,transcriber's ,notes3 ,text enclosed by underscores is in italics 7italics74 ,additional ,transcriber's ,notes are at the end4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,how ,,to ,,become ,,an ,,actor4 ,giving complete instructions as to the ,duties of the ,stage ,manager1 ,prompter1 ,scenic ,artist1 ,property ,man1 and how to make out a ,scene ,plot1 ,property ,plot1 etc4 ,also1 how to make up for the ,various ,characters seen on the ,stage4 ,,by ,a ,,prominent ,,stage ,,manager4 ,,new ,,york ,,frank ,,tousey1 ,publisher #bd ,union ,square 99 99 99 99 99 ,entered according to ,act of ,congress1 in the year #aijj1 by ,,prank ,,tousey1 in the ,office of the ,librarian of ,congress at ,washington1 ,d4 ,c4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,how ,,to ,,become ,,an ,,actor4 ,,how ,,to ,,act1 ,,dress1 ,,make ,,up1 ,,and ,,how ,,to ,,rig ,a ,,stage ,,for ,,private ,,theatricals4 ,,introduction4 ,in placing this little book before the boys1 and the public in general1 the author has endeavored to show up the mystic art of stage performances as clearly as possible--explicitly enough to enable the greenest amateur to erect a stage in his own drawing-room1 and to place before his friends the accompanying plays in a manner that shall give entire satisfaction4 ,the growth of private theatricals has been very large of late years1 but the one cry has been3 8,how can we get up a home performance properly1 and with as little expense as possible80 ,nothing easier1 say ,i2 and if my reader will but follow the instructions herein after given1 ,i have not the slightest doubt that he will be fully able to do all he desires in the home-circle in this mystic art2 and with this little prelude1 we proceed at once to the work in hand4 ,,the ,,stage ,,and ,,effects4 ,if the room in which the performances are to be given is furnished with folding doors there will be no need of a proscenium1 but if not1 any enterprising lad can1 by means of a few boards1 rig up one to suit1 and drape it with colored muslin1 to be bought for a few cents per yard at any drygoods store4 ,this done1 a sheet may be tacked securely across the top1 with a heavy pole at the bottom to facilitate its falling4 ,four rows of brass rings may next be sewed at intervals of a foot apart1 from the top of the curtain to the pole at the bottom4 ,strings must then be fastened upon this pole1 brought up through the lines of rings1 and attached to a larger piece of twine running horizontally across the top1 and passing through a screw-eye in the proscenium1 leaving a long end to dangle down1 handy for the person who is to attend to the rising and falling of the curtain4 ,by simply pulling this piece of twine1 the drapery will be found to ascend in graceful folds1 and at the signal for descent1 will drop easily by the weight of the pole4 ,in the following diagram a is the upper cord1 b the rings through which the others pass1 c the dangling end1 e the pole at the bottom4 ,illustration 8,wings10 or side pieces1 may be constructed by stretching muslin over an ordinary frame of common wood1 and braced by a stout stick to the floor1 thus completely obscuring the performers after they have made their exits4 8,flats10 or scenes at the back1 upon frames1 to draw off and on1 will be found too difficult to use in drawing-rooms1 as they necessitate the use of grooves above for them to slide in2 therefore1 ,i would suggest the use of 8drops0--that is1 scenes working after the manner of the curtain1 and when drawn up1 concealed behind the 8borders10 or straight rows of muslin1 tacked horizontally across the top1 and forming the ceiling of the scene1 when completed4 ,in order that there shall be as little cost as possible in furnishing the scenery1 let one lad1 who has a taste for drawing1 stretch the 8drop0 upon a bare floor 7drawn tightly and tacked to the boards71 and then1 take a wood1 a garden1 or a parlor1 and with a piece of charcoal1 copy the trees1 etc41 upon the muslin1 and then paint them in to the best of his ability4 ,the same plan should be followed with the 8wings40 ,care should be taken1 however1 not to remove the paintings from the floor until they are quite dry1 and then stretch them over the frames and fasten securely4 ,one set of 8wings0 should be braced firmly to the floor1 and when a change of scene is required1 the 8drop0 may be drawn up and the other 8wings0 slid in and rested against the braced ones4 ,lamps may be placed on each side of the proscenium1 and if footlights are desired1 a board may be put across before the curtain1 with several lamps placed so as to shine directly upon the stage1 while the board prevents them from glaring upon the audience4 ,the effect can be heightened by a board with a row of candles in tin plates to catch the wax1 behind each 8border10 so that they may shine down upon the actors2 but this is both troublesome and dangerous1 as the ceiling is liable to be smutted1 and a breath of air may blow the dangling 8borders0 into the flame and produce a disastrous effect4 ,this done1 the stage may be set as the play requires4 ,should the action require a storm1 peas may be shaken upon the head of a drum to imitate the rain1 a sheet of zinc will furnish thunder1 and the effect of lightning may be produced with no danger by filling an ordinary putty blower with licopodium and blowing it into the flame of a candle4 7,an article for doing this1 and called the 8flash-box10 is used on the regular stage47 ,colored fires may be produced by following these directions3 ,,green4 ,nitrate of ,barytes #fb-a_/b parts4 ,sulphur #aj-a_/b parts4 ,potash #bc-a_/b parts4 ,orpiment #a-a_/b parts4 ,charcoal #a-a_/b parts4 ,,red4 ,strontia #h ounces4 ,potash #d ounces4 ,shellac #b ounces4 ,licopodium #a_/d ounce4 ,,blue4 ,nitre #h ounces4 ,sulphur #c ounces4 ,charcoal #a_/b ounce4 ,antimony #a ounce4 ,these fires when used should be spread either upon a tin pan1 or an ordinary fire shovel1 and ignited by means of a piece of cotton cord soaked in oil1 and forming a quick match4 ,when lit1 it should be raised above the head1 and will cast a brilliant tinge upon every object4 ,a pail of water should1 however1 be handy1 so that immediately after using it can be plunged into it1 as the stench from the cinders is by no means pleasant4 ,the above recipes will furnish enough fire for several performances1 and if the trouble of making must be disposed of1 they can be bought in tins at all first-class drug-stores1 or places where fireworks are sold4 ,to represent breaking glass1 rattle broken crockery in a closed basket2 breaking wood1 place a few laths over a couple of bricks1 lay a heavy book upon them1 and strike the volume with force enough to smash the laths4 ,to imitate the sighing of the wind1 draw a piece of silk--an old dress1 for instance--over the rough edge of a pine board1 or make a wheel1 after the manner in which boys make water-wheels1 and turn this1 with the silk hanging over it--the effect will be found good4 ,,dress4 ,in dressing the characters1 care should be taken to do it neatly and securely1 for to lose a portion of a costume1 often turns the most serious scene to ridicule2 and besides1 a drawing-room audience is one of the most critical4 ,ladies with light1 airy dresses should not go too near to the footlights1 and those with long trains should be careful of the manner in which they are swung around4 ,the gentlemen must not forget to remove their hats when entering a parlor scene1 unless the business of the play requires otherwise2 and on the other hand1 care should be taken to wear them in exteriors1 unless1 as before1 there should be some reason4 ,in making up the costumes1 glazed muslin of various colors will be found quite effective and extremely cheap1 and of this1 with a few spangles and cheap gilt braid1 very tasteful dresses may be made for ancient dramas1 ,mexicans1 ,gypsies1 fairies1 etc4 ,,making ,,up4 ,the great secret of the entire illusion is the art of making up properly4 ,for a ,mexican1 or a ,gipsy1 the face should be reddened with vermilion1 the eyebrows made heavy and extremely black1 heavy lines drawn under the lower lashes of each eye1 a line should be placed between the two brows1 and a rigid one from the corners of the lips4 ,a wig with short hair in front1 and long1 flowing locks behind1 completes the make-up4 ,for old age1 whiten the face with drop chalk1 draw the 8crow's feet0 around the eyes and mouth with a camel's hair pencil and ,india ink1 wrinkle the brow1 and placing the pencil in the furrows1 draw them from temple to temple4 ,the eyebrows should be chalked1 and the upper eyelids reddened considerably1 although1 be governed in all cases by the nearness of your audience and the brightness of the lights4 ,if a white or gray wig is not to be gotten1 chalk the hair in lieu1 taking care to wash it thoroughly after the performance4 ,for grief1 the make-up is much the same as the former1 with the cheeks sunken by a slight application of burnt cork4 ,mustaches and beards may be made of crape hair1 to be bought of any wig maker1 and stuck on by an application of pulverized gum-arabic2 or1 on the other hand1 they may be deftly drawn before a glass1 by a camel's hair pencil and a piece of ,india ink4 ,negroes should be made up with burnt cork and glycerine1 taking care to draw out the lips and eyes before filling in4 ,to make what is termed a 8pug nose10 blacken the sides1 which gives the appearance of an enlarged nostril and a decided upward turn4 ,to show the loss of teeth cover them with black wax1 and from the auditorium they will appear missing4 ,to enlarge the nose1 or flatten the cheeks1 gum on pieces of cotton batting1 and redden with vermilion4 ,in making up nicely1 do not whiten the face too much1 and blend the colors neatly from the eyes to the cheeks by means of a hare's foot1 or a 8chalk rag40 ,the true and legitimate way of making up is to study character1 that is1 seek out a person like whom you wish to make up1 mark down the wrinkles1 etc41 and then spend a short time before your glass practicing until you are perfect4 ,this will prove the surest and the truest teacher4 ,,expression4 ,expression of the face1 form and voice is the main point in acting4 ,the former two may easily be acquired1 but the latter will be utterly ruined if the student places himself under the tutorship of an elocutionist4 ,they teach a drawly1 too-perfect1 sound of every vowel1 which is both harsh and unnatural1 and above all1 the student is as apt to copy their faults as their perfections4 ,seek to imitate no one--be something original--create the parts you play6 ,in expressing grief1 the head is bent down1 the eyes partially closed1 the mouth slightly open1 the corners tightly drawn down1 the left hand is pressed upon the heart1 and the right clenched at the side4 ,fear bends the body forward slightly1 the wide open hands are held up before the face1 which is half averted1 the eyes turned to the object of terror4 ,the lower jaw is dropped1 the eyes wide open1 showing the ball to its fullest extent4 ,love parts the lips1 makes the breathing irregular1 the eyes gaze fondly at the object of affection1 but drop confusedly before hers4 ,a smile wreaths the lips1 and the whole demeanor is gentle and tender4 ,hate protrudes the head1 draws rigid the cords of the neck1 shows the eye-balls to their fullest extent1 the lower lip is dropped1 showing the tightly-set teeth1 the eyebrows knit with a heavy scowl1 and the hands1 hanging by the sides1 open and close with a convulsive movement1 as if longing to grip the object of hatred4 ,jealousy is hate subdued and less forcible1 with a nervous twitching of the lips4 ,pity clasps the hands1 closes the lips in a half pout1 drops the head slightly to the left1 and gazes longingly from beneath the brows4 ,joy opens the lips1 radiates the face with a smile1 widens the eyes1 and extends the hands eagerly4 ,passion contracts the brows1 dilates the nostrils1 draws the lips tightly together1 and flushes the face4 ,some practice will be needed before the rise and fall of color can be completely mastered1 however4 ,the body in this emotion is drawn fully up1 and towers over the object of its rage1 while the hands1 as in hate1 open and close with a convulsive grip4 ,hope is like love1 but subdued4 ,,stage ,,falls4 ,one of the most artistic and catching points with an audience1 is that of falling properly4 ,do not rise upon your toes when falling1 but keep the feet tightly together1 let the body drop over to the left side1 throw up the arms1 put back the head1 and break the fall with the palms of the hands4 ,do not put out the knee to break it as it ruins the effect of the fall1 and is apt to cause injury1 if not a lifetime lameness1 by maiming the knee-cap4 ,i would not advise the young student to try a back fall1 for few actors in a life-long practice can master the art of breaking the fall upon the shoulder blades4 ,fall well1 fall heavily1 and as the late ,barney ,williams used to say3 8,brace up1 my boy1 and let her rip40 ,,casting ,,the ,,characters4 ,this1 perhaps1 is one of the hardest tasks in an amateur organization1 but the company must possess1 as in a legitimate theater1 its leading man1 leading lady1 walking gent1 walking lady1 responsible man1 utility soubrette1 to whom belongs the female comedy parts1 7the soubrette is often called the 8chamber-maid10 as her parts usually are of that sort71 low comedian1 juvenile man1 juvenile lady1 etc41 and to these the stage manager should assign the parts coming in their line only4 ,order should be strictly enforced4 ,allow no grumbling for better parts--make it a thorough business organization4 ,in this way only can a creditable performance be brought about4 ,you may1 if you choose1 give a dance after the performance1 and send your audience home well pleased with the night's entertainment4 ,with strict adherence to the things set down in this work1 ,i have no doubt but that from the latent talent in private circles1 may yet spring up actors and actresses who shall be a credit to that mimic world1 that mirror of nature--the stage4 ,,how ,,to ,,make ,a ,,scene ,,plot4 ,in explanation of the terms hereinafter used1 it will be necessary to inform the student of their uses4 8,cleets0 are little niches put on walls1 etc41 to facilitate climbing4 ,a 8brace0 is a long wooden implement having a hook on one end and a circular hole at the other4 ,these are used to sustain the vases in my lady's garden1 or to steady the rocks in the mountain haunt of the bloodthirsty robber who dares to defy the law4 ,the 8,traveler0 is a truck of wood and iron1 elevated some distance above the borders1 and works in a grooved receiver4 ,by this means1 and the aid of stout wires1 fairies and demons are enabled to flit hurriedly through the air from side to side1 and the stout tree the wood-man fells1 to fall gracefully and naturally to the earth4 8,the grooves0 receive the flats and wings1 and are all numbered1 so that when your plot calls for a scene in #a1 the stage carpenter at once knows that you mean one down by the footlights1 which will enable them to set the one behind ready to draw off at the proper cue4 ,the entrances between these grooves are all numbered as ,r4 #a ,e41 ,r4 #b ,e41 ,r4 ,u4 ,e41 etc41 which means ,right first entrance1 ,right second entrance1 and ,right upper entrance2 if left remove the 8,r0 and place 8,l0 in its place4 ,d4 ,f4 means door in flat4 ,prac4 means practicable--that which is used like a door or window4 ,if we wish a house on the right side we simply put1 set house ,r42 if a bridge for characters to cross from ,r to ,l and come down on stage ,l41 you should write3 8,steps and platform ,r4 ,u4 ,e4 xing 7crossing7 to ,l4 ,u4 ,e4 and masked in by bridge with return ,l4 masked in40 8,the ,tormentors0 are the first wings near the proscenium1 and are usually painted to represent pillars of marble draped with heavy curtains4 ,they are furnished with a swinging piece1 which may shut off all view of the stage from the actors in the wings1 and thus derive their name4 ,after this explanation1 ,i think ,i may venture to give a diagram of a scene plot4 ,and so on each act is marked4 ,where there are no sets1 place a mark as in diagram on page following1 thus ----4 ---------------------------------------- --------------- 8,,black ,,slayer40 ,scene ,plot4 ,,act ,,first4 ---------------------------------------- ----------- ,,scene ,,description4 ,,grooves4 ---------------------------------------- ---------- #a4 ,landscape4 ,flats in #d4 ,set house with prac4 door ,r4 ,steps and platform ,l4 ,u4 ,e4 xing to ,r4 ,u4 ,e4 ,masked in by bridge ,return ,r4 masked in #b4 ,kitchen ---- #a4 #c4 ,wood ,set tree ,c4 #c4 ,rock with platform and steps ,l4 #b4 ,e4 #d4 ,chamber ---- #a4 #e4 ,wood ,set tree ,c4 to #d4 fall at cue4 ---------------------------------------- ---------- ,,how ,,to ,,make ,a ,,property-,,plot4 ,making out a property plot is much the same as making a scene plot4 ,the number of each act and scene is placed upon it1 as well as the aids props1 and the relative positions of larger ones1 as follows3 ---------------------------------------- --------- 8,,black ,,slayer40 ,,props4 ---------------------------------------- -------- ,,scene4 ,,act ,,first4 ---------------------------------------- -------- #a4 ,purse for ,ronaldo4 ,flagon and cups in set house ,r4 ,bank ,l4 covered with buffalo skin4 #b4 ,knife for ,lady ,eva4 #c4 ,written will for ,leah1 blank one1 to burn1 for ,rupert4 ,red fire4 ,,curtain4 ---------------------------------------- -------- ,the end of each act is marked by the word 8curtain10 but nothing at the end of the scene4 ,the property man fashions everything1 from a toothpick to an elephant4 ,if the heavy villain is to throw himself carelessly upon a couch of skins1 it is the property man's duty to see that it is there4 ,again1 should the guards of my lord1 the duke1 close around him1 and protect him from the onslaught of the ruffians who are attacking him1 the property man fashions the spears they use1 and to him should they be returned at the end of the play4 ,,choosing ,,plays4 ,in choosing plays1 do not at first take those which call for extensive stage setting and strong acting2 rather let your first efforts be confined to those of a lighter character2 say1 for instance1 farces1 commediettas and one-act dramas4 ,a pretty little play for home performances1 and one that can be done without scenery1 is ,simpson's 8,dreams of ,delusion40 ,i might also suggest such farces as 8,turn ,him ,out10 8,my ,turn ,next10 and 8,should ,this ,meet the ,eye40 ,,duties ,,of ,,the ,,prompter4 ,the prompter holds the book or ,,mss4 during the performance1 and at every rehearsal1 following the actors in their lines1 explaining the business to them1 and whistling for the change of scene4 ,when alone1 his duty is to make out the scene and property plot1 but when he has an assistant1 it is ,,the ,,duty ,,of ,,the ,,call-,,boy4 ,the call-boy acquaints the characters of the drama of the approach of the time when they must appear upon the stage1 and furnishes them with 8side-props10 or properties used in the drama1 and not found upon the stage4 ,such things as rings1 vials1 daggers1 notes1 and side props1 as they are carried on4 ,half an hour before the time for ringing up the curtain1 the call-boy descends to the dressing-rooms and shouts3 8,half-hour60 ,at a quarter of eight he again descends and announces3 8,fifteen minutes60 ,ten minutes after he makes the first call1 which for 8,romeo and ,juliet0 would be3 8,no4 #a3 8,sampson1 ,gregory1 ,abram1 ,balthasar1 ,benvolio1 ,tybalt1 ,montague1 ,capulet1 ,supers1 etc4 ,first act2 everybody up to begin60 ,thus is the call-boy's plot made out1 and opposite each name is placed the properties used by that person4 ,at the final rehearsal all these properties are used1 and the calls made just as at night4 ,in making out a call-boy's plot make as follows3 ,if there be but one call during each act1 place the word 8act0 after call2 if for one scene1 the word 8scene20 if the person called makes an exit and reappears1 put 8twice0 after his name1 thus3 ---------------------------------------- ------ ,,call4 ,,first ,,act4 ,,props4 ,,time4 ---------------------------------------- ------ ,no4 #a ,count ,rolando ,knife ,act4 8 ,lady ,maude ,will #b;d4 8 ,supers ,loaded ,gun ,act4 8 ,marian ,pistol ,scene4 8 ,juan ---- #b;d4 8 ,henry ,purse 8 8 ,claude ,purse ,act4 8 ,harold ,written ,letter 8 ---------------------------------------- ------ 8,,just ,,from ,,home40 ,a ,lively ,negro ,sketch1 suitable for ,parlor ,representation4 ,,by ,,mart ,w4 ,,hanley4 ,,characters4 ,,mr4 ,,skidmore4 ,,mrs4 ,,skidmore4 ,,billy ,,buttercup4 ,,scene4--,ordinary room4 ,table1 chairs1 lounges1 etc4 ,curtain rises1 disclosing ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,skidmore at table4 ,mr4 ,s41 reading1 ,mrs4 ,s41 sewing4 ,mr4 ,s4 7,puts down the book47 ,so1 ,mattie1 we have been married a whole week6 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,yes1 ,george4 ,mr4 ,s4 ,are not you perfectly contented1 darling1 with your new life8 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,yes1 ,george1 but--,sighs4 ,mr4 ,s4 ,what1 ,mattie8 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,i sort of miss my old home1 and ,i sigh for the green fields and the sparkling brook1 and the old watch dog1 and the cattle--there was my dear old cow1 ,ella1 who was---- ,mr4 ,s4 ,stuff6 ,your dear old cow1 ,ella6 ,mattie1 you are in the city now1 folks will laugh at you if you talk about such things4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,i don't care if they do4 ,how ,i would love to see somebody 8just from home10 who could tell me all the news4 ,oh1 ,i love the old country village1 even if it isn't as fine as this great city1 or---- ,knock at the door4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,who's there8 ,billy4 7,outside47 ,me4 ,mr4 ,s4 ,deuced definite4 ,who's me8 ,billy4 7,outside47 ,billy ,buttercup4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,billy ,buttercup6 ,why1 he is the negro who works at the hotel at our village6 ,flies to door and opens it4 ,come right in4 ,enter ,billy4 ,makes a low bow4 ,billy4 ,is dis yere de place whar ,mr4 ,skidmore lives8 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,don't you know me1 ,billy8 ,billy4 ,well1 ,i swar6 ,youse kin strike me wid a cannon ball if dis ain't ,mattie ,clamjuice6 ,mr4 ,s4 ,mrs4 ,skidmore1 sir4 ,billy4 ,sure 'nuff4 ,i done forgot1 ,mattie1 dat you had married dat old ,turk yonder4 ,gracious1 ,mattie1 you am looking as putty as a sunflower4 ,getting hitched seems to agree wid youse1 chile4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,oh1 ,billy1 ,i'm so glad to see you4 ,billy4 ,de mutuality ob de gladness am mutual4 ,you see1 ,i've come just from home4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,just from home8 then you know all of the news8 ,billy4 ,ebery bit1 but---- ,mrs4 ,s4 ,well1 what1 ,billy8 ,billy4 ,you see ,i is in training for a yacht race1 an' my trainer says dat ,i must hab a ham-sandwich at eight o'clock ebery night1 or---- ,mrs4 ,s4 ,go on1 ,billy4 ,billy4 ,it's crowding onto eight1 now4 ,tumble8 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,what8 ,billy4 ,has the sandwich snap struck you yet8 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,oh1 you would like a sandwich8 ,billy4 ,i could make love to one beautifully4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,you shall have two1 ,billy1 if you want them4 ,billy4 ,well1 make it three2 three's company2 two ain't4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,certainly4 ,george6 ,mr4 ,s4 ,well1 my dear4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,just go down into the kitchen1 will you1 and make some sandwiches for this gentleman4 ,mr4 ,s4 ,i like that1 ,i must say4 ,me make sandwiches for a negro4 ,why don't he buy his own sandwiches8 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,that'll do1 ,george2 remember he is just from home4 ,billy4 ,yes1 ,george1 remember that4 ,and don't be afraid of the mustard4 ,and ,i say1 ,george1 cut the bread fleshy4 ,mr4 ,s4 ,sir1 you are insolent6 ,billy4 ,i am not4 ,i am a ,south ,african ,pasha6 ,mr4 ,s4 ,confound that negro6 ,exit ,r4 #a ,e4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,now1 ,billy1 he's gone1 we can have a nice talk4 ,how is my father8 ,billy4 ,bully4 ,both take seats on lounge4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,did he send a message to me8 ,billy4 ,oh1 yes4 ,said he wanted five dollars1 and sent you his love4 ,nice old man1 your father2 folks all like him2 going to light up the town when he dies4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,and brother ,willy8 ,billy4 ,he's got a new boarding-house4 ,free clothes1 free meals1 don't charge a cent for your room1 cuts your hair in the bargain4 ,he stole a ham2 judge said thirty days2 couldn't make it less4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,poor ,willy6 ,but how is sister ,sue8 ,billy4 ,youse didn't hear about yer sistah ,sue8 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,why1 no4 ,billy4 ,oh1 big news6 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,oh1 tell me6 ,she isn't dead8 ,billy4 ,next to it4 ,married1 and got eleven children4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,impossible6 ,billy4 ,no1 it ain't4 ,she scooped in a widower2 children already made4 ,dey're coming down to eat you out ob de house pretty soon4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,i do declare4 ,how are all the rest of the folks8 ,billy4 ,you know ,squire ,jawbone8 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,oh1 yes4 ,billy4 ,he's gone to join the band4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,what band8 ,billy4 ,de ole man's skipped de golden gutter4 ,he's passed in his checks1 an' got off de cars4 ,he is dead6 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,squire ,jawbone dead6 ,billy4 ,you'd think so1 if you saw the undertaker's bill4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,how did it happen8 ,billy4 ,he put some water in his whisky4 ,never had done it before1 broke up his constitution4 ,de jury said dat he died ob internal drounding4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,how awful6 ,billy4 ,youse kin gamble high dat it was4 ,allus take youse whisky straight4 ,den youse know little ,edwardo ,pancake1 his father works in a laundry1 blowing dirt off of collars8 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,know him well4 ,billy4 ,he's in de hospital4 ,all three of his arms broke off1 backbone knocked clear up into his mouth1 and he can't chew4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,you don't say1 ,billy8 ,billy4 ,yes1 ,i do4 ,i wouldn't tell a lie for less than a dollar4 ,poor ,edwardo's all broke up4 ,they've got him gummed together with mucilage1 and it makes him awful stuck up1 won't notice anybody4 ,but he's in a bad way4 ,his little sister came in and called him a liar yesterday1 and he only had animation enough to kick one of her teeth out4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,how did it happen1 ,billy8 ,what hurt him8 ,billy4 ,youse see1 he borrowed de meat-knife to clean his nails with4 ,he soon got tired ob dat1 an' thought dat he would carve his monogram on de stern ob his father's mule4 ,he tried it6 ,de mule braced right up--whoosh6--bang6--,edwardo lived in ,boston1 an' dey picked him up in ,new ,orleans4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,too bad4 ,how is the cow1 ,billy8 ,billy4 ,what1 de ole cow dat you an' me used to ride bareback on8 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,that's the one4 ,billy4 ,ki1 didn't we have fun8 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,lots4 ,billy4 ',member how ,i used to grab hold ob her tail an' try fo' to steer her8 ,golly1 dat was fun4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,you and ,i used to be great friends4 ,billy4 ,yes1 indeedy4 ,i'd neber steal a piece ob sponge-cake widout ,i'd lay it on you2 we used to slide up hill togedder1 play rock on a duck1 shinny on you own side1 let her fly1 an' all de other games4 ,tell you what1 youse folks were powerful disappointed1 cos ,i wouldn't hab youse4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,why1 ,billy6 ,billy4 ,dat's so4 ,but say1 ,mattie1 how much did de chance cost8 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,what chance8 ,billy4 ,de chance at de raffle1 dat you drew de riddle dat's gone out to juggle wid de sandwiches6 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,don't speak of him that way1 ,billy4 ,he's a good husband4 ,billy4 ,i know it4 ,one ob de kind dat come done up in bunches--ten cents a bunch4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,but maybe ,i might have married better4 ,billy4 ,ob course2 me1 for example4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,nonsense--now there was ,captain ,charley4 ,billy4 ,i remember him4 ,used to wear his nose in joints1 and had his hair cracked in the middle4 ,nice gemmen4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,he was that1 ,billy4 ,i should like to see him again4 ,billy4 ,so would the boss ob de hash-house where he boarded4 ,captain skipped1 and nebber paid a cent4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,but he loved me1 ,billy4 ,billy4 ,ob course--it's catching4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,and he would come and sit on the sofa by me1 same as we are sitting4 ,billy4 7,aside47 ,oh1 yum6 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,he would draw closer to me4 ,billy4 7,drawing closer to her4 ,aside47 ,you little rascal4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,he would reach my side4 ,billy4 7,sitting by her47 ,ain't youse awful4 ,go way dah1 or ,i'll hit youse wif a suspender4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,he would pass his arm around my waist4 ,billy4 7,passing arm around her waist47 ,what do yer say8 ,i should blush if anybody should see me4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,and he would---- ,billy4 ,would what8 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,kiss me4 ,billy kisses her4 ,she springs up in surprise4 ,enter ,mr4 ,s4 ,r4 #a ,e4--,throws sandwiches at ,billy4 ,mr4 ,s4 ,aha1 villain6 you have kissed my wife4 ,your blood be on your head6 ,billy4 ,no1 my hat4 ,i guess it is about time for me to dust4 ,mr4 ,s4 ,you will never leave this place alive4 ,seizes ,billy by the collar2 lively melee ensues4 ,finally ,mr4 ,s4 gets ,billy on the floor1 and draws a big pistol4 ,mr4 ,s4 ,scoundrelly wretch--die6 ,mrs4 ,s4 rushes forward and knocks up the pistol4 ,mrs4 ,s4 ,spare him1 ,george3 for he's---- ,billy4 ,just from home6 ,tableau4 ,flats close in4 ,,curtain4 ,,hans ,,bummelstine ,,on ,,love4 ,a ,burlesque ,german ,stump ,speech4 ,,by ,,larry ,,tooley4 ,mine ,frendts3--,at the earnest solicidation of several frendts of mine1 now in states brison1 ,i have succeeded in getting permission to afflict you mid dis lecdure4 ,dis lecdure vos written while ,i was demporarily insane1 and consequently everyding indo it vos displeasing4 ,the subject which ,i haf chosen is ,lofe4 ,as the poet says1 8,lofe--lofe6 oh1 vot vos lofe80 ,id is a conundrum4 ,my exberience of lofe--my brudder vos engaged seventeen dimes--deaches me dat it vos someding in dis style4 ,before you vos spliced your girl throws pop-corn balls at you1 and calls you 8,daisy40 ,after you vos spliced she does the same ding2 except dat she uses stones und flad-irons instead of pop-corn balls1 und calls you 8,devil40 ,but lofe vos nice4 ,oh1 yes1 vot can be nicer than to dake your girl oud for a ride in a piano truck and visper tales of agony amongst her back hair4 ,und den you dell her dat she lofes some other feller better than she does yourself1 and haf her tell you dat yot vos a liar4 ,oh1 dat vos bully4 ,courting1 dough1 dat is the best dime of a young man's life4 ,dot vos de period ven he puts herosene oil mit his hair1 gets his collar vhite-vashed1 ties his father's suspender around his neck for a gravat1 und polishes up his rubber boots mit stove-placking4 ,den he goes out to mash his girl4 ,she has been leaning out of the garret vinder vatching for him for most of the afternoon1 but as soon as she sees him come around the corner she goes down to the door1 is much surprised to see him1 und gifs him liquorice to de effect dat she didn't expect him for the next six weeks1 und vos shust coming oud to see dat somebody didn't sdeal the sdoop4 ,then you go into the parlor und dake a seat on the mantel piece1 und you ax her vos her fader sick1 vhether her mother had the group yet1 how long before her brudder vould come off the island1 und so forth4 ,den you carelessly insert your hand into your pocked und ask her does she like rock candy4 ,she smiles und says yes4 ,den you dell her you know vhere there vos a store vhere dey keep pully rock candy1 und den you pull avay your hand from oud of your pockeds mit a cigar in it1 und light it4 ,she don't see the joke und gets mad und goes avay to the other end of the beer saloon1 vhile you dink vot a funny cuss you vos4 ,by-und-by she says dat she expegts other company2 dat dere vos a young man who vos rich und owned two chicken-houses in ,hobogen vos coming to see her1 und dat if dere vos anybody dat vanted to see you1 you had petter not keep dem waiting4 ,den you get mad4 ,you dell her dat dere vos sixdeen young ladies dat vos dying because you von't speak mit dem1 und dat you von't come into her old house again if it vos to be struck mit thunder4 ,after dat you get up und valk like a funeral towards the door4 ,dat fetches her4 ,she casts a glance at you und asks vhere you vos going1 und you rebly dat you vos going to drown yourself1 or else go 'round und pick up anodder mash4 ,she looks sad und remarks oud of the vinder dat you don't lofe her1 but vos only playing her for a flat4 ,you say it vos a lie1 und say dat you lofe her so much dat you could pawn her vooden sleeves-buttons to buy yourself a ,christmas present mit4 ,den she gets up und flies to your arms1 und by-und-by you take her around the corner and hang up the ,italian for one plate of cream mit two spoons4 ,ah1 dat vos de panorama of lofe4 ,let me say1 my fellow drunkard1 dat a veller who marries a girl for her money is a scoundhrel1 ,i vould villingly be a scoundhrel mineself1 did opportunity permit4 ,a man should lofe a girl for herself not for her relations1 und if she was born an orphan or her parents vos avay at her birth1 so much the better4 ,den when summer time comes he von't haf to cart his vife1 und her sister1 und her mother1 und her bruther dat vos out of vork1 to the country1 und haf the pleasure of paying all the bills4 ,lofe it vos a funny ting4 ,lofe vas vot makes a young man of ,america git six dollars a veek und spend seven of it in buying collars4 ,lofe is vot makes him feel dat his face vos never clean1 dat his pants vas busted behind und dat his feet are the size of tea chests4 ,lofe is vot makes him clean his teeth mit the shoe-brush twelve dimes a day1 und wear a coffe-rose mit his button-hole every dime dat he passes his sweedheart's door4 ,but de vorst of lofe is ven id turns oud der best4 ,dat ish to say1 ven you ged married4 ,it vas nice to be a fader1 some grazyman remarked1 but ,i don'd see id4 ,maybe it vos peyewtiful to dake de smallest kid up mit your arms1 und haf him tickle you under de chin as innocent as a fall sheep1 und den1 five minutes lader1 draw picters all over your new glean shird mit de gravy-spoon4 ,some folks may like dat1 but as for me1 ,i pass id every dime4 ,but ven de children ingrease1 two or dree at a dime1 den de picnic begins4 ,how nice id vos to ged up in de nighd mit de dwins1 und valk aroundt de plock mit dem1 in your nighd shird1 to keeb dem from keebing avake4 ,dat is vot makes murderers oud of men4 ,but ,i dink dat ,i must conglude4 ,i am a married man1 und--vell1 my vife keebs de nighd-key1 ,i might lose id1 und--vell1 however1 those of you who are married men1 know how id vos yourselves1 don'd id8 ,thanking you all for the very kind vay in vich you haf been baying attention to someding else during my remarks1 ,i conglude1 hoping to come before you mit a new lecture before long4 ,a ,,practical ,,joke4 ,an ,amusing ,negro ,farce4 ,,by ,,billy ,,barry4 ,performed by him at ,tony ,pastor's1 ,new ,york4 ,,characters3 ,,stumpy ,,vanderbilt4 ,,alonzo ,,stetson4 ,,augustus ,,astor4 ,,alphonso ,,leland4 ,,scene4--,a street4 ,enter all of the characters1 arm in arm1 ,r4 #b4 ,e41 all singing4 8,the club had a meeting to-night1 love6 ,of business we had a great sight1 love6 ,don't think for a moment ,i'm tight1 love6 ,i've only been down to the club60 ,stumpy4 ,see here1 ,alonzo4 ,alon4 ,shout away4 ,stumpy4 ,don't you play that on me again4 ,alon4 ,play what8 ,stumpy4 ,french brandy1 twenty-five cents a glass4 ,do you take me for the mint8 ,alon4 ,you said to take what ,i wanted4 ,stumpy4 ,spozen you wanted the whole saloon1 would you took that8 ,hereafter1 when you drink with me--lager1 five cents4 ,alon4 ,all right4 ,laughs as if a thought had just struck him4 ,see here1 ,augustus1 ,i want to see you privately a minute4 ,gentlemen1 excuse us4 ,stumpy and ,alph4 ,oh1 certainly6 ,alonzo takes ,augustus to one side of stage4 ,stumpy and ,alphonso engage in conversation inaudibly at back4 ,alon4 ,you know ,charlie ,gilsey1 ,augustus8 ,aug4 ,charlie ,gilsey1 that belongs to our club8 ,alon4 ,yes4 ,aug4 ,i know him well--he owes me a dollar4 ,alon4 ,well1 ,charlie went on a regular old hurrah1 the other night4 ,got blind drunk1 stole door-knobs and area gates1 and he got run in by the cops4 ,took him to the ,tombs to await his trial4 ,you see1 it was an awful disgrace4 ,charlie is one of the first families1 when all the rest are out of town1 and it drove him off of his center4 ,aug4 ,did what8 ,alon4 ,sent him lending out brains4 ,made him crazy4 ,aug4 ,poor fellow6 ,alon4 ,oh1 it was tough4 ,well1 you know the warden liked ,charlie2 used to grub him good4 ,no use1 ,charlie wouldn't eat anything4 ,just the other day he sent a waiter up with a tray of broiled chicken4 ,aug4 ,broiled chicken6 oh1 yum6 ,alon4 ,yes1 broiled chicken1 with grape sauce4 ,charlie ups and kicks the tray clean out of the waiter's hands4 ,then he went for the waiter1 hit him under the ear1 jumped on him1 and so on4 ,the waiter couldn't stand it4 ,what do you suppose he did8 ,aug4 ,what8 ,alon4 ,hit him1 so4 ,slaps ,augustus' face1 ,augustus staggers back4 ,alonzo cocks hat over his eyes1 and struts around stage4 ,alon4 ',nother fellow sold6 ,laughs4 ,aug4 ,bully joke6 ,alon4 ,yah--yah--yah6 ,you never tumbled4 ,aug4 ,i say1 does that skeleton of ,coney ,island know anything about this8 ,alon4 ,no4 ,aug4 ,then watch me slug him4 ,walks back and taps ,alphonso on the shoulder4 ,i'd like to see you for a moment1 ,alphonso2 excuse him1 ,stumpy4 ,stumpy4 ,oh1 yes1 tell him not to hurry back4 ,augustus and ,alphonso walk over to front of stage4 ,aug4 ,you know ,charlie ,gilsey8 ,alph4 ,well2 my mother washes for him4 ,aug4 ,the other night ,charlie went out on a corker4 ,got full of jig-water1 felt uproarious1 went around and stole a lot of front doors and two or three sidewalks4 ,by-and-by the police caught him1 locked him up in the ,tombs4 ,the disgrace drove ,charlie cranky4 ,alph4 ,cranky6 ,aug4 ,yes1 he went off of his caboose4 ,alph4 ,oh1 crazy4 ,aug4 ,crazy's the word4 ,now you know ,charlie saw the warden1 and the warden treated ,charlie kindly4 ,yesterday he sent a waiter up to ,charlie with an ,erie ,canal shad on a tray2 ,charlie up and kicked the tray out of the waiter's hand1 and then he began to abuse the waiter2 of course the waiter wouldn't stand that1 and what do you suppose that he done8 ,alph4 ,what8 ,aug4 ,biffed him--so6 ,hits ,alphonso a blow on the cheek4 ,biz of strutting around by ,augustus4 ,aug4 ,he bit like a fish4 ,i guess ,i've broke his jaw4 ,alph4 ,deuced nice story4 ,aug4 ,funny1 ain't it8 ,alph4 ,awful2 but say1 old fellow4 ,aug4 ,what8 ,alph4 ,has the ,east river ghost heard anything of this8 ,aug4 ,not a volume4 ,alph4 ,then view me paralyze him4 7,walks over to ,stumpy47 ,say1 ,stumpy1 ,i've got a funny story to tell you4 ,stumpy4 ,what about8 ,alph4 ,charlie ,gilsey4 ,you know ,charlie8 ,stumpy4 ,oh1 yes1 he's one of ,bricktop's pals4 ,alph4 ,well1 this is a bully story4 ,make you laugh till you cry4 ,stumpy4 ,all right1 ,i want to laugh4 ,spit her out4 ,alph4 ,you see ,charlie went on a jamboree the other night2 got full as a goat on corn rock and whisky4 ,he stole half a dozen hand-carts and a grocery store1 and the police collared him4 ,poor ,charlie was locked up in the ,tombs4 ,you know he was always awful sensitive4 ,stumpy4 ,oh1 awful6 ,you never had to call him a liar over six times before he would ask you what you meant4 ,alph4 ,well1 the disgrace of the thing muddled his brain box4 ,stumpy4 ,sorter give him the jim-jams in his head4 ,alph4 ,just so4 ,but the warden was a friend of his1 and tried to do all he could for him4 ,yesterday he sent a waiter up with a pickled ham on a tray for ,charlie4 ,charlie ups and kicks it off4 ,what do you suppose the waiter did8 ,stumpy4 ,eat the ham4 ,alph4 ,no2 he slugged ,charlie1 so4 7,hits ,stumpy4 ,same biz as before47 ,alph4 ,caught him again4 ,i must have broke his ear4 ,stumpy4 ,tell me some more2 real nice story4 ,alph4 ,grand joke1 ain't it8 ,stumpy4 ,immense2 but say1 ,hannah ,rothschild1 does that bald-headed child-killer over there know the racket8 ,alph4 ,no2 ,i've given it to you first4 ,stumpy4 ,oh1 ho6 ,strawberries and cream4 ,gaze upon me part his hair4 7,walks over to ,alonzo47 ,say1 old ,morgue1 ,i want to see you for five or six years4 ,alon4 ,what for8 ,stumpy4 ,you know ,charlie ,gilsey8 ,alon4 ,charlie ,gilsey1 the alderman's niece8 ,stumpy4 ,that's the cake4 ,alon4 ,oh1 ,i know him well4 ,stumpy4 ,i've got a tip-top joke to give you about him4 ,alon4 ,you don't say4 ,stumpy4 ,sure4 ,you see ,charlie got off on a screecher last week4 ,got crammed full of bottle-stuffing4 ,oh1 he got as drunk as a senator4 ,he went on a racket and stole a hotel and an elevated railroad and a freight car1 and some little things like that4 ,he got arrested4 ,judge made it two years4 ,it broke ,charlie's heart4 ,he wasn't used to getting more than six months at a time1 and he got rats in his garret4 ,alon4 ,did what8 ,stumpy4 ,went off his nut--crazy4 ,alon4 ,ah1 ,i see4 ,stumpy4 ,you see1 the warden was a friend of his1 and he tried to do all that he could for poor ,charlie4 ,bought a piano and a washing machine1 and furnished up his room elegantly4 ,didn't do any good4 ,charlie kept crazy4 ,yesterday the warden sent a waiter up with a tray containing a whole hog and some custard pie1 and stewed whale1 and some more little delicacies4 ,charlie up and kicked the waiter out of the tray's hand4 ,alon4 ,go 'way6 ,stumpy4 ,it's so4 ,but worse yet--,charlie went for the waiter4 ,alon4 ,went for the waiter8 ,stumpy4 ,terrible case4 ,hit him with the piano1 jumped on his nose--oh1 raised the devil4 ,and what do you suppose the waiter did in return8 ,alon4 ,struck him--so6 ,raps ,stumpy on the face and knocks him over4 ,all of the other characters go for ,stumpy and knock him around the stage4 ,flats close on general melee4 ,mc,f,l,y,n,n',s ,,appointment4 ,irish ,sketch in ,one ,scene4 ,,by ,,ward ,,wood4 ,,characters4 ,,bernard ,,mcflynn4 ,,landlord4 ,,ellen ,,mcflynn4 ,,policeman4 ,interior of kitchen furnished poorly4 ,stove ,c4 ,baby in cradle1 ,l4 ,wash tub1 ,l4 ,c4 ,table and chairs ,r4 ,ellen discovered at wash tub4 ,ellen4 ,bad luck to the day ,i ever left my home and married ,bernard ,mc,flynn2 sure he's not done a stitch of work for nine years1 and it's only by me scrubbing my hands off at this wash tub that we're able to live at all1 at all4 ,baby cries2 goes to cradle and rocks4 ,there--there1 that's a foine boy2 don't cry1 darling--that's the lad who will be an honor to me4 ,looks at baby4 ,sure and he's the image of ,john ,morrissey1 and who knows but that he'll be an ,alderman yet4 ,returns to tub4 ,sure and didn't ,mrs4 ,moriarity's son1 ,shamus1 get a position on the horse cars1 and he wasn't named after ,john ,morrissey either4 ,well1 as the blind man said3 8,we'll see what we'll see40 ,enter ,bernard ,mc,flynn1 ,c4 ,d4 ,takes off coat and hat1 hands them to ,ellen4 ,ber4 ,mrs4 ,elenore ,mc,flynn1 would you be so precipitate as to remove this ulster and get me my dressing-gown and slippers2 ,i have business to attend to4 ,ellen4 ,sure and ,i think it's time you had2 it's been nine years since you did attend to any4 ,ber4 ,aisy now1 ,mrs4 ,mc,flynn1 the business ,i have to attend to is of a political nature4 ,ellen4 ,oh1 ho6 ,ber4 7,sits at table47 ,get me my writing imperials1 the business is of importance1 and must be attended to immediately1 if not sooner4 ,ellen4 7,gets pen1 ink and paper47 ,sure1 and is it reading writing you are going to do8 ,ber4 7,biz of looking over a large pile of documents--calls ,ellen to him47 ,ellen1 come sit you down1 and ,i'll show you what position ,i hold in political affairs4 7,ellen sits1 ,bernard reads letter in a very pompous manner47 8,hon4 ,bernard ,mc,flynn--,sir1 in appreciation of your services in the late political struggle1 you have been unanimously appointed ,engineer of the ,morgue1 a position of trust and responsibility4 ,the duties attending the office are light1 the hours of attendance being from #e ,a4 ,m4 to #d ,a4 ,m4 ,report for duty at once4 ,respectfully1 ,claude ,mulligan1 secretary40 ,now1 ,ellen1 that's an easy position2 only an hour a day1 from #e to #d4 7,rises1 takes hat and coat47 ,well1 this business must be attended to at once 7starting off474 ,ellen4 7,calling him47 ,how long will you be gone1 ,bernard8 you know we have nothing to eat in the house1 and little ,johnny ,morrissey has grown hump-back from the want of food4 ,ber4 ,when ,i return from the ,city ,hall1 ,ellen1 we will hold an investigation as to the sanitary condition of the infant4 ,exit ,c4 ,l4 ,ellen4 7,comes down front47 ,sure and it's a nice job ,bernard has got1 begorra4 ,engineer of the ,morgue1 and only has to work an hour a day4 7,rearranges the table4 ,knock at door47 ,come in6 ,enter ,landlord4 ,land4 ,mrs4 ,mc,flynn1 this is the last time ,i will call on you for the rent2 ,i have been put off with promises once too often1 and if you don't pay up to-morrow you will have to leave4 ,ellen4 ,leave1 is it8 ,sure and it's that same thing we intend to do4 ,and it's not heard you have of the position ,bernard has got8 ,land4 ,position6 ,what position6 ,ellen4 ,sure and he has been elected ,engineer of the ,morgue by a large majority1 and we intend to leave your dirty hovel and move up on ,lexicon avenue in the morning4 ,now1 ,mr4 ,o',grady1 put that in your pipe and smoke it4 ,land4 ,perhaps you will and perhaps you won't4 ,engineer or no engineer1 he can't beat me4 ,ellen4 ,jumping up excitedly4 ,beat1 is it8 ,you want a beating8 ,well1 ,mr4 ,o',grady1 let me inform you that ,i can give you all the beating you want myself4 ,strikes at him4 ,biz ad lib4 ,throws loaf of bread at him4 ,o',grady dodges it and it hits ,bernard1 who is just entering ,c4 ,d4 ,ber4 ,tipsy4 ,and is this the way you amuse yourself during my absence8 ,do you think ,i have nothing to do but buy bread for you to be firing round in that way8 ,after a while you will be wanting plum pudding1 or poie to be playing base ball with8 ,what's all this row about1 anyhow8 ,staggers back and falls in the cradle4 ,baby cries4 ,ellen runs over to cradle and takes up baby4 ,ellen4 ,this dirty spalpeen came in here and insulted me4 ,ber4 ,jumps up--goes to ,o',grady4 ,insulted you8 insulted the wife of ,bernard ,mc,flynn1 ,engineer of the ,morgue6 ,takes off coat4 ,sit you down1 ,ellen4 ,i will attend to this matter myself4 ,fights with ,o',grady2 ,ellen joins in1 and they throw him out of the window2 ,bernard comes down1 sits at table1 and ,ellen prepares supper4 ,ber4 ,now1 ,ellen1 get me my supper1 and get me the black bottle from under the piano4 ,i'll have to make a speech to-night1 and ,i want my throat clear4 ,reads paper2 baby cries4 ,damn that baby6 ,ellen4 ,oh1 ,bernard1 sure and the baby can't help it2 don't be so cross1 and eat your supper1 that's a good man4 ,ber4 ,supper1 is it8 ,and what have you got for supper8 ,ellen4 ,well1 ,i've got some nice pork1 and---- ,ber4 7,excitedly47 ,ellen1 do you think ,i'm a sausage machine1 to be grinding up pork every day8 ,no1 ,mrs4 ,mc,flynn1 ,i'll not do it6 ,ellen4 ,well1 what would you like8 ,how would some canary bird eyes and pigeon milk suit you8 ,or would you rather have a bird of paradise on toast8 ,sits at table4 ,ber4 ,don't be so kleptomaniac in your remarks4 ,i'll have that bottle a little more on my side of the table4 ,ellen4 ,sure1 and it's my money that bought it1 and ,i'll keep it where it is4 ,ber4 ,ho1 ho6 ,you're standing on your high horse to-day4 ,i suppose before long you'll be wanting to celebrate your golden wedding1 or silver wedding1 and be bringing all your poor relations here to live on me4 ,ellen4 ,sure1 an' not one of my relations ever asked a thing of you1 and as to my celebrating my golden wedding1 or silver wedding1 or whatever you call it1 ,i celebrated my wooden wedding when ,i married a block head1 do you mind that now8 ,ber4 ,ellen1 if you cast any more of your conflections on me ,i'll brain you with this pitcher4 ,ellen4 7,jumps up47 ,well1 ,i guess not1 says ,timothy ,conner2 ,i'm boss of this house and ,i'll do as ,i like4 ,sure it was my political influence that got your position1 and ,i'll have you dismissed with impunity4 ,ber4 ,ellen1 the dignity of my position will not allow me to quarrel with a woman2 but if you say another word1 ,i'll knock you down with the stove4 ,ellen4 7,crying47 ,that's right2 go on--cry out so ,mrs4 ,mc,gillan and the folks on the top flure can hear you4 ,if my cousin ,terrence was here he---- ,ber4 7,jumps up1 overturns table1 etc47 ,terrence1 is it8 the mean1 dirty blackguard1 ,i'd---- ,ellen4 7,hits him with coffee pot47 ,take that1 and that4 ,clinch1 struggle1 fall over stove1 baby cries4 ,policeman rushes in1 they both turn on him1 and push him into cradle4 ,biz ad lib4 ,,curtain4 ,,original ,,irish ,,sketch4 ,,by ,,harry ,,and ,,john ,,kernell4 ,,characters4 ,,john ,,mcswegan 444 ,,harry ,,kernell4 ,,barney ,,crossin 444 ,,john ,,kernell4 ,street scene4 ,enter ,mc,swegan4 ,mc,swegan4 ,well1 ,i have just come into town to meet an old friend of mine from the same place in ,ireland as myself2 but he has risen in the world1 and keeps a lager beer brewery in ,koekuk1 ,iowa4 ,i don't see him1 so ,i will step down to ,mc,nally's saloon4 ,probably he will come along while ,i am gone4 ,exit4 ,enter ,crossin4 ,crossin4 ,i wonder where ,mc,swegan is8 ,he promised to meet me here4 ,as ,i was coming around the corner a little girl looked at me in the face1 and says3 8,there's ,general ,grant40 ,i looked around and says3 8,you lie1 sis10 but ,i don't think she seen the point4 ,another little fellow says3 8,stag the ,mick with the lantern jaw40 ,enter ,mc,swegan4 ,mc,s4 ,good-morning1 ,barney4 ,cros4 ,good-afternoon4 ,mc,s4 ,what kept you so quick8 ,cros4 ,i couldn't come any later4 ,mc,s4 ,have you had any trouble lately at your home8 ,cros4 ,yes1 we had a railroad accident4 ,mc,s4 ,i didn't hear anything about it4 ,what was it8 ,cros4 ,mary ,ann ,o',brien hung herself with her back hair4 ,mc,s4 ,how do you make that out a railroad accident8 ,cros4 ,why1 her death was caused by a misplaced switch4 ,mc,s4 ,it's a wonder they didn't put you up for a headlight4 ,cros4 ,if ,i had your mouth we might have used it for a tunnel4 ,mc,s4 ,well1 are you working now8 ,cros4 ,no2 ,i have not worked for three months4 ,mc,s4 ,i can get you a fine job4 ,cros4 ,what doing8 ,mc,s4 ,why1 a friend of mine wants to put you in an envelope2 he wants to send a valentine to a shoemaker4 ,cros4 ,say1 when you go home you want to eat all the salt you can get2 you are the freshest rooster ,i ever saw4 ,mc,s4 ,well1 if you don't like that job1 put molasses on your whiskers1 and hire yourself out for fly paper4 ,cros4 ,will you be doing anything to-morrow8 ,mc,s4 ,no1 ,i guess not4 ,why8 ,cros4 ,well1 ,i would like to have you come with me to a photograph gallery2 ,i want your picture4 ,mc,s4 ,what do you want with my picture8 ,cros4 ,i want to give it to the police4 ,i lost my monkey4 ,mc,s4 ,well1 if ,i thought there was a reward for you ,i would bring you home again4 ,cros4 ,did you hear the news8 ,mc,s4 ,no2 what is it8 ,cros4 ,it's all over town4 ,mc,s4 ,what8 ,cros4 ,mud4 ,mc,s4 ,that's a very good joke4 ,cros4 ,it is4 ,will you have a cigar8 ,mc,s4 ,i will4 ,cros4 ,then go buy one4 ,mc,s4 ,you are not smoking now1 are you8 ,cros4 ,no1 not at present4 ,mc,s4 ,i see the mud has covered them up4 ,cros4 ,see here1 do you know any conundrums8 ,mc,s4 ,i don't know what you mean4 ,cros4 ,i mean do you know anything ,i ought to give up8 ,mc,s4 ,you ought to give up them two dollars you owe me4 ,cros4 ,well1 ask me some conundrum4 ,mc,s4 ,all right4 ,which is the best way to make fish-balls without the fish8 ,cros4 ,why1 send the potatoes home ,c4 ,o4 ,d4 ,what looks most like the half moon8 ,mc,s4 ,why1 the other half4 ,cros4 ,why is the mosquito a good poker player8 ,mc,s4 ,because every time he draws he fills4 ,cros4 ,well1 what chance have ,i got8 ,ask me one4 ,mc,s4 ,all right4 ,which is the best way to keep a dog from going mad in ,august8 ,cros4 ,shoot him in ,july4 ,mc,s4 ,which is the best way to find a young lady out4 ,cros4 ,why1 go around to see her some day when she is not in4 ,mc,s4 ,well1 now ask me a hard one4 ,cros4 ,all right4 ,why are your two feet like an ,italian organ grinder8 ,mc,s4 ,i will give it up4 ,why are your two feet like an ,italian organ grinder8 ,because they carry a monkey around all day4 ,cros4 ,what makes a chicken go across the street8 ,because he wants to get on the other side4 ,why didn't you answer that1 you bum8 ,mc,s4 ,you didn't give me a chance4 ,cros4 ,how long can a jackass stand on one leg8 ,mc,s4 ,you get up and try it4 ,both exit4 ,,temperance4 ,a ,dutch ,declamation4 ,,by ,,gus ,,williams4 ,i haf been unvited dis evening1 fellow drunkards1 to speak to you on de subject of demperance1 by a large majority of demperance men who never drink--unless dey vos asked4 ,i didn't used to be a demperance man myself vonce4 ,i vos a hard case1 and used to go into a beer saloon1 rap against my umbrella mit de gounter1 und holler oud3 8,gif me a lemonade straight--mid no water40 ,but ,i haf seen de error of my vays4 ,von night ven ,i vas in a hodel1 swigging down cider und vichy1 and ,german seltzer1 und all of dose thoroughbred drinks1 und hafing lods of fun mit de gang1 a gentleman come ub to me4 ,he vos aboud half full1 und dere vos a tear as big as a balloon on de end of his nose as he caught me by de throat1 und whispered3 8,i vant to see you alone for aboud a veek40 ,i said 8all righd10 and he took me to one gorner of de room1 and said3 8,you vos a nice young man40 ,i dold him he vos kerrect1 dot vos vhat all de spielers said--dey said dot ,i vos too sweet to live4 8,it vos a shame10 he continued1 mit emotion und beer in his voice1 8to see you ruining of yourself mit lemonade and such shadows of strong drinks40 ,i said dot ,i guessed so too4 8,vell10 he remarked1 und he squeezed de punions on my hands1 8swear off6--drink only vhiskey and ,old ,tom gin40 ,i schwore4 ,from dis day to dot ,i haf been a changed man2 ,i never get sober ofer dree dimes a week--agate measure4 ,oh1 ,i give it to you straight1 my hearers1 demperance vos a great ding--for women and children4 ,i had a brudder vonce1 a goot1 nice1 six for a penny leedle poy4 ,he had hair like roasted cheese und a complexion like strawberries mit gream gakes4 ,ve all dought dat he vould grow ub to pe bresident of a pank1 skib avay to ,canada und end his days universally respected4 ,but he vos led astray4 ,he got in mit an alderman's son und a minister's daughter1 und dot ruined him4 ,he vos goaxed to drink4 ,fust vater mit orange peel1 den soda vater1 next veiss peer mit a glub in it1 after dot1 brandy4 ,ve dried to stop him in his vild career1 but it vos ,n4 ,g4--no use4 ,he vould come home newsbaber drunk efery night1 und addract a growd around the house mit his antics1 und dere vosn't a slate in the neighborhood dot didn't pear his autograph4 ,und where is he now8 ,i repeat it to blush4 ,he is a congressman1 und dey dalk of running him for bresident4 ,und his poor mother1 she is going to die of a broken heart shust as soon as she can find dime4 ,it vos a noble poet who remarked2 8,look de udder vay at de lager ven it vas vhite40 ,he vos righd4 ,alvays let de lager settle2 too much white und not enough red always spoils a schooner4 ,i am glad to say dot my demperance lectures haf not been mitout dere effect4 ,in von town vere ,i lectured dere vos only von liquor seller4 ,now dere is six6 ,it is such driumphs as dis vich haf made me vot ,i used to be2 de greatest terrible example of dem all4 ,de udder night at a social party1 ,i met a young man mit de bloom of youth--fifty cents a bottle--on his cheek4 ,he vos de drunkest man ,i efer saw2 in fact1 he vos so drunk dot he dook me for a gentleman1 and asked me vould ,i haf someding4 ,i said 8,no60--,i vas full already4 ,den ,i dook him around to a lamp-post on de next plock und gave him taffy like a step-father4 8,my friend10 ,i said1 8you haf a mother80 ,he replied dot dere vos a tradition to dot effect4 8,vell10 ,i recommenced1 8vot vould your mother gif to see you in this condition80 8,she vould gif six dousand dollars10 he sobbed4 8,vot1 to see you staggering80 8,yes1 she vos blind from her birth40 ,dot settled it--dot is to say1 it settled dot branch of de subject--but ,i vent for him on de demperance issue pald-headed4 ,he realized dot ,i vos not in fun1 and he signed de pledge never to use liquor1 except as a beverage1 until he died--or got married4 ,he has kept his word--it is aboud all he has to keep now--und is now employed by the city as a plumber for de bird houses in de ,central ,bark4 ,but von thing ,i must speak on before ,i gonclude4 ,it vos about de ladies4 ,it is hard to resist de demptation to drink2 not many haf de courage like ,i haf1 nefer to refuse4 ,but it is specially hard for a young man to refuse1 when a young and lovely lady presents a tomato-can full of ,pilsener and sweetly says3 8,take a bath1 ,george80 ,but ,i must end4 ,my fire-insurance policy runs out to-night1 und ,i wish to escape mit my life4 ,in conclusion let me say1 never drink1 young man1 never drink--alone6 ,o',,rielly',s ,,daughter ,,mary4 ,an ,irish ,family ,sketch4 ,,by ,,mart ,w4 ,,hanley4 ,,characters4 ,,bernard ,o',,rielly4 ,,denny ,,burns4 ,,bridget ,o',,rielly4 ,,mary ,,ann ,,rebecca ,o',,rielly4 ,,scene4--,ordinary tenement house room4 ,stove1 ,r4 ,table1 ,c4 ,chairs by table4 ,bureau1 ,l41 and cot4 ,curtain rises1 disclosing ,bridget combing her hair at bureau4 ,brid4 ,arrah1 siven o'clock4 ,shure1 it is time for ,mary to arrive4 ,but she's late to-night4 ,shure1 since she's been workin' in the playin' card factory it's too high-toned she has become to ride up town on the horse-car4 ,it is on the back balcony av a truck that she rowls along4 ,hark1 ,i guess that that is her footstep now4 ,listens4 ,door opens1 and ,mary enters1 carrying lunch-box4 ,sets it on table4 ,mary4 ,supper ready1 mother8 ,brid4 ,supper ready6 ,it is not hungry yez are afther the ilegant lunch that ,i put up for yez8 ,mary4 ,ah1 what are you giving us8 ,call that a nice lunch6 ,ham and crackers6 that's a sweet tuck-out for a hard working girl1 ain't it8 ,brid4 ,that'll do1 miss4 ,perhaps yez would like charlotty ruse and banana fritters wid egg sauce4 ,any girl that don't like ham and crackers is too fastidious to live4 ,mary4 ,well1 ,i don't care2 all the other girls have nice things to eat4 ,it gives you away to the gang to see me with such a curbstone banquet4 ,brid4 ,it gives me away to the gang1 does it1 ye hussy6 ,i'll give yez to comprehend that divil a cint do ,i care for the gang4 ,mary ,ann ,rebecca ,o',rielly1 sit right down on that chair and give your tongue a rest1 or ,i'll lather ye over the head wid the ironin' board4 ,mary4 7,sitting down47 ,all right4 ,but hurry up with supper1 mother4 ,brid4 ',pears to me you are in an awful hurry4 ,mary4 ,so ,i am4 ,i want to go to the ,hoolihan masquerade ball4 ,brid4 ,yez want to go to the ,hoolihan massacree ball8 ,divil a step do you stir there to-night4 ,no daughter av mine shall go to a massacree ball and dance wid five-cent barbers4 ,do yez want to be set down as a spieler8 ,mary4 ,but ,i want to go awful bad4 ,all the boys and girls are going to take it in4 ,brid4 ,yis2 an' the police will take thim in4 ,where is the ball to be held1 at the ,academy of ,sculpture8 ,mary4 ,no1 ma'am1 at ,wulhalla ,hall4 ,brid4 ,wulhalla ,hall8 ,that's a foine1 noice1 jinteel place for a young girl to go to4 ,who are ye goin' to go wid8 ,mary4 ,denny ,burns4 ,brid4 ,who8 ,mary4 ,denny ,burns4 ,brid4 ,niver6 ,do ye suppose that ,i would allow me daughter to go to a ball wid such a pill as he8 ,dinny ,burns is a foine young man---- ,mary4 ,of course he is2 he's a masher4 ,brid4 ,i'll mash his head if he comes foolin' around here4 ,a feller that wears a soup dish hat and a pickadilly collar1 and wears a bunch of asparagus in his button-hole4 ,begorra1 ,mary ,ann1 next yez will be asking me to allow yez to go down to ,coney ,island wid an alderman's son4 ,mary4 ,denny's a real nice boy4 ,brid4 ,ye are giving me taffy4 ,mary4 ,and he says that you are the freshest old daisy on this block4 ,brid4 ,and ye stood by and heard him insulting of yer mother widout kicking him over8 ,mary4 ,sure he meant it as a compliment4 ,brid4 ,oh1 he did1 did he8 ,mary4 ,yis1 and he said that he couldn't tell you from me widout a telescope4 ,he said that it was wonderful how you concealed your good looks4 ,brid4 ,well1 there's some good in the lad yet1 and---- ,enter ,bernard ,o',rielly at door4 ,ber4 ,bridget8 ,brid4 ,yis1 ,bernard4 ,ber4 ,take off me ulster1 and bring me me smokin' jacket4 ,takes off ragged coat and dons linen duster much worn1 which ,bridget brings him4 ,brid4 ,are yez hungry1 ould man8 ,ber4 ,hungry6 ,be ,heaven1 ,i could ate a plate ov mortar6 ,what have yez for supper8 ,brid4 ,corn beef and cabbage4 ,ber4 ,corn beef and cabbage4 ,brid4 ,yis4 ,ber4 ,woman1 you'll drive me mad4 ,corn beef and cabbage is nice food for a hard working man4 ,why don't yez have ice cream and pie8 ,brid4 ,where's the money to get it wid8 ,ber4 ,buy a lottery ticket1 me daisy4 ,bridget ,o',rielly1 if ,i come home to-morrow night and find corn beef and cabbage for supper ,i'll slaughter yez4 ,mary4 ,dad1 why don't you buy a new dicer8 ,ber4 ,do what8 ,mary4 ,strike a fresh kady4 ,ber4 ,mary ,ann1 ,i wasn't brought up in ,frinch4 ,did that horse car conductor that sint yez the boquet av peetoonias larn ye the articulation8 ,yez'll be settin' up a ,vienna ,bakery next4 ,mary4 ,oh1 you can't tumble for a cent4 ,why don't you get a new hat8 ,ber4 ,a new hat6 ,what's the matter wid this8 ,takes off a battered stovepipe4 ,i've only worn it seventeen years4 ,next yez will be axin me to purchase a pair av low-necked shoes1 and some giddy socks4 ,mary4 ,that hat looks as if it was called in4 ,get a gun and shoot it4 ,ber4 ,i'll get a cannon and stab you4 ,bridget1 is the corn beef and cabbage ripe8 ,brid4 ,shure it is4 ,come take your sates at the table4 ,bridget puts eatables on the table1 and all sit down4 ,bernard picks up a loaf of bread1 bites it1 and throws it at ,bridget4 ,brid4 ,bernard ,o',rielly1 are ye mad8 ,ber4 ,no1 ,i'm insane4 ,the next time ye buy bread1 ,bridget1 see that it isn't stuffed wid bricks4 ,i've left three of me teeth in the loaf4 ,brid4 ,shure1 it's good4 ,ber4 ,good for pavin the streets4 ,if the ,czar of ,rushia had had cannon balls as hard as that bread1 he'd a licked the bloody ,turks long ago4 ,brid4 ,thin ,i'll throw it away4 ,ber4 ,no1 yez won't4 ,save it1 and ,i'll kill a cat wid it4 ,pass me the butter4 ,mary4 ,the butter's strong enough to walk to ye4 ,ber4 ,no criticisms1 young leddy2 if the butter's good enough for yer ancistor1 it is good enough for yez4 ,what are ye all dressed up fur to-night8 ,mary4 ,i'm going to a ball4 ,ber4 ,what ball8 ,mary4 ,the ,hoolihan's masquerade ball4 ,ber4 ,yez ain't4 ,divil a one of the ,hoolihan's marquerade have got money enough to buy their own chewin' tobacco4 ,brid4 ,let the girl go4 ,ber4 ,niver2 she can go around to church1 and see them bury ,pat ,mc,ginness1 if she wants relaxation4 ,who was she goin' to the ball wid8 ,brid4 ,denny ,burns4 ,ber4 ,a young thafe that gets fifty cints a week playin' policy4 ,mary ,ann1 if ,i catch that hypothecation around this chateau1 ,i'll break his neek1 do you savvy8 ,mary4 ,then ,i can't go wid him8 ,ber4 ,no1 me leddy4 ,stay at home and read yez hymn-book1 so that yez will be able to sing1 8,hould me ,foat10 when the time comes for the torch-light picnics4 ,bridget1 take off this overdress of mine1 and bring me me spring overcoat4 ,brid4 ,shure1 we're using your spring coat for a tablecloth4 ,ber4 ,i suppose so4 ,and ,i've been carryin' the tablecloth around all day for a chest-protector4 ,but ,i must away4 ,brid4 ,where are yez goin'8 ,ber4 ,i have siven cints1 and ,i am goin' down to ,casey's to buy a dhrink4 ,if either of yez are out of the house whin ,i come back ,i'll kill yez both4 ,do yez moind8 ,exit ,bernard4 ,mary and ,bridget both get up from the table and advance front4 ,mary puts on her bonnet4 ,brid4 ,what are yez puttin' on your tra-la-la hat for8 ,mary4 ,to go to the ball with4 ,brid4 ,didn't yez hear your father tell yez to stay at home8 ,mary4 ,oh1 father's an ould stick-in-the-mud4 ,he can't boss me4 ,brid4 ,he'll paralyze every sinew in your body4 ,mary4 ,i ain't afraid4 ,if he tries any of his lugs on me ,denny will put a head on him4 ,da--da1 mother4 ,brid4 ,if yez get killed at the ball it ain't my fault4 ,mary4 ,all right4 ,over the sewer1 skip the gutter1 cross the river1 mother4 ,exit at door4 ,brid4 ,there she goes with her ,latin conversation4 ,bedad1 ,i guess ,i'll take a nap4 ,blows out candle on table4 ,stage darkens4 ,enter ,bernard at door4 ,ber4 ,eleven o'clock1 and ,bridget is asleep4 ,be the ,heavens1 ,i will wake her up2 too much repose is injurious to the system4 ,bridget--,bridget6 wake up1 or ,i'll kick your eyes open4 ,brid4 7,getting up from cot47 ,what's the matter8 ,where's the fire8 ,ber4 ,ye are slothful1 ,bridget ,o',rielly4 ,where is ,mary8 ,brid4 ,asleep4 ,aside4 ,may ,st4 ,peter pardhon me for the loie6 ,ber4 ,it is well4 ,if she had gone a-spielin' to the ,hoolihan masquerade ,i would have got a divorce from her4 ,mary4 7,outside47 ,i didn't try to mash the ,dutch cucumber-peddler1 ,denny4 ,ber4 ,bridget1 you have deceived me4 ,that is ,mary's voice4 ,brid4 ,i didn't mane to1 ,bernard1 but---- ,ber4 ,no buts2 be fastidious in your defense4 ,madam1 on to-morrow ,i may be in the prisoner's dock at the court-house4 ,den4 7,outside47 ,go 'way1 ,mary ,ann1 you know you was tryin' to shake me all the while4 ,mary4 7,outside47 ,speak low1 or you'll wake up father4 ,den4 7,outside47 ,what d'yer 'spose ,i care for that ould gas-house terrier8 ,ber4 ,bridget1 get me the carvin' knife4 ,i will go out and cut that villain's liver out6 ,do you hear the epithet he's fastenin' on me8 ,brid4 ,be aisy2 listen4 ,den4 7,outside47 ,your old woman1 hey8 ,who cares for her1 the ould dish-wrastler8 ,when we get married1 ,mary1 ,i'm goin' to shoot her if she ever comes around the house4 ,brid4 ,shoot me6 ,blessed virgin1 d'ye hear it8 ,bernard1 where's the ax8 ,give it to me till ,i chop the assassin up6 ,mary4 7,outside47 ,come into the room1 ,denny4 ,the old folks have all gone to bed4 ,brid4 ,the spalpeen's comin' into the room1 d'ye moind it8 ,ber4 ,whist6 hide1 and we'll give him ballyglory4 ,bridget hides under table1 ,bernard behind bureau4 ,enter ,mary and ,denny at door4 ,mary4 ,we have had a good racket1 ain't we1 ,denny8 ,den4 ,yez are givin' it ter me straight4 ,did yer see me mash that son of cross-eyed ,mc,carty for saying that yez had a foot like a giraffe8 ,mary4 ,did you kill him8 ,den4 ,no2 but ,i broke the sucker's jaw4 ,where are the two old figger-heads8 ,mary4 ,what figger-heads8 ,den4 ,those old flannel-mouths--yer father and mother4 ,ber4 7,jumping out from bureau47 ,oh1 yez rapscallion6 ,bridget1 hurl yerself out and we'll salt this fresh herrin'4 ,brid4 7,jumping out47 ,othello1 we have yez now4 ,slug him1 ,bernard4 ,den4 ,what's this1 anyhow8 ,ber4 ,young man1 yez have alluded disrespectfully to the great ,o',rielly family4 ,be ,heaven1 yez must die6 ,den4 ,what are yez slinging me--tacks8 ,ber4 ,we'll be afther slingin' yez out av the window when the morgue comes along4 ,whoof6 hit him1 ,bridget6 ,bridget rushes at ,denny4 ,he knocks her down4 ,ber4 ,yez have raised yer fist against a daisy4 ,beware1 ,i am coming4 ,biz of fight between ,bernard and ,denny4 ,denny finally knocks ,bernard under the table4 ,table falls on him4 ,denny seizes ,mary in his arms and menaces ,bridget with the teapot4 ,flats close in on tableau4 ,,the ,,end4 ,,love ,,in ,,the ,,canebrake4 ,a ,plantation ,comedy4 ,,by ,d4 ,j4 ,,delaney4 ,,characters3 ,,pete1 ,,ike1 ,,rebecca1 ,,clara4 ,,scene4--,full stage4 ,cottage ,r4 ,u4 ,e4 with window and door of paper same color as cottage4 ,enter ,pete and ,ike ,r4 and ,l4 7,they shake hands47 ,pete4 ,why1 ,ichabod1 ,i'se totally surprised for to see you4 ,whar you gwine at this lateness ob de hour8 ,ike4 7,putting his thumbs in armholes of vest and assuming 8bad0 position47 ,dat depends on sarcumstances4 ,if ,i recognize dis locality aright1 ,i hab reached de finale ob my predestination4 ,pete4 7,in astonishment47 ,do tell6 ,ike4 ,do you see dat brownstraw roofed mansion yonder8 ,dar's whar ,i anchor4 ,pete4 ,what brings you 'round yere2 business or pleasure8 ,ike4 ,well1 principally business4 ,do you know any one 'round yere by de name ob ,clara8 ,pete4 ,no2 but ,i'm acquainted wid a personage whose antecedent cognomen is ,rebecca4 ,ike4 ,well1 it is more than presumable that our own prefatory incomprehensibility is based on its peculiar sanitary enfranchisement4 ,don't you think so8 ,pete4 ,yes1 ,i guess you're about right2 we're both on the same lay4 ,ike4 ,dat's ,english2 and now to business4 ,walks right and left about the stage1 and advances and sings as follows3 ,,air3--,big ,fat ,nance4 ,now1 we've come out for a moonlight ramble1 ,to meet de gals dat we adore2 7,pete47 ,my own ,rebecca1 7,ike7 ,and my ,clara2 ,and both our hearts wif love are sore2 ,in yonder cottage dey reside1 ,dey promised to meet us here to-night1 ,dese charming wenches are our pride2 ,two raspberry blondes1 our heart's delight4 ,chorus4 ,den hearken to de music's rapture1 ,wid love our hearts begin to ache1 ,and since of us dey made a capture ,we'll show you how to make a break4 7,dance47 ,ike4 ,say1 ,pete1 don't you think it 'bout time dose festive shemales made deir appearance8 ,pete4 ,ob course2 but if dey didn't hear us1 what are we gwine to do8 ,ike4 ,i dunno4 ,scratches his head4 ,suppose we get a brick and throw it at de house2 dat'll bring dem out1 and we will gib dem de grand surprise4 ,pete4 ,dat's so4 ,they retire ,r4 and ,l41 and producing imitation bricks throw them at the cottage4 ,music soft2 ,pete and ,ike retire ,r4 and ,l4 ,enter ,rebecca and ,clara from cottage4 ,pick up bricks4 ,reb4 ,oh1 it's a shame8 ,clara4 ,dat's what ,i say2 it's a shame4 ,de idea ob dose dog-goned niggers throwing a quarry at de house to make us aware of deir whereabouts4 ,reb4 ,oh1 it wasn't your lover dat trew da brick2 you needn't growl4 ,clara4 ,no1 ,i don't tink it was2 ,i guess it must ha' been your ,pete2 he's so strong he could trow it wif his breff4 ,dere6 ,she throws the brick at ,rebecca's foot4 ,rebecca hits her on the head with the brick she had4 ,they each pick up the bricks to throw them at each other1 when ,pete and ,ike appear4 ,rebecca and ,clara spy them and throw the bricks at them1 hitting them4 ,pete and ,ike howl and retire4 ,clara4 ,ha--ha6 did you see me hit him8 ,reb4 ,i guess dat ought to teach dem to be more civil to deir superiors4 ,clara4 ,yes2 dey said dey'd gib us de grand surprise4 ,i don't tink dey did4 ,reb4 7,tearfully47 ,yes2 but ,i forgib dem4 ,you know how ,i love ,peter ,holloway4 ,covers her face with apron4 ,clara4 7,clasping her47 ',deed ,i do1 ,rebecca4 ,i can sympathize with you4 ,rebecca cries loudly4 ,listen to ecstasy1 ,rebecca4 ,wake up1 chile4 ,rouse yo'self4 ,rebecca wipes her eyes1 and both bend low1 listening to the music4 ,they walk around with hands upraised1 and advance to stage front1 singing the following3 ,oh1 we're in love wid two spruce darkies1 ,who ebry night at de hour ob nine1 ,do wend deir way unto our homestead2 ,an' to-night dey are both on time2 ,dey call us dear and tender names1 ,in de canebrake down by yonder lane2 ,by deir handsome forms an' winning ways1 ,we're 8gone10 but we are not to blame4 ,chorus4 ,den hearken to de music's rapture1 ,for a dance our feet begin to ache1 ,an' since of us dose coons make a capture1 ,we'll show you how to make a break4 ,dance4 ,meanwhile ,pete and ,ike come on and make remarks on the dancing4 ,at the end of dance the girls spy the negroes and angrily walk towards them4 ,pete and ,ike produce large razors and chase the girls4 ,they shout1 and ,clara dives through window of cottage1 ,rebecca walking through the door4 ,pete and ,ike put up their razors and call for the girls2 they at length come out slowly4 ,reb4 7,to ,pete47 ,what for you try to carve me wid a razor1 eh8 ,fo' fifty dollahs ,i'd strike you so hard dat you wouldn't eben hab time to dream of anoddah hen roost4 ,pete4 ,who dreams about hen-roosts1 eh8 ,i tink ,i know considerable ob your private experience1 anyway4 ,i guess as how ,i know who took de duck eggs from ,jim ,barker's hen coop4 ,you can't teach me 'bout de honesty ob some people4 ,reb4 ,well1 ,i can learn to forgib you1 ,pete ,holloway2 but ,i advise you neber again to gib such an exasperating shock to my nerves4 ,you know ,i'm tender4 ,they make up and clasp each other4 ,meanwhile ,ike and ,clara have not approached each other4 ,clara4 7,mildly47 ,i should neber hab tought it ob you1 ,ichabod ,fitzsimmons1 neber4 ,ike4 7,excitedly47 ,well1 no one cares4 ,i'm satisfied1 if no one else is4 ,i guess ,i can do as ,i please4 ,dar's just as good coons in dis village as eber you were4 ,i neber cared much fo' de place1 anyway4 ,indignantly he proceeds to walk across and off the stage4 ,clara rushes at him1 and knocking him down1 puts her foot on him and flourishes a small 7imitation7 ax over him4 ,pete and ,rebecca run towards her1 and take the ax from her4 ,they form a tableau4 ,ike exclaims tragically3 8,saved--saved60 ,pete4 ,you deserved dat1 an' you came widin a hair's breadth of gettin' scalped4 ,you'd better forgib her4 ,they make up1 and joining arms walk ,r4 and ,l4 up the stage1 and advance1 and sing the following3 ,reb4 ,now1 ,pete1 you mashed and dead gone nigger1 ,quit your foolin' an' join de rhyme4 ,pete4 ,why1 bless you1 honey1 ,i'm all attention1 ,an' willin' to dance an' keep in time4 ,clara4 ,ichabod1 say you love me still1 ,and neber go back on your sugar plum4 ,they clasp4 ,ike4 ,forgib me1 honey1 an' take me to your bosom1 ,for what we did was all in fun4 ,r4 ,c4 ,den join us in de song and dance1 ,whenever you may come around4 ,all4 ,we'll drive dull care by slinging our shoe1 ,for dat is where we all grab ground4 ,chorus4 ,den hearken to de music's rapture1 ,for a dance our shoes begin to shake1 ,and since ob us you made a capture1 ,we'll execute a heavy break4 7,dance47 ,,curtain4 ,,the ,,rival ,,darkeys4 ,an ,ethiopian ,sketch4 ,,by ,c4 ,d4 ,,brandt4 ,,scene4--,a ,street4 ,enter ,pompey1 ,r4 ,h41 with saw and sawbuck4 ,pompey4 ,well1 ,i has been trabblin' up de street1 and trabblin' down de street1 all day long1 and hasn't had a single job yet1 and ain't got de fust red cent4 ,i do' know how ,i'll get a quarter to go to de grand bobilition ball to-night2 dere isn't much chance for a nigger to git any wood to saw dese hard times4 ,dare's too many ob dem ,dutch fellars dat 'nopolize de bisness--works under price1 and all dat4 ,dat won't do for dis child4 ,i tink ,i'll leabe de carpenter bisness fur a while1 and maybe ,i may be 'pointed to de office ob inspector ob wood-sawyers4 ,but ,i'se bound to go to de ball to-night1 anyhow4 ,enter ,jim ,brown1 ,l4 ,h41 who walks across the stage past ,pompey1 and is going off4 ,pompey sees him4 ,hello1 ,jim6 ,how is you to-day8 ,jim4 ,look here1 colored man1 don't be too familiar1 if you please4 ',tis accessory dat you should know one ting prebious to your succeeding any furder in your observations4 ,pom4 ,what is dat8 ,jim4 ,i will instruct you to know dat ,i hab been appointed to office4 ,i am 'pointed trabblin' agent fur de ,bobilition ,society4 ,pom4 ,trabblin' agent8 ,well1 s'pose dat means to go afoot--ha--ha--ha--ha6 ,dare's one ting mighty sartin1 honey--you won't trabble bery fast if you tote dem heels wid you6 ,jim4 ,look here1 ,pompey1 ,i has always had considerable respect for you1 'cause ,i beliebe you has some literary 'quirements2 but you 'sociates too much wid dem low class ob white folks4 ,you see1 ,i'se one ob dem kind ob colored indiwiduals who tinks dat a white man's just as good as a nigger so long as he behabe himself4 ,pom4 ,de ,lord6--has you spoke8 ,jim1 ,i guess you changed yer 'pinion de odder night when dat white fellar knocked you off de sidewalk4 ,jim4 ,yes1 ,i have a striking remembrance4 ,i sued dat fellar1 ,i did2 and if ,i'd had a good witness1 dey would ha' fined him for manslaughter4 ,pom4 ,ha6 ya6 ,honey1 ,i was to de trial1 and ,i seed mighty soon how 'twas a goin' wid you4 ,when de judge axed de fellar what knocked you down3 8,what for you knocked dat colored man down80 de man didn't say noffin1 but he gib de judge de sign2 and when ,i seed dat1 ,i knowed he was one ob dem mason fellars2 and when he gib de judge de high sign1 de judge let him go free gratis fur noffin'4 ,look here1 ,jim1 you goin' to de bobolition ball to-night8 ,jim4 ,yes1 sir2 widout prevarication4 ,pom4 ,well1 ,i s'pose you will take some ob de fair sex wid you8 ,jim4 ,yes1 sah2 ,i will hab de extreme honor of perambulating dar wid de lubly ,miss ,araminta ,peachblossom4 ,pom4 ,i s'pose de young lady will take her heels wid her1 won't she8 ,just you take my advice1 ,mr4 ,jim ,brown1 and when you're dancing1 jus' mind how you swing dem comers1 or you'll trip up eberybody dat comes widin free feet ob you4 ,ha1 yah6 ,exit laughing1 ,l4 ,h4 ,jim is going off1 ,r4 ,h41 when he is met by some negroes1 who thrust him off1 ,l4 ,h41 crying3 8,come1 go 'long2 we is gwine to de ball1 we is60 ,,scene ,,ii4--,another ,street1 or a ,park1 with set ,house1 ,l4 ,h4 ,enter ,jim1 ,r4 ,h41 with banjo4 ,jim4 ,hang dese low niggers6 dey are always in de way ob dere superiors4 ,looks at his watch4 ,my gracious6 it's nearly time to get ready fur de ball2 so ,i'll just slamanade ,miss ,araminta a little before ,i go4 ,sings4 ,,air4--8,oh1 hush40 ,lubly ,araminta1 ,brown is come1 ,and sings to you with his thrum1 tum2 ,so open de door an' let me in1 ,for de way ,i love you is a sin6 ,clar de kitchen1 old folks1 young folks1 etc4 ,araminta appears at a window and sings4 ,dandy ,jim1 when last we parted1 ,you to me did prove false-hearted2 ,it's ,whitewash ,sall you want to see1 ,and she ain't one bit better than me4 ,clar de kitchen1 etc41 etc4 ,scene changes1 as ,jim is kneeling and ,araminta is closing the window to a plain room4 ,enter ,pompey1 ,l4 ,h41 cautiously4 ,pom4 ,nobody here--dat's good4 ,ha--ha6 golly1 ,i got into dis ball pooty cheap4 ,i come up to de door1 and ,i didn't see nobody dar2 so ,i toted myself right in4 ,dar's nobody come yet1 so ,i'll just sing a little4 ,sings4 ,,air4--8,brave ,old ,black ,oak40 ,a grin fur de oak1 de ole black oak1 ,who's trunk ,i'se sawed so long2 ,here's a laugh all round1 for his skin so brown1 ,an' his forty-five legs so strong1 ,he shakes all round ,when he's chopped down1 ,an' de coons cut dirt all about2 ,he gives fire an' light ,ob a long cold night1 ,when de old nor-easters shout4 ,pom4 7,voices heard outside47 ,hello6 here comes de guests to de ball4 ,i'll just step out ob de way1 until some ob dem come in4 ,exit ,r4 ,h4 ,enter a number of wenches and sing2 then ,pompey comes in4 ,how are you gen'lemen and ladies8 ,i hope ,i see you all 'joyin' good health4 ,looks off1 ,r4 ,h4 ,hello6 here comes ,mr4 ,jim ,brown1 ,esquire1 as he told me to call him2 and he's got ,miss ,peachblossom wid him4 ,enter ,jim ,brown and ,araminta4 ,they are the bon-ton2 all the characters bow to them1 and shake hands after business4 ,four dance1 etc4 ,jim ,brown4 ,to ,pompey4 ,pompey1 ,i tole you once dat ,i was a fernologist4 ,pom4 ,a what8 ,jim4 ,a fernologist4 ,pom4 ,what's dat8 ,jim4 ,tell de bumps on de head4 ,pom4 ,no6 but are you8 ,jim4 ,yes1 sir4 ,just you sit down and ,i'll 'zamine you4 ,pom4 ,bery well4 ,sits in ,c4 ,jim4 ,all ready8 ,pom4 ,yes4 ,recites the following lecture3 ,jim4 ,you know as the tree is bent so is the twig inclined4 ,in de fus place1 fustly1 dis little nigga's head am like a monkey's1 only de monkey's head am much littler dan dis1 and dis am as much biggerer dan de monkey's1 consequently dey must both be ob de same size4 ,in de fust place1 secondly1 ,i'se gwan as far forward as de back part ob de head1 dat dey call de frontal bone2 'tain't because it is all bone--oh1 no1 'tain't that--but because it is as far from de mouf as de calf of de shin1 and dat is why dey call it de frontal bone4 ,dar--dar1 dar's a bump2 dat's what dey call de bump of combativeness2 under dat bump dere is a large bladder ob dandriff1 and when de nigga gets a little 'zaggerated1 de bladder splodes2 de cold air rushes into de vacum1 and de nigga gradually subsides into his former situation4 ,dar1 dar's anoder bump--oh1 golly1 what a big bump6--dat's what dey call de bump ob music2 any nigga dat has dat bump any way permanent or largely deweloped1 can play any tune on de fiddle--dat is1 if he know'd how to play it afore4 ,and now ,i hope ,i've satisfied you dat ,i know something about dis science4 ,for de present1 ,ecce sigmum1 hoc vobis cum1 quantum suff4 ,pom4 ,well1 you can suffer just as much as you please1 but ,i won't let you make me suffer2 so just take dat6 ,hits ,jim4 ,jim4 ,a blow6 and from a low wood-sawyer6 ,pom4 ,yes1 sir-ee6 ,and dar's anoder6 ,both fight4 ,pompey floors ,jim2 wenches faint1 and a regular ,sixth ,ward fight all around1 as the curtain goes down4 ,,politics4 ,a ,rattling ,irish ,farce4 ,,characters4 ,,patrick ,,grady1 ,,denis ,,hallorahan1 ,,bridget ,,grady4 ,,scene4--,ordinary room4 ,tables and chairs1 ,l4 ,wash-tub1 ,c1 by door4 ,cradle1 ,r1 and churn4 ,curtain rises4 ,discloses ,bridget at table4 ,bridget4 ,shure1 an' it's the terrible loife ,i'm lading4 ,there's me husband1 ,patrick ,grady1 always off av a night to ,casey's1 getting blind drunk1 an' rowling an' cavortin' a home in the morning1 a swearing that he's in wid the gang1 an' that they're goin' for to run him for alderman4 ,a foine alderman it is that he will make1 with his shirt paping out av his coat1 an' divil a sock to his fut4 ,faith1 ,i belave he's goin' ter the bad1 intirely4 ,he's gettin' so mighty high chuned av late that he'll soon be a riding down town in a stage1 instead av standing on the rear end av a truck4 ,oh1 bad cess to the day that ivir ,i married him4 ,enter ,denis4 ,den4 ,well1 ,bridget8 ,brid4 ,it isn't well at all1 brother ,denis4 ,den4 ,where's ,patrick8 ,brid4 ,ax me something aisier4 ,down to ,casey's1 ,i suppose1 setting on top av a beer keg an' swaring that he's the man that's going to put ,cleveland out av the ,white ,house4 ,den4 ,on a drunk again8 ,brid4 ,whin isn't he on a drunk8 ,shure ,i'd be afther fearing that he was ill if he should come home sober4 ,den4 ,it's a bad business1 ,bridget4 ,brid4 ,ye are right4 ,ye see he's got his head crammed wid politics4 ,den4 ,politics1 is it8 ,brid4 ,yis2 he went an' pawned the stove to raise a banner wid4 ,shure he thinks that he'll be ,congressman afore long1 an' ruin the prospects av his childer intirely4 ,den4 ,will he be home soon8 ,brid4 ,i'm expecting him every moment4 ,oh1 ,denny1 ,i wish ye would rayson wid him4 ,den4 ,so ,i will1 ,bridget4 ,his conduct1 be heaven1 is scandalous in the extreme6 ,brid4 ,but don't be too hard wid him4 ,patrick manes well4 ,den4 ,i'll thrate him dacent4 ,aside4 ,i'll kick the devil's left lung out av him if he gives me any av his unpolite conversation4 ,noise outside4 ,enter ,patrick1 staggering4 ,throws hat on floor1 and reels front4 ,pat4 ,may ,i inquire1 ,missus ,grady1 who's a been putting grease on the front piazzy8 ,brid4 ,nobody1 ,patrick4 ,pat4 7,severely47 ,don't yer lie to me1 ,missus ,grady4 ,i may be suffering undher a fit av despair1 but ,i am not drunk1 and ,i have me feelings4 ,shure1 an' ,i fell complately down on that front piazzy4 ,brid4 ,ye don't know what ye are saying1 ,patrick4 ,pat4 7,looking at ,denis47 ,how long since you have been buying cigar signs to stick up in your drawing-room1 ,missus ,grady8 ,brid4 ,why1 that's your brother ,denis4 ,pat4 7,advancing47 ,faith1 an' it is6 ,denny1 me boy1 give me your flipper4 ,have ye a ,henry ,mud consaled wid you8 ,den4 ,i don't smoke4 ,pat4 ,yer don't8 ,yer a ,murphyite1 are ye8 ,an' may ,i ax what sent ye here8 ,brid4 ,he heard what a drunken husband his sister had1 and he came down to see about it4 ,pat4 ,ah--ha6 he did8 ,well1 it's my opinion1 ,missus ,grady1 that he's drunk as an owl himself1 and isn't agreeable company for gintlemin like mesilf4 ,den4 ,i never drink1 an' it would be better1 ,patrick1 if you never touched the whisky4 ,pat4 ,nayther ,i do4 ,it's a nob that ,i am4 ,a gallon bottle of dam shame1 an' put it down on the slate4 ,den4 ,well1 ,i mane it would be a dale better if ye left alcoholic stimulants alone4 ,pat4 ,alcoholic stimulants1 is it8 ,missus ,grady1 are ye aware that yer brother spakes ,frinch8 ,it's the great temperance man that he is who praches for love an' not money4 ,den4 ,but1 ,patrick1 think av the shame it causes your wife for you to walk home intoxicated every night av your life4 ,pat4 ,i niver walk home4 ,bedad ,assemblyman ,murphy pushed me around to me residence this avening in his barouche--he peddles oranges out av it in the daytime4 ,ah1 the assemblyman's a great man4 ,he's got a pull in the ward1 and he's going to get me a political job a kaping the sparrows from flying away wid the ,city ,hall4 ,den4 ,but your wife and children are a-starving in the manewhile4 ,brid4 ,that's so1 ,patrick4 ,pat4 ,will yer shut up1 ,bridget8 yer want ice-crame and sponge cake fer lunch1 ,i suppose4 ,the next thing yer'll be sinding out afther broiled quail in a box afther yer get to bed4 ,it's too toney1 you're getting1 entirely4 ,den4 ,is that the way to spake to your wife8 ,pat4 ,whose wife is she8 ,den4 ,yours1 worse luck2 but she's my sister4 ,pat4 ,shure1 it wasn't her fault1 poor thing4 ,perhaps yer would be plased to have me buy her a pianny an' get her a velocipede to amuse herself wid while ,i'm at work8 ,den4 ,you're drunk1 ,patrick1 and yer can't see me argyment4 ,brid4 ,that's thrue4 ,pat4 ,will ye be still1 ,bridget8 ,i'm drunk1 am ,i1 ,mister ,hallorahan8 ,av coorse ,i am2 it's elated wid joy that ,i am1 because of the war in ,europe4 ,it's agoin' to mend the times in this country1 an' we'll all git paid for being gentlemen1 every man of us4 ,oh1 ,i have the head for a senator4 ,brid4 ,you're looney1 ,pat4 ,pat4 ,missus ,grady1 if ye don't shut up ,i'll be forced to be on the lookout fur another wife1 on account av yer suddent death4 ,brid4 ,patrick1 your cruel words will drive me wild with grief4 ,pat4 ,thin we'll send ye to play ,hamlet4 ,den4 ,talk gently to your wife1 ,pat2 she's a woman4 ,pat4 ,yer don't mane it4 ,well1 did yer imagine ,i didn't know that8 ,i have frequent opportunities av seeing women afore4 ,there's ,widow ,leary1 for occasion4 ,brid4 ,widdy ,leary1 she's a fine crathur6 ,a female skeleton1 that paints herself up like a brick house1 an' hasn't the shape av a barrel4 ,pat4 ,the ,widow ,leary recognizes a fine man when she sees him4 ,she tould ,father ,riordan that ,i had the natest fut av any man for blocks around4 ,brid4 ,she did1 did she8 ,pat4 ,i'm a givin' it to ye wid directness1 ,bridget4 ,brid4 ,when ,i catch her ,i'll kill her4 ,thrying to intice me lawful wedded husband away1 the cork-legged ould scarecrow4 ,pat4 ,that will do4 ,ye ought to be elated to think that ye have sich a voluptuous-appearing husband1 and ought to be continted to humor him1 especially whin he's got sich influence wid the bys4 ,do ye know the 8,garvey ,musketeers10 ,denis8 ,den4 ,yis4 ,pat4 ,shure1 they've axed me to turn out wid them to carry their target instead of a nagur4 ,perhaps yer would condescind to ax me for a place in the post office now8 ,brid4 ,are ye goin' to turn out wid those blaggards8 ,pat4 ,don't yer be after alluding to the ,garvey ,musketeers as blaggards1 ,missus ,grady4 ,they are gintlemen2 divil a wan av them works for a living4 ,brid4 ,they're not off av the ,island long enough4 ,pat4 ,perhaps they are not cheeney enough for yer4 ,brid4 ,they're a lot of rowdies1 ,pat4 ,why don't you join the ,father ,matthy's8 ,pat4 ,would ye hear the woman8 she's putting on frills enough for an inspector's wife4 ,wouldn't yer like me to buy meself a little white apron an' turn out wid the masons8 ,den4 ,pat1 can't you listen to rayson8 ,pat4 ,av coorse4 ,den4 ,is it sensible or raysonable for you to be flying around wid the boys and laving your poor wife at home8 ,suppose some man should run off wid her4 ,pat4 ,begorra1 ,i'd jump on his chest till he spit blood1 so ,i would4 ,den4 ,now promise me you'll stay at home more nights4 ,brid4 ,yes1 ,pat1 do1 and jine the ,t4 ,a4 ,b's4 ,pat4 ,shure1 ,casey would drape his saloon in black if ,i did4 ,brid4 ,the curse of ,st4 ,patrick light on ,casey4 ,she rises and approaches ,pat1 tickles him under the chin4 ,then1 ,patsey1 darlint1 sign the pledge4 ,pat4 ,but it will spoil me hould in the ward4 ,who ever heard av a temperance politician4 ,den4 ,drop politics an' stick to bricklaying1 ,pat4 ,pat4 ,well1 ,i believe ,i will4 ,from this hour ,pat ,grady1 ,iskwire1 drinks no more6 ,aside--at his own expense4 ,bridget1 shoulder that broom an' we'll give the leddies an' jintlemen in front 8,sons of ,temperance10 ,t4 ,a4 ,b41 and yer1 ,denis1 jine in the chorus4 7,all form group at front of stage and sing4 ,at end of song flat closes in47 ,,the ,,end4 ,,love ,,and ,,poetry4 ,a ,short ,burlesque4 ,,by ,,harry ,,miner4 ,,characters4 ,,hannis ,,yorick4 ,,lena ,,krause4 ,,byron ,,longfellow ,,smith4 ,,scene4--,interior4 ,tables1 ,l4 ,two chairs1 ,c4 ,door at rear4 ,enter ,lena1 ,r4 #a4 ,e4 ,lena4 ,vell1 at last the day's vork vos done1 the mistress has gone oud for the evening1 an' ,i haf the room to mineself4 ,but ,i don't better believe dot ,i vill haf it long1 for there vos a leetle ,dutch boy--vouldn't he pe mad if he heard me call himself boy--who vos apt to drop in mit purpose by accident1 to see me evenings1 und ,i haf an idea dot he vill pe here right avay gwick pretty soon4 ,i vonder vat he pring me--he alvays prings me sometings nice--de last dime it vos seven yards of sourkraut done up mit blue paper an' a hay rope4 ,i feel shust as light hearted as a rooster hen1 an' ,i guess dot ,i vill sing a leetle4 ,sings4 ,,air4--,pretty as a ,picture4 ,my heart vos gone1 ,i vos all forlorn1 ,such a pretty boy has von me1 ,such a nobby boy1 ,de ,deitcher's joy---- ,hannis4 7,outside47 ,lena4 ,lena4 ,vell1 ,hannis4 ,han4 ,may ,i stay oud8 ,lena4 ,of course4 ,open de latch1 spring de door1 an' coom in4 ,enter ,hannis4 ,han4 ,lena1 you vos lookin' as nice as a rosebud mit the catarrh4 ,lena4 ,oh1 ,hannis6 ,han4 ,dat vos drue4 ,vos dat you singing1 ,lena8 ,lena4 ,it vos4 ,han4 ,vhy1 ,i thought dat it was somebody shoveling coal4 ,lena hits him a slap in the face4 ,hannis makes a wry face4 ,han4 ,there1 you hab cracked the spine of my jaw4 ,lena4 ,then vhy vill you dry to be funny8 ,but come1 sit down on yourself1 ,hannis4 ,han4 ,what on--a moonpeam8 ,lena4 ,on a chair1 stupid4 ,brings chair to front of stage and both take seats4 ,vot vos it you brought me8 ,han4 ,you like candy1 ,lena8 ,lena4 ,you know dot ,i do4 ,han4 ,then what made you ask me8 ,but it vosn't candy4 ,candy vos unhealdy4 ,so ,i hab brought you a dog4 ,lena4 ,a dog6 vot vill ,i do mit a dog8 ,han4 ,shoot him2 you see he vos a nice dog2 he vos the image of you4 ,lena4 ,oh1 ,hannis6 ,han4 ,und ,i thought dot mebbe you might wear him in your locket1 or haf him stuffed into a pracelet or something like dot4 ,lena4 ,you vos joking4 ,han4 ,shust you go und tell dot dog dot he vos a liar4 ,you vill see vedder ,i vos joking4 ,lena4 ,an' is a dog all dat you haf bringed me8 ,han4 ,no1 ,lena1 ,i have brought you somedings else4 ,lena4 ,vell1 vot8 ,han4 ,i don't vant to tell you4 ,lena4 ,why not8 ,han4 ,you wud make fun of me1 tell me dot ,i vos too fresh1 und had petter go wash my mouth oud with salt4 ,lena4 ,no ,i von't4 ,han4 ,promise id4 ,lena4 ,yes4 ,han4 ,vell1 dear1 ,i vill gif mineself avay4 ,lena1 you vos a nice leetle ,yarman girl4 ,lena4 ,dot fact vos gray-headed4 ,han4 ,und1 ,lena1 ,i lofe you4 ,lena4 ,oh1 my1 vasn't you ashamed4 ,han4 ,yes1 ,i vos plushing beneath my bosom protector4 ,but for all dot ,i lofe you4 ,lena1 nod---- ,enter ,byron ,smith ,l4 #b ,e4 ,stalks tragically forward4 ,halts and points finger at ,hannis and ,lena4 ,byron4 ,ha--ha6 what is this that looms before my vision6 ',tis love's young dream6 ',tis ,cupid's victory won4 ,two hearts with but a single thought1 ,two souls that beat as one6 ,han4 ,is this a lunatic asylum1 ,lena8 ,lena4 ,oh1 no1 dot vas only the poet dot board mit the mistress4 ,how you vas dis evening1 ,mr4 ,smith8 ,byron4 ,fair maiden1 ,i stoop to kiss your snow-white hand4 ,han4 ,no1 sir1 not dis week4 ,dis vos my girl1 ,i do all her kissing by gontract4 ,shust you mind your pisness and ,i'll mind yours4 ,byron4 ,my nut-brown sylph1 tell me1 ,i pray1 who this uncouth barbarian is8 ,han4 7,jumping up47 ,hold my coat1 ,lena4 ,lena4 ,vot for8 ,han4 ,he has insulted you4 ,i vill preak his fist wit mine head4 ,he called you a nut-brown maid4 ,you vas a white ,dutch girl4 ,by ,shumping ,shadrach ,i will pull out his teeth with mine boot4 ,lena4 ,shust you sit on an ice-box1 ,hannis1 he means no harm4 ,byron4 ,you are right1 my starry-eyed gazelle4 ,han4 ,vhy don't you call her a plack-eyed camel1 und be done wid id8 ,byron4 ,presumptuous meddler1 ,i am a poet4 ,away with dross1 with sordid gold1 ,i would not be a miser old2 ,but with my pen1 my rapid pen1 ,i'm sure ,i'll charm the hearts of men6 ,han4 ,haf you been drinking vhisky1 my friendt8 ,lena4 ,don't make fun of him1 ,hannis2 dot vos peyewtiful poetry4 ,han4 ,i know von man dot would gif a thousand dollars to hear dot4 ,lena4 ,you do8 ,han4 ,yes2 he vos stone deaf in poth eyes4 ,but ,i say1 ,mr4 ,poet4 ,byron4 ,say on1 ,lucullus4 ,han4 ,my name vos ,hannis1 not ,bluecollars4 ,but as ,i vos saying--don't you think1 ,mr4 ,poet1 dot three vos company1 two vos a crowd8 ,byron4 ,what does the gifted bard of ,avon say about that8 ,ah1 now ,i remember6 ,two lovers alone in silent joy1 ,a blue-eyed maiden1 a black-haired boy2 ,it might be better1 it could be worse1 ,another person would be a curse4 ,han4 ,then vhy don't you dake a tumbles and fly avay mit yourself8 ,byron4 ,i do not understand you4 ,lena4 ,don't mind him1 ,mr4 ,smith2 ,i love your poetry4 ,byron4 ,thanks2 shall ,i give you another specimen8 ,han4 ,for heaven's sake2 hush6 ,lena4 ,please do1 ,mr4 ,smith4 ,byron4 ,this is the seventeenth stanza of my lovely dirge1 8,life40 ,there are three thousand and two more verses3 ,life is a mockery1 ,life is a cheat---- ,han4 7,interrupting47 ,ven ve vos hungry1 ,there's nothing to eat6 ,byron4 ,what mean you1 sir1 by basely changing my lines8 ,han4 ,pring an almanac und find oud4 ,there vos a nice dog outside1 ,mr4 ,fresh4 ,byron4 ,a dog--a dog--a little dog1 ,a puppy small1 but sharp1 ,watching in all of puppyish glee1 ,his master's ,hebrew harp4 ,han4 ,no1 sir2 he vosn't vatching any harp4 ,just yer go oud und feel of his teeth to see how oldt he vos4 ,byron4 ,i am happy here4 ,han4 ,i vosn't4 ,say1 ,mr4 ,poet1 von day there vas a feller coom to see his gal4 ,byron4 ,come to ask her would she marry1 ,begged her to no longer tarry1 ,love had marked her for his quarry4 ,han4 ,dot vos id4 ,vell1 there vos anudder veller4 ,byron4 ,ah1 yes3 ,a sneaking rival1 hump-backed1 old4 ,with broad acres and heaps of gold4 ,han4 ,i could schwear to it4 ,the sucker that ,i vas delling about1 looked as if he vosn't rich enough to puy a pound of air4 ,vell1 he kept coming in und boddering dem lovers all the dime4 ,byron4 ,base hell-hound4 ,han4 ,dat might haf peen his name4 ,but vot vould you haf done to dot ,canarsie cod-fish8 ,byron4 ,i would have clutched him by the neck4 ,and hauled him down--down--down6 ,and when they asked me where he was1 ,like the tempest's howlings ,i'd repeat1 8,down--down in hell6 ',twas there ,i sent him60 ,han4 ,you vould do dot8 ,byron4 ,assuredly4 ,han4 ,mr4 ,gall1 ,i vill take your vord at you6 7,jumps up and seizes ,byron47 ,i pounced him up--up--up6 ,und vhen dey send me a postal card asking vhere he vos1 ,i repeaded like a dempest howl3 8,send him a linen duster1 he need it40 ,biz4 of struggle4 ,hannis gets ,byron down1 and stands on him4 ,lena rushes forward1 sinks on her knees by his side4 ,lena4 ,spare him1 ,hannis4 ,han4 ,queen ,elizabeth ,tilton1 interceding for the life of ,owen ,murphy4 ,tableau4 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,end4 99 99 99 99 99 ,transcriber's ,notes3 ,the author for this book is listed in other sources as ,aaron ,a4 ,warford4 ,some advertising is likely missing from this transcription because the source copy was missing its back cover4 ,punctuation has been made consistent4 ,variations in spelling and hyphenation were retained as they appear in the original publication1 except that obvious typographical errors have been corrected4 ,the following changes were made3 ,the notation #a #b for fractions was changed to #a_/b4 p4 #i3 ,sentence was moved to this page from p4 #ac 7,hope is like love1 but subdued47 p4 #ab3 ,table labled 8#8,,black ,,slayer4' ,scene ,plot4 ,,act ,,first40 was moved to this page from p4 #ac4 p4 #ac3 ,table labled 8#8,,black ,,slayer4' ,,props40 and the paragraphs immediately above and below the table were moved to this page from pp4 #aj-aa4 p4 #de3 ,pete4 changed to 7,pete47 77,pete47 ,my own ,rebecca17