered by a thought that has been growing steadily upon me of late4 8,something more1 ,aunt ,winifred4 ,all these other things are beautiful and dear2 but ,i believe ,i want--,god4 8,you have not said much about ,him4 ,the ,bible says a great deal about ,him4 ,you have given me the filling-up of heaven in all its pleasant promise1 but--,i don't know--there seems to be an outline wanting40 ,she drew my hand up into hers1 smiling4 8,i have not done my painting by artistic methods1 ,i know2 but it was not exactly accidental4 8,tell me1 honestly1--is ,god more to you or less1 a more distinct ,being or a more vague one1 than ,he was six months ago8 ,is ,he1 or is ,he not1 dearer to you now than then80 ,i thought about it a minute1 and then turned my face up to her4 8,mary1 what a light in your eyes6 ,how is it80 ,it came over me slowly1 but it came with such a passion of gratitude and unworthiness1 that ,i scarcely knew how to tell her--that ,he never has been to me1 in all my life1 what he is now at the end of these six months4 ,he was once an abstract ,grandeur which ,i struggled more in fear than love to please4 ,he has become a living ,presence1 dear and real4 8,no dead fact stranded on the shore ,of the oblivious years2 ,but warm1 sweet1 tender1 even yet ,a present help40 444 ,he was an inexorable ,mystery who took ,roy from me to lose him in the glare of a more inexorable heaven4 ,he is a ,father who knew better than we that we should be parted for a while2 but ,he only means it to be a little while4 ,he is keeping him for me to find in the flush of some summer morning1 on which ,i shall open my eyes no less naturally than ,i open them on ,june sunrises now4 ,i always have that fancy of going in the morning4 ,she understood what ,i could not tell her1 and said1 8,i thought it would be so40 8,you1 ,his interpreter1 have done it10 ,i answered her4 8,his heaven shows what ,he is1--don't you see8--like a friend's letter4 ,i could no more go back to my old groping relations to ,him1 than ,i could make of you the dim and somewhat apocryphal ,western ,auntie that you were before ,i saw you40 8,which was precisely why ,i have dealt with this subject as ,i have10 she said4 8,you had all your life been directed to an indefinite heaven1 where the glory of ,god was to crowd out all individuality and all human joy from ,his most individual and human creatures1 till the 8,glory of ,god0 had become nothing but a name and a dread to you4 ,so ,i let those three words slide by1 and tried to bring you to them1 as ,christ brought the ,twelve to believe in him1 #8for the works' sake4' 8,yes1 my child2 clinging human loves1 stifled longings1 cries for rest1 forgotten hopes1 shall have their answer4 ,whatever the bewilderment of beauties folded away for us in heavenly nature and art1 they shall strive with each other to make us glad4 ,these things have their pleasant place4 ,but1 through eternity1 there will be always something beyond and dearer than the dearest of them4 ,god himself will be first1--naturally and of necessity1 without strain or struggle1 first40 ,when ,i sat here last winter with my dead in my house1 those words would have roused in me an agony of wild questionings4 ,i should have beaten about them and beaten against them1 and cried in my honest heart that they were false4 ,i knew that ,i loved ,roy more than ,i loved such a ,being as ,god seemed to me then to be4 ,now1 they strike me as simply and pleasantly true4 ,the more ,i love ,roy1 the more ,i love ,him4 ,he loves us both4 8,you see it could not be otherwise10 she went on1 speaking low4 8,where would you be1 or ,i1 or they who seem to us so much dearer and better than ourselves1 if it were not for ,jesus ,christ8 ,what can heaven be to us1 but a song of the love that is the same to us yesterday1 to-day1 and forever1--that1 in the mystery of an intensity which we shall perhaps never understand1 could choose death and be glad in the choosing1 and1 what is more than that1 could live life for us for three-and-thirty years8 8,i cannot strain my faith--or rather my common sense--to the rhapsodies with which many people fill heaven4 ,but it seems to me like this3 ,a friend goes away from us1 and it may be seas or worlds that lie between us1 and we love him4 ,he leaves behind him his little keepsakes2 a lock of hair to curl about our fingers2 a picture that has caught the trick of his eyes or smile2 a book1 a flower1 a letter4 ,what we do with the curling hair1 what we say to the picture1 what we dream over the flower and the letter1 nobody knows but ourselves4 ,people have risked life for such mementoes4 ,yet who loves the senseless gift more than the giver1--the curl more than the young forehead on which it fell1--the letter more than the hand which traced it8 8,so it seems to me that we shall learn to see in ,god the centre of all possibilities of joy4 ,the greatest of these lesser delights is but the greater measure of ,his friendship4 ,they will not mean less of pleasure1 but more of ,him4 ,they will not 8pale10 as ,dr4 ,bland would say4 ,human dearness will wax1 not wane1 in heaven2 but human friends will be loved for love of ,him40 8,i see2 that helps me2 like a torch in a dark room4 ,but there will be shadows in the corners4 ,do you suppose that we shall ever fully feel it in the body80 8,in the body1 probably not4 ,we see through a glass so darkly that the temptation to idolatry is always our greatest4 ,golden images did not die with ,paganism4 ,at times ,i fancy that1 somewhere between this world and another1 a revelation will come upon us like a flash1 of what sin really is1--such a revelation1 lighting up the lurid background of our past in such colors1 that the consciousness of what ,christ has done for us will be for a time as much as heart can bear4 ,after that1 the mystery will be1 not how to love ,him most1 but that we ever could have loved any creature or thing as much40 8,we serve ,god quite as much by active work as by special prayer1 here10 ,i said after some thought2 8how will it be there80 8,we must be busily at work certainly2 but ,i think there must naturally be more communion with ,him then4 ,now1 this phrase 8communion with ,god0 has been worn1 and not always well worn4 8,prayer means to us1 in this life1 more often penitent confession than happy interchange of thought with ,him4 ,it is associated1 too1 with aching limbs and sleepy eyes1 and nights when the lamp goes out4 ,obstacles1 moral and physical1 stand in the way of our knowing exactly what it may mean in the ideal of it4 8,my best conception of it lies in the friendship of the man ,christ ,jesus4 ,i suppose he will bear with him1 eternally1 the humanity which he took up with him from the ,judean hills4 ,i imagine that we shall see him in visible form like ourselves1 among us1 yet not of us2 that he1 himself1 is 8,gott mit ihnen02 that we shall talk with him as a man talketh with his friend4 ,perhaps1 bowed and hushed at his dear feet1 we shall hear from his own lips the story of ,nazareth1 of ,bethany1 of ,golgotha1 of the chilly mountains where he used to pray all night long for us2 of the desert places where he hungered2 of his cry for help--think1 ,mary--,his6--when there was not one in all the world to hear it1 and there was silence in heaven1 while angels strengthened him and man forsook him4 ,perhaps his voice--the very voice which has sounded whispering through our troubled life--8,could ye not watch one hour80--shall unfold its perplexed meanings2 shall make its rough places plain2 shall show us step by step the merciful way by which he led us to the hour2 shall point out to us1 joy by joy1 the surprises that he has been planning for us1 just as the old father in the story planned to surprise his wayward boy come home4 8,and such a #8communion1'--which is not too much1 nor yet enough1 to dare to expect of a ,god who was the #8friend' of ,abraham1 who #8walked' with ,enoch1 who did not call fishermen his servants1--such will be that #8presence of ,god1' that #8adoration1' on which we have looked from afar off with despairing eyes that wept1 they were so dazzled1 and turned themselves away as from the thing they greatly feared40 ,i think we neither of us cared to talk for a while after this4 ,something made me forget even that ,i was going to see ,roy in heaven4 8,three-and-thirty years4 ,three-and-thirty years40 ,the words rang themselves over4 8,it is on the humanity of ,christ10 she said after some musing1 8that all my other reasons for hoping for such a heaven as ,i hope for1 rest for foundation4 ,he knows exactly what we are1 for he has been one of us2 exactly what we hope and fear and crave1 for he has hoped and feared and craved1 not the less humanly1 but only more intensely4 8#8,if it were not so1'--do you take in the thoughtful tenderness of that8 ,a mother1 stilling her frightened child in the dark1 might speak just so1--#8if it were not so1 ,i would have told you4' ,that brooding love makes room for all that we can want4 ,he has sounded every deep of a troubled and tempted life4 ,who so sure as he to understand how to prepare a place where troubled and tempted lives may grow serene8 ,further than this2 since he stands as our great ,type1 no less in death and after than before it1 he answers for us many of these lesser questions on the event of which so much of our happiness depends4 8,shall we lose our personality in a vague ocean of ether1--you one puff of gas1 ,i another8-- 8,he1 with his own wounded body1 rose and ate and walked and talked4 8,is all memory of this life to be swept away8-- 8,he1 arisen1 has forgotten nothing4 ,he waits to meet his disciples at the old1 familiar places2 as naturally as if he had never been parted from them1 he falls in with the current of their thoughts4 8,has any one troubled us with fears that in the glorified crowds of heaven we may miss a face dearer than all the world to us8-- 8,he made himself known to his friends2 ,mary1 and the two at ,emmaus1 and the bewildered group praying and perplexed in their bolted room4 8,do we weary ourselves with speculations whether human loves can outlive the shock of death8-- 8,mary knew how ,he loved her1 when1 turning1 she heard him call her by her name4 ,they knew1 whose hearts #8burned within them while he talked with them by the way1 and when he tarried with them1 the day being far spent4'0 8,and for the rest80 8,for the rest1 about which ,he was silent1 we can trust him1 and if1 trusting1 we please ourselves with fancies1 he would be the last to think it blame to us4 ,there is one promise which grows upon me the more ,i study it1 #8,he that spared not his own ,son1 how shall he not also with him freely give us all things8' ,sometimes ,i wonder if that does not infold a beautiful double entendre1 a hint of much that you and ,i have conjectured1--as one throws down a hint of a surprise to a child4 8,then there is that pledge to those who seek first ,his kingdom3 #8,all these things shall be added unto you4' #8,these things1' were food and clothing1 were varieties of material delight1 and the words were spoken to men who lived hungry1 beggared1 and died the death of outcasts4 ,if this passage could be taken literally1 it would be very significant in its bearing on the future life2 for ,christ must keep his promise to the letter1 in one world or another4 ,it may be wrenching the verse1 not as a verse1 but from the grain of the argument1 to insist on the literal interpretation1--though ,i am not sure40 ,,xiv4 ,august #ae4 ,i asked the other day1 wondering whether all ministers were like ,dr4 ,bland1 what ,uncle ,forceythe used to believe about heaven4 8,very much what ,i do10 she said4 8,these questions were brought home to him1 early in life1 by the death of a very dear sister2 he had thought much about them4 ,i think one of the things that so much attached his people to him was the way he had of weaving their future life in with this1 till it grew naturally and pleasantly into their frequent thought4 ,o yes1 your uncle supplied me with half of my proof-texts40 ,aunt ,winifred has not looked quite well of late1 ,i fancy2 though it may be only fancy4 ,she has not spoken of it1 except one day when ,i told her that she looked pale4 ,it was the heat1 she said4 #bjth4 ,little ,clo came over to-night4 ,i believe she thinks ,aunt ,winifred the best friend she has in the world4 ,auntie has become much attached to all her scholars1 and has a rare power of winning her way into their confidence4 ,they come to her with all their little interests1--everything1 from saving their souls to trimming a bonnet4 ,clo1 however1 is the favorite1 as ,i predicted4 ,she looked a bit blue to-night1 as girls will look2 in fact1 her face always has a tinge of sadness about it4 ,aunt ,winifred1 understanding at a glance that the child was not in a mood to talk before a third1 led her away into the garden1 and they were gone a long time4 ,when it grew dark1 ,i saw them coming up the path1 ,clo's hand locked in her teacher's1 and her face1 which was wet1 upturned like a child's4 ,they strolled to the gate1 lingered a little to talk1 and then ,clo said good night without coming in4 ,auntie sat for a while after she had gone1 thinking her over1 ,i could see4 8,poor thing60 she said at last1 half to herself1 half to me1--8poor little foolish thing6 ,this is where the dreadful individuality of a human soul irks me4 ,there comes a point1 beyond which you can't help people40 8,what has happened to ,clo80 8,nothing1 lately4 ,it has been happening for two years4 ,two miserable years are an eternity1 at ,clo's age4 ,it is the old story1--a summer boarder2 a little flirting2 a little dreaming2 a little pain2 then autumn1 and the nuts dropping on the leaves1 and he was gone1--and knew not what he did1--and the child waked up4 ,there was the future2 to bake and sweep1 to go to sewing-circles1 and sing in the choir1 and bear the moonlight nights1--and she loved him4 ,she has lived through two years of it1 and she loves him now4 ,reason will not reach such a passion in a girl like ,clo4 ,i did not tell her that she would put it away with other girlish things1 and laugh at it herself some happy day1 as women have laughed at their young fancies before her2 partly because that would be a certain way of repelling her confidence1--she does not believe it1 and my believing could not make her2 partly because ,i am not quite sure about it myself4 ,clo has a good deal of the woman about her2 her introspective life is intense4 ,she may cherish this sweet misery as she does her musical tastes1 till it has struck deep root4 ,there is nothing in the excellent ,mrs4 ,bentley's household1 nor in ,homer anywhere1 to draw the girl out from herself in time to prevent the dream from becoming a reality40 8,poor little thing6 ,what did you say to her80 8,you ought to have heard what she said to me6 ,i wish ,i were at liberty to tell you the whole story4 ,what troubles her most is that it is not going to help the matter any to die4 #8,o ,mrs4 ,forceythe1' she says1 in a tone that is enough to give the heart-ache1 even to such an old woman as ,mrs4 ,forceythe1 #8,o ,mrs4 ,forceythe1 what is going to become of me up there8 ,he never loved me1 you see1 and he never1 never will1 and he will have some beautiful1 good wife of his own1 and ,i won't have anybody6 ,for ,i can't love anybody else1--,i've tried2 ,i tried just as hard as ,i could to love my cousin ',bin2 he's real good1 and--,i'm--afraid ',bin likes me1 though ,i guess he likes his carpet-sweepers better4 ,o1 sometimes ,i think1 and think1 till it seems as if ,i could not bear it6 ,i don't see how ,god can make me happy4 ,i wish ,i could be buried up and go to sleep1 and never have any heaven6'0 8,and you told her--80 8,that she should have him there4 ,that is1 if not himself1 something1--somebody who would so much more than fill his place1 that she would never have a lonely or unloved minute4 ,her eyes brightened1 and shaded1 and pondered1 doubting4 ,she #8didn't see how it could ever be4' ,i told her not to try and see how1 but to leave it to ,christ4 ,he knew all about this little trouble of hers1 and he would make it right4 8#8,will he8' she questioned1 sighing2 #8but there are so many of us6 ,there's ',bin1 and a plenty more1 and ,i don't see how it's going to be smoothed out4 ,everything is in a jumble1 ,mrs4 ,forceythe1 don't you see8 for some people can't like and keep liking so many times4' ,something came into my mind about the rough places that shall be made plain1 and the crooked things straight4 ,i tried to explain to her1 and at last ,i kissed away her tears1 and sent her home1 if not exactly comforted1 a little less miserable1 ,i think1 than when she came4 ,ah1 well1--,i wonder myself sometimes about these #8crooked things'2 but1 though ,i wonder1 ,i never doubt40 ,she finished her sentence somewhat hurriedly1 and half started from her chair1 raising both hands with a quick1 involuntary motion that attracted my notice4 ,the lights came in just then1 and1 unless ,i am much mistaken1 her face showed paler than usual2 but when ,i asked her if she felt faint1 she said1 8,o no1 ,i believe ,i am a little tired1 and will go to bed40 ,september #a4 ,i am glad that the summer is over4 ,this heat has certainly worn on ,aunt ,winifred1 with that kind of wear which slides people into confirmed invalidism4 ,i suppose she would bear it in her saintly way1 as she bears everything1 but it would be a bitter cup for her4 ,i know she was always pale1 but this is a paleness which-- ,night4 ,a dreadful thing has happened6 ,i was in the middle of my sentence1 when ,i heard a commotion in the street1 and a child's voice shouting incoherently something about the doctor1 and 8mother's killed6 ,o1 mother's killed6 mother's burnt to death60 ,i was at the window in time to see a blond-haired girl running wildly past the house1 and to see that it was ,molly ,bland4 ,at the same moment ,i saw ,aunt ,winifred snatching her hat from its nail in the entry4 ,she beckoned to me to follow1 and we were half-way over to the parsonage before ,i had a distinct thought of what ,i was about4 ,we came upon a horrible scene4 ,dr4 ,bland was trying to do everything alone2 there was not a woman in the house to help him1 for they have never been able to keep a servant1 and none of the neighbors had had time to be there before us4 ,the poor husband was growing faint1 ,i think4 ,aunt ,winifred saw by a look that he could not bear much more1 sent him after ,molly for the doctor1 and took everything meantime into her own charge4 ,i shall not write down a word of it4 ,it was a sight that1 once seen1 will never leave me as long as ,i live4 ,my nerves are thoroughly shaken by it1 and it must be put out of thought as far as possible4 ,it seems that the little boy--the baby--crept into the kitchen by himself1 and began to throw the contents of the match-box on the stove1 8to make a bonfire10 the poor little fellow said4 ,in five minutes his apron was ablaze4 ,his mother was on the spot at his first cry1 and smothered the little apron1 and saved the child1 but her dress was muslin1 and everybody was too far off to hear her at first1--and by the time her husband came in from the garden it was too late4 ,she is living yet4 ,her husband1 pacing the room back and forth1 and crouching on his knees by the hour1 is praying ,god to let her die before the morning4 ,morning4 ,there is no chance of life1 the doctor says4 ,but he has been able to find something that has lessened her sufferings4 ,she lies partially unconscious4 ,wednesday night4 ,aunt ,winifred and ,i were over at the parsonage to-night1 when she roused a little from her stupor and recognized us4 ,she spoke to her husband1 and kissed me good by1 and asked for the children4 ,they were playing softly in the next room2 we sent for them1 and they came in1--the four unconscious1 motherless little things1--with the sunlight in their hair4 ,the bitterness of death came into her marred face at sight of them1 and she raised her hands to ,auntie--to the only other mother there--with a sudden helpless cry3 8,i could bear it1 ,i could bear it1 if it weren't for them4 ,without any mother all their lives1--such little things1--and to go away where ,i can't do a single thing for them60 ,aunt ,winifred stooped down and spoke low1 but decidedly4 8,you will do for them4 ,god knows all about it4 ,he will not send you away from them4 ,you shall be just as much their mother1 every day of their lives1 as you have been here4 ,perhaps there is something to do for them which you never could have done here4 ,he sees4 ,he loves them4 ,he loves you40 ,if ,i could paint1 ,i might paint the look that struck through and through that woman's dying face2 but words cannot touch it4 ,if ,i were ,aunt ,winifred1 ,i should bless ,god on my knees to-night for having shown me how to give such ease to a soul in death4 ,thursday morning4 ,god is merciful4 ,mrs4 ,bland died at five o'clock4 #ajth4 ,how such a voice from the heavens shocks one out of the repose of calm sorrows and of calm joys4 ,this has come and gone so suddenly that ,i cannot adjust it to any quiet and trustful thinking yet4 ,the whole parish mourns excitedly2 for1 though they worked their minister's wife hard1 they loved her well4 ,i cannot talk it over with the rest4 ,it jars4 ,horror should never be dissected4 ,besides1 my heart is too full of those four little children with the sunlight in their hair and the unconsciousness in their eyes4 #aeth4 ,mrs4 ,quirk came over to-day in great perplexity4 ,she had just come from the minister's4 8,i don't know what we're a goin' to do with him60 she exclaimed in a gush of impatient1 uncomprehending sympathy2 8you can't let a man take on that way much longer4 ,he'll worry himself sick1 and then we shall either lose him or have to pay his bills to ,europe6 ,why1 he jest stops in the house1 and walks his study up and down1 day and night2 or else he jest sets and sets and don't notice nobody but the children4 ,now ,i've jest ben over makin' him some chicken-pie1--he used to set a sight by my chicken-pie1--and he made believe to eat it1 'cause ,i'd ben at the trouble1 ,i suppose1 but how much do you suppose he swallowed8 ,jest three mouthfuls6 ,thinks says ,i1 ,i won't spend my time over chicken-pie for the afflicted agin1 and on ironing-day1 too6 ,when ,i knocked at the study door1 he said1 #8,come in1 and stopped his walkin' and turned as quick4 8#8,o1' says he1 #8good morning4 ,i thought it was ,mrs4 ,forceythe4' 8,i told him no1 ,i wasn't ,mrs4 ,forceythe1 but ,i'd come to comfort him in his sorrer all the same4 ,but that's the only thing ,i have agin our minister4 ,he won't be comforted4 ,mary ,ann ,jacobs1 who's ben there kind of looking after the children and things for him1 you know1 sence the funeral--she says he's asked three or four times for you1 ,mrs4 ,forceythe4 ,there's ben plenty of his people in to see him1 but you haven't ben nigh him1 ,mary ,ann says40 8,i stayed away because ,i thought the presence of friends at this time would be an intrusion10 ,auntie said2 8but if he would like to see me1 that alters the case4 ,i will go1 certainly40 8,i don't know10 suggested ,mrs4 ,quirk1 looking over the tops of her spectacles1--8,i s'pose it's proper enough1 but you bein' a widow1 you know1 and his wife--0 ,aunt ,winifred's eyes shot fire4 ,she stood up and turned upon ,mrs4 ,quirk with a look the like of which ,i presume that worthy lady had never seen before1 and is not likely to see soon again 7it gave the beautiful scorn of a ,zenobia to her fair1 slight face71 moved her lips slightly1 but said nothing1 put on her bonnet1 and went straight to ,dr4 ,bland's4 ,the minister1 they told her1 was in his study4 ,she knocked lightly at the door1 and was bidden in a lifeless voice to enter4 ,shades and blinds were drawn1 and the glare of the sun quite shut out4 ,dr4 ,bland sat by his study-table1 with his face upon his hands4 ,a ,bible lay open before him4 ,it had been lately used2 the leaves were wet4 ,he raised his head dejectedly1 but smiled when he saw who it was4 ,he had been thinking about her1 he said1 and was glad that she had come4 ,i do not know all that passed between them1 but ,i gather1 from such hints as ,auntie in her unconsciousness throws out1 that she had things to say which touched some comfortless places in the man's heart4 ,no ,greek and ,hebrew 8original10 no polished dogma1 no link in his stereotyped logic1 not one of his eloquent sermons on the future state1 came to his relief4 ,these were meant for happy days4 ,they rang cold as steel upon the warm needs of an afflicted man4 ,brought face to face1 and sharply1 with the blank heaven of his belief1 he stood up from before his dead1 and groped about it1 and cried out against it in the bitterness of his soul4 8,i had no chance to prepare myself to bow to the will of ,god10 he said1 his reserved ministerial manner in curious contrast with the caged way in which he was pacing the room1--8,i had no chance4 ,i am taken by surprise1 as by a thief in the night4 ,i had a great deal to say to her1 and there was no time4 ,she could tell me what to do with my poor little children4 ,i wanted to tell her other things4 ,i wanted to tell her--,perhaps we all of us have our regrets when the ,lord removes our friends2 we may have done or left undone many things2 we might have made them happier4 ,my mind does not rest with assurance in its conceptions of the heavenly state4 ,if ,i never can tell her--0 ,he stopped abruptly1 and paced into the darkest shadows of the shadowed room1 his face turned away4 8,you said once some pleasant things about heaven80 he said at last1 half appealingly1 stopping in front of her1 hesitating2 like a man and like a minister1 hardly ready to come with all the learning of his schools and commentators and sit at the feet of a woman4 ,she talked with him for a time in her unobtrusive way1 deferring1 when she honestly could1 to his clerical judgment1 and careful not to wound him by any word2 but frankly and clearly1 as she always talks4 ,when she rose to go he thanked her quietly4 8,this is a somewhat novel train of thought to me10 he said2 8,i hope it may not prove an unscriptural one4 ,i have been reading the book of ,revelation to-day with these questions especially in mind4 ,we are never too old to learn4 ,some passages may be capable of other interpretations than ,i have formerly given them4 ,no matter what ,i wish1 you see1 ,i must be guided by the ,word of my ,god40 ,auntie says that she never respected the man so much as she did when1 hearing those words1 she looked up into his haggard face1 convulsed with its human pain and longing4 8,i hope you do not think that ,i am not guided by the ,word of ,god10 she answered4 8,i mean to be40 8,i know you mean to be10 he said cordially4 8,i do not say that you are not4 ,i may come to see that you are1 and that you are right4 ,it will be a peaceful day for me if ,i can ever quite agree with your methods of reasoning4 ,but ,i must think these things over4 ,i thank you once more for coming4 ,your sympathy is grateful to me40 ,just as she closed the door he called her back4 8,see10 he said1 with a saddened smile4 8,at least ,i shall never preach this again4 ,it seems to me that life is always undoing for us something that we have just laboriously done40 ,he held up before her a mass of old blue manuscript1 and threw it1 as he spoke1 upon the embers left in his grate4 ,it smoked and blazed up and burned out4 ,it was that sermon on heaven of which there is an abstract in this journal4 #bjth4 ,aunt ,winifred hired ,mr4 ,tripp's gray this afternoon1 and drove to ,east ,homer on some unexplained errand4 ,she did not invite me to go with her1 and ,faith1 though she teased impressively1 was left at home4 ,her mother was gone till late1--so late that ,i had begun to be anxious about her1 and heard through the dark the first sound of the buggy wheels1 with great relief4 ,she looked very tired when ,i met her at the gate4 ,she had not been able1 she said1 to accomplish her errand at ,east ,homer1 and from there had gone to ,worcester by railroad1 leaving ,old ,gray at the ,east ,homer ,eagle till her return4 ,she told me nothing more1 and ,i asked no questions4 ,,xv4 ,sunday4 ,faith has behaved like a witch all day4 ,she knocked down three crickets and six hymn-books in church this morning1 and this afternoon horrified the assembled and devout congregation by turning round in the middle of the long prayer1 and1 in a loud and distinct voice1 asking ,mrs4 ,quirk for 8#8nother those pepp'mints such as you gave me one ,sunday a good many years ago1 you 'member40 ,after church1 her mother tried a few ,bible questions to keep her still4 8,faith1 who was ,christ's father80 8,jerusalem60 said ,faith1 promptly4 8,where did his parents take ,jesus when they fled from ,herod80 8,o1 to ,europe4 ,of course ,i knew that6 ,everybody goes to ,europe40 ,to-night1 when her mother had put her to bed1 she came down laughing4 8,faith does seem to have a hard time with the ,lord's ,prayer4 ,to-night1 being very sleepy and in a hurry to finish1 she proceeded with great solemnity3--#8,our ,father who art in heaven1 hallowed be thy name2 six days shalt thou labor and do all thy work1 and--,oh6' 8,i was just thinking how amused her father must be40 ,auntie says many such things4 ,i cannot explain how pleasantly they strike me1 nor how they help me4 #bith4 ,dr4 ,bland gave us a good sermon yesterday4 ,there is an indescribable change in all his sermons4 ,there is a change1 too1 in the man1 and that something more than the haggardness of grief4 ,i not only respect him and am sorry for him1 but ,i feel more ready to be taught by him than ever before4 ,a certain indefinable humanness softens his eyes and tones1 and seems to be creeping into everything that he says4 ,yet1 on the other hand1 his people say that they have never heard him speak such pleasant1 helpful things concerning his and their relations to ,god4 ,i met him the other night1 coming away from his wife's grave1 and was struck by the expression of his face4 ,i wondered if he were not slowly finding the 8peaceful day10 of which he told ,aunt ,winifred4 ,she1 by the way1 has taken another of her mysterious trips to ,worcester4 #cjth4 ,we were wondering to-day where it will be1--,i mean heaven4 8,it is impossible to do more than wonder10 ,auntie said1 8though we are explicitly told that there will be new heavens and a new earth1 which seems1 if anything can be taken literally in the ,bible1 to point to this world as the future home of at least some of us40 8,not for all of us1 of course80 8,i don't feel sure4 ,i know that somebody spent his valuable time in estimating that all the people who have lived and died upon the earth would cover it1 alive or buried1 twice over2 but ,i know that somebody else claims with equal solemnity to have discovered that they could all be buried in the ,state of ,pennsylvania6 ,but it would be of little consequence if we could not all find room here1 since there must be other provision for us40 8,why80 8,certainly there is #8a place' in which we are promised that we shall be #8with ,christ1' this world being yet the great theatre of human life and battle-ground of ,satan2 no place1 certainly1 in which to confine a happy soul without prospect of release4 ,the ,spiritualistic notion of #8circles' of dead friends revolving over us is to me intolerable4 ,i want my husband with me when ,i need him1 but ,i hope he has a place to be happy in1 which is out of this woful world4 8,the old astronomical idea1 stars around a sun1 and systems around a centre1 and that centre the ,throne of ,god1 is not an unreasonable one4 ,isaac ,taylor1 among his various conjectures1 inclines1 ,i fancy1 to suppose that the sun of each system is the heaven of that system4 ,though the glory of ,god may be more directly and impressively exhibited in one place than in another1 we may live in different planets1 and some of us1 after its destruction and renovation1 on this same dear old1 happy and miserable1 loved and maltreated earth4 ,i hope ,i shall be one of them4 ,i should like to come back and build me a beautiful home in ,kansas1--,i mean in what was ,kansas1--among the happy people and the familiar1 transfigured spots where ,john and ,i worked for ,god so long together4 ,that--with my dear ,lord to see and speak with every day--would be #8,heaven our ,home4'0 8,there will be no days1 then80 8,there will be succession of time4 ,there may not be alternations of twenty-four hours dark or light1 but #8,i use with thee an earthly language1' as the wife said in that beautiful little #8,awakening1' of ,therrmin's4 ,do you remember it8 ,do read it over1 if you haven't read it lately4 8,as to our coming back here1 there is an echo to ,peter's assertion1 in the idea of a world under a curse1 destroyed and regenerated1--the atonement of ,christ reaching1 with something more than poetic force1 the very sands of the earth which he trod with bleeding feet to make himself its ,saviour4 ,that makes me feel--don't you see8--what a taint there is in sin4 ,if dumb dust is to have such awful cleansing1 what must be needed for you and me8 8,how many pleasant talks we have had about these things1 ,mary6 ,well1 it cannot be long1 at the longest1 before we know1 even as we are known40 ,i looked at her smiling white face1--it is always very white now1--and something struck slowly through me1 like a chill4 ,october #af1 midnight4 ,there is no such thing as sleep at present4 ,writing is better than thinking4 ,aunt ,winifred went again to ,worcester to-day4 ,she said that she had to buy trimming for ,faith's sack4 ,she went alone1 as usual1 and ,faith and ,i kept each other company through the afternoon1--she on the floor with ,mary ,ann1 ,i in the easy-chair with ,macaulay4 ,as the light began to fall level on the floor1 ,i threw the book aside1--being at the end of a volume1--and1 ,mary ,ann having exhausted her attractions1 ,i surrendered unconditionally to the little maiden4 ,she took me up garret1 and down cellar1 on lop of the wood-pile1 and into the apple-trees2 ,i fathomed the mysteries of ,old ,man's ,castle and ,still ,palm2 ,i was her grandmother1 ,i was her baby1 ,i was a rabbit1 ,i was a chestnut horse1 ,i was a watch-dog1 ,i was a mild-tempered giant1 ,i was a bear 8warranted not to eat little girls10 ,i was a roaring hippopotamus and a canary bird1 ,i was ,jeff ,davis and ,i was ,moses in the bulrushes1 and of what ,i was1 the time faileth me to tell4 ,it comes over me with a curious1 mingled sense of the ludicrous and the horrible1 that ,i should have spent the afternoon like a baby and almost as happily1 laughing out with the child1 past and future forgotten1 the tremendous risks of 8,i spy0 absorbing all my present2 while what was happening was happening1 and what was to come was coming4 ,not an echo in the air1 not a prophecy in the sunshine1 not a note of warning in the song of the robins that watched me from the apple-boughs6 ,as the long1 golden afternoon slid away1 we came out by the front gate to watch for the child's mother4 ,i was tired1 and1 lying back on the grass1 gave ,faith some pink and purple larkspurs1 that she might amuse herself in making a chain of them4 ,the picture that she made sitting there on the short1 dying grass--the light which broke all about her and over her at the first1 creeping slowly down and away to the west1 her little fingers linking the rich1 bright flowers tube into tube1 the dimple on her cheek and the love in her eyes--has photographed itself into my thinking4 ,how her voice rang out1 when the wheels sounded at last1 and the carriage1 somewhat slowly driven1 stopped6 8,mamma1 mamma6 see what ,i've got for you1 mamma60 ,auntie tried to step from the carriage1 and called me3 8,mary1 can you help me a little8 ,i am--tired40 ,i went to her1 and she leaned heavily on my arm1 and we came up the path4 8,such a pretty little chain1 all for you1 mamma10 began ,faith1 and stopped1 struck by her mother's look4 8,it has been a long ride1 and ,i am in pain4 ,i believe ,i will lie right down on the parlor sofa4 ,mary1 would you be kind enough to give ,faith her supper and put her to bed80 ,faith's lip grieved4 8,cousin ,mary isn't you1 mamma4 ,i want to be kissed4 ,you haven't kissed me40 ,her mother hesitated for a moment2 then kissed her once1 twice2 put both arms about her neck2 and turned her face to the wall without a word4 8,mamma is tired1 dear10 ,i said2 8come away40 ,she was lying quite still when ,i had done what was to be done for the child1 and had come back4 ,the room was nearly dark4 ,i sat down on my cricket by her sofa4 8,shall ,phbe light the lamp80 8,not just yet40 8,can't you drink a cup of tea if ,i bring it80 8,not just yet40 8,did you find the sack-trimming80 ,i ventured1 after a pause4 8,i believe so1--yes40 ,she drew a little package from her pocket1 held it a moment1 then let it roll to the floor forgotten4 ,when ,i picked it up1 the soft1 tissue-paper wrapper was wet and hot with tears4 8,mary80 8,yes40 8,i never thought of the little trimming till the last minute4 ,i had another errand40 ,i waited4 8,i thought at first ,i would not tell you just yet4 ,but ,i suppose the time has come2 it will be no more easy to put it off4 ,i have been to ,worcester all these times to see a doctor40 ,i bent my head in the dark1 and listened for the rest4 8,he has his reputation2 they said he could help me if anybody could4 ,he thought at first he could4 ,but to-day--,mary1 see here40 ,she walked feebly towards the window1 where a faint1 gray light struggled in1 and opened the bosom of her dress4444 ,there was silence between us for a long while after that2 she went back to the sofa1 and ,i took her hand and bowed my face over it1 and so we sat4 ,the leaves rustled out of doors4 ,faith1 up stairs1 was singing herself to sleep with a droning sound4 8,he talked of risking an operation10 she said1 at length1 8but decided to-day that it was quite useless4 ,i suppose ,i must give up and be sick now2 ,i am feeling the reaction from having kept up so long4 ,he thinks ,i shall not suffer a very great deal4 ,he thinks he can relieve me1 and that it may be soon over40 8,there is no chance80 8,no chance40 ,i took both of her hands1 and cried out1 ,i believe1 as ,i did that first night when she spoke to me of ,roy1--8,auntie1 ,auntie1 ,auntie60 and tried to think what ,i was doing1 but only cried out the more4 8,why1 ,mary60 she said1--8why1 ,mary60 and again1 as before1 she passed her soft hand to and fro across my hair1 till by and by ,i began to think1 as ,i had thought before1 that ,i could bear anything which ,god who loved us all--who surely loved us all--should send4 ,so then1 after ,i had grown still1 she began to tell me about it in her quiet voice1 and the leaves rustled1 and ,faith had sung herself to sleep1 and ,i listened wondering4 ,for there was no pain in the quiet voice1--no pain1 nor tone of fear4 ,indeed1 it seemed to me that ,i detected1 through its subdued sadness1 a secret1 suppressed buoyancy of satisfaction1 with which something struggled4 8,and you80 ,i asked1 turning quickly upon her4 8,i should thank ,god with all my heart1 ,mary1 if it were not for ,faith and you4 ,but it is for ,faith and you4 ,that's all40 ,when ,i had locked the front door1 and was creeping up here to my room1 my foot crushed something1 and a faint1 wounded perfume came up4 ,it was the little pink and purple chain4 ,,xvi4 ,october #ag4 8,the ,lord ,god a'mighty help us6 but ,his ways are past finding out4 ,what with one thing and another thing1 that child without a mother1 and you with the crape not yet rusty for ,mr4 ,roy'l1 it doos seem to me as if ,his manner of treating folks beats all6 ,but ,i tell you this1 ,miss ,mary1 my dear2 you jest say your prayers reg'lar and stick to ,him1 and ,he'll pull you through1 sure60 ,this was what ,phbe said when ,i told her4 ,november #h4 ,to-night1 for the first time1 ,auntie fairly gave up trying to put ,faith to bed4 ,she had insisted on it until now1 crawling up by the banisters like a wounded thing4 ,this time she tottered and sank upon the second step4 ,she cried out1 feebly2 8,i am afraid ,i must give it up to ,cousin ,mary4 ,faith60--the child clung with both hands to her1--8,faith1 ,faith6 ,mother's little girl60 ,it was the last dear care of motherhood yielded2 the last link snapped4 ,it seemed to be the very bitterness of parting4 ,i turned away1 that they might bear it together1 they two alone4 #aith4 ,yet ,i think that took away the sting4 ,the days are slipping away now very quietly1 and--to her ,i am sure1 and to me for her sake--very happily4 ,she suffers less than ,i had feared1 and she lies upon the bed and smiles1 and ,faith comes in and plays about1 and the cheery morning sunshine falls on everything1 and when her strong hours come1 we have long talks together1 hand clasped in hand4 ,such pleasant talks6 ,we are quite brave to speak of anything1 since we know that what is to be is best just so1 and since we fear no parting4 ,i tell her that ,faith and ,i will soon learn to shut our eyes and think we see her1 and try to make it almost the same1 for she will never be very far away1 will she8 ,and then she shakes her head smiling1 for it pleases her1 and she kisses me softly4 ,then we dream of how it will all be1 and how we shall love and try to please each other quite as much as now4 8,it will be like going around a corner1 don't you see80 she says4 8,you will know that ,i am there all the while1 though hidden1 and that if you call me ,i shall hear40 ,then we talk of ,faith1 and of how ,i shall comfort her2 that ,i shall teach her this1 and guard her from that1 and how ,i shall talk with her about heaven and her mother4 ,sometimes ,faith comes up and wants to know what we are saying1 and lays poor ,mary ,ann1 sawdust and all1 upon the pillow1 and wants 8her toof-ache kissed away40 ,so ,auntie kisses away the dolly's 8toof-ache02 and kisses the dolly's little mother1 sometimes with a quiver on her lips1 but more often with a smile in her eyes1 and ,faith runs back to play1 and her laugh ripples out1 and her mother listens--listens-- ,sometimes1 too1 we talk of some of the people for whom she cares2 of her husband's friends2 of her scholars1 or ,dr4 ,bland1 or ,clo1 or poor ',bin ,quirk1 or of somebody down town whom she was planning to help this winter4 ,little ,clo comes in as often as she is strong enough to see her1 and sends over untold jellies and blanc-manges1 which ,faith and ,i have to eat4 8,but don't let the child know that10 ,auntie says4 ,but more often we talk of the life which she is so soon to begin2 of her husband and ,roy2 of what she will try to say to ,christ2 how much dearer ,he has grown to her since she has lain here in pain at ,his bidding1 and how ,he helps her1 at morning and at eventide and in the night-watches4 ,we talk of the trees and the mountains and the lilies in the garden1 on which the glory of the light that is not the light of the sun may shine2 of the 8little brooks0 by which she longs to sit and sing to ,faith2 of the treasures of art which she may fancy to have about her2 of the home in which her husband may be making ready for her coming1 and wonder what he has there1 and if he knows how near the time is now4 ,but ,i notice lately that she more often and more quickly wearies of these things2 that she comes back1 and comes back again to some loving thought--as loving as a child's--of ,jesus ,christ4 ,he seems to be--as she once said she tried that ,he should be to ,faith--her 8best friend40 ,sometimes1 too1 we wonder what it means to pass out of the body1 and what one will be first conscious of4 8,i used to have a very human1 and by no means slight1 dread of the physical pain of death10 she said to-day2 8but1 for some reason or other1 that is slowly leaving me4 ,i imagine that the suffering of any fatal sickness is worse than the immediate process of dissolution4 ,then there is so much beyond it to occupy one's thoughts4 ,one thing ,i have thought much about2 it is that1 whatever may be our first experience after leaving the body1 it is not likely to be a revolutionary one4 ,it is more in analogy with ,god's dealings that a quiet process1 a gentle accustoming1 should open our eyes on the light that would blind if it came in a flash4 ,perhaps we shall not see ,him1--perhaps we could not bear it to see ,him at once4 ,it may be that the faces of familiar human friends will be the first to greet us2 it may be that the touch of the human hand dearer than any but ,his own shall lead us1 as we are able1 behind the veil1 till we are a little used to the glory and the wonder1 and lead us so to ,him4 8,be that as it may1 and be heaven where it may1 ,i am not afraid4 ,with all my guessing and my studying and my dreaming over these things1 ,i am only a child in the dark4 #8,nevertheless1 ,i am not afraid of the dark4' ,god bless ,mr4 ,robertson for saying that6 ,i'm going to bless him when ,i see him4 ,how pleasant it will be to see him1 and some other friends whose faces ,i never saw in this world4 ,david1 for instance1 or ,paul1 or ,cowper1 or ,president ,lincoln1 or ,mrs4 ,browning4 ,the only trouble is that ,i am nobody to them6 ,however1 ,i fancy that they will let me shake hands with them4 8,no1 ,i am quite willing to trust all these things to ,god4 #8,and what if much be still unknown8 ,thy ,lord shall teach thee that1 ,when thou shalt stand before ,his throne1 ,or sit as ,mary sat4' ,i may find them very different from what ,i have supposed4 ,i know that ,i shall find them infinitely more satisfying than ,i have supposed4 ,as ,schiller said of his philosophy1 #8,perhaps ,i may be ashamed of my raw design1 at sight of the true original4 ,this may happen2 ,i expect it2 but then1 if reality bears no resemblance to my dreams1 it will be a more majestic1 a more delightful surprise4' 8,i believe nothing that ,god denies4 ,i cannot overrate the beauty of his promise4 ,so it surely can have done no harm for me to take the comfort of my fancying till ,i am there2 and what a comfort it has been to me1 ,god only knows4 ,i could scarcely have borne some things without it40 8,you are never afraid that anything proving a little different from what you expect might--0 8,might disappoint me8 ,no2 ,i have settled that in my heart with ,god4 ,i do not think ,i shall be disappointed4 ,the truth is1 he has obviously not opened the gates which bar heaven from our sight1 but he has as obviously not shut them2 they stand ajar1 with the ,bible and reason in the way1 to keep them from closing2 surely we should look in as far as we can1 and surely1 if we look with reverence1 our eyes will be holden1 that we may not cheat ourselves with mirages4 ,and1 as the little ,swedish girl said1 the first time she saw the stars3 #8,o father1 if the wrong side of heaven is so beautiful1 what must the right side be8'0 ,january4 ,i write little now1 for ,i am living too much4 ,the days are stealing away and lessening one by one1 and still ,faith plays about the room1 though very softly now1 and still the cheery sunshine shimmers in1 and still we talk with clasping hands1 less often and more pleasantly4 ,morning and noon and evening come and go2 the snow drifts down and the rain falls softly2 clouds form and break and hurry past the windows2 shadows melt and lights are shattered1 and little rainbows are prisoned by the icicles that hang from the eaves4 ,i sit and watch them1 and watch the sick-lamp flicker in the night1 and watch the blue morning crawl over the hills2 and the old words are stealing down my thought3 ,that is the substance1 this the shadow2 that the reality1 this the dream4 ,i watch her face upon the pillow2 the happy secret on its lips2 the smile within its eyes4 ,it is nearly a year now since ,god sent the face to me4 ,what it has done for me ,he knows2 what the next year and all the years are to be without it1 ,he knows1 too4 ,it is slipping away1--slipping4 ,and ,i--must--lose it4 ,perhaps ,i should not have said what ,i said to-night2 but being weak from watching1 and seeing how glad she was to go1 seeing how all the peace was for her1 all the pain for us1 ,i cried1 8,o ,auntie1 ,auntie1 why can't we go too8 ,why can't ,faith and ,i go with you80 ,but she answered me only1 8,mary1 ,he knows40 ,we will be brave again to-morrow4 ,a little more sunshine in the room6 ,a little more of ,faith and the dolly6 ,the ,sabbath4 ,she asked for the child at bedtime to-night1 and ,i laid her down in her night-dress on her mother's arm4 ,she kissed her1 and said her prayers1 and talked a bit about ,mary ,ann1 and to-morrow1 and her snow man4 ,i sat over by the window in the dusk1 and watched a little creamy cloud that was folding in the moon4 ,presently their voices grew low1 and at last ,faith's stopped altogether4 ,then ,i heard in fragments this3-- 8,sleepy1 dear8 ,but you won't have many more talks with mamma4 ,keep awake just a minute1 ,faith1 and hear--can you hear8 ,mamma will never1 never forget her little girl2 she won't go away very far2 she will always love you4 ,will you remember as long as you live8 ,she will always see you1 though you can't see her1 perhaps4 ,hush1 my darling1 don't cry6 ,isn't ,god naughty8 ,no1 ,god is good2 ,god is always good4 ,he won't take mamma a great way off4 ,one more kiss8 ,there6 now you may go to sleep4 ,one more6 ,come1 ,cousin ,mary40 ,june #f4 ,it is a long time since ,i have written here4 ,i did not want to open the book till ,i was sure that ,i could open it quietly1 and could speak as she would like to have me speak1 of what remains to be written4 ,but a very few words will tell it all4 ,it happened so naturally and so happily1 she was so glad when the time came1 and she made me so glad for her sake1 that ,i cannot grieve4 ,i say it from my honest heart1 ,i cannot grieve4 ,in the place out of which she has gone1 she has left me peace4 ,i think of something that ,miss ,procter said about the opening of that golden gate1 8round which the kneeling spirits wait4 ,the halo seems to linger round those kneeling closest to the door3 ,the joy that lightened from that place shines still upon the watcher's face40 ,i think more often of some things that she herself said in the very last of those pleasant talks1 when1 turning a leaf in her little ,bible1 she pointed out to me the words3-- 8,it is expedient for you that ,i go away2 for1 if ,i go not away1 the ,comforter will not come40 ,it was one spring-like night1--the twenty-ninth of ,march4 ,she had been in less pain1 and had chatted and laughed more with us than for many a day4 ,she begged that ,faith might stay till dark1 and might bring her ,noah's ark and play down upon the foot of the bed where she could see her4 ,i sat in the rocking-chair with my face to the window4 ,we did not light the lamps4 ,the night came on slowly4 ,showery clouds flitted by1 but there was a blaze of golden color behind them4 ,it broke through and scattered them2 it burned them1 and melted them2 it shot great pink and purple jets up to the zenith2 it fell and lay in amber mist upon the hills4 ,a soft wind swept by1 and darted now and then into the glow1 and shifted it about1 color away from color1 and back again4 8,see1 ,faith60 she said softly2 8put down the little camel a minute1 and look60 and added after1 but neither to the child nor to me1 it seemed3 8,at eventide there shall be light40 ,phbe knocked presently1 and ,i went out to see what was wanted1 and planned a little for ,auntie's breakfast1 and came back4 ,faith1 with her little ark1 was still playing quietly upon the bed4 ,i sat down again in my rocking-chair with my face to the window4 ,now and then the child's voice broke the silence1 asking ,where should she put the elephant1 and was there room there for the yellow bird8 and now and then her mother answered her1 and so presently the skies had faded1 and so the night came on4 ,i was thinking that it was ,faith's bedtime1 and that ,i had better light the lamp1 when a few distinct1 hurried words from the bed attracted my attention4 8,faith1 ,i think you had better kiss mamma now1 and get down40 ,there was a change in the voice4 ,i was there in a moment1 and lifted the child from the pillow1 where she had crept4 ,but she said1 8,wait a minute1 ,mary2 wait a minute10--for ,faith clung to her1 with one hand upon her cheek1 softly patting it4 ,i went over and stood by the window4 ,it was her mother herself who gently put the little fingers away at last4 8,mother's own little girl6 ,good night1 my darling1 my darling40 ,so ,i took the child away to ,phbe1 and came back1 and shut the door4 8,i thought you might have some message for ,roy10 she said4 8,now80 8,now1 ,i think40 ,we had often talked of this1 and she had promised to remember it1 whatever it might be4 ,so ,i told her--,but ,i will not write what ,i told her4 ,i saw that she was playing weakly with her wedding-ring1 which hung very loosely below its little worn guard4 8,take the little guard10 she said1 8and keep it for ,faith2 but bury the other with me3 he put it on2 nobody else must take it--0 ,the sentence dropped1 unfinished4 ,i crept up on the bed beside her1 for she seemed to wish it4 ,i asked if ,i should light the lamp1 but she shook her head4 ,the room seemed light1 she said1 quite light4 ,she wondered then if ,faith were asleep1 and if she would waken early in the morning4 ,after that ,i kissed her1 and then we said nothing more1 only presently she asked me to hold her hand4 ,it was quite dark when she turned her face at last towards the window4 8,john60 she said1--8why1 ,john60 99 99 99 99 99 ,they came in1 with heads uncovered and voices hushed1 to see her1 in the days while she was lying down stairs among the flowers4 ,once when ,i thought that she was alone1 ,i went in1--it was at twilight1--and turned1 startled by a figure that was crouched sobbing on the floor4 8,o1 ,i want to go too1 ,i want to go too60 it cried4 8,she's ben there all day long10 said ,phbe1 wiping her eyes1 8and she won't go home for a mouthful of victuals1 poor creetur6 but she jest sets there and cries and cries1 an' there's no stoppin' of her60 ,it was little ,clo4 ,at another time1 ,i was there with fresh flowers1 when the door opened1 creaking a little1 and ',bin ,quirk came in on tiptoe1 trying in vain to still the noise of his new boots4 ,his eyes were red and wet1 and he held out to me timidly a single white carnation4 8,could you put it somewhere1 where it wouldn't do any harm8 ,i walked way over to ,worcester and back to get it4 ,if you could jest hide it under the others out of sight1 seems to me it would do me a sight of good to feel it was there1 you know40 ,i motioned to him to lay it himself between her fingers4 8,o1 ,i darsn't4 ,i'm not fit1 ,i'm not4 ,she'd rether have you40 ,but ,i told him that ,i knew she would be as pleased that he should give it to her himself as she was when he gave her the ,china pinks on that distant summer day4 ,so the great awkward fellow bent down1 as simply as a child1 as tenderly as a woman1 and left the flower in its place4 8,she liked 'em10 he faltered2 8maybe1 if what she used to say is all so1 she'll like 'em now4 ,she liked 'em better than she did machines4 ,i've just got my carpet-sweeper through2 ,i was thinking how pleased she'd be2 ,i wanted to tell her4 ,if ,i should go to the good place1--if ever ,i do go1 it will be just her doin's1--,i'll tell her then1 maybe1 ,i--0 ,he forgot that anybody was there1 and1 sobbing1 hid his face in his great hands4 99 99 99 99 99 ,so we are waiting for the morning when the gates shall open1--,faith and ,i4 ,i1 from my stiller watches1 am not saddened by the music of her life4 ,i feel sure that her mother wishes it to be a cheery life4 ,i feel sure that she is showing me1 who will have no motherhood by which to show myself1 how to help her little girl4 ,and ,roy1--ah1 well1 and ,roy1--he knows4 ,our hour is not yet come4 ,if the ,master will that we should be about ,his ,father's business1 what is that to us8 ,,the ,,end4