,,transcriber',s ,,note ,italic text is denoted by underscores4 ,bold text is denoted by equal signs4 ,obvious typographical errors and punctuation errors have been corrected after careful comparison with other occurrences within the text and consultation of external sources4 ,more detail can be found at the end of the book4 ,,by ,,alfred ,,ayres4 ,some ,ill-used ,words4 ,a ,manual for the use of those who desire to ,write and ,speak ,correctly4 #ahmo4 ,cloth1 #a4jj4 ,the ,orthopist4 ,a ,pronouncing ,manual1 containing about ,four ,thousand ,five ,hundred ,words1 including a considerable number of the ,names of ,foreign ,authors1 ,artists1 etc41 that are often mispronounced4 ,revised and enlarged4 #ahmo4 ,cloth1 #a4be4 ,the ,verbalist4 ,a ,manual devoted to ,brief ,discussions of the ,right and the ,wrong ,use of ,words1 and to some ,other ,matters of ,interest to those who would ,speak and ,write with ,propriety4 #ahmo4 ,cloth1 #a4be4 ,the ,mentor4 ,a ,little ,book for the ,guidance of such ,men and ,boys as would ,appear to ,advantage in the ,society of ,persons of the ,better ,sort4 #ahmo4 ,cloth1 #a4jj4 ,acting and ,actors2 ,,elocution ,,and ,,elocutionists4 ,with ,preface by ,harrison ,grey ,fiske2 ,introduction by ,edgar ,s4 ,werner2 ,prologue by ,james ,a4 ,waldron4 ,grammar without a ,master4 ,the ,english ,grammar ,,of ,,william ,,cobbett4 ,carefully ,revised and ,annotated4 #ahmo4 ,cloth1 #a4jj1 ,new ,york3 ,d4 ,,appleton ,,co41 #gb ,fifth ,avenue4 ,,the ,,mentor ,a ,,little ,,book ,,for ,,the ,,guidance ,,of ,,such ,,men ,,and ,,boys ,,as ,,would ,,appear ,,to ,,advantage ,,in ,,the ,,society ,,of ,,persons ,,of ,,the ,,better ,,sort ,,by ,,alfred ,,ayres ,,author ,,of ,,the ,,ortho,,pist1 ,,the ,,verbalist1 ,,etc4 ,virtue itself offends when coupled with forbidding manners4--,,middleton4 ,well dressed1 well bred1 well carriaged1 ,is ticket good enough to pass us readily ,through every door4--,,cowper4 ,a good manner is the best thing in the world1 either to get one a good name or to supply the want of it4--,,anonymous4 ,illustration3 7publisher's colophon7 ,,new ,,york ,d4 ,,appleton ,,and ,,company #aijb ,,copyright1 #ahhd1 ,,by ,,funk ,,and ,,wagnalls4 ,,copyright1 #ahid1 ,,by ,d4 ,,appleton ,,and ,,company4 ,,prefatory ,,note4 ,to select well among old things is almost equal to inventing new ones4--,,trublet4 ,to be welcome in the society of persons of the better sort1 who are always persons of culture and refinement1 we must ourselves be persons of culture and refinement1 i4e41 we must know and practise the usages that obtain in refined society1 and have some acquaintance with letters and art4 ,in this world it is only like that seeks like4 ,those that have nothing in common1 whose culture and breeding are unlike1 whose thoughts are on different things1 never seek the society of one another4 ,what points of sympathy are there between the town gallant and the country spark1 between the city belle and the dairymaid8 ,if one would be received in the better social circles1 one's culture must be of the kind found there1 and1 above all1 one's manners must be marked by the observance of those usages that are to refined social commerce what the oil is to the engine4 ,it is often said that wealth is the surest passport to the better circles of society4 ,nothing could be further from the truth4 ,the surest passport to the better circles of society is moral worth1 supplemented with education1 a thing that is made up of two other things--instruction and breeding4 ,true1 a little money is necessary to make one's self presentable1 but this little will always suffice4 ,wealth1 we know1 contributes greatly to men's social success1 and for good and obvious reasons2 but it does not contribute more to social success than does distinction in intellectual pursuits4 ,laudable achievements will ever have quite as large a following as plethoric purses4 ,lands and goods are not the things we set the highest value on1 many as there are that seem to think so4 ,this little book will be1 ,i trust1 of some service to those men that would better their acquaintance with the usages that govern in the polite world2 and ,i am sure that he that learns half as much by reading it as ,i have learned in making it will feel well repaid for the time he gives to it4 ,a4 ,a4 ,manners are the ornament of action4--,,smiles4 ,manners are the lesser morals of life4--,,aristotle4 ,little minds are vexed with trifles4--,,la ,,rochefoucauld4 ,it is always easy to say a rude thing1 but never wise4--,,stacy4 ,marriage is the true road to ,paradise4--,,de ,,la ,,ferri,,re4 ,guard the manners if you would protect the morals4--,,davidson4 ,anger blows out the lamp of the mind4--,,robert ,g4 ,,ingersoll4 ,good temper is the essence of good manners4--,,anonymous4 ,politeness is the expression or imitation of social virtues4--,,duclos4 ,some people get into the bad habit of being unhappy4--,,george ,,eliot4 ,he that has no character is not a man3 he is only a thing4--,,chamfort4 ,contempt should be the best concealed of our sentiments4--,,anonymous4 ,sow good services2 sweet remembrances will grow from them4--,,mme4 ,,de ,,sta,l4 ,good manners are the shadows of virtues1 if not virtues themselves4--,,anonymous4 ,consideration for woman is the measure of a nation's progress in social life4--,,gr,,goire4 ,in all professions and occupations1 good manners are necessary to success4--,,mrs4 ,,ward4 ,self-love is a balloon filled with wind1 from which tempests emerge when pricked4--,,voltaire4 ,manners are the hypocrisies of nations2 the hypocrisies are more or less perfected4--,,balzac4 ,an earthly father who cannot govern by affection is not fit to be a father4--,,robert ,g4 ,,ingersoll4 ,it is generally allowed that the forming and the perfecting of the character is difficult4--,,anonymous4 ,respect your wife4 ,heap earth around that flower1 but never drop any in the chalice4--,a4 ,,de ,,musset4 ,good manners is the art of making easy the persons with whom we are brought into contact4--,,anonymous4 ,one should choose for a wife only such a woman as one would choose for a friend1 were she a man4--,,joubert4 ,it is a great misfortune not to have enough wit to speak well1 or not enough judgment to keep silent4--,,la ,,bruy,,re4 ,experience and observation in society are the chief means by which one acquires the polish that society demands4--,,anonymous4 ,let what you say be to the purpose1 and let it be so said that if we forget the speech we may recollect the manner of it4--,,anonymous4 ,the art of conversation consists less in showing one's own wit than in giving opportunity for the display of the wit of others4--,,la ,,bruy,,re4 ,there is no surer proof of low origin1 or of an innate meanness of disposition1 than to be always talking and thinking of being genteel4--,,hazlitt4 ,were we as eloquent as angels1 we should please some men1 some women1 and some children1 much more by listening than by talking4--,,lacon4 ,if you speak the sense of an angel in bad words1 and with a disagreeable utterance1 nobody will hear you twice who can help it4--,,chesterfield4 ,one of the most effectual ways of pleasing and of making one's self loved is to be cheerful2 joy softens more hearts than tears4--,,mme4 ,,de ,,sartory4 ,to live with our enemies as if they may some time become our friends1 and to live with our friends as if they may some time become our enemies1 is not a moral but a political maxim4--,,anonymous4 ,there is no flattery so exquisite as the flattery of listening4 ,it may be doubted whether the greatest mind is ever proof against it4 ,socrates may have loved ,plato best of all his disciples because he listened best4--,,anonymous4 ,though conversation in its better part ,may be esteemed a gift1 and not an art1 ,yet much depends1 as in the tiller's toil1 ,on culture and the sowing of the soil4 --,,cowper4 ,,contents ,,personal ,,appearance1 page #aa ,dress1 p4 #ab4 ,jewelry1 watches1 etc41 p4 #ah4 ,the hair1 p4 #ba4 ,the beard1 p4 #bb4 ,the nails1 p4 #bd4 ,the teeth1 p4 #bd4 ,canes1 p4 #bg4 ,full dress1 p4 #bh4 ,dress at informal gatherings1 p4 #bi1 etc41 etc41 etc4 ,,at ,,the ,,dinner-,,table1 page #ca ,invitations and answers1 p4 #cb4 ,punctuality1 p4 #cc4 ,how to enter the drawing-room1 p4 #cd4 ,when dinner is announced1 p4 #cf4 ,bearing at the table1 p4 #cg4 ,soup1 p4 #ci4 ,fish1 p4 #dj4 ,the knife and fork1 p4 #dj4 ,asparagus1 p4 #dc4 ,the spoon controversy1 p4 #de4 ,boiled eggs1 p4 #dg4 ,wine-drinking1 p4 #ec4 ,finger-bowls and doilies1 p4 #ee4 ,when to fold your napkin1 and when not to1 p4 #ef1 etc41 etc41 etc4 ,,in ,,public1 page #eh ,how to walk1 p4 #ei4 ,to stand1 p4 #fj4 ,to sit1 p4 #fa4 ,salutations1 p4 #fa4 ,the lady--which side in the street1 p4 #fg4 ,in public conveyances1 p4 #fg4 ,in a carriage1 p4 #fh4 ,how to carry umbrella or cane1 p4 #fh4 ,hand-shaking1 p4 #gj4 ,street introductions1 p4 #ga4 ,street recognitions1 p4 #gb4 ,smoking1 p4 #gc4 ,humming and whistling1 p4 #gf4 ,the ball-room1 p4 #gg4 ,party calls1 p4 #ih4 ,card-playing1 p4 #ih4 ,places of amusement1 p4 #ajj4 ,applause1 p4 #aje4 ,remain to the end1 p4 #ajf4 ,bar-rooms1 p4 #ajh1 etc41 etc4 ,,conversation1 page #aji ,,calls ,,and ,,cards1 8 #aef ,,odds ,,and ,,ends1 8 #afi ,,what ,,is ,a ,,gentleman8 8 #aii ,simple nature1 however defective1 is better than the least objectionable affectation2 and1 defects for defects1 those that are natural are more bearable than affected virtues4--,,saint-,,evremond4 ,,personal ,,appearance4 ,dress changes the manners4--,,voltaire4 ,whose garments wither shall receive faded smiles4--,,sheridan ,,knowles4 ,men of sense follow fashion so far that they are neither conspicuous for their excess nor peculiar by their opposition to it4--,,anonymous4 ,the famous ,french painter1 ,girard1 when quite young1 was the bearer of a letter of introduction to a high officer at the court of ,napoleon ,i4 ,girard was poorly dressed1 and his reception was cold2 but the courtier discovered in him such evidences of talent and good sense that on ,girard's rising to take leave1 he arose also1 and accompanied him to the antechamber4 ,the change in the courtier's manner was so marked that ,girard could not suppress an expression of surprise4 8,my young friend10 said the courtier1 8we receive strangers according to their dress2 we take leave of them according to their merits40 ,good clothes are far from being sufficient to gain one admittance to the better circles of society1 but without them admittance is impossible4 ,when we go out into the world1 it is not sufficient to do as others do1 we must also dress as others dress4 ,he is best dressed whose dress attracts least attention2 and in order not to attract attention1 one's dress must be seasonable1 appropriate1 conform to the prevailing fashion1 without going in the least beyond it1 and appear to be comfortable4 ,it requires something more than a full purse to enable one to dress well3 it requires sense1 taste1 refinement4 ,indeed1 dress may be considered in the light of a fine art4 ,it is a pretty sure index of character1 and few dress really well that would not be considered persons of culture4 ,in dress1 as in all things else1 the golden rule is to avoid extremes4 ,the man of sense and taste never wears anything that is 8loud10 flashy1 or peculiar2 he yields always to fashion1 but never is a slave to it4 ,the first thing to be considered in the replenishing of one's wardrobe is the material4 ,this should always be good4 ,low priced stuffs are rarely1 if ever1 cheap1 and they are certainly not cheap unless1 though low-priced1 they are of good quality4 ,as a rule1 one suit of clothes that costs fifty dollars does more service than two suits that cost the same sum4 ,and then the low-priced suit never looks well1 while the high-priced suit looks well to the last1 if it is kept clean and care is taken to have it occasionally pressed into shape--a fact that few men properly appreciate4 8,costly thy habit as thy purse can buy1 ,but not expressed in fancy2 rich1 not gaudy1 ,for the apparel oft proclaims the man40 ,there is but one way to get a good fitting shirt1 and that is to have it made4 ,nor is this all4 ,you must try one on and have it 8fitted10 and then have the others made exactly like the pattern shirt4 ,nearly every man has one shoulder lower than the other1 and if this peculiarity is not considered1 the bosom of a shirt will never sit smoothly4 ,it will bulge on the low-shoulder side4 ,for several reasons it is better to have shirts made open in the back4 ,yet open-backed shirts are less worn now than they were2 indeed1 the fastidious nowadays wear only shirts open in front4 ,they fit better around the neck4 ,it is better to have the collar separate and for some reasons the cuffs also--dress shirts excepted1 perhaps4 ,let your collars always be in and strictly within the fashion1 unless you would look like a rowdy1 in which case you are at liberty to go to any extreme you please and to gratify any vulgar caprice you may chance to have4 ,your cuffs should be no larger than is necessary to admit of your slipping your hand through them when they are buttoned4 ,why should a man wear a cuff so large that one may see up to his elbow8 ,a cuff so large that it slips down over the hand has an unsthetic1 slouchy look1 besides being in the way and being very uncomfortable in warm weather4 ,colored shirts may be worn travelling1 in the country1 and1 some say1 in the morning in town2 but most men of taste prefer white4 ,the pattern of colored shirts should always be small and the color quiet4 ,if the coat1 trousers1 and vest of business and morning suits are not made of the same cloth1 the coat and vest should be of the same1 and be darker than the trousers4 ,men that cannot or do not choose to spend much money with their tailor1 should always select dark stuffs4 ,a dark morning suit may be worn on many occasions where the wearing of a light suit would be in singularly bad taste4 ,the fashion should be followed1 but beware of going to extremes1 if you would not be taken for one of those vulgar1 empty-headed fops that1 if spring-bottomed trousers1 for example1 are the mode1 insist on theirs being made to bell out at the bottom till their legs look as though they had been put on bottom up4 ,the wrinkles and 8knees0 should be pressed out of trousers about every two weeks4 ,the more closely woven the cloth the longer a garment keeps its shape4 ,the vest should be kept buttoned from bottom to top1 and the buttons on both coat and vest should be renewed as soon as they begin to show the effects of wear4 ,there is always something 8,jakey0 in the appearance of a man that goes about with his vest half buttoned4 ,both coat and vest should be made snug around the waist and loose over the chest4 ,a garment that is tight around the waist tends to make the wearer stand straight1 while one that is tight over the chest tends to make him stoop4 ,the carriage of men that do not wear suspenders is generally better than that of men that do wear them4 ,if a single-breasted garment is too tight over the chest1 the trouble is generally beyond remedy1 as the tailor cannot add to the front2 in a double-breasted garment1 the moving of the buttons generally suffices4 ,single-breasted overcoats1 made with a 8fly10 are most worn1 and are1 from every point of view1 the most desirable4 ,a short-waisted1 double-breasted overcoat has been a good deal worn by quite young men of late4 ,it is fashionable1 and would1 perhaps1 become generally popular1 if it did not tend to make the wearer look like a footman4 ,the man of taste always selects for his overcoats dark1 quiet colors4 ,there is nothing a man wears in which he shows his sense or his want of it more than in his boots and shoes4 ,the man of sense and taste has his shoes made long1 broad in the sole and in the shank1 and with a big and only moderately high heel4 ,no matter what the fashion chances to be1 if you see a man that pinches his toes1 you may be sure it would take a very small hat to pinch his head4 ,the shoe that does not look comfortable never looks well4 ,there are many of the ,new ,york women that wear shoes that distort the feet and are most uncomfortable2 such shoes1 however1 are rarely1 if ever1 seen on the feet of the ,new ,york ladies4 ,many persons have one foot longer than the other4 ,in such cases1 the shoe for the longer foot must be made longer than the other1 otherwise the longer foot will look to be the shorter when clothed4 ,this1 is something that few shoemakers know4 ,the cloth of the tops of gaiters should always be dark4 ,fancy shoe leather is1 if possible1 more offensive than flashy neckties4 ,short1 narrow-toed1 high-heeled shoes often cause the big-toe nails to grow into the flesh4 ,if taken in time1 the trouble is easily remedied by scraping the nail on the top1 cutting it in a semilunar form1 with the concavity looking forward1 and raising the corners and putting a bit of cork or cotton under them4 ,the nails of the big toes should always be thus cut1 care being taken to leave the corners long4 ,in nothing that a man wears is it less desirable--in ,new ,york1 at least--to be among the first to adopt a new fashion than in the hat1 especially the silk hat4 ,here1 the new styles in silk hats are first seen1 as a rule1 on the heads of the ward politicians1 the keepers of the drinking saloons1 and the gamblers4 ,the least desirable hat for city wear is the soft felt4 ,besides having a slouchy look1 it is not easy to get it off one's head gracefully in saluting an acquaintance in the street4 ,they are little worn by any but a few long-haired men1 who affect the picturesque4 ,a man's jewelry should be good and simple4 ,false jewelry1 like every other form of falsehood1 is vulgar4 ,unlike a woman's jewelry1 a man's should always seem to serve a purpose4 ,to this rule there is1 as we shall see1 but one exception4 ,a man's watch1 to be in thoroughly good taste1 should never be very large1 nor very thick1 nor elaborately chased1 nor should it have a hunting-case1 unless his business or pleasure renders him liable to break a crystal1 when he is out of the easy reach of a jeweller to replace it4 ,very large1 fancifully chased watches always have a common1 cheap look2 no man of any taste ever chooses one4 ,as a rule1 the more valuable the watch the plainer the case4 ,the hunting-cased watch is carried largely by men that1 in a measure at least1 want a watch for the same reason that a peacock wants a tail4 ,probably as desirable a watch1 in appearance at least1 as could be found anywhere1 is a plain-cased open-faced watch1 sold by ,tiffany ,co4 ,it has what they call their extra thin movement4 ,nothing in the way of a watch could be more tasteful4 ,the watch-chain should always be small and the pattern plain4 ,if the links are chased1 the chasing must not be elaborate4 ,nothing does more toward vulgarizing a man's appearance than a big1 elaborately chased watch-chain4 ,indeed1 the young man that wears such a chain and attaches it in one of the lower button-holes of his vest has taken a long stride toward making himself look like a barber's apprentice4 ,watch-chains that go around the neck are no longer worn4 ,the vest-chain should be attached nearly as high up as it will reach1 in a button-hole1 and not in a hole specially made for the purpose4 ,if a locket or seal is worn1 it should be very plain4 ,if a man wears a ring1 it should be on the third finger of the left hand4 ,this is the only piece of jewelry a man is allowed to wear that does not seem to serve a purpose4 ,some ,englishmen of culture and high social position wear nowadays more than one ring1 and wear rings on the little finger as well as on the third2 but this is an example that neither taste nor discretion would counsel an ,american to follow4 ,all kinds of rings are worn by men except cluster rings2 they are worn by women only4 ,scarf-rings and collar-buttons with settings are in very bad taste4 ,diamond studs are not worn by men of the better sort1 even when in evening dress2 they are considered vulgar and ostentatious4 ,three studs in a dress shirt are to be preferred to one4 ,indeed1 the single stud is as unartistic as anything well could be4 ,fashion changes in jewelry1 as in everything else2 but if a man follows the rule3 8,plain1 good1 and seem to serve a purpose10 he will never go far wrong4 ,it should not be necessary to add that the wearing of imitation diamonds is the very extreme of vulgarity4 ,a man of taste would as soon be seen with rings in his ears as with an imitation diamond pin or stud in his shirt bosom4 ,the genuine diamond or none1 and that never in a breastpin1 unless you do not object to being taken for a horse-jockey2 and never in a stud1 unless you are in full evening dress1 and1 even then1 plain gold or white enamelled studs are to be preferred4 ,scarf-pins should1 in strictness1 be worn only in ,claudent1 ,ascot1 and puff scarfs2 permissible1 however1 in four-in-hands4 ,nowadays1 with few exceptions1 men wear the hair very short1 and the exceptions are not found among men of taste4 ,the most artistic and becoming cut is that that trims the hair very short on the sides and back of the head1 and leaves it comparatively long on the top1 for the reason that a high head is always more pleasing than a low1 broad one4 ,the 8part0 should be high up--in the middle1 if one chooses to put it there4 ,parting the hair down the back of the head1 as some men do1 is only a little less objectionable than the plastering of a lock down on the forehead--a fashion much affected by bartenders and waiters in oyster saloons4 ,the head should be frequently washed1 especially in warm weather2 otherwise1 the hair will have a disagreeable odor4 ,brushing with a brush that reaches the skin tends to keep the hair from falling out4 ,pomatums and other inventions of the barbers are no longer used4 ,most men look best with a full beard1 if it is kept properly trimmed and is otherwise properly cared for4 ,a man with a beard that reaches down over his chest or with a moustache that is so long as to be in the way is a disgusting object to look on4 ,men that wear such beards are generally men that are not happy unless they make donkeys of themselves in some way--if not in one1 then in another4 ,if a man shaves a part of the face only1 he should shave that part that is most prominent4 ,a man with a prominent chin and thin cheeks should shave his chin and let his beard grow on the sides of his face2 on the contrary1 a man with a retreating or a light chin and full cheeks should shave his cheeks and let his beard grow on his chin4 ,in short1 the beard should be so trimmed1 if worn full1 or so cut1 if only a part is worn1 as to give regularity to the outline of the face4 ,the eccentricities some men indulge in in cutting their beards is in very bad taste2 so also is the training of the moustache to the right and the left la grenadier4 ,this practice gives a man the appearance of having nothing else to do or to think of2 and then it is pretty sure to get him into the habit of continually tugging at his moustache--a habit that is not quite so bad as would be that of sucking his fingers1 but the difference is not great4 ,the color nature has given to a man's beard is always the one best suited to his complexion4 ,he that changes that color1 no matter what the color is1 only vulgarizes his appearance4 ,every man1 no matter who he is1 should be able to shave himself quickly and well4 ,if he has difficulty in learning to use the razor1 he should persevere in his endeavors to learn1 allowing nothing short of the loss of at least one ear to discourage him4 ,the man that shaves at all should shave every day2 no man looks presentable with a two days' growth of beard on his face4 ,shaving should be as much a part of the regular morning toilet as the brushing of the hair4 ,several razors are necessary1 as all razors 8tire0 by continual use4 ,the microscope has shown that this tiring is due to the disarranging of the particles of the steel1 and that when a razor is allowed to rest for a sufficient length of time1 the particles readjust themselves1 restoring the razor to its original usefulness4 ,much depends on having a good strap and knowing how to use it4 ,the nails should be kept moderately long--very short nails have a plebeian look--and be so cut that they are a little more pointed than the upper ends of the nails are4 ,they should not be scraped1 and in cutting care should be taken not to encroach too much on the angles4 ,either practice1 in time1 results in serious injury4 ,they cannot be kept in good shape without using a file4 ,of course the nails should be kept scrupulously clean4 ,the teeth of most persons1 if properly cared for from childhood1 will not only never ache1 but will also last a lifetime4 ,but how few sets of teeth are properly cared for from childhood6 ,the condition of their children's teeth is a matter that comparatively few parents pay any attention to until the children complain of having the toothache1 whereas they should see that their children's teeth are kept scrupulously clean1 that the cavities in them are filled before they get large enough to do any serious harm1 and that a dentist's aid is called in1 if necessary1 to secure regularity4 ,art can do more--much more--than most people think to make a child's teeth grow in regular4 ,it has been often said that the chief reason so many ,americans have bad teeth is that they eat so much candy and other sweetmeats4 ,this is an error4 ,this is not the chief reason4 ,the chief reason is that we1 in common with many persons of other nations1 do not use our teeth sufficiently2 we live almost exclusively on food that requires very little masticating2 and as for the front teeth1 we scarcely use them at all4 ,the child that is fed on hard-tack is likely to have much better teeth than the child that is fed on porridge4 ,next to disuse1 acids--pickles1 lemons1 and the like--probably do the teeth most harm4 ,then come the practices that tend to disarrange the stomach--eating between meals and the eating of unwholesome food--and the habit of breathing with the mouth open4 ,there are many foolish persons that think that dentists do more harm than good1 and that some of them do not hesitate to bore holes in their patients' teeth and then fill them in order to increase the amount of their bills4 ,they do nothing of the sort4 ,not that there are no dentists that would be sufficiently dishonest to do such a thing1 but they would not get paid for their labor1 it would be so great4 ,the chief harm dentists do is in extracting aching teeth1 in compliance with the wishes of their patients1 when the teeth should be treated and preserved by filling4 ,a tooth must be in a sorry condition when a dentist will extract it for one of his own family4 ,let any one that would keep his teeth go to a good dentist1 and submit to his discretion1 and not presume to dictate in a matter he knows nothing about4 ,no man that does not keep his teeth clean looks like a gentleman1 if he shows them4 ,if one's teeth have been neglected until they have become discolored and have accumulated a covering of tartar1 one must first go to a dentist and have the discoloration and tartar removed1 after which it is not a difficult matter to keep them in good condition4 ,a toothbrush should not be too wide1 and should be used on one row of teeth at a time4 ,a very wide brush1 used on both rows at a time1 never reaches the edges of the gum--the points where the tartar always begins to accumulate4 ,the tooth-powder used must be soluble2 if it is not1 it gets between the gums and the neck of the tooth1 remains there1 and tends to inflame the periosteum4 ,for this reason1 neither pulverized charcoal nor cigar-ashes should be used4 ,as a brush does not reach between the teeth1 a sharpened stick should occasionally be used with a powder4 ,at long intervals a little pumice-stone1 if necessary1 may also be used with a stick1 but great care should be taken not to let it get under the edge of the gums4 ,dentists generally use orange wood4 ,men that do not have their hair frequently cut1 keep their faces clean shaven1 and their teeth clean are never welcome in the society of ladies1 should they chance to know any4 ,they may be well received by women of the lower orders1 but women that are ladies are never drawn toward men that do not have the appearance of being neat in their persons4 ,ladies may and often do tolerate such men2 in fact1 they are often compelled to tolerate them1 but they generally do it with ill-concealed reluctance4 ,men of taste that carry canes select those that are strong1 plain1 stiff1 light1 and small4 ,very large canes are in very bad taste1 especially for young men4 ,a few hints concerning the wearing of a man's clothes should suffice4 ,a full-dress suit consists of a swallow-tailed coat1 a low white or black single-breasted vest1 black trousers1 a white necktie1 a stand-up collar1 787 a high black hat1 and1 properly1 of a pair of very light kid gloves4 ,this dress should never be worn until evening1 i4e41 never previously to the dinner hour1 no matter what the occasion4 ,there are a few men1 in the large cities1 where they dine late--at six or seven o'clock--that put on their dress suits regularly every day before dinner and wear them for the rest of the day4 ,a white necktie should never be worn except with a full-dress suit1 save by clergymen and a few elderly men that never wear any other color4 ,black trousers should never be worn except with a dress coat1 save at funerals4 ,a high hat should not be worn with a sack coat1 especially if the color is light4 ,a low hat should not be worn with a long coat--a double-breasted frock1 for example4 ,straw hats should be worn only with light summer suits4 ,dark suits are to be preferred for ,sundays1 especially in town1 and light suits should never be worn to church anywhere4 ,double-breasted frock coats should always be of black or gray material4 ,at small1 informal gatherings most men consider themselves sufficiently dressed when they wear black frock coats and dark trousers4 ,indeed1 there is no good reason why men should appear in full dress on any occasion where the ladies do not wear full dress4 ,at public entertainments1 for example1 where the ladies wear their bonnets1 the man that wears a black frock coat1 dark trousers1 and light kid gloves is better dressed--because more appropriately--than he that wears a full-dress suit4 ,true1 the practice of wearing such a suit on such occasions entails additional expense1 as otherwise a business or walking suit and a dress suit may be made to serve for all occasions4 ,at home1 the first consideration with pretty nearly every man will always be comfort4 ,no man1 however1 that has any regard for the proprieties will ever appear at the table1 whether there are any strangers present or not1 or will show himself to any one with whom he is not on a familiar footing1 in his shirt-sleeves4 ,,at ,,the ,,dinner-,,table4 ,good humor makes one dish a feast4--,,washington4 ,animals feed1 men eat2 but only men of intelligence know how to eat4--,,brillat-,,savarin4 ,some philosopher has very truthfully said that he must be a very great man that can afford to ignore social observances4 ,he might have added that of all places--in ,english-speaking countries at least--the one where a man can least afford to ignore social observances is the dinner-table4 ,it is there that the well-bred man and the ill-bred man are the most strongly contrasted2 and the man that does not there conform to those usages that constitute what is called manners is likely soon to find the doors of the better houses closed against him4 ,indeed1 such men are not likely ever to find their way within them4 8,dinner-parties rank first among all entertainments1 being of more frequent occurrence1 and having more social significance than any other form of entertainment4 ,an invitation to dinner conveys a greater mark of esteem1 or friendship and cordiality toward the guest invited1 than is conveyed with an invitation to any other social gathering1 it being the highest social compliment that is offered by one person to another4 ,it is also a civility that can be easily interchanged1 which in itself gives it an advantage over all other civilities40 ,an invitation to dine should be promptly replied to1 whether you accept or decline4 ,it may run thus3 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ---- request the favor or pleasure of ,mr4 ----'s company at dinner on ----day1 the ----1 at ---- o'clock4 ,the reply1 if an acceptance1 may be worded thus3 ,mr4 ---- has the pleasure to accept ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ----'s kind invitation to dinner on the ----4 ,if the invitation be declined1 some good reason should be stated3 ,mr4 ---- regrets that1 owing to a previous engagement or in consequence of leaving town1 etc4 he cannot have the pleasure of accepting ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ----'s kind invitation for the ----4 ,the answer1 whether affirmative or negative1 should be addressed to the mistress of the house1 and despatched within twenty-four hours1 if possible1 of the receipt of the invitation4 ,having accepted an invitation1 be punctual4 8,to be too late is a crime1 and to be too early a blunder40 ,you should not fail to arrive within a very few minutes after the time named1 say within five1 or ten at most4 8,dinner10 somebody has said1 8is the hope of the hungry1 the occupation of the idle1 the rest of the weary1 and the consolation of the miserable60 ,it is certainly the event of the day that should be honored with punctuality4 ,in general1 well-bred people and people that dine out frequently1 make a point of arriving in good time4 ,it is not well to arrive before the hour named1 as you might find no one in the drawing-room to receive you4 8,it is said that ,beau ,brummell had1 among other follies1 that of choosing to be always too late for dinner4 ,whenever he was invited he liked to be waited for4 ,he considered it a proof of his fashion and consequence2 and the higher the rank of his entertainer1 the later was the arrival of this impudent parvenu4 ,the ,marquis of ,abercorn had on several occasions submitted silently to this trial of his patience1 but at length he resolved to bear it no longer4 ,accordingly1 one day1 when he had invited ,brummell to dine1 he desired to have the dinner on the table punctually at the appointed time4 ,the servants obeyed1 and ,brummell and the cheese arrived together4 ,the wondering ,beau was desired by the master of the house to sit down4 ,he vouchsafed no apology for what had happened1 but coolly said1 #8,i hope1 ,mr4 ,brummell1 cheese is not disagreeable to you4' ,the story runs that ,brummell was never again late at that house40 ,on entering the drawing-room1 without looking to the right or the left1 you will go and pay your respects to the hostess1 then to the other members of the family1 and finally to any acquaintances you may recognize4 ,should you be stopped1 on your way to the hostess1 by an acquaintance ignorant of the proprieties1 you will not refuse to respond to his greeting1 but will make the response as brief as civility will permit4 ,take good care that you do not offer your hand either to hostess1 host1 or to any other member of the family4 ,for obvious reasons1 any offer to shake hands should come from them4 ,on leaving1 you may offer your hand to those of your entertainers that offered their hands to you when you arrived4 ,but if the family is large1 it is as well to confine your formal leave-taking to the hostess and the host4 ,it is better not to go about the drawing-room to hunt up and take leave of all the members of the family1 as some men do1 especially if you are among the first to take leave4 ,of course it is still worse to go the rounds and take leave of the whole company individually4 ,in such a proceeding there is always something egotistic and patronizing4 ,in a word1 never make more ado in leave-taking1 whatever the occasion1 than is really necessary4 ,if there is a lady with you1 you will not enter the drawing-room arm in arm nor side by side4 ,the lady1 or the ladies--if more than one--will enter the room in advance of you4 ,gentlemen do not wear gloves at dinner-parties4 ,when dinner is announced1 the hostess will give the signal to leave the drawing-room4 ,a gentleman does not choose the lady he will take in to dinner4 ,the choice is made for him either by his host or his hostess4 ,offer whichever arm you please4 ,on this point the authorities differ4 ,most men prefer to have a lady take the right arm4 ,in some countries this is a matter of real importance1 the right side being the place of honor4 ,in passing through doors you will take the lead1 until you reach the dining-room1 when you may let the lady pass first4 ,should there be a flight of steps to descend that are so narrow that it is necessary to proceed single file1 you may allow the lady to pass first1 or--better perhaps--go a step or two in advance of her4 ,if you go down side by side1 give her the side toward the wall4 ,arrived at the dining-room1 you will assist your lady to be seated1 and wait till all the other ladies are in their places before you take your seat4 ,the host remains standing in his place until all his guests are seated4 ,abroad1 the question of precedency is a very important one4 ,in this country it is perhaps sufficient for the younger persons to yield the pas to the older in passing from the drawing-room to the dining-room4 ,a man's bearing at the table depends very much upon the distance he sits from it4 ,he should sit rather close2 indeed1 it is rare that we see any one sit too near the table1 while we often see people sit too far from it4 ,this is a fault that is wellnigh universal with the ,germans--a people whose table manners ,i would not counsel any one to copy4 ,sit close to the table1 and sit erect4 ,if no grace is said1 you will immediately proceed to unfold your napkin and spread it over your lap4 ,there are those that would tell you partly to unfold it and throw it over one knee2 others would tell you to throw it over both knees2 but when it is simply thrown over your knees1 it cannot serve the purpose for which it is supplied--that of protecting your clothing4 ,in fact1 the clothing of no man that has a heavy moustache is out of danger1 unless he virtually makes a bib of his napkin1 a thing that from time immemorial has been considered a sin against good usage4 ,men that are not slaves to fickle fashion1 to the dicta of nobody knows whom1 will use their napkins so as to accomplish the object for which they are provided4 ,a man of sense1 however1 will consider the occasion1 and be governed somewhat by it4 ,previously to being served and during the waits that occur between the courses1 do not play with the knives1 the forks1 the spoons1 or with anything that is before you4 ,leave everything as you find it1 unless you should find a piece of bread on your right hand1 in which case you may remove it to your left4 ,as soon as you are helped1 begin to eat1 or at least begin to occupy yourself with what you have before you4 ,do not wait till your neighbors are served--a custom that was long ago abandoned4 ,never offer to pass to another a plate to which you have been helped4 ,what your host or hostess sends you you should retain4 ,the second course1 at all formal dinners1 however served1 is usually a soup1 which1 if its consistency and the beard on your upper lip will admit of it1 you will take from the side of the spoon1 being careful the while to make no noise4 ,better far to put your spoon into your mouth1 handle and all1 than to make a noise in sipping your soup1 as some people do1 that can be heard all over the dining-room2 better also put your spoon into your mouth than to slobber or to bespatter yourself4 ,the writer would have to materially shorten his moustache1 or to go without his daily dish of soup1 if he had to take it from the side of the spoon4 ,he is not willing to do either4 ,soup1 when practicable1 should be sipped from the side of the spoon1 not1 as most people suppose1 because there is any objection to putting a spoon in the mouth1 but because to put the spoon in the mouth the elbow must be extended1 whereas1 when we sip from the side of the spoon1 the elbow remains almost stationary at the side1 the spoon being manipulated wholly with the forearm--a much more graceful movement1 because simpler than that that the putting of the spoon in the mouth renders necessary4 ,not only soup1 but everything else eaten with a spoon should be sipped from its side when practicable1 but then only4 ,for any one to attempt to sip from the side of the spoon certain soups that are usually served nearly as thick as porridge--pea1 bean1 and tomato with rice1 for example--is absurd4 ,nothing has a more vulgar look than an obvious endeavor to be fine4 ,the spoon should be filled by an outward rather than an inward movement1 and the plate should never be tilted to get the last teaspoonful4 ,if your soup is too hot1 do not blow it1 but wait till it cools4 ,in eating it sit upright1 and do not rest your forearms on the table4 ,silver fish-knives are now found on most tables4 ,where there are none1 fish should be eaten with a bit of bread in the left hand and a fork in the right4 ,neither soup nor fish1 where there is any ceremony1 is ever offered1 much less accepted1 twice4 ,at the table1 the most difficult and the most important thing to learn is to use the knife and fork thoroughly well4 ,to do this both must be so held that the ends of the handles are directly in the palms of the hand1 i4e41 when the point of the knife is used4 ,at all tables where four-tined forks are provided1 the knife should be used only to divide the food1 never to convey it to the mouth4 ,for this purpose1 we use either the fork1 a spoon1 or the fingers4 ,as the fork is now used almost exclusively to convey all kinds of food that have any consistency to the mouth1 it is very desirable that one should know how to use it properly4 ,there is a right and a wrong way1 a skilful and an awkward way to use it1 as well as to use any other implement4 ,the fork must not be used in the left hand with the tines pointing upward1 i4e41 spoon fashion4 ,persons that so use it1 though they may and generally do think they are doing quite the proper thing1 are really doing as awkward a thing as it would be possible for them to do at the table4 ,they have--they will doubtless be surprised to hear--their lesson but half learned4 ,food that is conveyed to the mouth with the fork held in the left hand should be taken up either on the point of the tines1 or on their convex side4 ,in the right hand1 the fork may be used with the tines pointing upward or downward1 as one will4 ,previously to the advent of the four-tined silver fork1 which was introduced into ,england from the ,continent about the year #ahad or #ahae1 everybody ate with the knife--the ,chesterfields1 the ,brummels1 the ,blessingtons1 the ,savarins1 and all4 ,the fastidious were very careful1 however1 not to put the knife into the mouth edge first4 ,that was avoided by the well bred then as much as the putting the knife into the mouth at all is avoided by the well bred now4 ,eating with the knife is not1 in itself1 a grievous offence2 it does not1 as some pretend1 endanger the lips1 even though the knife is used edge first4 ,it is simply a matter of prejudice4 ,yet your lady hostess would rather you would speak ill of her friends and make bad puns than eat with your knife at her table4 ,why8 ,because your eating with your knife at her table would argue1 nowadays1 that she associated with low-bred1 uncultured people4 ,should you1 however1 find yourself at a table where they have the old-fashioned steel forks1 eat with your knife1 as the others do1 and do not let it be seen that you have any objection to doing so1 nor let it be known that you ever do otherwise4 ,he that advised us 8to do in ,rome as the ,romans do0 was a true gentleman4 ,the fork is used in eating such vegetables as can be easily managed with it2 those that cannot be easily managed with it are eaten with a dessert-spoon--peas1 stewed tomatoes1 and succotash1 for example1 especially when they are served in small dishes4 ,a high ,english authority says3 8,eat peas with a dessert-spoon1 and curry also40 ,asparagus may be handled with the fingers of the left hand4 ,so may ,saratoga potatoes and olives4 ,on this subject we recently clipped the following paragraph from one of our periodicals3 8,that there is a variety of ways to eat asparagus1 one may convince one's self by a single visit to the dining-room of any of our fashionable summer hotels4 ,there one will see all the methods of carrying the stalk to the mouth4 ,but the ,paris ,figaro1 in one of its #8,conseils par ,jour1' on #8,how is ,asparagus ,eaten in ,good ,society8' says3 #8,one must carefully abstain from taking the stalk in the fingers to dip it in the sauce and afterward put it in the mouth1 as a great many people do4 ,the tip should be cut off and eaten by means of the fork1 the rest of the stalk being laid aside on the plate1 of course without being touched by the fingers4 ,those that proceed in any other way are barbarians4' ,we may observe1 in reply to #8,pau de ,paris1' that many persons belonging to the best society do not hesitate to eat asparagus la bonne franquette1 and yet are by no means #8barbarians4' ,we do not agree with our confrre for two reasons4 ,in the first place1 the exquisite vegetable cannot be properly appreciated unless eaten in the way that excites the ire of our contemporary4 ,our second reason is that1 from an art point of view1 there cannot be a more charming sight than to see a pretty woman #8caressing' a piece of asparagus40 ,green corn should be cut from the cob and then eaten with a fork4 ,first run your knife through the middle of each row of kernels and then cut them off4 ,a dull knife is the best1 because it does not really cut the kernels off1 but forces them out of the hulls4 ,cheese is eaten with a fork1 or is placed1 with a knife1 on bits of bread and carried to the mouth with the thumb and finger1 care being taken not to touch the cheese4 ,pies and pts1 as a rule1 are eaten with a fork only4 ,sometimes1 however1 it is necessary to use a knife to divide the crust1 but not often4 8,jellies1 blanc-mange1 iced puddings1 and the like are eaten10 says an ,english authority1 8with a fork1 as are all sweets sufficiently substantial to admit of it40 ,this may be very sensible1 but it will seem to many persons1 as it does to the writer1 to be very senseless4 ,by and by the fork mania will banish the spoon altogether4 ,in a late number of the ,london ,queen this fork-and-spoon question is discussed as follows3 8,but to go back to the debatable lands of our own compatriots1 and the odd things that some do1 and the undecided cases that still give rise to controversy4 ,there is that battlefield of the fork and the spoon1 and whether the former ought to be used for all sweets whatsoever1 with the exception of custard and gooseberry food1 which answer the question for themselves2 or whether it is not better to use a spoon where slipperiness is an element1 and #8the solution of continuity' a condition4 ,some people hunt their ice1 for example1 with a fork1 which lets the melting margin drop through the prongs2 and some stick their small trident into jelly1 at the risk of seeing the whole thing slip off like an amorphous1 translucent1 gold-colored snake4 ,the same with such compounds as custard pudding1 crme renverse1 and the like1 where it is a feat of skill to skewer the separate morsels deftly1 and where a small sea of unutilized juice is left on the plate4 ,this monotonous use of the fork and craven fear of the vulgarity lying in the spoon seems to us mere table snobbery4 ,it is a well-known ,english axiom that the fork is to be used in preference to the spoon when possible and convenient4 ,but the people who use it always--when scarcely possible and decidedly inconvenient--are people so desperately afraid of not doing the right thing1 that they do the wrong out of very flunkeyism and of fear of ,mrs4 ,grundy in the corner4 ,it is the same with the law of eating all soft meats with the fork only1 abjuring the knife4 ,on the one hand1 you will see people courageously hewing with their knives at sweetbread1 suprme de volaille1 and the like2 on the other1 the snobbish fine work themselves into a fever with their forks against a cutlet1 and would not for the lives of them use a knife to cut with ease that which by main force and at great discomfort they can tear asunder with a fork40 ,if you have occasion to help yourself from a dish1 or if any one else helps you1 move your plate quite close to the dish4 ,at a dinner served in courses1 it is better1 as a rule1 not to take a second supply of anything4 ,it might delay the dinner4 ,the ,english eat boiled eggs from the shell1 a custom that is followed to some extent in this country2 but most ,americans prefer to break them1 or to have them broken1 into a glass1 a mode that certainly has its advantages1 and that will commend itself to those that have not time to dawdle over their breakfast4 ,in noticing a little book on manners that recently appeared1 the ,new ,york ,sun feelingly inveighs in this wise against eating boiled eggs from a glass3 8,we are glad to think that the time has gone by when ,americans with any pretensions to refinement needed to be informed that an egg beaten up in a glass is an unsightly mess that has often turned the stomach of the squeamish looker-on4 ,those who cannot learn to eat boiled eggs from the shell will do well to avoid them altogether4 ,if the author of this hand-book had watched ,american experiments with exhaustive attention1 he might have deemed it well to add that no part of the contents of the egg should be allowed to drip down the outside of the shell1 and that the eggshell1 when depleted1 should be broken before being deposited on the plate40 ,it would seem to be as unpleasant to the writer of this paragraph to see an egg eaten from a glass as it is to a ,bavarian to see a man wait till he gets over the threshold of a lager-beer saloon before he takes his hat off4 ,a matter of mere prejudice in both cases4 ,if an egg broken into a glass is really 8an unsightly mess10 then let us have some opaque egg-glasses4 ,bread should be broken4 ,to butter a large piece of bread and then bite it1 as children do1 is something the knowing never do4 ,in eating game or poultry do not touch the bones with your fingers4 ,to take a bone in the fingers for the purpose of picking it is looked upon as being a very inelegant proceeding4 ,never gesticulate with your knife or fork in your hand1 nor hold them pointing upward when you are not using them2 keep them down on your plate4 ,never load up your fork with food until you are ready to convey it to your mouth1 unless you are famishing and you think your life depends on your not losing a second4 ,never put your own knife into the butter or the salt if there is a butter-knife and a salt-spoon4 ,if you are compelled to use your own knife1 first wipe it as clean as possible on your bread4 ,never use your own knife or fork to help another4 ,use rather the knife or fork of the person you help4 ,never send your knife and fork1 or either of them1 on your plate when you send for a second supply4 ,there are several good reasons for not doing so1 and not one good reason for doing so4 ,never hold your knife and fork meanwhile in your hand1 either1 but lay them down1 and that1 too1 with something under them--a piece of bread1 for example--to protect the table-cloth4 ,never carry your food to your mouth with any curves or flourishes1 unless you want to look as though you were airing your company manners4 ,better a pound of awkwardness at any time than an ounce of self-consciousness4 ,never use a steel knife to cut fruit if there is a silver one4 ,never stick your elbows out when you use your knife and fork4 ,keep them close to your sides4 ,having finished using your knife and fork1 lay them on your plate1 side by side1 with the handles pointing a little to your right4 ,this will be taken by an experienced waiter as an intimation that you are ready to have your plate removed4 ,whenever you use the fingers to convey anything to the mouth or to remove anything from the mouth1 let it be the fingers of the left hand4 ,when you eat a fruit that has a pit or a skin that is not swallowed1 the pit or skin must be removed from the mouth with the fingers of the left hand1 or with a spoon or fork in the right4 ,any other mode is most offensive4 ,tea1 coffee1 chocolate and the like are drunk from the cup and never from the saucer4 ,put your spoon in the saucer should you send your cup to be refilled2 otherwise1 it may be left in the cup4 ,never blow your tea or coffee2 if it is too hot to be drunk1 wait till it cools4 ,in handling glasses1 keep your fingers a goodly distance from the top1 but do not go to the other extreme2 and if you handle a goblet or a wine-glass1 take hold of the stem only4 ,take hold of the bowl just above the stem4 ,in helping yourself to butter1 take at once as much as you think you shall require1 and try to leave the roll in as good shape as you find it4 ,in returning the knife1 do not stick it into the roll1 but lay it on the side of the plate4 ,in masticating your food1 keep your mouth shut2 otherwise you will make a noise that will be very offensive to those around you4 ,don't eat in a mincing1 dainty manner1 as though you had no appetite1 nor devour your food as though you were famishing4 ,eat as though you relished your food1 but not as though you were afraid you would not get enough4 ,don't attempt to talk with a full mouth4 ,one thing at a time is as much as any man can do well4 ,few men talk well when they do nothing else1 and few men chew their food well when they have nothing else to do4 ,partake sparingly of delicacies1 which are generally served in small quantities1 and decline them if offered a second time4 ,should you find a worm or an insect in your salad or in a plate of fruit1 hand your plate to a waiter1 without comment1 and he will bring you another4 ,see that the lady that you escorted to the table is well helped4 ,anticipate her wants1 if possible4 ,never tip your chair1 nor lounge back in it1 nor put your thumbs in the arm holes of your waistcoat4 ,never hitch up your sleeves1 as some men have the habit of doing1 as though you were going to make mud pies4 ,if the conversation tends to be general--and it should tend to be general at a small dinner-party--take good heed that you1 at least1 listen1 which is the only sure way ,i know of for every man to appear to advantage4 ,never1 under any circumstances1 no matter where you are1 cry out 8,waiter60 ,no man of any breeding ever does it4 ,wait till you can catch the attendant's eye1 and by a nod bring him to you4 ,unless you are asked to do so1 never select any particular part of a dish2 but if you are asked choose promptly1 though you may have no preference4 ,if a dish is distasteful to you decline it1 and without comment4 ,never put bones or the pits of fruit on the table-cloth4 ,put them on the side of your plate4 ,always wipe your mouth before drinking1 in order that you may not grease the brim of your glass with your lips4 ,taking wine with people and the drinking of toasts at private dinners are no longer the fashion4 ,every one drinks much or little or none at all as he chooses1 without attracting attention4 ,if1 however1 you should find yourself at a table where the old custom is observed1 you will not invite your host to take wine with you2 it is his privilege to invite you4 ,if you are invited to drink with an acquaintance1 and you do not drink wine1 bow1 raise your glass of water1 and drink with him4 ,if you do drink wine1 take the same sort as that selected by the person you drink with4 ,it is considered ill bred to empty your glass on these occasions or to drink a full glass of wine at a draught on any occasion4 ,while on the subject of wine-drinking1 it may not be amiss to observe that in ,england it is considered inelegant to say 8port wine0 or 8sherry wine40 ,in ,england they always say 8port0 or 8sherry40 ,on the other hand1 no well-bred ,frenchman ever speaks of wines in any other way than as 8,vin de ,champagne10 8,vin de ,bordeaux10 and so on4 ,thus we see that what is the wrong thing to do in one country is the right thing to do in another4 ,do not offer a lady wine till she has finished her soup4 ,do not hesitate to take the last piece on a dish or the last glass of wine in a decanter simply because it is the last4 ,to do so is to indirectly express the fear that you would exhaust the supply4 ,avoid picking your teeth at the table if possible2 but if pick them you must1 do it1 if you can1 when you are not observed4 8,there is one continental custom10 says the ,london ,queen1 8which the true-born ,briton holds in holy horror--that is1 the use of those convenient little lengths of wood which to every foreigner are as necessary to his comfort as a napkin for his mouth or water for his fingers4 ,we ,english regard the use of the toothpick as a barbarism1 a horror1 an indecency1 and would not take one of those clean wooden spills between our lips for all the world4 ,nevertheless1 a great many of us who would shudder at the iniquity of a toothpick1 thrust our fingers into our mouths and free our back teeth with these natural #8cure-dents1' which gives a singularly wolfish and awful appearance to the operator1 and makes the onlooker regret the insular prejudice which will not rather use the universal continental toothpick1 wherein1 at least1 if properly and delicately done1 is no kind of indecency or disgust40 ,the procedure with finger-bowls and doilies differs somewhat on different occasions1 the difference depending upon the time the bowl is brought1 and whether a little white napkin comes with it4 ,if the bowl1 with a doily only1 comes on your dessert-plate1 you will remove it to your left1 placing the doily under it4 ,when you come to use the bowl1 you will wet your fingers in the perfumed water it contains1 and then dry them on your napkin4 ,but if a little white napkin is brought with the bowl and doily1 you will use that to wipe your fingers on4 ,it is entirely permissible to wet the corner of your table-napkin1 or of the little white napkin that comes with the bowl1 and pass it over your lips4 ,of course1 you would do this before putting your fingers in the water4 ,if there are any fruit-stains on your fingers1 you will use the bit of lemon that comes in the water to remove them4 ,if an accident of any kind soever should occur during dinner1 the cause being who or what it may1 you should not seem to note it4 ,should you be so unfortunate as to overturn or to break anything1 you would make no apology4 ,you might let your regret appear in your face1 but it would not be proper to put it in words4 ,never fold your napkin where you are invited for one meal only1 nor at a hotel or restaurant1 but lay it loosely on the table4 ,by folding it you would intimate that you thought some one else might use it before it had been sent to the laundry4 ,but if you are at a friend's house for a day or two or longer1 then you will do with your napkin as you see the members of the family do with theirs4 ,at the last meal1 however1 you should lay your napkin on the table unfolded4 ,if the ladies withdraw after dinner1 leaving the gentlemen1 rise when they leave the table and remain standing until they have left the room4 ,the gentleman that is seated nearest the door or that is quickest of movement should open the door for the ladies to pass out and close it after them4 ,it is no longer the custom for the gentlemen to remain at the table for more than fifteen or twenty minutes1 instead of from three quarters of an hour to an hour1 as formerly4 ,indeed1 there are those that look upon the custom of remaining at all as a relic of barbarism4 ,one should remain in the drawing-room from half an hour to an hour after dinner4 ,to leave sooner would betray a lack of good breeding4 ,if you would be what you would like to be--abroad1 take care that you are what you would like to be--at home4 ,,in ,,public4 ,politeness is as natural to delicate natures as perfume is to flowers4--,,de ,,finod4 ,politeness is a curb that holds our worser selves in check4--,,mme4 ,,de ,,bassanville4 ,the surest way to please is to forget one's self1 and to think only of others4--,,moncrief4 ,to be polite1 it is sufficient to consider the comfort1 the feelings1 and the rights of others4--,,anonymous4 ,what if the manners imitated are frippery2 better frippery than brutality2 and1 after all1 there is little danger that the intrinsic value of the sturdiest iron will be impaired by a coating of even the most diaphanous gilt4--,,edgar ,,allan ,,poe4 ,we all judge one another1 and very properly1 too1 by externals4 ,most men appear like what they are1 and there are those that are so experienced in judging their fellows by their appearance and bearing1 that they rarely err4 ,it is quite as true that the surest way to appear like a gentleman is to be one1 as it is that the surest way to appear like an honest man is to be one4 ,life is made up of little things1 and attention to them is evidence of a great rather than of a little mind4 ,to a large understanding everything is important1 and he that most readily descends to little things is also the most competent to compass great ones4 ,in another chapter the subject of appearance is treated of2 in this ,i purpose to treat more especially of bearing4 ,if a man would appear like a gentleman1 he must walk1 stand1 and sit like one4 ,in walking he should1 above all1 avoid everything that is unnatural or that smacks of self-consciousness4 ,how often do we see men in the street whose every movement tells us their minds are chiefly on themselves6 ,one throws his chest out la dindon1 while another walks with an abnormal stoop2 but both delight in a kind of rolling1 swaggering gait and an unnatural swing of the arms4 ,we all know1 when we see such a man1 no matter what his appearance in other respects may be1 that he is a person of low breeding4 ,not only is a man's walk an index of his character and of the grade of his culture1 but it is also an index of the frame of mind he is in4 ,there is the thoughtful walk and the thoughtless walk1 the responsible walk and the careless walk1 the worker's walk and the idler's walk1 the ingenuous walk and the insidious walk1 and so on4 ,in a word1 what there is in us we all carry in essentially the same way2 hence the surest way to have the carriage of gentility is to have gentility to carry4 ,it is also necessary that a man should pay attention to the manner in which he stands1 when he is in the presence of others1 and especially when he is in conversation with any one toward whom he would be at all respectful4 ,dropping in the hip1 spreading the feet wide apart1 putting the hands behind the back1 putting the thumbs into the arm-holes of the vest--in short1 standing in a nonchalant1 take-it-easy manner is not permissible4 ,one should stand still and erect--somewhat la militaire--and the best place for the hands is where the attraction of gravitation takes them1 when the muscles of the arms are relaxed4 ,this position1 to the tyro1 seems unnatural1 stiff1 and ungraceful1 while1 in fact1 it is natural1 graceful1 and respectful4 ,this is one of the first things a dancing master should teach his pupils1 and it always is one of the first things taught the learner for the stage4 ,nor is the manner in which a man sits of less importance than the manner in which he walks or stands4 ,the well-bred man does not loll and lounge in his chair1 unless he is in the society of familiars1 where one's society strait-jacket may1 according to circumstances1 be more or less loosened4 ,in short1 that kind of comfort that is found in lolling and lounging and rocking and tipping back one's chair is incompatible with a respectful bearing4 ,among thoroughly well-bred people the world over1 usage herein is very exacting4 ,in public1 the bow is the proper mode of salutation1 also under certain circumstances in private2 and1 according to circumstances1 it should be familiar1 cordial1 respectful1 or formal4 ,an inclination of the head or a gesture with the hand or cane suffices between men1 except when one would be specially deferential to age or position2 but in saluting a lady1 the hat should be removed4 ,a very common mode of doing this in ,new ,york1 at present1 particularly by the younger men1 is to jerk the hat off and sling it on as hastily as possible4 ,as haste is incompatible with grace1 and as there is an old pantomimic law that 8every picture must be held0 for a longer or shorter time1 the jerk-and-sling manner of removing the hat1 in salutation1 is not to be commended4 ,the empressement a man puts into his salutations is graduated by circumstances1 the most deferential manner being to carry the hat down the full length of the arm1 keeping it there until the person saluted has passed4 ,if a man stops to speak to a lady in the street he should remain uncovered1 unless the conversation should be protracted1 which it is sure not to be1 if either of the parties knows and cares to observe the proprieties4 ,a well-bred man1 meeting a lady in a public place1 though she is a near relative--wife1 mother1 or sister--and though he may have parted from her but half an hour before1 will salute her as deferentially as he would salute a mere acquaintance4 ,the passers-by are ignorant of the relationship1 and to them his deferential manner says3 8,she is a lady40 ,well-bred men often remove their hats when ill-bred men keep them on2 for example1 in second-class restaurants and especially in oyster saloons4 ,again1 the ill-bred man1 though he may perhaps remove his hat in such places1 will wear it the entire length of the room on entering and leaving1 whereas the well-bred man carries his hat as he passes the other guests4 ,so1 too1 the ill-bred man often wears his hat until he reaches his seat at a place of amusement1 though his seat is one of those that are farthest from the entrance4 ,the well-bred man raises his hat if he passes a lady1 though a stranger1 in the hall of a hotel1 on the stairs1 if he does her any little service1 as the restoring of her fan1 her glove1 or anything1 or if she makes an inquiry of him or he of her4 ,he will not1 however1 as some would have us do1 raise his hat if he passes a lady's fare in a street car or an omnibus4 ,a lady's fare sometimes passes through the hands of several men before it reaches the cash-box4 ,should they all raise their hats1 or only the first one1 or only the last one1 or should no one8 ,the following defence of my lovely countrywomen will not be wholly out of place here4 ,it is from 8,social ,etiquette10 and ,i fully agree with the writer--cash-box excepted4 ,she says3 8,a gentleman lifts his hat when offering a service to a strange lady4 ,it may be the restoration of her kerchief or fan1 the receiving of her change to pass it to the cash-box of a stage1 the opening of her umbrella as she descends from a carriage--all the same2 he lifts it before he offers his service1 or during the courtesy1 if possible4 ,she bows1 and1 if she choose1 she also smiles her acknowledgment2 but she does the latter faintly1 and she does not speak4 ,to say #8,thank you6' is not an excess of acknowledgment1 but it has ceased to be etiquette4 ,a bow may convey more gratitude than speech40 8,this last information is more especially furnished to foreigners1 who consider our ladies ungracious in some of these customs1 and indelicately forward in others4 ,in the matter of thanks to strangers for any little attentions they bestow upon ladies1 we beg leave to establish our own methods1 and no one finds it necessary to imitate the ,german1 the ,french1 the ,english1 or the ,spanish in these delicate matters40 ,the best usage demands that the hat be removed in entering offices where the occupants are found uncovered4 ,it is the custom to remove the hats in hotel elevators1 when there are ladies in them2 but it is so inconvenient to do so when the elevator is full1 that it would be well if the custom were abandoned4 ,it is a surplusage de politesse1 at the best4 ,good usage does not demand that a man shall remove his hat when he has both hands occupied4 ,it is better1 however1 for a man to remove his hat1 when the occasion demands it1 if he can do so at all easily1 as the lady that he salutes may not be aware that1 having both hands occupied1 he should not be expected to do so4 ,if a man is driving1 he salutes with a flourish of the whip1 if he is carrying it2 if not1 the right hand being free1 he removes his hat4 ,a gentleman walking with an acquaintance1 lady or gentleman1 raises his hat to those persons that his acquaintance salutes2 he does not1 however1 do more than simply raise it4 8,there may be circumstances10 says the author of 8,social ,etiquette10 8when a gentleman may lift his hat to a passing lady1 even though he cannot bow to her4 ,she may be offended with him1 and yet he may respect and feel kindly toward her4 ,he may deserve her disregard1 and it is permitted him to express his continued reverence by uncovering his head in her presence2 but he has no right to look at her as she passes him4 ,he must drop his eyes40 ,if a man meets a lady with whom he is but slightly acquainted1 he should wait for a look of recognition from her before he salutes her4 8,a great deal of nonsense10 says ,louise ,chandler ,moulton1 8has been talked about the question of whose place it is to bow first when a lady and gentleman meet in the street or in any public assembly4 ,it is very absurd to say that a man should always wait until a lady has recognized him4 ,in this1 as in most other matters1 common-sense and mutual convenience are the only guides4 ,many ladies are near-sighted1 many others find great difficulty in remembering faces4 ,are they1 because of these drawbacks1 to be always debarred of the pleasure of a chance meeting with some agreeable man8 ,the important thing of course is that a man should not presume40 8,when two people meet who are really acquainted1 it is not the man who should necessarily bow first1 or the lady--it is simply whichever of them is the first to perceive and recognize the other4 ,if a lady is walking and meets a man whom she knows well1 and who desires to speak with her1 he will of course not commit the awkwardness of keeping her standing in the street1 but if he has time will beg permission to join her for a few moments1 and walk beside her long enough for a brief chat40 ,in our wide streets1 the custom of giving the lady the wall-side of the pavement is not rigidly observed1 but it should be in the narrow ones1 unless the street is one very much frequented1 like some of our down-town streets1 when it is better for the lady to be always on the gentleman's right1 where she will be less jostled by the passers-by4 ,when two men walk together1 it is usual for the shorter one to take the upper side of the pavement1 which renders the difference in height less observable4 ,in public conveyances the well-bred1 considerate man offers his seat to any one that seems to need it more than he does--to the aged and infirm1 for example1 no matter what social stratum they may appear to belong to1 to women with bundles or babies in their arms4 ,such as these should always take precedence over youth1 beauty1 or social position4 ,in a carriage a gentleman always gives the back seat to ladies accompanying him4 ,if a gentleman drives out with one lady1 he always places her on his right1 which is the seat of honor2 unless1 of course1 it is a one-seated vehicle1 when he drives4 ,neither in a carriage nor anywhere else should a man put his arm over the back of the lady's seat4 ,if a man were to do so1 many ladies would request him to withdraw it4 ,if men stop in the street to converse1 they should be careful not to stop where they will be in the way of the passers-by4 ,we often see the thoughtless and inconsiderate stop directly opposite a crossing4 ,in carrying an umbrella or a cane under your arm1 do not publish your awkwardness by carrying it in such a way as to make a cross of yourself1 with the lance end sticking out behind you1 endangering the eyes of others4 ,place the handle end under your arm1 and let the lance end point forward and downward4 ,unless you have something of importance to communicate1 do not stop an acquaintance in the street during business hours1 or1 perhaps1 it would be better to say at any time4 ,if an acquaintance should stop you in the street when your time is limited1 you may with perfect propriety courteously excuse yourself and hasten forward4 ,when walking with an acquaintance1 do not leave him to speak to another acquaintance without a word of apology4 ,should you be walking with a lady1 do not leave her alone if you can well avoid it4 ,if you see an acquaintance to whom you have something to say in conversation with some one else1 do not go up and take possession of him after the fashion of the unbred4 ,let him know that you would speak with him and wait his leisure4 ,if he is a man of any breeding1 he will not keep you waiting long4 ,one salutation to a person passing on a promenade or drive is all that usage requires4 ,good usage does not allow a man to smoke when driving or walking with ladies4 ,as a rule1 a man should not offer to shake hands with a lady when they meet on neutral ground4 ,in his own house1 yes2 in hers1 certainly not4 8,there is a right and a wrong way to shake hands10 says an ,english writer4 8,it is horrible when your unoffending digits are seized in the sharp compass of a kind of vise1 and wrung and squeezed until you feel as if they were reduced to a jelly4 ,it is not less horrible when you find them lying in a limp1 nerveless clasp that makes no response to your hearty greeting1 but chills you like a lump of ice4 ,shake hands as if you meant it--swiftly1 strenuously1 and courteously1 neither using an undue pressure nor falling wholly supine4 ,you may judge of the character of a man from the way in which he shakes hands4 ,as for the cold-blooded creatures who austerely offer you one or two fingers1 ,i recommend you to ignore them2 look loftily over them1 as if unconscious of their existence and--their fingers4 ,but if a lady does you the honor to offer you her hand1 take it with an air of grateful deference that will show how you appreciate the honor2 do not drop it instantly as if the touch scared you1 nor hold it so long as to cause her a feeling of uneasiness40 ,tight-fitting gloves--kid and dogskin1 for example--should never be removed to shake hands with any one1 nor should a man ever say1 8,excuse my glove40 ,there is less handshaking done now than formerly4 ,if you meet an acquaintance in the street when you are walking with a friend1 do not introduce them2 nor should you ever introduce people in public places1 unless you have good reason to believe that the introduction will be agreeable--nay more1 is desired by both parties4 ,the universal introducer is a very unpleasant person to associate with4 ,in introducing persons1 it is the lower that is introduced to the higher1 and1 as a rule1 the younger to the older1 the gentleman to the lady4 ,no one would think of introducing an octogenarian to a girl of sixteen4 8,the introduction that entitles to recognition having been once made10 says ,mrs4 ,ward1 8it is the duty of the younger person to recall himself or herself to the recollection of the older person1 if there is much difference in age1 by bowing each time of meeting1 until the recognition becomes mutual4 ,as persons advance in life they look for these attentions on the part of the young1 and it may be1 in some instances1 that it is the only way the young have of showing their appreciation of courtesies extended to them by the old or middle-aged40 ,the author of 8,social ,etiquette0 says3 8,ladies who entertain hospitably and possess hosts of friends are likely to invite many young gentlemen with whose families they are familiar2 but as they seldom have an opportunity of seeing their young friends except for a moment or two during an evening party1 it would be strange if sometimes these ladies should not fail to recognize a recent guest when they meet on the promenade4 ,young gentlemen are over-sensitive about these matters1 and imagine that there must be a reason for the apparent indifference4 ,that the lady invites him to her house is an evidence of her regard1 but she cannot charge her memory with the features of her multitude of young acquaintances1 much as she would like to show this courtesy to them all40 8,should any one10 says an authority in such matters1 8wish to avoid a bowing acquaintance with a person who has once been properly introduced1 he may do so by looking aside1 or dropping the eyes as the person approaches2 for if the eyes meet there is no alternative1 bow he must40 ,if a gentleman meets a lady acquaintance in the street1 it is optional with her whether she will stop or not4 ,if the gentleman has anything to say to her1 he should turn and walk with her until he has said what he has to say4 ,when he takes leave of her he will bow and raise his hat4 ,there is no one thing1 perhaps1 in which the difference between the well-bred man and the ill-bred man more appears than in the manner in which1 the place where1 and the time when they smoke4 ,the well-bred man does not smoke1 nor does he seem to smoke1 to show off1 whereas the ill-bred man very often smokes in a self-conscious manner that seems to say3 8,look at me6 see how skilfully my lips hold this cigar2 how ,i can shift it from one side of my mouth to the other without touching it with my fingers1 and how well ,i can articulate with it in my mouth2 in short1 look you what perfect control ,i have over my labial muscles1 and1 having seen1 admire60 ,in short1 there are many low-bred young men--very many--that appear to smoke only to display their--imagined--grace and skill1 when1 in fact1 in smoking as they do1 where they do1 and when they do1 they but publish their vulgarity4 ,such men are certainly not of the sort that ,shakespeare accuses of having a 8vaulting ambition40 ,as they smoke chiefly for show1 a poor cigar answers their purpose as well as a good one2 consequently1 they usually buy of the kind that are sold at the rate of two for a cent4 ,the well-bred man1 on the contrary1 the gentleman1 the man that smokes only for the love of it1 puts but as much of his cigar in his mouth as is necessary in order to draw it1 keeps it in his mouth no longer than is necessary1 and never fails to remove it when he talks1 or passes any one toward whom he would be respectful1 especially a lady4 ,further1 our best-bred men never smoke in any street at an hour when it is much frequented1 nor in any public place where smoking is likely to be offensive to others4 ,fortunately1 neither 8young ,america0 nor 8old0 is much given to smoking a pipe outside of his own domicile4 ,when we see a pipe in our streets or in public places it is generally in the mouth of either an ,englishman1 a ,canadian1 or an ,irish hodcarrier4 8,give up to #8cads' and #8snobs' the practice of smoking in the streets or in a theatre10 says the author of 8,the ,glass of ,fashion40 8,gentlemen never smoke in the streets1 except at night10 says another4 8,a well-bred man will never pass a lady with a cigar in his mouth1 whether he knows her or not1 not even in a desert10 says yet another4 ,from another writer we have3 8,in the eyes of persons of the best culture1 a cigar or a cigarette in a man's mouth1 in public places1 vulgarizes his appearance2 hence men of the best fashion never smoke in the street1 except at night40 8,in ,england10 says ,mrs4 ,duffey1 8a well-bred man never smokes in the street4 ,are we obliged to say that this rule does not hold in this country1 or shall we repeat it with an emphasis on the well bred8 ,at all events1 no gentleman will ever insult a lady by smoking in the streets in her company2 and in meeting and saluting a lady he will always remove his cigar from his mouth40 ,spitting is one of those things that no man should do1 if he can avoid it4 ,if in the street1 common decency1 it would seem1 should prompt a man to go to the gutter if he finds it necessary to spit2 and if anywhere else1 it should prompt him not to spit on the floor1 be the floor carpeted or not4 ,we often see men spit on a carpet1 especially in our theatres1 but we never see any man spit on a carpet of his own4 ,another disagreeable habit is that of going about singing1 humming1 or whistling4 ,the man that habitually does any one of these things1 either in the street--no matter what the hour--in the halls of hotels1 as he goes up and down stairs1 or in his own apartments1 when there is any one within hearing1 has the manners of a boor1 and deserves the calaboose for disorderly conduct4 ,pointing1 too1 as a habit should be avoided1 especially pointing with the thumb over the shoulder1 which is a very inelegant action4 ,another vulgar habit to be avoided is that of going about with a toothpick in the mouth4 8,the ball is the paradise of love10 says an ,english writer4 8,in the happy spring-time of life1 when the brain is fertile in pleasant fancies1 and the heart throbs with unexpressed hopes--when every day brings with it a new pleasure1 and every night a new reason for looking forward with joyous anticipation to the morrow--when our energies are as exhaustless as our spirits1 and no sense of fatigue or weariness can oppress us1 the ball-room becomes an enchanted world of light and music and perfume1 into which that ubiquitous #8black care' of the ,roman poet durst not intrude1 where sorrow is never seen1 and past and future are forgotten in the innocent intoxications of the present4 8,to the young ear1 what so delightful as merry music8 ,to the youthful eye1 what so attractive as the spectacle of fair forms gracefully revolving in the soft1 sweet mazes of the mystic dance8 ,and if we know that #8at the ball' we shall meet that #8other half' of one's self--,romeo or ,juliet1 as the case may be1 but ,romeo without his melancholy1 and ,juliet without her tragedy--can it be wondered at that it draws us thither with an irresistible attraction8 8,ah1 when the noontide comes1 and already the shadows of evening gather over our downward path1 how will remembrance bring back to us the days when it was bliss to touch one beloved hand1 to take one trusting form in our reverent embrace--when it was joy untold for ,romeo and ,juliet to tread the painted floor together1 and1 side by side1 to circle round and round to the strains of ,strauss or ,gung'l6 ,and then1 in the pauses of the dance1 the brief whisper on the cool balcony or beneath the broad palms of the conservatory6 ,and last of all1 the privilege of draping those graceful shoulders with the protecting shawl1 and the last sweet pressure of clinging fingers as ,juliet passed into the carriage that was to bear her from our wistful gaze60 ,if a young man would go into society--and every young man should go into society--and if he learn to dance1 as most young men do1 he should learn to dance properly4 ,to compass this end1 it is of the first importance that he select a good teacher4 ,there are not a few of the dancing-masters nowadays--some of the more fashionable ones1 too--that are quite ignorant of the art they pretend to teach4 ,as a natural consequence1 their pupils dance badly1 if they can be really said to dance at all4 ,they are ungraceful1 and do not mark the time1 nor make any perceptible distinction between the different round dances1 whereas each round dance properly has a distinctive step and movement4 ,in dancing the round dances1 in order to dance gracefully1 never bend forward1 but carry yourself erect1 and do not bend in the knees2 never put your arm around your partner's waist farther than is necessary to hold her securely2 never extend your left arm la pump-handle1 but keep your left hand1 firmly holding the lady's right1 opposite and a little below your left shoulder1 and put it nowhere else2 never pass around the hall more rapidly than the measure compels you to pass--rapidity is incompatible with grace--and always point with the toe to the floor when the foot is raised4 ,take short steps1 and take them with as little evident muscular exertion as possible4 ,grace and ease1 or seeming ease1 are inseparable4 ,the most popular of the round dances nowadays is a dance that is called a waltz1 though it is no more like what we called a waltz twenty-five years ago1 nor any more like the only dance the ,europeans call a waltz now1 than a minuet is like a country break-down4 ,its popularity is largely1 if not wholly1 due to the comparative ease with which it is learned4 ,the dancing-masters say that the 8old-fashioned0 waltz1 as it is now called1 is too hard to learn2 that there are few that can learn to dance it well2 that the dancers nowadays care little for grace of movement2 that if they are amused they are content1 and so on4 ,if the waltz--the genuine waltz--is the most difficult of all the round dances to learn1 it is also the most fascinating of them all for the accomplished dancer1 and the most pleasing to the looker-on1 because of all the round dances its movements are made with the most grace1 dignity1 precision1 and biensance4 ,if for no other reason1 the waltz--so called--of to-day cannot be danced gracefully on account of the backward movement it demands4 ,he that has never had any sthetic training in the movements of the body1 and especially he that has no innate sense of the graceful may think differently1 but this is true nevertheless4 ,another reason1 and a very important one too1 that the movements of this dance cannot be made gracefully is because they compel the dancer to carry himself with his shoulders thrown somewhat forward and with the knees a good deal bent--two things that are incompatible with graceful physical action4 ,but perhaps the most serious objection to the waltz of nowadays is the habit of 8reversing0 that is indulged in by those that dance it4 ,reversing is simply a barbarism1 as those that indulge in it do not and cannot avoid bumping against the other dancers4 ,a man that dances the round dances well1 and does not reverse1 never runs against anybody2 he goes just where he wants to go1 and goes nowhere else1 and he always wants to go straight around the sides of the hall4 ,the plea of the reverser is that if he turns one way all the time1 he gets dizzy4 ,nonsense6 ,in the days when there was no reversing done1 nobody complained of dizziness4 ,if1 at first1 there is a tendency that way1 it soon wears off4 ,there is surely no pleasure in dancing1 if one is continually jostled1 and as long as reversing is practised1 dancers will continue to jostle one another4 ,no man1 of course1 can dance the round dances well and gracefully1 unless he has a good partner4 ,if he makes the attempt with a lady that does not know the steps1 or that seems desirous to rest her head on his shoulder1 he will be quite certain not to succeed4 ,dancers of the round dances should always keep as far apart as the length of the gentleman's arm will permit1 and both should stand erect1 with the shoulders well back4 ,to dance otherwise is vulgar in the extreme4 ,in the round dances1 good usage demands that you make frequent pauses1 and that you do not race round and round until the music ceases4 ,if you would exhibit your powers of endurance1 enter the field as a champion runner4 8,i could rave10 says a high ,english authority1 8through three pages about the innocent enjoyment of a good waltz1 its grace and beauty1 but ,i will be practical instead1 and give you a few hints on the subject4 8,the position is the most important point4 ,the lady and gentleman before starting should stand exactly opposite each other1 quite upright1 and not1 as is so common in ,england1 painfully close to each other4 ,if the man's hand be placed where it should be1 at the centre of the lady's waist1 and not all round it1 he will have as firm a hold and not be obliged to stoop1 or bend to his right4 ,the lady's head should then be turned a little toward her left shoulder1 and her partner's somewhat less toward his left1 in order to preserve the balance4 ,nothing can be more atrocious than to see a lady lay her head on her partner's shoulder2 she should throw her head and shoulders a little back4 8,russian men undertake to perform in waltzing the same feat as the ,austrians in riding1 and will dance round the room with a glass of wine in the left hand without spilling a drop4 ,this evenness in waltzing is certainly very graceful1 but it can only be obtained by a sliding step that is little practised in ,england4 ,the pace1 again1 should not be so rapid as to endanger other couples4 ,the knees should be very little bent in dancing1 and the body still less so4 ,i do not know whether it is worse to see a man #8sit down' in a waltz1 or to find him with his head poked forward over your young wife's shoulder1 hot1 red1 wild1 and in far too close proximity to the partner of your bosom1 whom he makes literally the partner of his own4 8,the remarks as to the position in waltzing apply to all round dances4 ,the calm ease that marks the man of good taste makes even the swiftest dances graceful and agreeable4 ,vehemence may be excused at an election but not in a ball-room4 8,dancing1 if it is a mere trifle1 is one to which great minds have not been ashamed to stoop4 ,locke1 for instance1 speaks of it as manly1 ,plato recommended it1 and ,socrates learned the ,athenian polka of the day1 when he was quite an old man1 and liked it very much4 ,some one has even gone so far as to call it #8the logic of the body2' and ,addison defends himself for making it the subject of a disquisition40 8,nothing10 says ,mr4 ,cecil ,b4 ,hartley1 8will give ease of manner and a graceful carriage to a man more surely than the knowledge of dancing4 ,he will1 in its practice1 acquire easy motion1 a light step1 and learn to use both hands and feet well4 ,some people being bashful and afraid of attracting attention in a ball-room or evening party1 do not take lessons in dancing1 overlooking the fact that it is those who do not take part in the amusement on such occasions1 not those who do1 that attract attention4 ,to all such men ,i would say1 ,learn to dance6 ,you will find dancing one of the very best means for correcting bashfulness40 ,this is all very well and very sensible1 but the most weighty reason why a man should learn to dance lies in the fact that every man that goes into society should be qualified to take part in society amusements--in short1 to do what others do1 and to do it well4 ,here are some injunctions ,i find in 8,the ,glass of ,fashion30 8,bear yourself with moderation in the liveliest measure4 ,some couples go through a waltz as if they were dancing dervishes1 and indulge in an abandon that1 to say the least1 is indecorous4 8,lead your partner through a quadrille2 do not haul her4 ,a lady's waist should be sacred1 and there can be no excuse for clasping it as if you wanted to steady yourself by it4 8,dance quietly4 ,do not go through your steps as if you were a dancing-master2 nor move your limbs wildly1 as if you were executing an ,indian war-dance4 8,i am not sure that a man in a dress-coat and black trousers1 going through a quadrille or cotillon1 can be considered either a noble or a beautiful sight2 but ,i am sure that it is better he should dance as if he knew something about it1 than like a country clown who mistakes muscular activity for grace4 8,above all1 do not be prone to quarrel in a ball-room2 it disturbs the harmony of the company1 and should be avoided1 if possible4 ,recollect that a thousand little derelictions from strict propriety may occur through the ignorance or stupidity of the aggressor1 and not from any intention to annoy2 remember1 also1 that really well-bred women will not thank you for making them conspicuous by over-officiousness in their defence1 unless1 indeed1 there is a serious violation of decorum4 ,in small matters1 ladies are both able and willing to take care of themselves1 and would prefer being allowed to overwhelm the unlucky offender in their own way4 8,you go to a ball to dance1 and not to stand against the wall1 or by the door1 with the smirk of priggishness on your foolish face1 as if the whole thing were a baw1 and everybody in the room unworthy of your august notice4 ,if ,heaven only #8gave you to see yourself as others see you1' rest assured you would adopt no such idiotic conduct40 8,a man who can dance1 and will not dance10 says ,mrs4 ,ward1 8ought to stay away from a ball4 ,who has not encountered that especial type of ill-bred man who lounges around doorways or strolls through a suite of rooms1 looking as if there were not a creature present worth dancing with60 8,a gentleman of genuine politeness10 says ,mrs4 ,duffey1 8will not give all his time and attention to the belles of the evening1 but will at least devote a little thought to the wall-flowers who sit forlorn and unattended1 and who but for him might have no opportunity to dance40 ,the wall-flower is a plant found in every ball-room1 yet no young lady1 no matter how plain and uninteresting she may be1 need ever be one4 ,let her learn to dance well and she will always have partners4 ,at balls1 the right of introducing rests mainly with the ladies and gentlemen of the house1 but a chaperone may introduce a gentleman to her charge1 and if a man is intimate with a young lady he may ask her permission to introduce a friend4 ,an invitation to a private ball1 like other invitations1 should be answered immediately4 ,the ball demands the fullest of toilets3 dress suit1 white necktie1 stand-up collar1 and straw-colored gloves1 which look white at night4 ,the gloves should be worn the whole evening1 except at supper1 after which men that can afford it often put on a fresh pair4 ,if alone1 go from the dressing-room to the ball-room and pay your respects to the host and hostess4 ,if there are young ladies in the family1 take the earliest opportunity to speak to them and to ask one of them to dance the first set with you4 ,if she is engaged1 you may ask her to dance with you later in the evening1 and then you are at liberty to look for a partner among the guests4 ,in asking a lady to dance with you1 if you know her but slightly1 or if you have but just been introduced to her1 it is sufficient to say3 8,shall ,i1 or may ,i1 have the honor1 or the pleasure1 of dancing the next set with you80 or 8,will you honor me with your hand for the next set80 8,an applicant for this honor is always careful to recognize the office and authority of the chaperone when making his request4 ,this is considered no more respect than is due to the lady who has kindly undertaken the care of the young lady at a ball40 ,at the end of every dance1 says an authority1 a gentleman should offer his right arm to his partner1 and at least take her once around the room before consigning her to her chaperone4 ,another authority says that a gentleman should return the lady directly to her chaperone as soon as the dance is finished4 ,he may linger here to converse with her1 but not elsewhere4 ,at a ball a gentleman is introduced to a lady only that he may ask her to dance with him--the acquaintance1 therefore1 rarely goes any farther4 ,whether it shall or not is entirely optional with the lady4 ,should they meet afterward1 the gentleman will wait for a recognition before he speaks4 ,nor should a gentleman that is introduced to a young lady at a ball ask her for more than two dances the same evening4 ,indeed1 the showing of marked preferences in society is always in questionable taste4 ,it is certain that it is in the best circles that we see least of it4 ,a gentleman taking a lady in to supper should reconduct her to the ball-room2 the fact of friends joining her1 in the supper-room1 would not relieve him of the duty4 8,while the lady is supping you must stand by and talk to her10 says 8,the ,man in the ,club-,window10 8attending to every want1 and the most you can take yourself is a glass of champagne when you help her4 ,you then lead her up-stairs again1 and if you are not wanted there any more1 you may steal down and do a little quiet refreshment on your own account4 ,as long1 however1 as there are many ladies at the table1 you have no right to begin4 ,nothing marks a man here so much as gorging at supper4 ,balls are meant for dancing1 not for eating40 ,in an ,english work of high authority1 entitled 8,mixing in ,good ,society10 ,i find the following admonitions3 8,never enter a ball-room in other than full evening dress1 and white or light kid gloves4 8,a gentleman cannot be too careful not to injure a lady's dress4 ,this he is sure to do if he dances a round dance with her without gloves40 8,the young women of the country10 says ,col4 ,donan1 8send forth a huge1 universal wail of indignant protest against the ungloved men who persist in leaving their finger-marks on the backs of delicately tinted dresses at fashionable germans1 hops and balls4 ,from ,cape ,cod to ,corpus ,christi1 no dancing party ever takes place that is not followed by a day of lamentation and execration on the part of the unhappy girls who wake from dreams of waltz and galop and quadrille1 to find their dainty costumes ruined by the bare-paw prints of men for whose ruthless crime against decency there is no excuse4 ,the fashion of going without gloves originated in the vilest foreign flunkeyism4 ,the ,prince of ,wales forgot his gloves one evening when he went to the opera1 and consequently was compelled to appear with his hands uncovered4 ,the next evening every asinine toady and swell in the theatre showed his hands in native nakedness1 and the vulgar apery was promptly caught up on this side of the ocean4 ,let gentlemen remember that no ungloved man can pretend to be fully dressed4 8,it is an affront to a lady to hold her hand behind you1 or on your hip1 when dancing a round dance4 8,never forget a ball-room engagement4 ,it is the greatest neglect and slight that a gentleman can offer a lady4 8,if a lady happens to forget a previous engagement1 and stand up with another partner1 the gentleman whom she has thus slighted is bound to believe that she has acted from inadvertence1 and should by no means suffer his pride to master his good temper4 ,to cause a disagreeable scene in a private ball-room is to affront your host and hostess1 and to make yourself absurd4 ,in a public room it is not less reprehensible4 8,always remember that good breeding and good temper--or the appearance of good temper--are inseparably connected4 8,however much pleasure a man may take in a lady's society1 he must not ask her to dance too frequently4 ,engaged persons would do well to bear this in mind4 ,a ball is too formal a place for any one to indulge in personal preferences of any kind4 8,lastly1 a gentleman should not go to a ball unless he has previously made up his mind to be agreeable2 that is1 to dance with the plainest as well as with the most beautiful2 to take down an elderly chaperone to supper1 instead of her lovely charge1 with a good grace2 to enter into the spirit of the dance1 instead of hanging about the doorway2 to abstain from immoderate eating1 drinking1 or talking2 to submit to trifling annoyances with cheerfulness2 in fact1 to forget himself1 and contribute as much as possible to the amusement of others40 ,if a gentleman that is invited to a house on the occasion of an entertainment is not acquainted with all the members of the family1 his first duty1 after speaking to the host and hostess1 is to ask some common friend to introduce him to those members that he does not know4 8,though not customary for married persons to dance together in society1 those men who wish to show their wives the compliment of such an unusual attention1 if they possess any independence1 will not be deterred10 says ,mrs4 ,ward1 8from doing so by their fear of any comments from ,mrs4 ,grundy40 8,the sooner we recover from the effects of the ,puritanical idea that clergymen ought never to be seen at balls1 the better for all who attend them10 says ,mrs4 ,ward4 8,where it is wrong for a clergyman to go1 it is wrong for any member of his church to be seen40 ,the sons of a house where an entertainment is given must for that evening refrain from engaging in any flirtations1 or from showing in any way their preferences4 ,nothing is more at variance with good breeding than for them to do otherwise4 ,it is their imperative duty to see that no one is neglected4 ,a gentleman should not take a vacant seat next to a lady that is a stranger to him1 nor next to an acquaintance without first asking her permission4 ,always give your partner your undivided attention4 ,to let your eyes wander about the room1 or to betray an interest in others1 is the reverse of flattering to her4 ,when you conduct your partner back to her seat1 do not remain too long in conversation with her4 ,we go into society to take part in a general interchange of civilities1 and not to engage in prolonged tte--ttes4 ,there is a very old injunction that says that you should never wait till the music begins to engage your partner4 ,though a gentleman would naturally give special attention to a lady he escorted to a ball1 he should leave her every opportunity to accept the attentions of others4 ,any attempt to monopolize her society1 though she were his betrothed1 would be thoroughly plebeian4 ,he should call for her punctually1 taking a bouquet for her if he chooses1 or1 better1 if the spirit moves him1 sending one in the afternoon with his card4 ,arrived1 he leaves her at the door of the ladies' dressing-room1 and himself goes to the gentlemen's4 ,having arranged his dress and put on his white kid gloves1 he goes and waits at the ladies' room till his companion appears1 when he escorts her to the ball-room4 ,having exchanged salutations with the hostess1 he leads her to a seat4 ,he will dance the first set with her and also another set in the course of the evening4 ,on no account will he dance two sets with her in succession4 ,during the rest of the evening1 it is his duty to see that she is not neglected1 that she is provided with partners1 and with an escort to supper4 ,finally1 he will be ready to conduct her home when she expresses a wish to go1 and will personally inquire after her health the next day4 ,the author of 8,social ,etiquette of ,new ,york0 settles a question of some moment1 quite to her satisfaction1 and also1 ,i am willing to believe1 to the satisfaction of the ladies generally1 in this wise3 8,now1 just at this point arises a question that has long been in dispute1 and it may as well be settled at once3 #8,which side of the stairway1 the rail or the wall1 should be accorded to a lady8' 8,it has been discussed by gentlemen1 as if it were a matter for them to decide1 which it is not1 by any means4 ,such ladies as have been given their choice have invariably said3 #8,permit me to take your left arm with my right hand1 and it does not matter whether it is wall or rail that ,i am nearest in going up or down stairs4 ,i can better care for myself than you can care for me4' 8,sometimes the turning or curving of the staircase so narrows the steps on the rail side as to make them dangerous to heedless feet4 ,in such a case a lady must cling to the arm of her escort1 or else clasp the rail with her fresh and tightly-fitting gloves1 which last she is never willing to do if she can avoid it4 8,of course a gentleman cannot always wait to examine the architectural peculiarities of a staircase before he decides which arm will best satisfy the lady whom he desires to benefit4 ,he is safe in offering her his left4 ,if she declines assistance1 she will choose which part of the stairs she likes best to ascend1 and the gentleman will precede her by two or three steps4 ,on going down1 he is always slightly in advance of her4 ,this arrangement settles the question satisfactorily to the ladies1 and gentlemen have really no right to a choice in this matter40 8,oftener than otherwise10 says 8,social ,etiquette10 8the lady of to-day does not lean upon the arm of her escort1 but advances into the salon unassisted4 ,indeed1 the ancient custom is falling into disuse in our fashionable society4 8,the lady precedes the gentleman by a step or two1 when entering or passing out from an apartment1 provided she does not retain his arm4 ,in the highest circles of ,france1 the lady enters several steps in advance of the gentleman at a formal reception4 ,our custom of precedence is not quite so pronounced as that40 ,if you leave a ball1 or party of any kind1 before the music ceases1 do it as quietly as possible1 in order that your going may not be observed by others and so break up the party4 ,if you meet the hostess on your way out take leave of her in such a manner that other guests may not observe you4 ,as for looking for her it is quite unnecessary4 ,party calls1 as they are termed--i4e41 calls to recognize the obligation for having been honored with an invitation--are made on the hostess on her first regular reception day after the entertainment1 whether you were at it or not4 ,if she has no regular reception day1 then a call should be made1 or cards left1 within1 at the farthest1 ten days4 ,though a man may take no great pleasure in card-playing1 it is very desirable that he should be able to play those games that are most played in society--in this country1 whist and euchre for example4 ,a man should go into society as much to make himself useful as in search of amusement4 ,if a fourth hand is wanted at a rubber1 he should be able not only to take it1 but to acquit himself fairly well4 ,in general society1 the card-table is generally reserved for elderly people1 who always take precedence over the young4 ,husband and wife should not play in the same table1 except where the company is so small that it cannot be avoided4 ,the supposition is that they are so well acquainted with each other's mode of playing that they would have an unfair advantage4 ,then again1 married people go into society to exchange civilities with others and not with themselves4 ,never1 under any circumstances1 cheat or wilfully violate the rules of the game4 ,to do either is to be guilty of a species of buffoonery4 ,never lose your temper at the card-table4 ,you should not play unless you can bear ill-luck with composure1 and can pass over any blunders your partner may make with serenity4 ,unless you are playing with familiars1 do not urge any one to play faster4 ,the patient man is never uncivil4 ,some ungallant monster has said that women have only two passions1 love and avarice1 and that1 though the latter ill-becomes them1 yet it is so strong that they can rarely conceal it at the card-table4 ,for this reason1 he adds1 it is always painful to see them play when there is any stake4 ,as a rule in good society1 in this country1 no stake is played for1 and when there is--here as elsewhere--it is understood that though one does play with money one does not play for money4 ,when the cards are being dealt by another1 keep your hands out of the way1 and do not touch your cards until all have been dealt4 ,in playing1 throw your cards down quietly1 and not violently1 after the fashion of the card-players one sees in lager-beer saloons4 8,the new etiquette regarding costume at places of amusement began only lately to shape itself into formality in ,new ,york4 ,it is now considered quite proper for a gentleman to attend an opera in a matine suit1 provided seats have been taken elsewhere than in a box1 but he is limited in his visits between the acts to such of his acquaintances as are also in demi-toilet1 unless he goes to the foyer to chat with promenaders4 8,if a gentleman is in full dress1 he may visit everywhere in the house1 but he will not seat himself in the orchestra or in the dress circle1 because his toilet will appear out of harmony with the soberer garments about him40 ,thus wrote the author of 8,social ,etiquette of ,new ,york10 in #ahgh1 and yet the fact is that there are many men in ,new ,york that are in the habit of wearing full dress at all our better theatres on all 8first nights10 no matter where their seats may be1 and always when they go to the theatre accompanied by ladies4 ,thus we see that opinions in this matter differ materially4 ,to the writer it seems that a morning suit--black frock coat and dark trousers--is fully as appropriate as full dress on all occasions where the ladies are not expected to be in full dress1 which they are not in any of our parquets or dress circles4 ,there is something sorely incongruous in the picture presented by a lady in a sober1 high-necked gown and an extensive hat seated beside a man in a swallow-tailed coat1 a low-cut waistcoat and a white necktie4 ,and then does it not look very much as though he had no demi-toilet suit with which to make his appearance correspond with that of the lady8 8,social ,etiquette0 says further3 8,he may properly wear gloves when he is not in full dress1 as this slight formality of attire is in keeping with the style of his costume4 ,if he wears a dress coat and an evening necktie1 it is permissible for him to appear without gloves40 ,for several years gloves were little worn by men1 especially with full dress1 even at dancing-parties and balls1 but of late the wearing of gloves1 particularly at parties and balls1 is the rule rather than the exception4 ,an ungloved man certainly never looks dressed4 ,from present indications gloves will soon be as generally worn as they ever have been4 ,a gentleman inviting a lady to go with him to an entertainment1 theatrical1 musical1 or whatever it may be1 should take care to do so betimes1 and also in case full dress will be necessary to let her know it4 ,this is a consideration that often has great weight with a lady in deciding whether she shall accept or not4 ,unless a lady is in full dress1 or the weather is bad1 it is not generally deemed necessary1 in the cities at least1 to provide a carriage4 ,women of the best sort do not like to see men put themselves to any expense that is not really demanded when they offer them a civility1 no matter what their circumstances may be4 ,it is economy and not lavishness that commands respect1 among sensible people1 the world over4 ,the vulgar synonym for ostentation1 remember1 is splurge4 ,you should always try to be in your seat before an entertainment begins1 and if1 unavoidably1 you are late1 you should await a fitting time to go to it4 ,there are many thoughtless1 inconsiderate1 stupid people that if they chance to arrive during the progress of the best scene in a play1 or during the singing of the finest aria in an opera1 will immediately go to their seats1 though in doing so they disturb the whole house1 artists and all4 ,if you arrive late and there are any back seats unoccupied take them temporarily1 and if there are none unoccupied remain standing until you can go to your seats without disturbing any one4 ,you have no more right to disturb others at a place of amusement than you have to pick their pockets1 for when you disturb them you rob them of a part of that for which they have paid their money4 ,in finding the way to seats1 the gentleman should precede the lady1 if there is no usher2 if there is an usher1 the lady should precede the gentleman4 ,the lady always takes the inner seat4 ,if it is necessary to pass others to reach your seats1 turn the face and not the back to those you pass4 ,if your seats are easy of access and your companion has gentlemen acquaintances in the audience1 you need not fear that she will upbraid you for leaving her two or three times in the course of the evening1 during the pauses1 in order to give them an opportunity to visit her4 ,nothing delights the female heart more than to have a bevy of gentlemanly-looking men gather about her in public4 ,if she has no acquaintances to visit her1 she should not be left alone more than once during the evening1 and then not for more than a few minutes4 ,at a place of amusement you should never relinquish your seat in favor of a lady1 unless she is a friend of your companion1 or is aged or infirm1 and not then without first getting your companion's consent4 ,considerate persons never talk so loud at a place of amusement as to disturb others1 and none but snobs ever make remarks about a performance in a tone that can be heard by those in their neighborhood4 ,we sometimes encounter a kind of snobbishness in play-houses and concert-halls that is much given to talking to its companions and at those sitting near4 ,it often belongs to persons that have 8done0 many lands1 glancing at the outside of many houses and seeing the inside of a few4 ,if you would eat candy1 oranges1 apples1 or nuts or anything else at the theatre1 you would do well to go to the gallery4 ,there the eating of fruit and sweetmeats is much less likely to attract attention than in other parts of the house1 where you would generally find yourself surrounded by persons that are strongly opposed to munching at places of amusement4 ,there are many men in this country--but not in ,europe--that seem to think it beneath their dignity to applaud at a place of amusement4 ,it is never beneath any man's dignity to recognize the obligation when another exerts himself to please him4 ,applause is the only way the auditor has of testifying his appreciation of a performer's efforts and skill4 ,nor is this all4 ,there is a selfish reason why the auditor should applaud3 without this kind of encouragement no performer1 no matter how great his experience1 can do his best4 ,intelligent applause is no small part of the return an actor or singer gets for his exertions4 ,gratitude and recognition are two of the sweetest things in life1 and the lack of them makes more misanthropes than everything else put together4 ,finally1 if you remain to the end of a performance1 remain indeed to the end--remain in your seat and remain quiet until the last word has been spoken1 or the last note has been sung4 ,be not one of those unbred persons that when the end approaches begin to make ready to go1 or perhaps get up and push past others1 disturbing everybody in the house1 players as well as auditors1 in their selfish haste to reach the door4 ,i repeat3 ,you have no more right to disturb others at a place of amusement than you have to pick their pockets1 for when you disturb others you rob them of a part of that for which they have paid their money4 ,if you pass through a door that is closed1 leave it closed4 ,if you pass through a door that has a spring on it1 see that it does not slam4 ,if your feet are muddy1 find some means of cleaning them before you pass through anybody's door4 ,if you pretend to wash your hands1 wash them2 do not simply wet them1 and then wipe the dirt off on the towel4 ,if you visit beer-saloons or oyster-saloons1 do not copy the phraseology of the waiters2 the men that do it are never men of refined instincts4 ,never cry out 8eins10 after the fashion of the waiters in beer-saloons1 nor 8one10 or 8a stew10 or 8a fry10 as the waiters do in oyster-saloons4 ,if you would be worthy to live among well-bred1 right-thinking people you will always consider the interest1 respect the rights1 and study the comfort of others4 ,for example1 if you visit a reading-room where the aim is so to keep the newspapers that any particular one can be easily found1 you will always be careful to put those you read back in their proper places2 you will never scratch a match on anybody's wall or woodwork2 you will never spit on anybody's floor1 whether carpeted or not2 you will never walk over the upholstered seats of a place of amusement1 and so on4 ,the doing or the leaving undone of little things is a sure index of a man's breeding or of his lack of it4 ,if you would preserve your health1 never drink anything but water between meals4 ,if you would preserve your good name1 keep away from bar-rooms4 ,if you would preserve your self-respect1 keep away from bar-rooms4 ,if you would preserve your good manners1 keep away from bar-rooms4 ,if you would preserve your good looks1 keep away from bar-rooms4 ,if you would keep out of the clutches of the devil1 keep away from bar-rooms4 ,,conversation4 ,the first rule of speaking well is to think well4--,,mme4 ,,de ,,lambert4 ,attention is a tacit and continual compliment4--,,mme4 ,,swetchine4 ,gravity is a stratagem invented to conceal the poverty of the mind4--,,la ,,rochefoucauld4 ,to discuss an opinion with a fool is like carrying a lantern before a blind man4--,,de ,,gaston4 ,to use many circumstances ere you come to matter is wearisome2 and to use none at all is blunt4--,,bacon4 ,that is the happiest conversation where there is no competition1 no vanity1 but only a calm1 quiet interchange of sentiment4--,,johnson4 ,if you your lips ,would keep from slips1 ,five things observe with care3 ,of whom you speak1 ,to whom you speak1 ,and how1 and when1 and where4 ,if you your ears ,would save from jeers1 ,these things keep meekly hid3 ,myself and ,i1 ,and mine and my1 ,and how ,i do or did4 ,though there are not many persons that seem to think so1 still it is true that the value of no other accomplishment can be compared with that of a thorough knowledge of one's mother tongue1 be that tongue what it may4 ,the most of us do more or less talking in the course of every one of our waking hours1 and we impress those that hear us1 favorably or unfavorably--as far as our culture is concerned--according to the manner in which we express ourselves4 ,the tones of the voice1 the construction of our sentences1 the choice of our words1 and the manner in which we pronounce and articulate them--all have their influence in impressing1 either favorably or unfavorably1 even the most unlettered4 ,how desirable then it is that we should cultivate the graces of speech1 which are first among the rudiments of the ,art of ,conversation6 8,there is a part of our education10 says a clever ,english writer1 8so important and so neglected in our schools and colleges1 that it cannot be too highly impressed on the young man that proposes to enter society4 ,i mean the part that we learn first of all things1 yet often have not learned well when death eases us of the necessity--the art of speaking our own language4 ,in every-day life the value of ,greek and ,latin1 ,french and ,german is small1 when compared with that of ,english4 ,we are often encouraged to raise a laugh at ,doctor ,syntax and the tyranny of grammar1 but we may be certain that many misunderstandings arise from a want of grammatical precision4 8,there is no society without interchange of thought1 and since the best society is that in which the best thoughts are interchanged in the best and most comprehensible manner1 it follows that ,a ,,proper ,,mode ,,of ,,expressing ,,ourselves ,,is ,,indispensable ,,in ,,good ,,society40 8,the commonest thought well put10 says another ,english writer1 8is more useful1 in a social point of view1 than the most brilliant idea jumbled out4 ,what is well expressed is easily seized1 and therefore readily responded to2 the most poetic fancy may be lost to the hearer if the language that conveys it is obscure4 ,speech is the gift that distinguishes man from the lower animals and makes society possible4 ,he has but a poor appreciation of his privilege as a human being who neglects to cultivate #8,god's great gift of speech4'0 8,the manner in which things are said10 says a ,french philosopher1 8is almost as important as the things themselves4 ,for one man that judges you by your thought there are twenty that judge you by the manner in which your thought is presented4 ,not only should your words be well chosen1 but your bearing should be self-possessed and the tones of your voice agreeable40 ,m4 ,l4 ,h41 in ,lippincott's ,magazine for ,february1 #ahhc1 writes very instructively on the art of conversation as follows3 8,how seldom it is that one enjoys the pleasure of a real conversation1 taking the word to mean something more than the casual chat of calling acquaintances1 and something different from the confidential intercourse of familiar friends6 8,there is no pastime more delightful in its way than the leisurely talk of a company of congenial persons met for the simple enjoyment of one another's society1 the agreeable interchange of ideas and sentiments1 and it would seem that this pleasure should be an easily attainable one4 ,as a matter of fact1 however1 the entertainment is not so cheap and easy to be had as might be supposed4 8,it is a privilege restricted mostly to the dwellers in our larger cities1 where1 although social life may have a tendency to form itself into separate circles1 yet each of these has a circumference great enough to include a sufficient number of persons disposed to draw together by natural affinities4 ,in our smaller provincial cities and towns there is1 generally speaking1 nothing that can be called society1 and conversation is not a lost art1 but an art unknown4 ,in such places as these the hostess who should offer her guests no other entertainment than the conversation of their equals would1 ,i fear1 be thought to provide for them but badly4 ,if this be true1 it certainly is a reflection upon those who compose this provincial society so called3 it seems to argue a lack of brains1 culture1 and social tact1 when the result of their gathering together is only a common boredom4 8,yet1 on second thoughts1 this inability to make conversation a mutually agreeable thing has its partial explanation in the circumstances of the case4 ,each unit of the small provincial whole lives in a narrow round of his own2 his occupations and interests are necessarily much the same as those of his neighbor1 and it is not possible for either of them to bring anything very novel or amusing by way of contribution to the social repast4 ,the daily life of the resident of a large city is1 by comparison1 infinitely varied and full of incident2 he dines to-day with ,b4 and meets ,c4 and ,d41 but to-day is not the simple repetition of yesterday1 for then it was ,a4 that entertained him1 and the guests were ,e4 and ,f4 8,doubtless there is an ideal of conversation that is not commonly realized4 ,it implies the gathering together of a certain--not too large--number of men and women1 each of whom is both able and willing to play his individual part4 ,it does not need the possession of brilliant gifts in every member1 nor even in any one member of the company2 it needs only a fair amount of intelligence and culture1 and of that ready perception of the drift and meaning of the words of others1 which may be called a sort of intellectual tact4 #8,the whole force of conversation1' it has been said1 #8depends upon how much you can take for granted4 ,vulgar chess-players have to play the game out4' 8,more than anything else1 conversation implies individual self-abnegation1 the putting out of sight of large egotisms and small vanities1 and contentment with one's due share of attention only4 ,there need not be agreement of opinion1 but there must be mutual tolerance4 8,it also implies individual responsibility and the obligation of every one to give of his best4 ,intellectual sloth has no place at the feast of reason4 8,one need not shine in the talk1 but one must at least be able to listen intelligently4 8,how much of the charm of words lies in the manner in which they are spoken6 ,our thoughts and sentiments have not one mode of expression1 but a hundred2 the tone of the voice interprets the meaning of the word1 the glance and the smile soften or intensify it4 8,conversation is seldom so agreeable as around a dinner-table of the right size1 where the talk is general and lively without confusion4 ,at a large gathering1 where the company inevitably breaks up into groups1 conversation may flourish more or less brightly1 but never quite so well as where the guests are few and congenial and form but a single circle4 8,i often wonder why it is that there is such difficulty in getting people to unite in making the talk general4 ,some perverse instinct seems to drive them to split apart2 the force of repulsion is stronger than that of attraction2 six or eight persons are engaged in four duets1 and1 if the talk begins to flag between numbers one and two1 nothing better occurs to them than to exchange partners with three and four and raise a distracting cross-fire4 ,if ,i want to see a friend alone1 it is usually easy to accomplish it2 but if ,i try to hold a pleasant conversation with three or four other friends at the same time1 they too often appear to conspire together to defeat my wish40 ,if one would have an agreeable manner in conversation1 there are certain things that must be attended to3 #a4 ,one must cultivate repose4 ,the man that fidgets1 tugs at his beard1 runs his fingers through his hair1 rubs his hands1 cracks his finger-joints1 grates his teeth1 or indulges in much gesticulation1 while very likely he sits cross-legged and swings one foot1 is never an agreeable person to talk with4 ,this restlessness is always an evidence of weakness4 ,that kind of strength that brings with it a feeling that one is equal to the situation is always accompanied with that quiet self-possession that we call repose4 #b4 ,one must avoid interrupting4 ,always let your interlocutor finish what he has to say4 ,note the points that you would reply to1 and wait patiently till it is your turn to speak4 ,the world is full of ill-bred persons that have the habit of breaking in on the speaker as soon as he says anything they would reply to1 or that suggests a thought4 ,wait1 ,i repeat1 and wait patiently and respectfully1 as the ,american ,indian always does1 till your interlocutor has finished4 ,men that continually interrupt are always men whose early training was very faulty4 ,with such men conversation is impossible4 #c4 ,one must learn to listen4 ,it is not sufficient to keep silent4 ,you should be attentive1 seem to be interested and not wear the expression of a martyr4 ,there are those whose mien when they listen seems to say3 8,will he ever get through and let me give breath to the words of wisdom60 or1 8,poor me1 how long will this torture last60 or1 8,when you get through1 ,i'll show you in a word or two what nonsense you talk60 ,such listeners are generally persons that think their utterances much more heavily freighted with wisdom than other people think them4 #d4 ,one must learn not to speak too long at a time4 ,the social monologist is one of the most disagreeable characters one ever meets with4 ,there are two species of them4 ,to the one belong those egotistic1 patronizing creatures that seem to take pity on you and do all the talking in order to put you at ease in their august presence4 ,to the other belong those men that talk much and say little2 that go over a deal of surface and never get below it2 that go round and round1 and up and down in search of some way to get at the pith of the matter1 until they finally give up the chase in despair4 ,of the two species1 the first is the least tiresome--and the least numerous--as there is always something ludicrous1 and consequently amusing1 in their coxcombry4 #e4 ,one must learn--if one can--to stick to the subject under consideration4 ,pausing to remark upon the irrelevant that may be suggested in the course of a conversation is a characteristic of the female mind4 ,many men1 however1 are as great sinners in this direction as are women generally4 ,this is a fault peculiar to persons of hazy mental vision1 and is very trying to those of clearer perceptions4 #f4 ,one must learn not to laugh at one's own wit1 nor to chuckle at one's own remarks4 ,there are men that cannot take part in a conversation without falling into a broad grin1 which frequently develops into a chuckle that renders their articulation indistinct4 ,this is a habit that is among the easiest to correct4 #g4 ,one must learn to control one's temper4 ,there are those that habitually--and involuntarily1 perhaps--take refuge in indignation the moment they are opposed1 and especially if they are opposed with reasons that are too weighty for their logic4 ,then there are others that have so exalted an opinion of their own opinions that they think it presumption on the part of another to question their correctness and resent any opposition as an indignity4 ,it is not the wise that are least respectful to those that venture to differ from them4 #h4 ,one must be careful to avoid a certain labial gesticulation1 and a certain 8,jakey0 toss of the head that some unbred people indulge in1 when they talk4 ,of all the vulgar habits that vulgar people indulge in in conversation1 this is one of the most vulgar4 #i4 ,never1 anywhere or under any circumstances1 talk with a toothpick1 a cigar1 or a cigarette in your mouth4 ,anything more disrespectful or more thoroughly low we rarely have to complain of4 ,and yet we sometimes see men standing in the street talking to women--not ladies1 for a lady does not allow herself to be treated with such disrespect--with cigars in their mouths4 ,the author of 8,mixing in ,good ,society0 says3 8,we must not bring our gloomy moods or irritable temper with us into society4 ,to look pleasant is a duty we owe to others4 ,one is bound to listen with the appearance of interest even to the most inveterate proser who fastens upon us in society2 to smile at a twice-told tale2 and1 in short1 to make such minor sacrifices of sincerity as good manners and good feeling demand4 8,in conversation the face should wear something that is akin to a smile2 a smile1 as it were1 below the surface4 8,we should always look at the person who addresses us1 and listen deferentially to whatever he says4 ,when we make answer1 we should endeavor to express our best thoughts in our best manner4 ,a loose manner of expression injures ourselves more than our interlocutor2 since1 if we talk carelessly to those whom we will not take the trouble to please1 we shall feel at a loss for apt words and correct elocution when we need them4 8,always think before you speak2 as thus only can you acquire the habit of speaking to the purpose40 ,good talkers are generally deliberate talkers4 8,polite vulgarisms must be scrupulously guarded against4 ,a well-educated person proclaims himself by the simplicity and terseness of his language4 ,it is only the half-educated who indulge in fine language1 and think that long words and high-sounding phrases are distingu4 8,everything approaching to extravagance in conversation is objectionable4 ,we should endeavor to ascertain the precise meaning of the words we employ1 and employ them at the right time only4 ,such phrases as #8awfully hot1' #8immensely jolly1' #8abominably dull1' #8disgustingly mean1' etc4 etc41 are used in the most reckless manner4 ,this hyperbolical way of speaking is mere flippancy1 without wit or novelty to recommend it40 ,the late ,dr4 ,george ,ripley was wont to say that the secret of being agreeable in conversation was to be hospitable to the ideas of others4 ,he affirmed that some people only half listened to you1 because they were considering1 even while you spoke1 with what fine words1 what wealth of wit1 they should reply1 and they began to speak almost before your sentence had died from your lips4 ,those people1 he said1 might be brilliant1 witty1 dazzling1 but never could they be agreeable4 ,you do not love to talk to them4 ,you feel that they are impatient for their turn to come1 and that they have no hospitality toward your thoughts--none of that gentle friendliness that asks your idea in and makes much of it4 8,dean ,swift10 says an ,english writer1 8with his keen eye for the foibles of his fellows1 has put on record some faults in conversation that every one that wishes to be an agreeable talker should make it his business to avoid4 8,he justly condemns the habit of talking too much4 ,no man in a company has a right to predominate in length and frequency of speech1 any more than a player in an orchestra has a right to convert the performance into a solo4 ,even if a man can talk as well as a ,macaulay1 he has no right to prevent others from talking4 ,they have come not to hear a lecture1 but to converse2 to talk as well as to listen2 to contribute as well as to receive4 ,even the listeners and admirers that gathered around ,macaulay sometimes longed for a #8flash of silence4' ,oh1 the misery of it1 when some inordinate gossip gets you by the buttonhole and drums away at your aching tympanum with an incessant crash of prattle6 8,still more wearisome is the talk of those who will talk only of themselves2 whose everlasting #8,i' recurs in their speech as certainly as the head of ,charles the ,first turned up in the speech of ,mr4 ,dick4 ,they deluge their hearers with the milk-and-water history of their sayings and doings from childhood upward2 and relate the annals of their diseases with all the symptoms and attendant circumstances4 ,to a talker of this sort to have the measles is a delight--the small-pox a boon4 ,a gentleman will never admit that his constitution is anything but sound--in conversation4 ,of all bores the greatest is he that carries his pills1 powders1 and plasters into the society of his friends2 that bids the world listen when he sneezes1 and thinks his rheumatism a matter of national concern4 8,others1 as the ,dean remarks1 are more dexterous1 and with great art will lie on the watch to hook in their own praise3 #8,they will call a witness to remember they always foretold what would happen in such a case1 but none would believe them2 they advised such a man from the beginning1 and told him the consequences just as they happened1 but he would have his own way4 ,others make a vanity of telling their own faults2 they are the strangest men in the world2 they cannot dissemble2 they own it is a folly2 they have lost abundance of advantages by it2 but if you should give them the world they could not help it2 there is something in their nature that abhors insincerity and constraint--with many other insufferable topics of the same altitude4' 8,the most successful talker is the man that has most to say that is sensible and entertaining on the greatest number of subjects4 ,a specialist can never make a good conversationist2 his mind runs always in one groove4 8,swift comments upon two faults in conversation that appear very different1 yet spring from the same root and are equally blamable2 the first1 an impatience to interrupt others2 the second1 a great uneasiness when we are ourselves interrupted4 ,the chief objects of all conversation1 whether conversation proper or small talk1 are to entertain and improve our companions1 and in our own persons to be improved and entertained4 ,if we steadily aim at these objects1 we shall certainly escape the two faults indicated by the dean4 ,if any man speak in company1 we may suppose he does it for his hearers' sake1 and not for his own2 so that common discretion will teach him not to force their attention if they are unwilling to lend it1 nor1 on the other hand1 to interrupt him who is in possession1 because that is the grossest manner to indicate his conviction of his own superiority4 8,there are some people10 says ,swift1 8whose good manners will not suffer them to interrupt you2 but1 what is almost as bad1 they will discover abundance of impatience1 and be upon the watch until you have done1 because they have started something in their own thoughts that they long to be delivered of4 ,meantime1 they are so far from regarding what passes that their imaginations are wholly turned upon what they have in reserve1 for fear it should slip out of their memory2 and thus they confine their invention1 which might otherwise range over a hundred things fully as good and that might be much more naturally introduced4 8,i think that wit must be introduced into conversation with great reserve4 ,such a caution seems1 however1 little called for1 considering the limited number of persons to whom it applies2 but there is a cheap form of wit that most ill-natured persons can plagiarize1 and in a mixed company its effects are not seldom disagreeable2 that is1 the repartee1 or smart answer1 which assuredly does not turn away wrath2 the epigrammatic impertinence that young speakers suppose to be wit4 #8,it now passes for raillery1' says ,swift1 #8to run a man down in discourse1 to put him out of countenance and make him ridiculous2 sometimes to expose the defects of his person or understanding2 on all which occasions he is obliged not to be angry1 to avoid the imputation of not being able to take a jest4 ,it is admirable to observe one who is dexterous at this art singling out a weak adversary1 getting the laugh on his side1 and then carrying all before him4 ,the ,french1 whence we borrow the word #8raillery1' have a quite different idea of the thing1 and so had we in the politer ages of our fathers4 ,raillery was to say something that at first appeared a reproach or reflection1 but by some turn of wit1 unexpected and surprising1 ended always in a compliment1 and to the advantage of the person it was addressed to4 ,and1 surely1 one of the best rules in conversation is1 never to say a thing that any of the company can reasonably wish we had left unsaid2 nor can there well be anything more contrary to the ends for which people meet together than to part dissatisfied with one another or with themselves4 8,this fatal kind of smartness1 which all may master who have no regard for the feelings of others1 is very much more common now1 ,i imagine1 than in ,swift's time1 when people could hardly be persuaded that wit and rudeness were synonymous4 ,it has found its way into the ,house of ,commons1 where it is assiduously practised by men that have little hope by more worthy means of achieving a reputation2 and on the stage1 where1 in #8drawing-rooms richly upholstered1' the characters pass their time in saying impertinent things to one another4 ,that such flippancy should pass muster as wit cannot1 however1 be wondered at in a generation that mistakes sensuousness for poetry1 stheticism for art1 and charlatanism for statesmanship6 8,i have already made a distinction between conversation and small talk2 but after all1 the cautions that apply to the one have a distinct reference to the other4 ,i presume that a good conversationist is also a good small-talker2 though1 of course1 the reverse does not follow2 a man may shine in small talk1 and prove very dull in conversation4 ,it is not my object or desire to depreciate small talk1 which1 in the present condition of society1 is a substitute for conversation1 and in any condition would be a necessary complement of it4 ,we cannot always be passing our five-pound notes2 we must sometimes descend to inferior currency1 and not only sovereigns1 but crowns and two-shilling pieces have their value4 ,besides1 we cannot afford to carry on an exchange by which we always lose4 ,we cannot give our five-pound notes when others stake but shillings and sixpences4 ,barter is fair and profitable only when we get as much as we give4 ,our pockets may be full of sovereigns1 and yet we shall hesitate to give one for a penny roll2 but to a man that has nothing but counters in his pocket1 it does not matter whether the roll cost a penny or a shilling4 ,the moral of this is1 that we must put pence into our purse as well as pounds4 ,for want of such a precaution1 the meditative scholar is often1 in society1 at a loss to find topics of conversation2 he has nothing small enough to give1 and his companions have nothing with which to conduct an exchange4 ,it is wisdom1 therefore1 to pay close attention to this matter of small talk1 and endeavor to arrive at a certain command of and proficiency in it4 ,men of the highest gifts cannot dispense with it if they wish to be at no disadvantage in their ordinary intercourse with mankind4 8,there are many spheres in which1 ,i grant1 the small-talker would be out of place4 ,he would make a sorry figure in an assembly of scholars and thinkers1 engaged in the discussion of subjects as momentous and as profound as those with which ,goethe overwhelmed the hapless ,excelmann4 ,his true arena is the dinner-table4 ,it is there he can make the best use of the old1 familiar weapons4 ,he does not shun the traditional allusions to the weather or the crops2 and1 indeed1 it is clear that he must begin on some topic that he and his companions have in common4 ,that once found1 others will naturally spring out of it2 but in passing to and from them1 much dexterity is required4 ,if the small-talker shows any doubt of his own powers1 or puts himself forward too obtrusively1 he will come to grief1 as we all instinctively rebel against an attempt to drag us into conversation4 ,the string that leads us must be invisible4 ,the exchange of small talk is like a game of battledoor in which an accomplished player will sometimes designedly drop his shuttlecock1 partly to flatter and propitiate his partner1 and partly for the sake of a prospective advantage4 ,when once he has full command of the game1 he will quietly take the lead1 and guide it surely but gently into the direction best adapted for the display of his powers4 ,the attractiveness of skilfully managed talk of this kind is felt by everybody2 and we remember with pleasure the evening when1 unwittingly1 we were taken captive by some man or woman whose intellectual superiority1 perhaps1 we should not be willing to admit1 but who1 we readily own1 enabled us to pass some very pleasant hours4 8,but this small talk that so agreeably flavors conversation is different indeed from that very small talk in which society nowadays indulges so unblushingly1 go where you will--not necessarily1 as ,mr4 ,hale remarks1 into the society of the suburban #8,row' or #8,terrace' of semi-detached villas1 nor into that of the small provincial town1 or the colonial garrison2 but into that found in the homes and among the families of ,english gentlemen4 ,mr4 ,hale does not1 ,i think1 exaggerate when he says it is painful to listen to the general conversation2 the name of a common friend is mentioned1 and something that he or she has said or done is commented upon with a freedom that1 to be in any way justifiable1 presupposes a thorough knowledge of all sides of the case2 and the minor worries of life1 servants1 babies1 and the like1 furnish the theme for a multifarious and protracted discussion4 ,if there is talk that should disgust all refined tastes and ordinarily intelligent minds1 it is the farrago of trivialities that makes the daily staple of conversation in some of our ,english homes4 ,as a proof that ,i do not exaggerate1 let any one refrain for four-and-twenty hours from dealing with such #8small beer1' and observe how great a difficulty he will experience in discovering subjects for conversation4 ,this shows how injurious the habit is4 ,we feed so long on infant's food that we can digest nothing more substantial4 ,our small talk resembles a hand-organ1 which is set to a certain number of airs1 and grinds through these with monotonous regularity4 8,i have dwelt at some length on this subject1 because it seems to me of great importance4 ,the whole tone of society would be raised if we could raise its conversational standard2 if we could lift it from very small talk to small talk and thence to conversation4 ,women especially may help toward a satisfactory result1 for at present women are the great manufacturers of very small talk4 ,let them rise to the measure of their duties2 men will soon follow their example1 and we shall live to see the end of the very small-talk era4 8,in certain #8,hints upon ,etiquette1' by 1 published nearly half a century ago1 but characterized by a good sense that must always render them valuable1 ,i find a wise caution in reference to #8talking shop1' which ,i may add to my own emphatic warning against this particularly disagreeable custom4 #8,there are few things1' he says1 #8that display worse taste than the introduction of professional topics in general conversation1 especially if there be ladies present2 the minds of those men must be miserably ill-stored who cannot find other subjects for conversation than their own professions4 ,who has not felt this on having been compelled to listen to 8clerical slang10 musty college jokes1 and anecdotes divested of all interest beyond the atmosphere of a university2 or 8law-jokes10 with 8good stories0 of 8learned counsel20 8long yarns10 or the equally tiresome muster-roll of 8our regiment0--colonels dead1 maimed majors retired on pensions1 subs lost or 8exchanged10 gravitating between ,boulogne and the 8,bankruptcy ,court08 8#8,all such exclusive topics are signs either of a limited intellect or the most lamentable ignorance4' ,they are signs1 too1 of exceedingly bad breeding2 for the introduction of a topic on which no one can discourse but the speaker necessarily chokes out the life of a conversation1 and for the lively talk of the many substitutes a dreary monologue4 ,they imply an almost supernatural egotism1 as if the speaker believed that all the world must perforce be interested in whatever concerns him4 ,needless to say that these remarks do not apply to the case of an acknowledged #8expert' whose opinion has been invited on the questions that of right fall within his special province4 ,now1 as a rule1 society cares nothing for the individual2 and there can be no greater error than for a man to put forward in conversation his individual tastes1 opinions1 views1 unless he has attained to a position that entitles him to speak as one having authority4 ,and even then what he says should be general in tone and application1 with as little allusion as possible to himself4 ,nor should he suffer his remarks to assume the form and proportions of an oration1 lest his hearers1 in spite of themselves1 betray their weariness4 ,a ,st4 ,paul may preach1 and yet ,eutychus fall asleep6 ,in spite of his reputation as the ,aristarchus of his day1 ,samuel ,johnson could irritate his hearers into administering a rebuke to his verbosity4 8,the colloquial inferiority of the present generation is attributed by ,mr4 ,hannay purely to the action of the press4 ,newspapers1 novels1 magazines1 reviews1 he says1 gather up the intellectual elements of our life like so many electric machines1 drawing electricity from the atmosphere into themselves4 ,everything1 he adds1 is recorded and discussed in print1 and subjects have lost their freshness long before friends have assembled for the evening4 ,and he concludes3 #8,where there is talk of a superior character1 it appears to affect the epigrammatic form2 and this is an unhealthy sign4 ,if there were no other objection1 how rarely can it avoid that appearance of self-consciousness and effort that is fatal to all elegance and ease4' 8,topics of conversation are not far to seek in these active days of ours1 when the thoughts of men are widened by the process of the suns4 ,the current history of the time--the last drama or opera or newest book1 the scene of war--and there is always war somewhere--the last device of some scrupulously great or greatly unscrupulous statesman1 the latest exploit of swimmer or mountain-climber1 the last invention--these1 and similar themes1 will call forth and maintain an agreeable discussion4 8,you must learn to express yourself with conciseness and accuracy1 and1 if possible1 with a happy turn of expression that1 though it will not be wit1 will sound witty4 ,your talk should not be in epigrams1 yet should it be epigrammatic4 ,around the dinner-table1 elaborate criticism or argument1 pathos or profundity would be out of place4 ,you are not to soliloquize like ,hamlet1 but to bandy light speeches and sharp sayings like ,mercutio4 ,of course you will avoid bitterness2 there must be no vinegar1 but a touch of lemon-juice will flavor the mixture4 8,the epigrammatic is a valuable element1 but should never predominate1 since good conversation flows from a happy union of all the powers4 ,to approximate to this1 a certain amount of painstaking is necessary2 and1 though artifice is detestable1 we must submit1 that talk may be as legitimately made a subject of care and thought as any other part of a man's humanity1 and that it is ridiculous to send your mind abroad in a state of slovenliness while you bestow on your body the most refined care4 8,i would establish but one great rule in conversation10 said ,richard ,steele1 8which is this1 that men should not talk to please themselves1 but to please those that hear them4 ,this would make them consider whether what they speak be worth hearing2 whether there be either wit or sense in what they are about to say1 and whether it be adapted to the time when1 the place where1 and the person to whom it is spoken4 8,conversation is a reflex of character4 ,the envious1 the pretentious1 the impatient1 the illiterate1 will as surely betray their idiosyncrasies in conversation as the modest1 the even-tempered1 and the generous4 ,strive as we may1 we cannot always be acting4 8,let us1 therefore1 cultivate a tone of mind and a habit of life1 the betrayal of which need not put us to shame in any company2 the rest will be easy4 8,if we make ourselves worthy of refined and intelligent society1 we shall not be rejected from it2 and in such society we shall acquire by example all that we have failed to learn by precept4 8,there is a certain distinct but subdued tone of voice that is peculiar to persons of the best breeding4 ,it is better to err by the use of too low than of too loud a tone4 8,a half opened mouth1 a smile ready to overflow at any moment into a laugh1 a vacant stare1 a wandering eye1 are all evidences of ill-breeding4 8,next to unexceptional diction1 correct pronunciation1 distinct enunciation1 and a frank1 self-controlled bearing1 it is necessary to be genial4 ,do not go into society unless you can make up your mind to be cheerful1 sympathetic1 animating as well as animated40 ,of the late ,george ,eliot1 who was one of the most agreeable talkers of her time1 some one has said3 8,she had one rare characteristic that gave a peculiar charm to her conversation4 ,she had no petty egotism1 no spirit of contradiction2 she never talked for effect4 ,a happy thought1 well expressed1 filled her with delight2 in a moment she would seize the thought and improve upon it1 so that common people felt themselves wise in her presence1 and perhaps years after she would remind them1 to their pride and surprise1 of the good things they had said40 ,avoid slang as you would the plague4 ,it is a great mistake to suppose that slang is in any way a substitute for wit4 ,it is always low1 generally coarse1 and not unfrequently foolish4 ,with the exception of cant1 there is nothing that is more to be shunned4 ,we sometimes meet with persons of considerable culture that interlard their talk with slang expressions1 but it is safe to assert that they are always persons of coarse natures4 8,eschew everything that savors of the irreverent1 and1 as you love me1 let not your tongue give way to slang6 ,the slang of the sthetic disciple of sweetness and light--the slang of the new school of erotic poets--the slang of the art-critic--the slang of the studios--the slang of the green room--the slang of ,mayfair--and the slang of the ,haymarket2 shun each and all as you would flee from the shield of ,medusa6 ,plain ,english and pure1 from the well undefiled of the best writers and speakers--let that be the vehicle in which your opinions are conveyed1 and the plainer and purer the better40 ,profanity is absolutely incompatible with genuine refinement2 it is always ungentlemanly1 and1 therefore1 to be avoided4 ,if those men that habitually interlard their talk with oaths could be made to see how offensive to decency their profanity is1 they would1 perhaps1 be less profane4 ,really well-bred men are very careful to avoid the use of improper language of every description4 8,immodest words admit of no defence1 ,for want of decency is want of sense40 8,it is not easy to perceive10 says ,lamont1 8what honor or credit is connected with swearing4 ,it is a low and paltry habit1 picked up by low and paltry spirits who have no sense of honor1 no regard for decency1 but are forced to substitute some rhapsody of nonsense to supply the vacancy of good sense4 ,the vulgarity of the practice can be equalled only by the vulgarity of those who indulge in it40 ,the extent to which some men habitually interlard their talk with oaths is disgusting even to many that1 on occasion1 do not themselves hesitate to give expression to their feelings in oaths portly and unctuous4 ,among the things that are studiously avoided in conversation by persons of taste is the use of old1 threadbare quotations4 ,he that can't do better than to repeat such old1 threadbare lines as 8,variety is the spice of life10 8,distance lends enchantment to the view10 8,a thing of beauty is a joy forever10 8,a rose by any other name would smell as sweet10 and the like1 would appear to better advantage by remaining silent4 8,sir0 and 8madam10 or 8ma'am10 are far too much used by some persons in this country1 especially in the ,south4 ,in ,england neither 8sir0 nor 8madam0 is considered proper1 under ordinary circumstances1 except on the lips of inferiors4 ,a man having occasion to address a lady that is a stranger to him should always address her as 8madam10 never as 8miss10 if she has reached the age of womanhood1 in which case courtesy supposes that she has entered that state that all women should enter as soon as they are fitted for it4 ,one of the things that we should be most careful to guard against in conversation1 if we would appear to advantage in the eyes of persons of the better sort1 is undue familiarity4 ,the man of native refinement1 as well as the man of culture1 is always careful to observe--in a greater or less degree1 according to circumstances--the conventionalities that obtain in refined social intercourse4 ,perhaps the most repulsive character to be met with is the youth that seems to think it makes him appear vastly more manly to ,jack1 ,jim1 or ,joe his acquaintances1 in addressing them1 and to speak of persons that he may1 or may not1 know in a familiar1 disrespectful manner4 ,to him ,mr4 ,sheridan ,short1 if he has occasion to speak of him1 is simply 8,shed20 ,mr4 ,lester ,bullock is simply 8,lester20 ,mr4 ,john ,guthbert is simply 8old ,john10 and so on4 ,if this vulgar specimen of 8,young ,america0 has a father1 he speaks of him as his 8old man10 and middle-aged and elderly men1 if they have grown-up sons1 he designates as 8old man ,burt10 8old man ,harrison10 etc4 ,this kind of youth is always one of those loud-mouthed1 guffaw fellows that think themselves1 as the ,kentuckian would say1 8simply mountaneous40 ,story-telling in society is something that even those that tell stories well should indulge in but sparingly4 ,all stories1 unless well told1 are tiresome2 and then there is always the danger that to some of those that are compelled to listen they will be a 8twice-told tale40 ,a serious fault of many story-tellers is that they themselves cannot refrain from laughing at the humor of their own anecdotes4 ,all stories should be told clearly and tersely1 and be so managed as to have a marked climax2 and if the teller must laugh at them1 he should be sure not to laugh until the climax is reached4 ,the skilful do not think it incumbent on them to tell stories just as they hear them4 ,modifications that they think will render them more effective they do not hesitate to make4 ,he that never will confess his ignorance nor admit that he has erred in judgment publishes his weakness when he thinks he is concealing it4 ,there are no surer indications of strength than candor and frankness4 ,men of sense do not expect to be looked upon as being all-wise and infallible1 and they know that a frank confession that they are ignorant or have erred1 always works to their advantage2 and further1 they feel that they are so wise and are so often right that they can afford to be frank in confessing their ignorance when they are ignorant and their errors when they have erred4 8,a man should never blush in confessing his errors10 says ,rousseau1 8for he proves by the avowal that he is wiser to-day than he was yesterday40 ,relatives and intimate friends should be careful1 in their associations with others1 not to make an indiscreet or ungenerous use of the knowledge they have gained of one another4 ,the wise man is silent in regard to the weaknesses of those with whom he stands in close relations4 ,indeed1 there is something generous and noble in the endeavor to make men think as well of one another as a regard for truth will permit4 ,the habitual depreciator is one of the weakest and most unlovable of men4 ,one of the things we should be most studious to avoid in conversation is perversity4 ,there are men that seem to think it their special mission in this world to set others right4 ,say what you may1 and say it as you may1 they will immediately proceed to show you that you are at least partly1 if not wholly1 wrong4 ,as for agreeing with you1 they never do1 unless1 in disagreeing with a third person1 they agree with you accidentally4 ,it is hardly necessary to say that this perverseness is not a characteristic of persons of a generous nature or a large understanding4 ,it is the product of a feeling closely allied to envy1 and is peculiar to men of overweening conceit and inordinate love of adulation4 ,quite unconsciously they oftentimes do little else than assail whatever is advanced by others1 solely because they cannot brook the thought that the attention of the company be diverted from themselves4 ,the old injunction1 8,if you cannot speak well of people1 speak of them not at all10 has never yet been heeded by any one1 nor should it be1 for it is by exchanging opinions of our acquaintances and by discussing their faults and weaknesses that we add to our knowledge of human nature1 than which few things are more desirable4 8,there are two kinds of gossip10 says an ,english writer--8the good-humored and the scandalous--the gossip that touches lightly on faults and foibles1 and amusing incidents and curious contrasts1 and the gossip that peers into the privacy of domestic life1 and invents or misrepresents4 ,the latter no right-thinking person will indulge in or listen to2 the former is the salt of ordinary conversation4 ,we cannot help taking an interest in our fellows1 and there is no reason why we should not1 so long as that interest is not malignant40 8,keep clear10 says ,dr4 ,john ,hall1 8of personalities in general conversation4 ,talk of things1 objects1 thoughts4 ,the smallest minds occupy themselves with persons4 ,personalities must sometimes be talked1 because we have to learn and find out men's characteristics for legitimate objects2 but it is to be with confidential persons4 ,poor ,burns wrote and did many foolish things1 but he was wise when he wrote to a young friend3 8#8,ay1 tell your story free1 off-hand1 ,when wi' a bosom crony2 ,but still keep something to yoursel' ,you'll scarcely tell to ony4' 8,do not needlessly report ill of others4 ,there are times when we are compelled to say1 #8,i do not think ,bouncer a true and honest man4' ,but when there is no need to express an opinion1 let poor ,bouncer swagger away4 ,others will take his measure1 no doubt1 and save you the trouble of analyzing him and instructing them4 ,and as far as possible dwell on the good side of human beings4 ,there are family-boards where a constant process of depreciating1 assigning motives and cutting up character goes forward4 ,they are not pleasant places4 ,one who is healthy does not wish to dine at a dissecting-table4 ,there is evil enough in men1 ,god knows4 ,but it is not the mission of every young man and woman to detail and report it all4 ,keep the atmosphere as pure as possible1 and fragrant with gentleness and charity40 ,persons of kindly natures take pleasure in repeating the pleasant things they hear one acquaintance say of another2 on the other hand1 persons of an envious1 jealous nature repeat the unpleasant thing they hear1 or nothing4 ,there is nothing that does more to promote kindly feeling than the repeating of pleasant things4 ,never say1 8,it is my opinion10 or 8,i believe10 or 8,i think0--expressions that differ but little in meaning--when you are not thoroughly acquainted with the matter4 ,in a matter of which a man has no knowledge he can have no opinion2 he can1 at the most1 have an impression4 ,say1 therefore1 when speaking of a matter of which you know little or nothing1 if you would talk like a man of sense1 8,my impression is10 or 8from the little ,i know of the matter1 my impression is10 or 8,i know only enough of the matter to allow myself an impression1 and that is10 or something of the sort4 ,men that are always ready with their 8opinion0 generally have no opinions of anything4 8,there is a kind of pin-feather gentility10 says 8,the ,verbalist10 8that seems to have a settled aversion to using the terms man and woman4 ,well-bred men1 men of culture and refinement--gentlemen1 in short--use the terms lady and gentleman comparatively little1 and they are especially careful not to call themselves gentlemen when they can avoid it4 ,a gentleman1 for example1 does not say1 #8,i1 with some other gentlemen1 went1' etc42 he is careful to leave out the word other4 ,the men that use these terms most1 and especially those that lose no opportunity to proclaim themselves gentlemen1 belong to that class of men that cock their hats on one side of their heads1 and often wear them when and where gentlemen would remove them2 that pride themselves on their familiarity with the latest slang2 that proclaim their independence by showing the least possible consideration for others2 that laugh long and loud at their own wit2 that wear a profusion of cheap jewelry1 use bad grammar1 and interlard their talk with big oaths40 8,socially1 the term gentleman10 says the ,london periodical1 ,all the ,year ,round1 8has become almost vulgar4 ,it is certainly less employed by gentlemen than by inferior persons4 ,the one speaks of #8a man ,i know1' the other of #8a gentleman ,i know4' ,again1 as regards the term lady4 ,it is quite in accordance with the usages of society to speak of your acquaintance the duchess as #8a very nice person4' ,people who say #8a very nice lady' are not generally of a social class that has much to do with duchesses40 8,the terms lady and gentleman10 says the ,london ,queen1 8become in themselves vulgar when misapplied1 and the improper application of the wrong term at the wrong time makes all the difference in the world to ears polite40 8,bashfulness10 says ,bacon1 8is a great hindrance to a man both of uttering his conceit and understanding what is propounded unto him2 wherefore it is good to press himself forward with discretion both in speech and company of the better sort40 8,shyness10 says a modern writer1 8cramps every motion1 clogs every word4 ,the only way to overcome the fault is to mix constantly in society1 and the habitual intercourse with others will give you the ease of manner that shyness destroys40 8,in all kinds of speech10 says ,bacon1 8either pleasant1 grave1 severe1 or ordinary1 it is convenient to speak rather slowly than hastily2 because hasty speech confounds the memory1 and oftentimes drives a man either to a nonplus or unseemly stammering upon what should follow2 whereas a slow speech confirmeth the memory1 addeth a conceit of wisdom to the hearers1 besides a seemliness of speech and countenance40 ,the man of real dignity1 of real intellectual strength1 never hesitates to establish a sort of friendly relation with his servants and subordinates4 ,if you see a man going about with a 8ramrod down his back10 looking over the heads of his servants and subordinates1 you may be sure that he knows just enough to know that his dignity is a nurseling and needs his constant attention4 ,be not in haste to take offence2 be sure first that an indignity is intended4 ,he that calls you hard names1 if they are unmerited1 is beneath your resentment2 if merited1 you have no right to complain4 ,in either case1 nine times in ten1 the better course is to say little and go your way4 ,a well-bred man seldom if ever feels justified in indulging in recrimination4 ,altercations are as much to be avoided as personal encounters4 ,it often requires more courage to avoid a quarrel than to engage in one1 and then the courage that keeps one out of a quarrel is the courage of the philosopher1 while the courage that leads one into a quarrel is the courage of the bully4 ,he that boasts of his prowess is a blackguard4 ,steer wide of the stupid habit many persons get into of repeating questions that are asked them1 and of asking others to repeat what they have said4 ,if you take the trouble to observe1 you will find your experience with these people to be something like this3 8,will this street take me into ,chatham ,square80 8,chatham ,square1 did you say80 ,you go into a men's furnishing store and ask3 8,will you show me some sixteen-inch collars80 8,sixteen inch1 did you say80 ,you ask an acquaintance3 8,how long have you been in ,new ,york80 8,how long have ,i been in ,new ,york1 did you say80 or1 8,which do you think the prettier of the two80 8,which do ,i think the prettier80 or1 8,i think it will be warmer to-morrow40 8,what did you say80 or1 8,patti was ill and did not sing last evening40 8,what do you say1 ,patti didn't sing80 8,when do you expect to break yourself of the habit of asking me to repeat everything ,i say1 or of repeating everything over after me80 8,when do ,i expect to break myself of the habit80 ,if you think you have been understood1 all you have to do1 as a rule1 is to keep silent and look your interlocutor full in the face for a moment to be made sure of it4 ,there is a kind of comparatively harmless gossip that some men indulge in1 that makes them appear very diminutive in the eyes of men of the world4 ,i refer to the habit some men have of making what may chance to come to their knowledge of other people's affairs and movements the subject of conversation4 ,though there is generally nothing malicious in the gabble of these busybodies1 it sometimes causes a deal of unpleasantness4 ,men whose ambition it is to appear knowing1 know1 if they did but know it1 far less than their discreet-mouthed neighbors4 ,all writers on the amenities of conversation agree that the discussion of politics and religion should be excluded from general society1 for the reason that such discussions are very liable to end unpleasantly4 ,yet this would never be the case1 if we were sufficiently philosophic to reflect that we are all what circumstances have made us1 and that we1 with only now and then an exception1 should be of the same opinions as our neighbors had we been reared under like influences4 ,when we censure another for his way of thinking1 if we did but know it1 we find fault not with him1 but with the surroundings amid which he has grown up4 ,there are but very few men in the world that have opinions that are really their own1 i4e41 that are the product of their own1 independent judgment4 ,most men simply echo the opinions that have chanced to fall to their lot1 and had other opinions chanced to fall to their lot--though directly opposed to those they now entertain--they would1 in like manner1 have echoed them--have fought for them1 if occasion offered4 ,but as there are very few of us that are not swayed by prejudice rather than guided by philosophy1 politics and religion are1 and are pretty sure to remain1 dangerous topics to introduce into the social circle1 and that1 too1 for the simple reason1 as already intimated1 that they are subjects upon which people generally feel so deeply that they cannot discuss them calmly1 courteously1 and rationally4 ,we sometimes meet with persons that lose no opportunity to say sharp things--things that wound4 ,they are occasionally persons of some wit1 but they are never persons of any wisdom1 or they would not do what is sure to make them many enemies4 ,good manners without kindliness is impossible4 ,persons of the best fashion avoid expressing themselves in the extravagant4 ,they leave inflation to their inferiors1 with many of whom nothing short of the superlative will suffice4 ,from them we hear such expressions as 8awfully nice10 8beastly ugly10 8horridly stuck up10 8frightfully cold10 8simply magnificent10 and 8just divine10 while persons of better culture1 to express the same thoughts1 content themselves with 8very pretty10 8very plain10 8rather haughty10 8very cold10 8excellent10 and the like4 ,intemperance in the use of language1 like intemperance in everything else1 is vulgar4 ,,calls ,,and ,,cards4 ,custom is a law ,as high as heaven1 as wide as seas or land4 --,,lansdowne4 ,an ,english authority tells us that the chief things to be considered in making calls are the occasions and the hours4 ,between friends there is little need of ceremony in the matter1 as a friendly visit may be made at almost any time and on almost any occasion4 ,a man that can command his time may make ceremonious calls1 in most of the large cities1 at any hour between two and five in the afternoon1 and the man that has not the leisure to call during the afternoon may make calls in the evening after half past eight4 ,the careless1 ignorant1 or over-eager sometimes call earlier1 for fear the lady may be out2 but this is not considered good usage4 ,calls may be divided into three classes3 #a4 ,visits of ceremony4 #b4 ,visits of congratulation or sympathy4 #c4 ,general calls4 ,ceremonious calls are those made to present letters of introduction1 or after dinners1 parties1 or balls4 ,in calling to present a letter of introduction1 the caller does not go in1 but simply leaves the letter1 with his card and address4 ,in returning a call made with a letter of introduction1 the caller must go in1 if the person on whom he calls is at home4 ,if your letter of introduction is for a special purpose--which purpose should be mentioned in the letter--you will send it in with your card1 and ask for an interview4 ,in giving letters of introduction1 you take a great responsibility4 ,you should1 therefore1 give them only to persons that have your entire confidence and for whom you are willing to be responsible4 ,they should be left open1 in order that their bearers may acquaint themselves with their contents4 ,a call should be made within a week after balls1 dancing parties1 or dinners to which you have been invited1 whether you accepted or not4 ,such calls1 some one has said1 should resemble wit in their brevity1 not exceeding the length of a reasonable sermon--say twenty or thirty minutes at the most4 ,if during your call another visitor should arrive1 you should not appear to shun him1 but should wait two or three minutes1 and join in the conversation before you take leave4 ,persons that out-sit two or three callers1 unless there is some special reason for their doing so1 are in danger of being called bores1 who are persons that have not sufficient tact to know when they should take leave4 ,it is often no easy matter either to know when to take leave or how to take leave gracefully4 ,as a rule1 avoid all such observations as1 8,well1 ,i think it is time for me to be going10 and do not look at your watch4 ,the best way to make one's exit1 whether the conversation has begun to flag or not1 is to say something effective1 as ,pelham was wont to do1 and withdraw immediately thereafter4 ,above all1 do not prolong your leave-taking4 ,when you start to go1 go4 ,interminable leave-takers are very tiresome4 ,a man should never offer to shake hands with persons on whom he calls4 ,if1 however1 those on whom a man calls offer him their hands when he arrives1 he may offer them his hand when he takes leave2 but this is by no means necessary4 ,a man1 in making calls1 should always carry his hat into the drawing-room4 ,he may carry his cane also into the drawing-room1 if he chooses to do so1 but there is no special reason why he should4 ,the carrying of one's hat is sufficient intimation that one has not come to remain4 ,authorities differ with regard to what a man shall do with his hat when he gets into the drawing-room4 ,one ,english authority says3 8,the hat should never be laid on a table1 pianoforte1 or any article of furniture1 but must be held properly in the hand4 ,if you are compelled to lay it aside1 put it on the floor40 ,another ,english authority says3 8,a gentleman holds his hat until he has seen the mistress of the house and shaken hands with her4 ,he would then either place it on a chair or table near at hand1 or hold it in his hand until he took leave40 ,men of sense and a little independence will do as they please4 ,what objection can there be to a man's putting his hat on a chair1 a table1 or a piano8 ,in making short calls1 a man should hold his hat1 unless he should want to use both hands for some other purpose4 ,but whether it is permissible or not for a man to put his hat on some article of furniture1 it is certain that if he carries hat and cane into the drawing-room1 he should put them down somewhere1 or hold them still1 and not betray his gaucherie by flourishing the one or twirling the other4 ,a man should never say1 8,excuse my glove10 nor1 if he is neatly gloved1 should he remove his glove to shake hands with any one4 ,never take a seat on a sofa1 unless invited to do so2 nor in an arm-chair1 uninvited1 unless there are several in the room unoccupied2 nor is it permissible to leave your chair to get nearer the fire4 ,a gentleman should1 generally1 rise when a lady enters the drawing-room1 and remain standing till she is seated2 and1 though a stranger1 he should place a chair for her1 if there is not one convenient2 but not his own1 if there is another at hand4 ,a gentleman should also generally rise if a lady leaves the drawing-room1 and remain standing until she has passed out4 ,never take any one to call on ladies of your acquaintance before asking their permission to do so4 ,when going to spend the evening with a friend that you visit often1 it is quite proper that you should leave your hat in the hall4 ,never take a dog into a drawing-room when you make a call4 ,for many reasons a visitor has no right to inflict the society of his dog on his acquaintance4 ,a gentleman that is invited by a lady to call cannot1 without showing a want of courtesy1 neglect to pay her a call within a week or ten days4 ,visits of condolence are paid within a week1 or ten days at most1 after the event that occasions them4 ,personal visits of this kind are made only by relatives and intimate friends1 who should be careful to make the conversation as little painful as possible4 ,in paying visits of congratulation1 you should always go in1 and be hearty in your congratulations4 8,there are many great men10 says 8,the ,man in the ,club-,window10 8who go unrewarded for the services they render humanity4 ,nay1 even their names are lost1 while we daily bless their inventions4 ,one of these is he1 if it was not a woman1 who introduced the use of visiting-cards4 ,in days of yore a slate or a book was kept1 and you wrote your name on it4 ,but then that could be done only when your acquaintance was #8not at home4' ,to the ,french is due the practice of making the delivery of a card serve the purpose of the appearance of the person1 and with those who may have a large acquaintance this custom is becoming very common in large towns40 ,the fashion of cards as to size1 material1 style of engraving1 and the mode of using them1 is very variable4 ,visiting-cards1 at present1 should be small1 and printed on fine1 thin bristol-board1 in ,italian script without any flourishes4 ,the address in the right-hand corner1 and if a member of a club1 the name of the club in the left-hand corner4 ,glazed cards1 fac-similes and ornamental styles of letters are entirely out of fashion4 ,the black borders of mourning cards vary in width according to circumstances1 the maximum width being three eighths of an inch1 which is denominated 8extra extra wide40 ,nearly all ,new ,york men have 8,mr40 on their cards1 and yet in ,england1 where the custom originated1 according to two authorities before me1 the practice is going out of fashion4 ,one of them says3 8,some gentlemen and unmarried ladies have adopted the continental custom of omitting the #8,mr4' and #8,miss' upon their cards2 as ,alfred ,john ,majoribanks2 or ,lucy ,carrington4 ,and the fashion is a good one40 ,another ,english writer says3 8,to have #8,francis ,smith' printed on the card without the prefix #8,mr4' would be a glaring solecism1 and in the worst possible taste40 ,the writers are both 8members of the aristocracy40 ,military or professional titles take the place of the 8,mr410 as1 8,captain ,john ,smith10 8,colonel ,john ,smith10 8,rev4 ,john ,smith10 8,dr4 ,john ,smith10 etc4 8,visiting-cards can under no circumstances be sent by post2 to do so would betray the greatest ignorance of what is done in society4 ,cards must be left in person10 says an ,english writer4 8,it is for this ceremonious card-leaving that it is now proposed to send the cards by post1 which sensible people in ,england are advocating1 as well as sensible people here10 says an ,american writer4 ,the turning-down of the corner or the end of a card signifies that the owner left it in person4 ,it is better usage1 because more recent1 to turn the end4 ,in countries where great importance is attached to such little things1 even those that send their cards by servants turn them across one end--usually the right end--as if they had left them in person4 ,cards left on ,new ,year's ,day1 or on any other reception day1 simply for the purpose of refreshing the memory of the hostess1 are never turned down4 ,usage in these matters varies not only in different countries1 but often in the different large cities of the same country4 ,persons that are not sure that they are thoroughly informed should inquire4 ,on reception days the caller must go in2 the simple leaving of his card on those days does not suffice4 ,p4 ,p4 ,c4 cards are the only cards that it is universally considered permissible to send by post4 ,to return a call1 made in person1 with cards inclosed in an envelope is an intimation that the sender is not desirous to continue the acquaintance4 8,as regards leaving cards upon new acquaintances10 says the ,english authority already quoted1 8a gentleman may not leave a card upon a married lady1 or the mistress of a house1 to whom he has been introduced1 however gracious or agreeable she may have been1 unless she expressly asks him to call1 or gives him to understand in an unmistakable manner that his doing so would be agreeable to her4 ,this rule holds good1 whether the introduction has taken place at a dinner-party1 at a ball1 at an #8at home1' at a country gathering1 or elsewhere2 he would not be authorized in leaving his card on her on such slight acquaintanceship2 as1 if she desired his further acquaintance1 she would make some polite allusion to his calling at her house1 such as1 #8,i hope we shall see you when we are in town this season1' or1 #8,i am always at home at five o'clock1 if you like to come to see us4' ,if a woman of the world she would use some such formula1 but would not use a direct one1 in which case he would leave his card on her as soon afterward as convenient1 and he would also leave a card for the master of the house1 the lady's husband or father1 as the case might be1 even if he had not made his acquaintance when making that of the lady4 8,a gentleman may not under any circumstances leave his card on a young lady to whom he has been introduced1 unless her mother1 chaperone1 or the lady under whose care she is for the time1 gives him the opportunity of furthering the acquaintance in the manner we have just indicated4 ,the young lady must not take the initiative herself1 but must leave it to her mother or chaperone to do so4 ,it would be considered #8ill-bred' were a gentleman to ask1 #8if he might have the pleasure of calling1' etc40 ,but in ,america1 according to the author of 8,social ,etiquette of ,new ,york10 a young man may proceed quite differently4 ,she says3 8,after a gentleman has been introduced to a lady1 he may be in doubt whether the acquaintance will prove agreeable to her4 ,he may be too delicate to give her the unpleasantness of refusing him permission to call on her1 should he beg such an honor4 ,therefore1 if he covet her acquaintance1 he leaves his card at her residence1 and her mother or chaperone will send an invitation to him to visit the family1 or1 perhaps1 to be present at an entertainment1 after which it is his duty to call and pay his respects4 ,if the list of acquaintance be already too extensive1 no notice need be taken of the card1 and he will wait for a recognition from the ladies of the household when they meet again4 ,if the acquaintance be really desirable1 a prompt acknowledgment of his desire to become acquainted is admitted in some refined and acceptable form4 8,a gentleman10 says the same writer1 8will always promptly accept or decline an invitation to anything4 ,it was once an unsettled question whether or not receptions1 kettledrums1 and the like gatherings1 required the formality of a reply4 ,that vague doubt is terminated4 ,every invitation should be answered1 and then there can be no misunderstanding40 ,gentlemen1 in making formal calls1 ask if 8the ladies are at home40 ,if they are not1 some men leave a card for each1 while others leave one card only1 which1 it would seem1 should suffice4 ,if a gentleman calls on a young lady that is the guest of a lady he does not know1 he will1 nevertheless1 ask to see her hostess4 ,if a gentleman receives an invitation from a new acquaintance1 he should leave his card on host and hostess the day after the entertainment1 whether he was present or not4 ,rules with regard to card-leaving have little or no significance among intimate friends4 ,,odds ,,and ,,ends4 ,manners are what vex or soothe1 corrupt or purify1 exalt or debase1 barbarize or refine us1 by a constant1 steady1 uniform1 insensible operation1 like that of the air we breathe in4--,,burke4 ,,desire and fear are the two great springs of human effort4 ,every fear supposes an evil2 every desire a good4 ,what are the real evils and the real goods8 ,what are the means by which these may be obtained and those avoided8 ,this research is the principal object of philosophy1 which1 without excluding any truth1 has man for its study and wisdom for its object1 and may be called the 8,art of ,living40 ,the other arts have but a momentary utility2 the utility of this one is constant4 ,it is of every country1 of every age1 of every condition4 ,there is not a moment of our lives when it may not serve as a guide by pointing to the duties we should perform1 the pleasures we may taste1 the dangers we should shun4 ,,anger is the delirium of offended pride4 ,it is rarely useful1 and one of these brief paroxysms of folly may embitter one's whole life4 ,he that contends for his rights without losing his temper is not only more dignified1 but is also more effective than he that loses it4 ,to get angry with an inferior is degrading2 with an equal1 dangerous2 with a superior1 ridiculous1 while toward all there is danger of being unjust4 ,few things are more impressive than to see calmness opposed to violence1 refinement to vulgarity1 or decorum to ruffianism4 8,,the late ,douglass ,jerrold likened civility to an air-cushion--possessing no tangible substance1 yet serving to ease the jolts we encounter in our journeying through life4 ,to say that a person is civil does not imply that he is agreeable1 yet civility is the next step to being agreeable4 ,some persons pride themselves on being brusque or boorish1 and it is well to let such have a wide berth in which to exercise their peculiarities4 ,while wonders may be accomplished in being civil and agreeable1 nothing can be gained by incivility4 ,it is the manners that make the man or the woman4 ,the presence of an agreeable person is like a ray of sunshine that warms and halos everything on which it falls1 while a disagreeable fellow will chill the pleasantest company ever assembled2 and it is one of those mysteries that can never be solved why they are permitted to flourish and have their venomous existence1 unless they are to be considered as checks to prevent us from a surfeit of happiness in this world40 ,,intellectual is more frequent than physical short-sightedness1 and nothing is more frequent than for the important and the true to escape the vision of the vulgar4 ,it is not a ,socrates and his wisdom that are honored with a great following1 but a ,mahomet and his ignorance that establish a sect that numbers an eighth of the population of the globe4 ,it is not the laws of the profound and magnanimous ,lycurgus that have come down to us1 but those of the pedant ,theodosius and the cruel ,justinian4 ,if a truth comes down to us from heaven1 it does wisely to first appear in the habiliments of folly in order to guard against being at first taken for an error4 8,,always suspect a man that affects great softness of manner1 an unruffled evenness of temper1 and an enunciation studied1 low1 and deliberate4 ,these things are all unnatural1 and bespeak a degree of mental discipline into which he that has no purposes of craft or design to answer cannot submit to drill himself4 ,the most successful knaves are usually of this description1 as smooth as razors dipped in oil and as sharp4 ,they affect the innocence of the dove1 which they have not1 in order to hide the cunning of the serpent1 which they have40 ,,to the vulgar1 the most sublime truths are only prejudices because they accept them as they accept error--without examination4 ,what is more humiliating to contemplate than the universality of opinion and of faith in the same community6 ,we find a whole people1 with few exceptions1 of one way of thinking1 and a little farther on1 another people with directly opposite ideas1 while each are equally convinced of the correctness of their views4 ,there is not a ridiculous custom1 an absurd opinion1 or an inhuman atrocity that1 in one century or another1 has not had the sanction of the law and the approbation of the public4 ,if it is the custom to worship certain animals or plants1 as among the ancient ,egyptians1 for example--among whom1 however1 this worship was only symbolic--the whole nation prostrate themselves before them1 and pronounce those that differ from them heathen dogs or impious barbarians4 ,this clearly demonstrates that he that follows the dictates of conscience--a thing always of cultivation--may follow one of the worst of guides4 ,when among the ,greeks and the ,carthaginians1 and among nearly all the people of the ,north1 they sacrificed human victims to the gods ,orus1 ,agrolos1 ,kronos1 ,molock1 ,thor and ,woden2 when their altars ran with the blood of innocence1 a mother sacrificing her son1 a son his father2 or when1 in nearer times1 one neighbor butchered another1 one brother another1 it was the dictates of conscience that they followed4 ,but we need not go to history for evidence of the insufficiency of conscience as a guide2 we have only to look about us4 ,truth and justice are always the same1 and are always within the reach of reason1 while conscience varies to infinity4 ,it is one in ,vienna and another in ,constantinople1 one in ,new ,york and another in the city of ,mexico1 one at ,dover and another across the ,channel at ,calais4 ,the highest intelligence examines before it accepts1 and rejects all that is opposed to reason4 8,,never show that you feel a slight4 ,this is worldly wise as well as ,christian1 for no one but a mean person will put a slight on another1 and such a person always profoundly respects the one who is unconscious of his feeble spite4 ,never resent publicly a lack of courtesy2 it is in the worst taste4 ,what you do privately about dropping such an acquaintance must be left to yourself4 ,to a person of a noble mind the contests of society must ever seem poor and frivolous as they think of these narrow enmities and low political manuvres1 but we know that they exist1 and that we must meet them4 ,temper1 detraction and small spite are as vulgar on a ,turkey carpet and in a palace as they are in a tenement house2 nay1 worse1 for the educated contestants know better4 ,never show a factious or peremptory irritability in small things4 ,be patient if a friend keeps you waiting4 ,bear1 as long as you can1 heat or a draught rather than make others uncomfortable4 ,do not be fussy about your supposed rights2 yield a disputed point of precedence4 ,all society has to be made up of these concessions2 they are your unnumbered friends in the long run4 ,we are not always wrong when we quarrel2 but if we meet our deadliest foe at a friend's house we are bound to treat him with perfect civility4 ,that is neutral ground4 ,burke said that manners were more important than laws40 ,,modesty is an admirable thing for a man to have1 in appearance2 a questionable thing for him to have1 in fact4 ,that that most tends to make men modest is the recollection of the stupid things they have done and said4 8,,as learning and honor10 says ,chesterfield1 8are necessary to gain you the esteem and admiration of mankind1 so politeness and good breeding are necessary to make you welcome in society4 ,great talents are above the generality of the world1 who neither possess them themselves nor judge of them rightly in others2 but all are judges of civility and an obliging manner40 8,,good sense must1 in many cases1 determine good breeding2 because the same thing that would be civil at one time and to one person1 may be quite otherwise at another time and to another person40 ,,there is no surer sign of vulgarity than the discourteous treatment of those below us in the social scale4 ,let your manner toward servants be gentle and courteous1 but not unduly familiar4 ,ask rather than command4 ,it is better to inspire love than fear4 ,the master that is beloved is better served than the master that is feared4 ,the world over1 the members of the old aristocracy are more popular--because they are more affable--with the lower orders1 than are the newly rich4 ,,avoid eccentricities4 ,they are sure indications of weakness1 of vanity1 and of a badly balanced brain4 ,do as other people do1 dress as other people dress1 and in all things conform to established usages4 ,yet while we bear in mind that whatever is outr is vulgar1 we should also bear in mind that blind obedience to the mandates of fashion is repulsive4 ,,we occasionally meet with persons that pride themselves on their candor and their frankness4 ,upon a nearer acquaintance we generally discover that the candor of which they boast is but an exhibition of their egotism1 and that their frankness is what considerate people call rudeness4 8,,how often a bitter speech that has caused keen pain to the hearer has been followed by such words as these1 as if in justification of the unkindness shown3 #8,i'm a plain1 blunt person1 and ,i have to speak out just what ,i think4 ,people must take me as the ,lord made me4' ,anything meaner than such an attempt to throw the responsibility for one's ugliness of temper off on the ,lord it would be hard to imagine4 ,frankness of speech is one thing1 but harshness is a very different thing4 ,the ,lord never endowed any man with such a disposition or put him in such circumstances that he was obliged to make stinging1 cruel remarks4 ,some men have more difficulty than others in being sweet-tempered and kindly spoken1 but when one fails it is his own fault4 ,the very attempt to justify harshness in such words as we have quoted is evidence of an uncomfortable consciousness of guilt1 and proves that the speaker does not believe what he says4 ,let the repulsiveness of such utterances when we hear them teach us how they seem to others when we make them40 ,,as it is not possible always to avoid being either too ceremonious or too familiar1 our greatest care should be not to err on the side of familiarity1 which1 the old proverb truthfully says1 breeds contempt4 ,,he that domineers over and insults those below him is sure to cringe and truckle to those above him4 ,,in most things it is well to follow the fashion1 but in all things it is ill to follow the fashion without discretion4 ,the man that allows other people to think for him in small things is incapable of thinking for himself in great ones4 8,,all ceremonies10 says ,chesterfield1 8are in themselves very silly things2 yet a man of the world must know them4 ,they are the outworks of manners1 which would too often be broken in upon if it were not for that defence that keeps the enemy at a proper distance4 ,for that reason ,i always treat fools and coxcombs with great ceremony1 true good breeding not being a sufficient barrier against them40 ,,the hearths of tyrannical1 bullying fathers and of scolding1 complaining mothers are always the scenes of continual bickerings4 ,there1 there is never union but ever disunion4 ,if1 in such families1 there exists any affection among their members1 there is no show of it4 ,,if you are a father1 be the companion of your children1 not their drill-master4 ,if their love for you does not suffice to induce them to do your bidding1 the fault is yours1 not theirs4 ,your wishes should be their law1 and they will be1 if it has been your habit to affectionately appeal to their reason1 to their sense of right--in short1 to their nobler instincts4 ,,not only right thinking men1 but wrong thinking men that are sensible1 are prompt in the keeping of their engagements1 whether of business or of pleasure4 ,,be slow to make promises1 but having made a promise do your uttermost to keep your word4 ,every time another breaks his word with you1 resolve anew never to fail to keep yours4 ,bad examples tend either to demoralize or to elevate4 ,they elevate those in whom the good naturally predominates4 ,,men of sense are often looked upon as being conceited for no other reason than that the fools know they look upon them as being so many donkeys4 ,,there are many ignoble1 foolish1 unbred men in the world whose policy is so shortsighted that they continually bow to place rather than to worth4 ,they forget that he that is up to-day may be down to-morrow1 and that no man is so insignificant that he is powerless to do them good or harm4 ,such men have not even the politeness of enlightened selfishness4 ,,little men in authority1 as a rule1 are on the look-out for small occasions on which to show their importance1 while in matters of any magnitude they readily yield the lead to others4 ,,the man of sense never does anything simply for flourish1 to show off1 for 8splurge40 ,he never makes presents to any one that he cannot abundantly afford to make4 ,he never goes to any expense that his means do not justify4 ,he assumes that those with whom he associates1 that he entertains1 that he extends civilities to are sensible people1 and he remembers that sensible people always look upon every kind of ostentation as vulgar4 ,a ,,recent writer on the amenities of social intercourse says3 8,don't say #8,miss ,susan' or #8,miss ,mary4' ,this strictly is permissible with servants only4 ,address young ladies by their surname1 with prefix of ,miss1 except when in a family of sisters a distinction must be made1 and then give the name in full40 ,on this injunction1 the breezy little ,st4 ,louis ,spectator comments1 with as much sense as humor1 essentially1 thus3 8,i think that such a rule of etiquette as this is rather ,utopian when one considers the impossibility of its practical enforcement4 ,suppose1 for instance1 that ,mr4 ,blank is playing whist with three sisters of the ,turtletack family1 when suddenly ,miss ,sempronia ,turtletack asks3 8#8,what led the last time round8' 8#8,clubs1 ,miss ,sempronia ,turtletack1' answers ,mr4 ,blank4 8#8,are you sure8' 8#8,quite sure4 ,i led a small club1 ,miss ,theodosia ,turtletack followed suit with a small card1 ,miss ,elvira ,turtletack played her king1 and you1 ,miss ,sempronia ,turtletack1 trumped4'0 ,it is hardly possible that any such custom as this exists in any circle of society in any country2 but if such a custom does anywhere exist1 it is in a circle so starched and stayed that it would be difficult for an every-day mortal to breathe in it1 and so stilted and stupid that no sensible mortal would want to breathe in it4 ,i ,,go out of my way to give the following extract wider publicity1 but there is so much in it that many persons would do well to take to heart1 that ,i cannot resist the temptation to reprint it4 ,i find it in ,our ,continent1 and it is from the facile pen of ,mrs4 ,louise ,chandler ,moulton4 8,good breeding1 like charity1 should begin at home4 ,the days are past when children used to rise the moment their parents entered the room where they were and stand until they had received permission to sit4 ,but the mistake is now made usually in the other direction of allowing to small boys and girls too much license to disturb the peace of the household4 ,i think the best way to train children in courtesy would be to observe toward them a scrupulous politeness4 ,i would go so far as to say that we should make it as much a point to listen to children without interrupting them and to answer them as sincerely and respectfully as if they were grown up4 ,and indeed many of their wise1 quaint sayings are far better worth listening to than the stereotyped commonplaces of most morning callers4 ,of course1 to allow uninterrupted chatter would be to surrender the repose of the household1 but it is very easy1 if children are themselves scrupulously respected1 to teach them in turn scrupulously to respect the convenience of others1 and to know when to talk and when to be silent4 8,if a child is brought up in the constant exercise of courtesy toward brothers and sisters and play-mates1 as well as toward parents and uncles and aunts1 it will have little left to learn as it grows older4 ,i know a bright and bewitching little girl who was well instructed in table etiquette1 but who forgot her lessons sometimes1 as even older people do now and then4 ,the arrangement was made with her that for every solecism of this sort she was to pay a fine of five cents1 while for every similar carelessness that she could discover in her elders she was to exact a fine of ten cents1 their experience of life being longer than hers4 ,you may be sure that ,mistress ,bright ,eyes watched the proceedings of that table very carefully4 ,no slightest disregard of the most conventional etiquette escaped her quick vision1 and she was an inflexible creditor and a faithful debtor4 ,it was the prettiest sight to see her1 when conscious of some failure on her own part1 go unhesitatingly to her money-box and pay cheerfully her little tribute to the outraged proprieties4 8,the best brought-up family of children ,i ever knew were educated on the principle of always commending them when it was possible to do so1 and letting silence be the reproof of any wrong-doing that was not really serious4 ,i have heard the children of this household1 when their mother had failed to say any word of commendation after some social occasion1 ask as anxiously as possible1 #8,what was it1 mamma8 ,i know something was wrong4 ,didn't we treat the other children well1 or were we too noisy8' ,in that house reproof was never bestowed unsought--only commendation1 of whatever it was possible to commend1 was gratuitous4 8,i think this system would be as good for those grown-up children1 the husbands and wives1 as for those still in the nursery4 ,i once asked the late ,hepworth ,dixon1 with whom ,i happened to be talking on this subject1 what he thought was the reason why some women held their husbands' hearts securely and forever1 while others were but the brief tenants of a few months or years4 #8,what1' ,i asked1 #8is the quality in a woman that her husband loves longest8' 8#8,that she should be a pillow1' answered ,mr4 ,dixon1 and then meeting the inquiry in my eyes1 he went on1 #8,yes1 that is what a man needs in his wife--something to rest his heart on4 ,he has excitement and opposition enough in the world4 ,he wants to feel that there is one place where he is sure of sympathy1 a place that will give him ease as a pillow gives it to a tired head4 ,do you think a man will be tempted to turn from the woman whose eyes are his flattering mirror--who heals where others wound8' 8,and surely he was right4 ,we are grateful for even a too flattering faith in us1 and if there is any good in us at all1 we try to deserve this faith4 ,but tenderness in the conjugal heart is much more common than grace in the conjugal manner4 ,since1 however1 next to that supreme good of being satisfied in one's own conscience is that second great good of being satisfied in one's own home1 surely no details of manner that tend to such a result are too slight to be observed4 ,i believe in making as pretty a toilet to greet the returning husband as one put on to await the expected sweetheart2 and1 when the husband comes1 he makes a mistake very fatal to his own interests if he fails to notice what he would have praised in other days4 ,it is a trite saying that life is made up of trifles2 but surely the sum of all these domestic trifles amounts to the difference between happiness and unhappiness40 ,,if you are the head of a family1 be slow to assert your authority2 remember that about the most disgusting creature on earth is the domestic tyrant4 ,as we start so we are likely to continue2 if a man starts as a domestic bully1 as a domestic bully he is likely to continue to the end1 making himself unhappy and those about him unhappy his life long4 8,half of us find fault from habit2 but some of us1 we fear1 do so from an inborn ugliness of disposition40 ,,the manner of others toward us is usually the reflex of our manner toward them4 ,as men have howled into the wood so it has ever howled out4 ,,beneath the habitually gentlemanly demeanor of many men--yes1 very many--there lurks a spirit of bullyism that seems to avail itself of every pretext to appear on the surface4 ,men that are thus afflicted are ever ready for an altercation1 in order1 it would seem1 to show their familiarity with the ways and the peculiar phraseology of the braggart and brawler4 ,such men always say that they are gentlemen1 and gentlemen always say that such men are blackguards4 ,,forwardness1 especially in the youthful1 is something to be carefully guarded against4 ,the man1 old or young1 whose manner is forward and 8loud0 is never a welcome addition to a social circle4 ,the forward and loud are generally as inane as they are noisy4 ,if one observes them1 one often finds that what they say is but an elaboration of thoughts already expressed by other members of the company4 ,,if forwardness is a thing to be avoided1 diffidence is not less a thing that should be cured4 ,each is alike proof of a lack of breeding4 ,diffidence can be thoroughly cured only by acquiring the polite accomplishments1 of those in whose society one feels uncomfortable4 ,the boor1 unless he is a downright blockhead1 never feels at ease in the society of the cultured4 ,,good manners go far toward supplying the want of good looks4 ,they constitute the secret of that fascination that we often see exerted by persons that are not gifted with physical attractions4 ,,maxims of ,stephen ,allen1 ,mayor of ,new ,york ,city from #ahba to #ahbc3 8,never be idle4 8,if your hands cannot be usefully employed1 attend to the cultivation of your mind4 8,always speak the truth4 8,make few promises4 8,live up to your engagements4 8,keep your own secrets1 if you have any4 8,when you speak to a person1 look him in the face4 8,good company and good conversation are the very sinews of virtue4 8,good character,a is above all things else4 8,your character,a cannot be essentially injured except by your own acts4 8,if any one speaks evil of you1 let your life be so that no one will believe him4 8,drink no kind of intoxicating liquors4 8,ever live1 misfortune excepted1 within your income4 8,when you retire to bed1 think over what you have done during the day4 8,make no haste to be rich4 8,small and steady gains give competency with tranquillity of mind4 8,never play at any game of chance4 8,avoid temptation through fear that you may not withstand it4 8,earn money before you spend it4 8,never run into debt unless you see a way to get out4 8,never borrow if you can possibly avoid it4 8,do not marry until you are able to support a wife4 8,never speak ill of any one4 8,be just before you are generous4 8,keep yourself innocent1 if you would be happy4 8,save when you are young1 to spend when you are old4 8,read over the above maxims at least once a week40 ,,if a man boasts that he could worst you in a set-to1 answer that you think it very likely as you have no experience in fisticuffing2 that you have never struck any one and should hardly know how to go to work to do it4 ,if a man threaten to do you bodily harm1 ask him if he is in earnest4 ,if he says he is1 run4 ,there is more glory in avoiding a mle by running away than there is in remaining and coming off the victor4 ,but--if the devil be on the side of the blackguard and he corners you1 teach him1 to the best of your ability1 that you are not really a poltroon1 though you are quite willing that bullyism should think you one4 ,,mr4 ,,sparks gives us a collection of directions that ,washington called his 8,rules of ,civility and ,decent ,behavior in ,company40 ,they are as follows3 8#a4 ,every action in company ought to be with some sign of respect to those present4 8#b4 ,in the presence of others sing not to yourself with a humming voice1 nor drum with your fingers or feet4 8#c4 ,speak not when others speak2 sit not when others stand1 and walk not when others stop4 8#d4 ,turn not your back to others1 especially in speaking2 jog not the table or desk on which another writes or reads2 lean not on any one4 8#e4 ,be no flatterer1 neither play with any one that delights not to be played with4 8#f4 ,read no letters1 books or papers in company2 but when there is a necessity for doing it1 ask leave4 ,come not near the books or writings of any one so as to read them unasked2 also look not nigh when another is writing a letter4 8#g4 ,let your countenance be pleasant1 but in serious matters somewhat grave4 8#h4 ,show not yourself glad at the misfortune of another1 though he be your enemy4 8#i4 ,they that are in dignity or in office have in all places precedency2 but while they are young1 they ought to respect those that are their equals in birth or other qualities1 though they have no public charge4 8#aj4 ,it is good manners to prefer those to whom we speak before ourselves1 especially if they be above us1 with whom in no sort we ought to begin4 8#aa4 ,let your discourse with men of business be short and comprehensive4 8#ab4 ,in visiting the sick do not presently play the physician if you be not knowing therein4 8#ac4 ,in writing or speaking give to every person his due title according to his degree and the custom of the place4 8#ad4 ,strive not with your superiors in argument1 but always submit your judgment to others with modesty4 8#ae4 ,undertake not to teach your equal in the art he himself possesses2 it savors of arrogancy4 8#af4 ,when a man does all he can1 though it succeeds not well1 blame not him that did it4 8#ag4 ,being constrained to advise or to reprehend any one1 consider whether it should be done in public or in private1 presently or at some other time1 also in what terms to do it2 and in reproving show no signs of choler1 but do it with sweetness and mildness4 8#ah4 ,mock not nor jest at anything of importance2 break no jests that are sharp or biting2 and if you deliver anything witty or pleasant1 abstain from laughing thereat yourself4 8#ai4 ,wherein you reprove another be unblamable yourself1 for example is ever better than precept4 8#bj4 ,use no reproachful language to any one1 neither curses nor revilings4 8#ba4 ,be not hasty to believe flying reports to the disparagement of any one4 8#bb4 ,in your apparel be modest1 and endeavor to accommodate nature rather than to procure admiration4 ,keep to the fashion of your equals1 such as are civil and orderly1 with respect to time and place4 8#bc4 ,play not the peacock1 looking everywhere about you to see if you are well decked1 if your shoes fit well1 if your stockings sit neatly and clothes handsomely4 8#bd4 ,associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation1 for it is better to be alone than in bad company4 8#be4 ,let your conversation be without malice or envy1 for it is a sign of a tractable and commendable nature2 and in all causes of passion admit reason to govern4 8#bf4 ,be not immodest in urging your friend to discover a secret4 8#bg4 ,utter not base and frivolous things among grown and learned men1 nor very difficult questions or subjects among the ignorant1 nor things hard to be believed4 8#bh4 ,speak not of doleful things in time of mirth nor at the table2 speak not of melancholy things1 as death and wounds2 and if others mention them1 change1 if you can1 the discourse4 ,tell not your dreams but to your intimate friends4 8#bi4 ,break not a jest when none take pleasure in mirth4 ,laugh not aloud1 nor at all without occasion4 ,deride no man's misfortunes1 though there seem to be some cause4 8#cj4 ,speak not injurious words1 neither in jest nor in earnest4 ,scoff at none1 although they give occasion4 8#ca4 ,be not forward1 but friendly and courteous1 the first to salute1 hear and answer1 and be not pensive when it is time to converse4 8#cb4 ,detract not from others1 but neither be excessive in commending4 8#cc4 ,go not thither where you know not whether you shall be welcome or not4 ,give not advice without being asked2 and when asked1 do it briefly4 8#cd4 ,if two contend together1 take not the part of either unconstrained1 and be not obstinate in your opinion2 in things indifferent1 be of the major side4 8#ce4 ,reprehend not the imperfections of others1 for that belongs to masters1 parents and superiors4 8#cf4 ,gaze not on the marks or blemishes of others1 nor ask how they came4 ,what you may speak in secret to your friend deliver not before others4 8#cg4 ,speak not in an unknown tongue in company1 but in your own language2 and that as those of quality do1 and not as the vulgar4 ,sublime matters treat seriously4 8#ch4 ,think before you speak2 pronounce not imperfectly1 nor bring out your words too hastily1 but orderly and distinctly4 8#ci4 ,when another speaks1 be attentive yourself1 and disturb not the audience4 ,if any hesitate in his words1 help him not1 nor answer him till his speech be ended4 8#dj4 ,treat with men at fit times about business1 and whisper not in the company of others4 8#da4 ,make no comparisons2 and if any of the company be commended for any brave act of virtue1 commend not another for the same4 8#db4 ,be not apt to relate news if you know not the truth thereof4 ,in discoursing of things you have heard1 name not your author always4 ,a secret discover not4 8#dc4 ,be not curious to know the affairs of others1 neither approach to those that speak in private4 8#dd4 ,undertake not what you cannot perform4 ,be careful to keep your promise4 8#de4 ,when you deliver a matter1 do it without passion and indiscretion1 however mean the person may be you do it to4 8#df4 ,when your superiors talk to anybody1 hear them2 neither speak nor laugh4 8#dg4 ,in disputes be not so desirous to overcome as to give liberty to each one to deliver his opinion1 and submit to the judgment of the major part1 especially if they are judges of the dispute4 8#dh4 ,be not tedious in discourse1 make not digressions1 nor repeat often the same matter of discourse4 8#di4 ,speak no evil of the absent1 for it is unjust4 8#ej4 ,be not angry at table1 whatever happens2 and if you have reason to be so show it not2 put on a cheerful countenance1 especially if there be strangers1 for good humor makes one dish a feast4 8#ea4 ,set not yourself at the upper end of the table2 but if it be your due1 or if the master of the house will have it so1 contend not1 lest you should trouble the company4 8#eb4 ,when you speak of ,god or ,his attributes1 let it be seriously1 in reverence and honor1 and obey your natural parents4 8#ec4 ,let your recreations be manful1 not sinful4 8#ed4 ,labor to keep alive in your breast that little spark of celestial fire called ,conscience40 ,,footnote3 ,a ,good name--reputation--is probably what is meant here4 ,calumny may injure one's good name1 but it cannot injure one's character4 ,,what ,,is ,a ,,gentleman8 ,education begins the gentleman2 but reading1 good company1 and reflection must finish him4--,,locke4 ,a man of polished and agreeable manners1 as distinguished from the vulgar and clownish4--,,worcester4 ,it would be hard to find two persons that fully agree with regard to what constitutes a gentleman4 ,it is far easier to tell what a gentleman is not than what a gentleman is4 ,for example1 we all agree that the man is not a gentleman that is ignorant of those usages that1 by common consent1 regulate refined social intercourse2 that does not1 in his dress1 conform1 within certain limits at least1 to the prevailing modes2 that is desirous to attract attention by affecting eccentricities2 that bears himself as though he thought himself an object of special attention1 i4e41 is self-conscious2 that has no thought for the comfort1 the feelings1 or the rights of others4 ,in short1 we all agree that no man deserves to be called a gentleman that is not a man of education2 i4e41 that is not sufficiently acquainted with books and with the usages of refined social intercourse to acquit himself creditably in the society of cultivated people4 ,not moral worth1 nor learning1 nor wealth1 nor all three combined1 can1 unaided1 make a gentleman1 for with all three a man might be coarse1 unbred1 unschooled in those things that no man can be ignorant of and be welcome in the society of the refined4 ,a modern ,english writer says that to formulate the definition of a gentleman in negatives would be easy4 8,as1 for instance10 he says1 8we may say that a true gentleman does not soil his conscience with falsehoods1 does not waste his time on sensual indulgence1 does not endeavor to make the worse appear the better reason1 does not ridicule sacred things1 does not wilfully give cause of offence to any1 does not seek to overreach his neighbor1 does not forget the respect due to womanhood1 or old age1 the feeble or the poor4 ,but1 to speak affirmatively10 he continues1 8a gentleman is one whose aims are generous1 whose trust is constant1 whose word is never broken1 whose honor is never stained1 who is as gentle as brave1 and as honest as wise1 who wrongs no one by word or deed1 and dignifies and embellishes life by nobility of thought1 depth of feeling1 and grace of manner40 ,thackeray wrote of the gentleman thus3 8,what is it to be a gentleman8 ,is it not to be honest1 to be gentle1 to be generous1 to be brave1 to be wise1 and1 possessing all these qualities1 to exercise them in the most graceful outward manner8 ,ought not a gentleman to be a loyal son1 a true husband1 an honest father8 ,ought not his life to be decent1 his bills to be paid1 his tastes to be high and elegant1 his aims in life lofty and noble8 ,in a word1 ought not the biography of the ,first ,gentleman in ,europe to be of such a nature1 that it might be read in young ladies' schools with advantage1 and studied with profit in the seminaries of young gentlemen80 ,another ,english writer says that the primary essentials of what constitutes the true gentleman are ,goodness1 ,gentleness and ,unselfishness4 8,upon these qualities10 he says1 8are based all those observances and customs that we class together under the head of ,good ,manners4 ,and these good manners1 be it remembered1 do not consist merely in the art of bowing gracefully1 of entering a room properly1 of talking eloquently1 of being familiar with the minor habits of good society4 ,a man may have all this1 know all this1 and yet1 if he is selfish1 or ill-natured1 or untruthful1 fail of being a gentleman4 ,good manners are far from being the evidence of good training only2 they are also the evidence of a refined nature4 ,they are the fruit of good seed sown on good soil4 ,as a just and elevated thought clearly and gracefully expressed is evidence of a well-trained mind1 so every act1 however unimportant1 and every gesture1 however insignificant1 is evidence of the kindly1 considerate1 modest1 loyal nature of the true gentleman1 or--of the reverse40 ,in a story by ,spielhagen1 the distinguished ,german novelist1 ,i find the following3 8,what do you call a gentleman80 asked the ,duke4 8,will you give me a definition of the word80 8,that is not so easy1 my lord2 indeed1 ,i am not sure that it is possible to define the word satisfactorily10 replied ,lady ,de ,vere4 8,by resorting to metaphors1 however1 ,i may perhaps be able to outline what we all feel1 but are unable fully to describe4 ,a gentleman is one in whom the vigorous and the delicate are happily united4 ,the soft1 the refined--all that comes from frequenting the society of women of culture1 lies in the #8gentle2' the strong1 the firm1 the stern--all that comes from battling with men1 lies in the #8man2' #8gentle' implies the possession of all the social1 #8man' of all the civil1 virtues2 #8man' is the fiery wine1 #8gentle' the tasteful goblet2 #8man' is the sharp1 correct drawing1 #8gentle1' the warm1 soft coloring2 #8gentle' might be the ,sybarite1 who is disturbed by the falling of a rose-leaf1 #8man' is the ,brutus1 who as judge knows not even his own child4 ,pericles1 the brave1 magnanimous1 amiable1 refined ,athenian1 might be offered as an example of the true gentleman40 ,in his essay in ,the ,century1 for ,october1 #ahhc1 on the 8,characteristics of ,london10 ,w4 ,j4 ,stillman contrasts the ,english gentleman with the best ,american type as follows3 8,and it is in this very class that we find here and there that best type of humanity1 as the world knows it1 the true ,english gentleman--a being whose exterior decorum may be counterfeited by his emulator1 whose inmost gentleness and courtesy may be shadowed forth in peer or peasant--who loves his kind1 and feels the common bond of divine birth1 but whose most perfect union of noble demeanor and large-heartedness can only be found where the best type of mind has been permitted the largest and richest culture1 and the completest freedom of hereditary development in the most favorable external circumstances4 ,there are nobles and noblemen--men who seem to be conscious only that surrounding men are lower than they1 and others whose illumination pervades every one near them and brings all up into the same world of light and sweetness4 ,the prestige of nobility is founded on a true human instinct2 occasionally one finds an ,english nobleman who justifies its existence1 and makes us snobs in spite of our democracy4 8,i could1 ,i am certain1 point to ,americans who in every substantial trait of the gentleman will stand comparison with any aristocrat born--men in whom gentlehood has grown to hereditary ripeness2 the third and fourth generations of men who have cultivated on ,american soil the virtues of honesty1 morality1 sincerity1 courtesy1 self-abnegation1 humanity1 benevolence2 men and women whose babyhood was cradled in those influences that make what we call #8good breeding1' and to whom the various vulgarities of our parvenu princes are as foreign as to the bluest-blooded heir of ,normandy fortune2 and this is to me a more grateful and sympathetic type of humanity than that of its ,english congener40 ,in the writings of a ,gallic philosopher1 of a former generation1 that ,i lately chanced upon1 ,i find the homme comme il faut--a man that is pretty nearly the counterpart of our gentleman--described essentially as follows3 ,at the first glance we discover in him nothing that arrests the attention4 ,he is simple1 calm1 ingenuous1 manly rather than graceful1 sedate rather than animated4 ,his manner is neither reserved nor demonstrative1 but attentive1 respectful and guarded2 neither obsequious nor imperious1 but calm and self-possessed4 ,his politeness appears in acts rather than in protestations4 ,though he does not despise convention1 he is not its slave2 he does not allow himself to be hampered by the unimportant1 nor does he ever see a heinous offence in a trifling breach of established usage4 ,his dress is an index of his character3 simple1 appropriate1 harmonious4 ,the man of the world pronounces it tasteful1 the man of the people sees in it nothing that is unusual1 and the man of sense recognizes in it a certain independence of the newest mode4 ,being of those that make haste discreetly1 he studies the characters of his acquaintances before giving them his confidence4 ,in conversation1 he is neither impatient1 restless1 nor hurried1 and though he is careful in selecting his words1 he attaches more importance to the matter of his discourse than to the manner4 ,made to give the tone1 he is content to receive it3 he is wont to take as much pains to remain unnoticed as many another takes to make himself seen4 ,if he appears in a circle where he is not known1 the greater number see in him only a quiet1 plain man that1 despite his simplicity1 however1 has that about him to which they involuntarily yield their respect4 ,the superficial1 the presuming1 and the malicious1 though ignorant of the cause1 are embarrassed by his steady1 searching glance2 the loyal and the unfortunate1 on the contrary1 are drawn toward him1 feeling that in him they shall find a friend4 ,he is guarded in speaking ill of others1 a thing he never does but with right intentions--as1 for example1 to unmask a hypocrite1 to punish the guilty1 or to protect the weak4 ,in speaking of his enemies1 he never forgets to be just2 he is not of those that are blind to the virtues of even the most unworthy1 nor is he of those that are so ungenerous as to deny them4 ,he is temperate in sustaining his opinions1 and opposes only to be better informed1 or to enliven the conversation2 and often he will suddenly acknowledge his defeat1 and confess with generous sincerity that the reasons of his opponent are better than his own4 ,his victories are not less noble4 ,his aim is to enlighten1 not to humiliate1 much less to offend4 ,if he finds that he is opposed by presumption1 obstinacy or ignorance1 it is his habit to yield4 8,you may be right10 he will say2 8my way of seeing things is often erroneous1 and this1 quite likely1 is the case now40 ,he avoids what is likely to create discord1 seeks to promote kindly feeling among his fellows1 and never pleads the faults of others in extenuation of his own4 ,he is slow to take offence1 opposes incivility with urbanity1 and passion with moderation4 ,wrong-doing he accounts a weakness1 and he pleads weakness as its excuse2 the wrong-doer excites his pity rather than his hate4 ,he possesses1 in a high degree1 the happy faculty of adapting himself to others1 from whom he expects no more than they can give and from whom he obtains the best they have4 8,there are few10 he says1 8in whom1 if we study them1 we do not find some estimable qualities4 ,if each has his weaknesses1 so each has his virtues1 which it is for us to discover40 ,herein he excels4 ,the same day may see him dogmatize with a pedant1 reason with a sage1 shine in a social circle1 console the unfortunate1 contend for the rights of humanity1 and swear fidelity to the woman of his choice4 ,he talks trade to the shopkeeper1 politics to the ambitious1 perspective to the painter1 play-things to childhood1 house affairs to the matron1 and probity to all4 ,all he says bears the impress of a benign1 humane philosophy that is now grave and now gay1 as the time or the place may demand4 ,in nothing does his prudence more appear than in his pleasures1 for be their character what it may1 they never see him overstep the limit prescribed by decency and self-respect4 ,that pleasure that injures no one seems to him innocent1 and that recreation that follows labor seems to him reasonable4 ,honesty with him has become a sort of instinct1 which he exercises without reflection4 ,the possibility that he could take an ignoble advantage1 be wilfully unjust1 or betray a trust1 material or confidential1 has never crossed his thought4 ,in the management of his material concerns1 he is a model4 ,in large expenditures he is guarded1 in order that he may be the better able to be liberal in small ones4 ,he never is guilty of that parsimony in little things that disgraces more than display in great ones ever exalts4 ,it is his special care to be discriminating in his bounties1 moderate in his expenditures and punctual in his payments4 ,he often denies himself the pleasures of luxury to indulge in those of benevolence4 ,if misfortune lessens his income1 he is prompt to retrench2 he knows that the friends and acquaintances he will lose should not be accounted veritable losses4 ,he is modest in prosperity1 resigned in adversity1 and dignified always4 ,if he speaks of religion1 he chooses carefully the time and the place4 ,whatever the prevailing belief in the community in which he lives1 he considers it as forming a part of the laws1 and he respects whatever contributes to stability and order4 ,he attacks abuses only and seeks to destroy only what he can replace4 ,he takes nothing on trust1 but examines well before giving his assent2 and that religion finds most favor with him that attaches most importance to the doing of good deeds4 ,the man that in his eyes is the most truly religious is he that does most for his fellows4 ,he rejoices that beneficence is held in like esteem by all creeds1 however widely may differ their dogmas1 and that the various religions of the world repose on the belief in the existence of a ,supreme ,being that punishes vice and rewards virtue4 ,he has the modesty to think and the honesty to confess that as so many millions are in error1 he also may err4 ,nor has he the presumption1 like so many of his fellows1 to set himself up as an infallible judge of others4 ,but he pities those presuming motes that live but an instant1 come they know not whence1 and go they know not where1 and yet would judge the whole by a part1 and eternity by a span1 conclude that all is but the product of chance1 assert that what passes their reason is not reasonable1 and deny the existence of ,him to whom millions of years are but a moment1 and millions of miles but a point4 ,,the ,,end4 ,,books ,,by ,,alfred ,,ayres4 ,some ,ill-used ,words4 ,a ,manual for the ,use of those who ,desire to ,write and ,speak correctly4 #ahmo4 ,cloth1 #a4jj4 ,the book is leveled specially at some half dozen errors that are made by well-nigh every one who uses the ,english language4 ,the ,orthopist4 ,a ,pronouncing ,manual1 containing about ,four ,thousand ,five ,hundred ,words1 including a considerable number of the names of ,foreign ,authors1 ,artists1 etc41 that are often mispronounced4 ,revised and enlarged edition4 #ahmo4 ,cloth1 #a4be4 8,it is sufficient commendation of the work to say that for fourteen years this little volume has had no successful rival in its particular field40--,san ,francisco ,call4 ,the ,verbalist4 ,a ,manual devoted to ,brief ,discussions of the ,right and the ,wrong ,use of ,words1 and to some other ,matters of ,interest to those who would ,speak and ,write with ,propriety4 ,revised and enlarged edition4 #ahmo4 ,cloth1 #a4be4 8,a great deal that is worth knowing1 and of which not even all educated people are aware1 is to be learned from this well-digested little book40--,philadelphia ,north ,american4 ,the ,mentor4 ,a ,little ,book for the ,guidance of such ,men and ,boys as would ,appear to ,advantage in the ,society of ,persons of the ,better ,sort4 ,new and revised edition4 #ahmo4 ,cloth1 #a4jj4 8,in every respect one of the most admirable books on manners and manner4 ,it possesses high literary merit40--,chicago ,evening ,journal4 ,acting and ,actors2 ,elocution and ,elocutionists4 ,a ,book about ,theater ,folk and ,theater ,art4 ,with ,preface by ,harrison ,grey ,fiske2 ,introduction by ,edgar ,s4 ,werner2 ,prologue by ,james ,a4 ,waldron4 #afmo4 ,cloth1 #a4be4 8,a book which has exceeding interest4 ,the author talks in a very agreeable and instructive way about the art of acting1 and while his book has a peculiar charm for those who sit in the orchestra chairs1 it has a special value for the ladies and gentlemen of the stage40--,new ,york ,herald4 ,the ,english ,grammar of ,william ,cobbett4 ,carefully revised and annotated by ,,alfred ,,ayres4 ,with ,index4 #ahmo4 ,cloth1 #a4jj4 8,it is grammar without a master and without tears1 unless they are tears of laughter40--,new ,york ,churchman4 ,,handbooks ,,of ,,social ,,usages4 ,,the ,,complete ,,bachelor4 ,manners for ,men4 ,by the author of 8,as ,seen by ,him0 ,papers4 #ahmo4 ,cloth1 with ,index1 #a4be4 ,this book is by a well-known ,new ,york clubman1 an acknowledged authority on all questions of etiquette4 ,there are chapters on the etiquette of club life1 the etiquette of various pastimes1 on men's dress1 and on clothes1 their care1 and the cost of replenishing a wardrobe1 as well as others giving suggestions for all kinds of bachelor entertainments and stag parties4 ,,social ,,etiquette ,,of ,,new ,,york4 ,rewritten and enlarged4 #ahmo4 ,cloth1 gilt1 #a4jj4 ,special pains have been taken to make this work represent accurately existing customs in ,new ,york society4 ,,don',t2 or1 ,directions for avoiding ,improprieties in ,conduct and ,common ,errors of ,speech4 ,by ,,censor4 ,parchment-,paper ,edition1 square #ahmo1 #cj cents4 ,vest-,pocket ,edition1 cloth1 flexible1 gilt edges1 red lines1 #cj cents4 ,boudoir ,edition 7with a new chapter designed for young people71 cloth1 gilt1 #cj cents4 #achth thousand4 8,don't0 deals with manners at the table1 in the drawing-room1 and in public1 with taste in dress1 with personal habits1 with common mistakes in various situations in life1 and with ordinary errors of speech4 ,,what ,,to ,,do4 ,a ,companion to 8,don't40 ,by ,mrs4 ,,oliver ,,bell ,,bunce4 ,small #ahmo1 cloth1 gilt1 uniform with ,boudoir ,edition of 8,don't10 #cj cents4 ,a dainty little book1 containing helpful and practical explanations of social usages and rules4 ,,hints ,,about ,,men',s ,,dress3 ,right ,principles ,economically ,applied4 ,by a ,,new ,,york ,,clubman4 #ahmo4 ,parchment-paper1 #cj cents4 ,a useful manual1 especially for young men desirous of dressing economically and yet according to the canons of good taste4 8,,good ,,form0 ,,in ,,england4 ,by ,,an ,,american1 resident in the ,united ,kingdom4 #abmo4 ,cloth1 #a4ej4 ,,new ,,edition ,,of ,,english ,,odes4 ,selected by ,,edmund ,w4 ,,gosse4 ,with ,frontispiece on ,india paper from a design by ,,hamo ,,thornycroft1 ,a4 ,r4 ,a4 ,forty-two ,head and ,tail ,pieces from ,original ,drawings by ,,louis ,,rhead4 #afmo4 ,cloth1 special design in gold1 #a4ej4 ,same1 in parchment1 #a4ge4 ,,new ,,edition ,,of ,,english ,,lyrics4 ,uniform with 8,english ,odes40 ,with nearly ,eighty ,head and ,tail ,pieces from ,original ,drawings by ,,louis ,,rhead4 #afmo4 ,cloth1 special design in gold1 #a4ej4 ,same1 in parchment1 #a4ge4 ,,the ,,music ,,series4 ,consisting of ,biographical and ,anecdotical ,sketches of the ,great ,german ,composers2 ,the ,great ,italian and ,french ,composers2 ,great ,singers2 ,great ,violinists and ,pianists4 ,five volumes1 #ahmo4 ,bound in half white and red sides1 #c4ej per set2 half calf1 #h4jj4 ,,the ,,household ,,book ,,of ,,poetry4 ,by ,,charles ,a4 ,,dana4 ,entirely new edition1 from new stereotype plates1 enlarged and brought down to the present time4 ,with nearly ,two ,hundred additional ,poems4 ,illustrated with ,steel ,engravings4 ,royal #hvo4 ,cloth1 gilt extra1 #e4jj2 half calf1 #h4jj2 morocco1 antique1 #aj4jj2 tree calf1 #ab4jj4 ,,fifty ,,perfect ,,poems4 ,a ,collection of ,fifty acknowledged ,masterpieces1 by ,english and ,american ,poets1 selected and edited by ,,charles ,a4 ,,dana and ,,rossiter ,,johnson4 ,with #gb ,illustrations1 printed on ,japanese silk paper1 and mounted on the page4 ,large #hvo4 ,bound in white silk1 #aj4jj2 morocco1 #ae4jj4 ,,poems ,,of ,,nature4 ,by ,,william ,,cullen ,,bryant4 ,profusely illustrated by ,paul de ,longpr4 #hvo4 ,cloth1 gilt1 #d4jj4 ,,punctuation4 ,with ,chapters on ,hyphenization1 ,capitalization1 ,spelling1 etc4 ,by ,f4 ,,horace ,,teall1 author of 8,english ,compound ,words and ,phrases10 etc4 #afmo4 ,cloth1 #a4jj4 8,the rules and directions for the use of the various marks of punctuation are brief1 clear1 and founded on common sense4 ,they are calculated to assist1 and there seems no danger that they will contuse40--,boston ,herald4 8,it seems to be one of the most sensible and practical works on the subject that has come under notice40--,cleveland ,plain ,dealer4 ,,french ,,stumbling-,,blocks ,,and ,,english ,,stepping-,,stones4 ,by ,,francis ,,tarver1 ,m4 ,a41 late ,senior ,french ,master at ,eton ,college4 #abmo4 ,cloth1 #a4jj4 8,a most valuable book for advanced students of ,french as well as beginners4444 ,the book is one of the most useful of the many good books that appear on this subject40--,san ,francisco ,bulletin4 8,one can hardly commend it too highly40--,boston ,herald4 8,a work which will be of great help to the reader and student of ,french1 and which fully meets the promise of its title40--,chicago ,evening ,post4 ,,don',t2 or1 ,directions for avoiding ,improprieties in ,conduct and ,common ,errors of ,speech4 ,by ,,censor4 ,parchment-,paper ,edition1 square i#hmo1 #cj cents4 ,vest-,pocket ,edition1 cloth1 flexible1 gilt edges1 red lines1 #cj cents4 ,boudoir ,edition 7with a new chapter designed for young people71 cloth1 gilt1 #cj cents4 #achth thousand4 8,don't0 deals with manners at the table1 in the drawing-room1 and in public1 with taste in dress1 with personal habits1 with common mistakes in various situations in life1 and with ordinary errors of speech4 ,,what ,,to ,,do4 ,a ,companion to 8,don't40 ,by ,mrs4 ,,oliver ,,bell ,,bunce4 ,small #ahmo1 cloth1 gilt1 uniform with ,boudoir ,edition of 8,don't10 #cj cents4 ,a dainty little book1 containing helpful and practical explanations of social usages and rules4 ,,errors ,,in ,,the ,,use ,,of ,,english4 ,by the late ,,william ,b4 ,,hodgson1 ,,ll4 ,d41 ,fellow of the ,college of ,preceptors1 and ,professor of ,political ,economy in the ,university of ,edinburgh4 #abmo4 ,cloth1 #a4ej4 ,,new ,,volumes ,,in ,,the ,,international ,,education ,,series4 ,,bibliography ,,of ,,education4 ,by ,,will ,s4 ,,monroe1 ,a4 ,b41 ,department of ,pedagogy and ,psychology1 ,state ,normal ,school1 ,westfield1 ,mass4 #b4jj4 ,this book will prove of great use to normal schools1 training schools for teachers1 and to educational lecturers and all special students seeking to acquaint themselves with the literature of any particular department4 ,it will be of especial value to librarians in the way of assisting them to answer two questions3 7a7 ,what books has this library on any special educational theme8 7b7 ,what books ought it to obtain to complete its collection in that theme8 ,,froebel',s ,,educational ,,laws ,,for ,,all ,,teachers4 ,by ,,james ,l4 ,,hughes1 ,inspector of ,schools1 ,toronto4 #a4ej4 ,the aim of this book is to give a simple exposition of the most important principles of ,froebel's educational philosophy1 and to make suggestions regarding the application of these principles to the work of the schoolroom in teaching and training4 ,it will answer the question often propounded1 ,how far beyond the kindergarten can ,froebel's principles be successfully applied8 ,,school ,,management ,,and ,,school ,,methods4 ,by ,dr4 ,j4 ,,baldwin1 ,professor of ,pedagogy in the ,university of ,texas2 ,author of 8,elementary ,psychology and ,education0 and 8,psychology applied to the ,art of ,teaching40 #a4ej4 ,this is eminently an everyday working book for teachers2 practical1 suggestive1 inspiring4 ,it presents clearly the best things achieved1 and points the way to better things4 ,school organization1 school control1 and school methods are studies anew from the standpoint of pupil betterment4 ,the teacher is led to create the ideal school1 embodying all that is best in school work1 and stimulated to endeavor earnestly to realize the ideal4 ,,principles ,,and ,,practice ,,of ,,teaching4 ,by ,,james ,,johonnot4 ,revised by ,sarah ,evans ,johonnot4 #a4ej4 ,this book embodies in a compact form the results of the wide experience and careful reflection of an enthusiastic teacher and school supervisor4 ,mr4 ,johonnot as an educational reformer helped thousands of struggling teachers who had brought over the rural school methods into village school work4 ,he made life worth living to them4 ,his help1 through the pages of this book1 will aid other thousands in the same struggle to adopt the better methods that are possible in the graded school4 ,the teacher who aspires to better his instruction will read this book with profit4 ,,george ,h4 ,,ellwanger',s ,,books4 ,,the ,,garden',s ,,story2 or1 ,pleasures and ,trials of an ,amateur ,gardener4 ,with ,head and ,tail ,pieces by ,rhead4 #afmo4 ,cloth1 extra1 #a4ej4 8,this dainty nugget of horticultural lore treats of the pleasures and trials of an amateur gardener4 ,from the time when daffodils begin to peer and the #8secret of the year' comes in to mid ,october1 ,mr4 ,ellwanger provides an outline of hardy flower-gardening that can be carried on and worked upon by amateurs44440--,philadelphia ,public ,ledger4 8,one of the most charming books of the season4444 ,it is in no sense a text book1 but it combines a vast deal of information with a great deal of out-of-door observation1 and exceedingly pleasant and sympathetic writing about flowers and plants40--,christian ,union4 8,a dainty1 learned1 charming1 and delightful book40--,new ,york ,sun4 ,,the ,,story ,,of ,,my ,,house4 ,with an ,etched ,frontispiece by ,sidney ,l4 ,smith1 and numerous ,head and ,tail ,pieces by ,w4 ,c4 ,greenough4 #afmo4 ,cloth1 extra1 #a4ej4 8,an essay on the building of a house1 with all its kaleidoscopic possibilities in the way of reform1 and its tantalizing successes before the fact1 is always interesting2 and the author is not niggardly in the good points he means to secure4444 ,the book aims only to be agreeable2 its literary flavor is pervasive1 its sentiment kept well in hand40--,new ,york ,evening ,post4 8,when the really perfect book of its class comes to a critic's hands1 all the words he has used to describe fairly satisfactory ones are inadequate for his new purpose1 and he feels inclined1 as in this case1 to stand aside and let the book speak for itself4 ,in its own way1 it would be hardly possible for this daintily printed volume to do better40--,art ,amateur4 ,,in ,,gold ,,and ,,silver4 ,with ,illustrations by ,w4 ,hamilton ,gibson1 ,a4 ,b4 ,wenzell1 and ,w4 ,c4 ,greenough4 #afmo4 ,cloth1 #b4jj4 ,also1 limited dition de luxe1 on ,japanese vellum1 #e4jj4 ,,contents3 ,the ,golden ,rug of ,kermanshh2 ,warders of the ,woods2 ,a ,shadow upon the ,pool2 ,the ,silver ,fox of ,hunt's ,hollow4 8,after spending a half-hour with #8,in ,gold and ,silver1' one recalls the old saying1 #8,precious things come in small parcels4'0--,christian ,intelligencer4 8,one of the handsomest gift books of the year40--,philadelphia ,inquirer4 8,the whole book is eminently interesting1 and emphatically deserving of the very handsome and artistic setting it has received40--,new ,york ,tribune4 ,,outings ,,at ,,odd ,,times4 ,by ,,charles ,c4 ,,abbott1 author of 8,days out of ,doors0 and 8,a ,naturalist's ,rambles about ,home40 #afmo4 ,cloth1 gilt top1 #a4be4 8,a charming little volume1 literally alone with ,nature1 for it discusses seasons and the fields1 birds1 etc41 with the loving freedom of a naturalist born4 ,every page reads like a sylvan poem2 and for the lovers of the beautiful in quiet outdoor and out-of-town life1 this beautifully bound and attractively printed little volume will prove a companion and friend40--,rochester ,union and ,advertiser4 ,a ,,naturalist',s ,,rambles ,,about ,,home4 ,by ,,charles ,c4 ,,abbott4 #abmo4 ,cloth1 #a4ej4 8,the home about which ,dr4 ,abbott rambles is clearly the haunt of fowl and fish1 of animal and insect life2 and it is of the habits and nature of these that he discourses pleasantly in this book4 ,summer and winter1 morning and evening1 he has been in the open air all the time on the alert for some new revelation of instinct1 or feeling1 or character on the part of his neighbor creatures4 ,most that he sees and hears he reports agreeably to us1 as it was no doubt delightful to himself4 ,books like this1 which are free from all the technicalities of science1 but yet lack little that has scientific value1 are well suited to the reading of the young4 ,their atmosphere is a healthy one for boys in particular to breathe40--,boston ,transcript4 ,,days ,,out ,,of ,,doors4 ,by ,,charles ,c4 ,,abbott4 #abmo4 ,cloth1 #a4ej4 8#8,days out of ,doors' is a series of sketches of animal life by ,charles ,c4 ,abbott1 a naturalist whose graceful writings have entertained and instructed the public before now4 ,the essays and narratives in this book are grouped in twelve chapters1 named after the months of the year4 ,under #8,january' the author talks of squirrels1 muskrats1 water-snakes1 and the predatory animals that withstand the rigor of winter2 under #8,february1' of frogs and herons1 crows and blackbirds2 under #8,march1' of gulls and fishes and foxy sparrows2 and so on appropriately1 instructively1 and divertingly through the whole twelve40--,new ,york ,sun4 ,,the ,,playtime ,,naturalist4 ,by ,dr4 ,j4 ,e4 ,,taylor1 ,f4 ,l4 ,s41 editor of 8,science ,gossip40 ,with #cff ,illustrations4 #abmo4 ,cloth1 #a4ej4 8,the work contains abundant evidence of the author's knowledge and enthusiasm1 and any boy who may read it carefully is sure to find something to attract him4 ,the style is clear and lively1 and there are many good illustrations40--,nature4 ,,the ,,origin ,,of ,,floral ,,structures through ,insects and other ,agencies4 ,by the ,rev4 ,,george ,,henslow1 ,professor of ,botany1 ,queen's ,college4 ,with numerous ,illustrations4 #abmo4 ,cloth1 #a4ge4 ,,books ,,by ,,frank ,m4 ,,chapman4 ,bird ,studies with a ,camera4 ,with ,introductory ,chapters on the ,outfit and ,methods of the ,bird ,photographer4 ,by ,,frank ,m4 ,,chapman1 ,associate ,curator of ,vertebrate ,mammalogy and ,ornithology in the ,american ,museum of ,natural ,history2 ,author of 8,handbook of ,birds of ,eastern ,north ,america0 and 8,bird-,life40 ,illustrated with over #ajj ,photographs from ,nature by the ,author4 #abmo4 ,cloth1 #a4ge4 ,bird-,life4 ,a ,guide to the ,study of our ,common ,birds4 ,with #ge full-page uncolored plates and #be drawings in the text1 by ,,ernest ,,seton-,,thompson4 ,library ,edition4 #abmo4 ,cloth1 #a4ge4 ,,two ,,editions ,,in ,,colors1 with #ge lithographic plates1 representing #ajj birds in their natural colors4 #hvo4 ,cloth1 #e4jj4 #abmo4 ,cloth1 #b4jj net2 postage1 #ah cents additional4 ,,teachers' ,,edition4 ,same as ,library ,edition1 but containing an ,appendix with new matter designed for the use of teachers1 and including lists of birds for each month of the year4 #abmo4 ,cloth1 #b4jj4 ,,teachers' ,,manual4 ,to accompany ,portfolios of ,colored ,plates of 8,bird-,life40 ,contains the same text as the ,teachers' ,edition of 8,bird-,life10 but is without the #ge uncolored plates4 ,sold only with the ,portfolios1 as follows3 ,,portfolio ,,no4 ,i4--,permanent ,residents and ,winter ,visitants4 #cb plates4 ,,portfolio ,,no4 ,,ii4--,march and ,april ,migrants4 #cd plates4 ,,portfolio ,,no4 ,,iii4--,may ,migrants1 ,types of ,birds' ,eggs1 ,types of ,birds' ,nests from ,photographs from ,nature4 #cd plates4 ,price of ,portfolios1 each1 #a4be2 with ,manual1 #b4jj4 ,the three ,portfolios with ,manual1 #d4jj4 ,handbook of ,birds of ,eastern ,north ,america4 ,with #bjj ,illustrations4 #abmo4 ,library ,edition4 ,cloth1 #c4jj4 ,pocket ,edition1 flexible morocco1 #c4ej4 ,,by ,f4 ,,schuyler ,,mathews4 ,familiar ,flowers of ,field and ,garden4 ,new edition4 ,with #ab orthochromatic photographs of characteristic flowers by ,l4 ,w4 ,brownell1 and over #bjj drawings by the ,author4 #abmo4 ,cloth1 #a4dj net2 postage1 #ah cents additional4 ,the new photography's revelations of nature have found perfect expression in ,mr4 ,brownell's remarkable pictures4 ,the beautiful series included in this new edition will be appreciated by every one1 and prized by students and nature-lovers4 ,familiar ,trees and their ,leaves4 ,new edition4 ,with pictures of representative trees in colors1 and over #bjj drawings from nature by the ,author4 ,with the botanical name and habitat of each tree and a record of the precise character and color of its leafage4 #hvo4 ,cloth1 #a4ge net2 postage1 #ah cents additional4 ,mr4 ,mathews has executed careful and truthful paintings of characteristic trees1 which have been admirably reproduced in colors4 ,the great popularity of his finely illustrated and useful book is familiar to nature-lovers4 ,the new edition in colors forms a beautiful and indispensable guide to a knowledge of foliage and of trees4 ,familiar ,life in ,field and ,forest4 ,with many ,illustrations4 #abmo4 ,cloth1 #a4ge4 8,the book is one that is apt to please the young naturalist1 as it is not overcrowded with scientific words of such dimensions as are usually a bugbear to the young student4 ,the information is given in a pleasant way that is attractive as well as instructive40--,minneapolis ,tribune4 ,familiar ,features of the ,roadside4 ,with #acj ,illustrations by the ,author4 #abmo4 ,cloth1 #a4ge4 8,which one of us1 whether afoot1 awheel1 on horseback1 or in comfortable carriage1 has not whiled away the time by glancing about8 ,how many of us1 however1 have taken in the details of what charms us8 ,we see the flowering fields and budding woods1 listen to the notes of birds and frogs1 the hum of some big bumblebee1 but how much do we know of what we sense8 ,these questions1 these doubts have occurred to all of us1 and it is to answer them that ,mr4 ,mathews sets forth4 ,it is to his credit that he succeeds so well4 ,he puts before us in chronological order the flowers1 birds1 and beasts we meet on our highway and byway travels1 tells us how to recognize them1 what they are really like1 and gives us at once charming drawings in words and lines1 for ,mr4 ,mathews is his own illustrator40--,boston ,journal4 ,,literatures ,,of ,,the ,,world4 ,edited by ,,edmund ,,gosse1 ,hon4 ,m4 ,a4 of ,trinity ,college1 ,cambridge4 ,a series of attractive volumes dealing with the history of literature in each country4 ,each volume will contain about three hundred and fifty #abmo pages1 and will treat an entire literature1 giving a uniform impression of its development1 history1 and character1 and of its relation to previous and to contemporary work4 ,each1 #abmo1 cloth1 #a4ej4 ,,now ,,ready4 ,chinese ,literature4 ,by ,,herbert ,a4 ,,giles1 ,a4 ,m41 ,,ll4 ,d4 7,aberd471 ,professor of ,chinese in the ,university of ,cambridge4 ,sanskrit ,literature4 ,by ,a4 ,a4 ,,macdonell1 ,m4 ,a41 ,deputy ,boden ,professor of ,sanskrit at the ,university of ,oxford4 ,russian ,literature4 ,by ,k4 ,,waliszewski4 ,bohemian ,literature4 ,by ,,francis1 ,count ,ltzow1 author of 8,bohemia3 ,an ,historical ,sketch40 ,japanese ,literature4 ,by ,w4 ,g4 ,,aston1 ,c4 ,m4 ,g41 ,m4 ,a41 late ,acting ,secretary at the ,british ,legation1 ,tokio4 ,spanish ,literature4 ,by ,j4 ,,fitzmaurice ,,kelly1 ,member of the ,spanish ,academy4 ,italian ,literature4 ,by ,,richard ,,garnett1 ,c4 ,b41 ,,ll4 ,d41 ,keeper of ,printed ,books in the ,british ,museum4 ,ancient ,greek ,literature4 ,by ,,gilbert ,,murray1 ,m4 ,a41 ,professor of ,greek in the ,university of ,glasgow4 ,french ,literature4 ,by ,,edward ,,dowden1 ,d4 ,c4 ,l41 ,,ll4 ,d41 ,professor of ,english ,literature at the ,university of ,dublin4 ,modern ,english ,literature4 ,by the ,,editor4 ,,in ,,preparation4 ,american ,literature4 ,by ,prof4 ,w4 ,b4 ,,trent1 of ,columbia ,university4 ,german ,literature4 ,hungarian ,literature4 ,by ,dr4 ,,zolt,n ,,be,,thy1 ,professor of ,hungarian ,literature at the ,university of ,budapest4 ,latin ,literature4 ,by ,dr4 ,,arthur ,,woolgar-,,verrall1 ,fellow and ,senior ,tutor of ,trinity ,college1 ,cambridge4 ,modern ,scandinavian ,literature4 ,by ,dr4 ,,georg ,,brandes1 of ,copenhagen4 ,d4 ,,appleton ,,and ,,company1 ,,new ,,york4 ,,transcriber',s ,,note ,italic text is denoted by underscores4 ,bold text is denoted by equal signs4 ,obvious typographical errors and punctuation errors have been corrected after careful comparison with other occurrences within the text and consultation of external sources4 ,footnote ,a1 the only footnote1 is referenced twice from page #ahi4 ,except for those changes noted below1 all misspellings in the text1 and inconsistent or archaic usage1 have been retained4 ,for example1 button-hole1 buttonhole2 well bred1 well-bred2 inclosed2 bespatter2 bullyism2 coxcombry4 ,pg #ai1 #8watch1 in apppearance' replaced by #8watch1 in appearance'4 ,pg #acb1 #8small deer' replaced by #8small beer'4 ,pg #acf1 #8light speches' replaced by #8light speeches'4