,,marion ,,harland',s ,,complete ,,etiquette ,,marion ,,harland',s ,,complete ,,etiquette ,a ,young ,people's ,guide to ,every ,social ,occasion ,,by ,,marion ,,harland ,,and ,,virginia ,,van ,,de ,,water ,,revised ,,and ,,enlarged ,illustration ,,indianapolis ,,the ,,bobbs-,,merrill ,,company ,,publishers ,,copyright #aije1 #aijg1 #aiad ,,the ,,bobbs-,,merrill ,,company ,,press ,,of ,,braunworth ,,co4 ,,bookbinders ,,and ,,printers ,,brooklyn1 ,n4 ,y4 ,,contents ,,chapter ,,page ,i ,,sending ,,and ,,receiving ,,invitations #a ,,ii ,,cards ,,and ,,calls #ad ,,iii ,,letter-,,writing #bg ,,iv ,,introductions #ch ,v ,,after ,,six ,o',,clock #dc ,,vi ,,functions #eb ,,vii ,,the ,,home ,,wedding #fi ,,viii ,,the ,,church ,,wedding #gh ,,ix ,,the ,,dinner ,,party #hh ,x ,,the ,,education ,,of ,a ,,young ,,girl #aaa ,,xi ,,the ,d,,butante #abj ,,xii ,,men ,,and ,,women #abe ,,xiii ,,coeducation ,,socially ,,considered #acf ,,xiv ,,the ,,chaperon #ade ,,xv ,,the ,,matter ,,of ,,dress #aeb ,,xvi ,,making ,,and ,,receiving ,,gifts #afg ,,xvii ,,bachelor ,,hospitality #age ,,xviii ,,the ,,visitor #ahb ,,xix ,,the ,,visited #aie ,,xx ,,hospitality ,,as ,a ,,duty #bjc ,,xxi ,,the ,,house ,,of ,,mourning #bjh ,,xxii ,,at ,,table #baf ,,xxiii ,,in ,,the ,,home #bbg ,,xxiv ,,in ,,public #bch ,,xxv ,,hotel ,,and ,,boarding-,,house ,,life #bdi ,,xxvi ,,in ,,the ,,restaurant #bei ,,xxvii ,,when ,,traveling #bfh ,,xxviii ,,in ,,sport #bhj ,,xxix ,,mrs4 ,,newlyrich ,,and ,,her ,,social ,,duties #bia ,,xxx ,,delicate ,,points ,,for ,,our ,,girl #cjf ,,xxxi ,,our ,,own ,,and ,,other ,,people',s ,,children #cae ,,xxxii ,,our ,,neighbors #cbc ,,xxxiii ,,church ,,and ,,parish #cbi ,,xxxiv ,,the ,,woman',s ,,club #ccg ,,xxxv ,,charities1 ,,public ,,and ,,private #cdg ,,xxxvi ,,courtesy ,,from ,,the ,,young ,,to ,,the ,,old #cee ,,xxxvii ,,mistress ,,and ,,maid #cfc ,,xxxviii ,,the ,,woman ,,without ,a ,,maid #cga ,,xxxix ,,woman ,,in ,,business ,,relations #chj ,,xl ,a ,,financial ,,study ,,for ,,our ,,young ,,couple #chg ,,xli ,,more ,,talk ,,about ,,allowances #cie ,,xlii ,a ,,few ,,of ,,the ,,little ,,things ,,that ,,are ,,big ,,things #cii ,,xliii ,,on ,,manner #dah ,,xliv ,,self-,,help ,,and ,,observation #dbf ,,index #dcc ,,marion ,,harland',s ,,complete ,,etiquette ,,complete ,,etiquette ,,chapter ,i ,,sending ,,and ,,receiving ,,invitations ,,the sending and receiving of invitations underlies social obligations4 ,it therefore behooves both senders and recipients to learn the proper form in which these evidences of hospitality should be despatched and received4 ,in the majority of cases an invitation demands an answer4 ,if one is in doubt1 it is well to err on the side of acknowledging an invitation1 rather than on that of ignoring it altogether4 99 99 99 99 99 ,we will consider first such invitations as demand no acceptance but which call for regrets if one can not accept4 ,such are cards to 8,at ,home0 days1 to teas and to large receptions4 ,unless any one of these bears on its face the letters 8,r4 s4 v4 p40 7,rpondez1 s'il vous plat--,answer if you please7 no acceptance is required4 ,if one can not attend the function1 one should send one's card so that one's friend will receive it on the day of her affair4 ,sidenote3 ,,cards ,,for ,,an ,,at ,,home ,the cards for an 8,at ,home0 are issued about ten days before the function4 ,they bear the hostess' name alone1 unless her husband is to receive with her1 in which case the card may bear the two names1 as 8,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,james ,smith40 ,the average ,american man does not1 however1 figure at his wife's 8,at ,homes0 when these are held in the afternoon4 ,the exigencies of counting-room and office hold him in thrall too often for him to be depended on for such an occasion4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a plain1 heavy cream card1 simply engraved1 is now used for most formal invitations in preference to the engraved notes that were the rule ten years ago4 ,the card bears in the lower right-hand corner the address of the entertainer2 in the lower left-hand corner the date and the hours of the affair1--as 8,wednesday1 ,october the nineteenth10 and under this 8,from four until seven o'clock40 ,if the tea be given in honor of a friend1 or to introduce a stranger1 the card of this person is enclosed with that of the hostess1 if the affair be rather informal4 ,if1 however1 it be a formal reception it is well to have engraved upon the card of the hostess1 directly under her own name1 8,to meet ,miss ,smith40 ,if a woman wishes to be at home for a guest unexpectedly arrived1 and there is not time for the engraving of cards1 or if she prefers to be informal1 she may simply use her visiting-card1 writing the name of her guest beneath her own1 and adding the date on which she will receive1 and the hours1 in the lower left-hand corner4 ,it is understood1 of course1 that abbreviations--with the exception of 8,p4 p4 c40 and 8,r4 s4 v4 p40--are never to be used on invitations and social notes4 ,the recipient1 if sending cards instead of attending1 encloses a card for the guest or friend whom she has been invited to meet4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,evening ,,reception ,the cards for an evening reception may be issued in the same style4 ,if not1 they are in the form of a regular invitation1 and in the third person1 as3 8,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,james ,smith ,request the pleasure of ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,brown's company ,on ,wednesday evening1 ,october the nineteenth1 ,from eight to eleven o'clock4 #b ,west ,clark ,street40 ,if this formal invitation bears 8,r4 s4 v4 p40 in one corner1 it should be accepted in the same person in which it is written1 thus3 8,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,john ,brown accept with pleasure ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,smith's invitation for ,wednesday evening1 ,october the nineteenth40 ,the reply to an invitation1 whether formal or informal1 should1 to guard against misunderstanding1 always explicitly repeat the date and the hour4 ,it is hardly to be supposed that any person who reads this book will be guilty of the outrageous solecism of signing his or her name to an invitation written in the third person4 ,but such things have been done6 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,abbreviations ,,and ,,figures ,the letters 8,r4 s4 v4 p40 are often written or engraved entirely in capitals4 ,this is incorrect4 ,some people prefer to dispense with them altogether and to express themselves in the simpler fashion1 8,the favor of an answer is requested40 ,it will be noticed that figures are avoided4 ,the day of the week1 and such words as 8street0 and 8avenue0 must appear in full4 ,some people even write out the year in words1 but this looks heavy4 ,never use 8,city0 or 8,town0 on an envelope in place of the name of the city4 ,to announce an 8,at ,home0 through the newspapers is to be avoided4 ,in case of the sudden descent of a friend who will remain for two or three days only it may be done4 ,in that case one must add that there are no invitations1 otherwise one's friends may not understand4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,dances ,,and ,,teas ,invitations to dances are often issued in the same form as those to teas1 with 8,dancing0 written or engraved in the corner of the card4 ,as with teas1 so with evening receptions1 a declinature must be sent in the shape of a card delivered on the day of the function4 ,the custom that some persons follow of writing 8,regrets0 on such a card is not good form4 ,an invitation to a card-party1 no matter how informal1 always demands an answer1 as the entertainer wishes to know how many tables to provide1 and the number of players she can count on4 99 99 99 99 99 ,cards to church weddings demand no answer unless the wedding be a small one and the invitations are written by the bride or one of the relatives1 in which case the acceptance or regret must be written at once1 and thanks expressed for the honor4 ,a 8crush0 church wedding is the one function that demands no reply of any kind4 ,if one can go1 well and good4 ,if one does not go one will not be missed from the crowd that will throng the edifice4 ,an invitation to a home wedding or a breakfast demands an answer and thanks for the honor4 ,sidenote3 ,,addressing ,,the ,,envelopes ,while on the subject of invitations to large or formal affairs1 it may be well to touch on a point concerning which many correspondents write letters of agonized inquiry1--the addressing of envelopes to the different members of a family4 ,the question1 8,may one invitation be sent to an entire family1 consisting of parents1 sons and daughters80 is asked again and again4 ,to each of these an emphatic 8,no60 is the answer4 ,if any person is to be honored by an invitation to a function1 he should be honored by an invitation sent in the proper way4 ,one card should be sent to 8,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,blank02 another to the 8,misses ,blank10 still another to each son of the family4 ,one can foresee the day when each unmarried daughter will expect her own card1 so rapidly is feminine individuality developing4 ,each invitation is enclosed in a separate envelope1 but1 if desired1 all these envelopes may be enclosed in a larger outer one addressed to the head of the house4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the most important invitation1--one demanding an immediate answer1--is that to a dinner or luncheon1 be this formal or informal4 ,for stately formal dinners1 engraved invitations in the third person are sent4 ,but it is quite as good form1 and in appearance much more hospitable and complimentary1 for the hostess herself to write personal notes of invitation to each guest4 ,these may be in the simplest language1 as3 8,my dear ,miss ,dorr3 8,will you give ,mr4 ,brown and myself the pleasure of having you at dinner with us on ,thursday evening1 ,december the sixth8 ,we sincerely hope that you will be among those whom we see at our table that night4 ,dinner will be served at seven o'clock4 8,cordially yours1 8,louise ,brown40 ,an invitation to a married woman should always include herself and her husband1 but it is addressed to her because it is the woman who is supposed to have charge of the social calendar of the family4 ,this note may read3 8,my dear ,mrs4 ,aikman3 8,will you and ,mr4 ,aikman honor us by being our guests at dinner on ,thursday evening1 ,december the sixth1 at seven o'clock8 ,sincerely hoping to see you at that time1 ,i remain1 8,cordially yours1 8,louise ,brown40 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,single ,,man ,a note of invitation to a single man is written in the same way4 ,if the dinner be given to any particular guest or guests1 this fact should be mentioned in the invitation4 ,as1 for instance1 8,will you dine with us to meet ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,barrows10 and so forth4 ,single men who are warmly appreciative of dinner invitations and who foresee no opportunity in the near future to return the hospitality offered to them1 frequently send a box of flowers to their hostess on the day of her entertainment4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,invitation ,,to ,,dinner ,as soon as practicable after the receipt of a dinner invitation1 the recipient should write a cordial note4 ,if accepting she should express thanks and the pleasure she 7or her husband and she7 will take in being present at the time mentioned4 ,as a rule the decision to accept or decline should be as absolute as it is immediate4 ,only the greatest intimacy and extraordinary circumstances warrant the request that an invitation be held open even for a day4 ,the hostess must make her arrangements and she can not do so until she has heard definitely from all those she has asked4 ,if a declinature is necessary1 let it be in the form of a recognition of the honor conveyed in the invitation1 and genuine regret at the impossibility of accepting it4 ,this may be worded somewhat in the following way3 8,my dear ,mrs4 ,brown3 8,mr4 ,aikman and ,i regret sincerely that a previous engagement makes it impossible for us to accept your delightful invitation for ,december the sixth4 ,we thank you for counting us among those who are so happy as to be your guests on that evening1 and only wish that we could be with you4 8,cordially and regretfully yours1 8,jane ,aikman40 ,sidenote3 ,,dinner ,,engagements ,,binding ,no matter how informal a dinner is to be1 if the invitation is once accepted1 nothing must be allowed to interfere with one's attendance unless one is so ill that one's physician absolutely forbids one leaving the house4 ,some wit said that a man's only excuse for non-attendance at such a function is his death1 in which case he should send his obituary notice as an explanation4 ,certain it is that nothing short of one's own severe illness or the dangerous illness of a member of the family should interfere with one's attendance at a dinner4 ,should such a contingency arise1 a telegram or telephone message should be sent immediately that the hostess may try to engage another guest to take the place of the one who is unavoidably prevented from being present4 ,when it becomes necessary to ask a guest to fill such a vacancy1 the hostess will do best to explain the situation frankly1 while the guest on his part need feel no slight at the lateness of his invitation4 ,a clever woman always has several persons on whom she can rely for such emergencies and whose good nature she does not fail to reward4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,luncheon ,all the rules that apply to the sending and receiving of invitations to a dinner prevail with regard to a luncheon4 ,it is next in importance as a function1 and the acceptance or declinature of a letter requesting that one should attend it must be promptly despatched4 ,in planning any social affair the hostess should think twice about asking together people who have for a long time lived in the same neighborhood or who are old residents of the city in any part but who are not apparently in the habit of seeing one another4 ,sometimes it is safer to ask one's prospective guests outright if it will be agreeable for them to meet4 ,before closing this chapter we should like to remind the possible guest that an invitation is intended as an honor4 ,the function to which one is asked may be all that is most boring1 and the flesh and spirit may shrink from attending it4 ,but if one declines what is meant as a compliment1 let one do so in a manner that shows one appreciates the honor intended4 ,to decline as if the person extending the invitation were a bit presumptuous in giving it1 or to accept in a condescending manner1 is a lapse that shows a common strain under a recently-acquired polish4 ,a thoroughbred accepts and declines all invitations as though he were honored by the attention4 ,in doing so he shows himself worthy to receive any compliment that may under any circumstances be extended to him4 ,would that more of the strugglers up ,society's ladders would appreciate this truth6 99 99 99 99 99 ,if a woman wishes to give any other special form of entertainment than a dance1 she writes the suitable word1 8,music10 8,bridge10 8,garden-party10 etc41 in place of the word 8,dancing40 ,for a dinner dance one sends a note or an engraved card with 8,dancing at ten0 or 8,cotillion at eleven0 in the corner1 to the comparatively small number asked to dine4 ,the guests asked for the dance receive only an 8,at ,home0 card1 with the announcement 8,dancing at ten0 in the corner4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,tea-,,dance ,the tea-dance or th-dansant has recently been revived4 ,this calls for an 8,at ,home0 card and the word 8,dancing0 in the corner4 ,it is merely an ordinary afternoon tea at which space and music are provided for the young people to whirl about4 ,some people who entertain formally a great deal keep on hand a supply of large engraved cards with a space left blank in which the name of the guest is written4 ,this is certainly a time-saving custom1 but the appearance of such a card is less elegant than one wholly engraved1 while on the other hand it lacks the real cordiality of the written note4 ,aiming at a combined effect1 it hardly achieves either of the things desired4 ,a minor but amusing blunder sometimes made by thoughtless persons consists in inviting guests 8for0 dinner4 ,the ducks and salad1 ices and cakes are for dinner2 the guests should be asked to it4 ,a woman may take an out-of-town visitor to any large affair without obtaining permission beforehand1 but she will of course1 in speaking to her hostess1 express appreciation of the pleasant opportunity thus afforded to her guest4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,cards ,,after ,a ,,death ,after a death has taken place1 one will not for a month or six weeks intrude on the seclusion of the family by sending any social invitations4 ,after that time1 however1 they should be sent as usual4 ,it is the personal privilege of the bereaved to determine how soon and to what extent they will resume their relations with society4 ,if one is in mourning one can not of course with propriety become a member of any gay company1 but nowadays mourning is not always assumed even by the most grievously stricken4 ,if such persons find their burden more easily borne by the resumption1 as far as may be1 of their normal activities1 it is the part of kindness to aid them in making this resumption as easy and natural as possible4 ,it is now considered correct to send all invitations by mail1 though in some southern places the more elegant--if difficult--method of delivering them by the hand of a servant is still cherished4 ,many informal invitations are now extended by telephone4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,how ,,invitations ,,begin ,dinner and wedding invitations and cards for evening receptions are issued in the names of both host and hostess4 ,for a ball or a garden-party the name of the hostess may appear alone1 though this is not usual4 ,a young girl should never announce any but the smallest and most informal parties in her own name4 ,yet many young girls do so1 ignoring their mothers and contributing unwittingly to our national reputation for bad manners4 ,a bishop and his wife1 if they are issuing cards to a large reception1 often do it in this way3 8,the ,bishop of ,indiana and ,mrs4 ,hereford request the honor10 etc4 ,an invitation should never begin 8,you are cordially invited10 etc4 ,it should always be issued in the name of some person or persons4 8,the ,men's ,club invites you0 or 8,the ,diocesan ,society requests the honor of0 is good form4 ,,chapter ,,ii ,,cards ,,and ,,calls ,,the styles of calling-cards change from year to year1 even from season to season1 so that it is impossible to make hard-and-fast rules as to the size and thickness of the bits of pasteboard1 or the script with which they are engraved4 ,any good stationer can give one the desired information on these points4 ,in choosing a card plate it is well to select a style of script so simple yet elegant that it will not be outr several seasons hence1 unless one's purse will allow one to revise one's plate with each change of fashion4 ,it should not be necessary to remark that a printed card is an atrocity4 ,even a man's business-card should be engraved1 not printed4 99 99 99 99 99 ,it is no longer considered proper for one card to bear the husband's and wife's names together1 as was a few years ago the mode1 thus1--8,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,charles ,sprague40 ,still1 some persons have a few cards thus marked and use them in sending gifts from husband and wife4 ,as a rule1 however1 the husband's card is enclosed in an envelope with that of his wife in sending gifts1 regrets and the like4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,card ,,of ,a ,,matron ,the card of a matron bears her husband's full name unless she is a divorce1 thus1--8,mrs4 ,george ,williams ,brown40 ,even widows retain this style of address4 ,in the lower right-hand corner is the address1 and in the lower left-hand corner one's 8at home0 days are named1 as 8,tuesdays until ,lent10 or 8,wednesdays in ,february and ,march10 or 8,thursdays until ,may40 99 99 99 99 99 ,nicknames and abbreviations are for intimate use only and should never appear on cards or invitations4 ,a girl should distinguish between 8,kitty0 and 8,katharine10 8,sarah0 and 8,sallie40 ,however1 in the south many girls are christened 8,sallie10 and this is accepted as her full and proper name accordingly4 ,a young woman's cards bear her name1 8,miss ,blank10 if she be the oldest or only daughter in the family4 ,the address on her cards is in the lower left-hand corner4 ,if she has an older sister the card reads 8,miss ,mary ,hilton ,blank40 99 99 99 99 99 ,a man's card is much smaller than that of a woman and often has no address on it1 unless it be a business-card1 which must never be used for social purposes4 ,the 8,mr40 is put before the signature as1 8,mr4 ,james ,john ,smith40 ,by the time a boy is eighteen he is considered old enough to have his cards marked with the prefix 8,mr40 ,until that time1 he is1 on the rare occasions when he is formally addressed1 8,master40 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,use ,,of ,,titles ,a clergyman's card is correctly engraved thus3 8,the ,reverend ,james ,vernon ,smith40 ,a bishop is entitled to the greater distinction1 8,the ,right ,reverend40 ,a physician or a judge may use his title or not as he prefers4 ,army and navy officers invariably employ theirs except when the rank is as low as that of a lieutenant1 when the full name1 prefixed by 8,mr40 is used1 and below it1 8,lieutenant of ,third ,cavalry1 ,united ,states ,army40 99 99 99 99 99 ,a woman with a daughter-in-law moving in society in the same city as herself may with propriety have her card engraved simply 8,mrs4 ,brown40 ,or she may follow the graceful foreign custom and be known as 8,madame ,brown10 which gives a pretty touch of dignity and makes it easy for callers to designate which of the two ladies they wish to see if both are living in the same house4 ,a married woman never takes her husband's title1 no matter what that may be4 ,she is never 8,mrs4 ,judge ----0 or 8,mrs4 ,colonel ----40 ,even the president's wife is simply 8,mrs4 ,cleveland0 or 8,mrs4 ,harrison40 ,sidenote3 ,,addressing ,,the ,,president ,in direct address1 the president of the ,united ,states is 8,mr4 ,president40 ,the vice-president is 8,mr4 ----40 ,members of the cabinet are 8,secretary ,a40 or 8,secretary ,b410 when introduced1 and are addressed as 8,mr4 ,secretary40 ,senators are always addressed by their titles1 but representatives are 8,mr40 ,except in naval and military circles titles expire with office4 ,the man who was governor or mayor last year should not be introduced as 8,ex-governor ----10 8,ex-mayor ----40 99 99 99 99 99 ,perhaps there is no social obligation that is more neglected and ignored than that of calling at proper times and regular intervals4 ,in the rush and hurry of ,american life1 it is well-nigh impossible for the busy woman to perform her duty in this line unless she have a certain degree of system about it4 ,to this end she should keep a regular calling-list or book1 and pay strict heed to the debit and credit columns4 ,it will require much management and thought to arrange her visits so that they will always fall on the 8,at ,home0 days of her acquaintances4 ,when a woman has an 8,at ,home0 day it is an unwarrantable liberty for any one to call at any other time unless it be on business1 or by special invitation1 or permission4 ,as many women have the same day at home one must limit the length of a call to fifteen or twenty minutes upon a casual acquaintance1 never making it longer than half an hour even at the house of a friend4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,how ,,to ,,say ,,good-,,by ,one should learn to take one's departure on a remark of one's own1 not hurrying away the moment one's friend ceases to talk4 ,on the other hand lingering good-bys in ordinary intercourse are a mistake and suggest that one lacks the finesse necessary to manage a polite withdrawal4 ,an amusing story was told in a recent magazine--and vouched for as true--in which two young southern lads making their first formal call1 were driven to stay all night because they could not get away--they were so timid4 99 99 99 99 99 ,some persons seem to feel that there is a certain amount of pomp and circumstance about calling on an 8,at ,home0 day1 and the novice in society asks timidly what she is to do at such a time4 ,she is to do simply what she would do on any other day when she is sure of finding her hostess in and disengaged4 ,the caller hands her card to the servant opening the door2 then enters the parlor1 greets her hostess1 who will probably introduce her to any other guests who happen to be present1 unless there be a large number of these1 in which case she will probably be introduced to a few in her immediate vicinity4 ,the caller will chat for a few minutes1 take a cup of tea1 coffee or chocolate offered her1 with a biscuit1 sandwich or piece of cake1 or decline all refreshment if she prefers4 ,at the end of fifteen or twenty minutes1 she will rise1 say 8,good afternoon0 to her hostess1 murmur a 8,good afternoon0 to the company in general and take her departure4 ,if her card has not been taken by the servant who opened the door for her1 the caller may lay it on the hall table as she goes out4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,refreshments ,,for ,,callers ,when a woman is at home one day a week for several months1 she is expected to make very little preparation in the way of refreshment for her chance guests4 ,the tea tray is ready on the tea-table at one side of the room1 and upon it are cups and saucers1 teapot1 canister and hot-water kettle4 ,a plate of thin bread and butter1 or sandwiches1 or biscuits1 and another of sweet wafers or fancy cakes1 stand on this table4 ,sugar and cream and sliced lemon complete the outfit4 ,the kettle is kept boiling that fresh tea may be made when required1 and a servant enters when needed to take out the used cups4 ,if there are many callers1 the services of this maid may be required to assist in passing cups1 and sugar and cream4 ,otherwise the hostess may attend to such matters herself1 chatting pleasantly as she does so4 ,it is not incumbent on a caller to take anything to eat or drink unless she wishes to do this4 ,when one attends half-a-dozen such 8,at ,homes0 in an afternoon one would have to carry a bag like that worn by ,jack the ,giant-,killer of fairy lore1 if one were to accept refreshments at each house4 ,the hostess should1 therefore1 never insist that a guest eat and drink if she has declined to do so4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,how ,,many ,,cards ,,to ,,leave ,in calling on a married woman a matron leaves one of her own cards and two of her husband's4 ,her card is for the hostess1 one of her husband's is for the hostess and the other for the man of the house4 ,if there be several ladies in the family1 as for instance1 a mother and two daughters1 the caller leaves one of her own and one of her husband's cards for each woman1 and an extra card from her husband for each man of the household4 ,this is the general rule1 but it must have some exceptions4 ,for instance1 in a household where there are five or six women it is ridiculous to leave an entire pack of visiting-cards4 ,in this case a woman leaves her card for 8the ladies10 and leaves it with her husband's1 also for 8the ladies40 ,one of his cards is also left for the man of the family4 ,or if there be several men it may be left simply for 8the gentlemen40 ,if one knows that there is a guest staying at a house at which one calls1 one must send in one's card for this guest4 ,or1 if one have a friend staying in the same town with one1 and one calls on her1 it is a breach of good breeding not to inquire for the friend's hostess and leave a card for her whether she appear or not4 99 99 99 99 99 ,when an engagement is made known the members of the man's family should immediately call on his fiance and her family1 and a formal dinner should be given for them within two weeks4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,black-,,edged ,,card ,custom clings to the black-edged card for those in mourning4 ,it has its uses and surely its abuses4 ,for those in deep mourning it is a convenience to send in the form of regrets1 as the black edge gives sufficient reason in itself for the non-acceptance of invitations4 ,it may also be sent with gifts to friends4 ,if one uses it as a calling-card the border should be very narrow4 ,if one is in such deep mourning that one's card must appear with a half-inch of black around it1 one is certainly in too deep mourning to pay calls4 ,until the black edge can be reduced to the less ostentatious eighth-of-an-inch width1 the owner would do well to shun society4 ,nor should a black-edged card accompany an invitation to a social function4 ,several seasons ago a matron introduced to society in a large city a niece who had1 eighteen months before1 lost a brother4 ,with the hostess' invitations to the reception was enclosed the card of the young guest1 and this card had a black border an eighth of an inch wide4 ,the recipients of the invitations were to be pardoned if they wondered a bit at the incongruity of a person in mourning receiving at a large party4 ,under the circumstances she should have declined to have the social function given in her honor1 or should have laid aside her insignia of dolor4 ,if1 then1 one has reached the point where one is ready to reenter society1 let one give up the mourning-cards and again use plain white bits of pasteboard4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,calling ,,after ,a ,,death ,in calling at a house after a bereavement1 it is well1 except when the afflicted one is an intimate friend1 to leave the card with a message of sympathy at the door4 ,one may1 if one wishes1 leave flowers with the card4 ,a fortnight after the funeral one may call and ask to see the ladies of the family1 adding that if they do not feel like seeing callers they will please not think of coming down4 ,under such circumstances only a supersensitive person will be hurt by receiving the message that the ladies beg to be excused1 and that they are grateful for the kind thought that prompted the call4 ,the rule that we have just given applies to the household in which there is serious illness4 ,a call may consist of an inquiry at the door1 and leaving a card4 ,this may be accompanied by some such message as1 8,please express my sincere hope that ,mrs4 ,smith will soon be better1 and assure ,mr4 ,smith that if ,i can be of any service to him1 or ,mrs4 ,smith1 ,i shall be grateful if he will let me know40 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,making ,,party ,,calls ,one should always return a first call within three weeks after it has been made4 ,after a dinner1 luncheon or card-party1 a call must be made within a fortnight4 ,an afternoon tea requires no 8party call40 ,after a large reception one may call within the month4 ,after a wedding reception one must call within a fortnight on the mother of the bride1 and on the bride on her 8,at ,home0 day as soon as possible after her return from the wedding trip4 ,if one is in doubt as to the propriety of calling after an invitation1 it is better to err on the side of making the call4 ,one's courteous intention will surely be appreciated while not to call may seem an unpardonable omission4 99 99 99 99 99 ,in the case of an invitation extended without a first call having been made1 women sometimes express doubt as to the course they should pursue4 ,in the first place they will do well to realize that some of the people who entertain most delightfully are extremely busy people to whom the rigid routine of formal etiquette would be an intolerable burden4 ,a clever woman is known by nothing more certainly than by the unerring instinct with which she relaxes her demands in such instances4 ,if the woman who wishes to entertain encloses her own card this may be accepted as a substitute for the usual first call4 ,the social value of one dinner invitation transcends many calls4 ,even if the visiting-card is not enclosed the recipient of the invitation will--if she be a sensible woman--accept if she really wishes to do so4 ,at this point1 however1 social usage should begin to assert itself and the invited one should not fail to make the customary call of appreciation after the 8party40 ,if one does not wish to make the acquaintance offered a formal note of declination will serve to discourage further intrusion4 ,sidenote3 ,,exceptions ,,to ,,social ,,rules ,a rather surprising question sometimes asked is whether one should call after a dinner or dance invitation that has been declined4 ,certainly1 the call should be made4 ,one has been honored by one's friends and the fact that one was prevented by circumstances from actually enjoying their hospitality makes no difference whatever with one's responsibility for expressing appreciation4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a card with a message written on it fills many convenient social needs but it should never be used to take the place of a formal note4 ,so employed it suggests haste and a degree of indifference that are contrary to the best breeding4 ,the corners of cards are no longer turned down for any purpose4 ,if one1 on calling1 is told by the servant opening the door that 8,mrs4 ,brown is not at home10 this does not mean literally that ,mrs4 ,brown is of necessity out of the house1 neither does it mean that the servant has been instructed to tell an untruth4 8,not at home0 is an accepted abbreviation for 8,not at home to visitors40 ,there are those to whom the phrase will1 however1 always have a disagreeable ring1 and if ,mrs4 ,brown have more tact and originality than the conventions demand she will probably direct her maid to say instead1 8,mrs4 ,brown is not receiving to-day4 ,she receives on ,mondays40 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,who ,,should ,,call ,,first ,who calls first8 ,the custom of residents calling on the newcomer is so firmly established in almost all communities that one may wonder at the question being asked4 ,yet in ,washington--that is to say1 in official ,washington1 this custom is reversed1 and it is the newcomer who calls at the ,white ,house1 on the vice-president1 members of the cabinet1 etc4 ,in the case of the highest officials a return call is not expected but the courtesy is recognized by an invitation to some general reception4 ,sidenote3 ,,custom ,,in ,,small ,,towns ,the hours for calling vary according to the community one is in--though no afternoon call should be made before three o'clock4 ,in small towns and villages where supper is eaten at six o'clock1 one should not prolong a call after five-thirty4 ,evening calls in most ,american cities are usually made at eight o'clock or soon after1 though in large eastern places where dinner is not served until seven1 seven-thirty or eight1 the nine o'clock call is not unusual4 99 99 99 99 99 ,calls on the sick should be made with the greatest discretion4 ,one should ascertain in the first place whether or not one's friend will really be equal to seeing one1 and then stay for a few moments only4 ,sick-bed visits especially should not be allowed to become visitations4 ,many a person with a chance for recovery has literally been talked into his grave by well-meaning callers4 ,intelligent nurses will quietly ask such people to remain away4 ,,chapter ,,iii ,,letter-,,writing ,,the writing of letters1 of the good old-fashioned kind1 is rapidly becoming a thing of the past4 ,people used to write epistles4 ,now they write notes4 ,before the days of the stenographer1 the typewriter1 the telegraph and telephone1 when people made their own clothes by hand1 wove their own sheets and had no time-saving machines1 they found leisure to write epistles to their friends4 ,some of us are so fortunate as to have stowed away in an old trunk a bundle of these productions4 ,the ink is pale and the paper yellowed1 but the matter is still interesting4 ,all the news of the family1 the neighborhood gossip1 the latest sayings and doings of the children and of callers1 an account of the books read1 of the minister's last sermon and of the arrival of the newest of many olive branches1 filled pages4 ,what must these same pages have meant to the exile from home6 ,and how much there was in such letters to answer6 ,still1 even in this day and generation1 there are a few people who have so far held to the good old traditions that they write genuine letters4 ,and--wonder of wonders6--they answer questions asked them in letters written by their correspondents4 ,only those who have written questions to which they desired prompt answers1 appreciate how maddening it is to receive a letter that tells you everything except the answers to your queries4 ,and this ignoring of the epistle one is supposed to be answering is a feature of the up-to-date letter-writer4 ,there is1 even in friendly correspondence1 a right and a wrong way of doing a thing4 ,sidenote3 ,,how ,,not ,,to ,,write ,the wrong1 and well-nigh universal1 way of treating a letter is as follows3 ,it is read as rapidly as possible1 pigeonholed and forgot4 ,weeks hence1 in clearing out the desk it is found1 the handwriting recognized1 and it is laid aside to be answered later4 ,when that 8later0 comes depends on the leisure of the owner4 ,at last a so-called answer is hastily written without a second reading of the letter to which one is replying4 ,such a reply begins with an apology for a long and unavoidable silence1 an account of how cruelly busy one is nowadays1 a passing mention of the number of duties one has to perform1 a wish that the two correspondents may meet in the near future and a rushing final sentence of affection followed by the signature4 ,such is the modern letter4 ,if a correspondent is worth having1 she is worth treating fairly4 ,let her letter be read carefully1 and laid aside until such time as one can have a half-hour of uninterrupted writing4 ,then1 let the letter one would answer be read1 and the questions it contains be answered in order1 and first of all4 ,this is common courtesy4 ,after which one may write as much as time and inclination permit4 ,if one has not the time to conduct one's correspondence in this way1 let one have fewer correspondents4 ,it is more fair to them and to one's self4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,good-,,looking ,,note ,colored letter-paper is in bad form unless the color be a pale gray or a light blue4 ,from time to time1 stationers have put upon the market paper outr in design and coloring1 and the persons who have used it were just what might be expected4 ,it reminds one of what ,richard ,grant ,white said of the words 8gents0 and 8pants0--he noticed 8that the one generally wore the other40 ,so1 paper that is such bad form as this is usually used by persons who are 8bad form40 ,all good-looking notes have a considerable margin at the left hand2 punctilious people insist on a right-hand margin also4 ,sidenote3 ,,sealing ,,the ,,envelope ,plain white or cream paper of good quality is always in fashion4 ,for social correspondence this paper must be so cut that it is folded but once to be slipped into an envelope4 ,at the top of the page in the middle may be the address1 as 8#abc ,west ,barrows ,street10 and the name of the city4 ,just now1 this is the only marking that is used on the sheet1 although some persons have the initials or monogram1 or crest1 in place of the address4 ,it is no longer fashionable to have the crest or monogram and the address also4 ,the envelope is marked or not1 as one chooses4 ,the use of sealing-wax gives a touch of distinction for which a few persons still take time4 ,only white or delicately colored wax is acceptable1 unless at holiday time1 when the festive touch given by scarlet is in season4 99 99 99 99 99 ,letter-heads1 such as are used for business correspondence1 should never be used for social purposes4 ,even the business man may keep in his office desk a quire or two of plain paper upon which to write society notes and replies to invitations4 ,nor is it permissible for him to use the typewriter in inditing these4 ,all his business correspondence may be conducted with the aid of the invaluable machine1 and he may1 if he ask permission to do so1 send letters to members of his own family on the typewriter4 ,but all other correspondence should be done with pen and ink4 99 99 99 99 99 ,unfortunately1 mourning stationery is still in vogue4 ,the recipient of a black-edged letter is often conscious of a distinct shock when she first sees the emblem of dolor1 and wonders if it contains the notice of a death4 ,for this reason many considerate followers of conventionalities do not use the black-edged stationery1 but content themselves with plain white paper marked with the address or monogram in black lettering4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a social or friendly letter is frequently dated at the end1 at the left-hand lower corner of the signature4 ,a business communication is dated at the upper right-hand corner4 ,sidenote3 ,,addressing ,,business ,,firms ,the expression 8,my dear ,mr4 ,blank0 is more formal than is 8,dear ,mr4 ,blank10 and is1 therefore1 used in society notes4 ,do not--as some have done--begin 8dear0 with a capital4 ,unsophisticated persons sometimes hesitate to use the prefix 8dear10--they may be assured that in this connection it is merely a polite form1 with no sentimental flavor whatever4 ,business letters addressed to a man should begin with the name of the person to whom they are intended on one line1 the salutation on the next1 as3 8,mr4 ,john ,smith0 on the upper line1 and below this1 8,dear ,sir40 ,in addressing a firm consisting of more than one person1 write the name of the firm1 as 8,smith1 ,jones and ,company10 then below1 8,dear ,sirs40 ,the salutation 8,gentlemen0 in such a case is old-fashioned but is preferred by some ceremonious persons who also like to put 8,esq40 after a man's name on an envelope in place of putting 8,mr40 before it4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,signature ,it should be unnecessary to remind women not to preface their signatures with the title 8,mrs40 or 8,miss40 ,such a mistake stamps one as a vulgarian or an ignoramus4 ,the name in full may be signed1 as3 8,mary ,bacon ,smith40 ,if the writer be a married woman1 and the person to whom she writes does not know whether she be married or single1 she should write her husband's name with the preface 8,mrs40 below her signature1 or in the lower left-hand corner of the sheet1 as 78,mrs4 ,james ,hayes ,smith074 ,an unmarried woman will save her correspondent embarrassment by putting 8,miss ,brown0 in parentheses in this corner4 99 99 99 99 99 ,to sign one's name prefaced by the first letter is no longer considered good form4 8,j4 ,henry ,wells0 should be 8,john ,henry ,wells40 ,if one would use one initial letter instead of the full name1 let that letter be the middle initial1 as 8,john ,h4 ,wells10 or 8,j4 ,h4 ,wells40 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,postal ,,card ,i wish ,i could impress on all followers of good form that a postal card is a solecism except when used for business purposes4 ,if it is an absolute necessity to send one to a friend or a member of one's family1 as1 when stopping for a moment at a railroad station one wishes to send a line home telling of one's safety at the present stage of the journey1 the sentences should be short and to the point1 and unprefaced by an affectionate salutation4 ,all love-messages should be omitted1 as should the intimate termination that is entirely proper in a sealed letter4 8,affectionately0 or 8,lovingly0 are out of place when written upon a postal card4 ,expressions such as 8,god bless you60 or 8,i love you10 or 8,love to the dear ones10 are in shockingly bad taste except under cover of an envelope4 ,a good rule to impress on those having a penchant for the prevalent post-card is as follows3 8,use for business when brevity and simplicity are the order of the day2 never use for friendly correspondence unless the purchase of a sheet of paper1 envelope and postage stamp is an impossibility40 99 99 99 99 99 ,the friendly letter may be as long as time and inclination permit4 ,the business communication should be written in as few and clear sentences as possible4 ,some one has said that to write a model business letter one should 8begin in the middle of it40 ,in other words1 it should be unprefaced by any unnecessary sentences1 but should begin immediately on the business in hand1 continue and finish with it4 ,for such letters 8,very truly yours0 is the correct ending1 unless1 as in the case of a man or firm addressing a letter to a person totally unknown to the writer1 and of marked eminence1 when the expression 8,respectfully yours0 may be used4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,letters ,,of ,,condolence ,many people consider letters of congratulation and condolence the most difficult to write4 ,this is because one feels that a certain kind of form is necessary and that conventional and stilted phrases are proper under the circumstances4 ,this is a mistake1 for1 going on the almost unfailing principle that what comes from the heart1 goes to the heart1 the best form to be used toward those in sorrow or joy is a genuine expression of feeling4 ,if you are sorry for a friend1 write to her that you are1 and that you are thinking of her and longing to help her4 ,if you are happy in her happiness1 say so as cordially as words can express it4 99 99 99 99 99 ,it happens now and then that even the quietest person wishes to write to a man of political prominence4 ,such persons1 whether they be diplomats or members of ,congress1 may properly be addressed as 8,honorable ,mr4 ----40 ,the president is 8,the ,honorable1 the ,president of the ,united ,states40 ,to use the article before the title is more elegant4 ,bishops of any church are entitled to the prefix1 8,the ,right ,reverend40 ,in conversation1 the rector of a 8high0 ,episcopal church is often affectionately addressed as 8,father ----10 but this form of greeting would not be used on an envelope4 ,the dean of a cathedral should be addressed as 8,the ,very ,reverend ----40 99 99 99 99 99 ,very small paper and envelopes for society notes are less used than formerly1 many persons preferring what are called correspondence cards1 heavy cream-white single cards on which a few lines may be written and which are slipped into their envelopes without folding4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,letters ,,of ,,introduction ,letters of introduction should bear on the outside of the envelope1 in the lower left-hand corner the words1 8,introducing ,miss ----10 in order that the two thus brought together may be saved any momentary embarrassment4 ,they should not be sealed4 ,one should be very careful not to give these letters unless one is reasonably warranted in making a demand on the time and courtesy of the person on whom one is making the social draft4 ,to give one's card by way of introduction makes less of a demand on one's friend than does a letter4 ,a woman does not present a letter of introduction in person2 a man does4 ,when one avails one's self of a member of one's family or a friend as messenger1 one should write on the envelope in the lower left-hand corner1 8,kindness of ,mary0 or 8,politeness of ,miss ,briggs40 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,enclosing ,a ,,stamp ,we can not close this chapter on letter-writing without a word to the person who writes a letter asking a question on his own business1 and fails to enclose a stamp4 ,this is equivalent to asking the recipient on whom one has no claim to give one the time required for writing an answer to one's query1 and a two-cent stamp as well4 ,when the matter on which one writes is essentially one's own business1 and not that of the person to whom one writes and from whom one demands a reply1 one should always enclose a stamp1 thus making the favor one asks of the least possible trouble to one's correspondent4 ,some people enclose a stamped and self-addressed envelope but as the other person's paper may not fit the envelope1 the well-meant courtesy often defeats itself4 ,sidenote3 ,,promptness ,,in ,,answering ,in all business and society correspondence a letter should be answered as soon as possible after it is received4 ,one may afford to take a certain amount of liberty with one's friends1 and lay aside a letter for some days before answering it4 ,but the acceptance or declinature of an invitation1 and the answer to a business communication1 should be sent with as little delay as possible4 ,,chapter ,,iv ,,introductions ,,this matter of introductions is one rather too lightly considered on our free ,american soil4 ,unless the social exigencies are such as to make the atmosphere formal and unpleasant if people are unknown to each other1 it is taking a liberty to present a man to a woman without first and privately asking her permission4 ,it is a woman's privilege to decline or to accept masculine acquaintance as she chooses4 ,if she grants permission for the introduction1 the person who has asked such permission brings the man in question to her and says3 8,miss ,a41 may ,i have the pleasure of presenting ,mr4 ,b4 to you80 ,we have all been witnesses at some time or other of that most unconventional performance where the woman in the case allows herself to be dragged across the floor to the man concerned4 ,we have all1 on occasion1 heard the proper form so twisted as to make the woman the person presented instead of the man4 ,this is the worst sort of no-form4 ,the social convention prescribes that the man shall take the initiative in requesting the introduction1 that he shall seek the lady1 that he shall be the person presented4 ,sidenote3 ,,introducing ,,one',s ,,husband ,an ,american woman in presenting her husband will usually say1 8,my husband1 ,mr4 ,smith40 ,an ,english woman would be more formal4 ,she would say simply1 8,mr4 ,smith40 ,when a man is presented to a woman1 if she is seated she need not rise but may merely bow4 ,in case the man is distinguished or elderly or if he be a warm friend of her husband1 or her guest1 she will rise and shake hands4 99 99 99 99 99 ,never awkwardly drag a newcomer around to every person in a large circle4 ,introduce him to several of those nearest and later such further introductions as are desirable will naturally follow4 ,when the group includes a half-dozen only1 it is necessary to introduce all round4 ,in this case the ceremony may be gracefully shortened by repeating two or three names together1 thus3 8,mrs4 ,brown1 ,mrs4 ,smith1 may ,i present ,mr4 ,james80 ,never introduce your sister or your daughter1 if she be grown1 merely as such4 ,the other person will be confused1 not knowing whether the one introduced is married or single1 and hence in doubt as to what name to use4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,clerical ,,introductions ,at a reception given to an archbishop of the ,roman ,catholic church1 it is customary for devout ,catholics to kiss the ring but ,protestants may merely shake hands4 ,a cardinal ranks as a prince of the ,roman ,catholic church and is addressed as 8,his ,eminence40 ,women as well as men are presented to him1 not he to them4 ,a woman is also presented to a bishop4 ,when two women of about equal age and importance are to be introduced merely mention the two names1 thus3 8,mrs4 ,a41 ,mrs4 ,b40 ,the general rule in all introductions is to present the woman to the man1 the young man or young woman to the elderly1 the unmarried woman to the matron1 when of about the same age4 ,one may say 8,may ,i present0 or with two men of near the same age1 8,i want you to know40 ,never say1 8,let me make you acquainted with40 ,that is provincial4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,addressing ,,the ,,queen ,the ,american who goes abroad expecting to be presented at court must1 of course1 acquaint himself with the etiquette of that court4 ,he will receive such advice as he needs from his ambassador but it may be useful for him to know ahead of time some of the things that are required of him1 or more precisely of her1 for court presentations are much more coveted and sought after by ,american women than by men4 ,however1 it is understood that a man whose wife has been presented is himself eligible to attend the king's next reception for gentlemen only4 ,the ,english queen is addressed simply as 8,ma'am0 by all ,americans who have the honor of presentation4 ,king ,george would be addressed as 8,sir40 ,the ,prince of ,wales is 8,prince0 and his wife 8,princess40 ,the phrase 8,your ,majesty0 is reserved for use by the lower ,english classes4 ,an ,american1 by virtue of his having no rank at all1 takes rank with the highest when he is introduced at court4 ,a duke is addressed simply as 8,duke10 and a marquis by his title1 8,lord ----40 ,the daughters of dukes1 marquises and earls must be given their ,christian names1 as 8,lady ,mary ,towers40 ,the sons should be addressed as 8,lord ,john ,towers10 8,lord ,henry ,towers40 ,an archbishop is properly addressed as 8,your ,grace0 or 8,my ,lord10 but his wife is plain 8,mrs4 ----40 ,members of foreign royal families have the title of 8,prince0 and 8,princess40 ,a baron visiting in this country would be presented to the ,american ladies he meets quite like any other gentleman1 and his wife would not take precedence of them unless she happened to be elderly4 99 99 99 99 99 ,when in a friend's house one should bear in mind that introductions are the natural prerogative of the host and the hostess4 ,one should not1 however1 allow an awkward situation to develop from a too rigid observance of this rule4 ,sidenote3 ,,professional ,,men ,remember that many professional men do not like to be called 8,professor0 because of the cheap ways in which this title has in recent years been used4 ,by a little tact in individual instances one can learn which is preferred--8,professor10 or 8,mr410 or 8,doctor10 if the person in question be entitled to that distinction4 ,in making introductions a clever man or woman often adds a word of comment that will help the two meeting to start their acquaintance on a friendly and intelligent basis4 ,,chapter ,v ,,after ,,six ,o',,clock ,,for most of us the active business of the day is over at sundown4 ,mothers of large families1 physicians and occasionally other workers are employed over time2 but most of us can count on leisure after six o'clock4 ,much of our happiness depends upon how this leisure is employed4 ,that it should afford recreation of one sort or another is a commonly accepted opinion1 though one that is accepted usually without appreciation of the obligations involved4 ,recreation implies something more than idleness4 ,one can not be amused in any worth-while sense without sitting up and paying attention4 ,foreigners complain habitually that ,americans take their pleasure sadly1 that they do not go in for gaiety with spirit4 ,we are much more vital in our attitude toward work than toward play4 ,we know that we must pay for success in labor of any sort1 but the debt we owe to amusement is a point not yet so widely grasped4 ,pleasure is shy of the person who makes only occasional advances to her4 ,she must be courted habitually in order to give a full return4 ,we are all acquainted with the dull unhappy appearance of the sedulous man of business off for a rare holiday4 ,he is out of his element4 ,he knows how to behave himself at work but he is not acquainted with the fundamental principles of having a good time4 ,these can not be learned in a minute4 ,one must have practise in enjoyment in order to carry off the matter easily2 and this practise should be a habit of every-day life4 ,many people who stand shyly off from the delights of the world and wonder why they are deprived of them1 fail to realize that diversion of any sort worthy the name1 is a thing for which one must make some effort4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,home ,,festivity ,it is at home that one should cultivate the graces that make one attractive abroad2 and this is only preliminary to saying that planning for the every-day recreation of a household should be as much a matter of course as devising ways and means for the purchase of food and clothing4 ,the first requisite for bringing about an atmosphere of festivity and good cheer at home is to adopt in some degree the methods that one uses away from home4 ,if one is invited out to dinner1 one makes some preparation for it1 and so one should do for dinner at home4 ,externals have much to do with coaxing gaiety to live as a guest in the house4 ,a pretty table and food managed with some regard to esthetic values as well as to the palatable quality1 have a happy effect upon the mind and temper of the diners4 ,a few flowers properly distributed assist still further4 ,if all the inmates of a house are in the habit1 as they should be1 of making some change in their toilet for dinner1 this of itself makes a sharp line of demarcation between the work-time and the play-time of the twenty-four hours4 ,the hint of festivity in attire induces a happy and a festive frame of mind1 imparts just that touch of difference from the habit of prosaic daylight necessary to send the mind sailing off into pleasant channels4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,home ,,dinner ,the care for the dinner-table1 for the personal appearance and1 generally speaking1 for pretty environment implies effort4 ,lazy people can not hope for these delightful effects of a material kind4 ,neither can they expect the happiness which comes to those who take some pains at home for the mental entertainment of themselves and their household4 ,there are many people who regard it as deceitful and insincere to forecast what one shall talk about and it is quite true that formally planned talk is a foe to spontaneity and naturalness4 ,but usually the man or woman who entertains by his conversation is the person who1 in a general way1 has taken some thought about what he shall say4 ,given the opportunity1 conversation1 charming in its spontaneity1 rises out of the mental habit of noting down for future reference pleasant or odd personal experiences1 good stories1 the quirks in one's own mind4 ,one must not intrude these in a place where they do not fit1 but it is not in the least a social sin to guide the talk toward your own thought provided you do not thereby push out something better4 ,we are all given tongues and with them a certain conversational responsibility4 ,if each member of the family made it his business and his pleasure during the day to remember the best part of his experience that he might relate it at the dinner-hour some part of that gloom which descends upon so many ,american families at the evening meal would be dissipated4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,time ,,for ,,play ,if one cultivates the prettier touches of personal appearance for that part of the day after six o'clock1 whether at home or abroad1 one should also cultivate the pleasanter and more agreeable states of mind4 ,business should be put behind one4 ,the petty cares of the day should go unmentioned4 ,the ills of body and mind should be1 as far as possible1 forgot4 ,those little courtesies and formalities of manner that we admire in the practised man or woman of society are as decorative at home as away and equally creative of a festive atmosphere4 ,in one of the magazines of the last decade there is a homely effective story of a young girl1 just home from a house-party and full of its gaiety1 to whom the idea occurred that the methods employed by her hostess might make a delightful week in her own large family circle4 ,she took the matter in hand1 and invited her mother to be the guest of honor for the seven days4 ,some entertainment was planned for each evening in the week1 sometimes with visitors and sometimes not4 ,the women of the family wore their best frocks frequently during the week4 ,the prettiest china and the best silver were used as freely as if for company4 ,the result of it all was that the family voted visiting at home a signal success4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,games ,,as ,a ,,pastime ,there are many specific ways of providing amusement for evenings at home4 ,one has space only for the mention of a few of these in a short article on the subject4 ,games of various kinds are an excellent resource for making the after-dinner time pass pleasantly4 ,they cultivate quickness of decision1 sociability1 a friendly rivalry4 ,success in games is partly a matter of chance but much more of attention and skill4 ,many people sniff at them who are too lazy to make the conquest of their methods4 ,charades1 of which ,english people never grow tired1 as a means of diversion1 have their ups and downs in the more quickly changing fashions of ,america4 ,they provide one of the easiest and merriest means of entertainment4 ,they may be of any degree of simplicity or elaboration1 and they call forth as much or as little ingenuity as is possessed by the actors in any given case4 ,they are usually popular because almost everybody has latent a little talent for the actor's art at which he is willing to try his luck4 ,many people who are afraid to join in formal theatricals find an outlet for this taste in charades2 and so informal usually is this kind of entertainment that the spectators enjoy the acting whether well done or otherwise4 ,it is enough to see one's friends and acquaintances struggling with a part4 ,if well done1 one enjoys the success2 if not1 one applauds the absurdity of the conception4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,reading ,,aloud ,reading aloud to a congenial home party has much to be said in its favor1 in spite of its present reputation as a stupid means of passing an evening4 8,the world may be divided into two classes10 runs an old and favorably known joke1 8those who like reading aloud and those who do not4 ,those who like it are those who do the reading2 those who dislike it are those who do the listening40 ,the half-truth in this witticism must not be accepted for more than it is worth4 ,as an occasional means of passing an evening1 reading aloud is diverting and stimulating4 ,the habit of spending one's evenings in that way is not an encouragement to variety and liveliness of mind4 ,one gets into the way of depending upon the author in hand for entertainment instead of depending upon the action of one's own mind4 ,small doses of reading aloud are good4 ,continual doses are fatal to a proper social ideal4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,popular ,,house ,the people who make their own houses a center of attraction are1 generally speaking1 happy people4 ,the house where the evening is accepted as a time of diversion is the popular house4 ,the atmosphere there begets gaiety and naturalness of manner4 ,we have all had the experience of making evening calls where we were compelled to stand in the hall till the gas was lighted in the drawing-room or the electricity turned on1 where we must pass a dreary fifteen minutes before the members of the family are ready to receive4 ,this kind of preliminary puts a damper upon the spirits of host and guests from which they do not easily recover4 ,to be ready for pleasant evenings1 to meet them half-way by one's attitude is a good recipe for insuring their arrival4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,sunday ,,night ,,supper ,a pleasant and informal method of insuring good times in one's own house is to make a feature of the ,sunday night supper4 ,this is not so formal or expensive a mode of entertainment as dinner-giving4 ,it is a jolly and pleasant method4 ,one may have everything in the way of edibles prepared for the meal in the morning except perhaps one article to be made on the chafing-dish4 ,one may serve this meal with or without servants4 ,often the guests enjoy the freedom implied in helping the hostess carry off successfully the details of serving4 ,the ,sunday evening supper is one of those festivities that imply some elasticity in numbers4 ,this is the sort of meal to which the unexpected guest is welcome1 at which the person who 8happens in0 may feel entirely at ease4 ,where there are young people in the house1 the ,sunday night supper is an especially popular institution4 ,they appreciate the delights of entertaining without the care or the formality of more elaborate functions4 ,sidenote3 ,,practising ,,courtesy ,the ways of enjoying life away from home after six o'clock in the evening1 readily suggest themselves4 ,there are the various functions to which one is invited4 ,there is the theater1 the most delightful of resources1 but unfortunately one which by reason of its expense is available frequently only by the rich4 ,receptions1 dinners1 card-parties and the theater all go to make this earth a more agreeable place to those who have the social instinct4 ,but it must never be forgot that the fundamental place for the cultivation of this instinct is at home1 which is the practise ground for formal and general society4 ,,chapter ,,vi ,,functions ,,the rules that apply to a dinner hold good at a luncheon1 to which function ladies only are usually invited1 although when served at twelve o'clock1 and called 8breakfast10 men are also bidden4 ,at a luncheon the women leave their coats in the dressing-room1 wearing their hats and gloves to the table4 ,the gloves are drawn off as soon as all are seated4 ,just why women elect to sit through an entire meal in a private house with their hats on is not readily explained and some independent hostesses request that hats be removed4 ,but if they are retained1 the gloves also should be worn to the table1 not taken off up-stairs1 as is often done4 ,when the gloves are long1 some women merely pull off the lower part and tuck it into the wrist1 an ugly habit4 99 99 99 99 99 ,in giving luncheons1 hostesses with beautifully polished tables often prefer to use doilies of linen or lace instead of a cloth4 ,more precise women never serve a meal without using a table-cloth1 but from an artistic point of view the shining surface of bare mahogany is charming4 ,luncheon guests should remember that their hostess may have engagements for the late afternoon1 and not ordinarily prolong their stay after three o'clock--if luncheon has been at one4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,formal ,,receptions ,at an evening reception1 the guests ascend to the dressing-rooms1 if they wish1 or may leave wraps in the hall1 if a servant be there to take them4 ,when one comes in a carriage with only an opera wrap over a reception gown1 it is hardly worth while to mount the stairs4 ,but this must be decided by the arrangements made by the entertainers4 ,before one enters the drawing-room one deposits one's cards on the salver on the hall table4 ,if there be a servant announcing guests the new arrival gives his name clearly and distinctly to this functionary1 who repeats it in such a tone that those receiving may hear it4 ,the guest enters the parlors at this moment1 proceeds directly to his hostess1 and after greeting her1 speaks with each person receiving with her4 ,he then passes on and mingles with the rest of the company4 99 99 99 99 99 ,an afternoon reception is conducted in the same manner1 the only difference being that1 at an evening function refreshments are more elaborate than at an afternoon affair1 and frequently the guests repair to the dining-room1 if this be large4 ,at some day receptions1 this is also done1 but at a tea refreshments are usually passed in the drawing-rooms4 ,a friend of the hostess usually pours the tea and the chocolate1 and other friends are asked to assist4 ,at successful receptions these ladies do not seek their especial friends among the guests1 but are rather on the lookout for any who may be strange or timid4 ,sidenote3 ,,correct ,,afternoon ,,dress ,refreshments so elaborate that they will spoil the appetite for dinner are not to be served at afternoon affairs4 ,at the tea proper1 only tea1 bread and butter and little cakes are offered4 ,if more than this is served the occasion is more properly called a reception4 ,in any case the entertainment given in the afternoon should not take on the elaborate nature of an evening party and only in provincial communities is it allowed to do this4 ,many women in such places do not properly distinguish between afternoon and evening dress4 ,while a woman may suitably wear before six a gown slightly low in the neck1 she should not until after that hour wear one that is lower or whose sleeves do not come to the elbow4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the 8high tea0 is a sit-down affair1 really a very late luncheon4 ,it is said to have originated in ,philadelphia and is1 as one would expect1 a formal stately affair with an elaborate menu4 ,the guests have a delightful time--but do not want any dinner that evening4 ,sidenote3 ,,how ,,to ,,revive ,,flowers ,it is useful to know that when on the afternoon of a reception or dinner flowers intended for decoration arrive from the florist in a wilted condition they may often be revived by plunging the stems in boiling water4 ,at a very large reception it is not now required that one force one's self on the attention of the hostess for the sake of taking formal leave4 ,one may instead depart whenever one is ready to do so4 99 99 99 99 99 ,music at a reception should not be so loud as to make talking difficult4 ,in any but the largest houses a harp stationed in a side room or hall is ample4 ,foreigners find our babel of voices at such affairs subjects of criticism but often indeed one must shout if one is to be heard4 ,oliver ,wendell ,holmes is said to have described the average afternoon tea in four words1 thus3 8,gibble1 gabble1 gobble1 git40 ,it can not be denied that they often merit the satire4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,coming-,,out ,,party ,the 8coming-out0 party or reception1 at which the dbutante makes her entrance in the world of society1 is conducted as is any other reception1 but the dbutante stands by her mother and receives with her4 ,each guest speaks some pleasant word of congratulation on shaking hands with the girl4 ,her dress should be exquisite1 and she should carry flowers4 ,these flowers are usually sent to her4 ,when more are received than she can carry1 they are placed about the room4 ,if the coming-out party be in the evening1 it is often followed by a dance for the young people4 ,in sending out invitations for such an affair1 the daughter's card is enclosed with that of the mother1 or her name is engraved below that of her mother on the latter's card4 ,one may leave such a function as has just been described as soon as one likes1 and may take refreshments or not as one wishes4 ,just before departing the guest says good night to his hosts4 ,the hour at which one goes to a reception may be at any time between the hours named on the cards issued4 ,one should never go too early1 or1 if it can be avoided1 on the stroke of the first hour mentioned4 ,if the cards read 8eight-thirty to eleven o'clock10 any time after nine o'clock will be proper and one will then be pretty sure not to be the first arrival of the company4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a card-party is a function at which one should arrive with reasonable promptness4 ,if the invitations call for eight-thirty1 one must try not to be more than ten or fifteen minutes late1 as the starting of the game will be thus delayed and the hostess inconvenienced4 ,after the game is ended1 refreshments are served1 and as soon after that as one pleases one may take one's departure4 ,sidenote3 ,,serenity ,,at ,,cards ,it is surprising how many people1 at other times well-bred1 quite lose their tempers at bridge or whist4 ,the scent of a prize seems to arouse in them a spirit of vulgarity one would not discredit them with possessing if one met them away from the card table4 ,the only proper attitude in all games is one or serenity and courtesy no matter what unspeakable blunders your partner may commit4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the same rule of promptness applies to a musicale4 ,after greeting the hostess1 guests take the seats assigned to them1 and chat with those persons near them until the program is begun4 ,during the music not a word should be spoken4 ,if one has no love for music1 let consideration for others cause one to be silent4 ,if this is impossible1 it is less unkind to send a regret than to attend and by so doing mar others' enjoyment of a musical feast4 99 99 99 99 99 ,at a ball or large dance1 one may arrive when one wishes4 ,the ladies are shown to the dressing-room1 then meet their escorts at the head of the stairs and descend to the drawing-rooms or dance-hall4 ,here the host and hostess greet one1 after which one mingles with the company4 ,sidenote3 ,,filling ,,dance ,,programs ,at a formal dance1 programs or orders of dance are provided1 each man and each woman receiving one as he or she leaves the dressing-room or enters the drawing-room4 ,upon this card a woman has inscribed the names of the various men who ask for dances4 ,as each man approaches her with the request that he be given a dance1 she hands him her card and he writes his name on it1 then writes her name on the corresponding blank on his own card4 ,as he returns her program to her the man should say 8,thank you60 ,the woman may bow slightly and smile or repeat the same words4 ,no woman versed in the ways of polite society will give a dance promised to one man to another1 unless the first man be so crassly ignorant or careless as to neglect to come for it4 ,should a man be guilty of this rudeness he can only humbly apologize and explain his mistake1 begging to be taken again into favor4 ,if he be sincere the woman must1 by the laws of good breeding1 consent to overlook his lapse1 but she need not give him the next dance he asks for unless she believes him to be excusable4 ,a man invited to a dance will properly pay particular attention to the young ladies of the family whose guest he is1 and will not neglect to ask their mother for one number if she be dancing4 ,a convenient phrase covering any doubt as to whether a girl or woman wishes to take active part in the festivities is1 8,are you dancing to-night80 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,hostess ,,at ,a ,,dance ,the hostess at a dance must deny herself all dancing1 unless her guests are provided with partners--or1 at least1 she should not dance during the first part of the evening if other women are unsupplied with partners4 ,at a large ball the hostess frequently has a floor committee of her men friends to see that sets are formed and that partners are provided for comparative strangers4 ,no hirelings will do this so skilfully or with so much tact as will the personal friends of the entertainers4 ,a young girl may1 after a dance1 ask to be taken to her chaperon1 or to some other friend4 ,she should1 soon after the dance given to one man1 dismiss him pleasantly1 that he may ascertain the whereabouts of his next partner before the beginning of the next dance4 99 99 99 99 99 ,at a small house dance or other informal party the hostess sometimes provides for the proper attendance for the girls going home but it is not often wise to depend on this4 ,a girl1 if she is going to the home of an intimate friend1 need not have a chaperon1 but she should arrange that some one call for her and thus relieve her hostess of what is sometimes a trying responsibility4 ,if the guest be a mature woman she may enjoy absolute independence by taking a cab4 ,the etiquette governing weddings and wedding receptions will be explained in the chapters on 8,weddings40 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,engaged ,,couple ,in our foremothers' day the publicity of the declared engagement was a thing unknown4 ,now1 the behavior of the affianced pair and what is due to them from society deserve a page of their own4 ,perhaps the most ill-at-ease couple are the newly-married1 but the engaged couple presses them hard in this line4 ,to behave well under the trying conditions attendant upon a recently-announced engagement demands tact and unselfishness4 ,it should not be necessary to remind any well-bred girl or man that public exhibitions of affection are vulgar1 or that self-absorption1 or absorption in each other1 is in wretched taste4 ,the girl should act toward her betrothed in company as if he were her brother or any trusted man friend1 avoiding all low-voiced or seemingly confidential conversation4 ,the man1 while attentive to every want and wish of the woman he loves1 must still mingle with others and talk with them1 forcing himself1 if necessary1 to recollect that there are other women in the world besides the one of his choice4 ,the fact that romantic young people and critical older ones are watching the behavior of the newly-engaged pair and commenting mentally thereon1 is naturally a source of embarrassment to those most nearly concerned in the matter4 ,but let each remember that people are becoming engaged each hour1 that no strange outward transformation has come over them1 and that all evidences of the marvelous change which each may feel has transformed life for him or her may be shown when they are in private4 ,if they love each other1 their happiness is too sacred a thing to be dragged forth for public view4 ,it is customary1 when an engagement is announced1 for the friends of the happy girl to send her flowers1 or some dainty betrothal gift4 ,she must acknowledge each of these by a note of thanks and appreciation4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,announcing ,,engagements ,it is not good form for a girl to announce her own engagement1 except to her own family and dear friends4 ,a friend of the family may do this1 either at a luncheon or party given for this purpose1 or by mentioning it to the persons who will be interested in the pleasant news4 ,when a girl is congratulated1 she should smile frankly and say 8,thank you60 ,she should drill herself not to appear uncomfortably embarrassed4 ,the same rule applies to the happy man4 ,the conventional diamond solitaire ring is not worn until the engagement is announced4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,wedding ,,anniversaries ,the happily married often consider the ,great ,event of their lives of sufficient interest to the world-at-large to be commemorated by yearly festivities4 ,cards for wedding anniversaries bear the names of the married pair1 the hours of the reception to be given and the two dates1 thus3 ,june #ae1 #ahhj----;,june #ae1 #aije4 ,if the anniversary be the ,silver ,wedding the script may be in silver2 if a ,golden ,wedding1 in gilt4 ,wooden ,wedding invitations1 engraved or written on paper in close imitation of birch bark1 are pretty4 ,at one such affair all decorations were of shavings1 and the refreshments were served on wooden plates4 ,the ,wooden ,wedding is celebrated after an interval of five years4 ,at a ,tin ,wedding1 tinware was used extensively1 even the punch being taken from small tin cups and dippers4 ,this wedding marks the flight of ten years of married life4 ,the reception is usually held in the evening1 and husband and wife receive together1 and1 if refreshments are served at tables1 they sit side by side4 ,it is proper to send an anniversary present suitable to the occasion4 ,such a gift is accompanied by a card bearing the name of the sender1 and the word 8,congratulations40 ,it is customary to send such a gift only a day or two before the celebration of the anniversary4 ,an anniversary reception is just like a reception given at any other time1 and rules for conducting such a one apply to this affair4 ,to repeat the wedding ceremony1 as is sometimes done1 is in bad taste4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,christening ,,parties ,in close sequence to weddings and wedding anniversaries we give a few general directions for the conduct of christening-parties4 ,as the small infant is supposed to be asleep early in the evening1 the christening ceremony should take place in the morning or afternoon4 ,as it is not always convenient for the business men of the family to get off in the daytime on week days1 ,sunday afternoon is often chosen for such an affair4 ,every prayer-book contains a description of the duties of godfathers and godmothers1 if one belongs to a church having such4 ,if not1 the father holds the child1 and the father and mother take upon them the vows of the church to which they belong4 ,after the religious service the little one is passed about among the guests1 and is then taken by the nurse to the upper regions1 while those assembled in its honor regale the inner man with refreshments provided for the occasion4 ,the godfather and godmother make a gift to the child--usually some piece of silver or jewelry4 ,this is displayed on a table in the drawing-room with any other presents that the invited guests may bring or send4 ,it is the proper thing for the guests to congratulate the parents on the acquisition to the family and to wish the child health and happiness4 ,handsome calling gowns are en rgle at a christening4 99 99 99 99 99 ,refreshments are often served en buffet at home weddings and at receptions but there is always some awkwardness attached to this method4 ,to provide small tables for one's guests to be seated at is much the better way when it is practicable4 ,you will seem more hospitable and your guest will be more comfortable4 ,the person who eats standing always has a catch-a-train look4 ,sidenote3 ,,taking ,,leave ,if obliged for any reason to leave unusually early at any party1 go as quietly as possible4 ,no hostess likes to have her entertainment broken off unseasonably4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,margin ,,of ,,manners ,never hesitate at any social gathering to speak pleasantly to any one you chance to be thrown with or to respond to any one who speaks to you1 even though no introduction has taken place4 ,in ,england1 few formal introductions are made1--as the phrase goes1 8the roof is the introduction40 ,a passing courtesy of this sort commits you to nothing while it has a broad social value4 ,never indulge in snubs4 ,if you are open to no higher appeal1 remember that it pays to be civil all round4 ,james has spoken of 8the margin of manners10--it is a useful asset4 99 99 99 99 99 ,in recent years it has become permissible for the woman who wishes to give a large entertainment to do it at a club-house or in a hotel ballroom hired for the occasion4 ,frequently the room is made more attractive by the addition of rugs and other furnishings from the home of the hostess4 ,while the hired hall is a convenience1 and to the woman living in an apartment a necessity for receptions and dances1 it can never take in elegance and the spirit of true hospitality the place of entertaining under one's roof4 ,when one sees women of wealth and leisure resort to it--8,because it saves bother1 you know0--one feels that these women must regard the events of social life as disagreeable duties rather than delightful opportunities4 99 99 99 99 99 ,with us 8,bonnets before six but not after0 is the rule1 and this is also the custom in ,england4 ,but at formal receptions in the evening in ,france the hat is retained4 ,the combination of picture-hat and low-cut gown is particularly attractive and one wishes that ,american women would occasionally1 at least1 copy it4 ,sidenote3 ,,have ,,plenty ,,of ,,chairs ,if you give a musicale be sure you provide plenty of chairs4 ,to do this one must1 unfortunately1 rent folding chairs and these always have a slight funereal aspect4 ,but that is better than compelling people to stand4 ,one wonders why women of large means1 who entertain on a corresponding scale1 do not buy several dozen of these chairs and stain them dark4 ,a woman who spoke of a certain house as hospitable in appearance1 being asked what she meant1 answered1 8,there are so many places in it to sit40 ,a woman who is not willing to take the trouble to be a hostess should not ask people to her house4 ,in order to make even a simple entertainment a success it is necessary that there should be a directing though quiet influence4 ,some women are too strenuous as hostesses1 others are merely guests at their own parties4 ,here as elsewhere there is a medium course that is most to be desired4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,ideal ,,society ,the spirit of an ideal society has been well expressed by ,amiel in his famous ,journal3 8,in society people are expected to behave as if they lived on ambrosia and concerned themselves with nothing but the loftiest interests4 ,anxiety1 need1 passion1 have no existence4 ,all realism is suppressed as brutal4 ,in a word1 what we call #8society' proceeds for the moment on the flattering illusory assumption that it is moving in an ethereal atmosphere and breathing the air of the gods4 ,all vehemence1 all natural expression1 all real suffering1 all careless familiarity1 or any frank sign of passion1 are startling and distasteful in this delicate milieu2 they at once destroy the common work1 the cloud palace1 the magical architectural whole1 which has been raised by the general consent and effort4 ,it is like the sharp cock-crow which breaks the spell of all enchantments1 and puts the fairies to flight4 ,these select gatherings produce1 without knowing it1 a sort of concert for eyes and ears1 an improvised work of art4 ,by the instinctive collaboration of everybody concerned1 intellect and taste hold festival1 and the associations of reality are exchanged for the associations of imagination4 ,so understood1 society is a form of poetry2 the cultivated classes deliberately recompose the idyll of the past and the buried world of ,astrea4 ,paradox or no1 ,i believe that these fugitive attempts to reconstruct a dream whose only end is beauty represent confused reminiscences of an age of gold haunting the human heart1 or rather aspirations toward a harmony of things which every-day reality denies to us1 and of which art alone gives us a glimpse40 ,sidenote3 ,a ,,perfect ,,social ,,group ,speaking of a certain soire1 the same writer emphasizes the fact that the most beautiful social groups are not confined to any one age or sex4 8,about thirty people representing our best society were there1 a happy mixture of sexes and ages4 ,there were gray heads1 young girls1 bright faces--the whole framed in some ,aubusson tapestries which made a charming background1 and gave a soft air of distances to the brilliantly-dressed groups40 ,,chapter ,,vii ,,the ,,home ,,wedding ,,to a home wedding1 invitations may be issued two weeks in advance4 ,their style depends upon how formal the function is to be4 ,if a quiet family affair1 the notes of invitation may be written in the first person by the bride's mother1 as3 8,my ,dear ,mary3 8,helen and ,mr4 ,jones are to be married on ,wednesday1 ,october the thirteenth1 at four o'clock4 ,the marriage will be very quiet1 with none but the family and most intimate friends present4 ,we hope that you will be of that number4 ,helen sends her love and begs that you will come to see her married4 8,faithfully yours1 0,joanna ,smith40 ,this kind of note is1 of course1 only permissible for the most informal affairs4 ,for the usual home marriage1 cards1 which read as follows1 may be issued3 8,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,nelson ,brown request the pleasure of ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,blank's company at the marriage of their daughter on the afternoon of ,wednesday1 the thirteenth of ,october1 at four o'clock1 at ,one hundred and forty-four ,madison ,square1 ,boston40 ,or the invitations may read3 8,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,nelson ,brown request the pleasure of your company at the marriage of their daughter1 ,helen ,adams1 to ,mr4 ,charles ,sprague1 on ,tuesday afternoon1 ,october the thirteenth1 at four o'clock40 8,r4 s4 v4 p40 may be added if desired4 ,some people prefer to 8request the honor of10 etc41 as more elegant4 ,sidenote3 ,,wedding ,,cards ,wedding-cards are enclosed in two envelopes1 with the inner one bearing the name only and left unsealed4 ,sunday weddings are not good form1 and ,friday is1 owing to the old superstition1 not popular4 ,probably more weddings take place on ,wednesday than on any other day4 99 99 99 99 99 ,at a home wedding1 the bride often has but one girl attendant1 and that one is the maid of honor4 ,the bride tells her what kind of dress she wishes her to wear1 and the bridegroom provides her bouquet for her4 ,he also sends the bride her bouquet4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,matter ,,of ,,expenses ,the wedding expenses of the bridegroom are the flowers for the bride and her maid of honor or bridesmaids1 the carriage in which he takes his bride to the train1 the carriages for best man and ushers1 and the clergyman's fee4 ,besides this1 he usually provides his ushers and best man with a scarf-pin4 ,in some cases he gives these attendants also their gloves and ties2 sometimes he does not4 ,the bride's family pays all other expenses1 including the decorating of the house1 the invitations and announcement cards and the caterer4 ,if guests from a distance are to be met at the train by carriages1 the bride's father pays for these4 99 99 99 99 99 ,we will suppose that at the house wedding with which we have to do the only attendants are the best man1 two ushers and the maid of honor1 and that the ceremony is at high noon1 or twelve o'clock4 ,the matter of lights at this function is largely a question of taste4 ,if the day be brilliantly clear1 it seems a pity to shut the glorious sunshine from the house4 ,therefore many brides decline to have the curtains drawn at the noon hour4 ,many persons prefer the light from the shaded lamps and candles1 as being more becoming than the glare of day4 ,the wedding-breakfast is provided by a caterer always when such a thing is possible4 ,it may consist of iced or jellied bouillon1 lobster cutlets1 chicken pts1 a salad1 with cakes1 ices and coffee4 ,this menu can be added to or elaborated1 as inclination may dictate4 ,sweetbread pts may take the place of chicken pts4 ,a frozen punch may take the place of the ordinary ices1 and1 if one wish1 a game course be introduced4 ,a heavy breakfast is1 however1 a tedious and unnecessary affair4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,bride',s ,,dress ,the bride's dress1 if she be a young girl1 must be white with a veil4 ,a train is advisable1 as it adds elegance and dignity to the costume4 ,the waist is made with a high neck and long sleeves and white gloves are worn4 ,the veil is turned back from the face and reaches to the bottom of the train where it is held in place by several pearl-headed pins4 ,a single fold of tulle hangs over the face1 being separated from the main veil4 ,this is thrown back after the ceremony4 ,the bridegroom wears a black frock coat1 gray trousers1 white waistcoat1 white tie1 light gray or pearl gloves and patent leather shoes4 ,his ushers dress in much the same fashion4 ,the maid of honor wears a gown of white or very light color1 with a slight train1 and a picture hat1 or not1 as she wishes4 ,when becoming1 an entire costume of pale pink1 with a large hat trimmed with long plumes of the same shade1 is very striking4 ,the bouquet carried by the bridesmaid will harmonize with the color of her gown4 ,of course1 the bride's bouquet will be white1 and is usually composed of her favorite blossoms4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,wedding ,,ring ,the old fashion of ripping the third finger of the bride's left-hand glove1 so that this finger might be slipped off for the adjusting of the ring1 is no longer in vogue4 ,instead of this the left-hand glove is removed entirely at that part of the ceremony when the ring is placed on the bride's finger by the bridegroom4 99 99 99 99 99 ,at a house wedding the guests assemble near the hour named1 leave their wraps in the dressing-rooms1 then wait in the drawing-room for the wedding4 ,the whole parlor-floor is decorated with natural flowers1 garlands of these being twisted about the balustrades1 and making a bower of the room in which the marriage is to take place4 ,if one can afford to do so1 one may prefer to leave the matter of floral decorations to an experienced florist1 but any person with taste can successfully decorate the rooms4 ,a screen of green1 dotted with flowers1 may stand at the end of the room in which the marriage is to be solemnized1 and an arch of flowers is thrown over this4 ,within this arch the clergyman1 the bridegroom and the best man may await the arrival of the wedding guests1 as the wedding march begins4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,wedding ,,procession ,the portires1 shutting off the drawing-room from the hall1 are closed when the time arrives for the bridal party to descend the stairs4 ,as they reach the hall the strains of the wedding march sound4 ,one word as to the orchestra4 ,this should be stationed at such a distance from the clergyman and bridal party that its strains will not drown the words of the service4 ,since ,fashion decrees that music should be played during the service1 it should be so soft and low that it accentuates1 rather than muffles the voices of the participants in the ceremony4 ,loud strains detract from the impressiveness of the occasion1 and cause a feeling of irritation to the persons who would not miss a single word of the solemn service4 ,through the door at the opposite end of the room from that in which the bridegroom stands1 enters the wedding procession4 ,the two ushers come first1 having a moment or two before marked off the aisle1 by stretching two lengths of white satin ribbon from end to end of the room4 ,following the ushers walks the bridesmaid alone1 and1 after her1 on the arm of her father1 comes the bride4 ,at the improvised altar1 or at the cushions upon which the bridal couple are to kneel1 the ushers separate1 one going to each side4 ,the maid of honor moves to the left of the bride1 and the father lays the bride's hand in the hand of the bridegroom1 then stands a little in the rear until he gives her away1 after which point in the ceremony he steps back among the guests1 or at one side1 apart from the bridal group4 ,the best man stands on the bridegroom's right4 ,it is he who gives the ring to the clergyman1 who hands it to the bridegroom1 who places it on the finger of the bride4 ,sidenote3 ,,receiving ,,congratulations ,when the ring is to be put on1 the bride hands her bouquet to the maid of honor1 and draws off her left-hand glove1 giving that also to the maid of honor1 who holds both until after the benediction4 ,after congratulating the newly-wedded pair1 the clergyman gives them his place1 and they stand facing the company1 to receive congratulations4 ,the bride's mother should have been in the parlor to receive the guests as they arrived1 and during the ceremony stands at the end of the room near the bridal party4 ,she should be the first to congratulate the happy couple1 the bridegroom's parents following those of the bride4 ,the maid of honor stands by the bride while she receives4 99 99 99 99 99 ,after congratulations have been extended1 the wedding-breakfast is served at little tables placed about the various rooms4 ,the bride and her party may1 if desired1 have a table to themselves1 and upon this may be a wedding-cake1 to be cut by the bride4 ,this is not essential and has1 of late years1 been largely superseded by the squares of wedding cake1 packed in dainty boxes1 one of which is handed to each guest on leaving4 ,when the time comes for the bride to change her dress she slips quietly from the room1 accompanied by her maid of honor4 ,the bridegroom goes to an apartment assigned to him and his best man to put on his traveling suit4 ,later1 the maid of honor may come down and tell the bride's mother in an 8aside0 that she may now go up and bid her daughter good-by in the privacy of her own room4 ,afterward the young husband and wife descend the stairs together1 say good-by in general to the guests awaiting them in the lower hall1 and drive off1 generally1 one regrets to say1 amid showers of rice4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,as ,,to ,,practical ,,jokes ,i would say just here that the playing of practical jokes on a bridal pair is a form of pleasantry that should be confined to classes whose intellects have not been cultivated above the appreciation of such coarse fun4 ,to tie a white satin bow on the trunk of the so-called happy pair so that all passengers may take note of them1 is hardly kind4 ,but jesting compared to some of the deeds done4 ,a few weeks ago the papers gave an account of a groomsman who slipped handcuffs upon the wrists of bride and bridegroom1 then lost the key1 and the embarrassed couple had to wait for their train1 chained together1 until a file could be procured1 by which time their train had left4 ,such forms of buffoonery may be diverting to the perpetrator2 they certainly are not amusing to the sufferers4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,quiet ,,wedding this is refined ,a girl who is to be married quietly with only relatives or intimate friends present often says1 in explaining this fact1 8,i'm not going to have a wedding40 ,the expression is not well chosen1 for it inevitably suggests that the glitter of the ceremony is in her eyes more important than the solemn words which are the wedding4 ,,chapter ,,viii ,,the ,,church ,,wedding ,,there is about a church wedding a formality that is dispensed with at a home ceremony4 ,the cards of invitation may be engraved in the same form as those described in the last chapter1 but the church at which the marriage is to take place is mentioned instead of the residence of the bride's parents4 ,if in a large city where curiosity seekers are likely to crowd into the edifice1 it is customary to enclose with the card of invitation a small card to be presented at the door4 ,only bearers of these bits of pasteboard are admitted4 ,with the invitations may be cards for the reception or the wedding-breakfast to follow the ceremony4 ,these cards demand acceptances or regrets1 which should always be addressed to the mother of the bride1 never to the bride-elect4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the decorations for a church wedding may be elaborate4 ,as a rule1 one color scheme is chosen1 and carried out through all the arrangements4 ,for example1 the coloring is pink and white1 and if the wedding is in the autumn1 chrysanthemums may be the chosen flowers1 if in the summer1 roses4 ,the matter of decorations is usually put into the hands of a florist4 ,white satin ribbon is stretched across the pews to be occupied by the members of the two families or1 more courteously1 large bows of it are fastened at the end of each1 and to these pews the destined occupants are conducted by the ushers a short time before the bridal party enters the edifice4 ,a list of the persons entitled to sit in these pews should be given to the chief usher4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,duties ,,of ,,the ,,ushers ,at a large and elaborate wedding six or eight ushers are often needed4 ,sometimes an usher follows the older custom of giving his arm to a lady1 but he may be less formal if he choose and merely precede her down the aisle4 ,there is an equal number of bridesmaids1 a maid of honor and a best man4 ,the best man1 the bridegroom1 and the clergyman enter the church by the vestry door1 and await at the altar the coming of the bride and her attendants4 ,the organ1 which has been playing for some moments1 announces the arrival of the wedding party by the opening strains of the wedding march4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,wedding ,,ceremony ,when the carriages containing the party arrive at the church door the ushers go down the canopy-covered walk and help the girls to alight1 convey them into the vestibule and close the outer doors of the church while the procession forms4 ,then the inside doors are thrown open and as the organ peals forth the wedding march1 the procession passes up the aisle at a dignified pace1 but not1 let us hope1 at the painfully slow gait some persons think necessary4 ,first1 come the ushers1 two by two1 next1 the bridesmaids in pairs1 then the maid of honor1 walking alone1 and the bride on the arm of her father1 or other masculine relative if her father is not living4 ,as the altar is reached the ushers divide1 half the number going to the right1 the other half to the left1 then the bridesmaids do the same1 passing in front of the ushers and forming a portion of a circle nearer the altar4 ,the maid of honor1 who is sometimes now1 instead1 a matron of honor1 stands near the bride1 on her left hand1 and the best man stands near the bridegroom's right4 ,the bridegroom1 stepping forward to meet the bride1 takes her hand and leads her to their place in front of the clergyman1 the father remaining standing a little in the rear of the bride and to one side until that portion of the service is reached when the clergyman asks1 8,who giveth this woman to be married to this man80 ,he then takes his daughter's hand1 and laying it in the hand of the bridegroom1 replies1 8,i do40 ,after this he steps quietly down from the chancel and takes his place in the pew with his wife1 or the other members of the family4 ,if the bride's father is dead his place may be taken by any middle-aged man relative or family friend4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,duty ,,of ,,the ,,best ,,man ,during the ceremony the best man stands at the right of the bridegroom1 and a trifle behind him1 taking charge of his friend's hat and handing him the ring when it is needed4 ,it is he1 also1 who pays the clergyman and if a register is to be signed1 he signs it4 ,the final responsibility for a ceremony without an awkward hitch rests on his shoulders and on those of the maid of honor4 ,the maid of honor1 standing near the bride1 holds her bouquet and takes her glove when the ring is put on1 and continues to hold them until after the benediction1 which the bridal pair kneels to receive4 ,then the organ again sounds the wedding march1 and the guests remain standing as the party assembled at the altar moves down the aisle4 ,first1 comes the bride on her husband's arm1 then the best man and the maid of honor together1 then the ushers and the bridesmaids1 each girl on the arm of an usher4 ,after that the families of the bride and bridegroom leave4 ,the bridal party is driven directly to the home of the bride's parents1 where the wedding-breakfast is served or1 if a reception follows the wedding1 where the bride awaits the arrival of her guests4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,artistic ,,bride ,the conventional dress for the bride married in daylight is the same as for an evening wedding1 a trained white gown with lace or tulle veil4 ,the same is true of the costumes of the bridesmaids and maid of honor4 ,these are selected by the bride4 ,at one pink-and-white wedding the bridesmaids wore pink dresses with pink picture-hats1 while the maid of honor wore a gown of palest green with hat to match1--hers being the only touch of any color but pink in the assembly1 and serving to accentuate the general rose-like scheme4 ,the bridesmaids' bouquets are of flowers to harmonize with their costumes4 ,the bride's bouquet is always white1 bride roses being favorites for this purpose4 ,brides with artistic natures who find white satin and orange blossoms unbecoming1 sometimes arrange a softer costume that is still sufficiently bride-like to satisfy sentiment4 ,often little children are used as attendants for the bride4 ,they precede the maid of honor and may scatter flower petals down the aisle as they go4 ,the effect is charming4 ,a matron of honor must wear a colored costume4 ,at a day wedding the bridegroom wears a frock coat1 light gray trousers1 white waistcoat1 white satin or silk tie and patent leather shoes4 ,of course1 the only hat permissible with a frock coat is a high silk one4 ,the gloves are white1 or pale gray4 ,the ushers' dress is the same except that their ties need not be white4 ,at an evening wedding full dress is1 of course1 necessary4 ,then the bridegroom wears his dress suit1 white waistcoat1 white lawn tie and white gloves4 ,the ushers are dressed in the same manner4 ,sidenote3 ,,gifts ,,to ,,bridesmaids ,it is customary for the bride to give her bridesmaids some little gift4 ,this may be a stick-pin or brooch bearing the intertwined initials of the bridal pair4 ,this pin is usually worn by the recipient at the wedding4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the bride and the bridegroom with the bridesmaids stand together at the end of the drawing-room to receive the guests4 ,an usher meets each guest at his1 or her arrival1 and offering his arm1 escorts the newcomer to the bridal pair1 asking for the name as he does so4 ,this name he repeats distinctly on reaching the bride1 who extends her hand in greeting1 and receives congratulations4 ,the bridegroom is then congratulated1 and the guest straightway makes room for the next comer4 ,one is often asked what should be said to the newly-married pair1--what form congratulations should take1 and so on4 ,stilted phrases are at all times to be avoided1 and the greeting should be as simple and straightforward as possible4 ,it is good form to wish the bride happiness1 while the bridegroom is congratulated4 ,thus one says to the bride1 8,i hope you will be very happy1--and ,i am sure you will40 ,and to the bridegroom one may say1--8,you do not need to be told how much you are to be congratulated1 for you know it already4 ,still ,i do want to say that ,i congratulate you from my heart40 ,a pretty custom followed by some brides is that of turning1 when half-way up the stairs1 after the reception or breakfast is over1 untying the ribbon fastening the bouquet together1 and scattering the flowers thus released among the men waiting in the hall below4 ,this disposes of the wedding bouquet which one has not the heart to throw away1 and yet which one can not keep satisfactorily4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,displaying ,,gifts ,if gifts are displayed at a reception1 it should be in an upper room1 and all cards should be removed4 ,the bride may keep a list of her presents and of the donors1 but to display cards gives an opportunity for invidious comparisons4 ,more and more the custom of showing gifts1 except to intimate friends in private1 is going out4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the tables for the wedding-breakfast may be placed about the drawing-rooms1 and the guests are seated informally at them4 ,the only exception to this rule is the bride's table at which the bridal party sits4 ,as artificial lights are usually used at elaborate functions1 even at high noon1 pretty candelabra are upon each table4 ,or1 if preferred1 fairy lamps may take the place of the candelabra4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,wedding ,,breakfast ,the menu for the wedding-breakfast may consist of grapefruit with ,maraschino cherries1 or of oyster cocktails1 or of clams on the half-shell1 as a first course2 next1 hot clam bouillon 7unless clams have already been served7 or chicken bouillon2 fish in some form1 as fish croquettes with oyster-crab sauce2 sweetbread pts with green peas2 broiled chicken or ,french chops with potato croquettes or with ,parisian potatoes2 punch frapp2 game with salad2 ices1 cakes1 coffee4 ,if wines are used1 champagne is served with the breakfast4 ,slices of the wedding-cake packed in dainty satin-paper boxes are given to the guests as they leave4 ,the breakfast over1 the bride slips away quietly1 to change her dress for the wedding journey1 and departs as after a home wedding4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the guests at a wedding-breakfast must call on the mother of the bride within three weeks after the marriage4 ,they will1 of course1 call on the bride on one of her 8,at ,home0 days1 the dates of which are given with the wedding invitations or with the announcement cards4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,announcement ,,cards ,announcement cards are issued immediately after the wedding1 so must be addressed and stamped ready to be mailed at once4 ,the text usually used is this3 8,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,william ,edwin ,burnham announce the marriage of their daughter1 ,eleanor ,fair1 to ,mr4 ,john ,langdon ,morse1 on ,tuesday1 the eighth of ,december1 one thousand nine hundred and five1 at ,st4 ,michael's ,church1 ,davenport1 ,iowa40 ,another form that is sometimes seen is the following3 8,married1 ,wednesday1 ,october eleventh1 #aijc2 ,florence ,archer and ,john ,staunton1 #ajai ,penn ,street1 ,philadelphia40 ,this last form is seldom used except in cases where the bride is so unfortunate as to have no relatives in whose names she may announce her marriage4 ,with the announcement cards may be enclosed another card bearing the dates of the bride's 8,at ,home0 days1 and the hours at which she will receive4 ,announcement cards are usually issued after a small or private wedding to which only a limited number of guests have been invited4 ,if the wedding has been large or was followed by a large reception to which all one's calling acquaintances may be bidden1 the announcement cards are unnecessary and the 8,at ,home0 cards are issued with the invitations to the marriage1 or are sent out after the bride returns from her trip4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,dress ,,for ,a ,,widow ,the dress for a widow at her second marriage should be made of some elegant colored fabric and she should wear a hat if the ceremony is performed in a church4 ,there should be no attendants except the father or brother or an intimate friend4 ,a young girl without parents and of limited income may quite properly be married in her traveling costume and with the utmost simplicity4 ,if she have a proper sense of the delicacy and solemnity of the occasion she will not1 however1 go to the house of a strange clergyman for the ceremony but have it performed in the parlor of her nearest friend or relative4 ,in this way she shows her own good breeding and protects herself from any idle remarks4 ,for a girl to join her fianc in a distant city and marry him there is a step seldom taken in wisdom1 whatever the circumstances4 ,notes to all who have sent gifts must be written by the bride before she leaves home4 ,,chapter ,,ix ,,the ,,dinner ,,party ,,the dinner is the most important and the most delightful of social functions4 ,it is the most civilized of entertainments1 and to say of a town that it is a dinner-giving town means that it has arrived socially4 ,this flower of hospitality blooms slowly4 ,in many western places where the reception1 the afternoon tea1 the theater party and the ladies' luncheon flourish like a green bay tree1 the dinner is an unknown function4 ,a young hostess is often afraid of attempting it1 as is also the unaccustomed diner-out4 ,yet it is not a formidable entertainment1 rightly considered1 and when happily managed the return it brings far outweighs the outlay of time and trouble4 ,the dinner1 height of hospitality as it is1 is yet within the reach of most of us as far as expenditure is concerned4 ,the cost of a dinner may be much or little4 ,the menu may be simple or elaborate4 ,five courses is enough for a dainty satisfying meal1 yet eighteen and twenty are sometimes served4 ,the table decorations may be of the most expensive sort2 yet a half-dozen roses and candles in keeping are sufficient to give a properly festive touch4 ,the number of servants required depends1 of course1 upon the elaborateness or simplicity of the menu and upon the number of guests to be served4 ,the size of the dinner party is elastic1 though eighteen at the table is usually regarded as the maximum4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,small ,,dinner ,the little dinner party has the advantage of being in some ways a more attractive function than the big one1 as well as one in which people of small incomes may safely indulge4 ,when a dinner is so large that general conversation is impossible1 it defeats its own purpose4 ,eight guests are a good number4 ,why it should be that ten guests are still so few as to form a little dinner party and that twelve guests undoubtedly make a big dinner party is one of those inscrutable truths that it takes something more than arithmetic to explain4 ,but so it is4 ,if the guests are properly chosen for a small dinner there should be in the atmosphere a combination of pretty formality and agreeable familiarity about this function that no other can give in so large a degree4 ,the choice of guests is1 of course1 the first and most important consideration4 ,upon this more than upon any other consideration depends the success of your party4 ,it does not do to invite people together for commercial reasons simply or from any other purely selfish motive4 ,it does not do to go through one's list and invite people1 by instalments1 straight through the alphabet4 ,the hostess must exercise all the tact and discrimination of which she is possessed4 ,it is not always necessary that the people chosen should be friends and acquaintances but it is necessary that they have interests1 broadly speaking1 of the same sort1 that they have enough in common to make a basis for easy informal talk4 ,if the people chosen like one another or have the capacity for interesting and diverting one another1 the hostess should feel that the weightiest business is off her hands4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,sending ,,dinner ,,invitations ,dinner invitations should be sent out at least a week before the date of the function4 ,in places where social life is of a strenuous character and people are likely to have many engagements ahead1 two weeks should be allowed4 ,in ,new ,york and ,washington1 invitations for formal dinners are issued four weeks before the event4 ,the invitation to a dinner should be answered immediately4 ,as the number of guests invited in any case is small1 the hostess should know as soon as possible the intention of those invited1 so that1 in case of a regret1 she may fill the place so quickly that the person next chosen may not realize that he is an alternate4 ,the letters ,r4 s4 v4 p4 should not be put on a dinner invitation4 ,any one who receives such a card or note is supposed to understand that an answer is expected4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,dinner ,,menu ,when the guests are selected1 the invitations delivered and the proper number of acceptances received1 the hostess may then turn her attention to the other arrangements4 ,the important matter of deciding upon the menu is next in order4 ,if the hostess has an admirably trained cook or is in a position to engage an expert cateress1 a consultation with one or the other settles the affair4 ,in case she has not the one and is not financially able to engage the other1 she must depend upon her own resources4 ,she must select a menu which she and her maid can together carry out successfully4 ,the composition of a dinner menu is an employment that gives scope for talent and originality4 ,the range of possible dishes is large1 the variety in the way of combination inexhaustible4 ,to plan a dinner that is at once palatable and pleasing to the eye requires no mean ability4 ,to a woman who has a genius for culinary feats1 this sort of accomplishment may be an exercise of the artistic faculties2 and the effect produced upon the partakers of the feast goes far beyond mere physical satisfaction4 ,if one is in the habit of studying cook-books1 which make more interesting reading than they are generally given credit for1 the opportunity afforded by a dinner party for the display of one's knowledge should be as eagerly welcomed as the opportunity offered a violinist for the exhibition of his art4 ,novelties are to be indulged in sparingly4 ,queer highly-colored dishes make the guests nervous as to the hygienic results4 ,sidenote3 ,,round ,,or ,,square ,,tables ,sometimes fashion decrees that a square or oblong table is the appropriate form4 ,again she approves the round table4 ,at the present time the round table has the preference and1 as far as the present writer can see1 with reason4 ,the round table puts all the diners on an equal footing instead of establishing a sometimes embarrassing distinction between guests and hosts4 ,its use makes it possible for each guest to have a good view of every other guest and this promotes general conversation4 ,added to these merits is another of importance1 namely1 that a round table is more susceptible of attractive decoration4 ,many people who employ a square table for family use1 employ on formal occasions a round top1 capable of seating twelve or fourteen people1 which top can be placed above the table commonly in use4 ,this top when not in use folds together on hinges in the center4 ,on occasion it can be clamped to the table in ordinary so that it holds perfectly firm4 ,one should not ask more guests than the table will roomily accommodate4 ,a woman guest will often be glad of a footstool4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,silver ,,and ,,china ,on the morning of the dinner the silver and china necessary should be looked over and later in the day properly placed4 ,the table should be arranged with cloth1 the napkins1 the various knives1 forks and spoons1 the flowers1 the candles1 and the service plates1 if such are used4 ,the china to be employed for the various courses should be placed1 before the dinner1 in the butler's pantry in a way to promote1 as far as possible1 swift and deft service with the maid4 ,she should be instructed exactly where she can lay her hands on the dishes for each item in the menu so that her attendance may be expert and noiseless4 ,for her benefit it is well also to make out in good legible writing1 the menu for the meal and hang it in the kitchen in full view of her and any other servants employed for the occasion4 ,in giving a dinner nothing should be left to chance4 ,every emergency should be taken into consideration and planned for4 ,in small households where only one maid is employed1 a trained waitress may be hired at small expense to help serve4 ,sidenote3 ,,flowers ,,and ,,candles ,the flowers to be used should have some relation to the color of the candles if candles are used4 ,a few flowers skilfully arranged are sometimes quite as effective as a profusion4 ,a clear glass jar which shows stems and leaves as well as blooms is a good investment for the woman whose love of beauty goes further than her ability to pay4 ,the importance of foliage is not always appreciated4 ,one of the cleverest minor inventions for making a few blossoms appear to their best advantage is the cross-bar of wire which one finds now in the shops1 in various sizes and fitted to the tops of various ornamental vases4 ,by the use of this device each flower stands out in individual beauty4 ,the effect of no single blossom is lost4 ,avoid a centerpiece that is so high as to obstruct the view across the table4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,laying ,,the ,,table ,the table-cloth and napkins should be of pure white and of the finest napery that one can afford4 ,silk and lace contraptions that will not stand washing are in bad taste4 ,the table-cloth is not starched and preferably is never folded by the laundress but rolled so that when used it shows no creases except one down the center4 ,first on the table is laid a heavy felt cloth known as the silence cloth1 which1 besides deadening sounds1 serves to make the damask lie more smoothly and gives it a richer1 handsomer appearance than if it were spread on the bare boards4 ,if the game or joints are to be served from the table1 a carver's square should be laid at the head of the table and beneath it a thick mat for the protection of the table surface4 ,beside this square are laid the carving knife and fork1 a table spoon and a gravy ladle4 ,at each guest's place1 is set a 8service plate10 insisted on by the punctilious who choose to obey the unwritten rule of hospitality that a guest once seated is never without a plate4 ,this plate is exchanged by the waitress for the one bearing the food when it is served4 ,to the left of this plate will be arranged the forks1 tines upward4 ,these will ordinarily consist of two large forks for the main meat course and the salad1 then a third fork for the fish and outside of these a small oyster fork if there is to be a course of raw oysters4 ,at the right of the plate will be two dinner knives with the edges of the blades turned toward the plate1 a fish knife1 and the spoons1 including first a small spoon for the after-dinner coffee4 ,the spoon that will be used first is placed on the outside for obvious reasons4 ,the soup spoon with the bowl uppermost will be placed either at right angles to the knives or from right to left back of the plate4 ,the water glass and the glasses for wine1 if these are used1 stand to the right and back1 a little beyond the knives4 ,as butter is not served at formal dinners the bread and butter plate and butter spreader are omitted4 ,the folded napkin containing the dinner roll is laid to the right of the knives or on the service plate4 ,fancy foldings of the napkin are not approved4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,skilful ,,maid ,when the waitress hands a dish from which the guest must serve himself she offers it on the left so that he may use his right hand freely4 ,however1 when she puts a plate before him1 she should do it from the right4 ,many hostesses decree that on clearing the table1 the large meat and vegetable dishes should be taken first and the soiled plates last4 ,a reversal of this procedure would seem to be an improvement as the untidy plates are the least sightly things about the table4 ,if the maid is skilful she will notice whether any guest has by chance already used the spoons or other silver required for the dessert course and supply those without a request being made4 ,in clearing the table the maid must not stack the dishes4 ,she should take a plate in each hand and no more4 ,avoid using heavily scented flowers on a dinner table4 ,menu cards do not belong in private houses4 ,they have the somewhat vulgar effect of laying too much stress on the food4 ,the ideal dinner is1 indeed1 a delightful repast1 but it should be first of all what has been wittily described as 8a feast of reason and a regular freshet of soul40 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,fruit ,,centerpiece ,a fruit centerpiece is not often seen but it is handsome4 ,a large silver plate or basket heaped with pink and white winter grapes or even with rosy apples and 8glove0 oranges is most effective4 ,if candles are used these should be kept on ice until near the dinner hour1 then lighted and the wicks cut1 to prevent smoking and dripping4 ,many persons who like to put shades on their candles have difficulty in preventing them from catching fire4 ,it is worth knowing that this is more likely to occur when the holders are fitted to the top of the candle than where they clasp it below the heated part4 ,when a dessert dish is placed on a larger plate1 or a finger-bowl is set before the guest1 a small lace paper mat may be laid between plate and dish4 ,if the dining-room floor is of hard wood rubber tips may be bought at any department store and put on the chair-legs to prevent the noise of scraping4 ,the table should be carefully set so that the centerpiece is exactly in the center and the guests' places precisely opposite each other4 ,as a rule the china used throughout a dinner exactly matches1 but if a hostess prefers she may use different sets for different courses4 ,in serving soup be careful not to give too much4 ,a half ladleful is an 8elegant sufficiency40 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,temperature ,,of ,,wines ,if a dinner is very formal and several wines are to be served1 it is correct to use white wine with the fish1 sherry with the soup1 claret with the roast and champagne or ,burgundy with the game4 ,the white wine1 sherry and champagne should be kept cold2 champagne1 indeed1 should be very cold and is served from a bottle wrapped in a napkin4 ,claret and ,burgundy are most agreeable at a temperature of about seventy4 ,all these wines are served from the bottle except claret and sherry1 which are usually decanted1 that is to say1 they are poured from the original bottle into a cut-glass bottle or decanter intended especially for table use4 99 99 99 99 99 ,much of the success of a dinner depends upon the serving4 ,a well-trained maid or man is indispensable1 and it is not to be denied that the training1 for this purpose1 of the average servant to be found in the ,west is difficult4 ,but with patience it can be done4 ,if one is in the habit1 as one should be1 of insisting that the home dinner be served with proper formality1 the extra duties involved in the service of a larger number of people and of a greater range of dishes need not be viewed with terror4 ,if there are ten or twelve guests the services of two maids or men become necessary1 lest the portions on the plates become cold before the sauces and vegetables that are to accompany them can be passed4 ,for elaborate dinners the rule is one waiter to every three guests4 ,in punctilious households the unwritten law that a guest should never be without a plate before him is observed1 and this is known as the service or place plate4 ,at an informal meal this plate may be dispensed with4 ,a maid should be taught to move quietly1 to keep her eyes and thoughts on what she is doing1 and in an emergency to go directly to her mistress for a quiet word of instruction4 ,it is particularly important that the domestic in the kitchen should also be as quiet as possible in her movements4 ,nothing is more annoying during a dinner conversation than a crash of crockery in the culinary regions4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,hour ,,for ,,dinner ,as a rule dinner is served in most ,american cities at seven o'clock4 ,in ,new ,york1 however1 where long distance makes it difficult for men to reach home1 dress for the evening and arrive at any stated place1 eight o'clock is frequently the hour4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,saying ,,grace ,in not a few houses the fine old fashion of saying grace is still observed and the guest should carefully watch his hostess for a cue as to how to conduct himself4 ,a young woman who happened to be visiting in one of the older ,new ,england families chanced to take her first meal at the dinner hour4 ,after a moment's pause she was asked by her hostess to start the meal1 and with best intentions she did so by passing a bread plate near her4 ,to her dismay she afterward learned that she had been expected to say grace4 ,of course1 such an incident could occur only at an informal dinner1 but it serves to bring up the point that many a hostess embarrasses a guest by directly asking him to perform this service which a natural timidity or his being unaccustomed to it may make an ordeal for him4 ,if a clergyman is present1 respect to his position1 whatever one's own religious convictions or want of them1 demands that he be asked to say grace4 99 99 99 99 99 ,at informal dinners the roast may be carved at the table if the hostess prefers this plan and if the host can be persuaded to do the carving and is able to do it skilfully and quietly4 ,this plan1 which is ,english in its origin1 seems more hospitable in a way than the more formal custom of serving everything from side-tables1 a la ,russe4 ,undoubtedly there is a flavor of the hotel and restaurant about the ,russian style that is less agreeable1 though simpler and more expeditious4 ,it may be remarked1 however1 that while it is of first importance that a dinner service should move promptly and that it should not at the outside take up more than two hours1 anything that actually suggests haste is contrary to the spirit of the occasion4 ,when the meats are carved at the table the vegetables should be passed by the maid1 as the guests may have a choice4 ,for the person at the head of the table to serve both meat and vegetables is permissible only at a family dinner4 ,in some households the host or hostess makes a specialty of salad dressing1 and this course1 also1 is served at the table4 ,as the salad bowl may be so arranged as to present a beautiful1 as well as a delicious sight1 the custom has more than one reason to recommend it4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,who ,,is ,,served ,,first ,as to who is served first there has been considerable discussion4 ,the plan has recently come into favor in some houses to hand the first plate in each instance to the hostess in the thought that if there is anything wrong with the dish she may detect it before the guests are served4 ,the usual plan1 however1 is to serve first the lady sitting at the host's right hand1 then all the other ladies1 and lastly the men4 ,or1 if two maids are serving1 one may take one side of the table and one the other4 ,the maid should hand the dishes on the left side of the guest4 ,a clever maid can wait on eight people1 provided the dinner is not too elaborate4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,dress ,,of ,,butler ,,and ,,maid ,the dress of a maid waiting at dinner should be in winter of a plain black stuff1 in summer of plain white4 ,over this is worn a white bib apron with bands going over the shoulders4 ,the skirt of the apron should be large so that the front of the dress is protected4 ,a plain white collar and white cuffs and a white cap without strings or crown complete this costume4 ,no ornaments of any sort are permissible4 ,a butler should wear the ordinary dress suit with a white tie4 ,it is a matter of wonder to the thoughtful why society has not yet found a way to clothe her butlers and waiters in some manner that shall prevent strangers from taking them for guests1 but as yet no such way seems to have been found4 ,in default of a butler many families keep what is known as a house-man1 who performs the duties of both butler and footman2 that is to say1 he opens the door and also assists at table4 ,such a servant has a white linen jacket and dark trousers1 though some women who have negro house-men and a taste for the picturesque prefer that they shall wear dark colored coats with brass buttons and a scarlet or other bright colored waistcoat4 ,while one sees in certain nice houses white gloves on the hands of a house-man when he is waiting at table1 the best taste is against their use1 as they undeniably suggest that they are worn to hide dirty hands4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,what ,,to ,,wear ,,at ,,dinner ,at formal dinners a woman is expected to wear a dress cut moderately low in the neck1 while for men what is known as evening dress is imperative4 ,sometimes an invitation contains the word 8informal10 but unless one has explicit direction to the contrary1 no departure should be made from the usual method of dressing4 ,when a dinner is hastily arranged for an out-of-town guest1 who is perhaps passing through the city for the day only1 or for some distinguished man or woman on a tour of lectures1 the hostess may particularly request the guests not to wear evening clothes out of consideration for the guest of honor who1 not expecting any social courtesies1 is not prepared so to dress himself4 ,in such cases the men will wear their day clothes1 though a woman is always privileged to make her evening toilet somewhat more dainty and elaborate than her daytime one4 ,not to appear in one's best when the occasion is suited to happy raiment is to do both one's self and the occasion an injustice4 ,most people are at their best when they have the consciousness of being attractively attired1 and one may be sure that the hostess always appreciates any effort made by her guests toward increasing the charm of the social picture which she has composed4 ,a dark or dowdy dress is an ugly note in such a group and reveals in the woman who causes it an insufficient sense of the compliment that has been extended to her4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,dinner ,,coat ,the dinner coat1 or ,tuxedo1 was designed to be worn only on the most informal occasions1 though there is a tendency to widen its field of usefulness4 ,the theory is that it should never be worn where there are ladies1 but the modern practise has broken the theory down so that at small dinners1 the theater1 club affairs1 etc41 the dinner coat is worn by men who give the subject of dress intelligent consideration4 ,with the dinner coat a black silk string tie should be worn2 this the wearer should tie in a bow1 tightly drawn at the center4 ,gray ties have been urged by the fashion makers1 but they are not so good as the black4 ,the white lawn tie should never be worn with the dinner coat4 ,gold studs and gold link cuff buttons1 or the newer dark enamel should be used1 in shirts of plaits or tucks of various widths4 ,these softer styles of shirts are now in high favor and are a sensible and proper innovation4 ,extremes of styles should be avoided1 and many men of conservative tastes still wear the stiff plain linen or piqu bosoms4 ,a black waistcoat of the same material as the coat is preferable to the fancier forms4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,low-,,cut ,,gown ,it is gratifying to note that in the best houses neither the hostess nor any woman guest is seen to appear with a dress improperly low4 ,a woman1 not long used to the better social circle into which she married1 was once invited to meet an actress at a private dinner party4 ,to the amazement and distress of her hostess she appeared in a gown that evidently carried out her idea of what is 8,bohemian40 ,she had quite clearly been determined not to be outdone by the actress4 ,to her chagrin she found this woman in a gown much higher than her own and wholly modest in every particular4 ,to govern one's dress or conduct in society by any notion of outdoing some one else is an indication of the parvenu and likely to meet with dire results4 99 99 99 99 99 ,those who entertain often soon learn to discriminate between the guest whose presence helps to make a dinner a success and one who is an undigested lump in the social leaven4 ,the desirable guest is not necessarily a wit or a beauty but she comes with a glad mind and heart1 arrayed in her prettiest and with the sincere intention of trying to give pleasure4 ,she realizes the compliment of her invitation and that it can not be acknowledged merely by extending a similar one4 ,she must1 as some one recently put it1 8pay her scat0 before she leaves the house4 ,if her dearest enemy is present nothing in her manner will betray that fact to the hostess4 ,the meal should be announced by the servant in charge opening the door or doors leading into the dining-room and saying1 8,dinner is served40 ,it saves confusion even at a small dinner to mark the places at table by cards inscribed with the appropriate name1 but this is not obligatory4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,dinner ,,procession ,the host1 with the lady who is to sit at his right1 is the first to leave the drawing-room4 ,the order of the other couples does not matter1 except that the hostess1 with the man who is to sit at her right1 leaves last4 ,the places of honor are those at the right of the host and the hostess4 ,if the ,president were a guest1 the hostess would lead the way to the dining-room with him1 the ,president's wife coming immediately after with the host4 ,if two ladies are entertaining1 one must play the part of host4 ,at very large and formal dinners trays on which are small envelopes are placed in the men's dressing-room1 each envelope bearing the name of the woman the guest to whom it is addressed is to take in1 and indicating by the letter ,l4 or ,r4 in the corner of the card on which side the two will sit4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,arriving ,,at ,a ,,dinner ,a dinner party demands that the guest be not more than ten minutes early1 and ordinarily not a half-minute behind the time mentioned in the invitation4 ,in large cities1 however1 on account of the great distances1 ten or fifteen minutes' grace is allowed4 ,after that interval has passed1 the hostess--or her butler if she have one--should see that the cover laid for this person is removed1 and the usual announcement made that 8,dinner is served40 ,the servant at the door directs the women to their dressing-room1 the men to theirs4 ,in the dressing-room the women leave their wraps1 but do not remove their gloves4 ,each woman1 accompanied by her escort1 descends to the drawing-room1 greets the hosts1 and the man who is to take her out to dinner is then introduced to her4 99 99 99 99 99 ,where there are many courses a guest may1 if he wish1 sometimes decline one or more of these4 ,he may also show by a gesture that he will not take wine1 or1 if his glasses are filled1 he may simply lift them to his lips1 taste the contents1 then drink no more4 ,as a glass will be filled as soon as emptied1 the guest may say in a low voice1 8,no more1 please60 when he has had enough4 ,none of these refusals should be so marked as to attract the attention of his entertainers4 ,a wine-glass should never be turned down4 ,after the ladies have removed their gloves and the dinner-roll or slice of bread has been taken from the folded napkin and the napkin laid in the lap1 the dinner conducts itself4 ,the chapter headed 8,at ,table0 will answer any doubtful questions as to the manner of eating at home or abroad4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,when ,,dinner ,,is ,,over ,after the dinner is ended1 the hostess gives a slight signal1 or makes the move to rise4 ,the gentlemen stand while the ladies pass out of the room1 then sit down again for their cigars1 coffee and liquors4 ,the chairs1 on rising from a dinner-table1 should not be pushed back in place4 ,coffee and cordials are served to the ladies in the drawing-room1 where they are soon joined by the gentlemen4 ,when the time for departure approaches it is the place of the woman who goes first to rise1 motion to her husband1 and then as soon as she and he have said good night to the host and hostess1 they bow to the other guests1 and retire to the dressing-rooms4 ,after this they go directly from the house1 not entering the drawing-room again4 ,if there are guests of honor they should be the first to go4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,saying ,,good ,,night ,in saying good night it is perfectly proper1 extremists to the contrary notwithstanding1 to thank the entertainers for a pleasant evening4 ,such thanks need not be profuse1 but may be simply--8,good night1 and many thanks for a delightful evening60 or 8,it is hard to leave1 we have had such a pleasant time60 ,one need never be afraid to let one's hosts know that the time spent in their presence has passed delightfully4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,successful ,,dinner ,given well-prepared food1 whether simple or elaborate1 proper service1 a room not too warm and a current of fresh air that does not blow on any one1 guests sympathetically chosen1 the dinner can not fail to be a success4 ,a young married belle of a western city who was visiting in a smart ,new ,york set was asked at her first dinner what people in the ,west did for after-dinner entertainment4 8,they talk10 she said4 ,the people present looked at her as if they thought that a dull way of spending the time1 and to a query of hers regarding their methods of entertainment1 replied that they usually 8had in0 a professional or professionals of some sort for the amusement of the guests after the eating and drinking were over4 ,to her taste this indicated an unenviable mental poverty1 as it will to most sensible people4 ,the best flavor of a successful dinner party lies not in the food1 however grateful that may be to the palate1 but in the talk4 ,a dinner is the entertainment at which sprightly natural talk counts for the most2 and this is probably the reason that the world over the dinner is considered the most elegant and distinguished form of entertainment4 ,,chapter ,x ,,the ,,education ,,of ,a ,,young ,,girl ,,is ,,it a good thing to send a young girl away to school1 and1 if so1 shall one send her to boarding-school or college8 are the questions that agitate many a household where the daughter or daughters are old enough to make these questions pertinent4 ,over-conscientious and fearful mothers sometimes decide that the risk is too great in sending girls away from home4 ,they fear1 with the loosening of home ties1 a lessening of a sense of responsibility1 while at the same time they doubt a girl's power to get on without maternal supervision4 ,the judgment and experience of the world is against this point of view4 8,homekeeping youths have ever homekeeping wits10 is no more true of boys than of girls4 ,going away to school should be one of the richly vitalizing influences of life4 ,to a certain extent a girl is thrown on her own resources when away as she would not be at home1 yet the conditions in any school worthy of the name are such that she is guarded and protected4 ,at home1 her friendships and acquaintances have been made largely through the connection of her family with the community in which she lives4 ,away1 she must make her own friends4 ,at home1 it is probable that mother1 older sister or a kindly aunt have done her darning and other mending4 ,away1 she must do these things for herself or they remain undone4 ,in many ways the opportunity is given her by a year or two away at school to prove herself1 yet to do so without danger1 as the amateur swordsman fences with a button on his foil4 ,outside of these considerations one of the most important is the development that comes through delight in change4 ,novel conditions have charm for all ages1 and in youth1 much more than in age1 they are a spur to endeavor4 ,happiness of a healthful kind stimulates the mind1 and it is commonly true that the years spent away at school are pleasant ones4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,what ,,school ,,to ,,choose ,the advocates of the different sorts of training represented by boarding-school and college life are often hostile to each other4 ,there is much to be said in favor of both educational methods1 and the decision concerning which shall be adopted for a young girl should depend largely upon her own temperament1 tastes and inclinations4 ,the advocates of college life are too apt to assume that the texture of boarding-school learning is flimsy1 which it sometimes is4 ,the friends of boarding-school life assume that a college training means an absence of regard for the feminine graces2 and it is true that some of its representatives are not social successes4 ,but such comment goes a short way in helping one to a decision as to whether boarding-school or college shall be the destination of one's daughter4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,boarding-,,school ,the character of the girls' colleges in our country is much more generally known than that of boarding-schools4 ,the colleges are few in number1 and to their proceedings is given a degree of publicity not accorded the proceedings of smaller educational enterprises4 ,there are boarding-schools and boarding-schools4 ,investigation can not be too careful before placing a girl in one of them4 ,the best offer advantages of an admirable kind4 ,the courses of study1 while not so diverse as those of college1 are particularly adapted to feminine tastes1 while the accomplishments which tend to make social life more interesting and agreeable are given a large share of attention4 ,history1 literature1 the modern languages1 music and drawing have perhaps the foremost places in the curriculum4 ,many of these schools are in cities where opportunities are given1 under proper chaperonage1 for girls to see the best theatrical performances and to hear concerts of value4 ,in these schools girls come into more intimate relations with their teachers than is possible in a college1 and they are also much more strictly chaperoned4 ,matters of form and deportment1 details of manner1 so far as they can be taught1 are given thought and attention often with happy results4 ,one may say that a girl should learn these things at home1 but sometimes her surroundings there are not favorable and again she needs the impetus of just such criticism as she receives at a good boarding-school to make her aware of the value of form4 ,the aim of a good boarding-school is to make of a girl an attractive member of society as well as to make her mentally appreciative4 ,the stamp of certain admirable boarding-schools upon the manners of the women who have attended them is unmistakable4 ,i once heard a man say that he could always 8spot0 a pupil of ,miss ,porter's famous ,farmington ,school within half an hour after introduction1 by certain delicate formalities in her manner4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,woman',s ,,college ,a woman's college offers a much wider sphere for a girl's energies and abilities than does boarding-school4 ,if she loves study1 is fond of athletics and is interested widely in human nature1 college is the place for her4 ,here she has a chance for the development of her best mental powers4 ,deportment is not one of the unwritten branches of the curriculum as it is in the girls' boarding-school4 ,nevertheless it is taught by the social preeminence of those who bring the best breeding with them4 ,though the surveillance is not what it is in boarding-schools1 it is not so necessary1 because the girls are somewhat older than those in boarding-schools and because the sentiment of the students generally is for law and order4 ,sidenote3 ,,well-,,known ,,colleges ,the best-known girls' colleges in the ,united ,states are situated in the country1 and the opportunity thus given for sport and for a healthy appreciation of nature is an invaluable asset for those institutions4 ,at no time in life is the love of beauty at once so delicate and so keen as in those years when one is eligible to college life4 ,to foster this perhaps latent appreciation by a direct contact with the beauties of nature is one of the opportunities offered by ,bryn ,mawr1 ,vassar1 ,wellesley1 ,smith and other well-known women's colleges4 ,the three or four years in college among a hundred or more other girls often form one of the happiest and most fruitful periods of a girl's life4 ,she makes interesting and valuable friendships4 ,often her knowledge of the world is broadened by visits paid to her schoolmates in vacation time4 ,the advantages she derives from properly directed study are great2 the advantages in other directions are possibly even greater4 ,a women's college is a little world in which every variety of femininity may be observed4 ,the life there gives opportunity for the development of the most diverse talents4 ,any sort of capability eventually finds scope for action in college life4 ,the serious side and the recreative side of life find expression there4 ,a girl who lends herself freely to the opportunities of a college should quit its doors prepared for social and domestic life and able also to take care of herself financially if exigencies require4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the comparative cost of college and boarding-school is often an important point in the matter of deciding a girl's educational destination4 ,the best boarding-schools are more expensive than the colleges as far as formal expenditure is concerned4 ,a girl's personal expenses1 though they are regulated in some boarding-schools1 are in college and at most boarding-schools what she and the family council choose to make them4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,travel ,,as ,,education ,if college and boarding-school exercise a beneficial influence upon the development of a girl's mind and manners1 travel is a happy third in the list4 ,unfortunately travel is an expensive luxury4 ,if1 however1 the financial circumstances of a girl's parents are such that she may travel for six months or a year after her schooling is over1 this puts the finishing touch upon her educational opportunities4 ,travel is the easiest1 the quickest and the most delightful manner of gaining knowledge in the world1 while1 at the same time1 it is what study is not always1 an encouragement to social facility4 ,the young girl must be educated at home as well as away from home4 ,the foundation for such accomplishments as she has a preference for must be laid there and she must prepare there1 in however slight a way1 for the responsibilities that may rest upon her shoulders when she has a house of her own4 ,for her own training1 as well as the relief of her mother1 every girl should assume some household duty or duties4 ,but these1 unless necessity commands1 should not be severe1 and occasional laxity in performance should not be dealt with harshly4 ,young girlhood is a growing time and a dreaming time2 and a too stern insistence upon household duties sometimes blights important capabilities of mind and body4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,acquiring ,,accomplishments ,it was an old-fashioned idea that every girl should be equipped with an accomplishment1 should cultivate some definite ability to please4 ,the idea was much abused1 and resulted in the torture of many innocent persons who were compelled to look at crude sketches1 to admire grotesque embroideries and to listen to mediocre performances on the piano4 ,but there was at the bottom of the idea something sound and wholesome4 ,it is vitally important that women should please1 should help to make the wheels of life go easily4 ,that was not an ignoble epitaph discovered on an old tombstone in an ,english churchyard1 8,she was so pleasant40 ,perhaps in the matter of education we are now swinging too far away from the old-fashioned ideal and are too much inclined to regard as trifling a young girl's special efforts to please4 ,do we not somewhat puritanically regard the studies one does not like as necessarily more efficacious than those pursued with joy8 ,drawing1 music1 the modern languages1 the art of reciting or conversation--we speak of these usually not only as secondary in importance to the study of ,greek1 ,latin and mathematics1 but as involving little in the way of labor1 while the truth is that the pursuit of these subjects not only involves endless labor but a labor that in the end unveils personality and individuality1 and makes for original interpretation of life to a degree far exceeding results from the so-called severer branches4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,dilettante ,the theory is generally disseminated that those studies which give most pleasure to one's self and to others when actually transformed into accomplishments are easy of attainment and demand only the careless and dilettante touch4 ,the elders as well as the youth are much impregnated with this idea4 ,let a girl understand when she begins to study drawing1 the violin1 the pianoforte or the art of singing that no success is possible without hard work1 that the privilege of lessons will be withdrawn if she does not put effort and determination into her work1 and results of a correspondingly good character may be forthcoming4 ,sidenote3 ,,thoroughness ,,necessary ,for the happiness of themselves and their friends1 it is well that young girls should pursue any accomplishment toward which they may have a leaning4 ,certainly such a pursuit1 if entered into with delicacy and vivacity1 must increase the sweetness of life by adding to one's sense of beauty2 and it is never trite to say that a thing of beauty is a joy forever4 ,pursuit of an accomplishment does not always mean possession1 but where it does1 even measurably1 it means also the power of imparting pleasure to one's friends1 and pleasure that is touched upon and mingled with one's own individuality4 ,in a day when wealth counts for so much in relation to the bestowal of pleasure1 one can scarcely overestimate for those who do not have wealth the value of the personal touch in the entertainment of one's friends4 ,,chapter ,,xi ,,the ,d,,butante ,a ,,clever young girl1 when asked by an acquaintance if she had 8come out0 yet1 answered1 8,i didn't come out4 ,i just leaked out40 ,doubtless this states the case1 in a somewhat slangy manner1 for a large number of young women who1 gradually and without any set function to serve as introduction1 take their places in society4 ,even for them1 however1 the year following the close of school duties marks a change in their relation to the social world1 while the distinction is much emphasized in the case of young girls to whom the affairs of balls1 receptions1 teas and calls are a novelty4 ,the date of a girl's formal entrance into the larger world marks her individual recognition in that world4 ,before this time she has been a person without social responsibility1 not accountable in the social sense4 ,she has been considered in relation to her family1 perhaps4 ,now she stands for herself4 ,she is an object of some curiosity to the public1 and the pleasures and duties to which she falls heir deserve some special mention4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,age ,,of ,a ,d,,butante ,the age at which a girl makes her formal appearance on the scene of society varies in different places and with varying conditions4 ,it is rarely under eighteen1 seldom over twenty-two1 the first being the age at which a girl not desirous of extended education escapes1 usually1 from the schoolroom1 the second being the average age of graduation for the college girl4 ,a girl younger than eighteen is commonly too immature to be considered an interesting member of society1 and a certain degree of absurdity attaches to the idea of introducing to the world a girl older than the age last mentioned4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the special function by which a young woman's family signalizes her entrance to society varies little in different places4 ,in many cities the custom is for the family of the dbutante and also for the friends of the family to give some entertainment in her honor4 ,a dinner1 a luncheon1 a tea1 a ball--any one of these festivities is a proper manner of announcing one's interest in the new member of society and of emphasizing her arrival4 ,everything should be done to facilitate for her an extension of acquaintance among those whom it is desirable she should know4 ,it is said that a number of years ago when telephones were a luxury instead of being1 as now1 a necessity1 in southern cities1 the advent of the dbutante in a house meant always the addition of a name to the telephone directory4 ,this is a somewhat extravagant and florid comment on the idea advanced4 ,but it will serve as an illustration4 ,particularly is it desirable that the dbutante should become acquainted with the older members of the society in which she moves4 ,she is now not only a part of the particular set to which her age assigns her2 she is also a part of that larger society to which many ages belong4 ,her attitude on this question distinguishes her as well-bred or ill-bred4 ,there is nothing more crass and crude than the young girl who has no eyes or ears for anybody out of the particular set of young people to which she belongs4 ,it is the mark of the plebeian4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,d,,butante',s ,,wardrobe ,the clothes of the dbutante are a matter of importance and her wardrobe should be carefully planned4 ,it is natural that she should wish to look pretty and1 as youth itself makes for beauty1 given good health and the usual number of features properly distributed1 there is no reason why she should not so appear1 if some discretion be exercised in the selection of her clothes4 ,it does not lie within the province of this book to stipulate in detail concerning the outfit necessary for this happy result4 ,the purpose of this paragraph is to insist on simplicity of style in the gowns chosen for a girl's first year in society4 ,elaborate styles and heavy materials are opposed to the quality of a young girl's beauty4 ,they kill the loveliness which it is their object to bring out4 ,all her clothes should be made without perceptible elaboration4 ,in ball gowns she should be careful to select light1 diaphanous materials1--materials that she can wear at no other time of life to such advantage4 ,of party gowns she should have a number4 ,three or four frocks of thin inexpensive materials are far better1 if a choice be necessary1 than one heavy silk or satin4 ,they are more becoming and the number of them guarantees to their owner perfect freshness and daintiness of appearance4 ,a soiled1 bedraggled ball gown is a sorry sight on anybody4 ,it looks particularly ill on a young person whose age entitles her to be compared to lilies and roses4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,second ,,season ,if the truth be told1 despite the gaiety and the novelty of a girl's first year in society1 it is not usually so pleasant a year as her second4 ,she has much to learn1 and it is the exceptional girl who does not feel a little awkward in her new position4 ,she is prone to exaggerate the importance of small social blunders1 and trifles1 light as air1 occupy a disproportionate place in her horizon4 ,a certain timidity1 the result of her unaccustomed position1 is characteristic of her4 ,this timidity shows itself either in a stiffness that modifies considerably her proper charm1 or in an unnatural bravado of manner1 the reverse of pleasing4 8,why are you so down on dbutantes80--the writer of this chapter asked of an accomplished young society man4 8,because they think it's clever to be rude10 was the answer4 ,the desire to be very apt1 to be 8on the spot0 and 8all there10 as the slang phrase has it1--this is often at the bottom of the apparent rudeness of the young girl4 ,she does not care to show her newness4 ,as a bride wishes it to seem that she has always been married1 so a dbutante likes to present the appearance of thorough familiarity with the ground upon which she has just arrived4 ,sidenote3 ,,losing ,,self-,,consciousness ,nothing will assist the dbutante to self-control and a surer footing so much as contact with people who are somewhat older than herself and who have gained a proper perspective4 ,from them she will learn to be less self-conscious1 and this means to be happier and more interesting4 ,,chapter ,,xii ,,men ,,and ,,women ,,there is some difference of opinion as to whether properly a man should ask permission to call upon a woman or the woman should confer the favor of her own volition4 ,sometimes this depends on the age of the woman under consideration4 ,the invitation to call of a mature woman of society is the bestowal of a social favor in a sense different from the same request coming from a young girl4 ,a young girl must be very sure indeed that a man would feel flattered by her invitation before she asks him to call4 ,it is usually safe to assume that1 if he does wish the acquaintance to go further than chance meetings1 he will find a way to make it known to her1 thus saving her the embarrassment of taking the initiative4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,length ,,of ,a ,,call ,the time for making calls upon young women varies in different parts of the country4 ,in the larger cities of the ,east the conventional time is between four and seven o'clock in the afternoon4 ,in smaller towns of the ,east and in most southern and western places1 evening calls are the mode4 ,when the acquaintance between the young man and the young woman in question is slight1 a call of half an hour is considered a proper length4 ,when the acquaintance has mellowed into friendship1 the length of the call is not prescribed4 ,a sense of propriety will suggest to both when it should come to an end4 ,if a servant is in waiting when the caller arrives1 this domestic should take care of the young man's hat1 coat and stick1 or should designate where the caller may place these things4 ,if the young woman herself should chance to open the door1 she must designate where he is 8to rest his wraps10 as the negroes say4 ,she must not1 on any account1 assist him in ridding himself of these articles1 nor1 later1 when he leaves1 aid him in getting them together4 ,nice but socially uninstructed girls lay themselves open to severe criticism through exactly such mistaken actions4 99 99 99 99 99 ,if the call is a first call1 the young man should be presented to the girl's mother1 and if the girl chooses1 to other members of the family4 ,in succeeding calls1 according to conventional usage in ,america1 it is merely a happen-so whether members of the young woman's family are present or not4 ,one can prescribe no rule as to what young men and young women should talk about4 ,the subjects they may discuss are as numerous as the sands of the sea1 and depend upon taste1 temperament and education4 ,as to manner1 it is well to insist a little1 in these days of brusk camaraderie between the sexes1 on the fact that courtesy has many charming opportunities of exhibition in the conversation between men and women4 ,there is a kind of deference that1 with no lack of frankness1 should be cultivated in the attitude of one sex to the other1 a quality that makes for agreeable friendship to a rare degree4 ,if one selects this rather than other agreeable qualities of manner as one to be cultivated in the relation of the sexes1 it is because it is one so often neglected4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,use ,,of ,,first ,,names ,when a young woman and young man have grown up in the same place and have known each other from childhood1 it is proper for them to call each other by their first names1 but with acquaintances of maturer years1 the occasions for the adoption of this custom should be rare4 ,nothing is more vulgar for a young woman than an easy and promiscuous habit of addressing ,tom1 ,dick and ,harry as such4 ,a girl should not accept an invitation from a young man before he has called and has been presented to her mother4 ,the invitation once accepted1 there are little courtesies which he may pay to her on the occasion of the festivity for which he has asked to accompany her4 ,these courtesies he should not neglect to offer1 and she should be gracious in accepting4 ,he may assist her in putting on her wraps4 ,he may put on her overshoes if the weather is damp and a maid be lacking for that purpose4 ,if an extra wrap is demanded he should carry it for her4 99 99 99 99 99 ,in going up-stairs1 the girl precedes the man1 but in descending1 he goes first4 ,in the street a man who is punctilious walks on the outside of the walk1 but this rule is less observed than it was formerly4 ,of course1 a man allows a girl to precede him through any doorway4 ,in leaving a street-car1 however1 he gets off first in order that he may help her alight4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,a ,,young ,,woman',s ,,escort ,it is the duty of a young woman's escort to be looking after her pleasure and comfort in various ways4 ,if he takes her to a dance1 he must see1 if possible1 that her card is filled4 ,if it is not filled1 he should sit out with her the unclaimed dances4 ,ordinarily1 a girl does not cross a ballroom unless accompanied by her escort or her chaperon4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,at ,,the ,,theater ,if a man takes a girl to the theater he should procure a program for her and should assist her in the removal of her wraps4 ,whenever accidentally or by arrangement1 a man accompanies a woman he should not permit her to carry a package1 umbrella or wrap1 unless the latter be a light summer wrap which she may prefer to retain4 ,the various opportunities offered men for small services1 for little gallantries of conduct1 can not be registered in detail4 ,they are too many4 ,it is sufficient to say that young women should encourage men in such amiable habits4 ,favors of the sort indicated are without cost and yet beyond price4 ,if accepted graciously they react on manners to the advantage of both sexes4 ,they help to make of society the pleasing spectacle which we imagine it to be in our dreams4 99 99 99 99 99 ,young women who are guests at a box party should sit in the front seats with the men behind them4 ,the writer was witness during the current year of a small-town box party straggling into a city theater1 where each girl was awkwardly ranged alongside of her escort4 ,the clumsy unsophisticated air of the party1 each ,jack beside his ,jill1 needs no comment4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a young girl should not grant a request for an interchange of letters with a young man without consulting her mother4 ,a young woman should remember in writing to a young man that written words are not like spoken ones and are far more capable of misinterpretation4 ,though prudence is not a generous quality1 it is one to be observed in all letter-writing but that arising out of the most intimate relations4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,clever ,,note ,the subject of letter-writing suggests the miniature accomplishment of note-writing4 ,the art of brief sprightly expression on paper is one that is worth striving for4 ,it is capable of yielding pleasure in many of the relations of life1 in none more conspicuously than in the relation between young men and young women4 ,a military man of some distinction was interviewing the lady principal of a girls' school with reference to placing his daughter there4 8,what would you like to have her taught80 said the principal4 8,some history20 he said meditatively1 8an appreciation of good literature1 and the art of writing as agreeable a note as her mother did before her40 99 99 99 99 99 ,a young woman should hesitate to isolate herself from general society by accepting too great an amount of attention from any one man unless she intends to marry him4 ,as long as she is in doubt on this head she has1 prudery to the contrary1 a right to accept the usual attentions from those men whom she likes4 ,if she is so imprudent as to shut herself off from general companionship before she has reached a decision as to marriage and then decide in the negative1 she is likely to suffer for her imprudence4 ,by a ludicrous chance dependent upon the relation of the sexes1 the man in the case1 if he cares to reenter society1 regains it much more easily than she4 ,he can go about and take up dropped threads while she is waiting at home for callers who do not arrive4 ,he is welcomed back with enthusiasm by the girls who thought him lost forever1 while her recent avoidance of general society is counted against her4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,becoming ,,engaged ,when a young man finds his affections engaged he should formally ask the girl's father for her hand and should state his financial condition4 ,this rule of an older civilization than ours is much ridiculed in many sections of our country2 and it is true that there are instances where it would not apply1 where1 for reasons1 the young man should make his initial plea to the girl herself4 ,but1 generally speaking1 the custom is to be commended4 ,a young man may well suppose that a girl's father will have her best interests at heart4 ,if the young man is serious in his desire for her happiness he will have the courage to ask her of one of the two persons to whom she is dearest4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,importance ,,of ,,chaperons ,the whole matter of acquaintance between young men and young women is one of supreme importance in that it may lead to results of supreme importance4 ,in view of this fact it is amazing that parents and guardians so often leave this matter to the action of chance1 that they do not feel the wisdom of exercising a guiding hand in the choice of associates for the young people under their care4 ,we have a prejudice against the ,european custom of social espionage over the young4 ,but it is safe to assume that if we had more of such espionage sentimental disasters would not be so frequent as they now are1 and more true and lasting friendships between young men and young women would be formed4 ,the older members of the household should take a part in creating the social atmosphere in which their children move4 ,they should cultivate the friendship and acquaintance of young people so that they may be able the more easily and wisely to exert an influence in the right direction4 ,only the opinion and taste of the person most concerned should be final and decisive in the matter of personal relations1 but persuasion and direction are mighty forces to be employed4 ,especially should parents of attractive young women make it their business to know something about the young men who frequent the house4 ,said a father of five well-married young women3 8,i made it a rule in my daughters' girlhood to allow no young man the entre to my house who was not eligible in the sense of character and breeding40 ,it is true that youth and age will not always agree on the qualities of desirable companionship1 and it is also true that in these disagreements age is sometimes wrong and youth is right2 but this does not interfere with the truth of the statement that maturity should give to youth all the help possible in the frequently momentous choice of friends1 particularly of those belonging to the opposite sex4 ,it is customary1 shortly before a wedding1 for a girl to give a farewell luncheon to her intimate girl friends1 including her bridesmaids1 and for a man to entertain his ushers at a dinner or supper party4 99 99 99 99 99 ,it is expected at parties that the gentlemen present will attend on the ladies1 in the old-fashioned word 8wait0 on them4 ,yet at many such affairs one sees the men congregated in the hall1 eating their salads and ices1 while the women are ungallantly left to themselves4 ,servants may supply them with refreshments if the hostess has so planned1 but the attendance is required just the same4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,well-,,bred ,,man ,a well-bred man will not in general society make a marked distinction in the courtesy he shows to a woman who is unusually attractive and her companion who is less fortunate4 ,he will ask the plainer woman to dance and will see that she has ices1 and he may find1 after all1 some unexpected reward in a quality of hidden charm beneath the unpromising exterior4 ,generosity in social situations is a severe test of character and for that reason it is seen less often than one would wish4 ,the man who joins a woman sitting conspicuously alone and devotes himself to her entertainment if for only a quarter of an hour deserves all the warm unspoken gratitude that is sure to be felt by the woman4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a girl should be careful not to mistake the merely polite attentions of a man for the advances of a lover4 ,men are afraid of such a girl because of the embarrassments that ensue1 while they feel 8safe0 with a sensible one who can be friendly without becoming sentimental and who does not view every man she dances with as a possible husband4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,lunching ,,at ,a ,,club ,a woman who is invited by a man to take luncheon with him at his club will find a side entrance reserved for the use of ladies1 and a parlor where she may be joined by her escort4 ,sidenote3 ,a ,,man',s ,,leave-,,taking ,when a man is saying good-by to a group of ladies1 he should1 on leaving the room1 turn his back as little as possible4 ,,chapter ,,xiii ,,coeducation ,,socially ,,considered ,,the idea of coeducation is a peculiarly ,american idea4 ,perhaps nowhere else in the world do such large bodies of young men and young women meet together for purposes of study and1 at the same time1 enjoy together such social freedom as is the case in the coeducational institutions of the ,united ,states4 ,one may question the wisdom of the coeducational idea1 but as to its popularity there can be no doubt4 ,coeducation is not only with us1 but1 if indications are correct1 it has come to stay4 ,its opponents say that men and women do not work together so well as apart1 that the distraction of sex in coeducational institutions is such as to prevent both men and women from making the highest intellectual effort in their power4 ,the advocates of the system contend that the contact of the sexes in school is a source of improvement to the manners of both1 that it makes young men more courteous and young women less sentimental4 ,the friends of the movement also say that men and women are stimulated to their best endeavor by the presence of the opposite sex2 and that1 as the masculine and the feminine intellects differ1 one being complementary to the other1 so men and women1 studying together1 gain a rounded conception of the subject in hand not possible otherwise4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,social ,,amenities ,this article is not concerned with the pros and cons of the argument1 only with the questions suggested by the freedom and facility with which young people meet one another in coeducational schools4 ,it is easy to say that the usual social conventions should be observed1 as of course they should2 but it is not hard to see that the somewhat informal conditions under which young people meet in these institutions1 make a strict adherence to the code a matter of difficulty4 ,eighteen is the average age at which young people enter college4 ,they are scarcely men and women1 yet they are too old for schoolboy and girl pranks1 in which1 however1 they often feel tempted to indulge4 ,many young men and young women start to college without social experience4 ,they may belong to good families whose essential ideals of conduct are stanch and fine1 but to families in which hard work and financial stress have crowded out the knowledge and practise of social amenities4 ,the youth of the students concerned1 the inexperience of many1 the variety in previous training and inheritance make the question of social relations much more complicated than it would be in the towns or cities from which the various students come and where each one belongs by custom and birth to a well-defined circle of friends4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,forming ,,friendships ,a golden piece of advice for those entering college1 though one not easy to follow1 is3 8,be slow in forming your friendships40 ,the friendships you make with the members of your own sex influence decidedly your friendships with the other and both should be entered into with deliberation4 ,better be somewhat lonely in the beginning of college life than precipitate relations with those whom you may later come to distrust4 ,let a young woman wait1 take time to survey the situation coolly and dispassionately1 before she decides which one1 if any1 of the ,greek societies which solicit her attention she will enter4 ,do not let her be carried away by the 8rushing10 the spreads1 the flatteries1 the flowers that may be used to influence her decision4 ,she will be all the more valued by the sorority that gets her if she holds off a little until her own mind and judgment have rendered an answer to invitation4 ,and1 in the same relative situation1 the same word of warning applies to young men4 ,it is in place here to say in regard to the ,greek societies that the pleasure and profit derived by the members from such membership should not lead them to a selfish disregard of those outside4 ,the tendency to work only for one's fraternity or sorority and to find fellowship or friendship nowhere else is recognized as a narrowing influence in these organizations4 ,sidenote3 ,,college ,,precedents ,each college1 coeducational or otherwise1 has its local etiquette that has risen out of its history4 ,certain things can be done by seniors1 for instance1 that would not be tolerated in freshmen2 certain other things that have no reference to the general rules of society are barred because of a collegiate caprice that has been transformed into law4 ,with this unwritten but binding etiquette the student soon becomes acquainted4 ,if he runs counter to it1 he is brought up sharply and made to realize the penalty4 ,the etiquette of common sense1 which should guide the relations between young men and women1 is of another sort and1 owing to the exigencies of the case1 must largely be expressed by negative admonitions4 ,the first of these is1 do not feel that absence from home gives you privileges to do what you would not do at home4 ,the word 8lark0 is an enticing one1 but young men and young women do not indulge in 8larks0 together without paying up4 ,anything that involves secrecy in the good times of young men and young women away at school should be avoided4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,avoid ,,familiarity ,the frequency with which young people of two sexes meet one another in coeducational schools leads them easily into the habit of calling each other by their first names1 and into the worse one of adopting nicknames4 ,the advice of ,punch is in place4 ,don't4 ,friendship does not mean familiarity4 ,indeed familiarity is its greatest foe4 ,when a young girl allows a young man to call her by her first name1 unless engaged to him1 she cheapens his regard for her by just so much4 ,it often happens that the dormitories or boarding-houses where students live do not afford attractive reception rooms4 ,a young woman shrinks from receiving calls from her young men acquaintances in ugly surroundings and in a room filled perhaps with uncongenial girls or those indifferent to her4 ,it is not improper1 under these circumstances1 that she should see her men friends elsewhere1--at the college library1 at the house of some married friend or in the course of a walk planned beforehand4 ,but it is in wretched taste for her to loiter on the streets with a young man1 to stop on corners for talk1 to walk back and forth repeatedly from college to boarding-place in his company4 ,again good sense says1 8,don't40 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,exchange ,,of ,,photographs ,exchanging photographs is regarded as one of the special privileges of college life4 ,it would be interesting to know how large a per cent4 of the income made by photographers in the ,united ,states comes from college students4 ,the exchange of photographs between young men and young women in the same class in college is allowable4 ,such exchange is1 in a sense1 official and impersonal1 and is warranted by that fact4 ,when a young woman bestows her photograph under such circumstances she should write upon it the name of the college and the date of the class4 ,this will indicate clearly that the giving is not a matter of sentiment4 ,the promiscuous exchange of photographs between young men and young women at college is bad4 ,only a brother or a lover or an old friend should be the recipient of a young woman's likeness4 ,there is something too intimate about such a gift to make it an object of general distribution4 99 99 99 99 99 ,one more 8,don't0 occurs to the writer as applicable to the relations of young men and women as fellow students4 ,don't use the college slang or jargon when you talk together4 ,if it is impossible to keep it altogether out of the talk1 use as little of it as possible4 ,men students may carry on conversation through this medium and it is sometimes very funny1 but it was not intended for feminine purposes4 ,it is disgusting to hear a young man speak to a young woman in the terms he would use in addressing his chum4 ,on the other hand it is the attempted mannishness of tone popular with some women students that prejudices many worthy people against coeducational schools4 ,the use of college slang outside the boundaries of college life is bad form even for a man1 and gives a provincial tone to his talk4 ,sidenote3 ,,class ,,festivities ,the opportunities for special festivities are many in coeducational life1 and there is a strong temptation to overdo on the social side4 ,class dances and receptions1 fraternity and sorority parties1 commencement gaieties offer frequent allurement4 ,a student1 woman or man1 should sift out this matter of recreation in his own mind and should determine how much pleasure of this kind he can afford financially and without detriment to his health or his class standing4 ,some social diversion he needs4 ,to develop on the mental side only is a mistake4 ,too much diversion is a far more serious mistake4 ,it goes without saying that1 at the parties given by students1 there should be proper chaperonage4 ,this is particularly necessary in entertainments1 often quite elaborate in character1 given in chapter houses of the fraternities4 ,the fact that young men are hosts to the young women on such occasions makes it the more necessary that chaperons should be numerous and not too vivacious in character4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,dean ,,of ,,women ,there should be in every coeducational school a dean of women4 ,the duties of such a position include regulation1 as far as possible1 of social relations between the young men and young women of the institution as well as actual instruction1 if necessary1 on the more important matters of social etiquette4 ,in this official1 young girls of the institution should find a friend to whom they may go for advice on vexed questions4 ,where there is no formal office of the kind named1 the service indicated may sometimes be rendered by women members of the faculty4 ,some years ago1 in a western town1 the ,chair of ,english ,literature was occupied by a woman who took upon herself the burden of improving the manners of the student body1 largely composed of sturdy young farmers and girls from country towns4 ,once a year in the college chapel1 she gave a lecture on this subject in which she stated plainly what she thought necessary for the social improvement of the school4 ,many a young man was helped over awkward places by her advice2 many a young woman saved from some escapade which she might have blushed later to own4 ,the value of such instruction is inestimable4 ,when opportunity offers for consultation with such a guide and teacher1 the uninstructed student should avail himself of it4 ,when such a privilege is not procurable1 one's own sense of propriety1 if diligently sought for and obeyed1 will often lead one out of an awkward situation for which one does not know the formal rule4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,high-,,school ,,parties ,many parents who intend to send their daughters to women's colleges allow them to take a preparatory course in a coeducational high school4 ,the best high schools of that character now take the very important precaution of hiring a dean1 whose duty it is especially to watch over the girl students4 ,high-school sororities and all secret organizations are frowned on if not positively prohibited in these schools1 as it has been demonstrated that they interfere with proper attention to studies and lead to many undesirable relationships4 ,class hops and receptions suitably chaperoned furnish sufficient diversion4 ,one hopes that one of the results of the appointing of deans in the high schools will be a change in the manner of dressing of many high-school girls4 ,it is too often both inartistic and in bad taste4 ,a schoolgirl should be dressed prettily1 but in a quiet and appropriate way4 ,,chapter ,,xiv ,,the ,,chaperon ,,in some parts of ,america the chaperon is1 like ,sairey ,gamp's interesting friend1 8,mrs4 ,harris10--a mere figment of the imagination4 ,nowhere in ,america does she occupy the perfectly defined position that she holds in ,europe2 nowhere in ,america are her duties so arduous as those imposed on her in older countries4 ,the idea that a chaperon for young people is necessary on all occasions offends the taste of the ,american4 ,it is even opposed to his code of good manners4 ,that a young woman should never be able in her father's house to receive1 without a guardian1 the young men of her acquaintance1 is alien to the average ,american's ideal of good breeding and of independence in friendship4 ,in addition1 his sense of humor sets down constant attendance on the very young as a bore and wearisome in the extreme4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a young business or professional woman dispenses with any protection except that afforded her by her work itself4 ,some years ago a young southern woman1 forced to earn her living1 and who had become a reporter in ,washington1 made herself absurd by taking a duenna with her whenever she went out to gather news4 ,perhaps it is unnecessary to say that no girl can afford to call on a man at his office except on an errand of business or charity4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,doing ,,without ,,chaperons ,because of these prejudices current concerning the idea of chaperonage1 because of this mode of considering the subject1 characteristically ,american1 it is all the more necessary that the line should be sharply drawn as to the occasions where the consensus of usage and good sense declares a chaperon to be indispensable4 ,the sense of the best ,american conventionalities1 broadly speaking1 is that a young woman may have greater liberty in her father's house than elsewhere4 ,a young man who frequents a house for the purpose of calling on a young woman should be on terms with the members of her family1 but it is not taken for granted that he must spend every minute of his visits in their presence1 or that the young woman should feel that she is acting unconventionally in receiving his calls by herself4 ,it is unconventional1 however1 for her to take with him long evening drives without a chaperon1 or to go on any sort of prolonged outdoor excursion1 be the party large or small1 without a chaperon4 ,driving parties1 fishing parties1 country-club parties1 sailing parties1 picnics of every kind1--here the chaperon is indispensable4 ,no one can tell what accidents or delays may occur at festivities of this kind that might render a prolonged absence embarrassing and awkward without the chaperon4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,chaperon',s ,,duties ,any married woman may act as chaperon4 8,young and twenty0 may chaperon 8fat and forty0 if the former has the prefix 8,mrs40 before her name and the latter is still of the 8,miss0 period4 ,it is often very amusing to hear young matrons talk of their experience in chaperoning their elders4 ,the office is one that the newly married woman likes to assume both because of its privileges and because it seems to emphasize her new dignities4 ,in consequence of the fact that the frivolous and light-minded young married woman is quite as apt to be called upon to fill the office of chaperon as a person of more responsible qualities1 the duties of this position are often less considered than its advantages4 ,to some extent the duties and the privileges melt together1 but not entirely4 ,when1 for instance1 a bachelor1 or a married man whose wife is out of town1 entertains young unmarried people with a theater party and a supper afterward at restaurant or club1 and asks a married woman of his acquaintance to act as chaperon1 he expects to pay her more attention and courtesy than he will give to other guests1 while at the same time expecting from her an assumption of some of the duties of hostess for the occasion4 ,he may send her flowers if he chooses4 ,she must have the seat of honor in the front of the box engaged at the theater and1 later1 the seat of honor at the supper party4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,chaperon',s ,,privileges ,in return she must exercise her power of pleasing generally and not for the benefit only of the two or three of the party whom she likes best4 ,her surveillance of the company is1 of course1 merely nominal4 ,it is taken for granted in civilized society that young people will behave properly4 ,a chaperon is merely the official sign that the proprieties are observed4 ,she is not an instructress and is not likely to be asked to fill the position of chaperon more than once if she assumes to be4 ,her presence prevents embarrassment and embarrassing situations4 ,it should also act upon the guests as an amalgamating agent4 ,at a party of the description given1 her business is to mix agreeably the different elements of the company4 ,the duties and privileges of acting as chaperon1 in such circumstances1 are of so pleasant a kind that the office is a coveted one4 ,attractive women are much more apt to be asked to fill the position than unattractive ones1 except when a chaperon is regarded simply as an offering on the altar of propriety4 ,generally speaking1 the duties of a chaperon are somewhat various1 and more or less arduous1 according to the quality of those chaperoned4 ,these duties depend so largely upon circumstances that they are not easily classified4 ,it is1 of course1 the part of the chaperon to smooth over awkward situations1 to arrange and make smooth the path of pleasure4 ,it is the duty of the chaperoned to agree without demur to whatever the chaperon may suggest4 ,on any debatable point her decision must be regarded as final4 ,sidenote3 ,,chaperons ,,at ,a ,,ball ,a personal and individual chaperon for every young girl is not necessary at a ball4 ,it is expedient1 however1 that there should be some one present who1 on demand1 can act in that capacity for her1--some married woman with whom she may sit out a dance1 if she be not provided with a partner1 or whom she may consult in any of the small difficulties possible to the occasion4 ,if a young woman attend a ball in company with her mother or some other matron1 she should return each time1 after a dance1 to the seat occupied by her chaperon and should direct her several partners to find her there4 ,in case she dances with any one unknown to her chaperon1 it goes perhaps without saying that the man in the case should be presented properly to the friend in charge of her4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the question as to whether a young man must ask the services of a chaperon when he invites one young woman to accompany him to the theater is answered differently in different parts of the country4 ,in the ,east a man who asks a young woman to go with him to the opera or the play1 often invites her mother or some feminine married friend to accompany them4 ,in the ,west this usage is not so common4 ,those who do not observe it are not regarded as outside the pale of good form4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,on ,,outdoor ,,excursions ,sidenote3 ,a ,,dutch ,,treat ,in the case of outdoor excursions the chaperon should fix the hour of departure to and from the place of festivity2 she should group the guests for the journey there and back1 and should designate their positions at the table if a meal or refreshments be served4 ,the duty of the chaperoned1 is1 in return1 to make the position of chaperon as agreeable as possible1 to defer to her in every way4 ,the favor1 in the case of chaperonage1 is conferred by the chaperon1 though the actions of certain crude young people are no recognition of this fact4 ,a case in point occurs to the writer where a young man and his wife were asked to chaperon a party of young people to a popular rendezvous twelve or fourteen miles from the city in which they lived4 ,the married people1 after much urging1 consented with some reluctance1 thereby sacrificing a cherished plan of their own4 ,going and coming they were asked to take the back seat1 which they occupied by themselves1--a seat over the wheels of the large vehicle provided4 ,during the country supper they sat at one end of the table where their presence was conversationally ignored4 ,when the time came for returning home the married man was approached by one of the originators of the party1 who said that the affair was a 8,dutch treat10 and would he 7the married man7 please pay his share of the bill4 ,this is1 of course1 an extraordinary case1 but in a gross way it illustrates the lack of consideration often incident to the relation between chaperon and chaperoned4 ,that the obligation to the chaperon should be properly recognized is an important part of social training4 ,,chapter ,,xv ,,the ,,matter ,,of ,,dress ,,to be comfortably and becomingly clothed is an acknowledged aspiration of most women and many men4 ,the time to be ashamed of such an aspiration is now happily gone by with some other detrimental puritanical notions1 and we cheerfully give ourselves to the love of pretty things for personal adornment as we do to beauty in other directions4 ,that too much time may be spent in the thought about1 and selection of1 clothes is true1 also that extravagance of expenditure and other vices are the price of such vanity4 ,on the other hand1 it is as true1 though not so directly and obviously so1 that a lack of attention to dress leads equally to disaster4 ,the badly-gowned woman is apt to be self-conscious1 not in possession of her best self2 and too often she carries the thought of dress exactly to the place where her mind should be free of such reflections4 ,one should not wear more than one can successfully 8carry off40 ,care about the details of dress should be left behind when one goes visiting or appears anywhere in public4 ,if one's toilet has been thought out and attended to properly before leaving home1 one's mind is then free for the entertainment of other subjects4 ,if this important matter is suggested to one only by the unhappy contrast between one's appearance and that of the people about one1 then unless one is possessed of a particularly strong mind1 the pleasure of the occasion in question is nullified1 the possible profit to be derived from it is cut off4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,gospel ,,of ,,good ,,gowns ,self-consciousness does away with the easy use of one's faculties and renders them stiff and unpliable4 ,trim appropriate clothing has a tendency to make the wearer happy and is an encouragement to a comfortable and lively temper of mind4 ,i remember hearing a humorous old clergyman say that he was frequently called upon to endure the recital of her miseries from a very untidy woman of his congregation and to prescribe advice therefor4 ,at last with him truth came to the surface1 and a thought that had long lain dormant in his mind found expression on the final occasion of her request for counsel from him4 8,madam10 he said1 8,i believe you would be a much happier woman if you combed your hair becomingly and put on a fresh gown oftener40 ,the matter of dress is at once a serious and1 to a beauty-loving temperament1 a charming consideration4 ,to some extent it has to do with character and much to do with happiness4 ,some moralists to the contrary notwithstanding1 the becomingness or the unbecomingness of what one wears reacts upon the wearer and makes her distrustful or confident1 timid or courageous1 and this in a not unworthy sense4 99 99 99 99 99 ,if the subject of dress is important1 the consideration we give to it should be of a correspondingly dignified and orderly character4 ,there is a happy medium between spending too much and too little time on the thought of what we wear4 ,at regular periods1 say at least twice a year1 the matter should be taken up with some care1 the needs of one's wardrobe investigated1 the amount of money at one's disposal for such purposes be determined upon4 ,sidenote3 ,,if ,,the ,,purse ,,is ,,small ,if one's purse is so large that the question is only one of purchase1 of consulting good outfitters and dressmakers1 there is still room for neat and methodical management4 ,if one's purse is small1 orderly and businesslike management is a necessity4 ,one should study one's appearance and find out for one's self what colors1 what tendencies in fashion are becoming to one1 and resolutely strike others off the list4 ,reason1 not fancy1 nor altogether fashion1 should guide one in the choice of fabrics and tints4 ,one's manner of life should be considered in the selection of gowns1 and the appropriate thing picked out for the anticipated occasion4 ,a train on the street1 velvet in the morning1 no matter what may seem to be worn by extremists1 could never be in taste4 ,veils that are so heavy as to seem disguises or so ornamented that they give the wearer1 at a little distance1 the appearance of having a skin disease1 should be left to the women who wish to startle4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,street ,,gown ,the most important gown to be taken into account is the street gown1 the garb in which one appears every day and before the largest number of people4 ,that one should look well all the days of the week is more important and convincing than that one should look well for the particular and infrequent occasion4 ,if one must choose between a good day-in-and-day-out gown and one of a more elaborate and decorative description1 the preference should be given to the tailor or street gown4 ,one would better invest in a cloth costume of good material and cut1 and wear this unchanged through more than one season than indulge in two or three of cheaper mold that reflect unsteadily the passing mode4 ,this gown may serve not only for street but1 with various waists1 may develop other uses than that of outdoor wear4 ,the changes possible in accessories will make it available for calls1 teas1 afternoon receptions and the theater4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,between ,,seasons ,many women who dress fairly well in summer and in winter1 fail to provide themselves with suitable attire for the intervening seasons4 ,spring finds them with only a fur-trimmed cloak1 and in early fall they are still wearing thin midsummer frocks4 ,in our changeable climate1 clothing of various weights is absolutely necessary to make a good appearance4 ,all fur coats are seldom suitable1 and for this reason should be left for those who can buy as many garments as they choose4 ,good separate furs are a much wiser investment for a woman of limited means4 ,white kid gloves for marketing and shopping1 even if one can afford them1 are out of taste because out of place4 99 99 99 99 99 ,for a woman who goes to balls and dinners1 however infrequently1 a good low-cut gown of some description is indispensable4 ,women who have lived quiet provincial lives and are called upon to grace a wider social sphere are not always aware of this4 ,they provide themselves with appropriate gowns of other descriptions1 but they feel afraid of the gown made especially for evening wear4 ,they have a foolish fear sometimes of trying1 by this means1 to look younger than they are or of making themselves conspicuous in the wearing of such a frock4 ,conspicuousness lies in the other direction4 ,full dress is the proper wear for metropolitan entertainments after six o'clock in the evening1 and full dress means a dress coat for a man and a low-cut frock of appropriate material for a woman4 ,avoidance of embarrassment means the adoption of this conventional wear4 ,a woman who has reached an age when her neck has begun to wither in front is not1 however1 an object of beauty when dcollet4 ,she will do well to wear a jeweled collar or a band of velvet or tulle4 ,sidenote3 ,,what ,,is ,,full ,,dress ,to the indispensable items just mentioned may be added theater gowns1 dinner gowns1 ball gowns1 outing costumes1 tea gowns1 negligees1--a bewildering variety of attire suited not only to every feminine need but answering to every feminine caprice4 ,few words are necessary to those women whose purse is equal to the purchase of all the feminine fripperies dear to a woman's heart4 ,dealers and experienced modistes are always at hand to offer serviceable advice to those who have the wherewithal to pay for it1 though one should not take1 without weighing it1 even the best advice of this sort4 ,try to be intelligent about your clothes and to show a little individuality4 ,only this bit of counsel is perhaps in season to those who may have measurably what they choose in the way of wearing apparel4 ,preserve some sort of equality between the different items of your toilet4 ,do not have a splendid theater gown and a shabby negligee4 ,do not wear fine furs over an inferior street gown4 ,do not wear heavy street boots with a velvet evening gown4 ,arrange the articles of your wardrobe so that they bear some sort of happy relation to one another1 so that one article may not be ashamed to be found in the company of any other1 so that your clothes may seem to be the harmonious possession of one person1 not the happen-so belongings of a half-dozen varying temperaments4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,gown ,,and ,,its ,,wearer ,there are persons1--we all know them1--whose happy attire is always calling forth some such remark as1--8,that looks precisely like her10 or 8,she and the gown were made for each other40 ,this sort of relation between person and wardrobe is the most charming outcome possible to the consideration of personal adornment4 ,it gives dignity and distinct esthetic value to the subject of clothes4 ,let us have no more red on blondes1 and let over-stout women leave plaids and checks alone4 ,thin girls should wear frills and leave plain-tailored clothes to plumpness4 ,with the woman of means1 this harmony need not be1 though it often is1 occasional4 ,it may be constant and if she is a person of esthetic temperament she may gain from this happy relation between herself and her clothes a soul-satisfying sense of bliss not to be gained from any other source in the world4 ,over-dressing is1 of course1 avoided by women of taste4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,importance ,,of ,,accessories ,many women who have little to spend put nearly the lump sum into gowns4 ,this is a mistake of the gravest sort4 ,the effect of the prettiest gown may be spoiled by an ill-fitting corset1 by gloves that are no longer fresh and by shoes that are not trim and suitable to the occasion4 ,white gloves should be white1 and white shoes likewise1 or they should not be worn4 ,the proper accessories of dress1 among which are veils1 belts1 ruchings and collars1 often give to an otherwise plain costume1 the effect of something chic and telling4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,how ,,to ,,put ,,on ,a ,,hat ,becoming head-gear is of the utmost importance4 8,a hat10 said an apt society woman of the writer's acquaintance1 8should bear the same relation to other parts of one's costume that the title of a story does to the story itself4 ,this article of dress should be at once the key and the consummation of the effect intended40 ,the fashion in hats varies with great rapidity from year to year1 and one should be careful to avoid the extremes of style4 ,only a face of great beauty can stand the precipitous1 fantastic slants and curves that mark the ultra fashionable in millinery4 ,if one is so fortunate as to find sometime a shape that is decidedly becoming1 one should follow through life its general outline with modifications sufficient to conform in a general way to passing modes4 ,form the habit of putting your hats on from the back1 thus pushing the loose hair about the face slightly forward4 ,the plainest face is softened and beautified by a fluffy arrangement of the hair about the temple4 ,nothing is more fatal to good looks than a high bald forehead4 ,many women make a fatal mistake in their preference for big hats4 ,the picture-hat is only suited to the large and picturesque type4 ,large hats make little women look like mushrooms1 and frequently they take away all distinction and individuality from the face beneath4 99 99 99 99 99 ,many a charming costume is spoiled by a failure to realize that the feet must be dressed in harmony with the rest of the costume4 ,too many women1 otherwise attractive in appearance1 wear shoes with scuffed toes and run-down heels1 the latter due to a bad habit of turning the foot over in walking4 ,this can be corrected easily by having the shoe built up at the sole on the opposite side by the insertion of a piece of thick leather1 which any shoe-mender will do very cheaply4 ,one is then forced to use the foot properly4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,choice ,,in ,,jewels ,women otherwise tasteful in dress are often careless and unthoughtful in the jewels they wear4 ,in gowns and millinery they would not think of wearing colors that clash and fight1 yet they do not establish a correspondence between clothes and jewels worn1 between trinkets and the quality of personal appearance4 ,they wear the contents of their jewel-boxes irrespective of suitability1 indifferent as to season of night or day4 ,a profusion of jewels1 or the wearing of various and hostile stones at one time1 is to be avoided as the pestilence4 ,a jewel1 like a fine picture1 needs background1 space to show it off4 ,in the company of many other jewels it loses identity and distinction1 and fails in conferring these qualities upon the wearer4 ,in choosing precious stones it is a good rule to establish some sort of relation between their color and the eyes of the wearer4 ,turquoise intensifies the hue of blue eyes1 topaz that of brown ones1 and emeralds are particularly becoming to women whose eyes have a greenish tinge4 ,color is so important an element of success in every department of dress that its study should be a part of the education of every woman who wishes to be well gowned4 ,the correspondence between the color of the gown and the appearance of the person who is to wear it is of more importance than the quality of the texture employed4 ,hue and fit make for becomingness to a greater extent than elegance in material1 though the latter is also an element of beauty in an all-round conception of the subject4 ,a feeling for textures is rare1 but it may be cultivated1 and the effort to do this is worth making4 ,sidenote3 ,,individuality ,,in ,,dress ,some women who are timid as to their ability to combine colors and tones1 plunge into black as a safe refuge or adopt a standard color which they regard as 8safe0 for all occasions4 ,this is a poor way out of the difficulty4 ,resolute study and a little experimenting will yield better results and an agreeable variety4 ,a woman should study her 8points0 in the light of day before a full-length mirror1 and once she has really learned what becomes her she should allow no milliner or modiste to coax her into 8the latest cry40 ,there is no such thing as the 8tyranny of fashion0 for the woman who dresses intelligently4 ,she will never be either in or out of the mode4 ,neatness is unquestionably an element of that indefinable thing we call style1 though many women who are neat are not modish4 ,neatness is the integrity of dress1 the essential foundation to which all good things may be added4 ,to a woman whose love for dress is allied to the thirst for perfection in that branch1 untidiness is more than distasteful4 ,if 8extra0 hair must be worn1 it should be moderate in quantity1 of the best quality and most skilfully arranged4 ,face powder1 carelessly put on1 makes a woman look ridiculous4 ,an open placket is viewed by a fastidious woman as something like disgrace4 ,broken shoe-laces1 gaps between belt and skirt1 soiled neckwear1 crookedness in the arrangement of gowns and other evidences of careless dressing are abhorrent to her4 ,neatness1 freshness and suitability in the wardrobe are more important items than elaboration and cost4 ,the person who suggests these desirable qualities in the manner of her attire1 whether she has a large or a small amount of money to be expended in clothes1 is sure to present an agreeable appearance4 ,if to these qualities she adds a scent for novelty and style1 she may hope to be1 as far as clothes are concerned1 8very smart indeed40 ,if beyond this she have the artist's gift1 she may make herself better than 8smart10 she may be beautiful4 ,sidenote3 ,,minor ,,points ,,in ,,dress ,one minor point3 the handkerchief1 when not in actual use1 should be invisible4 ,it is a concession to nature1 and to carry it in the hand1 tuck it in the belt or up the sleeve is provincial4 ,a muff or a party bag of dainty texture may serve to hide it in lieu of a pocket4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,haphazard ,,dressing ,at women's parties in this country one sees a variety of costumes not all suited to the occasion4 ,the hostess at a luncheon may wear a white lingerie dress1 one of her guests will be in a shirt-waist costume1 a second in white satin and the rest in quiet silks or in elegant chiffon waists and cloth or velvet skirts4 ,the picture is spoiled by this haphazard dressing4 ,the majority were correctly attired but the shirt-waist and the white satin were equally wrong4 ,the hostess who knows that any one of her guests may be compelled to dress with exceptional plainness will help to make that person comfortable by wearing a quiet gown herself4 ,except at very intimate affairs it is wiser1 however1 to decline an invitation than to make an embarrassingly poor appearance4 ,at afternoon receptions one often sees the hostess and her assistants in elaborate gowns1 while many of the callers are in tailored street costume4 ,this again spoils the picture4 ,if a woman expects to attend afternoon affairs she should have an afternoon gown4 99 99 99 99 99 ,highly polished finger-nails of a length to suggest claws1 are bad form though one sees them on women who ought to know better4 ,the nails should be carefully filed--not trimmed--to a shape only slightly pointed1 they should show the pretty half-moon at the base and may bear a slight polish but no artificial coloring4 ,to keep the half-moon plainly visible1 gently push back the scarf-skin at the base of the nail daily with an orange-wood stick4 ,a little cold cream rubbed in nightly around the edges of the nails is a great help4 ,no sharp instrument should ever be used to clean the nails4 ,the orange-wood sticks are best adapted to this purpose4 ,peroxide will remove stains4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,a ,,word ,,on ,,gloves ,sude gloves are softer in appearance and more elegant than the glac ones1 but as they soil more quickly and clean less readily they should not be attempted by women of limited means4 ,a delicately colored glove is more artistic with many costumes than a pure white one1 but here again practicability must be counted1 as the light-colored glove will seldom clean well and the white one does4 ,a woman who must carefully consider the cost of her dressing will1 if she is clever1 plan mezzo-tinted costumes which are artistic and becoming and which do not demand light or white gloves4 99 99 99 99 99 ,transparent blouses that display the under-clothing are bad form4 ,if very sheer material is used1 a special slip should be worn under the blouse4 ,very thin hose are equally objectionable4 ,perfume of any sort is now taboo beyond the elusive scent of lavender or violet sachets in one's dresser drawers1 or a dash of toilet water in the bath4 ,sidenote3 ,,dressing ,,for ,,church ,one's dress at church should invariably be quiet4 ,this is prescribed not only by taste but by consideration for others who may be present and who may be of more limited means4 ,a church is of all places the one in which to avoid exciting envy by costly apparel4 99 99 99 99 99 ,one of the mistaken ideas held by women who are just becoming sensitive to effects in dress is that everything should match4 ,the result in such cases if not positively bad is usually dull and monotonous4 ,the woman who wears with her blue suit a blue hat with a blue feather and a blue veil1 a blue waist and blue gloves and shoes1 is a nightmare4 ,a black hat1 an cru veil1 gray gloves perhaps--in these ways relief and variety must be obtained4 ,in choosing colors1 the skin1 hair and eyes should all be considered4 ,it is an exploded idea that brunettes should cling to brown4 ,much depends on the complexion4 ,,chapter ,,xvi ,,making ,,and ,,receiving ,,gifts ,,wedding gifts may be sent any time after the wedding cards are issued4 ,they are sent to the bride1 and may be as expensive and elaborate1 or as simple and inexpensive1 as the means of the sender make proper4 ,an invitation to a church wedding1 and not to the reception1 precludes the necessity of making a wedding-present4 ,indeed the matter of wedding-presents admits of more freedom each year and many people make it a rule to send gifts only to intimate friends and relatives4 ,perhaps this state of affairs has been brought about by the fact that among a certain--or uncertain--class1 invitations were sometimes issued with the special purpose of calling forth a number of presents1--in fact1 for revenue only4 ,few persons acknowledge this of themselves1 but sometimes a bride was met who was so indiscreet or so void of taste as to confess her hope that all the persons whom she invited to her nuptials would be represented by remembrances in gold1 silver1 jewelry or napery4 ,the pendulum has swung as far in the opposite direction1 and fewer wedding gifts than of old are sent from politeness alone4 ,suitable gifts for a bride are silver1 cut-glass1 table linen1 pictures1 books1 handsome chairs or tables1 rugs1 bric--brac and jewelry4 ,in fact1 anything for the new home is proper4 ,it is not customary to send wearing apparel1 except when this is given by some member of the bride's family4 ,a check made out to the bride is always a handsome gift4 ,the parents of the wife-to-be frequently give the small silver4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,marking ,,the ,,silver ,how should the silver be marked8 is sometimes asked4 ,good form demands that if the donor wishes to have his gift marked1 it must be engraved with the bride's maiden initials4 ,some persons are so thoughtful that they send silver with the request that it be returned after the ceremony by the bride for marking as she sees fit4 ,she then returns it to the firm from which it was bought1--said firm having received an order from the donor to engrave it according to the owner's wishes4 ,still1 if silver must be given marked1 it is safe to have the initials of the bride put upon it4 ,even should she die1 good taste and conventionality would forbid the use of her silver by the second wife1--should there be one4 ,while on this melancholy side of the subject it would be well to state that when a wife dies1 leaving a child1 and the husband remarries1 her silver is packed away for the child's use in future years4 ,this is demanded by custom and conventionality4 ,this rule is especially to be regarded if the child be a girl1 as she then has a right to the mother's silver1 marked with that mother's name4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,acknowledging ,,gifts ,a wedding gift is accompanied by the donor's card1--usually enclosed in a small card-envelope4 ,as soon as possible1 the bride-to-be writes a personal letter of thanks4 ,this must be cordial1 and in the first person1 somewhat in this form3 8#dbe ,cedar ,terrace1 ,milton1 ,pa4 8,my ,dear ,mrs4 ,hamilton3 8,the beautiful picture sent by ,mr4 ,hamilton and yourself has just arrived1 and ,i hasten to thank you for your kind thought of me4 ,the subject is one of which ,i am especially fond1 and the picture will do much toward making attractive the walls of our little home4 ,it will always serve to remind ,mr4 ,allen and myself of you and ,mr4 ,hamilton4 8,gratefully yours1 8,mary ,brown4 8,june nineteenth1 nineteen hundred and five40 ,if a gift arrives so late that it can not be acknowledged before the wedding1 the wife must write as soon as possible after the ceremony1--even during the first days of her honeymoon4 ,to neglect to do this is an unpardonable rudeness4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the wedding gifts may be displayed in a room by themselves on the wedding-day1 but must not be accompanied by the cards of the donors4 ,in spite of arguments pro and con1 it is certainly in better taste to remove the cards before the exhibition4 ,if there are so many present that there is any danger of the bride's forgetting from whom the different articles came1 let some member of the family keep a list1 or take an inventory1 before the cards are taken off4 ,some persons attach to each gift a tiny slip of paper bearing a number4 ,in a little book is a corresponding number after which is written the name of the sender4 ,the rules that apply to wedding-presents apply also to the gifts sent at wedding anniversaries1 be they wooden1 tin1 crystal1 silver or golden anniversaries4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,engagement ,,gifts ,engagement presents are frequently sent to the fiance1 but this is entirely a matter of taste or inclination1 and is not demanded by fashion or conventionality4 ,contributions to linen showers may be included among the engagement gifts4 ,the fashion of such 8showers0 is ephemeral1--a fact not to be regretted4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,what ,a ,,man ,,may ,,give ,a word or more is not out of place concerning the kind of gifts that a young man may make with propriety to a young woman with whom he is on agreeable terms4 ,flowers1 books1 candy1--these are gifts that he may make without offense1 and she may receive without undue or unpleasant sense of obligation4 ,if he be an old and intimate friend of her family1 he may offer her small trinkets1 or ornamental1 semi-useful articles1 such as a card-case1 or a bonbonnire4 ,anything intended solely for use is proscribed4 ,if a young man is engaged to a young woman the possible choice of gifts is1 of course1 much enlarged4 ,even then1 however1 very expensive gifts are not desirable4 ,they lessen somewhat the charm of the relation between the two4 99 99 99 99 99 ,when a baby is born1 the friends of the happy mother send her some article for the new arrival4 ,it may be a dainty dress or flannel skirt1 a cloak1 cap or tiny bit of jewelry4 ,these gifts the young mother is not supposed to acknowledge until she is strong enough to write letters without fear of weariness4 ,as a rule some member of her family writes in her stead1 expressing the mother's thanks4 ,when a baby is christened1 it is customary for the sponsors to make the little one a present4 ,this is usually a piece of silver1--as a cup1 a bowl1 marked with the child's name2 or a silver spoon1 knife and fork may be given4 ,the godparents give as a rule1 something that will prove durable1 or a gift that the child may keep all his life1 rather than an article of wearing apparel4 ,a guest invited to a christening party may bring a gift1 if he wishes to do so4 ,this may be anything that fancy dictates4 ,a pretty present for such an occasion is a 8,record0 or 8,baby's ,biography10 handsomely bound and illustrated1 containing blanks for the little one's weight at birth and each succeeding year1 for the record of his first tooth1 the first word uttered1 the first step taken1 and so on1 as well as spaces for the insertion of a lock of the baby-hair1 progressive photographs1 and other trifles dear to the mother's heart4 ,all christening gifts may be orally acknowledged by the mother when the guest presents them4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,christmas ,,gifts ,the custom of making ,christmas presents is so universal that it would seem superfluous to offer any suggestion with regard to them1 had not the dear old custom been so abused that the lovers of ,christmas must utter their protest4 ,it should be borne in mind that the only thing that makes a ,christmas gift worth while is the thought that accompanies it4 ,when it is given because policy1 habit or conventionality demands it1 it is a desecration4 ,if we must make any presents from a sense of duty1 let it be on birthdays1 on wedding-days1 on other anniversaries1--never on the anniversary of the ,great ,gift to the ,world4 ,if the spirit of good will to man does not prompt the giving1 that giving is in vain4 ,nor should a present at this time be sent simply because one expects to receive a reminder in the shape of a present from a friend4 ,a quid pro quo is not a true ,christmas remembrance4 ,sidenote3 ,,to ,,prevent ,,duplication ,let us suppose then1 that the making of holiday presents is a pleasure4 ,to simplify matters we would suggest that those who have a large circle of friends to whom they rejoice to give presents retain over to another year the list made the year previous4 ,not only will this keep in mind the person whom they would remember1 but it will prevent duplicating presents4 ,one woman learned to her dismay that for two years she had sent the same picture--a favorite with her--to a dear friend1 while another sent a friend silver button-hooks for three consecutive ,christmases4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,sincere ,,gratitude ,all gifts1 those of the holiday season included1 should be promptly acknowledged1 and never by a card marked 8,thanks40 ,if a present is worth any acknowledgment1 it is worth courteous notice4 ,when one says 8,thank you60 either verbally or by letter1 it should be uttered with sincerity1 and from the heart4 ,to omit the expression of cordial gratitude is a breach of good breeding4 ,,chapter ,,xvii ,,bachelor ,,hospitality ,,the day is past when the bachelor is supposed to have no home1 no mode of entertaining his friends1 no lares and penates1 and no 8ain fireside40 ,he is now an independent householder1 keeping house if he choose to do so1 with a corps of efficient servants1 presided over by a competent housekeeper1--or1 in a simpler manner having a small apartment of his own1 attended by a manservant or maid1 if he takes his meals in his apartment4 ,oftener1 however1 he prefers to dispense with housekeeping cares and live in a tiny apartment of two or three rooms1 going out to a restaurant for his meals4 ,he is then the most independent of creatures4 ,if he can afford to have a man to take care of his rooms and his clothes1 well and good4 ,if not1 he pays a woman to come in regularly to clean his apartment1 and she takes charge of his bed-making and dusting or1--if he be very deft1 systematic and industrious1--he does this kind of thing himself4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,bachelor',s ,,tea ,in any of the cases just cited he is at liberty to entertain4 ,he may have an afternoon tea1 or a reception1 or an after-theater chafing-dish supper4 ,unless he has his own suite of dining-room1 kitchen and butler's pantry1 he can not serve a regular meal in his rooms4 ,but there are many informal1 ,bohemian affairs to which he can invite his friends4 ,for the after-theater supper1 for instance1 he may engage a man to assist him and to have everything in readiness when the host and his party arrive at the apartment4 ,the host1 himself1 will prepare the chafing-dish dainty1 and with this may be passed articles supplied by a near-by caterer1 such as sandwiches1 ices and cakes4 ,he may make his own coffee in a ,vienna coffee-pot4 ,the whole proceeding is delightful1 informal and ,bohemian in the best sense of the word4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a sine qua non to all bachelor entertaining is a chaperon4 ,the married woman can not be dispensed with on such occasions4 ,the host may be gray-headed and old enough to be a grandfather many times over1 but1 as an unmarried man1 he must have a chaperon for his women guests4 ,if he object to this1 he must reconcile himself to entertaining only those of his own sex4 ,the age of this essential appendage to the social party makes no difference1 so long as the prefix 8,mrs40 is attached to her name4 ,she may be a bride of only a few weeks' standing1--but the fact that she is married is the essential4 ,sidenote3 ,,engaging ,,the ,,chaperon ,the host1 then1 first of all1 engages his chaperon1--asking her as a favor to assist him in his hospitable efforts4 ,she should accept graciously1 but the man will show by his manner that he is honored by her undertaking this office for him4 ,she must be promptly at his rooms at the hour mentioned1 as it would be the height of impropriety for one of the young women to arrive there before the matron4 ,if she prefer she may accompany a bevy of the girls invited4 ,to her the host defers1 from her he asks advice1 and to her he pays special deference4 ,if there is tea to be poured1 as at an afternoon function1 it is she who is asked to do it1 and she may1 with a pretty air of assuming responsibility1 manage affairs somewhat as if in her own home1 still remembering that she is a guest4 ,in this matter tact and a knowledge of the ways of the world play a large part4 ,the chaperon is bound to remain until the last girl takes her departure1 after which it is quite en rgle for the host to offer his escort1 unless she accompanies the last guest1 or a carriage be awaiting her4 ,the host thanks her cordially for her kind offices1 and she in turn expresses herself as honored by the compliment he has paid her4 ,sidenote3 ,,inviting ,,the ,,guests ,perhaps the simplest form of entertainment for the unmarried man to give in his own quarters is the afternoon tea in some of its various forms4 ,for this function the man must not issue cards1 but must write personal notes1 or ask his guests orally4 ,he may invite several friends who will supply music4 ,if he have some friend who is especially gifted musically1 and whom he would gladly bring before the eyes of the public1 he may make the presence of this friend an excellent reason for this afternoon reception4 ,after having secured the chaperon's acceptance he may write some such note as the following3 8,my dear ,miss ,brown3 8,i shall be delighted if you1 with a few other choice spirits1 will take tea with me in my apartment next ,tuesday afternoon about four o'clock4 ,i shall have with me at that time my friend1 ,mr4 ,frank ,merrill1 who sings1 ,i think1 passing well4 ,i want my friends who appreciate music and to whom his voice will give pleasure to hear him in my rooms at the time mentioned4 ,do come6 8,henry ,barbour4 8,august the tenth1 #aije40 ,there should1 if possible1 be a maid1 or a man in livery to attend the door1 but1 if this is not practicable1 and the affair be very informal1 the host may himself admit his guests1 and escort them to the door when they leave4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,serving ,,the ,,refreshments ,the only refreshments necessary are thin bread and butter1 and some dainty sandwiches1 small cakes and tea with sugar1 cream and thin slices of lemon4 ,these things are arranged upon a prettily set table in one corner of the room1 and are presided over by the chaperon1 who also1 when the opportunity affords1 moves about among the guests1 chatting to each and all as if she were in her own drawing-room4 ,if the man has several rooms1 one may be opened as a dressing-room in which the women may lay their wraps4 ,the men guests may leave their coats and hats on the hall table or rack4 ,when the guests depart it is pretty and deferential for the host to thank the women for making his apartment bright and attractive for the afternoon4 ,it is always well for a man to show by his manner that his woman guest has honored him by her presence4 99 99 99 99 99 ,an evening reception may be conducted in a similar way1 but at this time coffee and chocolate take the place of tea4 ,or1 if the host prefer1 he may serve only cake and coffee1 or punch1 or ices in addition to the cake and coffee4 99 99 99 99 99 ,if a bachelor be also a householder to the extent of running a regular mnage1 he may give a dinner in his home just as a woman might4 ,he first engages his chaperon1 then invites his guests4 ,the chaperon is the guest of honor1 is taken out to dinner by the host and sits at his right4 ,it is also her place to make the move for the women to leave the men to their cigars and coffee1 and proceed to the drawing-room4 ,here1 after a very few minutes1 the women are joined by the men or1 at all events1 by the host1 who may1 if he like1 give his men guests permission to linger in the dining-room a little longer than he does4 ,they will1 however1 not take long advantage of this permission1 but1 at the expiration of five or ten minutes1 will follow their host to the drawing-room4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,restaurant ,,supper ,the man who can not entertain in his own rooms may return any hospitality shown to him by giving a supper or dinner at a restaurant or hotel4 ,in this case he must still have a chaperon1--if the party is to be made up of unmarried persons4 ,for such an affair as this he engages his table and orders the dinner beforehand1 seeing for himself that the flowers and decorations chosen are just what he wishes4 ,it is his place to escort the chaperon to the restaurant and to seat her at his right4 ,everything is so perfectly conducted at well-regulated restaurants that the course of the dinner will progress without the host's concerning himself about it4 ,if1 however1 the host wishes to give an order1 he should beckon to a waiter1 and in a low tone make the necessary suggestion or give the requisite order4 ,it is1 at such a juncture1 the part of the chaperon to keep the conversational ball rolling1--in short1 to act as if she were hostess4 ,the dinner over1 the host escorts his guests as far as the door of the restaurant1 going to the various carriages with the women1 then calls up the chaperon's carriage and1 himself1 accompanies her to her home4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,bachelor ,,dinner ,at a bachelor dinner the host may provide corsage bouquets for the ladies and boutonnires for the men4 ,it is also a pretty compliment for him to send to the chaperon at his afternoon or evening reception1 flowers for her to wear4 ,but this is not essential1 and is a compliment that may be dispensed with in the case of a man who must consider the small economies of life4 ,of course1 no dinner call is made on the bachelor entertainer4 ,it is hardly worth while to suggest that the women whom he has honored make a point of soon inviting him to their homes4 ,in this day there is little need to remind women of the attentions they may with propriety pay to an eligible and unattached man4 ,,chapter ,,xviii ,,the ,,visitor ,,an invitation to visit a friend in her home must always be answered promptly4 ,the invited person should think seriously before accepting such an invitation1 and1 unfortunately1 one of the things she has to consider is her wardrobe4 ,if the hostess has a superb house1 and the guest is to be one of many1 all wealthy except herself1 all handsomely gowned except herself1 and if she will feel like an ,english sparrow in a flock of birds of paradise1 she would better acknowledge the invitation1 with gratitude1 and stay at home4 ,if she does go1 let her determine to make no apologies for her appearance1 but to accommodate herself to the ways of the household she visits4 ,one woman1 visiting in a handsome home1 was distressed to the point of weeping by the fact that1 on her arrival1 her hostess' maid came to the guest's room and unpacked her trunk for her1 putting the contents in bureau-drawers and wardrobe4 ,it would have been better form if the visitor had taken what seemed to her an innovation as a matter of course1 and expressed neither chagrin nor distress at the kindly-meant and customary attention4 ,if1 then1 our invited person1 after taking all things into consideration1 decides to accept the invitation sent her1 let her state just when she is coming1 and go at that time4 ,of course she will make her plans agree with those of her future hostess4 ,the exact train should be named1 and the schedule set must not be deviated from4 99 99 99 99 99 ,it may be said right here that no one should make a visit uninvited4 ,few persons would do this1--but some few have been guilty of this breach of etiquette4 ,one need not always wait for an invitation from an intimate friend1 nor member of one's family with whom one can never be de trop1 but1 even then1 one should1 by telegram or telephone1 give notice of one's coming4 ,if ,i could1 ,i would make a rule that no one should pay an unexpected visit of several days' duration4 ,if one must go uninvited1 one should give the prospective hosts ample notice of the intended visit1 begging1 at the same time1 that one may be notified if the suggested plan be inconvenient4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,be ,,prompt ,,and ,,definite ,when a letter of invitation is accepted1 the acceptance must not only be prompt1 but must clearly state how long one intends to stay4 ,it is embarrassing to a hostess not to know whether her guest means to remain a few days or many4 ,as will be seen in the chapter on 8,the ,visited10 the hostess can do much to obviate this uncertainty by asking a friend for a visit of a specified length4 ,but1 in accepting1 the guest must also say how long she will remain4 ,an invitation should be received gratefully4 ,in few things does breeding show more than in the manner of acknowledging an invitation to a friend's house4 ,she who asks another to be a member of her household for even a short time is paying the person asked the greatest honor it is in her power to confer1 and it should be appreciated by the recipient4 ,he who does not appreciate the honor implied in such an invitation is unmannerly4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,always ,,arrive ,,on ,,time ,an invitation once accepted1 nothing but such a serious contingency as illness must prevent one's fulfilling the engagement4 ,one must never arrive ahead of time4 ,once in the home of a friend the guest makes herself as much a member of the household as possible4 ,the hours of meals must be ascertained1 and promptness in everything be the rule4 ,to lie in bed after one is called1 and to appear at the breakfast table at one's own sweet will1 is often an inconvenience to the hostess1 and the cause of vexation and discontent on the part of the servants1 for which discontent the hostess--not the guest--pays the penalty4 ,unless1 then1 the latter is told expressly that the hour at which she descends to the first meal of the day is truly of no consequence in the household1 she must come into the breakfast-room at the hour named by the mistress of the house4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,duties ,,of ,a ,,guest ,on the other hand1 one should not come down a half-hour before breakfast and sit in the drawing-room or library1 thus keeping the maid or hostess from dusting these rooms and setting them to rights4 ,the considerate guest will stay in her own room until breakfast is announced1 then descend immediately4 ,if the weather is fair1 she may1 of course1 walk in the grounds close to the house4 ,if amusements have been planned for the guest1 she will do her best to enjoy them1 or1 at all events1 to show gratitude for the kind intentions in her behalf4 ,she must resolve to evince an interest in all that is done1 and1 if she can not join in the amusement1 give evidence of an appreciation of the efforts that have been made to entertain4 ,the guest must remember that the hosts are doing their best to please her1 and that out of ordinary humanity1 if not civility1 gratitude should be shown and expressed for these endeavors4 99 99 99 99 99 ,if the hostess be a busy housewife1 who has many duties about the house which she must perform herself1 the visitor may occasionally try to 8lend a hand0 by dusting her own room or making her own bed4 ,if1 however1 she is discovered at these tasks1 and observes that the hostess looks worried1 or objects to the guest thus exerting herself1 it is the truest courtesy not to repeat the efforts to be of assistance4 ,it disturbs some housewives to know that a visitor is performing any household tasks4 99 99 99 99 99 ,it is safe to say that a guest should go home at the time set unless the hostess urges her to do otherwise1 or has some excellent reason for wishing her to change her plans4 ,to remain beyond the time expected is a great mistake1 unless one knows that it will be a genuine convenience to the hosts to have one stay4 ,the old saying that a guest should not make a host twice glad has sound common sense as its basis4 ,if a visitor is persuaded to extend her visit1 it must be only for a short time1 and she must herself set the limit of this stay1 at which time nothing must in any way be allowed to deter her from taking her departure4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,necessity ,,for ,,tact ,the visitor in a family must exercise tact in many ways4 ,above all she must avoid any participation in little discussions between persons in the family4 ,if the father takes one side of an argument1 the mother the other1 the wise guest will keep silent1 unless one or the other appeal to her for confirmation of his or her assertions1--in which case she should smilingly say that she would rather not express an opinion1 or laugh the matter off in such a way as to change the current of the conversation4 ,another thing that a guest must avoid is reproving the children of the house in even the mildest1 gentlest way4 ,she must also resist the impulse to make an audible excuse for a child when he is reprimanded in her presence4 ,to do either of these things is a breach of etiquette4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,week-,,end ,,party ,if she be so fortunate as to be invited to a house-party or a week-end party1 she should accept or decline at once1 that the hostess may know for how many people to provide rooms4 ,for such an affair one should take handsome gowns1 as a good deal of festivity and dress is customary among the jolly group thus brought together4 ,a dinner or evening gown is essential1 and if1 as is customary1 the house-party be given at a country-home1 the visitor must have a short walking-skirt and walking-boots1 as well as a carriage costume4 ,once a member of a house-party1 the rule is simple enough4 ,do as the others do1 and enter with a will on all the entertainment provided by the host and hostess for the party4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,question ,,of ,,tips ,if you make a visit of any length you must not fail1 if you are conventional1 to leave a little money for each servant who has1 by her services in any capacity1 contributed to your comfort4 ,this will1 of course1 include the maid who has cared for the bedroom1 and the waitress4 ,by one of these servants send something to the cook1 and a message of thanks for the good things which she has made and you have enjoyed4 ,the laundress need not be inevitably remembered1 unless she has done a little washing for you2 still1 when one considers the extra bed and table linen to be washed1 it is as well to leave a half dollar for her also4 ,the amount of such fees must be determined by the length of one's purse2 and must never be so large as to appear lavish and unnecessary4 ,a dollar1 if you can afford it and have made a visit of any length1 will be sufficient for each maid4 ,the coachman who drives you to the train must receive the same amount4 ,there is1 one is glad to say1 an occasional household in which the idea of tips is regarded as contrary to the spirit of true hospitality4 ,in such homes the mistress herself sees that the servants receive extra pay for the extra work entailed by guests1 and the hotel atmosphere suggested by tipping is fortunately done away with4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,bread-,,and-,,butter ,,note ,after the guest has returned to her own home1 her duties toward her recent hosts are not at an end until she has written what is slangily known as 8the bread-and-butter letter40 ,this is simply a note1 telling of one's safe arrival at one's destination1 and thanking the hostess for the pleasant visit one has had4 ,a few lines are all that etiquette demands1 but it requires these1 and decrees that they be despatched at once4 ,to neglect to write the letter demanded by those twin sisters1 ,conventionality and ,courtesy1 is a grave breach of the etiquette of the visitor4 99 99 99 99 99 ,hospitality as a duty has been written up from the beginning of human life4 ,the obligations of those who1 in quaint old ,english phrase1 8guesten0 with neighbors1 or strangers1 have had so little attention it is no wonder they are lightly considered1 in comparison4 ,we hear much of men who play the host royally1 and of the perfect hostess4 ,if hospitality be reckoned among the fine arts and moral virtues1 to 8guesten0 aright is a saving social grace4 ,where ten excellent hosts are found we are fortunate if we meet one guest who knows his business and does it4 ,the consciousness of this neglected fact prompts us to write in connection with our cardinal virtue of giving1 of what we must perforce coin a word to define as 8,guestly ,etiquette40 ,we have said elsewhere that the first1 and oftentimes a humiliating step1 in the acquisition of all knowledge1 from making a pudding to governing an empire1 is to learn how not to do it4 ,two-thirds of the people who 8guesten0 with us never get beyond the initiatory step4 ,sidenote3 ,,guests ,,are ,,not ,,boarders ,the writer of this page could give from memory a list that would cover pages of foolscap1 of people who called themselves well-bred and who were in the main well-meaning1 who have deported themselves in hospitable homes as if they were registered boarders in a hotel4 ,settle within your own mind1 in entering your friend's doors1 that what you receive is not to be paid for in dollars and cents4 ,the thought will deprive you at once of the right to complain or to criticize4 ,this should be a self-evident law4 ,it is so far1 however1 from being self-evident that it is violated every day and in scores of homes where refinement is supposed to regulate social usages4 99 99 99 99 99 ,taking at random illustrations that crowd in on memories of my own experiences1--let me draw into line the distinguished clergyman who always brought his own bread to the table1 informing me that my hot muffins were 8rank poison to any rightly-appointed stomach02 another man1 equally distinguished in another profession1 who summoned a chambermaid at eleven o'clock at night to drag his bed across the room that he might lie due east and west2 an author who never went to bed until two o'clock in the morning1 and complained sourly at breakfast time that 8your servants1 madam1 banked up the furnace fire so early that the house got cold by midnight02 the popular musician who informed me 8your piano is horribly out of tune02 the man and wife who 8couldn't sleep a wink because there was a mosquito in the room02 the eminent jurist who sat out an evening in the library of my country-house with his hat on because 8the room was drafty02--ah6 my fellow housemothers can match every instance of the lack of the guestly conscience by stories from their own repositories4 ,sidenote3 ,,annoying ,,familiarities ,the guest who is told to consider himself as one of the family knows the invitation to be a figure of polite speech as well as he who says it knows it to be an empty form4 ,one man ,i wot of sings and whistles in the halls and upon the stairs of his host's house to show how joyfully he is at home4 ,another stretches himself at length upon the library sofa1 and smokes the cigar of peace 7to himself7 at all hours1 an ash-cup upon the floor within easy distance4 ,a third helps himself to his host's cigars whenever he likes without saying 8by your leave40 ,each may fancy that he is following out the hospitable intentions of his entertainers when1 in fact1 he is selfishly oblivious of guestly duty and propriety4 ,one who has given the subject more than a passing thought might suppose it unnecessary to lay down to well-bred readers 8,laws for ,table ,manners ,while ,visiting40 ,yet1 when ,i saw a man of excellent lineage1 and a university graduate1 thump his empty tumbler on the table to attract the attention of the waitress1 and heard him a few minutes later call out to her 8,butter--please60 ,i wished that the study of such a manual had been included as a regular course in the college curriculum4 ,a true anecdote recurs to me here that may soothe national pride with the knowledge that the solecisms ,i have described and others that have not added to the traveled ,american's reputation for breeding1 are not confined to our side of the ocean4 ,sidenote3 ,,english ,,frankness ,lord and ,lady ,b----1 names familiar some years back to the students of the 8high-life0 columns of our papers1 were at a dinner party in ,new ,york with an acquaintance of mine who painted the scene for me4 ,lady ,b----1 tasting her soup as soon as it was set down in front of her1 calls to her husband at the other end of the table3 8,b----1 my dear6 ,don't eat this soup6 ,it is quite filthy6 ,there are tomatoes in it60 ,we ,americans are less brutally frank than our ,english cousins4 ,yet ,i thought of ,lady ,b---- last week when my vis--vis1--a slim1 pretty1 accomplished matron of thirty1 or thereabouts--at an admirably-appointed family dinner1 accepted a plate of soup1 tasted it1 laid down her spoon and did not touch it again1 repeating the action with an entre1 and with the dessert of peaches and cream4 ,she did not grimace her distaste of any one of the three articles of food1 it is true1 being1 thus far1 better-mannered than our titled vulgarian4 ,in effect1 she implied the same thing by tasting of each portion and declining to eat more than the tentative mouthful4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,self-,,discipline ,to sum up our table of rules3 ,bethink yourself1 from your entrance to your exit from your host's house1 of the sure way of adding to the comfort and pleasure of those who have honored you by inviting you to sojourn under their roof-tree4 ,if possessed of the true spirit of hospitality1 they will find that pleasure in promoting yours4 ,learn from them and be not one whit behind them in the good work4 ,if they propose any especial form of amusement1 fall in with their plans readily and cordially4 ,you may not enjoy a stately drive through dusty roads behind fat family horses1 or a tramp over briery fields with the hostess who is addicted to berrying and botanizing--but go as if that were the exact bent of taste and desire4 ,a dinner party1 made up of men who talk business and nothing else1 and their over-dressed wives1 who revel in the discussion of what ,mrs4 ,sherwood calls 8,the ,three ,dreadful ,d's0--,disease1 ,dress and ,domestics--may typify to you the acme of boredom4 ,comport yourself as if you were in your native element and happy there4 ,the self-discipline will be a means of grace in more ways than one4 ,sidenote3 ,,never ,,show ,,boredom ,on ,sunday accompany your hosts to their place of worship with the same cheerful readiness to like what they like4 ,you may be a high church ,episcopalian and they belong to the broadest wing of ,unitarians or the straitest sect of ,evangelicals4 ,put prejudice and personal preference behind you and find consolation in the serene conviction of guestly duty done--and done in a truly ,christian spirit4 ,,chapter ,,xix ,,the ,,visited ,,it has been said1--and with an unfortunate amount of truth1 that the gracious old-fashioned art of hospitality is dying out4 ,those who keep open house from year's end to year's end1 from whose doors the latch-string floats in the breeze1 ready for the fingers of any friend who will grasp it1 are few4 ,the 8entertaining0 that is done now does not compensate us for the loss of what may be called the 8latch-string-out0 custom of the days gone by4 ,luncheons1 teas1 dinners1 card-parties1 receptions and the like1 fill the days with engagements and hold our eyes waking until the morning hours1 but this is a kind of wholesale hospitality as it were1 and done by contract4 ,such affairs remind one ludicrously of the irreligious and historic farmer-boy who1 reminiscent of his father's long-winded 8grace before meat10 suggested when they salted the pork for the winter that he 8say grace over the whole barrel0 and pay off a disagreeable obligation all at one time4 ,sidenote3 ,,servants ,,and ,,guests ,perhaps if our hostess were frank she would acknowledge a similar desire when she sends out cards by the hundreds and fills her drawing-rooms to overflowing with guests1 scores of whom care to come even less than she cares to have them4 ,but there seems to be a credit and debit account kept1 and once in so often it is incumbent on the society woman to 8give something40 ,florists and caterers are called to her aid1 and1 with waiters and assistants hired for the occasion1 take the work of preparation for the entertainment off my lady's hands4 99 99 99 99 99 ,in speaking of hospitality in this chapter1 we refer especially to the entertaining of a visitor for one1 or many days in the home4 ,not long ago we made a point of asking several housekeepers why they did not invite friends to visit them4 ,three out of four interviewed on the subject agreed that the servants were the main drawback4 ,the fourth woman1 who was in moderate circumstances1 confessed that she did not want guests unless she could 8entertain them handsomely40 ,to obviate the first-mentioned difficulty1 every housekeeper should1 when engaging a servant1 declare boldly that she receives her friends at will1 in her home1 and have that fact understood from the outset of ,bridget's or ,gretchen's career with her4 ,at the same time she should remember that extra work should mean extra pay or its equivalent in help4 ,it is astonishing how inconsiderate many women1 otherwise kindly1 are in their relation to domestic servants4 ,as to the reason given by the fourth housekeeper1 it is too contemptible to be considered by a sensible woman4 ,our guests come to see us for ourselves1 not for the beauty of our houses1 or for the elegance of our manner of living4 ,the woman whose house is clean and furnished as her means permit1 who sets her table with the best that she can provide for her own dear ones1 is always prepared for company4 ,there may be times when the unlooked-for coming of a guest is an inconvenience4 ,it should never be the cause of a moment's mortification4 ,only pretense1 and seeming to be what one is not1 need cause a sensation of shame4 ,if a friend comes1 put another plate at the table1 and take him into the sanctum sanctorum--the home4 ,with such a welcome the simplest home is dignified4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,meeting ,,the ,,guest ,but as to the invited guest4 ,the hostess knows when she wishes to receive her friend1 and1 in a cordial invitation1 states the exact date upon which she has decided1 giving the hour of the arrival of trains1 and saying that she or some member of her family will meet the guest at the station4 ,one who has ever arrived at a strange locality1 8unmet10 knows the peculiar sinking of heart caused by the neglect of this simple duty on the part of the hostess4 ,the letter of invitation should also state how long the visitor is expected to stay4 ,this may be easily done by writing--8,will you come to us on the twenty-first and stay for a week80 or1 8,we want you to make us a fortnight's visit1 coming on the fifteenth40 ,if one can honestly add to an invitation1 8,we hope that you may be able to extend the time set1 as we want to keep you as long as possible10 it may be done4 ,if not meant1 the insincere phrase is inexcusable4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,guest ,,chamber ,elaborate preparations should be avoided--preparations that weary the hostess and try the tempers of servants4 ,the guest-chamber will be clean1 sweet and dainty4 ,no matter how competent a chambermaid is1 the mistress must see for herself that sheets1 pillow-slips and towels are spotless1 and that there are no dusty corners in the room4 ,a trustworthy thermometer should hang in full view1 that the guest may regulate by it the temperature of her room4 ,if the visitor be a woman1 and flowers are in season1 a vase of favorite blossoms will be placed on the dressing-table4 ,the desk or writing-table will be supplied with paper1 envelopes1 pens1 ink1 stamps and a calendar4 ,several interesting novels or magazines should be within reach4 ,all these trifles add to the home-like feeling of the new arrival4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,let ,,your ,,guest ,,alone ,a welcome should be cordial and honest4 ,a hostess should take time to warm her guest's heart by telling her that she is glad1 genuinely glad1 to have her in her home4 ,she should also do all she can to make the visitor forget that she is away from her own house4 ,all this done1 the guest should be let alone6 ,we mean this1 strange as it may seem4 ,many well-meaning hostesses annoy guests by following them up and by insisting that they shall be 8doing something0 all the time4 ,this is almost as wearing and depressing as neglect would be4 ,each person wants to be alone a part of the time4 ,a visitor is no exception to this rule4 ,she has letters to write1 or an interesting book she wants to read1 or1 if she needs the rest and change her visit should bring her1 it will be luxury to her to don a kimono and relax on the couch or bed in her room for an hour or two a day4 ,the thought that one's hostess is noting and wondering at one's absence from the drawing-room1 where one is expected to be on exhibition1 is to a nervous person akin to torture4 ,allow all possible freedom as to the hour for rising1 provide a certain amount of entertainment for the visitor in the way of outdoor exercise 7if she likes it71 callers1 amusements and so forth1 and then 7again7 in plain ,english1 let her alone6 99 99 99 99 99 ,one must never insist that a guest remain beyond the time set for her return1 if the guest declares sincerely that to remain longer is inadvisable4 ,to speed the parting guest is an item of true hospitality4 ,the hostess may beg her to stay when she feels that the visitor can conveniently do so1 and when her manner shows that she desires to do so4 ,but when the suggestion has been firmly and gratefully declined1 the matter should be dropped4 ,a guest who feels that she must return to her home for business1 family or private reasons1 is embarrassed by the insistence on the part of her entertainers that such return is unnecessary4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,a ,,guest',s ,,expenses ,of course1 the visitor in one's house should be spared all possible expense4 ,the porter who brings the trunk should be paid by the host1 unless the guest forestalls him in his hospitable intention4 ,car-fares1 hack-hire and such things1 are paid by the members of the family visited4 ,all these things should be done so unobtrusively as to escape1 if possible1 the notice of the person entertained4 ,if a woman have two maids1 the second maid should1 shortly before the retiring hour1 go to the guest's room1 turn down the covers of the bed and provide a pitcher of fresh drinking-water4 ,in the event of having one maid only1 the hostess will perform these offices herself4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,true ,,hospitality ,no matter what happens--should there be illness and even death in the family--a hospitable person will not allow the stranger within her gates to feel that she is in the way1 or her presence an inconvenience4 ,there is no greater cruelty than that of allowing a guest in the home to feel that matters would run more smoothly were she absent4 ,only better breeding on the part of the visitor than is possessed by her hostess will prevent her leaving the house and returning to her home4 ,should sudden illness in the family occur1 the considerate person will leave4 ,but this must be permitted only under protest4 ,to invite a friend to one's house1 and then seem to find her presence unwelcome is only a degree less cruel than confining a bird in a cage1 where he can not forage for himself1 and slowly starving him4 ,if one has not the hospitable instinct developed strongly enough to feel the right sentiment1 let him feign it1 or refuse to attempt to entertain friends4 ,the person under one's roof should be1 for the time1 sacred1 and the host who does not feel this is altogether lacking in the finer instincts that accompany good breeding4 ,we know one home in which hospitality is dispensed in a way no guest ever forgets4 ,from the time the visitor enters the doors of this ,house ,beautiful she is1 as it were1 enwrapped in an atmosphere of loving consideration impossible to describe4 ,one guest1 visiting there with her children1 was horrified at their being taken suddenly ill with grippe1--so ill that to travel with them just then was dangerous4 ,she was hundreds of miles away from home with the possibility of the children's being confined to the house for some days to come4 ,the physician summoned confirmed her fears4 ,the distressed mother knew only too well what an inconvenience illness is1--especially in a friend's house instead of in one's own home4 ,sidenote3 ,,an ,,ideal ,,hostess ,all the members of the household united in making the disconcerted woman feel that this home was the one and only place in which the little ones should have been seized with the prevailing epidemic2 that it was a pleasure to have them there under any circumstances2 that to wait on them and their mother was a privilege4 ,the sweet-voiced1 sweet-faced hostess1 herself an invalid at this time1 drew the anxious visitor down on the bed beside her and kissed her as she said3 8,dear child6 try to believe that you and yours are as welcome here as in your own dear mother's home40 ,surely of such is the ,kingdom of ,heaven6 ,,chapter ,,xx ,,hospitality ,,as ,a ,,duty ,,if ours were a perfect state of society1 constructed on the ,golden ,rule1 animated and guided throughout by unselfish love for friend and neighbor1 and charity for the needy1 there would be no propriety in writing this chapter4 ,home1 domestic comfort and happiness being our best earthly possessions1 we would be eagerly willing to share them with others4 ,as society is constructed under a state of artificial civilization1 and as our homes are kept and our households are run1 the element of duty must interfere1 or hospitality would become a lost art4 ,even where the spirit of this--one of the most venerable of virtues--is not wanting1 conscience is called in to regulate the manner and the seasons in which it should be exercised4 ,as a corner-stone1 assume1 once for all1 that a binding obligation rests on you to visit1 and to receive visits1 and to entertain friends1 acquaintances and strangers in a style consistent with your means1 at such times as may be consistent with more serious engagements4 ,having once issued an invitation1 you are sacredly bound on the day named to give yourself completely to your guests4 ,to invite people to dinner and then ask them to leave early in order that one may accept an invitation that one has received in the meantime1 would seem impossible to a woman of right instincts--but it has been done1 at least by women of social prominence4 ,sidenote3 ,,returning ,,courtesies ,it may sound harsh to assert that you have no right to accept hospitality for which you can never make any return in kind4 ,the principle is1 nevertheless1 sound to the core4 ,those who read the newspapers forty years ago will recall a characteristic incident in the early life of ,colonel ,ellsworth1 the brilliant young lawyer who was one of the first notable victims of the ,civil ,war4 ,his struggles to gain a foothold in his profession were attended by many hardships and humiliating privations4 ,once1 finding the man he was looking for on a matter of business1 in a restaurant1 he was invited to partake of the luncheon to which his acquaintance was just sitting down4 ,ellsworth was ravenously hungry1 almost starving1 in fact1 but he declined courteously but firmly1 asking permission to talk over the business that had brought him thither1 while the other went on with the meal4 ,the brave young fellow1 in telling the story in after years1 confessed that he suffered positive agony at the sight and smell of the tempting food4 ,sidenote3 ,a ,,reciprocating ,,spirit 8,i could not1 in honor1 accept hospitality ,i could not reciprocate10 was his simple explanation of his refusal4 8,i might starve1 ,i could not sponge60 ,sponging--to put it plainly--is pauperism4 ,the one who eats of your bread and salt becomes1 in his own eyes--not in yours--your debtor4 ,for the very genius of hospitality is to give1 not expecting to receive again4 7,this by the way67 ,i do not mean if your wealthy acquaintance invites you to a fifteen-course dinner1 the cost of which equals your monthly income1 that you are in honor or duty bound to bid her to an entertainment as elaborate1 or that you suffer in her estimation1 or by the loss of your self-respect4 ,but by the acceptance of the invitation you bind yourself to reciprocation of some sort4 ,if you can do nothing more1 ask your hostess to afternoon tea in your own house or flat1 and have a few congenial spirits to meet her there4 ,it is the spirit in such a case that makes alive and keeps alive the genial glow of good will and cordial friendliness4 ,the letter of commercial obligation1 like for like1 in degree1 and not in kind1 would kill true hospitality4 99 99 99 99 99 ,your friend's friend1 introduced by him and calling on you1 has a proved claim on your social offices4 ,if you can not make a special entertainment for him1 ask him to a family dinner1 explaining that it is such1 and make up in kindly welcome for the lack of lordly cheer4 ,if it be a woman1 invite her to luncheon with you and a friend or two1 or to a drive1 winding up with afternoon tea in some of the quietly elegant tea-rooms that seem to have been devised for the express use of people of generous impulses and slender purses4 ,it is not the cost in coin of the realm that tells with the stranger1 but the temper in which the tribute is offered4 ,sidenote3 ,,entertaining ,,the ,,stranger 8,i do not #8entertain' in the sense in which the word is generally used10 wrote a distinguished woman to me once1 hearing that ,i was to be in her neighborhood4 8,but ,i can not let you pass me by4 ,come on ,thursday1 and lunch with me1 en tte--tte40 ,i accepted gladly1 and the memory of that meal1 elegant in simplicity1 shared with one whom my soul delights to honor1 is as an apple of gold set in a picture of silver4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the stranger1 as such1 has a ,scriptural claim on you1 when circumstances make him your neighbor4 ,in thousands of homes since the day when ,abraham ran from his tent-door to constrain the thirsting and hungering travelers to accept such rest and refreshment as he could offer them during the heat of the day1 angels have been entertained unawares in the guise of strangerhood4 ,sidenote3 ,,poetic ,,justice 8,did you know the ,b----'s before they came to our town80 asked an inquisitive ,new ,englander of one of her near neighbors4 8,no40 8,then--you won't mind my asking you8--why did you invite them to dinner on ,thanksgiving ,day8 ,it's made a deal of talk40 ,abraham's disciple smiled4 8,because they were strangers1 and seemed to be lonely4 ,they are respectable1 and they live on my street40 ,poetical justice requires me to add that the ,b----'s1 who became the lifelong friends of their first hostess in the strange land1 proved to be people of distinction whom the best citizens of the exclusive little town soon vied with one another in 8cultivating40 ,in ignorance of their antecedents the imitator of the tent-holder of ,mamre did her duty from the purest of motives4 ,not one individual or one family has a moral or a social right to neglect the practise of hospitality4 ,unless one is confined to the house or bed by illness1 one should visit and invite visits in return4 ,we are human beings1 not hermit crabs4 ,,chapter ,,xxi ,,the ,,house ,,of ,,mourning ,,the observance of mourning is a difficult matter to treat1 for individual feeling enters largely into the question4 ,still1 there are certain rules accepted by those who would not be made remarkable by their scorn of conventionalities4 ,the matter of mourning-cards and stationery has been treated in the chapter on 8,calls and ,cards10 and on 8,letter-,writing40 ,a word may here be added with regard to the letter of condolence4 ,this should be written to the bereaved person as soon as practicable after the death for which she mourns4 ,it must not be long1 but should express in a few sincere words the sympathy felt1 and the wish to do something to help alleviate the mourner's distress4 ,this letter does not demand an answer1 but some persons try1 some weeks after such letters have been received1 to reply to them4 ,this is not really necessary1 except when the writer is a near friend of the family4 ,in many cases1 a black-edged card bearing the words1 8,mr4 and ,mrs4 ---- wish to thank you for your kind sympathy in their recent bereavement10 is mailed to the writer4 ,if one does not write a letter1 one may send to or leave at the house of mourning a card1 bearing the words1 8,sincere sympathy10 upon it4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,attending ,a ,,funeral ,the funeral notice in the daily papers is now sometimes accompanied by the request1 8,kindly omit flowers40 ,to send flowers after the appearance of such a notice is the height of rudeness and shows little respect to the dead and none for the family4 ,if there are more flowers than can be taken to the cemetery1 those left may be sent to the inmates of hospitals1 who need not know that they were intended for a funeral4 ,those who attend a funeral should dress quietly1 but they need not wear black unless they prefer to do so4 ,while few persons would be guilty of attending a funeral out of curiosity1 there are undoubtedly some who do4 ,sensitive people are growing to realize that the last ceremony for the dead is too sacred to be shared except with those who are really entitled by close ties to be present and have signified by personal messenger those whom they desired should be present4 ,in attending a funeral one should be prompt1 and yet not so far ahead of the hour set as to arrive before the final arrangements are completed4 ,at a church or house funeral1 one should wait to be seated as the undertaker or his assistant directs4 ,nor should one ever linger after the services to speak to any members of the family1 unless one is particularly requested to do so4 ,one should not expect to look on the face of the dead unless one is asked to do so4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,closing ,,the ,,casket ,in churches of two denominations it is not customary to have the coffin opened to the public gaze4 ,it is a pity that this law is not universal1 but it is becoming more common to have the casket left closed through the entire service4 ,it certainly spares the mourners the agonizing period during which the long line of friends1 and strangers who come from vulgar curiosity1 file past and look on the unshielded features of the dead4 ,some one has said that the custom of allowing the curious who did not know the deceased1 and who cared nothing for him1 to gaze on his face after death1 seems to be taking an unfair advantage of the dead4 99 99 99 99 99 ,many persons prefer a quiet house funeral for one they love1 for there are few persons vulgar or bold enough to force themselves into the house of mourning1 where only those who knew and loved the departed are welcome4 ,but the method of personal invitation makes the presence of such people impossible4 ,at a house funeral the clergyman stands near the head of the coffin while he reads the service1 the audience standing or sitting as the custom of the special service used demands4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,church ,,funeral ,at a church funeral1 the clergyman meets the coffin at the door and precedes it up the aisle1 reading the burial service4 ,as he begins to read1 the congregation rises and stands as the procession moves forward4 ,when1 after the services1 the coffin is lifted by the bearers1 the congregation again rises and remains standing until the casket has been taken from the church4 ,a private interment1 or one at the convenience of the family1 is now almost universal4 ,unless invited1 no outsider1 even if he be a friend of the family1 will go to the cemetery under such circumstances4 99 99 99 99 99 ,after the funeral1 and when one's friends have begun to realize sorrow1 is the time when it is the hardest to bear4 ,it is then that the sympathetic person may do much toward brightening the long and dreary days in the house of mourning4 ,flowers left at the door occasionally1 frequent calls1 an occasional cheering note1 a bright book lent1 are a few of the small courtesies that amount to actual benefactions4 ,only those who have had to learn to live with a grief that is almost forgot by others know what such tokens of thoughtful sympathy mean4 ,all who count themselves friends should call within a month1 always telling the maid that if the ladies do not feel like appearing they are not to do so4 ,sidenote3 ,a ,,widow',s ,,dress ,the heaviest mourning demanded by conventionality is worn by a widow1 but even she is now allowed to dispense with the heavy crape veil4 ,in its place is the long veil of nun's veiling1 which is worn over the face only at the funeral4 ,with it is a face-veil1 trimmed with crape1 and a white ruche or 8widow's cap0 stitched inside of the brim of the small bonnet4 ,the dress is of ,henrietta cloth1 or other lusterless material1 and may be trimmed with crape4 ,black sude gloves and black-bordered handkerchiefs--if these are liked--are proper4 ,the widow seldom discards her veil under two years1--some widows wear it always4 ,after the first year it is shortened4 ,it is a matter for congratulation that crape1 that most expensive1 unwholesome1 perishable and inartistic of materials1 is worn less and less with each passing year4 ,surely to have to wrap one's self in its stiff and malodorous folds adds discomfort to grief4 ,it is now seldom worn except by widows1 although a daughter may wear it for a parent1 a mother for her child4 ,the matter of the mourning-veil is one each person must settle for herself1 although the strictest followers of fashion deprecate its use for any women except widows4 ,some bereaved daughters and mothers wear it1 but not for a long period1 seldom longer than six months4 ,mourning for the members of one's immediate family may be worn for a year1 then lightened4 ,mourning for a relative-in-law is lightened at the end of three or six months4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,incongruous ,,mourning ,while on this subject it would be well to call attention to the fact that one should either wear conventional black1 or no black at all4 ,for a widow to wear1 as a well-known woman did recently1 a long veil and gray sude gloves1 borders on the ridiculous4 ,nor should velvet1 cut jet1 satin and lace be donned by those wearing the insignia of grief4 ,nor are black-and-white combined deep mourning4 ,they may be worn when the weeds are lightened1 but not when one is wearing the strictly conventional garb of dolor4 ,even widows may wear all white1 but not with black ribbons1 unless the heavy black has been laid aside for what may be called the 8second stage0 of bereavement4 ,at first1 all materials either in black or white1 must be of dull finish4 ,dresses may be of nun's veiling1 ,henrietta cloth1 and other unshining wool fabrics1 or of dull1 lusterless silks4 ,simple white muslins1 lawns and mulls are proper1 but must not be trimmed with laces or embroidered4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,mourning ,,for ,,men ,for men1 black or gray suits1 black gloves and ties1 and a black band upon the hat1 are proper4 ,the tie should be of taffeta or grosgrain silk1 not of satin or figured silk4 ,i would lay especial stress on the poor taste of the recent fad of wearing a black band upon the sleeve of a colored coat4 ,the same rule applies to the would-be-smart young woman who sports a narrow black strip upon the left arm of her tan rain-coat or walking-jacket4 ,if she can not wear conventional and suitable mourning1 she would better wear none4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,judging ,,the ,,bereaved ,the matter of the period of time in which a mourner should shun society is a subject on which one may hesitate to express an opinion1 as there are too many persons whose views would not coincide with ours4 ,in this case1 as in others1 one must1 to a certain extent1 be a rule unto one's self4 ,one who is very sad shrinks naturally from going into gay society for the first few months after bereavement4 ,the contrast of the gaiety with the mourner's feelings must1 of necessity1 cause her pain4 ,to such a one we need suggest no rules4 ,to those less sensitive or less unhappy1 it would be well to say that deep black and festive occasions do not form a good combination4 ,while one wears crape and a long veil one should shun receptions1 opera boxes1 teas and all such places4 ,later1 as one lightens one's mourning1 one may attend the theater1 small functions and informal affairs4 ,even the very sad may go to the theater when they would shrink from attending an affair at which they would meet strangers and where they would be obliged to laugh and be gay4 ,after the first few months of the conventional retirement are past the sufferer must decide for herself what she may and may not do4 ,we would add1 rather as a suggestion than as a law of etiquette1 that the onlooker forbear to judge of the behavior of the recently-bereaved4 ,the heart knoweth its own bitterness1 and if that bitterness can be sweetened by some genial outside influence1 let others hesitate to condemn the owner of the heart from seeking that sweetness4 ,those whom we have lost1 if they were worth loving1 would be glad to know that our lives were not all dark4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the seemly custom followed in ,france of sending to relatives and friends of the family a letter advising them of a death is not1 unfortunately1 known in this country1 where we1 with less propriety1 advertise our griefs and our gaieties alike in the public prints4 ,,chapter ,,xxii ,,at ,,table ,,the matter with which we have especially to do just now is the manners of the eater4 ,the table may be simply or elaborately laid1 as circumstances and taste dictate4 ,it goes without saying that every housekeeper will have her board as attractive in appearance as possible1 and that she will never omit the bowl or vase of flowers from the center of it4 ,if her purse will not allow this decoration in midwinter she may substitute a potted plant or a vase containing a few sprays of ,english ivy1 or wandering-jew4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the men never sit down until the women are seated4 ,each man draws out for her the chair of the woman who sits next him4 ,even in the quiet home-life this practise should be observed1 and husband or son must always draw from the table the chair in which the wife or mother is to sit1 and remain standing until she is seated4 ,the host is seated last4 ,as soon as all are at the table the napkin is unfolded and placed across the knees4 ,it need not be opened wide1 unless it is a small breakfast or luncheon serviette4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,carving ,,the ,,roast ,if a man undertakes to carve game or a roast he should learn to do it well and quietly1 never sharpening his knife to the annoyance of his guests or rising from his seat for a better 8hold40 ,many women carve excellently1 but as there is a feeling that it is a difficult thing to do1 a clever guest who knows his hostess well1 will sometimes beg leave to take her place for the performance of this task4 ,when the hostess begins to eat1 the others follow her example4 ,all food must be eaten slowly1 and1 above all1 noiselessly4 ,many a fastidious person has had her enjoyment of her soup spoiled by the audible sipping of it by her vis--vis or her next neighbor4 ,the soup should be lifted from the plate by an outward sweep of the spoon1 and taken quietly from the side1 not the tip1 of the spoon4 ,it is bad form to break bread or crackers into the soup1 and the plate containing the liquid should never be tipped in order to obtain every drop of the contents4 99 99 99 99 99 ,fish is not to be touched with the knife4 ,there is reason for this4 ,the cutting of some delicate sea-food with a steel knife affects the flavor of it1 and renders it less delicate4 ,the flesh is so tender that it may be cut with a silver fork1 and this is the only implement permitted in its manipulation4 ,the same rule applies to salads1 which are never1 by the followers of conventionality1 touched with the knife4 ,lettuce is1 before serving1 broken into bits of a convenient size to be carried to the mouth4 ,if this is not done1 the eater should cut it with the side of the fork1 or fold each bit over into a convenient size for eating4 ,sidenote3 ,,uses ,,of ,,the ,,knife ,it should not be necessary to remind people in this day that the knife must only be used for the purpose of cutting food4 ,when it has fulfilled this duty1 being wielded by the right hand1 the food being held in place by the fork in the left1 the fork is then taken in the right hand1 and the knife laid1 with the edge turned outward1 across the back of the plate4 ,it is generally supposed that all classes know the use of the knife1 yet in a fashionable restaurant there recently sat a handsomely-attired woman carrying ,french peas to her mouth with the blade of her knife4 ,however1 it is not so long since ,chesterfield gave elaborate directions as to the proper way to eat with the knife6 8,other times1 other manners60 99 99 99 99 99 ,it is an atrocity to pile several kinds of food upon the fork1 mold them into a small mound with the knife1 and then 8dump0 the load into wide-open jaws4 ,each kind of viand should be lifted1 a small bit at a time1 upon the fork4 ,mastication should be absolutely noiseless1 and the process conducted with the lips closed4 99 99 99 99 99 ,bread1 even when hot1 may be broken off1 a small piece at a time1 buttered upon the plate1 then eaten4 ,all hot bread should be torn open or broken with the fingers1 never cut into bits4 ,to butter a slice of bread by laying it upon the table or1 more disgusting still1 upon the palm of the hand1 is a relic of barbarism4 ,at breakfast and luncheon the small bread and butter plate1 with a small knife1 is set at the upper left-hand side of the place and the bread should be kept on it4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,how ,,to ,,eat ,,fruits ,such fruits as apples or peaches are peeled with a small silver fruit knife1 cut into quarters and eaten with the fingers4 ,oranges are peeled and then pulled apart or they may--at breakfast--be cut in halves and eaten with the aid of the sharp-toothed orange spoon4 ,grapes should be eaten from behind the half-closed hand into which skin and the seeds then fall4 ,it is permissible to use one's knife to convey salt from one's individual salt-cellar1 if no tiny spoon for this purpose is supplied4 ,but the salt shaker is a much more convenient device1 though in damp weather the maid must see that the salt will 8shake40 ,a mouthful must never be so large as to make it impossible for the eater to speak if a question be addressed to him while he is disposing of it4 ,nor can too great stress be laid upon the duty of slow eating and thorough mastication of all kinds of food4 ,not only does it add to the grace of the table-manners1 but it prevents indigestion4 99 99 99 99 99 ,never touch the food on the plate with the fingers1 to push it upon the fork4 ,if anything must be used for this purpose1 let it be a bit of bread1 but1 if possible1 dispense altogether with assistance of any kind4 ,the fork should be equal to getting up all that is absolutely essential1 and comfort does not depend upon securing every particle of meat or vegetables with which the plate is supplied4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,spoon ,,and ,,the ,,fork ,every year the spoon has fewer uses1 and the fork has more4 ,now1 when it is possible1 desserts are taken with the fork where a spoon used to be employed4 ,pie1 cake1 ice-cream and firm puddings1 with all kinds of fruit1 are eaten with the fork4 ,some persons hold a fork awkwardly in an up and down fashion instead of in the proper graceful horizontal one4 ,of course the spoon is still essential for semi-solids1 such as custards1 creams and jellies4 ,there are a few things besides breads of all varieties which one is allowed to eat with the fingers4 ,such are ,saratoga chips1 olives and small bird-bones1--these last to be taken daintily in the fingertips4 ,it is no longer considered good form to eat asparagus with the fingers1 although some very well-bred persons still do it4 ,it is certainly an ugly sight to witness one's opposite neighbor eating asparagus in this manner4 ,it is possibly not so unattractive as to see him eat corn from the cob4 ,but no better way of disposing of this last vegetable has as yet been invented4 ,if corn is served on the cob1 the cob should be broken into two or three pieces before it is lifted to the mouth4 ,if one is so unlucky as to drop a fork or spoon1 allow the maid to pick it up and to bring a fresh one1 without making any comment whatever4 ,a glass of wine overturned1 however1 demands apology and the hope that the hostess' cloth will not be irremediably stained4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,after-,,dinner ,,coffee ,at breakfast1 one may drink coffee with sugar and cream1 but when black1 or after-dinner coffee is served in a small cup1 which is known as a demi-tasse1 cream should be omitted4 ,to ask for this when it is not on the table is the height of rudeness4 ,one should learn to drink one's after-dinner coffee without cream4 ,sugar is1 of course1 permissible4 ,there is sense in this dictate of ,fashion1 as in many of the other rules laid down by this seemingly arbitrary dame4 ,the coffee taken at the end of a hearty meal is intended to act as a 8settler0 to the repast and to aid the work of digestion4 ,this it does much more easily when clear than when 8qualified0 with milk or cream4 ,before drinking from a glass of water one should brush one's lips with the corner of the napkin4 99 99 99 99 99 ,after the salad course at a dinner1 and before the dessert is brought in1 the waitress removes the crumbs from the table1 using a tray or plate and folded napkin for this purpose4 ,when she does this it is bad form for the guest to lay in the tray any bits of bread that may be left at his place or to assist the waitress by moving his glass1 salt-cellar1 or any other article that may be left on the table4 ,a good waitress removes salt-cellars1 pepper-cruets and such articles1 before crumbing the table1 leaving only the glasses at each place4 ,it is her business to do all this so quietly and deftly that the guests are scarcely conscious of it4 ,to further this end1 let the whole affair be attended to by the waitress1 and do not seem to notice any lapses on her part4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,finger-,,bowl ,at the end of the meal the finger-bowls are used4 ,the ends of the fingers are dipped in the water1 and the lips touched with these2 then mouth and hands are wiped upon the napkin which is left1 unfolded1 at the side of the plate1 if one is taking only one meal in the house4 ,if a longer stay is expected1 one may watch one's hosts to see what they do with their napkins1 and follow their example4 ,dinner over1 the hostess makes the movement to rise1 and she1 with the other ladies1 proceeds to the parlor4 ,there they are joined later by the gentlemen4 ,at an informal or family dinner1 the men and women may leave the table together1 the men standing aside to let the women pass out first1 and in the drawing-room cigars may be lighted by the men after they have asked permission of the women to smoke4 ,all these rules with regard to the company dinner apply to the family dinner as well4 ,one can not be too careful in observing the laws of table etiquette in the family circle if one would be at ease in company4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,avoid ,,apologies ,one warning ,i would give to the hostess or homemaker3 ,do not apologize unless necessary6 ,if a dish is a signal failure1 say with an apologetic smile that you regret that such a thing was spoiled in the baking1 or that you fear the meat is very rare1 and1 unless the matter can be remedied1 let it go at that4 ,you but embarrass your guests and put them to the disagreeable necessity of reassuring you1 if you dwell upon the matter4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the host should never insist that one be served to any dish after it has been positively declined4 ,to do this is a mistake no matter how kindly the intention4 ,there is an old saying that one man's meat is another man's poison4 ,if your host insists1 however1 on helping you after your refusal1 you must for decorum's sake accept the food but you need do no more than taste it4 ,at a formal dinner one is not served a second time to any dish1 but at an informal dinner1 what are called 8second helps10 are quite permissible and convey a compliment to the hostess4 ,when a plate is sent back to the carver for a fresh supply of meat1 the knife and fork should be laid side by side upon it1 not held in the hand1 as some persons insist4 ,and when one has finished eating1 the knife and fork are laid in the same manner upon the plate1 the tines of the fork up4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,napkin ,the napkin must never be tucked into the neck of gown or shirt1 nor must it be fastened to the belt or the waistcoat button4 ,after one leaves the nursery one should be able to eat without a bib4 ,one of the characteristics of a well-appointed house is an abundance of fresh linen1 including clean napkins1 if possible1 at every meal1 certainly every day at dinner4 ,a large napkin for dinner use is handsome1 but it may be too large for convenience4 ,no one wishes to be smothered by a 8young table-cloth10 as some one has called these immense serviettes4 ,breakfast napkins are distinctly smaller than dinner napkins4 ,sidenote3 ,,minor ,,table ,,laws ,at breakfast a blue and white service is often liked and is certainly pretty4 ,at dinner the china may be as costly as one can afford4 ,if the purse is limited1 the plain white or gold-band is a good choice1 making a quietly elegant appearance and being easily replaced4 ,in drinking coffee use the spoon to stir it slightly and to sip from1 but never leave the spoon in the cup4 ,when a fowl is carved if your host asks which piece you prefer it is entirely correct to express a preference1 and indeed you will probably embarrass him if you decline to do so4 ,a wine-glass should be lifted to the lips by the stem1 not by the bowl4 ,a waitress should be cautioned against the common practise of handing dishes and particularly water glasses with the thumb stuck inside the rim4 ,never tip the soup plate to get the last mouthful4 ,the nervous habit some people have of playing with the silver or crumbling bread on the cloth looks very bad4 ,artichokes are broken apart with the fingers1 the heart being conveyed to the mouth on the fork4 ,one should sit easily erect at table at a convenient distance from the board4 ,do not sit on your spine4 ,if you are in doubt as to how to proceed with any course1 take a cue from your hostess4 ,eggs1 when boiled1 should be served in individual egg cups1 opened by lightly cracking the top of the shell with the knife1 and eaten from the shell by the aid of tiny egg spoons4 ,it should go without saying that when a dish is passed1 one should always take the portion one touches2 do not presume to make a choice of rolls or of fruit4 ,never put salt on the cloth4 ,to attempt to assist the waitress by gathering together the articles before you1 is a mistake4 ,leave that to her1 and appear unconscious of her presence while she is so engaged4 ,to hand a dish across the table is distinctly bad form4 ,this habit has been designated as 8the boarding house reach40 ,,chapter ,,xxiii ,,in ,,the ,,home 8,,as a man thinketh in his heart1 so is he10 declares the ,book of books4 ,and as a man is in his home1 so will he be abroad1 when the 8company manner0 rubs off4 ,one frequently becomes involved in some quite unexpected circumstance that scratches off the beautiful surface-coloring1 if it be only as deep as the hue on the stained wood4 ,sidenote3 ,,adjustable ,,courtesy ,the manner that one puts on when one goes into a friend's house1 or dons when one is 8in company10 is what may be called 8adjustable courtesy40 ,if it is not made of the best material it seldom fits well4 ,not long ago a friend drove with us by the house of a man whose society manners1 when first seen1 call forth admiration4 ,upon this particular spring afternoon1 he sat upon the veranda of his home4 ,as we approached1 and he met our glance1 he sprang to his feet1 bowed low and remained standing until we had passed4 8,what a pretty attention to pay to two women60 we exclaimed4 ,our friend gave a significant shrug1 and called our notice to the fact that the man's wife had1 before we came by1 driven up to the end of the veranda1 and that she was1 unaided1 climbing from a high trap in which she and her two little girls had been driving1 while her husband lolled at ease in a steamer chair4 ,it took the presence of a woman who did not belong to him to bring him to his feet4 ,looking back1 after we had passed1 we noted that he had again resumed his lounging attitude1 and that his wife was lifting the second child from the carriage4 ,such is adjustable courtesy6 ,it is not an every-day garment1 and is1 consequently1 worn only to impress strangers4 ,no one can afford to do the injustice to his better self of allowing himself to become careless toward those with whom he lives1 or to neglect the small sweet courtesies that should be found in the home1 if anywhere4 ,it is the home etiquette that makes the public etiquette what it should be4 ,this reminder can not be repeated too often4 99 99 99 99 99 ,in many houses men forget to show the respect due to wife1 mother and sisters4 ,parents should train their sons to stand when a woman enters the room1 and to remain standing until she sits down4 ,the considerate husband rises and offers his wife the easy chair in which he is seated4 ,she1 knowing that he is weary after a hard day at the office1 will not take the chair1 but she will appreciate the little attention1 and love him the better for it4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,barbarous ,,toothpick ,in the talk on table etiquette1 we have touched on many points1 but not on certain things that seem too petty to be mentioned1 as it is not supposed that persons of polite breeding need to be reminded of them4 ,it is only when one looks in on the home-life of some so-called 8nice0 people that one feels that perhaps after all to call attention to these points would not be superfluous4 ,one of these is the use of the toothpick4 ,to wield this in company is barbarous2 to produce it at table is disgusting4 ,the idea of having a glass full of toothpicks upon the family board is as disagreeably suggestive1 and more disgusting1 than would be the presence of a bowl of water1 flanked on one side by a cake of soap1 on the other by a wash-cloth4 ,cleansing of all parts of the body should take place in the privacy of one's own apartment or in the bath-room4 99 99 99 99 99 ,tipping back the chair at table or in company is bad form4 ,one small child was broken of this habit when she lost her balance while swaying backward from the table on the two hind-legs of her chair1 and gave her head a furious bump on the floor4 ,sobbing1 she was lifted to her feet1 and met the stern gaze of her father4 8,i am very glad10 he said1 8to see that you are badly enough hurt to be reminded never to tip your chair again4 ,it is rude6 ,if some grown persons ,i know had received a similar lesson in childhood1 they might not offend the taste of others as they now do40 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,taking ,,salt ,,and ,,butter ,taking butter from one's butter-plate with the tip of a fork that has been already in one's mouth is another disagreeable trick4 ,the like may be said of the same way of helping one's self to salt4 ,if a small butter-knife and salt-spoon are not provided1 the tip of the knife may be used in their stead4 99 99 99 99 99 ,bolting food and pushing back one's chair without the preliminary and apologetic 8,excuse me60 is the custom of some otherwise estimable householders4 ,it would be better to eat less1 if one's time be limited1 and eat slowly1 as food thus taken in a rush is of small use in the internal economy4 ,a few mouthfuls1 well masticated1 will possibly do more good1 and certainly produce less discomfort1 than three times as much swallowed in indigestible chunks4 ,and after the short repast has been partaken of1 let the master of the house set the example of common decency by uttering the conventional 8,excuse me60 ,sidenote3 ,,caring ,,for ,,the ,,nails ,one hopes that it would be a difficult matter to find anybody so far oblivious of ordinary good manners as to clean his nails before others1 but1 let us blush to say it6 one does meet many men who clean and pare their nails in the presence of family and intimate friends4 ,perhaps it is due to the fact that a woman does not carry a pocket-knife that she is seldom seen doing this4 ,her manicure instruments are kept upon her dressing-table1 and it is in her own room that she performs this very necessary part of her toilet4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the ugly habit that many children acquire of biting the nails can be overcome by requiring them to wear gloves until they master it4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,good ,,taste ,,in ,,speech ,young people should be taught that the question of age1 in general conversation1 is tabooed1 that too much manner is as bad as too little1 and that a good manner is even more to be desired than good manners4 ,they should be instructed to say 8,thank you10 not 8,thanks10 to avoid 8photo10 8auto10 etc41 saying instead 8photograph10 8automobile10 or better1 8motor-car10 or simply 8car40 8,crowd10 as 8our crowd10 is very bad for 8circle10 8set0 or 8group of friends40 ,a girl should never say 8hello10 and no one should use it at the telephone4 8,good morning10 8yes10 8well0 or the mention of one's name are courteous methods of beginning a telephone conversation4 8,waistcoat0 is to be preferred to 8vest40 ,modern usage trains children to say 8,yes1 mother10 8,yes1 ,aunt ,clara10 8,no1 ,miss ,smith10 instead of 8,yes1 ma'am10 8,no1 ma'am10 as of old4 ,only in the remoter districts of the ,south does the earlier fashion survive among grown people where it must be admitted to have a quaint charm4 ,when a child sneezes1 if he is well taught he will say quietly1 8,excuse me40 99 99 99 99 99 ,a rudeness that a man will perpetrate in his own home1 from which he would shrink in the home of another person1 is that of wearing his hat in the presence of women4 ,every mother should train the small boy of the house to remove his hat as soon as he enters the front 7or back7 door4 ,to do this will then become second nature1 and it would not be probable that he could ever be guilty of the rudeness of standing in hall or parlor and talking to mother1 sister or other feminine relative with his hat on his head4 ,one mother at least positively refuses to hear what her little son has to say if he addresses her with his head covered4 ,one may regret that with older men other women have not the like courage of their convictions4 ,a man's hat is so easily removed we wonder just why he should leave it on in the house1 even if he is going out again in a moment4 ,the man whose courtesy is not of the adjustable type will not do this1 and these remarks are absolutely superfluous as far as he is concerned4 ,nor will it be necessary to remind him to pick up the handkerchief1 thimble1 scissors or book that the woman in his presence lets fall1--even if she be his wife4 ,to assist the feminine portion of humanity comes natural to the thoroughbred4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,courtesy ,,in ,,girls ,and just here ,i would say a word to the young person of the so-called weaker sex4 ,it is to remind her that she1 as well as her brother1 owes the duty of respect to her elders4 ,she is too prone to think that the boys of the family should rise for the older people1 should remain standing until parents are seated1 and should always be ready to run errands1 or to deny themselves for their seniors4 ,the duty to do all these things is incumbent on the girl or woman in the presence of those who are her elders or superiors4 ,the girl or young matron who reclines in an easy chair1 while her grandparent1 mother1 father1 or woman-guest stands1 is as guilty of rudeness as her brother would be were he to do the same4 ,it is not on the men alone that the etiquette of the home depends4 ,indeed1 it is the place of the mother to see that little lapses in good breeding are not overlooked4 ,and she is the one who should1 by her unselfishness1 her gentle courtesy1 and unfailing politeness in even the smallest items1 show forth the spirit of true kindness1 on which all good manners are founded4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,cultivated ,,voice ,we are all united in thinking that a well-trained voice ministers to the happiness of those about in a rare degree4 ,yet it is too infrequently remembered that the place to cultivate clear enunciation1 low tones and amiable inflections is at home4 ,teachers in elocution and voice culture may do a large part in bringing out latent powers1 but the foundation for the culture of the speaking voice should be laid at home4 ,high shrill voices1 choppy pronunciation1 a nervous speaking manner will render unattractive matter of a high mental quality4 ,mothers should begin early and work late on this important matter of cultivating the voices of their children4 ,voice quality and enunciation1 it should be realized1 are more important than pronunciation4 ,it is not a vital question whether a man pronounce the word 8exquisite0 with the accent on the first or the second syllable1 but 8childern0 is a vulgarism1 though one hears it often4 ,truly of one who uses it1 it may be said1 8his speech bewrayeth him40 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,care ,,of ,,books ,respect for books is one of the lessons to be taught in a properly regulated house4 ,and by this phrase1 ,i do not mean respect for the contents4 ,that goes without saying4 ,i mean respect for the proper care of those best ministers to minds and souls4 ,children should be taught to handle books carefully1 to cut the leaves properly1 to open books without breaking the leaves apart at the back4 ,they should be instructed not to soil or to mark them and to put them back in place when not in use4 ,the person who lends books may keep a list of them1 and it is not discourtesy if the volumes lent are not returned within a reasonable length of time to ask for them4 ,many people who are quick to borrow are careless about returning4 ,the standard of ethics in regard to returning books is with many people as low as the general standard in regard to the return of umbrellas4 ,a book-plate is a great aid to the possessor of a library in keeping it together4 ,moreover1 a pretty book-plate seems to give a touch of individuality to one's volumes4 ,the next best thing to individual bindings and tooled leather is this slighter mark of identity in one's library4 99 99 99 99 99 ,one thing that makes for peace and etiquette in the home is the recognition of the rights of others4 ,for this reason one member of the family should never inquire into another's correspondence1 into his engagements1 social or otherwise1 or ask questions even of his nearest and dearest4 ,the fact that a man is one of a family1 every member of which is dear to him1 does not mean that he has no individuality1 or that he must share the secrets of his friendships or business matters with any one4 ,he should always feel in the home that any confidences he may care to give are most welcome1 but that such confidences are never demanded or expected4 ,sidenote3 ,,respect ,,for ,,privacy ,in recognizing these rights of others1 one must remember that each person's own room is sacred to himself4 ,it is inexcusably rude for one member of a family to enter the room of any other member without first knocking at the door and receiving permission to 8come in40 ,each human being should feel that he has one locality that belongs to him1 where he can be alone unless he decrees otherwise4 ,to further this end the wife should knock at her husband's door before she enters his room1 and the husband should show her the same consideration1 while brothers and sisters should always give the warning tap1 which is virtually a request for permission to enter1 before opening the door that the occupant of the room has closed4 99 99 99 99 99 ,americans are much criticized for their fondness for rocking chairs4 ,certainly there are many of us who should learn to use them less violently4 ,the woman who rocks steadily back and forth while she is talking to her friends is lacking in the repose that is an essential element of charm4 ,equally bad habits are the snapping and unsnapping of a purse and twisting a handkerchief or a theater program into a roll4 ,to hum below the breath when some one else is talking is extremely rude1 and not less so when any two people are together4 ,sidenote3 ,,courtesying ,,for ,,little ,,girls ,for little girls1 the courtesy of our grandmothers has been revived4 ,it is certainly a charming mark of respect for them to show to older people4 ,a courtesy that should never be omitted is the asking of permission to open and read letters received while one is in conversation with others4 ,children should be rigidly instructed not to ask for delicacies of food when they are visiting1 otherwise they may become a nuisance4 ,the habit children often acquire at school1 of sticking their lead pencils into their mouths to moisten them1 is unhygienic and ugly1 and should be broken up4 ,,chapter ,,xxiv ,,in ,,public ,,the subject of this chapter is so large that we almost despair of doing more than touch on a few of the many points it should cover4 ,perhaps it would be well to give first a few rules for that most public of places1--the street4 ,sidenote3 ,a ,,man ,,and ,,his ,,hat ,the question as to the etiquette of raising the hat is one that demands attention1--and yet the rules are simple4 ,a man always uncovers his head completely when he returns a woman's bow4 ,he does the same when he meets a man he knows walking with a woman1 whether she be known to him or not4 ,when a man is walking or driving with a woman and she bows to a man or woman she meets1 her escort lifts his hat4 ,on parting with a woman he bares his head4 ,if he stand and talk with her1 he should hold his hat in his hand unless she asks him to cover his head1 or unless the day be cold1--in which case he says1 8,will you pardon me if ,i put on my hat80 ,then1 when he leaves her1 he again uncovers4 ,as a safe rule in whist is1 8,when in doubt1 lead trumps10 so a safe rule for a man in public would be1 8,when in doubt1 take off your hat40 ,some men of fine feeling take off their hats when a funeral procession passes them in the street1 indeed in ,europe this is an established custom4 ,in the ,south1 in this country1 old-fashioned gentlemen sometimes raise their hats to each other4 ,abroad1 men who pass women on a stairway invariably lift their hats4 ,in hotel elevators1 gentlemen always take off their hats when ladies are present1--some men do it in all elevators under these circumstances4 99 99 99 99 99 ,when a man meets a woman on the street1 and wishes to talk with her for a moment1 he should1 if time allow1 turn and walk a little way with her1 rather than stop and thus hinder her4 ,if he have a business engagement that makes this impossible1 he should apologize for not doing so1 in a few words1 as--8,pardon me for not walking with you instead of stopping you1 but my train leaves in fifteen minutes10 or1 8,i have an appointment in ten minutes40 ,on a cold day1 when a man stands talking with a woman with his head uncovered1 she should say1 8,pray put on your hat6 ,i am afraid you will catch cold40 ,he should accede to her request1 saying 8,thank you60 as he does so4 ,it is a woman's place to bow first1 when she meets a man4 ,unless they are old friends1 the man does not lift his hat until he has received this sign of recognition from a woman4 ,men who were called on to shake hands with women formerly murmured an apology for the glove1 but this is no longer customary4 ,a man waits for a woman to make the first move to shake hands unless he knows her very well4 ,when men meet each other on the street they may recognize each other as they please1--by a nod1 a wave of the hand1 or by touching the hat4 ,for a man to touch his hat to a woman is an insult1 unless he be a servant--as a coachman receiving an order from his mistress--when he acknowledges the order by touching the brim of his hat with his hand4 ,did more men appreciate that they were giving the 8coachman's salute0 to a woman1 mortification1 if not courtesy1 might prevent a repetition of the offense4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,on ,,the ,,street-,,car ,when a man is a woman's escort and they board a street-car1 she should1 without comment1 allow him to pay her fare4 ,when they get on the same car by chance1 she should make the move to pay her fare1 but if the man hands the money to the conductor before she does so1 she should simply bow and say 8,thank you60 ,to dispute about who shall pay car-fare is bad form4 ,meaningless introductions in street-cars or other public places are to be avoided4 ,it is not desirable to bring two people together in such a place unless some real purpose is served4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,lounging ,,in ,,public ,women should be careful as to the way in which they sit4 ,the woman who spreads her knees looks as awkward as the man who keeps his tightly together4 ,recently it became a fad in certain places for women to lounge in the street-car and to cross one knee upon the other4 ,needless to say1 really well-bred women did not follow the fad4 ,even men who have been strictly trained will not cross the knees when calling on ladies4 99 99 99 99 99 ,when all seats are taken in a car and a woman enters1 a gentleman will rise and give her his seat1 lifting his hat as he does so1 which courtesy she should always acknowledge by saying 8,thank you60 cordially and audibly4 ,women are much criticized for taking seats in cars without an acknowledgment of the courtesy1 and1 undoubtedly1 they often do4 ,on the other hand1 men as frequently1 by turning their backs1 make acknowledgment impossible4 ,if the car be full and a woman enters carrying a baby in her arms1 any girl or young matron present should resign her seat to the burdened passenger1 unless some masculine passenger has manliness enough to do so4 ,to the credit of human nature1 be it said that we have never seen a mother with a child in her arms stand for two minutes1 no matter how crowded the car might be4 ,of course a young woman should resign her seat to an elderly woman1 as she will do the same for a very old or infirm man4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,when ,,walking ,,together ,the custom of a man and a woman walking arm in arm at night is rapidly falling into disuse4 ,for couples to walk in this way in the daylight has not been customary for years1 unless the woman be so aged or invalided as to need the support of her escort's arm4 ,now1 even after dark1 there is hardly any need of a man's arm for a woman's guidance in the brilliantly lighted streets4 ,if the couple be walking through a poorly illuminated street1 or on a country road1 or climbing a steep hill1 the man offers the woman his arm4 ,he should also do this at night when he holds an umbrella over her head4 ,even in the daylight1 when they cross a crowded thoroughfare together1 he should lightly support her elbow with his hand to pilot her over4 ,he should never1 unless they be members of the same family1 take her arm in order to guide her4 ,in public a man must never attract a woman's attention by clutching her arm1 or--odious action6--by patting her on the shoulder or back1 or nudging her4 ,if there is such a noise about them that the mere speaking her name in a low voice will not reach her ears1 he may respectfully touch her on the arm saying at the same time1 8,excuse me1 please60 ,personal liberties are always in poor taste1 but never more vulgar than in a place where they are noted by all observers4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,after ,,the ,,theater ,if a man escort a woman home1 she may utter a brief 8,thank you60 to him on parting with him4 ,profuse expressions of gratitude on such an occasion are bad form4 ,on parting from him1 after he has taken her to the theater1 opera or any other entertainment1 she may1 when she bids him good night1 say cordially1 8,i am indebted to you for a very pleasant evening10 and1 if she wish1 she may add1 8,we shall be glad to have you call at any time40 ,a man must never linger at a woman's door to utter his good-bys1 or to speak a few final sentences4 ,door-step chats may do for nurse-maids and their attendants4 ,they are out of place in higher circles4 ,a man rings the bell for the woman he is accompanying1 sees that she is safely admitted1 and1 if it be too late for him to enter the house for a few minutes1 removes his hat1 says good night and takes his leave4 ,sidenote3 ,,kissing ,,in ,,public ,so much fun has been made of the custom that some women have of kissing each other in public places on meeting and parting1 it is surprising that even gushing girls still adhere to the ridiculous fashion4 ,when people embrace1 let it be in the sanctity of the home1 or where there are no amused observers4 ,if a kiss has no meaning1 then let ,fashion do away with it2 if it means tender affection1 it is too sacred a token to be exchanged where dozens of people may look on and comment on it4 ,it is hardly too sweeping an assertion to make when one says that among mere acquaintances1 kisses are best omitted altogether4 ,do let us have some method of salutation for those we really love that is not given as frequently and freely to every chance acquaintance or casual friend6 ,one woman declares that beyond her relatives there is no grown person she willingly kisses1 except two women whom she has known for years1 and she respects them too much to embrace them in the presence of an unsympathetic world4 ,a warm hand-clasp will suffice until the people who love each other can be alone4 ,of course there are exceptions to this rule1 as to many others4 ,when a man puts his family upon the train or boat which is to carry them from him1 he will uncover his head1 and kiss each one of the beloved group4 ,other such exceptions will suggest themselves4 ,common sense and good taste should keep one from making a mistake in these matters4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,good ,,form ,,in ,,names ,it is in wretched form for a man to speak of a woman by her first name when talking to casual acquaintances4 ,it is as bad form1 or nearly as bad1 for a woman to speak of a man by his last name1 as 8,brown0 or 8,smith40 ,it takes very little longer to say 8,miss ,mary0 or 8,mr4 ,brown10 and the impression produced is worth the extra exertion4 ,nor1 unless they be members of the same family1 does a man address a girl by her first name in a crowd of outsiders4 ,in her home she may be 8,mary0 to him4 ,in public1 let him address her as 8,miss ,smith40 99 99 99 99 99 ,one of the most annoying habits indulged in in public is that of being late at the theater4 ,it is trying to have to lose whole lines of a play while one rises1 gathering up bonnets and wraps to do so1 to allow the belated person to pass who sits beyond one4 ,it is a pity that theater-goers do not take more pains to show one another the kindness of being in their places before the curtain rises4 ,in entering a theater1 the man stands aside to allow the woman to go into the door ahead of him1 then steps forward to show his tickets to the usher1 at the same time taking two programs from the table1 or from the boy holding them4 ,the coupons are handed back to the man1 and kept by him1 in case any mistake should arise in regard to the seats4 ,then the woman follows the usher down the aisle1 followed by her escort4 ,in some western cities the man goes first down the aisle1 standing aside to allow the woman to take the inner seat4 ,it is well for both men and women to remove their coats and wraps1 either in the vestibule of the theater or before going into their seats4 ,after sitting down1 the woman takes off her hat and holds it in her lap throughout the performance4 ,sidenote3 ,,disposing ,,of ,,one',s ,,wraps ,a better custom in theaters large and modern enough to have ample dressing-rooms is for the woman to remove all her wraps there4 ,the house looks much prettier than when each woman is piled with her belongings1 the woman is more comfortable1 and she has had besides the opportunity of a glance in the mirror at her hair4 ,if she is at all sensitive to drafts she may prefer to take a light scarf with her as when the curtain rises there is often a very cold air1 especially on those sitting close to the stage4 ,in most cities in this country women do not wear full dress unless they are to sit in a box4 ,at all evening entertainments a woman's head is uncovered4 ,a woman who retains her hat even when sitting in a box inevitably suggests that she wishes to be conspicuous4 ,if a woman is invited to be one of a box-party she need not bother to go to the dressing-room1 as in most cases each box has hooks on which cloaks may be hung and a mirror convenient for the single glance that is desired4 ,the same rules hold good with regard to a musicale or a concert4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,talking ,,at ,a ,,concert ,i wish there were any chance that anything anybody might say could impress on women that their habit of talking or1 worse still1 whispering1 during a musical performance is abominably rude6 ,let those who have suffered by this almost universal practise testify to the misery it causes4 ,to have one's favorite passage from a beloved composer marred by 8,now this is where he dies1 you know10 or 8,just hear the thunder in that orchestra1 and now just listen to the chirping of the dear little birds60 or1--8,i don't think ,i can lunch with you to-morrow1 dear1 but perhaps the next day10 8,do you think those long coats are becoming to short women80--who that has undergone the agony of being in the vicinity of such a talker can fail to utter a fervent 8,amen0 to the frenzied petition that they be suppressed4 ,the person who has seen the play before and who obligingly keeps his neighbors informed of what is coming next is an equal offender4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,when ,,america ,,is ,,played ,at public meetings when the national hymn is played1 it is proper for every one to stand and to remain standing until it is ended4 ,,chapter ,,xxv ,,hotel ,,and ,,boarding-,,house ,,life ,,there is no better place than a hotel in which to study the manners1 or lack of manners1 of the world at large4 ,it is here that selfishness is rampant1 and unselfishness hides its diminished head4 ,before we discuss the ethics of hotel life it will be well to give a few general directions as to what one does from the time one enters the door of the building which will1 for a long or short time1 be his place of abode4 ,he proceeds at once to the office1 makes known his desires with regard to a room or rooms1 and writes his name in the register handed to him by the clerk4 ,he is then assigned to his room1 and a page directs him thither1 carrying hand luggage4 ,to this page he hands his trunk-check1 and the trunk is soon brought to his room4 ,upon the inside of the door in every hotel room is tacked a set of rules of the house1 and these are in themselves sufficient to instruct our uninitiated traveler in most of what is expected of him4 ,he here learns that the hotel is not responsible for valuables left on the bureau or table of the room1 that the guest is requested to keep his trunk locked1 and to lock his door upon going out1 and to leave his key at the office2 that valuable papers and jewelry can be left in the safe of the hotel2 at what hours meals are served and so on4 ,all these directions the considerate person will observe4 ,none of them is unreasonable4 ,there are many things for which no printed rules are given which are none the less essential to the correctness of demeanor on the part of a guest4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,at ,,the ,,hotel ,,table ,loud talking is one of the things to be avoided4 ,one must remember that in a hotel more than in any other place is the warning of the ,frenchman likely to be proved true1--8,the walls themselves1 my lord1 have ears60 ,each room has another room next to it1 and the partitions are thin4 ,the transoms all open upon a general hall in which can be heard any loud remark spoken in any one of the rooms4 ,if one does not discuss affairs one wishes kept secret1 one must bear in mind the fact that other people may be annoyed while resting1 reading or talking1 by fragmentary bits of conversation wafted to them4 ,at the hotel table one must also bear this in mind4 ,loud talking in a public place stamps the speaker as a vulgarian1 or a person who has seldom been outside of his own home1 and has never learned to modulate his voice4 99 99 99 99 99 ,on entering a hotel dining-room1 the traveler pauses until the head waiter1 or one of his assistants1 indicates a table at which he may sit4 ,if this table be too near the radiator or window1 or otherwise undesirable1 the guest may courteously ask if he can not be placed in another locality4 ,when a man and a woman are together the man enters the room first1 and leads the way to the table1 on the first occasion of their taking a meal at the hotel4 ,after that1 if they occupy the same table each day1 the woman enters the room first and proceeds to her seat1 followed by the man4 ,he1 or the waiter1 draws back her chair for her and seats her4 ,the man1 of course1 remains standing until she is seated4 ,sidenote3 ,,giving ,,one',s ,,order ,the menu card is handed to the man1 with a pad or slip of paper and pencil4 ,upon this1 after discussion with the woman1 he writes his order4 ,as a rule he orders the entire meal1 except the dessert1 at once4 ,the sweets can be decided on later4 99 99 99 99 99 ,i wish ,i could impress on the minds of persons in a hotel that it is wretched form to criticize audibly the viands set before them4 ,the person sitting near you is not edified to hear you remark that the soup is wretched1 the beef too rare1 the coffee lukewarm4 ,if you have any fault to find1 do so to the waiter and in such a tone that the other guests can not hear it4 ,sidenote3 ,,avoid ,,faultfinding ,above all1 do not scold the waiter for that for which he is not to blame4 ,he does not purchase the meat1 nor does he fry the oysters4 ,show him that you appreciate this fact1 and ask him politely if he can not get you a better cut1 or oysters that are not burned4 ,some persons seem to think that it elevates them in the opinion of observers if they complain of what is set before them4 ,they fancy1 apparently1 that others will be impressed with the idea that they are accustomed to so much better fare at home than that they now have that it is a trial for them to descend to the plane on which others are eating4 ,the fact of the case is that the person who is accustomed to dainty fare1 and to even-threaded living1 is too well-bred to call the attention of strangers to the fact4 99 99 99 99 99 ,while we are on this subject it would be well to remind the thoughtless person that when he dines with a friend at that friend's hotel1 on his invitation1 he is a guest4 ,it is therefore rude for him to comment unfavorably on the dishes on the table4 ,when1 under such circumstances1 a guest says to his host pro tem41 8,my dear fellow1 they do not give you good veal here60 or1 8,are you not tired of the mean butter you eat at this hotel80 he is criticizing in an offensive manner the best that his host can offer him1 since he has no house of his own in which to entertain4 ,the guest should act as if it were his friend's private table1 and forbear to criticize fare or service4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,hotel ,,tipping ,one of the often unconsidered items of expense in hotel life is the 8tips0 that one must give4 ,in no other place is one's hand so often in one's pocket4 ,a porter carries a bag1 and he must be tipped2 another carries up a trunk1 he must be tipped2 one rings for iced water1 and the boy bringing it expects his ten cents2 one wants hot water every morning1 and in notifying the chambermaid of this fact1 must slip a bit of silver into her palm4 ,the waiter at one's table must be frequently remembered1 and the head waiter will give one better attention if he finds something in his hand after he shows the new arrival to a table1 and1 of course1 on leaving1 one will also give a fee4 ,so it goes6 ,when1 however1 one is staying by the week at a hotel1 8tips0 need be given only once a week1--unless some unusual favor is asked4 ,we may rebel against the custom1 and with reason4 ,but as not one of us can alter the state of affairs1 it is well to accept it with a good grace1 or reconcile one's self to indifferent service4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,children ,,in ,a ,,hotel ,the matter of children in a hotel is one on which so much has been said and written that there is little left to say4 ,at the first glance one is tempted to resent the fact that many hotel proprietors object to having children accompany their parents to the public table1 and that some even demur at their presence in the house4 ,child-lovers have said bitterly that the celestial 8many mansions0 seem to be the only abodes in which the little ones are welcome1--and all these opinions have a great deal of truth on their side4 ,but it is not until one has undergone the annoyance of ill-governed children in a house where there are no restrictions enforced on them that one sees the other side of the shield4 ,one large boarding-house at a fashionable summer resort is popular to mothers of large families because the proprietor does not object to children4 ,a guest there last season decided that if that were the case said proprietor had no nerves4 ,she soon learned that childless guests declined to stay at the place4 ,children raced up and down the long corridors1 screaming as they went2 they played noisily outside of bedroom doors2 they ate like little pigs at the hotel tables4 ,in short1 they made the house a purgatory for all except other children and their mothers4 ,sidenote3 ,,two ,,types ,,of ,,mothers ,there are two types of mothers in this land of ours that are greatly at fault4 ,one is the mother who hands the management of the children over to a nurse or several nurses1 and she is1 of course1 the rich woman whose children see her seldom1 and that not often enough to bother her4 ,the other type is the woman who has nerves toward all things except her own children's noise4 ,she is such a doting parent that she is1 to all appearances1 blind and deaf to the fact that her own offspring drive to the verge of insanity other 8grown-ups0 with whom they come in contact4 ,verily the ,american youngster is having everything his own way in private and public nowadays6 ,dwellers in hotels are to be pardoned if they beg that he be kept in private until his parents learn to govern him1 and by thus doing1 show mercy to other people4 ,while the rules that govern propriety should be adhered to everywhere1 there is no other place where they should be more strictly observed than at the summer hotel1 or the boarding-house of a fashionable watering-place4 ,it may not be an exaggeration to state that there are few decent places where they are more openly disregarded4 ,with the trammels of city life one seems to lay down an appreciation of the fitness of things generally4 ,the free intercourse1 the rapidly-made acquaintances1 the mingling of many sorts of peoples in the huge caravansary--tend to make us cast aside conventionalities4 ,husbands1 running down from the city for a ,sunday with their wives1 find them absorbed and happy in the gay life about them1 and quite sufficient unto themselves when the husbands return to counting-room and office on ,monday morning4 ,there is always a class of men who1 having nothing else to do1 are habitus of the summer hotel1 where they flirt with the wives of other men and make themselves generally useful and talked about4 ,sidenote3 ,,avoiding ,,gossip ,there may be no harm in all this sort of thing1 but it is well for the discreet maiden and matron to avoid giving any cause for the enemy to blaspheme1--in other words1 for the gossip to make herself busy and dangerous4 ,to this end1 late hours in shaded corners of verandas1 moonlight sails and walks1 and beach-promenades well on toward midnight1 are to be shunned4 ,while these may be innocent per se1 they give rise to scandal4 ,the young girl may always have a chaperon to whom to refer as to the proprieties1 but it is not the young girl who is most talked about4 ,the married woman whose husband lets her have her own way is a law unto herself1 and she must be careful not to make that law too lax4 ,it takes very little to set silly tongues wagging2 it takes months and years to check the commotion they have made4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,promiscuous ,,friendships ,promiscuous intimacies at summer resorts are a great mistake4 ,unless a woman knows all about a fellow guest1 she should not get into the habit of running into her room1 or of talking with her as with a lifelong friend4 ,she may be pleasant toward all1 and intimate with none4 ,it is a well-known fact that there is no other hotbed of gossip equal to a hotel or a boarding-house4 ,women1 released from the cares and anxieties of housekeeping and home-making1 turn their time and thoughts to fancy work and scandal4 ,each arrival runs the gantlet of criticism and comment1 and afterward becomes the subject of 8confidential0 conversations upon veranda and in parlors4 ,here1 as everywhere else1 work that will occupy the mind is a sovereign cure for this habit4 ,one can usually sit in one's own room1 but if one does not1 there is always a book to be read in parlors or on the veranda1 which will show the would-be gossip or retailer of scandal that one is too much occupied to engage in conversation4 ,sidenote3 ,,two ,,good ,,rules ,certainly in a hotel no one lives unto himself1 but each must consider the comfort of his neighbor4 ,such a semi-public life is at the best a poor substitute for a home existence4 ,two rules to be observed will make other rules of hotel or boarding-house etiquette sink into insignificance compared with their importance4 ,first3 ,do nothing that will make others uncomfortable4 ,second3 ,pay attention to your own business1 and pay no attention to that of other people4 ,,chapter ,,xxvi ,,in ,,the ,,restaurant ,,the woman who1 for the first time1 is taken to dinner in a large restaurant is naturally slightly confused by the experience4 ,she needs1 however1 to know only a few essential points in order to be able to conduct herself with propriety and to enjoy her evening4 ,she and the man who has taken her will leave their wraps in charge of the maid or hat man at the door4 ,if she has worn a hat1 she will retain this1 but if she has gone in a carriage or a car with only a light scarf about her head1 she need not be embarrassed1 for many of the women in the room will be without head-gear4 ,in this country1 it is not customary for women dining in public places to wear gowns cut more than slightly low4 ,when the two are shown to their table1 the woman should remove her gloves1 keeping them in her lap or perhaps putting them on an empty chair that is near4 ,neither the gloves nor a hand-bag should ever be placed on the table4 ,the man should do the ordering1 but as he will consult his guest's wishes1 she should be prepared to express these definitely and with sufficient promptness not to keep the waiter standing too long4 ,unless something very elaborate is desired1 a plate of raw oysters1 a little fish or a bit of bird1 a salad and a sweet with coffee1 with the things that go with them1 will suffice4 ,the custom as to ordering is not the same in all restaurants and if two women be alone1 the one who is acting as hostess should ask whether the waiter wants the entire order at once or not4 ,usually a slip of paper and pencil are given which saves the possibility of mistake on the part of the waiter4 ,frequently1 the portions of meat and salad and of some other dishes are abundant for two persons1 but it will be well to make a friend of the waiter to the extent of asking if this is the case4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the habit of certain fussy people when eating in a restaurant of wiping off their plates before they are served is intolerable--and foolish4 ,it is unpleasant for other people1--besides1 if the plates are not clean1 there is no ground for faith in the napkins4 ,to snap the fingers at a waiter is to stamp one's self as a vulgarian4 ,sidenote3 ,a ,,moderate ,,order ,order within your means and display no anxiety when toward the end of the meal the waiter lays your bill face downward on the table4 ,when you are ready to pay it1 satisfy yourself that it is correct and place on the waiter's tray a sum sufficient to cover it and the amount of the tip custom says you must give4 ,if a mistake has been made1 a quiet word will usually prove a sufficient remedy4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,menu ,,card ,for the benefit of the woman1 who for the first time is confronted with the elaborate menu card of an expensive restaurant1 the following explanation of terms is given3 8,aspic0--,meat jelly4 8,au ,gratin0--,dishes covered with crumbs and browned4 8,au ,naturel0--,plain1 simple4 ,potatoes cooked in their jackets are 8au naturel40 8,barbecue0--,to roast any animal whole1 usually in the open air4 8,bisque0--,soups made thick with mince and crumbs4 8,blanch0--,to parboil1 to scald vegetables1 nuts1 etc41 in order to remove the skin4 8,blanquette0--,any white meat warmed in a white sauce1 thickened with eggs4 8,bouillon0--,a clear broth4 8,bouquet0--,a sprig of each of the herbs used in seasoning1 rolled up in a spray of parsley and tied securely4 8,caf au lait0--,coffee boiled with milk4 8,caf noir0--,black coffee4 8,camembert0--,a brand of fancy cheese4 8,canap0--,usually toast with cheese or potted meat spread upon it4 ,sometimes made of pastry4 8,cannelon0--,meat stuffed1 rolled up and roasted or braised4 8,capers0--,unopened buds of a low trailing shrub grown in southern ,europe4 ,pickled and used in sauces4 8,capon0--,a chicken castrated for the sake of improving the quality of the flesh4 8,caramel0--,a sirup of burnt sugar1 used for flavoring custards1 etc41 and for coloring soups4 8,casserole0--,a covered dish in which meat is cooked2 sometimes applied to forms of pastry1 rice or macaroni filled with meat4 8,champignons0--,french mushrooms4 8,charlotte0--,a preparation of cream or fruit1 formed in a mold1 lined with fruit or cake4 8,chervil0--,the leaf of a ,european plant used as a salad4 8,chillies0--,red peppers4 8,chives0--,an herb allied to the onion family4 8,chutney0--,a hot acid sauce made from apples1 raisins1 tomatoes1 cayenne1 ginger1 garlic1 shalots1 lemons1 vinegar1 salt and sugar4 8,comfitures0--,preserves4 8,compote0--,fruit stewed in sirup4 8,consomm0--,clear soup4 8,cream sugar and butter0--,is to rub the sugar into the butter until they are well incorporated1 then beat light and smooth4 8,creole1 ,a la0--,with tomatoes4 8,croquettes0--,a savory mince of meat1 or fowl1 or fish1 or mashed potatoes1 rice or other vegetables1 made into shapes and fried in deep fat4 8,croustade0--,a kind of patty made of bread or prepared rice4 8,croutons0--,small bits of crusted bread used in soups or as garnishes4 8,croutons0--,bread dice fried4 8,crumpet0--,raised muffins baked on a griddle4 8,curries0--,stews of meat or fish1 seasoned with curry powder and served with rice4 8,de ,brie0--,a brand of fancy cheese4 8,demi-tasse0--,a small cup2 term usually applied to after-dinner coffee4 8,deviled0--,seasoned hotly4 8,eclair0--,pastry or cake filled with cream4 8,en ,coquille0--,served in shells4 8,endive0--,a plant of the composite family used as a salad4 8,entres0--,small made dishes served between courses at dinner4 8,entrements0--,second course side-dishes1 including vegetables1 eggs and sweets4 8,farcie0--,stuffed4 8,fillets0--,long thin pieces of meat or fish1 generally rolled and tied4 8,fines herbes0--,minced parsley1 etc4 8,finnan ,haddock0--,haddock smoked and dried4 8,fondant0--,melting4 ,boiled sugar1 the basis of ,french candy4 8,fondue--,a preparation of melted cheese4 8,french dressing0--,a simple salad dressing of oil1 vinegar1 salt1 pepper1 and sometimes mustard4 8,galantine0--,meat1 boned1 stuffed1 rolled and boiled1 always served cold4 8,glac0--,iced4 8,glaze0--,stock boiled down to a thin paste4 8,grilled0--,broiled4 8,gruyre0--,a brand of fancy cheese4 8,hors d'uvres0--,relishes4 8,jardinire0--,a mixed preparation of vegetables stewed in their own sauce2 a garnish of vegetables4 8,julienne0--,a clear soup with shredded vegetables4 8,koumiss0--,milk fermented with yeast4 8,lardoon0--,the piece of salt pork used in larding4 8,lentils0--,a variety of the bean tribe used in soups1 etc4 8,marrons0--,chestnuts4 8,mayonnaise0--,a salad dressing made of oil1 the yolks of eggs1 vinegar or lemon juice1 salt and cayenne4 8,meringue0--,the white of eggs whipped to a standing froth with powdered sugar4 8,mousse0--,ice-cream made from whipped cream4 8,noodles0--,dough1 cut into strips or other shapes1 dried and then dropped into soup4 8,nougat0--,almond candy4 8,paprika0--,hungarian sweet red pepper4 8,pt0--,some preparation of pastry1 usually a small pie4 ,hence 8patty-pans40 8,pt de foie gras0--,small pie filled with fat goose liver4 8,pice de rsistance0--,principal dish at a meal4 8,pilau0--,east ,indian or ,turkish dish of meat and rice4 8,pimento0--,jamaica pepper4 8,pimolas0--,small olives stuffed with pimento--i4 e41 sweet red pepper4 8,piquant0--,sharply flavored1 as 8sauce piquant10 a highly seasoned sauce4 8,pistachio0--,a pale greenish nut resembling the almond4 8,polenta0--,an ,italian mush made of ,indian meal1 or of ground chestnuts4 8,potage0--,a family soup4 8,potpourri0--,a highly seasoned stew of divers materials--meat1 spices1 vegetables and the like2 a ,spanish dish4 8,pure0--,vegetables or cereals cooked and rubbed through a sieve to make a thick soup4 8,ragout0--,stewed meat in rich gravy4 8,ramakins0--,a preparation of cheese and puff paste or toast1 baked or browned4 8,rechauff0--,anything warmed over4 8,rissoles0--,minced meat1 made into rolls covered with pastry or rice1 and fried4 8,rissotto0--,rice and cheese cooked together2 an ,italian dish4 8,roquefort0--,a brand of fancy cheese4 8,rti0--,roasted4 8,roulade0--,meat stuffed1 skewered into a roll and cooked4 8,roux0--,butter and flour cooked together and stirred in a smooth cream4 ,a white roux is made with uncooked flour2 a brown1 with flour that has been browned by stirring it upon a tin plate over the fire4 8,salmi0--,a warmed-over dish of game1 well seasoned4 8,saut0--,to fry lightly in hot fat or butter1 not deep enough to cover the thing cooked4 8,scalpion0--,a mince of poultry1 ham and other meats used for entres1 or it may be a mixture of fruits in a flavored sirup4 8,scones0--,scotch cakes of flour and meal4 8,shalot0--,a variety of onion4 8,sorbet0--,frozen punch4 8,soubise0--,a sort of onion sauce eaten with meat4 8,souffl0--,a 8trifle0 pudding1 beaten almost as light as froth1 then baked quickly4 8,supreme0--,white cream gravy made of chicken4 8,tarragon0--,an herb the leaves of which are used for seasoning and in flavoring vinegar4 8,tartare0--,as a 8sauce tartare0--tart1 acid4 8,timbale0--,a small pie or pudding baked in a mold and turned out while hot4 8,to ,braise ,meat0--,cook in a covered pan in the oven with stock1 minced vegetables1 and peas1 beans1 etc41 whole1 and with savory herbs4 8,to ,marinate0--,to cover with lemon juice or vinegar and oil1 or with spiced vinegar4 8,truffles0--,a species of fungi growing in clusters some inches below the surface of the ground4 ,used in seasoning and for a garnish4 8,tutti-frutti0--,a mixture of fruits4 8,velout0--,a smooth white sauce4 8,vol-au-vent0--,light puff pastry baked in a mold and filled with chicken1 sweetbreads or other delicate viand4 8,zwieback0--,bread baked twice4 ,,chapter ,,xxvii ,,when ,,traveling ,,the selection of proper receptacles for one's baggage is the first point to be considered in making preparations for a journey4 ,the trunk-makers offer great variety in the material1 quality and price of their wares4 ,the indispensable requisite of a trunk1 whatever be the material of its composition1 is that it shall be strong4 ,look well to hinges1 lock and corners before buying4 ,a trunk that will not stand wear and tear is not worth having4 ,one need not purchase an expensive trunk1 but one can not afford to purchase a cheap one4 ,the material employed must be good1 though the appearance need not be luxurious4 ,if one can afford the price1 one may find trunks where separate trays are provided for each gown or where indeed frocks may be hung at full length and come forth at the end of a journey as they might come from my lady's closet4 ,but for those who can not or do not care to put sizable sums of money into the carriers of their clothes1 there are good sensible receptacles at a moderate price4 ,a steamer trunk1 by reason of its shape and size1 is a convenient general-purpose piece of baggage and is especially to be commended for short journeys4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,traveling-,,bag ,the bag one selects has much to do with one's comfort in traveling4 ,it should be large enough to hold a nightrobe1 a kimono1 one's toilet articles1 also an extra shirt-waist and a change of underclothing in case of detention4 ,the size of the bag is important4 ,it must not be so large that it is a burden to carry if necessity compels4 ,it must not be so small that the articles mentioned may not rest comfortably and without crowding within4 ,as with trunks1 so in bags1 one finds a large variety in values4 ,it pays to get a good bag of nice leather1 conveniently arranged for carrying the articles necessary to one's comfort4 ,such a bag1 one that pleases the eye and in which one may find one's things without a distracting search for them1 gives an amount of satisfaction to a traveler beyond the power of words to convey4 ,one of the most acceptable gifts that can be made to a person who is not of the stay-at-home type is a generously fitted traveling-bag4 ,as thousands of bags are made precisely alike1 the stamping of one's initials at the end or side may save time and trouble4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,dressing ,,for ,a ,,journey ,one should wear dark inconspicuous clothing in traveling1 and of a weight suitable to the season of the year4 ,beflowered hats1 light gowns1 light gloves--unless these are washable--and jewelry are in the worst of taste and proclaim the unsophisticated or the parvenu4 ,to be dressed comfortably and modestly is the aim of the experienced traveler4 ,in summer a dark silk dress of light weight with a silk rain-coat makes an ideal traveling costume1 as neither holds dust4 ,a woman so attired will arrive at the end of her journey in much better condition than her less experienced companion who clings to white 787 blouses4 ,if a fresh veil and a pair of white gloves are tucked into her bag to be put on at the last moment1 she will be charmingly immaculate4 ,a black silk bag for the protection of one's hat is a good idea though most ,pullmans supply paper sacks for this purpose4 99 99 99 99 99 ,if possible1 it is well on a journey to carry with one something more in the way of money than one's traveling expenses4 ,one can not tell what emergency may arise or what unexpected demands may be made upon one4 ,many women carry the funds not immediately in use1 in some sort of pocket fastened on or made into the petticoat they wear4 ,one can buy very pretty separate pockets of this sort made of leather or one can make them of a stout silk fastened down by a clasp on the flap4 ,elaborate preparation in caring for one's wealth is the penalty a woman pays for being without pockets in her clothes4 ,while it is wise for her to put the funds unnecessary for immediate use in some such safe place as that described1 she should not keep articles which she may be at any moment called upon to deliver1 in a spot which it is embarrassing for her to reach4 ,train conductors and baggage agents have many a grin and sly smile over the woman who must reach under her petticoat before she can deliver up ticket and trunk checks4 ,an amusing instance of this overcaution1 so much more characteristic of women than of men1 occurs to the writer4 ,an acquaintance1 starting on a ,european voyage1 took the most elaborate means for the hiding of her valuables upon her person4 ,in transit she stayed the night at a ,new ,york hotel and woke in the morning to discover1 to her horror1 that she had slept all night with the door of her room unlocked and the key on the outside4 ,a considerable amount of change in a separate purse from one's bills is a convenience and a safeguard4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,making ,,acquaintances ,a man may1 if he chooses1 make acquaintances on a journey1 and a woman also1 though with less frequency and freedom4 ,the exigencies of travel may sometimes make it pleasant for her to render or receive aid from another woman or possibly a man2 and this may be the starting-point for acquaintance4 ,as a usual thing1 it is best for a young girl traveling alone1 to avoid all communication with strangers1 as she can not know into what complications it may lead her4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,comfort ,,in ,a ,,pullman ,if one is making a journey that compels night travel1 one must secure one's section or half-section in the ,pullman or sleeper beforehand4 ,in order to get good accommodations it is well to do this several days in advance4 ,the difficulty of getting into an upper berth makes most women choose the lower1 though it is more costly and decidedly stuffier4 ,when one climbs aboard a train the porter follows with one's belongings1 finds one's section or half-section and deposits the hand luggage in its place4 ,some travelers are very thoughtless in appropriating more than their share of the space appointed for wraps1 bags1 etc4 ,if one has paid for a half-section only1 one has no right to take more than that1 unless the other half of the section remains unsold4 ,when a traveler wishes his bed made up he should summon the porter and so declare4 ,usually an electric bell between the windows of his section will enable him to call the porter at any time4 ,if the traveler is a woman and is for any reason dissatisfied with her berth or section1 she may consult with the porter about a change which1 if the car is not full1 he is often able to arrange for her4 ,for instance1 if a woman having a lower section finds that the upper is to be occupied by a man1 it is often possible1 by the payment of a small sum to the porter1 to move her quarters4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,timid ,,traveler ,sidenote3 ,,dressing ,,for ,,the ,,night ,many women who find themselves compelled for the first time to take a sleeping-car1 feel timid at the prospect4 ,but the process is simple though not necessarily comfortable4 ,once behind the curtains a woman may remove all her clothing precisely as she does at home if she feel equal to the physical ordeal of putting it on again in a crowded space in the morning to the accompaniment of rapid motion and the nausea it often induces4 ,unless one is a good traveler1 it may be preferable to remove one's dress1 pinning the skirt to the inside of the curtain to save its freshness1 putting small articles in the swinging hammock next the windows and for the rest merely loosening bands4 ,directly above the head one will find in all first-class trains a button that when pressed will give a light by which one can read or which will help one the better to endure an hour of nervous wakefulness4 ,a small bottle of brandy or spirits of ammonia is carried by delicate women to ward off train sickness4 ,a woman should not hesitate to summon the porter for extra covers1 a glass of water or any other service that contributes to her real comfort4 ,to send for him with too great frequency shows lack of experience and consideration4 ,if one is to be called before daylight it is wise to give one's self ample time for dressing and so the porter should be instructed to call one at a certain time considerably ahead of the hour for leaving the train4 ,experienced women travelers do not don white night-dresses in sleeping-cars1 but keep a dark silk robe for this purpose1 insuring equal comfort and a better appearance in case of illness or accident4 99 99 99 99 99 ,there are many small offices for which one may call upon the porter if so inclined4 ,one must1 however1 keep it in mind that he should be rewarded proportionately at the end of the journey after he has performed his last office of brushing one off4 ,twenty-five cents is the usual amount given to him for the services rendered in twenty-four hours4 ,an occasional wary traveler bestows his tip for the first rather than the last service asked4 ,if a porter appears sullen this method will be found to have advantages4 99 99 99 99 99 ,before leaving one's berth in the morning1 one should1 as far as possible1 get into one's undergarments over which one slips a bathrobe or kimono before going to the toilet-room4 ,one should take with one to the toilet comb1 brush1 tooth-brush1 clothes-brush1 wash-cloth1 a cake of soap 7it is never wise to use the public cake7 and the gown one intends wearing1 with its accessories4 ,all the toilet articles should be carried in a silk waterproof 8companion10 or better still1 in a crash apron with rubber-lined pockets for soap and towels1 to be tied about the waist4 ,arrived there one should be as expeditious as possible in order not to keep others waiting4 ,one woman's selfishness in out-staying her time in the toilet-room may keep ten others in misery4 ,it is not the time and place for a complete bath4 ,nowhere is the quality of true courtesy more needed than in the toilet-room of a ,pullman4 ,when one has finished one's ablutions1 combed one's hair and fastened one's gown1 one should clean the basin and place the soiled towels out of the way4 ,when one leaves the room it should be ready for the next comer4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,in ,,the ,,dining ,,car ,when the announcement is made that breakfast1 dinner or luncheon1 as the case may be1 is served1 the passenger makes his way to the diner4 ,if this is crowded he must wait his time patiently and with courtesy to those about him4 ,sometimes the meal is served a la carte 7literally1 by the card71 in which case a separate charge is made for each article on the bill of fare or menu4 7,menu1 by the way1 is pronounced 8may-noo10 not 8meyn-you0 as one often hears it47 ,many dining-cars serve meals table d'hote 7tah-bul-dote7 and for these a fixed charge of one dollar is made4 ,some train dinners are very good indeed1 others are execrable4 ,if a dish is particularly bad and one complaint does not produce a better1 the diner should not brow-beat his waiter--who is not to blame--but may if he choose speak to the steward in charge4 ,having been served he should fee the waiter4 ,the usual fee is one-tenth the price of the meal1 though men1 more frequently than women1 give more than this4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,arriving ,,at ,a ,,hotel ,arrival in a strange city is bewildering to a person who has traveled little4 ,there are always1 however1 in the city railway stations1 bureaus of information where one may find out the necessary things4 ,if one is desirous of a cab1 one may discover there the most trustworthy line2 or1 if a car is wanted1 what direction one must take to find the proper one4 ,usually the traveler1 if intending to go to a hotel1 will have made himself acquainted1 before arrival in the city1 with the relative value and expense of the different ones4 ,a person is much better treated at such places if he writes or telegraphs ahead for accommodations4 ,a woman should choose the side entrance1 if there is one1 as this is reserved for ladies4 ,if a woman arrives in a strange city1 unaccompanied1 it is sometimes difficult for her to get the hotel accommodations she desires4 ,at some hotels they will not admit unaccompanied women after nightfall4 ,under these circumstances the traveler would better go to the hostelries established by the ,young ,women's ,christian ,association1 where she may feel certain of the character of the place and entertainment4 ,these places invariably require that one shall be introduced and one will do well1 therefore1 to take a letter from one's clergyman4 ,the length of one's stay is usually limited but it is sufficient for the ordinary holiday or shopping visit4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,unaccompanied ,,woman ,if you are arriving in a city and expect to be 8met10 do not1 if you can possibly avoid it1 take a train that pulls in at an unearthly hour of the night or early morning4 ,if you must take such a train1 tell your hostess she is not to meet you1 that you will stay the night at a down-town hotel or at least will take a carriage4 ,an intelligent woman need have no fear of danger in arriving in a strange city alone4 ,she may possibly be annoyed by a bold stare1 even by a question1 but the chances are that if she be quiet in dress and manner she will not suffer even inconvenience4 ,policemen and station officials are always willing to answer the questions of perplexed travelers4 ,a little fee sometimes helps them speak more eloquently4 ,it is not wise to depend upon the chance passer-by for information4 ,the person whose business it is to inform you is not likely to tell you what is untrue4 ,of him you have a right to expect something4 ,of others you have a right to expect nothing1 and you may come in for less than the value of your expectations4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,on ,,board ,a ,,boat ,the general etiquette of steamboat travel does not differ from that on board a train4 ,boat travel is of a more leisurely sort and begets somewhat less formality as relates to one's fellow travelers4 ,otherwise the rules of behavior are the same4 99 99 99 99 99 ,as a parting injunction to the traveler1 let me say1--don't look worried1 cross and over-careful even if you feel that way4 ,courtesy to subordinates will win you attention and service1 will straighten out your difficulties more quickly than any other method4 ,if you take the ills of traveling with some sense of humor1 with a give-and-take spirit1 you will get more than the benefit of the money your journey may cost you4 ,if you do not carry an elastic spirit with you1 the finest trip that ever was planned will bring you little return4 ,sidenote3 ,,chaperons ,,in ,,europe ,a woman who travels abroad must remember that the rules of chaperonage are much stricter in ,europe than they are in this country1 and that she is expected to have a companion or a maid4 ,if she wishes to dispense with these1 she must reconcile herself to foregoing social invitations4 ,if she makes inquiry she can always learn of particularly desirable pensions where she may count on finding among the guests a congenial person to accompany her on many of her short excursions4 ,on board the steamship the luckiest passengers in the dining-salon are those who are fortunate enough to be allotted seats at the captain's table4 ,,chapter ,,xxviii ,,in ,,sport ,,sport1 scientists tell us1 is a relic of prehistoric pursuits2 and the so-called sporting instinct is a stirring of the primeval nature within civilized breasts4 ,perhaps that is why more people forget the first tenets of good breeding when competing in various forms of outdoor exercise than in nearly all the other walks of life put together4 ,the man who would view with an amiable smirk the spilling of a glass of ,burgundy over his white waistcoat at a dinner1 will often exhibit babyish rage at the breaking of a favorite golf-club or the stupidity of a caddie4 ,the girl whose self-control permits her to smile and murmur3 8,it's really of no consequence60 when a dance-partner's foot tears three yards of lace off her train1 will seldom show the same calm good-humor when her opponent at tennis serves balls that are too swift and too hard-driven for her to return4 99 99 99 99 99 ,there are many concrete and a few general rules for behavior in sport of all sorts1 the observance or neglect of which denotes the 8thoroughbred0 or the boor far more accurately than would a week full of ordinary routine4 ,the general rules apply to every form of sport4 ,they are1 briefly3 ,first1 last and always--keep your temper6 ,remember the word 8sport0 means 8pastime40 ,when it becomes a cause of annoyance or impatience1 or an occasion for loss of temper1 it misses its true aim and you are not worthy to continue it4 ,sidenote3 ,,remember ,,the ,,other ,,man ,second2 the 8other fellow0 has quite as much right to a good time as you have4 ,do not play selfishly1 or vaunt your superiority over him4 ,in all contests1 show no elation at victory1 or chagrin at defeat4 ,this is the first and great law4 ,its observance differentiates the true sportsman from the mere sporting-man4 ,third2 play fairly4 ,the man or girl who will take an undue advantage of any description over an opponent1 not only breaks the most sacred rules of good breeding1 but robs himself or herself of the real enjoyment of the game4 ,fourth2 no sport in which people of breeding can participate demands loud talking1 ill-bred language or actions1 or the abridgment of any of the small sweet courtesies of life4 ,to sum up1--good breeding1 fairness1 self-control and patience are needful equipments4 ,without any and all of these no man or woman should take part in sports4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,golf-,,player ,golf1 perhaps1 more than any other outdoor pastime1 demands a thorough and judicious blend of the foregoing qualities4 ,the old story of the ,scotch clergyman1 whose conscience would not allow him to continue both golf and the ministry1 and who therefore abandoned the latter1 was of course an exaggeration4 ,but the idea it expresses is by no means absurd4 ,when a crowd of people throng the links--when novice and adept1 crank and mere exercise-seeker are jumbled together in seeming confusion--it is not always easy to keep a cool head1 a sweet temper and a resolution neither to give nor to take offense4 ,many a golf-player errs in behavior less through ill-intent than through heedlessness and ignorance of what the etiquette of the occasion demands4 ,such enthusiasts may profit by the ensuing rules which cover the more salient points of decorum1 and which may enable the beginner to avoid many a pitfall3 ,when two players 8drive off0 from the tee they should always wait until the couple in front of them have made their second shot and walked off from it4 ,thus confusion is averted and the proper distance maintained4 ,it is a simple rule1 but one often broken4 ,three players should always let a pair of players pass them4 ,not only should they grant the desired position1 but they should offer to do so before the question1 8,may we pass80 can be asked4 ,the pair in question should 7in case such permission is not volunteered7 ask politely to be allowed to move forward4 ,the yell of 8,fore60 is all the strict rules of the game demand1 but the rules of breeding should come first4 ,a single player must give way to all larger parties4 ,this is but fair1 since golf is1 preeminently1 a match2 and those actively engaged in the contest should have the right of way over a man who is merely practising4 ,the 8single player0 must recognize and yield with good grace4 ,if he desires unobstructed practise1 let him choose some time when the links are vacant4 ,sidenote3 ,,on ,,the ,,putting ,,green ,never drive on the 8putting green0 when other players are there 8putting out40 ,players should not neglect to get off the green the moment they have 8holed out40 ,the place is not intended as an isle of safety1 or a club-house corner where scores may be computed1 gossip exchanged1 or the work of others watched4 ,if you are at the tee waiting for others to 8drive off10 never speak1 cough1 or in any way distract the attention of the player who is addressing the ball4 ,inconsiderate or ill-bred people in this way spoil hundreds of good drives and thousands of good tempers every year4 ,when a man and a woman are playing golf1 the latter should always be allowed to precede on the first drive off from the first tee4 ,a man1 playing against a woman1 should not allow himself to get too far ahead of her4 ,do not leave her to plod on alone4 ,this same rule applies when playing with another man4 ,do not go after the ball after a drive until your opponent drives4 ,then walk together in pursuit4 ,never go ahead of your partner4 ,sidenote3 ,,avoid ,,haste ,,in ,,golf ,use no undue haste in golf4 ,never run6 ,if you are not employing a caddie1 always offer to carry the clubs of the woman with whom you are playing4 ,in the same circumstances offer to make the tee from which she is to drive off4 ,it is optional with her whether or not to accept your offer4 ,when you have no caddie allow players who have caddies to pass you4 ,they will go faster than you and should have the right of way4 ,never make unfavorable criticisms of others' play4 ,never1 above all1 laugh at any of their blunders4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,when ,,motoring ,automobiling has so increased in popularity that it is almost a national pastime4 ,and with its growing favor has sprung up a noxious and flourishing crop of bad manners4 ,there seems to be something about the speed1 the smell of gasoline or the sense of superiority over slower vehicles1 that robs many an otherwise well-bred automobilist of all consideration4 ,yet the utmost consideration is due1 not only to mere mortals but to fellow 8motormen40 ,common humanity1 as well as civility1 should always prompt a chauffeur to stop at sight of a disabled car and to ask if he can be of assistance2 to offer the loan of any necessary tools or extra gasoline2 or even1 if necessary1 to volunteer a 8tow40 ,do not presume on the community of interests to address the chauffeur or passengers of a passing car1 any more than the passengers of one ordinary vehicle would address those of another4 ,do not stare at another's car1 nor1 if at a standstill1 examine the mechanism4 ,this is the height of rudeness4 ,the fact that you are so lucky as to own a car gives you no license to investigate the workings of another man's machine1 or in other ways to make yourself obnoxious4 ,when passing a car of inferior horse-power1 do not choose that moment to exhibit your own greater speed4 ,be careful also not to give such a car your dust nor 7so far as you can avoid7 to sicken its occupants with the smell of your motor's gasoline4 ,do not boast of the phenomenal runs you have made4 ,you are not a record-holder4 ,and when you become one1 the newspapers will gladly exploit the fact without any viva voce testimony from you4 ,when meeting a horse vehicle watch closely to see if the horse shows signs of fear4 ,if he does1 completely stop your car1 and if the driver of the horse be a woman1 dismount and lead the horse past your car4 ,do not violate the speed ordinance4 ,the ordinance was made for public safety1 not to spite you4 ,do not frighten animals or pedestrians1 nor carelessly steer too near to some farmer's live stock which may happen to be in the road4 ,remember the owner of the chickens or dogs you may run over is helping to pay for the smooth road you are traversing4 ,the road is partly his1 and you are in a measure his guest4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,rules ,,for ,,tennis ,tennis offers fewer opportunities for 8breaks0 than do many other of the sports of the hour4 ,yet good breeding is here as necessary as when playing any other game4 ,if you have a woman for a partner and it is her 8serve10 do not neglect to pick up and hand her the balls before each service4 ,second her more carefully than if she were a man1 and take charge of the extra balls for her4 ,if a woman is your opponent1 remember she has not the strength and endurance of a man4 ,serve gently4 ,do not slam balls over the net at cannonball speed and force4 ,oppose only moderate strength to her lesser power4 ,give her the benefit of the doubt in case of a 8let10 or when the ball may or may not be over the back line4 ,in 8double service0 do not serve the second ball until she has recovered her position from pursuing the first4 ,the choice of rackets should also1 of course1 be hers2 and any work1 such as putting up the nets1 hunting the lost ball1 and so on1 devolves on you4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,yachtsman ,,as ,,host ,the yachtsman is of two classes1--the man who delights in the dangers and seamanship incident on a cranky 8wind-jammer0 in a heavy sea1 and the man whose boat is a floating club-house4 ,both types are prone to forget at times that their guests are not so enthusiastic as themselves2 that they may be nervous or inclined to seasickness1 and that the amusements of their host may not always appeal to them4 ,the man who would never think of causing inconvenience to a guest on land will show impatience or lack of sympathy at that same guest's timidity or mal de mer1 when afloat4 ,the same rules of behavior that obtain between host and guest ashore should prevail on the yacht4 ,the tastes of the latter should be as scrupulously considered and his or her likes and dislikes be as considerately met4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,canoeing ,similar laws of social usages apply to boating and canoeing4 8,the fool that rocks the boat0 has received so many warnings and such just and wholesome condemnation that there is no use wasting further words on him4 ,no man who values the safety and comfort of his companion will do anything to imperil either4 ,a man should always offer to row1 but should give the girl who is with him the option of doing so if she wishes4 ,he should hold the boat steady for her and assist her to embark1 having previously arranged the cushions in the stern and made all other possible plans for her comfort4 ,the course they are to take should always be left to her choice1 and her wishes should be consulted in every way4 ,a girl would also do well to remember that the man who has taken her boating is doing all the work and is trying to give her a pleasant time4 ,she should meet him half-way1 and should try to repress any nervousness she may experience in being on the water and should welcome the opportunity to help when occasionally requested by her 8skipper0 to 8trim boat40 99 99 99 99 99 ,swimming is essentially a man's sport4 ,while many women are good swimmers1 they usually lack the strength and endurance to make them men's equals in this line4 ,a man should therefore be careful to avoid overtaxing the strength of the girl who is swimming with him2 should be content to remain near the shore if she so desire1 and1 in surf-bathing1 should lift her over the breakers1 or try to shield her from their force4 ,in teaching others to swim1 infinite patience1 good temper and tact are needful4 ,allow for the nervousness and awkwardness which are the almost inseparable attributes of beginners4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,driving ,,and ,,riding ,in driving always ask your companion if she or he would prefer to handle the reins4 ,do not1 by bursts of speed1 or by 8fights0 with a fractious horse1 endanger the safety or composure of your guest4 99 99 99 99 99 ,in riding horseback1 never remain mounted when addressing some friend who is on foot4 ,if your initial salute is to be followed by any conversation1 dismount and remain on foot until you take your leave4 ,in helping a girl to the saddle1 extend your hand that she may place her left foot in the palm1 and on the same instant that you raise the hand she will spring into the saddle2 always adjust the curb and snaffle1 hand them to her and arrange her riding-habit before you mount your own horse4 ,cross-saddle riding for women is now so common that it is generally accepted4 ,still a girl who makes a visit where she expects to ride should make sure her hostess approves this method before she adopts it4 ,those who hold that a lady should use a side-saddle feel strongly on the subject4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,good ,,breeding ,,in ,,games ,there are countless pitfalls for the unwary in all forms of sport2 but none that can not be readily bridged by consideration for others1 by good temper1 and by the commonest rules of breeding4 ,one general rule for all sports and games is1 do not take part unless you can play reasonably well4 ,to do so otherwise is sure to embarrass you and to interfere with the pleasure of others4 ,,chapter ,,xxix ,,mrs4 ,,newlyrich ,,and ,,her ,,social ,,duties ,,we have ridiculed our newly-rich woman's fads1 pretensions and failures so sharply and for so long that we find it hard to do justice to the solid virtues she often possesses4 ,the average specimen is fair game1 and we--one and all1 from the gentlest to the most sarcastic--unite in 8setting her down40 ,except perhaps the mother-in-law1 no other woman supplies fun-makers with such abundant--and cheap--material4 ,she might retaliate on her persecutors more frequently than she does by attributing much of the ridicule1 fine and coarse1 heaped on her1 to envy1 far meaner than the meanest of her pretensions4 99 99 99 99 99 ,thus much for the average specimen at her worst4 ,the exceptions to the ignoble parvenu are numerous enough to form a class by themselves4 ,it is not a disgrace in this country of dizzying down-sittings and bewildering uprisings1 for miner1 mechanic1 merchant or manufacturer to make money fast4 ,it is to his credit when he insists that the girl who was poorer than himself when they were married1 and who has kept him at his best physical and mental estate ever since by wise management of their modest household--making every dollar do the work of a dollar-and-a-quarter while feeding and clothing her family--should get the full benefit of his changed fortunes4 ,in house1 furniture1 clothing1 company1 and what he names vaguely 8a good time generally10 he means that she shall ruffle it with the bravest of her associates4 ,he means also that these associates shall be in accord with his means4 ,and the intention need not be in vain4 ,a woman who is by instinct a lady1 and who is at all clever in observing the little things she lacks and acquiring them1 will find herself 8received0 by as many delightful people as she has time for4 ,and inwardly she may take courage from a witty woman's remark1 8,i'd as soon be the newly-rich as the always-poor40 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,mr4 ,,newlyrich ,however1 the odds are all against the chances that our worthy money-maker himself will conform his personal behavior to the new conditions4 ,husbands of his type leave 8all that sort of thing0 to wives and daughters1 and make the social advancement of these women harder thereby4 ,not the least formidable obstacle in their upward journey is the stubborn fact that 8your father is quite impossible40 ,sidenote3 ,,social ,,polish ,men1 as a whole1 do not take polish readily4 ,as ,john ,newlyrich did not wear a dress coat before he was twenty-one he is seldom quite at ease in a 8swallow-tail0 at forty4 ,as a millionaire of fifty1 he rebels against the obligation to wear it to the family dinner every evening in the week4 ,if he has read ,dickens1 which is hardly likely1 he echoes ,mrs4 ,boffin's 8,lor'6 let us be comfortable60 ,he butters a whole slice of bread1 using his knife trowel-wise1 and if busy talking of something that interests him particularly1 he lays the slice upon the cloth during the troweling4 ,he cuts up his salad1 and makes the knife a good second to a fork while eating fish4 ,loyal to the memories of early life1 he never gets over the habit of speaking of dinner as 8supper10 and observes in conversation at a fashionable reception1 8,as ,i was eating my dinner at noon to-day40 ,in like absent-mindedness1 he tucks his napkin into his collar to protect the expanse of shirt-front exposed by the low-cut waistcoat of his dress suit4 ,he says 8sir10 to his equals1 and addresses facetious remarks to the butler1 or draws the waitress into conversation while meals are going on4 ,anxious wife and despairing daughters are grateful if he does not put his knife into his mouth when off-guard4 ,trifles--are they8 ,not to the climbers who are exercised thereby4 ,they are gravel between the teeth1 and pebbles in the dainty foot-wear of ,mrs4 ,newlyrich4 ,the history of her social struggles would be incomplete without the mention of this drawback4 ,she has learned the by-laws of social usage by heart1 and1 loving and loyal wife though she is1 she sometimes loses patience with ,john for not doing the same4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,proper ,,social ,,aspiration ,in this1 and in many another perplexity1 more or less grievous1 our heroine has our sympathy and deserves our respect4 ,we use the word 8heroine0 advisedly4 ,we have put the wealthy pushing vulgarian1 who is part of the stock company of caricature and joke-wright1 entirely out of the question4 ,she has her sphere and her reward4 ,our business is with the woman of worthy aspirations and innate refinement1 raised by a whirl of fortune's wheel from decent poverty to actual wealth4 ,she has a natural desire to mingle on equal terms with the better sort of rich people4 ,she is glad of her wealth1 but not purse-proud4 ,it has introduced her to another world4 ,of her social life it may be truly said that old things have passed away and all things have become new4 ,it would be phenomenal if she fitted at once and easily into it4 ,money has bought her fine house1 and for money the artistic upholsterer has furnished it4 ,money has hired a staff of servants1 whereas up to now1 a maid-of-all-work was her sole 8help40 ,sidenote3 ,,elegance ,,in ,,speech ,money does not enable her to master the 8shibboleth0 that would be her passport to the land she would possess4 ,and to mangle it into 8sibboleth0--as the least sophisticated of us know--means social slaughter at the passages of ,jordan4 ,one's speech and manner of speaking are of the first importance socially1 and fortunately it is not difficult to improve them if one earnestly determines to do so4 ,one may frankly take private lessons1 or one may learn much by listening closely to the talk of people of high social finish4 ,one should not1 however1 imitate slavishly or attempt the impossible4 ,to use the 8broad a0 gracefully one must either have been born to it or assiduously trained in one's younger days4 ,otherwise it is bound to seem an affectation4 ,an error heard with surprising frequency even from well-educated people is the use of 8don't0 for 8doesn't40 ,in ,sesame and ,lilies ,ruskin remarks1 8,a false accent or a mistaken syllable is enough in the parliament of any civilized nation1 to assign a man to a certain degree of inferior standing forever40 ,this is an extreme statement1 of course1 but there is much truth in it4 99 99 99 99 99 ,one thing ,mrs4 ,newlyrich sometimes mistakenly permits is the correcting of her grammatical blunders and her husband's by their better-educated children4 ,to allow this shows a wrong sense of proportion4 ,it is infinitely more important for a child to respect his parents and to show them respect than that the laws of ,lindley ,murray be observed4 ,sidenote3 ,,as ,,to ,,foreign ,,phrases ,seldom use a foreign phrase even if you have perfectly mastered its meaning and pronunciation4 ,the 8well of ,english undefiled0 is usually sufficient for all needs4 ,people who constantly sprinkle their conversation and letters with 8dictionary0 ,french or ,latin lay themselves open to the charge of affectation4 ,certain foreign words once accorded their original pronunciation are now habitually ,anglicized4 ,one of the commonest of these is 8valet10 which is now spoken as if it were an ordinary ,english word4 ,engage no servant who patronizes you4 ,give your maids to understand at the outset that you are the head of the house1 and know perfectly well what you want each one to do1 and how your household is to be run4 ,be kind with all--familiar with none4 ,they are your severest critics4 ,never speak to them of your husband by his ,christian name4 ,your daughter should be 8,miss ,mary0 and your son 8,master ,john0 in this connection4 8,breakfast is on10 8,luncheon is ready10 8,dinner is served0 are the correct formulas that you should require at the announcement of a meal4 ,assert yourself with dignity1 never defiantly4 ,your servants have nothing to do with your past1 or with anything connected with your personal history beyond the present relation existing between you and them4 ,they will discuss and criticize you below-stairs and on 8evenings out10 and1 in the event of 8changing their place10 to the next mistress who will stoop to listen to them4 ,they would do the same were you a princess with a thousand-year-old pedigree4 ,stand in your lot and be philosophical4 ,you can not be too punctilious in not questioning them about how 8things0 were done in other houses in which they have been employed4 ,every such query will be construed into ignorance and diffidence4 ,be a law unto yourself and unto them4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,words ,,to ,,be ,,avoided ,learn to speak of your 8maid0 or 8maids10 not of your 8girl40 ,if you have two1 call one the cook and the other the housemaid4 8,girl0 is in itself a perfectly good word but it has1 like some other good words as 8genteel10 become debased by getting into indifferent company4 ,in referring to your family avoid the word 8folks0 which has been decreed inelegant4 ,substitute 8folk0 or 8people40 ,do not overwork the word 8lady10--never speak of a 8saleslady10 though this does not mean that any particular girl or woman serving behind a shop counter may not be a lady in every essential of the word4 ,train yourself in the nice distinctions that dictate when one shall say 8woman0 or 8lady10 when 8man0 and when 8gentleman40 ,the terms 8lady friend0 or 8gentleman friend0 are never to be used4 ,never say 8,excuse me60 ,leave that to the person who calls herself a 8saleslady40 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,social ,,awkwardness ,yet you must learn how the people live whom you would meet upon common ground as old to them as it is new to you4 ,you blush in confessing that you are bewildered as to the order in which the various forks are to be used that lie beside your plate at the few state dinners you attend4 ,entres are many1 and some appallingly unfamiliar4 ,you wonder mutely what these people would think of you if they knew that you were never 8taken in0 to dinner by a man until to-night1 and how narrowly you watch the hostess1 or the woman across the way before you dare advance upon the course set before you4 ,dreading awkward stiffness that would betray preoccupation1 you attract attention by a show of gaiety unlike your usual behavior and unsuited to time and place4 ,should you make a mistake--such as using a spoon instead of the ice-cream fork--you are abashed to misery4 ,don't apologize1 however gross the solecism6 ,in eighteen times out of twenty1 nobody has noticed the misadventure4 ,in twenty cases out of a score1 if it were observed you are the one person who would care a picayune about it1 or ever think of it again4 99 99 99 99 99 ,another cardinal principle is to learn to consider yourself as a minute fractional part of society4 ,when your name is bawled out by usher or footman at a large party1 it sounds like the trump of doom in your unaccustomed ears4 ,to your excited imagination all eyes are riveted upon you4 ,in point of fact1 you are of no more consequence to the eyes1 ears and minds of your fellow guests than the carpet that seems to rise to meet your uncertain feet4 ,stubborn conviction of your insignificance is the first step that counts in the acquisition of well-mannered composure among your fellows4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,making ,,acquaintances ,in forming new acquaintances1 be courteous in the reception of advances1 and slow in making them until you have reason to think that you are liked for yourself1 and not because your husband represents six1 or it may be seven numerals4 ,there are sure to be dozens of critics who will accuse you of parading these figures1 as vessels fly bunting in entering a strange harbor4 ,stamp on your mind that adventitious circumstance has nothing to do with the worth of ,,you1 ,,yourself6 99 99 99 99 99 ,for a long while after you embark upon your new life1 be watchful and studious--yet covertly1 lest your study be noted4 ,return calls promptly1 sending in the right number of cards1 and bearing yourself in conversation with gentle self-possession4 ,never be flattered by any attention into a flutter of pleasure4 ,above all1 do not be obsequious1 be the person who honors you by social notice a multi-millionaire1 or the ,chief ,magistrate of these ,united ,states4 ,servility is invariably vulgarity4 ,familiarity is1 if possible1 a half-degree more repulsive4 ,self-respect and a wholesome oblivion of dollars and cents are a catholicon amid the temptations of your novel sphere4 ,if you chance to entertain some one who is still as obscure as you were once yourself1 avoid all temptation to make a display or to be patronizing4 8,i am so glad you could come to-night10 effusively commented such a hostess to one of her guests4 8,i know you go out so seldom60 ,the guest in question showed by her silence that she did not relish being publicly reminded that she was of limited social opportunities4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,avoid ,,novelties ,when you begin to entertain in your turn avoid1 scrupulously1 startling effects and novelties of all kinds4 ,until you are used to the task1 be strictly conventional in arrangements for your guests' reception and pleasure4 ,let floral decorations and 8souvenirs0 be modest and tasteful4 ,mantels banked with orchids1 boutonnires of hothouse roses at a dollar apiece1 and cases of expensive jewelry as favors1 may express a generous hospitality on your part and a desire to gratify the acquaintances you would convert into friends4 ,they will surely be set down to ostentatious display of means that few of the guests possess4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,help ,,from ,,books ,there are manuals of etiquette which will keep you from open solecisms in social usages4 ,follow their rules obediently1 curbing all disposition to originality--for a while1 at least4 ,if possible1 keep the greedy society reporter at a distance1 without angering her4 ,do not give away the list of those invited1 much less the menu4 ,as ,dick ,fanshawe's eulogist said of men who 8jump upon their mothers10--8,some does1 you know60 ,some even send in to the newspapers unsolicited descriptions of their entertainments with lists of guests1 to the amusement of the editorial office4 ,these mistakes give occasion to the aforementioned cartoonists and joke-venders to deride the name of hospitality dispensed by the ,newlyrich clan4 ,let the aforesaid manual of etiquette be followed with obedience1 but not with servile and unthinking obedience4 ,unfortunately1 it is true that the person unaccustomed to precise social regulations and to a formal manner of living1 is inclined to consider the rules governing such life as arbitrary1 inexplicable and mysterious4 ,if the uninitiated woman will disabuse herself of this idea1 she has taken a long step in the right direction4 ,once you accept the fact that there is reason behind the forms employed by society1 it will not be long before you will be searching for the reason itself4 ,the laws governing the conventional world will then acquire for you a meaning that will make adherence to them simple and natural1 instead of stiff and mechanical4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,learn ,,to ,,discriminate ,the matter of discriminating properly in questions of taste is a thing much more difficult to learn than the set and definite rules governing definite exigencies of social life4 ,yet taste1--taste in clothes1 taste in the objects surrounding one1 taste in all matters with which expenditure is concerned1--this is a necessity in the attainment of any social position worthy of the name4 ,in this direction something may be gained by observation1 though not until the eye is sufficiently trained to make it a trustworthy guide4 ,the sense of beauty is somewhat a matter of cultivation1 and its application to every-day life is the result of experience and judgment4 ,do not imagine that a color is becoming to you merely because you happen to like it4 ,do not buy a chair or a couch simply because the one or the other may happen to please your fancy4 ,the color you wear1 the furniture you buy must have reference1 the one to your appearance1 the other to its surroundings4 ,sidenote3 ,,consulting ,,authorities ,when one is unversed in these matters it is best to submit problems to an authority4 ,it is wiser to allow a clever modiste to select the color1 style and material of one's gown than to do it one's self4 ,it is better to put the scheme of decoration for your house into the hands of some accomplished person1 educated to that end1 than to attempt it yourself4 ,in large cities persons competent in this matter of household decoration may easily be found1 people whose business it is to act as paid agents of the more beautiful and esthetic way4 ,many architects have in their employ persons who are capable of advising as to interior decoration and of superintending the work4 ,if one is resident in a small place1 the difficulty is obviated by the intelligent aid offered to the questioner through the columns of the better magazines devoted to esthetics as applied to every-day living4 ,the advice given in the best of these publications is conscientious1 careful1 expert advice4 99 99 99 99 99 ,one especial point in house-furnishing is worth noting4 ,do not crowd your beautiful ,oriental rugs together1 but leave a surface of polished floor about each4 ,rugs are floor pictures and should have frames as well as wall pictures do4 ,the effect of putting them close upon one another1 though seen in many houses otherwise well ordered1 is inartistic4 ,sidenote3 ,,as ,,to ,,lion-,,hunting ,mrs4 ,newlyrich is frequently criticized for her frequent fondness for lion-hunting4 ,this is not always fair4 ,if she hunt because of the glory she hopes to heap on herself1 she deserves ridicule1 but if she do it in the spirit of genuine appreciation and a desire to give rare pleasure to her friends she performs a real service to art and to society and merits praise for her courage and kindness1 not censure4 99 99 99 99 99 ,if the woman who is now wealthy was once a trained nurse or a stenographer1 do not let her be ashamed of the fact now4 ,if she is frank and simple about the matter1 sensible people will respect her for having been honorably employed4 ,if she tries to hide the truth1 every one will despise her for it4 ,if she avoid the phrase--and the thought back of it--so often heard1 8getting into society10 and will remember that all gentle aspiring persons are already members of the best society1 she will be helped to steer her bark aright4 99 99 99 99 99 ,beware of any person who attempts to exploit you 8for revenue only40 ,on the other hand1 if you find some one who for reasons of sincere liking undertakes to show you the social ropes1 you will be fortunate4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,value ,,of ,,modesty ,i have said that it is not your fault that you were not born in the purple4 ,neither is it of your merit and to your honor that you now walk in silk attire1 and may freely gratify dreams you would once have considered wildly impossible4 ,a certain steadiness of attitude should be striven for4 ,don't be like a bell1 answering helplessly to every contact4 ,imitate in your manner that large nobility of ,horatio of whom ,hamlet said1 8,a man that fortune's buffets and rewards ,hast ta'en with equal thanks4 ,they are not a pipe for fortune's finger ,to sound what stop she please40 ,the best of all books enjoins on the suddenly-exalted to be mindful of the pit from whence they were digged4 ,purse-pride is contemptible in its meanness and folly4 ,you are safe from ridicule if you keep this fact in mind4 ,set up 8me0 and 8mine0 in 8pearl0 type1 and not in capitals4 ,a final injunction3 do not assume knowledge of what you are really ignorant4 ,to do this is to lay traps for yourself and to multiply embarrassments4 ,try to forestall the situation by private questioning2 if you can not do this say frankly that you do not know4 ,,chapter ,,xxx ,,delicate ,,points ,,for ,,our ,,girl ,,this chapter is1 perhaps1 rather a ,familiar ,talk with ,our ,girl on the proprieties--which she may not recognize as such--than the emphasizing of various points of etiquette4 ,but the violation of the essentials of self-respect is so common that a book of this character should have a chapter devoted to a bit of plain speaking to the young woman of to-day4 ,we may call her actions1 under certain circumstances1 a violation of the proprieties1 or of etiquette1 or of conventionality4 ,or1 perhaps1 it is a sin against all three4 ,we are accustomed to seeing the sign 8,hands off60 hung upon dainty fabrics1--pure spotless materials that would be injured and stained by the touching of a gloved or bare hand4 ,people who admire the pure beauty of the article thus marked do not resent the sign4 ,they see the wisdom of it and are willing to obey the mandate4 ,for a fabric once soiled never looks the same again4 ,all the chemicals in the country can not give it the peculiar pristine freshness that was once its chief beauty4 ,to those who appreciate the beauty of youth1 its pure freshness1 the thought of its being touched by indiscriminate hands is abhorrent4 ,sidenote3 ,,keeping ,a ,,man',s ,,respect ,we have1 happily1 passed the ,lydia ,languish age1 the day in which the young girl was a fragile creature1 given to fainting and hysterics1 clothed in innocence that was ignorance1 good because she was afraid to be naughty1 or because she was so hedged in by conventionalities that she did not have the opportunity to stray near the outer edge of the pasture bars4 ,in her place we have a healthy1 fearless1 clear-eyed young person1 looking life and its possibilities square in the face1 good because she knows from observation or hearsay what evil is1 and abhors it because it is evil4 ,she is a sister1 a chum1 a jolly companion to the boy or man with whom she associates4 ,she rides1 walks1 golfs or dances with him4 ,she may do1 and she does1 all these things1 and she still keeps his respect4 ,thus far we go1 and then creeps in the sinister question3 ,does she always do this8 ,the answer comes promptly3 ,it is her own fault if she loses any man's respect4 ,to those of us who have outstepped girlhood1 who have begun to live deeply these lives of ours that are full of potentialities for good or evil1 there comes a keen insight1 and1 with that insight1 our outer sight becomes more clear2 and1 sometimes1 in looking at young people1 we find our hearts1 and almost our lips1 crying out1 8,,don',t60 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,bloom ,,of ,,the ,,peach ,we would not be--we are not--prudes1 but the bloom of the peach is beautiful1 and once rubbed off it can not be replaced4 ,the snow-white fabric is too fair to be carelessly handled4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,responsibility ,,of ,,girls ,last winter ,i sat in a train-seat behind a girl of eighteen and a young man a few years her senior4 ,she was pretty and bright4 ,she chatted gaily with her companion1 who1 after a few minutes1 threw his arm over the back of her seat4 ,to the initiated1 it was evidently done as a trial as to whether that kind of thing would be allowed4 ,the girl1 intent on the conversation1 appeared not to notice the action4 ,in a few moments the hand resting against the girl's shoulder was laid over the shoulder4 ,the owner flushed1 made some laughing protest1 but evidently administered no rebuke1 as the offending member continued to rest where it was1 then gradually crept up toward her neck2 finally1 at some teasing remark of hers1 it tweaked her ear4 ,had the child been older1 the look in the man's eyes1 as he watched the fluctuations of color in her pretty face1 would have warned her that she was playing with fire2 that his respect for her would have been greater had she shown in the beginning that the sign1 8,hands off60 was on her person1 although invisible to the vulgar eye4 ,this is but one of the many instances of the free-and-easy actions on the part of men1 permitted by well-meaning girls4 ,in nine hundred and ninety-nine cases out of a thousand a man will not take a liberty with a girl unless she allows it4 ,sidenote3 ,,is ,,bernard ,,shaw ,,right8 ,i wish girls would bear this fact in mind6 ,men are what they make them1 what they allow them to be4 ,when a young fellow told a man in my presence last week that such and such a girl was a 8jolly sort10 and1 while out driving1 had stopped at a roadhouse with him1 gone into the parlor of the house and taken a glass of ginger ale while he had one of whisky1 ,i was not surprised that the man of the world to whom he imparted this fact1 remarked1 8,crookd1 eh80 ,that the young fellow 7who1 had he been older or less easily flattered1 would not have related the occurrence7 flushed and laughingly denied the allegation--did not alter the fact that the conclusion drawn was inevitable4 ,the young girl may not1 probably did not1 deserve the stricture passed on her1 but by her free-and-easy behavior she lost something she never can regain4 ,men may pay attention to girls who ignore the conventionalities1 who allow them doubtful liberties1 but they like them because they are what they term 8fun40 ,such girls are not those for whom men live1 for whom they sacrifice bad habits1 for whom they look in seeking a wife1 and for whom they would bravely give up life if necessary4 ,the true love of a good man is worth winning4 ,it is not won by the girl who lowers herself in a man's eyes4 ,to her might apply the time-worn toast of man to 8,the ,new ,woman1--once our superior1 now our equal40 99 99 99 99 99 ,another point to which ,i would draw the attention of our girl is that the man should make the advances1 should do the seeking and the courting4 ,to this she would reply1 8,why1 of course6 ,all girls know that40 ,they may know it theoretically1 but does every girl live up to that knowledge8 ,does she always wait to be sought1 to be won1 without taking a hand herself at assisting destiny8 ,i think observation will not prove that she does4 ,in this very free-and-easy age1 when men are too busy seeking the elusive mighty dollar to be over-eager to show marked attention to girls1 it is often the young woman who pays heed to some of the preliminaries of the courting period4 ,it is frequently she who suggests to a man1 after meeting him several times1 that she would be glad to have him call4 ,it is she who1 when he is going on a journey1 asks him if he will not write to her4 ,it is she who asks him for his picture and1 on occasion1 offers him one of hers4 ,sidenote3 ,,keeping ,,one',s ,,self-,,respect ,it is1 and it has been through centuries1 the place of the man to take the initiative in such matters4 ,if he wants to call on a girl1 let him1 as a rule1 have the courage to ask her if he may do so2 if he wishes to correspond with her1 he should ask her permission to write to her4 ,and if he does none of these things of his own volition1 they may go undone4 ,the girl who1 through love of admiration1 or the desire for men's attention1 takes these initial steps1 loses her self-respect1 and1 unless the man in question be an exceptional instance1 awakens in his breast a sensation of amused interest4 ,he is flattered1 and a bit contemptuous4 ,as time goes on and he likes the girl more and more1 that feeling may be forgot1 but it is always lying there dormant1 and may arise sometime just when the young woman would most wish for respect and love4 ,men prize that which they have had difficulty in winning4 ,the apple that drops1 over-ripe1 at one's feet is never quite so tempting as that which hangs just beyond reach4 99 99 99 99 99 ,it is well for the matter of sex to be put out of mind in many of the dealings between young men and young women1 but in the question of loverly attentions it can not be ignored4 ,and in this matter it is the man1 and the man only1 who should make advances4 ,it is better for her peace of mind that a girl should never have the marked attention of any man1 than that she should forget her maidenly dignity in order to acquire it4 ,such acquisition is certainly not worth the price paid for it4 ,a man must look up to that which he loves4 ,and a hard-and-fast rule is the slangy one that declares that one does not run after a car when he has already caught it1 or when it stands at the corner waiting for him1 and ready to start or stand at his will4 ,the girls for whom men find life worth living are those who are ideals as well as companions4 ,sidenote3 ,,hands ,,off ,dear girls1 be happy1 be merry1 have all the harmless fun that the good ,god1 who wishes you to be happy1 sends your way4 ,but for the sake of the man who may one day seek you and win you--for the sake of the womanhood that he would honor--let all men know that you are labeled--8,,hands ,,off60 and that you are not to be cheaply gained4 ,they will love you better1 respect and honor you more for that knowledge4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a serious mistake often made by girl students and working girls is taking the men who call on them to their rooms4 ,in most cases these rooms are fitted up with couches to look much like sitting-rooms1 but the men know they are not sitting-rooms1 and the girl who receives men thus suffers for it in name if not in fact4 ,it is a thing that a self-respecting girl can not afford to do1 even once4 ,if she expects to have men call on her1 she must choose a room in a house where she may occasionally have the use of a parlor4 ,the ruling may seem hard1 but there is no getting round it4 99 99 99 99 99 ,no young girl can afford to accept a luncheon or dinner invitation from a married man or1 indeed1 any attention whatsoever4 ,it does not matter that he may be an 8old friend of the family10--those who see her may not know this and1 even if they do1 may not acquit her of harm4 ,for similar seasons1 a girl employed as secretary in a man's office should take care that the relation between her and her employer is purely one of business4 ,sidenote3 ,,good ,,taste ,,in ,,jest ,sidenote3 ,,delicacy ,,in ,,conversation ,one of the unfailing tests of good breeding is what one laughs at4 ,without becoming priggish1 a girl should discriminate between what is a fit subject for jest and what is entitled to her reverence4 ,as a rule1 jests about birth1 death and marriage are to be avoided4 ,a special word of suggestion must be given in connection with the first of these subjects4 ,if you are to speak of a woman who is to become a mother1 say frankly that she is expecting or bearing a child4 ,the euphemisms employed in place of this plain phrase are unspeakably vulgar4 ,it is never vulgar to be frank if the person and the circumstances justify the introduction of the subject at all4 ,one must often wish for more of the old-fashioned reserve on intimate topics4 ,a critic of modern women said of them recently3 8,among themselves1 women lose more delicacy than any man could take from them40 ,when one listens aghast to the talk of some modern women1 one can but echo the statement4 ,akin to this unbecoming freedom of speech is the lack of consideration sometimes shown to an expectant mother by her friends4 ,comment in such instances one would suppose would be recognized as the height of indelicacy1 but thoughtlessly1 and in a spirit of jest1 remarks are made that cause a sensitive person to wince4 ,unless the mother-to-be confides her sacred expectations1 she has every right to have them treated with the respect of silence1 and only a vulgar-minded woman will intrude upon her4 ,,chapter ,,xxxi ,,our ,,own ,,and ,,other ,,people',s ,,children ,,constance ,,fenimore ,,woolson1 in one of her novels1 thus describes a discourtesy to which mothers of young children are much given3 8,talking with a mother when her children are in the room is the most trying thing conversationally2 she listens to you with one ear1 but the other is listening to ,johnnie2 right in the midst of something very pathetic you are telling her she will give a sudden1 perfectly irrelevant smile over her baby's last crow1 and your best story is hopelessly spoiled because she loses the point 7although she pretends she hasn't7 while she arranges the sashes of ,ethel and ,totsie40 ,there is a protest in the paragraph quoted that will find an answering groan in many a heart4 ,who of us does not wish that mothers of small children would adopt a few rules of ordinary politeness and courtesy1 and1 when talking to a guest1 give attention that is not shared and almost monopolized by the child who happens to be present8 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,small ,,boy ,parents make the mistake of thinking that their children must be as absorbingly interesting to all visitors and acquaintances as they are to those to whom they belong4 ,this is a vast mistake4 ,no matter how fond one may be of the young of his species1 one does enjoy a conversation into which they are not dragged1 and talks with more freedom if they are not present4 ,certainly it is far better for the child to learn to run off and amuse himself than to sit by1 listening to talk not meant for his ears4 ,those of us who were children many years ago were not allowed to make nuisances of ourselves to the extent that children of to-day do1 and surely we were happy4 ,in one home there is a small boy1 very good1 and very affectionate1 whose mother can not receive a caller without the presence of the ubiquitous infant4 ,he sits still1 his great eyes fixed upon the face of the caller1 and she feels ashamed for wishing that he would get out of the room4 ,occasionally he varies the monotony by saying1 8,mother1 don't you want to tell ,mrs4 ,blank about what ,i said the other day when ,i was hurt and did not cry80 ,or1 8,mother1 do you think ,mrs4 ,blank would like me to recite my new poem to her80 ,this may be annoying1 but it is still more pitiful4 ,to talk so much to a child and of him in the presence of others that he is a poseur at the early age of five1 is cruel to the little one himself4 ,we frown on the old adage which declared 8children should be seen and not heard10 but there are homes in which the guest wishes that they might be invisible as well as inaudible4 ,one mother defers constantly to her fourteen-year-old son1 and allows him to be present during all chats she has with her friends4 ,she says1 8,you do not mind ,will1 ,i am sure4 ,you may say what you like where he is1 for he is the soul of discretion1 and ,i talk freely with him40 ,but the visitor does not feel the same confidence in 8,will10 and certainly objects to expressing all her opinions with regard to people and things in his presence4 ,sidenote3 ,,other ,,people',s ,,children ,our own children are intensely interesting2 the children of other people are1 as a rule1 not6 ,let us1 once in a while1 put ourselves in the place of another person1 and think if we are willing to have that person's child always in the room when we would talk confidentially with her4 ,i think if we are frank we shall acknowledge that while we do not mind the presence of our own children1 we do talk more freely when other people's children are not present4 ,said a man not long ago3 8,mrs4 ,brown is a marvelous woman4 ,she is one of the most devoted mothers ,i know4 ,her children are with her a great part of the time4 ,yet1 whenever ,i call there1 alone or with a friend1 a signal from her empties the drawing-room or library of the entire flock of five infants1 and she is just as much interested in what her callers have to say as if she had no youngsters cruising about in the offing40 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,training ,,the ,,shy ,,child ,it is not to be supposed that children are never to be allowed to come into the drawing-room4 ,they should be trained to enter the room1 greet the guests politely and without embarrassment1 answer frankly and straightforwardly1 and to speak when spoken to4 ,then1 they should be silent unless drawn into the conversation4 ,the truest kindness is1 after a few moments1 to let the little ones run away and play with their toys or in the outdoor air4 ,the child who hangs his head shyly1 and refuses to speak politely to any one who addresses him1 should be taught the courtesy of friendliness4 ,from the cradle a baby may be taught to 8see people10 and1 as soon as he is old enough to return a greeting1 he must be trained to do so4 ,the only way to make small ladies and gentlemen of children is to teach1 first of all1 perfect obedience4 ,this is1 in this day1 an unpopular doctrine1 for there is prevalent a theory that the child must be allowed to exercise his individuality1--in other words1 to do as he pleases4 ,why the child should develop his individuality1 and the parents curb theirs1 may be matter for wonder to those not educated up to this twentieth-century standard of ethics4 ,if 8days should speak1 and multitude of years should teach wisdom10 the father and mother are better fitted to dictate to the child than the child to dictate to them4 ,and yet1 in the average home1 the last-mentioned form of government often prevails4 ,sidenote3 ,,firmness ,,in ,,control ,nothing is more unkind than to allow a child to do always as he pleases1 for1 as surely as he lives1 he must learn sooner or later to yield to authority and to exercise self-control4 ,the earlier the training begins1 the easier it will be4 ,the child creeping about the room soon knows that the gentle but firm 8,no60 when spoken by the mother means that he must not touch the bit of bric--brac within reach4 ,and even this lesson will stand him in good stead later on4 ,the basic principle of home government must be love enforced by firmness4 ,a punishment should seldom be threatened1 but if threatened1 must be given4 ,the time for threat and punishment is not in public4 ,in the parlor1 on the train or boat1 it is the height of ill-breeding to make a scene and to threaten a punishment of any kind4 ,were the child properly trained in private1 parents and beholders would be spared the humiliating spectacle that too often confronts them in visiting and traveling4 99 99 99 99 99 ,one word here as to the child on train or boat4 ,the person who is truly well-bred will not turn and frown on the mother of the tiny baby who1 suffering with colic1 or sore from traveling1 is wailing aloud4 ,of course the sound is annoying1 but it is harder on the poor mortified mother than on any one else4 ,i already hear the question1 8,why doesn't she keep the infant at home then80 ,frequently she can not do this4 ,the child may be ill1 and be on its way to seashore or mountains to gain health2 or the mother may be summoned to see some relative1 and can not go unless the baby goes too4 ,whatever the cause of her going1 the fact remains that she derives no pleasure from holding a screaming baby1 and her discomfort is turned into positive anguish by the disgusted looks of the women1 and the muttered imprecations of the men4 ,sidenote3 ,a ,,kindly ,,traveler ,i saw once under such circumstances a woman who was an honor to her sex4 ,opposite her in the train sat a young mother1 and in her arms was a fretful wailing baby4 ,it was evidently the first baby1 and the poor girlish mother was white and weary4 ,at every scream the baby gave she would start nervously1 change the little one's position1 look about at the passengers with an expression of pathetic apology1--all the time keeping up a crooning 8,sh-h-h60 that produced no effect on the crying atom of humanity4 ,and1 as is often the case1 the more nervous the mother became1 the more nervous did the baby grow1 and the louder did he scream4 ,an exclamation of impatience came from a woman seated behind the suffering twain1 and1 at the same moment1 a man in front threw down his paper with a slam and rushed out of the car and into the smoker4 ,then the woman who was an honor to her sex came across from the seat opposite1 and laid a gentle hand on the mother's shoulder1 smiling reassurance in the tear-filled eyes lifted to hers4 ,sidenote3 ,,true ,,courtesy 8,my dear10 said the soft voice1 8you are worn out1 and the baby knows it4 ,let me take him for a minute4 ,no1 don't protest6 ,i have had four of my own1 and they are all too big for me to hold in my arms now4 ,i just long to feel that baby against my shoulder6 ,give him to me6 ,there1 now6 you poor1 tired little mother1 put your head down on the back of the seat1 and rest60 ,she took the baby across the aisle1 laid him over her shoulder with his head against her cheek1 in the comforting way known to all baby-lovers1 and in three minutes the cries had subsided and the baby was asleep in the strong motherly arms1 where he lay until ,jersey ,city was reached4 ,and the tired little mother fell into a light slumber1 too1 comforted by the appreciation that she was not alone1 nor an intolerable nuisance to all her fellow passengers4 ,was not such an act as this woman's the perfection of true courtesy1 the courtesy that forgets itself in trying to make another comfortable8 ,sidenote3 ,,teaching ,,good ,,manners ,this same spirit spoken of by ,saint ,paul as 8in honor preferring one another0 can be inculcated in the children in our homes4 ,the small of the human species are1 like their elders1 naturally selfish1 and must be taught consideration for others4 ,it is the grafting that makes the rose what it is4 ,you may graft a ,jacqueminot or ,marchal ,neil upon the stump of the wild rose4 ,the grafting1 the pruning1 and the training are the work of the careful gardener4 ,the mother can never be idle1 for1 while the stock is there1 she does the grafting4 ,obedience must be taught in small things as well as in great4 ,the tiny child must be taught to remove his hat when he is spoken to1 to give his hand readily in greeting1 to say 8please0 and 8thank you02 not to pass in front of people1 or between them and the fire2 to say 8excuse me60 when he treads on his mother's foot or dress2 to rise when she enters the room2 and to take off his hat when he kisses her4 ,the mother who insists that her child do these things at home need not fear that he will forget her training when abroad4 ,,chapter ,,xxxii ,,our ,,neighbors ,,the fact that people live next door to you does not make them your neighbors in the higher and better sense of that word4 ,there may be nothing in their persons or characters to commend them to you1 or for that matter1 to commend you to them4 8,neighborhood0 in literal interpretation signifies nearness of vicinity4 ,you have the right to choose your associates and to elect your friends4 ,presuming on this truth1 dwellers in cities are prone to vaunt their ignorance of1 and indifference to1 those who live in the same street1 block and apartment-house with themselves4 ,if newly come to what is a kingdom by comparison with their former estate1 they make a point of seeking society elsewhere than among residents of their neighborhood4 8,let us be genteel or die60 says ,dickens of ,mrs4 ,fielding's struggles to eat dinner with gloves on4 8,let us be exclusive or cease to live60 says ,mrs4 ,upstart1 and refuses to learn the names of her neighbors on the right and left4 ,one of the hall-marks of the thoroughbred is his daily application of the maxim1 8,live and let live40 ,his social standing is so firm that a jostle1 or even a push from a vulgarian who chances to pass his way1 can not disturb him4 ,when the mongrel cur bayed at the moon1 8the moon kept on shining40 ,if he be a gentleman in heart as well as in blood and name1 he has a real interest in people who breathe the same air and tread the same street with himself--interest as far removed from vulgar curiosity in other people's concerns as the gentle courtesy of his demeanor is removed from the familiar bumptiousness of the forward and underbred4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,chance ,,salutations ,entering ourselves as learners in his school--and we could not study manners in a better--we recognize our neighbors as such4 ,if we live on the same block and meet habitually on the street1 a civil bow in passing1 a smile to a child1 in chance encounters in market or shop1 a word of salutation1 be it only a 8,good morning10 or 8,it is a fine day60 or1 after a few exchanges of this sort--8,i hope your family keeps well in this trying weather0--are tokens of good-will and appreciation of the fact that we are dwellers in the same world1 town and neighborhood4 ,sidenote3 ,,courteous ,,inquiries ,none of these minute courtesies which you owe to yourself and to your neighbor lays on you any obligation to call1 or to invite her to call on you4 ,failure to comprehend this social by-law often causes heart-burnings and downright resentment4 ,you may thus meet and greet a woman living near you every day for twenty years1 and if some stronger bond than the accident of proximity does not draw you together1 you may know nothing more of her than her name and address at the end of that time--perhaps the address alone4 ,unless1 indeed1 casualty in the way of fire1 personal injury or severe illness1 makes expedient--and to the humane such expediency is an obligation--further recognition of the tie of neighborhood4 ,in either of the cases indicated1 send to ask after the health of the sufferer1 and if you can be of service4 ,if there be a death in the house1 a civil inquiry to the same effect and a card of sympathy will 8commit0 you to nothing4 ,we are working now on the assumption that each of us has a sincere desire to brighten the pathway of others1 to make this hard business of daily living more tolerable4 ,of all the passive endurances of life1 strangerhood is one of the hardest to the sensitive spirit4 ,your neighbor's heart is lighter because you show that you are aware of her existence and1 in some sort1 recognize her identity4 ,she may not be your congener4 ,your bow and smile remind her that you are her fellow human being4 ,stranger ships meeting in mid-ocean do not wait to inspect credentials before exchanging salutes4 99 99 99 99 99 ,if your neighbor be an acquaintance whom you esteem1 do not let her be in doubt on this point4 ,sidenote3 ,,in ,,plantation ,,days ,in ante-bellum days at the ,south1 neighborhood was a powerful bond of sympathy4 ,miles meant less to them in this respect than so many squares mean to us now4 ,a system of wireless telegraphy connected plantations for an area of many miles4 ,joy or sorrow set the current in motion from one end to the other4 ,what ,i have called elsewhere being 8kitchenly-kind10 was comprehended in perfection in that bygone time4 ,when the house-mother sent a pot of preserves to her neighbor with her love1 and 8she would like to know how you all are to-day10 it was the outward and substantial sign of the inward grace of loving kindness1 and not an intimation that the recipient's preserve-closet was not so well-stocked as the giver's4 ,when opened hamper and unfolded napkin showed a quarter of lamb1 or a steak1 or a roll of home-made 8sausage meat10 enough neighborly love garnished the gift to make it beautiful4 ,out-of-fashion nowadays8 8',tis true3 'tis true 'tis pity2 ,and pity 'tis 'tis true40 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,best ,,people ,enough of the old-time spirit lives among our really 8best people0 to justify the 8kitchenly-kind0 in proffering gifts that presuppose personal liking and active desire to please a neighbor4 ,a cake compounded by yourself2 a plate of home-made rolls taken from your own table2 a dainty fancy dish of sweets of home-manufacture1 express more of the 8real thing0 than a box of confectionery or a basket of flowers put up by a florist4 ,it is the personal touch that glorifies the gift1 the consciousness that your neighbor thinks enough of you to give of her time and service for your pleasure4 ,the home-made offering partakes of her individuality1 and appeals to yours4 99 99 99 99 99 ,neighborliness does not1 of necessity1 imply familiarity of manner and speech that may become offensive1 or a continuous performance of visits1 calls and 8droppings-in0 that must inevitably become a bore1 however congenial may be the association4 ,those friendships last longest where certain decorous forms are always observed1 no matter how close the mutual affection may be4 ,mrs4 ,stowe1 in one of her ,new ,england stories1 describes the intercourse between two families as 8a sort of undress intimacy40 ,reading further1 we find that this dishabille companionship involves visits by way of the back door and at all sorts of unconventional hours4 ,sidenote3 ,,back-,,door ,,visiting ,such abandonment of the reserves that etiquette enjoins on every household is a dangerous experiment4 ,the back porch is for family use4 ,your next-door neighbor may not meddle therewith4 ,personally1 ,i do not want my own son1 or my married daughters1 to enter my house through the kitchen4 ,if you1 dear reader1 would retain your footing in the house of the friend best-loved by you1 come in by the front door1 and never without announcing your presence as any other visitor would4 ,steady persistence in this rule will avoid the chances of divers unpleasant possibilities4 ,your hostess--or her husband--or grown son--may be as much in dishabille as the intimacy which1 in your opinion1 warrants you in running in and up1 without knock or ring4 ,you may happen on a love-scene1 or a family quarrel1 or a girl may be in the hands of the treasure of a hair-dresser who shampoos her twice a month with pure water that looks like peroxide of hydrogen1 and 8restores0 the subject's dark brown tresses to the guileless flaxen of her forgotten babyhood2 or your clattering heels upon the stairway may break the touchy old grandmother's best afternoon nap4 ,there is but one place on earth where it is safe to make yourself 8perfectly at home10 and that is your own house--or apartment--or chamber4 ,,chapter ,,xxxiii ,,church ,,and ,,parish ,,theoretically1 the church is a pure democracy1 a mighty family4 ,there1 if anywhere1 the rich and the poor meet together on terms of absolute equality4 ,in that least poetical of pious jingles1-- 8,blest be the tie that binds10-- we declare that 8,the fellowship of kindred minds ,is like to that above40 ,these and other ,pietistic platitudes1 whether tame or tuneful1 are technical1 and so nearly meaningless as not to provoke debate4 ,every reasonable man and woman knows and does not affect to conceal his or her consciousness of the truth that social distinctions are not effaced by the enrolment of rich and poor1 educated and illiterate1 refined and boorish1 in impartial order upon the 8church books40 ,true religion does refine feeling and engender benevolence and charitable judgment of our fellows4 ,in doing this1 it creates a common ground of sympathy1 as of belief4 ,it elevates the moral and spiritual nature4 ,of itself1 it does not enrich the intellect1 or polish manners4 ,one may have a clean heart and dirty flesh-and-blood hands2 may be a sincere and earnest ,christian1 yet double his negatives1 shove his food into his mouth with his knife1 prefer the corner of a table-cloth to a napkin1 and be an alien in the matter of finger-bowls4 ,it is possible that two women may work together harmoniously in church and parish associations1 each esteeming the other's excellent qualities of heart and enjoying the fellowship of her 8kindred mind10 and yet that both should be intensely uncomfortable if forced into reciprocal social relations that have nothing to do with church or charity4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,reasonable ,,view ,these are plain facts no reasonable person will dispute4 ,in view of them the fact1 equally patent1 that the ,newlyrich clan sometimes resort to church connection as a lever to raise them to a higher social plane1 is one of the anomalies of human intercourse that may well stir the satirist to bitter ridicule and move compassionate beholders to wonder4 8,when they begin to feel their oats they go off to you60 laughed the keen-witted1 sweet-natured pastor of a down-town church to a brother clergyman whose flock worshiped in a finer building and a fashionable neighborhood4 8,the sheep with the golden fleece always finds a breach in our church-wall40 ,it takes him1 his ewe and his lambs1 a long time to learn that pew proximity does not bring about social sympathy4 ,it is not a week since ,i saw a girl1 a thoroughbred from crown to toe1 flush in surprise and draw herself up in unconscious hauteur1 when a flashily-dressed young person greeted her across the vestibule of a concert-room with 8,hello1 ,nellie6 didn't we have a bully time last night80 ,they had attended a ,sunday-school anniversary1 and1 as their classes were side by side1 had exchanged remarks in the intervals of recitations1 songs and addresses4 ,the parvenu's clothes were more costly than 8,nellie's20 her father was richer2 they were members of the same church6 ,to her vulgar mind these circumstances gave her the right to take a liberty with a slight acquaintance such as no well-bred person would have dreamed of assuming4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,your ,,pew ,,neighbor ,first1 then1 ,i place among the maxims of church and parish etiquette3 ,do not imagine that your next-pew neighbor must be your friend4 ,if she be a newcomer and a stranger in the congregation1 bow to her in meeting in lobby or in aisle cordially1 recognizing her as a fellow worshiper in a temple where all are welcome and equal4 ,if you can be of service to her in finding the place of hymn or psalm1 should she be at a loss1 perform the neighborly service tactfully and graciously1--always because you are in the ,house of the ,all-,father1 and are ,his children1--not that you seek to court a mortal's favor for any ulterior purpose4 ,in meeting her on the street1 let your salutation be ready and pleasant1 but not familiar4 ,don't 8,hello1 ,nellie60 her1 then or ever1 while bearing in mind that non-recognition of one you know to be a regular attendant at the same church with yourself1 yet a comparative stranger there1 is unkind and un-,christian4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,stranger ,,in ,,church ,the case is different if you are the stranger4 ,friendly advances should come from the other side4 ,if they are not made1 there is nothing for you to do but to content yourself with the recollection that you go to church to worship ,god1 not to make acquaintances4 ,never depend on your church-connection for society4 ,if you find congenial associates there1 rejoice in the happy circumstance and make the most of it4 ,if you do not1 do not rail at the congregation as 8stiff and stuck up10 at the church as a hollow sham1 and the pastor as an unfaithful shepherd4 ,the expectation on the part of some people that he should neglect the weightier matters of the law and the gospel1 and prostitute his holy office by becoming a social pudding-stick for incorporating into 8a jolly crowd0 the divers elements of those to whom he is called to minister1 disgraces humanity and civilization--not to say ,christianity4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,pew ,,hospitality ,pew hospitality has fallen into disuse to a great extent of late years1 principally on account of the usher-service4 ,the tendency of this partial desuetude is to make pew owners utterly careless of their obligation to entertain strangers4 ,regard for the best interests of your particular church-organization should suggest to you as a duty that you notify the usher in your aisle of your willingness to receive strangers into your pews whenever the one or two vacant seats there may be needed4 ,if your family fills them all every ,sunday1 you can not exercise the grace of hospitality4 ,when one or two1 or three1 are to be absent from either service1 however1 take the trouble to apprise the oft-sorely-perplexed official of the fact1 and give him leave to bring to your door any one he has to seat4 ,when the stranger appears1 let him see at once that you esteem his coming a pleasure4 ,give him a good seat1 a book and a welcome generally4 ,by this behavior you commend to his favor your church1 human nature and the cause dearest to your heart4 ,if you are the visiting worshiper1 and it is evident that the other occupants of the pew are the owners thereof1 make courteous and grateful acknowledgment at the close of the service1 of the hospitality you have received4 ,i hope the return you get will not be the cold supercilious stare one true gentlewoman had from the holder of a pew in the middle aisle of a fashionable church in ,new ,york4 ,the guest put into ,mrs4 ,haut ,ton's pew thanked the latter simply and gracefully for the opportunity given her of hearing an admirable sermon4 8,who are you that dare address me60 said the silent stare4 8,it is bad enough to have my pew invaded by an unvouched-for stranger without being subjected to the impertinence of speech60 ,the last place upon ,god's earth where incivility and the arrogance of self-conceit are admissible is ,his house4 8,be pitiful10 writes the apostle who learned his code of manners from ,one who has been not irreverently called 8the truest gentleman who ever lived40 8,be pitiful2 be courteous60 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,pastor',s ,,family ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,pastor',s ,,call ,the relations of parishioner and the pastor's family are often strained hard by the popular misconception of the social obligations existing--or that should exist--between them4 ,in no 8call0 that ,i ever heard of is the clergyman enjoined to cater to the whims and vanities of exacting members by visits that are not demanded by spiritual or temporal needs1 and which minister to nothing but the aforesaid jealous vanity4 ,send for a clergyman when his priestly offices are required4 ,for the rest of his precious time let him come as he likes1 and go whither he considers his duty calls him4 ,he was a man before he took orders1 and the man has social rights4 ,let him 8neighbor10 as old-fashioned folk used to say1 with his kind4 ,the aforesaid 8call0 makes no mention of his family4 ,if you like to call on them when they come to the parish1 and if you find them congenial--your congeners1 in fact--keep up the association as you would with your doctor's1 or your lawyer's family4 ,that you belong to ,doctor ,barnabas' parish1 that you are the wife or daughter of an officer in his church1 gives you absolutely no claim on his wife or daughters beyond what you1 individually1 possess4 ,to demand that ,mrs4 ,barnabas1 refined in every instinct1 highly educated and with tastes for what is best and highest in social companionship1 should be bullied and patronized by ,mrs4 ,million1 a purse-proud vulgarian1 unlearned and stupid1 is sheer barbarity4 ,yet we see it--and worse--in many ,american churches4 ,sidenote3 ,a ,,false ,,assumption ,do you1 sensible and amenable reader1 lead the way to better things2 loosen at least one buckle of the harness that bows many a fine spirit to breaking1 and makes the church a smoke in the nostrils of unprejudiced outsiders4 ,separate ecclesiastical from social relations4 ,owe your right to call a fellow parishioner 8friend10 and to visit at manse or parsonage1 or rectory1 to what you are--not to the adventitious circumstance of being a member in good standing in a fashionable1 or an unfashionable1 church4 ,exact no consideration from those who belong with you to the household of faith on the ground of that spiritual 8fellowship40 ,the position is false2 the claim ignoble4 99 99 99 99 99 ,no matter what church one is in1 one should always try to conform as far as possible to its order of worship4 ,not to do this shows a want of proper reverence4 ,,chapter ,,xxxiv ,,the ,,woman',s ,,club ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,tolerant ,,attitude ,,the popularity of women's societies for literary study1 for economic discussion1 for the consideration of municipal and social improvement1 is enormous4 ,they are to be found all over the country1 but particularly do they flourish in the ,middle ,west1 where every town and hamlet in the region boasts a woman's club of some sort4 ,both ridicule and praise are showered upon these organizations2 and they deserve both4 ,some of their manifestations are crude1 absurd and tiresome2 others are fine in themselves1 exert a broadening influence over those intimately concerned1 and are helpful indirectly to the whole community represented by them4 ,however much particular societies may lay themselves open to adverse criticism by reason of priggishness1 superficiality or a mistaken sense of their importance in the scheme of things1 it must be acknowledged that the general tendency of these organizations is good4 ,they lift women out of the consideration of the commonplace1 domestic side of existence2 they encourage toleration and a give-and-take attitude toward life1 in which attitude women are often lacking2 they open a way for the development of latent talent of various kinds2 they are often stepping stones to improvement in the social life of a community4 ,it would be hard to estimate how much they have done in creating an atmosphere for the truly artistic and literary element in various communities throughout the ,united ,states4 ,no doubt they have in this way encouraged the production of literature and other forms of art2 while1 in humbler fashion1 they have brought pleasure and an outlook into many narrow circumscribed lives4 ,an ,english woman1 visiting in a western city of our country1 was asked what one of our institutions she admired the most4 8,the ,woman's ,club10 she replied without hesitation1 and added that she would like to transplant it to her native land where1 it was true1 there were associations of women banded together for various purposes1 but none in which women met in such easy and happy intellectual relations as in the women's clubs of ,america4 ,such praise from an unprejudiced observer of our country consoles the woman who believes in the mission of the woman's club despite many an ugly newspaper fling4 ,the ,english woman in question was fortunate in attending a club of particular interest and value where1 to a degree1 the ideal of what a woman's club should be was realized4 ,such a club indicates the possibilities of the institution1 however2 and many organizations of women are working with crude material through absurd phases toward accomplishment as happy4 ,in small communities where the opportunities are infrequent for theater1 for social diversion of various kinds1 the woman's club is of the greatest help4 ,it serves at once to focus and distribute all the better social and intellectual interests of the neighborhood4 ,it may be a means of lifting a whole community to a livelier and more interesting social and intellectual level4 ,sidenote3 ,,helping ,,in ,,legislation ,many women's clubs become important factors in municipal legislation along the lines most amenable to feminine influence4 ,through such clubs women have helped to solve educational questions1 have influenced public sentiment in the direction of cleaning and beautifying the streets1 and in many other ways have helped to promote law and order4 ,the literary club is1 however1 the form most often taken by feminine organizations4 ,the formation of a literary club is not a difficult matter1 though the amount of red tape with which it is sometimes covered up makes the project seem formidable4 ,the woman most interested in the organization of such a club should call a meeting at her house of those she thinks most likely to enter into the scheme with energy and profit4 ,a perusal of ,robert's ,rules of ,order or of any other good manual of parliamentary law1 will show how such a meeting should be conducted1 how officers should be elected and a constitution adopted4 ,it may be said in this connection that there are few matters harder for a woman to digest gracefully than a knowledge of parliamentary usages4 ,such knowledge is for use only1 not for display4 ,to make a show of it is like using a kitchen utensil for a drawing-room ornament4 ,many women seem to regard the rules governing societies as important in themselves4 ,they are only important as the knowledge and use of them quickens the business proceedings leading up to the real purpose of the organization4 ,business in a woman's club1 founded for study and improvement1 is only a means to an end4 ,it is disastrous to consider it otherwise4 ,sidenote3 ,,making ,,out ,,the ,,program ,the membership having been decided upon1 the officers selected and constitution adopted1 the next and most important thing in a literary club is to make out the program4 ,for this purpose an executive committee of three or more is appointed by the president or elected by the club4 ,sometimes this committee makes out the entire program1 merely notifying each member of the part she is expected to take in its performance4 ,sometimes the members are consulted as to what subjects they prefer4 ,the more arbitrary method is often necessary in order to procure unity of design in the program4 ,if1 for instance1 the program for the day includes two papers and a discussion following1 the subjects considered should be related1 so as to make some sort of harmony4 ,if each member is allowed to choose her subject1 regardless of anything but her own desire1 small pleasure or profit follows4 ,in some clubs the executive committee sends out cards to the members1 asking for suggestions1 accepts the best of these1 and1 when possible1 assigns the topics preferred4 ,sidenote3 ,,assigning ,,the ,,topics ,if the first mentioned and more arbitrary method is followed1 the committee should be careful to select subjects according to the persons for whom they are designed4 ,mrs4 ,brown1 who loves poetry1 but knows nothing of science1 should not be asked to handle the wonders of electricity in the twentieth century2 and ,mrs4 ,white1 who has a delicious touch in narrating personal experiences1 but knows little of continental fiction1 would better be asked to write a paper on her summer vacation than one on the great ,russian novelists1 ,turgenieff and ,tolstoi4 ,of course1 the practise for ,mrs4 ,brown and ,mrs4 ,white1 in considering subjects opposed to their knowledge and taste1 might be salutary for them1 but it might also send the other members of the club to sleep4 ,and the ambition of the executive committee should be to avoid as much dulness as possible in the atmosphere it partly creates4 ,whether the program shall be miscellaneous in character1 or shall be devoted to progressive study in one direction1 is a question to be considered by the committee4 ,if the club is small1 compact in spirit1 and on improvement bent1 the study of some one period1 author or movement is often most advantageous4 ,if the club is large1 and entertainment is largely the motive for meeting1 a program that varies to meet the various demands of the membership is better4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,club ,,session ,usually1 the number of papers on a given day should not exceed two4 ,sometimes1 owing to the light or easily divisible nature of the theme for the day1 three papers1 of fifteen or twenty minutes each1 may be assigned4 ,for the discussion that should follow the paper1 or papers1 it is the custom generally in women's clubs to appoint a leader4 ,the selection of leaders for conversation should be carefully made4 ,not every woman who writes a good paper talks well1 though it is possibly within her power to do so if she makes sufficient effort4 ,the leader of a conversation should be one who has been tried in general discussion and found successful4 ,upon the leader depends the guidance of the talk4 ,if it drifts into foolish and unprofitable channels1 it is her business to call it back to better issues1 yet to do so with what shall not seem a meddling or arbitrary touch4 ,the cultivation of the gift of speech is1 in the minds of many competent judges1 the best thing offered us by the woman's club4 ,only a skilled person should undertake leadership in a discussion1 but the floor of the club is a school where all may learn something of the art4 ,to learn to think quickly1 to express one's self standing and facing an audience1--this is an accomplishment worth having1 and one which many a club woman owes to years of progressive effort in a woman's club4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,admitting ,,new ,,members ,members should be taken into a club because they have qualifications which will add to the pleasure and profit of the membership at large4 ,one should not vote for or against a candidate for purely personal reasons4 ,many kind people1 who are yet ignorant of the proper law for limiting the membership of a club1 consider it an act of enmity to blackball a candidate for membership whether she be fitted for that membership or not4 ,this is a mistaken and a sentimental theory4 ,it is indeed disagreeable to blackball1 but it is sometimes necessary4 ,those who propose members for a club should feel the responsibility of such proposals and thus1 as far as lies within their power1 avoid for the membership1 or committee controlling this matter1 the unpleasant necessity of refusing or blackballing a candidate4 ,sidenote3 ,,addressing ,,the ,,president ,the new member should be received with courtesy by the older members of the club4 ,her sponsors or guarantors should see to it that proper introductions1 if introductions be necessary1 are made4 ,for several months1 at least1 after her admission to the club1 the new member's part should be a negative rather than a positive one4 ,it is an unwritten law in the ,united ,states ,senate that the new senator does not speak on any matter of importance for a year after his election4 ,exactly so1 modesty demands that the new member in a woman's club1 unless specially requested1 keep silent till custom has established her place in the organization4 ,when the proper occasion arises for her to speak or to read1 she begins her performance as others do theirs1 by formally addressing the president and members of the club thus3 8,madam president and women of the club40 ,in many clubs1 where the membership is not large and the dues are small1 it is customary to meet from house to house4 ,this should always be considered only a provisional method4 ,it is much better to have a club home than to wander about from place to place4 ,papers and other properties accumulate in the life of a club1 and it is advisable to have some permanent place for the bestowal of them4 ,the sense of getting acquainted with a new place each time interferes with ease of manner and freedom of discussion1 while familiarity with one's surroundings begets both these happy qualities4 ,as soon as the funds warrant the expenditure1 a club should rent a convenient and acceptable place1 where its regular meetings can be held4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,club ,,breakfast ,once a year1 usually at the beginning of the president's term of office1 it is customary for the club to give some sort of entertainment for its members4 ,this may be a luncheon or breakfast1 a high tea or merely an afternoon reception1 where salad1 ices and coffee are served4 ,at this festivity1 after the menu has been served1 the retiring president bids good-by to her office and introduces her successor1 who acts as toast-mistress for the occasion4 ,the toasts should be few in number1 not more than five or six1 and the time occupied by each should be from five to seven minutes4 ,commonly1 the subjects for toasts should be of a lively pleasing nature1 and should be treated in a manner to correspond4 ,to take advantage of a festive occasion for the delivery of a lamentation or a sermon is in very bad taste4 ,it should be remembered by the speaker that she is expected to entertain and not to instruct4 ,sidenote3 ,,unwise ,,criticism ,the spirit of the members toward club performances should be kindly and genial1 if good work is to be expected4 ,nothing can be done in the face of ill-natured criticism4 ,the standard of work can only be raised by each member doing her best1 and keeping an open mind for the performances of her acquaintances4 ,frequently a special advantage in hearing club papers lies in one's acquaintance with the writer1 which makes it possible for one to interpret much more richly than would be possible in the printed page of a personally unknown author4 ,this is the 8unearned increment0 of club membership1 one of the best returns for its fellowship2 and1 in order to get the most out of one's connection with a literary club where1 in the nature of things1 one can not be expecting literary masterpieces1 one must be on the lookout for this personal quality which adds so largely to the written and spoken words heard there4 ,,chapter ,,xxxv ,,charities1 ,,public ,,and ,,private ,,charity begins at home1 but it is a great mistake to suppose that it should end there4 ,indeed1 in the last analysis1 to do for one's own family is not charity1 but a form of selfishness4 ,the truly generous spirit can not resist the call to help the poor and needy1 the outcast and degraded4 ,one's relation to charity should not be accidental1 but should form a part of the plan of one's life4 ,it is not very creditable to give to a good cause only because one is besieged to do so1 or because one is ashamed to say 8no40 ,when the young married couple sit down together for their first discussion of finance1 of how much they shall spend for house1 for clothes1 how much for food1 how much for amusement and so on1 this question of what shall be done for those poorer than themselves should have a place4 ,no matter how small the sum possible1 something should be given to philanthropic work4 ,the woman of the family is very often1 directly or indirectly1 the dispenser of the money devoted to charity4 ,she is the one who decides into what channels it shall go4 ,she has the time for investigating the needs of societies and of individuals4 ,the work1 too1 that accompanies gifts of charity more often falls to her lot than to a man4 ,this is a department of service properly belonging to her4 ,she has natural rights in this section of the world's work1 of which she should be proud4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,two ,,kinds ,,of ,,charities ,charities1 broadly1 are of two kinds1 public and private2 and activity in one should not preclude activity in the other4 ,the ideal administration of charity would consist in every person comfortably established1 having among his real friends several poor persons or poor families from whom he himself received a broadening knowledge of life1 as well as to whom he gave of physical necessities4 ,in the absence of this ideal situation1 he must avail himself of the best means open to him4 ,he must take advantage of the splendid organization of modern charities1 but he must not forget also to be on the lookout for individual cases of need that are not likely to appear before the board of any philanthropic organization4 ,sidenote3 ,,building ,,up ,,character ,we hear it from the pulpit and the platform continually1 yet not too often1 that organized charitable work is one of the finest achievements of our present civilization4 ,narrow-minded people sometimes say that our grandmothers got along very well without it1 and did as much good as the women of the present day4 ,they got on without it only because they did not have such complex conditions to cope with4 ,it is not possible1 no matter how good the intentions of the individuals concerned1 that as valuable work can be done without modern methods as with them4 ,in these days1 each charity of a city or town attempts to cover one field1 and to cover it as thoroughly and from as many different points of view as possible4 ,wherever possible1 the aim of such organizations is to help people to help themselves4 ,the idea is not only to tide the beneficiaries over temporary difficulties1 but to aid them in building up character by means of self-respecting effort4 ,membership in such organizations brings opportunity for action and knowledge also of the bearings of one's action4 ,it makes charity something more than a matter of sentimental impulse4 ,the opportunity to do good offered by these societies is not only an opportunity to help the poor1 but to help one's self1 and even in other ways than the one generally acknowledged of broadening one's sympathies and cultivating one's heart4 ,the gain a woman derives in discipline from working in concert with other women is of inestimable value4 ,this discipline is sometimes accompanied by vexations1 as discipline commonly is1 but1 taken in the right spirit1 it is broadening4 99 99 99 99 99 ,charitable societies are often made up largely of women whose ideas of business are chaotic1 whose capacity for speech is not at all equal to their capacity for work4 ,the time spent by such people in idle discussion at business meetings is wearing1 but it is not altogether unprofitable4 ,the better trained women must do what they can to improve the situation4 ,when they can not improve it1 they must grin and bear it4 ,even with the drawbacks named1 organization pays4 ,the experience of many is a richer thing than the experience of one2 and1 when it comes to action1 concerted action is a more powerful thing than single and individual effort4 ,sidenote3 ,,selection ,,of ,,charities ,one can not help all the causes one would like to help1 or belong to the organizations that represent them4 ,one should select that charity which appeals to one most or where one feels one can do the most good1 and one should make attendance upon its meetings and the other work of the society a part of one's regular duties4 ,the sorrows of one's life often suggest the charity one cares most to aid4 ,women who have lost little ones feel a drawing of the heart toward the society that helps children4 ,women who have seen much of pain and suffering in their own families wish to join a society that makes the burden of the sick poor as light as possible4 ,those who have seen sympathetically the loneliness and bitterness possible to old age1 wish to help the aged poor4 ,and the determining personal experience makes the work of charity so much richer and more effectual4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,social ,,settlement ,one should not leave the subject of one's duty to organized philanthropy without a word concerning the work of the social settlement1 the greatest philanthropic movement of the day4 ,the idea at the bottom of settlement work1 the idea that the rich or the comfortably situated must live with the poor1 must know their lives by direct and continuous contact in order to exert any lasting influence for good1 is a noble idea in itself and one that is singularly attractive to ardent spirits4 ,unfortunately1 fashion and the novelty of the life involved in the experiment has made social settlement work attractive to many people for somewhat selfish reasons4 ,such people should be discouraged from going into it--first1 because they hurt the cause4 ,they do not know how to get on with poor people1 and often their ill-disguised curiosity amounts to insolence and hurts those whom it is intended the work should benefit4 ,the second reason is that these people who1 through excitement and love of novelty1 leave their homes for settlement work are often needed at home4 ,it is much the vogue just now for young women just out of college to do a year of social settlement work4 ,if they have what ,methodists name 8the call10 and have no more urgent and intimate duties behind them1 this is very well4 ,but if it means deserting home tasks because they are dull and unexciting1 it is well enough to think twice before the mother of the family is left to face all the disagreeable issues of home life4 ,this is one of those cases where charity at home is of more importance than charity abroad4 ,of social settlement work1 seriously and earnestly considered1 it is impossible to say too much in commendation4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,private ,,giving ,the philanthropic impulse of a generous heart is not satisfied with giving to organizations or working for them4 ,one must do in other and private ways in order to satisfy one's heart and conscience4 ,one should help many people through ties of service1 of love or of friendship4 ,in time of need1 one should remember those people who have lived as domestics in one's family1 or who have been connected in some humble capacity with the business of the head of the house4 ,these persons1 if they have been faithful to one's interests1 one helps with a personal enthusiasm that is1 of course1 lacking in the case of strangers4 ,faithful or unfaithful1 one knows something about them1 and can figure out easily what is the wisest as well as the most grateful manner of doing for them4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,poor ,,relation ,then there is the poor relation whom we have always with us and1 in the helping of whom1 all the tact of which one is possessed is not too much to use4 ,the very fact that he or she1 as the case may be1 must accept favors from one of the same blood and1 therefore1 in every sense but the financial1 of the same rank in life1 makes the graceful bestowal of the gift a matter that is hard to compass4 ,to pass on the gown one has laid aside so that there shall seem to be no condescension in the act2 to explain successfully that one sends money at ,christmas because one was uncertain what would be the proper gift to buy2 in fine1 to give with a broad sympathy that1 for the minute1 gives the donor an insight into the other's disappointments and vexations--this is what is needed in dealing with the poor relative4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,individual ,,help ,a flavor of even greater grace and delicacy must go into the gift offered by the rich friend to the poor one4 ,it is one of the privileges of the generous rich1 not only to feed the starving body but sometimes to feed the starving soul1 not only to provide bread and butter but to minister to a starved sense of beauty and of joy4 ,to give pictures and books to those who love them but can not buy1 to give a year at college to some nice young fellow whose parents can not do for him1 to give pretty trinkets to a pretty young girl who lives in a house where there is no money to spare for such things--these gifts of friendship are one of the greatest privileges of a large income4 ,though not counted commonly as charity1 they come under the head of charity in its biblical significance of love and sympathy4 ,,chapter ,,xxxvi ,,courtesy ,,from ,,the ,,young ,,to ,,the ,,old ,,the pessimist1 reading the heading of this chapter1 would be inclined to ask if one writes nowadays of a lost quantity4 ,while we do not consider the grace of courtesy as entirely lost1 we are at times tempted to think that it has 8gone before10 and so far before that it is lost sight of by the rising generation4 ,the days have passed when the hoary head was a crown of glory1 as the royal preacher declares4 ,it is certain that if it is a crown1 it is one before which the youth of the twentieth century do not always bow4 ,before we condemn the young unsparingly for their lack of reverence1 we must look at the other side of the question4 ,to-day there are few old people4 ,first1 there is youth4 ,that lasts almost until one is a grandparent2 then one is middle-aged4 ,no one is old1--at least few will acknowledge it4 ,the woman of forty-five is on 8the shady side of thirty10 she of sixty-five1 is 8on the down slope from fifty40 ,and1 even when the age is announced1 one is reminded that 8a woman is only as old as she feels40 ,there is sound common sense in all this4 ,can not we afford to snap our fingers at ,father ,time and his laws1 when the law within ourselves tells us that we are young in heart1 in feeling1 in aims8 ,so the principle that bids us shut our eyes at the figure on the mile-stone we are passing is a good one4 ,as long as we feel fresh still for the journey1 as long as every step is a pleasure1 what difference if the walk has been five miles long or fifteen8 ,we judge of the strain by the effect it has had on us4 ,if we feel unwearied and ready for miles and miles ahead of us1 who shall say that the walk has been ten miles long1 when we are conscious in our energetic limbs that it has only been two delightful miles8 ,sidenote3 ,,no ,,one ,,is ,,old ,,now ,the fact that no one is now old has its effect on the ,young ,person in our midst4 ,she hesitates to say to the matron1 8,take this seat1 please60 when she knows that in her soul the matron will resent the insinuation that she is on the downward grade4 ,not long ago ,i witnessed the chagrin of a woman of thirty-five who rose and gave her seat in a stage to a woman who was1 if one may judge by the false standard of appearances1 at least fifteen years her senior4 ,the elderly woman flushed indignantly3 8,pray keep your seat1 madam60 she commanded in stentorian tones4 8,i may be gray-headed1 but ,i am not old or decrepit60 ,i fancy that one reason gray hair is becoming fashionable is this desire to cling to youth4 ,every year more young women tell us that they are prematurely gray1 and their sister-women add eagerly1 8,so many women are1 nowadays60 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,importance ,,of ,,tact ,our ,young ,person must1 then1 be very careful how she displays the feeling of reverence for age which1 we would like to believe1 is inherent in every well-regulated nature4 ,she must exercise tact1 without which no person will have popularity4 ,sidenote3 ,,appreciating ,,one',s ,,elders ,one point in which ,young ,america displays lamentable vulgarity is in the habit of interrupting older people4 ,interruptions1 we of a former generation were taught1 are rude4 ,that is a forgotten fact in many so-called polite circles4 ,and when people do not interrupt they seem to be waiting for the person speaking to finish what he has to say in order to 8cut in0 7no other expression describes it fitly7 with some new and original remark4 ,that is1 apparently1 the only reason that one listens to others1--just for the sake of having some one to answer4 ,the world is full of things1 and getting fuller every day1 and unless one talks most of the time he will never be able to air his opinions on all points4 ,and every one's opinion is of priceless value1--at least to himself4 ,this seems to be the attitude of ,young ,america4 ,yet in courtesy to the hoary head one should occasionally pause long enough to allow the owner thereof to express an opinion4 ,although one has passed fifty1 one may1 nevertheless1 have sound judgment and ideas on some subjects that are worth consideration4 ,i wish young men and women would occasionally remember this4 ,the woman of sixty1 or over1 can really learn little of value from her granddaughter1--even when that granddaughter is a college graduate1 and has all the arrogance of twenty years4 ,of course1 grandmother may need enlightenment on college athletics1 on golf1 even1 perhaps1 on bridge1--although that is very doubtful1 if she lives in a fashionable neighborhood4 ,but1 after all1 these are not the greatest things of life4 ,she would1 perchance1 be glad to listen to her young relative's accounts of her sports if she would take the trouble to tell the happenings that interest her in a loving respectful spirit4 ,our elderly woman does not like to be patronized1 to be told that she dresses like an old fashion-plate1 and that she is1 to use the slang of the day1 a 8back number40 ,the grandmother knows better4 ,she has lived and she is sure that from her store of knowledge of life--of men1 women and things as they really are--she could bring forth treasures1 new and old1 that would be of great help to the hot-headed1 impulsive young girl about to risk all on the perilous journey that lies before her4 ,i would1 therefore1 suggest that ,our ,girl practise deference toward her elders4 ,at first she may not find it easy1 but it is worth cultivating4 ,it is1 moreover1 much more becoming than arrogance and aggressiveness1 too common nowadays4 ,there is something wrong when a person feels no respect for one who has attained to double or treble her years4 ,there is something lacking4 ,the collegians of both sexes would do well to turn their analytical minds on themselves1 and1 as improvement is the order of the day1 add to their fund of becoming attainments the sweet old-fashioned attribute of courtesy and reverence toward age4 ,sidenote3 ,,small ,,courtesies ,it is easy1 after all1 if one will watch carefully1 to do the little kind thing that makes for comfort1 and not do it aggressively4 ,it is not necessary to adjust a pillow at the elderly person's back as if she needed it4 ,i saw a sweet woman put a pillow behind an invalid with such tact that the sufferer1 who was acutely sensitive on the subject of her condition1 did not suspect that her hostess had her illness in mind4 8,my dear10 said this tactful woman1 8if you are #8built' as ,i am1 you must find that chair desperately uncomfortable without a cushion behind you6 ,i simply will not sit in it without this little bit of a pillow wedged in at the small of my back4 ,i find it so much more comfortable so1 that ,i am sure you will40 ,and the cushion was adjusted4 ,could even supersensitive and suspicious ,old ,age have resented such attention8 ,of course elderly people like to talk4 ,why should they not be allowed to do it8 ,the boy or girl listener is impatient of what he or she terms inwardly 8garrulousness40 ,is not the prattle of youth as trying to old people8 ,but1 to do them justice1 unless they are very crabbed1 they listen to it kindly4 ,unfortunately1 one seldom sees a young person rise and remain standing when an old person enters the room4 ,yet to loll back in a chair under such circumstances is one of the greatest rudenesses of which a girl or boy is capable4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,old ,,man ,sidenote3 ,,generosity ,,to ,,age ,right here1 may ,i put in a plea for the old man8 ,in the first place1 he is not so popular as the old woman4 ,she is often beloved2 he1 poor soul6 is too often endured4 ,in very truth he is not so lovable as his lady-wife4 ,he did not take the time while he was young to cultivate the little niceties of life as she did4 ,women have more regard for appearances than men have1 and their life is not spent so often in counting-room and office2 they are1 in their daily life1 surrounded by refined persons more than are their husbands2 they do not have to talk by the hour with rough men1 give orders to surly underlings1 eat at lunch counters1 and join in the morning and evening rush-for-life to get a seat in the crowded car or train where the law is 8,sauve qui peut60 or1 in brutal ,english 8,every man for himself0--no matter who--8for the hindmost60 ,all these things1 after years and years1 influence the man or woman4 ,it is inevitable4 ,it even affects the inner life4 ,the ,book of books tells us that though the outward man perish1 the inward man is renewed day by day4 ,sometimes the inward man is hardly worth renewing at the end of a life of such rush and mad haste after the elusive dollar that there has been no place for the gentle amenities of existence4 ,therefore1 as the man gets old1 his nature comes to the front1 and1 too often1 the courtesies that were pinned on him by a loving wife1 and kept polished up by her1 drop off and he does not want to bother to have them readjusted4 ,consequently1 he often has habits that are not pretty4 ,he is irascible2 he is intolerant with youth1 and1 now that he is laid aside1 he likes to tell of what he did when he was as active as the young men about him4 ,dear young people1 let him talk6 ,listen to him1 and remember that at your age he was just as agreeable as you4 ,consider1 too1 that if1 when you are old1 you would escape being the self-absorbed being you think him1 you would do well now to begin to avoid the selfishness and self-absorption that you find make the old man objectionable4 ,practise on him1 and he will in his old age still be doing a good work4 ,sidenote3 ,a ,,word ,,to ,,the ,,wise ,it is not pleasant to feel old1 to know that you are set aside in the minds of others as 8a has-been40 ,there are few more cruel lessons given to human beings to learn in this hard school we call life4 ,and this task has to be learned when strength and courage wane1 and the grasshopper is a burden4 ,if young people would only make it unnecessary for the older person to acquire it6 ,it lies with youth to make the declining years of those near the end of the journey a weary waiting for that end1 or a peaceful loitering on a road that shall be a foretaste of a ,land in which no one ever grows old4 ,,chapter ,,xxxvii ,,mistress ,,and ,,maid ,,they were not foreordained from all eternity to be sworn enemies4 ,could that fact be impressed on the mind of each1 there would be less friction between them4 ,where1 in this day and in this country1 is found the family servant who follows the fortunes of her employers through adversity and evil report1 asking only to be allowed to live among those who have shown her kindness1 who have taught her all she knows1 and who have been kinder to her than her own family have been8 ,she may exist in the imagination of the optimistic novelist1--but not in reality4 ,once in a great while such a servant1 well-advanced in life1 is found1--but she is a rara avis4 ,on the other hand1 it should be remembered that the burden of blame and of responsibility for improvement rest with the woman of larger opportunity4 ,if we heard considerably more of 8the mistress problem10 we should probably hear less of the servant one4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,both ,,must ,,help ,it is trite to say that in this country the servant matter is all askew4 ,we know that1 and it is incumbent on us to make the best of matters as we find them4 ,to do this both mistress and maid should be impressed with the fact expressed in the opening sentence of this chapter4 ,as matters now are1 the maid sees in the mistress a possible tyrant1 one who will exact the pound of flesh1 and1 if the owner thereof be not on her guard1 will insist on a few extra ounces thrown in for good measure4 ,the mistress sees in the suspicious girl a person who will1 if the chance be offered her1 turn against her employer1 will do the smallest amount of work possible for the highest wages she can demand2 break china1 smash glass1 shut her eyes to dirt in the corners1 and accept the first opportunity that offers itself to leave her present place and get one that demands fewer duties and larger pay4 99 99 99 99 99 ,one of the great mistakes of the mistress is that she lets the state of affairs greatly disturb her4 ,why should she8 ,the maid is not 8her own kind10 and the woman is wrong who judges the uneducated1 ill-reared hireling by the rules that govern the better-educated classes4 ,the servant and the employer have been reared in different worlds1 and to ignore this fact is folly4 ,how often do we see the mistress 8hurt0 because of ,norah's lack of consideration for her and her time1 and vexed because the servant fails to appreciate any kindness shown her8 ,let her accept the condition of affairs as what the slangy boy would call 8part of the game10 and not waste ,god-given nerve and energy in worrying over it4 ,if she gets reasonably good return in work for the wages she pays1 she should be content4 ,if a woman's maid does something wrong or omits a duty1 however important1 if guests are present the mistake should be remedied as quietly as possible and without reproof4 ,to rebuke a servant before others is a great unkindness to her and needlessly embarrasses the visitor4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,expect ,,the ,,best ,sidenote3 ,,always ,,be ,,considerate ,the mistress should not expect a friend and counselor in the maid4 ,once in a while1 one meets a servant who1 by some accident1 is capable of discerning the refinement of nature in her employer1 and of respecting it4 ,in this case1 she will care more for the employer for knowing that she is trusted4 ,it is a fact that1 by appealing to the best in human nature--be that nature ,american1 ,irish1 ,german or ,scandinavian--we elicit the best from our fellow creatures4 ,let the mistress1 then1 try to believe in the good intentions of her servant1 or1 if she can not really believe in them1 let her attempt to do so4 ,her attitude of mind will1 unconsciously to herself1 make itself felt upon her helper4 ,let her take it for granted that the 8new girl0 means to stay1 is honest1 trustworthy and anxious to please1 and let her talk to her as if all these things were foregone conclusions4 ,she may show by gentle manner and kindly consideration that ,norah or ,gretchen is a sister-woman1 not a machine4 ,if a washing or ironing happens to be heavy1 let her suggest a simple dessert of fruit1 instead of the pudding that had been planned4 ,and if the maid's heavy eyes and forced smile show that she is not well1 let the mistress1 for a brief moment1 put herself in the place of the hireling1 and think what she would want done for her under similar circumstances4 ,she will then suggest that some of the work that can be deferred be laid aside until the following day1 or offer to give a hand in making the beds or dusting the rooms4 8,but10 declares the systematic housewife1 8,i do not hire a servant1--and then do my housework60 ,no6 ,neither did you hire your maid-of-all-work to be a sick nurse1--but were you ill it would be she who would cook your meals1 carry up your tray and take care of you1 unless you were so ill as to need the services of a trained attendant4 ,bear this in mind1 and show the maid that you do bear it in mind4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,work ,,after ,,hours ,it is a more difficult matter to get the servant to look at the subject from this standpoint4 ,she has not been educated to regard things from both sides4 ,it is the custom of her cult to meet and1 in conclave assembled1 to compare the faults1 foibles and failings of their employers4 ,and when they do commend an employer for kind treatment it is1 as a rule1 only to make the lot of another servant look darker by contrast with the bright one depicted4 8,oh1 me dear60 exclaims ,bridget on entering ,norah's kitchen at eight-thirty in the evening and finding her still washing dishes4 8,and is this the hour that a poor hard-working girl is kept up to wash the dinner-things8 ,there are no such doin's in my kitchen1 ,i tell ye6 ,my lady knows that ,i ain't made of iron1 and she knows1 too1 that ,i would not put up with such an imposition60 ,the fact that ,norah's mistress has helped her all day with the work1 that she is herself the victim of unexpected company1 that she regrets as much as ,norah can that the unavoidable detention at the office of the master of the house has made dinner later than usual1 does not deter the suddenly-enlightened girl from feeling herself a martyr1 and the seed of hate and distrust is quick to bear fruit in an offensive manner and a sulky style of speech4 ,she does not pause to take into consideration that1 while she may just now be doing extra work1 she also receives daily extra kindnesses and consideration that were not agreed upon in the contract of her hire4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,two ,,ways ,,of ,,doing ,there are just two rules that make the relations of mistress and maid tolerable or pleasant4 ,one is that everything be put on a purely business basis--an arrangement hardly practical in domestic labor4 ,the other rule1 and the better1 is that a little practical ,christianity be brought into the relationship1--that the maid do her best1 cheerfully and willingly1 and that the mistress treat her in the same spirit1 giving her little pleasures when it is within her power to do so1 trying to smooth the rough places1 and to make crooked things straight4 ,then1 let each respect the other and make the best of the situation4 ,if it is intolerable1 it may be changed4 ,if not intolerable1 let each remember that there is no law1 human or divine1 that demands that the contract stand forever--and let each dissolve the partnership when she wishes to do so4 ,until this is done1 mistress and maid should keep silence as to the faults of the other1 trying to see rather the virtues than the failings of a sister-woman4 99 99 99 99 99 ,i wish that some word of mine with regard to this matter could sink into the mind of the mistress4 ,i fear that it will never be possible to train the maid not to talk of her mistress to her friends4 ,but the employer should be above discussing her servants with outsiders4 ,this is one of the most glaring faults of conversation1--one of the most flagrant breaches of conversational etiquette among women of refinement4 ,the hackneyed warning that the three ,d's to be banished from polite conversation are ,dress1 ,disease and ,domestics1 has not been heeded by the average housewife1 so far as the last ,d is concerned4 ,she will fill willing and unwilling ears with the account of her servants' impertinences1 of their faults1 of how they are leaving without giving warning1 and of how ungrateful all servants are1 until one would think that her own soul was not above that of the laundress1 chambermaid and cook1 whose failings she dissects in public4 ,such talk reminds one of the conversation with which ,bridget regales an admiring and indignant coterie4 ,with the uneducated hireling1 it may be pardonable2 in the case of the educated employer it is inexcusable4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the best-trained servants say 8,yes1 madam10 instead of 8,yes1 ma'am40 ,in ,england women as well as men servants are addressed by their surnames4 ,the custom does not commend itself to our ,american ideas4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,women ,,with ,,one ,,maid ,sidenote3 ,,caps ,,and ,,apron ,women who keep only one maid should1 if possible1 have the laundry work done out of the house4 ,only so can one be sure of a trim-looking servant to answer the door4 ,and the appearance of the person who admits us to a house is taken1 very justly1 as a criterion of the domestic standards of the house4 ,a popular novelist once divided the houses in a certain city into three classes3 those that had maids1 those that had maids without caps1 and those who had maids with caps4 ,a woman's social standing need not depend on her having a maid at all1--she may 8quite come to her own door10 as one snobbish woman puts it1 but if she keep a maid1 the maid should be properly dressed1 and the cap is as essential a part of her dress as her apron4 ,,chapter ,,xxxviii ,,the ,,woman ,,without ,a ,,maid ,,the thought of being without a maid strikes dismay to the heart of many a woman who can not be accused of laziness4 ,she thinks of the manual toil connected with housekeeping as composed of a round of degrading tasks1 and she can not imagine herself as performing these with dignity and attractiveness4 ,the ugliness connected with doing ,bridget's work is what repels1 and it must be confessed1 at the start1 that dust and dish-water are not agreeable things to contemplate1 though hemmed squares of clean cheese-cloth for the one and plenty of good soap in the other tend to reduce disagreeable qualities to a minimum4 ,one half1 at least1 of the prejudice many women1 not financially prosperous1 feel against 8doing their own work10 as the phrase curiously goes1 is the aversion to doing unbeautiful things4 ,the other half rises from the sense of dismay in attempting that in which one has had no practise1 for which one has had no previous preparation4 ,the tasks connected with housekeeping are many and various2 and if one is called to face them without experience or a system1 the result is apt to be pandemonium until the mistress-maid is broken in4 ,it is a pity1 however1 to approach the work with the idea that it is necessarily distasteful and disagreeable4 ,most women have some natural aptitude for domestic service4 ,when properly trained they like it1 or1 at least1 parts of it4 ,what they lack often is not aptitude but practise2 and1 instead of expecting to gain skill through practise1 as they would in other departments of work1 they expect it to come by inspiration4 ,housekeeping is a science and an art4 ,more even than this1 it is a business1 and needs1 exactly as the business of a man does1 time and patience for its conquest4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,dressing ,,for ,,work ,a sub-professor on a small salary in one of our best eastern educational institutions married a charming young woman with a wise head on her pretty shoulders4 ,her thought was that she could best help him by doing the work of a maid4 ,her name wherever known had been a synonym for exquisite taste1 and she lost nothing of this in the conduct of her new rle4 ,ugliness of any sort was not in her scheme of things4 ,she determined that she should be no less pretty in her husband's eyes because of the part she was to play in his kitchen4 ,she had made for herself eight blue and white striped seersucker gowns with broad hems on the short skirts and with plain shirt-waists4 ,the sleeves were made elbow length1 so as not to incommode her in her work1 and a turnover collar of white which left her throat free was at once comfortable and becoming4 ,with these dresses she wore dark aprons or white ones1 according to the work she was doing4 ,her husband and friends declared she had never looked more pleasing than while 8in service40 ,she was an excellent refutation of the idea that a woman must look slovenly when doing household tasks4 ,though 8dressing the part0 seems a small beginning toward getting the work of a house done1 it is a helpful beginning because it affects the spirits4 ,a working woman needs working clothes4 ,if they be pretty as well as comfortable and appropriate1 they give an impetus toward cheerful labor that is not to be lightly estimated4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,avoid ,,interruptions ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,value ,,of ,,system ,a woman who learns to be her own maid and makes a success of the work must adopt it as a business and must devote herself to her tasks with regularity and system4 ,she must be firm against intrusion and interruption from the outside world4 ,she must adopt housekeeping as a profession and aim not merely at completing the daily round but at achieving an excellence that will in time impart interest to the work4 ,order and simplicity are the two laws she must obey if she is to get through with dignity and self-respect4 ,an order of the day and an order of the week must be made out and followed as far as possible4 ,system and arrangement are the great time savers4 ,to sit down at one's desk once a day or once a week and make out conscientiously a list of all the things necessary to be done in the time named1 then divide and tabulate these according as seems best1--this use of the brain will economize time and will save many a weary step4 ,orderliness in work leads most directly to that harmony and peace in housekeeping which the average woman is so fearful of losing when she takes up the labor for herself4 ,the writer used frequently to take luncheon at the house of a clever friend who cooked and served the meals4 ,her cooking could always be counted on as delicious2 but it was the serving1 that ,scylla and ,charybdis in one1 of most women who must 8do0 entirely for themselves1 that astonished and delighted one4 ,on a side-table1 ready for her hand1 were placed the extra dishes needed4 ,on this1 too1 was room for those things only temporarily necessary on the dining-table4 ,the occasions when the hostess must rise to serve her guests were reduced by the perfection of her arrangements to a minimum4 ,when she was compelled to visit pantry or kitchen1 she left the table without a flurry and was back with the article in question almost before one realized her departure4 ,this grace in service was partly1 of course1 a matter of nature1 but it was largely due to trained and systematic habits of work4 ,these oiled the wheels of housekeeping and made them run more or less smoothly4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,a ,,simple ,,menu ,the woman without a maid must cultivate simplicity as well as order in her household arrangements4 ,to do this requires some originality of soul and mind4 ,she must model her work not upon what her neighbors and friends do1 but upon what she thinks necessary to be done for the comfort and good health of herself and those dependent upon her4 ,she must not attempt more things than she can do well4 ,many a young woman who starts out with joyous intention to be cook for husband and family1 fails in her intention by reason of planning too large a bill of fare4 ,for beginners1 at least1 it is well to cut out made desserts and pretentious salads4 ,a cream soup with a broiled steak1 potatoes nicely cooked1 lettuce with a ,french dressing1 coffee and fruit1 make a dinner which1 if neatly served1 affords nourishment and delight to the ordinary man4 ,how much better to attempt nothing more than this and make a success of it than to try for roast1 two or three vegetables1 an intricate salad and a pudding1--to have these imperfectly achieved and awkwardly served4 ,for it goes without saying that it is much more difficult to serve an elaborate than a simple meal4 ,also the elaborate meal demands for serving many more dishes1 and the extra dishes make added work in the dish-washing which follows a meal as the night the day4 ,simplicity of living must be the aim of the woman who does her own work4 ,it is only by cultivating simplicity that she can live restfully and with the taste that makes for beauty4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,dividing ,,household ,,tasks ,in a household where no servant is employed each member of the family should regularly perform certain duties4 ,where there is a family of some size all the work should not be crowded upon the shoulders of the mistress4 ,if one person does the dusting1 another the mending1 another the cooking1 another the sweeping1 and so on through the list of necessary employment in a household1 the burden need not fall too heavily upon any one4 ,no paid servant can feel the interest in successful achievement that rewards the effort of those who are laboring for the convenience and beauty of their own home4 ,a household conducted on plans of the most rigid economy may still be cheerful and even charming if the members of it choose to view the matter in a sort of ,bohemian1 picnicking spirit4 ,if the duties are assigned with regard to the tastes and capacities of each1 no real hardship is involved and a spirit of gaiety is invoked by the concerted effort at producing comfort with the expenditure of little money4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,vulgarity ,,of ,,pretense ,an utter absence of pretense is the only graceful attitude in a home conducted in the way described4 ,to be ashamed of the work one does and to try to conceal it results in an uneasy1 hypocritical manner and deceives no one4 8,i almost opened my own door when she called on me10 said a silly1 snobbish1 impecunious woman in telling of the visit paid her by a rich resident of the neighborhood4 ,the remark blinded no one and made the speaker ridiculous4 99 99 99 99 99 ,there are books of various kinds written for the help of the woman who must get on without a maid4 ,these often can make for her a quicker and better path to her goal than she can work out alone and unaided4 ,one of the best-known stories about the great ,english statesman1 ,charles ,james ,fox1 is of his learning to carve4 ,he determined to make a conquest of this branch of knowledge as he did of any other attempted by him4 ,day after day he brought to the dining-table with him a book on carving1 and cut the fowl or joint placed before him in accordance with the rules of the book4 ,his subsequent beautiful carving was the result of this method1 of his willingness to learn the best way of doing whatever he attempted4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,help ,,from ,,cook-,,books ,reliable books on cooking1 on the relative values of foods1 on sanitary housekeeping1 are not hard to find1 while the magazines and papers are full of happy suggestions on these and kindred themes4 ,a woman who intends to be her own maid should possess some reliable volumes on her subject1 should make her work more interesting to herself and more valuable to her family by a reference to authorities on her subject4 ,the more one knows about the work one has in hand1 the more one is apt to care for it4 ,and enthusiasm for one's task1 in its turn1 begets good work4 99 99 99 99 99 ,no woman on whom falls the burden of keeping her own house should feel permanently discouraged4 ,she may learn to do her task not only with comfort but with grace4 ,the difficulties in her way can be surmounted through experience and study4 ,if she has a natural liking for the ordering and managing of a house1 her work may become a delight4 8,why do you look so sad80 said one woman to another4 8,because ,i have a perfect maid10 said the second4 8,all my life until recently ,i kept house for my husband and myself4 ,housekeeping was my passion as music is yours4 ,now my husband insists that ,i shall keep a maid4 ,she knows her business4 ,it would spoil her if ,i helped4 ,i am a stranger in my own kitchen4 ,wouldn't you be unhappy if you had no opportunity to play ,chopin and ,beethoven8 ,well1 ,i am miserable because ,i can't concoct salads and soups40 ,this testimony to the joys of housekeeping is extreme1 but it may serve to cheer some beginner in domestic labor who sees only duty but no pleasure in the work4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,a ,,southern ,,girl',s ,,party ,to feel that because one is limited in means one can not entertain is wholly mistaken4 ,the young lady in a southern family in aristocraite ,charleston1 herself the granddaughter of a governor of the state and a member of the famous ,st4 ,cecilia ,society1 told the writer1 who was a 8paying guest0 in the simple home1 how she entertained her friends4 8,in the morning we whip up a cake1 order cream1 telephone the girls1 and when they come1 that's the party60 ,but her own delightful spirit of hospitality1 the perfection of her breeding1 were the largest element in that party's undoubted success4 ,,chapter ,,xxxix ,,woman ,,in ,,business ,,relations ,,the number of women who enter into business life and the number of avenues open to them for earning a living are constantly increasing4 ,and however much we may be disposed to ridicule the agitation concerning woman's progress and the rights of woman1 no fair-minded person can fail to recognize the happy changes such agitation in the last decade has wrought in the attitude of the world toward women who make their own way in it4 ,the old-fashioned prejudice of gentility against a woman employing her powers to make money has very largely disappeared4 ,many a delicate-minded woman of the old school has lived in poverty or has incurred unwillingly financial obligations to family connections because of the prejudice against her doing something for herself1 because of the feeling that her social position1 a matter naturally of high importance to a woman1 would be injured by her stepping out of the family niche and picking up something for herself on the highway open to all4 ,she feared more even than this1 perhaps1 the loss of those particularly feminine attributes and charms so dear to every real woman's heart4 ,in the old-fashioned conception of a woman who worked outside of her own home1 it used to be taken for granted that she must be denied social consideration and must give up her share of fun in the world4 ,sidenote3 ,a ,,library ,,attendant ,all this is now a matter of history1 and is recalled only for the purpose of showing the contrast between her former outlook and her present one4 ,except in a few ultra fashionable communities in the ,united ,states1 the social position of a woman in business is not affected unhappily by her work4 ,provided she has the qualities requisite for social recognition and consideration1 her business is no detriment4 ,she has the same general opportunities for social recreation that offer themselves to a man of business1 and it often happens that her work gives a zest to the enjoyment of such opportunities1 unknown to women of idler habits4 ,the writer has in mind1 as an example1 an engaging young woman who serves most acceptably as attendant in the public library of a western city4 ,her duties keep her from nine in the morning till six in the evening1 but they have not1 in the least1 obscured her charmingly agreeable personal quality4 ,she is much in demand4 ,the number of her masculine admirers is large enough to excite the envy of many a girl whose father's bank-account is a large one4 ,the attention she gives to her work seems to impart an added vivacity to her playtime4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,business ,,is ,,business ,notwithstanding the fact1 however1 that a woman may enjoy the leisure she has for social demands as much after entering business life as before1 she must not carry the little graces and amenities of society into business life4 ,business is business with a woman as well as a man1 and the woman who succeeds in the calling she has chosen is the one who does not attempt to mix its details with matters of a more recreative nature4 ,she must not expect to win favors by any but the straightforward method of doing her work well4 ,the prejudice which so long existed among men against women in business relations was partly caused by the thought that they could never forget that they were women1 could never discuss work or business relations on impersonal and rational grounds4 ,the first lesson a woman must learn in making her own way financially is to appreciate the fact that the office1 the shop1 whatever be her place of employment1 is no place for superfluous courtesies4 ,the cultivation of a cool1 matter-of-fact1 unsentimental way of looking at the work in hand1 is the only path to honorable achievement4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,good ,,dressing ,,important ,what a woman wears1 cheap moralists to the contrary1 is always important4 ,it is especially important in business relations because the impression she creates is1 to a considerable degree1 dependent upon it4 ,the self-supporting woman1 when about her work1 should not dress elaborately or conspicuously4 ,bright colors1 jewels1 extreme hats should be rigidly barred from her wardrobe4 ,she should be dressed quietly but becomingly1 with exquisite neatness and1 to a reasonable extent1 in the prevailing mode4 ,a quiet elegance in style1 care in the manner of putting on her clothes1--these go a long way toward creating the proper appearance for the woman in business4 ,human nature being as it is1 the properly gowned woman of business has a far better chance than the one who is dowdily dressed4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the habit of many young girls in the business world of wearing sleeves that do not come to the elbow and displaying an amount of chest that would be proper only at an evening party1 is a serious mistake4 ,another mistake is the marked preference for wearing1 even in winter time1 white shirt-waists4 ,if these waists are to be really fresh and fit for wear1 a new one must be put on every day1 and that is an expense that the wearers clearly can not afford4 ,dark dresses1 with touches of white at neck and wrists1 are a much wiser choice when one must economize4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,opportunities ,,in ,,business ,it is very commonly said that men have larger interests than women1 and that one reason for this lies in the fact that1 in their every-day work1 they form1 naturally and easily1 relations with many people2 whereas a woman's relations with the world too often come through the more artificial channels of pleasure4 ,a woman in business has the same opportunity for meeting people on real ground that a man has4 ,she should take advantage of these openings to healthful communication with her kind4 ,we have all come in contact with women who have been thus broadened and have realized in them a kind of attraction not to be found in women leading more secluded lives4 ,it is well in summing up the pros and cons of the business woman's life to lay stress on her advantages1 and the one just named is one of which she should make the most4 ,women1 as a class1 are sometimes accused of a lack of method in the performance of their tasks4 ,this is owing to the fact that the duties of domestic life may often be performed at any hour the housekeeper chooses1 and that attention to them is not rigidly fixed as to time4 ,a business career is often an effectual remedy for desultory habits4 ,and this is the reason that many women who have served a time as wage-earners come back to housekeeping with renewed energy and ability4 ,the best housekeepers the writer has ever known were retired women of business4 ,they put into the tasks of the home the method1 the promptness they learned in a more exacting field4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,after ,,working ,,hours ,however1 women who are engaged the greater part of the day in offices1 libraries1 in shops1 should not be expected to engage to any large degree in household duties4 ,it sometimes happens that the members of a family circle1 in which one woman goes out to earn her bread and butter1 have little consideration for her tired state of mind and body when she leaves her work and returns to her home4 ,they expect of her a double duty1 and this is manifestly unfair4 ,it is most important that a business woman have rest or diversion in her spare time1 so that she will not get into a rut1 so that she may do justice to her work4 ,sidenote3 ,a ,,word ,,of ,,advice ,her family should not forget that her money-making powers will be crippled by forced attention to other duties4 ,men are treated far more considerately in this regard than women4 ,nothing is allowed to interfere with the average business man's arrangements4 ,to facilitate these1 everything possible is done by his family4 ,this may be because men are more insistent1 because they have a way of demanding their rights4 ,it would be well for women in business1 well also for their families1 that they should 8look sharp0 and pursue the same policy4 ,,chapter ,,xl ,a ,,financial ,,study ,,for ,,our ,,young ,,married ,,couple ,,thirty years ago ,i held a heart-to-heart talk with reasonable1 well-meaning husbands on the vital subject of the monetary relations between man and wife4 ,i quote a paragraph1 the force of which has been confirmed to my mind by the additional experience and observation of three more decades than were set to my credit upon the age-roll when ,i penned the words3 8,i have studied this matter long and seriously1 and ,i offer you1 as the result of my observation in various walks of life1 and careful calculation of labor and expense1 the bold assertion that every wife who performs her part1 even tolerably well1 in whatsoever rank of society1 more than earns her living1 and that this should be an acknowledged fact with both parties to the marriage contract4 ,the idea of her dependence upon her husband is essentially false and mischievous1 and should be done away with1 at once and forever4 ,it has crushed self-respect out of thousands of women2 it has scourged thousands from the marriage-altar to the tomb1 with a whip of scorpions2 it has driven many to desperation and crime40 ,i have headed this chapter 8,a ,financial ,study for ,our ,young ,married ,couple10 because ,i have little hope of changing the opinions and custom of the mature benedict4 ,our youthful wedded pair should come to a rational mutual understanding in the first week of housekeeping as to an equitable division of the income on which they are to live together4 ,if you--our generic 8,john0--shrink from coming down to 8cold business0 before the echoes of the wedding-bells have died in ear and in heart1 call the discussion a 8matter of marriage etiquette10 and approach it confidently4 ,and do you1 ,mrs4 ,john1 meet his overtures in a straightforward1 sensible way1 with no foolish shrinking from the idea of even apparent independence of him to whom you have entrusted your person and your happiness8 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,wife',s ,,portion ,it is1 of course1 your part to harken quietly to whatever proposition your more businesslike spouse may make as to the just partition1 not of his means1 which are likewise yours1 but of the sums you are respectively to handle and to spend4 ,do not accept what he apportions for your use as a benefaction4 ,he has endowed you with all his worldly goods1 and the law confirms the endowment to a certain extent4 ,you are a co-proprietor--not a pensioner4 ,if1 while the glamour of ,love's ,young ,dream envelops and dazes you1 you are chilled by what seems sordid and commonplace1 take the word of an old campaigner for it that the time will come when your 8allowance0 will be a factor in happiness as well as in comfort4 ,may ,i quote to ,john another and a longer extract from the thirty-year-old 8,talk concerning ,allowances08 ,sidenote3 ,,learn ,,to ,,say ,,we 8,set aside from your income what you adjudge to be a reasonable and liberal sum for the maintenance of your household in the style suitable for people of your means and position4 ,determine what purchases you will yourself make1 and what shall be entrusted to your wife1 and put the money needed for her proportion into her care as frankly as you take charge of your share4 ,try the experiment of talking to her as if she were a business partner4 ,let her understand what you can afford to do1 and what you can not4 ,if in this explanation you can say #8we' and #8ours1' you will gain a decided moral advantage1 although it may be at the cost of masculine prejudice and pride of power4 ,impress upon her mind that a certain sum1 made over to her apart from the rest1 is hers absolutely1 not a present from you1 but her honest earnings1 and that you would not be honest were you to withhold it4 ,and do not ask her #8if that will do8' any more than you would address the question to any other woman4 ,with what cordial detestation wives regard that brief query which drops1 like a sentence of the ,creed1 from husbandly lips1 ,i leave your spouse to tell you4 ,also1 if she ever heard of a woman who answered anything but #8,yes6'0 ,carrying out the idea of co-partnership1 should your wife exceed her allowance1 running herself1 and consequently you1 into debt1 meet the exigency as you would a similar indiscretion on the part of a young and inexperienced member of your firm4 ,treat the extravagance as a mistake1 not a fault4 ,not one girl-wife in one hundred1 who has not been a wage-earner1 has had any experience in the management of finances4 ,the father gives the daughter money when she 7or her mother7 tells him that she needs it1 or would like to have it4 ,when it is gone he is applied to for more4 ,she has been a beneficiary all her life1 usually an irresponsible1 thoughtless recipient of what is lavished or doled out to her1 according to the parental whim and means4 ,sidenote3 ,,learning ,,business ,,methods ,teach her business methods1 tactfully1 yet decidedly4 ,one young wife ,i wot of began keeping the expense-book1 presented to her by her husband1 with these entries3 8,january fourth4 ,received #ge4jj 7,seventy-five dollars74 8,january sixth4 ,spent #gj4be shopping1 etc4 8,balance--#d4ge set down to ,profit and ,loss40 ,after fifteen years of married life her husband died1 bequeathing the whole of a large estate to her1 and making her sole guardian of their three children1--a confidence fully justified by her conduct of the affairs thus committed to her4 8,my husband trained me patiently and thoroughly10 she said to one who complimented her financial sagacity4 8,i was an ignoramus when we were married40 ,then1 laughingly1 she related the 8profit and loss0 incident4 ,it is the fashion to sneer at women's business methods4 ,who are to blame for their blunders8 ,sidenote3 ,,money ,,as ,a ,,toy ,should your wife play with her allowance1 as a child with a new toy1 let censure fall upon those who have kept her in leading-strings4 ,teach her gradually to comprehend her responsibilities4 ,the sense of them will steady her unless she be exceptionally feather-brained4 ,be she wasteful or frugal1 the allowance you have made to her is as honestly hers to have1 to hold or to spend1 as the third of your estate which the law will give her in the event of your death4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,settlements 8,settlements10 according to the ,english sense of the word1 are not yet common in the ,united ,states4 ,one ,american father1 whose daughter was on the eve of marriage with an ,englishman1 ordered the prospective bridegroom out of the house when the foreigner queried innocently as to the 8settlements0 the future father-in-law intended to make upon his child4 ,a man with a reputation for fortune-hunting had nearly rid himself of the slur by insisting that his fiance's large estate should be settled absolutely upon herself4 ,her quondam guardian put a different complexion on the generous act by divulging the circumstance that the husband1 by the same 8settlement10 had made himself sole trustee of his wife's property of every description4 ,while there are1 perhaps1 fewer purely mercenary marriages in our country than in any other1 it can not be denied that a large proportion of enterprising young men act1 consciously1 or unwittingly1 on the advice of the ,scotchman who warned his son not to marry for money1 but in seeking a wife1 8to gae where money is40 8,is he marrying her fortune1 or herself80 asked one gossip of another when an approaching bridal was spoken of4 8,they say he is very much in love with her60 was the answer1 uttered dubiously4 8,i fancy1 however1 that he would have repressed his passion1 if she were a poor girl40 ,which brings us to a much more delicate matter than the division of the income earned1 or inherited1 by the bridegroom4 ,it is a fact that may have much significance--or none--that the bride makes no mention of endowing her husband with all1 or any portion1 of her worldly goods4 ,it is likewise significant that laws 7of man's devising7 take it for granted that her property goes with her1 so that in most of our states it is his without other act of gift than the marriage ceremony4 ,sidenote3 ,,marrying ,,for ,,money ,the man who marries for money has no scruples as to the acceptance and the use of it4 ,sometimes it is squandered2 sometimes1 but not often1 it is hoarded2 most frequently 8it goes into the husband's business0 and is invested by him for the benefit of himself and his family4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,bride',s ,,dowry ,the nicer issue with which we have to do is how our conscientious ,john1 who would have married his best girl if she had not possessed one penny in her own right1 is to comport himself with regard to the fortune1 modest or considerable1 which she brings to him as dowry4 ,briefly and clearly--as a trust not to be committed to the chances and changes of his individual ventures4 ,no investment should be made of his wife's money without her knowledge and full consent4 ,in all that he does1 where her funds are involved1 he should be her actuary1 and what profits result from 8operations0 with her funds should be settled on herself and children4 ,by this course alone can he retain his self-respect1 his reputation as an honorable man1 and certainly disabuse his wife's mind of any possible suspicion that his affection was not wholly for her4 ,,chapter ,,xli ,,more ,,about ,,allowances ,,the arrangement between husband and wife concerning money matters should be no more definite and businesslike than that subsisting between father and children4 ,to be taught early the real value of money is a distinct assistance to financial integrity in later life4 ,to have in one's possession1 even as a child1 a sum wholly one's own1 conduces to a feeling of self-respect and independence4 ,as soon as a child is old enough to know what money is and that1 for money1 things are bought and sold1 he should have an allowance1 be it only a penny a week4 ,suggestions1 but not commands1 as to its expenditure should accompany the gift4 ,gradually the weekly or monthly amount should be increased1 and instructions should be given as to its possible use4 ,a child may be advised properly to divide his small funds between pleasure and charity1 or between the things bought solely for his own benefit and those for the benefit of others1 the value of the expenditure1 in each case1 being dependent on the freedom of his choice4 ,as he grows older he should be taught to expend money for necessities4 ,he should be trained to buy his own clothes and other personal belongings4 ,this sort of training1 often disastrously neglected1 is of far more practical value than many things taught in the schools4 ,the feeling of responsibility engendered in children or young people by trusting them with a definite amount of money for certain general purposes1 can scarcely fail of a happy result4 ,it binds them to a performance of duty while it confers1 at the same time1 a delicious sense of freedom4 ,an allowance for necessities gives its recipient liberty of choice in expenditure1 but the choice must be judicious or the recipient suffers4 ,this it does not take him long to find out4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,running ,,up ,,bills ,many a man who refuses his sons and daughters allowances1 permits them to run up large bills at the various shops where they trade4 ,exactly what the amount of these bills will be he never knows1 except that it is sure to be larger than he wishes4 ,the children of such a man never have any ready money4 ,they do not know what to count on and1 in consequence1 not being trusted1 they exercise all their ingenuity to outwit the head of the family and to trick from him exactly as much money as possible4 ,a young woman with somewhat extravagant tendencies1 who belonged to the class of the unallowanced1 begged her father for a new gown4 ,she pleaded and pleaded in vain4 ,finally1 he said if she had anything that could be made over1 he would stand for the bill4 ,this word to the wise was sufficient4 ,she took the waist-band of an old gown to her modiste who built upon it a beautiful frock for which she likewise sent in a beautiful bill4 ,fortunately1 this daughter had a father who was a connoisseur in wit1 and who could appreciate a joke even at his own expense4 ,but the example will serve1 as well as another1 to illustrate the lengths to which a woman may resort when not treated as a reasonable and reasoning creature about money matters4 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,convenient ,,allowance 8,i would rather have one-half the amount of money of which ,i might otherwise have the use1 and have it in the form of an allowance10 said a young woman who was discussing1 with other young women1 the subject of expenditures4 8,if ,i know what ,i am to have1 ,i can spend it to much better advantage4 ,i can exercise some method in my purchases4 ,if ,i don't know1 ,i am likely to spend a large sum on some two or three articles with the hope that more is coming4 ,suddenly and unexpectedly father sets his foot down on further bills1 and there ,i am with a dream of a hat but no shoes1 or with a ball gown and not a coat to my back40 ,sidenote3 ,,learning ,,how ,,to ,,spend ,money plays some part in the life of every human being belonging to a civilized nation4 ,the question of successful and skilful expenditure is a vital question for the majority of people4 ,it is not a question that can be solved without training4 ,yet we educate children in various unimportant matters1 and1 for the most part1 leave this of money untouched4 ,in no way can a child or a young person be taught so readily and so quickly the proper use of money as by limiting his expenses to a certain sum1 which sum he nevertheless controls4 ,,chapter ,,xlii ,a ,,few ,,of ,,the ,,little ,,things ,,that ,,are ,,big ,,things ,,seeing the prevalence of rudeness in human intercourse1 one is forced to believe that the natural man is a cross-grained brute4 ,that breeding and culture often convert him into a creature of gentleness and refinement speaks volumes for the powers of such influence4 ,the average man seems to take a savage delight in occasionally giving vent to brutal or cutting speech4 ,to yield thus to a primal and savage instinct is to prove that breeding and refinement are lacking4 ,there are certain business men who1 during business hours1 meet one with a brusk manner that would not be pardoned in a petty tradesman4 ,if we visit them on their own business1--not as intruders1--it is the same4 ,they seem to feel that a certain disagreeable humor is an indispensable accompaniment to the occasion4 ,such insolence is usually taken as a matter of course by the recipient1 who immediately feels penitent at the thought of his intrusion4 ,too often the physician who is not a gentleman at heart trades on the fact that his patients regard him as a necessity1 and is as disagreeable as his temper at the moment demands that he shall be4 ,he intimates that he is so busy that he has scarcely time to give his advice2 that the person he attends had no business to get ill1 and1 in fact1 makes himself generally so disagreeable it is to be wondered at that the sufferer ever calls in this man again4 ,yet in a drawing-room1 and talking to a well person1 this man's manner would be charming4 ,one sometimes feels that sick people and physicians might well be classed as 8patients0 and 8impatients40 ,it is but fair to remark that1 to the credit of physicians1 it is not always those who have had the largest experience1 or who stand at the head of their profession who deserve to come under the above condemnation4 ,the men to whom the world looks for advice in the matters of which they have made a study1 and who are sure of their standing1 are often the gentlest1 the most courteous4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,counting-,,room ,,courtesy ,our busy men have need to remember that the man who is gentle at heart shows that gentleness in counting-room and office as well as in drawing-room and dining-room1 and the fact that the person calling on him for business purposes or advice is a woman1 should compel him to show the politeness which --8is to do and say ,the kindest thing in the kindest way40 ,on the other hand1 common courtesy and consideration for another demand that the person who intrudes on a man when he is busy should state his business briefly1 and then take his departure4 ,only the busy man or woman knows the agony that comes with the knowledge that the precious moments of the working hours are being frittered away on that which is unnecessary1 when necessary work is standing by1 begging for the attention it deserves and should receive4 ,let him who would be careful on points of etiquette remember that there is an etiquette of working hours as well as of the hours of leisure and sociability4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,asking ,,questions ,perhaps the lapse from good breeding most common in general society is the asking of questions4 ,one is aghast at the evidence of impertinent curiosity that parades under the guise of friendly interest4 ,interrogations as to the amount of one's income1 occupation1 and even as to one's age and general condition1 are legion and inexcusable4 ,every one who writes--be he a well-known author or a penny-a-liner--knows only too well the query1 8,what are you writing now80 and knows1 too1 the feeling of impotent rage awakened by this query4 ,yet1 unless one would be as rude as one's questioner1 one must smile inanely and make an evasive answer4 ,to ask no question does not1 of necessity1 mean a lack of interest in the person with whom one is conversing4 ,a polite and sympathetic attention will show a more genuine and appreciative interest than much inquisitiveness4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a lack of interest in what is being told one is a breach of courtesy that is all too common4 ,often one sees a man or woman deliberately pick up a book or paper1 open it and glance over it while his interlocutor is in the midst of a story he means to make interesting4 ,if the conversation is interesting1 it deserves the undivided attention of both persons2 if what is being said is not worth attention1 the listener should at least respect the speaker's intention to please4 ,there is nothing more dampening to conversational enthusiasm1 or more 8squelching0 to eloquence1 than to find the eyes of the person with whom one is talking fixed on a book or magazine1 which he declares he is simply 8looking over10 or at whose pictures he is 8only glancing40 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,good ,,listener ,a good listener is in himself an inspiration4 ,even if one is not attracted by the person to whom one is talking1 one should assume interest4 ,this rule also holds good with regard to the attention given to a public speaker4 ,in listening to a preacher or to a lecturer1 one should look at him steadily1--not allowing the eyes to wander about the building and along the ceiling and walls4 ,this habit of a seemingly fixed attention is easily cultivated4 ,if one is really interested in the address1 it aids in the enjoyment and comprehension of it to watch the speaker's facial play and gestures4 ,if one is bored1 one may yet fix the eyes upon the face of the person to whom one is supposed to be listening1 and continue to think one's own thoughts and to plan one's own plans4 ,and certainly the person who is exerting himself for the entertainment of his audience will speak better and be more comfortable for the knowledge that eyes belonging to some one who is apparently absorbed in his address are fixed upon him4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,tactful ,,criticism ,one of the difficult things to do is to pass a criticism or make a suggestion as to the speech or manner of another person4 ,yet there are times when to refrain is to do the greatest unkindness to a person sincerely eager to learn4 ,a happy solution is to include one's self if possible in the censure given4 8,i'm afraid we were all a little boisterous to-night10 said a tactful woman of the world to a young girl who really had been boisterous4 ,she caught the criticism intended and yet felt no hurt at the speaker4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,talking ,,at ,,the ,,telephone ,conditions under which otherwise polite persons feel that they can be rude are those attendant on a telephone conversation4 ,with the first word many a man drops his courtesy as if it were a garment that did not fit him4 ,and women do the same4 ,if 8,central0 were to record all that she 7it seems to be usually a 8she07 hears1 and all that is said to her1 our ears would tingle4 ,true it is1 that she sometimes is surly1 pert and ill-mannered4 ,but if she is ill-bred1 that is no reason for the person talking to follow suit4 ,were one really amenable to arrest for profanity over the wires1 the police would be kept busy if they performed their duty4 ,but putting aside the underbred who swears1 let us listen for a moment to the so-called courteous person1--for he is courteous under ordinary circumstances3 ,sidenote3 ,,scolding ,,central 8,hello6 ,central6 how long are you going to keep me waiting8 ,i told you ,i wanted #8#cjdj ,spring4' ,yes6 ,i did say that6 and if you would pay attention to your business you would know it6 ,i never saw such a worthless set as they have at that ,central ,office4 ,got them1 did you8 ,it's time6 ,hello1 #cjdj1 is that you8 ,well1 why the devil didn't you send that stuff around this morning8 ,going to1 right away1 are you8 ,well1 it's time you did4 ,what ails you people1 anyway8 ,no66 ,central666 ,i'm not through1 and ,i wish to heaven you'd let this line alone when ,i'm talking10 and so on1 ad infinitum4 ,is all this worth while1 and is it necessary8 ,and must women1 who1 as they call themselves ladies1 do not give vent to expressed profanity1 so far copy the manners of the so-called stronger sex that they scream like shrews over the telephone8 ,calling one day on a woman whom ,i had met with pleasure half a dozen times1 ,i was the unwilling listener to her conversation with her grocer4 ,she began by rating ,central for not asking 8,what number80 as soon as the receiver was lifted from the hook4 ,having warmed up to business on this unseen girl1 she got still more heated with the grocer at the other end of the wire4 ,she had ordered one kind of apples1 and he had sent her another1 and the slip of paper containing the list of her purchases had an item of a five-cent box of matches that she had not ordered4 ,with regard to all of which she expostulated shrilly and with numerous exclamations that were as near as she dared come to masculine explosives1--such as 8,great ,heavens60 8,goodness gracious60 and so forth4 ,after threatening to transfer her custom to another grocer1 and refusing to accept the apology of the abject tradesman1 she compromised by saying that she would give him another trial1 and hung up the receiver1 coming into the parlor and beginning a conversation once more in the even society voice ,i had invariably heard before from her4 ,sidenote3 ,,courtesy ,,pays ,that the ways of telephones and the persons who operate them are sometimes trying1 no one can deny1--least of all1 the writer of this chapter1 who lives in a house with one of these maddening essentials to human comfort4 ,but the loss of temper that manifests itself in the outward speech is not a requisite of the proper appreciation and use of the telephone4 ,it is nothing less than a habit1 and a pernicious one1--this way we have of talking into the transmitter4 ,let us remember that courtesy pays better than curses1 and politeness better than profanity4 ,if not1 then let us have poorer service from ,central and preserve our self-respect4 99 99 99 99 99 ,never speak of calling a friend on the 8phone40 ,the abbreviation is vulgar though one sometimes hears it on the lips of delightful people4 ,but one should not make the mistake of justifying a solecism by saying 8,mrs4 ,so-and-so says it60 ,to study the graces and avoid the blunders of other people should be the aim of those who aspire to be well-bred4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,in ,,market ,,and ,,shop ,the breeding of a woman is often shown by the manner she uses when shopping or marketing4 ,courtesy to clerks1 to tradesmen of every sort is the mark of a 8lady10 the word used in that beautiful old-fashioned sense to which1 alas6 we have grown a little callous4 ,while a customer has the right measurably to see what a shop affords before she makes her choice1 she has no right to give a clerk the trouble of taking out everything when she has no intention of buying4 ,if she gives much trouble before her decision as to a purchase is reached she should thank the clerk in charge for his extra labor4 ,the fact that he is paid for his time does not make this duty the less4 ,altercations with clerks and other subordinates in a shop are in execrable taste1 are often a sign of an hysterical as well as a choleric temper4 99 99 99 99 99 ,if women should be considerate in their manner toward employees of the shops where they trade1 it is quite as true that clerks should be trained to civility by their employers4 ,for instance1 a part of the duty of clerks is1 of course1 to keep watch over the articles sold4 ,to do this it is not necessary1 however1 to watch the customer as if she were a prospective thief4 ,this attitude on the part of the clerk is not pleasant for the customer and does not encourage trade4 ,sidenote3 ,,unwise ,,endearments ,the suspicious attitude is1 however1 no worse than the familiar one employed by some of the young women serving in shops4 ,a clerk who urges a customer to buy because the article in question has proved so satisfactory in her own family1 or the young woman who calls one 8dearie0 or 8honey0 as she fits a cloak upon one or manipulates one's millinery1 makes a mistake4 ,the relation between clerk and customer should be always formal and courteous on both sides4 99 99 99 99 99 ,marketing is a branch of shopping in which many women not fundamentally ill-natured1 have the appearance of being so4 ,there is a kind of ugly scrutiny which many women apply to the inspection of vegetables1 meat and other edibles that is most unattractive4 ,if these women had an idea of the way they look when they bend their hard cold eyes upon the innocent vegetables and fruits1 they would1 at any cost1 cultivate a more agreeable manner4 ,beware of the marketing stare4 ,as for a string bag1 if you have one put it in the furnace4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a rudeness of which people who should know better are frequently guilty is that of criticizing a dear friend of the person to whom one is talking4 ,this is not only ill-mannered1 but unkind1 and one of many flagrant violations of the ,golden ,rule4 ,if a man loves his friend1 do not call his attention to that friend's failings1 nor twit him on his fondness for such a person4 ,he is happier for not seeing the failings1 and if the friendship brings him any happiness1 or makes life even a little pleasanter for him1 do not be guilty of the cruelty of clouding that happiness4 ,if the man does see the faults of him he loves1 and loyally ignores them1 pretend that you are not aware of the foibles toward which he would have you believe him blind4 ,the knowledge of the peccadillos of those in whom we trust comes only too soon2 we need not hurry on the always disappointing1 often bitter knowledge4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,never ,,patronize ,perhaps lack of breeding shows in nothing more than in the manner of receiving an invitation4 ,should a man say1 patronizingly1 8,oh1 perhaps ,i can arrange to come10--when you invite him to some function1 write him down as unworthy of another invitation4 ,he is lacking in respect to you and in appreciation of the honor you confer on him in asking him to partake of the hospitality you have devised4 8,really10 protests one man plaintively1 8,i am very tired6 ,i have been out every night for two weeks1 and now you want me for to-morrow night4 ,i am doubtful whether ,i ought to come4 ,i am so weary that ,i feel ,i need rest40 ,the stately woman who had asked him to her house1 smiled amusedly3 8,pray let me settle your doubts for you10 she said1 8and urge you not to neglect the rest nature demands4 ,your first duty is to her1 not to me40 ,the man was too obtuse or too conceited to perceive the veiled sarcasm1 and to know that the invitation was withdrawn4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,acknowledging ,,favors ,unless one receives special permission from the person giving an invitation to hold the matter open for some good and sufficient reason1 one should accept or decline a verbal invitation as soon as it is given4 ,if circumstances make this impossible1 one should apologize for hesitating1 saying1 8,i am so anxious to come that ,i am going to ask your permission to send you my answer later1 after ,i ascertain if my husband has no engagement for that evening10--or some such form4 ,the hostess will readily grant such a request4 ,it may seem far-fetched to speak of ingratitude as a breach of etiquette1 but the lack of acknowledgment of favors is very much like it4 ,the man who accepts all done for him as his due1 who forgets the 8thank you0 in return for the trifling favors1 is not a gentleman--in that respect1 at least4 ,the young men and young women of to-day are too often spoiled or heedless1 taking pretty attentions offered them as matters of course1 and as their right4 99 99 99 99 99 ,in this miscellaneous chapter it may be well to enforce what is said elsewhere with regard to the respect every man should show to women4 ,for instance1 every man who really respects the women of his family will remove his hat when he enters the house4 ,there are1 however1 men who kiss these same women with covered heads4 ,in a well-known play acted by a traveling company some years ago in a small town1 the hero1 standing in a garden1 told the heroine he loved her1 was accepted by her1 and bent to kiss her without removing the conventional derby from his blond pate4 ,all sentiment was destroyed for the spectators when irate ,hibernian accents sounded forth from the gallery with3 8,suppose ye take off yer hat1 ye ill-mannered blokey60 ,the ,irishman was in the right4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,a ,,word ,,to ,,the ,,shy ,i would say a word to those who1 through bashfulness or self-consciousness1 do the things they ought not to do and leave undone those things which they ought to do4 ,they are so uncomfortable in society1 so afraid of not appearing as they should1 and so much absorbed in wondering how they look and act1 and wishing that they did better1 that they are guilty of the very acts of omission and commission they would guard against4 ,if ,i could give one rule to the bashful it would be3 ,forget yourself and your affairs in interest in others and their affairs4 ,be so fully occupied noticing how well others appear and trying to make everybody about you comfortable1 that you have no time to think of your behavior4 ,you will then not be guilty of any flagrant breach of etiquette4 ,the most courteous women ,i have ever known1 those whose manners were a charm to all whom they met1 were those who were self-forgetful and always watching for opportunities to make other people comfortable4 ,such are the queens of society4 ,sidenote3 ,,undue ,,self-,,criticism ,if you do make a mistake take consolation from the fact--which will be apparent to you in time--that others do the same4 ,perfect good breeding is a state to which few attain absolutely4 ,one should not make one's self thoroughly unhappy by too constant self-criticism1 for to do this is to disobey--paradoxically--a fundamental social law4 ,the old negro who1 when asked to describe what he meant by 8quality folks10 expressed this law when he answered1 8,quality never doubts theirselves40 ,the beginner must doubt1 but he should not agonize about it4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,talking ,,shop 8,talking shop0 is usually alluded to as a decided breach of etiquette4 ,in many cases it is so1 yet there are people who are never so entertaining as when doing this very thing1 and there are companies in which it is entirely proper they should do it4 ,one must use discretion4 ,certainly1 no one should be forced to talk of his daily work if he evidently prefers not to do so4 ,physicians in particular should not be compelled to play the professional when they are trying to relax socially4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a party is not the place for propaganda4 ,the hostess who may be an ardent advocate of votes for women should be sure that all her guests share her views before she dogmatically propounds them4 ,she may indeed politely introduce the topic and if she merely does this1 no one present has a right to take offense or should hesitate in the same spirit to speak of her own view4 ,but the subject is likely to prove dangerous4 ,the writer has seen charming women utterly lose control of themselves and all but maul one another over a 8discussion0 on equal suffrage4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a social mistake to be avoided is that of being 8touchy40 ,to be so occasions one great unhappiness and leads to serious mistakes in conduct4 ,do not allow yourself to find slights and affronts in the demeanor of those with whom you are thrown unless there is real foundation for the feeling4 ,the mental attitude of fancying that others intend to wound us grows if it is indulged in and finally leaves us hopelessly out of key4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,cordial ,,greetings ,one of the most valuable of social acquisitions is the habit of greeting people in a delightful way4 ,learn to say 8,good morning60 audibly1 heartily1 as if you meant it4 ,unless one means to be very informal one should add the name1 8,good morning1 ,miss ,smith40 ,we all know men and women who possess this grace of salutation which lingers happily on those on whom it is bestowed4 99 99 99 99 99 ,in meeting people for the first time one should take pains to get their names exactly right4 ,there is something very personal in one's feeling about one's name and one has a right to have it spoken and written as one elects4 ,if a man is named 8,davies0 he can not be blamed for resenting it if people indifferently address him as 8,mr4 ,davis40 ,if people who make introductions would take more trouble to speak the name distinctly1 this would help greatly4 ,if the name is indistinctly uttered you may say1 8,pardon me1 ,i did not understand the name80 which will generally bring forth a clear repetition4 99 99 99 99 99 ,small matters1 such as quiet breathing1 betoken gentlehood4 ,flowers1 if one is inhaling their perfume1 should be treated delicately1--the face should not be buried in them4 ,remember ,browning's word1 8,any nose ,may ravage with impunity a rose40 ,it is frequently said that the weather1 as a topic of conversation1 is tabooed4 ,but how charmingly ,chesterton has defended it3 8,there are very deep reasons for talking about the weather 444 it is a gesture of primeval worship 444 to begin with the weather is a pagan way of beginning with prayer4 ,then it is an expression of that elementary idea in politeness--equality 444 in that we all have our hats under the dark blue spangled umbrella of the universe40 ,surely after reading so fine a plea1 no one need fear to begin the morning's conversation with a word on the weather6 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,getting ,,off ,a ,,street-,,car ,one of the things that most women need to learn is the correct way of getting off a street-car1 which is to step off with the right foot1 facing front1 which saves awkwardness in every case and sometimes1 if the car starts too soon1 an accident4 99 99 99 99 99 ,nothing more absolutely marks a lady than her manner toward her social inferior4 ,she is kindly but never patronizing4 ,a woman who was once being fitted for new shoes and who had inquired of the clerk who waited on her how his family were--the man had been at his post for many years and she called him by name--turned to a woman acquaintance who was waiting her turn and said1 explanatorily1 8,i always speak to the butcher1 the baker and the candlestick maker40 ,if this was her custom1 why apologize for it8 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,at ,,the ,,hotel ,,table ,when strangers are served at the same table in a hotel1 they should bow and say 8,good morning0 or 8,good evening10 on sitting down and on leaving4 ,this polite custom1 often ignored in ,america1 is universal abroad4 99 99 99 99 99 ,if one wishes to ask a social favor such as a card for a friend to a ball to which you yourself have been asked1 or a letter of introduction1 it is better to make the request by note if possible1 as this gives the other person more freedom to refuse if that seems necessary4 99 99 99 99 99 ,when one alludes to an entire family by name1 respect requires that the article 8the0 be prefixed4 ,one's friends are 8the ,smiths10 8the ,browns10 etc4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,overwhelming ,,compliments ,profuse compliment is as much to be avoided as undue or untactful criticism4 ,we are annoyed by those who persistently overwhelm us with admiring comment4 ,on the other hand1 one should not hesitate to speak a sincere word that will give pleasure2 one may without apology tell a friend that her new hat is unusually becoming or her dress artistic4 ,there are people who pride themselves on 8never saying anything disagreeable0 and they succeed in being so very often and quite unconsciously because they lack savor4 ,arthur ,benson1 the ,english essayist1 has amusingly pointed out how dull society would be if we turned it into a chorus of indiscriminate praise of how delightful ,a is1 what a charming person is ,b1 how altogether lovely is ,c4 ,perhaps the wisest rule is to draw a sharp line between those who are entitled in a strict sense to the all-devoted attitude of affection and those whom we merely like and find entertaining4 ,even the most patent faults and shortcomings of the former must be sacred--8,a friend conceals the weaknesses of a friend40 ,of the second class one may speak frankly though of course always in taste and without malice4 ,,chapter ,,xliii ,,on ,,manner ,,while it is important to master the minuti that govern the conduct of social life1 it is well to remember that a good manner is to be desired even above good manners4 8,not what she says but the way she says it0 was the clever explanation made by an experienced society woman of the charm of a dbutante4 ,if one doubts this for a moment1 one has only to recall the impression made now and then by a fine-mannered workman or a country woman who has never attended a 8function0 in her life4 ,such persons1 by virtue of a native dignity of bearing1 by a beautiful simplicity and a kindness of heart toward all men1 would be at home in any assembly worthy to receive them4 ,one can fancy that ,stella1 whom ,dean ,swift loved1 would have been at ease in any society1 even had she lacked her protector's instruction and fostering care4 ,we are told that she has civility1 repose and humor1 three great qualities that make for social success4 ,a well-known woman1 describing those who possess savoir-faire1 says3 8,they have the genius of tact to perceive1 the genius of finesse to execute1 ease and frankness of manner1 a knowledge of the world that nothing can surprise1 a calmness of temper that nothing can disturb1 and a kindness of disposition that can never be exhausted40 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,learning ,,to ,,talk ,,well ,to learn to talk well and to listen well and to do either with grace as the conversational situation demands is a real accomplishment4 ,one writer on the subject of conversation has given excellent advice3 8,socialize every thought before you utter it40 ,in other words1 one should bear in mind as vividly as possible the probable direction and extent of the sympathies and interests of the person to whom one is speaking and endeavor not to let his words go far afield from those sympathies and interests4 ,conversation is essentially a partnership game and1 as in playing golf1 the one who is talking should not get too far away from his listener4 ,there have been people like ,coleridge who did not converse but who spoke habitually in monologues and spoke so brilliantly that society was glad to listen4 ,with ordinary men and women1 however1 there should be give and take4 ,in listening1 try to catch plumply a ball tossed to you and in return try to pitch your own ball neither too high nor too low1 too soft nor too hard4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,using ,,the ,,question ,,form ,it is not necessary1 in order to be pleasant1 to make one's self what ,emerson has happily called 8a mush of concession40 ,do not be afraid to have convictions of your own and at the proper moment to express them clearly4 ,at the same time1 one should avoid a dogmatic manner and any assumption that one's own view is the only view worth having4 ,the saying 8,stick your opinions in nobody's sleeve0 is to the point4 ,utter your own ideas frankly but do not force their acceptance on any one4 ,even a good idea is likely to lose by any suggestion of insistence4 ,it is well to make frequent use of the question form in beginning a new topic of discussion1 to ask1 8,do you admire ,forbes-,robertson80 rather than 8,i admire ,forbes-,robertson because1 etc40 ,in the one case1 you courteously include in your talk the one whom you are addressing1 and1 in the other1 you simply use him as an audience for your own benefit4 ,people who are given to the latter form are usually those who are fond of talking constantly which--it may be remarked--is a dangerous thing to do4 ,the man or woman who says a great deal at one time is pretty sure to say something he will be sorry for4 ,besides1 from a strategic point of view1 the man who is always talking himself does not learn2 he has no chance to be finding where the other person stands1 while1 all the time1 he is setting himself up as a target4 ,a great teacher once said1 8,a wise man will hear and will increase learning40 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,a ,,love ,,of ,,harmony ,not to talk constantly of one's self and one's affairs is1 of course1 a fundamental rule of good breeding and yet there are persons who know how to talk about themselves--on occasions when it is proper to do so--in a delightful way1 because they have the instinct for speaking simply and without conceit4 ,to speak of one's ills of any sort is ordinarily a mistake4 8,consume your own smoke40 8,to walk gently1 humbly1 and1 if possible1 gaily with other men0 is a charming rule for social conduct4 ,one should be a lover of harmony4 ,to differ abruptly from the one who is speaking may1 in rare instances1 be necessary1 but only then4 ,after all1 the person who is 8agreeable0 is one who agrees4 ,while one may not share one's neighbor's views in the whole1 one may often seize on some point of it with which to sympathize and on which to set the seal of one's approval4 ,the clergyman who1 at an evening party where a well-known woman had read a paper on ,sir ,oliver ,lodge and his experiments in the occult1 vehemently denounced all occultism1 doubtless felt that his office demanded this attitude1 but he made his hostess and the other guests exceedingly uncomfortable4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,candles ,,of ,,conversation ,avoid the unfortunate habit that some persons have of snuffing out the candles of conversation4 ,if any one introduces a topic1 the reasonable inference is that he is interested in that topic and remark number two from you should not throw cold water on it4 ,do not merely listen1 but attend1 stretch mentally toward your companion1 be with him in thought4 8,find out where people are and meet them there40 ,only in this way will you yourself gain the full measure of what the other person has to give and be able to reply to the finer points of his remark4 ,a good rule in conversation is 8when in doubt keep still40 ,never be betrayed into talking merely because you are nervous4 ,arthur ,vincent speaks somewhere of the unhappy spectacle made by the shy man who attempts to cover his shyness by garrulity4 ,when you do speak1 take all the time there is4 ,that is to say1 do not feel hurried or flurried4 ,speak when you speak--without fear and with dignity4 ,never press unduly any slight advantage you may acquire in conversation4 ,your companion is not your victim nor are you to shine as his superior4 ,a fine manner is made up of many slight sacrifices4 ,if1 in spite of yourself1 you are drawn into a heated1 wordy and futile argument1 you are justified in assenting to any claims whatsoever your unwise companion may make4 ,it was the practise of ,stella1 says one of her biographers1 to agree with such persons1 as she said1 8to save noise40 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,telling ,,of ,,stories ,if you attempt to tell a story1 be sure1 in the first place1 that it is worth telling1 and in the second place1 that you know it thoroughly1 and in the third place1 that you tell it reasonably well4 ,but the social company that is transformed into a succession of 8good stories0 does not represent the highest social plane4 ,a particularly good story is always desirable if it comes in naturally to point some phase of a discussion that is in progress1 but a run of stories represents an intellectual descent4 ,in whatever you are telling or describing1 beware of too much detail4 ,remember the ,french proverb1 8,to tell all is to be tedious40 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,serenity ,,and ,,gentleness ,cheerfully accord the other person the last word in any discussion1 giving your own view once quietly and if it does not arouse interest1 do not insist on it4 ,never raise your voice to command attention4 ,never spoil a fine moment by any disagreeable allusions4 ,there are always some people who have a gift for introducing the subject of ptomaine poisoning during the fish course1 or who1 on an outing1 make all the other women uncomfortable by talking about snakes4 ,remember that comparisons are dangerous and that superlatives are also often the forerunner of embarrassment4 ,be prepared for surprises and do not allow them to throw you off your balance4 ,never allow yourself to become a fussbudget4 ,serenity is one great element of social charm4 ,du ,maurier tells us that ,trilby knew 8when to speak and when to keep silence40 ,george ,meredith1 in his delightful romance1 ,sandra ,belloni1 says of ,sandra1 8,she moved softly as if she loved everything that she touched40 ,a certain softness of manner is undoubtedly a large part of attractiveness1 but the sharp edge of self-assertion destroys4 ,the gentleness of ,hamlet's unhappy love is shown in the warning spoken before one of her entrances3 8,soft you now1 the fair ,ophelia40 8,remember10 says a modern writer on voice training3 8that every time you speak you touch some one with your voice40 99 99 99 99 99 ,beware of giving out violent opinions before knowing where the other person stands4 ,this does not mean that you should be untrue to your own beliefs1 but that you should1 with one newly met1 cast about for at least a plank on which you two may stand in friendly relation4 ,it is the people who most accurately measure the common ground between them and other people who make the most and the happiest friendships4 99 99 99 99 99 ,never command even one who is paid to serve you4 ,the same words put in the form of a request are equally effective and are much more creditable to you and grateful to the persons to whom they are spoken4 ,english servants invariably say 8,thank you0 for any information or direction given them1 but this smacks of servility and one hopes the custom will not be taken up in this country4 ,never begin a conversation with 8,say10 as 8,say1 ,marjorie40 ,in a group conversation be careful to include1 by voice and glance1 every one in it4 ,sidenote3 ,,say ,,good-,,by ,,to ,,all ,finally1 be sure1 as ,emerson says1 8that people like a room better with you in it than out of it10 and when you leave the room1 learn to do it in a way that adds to the pleasure your presence has already given4 ,do not1 for one thing1 neglect to say good-by to every one present if the number is small4 ,the grace with which some people take leave amounts to an art4 ,some one has recorded with delight 8the exquisite1 laughing farewells0 of ,mrs4 ,browning4 ,,chapter ,,xliv ,,self-,,help ,,and ,,observation ,,to the uninstructed1 socially1 the bare rules and conventions regulating social life seem often meaningless and arbitrary4 ,a careful consideration of these conventions1 such as it has been the aim of this book to give1 shows that no one of them is without a reason for its being4 ,the classification1 however1 of social forms1 together with the reasons governing these forms1 does not provide a body of knowledge sufficient to serve as guide in the matter of comporting one's self easily and to advantage socially4 ,there are many situations and points of behavior that it is impossible for a book of etiquette to cover4 ,the laws laid down are only a small social capital4 ,they discuss the more obvious matters of social contact4 ,numerous points1--and these of the finer sort1--must be left without comment4 ,in the treatment of these points and problems the person desirous of solving them properly must rely largely on his own good sense4 ,one must apply to social exigencies the same methods of reasoning that one applies in meeting the other exigencies of life4 ,in a word1 one must resort to the principle of self-help4 ,sidenote3 ,,learn ,,by ,,observation ,much1 too1 and this in the pleasantest fashion1 may be done to extend one's knowledge of good form by observation of people who have unusual tact and social discrimination4 ,in every city1 town and village1 there are such persons who are distinguished above their fellow citizens by social instinct1 by the talent for performing gracefully and acceptably the offices of society4 ,in differing degrees1 but still perceptibly1 these people1 like the painter1 the musician1 the poet1 are marked by a taste and a thirst for perfection4 ,to render social life as interesting1 as charming1 as beautiful as possible1 to make the social machinery run smoothly and without friction1--this is their aim4 ,such people give quality to social intercourse4 ,they observe the little amenities of life with grace4 ,they know how to enter a room and how to leave it4 ,they convey by the bow with which they greet one on the street the proper degree of acquaintanceship or friendship4 ,they dress with propriety4 ,they take time by the forelock in the adoption of new devices for the entertainment of their friends4 ,their parties are the prettiest2 their houses are the most popular4 ,not necessarily clever of speech1 they are clever in small and charming activities4 ,they have a marked talent for all the little graces that make social intercourse easy and delightful4 ,this talent1 of course1 can not be communicated1 but much may be learned by watching its operation4 ,certainly one can gain from it a knowledge of particulars1 of how to perform certain definite acts1 even if the conquest of the method is impossible4 ,it is not difficult in any community to discover people who approach more or less nearly the type described4 ,they have a recognized distinction4 ,to watch them1 and1 by this means1 to wrest from them a part at least of their secret1 is the surest way for the individual1 timid or unversed socially1 to discover his own social power and to increase it4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,,trifles ,,make ,,perfection ,sidenote3 ,,the ,,uniformity ,,of ,,custom ,doubtless some of those who read this book may be disposed to ask why1 in social life1 so much stress is laid on comparatively small matters and why one can not do as one pleases8 ,to these we recommend ,gilbert ,hamerton's delightful essay1 ,custom and ,tradition1 addressed 8,to a young gentleman who had firmly resolved never to wear anything but a gray coat40 ,we quote briefly3 8,the penalties imposed by society for the infraction of very trifling details of custom are often1 as it seems1 out of all proportion to the offense2 but so are the penalties of nature4444 ,nature will be obeyed4 ,society will be obeyed4444 ,society does not desire to exclude you because you will not wear evening dress2 but the dress is customary1 and your exclusion is merely a consequence of your non-conformity4 ,the view of society goes no farther in this than the artistic conception 7not very delicately artistic1 perhaps7 that it is prettier to see men in black coats regularly placed between ladies round a dinner-table than men in gray coats or brown coats4 ,the uniformity of custom appears to represent uniformity of sentiment4444 ,society does not argue the point with you1 but only excludes you40 ,,the ,,end ,,index ,abbreviations1 #c1 #d ,accepting invitations1 #ahc ,accounts1 keeping1 #cia ,acknowledging favors1 #daj1 #daa ,acknowledging gifts1 #afi1 #agj1 #agc1 #agd ,acquaintance between young men and young women1 #acb ,addressing invitations1 #a1 #d1 #f1 #g1 #h1 #i ,addressing letters1 #ca ,addressing persons of political prominence1 #cd1 #ce ,addressing the nobility1 #da ,afternoon receptions1 #ec1 #ed ,afternoon receptions1 correct dress1 #ed ,afternoon receptions1 refreshments for1 #ed ,after six o'clock1 #dc ,allowances3 children's weekly sums1 #cie ,allowances1 expenditure of1 #cif1 #cig1 #cih ,allowances for charity1 #cdg ,allowances1 importance of1 #cie ,allowances1 value of1 #cif ,anniversaries1 #fc ,announcements1 wedding1 #hf1 #hg ,answering letters1 #bi1 #cf1 #cg ,arrival at functions1 #ef1 #eg ,asking questions1 #dja1 #djb 8,at ,home0 announcement through newspapers1 #d 8,at ,home0 days1 #ag1 #ah 8,at ,homes10 invitations to1 #b 8,at ,homes0 of brides1 #hi ,attendants1 wedding1 #gj1 #gi ,automobiling1 etiquette of1 #bhe1 #bhf ,bachelor after-theater supper1 #agf ,bachelor dinners1 #agi1 #ahj1 #aha ,bachelor hospitality3 chaperon required1 #agf ,bachelor hospitality3 engaging chaperon for1 #agg ,bachelor hospitality3 form of entertaining1 #agf ,bachelor hospitality3 issuing invitations1 #agh ,bachelor receptions1 #agf1 #agi ,bachelor restaurant supper1 #ahj1 #aha ,bachelor tea1 #agf1 #agh ,bashfulness1 #dab ,birthday gifts1 #aga ,boarding-house1 etiquette of1 #bdi ,boarding-schools1 #aac ,boating1 etiquette of1 #bhh1 #bhi ,books1 care of1 #bce ,books1 borrowing1 #bce ,bouquets1 bridal1 #gc1 #hb1 #hd ,bowing1 #bdj ,box-party1 correct seating of1 #abi ,breakfast1 wedding1 #ga1 #gb1 #ge1 #gf1 #hd1 #he ,bridegroom's dress1 #gb1 #hb ,bride's dress1 #gb1 #hb ,bridesmaid's dress1 #gb1 #hb ,bruskness1 #cii ,business courtesy1 #dja ,butler's dress1 #ajb ,call1 who makes first1 #be1 #bf ,callers1 refreshments for1 #ai1 #bj ,calling after a bereavement1 #bb ,calling-cards1 #d ,calls1 #ad ,calls3 after an invitation has been declined1 #bd ,calls3 8,at ,home0 days1 #ag1 #ah ,calls3 conversation during1 #abg ,calls3 hours for1 #bf1 #abe1 #abf ,calls3 length of1 #abf ,calls3 leaving cards1 #ah1 #ai1 #bj ,calls3 on fiance1 #ba ,calls1 on the sick1 #bf ,calls1 returning1 #bc ,calls1 social obligation of1 #ag ,calls to offer sympathy1 #bc ,canoeing1 etiquette of1 #bhh1 #bhi ,card-party1 the1 #ef1 #eg ,cards1 #ad ,cards1 calling1 #ad ,cards1 correspondence1 #ce ,cards for an 8,at ,home10 #b ,cards for clergymen1 #af ,cards for evening reception1 #c ,cards for home wedding1 #fi1 #gj ,cards for matron1 #ae ,cards for men1 #ae ,cards for mourning1 #ba1 #bb ,cards for wedding anniversaries1 #fb ,cards for young women1 #ae ,cards3 style for calling1 #ad ,cards3 when calling1 #ai1 #bj ,ceremony1 wedding1 #gd1 #ge1 #hj ,chaperon1 #ade ,chaperon at college parties1 #adb ,chaperon at theaters1 #aej ,chaperon1 duties of1 #adg1 #adh1 #adi1 #aej1 #agg ,chaperon1 excursions with1 #aej ,chaperon1 necessity of1 #adf1 #adg ,chaperon1 obligation to1 #adg ,chaperon3 when traveling1 #bgh1 #bgi ,charity1 allowance for1 #cdg ,charity3 delicacy in gift-making1 #cec1 #ced ,charity1 organized methods of1 #cdg1 #cdh1 #cdi ,charity1 private1 #ceb1 #cec ,charity3 settlement work1 #cea1 #ceb ,charity3 special fields of1 #cej1 #cea ,children1 #cae ,children at hotels1 #bed1 #bee ,children1 authority over1 #cai ,children1 behavior of1 #cah ,children1 indulgence to1 #caf1 #cag ,children1 obedience of1 #cbb ,children1 place of1 #cah ,children1 traveling with1 #cbj1 #cba ,christening gifts1 #fd1 #agh ,christening parties1 #fc1 #fd ,christmas gifts1 #agb1 #agc ,church acquaintances1 #ccj ,church companionship1 #ccj1 #cca ,church etiquette1 #cbi ,church etiquette3 making friends1 #cca ,church etiquette3 pastor and parish1 #cce ,church etiquette3 pew hospitality1 #ccc ,church etiquette3 visiting congregations1 #cce ,church etiquette3 welcoming strangers1 #cca1 #ccb ,clerks and customers1 #djh ,clerks3 courtesy toward1 #djg ,club1 woman's1 #ccg ,coeducation1 #acf ,coeducation3 8,don'ts0 for girls1 #adj1 #ada1 #adb ,coeducation3 forming friendships1 #ach1 #aci ,coeducation3 local etiquette of1 #aci ,coeducation3 social amenities of1 #acg1 #ach ,college festivities1 #adb ,college slang1 #ada1 #adb ,coming out1 #abj ,coming-out parties1 #ee1 #ef 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changed to 8insists0 7your host insists1 however7 ,page #bfc1 8,fondu0 changed to 8,fondue0 7,fondue--,a preparation7 ,page #bfe1 8,piquante1 piquante0 changed to 8,piquant1 piquant0 78,piquant0--,sharply flavored1 as 8sauce piquant107 ,page #bff1 8,veloute0 changed to 8,velout0 78,velout0--,a smooth7