,this etext was produced by ,steve ,bonner4 ,,writing ,,for ,,vaudeville ,,with ,,nine ,,complete ,,examples ,,of ,,various ,,vaudeville ,,forms ,,by ,,richard ,,harding ,,davis1 ,,aaron ,,hoffman1 ,,edgar ,,allan ,,woolf1 ,,taylor ,,granville1 ,,louis ,,weslyn1 ,,arthur ,,denvir1 ,,and ,,james ,,madison ,,by ,,brett ,,page ,,author ,,of ,,close ,,harmony1 ,,camping ,,days1 ,,memories1 ,,etc4 ,,dramatic ,,editor1 ,,newspaper ,,feature ,,service1 ,,new ,,york ,,the ,,writer',s ,,library ,,edited ,,by ,j4 ,,berg ,,esenwein ,,foreword ,can you be taught how to write for vaudeville8 ,if you have the native gift1 what experienced writers say about its problems1 what they themselves have accomplished1 and the means by which it has been wrought1 will be of help to you4 ,so much this book offers1 and more ,i would not claim for it4 ,although this volume is the first treatise on the subject of which ,i know1 it is less an original offering than a compilation4 ,growing out of a series of articles written in collaboration with ,mr4 ,william ,c4 ,lengel for ,the ,green ,book ,magazine1 the subject assumed such bigness in my eyes that when ,i began the writing of this book1 ,i spent months harvesting the knowledge of others to add to my own experience4 ,with the warm-heartedness for which vaudevillians are famous1 nearly everyone whose aid ,i asked lent assistance gladly4 ,it is vaudeville's first book1 said more than one1 deprecating the value of his own suggestions1 and we want it right in each slightest particular4 ,to the following kindly gentlemen ,i wish to express my especial thanks3 ,aaron ,hoffman1 ,edwin ,hopkins1 ,james ,madison1 ,edgar ,allan ,woolf1 ,richard ,harding ,davis--the foremost example of a writer who made a famous name first in literature and afterward in vaudeville--,arthur ,hopkins1 ,taylor ,granville1 ,junie ,mc,cree1 ,arthur ,denvir1 ,frank ,fogarty1 ,irving ,berlin1 ,charles ,k4 ,harris1 ,l4 ,wolfe ,gilbert1 ,ballard ,mac,donald1 ,louis ,bernstein1 ,joe ,mc,carthy1 ,joseph ,hart1 ,joseph ,maxwell1 ,george ,a4 ,gottlieb1 ,daniel ,f4 ,hennessy1 ,sime ,silverman1 ,thomas ,j4 ,gray1 ,william ,c4 ,lengel1 ,miss ,nellie ,revell1 the big sister of vaudeville1 and a host of others whose names space does not permit my naming again here1 but whose work is evidenced in the following pages4 ,to ,alexander ,black1 the man who made the first picture play twenty-one years ago1 ,i owe thanks for points in the discussion of dramatic values4 ,and for many helpful suggestions1 and his kindly editing1 ,i wish to express my gratitude to ,dr4 ,j4 ,berg ,esenwein4 ,to these friends indeed belongs whatever merit this book possesses4 ,,brett ,,page ,,brooklyn1 ,,new ,,york ,august #be1 #aiae ,,introduction ,it falls to the lot of few men in these days to blaze a new trail in ,bookland4 ,this ,mr4 ,brett ,page has done1 with firmness and precision1 and with a joy in every stroke that will beget in countless readers that answering joy which is the reward of both him who guides and him who follows4 ,there is but one word for a work so penetrating1 so eductive1 so clear--and that word is masterly4 ,let no one believe the modest assertion that ,writing for ,vaudeville is less an original offering than a compilation4 ,i have seen it grow and re-grow1 section by section1 and never have ,i known an author give more care to the development of his theme in an original way4 ,mr4 ,page has worked with fidelity to the convictions gained while himself writing professionally1 yet with deference for the opinions of past masters in this field4 ,the result is a book quite unexcelled among manuals of instruction1 for authority1 full statement1 analysis of the sort that leads the reader to see what essentials he must build into his own structures1 and sympathetic helpfulness throughout4 ,i count it an honor to have been the editorial sponsor for a pioneer book which will be soon known everywhere4 ,j4 ,,berg ,,esenwein ,,writing ,,for ,,vaudeville ,,chapter ,i ,,the ,,why ,,of ,,the ,,vaudeville ,,act #a4 ,the ,rise of ,vaudeville ,a ,french workman who lived in the ,valley of the ,vire in the fourteenth or fifteenth century1 is said to be vaudeville's grandparent4 ,of course1 the child of his brain bears not even a remote resemblance to its descendant of to-day1 yet the line is unbroken and the relationship clearer than many of the family trees of the royal houses4 ,the ,french workman's name was ,oliver ,bassel1 or ,olivier ,basselin1 and in his way he was a poet4 ,he composed and sang certain sprightly songs which struck the popular fancy and achieved a reputation not only in his own town but throughout the country4 ,bassel's success raised the usual crop of imitators and soon a whole family of songs like his were being whistled in ,france4 ,in the course of time these came to be classed as a new and distinct form of musical entertainment4 ,they were given the name of ,val-de-,vire from the valley in which ,bassel was born4 ,this name became corrupted1 into vaux-de-vire in the time of ,louis ,,xvi1 and was applied to all the popular or topical songs sung on the streets of ,paris4 ,then the aristocrats took up these songs and gave entertainments at their country seats4 ,to these entertainments they gave the name of vaux-de-ville1 the last syllable being changed to honor ,bassel's native town #a ,and gradually the x was dropped and the word has remained through the years as it is to-day4 #a ,another version relates that these songs were sung on the ,pont ,neuf in ,paris1 where stands the ,hotel de ,ville1 or ,city ,hall1 and thus the generic name acquired the different termination4 ,as the form of entertainment advanced1 the word vaudeville expanded in meaning4 ,it came to comprise not only a collection of songs1 but also acrobatic feats and other exhibitions4 ,having no dramatic sequence whatever1 these unrelated acts when shown together achieved recognition as a distinct form of theatrical entertainment4 ,as vaudeville--or variety--this form of entertainment became known and loved in every country of the world4 ,vaudeville was introduced into this country before #ahbj1 but it did not become a common form of entertainment until shortly before the ,civil ,war when the word 'variety' was at once adopted and became familiar as something peculiarly applicable to the troubled times4 ,the new and always cheerful entertainment found the reward of its optimism in a wide popularity4 ,but as those days of war were the days of men1 vaudeville made its appeal to men only4 ,and then the war-clouds passed away and the show business had to reestablish itself1 precisely as every other commercial pursuit had to readjust itself to changed conditions4 ,tony ,pastor saw his opportunity4 ,on ,july #ca1 #ahfe1 he opened ,tony ,pastor's ,opera ,house at #aii-bja ,bowery1 ,new ,york4 ,he had a theory that a vaudeville entertainment from which every objectionable word and action were taken away1 and from which the drinking bar was excluded1 would appeal to women and children as well as men4 ,he knew that no entertainment that excluded women could long hold a profitable place in a man's affections4 ,so to draw the whole family to his new ,opera ,house1 ,tony ,pastor inaugurated clean vaudeville #a4 ,pastor's success was almost instantaneous4 ,it became the fashion to go to ,pastor's ,opera ,house and later when he moved to ,broadway1 and then up to ,fourteenth ,street1 next to ,tammany ,hall1 he carried his clientele with him4 ,and vaudeville1 as a form of entertainment that appealed to every member of the home circle1 was firmly established--for a while4 #a ,in the ,new ,york ,clipper for ,december #ai1 #aiad1 there is an interesting article3 ,the ,days of ,tony ,pastor1 by ,al4 ,fostelle1 an old-time vaudeville performer1 recounting the names of the famous performers who played for ,tony ,pastor in the early days4 ,it reads like a who's who of vaudeville history4 ,mr4 ,fostelle1 has in his collection a bill of an entertainment given in ,england in #agbc1 consisting of singing1 dancing1 character impersonations1 with musical accompaniment1 tight-rope walking1 acrobatic feats1 etc4 ,for ,pastor's success in ,new ,york did not at first seem to the average vaudeville manager something that could be duplicated everywhere4 ,a large part of the profits of the usual place came from the sale of drinks and to forego this source of revenue seemed suicidal4 ,therefore1 vaudeville as a whole continued for years on the old plane4 ,variety was the name--in ,england vaudeville is still called variety--that it held even more widely then4 ,and in the later seventies and the early eighties variety was on the ebb-tide4 ,it was classed even lower than the circus1 from which many of its recruits were drawn4 ,among the men who came to vaudeville's rescue1 because they saw that to appear to the masses profitably1 vaudeville must be clean1 were ,f4 ,f4 ,proctor in ,philadelphia1 and ,b4 ,f4 ,keith in ,boston4 ,on ,washington ,street in ,boston1 ,b4 ,f4 ,keith had opened a store show4 ,the room was very small and he had but a tiny stage2 still he showed a collection of curiosities1 among which were a two-headed calf and a fat woman4 ,later on he added a singer and a serio-comic comedian and insisted that they eliminate from their acts everything that might offend the most fastidious4 ,the result was that he moved to larger quarters and ten months later to still more commodious premised4 ,continuous vaudeville--eleven o'clock in the morning until eleven at night--had its birth on ,july #f1 #ahhe4 ,it struck the popular fancy immediately and soon there was hardly a city of any importance that did not possess its continuous house4 ,from the continuous vaudeville has developed the two-performances-a-day policy1 for which vaudeville is now so well known4 ,the vaudeville entertainment of this generation is1 however1 a vastly different entertainment from that of even the nineties4 ,what it has become in popular affection it owes not only to ,tony ,pastor1 ,f4 ,f4 ,proctor1 or even to ,b4 ,f4 ,keith--great as was his influence--but to a host of showmen whose names and activities would fill more space than is possible here4 ,e4 ,f4 ,albee1 ,oscar ,hammerstein1 ,s4 ,z4 ,poli1 ,william ,morris1 ,mike ,shea1 ,james ,e4 ,moore1 ,percy ,g4 ,williams1 ,harry ,davis1 ,morris ,meyerfeld1 ,martin ,beck1 ,john ,j4 ,murdock1 ,daniel ,f4 ,hennessy1 ,sullivan and ,considine1 ,alexander ,pantages1 ,marcus ,loew1 ,charles ,e4 ,kohl1 ,max ,anderson1 ,henry ,zeigler1 and ,george ,castle1 are but a few of the many men living and dead who have helped to make vaudeville what it is4 ,from the old variety show1 made up of a singer of topical songs1 an acrobatic couple1 a tight-rope walker1 a sidewalk patter pair1 and perhaps a very rough comedy sketch1 there has developed a performance that sometimes includes as many as ten or twelve acts1 each one presented by an artist whose name is known around the world4 ,one of the laments of the old vaudeville performers is that they have a place in vaudeville no more4 ,the most famous grand opera singers and the greatest actors and actresses appear in their room4 ,the most renowned dramatists write some of its playlets4 ,the finest composers cut down their best-known works to fit its stage1 and little operas requiring forty people and three or four sets of scenery are the result4 ,to the legitimate #a stage vaudeville has given some of its successful plays and at least one grand opera has been expanded from a playlet4 ,to-day a vaudeville performance is the best thought of the world condensed to fit the flying hour4 #a ,legitimate is a word used in the theatrical business to distinguish the full-evening drama1 its actors1 producers1 and its mechanical stage from those of burlesque and vaudeville4 ,originally coined as a word of reproach against vaudeville1 it has lost its sting and is used by vaudevillians as well as legitimate actors and managers4 #b4 ,of ,what a ,vaudeville ,show is ,made ,there is no keener psychologist than a vaudeville manager4 ,not only does he present the best of everything that can be shown upon a stage1 but he so arranges the heterogeneous elements that they combine to form a unified whole4 ,he brings his audiences together by advertising variety and reputations1 and he sends them away aglow with the feeling that they have been entertained every minute4 ,his raw material is the best he can buy4 ,his finished product is usually the finest his brain can form4 ,he engages ,sarah ,bernhardt1 ,calve1 a ,sir ,james ,m4 ,barrie playlet1 ,ethel ,barrymore1 and ,henry ,miller4 ,he takes one of them as the nucleus of a week's bill4 ,then he runs over the names of such regular vaudevillians as ,grace ,la ,rue1 ,nat ,wills1 ,trixie ,friganza1 ,harry ,fox and ,yansci ,dollie1 ,emma ,carus1 ,sam and ,kitty ,morton1 ,walter ,c4 ,kelly1 ,conroy and ,le,maire1 ,jack ,wilson1 ,hyams and ,mc,intyre1 and ,frank ,fogarty4 ,he selects two or maybe three of them4 ,suddenly it occurs to him that he hasn't a big musical flash for his bill1 so he telephones a producer like ,jesse ,l4 ,lasky1 ,arthur ,hopkins or ,joe ,hart and asks him for one of his fifteen- or twenty-people acts4 ,this he adds to his bill4 ,then he picks a song-and-dance act and an acrobatic turn4 ,suddenly he remembers that he wants--not for this show1 but for some future week--,gertrude ,hoffman with her big company1 or ,eva ,tanguay all by herself4 ,this off his mind1 the manager lays out his show--if it is the standard nine-act bill--somewhat after the following plan1 as ,george ,a4 ,gottlieb1 who books ,keith's ,palace ,theatre1 ,new ,york1 shows--probably the best and certainly the biggest vaudeville entertainments seen in this country--has been good enough to explain4 ,we usually select a 'dumb act' for the first act on the bill4 ,it may be a dancing act1 some good animal act1 or any act that makes a good impression and will not be spoiled by the late arrivals seeking their seats4 ,therefore it sometimes happens that we make use of a song-and-dance turn1 or any other little act that does not depend on its words being heard4 ,for number two position we select an interesting act of the sort recognized as a typical 'vaudeville act4' ,it may be almost anything at all1 though it should be more entertaining than the first act4 ,for this reason it often happens that a good man-and-woman singing act is placed here4 ,this position on the bill is to 'settle' the audience and to prepare it for the show4 ,with number three position we count on waking up the audience4 ,the show has been properly started and from now on it must build right up to the finish4 ,so we offer a comedy dramatic sketch--a playlet that wakens the interest and holds the audience every minute with a culminative effect that comes to its laughter-climax at the 'curtain1' or any other kind of act that is not of the same order as the preceding turn1 so that1 having laid the foundations1 we may have the audience wondering what is to come next4 ,for number four position we must have a 'corker' of an act--and a 'name4' ,it must be the sort of act that will rouse the audience to expect still better things1 based on the fine performance of the past numbers4 ,maybe this act is the first big punch of the show2 anyway1 it must strike home and build up the interest for the act that follows4 ,and here for number five position1 a big act1 and at the same time another big name1 must be presented4 ,or it might be a big dancing act--one of those delightful novelties vaudeville likes so well4 ,in any event this act must be as big a 'hit' as any on the bill4 ,it is next to intermission and the audience must have something really worth while to talk over4 ,and so we select one of the best acts on the bill to crown the first half of the show4 ,the first act after intermission1 number six on the bill1 is a difficult position to fill1 because the act must not let down the carefully built-up tension of interest and yet it must not be stronger than the acts that are to follow4 ,very likely there is chosen a strong vaudeville specialty1 with comedy well to the fore4 ,perhaps a famous comedy dumb act is selected1 with the intention of getting the audience back in its seats without too many conspicuous interruptions of what is going on on the stage4 ,any sort of act that makes a splendid start-off is chosen1 for there has been a fine first half and the second half must be built up again--of course the process is infinitely swifter in the second half of the show--and the audience brought once more into a delighted-expectant attitude4 ,therefore the second act after intermission--number seven--must be stronger than the first4 ,it is usually a full-stage act and again must be another big name4 ,very likely it is a big playlet1 if another sketch has not been presented earlier on the bill4 ,it may be a comedy playlet or even a serious dramatic playlet1 if the star is a fine actor or actress and the name is well known4 ,or it may be anything at all that builds up the interest and appreciation of the audience to welcome the 'big' act that follows4 ,for here in number eight position--next to closing1 on a nine-act bill--the comedy hit of the show is usually placed4 ,it is one of the acts for which the audience has been waiting4 ,usually it is one of the famous 'single' man or 'single' women acts that vaudeville has made such favorites4 ,and now we have come to the act that closes the show4 ,we count on the fact that some of the audience will be going out4 ,many have only waited to see the chief attraction of the evening1 before hurrying off to their after-theatre supper and dance4 ,so we spring a big 'flash4' ,it must be an act that does not depend for its success upon being heard perfectly4 ,therefore a 'sight' act is chosen1 an animal act maybe1 to please the children1 or a ,japanese troupe with their gorgeous kimonos and vividly harmonizing stage draperies1 or a troupe of white-clad trapeze artists flying against a background of black4 ,whatever the act is1 it must be a showy act1 for it closes the performance and sends the audience home pleased with the program to the very last minute4 ,now all the time a booking-manager is laying out his show1 he has not only had these many artistic problems on his mind1 but also the mechanical working of the show4 ,for instance1 he must consider the actual physical demands of his stage and not place next each other two full-stage acts4 ,if he did1 how would the stage hands change the scenery without causing a long and tedious wait8 ,in vaudeville there must be no waits4 ,everything must run with unbroken stride4 ,one act must follow another as though it were especially made for the position4 ,and the entire show must be dovetailed to the split seconds of a stop-watch4 ,therefore it is customary to follow an 'act in ,one' 7,see below7 with an act requiring ,full ,stage4 ,then after the curtain has fallen on this act1 an act comes on to play in ,one again4 ,a show can1 of course1 start with a full-stage act1 and the alternation process remains the same4 ,or there may be an act that can open in ,one and then go into ,full ,stage--after having given the stage hands time to set their scenery--or vice versa1 close in ,one4 ,briefly1 the whole problem is simply this--acts must be arranged not only in the order of their interest value1 but also according to their physical demands4 ,but there is still another problem the manager must solve4 ',variety' is vaudeville's paternal name--vaudeville must present a varied bill and a show consisting of names that will tend to have a box-office appeal4 ,no two acts in a show should be alike4 ,no two can be permitted to conflict4 ',conflict' is a word that falls with ominous meaning on a vaudeville performer's or manager's ears1 because it means death to one of the acts and injury to the show as a whole4 ,if two famous singing 'single' women were placed on the same bill1 very likely there would be odious comparisons--even though they did not use songs that were alike4 ,and however interesting each might be1 both would lose in interest4 ,and yet1 sometimes we do just this thing--violating a minor rule to win a great big box-office appeal4 ,part of the many sides of this delicate problem may be seen when you consider that no two 'single' singing acts should be placed next each other--although they may not conflict if they are placed far apart on the bill4 ,and no two 'quiet' acts may be placed together4 ,the tempo of the show must be maintained--and because tragic playlets1 and even serious playlets1 are suspected of 'slowing up a show1' they are not booked unless very exceptional4 ,these are but a few of the many sides of the problem of what is called laying out a show4 ,a command of the art of balancing a show is a part of the genius of a great showman4 ,it is a gift4 ,it cannot be analyzed4 ,a born showman lays out his bill1 not by rule1 but by feeling4 #c4 ,the ,writer's ,part in a ,vaudeville ,show ,in preparing the raw material from which the manager makes up his show1 the writer may play many parts4 ,he may bear much of the burden of entertainment1 as in a playlet1 or none of the responsibility1 as in the average dumb act4 ,and yet1 he may write the pantomimic story that pleases the audience most4 ,indeed1 the writer may be everything in a vaudeville show1 and always his part is an important one4 ,of course the trained seals do not need a dramatist to lend them interest1 nor does the acrobat need his skill2 but without the writer what would the actress be1 and without the song-smith1 what would the singer sing8 ,and even the animal trainer may utilize the writer to concoct his line of talk4 ,the monologist1 who of all performers seems the most independent of the author1 buys his merriest stories1 his most up-to-the-instant jests1 ready-made from the writer who works like a marionette's master pulling the strings4 ,the two-act1 which sometimes seems like a funny impromptu fight1 is the result of the writer's careful thinking4 ,the flirtatious couple who stroll out on the stage to make everyone in the audience envious1 woo ,cupid through the brain of their author4 ,and the musical comedy1 with its strong combination of nearly everything2 is but the embodied flight of the writer's fancy4 ,in fact1 the writer supplies much of the life-blood of a vaudeville show4 ,without him modern vaudeville could not live4 ,thus1 much of the present wide popularity of vaudeville is due to the writer4 ,it is largely owing to the addition of his thoughts that vaudeville stands to-day as a greater influence--because it has a wider appeal--than the legitimate drama in the make-believe life of the land4 ,even the motion pictures1 which are nearer the eyes of the masses1 are not nearer their hearts4 ,vaudeville was the first to foster motion pictures and vaudeville still accords the motion picture the place it deserves on its bills4 ,for vaudeville is the amusement weekly of the world--it gathers and presents each week the best the world affords in entertainment4 ,and much of the best comes from the writer's brain4 ,because mechanical novelties that are vaudeville-worth-while are rare1 and because acrobats and animal trainers are of necessity limited by the frailties of the flesh1 and for the reason that dancers cannot forever present new steps1 it remains for the writer to bring to vaudeville the never-ceasing novelty of his thoughts4 ,new songs1 new ideas1 new stories1 new dreams are what vaudeville demands from the writer4 ,laughter that lightens the weary day is what is asked for most4 ,it is in the fulfilling of vaudeville's fine mission that writers all over the world are turning out their best4 ,and because the mission of vaudeville is fine1 the writing of anything that is not fine is contemptible4 ,the author who tries to turn his talents to base uses--putting an untrue emphasis on life's false values1 picturing situations that are not wholesome1 using words that are not clean--deserves the fate of failure that awaits him4 ,as ,e4 ,f4 ,albee1 who for years has been a controlling force in vaudeville1 wrote3 #a ,we have no trouble in keeping vaudeville clean and wholesome1 unless it is with some act that is just entering1 for the majority of the performers are jealous of the respectable name that vaudeville has to-day1 and cry out themselves against besmirchment by others4 #a ,the ,future of the ,show ,business1 by ,e4 ,f4 ,albee1 in ,the ,billboard for ,december #ai1 #aiad4 ,reality and truth are for what the vaudeville writer strives4 ,the clean1 the fine1 the wholesome is his goal4 ,he finds in the many theatres all over the land a countless audience eager to hear what he has to say4 ,and millions are invested to help him say it well4 ,,chapter ,,ii ,,should ,,you ,,try ,,to ,,write ,,for ,,vaudeville8 ,i became a writer1 ,george ,bernard ,shaw once said1 because ,i wanted to get a living without working for it--,i have since realized my mistake4 ,anyone who thinks that by writing for vaudeville he can get a living without working for it is doomed to a sad and speedy awakening4 ,if ,i were called upon to give a formula for the creation of a successful vaudeville writer1 ,i would specify3 ,the dramatic genius of a ,shakespere1 the diplomatic craftiness of a ,machiavelli1 the explosive energy of a ,roosevelt1 and the genius-for-long-hours of an ,edison3 mix in equal proportions1 add a dash of ,shaw's impudence1 all the patience of ,job1 and keep boiling for a lifetime over the seething ambition of ,napoleon4 ,in other--and less extreme--words1 if you contemplate writing for vaudeville for your bread and butter1 you must bring to the business1 if not genius1 at least the ability to think1 and if not boundless energy1 at any rate a determination never to rest content with the working hours of the ordinary professions4 ,if you suppose that the mere reading of this book is going to make you able to think1 permit me gently to disillusion you2 and if you are imbued with the flattering faith that after studying these chapters you will suddenly be able to sit down and write a successful playlet1 monologue1 two-act1 musical comedy libretto1 or even a good little gag1 in the words of classic vaudeville--forget it6 ,all this book can do for you--all any instruction can do--is to show you the right path1 show precisely how others have successfully essayed it1 and wish you luck4 ,do you remember the brave lines of ,w4 ,e4 ,henley1 the blind ,english poet3 ,out of the night that covers me1 ,black as the pit from pole to pole1 ,i thank whatever gods may be ,for my unconquerable soul4 ,and again in the same poem1 ,invictus3 ,i am the master of my fate3 ,i am the captain of my soul4 ,there sings the spirit that will carry a writer to success in vaudeville or in any other line of writing2 and it is this inspired attitude you should assume toward the present book of instruction4 ,these chapters1 carefully designed and painstakingly arranged1 contain information and suggestions which1 if studied and applied by the right person1 will help him to a mastery of vaudeville writing4 ,but they should be viewed not as laying down rules1 only as being suggestive4 ,this book cannot teach you how to write--with its aid you may be able to teach yourself4 ,are you the sort of person likely to make a success of writing for vaudeville8 ,you1 alone1 can determine4 ,but the following discussion of some of the elements of equipment which anyone purposing to write for vaudeville should possess1 may help you find the answer4 #a4 ,experience in ,other ,forms of ,writing ,valuable ,let us suppose that you have been engaged in writing for a newspaper for years4 ,you started as a reporter and because of your unusual ability in the handling of political news have made politics your specialty4 ,you have been doing nothing but politics until politics seems to be all you know4 ,suddenly the sporting editor falls ill1 and at the moment there is no one to take his place but you4 ,your assistant takes over your work and you are instructed to turn out a daily page of sporting news4 ,if you knew nothing at all about writing you would find the task nearly impossible to accomplish4 ,but you do know how to write and therefore the mere writing does not worry you4 ,and your experience as a special writer on politics has taught you that there are certain points all special newspaper work has in common and you apply your knowledge to the task before you4 ,still you are seriously handicapped for a time because you have been thinking in terms of politics4 ,but soon1 by turning all your energy and ability upon your new subject1 you learn to think in terms of sport4 ,and1 if you are a better thinker and a better writer than the old sporting editor1 it won't be long before you turn out a better sporting page than he did4 ,if you were the owner of the newspaper1 which1 in the emergency1 would you choose to be your sporting editor3 the untried man who has never demonstrated his ability to write1 the reporter who has no knowledge of special writing1 or the trained writer who has mastered one specialty and1 it may reasonably be supposed1 will master another quickly8 ,the same care you would exercise in choosing another man to work for you1 you should exercise in choosing your own work for yourself4 ,do you know how to write8 ,do you write with ease and find pleasure in the work8 ,if you do1 class yourself with the reporter4 ,what success have you had in writing fiction8 ,have you written successful novels or short-stories8 ,if you have1 class yourself with the special writer4 ,did you ever write a play8 ,was your full-evening play accepted and successful8 ,if you have written a play and if your play was a success1 class yourself with the sporting editor himself--but as one who has made a success in only one specialty in the realm of sport4 ,for1 those who have had some success in other forms of writing--even the successful playwright--and those who never have written even a salable joke1 all have to learn the slightly different form of the vaudeville act4 ,but1 having once learned the form and become perfectly familiar with vaudeville's peculiar requirements1 the dramatist and the trained fiction writer will outstrip the untrained novice4 ,remember that the tortoise was determined1 persistent1 and energetic4 #b4 ,ability to ,think in ,drama and ,technical ,knowledge of the ,stage ,required ,the dramatist and the trained fiction writer possess imagination1 they think in plots1 they have learned how to picture vivid1 dramatic incidents1 and they know a story when it comes up and taps them on the shoulder4 ,furthermore1 they know where to look for ideas1 and how to twist them to plot uses4 ,in every one of these points of special knowledge both the dramatist and the trained fiction writer have the advantage over the untrained novice1 for the essence of all vaudeville writing lies in plot--which is story--arrangement4 ,but there is a wide difference between being able to think in a story-plot and in drama1 and in this the playwright who has produced a full-evening play has the advantage over even the trained fiction writer when it comes to applying his dramatic knowledge to vaudeville4 ,precisely what the difference is1 and what drama itself is--especially that angle of the art to be found in vaudeville--will be taken up and explained as clearly as the ideas admit of explanation1 in the following pages4 ,but not on one page1 nor even in a whole chapter1 will the definition of drama be found1 for pulsating life cannot be bound by words4 ,however1 by applying the rules and heeding the suggestions herein contained1 you will be able to understand the why of the drama that you feel when you witness it upon the stage4 ,the ability to think in drama means being able to see drama and bring it fresh and new and gripping to the stage4 ,of course drama is nothing more than story presented by a different method than that employed in the short-story and the novel4 ,yet the difference in methods is as great as the difference between painting and sculpture4 ,indeed the novel-writer's methods have always seemed to me analogous to those employed by the painter1 and the dramatist's methods similar to those used by the sculptor4 ,and ,i have marvelled at the nonchalant way in which the fiction writer often rushes into the writing of a play1 when a painter would never think of trying to sculpt until he had learned at least some of the very different processes employed in the strange art-form of sculpture4 ,the radical difference between writing and playwrighting #a has never been popularly understood1 but some day it will be comprehended by everybody as clearly as by those whose business it is to make plays4 #a ,note the termination of the word playwright4 ,a wright is a workman in some mechanical business4 ,webster's dictionary says3 ,wright is used chiefly in compounds1 as1 figuratively1 playwright4 ,it is significant that the playwright is compelled to rely for nearly all his effects upon purely mechanical means4 ,an intimate knowledge of the stage itself is necessary for success in the writing of plays4 ,the dramatist must know precisely what means1 such as scenery1 sound-effects1 and lights--the hundred contributing elements of a purely mechanical nature at his command-- he can employ to construct his play to mimic reality4 ,in the present commercial position of the stage such knowledge is absolutely necessary1 or the writer may construct an act that cannot possibly win a production1 because he has made use of scenes that are financially out of the question1 even if they are artistically possible4 ,this is a fundamental knowledge that every person who would write for the stage must possess4 ,it ranks with the a b c course in the old common school education1 and yet nearly every novice overlooks it in striving after the laurel wreaths of dramatic success that are impossible without it4 ,and1 precisely in the degree that stage scenery is different from nature's scenes1 is the way people must talk upon the stage different from the way they talk on the street4 ,the method of stage speech--what is said1 not how it is said--is best expressed in the definition of all art1 which is summed up in the one word suppression4 ,not what to put in1 but what to leave out1 is the knowledge the playwright--in common with all other artists--must possess4 ,the difference in methods between writing a novel and writing a play lies in the difference in the scenes and speeches that must be left out1 as well as in the descriptions of scenery and moods of character that everyone knows cannot be expressed in a play by words4 ,furthermore1 the playwright is working with spoken1 not written1 words1 therefore he must know something about the art of acting1 if he would achieve the highest success4 ,he must know not only how the words he writes will sound when they are spoken1 but he must also know how he can make gestures and glances take the place of the volumes they can be made to speak4 ,therefore of each one of the different arts that are fused into the composite art of the stage1 the playwright must have intimate knowledge4 ,prove the truth of this statement for yourself by selecting at random any play you have liked and inquiring into the technical education of its author4 ,the chances are scores to one that the person who wrote that play has been closely connected with the stage for years4 ,either he was an actor1 a theatrical press agent1 a newspaper man1 a professional play-reader for some producer1 or gained special knowledge of the stage through a dramatic course at college or by continual attendance at the theatre and behind the scenes4 ,it is only by acquiring special knowledge of one of the most difficult of arts that anyone may hope to achieve success4 #c4 ,a ,familiar ,knowledge of ,vaudeville and its ,special ,stage ,necessary ,it is strange but true that a writer able to produce a successful vaudeville playlet often writes a successful full-evening play1 but that only in rare instances do full-evening dramatists produce successful vaudeville playlets4 ,clyde ,fitch wrote more than fifty-four long plays in twenty years1 and yet his ,frederic ,lemaitre1 used by ,henry ,miller in vaudeville1 was not a true vaudeville playlet--merely a short play--and achieved its success simply because ,fitch wrote it and ,miller played it with consummate art4 ,the vaudeville playlet and the play that is merely short1 are separate art forms1 they are precisely and as distinctly different as the short-story and the story that is merely short4 ,it is only within the last few years that ,brander ,matthews drew attention to the artistic isolation of the short-story2 and ,j4 ,berg ,esenwein1 in his very valuable work #a1 established the truth so that all might read and know it4 ,for years ,i have contended for the recognition of the playlet as an art form distinct from the play that is short4 #a ,writing the ,short-,story1 by ,j4 ,berg ,esenwein1 published uniform with this volume1 in1 ,the ,writer's ,library4 ,and what is true of the peculiar difference of the playlet form is1 in a lesser measure1 true of the monologue1 the two-act1 and the one-act musical comedy4 ,they are all different from their sisters and brothers that are found as integral parts of full-evening entertainments4 ,to recognize these forms as distinct1 to learn what material #b best lends itself to them and how it may be turned into the most natural and efficient form1 requires a special training different from that necessary for the writing of plays for the legitimate stage4 #b ,the word material in vaudeville means manuscript material4 ,to write vaudeville material is to write monologues and playlets and the other forms of stage speech used in vaudeville acts4 ,but not only is there a vast difference between the material and the art forms of the legitimate and the vaudeville stage1 there is also a great difference in their playing stages4 ,the arrangements of the vaudeville stage1 its lights and scenery1 are all unique1 as are even the playing spaces and mechanical equipment4 ,therefore the author must know the mechanical aids peculiar to his special craft1 as well as possess a familiar knowledge of the material that vaudeville welcomes and the unique forms into which that material must be cast4 #d4 ,what ,chance ,has the ,beginner8 ,the gentle reader who has read thus far certainly has not been deterred by the emphasis--not undue emphasis1 by the way--placed on the value of proved ability in other forms of writing to one who would write for vaudeville4 ,that he has not been discouraged by what has been said--if he is a novice--proves that he is not easily downcast4 ,if he has been discouraged--even if he has read this far simply from curiosity--proves that he is precisely the person who should not waste his time trying to write for vaudeville4 ,such a person is one who ought to ponder his lack of fitness for the work in hand and turn all his energies into his own business4 ,many a good clerk1 it has been truly said1 has been wasted in a poor writer4 ,but1 while emphasis has been laid upon the value of training in other forms of literary work1 the emphasis has been placed not on purely literary skill1 but on the possession of ideas and the training necessary to turn the ideas to account4 ,it is up to the ambitious beginner1 therefore1 to analyze the problem for himself and to decide if he possesses the peculiar qualifications that can by great energy and this special training place him upon a par with the write who has made a success in other forms of literary work4 ,for there is a sense in which no literary training is really necessary for success in vaudeville writing4 ,if the amateur has an imaginative mind1 the innate ability to see and turn to his own uses an interesting and coherent story1 and is possessed of the ability to think in drama1 and1 above all1 has the gift of humor1 he can write good vaudeville material1 even if he has not education or ability to write an acceptable poem1 article or short-story4 ,in other words1 a mastery of ,english prose or verse is not necessary for success in vaudeville writing4 ,some of the most successful popular songs1 the most successful playlets1 and other vaudeville acts1 have been written by men unable to write even a good letter4 ,but the constant advancement in excellence demanded of vaudeville material1 both by the managers and the public1 is gradually making it profitable for only the best-educated1 specially-trained writers to undertake this form of work4 ,the old1 illiterate1 rough-and-ready writer is passing1 in a day when the coon shouter has given the headline-place to ,calve and ,melba1 and every dramatic star has followed ,sarah ,bernhardt into the two-a-day4 #a #a ,the two-a-day is stage argot for vaudeville4 ,it comes from the number of performances the actor does1 for in vaudeville there are two shows every day1 six or seven days a week4 ,nevertheless1 in this sense the novice needs no literary training4 ,if he can see drama in real life and feels how it can be turned into a coherent1 satisfying story1 he can learn how to apply that story to the peculiar requirements of vaudeville4 ,but no amount of instruction can supply this inborn ability4 ,the writer himself must be the master of his fate1 the captain of his own dramatic soul4 ,,chapter ,,iii ,,the ,,vaudeville ,,stage ,,and ,,its ,,dimensions ,to achieve success in any art the artist must know his tools and for what purposes they are designed4 ,furthermore1 to achieve the highest success1 he must know what he cannot do as well as what he can do with them4 ,the vaudeville stage--considered as a material thing--lends itself to only a few definite possibilities of use1 and its scenery1 lights and stage-effects constitute the box of tools the vaudeville writer has at his command4 ,i4 ,,the ,,physical ,,proportions ,,of ,,the ,,vaudeville ,,stage ,the footlights are the equator of the theatre1 separating the front of the house1 or auditorium1 from the back of the house1 or stage4 ,the frame through which the audience views the stage is the proscenium arch4 ,flat against the stage side of the arch run the house curtain and the asbestos curtain that are raised at the beginning and lowered at the end of the performance4 ,that portion of the stage which lies between the curving footlights and a line drawn between the bases of the proscenium arch is called the apron4 ,the apron is very wide in old-fashioned theatres1 but is seldom more than two or three feet wide in recently built houses4 #a4 ,one ,back of the proscenium arch--four feet or more behind it--you have noticed canvas-covered wings painted in neutral-toned draperies to harmonize with every sort of curtain1 and you have noticed that they are pushed forward or drawn back as it is found necessary to widen or make narrow the stage opening4 ,these first wings1 called tormentors1 #a extend upward from the floor--anywhere from #ah to #be feet1--to the ,grand ,drapery and ,working ,drapery1 or first border1 which extend and hang just in front of them across the stage and hide the stage-rigging from the audience4 ,the space lying between the tormentors and a line drawn between the bases of the proscenium arch is called ,one4 #a ,no one of the score ,i have asked for the origin of the word tormentor has been able to give it4 ,they all say they have asked old-time stage-carpenters1 but even they did not know4 ,it is in ,one that monologues1 most single acts--that is1 acts presented by one person--and many two-acts--acts requiring but two people--are played4 ,behind the tormentors is a curtain called the olio1 which fulfills the triple purpose of hiding the rest of the stage1 serving as scenery for acts in ,one and often as a curtain to raise and lower on acts playing in the space back of ,one4 #b4 ,two ,five1 or six1 or even seven feet behind the tormentors you have noticed another set of wings which--extending parallel with the tormentors--serve to mask the rest of stage4 ,the space between these wings and the line of the olio is called ,two4 ,in ,two1 acts such as flirtation-acts--a man and a woman playing lover-like scenes--which use scenery or small props1 and all other turns requiring but a small playing space1 are staged4 #c4 ,three ,an equal number of feet back of the wings that bound ,two1 are wings that serve as boundaries for ,three4 ,in ,three1 playlets that require but shallow sets1 and other acts that need not more than twelve feet for presentation1 are played4 #d4 ,four or ,full ,stage ,behind the wings that bound ,three are another pair of wings1 set an equal number of feet back1 which serve as the boundaries of ,four4 ,but1 as there are rarely more than four entrances on any stage1 ,four is usually called ,full ,stage4 ,in ,full ,stage are presented all acts such as acrobatic acts1 animal turns1 musical comedies1 playlets and other pretentious acts that require deep sets and a wide playing space4 #e4 ,bare ,stage ,sometimes the very point of a playlet depends upon showing not the conventional stage1 as it is commonly seen1 but the real stage as it is1 unset with scenery2 therefore sometimes the entire stage is used as the playing stage1 and then in the vernacular it is called ,bare ,stage4 #a #a ,the ,new ,leader1 written by ,aaron ,hoffman and played for so many years by ,sam ,mann ,company1 is an excellent example of a ,bare ,stage act4 ,on the opposite page is a diagram of the stage of ,keith's ,palace ,theatre1 ,new ,york ,city4 ,a comparison of the preceding definitions with this diagram should give a clear understanding of the vaudeville playing stage4 ,,ii4 ,,the ,,working ,,departments ,,of ,,the ,,vaudeville ,,stage ,at audience-right--or stage-left--flat against the extended wall of the proscenium arch in the ,first ,entrance 7to ,one7 there is usually a signal-board equipped with push buttons presided over by the stage-manager4 ,the stage-manager is the autocrat behind the scenes4 ,his duty is to see that the program is run smoothly without the slightest hitch or wait between acts and to raise and lower the olio1 or to signal the act-curtain up or down1 on cues4 #b #b ,a cue is a certain word or action regarded as the signal for some other speech or action by another actor1 or the signal for the lights to change or a bell to ring or something to happen during the course of a dramatic entertainment4 diagram ,,stage-,,diagram ,,of ,,the ,,palace ,,theatre1 ,,new ,,york ,the author wishes to express his thanks to ,mr4 ,elmer ,f4 ,rogers1 house-manager1 and ,mr4 ,william ,clark1 stage-manager1 respectively1 of the ,palace ,theatre1 for the careful measurements from which this diagram was drawn4 ,when an act is ready to begin1 the stage-manager pushes a button to signal the olio up or raises it himself--if1 that drop #a is worked from the stage--and on the last cue he pushes another button to signal the curtain down1 or lowers it himself1 as the case may be4 ,he keeps time on the various acts and sees that the performers are ready when their turn arrives4 ,under the stage-manager are the various departments to which the working of scenery and effects are entrusted4 #a ,a drop is the general name for a curtain of canvas--painted to represent some scene and stretched on a batten--a long1 thick strip of wood--pocketed in the lower end to give the canvas the required stability4 ,sets of lines are tied to the upper batten on which the drop is tied and thus the drop can be raised or lowered to its place on the stage4 ,there are sets of lines in the rear boundaries of ,one1 ,two1 ,three and ,four1 and drops can be hung on any desired set4 #a4 ,the ,stage-,carpenter and ,his ,flymen and ,grips ,as a rule the stage-manager is also the stage-carpenter4 ,as such he1 the wizard of scenery1 has charge of the men1 and is able to erect a palace1 construct a tenement1 raise a garden or a forest1 or supply you with a city street in an instant4 ,up on the wall of the stage1 just under a network of iron called the gridiron--on which there are innumerable pulleys through which run ropes or lines that carry the scenery--there is1 in the older houses1 a balcony called the fly-gallery4 ,into the fly-gallery run the ends of all the lines that are attached to the counter-weighted drops and curtains2 and in the gallery are the flymen who pull madly on these ropes to lift or lower the curtains and drops when the signal flashes under the finger of the stage-manager at the signal-board below4 ,but in the newer houses nearly all drops and scenery are worked from the stage level1 and the fly-gallery--if there is one--is deserted4 ,when a set is to be made1 the stage-carpenter takes his place in the centre of the stage and claps his hands a certain number of times to make his men understand which particular set is wanted--if the sequence of the sets has not yet been determined and written down for the flymen to follow in definite order4 ,then the flymen lower a drop to its place on the stage and the grips push out the flats that make the wall of a room or the wings that form the scenery of a forest--or whatever the set may be4 #b4 ,the ,property-,man and ,his ,assistants ,into the mimic room that the grips are setting comes the ,property-man--,props1 in stage argot--with his assistants1 who place in the designated positions the furniture1 bric-a-brac1 pianos1 and other properties1 that the story enacted in this room demands4 ,after the act has been presented and the curtain has been rung down1 the order to strike is given and the clearers run in and take away all the furniture and properties1 while the property-man substitutes the new furniture and properties that are needed4 ,this is done at the same time the grips and fly men are changing the scenery4 ,no regiment is better trained in its duties4 ,the property-man of the average vaudeville theatre is a hard-worked chap4 ,beside being an expert in properties1 he must be something of an actor1 for if there is an extra man needed in a playlet with a line or two to speak1 it is on him that the duty falls4 ,he must be ready on the instant with all sorts of effects1 such as glass-crashes and wood-crashes1 when a noise like a man being thrown downstairs or through a window is required1 or if a doorbell or a telephone-bell must ring at a certain instant on a certain cue1 or the noise of thunder1 the wash of the sea on the shore1 or any one of a hundred other effects be desired4 #c4 ,the ,electrician ,upon the electrician fall all the duties of ,jove in the delicate matter of making the sun to shine or the moon to cast its pale rays over a lover's scene4 ,next to the stage-manager's signal-board1 or in a gallery right over it1 or perhaps on the other side of the stage1 stands the electric switch-board4 ,from here all the stage lights and the lights in the auditorium and all over the front of the house are operated4 ,from the footlights with their red and white and blue and vari-tinted bulbs1 to the borders that light the scenery from above1 the bunch-lights that shed required lights through windows1 the grate-logs1 the lamps and chandeliers that light the mimic rooms themselves1 and the spot-light operated by the man in the haven of the gallery gods out front1 all are under the direction of the electrician who sits up in his little gallery and makes the moonlight suddenly give place to blazing sunlight on a cue4 ,it is to the stage-manager and the stage-carpenter1 the property-man and the electrician1 that are due the working of the stage miracles that delight us in the theatres4 ,,iii4 ,,the ,,scenery ,,of ,,the ,,vaudeville ,,stage ,in the ancient days before even candles were invented--the rush-light days of ,shakespere and his predecessors--plays were presented in open court-yards or1 as in ,france1 in tennis-courts in the broad daylight4 ,a proscenium arch was all the scenery usually thought necessary in these outdoor performances1 and when the plays were given indoors even the most realistic scenery would have been of little value in the rush-lit semi-darkness4 ,then1 indeed1 the play was the thing4 ,a character walked into the ,,story and out of it again2 and place was left to the imagination of the audience1 aided by the changing of a sign that stated where the story had chosen to move itself4 ,as the centuries rolled along1 improvements in lighting methods made indoor theatrical presentations more common and brought scenery into effective use4 ,the invention of the kerosene lamp and later the invention of gas brought enough light upon the stage to permit the actor to step back from the footlights into a wider working-space set with the rooms and streets of real life4 ,then with the electric light came the scenic revolution that emancipated the stage forever from enforced gloomy darkness1 permitted the actor's expressive face to be seen farther back from the footlights1 and made of the proscenium arch the frame of a picture4 ,it is for this picture-frame stage that every dramatist is composing his plays1 ,brander ,matthews says2 and his methods are of necessity those of the picture-frame stage2 just as the methods of the ,elizabethan dramatic poet were of necessity those of the platform stage4 ,and on the same page3 ,the influence of the realistic movement of the middle of the nineteenth century imposed on the stage-manager the duty of making every scene characteristic of the period and of the people1 and of relating the characters closely to their environment4 #a #a ,the ,study of the ,drama1 ,brander ,matthews4 ,on the vaudeville stage to-day1 when all the sciences and the arts have come to the aid of the drama1 there is no period nor place1 nor even a feeling of atmosphere1 that cannot be reproduced with amazing truth and beauty of effect4 ,everything in the way of scenery is artistically possible1 from the squalid room of the tenement-dweller to the blossoming garden before the palace of a king--but artistic possibility and financial advisability are two very different things4 ,if an act is designed to win success by spectacular appeal1 there is no doubt that it is good business for the producer to spend as much money as is necessary to make his effects more beautiful and more amazing than anything ever before seen upon the stage4 ,but even here he must hold his expenses down to the minimum that will prove a good investment1 and what he may spend is dependent on what the vaudeville managers will pay for the privilege of showing that act in their houses4 ,but it is not worth spectacular acts that the vaudeville writer has particularly to deal4 ,his problem is not compounded of extravagant scenery1 gorgeous properties1 trick-scenes and light-effects4 ,like ,shakespere1 for him the play--the story--is the thing4 ,the problem he faces is an embarrassment of riches4 ,with everything artistically possible1 what is financially advisable8 #a4 ,the ,successful ,writer's ,attitude toward ,scenery ,the highest praise a vaudevillian can conjure up out of his vast reservoir of enthusiastic adjectives to apply to any act is1 ,it can be played in the alley and knock 'em cold4 ,in plain ,english he means1 the ,,story is so good that it doesn't require scenery4 ,scenery1 in the business of vaudeville--please note the word business--has no artistic meaning4 ,if the owner of a dwelling house could rent his property with the rooms unpapered and the woodwork unpainted1 he would gladly do so and pocket the saving1 wouldn't he8 ,in precisely the same spirit the vaudeville-act owner would sell his act without going to the expense of buying and transporting scenery1 if he could get the same price for it4 ,to the vaudevillian scenery is a business investment4 ,because he can get more money for his act if it is properly mounted in a pleasing picture1 the vaudeville producer invests in scenery4 ,but he has to figure closely1 just as every other business man is compelled to scheme and contrive in dollars and cents1 or the business asset of scenery will turn into a white elephant and eat up all his profits4 ,jesse ,l4 ,lasky1 whose many pleasing musical acts will be remembered1 had many a near-failure at the beginning of his vaudeville-producing career because of his artistic leaning toward the beautiful in stage setting4 ,his subsequent successes were no less pleasing because he learned the magic of the scenery mystery4 ,lasky is but one example1 and were it not that the names of vaudeville acts are but fleeting memories1 dimmed and eclipsed by the crowded impressions of many acts seen at one sitting1 there might be given an amazing list of beautiful little entertainments that have failed because of the transportation cost of the scenery they required4 ,when a producer is approached with a request to read a vaudeville act he invariably asks1 ,what scenery8 ,his problem is in two parts3 #a4 ,he must decide whether the merits of the act1 itself1 justify him in investing his money in scenery on the gamble that the act will be a success4 #b4 ,if the act proves a success1 can the scenery be transported from town to town at so low a cost that the added price he can get for the act will allow a gross profit large enough to repay the original cost of the scenery and leave a net profit8 ,an experience of my own in producing a very small act--small enough to be in the primary class--may be as amusing as it is typical4 ,my partners and ,i decided to put out a quartet4 ,we engaged four good singers1 two of them men1 and two women4 ,i wrote the little story that introduced them in a humorous way and we set to work rehearsing4 ,at the same time the scenic artist hung three nice big canvases on his paint frames and laid out a charming street-scene in the ,italian ,quarter of ,anywhere1 the interior of a squalid tenement and the throne room of a palace4 ,the first drop was designed to be hung behind the ,olio--for the act opened in ,one--and when the ,olio went up1 after the act's name was hung out1 the lights dimmed to the blue and soft green of evening in the ,quarter4 ,then the soprano commenced singing1 the tenor took up the duet1 and they opened the act by walking rhythmically with the popular ballad air to stage-centre in the amber of the spot-light4 ,when the duet was finished1 on came the baritone1 and then the contralto1 and there was a little comedy before they sang their first quartet number4 ,then the first drop was lifted in darkness and the scene changed to the interior of the squalid tenement in which the pathos of the little story unfolded1 and a characteristic song was sung4 ,at length the scene changed to the throne room of the palace1 where the plot resolved itself into happiness and the little opera closed with the ,quartet from ,rigoletto4 ,the act was a success2 it never received less than five bows and always took two encores4 ,but we paid three hundred and fifty dollars for those miracles of drops1 my partners and ,i1 and we used them only one week4 ,in the first place1 the drops were too big for the stage on which we tried out the act4 ,we could not use them there and played before the house street-drop and in the house palace set4 ,the act went very well4 ,we shipped the drops at length-rates--as all scenery is charged for by expressmen and railroads--to the next town4 ,there we used them and the act went better4 ,it was a question whether the bigger success was due to the smoother working of the act or to the beautiful drops4 ,the price for which the act was playing at that breaking-in period led me to ponder the cost of transporting the drops in their rolled-up form on the battens4 ,therefore when ,i was informed that the stage in the next town was a small one1 ,i had a bright idea4 ,i ordered the stage-carpenter to take the drops from their battens1 discard the battens1 and put pockets on the lower ends of the drops and equip the upper ends with tie ropes so the drops could be tied on the battens used in the various houses4 ,the drops would then fit small or large stages equally well and could be folded up into a small enough space to tuck in a trunk and save all the excess transportation charges4 ,of course the drops folded up all right1 but they unfolded in chips of scaled-off paint4 ,in the excitement1 or the desire to take a chance1 ,i had not given a thought to the plain fact that the drops were not aniline4 ,they were doomed to chip in time anyway1 and folding only hastened their end4 ,still1 we received just as much money for the act all the time we were playing it1 as though we had carried the beautiful drops4 ,now comes the third lesson of this incident3 ,although we were precisely three hundred and sixty-eight dollars out on account of the drops1 we really saved money in the end because we were forced to discard them4 ,the local union of the ,international ,association of ,theatrical ,stage ,employees--,stage ,hands' ,union1 for short--tried to assess me in the town where we first used the drops1 for the salary of a stage-carpenter4 ,according to their then iron-clad rule1 before which managers had to bow1 the scenery of every act carrying as many as three drops on battens had to be hung and taken down by the act's own stage-carpenter--at forty dollars a week4 ,they could not collect from such an act today because the rules have been changed1 but our act was liable1 under the old rules1 and ,i evaded it only by diplomacy4 ,but even to-day every act that carries a full set of scenery--such as a playlet requiring a special set--must carry its own stage-carpenter4 ,therefore1 to the problem of original cost and transportation expense1 now add the charge of forty dollars a week against scenery--and an average of five dollars a week extra railroad fare for the stage-carpenter--and you begin to perceive why a vaudeville producer asks1 when you request him to read an act3 ,what scenery8 ,there is no intention of decrying the use of special scenery in vaudeville4 ,some of the very best and most profitable acts1 even aside from great scenic one-act dramas like ,the ,system1 #a would be comparatively valueless without their individual sets4 ,and furthermore the use of scenery1 with the far-reaching possibilities of the special set in all its beauty and--on this side of the water--hitherto unrealized effectiveness1 has not yet even approached its noon4 ,together with the ceaseless advance of the art of mounting a full-evening play on the legitimate stage #b will go the no less artistic vaudeville act4 ,but1 for the writer anxious to make a success of vaudeville writing1 the special set should be decried4 ,indeed1 the special set ought not to enter into the writer's problem at all4 #a ,see ,appendix4 #b ,the ,theatre of ,to-,day1 ,hiram ,kelly ,moderwell's book on the modem theatre1 will repay reading by anyone particularly interested in the special set and its possibilities4 ,no scenery can make up for weakness of story4 ,rather1 like a paste diamond in an exquisitely chased1 pure gold setting1 the paste story will appear at greater disadvantage3 because of the very beauty of its surroundings4 ,the writer should make his story so fine that it will sparkle brilliantly in any setting4 ,the only thought that successful vaudeville writers give to scenery is to indicate in their manuscripts the surroundings that relate the characters closely to their environment4 ,it requires no ability to imagine startling and beautiful scenic effects that cost a lot of money to produce--that is no trick4 ,the vaudeville scenery magic lies in making use of simple scenes that can be carried at little cost--or1 better still for the new writer1 in twisting the combinations of drops and sets to be found in every vaudeville house to new uses4 ,,chapter ,,iv ,,the ,,scenery ,,commonly ,,found ,,in ,,vaudeville ,,theatres #a4 ,the ,olio ,in every vaudeville theatre there is an ,olio and1 although the scene which it is designed to represent may be different in each house1 the street ,olio is common enough to be counted as universally used4 ,usually there are two drops in ,one1 either of which may be the ,olio1 and one of them is likely to represent a street1 while the other is pretty sure to be a palace scene4 #b4 ,open ,sets ,usually in ,four--and sometimes in ,three--there are to be found in nearly every vaudeville theatre two different drops1 which with their matching wings #a form the two common open sets--or scenes composed merely of a rear drop and side wings1 and not boxed in4 #a ,a wing is a double frame of wood covered with painted canvas and set to stand as this book will when its covers are opened at right angles to each other4 ,the ,wood ,set consists of a drop painted to represent the interior of a wood or forest1 with wings painted in the same style4 ,it is used for knock-about acts1 clown acts1 bicycle acts1 animal turns and other acts that require a deep stage and can play in this sort of scene4 ,the ,palace ,set1 with its drop and wings1 is painted to represent the interior of a palace4 ,it is used for dancing acts1 acrobats and other acts that require a deep stage and can appropriately play in a palace scene4 #c4 ,the ,box ,sets ,a box set is1 as the name implies1 a set of scenery that is box-shaped4 ,it represents a room seen through the fourth wall1 which has been removed4 ,sometimes with a1 ceiling-piece1 but almost invariably with borders--which are painted canvas strips hanging in front of the border-lights to mask them and keep the audience from seeing the ropes and pulleys hanging from the gridiron--the box set more nearly mimics reality than the open set1 which calls upon the imagination of the audience to supply the realities that are entirely lacking or only hinted at4 ,the painted canvas units which are assembled to make the box set are called flats4 ,a flat is a wooden frame about six feet six inches wide and from twelve to eighteen feet long1 covered with canvas and1 of course1 painted with any scene desired4 ,it differs from a wing in being only one-half the double frame2 therefore it cannot stand alone4 ,upon the upper end of each flat along the unpainted outer edge there is fastened a rope as long as the flat4 ,two-thirds of the way up from the bottom of the corresponding edge of the matching flat there is a cleat1 or metal strip1 into which the rope1 or lash-line is snapped4 ,the two flats are then drawn tight together so that their edges match evenly and the lash-line is lashed through the framework to hold the flats firmly together4 ,while one flat may be a painted wall1 the next may contain a doorway and door1 another a part of an ornamental arch1 and still another a window1 so1 when the various flats are assembled and set1 the box set will have the appearance of a room containing doors and windows and even ornamental arches4 ,the most varied scenes can thus be realistically set up4 ,in the rear of open doors there are usually wings1 or perhaps flats1 #a painted to represent the walls of hallways and adjoining rooms and they are called interior backings4 ,behind a door supposed to open out into the street or behind windows overlooking the country1 there are hung1 or set1 short drops or wings painted to show parts of a street1 a garden1 or a country-side1 and these are called exterior backings4 #a ,when flats are used as backings they are made stable by the use of the stage-brace1 a device made of wood and capable of extension1 after the manner of the legs of a camera tripod4 ,it is fitted with double metal hooks on one end to hook into the wooden cross-bar on the back of the flat and with metal eyes on the other end through which stage-screws are inserted and screwed into the floor of the stage4 ,the ,centre-door ,fancy is the most common of the box sets4 ,called fancy1 because it has an arch with portieres and a rich-looking backing1 and because it is supposed to lead into the other palatial rooms of the house1 this set can be used for a less pretentious scene by the substitution of a matched door for the arch4 ,in this plainer form it is called simply ,the ,parlor ,set4 ,sometimes a parlor set is equipped with a ,french window1 but this should not be counted on4 ,but there are usually a grate and mantelpiece1 and three doors4 ,the doors are designed to be set1 one in the rear wall1 and one in each of the right and left walls4 ,a ceiling-piece is rarely found1 but borders are always to be had1 and a chandelier is customary4 ,the ,kitchen ,set is1 as the name implies1 less pretentious than the changeable parlor set4 ,it usually is equipped with three doors1 possesses matching borders1 may have an ordinary window1 and often has a fireplace panel4 ,slightly altered in appearance1 by changing the positions of the doors and the not very common substitution of a half-glass door in the rear wall1 the kitchen set does duty as ,the ,office ,set4 ,it is in these two box sets--changed in minor details to serve as four sets--that the vaudeville playlet is played4 ,on the following pages will be found eight diagrams showing how the stock or house box sets can be set in various forms4 ,a study of these will show how two different acts using the same house set can be given surroundings that appear absolutely different4 ,these diagrams should prove of great help to the playlet writer who wishes to know how many doors he may use1 where they are placed and how his act will fit and play in a regulation set of scenery4 ,,introduction ,,to ,,diagrams ,the following diagrams1 showing the scenic equipment of the average vaudeville theatre1 have been specially drawn for this volume and are used here by courtesy of the ,lee ,lash ,studios1 ,new ,york4 ,as they are drawn to a scale of one-eighth of an inch to the foot1 the precise size of the various scenes may be calculated4 ,the diagrams are based on the average vaudeville stage1 which allows thirty or thirty-two feet between tormentors4 ,the proscenium arch may be much greater1 but the average vaudeville stage will set the tormentors about thirty feet apart4 ,all vaudeville stage settings are made back of the tormentor line4 ,at the tormentor line there will be1 of course1 a ,grand ,drapery and ,working ,drapery which will mask the first entrance overhead4 ,there will be either a set of borders for each scene1 or else the borders will be painted to use with any scene1 to mask the stage rigging4 ,the borders are usually hung from six to seven feet apart1 so that in planning a scene this should be considered4 ,in a few of the larger houses1 a ceiling-piece is found1 but1 as has been said1 this is so rare it should not be counted on4 ,most houses have a floor cloth1 and medallion or carpet1 in addition to the properties hereafter described4 ,reference to the diagrams will show that the tormentors have a flipper1 which runs to the proscenium arch wall2 in the flipper is usually a door or a curtained opening for the entrances and exits of acts in ,one4 ,if you will combine with the diagrams shown these elements which cannot be diagrammed1 you will have a clear idea of the way in which any scene is constructed4 ,then if you will imagine the scene you have in mind as being set up on a stage like that of the ,palace ,theatre1 shown in the last chapter1 you will have a working understanding of the vaudeville stage4 ,,what ,,the ,,diagrams ,,include ,a well-ordered vaudeville stage1 as has been described1 possesses ,drops for use in ,one1 one or more ,fancy ,interiors1 a ,kitchen ,set1 and ,exterior ,sets4 ,the ,drops in ,one are omitted from these diagrams1 because they would be represented merely by a line drawn behind the tormentors4 ,the ,fancy ,interiors may include a ,light ,fancy1 a ,dark ,fancy1 an ,oak ,interior1 and a ,plain ,chamber set4 ,as the differences are largely of painting1 the usual ,centre-door ,fancy is taken as the basis for the variations--five different ways of setting it are shown4 ,two out of the many different ways of setting the ,kitchen ,set are given4 ,the ,exterior ,set allows little or no variation2 the only thing that can be done is to place balustrades1 vases1 etc41 in different positions on the stage2 therefore but one diagram is supplied4 ,,diagram ,i4--,,fancy ,,interior ,no4 #a ,showing the usual method of setting a ,fancy4 ,it may be made shallower by omitting a wing on either side4 ,,diagram ,,ii4--,,fancy ,,interior ,no4 #b ,the double arch is thrown from the centre to the side1 the landscape drop being used to back the scene--the drop may be seen through the window on stage-left4 ,the window of the ,fancy ,interior is always of the ,french type1 opening full to the floor4 ,,diagram ,,iii4--,,fancy ,,interior ,no4 #c ,this is a deeper and narrower set1 approximating more closely a room in an ordinary house4 ,the double arch at the rear may be backed with an interior backing or a conservatory backing4 ,if the interior backing is used1 the conservatory backing may be used to back the single four-foot arch at stage-left4 ,,diagram ,,iv4--,,fancy ,,interior ,no4 #d ,this shows the double arch flanked by a single arch on each side1 making three large openings looking out on the conservatory drop4 ,,diagram ,v4--,,fancy ,,interior ,no4 #e ,the fireplace is here brought into prominence by setting it in a corner with two jogs on each side4 ,the window is backed with a landscape or garden drop as desired4 ,,diagram ,,vi4--,,kitchen ,,set ,no4 #a ,this arrangement of a ,kitchen ,set makes use of three doors1 emphasizing the double doors in the centre of rear wall1 which open out on an interior backing or a wood or garden drop4 ,in this and the following setting a small window can be fitted into the upper half of either of the single doors4 ,,diagram ,,vii4--,,kitchen ,,set ,no4 #b ,two doors only are used in this setting2 the double doors1 in the same relative position as in the preceding arrangement1 open out on a wood or landscape backing4 ,the fireplace is brought out on stage-right4 ,the single door on stage-left opens on an interior backing4 ,,diagram ,,viii4--,,wood ,,or ,,garden ,,set ,many theatres have two sets of ,exterior wings--one of ,wood ,wings and one of ,garden ,wings4 ,in some houses the ,wood ,wings are used with the ,garden ,drop1 set vases and balustrades being used to produce the garden effect1 as shown here4 ,some theatres also have a ,set ,house and ,set ,cottage1 which may be placed on either side of the stage2 each has a practical door and a practical window4 ,with the ,set ,house and ,set ,tree slight variations of exterior settings may be contrived4 #d4 ,properties ,in the argot of the stage the word property or prop means any article--aside from scenery--necessary for the proper mounting or presentation of a play4 ,a property may be a set of furniture1 a rug1 a pair of portieres1 a picture for the wall1 a telephone1 a kitchen range or a stew-pan--indeed1 anything a tall that is not scenery1 although serving to complete the effect and illusion of a scene4 ,furniture is usually of only two kinds in a vaudeville playhouse4 ,there is a set of parlor furniture to go with the parlor set and a set of kitchen furniture to furnish the kitchen set4 ,but1 while these are all that are at the immediate command of the property-man1 he is usually permitted to exchange tickets for the theatre with any dealer willing to lend needed sets of furniture1 such as a desk or other office equipment specially required for the use of an act4 ,in this way the sets of furniture in the property room may be expanded with temporary additions into combinations of infinite variety4 ,but1 it is wise not to ask for anything out of the ordinary1 for many theatre owners frown upon bills for hauling1 even though the rent of the furniture may be only a pair of seats4 ,for the same reason1 it is unwise to specify in the property-list-- which is a printed list of the properties each act requires--anything in the way of rugs that is unusual4 ,though some theatres have more than two kinds of rugs1 the white bear rug and the carpet rug are the most common4 ,it is also unwise to ask for pictures to hang on the walls4 ,if a picture is required1 one is usually supplied set upon an easel4 ,of course1 every theatre is equipped with prop telephones and sets of dishes and silver for dinner scenes4 ,but there are few vaudeville houses in the country that have on hand a bed for the stage1 although the sofa is commonly found4 ,a buffet1 or sideboard1 fully equipped with pitchers and wine glasses1 is customary in every vaudeville property room4 ,and champagne is supplied in advertising bottles which pop and sparkle none the less realistically because the content is merely ginger ale4 ,while the foregoing is not an exhaustive list of what the property room of a vaudeville theatre may contain1 it gives the essential properties that are commonly found4 ,thus every ordinary requirement of the usual vaudeville act can be supplied4 ,the special properties that an act may require must be carried by the act4 ,for instance1 if a playlet is laid in an artist's studio there are all sorts of odds and ends that would lend a realistic effect to the scene4 ,a painter's easel1 bowls of paint brushes1 a palette1 half-finished pictures to hang on the walls1 oriental draperies1 a model's throne1 and half a dozen rugs to spread upon the floor1 would lend an atmosphere of charming bohemian realism4 ,special ,sound-,effects fall under the same common-sense rule4 ,for1 while all vaudeville theatres have glass crashes1 wood crashes1 slap-sticks1 thunder sheets1 cocoanut shells for horses' hoof-beats1 and revolvers to be fired off-stage1 they could not be expected to supply such little-called-for effects as realistic battle sounds1 volcanic eruptions1 and like effects4 ,if an act depends on illusions for its appeal1 it will1 of course1 be well supplied with the machinery to produce the required sounds4 ,and those that do not depend on exactness of illusion can usually secure the effects required by calling on the drummer with his very effective box-of-tricks to help out the property-man4 #e4 ,the ,lighting of the ,vaudeville ,stage ,at the electrical switchboard centre all the lights of the theatre1 as well as those of the stage itself4 ,presided over by the electrician1 the switchboard1 so far as the stage and its light effects are concerned1 commands two classes of lights4 ,the first of these is the arc light and the second the electric bulb4 ,the ,spot-lights are the lamps that depend upon the arc for their illumination4 ,if you have ever sat in the gallery of any theatre1 and particularly of a vaudeville theatre1 you certainly have noticed the very busy young man whose sole purpose in life appears to be to follow the heroine around the stage with the focused spot of light that shines like a halo about her4 ,the lamp with which he accomplishes this difficult feat is appropriately called a spot-light4 ,while there are often spot-lights on the electrician's bridge1 as his balcony is called1 the gallery out front is the surest place to find the spot-light4 ,the ,footlights are electric bulbs dyed amber1 blue1 and red-- or any other special shade desired--beside the well-known white1 set in a tin trough sunk in the stage and masked to shine only upon the stage4 ,by causing only one group of colors to light1 the electrician can secure all sorts of variations1 and with the aid of dimmers permit the lights to shine brilliantly or merely to glow with faint radiance4 ,the ,border-lights are electric bulbs of varying colors set in tin troughs a little longer than the proscenium opening and are suspended above the stage behind the scenery borders4 ,they shine only downward4 ,there are border-lights just in front of the drops in ,one1 ,two1 ,three and ,four1 and they take the names of first border-light1 second border-light1 and so on from the drops they illuminate4 ,strip-lights are electric bulbs set in short strips of tin troughs1 that are equipped with hooks by which they can be hung behind doors and out-of-the-way dark places in sets to illuminate the backings4 ,a ,bunch-light is a box of tin set on a standard1 which can be moved about the stage the length of its electric cord1 and has ten or twelve electric bulbs inside that cast a brilliant illumination wherever it is especially desired4 ,squares of gelatine in metal frames can be slipped into the grooves in front of the bunch-light to make the light any color or shade desired4 ,these boxes are especially valuable in giving the effect of blazing sunlight just outside the doors or windows of a set1 or to shine through the windows in the soft hue of moonlight4 ,grate ,logs are found in nearly every vaudeville house and are merely iron painted to represent logs of wood1 inside of which are concealed lamps that shine up through red gelatine1 simulating the glow of a wood fire shining in the fireplace under the mantelpiece usually found in the centre-door-fancy set4 ,special ,light-effects have advanced so remarkably with the science of stage illumination that practically any effect of nature may be secured4 ,if the producer wishes to show the water rippling on the river drop there is a ripple-lamp at his command1 which is a clock-actuated mechanism that slowly revolves a ripple glass in front of a spot-lamp and casts a realistic effect of water rippling in the moonlight4 ,by these mechanical means1 as well as others1 the moon or the sun can be made to shine through a drop and give the effect of rising or of setting1 volcanos can be made to pour forth blazing lava and a hundred other amazing effects can be obtained4 ,in fact1 the modern vaudeville stage is honeycombed with trapdoors and overhung with arching light-bridges1 through which and from which all manner of lights can be thrown upon the stage1 either to illuminate the faces of the actors with striking effect1 or to cast strange and beautiful effects upon the scenery4 ,indeed1 there is nothing to be seen in nature that the electrician cannot reproduce upon the stage with marvellous fidelity and pleasing effect4 ,but the purpose here1 as in explaining all the other physical departments of the vaudeville stage1 is not to tell what has been done and what can be done1 interesting and instructive as such a discussion would be1 but to describe what is usually to be found in a vaudeville theatre4 ,the effects that are at ready command are the only effects that should interest anyone about to write for vaudeville4 ,as was emphasized in the discussion of scenery1 the writer should not depend for success on the unusual4 ,his aim should be to make use of the common stage-effects that are found on every vaudeville stage--if1 indeed1 he depends on any effects at all4 ,here1 then1 we have made the acquaintance of the physical proportions and aspects of the vaudeville stage and have inquired into all the departments that contribute to the successful presentation of a vaudeville entertainment4 ,we have examined the vaudeville writer's tool-box and have learned to know the uses for which each tool of space1 scenery1 property1 and light is specially designed4 ,and by learning what these tools can do1 we have also learned what they cannot do4 ,now let us turn to the plans and specifications--called manuscripts-- that go to make up the entertaining ten or forty minutes during which a vaudeville act calls upon these physical aids to make it live upon the mimic stage1 as though it were a breathing reality of the great stage of life4 ,,chapter ,v ,,the ,,nature ,,of ,,the ,,monologue ,the word monologue comes from the combination of two ,greek words1 monos1 alone1 and legein1 to speak4 ,therefore the word monologue means to speak alone--and that is often how a monologist feels4 ,if in facing a thousand solemn faces he is not a success1 no one in all the world is more alone than he4 ,it appears easy for a performer to stroll into a theatre1 without bothersome scenery1 props1 or tagging people1 and walk right out on the stage alone and set the house a-roar4 ,but1 like most things that appear easy1 it is not4 ,it is the hardest stunt in the show business1 demanding two very rare things3 uncommon ability in the man1 and extraordinary merit in the monologue itself4 ,to arrive at a clear understanding of what a monologue is1 the long way around through the various types of talking singles may be the shortest cut home to the definition4 #a4 ,not a ,soliloquy4 ,the soliloquy of the by-gone days of dramatic art was sometimes called a monologue1 because the person who spoke it was left alone upon the stage to commune with himself in spoken words that described to the audience what manner of man he was and what were the problems that beset him4 ,hamlet's ,to be or not to be1 perhaps the most famous of soliloquies1 is1 therefore1 a true monologue in the ancient sense1 for ,hamlet spoke alone when none was near him4 ,in the modern sense this1 and every other soliloquy1 is but a speech in a play4 ,there is a fundamental reason why this is so3 ,a monologue is spoken to the audience1 while in a soliloquy 7from the ,latin solus1 alone1 loqui1 to talk7 the actor communes with himself for the benefit of the audience4 #b4 ,not ,merely an ,entertainment by ,one ,person ,there are all sorts of entertaining talking acts in vaudeville presented by a single person4 ,among them are the magician who performs his tricks to the accompaniment of a running fire of talk which1 with the tricks themselves1 raises laughter2 and the person who gives imitations and wins applause and laughter by fidelity of speech1 mannerisms and appearance to the famous persons imitated4 ,yet neither of these can be classed as a monologist1 because neither depends upon speech alone to win success4 #c4 ,not a ,disconnected ,string of ,stories ,nor1 in the strictest vaudeville sense1 is a monologue merely a string of stories that possesses no unity as a whole and owns as its sole reason of being that of amusement and entertainment4 ,for instance1 apropos of nothing whatever an entertainer may say3 ,i visited ,chinatown the other evening and took dinner in one of the charming ,oriental restaurants there4 ,the first dish ,i ordered was called ,chop ,suey4 ,it was fine4 ,they make it of several kinds of vegetables and meats1 and one dark meat in particular hit my taste4 ,i wanted to find out what it was1 so ,i called the waiter4 ,he was a solemn-looking ,chinaman1 whose ,english ,i could not understand1 so ,i pointed to a morsel of the delicious dark meat and1 rubbing the place where all the rest of it had gone1 ,i asked3 ,quack-quack8 ,the ,chink grinned and said3 ,no4 ,no4 ,bow-wow4 ,before the laughter has subsided the entertainer continues3 ,that reminds me of the deaf old gentleman at a dinner party who was seated right next to the prettiest of the very young ladies present4 ,he did his best to make the conversation agreeable1 and she worked hard to make him understand what she said4 ,but finally she gave it up in despair and relapsed into a pained silence until the fruit was passed4 ,then she leaned over and said3 ,do you like bananas8 ,a smile of comprehension crept over the deaf old man's face and he exclaimed3 ,no1 ,i like the old-fashioned night-gowns best4 ,and so1 from story to story the entertainer goes1 telling his funny anecdotes for the simple reason that they are funny and create laughter4 ,but funny as they are1 they are disconnected and1 therefore1 do not meet the requirement of unity of character1 which is one of the elements of the pure monologue4 #d4 ,not a ,connected ,series of ,stories ,interspersed ,with ,songs and the ,like ,if the entertainer had told the stories of the ,chinaman and the deaf old gentleman as though they had happened to a single character about whom all the stories he tells revolve1 his act and his material would more nearly approach the pure monologue form4 ,for instance3 ,casey's a great fellow for butting into queer places to get a bite to eat4 ,the other evening we went down to ,chinatown and in one of those ,oriantal joints that hand out ,chop ,suey in real china bowls with the ,jersey ,city dragoons on 'em1 we struck a dish that hit ,casey just right4 ,mither av ,moses1 says ,casey1 this is shure the atein fer ye2 but what's thot dilicate little tid-bit o' brown mate8 ,i don't know1 says ,i4 ,oi'll find out1 says ,casey4 ,just listen t'me spake that heathen's language4 ,here1 boy1 he hollers1 me likee1 what you call um8 ,the ,chink stares blankly at ,casey4 ,casey looks puzzled1 then he winks at me4 ,rubbing his hand over the place where the rest of the meat had gone1 he says3 ,quack-quack8 ,a gleam shot into the ,chink's almond eyes and he says3 ,no4 ,no4 ,bow-wow4 ,it took seven of us to hold ,casey1 he felt that bad4 ,but that wasn't a patchin' to the time we had dinner with a rich friend o' ours and ,casey was seated right next to the nicest little old lady y'ever saw4 4 4 4 ,and so on until the banana story is told1 with ,casey the hero and victim of each anecdote4 ,but an entertainer feels no necessity of making his entire offering of related anecdotes only4 ,some monologists open with a song because they want to get the audience into their atmosphere1 and with them1 before beginning their monologue4 ,the song merely by its melody and rhythm helps to dim the vividness of impression left by the preceding act and gives the audience time to quiet down1 serving to bridge the psychic chasm in the human mind that lies between the relinquishing of one impression and the reception of the next4 ,or the monologist may have a good finishing song and knows that he can depend on it for an encore that will bring him back to tell more stories and sing another song4 ,so he gives the orchestra leader the cue1 the music starts and off he goes into his song4 ,or he may have some clever little tricks that will win applause1 or witty sayings that will raise a laugh1 and give him a chance to interject into his offering assorted elements of appeal that will gain applause from different classes of people in his audience4 ,therefore1 as his purpose is to entertain1 he sings his song1 performs his tricks1 tells his witty sayings1 or perhaps does an imitation or two1 as suits his talent best4 ,and a few end their acts with serious recitations of the heart-throb sort that bring lumps into kindly throats and leave an audience in the satisfied mood that always comes when a touch of pathos rounds off a hearty laugh4 ,but by adding to his monologue unrelated offerings the monologist becomes an entertainer1 an impersonator1 or whatever title best describes his act4 ,if he stuck to his stories only and told them all on a single character1 his offering would be a monologue in the sense that it observes the unity of character1 but still it would not be a pure monologue in the vaudeville sense as we now may define it--though a pure monologue might form the major part of his turn4 ,,ii4 ,,what ,a ,,monologue ,,is ,having seen in what respects other single talking acts--the soliloquy1 the talking single that has no unity of material1 the disconnected string of stories1 and the connected series of stories interspersed with songs--differ from the pure monologue1 it will now be a much simpler task to make plain the elements that compose the real vaudeville monologue4 ,the real monologue possesses the following eight characteristics3 #a4 ,it is performed by one person4 #b4 ,it is humorous4 #c4 ,it possesses unity of character4 #d4 ,it is not combined with songs1 tricks or any other entertainment form4 #e4 ,it takes from ten to fifteen minutes to deliver4 #f4 ,it is marked by compression4 #g4 ,it is distinguished by vividness4 #h4 ,it follows a definite form of construction4 ,each of these eight characteristics has either been mentioned already or will be taken up in detail later1 so now we can combine them into a single paragraphic definition3 ,the pure vaudeville monologue is a humorous talk spoken by one person1 possesses unity of character1 is not combined with any other entertainment form1 is marked by compression1 follows a definite form of construction and usually requires from ten to fifteen minutes for delivery4 ,it must be emphasized that because some single talking acts do not meet every one of the requirements is no reason for condemning them #a4 ,they may be as fine for entertainment purposes as the pure monologue1 but we must have some standard by which to work and the only true standard of anything is its purest form4 ,therefore1 let us now take up the several parts that make up the pure monologue as a whole1 and later we shall consider the other monologue variations that are permissible and often desirable4 #a ,frank ,fogarty1 ,the ,dublin ,minstrel1 one of the most successful monologists in vaudeville1 often opens with a song and usually ends his offering with a serious heart-throb recitation4 ,by making use of the song and serious recitation ,mr4 ,fogarty places his act in the entertainer class1 but his talking material is1 perhaps1 the best example of the gag-anecdotal-monologue to be found in vaudeville4 ,mr4 ,fogarty won ,the ,new ,york ,morning ,telegraph contest to determine the most popular performer in vaudeville in #aiab1 and was elected ,president of ,the ,white ,rats--the vaudeville actors' protective ,union--in #aiad4 end footnote ,if you have not yet turned to the appendix and read ,aaron ,hoffman's ,the ,german ,senator do so now4 7,see ,appendix47 ,it will be referred to frequently to illustrate structural points4 ,,iii4 ,,the ,,monologue',s ,,notable ,,characteristics #a4 ,humor ,all monologues1 whether of the pure type or not1 possess one element in common--humor4 ,i have yet to hear of a monologist who did not at least try to be funny4 ,but there are different types of monologic humor4 ,each eye1 the ,italians say1 forms its own beauty1 so every nation1 every section1 and each individual forms its own humor to suit its own peculiar risibilities4 ,still1 there are certain well-defined kinds of stories and classes of points in which we ,americans find a certain delight4 ,what these are the reader knows as well as the writer and can decide for himself much better than ,i can define them for him4 ,therefore1 ,i shall content myself with a mere mention of the basic technical elements that may be of suggestive help4 7a7 ,the ,element of ,incongruity4 ,the essence of all humor1 it has been said1 is incongruity1 and in the monologue there is no one thing that brings better laugh-results than the incongruous4 ,note in the ,appendix the closing point of ,the ,german ,senator4 ,could there be any more incongruous thing than wives forming a ,union8 7b7 ,surprise4 ,by surprise is meant leading the audience to believe the usual thing is going to happen1 and springing the unusual--which in itself is often an incongruity1 but not necessarily so4 7c7 ,situation4 ,both incongruity and surprise are part and parcel of the laughter of a situation4 ,for instance2 a meeting of two people1 one of whom is anxious to avoid the other--a husband1 for instance1 creeping upstairs at three ,a4 ,m4 meeting his wife--or both anxious to avoid each other--wife was out1 too1 and husband overtakes wife creeping slowly up1 doing her best not to awaken him1 each supposing the other in bed and asleep4 ,the laughter comes because of what is said at that particular moment in that particular situation--and is due1 ,freud says1 to the release from seemingly unpleasant and inevitable consequences4 7d7 ,pure ,wit4 ,wit exists for its own sake1 it is detachable from its context1 as for example3 ,and what a fine place they picked out for ,liberty to stand4 ,with ,coney ,island on one side and ,blackwell's ,island on the other4 #a #a ,the ,german ,senator4 ,see ,appendix4 7e7 ,character4 ,the laughable sayings that are the intense expression at the instant of the individuality of the person voicing them1 is what is meant by the humor of character4 ,for instance3 the ,german ,senator gets all balled up in his terribly long effort to make a regular speech1 and he ends3 ,we got to feel a feeling of patriotic symptoms--we got to feel patriotic symp--symps--you got to feel the patri--you can't help it1 you got to feel it4 ,these five suggestions--all1 in the last analysis1 depending on the first1 incongruity--may be of assistance to the novice in analyzing the elements of humor and framing his own efforts with intelligence and precision4 ,in considering the other elemental characteristics of the monologue1 we must bear in mind that the emphasizing of humor is the monologue's chief reason for being4 #b4 ,unity of ,character ,unity of character does not mean unity of subject--note the variety of subjects treated in ,the ,german ,senator--but1 rather1 the singleness of impression that a monologue gives of the character who delivers it1 or is the hero of it4 ,the ,german ,senator1 himself1 is a politician spouting1 in a perfectly illogical1 broken-,english stump speech1 about the condition of the country and the reason why things are so bad4 ,never once do the various subjects stray far beyond their connection with the country's deplorable condition and always they come back to it4 ,furthermore1 not one of the observations is about anything that a politician of his mental calibre would not make4 ,also the construction of every sentence is in character4 ,this example is1 of course1 ideal1 and the precision of its unity of character one of the great elements of a great monologue4 ,next to humor1 unity of character is the most important requirement of the monologue4 ,never choose a subject1 or write a joke1 that does not fit the character delivering the monologue4 ,in other words1 if you are writing a pure monologue1 do not1 just because it is humorous1 drag in a gag #a or a point #b that is not in character or that does not fit the subject4 ,make every turn of phrase and every word fit not only the character but also the subject4 #a ,a gag is the vaudeville term for any joke or pun4 #b ,a point is the laugh-line of a gag1 or the funny observation of a monologue4 #c4 ,compression ,we have long heard that brevity is the soul of wit1 and certainly we realize the truth in a hazy sort of way1 but the monologue writer should make brevity his law and seven of his ten commandments of writing4 ,frank ,fogarty1 who writes his own gags and delivers them in his own rapid1 inimitable way1 said to me3 ,the single thing ,i work to attain in any gag is brevity4 ,i never use an ornamental word1 ,i use the shortest word ,i can and ,i tell a gag in the fewest words possible4 ,if you can cut out one word from any of my gags and not destroy it1 ,i'll give you five dollars1 and it'll be worth fifty to me to lose it4 ,you can kill the whole point of a gag by merely an unnecessary word4 ,for instance1 let us suppose the point of a gag is 'and he put the glass there'2 well1 you won't get a laugh if you say1 'and then he picked the glass up and put it there4' ,only a few words more--but words are costly4 ,take another example4 ,here's one of my best gags1 a sure-fire laugh if told this way3 ,o',brien was engaged by a farmer to milk cows and do chores4 ,there were a hundred and fifty cows1 and three men did the milking4 ,it was hard work1 but the farmer was a kind-hearted1 progressive man1 so when he went to town and saw some milking-stools he bought three and gave 'em to the men to sit down on while at work4 ,the other two men came back delighted1 but not ,o',brien4 ,at last he appeared1 all cut-up1 and holding one leg of the stool4 ',what's the matter8' said the farmer4 ',nothing1 only ,i couldn't make the cow sit down on it4' ,when ,i tell it this way it invariably gets a big laugh4 ,now here's the way ,i once heard a 'chooser' #a do it4 #a ,chooser--one who chooses some part of another performer's act and steals it for his own use4 ',o',brien came to this country and looked around for work4 ,he couldn't get a job until at last a friend told him that a farmer up in the country wanted a man to milk cows4 ,so ,o',brien got on a trolley car and went out to the end of the line1 took a side-door pullman from there1 was ditched and had to walk the rest of the way to the farm4 ,but at last he got to the farmer's place and asked him for the job4 ',sure ,i can use you1 said the farmer1 here's a milk pail and a milking-stool4 ,take 'em and go out and milk the cows in the barn4 ',now ,o',brien didn't know how to milk a cow1 he'd never milked a cow in his whole life1 but he needed a job so he didn't tell the farmer he hadn't ever milked a cow4 ,he took the pail and the milking-stool and went out to the barn4 ,after half an hour he came back to the farm house all cut-up1 and he had one leg of the milking-stool in his hand4 ',what's the matter8 asked the farmer1 ,how'd you get all cut up--been in a fight or something8 ',no1 said ,o',brien1 ,i couldn't get the cow to sit on it4' ,see the difference8 ,there's only one right way to tell any gag and that's to make it brief1 little--like the works of a watch that'll fit in a thin watch case and be better and finer than a big turnip of a pocket clock4 ,so1 then1 each point and gag in a monologue is told in the fewest1 shortest words possible and the monologue1 as a whole1 is marked by compression4 ,remember1 brevity is the soul of wit--never forget it4 #d4 ,vividness ,if a successful monologue writer has in mind two gags that are equally funny he will invariably choose the one that can be told most vividly--that is1 the one that can be told as if the characters themselves were on the stage4 ,for instance1 the words1 ,here stood ,john and there stood ,mary1 with lively1 appropriate gestures by the monologist1 make the characters and the scene seem living on the stage before the very eyes of the audience4 ,that is why the monologist illustrates his points and gags with gestures that picturize4 ,every gag and every point of great monologues are told in words that paint pictures4 ,if the gag is supposititious1 and the direct right-here-they-stood method cannot be used1 the point is worded so strikingly1 and is so comically striking in itself1 that the audience sees--visualizes--it4 #a #a ,walter ,kelly1 ,the ,virginia ,judge1 offers a fine example of the monologist who makes his words picturize4 ,he puts his stories over almost without a gesture4 ,unlike the playlet1 the monologue does not have flesh-and-blood people on the stage to act the comic situation4 ,the way a point or gag is constructed1 the words used1 the monologist's gestures1 and his inflections1 must make the comic situation live in vivid pictures4 ,therefore1 in selecting material the monologue writer should choose those gags and points that can be told in pictures1 and every word he uses should be a picture-word4 #e4 ,smoothness and ,blending ,a monologue--like the thin-model watch mentioned--is made up of many parts4 ,each part fits into1 the other--one gag or point blends perfectly into the following one--so that the entire monologue seems not a combination of many different parts1 but a smoothly working1 unified whole4 ,count the number of different points there are in ,the ,german ,senator and note how each seemingly depends on the one before it and runs into the one following2 you will then see what is meant by blending4 ,then read the monologue again1 this time without the ,panama ,canal point--plainly marked for this exposition--and you will see how one part can be taken away and still leave a smoothly reading and working whole4 ,it is to careful blending that the monologue owes its smoothness4 ,the ideal for which the writer should strive is so to blend his gags and points that1 by the use of not more than one short sentence1 he relates one gag or point to the next with a naturalness and inevitableness that make the whole perfectly smooth4 ,we are now1 ,i think1 in a position to sum up the theory of the monologue4 ,the pure vaudeville monologue1 which was defined as a humorous talk spoken by one person1 possesses unity of character1 is not combined with any other entertainment form1 is marked by compression1 follows a definite form of construction1 and usually requires from ten to fifteen minutes for delivery4 ,humor is its most notable characteristic2 unity of the character delivering it1 or of its hero1 is its second most important requirement4 ,each point1 or gag1 is so compressed that to take away or add even one word would spoil its effect2 each is expressed so vividly that the action seems to take place before the eyes of the audience4 ,finally1 every point leads out of the preceding point so naturally1 and blends into the following point so inevitably1 that the entire monologue is a smooth and perfect whole4 ,,chapter ,,vi ,,writing ,,the ,,monologue ,i4 ,,choosing ,a ,,theme ,before an experienced writer takes up his pencil he has formed definitely in his mind just what he is going to write about--that is the simple yet startling difference between the experienced writer and the novice4 ,not only does the former know what his subject is1 but he usually knows how he is going to treat it1 and even some striking phrases and turns of sentences are ready in his mind1 together with the hundreds of minute points which1 taken together1 make up the singleness of impression of the whole4 ,but just as it is impossible for the human mind--untrained1 let us say1 in the art of making bricks--to picture at a glance the various processes through which the clay passes before it takes brick form1 so it is identically as impossible for the mind of the novice to comprehend in a flash the various purposes and half-purposes that precede the actual work of writing anything4 ,true as this is of writing in general1 it seems to me particularly true of writing the monologue1 for the monologue is one of those precise forms of the art of writing that may best be compared to the miniature1 where every stroke must be true and unhesitating and where all combine unerringly to form the composite whole4 ,in preparing monologue material the writer usually is working in the sounds of spoken--and mis-spoken--words1 and the humor that lies in the twisting of ideas into surprising conclusions4 ,he seldom deliberately searches for a theme--more often some laugh-provoking incident or sentence gives him an idea and he builds it into a monologue with its subject for the theme4 #a4 ,themes to ,avoid ,anything at all in the whole range of subjects with which life abounds will lend itself for a monologue theme--provided the writer can without straining twist it to the angle of humor2 but propriety demands that nothing blatantly suggestive shall be treated1 and common sense dictates that no theme of merely local interest shall be used1 when the purpose of the monologue is to entertain the whole country4 ,of course if a monologue is designed to entertain merely a certain class or the residents of a certain city or section only1 the very theme--for instance1 some purely local happening or trade interest--that you would avoid using in a monologue planned for national use1 would be the happiest theme that could be chosen4 ,but1 as the ambitious monologue writer does not wish to confine himself to a local or a sectional subject and market1 let us consider here only themes that have universal appeal4 ,,ii4 ,a ,,few ,,themes ,,of ,,universal ,,interest ,politics ,woman ,suffrage ,love ,drink ,marriage ,baseball ,woman's ,dress ,money ,while there are many more themes that can be twisted to universal interest--and anyone could multiply the number given--these few are used in whole or in part in nearly every successful monologue now being presented4 ,and1 they offer to the new writer the surest ground to build a new monologue4 ,that they have all been done before is no reason why they should not be done again3 the new author has only to do them better--and a little different4 ,it is all a matter of fresh vision4 ,what is there in any art that is really new--but treatment8 ,do not make the fatal mistake of supposing that these few themes are the only themes possessing universal interest4 ,anything in the whole wide world may be the subject for a monologue1 when transmuted by the magic of common sense and uncommon ability into universal fun4 ,,iii4 ,,how ,,to ,,begin ,,to ,,write ,as a monologue is a collection of carefully selected and smoothly blended points or gags1 with a suitable introduction to the routine #a--;each point and gag being a complete1 separate entity1 and the introduction being as truly distinct--the monologue writer1 unlike the playlet writer1 may begin to write anywhere4 ,he may even write the last point or gag used in the routine before he writes the first4 ,or he may write the twelfth point before he writes either the first one or the last one4 ,but usually1 he writes his introduction first4 #a ,routine--the entire monologue2 but more often used to suggest its arrangement and construction4 ,a monologue with its gags and points arranged in a certain order is one routine2 a different routine is used when the gags or points are arranged in a different order4 ,thus routine means arrangement4 ,the word is also used to describe the arrangement of other stage offerings--for instance1 a dance3 the same steps arranged in a different order make a new dance routine4 #a4 ,the ,introduction ,a monologue introduction may be just one line with a point or a gag that will raise a snicker1 or it may be a long introduction that stamps the character as a character1 and causes amusement because it introduces the entire monologue theme in a bright way4 ,an example of the short introduction is3 ,d'you know me friend ,casey8 ,he's the guy that put the sham in shamrock1 then on into the first gag that stamps ,casey as a sure-'nuff character1 with a giggle-point to the gag4 ,the very best example of the long introduction being done on the stage today is the first four paragraphs of ,the ,german ,senator4 ,the first line1 ,my dear friends and falling ,citizens1 stamps the monologue unquestionably as a speech4 ,the second line1 ,my heart fills up with vaccination to be disabled1 declares the mixed-up character of the oration and of the ,german ,senator himself1 and causes amusement4 ,and the end of the fourth paragraph--which you will note is one long involved sentence filled with giggles--raises the first laugh4 ,nat ,wills says the introduction to the gag-monologue may often profitably open with a local--one about the town or some local happening--as a local is pretty sure to raise a giggle1 and will cause the audience to think the monologist bright and at least start their relations off pleasantly4 ,he says3 ,work for giggles in your introduction1 but don't let the audience get set--with a big laugh--until the fifth or sixth joke4 ,the introduction1 therefore1 is designed to establish the monologist with the audience as bright1 to stamp the character of the character delivering it--or about whom the gags are told--and to delay a big laugh until the monologist has got his audience4 #b4 ,the ,development ,the point1 you will recall1 we defined as the funny observation of a pure monologue--in lay-conversation it means the laugh line of a joke2 and gag we defined as a joke or a pun4 ,for the sake of clearness let us confine point to a funny observation in a monologue1 and gag to a joke in a connected series of stories4 ,it is impossible for anyone to teach you how to write a really funny point or a gag4 ,but1 if you have a well-developed sense of humor1 you can1 with the help of the suggestions for form given here and the examples of humor printed in the appendix1 and those you will find in the funny papers and hear along the street or on the stage1 teach yourself to write saleable material4 ,all that this chapter can hope to do for you is to show you how the best monologue writes and the most successful monologists work to achieve their notable results1 and thus put you in the right path to accomplish1 with the least waste of time and energy1 what they have done4 ,therefore1 let us suppose that you know what is humorous1 have a well-developed sense of humor1 and can produce really funny points and gags4 ,now1 having your points and gags clearly framed in mind and ready to set down on paper1 you naturally ask1 ,how shall ,i arrange them8 ,in what order shall ,i place them to secure the best effect for the whole monologue8 ,barrett ,wendell1 professor of ,english at ,harvard ,university1 #a has suggested an effective mechanical aid for determining the clearest and best arrangement of sentences and paragraphs in ,english prose1 and his plan seems especially adapted to help the monologue writer determine a perfect routine4 ,briefly his method may be paraphrased thus3 #a ,english ,composition1 page #afe4 ,have as many cards or slips of paper as you have points or gags4 ,write only one point or gag on one card or slip of paper4 ,on the first card write ,introduction1 and always keep that card first in your hand4 ,then take up a card and read the point or gag on it as following the introduction1 the second card as the second point or gag1 and so on until you have arranged your monologue in an effective routine4 ,then try another arrangement4 ,let us say the tenth joke in the first routine reads better as the first joke4 ,all right1 place it in your new arrangement right after the introduction4 ,perhaps the fourteenth point or gag fits in well after the tenth gag--fine1 make that fourteenth gag the second gag2 and so on through your cards until you have arranged a new routine4 ,your first arrangement can invariably be improved--maybe even your seventh arrangement can be made better2 very good1 by shuffiing the cards you may make as many arrangements as you wish and eventually arrive at the ideal routine4 ,and by keeping a memorandum of preceding arrangements you can always turn back to the older routine--if that appears the best after all other arrangements have been tried4 ,but what is really the ideal arrangement of a monologue8 ,how may you know which routine is really the best8 ,frankly1 you cannot know until it has been tried out on an audience many1 many times--and has been proved a success by actual test4 ,arranging a routine of untried points and gags on paper is like trying to solve a cut-out puzzle with the key-piece missing4 ,only by actually trying out a monologue before an audience and fitting the points and gags to suit the monologist's peculiar style 7indeed1 this is the real work of writing a monologue and will be described later on7 can you determine what really is the best routine4 ,and even then another arrangement may go better in another town4 ,still there are a few suggestions--a very few--that can be given here to aid the beginner4 ,like ocean waves1 monologic laughs should come in threes and nines--proved1 like most rules1 by exceptions4 ,note the application of this rule in ,the ,german ,senator4 ,study the arrangement of the points in this great monologue and you will see that each really big point is dependent on several minor points that precede it to get its own big laugh4 ,for instance1 take the following point3 ,and if meat goes any higher1 it will be worth more than money4 ,then there won't be any money4 ,instead of carrying money in your pocket1 you'll carry meat around4 ,a sirloin steak will be worth a thousand dollar bill4 ,when you go down to the bank to make a deposit1 instead of giving the cashier a thousand dollar bill1 you'll slip him a sirloin steak4 ,if you ask him for change1 he'll give you a hunk of bologny4 ,the first line blends this point with the preceding one about the high cost of eggs4 ,the second line awakens interest and prepares for the next1 ,instead of carrying money in your pocket1 you'll carry meat around1 which is good for a grin4 ,the next line states the premise necessary for the first point-ending --you'll slip him a sirloin steak1 which is always good for a laugh4 ,then the last line1 ,if you ask him for change1 he'll give you a hunk of bologny1 tops the preceding laugh4 ,from this example you see what is meant by monologic laughs coming in threes and nines4 ,the introduction of each new story--the line after the blend-line--should awaken a grin1 its development cause a chuckle1 and the point-line itself raise a laugh4 ,each new point should top the preceding point until with the end of that particular angle or situation1 should come a roar of honest laughter4 ,then back to the grin1 the chuckle1 and on to the laugh again1 building up to the next big roar4 ,with the end of the monologue should come complete satisfaction in one great burst of laughter4 ,this1 of course1 is the ideal4 #c4 ,how and ,where to ,end ,a monologue should run anywhere from ten to fifteen minutes4 ,the monologist can vary his playing time at will by leaving out points and gags here and there1 as necessity demands1 so the writer should supply at least a full fifteen minutes of material in his manuscript4 ,how shall ,i time my manuscript8 is the puzzling problem the new writer asks himself4 ,the answer is that it is very difficult to time a monologue exactly1 because different performers work at different speeds and laughs delay the delivery and1 therefore1 make the monologue run longer4 ,but here is a very rough counting scale that may be given1 with the warning that it is far from exact3 ,for every one hundred and fifteen to one hundred and forty words count one minute for delivery4 ,this is so inexact1 depending as it does on the number of laughs and the monologist's speed of delivery1 that it is like a rubber ruler4 ,at one performance it may be too long1 at another too short4 ,having given a full fifteen minutes of material1 filled1 let us hope1 with good points made up of grins1 chuckles and laughs1 now choose your very biggest laugh-point for the last4 ,when you wrote the monologue and arranged it into the first routine1 that biggest laugh may have been the tenth1 or the ninth1 or the fifteenth1 but you have spotted it unerringly as the very biggest laugh you possess1 so you blend it in as the final laugh of the completed monologue4 ,it may now be worth while thus to sum up the ideal structure3 ,a routine is so arranged that the introduction stamps the monologist as bright1 and the character he is impersonating or telling about as a real character4 ,the first four points or gags are snickers and the fifth or sixth is a laugh4 #a ,each point or gag blends perfectly into the ones preceding and following it4 ,the introduction of each new story awakens a grin1 its development causes a chuckle1 and the point-line itself raises a laugh4 ,the final point or gag rounds the monologue off in the biggest burst of honest laughter4 #a ,it is true that some monologists strive for a laugh on the very first point1 but to win a big laugh at once is very rare4 ,,iv4 ,,building ,a ,,monologue ,,before ,,an ,,audience ,when a writer delivers the manuscript of a monologue to a monologist his work is not ended4 ,it has just begun1 because he must share with the monologist the pains of delivering the monologue before an audience4 ,dion ,boucicault once said1 ,a play is not written1 but rewritten4 ,true as this is of a play1 it is1 if possible1 even more true of a monologue4 ,of course1 not all beginners can afford to give this personal attention to staging a monologue1 but it is advisable whenever possible4 ,for1 points that the author and the monologist himself were sure would go big1 die1 while points and gags that neither thought much of1 go big4 ,it is for precisely this purpose of weeding out the good points and gags from the bad that even famous monologists hide away1 under other names1 in very small houses for try-outs4 ,and while the monologist is working on the stage to make the points and gags get over1 the author is working in the audience to note the effect of points and finding ways to change a phrase here and a word there to build dead points into life and laughter4 ,then it is that they both realize that ,frank ,fogarty's wise words are true3 ,there is only one way to tell a gag4 ,if you can cut one word out from any of my gags ,i'll give you five dollars1 for it's worth fifty to me4 ,words are costly4 ,some entire points and gags will be found to be dead beyond resurrection1 and even whole series of gags and points must be cast away and new and better ones substituted to raise the golden laughs4 ,so the monologue is changed and built performance after performance1 with both the monologist and the author working as though their very lives depended on making it perfect4 ,then1 when it is set to the satisfaction of both1 the monologist goes out on the road to try it out on different audiences and to write the author continually for new points and gags4 ,it may be said with perfect truth that a monologue is never finished4 ,nat ,wills1 the ,tramp ,monologist1 pays ,james ,madison a weekly salary to supply him with new jokes every seventh day4 ,so1 nearly every monologist retains the author to keep him up to the minute with material1 right in the forefront of the laughter-of-the-hour4 ,v4 ,,other ,,single ,,talking ,,act ,,forms ,the discussion of the monologue form has been exhaustive1 for the pure monologue holds within itself all the elements of the other allied forms4 ,the only difference between a pure monologue and any other kind is in the addition of entertainment features that are not connected gags and points4 ,therefore1 to cover the field completely it is necessary only to name a few of the many different kinds of single talking acts and to describe them briefly4 ,the most common talking singles--all of whom buy material from vaudeville writers--are3 7a7 ,the ,talking ,magician--who may have only a few little tricks to present1 but who plays them up big because he sprinkles his work with laughter-provoking points4 7b7 ,the ,nut ,comedian--who does all manner of silly tricks to make his audience laugh1 but who has a carefully prepared routine of nut material4 7c7 ,the ,parody ,monologist--who opens and closes with funny parodies on the latest song hits and does a monologue routine between songs4 7d7 ,the ,original ,talk ,impersonator--who does impersonations of celebrities1 but adds to his offering a few clever points and gags4 ,,vi4 ,a ,,final ,,word ,before you seek a market #a for your monologue1 be sure that it fulfills all the requirements of a monologue and that it is the very best work you can do4 ,above all1 make sure that every gag or point you use is original with you1 and that the angle of the subject you have selected for your theme is honestly your own4 ,for if you have copied even one gag or point that has been used before1 you have laid your work open to suspicion and yourself to the epithet of chooser4 #a ,see ,chapter ,,xxiv1 ,manuscripts and ,markets4 ,the infringer--who steals gags and points bodily--can be pursued and punished under the copyright law1 but the chooser is a kind of sneak thief who works gags and points around to escape taking criminal chances1 making his material just enough different to evade the law4 ,a chooser damages the originator of the material without himself getting very far4 ,no one likes a chooser2 no one knowingly will have dealings with a chooser4 ,call a vaudeville man a liar and he may laugh at you--call him a chooser and you'll have to fight him4 ,there are1 of course1 deliberate choosers in the vaudeville business1 just as there are crooks in every line of life1 but they never make more than a momentary success4 ,here is why they invariably fail3 ,when you sit in the audience1 and hear an old gag or point1 you whisper1 ,phew1 that's old1 or you give your companion a knowing look1 don't you8 ,well1 half the audience is doing the very same thing1 and they1 like you1 receive the impression that all the gags are old1 and merely suppose that they haven't heard the other ones before4 ,the performer1 whose bread and butter depends on the audience thinking him bright1 cannot afford to have anything ancient in his routine4 ,two familiar gags or points will kill at least twenty-five percent of his applause4 ,he may not get even one bow1 and when audiences do not like a monologist well enough to call him out for a bow1 he might as well say good-by to his chances of getting even another week's booking4 ,therefore the performer watches the material that is offered him with the strained attention of an ,asiatic potentate who suspects there is poison in his breakfast food4 ,he not only guards against old gags or points1 but he takes great care that the specific form of the subject of any routine that he accepts is absolutely new4 ,some of the deliberate choosers watch the field very closely and as soon as anyone strikes a new vein or angle they proceed to work it over4 ,but taking the same subject and working around it--even though each gag or point is honestly new--does not and cannot pay4 ,even though the chooser secures some actor willing to use such material1 he fails ultimately for two reasons3 ,in the first place1 the copier is never as good as the originator2 and1 in the second place1 the circuit managers do not look with favor upon copy-acts4 ,as the success of the performer depends on his cleverness and the novelty of his material1 in identically the same way the success of a vaudeville theatre lies in the cleverness and novelty of the acts it plays4 ,individual house managers1 and therefore circuit managers1 cannot afford to countenance copy-acts4 ,for this reason a monologist or an act is often given exclusive rights to use a precise kind of subject-material over a given circuit4 ,a copy-act cannot keep going to very long with only a few segregated house willing to play his act4 ,therefore before you offer your monologue to a possible buyer1 be sure--absolutely sure--that your theme and every one of your points and gags are original4 ,,chapter ,,vii ,,the ,,vaudeville ,,two-,,act ,the word two-act is used to describe any act played by two people4 ,it has nothing to do with the number of scenes or acts of a drama4 ,when two people present a turn1 it is called a two-act4 ,it is a booking-office term--a word made necessary by the exigencies of vaudeville commerce4 ,if the manager of a theatre requires an acrobatic act to fill his bill and balance his show he often inquires for an acrobatic two-act4 ,it may matter little to him whether the act plays in ,one or ,full ,stage--he wants an acrobatic act1 and one presented by two people4 ,if he requires any other kind of two-people-act1 he specifies the kind of two-act of which he is in need4 ,on the other hand1 if a performer asks an author to write a vaudeville two-act1 an act of a certain definite character is usually meant and understood4 ,for1 among writers1 the vaudeville two-act--or act in ,one as it is often called--has come to mean a talking act presented by two persons2 furthermore1 a talking act that has certain well-defined characteristics4 #a4 ,what a ,vaudeville ,two-,act ,is ,the most carefully constructed definition cannot describe even the simplest thing with satisfying exactness4 ,but the human mind is so formed that it have a definition for a guide to learn anything is new4 ,therefore let us set up this dogmatic definition3 ,a pure vaudeville two-act is a humorous talking act performed by two persons4 ,it possesses unity of the characters1 is not combined with songs1 tricks or any other entertainment form1 is marked by compression1 follows a definite form of construction1 and usually requires from ten to fifteen minutes for delivery4 ,you have noticed that this definition is merely that of the monologue very slightly changed4 ,it differs from it only in the number of persons required for its delivery4 ,but1 like many such verbal jugglings1 the likeness of the two-act to the monologue is more apparent than real4 #b4 ,how the ,two-,act ,differs from the ,monologue ,turn to the ,appendix and read ,the ,art of ,flirtation1 by ,aaron ,hoffman4 #a ,it was chosen for publication in this volume as an example of the vaudeville two-act1 for two reasons3 ,first1 it is one of the best vaudeville two-acts ever written2 second1 a careful study of it1 in connection with ,the ,german ,senator1 will repay the student by giving an insight into the difference in treatment that the same author gives to the monologue and the two-act4 #a ,the ,art of ,flirtation1 by ,aaron ,hoffman1 has been used in vaudeville1 on the burlesque stage1 and in various musical comedies1 for years and has stood the test of time4 ,aside from the merely physical facts that two persons deliver the vaudeville two-act and but one does the monologue1 you will notice in reading ,the ,art of ,flirtation1 that the two-act depends a surprising lot on business #a to punch home its points and win its laughs4 ,this is the first instance in our study of vaudeville material in which acting #b demands from the writer studied consideration4 #a ,business means any movement an actor makes on the stage4 ,to walk across the stage1 to step on a man's toes1 to pick up a telephone1 to drop a handkerchief1 or even to grimace--if done to drive the spoken words home1 or to get over a meaning without words--are all1 with a thousand other gestures and movements1 stage business4 #b ,acting is action4 ,it comprises everything necessary to the performing of a part in a play and includes business4 ,so large a part does the element of business play in the success of the two-act that the early examples of this vaudeville form were nearly all built out of bits of business4 ,and the business was usually of the slap-stick kind4 #c4 ,what ,slap-,stick ,humor ,is ,slap-stick humor wins its laughs by the use of physical methods1 having received its name from the stick with which one clown hits another4 ,a slap-stick is so constructed that when a person is hit a light blow with it1 a second piece of wood slaps the first and a surprisingly loud noise1 as of a hard blow1 is heard4 ,children always laugh at the slap-stick clowns and you can depend upon many grown-ups1 too1 going into ecstasies of mirth4 ,building upon this sure foundation1 a class of comedians sprang up who worked up the laughter by taking advantage of the human delight in expectation4 ,for instance3 ,a man would lean over a wall and gaze at some distant scene4 ,he was perfectly oblivious to what was going on behind him4 ,the comedy character strolled out on the stage with a stick in his hand4 ,he nearly walked into the first man1 then he saw the seat of the man's trousers and the provokingly tempting mark they offered4 ,in the early days of the use of the slap-stick1 the comedian would have spanked the man at once1 got one big laugh and have run off the stage in a comic chase4 ,in the later days the comedian worked up his laugh into many laughs1 by spacing all of his actions in the delivery of the blow4 ,as soon as the audience realized that the comedian had the opportunity to spank the unsuspecting man1 they laughed4 ,then the comedian would make elaborate preparations to deliver the blow4 ,he would spit on his hands1 grasp the stick firmly and take close aim--a laugh4 ,then he would take aim again and slowly swing the stick over his shoulder ready to strike--a breathless titter4 ,down would come the stick--and stop a few inches short of the mark and the comedian would say3 ,it's a shame to do it6 ,this was a roar1 for the audience was primed to laugh and had to give vent to its expectant delight4 ,a clever comedian could do this twice1 or even three times1 varying the line each time4 ,but usually on the third preparation he would strike--and the house would be convulsed4 ,in burlesque they sometimes used a woman for the victim1 and the laughter was consequently louder and longer4 ,it is an interesting commentary on the advancement of all branches of the stage in recent years that even in burlesque such extreme slap-stick methods are now seldom used4 ,in vaudeville such an elemental bit of slap-stick business is rarely1 if ever1 seen4 ,happily1 a woman is now never the victim4 ,but it was upon such sure-fire #a bits of business that the early vaudeville two-acts--as well as many other acts--depended for a large percentage of their laughs4 ,it mattered little what were the lines they spoke4 ,they put their trust in business--and invariably won4 ,but their business was always of the same type as that bit #b of spanking the unsuspecting man4 ,it depended for its humor on the supposed infliction of pain4 ,it was always physical--although by no means always even remotely suggestive4 #a ,any act or piece of business or line in a speech that can be depended on to win laughter at every performance is called sure-fire4 #b ,anything done on the stage may be called a bit4 ,a minor character may have only a bit1 and some one part of a scene that the star may have1 may be a bit4 ,the word is used to describe a successful little scene that is complete in itself4 ,because such acts did not depend on lines but on slap-stick humor1 they became known as slap-stick acts4 ,and because these vaudeville two-acts--as we have elected to call them--were usually presented by two men and worked in ,one1 in front of a drop that represented a street1 they were called sidewalk comedian slap-stick acts4 ,their material was a lot of jokes of the ,who was that lady ,i saw you with last night8--,she weren't no lady1 she was my wife1 kind4 ,two performers would throw together an act made up of sure-fire comedy bits they had used in various shows1 interpolate a few old gags--and the vaudeville writer had very little opportunity4 ,but to-day--as a study of ,the ,art of ,flirtation will show--wit and structural skill in the material itself is of prime importance4 ,therefore the writer is needed to supply vaudeville two-acts4 ,but even to-day business still plays a very large part in the success of the two-act4 ,it may even be considered fundamental to the two-act's success4 ,therefore1 before we consider the structural elements that make for success in writing the two-act1 we shall take up the matter of two-act business4 #d4 ,the ,business of the ,two-,act ,the fact that we all laugh--in varying degrees--at the antics of the circus clown1 should be sufficient evidence of the permanence of certain forms of humor to admit of a belief in the basic truth that certain actions do in all times find a humorous response in all hearts4 ,certain things are fundamentally funny1 and have made our ancestors laugh1 just as they make us laugh and will make our descendants laugh4 ,there's no joke like an old joke1 is sarcastically but nevertheless literally true4 ,there may even be more than a humorous coincidence--perhaps an unconscious recognition of the sure-firedness of certain actions--in the warnings received in childhood to stop that funny business4 #e4 ,weber and ,fields on ,sure-,fire ,business ,however this may be1 wherever actors foregather and talk about bits of stage business that have won and always will win laughs for them1 there are a score or more points on which they agree4 ,no matter how much they may quarrel about the effectiveness of laugh-bits with which one or another has won a personal success--due1 perhaps1 to his own peculiar personality--they unite in admitting the universal effectiveness of certain good old stand-bys4 ,weber and ,fields--before they made so much money that they retired to indulge in the pleasant pastime of producing shows--presented probably the most famous of all the sidewalk comedian slap-stick acts4 #a ,they elevated the slap-stick sidewalk conversation act into national popularity and certainly reduced the business of their performance to a science--or raised it to an art4 ,in an article entitled ,adventures in ,human ,nature1 published in ,the ,associated ,sunday ,mazagines for ,june #bc1 #aiab1 ,joe ,weber and ,lew ,fields have this to say about the stage business responsible1 in large measure1 for the success of their famous two-act3 ,the capitalizing of the audiences' laughter we have set down in the following statistics1 ranged in the order of their value4 ,an audience will laugh loudest at these episodes3 7#a7 ,when a man sticks one finger into another man's eye4 7#b7 ,when a man sticks two fingers into another man's eyes4 7#c7 ,when a man chokes another man and shakes his head from side to side4 7#d7 ,when a man kicks another man4 7#e7 ,when a man bumps up suddenly against another man and knocks him off his feet4 7#f7 ,when a man steps on another man's foot4 #a ,the great success of the return of ,weber and ,fields to vaudeville in #aiae-af1 with excerpts from their old successes1 is only one more proof of the perennial value of sure-fire business4 ,human nature--as we have analyzed it1 with results that will be told you by the cashier at our bank--will laugh louder and oftener at these spectacles1 in the respective order we have chronicled them1 than at anything else one might name4 ,human nature here1 as before1 insists that the object of the attacks--the other man--be not really hurt4 ,now1 let us tell you how we arrived at our conclusions4 ,the eye is the most delicate part of the body4 ,if a man1 therefore1 pokes his two forefingers into the eyes of another man without hurting them1 then human nature will make you scream with mirth2 not at the sight of the poking of the fingers into the other man's eyes 7as you who have seen us do this trick night in and night out have imagined71 but because you get all the sensations of such a dangerous act without there being any actual pain involved in the case of the man you were watching4 ,you laugh because human nature tells you to4 ,you laugh because the man who had the fingers stuck into his eyes might have been hurt badly1 but wasn't4 ,the greatest laughter1 the greatest comedy1 is divided by a hair from the greatest tragedy4 ,always remember that6 ,as the chance of pain1 the proportion of physical misery1 the proportion of tragedy1 becomes diminished 7see the other items in the table71 so does the proportion of laughter become less and less4 ,we have often tried to figure out a way to do something to the other's kneecap--second in delicacy only to the eye--but the danger involved is too great4 ,once let us figure out the trick1 however1 and we shall have capitalized another item that may be listed high in our table4 ,here is how you can verify the truth of our observations yourself3 ,you have seen those small imitation tacks made of rubber4 ,exhibit one1 put it on a chair1 ask a stranger to sit down--and everybody who is in on the joke will scream with mirth4 ,try it with a real tack1 and everybody will take on a serious face and will want to keep the man from sitting down4 #f4 ,what ,george ,m4 ,cohan ,has to ,say ,george ,m4 ,cohan spent his boyhood on the vaudeville stage as one of ,the ,four ,cohans4 ,in collaboration with ,george ,j4 ,nathan1 ,mr4 ,cohan published in ,mc,clure's ,magazine for ,november1 #aiac1 an article entitled ,the ,mechanics of ,emotion4 ,here is what he has to say about some bits of business that are sure-fire laughs3 #a #a ,these sure-fire bits of business should be considered as being equally effective when used in any form of stage work4 ,some of them1 however1 lend themselves most readily to the vaudeville two-act4 ,here1 then1 are a few of the hundred-odd things that you constantly laugh at on the stage1 though1 when you see them in cold type1 you will probably be ashamed of doing so4 7#a7 ,giving a man a resounding whack on the back under the guise of friendship4 ,the laugh in this instance may be built up steadily in a climacteric way by repeating the blow three times at intervals of several minutes4 7#b7 ,a man gives a woman a whack on the back1 believing in an absent-minded moment that the woman 7to whom he is talking7 is a man4 7#c7 ,one character steps on the sore foot of another character1 causing the latter to jump with pain4 7#d7 ,the spectacle of a man laden with many large bundles4 7#e7 ,a man or a woman starts to lean his or her elbow on a table or the arm of a chair1 the elbow slipping off abruptly and suddenly precipitating him or her forward4 7#f7 ,one character imitating the walk of another character1 who is walking in front of him and cannot see him4 7#g7 ,a man consuming a drink of considerable size at one quick gulp4 7#h7 ,a character who1 on entering an interior or room scene1 stumbles over a rug4 ,if the character in point be of the dignified sort1 the power of this laugh provoker is doubled4 7#i7 ,intoxication in almost any form4 #a #a ,intoxication1 however1 must never be revolting4 ,to be welcomed1 it must always be funny2 in rare instances1 it may be pathetic4 7#aj7 ,two men in heated conversation4 ,one starts to leave4 ,suddenly1 as if fearing the other will kick him while his back is turned1 this man bends his body inward 7as if he actually had been kicked7 and sidles off4 7#aa7 ,a man who1 in trying to light his cigar or cigarette1 strikes match after match in an attempt to keep one lighted4 ,if the man throws each useless match vigorously to the floor with a muttered note of vexation the laughter will increase4 7#ab7 ,the use of a swear-word4 #b #b ,the use of swear-words is prohibited in most first-class vaudeville theatres4 ,on the walls of every ,b4 ,f4 ,keith ,theatre is posted this notice3 ,the use of ',damn' and ',hell' is forbidden on the stage of this theatre4 ,if a performer cannot do without using them1 he need not open here4 7#ac7 ,a man proclaims his defiance of his wife while the latter is presumably out of hearing4 ,as the man is speaking1 his wife's voice is heard calling him4 ,meekly he turns and goes to her4 ,this device has many changes1 such as employer and employee4 ,all are equally effective4 7#ad7 ,a pair of lovers who try several times to kiss1 and each time are interrupted by the entrance of some one or by the ringing of the doorbell or telephone-bell or something of the sort4 7#ae7 ,a bashful man and a not-bashful woman are seated on a bench or divan4 ,as the woman gradually edges up to the man1 the man just as gradually edges away from her4 ,all these laugh-getters are known to the experienced as high class2 that is1 they may all be used upon the legitimate stage4 ,on the burlesque and vaudeville stages devices of a somewhat lower intellectual plane have established a permanent standing ,an authority on this phase of the subject is ,mr4 ,frederick ,wyckoff1 who catalogues the following as a few of the tricks that make a vaudeville audience laugh3 ,open your coat and show a green vest1 or pull out your shirt front and expose a red undershirt4 ,another excellent thing to do is to wear a shirt without sleeves and pull off your coat repeatedly4 #a #a ,such ancient methods of winning laughs1 however1 belong to vaudeville yesterdays4 ,it should be remembered that ,mr4 ,nathan1 who bore the labor of writing this excellent article1 is blessed with a satirical soul--which1 undoubtedly1 is the reason why he is so excellent and so famous a dramatic critic4 ,ask the orchestra leader if he is married4 ,have the drummer put in an extra beat with the cymbals1 then glare at him4 ,always use an expression which ends with the query1 ,did he not8 ,then say1 ,he did not4 ,the men who elaborated this kind of thing into a classic are ,messrs4 ,weber and ,fields4 ,they are the great presiding deities of slap-stick humor4 ,they have capitalized it to enormous financial profit4 ,they claim that ,mr4 ,fields' favorite trick of poking his forefinger periodically in ,mr4 ,weber's eye is worth a large fortune in itself4 ,a peculiarity of this kind of humor is that it finds its basis in the inflicting of pain4 ,a painful situation apparently contains elements of the ridiculous so long as the pain is not actually of a serious nature4 ,here1 too1 the stage merely mirrors life itself4 ,we laugh at the person who falls on the ice1 at the man who bumps against a chair or table in the dark1 at the headache of the morning after1 at the boy who eats green apples and pays the abdominal penalty1 at the woman whose shoes are so tight they hurt her1 at the person who is thrown to the floor by a sudden lurch of a street-car1 and at the unfortunate who sits on a pin4 ,a man chasing his rolling hat in the street makes everybody laugh4 ,the most successful tricks or jokes are all based on the idea of pain or embarrassment4 ,tacks made of rubber1 matches that explode or refuse to light1 exploding cigars or cigarettes1 fountain-pens that smear ink over the fingers immediately they are put to use1 electric bells with pins secreted in their push buttons1 and boutonnieres that squirt water into the face of the beholder1 are a few familiar examples4 ,here1 then1 we have the bits of business that three of the ablest producers of the legitimate stage--all graduates from vaudeville1 by the way--agree upon as sure-fire for the vaudeville two-act4 ,paradoxically1 however1 they should be considered not as instructive of what you should copy1 but as brilliant examples of what you should avoid4 ,they belong more to vaudeville's ,past than to its ,present4 ,audiences laughed at them yesterday--they may not laugh at them tomorrow4 ,if you would win success1 you must invent new business in the light of the old successes4 ,the principles underlying these laugh-getters remain the same forever4 #g4 ,sure-,fire ,laughs ,depend upon ,action and ,situation1 ,not on ,words ,if you will read again what ,weber and ,fields have to say about their adventures in human nature1 you will note that not once do they mention the lines with which they accompanied the business of their two-act4 ,several times they mention situation--which is the result of action1 when it is not its cause--but the words by which they accompanied those actions and explained those situations they did not consider of enough importance to mention4 ,every successful two-act1 every entertainment-form of which acting is an element--the playlet and the full-evening play as well--prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that what audiences laugh at--what you and ,i laugh at--is not words1 but actions and situations4 ,later on1 this most important truth--the very life-blood of stage reality--will be taken up and considered at greater length in the study of the playlet4 ,but it cannot be mentioned too often4 ,it is a vital lesson that you must learn if you would achieve even the most fleeting success in writing for the stage in general and vaudeville in particular4 ,but by action is not meant running about the stage1 or even wild wavings of the arms4 ,there must be action in the idea--in the thought--even though the performers stand perfectly still4 ,so it is not with words1 witty sayings1 funny observations and topsy-turvy language alone that the writer works1 when he constructs a vaudeville two-act4 ,it is with clever ideas1 expressed in laughable situations and actions1 that his brain is busy when he begins to marshal to his aid the elements that enter into the preparation of two-act material4 ,,chapter ,,viii ,,the ,,structural ,,elements ,,of ,,two-,,act ,,material ,it is very likely that in your study of ,the ,german ,senator and ,the ,art of ,flirtation1 there has crossed your mind this thought3 ,both the monologue and the two-act are composed of points and gags4 ,the only difference--besides the merely physical difference of two persons delivering the gags and the greater amount of business used to get them over #a--lies in the way the gags are constructed4 ,the very same gags--twisted just a little differently--would do equally well for either the monologue or the two-act4 #a ,to get over a vaudeville line or the entire act1 means to make it a success--to make it get over the foot-lights so that the audience may see and appreciate it1 or get it4 ,i4 ,,the ,,individual ,,twist ,,of ,,the ,,two-,,act ,there is just enough truth in this to make it seem an illuminating fact4 ,for instance1 take the janitor point in ,the ,german ,senator4 ,we may imagine the characters of a two-act working up through a routine1 and then one saying to the other3 ,a child can go to school for nothing1 and when he grows up to be a man and he is thoroughly educated he can go into the public school and be a teacher and get fifty dollars a month4 ,the other swiftly saying3 ,and the janitor gets ninety-five4 ,there would be a big laugh in this arrangement of this particular gag1 without a doubt4 ,but only a few points of ,the ,german ,senator could be used for a two-act1 with nearly as much effect as in the monologue form4 ,for instance1 take the introduction4 ,of course1 that is part and parcel of the monologue form1 and therefore seems hardly a fair example1 yet it is particularly suggestive of the unique character of much monologic material4 ,but take the series of points in ,the ,german ,senator1 beginning3 ,we were better off years ago than we are now4 ,picture the effect if one character said3 ,look at ,adam in the ,garden of ,eat-ing4 #bnd ,life to him was a pleasure4 #ast ,there was a fellow that had nothing to worry about4 #bnd ,anything he wanted he could get4 #ast ,but the old fool had to get lonesome4 #bnd ,and that's the guy that started all our trouble etc4 etc4 etc4 ,even before the fourth speech it all sounded flat and tiresome1 didn't it8 ,almost unconsciously you compared it with the brighter material in ,the ,art of ,flirtation4 ,but1 you may say3 ,if the business had been snappy and funny1 the whole thing would have raised a laugh4 ,how could business be introduced in this gag--without having the obvious effect of being lugged in by the heels8 ,business1 to be effective1 must be the body of the material's soul4 ,the material must suggest the business1 so it will seem to be made alive by it4 ,it must be as much the obvious result of the thought as when your hand would follow the words1 ,i'm going to give you this4 ,here1 take it4 ,herein lies the reason why two-act material differs from monologic material4 ,experience alone can teach you to feel the difference unerringly4 ,yet it is in a measure true that some of the points and gags that are used in many monologues--rarely the anecdotal gag1 however1 which must be acted out in non-two-act form--would be equally effective if differently treated in the two-act4 ,but often this is not due so much to the points themselves as to the fault of the writer in considering them monologic points4 ,the underlying cause of many such errors may be the family likeness discernible in all stage material4 ,still1 it is much better for the writer fully to recompense ,peter1 than to rob ,peter to pay ,paul inadequately4 ,nevertheless1 aside from the feel of the material--its individual adaptability--there is a striking similarity in the structural elements of the monologue and the two-act4 ,everything in the chapter on ,the ,nature of the ,monologue is as true of the two-act as of the monologue1 if you use discrimination4 ,refer to what was said about humor1 unity of character1 compression1 vividness1 smoothness and blending1 and read it all again in the light of the peculiar requirements of the two-act4 ,they are the elements that make for its success4 ,,ii4 ,,thinking ,,out ,,the ,,two-,,act ,the two-act--like all stage material in which acting plays a part--is not written2 it is constructed4 ,you may write with the greatest facility1 and yet fail in writing material for the vaudeville stage4 ,the mere wording of a two-act means little1 in the final analysis4 ,it is the action behind the words that suggests the stage effect4 ,it is the business--combined with the acting--that causes the audience to laugh and makes the whole a success4 ,so the two-act1 like every other stage form1 must--before it is written--be thought out4 ,in the preceding chapter1 you read of the elements that enter into the construction of a two-act4 ,they are also some of the broad foundation elements which underlie1 in whole or in part1 all other stage-acting--material4 ,a few of the two-act elements that have to do more particularly with the manuscript construction have been reserved for discussion in the paragraphs on development4 ,in this chapter we shall consider what you must have before you even begin to think out your two-act--your theme4 #a4 ,selecting a ,theme ,imitation may be the sincerest flattery1 but it is dangerous for the imitator4 ,and yet to stray too far afield alone is even more hazardous4 ,successful vaudeville writers are much like a band of ,indians marching through an enemy's country--they follow one another in single file1 stepping in each other's footprints4 ,in other words1 they obey the rules of their craft1 but their mental strides1 like the ,indians' physical footsteps1 are individual and distinct4 #b4 ,fundamental ,themes ,experience has taught effective writers that certain definite themes are peculiarly adaptable to two-act form and they follow them4 ,but success comes to them not because they stick to certain themes only--they win because they vary these fundamental themes as much as they can and still remain within the limits of proved theatrical success4 7a7 ,the ,quarrel ,theme4 ,search my memory as diligently as ,i may1 ,i cannot now recall a single successful two-act that has not had somewhere in its routine a quarrel1 while many of the most successful two-acts ,i remember have been constructed with a quarrel as their routine motives4 ,with this observation in mind1 re-read ,the ,art of ,flirtation and you will discover that the biggest laughs precede1 arise from1 or are followed by quarrels4 ,weber and ,fields in their list of the most humorous business1 cite not only mildly quarrelsome actions1 but actually hostile and seemingly dangerous acts4 ,the more hostile and the more seemingly dangerous they are1 the funnier they are4 ,run through the ,cohan list and you will discover that nearly every bit of business there reported is based on a quarrel1 or might easily lead to a fight4 7b7 ,the ,fool ,theme4 ,to quote again from ,weber and ,fields3 ,there are two other important items in human nature that we have capitalized along with others to large profit4 ,human nature1 according to the way we analyzed it1 is such a curious thing that it will invariably find cause for extreme mirth in seeing some other fellow being made a fool of1 no matter who that fellow may be1 and in seeing a man betting on a proposition when he cannot possibly win4 ,we figured it out1 in the first place1 that nothing pleased a man much more than when he saw another man being made to look silly in the eyes of others4 ,for example1 don't you laugh when you observe a dignified looking individual strutting down the street wearing a paper tail that has been pinned to his coat by some mischievous boys8 #a #a ,from the ,weber and ,fields article already quoted4 ,note how the fool theme runs all through ,the ,art of ,flirtation4 ,go to see as many two-acts as you can and you will find that one or another of the characters is always trying to show up the other4 7c7 ,the ,sucker ,theme4 ,as for the quirk in human nature that shows great gratification at the sight of a man betting on something where he is bound to be the loser3 in inelegant language1 this relates simply to the universal impulse to laugh at a sucker4 ,it is just like standing in front of a sideshow tent after you have paid your good money1 gone in1 and been stung1 and laughing at everyone else who pays his good money1 comes out1 and has been equally stung4 ,you laugh at a man when he loses the money he has bet on a race that has already been run when the wager has been posted4 ,you laugh at a man who bets a man ten dollars receive is spelled recieve1 when you have just looked at the dictionary and appreciate that he hasn't a chance4 4 4 4 ,comedy that lives year after year--no matter whether you choose to call it refined or not--never comes to its exploiters by accident4 ,the intrinsic idea1 the germ1 may come accidentally2 but the figuring out of the elaboration and execution of the comedy takes thinking and a pretty fair knowledge of your fellow men4 #a #a ,from the ,weber and ,fields article4 ,although there are very many two-acts--among them ,the ,art of ,flirtation--which do not make use of this third fundamental theme1 there are a great many that depend for their biggest laughs upon this sure-fire subject4 ,in common with the fool theme1 the sucker theme lends itself to use as a part or bit of a two-act4 ,and both these themes are likely to be interspersed with quarrels4 ,there are1 of course1 other themes that might be classed with these three fundamental themes4 ,but they tend to trail off upon doubtful ground4 ,therefore1 as we are considering only those that are on incontrovertible ground1 let us now turn our attention to the act themes which we will call3 #c4 ,subject ,themes ,what can you bring to the vaudeville stage in the way of themes that are new8 ,that is what you should ask yourself1 rather than to inquire what has already been done4 ,anything that admits of treatment on the lines of the two-act as it has been spread before you1 offers itself as a subject theme4 ,in the degree that you can find in it points that are bright1 clever1 laughter-provoking and business-suggestive1 does it recommend itself to you as a theme4 ,here is the merest skimming of the themes of the two-acts presented in one large city during one week3 ,flirting3 done in a burlesque way4 ,our own example1 ,the ,art of ,flirtation4 ,quarrelsome musicians in search of a certain street4 ,one is always wrong4 ,gags all on this routine subject4 ,getting a job3 sucker theme4 ,one character an ,italian politician1 the other an ,italian laborer4 ,wives3 one man is boss at home1 the other is henpecked4 ,furthermore1 the wives don't agree4 ,quarrel theme4 ,old times3 two old schoolmates meet in the city4 ,one a fly guy1 the other a simple1 quiet country fellow4 ,fool theme1 in the old days and the present4 ,note the variety of subjects treated4 ,if my memory serves me correctly1 everyone of these acts had a quarrel either as its entire subject1 or the usual quarrels developed frequently in the routine4 ,these quarrels1 as in most two-acts1 were fundamental to much of their humor4 ,but no two of the acts had the same subject theme4 ,it would seem1 then1 that in thinking out the two-act1 the author would do well to avoid every theme that has been used--if such a thing is humanly possible1 where everything seems to have been done--and to attempt1 at least1 to bring to his two-act a new subject theme4 ,but if this is impossible1 the writer should bring to the old theme a new treatment4 ,indeed1 a new treatment with all its charm of novelty will make any old theme seem new4 ,one of the standard recipes for success in any line of endeavor is3 ,find out what somebody else has done1 and then do that thing--better4 ,and one of the ways of making an old theme appear new1 is to invest it with the different personalities of brand new characters4 ,,iii4 ,,two-,,act ,,characters ,from the time when vaudeville first emerged as a commanding new form of entertainment1 distinct from its progenitor1 the legitimate stage1 and its near relatives1 burlesque and musical comedy1 there have been certain characters indissolubly associated with the two-act4 ,among them are the ,irish character1 or ,tad2 the ,german1 or ,dutch1 as they are often misnamed2 the black-face1 or ,nigger2 the farmer1 or ,rube2 the ,swedish1 or ,swede2 the ,italian1 or ,wop2 and the ,hebrew1 or ,jew4 ,not much chance for a new character1 you will say--but have you thought about the different combinations you can make8 ,there is a wealth of ready humor waiting not only in varying combinations1 but in placing the characters in new businesses4 ,for example1 doesn't a ,jew aviator who is pestered by an insurance agent or an undertaker1 strike you as offering amusing possibilities8 ,but don't sit right down and think out your two-act on the lines of the combination ,i have suggested on the spur of the moment4 ,others are sure to be ahead of you4 ,you can only win success with new characters that are all your own4 ,then you are likely to be the first in the field4 ,as a final warning1 permit the suggestion that bizarre combinations of characters very probably will be difficult to sell4 ,make your combinations within the limits of plausibility1 and use characters that are seen upon the stage often enough to be hailed with at least a pleasant welcome4 ,,iv4 ,,the ,,two ,,character ,,parts ,comedy and ,straight ,the characters of the two-act are technically called the comedian and the straight-man4 ,the comedian might better be called the laugh-man1 just as the straight is more clearly termed the feeder4 ,in the early days of the business the comedian was always distinguishable by his comedy clothes4 ,one glance would tell you he was the comical cuss4 ,the straight-man dressed like a gent1 dazzling the eyes of the ladies with his correct raiment4 ,from this fact the names comedian and straight arose4 ,but today you seldom can tell the two apart4 ,they do not dress extravagantly1 either for comedy or for fashion effect4 ,they often dress precisely alike--that is1 so far as telling their different characters is concerned4 ,their difference in wealth and intelligence may be reflected in their clothes1 but only as such differences would be apparent in real life4 ,indeed1 the aim today is to mimic reality in externals1 precisely as the real characters themselves are impersonated in every shade of thought and artistic inflection of speech4 ,there are1 to be sure1 exceptions to this modern tendency4 ,the original purposes of their stage names1 however1 remain as true today as they did when the two-act first was played4 ,the comedian has nearly all the laugh lines and the straight-man feeds him4 ,not only must you keep the characters themselves pure of any violation of their unity1 but you must also see to it that every big laugh is given to the comedian4 ,if the comedian is the one getting the worst of it--as is almost invariably the case--he must get the worst of it nearly every time4 ,but that does not influence the fact that he also gets almost all the laugh lines4 ,note the working out of the laugh lines in ,the ,art of ,flirtation4 ,you will see that only on the rarest of occasions does the straight-man have a funny line given him4 ,the only time the feeder may be given a laugh line1 is when the laugh is what is called a flash-back4 ,for example1 take the point in ,the ,art of ,flirtation beginning3 ,,comedian ,and does she answer8 ,,straight ,she's got to2 it says it in the book4 ,,comedian ,does she answer you with a handkerchief8 ,,straight ,yes1 or she might answer you with an umbrella4 ,this is a flash-back4 ,but1 the comedian gets a bigger laugh on the next line--worked up by a gesture3 ,,comedian ,over the head4 ,or take this form of the flash-back1 which may seem an even clearer example3 ,,comedian ,oh1 ,i know how to be disagreeable to a lady4 ,you ought to hear me talk to my wife4 ,,straight ,to your wife8 ,any man can be disagreeable to his wife4 ,but think--1 and so on into the introduction to the next point4 ,it is always a safe rule to follow that whenever you give the straight-man a flash-back1 top it with a bigger laugh for the comedian4 ,how many flash-backs you may permit in your two-act1 depends upon the character of the material1 and also varies according to the bigness of the roars that the business adds to the comedian's laughs4 ,no stated rule can be given you4 ,in this1 as in everything else1 you must carve your own way to win your own business4 ,,chapter ,,ix ,,putting ,,the ,,two-,,act ,,on ,,paper ,you have selected your theme1 chosen your characters1 thought out every angle of business1 and mapped nearly all of your points1 as well as your big laugh-lines3 now you are ready to put your two-act on paper4 ,before taking your pen in hand1 stop for a moment of self-analysis4 ,you can now determine how likely you are to succeed as a writer of the two-act1 by this simple self-examination3 ,how much of my two-act have ,i thought out clearly so that it is playing before my very eyes8 ,if you have thought it all out1 so that every bit of business moves before your eyes1 as every point rings in your ears1 you are very likely to turn out an acceptable two-act--if you have not played a chooser's part1 and your points are real points4 ,but do not imagine because you are positive that you have thought everything out beforehand1 and now have come to writing it down1 that your job of thinking is ended4 ,not at all2 there are a few things still to be thought out1 while you are writing4 ,i4 ,,where ,,to ,,begin ,as in the monologue--because your material is made up of points--you may begin nearly anywhere to write your two-act4 ,and like the monologue1 you need not have a labored formal introduction4 ,the ,introduction ,still1 your introduction is no less comprehensively informing because it has not the air of formality4 ,if your characters by their appearance stamp themselves for what they are1 you may trust complete characterization--as you should in writing every form of stage material--to what each character does and says4 ,but in your very first line you should subtly tell the audience1 so there cannot possibly be any mistake1 what your subject is4 ,why are those two men out there on the stage8 ,what is the reason for their attitude toward each ther8 ,if they are quarreling1 why are they quarreling8 ,if they are laughing1 why are they laughing8 ,but don't make the mistake of trying to tell too much4 ,to do that1 would be to make your introduction draggy4 ,you must make the audience think the characters are bright--precisely as the introduction of the monologue is designed to make the audience think the monologist is bright4 ,write your introduction in very short speeches4 ,show the attitude of the characters clearly and plainly1 as the first speech of our two-act example shows the characters are quarreling3 ,,straight ,say1 whenever we go out together you always got a kick coming4 ,what's the matter with you8 ,then get into your subject-theme quickly after you have given the audience time to get acquainted and settled1 with the memory of the preceding act dimmed in their minds by the giggle-points of your introduction4 ,the introduction of the two-act is designed to stamp the characters as real characters1 to establish their relations to each other1 to give the audience time to settle down to the new turn1 to make them think the performers are bright and to delay the first big laugh until the psychological moment has come to spring the initial big point of the subject theme1 after the act has got the audience4 ,,ii4 ,,the ,,development ,it would seem needless to repeat what has already been stated so plainly in the chapters on the monologue1 that no one can teach you how to write excruciatingly funny points and gags1 and that no one can give you the power to originate laughter-compelling situations4 ,you must rise or fall by the force of your own ability4 ,there are1 however1 two suggestions that can be given you for the production of a good two-act4 ,one is a don't1 and the other a do4 ,don't write your points in the form of questions and answers4 ,the days of the ,why did the chicken cross the road8--,because she wanted to get on the other side sort of two-act1 is past4 ,write all your points in conversational style4 ,never write3 ,what were you doing at ,pat's dinner lathering your face with a charlotte russe8 ,write it3 ,so you were down at ,pat's house for dinner1 and you went and lathered your face with a charlotte russe--,i saw you4 ,of course when a legitimate question is to be asked1 ask it4 ,but do not deliberately throw your points into question form4 ,your guide to the number of direct queries you would use should be the usual conversational methods of real life4 ,your subject1 of course1 in a large measure determines how many questions you need to ask4 ,for instance1 if your theme is one that develops a lot of fun through one character instructing the other1 a correspondingly large number of questions naturally would be asked4 ,but1 as ,the ,art of ,flirtation plainly shows1 you can get a world of fun out of even an instruction theme1 without the use of a wearying number of inquiries4 ,the two-act fashion today is the direct1 conversational style4 ,now for the second suggestion3 ,although some exceedingly successful two-acts have been written with many themes scattered through their twelve or more minutes1 probably a larger number have won success through singleness of subject4 ,a routine with but one subject worked up to its most effective height is often more likely to please4 ,furthermore1 for the reason that the two-act is breaking away from the offering that is merely pieced together out of successful bits--precisely as that class of act struggled away from the old slap-stick turn--the single-routine now finds readier sale4 ,the present tendency of the two-act seems to be to present clever characterization--and so to win by artistic acting1 as before it won by cruder methods4 ,therefore1 strive for unity of routine4 ,treat but one subject and amplify that one subject with singleness of purpose4 ,the point1 or the gag1 of a two-act is very much like that of the monologue4 ,in so far as construction is concerned--by this ,i mean laugh-wave construction--they are identical4 ,study ,the ,art of ,flirtation1 and you will see how little laughs precede big laughs and follow after1 mounting into still bigger laughs that rise into roars of laughter4 #a4 ,introducing a ,point ,if you were telling a joke to a friend you would be sure to tell him in your very first sentence all the things he would need in order to understand the point of the joke1 wouldn't you8 ,you would take great care not to leave out one salient bit of information that would make him see the joke plainly--you would be as logical as though you were trying to sell him a bill of goods4 ,take the same attitude toward each point that you introduce into your two-act4 ,remember1 you are wholesaling your jokes to the comedians1 who must retail them to their audiences4 ,therefore1 introduce each new point as clearly and as briefly as you can4 ,let us take a point from ,the ,art of ,flirtation and see how it is constructed4 ,the very first line the straight-man speaks when he comes out on the stage unmistakably declares his relation to the comedian4 ,when he shows the book1 he explains precisely what it is4 ,and while laugh after laugh is worked out of it1 the precise things that the book teaches are made clear4 ,,straight ,no4 ,it ain't ten cent love4 ,it's fine love4 7,opens book7 ,see--here is the destructions4 ,right oil the first page you learn something4 ,see--how to flirt with a handkerchief4 ,,comedian ,who wants to flirt with a handkerchief8 ,i want to flirt with a woman4 ,,straight ,listen to what the book says4 ,to a flirter all things have got a language4 ,according to this book flirters can speak with the eye1 with the fan1 with the cane1 with the umbrella1 with the handkerchief1 with anything2 this book tells you how to do it4 ,,comedian ,for ten cents4 ,note that the straight-man does not say1 with the eye1 cane1 umbrella-- and so on through the list4 ,he says ,with the eye1 with the fan1 with the cane--4 ,there can be no mistake--as there might be if the items were enumerated swiftly4 ,each one is given importance by the with the eye1 with the fan4 ,the words with the lend emphasis and a humorous weight4 ,,straight ,shut up4 ,now when you see a pretty woman coming along who wants to flirt with you1 what is the first thing a man should do8 ,,comedian ,run the other way4 ,,straight ,no1 no4 ,this is the handkerchief flirtation4 4 4 4 ,you see precisely what the subject of this particular point is because it is stated in unmistakable words4 ,,straight 4 4 4,as soon as a pretty woman makes eyes at you1 you put your hands in your pockets4 ,,comedian ,and hold on to your money4 ,now this is a big laugh at every performance--a sure-fire laugh when it is well done4 ,note that it is the fourth line the comedian has after the specific point introduction1 4 4 4,see--how to flirt with a handkerchief8 ,now the line ,who wants to flirt with a handkerchief8 ,i want to flirt with a woman1 is not intended to be a real laugh-line4 ,it serves as an audience settler1 gives emphasis to the explanation of just what the book tells and helps to blend into the next line4 ,there's a first laugh on1 ,for ten cents4 ,a bigger laugh comes on1 ,run the other way4 ,and the bigest--in this point-division-- on the third laugh line ,and hold on to your money4 #b4 ,blending into the ,following ,point ,when you have a big laugh1 you must make the next line carry you on smoothly into the succeeding lint4 ,it matters not whether the points are all related to the same general subject or not--although we are considering here only the single-routine two-act--you must take great care that each point blends into the following one with logical sequence4 ,the line1 ,who wants to flirt with a handkerchief8 ,i want to flirt with a woman1 helps in the blending of the point division we have just examined4 ,the straight-man's line following the big laugh line in that point division1 ,no1 you take out your handkerchief1 7biz4 #a7 is another example of the blend-line4 ,and it is the very first introduction of the peculiar style of business that makes of ,the ,art of ,flirtation so funny an act4 #a ,biz4 is often used in vaudeville material for bus41 the correct contraction of business4 #c4 ,the ,use of ,business ,let us continue in the examination of this example4 ,,comedian ,suppose you ain't got a handkerchief8 ,,straight ,every flirter must have a handkerchief4 ,it says it in the book4 ,now you shake the handkerchief three times like this4 7,biz7 ,do you know what that means8 ,,comedian 7,biz4 of shaking head47 ,,straight ,that means you want her to give you-- ,,comedian ,ten cents4 ,the reason why these two words come with such humorous effect1 lies in two causes4 ,first1 ten cents has been used before with good laugh results--as a gag line1 you recall--and this is the comedian's magical third time use of it4 ,it is a good example of the three-sequence mystery which ,weber and ,fields mentioned1 and which has been used to advantage on the stage for many1 many years4 ,second1 the comedian had refused to answer the straight-man's question4 ,he simply stood there and shook his head4 ,it was the very simple business of shaking his head that made his interruption come as a surprise and gave perfect setting for the gag-line4 ,read the speeches that follow and you will see how business is used4 ,note particularly how the business makes this point stand out as a great big laugh3 ,,straight 4 4 4,den you hold your handkerchief by the comer like dis4 ,,comedian ,vat does that mean8 ,,straight ,meet me on the corner4 ,,comedian ,och1 dat's fine4 7,takes handkerchief74 4 4 ,den if you hold it dis way1 dat means 7biz473 ,are you on the square8 ,this line reads even funnier than many laughs in the act that are bigger1 but its business cannot be explained in words4 ,it seems funnier to you because you can picture it4 ,you actually see it1 precisely as it is done4 ,then the next line blends it into the next point1 which is clearly introduced with a grin--is developed into a laugh1 a bigger laugh by effective business1 and then into a roar4 ,point after point follows--each point topping the preceding point--until the end of the two-act is reached in the biggest laugh of all4 ,,iii4 ,,how ,,and ,,where ,,to ,,end ,the business of the two-act1 which secures its effects by actions that are often wholly without words1 makes the two-act more difficult to time than a monologue4 ,furthermore1 even if the time-consuming bits of business were negligible1 the precise timing of a two-act by the author is not really necessary4 ,precisely as a monologist can vary the length of his offering by leaving out gags1 the two-act performers can shorten their offering at will--by leaving out points4 ,hence it is much better to supply more points than time will permit to delivery in the finished performance1 than to be required to rewrite your material to stretch the subject to fill out time4 ,all you need do is to keep the two-act within1 say1 twenty minutes4 ,and to gauge the length roughly1 count about one hundred and fifteen words to a minute4 ,therefore1 having arranged your points upon separate cards1 or slips of paper1 and having shuffied them about and tried them all in various routines to establish the best1 choose your very biggest laugh for the last4 #a ,wherever that biggest laugh may have been in the sample routines you have arranged1 take it out and blend it in for your final big roar4 #a ,see description of card system1 ,chapter ,,vi1 section ,,iii4 ,remember that the last laugh must be the delighted roar that will take the performers off stage1 and bring them back again and again for their bows4 ,,iv4 ,,making ,,the ,,manuscript ,a ,,stage ,,success ,the manuscript of a two-act is only a prophecy of what may be4 ,it may be a good prophecy or a bad prognostication--only actual performance before an audience can decide4 ,as we saw in the monologue1 points that the author thought would go big--die2 and unexpectedly1 little grins waken into great big laughs4 ,there is no way of telling from the manuscript4 ,when you have finished your two-act you must be prepared to construct it all over again in rehearsal1 and during all the performances of its try-out weeks4 ,not only must the points be good themselves1 they must also fit the performers like the proverbial kid gloves4 ,more two-acts--and this applies to all other stage-offerings as well--have started out as merely promising successes1 than have won at the first try-out4 ,for this reason1 be prepared to work all the morning rehearsing1 at the matinee and the night performances1 and after the theatre is dark1 to conjure giggle points into great big laughs1 and lift the entire routine into the success your ability and the performers' cleverness can make it4 ,even after it has won its way into a contract and everybody is happy1 you must be prepared to keep your two-act up-to-the-minute4 ,while it is on the road1 you must send to the performers all the laughs you can think of--particularly if you have chosen for your theme one that demands constant furbishing to keep it bright4 ,v4 ,,other ,,two-,,act ,,forms ,it is with direct purpose that the discussion of the two-act has been confined to the kind of act that ,weber and ,fields made so successful--and of which ,mr4 ,hoffman's ,the ,art of ,flirtation is a more up-to-date1 mild and artistic form4 ,there are other forms of the two-act1 of course1 but the kind of two-act we have discussed is peculiarly typical of two-act material4 ,it holds within itself practically all the elements of the two-act that the writer has to consider4 ,it is only necessary now to describe the other forms briefly4 ,by pure two-act form1 ,i mean the two-act that is presented without songs1 tricks1 or any other entertainment elements4 ,yet many of the most successful two-acts open with a song1 introduce songs or parodies into the middle of their dialogue1 or close with a song or some novelty4 ,do not imagine that a two-act in which songs are introduced cannot be precisely as good as one that depends upon its talk alone4 ,it may be an even better act4 ,if it pleases the audience better1 it is a better act4 ,remember that while we have been discussing the two-act from the writer's view-point1 it is the applause of the audience that stamps every act with the final seal of approval4 ,but1 whether a two-act makes use of songs or tricks or anything else1 does not change the principles on which all two-act points and gags are constructed4 ,the more common talking two-acts are3 #a4 ,the ,sidewalk ,conversation or ,gag ,act ,this form may or may not open and close with songs1 and depends upon skillfully blended1 but not necessarily related1 gags and jokes4 #b4 ,the ,parody ,two-,act ,this sort of act opens and closes with parodies on the latest song-hits1 and uses talk for short rests and humorous effect between the parodies by which the act makes its chief appeal4 #c4 ,the ,singing ,two-,act ,this type makes its appeal not by the use of songs1 but because the voices are very fine4 ,such an act may use a few gags and unrelated jokes--perhaps of the nut variety--to take the act out of the pure duet class and therefore offer wider appeal4 #d4 ,the ,comedy ,act for ,two ,women ,such acts may depend on precisely the same form of routine the pure talking two-act for men uses4 ,of course1 the treatment of the subject themes is gentler and the material is all of a milder character4 #e4 ,the ,two-,act with ,plot ,interest ,acts of this character make use of a comedy1 burlesque1 melodramatic or even a dramatic plot4 ,this form of sketch seldom rises into the playlet class4 ,it is a two-act merely because it is played by two persons4 ,often1 however1 this form of the two-act uses a thread of plot on which to string its business and true two-act points4 ,it may or may not make use of songs1 parodies1 tricks or other entertainment elements4 ,we have now come to a form of two-act which is of so popular a nature that it requires more than passing mention4 ,this is #f4 ,the ,flirtation ,two-,act ,usually presented with songs making their appeal to sentiment1 almost always marked by at least one change of costume by the woman1 sometimes distinguished by a special drop and often given more than a nucleus of plot1 this very popular form of two-act sometimes rises into the dignity of a little production4 ,indeed1 many two-acts of this kind have been so successful in their little form they have been expanded into miniature musical comedies #a4 #a ,see ,chapter ,,xxx1 ,the ,one-,act ,musical ,comedy4 7a7 ,romance is the chief source of the flirtation two-act's appeal4 ,it is the dream-love in the heart of every person in the audience which makes this form of two-act go so well4 ,moonlight1 a girl and a man--this is the recipe4 7b7 ,witty ,dialogue that fences with love1 that thrusts1 parries and--surrenders1 is what makes the flirtation two-act get over4 ,it is the same kind of dialogue that made ,anthony ,hope's ,dolly ,dialogues so successful in their day1 the sort of speeches which we1 in real life1 think of afterward and wish we had made4 7c7 ,daintiness of effect is what is needed in this form of two-act4 ,dialogue and business1 scenery1 lights and music all combine to the fulfillment of its purpose4 ,the cruder touches of other two-act forms are forgotten and the entire effort is concentrated on making an appeal to the ideal4 ,turn to the ,appendix1 and read ,after the ,shower1 and you will see how these various elements are unified4 ,this famous flirtation two-act has been chosen because it shows practically all the elements we have discussed4 ,,chapter ,x ,,the ,,playlet ,,as ,a ,,unique ,,dramatic ,,form ,the playlet is a very definite thing--and yet it is difficult to define4 ,like the short-story1 painting as we know it today1 photography1 the incandescent lamp1 the telephone1 and the myriad other forms of art and mechanical conveniences1 the playlet did not spring from an inventor's mind full fledged1 but attained its present form by slow growth4 ,it is a thing of life--and life cannot be bounded by words1 lest it be buried in the tomb of a hasty definition4 ,to attempt even the most cautious of definitions without having first laid down the foundations of understanding by describing some of the near-playlet forms to be seen on many vaudeville bills would1 indeed1 be futile4 ,for perhaps the surest way of learning what a thing is1 is first to learn what it is not4 ,confusion is then less likely to creep into the conception1 and the definition comes like a satisfactory summing up of familiar points that are resolved into clear words4 ,i4 ,,near-,,dramatic ,,forms ,,which ,,preceded ,,the ,,vaudeville ,,playlet ,even in the old music hall days1 when a patron strolled in from a hard day's work and sat down to enjoy an even harder evening's entertainment1 the skit or sketch or short play which eventually drifted upon the boards--where it was seen through the mists of tobacco smoke and strong drink--was the thing4 ,the admiration the patrons had for the performers1 whom they liberally treated after the show1 did not prevent them from actively driving from the stage any offering that did not possess the required dramatic punch4 #a ,they had enjoyed the best of everything else the music hall manager could obtain for their amusement and they demanded that their bit of a play be1 also1 the very best of its kind4 #a ,it is worthy of note in this connection that many of the dramatic and particularly the comedy offerings seen in the music halls of twenty years ago1 and in the ,honkitonks of ,seattle and other ,pacific ,coast cities during the ,alaskan gold rush1 have1 expurgated1 furnished the scenarios of a score of the most successful legitimate dramas and comedies of recent years4 ,some of our greatest legitimate and vaudeville performers also came from this humble and not-to-be-boasted-of school4 ,this phase of the growth of the ,american drama has never been written4 ,it should be recorded while the memories of old timers are still fresh4 ,no matter what this form of entertainment that we now know by the name of vaudeville may be called1 the very essence of its being is variety4 ,topical songs--we call their descendants popular songs--classic ballads1 short concerts given on all sorts of instruments1 juggling1 legerdermain1 clowning1 feats of balancing1 all the departments of dancing and of acrobatic work1 musical comedy1 pantomime1 and all the other hundred-and-one things that may be turned into an amusing ten or twenty minutes1 found eager welcome on the one stage that made it1 and still makes it1 a business to present the very newest and the very best of everything4 ,to complete its claim to the title of variety1 to separate itself from a likeness to the circus1 to establish itself as blood brother of the legitimate stage1 and1 most important of all1 to satisfy the craving of its audiences for drama1 vaudeville tried many forms of the short play before the playlet was evolved to fill the want4 ,everything that bears even the remotest likeness to a play found a place and had a more or less fleeting--or lasting--popularity4 ,and not only was every form of play used1 but forms of entertainment that could not by reason of their very excellencies be made to fill the crying want1 were pressed into service and supplied with ill-fitting plots in the vain attempt4 ,musical acts1 whose chief appeal was the coaxing of musical sounds from wagon tires1 drinking glasses1 and exotic instruments1 were staged in the kitchen set4 ,and father just home from work would say1 ,come1 daughter1 let's have a tune4 ,then off they would start1 give their little entertainment1 and down would come the curtain on a picture of never-to-be-seen domestic life4 ,even today1 we sometimes see such a hybrid act4 ,slap-stick sidewalk conversation teams often would hire an author to fit them with a ready-made plot1 and1 pushed back behind the ,olio into a centre-door fancy set1 would laboriously explain why they were there1 then go through their inappropriate antics and finish with a climax that never climaxed4 ,all kinds of two-acts1 from the dancing pair to the flirtatious couple1 vainly tried to give their offerings dramatic form4 ,they did their best to make them over into little plays and still retain the individual elements that had won them success4 ,the futility of such attempts it took years to realize4 ,it was only when the stock opening1 ,i expect a new partner to call at the house today in answer to my advertisement 7which was read for a laugh7 and while ,i am waiting for him ,i might as well practice my song1 grew so wearisome that it had to be served with a special notice in many vaudeville theatres1 that these groping two-acts returned to the pure forms from which they never should have strayed4 ,but even today you sometimes see such an act--with a little less inappropriate opening--win1 because of the extreme cleverness of the performers4 ,,ii4 ,,dramatic ,,forms ,,from ,,which ,,the ,,playlet ,,evolved ,among the dramatic forms--by which ,i mean acts depending on dialogue1 plot and acting for appeal--that found more or less success in vaudeville1 were sketches and short plays 7not playlets7 using either comedy1 farce1 or dramatic plots1 and containing either burlesque or extravaganza4 ,let us take these dramatic forms in their order of widest difference from the playlet and give to each the explanatory word it deserves4 #a4 ,extravaganza ,acts ,extravaganza is anything out of rule4 ,it deals comically with the impossible and the unreal1 and serves its purpose best when it amazes most4 ,relying upon physical surprises1 as well as extravagant stage-effects1 the extravaganza act may be best explained1 perhaps1 by naming a famous example--,eight ,bells4 ,the ,byrne ,brothers took the elements of this entertainment so often into vaudeville and out of it again into road shows that it is difficult to remember where it originated4 ,the sudden appearances of the acrobatic actors and their amazing dives through seemingly solid doors and floors1 held the very essence of extravaganza4 ,uncommon nowadays even in its pure form1 the extravaganza act that tries to ape the play form is seldom if ever seen4 #b4 ,burlesque ,acts ,burlesque acts1 however1 are not uncommon today and are of two different kinds4 ,first1 there is the burlesque that is travesty1 which takes a well-known and often serious subject and hits off its famous features in ways that are uproariously funny4 ,when ,caesar ,sees ,her1 took the famous meeting between ,cleopatra and ,marc ,antony and made even the most impressive moment a scream4 #a ,and ,arthur ,denvir's ,the ,villain ,still ,pursued ,her 7,see ,appendix71 an exceptionally fine example of the travesty1 takes the well- remembered melodrama and extracts laughter from situations that once thrilled4 #a ,in musical comedy this is often done to subjects and personalities of national interest4 ,the ,ziegfeld perennial ,follies invariably have bits that are played by impersonators of the national figure of the moment4 ,sometimes in musical revues great dramatic successes are travestied1 and the invariable shouts of laughter their presentation provokes are an illuminating exemplification of the truth that between tragedy and comedy there is but a step4 ,second1 there are the acts that are constructed from bits of comedy business and depend for their success not on dialogue1 but on action4 ,merely a thread of plot holds them together and on it is strung the elemental humor of the comedy bits1 which as often as not may be slap-stick4 ,the purpose being only to amuse for the moment1 all kinds of entertainment forms may be introduced4 ,one of the most successful examples of the burlesque tab1 #b ,james ,madison's ,my ,old ,kentucky ,home 7,see ,appendix71 serves as the basic example in my treatment of this vaudeville form4 #b ,tab is short for tabloid4 ,there may be tabloid musical comedies--running forty minutes or more--as well as burlesque tabs4 #c4 ,short ,plays ,short plays1 as the name implies1 are merely plays that are short4 ,they partake of the nature of the long play and are simply short because the philosophic speeches are few and the number of scenes that have been inserted are not many4 ,the short play may have sub-plots2 it may have incidents that do not affect the main design2 its characters may be many and some may be introduced simply to achieve life-like effect2 and it usually comes to a leisurely end after the lapse of from twenty minutes to even an hour or more4 ,again like the full-evening play1 the one-act play that is merely short paints its characters in greater detail than is possible in the playlet1 where the strokes are made full and broad4 ,furthermore1 while in the playlet economy of time and attention are prime requisites1 in the short play they are not2 to take some of the incidents away from the short play might not ruin it1 but to take even one incident away from a playlet would make it incomplete4 ,for many years1 however1 the following tabloid forms of the legitimate drama were vaudeville's answer to the craving of its audiences for drama4 7a7 ,condensed ,versions1 ,big ,scenes and ,single ,acts of ,long ,plays4 ,for example--an example which proves three points in a single instance3 the need for drama in vaudeville1 vaudeville's anxiety for names1 and its willingness to pay great sums for what it wants--,joseph ,jefferson was offered by ,f4 ,f4 ,proctor1 in #aije1 the then unheard-of salary of #e1jjj a week for twelve consecutive weeks to play ,bob ,acres in a condensed version of ,the ,rivals4 ,mr4 ,jefferson was to receive this honorarium for himself alone1 ,mr4 ,proctor agreeing to furnish the condensed play1 the scenery and costumes1 and pay the salaries of the supporting cast4 ,the offer was not accepted1 but it stood as the record until ,martin ,beck paid ,sarah ,bernhardt the sum of #g1ejj a week for herself and supporting players during her famous #aiac tour of the ,orpheum ,circuit4 ,in recent years nearly every legitimate artist of national and international reputation has appeared in vaudeville in some sort of dramatic vehicle that had a memory in the legitimate4 ,but that neither a condensed play1 nor one big scene or a single act from a long play1 is not a playlet should be apparent when you remember the impression of inadequacy left on your own mind by such a vehicle1 even when a famous actor or actress has endowed it with all of his or her charm and wonderful art4 7b7 ,the ,curtain-,raiser4 ,first used to supplement or preface a short three-act play so as to eke out a full evening's entertainment1 the little play was known as either an afterpiece or a curtain-raiser2 usually1 however1 it was presented before the three-act drama1 to give those who came early their full money's worth and still permit the fashionables1 who always come late1 to be present in time to witness the important play of the evening4 ,then it was that curtain-raiser was considered a term of reproach4 ,but often in these days a curtain-raiser1 like ,sir ,james ,m4 ,barrie's ,the ,twelve ,pound ,look1 proves even more entertaining and worth while than the ambitious play it precedes4 ,that ,ethel ,barrymore took ,the ,twelve ,pound ,look into vaudeville does not prove1 however1 that the curtain-raiser and the vaudeville playlet are like forms4 ,as in the past1 the curtain-raiser of today usually is more kin to the long play than to the playlet4 ,but it is nevertheless true that in some recent curtain-raisers the compact swiftness and meaningful effect of the playlet form has become more apparent--they differ from the vaudeville playlet less in form than in legitimate feeling4 ,historically1 however1 the curtain-raiser stands in much the same position in the genealogy of the playlet that the forms discussed in the preceding section occupy4 ,as in the other short plays1 there was no sense of oneness of plot and little feeling of coming-to-the-end that mark a good playlet4 ,therefore1 since the short play could not fully satisfy the vaudeville patron's natural desire for drama1 the sketch held the vaudeville stage unchallenged until the playlet came4 #d4 ,vaudeville ,sketches ,the vaudeville sketch in the old days was almost anything you might care to name1 in dramatic form4 ,any vaudeville two-act that stepped behind the ,olio and was able to hold a bit of a plot alive amid its murdering of the ,king's ,english and its slap-stick ways1 took the name of a sketch4 ,but the proper sketch1 as the ,english would say--the child of vaudeville and elder half-brother to the playlet--did not make use of other entertainment forms4 ,it depended on dialogue1 business and acting and a more or less consistent plot or near-plot for its appeal4 ,usually a comedy--yet sometimes a melodrama--the vaudeville sketch of yesterday and of today rarely makes plot a chief element4 ,the story of a sketch usually means little in its general effect4 ,the general effect of the sketch is--general4 ,that is one of the chief differences between it and the playlet4 ,the purpose of the sketch is not to leave a single impression of a single story4 ,it points no moral1 draws no conclusion1 and sometimes it might end quite as effectively anywhere before the place in the action at which it does terminate4 ,it is built for entertainment purposes only1 and furthermore1 for entertainment purposes that end the moment the sketch ends4 ,when you see a sketch you carry away no definite impression1 save that of entertainment1 and usually you cannot remember what it was that entertained you4 ,often a sketch might be incorporated into a burlesque show or a musical comedy and serve for part of an act1 without suffering1 itself1 in effect4 #a ,and yet1 without the sketch of yesterday there would be no playlet today4 #a ,not so many years ago1 a considerable number of vaudeville sketches were used in burlesque2 and vice versa1 many sketches were produced in burlesque that afterward had successful runs in vaudeville4 ,yet they were more than successful twenty-minute bits1 taken out of burlesque shows4 ,they had a certain completeness of form which did not lose in effect by being transplanted4 7a7 ,the ,character ,sketch4 ,some sketches1 like ,tom ,nawn's ,pat and the ,geni1 and his other ,pat offerings1 so long a famous vaudeville feature1 are merely character sketches4 ,like the near-short-story character-sketch1 the vaudeville sketch often gives an admirable exposition of character1 without showing any change in the character's heart effected by the incidents of the story4 ,pat went through all sorts of funny and startling adventures when he opened the brass bottle and the ,geni came forth1 but he was the very same ,pat when he woke up and found it all a dream4 #a #a ,the ,ryan and ,richfield acts that have to do with ,haggerty and his society-climbing daughter ,mag1 may be remembered4 ,for longer than my memory runs1 ,mag ,haggerty has been trying to get her father into society1 but the ,irish brick-layer will never arrive4 ,the humor lies in ,haggerty's rich ,irishness and the funny mistakes he always makes4 ,the ,haggerty series of sketches and the ,pat series show1 perhaps better than any others1 the closeness of the character-sketch short-story that is often mistaken for the true short-story1 to the vaudeville sketch that is so often considered a playlet4 ,indeed1 the vaudeville sketch was for years the natural vehicle and artistic reward for clever actors who made a marked success in impersonating some particular character in burlesque or in the legitimate4 ,the vaudeville sketch was written around the personality of the character with which success had been won and hence was constructed to give the actor opportunity to show to the best advantage his acting in the character4 ,and in the degree that it succeeded it was and still is a success--and a valuable entertainment form for vaudeville4 7b7 ,the ,narrative ,sketch4 ,precisely as the character sketch is not a playlet1 the merely narrative sketch is not a true playlet4 ,no matter how interesting and momentarily amusing or thrilling may be the twenty-minute vaudeville offering that depends upon incident only1 it does not enlist the attention1 hold the sympathy1 or linger in the memory1 as does the playlet4 ,character revelation has little place in the narrative sketch1 a complete well-rounded plot is seldom to be found1 and a change in the relations of the characters rarely comes about4 ,the sketch does not convince the audience that it is complete in itself--rather it seems an incident taken out of the middle of a host of similar experiences4 ,it does not carry the larger conviction of reality that lies behind reality4 7#a7 ,the ,farce ,sketch4 ,nevertheless such excellent farce sketches as ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,sydney ,drew1 ,rice and ,cohen1 ,homer ,mason and ,margaret ,keeler1 and other sterling performers have presented in vaudeville1 are well worth while4 ,the fact that many of the minor incidents that occur in such finely amusing sketches as ,mason and ,keeler's ,in and ,out #a do not lend weight to the ending1 but seem introduced merely to heighten the cumulative effect of the farce-comedy1 does not prove them1 or the offering1 to be lacking in entertainment value for vaudeville4 ,rather1 the use of just such extraneous incidents makes these sketches more worth while2 but the introduction of them and the dependence upon them1 for interest1 does mark such offerings as narrative sketches rather than as true playlets4 #a ,by ,porter ,emerson ,brown1 author of ,a ,fool ,there ,was1 and other full-evening plays4 7#b7 ,the ,straight ,dramatic and ,melodramatic ,sketch4 ,in identically the same way the introduction into one-act dramas and melodramas of bits that are merely added to heighten the suspense and make the whole seem more creepy1 without having a definite--an inevitable--effect upon the ending makes and marks them as narrative dramas and melodramas and not true playlet forms4 ,from the foregoing examples we may now attempt #e4 ,a ,definition of a ,vaudeville ,sketch ,a ,vaudeville ,sketch is a simple narrative1 or a character sketch1 presented by two or more people1 requiring usually about twenty minutes to act1 having little or no definite plot1 developing no vital change in the relations of the characters1 and depending on effective incidents for its appeal1 rather than on the singleness of effect of a problem solved by character revelation and change4 ,it must be borne in mind that vaudeville is presenting today all sorts of sketches1 and that nothing in this definition is levelled against their worth4 ,all that has been attempted so far in this chapter has been to separate for you the various forms of dramatic and near-dramatic offerings to be seen in vaudeville4 ,a good sketch is decidedly worth writing4 ,and you should also remember that definitions and separations are dangerous things4 ,there are vaudeville sketches that touch in one point or two or three the peculiar requirements of the playlet and naturally1 in proportion as these approach closely the playlet form1 hair-splitting separations become nearly1 if not quite1 absurd4 ,furthermore1 when an experienced playwright sits down to write a vaudeville offering he does not consider definitions4 ,he has in his mind something very definite that he plans to produce and he produces it irrespective of definitions4 ,he is not likely to stop to inquire whether it is a sketch or a playlet4 #a ,the only classifications the professional vaudeville writer considers1 are failures and successes4 ,he defines a success by the money it brings him4 #a ,in discussing this1 ,arthur ,hopkins said3 ,when vaudeville presents a very good dramatic offering1 'playlet' is the word used to describe it4 ,if it isn't very fine1 it is called a 'sketch4' ,but today there is a force abroad in vaudeville that is making for a more artistic form of the one-act play4 ,it is the same artistic spirit that produced out of short fiction the short-story4 ,this age has been styled the age of the short-story and of vaudeville--it is1 indeed1 the age of the playlet4 ,the actor looking for a vaudeville vehicle today is not content with merely an incident that will give him the opportunity to present the character with which he has won marked success on the legitimate stage4 ,nor is he satisfied with a series of incidents1 however amusing or thrilling they may be4 ,he requires an offering that will lift his work into a more artistic sphere4 ,he desires a little play that will be remembered after the curtain has been rung down4 ,this is the sort of vehicle that he must present to win success in vaudeville for any length of time4 ,while vaudeville managers may seem content to book an act that is not of the very first rank1 because it is played by someone whose ability and whose name glosses over its defects1 they do not encourage such offerings by long contracts4 ,even with the most famous of names1 vaudeville managers--reflecting the desires of their audiences--demand acceptable playlets4 ,,iii4 ,,how ,,the ,,vaudeville ,,sketch ,,and ,,the ,,playlet ,,differ ,edgar ,allan ,woolf1 one of the day's most successful playlet writers who has won success year after year with vaudeville offerings that have been presented by some of the most famous actors of this country and of ,england1 said when ,i asked him what he considered to be the difference between the sketch and the playlet3 ,there was a time when the vaudeville sketch was moulded on lines that presented less difficulties and required less technique of the playwright than does the playlet of today4 ,the curtain generally rose on a chambermaid in above-the-ankle skirts dusting the furniture as she told in soliloquy form that her master and mistress had sent for a new butler or coachman or ,french teacher4 ,how the butler1 coachman or ,french teacher might make her happier was not disclosed4 ,then came a knock on the door1 followed by the elucidating remark of the maid1 ',ah1 this must be he now4' ,a strange man thereupon entered1 who was not permitted to say who he was till the piece was over or there would have been no piece4 ,the maid for no reason mistook him for the butler1 coachman or ,french teacher1 as the case may have been1 and the complications ensuing were made hilarious by the entrance of the maid's husband who1 of course1 brought about a comedy chase scene1 without which no 'comedietta' was complete4 ,then all characters met--hasty explanations--and 'comedy curtain4' ,today1 all these things are taboo4 ,a vaudeville audience resents having the 'protiasis' or introductory facts told them in monologue form1 as keenly as does the 'legitimate' audience4 ,here1 too1 the actor may not explain his actions by 'asides4' ,and 'mistaken identity' is a thing of the past4 ,every trivial action must be thoroughly motivated1 and the finish of the playlet1 instead of occurring upon the 'catabasis1' or general windup of the action1 must develop the most striking feature of the playlet1 so that the curtain may come down on a surprise1 or at least an event toward which the entire action has been progressing4 ,but the most important element that has developed in the playlet of today is the problem1 or theme4 ,a little comedy that provokes laughter yet means nothing1 is apt to be peddled about from week to week on the 'small time' and never secure booking in the better houses4 ,in nearly all cases where the act has been a 'riot' of laughter1 yet has failed to secure bookings1 the reason is to be found in the fact that it is devoid of a definite theme or central idea4 ,the booking managers are only too eager to secure playlets--and now ,i mean precisely the playlet--which are constructed to develop a problem1 either humorous or dramatic4 ,the technique of the playlet playwright is considered in the same way that the three-act playwright's art of construction is analyzed by the dramatic critic4 ,,iv4 ,,what ,a ,,playlet ,,is ,we have seen what the playlet is not4 ,we have considered the various dramatic and near-dramatic forms from which it differs4 ,and now1 having studied its negative qualities1 ,i may assemble its positive characteristics before we embark once more upon the troubled seas of definition4 ,the true playlet is marked by the following ten characteristics3 #a--;,a clearly motivated opening--not in soliloquy form4 #b--;,a single definite and predominating problem or theme4 #c--;,a single preeminent character4 #d--,motivated speeches4 #e--,motivated business and acting4 #f--,unity of characters4 #g--;,compression4 #h--,plot4 #i--;,a finish that develops the most striking feature into a surprise--or is an event toward which every speech and every action has been progressing4 #aj--,unity of impression #a #a ,see page #cj1 ,writing the ,short-,story1 by ,j4 ,berg ,esenwein1 published in ,the ,writer's ,library1 uniform with this volume4 ,note the seven characteristics of the short-story and compare them with the playlet's ten characteristics4 ,you will find a surprising similarity between the short-story and the playlet in some points of structure4 ,a study of both in relation to each other may give you a clearer understanding of each4 ,each of these characteristics has already been discussed in our consideration of the dramatic forms--either in its negative or positive quality--or will later be taken up at length in its proper place4 ,therefore1 we may hazard in the following words ,a ,definition of a ,playlet ,a ,playlet is a stage narrative taking usually about twenty minutes to act1 having a single chief character1 and a single problem which predominates1 and is developed by means of a plot so compressed and so organized that every speech and every action of the characters move it forward to a finish which presents the most striking features2 while the whole is so organized as to produce a single impression4 ,you may haunt the vaudeville theatres in a vain search for a playlet that will embody all of these characteristics in one perfect example4 #a ,but the fact that a few playlets are absolutely perfect technically is no reason why the others should be condemned4 ,remember that precise conformity to the rules here laid down is merely academic perfection1 and that the final worth of a playlet depends not upon adherence to any one rule1 or all--save as they point the way to success--but upon how the playlet as a whole succeeds with the audience4 #a ,study the playlet examples in the ,appendix and note how closely each approaches technical perfection4 ,yet there will be found still fewer dramatic offerings in vaudeville that do not conform to some of these principles4 ,such near-playlets succeed not because they evade the type1 but mysteriously in spite of their mistakes4 ,and as they conform more closely to the standards of what a playlet should be1 they approach the elements that make for lasting success4 ,but beyond these rules--if rules there really are--and far above them in the heights no rules can reach1 lies that something which cannot be defined1 which breathes the breath of life into words and actions that bring laughter and tears4 ,rules cannot build the bridge from your heart to the hearts of your audiences4 ,science stands abashed and helpless before the task4 ,all that rules can suggest1 all that science can point out--is the way others have built their bridges ,for this purpose only1 are these standards of any value to you4 ,,chapter ,,xi ,,kinds ,,of ,,playlet ,the kind of playlet is largely determined by its characters and their surroundings1 and on these there are practically no limits4 ,you may have characters of any nationality2 you may treat them reverently1 or--save that you must never offend--you may make them as funny as you desire2 you may give them any profession that suits your purpose2 you may place them in any sort of house or on the open hills or in an air-ship high in the sky2 you may show them in any country of the earth or on the moon or in the seas under the earth--you may do anything you like with them4 ,vaudeville wants everything--everything so long as it is well and strikingly done4 ,therefore1 to attempt to list the many different kinds of playlet to be seen upon the vaudeville stage would1 indeed1 be a task as fraught with hazard as to try to classify minutely the divers kinds of men seen upon the stage of life4 ,and of just as little practical value would it be to have tables showing the scores of superficial variations of character1 nationality1 time and place which the years have woven into the playlets of the past4 ,in the art of the playlet there are1 to be sure1 the same three schools--more or less unconsciously followed in nearly every vaudeville instance--which are to be found in the novel1 the short-story1 painting1 and the full-length play4 ,these are1 of course1 realism1 romance1 and idealism4 #a ,these distinctions1 however1 are--in vaudeville--merely distinctions without being valuable differences4 ,you need never give thought as to the school to which you are paying allegiance in your playlet2 your work will probably be neither better nor worse for this knowledge or its lack4 ,your playlet must stand on its own legs1 and succeed or fail by the test of interest4 ,make your playlet grip1 that is the thing4 #a ,should you wish to dally with the mooted question of the difference between realism and romanticism--in the perplexing mazes of which many a fine little talent has been snuffed out like a flickering taper in a gust of wind--there are a score or more volumes that you will find in any large library1 in which the whole matter is thrashed out unsatisfactorily4 ,however1 if you wish to spend a half-hour profitably and pleasantly1 read ,robert ,louis ,stevenson's short chapter1 ,a ,note on ,realism1 to be found in his suggestive and all-too-few papers on ,the ,art of ,writing4 ,in the collection of his essays entitled ,memories and ,portraits will be found an equally delightful and valuable paper1 ,a ,gossip on ,romance4 ,a brief technical discussion will also be found in ,writing the ,short-,story1 by ,j4 ,berg ,esenwein1 pp4 #fd-fg4 ,but do not confuse the word romance1 as it is used in the preceding paragraph1 with love4 ,love is an emotional1 not a technical element1 and consorts equally well with either romance or realism in writing4 ,love might be the heading of one of those tables we have agreed not to bother with4 ,into everything that is written for vaudeville love may stray4 ,or it may not intrude1 if your purpose demands that love stay out4 ,yet1 like the world1 what would vaudeville be1 if love were left out8 ,and now we come to those broad types of playlet which you should recognize instinctively4 ,unless you do so recognize them--and the varying half-grounds that lie between1 where they meet and mingle quite as often as they appear in their pure forms--you will have but little success in writing the playlet4 ,in considering the broad types of playlet you should remember that words are said to denote definitely the ideas they delineate1 and to connote the thoughts and emotions they do not clearly express but arouse in the hearer or reader4 ,for example1 what do farce1 comedy1 tragedy and melodrama connote to you8 ,what emotions do they suggest8 ,this is an important matter1 because all great artistic types are more or less fully associated with a mood1 a feeling1 an atmosphere4 ,webster's dictionary gives to them the following denotations1 or definitions3 ,farce3 ,a dramatic composition1 written without regularity1 and differing from comedy chiefly in the grotesqueness1 extravagance and improbability of its characters and incidents2 low comedy4 ,arthur ,denvir's ,the ,villain ,still ,pursued ,her is one of the best examples of the travesty vaudeville has produced4 #a ,james ,madison's ,my ,old ,kentucky ,home is a particularly fine example of burlesque in tabloid form4 #a ,these two acts have been chosen to show the difference between two of the schools of farce4 #a ,see ,appendix4 ,comedy3 ,a dramatic composition or representation1 designed for public amusement and usually based upon laughable incidents1 or the follies or foibles of individuals or classes2 a form of the drama in which humor and mirth predominate1 and the plot of which usually ends happily2 the opposite of tragedy4 ,edgar ,allan ,woolf's ,the ,lollard is an exceptionally good example of satirical comedy4 #a ,tragedy3 ,a dramatic composition1 representing an important event or a series of events in the life of some person or persons in which the diction is elevated1 the movement solemn and stately1 and the catastrophe sad2 a kind of drama of a lofty or mournful cast1 dealing with the dark side of life and character4 ,richard ,harding ,davis's ,blackmail is a notable example of tragedy4 #a #a ,see ,appendix4 ,melodrama3 ,a romantic connoting love play1 generally of a serious character1 in which effect is sought by startling incidents1 striking situations1 exaggerated sentiment and thrilling denouement1 aided by elaborate stage effects4 ,the more thrilling passages are sometimes accentuated by musical accompaniments1 the only surviving relic of the original musical character of the melodrama4 ,taylor ,granville's ,the ,system is one of the finest examples of pure melodrama seen in vaudeville4 #b #b ,written by ,taylor ,granville1 ,junie ,mac,cree and ,edward ,clark2 see ,appendix4 ,there are1 of course1 certain other divisions into which these four basic kinds of playlet--as well as the full-length play--may be separated1 but they are more or less false forms4 ,however1 four are worthy of particular mention3 ,the ,society ,drama3 ,the form of drama in which a present-day story is told1 and the language1 dress and manners of the actors are those of polite modern society4 #a ,you will see how superficial the distinction is1 when you realize that the plot may be farcical1 comic1 tragic or melodramatic4 #a ,as the dramas of the legitimate stage are more often remembered by name than are vaudeville acts1 ,i will mention as example of the society drama ,clyde ,fitch's ,the ,climbers4 ,this fine satire skirted the edge of tragedy4 ,the same is true of ,the ,problem ,drama3 ,the form of drama dealing with life's problems--of sex1 business1 or what not4 #b #b ,ibsen's ,ghosts2 indeed1 nearly every one of the problem master's plays offer themselves as examples of the problem type4 ,and the same is likewise true of ,the ,pastoral-,rural ,drama3 ,the form of drama dealing with rustic life4 #c #c ,the long play ,way ,down ,east is a fine example of the pastoral--or rural--drama of ,american life4 ,and also of ,the ,detective ,drama3 #d ,the form of drama dealing with the detection of crime and the apprehension of the criminal4 ,i cannot recollect a detective playlet--or three-act play1 for that matter--that is not melodramatic4 ,when the action is not purely melodramatic1 the lines and the feeling usually thrill with melodrama4 #e ,the ,system1 which is a playlet dealing with the detection of detectives1 is but one example in point4 #d ,mr4 ,charlton ,andrews makes a series of interesting and helpful discriminations among the several dramatic forms1 in his work ,the ,technique of ,play ,writing1 published uniform with this volume in ,the ,writer's ,library4 #e ,sherlock ,holmes1 ,william ,gillette's masterly dramatization of ,sir ,arthur ,conan ,doyle's famous detective stories1 is melodramatic even when the action is most restrained4 ,here1 then1 we have the four great kinds of playlet1 and four out of the many variations that often seem to the casual glance to possess elemental individuality4 ,remember that this chapter is merely one of definitions and that a definition is a description of something given to it after--not before--it is finished4 ,a definition is a tag1 like the label the entomologist ties to the pin after he has the butterfly nicely dead4 ,of questionable profit it would be to you1 struggling to waken your playlet into life1 to worry about a definition that might read ,here ,lies a ,polite ,comedy4 ,professor ,baker says that the tragedies of ,shakespere may have seemed to the audiences of their own day not tragedies at all1 but merely more masterly specimens of dramatic story-telling than the things that preceded them4 #a ,if ,shakespere did not worry about the precise labels of the plays he was busy writing and producing1 you and ,i need not4 ,forget definitions--forget everything but your playlet and the grip1 the thrill1 the punch1 the laughter of your plot4 #a ,development of ,shakespere as a ,dramatist1 by ,prof4 ,baker of ,harvard ,university4 ,to sum up3 ,the limits of the playlet are narrow1 its requirements are exacting1 but within those limits and those requirements you may picture anything you possess the power to present4 ,pick out from life some incident1 character1 temperament--whatever you will--and flash upon it the glare of the vaudeville spot-light2 breathe into it the breath of life2 show its every aspect and effect2 dissect away the needless2 vivify the series of actions you have chosen for your brief and trenchant crisis2 lift it all with laughter or touch it all with tears4 ,like a searchlight your playlet must flash over the landscape of human hearts and rest upon some phase of passion1 some momentous incident1 and make it stand out clear and real from the darkness of doubt that surrounds it4 ,,chapter ,,xii ,,how ,,playlets ,,are ,,germinated ,where does a playlet writer get his idea8 ,how does he recognize a playlet idea when it presents itself to him8 ,how much of the playlet is achieved when he hits on the idea8 ,these questions are asked successful playlet writers every day1 but before we proceed to find their answers1 we must have a paragraph or two of definition4 ,i4 ,,the ,,theme-,,problem ,,and ,,its ,,range ,whenever the word problem is used--as1 the problem of a playlet--,i do not mean it in the sense that one gathers when he hears the words problem play2 nothing whatever of sex or the other problems of the day is meant4 ,what ,i mean is grasped at first glance better1 perhaps1 by the word theme4 ,yet theme does not convey the precise thought ,i wish to associate with the idea4 ,a theme is a subject--that much ,i wish to convey--but ,i choose problem because ,i wish to connote the fact that the theme of a playlet is more than a subject3 it is precisely what a problem in mathematics is4 ,given a problem in geometry1 you must solve it--from its first statement all the way through to the ,q4,e4,d4 ,each step must bear a plain and logical relation to that which went before and what follows4 ,your playlet theme is your problem1 and you must choose for a theme or subject only such a problem as can be proved conclusively within the limits of a playlet4 ,naturally1 you are inclined to inquire as a premise to the questions that open this chapter1 ,what are the themes or subjects that offer themselves as best suited to playlet requirements8 ,in other words1 what make the best playlet problems8 ,here are a few that present themselves from memory of playlets that have achieved exceptional success3 ,a father may object to his son's marrying anyone other than the girl whom he has chosen for him1 but be won over by a little baby--,dinkelspiel's ,christmas1 by ,george ,v4 ,hobart4 ,a slightly intoxicated young man may get into the wrong house by mistake and come through all his adventures triumphantly to remain a welcome guest--,in and ,out1 by ,porter ,emerson ,brown4 ,a crooked policeman may build up a system1 but the honest policemen will hunt him down1 even letting the lesser criminal escape to catch the greater--,the ,system1 by ,taylor ,granville1 ,junie ,mac,cree and ,edward ,clark4 ,youth that lies in the mind and not in the body or dress may make a grandmother act and seem younger than her granddaughter--,youth1 by ,edgar ,allan ,woolf4 ,a foolish young woman may leave her husband because she has found him out1 yet return to him again when she discovers that another man is no better than he is--,the ,lollard1 by ,edgar ,allan ,woolf4 ,a man may do away with another1 but escape the penalty because of the flawless method of the killing--,blackmail1 by ,richard ,harding ,davis4 ,a wide range of themes is shown in even these few playlets1 isn't there8 ,yet the actual range of themes from which playlet problems may be chosen is not even suggested4 ,though ,i stated the problems of all the playlets that were ever presented in vaudeville1 the field of playlet-problem possibilities would not be even adequately suggested4 ,anything1 everything1 presents itself for a playlet problem--if you can make it human1 interesting and alive4 ,what interests men and women8 ,everything1 you answer4 ,whatever interests you and your family1 and your neighbor and his family1 and the man across the street and his wife's folks back home--is a subject for a playlet4 ,whatever causes you to stop and think1 to laugh or cry1 is a playlet problem4 ,art is life seen through a personality1 is as true of the playlet as of any other art form4 ,because some certain subject or theme has never been treated in a playlet1 does not mean that it cannot be4 ,it simply means that that particular subject has never yet appealed to a man able to present it successfully4 ,vaudeville is hungering for writers able to make gripping playlets out of themes that never have been treated well4 ,to such it offers its largest rewards4 ,what do you know better than anyone else--what do you feel keener than anyone else does--what can you present better than anyone else8 ,that is the subject you should choose for your playlet problem4 ,and so you see that a playlet problem is not merely just an idea2 it is a subject that appeals to a writer as offering itself with peculiar credentials--as the theme that he should select4 ,it is anything at all--anything that you can make your own by your mastery of its every angle4 #a4 ,what ,themes to ,avoid 7a7 ,unfamiliar ,themes4 ,if a subject of which you have not a familiar knowledge presents itself to you1 reject it4 ,imagine how a producer1 the actors and an audience--if they let the thing go that far--would laugh at a playlet whose premises were false and whose incidents were silly1 because untrue4 ,never give anyone an opportunity to look up from a manuscript of yours and grin1 as he says3 ,this person's a fool2 he doesn't know what he's writing about4 7b7 ,cause ,themes4 ,although more powerful than the stump or the pulpit today1 and but little less forceful than the newspaper as a means of exposing intolerable conditions and ushering in new and better knowledge1 the stage is not the place for propaganda4 ,the public goes to the theatre to be entertained1 not instructed--particularly is this true of vaudeville--and the writer daring enough to attempt to administer even homeopathic doses of instruction1 must be a master-hand to win4 ,once in a generation a ,shaw may rise1 who1 by a twist of his pen1 can make the public think1 while he wears a guileful smile as he propounds philosophy from under a jester's cap2 but even then his plays must be edited--as some of ,shaw's are--of all but the most dramatic of his belligerently impudent notions4 ,if you have a religious belief1 a political creed1 a racial propagandum--in short1 a cause--either to defend or to forward1 don't write it in a drama4 ,the legitimate stage might be induced to present it1 if someone were willing to pay the theatre's losses1 but vaudeville does not want it4 ,choose any form of presentation--a newspaper article1 a magazine story1 anything at all--save a playlet for polemic or cause themes4 7c7 ,hackneyed ,themes4 ,what has been done to death in vaudeville8 ,you know as well as the most experienced playlet-writer1 if you will only give the subject unbiased thought4 ,what are the things that make you squirm in your seat and the man next you reach for his hat and go out8 ,a list would fill a page1 but there are two that should be mentioned because so many playlets built upon them are now being offered to producers without any hope of acceptance4 ,there is the mistaken identity theme1 in which the entire action hinges on one character's mistaking another for someone else--one word spoken in time would make the entire action needless1 but the word is never spoken--or there would be no playlet4 ,and the henpecked husband1 or the mistreated wife1 who gets back at the final curtain1 is a second4 ,twenty years hence either one of these may be the theme of the scream of the season1 for stage fashions change like women's styles1 but1 if you wish your playlet produced today1 don't employ them4 7d7 ,improper ,themes4 ,any theme that would bring a blush to the cheek of your sister1 of your wife1 of your daughter1 you must avoid4 ,no matter how pure your motive might be in making use of such a theme1 resolutely deny it when it presents itself to you4 ,the fact that the young society girl who offered me a playlet based on1 to her1 an amazing experience down at the ,women's ,night ,court--where she saw the women of the streets brought before the judge and their men paying the fines--was a clean-minded1 big-hearted girl anxious to help better conditions1 did not make her theme any cleaner or her playlet any better4 ,of course1 ,i do not mean that you must ignore such conditions when your playlet calls for the use of such characters4 ,i mean that you should not base your playlet entirely on such themes--you should never make such a theme the chief reason of your playlet's being4 #b4 ,what ,themes to ,use ,you may treat any subject or play upon any theme1 whatsoever it may be1 provided it is not a cause1 is not hackneyed1 is not improper for its own sake and likely to bring a blush to the cheeks of those you love1 is familiar to you in its every angle1 and is a subject that forms a problem which can be proved conclusively within the requirements of a playlet4 ,,ii4 ,,where ,,playlet ,,writers ,,get ,,their ,,ideas #a4 ,the ,three ,forms of ,dramatic ,treatment ,it is generally accepted by students of the novel and the short-story that there are three ways of constructing a narrative3 7a7 ,characters may be fitted with a story4 7b7 ,a sequence of events may be fitted with characters4 7c7 ,an interesting atmosphere may be expressed by characters and a sequence of events4 ,in other words1 a narrative may be told by making either the characters or the events or the atmosphere peculiarly and particularly prominent4 ,it should be obvious that the special character of vaudeville makes the last-named--the story of atmosphere--the least effective2 indeed1 as drama is action--by which ,i mean a clash of wills and the outcome--no audience would be likely to sit through even twenty minutes of something which1 after all1 merely results in a feeling4 ,therefore the very nature of the pure story of atmosphere eliminates it from the stage2 next in weakness of effect is the story of character2 while the strongest--blood of its blood and bone of its bone--is the story of dramatic events4 ,this is for what the stage is made and by which it lives4 ,to be sure1 character and atmosphere both have their places in the play of dramatic action1 but for vaudeville those places must be subordinate4 ,these last two ways of constructing a story will be taken up and discussed in detail later on1 in their proper order2 they are mentioned here to help make clear how a playwright gets an idea4 #b4 ,themes to fit ,certain ,players ,it is not at all uncommon for a playlet writer to be asked to fit some legitimate star1 about to enter vaudeville1 with a playlet that shall have for its hero or its heroine the particular character in which the star has had marked success4 #a ,and often a man and wife who have achieved a reputation in vaudeville together will order a new playlet that shall have characters modeled on the lines of those in the old playlet4 ,or1 indeed1 as ,i have know in many instances1 three performers will order a playlet in which there must be characters to fit them all4 ,when a writer receives such an order it would seem that at least a part of his task is already done for him2 but this is not the case1 he still must seek that most important things--a story4 #a ,in precisely the same way writers of the full-evening play for the legitimate stage are forever fashioning vehicles for famous stars4 ,the fact that the chief consideration is the star and that the play is considered merely as a vehicle is one of the reasons why our plays are not always of the best4 ,where you consider a personality greater than a story1 the story is likely to suffer4 ,can you name more than one or two recent plays so fashioned that have won more than a season's run8 #c4 ,themes ,born in the ,mind of the ,writer ,the beginner1 fortunately1 is not brought face to face with this problem2 he is foot-free to wander wherever his fancy leads4 ,and yet he may find in his thoughts a character or two who beg to serve him so earnestly that he cannot deny them4 ,so he takes them1 knowing them so well that he is sure he can make them live--and he constructs a story around them4 ,or there may first pop into his mind a story in its entirety1 full fledged1 with beginning1 middle and ending--that is2 thoroughly motivated in every part and equipped with characters that live and breathe4 ,unhappily this most fortunate of occurrences usually happens only in the middle of the night1 when one must wake up next morning and sadly realize it was but a dream4 #d4 ,the ,newspaper as a ,source of ,ideas4 ,a playwright1 let us say1 reads in the newspapers of some striking characters1 or of an event that appeals to him as funny or as having a deep dramatic import4 ,there may be only a few bald lines telling the news4 features of the story in one sentence1 or there may be an entire column1 discussing the case from every angle4 ,whatever it is1 the bit of news appeals to him1 and maybe of all men to him only1 so he starts thinking about the possibilities it offers for a playlet4 #e4 ,happenings of which the ,playwright is ,told or ,which ,occur under his ,notice ,some striking incident rises out of the life about the playwright and he sees it or hears about it1 and straightway comes the thought3 ,this is a playlet idea4 ,a large number of playlets have been germinated so4 #f4 ,experiences that ,happen to the ,playwright ,some personal experience which wakens in the mind of the playwright the thought1 ,here's something that'll make a good playlet1 is one of the fruitful sources of playlet-germs4 ,but however the germ idea comes to him--whether as a complete story1 or merely as one striking incident1 or just a situation that recommends itself to him as worth while fitting with a story--he begins by turning it over in his mind and casting it into dramatic form4 ,,iii4 ,a ,,supposititious ,,example ,,of ,,germ-,,development ,for the purpose of illustration1 let us suppose that ,taylor ,granville1 who conceived the idea of ,the ,system1 had read in the ,new ,york newspapers about the ,becker case and the startling expose of the alleged police system that grew out of the ,rosenthal murder1 here is how his mind1 trained to vaudeville and dramatic conventions1 might have evolved that excellent melodramatic playleet4 #a #a ,as a matter of fact1 ,mr4 ,granville had the first draft of the playlet in his trunk many months before the ,rosenthal murder occurred1 and ,mr4 ,mac,cree and ,mr4 ,clark were helping him with the final revisions when the fatal shot was fired4 ,in this connection it should be emphasized that the ,becker case did not make ,the ,system a great playlet2 the investigation of the ,new ,york ,police ,department only gave it the added attraction of timeliness and1 therefore1 drew particular attention to it4 ,dozens of other playlets and many long plays that followed ,the ,system on the wave of the same timely interest failed4 ,precisely as ,within the ,law1 ,bayard ,veiller's great play1 so successful for the ,selwyn ,company1 was given a striking timeliness by the ,rosenthal murder1 ,the ,system reaped merely the brimming harvest of lucky accident4 ,and like ,within the ,law1 this great playlet would be as successful today as it was then--because it is big in itself4 end footnote ,the incidents of the ,becker ,case were these3 ,herman ,rosenthal1 a gambler of notorious reputation1 one day went to ,district ,attorney ,whitman with the story that he was being hounded by the police--at the command of a certain ,police ,lieutenant4 ,rosenthal asserted that he had a story to tell which would shake up the ,new ,york ,police ,department4 ,he was about to be called to testify to his alleged story when he was shot to death in front of the ,metropole ,hotel on ,forty-third ,street and the murderer or murderers escaped in an automobile4 ,several notorious underworld characters were arrested1 charged with complicity in the murder1 and some1 in the hope1 it has been said1 of receiving immunity1 confessed and implicated ,police ,lieutenant ,becker1 who was arrested on the charge of being the instigator of the crime4 #a ,these are the bare facts as every newspaper in ,new ,york ,city told them in glaring headlines at the time4 ,merely as incidents of a striking story1 ,mr4 ,granville would1 it is likely1 have turned them over in his mind with these thoughts3 #a ,becker's subsequent trial1 conviction1 sentence to death and execution occurred many months later and could not have entered into the playwright's material1 therefore they are not recounted here4 ,if ,i take these incidents as they stand1 ,i'll have a grewsome ending that'll 'go great' for a while--if the authorities let me play it--and then the playlet will die with the waning interest4 ,there isn't much that's dramatic in a gambler shown in the ,district ,attorney's ,office planning to 'squeal1' and then getting shot for it1 even though the police in the playlet were made to instigate the murder4 ,it'd make a great 'movie1' perhaps1 but there isn't enough time in vaudeville to go through all the motions3 ,i've got to recast it into drama4 ,i must 'forget' the bloody ending1 too--it may be great drama1 but it isn't good vaudeville4 ,the two-a-day wants the happy ending1 if it can get it4 ,and even if the ,becker story's true in every detail1 ,rosenthal isn't a character with whom vaudeville can sympathize--,i'll have to get a lesser offender1 to win sympathy--a 'dip's' about right-- ',the ,eel4' ,there isn't any love-interest1 either--where's the girl that sticks to him through thick and thin8 ,i'll add his sweetheart1 ,goldie4 ,and ,i'll give ,the ,eel more sympathy by making ,dugan's motive the attempt to win her4 ,then there's got to be the square ,copper--the public knows that the ,police force is fundamentally honest--so the ,department has got to clean itself up1 in my playlet2 fine1 there's ,mc,carthy1 the honest ,inspector4 ,here we have a little more1 perhaps1 than a bare germ idea1 but it is probably the sort of thing that came into ,mr4 ,granville's mind with the very first thought of ,the ,system4 ,even more might have come during the first consideration of his new playlet1 and--as we are dealing now not with a germ idea only but primarily with how a playwright's mind works--let us follow his supposititious reasoning further3 ,all right2 now1 there's got to be an incident that'll give ,dugan his chance to 'railroad' ,the ,eel1 and a money-society turn is always good1 so we have ,mrs4 ,worthington and the necklace1 with ,goldie1 the suspected maid1 who casts suspicion on ,the ,eel4 ,dugan 'plants' it all1 gets the necklace himself1 tries to lay it to ,the ,eel1 and win ,goldie besides--but a dictograph shows him up4 ,now a man-to-man struggle between ,dugan and ,the ,eel for good old melodrama4 ,the ,eel is losing1 in comes the ,inspector and saves him--,dugan caught--triumph of the honest police--and ,goldie and ,the ,eel free to start life anew together4 ,that's about it--for a starter1 anyway4 ,re-read these dramatic incidents carefully1 compare them with the incidents of the suggestive case as the newspapers reported them1 and you will see not only where a playwright may get a germ idea1 but how his mind works in casting it into stage form4 ,the first thing that strikes you is the dissimilarity of the two stories2 the second1 the greater dramatic effectiveness of the plot the playlet-writer's mind has evolved2 third1 that needless incidents have been cut away2 fourth1 that the very premise of the story1 and all the succeeding incidents1 lead you to recognize them in the light of the denouement as the logical first step and succeeding steps of which the final scene is inevitably the last2 fifth1 however many doubts may hover around the story of the suggesting incident1 there is no cloud of doubt about the perfect justice of the stage story2 and1 sixth1 that while you greet the ending of the suggesting story with a feeling of repugnance1 the final scene of the stage story makes the whole clearly1 happily and pleasantly true--truer than life itself1 to human hearts which forever aspire after what we sometimes sadly call poetic justice4 ,now1 in a few short paragraphs1 we may sum up the answer to the question which opens this chapter1 and answer the other two questions as well4 ,a playlet writer may get the germ of a playlet idea3 from half-ideas suggested by the necessity of fitting certain players2 directly from his own imagination2 from the newspapers2 from what someone tells him1 or from his observation of incidents that come under his personal notice2 from experiences that happen to him--in fact1 from anywhere4 ,,iv4 ,,how ,a ,,playlet ,,writer ,,recognizes ,a ,,playlet ,,idea ,a playlet writer recognizes that the character or characters1 the incident or incidents1 possess a funny1 serious or tragic grip1 and the fact that he1 himself1 is gripped1 is evidence that a playlet is there1 if--,,if--he can trust his own dramatic instinct4 ,a playlet writer recognizes an idea as a playlet idea1 because he is able so to recognize such an idea2 there is no escape from this3 ,,you ,,must ,,possess ,,dramatic ,,instinct #a to recognize playlet ideas and write playlets4 #a ,see the following chapter on ,the ,dramatic--the ,vital ,element of ,plot4 ,v4 ,,how ,,much ,,of ,,the ,,playlet ,,is ,,achieved ,,with ,,the ,,idea ,no two persons in this world act alike1 and certainly no two persons think alike4 ,how much of a playlet is achieved when the germ idea is found and recognized1 depends somewhat upon the idea--whether it is of characters that must be fitted with a story1 a series of incidents1 or one incident only--but more upon the writer4 ,i have known playlets which were the results of ideas that originated in the concepts of clever final situations1 the last two minutes of the playlet serving as the incentive to the construction of the story that led inevitably up to the climax4 ,i have also known playlets whose big scenes were the original ideas--the opening and finish being fitted to them4 ,one or two writers have told me of playlets which came almost entirely organized and motivated into their minds with the first appearance of the germ idea4 ,and others have told me of the hours of careful thinking through which they saw1 in divers half-purposes of doubt1 the action and the characters emerge into a definite1 purposeful whole4 ,what one writer considers a full-fledged germ idea1 may be to another but the first faint evidence that an idea may possibly be there4 ,the skilled playlet-writer will certainly grasp a germ idea1 and appraise its worth quicker than the novice can4 ,in the eager acceptance of half-formed ideas that speciously glitter1 lies the pitfall which entraps many a beginner4 ,therefore1 engrave on the tablets of your resolution this determination and single standard3 ,never accept a subject as a germ idea and begin to write a playlet until you have turned its theme over in your mind a sufficient length of time to establish its worth beyond question4 ,consider it from every angle in the light of the suggestions in this chapter1 and make its characters and its action as familiar to you as is the location of every article in your own room4 ,then1 when your instinct for the dramatic tells you there is no doubt that here is the germ idea of a playlet1 state it in one short sentence1 and consider that statement as a problem that must be solved logically1 clearly and conclusively1 within the requirements of the playlet form4 ,with the germ idea the entire playlet may flood into the writer's mind1 or come in little waves that rise continually1 like the ever advancing tide1 to the flood that touches high-water mark4 ,but1 however complete the germ idea may be1 it depends upon the writer alone whether he struggles like a novice to keep his dramatic head above water1 or strikes out with the bold1 free strokes of the practised swimmer4 ,,chapter ,,xiii ,,the ,,dramatic--,,the ,,vital ,,element ,,of ,,plot ,what the dramatic is--no matter whether it be serious or comic in tone--requires some consideration in a volume such as this1 even though but a brief discussion is possible and only a line of thought may be pointed out4 ,this discussion is placed here in the sequence of chapters1 because it first begins to trouble the novice after he has accepted his germ idea1 and before he has succeeded in casting it into a stage story4 ,indeed1 at that moment even the most self-sure becomes conscious of the demands of the dramatic4 ,yet this chapter will be found to overlap some that precede it and some that follow--particularly the chapter on plot structure1 of which this discussion may be considered an integral part--as is the case in every attempt to put into formal words1 principles separate in theory1 but inseparable in application4 ,in the previous chapter1 the conscious thought that precedes even the acceptance of a germ idea was insisted on--it was played up1 as the stage phrase terms a scene in which the emotional key is pitched high--with the purpose of forcing upon your attention the prime necessity of thinking out--not yet writing--the playlet4 ,emphasis was also laid on the necessity for the possession of dramatic instinct--a gift far different from the ability to think--by anyone who would win success in writing this most difficult of dramatic forms4 ,but now ,i wish to lay an added stress--to pitch even higher the key of emphasis--on one fundamental1 this vital necessity3 ,anyone who would write a playlet must possess in himself1 as an instinct--something that cannot be taught and cannot be acquired--the ability to recognize and grasp the dramatic4 ,no matter if you master the technic by which the great dramatists have built their plays1 you cannot achieve success in writing the playlet if you do not possess an innate sense of what is dramatic4 ,for1 just as a man who is tone-deaf #a might produce musical manuscripts which while technically faultless would play inharmoniously1 so the man who is drama-blind might produce perfect playlet manuscripts that would play in dramatic discords4 #a ,not organically defective1 as were the ears of the great composer1 ,beethoven1 but tone-deaf1 as a person may be color-blind4 #a4 ,what ,dramatic ,instinct ,is ,when you witness a really thrilling scene in a play you find yourself sitting on the edge of your seat2 you clench your hands until the nails sink into your flesh2 tears roll down your cheeks at other scenes1 until you are ashamed of your emotion and wipe them furtively away2 and you laugh uproariously at still other scenes4 ,but your quickened heart-beats1 your tears1 and your laughter are1 however1 no evidence that you possess dramatic instinct--they are a tribute to the possession of that gift in the person who wrote the play4 ,so do not confuse appreciation--the ultimate result of another's gift--with the ability to create3 they are two very different things4 ,no more does comprehension of a dramatist's methods--a sort of detached and often cold appreciation--indicate the possession of gifts other than those of the critic4 ,dramatic instinct is the ability to see the dramatic moments in real life2 to grasp the dramatic possibilities2 to pick out the thrills1 the tears and the laughter1 and to lift these out from the mass and set them--combined1 coherent and convincing--in a story that seems truer than life itself1 when unfolded on the stage by characters who are more real than reality4 #a #a ,arniel in his ,journal says3 ,the ideal1 after all1 is truer than the real2 for the ideal is the eternal element in perishable things2 it is their type1 their sum1 their 'raison d'etre1' their formula in the book of the ,creator1 and therefore at once the most exact and the most condensed expression of them4 ,elizabeth ,woodbridge in her volume1 ,the ,drama1 says3 ,it is in finding the mean between personal narrowness which is too selective1 and photographic impersonality that is not selective at all1 that the individuality of the artist1 his training1 and his ideals1 are tested4 ,it is this that determines how much his work shall possess of what we may call poetic1 or artistic1 truth4 end footnote ,yet1 true as it is that dramatic ability inevitably shines through finished drama when it is well played upon the stage1 there are so many determining factors of pleasing theme1 acting1 production and even of audience--and so many little false steps both in manuscript and presentation2 which might be counted unfortunate accident--that the failure of a play is not always a sure sign that the playwright lacks dramatic instinct4 ,if it were1 hardly one of our successful dramatists of today would have had the heart to persevere--for some wrote twenty full-evening plays before one was accepted by a manager1 and then plodded through one or more stage failures before they were rewarded with final success4 ,if producing managers could unerringly tell who has dramatic instinct highly developed and who has it not at all1 there would be few play failures and the show-business would cease to be a gamble that surpasses even horse-racing for hazard4 ,not only is it impossible for anyone to weigh the quantity or to assay the quality of dramatic instinct--whether in his own or another's breast--but it is as nearly impossible for anyone to decide from reading a manuscript whether a play will succeed or fail4 ,charles ,frohman is reported to have said3 ,a man who could pick out winners would be worth a salary of a million dollars a year4 ,and even when a play is put into rehearsal the most experienced men in the business cannot tell unerringly whether it will succeed or fail before an audience4 ,an audience--the heart of the crowd1 the intellect of the mass1 whatever you wish to call it--is at once the jury that tries a play and the judge who pronounces sentence to speedy death or a long and happy life4 ,it is an audience1 the crowd1 that awards the certificate of possession of dramatic instinct4 #a #a four paragraphs3 ,from three of the ablest critics of the theatre crowd ,i quote a tabloid statement3 ,the theatre is a function of the crowd1 says ,brander ,matthews1 and the work of the dramatist is conditioned by the audience to which he meant to present it4 ,in the main1 this influence is wholesome1 for it tends to bring about a dealing with themes of universal interest4 ,to some extent1 it may be limiting and even harmful--but to what extent we cannot yet determine in our present ignorance of that psychology of the crowd which ,le,bon has analyzed so interestingly4 ,here is ,m4 ,le,bon's doctrine neatly condensed by ,clayton ,hamilton3 ,the mental qualities in which men differ from one another are the acquired qualities of intellect and character2 but the qualities in which they are one are basic passions of the race4 ,a crowd1 therefore1 is less intellectual and more emotional than the individuals that compose it4 ,it is less reasonable1 less judicious1 less disinterested1 more credulous1 more primitive1 more partisan2 and hence1 a man1 by the mere fact that he forms a part of an organized crowd1 descends several rungs on the ladder of civilization4 ,even the most cultured and intellectual of men1 when he forms an atom of a crowd1 loses consciousness of his acquired mental qualities1 and harks back to his primal nakedness of mind4 ,the dramatist1 therefore1 because he writes for the crowd1 writes for an uncivilized and uncultivated mind1 a mind richly human1 vehement in approbation1 violent in disapproval1 easily credulous1 eagerly enthusiastic1 boyishly heroic1 and carelessly thinking4 ,and ,clayton ,hamilton himself adds that1 4 4 4both in its sentiments and in its opinions1 the crowd is hugely commonplace4 ,it is incapable of original thought and of any but inherited emotion4 ,it has no speculation in its eyes4 ,what it feels was felt before the flood2 and what it thinks1 its fathers thought before it4 ,the most effective moments in the theatre are those that appeal to commonplace emotions--love of women1 love of home1 love of country1 love of right1 anger1 jealousy1 revenge1 ambition1 lust and treachery4 end footnote #b4 ,what ,good ,drama ,is ,by what standards1 then1 do producers decide whether a play has at least a good chance of success8 ,how is it possible for a manager to pick a successful play even once in a while8 ,why is it that managers do not produce failures all the time8 ,leaving outside of our consideration the question of changeable fashions in themes1 and the commercial element 7which includes the number of actors required1 the scenery1 costumes and similar factors71 let us devote our attention1 as the manager does1 to the determining element--the story4 ,does the story grip8 ,does it thrill8 ,does it lure to laughter8 ,does it touch to tears8 ,is it well constructed--that is1 does it interest every minute of the time8 ,is every word1 is every action1 thoroughly motivated8 ,is the dialogue fine8 ,are the characters interesting1 lovable1 hateable1 laughable1 to be remembered8 ,does it state its problem clearly1 so that everyone can comprehend it1 develop its angle absorbingly1 and end1 not merely stop1 with complete satisfaction8 ,could one little scene be added1 or even one little passage be left out1 without marring the whole8 ,is it true to life--truer than life8 ,if it is all this1 it is good drama4 ,good drama is therefore more than plot4 ,it is more than story plus characters1 dialogue1 acting1 costumes1 scenery--it is more than them all combined4 ,just as a man is more than his body1 his speech1 his dress1 his movings to and fro in the scenes where he plays out his life1 and even more than his deeds1 so is a play more than the sum of all its parts4 ,every successful play1 every great playlet1 possesses a soul--a character1 if you like--that carries a message to its audiences by means which cannot be analyzed4 ,but the fact that the soul of a great play cannot be analyzed does not prevent some other dramatist from duplicating the miracle in another play4 ,and it is from a study of these great plays that certain mechanics of the drama--though1 of course1 they cannot explain the hidden miracle--have been laid down as laws4 #c4 ,what is ,dramatic8 ,these few observations upon the nature of drama1 which have scarcely been materially added to since ,aristotle laid down the first over two thousand years ago1 will be taken up and discussed in their relation to the playlet in the chapter on plot construction4 ,here they have no place1 because we are concerned now not with how the results are obtained1 but with what they are4 ,let us approach our end by the standard definition route4 ,the word drama is defined by ,webster as1 ,a composition in poetry or prose1 or both1 representing a picture of human life1 arranged for action1 and having a plot1 developed by the words and actions of its characters1 which culminates in a final situation of human interest4 ,it is usually designed for production on the stage1 with the accessories of costumes1 scenery1 music1 etc4 ,dramatic1 is defined as1 ,of or pertaining to the drama2 represented by action2 appropriate to or in the form of a drama2 theatrical4 ,characterized by the force and fidelity appropriate to the drama4 ,in this last sentence we have the first step to what we are seeking3 anything to be dramatic must be forceful1 and it also must be faithful to life4 ,and in the preceding sentence1 dramatic4 4 4 is theatrical1 we have a second step4 ,but what is forceful1 and why does ,webster define anything that is dramatic as theatrical8 ,to define one shadow by the name of another shadow is not making either clearer4 ,however1 the necessary looseness of the foregoing definitions is why they are so valuable to us--they are most suggestive4 ,if the maker of a dictionary1 #a hampered by space restrictions1 finds it necessary to define dramatic by the word theatrical1 we may safely assume that theatrical effect has a foundation in the very heart of man4 ,how many times have you heard someone say of another's action1 ,oh1 he did that just for theatrical effect8 ,instantly you knew that the speaker was accusing the other of a desire to impress you by a carefully calculated action1 either of the fineness of his own character or of the necessity and righteousness of your doing what he suggested so forcefully4 ,we need not go back several thousand years to ,aristotle to determine what is dramatic4 ,in the promptings of our own hearts we can find the answer4 #b #a ,webster's ,dictionary was chosen because it is1 historically1 closely associated with ,american life1 and therefore would seem to reflect the best ,american thought upon the peculiar form of our own drama4 #b ,shelley1 in his preface to ,cenci1 says3 ,the highest moral purpose aimed at in the highest species of the drama is the teaching of the human heart1 through its sympathies and antipathies1 the knowledge of itself4 ,what is dramatic1 is not what falls out as things ordinarily occur in life's flow of seemingly disconnected happenings2 it is what occurs with precision and purpose1 and with results which are eventually recognizable as being far beyond the forces that show upon its face4 ,in an illuminating flash that reveals character1 we comprehend what led up to that instant and what will follow4 ,it is the revealing flash that is dramatic4 ,drama is a series of revealing flashes4 ,this is not every-day life1 we say1 but typical life--life as it would be if it were compactly ordered--life purposeful1 and leading surely to an evident somewhere4 ,and1 as man's heart beats high with hope and ever throbs with justice1 those occurrences that fall out as he would wish them are the ones he loves the best2 in this we find the reason for poetic justice--the happy ending4 ,for1 as man is of such stuff as dreams are made of1 so are his plays made of his dreams4 ,here is the foundation of what is dramatic4 ,yet1 the dramatic ending may be unhappy1 if it rounds the play out with big and logical design4 ,death is not necessarily poignantly sad upon the stage1 because death is life's logical end4 ,and who can die better than he who dies greatly8 #a ,defeat1 sorrow and suffering have a place as exquisitely fitting as success1 laughter and gladness1 because they are inalienable elements of life4 ,into every life a little sadness must come1 we know1 and so the lives of our stage-loves may be draped with woe1 and we but love them better4 #a ,the necessity that tragedy and the serious drama shall possess an element of greatness or largeness--call it nobility1 elevation1 what you will--has always been recognized4 ,the divergence has come when men have begun to say what they meant by that quality1 and--which is much the same thing--how it is to be attained4 ,even ,aristotle1 when he begins to analyze methods1 sounds1 at first hearing1 a little superficial4 ,elizabeth ,woodbridge1 ,the ,drama1 pp4 #bc-bd4 ,great souls who suffer1 either by the hand of ,fate1 or unjustly through the machinations of their enemies1 win our sympathy for their sorrows and our admiration by their noble struggles4 ,if ,fate dooms them1 there may be no escape1 and still we are content2 but if they suffer by man's design1 there must be escape from sorrow and defeat through happiness to triumph--for1 if it were not so1 they would not be great4 ,the heart of man demands that those he loves upon the stage succeed1 or fail greatly1 because the hero's dreams are our dreams--the hero's life is ours1 the hero's sorrows are our own1 and because they are ours1 the hero must triumph over his enemies4 #d4 ,the ,law of the ,drama ,thus1 for the very reason that life is a conflict and because man's heart beats quickest when he faces another man1 and leaps highest when he conquers him1 the essence of the dramatic is--conflict4 ,voltaire in one of his letters said that every scene in a play should represent a combat4 ,in ,memories and ,portraits1 ,stevenson says3 ,a good serious play must be founded on one of the passionate cruces of life1 where duty and inclination come nobly to the grapple4 ,goethe1 in his ,william ,meister says3 ,all events oppose him the hero and he either clears and removes every obstacle out of his path1 or else becomes their victim4 ,but it was the ,french critic1 ,ferdinand ,brunetiere1 who defined dramatic law most sharply and clearly1 and reduced it to such simple terms that we may state it in this one free sentence3 ,drama is a struggle of wills and its outcome4 ,in translating and expounding ,brunetiere's theory1 ,brander ,matthews in his ,a ,study of the ,drama condenses the ,french critic's reasoning into these illuminating paragraphs3 ,it the drama must have some essential principle of its own4 ,if this essential principle can be discovered1 then we shall be in possession of the sole law of the drama1 the one obligation which all writers for the stage must accept4 ,now1 if we examine a collection of typical plays of every kind1 tragedies and melodramas1 comedies and farces1 we shall find that the starting point of everyone of them is the same4 ,some one central character wants something2 and this exercise of volition is the mainspring of the action4 4 4 4 ,in every successful play1 modern or ancient1 we shall find this clash of contending desires1 this assertion of the human will against strenuous opposition of one kind or another4 ,brunetiere made it plain that the drama must reveal the human will in action2 and that the central figure in a play must know what he wants and must strive for it with incessant determination4 4 4 4,action in the drama is thus seen to be not mere movement or external agitation2 it is the expression of a will which knows itself4 ,the ,french critic maintained also that1 when this law of the drama was once firmly grasped1 it helped to differentiate more precisely the several dramatic species4 ,if the obstacles against which the will of the hero has to contend are insurmountable1 ,fate or ,providence or the laws of nature--then there is tragedy1 and the end of the struggle is likely to be death1 since the hero is defeated in advance4 ,but if these obstacles are not absolutely insurmountable1 being only social conventions and human prejudices1 then the hero has a chance to attain his desire1--and in this case1 we have the serious drama without an inevitably fatal ending4 ,change this obstacle a little1 equalize the conditions of the struggle1 set two wills in opposition--and we have comedy4 ,and if the obstacle is of still a lower order1 merely an absurdity of custom1 for instance1 we find ourselves in farce4 ,here we have1 sharply and brilliantly stated1 the sole law of drama--whether it be a play in five acts requiring two hours and a half to present1 or a playlet taking but twenty minutes4 ,this one law is all that the writer need keep in mind as the great general guide for plot construction4 ,today1 of course1 as in every age when the drama is a bit more virile than in the years that have immediately preceded it1 there is a tendency to break away from conventions and to cavil at definitions4 ,this is a sign of health1 and has in the past often been the first faint stirring which betokened the awakening of the drama to greater uses4 ,in the past few years1 the stage1 both here and abroad1 has been throbbing with dramatic unrest4 ,the result has been the presentation of oddities--a mere list of whose names would fill a short chapter--which have aimed to be different4 ,and in criticising these oddities--whose differences are more apparent than real--critics of the soundness and eminence of ,mr4 ,william ,archer in ,england1 and ,mr4 ,clayton ,hamilton in ,america1 have taken the differences as valid ground for opposing ,brunetiere's statement of the law of the drama4 ,mr4 ,hamilton1 in his thought-provoking ,studies in ,stage-craft1 takes occasion to draw attention to the fact that ,brunetiere's statement is not as old as ,aristotle's comments on the drama4 ,mr4 ,hamilton seemingly objects to the eagerness with which ,brunetiere's statement was accepted when first it was made1 less than a quarter century ago1 and the tenacity with which it has been held ever since2 while acknowledging its general soundness he denies its truth1 more on account of its youth1 it would seem1 than on account of the few exceptions that prove it1 putting to one side1 or forgetting1 that its youth is not a fault but a virtue1 for had it been stated in ,aristotle's day1 ,brunetiere would not have had the countless plays from which to draw its truth1 after the fruitful manner of a scientist working in a laboratory on innumerable specimens of a species4 ,yet ,mr4 ,hamilton presents his criticism with such critical skill that he sums it all up in these judicial sentences3 4 4 4,but if this effort were ever perfectly successful1 the drama would cease to have a reason for existence1 and the logical consequence would be an abolition of the theatre4 4 4 4 ,but on the other hand1 if we judge the apostles of the new realism less by their ultimate aims than by their present achievements1 we must admit that they are rendering a very useful service by holding the mirror up to many interesting contrasts between human characters which have hitherto been ignored in the theatre merely because they would not fit into the pattern of the well-made play4 ,as to the foremost critical apostle of the new realism--which seeks to construct plays which begin anywhere and have no dramatic ending and would oppose the force of wills by a doubtfully different negation of wills--let us now turn to ,mr4 ,william ,archer and his very valuable definition of the dramatic in his ,play-,making3 ,the only really valid definition of the dramatic is3 any representation of imaginary personages which is capable of interesting an average audience assembled in a theatre4 4 4 4 ,any further attempt to limit the term 'dramatic' is simply the expression of an opinion that such-and-such forms of representation will not be found to interest an audience2 and this opinion may always be rebutted by experiment4 ,perhaps a truer and certainly as inclusive an observation would be that the word dramatic1 like the words picturesque and artistic1 has one meaning that is historical and another that is creative or prophetic4 ,to say of anything that it is dramatic is to say that it partakes of the nature of all drama that has gone before1 for ic means like4 ,but dramatic does not mean only this1 it means besides1 as ,alexander ,black expresses it1 that the new writer finds all the world's dramatic properties gathered as in a storehouse for his instruction4 ,under the inspiration of the life of the hour1 the big man will gather from them what is dramatic today1 and the bigger man will see1 not only what was dramatic yesterday and what is dramatic today1 but what will be dramatic tomorrow and the day after tomorrow4 ,now these admirably broad views of the drama and the dramatic are presented because they are suggestive of the unrestricted paths that you may tread in selecting your themes and deciding on your treatment of them in your playlets4 ,true1 they dangerously represent the trend of individualism1 and a master of stagecraft may be individual in his plot forms and still be great1 but the novice is very likely to be only silly4 ,so read and weigh these several theories with care4 ,be as individual as you like in the choice of a theme--the more you express your individuality the better your work is likely to be--but in your treatment tread warily in the footprints of the masters1 whose art the ages have proved to be true4 ,then you stand less chance of straying into the underbrush and losing yourself where there are no trails and where no one is likely to hear from you again4 #e4 ,the ,essence of the ,dramatic lies in ,meaning1 not in ,movement or in ,speech ,but clear and illuminating as these statements of the law of the drama are1 one point needs slight expansion1 and another vital point1 not yet touched upon1 should be stated1 in a volume designed not for theory but for practice4 ,the first is1 ,action in the drama is thus seen to be not mere movement or external agitation2 it is the expression of a will which knows itself4 ,paradoxical as it may seem1 action that is dramatic is not action1 as the word is commonly understood4 ,physical activity is not considered at all2 the action of a play is not acting1 but plot--story4 ,does the story move--not the bodies of the actors1 but the merely mental recounting of the narrative8 ,as the ,french state the principle in the form of a command1 ,get on with the story6 ,get on6 ,this is one-half of the playwright's action-problem4 ,the other half--the other question--deals1 not with the story itself1 but with how it is made to get on4 ,how it is told in action--still mental and always mental1 please note--is what differentiates the stage story from other literary forms like the novel and the short-story4 ,it must be told dramatically or it is not a stage story2 and the dramatic element must permeate its every fibre4 ,not only must the language be dramatic--slang may in a given situation be the most dramatic language that could be used--and not only must the quality of the story itself be dramatic1 but the scene-steps by which the story is unfolded must scintillate with the soul of the dramatic--revealing flashes4 ,to sum up1 the dramatic1 in the final analysis1 has nothing whatever to do with characters moving agitatedly about the stage1 or with moving at all1 because the dramatic lies not in what happens but in what the happening means4 ,even a murder may be undramatic1 while the mere utterance of the word ,yes1 by a paralyzed woman to a paralyzed man may be the most dramatic thing in the world4 ,let us take another instance3 ,here is a stage--in the centre are three men bound or nailed to crosses4 ,the man at the left turns to the one in the middle and sneers3 ,if you're a god1 save yourself and us4 ,the one at the left interrupts1 ,keep quiet6 ,we're guilty1 we deserve this1 but this ,man doesn't4 ,and the ,man in the centre says1 ,this day shalt thou be with me in paradise4 ,could there be anything more dramatic than that8 #a #a ,do not attempt to stage this sacred scene4 ,however1 ,ran ,kennedy1 who wrote ,the ,servant in the ,house1 did so at ,winthrop ,ames' ,little ,theatre1 ,new ,york1 in an evening of one-act plays1 with surprising results4 ,to carry this truth still further1 let me offer two examples out of scores that might be quoted to prove that the dramatic may not even depend upon speech4 ,in one of ,bronson ,howard's plays1 a man the police are after conspires with his comrades to get him safely through the cordon of guards by pretending that he is dead4 ,they carry him out1 his face covered with a cloth4 ,a policeman halts them--not a word is spoken--and the policeman turns down the cover from the face4 ,dramatic as this all is1 charged as it is with meaning to the man there on the stretcher and to his comrades1 there is even more portentous meaning in the facial expression of the policeman as he reverently removes his helmet and motions the bearers to go on--the man has really died4 ,the movements are as simple and unagitated as one could imagine1 and not one word is spoken1 yet could you conceive of anything more dramatic8 ,again1 one of the master-strokes in ,bulwer-,lytton's ,richelieu is where the ,cardinal escapes from the swords of his enemies who rush into his sleeping apartments to slay him1 by lying down on his bed with his hands crossed upon his breast1 and by his ward's lover 7but that instant won to loyalty to ,richelieu7 announcing to his fellow conspirators that they have come too late--old age has forestalled them1 ,richelieu is dead4 #f4 ,comedy is ,achieved in the ,same ,dramatic ,way ,the only difference between the sublime and the ridiculous is the proverbial step4 ,the sad and the funny are merely a difference of opinion1 of viewpoint4 ,tragedy and comedy are only ways of looking at things4 ,often it is but a difference of to whom the circumstance happens1 whether it is excruciatingly funny or unutterably sad4 ,if you are the person to whom it happens1 there is no argument about it--it is sad2 but the very same thing happening to another person would be--funny4 ,take for example1 the everyday occurrence of a high wind and a flying hat3 ,if the hat is yours1 you chase it with unutterable thoughts--not the least being the consciousness that hundreds may be laughing at you--and if1 just as you are about to seize the hat1 a horse steps on it1 you feel the tragedy of going all the way home without a hat amid the stares of the curious1 and the sorrow of having to spend your good money to buy another4 ,but let that hat be not yours but another's and not you but somebody else be chasing it1 and the grins will play about your mouth until you smile4 ,then let the horse step on the hat and squash it into a parody of a headgear1 just as that somebody else is about to retrieve it--and you will laugh outright4 ,as ,elizabeth ,woodbridge in summing up says1 the whole matter is seen to be dependent on perception of relations and the assumption of a standard of reference4 ,incidentally the foregoing example is a very clear instance of the comic effect that1 like the serious or tragic effect1 is achieved without words4 ,any number of examples of comedy which secure their effect without action will occur to anyone1 from the instance of the lackadaisical ,englishman who sat disconsolately on the race track fence1 and welcomed the jockey who had ridden the losing horse that had swept away all his patrimony1 with these words3 ,aw1 ,i say1 what detained you8 #a to the comedy that was achieved without movement or words in the expressive glance that the owner of the crushed headgear gave the guileless horse4 #a ,it would seem needless to state categorically that the sources of humor1 and the technical means by which comedy is made comic1 have no place in the present discussion4 ,we are only concerned with the flashes by which comedy1 like tragedy1 is revealed4 ,precisely as the tragic and the serious depend for their best effects upon character-revealing flashes and the whole train of incidents which led up to the instant and lead away from it1 does the comic depend upon the revealing flash that is the essence of the dramatic1 the veritable soul of the stage4 #g4 ,tragedy1 the ,serious1 ,comedy1 and ,farce1 all ,depend on their ,dramatic ,meaning in the ,minds of the ,audience ,no matter by what technical means dramatic effect is secured1 whether by the use of words and agitated movement1 or without movement1 or without words1 or sans both1 matters not2 the illuminating flash which reveals the thought behind it all1 the meaning to the characters and their destiny--in which the audience is breathlessly interested because they have all unconsciously taken sides--is what makes the dramatic4 ,let me repeat3 ,it is not the incident1 whatever it may be1 that is dramatic1 but the illuminating flash that reveals to the minds of the audience the meaning of it4 ,did you ever stand in front of a newspaper office and watch the board on which a baseball game1 contested perhaps a thousand miles away1 is being played with markers and a tiny ball on a string8 ,there is no playing field stretching its cool green diamond before that crowd1 there are no famous players present1 there is no crowd of adoring fans jamming grand stand and bleachers2 there is only a small board1 with a tiny ball swaying uncertainly on its string1 an invisible man to operate it1 markers to show the runs1 and a little crowd of hot1 tired men and office boys mopping their faces in the shadeless1 dirty street4 ,there's nothing pretty or pleasant or thrillingly dramatic about this4 ,but wait until the man behind the board gets the flashes that tell him that a ,cravath has knocked the ball over the fence and brought in the deciding run in the pennant race6 ,out on the board the little swaying ball flashes over the mimic fence1 the tiny piece of wood slips to first and chases the bits of wood that represent the men on second and third--home6 ,hurray6 ,hurray66 ,hurray666 yell those weary men and office boys1 almost bursting with delight4 ,over what8 ,not over the tiny ball that has gone back to swaying uncertainly on its string1 not over the tiny bits of board that are now shoved into their resting place1 not even over those runs--but over what those runs mean6 ,and so the playlet writer makes his audience go wild with delight-- not by scenery1 not by costumes1 not by having famous players1 not by beautifully written speeches1 not even by wonderful scenes that flash the dramatic1 but by what those scenes in the appealing story mean to the characters and their destiny1 whereby each person in the audience is made to be as interested as though it were to him these things were happening with all their dramatic meaning of sadness or gladness4 ,however1 it is to the dramatic artist only that ability is given to breathe nobility into the whole and to charge the singleness of effect with a vitality which marks a milestone in countless lives4 ,in this chapter we have found that the essence of drama is conflict-- a clash of wills and its outcome2 that the dramatic consists in those flashes which reveal life at its significant1 crucial moments2 and that the dramatic method is the way of telling the story with such economy of attention that it is comprehended by means of those illuminating flashes which both reveal character and show in an instant all that led up to the crisis as well as what will follow4 ,now let us combine these three doctrines in the following definition1 which is peculiarly applicable to the playlet3 ,drama--whether it be serious or comic in tone--is a representation of reality arranged for action1 and having a plot which is developed to a logical conclusion by the words and actions of its characters and showing a single situation of big human interest2 the whole is told in a series of revealing flashes of which the final illuminating revelation rounds out the entire plot and leaves the audience with a single vivid impression4 ,finally1 we found that the physical movements of the characters often have nothing to do with securing dramatic effect1 and that even words need not of necessity be employed4 ,hence dramatic effect in its final analysis depends upon what meaning the various minor scenes and the final big situation have for the characters and their destinies1 and that this dramatic effect depends1 furthermore1 upon the big broad meaning which it bears to the minds of the audience1 who have taken sides and feel that the chief character's life and destiny represent their own1 or what they would like them to be1 or fear they might be4 ,in the next chapter we shall see how the dramatic spirit is given form by plot structure4 ,,chapter ,,xiv ,,the ,,structural ,,elements ,,of ,,plot ,in the chapter on the germ idea we saw that the theme or subject of a playlet is a problem that must be solved with complete satisfaction4 ,in this chapter we shall see how the problem--which is the first creeping form of a plot--is developed and expanded by the application of formal elements and made to grow into a plot4 ,at the same time we shall see how the dramatic element of plot--discussed in the preceding chapter--is given form and direction in logical expression4 ,i4 ,,what ,,is ,a ,,playlet ,,plot8 ,you will recall that our consideration of the germ idea led us farther afield than a mere consideration of a theme or subject1 or even of the problem--as we agreed to call the spark that makes the playlet go4 ,in showing how a playlet writer gets an idea and how his mind works in developing it1 we took the problem of ,the ,system and developed it into a near-plot form4 ,it may have seemed to you at the time that the problem we assumed for the purpose of exposition was worked out very carefully into a plot1 but if you will turn back to it now1 you will realize how incomplete the elaboration was--it was no more complete than any germ idea should be before you even consider spending time to build it into a playlet4 ,let us now determine definitely what a playlet plot is1 consider its structural elements and then take one of the fine examples of a playlet in the ,appendix and see how its plot is constructed4 ,the plot of a playlet is its story4 ,it is the general outline1 the plan1 the skeleton which is covered by the flesh of the characters and clothed by their words4 ,if the theme or problem is the heart that beats with life1 then the scenery amid which the animated body moves is its habitation1 and the dramatic spirit is the soul that reveals meaning in the whole4 ,to hazard a definition3 ,a playlet plot is a sequence of events logically developed out of a theme or problem1 into a crisis or entanglement due to a conflict of the characters' wills1 and then logically untangled again1 leaving the characters in a different relation to each other--changed in themselves by the crisis4 ,note that a mere series of incidents does not make a plot--the presence of crisis is absolutely necessary to plot4 ,if the series of events does not develop a complication that changes the characters in themselves and in their relations to each other1 there can be no plot4 ,if this is so1 let us now take the sequence of events that compose the story of ,the ,lollard #a and see what constitutes them a plot4 ,i shall not restate its story1 only repeat it in the examination of its various points #b4 #a ,edgar ,allan ,woolf's fine satirical comedy to be found in the ,appendix4 #b ,as a side light1 you see how a playlet theme differs from a playlet plot4 ,you will recall that in the chapter on ,the ,germ ,idea1 the theme of ,the ,lollard was thus stated in terms of a playlet problem3 ,a foolish young woman may leave her husband because she has 'found him out1' yet return to him when she discovers that another man is no better than he is4 ,compare this brief statement with the full statement of the plot given hereafter4 ,the coming of ,angela ,maxwell to ,miss ,carey's door at #b ,a4,m4--unusual as is the hour--is just an event2 the fact that ,angela has left her husband1 ,harry1 basic as it is1 is but little more than an event2 the entrance of the lodger1 ,fred ,saltus1 is but another event1 and even ,harry ,maxwell's coming in search of his wife is merely an event--for if ,harry had sat down and argued ,angela out of her pique1 even though ,fred were present1 there would have been no complication1 save for the cornerstone motive of her having left him4 ,if this sequence of events forms merely a mildly interesting narrative1 what1 then1 is the complication that weaves them into a plot8 ,the answer is1 in ,angela's falling in love with ,fred's broad shoulders1 wealth of hair and general good looks--this complication develops the crisis out of ,harry's wanting ,angela4 ,if ,harry hadn't cared1 there would have been no drama--the drama comes from ,harry's wanting ,angela when ,angela wants ,fred2 ,angela wants something that runs counter to ,harry's will--there is the clash of wills out of which flashes the dramatic4 ,but still there would be no plot--and consequently no playlet--if ,harry had acknowledged himself beaten after his first futile interview with ,angela4 ,the entanglement is there--,harry has to untangle it4 ,he has to win ,angela again--and how he does it1 on ,miss ,carey's tip1 you may know from reading the playlet4 ,but1 if you have read it1 did you realize the dramatic force of the unmasking of ,fred--accomplished without 7explanatory7 words1 merely by making ,fred run out on the stage and dash back into his room again8 ,there is a fine example of the revealing flash6 ,this incident--made big by the dramatic--is the ironical solvent that loosens the warp of ,angela's will and prepares her for complete surrender4 ,harry's entrance in full regimentals--what woman does not love a uniform8-- is merely the full rounding out of the plot that ends with ,harry's carrying his little wife home to happiness again4 ,but1 let us pursue this examination further1 in the light of the preceding chapter4 ,there would have been no drama if the meaning of these incidents had not--because ,angela is a character and ,harry one1 too--been inherent in them4 ,there would have been no plot1 nothing of dramatic spirit1 if ,harry had not been made by those events to realize his mistake and ,angela had not been made to see that ,harry was no worse than another man4 ,it is the change in ,harry and the change in ,angela that changes their relations to each other--therein lies the essence of the plot4 #a #a ,unfortunately1 the bigger1 broader meaning we all read into this satire of life1 cannot enter into our consideration of the structure of plot4 ,it lies too deep in the texture of the playwright's mind and genius to admit of its being plucked out by the roots for critical examination4 ,the bigger meaning is there--we all see it1 and recognize that it stamps ,the ,lollard as good drama4 ,each playwright must work out his own meanings of life for himself and weave them magically into his own playlets2 this is something that cannot be added to a man1 that cannot be satisfactorily explained when seen1 and cannot be taken away from him4 ,now1 having determined what a plot is1 let us take up its structural parts and see how these clearly understood principles make the construction of a playlet plot in a measure a matter of clear thinking4 ,,ii4 ,,the ,,vital ,,parts ,,of ,,the ,,plot ,we must swerve for a moment and cut across lots1 that we may touch every one of the big structural elements of plot and relate them with logical closeness to the playlet1 summing them all up in the end and tying them closely into--what ,i hope may be--a helpful definition1 on the last page of this chapter4 ,the first of the structural parts that we must consider before we take up the broader dramatic unities1 is the seemingly obvious one that a plot has a beginning1 a middle and an ending4 ,there has been no clearer statement of this element inherent in all plots1 than that made by ,aristotle in his famous twenty-century old dissection of tragedy2 he says3 ,tragedy is an imitation of an action1 that is complete and whole1 and of a certain magnitude 7not trivial74 4 4 4 ,a whole is that which has a beginning1 middle and end4 ,a beginning is that which does not itself follow anything by causal necessity1 but after which something naturally is or comes to be4 ,an end1 on the contrary1 is that which itself naturally follows some other thing1 either by necessity or in the regular course of events1 but has nothing to follow it4 ,a middle is that which naturally follows something as some other thing follows it4 ,a well-constructed plot1 therefore1 must neither begin nor end at haphazard1 but conform to the type here described4 #a #a ,aristotle1 ,poetics ,,vii4 ,let us state the first part of the doctrine in this way3 #a4 ,the ,beginning ,must ,state the ,premises of the ,problem ,clearly and ,simply ,although life knows neither a beginning nor an end--not your life nor mine1 but the stream of unseparate events that make up existence--a work of art1 like the playlet1 must have both4 ,the beginning of any event in real life may lie far back in history2 its immediate beginnings1 however1 start out closely together and distinctly in related causes and become more indistinctly related the farther back they go4 ,just where you should consider the event that is the crisis of your playlet has its beginning1 depends upon how you want to tell it--in other words1 it depends upon you4 ,no one can think for you1 but there are one or two observations upon the nature of plot-beginnings that may be suggestive4 ,in the first place1 no matter how carefully the dramatic material has been severed from connection with other events1 it cannot be considered entirely independent4 ,by the very nature of things1 it must have its roots in the past from which it springs1 and these roots--the foundations upon which the playlet rises--must be presented to the audience at the very beginning4 ,if you were introducing a friend of yours and his sister and brother to your family1 who had never met them before1 you would tell which one was your particular friend1 what his sister's name was1 and his brother's name1 too1 and their relationship to your friend4 ,and1 if the visit were unexpected1 you would--naturally and unconsciously--determine how they happened to come and how long you might have the pleasure of entertaining them2 in fact1 you would fix every fact that would give your family a clear understanding of the event of their presence4 ,in other words1 you would very informally and delicately establish their status1 by outlining their relations to you and to each other1 so that your family might have a clear understanding of the situation they were asked to face4 ,this is precisely what must be done at the very beginning of a playlet--the friends1 who are the author's characters1 must be introduced to his interested family1 the audience1 with every bit of information that is necessary to a clear understanding of the playlet's situation4 ,these are the roots from which the playlet springs--the premise of its problem4 ,precisely as ,the ,lollard declares in its opening speeches who ,miss ,carey is and who ,angela ,maxwell is1 and that ,angela is knocking at ,miss ,carey's door at two o'clock in the morning because she has left ,harry1 her husband1 after a quarrel the roots of which lie in the past1 so every playlet must state in its very first speeches1 the whos and whys--the premises--out of which the playlet logically develops4 ,the prologue of ,the ,villain ,still ,pursued ,her is an excellent illustration of this point4 ,when this very funny travesty was first produced1 it did not have a prologue4 ,it began almost precisely as the full-stage scene begins now1 and the audience did not know whether to take it seriously or not4 ,the instant he watched the audience at the first performance1 the author sensed the problem he had to face4 ,he knew1 then1 that he would have to tell the next audience and every other that the playlet is a farce1 a roaring travesty1 to get the full value of laughter that lies in the situations4 ,he pondered the matter and saw that if the announcement in plain type on the billboards and in the program that his playlet was a travesty was not enough1 he would have to tell the audience by a plain statement from the stage before his playlet began4 ,so he hit upon the prologue that stamps the act as a travesty in its very first lines1 introduces the characters and exposes the roots out of which the action develops so clearly that there cannot possibly be any mistake4 ,and his reward was the making over of an indifferent success into one of the most successful travesties in vaudeville4 ,this conveying to the audience of the knowledge necessary to enable them to follow the plot is technically known as exposition4 ,it is one of the most important parts of the art of construction--indeed1 it is a sure test of a playwright's dexterity4 ,while there are various ways of offering preliminary information in the long drama--that is1 it may be presented all at once in the opening scene of the first act1 or homeopathically throughout the first act1 or some minor bits of necessary information may be postponed even until the opening of the second act--there is only one way of presenting the information necessary to the understanding of the playlet3 ,it must all be compressed into the very first speeches of the opening scene4 ,the clever playlet writer is advertised by the ease--the simplicity--with which he condenses every bit of the exposition into the opening speeches4 ,you are right in the middle of things before you realize it and it is all done so skillfully that its straightforwardness leaves never a suspicion that the simplicity is not innate but manufactured2 it seems artless1 yet its artlessness is the height of art4 ,the beginning of a playlet1 then1 must convey to the audience every bit of information about the characters and their relations to each other that is necessary for clear understanding4 ,furthermore1 it must tell it all compactly and swiftly in the very first speeches1 and by the seeming artlessness of its opening events it must state the problem so simply that what follows is foreshadowed and seems not only natural but inevitable4 #b4 ,the ,middle ,must ,develop the ,problem ,logically and ,solve the ,entanglement in a ,big ,scene ,for the purpose of perfect understanding1 ,i would define the middle of a playlet as that part which carries the story on from the indispensable introduction to and into the scene of final suspense--the climax--in which the chief character's will breaks or triumphs and the end is decided4 ,in ,the ,lollard this would be from the entrance of ,fred ,saltus and his talk with ,angela1 to ,miss ,carey's exposure of ,fred's lollardness1 which breaks down ,angela's determination by showing her that her husband is no worse than ,fred and makes it certain that ,harry has only to return to his delightful deceptions of dress to carry her off with him home4 7a7 ,the ,exciting ,force4 ,the beginning of the action that we have agreed to call the middle of a playlet1 is technically termed the exciting force4 ,the substance of the whole matter is this3 ,remember what your story is and tell it with all the dramatic force with which you are endowed4 ,perhaps the most common1 and certainly the very best1 place to start the trouble--to put the exciting force which arouses the characters to conflict--is the very first possible instant after the clear1 forceful and foreshadowing introduction4 ,the introduction has started the action of the story1 the chief characters have shown what they are and the interest of the audience has been awakened4 ,now you must clinch that interest by having something happen that is novel1 and promises in the division of personal interests which grow out of it to hold a punch that will stir the sympathies legitimately and deeply4 7b7 ,the ,rising ,movement4 ,this exciting force is the beginning of what pundits call the rising movement--in simple words1 the action which from now on increases in meaning vital to the characters and their destinies4 ,what happens1 of course1 depends upon the material and the treatment1 but there is one point that requires a moment's discussion here1 although closely linked with the ability to seize upon the dramatic--if it is not1 itself1 the heart of the dramatic4 ,this important point is1 that in every story set for the stage1 there are certain 7c7 ,scenes that ,must be ,shown4 ,from the first dawn of drama until today1 when the motion pictures are facing the very same necessity1 the problem that has vexed playwrights most is the selection of what scenes must be shown4 ,these all-important scenes are the incidents of the story or the interviews between characters that cannot be recounted by other characters4 ,call them dramatic scenes1 essential scenes1 what you will1 if they are not shown actually happening1 but are described by dialogue--the interest of the audience will lag and each person from the first seat in the orchestra to the last bench in the gallery will be disappointed and dissatisfied4 ,for instance3 ,if1 instead of ,fred ,saltus' appearing before the audience and having his humorously thoughtless but nevertheless momentous talk with ,angela in which ,angela falls in love with him1 the interview had been told the audience by ,miss ,carey1 there would have been no playlet4 ,nearly as important is the prologue of ,the ,villian ,still ,pursued ,her2 ,mr4 ,denvir found it absolutely necessary to show those characters to the audience1 so that they might see them with their own eyes in their farcical relations to each other1 before he secured the effect that made his playlet4 ,turn to ,the ,system and try to find even one scene there shown that could be replaced by narrative dialogue and you will see once more how important are the scenes that must be shown4 ,one of the all-rules-in-one for writing drama that ,i have heard1 though ,i cannot now recall what playwright told me1 deals with precisely this point4 ,he expressed it this way3 ,first tell your audience what you are going to do1 then show it to them happening1 and then tell 'em it has happened6 ,you will not make a mistake1 of course1 if you show the audience those events in which the dramatic conflict enters4 ,the soul of a playlet is the clash of the wills of the characters1 from which fly the revealing flashes2 a playlet1 therefore1 loses interest for the audience when the scenes in which those wills clash and flash revealingly are not shown4 ,it is out of such revealing scenes that the rising movement grows1 as ,freytag says1 with a progressive intensity of interest4 ,but1 not only must the events progress and the climax be brought nearer1 but the scenes themselves must broaden with force and revealing power4 ,they must grow until there comes one big scene--big in every way--somewhere on the toes of the ending1 a scene next to the last or the last itself4 7d7 ,the ,climax4 ,here is where the decisive blow is struck in a moment when the action becomes throbbing and revealing in every word and movement4 ,in ,the ,lollard it is when ,fred makes his revealing dash through the room--this is the dramatic blow which breaks ,angela's infatuation4 ,it is the crowning point of the crowning scene in which the forces of the playlet culminate1 and the heart wallop--as ,tom ,barry calls it #a--;is delivered and the decision is won and made4 #a ,vaudeville ,appeal and the ,heart ,wallop1 by ,tom ,barry1 author of ,the ,upstart and ,brother ,fans1 an interesting article in ,the ,dramatic ,mirror of ,december #af1 #aiad4 ,for this and other valuable information ,i wish to acknowledge my indebtedness and to express my thanks to ,the ,dramatic ,mirror and its courteous ,vaudeville ,editor1 ,frederick ,james ,smith4 ,whatever this decision may be and however it is won and made1 the climax must be first of all a real climax--it must be big1 whether it be a comedy scream or the seldom-seen tragic tear4 ,big in movement and expression it must be1 depending for effect not on words but on the revealing flash2 it must be the summit of the action2 it must be the event toward which the entire movement has been rising2 it must be the fulfillment of what was foreshadowed2 it must be keen1 quick1 perfectly logical and flash the illuminating revelation1 as if one would say1 ,here1 this is what ,i've kept you waiting for--my whole reason for being4 ,need ,i say that such a climax will be worth while8 ,and now1 as the climax is the scene toward which every moment of the playlet--from the first word of the introduction and the first scene-statement of the playlet's problem--has been motivated1 and toward which it has risen and culminated1 so also the climax holds within itself the elements from which develops the ending4 #c4 ,the ,ending ,must ,round the ,whole ,out ,satisfyingly4 ,for the purpose of clearness1 let me define the ending of a playlet as a scene that lies between the climax or culminating scene--in which the audience has been made to feel the coming-to-an-end effect--and the very last word on which the curtain descends4 ,if you have ever watched a sailor splicing a rope1 you will know what ,i mean when ,i say that the worker1 reaching for the loose ends to finish the job off neatly1 is like the playlet writer who reaches here and there for the playlet's loose ends and gathers them all up into a neat1 workmanlike finish4 ,the ending of a playlet must not leave unfulfilled any promises of the premise1 but must fulfill them all satisfyingly4 ,the characteristics of a good playlet ending--besides the completeness with which the problem has been proved and the satisfyingness with which it all rounds out--are terseness1 speed and punch4 ,if the climax is a part of the playlet wherein words may not be squandered1 the ending is the place where words--you will know what ,i mean--may not be used at all4 ,everything that must be explained must be told by means which reach into the spectator's memory of what has gone before and make it the positive pole of the battery from which flash the wireless messages from the scene of action4 ,as ,emerson defined character as that which acts by mere presence without words1 let me define the ending of a playlet as that which acts without words by the simple bringing together of the characters in their new relations4 ,the climax has said to the audience1 ,here1 this is what ,i've kept you waiting for--my whole reason for being1 therefore the ending cannot dally--it must run swiftly to the final word4 ,there is no excuse for the ending to linger over anything at all--the shot has been fired and the audience waits only for the smoke to clear away1 that it may see how the bull's-eye looks4 ,the swifter you can blow the smoke away1 show them that you've hit the bull's-eye dead in the centre1 and bow yourself off amid their pleased applause1 the better your impression will be4 ,take these three examples3 ,when ,fred ,saltus dashes revealingly across the stage and back into his room again1 ,the ,lollard's climax is reached2 and as soon as ,angela exclaims ,what 'a lollard' that is6 there's a ring at the door bell and in comes ,harry to win ,angela completely with his regimentals and to carry her off and bring the curtain down-- in eight very short speeches4 ,in ,the ,system1 the climax arrives when the honest ,inspector orders ,dugan arrested and led away4 ,then he gives ,the ,eel and ,goldie their freedom and exits with a simple ,good ,night--and the curtain comes down--all in seven speeches4 ,the climax of ,blackmail seems to come when ,fallon shoots ,mohun and ,kelly breaks into the room--to the curtain it is seven speeches4 ,but the real climax is reached when ,kelly shouts over the telephone ,of course1 in self-defense1 you fool1 of course1 in self-defense4 ,this is--the last speech4 ,convincing evidence1 is this not1 of the speed with which the curtain must follow the climax8 ,and so we have come1 to this most important point--the finish or the curtain1 as vaudeville calls it4 ,the very last thing that must be shown1 and the final word that must be said before the curtain comes down1 are the last loose ends of the plot which must be spliced into place--the final illuminating word to round out the whole playlet humanly and cleverly4 ,the ,lollard goes back to ,miss ,carey's sleep1 which ,angela's knock on the door interrupted3 ,now1 thank ,gawd1 ,i'll get a little sleep1 says ,miss ,carey as she puts out the light4 ,a human1 an everyday word it is1 spoken like a reminiscent thrill--and down comes the curtain amid laughter and applause4 ,a fine way to end4 ,but not the only way--let us examine ,the ,system4 ,well1 we're broke again1 says ,goldie tearfully4 ,we can't go ,west now1 so there's no use packing4 ,now1 note the use of business in the ending1 and the surprise4 ,the ,eel goes stealthily to the window ,l1 looks out1 and pulls the dictograph from the wall4 ,then he comes down stage to ,goldie who is sitting on the trunk and has watched him4 ,he taps her on the shoulder1 taking ,dugan's red wallet out of his pocket4 ,go right ahead and pack1 says ,the ,eel1 while ,goldie looks astonished and begins to laugh4 ,the audience1 too1 look astonished and begin to laugh when they see that red wallet4 ,it is a surprise--a surprise so cleverly constructed that it hits the audience hard just above the laughter-and-applause-belt-- a surprise that made the act at least twenty-five per cent better than it would have been without it4 ,and from it we may now draw the rules for the use of that most helpful and most dangerous element1 surprise in the vaudeville finish3 ,note first1 that it was entirely logical for ,the ,eel to steal the wallet--he is a pickpocket4 ,second1 that the theft of the wallet is not of trivial importance to ,goldie's destiny and to his--they are broke and they must get away2 the money solves all their problems4 ,and third1 note that while ,the ,eel's possession of the wallet is a surprise1 the wallet itself is not a surprise--it has first played a most important part in the tempting of ,goldie and has been shown to the audience not once but many times2 and its very color--red--makes it instantly recognizable2 the spectators know what it contains and what its contents mean to the destinies of both ,the ,eel and ,goldie--it is only that ,the ,eel has it1 that constitutes the surprise4 ,now ,i must sound a warning against striving too hard after a surprise finish4 ,the very nature of many playlets makes it impossible to give them such a curtain4 ,if you have built up a story which touches the heart and brings tears to the eyes1 and then turn it all into a joke1 the chances are the audience will feel that their sympathies have been outraged1 and so the playlet will fail4 ,for instance1 one playlet was ruined because right on top of the big1 absorbing climax two of the characters who were then off stage stuck their heads in at the door and shouted at the hero of the tense situation1 ,april ,fool4 ,therefore1 the following may be considered as an important rule2 a playlet that touches the heart should never end with a trick or a surprise4 #a #a ,see ,chapter ,,xviii1 section ,,iii1 par4 #d4 ,now1 let me sum up these four elements of surprise3 ,a surprise finish must be fitting1 logical1 vitally important1 and revealingly dramatic2 if you cannot give a playlet a surprise-finish that shall be all of these four things at once1 be content with the simpler ending4 ,the importance of a playlet's ending is so well understood in vaudeville that the insistence upon a great finish to every playlet has sometimes seemed to be over-insistence1 for1 important as it is1 it is no more important than a great opening and great scenes4 ,the ending is1 of course1 the final thing that quickens applause1 and1 coming last and being freshest in the mind of the audience1 it is more likely to carry just a fair act to success than a fine act is likely to win with the handicap of a poor finish4 ,but1 discounting this to be a bit under the current valuation of great finishes1 we still may round out this discussion of the playlet's three important parts1 with this temperate sentence3 ,a well constructed playlet plot is one whose ,beginning states the premises of its problem clearly and simply1 whose ,middle develops the problem logically and solves the entanglement in a big scene1 and whose ,ending rounds out the whole satisfyingly-- with a surprise1 if fitting4 ,but1 temperate and helpful as this statement of a well constructed plot may be1 there is something lacking in it4 ,and that something lacking is the very highest test of plot--lightly touched on at various times1 but which1 although it enters into a playwright's calculations every step of the way1 could not be logically considered in this treatise until the structure had been examined as a whole3 ,i mean the formidable-sounding1 but really very simple dramatic unities4 ,,iii4 ,,the ,,three ,,dramatic ,,unities ,now1 but only for a moment1 we must return to the straight line of investigation from which we swerved in considering the structural parts of a playlet plot4 ,at the beginning of this chapter we saw that a simple narrative of events is made a plot by the addition of a crisis or entanglement1 and its resolution or untying4 ,now1 the point ,i wish to present with all the emphasis at my command1 is that complication does not mean complexity4 #a4 ,unity of ,action ,in other words1 no matter how many events you place one after another--no matter how you pile incident upon incident--you will not have a plot unless you so inter-relate them that the removal of anyone event will destroy the whole story4 ,each event must depend on the one preceding it1 and in turn form a basis for the one following1 and each must depend upon all the others so vitally that if you take one away the whole collapses4 #a #a ,see ,aristotle1 ,poetics1 ,chapter ,,viii1 and also ,poe's criticism1 ,the ,american ,drama4 7a7 ,unity of ,hero is not ,unity of ,action4 ,one of the great errors into which the novice is likely to fall1 is to believe that because he makes every event which happens happen to the hero1 he is observing the rule of unity4 ,nothing could be farther from the truth--nothing is so detrimental to successful plot construction4 #b #b ,see ,freytag's ,technique of the ,drama1 p4 #cf4 ,aristotle tried to correct this evil1 which he saw in the plays of the great ,athenian poets1 by saying3 ,the action is the first and most important thing1 the characters only second2 and1 ,the action is not given unity by being made to concern only one person4 ,remember1 unity of action means unity of story4 7b7 ,double-,action is ,dangerous to ,unity4 ,if you have a scene in which two minor characters come together for a reason vital to the plot1 you must be extremely careful not to tell anything more than the facts that are vital4 ,in long plays the use of what is called double-action --that is1 giving to characters necessary to the plot an interest and a destiny separate from that of the chief characters--is1 of course1 recognized and productive of fine results4 ,but1 even in the five-act play1 the use of double-action is dangerous4 ,for instance3 ,shakespere developed ,falstaff so humorously that today we sometimes carelessly think of ,henry ,,iv as a delightful comedy1 when in reality it was designed as a serious drama--and is most serious1 when ,falstaff's lines are cut from the reading version to the right proportions for to-day's stage effect4 ,if ,shakespere nodded1 it is a nod even the legitimate dramatist of today should take to heart1 and the playlet writer--peculiarly restricted as to time--must engrave deeply in his memory4 ,the only way to secure unity of action is to concentrate upon your problem or theme2 to realize that you are telling a story2 to remember that each character1 even your hero1 is only a pawn to advance the story2 and to cut away rigorously all non-essential events4 ,if you will bear in mind that a playlet is only as good as its plot1 that a plot is a story and that you must give to your story1 as has been said1 ,a completeness--a kind of universal dovetailedness1 a sort of general oneness1 you will have little difficulty in observing the one playlet rule that should never be broken--,unity of action4 #b4 ,unity of ,time ,the second of the classical unities1 unity of time1 is peculiarly perplexing1 if you study to understand and not merely to write4 ,briefly--for ,i must reiterate that our purpose is practice and not theory--the dramatists of every age since ,aristotle have quarreled over the never-to-be-settled problem of what space of time a play should be permitted to represent4 ,those who take the stand that no play should be allowed to show an action that would require more than twenty-four hours for the occurrences in real life1 base their premise on the imitative quality of the stage1 rather than upon the selective quality of art4 ,while those who contend that a play may disregard the classical unity of time1 if only it preserves the unity of action1 base their contention upon the fact that an audience is interested not in time at all--but in story4 ,in other words1 a play preserves the only unity worth preserving when it deals with the incidents that cause a crisis and ends by showing its effect1 no matter whether the action takes story-years to occur or happens all in a story-hour4 ,if we were studying the long drama it might be worth our while to consider the various angles of this ancient dispute1 but1 fortunately1 we have a practical and1 therefore1 better standard by which to state this unity in its application to the playlet4 ,let us approach the matter in this way3 ,vaudeville is variety--it strives to compress into the space of about two hours and a half a great number of different acts which run the gamut of the entertainment forms1 and therefore it cannot afford more than an average of twenty minutes to each4 ,this time limit makes it difficult for a playlet to present effectively any story that does not occur in consecutive minutes4 ,it has been found that even the lowering of the curtain for one second to denote the lapse of an hour or a year1 has a tendency to distract the minds of the audience from the story and to weaken the singleness of effect without which a playlet is nothing4 ,on the other hand1 this rule is not unbreakable3 a master craftsman's genius is above all laws4 ,in ,the ,system the first scene takes place in the evening2 scene two1 a little later the same evening2 and scene three later that same night4 ,the story is really continuous in time1 but the story-time is not equal to the playing-time even though this playlet consumes nearly twice twenty minutes4 ,but1 you will note1 the scenery changes help to keep the interest of the audience from flagging1 and also stamp the lapses of time effectively4 ,a still greater violation of the rule--if it were stated as absolutely rigid--is to be found in ,mr4 ,granville's later act1 ,the ,yellow ,streak1 written in collaboration with ,james ,madison4 ,here scene two takes place later in the evening of the first scene1 and the third scene after a lapse of four months4 ,but these two exceptions1 out of many that might be cited1 merely prove that dramatic genius can mold even the rigid time of the vaudeville stage to its needs4 ,of course1 there is the possibility of foreshortening time to meet the exigencies of vaudeville when the scene is not changed4 ,for instance3 a character telephones that he will be right over and solve the whole situation on which the punch of the playlet depends1 and he enters five actual minutes later--although in real life it would take an hour to make the trip4 ,this is an extreme instance1 as time foreshortening goes1 because it is one where the audience might grasp the disparity1 and is given for its side-light of warning as well as for its suggestive value4 ,more simple foreshortenings of time are found in many playlets where the effect of an hour-or-more of events is compressed into the average twenty minutes4 ,as an example of this perfectly safe use of shortening1 note the quickness with which ,harry returns to ,miss ,carey's apartment when he goes out to change into his regimentals4 ,and as still safer foreshortenings1 note the quickness with which ,fred ,saltus enters after ,miss ,carey goes to bed leaving ,angela on the couch2 and the quickness with which ,angela falls in love with him--in fact1 the entire compression inherent in the dramatic events which cannot be dissociated from time compression4 ,a safe attitude for a playlet writer to take1 is that all of his action shall mimic time reality as closely as his dramatic moment and the time-allowance of presentation will permit4 ,this is considered in all dramatic art to be the ideal4 ,a good way to obviate disparaging comparison is to avoid reference to time--either in the dialogue or by the movements of events4 ,to sum up the whole matter1 a vaudeville playlet may be considered as preserving unity of time when its action occurs in continuous minutes of about the length the episode would take to occur in real life4 #c4 ,unity of ,place ,the commercial element of vaudeville often makes it inadvisable for a playlet to show more than one scene--very often an otherwise acceptable playlet is refused production because the cost of supplying special scenes makes it a bad business venture4 #a #a ,see ,chapter ,,iii4 ,yet it is permissible for a writer to give his playlet more than one place of happening--if he can make his story so compact and gripping that it does not lose in effect by the unavoidable few seconds' wait necessary to the changing of the scenery4 ,but1 even if his playlet is so big and dramatic that it admits of a change of scenes1 he must conform it to the obvious vaudeville necessity of scenic alternation4 #b ,with this scenic rule the matter of unity of place in the playlet turns to the question of a playwright's art1 which rules cannot limit4 #b ,see ,chapter ,i4 ,this third and last unity of the playlet may1 however1 for all save the master-craftsman1 be safely stated as follows3 ,except in rare instances a playlet should deal with a story that requires but one set of scenery1 thus conserving the necessities of commercial vaudeville1 aiding the smooth running of a performance1 and preserving the dramatic unity of place4 ,we may now condense the three dramatic unities into a statement peculiarly applicable to the playlet--which would seem as though specially designed to fulfill them all3 ,a playlet preserves the dramatic unities when it shows one action in one time and in one place4 ,and now it may be worth while once more to sum up what ,i have said about the elements of plot--of which the skeleton of every playlet must be made up3 ,a mere sequence of events is not a plot2 to become a plot there must develop a crisis or entanglement due to a conflict of the characters' wills2 the entanglement must be of such importance that when it is untangled the characters will be in a different relation to each other--changed in themselves by the crisis4 ,a plot is divided into three parts3 a ,beginning1 a ,middle and an ,ending4 ,the ,beginning must state the premises of the playlet's problem clearly and simply2 the ,middle must develop the problem logically and solve the entanglement in a big scene1 and the ,ending must round out the whole satisfyingly--with a surprise1 if fitting4 ,a plot1 furthermore1 must be so constructed that the removal of anyone of its component parts will be detrimental to the whole4 ,it is told best when its action occurs in continuous time of about the length the episode would take to occur in real life and does not require the changing of scenery4 ,thus will a playlet be made to give the singleness of effect that is the height of playlet art4 ,,chapter ,,xv ,,the ,,characters ,,in ,,the ,,playlet ,in this chapter the single word character must1 of necessity1 do duty to express three different things4 ,first1 by characters1 as used in the title1 ,i mean what the programs sometimes more clearly express by the words persons of the play4 ,second1 in the singular1 it must connote what we all feel when we use the word in everyday life1 as he is a man of--good or bad--character4 ,and third1 and also in the singular1 ,i would also have it connote1 in the argot of the stage1 a character actor1 meaning one who presents a distinct type--as1 say1 a ,german character1 or a ,french character4 ,it is because of the suggestive advantage of having one word to express these various things that the single term characters is used as the title of this chapter4 ,but1 that there may be no possible confusion1 ,i shall segregate the different meanings sharply4 ,i4 ,,characters ,,versus ,,plot ,in discussing how a playwright gets an idea1 you will recall1 we found that there are two chief ways of fashioning the playlet3 ,first1 a plot may be fitted with characters2 second1 characters may be fitted with a plot4 ,in other words1 the plot may be made most prominent1 or the characters may be made to stand out above the story4 ,you will also remember we found that the stage--the vaudeville quite as much as the legitimate--is character-ridden1 that is1 an actor who has made a pronounced success in the delineation of one character type forever afterward wants another play or playlet just like the last1 but with a different plot1 so that he can go right on playing the same old character4 ,this we saw has in some cases resulted in the story being considered merely as a vehicle for a personality1 often to the detriment of the playlet4 ,naturally1 this leads us to inquire3 is there not some just balance between characters and plot which should be preserved8 ,were we considering merely dramatic theory1 we would be perfectly right in saying that no play should be divisible into plot and characters1 but that story and characters should be so closely twinned that one would be unthinkable without the other4 ,as ,brander ,matthews says1 ,in every really important play the characters make the plot1 and the story is what it is merely because the characters are what they are4 ,an exceptionally fine vaudeville example--one only1 it is agreeable to note1 out of many that might be quoted from vaudeville's past and present--that has but two persons in the playlet is ,will ,cressy's ,the ,village ,lawyer4 ,one is a penniless old lawyer who has been saving for years to buy a clarionet4 ,a woman comes in quest of a divorce4 ,when he has listened to her story he asks twenty dollars advance fee4 ,then he persuades her to go back home--and hands the money back4 ,there is a splendid climax4 ,the old lawyer stands in the doorway of his shabby office looking out into the night4 ,well1 he sighs1 maybe ,i couldn't play the darned thing anyway6 ,if the lawyer had not been just what he was there would have been no playlet4 ,but vital as the indissoluble union of plot and characters is in theory1 we are not discussing theory2 we are investigating practice1 and practice from the beginner's standpoint1 therefore let us approach the answer to our question in this way3 ,when you were a child clamoring for a story you did not care a snap of your fingers about anything except ,once upon a time there was a little boy--or a giant--or a dragon1 who did something4 ,you didn't care what the character was1 but whatever it was1 it had to do something1 to be doing something all of the time4 ,even when you grew to youth and were on entertainment bent1 you cared not so much what the characters in a story were1 just so long as they kept on doing something--preferably great deeds1 such as capturing a city or scuttling a ship or falling in love4 ,it was only a little later that you came to find enjoyment in reading a book or seeing a play in which the chief interest came from some person who had admirable qualities or was an odd sort of person who talked in an odd sort of way4 ,was it ,george ,cohan who said a vaudeville audience is of the mental age of a nine-year-old child8 ,theoretically and1 of course1 practically too1 when it is possible1 the characters of a playlet should be as interesting as the plot4 ,each should vitally depend upon the other4 ,but1 if you must choose whether to sacrifice plot-interest or character-interest1 save the interest of plot every time4 ,as ,aristotle says1 the action is the first and most important thing1 the characters only secondary4 ,how a playwright begins to construct a play1 whether he fits a plot with characters1 or fits characters with a plot1 does not matter4 ,what matters is how he ends4 ,if the story and the characters blend perfectly the result is an example of the highest art1 but characters alone will never make a stage story--the playlet writer must end with plot4 ,story is for what the stage is made4 ,plot is the life blood of the playlet4 ,to vivify cold dramatic incidents is the province of playlet characters4 ,,ii4 ,,the ,,persons ,,of ,,the ,,playlet ,while it is true that1 no matter with what method he begins1 a playwright may end by having a successful playlet1 the clearer way to understanding is for us to suppose that you have your plot and are striving to fit it with live people--therefore ,i shall assume that such is the case4 ,for if the reverse were the case and the characters were all ready to fit with a plot1 the question would be primarily not of characters but of plot4 #a4 ,the ,number of ,persons ,how many people shall ,i have in my playlet8 ought to be one of the very first questions the writer asks1 for enough has been said in the earlier chapters1 it would seem1 to establish the fact that vaudeville is first of all a commercial pursuit and after that an artistic profession4 ,while there can be no hard and fast rule as to the number of persons there may be in a playlet1 business economy dictates that there shall be no more than the action of the playlet positively demands4 ,but before ,i say a short word about this general rule1 permit me to state another that comes fast upon its heels3 ,a really big playlet--big in theme1 in grip of action1 and in artistic effect--may have even thrice the number of characters a little playlet may possess4 ,merit determines the number4 ,let us find the reasons for these two general statements in this way3 ,in ,the ,lollard there are four persons1 while in ,the ,system there are thirteen speaking parts and a number of supers4 ,would it then be correct to suppose that ,the ,system is a bigger playlet than ,the ,lollard8 ,it would not be safe to assume any such judgment1 for the circuit that booked ,the ,system may have been in need of a playlet using a large number of persons to make what is known as a flash1 therefore the booking manager may have given orders that this playlet be built to make that flash1 and the total return to the producer might not have been any greater proportionally than the return to the producer of the numerically smaller ,the ,lollard4 ,therefore of two playlets whose total effects are equal1 the one having the lesser number of persons is the better producing gamble1 and for this reason is more likely to be accepted when offered for sale4 ,if you will constantly bear in mind that you are telling a story of action and not of character1 you will find very little difficulty in reducing the number of players from what you first supposed absolutely necessary4 ,as just one suggestion3 ,if your whole playlet hangs on an important message to be delivered1 the property man1 dressed as a messenger boy1 may hand in the message without a word4 ,i have chosen this one monotonously often-seen example because it is suggestive of the crux of the problem--the final force of a playlet is affected little by what the character says when he delivers a vital message4 ,all that matters is the message itself4 ,the one thing to remember in reducing the number of characters to the lowest possible number is--plot4 ,four ,persons the ,average4 ,while there are playlets ranging in number of characters from the two-person ,the ,village ,lawyer1 through ,the ,lollard's four1 to ,the ,system's thirteen speaking parts1 and even more in rare instances1 the average vaudeville playlet employs four people4 ,but it is a fact of importance to note that a three-person playlet can be sold more easily--,i am assuming an equal standard of merit--than a four-person playlet4 ,and1 by the same law of demand1 a two-person playlet wins a quicker market than a three-person playlet4 ,the reason for this average has its rise in the demands of the dramatic1 and not merely in economy4 ,the very nature of the playlet makes it the more difficult to achieve dramatic effect the more the number of characters is reduced4 ,but while four persons are perfectly permissible in a playlet designed for vaudeville's commercial stage1 the beginner would do well to make absolutely sure that he has reduced his characters to their lowest number before he markets his playlet1 and1 if possible1 make a three-person or a two-person offering4 #b4 ,selecting the ,characters ,there would seem to be little need1 in this day of wide curiosity about all the forms of writing and those of playwriting in particular1 to warn the beginner against straying far afield in search of characters whom he will not understand even when he finds them4 ,yet this is precisely the fault that makes failures of many otherwise good playlets4 ,the whole art of selecting interesting characters may be summed up in one sentence--choose those that you know4 ,the most interesting characters in the world are rubbing elbows with you every day4 ,willard ,mack--who developed into a successful legitimate playwright from vaudeville1 and is best known1 perhaps1 for the expansion of his vaudeville act1 ,kick in1 into the long play of the same name--has this to say on the subject3 ,i say to the ambitious playwright1 take the types you are familiar with4 ,why go to the ,northwest1 to ,new ,orleans in the #dj's1 to the court of ,louis ,,xiv1 for characters8 ,the milkman who comes to your door in the morning1 the motorman on the passing street car1 the taxi driver1 all have their human-interest stories4 ,anyone of them would make a drama4 ,i never attempt to write anything that has not suggested itself from something in real life4 ,i must know it has existed4 #a #a ,willard ,mack on the ,vaudeville ,playlet1 ,the ,new ,york ,dramatic ,mirror1 ,march #c1 #aiae4 ,precisely as it is impossible to tell anyone how to grasp the dramatic and transplant it into a playlet1 is it impossible to show how to seize on character and transplant it to the stage4 ,only remember that interesting characters are all about you1 and you will have little difficulty--if you have1 as the ,french say1 the flare4 ,,iii4 ,,fitting ,,characters ,,to ,,plot ,it would seem that a playwright who has his plot all thought out would experience little difficulty in fitting the characters of a playlet into their waiting niches2 it is easy1 true enough--if his plot is perfectly dovetailed and motivated as to character4 ,by this ,i mean1 that in even a playlet in which plot rides the characters1 driving them at its will to attain its end1 logic must be used4 ,and it certainly would not be logical to make your characters do anything which such persons would not do in real life4 ,as there must be unity in plot1 so must there be unity in character4 ,the persons in a playlet are not merely puppets1 even if plot is made to predominate4 ,they are--let us hope--live persons4 ,i do not mean that you have transplanted living people to the stage1 but that you have taken the elements of character that you require out of life and have combined these into a consistent whole to form characters necessary to your playlet4 ,therefore1 you must be careful to make each character uniform throughout4 ,you must not demand of any character anything you have not laid down in the premises of your problem--which presupposes that each character possesses certain definite and logical characteristics which make the plot what it is4 ,bearing this single requirement firmly in mind1 you must so motivate your plot that everything which occurs to a character rises out of that character's personality2 you must make the crisis the outward evidence of his inner being and the change which comes through the climax the result of inner change4 ,this was considered in the chapters on the dramatic and on plot construction and expressed when ,i said3 ,it is the meaning hidden in the events that makes the dramatic4 ,it is this inner meaning that lies in the soul of the character himself which marks the change in his own character and his own outward life4 ,,iv4 ,,characterization ,how a playwright delineates character in the persons of his playlet1 is at once the easiest thing to explain and the most difficult for which to lay down helpful methods1 for while the novelist and the short-story writer have three ways of telling their readers what manner of man it is in whom he asks interest1 the dramatist has but two4 #a4 ,methods of ,characterization ,first1 a playwright may build up a characterization by having one character tell another what sort of a person the third is4 ,second1 he may make the character show by his own speech and actions what he is4 ,this latter is the dramatic way1 and peculiarly the playlet way4 ,as the first method is perfectly plain in itself1 ,i shall dismiss it with the suggestive warning that even this essentially undramatic method must partake of the dramatic to be most effective3 to get the most out of one character's describing a second to a third1 the reason for the disclosure must be bone-and-brawn a part of the action4 ,the two elements of the dramatic method are3 ,first1 the character may disclose his inner being by his own words1 and second1 by his actions4 ,the first is so intimately connected with the succeeding chapter on dialogue that ,i shall postpone its consideration until then and discuss here the disclosure of character through action4 ,when you meet a man whom you have never met before1 you carry away with you a somewhat complete impression4 ,even though he has spoken but a word or two1 his appearance first of all1 the cut of his clothes1 his human twinkle1 the way he lights his cigar1 the courteous way in which he gives precedence to another1 or his rough way of butting into a conversation1 all combine to give him a personality distinct from every other man's4 ,what he does not disclose of himself by actions1 you read into his personality yourself4 ,first impressions are the strongest1 is a common saying--we make them strong by reading character on sight1 by jumping at conclusions4 ,man does not need to have a whole life laid before him to form a judgment4 ,little things are what drive character impressions home4 ,it is this human trait of which the playwright makes use in the delineation of character4 ,the playlet writer has even less time than the legitimate dramatist to stamp character4 ,he must seize on the essentials1 and with a few broad strokes make the character live as distinct from all other men4 ,for much of his characterization--aside from that absolutely inherent in the plot--the playlet writer depends upon the actor4 ,by the use of costumes and of make-up1 the age and station in life1 even the business by which a character earns his daily bread1 are made clear at a glance4 ,and by the trick of a twitching mouth1 a trembling hand1 or a cunningly humble glance1 the inner being is laid bare1 with the help of a few vital words which are made to do duty to advance the story as well4 ,in a word1 the playwright and the actor work in partnership1 with broad strokes1 relying upon the eager imagination of the audience to amplify the tiny sketch into a well-rounded1 full personality4 ,this is the method simply stated4 ,it does not admit of the laying down of precepts4 #b4 ,the ,choice of ,names ,in the old days of vaudeville the persons of a playlet were often named to fit their most prominent characteristic2 for instance1 a sneaky fellow would be named ,sam ,sly1 and a pretty girl ,madge ,dimples4 ,but with the change in fashion in the long play1 the playlet has relegated this symbolical method of naming characters to burlesque and the lurid types of melodrama1 and even there it is going out of fashion4 ,today1 names are carefully chosen to seem as life-like as do the characters themselves4 ,instead of trying to express characteristics by a name1 the very opposite effect is sought1 except when the character would in real life have a monicker1 or the naming of the character in the old way would serve to relate the act more closely to its form and awaken pleasing reminiscences4 #a ,the method today is to select a name that shall fit a character in a general way and yet be so unobtrusive that it will not be remarked4 #a ,see ,the ,system and ,my ,old ,kentucky ,home1 in the ,appendix4 ,simple names are always the best4 ,the shorter they are the better--usually nicknames1 if true to life and the character1 have a homey sort of sound that is worth securing4 ,bill1 and ,jack1 and ,madge1 and ,flo1 or anyone of a hundred others1 sound less formidable than ,william1 and ,james1 and ,margaret1 and ,florence4 ,names that are long and romantic are usually amusing2 merely listen to ,algernon1 ,hortense1 and ,reginald ,montmorency1 and you have to smile--and not always with pleasure4 ,but for a name to be simple or short or unromantic does not solve the problem for all cases4 ,a long romantic name might be the very best one you could choose for a certain character4 #a ,the name you should select depends on what effect you wish to secure4 ,no one can tell you just what name to choose for a character you alone have in mind4 #a ,see ,the ,villain ,still ,pursued ,her in the ,appendix4 ,but do not make the mistake of pondering too long over the naming of your characters4 ,it is not the name that counts1 it is the character himself1 and behind it all the action that has brought the character into being--your gripping plot4 ,and now1 let us sum up this brief discussion of characters and characterization before we pass on to a consideration of dialogue4 ,because of time-restriction1 a playlet must depend for interest upon plot rather than upon character4 ,the average number of persons in a playlet is four4 ,interesting characters are to be found everywhere1 and the playlet writer can delineate those he rubs elbows with better than those he does not know well and therefore cannot fully understand4 ,the same unity demanded of a plot is required of a character--characters must be consistent4 ,characterization is achieved by the dramatic method of letting actions speak for themselves1 is done in broad strokes growing out of the plot itself1 and is conveyed in close partnership with the actor by working on the minds of the audience who take a meagre first impression and instantly build it up into a full portrait4 ,,chapter ,,xvi ,,dialogue ,,in ,,the ,,playlet ,we have now come to one of the least important elements of the playlet--yet a decorative element which wit and cleverness can make exceedingly valuable4 ,if it is true that scenery is the habitation in which the playlet moves1 that its problem is the heart beating with life1 that the dramatic is the soul which shines with meaning through the whole1 that plot is the playlet's skeleton which is covered by the flesh of the characters--then the dialogue is1 indeed1 merely a playlet's clothes4 ,clothes do not make a man1 but the world gives him a readier welcome who wears garments that fit well and are becoming4 ,this is the whole secret of dialogue--speeches that fit well and are becoming4 #a4 ,what is ,dialogue8 ,it has been said that ,romeo and ,juliet played in ,english in any country would be enjoyed by everyone1 even though they could not understand a word of what was said4 ,there is a story told about a ,slav in ,pennsylvania who could not speak one word of ,english1 but who happened to come up from his work as a laborer in a coal mine just as the people were filing in to the performance of ,the ,two ,orphans1 and as he had nothing in particular to do1 in he went--and nearly broke up the performance by the loudness of his sobbing4 ,i shall never forget an experience of my own1 when ,i took a good ,french friend to see ,david ,warfield in ,the ,music ,master2 this young chap could not understand more than a word here and there1 but we were compelled to miss the last act because he cried so hard during the famous lost-daughter scene that he was ashamed to enter the theatre after the intermission4 ,every great play is1 in the last analysis1 a pantomime4 ,words are unnecessary to tell a stage story that has its wellspring deep in the emotions of the human heart4 ,words can only embellish it4 ,a great pantomimist--a ,mlle4 ,dazie1 who played ,sir ,james ,m4 ,barrie's ,the ,pantaloon in vaudeville without speaking a word2 a ,pavlowa1 who dances her stories into the hearts of her audience2 a ,joe ,jackson1 who makes his audiences roar with laughter and keeps them convulsed throughout his entire act1 with the aid of a dilapidated bicycle1 a squeaky auto horn and a persistently annoying cuff--does not need words to tell a story4 ,the famous ,french playwright ,scribe--perhaps the most ingenious craftsman the ,french stage has ever seen--used to say1 ,when my subject is good1 when my scenario 7plot7 is very clear1 very complete1 ,i might have the play written by my servant2 he would be sustained by the situation2--and the play would succeed4 ,plutarch tells us that ,menander1 the master of ,greek comedy1 was once asked about his new play1 and he answered3 ,it is composed and ready2 ,i have only the verses 7dialogue7 to write4 #a #a ,reported in ,a ,study of the ,drama1 by ,brander ,matthews4 ,if it is true that a great play1 being in its final analysis a pantomime1 is effective without dialogue1 and if some famous dramatists thought so little of dialogue that they considered their plays all written before they wrote the dialogue1 then speech must be something that has little comparative value--something primarily employed to aid the idea behind it1 to add emphasis to plot--not to exist for itself4 #b4 ,the ,uses of ,dialogue ,dialogue makes the dramatic story clear1 advances it1 reveals character1 and wins laughter--all by five important means3 7a7 ,dialogue ,conveys ,information of ,basic ,events at the ,opening4 ,as we saw in the discussion of the structural elements of plot1 there are of necessity some points in the basic incidents chosen for the story of a playlet that have their roots grounded in the past4 ,upon a clear understanding of these prior happenings which must be explained immediately upon the rise of the curtain1 depends the effect of the entire sequence of events and1 consequently1 the final and total effect of the playlet4 ,to get this information over the characters are made to tell of them as dramatically as possible4 ,for instance3 ,angela ,maxwell knocks on ,miss ,carey's door the instant the curtain rises on ,the ,lollard1 and as soon as ,miss ,carey opens the door ,angela says3 ,listen1 you don't know me1 but ,i've just left my husband4 ,and the dialogue goes on to tell why she left ,harry1 clearly stating the events that the audience must know in order to grasp the meaning of those that follow4 ,at the very beginning of a playlet the dialogue must be especially clear1 vividly informing and condensed4 ,by condensed1 ,i meant the dialogue must be tense1 and supported by swift action--it must without delay have done with the unavoidable explanations1 and quickly get into the rising movement of events4 7b7 ,dialogue ,brings out the ,incidents ,clearly4 ,never forgetting that action makes dialogue but that dialogue never makes action1 let us take the admirable surprise ending of ,the ,system1 for an example3 ,the ,inspector has left1 after giving ,the ,eel and ,goldie their freedom and advising them to clear out and start life anew4 ,the audience knows they are in hard straits financially4 ,how are they going to secure the money to get away from town8 ,goldie expresses it concisely3 ,well1 we're broke again 7tearfully74 ,we can't go ,west now1 so there's no use packing4 ,this speech is like a sign-post that points out the condition the events have made them face4 ,and then like a sign-post that points the other way1 it adds emphasis to the flash of the surprise and the solution when ,the ,eel1 stealthily making sure no one will see him and no one can hear him1 comes down to ,goldie1 sitting forlornly on the trunk1 taps her on the shoulder and shows her ,dugan's red wallet4 ,of course1 the audience knows that the wallet spells the solution of all their problems1 but ,the ,eel clinches it by saying1 ,go right ahead and pack4 ,out of this we may draw one observation which is at least interesting1 if not illuminating3 ,when an audience accepts the premises of a playlet without question1 it gives over many of its emotions and most of its reasoning power into the author's hands4 ,therefore the author must think for his audience and keenly suggest by dialogue that something is about to happen1 show it as happening1 and make it perfectly clear by dialogue that it has actually happened4 ,this is the use to which dialogue is put most tellingly--bringing out the incidents in clear relief and at the very same time interpreting them cunningly4 7c7 ,dialogue ,reveals ,character ,humanly4 ,character is tried1 developed and changed not by dialogue1 but by action2 yet the first intimate suggestion of character is shown in dialogue2 and its trials1 development and change are brought into clear relief--just as events1 of which character-change is the vital part1 are made unmistakably clear--by the often illuminating word that fits precisely4 ,as ,j4 ,berg ,esenwein says1 ,just as human interest is the heart of the narrative1 so human speech is its most vivid expression4 ,in everyday life we do not know a man until we have heard him speak4 ,then our first impressions are either confirmed1 modified1 or totally upset4 #a #a ,writing the ,short-,slory1 page #bdg4 ,it is by making all of his characters talk alike that the novice is betrayed1 whereas in giving each character individuality of speech as well as of action the master dramatist is revealed4 ,while it is permissible for two minor characters to possess a hazy likeness of speech1 because they are so unimportant that the audience will not pay much attention to them1 the playlet writer must give peculiar individuality to every word spoken by the chief characters4 ,by this ,i do not mean that1 merely to show that a character is different1 a hero or heroine should be made to talk with a lisp or to use some catch-word--though this is sometimes done with admirable effect4 ,what ,i mean is that the words given to the chief characters must possess an individuality rising from their inner differences2 their speech should show them as not only different from each other1 but also different from every other character in the playlet--in the whole world1 if possible--and their words should be just the words they and no others would use in the circumstances4 ,if you will remember that you must give to the dialogue of your chief characters a unity as complete as you must give to plot and character as shown through action1 you will evade many dialogue dangers4 ,this will not only help you to give individuality to each character1 but also save you from making a character use certain individual expressions at one time and then at another talk in the way some other character has spoken4 ,furthermore1 strict observance of this rule should keep you from putting into the mouth of a grown man1 who is supposed to be most manly1 expressions only a sissy would use2 or introducing a character as a wise man and permitting him to talk like a fool4 ,as in life1 so in dialogue--consistency is a test of worth4 ,keep your own personality out of the dialogue4 ,remember that your characters and not you are doing the talking4 ,you have laid down a problem in your playlet1 and your audience expects it to fulfill its promise dramatically--that is1 by a mimicry of life4 ,so it does not care to listen to one man inhabiting four bodies and talking like a quartet of parrots4 ,it wants to hear four different personalities talk with all the individuality that life bestows so lavishly--in life4 ,you will find little difficulty in keeping your individuality out of dialogue if you will only remember that you cannot write intelligently of characters you do not know4 ,make use of the characters nearest you1 submerge yourself in their individualities1 and you will then be so interested in them that you will forget yourself and end by making the characters of your playlet show themselves in their dialogue as individual1 enthrallingly entertaining1 new1 and--what is the final test of all dialogue--convincing4 7d7 ,dialogue ,wins ,laughter4 ,there are three sources from which laughter rises out of dialogue4 ,first1 from the word that is a witticism1 existing for its own sake4 ,second1 from the word that is an intensely individual expression of character--the character-revealing phrase4 ,third1 the word that is funny because it is spoken at the right instant in the action4 ,all three have a place in the playlet1 but the last1 the dialogue that rises out of and illuminates a situation1 is productive of the best results4 ,this is but another way of saying what cannot be too often repeated1 that the playlet is plot4 #a #a ,see ,chapter ,v1 in which humor was discussed in relation to the monologue4 ,even in dialect1 dialogue does not bother with anything much but plot-expression of character4 ,indicate the odd twist of a character's thoughts as clearly as you can1 but never try to reproduce all his speech phonetically4 ,if you do1 you will end disastrously1 for your manuscript will look like a scrambled alphabet which nobody can decipher4 ,in writing dialect merely suggest the broken ,english here and there--follow the method so clearly shown in ,the ,german ,senator4 ,remember that the actor who will be engaged to play the part has studied the expression of that particular type all his life4 ,his method of conveying what you intend is likely to be different from your method4 ,trust him--for you must4 7e7 ,dialogue ,advances the ,action and ,rounds ,out the ,plot4 ,precisely in the way that incidents are brought out clearly by dialogue1 dialogue advances the action and rounds out the plot at the curtain4 ,clear as ,i hope the method has been made1 ,i wish to point out two dialogue peculiarities which come with the rise of emotion4 ,first1 as the action quickens1 there inevitably occurs a compression inherent in the dramatic that is felt by the dialogue4 ,joe ,maxwell's epitome of vaudeville as he once expressed it to me in a most suggestive discussion of the two-a-day1 illustrates this point better1 perhaps1 than a chapter would explain3 ,vaudeville is meat1 he said1 the meat of action1 the meat of words4 ,there is no time in vaudeville climaxes for one word that does not point out1 or clinch home the action4 ,here action speaks louder than words4 ,furthermore1 in the speed of bodily movement there is actually no time for words4 ,if two men are grappling in a life and death struggle they can't stop for speech4 ,and second1 as the playlet nears its ending there is no need for explanatory words--if the preceding action has been dramatic4 ,every new situation rises out of the old1 the audience knows it all now1 they even foresee the climax1 and1 in a well constructed playlet1 they feel the coming-to-an-end thrill that is in the air4 ,what need is there for dialogue8 ,only a need for the clearing1 clinching kind1 and for ,the ,finish ,line4 ,while the last-speech of a playlet is bone of the bone and blood of the blood of plot1 the finish line is peculiarly a part of dialogue4 ,it is here1 in the last line1 that the tragic has a strangely illuminating force and the comic must be given full play4 ,indeed1 a comedy act that does not end in a scream is hardly worth anything4 ,and1 as comedy acts are most in demand in vaudeville1 ,i shall relate this discussion solely to the comic ending4 ,here it is1 then1 in the last line of a comedy act1 that the whole action is rounded neatly off with a full play of fancy--with emphasis on the use of wit4 ,of course ,i do not mean that the last line may be permitted to stray away from the playlet and crack an unrelated joke4 ,but the last line1 being a completing line1 may return to some incident earlier than the closing action4 ,it may with full profit even go back to the introduction1 as ,the ,lollard's last line takes ,miss ,carey back to her interrupted sleep with1 ,now1 thank ,gawd1 ,i'll get a little sleep4 ,or it may be merely a quaint line1 like that which ended a very successful playlet which has stuck in my memory1 but whose title ,i have forgotten4 ,here the sweethearts were brought together1 they flew into each other's arms1 they kissed4 ,naturally the curtain was on that kiss1 but no--they drew apart and the girl rubbed her lips with the back of her hand4 ,aw1 said the boy1 what you rubbing it off for8 ,and the girl1 half-crying1 half-laughing1 answered1 ,i ain't rubbing it off2 ,i'm rubbing it in6 ,or the last line may be a character line1 rounding back to the opening1 perhaps1 but having its mainspring in character1 like the last line of ,the ,village ,lawyer3 ,well1 he sighs--as he watches the money with which he could have satisfied his longing to buy a clarionet1 disappear--,maybe ,i couldn't play the darned thing anyway6 #a #a ,chapter ,,xv1 section ,i4 ,example after example might be quoted to illustrate every possible variation1 yet in the end we would come to the very same conclusions these four instances reveal4 ,the finish line is the concluding thought of the action4 ,it may round back to the opening plainly2 bring out sharply the most prominent point developed2 vividly present a pleasing side-light with a punch2 illuminate a character point2 take some completing element and twist it into a surprise-- indeed1 the finish line may present anything at all1 so long as it thrills with human interest and laughter4 #c4 ,fit and ,becoming ,dialogue ,in playlet dialogue there is as much need of the dramatic spirit as in the playlet plot4 ,not what is said in real life1 but what must be said to express the action concisely1 is its aim4 ,playlet dialogue cannot take time to reproduce small talk4 ,it must connote1 not denote1 even the big things4 ,to omit is more important than to include4 ,a whole life must be compressed into a single speech and entire stages of progression be epitomized in a single sentence4 ,true enough1 in really big scenes a character may rise to lofty expression2 but of all playlet moments1 here sane selection and compression are most vital4 ,the wind of talk must be made compressed air4 ,conversation for conversation's sake is the one thing1 above all others that stamps a playlet as in vain4 ,i have seen producing manager after producing manager run through manuscripts to select for careful reading the ones with short speeches4 ,those weighty with long speeches were returned unread4 ,why8 ,because experience had taught them that a playlet filled with long speeches is likely to be filled with little else4 ,they realize that conversation as an art died the day the first automobile did the mile in sixty flat4 ,speed is what the playlet needs1 and talk slows the track4 ,in the classic words of vaudeville1 if you must talk1 hire a hall4 ,where is it you hear more clever lines than anywhere else8 ,in vaudeville4 ,where is it that slang hits the hardest8 ,in vaudeville4 ,on what stage do people talk more nearly like you and ,i talk8 ,the vaudeville stage4 ,for vaudeville is up-to-the-minute--vaudeville is the instant's dramatic review4 ,and it is this speech of the instant that playlet dialogue needs-- the short1 sharp1 seemingly thoughtless but vividly pulsating words of everyday life4 ,if today men talked in long speeches filled with grandiloquent periods1 the playlet would mimic their length and tone1 but men today do not speak that way and the playlet must mimic today's shortness and crispness4 ,as ,alexander ,black says1 ,the language of the moment is the bridge2 that carries us straight to the heart of the whole world1 and all the past4 ,life or fancy that comes in the language of the moment comes to us translated4 ,fantastically1 the language of the street is always close to the bones of art4 ,it is always closer to the ,bible and to all the big fellows than the language of the drawing rooms4 ,art is only the expression of ideas4 ,ideas1 emotions1 impulses1 are more important than the medium1 just as religion is more important than theology4 ,there is just as much excuse for saying 'theology for its own sake' as for saying 'art for art's sake4' ,the joy of a new word should make us grateful for the fertility of the street out of which most of the really strong words come4 ,the street doesn't make us fine1 but it keeps us from being too sweet and thin4 ,it loves the punch4 ,and the punch clears the path4 ,it is the punch in dialogue that the playlet demands4 ,before we agree upon what is fit and becoming dialogue1 ,i think it advisable to condense into a few words all that ,i have said on the subject4 ,in its final analysis a playlet is a pantomime4 ,dialogue is primarily employed to add emphasis to the plot4 ,it does this by conveying information of basic events at the opening2 by bringing out the succeeding incidents clearly2 by revealing character humanly2 by winning laughter2 by advancing the action2 and by rounding out the plot in a finish line which thrills with human interest and1 in the comedy playlet1 with laughter4 ,and now1 what is fit and becoming dialogue8 ,fit dialogue is--what fits the plot exactly4 ,becoming dialogue is--what makes the plot seem even better4 ,but dialogue cannot make plot better1 it can only make it seem better--it can only dress it4 ,remember that4 ,,chapter ,,xvii ,,business ,,in ,,the ,,playlet ,in considering the business of the playlet1 we have come to the place where it would seem that writing must be left behind and the function of the producer entered upon4 ,for business is the detail of stage action and movement4 ,but1 while it is the peculiar function of the producer to invent and to incorporate into the playlet little bits of everyday movements of the characters to lend the effect of real life to the mimic picture1 it is the province of the writer--in reducing his words to the lowest possible number1 in an effort to secure that economy of attention which is the foundation of all art--to tell as much of his story as he can by actions that speak even louder than words4 ,every great playwright is as much a producer as he is a writer4 ,as we saw in ,chapter ,,vii1 business includes every movement an actor makes while he is on the stage4 ,thus a facial expression may be called business1 if it lends a peculiar significance to a line4 ,and a wild leap of a man on horseback through a window--this has actually been done in a vaudeville act--is also called business4 ,in fact everything1 from mugging1 #a walking about1 sitting down1 picking up a handkerchief1 taking off or putting on a coat1 to the wordless scenes into which large parts of the story are condensed and made clear solely by situation--everything is called business4 ,but to differentiate the actor's part from the work of the playwright1 ,i shall arbitrarily call every action which is as indivisible from acting as facial play1 pantomime2 while ,i shall employ the word business to express the use of movement by the playwright for the purpose of condensing large parts of the story and telling it wordlessly4 #a ,mugging1 considered by some to be one of the lowest forms of comedy1 is bidding for laughter by facial contortions unrelated to the action or the lines--making the scene subservient to the comical faces made by the actor4 #a4 ,the ,part ,business ,plays in the ,dramatic #b #b ,the impossibility of keeping separate the designing and the writing of business1 will be seen as the chapter progresses1 therefore ,i shall treat both freely in one4 ,let us turn to that part of the third scene of ,the ,system where ,the ,eel and ,goldie--who have been given their liberty with a string to it by ,inspector ,mc,carthy in his anxiety to catch ,officer ,dugan red-handed--are up against it in their efforts to get away from town4 ,they have talked it all over in ,goldie's flat and ,the ,eel has gone out to borrow the money from ,isaacson1 the fence4 ,now when ,the ,eel closes ,goldie's door and runs downstairs1 ,goldie listens intently until the outer door slams1 then begins to pack4 ,she opens the trunk first1 gets her jacket from the couch where she has thrown it1 puts it in the trunk and then goes up into the bedroom and gets a skirt4 ,she shakes the skirt as she comes down stage4 ,then a long1 low whistle is heard--then the rapping of a policeman's club4 ,bulls6 she gasps4 ,looking up at the light burning1 she turns it out and closes the trunk at the same time4 ,and she stands still until she sees the shadow of a man's hand cast by the moonlight on the wall4 ,then she gives a frightened exclamation and cowers on the sofa4 ,here we have packed into little more than sixty seconds a revelation of the fear in which all crooks live1 the unthinking faith and love ,goldie bears ,the ,eel1 and a quiet moment which emphasizes the rush of the preceding events--a space also adding punch to the climax of incidents which follow hot upon its heels4 ,when the long1 low whistle sounds and the policeman's club raps out its alarm1 the audience feels that the action is filled with tense meaning--,the ,eel has been caught4 ,that hand on the wall is like a coming event casting its shadow before1 and when ,goldie gives her frightened exclamation and cowers on the couch1 her visible fear--coming in contrast to her commonplace packing to get away--builds up the scene into a thrill that is capped by the meaningful window entrance of ,dugan4 ,ah6 says the audience1 here's the first time they've gotten together alone4 ,it's the first time we've really seen that ,dugan is behind it all4 ,something big is going to happen4 ,all of these revealing flashes1 which illumine like searchlights1 are told by movement4 ,the only word that is spoken is ,goldie's cry ,bulls6 ,the only other sounds are the whistle and the rapping of the club4 ,but if ,goldie had taken up the time with telling the audience how glad she was to pack and get away with ,the ,eel to a new life1 and if she had expressed her fear by bewailing the hardness of fate--the dramatic effect would have been lost4 ,do you see how words can kill and soundless movements vivify8 ,in ,the ,lollard1 when ,miss ,carey wants to disillusionize ,angela1 she does not sit down and argue her out of her insane infatuation for ,fred2 nor does she tell ,angela that ,fred is a lollard and weakly unmask him by describing his lollard points4 ,she cries ,fire6 ,fire6 ,fire6 ,whereupon ,fred dashes out on the stage and ,angela and the audience with their own eyes behold ,fred as a lollard4 ,here the whole problem of the playlet is solved in a flash4 ,not one word of explanatory dialogue is needed4 ,in ,three of a ,kind1 a comedy playlet produced by ,roland ,west1 two crooks fleece a sucker and agree to leave the money in a middle room while they sleep in opposite rooms4 ,they say they trust each other implicitly1 but each finds a pretext to sit up and watch that money himself4 ,the comedy rises from their movements around the room as they try to outmaneuver each other4 ,these three examples plainly show how movement1 unexplained by dialogue1 may be used to condense a middle action1 a climax1 and an opening4 ,now1 if you will turn to the surprise ending of ,the ,system--which has been discussed before in its relation to dialogue--you will see how business may condense an ending4 ,indeed1 the very essence of the surprise ending lies in this dramatic principle4 ,of course1 how the condensation of story into movement is to be made in any given case depends upon the material1 and the writer's purpose4 ,but as a part of the problem let us see #b4 ,how ,pantomime ,helps to ,condense ,story and ,illumine ,character ,consider the inimitable gesture the ,latins use when they wish to express their helplessness4 ,the shoulders shrug until the man seems folding into himself1 his hands come together approaching his face and then he drops them despairingly to his side as if he would say3 ,but what can ,i do8 ,a gesture such as this reveals in a flash the depths of a human soul4 ,volumes could say no more4 ,this is what the actor may bring to your playlet1 and what you1 with the greatest caution1 may sometimes--though rarely--indicate in your manuscript4 ,walk up stage1 said ,david ,belasco to an actor who was proving difficult1 and when you turn your back1 get some meaning into it4 ,make your back express--the whole play1 if you can4 ,most certainly you would not write this in the directions for a playlet--the producer would laugh at it and the actor would be indignant4 ,but you might with the greatest helpfulness direct that the character turn his back--and this is the point of the problem--if1 by turning his back on some one1 the character conveys1 say1 contempt for or fearlessness of an enemy's bravado4 ,every direction for acting in your playlet must be of such a kind that anyone can convey the meaning--because the emphasis is inherent in the situation4 ,a stage direction ought not to depend for its value on the actor's ability4 ,if this were not so1 play writing would consist chiefly in engaging fine actors4 ,when an actor receives a part he studies it not only to learn the lines1 but with the desire to familiarize himself with the character so thoroughly that he may not seem to be playing it4 ,he hopes to make the audience feel that the character is alive4 ,for this reason1 it is not amiss to indicate characteristic actions once in a while4 ,a good example of this is found in ,the ,lollard1 where ,angela says to ,miss ,carey3 ,but--excuse me--how do you know so many different kinds of men if you've never been married8 ,boarders1 says ,miss ,carey quickly4 ,to make ends meet1 ,i've always had to have a male boarder since ,i was left an orphan4 ,she rises--turns her back to audience--gives a touch to her pigtail1 during laugh on this line4 ,this business always builds laugh1 say the directions4 ,it is such little touches that stamp a character as individual2 and therefore they are just the little touches the playwright may add to his manuscript by way of suggestion to the actor4 ,they may be very helpful1 indeed1 but they should be made with great care and discretion4 ,for the actor1 if he is a capable performer1 is ready when rehearsal begins with many suggestions of a like nature4 ,he will often suggest something that will not only exhibit character clearly1 but will also condense story by eliminating needless words and movement4 ,for instance3 ,f4 ,f4 ,mackay was rehearsing to play the ,french count in the famous old play1 ,one of ,our ,girls4 ,mr4 ,bronson ,howard had directed in his manuscript that the count1 when struck across the face with a glove by an ,english officer1 should become very violent and angry1 in accordance with the popular notion of an excitable ,frenchman's character4 ,but ,mr4 ,mackay1 says ,daniel ,frohman1 argued that the ,french count1 having been shown in the play to be an expert duellist with both the rapier and the pistol1 and having faced danger frequently1 was not liable to lose control of himself4 ,mr4 ,howard readily saw the point4 ,the result was one of the most striking situations in the ,american drama2 for the ,frenchman received the insult without the movement of a muscle4 ,he stood rigid4 ,only the flash of the eye for an instant revealed his emotion4 ,then the audience saw his face grow red1 and then pale4 ,this was followed by the quiet announcement from the count that he would send his seconds to see the ,englishman4 ,this exhibition of facial emotion betrayed by the visible rush of blood to the actor's face was frequently noted at the time4 ,it was a muscular trick1 ,mr4 ,mackay told me4 ,he put on a tight collar for the scene and strained his neck against it until the blood tame1 and when he released the pressure1 and the blood receded1 the effect was reached4 ,it was a splendid moment1 and it is one of the many effects that have been studied out during the progress and development of a play during rehearsals4 ,it is for the great majority of such little touches1 therefore1 that the playwright must depend on the actor and the producer to add to his playlet4 ,however1 the playwright may help to the limit of his ability1 by giving very short1 very carefully thought out directions in his manuscript4 ,but it is much better for the novice to disregard suggestions to the actor for character analysis and even to be sparing with his hints for facial expressions or slight movements--and to content himself with an effort to condense his story in the broader ways4 #c4 ,how ,tediously ,long ,speeches may be ,broken up by ,movement ,as the playlet is primarily action1 and as the audience expects the playlet to keep moving all the time1 it is a common practise to try to trick the audience into believing every speech is vibrant with emotional force1 by keeping the actors moving about the stage4 ,but the fact that a really vital speech may be killed by a movement which distracts the attention of the audience ought to be proof positive that needless movements about the stage are merely a confession of poverty in the playlet4 ,nevertheless1 as a long explanatory speech seems sometimes unavoidable1 ,i devote two or three short paragraphs to what has saved some playlets from absolute failure4 ,if you are unable to tell every bit of your story by dramatic means and therefore face a long speech that may seem tiresomely wordy1 break it up with natural movements which lend a feeling of homely reality to the scene4 ,for instance1 don't let the character who is delivering that long speech tell it all uninterruptedly from the chair in which he is sitting4 ,let him rise after he has spoken two or three sentences and cross to the other character1 or do something that will illustrate a point in his story1 or have the one who is listening interrupt now and then4 ,inject motive into the interruptions if you can2 but in any event1 keep your characters moving4 ,but make the movements natural4 ,to this end1 study the movements of the men and women about you4 ,try to invent new ways of expressing the old things in movement4 ,strive not so much to be different1 as to be vividly interesting4 ,you can make the movements of your characters about the stage as brilliant as dialogue4 ,above all1 make sure that you do not let your characters wander about the stage aimlessly4 ,to make it a complete unity every little scene demands as careful thought as does the entire playlet4 ,a playlet may be suggestively defined as a number of minute-long playlets moving vividly one after the other to make a vivid whole4 ,remember this1 and you may be able to save a tiresome scene from ruining the entire effect of your playlet4 #d4 ,why ,business is ,more ,productive of ,comedy than ,dialogue ,as a playlet is nothing if it is not action1 so a comedy playlet is nothing if its comedy does not develop from situations4 ,by action1 as the word is used here1 ,i mean that the story of the playlet is told by the movements of its characters4 ,in real life1 you know1 comedy and tragedy do not come from what persons say they are going to do--but from what they actually do4 ,therefore1 the merry jests that one character perpetrates upon another must be told not in words1 but by showing the character actually perpetrating them on the victim4 ,in a comedy playlet1 the playwright must be a practical joker4 ,every funny happening in a playlet is a scene that must be shown4 ,for instance1 in ,billy's ,tombstones1 the football player who is in love with the girl1 whom he has followed half around the world1 is shown first as losing his tombstones--his false teeth1 made necessary by the loss of his real ones in a famous college game2 then he is shown in his wild efforts to pronounce his sweetheart's name without the dental help4 ,much of the comedy arises from his efforts to pronounce that loved name--and the climax comes when the lost tombstones are found and ,billy proposes to her in perfect speech that lingers fondly on her name4 ,in farce--particularly in the old farces which depended on mistaken identity1 a motive force considered hardly worthy of use today--the comedy arises very rarely from a witty saying in itself4 ,the fun usually depends upon the humorous situations that develop4 ,the ,new ,coachman--one of those old farcical screams--contained an exceptionally fine example of this point and is pertinent to-day because it had no relation to mistaken identity in this humorous scene4 ,here the best fun of the comedy came from the use of a stepladder by the supposed coachman1 who got all tangled up in it4 ,after the first misstep with that stepladder1 there was never any time for more than a word here and there4 ,of course1 such a scene depends upon the actor almost entirely1 and therefore cannot be indicated in the business by the playwright1 but ,i use it for an example because it is a peculiarly brilliant instance of the fact that hearty laughter depends not on hearing1 but on seeing4 ,but do not make the mistake of trying to patch together a comedy playlet from the bits of funny stage business you have seen in other acts4 ,if you present such a manuscript to a producer you may be very sure it will be refused1 for there are plenty of producers and performers in vaudeville who can supply such an act at a moment's notice from memory4 ,the sort of comedy expected from the playwright is comedy that develops from situation4 ,it is in the invention of new situations and new business to fit these situations that the playlet writer finds his reward in production and profit4 #e4 ,entrances1 ,exits and the ,stage-,cross ,among the many definitions of drama--frequently misleading1 but equally often helpful--there is one which holds the whole art of play writing lies in getting the characters on the stage naturally and effectively and getting them off again--naturally and effectively4 ,but1 even the most daring of definition makers has not yet told us how this is to be accomplished in all cases4 ,the fact is1 no one can tell us1 because a method that would be natural and effective in a given playlet1 would very likely be most unnatural and ineffective in another4 ,all that can be said is that the same dramatic sense with which you have constructed the story of your playlet will carry you forward in the inevitable entrances and exits4 ,how these moments are to be effective1 lies in the very nature of the story you are telling4 ,this is boldly begging the question1 but it is all that may with honest helpfulness be said4 ,however1 regarding the stage-cross1 and allied movements of the actors1 there are two suggestions that may be helpful4 ,the first is founded on the old theory that a scene ought to be dressed all the time--that is1 if one character moves across the stage1 the other ought to move a little up stage to give him room to cross and should then move down on the opposite side1 to keep the scene dressed or balanced4 ,but no hard and fast rule can be given1 even for the stage-cross4 ,if it seems the easy and natural thing for the characters to do this1 all well and good4 ,but you should feel no compulsion about it and really should give to the matter but little thought4 ,the second is based on the common-sense understanding at which you yourself will arrive if you will take the trouble to notice how the slightest movement made by one of two persons to whom you are telling a story distracts the other's attention4 ,briefly1 never indicate business for a character during the moments when short and vitally important speeches are conveying information to the audience4 ,both of these minor suggestions may be summed up in this sentence with which ,i shall dismiss the subject3 ,the box sets in which the playlet is played in vaudeville are usually not very deep and are so arranged that every part of the scene is in plain view from practically every seat in the house1 therefore you may forget that your story is being played in a mimic room and may make your characters move as if the room were real4 ,if you will only keep in mind you should have little trouble4 #f4 ,how ,business is ,indicated in ,manuscript ,in the old days before the boxed set1 the manuscript of a play bristled with such cryptic signs as ,r4 ,u4 ,e41 and ,l4 ,f4 ,e41 meaning1 when reduced to everyday ,english1 right upper entrance1 left first entrance1 and the like4 ,but as the old entrances of the stage have been lost with the introduction of the box set1 which closely mimics a real room--being1 indeed1 a room with the fourth wall removed--the modern stage directions are much simpler4 ,right door1 centre door1 left door1 are the natural directions to be found in a playlet manuscript today4 ,it is a good general rule to avoid in your stage directions expressions which show you are dealing with a stage scene and not a scene of real life4 ,in the first place1 if you attempt to be technical1 you are very likely to be over-technical and confusing4 ,in the second place1 you will be more likely to produce a life-like playlet if you are not forever groping among strange terms1 which make you conscious all the time that you are dealing with unreality4 ,therefore choose the simplest directions1 expressed in the fewest possible words1 to indicate the effects you have carefully thought out3 ,never forget that reality and simplicity go hand in hand4 ,and now it may be of advantage to sum up what has been said about stage business in this chapter4 ,we have seen how business may be used to condense the story of a playlet2 how business is often--though not always--the very heart of the dramatic2 how pantomime may be skillfully used to condense salient parts of the playlet story and illumine character2 how business may be employed to break up a clumsy but necessarily long speech--thus sometimes saving a playlet from the failure of the tedious2--and why business is more productive of comedy than is dialogue4 ,we have concluded that the playlet writer must not ape what has already been done1 but can win success only in the measure he succeeds in bringing to his playlet new business which makes his new situations all the more vivid and vital4 ,finally1 we have seen that entrances and exits must be natural and effective1 and that all stage business should be conceived and thought of and indicated in the manuscript as simple expressions of reality4 ,with this chapter1 the six elements of a successful playlet have been discussed from the angle of exposition4 ,in the next chapter ,i shall make use of all this expository material and shall endeavor to show how playlets are actually written4 ,,chapter ,,xviii ,,writing ,,the ,,playlet ,while it is plain that no two writers ever have1 nor ever will1 go about writing a playlet in precisely the same way1 and impossible as it is to lay down rules which may be followed with precision to inevitable success1 ,i shall present some suggestions1 following the logical order of composition4 ,first1 however1 ,i must point out that you should study the vaudeville stage of this week1 not of last year or even of last month1 before you even entertain a germ idea for a playlet4 ,you should be sure before you begin even to think out your playlet1 that its problem is in full accord with the very best1 and that it will fit into vaudeville's momentary design with a completeness that will win for it an eager welcome4 ,you should inquire of yourself first1 ,is this a comedy or a serious playlet ,i am about to write8 ,and if the latter1 ,should ,i write a serious playlet8 ,one of vaudeville's keenest observers1 ,sime ,silverman1 editor of ,variety1 said when we were discussing this point3 ,nobody ought to write a tragic or even a serious playlet who can write anything else4 ,there are two or three reasons why4 ,first1 vaudeville likes laughter1 and while it may be made to like tears1 a teary playlet must be exceedingly well done to win4 ,second1 the serious playlet must be so well done and so well advertised that usually a big name is necessary to carry it to success2 and the 'name' demands so much money that it is sometimes impossible to engage an adequate supporting cast4 ,third1 the market for tragic and serious playlets is so small that there is only opportunity for the playlet master2 of course1 there sometimes comes an unknown with a great success1 like ',war ,brides1' #a but only rarely4 ,therefore1 ,i would advise the new writer to write comedy4 #a ,written by ,miss ,marion ,craig ,wentworth1 and played by ,olga ,nazimova4 ,miss ,nellie ,revell1 whom ,b4 ,f4 ,keith once called ,the ,big ,sister of ,vaudeville1 and who was ,vaudeville ,editor of the ,new ,york ,morning ,telegraph before becoming ,general ,press ,representative of the ,orpheum ,circuit1 summed up her years of experience as a critic in these words3 ,the new writer should first try his hand at a comedy playlet4 ,then after he has made a success of comedy1 or if he is sure he can't write anything but sobby playlets1 let him try to make an audience weep4 ,vaudeville1 like any other really human thing1 would rather laugh than cry1 yet if you make vaudeville cry finely1 it will still love you4 ,but a serious playlet must be mighty well done to get over--therein lies a stumbling block sometimes4 ,a few great artists can make vaudeville sob finely--but only a few4 ,comedy1 good comedy1 always gets by4 ,how many comedy playlets are there to one serious playlet in vaudeville8 ,i should say about ten to one4 ,that ought to convince anybody that comedy is the thing to write for vaudeville4 ,there have been many hybrid playlets which have combined tragedy and comedy to give some particular star an opportunity to show versatility in acting4 #a ,but some of these playlets have been merely vehicles for a personality1 and therefore cannot be considered in this discussion4 #a ,see ,chapter ,,xii1 section ,,ii1 topic #b4 ,on the other hand1 there have been some serious playlets which have had comedy twists1 or a light turn1 which brought the curtain down amid laughter that was perfectly logical and in good taste4 ,an example of the surprise ending that lightens the gloom is found in ,the ,bomb1 finely played by ,wilton ,lackaye1 in which the ,italian who so movingly confesses to the outrage is merely a detective in disguise1 trapping the real bomb thrower--and suddenly he unmasks4 ,if a serious playlet can be made to end with a light touch that is fitting1 it will have a better chance in vaudeville4 ,but this is one of the most difficult and dangerous effects to attempt4 ,the hazard is so great that success may come but once in many efforts4 #b #b ,see ,chapter ,,xiv1 section ,,ii1 topic #c4 ,since comedy should be the new writer's aim1 the following discussion1 while conceived with the broad view to illustrate the writing of the playlet in general1 brings into particular prominence the writing of comedy4 ,i4 ,,when ,,to ,,begin ,when should you begin to write your playlet8 ,assuming that you already have a germ idea1 the next step is to express your theme in a single short sentence1 and consider it as your playlet problem1 which must be proved logically1 clearly and conclusively4 ,to do this you must dovetail your incidents into a playlet plot2 but how far should you think out your playlet before beginning to set it down on paper8 #a4 ,the ,use of the ,scenario ,nearly all the playlet writers with whom ,i have talked during a period of more than five years have with surprising unanimity declared in favor of beginning with the scenario1 the summary of the dramatic action4 ,but they disagree as to the completeness with which the scenario should be drawn up4 ,some merely sketch the main outlines of the plot and leave to the moment of actual writing the details that often make it a success4 ,others write out a long scenario1 boiling it down to the essence for the stage version4 ,still other playlet writers carry their scenarios just far enough to make sure that they will not have to think about the details of plot when they set about writing the dialogue--they see that there is an effective reason for the entrance of each character and a clear motive for exit4 ,but1 however they disagree as to the completeness the scenario should show1 they all agree that the plot should be firmly fixed in its general outlines before pen is set to paper4 ,it may be of suggestive value as well as of interest to point out that in olden times the scenario was the only part of the play the playwright wrote4 ,the groundwork of the plot was fixed beyond change1 and then the actors were permitted to do as they pleased within these limits4 ,even today1 in the construction of hurried entertainments for club nights at the various actors' club-houses1 often only the scenario or general framework of the act is typewritten and handed to the performers who are to take part4 ,all that this tells them is that on some given cue they are to enter and work opposite so-and-so1 and are1 in turn1 to give an agreed-upon cue to bring on such-and-such a performer4 ,in a word1 the invaluable part of any dramatic entertainment is the scenario4 ,one valuable aid to the making of a clear and effective scenario is the use of a diagram of the set in which the act is to be played4 ,reference to ,chapter ,,iv1 ,the ,scenery ,commonly ,found in ,vaudeville ,theatres1 will place in your hands a wide--if not an exhaustive-- range of variations of the commonly found box sets4 ,within the walls of any one of these diagrams you may carefully mark the exact location of chairs1 tables and any other properties your action demands4 ,then1 knowing the precise room in which your characters must work1 you can plot the details of their movements exactly from entrances to exits and give to your playlet action a clearness and preciseness it might not otherwise possess4 #b4 ,the ,scenario not an ,unalterable ,outline ,but there is one point ,i feel the necessity of emphasizing1 whose application each one must determine for himself3 ,while you ought to consider your scenario as directive and as laying down the line that should be followed1 you ought not to permit your playlet to become irrevocably fixed merely because you have written your scenario4 ,it is often the sign of a dramatic mind1 and of a healthy problem too1 that the playlet changes and develops as the theme is carefully considered4 ,to produce the very best work1 a scenario must be thought of as clay to be molded1 rather than as iron that must be scrapped and melted again to be recast4 ,,ii4 ,,points ,,to ,,bring ,,out ,,prominently ,this section is so arranged that the elements of writing discussed in the preceding chapters are summarized1 and the vital elements which could not be considered before are all given their proper places in a step-by-step scheme of composition4 ,the whole forms a condensed standard for review to refresh your memory before writing1 and by which to test your playlet after it is written4 ,every playlet must have a beginning1 a middle and an ending4 ,the beginning must state the premises of the problem clearly and simply2 the middle must develop the problem logically and solve the entanglement in a big scene1 and the ending must round out the whole satisfyingly--with a surprise1 if fitting4 #a4 ,points the ,beginning ,must ,emphasize ,because the total effect of a playlet is complete oneness1 there lie in the big scene and in the ending certain results of which the beginning must be the beginning or immediate cause4 ,such causes are what you must show clearly4 7a7 ,the ,causes before the ,curtain ,rose4 ,if the causes lie far back in events that occurred before the curtain rose1 you must have those events carefully and clearly stated4 ,but while you convey this necessary exposition as dramatically as possible1 be sure to make the involved dramatic elements subservient to clearness4 7b7 ,the ,causes that ,occur after the ,curtain ,rises4 ,if the causes do not lie in the past1 but occur after the curtain rises1 you must show them as clearly occurring right then and there4 ,they must be as plain as dawn1 or the rest of the playlet will be shrouded in the darkness of perplexing doubts4 7c7 ,the ,character ,motive from which the ,complication ,rises4 ,if the causes lie in character1 you must show the motive of the person of the playlet from whose peculiar character the complication rises like a spring from its source4 ,you must expose the point of character plainly4 ,but in striving to make your premises clear do not make the mistake of being prolix--or you will be tedious4 ,define character sharply4 ,tell in quick1 searching dialogue the facts that must be told and let your opening scenes on which the following events depend1 come with a snap and a perfectly adequate but nevertheless1 have-done-with-it feeling4 #b4 ,points that ,must ,be ,brought out in the ,middle ,in every scene of your playlet you must prepare the minds of your audience to accept gladly what follows--and to look forward to it eagerly4 ,you must not only plainly show what the causes of every action are1 but you must also make the audience feel what they imply4 ,thus you will create the illusion which is the chief charm of the theatre--a feeling of superiority to the mimic characters which the gods must experience as they look down upon us4 ,this is the inalienable right of an audience4 7a7 ,the ,scenes that ,make ,suspense4 ,but while foreshadowing plainly1 you must not forestall your effect4 ,one of the most important elements of playlet writing is to let your audience guess what is going to happen--but keep them tensely interested in how it is going to happen4 ,this is what creates the playlet's enthralling power--suspense4 ,it is so important to secure suspense in a playlet that an experienced writer who feels that he has not created it out of the body of his material1 will go back to the beginning and insert some point that will pique the curiosity of the audience1 leaving it unexplained until the end4 ,he keeps the audience guessing1 but he satisfies their curiosity finely in the finish--this is the obligation such a suspense element carries with it4 7b7 ,the ,points that ,balance the ,preparation with the ,result4 ,nothing could be more disastrous than to promise with weighty preparation some event stupendously big with meaning and then to offer a weak little result4 ,and it would be nearly as unfortunate to foreshadow a weak little fulfillment and then to present a tremendous result4 ,therefore1 you must so order your events that you balance the preparation with the result1 to the shade of a dramatic hair4 ,but take care to avoid a too obvious preparation4 ,if you disclose too plainly what you are aiming at your end is defeated in advance1 because your audience is bound to lapse into a cynically smiling does-this-fellow-take-us-for-babies8 attitude4 ,the art of the dramatic is the art that conceals art4 ,the middle of your playlet must conceal just enough to keep the stream of suspense flowing eagerly toward the end1 which is dimly seen to be inevitably approaching4 7c7 ,the ,one ,event that ,makes the ,climax ,really ,big4 ,from the first speech1 through every speech1 and in every action1 your playlet has moved toward this one event1 and now you must bring it out so prominently that everything else sinks into insignificance4 ,this event is3 ,the change in the relations of the characters4 ,this is the planned-for result of all that has gone before4 ,bear firmly in mind that you have built up a suspense which this change must crown4 ,keep foremost the fact that what you have hidden before you must now disclose4 ,lay your cards on the table face up--all except one4 ,this last card takes the final trick1 completing the hand you have laid down1 and everyone watches with breathless interest while you play3 #c4 ,the ,single ,point of the ,finish ,if you can make this final event a surprise1 all the better4 ,but if you cannot change the whole result in one dramatic disclosure1 you must be content to lay down your last card1 not as a point in itself surprising1 but nevertheless dramatically4 ,the ,finish must be ,complete--and ,completely ,satisfy4 ,you have sprung your climax2 you have disclosed what it is that changes the relations of your characters2 now you must show that those relations have been changed4 ,and at the same time you bring forward the last strand of plot that is loose and weave it into the now complete design4 ,you must account for everything here in the finish1 and do it with speed4 ,,iii4 ,,putting ,,punch ,,into ,,the ,,idea ,now let us say that you have expanded the first draft of your plastic scenario into a nearly perfect manuscript4 ,but as you read it over1 you are not content4 ,you feel that it lacks punch4 ,what is punch1 and how are you going to add it when it is lacking8 ,willard ,mack says3 ',punch' is the most abused word ,i know4 ,the dramatic punch is continually confused with the theatrical trick4 ,critics said the third act of ',kick ,in' #a--;in which the detective is overpowered in a hand-to-hand fight after a hypodermic has been jabbed into his wrist--had a punch4 ,it didn't4 ,what it really had was a theatric trick4 ,but the human punch was in the second act1 when the little frightened girl of the slums comes to see her wounded lover--who is really dead4 ,if the needle should suddenly be lost in playing the third act the scene would be destroyed4 ,but the other moment would have its appeal regardless of theatrical detail4 #a ,developed into a long play from the vaudeville act of the same name4 ,punch comes only from a certain strong human appeal in the story4 ,punch is the thing that makes the pulse beat a little quicker1 because the heart has been touched4 ,punch is the precise moment of the dramatic4 ,it is the second in which the revelation flashes upon the audience4 ,while whatever punch you may be able to add must lie in the heart of your material--which no one but yourself can know--there are three or four ways by which you may go about finding a mislaid punch4 ,if you have turned the logical order of writing about and let your playlet drag you instead of your driving it1 you may find help in asking yourself whether you should keep your secret from the audience4 #a4 ,have ,you ,kept ,your ,audience in ,ignorance ,too ,long8 ,while it is possible to write a most enthralling novel of mystery or a detective short-story which suddenly1 at the very last moment1 may disclose the trick by which it has all been built up1 such a thing is not successfully possible in a playlet4 ,you must not conceal the identity of anyone of your characters from the audience4 ,conceal his identity from every other character and you may construct a fine playlet1 but don't conceal his motive from the audience4 ,the very nature of the drama--depending as it does on giving to the spectator the pleasure of feeling omniscient--precludes the possibility of unheralded surprise4 ,for instance1 if you have a character whom the audience has never seen before and of whom they know nothing suddenly spring up from behind a sofa where he has overheard two other characters conspiring--the audience may think he is a stage-hand4 ,how would they know he was connected with the other characters in the playlet if you neglected to tell them beforehand8 ,they could not know4 ,the sudden appearance of the unknown man from behind the sofa would have much the effect of a disturbance in the rear of the theatre1 distracting attention from the characters on the stage and the plot of the playlet4 ,if your plot calls for an eavesdropper behind a sofa--though ,i hope you will never resort to so ancient a device--you must first let the audience know who he is and why he wants to eavesdrop2 and second you must show him going behind that sofa4 ,the audience must be given the god-like pleasure of watching the other two characters approach the sofa and sit down on it1 in ignorance that there is an enemy behind it into whose hands they are delivering themselves4 ,this is only a simple instance1 but it points out how far the ramifications to which this problem of not keeping a secret from the audience may extend4 ,moreover1 it should suggest that it is possible that your playlet lacks the required punch--because you have kept something secret that you ought to have disclosed4 ,therefore1 go through your playlet carefully and try to discover just what you have not treated with dramatic frankness4 ,on the other hand1 of course1 if you decide you must keep a secret--some big mystery of plot--you must be sure that it is worth keeping4 ,if you build up a series of mysterious incidents1 the solution must be adequate to the suspense4 ,but1 ,i have treated this angle of secret-keeping in preparation versus result1 so ,i shall now direct your attention to the other side of the problem of dramatic frankness--which may be the cause of the lack of punch3 #b4 ,have ,you been too ,frank at the ,beginning8 ,go back through the early moments of your playlet and see if you have not given the whole thing away at the very beginning4 ,if you have1 you have1 as we saw1 killed your suspense1 which is the road on which punch lies in wait4 ,the way to remedy this defect is to condense the preparation and so express it in action and by dialogue that you leave opportunity for a revealing flash4 ,in going over your manuscript you must strive to attain the correct balance between the two4 ,the whole art lies in knowing just what to disclose and it when to disclose it--and what not and when not to disclose4 #c4 ,have ,you ,been ,too ,talky8 ,remember that vaudeville has no time for fine speeches4 ,cut even the lines you have put in for the purpose of disclosing character1 and--save in rare instances--depend chiefly on character revelation through action4 #d4 ,have ,you ,lost ,your ,singleness of ,effect by ,mixing ,playlet ,genres8 ,one of the most common reasons why playlets lack the effect of vital oneness is to be found in the fault of mixing the kinds3 for example1 making the first half a comedy and the second half a tragedy4 ,it is as if a song began with one air and suddenly switched to a totally different melody4 ,if your playlet is a comedy1 make it a comedy throughout2 it if is a deeply human story1 let it end as it began2 #a if you are writing a straight drama or a melodrama1 keep your playlet straight drama or melodrama all the way through4 ,go over your playlet with the eye of a relentless critic and make sure that you have not mixed your genres1 which only in the rarest cases can be done effectively4 #a ,see ,chapter ,,xiv1 section ,,ii1 topic #c4 #e4 ,are ,you ,sure ,your ,action ,is ,all ,vital8 ,finally1 if every other investigation has failed to develop the needed punch1 go over your playlet again to see if it is possible that you have erred in the first principle of the art4 ,if you have permitted even one tiny scene to creep in that does not hold a vital meaning to the single point of your climax1 you have lost by so much the possibility of the punch4 ,remember1 here1 that a great playlet can be played without a single word being spoken and still be vividly clear to everyone4 ,realizing this1 chop every second of action that is not vital4 #f4 ,the ,punch ,secured4 ,but long before you have exhausted these suggestions you will have developed your punch4 ,your punch has risen out of your material-- if you possess the sense of the dramatic4 ,if the punch has not developed--with a series of minor punches that all contribute to the main design of the heart wallop--there is something wrong with your material4 ,but even a realization of this ought not to discourage you1 for there are instances every day of well-known playwrights who have chosen the wrong material4 ,we all have seen these plays4 ,you must do as they do--cast your playlet aside and begin anew with new material4 ,the man who keeps at it is the only one who wins--but he must keep at it with the right stuff4 ,,iv4 ,,selecting ,a ,,proper ,,title ,when you have trimmed your playlet by cutting off all the trimmings1 your thoughts naturally turn to a title4 ,more than likely you have selected your title long before you have written curtain--it is possible a title sprang into your mind out of the germ idea4 ,but even then1 you ought now to select the proper title4 #a4 ,what is a ,proper ,title8 ,a proper title is one that both names a playlet and concisely suggests more than it tells4 ,for instance1 ,the ,system suggests a problem vital to all big cities--because the word system was on everybody's tongue at the time4 ,the ,lollard piques curiosity--what is a lollard1 you are inclined to want to know2 it also carries a suggestion of whimsicality4 ,the ,villain ,still ,pursued ,her1 tells as plainly as a whole paragraph could that the playlet is a travesty1 making fun of the old blood-and-thunder melodrama4 ,in and ,out is a short1 snappy1 curiosity-piquing name2 it is a title that hangs out a sign like a question mark4 ,kick ,in is of the same class1 but with the added touch of slang4 ,war ,brides is another luring title1 and one that attracts on frankly dramatic and problem grounds4 ,youth is a title that suggests much more than it tells--it connotes almost anything4 ,blackmail has the punch of drama and suggests atmosphere as well4 ,but these are enough to establish the fact that a good title is one which suggests more than it tells4 ,a good title frankly advertises the wares within1 yet wakens eager curiosity to see what those wares are4 #b4 ,what is an ,improper ,title8 ,an improper title1 first1 is one that does not precisely fit a playlet as a name2 or second1 that tells too much4 ,for instance1 ,sweets to the ,sweet is the title of a playlet whose only reason for being so named is because the young man brings the girl a box of candy--it does not name the playlet at all precisely1 its connotation is misleading4 ,do not choose a title just because it is pretty4 ,make your title really express the personality of your playlet4 ,but more important still1 do not let your title tell too much4 ,if ,the ,bomb were called ,the ,trap1 much of the effect of the surprise would be discounted1 and the unmasking of the detective who confesses to throwing the bomb to trap the real criminal would come as something expected4 ,in a word1 be most careful not to select a title that gives it all away4 #c4 ,other ,title ,considerations ,a short title seems to be the playlet fashion today2 but tomorrow the two- or three-word title may grow to a four- or five-word name4 ,yet it will never be amiss to make a title short4 ,this same law of good use points to a similar variation in the context of even the short title--,i mean that every little while there develops a fad for certain words4 ,there may at any time spring up a wide use of words like girl1 or fun1 or color words1 like red or purple or blond4 ,but your close study of the vaudeville of the moment will show you when these fad-words may be used advantageously in a title4 ,you need never worry over-long about a title for your playlet if you put the emphasis in your own mind upon the fact that your title is an advertisement4 ,v4 ,,making ,,the ,,playlet ,a ,,hit ,but when you have a playlet manuscript that is full of laughter and vibrant with dramatic thrills1 and even after you have sold it to a manager who has produced it1 your work as a playlet writer is not done4 ,you still must cut and polish it until it is a flawless gem that flashes from the stage4 ,as ,edgar ,allan ,woolf expressed it to me in one of our conversations3 ,the work of the author of a one-act comedy is not over until1 after several weeks of playing1 his playlet has been so reshaped and altered by him that not a single dull spot remains4 ,individual lines must be condensed so that they are as short as they possibly can be made4 ,the elimination of every unnecessary word or phrase is essential4 ,where a line that develops the plot can be altered so that it will still serve its purpose1 and also score a laugh on its own account1 it must be so changed4 ,where lines cannot be changed1 bits of comedy business may perhaps be inserted to keep the audience from lapsing into listlessness4 ,for it is a deplorable fact that a vaudeville audience that is not laughing outright at a comedy becomes listless4 ,vaudeville managers never book a playlet that makes an audience smile--for while the humor that brings a smile may be more brilliant than the comedy that gets a laugh1 it must always be remembered that vaudeville audiences come to laugh and not to smile4 ,some of the biggest laughs in every one of my many acts ,i put in after the acts had been playing some weeks4 ,and ,i attribute whatever success they have had later in the best vaudeville theatres to the improvements ,i have made during their 'breaking in' periods4 ,to sum up3 ,while no two writers ever have written and never will write a playlet in precisely the same way1 the wise beginner chooses for his first playlet a comedy theme4 ,your germ idea you express in a single short sentence which you consider as the problem of your playlet1 to be solved logically1 clearly and conclusively4 ,instinct for the dramatic leads you to lift out from life's flowing stream of events the separate incidents you require and to dovetail them into a plot which tells the story simply by means of characters and dialogue skillfully blended into an indivisible whole1 flashing with revealing meaning and ending with complete satisfaction4 ,after you have thought out your playlet1 you set down so much of it as you feel is necessary in the form of a scenario4 ,but you do not consider this scenario as unchangeable4 ,rather you judge the value of the idea by the freedom with which it grows in effectiveness4 ,and while this process is going on1 you carefully select the basic points in the beginning of the story that must be brought out prominently4 ,then you develop the story by making the points that foreshadow your big scene stand out so as to weave the enthralling power of suspense4 ,you let your audience guess what is going to happen1 but keep them tensely interested in how it is going to happen4 ,and you prepare your audience by a carefully preserved balance between the promise and the performance for the one big point of the climax which changes the relations of the characters to each other4 ,after you have shown the change as happening1 you punch home the fact that it has happened1 and withhold your completing card until the finish4 ,in your finish you play the final card and account for the last loose strand of the plot1 with a speed that does not detract from your effect of complete satisfaction4 ,in seeking to punch up your playlet1 you go over every word1 every bit of characterization1 every moment of action1 and eliminate single words1 whole speeches1 entire scenes1 to cut down the playlet to the meat1 seeking for lost punches particularly in the faults of keeping secrets that should be instantly disclosed1 and in the too frank disclosures of secrets that ought to be kept in the beginning4 ,and out of this re-writing there rises into view the heart wallop which first attracted you4 ,finally1 when your playlet is finished1 you decide on a proper title4 ,remembering that a title is an advertisement1 you choose a short name that both names and lures4 ,and then you prepare the manuscript for its market--which is discussed in a later chapter4 ,but when you have written your playlet and have sold it to a manager who has produced it1 your work is not yet done4 ,you watch it in rehearsal1 and during the breaking in weeks you cut it here1 change it there1 make a plot-line do double duty as a laugh-line in this spot1 take away a needless word from another--until your playlet flashes a flawless gem from the stage4 ,the final effect in the medium of expression for which you write it is ,,unity4 ,every part--acting1 dialogue1 action--blends in a perfect whole4 ,not even one word may be taken away without disturbing the total effect of its vital oneness4 ,,chapter ,,xix ,,the ,,elements ,,of ,a ,,successful ,,one-,,act ,,musical ,,comedy ,if you were asked1 ,what is a one-act musical comedy8 you might answer3 ,let's see1 a one-act musical comedy is--is--4 ,well1 all ,i remember is a lot of pretty girls who changed their clothes every few minutes1 two lovers who sang about the moon1 a funny couple and a whole lot of music4 ,hazy8 ,not at all4 ,this is really a clear and reasonably correct definition of the average one-act musical colnedy1 for this type of act is usually about fifty per cent4 girl1 twenty per cent4 costumes and scenery1 twenty-five per cent4 music1 and usually1 but not always1 five per cent4 comedy4 ,a musical comedy1 therefore1 is not music and comedy--it is girls and music4 ,that is why the trade name of this1 one of the most pleasing of vaudeville acts1 is--a girl-act4 ,it was the girl-act1 perhaps more than any other one style of act1 that helped to build vaudeville up to its present high standing4 ,on nearly every bill of the years that are past there was a girl-act4 ,it is a form of entertainment that pleases young and old1 and coming in the middle or toward the end of a varied program1 it lends a touch of romance and melody without which many vaudeville bills would seem incomplete4 ,a girl-act is a picture1 too4 ,moreover1 it holds a touch of bigness1 due to the number of its people1 their changing costumes1 and the length of time the act holds the stage4 ,with its tuneful haste1 its swiftly moving events1 its rapid dialogue1 its succession of characters1 and its ever-changing1 colorful pictures1 the one-act musical comedy is not so much written as put together4 #a4 ,the ,musical ,elements ,technically known as a girl-act1 and booked by managers who wish a flash--a big effect--the one-act musical comedy naturally puts its best foot foremost as soon as the curtain rises4 ,and1 equally of course1 it builds up its effects into a concluding best-foot4 ,the best-foot of a musical comedy is the ensemble number1 in which all the characters--save the principals1 sometimes--join in a rousing song4 ,the ensemble is musical comedy1 and one-act musical comedy is--let this exaggeration clinch the truth--the ensemble4 #a #a ,of course1 ,i am discussing the usual musical comedy--the flash of a bill--in pointing out so forcefully the value of the ensemble4 ,there have been some fine one-act musical comedies in which the ensemble was not used at all4 ,indeed1 the musical comedy in one act without any ensemble offers most promising possibilities4 ,between the opening and the closing ensembles there is usually one other ensemble number1 and sometimes two4 ,and between these three or four ensembles there are usually one or two single numbers--solos by a man or a woman--and a duet1 or a trio1 or a quartet4 ,these form the musical element of the one-act musical comedy4 #b4 ,scenery and ,costumes--,the ,picture-,elements ,while the one-act musical comedy may be played in one set of scenery only1 it very often happens that there are two or three different scenes4 ,the act may open in ,one1 as did ,joe ,hart's ,if ,we ,said ,what ,we ,thought1 and then go into ,full ,stage2 or it may open in ,full ,stage1 go into ,one for a little musical number1 and then go back into a different full-stage scene for its finish4 ,it may even be divided into three big scenes--each played in a different set--with two interesting numbers in ,one1 if time permits1 or the act be planned to make its appeal by spectacular effects4 ,very often1 as in ,lasky's ,a ,night on a ,houseboat1 a big set-piece or a trick scene is used to give an effect of difference1 although the entire act is played without dropping a curtain4 ,to sum up the idea behind the use of musical comedy scenery3 it is designed to present an effect of bigness--to make the audience feel they are viewing a production4 ,the same thought is behind the continual costume changes which are an integral part of the one-act musical comedy effect4 ,for each ensemble number the girls' costumes are changed4 ,if there are three ensembles there are three costumes1 and four changes if there are four ensembles4 ,needless to say1 it sometimes keeps the girls hustling every minute the act is in progress1 changing from one costume to another1 and taking that one off to don a third or a fourth4 ,the result in spectacular effect is as though a scene were changed every time an ensemble number is sung4 ,furthermore1 the lights are so contrived as to add to this effect of difference1 and the combination of different colors playing over different costumes1 moving about in different sets1 forms an ever-changing picture delightfully pleasing and big4 ,now1 as the musical comedy depends for its appeal upon musical volume1 numbers of people1 sometimes shifting scenery1 a kaleidoscopic effect of pretty girls in ever changing costumes and dancing about to catchy music1 it does not have to lean upon a fascinating plot or brilliant dialogue1 in order to succeed4 ,but of course1 as we shall see1 a good story and funny dialogue make a good musical comedy better4 #c4 ,the ,element of ,plot ,if your memory and my recollection of numerous musical comedies of both the one-act and the longer production of the legitimate stage are to be trusted1 a plot is something not vital to the success of a musical comedy4 ,indeed1 it is actually true that many a musical comedy has failed because the emphasis was placed on plot rather than on a skeleton of a story which showed the larger elements to the best advantage4 ,therefore ,i present the plot element of the average one-act musical comedy thus3 ,whereas the opening and the finish of the playlet are two of its most difficult parts to write1 in the musical comedy the beginning and the finish are ready-made to the writer's hand4 ,however anxious he may be to introduce a novel twist of plot at the end1 the writer is debarred from doing so1 because he must finish with an ensemble number where the appeal is made by numbers of people1 costumes1 pretty girls and music4 ,at the beginning1 however1 the writer may be as unconventional as he pleases--providing he does not take too long to bring on his first ensemble1 and so disappoint his audience1 who are waiting for the music and the girls4 ,therefore the writer must be content to tag on his plot to an opening nearly always-- if not always--indicated1 and to round his plot out into an almost invariably specified ending4 ,between the opening and the closing ensembles the writer has to figure on at least one1 and maybe more1 ensembles1 and a solo and a duet1 or a trio and a quartet1 or other combinations of these musical elements4 ,these demands restrict his plot still further4 ,he must indeed make his plot so slight that it will lead out from and blend into the overshadowing stage effects4 ,necessarily1 his plot must first serve the demands of scenery and musical numbers-- then and only then may his plot be whatever he can make it4 ,the one important rule for the making of a musical comedy plot is this3 ,the plot of a one-act musical comedy should be considered as made up of story and comedy elements so spaced that the time necessary for setting scenery and changing costumes is neither too long nor too short4 ,more than one dress rehearsal on the night before opening has been wisely devoted to the precise rehearsing of musical numbers and costume changes only4 ,the dialogue was never even hastily spoken4 ,the entire effort was directed to making the entrances and exits of the chorus and principals on time4 ,for1 the producer cannily reasons1 if they slip up on the dialogue they can fake it--but the slightest wait on a musical number will seem like a mortal wound4 ,if you recall any of ,jesse ,l4 ,lasky's famous musical acts1 ,a ,night at the ,country ,club1 ,at the ,waldorf1 ,the ,love ,waltz1 ,the ,song ,shop 7these come readily to mind1 but for the life of me ,i cannot recall even one incident of any of their plots71 you will realize how important is the correct timing of musical numbers4 ,you will also understand how unimportant to a successful vaudeville musical comedy is its plot4 #d4 ,story ,told by ,situations1 ,not by ,dialogue ,as there is no time for studied character analysis and plot exposition1 and little time for dialogue1 the story of a musical comedy must be told by broad strokes4 ,when you read ,a ,persian ,garden1 selected for full reproduction in the ,appendix because it is one of the best examples of a well-balanced musical comedy plot ever seen in vaudeville1 you will understand why so careful a constructionist as ,edgar ,allan ,woolf begins his act with the following broad stroke3 ,the opening chorus has been sung1 and instantly an old man's voice is heard off stage4 ,then all the chorus girls run up and say1 ,oh1 here comes the old ,sheik now4 ,again1 when ,paul wishes to be alone with ,rose1 ,mr4 ,woolf makes ,paul turn to ,phil and say1 ,what did ,i tell you to do8 ,then ,phil seizes ,mrs4 ,schuyler and runs her off the stage into the house4 ,mr4 ,woolf's skill built this very broad stroke up into a comedy exit good for a laugh1 but you and ,i have seen other exits where the comedy was lacking and the mechanics stood out even more boldly4 ,so we see that the same time-restriction which makes a musical comedy plot a skeleton1 also makes the exits and entrances and the dialogue and every happening structurally a skeleton so loosely jointed that it would rattle horribly--were it not for the beautiful covering of the larger effects of costumes1 scenery and music4 ,therefore the overshadowing necessity for speed makes admissible in the musical comedy broad strokes that would not be tolerated anywhere else4 ,it is by willingly granting this necessary license that the audience is permitted to enjoy many single musical numbers and delightful ensembles within the time-limits vaudeville can afford for anyone act4 ,so we see why it is--to return to the bald expository statement with which this division begins--that the writer must consider his story and his comedy scenes only as time-fillers to make the waits between musical numbers pleasantly interesting and laughter-worthwhile4 #e4 ,the ,comedy ,element ,plainly recognizing the quickness with which one character must be brought on the stage and taken off again1 and thoroughly appreciating that whatever is done between the musical numbers must be speedily dismissed1 let us now see what forms of comedy are possible4 ,obviously the comedy cannot depend upon delicate shades4 ,it must be the sort of comedy that is physical rather than mental4 ,slap-stick comedy would seem to be the surest to succeed4 ,but while this is true1 there is no need to depend entirely on the slap-stick brand of humor4 ,for instance1 while we find in ,a ,persian ,garden one whole comedy scene built on the killing of mosquitoes on ,phil's face--certainly the slap-stick brand1 even though a hand delivers the slap--we also have the comedy of character in ,mrs4 ,schuyler's speeches4 ,comedy rising directly out of and dependent upon plot1 however1 is not the sort of comedy that usually gives the best results1 because plot is nearly always subservient to the musical and picture making elements4 ,but the comedy element of plot may be made to run throughout and can be used with good effect1 if it is the kind that is easily dismissed and brought back4 ,this is why so many musical comedies have made use of plots hinged on mistaken identity1 ,kings and ,princesses in masquerade1 and wives and husbands anxiously avoiding each other and forever meeting unexpectedly4 ,still1 plot-comedy may be depended upon for at least one big scene1 if the idea is big enough4 ,for instance1 the internationally successful ,the ,naked ,truth possessed a plot that was big enough to carry the musical comedy on plot-interest alone1 if that were necessary4 ,indeed1 it might have been used as a good farce without music4 ,the whole act hung on a magic statue in whose presence nothing but the truth could be told1 on pain of parting from one's clothes4 ,and the comedy scenes that developed out of it carried a series of twists and turns of real plot-interest that made the musical numbers all the more delightful and the whole act a notable success4 ,the musical element of this delightful vaudeville form makes certain other humorous acts fit into the musical comedy structure4 ,for instance1 if the comedy character is left alone on the stage1 he can with perfect propriety deliver a short monologue4 ,or he may do anything else that will win laughter and applause4 ,and the two-act1 even more perfectly than the monologue1 fits into the musical comedy4 ,no matter what the two-act is1 if it is short and humorous1 it may be used for one of the ornamental time-gap stoppers4 ,a quarrel scene may be just what is needed to fill out and advance the plot4 ,but more often1 the flirtation two-act is the form that best suits1 for the nature of the musical comedy seems best expressed by love and its romantic moments4 ,indeed1 the flirtation two-act is often a little musical comedy in itself1 minus a background of girls4 ,as an example1 take ,louis ,weslyn's very successful two-act1 ,after the ,shower4 #a ,you can easily imagine all the other girls in the camping party appearing1 to act as the chorus4 ,then suppply a talkative chaperon1 and you have only to add her comical husband to produce a fine musical comedy offering4 #a ,see the ,appendix4 ,so we see once more that the one-act musical comedy is the result of assembling1 rather than of writing4 ,there is no need of adding even one instruction paragraph here4 ,before we take up the one or two hints on writing that would seem to present themselves in helpful guise1 you should read ,edgar ,allan ,woolf's ,a ,persian ,garden4 ,turn to the ,appendix and this act will show you clearly how the writer welds these different vaudeville forms into one perfect whole4 ,,chapter ,,xx ,,putting ,,together ,,the ,,one-,,act ,,musical ,,comedy ,,with ,,hints ,,on ,,making ,,the ,,burlesque ,,tab ,unless you have a definite order to write a one-act musical comedy1 it would seem1 from the comparatively small part the writer has in the final effect1 that the novice had better not write the musical comedy at all4 ,although this would appear to be clear from the discussion of the elements in the preceding chapter1 ,i want to make it even more emphatic by saying that more than once ,i have written a musical comedy act for the small time in a few hours--and have then spent weeks dovetailing it to fit the musical numbers introduced and whipping the whole act into the aspect of a production4 ,but there is one time when even the amateur may write a musical comedy--when he has a great idea4 ,but ,i do not mean the average musical comedy idea--,i mean such an idea as that which made ,the ,naked ,truth so successful4 ,and in the hope that you may possess such an idea1 ,i offer a few hints that may prove helpful in casting your idea into smooth musical comedy form4 ,as ,i have already discussed plot in the chapters devoted to the playlet1 and have taken up the structure of the monologue and the two-act in the chapters on those forms1 there is now no need for considering writing at all save for a single hint4 ,yet even this one suggestion deals less with the formal writing element than with the feel of the material4 ,it is stated rather humorously by ,thomas ,j4 ,gray1 who has written many successful one-act musical comedies1 varying in style from ,gus ,edwards' ,school ,boys and ,girls to ,the ,vaudeville ,revue of #aiae--;a musical travesty on prevailing ideas--and the books of a few long musical successes1 from comedy scenes in ,watch your ,step to ,ned ,wayburn's ,town ,topics1 that ,musical comedy1 from a vaudeville standpoint1 and a ',broadway' or two-dollar standpoint1 are two different things4 ,a writer has to treat them in entirely different ways1 as a doctor would two different patients suffering from the same ailment4 ,in vaudeville an author has to remember that nearly everyone in the audience has some one particular favorite on the bill--you have to write something funny enough to3 please the admirers of the acrobat1 the magician1 the dancer1 the dramatic artist1 the rag-time singer and the moving pictures4 ,but in ',broadway' musical comedy it is easier to please the audiences because they usually know what the show is about before they buy their tickets1 and they know what to expect4 ,that's why you can tell 'vaudeville stuff' in a ',broadway' show--it's the lines the audience laugh at4 ,to put it in a different way1 let me say that while in two-dollar musical comedy you can get by with 'smart lines' and snickers1 in vaudeville musical comedy you have to go deeper than the lip-laughter4 ,you must waken the laughter that lies deep down and rises in appreciative roars4 ,it is in ability to create situations that will produce this type of laughter that the one-act musical comedy writer's success lies4 #a4 ,an ,average ,one-,act ,musical ,comedy ,recipe ,while it is not absolutely necessary to open a musical comedy with an ensemble number1 many fine acts do so open4 ,and the ensemble finish seems to be the rule4 ,therefore let us assume that you wish to form your musical comedy on this usual style4 ,as your act should run anywhere from thirty to fifty minutes1 and as your opening number will consume scarcely two minutes1 and your closing ensemble perhaps three1 you have--on a thirty-five minute basis-- thirty minutes in which to bring in your third ensemble1 your other musical numbers and your dialogue4 ,the third ensemble--probably a chorus number1 with the tenor or the ingenue1 or both1 working in front of the chorus--will consume anywhere from five to seven minutes4 ,then your solo will take about three minutes4 ,and if you have a duet or a trio1 count four minutes more4 ,so you have about eighteen minutes for your plot and comedy--including specialties4 ,while these time hints are obviously not exact1 they are suggestive of the fact that you should time everything which enters into your act4 ,and having timed your musical elements by some such rough standard as this--or1 better still1 by slowly reading your lyrics as though you were singing--you should set down for your own guidance a schedule that will look something like this3 ,opening ensemble4444444444444 #b minutes ,dialogue ,introducing ,plot1 ,first ,comedy ,scenes4444444 #d ,solo4444444444444444444444444 #c ,dialogue ,comedy and ,specialties4444 #e ,ensemble number44444444444444 #e ,dialogue ,specialties1 ,comedy4 ,plot climax--perhaps a big love scene1 leading into44444444444444 #g ,duet4444444444444444444444444 #d ,dialogue ,plot ,solution--the final arrangement of characters4444444444444 #b ,closing ensemble4444444444444 #c ------- #ce ,of course this imaginary schedule is not the only schedule that can be used2 also bear firmly in mind that you may make any arrangement of your elements that you desire1 within the musical comedy form4 ,let me repeat what ,i am never tired of saying1 that a rigid adherence to any existing form of vaudeville act is as likely to be disastrous as a too wild desire to be original4 ,be as unconventional as you can be within the necessary conventional limits4 ,this is the way to success4 ,you have your big idea1 and you have the safe1 conventional ensemble opening1 or a semi-ensemble novelty opening4 ,also you have a solo number for the tenor or the ingenue1 with the chorus working behind them4 ,finally you have your ensemble ending4 ,now1 within these boundaries1 arrange your solo and duet--or dispense with them1 as you feel best fits your plot and your comedy4 ,develop your story by comedy situations--don't depend upon lines4 ,place your big scene in the last big dialogue space--the seven minutes of the foregoing schedule--and then bring your act to an end with a great big musical finish4 #b4 ,timing the ,costume ,changes ,although the schedule given allows plenty of time for costume changes1 you must not consider your schedule as a ready-made formula4 ,read it and learn the lesson it points out--then cast it aside4 ,test every minute of your act by the test of time4 ,be especially careful to give your chorus and your principal characters time to make costume changes4 ,in gauging the minutes these changes will take1 time yourself in making actual changes of clothing4 ,remember that you must allow one minute to get to the dressing room and return to the stage4 ,but do not make the mistake of supposing that the first test you make in changing your own clothes will be the actual time it will take experienced dressers to change4 ,you yourself can cut down your time record by practice--and your clothes are not equipped with time-saving fasteners4 ,furthermore1 it often happens that the most complicated dress is worn in the first scene and a very quick change is prepared for by under-dressing--that is1 wearing some of the garments of the next change under the pretentious over-garments of the preceding scene4 ,these are merely stripped off and the person is ready dressed to go back on the stage in half a minute4 ,but precise exactness in costume changes need not worry you very much4 ,if you have been reasonably exact1 the producer--upon whom the costume changes and the costumes themselves depend--will add a minute of dialogue here or take away a minute there1 to make the act run as it should4 #c4 ,the ,production ,song ,certain songs lend themselves more readily to effective staging1 and these are called production songs4 ,for instance3 ,alexander's ,ragtime ,band could be--and often was--put on with a real band4 ,the principal character could sing the first verse and the chorus alone4 ,then the chorus girls could come out in regimentals1 each one playing some instrument--the music faked by the orchestra or produced by zobos--and when they were all on the stage1 the chorus could be played again with rousing effect4 ,during the second verse1 sung as a solo1 the girls could act out the lines4 ,then with the repetitioin of the chorus1 they could produce funny characteristic effects on the instruments4 ,and then they could all exit--waiting for the audience to bring them back for the novelties the audience would expect to be introduced in an encore4 ,this is often the way a popular song is plugged in cabarets1 musical comedies1 burlesque1 and in vaudeville4 ,it is made so attractive that it is repeated again and again--and so drummed into the ears of the audience that they go out whistling it4 ,ned ,wayburn demonstrated this in his vaudeville act ,staging an ,act4 ,he took a commonplace melody and built it up into a production--then the audience liked it4 ,george ,cohan did precisely the same thing in his ,hello1 ,broadway2 taking a silly lyric and a melody1 he told the audience he was going to make 'em like it2 and he did--by producing it4 ,but not every popular song lends itself to production treatment4 ,for instance1 how would you go about producing ,when it ,strikes ,home8 ,how would you stage ,when ,i ,lost ,you8 ,or--to show you that serious songs are not the only ones that may not be producible-- how would you put on ,oh1 ,how that ,german ,could ,love8 ,of course you could bring the chorus on in couples and have them sing such a sentimental song to each other--but that would not1 in the fullest sense1 be producing it4 ,just as not every popular song can be produced1 so not every production song can be made popular4 ,you have never whistled that song produced in ,staging an ,act1 nor have you ever whistled ,cohan's song from ,hello1 ,broadway4 ,if they ever had any names ,i have forgotten them1 but the audience liked them immensely at the time4 ,as many production songs are good only for stage purposes1 and therefore are not a source of much financial profit to their writers1 there is no need for me to describe their special differences and the way to go about writing them4 ,furthermore1 their elements are precisely the same as those of any other song--with the exception that each chorus is fitted with different catch lines in the place of the regular punch lines1 and there may be any number of different verses4 #a ,now having your big idea1 and having built it up with your musical elements carefully spaced to allow for costume changes1 perhaps having made your comedy rise out of the monologue and the two-act to good plot advantage1 and having developed your story to its climax in the last part of your act1 you assemble all your people1 join the loose plot ends and bring your musical comedy to a close with a rousing ensemble finish4 #a ,see ,chapter ,,xxii4 ,,hints ,,on ,,making ,,the ,,burlesque ,,tab ,the word tab is vaudeville's way of saying tabloid1 or condensed version4 ,while vaudeville is in itself a series of tabloid entertainments1 tab is used to identify the form of a musical comedy act which may run longer than the average one-act musical comedy4 ,although a tabloid is almost invariably in one act1 it is hardly ever in only one scene4 ,there are usually several different sets used1 and the uninterrupted forty-five minutes1 or even more than an hour1 are designed to give a greater effect of bigness to the production4 ,but the greatest difference between the one-act musical comedy and the burlesque tab does not lie in playing-time1 nor bigness of effect4 ,while a one-act musical comedy is usually intended to be made up of carefully joined and new humorous situations1 the burlesque tab--you will recall the definition of burlesque--depends upon older and more crude humor4 ,james ,madison1 whose ,my ,old ,kentucky ,home #a has been chosen as showing clearly the elements peculiar to the burlesque tab1 describes the difference in this way3 ,burlesque does not depend for success upon smoothly joined plot1 musical numbers or pictorial effects4 ,neither does it depend upon lines4 ,making its appeal particularly to those who like their humor of the elemental kind1 the burlesque tab often uses slap-stick comedy methods4 ,frankly acknowledging this1 vaudeville burlesque nevertheless makes a clean appeal4 ,it does not countenance either word or gesture that could offend4 ,since its purpose is to raise uproarious laughter1 it does not take time to smooth the changes from one comedy bit to the next1 but one bit follows another swiftly1 with the frankly avowed purpose to amuse1 and to amuse for the moment only4 ,finally1 the burlesque tab comes to an end swiftly3 it has made use of a plot merely for the purpose of stringing on comedy bits1 and having come toward the close1 it boldly states that fact1 as it were1 by a swift rearrangement of characters--and then ends4 #a ,see the ,appendix ,while the burlesque tab nearly always opens with an ensemble number1 and almost invariably ends with an ensemble1 there may be more solos1 duets1 trios1 quartets and ensembles than are used by the musical comedy--if the act is designed to run for a longer time4 ,but as its appeal is made by humor rather than by musical or pictorial effect1 the burlesque tab places the emphasis on the humor4 ,it does this by giving more time to comedy and by making its comedy more elemental1 more uproarious4 ,in a burlesque tab1 the comedy bits are never barred by age--providing they are sure-fire--and therefore they are sometimes reminiscent4 #b ,the effort to give them freshness and newness is to relate the happenings to different characters1 and to introduce the bits in novel ways4 #b ,mr4 ,madison informed me that the statuary bit in ,my ,old ,kentucky ,home is one of the oldest bits in the show business4 ,it is even older than ,weber and ,field's first use of it a generation ago4 ,therefore1 it would seem obvious that the writing of the burlesque tab is not writing at all4 ,it is stage managing4 ,and as the comedy bits are in many cases parts of the history of the stage--written down in the memories of actor and producer--the novice had better not devote his thoughts to writing burlesque4 ,however1 if he can produce bits of new business that will be sure-fire1 he may find the burlesque tab for him the most profitable of all opportunities the vaudeville stage has to offer4 ,that1 however1 is a rare condition for the beginner4 ,,chapter ,,xxi ,,the ,,musical ,,elements ,,of ,,the ,,popular ,,song ,the easiest thing in the world is to write a song2 the most difficult1 to write a song that will be popular4 ,i do not mean a popular song1 but a song everybody will whistle--for few songs written for the populace really become songs of the people4 ,the difference between poverty and opulence in the business of song-writing is--whistling4 ,what is the difference1 then1 between the man who can write songs and the one who can write songs everybody will whistle8 ,wherein lies the magic8 ,here is the difference1 unexplained it is true1 but at least clearly stated3 ,there are hundreds of men and women all over the land who can rhyme with facility4 ,anyone of them can take almost any idea you suggest off hand1 and on the instant sing you a song that plays up that idea4 ,these persons are the modern incarnations of the old time minstrels who wandered over the land and sang extemporaneous ditties in praise of their host for their dinners4 ,but1 remarkable as the gift is1 many of these modern minstrels cannot for the life of them put into their songs that something which makes their hearers whistle it long after they leave4 ,the whistle maker is the one who can rhyme with perhaps no more ease than these others1 but into his song he is able to instil the magic--sometimes4 ,but what is this magic that makes of song-writing a mystery that even the genius cannot unerringly solve each time he tries8 ,not for one moment would ,i have you believe that ,i can solve the mystery for you4 ,if ,i could1 ,i should not be writing this chapter--,i should be writing a song that could not fail of the greatest sale in history4 ,still1 with the kind assistance of the gentlemen in the profession--as the prestidigitator used to say in the old town hall when he began his entertainment--,i may be able to lift the outer veils of the unknown1 and you may be able ,i to face the problem with clearer-seeing eyes4 ,i called for help first from ,irving ,berlin1 without doubt the most successful popular song writer this country has ever known2 then the assistance of phenomenally successful writers of such diverse genius as ,charles ,k4 ,harris1 ,l4 ,wolfe ,gilbert1 ,ballard ,mac,donald1 ,joe ,mc,carthy1 ,stanley ,murphy1 and ,anatol ,friedland1 was asked and freely given4 ,it is from their observations1 as well as from my own1 that the following elements of the art of whistle-making have been gathered4 ,although we are interested only in the lyrics of the popular song1 we must first consider the music1 for the lyric writer is very often required to write words to music that has already been written4 ,therefore he must know the musical elements of his problem4 ,i4 ,music and ,words are ,inseparable ,think of any popular song-hit1 and while you are recollecting just how it goes1 stand back from yourself and watch your mental processes4 ,the words of the title first pop into your mind1 do they not8 ,then do not you find yourself whistling that part of the music fitted to those words8 ,conversely1 if the music comes into your mind first1 the words seem to sing themselves4 ,now see if the bars of music you remember and whistle first are not the notes fitted to the title4 ,if these observations are correct1 we have not only proof of the inseparable quality of the words and the music of a popular song1 but also evidence to which you can personally testify regarding the foundations of lyric-writing4 ,but first let us hear what ,berlin has to say about the inseparable quality of words and music3 ,the song writer who writes both words and music1 has the advantage over the lyric writer who must fit his words to somebody else's music and the composer who must make his music fit someone else's words4 ,latitude--the mother of novelty--is denied them1 and in consequence both lyrics and melody suffer4 ,since ,i write both words and music1 ,i can compose them together and make them fit4 ,i sacrifice one for the other4 ,if ,i have a melody ,i want to use1 ,i plug away at the lyrics until ,i make them fit the best parts of my music1 and vice versa4 ,for instance3 ',in ,my ,harem' first came to me from the humorous possibility that the ,greeks1 who at that time were fighting with the ,turks1 might be the cause of a lot of harems running loose in ,turkey4 ,i tried to fit that phrase to a melody1 but ,i couldn't4 ,at last ,i got a melody2 something that sounded catchy2 a simple 'dum-te-de-dum4' ,i had it1 ,in my harem1 ,in my harem4 ,with ',ragtime ,violin' ,i had the phrase and no music4 ,i got a few bars to fit1 then the melody made a six-syllable and then a five-syllable passage necessary4 ,i had it3 ,fiddle up6 ,fiddle up6 ,on your violin4 ,the lyric of a song must sing the music and the music sing the words4 ,charles ,k4 ,harris1 who wrote the great popular success1 ,after the ,ball1 so far back in the early days of the popular song that some consider this song the foundation of the present business1 has followed it up with innumerable successes4 ,mr4 ,harris has this to1 say on the same point3 ,i believe it is impossible to collaborate with anyone in writing a popular song4 ,i don't believe one man can write the words and another the music4 ,a man can't put his heart in another's lyrics or music4 ,to set a musical note for each word of a song is not all--the note must fit the word4 ,but1 while ,mr4 ,harris's words should be considered as the expression of an authority1 there is also considerable evidence that points the other way4 ,just to mention a few of the many partnerships which have resulted in numerous successes1 there are ,williams and ,van ,alstyne1 who followed ,under the ,shade of the ,old ,apple ,tree with a series of hits2 ,ballard ,mac,donald and ,harry ,carroll1 who made ,on the ,trail of the ,lonesome ,pine merely the first of a remarkably successful brotherhood2 ,harry ,von ,tilzer with his ever varying collaborators1 and ,l4 ,wolfe ,gilbert1 who wrote ,robert ,e4 ,lee1 ,hitchy ,koo1 and other hits1 with ,louis ,muir1 and then collaborated with ,anatol ,friedland and others in producing still other successes4 ,these few examples out of many which might be quoted1 show that two persons can collaborate in writing song-hits1 but1 in the main1 as ,mr4 ,berlin and ,mr4 ,harris say1 there are decided advantages when words and music can be done together by one writer4 ,what is absolutely essential to the writing of songs which will make the nation whistle1 may be stated in this principle3 ,the words and music of a song must fit each other so perfectly that the thought of one is inseparable from the other4 ,and now before we turn to the essential elements of the words1 to which ,i shall devote the next chapter1 permit me to name a few of the elements of popular music that may be helpful to many modern minstrels to know4 ,in fact1 these are all the suggestions on the writing of popular music that ,i have been able to glean from many years of curious inquiry4 ,i believe they represent practically1 if not quite1 all the hints that can be given on this subject4 #a #a ,because of the obvious impossibility of adequately discussing syncopation and kindred purely technical elements1 ragtime has not been particularly pointed out4 ,the elements here given are those that apply to ragtime as well as to nearly every other sort of popular song4 #b4 ,one ,octave is the ,popular ,song ,range ,the popular song is introduced to the public by vaudeville performers1 cabaret singers1 and demonstrators1 whose voices have not a wide range4 ,even some of the most successful vaudeville stars have not extraordinary voices4 ,usually the vaudeville performer cannot compass a range of much more than an octave4 ,the cabaret singer who has command of more than seven notes is rare1 and the demonstrator in the department store and the five-and ten-cent store usually has a voice little better than the person who purchases4 ,therefore the composer of a song is restricted to the range of one octave4 ,sometimes1 it is true1 a song is written in one-one1 or even one-two 7one or two notes more than an octave71 but even such rangey songs make use of these notes only in the verses and confine the chorus to a single octave4 ,but in the end1 the necessity for the composer's writing his song within one octave to make an effective offering for his introducing singers1 works out to his advantage4 ,the average voice of an octave range is that possessed by those who buy popular songs to sing at home4 ,now here is a helpful hint and another bit of evidence from the music angle1 to emphasize the necessity for the perfect fitting of words and music4 ,let me state it as ,berlin did1 in an article written for the ,green ,book ,magazine3 #c4 ,melodies ,should ,go ,up on ,open ,vowels ,melodies should go up on open vowels in the lyrics--,a1 ,i or ,o4 ,e is half open and ,u is closed4 ,going up on a closed vowel makes enunciation difficult4 ,experience is the only thing warranted to convince beyond doubt1 so test this rule on your own piano4 ,then take down the most popular songs you have in your collection and measure them by it4 #d4 ,put ,punch in ,music ,wherever ,possible ,as we shall see later1 another definition of the popular song-hit might be1 ,a song with a punch in the lyrics and a punch in the music4 ,berlin expressed the application to the problem of melody by the following3 ,in the ',international ,rag1' for example1 ,i got my punch by means of my melody4 ,i used the triplet1 the freak1 from out of my bag of tricks3 ,raggedy melody1 ,full of originality4 #e4 ,punch is ,sometimes ,secured by ,trick of ,repetition ,anatol ,friedland1 who composed the music of ,my ,persian ,rose1 and ,l4 ,wolfe ,gilbert's ,my ,little ,dream ,girl1 in discussing this question1 said3 ,ten notes may be the secret of a popular song success4 ,if ,i can make my listeners remember ten notes of a song that's all ,i ask4 ,whenever they hear these ten notes played they'll say1 ',that's4 4 41' and straightway they'll begin to whistle it4 ,this is the music punch1 and it depends on merit alone4 ,now here's one angle of the musical punch trick3 ,to make a punch more punchy still1 we repeat it at least once1 and sometimes oftener1 in a song4 ,you may start your chorus with it1 repeat it in the middle1 or repeat it at the end4 ,rarely is it repeated in the verse4 ,high-brow composers call it the theme4 ,for the popular song composer1 it's the punch4 ,clever repetition that makes the strain return with delightful satisfaction1 is one of the tricks of the trade--as well as of the art of popular music4 #f4 ,a ,musical ,theme ,might be ,practically the ,entire ,song ,if what ,friedland says is so1 and you may turn to your well-thumbed pile of music for confirmation1 the theme or the punch of popular music may prove the entire song4 ,i mean1 that in its final sales analysis1 the magic bars are what count4 ,to carry this logical examination still further1 it is possible for a popular song to be little more than theme4 ,as a musical theme is the underlying melody out of which the variations are formed1 it is possible to repeat the theme so often that the entire song is little more than clever repetitions4 ,one of the most common methods is to underlay a melody with what ,e4 ,m4 ,wickes1 #a one of the keenest popular song critics of today1 calls the internal vamp4 ,this is the keeping of a melody so closely within its possible octave that the variations play around a very few notes4 ,try on your piano this combination--,d1 ,e flat1 and ,e natural1 or ,f natural1 with varying tempos1 and you will recognize many beginnings of different famous songs they represent4 ,either the verse of these songs starts off with this combination1 or the chorus takes these notes for its beginning4 ,sweet ,adeline and ,on the ,banks of the ,wabash are but two of the many famous songs built on this foundation4 ,of course1 there are other combinations4 ,these few combinations taken together might be considered as the popular idea of easy music4 #a ,mr4 ,wickes has been contributing to ,the ,writer's ,monthly a series of valuable papers under the general caption1 ,helps for ,song ,writers4 ,and now it is through the consideration of the importance of the variations of the theme that we may come to an understanding of what1 for the want of a better phrase1 ,i shall call unexpected punches4 #g4 ,punches not ,suggested by the ,theme ,the impossibility of adequately pointing out by words the specific examples of what ,i mean in certain songs makes it necessary for me to direct you back to your own piano4 ,run over a group of your favorites and see how many musical punches you can find that are not due directly to the theme4 ,pick out the catchy variations in a dozen songs--you may chance on one or two where the biggest punch is not in the theme4 ,of course you may trace it all back to the theme1 but nevertheless it still stands out a distinct punch in the variation4 ,if you can add this punch to your theme-punch1 your song success is assured4 #h4 ,use of ,themes or ,punches of ,other ,songs ,when ,sol ,p4 ,levy1 the composer of ,memories1 the ,dolly ,dip ,dances1 and a score of better-class melodies1 shared my office1 one of our sources of amusement was seeking the original themes from which the popular songs were made4 ,as ,mr4 ,levy was arranging songs for nearly all the big publishers1 we had plenty of material with which to play our favorite indoor sport4 ,it was a rare song1 indeed1 whose musical parent we could not ferret out4 ,nearly all the successful popular songs frankly owned themes that were favorites of other days--some were favorites long before the war4 ,berlin's use of ,way down upon the ,swanee ,river--played in ragtime--for a musical punch in ,alexander's ,ragtime ,band1 was not the first free use of a theme of an old favorite for a punch1 but it was one of the first honestly frank uses4 ,the way he took ,mendelssohn's ,spring ,song and worked it into as daring a rag as he could achieve1 is perhaps the most delightfully impudent1 here-see-what-,i-can-do1 spontaneously and honestly successful lift ever perpetrated4 ,berlin has ragged some of the most perfect themes of grand opera with wonderful success1 but not always so openly4 ,and other composers have done the same thing4 ,the usual method is to take some theme that is filled with memories and make it over into a theme that is just enough like the familiar theme to be haunting4 ,this is the one secret or trick of the popular song trade that has been productive of more money than perhaps any other4 ,this lifting of themes is not plagiarism in the strict sense in which a solemn court of art-independence would judge it4 ,of course it is well within that federal law which makes the copyrightable part of any piece of music as wide open as a barn door1 for you know you can with legal honesty steal the heart of any song1 if you are clever enough1 and want it4 ,the average popular song writer who makes free use of another composer's melody1 doubtless would defend his act with the argument that he is not writing serious music1 only melodies for the passing hour and therefore that he ought to be permitted the artistic license of weaving into his songs themes that are a part of the melodic life of the day4 #a ,but1 although some song writers contend for the right of free use1 they are usually the first to cry stop thief when another composer does the same thing to them4 ,however1 dismissing the ethics of this matter1 right here there lies a warning1 not of art or of law1 but for your own success4 #a ,an interesting article discussing the harm such tactics have done the popular song business is to be found over the signature of ,will ,rossiter in the ,new ,york ,star for ,march #a1 #aiac4 ,never lift a theme of another popular song4 ,never use a lifted theme of any song--unless you can improve on it4 ,and even then never try to hide a theme in your melody as your own--follow ,mr4 ,berlin's method1 if you can1 and weave it frankly into your music4 ,now1 to sum up all that has been said on the music of the popular song3 ,while it is an advantage for one man to write both the words and music of a song1 it is not absolutely essential2 what is essential is that the words and music fit each other so perfectly that the thought of one is inseparable from the other4 ,one octave is the range in which popular music should be written4 ,melodies should go up on open vowels in the lyrics4 ,a punch should be put in the music wherever possible4 ,punch is sometimes secured by the trick of repetition in the chorus1 as well as at the beginning and end4 ,the theme may be and usually is the punch1 but in the variations there may be punches not suggested by the theme4 ,themes1 semi-classical1 or even operatic1 or punches of old favorites may be used--but not those of other popular songs--and then it is best to use them frankly4 ,to state all this in one concise sentence permit me to hazard the following3 ,the music-magic of the popular song lies in a catchy theme stated at1 or close to1 the very beginning1 led into clever variations that round back at least once and maybe twice into the original theme1 and finishing with the theme--which was a punch of intrinsic merit1 made stronger by a repetition that makes it positively haunting4 ,,chapter ,,xxii ,,the ,,elements ,,of ,a ,,successful ,,lyric ,one question about song-writing is often asked but will never be settled3 ,which is more important1 the music or the words8 ,among the publishers with whom ,i have discussed this question is ,louis ,bernstein1 of ,shapiro1 ,bernstein ,co4 ,he summed up what all the other publishers and song-writers ,i have known have said3 ,a great melody may carry a poor lyric to success1 and a great lyric may carry a poor melody2 but for a song to become widely popular you must have both a great melody and a great lyric4 ,this is but another way of stating the fact noted in the preceding chapter1 that the words and music of a popular song-hit are indivisible4 ,and yet ,mr4 ,bernstein gives an authoritative reply to the question with which this chapter opens4 ,charles ,k4 ,harris put it in another way4 ,referring particularly to the ballad--and to the particular style of ballad that has made him famous--he said3 ,the way to the whistling lips is always through the heart4 ,reach the heart through your lyrics1 and the lips will whistle the emotion via the melody4 ,when the heart has not been touched by the lyric1 the lips will prove rebellious4 ,they may1 indeed1 whistle the melody once1 even twice1 but it takes more than that to make a song truly popular4 ,a catchy tune is not sufficient in itself4 ,it goes far1 it is true1 but it will not go the entire distance of popularity1 or even two-thirds of the distance1 unless it is accompanied by a catchy lyric4 ,you may read into this a leaning toward the lyric1 if you like4 ,and it might be better if you did1 for you would then realize that your part of a popular song must be as great as you can make it4 ,but whatever may be your opinion1 it does not alter the fact that both ,mr4 ,harris and ,mr4 ,bernstein have pointed out--catchy words are needed as much as catchy melody4 ,and permit me to say very humbly that personally ,i have no leaning toward the musical one of the twins3 my reason for discussing first the musical elements1 is that a lyric writer often is called on to fit words to music1 and because an understanding of the musical elements forms a fine foundation for an easy1 and therefore a quick1 dissection of the popular song--that is all4 ,i4 ,,what ,a ,,popular ,,song ,,lyric ,,is ,in its original meaning1 a lyric is verse designed to be sung to the accompaniment of music4 ,nowadays lyrical poetry is verse in which the poet's personal emotions are strongly shown4 ,popular song-lyrics especially are not only designed to be sung1 but are verses that show a great deal of emotion--any kind of emotion4 ,but remember this point3 ,whatever and how great soever may be the emotion striving for expression1 the words designed to convey it do not become lyrics until the emotion is shown1 and shown in a sort of verse which we shall presently examine4 ,if you convey emotion1 your words may be worth thousands of dollars4 ,if you fail to convey it1 they will be only a sad joke4 ,as illustrations of this vital point1 and to serve as examples for the examination of the elements of the popular lyric1 read the words of the following famous songs2 and while you are reading them you will see vividly how music completes the lyric4 ,stripped of its music1 a popular song-lyric is often about as attractive as an ancient actress after she has taken off all the make-up that in the setting of the stage made her look like a girl4 ,words with music become magically one1 the moving expression of the emotion of their day4 ,,important ,,note ,all the popular song lyrics quoted in this volume are copyright property and are used by special permission of the publishers1 in each instance personally granted to the author of this book4 ,many of the lyrics have never before been printed without their music4 ,warning3--,republication in any form by anyone whosoever will meet with civil and criminal prosecution by the publishers under the copyright law4 ,,alexander',s ,,ragtime ,,band ,words and ,music by ,,irving ,,berlin ,oh1 ma honey1 oh1 ma honey1 ,better hurry and let's meander1 ,ain't you goin'1 ain't you goin1' ,to the leader man1 ragged meter man1 ,oh1 ma honey1 oh1 ma honey1 ,let me take you to ,alexander's grand stand1 brass band1 ,ain't you comin' along8 ,,chorus ,come on and hear1 come on and hear ,alexander's ragtime band1 ,come on and hear1 come on and hear1 ,it's the best band in the land1 ,they can play a bugle call like you never heard before1 ,so natural that you want to go to war2 ,that's just the bestest band what am1 honey lamb1 ,come on along1 come on along1 ,let me take you by the hand1 ,up to the man1 up to the man1 who's the leader of the band1 ,and if you care to hear the ,swanee ,river played in ragtime1 ,come on and hear1 come on and hear ,alexander's ragtime ,band4 ,oh1 ma honey1 oh1 ma honey1 ,there's a fiddle with notes that screeches1 ,like a chicken1 like a chicken1 ,and the clarinet is a colored pet1 ,come and listen1 come and listen1 ,to a classical band what's peaches1 come now1 somehow1 ,better hurry along4 ,,the ,,trail ,,of ,,the ,,lonesome ,,pine ,words by ,music by ,,ballard ,,macdonald ,,harry ,,carroll ,on a mountain in ,virginia stands a lonesome pine1 ,just below is the cabin home1 of a little girl of mine1 ,her name is ,june1 ,and very very soon1 ,she'll belong to me1 ,for ,i know she's waiting there for me1 ',neath that old pine tree4 ,,refrain ,in the ,blue ,ridge mountains of ,virginia1 ,on the trail of the lonesome pine1 ,in the pale moonshine our hearts entwine1 ,where she carved her name and ,i carved mine1 ,oh1 ,june1 like the mountains ,i'm blue1 ,like the pine1 ,i am lonesome for you1 ,in the ,blue ,ridge mountains of ,virginia1 ,on the trail of the lonesome pine4 ,i can hear the tinkling water-fall far among the hills1 ,bluebirds sing each so merrily1 to his mate rapture thrills1 ,they seem to say1 ,your ,june is lonesome too4 ,longing fills her eyes1 ,she is waiting for you patiently1 ,where the pine tree sighs4 ,,when ,,the ,,bell ,,in ,,the ,,lighthouse ,,rings ,,ding ,,dong ,lyric by ,music by ,,arthur ,j4 ,,lamb ,,alfred ,,solman ,just a glance in your eyes1 my bonnie ,kate1 ,then over the sea go ,i1 ,while the sea-gulls circle around the ship1 ,and the billowy waves roll high4 ,and over the sea and away1 my ,kate1 ,afar to the distant ,west2 ,but ever and ever a thought ,i'll have1 ,for the lassie who loves me best4 ,,refrain ,when the bell in the lighthouse rings ding1 dong1 ,when it clangs with its warning loud and long1 ,then a sailor will think of his sweetheart so true1 ,and long for the day he'll come back to you2 ,and his love will be told in the bell's brave song ,when the bell in the lighthouse rings ding1 dong1 ,ding6 ,dong6 ,ding6 ,dong6 ,when the bell in the lighthouse rings ,ding6 ,dong6 ,ding6 ,dong6 ,for a day is to come1 my bonnie ,kate1 ,when joy in our hearts shall reign ,and we'll laugh to think of the dangers past1 ,when you rest in my arms again4 ,for back to your heart ,i will sail1 my ,kate1 ,with love that is staunch and true2 ,in storm or in calm there's a star of hope1 ,that's always to shine for you4 ,,sweet ,,italian ,,love ,words by ,music by ,,irving ,,berlin ,,ted ,,snyder ,everyone talk-a how they make-a da love ,call-a da sweet name like-a da dove1 ,it makes me sick when they start in to speak-a ,bout the moon way up above4 ,what's-a da use to have-a big-a da moon8 ,what's the use to call-a da dove ,if he no like-a she1 and she no like-a he1 ,the moon can't make them love4 ,but1 ,,chorus ,sweet ,italian love1 ,nice ,italian love1 ,you don't need the moon-a-light your love to tell her1 ,in da house or on da roof or in da cellar1 ,dat's ,italian love1 ,sweet ,italian love2 ,when you kiss-a your pet1 ,and it's-a like-a spagette1 ,dat's ,italian love4 ,ev'ryone say they like da moon-a da light1 ,there's one-a man up in da moon all-a right1 ,but he no tell-a that some other nice feller ,was-a kiss your gal last night4 ,maybe you give your gal da wedding-a ring1 ,maybe you marry1 like-a me ,maybe you love your wife1 maybe for all your life1 ,but dat's only maybe4 ,but1 ,,chorus ,sweet ,italian love1 ,nice ,italian love1 ,when you squeeze your gal and she no say1 ,please stop-a6 ,when you got dat twenty kids what call you ,papa6 ,dat's ,italian love1 ,sweet ,italian love2 ,when you kiss one-a time1 ,and it's-a feel like-a mine1 ,dat's ,italian love6 ,,oh ,,how ,,that ,,german ,,could ,,love ,words by ,music by ,,irving ,,berlin ,,ted ,,snyder ,once ,i got stuck on a sweet little ,german1 ,and oh what a ,german was she1 ,the best what was walking1 well1 what's the use talking1 ,was just made to order for me4 ,so lovely and witty2 more yet1 she was pretty1 ,you don't know until you have tried4 ,she had such a figure1 it couldn't be bigger1 ,and there was some one yet beside4 ,,chorus ,oh how that ,german could love1 ,with a feeling that came from the heart1 ,she called me her honey1 her angel1 her money1 ,she pushed every word out so smart4 ,she spoke like a speaker1 and oh what a speech1 ,like no other speaker could speak2 ,ach my1 what a ,german when she kissed her ,herman1 ,it stayed on my cheek for a week4 ,this girl ,i could squeeze1 and it never would hurt1 ,for that lady knew how to squeeze2 ,her loving was killing1 more yet1 she was willing1 ,you never would have to say please4 ,i just couldn't stop her1 for dinner and supper1 ,some dishes and hugs was the food2 ,when she wasn't nice it was more better twice2 ,when she's bad she was better than good4 ,sometimes we'd love for a week at a time1 ,and it only would seem like a day2 ,how well ,i remember1 one night in ,december1 ,i felt like the middle of ,may4 ,i'll bet all ,i'm worth1 that when she came on earth1 ,all the angels went out on parade2 ,no other one turned up1 ,i think that they burned up ,the pattern from which she was made4 ,,when ,,it ,,strikes ,,home ,words and ,music by ,,charles ,k4 ,,harris ,you sit at home and calmly read your paper1 ,which tells of thousands fighting day by day1 ,of homeless babes and girls who've lost their sweet-hearts1 ,but to your mind it all seems far away4 ,,refrain ,when it strikes home1 gone is the laughter1 ,when it strikes home your heart's forlorn1 ,when it strikes home the tears fall faster1 ,for those dear ones who've passed and gone4 ,and when you hear of brave boys dying1 ,you may not care1 they're not your own2 ,but just suppose you lost your loved ones1 ,that is the time when it strikes home4 ,out on the street1 a newsboy crying ,extra1 ,another ship has gone down1 they say2 ',tis then you kiss your wife and little daughter1 ,give heartfelt thanks that they are safe today4 ,,my ,,little ,,dream ,,girl ,words by ,music by ,l4 ,,wolfe ,,gilbert ,,anatol ,,friedland ,the night time1 the night time is calling me1 ,it's dream-time1 sweet dream-time1 for you and me4 ,i'm longing1 ,i'm longing to close my eyes1 ,for there a sweet vision lies4 ,,refrain ,my little dream girl1 ,you pretty dream girl1 ,sometimes ,i seem1 girl1 to own your heart4 ,each night you haunt me1 ,by day you taunt me1 ,i want you1 ,i want you1 ,i need you so4 ,don't let me waken1 ,learn ,i'm mistaken1 ,find my faith shaken1 in you1 sweetheart4 ,i'd sigh for1 ,i'd cry for1 sweet dreams forever1 ,my little dream girl1 good-night4 ,while shadows are creeping through darkest night1 ,in dream-land1 sweet dream-land1 there's your love-light4 ,it's beaming1 it's gleaming1 and all for me1 ,your vision ,i long to see4 ,,memories ,lyric by ,music by ,,brett ,,page ,,sol4 ,p4 ,,levy ,oh1 those happy days1 when first we met1 before you said good-bye1 ,you soon forgot1 ,i can't forget1 no matter how ,i try1 ,those happy hours like incense burn1 ,they're all that's left for me1 ,you took my heart and in return ,you gave a memory4 ,oh1 memories1 dear memories1 of days ,i can't forget1 ,dear memories1 sweet memories1 my eyes with tears grow wet1 ,for like a rose that loves the sun1 ,and left to die when day is done1 ,i gave my all1 the heart you won1 ,sweetheart1 ,i can't forget4 ,in all my dreams ,i dream of you1 your arms enfold me1 dear4 ,your tender voice makes dreams seem true1 your lips to mine are near4 ,but when ,i turn your kiss to take1 ,you turn away from me1 ,in bitter sadness ,i awake1 ,awake to memory4 ,oh1 memories1 dear memories1 a face ,i can't forget1 ,oh1 memories1 sweet memories1 a voice that haunts me yet1 ,for like a rose that loves the sun1 ,and left to die when day is done1 ,i gave my all1 the heart you won1 ,sweetheart1 ,i can't forget4 ,,put ,,on ,,your ,,old ,,grey ,,bonnet ,words by ,music by ,,stanley ,,murphy ,,percy ,,wenright ,on the old farm-house veranda ,there sat ,silas and ,miranda1 ,thinking of the days gone by4 ,said he ,dearie1 don't be weary1 ,you were always bright and cheery1 ,but a tear1 dear1 dims your eye4 ,said she1 ,they're tears of gladness1 ,silas1 they're not tears of sadness1 ,it is fifty years today since we were wed4 ,then the old man's dim eyes brightened1 ,and his stern old heart it lightened1 ,as he turned to her and said3 ,,chorus ,put on your old grey bonnet with the blue ribbons on it1 ,while ,i hitch old ,dobbin to the shay1 ,and through the fields of clover1 we'll drive up to ,dover1 ,on our ,golden ,wedding ,day4 ,it was in the same old bonnet1 ,with the same blue ribbon on it1 ,in the old shay by his side1 ,that he drove her up to ,dover1 ,thro' the same old fields of clover1 ,to become his happy bride4 ,the birds were sweetly singing ,and the same old bells were ringing1 ,as they passed the quaint old church where they were wed4 ,and that night when stars were gleaming1 ,the old couple lay a-dreaming1 ,dreaming of the words he said3 ,,there',s ,a ,,little ,,spark ,,of ,,love ,,still ,,burning ,words by ,music by ,,joe ,,mccarthy ,,fred ,,fischer ,there was a fire burning in my heart1 ,burning for years and for years1 ,your love and kisses gave that flame a start1 ,i put it out with my tears2 ,you don't remember1 ,i can't forget1 ,that old affection lives with me yet1 ,i keep on longing1 to my regret1 ,i know ,i can't forget4 ,,chorus ,there's a little spark of love still burning1 ,and yearning down in my heart for you1 ,there's a longing there for your returning1 ,i want you1 ,i do6 ,so come1 come1 to my heart again1 ,come1 come1 set that love aflame1 ,for there's a little spark of love still burning1 ,and yearning for you4 ,i left you laughing when ,i said good-bye1 ,laughing1 but nobody knew ,how much relief ,i found when ,i could cry1 ,i cried my heart out for you2 ,i've loved you more than you ever know1 ,though years have passed ,i've wanted you so1 ,bring back the old love1 let new love grow1 ,come back and whisper low3 ,,when ,i ,,lost ,,you ,by ,,irving ,,berlin ,the roses each one1 met with the sun1 ,sweetheart1 when ,i met you4 ,the sunshine had fled1 the roses were dead1 ,sweetheart1 when ,i lost you4 ,,chorus ,i lost the sunshine and roses1 ,i lost the heavens of blue1 ,i lost the beautiful rainbow1 ,i lost the morning dew2 ,i lost the angel who gave me ,summer the whole winter through1 ,i lost the gladness that turned into sadness1 ,when ,i lost you4 ,the birds ceased their song1 right turned to wrong1 ,sweetheart1 when ,i lost you4 ,a day turned to years1 the world seem'd in tears1 ,sweetheart1 when ,i lost you4 ,,ii4 ,,qualities ,,of ,,the ,,popular ,,song ,,lyric ,having read these eleven lyrics of varying emotions1 note the rather obvious fact that #a4 ,most ,popular ,songs ,have ,two ,verses and ,one ,chorus ,i am not now speaking of the production song1 which may have a dozen verses1 and as many different catch-lines in the chorus to stamp the one chorus as many different choruses1 but only of the popular song4 ,and furthermore1 while two different choruses are sometimes used in popular songs1 the common practice is to use but one chorus4 ,now let us see the reason for a peculiarity that must have struck you in reading these lyrics4 #b4 ,a ,regular ,metre is ,rare ,metre is the arrangement of emphatic and unemphatic syllables in verse on a measured plan1 and is attained by the use of short syllables of speech varied in different rotations by long syllables4 ,the metrical character of ,english poetry depends upon the recurrence of similarly accented syllables at short and more or less regular intervals4 ,let us take this as the definition of what ,i mean by metre in the few sentences in which ,i shall use the word4 ,among recognized poets there has always been a rather strict adherence to regularity of form4 ,indeed1 at times in the history of literature1 poetry1 to be considered poetry1 had to confine itself to an absolutely rigid form4 ,in such periods it has been as though the poet were presented with a box1 whose depth and breadth and height could not be altered1 and were then ordered to fill it full of beautiful thoughts expressed in beautiful words1 and to fill it exactly1 or be punished by having his work considered bad4 ,in ages past this rigidity of rule used to apply to the song-poet also1 although the minstrel has always been permitted more latitude than other poets4 ,to-day1 however1 the poet of the popular song may write in any measure his fancy dictates1 and he may make his metre as regular or as irregular as he wishes4 ,he may do anything he wants1 in a song4 ,certainly1 his language need not be either exact or literary4 ,practically all that is demanded is that his lyrics convey emotion4 ,the song-poet's license permits a world of metrical and literary sinning4 ,i am not either apologizing for or praising this condition--,i am simply stating a proved fact4 #c4 ,irregularity of ,metre ,may ,even ,be a ,virtue ,even without scanning the lyrics of the eleven songs you have just read their irregularity of metre is plain4 ,it is so plain that some of the irregularities rise up and smite your ears4 ,this is why some popular songs seem so impossible without their music4 ,and the reason why they seem so pleasing with their music is that the music takes the place of regularity with delightful satisfaction4 ,the very irregularity is what often gives the composer his opportunity to contribute melodious punches1 for the words of a popular song are a series of catchy phrases4 ,in some cases irregularity in a song may be the crowning virtue that spells success4 #d4 ,regularity and ,precision of ,rhymes ,are ,not ,necessary ,there is no need to point to specific examples of the lack of regularity in the recurrence of rhymes in most of the lyric specimens here printed1 or in other famous songs4 ,nor is there any necessity to instance the obvious lack of precise rhyming4 ,neither of these poetic qualities has ever been a virtue of the average popular song-poet4 ,so far as the vital necessities of the popular song go1 rhymes may occur regularly or irregularly1 with fine effect in either instance1 and the rhymes may be precise or not4 ,to rhyme moon with ,june is not unforgivable4 ,the success of a popular song depends on entirely different bases4 ,nevertheless1 a finely turned bit of rhyming harmony may strike the ear and stand out from its fellows like a lovely symphony of fancy4 ,if you have given any attention to this point of rhyming you can recall many instances of just what ,i mean4 #e4 ,strive for ,regular and ,precise ,rhyming--,if ,fitting ,if you can be regular and if you can be precise in the use of rhymes in your song-poem1 be regular and be precise4 ,don't be irregular and slovenly just because others have been and succeeded4 ,you will not succeed if you build your lyrics on the faults and not on the virtues of others4 ,the song-poem that gleams like a flawless gem will have a wider and more lasting success--all other things being equal4 ,on the other hand1 it is absolutely fatal to strive for regularity and precision1 and thereby lose expression4 ,if you have to choose1 choose irregularity and faulty rhymes4 ,this is an important bit of advice1 for a song-poem is not criticized for its regularity and precision--it is either taken to heart and loved in spite of its defects1 or is forgotten as valueless4 ,as ,winifred ,black wrote of her child1 ,i love her not for her virtues1 but oh1 for the endearing little faults that make her what she is4 #f4 ,hints ,on ,lyric ,measures ,reference to the lyrics already instanced will show you that they are written in various measures4 ,and while it is foreign to my purpose to discuss such purely technical points of poetry1 #a permit me to direct your attention to a few points of song measure4 #a ,the ,art of ,versification1 by ,j4 ,berg ,esenwein and ,mary ,eleanor ,roberts--one of the volumes in ,the ,writer's ,library--covers this subject with a thoroughness it would be useless for me to attempt4 ,therefore if you wish to take this subject up more in detail1 ,i refer you to this excellent book4 ,an individual poetic measure is attained by the use of metre in a certain distinct way4 ,because the normal combinations of the emphatic and the unemphatic syllables of the ,english language are but five1 there are only five different poetic measures4 ,let us now see how an investigation of the bafflingly unexact measures of our examples will yield--even though their irregular natures will not permit of precise poetic instances--the few helpful hints we require4 7a7 ,the first measure--called by students of poetry the trochaic measure--is founded on the use of a long or emphatic syllable followed by a short or unemphatic syllable1 ,it has a light1 tripping movement1 therefore it is peculiarly fitted for the expression of lively subjects4 ,one of our examples shows this rather clearly3 ' ' ' ' ' ,there's a little spark of love still burning ,yet this is not a measure that is commonly found in the popular song4 ,other combinations seem to fit popular song needs quite as well1 if not better4 7b7 ,the second measure--called the iambic measure--is the reverse of the first4 ,that is1 the short or unemphatic syllable precedes the long or emphatic syllable4 ,alexander's ,ragtime ,band uses this measure at the beginning of the chorus4 ' ' ' ' ,come on and hear come on and hear ,the first verse of ,mr4 ,harris's song shows this measure even more clearly3 ' ' ' ' ' ,you sit at home and calm ly read your pa per ,this second measure1 being less sustained in syllabic force1 is more easily kept up than the first measure4 ,it is therefore in common use4 7c7 ,the third measure--called the dactylic measure--is formed of a combination of three syllables4 ,its characteristic is an emphatic syllable followed by two unemphatic syllables1 as3 ' ' ,the old oak en buck et ' ' ,the iron bound buck et 7d7 ,the fourth measure--called by the frighteningly long name of amphibrachic measure--is formed by a short or unemphatic syllable followed by a long or emphatic syllable1 which is followed again by another short or unemphatic syllable4 ' ' ' ,i won der who's kiss ing her now 7e7 ,the fifth measure--called anapestic measure--is made up of two short or unemphatic followed by a long or emphatic syllable4 ' ' ' ,when the bell in the light house rings ding dong ,all these three-syllabic measures have a quicker movement than the two-syllabic1 owing to the greater number of unaccented1 unemphatic syllables4 ,they lend themselves to a rushing impetuosity of expression which is the notable characteristic of the popular song4 ,but they are not always regular1 even in high-grade poetry4 ,therefore in the popular song we may look for1 and certainly be sure to find1 all sorts of variations from the regular forms here given4 ,indeed1 regularity1 as has been clearly pointed out1 is the exception and not the rule2 for few single lines1 and1 in a still more marked degree1 almost no songs1 adhere to one measure throughout4 ,precisely as apt alliteration's artful aid may be used or not used as may suit his purpose best1 so the song-writer makes regularity of measure subservient to the effect he desires4 ,however1 ,i give these examples not with a view to the encouragement of either regularity or irregularity4 ,my purpose is to show you what combinations are possible1 and to say1 as the jockey whispers in the eager ear of the racehorse he has held back so long1 ,go to it6 ,break every rule you want to--only break a record4 ,as ,mr4 ,berlin said1 ,i've broken every rule of versification and of music1 and the result has often been an original twist4 ,in popular songs a comparative ignorance of music is an advantage4 ,further1 since my vocabulary is somewhat limited through lack of education1 it follows that my lyrics are simple4 ,this is only ,berlin's modest way of saying that not one in ten successful song-writers know anything about the art of music1 and that very few are well enough educated to err on the side of involved language and write other than simple lyrics4 ,he drew the application as to himself alone1 although his native genius makes it less true of him than of many another less gifted4 ,the big point of this observation lies in his emphasis on the fact that #g4 ,simple ,lyrics and ,simple ,music ,are ,necessary ,perhaps in ,mr4 ,berlin's statement rests the explanation of the curious fact that nearly all the successful popular song-writers are men who had few educational advantages in youth4 ,most of them are self-made men who owe their knowledge of ,english and the art of writing to their own efforts4 ,conversely1 it may also explain why many well-educated persons strive for success in song-writing in vain4 ,they seem to find it difficult to acquire the chief lyric virtue--simplicity4 ,not only must the words of a popular song be easy1 but the idea of the lyric must be simple4 ,you cannot express a complex idea in the popular song-form1 which is made up of phrases that sometimes seem short and abrupt4 ,and1 even if you could overcome this technical difficulty1 you would not find an audience that could grasp your complex idea4 ,remember that a majority of the purchasers of popular songs buy them at the five- and ten-cent store4 ,to sell songs to this audience1 you must make your music easy to sing1 your words easy to say and your idea simple and plain4 #h4 ,rhythm the ,secret of ,successful ,songs ,being barred from other than the simplest of ways1 by his own limitations1 his introducers and his market1 the song-writer has to depend upon a purely inherent quality in his song for appeal4 ,this appeal is complex in its way1 being composed of the lure of music1 rhyme and emotion1 but when analyzed all the parts are found to have one element in common4 ,this element to which all parts contribute is rhythm4 ,now by rhythm ,i do not mean rhyme1 nor metre1 nor regularity4 ,it has nothing necessarily to do with poetic measures nor with precision of rhymes4 ,let me attempt to convey what ,i mean by saying that the rhythm of a song is1 as ,irving ,berlin said1 the swing4 ,to the swing of a song everything in it contributes4 ,perhaps it will be clearer when ,i say that rhythm is compounded of the exactness with which the words clothe the idea and with which the music clothes the words1 and the fineness with which both words and music fit the emotion4 ,rhythm is singleness of effect4 ,yet rhythm is more--it is singleness of effect plus a sort of hypnotic fascination4 ,and here we must rest as nearly content as we can1 for the final effect of any work of art does not admit of dissection4 ,i have shown you some of the elements which contribute to making a popular song popular1 and in the next chapter we shall see still others which are best discussed in the direct application of the writing1 but even the most careful exposition must halt at the heart of the mystery of art4 ,the soul of a song defies analysis4 #i4 ,where the ,punch in the ,lyric is ,placed ,just as it is necessary for a popular song to have a punch somewhere in its music1 so it must come somewhere in its lyric4 ,just what a lyrical punch is may be seen in the chorus of ,the ,trail of the ,lonesome ,pine4 ,in the ,blue ,ridge ,mountains of ,virginia1 ,on the trail of the lonesome pine1 ,in the pale moonshine our hearts entwine1 ,where she carved her name and ,i carved mine1 ,oh1 ,june1 like the mountains ,i'm blue1 ,like the pine1 ,i am lonesome for you6 ,in the ,blue ,ridge mountains of ,virginia1 ,on the trail of the lonesome pine4 ,the underlined words are plainly the punch lines of this famous song--the most attractive lines of the whole lyric4 ,note where they are placed--in the chorus1 and next to the last lines4 ,read the chorus of ,my ,little ,dream ,girl and you will find a similar example of punch lines3 ,i'd sigh for1 ,i'd cry for1 sweet dreams forever1 ,my little dream girl1 good night4 ,these1 also1 are placed next to the last lines of the chorus4 ,the punch lines of ,when it ,strikes ,home1 are found in ,and when you hear of brave boys dying1 ,you may not care1 they're not your own1 ,but just suppose you lost your loved one ,that is the time when it strikes home4 ,here the punch is placed at the very end of the chorus4 ,now test every song on your piano by this laboratory method4 ,you will find that while there may be punch lines at the end of the verses there are nearly always punch lines at the end of the chorus4 ,there must be a reason for this similarity in all these popular songs4 ,and the reason is this3 ,the emphatic parts of a sentence are the beginning and end4 ,the emphatic part of a paragraph is the end4 ,if you have a number of paragraphs1 the last must be the most emphatic4 ,this is a common rule of composition founded on the law of attention--we remember best what is said last4 ,the same thing is true of songs4 ,and song-writers are compelled by vaudeville performers to put a punch near the end of their choruses because the performer must reap applause4 ,thus commerce keeps the song-writer true to the laws of good art4 ,therefore remember3 ,the most attractive lines of a popular song must be the last lines1 or next to the last lines1 of the chorus4 ,this holds true whether the song is a sob ballad or a humorous number4 ,and--strictly adhering to this rule--put a punch1 if you can1 at the end of each verse4 ,but whether you put a punch at the end of a verse or not1 always put a punch close to the end of your chorus4 #aj4 ,contrast an ,element of the ,punch ,one of the easiest ways of securing the vitally necessary punch lies in contrast4 ,particularly is this true in humorous songs--it is the quick twist that wins the laughter4 ,but in all songs contrast may form a large part of the punch element4 ,the ways of securing a contrast are too many to permit of discussion here1 but ,i name a few3 ,you may get contrast by switching the application as ,harris did in3 ,you may not care1 they're not your own1 ,but just suppose you lost your loved one4 ,or you may get contrast by changing your metre and using a contrasting measure4 ,while you may do this in the middle of the chorus1 it is nearly always done throughout the chorus4 ,i mean that the measure of the chorus is usually different from the measure used in the verse4 ,and of course when you change the measure of your lyric1 the movement of the music changes too4 ,it is in the resulting contrasting melody that lies much of the charm of the popular song4 ,but1 whatever means you use1 be sure you have a contrast somewhere in your lyric--a contrast either of subject matter1 poetic measure or musical sounds4 #aa4 ,love the ,greatest ,single ,element ,if you will review all the great song successes of this year and of all the years that are past1 you will come to the conclusion that without love there could be no popular song4 ,of course there have been songs that have not had the element of love concealed anywhere in their lyrics1 but they are the exceptions4 ,if your song is not founded on love1 it is well to add this element1 for when you remember that the song's reason for being is emotion1 and that the most moving emotion in the world is love1 it would seem to be a grave mistake to write any song that did not offer this easy bid for favor4 ,if you have not love in your lyrics make haste to remedy the defect4 ,the ballad is perhaps the one form by which the greatest number of successful song-writers have climbed to fame4 ,it is also one of the easiest types to write4 ,it should seem worth while1 then1 for the newcomer to make a ballad one of his earliest bids for fame4 #ab4 ,the ,title ,the title of a song is the advertising line1 and therefore it must be the most attractive in your song4 ,it is the whole song summed up in one line4 ,it may be a single word or a half-dozen words4 ,it is not the punch line always4 ,it is often the very first line of the chorus1 but it is usually the last line4 ,there is little need for constructive thought in choosing a title4 ,all that is necessary is to select the best advertising line already written4 ,you have only to take the most prominent line and write it at the top of your lyrics4 ,study the titles of the songs in this chapter and you will see how easy it is to select your title after you have written your song4 ,to sum up3 a great lyric is as necessary to the success of a popular song as a great melody1 but not more necessary4 ,a lyric is a verse that conveys a great deal of emotion4 ,most popular songs have two verses and one chorus4 ,a regular metre is rare2 irregularity may even be a virtue4 ,the regular occurrence of rhymes and precise rhymes are not necessary--but it is better to strive after regularity and precision4 ,there are five lyrical measures common to all poetry1 but you may break every rule if you only break a record4 ,rhythm--the swing--is the secret of successful songs4 ,every lyric must have one or more punch lines--which may occur at the end of each verse1 but must be found in the last lines of the chorus4 ,contrast--either of idea1 poetic measure or music--is one sure way of securing the punch4 ,love is the greatest single element that makes for success in a song idea4 ,the one-word standard of popular-song writing is simplicity--music easy to sing1 words easy to say1 the idea simple and plain4 ,,chapter ,,xxiii ,,writing ,,the ,,popular ,,song ,in the preceding chapters we saw how the elements of a popular song are nearly identical in music and in lyrics1 no matter how the styles of songs may differ4 ,in this chapter we shall see how these elements may be combined--irrespective of styles--into a song that the boy on the street will whistle1 and the hand organs grind out until you nearly go mad with the repetition of its rhythm4 ,not only because it will be interesting1 but because such an insight will help to a clear understanding of methods ,i shall ask you to glance into a popular song publisher's professional department4 ,i4 ,a ,,popular ,,song ,,in ,,the ,,making ,a very large room--an entire floor1 usually--is divided into a reception room1 where vaudeville and cabaret performers are waiting their turns to rehearse1 and half-a-dozen little rooms1 each containing a piano4 ,as the walls of these rooms are never very thick1 and often are mere partitions running only two-thirds of the way to the ceiling1 the discord of conflicting songs is sometimes appalling4 ,every once in a while some performer comes to the manager of the department and insists on being rehearsed by the writers of the latest song-hit themselves4 ,and as often as not the performer is informed that the writers are out4 ,in reality1 perhaps1 they are working on a new song in a back room4 ,being especially privileged1 let us go into that back room and watch them at work4 ,all there is in the room is a piano and a few chairs4 ,one of the chairs has a broad arm1 or there may be a tiny table or a desk4 ,with this slender equipment two persons are working as though the salvation of the world depended on their efforts4 ,one of them is at the piano and the other is frowning over a piece of paper covered with pencil marks4 ,perhaps the composer had the original idea--a theme for a melody4 ,perhaps the lyric writer had one line--an idea for a song4 ,it does not matter at all which had the idea originally1 both are obsessed by it now4 ,play the chorus over1 will you8 growls the writer4 ,obediently the composer pounds away1 with the soft pedal on1 and the writer sings his words so that the composer can hear them4 ,there comes a line that doesn't fit4 ,no good6 they say together4 ,can't you change that bar8 inquires the writer4 ,i'll try1 says the composer4 ,gimme the sheet4 ,they prop it up on the piano and sing it together4 ,shut up6 says the composer4 ,and the writer keeps still until the other has pounded the offending bar to fit4 ,or perhaps the writer gets a new line that fits the music4 ,how's this8 he cries with the intonation ,columbus must have used when he discovered the new world4 ,punk6 comments the composer4 ,you can't rhyme 'man' with 'grand' and get away with it these days4 ,oh1 all right1 grumbles the harassed song-poet1 and changes both lines to a better rhyme4 ,i don't like that part1 he gets back at the composer1 it sounds like ',waiting at the ,church4' ,how's this1 then8 inquires the composer1 changing two notes4 ,fine1 says the lyric writer1 for the new variation has a hauntingly familiar sound1 too elusive to label--is amazingly catchy4 ,for hours1 perhaps1 they go on in this way--changing a note here1 a whole bar there1 revising the lyric every few lines1 substituting a better rhyme for a bad one1 and building the whole song into a close-knit unity4 ,at last the song is in pretty good shape4 ,as yet there is no second verse1 but the ,boss is called in and the boys sing him the new song4 ,change 'dream' to 'vision'--it sounds better1 he says2 or he may have a dozen suggestions--perhaps he gives the song a new punch line4 ,he does his part in building it up1 and then the arranger is called in4 ,with a pad of manuscript music paper1 and a flying pencil1 he jots down the melody nearly as fast as the composer can pound it out on the piano4 ,get a 'lead-sheet' ready as quick as you can1 commands the ,boss4 ,we'll try it out tonight4 ,right6 grunts the arranger1 and rushes away to give the melody a touch here and there4 ,as often as not1 he comes back to tell the composer how little that worthy knows about music and to demand that a note be changed or a whole bar recast to make it easier to play1 but at last he appears with a lead-sheet--a mere suggestion of the song to be played1 with all the discretion the pianist commands--and the composer1 the lyric writer and the ,boss go across the street to some cabaret and try out the new song4 ,here1 before an audience1 they can tell how much of a song they really have4 ,they may have something that is a winner1 and they may see that their first judgment was wrong--they may have only the first idea of a hit4 ,but let us suppose that the song is a knock 'em off their seats kind1 that we may get down to the moral of this little narrative of actual happenings4 ,the pluggers are called in and bidden to memorize the song4 ,they spend the afternoon singing it over and over again--and then they go out at night and sing it in a dozen different places all over the city4 ,on their reports and on what the ,boss sees himself as he visits place after place1 the decision is made to publish immediately or to work the song over again4 ,it is the final test before an audience that determines the fate of any song4 ,the new song may never be sung again1 or tomorrow the whole city may be whistling it4 ,and now permit me to indicate a point that lies in the past of the song we have seen in process of manufacture3 ,from somewhere the composer gets an idea for a melody--from somewhere the lyric writer gets an idea for a lyric4 ,but we must put the music of a song to one side and devote our attention to the lyric4 ,,ii4 ,,points ,,on ,,song ,,building #a4 ,sources of ,ideas for ,song ,lyrics ,as a popular song becomes popular because it fits into the life of the day and is the individual expression of the spirit of the moment1 ,charles ,k4 ,harris was doubtless right when he said3 ,the biggest secret of success1 according to my own system1 is the following out in songs of ideas current in the national brain at the moment4 ,my biggest song successes have always reflected the favorite emotion--if ,i may use the word--of the people of the day4 ,how do ,i gauge this8 ,through the drama6 ,the drama moves in irregular cycles1 and changes in character according to the specific tastes of the public4 ,the yearly mood of the nation is reflected by the drama and the theatrical entertainment of the year4 ,at least1 ,i figure it out this way1 and compose my songs accordingly4 ,here are just two instances of my old successes built on this plan3 ,when ',the ,old ,homestead' and ',in ,old ,kentucky' were playing to crowded houses1 ,i wrote '',midst the ,green ,fields of ,virginia' and ',in the ,hills of ,old ,carolina1' and won4 ,then when ,gillette's war plays1 ',held by the ,enemy' and ',secret ,service' caught the national eye1 ,i caught the national ear with ',just ,break the ,news to ,mother4' ,but these are examples enough to show you how the system works4 ,irving ,berlin said1 ,you can get a song idea from anywhere4 ,i have studied the times and produced such songs as ',in ,my ,harem' when the ,greeks were fleeing from the ,turks and the harem was a humorous topic in the daily newspapers4 ,and ,i have got ideas from chance remarks of my friends4 ,for instance3 ,i wrote ',my ,wife's ,gone to the ,country' from the remark made to me by a friend when ,i asked him what time he was going home4 ',i don't have to go home1' he said1 'my wife's gone to the country4' ,it struck me as a great idea for a title for a song1 but ,i needed a note of jubilation1 so ,i added ',hooray1 ,hooray6' ,the song almost wrote itself4 ,i had the chorus done in a few minutes1 then ,i dug into the verse1 and it was finished in a few hours4 ,l4 ,wolfe ,gilbert wrote ,robert ,e4 ,lee from the picture lines in one of his older songs1 ,mammy's ,shuffiing ,dance and a good old-fashioned argument that he and ,i had about the famous old ,mississippi steamboat4 ,that night when ,i came back to the office we shared1 ,gilbert read me his lyric4 ,from the first the original novelty of the song was apparent1 and in a few days the country was whistling the levee dance of ',daddy' and ',mammy1' and ',ephram' and ',sammy1' as they waited for the ,robert ,e4 ,lee4 ,had ,gilbert ever seen a levee8 ,no--but out of his genius grew a song that sold into the millions4 ,most of our songs come from imagination1 said ,joe ,mc,carthy4 ,a song-writer's mind is ever alert for something new4 ,what might pass as a casual remark to an outsider1 might be a great idea to a writer4 ,for instance1 a very dear young lady friend might have said1 ',you made me love you--,i didn't want to do it4' ,of course no young lady friend said that to me--,i just imagined it4 ,and then ,i went right on and imagined what that young lady would have said if she had followed that line of thought to a climax4 ,it's the chance remark that counts a lot to the lyric writer1 said ,ballard ,mac,donald4 ,you might say something that you would forget the next minute--while ,i might seize that phrase and work over it until ,i had made it a lyric4 ,but1 however the original idea comes--whether it creeps up in a chance remark of a friend1 or the national mood of the moment is carefully appraised and expressed1 or seized out of the air1 let us suppose you have an idea1 and are ready to write your song4 ,the very first thing you do1 nine chances out of ten1 is to follow the usual method of song-writers3 #b4 ,write ,your ,chorus ,first ,the popular song is only as good as its chorus4 ,for whistling purposes there might just as well be no verses at all4 ,but of course you must have a first verse to set your scene and lead up to your chorus1 and a second verse to finish your effect and give you the opportunity to pound your chorus home4 ,therefore you begin to write your chorus around your big idea4 ,this idea is expressed in one line--your title1 your catchy line1 your idea line1 if you like--and if you will turn to the verses of the songs reproduced in these chapters you will be able to determine about what percentage of times the idea line is used to introduce the chorus4 ,but do not rest content with this examination2 carry your investigation to all the songs on your piano4 ,establish for yourself1 by this laboratory method1 how often the idea line is used as a chorus introduction4 ,whether your idea line is used to introduce your chorus or not1 it is usually wise to end your chorus with it4 ,most choruses--but not all1 as ,put on your ,old ,grey ,bonnet1 would suggest--end with the idea line1 on the theory that the emphatic spots in any form of writing are at the beginning and the end--and of these the more emphatic is the end4 ,therefore1 you must now concentrate your chorus to bring in that idea line as the very last line4 #c4 ,make the ,chorus ,convey ,emotion ,as we saw in the previous chapter1 a lyric is a set of verses that conveys emotion4 ,the purpose of the first verse is to lead up to the emotion--which the chorus expresses4 ,while1 as ,i shall demonstrate later1 a story may be proper to the verses1 a story is rarely told in the chorus4 ,i mean1 of course1 a story conveyed by pure narrative1 for emotion may convey a story by sheer lyrical effect4 ,narrative is what you must strive to forget in a chorus--in your chorus you must convey emotion swiftly--that is1 with a punch4 ,while it is impossible for anyone to tell you how to convey emotion1 one can point out one of the inherent qualities of emotional speech4 #d4 ,convey ,emotion by ,broad ,strokes ,when a man rushes through the corridors of a doomed liner he does not stop to say1 ,the ship has struck an iceberg--or has been torpedoed--and is sinking1 you'd better get dressed quickly and get on deck and jump into the boats4 ,he hasn't time4 ,he cries1 ,the ship's sinking6 ,to the boats6 ,this is precisely the way the song-writer conveys his effect4 ,he not only cuts out the thes and the ands and the ofs and its and perhapses--he shaves his very thoughts down--as the lyrics printed in these chapters so plainly show--until even logic of construction seems engulfed by the flood of emotion4 ,pare down your sentences until you convey the dramatic meaning of your deep emotion1 not by a logical sequence of sentences1 but by revealing flashes4 #e4 ,put ,your ,punch in ,clear ,words ,near the ,end ,and now you must centre all your thoughts on your punch lines4 ,punch lines1 as we saw1 are sometimes the entire point of a song--they are what makes a popular lyric get over the footlights when a performer sings the song and they are the big factor--together with the music punches--that make a song popular4 ,however lyrical you have been in the beginning of your chorus1 you must now summon all your lyrical ability to your aid to write these1 the fate-deciding lines4 ,but note that emotion1 however condensed the words may be that express it1 must not be so condensed that it is incoherent4 ,you must make your punch lines as clear in words as though you were drawing a diagram to explain a problem in geometry4 ,the effect you must secure is that of revealing clearness4 ,be very careful not to anticipate your punch lines4 ,for instance1 if ,mr4 ,gilbert had used ,all day ,i sigh1 all night ,i cry1 before ,i'd sigh for1 ,i'd cry for1 sweet dreams forever in his ,my ,little ,dream ,girl1 the whole effect would have been lost4 ,as your punch lines must be the most attractive lines1 keep them new and fresh1 by excluding from the rest of your song anything like them4 ,if you can put your punch in the very last lines1 fine4 ,if you wish to put your punch lines just before the last two lines--in the third and fourth lines from the last--well and good4 ,but it is never wise to put your punch so far from the end that your audience will forget it before you finish and expect something more4 ,it is a good rule to write your punch lines and then end your song4 ,having constructed your chorus from a beginning that uses or does not use your idea line1 and having by broad strokes that convey emotion developed it into your punch lines1 you end your chorus1 usually1 but not invariably1 with your idea line--your title line4 ,now you are ready to write your first verse4 #f4 ,make the ,first ,verse the ,introduction of the ,chorus ,if you have characters in your song1 introduce them instantly4 ,if you are drawing a picture of a scene1 locate it in your first line4 ,if your song is written in the first person--the you and ,i kind--you must still establish your location and your you and ,i characters at once4 ,if you keep in mind all the time you are writing that your first verse is merely an introduction1 you will not be likely to drag it out4 7a7 ,write in impersonal mood--that is1 make your song such that it does not matter whether a man or a woman sings it4 ,thus you will not restrict the wide use of your song4 ,anyone and everyone can sing it on the stage4 ,furthermore1 it will be apt to sell more readily4 7b7 ,tell a complete story is a rule that is sometimes laid down for popular song-writers4 ,but it depends entirely upon what kind of song you are writing whether it is necessary to tell a story or not4 ,a story is not necessary1 ,berlin says1 and an examination of the lyrics in the preceding chapter1 and all the lyrics on your piano1 will bear him out in this assertion4 ,all you need remember is that your song must express emotion in a catchy way4 ,if you can do this best by telling a story1 compress your narrative into your verses1 making your chorus entirely emotional4 7c7 ,make your verses short seems to be the law of the popular song today4 ,in other years it was the custom to write long verses and short choruses4 ,today the reverse seems to be the fashion4 ,but whether you decide on a short verse or a long verse--and reference to the latest songs will show you what is best for you to write--you must use as few words as possible to begin your story and--with all the information necessary to carry over the points of your chorus--to lead it up to the joining lines4 #g4 ,make ,your ,second ,verse ,round ,out the ,story ,you have introduced your chorus in your first verse1 and the chorus has conveyed the emotion to which the first verse gave the setting4 ,now in your second verse round out the story so that the repetition of the chorus may complete the total effect of your song4 ,more than upon either the first verse or the chorus1 unity of effect depends upon the second verse4 ,in it you must keep to the key of emotion expressed in the chorus and to the general trend of feeling of the first verse4 ,if your first verse tells a love-story of two characters1 it is sometimes well to change the relations of the characters in the second verse and make the repetition of the chorus come as an answer4 ,but1 whatever you make of your second verse1 you must not give it a different story4 ,don't attempt to do more than round out your first-verse story to a satisfying conclusion1 of which the chorus is the completing end4 ,and now we have come to #h4 ,the ,punch ,lines in the ,verses ,toward the end of each verse it is customary to place punch lines which are strong enough pictorially to sum up the contents of the verse and round it out into the chorus4 ,in humorous songs1 these punch lines are often used as the very last lines1 and the first line of the chorus is depended on to develop the snicker into a laugh1 which is made to grow into a roar with the punch lines of the chorus4 ,in other words1 there are in every song three places where punch lines must be used4 ,the most important is toward the end of the chorus1 and the other places are toward the end of the verses4 #i4 ,don'ts for ,verse ,last-,lines ,don't end your lines with words that are hard to enunciate--there are dozens of them1 of which are met1 and most of the dental sounds4 ,experience alone can teach you what to avoid4 ,but it may be said that precisely the same reason that dictates the use of open vowels on rising notes1 dictates that open sounds are safest with which to end lines1 because the last notes of a song are often rising notes4 ,this applies with emphatic force1 also1 to your chorus4 ,never use such unrhetorical and laugh-provoking lines as the grotesquely familiar and then to him ,i did say4 ,don't always feel that it is necessary to tell the audience here is the chorus4 ,imagination is common to all1 and the chorus is predicted by the turn of thought and the coming to it feeling of the melody4 ,,iii4 ,,assembling ,,the ,,song ,having gone over your verses and made sure that you have punch lines that rise out of the narrative effect into revealing flashes1 and are completed and punched home by the punch lines of the chorus1 and having made sure that your lyrics as a whole are the best you can write1 you must give thought to the music4 #a4 ,the ,one ,finger ,composer's ,aid ,if you are the sort of modern minstrel who has tunes buzzing in his head1 it is likely that you will have composed a melody to fit your lyrics4 ,the chances are that you know only enough about music to play the piano rather indifferently4 ,or1 you may be an accomplished pianist without possessing a knowledge of harmony sufficient to admit of your setting down your melody in the form of a good piano score4 ,but even if you are only able to play the piano with one finger1 you need not despair4 ,there are dozens of well-known popular song composers who are little better off4 ,you may do precisely what they do--you can call to your aid an arranger4 ,this is the first moral ,i shall draw from the true story with which this chapter begins4 ,as the composer played over his melody for the arranger to take down in musical notes1 you may sing1 whistle or play your melody on the piano with one finger1 for the arranger to take down your song4 ,all you need give him is the bare outline of your melody4 ,at best it will be but a forecasting shadow of what he will make out of it4 ,from it he will make you a lead-sheet1 the first record of your melody4 ,then1 if you desire1 he will arrange your melody into a piano part1 precisely identical in form with any copy of a song you have seen4 ,with this piano version--into which the words have been carefully written in their proper places--you may seek your publisher4 ,for taking down the melody and making an ink lead-sheet1 the arranger will charge you from one to two dollars4 ,for a piano copy he will charge you anywhere from three to ten dollars--the average price is about five dollars4 #b4 ,be ,sure ,your ,words and ,music ,fit ,exactly ,here we may draw the second moral from the little scene we witnessed in the song publisher's room--this is the big lesson of that scene4 ,in a word1 successful song-writers consider a song not as a lyric and a melody1 but as a composite of both4 ,a successful song is a perfect fusing of both4 ,the melody writer is not averse to having his melody changed1 if by changing it a better song can be made4 ,and the successful lyric writer is only too glad to change his words1 if a hit can be produced4 ,with the one end in view1 they go over their song time after time and change lyrics and melody with ruthless hands until a whistle-making unity rises clear and haunting4 ,this is what you must now do with your song4 ,you must bend all your energies to making it a perfect blend of words and music--a unity so compressed and so compactly lyrical that to take one little note or one little word away would ruin the total effect4 ,this is why #c4 ,purchasing ,music for a ,song is ,seldom ,advisable ,if you are invited to purchase music for a new song1 it is the part of wisdom to refuse--because only in very rare instances has a successful song been the result of such a method4 ,the reason is perfectly plain1 when you consider that the composer who offers you a melody for a cash price is interested only in the small lump sum he receives4 ,you are his market4 ,he does not care anything about the market the music must make for itself1 first with a publisher and then with the public4 ,therefore1 no matter how willing a composer may appear to change his melody to fit your song1 scan his proposition with a cynical eye4 ,on the surface he will make the music fit1 but he would be wasting his time if he worked over your lyric and his music to the extent that a composer who is paid by the ultimate success of a song would have to labor4 ,it is very much better to take your chances with even an inferior melody maker who is as much interested as you are in a final success4 ,and when you have found a composer1 do not quibble about changing your words to fit his music4 ,and don't fear to ask him to change his melody1 wherever constant work on the song proves that a change is necessary4 ,it is only by ceaselessly working over both words and melody that a song is turned into a national whistle4 ,,iv4 ,,seeking ,a ,,publisher #a #a ,the matter under this section would seem to be an integral part of the following ,chapter1 ,manuscripts and ,markets1 but it is included in this chapter because some of the points require a discussion too expansive for the general treatment employed in describing the handling of other stage material4 ,you have written your lyrics1 and you have fashioned your melody1 or you have found a composer who is anxious to make his melody fit your lyrics so perfectly that they have been fused into a unity so complete that it seems all you have to do to start everybody whistling it is to find a publisher4 ,and so you set about the task4 #a4 ,private ,publication ,seldom ,profitable ,while it is perfectly true that there have been many songs that have paid handsome profits from private publication1 it is more nearly exact to believe that private publication never pays4 ,printers and song publishers who make a business of this private trade will often lure the novice by citing the many famous songs published by their writers4 ,whenever you see such an advertisement1 or whenever such an argument is used in a sales talk1 dig right down to the facts of the case4 ,nine chances out of ten1 you will find that the writers are successful popular song publishers--it is their business to write for their own market4 ,furthermore--and this is the crux of the matter--they have a carefully maintained sales force and an intricate outlet for all their product1 which would take years for a private publisher to build up4 ,really1 you cannot expect to make any money by private publication1 even at the low cost of song-printing these days--unless you are willing to devote all your energies to pushing your song4 ,and even then1 the song must be exceptional to win against the better organized competition4 #b4 ,avoid the ,song ,poem ,advertiser ,it is never my desire to condemn a class even though a majority of that class may be worthy of reproach4 ,therefore1 instead of inveighing against the song-poem fakir with sounding periods of denunciation1 permit me to state the facts in this way3 ,the advertisers for song-poems may be divided into two classes4 ,in the first class are publishers who publish songs privately for individuals who have enough money to indulge a desire to see their songs in print4 ,the writer may not intend his song for public sale4 ,he wishes to have it printed so that he may give copies to his friends and thus satisfy his pride by their plaudits4 ,it is to these song-writers that the honest private publisher offers a convenient and often cheap opportunity4 ,his dealings are perfectly honest and fair1 because he simply acts as a printer1 and not as a publisher1 for he does not offer to do more than he can perform4 ,the second class of song-poem advertisers lure writers by all sorts of glowing promises4 ,they tell you how such and such a song made thousands of dollars for its writer4 ,they offer to furnish music to fit your lyrics4 ,they will supply lyrics to fit your music4 ,they will print your song and push it to success4 ,they will do anything at all--for a fee6 ,and ,i have heard the most pitiful tales imaginable of high hopes at the beginning and bitter disappointment at the end1 from poor people who could ill afford the money lost4 ,these publishers are not fair--they are not honest4 ,they make their living from broken promises1 and pocket the change with a grin over their own cleverness4 ,why these men cannot perform what they promise is perfectly plain in the light of all that has been said about the popular song4 ,it does not need repetition here4 ,if you wish to publish your song privately for distribution among your friends1 seek the best and cheapest song printer you can find4 ,but if you hope to make your fortune through publication for which you must pay--in which the publisher has nothing to lose and everything to win--take care6 ,at least consider the proposition as a long shot with the odds against you--then choose the fairest publisher you can find4 #c4 ,how to ,seek a ,market for ,your ,song ,but let us hope that you are the sort of song-writer who is anxious to test his ability against the best4 ,you do not care to have your song published unless it wins publication on its merits--and unless you can be reasonably sure of making some money out of it4 ,you aspire to have your song bear the imprint of one of the publishers whose song-hits are well known4 ,to find the names and addresses of such publishers you have only to turn over the music on your piano4 ,there is no need to print individual names here4 ,but a few words of direction as to the way you should approach your market may be helpful4 ,i quote here the composite opinion of all the well-known song publishers with whom ,i have talked3 ,to find a great song in the manuscripts that come through the mail--is a dream4 ,it is rare that the mail brings one worthy of publication4 ,if ,i were a song-writer ,i should not submit my song through the mails4 ,of course1 if ,i were far from the big markets ,i should be compelled to4 ,but if ,i were anywhere near the market ,i should go right to the publisher and demonstrate the song to him4 ,you see1 ,i must be convinced that a song is a winner before ,i'll gamble my money on its publication4 ,and the only way ,i can be easily convinced is to be compelled to listen to the song4 ,naturally1 being a song publisher1 ,i think ,i know a hit when ,i hear it--,i may 'kid' myself into believing ,i can pick winners1 but ,i can be made to see the possibilities by actual demonstration1 where ,i might 'pass a song up' in manuscript4 ,therefore1 it would seem wise to offer a song through the mails only when a personal visit and demonstration are impossible4 ,you need not copyright your song1 if you send it to a reputable publisher4 ,all you need do is to submit it with a short letter1 offering it on the usual royalty basis1 and enclose stamps for return1 if it is not available4 ,from two to four weeks is the usual time required for consideration4 ,if you are near a song publisher1 the very best thing you can do is to fortify yourself with unassailable faith in your song and then make the publisher listen to you4 ,if you have a song that shows any promise at all1 the chances are that you will come out of the door an hour later with a contract4 ,,chapter ,,xxiv ,,manuscripts ,,and ,,markets ,it is in the hope of directing you to your market that this chapter is designed4 ,but there is no form of writing for which it is more difficult to point out a sure market than for vaudeville material4 ,even the legitimate stage--with its notorious shifting of plans to meet every veering wind--is not more fickle than the vaudeville stage4 ,the reason for this is1 of course1 to be found in the fact that the stage must mirror the mind of the nation1 and the national mind is ever changing4 ,but once let the public learn to love what you have given them1 and they will not jilt your offering in a day4 ,the great advantage the writer of vaudeville material today has over every one of his predecessors1 lies in the fact that the modern methods of handling the vaudeville business lend him security in the profits of his success4 #a4 ,preparing the ,manuscript 7a7 ,the acceptable manuscript forms into which all vaudeville material may be cast may be learned by consulting the examples of the different vaudeville acts given in the appendix to this volume4 ,a moment's examination of them will show you that there is no difference between the manuscript ways of presenting the different acts4 ,all are made up of the names of characters1 business and dialogue4 ,therefore they may all be discussed at the same time4 7b7 ,have your manuscript typewritten4 ,this suggestion has the force of law4 ,while it would seem self-evident that a manuscript written out in long hand has a mussy appearance1 however neat the writing may be1 the many hand-written manuscripts ,i have tried to read suggest the necessity for pointing out this fact4 ,you surely handicap your manuscript by offering it in long hand to a busy producer4 7c7 ,the two recognized methods for the typing of stage manuscripts4 ,first1 the entire manuscript is typed in black1 blue or purple4 ,then1 after the manuscript is complete1 the name of the character above each speech is underlined in red ink1 and every bit of business throughout the manuscript is also underlined in red4 ,this method is illustrated below4 ,here1 text originally underlined in red appear in all ,,caps4 -#cf- ,,act ,,ii7 ,,graves4 ,yes4 7,,turns ,,to ,,dictionary7 ,that's all4 7,,ellen1 ,,though ,,curious1 ,,continues ,,reading ,,in ,,an ,,undertone ,,to ,,her ,,father1 ,,marlin ,,and ,,john4 ,,graves ,,opens ,,the ,,dictionary1 ,,starts ,,at ,,sight ,,of ,,the ,,note1 ,,snatches ,,it ,,up ,,with ,,trembling ,,fingers1 ,,and ,,reads ,,it4 ,,his ,,fury ,,rises4 ,,after ,a ,,pause1 ,,crumpling ,,the ,,note1 ,,he ,,turns ,,to ,,burton ,,and ,,speaks ,,with ,,an ,,effort7 ,,graves4 ,burton6 7,,startled ,,by ,,his ,,tone1 ,,the ,,others ,,turn ,,and ,,regard ,,graves ,,curiously7 ,,burton4 ,yes1 sir4 ,,graves4 ,where's ,sam8 ,,burton4 ,he went out1 sir--- ,,graves4 ,went out8 ,,burton4 ,y-yes1 sir4 ,about a quarter of an hour ago4 ,,graves4 ,where to8 ,,burton4 ,he didn't say1 sir4 7,,graves ,,turns ,,away ,,helplessly4 ,,burton ,,listens ,,and ,,then ,,exits ,c4 ,,graves ,,walks ,,up ,,and ,,down1 ,,wringing ,,his ,,hands7 ,,mead4 ,anything wrong8 ,,graves 7,,lamely7 ,no1 no4 ,don't mind me4 ,marlin's proposition's all right--- 7,,pause4 ,,susan ,,enters ,r ,,and ,,is ,,troubled ,,at ,,sight ,,of ,,graves',s ,,emotion7 ,,susan 7,,approaching ,,him7 ,father---6 ,,graves 7,,unable ,,longer ,,to ,,restrain ,,himself7 ,hell's fire6 ,,mead4 ,christopher6 ,second1 a typewriter using two colors is employed4 ,the name of the character above each speech is typed in red1 and red is used to type the bits of business4 ,the speeches alone are typed in black1 blue or purple as the case may be4 ,the following example illustrates this method4 -#cb- ,,act ,i7 ,,booth ,heavens6 ,it reads like a fairy tale1 doesn't it8 ,,henry ,i don't know2 does it8 ,,booth ,yes2 and many thanks4 ,i'll do my best not to let you regret it4---,only1 in the old fairy tale1 you know1 it always ended with the---the young man's marrying the---the rich old geezer's daughter6 ,,henry 7,,chuckling7 ,and ,i'm the rich old geezer1 eh8 ,well1 ,i mightn't 'a' been half as rich this minute if it wasn't for you6---,heigho6 7,,sizes ,,up ,,booth7 ,now1 ,i suppose my cantankerous daughter wouldn't have you1 ,piercy2 not if ,i said anything to her about it4 ,but if she would---and you was willin'--- 7,,helen ,,and ,,booth ,,exchange ,,eloquent ,,glances7 ---why1 you're just about the feller ,i'd want her to have4 7,,helen ,,dances ,a ,,little ,,skirt ,,dance ,,of ,,delight ,,between ,,the ,,door ,l ,,and ,,the ,,screen4 ,,then ,,she ,,darts ,,into ,,the ,,adjoining ,,room1 ,,being ,,observed ,,only ,,by ,,booth7 ,,booth 7,,with ,,spontaneity7 ,say1 ,boss1 put her there again6 7,,another ,,handshake7 ,do you know1 you and ,i are getting to be better friends ,either of these methods serves the same purpose equally well4 ,the aim is to separate the names and business from the dialogue1 so that the difference may be plain at a glance4 ,the use of either of these ways of typing a manuscript is desirable1 but not absolutely necessary4 7d7 ,use a record ribbon in typewriting manuscript1 because a copying ribbon smudges easily and will soil the hands of the reader4 ,observation of this mechanical point is a big help in keeping a manuscript clean--and respecting the temper of your judge4 7e7 ,neatness is a prime requisite in any manuscript offered for sale4 ,be sure that the finished copy is free from erasures and penciled after-thoughts4 ,do all your after-thinking beforehand1 or have a clean1 new copy made4 7f7 ,re-copy a soiled manuscript as soon as it shows evidence of handling4 ,keep your silent salesman fresh in appearance4 7g7 ,bind your manuscript in a flexible cover to give it a neat appearance and make it handy to read4 7h7 ,type your name and address in full on the outside of the cover1 and on the first white page4 ,thus you stamp the manuscript as your act1 and it always bears your address in case of loss4 7i7 ,have your act copyrighted is a bit of advice that would seem needless1 but many performers and producers refuse to read an act unless it is copyrighted4 ,the copyright--while it is not as good proof in court as a public performance--is nevertheless a record that on such and such a date the author deposited in the ,library of ,congress a certain manuscript4 ,this record can be produced as incontrovertible evidence of fact4 ,the view of the performer and the producer is that he wishes to protect the author as much as possible--but himself more4 ,he desires to place beyond all possibility any charge of plagiarism4 ,therefore1 copyright the final version of your act and typewrite on the cover the date of copyright and the serial number4 7j7 ,how to copyright the manuscript of a vaudeville act4 ,write to the ,register of ,copyrights1 ,library of ,congress1 ,washington1 ,d4,c41 asking him to send you the blank form prescribed by law to copyright an unpublished dramatic composition4 ,do not send stamps1 as it is unnecessary4 ,in addition to the blank you will receive printed instructions for filling it out1 and full information covering the copyright process4 ,the fee is one dollar1 which includes a certificate of copyright entry4 ,this covers copyright in the ,united ,states only2 if you desire to copyright in a foreign country1 consult a lawyer4 7k7 ,the preparation of a scene plot should not be a difficult task if you will remember that you need merely draw a straight-line diagram--such as are shown in the chapter on ,the ,vaudeville ,stage and its ,dimensions--so as to make your word-description perfectly clear4 ,on this diagram it is customary to mark the position of chairs1 tables1 telephones and other properties incidental to the action of the story4 ,but a diagram is not absolutely necessary4 ,written descriptions will be adequate1 if they are carefully and concisely worded4 7l7 ,the preparation of property plots and light plots has been mentioned in the chapter on ,the ,vaudeville ,stage and ,its ,dimensions1 therefore they require a word here4 ,they are merely a list of the properties required and directions for any changes of lighting that may occur in the act4 ,for a first presentation of a manuscript1 it is quite unnecessary for you to bother about the technical plots 7arrangement plans7 of the stage4 ,if your manuscript is acceptable1 you may be quite sure that the producer will supply these plots himself4 7m7 ,do not offer parts with your manuscript4 ,a part consists of the speeches and business indicated for one character1 written out in full1 with the cues given by the other characters--the whole bound so as to form a handy copy for the actor to study4 ,for instance1 there would be four parts in a four-people playlet manuscript--therefore you would be offering a producer five manuscripts in all1 and the bulk of your material might deter a busy man from reading it carefully4 ,if your manuscript progresses in its sale to the point where parts are desired1 the producer will take care of this detail for you4 ,and until you have made a sale1 it is a waste of money to have parts made4 #b4 ,the ,stage ,door the ,vaudeville ,market-,place ,unlike nearly every other specialized business1 there is a market in each city of the country for vaudeville material4 ,this market is the stage door of the vaudeville theatre4 ,while it would be unlikely that a dramatist would find a market for a long play at the legitimate stage door--although this has happened--there are peculiar reasons why the stage door may be your market-place4 ,a large percentage of vaudeville performers are the owners of their own acts4 ,they buy the material1 produce it themselves1 and play in it themselves4 ,and they are ever on the lookout for new material4 ,not only is there a market at the stage door1 but that market changes continually4 ,without fear of exaggeration it may be said that with the weekly and sometimes semi-weekly changes of the bill in each house1 there will in time flow past the stage door nearly all the acts which later appear in vaudeville4 ,offering a manuscript at the stage door1 however1 should not be done without preparation4 ,as you would not rush up to a business man on the street or spring at him when he emerges from his office door1 you certainly would not care to give a vaudeville performer the impression that you were lying in wait for him4 7a7 ,the personal introduction is a distinct advantage in any business1 therefore it would be an advantage for you to secure1 if possible1 a personal introduction to the performer4 ,however1 you must be as discriminating in choosing the person to make that introduction as you would were you selecting an endorser at a bank4 ,a stage-hand or an usher is likely to do you more harm than good4 ,the mash notes they may have carried back stage would discount their value for you4 ,the manager of the theatre1 however1 might arrange an introduction that would be of value4 ,at least he can find out for you if the performer is in the market at the time4 7b7 ,the preliminary letter is never amiss1 therefore it would seem advisable to write to the performer for whom you feel sure you have an act that will fit4 ,make the letter short4 ,simply ask him if he is in the market for material1 state that you have an act that you would like him to read1 and close by requesting an appointment at his convenience4 ,do not take up his time by telling him what a fine act you have4 ,he does not know you1 and if you praise it too highly he may be inclined to believe that you do not have anything worth while4 ,but do not under-rate your material1 either1 in the hope of engaging his attention by modesty4 ,leave it for him to find out if you have an act1 first1 that is worth while1 and second1 that fits him4 ,if you do not hear from the performer1 you may be sure that he is not interested in your act4 ,he may be out for the first few weeks in a brand new act1 and not in the market at all4 ,so if you do not hear from him1 wait until another act comes along and you see someone for whom your act is just made4 7c7 ,should you receive a favorable reply to your request for an appointment1 you may be reasonably sure that your prospective purchaser at least needs a new act4 ,in meeting your appointment1 be on time1 and have someone with you4 ,a woman1 of course1 would have a chaperon1 precisely as she would if she were meeting any other stranger4 ,and a man might care to have someone to engage the attention of the performer's companion and leave him an uninterrupted opportunity to talk business4 7d7 ,ask for an immediate reading of your manuscript1 or at least request it read the next day1 when you can be present while he is reading it4 ,do not leave a manuscript to be returned to you by mail4 ,vaudeville performers are as honest as any other class of men1 but they are busy people and the thing that is put off is forgotten4 ,they are in one town today and miles away tomorrow1 and they may leave the manuscript on the bureau of their hotel room intending to mail it at the last minute--and rush away and forget it4 ,therefore you should ask for an immediate reading4 ,it will take a performer only a few minutes to decide if he cares to consider your act4 ,he knows of what he is in need--and usually is prepared to tell you4 7e7 ,do not ask for specific criticism1 for of all people in the world vaudeville performers are the most good-hearted4 ,they would rather please you than hurt you4 ,they will evade the point nine times out of ten2 so save them and yourself needless embarrassment4 ,and thus you may also avoid a false valuation of your manuscript4 7f7 ,if the performer cannot use the act himself1 and if the act possesses merit1 the chances are that he will suggest some other performer who might want it4 ,if he does not suggest someone himself1 ask him4 ,vaudeville performers know what other performers want1 because they are continually discussing plans for next season4 ,you may thus pick up some valuable information1 even if you do not dispose of the particular manuscript you have for sale4 #c4 ,producing ,your ,act ,yourself ,while you are likely at many turns of the sales road to have offered you an opportunity to produce your own act1 this method of finding a market is rarely advisable4 ,you would not start a little magazine to get your short-story into print2 your story could not possess that much value even if it were a marvel--how much less so if you were unable to find someone willing to buy it6 ,but there is a still more important reason why you should not rush into producing your act yourself4 ,producing is a specialized business1 requiring wide experience and exact knowledge4 ,besides1 it is one of the most expensive pastimes in the world4 ,without a most comprehensive experience and peculiar abilities1 failure is sure4 ,do not attempt private production even if you are offered the services of a performer or a producer in whom you have absolute faith4 ,remember1 if they thought your act was really worth while they would be anxious to reap the profits for themselves4 #d4 ,selling an ,act to a ,producer ,while any performer who owns his act is a producer in the sense that he produces his act1 there are men who make a business of buying manuscripts1 engaging people1 and producing many acts in which they do not themselves play4 ,producers who may own a dozen acts of all different kinds would seem to offer to the writer for vaudeville an ideal market4 ,how1 then1 is the writer to get in touch with them8 7a7 ,selling through a ,play broker is a method that is precisely the same as though you consigned a bill of goods to a commission agent1 and paid him for disposing of it4 ,the play broker reads your manuscript and engages to try to dispose of it for you1 or returns it as not likely to fit in with the particular line of business of which he makes a specialty4 ,if your act is really good and yet the broker is able to make some suggestions that will improve it1 he is likely to offer such suggestions1 purely in the hope of earning a commission1 and in this way he may prove of distinct value as a critic4 ,in any event1 if he accepts a manuscript to sell for you1 he will offer it in the quarters he thinks most likely to produce it and will attend to all the business incidental to the making of the contract4 ,for this service the broker charges a ten per cent commission4 ,this commission is paid either on the price of outright sale1 or on the royalty account4 ,if the act is sold on royalty1 he will collect the customary advance and also the weekly payments4 ,after deducting his commission1 he will remit the balance to you4 ,on the last page of this chapter you will find a partial list of well-known play brokers4 ,although ,i do not know of any who deal exclusively in vaudeville material1 any one of the agents who handles long plays is glad to handle an exceptionally fine playlet4 7b7 ,seeking a personal interview with a producer is usually productive of one result3 ,the office-boy says1 ,leave your manuscript1 and he'll read it and let you know4 ,anxious as he is to secure good material1 a man who is busily engaged in producing vaudeville acts has little time to spend on granting personal interviews4 ,and there is another reason--he fears you will try to read your act to him4 ,a personal reading by the author is either a most distressing affair1 because the average writer cannot read stage material as it should be read1 or else it is very dangerous to the listener's judgment4 ,many a producer has been tricked into producing an act whose merits a masterly reader has brought out so finely that its fatal faults were forgotten4 ,and so the producer prefers to read a manuscript himself4 ,alone in his office he can concentrate on the act in hand1 and give to it the benefit of his best judgment4 7c7 ,offering a manuscript by mail is perfectly safe4 ,there has never come to my knowledge one clearly proved instance of where a producer has stolen an idea4 7d7 ,send your manuscript by registered mail and demand a return receipt4 ,thus you will save losses in the mail and hold a check against the loss of your manuscript in the producer's office4 ,and when you send your manuscript by mail1 invariably enclose stamps to pay the return to you by registered delivery4 ,better still1 enclose a self-addressed envelope with enough postage affixed to insure both return and registry4 7e7 ,three weeks for consideration is about the usual time the average producer requires to read a manuscript at his leisure4 ,in times when a producer is actively engaged in putting on an act1 he may not have an hour in the week he can call his own4 ,therefore have patience1 and if you do not receive a reply from him in three weeks1 write again and courteously remind him that you would like to have his decision at his earliest convenience4 ,impatient letters can only harm your chance4 #e4 ,hints on ,prices for ,various ,acts ,what money can be made by writing vaudeville material8 ,this is certainly the most interesting question the writer for vaudeville can ask4 ,like the prices of diamonds1 the prices of vaudeville acts depend on quality4 ,every individual act1 and each kind of act1 commands its own special price4 ,there are two big questions involved in the pricing of every vaudeville manuscript4 ,first1 of what value is the act itself8 ,second1 what can the performer or the producer afford to payor be made to pay for the act8 ,the first question cannot be answered for even a class of acts4 ,the value of each individual act determines its own price4 ,and even here there enters the element inherent in all stage material-- a doubt of value until performance before an audience proves the worth of the act4 ,for this reason1 it is customary for the purchaser of a vaudeville act to require that it first make good1 before he pays for it4 ,try and then buy1 is the average vaudevillian's motto4 ,if you are a good business man you will secure an advance against royalty of just as much as you can make the producer give up4 ,precisely as in every other business1 the price of service depends upon the individual's ability to make a deal4 ,the answer to the second question likewise depends upon the vaudeville writer's individual ability as a business man4 ,no hints can be given you other than those that you may glean from a consideration of average and record prices in the following paragraphs4 7a7 ,the monologue is usually sold outright4 ,the performer nearly always will tell you--with no small degree of truth--that the monologist makes the monologue1 not the monologue the monologist4 ,many a monologue has sold for five dollars1 and the purchaser been stung at that price4 ,but very rarely is a monologue bought outright in manuscript--that is1 before a try-out4 ,a monologue must prove itself there1 before a monologist will pay any more than a small advance for the exclusive privilege of trying it out4 ,if the monologue proves itself1 an outright offer will be made by the performer4 ,while there are no regular rates1 from two hundred and fifty dollars to seven hundred dollars may be considered as suggestive of the market value of the average successful monologue4 ,in addition to this1 the monologist usually retains the author to write new points and gags for him each week that he works4 ,this1 of course1 increases the return from a monologue1 and insures the writer a small weekly income4 ,in very rare cases monologues are so good and1 therefore1 so valuable that authors can retain the ownership and rent them out for a weekly royalty4 ,in such a case1 of course1 the author engages himself to keep the material up to the minute without extra compensation4 ,but such monologues are so rare they can be counted on the fingers of one hand4 ,there is little doubt that ,the ,german ,senator is one of the most valuable monologue properties--if it does not stand in a class by itself--that has ever been written4 ,for many years it has returned to ,aaron ,hoffman a royalty of #ajj a week1 thirty and forty weeks in the year4 ,this may be considered the record price for a monologue4 7b7 ,the vaudeville two-act varies in price as greatly as the monologue4 ,like the monologue1 it is usually sold outright4 ,the performers use precisely the same argument about the two-act that is used about the monologue4 ,it is maintained that the material itself is not to be compared with the importance of its presentation4 ,when a two-act has been tried out and found there1 the performers or the producer will offer a price for it4 ,the same rule1 that vaudeville material is worth only as much as it will bring1 applies to the two-act4 ,from two hundred and fifty dollars to whatever you can get1 may be considered suggestive of two-act prices4 ,although more two-acts have sold outright for less than three hundred dollars than have sold above five hundred dollars1 a successful two-act may be made to yield a far greater return if a royalty arrangement is secured4 ,whether it is a two-act1 or any other vaudeville act1 the royalty asking price is ten per cent of the weekly salary4 ,this rate is difficult to enforce1 and while five per cent is nearer the average1 the producer would rather pay a definite fixed figure each week1 than a percentage that must be reckoned on what may be a varying salary4 ,usually a compromise of a flat amount per playing week is made when a royalty is agreed on4 7c7 ,the playlet varies in returns amazingly4 ,while one small-time producer pays no advance royalty and a flat weekly royalty of from ten dollars to fifteen dollars a week--making his stand on the fact that he gives a longer playing season than his average competitor--many a big-time producer pays a good round advance and as high as #ajj a week royalty4 ,edgar ,allan ,woolf has said3 ,the desire for the one-act comedy is so great that even an unknown writer can secure an advance royalty as great as is paid to the author of a three-act play1 if he has written a playlet which seems to possess novelty of story and cleverness of dialogue4 ,george ,v4 ,hobart is reported to have had a variously-quoted number of playlets playing at the same time1 each one of which returned him a weekly royalty of #ajj a week4 ,and half a dozen other one-act playwrights might be named who have had nearly equal success4 ,on the other hand1 ,porter ,emerson ,brown is quoted as saying3 ,the work of writing a playlet is nearly as great as writing a three-act play1 and the returns cannot be compared4 ,one of the collaborators on a famous big-time success received forty dollars a week for three seasons as his share4 ,another playlet writer was paid one hundred dollars a week for one act1 and only twenty dollars a week for another4 ,and a third was content with a ten-dollars-a-week royalty on one act1 at the same time that another act of his was bringing him in fifty dollars a week4 ,these examples ,i have cited to demonstrate that the return from the playlet is a most variable quantity4 ,the small-time pays less than the big-time1 and each individual act on both small- and big-time pays a different royalty4 ,when a playlet--either comedy or straight dramatic--is accepted for production1 it is customary1 although not an invariable rule1 that an advance royalty be paid down4 ,when the act proves successful1 one or more of three propositions may be offered the writer3 outright sale at a price previously agreed upon2 outright sale to be paid in weekly royalties until an agreed upon figure is reached1 when ownership passes from the author to the producer2 the more customary weekly royalty4 ,as ,i have said before1 what price you receive for your act finally depends upon your keenness in driving a bargain4 ,in nearly every case1 outright sale has its advantage in the fact that the author need not then worry about collecting his royalty4 ,of course1 when a recognized producer puts out the act there need be no concern about the royalty1 so in such instances a royalty is preferable4 ,but in some cases1 as when the performer is making long jumps and has a hard time making railroad connections1 a weekly royalty has its disadvantages in causing worry to the author4 7d7 ,the one-act musical comedy is usually bought outright--after the act gets over4 ,while many a book is contracted for in advance at a small figure1 to be doubled or trebled on success1 it is also true that royalties are paid4 ,in this case1 the custom is to divide the royalty equally between the writer of the book and lyrics1 and the composer of the music4 ,when a third person writes the verses of the songs and ensemble numbers1 the royalty is usually split three ways4 ,it would be misleading to quote any figures on the musical comedy1 for the reason that circumstances vary so greatly with each that there are no standards4 7e7 ,the burlesque tab pays about the same rates as the one-act musical comedy1 its kindred form4 7f7 ,the popular song1 unlike the other material treated in this volume1 has a well established royalty price3 one cent a copy is the standard4 ,of this1 half a cent goes to the writer of the lyric1 and half a cent to the composer of the music4 ,as a popular song1 to be considered successful1 must sell anywhere from half a million to a million copies1 it is easy to estimate the song-writer's return4 ,if the same man writes both the words and the music he will receive from five to ten thousand dollars--or twenty-five hundred to five thousand dollars if he divides with another--for being able to make the nation whistle4 ,of course1 many song-writers have two successful songs selling in a year-- therefore you may double the figures above to estimate some successful song-writers' incomes4 ,but it may safely be said that the song-writer who has an income of twelve thousand dollars a year is doing very well indeed6 ,there are many more professional song-writers who work year after year for the salary of the average business man in every other line of endeavor4 ,don't count your royalty-chickens too soon4 #f4 ,important ,lists of ,addresses ,,some ,,of ,,the ,,more ,,prominent ,,play ,,brokers ,,american ,,play ,,company1 #cc ,w4 #db;d ,st41 ,new ,york ,,mary ,,asquith1 #ade ,w4 #deth ,st1 ,new ,york ,,alice ,,kauser1 #adjb ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,,darcy ,,and ,,wolford1 #aad ,w4 #cith ,st41 ,new ,york ,,kirkpatrick1 ,,ltd41 #aja ,park ,ave41 ,new ,york ,,modern ,,play ,,co41 ,columbus ,circle1 ,new ,york ,,laura ,d4 ,,wilk1 #adgf ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,,george ,w4 ,,winniett1 #adjb ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,,paul ,,scott1 #adjb ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,,sanger ,,and ,,jordan1 #adcj ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,,mrs4 ,m4 ,a4 ,,lembeck1 #bbj ,w4 #dbnd ,st41 ,new ,york ,a ,,list ,,of ,,well ,,known ,,vaudeville ,,producers ,the producers given here offer a market which varies so widely in each instance that no attempt has been made to list their needs4 ,some are interested in other lines of the amusement business as well2 and their activities elsewhere must be taken into consideration as determining factors in their special market needs4 ,no division of these producers into big-time and small-time producers is made1 because such a distinction would be likely to be misleading rather than helpful4 ,,arthur ,,hopkins1 #adic ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,,joseph ,,hart1 #aebj ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,,jesse ,l4 ,,lasky1 #abj ,w4 #da,st ,st41 ,new ,york ,,playlet ,,producing ,,company1 #aefd ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,b4 ,a4 ,,rolfe1 #adic ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,,joe ,,maxwell1 ,,inc41 #cfj ,w4 #abeth ,st41 ,new ,york ,,roland ,,west ,,producing ,,company1 #bfj ,w4 #db;d ,st41 ,new ,york ,,harry ,,rapf1 #aefd ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,,pat ,,casey1 #adii ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,,billie ,,burke1 #adie ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,,joe ,,paige ,,smith1 #adic ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,,alf4 ,t4 ,,wilton1 #aefd ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,,john ,c4 ,,peebles1 #aefd ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,,james ,,plunkett1 #aefd ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,c4 ,m4 ,,blanchard1 #aegi ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,,lewis ,,and ,,gordon1 ,columbia ,theatre ,building1 #gth ,ave4 at #dgth ,st41 ,new ,york ,,max ,,hart1 #aefd ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,,james ,j4 ,,armstrong1 ,columbia ,theatre ,building1 #gth ,ave4 at #dgth ,st41 ,new ,york ,,william ,a4 ,,brady1 ,the ,playhouse1 #acg ,w4 #dhth ,st41 ,new ,york ,,bart ,mc,h,u,g,h1 ,land ,title ,building1 ,philadelphia ,,menlo ,e4 ,,moore1 #bb ,w4 ,monroe ,st41 ,chicago ,,minnie ,,palmer1 #ce ,dearborn ,st41 ,chicago ,,the ,,larger ,,circuits ,,and ,,booking ,,offices ,the following vaudeville circuits1 while they may not maintain regular producing departments1 produce acts every now and then4 ,,the ,,united ,,booking ,,offices ,,of ,,america1 #aefd ,broadway1 ,new ,york4 ,this organization books the ,b4 ,f4 ,keith ,theatres and allied small- and big-time houses ,,orpheum ,,ciruit ,,company1 #aefd ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,,loew',s ,,theatrical ,,enterprises1 #adic ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,,poli',s ,,circuit1 #adic ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,,the ,,western ,,vaudeville ,,managers' ,,association1 ,majestic ,theatre ,building1 ,chicago ,,gus ,,sun ,,circuit1 ,new ,sun ,theatre ,building1 ,springfield1 ,ohio ,,bert ,,levey ,,circuit1 ,alcazar ,theatre ,building1 ,san ,francisco ,,pantage',s ,,circuit1 ,seattle ,,sullivan ,,and ,,considine1 ,seattle ,to these markets nearly every booking agent and manager in the vaudeville business might be added4 ,each one has a list of acts he handles that need new material from time to time4 ,and often the agent or manager will add to his list of clients by producing an exceptionally fine act himself4 ,the reason such a list is not given here is that it would require a small volume merely for the names and addresses4 ,consultation of ,the ,clipper ,red ,book--a handy directory of theatrical agents1 sold at ten cents--will supply this information4 ,a knowledge of the special kinds of acts handled by each agent or manager1 and the producers previously given as well1 may be gathered by a careful reading of the various theatrical specialized journals4 ,this knowledge can only be acquired a bit here and a little there through persistent attention to the notices of new acts and announcements of plans4 ,,publishers ,,of ,,vaudeville ,,material ,,samuel ,,french1 #bh ,w4 #chth ,st41 ,new ,york ,t4 ,s4 ,,dennison1 ,chicago ,,prominent ,,theatrical ,,papers ,,variety1 #aecf ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,,the ,,dramatic ,,mirror1 #adic ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,,the ,,new ,,york ,,morning ,,telegraph1 #ejth ,st4 #hth ,ave41 ,new ,york ,,the ,,new ,,york ,,star1 #adii ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,,the ,,clipper1 #dg ,w4 #bhth ,st41 ,new ,york ,,the ,,billboard1 #adfe ,broadway1 ,new ,york ,,the ,,dramatic ,,news1 #ag ,w4 #db;d ,st41 ,new ,york ,,the ,,new ,,york ,,review1 #aba ,w4 #cith ,st41 ,new ,york ,,the ,,theatre ,,magazine1 #h ,w4 #chth ,st41 ,new ,york ,,the ,,green ,,book ,,magazine1 ,north ,american ,building1 ,chicago4 ,,chapter ,,xxv ,,how ,a ,,vaudeville ,,act ,,is ,,booked ,while an understanding of how a vaudeville act is transformed from a manuscript into a commercial success may not be necessary to the writing of a good act1 such a knowledge is absolutely necessary to the writer who hopes to make money by his work4 ,for this reason ,i shall devote this final chapter to a brief discussion of the subject4 ,permit me1 therefore1 to take the manuscript of an act1 assuming for my purpose that it represents a monologue or a two-act1 a playlet or a musical comedy1 and trace its commercial career from the author's hands1 into a producer's1 through a booking office1 to success4 ,anyone of the famous examples printed in this volume could be so taken and its history told1 but no one would combine in its experience all the points that should be given4 ,so ,i shall ask you to imagine that the act whose commercial story ,i am about to tell represents in itself every kind of act to be seen in vaudeville4 ,i shall call this act by the name of ,success4 ,when ,mr4 ,author1 the writer of ,success1 received a letter from ,mr4 ,producer accepting the act and requesting him to call at his office to discuss terms1 ,mr4 ,author was delighted and hurried there as fast as he could go4 ,the office boy ushered him into ,mr4 ,producer's private office1 and before the caller could get his breath ,mr4 ,producer had made him an offer4 ,he accepted the offer without haggling over the terms1 which seemed to ,mr4 ,author very satisfactory4 ,to tell the truth1 he would have accepted almost anything1 so eager was he to get his first act on the stage1 so it was lucky for him that the terms were really fair4 ,he had hardly folded up the contract and stowed it1 with the advance royalty check1 in his bosom pocket1 before ,mr4 ,producer plunged into business4 ,he pressed a button for the office boy and told him to tell ,mr4 ,scenic ,artist to come in4 ,now ,mr4 ,scenic ,artist was the representative of a great scenic studio1 and he sketched a design for a special set in a jiffy2 then he thought of another1 and then of a third4 ,and ,mr4 ,producer and he were so interested in combining all their good ideas into one admirable set that ,mr4 ,author was startled when they shoved a sketch under his nose and asked for suggestions4 ,he made two that were pertinent to the atmosphere he had imagined for his room1 and when they were incorporated in the sketch1 ,mr4 ,producer ,o4 ,k'd it and ,mr4 ,scenic ,artist bowed himself out1 promising to have a model ready the next day4 ,mr4 ,producer then rang for ,miss ,secretary1 and told her to have ,mr4 ,star1 ,miss ,leading ,lady and other performers in the office next morning at eleven o'clock1 gave her a list of the characters he wished to cast1 and handed her the manuscript with an order to get out parts1 and to have them out that night4 ,he turned to ,mr4 ,author with a request for the incidental music for the act4 ,mr4 ,author told him he had none4 ,then ,mr4 ,producer reached for the telephone1 with the remark that the music could wait1 and called up the ,united ,booking ,offices of ,america4 ,after a few minutes wait1 ,mr4 ,producer got the special ,mr4 ,booking ,manager for whom he had inquired1 told him he had an act for which he wanted a break-in week1 and as he hesitated and named a date three weeks later1 ,mr4 ,author was sure the act had been booked4 ,mr4 ,author marveled that the act should be contracted to appear when it was not even yet out of manuscript form1 but when he mentioned this with a smile1 ,mr4 ,producer wanted to know how he ever would get time for an act if he didn't engage it ahead4 ,he explained that he had a regular arrangement with ,mr4 ,house ,manager to play new acts in his house at a small break-in salary4 ,it was an arrangement convenient to him and gave ,mr4 ,house ,manager fine acts at small cost4 ,after this1 ,mr4 ,producer rose from his desk and ,mr4 ,author went out1 promising to be on hand that evening at eight to go over the manuscript and make some changes that ,mr4 ,producer promised to prove were necessary to the success of the act4 ,and as he passed through the outer office1 ,mr4 ,author heard ,miss ,secretary explain over the telephone that ,mr4 ,producer wished a hall at eleven o'clock two days later to rehearse a new act4 ,promptly at eight o'clock that night ,mr4 ,author presented himself at the office again1 and found ,mr4 ,producer busily engaged in reading the manuscript4 ,a tiny paper model of the mimic room in which the act was to be played stood upon the desk4 ,when he stooped he saw that the walls were roughly colored after the sketch they had discussed and that the whole scene bore an amazing likeness to the place of his imagination4 ,mr4 ,producer explained that he had had the model rushed through to make it possible for them to get down to brass tacks at once4 ,the act needed so many little changes that they would have to get busy to have it ready for the morning4 ,when ,mr4 ,producer began discussing various points about the act1 ,mr4 ,author could not for the life of him imagine what all these changes could be4 ,but when ,mr4 ,producer pointed out the first1 ,mr4 ,author wondered how he ever had imagined that the heroine could do the little thing he had made her do--it was physically impossible4 ,point after point ,mr4 ,producer questioned1 and point after point they changed1 but there was only the one glaring error4 ,a motive was added here1 a bit of business was changed there1 and as they worked they both grew so excited that they forget the time1 forgot everything but that act4 ,and when the manuscript at last dropped from their exhausted hands1 it looked as if an army had invaded it4 ,mr4 ,author glanced at the pile of nicely bound parts and sighed4 ,all that work would have to be done over6 ,only another one of my mistakes1 smiled ,mr4 ,producer as he scribbled an order to ,miss ,secretary1 attached it to the manuscript1 together with these now useless parts1 and laid them on her desk1 as he and ,mr4 ,author went out into the cool night air4 ,see you tomorrow at eleven1 said ,mr4 ,producer as they parted4 ,and ,mr4 ,author looking at his watch wondered why he should take the trouble to go home at all4 ,at eleven ,mr4 ,author found the little outer office crowded with actors and actresses4 ,miss ,secretary was busily directing the typing of the new manuscript and parts4 ,mr4 ,producer was late4 ,after ,mr4 ,author had waited an hour in the private office1 ,miss ,secretary came in and said he should wait no longer1 because ,mr4 ,producer had been called out of town to straighten out some trouble which had developed in one of his acts and had just telephoned that he would not be in until late that afternoon4 ,rehearsal would be as scheduled next morning1 ,miss ,secretary explained4 ,the performers would be on hand1 and she hoped to goodness they would have some idea of their parts by then4 ,mr4 ,author wanted to know how the cast could be engaged when ,mr4 ,producer was away1 and ,miss ,secretary told him that ,mr4 ,producer knew the capabilities of everyone who had called and had even directed her to engage the ones he named4 ,the following morning ,mr4 ,author saw his characters for the first time in the flesh--and was disappointed4 ,also1 the rehearsal was a sad awakening2 it wasn't anything like he had imagined it would be4 ,they all sat around on chairs and ,mr4 ,producer told them what the act was all about4 ,then he suggested that they go through it once1 at any rate4 ,chairs were placed to mark the footlights1 chairs were used to indicate the doors and window1 and chairs were made to do duty as a table1 a piano and everything else4 ,finally they got started and limped through the lines1 reading their parts4 ,then ,mr4 ,producer began to show them how he wanted it done1 and before he had finished he had played every part in the act4 ,they went through the act once more with a myriad of interruptions from ,mr4 ,producer1 who insisted on getting things right the very first time1 and then he knocked off1 calling it a day's work4 ,the next morning ,mr4 ,author was on hand early with some suggestions3 one ,mr4 ,producer adopted1 the others he explained into forgetfulness--and rehearsing began in earnest4 ,they worked all morning on the first quarter of the act and went back at it late that afternoon4 ,miss ,leading ,lady unconsciously added one line and it was so good that it was kept in the act4 ,then ,mr4 ,star did something that made them all laugh1 and they put that in4 ,of course some pretty lines in the dialogue had to come out to make room1 but they came out1 and ,mr4 ,author never regretted their loss4 ,and the next day it was the same1 and the day after that1 and the seventh day1 and the eighth day4 ,then came a day when ,mr4 ,author saw the act taking shape and form1 and when he spoke to ,mr4 ,producer about it1 ,mr4 ,producer said he thought that after all the act might whip around into something pretty good4 ,a few days later when ,mr4 ,author arrived at the rehearsal hall1 there were three strange men facing the company1 who were going through the act for the first time without interruptions from ,mr4 ,producer4 ,mr4 ,author wondered who they were1 and watched their faces with interest to see how they liked his act4 ,after a while he came to consider as great compliments the ghosts of smiles flickering across their jury-like faces4 ,and when it was all over the performers gathered in one corner1 and ,mr4 ,producer came over to him1 and the three men whispered among themselves4 ,mr4 ,producer explained that they were booking managers1 and then ,mr4 ,author sensed the psychological reason for the unconscious drawing together of the different clans4 ,his heart beat rather violently when the three men came across the room1 and he felt a great wave of gladness sweep over him when the tallest of the three pulled out a little black book and said1 ,mr4 ,producer1 ,i'll pencil it in one of my houses for next week at this figure1 and he showed ,mr4 ,producer what he had written4 ,and ,i'll take you for the second break-in1 as we agreed when you 'phoned1 said the shortest man4 ,and ,i'll take the third at that4 ,then it was that ,mr4 ,author felt a great admiration for ,mr4 ,producer1 because ,mr4 ,producer dared assert his personality4 ,mr4 ,producer objected to the figure1 talking of the name of ,mr4 ,star4 ,that's every penny he's worth1 came the adamant answer4 ,then ,mr4 ,producer mentioned transportation costs1 and the cost of hauling scenery1 as additional arguments4 ,why didn't you say special set at first8 said the smallest man2 ,i'll give you this advance4 ,then all four looked1 and they all agreed4 ,then ,mr4 ,author was introduced1 quite casually4 ,guess your act'll get by1 conceded one of the jury generously1 as they all left4 ,so you're going to open a week earlier8 gasped ,mr4 ,author to ,mr4 ,producer1 when they were alone in the interval between the exit of the three and the entrance upon the scene of the performers1 who came swiftly across the room to learn their fate4 ,and you've booked three weeks more6 ,well1 said ,mr4 ,producer1 you know the boys only pencilled those weeks in--pencil marks can be rubbed out4 ,the next day as they were on their way to the train to go up to the town where the act was to open1 ,mr4 ,producer suddenly remembered that he had forgotten to send ,miss ,secretary up to the ,booking ,offices for his contract4 ,he wanted that contract particularly1 for he had a feud of long standing with the manager of that particular house4 ,so up he rushed to get that contract1 with ,mr4 ,author tagging at his heels4 ,it was the first time ,mr4 ,author had seen even the waiting room of a booking office--it amazed him by its busy air4 ,a score or more performers crowded its every inch of space4 ,they were thickest around a little grilled window1 behind which stood a boy who seemed to know them all4 ,some he dismissed with a ,come in tomorrow4 ,others he talked with at length1 and took their cards4 ,when he had a handful he disappeared from the window4 ,but ,mr4 ,producer was calling ,mr4 ,author4 ,mr4 ,producer stood holding open the inner door4 ,so in ,mr4 ,author went--to another surprise4 ,here there was no crush of people--here there was no rush1 and little noise4 ,stenographers stood about1 seemingly idle1 and at a dozen little desks sat a dozen men quietly bending over rather odd-looking books1 or talking with the few men who came in4 ,one of these men ,mr4 ,author recognized as ,mr4 ,booking ,manager1 for whom they were to play the second week4 ,he was about to speak to him1 when up came a bustling little man who said1 ,do you want ,miss ,headliner for the week of the thirtieth8 ,i can give her to you4 ,nope1 all filled4 ,give you the week of the twenty-third4 ,all right4 ,mr4 ,booking ,agent made a note in his little book1 and ,mr4 ,booking ,manager bent over his desk and wrote ,miss ,headliner's name in his big book--and a business transaction was consummated4 ,then ,mr4 ,booking ,agent hustled over to another desk and repeated his offer of the week of the thirtieth4 ,sorry1 give you the week of the twenty-third1 said this man4 ,just filled it1 said ,mr4 ,booking ,agent4 ,can't you give me the thirtieth8 ,who's got the thirtieth open8 ,the man at the next desk heard him4 ,who for8 ,miss ,headliner8 ,all right1 ,i'll take her4 ,just then ,mr4 ,producer came out of a little room and ,mr4 ,author followed him in a wild dash to catch the train4 ,in the smoker he asked ,mr4 ,producer to explain what he had seen in the ,booking ,offices4 ,and ,mr4 ,producer said3 ,each one of those men you saw up there is in charge of the shows of one1 or maybe three or four vaudeville theatres in different cities4 ,it is their duty to make up the shows that appear in each of their houses4 ,for instance1 ,mr4 ,booking ,manager1 whose house we are playing this week1 books the shows in four other houses4 ,the man you heard ask him if he would take ,miss ,headliner for the thirtieth1 is ,miss ,headliner's business representative4 ,his name is ,mr4 ,booking ,agent4 ,besides ,miss ,headliner1 he is the representative for maybe fifty other acts4 ,for this service he receives a commission of five per cent of ,miss ,headliner's salary and five per cent on the salaries of all the acts for whom he gets work4 ,it is his business to keep ,miss ,headliner booked1 and he is paid by her and his other clients for keeping them working4 ,mr4 ,booking ,manager1 on the other hand1 is not paid a commission4 ,he receives a flat salary for the work that he does for his houses4 ,you remember you met him yesterday1 when he pencilled ',success' in for the house we are on our way to play4 ,well1 that is also a part of his business4 ,for some of his houses that like to make a big showing at little expense1 he must dig up new big acts like ours1 which are breaking-in4 ,now1 the price ,i get for this act for the breaking-in weeks1 is mighty low4 ,but this is customary4 ,that is the reason why the performers have to be content with half salaries1 and you with half-royalty4 ,but this price does not affect the future price ,i will receive4 ,it is marked on the books as the 'show price4' ,that means that it is recorded in the book-keeping department by the cashier as the price for which ,i am showing this act to the managers4 ,when the act has made good1 a price is set on the act1 and that is the standard price for the other houses that book through these offices4 ,the book-keeper watches the prices like a hawk1 and if ,i tried to 'sneak a raise over1' he would catch it1 and both yours truly and ,mr4 ,booking ,manager would be called up on the carpet by the head of the ,offices4 ,the only increase that is permitted is when a new season rolls around1 or two or three booking managers agree to an increase and consult the office head about boosting the salary on the books4 ,that night ,mr4 ,author rather expected to see a dress rehearsal of the act2 he was disappointed4 ,but the next morning there was a full dress rehearsal1 played in the brand new special set which had come up with them and that now shone like a pretty picture in the dingy theatre4 ,it rather amazed ,mr4 ,author to note that the emphasis of this rehearsal was not put on the speeches1 but upon the entrances and exits1 and the precise use and disposal of the various properties employed4 ,a glimmering of the reason came to him when ,mr4 ,star promised to murder anyone who moved a book that he used in his big scene4 ,unless it is here--right here--,i'll never be able to reach it and get back for the next bit without running4 ,and so the rehearsal went on1 with no effort to improve the lines1 but only to blend the physical movements of everyone of the performers to make a perfect whole and to heighten the natural effect of even the most natural action4 ,then the dress rehearsal came to an end1 and the entire party went out to see the town4 ,that night1 after the performance1 they worked again on the act1 because ,mr4 ,producer had been seized by an idea4 ,and when they had gone through the act time and again to incorporate that idea1 they all went wearily to bed1 praying for success next day4 ,at ten o'clock in the morning ,mr4 ,author was at the theatre4 ,he found that other acts had preceded him4 ,the stage was littered with trunks and scenery1 trapeze bars1 animal cages and the what-not of a vaudeville show4 ,each performer as he came in was greeted by the doorman with the gift of a brass check1 on which there was stamped a number4 ,this number told the performer in what order he was entitled to rehearse4 ,vaudeville is a democracy--first come1 first rehearsed4 ,the stage hands were busy rolling in trunks which express-men had dumped on the sidewalk1 the electrician was busy mentally rehearsing light effects according to the formula on a printed light plot which was being explained to him by a performer4 ,props was busy trying to satisfy everyone with what he had on hand1 or good-naturedly sending out for what had not been clearly specified on the property plot4 ,the spot-light man in the gallery out front was busy getting his lamp ready for the matinee1 and consulting his light plot4 ,and the stage-manager was quite the busiest one of them all1 shoving his scenery here and there to make room for the newly arrived sets1 directing the flying of the hanging stuff1 and settling questions with the directness of a czar4 ,suddenly through the caverny house sounded the noise of the orchestra tuning up4 ,the leader appeared and greeted the performers he knew like long lost brothers and sisters1 and then ,brass ,check ,number ,one dropped into his hand1 and the ,monday morning rehearsal began4 ,then it was that ,mr4 ,author learned that it is not the acts1 which are rehearsed on ,monday morning1 it is the vaudeville orchestra1 and the light men and ,props4 ,this was borne in forcibly when ,mr4 ,producer arrived with the performers and ,success went into rehearsal4 ,although the entire staff of the theatre had been rehearsed the night before at the final dress rehearsal1 ,mr4 ,producer wished to change some lights1 to instruct ,props more clearly1 and to jack up the orchestra into perfection4 ,therefore they all went through the act once more4 ,then the scrub-women appeared and demanded the centre of the stage with great swishes of watery cloths4 ,the curtain came down to hide the stage from the front of the house1 and the first early comers of the audience filtered in4 ,mr4 ,author has never been able to recall just how ,success played that first performance4 ,he has dim memories of a throbbing heart1 fears that lines would be forgotten or the whole big scene fall to pieces2 and finally of a vast relief when the curtain came down1 amid--applause4 ,the curtain went up and came down a number of times1 but ,mr4 ,author was too busy pinching himself to make sure that he wasn't dreaming1 to count how many curtains the act took4 ,it seemed to him like a tremendous hit1 but ,mr4 ,producer was in a rage4 ,there were scores of points that had not got over1 half a dozen of his finest effects had been ruined1 and he was bound those points should get over1 and those effects shine out clear and big4 ,looking back on that week1 ,mr4 ,author recalls it as a nightmare of changes4 ,they cut out speeches1 and changed speeches1 and took out bits of business1 and added new bits--they changed everything in the act1 and some of the changes they changed back again1 until by ,saturday the act was hardly to be recognized4 ,and then they played two more performances to crowded houses that applauded like madmen2 and ,mr4 ,producer smiled for the first time4 ,then they moved to the next theatre1 and the first performance showed even ,mr4 ,author that all the work had been wise4 ,now he was even more anxious than ,mr4 ,producer to make the many changes by which this week was marked4 ,and by the end of the week ,success looked like--success4 ,they were preparing for a week of great things in the next town1 when ,wednesday night a cancellation notice came for that precious week4 ,something had gone wrong1 and the pencilled date had to be rubbed out4 ,of course1 by all the laws of the legislatures that week should never have been rubbed out1 because there was a contract fully binding on both the theatre and ,mr4 ,producer4 ,but the week was rubbed out of sight1 nevertheless1 and ,mr4 ,producer--knowing vaudeville necessities and also knowing that only the most dire necessity made ,mr4 ,booking ,manager do this thing to him--forgave it all with a smile and was quite ready to get back to town when ,monday morning rolled around4 ,but ,monday morning there occurred a disappointment at another theatre in a town only a few miles away4 ,the act that was to have played that date was wrecked1 or had overslept itself4 ,anyway4 the resident house manager telephoned to the ,booking ,offices that he was shy one act4 ,now it happened that the act that disappointed1 was of the same general character as ,success4 ,the ,booking ,manager knew this1 and remembered that ,success was within a few miles and with an open week that ought to have been filled4 ,therefore1 just as ,mr4 ,producer and ,mr4 ,author were leaving the hotel to join the other members of ,success at the railroad station4 ,mr4 ,producer was called to the telephone--long distance4 ,in less time than it takes to recount it1 the resident manager who was suffering from a disappointment1 and ,mr4 ,producer1 suffering from the lack of a playing week1 were both cured of their maladies at the same time4 ,and so1 instead of going back to town1 ,success rushed to the next city and played its week4 ,now1 in this last week of breaking-in1 ,mr4 ,author realized one fact that stands out rather prominently in his memory2 it is a simple little fact1 yet it sums up the entire problem of the show business4 ,perhaps the rush of events had made it impossible before for the truth to strike home as keenly as it did when there suddenly came to him a tiny little bit of business which made a very long speech unnecessary4 ,he explained it to ,mr4 ,producer1 and ,mr4 ,producer seized on it instantly and put it into the act4 ,that night the act went better than it had ever gone before4 ,this little bit of condensation1 this illuminating flash which was responsible for it1 punched up the big scene into a life it had never had before4 ,then it was that there also flashed upon ,mr4 ,author's mind this truth3 ,a dramatic entertainment is not written on paper4 ,it is written with characters of flesh and blood4 ,strive as hard as man may1 he can never fully foretell how an ink-written act will play4 ,there is an inexplicable something which playing before an audience develops4 ,both the audience and the actors on the stage are affected4 ,a play--the monologue and every musical form as well--is one thing in manuscript1 another thing in rehearsal1 and quite a different thing before an audience4 ,playing before an audience alone shows what a play truly is4 ,therefore1 a play can only be made--after it is produced4 ,even in the fourth week of playing--the first week of metropolitan playing--,mr4 ,author and ,mr4 ,producer made many changes in ,success that were responsible for the long popularity it enjoyed4 ,mr4 ,author had learned his lesson well4 ,he approached his next work with clearer eyes4 ,,appendix ,,nine ,,famous ,,vaudeville ,,acts ,,complete ,,the ,,german ,,senator1 ,a ,monologue1 by ,aaron ,hoffman4 ,,the ,,art ,,of ,,flirtation1 ,a ,two-,act1 by ,aaron ,hoffman4 ,,after ,,the ,,shower1 ,a ,flirtation ,two-,act1 by ,louis ,weslyn4 ,,the ,,villain ,,still ,,pursued ,,her1 ,a ,travesty ,playlet1 by ,arthur ,denvir4 ,,the ,,lollard1 ,a ,comedy ,playlet1 by ,edgar ,allan ,woolf4 ,,blackmail1 ,a ,tragic ,playlet1 by ,richard ,harding ,davis4 ,,the ,,system1 ,a ,melodramatic ,playlet1 by ,taylor ,granville4 ,a ,,persian ,,garden1 ,a ,one-,act ,musical ,comedy1 by ,edgar ,allan ,woolf4 ,my ,,old ,,kentucky ,,home1 ,a ,one-,act ,burlesque1 by ,james ,madison4 ,a ,,word ,,about ,,the ,,acts ,the nine acts which are given1 complete1 in the following pages are representative of the very best in vaudeville4 ,naturally1 they do not show every possible vaudeville variation--a series of volumes would be required for that--but1 taken together1 they represent all the forms of the talking vaudeville act that are commonly seen4 ,,the ,,monologue ,the ,german ,senator ,this monologue by ,aaron ,hoffman has been chosen as perhaps the best example of the pure monologue ever written4 ,originally used by ,cliff ,gordon--continually being changed to keep it up-to-the-minute--it has1 since his death1 been presented by numerous successors of the first ,german ,senator4 ,it is doubtful if any other dramatic work--or any other writing--of equal length1 and certainly no monologue1 has returned to its author so much money as ,the ,german ,senator has earned4 ,,the ,,two-,,acts ,the ,art of ,flirtation ,for more years than perhaps any other vaudeville two-act1 this exceptionally fine example of two-act form has been used by various famous ,german comedians4 ,it may be considered to stand in much the same relation to the two-act that ,the ,german ,senator does to the monologue4 ,its author1 also ,mr4 ,aaron ,hoffman1 holds a unique position among vaudeville and musical comedy writers4 ,after the ,shower ,this delightful little example of lover's nonsense was played for more than four years by ,lola ,merrill and ,frank ,otto4 ,it has been instanced as one of the daintiest and finest flirtation-couple-acts that the two-a-day has seen4 ,mr4 ,louis ,weslyn has written perhaps more successful acts of this particular style than any other author4 ,,the ,,playlets ,the ,villain ,still ,pursued ,her ,this travesty1 one of the most successful on record1 was used for years to star ,mrs4 ,frank ,sheridan4 ,written by ,mr4 ,arthur ,denvir1 whose specialty is travesties1 it undoubtedly became the inspiration for the many similar acts that created the travesty-vogue of #aiab-ae4 ,the ,lollard ,edgar ,allan ,woolf1 who wrote this delightful satirical comedy1 is perhaps the most successful writer of playlets in this country4 ,for many years he has turned out success after success for famous legitimate stars1 while still other performers have become vaudeville stars in his acts4 ,mr4 ,woolf himself chose ,the ,lollard as representative of his best comedies4 ,the star role1 ,angela ,maxwell1 was created in this country by ,miss ,regina ,cornelli1 and in ,england by ,miss ,hilda ,trevelyan4 ,blackmail ,richard ,harding ,davis needs no introduction4 ,this remarkable little tragedy was produced for the ,orpheum ,circuit by ,mr4 ,charles ,feleky1 who declares it to be the best tragic playlet ,i have produced4 ,from so eminent a vaudeville producer1 this is1 indeed1 high praise4 ,the character of ,richard ,fallon was created by ,mr4 ,walter ,hampden4 ,the ,system ,without doubt1 this act is the best of the many big productions with which ,mr4 ,taylor ,granville has supplied ,the ,united ,booking ,offices of ,america1 during his many years as a producing star4 ,mr4 ,junie ,mc,cree1 who collaborated with ,mr4 ,granville1 was once president of ,the ,white ,rats1 the vaudeville actors' union1 and is now a successful vaudeville writer4 ,mr4 ,edward ,clark1 the third collaborator1 has written many successful vaudeville acts4 ,the ,system is said to have been characterized by ,mr4 ,george ,m4 ,cohan as the best one-act melodrama he ever saw4 ,its extraordinary popularity in this country and in ,england is but added proof of the tenseness of its scenes and its great ending4 ,,the ,,one-,,act ,,musical ,,comedy ,a ,persian ,garden ,played by ,louis ,simons season after season1 this real comedy set to music is without question ,mr4 ,edgar ,allan ,woolf's best effort in this field4 ,unlike the usual musical comedy1 this act possesses dialogue interest as well as pleasing brilliancy4 ,it has won its many years of success not because of scenery1 costumes and the chorus1 but by the sterling worth apparent in the manuscript divorced from them4 ,,the ,,burlesque ,,tab ,my ,old ,kentucky ,home ,perhaps the most characteristic of the burlesque acts in vaudeville1 this ,tab has been played in various guises in the two-a-day and in burlesque for many seasons4 ,it is the work of a writer who justly prides himself on his intimate knowledge of the burlesque form1 and who possesses the most complete library of burlesque manuscripts in ,america4 ,to the thousands of readers of ,madison's ,budget1 ,james ,madison requires no introduction4 ,permission to publish these acts has1 in each instance1 been personally granted to the author of this volume4 ,this kind permission covers publication in this book only4 ,republication of these acts in whole or in part1 in any form whatsoever1 is expressly prohibited4 ,stage presentation of any of the acts is likewise forbidden4 ,a ,special ,warning has been inserted in the introductory page of every act1 at the request of each author4 ,the reason for such repetition is to be found in the commercial value of successful vaudeville material1 and in the fact that the general public has never precisely understood the reservations permitted to the author of a dramatic work under the copyright law4 ,infringements of any sort are subject to severe penalties under ,united ,states law and will be rigidly prosecuted4 ,to the writers of these acts the author of this volume wishes to express his deep appreciation for the permissions that enable him to print as illustrations of his text some of the finest acts that vaudeville has ever seen4 ,the ,german ,senator ,a ,monologue ,by ,aaron ,hoffman ,author of ,the ,politicians1 ,the ,belle of ,avenue ,a1 ,the ,newly-weds and their ,baby1 ,let ,george ,do ,it1 ,school ,days1 ,etc41 ,etc4 ,,the ,,german ,,senator ,my dear friends and falling citizens3 ,my heart fills up with vaccination to be disabled to come out here before such an intelligence massage of people and have the chance to undress such a large conglomerated aggravation4 ,i do not come before you like other political speakers1 with false pride in one hand and the ,star ,strangled ,banana in the other4 ,i come before you as a true1 sterilized citizen1 a man who is for the public and against the people1 and ,i want to tell you1 my 'steemed friends1 when ,i look back on the early hysterics of our country1 and think how our forefathers strangled to make this country voss iss is it2 when you think of the lives that was loosed and the blood that was shredded1 we got to feel a feeling of patriotic symptoms--we got to feel a patriotic symp--symps--you got to feel the patri--you can't help it1 you got to feel it4 ,i tell you1 our hearts must fill up with indigestion when we look out to see the ,statue of ,liberty1 the way she stands1 all alone1 dressed up in nothing1 with a light in her hand1 showing her freedom4 ,and what a fine place they picked out for ,liberty to stand4 ,with ,coney ,island on one side and ,blackwell's ,island on the other4 ,and when she stands there now1 looking on the country the way it is and what she has to stand for1 ,i tell you tears and tears must drop from her eyes4 ,well1 to prove it--look at the ocean she filled up4 ,and no wonder she's crying4 ,read the nuisance papers4 ,see what is going on4 ,look what the country owes4 ,according to the last report of the ,secretary of the ,pleasury1 the ,united ,states owes five billion dollars4 ,nobody knows what we owe it for2 ,and nobody ever sees what we have got for it2 #a #a ,here begins the ,panama ,canal point1 referred to in ,chapter ,v4 ,it continues until the ,end of ,panama ,canal ,point footnote below4 ,first read the monologue including this point1 then read it skipping the point--thus you will see1 first1 what a complete point is2 second1 what blending means2 and third1 how a monologist may shorten or lengthen his routine by leaving out or including a point4 end footnote ,and if you go to ,washington1 the ,capsule of the ,united ,states1 and ask them1 ,,they don't even know ,,themselves4 ,then they say1 what keeps the country broke is the ,pay-no-more ,canal4 ,it cost the ,government nine thousand dollars an hour to dig the canal4 ,,think ,,of ,,that6 ,nine thousand dollars an hour for digging1 and the worst of it is1 they ain't digging4 ,up to date1 it has cost a hundred and seventy million dollars to dig a hole--they've been at it for over nine years--and the only hole they've dug is in the ,united ,states ,treasury4 ,every six months1 the ,chief ,engineer1 he comes up with a report2 ,he says3 ,mr4 ,congress1 the canal is getting better every day1 a million dollars ,,more please4 ,he gets the money1 goes out1 buys a couple of shovels1 then sends back a telegram3 ,,hooray--,the digging is very good1 the two oceans will soon be one4 ,can you beat that8 ,before they started the canal it didn't cost us nothing1 and we had two oceans4 ,and by the time they get through1 it'll cost us three hundred million and we'll only have one4 ,and now that the canal is nearly finished1 it looks like it was going to get us into trouble4 ,japan is against it on one side and ,england don't like it on the other4 ,and that's why we've got to have a navy4 #a #a ,end of ,panama ,canal point4 ,see footnote above1 also ,chapter ,v4 ,of course1 we've got a navy4 ,but everybody is kicking about it4 ,why should they kick8 ,all we appropriated for the navy last year was four million dollars4 ,and there's eighty million people in this country4 ,and that figures a nickel apiece4 ,and what the hell kind of a navy do you expect for a nickel8 ,still they are crying that the country is in destitution circumstances4 ,that is inconsis--inconsis--you can't deny it4 ,our country has got a superabum1 a superabum--a superabum--we've got a lot of money4 ,there's money lying in the treasury that never was touched4 ,and the first fellow that will touch it will get six months4 ,the whole trouble is the trusts4 ,look what the cold storage trust have done with the eggs4 ,sixty cents a dozen--for the good ones4 ,and the good ones are rotten4 ,then they say the reason prices are going up is because wages are getting higher4 ,but why should they raise the price of eggs8 ,the chickens ain't getting any more wages4 ,and if meat goes up any higher1 it will be worth more than money4 ,then there won't be any money4 ,instead of carrying money in your pocket1 you'll carry meat around4 ,a sirloin steak will be worth a thousand dollar bill4 ,when you go down to the bank to make a deposit1 instead of giving the cashier a thousand dollar bill1 you'll slip him a sirloin steak4 ,if you ask him for change1 he'll give you a hunk of bologny4 ,if they keep on1 we won't be able to live at all4 ,statistics prove that the average wages of the workingman is one dollar a day4 ,out of that1 he's got to spend fifty cents a day for food2 fifty-five cents for rent2 ten cents for car fare4 ,and at the end of a hard day's work--he owes himself fifteen cents4 ,yet the rich people say that the poor people are getting prosperous4 ,they say1 look at our streets4 ,you see nothing but automobiles4 ,you don't see half the poor people now that you used to4 ,certainly you don't4 ,half of them have already been run over and the other half is afraid to come out4 ,why1 between the automobiles and the trusts the poor man hasn't got a chance to live4 ,and if only the gas trust gets a little stronger1 the price of gas will go up so high a poor man won't even be able to commit suicide4 ,they'll have him both ways4 ,he can't live and he can't die4 ,and that's why ,i am with the socialists4 ,they say1 ,down with the trusts6 ,do away with money4 ,make everything equal4 ,imagine a fellow going into a jewelry store and saying3 ,give me a diamond ring1 here's a lemon4 ,but the socialists have got some good ideas for the working people4 ,and my heart and soul is with the labor class of people4 ,i am for labor unions4 ,but what help are the labor unions to the working man8 ,look at it in the right light4 ,a man pays twenty-five dollars to join a union4 ,he gets a job in a shop for two dollars a day1 works two weeks1 the union gets out on a strike and he owes himself a dollar4 ,the unions are crying the days are too long4 ,they want the days shorter4 ,they want the days should be eight hours long4 ,but think of the fellows out in the ,north ,pole where the days are six months long4 ,that's the place for the poor man to live4 ,when the landlord comes around and says1 ,rent1 all you have to do is to tell him to come around the day after tomorrow4 ,then ,andrew ,carnigger1 he comes out and tells us you should save money and put it in the bank4 ,what's the use of putting your money in the bank8 ,it's easy enough to put it in1 but it aint so easy to get it out4 ,when you want to take your money out1 you got to give the cashier sixty days notice4 ,and did you ever figure out how far a cashier can go in sixty days8 ,then they say1 as the world goes on1 we are improving4 ,it's ridiculum4 ,we were better off years ago than we are now4 ,look at ,adam in the ,garden of ,eat-ing4 ,life to him was a pleasure2 ,there was a fellow that had nothing to worry about4 ,anything he wanted he could get4 ,but the darn fool had to get lonesome4 ,and that's the guy that started all our troubles4 ,we would be all right today1 if it wasn't for ,adam and ,evil4 ,then they say that ,adam fell for an apple4 ,it just shows how men have improved4 ,no man would fall for an apple today4 ,it would have to be a peach4 ,and ,i tell you1 it's no wonder that women feel stuck up4 ,they say they can do more than men can do4 ,that's very true1 when you go back to the first woman1 ,eve4 ,she was only one little woman1 all by herself1 and she put the whole human race on the bum4 ,could a man do that8 ,and yet she was only a rib out of ,adam's side4 ,it just goes to show you what a cheap proposition woman was4 ,nowadays1 when you want to marry a woman1 you got to buy a diamond ring1 take her to the theatres1 buy her taxicheaters1 and what's left of your wages you got to spend on candy and tango trots and turkey teas4 ,there's where ,adam had it on all of us4 ,all ,eve cost him was one bone4 ,it all goes to show you how much better off man was in those days than today1 and while ,john ,d4 ,rottenfeller1 the great ,philosopede1 he comes out and says1 nobody has a right to be poor2 he says1 anybody can live on eighteen dollars a week4 ,he don't have to tell us that4 ,let him tell us how to get the eighteen4 ,and still that great statesment1 ,william ,chinning ,bryan1 he comes out and says1 we are living in a great country4 ,he says we are living in a country of excitement intelligence and education4 ,that's very true4 ,look at our public school system4 ,a child can go to school for nothing1 and when he grows up to be a man and he is thoroughly educated1 he can go into the public school and be a teacher and get fifty dollars a month4 ,and the janitor gets ninety-five4 ,that shows you how education is coming to the front4 ,wouldn't it better1 instead of sending a child to school1 to learn him to clean out a cellar8 ,and what's the cause of all the trouble8 ,the ,house of ,representatives4 ,we send them to ,washington to look out for the people and the only time they look out for the people is when they look out the window and see them coming4 ,then they get #g1ejj a year4 ,they spend #aj1jjj a year1 and at the end of the year they have #ajj1jjj saved4 ,no wonder they are careless with our money4 ,that's all they got to do4 ,sit around ,washington and touch the treasury4 ,every couple of days a fellow comes into ,congress and says3 ,good morning1 ,congress1 let me have #d1jjj1jjj4 ,that's all they do1 is make touches for millions4 ,you never heard of those suckers making a touch for a quarter1 or a half a dollar4 ,to show you what they do with our money1 look at our ,weather ,bureau ,department4 ,we pay a fellow #aj1jjj a year4 ,for what8 ,to tell us when it's going to rain4 ,and he don't know himself4 ,but he don't want to know4 ,he knows that if he ever guesses it right1 he is going to lose his job4 ,but believe me1 it's a soft job4 ,nothing to do4 ,he gets up in the morning1 eats a nice breakfast1 smokes a good fat cigar2 then he looks out of the window and says1 ,fine weather to-day4 ,then he takes his umbrella and goes out for a walk4 ,i tell you1 my dear friends1 the way the country stands now1 the country stands on the brink of a preci--the country stands on the brink of a precip--and if somebody shoves it1 it is going over4 ,and the cause of all the trouble in the country is the crooked politics4 ,and that's why the women suffering gents have gotten together and are fighting for their rights4 ,and you can't blame them4 ,now ,i see where one married woman has hit on a great idea4 ,she says there's only one protection for the wives4 ,and that's a wives' union4 ,imagine a union for wives4 ,a couple gets married4 ,and as soon as they get settled1 along comes the walking delegate and orders a strike4 ,then imagine thousands and thousands of wives walking up and down the streets on strike1 and scabs taking their places4 ,the ,art of ,flirtation ,a ,two-,act for ,two ,men by ,aaron ,hoffman ,author of ,toblitz1 or ,the ,end of the ,world1 ,the ,new ,leader1 ,the ,son of ,solomon1 ,the ,speaker of the ,house1 ,etc41 ,etc4 ,,the ,,art ,,of ,,flirtation ,,straight3 ,say1 whenever we go out together1 you always got a kick coming4 ,what's the matter with you8 ,,comedian3 ,nothing is the matter with me4 ,,straight3 ,with you always everything is the matter4 ,,comedian3 ,what's the trouble8 ,,straight3 ,the trouble is you don't know nothing4 ,,comedian3 ,yes1 ,i do4 ,,straight3 ,you know6 ,if ,i only knew one-half of what you don't know1 ,i would know twice as much as the smartest man in the world4 ,,comedian3 ,what you got against me8 ,,straight3 ,you ain't a gentlemen4 ,,comedian3 ,what is a gentlemen8 ,,straight3 ,a gentlemen is a man who knows how to act senseless vit people no matter vat happens4 ,,comedian3 ,i am a gentlemen1 ,i always act senseless4 ,,straight3 ,you are a gentlemen6 ,look at you4 ,how can a man be a gentlemen with such a face like that4 ,there are two kinds of men--gentlemen and rummies4 ,i am a gentlemen1 you are a rummy4 ,,comedian3 ,i am a rummy8 ,i know how to act vit people4 ,ven you met your friends down the street1 vat did you say to them8 ,,straight3 ,i said come on and have a drink4 ,i spoke like a gentlemen4 ,,comedian3 ,and ve all vent to have a drink4 ,,straight3 ,ve did4 ,,comedian3 ,didn't ,i pay for it8 ,,straight3 ,sure--that shows you are a rummy4 ,,comedian3 ,no1 that shows ,i was a gentlemen4 ,,straight3 ,dat's right4 ,in a saloon you are a gentlemen4 ,,comedian3 ,sure ,i am4 ,i act just a bartender4 ,,straight3 ,but the trouble with you is you don't know how to mingle4 ,,comedian3 ,oh1 ,i can mingle4 ,,straight3 ,you don't know the first thing about mingling4 ,as a mingler you are a flivver4 ,among men you are all right1 but as soon as ,i take you out to some parties and dinners and you see some women around1 your brains get loose4 ,,comedian3 ,why--what do ,i do8 ,,straight3 ,it makes no resemblance what you do or what you say4 ,no matter how you do it--no matter how you say it1 the women get insulted4 ,you ain't got the least consumtion how to be disagreeable to the ladies4 ,,comedian3 ,oh1 ,i know how to be disagreeable to a lady4 ,you ought to hear me talk to my wife4 ,,straight3 ,to your wife8 ,any man can be disagreeable to his wife4 ,but tink of other women--the trouble with you is1 you have no1 as the ,french people say1 you have no savoir faire4 ,,comedian3 ,no what8 ,,straight3 ,i say that you ain't got no1 what the ,french people call1 savoir faire4 ,,comedian3 ,what's dot8 ,,straight3 ,savoir faire4 ,,comedian3 ,oh1 ,i can salve for fair4 ,,straight3 ,you can salve for fair2 yes1 but you ain't got no savoir faire4 ,you are not a mingler4 ,you have no vit1 no humor4 ,you ain't got no esprit4 ,,comedian3 ,vere do you get all dose words8 ,,straight3 ,i get them because ,i am a gentlemen4 ,,comedian3 ,then ,i'm glad ,i am a rummy4 ,,straight3 ,sure you're a rummy4 ,if you wasn't a rummy1 you'd have esprit4 ,,comedian3 ,oh1 ,i had a spree lots of times4 ,,straight3 ,not a spree4 ,i mean esprit4 ,i mean you ain't got no refinement--like me4 ,i got polish4 ,,comedian3 ,you're a shine4 ,,straight3 ,no1 ,i ain't a shine4 ,i am a lady killer4 ,,comedian3 ,one look at you is enough to kill any lady4 ,,straight3 ,i am a ,beau ,brummel4 ,ven ,i am with the ladies1 ,i talk to dem vit soft words2 ,i whisper sweet nothings1 but you1 you rummy you1 you don't know how to make the ladies feel unhappy4 ,,comedian3 ,how do you make them unhappy8 ,,straight3 ,you got to be disagreeable to them4 ,,comedian3 ,and vat do you do to be disagreeable to ladies8 ,,straight3 ,the only vay to be disagreeable to a lady1 you got to flirt vit her4 ,,comedian3 ,flirt4 ,vat does that mean flirt8 ,,straight3 ,flirting is a thing that begins in nothing4 ,you say something1 you talk like everything and you mean nothing1 and it liable to end up in anything4 ,a flirtation is a clan-destination meeting with a lady4 ,,comedian3 ,vat kind of a meeting is dot8 ,,straight3 ,don't you know8 ,ven you flirt1 you meet a pretty woman in a shady spot4 ,,comedian3 ,oh1 you meet a shady woman in a pretty spot4 ,,straight3 ,not a shady woman4 ,a pretty woman in a shady spot4 ,,comedian3 ,how do you know so much about flirting8 ,,straight3 ,now you come to it4 ,i got here a book on the art of flirtation4 ,here it is4 7biz4 shows book47 ,,comedian3 ,what is the name of that book8 ,,straight3 ,the art of flirtation4 ,how to make a lady fall in love with you for ten cents4 ,,comedian3 ,a lady fell in love with me once and it cost me ,five ,hundred ,dollars4 ,,straight3 ,that's because you didn't have this book4 ,this book tells you how to make love4 ,this book is full of the finest kind of love4 ,,comedian3 ,for ten cents4 ,,straight3 ,yes1 for ten cents4 ,,comedian3 ,oh1 it's ten cents love4 ,,straight3 ,no1 it ain't ten-cent love4 ,it's fine love 7opens book74 ,see--here is the destructions4 ,right on the first page you learn something4 ,see--how to flirt with a handkerchief4 ,,comedian3 ,who wants to flirt with a handkerchief8 ,i want to flirt with a woman4 ,,straight3 ,listen to what the book says4 ,to a flirter all things have got a language4 ,according to this book1 flirters can speak with the eye1 with the fan1 with the cane1 with the umbrella1 with the handkerchief1 with anything4 ,this book tells you how to do it4 ,,comedian3 ,for ten cents4 ,,straight3 ,shut up4 ,now when you see a pretty woman coming along who wants to flirt with you1 what is the first thing a man should do8 ,,comedian3 ,run the other way4 ,,straight3 ,no1 no4 ,this is the handkerchief flirtation4 ,as soon as a pretty woman makes eyes at you1 you put your hands in your pockets4 ,,comedian3 ,and hold on to your money4 ,,straight3 ,no1 you take out your handkerchief4 7biz47 ,,comedian3 ,suppose you ain't got a handkerchief8 ,,straight3 ,every flirter must have a handkerchief4 ,it says it in the book4 ,now you shake the handkerchief three times like this 7biz474 ,do you know what that means8 ,,comedian3 7,biz4 of shaking head47 ,,straight3 ,that means you want her to give you-- ,,comedian3 ,ten cents4 ,,straight3 ,no4 ,dat means you want her to give you a smile4 ,so you shake the handkerchief three times like this 7biz471 then you draw it across you mouth like this 7biz474 ,what does that mean8 ,,comedian3 ,that means you just had a glass of beer4 ,,straight3 ,no1 dat means ,i would like to speak with you4 ,,comedian3 ,and does she answer8 ,,straight3 ,she got to1 it says it in the book4 ,,comedian3 ,does she answer you with a handkerchief8 ,,straight3 ,yes1 or she might umbrella4 ,,comedian3 ,over the head4 ,,straight3 ,sure4 ,if she answers you with de umbrella over the head1 that means something4 ,ven she holds the umbrella over her head1 she means that she is a married woman4 ,,comedian3 ,den you quit flirting4 ,,straight3 ,no1 den you commence4 ,if she shakes it dis way 7biz471 dat means-- ,,comedian3 ,her husband is coming4 ,,straight3 ,no4 ,dat means ,you look good to me4 ,den you hold your handkerchief by the corner like dis 7biz474 ,,comedian3 ,vat does that mean8 ,,straight3 ,meet me on the corner4 ,,comedian3 ,och1 dat's fine 7takes handkerchief74 ,den if you hold it dis way1 dat means 7biz47 ,are you on the square8 ,,straight3 ,you are learning already4 ,you will soon be a flirter4 ,now ,i vill show you how you flirt according to the book4 ,you are a man flirter1 and ,i am a beautiful female4 ,,comedian3 ,you are what8 ,,straight3 ,a female4 ,a female4 ,,comedian3 ,vat's dat1 a female8 ,,straight3 ,a female4 ,don't you know what fee means8 ,fee1 that means money4 ,male1 that means man4 ,female4 ,that means ,get money from a man4 ,that's a female4 ,i am a beautiful woman and just to teach you how to flirt1 ,i am going to take a walk thro' the park4 ,,comedian3 ,i thought you were a gentlemen4 ,,straight3 ,no4 ,no4 ,just for an instance ,i am a lady4 ,i will walk past in a reckless way1 and ,i will make eyes at you4 ,,comedian3 ,if you do1 ,i will smash my nose in your face4 ,,straight3 ,no4 ,no4 ,when ,i make eyes at you1 you must wave your handkerchief at me three times4 ,den you reproach me vit all the disrespect in the world and den you take off your hat and you say something4 ,vat do you say8 ,,comedian3 ,ten cents4 ,,straight3 ,no4 ,no4 ,you say something pleasant4 ,you speak of the weather1 for instance4 ,you say ,good-evening1 ,madam1 nice day4 ,,comedian3 ,suppose it ain't a nice day8 ,,straight3 ,no matter what kind of a day it is1 you speak about it4 ,now ,i'm the lady and ,i am coming4 ,get ready4 7,,straight does burlesque walk around ,,comedian4 4 4 4 ,,straight stops and drops handkerchief47 ,,comedian3 ,say--you dropped something4 ,,straight3 ,i know it4 ,i know it4 ,flirt4 ,flirt4 7,,comedian biz4 of pulling out red handkerchief47 ,,comedian3 ,i am flirting4 ,i am flirting4 ,,straight3 ,what are you trying to do1 flag a train8 ,why don't you pick up my handkerchief8 ,,comedian3 ,i don't need any1 ,i got one4 ,,straight3 7,picks up handkerchief and turns47 ,oh1 you rummy you4 ,why don't you reproach me and say something about the weather8 ,,comedian3 ,all right1 you do it again4 ,,straight3 ,now don't be bashful6 ,don't be bashful6 ,here ,i come 7biz4 of walk74 ,,comedian3 7pose with hat47 ,good evening4 ,are you a flirter8 ,,straight3 ,oh you fool 7gives ,,comedian a push74 ,,comedian3 ,oh1 what a mean lady dat is4 ,,straight3 ,you musn't ask her if she's a flirter4 ,you must say something4 ,de way it says in the book4 ,you must speak of something4 ,if you can't speak of anything else1 speak of the weather4 ,,comedian3 ,all right1 ,i'll do it again this time4 ,,straight3 ,this is the last time ,i'll be a lady for you4 ,here ,i come 7biz474 ,,comedian3 ,good evening1 ,mrs4 ,lady4 ,sloppy weather we're having4 ,,straight3 ,sloppy weather6 ,it's no use2 ,i can't teach you how to be a flirter1 you got to learn it from the book4 ,listen4 ,here is what it says4 ,after you made the acquaintanceship of de lady1 you should call at her house in the evening4 ,as you open the gate you look up at the vindow and she will wave a handkerchief like this 7biz474 ,that means1 somebody is vaiting for you4 ,,comedian3 ,the bulldog4 ,,straight3 ,no4 ,the flirtess4 ,you valk quickly to the door4 ,,comedian3 ,the bulldog after you4 ,,straight3 ,dere is no bulldog in this4 ,you don't flirt vith a bulldog4 ,,comedian3 ,but suppose the bulldog flirts with you8 ,,straight3 ,shut up4 ,she meets you at the door4 ,you have your handkerchief on your arm 7biz47 ,,comedian3 ,and the dog on my leg4 ,,straight3 ,no1 the handkerchief is on your arm4 ,dat means ,can ,i come in8 ,,comedian3 ,and den what do you do8 ,,straight3 ,if she says ,yes1 you go in the parlor1 you sit on the sofa1 side by side1 you take her hand4 ,,comedian3 ,and she takes your vatch4 ,,straight3 ,no4 ,you take her hand1 den you say3 ,whose goo-goo luvin' baby is oosum8 ,,comedian3 ,does it say that in the book8 ,,straight3 ,sure4 ,,comedian3 ,let me see it4 7,,comedian tears out page47 ,den vat do you do8 ,,straight3 ,you put her vaist around your arms-- ,,comedian3 ,and den8 ,,straight3 ,den you squeeze it-- ,,comedian3 ,and den8 ,,straight3 ,she'll press her head upon your manly shoulder-- ,,comedian3 ,and den-- ,,straight3 ,she looks up into your eyes-- ,,comedian3 ,and den8 ,,straight3 ,you put the other arm around her-- ,,comedian3 ,and den8 ,,straight3 ,you hold her tight-- ,,comedian3 ,and den8 ,,straight3 ,you turn down the gas-- ,,comedian3 ,and den8 ,,straight3 ,she sighs-- ,,comedian3 ,and den8 ,,straight3 ,you sigh-- ,,comedian3 ,and den8 ,,straight3 ,dat's the end of the book4 ,,comedian3 ,is dat all8 ,,straight3 ,sure4 ,what do you want for ten cents8 ,,comedian3 ,but vat do you do after you turn down the gas8 ,,straight3 ,do you expect the book to tell you everything8 ,,after ,,the ,,shower ,a ,,two-,,act ,,for ,a ,,man ,,and ,,woman ,by ,louis ,weslyn ,author of ,at the ,news ,stand1 ,the ,girl and the ,pearl1 ,an ,easy ,mary1 ,a ,campus ,flirtation1 ,etc41 ,etc4 ,,after ,,the ,,shower ,,characters ,,the ,,fellow ,,the ,,girl ,,scene3 ,a pretty country lane in ,one1 7,special drop7 supposed to be near ,lake ,george4 ,rustic bench on ,r4 of stage4 ,when the orchestra begins the music for the act1 the girl enters1 dressed in a fashionable tailor-made gown1 and carrying parasol4 ,she comes on laughing1 from ,l41 and glancing back over her shoulder at ,,the ,,fellow1 who follows after her1 a few paces behind4 ,,the ,,girl wears only one glove1 and ,,the ,,fellow is holding out the other one to her as he makes his entrance4 ,he is dressed in a natty light summer suit and wears a neat straw hat4 ,,the ,,girl3 7,as she comes on with a little run47 ,i don't see why on earth you insist upon following me4 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,lifting his hat47 ,i never knew why ,i was on earth until ,i met you4 7,waving glove at her47 ,say1 this is your glove--you know it's your glove4 ,,the ,,girl3 7,laughingly47 ,it must belong to somebody else4 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,no1 it doesn't4 ,i saw you drop it4 ,besides1 you are wearing only one glove1 and this one matches it4 ,,the ,,girl3 7,stopping on right of stage near rustic bench and turning to face him1 holding out her hand47 ,you are right4 ,it is my glove4 ,i'll take it1 please4 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,stopping to gaze at her admiringly47 ,no1 on second thought1 ,i'll keep it4 7,he folds it up tenderly1 and places it in the upper left-hand pocket of his coat47 ,i'll keep it right here1 too1--near my heart4 ,,the ,,girl3 ,oh1 what nonsense6 ,you've never seen me but three times in your life4 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,coming nearer her47 ,yes--that's true4 ,and you look better every time ,i see you4 ,say1 you do look awfully nice this morning4 ,nobody would think1 from your appearance1 that you belonged to a camping party here on the shore of ,lake ,george4 ,i guess that thunder storm last night didn't bother you a little bit4 ,why1 you look as if you were out for a stroll on ,fifth ,avenue4 ,,the ,,girl3 7,aside47 ,little does he know that ,i got caught in that shower and am now wearing my chum1 ,genevieve's1 gown4 7,to him47 ,what a jollier you are6 ,you look pretty natty yourself this morning1 it seems to me4 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,aside47 ,this suit of clothes ,i got from ,tommy ,higgins has made a hit with her4 ,i guess ,i'll just let her think they belong to me1 and won't tell her that ,i got soaked in the rain last night4 7,to her1 lifting his hat again47 ,i'm tickled nearly to death to have you say such complimentary things to me4 ,it makes me glad ,i came on this camping trip4 ,,the ,,girl3 ,you belong to the camping party flying the flag of the skull and cross-bones1 don't you8 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,yes--all the boys are young doctors1 except me4 ,,the ,,girl3 ,and what are you8 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,i'm the patient4 ,,the ,,girl3 ,are you sick8 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,love-sick4 ,,the ,,girl3 7,turning up her nose47 ,how ridiculous6 ,what brought you to ,lake ,george8 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,you4 ,,the ,,girl3 ,i6 ,oh1 you are too absurd for anything4 ,give me my glove1 please1 and let me go4 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,coming still nearer47 ,don't be rash4 ,there's no place to go4 ,all of your camping party have gone on a boating trip except yourself4 ,you're surely not going back there and hang around the camp all alone8 ,,the ,,girl3 7,in surprise47 ,how did ,,you know that the rest of my party had gone away for the day8 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,i saw 'em start4 ,why didn't you go with 'em8 ,,the ,,girl3 ,i had nothing to wear but this tailor-made gown1 and a girl can't go boating in a dress like this4 ,i only intended to stay two days when ,i came up here from ,new ,york to join the camp1 and was not prepared with enough clothes4 ,i've sent home for clothes and am expecting them to arrive at the camp this morning-- that's why ,i didn't go boating1 since you are impertinent enough to ask4 7,she gives him an indignant look47 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,i beg your pardon4 ,won't you sit down8 ,,the ,,girl3 ,no1 ,i will not4 7,still looking quite indignant1 she sits down immediately on bench4 ,he sits down beside her47 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,neither will ,i4 7,he looks at her out of the corners of his eyes1 and she turns her face away1 nervously tapping the stage with one foot47 ,,the ,,girl3 ,you seem to know all that has been going on at our camp4 ,i believe you have been spying on us4 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,not at all4 ,i know one of the girls in your camp4 ,,the ,,girl3 7,sarcastically47 ,oh1 you do6 7,she tosses her head47 ,so you have been following me up in order to send some message to another girl4 ,who is she8 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,genevieve ,patterson4 ,,the ,,girl3 7,aside47 ,i'll never let him know now that ,i have on ,genevieve's clothes4 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,but you're mistaken4 ,i've already sent the message4 ,it was about you4 ,,the ,,girl3 ,about me8 ,what about me8 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,i wanted ,genevieve to introduce us4 ,say--you haven't told me your name yet4 ,,the ,,girl3 ,i don't intend to4 ,i think you are very forward4 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,shall ,i tell you my name8 ,,the ,,girl3 ,by no means4 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,you're not interested8 ,,the ,,girl3 ,not a bit4 7,there is a pause4 ,she keeps her head turned away4 ,he looks upward and all around1 somewhat embarrassed47 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,finally breaking the silence47 ,are there any bugs in your camp8 ,,the ,,girl3 7,facing him angrily47 ,sir6 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,i mean gnats1 mosquitoes--things like that4 ,,the ,,girl3 ,yes4 ,i was badly bitten last night by a mosquito4 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,very much interested47 ,where did he get you8 ,,the ,,girl3 7,laughing47 ,well1 you are so fresh that ,i can't be mad at you4 ,you're too funny4 ,since you want to know so much1 he got me on the knee4 ,i wasn't far-seeing enough to bring mosquito netting4 ,it's a bad bite4 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,is it possible8 ,,the ,,girl3 ,don't you believe it8 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,well1 ,i'm not far-seeing enough to know for sure4 7,with a sly glance at her knees47 ,,the ,,girl3 ,how silly of you6 ,but say--,i know a joke on you4 ,i saw you fall in the lake yesterday4 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,nodding his head47 ,while ,i was fishing8 ,,the ,,girl3 ,yes2 it was so amusing4 ,i don't know when ,i've enjoyed such a hearty joke4 ,how did you come to fall in8 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,i didn't come to fall in4 ,i came to fish4 ,,the ,,girl3 ,i also saw that man with the camera over in your camp4 ,what was he dojng8 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,oh1 he was a moving picture man from ,new ,york4 ,he was taking moving pictures of our cheese4 ,,the ,,girl3 ,preposterous6 ,have you caught any fish since you came8 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,only a dog-fish1 with a litter of puppies4 ,,the ,,girl3 7,with wide-open eyes47 ,how interesting6 ,what did you do with them8 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,we made frankfurter sausages out of the little ones1 and we are using the big one to guard the camp4 ,,the ,,girl3 ,to guard the camp8 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,yes--it's a watch-dog fish4 ,,the ,,girl3 ,well1 ,i've heard of sea-dogs1 but ,i never knew before that-- ,,the ,,fellow3 ,oh1 yes--quite common4 ,i suppose1 of course1 you heard the cat-fish having a concert last night4 ,,the ,,girl3 ,no--surely you are joking4 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,no1 indeed--they were all tom-cats4 ,,the ,,girl3 ,who ever heard of such a thing8 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,well1 you've heard of tom-cods1 haven't you8 ,,the ,,girl3 ,yes1 of course1 but-- ,,the ,,fellow3 ,well1 why not tom-cats then8 ,say1 you must be sure to come over to our camp and see the collection in our private aquarium4 ,we have two compartments1 and keep the little daughter fish on one side1 and-- ,,the ,,girl3 ,the daughter fish6 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,nodding his head47 ,yes1 and the son-fish on the other4 7,,the ,,girl springs to her feet1 angrily47 ,,the ,,girl3 ,you are simply guying me4 ,i shan't listen to you another moment4 ,give me my glove1 sir1 ,i demand it4 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,also jumping to his feet and grasping her by the arm47 ,oh1 please don't get mad4 ,we were getting along so nicely1 too4 ,,the ,,girl3 7,sneeringly47 ,,we were getting along so nicely4 ,you mean ,,you were4 ,i wasn't4 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,yes1 you were doing ,,fine4 ,you were listening to me1 and ,i can get along all right with anybody that will listen to me4 ,besides--ah-ah--fraulein--mam'selle--yo u know1 ,i don't know your name--besides ,i--,i--,i like you4 ,i--,i think you're the sweetest girl ,i've ever seen4 ,,the ,,girl3 7,turning her head away1 and releasing her arm from his grasp47 ,oh1 pshaw6 ,you've said that to a hundred girls4 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,no--believe me1 ,i have not4 ,,you',,ve made a mighty big hit with me4 ,i'm hard hit this time4 ,i-- ,,the ,,girl3 7,laughing in spite of herself47 ,oh1 you foolish boy4 ,how can you expect me to believe you8 ,i'll bet anything that your coat pockets are filled with love letters from other girls this very minute4 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,you are wrong4 ,you are unjust4 ,clementina1 you are-- ,,the ,,girl3 7,indignant again47 ,clementina6 ,how dare you address me by such a ridiculous-- ,,the ,,fellow3 ,oh1 pardon me4 ,i thought ,clementina was quite poetic4 ,besides1 ,i've got to call you something4 ,you do me a terrible injustice4 ,on my word of honor--as a--as a fisherman--,i haven't a love letter in my coat pocket--or anywhere else4 ,i am young1 innocent1 virtuous and-- ,,the ,,girl3 7,bursting into laughter again47 ,and utterly foolish1 ,i should judge4 ,you are afraid to let me search your pockets4 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,afraid8 ,who's afraid8 ,me afraid6 ,well1 ,i'd be tickled to death to have you search my pockets4 ,i dare you to search my pockets4 ,i dare you--understand8 7,he faces her and throws up his hands over his head47 ,,the ,,girl3 ,you dare me1 do you8 ,well1 ,i just won't take a dare4 ,i'll do it4 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,go ahead and do it4 ,i repeat1 ,i dare you6 ,if you doubt my word1 prove to your satisfaction that ,i never lie4 ,i dare you6 ,,the ,,girl3 7,leaning her parasol against bench1 and stepping up to him in very business-like manner47 ,very well1 then4 ,i accept your challenge4 ,you can't bluff me out4 ,i believe that ,,all men lie when they talk to women1 and ,i am under the impression that you are no exception4 ,keep your hands up in the air--promise8 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,i promise4 ,,the ,,girl3 ,this is the first time ,i've ever held up anybody1 but here goes4 7,she searches his right-hand pocket47 ,i don't suppose you've ever been robbed before8 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,oh1 yes--,i was once surrounded by a band of robbers4 ,,the ,,girl3 7,still searching47 ,indeed6 ,on a public highway8 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,still holding up his hands47 ,no1 in a ,new ,york hotel cafe4 ,they were the waiters4 ,,the ,,girl3 7,taking her hand out of right-hand pocket47 ,well1 there's nothing in that one but a box of matches4 ,how about this one8 7,she thrusts her hand into the lower left-hand pocket1 and pulls out a letter1 written on dainty writing paper47 ,ah6 this is what ,i expected to find4 ,perfumed note paper4 7,she looks at it critically47 ,yes1 this is the one--no need to search further4 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,what the devil6--7,his hands drop to his sides1 and he opens his eyes in amazement47 ,,the ,,girl3 7,turning on him angrily47 ,sir--such language6 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,oh1 ,i beg your pardon--but--but--7,he points to letter47 ,i--,i--that letter isn't mine4 ,i can't understand how it got into my pocket4 ,i--7,suddenly a look of enlightenment comes into his face4 ,aside1 he says47 ,by thunder6--,i had forgotten all about it4 ,this suit of clothes belongs to ,tommy ,higgins4 ,oh1 what a mess ,i've made of it4 ,she'll never believe me now if ,i tell her ,i am wearing another fellow's suit4 7,to her1 excitedly47 ,say--listen to me1 honestly that letter was not written to me1 ,tommy ,higgins1 you see-- ,,the ,,girl3 7,waving him aside47 ,no excuses4 ,you probably thought you didn't have it with you4 ,falsehoods are always found out1 you see4 ,i was right4 ,you are like all the rest of the men--a born liar--only with this difference--you are a bigger liar than the average4 ,you are really in a class all by yourself4 7,with the letter held out before her1 she scans it eagerly47 ,oh1 this is immense6--this is delicious6 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,making a grab for the letter47 ,give that to me1 please4 ,,the ,,girl3 ,not on your life4 ,it may not be proper to read other people's letters1 but the present circumstances are unusual4 ,i shall certainly read it--and read it aloud4 ,i want to make you swallow every word and see how they agree with you4 ,listen to ,i this1 you barbaric ,ananias4 7,she reads aloud47 ,my beloved ,affinity--,come back to town next ,saturday without fail4 ,just slip away from the other boys at the camp4 ,tell them that an important business matter demands your presence in the city4 ,i am crazy to see you4 ,life without you is very stupid4 ,come to me1 my dearest1 without delay4 ,always your own1 ,clementina4 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,collapsing in a heap on the bench47 ,,clementina66 ,,the ,,girl3 7,folding up the letter and looking at him in utter scorn47 ,so that's where you got the name6 ,so you were thinking of the writer of this letter when you addressed ,,me by the name of ,clementina a while ago4 ,simply outrageous6 7,she stamps her feet47 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,with a groan47 ,oh1 ,lord6 ,i just happened to say ,clementina because ,i thought it was a pretty name4 ,won't you believe me8 ,i don't know who this ,clementina is4 ,i never saw the writer of that letter in all my life4 ,that letter was meant for ,tommy ,higgins4 ,this suit of clothes-- ,,the ,,girl3 7,interrupting47 ,don't even attempt to make ridiculous explanations4 ,don't make yourself more of a liar than you have already proved4 ,i won't listen to another word from you4 ,i didn't want to listen to you in the first place4 ,here is your affinity's letter1 sir4 7,she hands it to him4 ,he takes it and stuffs it angrily into the coat pocket47 ,now1 let me have my parasol1 please1 and my glove4 7,she reaches for the parasol1 but he catches it up and holds it behind his back1 as he rises from the bench47 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,you shall not go away until you hear what ,i want to say4 ,tommy ,higgins-- ,,the ,,girl3 ,oh1 bother ,tommy ,higgins6 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,yes4 ,that's what ,i say--only stronger4 ,but listen1 please-- ,,the ,,girl3 ,don't discuss the matter further4 ,my parasol and glove2 sir6 7,she is facing him angrily47 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,oh1 come now4 ,don't be so hard on a fellow4 ,i tell you that letter wasn't written to me4 ,what if ,i should search your pockets and find a letter that belonged to somebody else8 ,how would you feel about it8 ,,the ,,girl3 ,you would never find anything in ,,my pockets that ,i am ashamed of--that is1 if ,i ,,had any pockets4 ,but ,i have no pockets4 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,pointing with one hand at the right side of her jacket47 ,i beg your pardon4 ,it seems that you know how to tell 'em1 too4 ,what's that1 if it isn't a pocket8 ,,the ,,girl3 7,in embarrassment47 ,oh--yes--so it is4 7,aside47 ,i had forgotten that ,i was wearing ,genevieve's suit4 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,well1 turn about is fair play1 isn't it8 ,i'm going to search your pocket now4 ,,the ,,girl3 ,you mean to insinuate that ,i have anything in my pocket of a compromising nature8 ,how dare you6 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,you won't believe ,,me6 ,why should ,i believe you8 ,for all ,i know1 you may be a far different kind of girl than ,i took you to be4 ,,the ,,girl3 7,very angry47 ,you are insulting1 sir4 ,but since ,i stooped so low as to search your pockets1 ,i will give you the satisfaction of searching mine--and then that will be an end of our acquaintance4 ,you can then go your way--and ,i'll go my way4 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,we'll see about that4 ,hold up your hands4 ,,the ,,girl3 7,darting furious glances at him and holding her hands over her head47 ,very well1 sir4 ,hurry up1 please1 and have it over with4 7,,the ,,fellow very deliberately goes to bench1 leans the parasol up against it1 just as ,,the ,,girl had done before1 and imitating the business-like way in which she had gone through his pockets1 he comes up to her and pushes up his coat sleeves1 as if preparing for a serious piece of business47 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,still mimicing her manner47 ,i don't suppose you've ever been held up before8 ,,the ,,girl3 7,icily47 ,no--you are the first burglar ,i have ever met4 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,promise to hold your hands up until ,i have finished8 ,,the ,,girl3 7,scornfully47 ,of course1 ,i'm a girl of my word4 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,all right then4 7,he deliberately kisses her squarely on the lips1 while her hands are held up over her head4 ,she gives a cry and starts to drop her hands and push him away1 but he catches her arms and gently holds them up over her head again47 ,no1 no1 ,i'm not through yet4 ,,the ,,girl3 ,you are a brute4 ,you are not worthy to associate with a respectable girl4 7,,the ,,fellow thrusts his hands into the pocket of her jacket and puns out a box of cigarettes and a letter4 ,he holds them up before her horrified eyes47 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,well4 ,i'll be--7,he starts to say damned1 but stops just in time4 ,,the ,,girl',s arms drop limply to her sides1 and with eyes staring in complete bewilderment she staggers to the bench and collapses down upon it47 ,,the ,,girl3 ,good heavens6 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,blinking his eyes at the articles which he holds before him47 ,what innocent playthings6 ,a box of ,pall ,malls and a letter--no doubt1 an affinity letter4 7,he shakes his head1 soberly47 ,well1 well6 ,and you just said ,i wasn't fit to associate with you4 ,,the ,,girl3 7,her breast heaving in great agitation47 ,oh1 this is a terrible mistake6 ,what could ,genevieve have been doing with those things8 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,turning on her1 quickly47 ,genevieve8 ,,the ,,girl3 ,yes1 ,genevieve4 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,genevieve ,patterson4 ,,the ,,girl3 ,yes1 ,genevieve ,patterson--the girl you know--my best friend4 ,oh1 can't you understand8 ,those things don't belong to me4 ,they are--7,she stops abruptly1 bites her lips1 clasps her hands4 ,then says1 aside47 ,oh1 what am ,i doing8 ,i mustn't allow ,genevieve's reputation to be ruined4 ,i might as well take the blame and brave it out myself4 ,this situation is frightful4 7,she turns to him again47 ,i can't explain1 but don't--oh1 please don't think that ,i--that ,i--7,she stops1 looking as if she is about to cry47 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,again looking at the articles and shaking his head47 ,and you always looked like such a nice girl1 too4 ,cigarettes--and-- 7,he opens up the letter47 ,,the ,,girl3 7,suddenly springing to her feet47 ,you must not read that letter4 ,it does not belong to me4 ,you have no right to read that letter4 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,but you read the letter that didn't belong to me4 ,,the ,,girl3 ,it did belong to you4 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,it didn't6 ,,the ,,girl3 ,,did6 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,didn't6 ,,the ,,girl3 7,running forward and trying to grab the letter1 which he holds out of her reach47 ,i forbid you to read that letter4 ,i swear to you1 it is not mine4 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,still holding it out of her reach and looking it over47 ,by ,george6 ,you are right--it is ,,not yours4 ,it is ,,mine6 ,,the ,,girl3 ,,yours8 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,yes1 mine4 ,it's the very message ,i sent to ,genevieve ,patterson yesterday--the letter in which ,i asked for an introduction to you4 7,he hands it to her47 ,here--read it yourself1 if you don't believe me this time4 7,,the ,,girl wonderingly takes the letter and reads it to herself1 her lips moving and her eyes wide open in surprise47 ,,the ,,girl3 7,as she finishes she looks sweetly up at him47 ,then you are ,,not such a liar after all4 ,you did tell me the truth4 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,nothing but the truth4 ,,the ,,girl3 ,but what about that other letter8 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,taking her by the shoulder and speaking quickly47 ,now1 you've got to listen4 ,that other letter was written to ,tommy ,higgins4 ,i was caught in the shower last night1 and had to borrow this suit of clothes from ,tommy4 ,,the ,,girl3 7,a glad smile gradually coming over her face47 ,o-h-h6 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,but how did you come to have my letter written to ,genevieve8 ,,the ,,girl3 ,oh1 don't you understand8 7,she looks at him beseechingly47 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,the truth suddenly striking him47 ,oh-h-h-6 ,i see6 ,you got caught in the shower1 too4 ,you borrowed that tailor-made suit from ,genevieve4 ,,the ,,girl3 ,can you doubt it8 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,but the cigarettes8 ,,the ,,girl3 ,i can't account for them4 ,i only know-- ,,the ,,fellow3 ,never mind4 ,i don't care4 7,he stuffs the cigarettes into his own pocket and grasps both of her hands in his own47 ,tell me--you don't think ,i'm the biggest liar in the world1 do you8 ,,the ,,girl3 7,archly47 ,no--not quite4 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,slipping his arm around her47 ,and if you were married--to--to a fellow like me1 you'd make him an awfully good wife1 wouldn't you8 ,,the ,,girl3 7,laughing474 ,no--,i'd try to make ,,him a good husband4 7,he bends over and is just about to kiss her when a ,,man',s ,,voice is heard off stage to the ,right47 ,,man',s ,,voice3 7,off stage47 ,hey1 there1 ,miss--your trunk has come4 7,,the ,,fellow and ,,the ,,girl spring apart1 guiltily47 ,,the ,,fellow3 7,bitterly47 ,just when ,i had it all cinched4 7,,the ,,girl runs to the bench1 picks up her parasol1 still laughing47 ,,the ,,girl3 ,it's the wagon from the railroad station1 with my clothes from town4 ,good-bye4 7,she starts off1 ,right47 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,but you're coming back again8 ,,the ,,girl3 ,well--maybe--perhaps--,if you're good4 7,she exits laughing47 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,she's got me going4 ,my head's in a muddle1 and ,i feel like a sailor full of horn-pipes4 ,and that reminds me of ,tommy ,higgins' latest song4 ,it goes like this3 7,here is introduced comic song4 ,at finish ,,the ,,girl comes running on from ,right1 dressed in a pretty summer dress1 and carrying another pretty silk parasol4 ,,the ,,fellow takes his hat off and holding it high over his head1 exclaims37 ,here comes the rainbow after the shower6 ,,the ,,girl3 ,i must explain to you--,i saw ,genevieve--the cigarettes belong to her brother1 ,jack4 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,and ,i've just found out what belongs to me4 ,,the ,,girl3 ,what8 ,,the ,,fellow3 ,you6 7,he takes her parasol1 opens it1 and holds it in front of them for an instant so that their faces are hidden from audience4 ,this is music cue for the ,conversation ,number which brings the sketch to a finish47 ,,the ,,villain ,,still ,,pursued ,,her ,a ,,travesty ,by ,arthur ,denvir ,author of ,busy ,isabel1 ,how ,ignatius ,got ,pneumonia1 ,when ,wit ,won1 ,the ,war ,correspondent1 ,etc41 ,etc4 ,,the ,,villain ,,still ,,pursued ,,her ,,characters ,,gladys ,,dressuitcase 4 4 4 4 4 ,a ,deserted ,wife ,,alphonso ,,dressuitcase 4 4 4 4 ,her ,dying ,che-ild ,,moe ,,reiss ,,dressuitcase4 4 4 4 ,her ,fugitive ,husband ,,birdie ,,bedslatz 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,her ,doll-faced ,rival ,,algernon ,o',,flaherty 4 4 4 4 4 ,the ,villain ,who ,pursued ,her ,,scene ,,of ,,prologue ,,street ,,in ,,one4 4 4 ,,lights ,,out ,music3 ,mendelssohn's ,spring ,song1 ,played in discords4 ,spot ,light on ,l4 ,i4 ,,prologue ,enter ,,gladys wearing linen duster and dragging a big rope to which is attached a case of beer with about eight empty bottles in it4 ,she stops ,c4 ,,gladys3 7,tearfully47 ,at last ,i am almost home4 ,eleven miles walk from the sweat shop here1 and that's some hoofing it1 believe me4 7,sways47 ,oh1 ,i am faint 7,looks over shoulder at beer case471 faint for the want of my ,coca-,cola4 7,enter ,,algernon ,r4 ,i--wears slouch hat1 heavy moustache1 red shirt and high boots4 ,she is facing ,l47 ,oh1 ,i have a hunch ,i'm being shadowed--flagged by a track-walker6 ,but ,i mustn't think of that4 7,starts to drag case ,l47 ,i must get home to my dying child4 ,he needs me--he needs me4 7,exits ,l4 ,i47 ,,algernon3 7,goes ,l4 ,c4 and looks after her47 ,it is ,gladys--found at last6 7,enter ,,birdie ,l4 ,i4 ,she is in bright red with white plumes and is a beautiful1 radiant adventuress4 7 ,,birdie3 ,did you get a good look at her8 ,,algernon3 ,yes--it's ,gladys and she's down and out--7,both together37 ,curse her6 ,,algernon3 ,now ,i can begin pursuing her again4 ,,birdie3 ,yes1 and ,i can gloat over her misery--and gloating's the best thing ,i do4 ,,algernon3 ,come 7fiercely67 ,we are wasting time4 ,,birdie3 ,she'll never know me with this dark hair and no make-up on4 ,,algernon3 7,at ,l4 ,i--still more fiercely47 ,can that junk6 ,come6 7,exits ,l4 ,i47 ,,birdie3 7,going to ,l4 ,i47 ,he has me in his power4 ,i must follow him4 ,curse him6 7,exits after ,,algernon4 ,enter ,,moe ,,reiss in bum evening-clothes and opera hat4 ,carries cane47 ,,moe ,,reiss3 7,reading from back of envelope47 ,down this street and turn into the alley full of ash cans6 ,i'm on the right track at last4 ,once more ,i shall see my wife and my little boy6 ,of course1 she'll be sore because ,i ran away and deserted her1 leaving her no alimony except the dying che-ild4 ,but ,i must produce a real wife and child from somewhere or ,i'll lose the #i4ge my uncle left me4 7,goes ,l4 musingly47 ,why do ,i love money so8 ,ay1 that's the question4 7,looking up at gallery47 ,and what's the answer8 7,points off ,l4 with cane--dramatically47 ,we shall see--we shall see4 7,dashes off ,l47 ,the lights go out1 and the ,drop in ,one takes all the time that the clock strikes sixteen or seventeen to go up1 so it is timed very slowly4 ,,full ,,stage ,,scene ,,the ,,wretched ,,home ,,of ,,gladys ,a ,mott ,street ,garret--everything of the poorest description4 ,old table down stage ,r41 with chair on either side and waste paper basket in front4 ,cot bed down stage ,l4 ,old cupboard up stage ,c4 ,small stand at head of cot4 ,,phonsie lies in cot1 head up stage1 covered up4 ,he should weigh over two hundred pounds4 ,he wears ,buster ,brown wig and nightie that buttons up the back4 ,,gladys is seated at table d4 s4 ,r41 sewing on a tiny handkerchief4 ,she is magnificently dressed and wears all the jewelry she can carry4 ,pile of handkerchiefs at back of table within reach and a waste basket in front of table where she can throw handkerchiefs when used4 ,as curtain rises1 the clock off stage slowly strikes for the sixteenth or seventeenth time4 ,,gladys3 ,five o'clock and my sewing still unfinished4 ,oh1 it must be done to-night4 ,there's the rent--six dollars4 ,to-day is ,friday--bargain day--,i wonder if the landlord would take four ninety-eight4 7,business4 ,,phonsie snores47 ,and my child needs more medicine4 ,the dog biscuits haven't helped him a bit1 and his stomach is too weak to digest the skin foods4 7,wood crash off stage47 ,how restless he is1 poor little tot6666 ,fatherless and deserted1 sick and emaciated--eight years have ,i passed in this wretched place1 hopeless1 hapless1 hipless4 ,at times the struggle seems more than ,i can bear1 but ,i must be brave for my child1 my little one4 7,buries face in hands47 7,business4 ,sews47 ,,phonsie3 7,business47 ,mommer6 ,mommer6 ,are you there8 7,blows pea blower at her47 ,,gladys3 7,hand to cheek where he hit her47 ,yes1 dolling1 mommer is here4 ,,phonsie3 ,say1 mommer1 am ,i dying8 7,loud and toughly47 ,,gladys3 7,sadly47 ,i am afraid not1 my treasure4 ,,phonsie3 ,why not1 mommer8 ,,gladys3 ,you are too great a pest to die1 sweetheart4 ,,phonsie3 ,but the good always die young1 don't they1 mommer8 ,,gladys3 7,still sewing47 ,but you were not speaking about the good--you were speaking of yourself1 my precious4 ,,phonsie3 ,ain't ,i good1 mommer1 don't you think8 ,,gladys3 7,business47 ,oh1 ,i don't dare to think6666 7,moves up stage47 ,,phonsie3 ,don't think if it hurts you1 mommer4 ,,gladys3 7,at dresser47 ,but come1 it is time for your medicine4 7,shows enormous pill47 ,,phonsie3 7,scared47 ,what is that1 mommer8 ,,gladys3 ,just a horse pill1 baby4 7,puts it in his mouth47 ,there1 that will help cure mother's little man4 7,at table47 ,,phonsie3 ,gee6 ,that tasted fierce4 7,business4 ,knock47 ,some one is knocking1 mommer4 ,,gladys3 ,they're always knocking mommer4 7,at door47 ,,voice3 ,have yez th' rint8 ,,gladys3 ,i haven't4 ,,voice3 ,much obliged4 ,,gladys3 ,you're welcome4 ,,phonsie3 ,who was that1 mommer8 ,,gladys3 ,that was only the landlord for the rent4 ,alas1 ,i cannot raise it4 ,,phonsie3 ,then if you can't raise the rent1 raise me1 mommer4 ,can't ,i have the spot-light to die with8 ,,gladys3 ,why certainly you shall have one4 ,mr4 ,electrician1 will you kindly give my dying child a spot-light8 7,business47 ,there1 dearest1 there's your spot-light4 ,,phonsie3 7,laughs47 ,oh1 that's fine4 ,mommer1 can ,i have visions8 ,,gladys3 ,why surely1 dear1 you can have all the visions you want4 7,shoves opium pipe in his mouth and lights it47 ,now tell mommer what you see1 baby6 ,,phonsie3 ,oh1 mommer1 ,i see awful things4 ,i can see the ,gerry society pinching me4 ,and oh1 mommer1 ,i can see ,new ,york1 #a and there ain't a gambling house in the town4 #a ,substitute name of any big city4 ,,gladys3 ,he's blind6666 ,my child's gone blind6666 7,,phonsie snores47 ,he sleeps at last1 my child1 my little dying child6666 7,enter ,,algernon and ,,birdie47 ,,gladys3 7,discovers ,,algernon47 ,you6666 7,,algernon turns to ,orchestra and conducts ,chord with cane47 7,,gladys ,left1 ,,algernon ,c41 ,,birdie ,r47 ,,algernon3 7,chord47 ,yes1 ,gladys ,dressuitcase1 once more we meet66666 ,,gladys3 ,and the lady with the ,brooklyn #a gown66 ,ah1 you will start1 but ,i know you in spite of your disguise1 ,birdie ,bedslatz4 #a ,substitute name of the local gag town4 ,,birdie3 ,disguise6 ,what disguise8 ,,gladys3 ,woman1 you cannot deceive me4 ,you've been to the dry-dock and had your face scraped4 ,,birdie3 ,so1 you still want war8 ,,gladys3 ,no1 ,i want justice6666 7,,algernon conducts ,chord47 ,you have tracked me like sleuthhounds4 ,you have hunted me down after all these years4 ,you have robbed me of home1 husband1 honor and friends4 ,what then is left me8 7,l47 ,,birdie3 7,menacingly47 ,there is always the river4 ,,gladys3 ,what1 you dare suggest that1 you with your past6 ,,birdie3 ,how dare you mention that to me6 ,i am now writing ,sunday stories for the ,new ,york ,american4 #b 7,crosses to left and sits47 #b ,substitute name of the local sensational newspaper4 ,,gladys3 7,stunned47 ,sophie ,lyons1 now ,i see it all4 ,,algernon3 7,center47 ,i have here a mortgage4 ,,gladys3 ,a mortgage6666 ,what is it on8 ,,algernon3 ,i don't know4 ,what difference does that make8 ,it is a mortgage4 ,that's all that's necessary4 ,,gladys3 ,can it be a mortgage on the old farm8 ,,algernon3 7,moves over to ,r47 ,certainly1 on the old farm6666 ,the dear old homestead in ,new ,hampshire4 7,takes paper from pocket4 ,crosses over to ,,gladys47 ,i have also the paper that always goes with the mortgage4 ,sign this paper and the mortgage shall be yours1 refuse--and--do you mind my coming closer so that ,i can hiss this in your ear8 ,,gladys3 ,not at all1 come right over4 ,,algernon3 7,close to ,,gladys47 ,refuse 7,hiss71 ,i say1 and you and your child shall be thrown into the streets to starve4 7,hiss47 ,,gladys3 7,crosses ,r47 ,oh1 ,i must have time to drink--,i mean think4 ,but this is infamous4 ,the landlord will-- ,,algernon3 ,i am the landlord4 ,now will you sign the papers8 ,,gladys3 ,no1 a thousand times no66666 7,chord47 7,,algernon conducts ,chord47 ,no6666 ,,birdie3 7,hand to ear47 ,good gracious1 don't scream so1 where do you think you are8 ,,algernon3 ,you won't sign8 ,,gladys3 ,no1 do your worst1 throw me into the street with my child4 ,he is sick1 dying6666 ,,algernon3 ,what's the matter with him8 7,goes to bed47 7,,phonsie is heaving and whistling47 ,great heavens1 he has the heaves4 7,goes ,r47 ,,birdie3 ,what are you doing for him8 ,,gladys3 ,trying the hot air treatment4 ,,birdie3 ,i should think you would be expert at that4 ,,gladys3 ,the doctor says he has grey matter in his brain4 ,,birdie3 7,comes down ,l47 ,i am sorry1 very sorry4 ,,algernon3 ,sorry6 ,bah1 this is a cheap play for sympathy6 7,to ,,gladys37 ,will you sign the papers8 ,,gladys3 ,never1 ,i defy you3 7,to ,,birdie47 ,as for you1 beautiful fiend that you are1 you came between me and my husband2 you stole him from me with your dog-faced beauty2 ,i mean doll-faced4 ,but ,i can see your finish1 ,i can see you taking poison in about fifteen minutes4 ,,birdie3 7,over to ,,algernon47 ,put me wise1 is this true8 ,,algernon3 ,no1 'tis false1 false as hell66666 7,points up47 ,,gladys3 ,it's true1 as true as heaven4 7,points down47 ,i swear it4 ,,algernon3 7,crosses up to ,,gladys47 ,why1 curse you1 ,i'll-- ,,gladys3 7,with pistol47 ,stand back66666 ,i'm a desperate woman66666 ,,algernon3 7,center47 ,foiled1 curse the luck1 foiled by a mere slip of a girl4 ,,birdie3 ,what's to be done8 ,,algernon3 7,yells47 ,silence6666 7,business47 ,once aboard the lugger the girl must and shall be mine6666 ,,birdie3 ,but how do you propose to lug her there8 7,,algernon moves up to door47 ,,gladys3 ,oh1 ,i see it all4 ,you have brought this she-devil here to work off her bad gags on me4 ,man1 have you no heart8 ,,algernon3 7,comes down ,c47 ,of course ,i have a heart4 ,i have also eyes1 ears1 nose1 tongue and-- ,,birdie3 ,brains1 calves' brains--breaded4 ,,algernon3 ,that will be about all from you4 ,go1 leave us6 ,,birdie3 ,alone8 ,,algernon3 ,alone6 ,,gladys3 ,alone6 ,,phonsie3 7,in sepulchral tone47 ,oh1 ,gee6 ,,birdie3 ,but it's hardly decent4 ,you need a tamer4 ,,algernon3 ,go6 7,crosses to ,r47 ,go1 ,i say1 before it is too late4 ,,birdie3 ,oh1 there's no hurry4 ,every place is open4 ,,algernon3 ,don't sass me1 ,birdie ,bedslatz1 but clear out1 scat6666 ,,birdie3 ,ain't he the awful scamp8 7,starts to door47 ,,gladys3 7,clinging to her47 ,no1 you cannot1 must not go4 ,don't leave me alone with that piano mover4 ,,birdie3 ,i must go4 ,i have poison to buy4 7,at door47 ,ah1 ,algernon ,o',flaherty1 if there was more men in the world like you1 there'd be less women like me--,i just love to say that4 ,ta--ta4 7,,phonsie blows pea-shooter at her as she ,exits4 ,she screams and grabs cheek47 ,,algernon3 7,to ,,gladys back47 ,so1 proud beauty1 at last we are alone6 ,,gladys3 ,inhuman monster666 ,what new villainy do you propose8 ,,algernon3 ,none1 it's all old stuff4 ,listen1 ,gladys4 ,when ,i see you again1 all the old love revives and ,i grow mad1 mad4 ,,gladys3 ,you dare to speak of love to me8 ,why1 from the first moment ,i saw you1 ,i despised you4 ,and now ,i tell you to your face that ,i hate and loathe you1 for the vile1 contemptible wretch that you are4 ,,algernon3 7,center47 ,be careful1 girl6 ,i can give you wealth1 money1 jewels--jewels fit for a king's ransom4 ,,gladys3 7,runs into his arms47 ,oh1 you can--,where are they8 ,,algernon3 ,they are in hock for the moment1 but see1 here are the tickets4 ,i shall get them out1 anon4 ,,gladys3 ,dastardly wretch66666 ,with your pawn tickets to try and cop out a poor sewing girl4 7,up at door47 ,there is the door1 go6 7,points other way47 ,,algernon3 7,up to her47 ,why curse you1 ,i'll-- ,,gladys3 ,strike1 you coward6 7,chord47 7,,algernon conducts ,chord47 ,,algernon3 ,coward6666 7,he conducts same ,chord an ,octave higher47 ,,gladys3 ,yes1 coward4 4 4 4 ,now go1 and never cross this threshold again66 ,,algernon3 7,going up stage47 ,so1 ,i'm fired with the threshold gag8 ,very well1 ,i go1 but ,i shall return4 4 4 4 ,i shall return6 7,exits47 ,,phonsie3 7,blows pea-blower after him47 ,who was that big stiff1 mommer1 the instalment man8 ,,gladys3 ,no1 darling1 he is the floor-walker in a slaughter house4 ,,phonsie3 ,mommer1 when do ,i eat8 ,,gladys3 ,alas1 we cannot buy food1 we are penniless4 ,,phonsie3 ,if you would only put your jewels in soak1 mommer4 ,,gladys3 ,what1 hock me sparks8 ,never6 ,i may starve1 yes1 but ,i'll starve like a lady in all my finery6 ,,phonsie3 ,mommer1 ,i want to eat4 ,,gladys3 ,what shall ,i do8 ,my child hungry1 dying1 without even the price of a shave6 ,oh1 my heart is like my brother on the railroad1 breaking--breaking--breaking--7,weeps47 ,,phonsie3 ,ah1 don't cry1 mommer4 ,you'll have the whole place damp4 ,you keep on sewing and ,i'll keep on dying4 ,,gladys3 ,very well4 7,drying eyes47 ,but first ,i'll go out and get a can of beer4 ,thank goodness1 we always have beer money4 ,,phonsie3 ,oh yes1 mommer1 do rush the growler4 ,me coppers is toastin'4 ,and don't forget your misery cape and the music that goes with you1 will you1 mommer8 ,,gladys3 ,i'll get those4 ,,phonsie3 ,and you'd better take some handkerchiefs4 ,you may want to cry4 ,but don't cry in the beer1 mommer1 it makes it flat4 ,,gladys3 ,thank you1 baby1 ,i do love to weep4 ,oh1 if we only had a blizzard1 ,i'd take you out in your nightie4 ,but wait1 sweetheart1 wait till it goes below zero4 ,then you shall go out with mommer1 bare-footed4 ,,phonsie3 ,don't stand chewing the rag with the bartender1 will you1 mommer8 ,,gladys3 ,only till he puts a second head on the beer4 7,exit ,r47 ,,phonsie3 ,gee1 it's fierce to be a stage child and dying4 ,i wonder where my popper is8 ,i want my popper--,i want my popper4 7,bawls47 ,,moe ,,reiss3 7,enters47 ,why1 what is the matter1 my little man8 ,,phonsie3 ,oh1 ,i'm so lonely1 ,i want my popper4 ,,moe ,,reiss3 ,and where is your popper8 ,,phonsie3 ,mommer says he is in ,philadelphia4 7,sniffles47 ,,moe ,,reiss3 7,lifts hat reverently47 ,dead1 and his child doesn't know4 ,and where is your mama8 ,,phonsie3 ,oh1 she's went out to chase the can4 ,,moe ,,reiss3 ,and what is your name1 my little man8 ,,phonsie3 ,alphonso4 ,ain't that practically the limit8 ,,moe ,,reiss3 ,alphonso8 ,i once had a little boy named ,alphonso1 who might have been about your age4 ,,phonsie3 ,and what prevented him8 ,,moe ,,reiss3 7,sighs47 ,alas1 ,i lost him6 ,,phonsie3 ,that was awful careless of you4 ,you oughtn't to have took him out without his chain4 7,sniffs47 ,,moe ,,reiss3 ,what's the matter with your nose8 ,,phonsie3 ,i have the glanders--and the heaves4 ,i get all the horse diseases4 ,father was a race track tout4 ,,moe ,,reiss3 ,a race track tout8 ,what is your last name8 ,,phonsie3 ,dressuitcase1 ,alphonso ,dressuitcase4 ,,moe ,,reiss3 ,dressuitcase8 ,and have you heavy shingle marks on your person1 great blue welts8 ,,phonsie3 ,you bet ,i have1 and my popper put them there1 too4 ,,moe ,,reiss3 ,why1 it's my boy1 ,phonsie1 my little ,phonsie4 ,don't you know me8 ,it's popper4 7,slams him in face hard with open hand47 ,,phonsie3 ,well1 your style is familiar1 but you don't need to show off6 ,,gladys3 7,enters4 ,carrying ,growler carefully47 ,moe6 ,moe6 ,my husband6 7,buries face in can47 ,,moe ,,reiss3 ,gladys6 ,gladys6 ,my wife6 7,takes can from ,,gladys47 ,,phonsie3 7,comes between them47 ,here1 ,i want to have my fever reduced4 7,back to bed47 ,,gladys3 ,where have you been all these years1 ,moe8 ,,moe ,,reiss3 ,just bumming around1 just bumming around4 ,when ,i deserted you and copped out ,birdie ,bedslatz1 ,i went from bad to worse1 from ,jersey ,city to ,hoboken4 #a ,when my senses returned1 ,i was insane4 #a ,local4 ,,gladys3 ,my poor husband1 how you must have suffered6 ,,moe ,,reiss3 ,at heart1 ,i was always true to you and our little boy1 and ,i want to come back home4 ,,gladys3 ,but tell me1 ,moe1 how are you fixed8 7,tries to feel his vest pocket47 ,,moe ,,reiss3 ,fine1 ,i am running a swell gambling joint4 ,,gladys3 ,splendid6 ,now1 ,phonsie shall have proper nourishment4 ,,moe ,,reiss3 ,he shall have all the food he can eat4 7,up to bed47 ,,gladys3 ,yes1 and all the beer he can drink4 ,,moe ,,reiss3 ,great heavens1 ,i could never pay for that4 ,,gladys3 ,ah1 then he will have to cut out his souse4 ,dear little chap2 he loved to get tanked up4 ,oh look at him1 ,moe1 he is the living image of you4 ,i think if he lives1 he will be a great bull fighter4 7,,phonsie has finished the beer1 and is sucking at a nipple on large bottle marked ,pure ,rye47 ,,moe ,,reiss3 ,then he does take after me--dear little chap4 7,hits him47 ,,gladys3 ,indeed he does4 ,but is it safe for you to come here1 ,moe8 ,,moe ,,reiss3 ,not with ,whitman #a on my trail4 ,you know1 ,gladys1 in the eyes of the world1 ,i am guilty4 #a ,local ,district ,attorney4 ,,gladys3 ,then the world lies4 7,chord4 ,,algernon comes on from ,r4 ,i and conducts and then ,exits47 ,i still trust you1 my husband1 though the police want you for stealing moth balls4 7,crash off47 ,what's that8 7,runs to door47 ,oh1 it's the health department4 ,they have come with the garbage wagon to arrest you4 ,quick1 in there4 7,points to door ,r47 ,,moe ,,reiss3 ,no1 let them come4 ,i am here to see my wife and here ,i shall remain4 ,,gladys3 ,but for our child's sake4 ,see1 he holds up his little hands and pleads for you to go4 7,,phonsie in pugilistic attitude47 ,,phonsie3 ,say1 pop1 if you don't get a wiggle on and duck in there1 there'll be something doing4 7,business47 ,,moe ,,reiss3 ,my boy1 ,i can refuse you nothing4 7,exits47 ,,gladys3 7,at door ,c47 ,they are sneaking up1 on rubbers6 7,to ,,phonsie47 ,lie down1 ,fido4 7,guarding door ,r4 ,enter ,,algernon and ,,birdie1 ,door ,c47 ,,algernon3 ,there's some hellish mystery here6 ,,birdie3 ,you can search me4 ,,algernon3 7,sees ,,gladys47 ,aha6 ,now will you sign those papers8 ,,gladys3 ,never4 7,bus47 ,i'll sign nothing4 7,down ,r47 ,,algernon3 7,takes carrot from his hip pocket47 ,you won't8 ,there1 curse you1 take that4 7,hits her in neck with carrot47 ,,gladys3 ,in the neck6 ,in the neck1 where ,i always get it6 ,,algernon3 7,center47 ,quick1 ,birdie1 seize the child and run4 ,,birdie3 7,left1 looks scornfully at ,,phonsie47 ,you've got your nerve4 ,he weighs a ton66 ,,phonsie3 ,oh6 ,she's going to kidnap me66 ,assistance66 ,,algernon3 ,silence66 ,enough66 7,to ,,gladys47 ,i have just come from the ,society for the ,prevention of ,cruelty to ,animals4 ,,gladys3 ,well8 ,,algernon3 ,i have reported to them that your child has the heaves4 ,,gladys3 ,well8 ,,algernon3 ,the ,society is sending a horse ambulance to take him to the dump4 ,,gladys3 ,dump8 ,to the dump8666 ,no1 no1 it's a cruel1 hideous jest6 ,take away my little dying boy8 ,it would kill him1 you understand1 it would kill him66 ,,phonsie3 7,toughly47 ,sure1 it would kill me66 7,bites off big chew of ,tobacco47 ,,algernon3 ,nevertheless1 in five minutes the horse ambulance will be here4 ,,gladys3 ,oh no6 no6 no6 ,what if my child should die8 ,,algernon3 ,then they will make glue out of his carcass4 ,,gladys3 ,glue4 ,aw6 7,shakes snow on herself from box hanging over the table ,l47 ,,phonsie3 ,i don't want to be no glue1 mommer1 ,i'd be all stuck up4 ,,gladys3 7,goes ,c4 to ,,phonsie47 ,why this fiendish plot8 ,what have ,i done that you thus pursue me8 ,,algernon3 7,r4 ,c47 ,you repulsed my hellish caresses4 ,,gladys3 ,oh1 ,i will do anything to save my child4 ,i'll try to love you4 4 4 4 ,i will love6 ,see8 7,business47 7,into his arms47 ,i love you now6 ,,moe ,,reiss3 7,enter1 center47 ,what's this8 ,my wife in that man's arms8 ,oh6 7,crosses ,l47 ,,gladys3 7,at right1 to ,,moe ,,reiss47 ,oh1 ,moe1 ,i can explain4 7,grabs his throat and shakes him47 ,,moe ,,reiss3 7,to ,,gladys47 ,explain666 ,how8 ,i go away and desert you for eight years4 7,turns from her and goes ,l47 ,in that short absence you forget your husband4 7,turns to her47 ,i return to find you in his arms1 before my very nose4 7,smashes ,,phonsie in face47 7,business47 7,he sees ,,birdie47 ,you1 ,birdie6 ,,birdie3 ,yes1 ,i1 little ,birdie--,birdie on the spot4 ,,moe ,,reiss3 ,ah1 you she-fiend1 you lady demon6 7,kisses her47 ,,gladys3 7,screams47 ,no1 no6 7,runs to him47 ,it's all a plot6 ,a hideous plot to part us6 ,this man has complained to the ,s4 ,p4 ,c4 ,a4 that our little ,phonsie has the heaves4 ,they are sending a horse ambulance to take him to the dump6 ,they'll make glue out of his carcass6 7,to ,,algernon47 ,you see what you have done6 7,beats him on back47 ,tell my husband1 you devil1 tell him the truth666 ,,algernon3 7,to ,,moe ,,reiss7 7,c47 ,well1 if you must know the truth1 your wife loves me and was forcing her caresses upon me when you entered4 ,,moe ,,reiss3 ,it's true then1 it's true8 ,,phonsie3 7,sits up47 ,no1 popper1 it's false1 and ,i can prove it4 ,,algernon3 ,the child is delirious from the heaves6 ,,phonsie3 ,i'll heave you out of here in a minute4 ,listen1 popper1 mommer's done the best she could4 ,it ain't easy to nurse a dying child who is liable to croak at any moment4 ,but she's done that1 popper1 she's often went without her dill pickle so ,i could have my spavin cure4 ,she thought ,i might get well and strong and maybe get a job as a safe mover4 ,but ,i've been so busy dying ,i couldn't go to work4 7,shakes fist at ,,algernon47 ,don't believe that man1 popper2 ,i'm dying1 cross my heart if ,i ain't dying1 so ,i couldn't tell a lie4 7,back to bed47 ,,moe ,,reiss3 ,oh1 my boy6 ,my boy6 7heart-brokenly47 7,hits ,,phonsie47 ,,gladys3 ,dh1 ,moe ,reiss1 don't you believe him8 ,,algernon3 7,left of ,c47 ,of course not1 he saw you with your arms around my neck4 ,,moe ,,reiss3 ,yes1 ,i saw it1 ,i seen it4 ,,birdie3 ,i can swear to it1 if necessary4 ,,phonsie3 ,i can swear too1 popper1 want to hear me8 ,,moe ,,reiss3 ,no1 ,i have heard enough4 ,now ,i intend to act4 7,throws off coat1 ,l47 ,,algernon3 ,what do you mean8 ,,moe ,,reiss3 ,i mean that either you or ,i will never leave this place alive4 ,for ,i tell you plainly1 as sure as there is a poker game above us1 ,i mean to kill you6 ,,algernon3 7,throws off coat and hat47 ,well1 if it's a roughhouse you're looking for1 ,i'm right there with the goods4 7,struggle47 ,,phonsie3 ,give him an upper cut1 popper1 soak him666 ,,birdie3 ,knife him1 ,algernon1 knife him6 7,has out her hat pin47 7,during struggle1 ,,phonsie shoots three times47 7,as they struggle to window1 ,,algernon turns back1 and ,,phonsie sees after third shot his vest is a target and fires three times4 ,bell on each shot47 ,curse you1 you've got me4 ,here are your three cigars4 7,falls dead1 ,c47 ,,moe ,,reiss3 7,kneels and feels heart47 ,dead666 ,who could have done this8 ,,phonsie3 ,father1 ,i cannot tell a lie1 ,i done it with my little hatchet4 7,shows big gun and a picture of ,george ,washington4 ,all the others lift ,american flags and wave them47 7,,phonsie ,l4 waving flag1 ,,moe and ,,gladys ,c4 ,,birdie dead in chair ,r47 ,,star ,,spangled ,,banner1 ,,ff1 ,,as ,,curtain ,,falls ,,the ,,lollard ,a ,,satirical ,,comedy ,,by ,,edgar ,,allan ,,woolf ,author of ,youth1 ,little ,mother1 ,mon ,desir1 ,the ,locks at ,panama1 ,lady ,gossip1 ,etc41 ,etc4 ,,the ,,lollard ,,characters ,,angela ,,maxwell ,,harry ,,maxwell ,,fred ,,saltus ,,miss ,,carey ,,scene3 ,the apartment of ,miss ,carey1 a hardworking modiste about #de years of age1 rather sharp in manner1 very prudish and a hater of men4 ,,time3 ,about #b ,a4,m4 ,when the curtain rises1 the stage is dark4 ,first1 feminine snores are heard1 then a sharp ringing of bell4 ,then ,,miss ,,carey from her bed in next room 7curtained off1 but partly visible7 calls out3 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,who is it8 ,,voice3 7,off stage47 ,it's me4 ,open6 ,,miss ,,carey3 7,poking her night-capped head out of curtains47 ,well1 who are you8 ,,voice3 7,off stage47 ,you don't know me4 ,but that's all right4 ,please let me in--hurry6 ,hurry6 ,,miss ,,carey3 7,rising and getting into a kimono47 ,well--whoever you are--what do you mean by waking me at two in the morning8 ,i'll report this to the janitor4 7,she turns up light and opens door4 ,,angela ,,maxwell rushes in--in fluffy peignoir--her hair in pretty disorder--her hands full of wearing apparel1 etc41 as if she just snatched same up in haste4 ,an opera coat1 a pair of slippers1 etc47 ,,angela3 7,rushing in--closing door after her and silencing ,,miss ,,carey by the mysterious way she seizes her by the wrist47 ,listen1 you don't know me1 but ,i've just left my husband4 ,,miss ,,carey3 7,sharply47 ,well1 that's no reason why ,i should leave my bed4 ,,angela3 7,reassuringly47 ,you can go right back again1 dear--in fact1 ,i'll go with you and we'll talk it over there4 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,i don't wish to talk it over anywhere1 and-- ,,angela3 ,well1 surely1 you don't think it was wrong of me to leave ,harry--now do you8 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,i never blame any woman for leaving any man4 ,,angela3 ,see1 ,i knew it4 ,after ,i fired the ,wedgewood vase at him--and just for doing it he was brute enough to call me ,vixen1-- ,i snatched up as much as ,i could that was worth taking1 and left him forever4 7,suddenly1 as she sees dress on model47 ,oh1 what a lovely little frock4 7,back to other tone47 ,yes1 forever2 and it was only when ,i stood out in the cold hall that ,i realized it would have been better to have left him forever when ,i was all dressed in the morning4 7,beginning to shiver and weep47 ,take my advice1 dear1 if you ever leave your husband1 never do it on a cold night4 ,,miss ,,carey3 7,sharply47 ,i'm not married4 ,,angela3 7,weeping copiously and shivering47 ,well1 then1 you needn't bother1 dear1 about the weather1 'cause you never will be married4 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,no1 ,i never will--catch me selling my freedom to any selfish brute of a man4 ,,angela3 7,as before47 ,see1 ,i knew it4 ,i said to myself1 that little lady on the second floor who makes dresses with a long1 thin nose-- ,,miss ,,carey3 7,outraged47 ,makes dresses with a long1 thin nose8 ,,angela3 ,yes--she's the only one in the whole apartment house ,i can go to--she's the only one won't give ,harry right4 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,no man is ever right4 ,,angela3 ,i'm commencing to believe all men are brutes4 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,of course they are4 7,commencing to thaw47 ,have a cup of tea4 7,she goes to table to prepare tea things47 ,,angela3 ,thanks--,i brought my own tea with me4 7,takes a little paper bag of tea out of one of the slippers and crosses to ,,miss ,,carey47 ,if ,i had struck him with the vase1 ,i could understand his calling me ,vixen 7,beginning to weep again47--but ,i only flung it at him1 'cause ,i cracked it by accident in the morning1 and ,i didn't want him to find it out4 ,he was always calling me butter-fingers4 7,sits at opposite side of table47 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,oh1 he was always calling you names4 ,,angela3 ,no1 that's all he ever called me--,butter-fingers4 7,cries again47 ,,miss ,,carey3 7,pouring tea47 ,oh1 he's the kind that just loves to stay home and nag4 ,,angela3 ,i'd like to catch any husband ,i ever get1 nag4 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,oh1 a pouter--,i know that kind4 ,,angela3 ,oh1 no4 ,why1 every time ,i insulted him he kissed me--the brute4 7,after a second's pause47 ,but--excuse me--how do you know so many kinds of men if you've never been married8 ,,miss ,,carey3 7,quickly47 ,boarders--to make ends meet1 ,i've always had to have a male boarder since ,i was left an orphan4 7,she rises--turns her back to audience--gives a touch to her pigtail1 during the laugh to this line4 ,this business always builds laugh47 ,,angela3 7,absent-mindedly47 ,well1 ,i've heard that male boarders are very nice4 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,i've never had a nice one yet1 but ,i've named nearly all the style male brutes there are4 ,what kind of a brute have you8 7,she sips tea47 ,,angela3 ,why1 ,i don't know--,i've often wondered--you might call ,harry a lollard4 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,a lollard8 ,,angela3 ,yes1 ,i invented the word1 and believe me1 a woman suffers with a lollard4 7,at this1 ,,miss ,,carey lets her spoon fall in cup47 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,i should think she would4 ,how did a sweet young thing like you ever meet such a type of a vertebrate8 ,,angela3 ,at a military ball1 and oh ,mrs4-- ,,miss ,,carey3 ,miss ,carey4 ,,angela3 ,miss ,carey--he was the handsomest specimen4 ,his hair looked so spick--his shoulders were so big and broad--his teeth so white--and his skin1 well1 ,miss ,carey1 if you'd seen him1 ,i'll bet you'd have just gone crazy to kiss him yourself4 7,,miss ,,carey1 who is drinking tea1 nearly chokes on this--coughing on the tea which goes down the wrong way47 ,,miss ,,carey3 7,after the business47 ,how did he lose his looks8 ,,angela3 ,by becoming a lollard4 ,listen6 7,they pull chairs in front of table together1 teacups in hand47 ,it happened on the honeymoon-- on the train--as we sat hand in hand1 when all at once1 the wind through the window1 started to blow his hair the wrong way1 and oh1 ,miss ,carey1 what do you think ,i discovered8 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,he had been branded on the head as a criminal4 ,,angela3 ,oh nothing so pleasant as that--but the hair that ,i thought grew so lovely and plentifully1 had been coaxed by a wet brush from the back over the front1 and from the east over to the west4 7,indicates by imitating action on her own head47 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,oh1 a lollard is a disappointment of the hair4 ,,angela3 ,no1 ,miss ,carey1 no4 ,listen4 ,i said1 ,oh1 ,harry1 your hair which ,i thought grew so evenly and plentifully all over your head really only grows in patches4 ,he only answered1 ,yes1 and now that we're married1 ,angela1 ,i don't have to fool you by brushing it fancy anymore4 ,in despair1 ,i moaned ,yes1 ,harry--fool me--go on love1 fool me and brush it fancy4 ,,miss ,,carey2 7,rising and crossing ,r47 ,that was your first mistake4 ,no woman should ever call any man love4 ,,angela3 ,oh1 ,i didn't know what ,i said--,i was so busy the whole journey pulling his hair from the back to the front and the east to the west 7,same business of illustrating47--and then1 oh ,miss ,carey1 what do you think was the next thing ,i discovered8 ,,miss ,,carey3 7,in horror47 ,his teeth only grew in patches4 ,,angela3 ,no1 but ,i had fallen in love with a pair of tailor's shoulder-pads--yes--when he took off his coat that night1 he shrunk so1 ,i screamed 7,pause--as laugh comes here47--thinking ,i was in a room with a strange man--but all he muttered was ,angie1 ,i can loll about in easy things now1 ,i'm married--and that's how gradually his refined feet began to look like canal-boats--his skin only looked kissable the days he shaved--twice a week--his teeth became tobacco stained--and to-night--to-night1 ,miss ,carey1 he stopped wearing hemstitched pajamas and took to wearing canton flannel night shirts4 7,in depth of woe after the big laugh this gets47 ,miss ,carey1 have you ever seen a man in a canton flannel night shirt8 ,,miss ,,carey3 7,after an expression of horror47 ,i told you ,i am not married4 ,,angela3 7,innocently47 ,oh1 excuse me1 ,i was thinking of your boarders4 7,,miss ,,carey screams what and shows herself insulted beyond words47 ,is it any wonder my love for him has grown cold8 ,men expect a woman to primp up for them--we must always look our best to hold their love--but once they wheedle us into signing our names to the marriage contract--they think 7,suddenly1 seeing dress again47--,oh ,miss ,carey1 what do you charge for a frock like that8 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,i have no night rates for gowns1 ,mrs4-- ,,angela3 ,just call me ,angie--'cause ,i probably will live with you now4 7,slips her arm through ,,miss ,,carey',s1 laying her head on the older woman's shoulder47 ,,miss ,,carey3 7,disengaging her47 ,we'll talk that over in the morning-- if you want1 you may sleep upon that couch--,i'll put out the light4 7,she does so47 ,i'm going to bed--,i must get a little rest4 7,she gives a sharp turn and goes to her room4 ,blue light floods stage4 ,through the half open curtain she is seen having trouble with her bed covers--getting them too high up1 then too far down1 etc4 ,big laughs on this business47 ,,angela3 7,taking down hair47 ,miss ,carey1 you said you were an orphan--,i'm an orphan1 too4 7,there is no answer47 ,i can't tell you how ,i appreciate your insisting on my staying--let me make your breakfast in the morning1 ,miss ,carey4 7,no answer47 ,harry might at least try to find me4 ,aren't men brutes1 ,miss ,carey8 ,,miss ,,carey3 7,loudly from within47 ,they certainly are4 ,,angela3 7,lets peignoir slip off her shoulders1 is in pretty silk pajamas47 ,in the morning1 ,i must think how ,i can earn my own living4 7,she lies down as snores come from next room47 ,miss ,carey1 are you asleep8 7,snore47 ,oh dear1 she's asleep before ,i am--she might have waited4 7,a key is heard in the door--,angela sits up in alarm--as key turns1 she screams47 ,oh ,miss ,carey1 wake up--someone's at the door--wake up4 7,miss ,carey jumps up and out of bed47 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,good ,lord--what is it now8 7,puts up light--the door opens1 and immaculately dressed1 handsome young man in evening clothes1 white gloves1 etc41 enters--,,fred ,,saltus47 ,,angela3 ,burglars6 7,she runs behind curtain of ,,miss ,,carey',s room47 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,you simpleton4 ,i told you ,i had a male boarder4 ,this is it1 ,mr4 ,saltus4 ,,fred3 ,oh1 ,miss ,carey1 pardon me--,i'd have come in by the back door1 but ,i didn't know you were entertaining company4 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,i'm not entertaining anyone--,i'm trying to get a little rest before it's time for me to get up--and young lady1 if you'll come out of my room and let me in1 ,i'll beg of you not to disturb me again4 7,she shoves ,,angela out in her pajamas1 unintentionally knocking her into ,,mr4 ,,saltus1 and goes back to bed47 7,ad4 lib4 talk47 ,,angela3 7,embarrassed and rushing behind the frock on the dressmaker's figure47 ,i've made her awfully cross--but ,i thought it must be a burglar--'cause1 you see1 ,i never knew boarders were allowed out so late at night4 ,,fred3 7,recognizing her47 ,what are you doing here8 ,,angela3 7,forced to confess47 ,i've left my husband4 7,he gives a whistle of surprise47 ,you know he's the man on the floor below--you may have seen me with him--once in a great while4 ,,fred3 ,i've seen you often 7,delighted47--and so you've left him1 eh8 ,,angela3 ,yes--and ,i'm really quite upset about it--naturally he's the first husband ,i've ever left--and you can imagine how a woman feels if you've left your husband--that is your wife4 7,all in one breath47 ,are you married8 ,,fred3 ,no indeed--not a chance4 ,,angela3 7,quickly fishes her opera cloak off couch--slips it over her and goes to couch47 ,then come here and sit down4 7,he does so47 ,i should think the girls would all be crazy about you4 ,,fred3 ,oh--they are--are you boarding here too now8 ,,angela3 ,yes1 but ,miss ,carey doesn't know it yet4 ,,fred3 ,tell me1 have you ever noticed me coming in or going out of the building8 ,,angela3 ,oh yes1 indeed--,i used to point you out to ,harry and show him how you always looked so immaculate and dapper--just as he used to look before we were married4 7,starting to weep47 ,,fred3 ,oh1 you'll go back to your home to-morrow4 ,,angela3 ,no--,i'll never enter it again--never again--except for lunch4 ,,fred3 ,then you're planning a divorce8 ,,angela3 7,as it dawns on her--with a smile47 ,i suppose it would be well to get something like that4 ,,fred3 ,is he in love with another woman8 ,,angela3 7,indignantly47 ,my ,harry--,i guess not4 7,his hand is stretched toward her--in anger she slaps it47 ,,fred3 ,then you'll never get it 7,making love to her47 unless you fall in love with another man and let your husband get the divorce4 ,,angela3 7,innocently47 ,i think ,i'd like that better--,i'll tell ,miss ,carey 7,she approaches curtain--a snore makes her change her mind47--,i'll tell her later4 ,,fred3 ,i'm awfully glad ,i'm a fellow boarder here4 7,he advances to her--as he is about to put his arm about her--suddenly a pounding on door and a gruff voice without37 ,open--open6 ,,angela3 7,in terror47 ,oh1 it's my husband--it's ,harry4 ,,fred3 ,don't talk1 or he'll hear you4 ,,angela3 ,i'll hide--and you open1 or he'll break down the door4 ,,fred3 ,i'll have nothing to do with this mixup4 ,,harry3 7,loudly1 without47 ,open1 or ,i'll bang--down--the--door4 ,,angela3 ,if you don't open1 he'll do it--he's a regular door-banger4 ,,fred3 ,well1 ,i'll not4 ,,angela3 ,then ,i'll get ,miss ,carey4 7,up to curtains again47 ,miss ,carey--,miss ,carey--get up4 ,,miss ,,carey3 7,sticking her head out of curtains47 ,my ,gawd1 what is it now8 ,,angela3 7,after struggle as to how to explain47 ,my husband is here to see us4 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,confound your husband4 ,,harry3 7,outside47 ,i want my wife4 ,,angela3 7,pleading47 ,oh1 ,miss ,carey1 the poor man wants his wife-- tell him ,i'm not here4 ,,miss ,,carey3 7,jumping up--to ,,fred47 ,you go to your room1 ,mr4 ,saltus--,i'll bet you were afraid to open the door4 7,,fred goes to his room47 ,and you go into my bed--if he sees you1 ,i'll never get any sleep4 ,,angela3 ,don't hurt my ,harry's feelings1 ,miss ,carey--he's awfully sensitive4 7,she goes behind curtains47 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,no1 ,i won't hurt his feelings--7,opening door fiercely for ,,harry47 ,what do you want8 ,,harry3 7,pushing her aside as he rushes in47 ,my wife--she's in here4 ,,miss ,,carey3 7,following him down47 ,she's not here--and you get out--what do you mean by waking me up at this hour8 ,,harry3 ,i've waked up everybody else in the building--why should you sleep8 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,i've never seen you before1 but now that ,i have1 ,i don't wonder your wife left you4 ,,harry3 ,madam1 you look like a woman who could sympathize with a man4 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,with a man8 ,never--now get out4 ,,harry3 7,making a tour of the room--she following47 ,not till ,i've searched your place--my wife must be here4 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,i don't know your wife--and ,i don't want to4 ,,harry3 ,why1 madam--,i'm crazy about her--suppose ,i'm the only man in the world who would be1 but she's my doll4 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,well1 you've lost your doll--good night4 ,,harry3 ,oh1 ,i'll get her back again--but a change has seemed to come over her of late1 and to-night she broke out in a fury and hit me violently over the head with a ,wedgewood vase4 ,,angela3 7,rushing out--ready to slap him again47 ,oh ,harry1 ,i did not--it never touched you4 ,,miss ,,carey3 7,throwing up her hands47 ,now ,i'll never get to sleep4 ,,harry3 7,turning on ,,miss ,,carey47 ,oh1 ,i understand it all--it's you who've come between us--you designing1 deceitful homebreaker4 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,you leave my apartment--you impertinent man4 ,,harry3 ,not without my wife4 ,,angela3 ,then you'll stay forever--'cause ,i'm not going with you4 7,she sits right of little table47 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,see here--you argue this out between you--but ,i'm going to bed--but don't you argue above a whisper or ,i'll ring for the police--the idea of you two galavanting about my apartments4 7,going behind curtains47 7,a funny scene ensues between husband and wife--they start their argument in whispered pantomime--she shakes her finger at him--he shakes back at her--it finally grows slightly louder and louder until they are yelling at each other47 ,,angela3 7,screaming47 ,if you say the vase hit you--you're a wicked-- ,,harry3 ,i don't care anything about the vase--you're coming downstairs with me4 7,he pulls her off chair and swings her ,r47 ,,angela3 7,falling on couch47 ,i'm not4 ,,harry3 7,grabbing her again47 ,you are4 ,,angela3 ,i'm not4 7,he tries to pull her to door--she bites his finger1 and breaking away1 runs up to curtains again47 ,miss ,carey1 ,miss ,carey1 wake up1 he bit me4 7,,miss ,,carey dashes out in fury1 ,,angela hangs to her47 ,oh1 ,miss ,carey1 you're the only one ,i have in all the world to keep me from this monster4 ,oh1 ,miss ,carey1 pity me1 make believe you're my mother4 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,i told you ,i'm not married4 ,,angela3 ,well1 think how you'd feel if you were and ,i were your own little girl and a wicked man was ill-treating me1 etc4 7,she finally touches the mother vein in ,,miss ,,carey47 ,,miss ,,carey3 7,affected47 ,go into my room1 dear4 7,she leads her up to bed behind curtains4 ,after ,angela disappears behind curtains1 ,,miss ,,carey turns--facing ,,harry47 ,i'll settle with this viper4 7,coming down47 ,aren't you ashamed of yourself8 ,,harry3 ,why should ,i'be ashamed8 ,,miss ,,carey3 7,resolutely47 ,because you're a lollard4 ,,harry3 ,i'm what8 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,you're one of those vile creatures whose hair grows from east to west4 7,dramatically47 ,where are your refined feet now8 7 ,,harry3 7,thinking she's mad47 ,what on earth are you talking about8 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,the man she fell in love with and married was spick and span--his shoulders were big and broad--his teeth were white--and his skin--well1 if he were standing before me now1 ,i'd be just crazy to kiss him myself4 ,,harry3 ,i was all that you say when ,i married her--that's how ,i won her4 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,and now you're not all that ,i say--that's how you lost her4 ,you can't blame a little woman if she thinks she's getting a man of gold and she finds she's got a gold brick4 ,,harry3 ,why1 ,i'm not different now than ,i was then--only before ,i was married ,i was like all men1 ,i did everything to appear at my best-- to fool her4 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,fool her now--we women love to be fooled4 ,we want to be proud of our husbands4 ,most of us get gold bricks1 but we don't want anyone else to know it4 ,,harry3 ,by ,george1 there may be something in all this4 ,how did you come to know it8 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,i'm an old maid1 and old maids know more about men than anyone--that's why they stay old maids4 ,what were you wearing the first time you met8 ,,harry3 7,reminiscently47 ,a suit of regimentals4 ,,miss ,,carey3 7,hurrying up to door47 ,quick1 go downstairs and put 'em on and come up as quick as you can4 ,,harry3 7,looks at himself in glass near door47 ,by ,george--you're right4 ,oh1 ,miss ,carey1 ,i am a lollard4 7,he runs off47 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,you're a lollard1 all right4 ,now young woman--get your things together and get ready to go--young woman1 do you hear me8 7,she goes up to curtains1 and opens them--there lies ,,angela cozily huddled in a heap1 fast asleep47 ,well1 if the little fluff hasn't fallen asleep4 ,here--wake up--the idea4 ,,angela3 7,in her sleep47 ,harry1 be gentle with ,miss ,carey--she can't help it4 7,,miss ,,carey shakes her so she jumps up47 ,oh ,miss ,carey-- hello4 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,now get your things together--your husband is coming for you in a minute4 ,,angela3 7,a la ,ibsen47 ,i shall never return to ,harry again-- ,i've left him for life4 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,you'll not stay here all that time4 ,,angela3 7,as she comes down1 dreamily47 ,no1 ,i intend to marry another--and oh1 ,miss ,carey1 his hair is so spick--his shoulders so broad--his teeth are so white4 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,good ,lord1 woman1 now you're commencing with another4 ,who is it8 ,,angela3 ,surely you must have foreseen my danger--,i'm in love with your boarder4 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,why1 you must be crazy--girl--,i won't let you enter into such a madness4 ,,angela3 7,in horror47 ,oh ,miss ,carey1 don't tell me you're in love with him yourself4 7,,miss ,,carey sinks in chair47 ,but you'll not get him4 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,why1 my dear1 ,i wouldn't have him for a birth-day present and neither will you4 7,after an ad lib4 argument47 ,we'll see4 7,she calls off in next room47 ,fire6 ,fire66 ,fire666 7,,angela gets scared and starts to run one way as ,,fred runs in--in canton flannels without toupee1 etc41 etc4 ,,angela flops4 ,after audience has seen ,,fred',s condition1 he realizes presence of ladies and rushes back to door--sticking his head out47 ,,fred3 ,where8 ,where's the fire8 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,go back to your bed1 ,mr4 ,saltus4 7,with a look at ,,angela47 ,there was a fire4 ,,angela3 7,disgusted47 ,but ,miss ,carey--has--put--it--out4 7,on word out she gestures him out of room and out of her life4 ,,fred closes door as he withdraws head47 ,,angela3 ,oh ,miss ,carey1 what an awful lollard that is4 7,there is a ring at bell47 7,music commences sweet melody47 ,,miss ,,carey3 7,knowing it is ,,harry47 ,open the door and see who it is4 7,,angela opens the door--,,harry stands there in regimentals--handsome1 young and dapper4 ,,angela falls back in admiration47 ,,harry3 ,angela4 ,,angela3 ,oh1 ,harry darling6 ,,miss ,,carey3 ,he does look good6 ,,angela3 7,as she picks up her belongings47 ,i'm going home with you4 ,,miss ,,carey3 7,as ,,angela goes up to ,,harry47 ,don't forget your tea dress4 7,hands her the little bag47 ,,angela3 ,i'm so tired1 ,harry--take me home4 7,he lifts his tired little wife up in his arms and as he goes out1 she mutters37 ,you're not such a bad lollard after all4 ,,miss ,,carey3 7,going to put out light47 ,now1 thank ,gawd1 ,i'll get a little sleep4 ,,curtain ,,falls ,,blackmail ,a ,,one-,,act ,,play ,,by ,,richard ,,harding ,,davis ,author of ,van ,bibber ,stories1 ,soldiers of ,fortune1 ,the ,playlets1 ,the ,littlest ,girl1 played by ,robert ,hilliard for ten years1 ,miss ,civilization1 etc41 and many full-evening plays4 ,,blackmail ,,characters ,,richard ,,fallon1 a millionaire mine owner4 ,,lou ,,mohun1 a crook4 ,,kelly1 a ,pinkerton detective4 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,,scene ,the scene shows the interior of the sitting room of a suite in a ,new ,york hotel of the class of the ,hotel ,astor or ,claridge4 ,in the back wall a door opens into what is the bedroom of the suite4 ,the hinges of this door are on the right1 the door knob on the left4 ,on the wall on either side of the door is hung a framed copy of a picture by ,gibson or ,christy4 ,in the left wall1 half way down1 is a door leading to the hall4 ,higher up against the wall is a writing desk on which are writing materials and a hand telephone4 ,above this pinned to the wall is a blue-print map4 ,in front of the desk is a gilt chair without arms4 ,above and to the right of the gilt chair is a ,morris chair facing the audience4 ,in the seat of the chair is a valise2 over the back hangs a man's coat4 ,in the right wall are two windows with practical blinds4 ,below them against the wall1 stretches a leather sofa4 ,on it is a suitcase1 beside it on the floor a pair of men's boots4 ,below the sofa and slightly to the left stands a table1 sufficiently heavy to bear the weight of a man leaning against it4 ,on this table are magazines1 a man's sombrero1 a box of safety matches1 a pitcher of ice water and a glass1 and hanging over the edge of the table1 in view of the audience1 are two blue prints held down by pieces of ore4 ,the light that comes through the two windows is of a sunny day in ,august4 ,,when ,,the ,,curtain ,,rises ,,richard ,,fallon is discovered at table arranging the specimens of ore upon the blue prints4 ,he is a young man of thirty-five1 his face is deeply tanned1 his manner is rough and breezy4 ,he is without a coat1 and his trousers are held up by a belt4 ,he is smoking a cigar4 ,,fallon crosses to ,morris chair1 opens valise1 turns over papers1 clothing1 fails to find that for which he is looking and closes the valise4 ,he recrosses to suit case which is at lower end of the sofa4 ,he breaks it open and searches through more papers1 shirts1 coats4 ,takes out another blue print1 tightly rolled4 ,unrolls it1 studies it1 and apparently satisfied1 with his left hand1 places it on table4 ,in attempting to close the suit case the half nearer the audience slips over the foot of the sofa1 and there falls from it to the floor1 a heavy bull dog revolver4 ,,fallon stares at it1 puzzled1 as though trying to recall when he placed it in his suit case4 ,picks it up4 ,looks at it4 ,throws it carelessly into suit case and shuts it4 ,his manner shows he attaches no importance to the revolver4 ,he now surveys the blue prints and the specimens of ore1 as might a hostess1 who is expecting guests1 survey her dinner table4 ,he crosses to hand telephone4 ,,fallon3 7,to 'phone47 ,give me the room clerk1 please4 ,hello8 ,this is ,mr4 ,fallon4 ,i'm expecting two gentlemen at five o'clock4 ,send them right up4 ,and1 not now1 but when they come1 send me up a box of your best cigars and some rye and seltzer4 ,thank you4 7,starts to leave telephone1 but is recalled47 ,what8 ,a lady8 ,i don't know any4 ,i don't know a soul in ,new ,york6 ,what's her name8 ,what--,mrs4 ,tom ,howard8 ,for heaven's sake6 ,tell her ,i'll be there in one second6 ,what8 ,why certainly6 ,tell her to come right up4 7,he rises1 muttering joyfully47 ,well1 well1 well6 7,takes his coat from chair and puts it on4 ,lifts valise from chair and places it behind writing desk4 ,kicks boots under sofa4 ,places cigar on edge of table in view of audience4 ,looks about for mirror and finding none1 brushes his hair with his hands1 and arranges his tie4 ,goes to door ,l4 and opens it1 expectantly47 ,,mrs4 ,,howard enters4 ,she is a young woman of thirty4 ,her face is sweet1 sad1 innocent4 ,she is dressed in white--well1 but simply4 ,nothing about her suggests anything of the fast1 or adventuress type4 ,well1 ,helen6 ,this is fine6 ,god bless you1 this is the best thing that's come my way since ,i left ,alaska4 ,and ,i never saw you looking better4 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 7,taking his hand47 ,and1 it's good to see you1 ,dick4 7,she staggers and sways slightly as though about to faint47 ,can ,i sit down8 7,she moves to ,morris chair and sits back in it47 ,,fallon3 7,in alarm47 ,what is it8 ,are you ill8 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,no1 ,i'm--,i'm so glad to find you--,i was afraid6 ,i was afraid ,i wouldn't find you1 and ,i had to see you4 7,leaning forward1 in great distress47 ,i'm in trouble1 ,dick--terrible trouble4 ,,fallon3 7,joyfully47 ,and you've come to me to help you8 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,yes4 ,,fallon3 ,that's fine6 ,that's bully4 ,i thought1 maybe1 you'd just come to talk over old times4 7,eagerly47 ,and that would have been fine1 too1 understand--but if you've come to me because you're in trouble1 then ,i know you're still my good friend1 my dear old pal4 7,briskly47 ,now1 listen1 you say you're in trouble4 ,well1 you knew me when ,i was down and out in ,san ,francisco1 living on free lunches and chop suey4 ,now1 look at me1 ,helen1 ,i'm a bloated capitalist4 ,i'm a millionaire4 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 7,nervously47 ,i know1 ,dick1 and ,i'm so glad6 ,that's how ,i knew you were here1 ,i read about you this morning in the papers4 ,,fallon3 ,and half they said is true1 too4 ,see those blue prints8 ,each one of them means a gold mine1 and at five1 ,i'm to unload them on some of the biggest swells in ,wall ,street4 7,gently47 ,now1 all that that means is this3 ,i don't know what your trouble is1 but1 if money can cure it1 you haven't got any trouble4 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,dick1 you're just as generous and kind4 ,you haven't changed in any way4 ,,fallon3 ,i haven't changed toward you4 ,how's that husband of yours8 7,jokingly47 ,i'd ought to shot that fellow4 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 7,in distress47 ,that's why ,i came1 ,dick4 ,oh1 ,dick-- ,,fallon3 7,anxiously1 incredulously47 ,don't tell me there's any trouble between you and ,tom8 ,why1 old ,tom he just worships you4 ,he loves you like-- ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,that's it4 ,and ,i want to keep his love4 ,,fallon3 7,laughingly47 ,keep his love8 ,is that all you've got to worry about8 7,throughout the following scene1 ,mrs4 ,howard speaks in a fateful voice1 like a woman beaten and hopeless47 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,dick1 did you ever guess why ,i didn't marry you8 ,,fallon3 ,no1 ,i knew4 ,you didn't marry me because you didn't love me1 and you did love ,tom4 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,no1 ,i didn't know ,tom then4 ,and ,i thought ,i loved you1 until ,i met ,tom4 ,but ,i didn't marry you1 because it wouldn't have been honest--because1 three years before ,i met you1 ,i had lived with a man--as his wife4 ,,fallon3 ,helen6 7,his tone is one of amazement1 but not of reproach4 ,in his astonishment1 he picks the cigar from the table1 puffs at it standing and partly seated on the table47 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 7,in the same dead level1 hopeless voice47 ,i was seventeen years old4 ,i was a waiter girl at one of ,fred ,harvey's restaurants on the ,santa ,fe4 ,i was married to this man before a magistrate4 7,fallon lifts his head47 ,three months later1 when he'd grown tired of me1 he told me the magistrate who had married us was not a magistrate but a friend of his1 a man named ,louis ,mohun1 and he brought this man to live with us4 ,i should have left him then1 that was where ,i did wrong4 ,that was all ,i did that was wrong4 ,but1 ,i couldn't leave him1 ,i couldn't1 because ,i was going to be a mother--and in spite of what he had done--,i begged him to marry me4 ,,fallon3 ,and--he wouldn't8 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,maybe he would--but--he was killed4 ,,fallon3 7,eagerly47 ,you8 ,,mrs4 ,,howard4 7,in horror47 ,god1 no6 ,,fallon3 ,it's a pity4 ,that's what you should have done4 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,he was a gambler1 one night he cheated--the man he cheated1 shot him4 ,then--my baby--died6 ,after two years ,i came to ,san ,francisco and met you and ,tom4 ,then you went to ,klondike and ,i married ,tom4 ,,fallon3 ,and1 you told ,tom8 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 7,lowering her face47 ,,fallon3 ,helen6 ,,mrs4 ,,howarp3 ,i know1 but ,i was afraid4 ,i loved him so1 and ,i was afraid4 ,,fallon3 ,but ,tom would have understood4 ,why1 you thought you were married4 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,i was afraid4 ,i loved him too much4 ,i was too happy1 and ,i was afraid ,i'd lose him4 7,,fallon shakes his head47 ,but1 we were leaving ,san ,francisco forever--to live in the ,east--where ,i thought no one knew me4 ,,fallon3 ,well8 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,well1 one man knew me4 ,mohun1 the man who played the magistrate4 ,he came ,east1 too4 ,three years ago he saw me one night with ,tom in a theatre4 ,he followed us and found out where ,i lived4 ,the next morning he came to see me1 and threatened to tell6 ,and1 ,i was terrified1 ,i lost my head and gave him money4 7,slowly47 ,and ,i have been giving him money ever since4 ,,fallon3 ,helen6 ,you6 ,fall for blackmail8 ,why1 that isn't you4 ,you're no coward6 ,you should have told the swine to go to ,hell1 and as soon as ,tom came home1 you should have told him the whole story4 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 7,fiercely47 ,my story1 yes6 ,but not a story ,mohun threatens to tell6 ,in a week he had it all backed up with letters1 telegrams1 ,god knows what he didn't make me out to be--a vile1 degraded creature4 ,,fallon3 ,and who'd have believed it8 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,everybody6 ,he proved it6 ,and my children4 ,he threatened to stop my children on the way to school and explain to them what kind of a woman their mother was4 ,so1 ,i paid and paid and paid4 ,i robbed ,tom1 ,i robbed the children4 ,i cheated them of food1 and clothes1 ,i've seen ,tom look almost ashamed of us4 ,and when ,i'd taken all ,i'd dared from ,tom1 ,i pretended ,i wanted to be more independent1 and ,i learned typewriting1 and needlework and decorating1 and ,i worked at night1 and when ,tom was at the office--to earn money--to give to ,mohun4 ,and each time he said it was the last1 and each time he came back demanding more4 ,god knows what he does with it1 he throws it away--on drink1 on women1 opium4 ,,fallon3 ,dope fiend1 too1 hey8 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,he's that1 too2 he's everything that's vile2 inhuman1 pitiless1 degenerate4 ,sometimes1 ,i wonder why ,god lets him live4 7,her voice drops to a whisper47 ,sometimes1 ,i almost pray to ,god to let him die4 7,,fallon who already has determined to kill ,,mohun1 receives this speech with indifference1 and continues grimly to puff on his cigar47 ,he's killed my happiness1 he's killing me4 ,in keeping him alive1 ,i've grown ill and old4 ,i see the children growing away from me1 ,i see ,tom drawing away from me4 ,and now1 after all my struggles1 after all my torture1 ,tom must be told4 ,mohun is in some new trouble4 ,he must have a thousand dollars6 ,i can no more give him a thousand dollars than ,i can give him ,new ,york ,city4 ,but1 if ,i don't1 he'll tell6 ,what am ,i to do8 ,,fallon3 7,unmoved47 ,when did you see this--this thing last8 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,this morning4 ,he'd read about you in the papers4 ,he knows ,i knew you in ,san ,francisco4 ,he said you'd struck it rich1 and that you'd give me the money4 7,rises1 and comes to him47 ,but1 get this straight1 ,dick4 ,i didn't come here for money4 ,i don't want money4 ,i won't take money4 ,i came to you because you are my best friend1 and ,tom's best friend1 and because ,i need a man's brain1 a man's advice4 ,,fallon3 7,contemptuously47 ,advice6 ,hell6 ,am ,i the sort of man that gives girls--advice8 7,with rough tenderness47 ,now1 you go home to ,tom1 and tell him ,i'm coming to dinner4 7,impressively47 ,and leave this leech to me4 ,and1 don't worry4 ,this thing never happened1 it's just a bad dream1 a nightmare4 ,just throw it from your shoulders like a miner drops his pack4 ,it's never coming back into your life again4 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 7,earnestly47 ,no6 ,i won't let you pay that man6 ,he'd hound you1 as he's hounded me6 ,,fallon3 7,indignantly47 ,pay him8 ,me8 ,i haven't got enough money to pay him6 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,what6 ,,fallon3 ,no man on earth has money enough to pay blackmail4 ,helen1 this is what ,i think of a blackmailer3 ,the lowest thing that crawls1 is a man that sends a woman into the streets to earn money for him4 ,here1 in ,new ,york1 you call them cadets4 ,now1 there's only one thing on earth lower than a cadet1 and that's the blackmailer1 the man who gets money from a woman--by threatening her good name--who uses her past as a club--who drags out some unhappy act of hers for which she's repented1 in tears1 on her knees1 which the world has forgotten1 which ,god has forgiven4 ,and1 for that past sin1 that's forgotten and forgiven1 this blackguard crucifies her4 ,and the woman--to protect her husband and her children1 as you have done--to protect her own good name1 that she's worked for and won1 starves herself to feed that leech4 ,and1 you ask me1 if ,i'm going to feed him1 too6 ,not me6 ,helen1 down in lower ,california1 there are black bats1 the ,mexican calls ,vampire bats4 ,they come at night and fasten on the sides of the horses and drink their blood4 ,and1 in the morning when you come to saddle up1 you'll find the horses too weak to walk1 and hanging to their flanks these vampires1 swollen and bloated and drunk with blood4 ,now1 ,i've just as much sympathy for ,mr4 ,mohun1 as ,i have for those vampires1 and1 ,i'm going to treat him just as ,i treat them6 ,where is he8 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,downstairs4 ,in the cafe4 ,,fallon3 ,here1 in this hotel8 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,yes4 ,,fallon3 7,half to himself47 ,good6 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,he said he'd wait until ,i telephoned him that you would pay4 ,if you won't1 he's going straight to ,tom4 ,,fallon3 ,he is1 is he8 ,helen1 ,i hate to have you speak to him again1 but1 unless he hears your voice1 he won't come upstairs4 7,motions towards telephone47 ,tell him ,i'll see him in ten minutes4 ,tell him ,i've agreed to make it all right4 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,but1 how1 ,dick1 how8 ,,fallon3 ,don't you worry about that4 ,i'm going to send him away4 ,out of the country4 ,he won't trouble you any more4 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,but he won't go4 ,he's promised me to go many times-- ,,fallon3 ,yes1 but he's not dealing with a woman1 now1 he's dealing with a man1 with boots on4 ,do as ,i tell you4 7,,mrs4 ,,howard sits at writing desk and takes receiver off telephone4 ,,fallon leans against table right1 puffing quickly on his cigar1 and glancing impatiently at the valise that holds his revolver47 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,give me the cafe1 please4 ,is this the cafe8 ,i want to speak to a ,mr4 ,mohun1 he is waiting to be called up--oh1 thank you4 7,to ,,fallon47 ,he's coming4 7,to 'phone47 ,i have seen that man and he says he'll take up that debt1 and pay it4 ,yes1 now1 at once4 ,you're to wait for ten minutes1 until he can get the money1 and then1 he'll telephone you to come up4 ,i don't know1 ,i'll ask4 7,to ,fallon47 ,he says it must be in cash4 ,,fallon3 7,sarcastically47 ,why1 certainly6 ,that'll be all right4 7,,mrs4 ,,howard ,places her hand over the mouth piece47 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,i'll not let you pay him6 ,,fallon3 ,i'm not going to6 ,i'm going to give him just what's coming to him4 ,tell him1 it'll be all right4 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 7,to 'phone47 ,he says to tell you1 it'll be all right4 ,the room is #baj on the third floor4 ,in ten minutes1 yes4 7,she rises47 ,,fallon3 ,now1 then1 you go back to ,tom and get dinner ready4 ,don't forget ,i'm coming to dinner4 ,and the children must come to dinner1 too4 ,we'll have a happy1 good old-time reunion4 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 7,with hand on door knob of door left47 ,dick1 how can ,i thank you8 ,,fallon3 ,don't let me catch you trying4 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,god bless you1 ,dick4 7,with a sudden hope47 ,and you really believe you can make him go8 ,,fallon3 ,don't worry6 ,i'm sure of it4 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,and1 you think he won't come back8 ,,fallon3 7,after a pause1 gravely47 ,i know he won't come back4 ,,mrs4 ,,howard3 ,god bless you1 ,dick6 ,,fallon3 ,see you at dinner4 7,,mrs4 ,,howard exits4 ,,fallon stands considering1 and chewing on his cigar4 ,then1 he crosses room briskly and lowers the blind at each window4 ,opens valise and examines revolver4 ,places the revolver in his left hip pocket4 ,then1 in a matter-of-course manner from his right hand pocket1 he draws his automatic pistol4 ,this1 as though assured he would find loaded1 he examines in a quick1 perfunctory way1 and replaces4 ,he crosses left to desk1 and taking from it a cheque book1 writes out a cheque1 which he tears from the book1 and holds in his right hand4 ,with left hand he removes the receiver from the telephone47 ,give me ,murray ,hill #bhbh4 ,hello1 is this the ,corn and ,grain ,bank8 ,i want to speak to the cashier4 ,hello1 is that the cashier8 ,this is ,richard ,fallon1 of ,san ,francisco1 speaking from the ,hotel ,wisteria4 ,i opened an account with you day before yesterday1 for two hundred thousand dollars4 ,yes1 this is ,mr4 ,fallon speaking4 ,i made out a cheque yesterday payable to ,louis ,mohun 7,glances at cheque471 dated ,august #dth1 for two thousand dollars4 ,i want to know if he's cashed it in yet8 ,he hasn't1 hey8 ,good6 7,he continues to look at cheque1 to impress upon audience1 that the cheque they have just seen him write1 is the one which he is speaking about47 ,well1 ,i want to stop payment on that cheque4 ,yes1 yes4 ,i made it out under pressure1 and ,i've decided not to stand for it4 ,yes1 sort of a hold up6 ,i guess that's why he was afraid to cash it4 ,you'll attend to that1 will you8 ,thank you4 ,good-bye4 7,he takes an envelope from desk1 places cheque in it and puts envelope in his breast pocket4 ,again takes off receiver47 ,hello1 give me the cashier1 please4 ,am ,i speaking to the cashier of the hotel8 ,this is ,mr4 ,fallon in room #baj4 ,is your hotel detective in the lobby8 ,he is8 ,good6 ,what--what sort of a man is he1 is he a man ,i can rely on8 ,a ,pinkerton1 hey8 ,that's good enough6 ,well1 ,i wish you'd give him a thousand dollars for me in hundreds4 ,ten hundred-dollar bills1 and before you send them up1 ,i wish you'd mark them and take their numbers4 ,what8 ,no1 there's no trouble4 ,i just want to see that the right bills go to the right people1 that's all4 ,thank you4 7,he crosses to door centre1 and taking key from the bedroom side1 places it in keyhole on side of door in view of the audience4 ,he turns the key several times4 ,he takes the revolver from his left hip pocket and holding it in his right hand1 rehearses shooting under his left arm through his coat which he holds from him by the fingers of his left hand4 ,shifting revolver to his left hand1 he takes the automatic from his right hip pocket1 and goes through the motions of firing with both guns in opposite directions4 ,his pantomine must show he intends making use of both guns at the same time1 using one apparently upon himself1 and the other1 in earnest1 upon another person4 ,he replaces the revolvers in his pockets4 ,there is a knock at the door47 ,come in4 7,,kelly enters4 ,in his hand he carries an envelope4 ,he is an elderly man with grey hair1 neatly dressed and carrying a straw hat4 ,he has an air of authority4 ,his manner to ,,fallon is respectful47 ,,kelly3 ,afternoon1 ,mr4 ,fallon4 ,i am ,kelly1 the house detective4 ,,fallon3 ,yes1 ,i know4 ,i've seen you in the lobby4 ,,kelly3 ,mr4 ,parmelee said ,i was to give you this4 7,gives envelope to ,,fallon4 ,,fallon takes out ten yellow-back bills47 ,there ought to be a thousand dollars there in hundreds4 ,,fallon3 ,that's right4 ,now1 will you just sit over there1 and as ,i read the numbers1 you write them down4 ,,kelly3 ,mr4 ,parmelee made a note of the numbers1 ,mr4 ,fallon4 ,,fallon3 ,i know4 ,i want you to identify them too4 ,,kelly3 ,i can do that4 ,i saw him mark them4 ,,fallon3 ,good4 ,and if you saw these bills in the next five minutes you'd be able to swear they're the same bills you gave me8 ,,kelly3 ,sure4 7,starts towards door47 ,,fallon3 ,wait a minute4 ,sit down1 ,kelly4 7,,kelly seats himself in ,morris chair1 holding his hat between his knees47 ,kelly1 this hotel engages you from the ,pinkertons to stay around the place1 and--protect the guests8 ,,kelly3 ,yes1 sir4 ,,fallon3 ,well1 there's a man downstairs thinks he has a claim on this money4 ,now1 ,i'd like you to wait in that bedroom and listen to what he says with a view to putting him in jail4 ,,kelly3 ,blackmail1 ,mr4 ,fallon8 ,,fallon3 ,yes1 blackmail4 ,,kelly3 7,eagerly47 ,and you're not going to stand for it8 ,,fallon3 ,i am not6 ,,kelly3 7,earnestly47 ,good6 ,that's the only way to treat those dogs4 ,never give up1 never give up6 ,,fallon3 ,no1 but yesterday1 ,i had to give up4 ,he put a gun at my head4 ,,kelly3 7,excitedly47 ,where8 ,not in this hotel8 ,,fallon3 ,yes1 in this room4 ,i gave him a cheque for two thousand dollars4 ,that made him think ,i was easy1 and he telephoned this morning that he's coming back for another thousand1 and he wants it in cash4 ,that's why ,i marked those bills4 ,,kelly3 ,why1 we got him now6 ,he's as good as dead4 ,,fallon3 7,startled47 ,what8 ,,kelly3 ,i say1 we've got him nailed now4 ,,fallon3 ,oh1 yes4 7,pause47 ,he hasn't turned in the cheque yet--,i've just called up the bank to find out4 ,i guess he means to hold that over my head1 hey8 ,,kelly3 ,more likely he's afraid of it4 7,eagerly47 ,we may get that back1 too4 ,we may find it on him4 ,,fallon3 ,what8 ,yes1 as you say1 we may find it on him4 ,,kelly3 7,eagerly47 ,and as soon as he gets those bills in his clothes1 you give me the high sign 7,fiercely47--and we'll nail him6 ,,fallon3 ,yes1 we'll nail him4 ,and1 if he puts his gun in my face today1 he won't catch me empty-handed the second time4 7,draws automatic from his pocket47 ,i'm ready for him1 today6 ,,kelly3 7,greatly concerned47 ,here1 none of that stuff1 ,mr4 ,fallon4 ,a gentleman like you can't take that chance4 ,,fallon3 ,chance8 ,kelly1 ,i haven't always lived in a swell hotel4 ,the man that gets the drop on me--when ,i've got a gun--has got to be damned quick4 ,,kelly3 ,that's just what ,i mean6 ,i'm not thinking of him1 ,i'm thinking of you4 ,give me that gun4 ,,fallon3 ,certainly not4 ,,kelly3 ,you don't want to go to jail for a rat like that4 ,,fallon3 ,i don't mean to go to jail1 and1 ,i don't mean to die1 either4 ,for the last six years ,i've been living on melted ice and bacon4 ,now1 ,i'm worth seven million dollars4 ,i'm thirty-five years old and my life is in front of me4 ,and1 ,i don't mean to waste one hour of it in a jail1 and ,i don't mean to let any blackmailer take it away from me4 ,,kelly3 ,you don't want no judge to take it away from you1 either6 ,you're not in the ,klondike4 ,,fallon3 ,i guess1 ,i've got a right to defend myself1 anywhere4 ,,kelly3 ,yes1 but you'll get excited and-- ,,fallon3 7,quietly47 ,i8 ,excited8 ,i never get excited4 ,the last time ,i was excited was when ,i was seven years old1 and the circus came to town4 ,,kelly3 ,don't mix up in this4 ,what am ,i here for8 ,,fallon3 ,you won't be here4 ,how can you help me in that room1 when a fellow's pumping lead into my stomach in this one8 ,,kelly3 ,he won't pump no lead4 ,,fallon3 7,carelessly47 ,i hope not4 ,but1 if he does1 he's got to do it awful quick4 7,motions towards centre door47 ,now1 you go in there and shut the door1 and ,i'll talk out here4 ,and you tell me if you can hear what ,i say8 7,,kelly goes into bedroom and closes door4 ,,fallon walks to door ,r4 with his back turned towards ,,kelly47 ,have you got the door shut tight8 ,,kelly3 7,from bedroom47 ,yes4 ,,fallon3 7,speaks in a loud tone1 to an imaginary person47 ,no1 not another penny4 ,if ,i pay you1 will you promise not to take the story to the newspapers8 ,i give you this thousand dollars--7,turns towards centre door4 ,,kelly opens door47 ,could you hear me8 ,,kelly3 ,yes1 ,i could hear you1 but he won't talk that loud4 ,you put him in that chair 7,points to ,morris chair47--so that he'll sit facing me1 and you stand over there 7,points at safe47--so then he'll have to speak up4 ,,fallon3 ,i see4 ,are you all ready8 ,,kelly3 ,yes4 7,,kelly closes door4 ,,fallon goes to desk4 ,lifts both guns from his pocket an inch or two1 and then takes receiver from telephone4 ,to 'phone47 ,give me the cafe1 please4 ,is this the cafe8 ,there's a ,mr4 ,mohun down there waiting to hear from ,mr4 ,fallon--yes4 ,all right4 ,tell him to come up4 7,,kelly opens door47 ,,kelly3 ,hist4 ,listen1 this guy knows what he's up against2 he knows it might land him in ,sing ,sing and he'll be leery of this door being shut4 ,so1 if he insists on looking in here1 you speak up loud1 and say1 ,that's my bedroom4 ,it's empty4 ,say it quick enough to give me time to get out into the hall4 ,,fallon3 ,i see4 ,,kelly3 ,then1 when he's had his look around1 you slam the door shut again1 and ,i'll come back into the bedroom4 ,have you got it8 ,,fallon3 ,i understand4 7,in loud voice47 ,that's my bedroom4 ,it's empty4 ,,kelly3 ,that's the office for me to sneak into the hall4 7,in bedroom1 he disappears right47 ,,fallon3 7,at open door1 rehearsing47 ,you see1 the room is empty4 7,closes the door with a bang4 ,pause1 then he calls47 ,are you there now1 ,kelly8 ,,kelly3 ,yes1 ,i'm here4 7,,fallon stands looking at the key in the door4 ,for an instant his hand falters over it as though he would risk turning it4 ,then1 he shakes his head1 and walks to table right4 ,there is a low knock at door left47 ,,fallon3 ,come in4 7,,mohun enters door left4 ,he is lean1 keen faced1 watchful4 ,he is a head taller than ,,fallon4 ,his manner always has an undercurrent of insolence47 ,,mohun3 ,afternoon4 ,am ,i speaking to ,mr4 ,fallon8 ,,fallon3 ,yes4 ,lou ,mohun8 ,,mohun3 ,yes4 7,,mohun stands warily at the door4 ,glances cautiously around the room4 ,bends over quite openly to look under the sofa4 ,for some seconds his eyes rest with a smile on bedroom door4 ,he speaks slowly1 unemotionally47 ,a mutual friend of ours said you wanted to see me4 ,,fallon3 7,sharply47 ,we've no mutual friend4 ,no one's in this but you and me4 ,you want to get that straight6 ,,mohun3 7,easily47 ,all right4 ,that's all right4 ,well1 what do you want to see me about8 7,,fallon speaks in a loud voice4 ,in the speeches that follow1 it must be apparent that his loud tone and excited manner is assumed1 and is intended only to convince ,,kelly47 ,,fallon3 ,i understand1 you think you have a claim on me for a thousand dollars4 ,and1 ,i'm going to give it to you4 ,but1 first1 ,i want a plain talk with you4 7,sharply47 ,are you listening to me8 ,,mohun3 ,no1 not yet4 ,before there's any plain talking1 ,i want to know where that door leads to4 ,,fallon3 ,what door8 ,that8 7,in a louder voice47 ,that's my bedroom4 ,it's empty4 ,is that what you want8 ,think ,i got someone in there8 ,do you want to look for yourself8 7,opens door47 ,go on in1 and look4 7,,mohun takes a step forward1 and peers past ,,fallon into bedroom47 ,go on1 search it4 ,look under the bed4 ,,mohun3 ,i guess that's all right4 ,,fallon3 ,don't you want to look8 ,,mohun3 7,falling back to door left47 ,not now4 ,no need to1 if you're willing to let me4 7,impatiently47 ,go on4 ,what is it you want with me8 7,,fallon closes door with a slam4 ,comes down to table47 ,,fallon3 ,what do ,i want8 ,i want you to understand that this is the last time you come to me for money4 ,,mohun3 7,indifferently47 ,that's all right4 ,,fallon3 ,no1 its not all right4 7,takes out bills47 ,before ,i give you this1 you've got to promise me to keep silent4 ,i'll stand for no more blackmail4 ,,mohun3 ,don't talk so loud4 ,i'm not deaf4 ,look here1 ,mr4 ,fallon1 ,i didn't come here to be shouted at1 ,i came here to get the money you promised me4 ,,fallon3 ,well1 here it is4 7,gives him bills4 ,,mohun sticks them in his right-hand vest pocket47 ,no1 you listen to me4 7,as soon as he obtains the money1 ,,mohun',s manner changes4 ,he is amused1 and insolent47 ,,mohun3 ,no1 not a bit like it4 ,now that ,i've got this1 you'll have to listen to me4 7,moves deliberately to ,morris chair and seats himself7 ,mr4 ,fallon1 ,i don't like your tone4 ,,fallon3 7,slowly47 ,you--don't--like my tone8 ,i don't think ,i understand you4 ,,mohun3 ,you talk like you had a whip over me4 ,you don't seem to see that ,i got you dead to rights4 ,,fallon3 7,in pretended alarm47 ,have you8 ,,mohun3 ,have ,i8 ,i got a mortgage on you for life4 ,you got in wrong when you gave me that money4 ,don't you see that8 ,mr4 ,fallon1 ,i've been taking out information about you4 ,some ',frisco lads tell me you used to be pretty sweet on a certain party1 but she chucked you and married the other fellow4 ,but the first day you come back a millionaire she visits your rooms--and you give her a thousand dollars6 ,why8 ,she can't tell4 ,you can't tell4 ,but ,i can tell4 ,i can tell her husband4 ,he's only got to ask the hotel clerk and the cashier and the bell hops1 and when ,i've told my story as ,i'll tell it--he's liable to shoot you4 7,there is a pause during which ,,fallon stares at ,,mohun incredulously47 ,let it sink in1 ,mr4 ,fallon4 ,,fallon3 7,quietly47 ,i am--letting it sink in4 ,,mohun3 ,now1 a thousand dollars is all well enough from a lady that has to scrape to find it1 but a thousand dollars from a millionaire like you is a joke4 ,and unless you want me to go to the husband1 you'll come across with fifty thousand dollars1 and until ,i get it1 ,i'm not going to leave this room4 ,,fallon3 7,solemnly47 ,then1 ,i don't believe you are going to leave this room4 ,,mohun3 7,impudently47 ,oh1 ,i'll go when ,i'm ready4 ,,fallon3 7,going up close to centre door47 ,let me understand you4 ,you are going to this husband with a lie that will wreck his faith in his wife1 that will wreck his faith in his best friend1 unless ,i give you a thousand dollars8 ,,mohun3 ,no6 ,fifty thousand dollars6 ,,fallon3 ,fifty thousand4 ,it's the same thing4 ,but1 you'd keep quiet for ten dollars1 wouldn't you1 if that was all ,i had8 ,,mohun3 7,grinning at him47 ,if that was all you had4 ,,fallon3 7,in a whisper1 slowly1 impressively47 ,then1 ,mr4 ,mohun 7,he raises his right arm471 may--,god--have mercy--on your soul4 7,in loud1 excited tones and purposely1 so that ,,mohun can see him1 he turns his face towards the centre door47 ,i won't pay that fifty thousand4 ,i won't stand for blackmail1 you're robbing--7,,mohun leaps to his feet1 and points at centre door47 ,,mohun3 7,fiercely47 ,here4 ,what are you doing8 ,you're trying to trap me8 ,there is someone in that room4 7,,fallon laughs mockingly at ,,mohun1 but speaks for ,,kelly to hear47 ,,fallon3 ,don't go near that room4 7,with his left hand he quickly turns the key in the door47 ,don't lock that door6 ,don't lock that door6 ,kelly1 he's locked the door4 7,he draws the revolver from his left pocket4 ,,kelly is heard shaking the handle of the door1 and beating upon the panel4 ,,fallon speaks in a whisper47 ,i told you1 you'd never leave this room1 ,mr4 ,mohun4 7,in a loud1 excited tone47 ,drop that gun4 ,drop that gun4 ,don't point that gun at me6 7,still smiling mockingly at ,,mohun1 ,,fallon shoots twice through his own coat on the left side1 throws the gun at ,,mohun',s feet1 and drawing his automatic pistol1 shoves it against ,,mohun',s stomach and fires4 ,,mohun falls back into the ,morris chair dead47 7,shouts loudly47 ,break in the door4 ,break in the door4 7,from his pocket he takes the envelope containing the cheque1 and sticks it into the inside pocket of ,,mohun',s coat4 ,then turns to table1 right1 as ,,kelly bursts open the door and sees ,,mohun47 ,,kelly3 ,my ,god1 ,mr4 ,fallon4 ,i told you to give me that gun6 ,,fallon3 ,have ,i hurt him8 ,,kelly3 7,bending over body47 ,hurt him8 ,you've killed him6 7,,fallon with his face turned from ,,kelly1 smiles4 ,he speaks with pretended emotion47 ,killed him8 ,here1 you're an officer4 7,throws gun on table47 ,i give myself up4 7,,kelly runs to hand telephone4 ,,fallon picks up his cigar from the table and a box of matches4 ,starts to light cigar1 but seeing ,,kelly at 'phone hesitates and listens eagerly47 ,,kelly3 7,to 'phone47 ,send the hotel doctor here4 ,quick6 ,mr4 ,fallon's wounded4 7,to ,,fallon47 ,are you badly hurt8 7,,fallon places his left hand on his left hip under the coat and removes it showing the fingers covered with blood47 ,,fallon3 ,only scratched4 ,,kelly3 7,to 'phone47 ,some crank tried to shoot him up4 ,mr4 ,fallon fired back and killed him4 7,pause47 ,no6 ,mr4 ,fallon killed him6 7,pause47 ,of course1 in self-defense1 you fool1 of course1 in self-defense6 7,,kelly slams back the receiver1 and rising quickly1 turns to the right and stands with hands on his hips1 and back to audience1 gazing down at ,,mohun4 ,he does not once look at ,,fallon47 ,,fallon3 7,on hearing the words in self-defense sighs1 smiles and striking the match1 lights the cigar as7 ,,the ,,curtain ,,falls4 ,,the ,,system ,a ,,one-,,act ,,melodrama ,,by ,,taylor ,,granville ,author1 producer and star of ,the ,star ,bout1 ,the ,futurity ,winner1 ,the ,yellow ,streak1 ,etc41 ,etc4 ,,in ,,collaboration ,,with ,,junie ,,mccree ,,and ,,edward ,,clark ,author of ,the ,marital ,author of ,the ,winning ,coach1 ,neighbors1 ,coon ,widows1 ,when ,we ,grow ,town ,divorcons1 ,etc41 ,etc4 ,up1 ,etc41 ,etc4 ,,the ,,system ,,characters ,,billy ,,bradley 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,alias ,the ,eel4 ,,dan ,,mccarthy 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,inspector of ,police4 ,,tim ,,dugan 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,lieutenant of ,police4 ,,james ,o',,mara4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,desk ,lieutenant4 ,,officer ,,flynn 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,patrolman4 ,,bobby ,,perkins 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,a ,police ,reporter4 ,,harold ,,brookthorne 4 4 4 ,a ,cub ,reporter4 ,,mr4 ,,inbad 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,a ,souse4 ,,jim1 ,,tom 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,central ,office ,men4 ,,mrs4 ,,demming ,,worthington4 ,a ,noted ,horsewoman4 ,,janitress 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,at #cbg ,east ,broadway4 ,,goldie ,,marshall 4 4 4 4 4 ,the ,eel's ,gal4 ,policemen1 ,citizens1 ,morbid ,crowds1 ,etc4 ,,scene ,i ,,police ,,station1 ,,new ,,york ,,city4 ,,evening ,door ,c4 ,door ,l4 #bnd ,e4 leading below to cells4 ,windows in flat ,r4 and ,l4 showing two green lights in front of ,station4 ,street backing1 showing the other side of ,street4 ,bench at ,l4 window1 chair at ,r4 window4 ,small platform ,r4 #b1 with desk1 railing1 etc4 ,chairs on ,platform4 ,,at ,,rise3 7,o',mara at desk speaking through telephone4 ,,perkins in chair ,r41 writing4 ,,flynn searching ,,inbad1 who is intoxicated47 ,o',,mara3 7,speaking through 'phone47 ,all right6 ,good-bye6 7,puts 'phone down47 ,take him down1 that fellow is a champion souse4 ,,inbad3 7,as ,,flynn is jerking him off ,l47 ,thatsh what ,i am1 and ,i'll defend my title against all comers4 7,exit ,,inbad followed by ,,flynn47 ,,perkins3 7,coming ,r4 to ,o',,mara47 ,that ,worthington robbery will make a corking story1 if it's true4 7,starts for door ,c47 ,o',,mara3 ,well1 why don't you wait till the pinch comes off and then get the story for sure8 ,,perkins3 ,your word's good enough4 ,o',,mara3 ,but ,i haven't given you me word4 ,i don't know whether they've nailed him yet or not4 ,,perkins3 7,coming back to desk railing ,r47 7,disappointed47 ,oh1 ,i thought you said they'd got him4 ,o',,mara3 ,that's the way you reporters twist everything4 ,i said ,dugan was after him1 that's all4 ,,perkins3 ,well1 that's as good as got him2 anything ,dugan sets out to get1 comes pretty near materializing4 7,starts ,c41 stops on meeting ,,brooky1 who enters door ,c47 ,hello6 ,brooky6 ,just in time4 ,here's a chance for you to distinguish yourself in your new capacity4 ,,brooky3 7,coming ,c47 ,got a story8 ,,perkins3 ,a pippin6 ,listen to this4 7,reads from notes47 ,police fishing4 ,make a big haul6 ,throw out the dragnet and once more capture the ,eel4 ,a very slippery article4 ,,brooky3 ,i don't understand4 ,,perkins3 ,oh1 can't you understand1 the ,eel is the nickname1 the alias of one of the slickest crooks in the country1 ,billy ,bradley4 ,,brooky3 ,billy ,bradley8 ,oh yes1 ,i've heard of him4 ,,perkins3 ,well1 that's the ,eel4 ,,brooky3 ,oh ,i see2 well1 what about him8 ,,perkins3 ,he's been taken1 or at least is going to be4 ,,brooky3 ,what's he done8 ,,perkins3 7,looking at ,,brooky surprised47 ,you're up on that ,worthington robbery1 aren't you8 ,,brooky3 ,what robbery is that8 ,,perkins3 7,disgusted47 ,don't tell me you don't know that burglars entered ,mrs4 ,demming ,worthington's house last night1 and made off with a five thousand dollar necklace8 ,,brooky3 ,i hadn't heard of it4 ,,perkins3 ,good heavens1 man6 hasn't your paper got it8 ,,brooky3 7,going ,l47 ,i don't know4 ,i never read our paper4 7,perkins follows ,,brooky in disgust47 ,o',,mara3 7,smiling47 ,well1 ,i don't know but what you're just as well off4 7,enter ,,inspector door ,c41 ,o',,mara comes from behind desk and stands above it for ,,inspector to cross him47 ,,perkins3 ,good evenin'1 ,inspector4 ,,inspector3 7,glancing about room1 without stopping1 goes straight to stool behind desk47 ,how are you1 boys6 7,,inspector salutes ,o',,mara as he passes him1 ,o',,mara returns the salute1 then goes to upper end of desk1 where he stands47 ,,brooky3 ,how do you do1 sir4 ,,inspector3 7,back of desk47 ,well1 ,o',mara4 ,they've got the ,eel4 ,o',,mara3 ,they have8 ,,inspector3 ,dugan is on his way up with him now4 ,,perkins3 ,i guess it will go pretty hard with him1 won't it ,inspector8 ,,inspector3 ,if he is guilty4 ,,perkins3 ,well1 he is1 isn't he8 ,,inspector3 ,i believe every man innocent until proven guilty4 ,,brooky3 ,bravo1 ,inspector6 ,those are my sentiments4 ,,inspector3 ,i've sent for ,mrs4 ,worthington4 ,when we get her1 ,goldie1 the ,eel and ,dugan together1 we shall be able to get a clearer view on the matter4 ,bring up ,goldie4 7,o',,mara exits door ,l47 ,,perkins3 7,coming ,r4 ,c47 ,inspector1 has this girl ,goldie ,marshall ever been up before8 ,,inspector3 ,well1 she's been arrested a number of times1 on shop-lifting charges1 but we've never been able to prove anything on her4 ,,perkins3 ,perhaps she's square after all4 ,,inspector3 ,not at all unlikely2 as ,i said before1 ,i believe a person innocent until proven guilty4 ,,brooky3 7,crossing ,r4 to railing of desk47 ,and as ,i said before--,bravo1 old chap4 7,the ,,inspector looks at ,,brooky sternly and he retires up stage ,r4 confusedly1 bumping into chair1 sits in it47 ,,perkins3 7,crossing ,r4 to railing47 ,inspector8 ,,inspector3 ,well8 ,,perkins3 ,i suppose many a person has been railroaded through the ,system8 ,,inspector3 7,rising angrily47 ,system6 ,how dare you6 ,what do you mean8 ,,perkins3 ,i--,i--beg your pardon1 ,inspector1 ,i-- ,,brooky3 7,rising from chair and coming down ,l4 of ,,perkins47 ,i say1 don't make a bally ass of yourself4 ,,inspector3 ,don't ever let me hear you say that again4 7,voices of ,o',,mara and ,,goldie are heard off ,l47 7,enter ,,goldie1 followed by ,o',,mara4 ,door ,l47 ,,goldie3 7,jerking away from ,o',,mara47 ,well1 don't yank my arm off4 7,looking around room47 ,i know the way4 7,starts ,r47 ,o',,mara3 7,following ,,goldie1 catches her by the back of neck as she reaches ,c47 ,don't give me any back talk or ,i'll yank your neck off4 ,,inspector3 ,o',mara6 let go your hold4 ,don't forget you're dealing with a woman4 7,o',,mara releases hold47 ,,goldie3 7,mockingly courteous47 ,thanks1 ,inspector6 ,what'll ,i send you for ,christmas1 a bunch of sweet forget-me-nots or a barrel of pickles8 ,,inspector3 ,goldie1 don't be so incorrigible4 ,,goldie3 ,gee6 but you're an educated guy4 ,,inspector3 ,have a seat4 7,o',,mara jumps for chair with mock politeness47 ,,goldie3 7,to reporters47 ,he's polite1 too4 7,crosses to chair47 ,,inspector3 ,well1 ,goldie6 ,,goldie3 7,sitting47 ,well1 ,inspector6 ,,inspector3 ,do you intend to stay here to-night or are you going to get bail8 ,,goldie3 ,where would ,i get bail8 ,,inspector3 ,i thought perhaps some gentleman friend of yours-- ,,goldie3 7,rising angrily47 ,i ain't got no gentlemen friends4 ,what do you think ,i am1 a ,moll8 7,sits47 ,,inspector3 ,don't make any grand stand play now1 ,goldie6 ,,goldie3 ,well1 if you mean that ,i'm a bad girl1 you'd better not say it 7,rising1 crosses to desk and pounds angrily on railing471 'cause ,i ain't1 see8 ,,inspector3 ,well1 you don't deny that you and the ,eel are sweethearts8 ,,goldie3 ,was1 yes4 ,gee1 we was goin' to get married1 until in a jealous huff he tried to kill me and was shipped for two years for assault and battery1 but it wasn't none of my doin's4 ,,inspector3 ,didn't you prefer charges against him8 ,,goldie3 ,i did not4 ,do you think ,i'd squeal on a pal8 ,if it wasn't for ,dugan1 they'd turn the ,eel loose4 7,sits47 ,,inspector3 ,why ,dugan8 ,,goldie3 ,didn't he shove him in8 ,,inspector3 ,he was simply acting in his official duty4 ,,goldie3 ,official duty1 my eye4 ,,inspector3 ,what other motive could ,mr4 ,dugan possibly have had8 ,,goldie3 7,with a sneer47 ,maybe you don't know4 ,well1 ,i'll tell you4 ,he thought by shovin' the ,eel out of the way1 he could get me4 ,,inspector3 ,and did he8 ,,goldie3 ,not so as you could notice it4 ,i ain't no fall guy for nobody4 ,,inspector3 ,now that the ,eel's been sprung1 are you going back to him8 ,,goldie3 7,almost in tears47 ,oh gee6 ,i wish ,i could1 but there's nothing doin'1 he's sore on me4 ,,inspector3 ,when did you last see him8 ,,goldie3 ,just before he went up1 two years ago4 ,,inspector3 ,how about this ,worthington robbery1 wasn't he in on it8 ,,goldie3 7,hastily47 ,no1 he wasn't4 ,,inspector3 7,quickly47 ,who was8 ,,goldie3 7,after a slight pause as though to confess47 ,well1 ,i'll tell you4 ,there was three of us1 me1 ,jesse ,james1 and ,christopher ,columbus4 7,looks first at ,,inspector then to ,,perkins47 ,ah1 put it down on your little yellow paper4 ,,inspector3 7,angrily47 ,answers like that'll get you nothing here4 ,,goldie3 ,see1 you won't believe me when ,i tell you4 ,,inspector3 ,silence1 ,i say6 7,to ,o',,mara47 ,take her down4 7,,goldie rises from chair leisurely and strolls impudently ,l4 as she comes to ,,brooky47 ,oh1 poo6 poo6 ,,inspector3 7,stopping ,,goldie at door ,l47 ,and you'll stay down unless you have a confession to make4 ,,goldie3 7,at door ,l47 ,say1 ,inspector1 if you're waitin' for a confession from me1 you'll wait until pigs fly kites4 7,exit door ,l4 ,,goldie followed by ,o',,mara47 7,,perkins and ,,brooky look off after them47 ,,brooky3 ,what a little terror6 ,,perkins3 ,looks mighty like her work1 doesn't it1 ,inspector8 ,,inspector3 ,no6 ,the job has all the ear marks of the ,eel1 but she undoubtedly is his accomplice4 7,enter ,,mrs4 ,,worthington door ,c41 she looks around uncomfortably and as she comes down ,c41 ,,brooky and ,,perkins on seeing her1 remove their hats4 ,,inspector rises and indicates chair ,r4 ,c47 ,ah6 ,mrs4 ,worthington6 7,indicating ,reporters47 ,have you any objection to talking for publication8 ,,mrs4 ,,worthington3 7,looking toward ,reports47 ,no1 not at all4 7,,perkins has note paper and takes down as she talks47 ,,inspector3 ,will you kindly be seated8 ,and we shall proceed8 7,,mrs4 ,w4 sits47 ,now in the first place1 how long had this girl1 ,goldie ,marshall1 been in your employ8 ,,mrs4 ,,worthington3 ,just one week4 ,,inspector3 7,half aside47 ,that's about the time the ,eel was sprung4 7,to ,mrs4 ,w47 ,had you missed anything else up to the time of this robbery8 ,,mrs4 ,,worthington3 ,no1 nothing4 ,,inspector3 ,who else was in the house at the time1 besides yourself and the maid8 ,,mrs4 ,,worthington3 ,only my guests who were at dinner with me4 ,mr4 ,appleby and his wife4 ,,inspector3 ,the horseowner8 ,,mrs4 ,,worthington3 ,yes1 and a ,miss ,hazelton from ,pittsburgh4 ,,inspector3 ,would you suspect them8 ,,mrs4 ,,worthington3 ,well1 hardly4 ,,inspector3 ,anyone else8 ,,mrs4 ,,worthington3 ,yes1 ,mr4 ,dugan4 ,,inspector3 ,what ,dugan8 ,,mrs4 ,,worthington3 ,why1 your ,mr4 ,dugan here4 ,,inspector3 ,oh1 ,tim ,dugan4 ,,mrs4 ,,worthington3 ,yes1 we're great friends1 and he frequently dines at my house4 7,low murmur begins in the distance and grows louder4 ,,mrs4 ,w4 rises in fear and appeals to the ,,inspector1 who comes from behind the desk and--7 ,,inspector3 ,don't be alarmed1 ,mrs4 ,worthington1 just step behind the desk4 7,,mrs4 ,,worthington steps back of desk and sits in chair below stool4 ,,inspector replaces the chair in which ,,mrs4 ,w4 has been sitting in front of the window ,r4 ,c4 then returns to back of desk where he stands4 ,the ,,reporters at first sound show excitement1 ,,perkins goes to door ,c4 and looks off ,r4 ,b47 ,,perkins3 7,at door ,c47 ,it's ,dugan and he's got the ,eel4 7,goes down ,l4 ,c47 7,,dugan is seen out of window ,r4 bringing the ,,eel along1 who is hand-cuffed4 ,they are followed by a noisy crowd4 ,,dugan throws the ,,eel down1 ,c41 then chases the crowd away from door ,c47 ,,eel3 7,looks around smiling until he sees ,,inspector47 ,hello1 ,inspector6 ,gee6 it's real oil for the wicks of my lamps to see you again4 ,,dugan3 7,coming down ,c47 ,yes1 he's tickled to death to see you1 ain't you1 ,billy8 ,,eel3 7,angrily47 ,the ,eel to you1 ,copper2 ,billy to my pals4 ,,inspector3 ,well1 ,billy6 ,,eel3 ,that's right1 ,inspector1 you're my pal4 7,movement from ,,inspector47 ,oh1 ,i ain't forgot when you was just a plain ,bull and saved me from doin' my first bit on a phoney charge4 ,they tried to railroad me1 you remember1 and ,dugan here was runnin' the engine4 ,,inspector3 ,oh1 you've got ,dugan wrong1 ,billy1 he bears you no malice4 ,,eel3 ,no1 it's a mistake1 he just loves me4 ,say1 he thinks so much of me1 that if he saw me drowning1 he'd bring me a glass of water4 ,,dugan3 ,you know why you were brought here8 ,,eel3 ,sure1 so's you could railroad me again4 ,,inspector3 ,nonsense1 ,dugan has nothing against you personally4 ,,eel3 ,oh yes he has2 when he was new on the force1 ,i beat him up good4 ,he was only a harness cop then1 and one night he thought he made me coppin' a super from a lush1 which you know ain't my graft4 ,he started to fan me with a sap1 so ,i just clubbed my smoke wagon1 and before ,i got through with him1 ,i made him a pick-up for the ambulance1 and he ain't never forgot it4 ,,inspector3 ,what do you know about this ,worthington robbery8 7,,eel looks around suspiciously47 ,before you answer1 ,billy1 ,i warn you to be careful1 everything you say will be used against you4 ,,eel3 ,yes1 and everything ,i don't say will be used1 too4 ,i know the system4 ,,dugan3 7,crossing ,r4 to ,,eel4 ,,reporters follow47 ,well1 what have you got to say8 ,,eel3 7,taking time1 looks around47 ,you don't think ,i'm goin' to address this ,mass ,meeting here4 7,,brooky looks ,l4 to see if there is anyone else there47 ,,inspector3 ,you're not afraid to talk in front of a couple of newspaper reporters1 are you8 ,,eel3 7,grinning at ,,inspector to gain time47 ,roosevelt gets a dollar a word1 where do ,i come in8 7,resignedly47 ,all right1 flag the pencil pushers and ,i'll gab my nob4 7,,dugan turns ,l4 to tell the ,,reporters to go4 ,,brooky says he don't understand4 ,,perkins pulls him off door ,c41 remonstrating1 going ,r47 7,the ,,inspector signs to ,,dugan that they will now grill the ,,eel47 ,,inspector3 ,this lady ,i suppose you know4 ,,eel3 7,looks at ,,mrs4 ,,worthington47 ,i never lamped her before in my life4 ,,dugan3 ,that is ,mrs4 ,worthington1 the lady you robbed4 ,,eel3 7,banteringly to ,,mrs4 ,,worthington to gain time47 ,is it8 ,how do you do1 pleased to meet you4 ,gee6 but you must be an awful mark to be robbed4 7,,inspector raps on desk47 ,what was it ,i stole from you1 ,mrs4 ,worthington8 ,,dugan3 ,nix on that bull4 ,you know what you stole4 ,,eel3 ,yes1 and ,i suppose you know what ,i stole before ,i stole it4 ,,dugan3 ,with dips like you1 ,i always look far ahead4 ,,eel3 ,get out6 you couldn't look far enough ahead to see the ashes on your cigar4 ,why1 if it wasn't for your stool pigeons-- ,,dugan3 ,that's enough out of you4 ,,eel3 ,oh1 go chase yourself4 7,,dugan smashes at ,,eel1 who ducks around back of him47 ,,inspector3 ,dugan666 7,when ,dugan locates the ,,eel1 he goes after him again4 ,,mrs4 ,,worthington screams47 ,,inspector3 ,none of that1 ,dugan6 ,remember1 he had no marks on him when you brought him in4 7,,dugan crosses ,l4 in front of ,,eel and looks off door ,l4 in subdued rage47 ,a little more civility out of you1 ,bradley4 ,,eel3 ,all right1 ,inspector4 7,to ,,mrs4 ,w47 ,i beg your pardon1 lady4 ,,inspector3 ,you have been brought here as a suspect in a five thousand dollar jewelry theft which happened at the home of ,mrs4 ,worthington last night4 7,,eel makes no move47 ,circumstances point strongly in your direction4 ,your former sweetheart1 ,goldie ,marshall1 was serving as maid to ,mrs4 ,worthington at the time of the robbery4 ,,eel3 ,and you think ,i planted her there as a stall4 ,,dugan3 ,goldie spilled that much1 and we didn't1 have to third degree her4 ,,eel3 ,so ,goldie declared me in on this8 ,,inspector3 ,she couldn't help it1 we knew it was a two-man's job4 ,,eel3 ,she snitched me into a frame-up4 ,,dugan3 ,same as she did two years ago4 ,,eel3 ,why say1 ,inspector1 ,i ain't seen ,goldie since ,i was sprung from the ,pen4 ,,dugan3 ,is that so8 ,i got it straight that the first place you mozied to was ,goldie's flat on ,east ,broadway4 ,you were trailed4 ,,eel3 ,sure ,i was1 by one of you pathfinders at the ,central ,office4 ,oh1 ,i've played tag with you before2 ,dugan1 whatever you say1 is4 ,,inspector3 ,then you admit-- ,,eel3 ,i don't admit nothin'4 ,,inspector3 ,be careful what you say4 ,have you retained counsel8 ,,eel3 ,a mouthpiece6 ,what for8 ,,inspector3 ,you've got to be represented4 ,have you any money8 ,,eel3 ,sure6 ,i left the hotel of ,zebra clothed with a pocket full of smiles and a wad of joy4 7,,inspector whispers for ,o',,mara to bring up ,,goldie4 ,o',,mara exits door ,l47 ,,inspector3 ,well1 the state will furnish you with an attorney4 ,,eel3 ,what1 one of them record shysters8 ,eighty years old and never won a case4 ,no1 thanks1 ,inspector4 ,i'll plead my own case2 then ,i got at least a chance to beat this rap4 ,,dugan3 ,you'd have a swell time pleading your own case4 ,,eel3 ,yes1 and believe me ,i'll spring a sensation when ,i open up4 ,i'll show up some of this rotten graft4 ,i'll bust ,the ,system to smithereens4 ,dugan1 ,i won't be railroaded--7,,eel crosses in rage ,l4 to ,dugan47 ,,inspector3 ,bradley6 hold your tongue1 you've said enough4 ,,eel3 ,i ain't said half what ,i'm going to say-- ,,inspector3 7,fiercely47 ,not another word out of you4 ,do you understand8 ,,eel3 7,coming down47 ,all right1 ,inspector4 ,i don't want to get anybody that's right1 in bad1 but ,i've got something up my sleeve4 7,,dugan laughs and goes up stage47 7,,goldie enters door ,l4 brought in by ,o',,mara4 ,she is startled at seeing ,,eel1 then pleadingly37 ,,goldie3 ,billy6 7,,eel turns and is about to go to ,,goldie but stops47 ,,eel3 ,you snitched again6 ,you snitched again6 7,running ,l4 to ,,goldie with arms up as though to hit her with hand-cuffs4 ,,goldie snatches his upraised arms47 ,,goldie3 ,oh no1 ,billy6 ,true as ,god ,i didn't6 ,,dugan3 7,aside to ,,inspector47 ,let's leave them alone1 they'll talk4 7,,mrs4 ,,worthington1 ,,inspector1 ,,dugan and ,o',,mara exit door ,r47 ,,goldie3 7,still holding ,,eel',s arms47 ,why1 ,i'd rather die than snitch4 ,,eel3 7,jerking away and going ,r47 ,how about two years ago8 ,,goldie3 ,i didn't even then when you left me dying4 ,they framed you while ,i was in the hospital4 ,,eel3 ,who8 ,,goldie3 ,dugan and his-- ,,eel3 ,sh666 ,oh if ,i could only believe you1 kid4 ,,goldie3 ,look at me1 ,billy4 ,do you think ,i'd snitch8 ,,eel3 7,looks at her1 then pushes her head roughly back47 ,no1 ,i can't believe you did it1 kid4 7,,eel takes ,,goldie in his arms47 ,,goldie3 7,sobbingly47 ,i'm so glad to see you again4 ,,eel3 ,me1 too1 kid4 ,gee1 your head feels as natural on my shoulder as a piece of pie on a prize-fighter's knife4 7,,eel takes ,,goldie from his shoulder and says inquiringly47 ,but what are you doing here8 ,,goldie3 7,drying her tears47 ,bein' held on suspicion1 but they can't get met ,i'm protected4 ,dugan's got to-- ,,eel3 ,nix on the crackin'1 don't shoot your trap1 they're leavin' us together for a stall4 ,talk about something else4 7,,eel turns ,r4 and ,,goldie grabs his hand47 ,do you still love me8 ,,goldie3 ,always4 ,,eel3 ,will you marry me8 ,,goldie3 ,if you want me to4 ,,eel3 ,you know ,i do4 7,looks around suspiciously47 ,say1 if ,i beat this rap 7,,dugan comes1 on door ,r41 and stands at upper end of desk71 let's get spliced and go out ,west1 turn over a new leaf1 and begin life all over again1 far away from the subway world where the sun of happiness is always clouded and the ace of joy is coppered4 ,what do you say8 ,,goldie3 ,gee6 them's the kindest words you've ever said to me4 7,then lightly47 ,and ,i'll march down the aisle with you1 with my hair in a braid4 ,,eel3 ,great66 ,gee1 ,i wonder if we could make our get-away now4 7,both start for door ,c41 but ,,dugan1 who has come down behind them1 stops them47 ,,dugan3 ,how do you do6 ,would you like to take a little trip out in the air with me8 ,,goldie3 ,say1 ,i'd rather be home with the headache1 than at the ,movies with a guy like you4 7,crosses ,l47 7,,inspector enters door ,r4 going behind desk47 ,,inspector3 ,well1 have you got anything to say to me before ,i lock you up for the night8 ,,eel3 ,nothin'1 except that it's a frame-up1 and we defy you to go through with it4 ,,inspector3 ,take 'em down4 ,,dugan3 7,above door ,l47 ,come on4 7,,eel starts for door ,l47 ,,goldie3 ,good-night1 ,inspector4 ,,inspector3 ,good-night4 ,,eel3 7,turning at door ,l47 ,same from me1 ,inspector4 ,,inspector3 ,good-night1 ,bradley4 7,,dugan shoves the ,,eel roughly off4 ,,goldie circles around and switches in front of ,,dugan47 ,by the way1 ,goldie1 what's the number of your flat on ,east ,broadway8 ,,goldie3 7,hesitatingly at door ,l47 #cbg1 ,inspector4 ,,inspector3 ,thanks4 ,,goldie3 7,impudently47 ,you're welcome4 7,exit door ,l4 followed by ,,dugan47 7,o',,mara locks door after them47 ,,inspector3 7,calling ,o',,mara47 ,o',mara6 ,o',,mara3 7,at door ,l47 ,yes1 sir4 ,,inspector3 ,i want a wire installed at #cbg ,east ,broadway4 ,o',,mara3 7,in front of desk47 ,goldie's flat8 ,,inspector3 ,yes4 ,i'm leaving it to you to see that the orders are carried out to the letter4 ,o',,mara3 ,yes1 sir1 to-morrow4 ,,inspector3 ,to-night1 at once4 ,i'm going to turn them loose4 ,you understand8 ,o',,mara3 7,looks puzzled1 then face brightens47 ,i understand4 ,,dark ,,change ,,scene ,,ii ,,street ,,scene1 ,,in ,,east ,,broadway ,showing flat house with stoop4 ,time3 ,the same evening4 ,a small boy enters ,l4 with bottle of milk1 goes up steps door ,c41 rings bell1 clicker sounds1 and he exits door ,c4 ,,maggie enters door ,c4 ,she is an ,east side janitress4 ,she has a tin pail on her arm around which is wrapped newspaper4 ,she walks off ,l4 ,,perkins and ,,brooky are heard off ,r47 ,,perkins3 7,entering ,r4 briskly47 ,come on1 ,brooky1 don't be so slow4 ,,brooky3 7,straggling in after ,,perkins47 ,i say1 old chap1 this sort of work is most laborious4 ,this flitting from one tram to another1 and being jostled and ordered to step lively by vulgar guards1 and running1 yes actually running4 ,it's not only bad taste1 old man1 but positively undignified4 7,dusting shoes with handkerchief1 ,l41 ,,perkins is up in vestibule of door ,c47 ,,perkins3 ,if you want to supply your paper with live news1 you've got to keep hustling4 ,,brooky3 ,very true1 but it seems such a waste of energy4 ,,perkins3 7,coming down to ,,brooky47 ,no energy is wasted that is productive of flaring headlines4 ,now take that note pad ,i gave you1 and get your pencil busy with a description of this neighborhood4 7,goes ,r4 making notes47 ,,brooky3 7,taking paper and pencil from pockets after a search for them47 ,this is more like being a ,scotland ,yarder than a reporter4 ,,perkins3 ,a ,scotland ,yarder6 ,,brooky3 ,i should say detective4 ,,perkins3 7,coming ,l47 ,let me tell you something1 ,brooky4 ,the reporters and newspapers unravel more cases than the police4 ,,brooky3 ,i dare say you do4 ,you're so damned inquisitive4 ,,perkins3 ,it isn't inquisitiveness1 my boy1 it's just being on the level with the public4 ,,brooky3 7,laughing47 ,you know1 some great man said1 ,the public be damned4 ,,perkins3 ,he wasn't a great man1 he was an ignorant man4 ,the public will stand for just so much1 then look out2 let your mind wander back to the history of the ,french ,revolution4 ,an infuriated public is the most ferocious blood-lapping animal in the earth's jungle4 ,,brooky3 ,perky1 ,i adore your descriptive talents4 ,,perkins3 7,going up into vestibule and ringing bell47 ,you make me sick4 ,,brooky3 ,but surely you're not going to enter that apartment house unannounced8 ,,perkins3 ,no1 ,i'll tell them a couple of reporters want some news1 then you'll hear language no paper can print4 ,,brooky3 ,why1 are they all foreigners8 ,,perkins3 ,say1 ,brooky1 you're a perfect ass4 ,,brooky3 ,no1 my dear fellow1 none of us are perfect4 ,,perkins3 7,coming down out of vestibule to ,,brooky47 ,now listen1 ,i told you that ,i had inside information that the ,,eel and ,,goldie were to be released1 that's why ,i hustled you over here4 ,i could have come alone1 but ,i let you in on a big scoop for your paper4 ,,brooky3 ,righto1 old chap1 righto2 but what bothers me is1 what's it all about8 ,,perkins3 ,it's about time you got next to yourself4 ,,brooky3 ,another impossible metaphor1 my dear fellow2 how can one get next to one's self without being twins8 ,,perkins3 ,brooky1 ,englishmen as a rule are thick1 but you are a density of thickness that is impenetrable4 ,,brooky3 ,yes1 ,i know ,i am a rare sort4 ,,perkins3 ,now1 we haven't time to argue a lot of piffle4 ,the girl isn't in yet1 there's no answer to my ring1 so let's stroll around and come back later4 7,exit ,r47 ,,brooky3 7,not seeing that ,,perkins has gone47 ,righto6 old man1 we'll stroll1 for if there's anything that ,i like1 its having a nice little--7,seeing that ,,perkins is gone47 ,perkins6 you said stroll4 ,don't run1 don't run1 it's so damned undignified4 7,exit ,r47 7,enter ,l41 ,o',,mara dressed in citizen's clothes4 ,he looks at number on house then motions off for ,,tom to come on4 ,,tom comes on ,l41 they go up into vestibule and look for names on bells4 ,enter ,officer ,,flynn1 stealthily47 ,,flynn3 ,come on1 now1 you don't live there1 ,i've had my eye on you for five minutes4 ,o',,mara3 7,coming down from vestibule to ,,flynn47 ,well1 keep your eye on something else1 if you know what's good for you4 7,takes badge out of pocket47 ,,flynn3 7,surprised47 ,central ,officer6 7,whistles and walks off ,r47 ,o',,mara3 7,returning to vestibule47 ,ring any bell8 ,,tom3 ,no1 her flat's on the second floor1 so ,i'll ring up the top flat4 7,,tom rings the bell and sound of electric door opener is heard1 they both exit door ,c47 7,,flynn strolls back on from ,r4 ad ,,maggie enters from ,l47 ,,flynn3 ,hello1 ,maggie6 been out to get the evening paper8 ,there is not much in it4 ,,maggie3 ,there's enough in it to quench me thirst after a hard day's work4 ,,flynn3 ,i see you've got the paper wrapped around something good4 ,,maggie3 ,i have that1 and it's meself instead of the paper'll be wrapped around it in a minute4 7,light goes up in window above47 ,,flynn3 ,i see you've got a new tenant4 ,is she hard on you8 ,,maggie3 ,divel-a-bit6 ,she's a nice respectable dacent girl1 and aisy to get along with4 ,i never seen her with no men folks4 ,maybe she's a widdy1 as ,i'd like to be4 ,,flynn3 ,a widow8 ,what's the matter with your old man8 ,,maggie3 ,he ain't worth powder enough to blow up a cock-roach4 ,,flynn3 ,is he working8 ,,maggie3 ,he ain't done a tap since the civil war4 ,,flynn3 ,that's quite a vacation4 ,,maggie3 ,vacation8 ,it's a life sentence of laziness4 ,,flynn3 ,there's many a good man layin' off4 ,,maggie3 ,no1 the good men are dyin' off1 it's the bums that are layin' off4 ,,flynn3 7,looking at house47 ,well1 the landlord of this house ain't particular about his tenants4 ,,maggie3 ,not a bit1 it's been a nest for thieves ever since ,i came here4 ,,flynn3 ,well1 they've got to live somewhere1 the jails are overcrowded4 ,,maggie3 ,oh1 ,i don't mind thim1 they can steal nothin' from me but me old man1 and they're welcome to him without usin' a jimmy4 ,,flynn3 ,a jimmy8 ,you're getting on to the thief slang4 ,,maggie3 ,why wouldn't ,i8 ,that's all ,i hear mornin' and night from ,tommy the ,rat1 ,tim the ,flim1 and ,john the ,con4 ,,flynn3 ,you know all their monakers8 ,,maggie3 ,i do that4 ,say1 they've given me a monaker1 too4 ,,flynn3 ,what do they call you8 ,,maggie3 ,mag the ,jag4 ,,flynn3 7,laughs47 ,well1 ,i must be off4 7,starts off ,r47 ,,maggie3 7,as she goes up into vestibule47 ,won't you come in and have a sup of beer and a pull at the old man's pipe8 ,,flynn3 ,i can't1 ,i've got a stationary post4 ,,maggie3 ,look at that now1 that shows where you stand4 ,good-night1 ,john4 ,,flynn3 ,good-night1 ,maggie4 7,exits ,r47 7,enter ,,eel and ,,goldie arm in arm1 talking earnestly4 ,as they come to steps1 ,,goldie goes up and unlocks door4 ,,eel sees ,,flynn coming up on ,r41 he lights cigarette and motions to go in4 ,,goldie exits door ,c4 ,,flynn comes up to ,,eel1 who throws the match in his face and disappears door ,c4 as ,,flynn is rubbing his eyes47 ,,dark ,,change ,,scene ,,iii ,,same ,,night1 ,,interior ,,of ,,goldie',s ,,flat ,living room1 bedroom1 and kitchen can be seen4 ,at rise1 ,o',,mara and ,,tom are installing the dictagraph1 on wall ,l4 ,c4 ,,tom is standing on chair ,l4 ,c4 ,he places the instrument--then runs his hand down to wire47 ,,tom3 ,all right1 ,jim1 hand me that picture4 ,o',,mara3 7,c4 handing ,,tom framed picture47 ,here you are1 ,tom4 ,,tom3 7,hangs picture over dictagraph1 gets off of chair and backs off1 seeing if it's placed right47 ,there1 that'll do1 ,i guess4 ,o',,mara3 ,nobody would ever suspect anything's been happening here4 ,,tom3 7,picking up bits of wire and tools from floor ,l4 ,c4 ,o',,mara puts chair ,,tom has been standing on1 ,r4 and brings bag ,c47 ,pick up these pieces4 ,did you give the ,inspector the office8 ,o',,mara3 ,twenty minutes ago4 ,,tom3 7,putting scraps into bag47 ,the job took a little longer than ,i thought it would4 ,o',,mara3 7,closing bag and handing it to ,,tom47 ,yes1 and we'd better get a gait on out of here1 or the ,,eel and his girl will be walkin' in on us4 7,door slams off stage47 ,,both3 ,what's that6 ,o',,mara3 ,it must be them6 ,,tom3 7,starts for door ,r47 ,o',,mara3 ,we can't go that way4 ,,tom3 7,indicating the window ,l47 ,the fire escape1 quick4 7,,tom crosses quickly to window ,l41 opens it1 and goes through47 ,o',,mara3 7,follows ,,tom1 but stops at window ,l47 ,wait a minute6 7,goes back1 turns out light1 then goes through window1 closing it after him47 7,footsteps begin on steps off stage as ,o',,mara pulls down window47 ,stage is in darkness but for the moonlight that streams in through window ,l4 ,steps sound closer4 ,key rattles and door is unlocked4 ,door ,r4 opens just a bit at first1 then ,,goldie enters1 followed by the ,,eel47 ,,eel3 7,holding ,,goldie back47 ,wait a minute1 kid1 till ,i strike a match4 ,,goldie3 ,oh1 never mind1 ,billy1 ,i don't need one4 7,gropes her way ,c4 and turns on light4 ,,eel stays at door ,r4 listening to hear if they are followed47 ,home again6 ,gee6 but that guy what said ther ain't no place like home must have travelled some4 ,,eel3 7,turning around47 ,yep6 ,gee1 but this is some swell dump you got here1 ,kid6 ,,goldie3 ,ain't this classy8 7,the ,,eel hurries into bedroom and then into kitchen as though looking for some one4 ,,goldie follows him1 but stops at kitchen door47 ,what are you looking for1 the ice-box8 ,,eel3 7,coming down to ,c4 ,r4 of ,,goldie47 ,no1 it ain't that4 ,,goldie3 ,what then1 lookin' for a sleeper8 ,,eel3 ,no telling what they're up to4 ,you don't think they've given us our liberty1 without a string to it1 do you8 ,they're ,indian givers1 they are4 7,starts for door ,r47 ,,goldie3 ,gee1 ,billy6 ,i hadn't thought of that4 7,goes into bedroom and lights electric light ,l4 of bedroom off ,c47 ,,eel3 7,r4 ,c4 looking at door ,r47 ,i kind of thought ,i saw a light through the bottom of this door1 when we was coming up the stairs4 ,,goldie3 7,coming down ,c47 ,oh1 it must have been the reflection of the moon4 7,takes off hat and puts it on dresser in bedroom4 ,,eel crosses room backwards to ,l41 holding hand in moonlight to make the shadow on bottom of door4 ,,goldie watches him4 ,,eel then turns to window and ,,goldie looks under bed47 ,,eel3 7,excitedly47 ,this latch is sprung4 ,,goldie3 ,i must have left it open1 when they hiked me down to the club house4 ,,eel3 ,are you sure8 ,,goldie3 ,,sure6 ,,eel3 7,going down ,l47 ,well1 then1 ,i guess we're all right for the present at least4 ,,goldie3 7,coming down ,c4 with travelling bag which she has taken off of bed47 ,yes1 until ,dugan finds out we've been sprung1 and then he'll be after us like a cat after a mouse4 7,puts bag on table up ,r47 ,,eel3 ,we'll be on a rattler for ,chi1 before that4 ,how long will it take you to pack8 ,,goldie3 7,going into bedroom47 ,about a half hour4 ,,eel3 ,that's good4 ,if ,dugan does go after us 7,chuckles471 he's got to get us first4 ,,goldie3 7,coming down ,c4 with kimono which she has taken from door ,c4 in bedroom1 and is folding47 ,say1 ,billy1 ,i guess ,i'd better lock this door4 7,starts for door1 but his next line stops her47 ,,eel3 ,he can't break in here without a search warrant1 and he can't get that before ,monday4 7,lying down on couch47 ,,goldie3 ,well1 what's he going to get it on then8 7,putting kimono in bag on table ,r41 picking up a pair of shoes from the floor near table1 but the ,,eel's next line stops her47 ,,eel3 7,still on couch47 ,you ought to know ,dugan well enough by this time4 ,he'll get something on us1 leave it to him4 ,,goldie3 7,stopping thoughtfully in door ,c41 then throwing shoes on floor near bed decisively and coming down ,c47 ,if he does1 ,i'll turn squealer for the first time in my life4 ,,eel3 7,jumping off of couch quickly47 ,don't you do it4 ,i could never look you square in the eyes again if you did4 ,,goldie3 ,it ain't no worse to squeal than it is to steal4 ,,eel3 ,yes1 it is1 ,kid1 ,god'll forgive a thief1 but he hates a squealer4 ,,goldie3 ,maybe you're right1 ,billy4 ,well1 ,i guess we'd better get a move on4 7,going into bedroom and getting hair brush off of dresser47 ,we can't get out of here any too soon to suit me4 7,putting brush in bag on ,table ,r41 then smiling at ,,eel47 ,,eel3 ,you betcher6 7,goes to mantle ,l4 and leans against it thoughtfully47 ,,goldie3 7,coming ,c47 ,what's on your mind now8 ,,eel3 ,i was just thinkin' of that first job ,i'd have to do when we get to ,chi4 ,,goldie3 ,what do you mean8 ,,eel3 ,gee1 ,goldie1 ,i hate to go back to the old life4 7,sits on sofa ,l47 ,,goldie3 ,old life8 ,i thought you said we was goin' to begin all over again1 and live like decent1 respectable people8 ,,eel3 ,i know1 but you've got to have money to be respectable4 ,,goldie3 ,well1 we'll get the money4 ,,eel3 ,that's what ,i hate about it4 ,having to get it that way4 ,,goldie3 ,but ,billy1 ,i mean honestly1 work for it4 ,,eel3 7,rising and coming ,r47 ,yes1 but supposing we can't get work8 ,and supposing we can't hold it after we do get it8 ,,goldie3 ,if they go digging into our past1 it'll be tough rowing4 ,but there 7caressing ,,eel471 don't let's worry till we come to the bridge4 ,wait until we get to ,chicago4 7,goes into bedroom and takes down coat which is hanging on door ,c47 ,,eel3 7,lies on couch ,l47 ,have you got enough cale to carry us over there8 ,,goldie3 7,brushing off coat at door ,c47 ,what8 ,,eel3 ,i say1 have you got enough money to hold us till we get to ,chi8 ,,goldie3 7,c4 looking in surprise47 ,why no1 ,billy1 ,i ain't got no money4 ,,eel3 7,surprised1 slowly rising from couch to sitting position47 ,what8 ,,goldie3 ,i ain't got a cent4 ,i thought you had the sugar4 ,,eel3 ,me8 ,,goldie3 ,,ain',t you got no money neither8 ,,eel3 7,throwing away cigarette and going ,r47 ,i ain't got enough money to buy the controlling interest in a rotten egg4 7,goldie throws coat on couch47 ,how about that necklace8 ,,goldie3 ,why1 ,dugan's got it4 ,,eel3 ,well1 how about your share8 ,,goldie3 ,well1 he promised ,i was going to get five hundred out of it1 but now that you're sprung1 ,i suppose ,i'll have to whistle for it4 ,,eel3 ,well1 ,i see where ,i have to get to work before we get to ,chicago4 ,,goldie3 7,turning him around quickly47 ,what do you mean8 ,,eel3 ,well1 we've got to get to ,chi1 and as the railroads are very particular1 somebody'll have to pay our fares4 ,i won't be long4 7,crosses ,l4 in front of ,,goldie and gets hat and coat off of sofa4 ,,goldie runs to door ,r41 then as ,,eel turns37 ,,goldie3 ,oh no1 no1 don't1 please don't4 ,we're going to be good1 you said so yourself4 ,we're going to travel the straight road4 ,,eel3 7,c4 with hat and coat in hand47 ,but that road won't take us to ,chi4 7,pause47 ,you see1 there's no other way out of it4 7,starts toward door but ,,goldie stops him pleadingly47 ,,goldie3 ,oh no1 you musn't1 you shan't4 ,i won't go with you if you do4 ,i won't go6 ,i won't go6 7,becomes hysterical1 pounds on door1 then begins to cry47 ,,eel3 7,putting arm around her47 ,there1 there1 don't cry4 ,look6 7,he turns her around and then puts his hat and coat in chair above door ,r47 7,,goldie takes his hands in relief ,the ,,eel pats her cheek47 ,you see1 ,i'll do as you say4 7,crossing down ,c47 ,i'll cut it out4 ,,goldie3 7,following the ,,eel and putting her arms around him47 ,i knew you would4 ,,eel3 ,oh1 you did8 ,well1 what's the next move8 ,,goldie3 ,i don't know1 ,billy4 ,,eel3 ,there you are4 7,crosses ,l47 ,we're no better off than we were before4 ,by ,monday1 ,dugan'll have me back in the ,tombs1 maybe on a charge of murder4 ,you know that he ain't going to rest while ,i'm loose4 ,,goldie3 ,then why not let me end it all8 ,,eel3 ,not by squealing4 ,,goldie3 ,it will be that sooner or later4 ,,eel3 7,coming ,r4 slowly47 ,no1 the best way is to let me go out and get some money4 7,crossing ,,goldie and going toward hat and coat on chair ,r47 ,,goldie3 7,stopping him47 ,but1 ,billy1 you promised me-- ,,eel3 7,turning to ,,goldie47 ,i don't mean to rob anybody 7,scratches head in puzzled way1 then brightly1 as thought strikes him71 ,i mean to borrow it4 ,,goldie3 7,joyfully47 ,borrow it8 ,,eel3 ,yes1 ,i'll knock a guy down1 strip him of his leather1 get his name and address1 then when we get to ,chicago1 ,i'll send it back to him4 ,,goldie3 7,shaking her head and smiling47 ,oh no1 it won't do4 ,,eel3 ,why8 ,,goldie3 ,you might forget his address4 7,going up ,c4 into bedroom47 ,now1 you come and help me pack the trunk4 7,stopping47 ,oh ,billy1 come help me pull this trunk in there4 7,disappearing to ,r4 of trunk4 ,,eel comes and takes ,l4 end and they carry it into living room and place it ,c4 under chandelier to open up stage4 ,as they carry it down stage she speaks47 ,there are a few more things to go in4 ,,eel3 7,as they set trunk down47 ,i've got it4 ,,goldie3 ,what8 ,,eel3 ,i know where ,i can get that money4 ,go,l,dffi3 ,where8 ,,eel3 ,isaacson4 ,,goldie3 ,what ,isaacson8 ,,eel3 ,why the fence on ,second ,ave4 ,i'm aces with him4 ,,goldie3 ,yes1 but what have you got to pawn8 ,,eel3 ,i don't need nothing4 ,i've thrown thousands of dollars his way in business1 he'll lend me a century sure4 ,i'll be back in fifteen minutes4 7,goes to chair and gets coat and hat1 then starts for door ,r47 ,,goldie3 ,wait6 7,crosses to mantel ,l4 and gets keys from up stage end47 ,here1 take my keys4 7,coming back to ,c4 above trunk where ,,eel meets her putting on coat and hat47 ,to make sure1 we'd better work on signals4 ,,eel3 7,taking keys47 ,how do you mean8 ,,goldie3 ,in case anything happens while you're gone1 when you come back1 ring the bell downstairs three times4 ,if ,i don't answer1 everything's ,o4 ,k41 come up2 but if ,i do answer1 don't come up1 see8 ,,eel3 ,if you don't answer1 everything's all right1 come up2 but if you do answer1 don't come up4 ,,goldie3 ,that's it4 ,,eel3 ,i got you4 7,goes to door ,r4 ,opens it quickly to see if anyone is there4 ,closes door1 footsteps are heard in hall1 then going downstairs1 then door slams47 ,,goldie3 7,listens intently until door slams1 then begins to pack trunk4 ,opens trunk first4 ,gets jacket from couch where she has thrown it1 puts it in trunk4 ,goes up into bedroom and gets skirt which hangs out of sight on end of dresser4 ,comes down ,c4 shaking skirt4 ,long1 low whistle stops her1 then club raps47 ,bull's66 7,looks up at light burning1 turns it out and closes the trunk at the same time4 ,stands still until she sees the shadow of man's hand in the moonlight on the wall ,r4 ,frightened exclamation1 then cowers on sofa4 ,,dugan appears at window1 looks in1 then raises window and enters1 closing window after him4 ,takes gun out of pocket1 then goes up into kitchen and bedroom4 ,at door ,c4 he sees ,,goldie1 points gun at her47 ,,dugan3 ,ah6 7,,goldie springs to her feet with frightened exclamation1 and ,,dugan says37 don't squawk or ,i'll pop sure6 ,,goldie3 7,nervously47 ,me squawk8 ,what do you think ,i am1 a school teacher8 ,,dugan3 7,goes to door ,r41 opens it to see if anyone is there1 closes it and locks door4 ,comes to ,c41 turns on light1 then puts gun in pocket4 ,coming ,l4 to ,,goldie47 ,i don't want to frighten you4 ,,goldie3 7,l4 nervously47 ,i know1 but one look at you would scare some people to death4 ,,dugan3 ,am ,i that homely8 ,,goldie3 ,homely8 ,why an undershot bulldog is a peacock1 'long side of you4 ,,dugan3 ,ain't ,i welcome8 ,,goldie3 ,you're about as welcome as a rainy holiday4 7,sits on sofa47 ,,dugan3 ,say1 ,goldie1 we've been almost more than friends in the last two years4 ,,goldie3 ,you mean almost friends4 7,rising47 ,never more4 ,dugan1 you know why ,i've been your go-between in the ,system4 ,because you promised to let up on the ,eel4 ,,dugan3 ,i'll never let up on him4 ,he's a crook4 ,,goldie3 ,well1 what are you8 7,turns ,l4 away from ,,dugan47 ,,dugan3 ,don't get sore1 ,goldie4 ,you know ,i want you for myself4 7,puts his arms around ,,goldie',s waist47 ,,goldie3 ,well1 you're wasting time4 7,pulls savagely away from him and crosses ,r47 ,,dugan3 7,following ,,goldie ,r47 ,am ,i8 ,i'll get you1 or ,i'll send you both up for years4 ,,goldie3 7,savagely into ,,dugan's face47 ,is that why you had me steal that necklace8 ,,dugan3 ,yes1 if you want to know it1 ,i've been trying for two years to get something on you1 and now ,i've got you4 ,,goldie3 ,well1 suppose ,i squeal4 ,,dugan3 ,it's my word against yours1 the word of an officer against a crook4 ,,goldie3 ,say1 ,dugan1 if looks of contempt would hurt a man's feelings1 ,i'd disable you with a squint4 7,,dugan goes ,l41 getting necklace out of pocket2 ,,goldie is in panic for fear ,,eel will ring the bell1 but she crosses and sits on trunk47 ,,dugan3 ,goldie1 this necklace will bring four thousand dollars from a ,buffalo fence1 and if you'll say three words1 ,i love you1 the price is yours4 ,won't you say them1 ,goldie8 ,just three words8 ,,goldie3 7,thinks it over1 then looks at ,,dugan47 ,go--to--,hell4 ,,dugan3 7,going ,l4 puts back necklace and takes out red wallet1 then comes ,c4 to ,,goldie47 ,well1 how does this strike you8 ,here's twenty thousand dollars4 ,it's all yours for the asking4 ,twenty thousand dollars4 7,sits on trunk beside ,,goldie47 ,,goldie3 ,gee1 but you're doing a land office business4 ,,dugan3 ,i've got no kick coming4 ,why say1 ,i can take care of you in real style4 ,why waste your time on the ,,eel8 ,i can make more money in a week than he can steal in a year4 ,,goldie3 ,that's because you're a better thief than he is4 7,rises and goes ,r47 ,,dugan3 ,i wouldn't say that4 7,following ,,goldie ,r47 ,come on1 ,goldie 7putting his arms around her1 with purse in front of her face71 what's the answer8 ,,goldie3 7,apparently weakening47 ,twenty thousand dollars6 ,gee1 that's a lot of money1 and ,i could live right4 ,,dugan3 7,greedily1 as though he has won her47 ,sure you could4 ,i'd set you up like a ,queen1 and between us we could milk the ,tenderloin dry4 ,,goldie3 ,but the ,eel8 ,,dugan3 7,crossing ,l4 and putting wallet away47 ,i'll attend to him6 7,then to ,,goldie who has come ,l47 ,listen to this6 ,ten minutes after you two were turned loose1 an old man was beaten and robbed1 not two blocks from here4 ,he never came to6 7,,goldie backs ,r4 in horror4 ,,dugan follows47 ,he died on his way to ,bellevue4 ,do you know who the murderer is8 ,i'm here to arrest him on the charge of murder4 ,,goldie3 7,in mad rage47 ,you lie1 ,dugan6 ,billy said you'd frame him1 but you won't this time--7,,goldie flies at ,,dugan as though to scratch his eyes out1 but he struggles with her and throws her to the floor ,l47 ,no1 ,dugan1 not murder1 that would mean the chair6 7,,goldie on knees pleading to ,,dugan4 ,bell rings three times1 they both start4 ,,dugan puzzled and surprised1 and ,,goldie terror-stricken1 wondering what to do4 ,then the thought of the bell on the wall comes4 ,looking at ,,dugan with a forced smile and still on the floor47 ,oh1 ,i wonder who that can be8 7,by the last two words she is on her feet and makes a dash for the bell up ,l41 but ,,dugan reaches it firse47 ,,dugan3 ,no1 you don't4 ,i'm wise4 ,if ,i answer1 don't come up4 7,,goldie1 in disgusted rage1 goes down to head of couch1 followed by ,,dugan47 ,old stuff1 ,goldie4 ,let him come1 ,i want him4 7,door slams off stage4 ,,goldie starts and ,,dugan goes to door ,r4 and unlocks it4 ,they both stand rigid4 ,,dugan with gun in hand1 while footsteps come nearer4 ,as door opens and ,,eel enters47 ,,goldie3 ,look out1 ,billy6 7,,dugan grabs ,,eel',s hand and throws him in the room and locks the door4 ,while he is doing this ,,eel runs across room over trunk and disappears behind sofa4 ,when ,,dugan turns1 he can't locate ,,eel and points gun up into bedroom47 ,,dugan3 ,hands up1 ,billy6 ,hands up6 7,he then locates ,,eel behind sofa47 ,i won't tell you again6 ,hands up6 7,the ,,eel holds hands up and appears behind sofa47 7,,goldie is up ,c4 behind trunk47 ,goldie1 frisk him clean4 7,,goldie protests47 ,come on6 ,come on6 7,,dugan points gun at ,,eel1 and ,,goldie runs to him and goes through his pockets4 ,she finds tobacco bag which she hands to ,,dugan4 ,he doesn't take it1 and she drops it on floor47 ,get to his gun pocket4 ,get to his gun pocket4 7,,goldie hesitates1 then goes to ,,eel',s hip pocket1 where she finds a roll of money4 ,she tries to put it back but ,,dugan sees it47 ,come on1 hand it over4 7,,goldie appeals to the ,,eel who pantomimes to do so1 and she hands it to ,,dugan47 ,this is the money he took from the man he killed4 7,putting money into red wallet and returning wallet to pocket47 ,,eel3 ,do you think ,i'd frisk a stiff8 ,let me tell you something1 ,dugan4 7,throwing hat on floor47 ,you staked me two years ago in the ,pen1 and then tried to make me believe that ,goldie was in on the frame4 ,you lied like a yellow dog1 ,dugan1 and you know it4 ,yes1 ,i am a crook and a thief1 and ,i've robbed a lot of people1 but ,i'm just a little bit above you1 ,dugan1 just a little bit above you4 ,because1 ,i never took money from a woman1 and that's part of your graft4 7,,dugan takes out gun as though to hit ,,eel with it4 ,,goldie grabs his arm and bites his hand and he drops the gun2 ,noise begins off stage4 ,,goldie runs to door ,r4 while ,,eel and ,,dugan struggle4 ,,dugan throws ,,eel off and goes toward window ,l4 ,,eel sees gun on floor ,r41 runs and gets it1 but ,,goldie prevents his shooting it4 ,the ,police break in the door at this point4 ,one catches ,,goldie as she is running toward the window ,l4 ,another1 who comes through the window1 catches the ,,eel4 ,the ,inspector stands at door ,r41 crowd back of him4 ,,dugan comes down to him47 ,,dugan3 ,well1 ,inspector1 ,i got him4 ,he robbed and croaked an old man4 ,i got him with the goods on6 ,,inspector3 ,let these people go6 7,pointing to ,,dugan47 ,there's your man1 arrest him6 7,,goldie and the ,,eel are released47 ,,dugan3 ,inspector1 you've got nothing on me4 ,,inspector3 ,no8 7,crossing to ,,dugan47 ,well1 there's a dictagraph in this room 7,,goldie rushes into ,,eel',s arms471 and we've got everything on you1 you dog4 ,you're a disgrace to all mankind4 ,it is unclean curs like you that have bred a cancer in the department1 and pointed the finger of suspicion at ten thousand honest policemen4 ,but that cancer must be cut out1 and the operation begins now4 ,take him away4 7,policemen hand-cuff ,,dugan1 who struggles1 then resignedly walks off1 preceded and followed by police4 ,the ,,inspector follows them1 but stops and turns at door ,r47 ,well1 ,billy6 7,,eel and ,,goldie come ,c4 and stand in front of trunk47 ,,eel3 ,well1 ,inspector8 ,,inspector3 ,if you're going to live square1 stick to it4 7,,eel takes ,,goldie',s hand47 ,i never want to see you at headquarters again4 7,,eel drops his head and ,,goldie puts her arm around him47 ,i won't even need you as a witness4 ,the dictagraph has recorded all4 7,,eel and ,,goldie pleased47 ,good-night6 7,,inspector exits1 closing door after him47 ,,eel and ,,goldie3 ,good-night1 ,inspector6 7,they both listen until his footsteps die off1 and door slams4 ,then ,,eel runs to door to listen1 and ,,goldie sits dejectedly on trunk47 ,,goldie3 ,well1 we're broke again4 7,tearfully47 ,we can't go ,west now1 so there's no use packing4 7,the ,,eel goes stealthily to window ,l41 looks out1 pulls dictagraph from wall1 then comes down ,r4 of ,,goldie who is sitting on trunk and has watched him4 ,he taps her on the shoulder1 taking ,,dugan',s red wallet out of pocket47 ,,eel3 ,go right ahead and pack6 7,,goldie looks astounded1 and begins to laugh47 ,,curtain ,first picture4 7,both sitting on trunk counting money47 ,a ,,persian ,,garden ,a ,,musical ,,comedy ,,in ,,one ,,act ,,books ,,and ,,lyrics ,,by ,,edgar ,,allan ,,woolf ,author of ,the ,lollard1 ,the ,lady of the ,press1 ,a ,college ,proposition1 ,master ,willie ,hewes1 or ,the ,lady of the ,sonnets1 ,etc41 ,etc4 ,,music ,,by ,,anatol ,,friedland ,composer of ,my ,little ,dream ,girl1 ,my ,sweet ,adair1 ,etc41 ,etc4 ,a ,,persian ,,garden ,,characters 7,order in which they appear47 ,,rose ,,dudley ,,stanford ,,letty ,,phil ,,betty ,,dowleh ,,sheik ,,abu ,,mirzah ,,nehmid ,,duckin ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler ,,hamilton ,,schuyler ,,paul ,,morgan ,,scene ,the ,rose ,gardens of the ,american ,legation in ,persia--the entrance to the building on left4 ,large ,persian jardinieres on right with a large ,persian ,rose ,tree4 ,,opening ,,number ,,rose3 ,the ,girl in the ,persian ,rug4 ,after number off stage is heard in old man's voice3 ,illa au ,rose aboukar4 ,,girls3 7,running up47 ,oh--here comes the old ,sheik now4 7,enter the old ,,sheik ,,abu ,,mirzah preceded by ,persian servant47 ,,abu3 ,ah--ma ,rosa ,persh--ma waf to be--to-morrow we marry1 eh8 7,the ,,sheik carries eartrumpet47 ,,rose3 7,running from him in alarm47 ,oh1 don't touch me--don't--don't6 7,they are both yelling at each other as ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler enters first arch and sees ,,rose',s actions--she is flashy--an ex-chorus girl--married to the retiring consul47 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,say1 tie a can to that duet4 ,what's the matter8 ,,rose3 7,crossing to her47 ,oh1 ,mrs4 ,schuyler1 ,i won't marry him--,i hate him6 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,oh1 the poor old prune4 7,crossing to ,,abu1 garrulously47 ,how are you1 ,sheik8 ,our little ward1 ,rose1 is so young and foolish6 ,but ,i was just that innocent when ,i was in the chorus4 ,when ,i came out of it1 believe me1 ,i was a different woman4 7,enter ,persian servant47 ,,servant3 ,the new consul wants to know when we are going to move out-- ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,not till after ,rose's wedding to-morrow4 7,,rose utters exclamation of rage1 slaps the ,,sheik',s face and exits47 ,i was just that emotional until ,i'd been married a few times--,come1 ,sheik--my husband won't return from ,tabris till this evening--join me in a cocktail4 7,she illustrates drink in pantomime47 ,,abu3 7,understanding pantomime47 ,yes6 ,yes6 7,,letty and ,,betty go up to table and chair ,c47 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,mousta1 two cocktails on my back porch4 ,come1 ,sheik--,sheik6 7,business with girls47 ,this way to the dog house4 7,takes hold of chain on his ear trumpet and passes him in4 ,girls have gone off47 ,oh--and1 ,mousta--don't put any cherries in--they take up too much room in the glass4 7,she exits one way--,waiter1 another47 7,,music4 ,entrance of men47 ,,paul3 7,entering with ,,dudley47 ,well1 there are some beautiful girls in our new ,persian home--has ,phil brought our things from the boat8 ,phil6 ,phil6 7,phil enters with all the luggage47 ,,phil3 7,meekly47 ,here ,i am1 sir4-- ,,paul3 7,as if brushing mosquitoes away47 ,oh gee6 these ,persian mosquitoes6 7,finally kills one on his own face47 ,,phil3 7,hungrily47 ,when are we going to have lunch1 sir8 ,,paul3 ,well1 there are several little things ,i want you to do first4 7,whacking him on one side of face47 ,another mosquito4 ,,phil3 7,gratefully47 ,oh1 thank you1 sir4 ,,dudley3 ,paul1 you look as if you were mashed on that ,madison girl--7,sees mosquito on ,,phil's face47 ,another mosquito4 7,whacks him on other side of face47 ,,phil3 ,oh1 thank you1 sir--,i have never seen such extreme kindness4 7,both whack him this time--one on each side of face47 ,,paul3 ,ho6 ,ho6 ,two of them this time4 ,,phil3 ,probably twins4 ,,dudley3 ,i'll go in and see when the retiring consul will move out4 ,,paul3 ,all right1 and ,i'll get a bite of luncheon awhile4 7,,dudley exits47 ,,phil3 7,hungrily47 ,oh--are you going to have your luncheon alone8 7,,paul sees mosquito on ,,phil--is about to kill it--,,phil falls back47 ,ah--let it live--let it live4 ,,paul3 ,now--you run in the house and take our things out of the grips4 ,,phil3 ,is there any other little thing ,i can do for you8 ,,paul3 ,not till after ,i've had my lunch4 ,,phil3 ,thank you1 sir6 7,,phil looks a starved look at him--exits into house--stumbling over bundles47 7,,rose is heard singing off-stage chorus of ,my ,little ,persian ,rose--enters humming47 ,,paul3 7,as he hears her singing47 ,it's ,miss ,madison--,i know her sweet voice6 ,,rose3 7,as she enters and sees ,,paul1 she stops singing1 embarrassed47 ,oh1 ,i didn't know you were here4 7,the music continues faintly in orchestra47 ,,paul3 ,i'm not--,i'm in heaven when ,i hear you sing4 ,,rose3 ,oh1 ,i hope you don't mean my singing kills you4 ,,paul3 ,no--for then1 ,i'm afraid ,i wouldn't be in heaven4 ,what was that song8 ,,rose3 ,an old ,persian poet taught me the words4 ,,paul3 7,ardently47 ,oh1 how ,i love--those words4 ,are you going back to ,america with ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,schuyler8 ,,rose3 7,sadly47 ,no1 ,i must stay here in ,persia4 ,,paul3 7,forgetting himself47 ,hooray6 ,,rose3 ,ah--but you don't know4 ,,paul3 ,know what8 ,,rose3 ,don't ask me now--good day1 sir4 7,she courtesies and runs off47 7,music in orchestra stops47 ,,paul3 ,i wonder what she meant by that8 ,,phil3 7,rushing on47 ,i've taken out your things4 ,now1 may ,i eat8 7,persian servant enters in haste47 ,,servant3 ,oh please1 sir1 the ,sheik has drunk three cocktails1 and ,mrs4 ,schuyler says he is disgusting4 ,quick1 get someone to take him home4 ,,paul3 ,phil--do you hear8 ,the ,sheik's disgusting--take him home4 7,servants exit47 ,,phil3 7,as he exits47 ,is there any little thing ,i can do for you8 ,,paul3 ,not just now4 7,,phil exits47 ,the melody of that song haunts me4 7,he starts to hum it47 7,,phil enters with ,,sheik on his shoulders--struggles to get him off4 ,finally exits with him4 ,as he exits1 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler enters first arch47 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,i hope he gets the old fool home1 all right4 7,sees ,,paul47 ,oho--it looks good to mother4 7,business of humming same song47 ,,paul3 7,turning and seeing her1 with great surprise47 ,agnes6 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 7,startled47 ,mercy1 where was ,i ,agnes8 ,,paul3 7,crosses to ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler47 ,have you forgotten--the summer ,i met you in ,niagara ,falls8 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,niagara ,falls8 ,i must have been on one of my honeymoons--oh1 yes--of course--,mr4 ,morgan4 7,they shake hands47 ,you see1 ,i've met so many mushy men4 7,he sighs47 ,what makes you look so unhappy8 ,,paul3 ,i'm in love with a girl4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,only one8 ,why so economical8 ,,paul3 ,ah--,i'm afraid you don't know what real love is4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,oh1 yes ,i do6 ,real love is the kind that lasts after you've heard a man sleeping right out loud4 ,who's the girl8 ,,paul3 ,miss ,madison4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 7,surprised47 ,our ,rose8 ,not on your life4 ,to-morrow1 before we return to ,america1 she's to marry the ,abu ,mirzah1 and nothing can prevent it4 ,,paul3 7,in horror47 ,she's being sacrificed to that old mummy--,i'll kill him4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,the doctors say he is so strong1 nothing can kill him1 except his fondness for ,persian plums1 and there is a mandate out inflicting death upon any man who sends him any4 7,,rose enters47 ,,paul3 7,crossing to her47 ,oh1 ,miss ,madison1 ,i've just heard-- ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,rose--go to the grape arbor at once--,i'll join you there presently4 7,,dudley enters47 ,,dudley3 ,say1 ,paul--,i--7,sees ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler--with surprise47 ,lena-- ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,du1 ,allmaechtiger ,strohsach--where was ,i ,lena8 ,,dudley3 ,have you forgotten1 in ,germany1 ,unter den ,linden8 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,germany8 ,oh1 the man who made love to me over a plate of frankfurters8 ,well--well--wie geht's6 ,tell me1 do you think ,i've grown stouter since the days when ,i was ,lena8 7,,paul laughs47 ,,dudley3 ,not a bit4 7,,paul and ,,rose laugh47 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 7,seeing ,,rose and ,,paul in earnest conversation47 ,excuse me4 7,she crosses and grabs ,,rose47 ,rose1 there's some grape juice waiting for us in the grape arbor4 7,she sends ,,rose off47 7,boys step toward ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler47 ,boys--later--when ,rose has gone1 you may come and crush a grape with me in the arbor4 7,she exits47 ,,paul3 ,aber nit6 ,dud1 she's determined to keep us apart--you must help me--go and grab her1 and run her off into the house4 ,,dudley3 ,lena--not much--she once flung a glass at my head4 ,,paul3 ,well1 then1 where's ,phil8 7,calls47 ,phil--,phil6 7,,dudley calls also4 ,,phil rushes on47 ,,phil3 ,am ,i going to eat8 ,,paul3 ,quick1 go and grab ,mrs4 ,schuyler in the grape arbor4 ,,phil3 ,grab her in the grape arbor8 ,,paul3 7,pushing them off47 ,and run her into the house4 ,quick4 7,he pushes ,,phil off one way47 ,and you run into the house and hold her there4 7,rushes ,,dudley into house47 ,i'll run to the grape arbor to join ,rose when she's alone4 7,he exits47 7,,phil enters1 pushing ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler toward the house4 ,they enter from grape arbor47 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 7,beating him with parasol47 ,the idea6 ,what's the meaning of this8 ,you little runt6 7,pushing him off47 7,ad lib talk47 ,who are you1 anyhow8 ,,phil3 7,turning and seeing her47 ,maggie6 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 7,as before47 ,for the love of the ,chambermaids' ,union1 where was ,i ,maggie8 ,,phil3 ,don't you remember when ,i was a merry merry with you in the ,blonde ,broilers' ,burlesque troupe8 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,were you one of the ,blonde ,broilers8 ,,phil3 ,sure1 ,i was the fellow that came out in the last act disguised as a bench4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 7,finally remembering him47 ,oh1 you dear old ,benchie6 7,they embrace47 ,and ,i used to come in and sit all over you4 ,,phil3 ,that's how ,i came to fall in love with you4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,a man always thinks more of a woman when she sits on him4 ,,phil3 ,do she8 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,she do4 ,,phil3 ,come and sit on me now4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 7,coyly47 ,oh1 you fascinating devil4 ,,phil3 ,ah1 go on--ah1 sit on me4 7,business of sitting--nearly flopping--finally getting on his knee47 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,you're not the bench you used to be6 ,,phil3 ,you're not the sitter you used to be4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,remember the night you let me flop8 ,,phil3 ,i couldn't get into my part at all that night4 ,i kept saying to myself3 ,phillip1 be a bench1 be a bench2 but when ,i felt you near me1 all the benchiness left me4 ,when you sat on me1 ,i put my arms about you1 like this4 7,does so47 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,ah--how it all comes back to me now6 ,when you would put your arms about me1 ,i would close my eyes and make believe it was ,otis ,skinner4 7,business47 ,,phil3 ,and then before all the crowd1 ,i kissed you so4 7,he illustrates as ,,paul enters with ,,rose from arbor47 ,,paul3 7,seeing ,,phil and ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler47 ,well--7,they break apart47 ,i'm surprised6 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 7,works ,,phil around to hide him first1 then turns him around to ,,paul47 ,you wouldn't be if you were as used to it as ,i am4 ,,paul3 7,aside to ,,phil47 ,what did ,i tell you to do8 7,,phil seizes ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler and runs her into house--she saying3 ,what's the idea1 etc41 till off47 7,sunset falls upon scene47 ,,song--,,paul and ,,rose--,my ,little ,persian ,rose4 7,,rose exits at end of song47 ,,paul3 7,left alone47 ,i won't let her marry him4 7,a girl passes1 crying out ,persian ,plums--who will buy87 ,,paul3 ,persian ,plums--,mrs4 ,schuyler said the old ,sheik had such a passion for them1 they might prove his death4 ,here6 ,girl--let me have a basket4 7,hands her a roll of money47 ,there6 7,as he comes down with plums1 the girl exits47 ,but she said whoever was caught sending him any would suffer the penalty of death4 7,gets idea and calls off47 ,phil--,phil6 7,moonlight effect4 ,as ,,phil enters1 anxiously1 ,,paul extends the basket of plums to him47 ,,phil3 7,taking plums1 greedily47 ,oh thanks1 ,i was starving-- ,,paul3 7,stopping him as he is about to eat47 ,here--here--they're not for you4 ,quick--take them to the palace of the old ,sheik ,abu ,mirzah4 ,,phil3 ,but ,i left him asleep in his bed1 sir4 ,,paul3 ,well1 place them where he'll see them when he wakes1 and 7ominously7 don't let anyone catch you with them1 for the country is full of revolutionists and it might mean death4 ,,phil3 7,trembling47 ,my death6 ,is there any other little thing ,i can do for you8 ,,paul3 ,no4 7,several pistol shots are heard4 ,,phil drops plums and starts to run into house4 ,,paul catches him by the hair--business47 ,you coward6 ,i'm surprised6 ,go to the ,palace of the ,abu ,mirzah4 7,he places basket in ,,phil's hands47 ,go6 7,as ,,phil backs off with plums1 he bumps into a fierce looking ,persian who enters4 ,,phil starts and has comedy exit4 ,the ,persian is the ,emir ,shahrud1 who has disguised himself as ,,dowleh the chef4 ,,dowleh grinds his teeth at ,,paul1 who runs off47 7,,dowleh sneaks over to house mysteriously--sees someone coming1 and then runs and hides behind rosebush47 7,now1 moonlight floods scene4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler enters in evening gown with ,,letty and ,,betty4 ,waiter enters and sets two tables47 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,turn up the lights6 ,,letty3 ,our last night in ,persia4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,i've ordered my paflouka out here4 7,,mrs4 ,,schuyler crosses to rosebush and1 ,,dowler jumps out at her47 ,mercy--how you scared me6 ,,dowleh3 ,fatima6 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,now1 ,i'm a cigarette6 ,,dowleh3 ,you are cruel to me--the noble ,prince of ,persia1 who just to be near you1 disguised himself as a cook4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,prince1 ,i eat your cooking--that's kind enough4 ,,dowleh3 7,business47 ,yes1 ,i love you so that one day ,i hear a lady say you paint your face--,i put a secret poison in her food--she took one taste--in ten seconds1 she die4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,it serves her right for telling the truth4 ,,dowleh3 ,come6 ,fly with me6 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,oh ,prince1 ,i've flown so much in my days1 there isn't another flap left in me4 7,throws him off47 ,go--serve my paflouka6 ,,dowleh3 ,you throw me down--very well--,i will be revenged4 7,grinds his teeth in her ear47 ,mmmm-ha6 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 7,with start1 holding ear47 ,he bit me4 7,the girls come down as ,,dowleh goes off bumping into ,,dudley1 who enters in dress clothes--he swears at ,,dudley1 in ,persian and exits47 ,,dudley3 7,to ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler47 ,oh ,lena--if it's you that has made him mad1 ,i'd advise you not to taste any of his food again4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,why8 ,,dudley3 ,i just heard he's under suspicion of having put poison in a lady's food1 which killed her in ten seconds4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,ten seconds6 ,then it was true4 7,waiter enters with paftouka47 ,oh my beautiful paflouka--and it smells so good4 ,,dudley3 ,but ,lena--you daren't touch it unless you get someone to try it first4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,will you8 ,,dudley3 ,excuse me4 7,she turns to the three--they all decline47 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,oh1 if heaven would only send some unsuspecting imbecile to taste my paflouka for me--7,,phil backs on from grape arbor--looking to see if he's being followed47 ,heaven has sent it hither4 7,she steps ,,phil's way4 ,as he bumps into her1 he starts47 ,hello6 ,,phil3 7,after start47 ,hello4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,why1 what's the matter8 ,,phil3 ,oh1 ,i'm faint--for food4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 7,aside to others47 ,oh1 it's a shame to do it4 7,to ,,phil47 ,how would you like to paflouka with me8 ,,phil3 7,after business47 ,no--before ,i do anything else1 ,i must eat4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,to paflouka is to eat4 ,,phil3 ,well--hurry--let's do it4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 7,to waiter47 ,now1 ,mousta place my rakoush before him4 ,,phil3 7,as waiter places soup and roll before him47 ,oh1 it looks like soup4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 7,crossing to him47 ,i always start with something hot4 ,,phil3 7,takes spoonful47 ,it is soup6 7,as he goes for second spoonful1 they hold his hand47 ,,warning3 ,could not break paragraph3 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 7,counting47 ,one--two--three--four--five--six-- seven--eight--nine--ten--7,looking at him47 ,how do you feel8 ,,phil3 7,completely puzzled47 ,well1 ,i can't say ,i feel just full yet4 ,,dudley3 ,go on1 take a bite of roll4 ,,phil3 ,thank you6 7,he takes one bite--as he goes for second bite1 ,,dudley holds his hand--as they all count ten4 ,looking from one to another47 ,say1 what is this--a prize fight8 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 7,looking at him closely47 7,,dudley takes roll from ,,phil47 ,it's all right--he still lives--,i feel better now4 ,,phil3 ,i'm glad of that4 7,he starts to take another spoonful of soup47 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,mousta1 bring my rakoush4 7,just as ,,phil gets spoon to mouth1 ,,mousta grabs it out of his hand and crosses with soup and roll to ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler1 saying to ,,phil in ,persian3 ,rekkra milta suss47 ,,phil3 ,say1 isn't there some mistake8 ,i understood that was my rakoush4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,no1 dear boy--it's ours4 7,she starts to eat47 ,,phil3 ,i guess that's what they call to paflouka4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,oh1 it tastes good4 ,,phil3 ,it sounds good4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,now1 ,mousta1 my bird and salad4 7,he exits47 ,,phil3 ,i hope the bird's an ostrich4 7,he hears ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler drink soup47 7,enter ,,mousta--crosses with bird to ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler47 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,no--place it before him4 ,,phil3 ,yes--put it down--put it down4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,no one can cook a bird like ,princey4 ,,phil3 ,a bird8 ,it looks like an insect6 7,he sees them approaching him as before and grabbing the bird in his hand starts to make off with it--they seize him and throw him into chair47 ,,phil3 7,as ,,dudley snatches bird from him47 ,say1 what kind of a game is this anyhow8 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,i'll explain4 ,the chef is enraged at me1 and as he's under suspicion of having put poison in a lady's food that killed her in ten seconds-- ,,phil3 7,jumping up in alarm47 ,poison8 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 7,with ,,dudley',s help setting him down again47 ,yes1 so we got you to try my food on-- ,,phil3 ,oh1 ,i see--,i'm the dog4 ,,dudley3 ,precisely4 ,now go on--taste that bird4 ,,phil3 ,no1 thanks--,i've had enough4 ,,all3 7,together47 ,go on--commence6 7,business of making him taste bird47 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,one-- ,,phil3 7,finishing counting for her47 ,two--7,to nine47 7,as he reaches ten1 he sneezes47 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,i'm afraid to look4 7,business of ,,phil tasting bird1 then getting idea of pretending to be poisoned1 he commences to get a fit47 ,help6 ,bring a chair6 7,they finally get his feet on chair47 ,well1 we got him on the chair anyhow4 ,,dudley3 ,he's poisoned-- ,,letty and ,,betty3 ,we've killed him4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,come on--let's beat it--7,they all run off4 ,,phil gets up to grab all the food1 when ,,dudley is heard off1 calling ,lena4--,he flops back with a jump to same dead position on floor4 ,finally gets up1 grabs all the food and exits4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler re-enters47 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,he's gone and he's taken all the food with him4 ,quick1 ,mousta1 clear away all these things4 7,paul enters47 ,,paul3 ,mrs4 ,schuyler1 ,i'm really in love with ,rose4 7,,dowleh enters now in ,persian dress clothes47 ,,dowleh3 ,ah1 ,fatima--can ,i see you alone8 7,,dudley enters47 ,,dudley3 ,oh1 ,lena1 could ,i see you alone8 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,if any more turn up1 ,i'll scream4 7,,letty and ,,betty run on1 carrying a note47 ,,letty3 ,an important letter4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 7,opening it47 ,from my husband4 ,,betty3 ,i'm afraid it's bad news4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,bad news6 ,p'raps he's coming home earlier than ,i expected4 7,reads37 ,dear ,becky6 ,,all ,,the ,,men3 ,becky6 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,yes1 we met at ,arverne6 ,i have heard of your carrying on with four old sweethearts3 ,had it been one1 ,i would have killed him quietly and let the matter drop1 but four are too many4 ,i shall kill them all and divorce you4 ,expect me at ten4--,hamilton4 ,oh1 gentlemen1 this is awful--,hamilton is unlike most men--he means what he says-- ,,paul3 7,following47 ,but surely you can find a few more to help us defend ourselves4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,ah1 you don't know ,hamilton4 ,when he's angry1 an army couldn't withstand him4 ,,dowleh3 ,if your husband kills1 ,i will kill him4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,ah1 that doesn't worry me--but he may cut my allowance4 ,,dudley3 7,following47 ,we must save you from such a fate4 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,save me8 ,you could6 ,if there was one among you brave enough to say3 ,i am the only guy here ever loved your wife4 ,kill me1 but don't cut her allowance4 ,,men3 7,going up stage47 ,excuse me6 7,waiter enters with straws in glass1 from arbor47 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,ah--straws--the very thing--gentlemen4 7,takes them out of glasses47 ,come--choose--whoever has the shortest straw is to show his courage and die for me--who is it8 ,who is it8 7,,phil enters--they see him--drop straws--and seize him47 ,,paul3 ,phil6 ,,men3 ,ah6 ,welcome to our city4 ,welcome6 ,welcome6 ,,phil3 ,is there any little thing ,i can do for you8 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,yes4 ,my husband will be here at any moment to kill these gentlemen and divorce me4 ,you can save us all by saying you are the only old sweetheart of mine here4 ,,phil3 ,excuse me6 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,oh1 ,benchie6 ,think of your bench days when ,i used to sit on you-- ,,phil3 ,if you'd only sit on me now1 ,i'd feel safer-- ,,paul3 ,now don't be a fool4 ,when he comes1 say3 ,i am the only man here ever had an affair with your wife4 ,what have you to say about it8 ,,all3 7,together47 ,repeat that now4 ,,phil3 7,in terror47 ,i am the only man here ever had anything to do with your wife--just like that4 7,an automobile horn heard47 ,,girls3 ,oh1 here he is--7,they run off4 ,business of men holding ,,phil and finally rushing off as an enormous figure in ,persian get-up enters47 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 7,picking up ,,phil47 ,benchie1 it's sweet and accommodating of you to die for these three gentlemen--a favor ,i shan't forget4 7,from behind the ,persian giant steps a midget in swell citizen clothes7--,it's ,hamilton--7,mrs4 ,schuyler picks him up and kisses him47 ,oh1 ,hamilton-,i'm so glad you've come4 7,crossing to ,persian47 ,and ,nehmid ,duckin--it is an honor to have the prime minister with us4 ,i'll go for a stroll with you and come back when 7,turning to husband7 you're through with this gentleman4 ,,nehmid3 7,in deep voice47 ,is he the one8 ,,mrs4 ,,schuyler3 ,yes--you're looking great4 7,takes his arm47 ,,nehmid3 ,so are you6 7,in deep tones to ,,phil47 ,and now sir1 you explain4 7,exits with ,mrs4 ,schuyler47 7,,phil stands in terror1 thinking a powerful foe stands behind him4 ,in reality1 it is the midget husband4 ,,phil tries to talk4 ,at first he cannot47 ,,phil3 7,after comedy biz47 ,i have a wife with an affair--,i mean an affair with your wife--what have you to say about it8 ,,mr4 ,,schuyler3 7,in piping voice47 ,i'm very angry4 7,,phil starts--looks up to see where voice comes from--doesn't see anyone--walks and bumps into ,,hamilton--rolls up his sleeves47 ,,phil3 7,bravely47 ,what have you to say about it8 7,slaps his hand over his mouth47 ,don't say a word--,i've been waiting for something like you to show up4 7,he backs ,,hamilton off--his hand on his face47 ,,finale3 7,during this1 ,,rose enters in bridal costume to be wed to ,,sheik4 ,servant enters announcing his death from eating ,persian ,plums4 ,,song3 ,who ,sent ,these ,persian ,plums8 ,then1 final meeting and happiness of lovers and comedy characters and picture as ,my ,little ,persian ,rose is repeated for ,,curtain ,,my ,,old ,,kentucky ,,home ,a ,,burlesque ,,in ,,one ,,act ,,by ,,james ,,madison ,author of ,love ,blossoms1 ,cohen from ,bridgeport1 ,before and ,after1 ,monologues for ,nat ,m4 ,wills1 ,joe ,welch1 ,etc41 ,etc41 ,author and ,publisher ,madison's ,budget4 ,,my ,,old ,,kentucky ,,home ,,characters ,,old ,,black ,,joe 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,an ex-slave1 eighty years of age ,,arthur ,,maynard4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,owner of a ,kentucky ,plantation ,,viola ,,maynard 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,his ,daughter ,,charlie ,,doolittle4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,her ,sweetheart ,,edgar ,,tremble4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,with a heart of stone ,,mrs4 ,,alice ,,wilson4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,a frail widow ,,harvey ,,slick 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,an adventurer ,,felix ,,fake 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,his assistant ,,chlorinda ,,sourgrass4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,a lady of color ,,cissie1 ,,lottie1 ,,fannie1 ,,tillie1 ,,goldie1 ,,dora1 ,,maggie1 ,,mabel1 ,,gertie4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,invited ,guests ,,scene3 ,garden of ,,arthur ,,maynard',s plantation4 ,landscape backing4 ,set house at left with practical veranda 7if possible74 ,wood wings at right4 ,set tree up stage at right behind which old pocketbook containing a number of greenbacks is concealed4 ,bench in front of tree4 ,pedestal up stage at left1 dog-house at right4 ,,discovered3 7,at rise of curtain an invisible ,,chorus is heard singing ,my ,old ,kentucky ,home4 ,then ,,goldie and other invited girl friends come on stage and sing a ,,medley ,,of ,,popular ,,choruses4 ,at conclusion of medley1 ,,viola enters from house47 ,,viola3 ,girls1 do you know why ,i've invited you all today8 ,,fannie3 ,to tell us that you're engaged to be married4 ,,viola3 ,nothing so fortunate4 ,this is my father's birthday1 and ,i've arranged a little celebration in his honor1 and ,i want you all to participate4 ,,lottie3 ,we won't do a thing but enjoy ourselves4 ,,viola3 ,but there's one dark cloud1 girls4 7,,chlorinda enters from house47 ,,tillie3 ,yes1 here comes the dark cloud now4 ,,viola3 ,the dark cloud ,i refer to is ,mrs4 ,wilson1 who calls herself a widow and who has been hanging around father for the last few months in the hope that he'll make her ,mrs4 ,maynard number two4 ,,dora3 ,the hussy6 ,,maggie3 ,the cat6 ,,viola3 ,i wouldn't care if she loved father1 but ,i suspect that all she's after is his money4 ,,chlorinda3 ,his mazuma4 ,,gertie3 ,get on to the ,african ,jew6 ,,lottie3 ,any woman that wants to fool your father has to get up early in the morning4 ,,viola3 ,mrs4 ,wilson sometimes looks as if she stays up all night4 7,all girls laugh47 ,,viola3 ,if she only knew that the old plantation is mortgaged up to the roof1 ,i guess she wouldn't be so anxious about marrying father4 ,,viola3 7,to ,,chlorinda47 ,well1 ,chlorinda1 what brings you out here8 ,,chlorinda3 ,i jes' came out to say dat refreshments am ready in de house if de young ladies am thirsty or hungry4 7,,chorus by ladies of company1 then they exit into house4 ,,viola remains on stage47 7,,charlie ,,doolittle enters from ,r4 and stealing up softly behind ,,viola1 puts his hands over her eyes47 ,,charlie3 ,guess who it is8 ,,viola3 ,is it a human being8 ,,charlie3 7,effeminately47 ,why1 ,i like that6 ,of course1 it is4 ,,viola3 ,it's ,lottie4 ,,charlie3 ,no4 ,,viola3 ,then it's ,fanny4 ,,charlie3 ,no4 ,,viola3 ,then it must be ,lillie4 ,,charlie3 ,no2 you silly goose1 it's ,charlie4 ,,viola3 7,in disgust47 ,i thought you said it was a human being8 ,,charlie3 ,just for that you must sit down on the bench and give me a kiss4 ,,viola3 ,wait a minute till ,i go into the house and get a veil4 ,the sunlight hurts my eyes4 7,she exits at ,l47 ,,charlie3 7,moving towards ,r47 ,that will just give me time to go into the grove and smoke a cigarette4 7,exits47 7,enter ,,chlorinda from house4 ,she has a green veil on1 which hides her face2 she sits down on bench47 ,,chlorinda3 ,ebery wench on dis plantation has got a fellah 'ceptin me1 so ,i went to a fortune tellah an' she said ,ah should sit on dis heah bench ebery day and ah nice fellah would come along4 ,well1 ,i'se been doing it now for ovah a month an' ,ah habent seen no nice fellah yet2 in fact1 ,ah habent seen a fellah of any kind4 7,enter ,,charlie from ,r47 ,,charlie3 ,ah1 there1 my sugar plum4 ,,chlorinda3 ,ain't he jes' too sweet for anything8 ,,charlie3 ,so you love your baby8 ,,chlorinda3 ',deed ,i do1 honey4 ,,charlie3 ,then lay your beautiful head on my manly breast and let me pour sweet words of love into your ear4 ,,chlorinda3 ,go to it1 kiddo4 7,business of ,,charlie petting ,,chlorinda47 ,,charlie3 ,and now1 ain't you going to1 give me a nice1 sweet kiss1 darling8 ,,chlorinda3 ,help yourself to as many as you want4 7,,chlorinda lifts veil just enough to let ,,charlie touch her lips4 ,he does not1 however1 notice that she is colored1 and is busily engaged hugging and kissing her1 as ,,viola enters from house2 she is very much surprised47 ,,viola3 ,charlie ,doolittle1 what does this mean8 7,,chlorinda raises her veil1 then laughs and runs into house47 ,,charlie3 7,discovering his error47 ,why1 my dear1 it's all a mistake2 ,i thought--that is to say--er-- ,,viola3 ,i'm not surprised at your embarrassment4 ,the idea of making love to our colored cook the minute my back is turned4 ,,charlie3 ,if you'll just let me explain-- ,,viola3 ,explain nothing4 ,i'm going to tell my father how you've insulted me4 ,he doesn't like you1 anyhow1 and if he ever catches you on the premises1 your life won't be worth #bc cents in ,confederate money4 7,,viola exits into house47 ,,charlie3 ,ain't she the exasperating creature6 ,i declare1 she's made me so peevish1 ,i could crush a grape4 ,the idea of telling me her father doesn't like me4 ,why shouldn't he like me8 7,,arthur ,,maynard appears in back-ground unnoticed by ,,charlie47 ,but1 anyhow1 ,i'm not afraid of her father4 ,why1 if he were to stand before me right at this moment1 ,i'd-- ,,maynard3 7,stepping suddenly to the front47 ,well1 what would you do8 ,,charlie3 ,i'd run like the devil4 7,runs off stage at ,r47 ,,maynard3 ,i'm going to keep that disgusting fellow off the premises if ,i have to notify the dog-catcher4 7,notices pedestal47 ,ever since a tornado knocked that statue off its pedestal1 this garden has looked rather bare1 so ,i've put an advertisement into the newspaper1 offering five hundred dollars for a suitable statue to take its place4 7,mrs4 ,wilson enters from ,r4 and coughs gently to attract ,,mr4 ,,maynard',s attention47 ,,maynard3 7,turning around47 ,why1 ,mrs4 ,wilson6 ,,mrs4 ,,wilson3 ,good morning1 ,mr4 ,maynard6 7,both talking at the same time47 ,this is indeed a surprise4 ,i did not expect to see you as early as this4 ,how are you feeling8 ,good8 ,that's good4 ,lovely day1 isn't it8 ,,maynard3 ,i have often wanted to ask you1 ,mrs4 ,wilson1 where is your husband8 ,,mrs4 ,,wilson3 ,i don't know4 ,,maynard3 ,what's that1 you don't know where your husband is8 ,,mrs4 ,,wilson3 ,no2 you see1 he is dead-- ,,maynard3 7,laughingly47 ,i understand4 ,did he leave you much8 ,,mrs4 ,,wilson3 ,yes1 nearly every night4 ,,maynard3 ,no1 no2 ,i mean1 did he leave you any property8 ,,mrs4 ,,wilson3 ,yes1 five small children1 and believe me1 ,mr4 ,maynard1 it's hard to lose a husband when you have five children4 ,do you think ,i ought to get another8 ,,maynard3 ,no2 ,i think five are enough4 ,,mrs4 ,,wilson3 ,i see you will have your joke4 ,,maynard3 ,are you fond of horses8 ,,mrs4 ,,wilson3 ,i love horses4 ,,maynard3 ,well1 come down to the stable and ,i'll show you some of the finest thoroughbreds you ever looked at4 7,they both exit ,right ,i47 7,enter ,,harvey ,,slick and ,,felix ,,fake at centre2 ,,harvey carries a heavy blackthorn walking stick47 ,,harvey3 ,now remember1 you're a statue4 ,,felix3 ,you're a liar4 ,,harvey3 ,don't call me a liar4 ,,felix3 ,then don't call me a statue4 ,,harvey3 ,don't you understand1 the guy what owns this plantation offers five hundred dollars for a statue and ,i've come to get the money4 ,,felix3 ,but what have ,i got to do with all this8 ,,harvey3 ,you're the statue4 ,,felix3 ,go on2 ,i never was a statue in my life4 ,,harvey3 ,all you have to do is to get on that pedestal and stand perfectly still4 ,,felix3 ,oh1 ,i just have to stand perfectly still4 ,,harvey3 ,that's the idea4 ,don't move a muscle4 ,,felix3 ,but suppose a fly hops on my nose8 ,,harvey3 ,don't notice it4 ,,felix3 ,or suppose some bad boys throw stones at me8 ,,harvey3 ,why1 my boy1 simply don't notice it4 ,,felix3 ,i don't think ,i want the job4 ,,harvey3 ,why1 of course you do4 ,the figure you are to represent is called ,ajax defying the lightning4 ,,felix3 ,oh1 a jackass defying the lightning4 ,,harvey3 ,no1 ,ajax2 but look sharp1 for here comes ,mr4 ,maynard now4 ,quick1 jump on the pedestal4 7,,harvey hands stick to ,,felix1 who quickly jumps on pedestal and poses in funny position1 as ,maynard enters from right47 ,,maynard3 7,to ,,harvey47 ,well1 sir1 what can ,i do for you8 ,,harvey3 ,you advertised for a statue1 ,i believe4 ,,maynard3 ,i did1 sir4 ,,harvey3 ,well1 ,i think ,i've got just what you want--a jackass defying the lightning4 ,,maynard3 ,what's that8 ,,harvey3 ,excuse me1 ,i mean ,ajax4 7,aside1 and pointing to ,,felix47 ,that son of a gun has got me talking that way now4 ,,maynard3 ,i'll be pleased to look at your statue4 ,,harvey3 7,pointing to ,,felix on pedestal47 ,here it is1 sir4 ,,maynard3 7,after surveying it critically47 ,what material is the statue made of8 ,,harvey3 ,brass--pure brass4 ,,maynard3 ,i think the statue will suit me except that the nose is a bit too long4 ,,harvey3 ,well1 you can easily take off a piece with a hammer and chisel4 ,,maynard3 ,why1 so ,i can4 ,but here's another objection4 ,suppose thieves come around some night and steal the statue8 ,,harvey3 ,all you have to do is to bore a hole through one of its legs1 pass a chain through it and fasten to the pedestal4 7,,felix works up this situation by comic mugging47 ,,maynard3 ,a very good idea4 ,how much do you want for the statue8 ,,harvey3 ,five hundred dollars4 ,,maynard3 ,that's a lot of money1 but ,i think ,i shall buy it anyhow4 ,,harvey3 ,well1 just hand over the five hundred1 and the statue is yours4 7,,maynard and ,,harvey move to a position in front of the statue4 ,,maynard takes a roll of bills from his pocket and in handling them1 drops one4 ,as he bends forward to pick it up1 ,,felix pokes him with the stick1 knocking him over frontwards4 ,,maynard thinks ,,harvey has kicked him47 ,,maynard3 7,to ,harvey47 ,what do you mean by kicking me1 sir8 ,,harvey3 ,why1 ,i didn't kick you4 ,,maynard3 ,if ,i hadn't set my heart on owning the statue1 ,i'd call the deal off right now4 ,,harvey3 7,starting to get a bit angry47 ,i tell you ,i didn't kick you4 ,,maynard3 ,well1 don't do it again4 ,here's your money4 7,,maynard hands ,,harvey roll of bills1 who counts it and lets the last bill fall on stage4 ,in stooping to pick it up1 ,,felix pokes ,,harvey1 causing him to fall over frontwards4 ,,harvey thinks ,,maynard has kicked him47 ,,harvey3 7,to ,,maynard47 ,a joke's a joke1 but this is going entirely too far4 ,,maynard3 ,what on earth are you talking about8 ,,harvey3 ,you just kicked me4 ,,maynard3 ,i didn't4 ,,harvey3 ,you did4 ,,maynard3 ,i didn't4 ,,felix3 ,shut up4 ,,maynard and ,,harvey3 7,both talking together47 ,don't tell me to shut up4 ,i didn't tell you to shut up4 ,well1 somebody did4 ,,harvey3 ,i'm awful thirsty4 ,,maynard3 ,i'll go into the house and get you a glass of wine4 ,,felix3 ,well1 hurry up about it4 ,,maynard3 7,thinking ,,harvey spoke47 ,i never heard such impudence in all my life4 ,why1 the idea6 7,exits into house47 ,,felix3 ,yes1 the idea4 ,,harvey3 ,well1 ,i got the old fool's money all right4 ,,felix3 ,where's my share8 ,,harvey3 7,laughing47 ,now1 who ever heard of a statue having mo-non-ey4 ,,felix3 ,but you promised me half of the five hundred dollars4 ,,harvey3 ,well1 suppose ,i did2 you don't expect me to keep my word1 do you8 ,you'd be a pretty looking sight1 carrying two hundred and fifty dollars around with you4 ,why1 ,i'd have to lay for you in some dark alley and take it away from you4 ,i want you to understand that ,i'm the wise guy of this combination and if you want any of my money1 you've got to take it away from me4 7,,harvey has taken a position just in front of ,,felix1 who is still on the pedestal4 ,,felix slips his hand slyly into ,,harvey',s pocket and takes all the money47 ,,harvey3 7,moving to centre exit47 ,well1 so long1 ,felix1 so long1 and remember1 ,felix1 that money is the root of all evil4 7,,harvey exits47 ,,felix3 7,holding up roll of bills47 ,well1 ,i've extracted some of the root all right1 all right4 7,,felix exits at right47 7,big ,,singing ,,number by ,,viola and ladies of company47 7,then1 ,,mr4 ,,maynard enters from the house47 ,,goldie3 ,in behalf of all your friends who are assembled here today1 ,mr4 ,maynard1 ,i want to congratulate you on your birthday anniversary4 ,,maynard3 ,ah1 thank you1 ladies1 ,i appreciate your good wishes very much4 ,,dora3 ,i hope you will live to be a hundred years old4 ,,maynard3 7,laughing47 ,i hope so--but why should the ,lord take me for a hundred when he can get me at #gj8 7,,old ,,black ,,joe comes ambling in from ,right to melody of ,old ,black ,joe47 ,,maynard3 ,well1 ,old ,black ,joe1 how are you feeling today8 ,,joe3 ,well1 ,massa1 ,i'se got rheumatiz in the lef' shoulder--an' de lumbago in mah back--an' ,i don' hear very well--an' ma teeth am troubling me some--an' mah eyes is going back on me--an' mah stomach ain't as good as it used to be--but otherwise1 ,massa1 ,i'se feelin' as sound as a nut4 ,,maynard3 ,what can ,i do for you1 ,old ,black ,joe8 ,,joe3 ,massa1 my mind ain't as clear like it used ter be1 but der's one thing ,i ain't never forgotten1 and dat is your birthday university1 so ,i'd feel powerful flattered if you would accept these few flowers what ,i picked myself4 7,hands ,,maynard small bouquet47 ,,maynard3 ,of all the many gifts ,i will receive to-day1 ,old ,black ,joe1 there is none that ,i will treasure more highly than these flowers4 ,,joe3 ,ah1 thank you1 ,massa1 thank you4 7,,old ,,black ,,joe exits to melody of ,old ,black ,joe47 ,,goldie3 ,i never could understand1 ,mr4 ,maynard1 why you always make such a fuss about that nigger1 ,old ,black ,joe4 ,,maynard3 ,old ,black ,joe may have a black skin1 but he's got a white heart and ,i'll cherish and protect him as long as ,i have a roof over my head4 ,,goldie3 ,one would think that he had done you some great favor1 ,mr4 ,maynard4 ,,maynard3 ,he more than did me a favor4 ,he once saved my life4 ,,chorus ,,of ,,girls3 ,tell us about it4 ,,maynard3 7,to melodramatic music47 ,it was during the days of '#fa1 when brother fought against brother and the ,blue was striving to overpower the ,grey4 ,on this very plantation1 while hardly more than a lad1 ,i was attacked and badly wounded and would have fallen into the hands of the enemy if it had not been for ,old ,black ,joe1 who1 at the risk of his own life1 carried me to a place of safety and nursed me back to health again4 ,,chorus ,,of ,,ladies3 ,three cheers for ,old ,black ,joe4 7,,song by ,ladies--all exit47 7,enter ,,charlie at centre47 ,,charlie3 ,i'm crazy about ,viola1 but ,i know she will never marry me unless her father gives his consent4 ,if ,i only knew a way to win him over4 ,ah1 here comes ,chlorinda4 ,perhaps she can help me4 7,enter ,,chlorinda from house47 ,,charlie3 ,hello1 ,chlorinda4 ,,chlorinda3 ,miss ,sourgrass1 if you please4 ,,charlie3 ,what's the matter with ,chlorinda8 ,,chlorinda3 ,i only allows gentlemen ,i'se well acquainted with to call me ,chlorinda4 ,,charlie3 ,well then1 ,miss ,sourgrass1 do you want to earn a dollar8 ,,chlorinda3 ,what's the matter with it8 ,,charlie3 ,there's nothing the matter with it4 ,you see1 ,i'm in love with ,viola ,maynard1 but her father doesn't like me4 ,now1 if you can fix things up so her father will accept me as a son-in-law1 ,i will give you a dollar4 ,,chlorinda3 ,jes leave it to me and in half an hour he'll be so tickled to see you that he'll put his arms around your neck and kiss you4 ,,charlie3 ,that will be splendid4 ,,chlorinda3 ,the dollar1 please4 ,,charlie3 ,i never pay in advance4 ,,chlorinda3 ,no dollar1 no kisses4 ,,charlie3 7,handing her a dollar47 ,oh1 very well1 but see that you do as you promise4 ,,chlorinda3 ,leave it to me4 7,,charlie exits at right47 7,,mr4 ,,maynard enters from house47 ,,chlorinda3 ,did you hear what happened to ,charlie ,doolittle8 ,,maynard3 ,i suppose he took a pinch of snuff and blew his brains out4 ,,chlorinda3 ,goodness no2 guess again4 ,,maynard3 ,no1 ,i won't4 ,i'm not at all interested in that addlepated1 monkey-faced nincompoop4 ,he's after my daughter1 but he shall never marry her4 ,why1 if wives could be supported for fifty cents a year1 that empty-headed specimen of vacuous mentality couldn't even keep a cock-roach from starving4 ,,chlorinda3 ,don't say dat1 massa1 for ,charlie's uncle has jes' died an' left him fifty thousand dollars4 ,,maynard3 7,very much astonished47 ,how much did you say8 ,,chlorinda3 ,five hundred thousand dollars4 ,,maynard3 ,five hundred thousand dollars8 ,,chlorinda3 ,yes1 sah2 five million dollars8 ,,maynard3 ,i always did like ,charlie4 ,,chlorinda3 ,but you jes' said-- ,,maynard3 ,never mind what ,i just said4 ,i was only joking4 ,here's a dollar to keep your mouth shut4 7,,maynard hands ,,chlorinda a dollar47 ,c,h,l,o,rl,n,d,a3 ,yes1 sah4 ,,maynard3 ,i consider ,charlie ,doolittle an exceptionally bright young man1 and even if he didn't have a dollar in the world ,i would still consider him an excellent match for my daughter4 ,,chlorinda3 ,but you jes' said he couldn't even support a cock-roach4 ,,maynard3 ,never mind about that4 ,here's another dollar4 7,hands ,,chlorinda another dollar47 ,and now1 if you see ,charlie ,doolittle1 tell him ,i want to see him right away4 ,,chlorinda3 ,yes1 sah4 7,she exits at right47 ,,maynard3 7,looking at empty pedestal47 ,i wonder what became of the statue8 ,i guess ,chlorinda carried it into the barn because it looks like rain4 7,enter ,,charlie from right4 ,he coughs to attract ,,maynard',s attention47 ,,charlie3 ,are you very angry at me1 ,mr4 ,maynard8 ,,maynard3 ,angry at you1 ,charlie8 ,why1 how can you only imagine such a thing8 ,have a cigar4 ,,charlie3 7,accepting the cigar with misgivings47 ,it isn't loaded with dynamite1 is it8 ,,maynard3 ,certainly not4 ,i give you the cigar because ,i like you1 ,charlie1 and ,i always have liked you4 ,,charlie3 ,it's very kind of you to say that4 7,during these speeches1 ,,felix has sneaked back on the pedestal1 still carrying the blackthorn stick47 ,,maynard3 ,you have only to say the word and you can have anything ,i've got4 ,,charlie3 ,can ,i have your daughter8 ,,maynard3 ,why certainly1 ,charlie4 ,just say the word and she's yours4 ,,charlie3 ,it all seems like a dream4 7,business of ,,felix hitting ,,maynard on hat with stick and smashing it in4 ,,maynard thinks ,,charlie did it47 ,,maynard3 ,now see here1 ,charlie1 as my future son-in-law1 ,i want you to feel perfectly at home here1 but there's such a thing as carrying things too far4 ,,charlie3 ,why1 ,mr4 ,maynard1 what do you mean8 ,,maynard3 ,i saw you smash my hat just now1 ,charlie4 ,,charlie3 ,i didn't smash your hat4 ,,maynard3 ,you didn't smash my hat8 ,,charlie3 ,no2 ,i didn't smash your hat4 ,,maynard3 ,well1 somebody did4 ,however1 as ,i was about to remark1 you have but to name the day and ,i'll give my daughter a wedding that will--7,,felix smashes ,,charlie',s hat with stick4 ,,charlie thinks ,,maynard did it47 ,,charlie3 ,now1 see here1 ,mr4 ,maynard1 ,i may have straw-colored hair and wear a number fourteen collar1 but ,i object--,i very seriously object to having anybody crush my hat4 ,,maynard3 ,i didn't crush your hat4 ,,charlie3 ,i saw you4 ,,maynard3 7,getting very angry and shaking fist in ,,charlie',s face47 ,you say you saw me crush your hat8 ,,charlie3 7,backing water47 ,well1 ,i thought ,i saw you4 ,,maynard3 7,mollified once more47 ,well1 that's different4 ,however1 it really isn't worth talking about4 ,you know that all ,i want in this world is to see you happy4 ,,charlie3 ,then perhaps you can lend me fifty dollars4 ,,maynard3 ,lend you fifty dollars8 ,why certainly4 ,here you are4 7,hands ,,charlie the money47 ,no doubt1 you'll be able to pay me back when you receive the money that was left you in the will4 ,,charlie3 ,what will8 ,,maynard3 ,why1 the will of your uncle4 ,,charlie3 ,what uncle8 ,,maynard3 ,what uncle8 ,why1 your millionaire uncle who just died and left you all his money4 ,,charlie3 ,i never had a millionaire uncle and nobody has left me a penny4 ,,maynard3 7,wiping perspiration off his face47 ,what2 then you are not a rich man8 ,,charlie3 ,rich2 why1 that fifty dollars you just gave me is every penny ,i've got in this world4 ,,maynard3 7,getting excited47 ,oh you fraud1 you deceiver1 you disgraceful beggar2 ,i've a great mind to--7,raises fist as if to strike ,,charlie47 ,,charlie3 7,rushing off at right47 ,assistance4 ,assistance6 7,,harvey comes in at centre and stands in background ground2 ,,felix is still on pedestal47 ,,maynard3 ,there is only one way to keep that disgusting dude off the premises4 ,i'll get a savage dog if it costs me a thousand dollars4 7,exits into house47 ,,harvey3 7,to ,,felix1 who steps off pedestal47 ,you hear that8 ,,felix3 ,hear what8 ,,harvey3 ,he wants a savage dog4 ,,felix3 ,well1 suppose he does8 ,,harvey3 ,you're the dog4 ,,felix3 ,what8 ,,harvey3 ,you're the dog4 ,,felix3 ,say1 what's the matter with you anyhow8 ,first ,i was a statue and now ,i'm a dog4 ,next ,i suppose ,i'll be an automobile or a bag of peanuts4 ,,harvey3 ,that's all right4 ,pass yourself off as the dog and we'll divide the thousand dollars between us4 ,,felix3 ,yes1 you'll get nine hundred and ninety-nine and ,i'll get the balance4 ,,harvey3 ,nonsense2 ,i'll only take what is right4 ,,felix3 ,and ,i'll have to take what is left4 ,,harvey3 ,for the love of ,mike be reasonable4 ,this is the chance of a lifetime4 ,,felix3 ,i'll impersonate the dog if you get me something to eat4 ,,harvey3 ,what do you want to eat for8 ,,felix3 ,i'm starving4 ,,harvey3 ,all right1 it's a bargain4 ,you impersonate the savage dog and ,i'll see that you're well fed4 7,both exit at centre47 7,enter ,,mrs4 ,,wilson1 from right47 ,,mrs4 ,,wilson3 ,i must force a proposal of marriage out of ,mr4 ,maynard today yet4 ,it's true ,i don't love him1 but he's got lots of money1 and money is everything in this world4 7,enter ,,chlorinda from house1 crying47 ,,mrs4 ,,wilson3 ,why ,chlorinda1 what's the matter8 ,,chlorinda3 ,i'se just been down to the cemetery4 ,,mrs4 ,,wilson3 ,well1 you ought to laugh4 ,,chlorinda3 ,why1 why should ,i laugh8 ,,mrs4 ,,wilson3 ,it's the people who are in the cemetery and cannot get out who ought to be crying4 ,,chlorinda3 ,dat's all very well1 ,mrs4 ,wilson1 but ,i jes' copied some of de inscriptions off de tombstones1 and ,i tells you ,i feels awful mournful about it4 ,,mrs4 ,,wilson3 ,i don't see why you should feel sad1 ,chlorinda4 ,,chlorinda3 ,you don't8 ,well1 jes' listen to some of dese4 7,reads from a stack of cards1 one tombstone inscription being written on each card47 ,here lies the body of ,michael ,burke1 who lost his life while dodging work4 ,i loved my mother1 ,i hated to leave her1 but what can you do with the typhoid fever8 ,mamma loves ,papa1 and ,papa loves women2 ,mamma saw ,papa with two girls in swimmin'4 ,here lies the mother of #bh2 there might have been more1 but now it's too late4 ,shed a few tears for ,matty ,mack1 a trolley car hit her a slap in the back4 ,here lies my poor wife much lamented4 ,she's happy and--well1 ,i am contented4 ,here lies the body of ,martin ,brown4 ,he was blown in the air and he never came down4 ,willie ,greene1 sad regrets--aged #i--;cigarettes4 7,enter ,,mr4 ,,maynard from house47 ,,maynard3 ,won't you step inside the house1 ,mrs4 ,wilson--,i mean ,alice--and have a glass of birthday punch with the other ladies8 ,,mrs4 ,,wilson3 ,delighted1 ,i'm sure4 7,exits into house47 ,,chlorinda3 ,won't ,i get punch1 too8 ,,maynard3 ,yes1 if you don't get back to your work1 you'll get a punch in the jaw in about another minute4 ,,maynard3 ,i hope some one comes along soon with a savage dog4 ,i'd rather go to ,charlie ,doolittle's funeral than to a picnic4 7,looks off toward house47 ,ah1 there is ,mrs4 ,wilson4 ,how beautiful she is4 ,i think this is my golden chance to propose to her4 7,exits into house47 7,enter ,,harvey at centre1 pulling ,,felix in by chain fastened around his neck4 ,,felix now wears a dog's head and body47 ,,harvey3 7,aside to ,,felix47 ,now remember1 all you have got to do is to act like a savage dog1 and after ,i collect the money from ,mr4 ,maynard1 you'll get yours4 ,,felix3 7,removing dog's head47 ,i hope ,i don't get it where ,i've got this collar4 ,,harvey3 ,oh1 you'll get it all right4 ,,felix3 7,starting to leave stage47 ,i'm going home4 ,,harvey3 7,catching him by chain47 ,here1 here1 where are you going8 ,,felix3 ,i don't like the way you say1 ,oh1 you'll get it4 ,,harvey3 ,oh1 that's all right4 ,and now whatever you do1 act like a dog4 7,,felix tries to nip ,,harvey',s leg1 but he springs aside and says47 ,delighted4 ,why1 you're commencing to feel like a dog already4 ,,felix3 ,when do ,i get something to eat8 ,,harvey3 ,very shortly now4 7,sees ,,maynard coming from house47 ,quick1 put on your dog's head1 for here comes ,mr4 ,maynard4 7,enter ,,maynard47 ,,maynard3 7,to ,,harvey47 ,well1 sir1 and what can ,i do for you8 ,,harvey3 ,your servant told me you were looking for a ferocious dog and ,i think ,i have an animal that will just suit you4 ,,maynard3 ,yes1 ,i do want a savage dog1 and if you have such a beast we can do business together4 ,,felix3 7,aside47 ,now1 ,i'm a beast4 7,,harvey kicks at ,,felix to get him to shut up47 ,,harvey3 7,pointing to ,,felix47 ,this animal is so ferocious that if anyone should come across his path at night when he is unchained he would tear him limb from limb4 ,,maynard3 7,noticing ,,felix47 ,is this the dog8 ,,harvey3 7,rubbing his hands47 ,yes1 sir1 and if you searched the world over1 you couldn't find a more savage high-bred animal4 ,he is full of animation4 ,,maynard3 7,scratching himself47 ,i think he is full of fleas4 ,but1 tell me1 what do you ask for him8 ,,harvey3 ,one thousand dollars4 ,,maynard3 ,that's a lot of money4 ,,harvey3 ,not for this dog4 ,,maynard3 ,perhaps ,i ought to explain to you what ,i want the dog for4 ,,harvey3 ,i daresay you feel lonely for a companion4 ,,maynard3 ,no1 sir2 ,i want a dog for my daughter1 sir1 to keep off a worthless1 good-for-nothing dude who comes pestering around here after her because he knows that her father has a lot of money1 and thinks that if he marries his daughter he can move to ,easy ,street4 ,,harvey3 ,i see2 he is looking for a soft snap4 ,,maynard3 ,that's it1 but ,i'll fool him4 ,i want a dog that will chew him up into pieces if he ever dares to set his foot inside my garden gate again4 ,,harvey3 ,my dog will suit you exactly4 ,,maynard3 ,but a thousand dollars is an awful lot of money4 ,,harvey3 ,not for this animal4 ,in the first place1 you never have to feed him4 ,,maynard3 ,what's that6 ,you mean to say that this dog goes without food8 ,,harvey3 ,that's the idea exactly4 7,,felix shows signs of disgust4 ,he can work up some funny business by taking off his mask whenever ,,harvey and ,,maynard are talking together and quickly slipping it on again when he thinks their attention is directed towards him47 ,,maynard3 ,why1 it's preposterous4 ,you don't suppose ,i would keep a dog around the house and never feed him8 ,,harvey3 ,i tell you this dog never eats4 ,,maynard3 ,why1 that's cruelty to animals6 ,,harvey3 ,well1 if you feel that way about it1 you might go out into an empty lot and get some rusty tomato cans and a few pieces of scrap iron and feed those to him4 ,,maynard3 ,does he enjoy such things8 ,,harvey3 ,certainly he does4 ,in fact1 if you were to put a choice piece of juicy tenderloin steak before him right now that dog wouldn't touch it4 ,,maynard3 ,a most remarkable animal4 ,,felix3 7,taking off his dog mask1 aside47 ,i'm going home4 ,,harvey3 7,aside1 to ,,felix47 ,shut up or you'll spoil everything4 7,,felix makes a grab for ,,maynard',s leg47 ,,maynard3 ,help6 ,help6 ,your dog is killing me4 ,,harvey3 ,don't get frightened1 ,mr4 ,maynard1 he is perfectly domesticated and will eat off your hand4 ,,maynard3 ,yes2 he'll eat off my leg1 too1 if ,i'm not careful4 ,,harvey3 7,to ,,felix47 ,lie down1 ,otto1 lie down1 ,i say4 7,kicks ,,felix1 who lets go of ,,maynard',s leg47 ,,maynard3 7,going quickly out of harm's way1 yet delighted47 ,just the dog ,i want--a fine animal4 ,i am sure with him around that ,charlie ,doolittle won't dare to show his face on the premises4 ,,harvey3 ,better buy him while you have the chance4 ,,maynard3 7,taking roll of bills from pocket and counting out the money47 ,i think ,i will4 ,here's the thousand dollars4 ,,harvey3 ,and now the dog is yours4 7,,maynard fastens dog to exterior of dog-house47 ,,maynard3 ,i hope ,i have better luck with him than ,i had with my other dogs4 ,,harvey3 ,why1 what do you mean8 ,,felix3 7,in back-ground47 ,yes1 please explain yourself4 ,,maynard3 7,chuckling47 ,well1 you see my neighbors ain't very fond of dogs and as fast as ,i get one they either poison him or shoot him4 ,,felix3 7,in back-ground47 ,i can see my finish4 ,,harvey3 ,well1 it won't make any difference with this dog4 ,you can fill him full of bullets and he won't even feel it4 ,,felix3 7,aside47 ,no1 ,i'll be dead4 ,,harvey3 7,continuing47 ,and as for poisoned meat1 why1 he would rather have ,paris green or strychnine on his meat than salt4 ,,maynard3 7,chuckling47 ,certainly a remarkable animal4 ,and now1 if you will excuse me a minute1 ,i will go into the house and tell my daughter about the dog4 7,he exits into house47 ,,harvey3 7,gleefully47 ,the scheme worked beautifully and ,i am just a thousand dollars ahead4 ,,felix3 7,indignantly47 ,what do you mean by telling him that ,i eat tin cans and scrap iron8 ,,harvey3 ,why1 that was only a little joke on my part4 ,,felix3 ,oh1 it was a joke1 was it8 ,and suppose the neighbors fire their pistols at me and riddle me with bullets1 what then8 ,,harvey3 ,why1 simply don't notice it4 ,anyhow1 don't complain to me1 you're the dog1 not ,i1 and if the neighbors kill you1 that's not my funeral4 ,,felix3 ,i can see myself in dog heaven already4 ,and how about my share of the money8 ,,harvey3 ,the what8 ,,felix3 ,the money4 ,the dough1 the mazuma4 ,,harvey3 ,the money8 ,since when do dogs carry money8 ,ha1 ha6 ,that's a good joke4 ,a very good joke4 7,exits at ,r4 #b47 ,,maynard3 7,re-enters from house47 ,and now to see if ,i can't make friends with the dog4 7,,felix barks furiously at ,,maynard as soon as he comes near47 ,,maynard3 ,he is just the animal to keep ,viola's lover away4 ,i will call her out1 and show her the dog4 7,calls off to house47 ,oh1 ,viola6 7,dog snaps at ,,maynard as latter passes him47 ,,viola3 7,from the doorstep of house47 ,what do you want1 father8 ,,maynard3 ,i want to show you the new dog ,i bought4 7,dog barks furiously47 ,see if you can make friends with him4 7,,viola approaches ,,felix1 who leans his head affectionately against her and puts his arm around her waist47 ,,viola3 ,he seems to like me all right1 father4 ,,maynard3 ,i cannot understand it4 ,,viola3 ,perhaps he doesn't like men4 ,,felix3 7,aside47 ,no2 ,i ain't that kind of a dog4 ,,viola3 ,i wonder if the dog is hungry8 ,,maynard3 ,i'll go into the house and get him a bone4 7,exits into house47 7,,felix starts rubbing his dog's head against ,,viola',s hip4 ,she screams and exits into house47 7,,charlie ,,doolittle enters from ,right47 ,,charlie3 ,i haven't seen ,viola for half an hour1 so ,i think ,i'll serenade her4 7,starts in singing chorus of song1 ,only ,one ,girl in ,this ,world for ,me47 7,,felix howls accompaniment4 ,,charlie sees dog1 who tries to grab him47 ,,charlie3 ,i'll get a pistol and shoot the beast4 ,,felix3 ,gee1 but he's got a nasty disposition6 ,,charlie3 ,i'll return in two minutes4 7,exits at right47 ,,felix3 7,unfastening catch that holds him to dog-house47 ,and ,i will be gone in one minute4 7,exits at ,centre47 7,,mr4 ,,maynard and ,,viola enter from house47 ,,maynard3 ,viola1 ,i am worried4 ,,viola3 ,what's the matter1 father8 ,,maynard3 ,i am afraid that ,old ,black ,joe's mind is beginning to weaken4 ,sometimes he sits for hours babbling about the old plantation as it existed in the days of '#fa4 ,,viola3 ,how strange6 ,,maynard3 ,only last week a celebrated doctor assured me that if ,old ,black ,joe could but gaze once more on the old plantation as it looked before the ,war1 his mental powers would come back to him as sharp and clear as ever4 ,,viola3 ,i have an idea4 ,,charlie3 7,appearing suddenly from ,right47 ,well1 pickle it1 because it's going to be a hard ,winter4 7,,maynard starts to chase ,,charlie1 who quickly exits47 ,,maynard3 7,to ,,viola47 ,what is your idea1 daughter8 ,,viola3 ,i propose that all the girls dress themselves as pickaninnies and indulge in the sports and pastimes of the ,south before the ,war1 so that ,old ,black ,joe will think he is once more among the scenes of his boyhood days4 ,,maynard3 ,a great idea--and we'll put it into execution at once4 7,a ,,pickaninny ,,number ,,by ,,the ,,girls ,,led ,,by ,,viola4 ,when the pickaninny number is over1 ,old ,black ,joe4 ,,entire ,,company ,,dresses ,,the ,,stage and forms itself into picturesque groupings4 ,selections by a colored quartette can also be appropriately introduced47 7,song1 ,old ,black ,joe1 by ,,old ,,black ,,joe1 company joining in the chorus47 ,,joe3 ,bless me1 am ,i dreaming1 or do ,i see once more de old plantation8 ,,maynard3 7,cordially47 ,the very same1 ,joe1 the very same4 ,,joe3 ,why1 it seems1 ,massa1 as if a heavy load is lifting from mah mind and de memory of things dat ,i'se forgotten dese fifty years am coming back to me4 ,,viola3 ,three cheers for ,old ,black ,joe6 7,entire company gives cheers47 ,,maynard3 ,and now1 ladies and gentlemen1 on the occasion of my birthday1 ,i also have the honor to announce that ,mrs4 ,wilson has this day consented to become my wife4 7,,mrs4 ,,wilson steps forward from house and bows to assembled guests in a triumphant way1 the guests coldly return her bow47 7,,edgar ,,tremble enters from ,centre47 ,,maynard3 ,what can ,i do for you1 ,mr4 ,tremble8 ,,tremble3 ,just one thing1 and that is to give me the money you owe me4 ,the mortgage ,i hold on your plantation for #ej1jjj is due today and1 unless you hand over the money right away1 ,i'll turn you out bag and baggage4 ,,maynard3 7,pleadingly47 ,won't you give me a few days longer to try and raise the money8 ,,tremble3 ,not a day1 not an hour4 ,i must have the money at once or out you go4 ,,maynard3 7,wringing his hands47 ,i am a ruined man6 7,turning to ,,mrs4 ,,wilson47 ,but at least ,i will have the consolation of a true and loving companion4 7,,maynard reaches out for her hand1 but she draws it away47 ,why1 what does this mean1 ,alice8 ,,mrs4 ,,wilson3 ,i fear1 ,mr4 ,maynard1 that ,i was never cut out to be a poor man's wife1 so ,i ask you to release me from my engagement4 7,walks off stage at ,right accompanied by the hisses of the guests47 ,,tremble3 7,to ,,maynard47 ,as you evidently haven't got the #ej1jjj to pay the mortgage1 the plantation becomes mine and ,i now order you all off the premises4 ,,old ,,black ,,joe3 ,not so fast4 ,,tremble3 7,to ,joe47 ,what do you mean by butting in1 you black devil8 7,sarcastically47 ,perhaps you've got the #ej1jjj to pay the mortgage8 ,,old ,,black ,,joe3 ,no1 sah1 ain't got no money1 but somethin' in mah memory tells me dat ,i know where some money is hidden4 ,,maynard3 7,in surprise47 ,why1 what do you mean1 ,old ,black ,joe8 ,,viola3 ,yes1 explain yourself4 ,,old ,,black ,,joe3 ,well1 sah1 jes' after de ,war broke out your father went and hid #ej1jjj where de ,union soldiers couldn't find it4 ,,maynard3 7,imploringly47 ,can't you remember where the money was hid1 ,joe8 ,,old ,,black ,,joe3 ,let me think1 ,massa1 let me think4 ,,viola3 ,yes1 ,joe1 try and remember4 ,,old ,,black ,,joe3 7,with a sudden burst of light in his eyes47 ,i remembers now4 ,he hid the money in dat old tree over dere4 7,,viola rushes over to tree accompanied by several of the guests47 ,,tremble3 ,i hope you don't place any faith in the silly fairy stories of this doddering old nigger4 ,,viola3 7,pulling an old and worn pocketbook from behind the trunk of the tree47 ,here it is6 ,father1 here it is6 7,she runs to her father and hands him the pocketbook4 ,he eagerly takes out the contents1 a big roll of bank bills1 and hastily counts them47 ,,maynard3 ,it's fifty thousand dollars and the old plantation is saved1 thanks to ,old ,black ,joe6 7,to ,,joe47 ,let me grasp your hand4 7,shakes ,,old ,,black ,,joe by the hand47 ,,charlie3 7,who has sneaked on the scene from ,r4 #b4 ,to ,,joe47 ,yes1 give us your flipper1 ,joe4 ,,harvey3 7,who suddenly appears on the scene and shakes ,,joe',s hand47 ,it's all right1 ,joe2 you wait for me after the show and ,i'll buy you some horseradish ice cream and a fried cigarette sandwich4 ,,maynard3 ,now that the plantation remains1 ,i invite you one and all to join me in a ,fried ',possum and ,sweet ,potato ,dinner4 ,,felix3 7,who also appears on the scene1 carrying his dog's head in his hand47 ,thank heavens1 ,i'll get something to eat at last4 ,,chorus ,,of ,,voices3 ,three cheers for ,mr4 ,maynard6 ,,maynard3 ,and don't forget ,old ,black ,joe1 for it was through him that ,i have been able to save ,my ,,old ,,kentucky ,,home4 7,final ,chorus by entire company47 ,,curtain ,,glossary ,,act ,,in ,,one4--,an act playing in ,one 7which see74 ,,ad ,,lib4--,ad libitum--,to talk extemporaneously so as to pad a scene or heighten laughter4 ,,agent1 ,,vaudeville4--,the business agent for an act4 ,,apron4--,that part of the stage lying between the footlights and the curtain line4 ,,argot4--,slang2 particularly1 stage terms4 ,,aside4--,a speech spoken within the sight and hearing of other actors1 but which they1 as characters in the act1 do not hear4 ,,audience-,,left4--,reverse of stage-left 7which see74 ,,audience-,,right4--,reverse of stage-right 7which see74 ,,back ,,of ,,the ,,house4--,back stage2 the stage back of the curtain4 ,,backing4--,a drop1 wing1 or flat used to mask the working stage when a scenery-door or window is opened4 ,,backing1 ,,interior4--,backing that represents an interior4 ,,backing1 ,,exterior4--,backing that represents an exterior4 ,,bare ,,stage4--,stage unset with scenery4 ,,big-,,time4--,circuits playing two shows a day4 ,,bit1 ,a4--,a successful little stage scene complete in itself4 ,a small part in an act4 ,,book ,,of ,a ,,musical ,,comedy4--,the plot1 dialogue1 etc41 to differentiate these from lyrics and music4 ,,book ,,an ,,act1 ,,to4--,to place on a manager's books for playing contracts2 to secure a route4 ,,booking ,,manager4--,one who books acts for theatres4 ,,booster4--,see ,,plugger4 ,,border4--,a strip of painted canvas hung above the stage in front of the border-lights to mask the stage-rigging4 ,,border-,,light4--,different colored electric bulbs set in a tin trough and suspended over the stage to light the stage and scenery4 ,,box ,,set4--,a set of scenery made of flats 7which see7 lashed together to form a room whose fourth wall has been removed4 ,,breaking-,,in ,,an ,,act4--,playing an act until it runs smoothly4 ,,bunch-,,light4--,electric bulbs set in a tin box mounted on a movable standard to cast any light--moonlight1 for instance-- through windows or on drops or backings4 ,,business1 or ,,bus41 or ,,biz4--,any movement an actor makes on the stage1 when done to drive the spoken words home1 or get over a meaning without words4 ,,centre-,,door ,,fancy4--,an interior set containing an ornamental arch and fitted with fine draperies4 ,,chooser4--,one who steals some part of another performer's act for his own use4 ,,climax4--,the highest point of interest in a series of words or events--the culmination1 height1 acme1 apex4 7,murray47 ,,close-,,in1 ,,to4--,to drop curtain4 ,,comedy4--,a light and more or less humorous play which ends happily2 laughable and pleasing incidents4 ,,complication4--,the definite clash of interests which produces the struggle on the outcome of which the plot hinges4 ,,crisis4--,the decisive1 or turning1 point in a play when things must come to a change1 for better or worse4 ,,cue4--,a word or an action regarded as the signal for some other speech or action by another actor1 or for lights to change1 or something to happen during the course of an act4 ,,curtain4--,because the curtain is dropped at the end of an act--the finish4 ,,die4--,when a performer or his act fails to win applause1 he or the act is said to die4 ,,dimmer4--,an electrical apparatus to regulate the degree of light given by the footlights and the border-lights4 ,,drapery1 ,,grand4--,an unmovable ,border just in front of the ,olio and above ,working ,drapery4 ,,drapery1 ,,working4--,the first ,border2 see ,,border4 ,,drop4--,a curtain of canvas painted with some scene and running full across the stage opening4 ,,dumb ,,act1 or ,,sight ,,act4--,acts that do not use words2 acrobats and the like4 ,,exposition4--,that part of the play which conveys the information necessary for the audience to possess so that they may understand the foundations of the plot or action4 ,,exterior ,,backing4--,see ,,backing1 ,,exterior4 ,,extra ,,man1 or ,,woman4--,a person used for parts that do not require speech2 not a regular member of the company4 ,,fancy ,,interior4--,the same as ,centre-door ,fancy 7which see74 ,,farce4--,a play full of extravagantly ludicrous situations4 ,,first ,,entrance4--,entrance to ,one 7which see74 ,,flash-,,back4--,when a straight-man turns a laugh which a comedian has won1 into a laugh for himself 7see chapter on ,the ,two-,act74 ,,flat4--,a wooden frame covered with a canvas painted to match other flats in a box set4 ,,flipper4--,scenery extension--particularly used to contain curtained entrance to ,one1 and generally set at right angles to the proscenium arch 7which see74 ,,flirtation ,,act4--,an act presented by a man and a woman playing lover-like scenes4 ,,fly-,,gallery4--,the balcony between the stage and the grid iron1 from where the scenery is worked4 ,,flymen4--,the men assigned to the fly-gallery4 ,,four4--,the stage space six or more feet behind the rear boundaries of ,three4 ,,front ,,of ,,the ,,house4--,the auditorium in front of the curtain4 ,,full ,,stage4--,same as ,four4 ,,gag4--,any joke or pun4 ,see ,,point4 ,,genre4--,kind1 style1 type4 ,,get ,,over1 ,,to4--,to make a speech or entire act a success4 ,,glass-,,crash4--,a basket filled with broken glass1 used to imitate the noise of breaking a window and the like4 ,,go ,,big4--,when a performer1 act1 song1 gag1 etc41 wins much applause it is said to go big4 ,,grand ,,drapery4--,see ,,drapery1 ,,grand4 ,,gridiron4--,an iron network above the stage on which is hung the rigging by which the scenery is worked4 ,,grip4--,the man who sets scenery or grips it4 ,,hand1 ,,to ,,get ,a4--,to receive applause4 ,,house ,,curtain4--,the curtain running flat against the proscenium arch2 it is raised at the beginning and lowered at the end of the performance2 sometimes use to close-in on an act4 ,,interior ,,backing4--,see ,,backing1 ,,interior4 ,,jog4--,a short flat used to vary a set by being placed between regulation flats to form angles or corners in a room4 ,,lash-,,line4--,used on flats to join them tightly together4 ,,lead-,,sheet4--,a musical notation giving a melody of a popular song2 a skeleton of a song4 ,,legitimate4--,used to designate the stage1 actors1 theatres1 etc41 that present the full-evening play4 ,,melodrama4--,a sensational drama1 full of incident and making a violent appeal to the emotions4 ,,mugging4--,a contortion of the features to win laughter1 irrespective of its consistency with the lines or actions4 ,,olio4--,a drop curtain full across the stage1 working flat against the tormentors 7which see74 ,it is used as a background for acts in ,one1 and often to close-in on acts playing in ,two1 ,three and ,four4 ,,one4--,that part of the stage lying between the tormentors and the line drawn between the bases of the proscenium arch4 ,,open ,,set4--,a scene composed of a rear drop and matching wings1 and not boxed--that is1 not completely enclosed4 ,see ,,box ,,set4 ,,palace ,,set4--,palace scene4 ,,part4--,noun3 the manuscript of one character's speeches and business2 the character taken by an actor4 ,verb3 to take1 or play1 a character4 ,,play ,,up1 ,,to4--,to pitch the key of a scene high2 to play with rush and emphasis4 ,,plugger4--,a booster1 a singer who sings new songs to make them popular4 ,,point4--,the laugh-line of a gag 7see ,,gag71 or the funny observation of a monologue4 ,,produce1 ,,to4--,to mount a manuscript on the stage4 ,,producer4--,one who produces plays1 playlets1 and other acts4 ,,properties4--,furniture1 dishes1 telephones1 the what-not employed to lend reality--scenery excepted4 ,stage accessories4 ,,property-,,man4--,the man who takes care of the properties4 ,,props4--,property-man2 also short for properties4 ,,proscenium ,,arch4--,the arch through which the audience views the stage4 ,,rigging1 ,,stage4--,the ropes1 pulleys1 etc41 by which the scenery is worked4 ,,ripple-,,lamp4--,a clock-actuated mechanism fitted with ripple-glass and attached to the spot-light to cast wave-effects1 etc41 on or through the drops4 ,,route4--,a series of playing dates4 ,to route is to book acts4 ,,routine4--,arrangement4 ,a specific arrangement of the parts of a state offering1 as a monologue routine1 or a dance routine4 ,,scenario4--,the story of the play in outline4 ,,set4--,noun3 a room or other scene set on the stage4 ,verb3 to erect the wings1 drops1 and flats to form a scene4 ,,set ,,of ,,lines4--,rigging to be tied to drops and other scenery to lift them up into the flies4 ,,sight ,,act4--,see ,,dumb ,,act4 ,,single ,,man--,,single ,,woman4--,a man or woman playing alone2 a monologist1 solo singer1 etc4 ,,slap-,,stick ,,business4--,business that wins laughs by use of physical methods4 ,,small-,,time1 ,,the4--,the circuits playing three or more shows a day4 ,,sound-,,effects4--,the noise of cocoanut shells imitating horses' hoof-beats1 the sound of waves mechanically made1 and the like4 ,,spot-,,light4--,an arc-light with lenses to concentrate the light into a spot to follow the characters around the stage4 ,,stage-,,drace4--,an implement used with stage-screws to clamp flats firmly to the floor4 ,,stage-,,centre4--,the centre of the stage4 ,,stage-,,left4--,the audience's right4 ,,stage-,,manager4--,one who manages the working of a show behind the scenes2 usually the stage-carpenter4 ,,stage-,,rigging4--,see ,,rigging1 ,,stage4 ,,stage-,,right4--,the audience's left4 ,,strike1 ,,to4--,to clear the stage of scenery4 ,,strip-,,light4--,electric bulbs contained in short tin troughs1 hung behind doors1 etc41 to illuminate the backings4 ,,tab4--,the contraction of tabloid1 as burlesque tab1 musical comedy tab4 ,,talking ,,single4--,a one-person act using stories1 gags1 etc4 ,,three4--,the stage space six or more feet behind the rear boundaries of ,two4 ,,time4--,playing engagements4 ,see ,,big-,,time1 ,,small-,,time4 ,,tormentors4--,movable first wings behind which the ,olio runs1 fronting the audience4 ,,trap4--,a section of the stage floor cut for an entrance to the scene from below4 ,,try-,,out4--,the first presentation of an act for trial before an audience with a view to booking4 ,,two4--,the stage space between the ,olio and the set of wings six or more feet behind the ,olio4 ,,two-,a-,,day4--,stage argot for vaudeville4 ,,wing4--,a double frame of wood covered with painted canvas and used in open sets as a flat is used in box sets2 so constructed that it stands alone as a book will when its covers are opened at right angles4 ,,wood-,,crash4--,an appliance so constructed that when the handle is turned a noise like a man falling downstairs1 or the crash of a fight1 is produced4 ,,wood-,,set4--,the scenery used to form a forest or woods4 ,,working ,,drapery4--,see ,,drapery1 ,,working4 ,,work ,,opposite ,,another1 ,,to4--,to play a character whose speeches are nearly all with the other4