,,humorous ,,hits ,,and ,how to ,hold an ,audience ,,humorous ,,hits ,,and ,how to ,hold an ,audience ,a ,,collection ,,of ,,short ,,selections1 ,,stories ,,and ,,sketches ,,for ,,all ,,occasions ,by ,,grenville ,,kleiser ,author of ,how to ,speak in ,public ,,thirteenth ,,edition ,illustration ,,funk ,,wagnalls ,,company ,,new ,,york ,,and ,,london ,,copyright #aijh ,,by ,,funk ,,wagnalls ,,company ,printed in the ,united ,states of ,america ,published ,march1 #aijh ,,introductory ,in preparing this volume the author has been guided by his own platform experience extending over twelve years4 ,during that time he has given hundreds of public recitals before audiences of almost every description1 and in all parts of the country4 ,it may not be considered presumptuous1 therefore1 for him to offer some practical suggestions on the art of entertaining and holding an audience1 and to indicate certain selections which he has found have in themselves the elements of success4 ,the encore fiend1 as he is sometimes called1 is so ubiquitous and insistent that no speaker or reader can afford to ignore him1 and1 indeed1 must prepare for him in advance4 ,to find material that will satisfy him in one or in a dozen of the ordinary books of selections is an almost impossible task4 ,it is only too obvious that many compilations of the kind are put together by persons who have had little or no practical platform experience4 ,in an attempt to remedy this defect this volume has been prepared4 ,it is believed that the book will be valuable not only to the amateur and the professional reader1 speaker1 elocutionist1 and entertainer1 but also to the after-dinner and impromptu speaker1 the politician who wants to make a hit1 the business man who wishes to tell a good story and tell it effectively1 the school-teacher in arranging her ,friday ,afternoon programs1 as well as for reading aloud in the family circle1 and for many other occasions4 ,providing1 as this work does1 helpful hints on how to hold an audience1 it is hoped that the additional suggestions offered regarding the use of the voice and its modulation1 the art of pausing1 the development of feeling and energy1 the use of gesture and action1 the cultivation of the imagination1 the committing of selections to memory1 and the standing before an audience1 while not as elaborate and detailed as found in a regular manual of elocution1 will be of practical benefit to those who can not conveniently command the services of a personal instructor4 ,the author has been greatly assisted in this undertaking not only by the kind permission of publishers and authors to use their copyrighted work1 but also by the hearty cooperation of many distinguished platform speakers and readers who have generously contributed successful selections not hitherto published4 ,the author gratefully acknowledges the special permission granted him by the publishers to print the following copyright selections3 ,keep ,a-goin'6 the ,bobbs-,merrill ,company1 ,a ,modern ,romance1 the ,publishers of ,the ,smart ,set2 ,the ,fool's ,prayer1 ,houghton1 ,mifflin ,company2 ,mammy's ,li'l ,boy1 and ',spcially ,jim1 the ,century ,company2 ,counting ,one ,hundred1 the ,lothrop1 ,lee ,shepard ,company2 ,at ,five ,o'clock ,tea1 the ,publishers of ,lippincott's ,magazine4 ,,grenville ,,kleiser4 ,new ,york ,city1 ,february1 #aijh4 ,,contents ,,page ,,introductory v ,,part ,i--,,how ,,to ,,hold ,,an ,,audience ,,the ,,voice #d ,,the ,,breath #f ,,modulation #h ,,pausing #aj ,,feeling ,,and ,,energy #aa ,,gesture ,,and ,,action #ab ,,impersonation #ac ,,articulation ,,and ,,pronunciation #ac ,,imagination #ad ,,how ,,to ,,memorize ,a ,,selection #af ,,before ,,the ,,audience #ah ,,part ,,ii--,,humorous ,,hits ,,the ,,train-,,misser ,james ,whitcomb ,riley #bc ,,the ,,elocutionist',s ,,curfew ,w4 ,d4 ,nesbit #bd ,,melpomenus ,,jones ,stephen ,leacock #be ,,her ,,fifteen ,,minutes ,tom ,masson #bh ,,the ,,foxes' ,,tails ,anonymous #bi ,,the ,,dead ,,kitten #cc ,,the ,,weather ,,fiend #cd ,,the ,,race ,,question ,paul ,laurence ,dunbar #ce ,,when ,,the ,,woodbine ,,turns ,,red ,anonymous #ch ,,cupid',s ,,casuistry ,w4 ,j4 ,lampton #ci ,,when ,,mah ,,lady ,,yawns ,charles ,t4 ,grilley #ci ,,watchin' ,,the ,,sparkin' ,fred ,emerson ,brooks #dj ,,the ,,way ,,of ,a ,,woman ,byron ,w4 ,king #db ,,the ,,yacht ,,club ,,speech ,anonymous #dc ,,mammy',s ,,li',l' ,,boy ,h4 ,s4 ,edwards #dd ,,corydon ,thomas ,bailey ,aldrich #dg ,,gib ,,him ,,one ,,ub ,,mine ,daniel ,webster ,davis #di ,a ,,lesson ,,with ,,the ,,fan ,anonymous #ej ,,the ,,undertow ,carrie ,blake ,morgan #ea ,,marketing ,anonymous #eb ,a ,,spring ,,idyl ,,on ,,grass ,nixon ,waterman #eb ,,introducin' ,,the ,,speecher ,edwin ,l4 ,barker #ed ,,counting ,,one ,,hundred ,james ,m4 ,bailey #eg ,,they ,,never ,,quarreled ,anonymous #eh ,,song ,,of ,,the ,l ,grenville ,kleiser #fj ,,the ,,village ,,oracle ,j4 ,l4 ,harbour #fb ,,if ,i ,,can ,,be ,,by ,,her ,benjamin ,franklin ,king #fe ,,mccarthy ,,and ,,mcmanus ,anonymous #ff ,,and ,,she ,,cried ,minna ,irving #fh ,,dot ,,leedle ,,boy ,james ,whitcomb ,riley #fi ,,mr4 ,,dooley ,,on ,,the ,,grip ,finlay ,peter ,dunne #gc ,a ,,rainy ,,day ,,episode ,anonymous #ge ,i ,,knew ,,he ,,would ,,come ,,if ,i ,,waited ,h4 ,g4 ,williamson #gf ,,love',s ,,moods ,,and ,,senses ,anonymous #gg ,a ,,nocturnal ,,sketch ,thomas ,hood #gh ,,katie',s ,,answer ,anonymous #gi ',,sp,,cially ,,jim #hj ,,agnes1 ,i ,,love ,,thee6 #ha ,,the ,,gorilla #hb ,,banging ,a ,,sensational ,,novelist #hc ,,hopkins' ,,last ,,moments #hd ,,the ,,fairies' ,,tea #he ,,counting ,,eggs ,anonymous #hf ,,the ,,oatmobile #hg ,,almost ,,beyond ,,endurance ,james ,whitcomb ,riley #hi ,,proof ,,positive ,anonymous #ij ,,the ,,irish ,,philosopher #ia ,,belagcholly #ic ,a ,,pantomime ,,speech #ic ,,the ,,original ,,lamb #ie ,,when ,,pa ,,was ,a ,,boy ,s4 ,e4 ,kiser #ie ,,the ,,freckled-,,faced ,,girl ,anonymous #if ,,willie ,max ,ehrmann #ih ,,amateur ,,night ,anonymous #ih ,,bounding ,,the ,,united ,,states ,john ,fiske #aja ,,der ,,dog ,,und ,,der ,,lobster ,anonymous #ajb ,,he ,,laughed ,,last #ajc ,,norah ,,murphy ,,and ,,the ,,spirits ,henry ,hatton #ajd ,,opie ,,read ,wallace ,bruce ,amsbary #ajg ,,the ,,village ,,choir ,anonymous #ajh ,,billy ,,of ,,nebraska ,j4 ,w4 ,bengough #aaj ,,dot ,,lambs ,,vot ,,mary ,,haf ,,got ,anonymous #aab ,,georga ,,washingdone #aac ,,da ',,mericana ,,girl ,t4 ,a4 ,daly #aad ,,becky ,,miller ,anonymous #aae ,,pat ,,and ,,the ,,mayor #aaf ,,the ,,wind ,,and ,,the ,,moon ,george ,mac,donald #aah ,,total ,,annihilation ,anonymous #abj ,,ups ,,and ,,downs ,,of ,,married ,,life #aba ,,the ,,crooked ,,mouth ,,family #abb ,,imph-,m #abd ,,the ,,usual ,,way #abe ,,nothing ,,suited ,,him #abf ,a ,,litte ,,feller #abf ,,robin ,,tamson',s ,,smiddy ,alexander ,rodger #abg ,a ,,big ,,mistake ,anonymous #abi ,,lord ,,dundreary',s ,,letter #aca ,,slang ,,phrases #acc ,,the ,,merchant ,,and ,,the ,,book ,,agent #acd ,,the ,,coon',s ,,lullaby #acf ,,parody ,,on ,,barbara ,,frietchie #acg ,,before ,,and ,,after ,charles ,t4 ,grilley #aci ,,when ,,greek ,,meets ,,greek ,anonymous #adj ,,mr4 ,,potts' ,,story ,max ,adeler #ada ,,at ,,five ,o',,clock ,,tea ,morris ,wade #adc ,,keep ,a-,,goin'6 ,frank ,l4 ,stanton #ade ,a ,,lover',s ,,quarrel ,cynthia ,coles #adf ,,casey ,,at ,,the ,,bat ,phineas ,thayer #adg ,,familiar ,,lines ,anonymous #adi ,a ,,friendly ,,game ,,of ,,checkers #aej ,,modern ,,romance ,henry ,m4 ,blossom1 ,jr4 #aeb ,,lullaby ,paul ,laurence ,dunbar #aec ,,the ,,reason ,,why ,mary ,e4 ,bradley #aed ,,how ,a ,,bachelor ,,sews ,,on ,a ,,button ,anonymous #aed ,,christopher ,,columbus #aee ,,the ,,fly #aef ,,the ,,yarn ,,of ,,the ,,nancy ,,bell ,w4 ,s4 ,gilbert #aeg ,i ,,tol' ,,yer ,,so ,john ,l4 ,heaton #afj ,,you ,,git ,,up6 ,joe ,kerr #afa ,,presentation ,,of ,,the ,,trumpet ,anonymous #afb ,,don',t ,,use ,,big ,,words #afc ,,der ,,mule ,,shtood ,,on ,,der ,,steamboad ,,deck #afd ,,the ,,new ,,school ,,reader #afe ,,the ,,poor ,,was ,,mad ,charles ,battell ,loomis #afg ,,lides ,,to ,,bary ,,jade ,anonymous #afh ,,charlie ,,must ,,not ,,ring ,,to-,,night ,anonymous #afi ,a ,,short ,,encore #agj ,,my ,,double1 ,,and ,,how ,,he ,,undid ,,me ,edward ,everett ,hale #aga ,,romance ,,of ,a ,,hammock ,anonymous #agc ,,finnigin ,,to ,,flannigan ,s4 ,w4 ,gillinan #age ,,an ,,introduction ,mark ,twain #agg ,,the ,,harp ,,of ,a ,,thousand ,,strings ,joshua ,s4 ,morris #agg ,,the ,,difficulty ,,of ,,riming ,anonymous #agi ,,so ,,was ,i ,joseph ,bert ,smiley #aha ,,the ,,enchanted ,,shirt ,john ,hay #ahc ,,deb ,,oak ,,und ,,der ,,vine ,charles ,follen ,adams #ahe ,,the ,,ship ,,of ,,faith ,anonymous #ahg ,,he ,,wanted ,,to ,,know #ahh ,,an ,,opportunity #aij ,,gape-,,seed #aij ,,lariat ,,bill #aib ,,the ,,candidate ,bill ,nye #aic ,,one ,,afternoon ,anonymous #aif ,,not ,,in ,,it #aih ,a ,,twilight ,,idyl ,robert ,j4 ,burdette #aii ,,lavery',s ,,hens ,anonymous #bja ,,lisp #bjb ,,they ,,met ,,by ,,chance #bjc ,,the ,,bridegroom',s ,,toast #bjc ,,rehearsing ,,for ,,private ,,theatricals ,stanley ,huntley #bjd ,,the ,v-,a-,s-,e ,james ,jeffrey ,roche #bjf ,,papa ,,and ,,the ,,boy ,j4 ,l4 ,harbour #bjh ,,the ,,obstructive ,,hat ,,in ,,the ,,pit ,f4 ,anstey #baj ,,hullo ,s4 ,w4 ,foss #bac ,,the ,,dutchman',s ,,telephone ,anonymous #bad ,,doctor ,,marigold ,charles ,dickens #baf ,,the ,,ruling ,,passion ,william ,h4 ,siviter #bai ,,the ,,dutchman',s ,,serenade ,anonymous #bbj ,,widow ,,malone ,charles ,lever #bbb ,,his ,,leg ,,shot ,,off ,anonymous #bbd ,,the ,,stuttering ,,umpire ,the ,khan #bbe ,,the ,,man ,,who ,,will ,,make ,a ,,speech ,anonymous #bbg ,,carlotta ,,mia ,t4 ,a4 ,daly #bbh ,,the ,,vassar ,,girl ,wallace ,irwin #bbi ,a ,,short ,,sermon ,anonymous #bca ,a ,,lancashire ,,dialectic ,,sketch #bcb ,,his ,,blackstonian ,,circumlocution #bcc ,,katrina ,,likes ,,me ,,poody ,,vell #bcd ,,at ,,the ,,restaurant #bce ,a-,,feared ,,of ,a ,,gal #bcg ,,leaving ,,out ,,the ,,joke #bch ,,the ,,cyclopeedy ,eugene ,field #bci ,,echo ,john ,g4 ,saxe #bdd ,,our ,,railroads ,anonymous #bde ,,wakin' ,,the ,,young ',,uns ,john ,c4 ,boss #bdg ,,pat',s ,,reason ,anonymous #bdi ,,quit ,,your ,,foolin' #bej ,,she ,,would ,,be ,a ,,mason ,james ,l4 ,laughton #bea ,,henry ,,the ,,fifth',s ,,wooing ,shakespeare #bed ,,scene ,,from ,,the ,,rivals ,richard ,brinsley ,sheridan #beh ,,scenes ,,from ,,rip ,,van ,,winkle ,as ,recited by ,burbank #bfa ,,part ,,iii--,,serious ,,hits ,,if ,,we ,,had ,,the ,,time ,richard ,burton #bfg ,,the ,,fool',s ,,prayer ,edward ,rowland ,sill #bfh ,,the ,,eve ,,of ,,waterloo ,byron #bfi ,,the ,,wreck ,,of ,,the ,,julie ,,plante ,w4 ,h4 ,drummond #bga ,,father',s ,,way ,eugene ,field #bgb ,i ,,am ,,content ,carmen ,sylva ,translation #bgd ,,the ,,eagle',s ,,song ,richard ,mansfield #bge ,,break1 ,,break1 ,,break ,alfred1 ,lord ,tennyson #bgg ,,virginius ,macaulay #bgg ,,the ,,women ,,of ,,mumbles ,,head ,clement ,scott #bgi ,,william ,,tell ,,and ,,his ,,boy ,william ,baine #bhb ,,lasca ,f4 ,desprez #bhd ,,the ,,volunteer ,,organist ,s4 ,w4 ,foss #bhg ,,life ,,compared ,,to ,a ,,game ,,of ,,cards ,anonymous #bhi ,,old ,,daddy ,,turner #bij ,,the ,,tramp #bib ,,the ,,dandy ,,fifth ,f4 ,h4 ,gassaway #bic ,,on ,,lincoln ,walt ,whitman #bif ,,the ,,little ,,stowaway ,anonymous #bif ,,saint ,,crispian',s ,,day ,shakespeare #bii ,,the ,c',,rrect ,,card ,george ,r4 ,sims #cjj ,,the ,,engineer',s ,,story ,rosa ,h4 ,thorpe #cjc ,,the ,,face ,,upon ,,the ,,floor ,h4 ,antoine ,d',arcy #cjf ,,the ,,funeral ,,of ,,the ,,flowers ,t4 ,de ,witt ,talmage #cji ,,cato',s ,,soliloquy ,,on ,,immortality ,joseph ,addison #caa ,,opportunity ,john ,j4 ,ingalls #cab ,,opportunity',s ,,reply ,walter ,malone #cab ,,the ,,earl-,,king ,johann ,wolfgang ,von ,goethe #cac ,,carcassonne ,m4 ,e4 ,w4 ,sherwood #cad ,,the ,,musicians ,anonymous #cae ,,on ,,the ,,rappahannock #cag ,,como ,joaquin ,miller #cai ,,aux ,,italiens ,owen ,meredith #cbb ,,part ,i ,,how ,,to ,,hold ,,an ,,audience ,,how ,,to ,,hold ,,an ,,audience ,to hold the interest of an audience and to successfully entertain it--whether from public platform1 in fraternal organization1 by after-dinner speech1 or in the home circle--is a worthy accomplishment4 ,moreover1 the memorizing of selections and rendering them before an audience is one of the best preparations for the larger and more important work of public speaking4 ,many of our most successful after-dinner speakers depend almost entirely upon their ability to tell a good story4 ,the art of reciting and story-telling has become so popular in recent years that a wide-spread demand has arisen for books of selections and suggestions for rendering them4 ,material suitable for encores has been particularly difficult to find4 ,it is thought1 therefore1 that the present volume1 containing as it does a great variety of short numbers1 will meet with approval4 ,there is1 perhaps1 no talent that is more entertaining and more instructive than that of reciting aloud specimens of prose and poetry1 both humorous and serious1 from our best writers4 ,channing says3 ,is there not an amusement1 having an affinity with the drama1 which might be usefully introduced among us8 ,i mean1 ,recitation4 ,a work of genius1 recited by a man of fine taste1 enthusiasm1 and powers of elocution1 is a very pure and high gratification4 ,were this art cultivated and encouraged1 great numbers1 now insensible to the most beautiful compositions1 might be waked up to their excellence and power4 ,it is not easy to conceive of a more effectual way of spreading a refined taste through a community4 ,the drama undoubtedly appeals more strongly to the passions than recitation2 but the latter brings out the meaning of the author more4 ,shakespeare1 worthily recited1 would be better understood than on the stage4 ,recitation1 sufficiently varied1 so as to include pieces of chaste wit1 as well as of pathos1 beauty1 and sublimity1 is adapted to our present intellectual progress4 ,to recite well1 and to be able to hold an audience1 one should be trained in the proper use of the voice and body in expression4 ,this requires painstaking study and preparation4 ,it is a mistake to suppose that much can be safely left to impulse and the inspiration of the occasion4 ,with all great artists everything is premeditated1 studied1 and rehearsed beforehand4 ,salvini1 the great ,italian tragedian1 said to the pupils in his art3 ,above all1 study1--study1--,,study4 ,all the genius in the world will not help you along with any art1 unless you become a hard student4 ,it has taken me years to master a single part4 ,,the ,,voice ,the voice can be rapidly and even wonderfully developed by practising for a few minutes daily exercises prescribed in any good manual of elocution4#a ,learn to speak in the natural voice4 ,if it is high-pitched1 nasal1 thin1 or unmusical1 these defects can be overcome by patient and judicious practise4 ,do not assume an artificial voice1 except in impersonation4 ,remember that intelligent audiences demand intelligent expression1 and will not tolerate the ranting1 bombast1 and unnatural style of declamation of former days4 ,many people speak with half-shut teeth and mouth4 ,open the mouth and throat freely2 liberate all the muscles around the vocal apparatus4 ,aim to speak with ease1 and endeavor to improve the voice in depth1 purity1 roundness1 and flexibility4 ,daily conversation offers the best opportunity for this practise4 ,a writer recently said3 ,only a very1 very few of us ,americans speak ,english as the ,english do4 ,we have our own 'accent1' as it is called4 ,we are a nervous1 eager1 strident people4 ,we know it1 tho we do not relish having foreigners tell us about it4 ,we speak not mellowly1 not with lax tongues and palates1 but sharply1 shrilly1 with hardened mouth and with tones forced back upon the palate4 ,we strangulate two-thirds of our vowels and swallow half the other third4 ,pure1 round1 sonorous tones are almost never heard in our daily speech4 ,speak from the abdomen4 ,all the effort1 all the motive power1 should come from the waist and abdominal muscles4 ,these are made to stand the strain that is so often incorrectly put upon the muscles of the throat4 ,aim at a forward tone2 that is1 send your voice out to some distant object1 imaginary or otherwise1 without unduly elevating the pitch4 ,the voice should strike against the hard palate1 the hard bony arch just above the upper teeth4 ,most of the practising should be done on the low pitches4 ,if there is any serious physical defect of the throat or nose1 consult a reliable physician4 ,do not overtax the voice4 ,three periods of ten minutes each are better than an hour's practise at one time4 ,stop at the first sign of weariness4 ,do not practise within an hour after eating4 ,avoid the habitual use of lozenges4 ,there is nothing better for the throat than a gargle of salt and water1 used night and morning4 ,dash cold water on the outside of the throat and rub it vigorously with a coarse towel4 ,footnote #a3 ,see ,how to ,speak in ,public4 a complete manual of elocution1 by ,grenville ,kleiser4 ,published by ,funk ,wagnalls ,company4 ,price1 #a4be net4 ,,the ,,breath ,the proper management of the breath is an important part of good speaking4 ,some teachers say the air should be inhaled on all occasions exclusively through the nose4 ,this is practically impossible while in the act of speaking4 ,the aim should be to speak on full lungs as much as possible2 therefore a breath must be taken at every opportunity4 ,this is done during the pauses1 but often the time is so short that the speaker will find it necessary to use both mouth and nose to get a full supply of air4 ,the breathing should be inaudible4 ,practise deep breathing until it becomes an unconscious habit4 ,in taking in the breath the abdomen and chest both expand1 and in giving out the breath the abdomen and chest both contract4 ,by this method of respiration the abdomen is used as a kind of bellows1 and the strain is taken entirely off the throat4 ,the breathing should be done without noticeable effort and without raising the shoulders4 ,whenever possible the breathing should be long and deep4 ,while speaking1 endeavor to hold back in the lungs1 or reservoir1 the supply of air1 feeding it very gradually to the vocal cords in just the quantity required for a given tone4 ,reciting aloud1 when properly done1 is a healthful exercise1 and the voice should grow and improve through use2 but to speak on half-filled lungs1 or from the throat1 is distressing and often injurious4 ,keep your shoulders well thrown back1 head erect1 chin level1 arms loosely at the sides1 and in walking throw the leg out from the hip with easy1 confident movement4 ,the weight of the body should be on the ball of the foot1 altho the whole foot touches the floor4 ,the breathing should be deep1 smooth1 and deliberate4 ,when the breath is not being used in speech1 breathe exclusively through the nose4 ,this is particularly desirable during the hours of sleep4 ,as someone has said1 if you awake at night and find your mouth open1 get up and shut it4 ,a well-known ,english authority on elocution says that as a golden rule for the preservation of the health1 he considers the habit of breathing through the nose invaluable if not imperative4 ,air1 which is the breath of life1 has always floating in it also the seeds of death4 ,the nose is a filter and deodorizer1 in passing through which the air is cleansed and sent pure into the lungs4 ,the nose warms the air as well as purifies it1 and thus prevents it from being breathed in that raw1 damp state which is so injurious to those whose lungs are delicate4 ,speak immediately upon opening your mouth4 ,try to turn into pure-toned voice every particle of breath you give out4 ,replenish the lungs every time you pause4 ,light gymnastics1 brisk walking1 running1 horseback riding1 and other exercise will improve your breathing capacity4 ,,modulation ,modulation simply means change of voice4 ,these changes1 however1 must be intelligent and appropriate to the thought4 ,monotony--speaking in one tone--must be avoided4 ,the speaker should have the ability to raise or lower the pitch of his voice at will1 as well as to vary it in force1 intensity1 inflection1 etc4 ,do not confuse pitch with force4 ,pitch refers to the key of the speaking voice1 while force relates to the loudness of the voice4 ,the movement or rate of speaking should be varied to suit the particular thought4 ,it would be ridiculous to describe a horse-race in the slow1 measured tones of a funeral procession4 ,most of your speaking should be done in the middle and lower registers2 but the higher pitches1 altho not so often required1 must be trained so as to be ready for use4 ,these higher tones are frequently thin and unmusical1 but they can be made full and firm through practise4 ,it is not necessary to study many rules for inflection4 ,the speaker should know in a general way that when the sense is suspended the voice follows this tendency and runs up1 and when the sense is completed the voice runs down4 ,in other words1 the voice should simply be in agreement with the tendency of the thought1 whether it opens up or closes down4 ,the lengths of inflection vary according to the thought and the required emphasis4 ,for most occasions the speaking should be clear-cut and deliberate4 ,the larger the room or hall1 the slower should be the speech1 to give the vocal vibrations time to travel4 ,dwelling on words too long1 drawling1 or over precision in articulation1 is tedious to an audience4 ,the other extreme1 undue haste1 suggests lack of self-control1 and is fatal to successful effort4 ,of course this does not apply to special selections demanding rapid speech4 ,there are numerous words in ,english that represent or at least suggest their meaning in their sound4 ,one who aims to read or recite well should study these effects so as to use them skilfully and with judgment4 ,the most complete and concise treatment on the subject of expression is perhaps that given in ,hamlet's advice to the players when he says3 ,speak the speech1 ,i pray you1 as ,i pronounced it to you--trippingly on the tongue2 but if you mouth it1 as many of your players do1 ,i had as lief the town crier spoke my lines4 ,nor do not saw the air too much with your hand1 thus2 but use all gently3 for in the very torrent1 tempest1 and as ,i may say whirlwind of your passion1 you must acquire and beget a temperance that may give it smoothness4 ,o6 it offends me to the soul1 to hear a robustious periwig-pated fellow tear a passion to tatters1 to very rags1 to split the ears of the groundlings2 who1 for the most part1 are capable of nothing but inexplicable dumb-shows1 and noise4 ,i would have such a fellow whipped for o'erdoing ,termagant2 it out-herods ,herod3 pray you1 avoid it4444 ,be not too tame neither1 but let your own discretion be your tutor3 suit the action to the word1 the word to the action1 with this special observance1 that you o'erstep not the modesty of nature2 for anything so overdone is from the purpose of playing1 whose end1 both at the first1 and now1 was1 and is1 to hold1 as 't were1 the mirror up to nature2 to show virtue her own feature1 scorn her own image1 and the very age and body of the time1 his form and pressure4 ,now1 this overdone1 or come tardy off1 tho it make the unskilful laugh1 can not but make the judicious grieve2 the censure of the which one must1 in your allowance1 o'erweigh a whole theater of others4 ,o6 there be players1 that ,i have seen play--and heard others praise1 and that highly--not to speak it profanely1 that1 neither having the accent of ,christians1 nor the gait of ,christian1 pagan1 nor man1 have so strutted and bellowed1 that ,i have thought some of nature's journeymen had made men1 and not made them well1 they imitated humanity so abominably4 ,,pausing ,words naturally divide themselves into groups according to their meaning4 ,grammatical pauses indicate the construction of language1 while rhetorical pauses mark more particularly the natural divisions in the sense4 ,to jumble words together1 or to rattle them off in rapid-fire style1 is not an entertaining performance4 ,proper pausing secures economy of the listener's attention1 and is as desirable in spoken as in written language4 ,pauses should vary in frequency and duration4 ,it should be remembered that words are only symbols1 and that the speaker should concern himself seriously about the thought which these symbols represent4 ,the concept behind the sign is the important thing4 ,the fine art of pausing can be acquired only after long and faithful study4 ,then it may become an unconscious habit4 ,an old rime on this subject is worth repeating3 ,in pausing1 ever let this rule take place1 ,never to separate words in any case ,that are less separable than those you join2 ,and1 which imports the same1 not to combine ,such words together1 as do not relate ,so closely as the words you separate4 ,,feeling ,,and ,,energy ,before you can properly feel what you say you must understand it4 ,artificial and imitative methods do not produce enduring results4 ,in studying a passage or selection for recitation1 the imagination must be kindled1 the feelings stimulated1 and the mind trained to concentrate upon the thought until it is experienced4 ,this subjective work should always precede the attempt at objective expression4 ,everything must first be conceived1 pictured1 and experienced in the mind4 ,when this is done with intelligence1 sincerity1 and earnestness1 there should be little difficulty in giving true and adequate expression to thought4 ,in all speaking that is worth the while there must be energy1 force1 and life4 ,the speaker should be wide-awake1 alert1 palpitating4 ,a speaker--and this applies to the reciter and elocutionist--should be1 as someone has said1 an animal galvanic battery on two legs4#b ,he must know what he is about4 ,he must be in east4 ,make a distinction between loudness and intensity4 ,often the best effects are produced by suggesting power in reserve rather than giving the fullest outward expression4 ,intensity in reading or reciting is secured chiefly through concentration and a thorough grasp of the thought4 ,endeavor to put yourself into your voice4 ,do not forget that deep1 concentrated feeling is never loud4 ,avoid shouting1 ranting1 and tearing a passion to tatters4 ,go to nature for models4 ,ask what one would do in real life in uttering the thoughts under consideration4 ,the emotions must be brought under control by frequent practise4 ,joy1 sorrow1 anger1 fear1 surprize1 terror1 and other feelings are as colors to the artist and must be made ready for instant use4 ,to quote ,richard ,mansfield3 ,when you are enacting a part1 think of your voice as a color1 and1 as you paint your picture 7the character you are painting1 the scene you are portraying71 mix your colors4 ,you have on your palate a white voice1 la voix blanche2 a heavenly1 ethereal or blue voice1 the voice of prayer2 a disagreeable1 jealous1 or yellow voice2 a steel-gray voice1 for quiet sarcasm2 a brown voice of hopelessness2 a lurid1 red voice of hot rage2 a deep1 thunderous voice of black2 a cheery voice1 the color of the green sea that a brisk breeze is crisping2 and then there is a pretty little pink voice1 and shades of violet--but the subject is endless4 ,footnote #b3 ,see ,before an ,audience1 by ,nathan ,sheppard4 ,published by ,funk ,wagnalls ,company4 ,price1 #ge cents4 ,,gesture ,,and ,,action ,no better advice can be given upon this subject than to ,suit the action to the word2 the word to the action4 ,unless a gesture in some way helps in the expression and understanding of a thought1 it should be omitted4 ,gesture is not a mere ornament1 but a natural and necessary part of true expression4 ,the arms and hands should be trained to perform their work gracefully1 promptly1 and effectively4 ,if too many gestures are used they lose their force and meaning4 ,furthermore1 too many gestures confuse and annoy the auditor4 ,gesture should be practised1 preferably before a looking-glass1 so thoroughly beforehand as to make it an unconscious act when the speaker comes before his audience4 ,the correct standing position is to have one foot slightly in advance of the other4 ,the taller the person1 the broader should be the base or width between the feet4 ,the body should be erect but not rigid4 ,in repose the arms should drop naturally at the sides4 ,except in the act of gesticulating do not try to put the hands anywhere1 and above all1 if a man1 not in the pockets4 ,,impersonation ,the aim here should be to lose one's self in the part4 ,to subordinate one's tones1 gestures1 and manners1 and to live the character for the time being1 requires no mean ability4 ,impersonation calls for imagination1 insight1 concentration1 and adaptability4 ,the impersonator must be all at it1 and at it all1 during the whole time he is impersonating the character4 ,to fathom the depths of character1 said ,macready1 the distinguished ,english actor1 to trace its latent motives1 to feel its finest quiverings of emotion1 to comprehend the thoughts that are hidden under words1 and thus possess one's self of the actual mind of the individual man1 is the highest reach of the player's art1 and is an achievement that ,i have discerned but in few4 ,kean--when under the impulse of his genius he seemed to clutch the whole idea of the man--was an extraordinary instance among those possessing the faculty of impersonation4 ,where dialect is used it should be closely studied from life4 ,stage representations of foreign character are not always trustworthy models4 ,,articulation ,,and ,,pronunciation ,articulate and pronounce correctly and distinctly without being pedantic4 ,the organs of articulation--teeth1 tongue1 lips1 and palate--should be trained to rapidly and accurately repeat various sets of elements1 until any combination of sounds1 no matter how difficult1 can be uttered with facility1 accuracy1 and precision4 ,a standard dictionary should be consulted whenever there is a doubt either about the meaning or the pronunciation of a word4 ,as to the standard of pronunciation1 the speaker should consider at least these three things3 7#a7 authority1 7#b7 custom1 and 7#c7 personal taste4 ,there are many words commonly mispronounced1 but only a few can be referred to here3 ,do not say ,toos-day or ,chews-day for ,tuesday2 ur-ride for ride2 i-ron for i-urn2 wus for was2 thun for than2 subjict for subject2 awf-fiss for off-fiss2 fig-ger for figure2 to-wards for tords2 dook for duke2 ketch for catch2 day-po for de-po2 ab'domen for abdo'men2 advertise'ment for adver'tisement2 ly'ceum for lyce'um2 oc'cult for occult'2 often for of'n2 sence for since2 sujgest for suggest2 wownd for woond2 wether for whether2 sen'ile for se'nile2 ad'dress for address'2 il'lustrate for illus'trate2 ker-own for crown2 winder for window2 sor for saw2 wickud for wicked2 ingine for engine2 ontil for until4 ,words should drop from the mouth like newly-made coins from the mint4 ,practising on words of several syllables is helpful4 ,some such as these will serve as examples3 particularly1 unconstitutional1 incompatibility1 unnecessarily1 voluminous1 overwhelmingly1 sesquipedalian1 etc4 ,,imagination ,the ability to make vivid mental pictures of what one recites is of great value to both reader and hearer4 ,everyone has this faculty to some degree1 but few develop it as it should be developed for use in speaking4 ,the clearer the mental picture the speaker has in mind the more vivid will it be to the hearer4 ,practise making mental images with pictures that appeal strongly to you4 ,try to see everything in detail4 ,if at first the impressions are obscure1 persevere in your practise and substantial results will surely come4 ,dr4 ,silas ,neff gives a splendid illustration of this kind that can be effectively used for practise3 ,a woodman once lived with his family near a shallow stream which flowed between high banks and in the middle of which1 opposite his house1 was an island4 ,half a mile up the stream was a dam which supplied water for a saw-mill a hundred yards below4 ,one morning after the father had gone to the mill to work1 leaving his wife in the back yard washing some little garments1 their two little boys clambered down the bank and waded through the water to the island where they had spent many happy hours in play4 ,about the middle of the forenoon1 from some unknown cause1 the wall of the dam suddenly gave way1 the water plunging through and nearly filling the banks of the stream4 ,the father in the mill heard the noise and looking out saw what had happened4 ,immediately thinking of his boys he dashed out1 hat and coat off1 on an awful race down the creek to save their lives4 ,the water after leaving the dam flowed rather slowly for some time and he was soon quite a distance ahead1 but he knew that unless he gained very rapidly here1 the descent being much greater farther down1 the water would overtake his boys before he could reach them4 ,his wife suddenly looked up as the agonizing cries of her husband fell upon her ear4 ,she rushed to the front yard4 ,in quick succession she distinguished the words1 ',get the boys6' ,the father was a few hundred yards from his home4 ,the water had reached the rapid part of the stream but some distance behind the man4 ,the wife on hearing the words1 tho not knowing what was wrong1 jumped down the bank and ran through the water1 shrieking to the boys4 ,just as she reached the island they ran to her and1 without uttering a word1 she took one under each arm and started back as wildly as she came4 ,when half way over she saw her husband dashing out from the edge of the woods and the water not twenty feet behind him4 ,they met at the top of the bank1 the father grasped wife and children in his arms and the water passed harmlessly by4#c ,footnote #c3 ,talks on ,education and ,oratory1 by ,silas ,s4 ,neff1 ,neff ,college of ,oratory1 ,philadelphia1 ,pa4 ,,how ,,to ,,memorize ,a ,,selection ,do not learn a selection simply by rote--that is1 by repeating it parrot-like over and over again--but fix it in the mind by a careful and detailed analysis of the thought4 ,as you practise aloud1 train your eye to take in as many words as possible1 then look away from the book as you recite them aloud4 ,this will give the memory immediate practise and will tend to make it self-reliant4 ,having chosen a selection1 read it over first in a general way to secure an impression of it in its entirety4 ,then read it a second time1 giving particular attention to each part4 ,consult a dictionary for the correct meaning and pronunciation of every word about which you are in doubt4 ,next underline the emphatic words--those which you think best express the most important thoughts4 ,underscoring one line for emphatic words and two lines for the most emphatic will do for this purpose4 ,now indicate the various pauses1 both grammatical and rhetorical1 by drawing short perpendicular lines between the words where they occur4 ,in a general way use one line for a short pause1 two lines for a medium pause1 and three lines for a long pause4 ,on the margin of the selection you may make other notes1 such as the dominant feeling1 transitions1 changes of rate1 force and pitch1 special effects1 gestures1 facial expression1 etc4 ,there is1 of course1 nothing arbitrary about this work of analysis4 ,its purpose is to make the student think1 to analyze1 to be painstaking4 ,the following annotated selection should be carefully considered4 ,words on which chief emphasis is to be placed are printed in small capitals2 those on which less emphasis is to be placed1 in italics4 ,it is not intended to be mechanical1 but suggestive4 ,after a few selections have been analyzed in this way1 pausing and emphasis1 and many other elements of expression1 will largely take care of themselves4 ,to ,,be or ,,not to be1 that is the question3-- ,whether 't is nobler in the mind1 to suffer ,the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune2 ,or to take arms against a sea of troubles1 ,and by opposing end them8 --,to ,,die1-- to ,,sleep1 ,no more2-- and1 by a sleep1 to say we end ,the heart-ache1 and the thousand natural shocks ,that flesh is heir to1-- 't is a consummation ,devoutly to be wish'd4 ,to ,,die1-- to ,,sleep3-- ,to ,,sleep perchance to ,,dream3 ay1 there's the rub2 ,for in that sleep of death what dreams ,,may come1 ,when we have shuffled off this mortal coil1 ,must give us pause4 ,there's the respect1 ,that makes calamity of so long life3 ,for who would bear the whips and scorns of time1 ,the oppressor's wrong1 the proud man's contumely1 ,the pangs of despis'd love1 the law's delay1 ,the insolence of office1 and the spurns ,that patient merit of the unworthy takes1 ,when he himself might his quietus make ,with a bare bodkin8 who'd these fardels bear1 ,to grunt and sweat under a weary life1 ,but that the dread of ,,something after death-- ,the undiscover'd country1 from whose bourn ,no traveler returns1-- puzzles the will1 ,and makes us rather bear those ills we have1 ,than fly to others that we know not of8 ,thus ,,conscience does make ,,cowards of us all2 ,and thus the native hue of resolution ,is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought2 ,and enterprises of great pith and moment ,with this regard their currents turn awry1 ,and lose the name of ,,action4 ,,before ,,the ,,audience ,as you present yourself to your audience1 bow slightly and graciously from the waist4 ,be courteous1 but not servile4 ,avoid haste and familiarity4 ,be punctilious in dress and deportment1 and be prompt in keeping your appointments4 ,be sure you have everything ready in advance4 ,if you have to use any properties1 such as a table1 chair1 eye-glass1 books1 reading-stand1 coat1 hat1 gloves1 letters1 etc41 see that everything is provided and in its place before the time set for your appearance4 ,success often depends upon the judicious choice of selections for the occasion4 ,what will be acceptable to one audience may not please another4 ,the sentiment and the length of selections depend upon the time and place where they are to be given4 ,when an audience expects to be entertained with humorous recitations1 to announce in a sepulchral voice that you will give them a poem of your own composition1 entitled ,the ,three ,corpses1 of melancholy character1 is likely to send a chill of disappointment through them4 ,never keep your audience waiting4 ,if an encore is demanded1 return and bow1 or if the demand is insistent1 give another number1 preferably a short one4 ,do not be too eager to give encores2 if the applause is not insistent1 a bow will suffice4 ,,part ,,ii ,,humorous ,,hits ,,the ,,train-,,misser ,,by ,,james ,,whitcomb ,,riley ',ll where in the world my eyes has bin-- ,ef ,i haint missed that train agin6 ,chuff6 and whistle6 and toot6 and ring6 ,but blast and blister the dasted train6-- ,how it does it ,i can't explain6 ,git here thirty-five minutes before ,the dern thing's due6--and1 drat the thing6 ,it'll manage to git past--shore6 ,the more ,i travel around1 the more ,i got no sense6-- ,to stand right here ,and let it beat me6 ',ll ding my melts6 ,i got no gumption1 ner nothin' else6 ,ticket-agent's a dad-burned bore6-- ,sell you a ticket's all they keer6-- ,ticket-agents ort to all be ,prosecuted--and that's jes' what6-- ,how'd ,i know which train's fer me8 ,and how'd ,i know which train was not8-- ,goern and comin' and gone astray1 ,and backin' and switchin' ever'-which-way6 ,ef ,i could jes' sneak round behind ,myse'f1 where ,i could git full swing1 ,i'd lift my coat1 and kick1 by jing6 ,till ,i jes' got jerked up and fined6-- ,fer here ,i stood1 as a dern fool's apt ,to1 and let that train jes' chuff and choo ,right apast me--and mouth jes' gapped ,like a blamed old sandwitch warped in two6 ,afterwhiles1 copyright #ahih1 ,the ,bobbs-,merrill ,company4 ,used by special permission of the publishers4 ,,the ,,elocutionist',s ,,curfew ,,by ,w4 ,d4 ,,nesbit ,england's sun was slowly setting--7,raise your right hand to your brow71 ,filling all the land with beauty--7,wear a gaze of rapture now72 ,and the last rays kissed the forehead of a man and maiden fair 7,with a movement slow and graceful you may now push back your hair72 ,he with sad1 bowed head--7,a drooping of your head will be all right1 ,till you hoarsely1 sadly whisper7--,curfew must not ring to-night4 ,sexton1 ,bessie's white lips faltered--7,try here to resemble ,bess1 ,tho of course you know she'd never worn quite such a charming dress71 ,i've a lover in that prison--7,don't forget to roll your r's ,and to shiver as tho gazing through the iron prison bars71 ,cromwell will not come till sunset--7,speak each word as tho you'd bite ,every syllable to pieces7--,curfew must not ring to-night4 ,bessie1 calmly spoke the sexton--7,here extend your velvet palm1 ,let it tremble like the sexton's as tho striving to be calm71 ,long1 long y'ars ,i've rung the curfew--7,don't forget to make it y'ars ,with a pitiful inflection that a world of sorrow bears71 ,i have done my duty ever--7,draw yourself up to your height1 ,for you're speaking as the sexton7--,gyurl1 the curfew rings to-night6 ,out she swung1 far out--7,now here is where you've got to do your best2 ,let your head be twisted backward1 let great sobs heave up your chest1 ,swing your right foot through an arc of ninety lineal degrees1 ,then come down and swing your left foot1 and be sure don't bend your knees2 ,keep this up for fifteen minutes till your face is worn and white1 ,then gaze at your mangled fingers7--,curfew shall not ring to-night6 ,o'er the distant hills came ,cromwell--7,right hand to the brow once more2 ,let your eyes look down the distance1 say above the entrance door7-- ,at his foot she told her story--7,lift your hands as tho they hurt7-- ,and her sweet young face so haggard--7,now your pathos you assert1 ,then you straighten up as ,cromwell1 and be sure you get it right2 ,don't say ,go1 your liver loves67--well3 ,curfew shall not ring to-night6 ,reprinted from ,harper's ,magazine1 by permission of ,harper and ,brothers4 ,,melpomenus ,,jones ,,by ,,stephen ,,leacock ,some people find great difficulty in saying good-by when making a call or spending the evening4 ,as the moment draws near when the visitor feels that he is fairly entitled to go away1 he rises and says abruptly1 ,well1 ,i think---- ,then the people say1 ,oh1 must you go now8 ,surely it's early yet6 and a pitiful struggle ensues4 ,i think the saddest case of this kind of thing that ,i ever knew was that of my poor friend ,melpomenus ,jones1 a curate--such a dear young man and only twenty-three6 ,he simply couldn't get away from people4 ,he was too modest to tell a lie1 and too religious to wish to appear rude4 ,now it happened that he went to call on some friends of his on the very first afternoon of his summer vacation4 ,the next six weeks were entirely his own--absolutely nothing to do4 ,he chatted a while1 drank two cups of tea1 then braced himself for the effort and said suddenly3 ,well1 ,i think ,i---- ,but the lady of the house said1 ,oh1 no1 ,mr4 ,jones1 can't you really stay a little longer8 ,jones was always truthful--,oh1 yes1 of course1 ,i--er--can4 ,then please don't go4 ,he stayed4 ,he drank eleven cups of tea4 ,night was falling4 ,he rose again4 ,well1 now1 ,i think ,i really---- ,you must go8 ,i thought perhaps you could have stayed to dinner---- ,oh1 well1 so ,i could1 you know1 if---- ,then please stay2 ,i'm sure my husband will be delighted4 ,all right1 ,i'll stay2 and he sank back into his chair1 just full of tea1 and miserable4 ,father came home4 ,they had dinner4 ,all through the meal ,jones sat planning to leave at eight-thirty4 ,all the family wondered whether ,mr4 ,jones was stupid and sulky1 or only stupid4 ,after dinner mother undertook to draw him out and showed him photographs4 ,she showed him all the family museum1 several gross of them--photos of father's uncle and his wife1 and mother's brother and his little boy1 and awfully interesting photos of father's uncle's friend in his ,bengal uniform1 an awfully well-taken photo of father's grandfather's partner's dog1 and an awfully wicked one of father as the devil for a fancy-dress ball4 ,at eight-thirty ,jones had examined seventy-one photographs4 ,there were about sixty-nine more that he hadn't4 ,jones rose4 ,i must say good-night now1 he pleaded4 ,say good-night6 why it's only half-past eight6 ,have you anything to do8 ,nothing1 he admitted1 and muttered something about staying six weeks1 and then laughed miserably4 ,just then it turned out that the favorite child of the family1 such a dear little romp1 had hidden ,mr4 ,jones' hat2 so father said that he must stay1 and invited him to a pipe and a chat4 ,father had the pipe and gave ,jones the chat1 and still he stayed4 ,every moment he meant to take the plunge1 but couldn't4 ,then father began to get very tired of ,jones1 and fidgeted and finally said1 with jocular irony1 that ,jones had better stay all night--they could give him a shake-down4 ,jones mistook his meaning and thanked him with tears in his eyes1 and father put ,jones to bed in the spare-room and curst him heartily4 ,after breakfast next day1 father went off to his work in the city and left ,jones playing with the baby1 broken-hearted4 ,his nerve was utterly gone4 ,he was meaning to leave all day1 but the thing had got on his mind and he simply couldn't4 ,when father came home in the evening he was surprized and chagrined to find ,jones still there4 ,he thought to jockey him out with a jest1 and said he thought he'd have to charge him for his board1 he6 he6 ,the unhappy young man stared wildly for a moment1 then wrung father's hand1 paid him a month's board in advance1 and broke down and sobbed like a child4 ,in the days that followed he was moody and unapproachable4 ,he lived1 of course1 entirely in the drawing-room1 and the lack of air and exercise began to tell sadly on his health4 ,he passed his time in drinking tea and looking at photographs4 ,he would stand for hours together gazing at the photograph of father's uncle's friend in his ,bengal uniform--talking to it1 sometimes swearing bitterly at it4 ,his mind was visibly failing4 ,at length the crash came4 ,they carried him up-stairs in a raging delirium of fever4 ,the illness that followed was terrible4 ,he recognized no one1 not even father's uncle's friend in his ,bengal uniform4 ,at times he would start up from his bed and shriek3 ,well1 ,i think ,i---- and then fall back upon the pillow with a horrible laugh4 ,then1 again1 he would leap up and cry3 ,another cup of tea and more photographs6 ,more photographs6 ,hear6 ,hear6 ,at length1 after a month of agony1 on the last day of his vacation he passed away4 ,they say that when the last moment came1 he sat up in bed with a beautiful smile of confidence playing upon his face1 and said3 ,well--the angels are calling me2 ,i'm afraid ,i really must go now4 ,good afternoon4 ,,her ,,fifteen ,,minutes ,,by ,,tom ,,masson ,at exactly fifteen minutes to eight ,his step was heard at the garden gate4 ,and then1 with heart that was light and gay1 ,he laughed to himself in a jubilant way1 ,and rang the bell for the maiden trim ,who'd promised to go to the play with him2 ,and told the servant1 with joyous air1 ,to say there were fifteen minutes to spare4 ,and then for fifteen minutes he sat ,in the parlor dim1 and he held his hat1 ,and waited and sighed for the maiden trim ,who'd promised to go to the play with him1 ,until1 as the clock overhead struck eight1 ,he muttered3 ,great ,scott6 it is getting late2 ,and took a turn on the parlor floor1 ,and waited for fifteen minutes more2 ,and thought of those seats in the front parquet4 ,and midnight came1 and the break of day2 ,that day and the next1 and the next one1 too1 ,he sat and waited the long hours through4 ,then time flew on and the years sped by1 ,and still he sat1 with expectant eye ,and lengthening beard1 for the maiden trim ,who'd promised to go to the play with him2 ,until one night1 as with palsied hand ,he sat in the chair1 for he couldn't stand1 ,and drummed in an aimless way1 she came ,and opened the door with her withered frame4 ,the moon's bright rays touched the silvered hair ,of her who had fifteen minutes to spare4 ,and then in tones that he strained to hear1 ,she spoke1 and she said3 ,are you ready1 dear8 ,reprinted by permission of ,life ,publishing ,company4 ,,the ,,foxes' ,,tails ,,anonymous ,minister--,weel1 ,sandy1 man2 and how did ye like the sermon the day8 ,precentor--,eh8 ,minister--,what did you think o' the discourse as a whole8 ,precentor--,all ,i was gaun to say was jeest this1 that every noo and then in your discoorse the day--,i dinna say oftener than noo and then--jeest occasionally--it struck me that there was maybe--frae time to time--jeest a wee bit o' exaggeration4 ,minister--,exagger--what1 ,sir8 ,precentor--,weel1 maybe that's ower strong a word1 ,i dinna want to offend ye4 ,i mean jeest--amplification1 like4 ,minister--,exaggeration6 amplification6 ,what the deil mischief d'ye mean1 ,sir8 ,precentor--,there1 there1 there6 ,i'll no say anither word4 ,i dinna mean to rouse ye like that4 ,all ,i meant to say was that you jeest streetched the pint a wee bit4 ,minister--,streetched the pint6 ,d'ye mean to say1 ,sir1 that ,i tell lees8 ,precentor--,oh6 no1 no1 no--but ,i didna gang sae far as a' that4 ,minister--,ye went quite far enough1 ,sir4 ,sandy1 ,i call upon you1 if ever ye should hear me say another word out o' joint1 to pull me up there and then4 ,precentor--,losh6 ,sir2 but how could ,i pull ye up i' the kirk8 ,minister--,ye can give me sort o' a signal4 ,precentor--,how could ,i gie ye a signal i' the kirk8 ,minister--,ye could make some kind o' a noise4 ,precentor--,a noise i' the kirk8 ,minister--,ay4 ,ye're sittin' just down aneath me1 ye ken2 so ye might just put up your held1 and give a bit whustle 7whistles71 like that4 ,precentor--,a whustle6 ,minister--,ay1 a whustle6 ,precentor--,but would it no be an awfu' sin8 ,minister--,hoots1 man2 doesna the wind whustle on the ,sawbbath8 ,precentor--,ay2 ,i never thought o' that afore4 ,yes1 the wind whustles4 ,minister--,well1 just a wee bit soughing whustle like the wind 7whistles softly74 ,precentor--,well1 if there's nae harm in 't1 ,i'll do my best4 ,so1 ultimately1 it was agreed between the minister and precentor1 that the first word of exaggeration from the pulpit was to elicit the signal from the desk below4 ,next ,sunday came4 ,had the minister only stuck to his sermon that day1 he would have done very well4 ,but it was his habit1 before the sermon1 to read a chapter from the ,bible1 adding such remarks and explanations of his own as he thought necessary4 ,on the present occasion he had chosen one that bristled with difficulties4 ,it was that chapter which describes ,samson as catching three hundred foxes1 tying them tail to tail1 setting firebrands in their midst1 starting them among the standing corn of the ,philistines1 and burning it down4 ,as he closed the description1 he shut the book1 and commenced the eloocidation as follows3 ,my dear freends1 ,i daresay you have been wondering in your minds how it was possible that ,samson could catch three hundred foxes4 ,well1 then1 we are told in the ,scriptures that ,samson was the strongest man that ever lived4 ,but1 we are not told that he was a great runner4 ,but if he catched these three hundred foxes he must have been a great runner1 and therefore ,i contend that we have a perfect right to assume1 by all the laws of ,logic and ,scientific ,history1 that he was the fastest runner that ever was born2 and that was how he catched his three hundred foxes6 ,but after we get rid of this difficulty1 my freends1 another crops up--after he has catched his three hundred foxes1 how does he manage to keep them all together8 ,now you will please bear in mind1 in the first place1 that it was foxes that ,samson catched4 ,now we don't catch foxes1 as a general rule1 in the streets of a toon2 therefore it is more than probable that ,samson catched them in the country1 and if he catched them in the country it is natural to suppose that he 'bided in the country2 and if he 'bided in the country it is not unlikely that he lived at a farm-house4 ,now at farm-houses we have stables and barns1 and therefore we may now consider it a settled pint1 that as he catched his foxes1 one by one1 he stapped them into a good-sized barn1 and steeked the door and locked it1--here we overcome the second stumbling-block4 ,but no sooner have we done this1 than a third rock of offense loups up to fickle us4 ,after he has catched his foxes2 after he has got them all snug in the barn under lock and key--how in the world did he tie their tails together8 ,there is a fickler4 ,but it is a great thing for poor1 ignorant folk like you1 that there has been great and learned men who have been to colleges1 and universities1 and seats o' learning--the same as mysel'1 ye ken--and instead o' going into the kirk1 like me1 they have gone traveling into foreign parts2 and they have written books o' their travels2 and we can read their books4 ,now1 among other places1 some of these learned men have traveled into ,canaan1 and some into ,palestine1 and some few into the ,holy ,land2 and these last mentioned travelers tell us1 that in these ,eastern or ,oriental climes1 the foxes there are a total different breed o' cattle a'thegither frae our foxes2 that they are great1 big beasts--and1 what's the most astonishing thing about them1 and what helps to explain this wonderful feat of ,samson's1 is1 that they've all got most extraordinary long tails2 in fact1 these ,eastern travelers tell us that these foxes' tails are actually forty feet long4 ,precentor 7whistles74 ,minister 7somewhat disturbed7--,oh6 ,i ought to say that there are other travelers1 and later travelers than the travelers ,i've been talking to you about1 and they say this statement is rather an exaggeration on the whole1 and that these foxes' tails are never more than twenty feet long4 ,precentor 7whistles74 ,minister 7disturbed and confused7--,be--be--before ,i leave this subject a'thegither1 my freends1 ,i may just add that there has been a considerable diversity o' opinion about the length o' these animals' tails4 ,ye see one man says one thing1 and anither1 anither2 and ,i've spent a good lot o' learned research in the matter mysel'2 and after examining one authority1 and anither authority1 and putting one authority again the ither1 ,i've come to the conclusion that these foxes' tails1 on an average1 are seldom more than fifteen and a half feet long4 ,precentor 7whistles74 ,minister 7angrily7--,sandy ,mc,donald1 ,i'll no tak anither inch off o' the beasts' tails1 even gin ye should whustle every tooth oot o' your head4 ,do ye think the foxes o' the ,scriptures had na tails at a'8 ,,the ,,dead ,,kitten ,,anonymous ,you's as stiff an' cold as a stone1 little cat2 ,dey's done frowed out an' left you all alone1 little cat2 ,i's a-strokin' you's fur ,but you don't never purr1 ,nor hump up anywhere-- ,little cat1 why is dat8 ,is you's purrin' an' humpin' up done8 ,an' why is you's little foot tied1 little cat8 ,did dey pisen you's tummick inside1 little cat8 ,did dey pound you wif bricks ,or wif big nasty sticks ,or abuse you wif kicks8 ,little cat1 tell me dat4 ,did dey laff whenever you cried8 ,did it hurt werry bad when you died1 little cat8 ,oh1 why didn't you wun off and hide1 little cat8 ,dey is tears in my eyes1 ',cause ,i most always cries ,when a pussy-cat dies1 ,little cat1 tink of dat1 ,an' ,i am awfully solly1 besides4 ,des lay still1 down in de sof' groun'1 little cat1 ,while ,i tucks the green grass awound1 little cat1 ,dey can't hurt you no more1 ,w'en you's tired and so sore2 ,des' sleep quiet1 you pore ,little cat1 wif a pat1 ,and forget all the kicks of the town4 ,,the ,,weather ,,fiend ,,anonymous ,one hot day last summer1 a young man dressed in thin clothes1 entered a ,broadway car1 and seating himself opposite a stout old gentleman1 said1 pleasantly3 ,pretty warm1 isn't it8 ,what's pretty warm8 ,why1 the weather4 ,what weather8 ,why1 this weather4 ,well1 how's this different from any other weather8 ,well1 it is warmer4 ,how do you know it is8 ,i suppose it is4 ,isn't the weather the same everywhere8 ,why1 no1--no2 it's warmer in some places and it's colder in others4 ,what makes it warmer in some places than it's colder in others8 ,why1 the sun1--the effect of the sun's heat4 ,makes it colder in some places than it's warmer in others8 ,never heard of such a thing4 ,no1 no1 no4 ,i didn't mean that4 ,the sun makes it warmer4 ,then what makes it colder8 ,i believe it's the ice4 ,what ice8 ,why1 the ice1--the ice1--the ice that was frozen by--by--by the frost4 ,have you ever seen any ice that wasn't frozen8 ,no1--that is1 ,i believe ,i haven't4 ,then what are you talking about8 ,i was just trying to talk about the weather4 ,and what do you know about it1--what do you know about the weather8 ,well1 ,i thought ,i knew something1 but ,i see ,i don't and that's a fact4 ,no1 sir1 ,i should say you didn't6 ,yet you come into this car and force yourself upon the attention of a stranger and begin to talk about the weather as tho you owned it1 and ,i find you don't know a solitary thing about the matter you yourself selected for a topic of conversation4 ,you don't know one thing about meteorological conditions1 principles1 or phenomena2 you can't tell me why it is warm in ,august and cold in ,december2 you don't know why icicles form faster in the sunlight than they do in the shade2 you don't know why the earth grows colder as it comes nearer the sun2 you can't tell why a man can be sun-struck in the shade2 you can't tell me how a cyclone is formed nor how the trade-winds blow2 you couldn't find the calm-center of a storm if your life depended on it2 you don't know what a sirocco is nor where the southwest monsoon blows2 you don't know the average rainfall in the ,united ,states for the past and current year2 you don't know why the wind dries up the ground more quickly than a hot sun2 you don't know why the dew falls at night and dries up in the day2 you can't explain the formation of fog2 you don't know one solitary thing about the weather and you are just like a thousand and one other people who always begin talking about the weather because they don't know anything else1 when1 by the ,aurora ,borealis1 they know less about the weather than they do about anything else in the world1 sir6 ,,the ,,race ,,question ,,by ,,paul ,,laurence ,,dunbar ,,scene3 ,race-track4 ,enter old colored man1 seating himself4 ,oomph1 oomph4 ,de work of de devil sho' do p'ospah4 ,how 'do1 suh8 ,des tol'able1 thankee1 suh4 ,how you come on8 ,oh1 ,i was des asayin' how de wo'k of de ol' boy do p'ospah4 ,doesn't ,i frequent the race-track8 ,no1 suh2 no1 suh4 ,i's ,baptis' myse'f an' ,i 'low hit's all devil's doin's4 ,wouldn't 'a' be'n hyeah to-day1 but ,i got a boy named ,jim dat's long gone in sin an' he gwine ride one dem hosses4 ,oomph1 dat boy6 ,i sut'ny has talked to him and labohed wid him night an' day1 but it was allers in vain1 an' ,i's feahed dat de day of his reckonin' is at han'4 ,ain't ,i nevah been intrusted in racin'8 ,humph1 you don't s'pose ,i been dead all my life1 does you8 ,what you laffin at8 ,oh1 scuse me1 scuse me1 you unnerstan' what ,i means4 ,you don' give a ol' man time to splain hisse'f4 ,what ,i means is dat dey has been days when ,i walked in de counsels of de ongawdly and set in de seats of sinnahs2 and long erbout dem times ,i did tek most ovahly strong to racin'4 ,how long dat been8 ,oh1 dat's way long back1 'fo ,i got religion1 mo'n thuty years ago1 dough ,i got to own ,i has fell from grace several times sense4 ,yes1 suh1 ,i ust to ride4 ,ki-yi6 ,i nevah furgit de day dat my ol' ,mas' ,jack put me on ',june ,boy1' his black geldin'1 an' say to me1 ',si1' says he1 'if you don' ride de tail offen ,cunnel ,scott's mare1 ,no ,quit1 ,i's gwine to larrup you twell you cain't set in de saddle no mo'4' ,hyah1 hyah4 ,my ol' ,mas' was a mighty han' fu' a joke4 ,i knowed he wan't gwine to do nuffin' to me4 ,did ,i win8 ,why1 whut you spec' ,i's doin' hyeah ef ,i hadn' winned8 ,w'y1 ef ,i'd 'a' let dat ,scott maih beat my ',june ,boy' ,i'd 'a' drowned myse'f in ,bull ,skin ,crick4 ,yes1 suh1 ,i winned2 w'y1 at de finish ,i come down dat track lak hit was de ,jedgment ,day an' ,i was de las' one up6 'f ,i didn't race dat maih's tail clean off4 ,i 'low ,i made hit do a lot o' switchin'4 ,an' aftah dat my wife ,mandy she ma'ed me4 ,hyah1 hyah1 ,i ain't bin much on hol'in' de reins sence4 ,sh6 dey comin' in to wa'm up4 ,dat ,jim1 dat ,jim1 dat my boy2 you nasty1 putrid little raskil4 ,des a hundred an' eight1 suh1 des a hundred an' eight4 ,yas1 suh1 dat's my ,jim2 ,i don' know whaih he gits his dev'ment at4 ,what's de mattah wid dat boy8 ,whyn't he hunch hisse'f up on dat saddle right8 ,jim1 ,jim1 whyn't you limber up1 boy2 hunch yo'sef up on dat hose lak you belonged to him and knowed you was dah4 ,what ,i done showed you8 ,de black raskil1 goin' out dah tryin' to disgrace his own daddy4 ,hyeah he come back4 ,dat's bettah1 you scoun'ril4 ,dat's a right smaht-lookin' hoss he's a-ridin'1 but ,i ain't a-trustin' dat bay wid de white feet--dat is1 not altogethah4 ,she's a favourwright1 too2 but dey's sumpin' else in dis worl' sides playin' favourwrights4 ,jim battah had win dis race4 ,his hoss ain't a five to one shot1 but ,i spec's to go way fum hyeah wid money ernuff to mek a donation on de pa'sonage4 ,does ,i bet8 ,well1 ,i don' des call hit bettin'2 but ,i resks a little w'en ,i t'inks ,i kin he'p de cause4 ',tain't gamblin'1 o' co'se2 ,i wouldn't gamble fu nothin'1 dough my ol' ,mastah did ust to say dat a hones' gamblah was ez good ez a hones' preachah an' mos' nigh ez skace4 ,look out dah1 man1 dey's off1 dat nasty bay maih wid de white feet leadin' right f'um de pos'4 ,i knowed it6 ,i knowed it6 ,i had my eye on huh all de time4 ,o ,jim1 ,jim1 why didn't you git in bettah1 way back dah fouf8 ,dah go de gong6 ,i knowed dat wasn't no staht4 ,troop back dah1 you raskils1 hyah1 hyah4 ,i wush day boy wouldn't do so much jummyin erroun' wid day hoss4 ,fust t'ing he know he ain't gwine to know whaih he's at4 ,dah1 dah dey go ag'in4 ,hit's a sho' t'ing dis time4 ,bettah1 ,jim1 bettah4 ,dey didn't leave you dis time4 ,hug dat bay maih1 hug her close1 boy4 ,don't press dat hoss yit4 ,he holdin' back a lot o' t'ings4 ,he's gainin'6 doggone my cats1 he's gainin'6 an' dat hoss o' his'n gwine des ez stiddy ez a rockin'-chair4 ,jim allus was a good boy4 ,counfound these spec's1 ,i cain't see 'em skacely2 huh1 you say dey's neck an' neck2 now ,i see 'em6 and ,jimmy's a-ridin' like---- ,huh1 huh1 ,i laik to said sumpin'4 ,de bay maih's done huh bes'1 she's done huh bes'6 ,dey's turned into the stretch an' still see-sawin'4 ,let him out1 ,jimmy1 let him out6 ,dat boy done th'owed de reins away4 ,come on1 ,jimmy1 come on6 ,he's leadin' by a nose4 ,come on1 ,i tell you1 you black rapscallion1 come on6 ,give 'em hell1 ,jimmy6 give 'em hell6 ,under de wire an'a len'th ahead4 ,doggone my cats6 wake me up wen dat othah hoss comes in4 ,no1 suh1 ,i ain't gwine stay no longah--,i don't app'ove o' racin'2 ,i's gwine 'roun' an' see dis hyeah bookmakah an' den ,i's gwine dreckly home1 suh1 dreckly home4 ,i's ,baptis' myse'f1 an' ,i don't app'ove o' no sich doin's6 ,reprinted by permission from ,the ,heart of ,happy ,hollow1 ,dodd1 ,mead ,company1 ,new ,york4 ,,when ,,the ,,woodbine ,,turns ,,red ,,anonymous ,they sat in a garden of springing flowers1 ,in a tangle of woodland ways2 ,and theirs was the sweetest of summer bowers1 ,where they passed long summer days4 ,but1 alas1 when the sunbeams faded away1 ,and those brightest of days had fled ',neath the old trysting trees they parted for aye1 ,when the woodbine leaves turned red4 ,when the woodbine leaves turned red1 ,and their last farewell was said1 ,they swore to be true1 as all lovers do1 ,when the woodbine leaves turn red4 ,she gave him a flower sweet2 ,they vowed they would surely meet ,in a year and a day2 tho they parted for aye ,when the woodbine leaves turned red4 ,they met in the garden again next year1 ,and their ways had been far apart4 ,he grasped both hands with a sigh and a tear1 ,and murmured1 ,my old sweetheart1 ,i have to confess it1 ,i can't marry you1 ,for already have ,i been wed4 ,and she answered1 blushing1 ,so have ,i1 too4 ,and the woodbine turned red4 ,,cupid',s ,,casuistry ,,by ,w4 ,j4 ,,lampton ,we were sitting in the moonlight ,of a radiant1 rosy ,june night1 ,when ,i whispered3 ,kitty1 don't you ,wish ,i'd kiss you8 ,let me1 won't you8 ,kitty was a rustic maiden1 ,and ,i thought not heavy laden ,with the wisdom of the ages ,writ on cultured cupid's pages4 ,kitty answered3 ,no1 ,i mustn't ,let you kiss me3 my ma doesn't ,think it proper that her ,kitty ,be like maidens in the city4 ,oh6 ,i stammered4 ,then did ,kitty ,whisper in a tone of pity3 ,i might kiss you and be true1 sir1 ,to my mother2 would that do1 sir8 ,,when ,,mah ,,lady ,,yawns ,,by ,,charles ,t4 ,,grilley ,when mah ,cah'line yawns1 ah'm 'spicious ,dat she tinks de time po'pitious ,fo' me to tu'n mah 'tention to de clock upon de wall4 ,dat's de cue to quit mah talkin'1 ,an' a gentle hint dat walkin' ,would flicitate de briefness of mah call4 ,th' fus' gal that ah coh'ted ,ouah ma'idge it was thwa'ted ,because ah was so green ah didn' know4 ,when she yawns it was behoovin' ,dat dis dahkey should be movin'1 ,twell at las' she says1 ,fo ,lawd's sake1 niggah1 go6 ,den ah took mah hat an' stah'ted1 ,an f'om dat hour we pah'ted1 ,an ah nevah seen dat cullud gal no mo'4 ,but it taught me dis yer lesson ,dat a yawn am de expression ,dat invites yo' to be movin' to'ards de do'4 ,so take dis friendly wah'nin'1-- ,should yo' lady love stah't yawnin' ,altho de sudden pah'ting cost yo' pain1 ,if she's one you'd like t' marry1 ,aftah one good yawn don' tarry1 ,den yo sho'ly will be welcome da again4 ,,watchin' ,,the ,,sparkin' ,,by ,,fred ,,emerson ,,brooks ,say1 ,jim1 ye wanter see the fun8 ,jemimy's sparkin's jess begun6 ,git deown--this box won't hold but one ,fer peekin' through the winder6 ,yeou stay down thar jess whar ye be2 ,i'll tell ye all thar is to see2 ,then you'll enjoy it well as me2 ,an' deon't yeou try to hinder6 ,that teacher is the dumbdest goose ,that ,cupid ever turned eout loose2 ,his learnin' hain't no sort o' use ,in sparkin' our ,jemimy6 ,tho peekin's 'ginst the golden reule1 ,he told us t'other day in scheool ,to watch him close2 so git a steool ,an' stand up here close by me4 ,neow he's got suthin' in his head ,that somehow ruther's gotter be said2 ,keeps hitchin' up1 an' blushin' red1 ,with one leg over t'other4 ,he wants to do the thing up breown4 ,wall1 he's the biggest gawk in teown3 ,showin' her pictur's upside deown2 ,an' she don't know it nuther6 ,he's got his arm areound her chair1 ,and wonders if she'll leave it there4 ,but she looks like she didn't care6 ,i'll bet he's goin' to kiss 'er2 ,he's gittin' closer to her face1 ,an' pickin' out the softest place1 ,an' sort o' measurin' off the space1 ,jess so as not to miss 'er4 ,if she'd git mad1 an' box his ear1 ',twould knock his plans clean out o' gear1 ,an' set him back another year2 ,but she ain't goin' to do it3 ,she thinks the teacher's jess tip-top1 ,an' she won't let no chances drop2 ,if ever he sets in to pop1 ,she's goin' to pull him through it6 ,i gum6 an' if he ain't the wust6 ,waitin' fer her to kiss him fust6 ,he's goin' to do it neow er bu'st3 ,he's makin' preparation6 ,neow watch him steppin' on her toes-- ,that's jess to keep her down1 ,i s'pose4 ,wall1 thar1 he's kissed her on the nose6 ,so much fer edecation6 ,by permission of ,messrs4 ,forbes ,co41 ,chicago4 ,,the ,,way ,,of ,a ,,woman ,,by ,,byron ,w4 ,,king ,it was the last night before leap-year2 it was the last hour before leap-year2 in fact1 the minute-hand had moved round the dial face of the clock until it registered fifteen minutes of twelve1--fifteen minutes of leap-year4 ,john and ,mary were seated in ,mary's father's parlor4 ,there was plenty of furniture there but they were using only a limited portion of it4 ,john watched the minute-hand move round the dial face of the clock until1 like the finger of destiny1 it registered fifteen minutes of twelve1--fifteen minutes of leap-year1 when he gasped hard1 clutched his coat collar1 and said1-- ,mary1 in just fifteen minutes1 ,mary1--fifteen minutes by that clock1 ,mary1--another year1 ,mary1--like the six thousand years that have gone before it1 ,mary1--will have gone into the great ,past and be forgotten in oblivion1 ,mary1--and ,i want to ask you1 ,mary1--to-night1 ,mary1--on this sofa1 ,mary1--if for the next six thousand years1--,mary666---- ,john1 she said with a winning smile1 you seem very much excited1 ,john1--can ,i do anything to help you1 ,john8 ,just sit still1 ,mary1--just sit still4 ,in just twelve minutes1 ,mary1--twelve minutes by this clock1 ,mary1--like the six thousand clocks that have gone before it1 ,mary1--will be forgotten1 ,mary1--and ,i want to ask this clock1 ,mary1--to-night1 on this sofa1 ,mary1--if when we've been forgotten six thousand times1 ,mary1--in oblivion1 ,mary1--and six thousand sofas1 ,mary66---- ,john1 she said1 more smilingly than ever1 you seem quite nervous2 would you like to see father8 ,not for the world1 ,mary1 not for the world6 ,in just eight minutes1 ,mary1--eight minutes by that awful clock1 we'll be forgotten1 ,mary1--and ,i want to ask six thousand fathers1 ,mary1--if when this sofa1 ,mary1--has been forgotten six thousand times1 ,mary1--in six thousand oblivions1--,i want to ask six thousand ,marys six thousand times1 ,mary6666---- ,john1 she said1 you don't seem very well4 ,would you like a glass of water8 ,mary1--in just three minutes1 ,mary1--three minutes by that dreadful clock1 ,mary1--we'll be forgotten1 ,mary1--six thousand times1--and ,i want to ask six thousand sofas1 ,mary1--if when six thousand oblivions have forgotten six thousand fathers in six thousand years1 ,i want to ask six thousand ,marys1 six thousand times1 ,mary6666---- ,bang6 the clock struck4 ,it was leap-year4 ,the clock struck twelve and ,mary turning to ,john1 sweetly said3 ,john1 it's leap-year2 will you marry me8 ,yes666 ,gentlemen1 there is no use talking1 the way of a woman beats you all4 ,,the ,,yacht ,,club ,,speech ,,anonymous ,mr4 ,chairman--a--a--a--,mr4 ,commodore--beg pardon--,i assure you that until this moment ,i had not the remotest expectation that ,i should be called upon to reply to this toast4 7,pauses1 turns round1 pulls ,,ms4 out of pocket and looks at it47 ,therefore ,i must beg of you1 ,mr4 ,captain--a--a--,mr4 ,commatain--a--a--,mr4--,mr4 ,cappadore--that you will pardon the confused nature of these remarks1 being as they must necessarily be altogether impromptu and extempore4 7,pauses1 turns round and looks at ,,ms47 ,but ,mr4 ,bos'an--a--a--,mr4 ,bosadore--,i feel--,i feel even in these few confused expromptu and intempore--intomptu and exprempore--extemptu and imprempore--exprompore remarks--,i feel that ,i can say in the words of the poet1 words of the poet--poet--,i feel that ,i can say in the words of the poet--of the poet--poet1 and in these few confused remarks--in the words of the poet--7turns round1 looks at ,,ms47--,i feel that ,i can say in the words of the poet that ,i feel my heart swell within me4 ,now ,mr4 ,capasun1 ,mr4 ,commasun1 why does my heart swell within me--in the few confused--why does my heart swell within me--swell within me--swell within me--what makes my heart swell within me--why does it swell--swell within me8 7,turns round and looks at ,,ms47 ,why1 ,mr4 ,cappadore--look at ,george ,washington--what did he do8--in the few confused----7,strikes dramatic attitude with swelled chest and outstretched arm1 preparing for burst of eloquence which will not come47 ,he--huh--he--huh--he--huh--7turns round and looks at ,,ms47--he took his stand upon the ship of state--he stood upon the maintopgallant-jib-boomsail and reefed the quivering sail--and when the storms were waging rildly round to wreck his fragile bark1 through all the howling tempest he guided her in safety into the harbor of perdition--a--a--a--into the haven of safety4 ,and what did he do then8 ,what did he do then8 ,what did he do then8 ,he--he--he--7looks at ,,ms47--there he stood4 ,and then his grateful country-men gathered round him--they gathered round ,george ,washington--they placed him on the summit of the cipadel--their capadol--they held him up before the eyes of the assembled world--around his brow they placed a never-dying wreath--and then in thunder tones which all the world might hear----7,flourishes ,,ms4 before his face1 notices it and sits down in great confusion47 ,,mammy',s ,,li',l' ,,boy ,,by ,h4 ,s4 ,,edwards ,who all time dodgin' en de cott'n en de corn8 ,mammy's li'l' boy1 mammy's li'l' boy6 ,who all time stealin' ole massa's dinner-horn8 ,mammy's li'l' baby boy4 ,byo baby boy1 oh bye1 ,by-o li'l' boy6 ,oh1 run ter es mammy ,en she tek 'im in 'er arms1 ,mammy's li'l' baby boy4 ,who all time runnin' ole gobble roun' de yard8 ,mammy's li'l' boy1 mammy's li'l' boy6 ,who tek 'e stick 'n hit ole possum dog so hard8 ,mammy's li'l' baby boy4 ,byo baby boy1 oh bye1 ,by-o li'l' boy6 ,oh1 run ter es mammy ,en climb up en 'er lap1 ,mammy's li'l' baby boy4 ,who all time stumpin' es toe ergin er rock8 ,mammy's li'l' boy1 mammy's li'l' boy6 ,who all time er-rippin' big hole en es frock8 ,mammy's li'l' baby boy4 ,byo baby boy1 oh bye1 ,by-o li'l' boy6 ,oh1 run ter es mammy ,en she wipe es li'l' eyes1 ,mammy's li'l' baby boy4 ,who all time er-losin' de shovel en de rake8 ,mammy's li'l' boy1 mammy's li'l' boy6 ,who all time tryin' ter ride 'e lazy drake8 ,mammy's li'l' baby boy4 ,byo baby boy1 oh bye1 ,by-o li'l' boy6 ,oh1 scoot fer yer mammy ,en she hide yer f'om yer ma1 ,mammy's li'l' baby boy4 ,who all time er-trottin' ter de kitchen fer er bite8 ,mammy's li'l' boy1 mammy's li'l' boy6 ,who mess 'esef wi' taters twell his clothes dey look er sight8 ,mammy's li'l' baby boy4 ,byo baby boy1 oh bye1 ,by-o1 li'l boy6 ,en 'e run ter es mammy ,fer ter git 'im out er trouble1 ,mammy's li'l' baby boy4 ,who all time er-frettin' en de middle er de day8 ,mammy's li'l' boy1 mammy's li'l' boy6 ,who all time er-gettin' so sleepy 'e can't play8 ,mammy's li'l' baby boy4 ,byo baby boy1 oh bye1 ,by-o li'l' boy6 ,en 'e come ter es mammy ,ter rock 'im en 'er arms1 ,mammy's li'l' baby boy4 ,shoo1 shoo1 shoo-shoo-shoo1 ,shoo1 shoo1 shoo6 ,shoo1 shoo1 shoo-shoo-shoo1 ,shoo1 li'l' baby1 shoo6 ,shoo1 shoo1 shoo-shoo-shoo1 ,shoo1 shoo1 shoo1 ,shoo4444 ,deir now1 lay right down on mammy's bed en go 'long back ter sleep1--shoo-shoo6 ,reprinted by permission ,,corydon ,,by ,,thomas ,,bailey ,,aldrich ,shepherd ,good sir1 have you seen pass this way ,a mischief straight from market-day8 ,you'd know her at a glance1 ,i think2 ,her eyes are blue1 her lips are pink2 ,she has a way of looking back ,over her shoulder1 and1 alack6 ,who gets that look one time1 good sir1 ,has naught to do but follow her4 ,pilgrim ,i have not seen this maid1 methinks1 ,tho she that passed had lips like pinks4 ,shepherd ,or like two strawberries made one ,by some sly trick of dew and sun4 ,pilgrim ,a poet6 ,shepherd ,nay1 a simple swain ,that tends his flock on yonder plain1 ,naught else1 ,i swear by book and bell4 ,but she that passed--you marked her well4 ,was she not smooth as any be ,that dwell herein in ,arcady8 ,pilgrim ,her skin was as the satin bark ,of birches4 ,shepherd ,light or dark8 ,pilgrim ,quite dark4 ,shepherd ,then 't was not she4 ,pilgrim ,the peach's side ,that gets the sun is not so dyed ,as was her cheek4 ,her hair hung down ,like summer twilight falling brown2 ,and when the breeze swept by1 ,i wist ,her face was in a somber mist4 ,shepherd ,no1 that is not the maid ,i seek1-- ,her hair lies gold against the cheek2 ,her yellow tresses take the morn ,like silken tassels of the corn4 ,and yet--brown locks are far from bad4 ,pilgrim ,now ,i bethink me1 this one had ,a figure like the willow tree ,which1 slight and supple1 wondrously ,inclines to droop with pensive grace1 ,and still retains its proper place2 ,a foot so arched and very small ,the marvel was she walked at all2 ,her hand--in sooth ,i lack the words-- ,her hand1 five slender snow-white birds2 ,her voice--tho she but said ,godspeed-- ,was melody blown through a reed2 ,the girl ,pan changed into a pipe ,had not a note so full and ripe4 ,and her eye--my lad1 her eye6 ,discreet1 inviting1 candid1 shy1 ,an outward ice1 an inward fire1 ,and lashes to the heart's desire-- ,soft fringes blacker than the sloe4 ,shepherd--thoughtfully ,good sir1 which way did this one go8 99 99 99 99 99 ,pilgrim--solus ,so1 he is off6 the silly youth ,knoweth not ,love in sober sooth4 ,he loves--thus lads at first are blind-- ,no woman1 only womankind4 ,from the ,poems of ,thomas ,bailey ,aldrich1 ,household ,edition1 by permission of ,messrs4 ,houghton1 ,mifflin ,co4 ,,gib ,,him ,,one ,,ub ,,mine ,,by ,,daniel ,,webster ,,davis ,a little urchin1 ragged1 black1 ,an old cigar stump found1 ,and visions of a jolly smoke1 ,began to hover 'round4 ,but finding that he had no match1 ,a big store he espied1 ,and straightway for it made a dash ,to have his wants supplied4 ,i have no match6 the owner said1 ,and1 even if ,i do1 ,i have no match1 you understand1 ,for such a thing as you6 ,down in the ragged pantaloons1 ,the little black hand went1 ,and forth it came1 now holding fast ,a big old-fashioned cent4 ,gib me a box1 the urchin said1 ,his bosom filled with joy2 ,and calmly lighted his cigar1 ,a radiant happy boy4 ,then handing back the box1 he said1 ,as his face with pride did shine3 ,nex' time a gent'mun wants a match1 ,jes' gib him one ub mine6 ,a ,,lesson ,,with ,,the ,,fan ,,anonymous ,if you want to learn a lesson with the fan1 ,i'm quite prepared to teach you all ,i can4 ,so ladies1 everyone1 pray observe how it is done1 ,this simple little lesson with the fan6 ,if you chance to be invited to a ball1 ,to meet someone you don't expect at all1 ,and you want him close beside you1 while a dozen friends divide you1 ,well1 of course--it's most unladylike to call4 ,so you look at him a minute1 nothing more1 ,and you cast your eyes demurely on the floor1 ,then you wave your fan1 just so1 well--toward you1 don't you know1-- ,it's a delicate suggestion1--nothing more6 ,when you see him coming to you 7simple you71 ,oh6 be very1 very careful what you do2 ,with your fan just idly play1 and look down1 as if to say ,it's a matter of indifference to you6 ,then you flutter and you fidget with it1 so6 ,and you hide your little nose behind it low1 ,till1 when he begins to speak1 you just lay it on your cheek1 ,in that fascinating manner that you know6 ,and when he tells the old tale o'er and o'er1 ,and vows that he will love you evermore1-- ,gather up your little fan1 and secure him while you can1-- ,it's a delicate suggestion1--nothing more6 ,,the ,,undertow ,,by ,,carrie ,,blake ,,morgan ,you hadn't ought to blame a man fer things he hasn't done ,fer books he hasn't written or fer fights he hasn't won2 ,the waters may look placid on the surface all aroun'1 ,yet there may be an undertow a-keepin' of him down4 ,since the days of ,eve and ,adam1 when the fight of life began1 ,it aint been safe1 my brethren1 fer to lightly judge a man2 ,he may be tryin' faithful fer to make his life a go1 ,and yet his feet git tangled in the treacherous undertow4 ,he may not lack in learnin' and he may not want fer brains2 ,he may be always workin' with the patientest of pains1 ,and yet go unrewarded1 an'1 my friends1 how can we know ,what heights he might have climbed to but fer the undertow8 ,you've heard the ,yankee story of the hen's nest with a hole1 ,an' how the hen kept layin' eggs with all her might an' soul1 ,yet never got a settin'1 not a single egg1 ,i trow2 ,that hen was simply kickin' 'gainst a hidden undertow4 ,there's holes in lots of hen's nests1 an' you've got to peep below ,to see the eggs a-rollin' where they hadn't ought to go4 ,don't blame a man fer failin' to achieve a laurel crown ,until you're sure the undertow aint draggin' of him down4 ,,marketing ,,anonymous ,a little girl goes to market for her mother4 ,butcher4--,well1 little girl1 what can ,i do for you8 ,little ,girl4--,how much is chops this morning1 mister8 ,b4--,chops1 #bj cents a pound1 little girl4 ,l4 ,g4--,oh6 #bj cents a pound for chops2 that's awful expensive4 ,how much is steak8 ,b4--,steak is #bb cents a pound4 ,l4 ,g4--,that's too much6 ,how much is chicken8 ,b4--,chicken is #be cents a pound 7impatiently74 ,l4 ,g4--,oh6 #be cents for chicken4 ,well my ma don't want any of them6 ,b4--,well1 little girl1 what do you want8 ,l4 ,g4--,oh1 ,i want an automobile1 but my ma wants #e cents' worth of liver6 ,a ,,spring ,,idyl ,,on ,,grass ,,by ,,nixon ,,waterman ,oh1 the gentle grass is growing ,in the vale and on the hill2 ,we can not hear it growing1 ,still 'tis growing very still3 ,and in the spring it springs to life1 ,with gladness and delight2 ,i see it growing day by day1-- ,it also grows by night4 ,and1 now1 once more as mowers whisk ,the whiskers from the lawn1 ,they'll rouse us from our slumbers1-- ,at the dawning of the dawn3 ,it saddens my poor heart to think ,what we should do for hay1 ,if grass instead of growing up ,would grow the other way4 ,its present rate of growing1 ,makes it safe to say that soon1 ',twill cover all the hills at morn ,and in the afternoon4 ,and ,i have often noticed ,as ,i watched it o'er and o'er1 ,it grows1 and grows1 and grows1 awhile1 ,and then it grows some more1-- ,if it keeps growing right along ,it shortly will be tall2 ,it humps itself thro' strikes1 ,and legal holidays and all2 ,it's growing up down all the streets2 ,and clean around the square2 ,one end is growing in the ground1 ,the other in the air3 ,if the earth possest no grass ,methinks its beauty would be dead2 ,we'd have to make the best of it1 ,and use baled hay instead4 ,from ,a ,book of ,verses1 by permission of ,forbes ,co41 ,chicago4 ,,introducin' ,,the ,,speecher ,,by ,,edwin ,l4 ,,barker ,,introductory ,,remarks4 ,this selection is a little caricature1 introducing two characters4 ,the ,speecher is one of those young men who has passed through college in one year1--passed through1--and has increasing difficulty in finding a hat large enough to fit his head4 ,his oratorical powers have been praised by his friends1 and he never misses an opportunity to exhibit his great natural talent4 ,the ,chairman is frequently met in the smaller towns4 ,he has lived there a long time1 is acquainted with everybody1 makes it a point to form the acquaintance of all newcomers1 takes an interest in public affairs1 and is often called upon to introduce the speakers who visit the town4 ,his principal weakness is that in the course of his introductory remarks he usually says more than the speaker himself4 ,,the ,,chairman4 7,comes forward to table at center1 stands at right1 looks nervously at audience1 goes to left of table1 does not know what to do with hands1 returns to right of table1 begins in high1 nervous voice47 ,gentlemen an' ladies--an' the rest on ye--7goes left of table7 ,i s'pose ye all knowed afore1 as per'aps ye do now1 that ,i did not come out to make a speech2 but to--to 'nounce the speecher4 ,now1 the speecher has jes come1 an' is right in there4 7,points with thumb over shoulder to ,l4 and goes ,r4 of table47 ,i don't know why 'twas they called on me to 'nounce the speecher1 unless it is that ,i've lived here in your midst fer a long while1 an' am 'quainted with very nigh every one fer four or five miles about1 an' ,i s'pose that's why they called on me to--to 'nounce the speecher4 ,now1 the speecher is--right in there4 7,points ,l4 and goes ,l47 ,i s'pose ,i'm as well calc'lated to 'nounce the speecher as any on ye1 an' ,i s'pose that's why ,i'm here to--to 'nounce the speecher4 ,now1 the speecher is--right in there4 7,points ,l4 and goes ,r47 ,you know ,i've lived here in your midst a long time1 an' have allus tuk an active part in all public affairs1 an' ,i s'pose that's why they called on me to--to 'nounce the speecher4 ,now1 the speecher is right in there4 7,points ,l4 and goes ,l47 ,as ,i said once afore1 ,i've lived here in your midst fer a long time1 an' have allus tuk active part in all public affairs1 an' public doin's ginerally4 ,ye know ,i was 'pinted tax collector once1 an' was road-overseer fer a little while1 an' run fer constable of this here township--but ,i--,i didn't git it4 7,quickly47 ,now1 the speecher is--right there4 7,points ,l4 and goes ,r4 ,wipes forehead with handkerchief47 ,i jes want to say a word to the young men this evenin'--as ,i see quite a sprinklin' of 'em here--an' that is that ,i'd like fer all the young men to grow up an' hold high and honorable offices like ,i've done4 ,but there1 ,i can't stop any longer1 'cause the speecher is--right in there4 7,starts to go1 but returns47 ,now1 ,i don't want you to think ,i don't want to talk to ye1 fer ,i do4 ,i do so like to talk to the young men1 an' the old men1 an' them that are not men4 7,smiles47 ,i love to talk to ye4 ,but1 of course1 ,i can't talk to you now1 'cause the speecher is--right in there4 7,points ,l47 ,but some other time when the speecher's not here--,i think there'll be a time afore long--why1 ,i'll talk to you4 7,grows confused47 ,of course1 you know1 ,i'd talk to you now2 but--uh--that is--,i think there'll be a time afore long--at some other--you know--,i--you--the--7desperately7 the speecher is right in there4 7,rushes to ,l41 stops1 and with back to audience1 concludes47 ,i will now interdoose to ye ,charles ,william ,albright1 of ,snigger's ,crossroads1 a very promisin' young attorney of that place1 who will talk to ye4 ,as ,i said afore1 the speecher is right in here4 ,now1 the speecher is right out there4 7,while standing with back to audience1 run fingers through hair to give it a long1 scholarly appearance1 put on glasses1 and take from chair roll of paper and place under arm4 ,to be effective1 this paper should be about one foot wide and ten feet long1 folded in about five or six-inch folds4 ,at conclusion of chairman's speech1 turn and walk to table as the speecher47 ,,the ,,speecher4 7,walks to table with a strut4 ,face should have a wise1 solemn1 self-satisfied expression4 ,stops at table1 surveys the audience with solemn dignity1 clears the throat1 lays roll of paper on table1 takes out handkerchief1 clears throat1 wipes mouth1 smacks lips1 lays handkerchief on table1 surveys audience again1 slowly unrolls paper and lays on table1 surveys audience again1 clears throat1 wipes mouth1 smacks lips1 poses with one hand on table47 ,ladies--and--gentlemen--and fellow citizens4 7,rises on toes and comes back on heels1 as practised by some public speakers47 ,i have fully realized the magnitude of this auspicious occasion1 and have brought from out the archives of wisdom one of those bright1 extemporaneous subjects1 to which1 you know1 ,i always do 7rising inflection7 ample justice4 7,rises on toes1 clears throat1 applies handkerchief to forehead47 ,the subject for this evening's discussion 7very solemn7 is coal oil4 7,clears throat and looks wise47 ,now1 the first question that arises is3 ,how do they get it8 7,in measured tone1 on toes1 tapping words off on fingers of left hand with forefinger of right hand47 ,how--do--they--get--it8 7,soaringly47 ,my dear friends1 some get it by the pint1 and some by the quart4 7,clears throat1 wipes perspiration from forehead47 ,but1 you say1 how do they get it in the first place8 7,tragically47 ,ah1 my dear friends1 as ,horace ,greeley has so fittingly exprest it--that is the question4 7,quickly47 ,but ,i will explain4 ,when they want to get it they take a great1 mammoth auger 7imitates7 and they bore1 and they bore1 and they bore1 and--7looks at paper quickly7--and they bore6 ,and when they strike the oil it just squirts up4 ,that's how they get it6 7,rises on toes1 smacks lips and looks wise47 ,now1 you all know1 coal oil is used for a great many things4 ,it is used for medicine1 to burn in the lamp1 to blow up servant girls when they make a fire with it1 and--many other useful things4 7,wipes mouth and puts handkerchief in pocket47 ,the gentlemen in charge will now pass the hat1 being careful to lock the door back there so that none of those boys from ,squeedunk can get out before they chip in4 7,takes paper and rolls it up47 ,i will say that ,i expect to deliver another lecture here two weeks from to-night--two weeks from to-night--upon which occasion ,i would like to see all the children present1 as the subject will be of special interest to 7rises on toes1 closes eyes7 the little ones4 ,the subject on that occasion will be ',will ,we ,bust the ,trusts1 or ,will the ,trusts ,bust ,us8' 7,puts roll of paper under arm and stalks off as if having captured the world47 ,as recited by ,edwin ,l4 ,barker and used by permission4 ,,counting ,,one ,,hundred ,,by ,,james ,m4 ,,bailey ,a ,danbury man named ,reubens1 recently saw a statement that counting one hundred when tempted to speak an angry word would save a man a great deal of trouble4 ,this statement sounded a little singular at first1 but the more he read it over the more favorably he became imprest with it1 and finally concluded to adopt it4 ,next door to ,reubens lives a man who made five distinct attempts in a fortnight to secure a dinner of green peas by the first of ,july1 but has been retarded by ,reubens' hens4 ,the next morning after ,reubens made his resolution1 this man found his fifth attempt had been destroyed4 ,then he called on ,reubens4 ,he said3 ,what in thunder do you mean by letting your hens tear up my garden8 ,reubens was prompted to call him various names1 but he remembered his resolution1 put down his rage1 and meekly said3 ,one1 two1 three1 four1 five1 six1 seven1 eight---- ,the mad neighbor1 who had been eyeing this answer with suspicion1 broke in again3 ,why don't you answer my question1 you rascal8 ,but still ,reubens maintained his equanimity1 and went on with the test4 ,nine1 ten1 eleven1 twelve1 thirteen1 fourteen1 fifteen1 sixteen---- ,the mad neighbor stared harder than ever4 ,seventeen1 eighteen1 nineteen1 twenty1 twenty-one---- ,you're a mean thief6 said the mad neighbor1 backing toward the fence4 ,reubens' face flushed at this charge1 but he only said3 ,twenty-two1 twenty-three1 twenty-four1 twenty-five1 twenty-six---- ,at this figure the neighbor got up on the fence in some haste1 but suddenly thinking of his peas1 he said3 ,you mean1 contemptible1 old rascal6 ,i could knock your head against my barn and ,i'll---- ,twenty-seven1 twenty-eight1 twenty-nine1 thirty1 thirty-one1 thirty-two1 thirty-three---- ,here the neighbor ran for the house1 and entering it1 violently slammed the door behind him4 ,reubens did not let up on the enumeration1 but stood out there alone in his own yard1 and kept on counting1 while his burning cheeks and flashing eyes eloquently affirmed his judgment4 ,when he got up into the eighties his wife came out to him in some alarm4 ,why1 ,reubens1 man1 what is the matter with you8 ,do come into the house4 ,but he didn't stop4 ,eighty-seven1 eighty-eight1 eighty-nine1 ninety1 ninety-one1 ninety-two---- ,then she came to him1 and clung tremblingly to him1 but he only turned1 looked into her eyes1 and said3 ,ninety-three1 ninety-four1 ninety-five1 ninety-six1 ninety-seven1 ninety-eight1 ninety-nine1 one hundred6 ,go into the house1 old woman1 or ,i'll bust you6 ,,they ,,never ,,quarreled ,,anonymous ,they had been married about three weeks1 and had just gone to housekeeping4 ,he was starting down town one morning1 and she followed him to the door4 ,they had their arms wrapt around each other1 and she was saying3 ,o ,clarence1 do you think it possible that the day can ever come when we will part in anger8 ,why1 no1 little girl1 of course not4 ,what put that foolish idea into my little birdie's head1 eh8 ,oh1 nothing1 dearest4 ,i was only thinking how perfectly dreadful it would be if one of us should speak harshly to the other4 ,well1 don't think of such wicked1 utterly impossible things any more4 ,we can never1 never1 never quarrel4 ,i know it1 darling4 ,good-by1 you dear old precious1 good-by1 and--oh1 wait a second1 ,clarence2 ,i've written a note to mamma2 can't you run around to the house and leave it for her some time to-day8 ,why1 yes1 dearie2 if ,i have time4 ,if you have time8 ,o ,clarence6 ,what is it1 little girlie8 ,oh1 to say 'if you have time' to do almost the very first errand your little wife asks you to do4 ,well1 well1 ,i expect to be very busy to-day4 ,too busy to please me8 ,o ,clarence1 you hurt my feelings so4 ,why1 child1 ,i---- ,i'm not a child1 ,i'm a married woman1 and ,i---- ,there1 there1 my pet4 ,i---- ,no1 no1 ,clarence1 if ,i were your p--p--pet you'd---- ,but1 ,mabel1 do be reasonable4 ,o ,clarence6 don't speak to me so4 ,mable1 be sensible1 and---- ,go on1 ,clarence1 go on2 break my heart4 ,stuff and nonsense4 ,oh6 o--o--o--o--oh6 ,what have ,i said or done8 ,as if you need ask6 ,but go--hate me if you will1 ,clarence1 ,i---- ,this is rank nonsense6 ,i'll go back to mamma if you want me to4 ,she loves me1 if you don't4 ,you must have a brain-storm6 ,oh6 yes1 sneer at me1 ridicule me1 break my poor heart4 ,perhaps you had better strike me6 ,he bangs the door1 goes down the steps on the jump1 and races off1 muttering something about women being the queerest creatures4 ,of course1 they'll make it up when he comes home1 and they'll have many a little tiff in the years to come1 and when they grow old they'll say3 ,we've lived together forty-five years1 and in all that time have never spoken a cross word to each other6 ,,song ,,of ,,the ,l ,,by ,,grenville ,,kleiser ,,note--,the ,new ,york elevated cars were so overcrowded at the rush hours of the day that passengers were obliged to ride on engines4 ,jam them in1 ram them in1 ,people still a-coming1 ,slam them in1 cram them in1 ,keep the thing a-humming6 ,millionaires and carpenters1 ,office boys1 stenographers1 ,workingmen and fakirs1 ,doctors1 undertakers1 ,brokers and musicians1 ,writers1 politicians1 ,clergymen and plumbers1 ,entry clerks and drummers1 ,pack them in1 whack them in1 ,people still a-coming6 ,mash them in1 crash them in1 ,still there's more to follow1 ,shoot them in1 boot them in1 ,don't take time to swallow6 ,pretty maid and tailor-made1 ,stylish maid and home-made1 ,jersey maid and ready-made ,house maid and old maid6 ,billionaire and haughty air1 ,bald head and golden hair1 ,always there1 never there1 ,ah there and get there6 ,squeeze them in1 tease them in1 ,still there's more to follow4 ,bump them in1 thump them in1 ,why do people worry8 ,throw them in1 blow them in1 ,everyone must hurry4 ,take a place behind the gate1 ,get your clothes prest while you wait4 ,grab a seat1 don't give a rap ,for the lady at the strap4 ,if your life is spared till night ,you can tell your wife all right3 ,how the gateman shoved them in1 ,slammed them in1 jammed them in1 ,crammed them in1 damned them in1 ,blew them in1 cuffed them in1 ,fired them in1 kicked them in1 ,bumped them in1 thumped them in1 ,beat them in1 knocked them in1 ,rapped them in1 squashed them in1 ,rammed them in1 whipped them in1 ,pushed them in1 banged them in1 ,crusht them in1 rushed them in1 ,dashed them in1 slashed them in1 ,flung them in1 jerked them in1 ,tossed them in1 shied them in1 ,hauled them in1 forced them in1 ,whacked them in1 crowded them in1 ,prodded them in1 pulled them in1 ,dumped them in1 drove them in1 ,hammered them in1 battered them in1 ,pitched them in1 urged them in1 ,hustled them in1 bustled them in1 ,hurried them in1 worried them in1 ,as if their heads were hollow6 ,,the ,,village ,,oracle ,,by ,j4 ,l4 ,,harbour ,why1 ,mis' ,farley1 is it really you8 ,it's been so long sence ,i saw you that ,i hardly knowed you4 ,come in an' set down4 ,i was jest a-wishin' some one would come in4 ,i've felt so kind of downsy all mornin'4 ,i reckon like enough it is my stummick4 ,i thought some of goin' to see old ,doctor ,ball about it1 but1 la1 ,i know jest what he'd say4 ,he'd look at my tongue an' say1 ',coffee1' an' look cross4 ,he lays half the mis'ry o' the world to coffee4 ,says it is a rank pizen to most folks1 an' that lots o' the folks now wearin' glasses wouldn't need 'em if they'd let coffee alone4 ,says it works on the ocular nerves an' all that1 but ,i reckon folks here in ,granby will go on drinkin' coffee jest the same4 ,you won't mind if ,i keep right on with my work1 will you1 seein' that it ain't nothin' but sewin' carpet-rags8 ,i've got to send my rags to the weaver this week1 or she can't weave my carpet until after she comes home from a visit she 'lows on makin' to her sister over in ,zoar4 ,it's just a hit-er-miss strip o' carpet ,i'm makin' for my small south chamber4 ,i set out to make somethin' kind o' fancy with a twisted strip an' the chain in five colors1 but ,i found ,i hadn't the right kind of rags to carry it through as ,i wanted to2 so ,i jest decided on a plain hit-er-miss4 ,i don't use the south chamber no great nohow4 ,it's the room my first husband and his first wife and sev'ral of his kin all died in2 so the 'sociations ain't none too cheerin'1 an' ,i--,i--s'pose you know about ,lyddy ,baxter losin' her husband last week8 ,no8 ,well1 he's went the way o' the airth1 an' ,lyddy wore my mournin'-veil an' gloves to the funeral4 ,they're as good as they were the day ,i follered my two husbands to the grave in 'em4 ,when a body pays two dollars an' sixty-eight cents for a mournin'-veil1 it behooves 'em to take keer of it1 an' not switch it out wearin' it common as ,sally ,dodd did hern4 ,if a body happens to marry a second time1 as ,i did1 a mournin'-veil may come in handy1 jest as mine did4 ,yes1 ,lyddy's husband did go off real sudden4 ,it was this new-fashioned trouble1 the appendysheetus1 that tuk him off4 ,they was jest gittin' ready to op'rate on him when he went off jest as easy as a glove4 ,there's three thousand life-insurance2 so ,lyddy ain't as bereft as some would be4 ,now1 if she'll only have good jedgement when she gits the money1 an' not fool it away as ,mis' ,mack did her husband's life-insurance4 ,he had only a thousand dollars1 an' she put half of it on her back before three months1 an' put three hundred into a pianny she couldn't play4 ,she said a pianny give a house sech an air4 ,i up an' told her that money would soon be all 'air' if she didn't stop foolin' it away4 ,i wouldn't want it told as comin' from me1 but ,i've heerd that it was her that put that advertisement in the paper about a widder with some means wishin' to correspond with a gentleman similarly situated with a view to matrimony4 ,i reckon she had about fifty dollars left at that time4 ,i tried to worm something about it out of the postmaster2 for of course he'd know about her mail1 but he was as close as a clam-shell4 ,i reckon one has to be kind of discreet if one is postmaster1 but he might of known that anything he told me wouldn't go no farther if he didn't want it to4 ,i know when to speak an' when to hold my tongue if anybody in this town does4 ,did you know that ,myra ,dart was goin' to marry that ,rylan chap8 ,it's so4 ,i got it from the best authority4 ,an' she's nine years an' three months an' five days older than him4 ,i looked it up in the town hist'ry4 ,it's a good deal of a reesk for a man to marry a woman that's much older than he is4 ,but1 my land1 it's a good deal of a reesk to git married at all nowadays4 ,you never know what you're gittin' ontil it's too late to undo the matter4 ,seems to me there must be a screw loose somewhere1 or matrimony wouldn't be the fizzle it is in so many instances4 ,an' it's about six o' one an' half a dozen o' the other when it comes to dividin' the blame4 ,you know my first husband was jestice o' the peace five years1 an' he had considdable marryin' to do1 an' ,i saw a good deal o' what loose idees some people had about matrimony4 ,i recollect of one couple comin' in to git married one evenin'4 ,they was both in middle life1 an' them kind usually acts the silliest with the exception of a real old pair4 ,they are the beaterees for silly actin'4 ,well1 my husband never married any couple without makin' sure that there was no onlawful hindrances in the way o' past husbands and wives1 an' so he says to the woman1 ',have you ever been married before8' ,an' she says jest as flippant1 ',yes1 but he didn't live but three weeks2 so it ain't wuth speakin' of4' ,now wa'n't that scand'lous8 ,it jest showed how lightly some folks look on the solemn ord'nance o' matrimony4 ,i reckon you know that the ,porters have a boy at their house8 ,no8 ,well1 they have4 ,he was born at twenty minutes to one las' night1 or this mornin' ruther1 an' old ,susan ,puffer is to do the nussin'4 ,i heard a wagon drive by here lickety-split at most midnight las' night an' ,i sez to myself1 sez ,i1 ',i'll bet that's ,hi ,porter tearin' off for old ,susan ,puffer'1 an' ,i got up1 an' wrapped a blanket around me1 an' waited for the wagon to come back2 an' when it did1 ,i called out1 ',that you1 ,hi an' ,susan8' ,it gives 'em a good deal of a start1 but ,susan called out that it was her1 an' ,i went back to bed4 ,some folks would of been curious-minded enough to of went right over to the ,porters'1 but ,i ain't that pryin' an' ,i didn't go over till after breakfast this mornin'4 ,it's a real nice baby1 an' it's goin' to be the livin' spit o' ,hi exceptin' for its nose1 which is its mother's all over2 an' its mouth is the livin' counterpart o' its grandfather ,porter's an' it's got the ,davis ears4 ,you know its mother was a ,davis4 ,i hope it won't have to be a bottle-riz baby4 ,i don't care how good these infant foods may be2 ,i don't think that a bottle-riz baby is ever the equal of one that ain't bottle-riz4 ,the ,lord must of intended mothers to nuss their babies1 or ,he wouldn't of made 'em so they could4 ,so ,i--must you be goin'8 ,what's your hurry8 ,i'd love to have you set all afternoon4 ,it's so long sense you have been here1 an' ,i do so enjoy havin' the neighbors drop in an' tell me all that's goin' on4 ,i never go no place to hear the news4 ,i wish you'd come in real often an' talk to me4 ,looks some like rain4 ,i hope it'll be fair to-morrow1 for ,i 'low on goin' over to ,lucindy ,baxter's to spend the day4 ,me an' her went over to ,ware ,monday1 an' had a real nice all-day visit with ,lucindy's married daughter4 ,she's real nicely fixt1 an' she had three kinds of cake besides cookies for tea4 ,seems to me one kind an' the cookies would o' been plenty4 ,mebbe she wanted to let us see that her husband was a good pervider4 ,i went over to ,zion ,tuesday1 an' ,wednesday me an' ,nancy ,dodd went over to ,becky ,means's1 and helped her quilt her album quilt2 an' she had a chicken-pie for dinner that went a little ahead of anything ,i ever et in the way of chicken-pie4 ,nancy's a good cook anyhow4 ,she gives a kind of a taste to things that only a born cook can give4 ,i'm goin' over to the fair in ,greenfield ,friday2 so ,i--do come over again soon4 ,i git real lonesome stayin' to home close as ,i do1 an' it's nice to have some one come in an' talk to me as you have4 ,good-by4 ,yes1 ,i'll come over soon4 ,but don't you wait for me4 ,come when you kin4 ,i'm allus to home4 ,good-by4 ,see my little chicks8 ,i put a hen on thirteen eggs1 an' she hatched out every blessed one of 'em4 ,wa'n't she smart8 ,an she laid all the eggs herself1 too4 ,i got another hen comin' off on the tenth4 ,didn't the minister preach beautifully ,sunday8 ,i dunno as ,i ever heard a more upliftin' sermon4 ,i see that his wife has her black silk made up that the ,ladies' ,society gave her on her birthday4 ,didn't seem to me it fit real well under the arms4 ,well1 good-by1 good-by4 ,by permission of the author and the ,christian ,endeavor ,world4 ,,if ,i ,,can ,,be ,,by ,,her ,,by ,,benjamin ,,franklin ,,king ,i d-d-don't c-c-c-are how the r-r-r-obin sings1 ,er how the r-r-r-ooster f-f-flaps his wings1 ,er whether't sh-sh-shines1 er whether't pours1 ,er how high up the eagle s-s-soars1 ,if ,i can b-b-b-be by her4 ,i don't care if the p-p-p-people s-say ',at ,i'm weak-minded every w-way1 ,an' n-n-never had no cuh-common sense1 ,i'd c-c-c-cuh-climb the highest p-picket fence4 ,if ,i could b-b-b-be by her4 ,if ,i can be by h-h-her1 ,i'll s-s-swim ,the r-r-r-est of life thro' th-th-thick an' thin2 ,i'll throw my overcoat away1 ,an' s-s-s-stand out on the c-c-c-oldest day1 ,if ,i can b-b-b-be by her4 ,you s-s-see sh-sh-she weighs an awful pile1 ,b-b-b-but ,i d-d-d-don't care--sh-she's just my style1 ,an' any f-f-fool could p-p-p-lainly see ,she'd look well b-b-b-by the side of me1 ,if ,i could b-b-b-be by her4 ,i b-b-b-braced right up1 and had the s-s-s-and ,to ask 'er f-f-f-father f-f-fer 'er hand2 ,he said3 ,wh-wh-what p-p-prospects have you got8 ,i said3 ,i gu-gu-guess ,i've got a lot1 ,if ,i can b-b-b-be by her4 ,it's all arranged f-f-fer ,christmas ,day1 ,fer then we're goin' to r-r-r-run away1 ,an' then s-s-some th-th-thing that cu-cu-couldn't be ,at all b-b-efore will then1 you s-s-see1 ,b-b-b-because ,i'll b-b-b-be by her4 ,from ,ben ,king's ,verse1 by permission of ,forbes ,co41 ,chicago4 ,mc,c,a,r,t,h,y ,,and ,mc,m,a,n,u,s ,,anonymous ,an ,irishman named ,patrick ,mc,carthy1 having received an invitation to visit some friends who were stopping at one of the prominent hotels1 suddenly realized that his best suit needed pressing4 ,he sent the suit to his friend ,michael ,mc,manus1 the tailor1 with instructions to put it in proper shape and to return it with all haste4 ,after waiting an hour or more1 he became very impatient1 and asked his wife to go for the clothes1 telling her to be sure to bring them back with her4 ,when she returned he was surprized to find she had not brought back his suit1 and he said3 ,well1 where are my clothes8 ,don't ask me1 don't ask me4 ,i'm thot mad ,i'm almost afther killin' thot ,mc,manus6 ,pfhot's thot8 ,pfhot's ,mc,manus done with thim8 ,he's done nothin' with thim1 and he barely took notice of me4 ,shure woman1 dear1 pfhot's that you be tellin' me8 ,did ,mac insult you1--for the love of hivins tell me quick8 ,well1 ,i will tell you4 ,whin ,i wint into the shop1 there was ,mc,manus2 instid of sittin' on the table as usual1 he was sittin' forninst it1 with a long shate of paper spread out1 and he was a-writin' and a-writin' and a-writin'4 ,says ,i1 ',mr4 ,mc,manus4' ,no answer4 ,again ,i says1 ',mr4 ,mc,manus4' ,still no answer4 ,says ,i1 ',look here1 ,mr4 ,mc,manus1 pfhot do you mean by kapin' my husband waitin' for his clothes8--have you got thim done8' ,without raisin' his head he says1 ',no1 ,i haven't1' and wint on writin' and writin'4 ,says ,i1 ',he's waitin' for thim4' ,says he1 ',let him wait4' ,says ,i1 ',he won't4' ,says he1 ',he'll have to4' ,says ,i1 ',pfhot do you mean by writin' thot long document1 knowin' well thot my husband is waitin' for his clothes8' ,says he1 ',well1 if you must know1 it's important business4 ,do you see thot list8' pointin' to a long list of names4 ',well1' says he1 'thot's a list of all the min thot ,i can lick in this neighborhood4' ,says ,i1 ',is thot so8' ,says he1 ',yes1 thot is so4' ,says ,i1 ',mr4 ,mc,manus1 have you got my husband's name on thot list8' ,says he1 takin' up the list and holdin' it near my face1 ',look at thot1--the very first name on the list6' and ,i was thot mad ,i couldn't talk4 ,do you mean to tell me thot he had my name on thot list8 ,i do1 and the very first one1--on the very top4 ,well1 wait till ,i go over and see ,mc,manus4 ,a few minutes later ,mr4 ,mc,carthy entered the shop of ,mr4 ,mc,manus1 and said1 ,is ,mc,manus here8 ,mc,manus replied1 ,he is and he's very busy4 ,is thot so8 ,yes1 thot is so4 ,look here1 ,mc,manus1 pfhot makes you so busy8 ,oh1 ,i'm just doin' a little writin'4 ,well1 what is it you're writin'8 ,well1 ,i'll tell you4 ,i'm makin' out a list of all the min thot ,i can lick in this neighborhood1 and a moighty big list it is4 ,just look at thot4 ,say ,mac1 is my name on thot list8 ,is ,pat ,mc,carthy's name on this list8 ,well1 you can just bet your life it is1 and it's the very first one6 ,is thot so1 ,mc,manus8 ,yes1 thot's so4 ,mc,carthy1 taking off his coat and rolling up his sleeves1 said3 ,look here1 ,mc,manus1 ,i can lick you4 ,did you say you thought you could lick me8 ,i said ,i can lick you4 ,you say you can lick me8 ,yes1 thot's what ,i said4 ,all right4 ,off goes your name from the list4 ,,and ,,she ,,cried ,,by ,,minna ,,irving ,miss ,muriel ,million was sitting alone1 ,with a very disconsolate air2 ,her fluffy blue tea-gown was fastened awry1 ,and frowsy and rumpled her hair4 ,oh1 what is the matter8 ,i said in alarm1 ,i beg you in me to confide4 ,but she buried her face in her 'kerchief of lace1 ,and she cried1 and she cried1 and she cried4 ,come out for a spin in the automobile1 ,the motor-boat waits at the pier2 ,or let's take a drive in the sunshiny park1 ,or a canter on horseback1 my dear4 ,t'was thus that ,i coaxed her in lover-like tones1 ,as ,i tenderly knelt at her side1 ,but refusing all comfort she pushed me aside1 ,while she cried1 and she cried1 and she cried4 ,pray whisper1 my darling1 this terrible wo1 ,you know ,i would love you the same1 ,if the millions of papa vanish in smoke ,and you hadn't a cent to your name1 ,if you came to the church in a garment of rags ,i would wed you with rapturous pride4 ,she nestled her cheek to my shoulder at this1 ,tho she cried1 and she cried1 and she cried4 ,you know1 she exclaimed in a piteous wail1 ,that love of a hat that ,i wore8-- ,the one with pink roses and chiffon behind1 ,and a fluffy pink feather before8-- ,i paid ,madame ,modeste a hundred for that1 ,and our parlor-maid1 ,flora ,mc,bride1 ,has got one just like it for three twenty-five6 ,and she cried1 and she cried1 and she cried4 ,by permission of the author and of the ,new ,york ,herald4 ,,dot ,,leedle ,,boy ,,by ,,james ,,whitcomb ,,riley ,ot's a leedle ,gristmas story ,dot ,i told der leedle folks-- ,und ,i vant you stop dot laughin' ,und grackin' funny jokes6-- ,so help me ,peter-,moses6 ,ot's no time for monkeyshine1 ,ober ,i vas told you somedings ,of dot leedle boy of mine6 ,ot vas von cold vinter vedder1 ,ven the snow was all about-- ,dot you have to chop der hatchet ,eef you got der sauerkraut6 ,und der cheekens on der hind leg ,vas standin' in der shine1 ,der sun shmile out dot morning ,on dot leedle boy of mine4 ,he vas yoost a leedle baby1 ,not bigger as a doll ,dot time ,i got acquaintet-- ,ach6 you ought to heard 'im squall6-- ,i grackys6 dot's der moosie ,ot make me feel so fine ,ven first ,i vas been marriet-- ,oh1 dot leedle boy of mine6 ,he look' yoost like his fader6-- ,so1 ven der vimmen said1 ,vot a purty leedle baby6 ,katrina shake her head-- ,i dink she must 'a' notice ,dot der baby vas a-gryin'1 ,und she cover up der blankets ,of dot leedle boy of mine4 ,vell1 ven he vas got bigger1 ,dot he grawl und bump his nose1 ,und make der table over1 ,und molasses on his glothes-- ,dot make 'im all der sweeter1-- ,so ,i say to my ,katrina3 ,better you vas quit a-sphankin' ,dot leedle boy of mine6 ,i vish you could 'a' seen id-- ,ven he glimb up on der chair ,und scmash der lookin'-glasses ,ven he try to comb his hair ,mit a hammer6--,und ,katrina ,say1 ,dot's an ugly sign6 ,but ,i laugh und vink my fingers ,at dot leedle boy of mine4 ,but vonce1 dot vinter morning1 ,he shlip out in der snow ,mitout no stockin's on 'im-- ,he say he vant to go ,und fly some mit der birdies6 ,und ve give 'im medi-cine ,ven he catch der parrygoric-- ,dot leedle boy of mine6 ,und so ,i set und nurse 'im1 ,vile der ,gristmas vas come roun'1 ,und ,i told 'im 'bout ,kriss ,kringle1 ,how he come der chimbly down2 ,und ,i ask 'im if he love 'im ,eef he bring 'im someding fine8 ,nicht besser as mein fader1 ,say dot leedle boy of mine4 ,und he put his arms aroun' me ,und hug so close und tight1 ,i hear der glock a-tickin' ,all der balance of der night6-- ,someding make me feel so funny ,ven ,i say to my ,katrina1 ,let us go und fill der stockin's1 ,of dot leedle boy of mine4 ,vell--ve buyed a leedle horses ,dot you pull 'im mit a shtring1 ,und a little fancy jay-bird-- ,eef you vant to hear 'im sing ,you took 'im by der topknot ,und yoost blow in behine-- ,und dot make much spectahkle ,for dot leedle boy of mine4 ,und gandies1 nuts und raisins-- ,und ,i buy a leedle drum ,dot ,i vant to hear 'im rattle ,ven der ,gristmas morning come6 ,und a leedle shmall tin rooster ,dot vould crow so loud und fine ,ven he squeeze 'im in der morning1 ,dot leedle boy of mine4 ,und--vile ve vas a-fixin'-- ,dot leedle boy vake out6 ,i t'ought he been a-dreamin' ,kriss ,kringle vas about1-- ,for he say--,dot's him6--,i see 'im ,mit der shtars dot make der shine6 ,und he yoost keep on a-cryin'-- ,dot leedle boy of mine1-- ,und gettin' vorse und vorser-- ,und tumble on der bed6 ,so--ven der doctor seen id1 ,he kindo shake his head1 ,und veel his pulse--und visper3 ,der boy is a-dyin'4 ,you dink ,i could believe id8 ,dot leedle boy of mine8 ,i told you1 friends--dot's someding1 ,der last time dot he spheak ,und say1 ,goot-by1 ,kriss ,kringle6 --,dot make me feel so veak ,i yoost kneel down und drimble1 ,und bur-sed out a-cryin'1 ,mein ,gott1 ,mein ,gott in ,himmel6-- ,dot leedle boy of mine6 ,der sun don't shine dot ,gristmas6 444 ,eef dot leedle boy vould liff'd-- ,no deefer-en'6 for heaven vas ,his leedle ,gristmas gift6444 ,und der rooster1 und der gandy1 ,und me--und my ,katrina-- ,und der jay-bird--is a-vatin' ,for dot leedle boy of mine4 ,from ,green ,fields and ,running ,brooks1 copyright #ahib4 ,used by special permission of the publishers1 ,the ,bobbs-,merrill ,company4 ,,mr4 ,,dooley ,,on ,,the ,,grip ,,by ,,finlay ,,peter ,,dunne ,mr4 ,dooley was discovered making a seasonable beverage1 consisting of one part syrup1 two parts quinine1 and fifteen parts strong waters4 ,what's the matter8 asked ,mr4 ,mc,kenna4 ,i have th' lah gr-rip1 said ,mr4 ,dooley1 blowing his nose and wiping his eyes4 ,bad cess to it6 ,oh1 me poor back6 ,i feels as if a dhray had run over it4 ,did ye iver have it8 ,ye did not8 ,well1 ye're lucky4 ,ye're a lucky man4 ,i wint to ,m,c,guire's wake las' week4 ,they gave him a dacint sind-off4 ,no porther4 ,an' himself looked natural1 as fine a corpse as iver ,gavin layed out4 ,gavin tould me so himsilf4 ,he was as proud iv ,mc,guire as if he owned him4 ,fetched half th' town in to look at him1 an' give ivry wan iv thim cards4 ,he near frightened ol' man ,dugan into a faint4 ',misther ,dugan1 how old a-are ye8' ',sivinity-five1 thanks be1' says ,dugan4 ',thin1' says ,gavin1 'take wan iv me cards1' he says4 ',i hope ye'll not forget me1' he says4 ',twas there ,i got th' lah grip4 ,lastewise1 it is me own opinion iv it1 tho th' docthor said ,i swallowed a bug4 ,it don't seem right1 ,jawn1 f'r th' ,m,c,guires is a clane fam'ly2 but th' docthor said a bug got into me system4 ',what sort if bug8' says ,i4 ',a lah grip bug1' he says4 ',ye have ,mickrobes in ye're lungs1' he says4 ',what's thim8' says ,i4 ',thim's th' lah grip bugs1' says he4 ',ye took wan in1 an' warmed it1' he says1 'an' it has growed an' multiplied till ye're system does be full if thim1' he says1 'millions iv thim1' he says1 'marchin' an' counter-marchin' through ye4' ',glory be to the saints6' says ,i4 ',had ,i better swallow some insect powdher8' ,i says4 ',some iv thim in me head has a fallin' out1 an' is throwin' bricks4' ',foolish man1' says he4 ',go to bed1' he says1 'an' lave thim alone1' he says2 'whin they find who they're in1' he says1 'they'll quit ye4' ,so ,i wint to bed1 an' waited while th' ,mickrobes had fun with me4 ,mondah all iv thim was quiet but thim in me stummick4 ,they stayed up late dhrinkin' an' carousin' an' dancin' jigs till wurruds come up between th' ,kerry ,mickrobes an' thim fr'm ,wexford2 an' th' whole party wint over to me left lung1 where they cud get th' air1 an' had it out4 ,th' nex' day th' little ,mickrobes made a tobaggan slide iv me spine2 an' manetime some ,mickrobes that was wurkin' f' th' tilliphone comp'ny got it in their heads that me legs was poles1 an' put on their spikes an' climbed all night long4 ,they was tired out th' nex' day till about five o'clock1 whin thim that was in me head begin flushin' out th' rooms2 an' ,i knew there was goin' to be doin's in th' top flat4 ,what did thim ,mickrobes do but invite all th' other ,mickrobes in f'r th' ev'nin'4 ,they all come4 ,oh1 by gar1 they was not wan iv thim stayed away4 ,at six o'clock they begin to move fr'm me shins to me throat4 ,they come in platoons an' squads an' dhroves4 ,some iv thim brought along brass bands1 an' more thin wan hundred thousand iv thim dhruv through me pipes on dhrays4 ,a trolley line was started up me back1 an iv'ry car run into a wagon-load if scrap iron at th' base if me skull4 ,th' ,mickrobes in me head must 've done thimselves proud4 ,they tipped over th' chairs an' tables2 an' in less time thin it takes to tell1 th' whole party was at it4 ,they'd been a hurlin' game in th' back iv me skull1 an' th' young folks was dancin' breakdowns an' havin' leppin matches in me forehead2 but they all stopt1 to mix in4 ,oh1 'twas a grand shindig--tin millions iv men1 women1 an childher rowlin' on th' flure1 hands an' feet goin'1 ice-picks an' hurlin' sticks1 clubs1 brick-bats1 flyin' in th' air6 ,how many iv thim was kilt ,i niver knew2 f'r ,i wint as daft as a hen1 an' dhreamt iv organizin' a ,mickrobe ,campaign ,club that'd sweep th' prim'ries1 an' maybe go acrost an' free ,ireland4 ,whin ,i woke up1 me legs was as weak as a day-old baby's1 an' me poor head impty as a cobbler's purse4 ,i want no more iv thim4 ,give me anny bug fr'm a cockroach to an aygle1 save an' excipt thim ,west if ,ireland ,fenians1 th' ,mickrobes4 ,by permission of ,small1 ,maynard ,company4 ,a ,,rainy ,,day ,,episode ,,anonymous ,one morning recently as ,i was about to start from my home1 ,i noticed that it was raining very hard outside1 and as ,i turned to the rack to get an umbrella ,i was surprized to find that out of five umbrellas there was not one in the lot ,i could use4 ,on the impulse of the moment ,i decided to take the whole five down town to the umbrella hospital and have them all repaired at once4 ,just as ,i started from the door my wife asked me to be sure and bring her umbrella back as she wanted to use it that evening4 ,this imprest the subject of umbrellas very vividly on my mind1 so ,i did not fail to leave the five umbrellas to be repaired1 stating ,i would call for them on my way home in the evening4 ,when ,i went to lunch at noon it was still raining very hard1 but as ,i had no umbrella this simply imprest the subject on my mind4 ,i went to a nearby restaurant1 sat down at a table1 and had been there only a few minutes when a young lady came in and sat down at the same table with me4 ,i was first to finish1 however1 and getting up ,i absent-mindedly picked up her umbrella and started for the door4 ,she called out to me and reminded me that ,i had her umbrella1 whereupon ,i returned it to her with much embarrassment and many apologies4 ,this incident served to impress the subject more deeply on my mind1 so on my way home in the evening ,i called for my umbrellas1 bought a newspaper1 and boarded a street-car4 ,i was deeply engrossed in my newspaper1 having placed the five umbrellas alongside of me in the car1 but all at once ,i had a peculiar feeling of someone staring at me4 ,suddenly ,i looked up from my paper1 and was surprized to see sitting directly opposite me the same young woman ,i had met in the restaurant6 ,she had a broad smile on her face1 and looking straight into my eyes she said knowingly3 ,you've had a successful day1 to-day1 haven't you8 ,i ,,knew ,,he ,,would ,,come ,,if ,i ,,waited ,,by ,,horace ,g4 ,,williamson ,i knew he would come if ,i waited1 ,tho waiting1 it caused me despair2 ,and ,i sat by the window and listened ,to hear his first step on the stair3 ,for ,i knew he would come if ,i waited1 ,but anxiously ,i paced 'round the floor2 ,oh1 to see his own form on the threshold ,as ,i hastened to open the door4 ,would he come8 ,but how dare ,i question ,his faithfulness to his own word2 ,would he dare not come at my calling8 ,or was that his dear step that ,i heard8 ,oh1 ,i rush to the door for to meet him1 ,for to welcome him here after all1 ,for ,i knew he would come if ,i waited1 ,he would come to answer my call4 ,yes1 yes1 it is he on the pavement1 ,he's coming1 he's ringing the bell1 ,and my heart beats wild with rapture ,of a joy which ,i never can tell1 ,for ,i knew he would come if ,i waited1 ,yes1 he'd come at my call2 joy1 ,o joy1 ,what happiness it is to welcome ,just to welcome3 the messenger boy4 ,,love',s ,,moods ,,and ,,senses ,,anonymous ,sally ,salter1 she was a young lady who taught1 ,and her friend ,charley ,church was a preacher who praught6 ,tho his enemies called him a screecher who scraught4 ,his heart when he saw her kept sinking1 and sunk1 ,and his eye1 meeting hers1 began winking1 and wunk2 ,while she in her turn fell to thinking1 and thunk4 ,he hastened to woo her1 and sweetly he wooed1 ,for his love grew until to a mountain it grewed1 ,and what he was longing to do then he doed4 ,in secret he wanted to speak1 and he spoke1 ,to seek with his lips what his heart long had soke2 ,so he managed to let the truth leak1 and it loke4 ,he asked her to ride to the church1 and they rode1 ,they so sweetly did glide1 that they both thought they glode1 ,and they came to the place to be tied1 and were tode4 ,then1 homeward1 he said1 let us drive1 and they drove1 ,and soon as they wished to arrive1 they arrove2 ,for whatever he couldn't contrive she controve4 ,the kiss he was dying to steal1 then he stole3 ,at the feet where he wanted to kneel1 then he knole1 ,and said1 ,i feel better than ever ,i fole4 ,so they to each other kept clinging and clung2 ,while time his swift circuit was winging1 and wung2 ,and this was the thing he was bringing1 and brung3 ,the man ,sally wanted to catch1 and had caught-- ,that she wanted from others to snatch1 and had snaught-- ,was the one that she now liked to scratch1 and she scraught4 ,and ,charley's warm love began freezing1 and froze1 ,while he took to teasing1 and cruelly toze ,the girl he had wished to be squeezing1 and squoze4 ,wretch6 he cried1 when she threatened to leave him1 and left1 ,how could you deceive me1 as you have deceft8 ,and she answered1 ,i promised to cleave1 and ,i've cleft6 ,a ,,nocturnal ,,sketch ,,by ,,thomas ,,hood ,even is come2 and from the dark park1 hark1 ,the signal of the setting sun--one gun6 ,and six is sounding from the chime1 prime time ,to go and see the ,drury-,lane ,dane slain1-- ,or hear ,othello's jealous doubt spout out1-- ,or ,macbeth raving at that shade-made blade1 ,denying to his frantic clutch much touch2 ,or else to see ,ducrow with wide stride ride ,four horses as no other man can span2 ,or in the small ,olympic ,pit1 sit split ,laughing at ,liston1 while you quiz his phiz4 ,anon ,night comes1 and with her wings brings things ,such as1 with his poetic tongue1 ,young sung2 ,the gas up-blazes with its bright1 white light1 ,and paralytic watchmen prowl1 howl1 growl1 ,about the streets and take up ,pall-,mall ,sal1 ,who1 hasting to her nightly jobs1 robs fobs4 ,now thieves to enter for your cash1 smash1 crash1 ,past drowsy ,charley1 in a deep sleep1 creep1 ,but frightened by ,policeman ,b #c1 flee1 ,and while they're going1 whisper low1 ,no go6 ,now puss1 while folks are in their beds1 treads leads4 ,and sleepers waking1 grumble3 ,drat that cat6 ,who in the gutter caterwauls1 squalls1 mauls ,some feline foe1 and screams in shrill ill will4 ,now ,bulls of ,bashan1 of a prize size1 rise ,in childish dreams1 and with a roar gore poor ,georgy1 or ,charley1 or ,billy1 willy-nilly2-- ,but ,nursemaid1 in a nightmare rest1 chest-prest1 ,dreameth of one of her old flames1 ,james ,games1 ,and that she hears--what faith is man's6--,ann's banns ,and his1 from ,rev4 ,mr4 ,rice1 twice1 thrice3 ,white ribbons flourish1 and a stout shout out1 ,that upward goes1 shows ,rose knows those bows' woes6 ,,katie',s ,,answer ,,anonymous ,och1 ,katie's a rogue1 it is thrue1 ,but her eyes1 like the sky1 are so blue1 ,an' her dimples so swate1 ,an' her ankles so nate1 ,she dazed1 an' she bothered me1 too-- ,till one mornin' we wint for a ride1 ,whin1 demure as a bride1 by my side1 ,the darlint1 she sat1 ,with the wickedest hat1 ',neath a purty girl's chin iver tied4 ,an' my heart1 arrah1 thin how it bate ,for my ,kate looked so temptin' an' swate1 ,wid cheeks like the roses1 ,an' all the red posies1 ,that grow in her garden so nate4 ,but ,i sat just as mute as the dead1 ,till she said1 wid a toss of the head1 ,if ,i'd known that to-day ,you'd have nothing to say1 ,i'd have gone wid my cousin instead4 ,thin ,i felt myself grow very bowld1 ,for ,i knew she'd not scold if ,i towld ,uv the love in my heart1 ,that would never depart1 ,tho ,i lived to be wrinkled an' owld4 ,an' ,i said1 ,if ,i dared to do so1 ,i'd lit go uv the baste1 an' ,i'd throw ,both arms 'round yer waist1 ,an' be stalin' a taste ,uv them lips that are coaxin' me so4 ,then she blushed a more illegent red1 ,as she said1 widout raisin' her head1 ,an' her eyes lookin' down ',neath her lashes so brown1 ,would ye like me to drive1 ,misther ,ted8 ',,sp,,cially ,,jim ,,anonymous ,i wus mighty good-lookin' when ,i was young1 ,peert an' black-eyed an' slim1 ,with fellers a-courtin' me ,sunday nights1 ',spcially ,jim6 ,the likeliest one of 'em all was he1 ,chipper an' han'som' an' trim1 ,but ,i tossed up my head an' made fun o' the crowd1 ',spcially ,jim6 ,i said ,i hadn't no 'pinion o' men1 ,an' ,i wouldn't take stock in him6 ,but they kep' up a-comin' in spite o' my talk1 ',spcially ,jim6 ,i got so tired o' havin' 'em roun' ',spcially ,jim6 ,i made up my mind ,i'd settle down ,an' take up with him4 ,so we was married one ,sunday in church1 ',twas crowded full to the brim2 ',twas the only way to get rid of 'em all1 ',spcially ,jim4 ,,agnes1 ,i ,,love ,,thee6 ,,anonymous ,i stood upon the ocean's briny shore2 ,and1 with a fragile reed1 ,i wrote ,upon the sand--,agnes1 ,i love thee6 ,the mad waves rolled by1 and blotted out ,the fair impression4 ,frail reed6 cruel wave6 treacherous sand6 ,i'll trust ye no more2 ,but1 with giant hand1 ,i'll pluck ,from ,norway's frozen shore ,her tallest pine1 and dip its top ,into the crater of ,vesuvius1 ,and upon the high and burnished heavens ,i'll write1--,agnes1 ,i love thee6-- ,and ,i would like to see any ,dog-goned wave wash that out6 ,,the ,,gorilla ,,anonymous ,o mighty ape6 ,half beast1 half man1 ,thy uncouth shape ,betrays a plan ,the gulf of ,being at a bound to span4 ,thou art the link between ourselves and brutes1 ,lifting the lower to a higher plane2 ,thy human face all cavilers refutes1 ,who sneer at ,darwin as a dreamer vain4 ,how camest thou beneath this canvas tent8 ,within this cage8 behind these iron bars8 ,thou1 whose young days in tropic lands were spent1 ,with strange companions1 under foreign stars8 ,art thou not lonely8 ,what is life to thee ,thus mewed in prison1 innocent of crime1 ,become a spectacle for crowds to see1 ,and reckless boys to jeer at all the time8 ,hast thou no feelings such as we possess8 ,art thou devoid of any sense of shame8 ,rise up1 ,o brother1 and thy wrongs redress2 ,rise in thy might1 and be no longer tame6 ,i paused in my apostrophe4 ,the animal arose2 ,he seized the bars that penned him in3 my blood in terror froze4 ,he shook the cage from side to side2 the frightened people fled2 ,then1 in a tone of savage wrath1 the horrid monster said3 ,i'm hired by the wake to wear the dhirty craythur's shkin2 ,i came from ,tipperary1 and me name is ,micky ,flynn6 ,,banging ,a ,,sensational ,,novelist ,,anonymous ,the other day a stout woman1 armed with an umbrella1 and leading a small urchin1 called at the office of a ,new ,york boys' story paper4 ,is this the place where they fight ,indians8 she inquired of the young man in charge4 ,is this the locality where the brave boy charges up the canyon and speeds a bullet to the heart of the dusky redskin8 and she jerked the urchin around by the ear and brought her umbrella down on the desk4 ,we publish stories for boys1 and---- ,i want to know if these are the premises on which the daring lad springs upon his fiery mustang1 and1 darting through the circle of thunderstruck savages1 cuts the captive's cords and bears him away before the wondering ,indians have recovered from their astonishment8 ,that's the information ,i'm after4 ,i want to know if that sort of thing is perpetrated here6 and she swung the umbrella around her head4 ,i don't remember those specific facts1 but---- ,i want to know if this is the precinct where the adventurous boy jumps on the back of a buffalo and with unerring aim picks off one by one the bloodthirsty pursuers who bite the dust at every crack of the faithful rifle6 ,i'm looking for the place where that sort of thing happens6 and this time she brought the unlucky man a tremendous whack across the back4 ,i think---- ,i'm in search of the shop in which the boy road-agent holds the quivering stage-driver powerless with his glittering eye1 while he robs the male passengers with an adroitness born of long and tried experience1 and kisses the hands of the lady passengers with a gallantry of bearing that bespeaks noble birth and a chivalrous nature6 ,i'm looking for the apartment in which that business is transacted6 ,upon my word1 madam1 ,i---- ,i want to be introduced to the jars in which you keep the boy scouts of the ,sierras6 ,show me the bins full of the boy detectives of the prairie6 ,point out to me the barrels full of boy pirates of the ,spanish main6 and with each demand she brought her umbrella down on the young man's head until he jumped over the desk and sought safety in a neighboring canyon4 ,i'll teach 'em6 she panted1 grasping the urchin by the ear and leading him off4 ,i'll teach 'em to make it good or dance4 ,want to go fight ,indians any more 7twisting the boy's ear78 ,want to stand proudly upon the pinnacle of the mountain and scatter the plain beneath with the bleeding bodies of uncounted slain8 ,propose to spring upon the taffrail and with a ringing word of command send a broadside into the richly-laden galley1 and then mercifully spare the beautiful maiden in the cabin1 that she may become your bride8 ,eh8 ,going to do it any more8 ,the boy exprest his permanent abandonment of all the glories enumerated4 ,then come along1 said she1 taking him by the collar4 ,let me catch you around with any more ramrods and carving knives1 and you'll think the leaping1 curling1 resistless prairie fire has swept with a ferocious roar of triumph across the trembling plains and lodged under your jacket to stay6 ,,hopkins' ,,last ,,moments ,,anonymous ,nurses in hospitals are inclined to lay too much stress on the advantages received by the patients and their duty of thankfulness1 but it is the poor soldier who suffers most from always having his cause to be grateful flung in his teeth4 ,the following true story took place between the chaplain and the hospital orderly3 ,chaplain--,so poor ,hopkins is dead4 ,i should like to have spoken to him once more and soothed his last moments4 ,why didn't you call me8 ,hospital ,orderly--,i didn't think you ought to be disturbed for ',opkins1 sir2 so ,i just soothed him as best ,i could myself4 ,chaplain--,why1 what did you say to him8 ,orderly--,i sez1 '',opkins1 you're mortal bad4' ',i am1' sez 'e4 '',opkins1' sez ,i1 ',i don't think you'll get better4' ',no1' sez 'e4 '',opkins1' sez ,i1 'you're going fast4' ',yes1' sez 'e4 '',opkins1' sez ,i1 ',i don't think you can 'ope to go to 'eaven4' ',i don't think ,i can1' sez 'e4 ',well1 then1 ',opkins1' sez ,i1 'you'll go to 'ell4' ',i suppose so1' sez 'e1 '',opkins1' sez ,i1 'you ought to be wery grateful as there's a place perwided for you1 and that you've got somewhere to go4' ,and ,i think 'e 'eard1 sir1 for 'e just gave a little groan1 turned over1 and then 'e died4 ,,the ,,fairies' ,,tea ,,anonymous ,five little fairies went out to take tea1 ,under the shade of a juniper tree4 ,each had a cup from an acorn cut1 ,and a plate from the rind of a hickory nut4 ,the table was spread with a cloth all of lace1 ,woven by spiders the banquet to grace4 ,oh1 what good things they all had to eat6-- ,slices of strawberry1--my what a treat6 ,honey the sweetest the wild bee could hive1 ,and a humming-bird's egg for each of the five4 ,then they drank their host's health in their favorite drink1 ,which was1--now what was it8 ,can anyone think8 ,why the dew-drop that comes from the heart of the rose ,is the drink of the fairies1 as everyone knows4 ,,counting ,,eggs ,,anonymous ,old ,moses1 who sells eggs and chickens on the streets of ,austin for a living1 is as honest an old negro as ever lived2 but he has the habit of chatting familiarly with his customers1 hence he frequently makes mistakes in counting out the eggs they buy4 ,he carries his wares around in a small cart drawn by a diminutive donkey4 ,he stopt in front of the residence of ,mrs4 ,samuel ,burton4 ,the old lady herself came out to the gate to make the purchase4 ,have you any eggs this morning1 ,uncle ,moses8 she asked4 ,yes1 indeed ,i has4 ,jess got in ten dozen from de kentry4 ,are they fresh8 ,fresh8 ,yes1 indeed6 ,i guantees 'em1 an'--an'--de hen guantees 'em4 ,i'll take nine dozen4 ,you can just count them into this basket4 ,all right1 mum2 7he counts7 one1 two1 free1 foah1 five1 six1 seben1 eight1 nine1 ten4 ,you can rely on dem bein' fresh4 ,how's your son comin' on de school8 ,he must be mos' grown4 ,yes1 ,uncle ,moses2 he is a clerk in a bank in ,galveston4 ,why1 how ole am de boy8 ,he is eighteen4 ,you don't tole me so6 ,eighteen1 and getting a salary already6 ,eighteen 7counting71 nineteen1 twenty1 twenty-one1 twenty-two1 twenty-free1 twenty-foah1 twenty-five4 ,and how's your gal comin' on8 ,she was most growed up de last time ,i seed her4 ,she is married and living in ,dallas4 ,wall1 ,i declar'2 how time scoots away6 ,and you say she has childruns8 ,why1 how ole am de gal8 ,she must be just about---- ,thirty-three4 ,am dat so8 7,counting47 ,firty-free1 firty-foah1 firty-five1 firty-six1 firty-seben1 firty-eight1 firty-nine1 forty1 forty-one1 forty-two1 forty-free4 ,hit am singular dat you has sich ole childruns4 ,you don't look more den forty years old yerseff4 ,nonsense1 old man2 ,i see you want to flatter me4 ,when a person gets to be fifty-three years old---- ,fifty-free6 ,i jess dun gwinter bleeve hit2 fifty-free1 fifty-foah1 fifty-five1 fifty-six--,i want you to pay 'tenshun when ,i count de eggs1 so dar'll be no mistake--fifty-nine1 sixty1 sixty-one1 sixty-two1 sixty-free1 sixty-foah4 ,whew6 ,dis am a warm day4 ,dis am de time ob year when ,i feels ,i'se gettin' ole myself2 ,i ain't long fur dis world4 ,you comes from an ole family4 ,when your fadder died he was sebenty years ole4 ,seventy-two4 ,dat's old1 suah4 ,sebenty-two1 sebenty-free1 sebenty-foah1 sebenty-five1 sebenty-six1 sebenty-seben1 sebenty-eight1 sebenty-nine4 ,and your mudder8 ,she was one ob de noblest-lookin' ladies ,i eber see4 ,you remind me ob her so much6 ,she libed to mos' a hundred4 ,i bleeves she was done past a centurion when she died4 ,no1 ,uncle ,moses2 she was only ninety-six when she died4 ,den she wan't no chicken when she died1 ,i know dat4 ,ninety-six1 ninety-seben1 ninety-eight1 ninety-nine1 one hundred1 one1 two1 free1 foah1 five1 six1 seben1 eight--dar1 one hundred and eight nice fresh eggs--jess nine dozen2 and here am one moah egg in case ,i have discounted myself4 ,old ,mose went on his way rejoicing4 ,a few days afterward ,mrs4 ,burton said to her husband3 ,i am afraid that we will have to discharge ,matilda4 ,i am satisfied that she steals the milk and eggs4 ,i am positive about the eggs1 for ,i bought them day before yesterday1 and now about half of them are gone4 ,i stood right there1 and heard ,moses count them myself1 and there were nine dozen4 ,,the ,,oatmobile ,,anonymous ,ay yust bane oop by ,minnesote ,to sa my ,onkle ,yohn4 ,ay stop me by ,st4 ,paul awhile ,yust for a little fun2 ,an' dere ,ay saw one oatmobile-- ,dat bane de name you call2 ,und yo could tak a ride on heem ,mit out some horse at all4 ,dat bane a purty nice machine ,wit rubber tires an tings2 ,yust sit heem lik a vagon on ,an' he run yust lik mit vings4 ,ay ask dot man vot make heem go8 ,he say1 ,my hade got vheels4 ,he say1 ,he feed heem plenty oat ,an' call heem ,oat-mo-bile4 ,ay say1 ,ay know ,ay bane grane ,sweede ,yust come from ,nord ,dakote1 ,but ,ay dou belave he make heem go ,by feedin' vagin oat4 ,ay say to heem1 ,look here6 ,ay bane ,some time in ,missoure1 ,ay know ,ay'm grane1 but yust de same ,you bet me life1 'show me6' ,dat feller lafe an' shake his head ,an' say1 ,ay bane good show myself1 ,ay say1 ,ay tink ,ay punch your head ,an' lay you on de shelf4 ,ay pick me oop a little stick ,bane layin' on de seat ,an bet me life1 dot ,oat-mo-bile ,yust started oop de street4 ,ay holler1 ,wo-o-o6 but he don' stop ,an' den you bet my life ,ay wish ,ay bane by ,nord ,dakote1 ,at home mit ,ann1 my vife1 ,dat ,oat-mo-bile yust boomped me ,oop de side valk on an' stopt2 ,an' bucked me thro' de window ,of one dem butcher-shop4 ,he split me nose bay my face oop ,he smash me almost dead2 ,he punch de inside of me mouth ,all outside of me hade4 ,he hurt me eye so bad in one ,ay'm blin' yust like a beetle4 ,in oder one1 ,ay can see some ,but only just a little4 ,de las ,ay see of dat machine ,he bane a buckin' still4 ,ay tink he feed too many oat ,tod at old ,oat-mo-bile4 ,ay tell my wife1 if ,i get vell ,you bet ,i vill not monkey ,some anoder time with ,any ,oat-mo-bile4 ,,almost ,,beyond ,,endurance ,,by ,,james ,,whitcomb ,,riley ,i ain't a-goin' to cry no more1 no more6 ,i'm got earache1 an' ma can't make it quit a-tall2 ,an' ,carlo bite my rubber-ball ,an' puncture it2 an' ,sis she take ,an' poke my knife down through the stable-floor ,an' loozed it1--blame it all6 ,but ,i ain't a-goin' to cry no more1 no more6 ,an' ,aunt ,mame wrote she's comin' an' she can't1 ,folks is come there6--,an' ,i don't care if she is my aunt6 ,an' my eyes stings2 an' ,i'm ,ist coughin' all the time1 ,an' hurts me so1 an' where my side's so sore1 ,grampa felt where1 an' he ,says1 ,maybe it's pleurasy6 ,but ,i ain't a-goin' to cry no more1 no more6 ,an' ,i clumbed up an' felled off the fence1 ,an' ,herbert he ist laugh at me6 ,an' my fi' cents1 ,it sticked in my tin bank1 an' ,i ist tore ,purt night my fum-nail off a-tryin' to git ,it out--nen smash it6 ,an' it's in there yet6 ,but ,i ain't a-goin' to cry no more1 no more6 ,oo6 ,i'm so wicked6 an' my breath's so hot1 ,ist like ,i run an' don't rest none ,but ist run on when ,i ought to not2 ,yes1 an' my chin ,an' lips all warpy1 an' teeth's so fast1 ,an's a place in my throat ,i can't swaller past1-- ,an' they all hurt so6 ,an' oh1 my oh6 ,i'm a-startin' ag'in1-- ,i'm a-startin' ag'in1 but ,i won't fer shore6 ,i ist ain't a-goin to cry no more1 no more6 ,by permission from ,his ,pa's ,romance1 copyright1 #aijc1 the ,bobbs-,merrill ,company1 ,indianapolis1 ,ind4 ,,proof ,,positive ,,anonymous ,i stept into my room one day ,and saw some children there at play4 ,i sought my little girl and found her ,with half a dozen youngsters round her2 ,and from the way she slapped her rule1 ,i knew that they were playing school4 ,i gave my little girl a kiss-- ,a pleasure that ,i never miss4 ,a murmur through the schoolroom ran1 ,a smile pervaded every feature1 ,he must be a committeeman6 ,they loud exclaimed4 ,he kissed the teacher6 ,,the ,,irish ,,philosopher ,,anonymous ,,ladies ,,and ,,gintlemen3--,i see so many foine-lookin' people sittin' before me1 that if you'll excuse me ,i'll be after takin' a seat myself4 ,you don't know me1 ,i'm thinkin1' or some of yees 'ud be noddin' to me afore this4 ,i'm a walkin' pedestrian1 a traveling philosopher2 ,terry ,o',mulligan's me name4 ,i'm from ,dublin1 where many philosophers before me was raised and bred4 ,oh1 philosophy is a foine study4 ,i don't know anything about it1 but it's a foine study4 ,before ,i kim over ,i attinded an important meetin' of philosophers in ,dublin1 and the discussin' and talkin' you'd hear there about the world 'ud warm the very heart of ,socrates or ,aristotle himself4 ,well1 there was a great many imminent and learned min there at the meetin1' and ,i was there1 too2 and while we was in the very thickest of a heated argument a man comes up to me1 and says he1 ,do you know what we're talkin' about8 ,i do1 says ,i1 but ,i don't understand yees4 ,could you explain the sun's motion round the earth8 says he4 ,i could1 says ,i2 but ,i'd not know could you understand me or not4 ,well1 says he1 we'll see1 says he4 ,sure'n ,i didn't know anything how to get out of it then2 so ,i piled in1 for1 says ,i to meself1 never let on to anyone that you don't know anything1 but make them believe that you do know all about it4 ,so1 says ,i to him1 takin' up me shillalah this way 7holding up a very crooked stick horizontally73 ,we will take that for the straight line of the earth's equator4 ,how's that for gehoggraphy8 7,to the audience47 ,oh1 that was straight till the other day ,i bent it in an argument4 ,very good says he4 ,well1 says ,i1 now the sun rises in the east4 7,placing the disengaged hand at the eastern end of the stick47 ,well1 he couldn't deny that2 and1 says ,i1 he-he-he-rises in the mornin'4 ,no more could he deny that4 ,very early1 says ,i2 and when he gets up he ',darts his rosy beams ,through the mornin' gleams4' ,do you moine the poetry there8 7,to the audience1 with a smile47 ,and he keeps on risin' an' risin' till he reaches his meridan4 ,what's that8 says he4 ,his dinner-toime1 says ,i4 ,sure'n that's my ,latin for dinner-time4 ,and when he gets his dinner ',he sinks to rest ,behind the glorious hills of the west4' ,oh1 begorra1 there's more poetry4 ,i feel it croppin' out all over me4 ,there1 says ,i1 well satisfied with mesilf1 will that do for ye8 ,you haven't got done with him1 says he4 ,done with him8 says ,i1 kinder mad-like4 ,what more do you want me to do with him8 ,didn't ,i bring him from the east to the west8 ,what more do you want8 ,oh1 says he1 you have to have him back agin in the east the next mornin'6 ,by ,saint ,patrick1 and wasn't ,i near betrayin' me ignorance4 ,sure'n ,i thought there was a large family of suns1 and they riz one after the other2 but ,i gathered meself quick1 and says ,i to him1 ,well1 says ,i1 ,i'm surprized you ax me that simple question4 ,i thought any man 'ud know says ,i1 when the sun sinks to rest in the west that er--when the sun---- says ,i4 ,you said that before says he4 ,well1 ,i want to impress it strongly upon you1 says ,i4 ,when the sun sinks to rest behind the glorious hills of the east--no1 west--why1 he--why1 he waits till it grows very dark and then he goes back in the noight-toime6 ,,belagcholly ,,days ,,anonymous ,chilly ,dovebber with his boadigg blast ,dow cubs add strips the beddow add the lawd1 ,eved ,october's suddy days are past-- ,add ,subber's gawd6 ,i kdow dot what it is to which ,i cligg ,that stirs to sogg add sorrow1 yet ,i trust ,that still ,i sigg1 but as the liddets sigg-- ,because ,i bust4 ,add dow1 farewell to roses add to birds1 ,to larded fields and tigkligg streablets eke2 ,farewell to all articulated words ,i faid would speak4 ,farewell1 by cherished strolliggs od the sward1 ,greed glades add forest shades1 farewell to you2 ,with sorrowing heart ,i1 wretched add forlord1 ,bid you--achew666 ,a ,,pantomime ,,speech ,,anonymous ,have you ever realized what a funny thing it is to see a lot of people talking and gesticulating and not hear a single sound from them8 ,the next time you are in a crowded dining-room1 close your ears with your hands1 and you will be quickly converted to the ,darwinian theory4 ,this was forcibly imprest upon my mind at a political gathering4 ,the hall was very large1 but was crowded to the doors1 so that when ,i reached there ,i was obliged to stand outside and on my toes to see the speakers4 ,please remember that altho ,i could in this way distinctly see the speakers1 ,i was too far away to hear the slightest sound4 ,it was simply a pantomime performance to me1 and ,i shall try to give you a faithful representation of just what ,i saw4 ,simply say3 ,the ,chairman4 ,the rest is pantomime4 ,seat yourself as an old man1 put your right hand behind your ear as if listening to a side remark4 ,repeat to the left4 ,evidently someone has told you it is time to begin4 ,take out your watch and compare it with the clock on the wall behind you4 ,bring out an imaginary pair of spectacles1 clean them with your handkerchief1 and as you put them on your nose draw down your face as old men do4 ,get up with seeming difficulty4 ,the business here is ad lib4 ,point to the speaker of the evening1 who is supposed to be sitting at your right4 ,by silent movements of the lips seem to introduce him to the audience4 ,then suddenly remember that you have something else to say just as you are about to sit down4 ,repeat this two or three times4 ,then sit down at last with much difficulty4 ,then say aloud3 ,the ,speaker4 ,impersonate him as assuming a grandiloquent air4 ,while he speaks in pantomime he rises on his toes and makes numerous gestures4 ,he pounds fist on table4 ,someone evidently interrupts him from the audience4 ,he looks in that direction and then replies4 ,he seems to say to the man to come up on the platform or else get out of the hall4 ,he talks for some time as if in argument1 then dodges as if something has been thrown at him4 ,two or three times he has to dodge in this way and then something seems to have struck him in the face4 ,he takes out his handkerchief and wipes off face and coat4 ,then things are thrown at him from right and left1 while he continues to dodge4 ,at last they come so thick that he rushes off the platform in great alarm4 ,,the ,,original ,,lamb ,,anonymous ,oh1 ,mary had a little lamb1 regarding whose cuticular ,the fluff exterior was white and kinked in each particular4 ,on each occasion when the lass was seen perambulating1 ,the little quadruped likewise was there a gallivating4 ,one day it did accompany her to the knowledge dispensary1 ,which to every rule and precedent was recklessly contrary4 ,immediately whereupon the pedagog superior1 ,exasperated1 did eject the lamb from the interior4 ,then ,mary1 on beholding such performance arbitrary1 ,suffused her eyes with saline drops from glands called lachrymary1 ,and all the pupils grew thereat tumultuously hilarious1 ,and speculated on the case with wild conjectures various4 ,what makes the lamb love ,mary so8 the scholars asked the teacher4 ,he paused a moment1 then he tried to diagnose the creature4 ,oh1 pecus amorem ,mary habit omnia temporum4 ,thanks1 teacher dear1 the scholars cried1 and awe crept darkly o'er 'em4 ,,when ,,pa ,,was ,a ,,boy ,,by ,s4 ,e4 ,,kiser ,i wish 'at ,i'd of been here when ,my paw he was a boy2 ,they must of been excitement then-- ,when my paw was a boy4 ,in school he always took the prize1 ,he used to lick boys twice his size-- ,i bet folks all had bulgin' eyes ,when my paw was a boy6 ,there was a lot of wonders done ,when my paw was a boy2 ,how grandpa must have loved his son1 ,when my paw was a boy6 ,he'd git the coal and chop the wood1 ,and think up every way he could ,to always just be sweet and good-- ,when my paw was a boy6 ,then everything was in its place1 ,when my paw was a boy2 ,how he could rassle1 jump and race1 ,when my paw was a boy6 ,he never1 never disobeyed2 ,he beat in every game he played-- ,gee6 ,what a record there was made6 ,when my paw was a boy6 ,i wish 'at of been here when ,my paw was a boy2 ,they'll never be his like agen-- ,paw was the moddle boy4 ,but still last night ,i heard my maw ,raise up her voice and call my paw ,the biggest goose she ever saw-- ,he ought have stayed a boy4 ,by permission of ,messrs4 ,forbes ,company1 ,chicago4 ,,the ,,freckled-,,faced ,,girl 7,she entertains a visitor while her mother is dressing7 ,,anonymous ,ma's up-stairs changing her dress1 said the freckled-faced little girl1 tying her doll's bonnet-strings and casting her eye about for a tidy large enough to serve as a shawl for that double-jointed young person4 ,oh6 your mother needn't dress up for me1 replied the female agent of the missionary society1 taking a self-satisfied view of herself in the mirror4 ,run up and tell her to come down just as she is in her every-day clothes1 and not stand on ceremony4 ,oh6 but she hasn't got on her every-day clothes4 ,ma was all drest up in her new brown silk1 'cause she expected ,miss ,diamond to-day4 ,miss ,diamond always comes over here to show off her nice things1 and ma don't mean to get left4 ,when ma saw you coming1 she said1 ',the dickens6' and ,i guess she was mad about something4 ,ma said if you saw her new dress she'd have to hear all about the poor heathen1 who don't have silk1 and you'd ask her for more money to buy hymn-books to send to 'em4 ,say1 do the nigger ladies use hymn-book leaves to do their hair up and make it frizzy8 ,ma says she guesses that's all the good the books do 'em1 if they ever get any books4 ,i wish my doll was a heathen6 ,why1 you wicked little girl1 why do you want a heathen doll8 inquired the missionary lady1 taking a mental inventory of the new things in the parlor to get material for a homily on worldly extravagance4 ,so folks would send her lots of nice things to wear1 and feel sorry to have her going about naked4 ,i ain't a wicked girl1 either1 'cause ,uncle ,dick--you know ,uncle ,dick1 he's been out ,west1 and he says ,i'm a holy terror1 and he hopes ,i'll be an angel pretty soon4 ,ma'll be down in a minute1 so you needn't take your cloak off4 ,she said she'd box my ears if ,i asked you to4 ,ma's putting on that old dress she had last year1 'cause she said she didn't want you to think she was able to give much this time1 and she needed a new muff worse than the queen of the cannon-ball islands needed religion4 ,uncle ,dick says you ought to go to the islands1 'cause you'd be safe there1 and the natifs'd be sorry they was such sinners if anybody would send you to 'em4 ,he says he never seen a heathen hungry enough to eat you 'less 'twas a blind one1 and you'd set a blind pagan's teeth on edge so he'd never hanker after any more missionary4 ,uncle ,dick's awful funny1 and makes pa and ma die laughing sometimes4 ,your ,uncle ,richard is a bad1 depraved man1 and ought to have remained out ,west1 where his style is appreciated4 ,he sets a bad example for little girls like you4 ,oh6 ,i think he's nice4 ,he showed me how to slide down the banisters1 and he's teaching me to whistle when ma ain't 'round4 ,that's a pretty cloak you've got1 ain't it8 ,do you buy all your good clothes with missionary money8 ,ma says you do4 ,just then the freckled-faced little girl's ma came into the parlor and kissed the missionary lady on the cheek1 and said she was delighted to see her1 and they proceeded to have a real sociable chat4 ,the little girl's ma can't understand why a person who professes to be so charitable as the missionary agent does should go right over to ,miss ,diamond's and say such ill-natured things as she did1 and she thinks the missionary is a double-faced gossip4 ,,willie ,,by ,,max ,,ehrmann ,a little boy went forth to school ,one day without his chum4 ,the teacher said1 ,why1 you're alone6 ,why doesn't ,willie come8 ,o ,willie6 sobbed the little boy1-- ,there ain't no ,willie now4 ,what do you mean8 the teacher asked1 ,with puzzled1 knitted brow4 ,please1 sir1 the little boy replied1 ,we made a bet fur fun1-- ,which one could lean the farthest out ,our attic1--,willie won4 ,,amateur ,,night ,,anonymous ,it was one of those little evening entertainments where everyone talks at once1 where everyone asks questions and does not wait for an answer4 ,mrs4 ,fitzgibbon1 the hostess1 finally broke into the babble3 ,sh6 ,i want you all to be very quiet4 ,mr4 ,chooker--,mr4 ,chooker1--please don't talk1--don't talk1 please1--,mr4 ,chooker is very excitable4 ,chooker1--yes1 he is one of the ,chookers4 ,young people come off the stairs4 ,sh6 ,i have very great pleasure in introducing to you ,mr4 ,chooker4 ,mr4 ,chooker came forward with a malicious look1 which seemed to say1 ,you all seem to be very happy1--very jolly1--and enjoying yourselves4 ,just wait a bit4 ,i am about to recite a little poem of my own entitled1 ',the ,triple ,suicide6' ,then came the boy of the family1 a kind of child prodigy1 who1 after giving a low and jerky bow1 recited as follows3 7,here impersonate a boy in awkward style47 ,a soldier of the ,legion lay dying in ,algiers1 ,there was lack of woman's nursing1 there was dearth of woman's tears2--there was dearth of woman's tears4 7,stops47 ,the women were crying1 you know4 ,some were crying and others were weeping4 ,those that weren't weeping were crying6 7,pauses1 then bows low1 and begins again47 ,a soldier of the ,legion lay dying in ,algiers1 ,there was lack of woman's nursing1 there was dearth of woman's tears2 ,but a comrade stood beside him1 while his life-blood ebbed away-- while his life-blood ebbed away1--while his life-blood ebbed away ---- ,his blood was flowing along1 you know4 ,there was blood here and there4 ,there was blood spattered over everything1 and---- 7,pauses long1 bows low1 and begins again with great determination and in loud voice47 ,a soldier of the ,legion lay dying in ,algiers1 ,there was lack of woman's nursing1 there was dearth of woman's tears2 ,but a comrade stood beside him1 while his life-blood ebbed away1-- ebbed away1--ebbed away 7gradually begins to cry71--ebbed away 7as if speaking to someone at the side7--eh8 7,exits slowly with hands at eyes silently weeping47 ,the young miss of the family1 recently graduated1 next gave an original poem entitled ,the ,hen1 as follows3 ,tell me not in mournful numbers1 ,life is but an empty dream6-- ,for the hen is dead that slumbers1 ,and things are not what they seem4 ,life is real1 life is earnest1 ,and the shell is not its pen1 ,egg thou wert and egg remainest1 ,was not spoken of the hen4 ,in the world's broad field of battle1 ,in the great barnyard of life1 ,be not like those lazy cattle1 ,be a rooster in the strife4 ,lives of roosters all remind us ,we can make our lives sublime1 ,and when roasted leave behind us ,hen-tracks on the sands of time4 ,hen-tracks that perhaps another chicken ,drooping idly in the rain1 ,some forlorn and henpecked brother1 ,when he sees shall crow again4 ,the gem of the evening1 however1 was a recitation given in fine style by ,mr4 ,chillingworth ,chubb4 ,he had rather a husky voice and a wooden arm4 ,his memory1 moreover1 was defective4 ,the effect of his wooden arm1 which was made to perform the various actions of a real one1 was highly amusing4 7,here the reciter may use ,excelsior1 ,the ,speech of ,mark ,antony1 or some similar selection4 ,the left arm represents the wooden one4 ,the hand should wear a right-hand1 white kid glove1 put on wrong way round with the finger-tips screwed into points4 ,the arm should be assisted in all its movements by the right one4 ,it should be made to move in a jerky and unnatural manner at all its joints4 ,a violent push at the elbow raises it suddenly aloft1 and it is brought again to the side by a tremendous slap from the right hand4 ,finally1 the arm appears to get out of order1 and moves violently in all directions1 until at last the right hand1 after vainly trying to reach it1 pins it down to a table or to some other object4 ,this imitation requires considerable practise1 but when properly done never fails to send an audience into fits of laughter47 ,,bounding ,,the ,,united ,,states ,,by ,,john ,,fiske ,among the legends of our late ,civil ,war there is a story of a dinner-party1 given by the ,americans residing in ,paris1 at which were propounded sundry toasts concerning not so much the past and present as the expected glories of the ,american nation4 ,in the general character of these toasts1 geographical considerations were very prominent1 and the principal fact which seemed to occupy the minds of the speakers was the unprecedented bigness of our country4 ,here's to the ,united ,states6 said the first speaker1--bounded on the north by ,british ,america1 on the south by the ,gulf of ,mexico1 on the east by the ,atlantic ,ocean1 and on the west by the ,pacific ,ocean6 ,but1 said the second speaker1 this is far too limited a view of the subject1 and1 in assigning our boundaries1 we must look to the great and glorious future1 which is prescribed for us by the manifest destiny of the ,anglo-,saxon race4 ,here's to the ,united ,states6--bounded on the north by the ,north ,pole1 on the east by the rising1 and on the west by the setting1 sun6 ,emphatic applause greeted the aspiring prophecy4 ,but here arose the third speaker1 a very serious gentleman1 from the far ,west4 ,if we are going1 said this truly patriotic gentleman1 to lessen the historic past and present1 and take our manifest destiny into account1 why restrict ourselves within the narrow limits assigned by our fellow countryman who has just sat down8 ,i give you the ,united ,states6--bounded on the north by the ,aurora ,borealis1 on the south by the precession of the equinoxes1 on the east by the primeval chaos1 and on the west by the ,day of ,judgment6 ,,der ,,dog ,,und ,,der ,,lobster ,,anonymous ,dot dog1 he vas dot kind of dog ,vot ketch dot ret so sly1 ,und squeeze him mit his leedle teeth1 ,und den dot ret vas die4 ,dot dog1 he vas onquisitive ,vereffer he vas go1 ,und like dot voman1 all der time1 ,someding he vants to know4 ,von day1 all by dot market stand1 ,vere fish und clams dey sell1 ,dot dog vas poke his nose aboud ,und find out vot he smell4 ,dot lobster1 he vas dook to snooze ,mit vone eye open vide1 ,und ven dot dog vas come along1 ,dot lobster he vas spied4 ,dot dog1 he smell him mit his noze ,und scratch him mit his paws1 ,und push dot lobster all aboud1 ,und vonder vat he vas4 ,und den dot lobster1 he voke up1 ,und crawl yoost like dot snail1 ,und make vide open ov his claws1 ,und grab dot doggie's tail4 ,und den so quick as neffer vas1 ,dot cry vent to der sky1 ,und like dot swallows vot dey sing1 ,dot dog vas homevard fly4 ,yoost like dot thunderbolt he vent-- ,der sight vas awful grand1 ,und every street dot dog vas turn1 ,down vent dot apple-stand4 ,der children cry1 der vimmin scream1 ,der mens fell on der ground1 ,und dot boliceman mit his club ,vas novare to pe found4 ,i make dot run1 und call dot dog1 ,und vistle awful kind2 ,dot makes no different vot ,i say1 ,dot dog don't look pehind4 ,und pooty soon dot race vas end1 ,dot dog vas lost his tail-- ,dot lobster1 ,i vas took him home1 ,und cook him in dot pail4 ,dot moral vas1 ,i tole you 'boud1 ,pefore vas neffer known-- ,don't vant to find out too much tings ,dot vasn't ov your own4 ,,he ,,laughed ,,last ,,anonymous ,a young man was sitting in the ,grand ,central ,depot the other day1 holding a baby in his arms1 when the child began to cry so lustily as to attract the attention of everyone around him4 ,by and by a waiting passenger walked over to him with a smile of pity on his face and said3 ,a woman gave you that baby to hold while she went to see about her baggage1 didn't she8 ,yes4 ,ha6 ha6 ha6 ,i tumbled to the fact as soon as ,i saw you4 ,you expect her back1 ,i suppose8 ,of course4 ,ha6 ha6 ha6 ,this is rich6 ,looking for her every minute1 aren't you8 ,yes1 and ,i think she'll come back4 ,well this makes me laugh1--ha6 ha6 ha6 ,i had a woman play that same trick on me in a ,chicago depot once1 but no one ever will again4 ,young man1 you've been played on for a hayseed4 ,i would advise you to turn that baby over to a policeman and get out of here before some newspaper reporter gets hold of you4 ,oh1 she'll come back1 she'll come back4 ,she will1 eh8 ,ha6 ha6 ha6 ,the joke grows richer and richer4 ,now what makes you think she'll come back8 ,because she's my wife and this is our baby4 ,oh--um--,i see1 muttered the fat man1 who got over feeling tickled all at once1 and seeing a dog that a farmer had tied to one of the seats with a piece of clothes-line1 he went over and gave it three swift kicks4 ,,norah ,,murphy ,,and ,,the ,,spirits ,,by ,,henry ,,hatton ,miss ,honora ,murphy1 a young female engaged in the honorable and praiseworthy occupation of general housework1 merely to dispel ennui1 not hearing in some time from the boy at home1 to whom she was engaged to be married1 was advised by the girl next door to consult the spirits4 ,the result ,i shall give as detailed by her to her friend3 ,how kem ,i by the black eye8 ,well1 dear1 ,i'll tell ye4 ,afther what yer wur tellin' me1 ,i niver closed me eyes4 ,the nixt marnin' ,i ast ,maggie1 the up-stairs gerrl1 where was herself4 ',in her boodoore1' sez ,maggie1 an' up ,i goes to her4 ',what's wantin'1 ,nora8' sez she4 ',i've heerd as how me cousin's very sick1' sez ,i1 'an' ,i'm that frettin'4 ,i must go an' see her4' ',fitter fur ye to go ter yer worruk1' sez she1 lookin' mighty cross1 an' she the lazy hulks as niver does a turn from mornin' till night4 ,well1 dear1 ,i niver takes sass from anny av 'em2 so ,i ups an' tould her1 ',sorra taste av worruk ,i'll do the day1 an' av yer don't like it1 yer can find some one else1' an' ,i flounced mesel' out av the boodoore4 ,well1 ,i wint to me room ter dress mesel'1 an' whin ,i got on me sale-shkin sack1 ,i thought av me poor ould mother--may the hivins be her bed6--could only see me1 how kilt she'd be intoirely4 ,whin ,i was drest ,i wint down-stairs an' out the front-doore1 an' ,i tell yer ,i slammed it well after me4 ,well1 me dear1 whin ,i got ter the majum's1 a big chap wid long hair and a baird like a billy-goat kem inter the room4 ,sez he3 ',do yer want ter see the majum8' ',i do1' sez ,i4 ',two dollars1' sez he4 ',for what8' sez ,i4 ',for the sayants1' sez he4 ',faix1 it's no aunts ,i want ter see1' sez ,i1 'but ,luke ,corrigan's own self4' ,well1 me dear1 wid that he giv a laugh ye'd think would riz the roof4 ',is he yer husband8' sez he4 ',it's mighty 'quisitive ye are1' sez ,i1 'but he's not me husband1 av yer want ter know1 but ,i want ter larn av it's alive or dead he is1 which the ,lord forbid6' ',yer jist in the nick o' time1' sez he4 ',faix1 ,ould ,nick's here all the time1 ,i'm thinkin'1 from what ,i hear1' sez ,i4 ,well1 ter make a long story short1 ,i paid me two dollars1 an' wint into another room1 an' if ye'd guess from now till ,aisther1 ye'd never think what the majum was4 ,as ,i'm standin' here1 'twas nothin' but a woman6 ,i was that bet1 ,i was almost spacheless4 ',be sated1 madam1' sez she1 p'intin' to a chair1 'yer must jine the circle4' ',faix1 ,i'll ate a triangle1 av yer wish1' sez ,i4 ',yer must be very quiet1' sez she4 ,an' so ,i set down along a lot av other folks at a table4 ',first ,i'll sing a hymn1' sez the majum1 'an' thin do all yees jine in the chorus4' ,yer must excuse me1 mum1' sez ,i4 ',i niver could sing1 but rather than spile the divarshun of the company1 av any wan'll whistle1 ,i'll dance as purty a jig as ye'll see from here to ,bal'nasloe1 tho it's meself as sez it4' ,two young whipper-snappers begun ter laugh1 but the look ,i gev them shut them up4 ,jist then1 the big chap as had me two dollars kem into the room an' turned down the lights4 ,in a minit the majum1 shtickin' her face close to me own1 whispers3 ',the sperrits is about--,i kin feel them6' ',thrue for you1 mum1' sez ,i1 'fur ,i kin shmell them6' ',hush1 the influence is an me1' sez the majum4 ',i kin see the lion an' the lamb lying down together4' ',bedad6 it's like a wild beastess show1' sez ,i4 ',will yer be quiet8' sez an ould chap next ter me4 ',i hev a question to ax4' ',ax yer question1' sez ,i1 'an' ,i'll ax mine4 ,i paid me two dollars1 an' ,i'll not be put down4' ',plaze be quiet1' sez the majum1 'or the sperrits 'll lave4' ,jist then came a rap on the table4 ',is that the sperrit of ,luke ,corrigan8' sez the majum4 ',it is not1' sez ,i1 'for he could bate any boy in ,killballyowen1 an' if his fisht hit that table 'twould knock it to smithereens4' ',whist6' sez the majum1 'it's ,john ,bunion4' ',ax him 'bout his progress1' sez a woman wid a face like a bowl of stirabout4 ',ah1 batherashin6' sez ,i4 ',let ,john's bunion alone1 an' bring ,luke ,corrigan to the fore4' ',hish6' whispers the majum1 ',i feel a sperrit near me4' ',feel av it has a lump on his nose1' sez ,i1 'for be that token ye'll know it's ,luke4' ',the moment is suspicious1' sez the majum4 ',i hope yer don't want to asperge me character1' sez ,i4 ',whist6' sez she1 'the sperrits is droopin'4' ',it's droppin' yer mane1' sez ,i1 pickin' up a shmall bottle she let fall from her pocket4 ',put that woman out1' sez an ould chap4 ',who do you call a woman8' sez ,i4 ',lay a fing-er on me1 an' ,i'll scratch a map of the ,county ,clare on yer ugly phiz4' ',put her out6' ',put her out6' sez two or three others1 an' they made a lep for me4 ,but1 holy rocket6 ,i was up in a minute4 ',bring on yer fightin' sperrits1' ,i cried1 'from ,julis ,sazar to ,tim ,macould1 an' ,i'll bate them all1 for the glory of ,ireland6' ,the big chap as had me money kem behind me1 and put his elbow in me eye2 but1 me jewel1 ,i tossed him over as ef he'd bin a feather1 an' the money rolled out his pocket4 ,wid a cry of ',faugh-a-ballah6' ,i grabbed six dollars1 runned out av the doore1 an' ,i'll niver put fut in the house again4 ,an' that's how ,i kem be the black eye4 ,,opie ,,read ,,by ,,wallace ,,bruce ,,amsbary ,dis language ,anglaise dat dey spe'k1 ,on ,state of ,illinois1 ,is hard for ,frenchmen heem to learn1 ,it give me moch annoy4 ,las' w'ek ma frien'1 ,mc,goverane ,he com' to me an' say3 ,you mak' a toas' on ,opie ,read ,w'en dey geeve gran' banqay4 ,i mak' a toas'8 ,not on your life6 ,dat man's wan frien' of me4 ,w'at for ,i warm heem op lak' toas'8 ,de reason ,i can't see4 ,an' den ,john laugh out on hees eye ,w'en he is to me say3 ,to mak' a toas' is not a roas'1 ,it's jus' de odder way4 ,dat's how ,i learn dat toas' an' roas' ,is call by different name1 ,dough bot' are warm in dere own way1 ,dere far from mean de same4 ,an' so1 ma frien'1 in lof' ,i clasp ,your gr'ad1 beeg1 brawny han'1 ,an' share vit you in fellowship1 ,an' pay you on deman'4 ,you're built upon a ver' large plan1 ,overe seex feet you rise3 ,you need it all to shelter in ,your heart dat's double size4 ,you are too broad for narrow t'ings1 ,you gr'ad for any creed2 ,i'll eat de roas'1 but drink de toas'1 ,to ma frien'1 ,opie ,read4 ,,the ,,village ,,choir ,after the ,charge of the ,light ,brigade ,,anonymous ,half a bar1 half a bar1 ,half a bar onward6 ,into an awful ditch ,choir and precentor hitch1 ,into a mess of pitch1 ,they led the ,old ,hundred4 ,trebles to right of them1 ,tenors to left of them1 ,basses in front of them1 ,bellowed and thundered4 ,oh1 that precentor's look1 ,when the sopranos took ,their own time and hook ,from the ,old ,hundred6 ,screeched all the trebles here1 ,boggled the tenors there1 ,raising the parson's hair1 ,while his mind wandered2 ,theirs not to reason why ,this psalm was pitched too high3 ,theirs but to gasp and cry ,out the ,old ,hundred4 ,trebles to right of them1 ,tenors to left of them1 ,basses in front of them1 ,bellowed and thundered4 ,stormed they with shout and yell1 ,not wise they sang nor well1 ,drowning the sexton's bell1 ,while all the church wondered4 ,dire the precentor's glare1 ,flashed his pitchfork in air1 ,sounding fresh keys to bear ,out the ,old ,hundred4 ,swiftly he turned his back1 ,reached he his hat from rack1 ,then from the screaming pack1 ,himself he sundered4 ,tenors to right of him1 ,tenors to left of him1 ,discords behind him1 ,bellowed and thundered4 ,oh1 the wild howls they wrought3 ,right to the end they fought6 ,some tune they sang1 but not1 ,not the ,old ,hundred4 ,,billy ,,of ,,nebraska ,,by ,j4 ,w4 ,,bengough ',twas out in ,nebraska--a town they call ,lincoln1 7,i but mention the place1 and everyone's thinkin' ,of ,w4 ,j4 ,b41 the favorite son1 ,who twice for the ,washington sweepstakes has run71 ,but this is not a political story1 ,and has nothing to do with the ,silver question1 ,or ,rate-bills1 or ,trusts1 or even ,old ,glory1-- ,tho ,bryan's name may start the suggestion2 ,and he1 as a matter of fact1 is the source ,of the tale1 which makes it much better1 of course2 ,for it goes to show ,what some may be slow ,to believe1--that this ,democrat1 earnest and stern1 ,on whose lips the eloquent sentences burn1 ,and who never is known to drink or to smoke1 ,has a fondness for fun and enjoys a good joke4 ,it appears that ,billy--if ,i may make free1 7,like the ,g4 ,o4 ,p4 press7 with the ,commoner's name-- ,kept a goat1 with a cognomen just the same1 7,at least ,i suppose such was likely to be1 ,for ,billy's the name of each goat that is he72 ,and ,i likewise suppose1 7,tho nobody knows7 ,that ,william's idea in keeping a goat ,was to make himself sound with the shantytown vote2 ,but be that as it may1 ,it happened one day ,that he went to the court-house1 did ,w4 ,j41-- ,to lodge in due form a complaint--to protest ',gainst the manner in which his estate was assessed2 ,and especially to kick 7,for even a peace-arbitrationist hollers ,when you cut to the quick7-- ,to kick 'gainst the taxing at twenty-five dollars ,of ,billy the goat4 ,i say it's too much1 ,cries ,bryan1 and savors of kingcraft and such6 ,tax-dodging's a thing ,i abhor1 but ,i swear ,this tax is unrighteous1 unjust1 and unfair2 ',tis a tax more odious than taxes on tea1 ,and illegal1 moreover1 for ,i fail to see ,where the law gives you power to impose such a rate1 ,for the statutes don't say that a goat's real estate4 ,i stand on my rights6--,here he threw back his coat1 ,and like ,hampton of old ,stood up brave and bold1 ,i refuse1 he declared1 to be taxed for my goat6 ,the assessor1 a gentle and mild-faced old chap1 ,most anxious to do only that which was right1 ,grew pale with affright ,when he saw the great orators angry eyes snap2 ,but he ventured to speak ,in a mild little squeak1 ,if you will excuse me1 ,i think you're astray2 ,the rules 'nd riglations is printed that way2 ,and ,i haint did nothin' but what ,i am bid2 ,i done it this year as ,i always have did2 ,here's the book2 ,take a look1 ,and read for yerself how the law sets it out1 ,and ,i guess you will see ,i know what ,i'm about4 ,your goat he runs on the highway1 ,i guess8 ,well1 yes1 ,i suppose1 ,says ,bryan1 he does4 ,and he butts1 ,i presume1 don't he1 now1 more or less8 ,yes1 says ,bryan1 no doubt ,he butts when he's out1 ,but what has that got to do with---- ,see here6 ,says the old man1 as one who had made his point clear3 ,i calk'late1 mister1 you hain't read the laws1 ,if you'll just take a look at this here little clause2 ,where the duties of 'sessors it specially notes2 ,it says1 as you see1 ,tax all property ,runnin' and a-buttin' on the highway6 ,and that has jest exactly bin my way2 ,and the 'pinion's sound as oats ,that it taxes on billy-goats ,so you can't git out o' payin' in such a sly way6 ,,dot ,,lambs ,,vot ,,mary ,,haf ,,got ,,anonymous ,mary haf got a leetle lambs already2 ,dose vool vas vite like shnow2 ,und efery times dot ,mary dit vent oued1 ,dot lambs vent also oued mit ,mary4 ,dot lambs did follow ,mary von day of der schoolhouse1 ,vich vas obbosition to der rules of der schoolmaster1 ,also1 vich it dit caused dose schillen to schmile out loud1 ,ven dey dit saw dose lambs on der inside of der schoolhouse4 ,und zo dot schoolmaster dit kick dot lambs quick oued1 ,likevize1 dot lambs dit loaf around on der outsides1 ,und did shoo der flies mit his tail off patiently bound1 ,until ,mary dit come also from dot schoolhouse oued4 ,und den dot lambs dit run right away quick to ,mary1 ,und dit make his het on ,mary's arms1 ,like he would say1 ,i doand vas schkared1 ,mary would keep from drouble ena how4 ,vot vas der reason aboud it1 of dot lambs und ,mary8 ,dose schillen dit ask it dot schoolmaster2 ,veil1 doand you know it1 dot ,mary lov dose lambs already1 ,dot schoolmaster dit zaid4 ,moral ,und zo1 alzo1 dot moral vaz1 ,boued ,mary's lamb's relations2 ,of you lofe dese like she lofe dose1 ,dot lambs vas obligations4 ,,georga ,,washingdone ,,anonymous ,georga ,washingdone vos a vera gooda man4 ,hees fadda he keepa bigga place in ,washingdone ,street4 ,he hada a greata bigga lot planta wees cherra1 peacha1 pluma1 chesnutta1 peanutta1 an' banan trees4 ,he sella to mena keepa de standa4 ,gooda mana to ,italia mana was ,georga ,washingdone4 ,he hata de ,irish4 ,kicka dem vay lika dees4 ,one tay wen litta ,georga1 hees son1 vos dessa high1 like de hoppa-grass1 he take hees litta hatchet an' he beginna to fool round de place4 ,he vos vera fresh1 vos litta ,georga4 ,poota soon he cutta downa de cherra tree lika dees4 ,dat spoila de cherra cropa for de season4 ,den he goa round trea killa de banan an' de peanutta4 ,poota soon ,georga's fadda coma rounda quicka lika dees4 ,den he lifta uppa hees fista looka lika big bunch a banan1 an' he vos just goin' to giva litta ,georga de smaka de snoota if he tola lie4 ,hees eyes blaze lika dees4 ,litta ,georga he say in hees minda1 ,i gitta puncha anyhow1 so ,i tella de square ting4 ,so he holda up hees litta hands lika dees1 an' he calla ,tima6 ,den he says1 ,fadda1 ,i cutta de cherra tree weesa mia own litta hatchet6 ,hees fadda he say1 ,coma to de barn weesa me6 ,litta ,georga1 ,i wanta speeka weesa you6 ,den hees fadda cutta big club1 an' he spitta hees handa1 lika dees6 ,litta ,georga say1 ,fadda1 ,i could notta tella de lie1 because ,i knowa you caughta me deada to rights6 ,den de olda man he smila lika dees1 an' he tooka litta ,georga righta down to ,wall ,street1 an' made him a present of de ,united ,states6 ,,da ',,mericana ,,girl ,,by ,t4 ,a4 ,,daly ,i gatta mash weeth ,mag ,mc,cue1 ,an' she ees ',mericana1 too6 ,ha6 w'at you theenk8 ,now mebbe so1 ,you weell no calla me so slow ,eef som' time you can looka see ,how she ees com' an' flirt weeth me4 ,most evra two1 t'ree day1 my frand1 ,she stop by dees peanutta-stand ,an' smile an' mak' do googla-eye ,an' justa look at me an' sigh4 ,an' alla time she so excite' ,she peeck som' fruit an' taka bite4 ,o6 my1 she eesa look so sweet ,i no care how much fruit she eat4 ,me8 ,i am cool an' mak' pretand ,i want no more dan be her frand2 ,but een my heart1 you bat my life1 ,i theenk of her for be my wife4 ,to-day ,i theenk3 ,now ,i weell see ,how moocha she ees mash weeth me1 ,an' so ,i speak of dees an' dat1 ,how moocha playnta mon' ,i gat1 ,how mooch ,i makin' evra day ,an' w'at ,i spend an' put away4 ,an' den ,i ask1 so queeck1 so sly3 ,you theenk som' pretta girl weell try ,for lovin' me a leetla beet8-- ,o6 my6 she eesa blush so sweet6-- ,an' eef ,i ask her lika dees ,for geevin' me a leetla keess1 ,you s'pose she geeve me wan or two8 ,she tal me3 ,twanty-t'ree for you6 ,an' den she laugh so sweet1 an' say3 ,skeeddoo6 ,skeeddoo6 an' run away4 ,she like so mooch for keessa me ,she gona geev me twanty-t'ree6 ,i s'pose dat w'at she say--skeeddoo-- ,ees alla same ,i lova you4 ,ha6 w'at you theenk6 ,now1 mebbe so ,you weell no calla me so slow6 ,,becky ,,miller ,,anonymous ,i don'd lofe you now von schmall little bit1 ,my dream vas blayed oudt1 so blease git up and git1 ,your false-heardted vays ,i can't got along mit-- ,go vay1 ,becky ,miller1 go vay6 ,vas all der young vomans so false-heardted like you1 ,mit a face so bright1 but a heart black and plue1 ,und all der vhile schworing you lofed me so drue-- ,go vay1 ,becky ,miller1 go vay6 ,vy1 vonce ,i t'ought you vas a shtar vay up high2 ,i like you so better as gogonut bie2 ,but oh1 ,becky ,miller1 you hafe profed von big lie-- ,go vay1 ,becky ,miller1 go vay6 ,you dook all de bresents vat ,i did bresent1 ,yes1 gobbled up efery virst thing vot ,i sent2 ,all der vhile mit anoder rooster you vent-- ,go vay1 ,becky ,miller1 go vay6 ,vhen first ,i found oudt you vas such a big lie1 ,i didn't know vedder to schmudder or die2 ,bud now1 by der chingo1 ,i don't efen cry-- ,go vay1 ,becky ,miller1 go vay6 ,don'd dry make belief you vas sorry aboudt1 ,i don'd belief a dings vot comes oudt by your moudt2 ,und besides ,i don'd care1 for you vas blayed oudt-- ,go vay1 ,becky ,miller1 go vay6 ,p4 ,s4 7pooty short7--,vell1 he dold ,becky to go avay enough dimes1 enner how4 ,i dinks he vas an uckly vellow4 ,vell1 berhaps dot serfs ,becky choost right for daking bresents from von vellow1 vhile she vas vinking her nose by anoder vellow4 ,,pat ,,and ,,the ,,mayor ,,anonymous ,an ,irishman named ,patrick ,maloney1 recently landed1 called upon the mayor to see if he could give him a position on the police force4 ,the mayor1 thinking he would have some fun with him1 said3 ,before ,i can do anything for you1 you will have to pass a ,civil ,service examination4 ,ah1 dthin1 said ,pat1 and pfhat is the ,civil ,sarvice8 ,it means that you must answer three questions ,i put to you1 and if you answer them correctly ,i may be able to place you4 ,well1 said ,pat1 ,i think ,i can answer dthim if they're not too hard4 ,the first question is1 ',what is the weight of the moon8' ,ah1 now1 how can ,i tell you that8 ,shure and ,i don't know4 ,well1 try the second one1 ',how many stars are in the sky8' ,now you're pokin' fun at me4 ,how do ,i know how many ,stars there are in the shky8 ,then try the third question1 and if you answer it correctly ,i'll forgive you the others1 ',what am ,i thinking of8' ,pfhat are you thinkin' of8 ,shure1 how can any man tell what you politicians are thinkin' about4 ,bedad ,i don't belave you know pfhat you're thinkin' about yourself4 ,i guess ,i'll be lookin' for work ilsewhere1 so good-day to you6 ,the mayor called ,pat back and told him not to be discouraged1 but to go home and think about it1 and if on the morrow he thought he could answer the questions to come down again and he would give him another chance4 ,so ,pat went home and told his brother ,mike about it1 whereupon ,mike said3 ,now you give me dthim clothes of yours and ,i'll go down and answer his questions for him4 ,so next morning ,mike went down bright and early1 and the mayor recognizing ,patrick as he thought1 said3 ,ah1 good morning1 ,patrick4 ,have you really come back to answer those three questions ,i put to you yesterday8 ,yis1 ,i have4 ,well the first question is1 ',what is the weight of the moon8' ,the weight of the moon is one hundred pounds1 twenty-five pounds to each quarther1 four quarthers make one hundred4 ,capital1 ,patrick1 capital6 ,now the second question is1 ',how many stars are in the sky8' ,how many shtars are in the shky8 ,there are four billion1 sivin million1 noine hundred and thirty-two tousand and one4 ,splendid1 ,patrick1 splendid4 ,now look out for the last question which is1 ',what am ,i thinking of8' ,pfhat are you thinkin' of8 ,well ,i know pfhat you're thinkin' of4 ,you're thinkin' ,i'm ,pat1 but you're tirribly mistakin'2 ,i'm his brother ,mike6 ,,the ,,wind ,,and ,,the ,,moon ,,by ,,george ,,macdonald ,said the wind to the moon1 ,i will blow you out4 ,you stare ,in the air ,like a ghost in a chair1 ,always looking what ,i am about2 ,i hate to be watched2 ,i will blow you out4 ,the wind blew hard and out went the moon4 ,so1 deep ,on a heap ,of clouds1 to sleep1 ,down lay the wind1 and slumbered soon-- ,muttering low1 ,i've done for that moon4 ,he turned in his bed2 she was there again6 ,on high ,in the sky1 ,with her one ghost eye1 ,the moon shone white and alive and plain4 ,said the wind--,i will blow you out again4 ,the wind blew hard1 and the moon grew dim4 ,with my sledge ,and my wedge ,i have knocked off her edge6 ,if only ,i blow right fierce and grim1 ,the creature will soon be dimmer than dim4 ,he blew and he blew1 and she thinned to a thread4 ,one puff ,more's enough ,to blow her to snuff6 ,one good puff more where the last was bred1 ,and glimmer1 glimmer1 glum will go the thread6 ,he blew a great blast1 and the thread was gone2 ,in the air ,nowhere ,was a moonbeam bare2 ,far off and harmless the shy stars shone2 ,sure and certain the moon was gone6 ,the wind1 he took to his revels once more2 ,on down1 ,in town1 ,like a merry mad clown1 ,he leaped and halloed with whistle and roar1 ,what's that8 ,the glimmering thread once more6 ,he flew in a rage--he danced and blew2 ,but in vain ,was the pain ,of his bursting brain2 ,for still the broader the moon-scrap grew1 ,the broader he swelled his big cheeks and blew4 ,slowly she grew--till she filled the night1 ,and shone ,on her throne ,in the sky alone1 ,a matchless1 wonderful1 silvery light1 ,radiant and lovely1 the ,queen of the ,night4 ,said the wind--,what a marvel of power am ,i6 ,with my breath ,good faith6 ,i blew her to death-- ,first blew her away right out of the sky-- ,then blew her in2 what a strength am ,i6 ,but the moon she knew nothing about the affair1 ,for1 high ,in the sky1 ,with her one white eye1 ,motionless1 miles above the air1 ,she had never heard the great wind blare4 ,,total ,,annihilation ,,anonymous ,oh1 he was a ,bowery boot-black bold1 ,and his years they numbered nine4 ,rough and unpolished was he1 ,albeit he constantly aimed to shine4 ,proud as a king on his box he sat ,munching an apple red1 ,while the boys of his set looked wistfully on4 ,and give us a bite1 they said4 ,that boot-black smiled a lordly smile-- ,no free bites here1 he cried4 ,then his comrades sadly walked away1 ,save one1 who stood at his side4 ,bill1 give us the core1 he whispered low4 ,that boot-black smiled once more1 ,and a mischievous dimple grew in his cheek-- ,there ain't going to be no core4 ,,ups ,,and ,,downs ,,of ,,married ,,life ,,anonymous ,a well-drest woman walked into a prominent ,new ,york office building the other day and took one of the elevators4 ,her husband saw her from across the street1 and hurrying over took the next elevator4 ,he went to the office where he knew she had business1 and found she had stept in only for a moment and had gone down again4 ,the elevator despatcher said to her3 ,your husband just went up1 and ,i think he's looking for you4 ,she took the next elevator up4 ,just then her husband came down4 ,he looked all around and then inquired3 ,have you seen my wife here8 ,yes1 she went up this minute4 ,he took the next elevator and was just out of sight when she came down4 ,your husband has just gone up4 ,then ,i'll go right up1 as he'll wait for me this time4 ,down came her husband a second afterward4 ,did my wife come down again8 ,yes1 and just went up4 ,she thought you'd wait for her4 ,after waiting a few moments he became impatient and went up again4 ,she had been waiting for him1 and came down4 ,husband just gone up4 ,then ,i'll wait here1 as he will surely come down4 ,she waited a few moments and then hurried up again just as he came down4 ,wife here8 ,just gone up6 ,well ,i'm going home and you tell her---- ,he paused1 turned around and went up again4 ,down she came4 ,did he come down8 ,yes1 and he's gone up again as mad as a hornet4 ,then ,i had better go right up4 ,up she went and down he came4 ,just gone up4 ,well1 ,i'll be hanged if ,i'm going up again4 ,no1 sir6 ,i've seen many ups and downs in my time1 but this is the limit4 ,i'm going to sit right here and wait if she never comes down6 ,when they closed the building for the night1 he was still sitting down-stairs1 and she1 equally determined1 was waiting up-stairs1 while the elevator man remarked3 ,well1 ,i hope dey'll meet in heav'n6 ,,the ,,crooked ,,mouth ,,family ,,anonymous ,in a locality not far removed from the city's busy hum1 there lived a family noted for certain remarkable peculiarities of facial distortion4 ,in the father the lower jaw protruded2 in the mother it receded so that the upper jaw overhung it like a canopy2 the daughter had her face drawn to the left side1 while the son had his drawn to the right1 and in addition to this deformity stammered most dreadfully4 ,while he attempted to talk his face assumed an expression equally grotesque as the caricatures in a yellow journal4 ,the father kept a store and one day a man entered whose face1 strangely enough1 was drawn strongly to the right side4 ,addressing the daughter1 who was standing back of the counter1 he said1 ,i want a pound of tea1 his words coming from the corner of his mouth4 ,what are you making fun of me for8 replied the girl1 her face drawn in the opposite direction4 ,i ain't making fun of you4 ,can't help it4 ,i was born this way4 ,the young lady1 however1 was not satisfied that the stranger was telling the truth1 so1 stepping to the door she called to her father1 ,pa1 there's a man down here making fun of me4 ,the father put in an appearance and demanded of the customer why he had made fun of his daughter4 ,i didn't make fun of her4 ,yes you did1 said the girl4 ,i s-s-saw y-y-you1 stammered the brother1 from out the corner of his twisted face4 ,i tell you ,i didn't4 ,i was born this way4 ,can't talk any other4 ,well1 said the old man1 you would make a good match and you ought to marry each other4 ,this proposition meeting with a favorable consideration1 the two were made one4 ,the entire family went on the wedding tour1 and one night they spent at a country inn where candles were used for purposes of illumination4 ,picking up a candle the groom attempted to blow it out1 but he nearly exhausted himself in the effort without accomplishing his purpose4 ,the bride came to his rescue and blew1 and blew1 and blew1 but with no better result4 ,papa appearing upon the scene1 said1 ,let me have it4 ,i'll show you how to do it1 and he went to work with a noise that sounded like the exhaust of a high-pressure engine1 but the candle stubbornly refused to go out4 ,the mother1 hearing the racket1 then came upon the scene1 and learning of their quandary1 put the candle on her head and blew upward but the flame merely flickered as tho fanned by a gentle zephyr4 ,just then they saw the watchman passing by1 so1 in their extremity1 they called him to their aid and he promptly blew out the candle because he had a straight mouth4 ,,imph-,m ,,anonymous ,when ,i was a laddie lang syne at the schule1 ,the maister aye ca'd me a dunce an' a fule2 ,for somehoo his words ,i could ne'er un'erstan'1 ,unless when he bawled1 ,jamie1 hand oot yer han'6 ,then ,i gloom'd1 and said1 ,imph-m1 ,i glunch'd1 and said1 ,imph-m-- ,i wasna owre proud1 but owre dour to say--a-y-e6 ,ae day a queer word1 as lang-nebbits' himsel'1 ,he vow'd he would thrash me if ,i wadna spell1 ,quo ,i1 ,maister ,quill1 wi' a kin' o' a swither1 ,i'll spell ye the word if ye'll spell me anither3 ,let's hear ye spell ',imph-m1' ,that common word ',imph-m1' ,that auld ,scotch word ',imph-m1' ye ken it means a-y-e6 ,had ye seen hoo he glour'd1 hoo he scratched his big pate1 ,an' shouted1 ,ye villain1 get oot o' my gate6 ,get aff to your seat6 yer the plague o' the schule6 ,the de'il1 o' me kens if yer maist rogue or fule6 ,but ,i only said1 ,imph-m1 ,that pawkie word ,imph-m1 ,he couldna spell ,imph-m1 that stands for an a-y-e6 ,an' when a brisk wooer1 ,i courted my ,jean-- ,o' ,avon's braw lasses the pride an' the queen-- ,when 'neath my gray pladie1 wi' heart beatin' fain1 ,i speired in a whisper if she'd be my ain1 ,she blushed1 an' said1 ,imph-m1 ,that charming word ,imph-m1 ,a thousan' times better an' sweeter than a-y-e6 ,just ae thing ,i wanted my bliss to complete-- ,ae kiss frae her rosy mou'1 couthie an' sweet-- ,but a shake o' her head was her only reply-- ,of course1 that said no1 but ,i kent she meant a-y-e1 ,for her twa een said ,imph-m1 ,her red lips said1 ,imph-m1 ,her hale face said ,imph-m1 an' ,imph-m means a-y-e6 ,,the ,,usual ,,way ,,anonymous ,there was once a little man1 and his rod and line he took1 ,for he said1 ,i'll go a-fishing in the neighboring brook4 ,and it chanced a little maiden was walking out that day1 ,and they met--in the usual way4 ,then he sat down beside her1 and an hour or two went by1 ,but still upon the grassy brink his rod and line did lie2 ,i thought1 she shyly whispered1 you'd be fishing all the day4 ,and he was--in the usual way4 ,so he gravely took his rod in hand and threw the line about1 ,but the fish perceived distinctly1 he was not looking out2 ,and he said1 ,sweetheart1 ,i love you1 but she said she could not stay1 ,but she did--in the usual way4 ,then the stars came out above them1 and she gave a little sigh1 ,as they watched the silver ripples1 like the moments1 running by2 ,we must say good-by1 she whispered1 by the alders old and gray1 ,and they did--in the usual way4 ,and day by day beside the stream1 they wandered to and fro1 ,and day by day the fishes swam securely down below1 ,till this little story ended1 as such little stories may ,very much--in the usual way4 ,and now that they are married1 do they always bill and coo8 ,do they never fret or quarrel1 like other couples do8 ,does he cherish her and love her8 ,does she honor and obey8 ,well1 they do--in the usual way4 ,,nothing ,,suited ,,him ,,anonymous ,he sat at the dinner-table there1 ,with discontented frown4 ,the potatoes and steak were underdone ,and the bread was baked too brown4 ,the pie too sour1 the pudding too sweet1 ,and the mince-meat much too fat1 ,the soup was greasy1 too1 and salt-- ',twas hardly fit for a cat4 ,i wish you could taste the bread and pies ,i have seen my mother make2 ,they were something like1 and 'twould do you good ,just to look at a slice of her cake4 ,said the smiling wife3 ,i'll improve with age4 ,just now1 ,i'm a beginner4 ,but your mother called to see me to-day ,and ,i got her to cook the dinner4 ,a ,,little ,,feller ,,anonymous ,say1 ,sunday's lonesome fur a little feller1 ,with pop and mom a-readin' all the while1 ,an' never sayin' anything to cheer ye1 ,an' lookin' 's if they didn't know how to smile2 ,with hook an' line a-hangin' in the wood-shed1 ,an' lots o' 'orms down by the outside cellar1 ,an' ,brown's creek just over by the mill-dam-- ,say1 ,sunday's lonesome fur a little feller4 ,why1 ,sunday's lonesome fur a little feller ,right on from sun-up when the day commences ,fur little fellers don't have much to think of1 ',cept chasin' gophers 'long the corn-field fences1 ,or diggin' after moles down in the wood-lot1 ,or climbin' after apples what's got meller1 ,or fishin' down in ,brown's creek an' mill-pond-- ,say1 ,sunday's lonesome fur a little feller4 ,but ,sunday's never lonesome fur a little feller ,when he's a-stayin down to ,uncle ,ora's2 ,he took his book onct right out in the orchard1 ,an' told us little chaps just lots of stories1 ,all truly true1 that happened onct fur honest1 ,an' one 'bout lions in a sort o' cellar1 ,an' how some angels came an' shut their mouths up1 ,an' how they never teched that ,dan'l feller4 ,an' ,sunday's pleasant down to ,aunt ,marilda's2 ,she lets us take some books that some one gin her1 ,an' takes us down to ,sunday-school 't the schoolhouse2 ,an' sometimes she has a nice shortcake fur dinner4 ,an' onct she had a puddin' full o' raisins1 ,an' onct a frosted cake all white an' yeller4 ,i think1 when ,i stay down to ,aunt ,marilda's1 ,that ,sunday's pleasant fur a little feller4 ,,robin ,,tamson',s ,,smiddy ,,by ,,alexander ,,rodger ,my mither men't my auld breeks1 ,an' wow6 but they were duddy1 ,and sent me to get ,mally shod ,at ,robin ,tamson's smiddy4 ,the smiddy stands beside the burn ,that wimples through the clachan1 ,i never yet gae by the door1 ,but aye ,i fa' a-laughin'4 ,for ,robin was a walthy carle1 ,an' had ae bonnie dochter1 ,yet ne'er wad let her tak' a man1 ,tho mony lads had sought her4 ,and what think ye o' my exploit8-- ,the time our mare was shoeing1 ,i slippit up beside the lass1 ,an' briskly fell a-wooing4 ,an' aye she e'ed my auld breeks1 ,the time that we sat crackin'1 ,quo' ,i1 ,my lass1 ne'er mind the clouts1 ,i've new anes for the makin'2 ,but gin ye'll just come hame wi' me1 ,an' lea' the carle1 your father1 ,ye'se get my breeks to keep in trim1 ,mysel'1 an' a' thegither4 ',deed1 lad1 quo' she1 your offer's fair1 ,i really think ,i'll tak' it1 ,sae1 gang awa'1 get out the mare1 ,we'll baith slip on the back o't2 ,for gin ,i wait my father's time1 ,i'll wait till ,i be fifty2 ,but na2--,i'll marry in my prime1 ,an' mak' a wife most thrifty4 ,wow6 ,robin was an angry man1 ,at tyning o' his dochter2 ,through a' the kintra-side he ran1 ,an' far an' near he sought her2 ,but when he cam' to our fire-end1 ,an' fand us baith thegither1 ,quo' ,i1 ,gudeman1 ,i've ta'en your bairn1 ,an' ye may tak' my mither4 ,auld ,robin girn'd an' sheuk his pow1 ,guid sooth6 quo' he1 you're merry1 ,but ,i'll just tak' ye at your word1 ,an' end this hurry-burry4 ,so ,robin an' our auld wife ,agreed to creep thegither2 ,now1 ,i ha'e ,robin ,tamson's pet1 ,an' ,robin has my mither4 ,a ,,big ,,mistake ,,anonymous ,recently our church has had a new minister4 ,he is a nice1 good1 sociable man2 but having come from a distant ,state1 of course he was totally unacquainted with our people4 ,therefore1 it happened that during his pastoral calls he made several ludicrous blunders4 ,the other evening he called upon ,mrs4 ,hadden4 ,she had just lost her husband1 and naturally supposed that his visit was relative to the sad occurrence4 ,so1 after a few commonplaces had been exchanged1 she was not at all surprized to hear him remark3 ,it was a sad bereavement1 was it not8 ,yes1 faltered the widow4 ,totally unexpected8 ,oh1 yes2 ,i never dreamed of it4 ,he died in the barn1 ,i suppose8 ,oh1 no2 in the house4 ,ah--well1 ,i suppose you must have thought a great deal of him4 ,of course1 sir1--this with a vim4 ,the minister looked rather surprized1 but continued3 ,blind staggers was the disease1 ,i believe8 ,no1 sir1 snapped the widow1 apoplexy4 ,indeed2 you must have fed him too much4 ,he was always capable of feeding himself1 sir4 ,very intelligent he must have been4 ,died hard1 didn't he8 ,he did4 ,you had to hit him on the head with an ax to put him out of misery1 ,i was told4 ,whoever told you so did not speak the truth4 ,james died naturally4 ,yes1 repeated the minister1 in a slightly perplexed tone1 he kicked the side of the barn down in his last agonies1 did he not8 ,no1 sir1 he didn't4 ,well1 ,i have been misinformed1 ,i suppose4 ,how old was he8 ,thirty-five4 ,then he did not do much active work4 ,perhaps you are better without him1 for you can easily supply his place with another4 ,never1 sir--never will ,i see one as good as he4 ,oh1 yes1 you will4 ,he had the heaves bad1 you know4 ,nothing of the kind6 ,why1 ,i recollect ,i saw him1 one day1 passing along the road1 and ,i distinctly recollect that he had the heaves1 and walked as if he had the string-halt4 ,he could never have had the string-halt1 for he had a cork leg6 ,a cork leg6--remarkable4 ,but really1 now1 didn't he have a dangerous trick of suddenly stopping and kicking a wagon all to pieces8 ,never2 he was not a madman1 sir6 ,probably not4 ,but there were some good points about him4 ,i should think so6 ,the way in which he carried his ears1 for example4 ,nobody else ever noticed that particular merit2 he was warm-hearted1 generous and frank6 ,good qualities4 ,how long did it take him to go a mile8 ,about fifteen minutes4 ,not much of a goer4 ,wasn't his hair apt to fly8 ,he didn't have any hair4 ,he was bald-headed4 ,quite a curiosity8 ,no1 sir2 no more of a curiosity than you are4 ,did you use the whip much on him8 ,never1 sir4 ,went right along without it1 eh8 ,yes6 ,he must have been a very good sort of a brute6 ,the idea of you coming here and insulting me6 she sobbed4 ,if my husband had lived you wouldn't have done it4 ,your remarks in reference to that poor1 dead man have been a series of insults4 ,i won't stand it4 ,he colored and looked dumbfounded4 ,are you not ,mrs4 ,blinkers1 and has not your old gray horse died8 ,i never owned a h-horse1 but my husband died a week ago6 ,ten minutes later the minister came out of that house with the reddest face ever seen on mortal man4 ,and to think1 he groaned1 as he strode home1 that ,i was talking horse to that woman all the time1 and she was talking husband4 ,,lord ,,dundreary',s ,,letter ,,anonymous 7,he enters holding a letter in his hand and a monocle in his eye47 ,i wonder who w-w-wote me this letter8 ,i thuppose the b-b-best way to f-f-find out ith to open it and thee4 7,opens letter47 ,thome lun-lunatic hath w-w-witten me this letter4 ,he hath w-w-witten it upthide down4 ,i w-w-wonder if he th-thought ,i wath going to w-w-wead it thanding on my head4 ,oh1 yeth1 ,i thee2 ,i had it t-t-turned upthide down4 ,amewica4 ,who do ,i know in ,amewica8 ,i am glad he hath g-g-given me hith addwess anyhow4 ,oh1 yeth1 ,i thee1 it ith from ,tham4 ,i alwaths know ,tham's handwiting when ,i thee hith name at the b-b-bottom of it4 ,my dear bwother4 ,tham alwaths called me bwother1 becauthe we never had any thisters4 ,when we were boyths1 we were ladths together--both of us4 ,they used to g-g-get off a pwoverb when they thaw uth com-com-coming down the stweet4 ,it iths awfully good1 if ,i could only think of it4 ,iths--it iths the early bir-bir-bird--iths the early bir-bir-bird that knowths iths own f-f-father4 ,what nonthense that iths6 ,how co-co-could a b-b-bird know iths own father8 ,iths a withe child--iths a withe child--iths a wise child that geths the worm4 ,t-t-that's not wite4 ,wat nonthense that iths6 ,no pa-pa-pawent would allow hiths child to ga-ga-gather worms4 ,iths a wyme4 ,fish of-of-of a feather1--fish of a f-f-feather1--now what nonthense that iths6 ,fish don't have feathers4 ,iths a b-b-bird--iths b-b-birds of a feather1--b-b-birds of a feather--flock together4 ,b-b-birds of a f-f-feather6 ,just as if a who-who-whole flock of b-b-birds had only one f-f-feather4 ,they'd all catch cold4 ,only one b-b-bird could have that f-f-feather1 and he'd fly sidewithse4 ,what con-confounded nonthense that iths6 ,flock to-to-together6 ,of courthse th-th-they'd flock together4 ,who ever heard of a b-b-bird being such a f-f-fool as to g-g-go into a corner and flock by himself8 ,that's one of those things no fellow can find out4 ,i wote you a letter thome time ago---- ,thath's a lie2 he d-d-didn't w-w-wite me a letter4 ,if he had witten me a letter he would have posted it1 and ,i would have g-g-got it2 so1 of courthse1 he didn't post it1 and then he didn't wite it4 ,thath's easy4 ,oh1 yeths1 ,i thee3 but ,i dwopped it into the poth-potht-office without putting any name on it4 ,i wonder who the d-d-dickens got that letter4 ,i w-w-wonder if the poth-pothman iths gwoin' awound asking for a fellow without any name4 ,i wonder if there iths such a fellow1 a fellow without any name8 ,if there iths any fellow without any name1 how doeths he know who he iths himself8 ,i-,i-,i wonder if thuch a fellow could get mawaid4 ,how could he ask a girl to take hiths name if he h-h-had no name8 ,that's one of those things no fellow can find out4 ,i have just made a startling dithcovery4 ,tham's alwaths d-d-doing thomthing4 ,i have dithcovered that my mother iths--that m-m-my mother iths not my m-m-mother2 that a--the old nurthe iths my m-m-mother1 and that you are not my b-b-bwother1 and a--that-that-that ,i was changthed at my birth4 ,how ca-ca-can a fellow be changthed at hith b-b-birth8 ,if he hiths not himthelf1 who iths he8 ,if ,tham's m-m-mother iths not hiths m-m-mother1 and the old nurthe iths hith m-m-mother1 and ,tham iths not my b-b-bwother1 then who the dickens am ,i8 ,stope a minute4 7,points to forefinger of left hand47 ,that's ,tham's m-m-mother1 and that's ,tham's nurthe 7pointing to thumb of left hand74 ,tham's nurthe ith only half the size of hith m-m-mother4 ,well1 that's my m-m-mother 7pointing to second finger of left hand74 ,i can't get my m-m-mother to stand up6 7,all the fingers spring up47 ,hello1 there's a lot of other fellows' m-m-mothers4 ,well1 as far as ,i can make out1 ,tham hath left me no m-m-mother at all6 ,that's one of those things no fellow can find out4 ,i have just purchathed an ethstate som-som-somewhere---- ,dothn't the idiot know wh-wh-where he hath bought it8 ,oh1 yeth3 on the banks of the ,m-,m-,m-,mith-ith-ippi4 ,who iths ,mit-this ,thippi8 ,i g-g-gueth iths ,tham's m-m-mother-in-law4 ,tham's got mawaid4 ,he thayths he felt awfully ner-ner-nervouths4 ,s-s-speaking of m-m-mother-in-lawths1 ,i had a fwiend who had a m-m-mother-in-law1 and he didn't like her very well2 and she felt the thame way toward him2 and they went away on a steamer acwoths the ocean1 and they got shipwecked1 catht away on a waft1 and they floated awound in the water1 living on thuch things ath they could pick up--such ath thardines1 ice-cweam1 owanges1 and other canned goods that were floating awound4 ,when that was all gone1 everybody ate everybody else4 ,f-f-finally only himthelf and hiths m-m-mother-in-law waths left1 and they played a game of c-c-checkers to thee who thould be eaten up--himthelf or hith m-m-mother-in-law4 ,he w-w-won6 ,he thays that wath the only time that he weally cared for his mother-in-law6 ,oh1 herthe a pothscript4 ,by the way1 what do you think of the f-f-following widdle8 ,one of ,tham's widdles4 ,if fourteen dogs with three legs each catch forty-eight rabbits with seventy-six legs in twenty-five minutes1 how many legs must twenty-four rabbits have to get away from ninety-three dogs with two legs each in half an hour6 ,that's one of those things no fellow can find out4 ,,slang ,,phrases ,,anonymous ,it is not strange that children misunderstand our slang phrases4 ,not long ago a gentleman about to go abroad1 made the round of the steamship4 ,when he came back he walked up to the captain and said3 ,captain1 what has become of the old steward8 ,i do not see anything of him this trip4 ,the old steward1--hm1--the old steward1 well1 he got too big for his breeches1 and we fired him4 ,now it happened that a little girl stood by and overheard the conversation1 and not long after a second gentleman made the round of the ship1 and coming up to a fellow traveler said3 ,john1 we do not see anything of the old steward this trip2 what do you suppose has become of him8 ,i do not know1 ,i am sure4 ,i do1 said a small voice4 ,they looked around and saw a little girl peeping out from a cabin door4 ,well1 well1 my little friend1 could you tell us what has become of the old steward8 ,i don't like to say4 ,oh1 that's a nice little girl1 ,i am sure2 was he discharged8 ,yes1 sir4 ,what was the matter8 ,what was the matter8 ,his pants were too short4 ,,the ,,merchant ,,and ,,the ,,book ,,agent ,,anonymous ,a book agent importuned ,james ,watson1 a rich merchant1 living a few miles out of the city1 until he bought a book entitled ,the ,early ,christian ,martyrs4 ,mr4 ,watson didn't want the book1 but he bought it to get rid of the agent2 then taking it under his arm he started for the train which takes him to his office in the city4 ,mr4 ,watson had not been gone long before ,mrs4 ,watson came home from a neighbor's4 ,the book agent saw her1 and went in and persuaded the wife to buy a copy of the book4 ,she was ignorant of the fact that her husband had bought the same book in the morning4 ,when ,mr4 ,watson came back in the evening1 he met his wife with a cheery smile as he said3 ,well1 my dear1 how have you enjoyed yourself to-day8 ,well1 ,i hope4 ,oh1 yes6 had an early caller this morning4 ,ah1 and who was she8 ,it wasn't a 'she' at all2 it was a gentleman--a book agent4 ,a what8 ,a book agent1 and1 to get rid of his importuning1 ,i bought his book1 the ',early ,christian ,martyrs4' ,see1 here it is4 ,i don't want to see it4 ,why1 husband8 ,because that rascally book agent sold me the same book this morning4 ,now we've got two copies of the same book--two copies of the ',early ,christian ,martyrs1' and---- ,but1 husband1 we can---- ,no1 we can't1 either6 ,the man is off on the train before this4 ,confound it6 ,i could kill the fellow---- ,why1 there he goes to the depot now6 said ,mrs4 ,watson1 pointing out of the window at the retreating form of the book agent making for the train4 ,but it's too late to catch him1 and ,i'm not drest4 ,i've taken off my boots1 and---- ,just then ,mr4 ,stevens1 a neighbor of ,mr4 ,watson1 drove by1 when ,mr4 ,watson pounded on the window-pane in a frantic manner1 almost frightening the horse4 ,here1 ,stevens6 ,you're hitched up6 ,won't you run your horse down to the train and hold that book agent till ,i come8 ,run6 ,catch 'im now6 ,all right1 said ,mr4 ,stevens1 whipping up his horse and tearing down the road4 ,mr4 ,stevens reached the train as the conductor shouted1 ,all aboard6 ,book agent6 he yelled1 as the book agent stept on the train4 ,book agent6 hold on6 ,mr4 ,watson wants to see you4 ,watson8 ,watson wants to see me8 repeated the seemingly puzzled book agent4 ,oh1 ,i know what he wants2 he wants to buy one of my books2 but ,i can't miss the train to sell it to him4 ,if that is all he wants1 ,i can pay for it and take it to him4 ,how much is it8 ,two dollars for the ',early ,christian ,martyrs1' said the book agent as he reached for the money and passed the book out the car-window4 ,just then ,mr4 ,watson arrived1 puffing and blowing1 in his shirt sleeves4 ,as he saw the train pull out he was too full for utterance4 ,well1 ,i got it for you1 said ,stevens2 just got it and that's all4 ,got what8 ,got the book--',early ,christian ,martyrs1' and paid---- ,by-the-great-guns6 moaned ,watson1 as he placed his hand to his brow and swooned right in the middle of the street4 ,,the ,,coon',s ,,lullaby ,,anonymous ,heah1 yo' ,rastus1 shet yo' sleepy head1 ,mammy's gwine tuh rock huh lamb tuh res'-- ,ebry little possom coon am sleepin' in its bed1 ,yo's my precious honey--yes yo' am4 ,swing oh2 swing oh2--,lucy whar yo' bin so late8 ,lemme catch a niggah courtin' you1 yes you6 ,hurry up yo' rascals fo' dah's corn bread on de plate1 ,fo' mammy loves huh honey1 yes she do6 7,sings7 ,swing oh2 swing oh2 fo' mammy loves huh honey1 yes she do4 ,swing oh2 swing oh2 fo' mammy loves huh honey1 yes she do4 ,laws now1 ,rastus1 ,i done gwine to swat yo' one ha'd1 ,slap yo' tuh a peak an' break it off-- ,monst'us drefful ,bogie man am waitin' in de ya'd-- ,mammy's only jokin'1 yes she am4 ,swing oh2 swing oh2--,petah1 yes ,i see yo' git6 ,washin'ton1 ,i'll cu'l yo' wool fo' you1 ,neber in dis whole1 roun' wo'ld ,i seen sich chilluns yit1 ,but mammy loves huh honey1 yes she do6 7,sings7 ,swing oh2 swing oh2 fo' mammy loves huh honey1 yes she do4 ,swing oh2 swing oh2 fo' mammy loves huh honey1 yes she do4 7,after the last chorus the speaker should softly hum the tune again1 with an occasional ,sh6 to the audience1 and with pantomime of putting the baby in the cradle1 putting it to sleep1 and softly tiptoeing out47 ,music3 ,swing oh2 ,swing oh2 fo' mam-my loves huh hon-ey1 yes she do4444 ,swing oh2 ,swing oh2 fo' mam-my loves huh hon-ey1 yes she do4 ,,parody ,,on ,,barbara ,,frietchie ,,anonymous ,drough der streeds of ,friedrichtown1 ,mit der red-hot sun a-shinin' down1 ,past dose saloons all filled mit beer1 ,dose repel fellers valked on der ear4 ,all day drough ,friedrichtown so fasd1 ,hosses foot und sojers past1 ,und der repel flag skimmerin' oud so pright1 ,you vould dink1 py jiminy1 id had a ridght4 ,off all der flags dot flopped in der morning vind1 ,nary a vone could enypody find4 ,ub shumbed old ,miss ,frietchie den1 ,who vas pent down py nine score years und den4 ,she took der flag the men hauled down1 ,und stuck it fasd on her nighd-gown1 ,und pud id in der vinder vere all could see ,dot dear old flag so free4 ,yust den ub came ,stonewall ,jack1 ,ridin' on his hosses' pack1 ,under his prows he squinted his eyes1 ,by gracious1 dot old flag make him much surprize4 ,halt6 ,vell1 efery man stood sdill1 ,fire6 vas echoed from hill to hill2 ,id broke der strings of dot nighd-gown1 ,put olt ,miss ,frietchie1 she vas round4 ,she freezed on dot olt flag right quick1 ,und oud of der vindow her head did stick3 ,scoot1 if you must1 dis olt cray head1 ,put spare dot country's flag6 she said4 ,a look of shameness soon came o'er ,der face of ,jack1 und der tears did pour2 ,who pulls oud a hair of dot pauld head ,dies like a donkey6--skip along1 he said4 ,all dot day and all dot night1 ,undil der repels vas knocked oud of sight1 ,und vay pehind from ,friedrichtown1 ,dot flag stuck fasd to dot olt nighd-gown4 ,barbara ,frietchie's vork vas done1 ,she don'd eny more kin hafe some fun2 ,pully for her6 und drop a tear ,for dot olt gal midoud some fear4 ,,before ,,and ,,after ,,by ,,charles ,t4 ,,grilley ,before ,we had been engaged for just a week ,and now that we must part ,the thought of it was maddening1 ,and it nearly broke my heart4 ,as ,i waved her adieux from the steamer ,she answered back from the pier1 ,and ,i murmured softly to myself1 ,my1 but isn't she dear6 ,after ,a year has passed of married life1 ,i received a note to-day ,written in wifey's well-known hand3 ,send me fifty right away6 ,i thought of all she had cost me ,during that one brief year1 ,and then ,i murmured softly1 ,my1 but isn't she dear6 ,,when ,,greek ,,meets ,,greek ,,anonymous ,stranger here8 ,yes1 come from ,varmount ,rutland county4 ,you've hern tell ,mebbe of the town of ,granville8 ,you born there8 ,no6 sho6 ,well1 well6 ,you was born at ,granville was you8 ,then you know ,elisha ,brown1 ,him as runs the old meat market ,at the lower end of town6 ,well6 well6 well6 ,born down in ,granville6 ,and out here1 so far away6 ,stranger1 ,i'm homesick already1 ,tho it's but a week to-day ,since ,i left my good wife standin' ,out there at the kitchen door1 ,sayin' she'd ask ,god to keep me2 ,and her eyes were runnin' o'er6 ,you must know ole ,albert ,withers1 ,henry ,bell and ,ambrose ,cole8 ,know them all8 ,and born in ,granville6 ,well6 well6 well6 ,why1 bless my soul6 ,sho6 ,you're not old ,isaac's nephew6 ,isaac ,green1 down on the flat6 ,isaac's eldest nephew1--,henry8 ,well1 ,i'd never thought of that6 ,have ,i got a hundred dollars ,i could loan you for a minute1 ,till you buy a horse at ,marcy's8 ,there's my wallet6 ,just that in it6 ,hold on tho6 ,you have ten1 mebbe1 ,you could let me keep2 you see ,i might chance to need a little ,betwixt now and half past three6 ,ten4 ,that's it2 you'll owe me ninety2 ,bring it round to the hotel4 ,so you're old friend ,isaac's nephew8 ,born in ,granville6 ,sho6 ,well1 well6 ,what6 policeman1 did you call me8 ,that a rascal going there8 ,well1 sir1 do you know ,i thought so1 ,and ,i played him pretty fair2 ,hundred-dollar bill ,i gave him-- ,counterfeit--and got this ten6 ,ten ahead4 ,no6 you don't tell me6 ,this bad1 too8 ,sho6 ,sold again6 ,,mr4 ,,potts' ,,story ,,by ,,max ,,adeler ,while ,i was over at ,jersey ,city1 the other day1 ,i called on the ,potts4 ,mr4 ,potts is liable to indulge in extravagance in his conversation1 and as ,mrs4 ,potts is an extremely conscientious woman where matters of fact are concerned1 she's obliged to keep her eye on him4 ,potts was telling me about an incident that occurred in the town a few days before1 and this is the way he related it3 ,potts4--,you see old ,bradley over here is perfectly crazy on the subject of gases1 and the atmosphere1 and such things--absolutely wild2 and one day he was disputing with ,green about how high up in the air life could be sustained1 and ,bradley said an animal could live about forty million miles above the earth1 if---- ,mrs4 ,potts4--,not forty millions1 my dear2 only forty miles1 he said4 ,p4--,forty1 was it8 ,thank you4 ,well sir1 old ,green1 you know1 said that was ridiculous2 and he said he'd bet ,bradley a couple of hundred thousand dollars that life couldn't be sustained half that way up1 and so---- ,mrs4 ,p4--,william1 you are wrong2 he offered to bet only fifty dollars4 ,p4--,well1 anyhow1 ,bradley took him up quicker'n a wink1 and they agreed to send up a cat in a balloon to decide the bet4 ,so what does ,bradley do but buy a balloon about twice as big as our barn1 and begin to---- ,mrs ,p4--,it was only about ten feet in diameter1 ,mr4 ,adeler2 ,william forgets4 ,p4--,begin to inflate her4 ,when she was filled1 it took eighty men to hold her1 and---- ,mrs4 ,p4--,eighty men1 ,mr4 ,potts8 ,why1 you know ,mr4 ,bradley held the balloon himself4 ,p4--,he did1 did he8 ,oh1 very well2 what's the odds8 ,and when everything was ready1 they brought out ,bradley's tom-cat1 and put it in the basket1 and tied it in so that it couldn't jump1 you know4 ,there were about one hundred thousand people looking on1 and1 when they let go1 you never heard such a---- ,mrs4 ,p4--,there were not more than two hundred people there4 ,i counted them myself4 ,p4--,oh1 don't bother me6 ,i say you never heard such a yell1 as the balloon went scooting up into the sky1 pretty near out of sight4 ,bradley said she went up about one thousand miles1 and--now don't interrupt me1 ,henrietta2 ,i know what the man said--and that cat1 mind you1 a-howling like a hundred fog-horns1 so's you could a' heard her from here to ,peru4 ,well1 sir1 when she was up so's she looked as small as a pin-head1 something or other burst4 ,i dunno how it was1 but pretty soon down came that balloon a-flickering toward the earth at the rate of fifty miles a minute1 and old---- ,mrs4 ,p4--,mr4 ,potts1 you know that the balloon came down as gently as---- ,p4--,oh1 do hush up6 ,women don't know anything about such things4 ,and old ,bradley1 he had a kind of a registering thermometer fixt in the balloon along with that cat4 ,some sort of a patent machine2 cost thousands of dollars1 and he was expecting to examine it2 and ,green had an idea he'd lift out a dead cat and scoop in the stakes4 ,when all of a sudden1 as she came pelting down1 a tornado struck her--now1 ,henrietta1 what in the thunder are you staring at me in that way for8 ,it was a tornado--a regular cyclone--and it struck her and jammed her against the lightning-rod on the ,baptist ,church steeple1 and there she stuck--stuck on that spire1 about eight hundred feet up in the air4 ,mrs4 ,p4--,you may get just as mad as you like1 but ,i am positively certain that steeple's not an inch over ninety-five feet4 ,p4--,henrietta1 ,i wish to gracious you'd go up-stairs and look after the children4 ,well1 about half a minute after she struck out stept that tom-cat on to the weathercock4 ,it made ,green sick4 ,and just then the hurricane reached the weathercock1 and it began to revolve six hundred or seven hundred times a minute1 the cat howling until you couldn't hear yourself speak--now1 ,henrietta1 you've had your put2 you keep quiet4 ,that cat stood on that weathercock about two months---- ,mrs4 ,p4--,mr4 ,potts1 that's an awful story2 it only happened last ,tuesday4 ,p4 7confidentially7--,never mind her4 ,and on ,sunday the way that cat carried on and yowled1 with its tail pointing due east1 was so awful that they couldn't have church4 ,and ,sunday afternoon the preacher told ,bradley if he didn't get that cat down he'd sue him for a million dollars damages4 ,so ,bradley got a gun1 and shot at the cat fourteen hundred times--now1 you didn't count 'em1 ,henrietta1 and ,i did--and he banged the top of the steeple all to splinters1 and at last fetched down the cat1 shot to rags1 and in her stomach he found the thermometer4 ,she'd ate it on her way up1 and it stood at eleven hundred degrees1 so old---- ,mrs4 ,p4--,no thermometer ever stood at such a figure as that4 ,p4 7indignantly7--,oh1 well1 if you think you can tell the story better than ,i can1 why don't you tell it8 ,you're enough to worry the life out of a man4 ,then ,potts slammed the door and went out1 and ,i left4 ,i don't know whether ,bradley got the stakes or not4 ,,at ,,five ,o',,clock ,,tea ,,by ,,morris ,,wade ,so good of you to come6 ,ah1 thanks4 ,so good of you to come6 ,as if ,i could get along without you6 ,the obligation is all on my side4 ,how sweet of you to say so6 ,now ,i want you to meet ,mrs4 ,slambang4 ,mrs4 ,slambang1 let me present to you my deah friend1 ,mrs4 ,twiddle-twaddle4 ,so glad to know you1 ,mrs4 ,slambang6 ,i have so often heard deah ,mrs4 ,sweet speak of you that ,i feel quite as if ,i knew you4 ,beautiful day1 isn't it8 ,chawming6 ,what a lovely wintah we are having4 ,chawming6 ,so very1 very gay1 isn't it8 ,oh1 very1 very gay6 ,haven't ,i met you at ,mrs4 ,titters' teas8 ,i daresay you have4 ,isn't she a deah8 ,oh1 ,i am extravagantly fond of her6 ,i am1 too4 ,so clevah6 ,of course you go to the opera8 ,oh1 ,i couldn't exist without it4 ,oh1 ,melba6 ,melba6 ,and ,nordica6 ,i rave over them all6 ,i fairly ,,cry over them4 ,and1 do you know1 ,i have a friend who does not care in the least for them4 ,she isn't a bit musical4 ,oh1 how sad6 ,i would die if ,i did not----,who is the tall lady in black over by the piano8 ,i'm sure ,i do not know4 ,what exquisite lace on her gown6 ,do you know that ,i just simply rave over beautiful lace6 ,really8 ,yes1 indeed6 ,i care more for it than for jewels1 because it----,do you know the tall1 fine-looking man who has just come in8 ,i'm sure ,i have seen him somewhere1 and yet ,i can not----,yes1 thank you1 ,i think ,i will have a cup of tea4 ,how lovely the dining-room looks6 ,lovely6 ,mrs4 ,sweet has such exquisite taste6 ,,exquisite6 ,i often say----,how do you do1 my deah8 ,so glad to see you6 ,thanks6 ,so glad to meet ,,you6 ,so good of you to say so6 ,quite well1 deah8 ,oh1 vulgarly so4 ,i really must say good-by to dear ,mrs4 ,sweet and go4 ,i must look in at ,mrs4 ,shoddy's for a few minutes4 ,so must ,i4 ,we'll go together4 ,,how ,,lovely6 ,good-by1 deah ,mrs4 ,sweet4 ,have had such a chawming time6 ,must you go so soon8 ,yes1 really6 ,such a lovely time6 ,so glad6 ,but it is quite naughty of you to go so soon4 ,so glad you came6 ,by-by1 deah4 ,by-by4 ,you will come to see me soon8 ,yes1 indeed4 ,you ,,must4 ,by-by6 ,by-by6 ,and as she gathers up her trailing skirts to walk down the steps1 she says3 ,thank goodness1 that's over6 ,reprinted from ,lippincott's ,magazine4 ,,keep ,a-,,goin'6 ,,by ,,frank ,l4 ,,stanton ,if you strike a thorn or rose1 ,keep a-goin'6 ,if it hails or if it snows1 ,keep a-goin'6 ',taint no use to sit an' whine ,when the fish ain't on your line2 ,bait your hook an' keep on tryin'-- ,keep a-goin'6 ,when the weather kills your crop1 ,keep a-goin'6 ,when you tumble from the top1 ,keep a-goin'6 ,s'pose you're out of every dime8 ,gittin' broke ain't any crime2 ,tell the world you're feelin' prime1-- ,keep a-goin'6 ,when it looks like all is up1 ,keep a-goin'6 ,drain the sweetness from the cup1 ,keep a-goin'6 ,see the wild birds on the wing6 ,hear the bells that sweetly ring-- ,when you feel like sighin'--sing6 ,keep a-goin'6 ,a ,,lover',s ,,quarrel ,,by ,,cynthia ,,coles ,o ,kitty1 you are so sweet1 and ,i do love you so4 ,tell me you love me1 dearie4 ,i do love you1 ,dick2 why1 ,i never supposed ,i could love anybody so much4 ,o little girl1 ,i only wished you loved me half as much as ,i love you4 ,half as much6 ,why1 dear1 ,i love you more than you love me--a great deal more---- ,now1 don't be silly1 pet4 ,it would be impossible for you to love me as much as ,i love you4 ,of course1 ,i love you best4 ,of course you don't6 ,you love me1 ,i know1 but not as much as ,i love you4 ,now1 ,kitty1 be reasonable4 ,i will if you'll admit that ,i do love you best4 ,how can ,i admit what isn't true8 ,well1 you might say it was so just to please me4 ,oh1 no1 dear1 ,i can't do that4 ,because you don't love me enough6 ,oh1 the idea6 ,if you did love me the best1 you'd say anything ,i asked you to1 whether it was true or not4 ,would you do that8 ,of course ,i would4 ,all right1 then you admit that ,i love you best1 because ,i ask you to do so6 ,o ,dick1 how horrid you are6 ,how can you be so cruel to me8 ,there1 there1 don't cry4 ,i'll admit that you love me best1 but ,i only admit it because you ask me to4 ,then that's all right4 ,but1 don't you see1 ,kitty1 when ,i say that because you ask me to1 and you won't say it when ,i ask you to1 that proves ,i love you best after all4 ,there you go on again6 ,i do think you're too mean for anything6 ,well1 never mind1 sweetheart1 let's kiss and be friends4 ,you do love me best ,i'm sure4 ,oh1 no1 ,i don't1 ,dick4 ,oh1 you are so sweet4 ,you love me best1 darling4 ,oh1 no1 ,i don't1 love4 ,you love me best6 ,no1 my ,dick1 you love me best---- ,,casey ,,at ,,the ,,bat ,,by ,,phineas ,,thayer ,it looked extremely rocky for the ,mudville nine that day2 ,the score stood two to four1 with but an inning left to play4 ,so1 when ,cooney died at second1 and ,burrows did the same1 ,a pallor wreathed the features of the patrons of the game4 ,a straggling few got up to go1 leaving there the rest1 ,with that hope which springs eternal within the human breast1 ,for they thought3 ,if only ,casey could get a whack at that1 ,they'd put up even money now1 with ,casey at the bat4 ,but ,flynn preceded ,casey1 and likewise so did ,blake1 ,and the former was a puddin'1 and the latter was a fake1 ,so on that stricken multitude a deathlike silence sat1 ,for there seemed but little chance of ,casey's getting to the bat4 ,but ,flynn let drive a single1 to the wonderment of all1 ,and the much-despised ,blakey tore the cover off the ball4 ,and when the dust had lifted1 and they saw what had occurred1 ,there was ,blakey safe at second1 and ,flynn a-huggin' third4 ,then1 from the gladdened multitude went up a joyous yell1 ,it rumbled in the mountain-tops1 it rattled in the dell2 ,it struck upon the hillside and rebounded on the flat2 ,for ,casey1 mighty ,casey1 was advancing to the bat4 ,there was ease in ,casey's manner as he stept into his place2 ,there was pride in ,casey's bearing1 and a smile on ,casey's face4 ,and when1 responding to the cheers1 he lightly doffed his hat1 ,no stranger in the crowd could doubt 'twas ,casey at the bat4 ,ten thousand eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt1 ,five thousand tongues applauded when he wiped them on his shirt2 ,then while the ,new ,york pitcher ground the ball into his hip1 ,defiance gleamed in ,casey's eye1 a sneer curled ,casey's lip4 ,and now the leather-covered sphere came hurling through the air1 ,and ,casey stood a-watching it in haughty grandeur there4 ,close by the sturdy batsman the ball unheeded sped-- ,that ain't my style1 said ,casey4 ,strike one1 the umpire said4 ,from the benches1 black with people1 there went up a muffled roar1 ,like the beating of storm waves on a stern and distant shore4 ,kill him6 ,kill the umpire6 shouted some one on the stand4 ,and it's likely they'd have killed him had not ,casey raised a hand4 ,with a smile of ,christian charity great ,casey's visage shone2 ,he stilled the rising tumult2 he bade the game go on3 ,he signaled to ,sir ,timothy1 once more the spheroid flew2 ,but ,casey still ignored it1 and the umpire said1 ,strike two4 ,fraud6 cried the maddened thousands1 and echo answered ,fraud6 ,but one scornful look from ,casey and the audience was awed4 ,they saw his face grow stern and cold1 they saw his muscles strain1 ,and they knew that ,casey wouldn't let that ball go by again4 ,the sneer is gone from ,casey's lip1 his teeth are clenched in hate2 ,he pounds with cruel violence his bat upon the plate4 ,and now the pitcher holds the ball1 and now he lets it go1 ,and now the air is shattered by the force of ,casey's blow4 ,ah1 somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright2 ,the band is playing somewhere1 and somewhere hearts are light4 ,and somewhere men are laughing1 and somewhere children shout3 ,but there is no joy in ,mudville--mighty ,casey has struck out4 ,,familiar ,,lines ,,anonymous 7,arranged so that the little ones can always remember them7 ,the boy stood on the burning deck1 ,his fleece was white as snow2 ,he stuck a feather in his hat1 ,john ,anderson1 my ,jo6 ,come back1 come back6 he cried in grief1 ,from ,india's coral strands1 ,the frost is on the pumpkin and ,the village smithy stands4 ,am ,i a soldier of the cross ,from many a boundless plain8 ,should auld acquaintance be forgot ,where saints immortal reign8 ,ye banks and braes o' bonny ,doon ,across the sands o' ,dee1 ,can you forget that night in ,june-- ,my country1 'tis of thee6 ,of all sad words of tongue or pen1 ,we're saddest when we sing1 ,to beard the lion in his den-- ,to set before the king4 ,hark6 from the tombs a doleful sound1 ,and ,phoebus gins arise2 ,all mimsy were the borogroves ,to mansions in the skies4 ,a ,,friendly ,,game ,,of ,,checkers ,,anonymous ,now1 my dear1 said ,mr4 ,italics1 as he drew on his slippers and settled himself for the evening1 if you will get the checker-board1 ,i'll play you a game--you're learning so rapidly that it's really a pleasure to try quits with you4 ,mrs4 ,italics giggled with delight1 kissed her husband on the top of the head and fluttered away to find the board and checkers4 ,after she had found them1 she plumped herself down in a rocking-chair about a foot and a half lower than his easy-chair and arranged the apparatus at an angle of fifty degrees1 whereupon ,mr4 ,italics said3 ,i think you misapprehend my suggestion4 ,i didn't propose to go sliding down hill at this season of the year1 neither do ,i intend to shoot the chutes4 ,my idea was a game of checkers and if you think those men are going to stand around on a board tipped up on one end and wait to be moved1 you are not familiar with their habits4 ,perhaps ,i had better put a book under it2 or if you could lower your knees a little it would come even4 ,oh1 that's your idea1 is it8 ,my knees weren't constructed with special regard to playing checkers4 ,they were put where they are and fastened and they won't run up and down like a flag4 ,do you think ,i'm the india-rubber man from the circus1 or the cork-legged man from ,oskoloosa8 ,if you can't hold up your side of the board1 we won't play4 ,now1 dear1 it's all right4 ,let me see1 is it your move1 or mine8 ,what are you trying to play8 ,do you think this is a game of baseball8 ,don't you know you've got to move cattecornered8 ',taint your move anyway4 ,put that back4 ,there4 ,now ,i'll move there4 ,oh1 ,i know you're going to jump me and take my man1 said ,mrs4 ,italics1 picking up the checker she had moved before and putting it in her mouth4 ,if ,i put it here1 you'll---- ,,swallow ,,it1 why don't you8 ,if you don't want it taken1 why don't you masticate it8 ,can't you leave the thing alone until you get ready to move8 ,put it down before it chokes you4 ,there1 dear 7swallowing it71 ,i've put it down1 but it hurt my throat4 ,what in thunder do you mean by eating up my set of checkers4 ,when ,i said 'put it down' ,i meant put it back on the board4 ,will you please play this game instead of masticating it4 ,if ,i put this man there1 you'll jump it4 ,just watch and see4 ,now1 ,i'll put this man there1--no1--perhaps ,i had better move here1--or ,i think ,i'll---- ,going to move in six places at once8 ,think this is the first of ,may and that you're looking for a new flat8 ',taint your move anyway4 ,now will you please hold the board straight8 ,d'ye think this is a washboard8 ,well it isn't and it isn't a teeter-board either4 ,now1 ,i'll move into your king row4 ,ha6 ha6 ,then do ,i jump these two men and get a king8 ,of course1 ,i do4 ,crown me6 ,i've got the first king6 ,no1 you haven't4 ,i didn't mean that move4 ,if you can't play checkers without cackling like a hen you'd better stop4 ,i'll take back that move4 ,now1 so4 ,now you can move4 ,over here4 ,certainly4 ,that's splendid4 ,now ,i'll take these two men4 ,i didn't see that1 ,i'd rather put it here4 ,too late now4 ,you can't take back a move in this game4 ,you should study your moves first4 ,well1 if ,i jump here ,i get another king4 ,what do you want to tumble them all over for8 ,haven't you got any sense scarcely8 ,you make more fuss over a measly king than most women over a mouse4 ,don't you know it's my move8 ,give me back those men4 ,can't you hold the board straight8 ,what's that8 ,oh1 of course1 you know4 ,you know it all4 ,all you want is a pair of hinges and painted sides to be a checker-box4 ,if ever ,i want to play with some good player ,i'll put the coal-scuttle on your head and move you around for a king4 ,there goes the whole business6 ,now1 are you satisfied8 ,do you wonder a man won't play checkers with a woman8 ,i'll throw the measly things out of the window so that ,i won't waste any time playing with you again4 ,and ,mr4 ,italics suited the action to the word4 ,but then ,mr4 ,italics was such an odd type4 ,,modern ,,romance ,,by ,,henry ,m4 ,,blossom1 ,,jr4 ,information1 speculation2 fluctuation2 ruination4 ,dissipation1 degradation2 reformation or starvation4 ,application1 situation2 occupation1 restoration4 ,concentration1 enervation1 nerve prostration4 ,a vacation4 ,destination1 country station4 ,nice location1 recreation4 ,exploration1 observation2 fascination--a flirtation4 ,trepidation1 hesitation1 conversation1 simulation2 ,invitation1 acclamation1 sequestration1 cold libation4 ,stimulation1 animation2 inspiration1 new potation4 ,demonstration1 agitation1 circulation1 exclamation6 ,declaration1 acceptation1 osculation1 sweet sensation4 ,exultation1 preparation1 combination1 new relation4 ,from ,the ,smart ,set1 ,new ,york4 ,,lullaby ,,by ,,paul ,,laurence ,,dunbar ,kiver up yo' haid1 my little lady1 ,hyeah de win' a-blowin' out o' do's4 ,don' you kick1 ner projick wid de comfo't1 ,less'n fros'll bite yo' little toes4 ,shut yo' eyes an' snuggle up to mammy1 ,gi' me bofe yo' han's1 ,i hol' 'em tight2 ,don' you be afeard an' 'mence to trimble ,des ez soon ez ,i blows out de light4 ,angels is a-mindin' you1 my baby1 ,keepin' off de ,bad ,man in de night4 ,what de use o' bein skeered o' nuffin'8 ,you don' fink de dakness gwine to bite8 ,what de crackin' soun' you heah erroun' you8 ,lawsey1 chile1 you tickles me to def3-- ,dats de man what brings de fros'1 a paintin' ,picters on de winder wid his bref4 ,mammy ain' afeard1 you hyeah huh laffin'8 ,go' away1 ,mistah ,fros'1 you can't come in2 ,baby ain' receivin' folks this evenin'1 ,reckon dat you'll have to call agin4 ,curl yo' little toes up so1 my possum-- ,umph1 but you's a cunnin' one fu' true6 ,go to sleep1 de angels is a-watchin'1 ,an' yo' mammy's mindin' of you1 too4 ,reprinted by permission4 ,,the ,,reason ,,why ,,by ,,mary ,e4 ,,bradley ,when ,i was at the party1 said ,betty 7aged just four71 ,a little girl fell off her chair1 right down upon the floor2 ,and all the other little girls began to laugh but me-- ,i didn't laugh a single bit1 said ,betty1 seriously4 ,why not8 her mother asked her1 full of delight to find ,that ,betty--bless her little heart--had been so sweetly kind4 ,why didn't you laugh1 darling1 or don't you like to tell8 ,i didn't laugh1 said ,betty1 'cause it was me that fell6 ,,how ,a ,,bachelor ,,sews ,,on ,a ,,button ,,anonymous ,this is a very laughable piece of pantomime4 ,it is well to have a small table and a chair1 but everything else is left to the imagination of the audience4 ,the success of the selection depends upon the varied facial expression and other business4 ,it is advisable to first practise with a needle and thread so as to get a correct imitation4 ,first say to the audience3 ,ladies and gentlemen1 ,i shall endeavor to give you an imitation of how a bachelor sews on a button4 ,then seat yourself and take from the table an imaginary spool of thread4 ,hold it in your left hand and pull out several lengths with your right hand4 ,then bite the thread off and put the spool back on the table4 ,hold the end of the thread in your left hand1 then wet the first finger and thumb of your right hand and make the thread into a point4 ,now start to thread your needle4 ,the thread refuses to find the eye of the needle and there is a lot of laughable business here4 ,change your position frequently1 and at every turn vary the facial expression4 ,then blow through the eye of the needle4 ,just as you think you have at last put the thread through1 the needle is lost and you look all over for it4 ,after some difficulty you find it on the floor4 ,then as you seat yourself again you find the thread in a snarl1 so you take the spool again and pull off several fresh lengths4 ,try again to thread the needle and as you get it through the needle's eye1 turn it very carefully around and take hold of the thread with your teeth1 drawing it through slowly with appropriate facial expression4 ,now tie a knot in your thread and to make it secure bite it with your teeth4 ,reach to the table for your imaginary button and place it on the inside of your coat4 ,begin to sew1 with difficulty at first1 pulling the thread through at arm's length4 ,at the third stitch prick your finger and jump as if in great pain4 ,the thread gradually gets shorter4 ,as you seem to gain facility you begin to smile4 ,then wind the thread around the button1 make several short stitches1 and bite it off with your teeth4 ,now stand and try to button your coat4 ,you first feel for the button but can not find it4 ,then you look down at your coat1 but there is no button there4 ,you turn the coat over and discover that you have sewed the button on the inside4 ,with a look of anger you pull the button off the coat1 throw it violently on the floor1 and exit hastily4 ,,christopher ,,columbus ,,anonymous ,deesa man liva in ,italia a gooda longa time ago4 ,he hada a greata heada ever since he was a kidda4 ,not a bigga heada likea de politicians nowaday--not a swella heada4 ,his fadda keepa de standa in ,italia4 ,sella de peanutta and de banan4 ,maka plente de mon4 ,christopher ,colum he say1 ,fadda1 gimma de stamp1 ,i go finda de new world4 ,his fadda he laugh1 ,ha6 ha6 just so4 ,den ,christopher he say1 ,whata you maka fun8 ,i betta you ,i finda new world4 ,after a long time his fadda say1 ,you go finda new world1 and bringa it over here4 ,den de olda man he buy him a grip-sack1 an' giva him boodle1 an' maka him a present of three ships to come over to deesa contra4 ,well1 ,christopher ,colum he saila an' saila for gooda many day4 ,he don't see any landa4 ,an' he say1 ,i giva fiva-dollar-bill if ,i was back in ,italia6 ,well1 he saila1 an' he saila1 an' vera soon he strika ,coney ,island4 ,den dat maka him glad6 ,very soon he coma to ,castle ,garden1 an' den he walka up ,broadway an' he feel very bada4 ,he finda outa dat de ,irish gang has gotta possession of ,new ,yorka6 ,he don't lika de ,irish1 an' de ,shamrocka donta lika him4 ,he donta go vera far before a pleasanter mana speaks to him4 ,he say1 ,how-a-you do1 ,mista ,jones8 ,how a-de folks in ,pittaburg8 ,christopher ,colum he say1 ,i notta ,mista ,jones2 ,i reada the papers2 ,i tinka you sella de green goods1 ha8 ,you go away1 or ,i broka your jaw6 ,den he shaka hees fista deesa way1 an' de man he skedaddle4 ,den he tries to crossa de ,broad-a-way1 but it fulla de mud an' he canta swim4 ,very soon he sees a policeman cluba de mana1 one1 two1 three times1 an' he feel secka de stom'6 ,next he meeta de politicians uppa ,tammany ,hall an' dees wanta him to runna for ,alderman4 ,he getta plenty friend4 ,he learna to settom up at de bar many times4 ,next day he hava heada lika deesa6 ,his fadda writa3 ,why you notta bringa back de new world8 ,i like to hava de earth6 ,christopher ,colum he writa back dat ,new ,yorka is already in de hands of de ,shamrocka4 ,den he goes to ,ohio and buys a place an' calla it after himself--,colum4 ,soon he goa broka an' taka de nexta train home in disgusta1 because he reada in de paper dat de ,fair in '#ic will be holda in ,chicago6 ,,the ,,fly ,,anonymous ,the following is told in child dialect4 ,she finds a fly and speaks to it affectionately3 ,poor little fly6 ,ain't you got anyone to love you8 ,ain't you got any brothers or any sisters1 little fly8 ,ain't you got any aunts1 little fly8 ,ain't you got anyone to love you8 ,your mother loves you1 little fly4 7,she slaps her hand and kills the fly47 ,go home to your mother6 ,,the ,,yarn ,,of ,,the ,,nancy ,,bell ,,by ,w4 ,s4 ,,gilbert ',twas on the shores that round our coast ,from ,deal to ,ramsgate span1 ,that ,i found alone on a piece of stone ,an elderly naval man4 ,his hair was weedy1 his beard was long1 ,and weedy and long was he1 ,and ,i heard this wight on the shore recite ,in a singular minor key3 ,oh1 ,i am a cook1 and a captain bold1 ,and the mate of the ,nancy brig1 ,and a bo'sun tight1 and a midshipmite1 ,and the crew of the captain's gig6 ,and he shook his fists1 and he tore his hair1 ,till ,i really felt afraid1 ,for ,i couldn't help thinking the man had been drinking1 ,and so ,i simply said3 ,o elderly man1 it's little ,i know ,of the duties of men of the sea1 ,and ,i'll eat my hand if ,i understand ,how you can possibly be ,at once a cook and a captain bold1 ,and the mate of the ,nancy brig1 ,and a bo'sun tight1 and a midshipmite1 ,and the crew of the captain's gig4 ,then he gave a hitch to his trousers1 which ,is a trick all seamen larn1 ,and having got rid of a thumpin' quid1 ,he spun this painful yarn3 ',twas in the good ship ,nancy ,bell ,that we sailed to the ,indian sea1 ,and there on a reef we come to grief1 ,which has often occurred to me4 ,and pretty nigh all o' the crew was drowned1 7,there was seventy-seven o' soul71 ,and only ten of the ,nancy's men ,said ',here6' to the muster roll4 ,there was me1 and the cook1 and the captain bold1 ,and the mate of the ,nancy brig1 ,and the bo'sun tight1 and a midshipmite1 ,and the crew of the captain's gig4 ,for a month we'd neither wittles nor drink1 ,till a-hungry we did feel1 ,so we drawed a lot1 and accordin' shot ,the captain for our meal4 ,the next lot fell to the ,nancy's mate1 ,and a delicate dish he made2 ,then our appetite with the midshipmite ,we seven survivors stayed4 ,and then we murdered the bo'sun tight1 ,and he much resembled pig2 ,then we wittled free1 did the cook and me1 ,on the crew of the captain's gig4 ,then only the cook and me was left1 ,and the delicate question1 ',which ,of us two goes to the kettle8' arose1 ,and we argued it out as sich4 ,for ,i loved that cook as a brother1 ,i did1 ,and the cook he worshiped me2 ,but we'd both be blowed if we'd either be stowed ,in the other chap's hold1 you see4 ',i'll be eat if you dines of me1' says ,tom ',yes1 that1' says ,i1 'you'll be4' ',i'm boiled if ,i die1 my friend1' quoth ,i2 ,and ',exactly so1' quoth he4 ,says he1 ',dear ,james1 to murder me ,were a foolish thing to do1 ,for don't you see that you can't cook me1 ,while ,i can--and will--cook you8' ,so he boils the water1 and takes the salt1 ,and the pepper in portions true 7,which he never forgot71 and some chopped shalot ,and some sage and parsley1 too4 ',come here1' says he1 with a proper pride1 ,which his smiling features tell1 '',twill soothing be if ,i let you see ,how extremely nice you'll smell4' ,and he stirred it round and round and round1 ,and he sniffed at the foaming froth-- ,when ,i ups with his heels1 and smothers his squeals ,in the scum of the boiling broth4 ,and ,i eat that cook in a week or less1 ,and--as ,i eating be ,the last of his chops1 why1 ,i almost drops1 ,for a wessel in sight ,i see4 99 99 99 99 99 ,and ,i never grieve1 and ,i never smile1 ,and ,i never larf nor play1 ,but ,i sit and croak1 and a single joke ,i have--which is to say3 ,oh1 ,i am a cook1 and a captain bold1 ,and the mate of the ,nancy brig1 ,and a bo'sun tight1 and a midshipmite1 ,and the crew of the captain's gig6 ,i ,,tol' ,,yer ,,so ,,by ,,john ,l4 ,,heaton ,john ,jones he was the beatenus cuss4 ,allus a-pickin' 'n' sayin' to us3 ,i tol' yer so1 ,i tol' yer so6 ,no matter what happened1 he'd up an' say3 ,yer sorry ye done it1 haint ye1 hey8 ,well1 well1 ,i tol' yer so6 ,when ,kerin-,happuck wuz tuk down sick ,from the pizen ivy she'd gin a lick1 ,he'd tol' us so1 he'd tol' us so4 ',n' ,shadrack's fuss with his mother-in-law1 ,before the weddin' ,john ,jones foresaw2 ,well1 well1 he tol' us so4 ,if a fellow wuz hit by a fallin' tree1 ,or kicked by a horse1 says ,jones1 says he3 ,i tol' yer so1 ,i tol' yer so6 ,if a barn tuck fire1 or a well-sweep broke1 ,we might a-knowed it before ,jones spoke1 ,the time he tol' us so4 ,it got so tejus1 says ,bill one day3 ,ye're a dern ol' idjit1 'ith nothin' ter say ,but 'tol' yer so1' 'n 'tol' yer so1'-- ,a mean1 contemptible1 sneakin' cuss6 ',n' jes from habit1 ,jones sez to us3 ,well1 well1 ,i tol' yer so6 ,,you ,,git ,,up6 ,,by ,,joe ,,kerr ,there's lots of folks that has good times1 ,there's lots that never does2 ,but the ones that don't like morning naps ,is the meanest ever wuz4 ,it's very nice to eat a meal ,with pie for its wind-up2 ',taint half so sweet's th' nap pa spoils ,when he yells1 ,you git up6 ,i'd rather lay in bed and snooze1 ,jest one small minit more ,in the morning1 when the sunshine ,comes a-creeping o'er the floor1 ,then to go to ,barnum's circus or ,to own a bulldog pup4 ,the meanest thing pa ever said ,wuz1 ,come now--you git up6 ,i like to go in swimming1 ,and ,i like to play baseball2 ,i like to fight and fly a kite1 ',n' ,i sometimes like to bawl2 ,but them thare forty winks of sleep ,pa tries to interrup'1 ,is better 'n' all4 ,it breaks my heart ,when pa yells1 ,you git up6 ,i'd stand the hurt and ache and pain ,and all the smart and itch ,of having him turn the bedclothes down ,to wake me with a switch1 ,ef he 'ud on'y jest go 'way ,and let me finish up ,the nap ,i started jest before ,he yelled out1 ,you git up6 ,you bet1 when ,i git growed up big1 ,es rich 'n' old as pa1 ',n' never haf to go to school1 ,nor work nor stand no jaw-- ,i'll sleep all day and all night1 too1 ,and only jest git up ,when ,i git 'nough sleep to suit me ,ef all the world yells1 ,you git up6 ,by permission of ,g4 ,w4 ,dillingham ,company4 ,,presentation ,,of ,,the ,,trumpet ,,anonymous ,in the days of the old volunteer fire department there existed in this city a certain hose company noted for the bravery of its foreman1 whose reckless daring in time of danger1 coupled with his pugilistic attainments1 had made him a local celebrity4 ,the members of his company decided to present him with a handsome silver trumpet1 as an expression of their regard and appreciation of his pluck1 courage and fighting qualities4 ,one of the members was chosen to prepare a fitting speech for the occasion1 and after some weeks of labor announced himself as being thoroughly prepared for the task4 ,in the meantime1 the foreman1 who was supposed to be in blissful ignorance of all the preparations being made to surprize him1 was let into the secret through the kindness of one of the boys4 ,he recognized this as his supreme opportunity to display his literary qualifications in the shape of a speech of acceptance4 ,he secured the services of a literary friend to write a glowing oration1 replete with metaphors1 similes1 and sweet-sounding poetry1 expressing his unworthiness of the honor1 the deep gratitude which words failed him to adequately express1 etc4 ,the night in question at last arrived4 ,the building was filled to overflowing4 ,the band played ,see the ,conquering ,hero ,comes1 and the boys gave three hearty cheers and a tiger for the proud foreman4 ,the chairman advanced to the front1 holding the massive trumpet in one hand1 while his other hand grasped convulsively at the collar of his shirt4 ,after staring around the room and giving a few preparatory coughs1 he said3 ,mr4 ,foreman1 and ,members of ,hose ,company ,number #aj3 ,i--a--a--,i--a--,i----7,looks hard at the floor4 ,begins again with great determination47 ,mr4 ,foreman1 and ,members of ,hose ,company ,number #aj3 ,i--a--a--,i--a--feel--,i feel a----7,puts one hand in his pocket and looks very foolish4 ,begins again1 shouting1 and looking very angry47 ,mr4 ,foreman1 and ,members of ,hose ,company ,number #aj3 ,i--,i--,i--,i feel a--much a pleas----7,word sticks in his throat4 ,very angrily1 and striding toward the foreman47 ,ah6 take your trumpet6 ,a look of consternation spread over the faces of the boys at the failure of their spokesman1 and there were many whisperings of ,i told you so6 ,it was now the foreman's turn4 ,he drew his hand across his mouth and began as follows3 ,mr4 ,chairman1 and ,members of ,hose ,company ,number #aj3 ,it is--it is--it is--it is with a--with a----7,looks at ceiling1 and shifts his position uneasily4 ,begins over again1 with a very confident air47 ,mr4 ,chairman1 and ,members of ,hose ,company ,number #aj3 ,it is with--with a--with a--with a--a--a--a--a heart----7,stops1 stares wildly at the ceiling1 floor and company4 ,begins over again1 very angrily1 and with his body in fighting attitude47 ,mr4 ,chairman1 and ,members of ,hose ,company ,number #aj3 ,i--,i--,i--it is--it is with a heart--with a heart full---full----7,stops4 ,very loud and violently47 ,ah6 give us yer trumpet6 ,,don',t ,,use ,,big ,,words ,,anonymous ,in promulgating your esoteric cogitations1 or articulating your superficial sentimentalities and amicable1 philosophical or psychological observations1 beware of platitudinous ponderosity4 ,let your conversational communications possess a clarified conciseness1 a compact comprehensibleness1 coalescent consistency1 and a concatenated cogency4 ,eschew all conglomerations of flatulent garrulity1 jejune babblement and asinine affectations4 ,let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and veracious vivacity1 without rhodomontade or thrasonical bombast4 ,sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity1 pompous prolixity1 psittaceous vacuity1 ventriloquial verbosity1 and vaniloquent vapidity4 ,shun double-entendres1 prurient jocosity1 and pestiferous profanity1 obscurant or apparent4 ,in other words1 talk plainly1 briefly1 naturally1 sensibly1 truthfully1 purely4 ,keep from slang2 don't put on airs2 say what you mean2 mean what you say4 ,and don't use big words6 ,,der ,,mule ,,shtood ,,on ,,der ,,steamboad ,,deck ,,anonymous ,der mule shtood on der steamboad deck1 ,for der land he wouldn't dread1 ,dhey tied a halder rount his neck1 ,und vacked him over der headt4 ,but obstinate und braced he shtood1 ,as born der scene to rule1 ,a creature of der holt-back brood-- ,a shtubborn1 shtedfast mule4 ,dhey curst und shwore1 but he vould not go ,undill he felt inclined1 ,und dhough dhey dundered blow on blow1 ,he aldered nod his mind4 ,der boats-boy to der shore complained1 ,der varmint's bound do shtay1 ,shtill ubon dot olt mule's hide ,der sounding lash made blay4 ,his masder from der shore reblied1 ,der boats aboud do sail2 ,as oder means in vain you've dried4 ,subbose you dwist his dail4 ,i dhink dot dat will magke him land1 ,der boats-boy brave1 dhough bale1 ,den near drew mit oudstretched hand1 ,do magke der dwist avail4 ,dhen game a kick of thunder sound6 ,dot boy--oh1 vhere vas he8 ,ask of der vaves dot far around ,beheld him in der sea4 ,for a moment nod a voice vas heard1 ,bud dot mule he vinked his eye1 ,as dhough to ask1 to him occurred1 ,how vas dot for high8 ,,the ,,new ,,school ,,reader ,,anonymous ,i will now give you a selection from my ,new ,school ,reader4 ,it is built upon the lines of the school-books in use in the years preceding our early childhood4 ,it is one of the selections that unfortunate boys would render in an heroic attitude1 and in stilted1 unnatural tones3 ,the ,october sun was shining down upon an avenue of trees1 and gilding with its golden splendor the chromatic nose of a solitary horseman1 who reigned up his steed at the sight of a small boy with a school-book on his shoulder4 ',where do you live1 my fine fellow8' said the stranger1 in low1 pleasing tones4 ',in yonder cottage1 near the glen2 my widowed mother and her thirteen children dwell with me1' replied the boy1 in a rich1 mellow voice4 ',and is your father dead8' asked the stranger with a rising inflection4 ',extremely so1' murmured the lad1 'and that is why my mother is a widow4' ',and how does your mother gain a livelihood8' asked the horseman1 his voice dropping to a gentle whisper4 ',i support the family1' proudly replied ,george4 ',you support the family8 ,why1 what can such a little fellow as you do8' ',i dig wells during the day1 and help my mother at night4 ,i have a good education and am able to dig wells almost as well as a man4' ',but you must have to work very hard1' said the stranger1 wiping a tear from his eyebrow4 ',indeed ,i do1 sir1 and since my little sister ,ann got married1 and brought her husband home to live with us1 ,i have to work with more assiduity than ever4 ,i am enabled to barely maintain our family in a precarious manner2 but1 oh1 sir1 should my other sisters marry1 ,i fear that some of my brothers-in-law would have to suffer4' ',my boy1' asked the solitary horseman1 looking at the youth proudly1 'what would you say if ,i told you your father was not dead8' ',sir1' replied the boy respectfully1 ',i am too polite to tell you what ,i would say1--besides you are much larger than ,i am4' ',but1 my brave lad1' said the man in low1 musical tones1 'do you not recognize your parent on your father's side8--do you not know me1 ,georgie8 ,o ,george6' ',i must say1' replied ,george1 'that you have the advantage of me4 ,while ,i may have met you before1 ,i can not at this moment place you1 sir6' ,at this the stranger opened his valise and took therefrom a large-sized strawberry mark1 which he placed on his right arm4 ,immediately the boy recognized him as his long-lost parent1 and he1 drawing the lad to his bosom1 ejaculated1 ',o my son1 my son6' ',but how did you escape1 father8' said the boy through his tears1 in a voice broken by emotion4 ',we were far away at sea1' said the heartbroken man4 ',the winds howled and the waves threatened to engulf our frail bark4 ,when everybody was lost1 the rest of the crew turned and sprang into the foaming billows and swam several miles4 ,at last ,i felt my feet touch something hard1--it was ,jersey ,city6' ,,the ,,poor ,,was ,,mad ,a ,,fairy ,,shtory ,,for ,,little ,,childher ,,by ,,charles ,,battell ,,loomis ,wance upon a toime the poor was virry poor indade1 an' so they wint to a rich leddy that was that rich she had goold finger-nails1 an' was that beautiful that it'u'd mek you dopey to luke at her4 ,an' the poor asht her would she give thim the parin's of her goold finger-nails fer to sell4 ,an' she said she would that1 an' that ivery ,chuesdeh she did be afther a-parin' her nails4 ,so of a ,chuesdeh the poor kem an' they tuke the gold parin's to a jewel-ery man1 an' he gev thim good money fer thim4 ,wasn't she the koind leddy1 childher8 ,well1 wan day she forgot to pare her nails1 an' so they had nothin' to sell4 ,an' the poor was mad1 an' they wint an' kilt the leddy intoirely4 ,an' when she was kilt1 sorra bit would the nails grow upon her1 an' they saw they was silly to kill her4 ,so they wint out to sairch fer a leddy wid silver finger-nails4 ,an' they found her1 an' she was that beautiful that her face was all the colors of the rainbow an' two more besides4 ,an' the poor asht her would she give thim the parin's of her finger-nails fer to sell4 ,an' she said that she would that1 an' that every ,chuesdeh she did be afther a-parin' her nails4 ,so of a ,chuesdeh the poor kem an' they tuk the silver parin's to the jewel-ery man1 an' he giv thim pretty good money fer thim1 but not nair as good as fer the goold4 ,but he was the cute jewel-ery man1 wasn't he1 childher8 ,well1 wan day she forgot to pare her nails an' so they had nothin' to sell4 ,an' the poor was mad1 an' they wint an' kilt the leddy intoirely4 ,an' when she was kilt1 sorra bit would the nails grow upon her1 an' they saw they was silly to kill her4 ,so they wint out to sairch for a leddy with tin finger-nails4 ,an' they found her1 and she was that beautiful that she would mek you ristless4 ,an' the poor asht her would she give thim the parin's of her tin finger-nails fer to sell4 ,an' she said she would that1 an' that ivery ,chuesdeh she did be afther a-parin' her nails4 ,so of a ,chuesdeh the poor kem4 ,an' did they get the tin nails1 childher8 ,sure1 that's where y are out4 ,they did not1 fer the leddy had lost a finger in a mowin'-machine1 an' she didn't have tin finger-nails at arl1 at arl--only noine4 ,,lides ,,to ,,bary ,,jade ,,anonymous ,the bood is beabig brighdly love1 ,the sdars are shidig1 too2 ,while ,i ab gazing dreabily ,add thigkig1 love1 of you2 ,you caddot1 oh1 you caddot kdow1 ,by darlig1 how ,i biss you1-- 7,oh1 whadt a fearful cold ,i've got-- ,ck-tish-u6 ,ck-ck-tish-u67 ,i'b sittig id the arbor1 love ,where you sat by by side1 ,whed od that calb1 ,autubdal dight ,you said you'd be by bride4 ,oh1 for wud bobedt to caress ,add tederly to kiss you2 ,budt do6 we're beddy biles apart-- 7,ho-rash-o6 ,ck-ck-tish-u67 ,this charbig evedig brigs to bide ,the tibe whed first we bet2 ,it seebs budt odly yesterday1 ,i thigk ,i see you yet4 ,oh1 tell be1 ab ,i sdill your owd8 ,by hopes1 oh1 do dot dash theb6 7,codfoud by cold1 'tis gettig worse-- ,ck-tish-u6 ck-ck-thrash-eb67 ,good-by1 by darlig ,bary ,jade ,the bid-dight hour is dear1 ,add it is hardly wise by love ,for be to ligger here6 ,the heavy dews are fallig fast2 ,a fod good-dight ,i wish you2 7,ho-rash-o6--there it is agaid-- ,ck-tish-u6 ,ck-ck-thrash-eb67 ,,charlie ,,must ,,not ,,ring ,,to-,,night ,parody on ,curfew ,must not ,ring ,to-night ,,anonymous ,slowly ,england's sun was setting o'er a mansion old and grey2 ,filling all the land with glory1 in the usual kind of way4 ,and its bright rays tinged the foreheads of a man and maiden fair3 ,he with powdered head and whiskers1 she with locks of--someone's hair4 ,she was clutching at it wildly1 as1 with lips all cold and white1 ,she was saying1 ,listen1 ,thomas1--,charlie must not ring to-night6 ,thomas1 ,bessie's white lips murmur'd1 as she feverishly laid hold ,of the buttons of his liv'ry--lobster-red with spots of gold-- ,freddie ,smith will call this evening2 he'll be ringing by and by2 ,charlie does not know about him2 if they met here ,i should die6 ,tell him ,i am out1 dear ,thomas2 gone to call on ,mrs4 ,blight2 ,tell him any lie you like but--,charlie must not ring to-night4 ,bessie1 calmly said the flunkey-ev'ry word was like a dart ,barbed with poison1 entering in that damsel's heart-- ,for the last three weeks that pusson--w'ich 'is name are ,charlie ,power-- ,hev'ry hevenink's called to see you1 jest about the dinner-hour4 ',e' as never failed to tip me--w'ich is only just and right-- ,so ,i still must do my duty1 should that pusson ring to-night6 ,she with quick steps bounded upward1 till she reached the chamber- door1 ,seized her purse1 and quick returning1 threw it wildly on the floor4 ,take it1 ,thomas1 cried the maiden1 with her eyes and cheeks aglow1 ,take it all and welcome--what there is ,i do not know-- ,but 'tis yours1 ay1 ev'ry farthing2 gold and precious silver bright1 ,only1 take good care1 dear ,thomas1 ,charlie must not ring to-night6 ,she had fled to dress for ,freddie2 ,thomas seeks the front door-bell4 ,he will muffle up the clapper1 in a way he knows full well4 ,see6 ,the bell is being shaken2 'tis the fateful moment now6 ,thomas hastes to do his dooty1 with a firm1 determined brow4 ,shall he let it ring8 ,no1 never2 he has touched the guerdon bright1 ,so he grasps the clapper1 whisp'ring1 ,charlie shall not ring to-night6 ,it was o'er2 the youth ceased pulling1 and the maiden breathed once more4 ,but1 alas6 that fickle maiden wept as maid ne'er wept before ,when she learn'd that he who'd called there1 promptly at the dinner-hour1 ,was the long-expected ,freddie1 not the hated ,charlie ,power4 ,while the tried and trusted ,thomas1 knowing not her evil plight1 ,open'd wide the door for ,charlie when that pusson called that night6 ,a ,,short ,,encore ,man wants but little here below1 ,he's not so hard to please2 ,but woman 7bless her little heart7 ,wants everything she sees6 ,,my ,,double1 ,,and ,,how ,,he ,,undid ,,me ,,by ,,edward ,,everett ,,hale ,i am1 or rather1 was a minister1 and was settled in an active1 wide-awake town with a bright parish and a charming young wife4 ,at first it was all delightful1 but as my duties increased ,i found myself leading a double life--one for my parish1 whom ,i loved1 and the other for a vague public1 for whom ,i did not care two straws4 ,it was then that on my wife's suggestion ,i looked for a double--some one who would pass for me and fill the many engagements ,i wanted to shirk4 ,i found him4 ,when he was discovered his name was ,dennis ,shea1 and he was not shaved1 had no spectacles1 and his style of dress was not at all like mine2 but these difficulties were soon surmounted1 for1 by application to the ,judge of ,probate1 his name was soon changed to ,frederick ,ingham--my name4 ,as for appearance1 he was so much like me that by the united efforts of ,polly and myself and a tailor he was made to look the exact image of me4 ,then in four successive afternoons ,i taught him four speeches1 which were to be his stock in trade3 ,no4 #a--,very well1 thank you2 and you8 7,this for an answer to casual salutations47 ,no4 #b--;,i am very glad you liked it4 7,this in response to a compliment on a sermon47 ,no4 #c--,there has been so much said1 and on the whole so well said1 that ,i will not occupy the time4 7,this for public meetings when called to speak47 ,no4 #d--;,i agree in general with my friend on the other side of the room4 7,this when asked for an opinion of his own47 ,thus equipped1 my double attended a number of conventions and meetings which ,i was too busy to notice and was very successful4 ,he gained a good reputation for me1 and people began to say ,i was less exclusive than ,i used to be1 and that ,i was more punctual1 less talkative1 etc4 ,his success was so great that one evening ,i risked him at a reception4 ,i could ill afford the time to go1 and so ,i sent him with ,polly1 who kept her eye on him1 and afterward told me about it4 ,he had to take a very talkative lady--,mrs4 ,jeffries--down to supper1 and at sight of the eatables he became a little excited1 and attempted one of his speeches to the lady4 ,he tried the shortest one in his most gallant manner3 ,very well1 thank you2 and you8 ,polly1 who stood near his chair1 was much frightened1 as this speech had no connection with anything that had been said1 but ,mrs4 ,jeffries was so much engrossed with her own talking that she noticed nothing4 ,she rattled on so busily that ,dennis was not obliged to say anything more until the eating was over1 when he said1 to fill up a pause3 ,there has been so much said1 and on the whole so well said1 that ,i will not occupy the time4 ,this again frightened ,polly1 but she managed to get him away before he had done anything serious4 ,after this my double relieved me in so many ways that ,i grew quite light-hearted4 ,that happy year ,i began to know my wife by sight4 ,we saw each other sometimes1 and how delightful it was6 ,but all this could not last2 and at length poor ,dennis1 my double1 undid me6 ,there was some ridiculous new movement on foot to organize some kind of a society1 and there was to be a public meeting4 ,of course ,i was asked to attend and to speak4 ,after much urging ,i consented to go and sit on the platform1 upon condition that ,i would not be called upon to make a speech4 ,this was agreed upon1 and ,i went--that is1 ,dennis went1 having been told to say nothing on any subject4 ,he sat resplendent on the platform1 and kept his peace during the preliminary exercises1 which were rather dry4 ,governor ,blake called the meeting to order1 but as he really did not know what the object of the gathering was1 he said that there were other gentlemen present who could entertain them better than he4 ,then there followed an awkward scene1 for nobody wanted to speak1 and every one that was called upon was either absent or unprepared2 and finally a wretched boy in the gallery called out1 ,ingham6 ,ingham6 ,the governor thought ,i would respond1 and as nothing had been said so far1 he ventured to ask me1 saying3 ,our friend1 ,mr4 ,ingham1 is always prepared1 and tho we had not relied upon him1 he will say a word perhaps4 ,applause followed1 which turned ,dennis' head4 ,he rose and tried speech ,no4 #c3 ,there has been so much said1 and on the whole so well said1 that ,i will not longer occupy the time6 ,then he sat down1 looking for his hat--for things seemed squally4 ,but the people cried1 ,go on6 ,go on6 and some applauded4 ,dennis still confused1 but flattered by the applause1 rose again1 and this time tried ,no4 #b3 ,i am very glad you like it4 ,which1 alas6 should only be said when complimented on a sermon4 ,my best friends stared1 and people who didn't know me yelled with delight4 ,a boy in the gallery cried out3 ,it's all a humbug6 just as ,dennis1 waving his hand1 commanded silence1 and tried ,no4 #d3 ,i agree in general with my friend on the other side of the room4 ,the poor governor1 doubting his senses1 crossed to stop him1 but too late4 ,the same gallery boy shouted3 ,how's your mother8 ,and ,dennis1 completely lost1 tried as his last shot ,no4 #a3 ,very well1 thank you2 and you8 ,the audience rose in a whirl of excitement4 ,some other impertinence from the gallery was aimed at ,dennis2 he broke all restraint and to finish undoing me1 he called out3 ,any wan o' ye blatherin' rascals that wants to fight1 can come down an' ,i'll take any five o' yez1 single-handed2 ye're all dogs and cowards6 ,sure an' ,i've said all his riverance an' the mistress bade me say6 ,that was all2 my double had undone me4 ,reprinted by permission of ,little1 ,brown ,co41 ,boston1 ,mass4 ,,romance ,,of ,a ,,hammock ,,anonymous ,shady tree--babbling brook1 ,girl in hammock--reading book4 ,golden curls--tiny feet1 ,girl in hammock--looks so sweet4 ,man rides past--big mustache1 ,girl in hammock--makes a mash4 ,mash is mutual--day is set1 ,man and maiden--married get4 ,married now a year and a day1 ,keeping house in ,avenue ,a4 ,red-hot stove--beefsteak frying1 ,girl got married--cooking trying4 ,cheeks all burning--eyes look red1 ,girl got married--almost dead4 ,biscuit burnt up--beefsteak charry1 ,girl got married--awful sorry4 ,man comes home--tears mustache1 ,mad as blazes--got no cash4 ,thinks of hammock--in the lane2 ,wishes maiden--back again4 ,maiden also--thinks of swing1 ,and wants to go back1 too1 poor thing6 ,hour of midnight--baby squawking2 ,man in bare feet--bravely walking2 ,the baby yells--now the other ,twin1 he strikes up--like his brother4 ,paregoric--by the bottle ,poured into--the baby's throttle4 ,naughty tack--points in air1 ,waiting some one's--foot to tear4 ,man in bare feet--see him there6 ,o my gracious6--hear him swear6 ,raving crazy--gets his gun ,blows his head off--dead and gone4 ,pretty widow--with a book ,in the hammock--by the brook4 ,man rides past--big mustache2 ,keeps on riding--nary mash4 ,,finnigin ,,to ,,flannigan ,,by ,s4 ,w4 ,,gillinan ,superintindent wuz ,flannigan2 ,boss av the siction wuz ,finnigin2 ,whiniver the kyars got offen the thrack1 ,an' muddled up things t' th' divil an' back1 ,finnigin writ it to ,flannigan1 ,afther the wrick wuz all on ag'in2 ,that is1 this ,finnigin ,repoorted to ,flannigan4 ,whin ,finnigin furst writ to ,flannigan1 ,he writed tin pages--did ,finnigin1 ,an' he tould jist how the smash occurred2 ,full minny a tajus1 blunderin' wurrd ,did ,finnigin write to ,flannigan ,afther the cars had gone on ag'in4 ,that wuz how ,finnigin ,repoorted to ,flannigan4 ,now ,flannigan knowed more than ,finnigin-- ,he'd more idjucation1 had ,flannigan2 ,an' it wore'm clane an' complately out ,to tell what ,finnigin writ about ,in his writin' to ,muster ,flannigan4 ,so he writed back to ,finnigin3 ,don't do sich a sin ag'in2 ,make 'em brief1 ,finnigin6 ,whin ,finnigin got this from ,flannigan1 ,he blushed rosy rid1 did ,finnigin2 ,an' he said3 ,i'll gamble1 a whole month's pa-ay ,that it will be minny an' minny a da-ay ,befoore ,sup'rintindint--that's ,flannigan-- ,gits a whack at this very same sin ag'in4 ,from ,finnigin to ,flannigan ,repoorts won't be long ag'in4 99 99 99 99 99 ,wan da-ay1 on the siction av ,finnigin1 ,on the road sup'rintinded by ,flannigan1 ,a rail gave way on a bit av a curve1 ,an' some kyars went off as they made the swerve4 ,there's nobody hurted1 sez ,finnigin1 ,but repoorts must be made to ,flannigan4 ,an' he winked at ,mc,corrigan1 ,as married a ,finnigin4 ,he wuz shantyin' thin1 wuz ,finnigin1 ,as minny a railroader's been ag'in1 ,an' the shmoky ol' lamp wuz burnin' bright ,in ,finnigin's shanty all that night-- ,bilin' down his repoort1 was ,finnigin6 ,an' he writed this here3 ,muster ,flannigan3 ,off ag'in1 on ag'in1 ,gone ag'in--,finnigin4 ,from ,life1 by courtesy of the publishers4 ,,an ,,introduction ,,by ,,mark ,,twain ,ladies--and--gentlemen3--,by--the request of the--,chairman of the--,com-mit-tee--,i beg leave to--introduce--to you--the reader of the evening--a gentleman whose great learning--whose historical ac-curacy--whose devotion--to science--and--and--whose veneration for the truth--are only equaled by his high moral character--and--his--majestic presence4 ,i allude--in these vague general terms--to my-self4 ,i--am a little opposed to the custom of ceremoniously introducing a reader to the audience1 because it seems--unnecessary--where the man has been properly advertised6 ,but as--it is--the custom--,i prefer to make it myself--in my own case--and then ,i can rely on getting in--all the facts6 ,i never had but one introduction--that seemed to me just the thing--and the gentleman was not acquainted with me1 and there was no nonsense4 ,ladies and gentlemen1 ,i shall waste no time in this introduction4 ,i know of only two facts about this man3 first1 he--has never been in the state prison2 and second1 ,i can't--imagine why4 ,,the ,,harp ,,of ,a ,,thousand ,,strings ,a ,hard-shell ,baptist ,sermon ,,by ,,joshua ,s4 ,,morris 7,this characteristic effusion first appeared in a ,new ,orleans paper4 ,the sermon is supposed to have been preached at a village on the bank of the ,mississippi ,river1 whither the volunteer parson had brought his flatboat for the purpose of trade47 ,i may say to you1 my brethring1 that ,i am not an edicated man1 an' ,i am not one of them as beleeves that edication is necessary for a ,gospel minister1 for ,i beleeve the ,lord edicates his preachers jest as ,he wants 'em to be edicated2 an' altho ,i say it that oughtn't to say it1 yet in the ,state of ,indianny1 whar ,i live1 thar's no man as gits bigger congregations nor what ,i gits4 ,thar may be some here to-day1 my brethring1 as don't know what persuasion ,i am uv4 ,well1 ,i must say to yu1 my brethring1 that ,i'm a ,hard-shell ,baptist4 ,thar's some folks as don't like the ,hard-shell ,baptists1 but ,i'd rather have a hard shell as no shell at all4 ,you see me here to-day1 my brethring1 drest up in fine clothes2 you mout think ,i was proud1 but ,i am not proud1 my brethring2 and altho ,i've been a preacher of the ,gospel for twenty years1 an' altho ,i'm capting of the flatboat that lies at your landing1 ,i'm not proud1 my brethring4 ,i am not gwine to tell edzactly whar my tex may be found2 suffice to say1 it's in the leds of the ,bible1 and you'll find it somewhar between the fust chapter of the book of ,generations and the last chapter of the book of ,revolutions2 and ef you'll go and sarch the ,scriptures1 you'll not only find my tex thar1 but a great many other texes as will do you good to read2 and my tex1 when you shall find it1 you shall find it to read thus3 ,and he played on a harp uv a thousand strings1 sperits uv jest men made perfeck4 ,my tex1 my brethring1 leads me to speak of sperits4 ,now1 thar's a great many kinds of sperits in the world4 ,in the fust place1 thar's the sperits as some folks call ghosts2 and thar's the sperits of turpentine2 and thar's the sperits as some folks call liquor1 an' ,i've got as good an artikel of them kind of sperits on my flatboat as ever was fotch down the ,mississippi ,river4 ,but thar's a great many other kinds of sperits1 for the tex says1 ,he played on a harp uv a t-h-o-u-s-and strings1 sperits uv jest men made perfeck4 ,but ,i tell you the kind uv sperits as is meant in the tex is ,,fire4 ,that's the kind uv sperits as is meant in the tex1 my brethring4 ,now1 thar's a great many kinds uv fire in the world4 ,in the fust place1 there's the common sort of fire you light your cigars or pipe with2 and then thar's foxfire and camphire1 fire before you're ready1 and fire and fall back1 and many other kinds of fire--for the tex say1 ,he played on a harp uv a thousand strings1 sperits uv jest men made perfeck4 ,but ,i'll tell you the kind of fire as is meant in the tex1 my brethring3 its ,,hell-,,fire6 ,an' that's the kind uv fire as a great many uv you'll come to1 ef you don't do better nor what you have been doin'--for ,he played on a harp uv a thousand strings1 sperits uv jest men made perfeck4 ,now1 the different sorts of fire in the world may be likened onto the different persuasions of ,christians in the world4 ,in the fust place1 we have the ,piscapalions1 an' they are a high-sailin' and highfalutin' set2 and they may be likened unto a turkey buzzard that flies up in the air1 and he goes up1 and up1 and up1 till he looks no bigger than your finger-nail1 and the fust thing you know1 he cums down1 and down1 and down1 and is a-fillin' himself on the carkiss of a dead hoss by the side of the road--and ,he played on a harp uv a thousand strings1 sperits uv jest men made perfeck4 ,and then thar's the ,methodis1 and they may be likened unto the squirril runnin' up into a tree1 for the ,methodis beleeves in gwine on from one degree of grace to another1 and finally on to perfection2 and the squirril goes up and up1 and up and up1 and he jumps from limb to limb1 and branch to branch1 and the fust thing you know he falls1 and down he cums kerflumix2 and that's like the ,methodis1 for they is allers fallin' from grace1 ah6--and ,he played on a harp uv a thousand strings1 sperits uv jest men made perfeck4 ,and then1 my brethring1 thar's the ,baptists1 ah6 and they have been likened unto a 'possum on a 'simmon tree1 and thunders may roll and the earth may quake1 but that 'possum clings thar still1 sh6 and you may shake one foot loose1 and the other's thar1 and you make shake all feet loose1 and he laps his tail around the limb1 and clings1 and he clings furever--for ,he played on a harp uv a thousand strings1 sperits uv jest men made perfeck4 ,reprinted from the ,four-masted ,catboat1 by permission of the author and ,the ,century ,company4 ,copyright1 #ahii4 ,,the ,,difficulty ,,of ,,riming ,,anonymous ,we parted by the gate in ,june1 ,that soft and balmy month1 ,beneath the sweetly beaming moon1 ,and 7wonth-hunth-sunth-bunth--,i can't find a rime to month74 ,years were to pass ere we should meet4 ,a wide and yawning gulf ,divides me from my love so sweet1 ,while 7ulf-sulf-dulf-mulf--stuck again2 ,i can't get any rime to gulf4 ,i'm in a gulf myself74 ,oh1 how ,i dreaded in my soul ,to part from my sweet nymph1 ,while years should their long seasons roll ,before 7hymph-dymph-symph--,i guess ,i'll have to let it go at that74 ,beneath my fortune's stern decree ,my lonely spirits sunk1 ,for ,i a weary soul should be1 ,and a 7hunk-dunk-runk-sk--that will never do in the world74 ,she buried her dear lovely face ,within her azure scarf1 ,she knew ,i'd take the wretchedness1 ,as well as 7parf-darf-harf-and-harf-- that won't answer either74 ,oh1 ,i had loved her many years4 ,i loved her for herself2 ,i loved her for her tender tears1 ,and also for her 7welf-nelf-self-pelf--no1 no2 not for her pelf74 ,i took between my hands her head1 ,how sweet her lips did pouch6 ,i kissed her lovingly and said-- 7,bouch-mouch-louch-ouch--not a bit of it did ,i say ouch674 ,i sorrowfully wrung her hand1 ,my tears they did escape1 ,my sorrow ,i could not command1 ,and ,i was but a 7sape-dape-fape-ape2 well1 perhaps ,i did feel like an ape74 ,i gave to her a fond adieu1 ,sweet pupil of love's school1 ,i told her ,i would e'er be true1 ,and always be a 7dool-sool-mool-fool2 since ,i come to think of it1 ,i was a fool1 for she fell in love with another fellow before ,i was gone a month74 ,,so ,,was ,i ,,by ,,joseph ,,bert ,,smiley ,my name is ,tommy an' ,i hates ,that feller of my sister ,kate's4 ,he's bigger'n ,i am an' you see ,he's sorter lookin' down on me1 ,an' ,i resents it with a vim2 ,i think ,i'm just as good as him4 ,he's older1 an' he's mighty fly ,but he's a kid1--an' so am ,i4 ,one time he came1--down by the gate1 ,i guess it must been awful late1-- ,an' ,katie1 she was there1 an' they ,was feelin' very nice and gay1 ,an' he was talkin' all the while1 ,about her sweet an' lovin' smile1 ,an' everythin' was nice as pie1 ,an' they was there1--an' so was ,i4 ,they didn't see me1 'cause ,i slid ,down underneath a bush1 an' hid1 ,an' he was sayin' that his love ,was greater'n all the stars above ,up in the glorious heavens placed2 ,an' then his arm got round her waist1 ,an' clouds were floatin' in the sky1 ,an' they was there1--an' so was ,i4 ,i didn't hear just all they said1 ,but by an' by my sister's head ,was droopin' on his shoulder1 an' ,i seen him holdin' ,katie's hand1 ,an' then he hugged her closer1 some1 ,an' then ,i heered a kiss--yum1 yum6 ,an' ,katie blushed an' drew a sigh1 ,an' sorter coughed1--an' so did ,i4 ,an' then that feller looked around ,an' seed me there1 down on the ground1 ,an'--was he mad8--well1 betcher boots ,i gets right outer there an' scoots4 ,an' he just left my sister ,kate ,a-standin' right there by the gate2 ,an' ,i seen blood was in his eye1 ,an' he runned fast1--an' so did ,i4 ,i runned the very best ,i could ,but he cotched up1--,i's 'fraid he would1 ,an' then he said he'd teach me how ,to know my manners1 he'd allow2 ,an' than he shaked me awful4 ,gee6 ,he jest--he frashed the ground with me4 ,an' then he stopt it by and by1 ',cause he was tired1--an' so was ,i4 ,an' then he went back to the gate ,an' couldn't find my sister ,kate1 ',cause she went to bed1 while he ,was runnin' round an' thumpin' me4 ,i got round in a shadder dim1 ,an' made a face1 an' guffed at him2 ,an' then the moon larfed1 in the sky1 ',cause he was there1--an' so was ,i4 ,,the ,,enchanted ,,shirt ,,by ,,john ,,hay ,the king was sick4 ,his cheek was red1 ,and his eye was clear and bright2 ,he ate and drank with a kingly zest1 ,and peacefully snored at night4 ,but he said he was sick--and a king should know2 ,and doctors came by the score2 ,they did not cure him4 ,he cut off their heads1 ,and sent to the schools for more4 ,at last two famous doctors came1 ,and one was as poor as a rat2 ,he had passed his life in studious toil ,and never found time to grow fat4 ,the other had never looked in a book2 ,his patients gave him no trouble2 ,if they recovered1 they paid him well1 ,if they died1 their heirs paid double4 ,together they looked at the royal tongue1 ,as the king on his couch reclined2 ,in succession they thumped his august chest1 ,but no trace of disease could find4 ,the old sage said1 ,you're as sound as a nut4 ,hang him up6 roared the king1 in a gale1-- ,in a ten-knot gale of royal rage2 ,the other leach grew a shade pale2 ,but he pensively rubbed his sagacious nose1 ,and thus his prescription ran3 ,the king will be well if he sleeps one night ,in the shirt of a happy man4 ,wide o'er the realm the couriers rode1 ,and fast their horses ran1 ,and many they saw1 and to many they spake1 ,but they found no happy man4 ,they saw two men by the roadside sit1 ,and both bemoaned their lot2 ,for one had buried his wife1 he said4 ,and the other one had not4 ,at last they came to a village gate2 ,a beggar lay whistling there2 ,he whistled and sang and laughed1 and rolled ,on the grass in the soft ,june air4 ,the weary couriers paused and looked ,at the scamp so blithe and gay1 ,and one of them said1 ,heaven save you1 friend1 ,you seem to be happy to-day8 ,oh1 yes1 fair sirs1 the rascal laughed1 ,and his voice rang free and glad2 ,an idle man has so much to do ,that he never has time to be sad4 ,this is our man4 the courier said1 ,our luck has led us aright4 ,i will give you a hundred ducats1 friend1 ,for the loan of your shirt to-night4 ,the merry rascal lay back on the grass ,and laughed till his face was black2 ,i would do it1 said he1 and roared with the fun1 ,but ,i haven't a shirt to my back6 ,each day to the king the reports came in ,of the unsuccessful spies2 ,and the sad panorama of human woes1 ,passed daily under his eyes4 ,and he grew ashamed of his useless life1 ,and his maladies hatched in gloom2 ,he opened his windows and let the free air ,of the heavens into his room4 ,and out he went into the world and toiled ,in his own appointed way1 ,and the people blest him1 the land was glad1 ,and the king was well and gay4 ,,der ,,oak ,,und ,,der ,,vine ,,by ,,charles ,,follen ,,adams ,i don'd vas preaching voman's righdts1 ,or anyding like dot1 ,und ,i likes to see all beoples ,shust gontended mit dheir lot2 ,but ,i vants to gontradict dot shap ,dot made dis leedle shoke3 ,a voman vas der glinging vine1 ,und man1 der shturdy oak4 ,berhaps1 somedimes1 dot may be drue2 ,budt1 den dimes oudt off nine1 ,i find me oudt dot man himself ,vas peen der glinging vine2 ,und ven hees friendts dhey all vas gone ,und he vas shust tead proke1 ,dot's vhen der voman shteps righdt in1 ,und peen der shturdy oak4 ,shust go oup to der paseball groundts ,und see dhose shturdy oaks ,all planted roundt ubon der seats-- ,shust hear dheir laughs und shokes6 ,dhen see dhose vomens at der tubs1 ,mit glothes oudt on der lines3 ,vhich vas der shturdy oaks1 mine frendts1 ,und vhich der glinging vines8 ,ven sickness in der householdt comes1 ,und veeks und veeks he shtays1 ,who vas id fighdts him mitout resdt1 ,dhose veary nighdts und days8 ,who beace und gomfort alvays prings1 ,und cools dot fefered prow8 ,more like id vas der tender vine ,dot oak he glings to1 now4 ,man vants budt leedle here pelow1 ,der boet von time said2 ,dhere's leedle dot man he don'd vant1 ,i dink id means1 inshted2 ,und vhen der years keep rolling on1 ,dheir cares und droubles pringing1 ,he vants to pe der shturdy oak1 ,und1 also1 do der glinging4 ,maype1 vhen oaks dhey gling some more1 ,und don'd so shturdy peen1 ,der glinging vines dhey haf some shance ,to helb run life's masheen4 ,in belt und sickness1 shoy und pain1 ,in calm or shtormy veddher1 ',tvas beddher dot dhose oaks und vines ,should alvays gling togedder4 ,from ,dialect ,ballads1 copyright1 #ahig1 by ,harper ,brothers4 ,,the ,,ship ,,of ,,faith ,,anonymous ,a certain colored brother had been holding forth to his little flock upon the ever-fruitful topic of ,faith1 and he closed his exhortation about as follows3 ,my bruddren1 ef yous gwine to git saved1 you got to git on board de ,ship ob ,faith4 ,i tell you1 my bruddren1 dere ain't no odder way4 ,dere ain't no gitten up de back stairs1 nor goin' 'cross lots2 you can't do dat away1 my bruddren1 you got to git on board de ,ship ob ,faith4 ,once 'pon a time dere was a lot ob colored people1 an' dey was all gwine to de promised land4 ,well1 dey knowed dere w'an't no odder way for 'em to do but to git on board de ,ship ob ,faith4 ,so dey all went down an' got on board1 de ole granfaders1 an' de ole granmudders1 an' de pickaninnies1 an' all de res' of 'em4 ,dey all got on board 'ceptin' one mons'us big feller1 he said he's gwine to swim1 he was4 ',w'y6' dey said1 'you can't swim so fur like dat4 ,it am a powerful long way to de promised land6' ,he said3 ',i kin swim anywhur1 ,i kin4 ,i git board no boat1 no1 'deed6' ,well1 my bruddren1 all dey could say to dat poor disluded man dey couldn't git him on board de ,ship of ,faith1 so dey started off4 ,de day was fair1 de win' right2 de sun shinin' and ev'ryt'ing b'utiful1 an' dis big feller he pull off his close and plunge in de water4 ,well1 he war a powerful swimmer1 dat man1 'deed he war2 he war dat powerful he kep' right 'long side de boat all de time2 he kep' a hollerin' out to de people on de boat1 sayin'3 ',what you doin' dere1 you folks1 brilin' away in de sun2 you better come down heah in de water1 nice an' cool down here4' ,but dey said3 ',man alive1 you better come up here in dis boat while you got a chance4' ,but he said3 ',no1 indeedy6 ,i git aboard no boat2 ,i'm havin' plenty fun in de water4' ,well1 bimeby1 my bruddren1 what you tink dat pore man seen8 ,a horrible1 awful shark1 my bruddren2 mouf wide opne1 teef more'n a foot long1 ready to chaw dat pore man all up de minute he catch him4 ,well1 when he seen dat shark he begun to git awful scared1 an' he holler out to de folks on board de ship3 ',take me on board1 take me on board1 quick6' ,but dey said3 ',no1 indeed2 you wouldn't come up here before1 you swim now6' ,he look over his shoulder an' he seen dat shark a-comin' an' he let hisself out4 ,fust it was de man an' den it was de shark1 an' den it was de man again1 dat away1 my bruddren1 plum to de promised land4 ,dat am de blessed troof ,i'm a-tellin' you dis minute4 ,but what do you t'ink was a-waitin' for him on de odder shore when he got dere8 ,a horrible1 awful lion1 my bruddren1 was a-stan'in' dere on de shore1 a-lashin' his sides wid his tail1 an' a-roarin' away fit to devour dat poor nigger de minit he git on de shore4 ,well1 he war powerful scared den1 he don't know what he gwine to do4 ,if he stay in de water de shark eat him up2 if he go on shore de lion eat him up2 he dunno what to do4 ,but he put his trust in de ,lord1 an' went for de shore4 ,dat lion he give a fearful roar an' bound for him2 but1 my bruddren1 as sure as you live an' breeve1 dat horrible1 awful lion he jump clean ober dat pore feller's head into de water2 an' de shark eat de lion4 ,but1 my bruddren1 don't you put your trust in no such circumstance2 dat pore man he done git saved1 but ,i tell you de ,lord ain't a-gwine to furnish a lion fo' every nigger6 ,,he ,,wanted ,,to ,,know ,,anonymous ,early one moonlight morning1 in the city of ,london1 a man was vainly trying to find his home1 but being unable to locate it he called upon the services of a passer-by4 ,hey6 ,m-m-mister 7hic71 will you take me to twenty-two8 ,number twenty--,why you are standing right in front of it6 ,oh1 no you d-d-don't1--that's two-two1 two-two6 ,why1 no1 it's twenty-two4 ,say1 you can't fool me4 ',nuther fellow tried to d-d-do that4 ,he-he-he told me the other side of the street was 7hic7 on this side1--an' 'tisn't1--s-sit's over there4 ,please t-t-take me 7hic7 to twenty-two1 will you8 ,the man walked him around the block and back again4 ,now1 then1 get out your key4 ,i must be going4 ,say1 it was m-m-mighty 7hic7 jolly of you to bring me all this l-l-long way ho-ho-home1 old chap6 ,that's all right4 ,now get your key1--hurry up4 ,i'm ever so much obliged to you for bringing me all this long way ho-ho-home4 ,that's all right4 ,i must go now4 ,good-night4 ,the man had walked but a little distance when he heard his friend trying to whistle to him4 ,hey6 7,tries to whistle74 ,c-co-come here1 ,i want ter speak to you4 ,now d-d-don't get mad 7hic71 old chap1 it's important4 ,well1 what do you want8 ,i just want to 7hic7 tell you how much obliged ,i'm to you for bringing me all this long way home4 ,you had better go to bed now1 so good-night4 ,hold up1 old chap1 you're a-a-a--would you mind telling me what your name is8 ,here the clock in ,st4 ,paul's struck two4 ,my name--is ,st4 ,paul4 ,good enough1 ,miss ,saint ',all4 ,much obliged to you for bring--me---- ,never mind1 good-night4 ,hey6 ,hi6 7,tries to whistle74 ,mister ,saint ',all--,miss ,saint ,p-all1 co-co-come here1 ,i want to ask 7hic7 you something4 ,what6 ,old f-f-friend1 ,i d-d-d-d-didn't mean that1 ,misser ,saint ,faull1--,i just want to ask you a persh-pershonal question1 ,mis-,mis---- ,well1 what is it8 ,misser ,saint ,paul1 would you mind telling me whether you ever got answers to those letters you wrote to the ,ephesians8 ,,an ,,opportunity ,,anonymous ,i dropt into the post-office this morning for my mail1 and just inside the door ,i found a little boy crying very bitterly4 ,naturally ,i asked him the cause of his trouble1 and lifting his tear-stained face to mine he said3 ,i had two quarters1 and a feller come along just now and took one away from me4 ,what6 said ,i1 right here in the post-office8 ,yes1 sir4 ,well1 why didn't you tell some one8 ,i did2 ,i hollered1 ',help6 help6' 7,said very weakly47 ,well1 ,i said1 is that as loud as you can holler8 ,yes1 sir4 ,so ,i took the other quarter4 ,,gape-,,seed ,,anonymous ,a farmer1 walking the streets of one of our big cities1 looked through a window at a lot of men writing very rapidly on typewriters2 and as he stood at the door with his mouth open1 one of the men called out to him1 ,do you wish to buy some gape-seed8 ,passing on a short distance1 he asked a man what the business was of the men he had just seen in the office he had passed4 ,he was told that they wrote letters dictated by others1 and transcribed all sorts of documents4 ,the farmer returned to the office1 and inquired if one of the men would write a letter for him1 and was answered in the affirmative4 ,he asked the price1 and was told one dollar4 ,after considerable talk1 the bargain was made2 one of the conditions being that the scribe should write just what the farmer told him to1 or he should receive no pay4 ,the man said he was ready1 and the farmer dictated as follows3 ,dear wife1 and then asked1 ,have you got that down8 ,yes2 go on4 ,i went for a ride the other day--have you got that down8 ,yes2 go on1 go on4 ,and ,i harnessed up the old mare into the wagon--have you got that down8 ,yes1 yes1 long ago2 go on4 ,why1 how fast you write6--,and ,i got into the wagon1 and sat down1 and drew up the reins1 and took the whip in my right hand--have you got that down8 ,yes1 long ago2 go on4 ,dear me1 how fast you write6 ,i never saw your equal4--,and ,i said to the old mare1 ',go 'long1' and ,i jerked the reins pretty hard--have you got that down8 ,yes2 and ,i am impatiently waiting for more4 ,i wish you wouldn't bother me with so many foolish questions4 ,go on with your letter4 ,well1 the old mare wouldn't stir out of her tracks1 and ,i hollered1 ',go 'long1 you old jade6 go 'long'--have you got that down8 ,yes1 indeed1 you pestiferous fellow2 go on4 ,and ,i licked her1 and licked her1 and licked her---- 7continuing to repeat these words as rapidly as possible74 ,hold on there6 ,i have written two pages of 'licked her1' and ,i want the rest of the letter4 ,well1 and she kicked1 and she kicked1 and she kicked---- 7continuing to repeat these words with great rapidity74 ,do go on with your letter2 ,i have several pages of 'she kicked4' 7,the farmer clucks as in urging horses to move1 and continues the clucking noise with rapid repetition for some time47 ,the scribe jumps up from the typewriter4 ,write it down6 write it down6 ,i can't6 ,well1 then1 ,i won't pay you4 7,the scribe1 gathering up his papers47 ,what shall ,i do with all these sheets upon which ,i have written your nonsense8 ,you might use them in doing up your gape-seed6 ,good-day6 ,,lariat ,,bill ,,anonymous ,well1 stranger1 'twas somewhere in 'sixty-nine ,i wore runnin' the ',frisco fast express2 ,an' from ,murder ,creek to ,blasted ,pine1 ,were nigh onto eighteen mile1 ,i guess4 ,the road were a down-grade all the way1 ,an' we pulled out of ,murder a little late1 ,so ,i opened the throttle wide that day1 ,and a mile a minute was 'bout our gait4 ,my fireman's name was ,lariat ,bill1 ,a quiet man with an easy way1 ,who could rope a steer with a cowboy's skill1 ,which he had learned in ,texas1 ,i've heard him say3 ,the coil were strong as tempered steel1 ,an' it went like a bolt from a crossbow flung4 ,an' arter ,bill changed from saddle to wheel1 ,just over his head in the cab it hung4 ,well1 as ,i were saying1 we fairly flew ,as we struck the curve at ,buffalo ,spring1 ,an' ,i give her full steam an' put her through1 ,an' the engine rocked like a living thing2 ,when all of a sudden ,i got a scare-- ,for thar on the track were a little child6 ,an' right in the path of the engine there ,she held out her little hands and smiled6 ,i jerked the lever and whistled for brakes1 ,the wheels threw sparks like a shower of gold2 ,but ,i knew the trouble a down-grade makes1 ,an' ,i set my teeth an' my flesh grew cold4 ,then ,lariat ,bill yanked his long lasso1 ,an' out on the front of the engine crept-- ,he balanced a moment before he threw1 ,then out in the air his lariat swept6 ,he paused4 ,there were tears in his honest eyes2 ,the stranger listened with bated breath4 ,i know the rest of the tale1 he cries2 ,he snatched the child from the jaws of death6 ',twas the deed of a hero1 from heroes bred1 ,whose praises the very angels sing6 ,the engineer shook his grizzled head1 ,and growled3 ,he didn't do no sich thing4 ,he aimed at the stump of a big pine tree1 ,an' the lariat caught with a double hitch1 ,an' in less than a second the train an' we ,were yanked off the track an' inter the ditch6 ',twere an awful smash1 an' it laid me out1 ,i ain't forgot it1 and never shall2 ,were the passengers hurt8 ,lemme see--about-- ,yes1 it killed about forty--but saved the gal6 ,,the ,,candidate ,,by ,,bill ,,nye ,the heat and the venom of each political campaign bring back to my mind with wonderful clearness the bitter and acrimonious war1 and the savage factional fight1 which characterized my own legislative candidacy in what was called the ,prairie ,dog ,district of ,wyoming1 about ten years ago4 ,i hesitated about accepting the nomination because ,i knew that vituperation would get up on its hind feet and annoy me greatly1 and1 indeed1 this turned out to be the case4 ,in due time ,i was nominated1 and one evening my heart swelled when ,i heard a campaign band coming up the street1 trying to see how little it could play and still draw its salary4 ,the band was followed by men with torches1 and speakers in carriages4 ,a messenger was sent into the house to tell me that ,i was about to be waited upon by my old friends and neighbors1 who desired to deliver to me their hearty endorsement1 and a large willow-covered two-gallon ,godspeed as a mark of esteem4 ,the spokesman1 as soon as ,i had stept out on my veranda1 mounted the improvised platform previously erected1 and after a short and debilitated solo and chorus by the band1 said as follows1 as near as ,i can now recall his words3 ,mr4 ,nye-- ,sir3--,we have read with pain the open and venomous attacks of the foul and putrid press of our town1 and come here to-night to vindicate by our presence your utter innocence as a man1 as a fellow citizen1 as a neighbor1 as a father1 mother1 brother or sister4 ,no one could look down into your open face1 and deep1 earnest lungs1 and then doubt you as a man1 as a fellow citizen1 as a neighbor1 as a father1 mother1 brother1 or sister4 ,you came to us a poor man1 and staked your all on the growth of this town4 ,we like you because you are still poor4 ,you can not be too poor to suit us4 ,it shows that you are not corrupt4 ,mr4 ,nye1 on behalf of this vast assemblage 7tremulo71 ,i am glad that you are ,,poor666 ,mr4 ,limberquid then said3 ,sir3--,what do we care for the vilifications of the press--a press hired1 venial1 corrupt1 reeking in filth and oozy with the slime of its own impaired circulation1 snapping at the heels of its superiors1 and steeped in the reeking poison and pollution of its own shop-worn and unmarketable opinions8 ,what do we care that homely men grudge our candidate his symmetry of form and graceful1 upholstered carriage8 ,what do we care that calumny crawls out of its hole1 calumniates him a couple of times and then goes back8 ,we like him for the poverty he has made4 ,our idea in running him for the ,legislature is to give him a chance to accumulate poverty1 and have some saved up for a rainy day4 ,several people wept here1 and wiped their eyes on their alabaster hands4 ,the band then played1 ,see the ,conquering ,hero ,comes1 and yielding to the pressing demands of the populi1 ,i made a few irrelevant1 but low1 passionate remarks1 as follows3 ,fellow ,citizens and ,members of the ,band3--,we are not here1 as ,i understand it1 solely to tickle our palates with the twisted doughnuts of our pampered and sin-curst civilization1 but to unite and give our pledges once more to the support of the best men4 ,in this teacup of foaming and impervious cider from the ,valley of the ,jordan ,i drink to the success of the best men4 ,fellow citizens and members of the band1 we owe our fealty to the old party4 ,let us cling to the old party as long as there is any juice in it and vote for its candidates4 ,let us give our suffrages to men of advanced thought who are loyal to their party but poor4 ,gentlemen1 ,i am what would be called a poor but brainy man4 ,when ,i am not otherwise engaged you will always find me engaged in thought4 ,i love the excitement of following an idea and chasing it up a tree4 ,it is a great pleasure for me to pursue the red-hot trail of a thought or the intellectual spoor of an idea4 ,but ,i do not allow this habit to interfere with politics4 ,politics and thought are radically different4 ,why should man think himself weak on these political matters when there are men who have made it their business and life study to do the thinking for the masses8 ,this is my platform4 ,i believe that a candidate should be poor2 that he should be a thinker on other matters1 but leave political matters and nominations to professional political ganglia and molders of primaries who have given their lives and the inner coating of their stomachs to the advancement of political methods by which the old1 cumbersome and dangerous custom of defending our institutions with drawn swords may be superseded by the modern and more attractive method of doing so with overdrawn salaries4 ,fellow ,citizens and ,members of the ,band3--,in closing let me say that you have seen me placed in the trying position of postmaster for the past year4 ,for that length of time ,i have stood between you and the government at ,washington4 ,i have assisted in upholding the strong arm of the government1 and yet ,i have not allowed it to crush you4 ,no man here to-night can say that ,i have ever1 by word or deed1 revealed outside the office the contents of a postal card addrest to a member of my own party or held back or obstructed the progress of new and startling seeds sent by our representative from the ,agricultural ,department4 ,i am in favor of a full and free interchange of interstate red-eyed and pale beans1 and ,i favor the early advancement and earnest recognition of the merits of the highly offensive partizan4 ,i thank you1 neighbors and band 7husky and pianissimo71 for this gratifying little demonstration4 ,words seem empty and unavailing at this time4 ,will you not accept the hospitality of my home8 ,neighbors1 you are welcome to these halls4 ,come in and look at the family album4 ,,one ,,afternoon ,,anonymous ,the events narrated in the following story take place about the middle of the twentieth century4 ,at that date the institution known as the department store had reached its full development4 ,there was not a single article of any kind that could not be purchased at one of these mammoth emporiums4 ,it is well to bear this fact in mind1 for the whole action of this story takes place under the roof of ,sniggle ,scooper's ,department ,store4 ,,scene ,,the ,,first4 ,when ,charlie ,hussel entered ,sniggle ,scooper's refreshment department on that beautiful summer afternoon1 he had no more idea of getting married than most millionaires have of paying full taxes on all their property4 ,charlie sat down at the counter and ordered a plain soda4 ,he had been at the club the night before and his nerves were somewhat unstrung4 ,while waiting for his soda he noticed a young lady by his side toying with an ice cream soda marked down from seven cents to four and a half4 ,she was as fair as a poet's dream and the young man's heart beat tumultuously within him as he gazed at her4 ,he longed for an opportunity of speaking to her and at last it came4 ,she dropt her purse1--whether by accident ,i leave you to conjecture4 ,picking up the pocketbook our hero handed it to the young lady with a bow4 ,she took the pocketbook1 but returned the bow4 ,thank you1 she murmured2 you are very kind4 ,no1 said he1 ,i am not kind4 ,i'm a selfish brute6 ,then why did you trouble yourself to pick up my purse8 ,because1 to tell the truth1 ,i wanted to hear your voice4 ,and now that you have heard it8 ,i wish ,i could hear it always4 ,consent to be my wife4 ,you love me1 do you not8 ,yes6 ,what is your name8 ,charlie ,hussel1--and yours1 dear8 ,mildred ,uptodate4 ,now1 ,charlie1 you must ask father's consent4 ,all right1 ,mabel4 ,there is a telephone on the next floor4 ,come along and ,i'll ask him4 ,they ascended by the escalator4 ,,scene ,,the ,,second4 ,mr4 ,uptodate readily gave his consent1 for he knew of ,charlie ,hussel in a business way4 ,now1 ,mildred1 let us set the time for the wedding4 ,it is now five minutes after one4 ,suppose we say four o'clock8 ,oh1 dear1 no1 ,i can't possibly get ready before to-morrow afternoon4 ,of course you can4 ,why1 you can get everything you need right here in this store4 ,well1 ,charlie1 if you insist1 ,i suppose ,i must yield4 ,but it seems a terribly short engagement4 ,yes1 sweetheart1 but then our married life will be so much longer4 ,run along1 now1 darling1 and get your wedding-gown1 while ,i get a suit of clothes and attend to the license4 ,meet me in the chapel on the top floor at half past four sharp4 ,at the appointed hour the happy couple were made one by the department store clergyman4 ,a few minutes later they were seated in the caf enjoying their wedding dinner4 ,how happy they were as they planned for the future6 ,,scene ,,the ,,third4 ,dinner was over and the happy pair went hand-in-hand toward the transportation department to arrange for their wedding tour4 ,as they passed a bargain counter1 the bride exclaimed rapturously3 ,o ,charlie1 ,i see some lovely bargains over there4 ,do let me have two dollars4 ,a moment later the proud husband was watching his wife as with the ease born of long practise she fought her way through the crowd and reached the counter4 ,after a little while she returned waving triumphantly a folded paper1 exclaiming3 ,wasn't ,i lucky8 ,i got the last one they had4 ,what is it8 ,why1 don't you know8 ,it's a divorce6 ,the young man grew pale4 ,i thought1 he said1 you loved me4 ,why1 of course ,i love you1 but ,i simply couldn't resist such a bargain as that4 ,she pointed to a sign4 ,charlie looked at it and read3 ,,this ,,day ,,only6 ,,our ,,regular ,,divorces ,,marked ,,down ,,from #b4ge ,,to #a4fi ,,not ,,in ,,it ,,anonymous ,they built a church at his very door-- ,he wasn't in it4 ,they brought him a scheme for relieving the poor-- ,he wasn't in it4 ,let them work for themselves1 as he had done1 ,they wouldn't ask help from any one ,if they hadn't wasted each golden minute-- ,he wasn't in it4 ,so he passed the poor with haughty tread-- ,when men in the halls of virtue met ,he saw their goodness without regret2 ,too high the mark for him to win it-- ,he wasn't in it4 ,a carriage crept down the street one day-- ,he was in it4 ,the funeral trappings made a display-- ,he was in it4 ,st4 ,peter received him with book and bell2 ,my friend1 you have purchased a ticket to--well1 ,your elevator goes down in a minute4 ,he was in it6 ,a ,,twilight ,,idyl ,,by ,,robert ,j4 ,,burdette ,one summer evening1 ,mr4 ,ellis ,henderson1 a popular young man1 went out walking with two of the sweetest girls in town4 ,mr4 ,henderson wore a little straw hat with a navy blue band1 a cutaway coat1 a pair of white trousers1 a white vest1 a buttonhole bouquet1 and fifteen cents4 ,the evening was very hot1 and as they walked1 they talked about the baseball match1 the weather1 and sunstrokes4 ,by and by one of the young ladies gave a delicate little shriek4 ,,oo-oo6 ,what a funny sign6 ,ha--yes1 said ,mr4 ,henderson1 in troubled tones1 looking gently but resolutely at the wrong side of the street4 ,how funny it is spelled2 see1 ,ethel4 ,why1 said ,ethel1 it is spelled correctly4 ,isn't it1 ,mr4 ,henderson8 ,hy--why--aw--why1 yes1 to be sure1 said ,mr4 ,henderson1 staring at a window full of house-plants4 ,why1 ,mr4 ,henderson1 said ,elfrida1 how can you say so8 ,just see1 'i--c--e1 ice1 c--r double e--m1 creem'2 that's not the way to spell cream4 ,and ,mr4 ,henderson1 who was praying harder than he ever prayed before that an earthquake might come along and swallow up either himself or all the ice-cream parlors in the ,united ,states1 looked up at the chimney of the house and said3 ,that8 ,oh1 yes1 yes2 of course1 why certainly4 ,how very much cooler it has grown within the past few minutes4 ,that cool wave from ,manitoba is nearing us once more4 ,he took out his handkerchief and swabbed a face that would scorch an iceberg brown in ten minutes4 ,is it true1 ,mr4 ,henderson1 asked ,ethel1 that soda fountains sometimes explode8 ,oh1 frequently1 said he1 and they scatter death and destruction everywhere4 ,in some of our ,eastern cities they have been abolished by law1--and they ought to do the same thing here6 ,why1 in ,new ,york1 all the soda fountains have been removed far outside the city limits and are now located side by side with powder houses4 ,i am not afraid of them1 said ,ethel1 and ,i don't believe they are a bit dangerous4 ,nor ,i1 echoed ,elfrida1 ,i would not be afraid to walk up to one and stand by it all day4 ,why are you so afraid of them1 ,mr4 ,henderson8 ,because once ,i had a fair1 sweet young sister blown to pieces by one of those terrible engines of destruction while she was drinking at it1 and ,i can not look at one without growing faint4 ,how do they make soda water1 ,mr4 ,henderson8 ,he was about to reply that it was composed chiefly of dirt and poison1 when ,ethel read aloud four ice-cream signs1 and said1 ,how comfortable and happy all those people look in there4 ,then young ,mr4 ,henderson1 who had been clawing at his hair1 and tearing off his necktie and collar1 and pawing the air1 shouted in tones of wild frenzy3 ,oh1 yes1 yes1 yes6 ,come in2 come in and gorge yourselves4 ,everybody come in and eat up a whole week's salary in fifteen minutes4 ,set 'em up6 ,strawberry1 chocolate1 vanilla1 pineapple1 raspberry1 lemon1 peach1 apricot1 tutti frutti1 nesselrode pudding1 water-ice1 cake and sherbet4 ,set 'em up6 ,the treat's on me4 ,oh1 yes1 ,i can stand it4 ,ha1 ha6 ,i'm ,astorbilt in disguise4 ,oh1 yes2 it doesn't cost anything to take an evening walk6 ,put out your frozen pudding6 ,ha1 ha1 ha6 ,they carried him home to his boarding house1 and put him to bed1 and sent for his physician4 ,he is not yet out of danger1 but will recover4 ,the exact trouble is a mystery to the doctor1 but he thinks it must be hydrosodia1 as the sight of a piece of ice throws the patient into the wildest and most furious paroxysms4 ,,lavery',s ,,hens ,,anonymous ,michael ,lavery1 a thrifty ,irishman1 lived in a small cottage1 on ,devarsey ,street1 ,south ,side1 ,chicago4 ,it had no yard in front1 and the rear was ditto4 ,it had a cellar1 however1 and it occurred to ,lavery that he might make something out of it by using it as a hen-house2 but one cold night1 during the following winter1 the water-pipes burst1 flooded the cellar1 and drowned the chickens4 ,friends of ,lavery told him the city would make good his loss if he made proper application4 ,so ,mr4 ,lavery went down to the city hall1 and entering the room of the clerk1 said3 ,good marnin'4 ,me name is ,michael ,lavery1 and ,i live in ,devarsey ,street1 on the ,south ,side1 and ,i kape chickens in me cellar1 and the water came in and drowned thim2 what'll ,i do8 ,what's that8 ,me name is ,michael ,lavery1 and ,i live in ,devarsey ,street1 on the ,south ,side1 and ,i kape chickens in me cellar1 and the water came in and drowned thim2 what'll ,i do8 ,what's that8 ,me name is ,michael ,lavery1 and ,i live in ,devarsey ,street1 on the ,south ,side1 and ,i kape chickens in me cellar1 and the water came in and drowned thim2 what'll ,i do8 ,the water came in and drowned your chickens2 what will you do8 ,yis1 sir4 ,well1 you step into the next room and see the mayor4 ,you will find him at his desk2 tell him what you want4 ,all right1 sir1 ,i will4 7,exit ,lavery to next room47 ,good marnin'4 ,me name is ,michael ,lavery1 and ,i live in ,devarsey ,street1 on the ,south ,side1 and ,i kape chickens in me cellar1 and the water came in and drowned thim2 what'll ,i do8 7,gruffly47 ,what1 sir8 ,me name is ,michael ,lavery1 and ,i live in ,devarsey ,street1 on the ,south ,side1 and ,i kape chickens in me cellar1 and the water came in and drowned thim2 what'll ,i do8 ,what's that8 7,very loud47 ,me name is ,michael ,lavery1 and ,i live in ,devarsey ,street1 on the ,south ,side1 and ,i kape chickens in me cellar1 and the water came and drowned thim2 what'll ,i do8 ,i don't understand one word you say1 sir6 7,very softly and sarcastically1 and working up into loud voice47 ,me name is ,michael ,lavery1 and ,i live in ,devarsey ,street1 on the ,south ,side1 and ,i kape chickens in me cellar1 and the water came in and drowned thim2 what'll ,i do8 ,the water came in and drowned your chickens2 what will you do8 ,yis1 sir4 ,well ,i can do nothing for you1 so good-morning1 sir6 7,clerk whispers to ,lavery as he is passing out47 ,well1 ,mr4 ,lavery1 what did he say to you8 ,kape ducks6 ,,lisp ,,anonymous ,thome folks thay ,i listhp1 ,but then ,i don't perthieve it4 ,juth listhen while ,i call the cat3 ,here ,pusthy6 ,pusthy6 ,pusthy6 ,now thee ,i don't listhp4 ,,they ,,met ,,by ,,chance ,,anonymous ,they met by chance1 ,they had never met before4 ,they met by chance1 ,and she was stricken sore4 ,they never met again1 ,don't want to1 ,i'll allow6 ,they met but once3 ',twas a freight-train and a cow6 ,,the ,,bridegroom',s ,,toast ,,anonymous 7,speaks while seated47 ,i know a story1--what8 7,laughs47 ,i know another story1--eh8 ,oh1 don't ask me4 ,i never made a speech in my life4 ,i am willing to do anything to make you fully enjoy--7,this is broken by applause1 which the reader may imitate by rapping on a chair1 or on a table47 ,i will only make a fool of myself--7,attempting to get up4 ,more applause4 ,sits down again47 ,i would rather not4 7,after much difficulty and persuasion he rises to his feet and begins47 ,ladies and gentlemen1 ,i have been suddenly called upon to propose a toast1 which ,i think you will admit1--,i am suddenly called upon1--very suddenly1--to propose and--7,sits down4 ,more applause4 ,rises again47 ,ladies and gentlemen1 you are very kind 7clears throat7 and ,i will do my best1 and ,i only hope that unaccustomed as ,i am to public houses1--speaking1--,i sometimes find ,i have some difficulty in the1--of course ,i don't mean to say1--,i don't mean to say what ,i mean when ,i mean what ,i say6 ,at all events1 ladies and gentlemen1 ,i am very1 very much obliged for the kind remarks in which you have drunk my health4 7,sits down4 ,rises again47 ,i am called upon to propose a toast 7makes a motion as if someone has thrown something at him from behind striking him on the head7 upon--to propose a toast1 but have forgotten it4 ,considering it is the most important toast of the evening you will understand--7,aside3 ',what is the toast8'7--the toast of the ladies4 ,of course we all know 7runs his hand up and down the back of the chair7 whatever may be said against them1--whatever people may say about the ladies1 there is no doubt the ladies are really a very excellent--institution6 ,i don't agree with those people who--,i think1 ,i say1 that far from being a uniform success they are the reverse4 ,i am bold enough to say1 ,i don't agree that they are very nearly as good as we are4 ,i know 7again he is hit in the back7 there are few drink the health of the army and navy1--,i mean ladies4 ,shakespeare says that 'when a woman' 7hit again7--,i had it just now4 ,shakespeare says1 ',when a woman1'--oh1 yes1 the immortal bard says1 ',we won't go home till morning6' 7,sits down in great confusion47 ,,rehearsing ,,for ,,private ,,theatricals ,,by ,,stanley ,,huntley ,now1 my dear1 said ,mr4 ,spoopendyke1 opening the book and assuming the correct dramatic scowl--now my dear1 we'll rehearse our parts for ,specklewottle's theatricals4 ,i'm to be ,hamlet and you're to be the queen1 and we want this thing to go off about right4 ,the hardest part we have to play together is where ,i accuse you of poisoning my father1 and we'd better try that until we get it perfect4 ,i'll commence3 ,now1 mother1 what's the matter8 ,well1 ,i was thinking whether ,i had better wear my black silk or my maroon suit4 ,do queens wear---- ,will you be kind enough to tell me what pack of cards you got that idea of a queen from8 ,do you suppose the queen sent for ,hamlet to get his opinion about bargains in dry-goods8 ,when ,i say that you must say1 ',hamlet1 thou hast thy father much offended6' ,oh1 ,i understand1 ,i thought you asked me what ,i was thinking about4 ,i didn't know you had commenced to play4 ,try it again4 ,well you be careful this time1 this is a play1 this is4 ,think you know the difference between a play and a bankrupt sale8 ,know the distinction between a play and a millinery-shop opening8 ,now1 ,i'll begin again and you try to do it decently4 ,now1 mother1 what's the matter6 ,there's nothing the matter now2 go on1 dear4 ,i understand it now4 ,say it1 can't ye6 ,haven't ye studied this business8 ,don't ye know your part8 ,what shall ,i say1 dear8 ,say6 ,sing a hymn6 ,if you don't know your part1 get off a psalm6 ,didn't ,i tell you what to say8 ,look here4 ,have you ever read this play8 ,have you conceived any kind of a notion of what it's all about8 ,why1 yes1 you come in and stab ,mr4 ,specklewottle behind the ears and ,i scream4 ,isn't that right1 dear8 ,hear her6 ,stab ,specklewottle behind the ears6 ,that is all right2 now you scream6 ,scream1 why don't you8 ,you know so much about your measly part1 why don't you play it8 ,we-e-e-e-e6 ,i knew ,i could do it right as soon as you showed me how4 ,will that do8 ,oh1 that was queenly6 ,just do that again6 ,four of those dramatic efforts will make this play the greatest of modern entertainments6 ,do it once more6 ,it hurts my throat4 ,can't we make it do with one scream1 dear8 ,mrs4 ,spoopendyke1 there's been some mistake made in this thing4 ,you should have been cast for ,ophelia4 ,that was the part intended for you4 ,i would just as soon play it4 ,what does he do8 ,he was an idiot from his birth and afterward went crazy4 ,that was the part for you4 ,then ,i'd rather be queen4 ,now1 dear1 let's commence all over and ,i'll do it right this time4 ,you can't do it worse4 ,i'll try it once more1 just to see what kind of foolishness you can work off4 ,now1 mother1 what's the matter8 ,we-e-e-e1 ,hamlet1 oh1 ,hamlet6 ,we-e-e-e-e6 ,turn it off6 ,be quick and break off the end6 ,what's the matter8 ,we-e-e-e-e6 ,what's the matter with you1 anyway8 ,we-e-e-e-e-e6 ,my dear1 you are just splendid as ,hamlet4 ,you should have been an actor4 ,will ye ever shut up8 ,who ever told ye to yell like that8 ,don't ye know anything at all scarcely8 ,think ,hamlet's a lunatic asylum8 ,got some kind of a notion that the queen's a fog-horn8 ,where'd ye get your idea of this thing1 anyway8 ,i did just as you told me1 dear4 ,you said ,i was to scream when you asked me what the matter was4 ,didn't ,i do it right8 ,oh1 that was right6 ,you struck the keynote of high art both times6 ,with that yell and your knowledge of the text all you want now is a fire and a free list to be a theater with a restaurant attachment6 ,such talent as that can't be wasted on any cheap ,shakespeare plays while ,i've got the money and influence to get you a job in the legitimate circus6 ,and ,mr4 ,spoopendyke bolted from the house1 thoroughly disgusted with private theatricals4 ,by permission of ,the ,brooklyn ,eagle4 ,,the ,v-,a-,s-,e ,,by ,,james ,,jeffrey ,,roche ,far from the crowd they stood apart1 ,the maidens four and the ,work of ,art2 ,and none might tell from sight alone ,in which had culture ripest grown1-- ,the ,gotham ,millions fair to see1 ,the ,philadelphia ,pedigree1 ,the ,boston ,mind of azure hue1 ,or the ,soulful ,soul from ,kalamazoo1-- ,for all loved ,art in a seemly way1 ,with an earnest soul and a capital ,a4 99 99 99 99 99 ,long they worshiped1 but no one broke ,the sacred stillness1 until up spoke ,the ,western one from the nameless place1 ,who blushing said1 ,what a lovely vace6 ,over three faces a sad smile flew1 ,and they edged away from ,kalamazoo4 ,but ,gotham's haughty soul was stirred ,to crush the stranger with one small word4 ,deftly hiding reproof in praise1 ,she cries1 ',tis1 indeed1 a lovely vaze6 ,but brief her unworthy triumph when ,the lofty one from the home of ,penn1 ,with the consciousness of two grandpapas1 ,exclaims1 ,it is quite a lovely vahs6 ,and glances round with an anxious thrill1 ,awaiting the word of ,beacon ,hill4 ,but the ,boston maid smiles courteouslee1 ,and gently murmurs1 ,oh1 pardon me6 ,i did not catch your remark1 because ,i was so entranced with that charming vaws6 ,and then each nose was a sight to see ,turned up in contempt at the other three4 ,,papa ,,and ,,the ,,boy ,,by ,j4 ,l4 ,,harbour ,charming as is the merry prattle of innocent childhood1 it is not particularly agreeable at about one o'clock in the morning4 ,there are young and talkative children who have no more regard for your feelings or for the proprieties of life than to open their eyes with a snap at one or two in the morning1 and to seek to engage you in enlivening dialog of this sort4 ,papa4 ,you think you will pay no heed to the imperative little voice1 hoping that silence on your part will keep the youngster quiet2 but again that boy of three pipes out sharply3 ,papa6 ,well8 you say4 ,you 'wake1 papa8 ,yes4 ,so's me4 ,yes1 ,i hear that you are1 you say with cold sarcasm4 ,what do you want8 ,oh6 nuffin4 ,well1 lie still and go to sleep then4 ,i isn't s'eepy1 papa4 ,well1 ,i am1 young man4 ,is you8 ,i isn't--not a bit4 ,say1 papa1 papa6 ,if you was wich what would you buy me8 ,i don't know--go to sleep4 ,wouldn't you buy me nuffin8 ,i guess so2 now you---- ,what1 papa8 ,well1 a steam engine1 may be2 now you go right to sleep4 ,with a bell that would ring1 papa8 ,yes1 yes2 now you---- ,and would the wheels go wound1 papa8 ,oh6 yes 7yawning74 ,shut your eyes now1 and---- ,and would it go choo1 choo1 choo1 papa8 ,yes1 yes2 now go to sleep4 ,say1 papa4 ,no answer4 ,papa6 ,well1 what now8 ,is you 'fraid of the dark8 ,no 7drowsily74 ,i isn't either4 ,papa6 ,well8 ,if ,i was wich ,i'd buy you somefin4 ,would you8 ,yes2 ,i'd buy you some ice-cweam and some chocolum drops and a toof brush and panties wiv bwaid on like mine1 and a candy wooster1 and---- ,that will do4 ,you must go to sleep now4 ,silence for half a second1 then-- ,papa6 papa6 ,well1 what now8 ,i want a jink4 ,no1 you don't4 ,i do1 papa4 ,experience has taught you that there will be no peace until you have brought the jink1 and you scurry out to the bathroom in the dark for it1 knocking your shins against everything in the room as you go4 ,now ,i don't want to hear another word from you to-night1 you say1 as he gulps down a mouthful of the water he didn't want4 ,two minutes later he says3 ,papa6 ,see here1 laddie1 papa will have to punish you if---- ,i can spell 'dog1' papa4 ,well1 nobody wants to hear you spell at two o'clock in the morning4 ,b-o-g--dog2 is that right8 ,no1 it isn't4 ,but nobody cares if---- ,then it's d-o-g1 isn't it8 ,yes1 yes2 now you lie right down and go to sleep instantly4 ,then ,i'll be a good boy1 won't ,i1 papa8 ,yes2 you'll be the best boy on earth4 ,good-night1 dearie4 ,papa6 ,well1 well6 ,what now8 ,is ,i your little boy8 ,yes1 yes2 of course4 ,some mans haven't got any little boys2 but you have1 haven't you8 ,yes4 ,don't you wish you had two1 free1 nine1 'leben1 twenty-six1 ninety-ten1 free hundred little boys8 ,the mere possibility of such a remote and contingent calamity so paralyzes you that you lie speechless for ten minutes during which you hear a yawn or two in the little bed by your side1 a little figure rolls over three or four times1 a pair of heels fly into the air once or twice1 a warm1 moist little hand reaches out and touches your face to make sure that you are there1 and the boy is asleep with his heels where his head ought to be4 ,,the ,,obstructive ,,hat ,,in ,,the ,,pit ,,by ,f4 ,,anstey ,,scene3 ,the ,pit of a ,london theatre during ,pantomime ,time4 ,an ,overheated ,matron 7to her husband7--,well1 they don't give you much room in 'ere1 ,i must say4 ,still1 we done better than ,i expected1 after all that crushing4 ,i thought my ribs was gone once--but it was on'y the umbrella's4 ,you pretty comfortable where you are1 eh1 father8 ,father--,oh1 ,i'm right enough1 ,i am4 ,jimmy 7their small boy with a piping voice7--,if father is it's more nor what ,i am4 ,i can't see1 mother1 ,i can't6 ,mother--,lor' bles' the boy6 there ain't nothen to see yet2 you'll see well enough when the curting goes up4 7,curtain rises on opening scene47 ,look1 ,jimmy1 ain't that nice1 now8 ,all them himps1 dancin' round and real fire comin' out of the pot--which ,i 'ope it's quite safe--and there's a beautiful fairy just come on drest so grand1 too6 ,jimmy 7whimpering7--,i can't see no fairy--nor yet no himps--no nothen6 ,mother 7annoyed7--,was there ever such an aggravating boy8 ,set quiet1 do1 and don't fidget1 and look at the hactin'6 ,jimmy--,i tell yer ,i can't see no hactin'1 mother4 ,it ain't my fault--it's this lady in front of me1 with the 'at4 ,mother--,father1 the pore boy says he can't see where he is1 'cause of a lady's 'at in front4 ,father--,well1 ,i can't 'elp the 'at1 can ,i8 ,he must put up with it1 that's all6 ,mother--,no--but ,i thought1 if you wouldn't mind changing places with him2 you're taller than him4 ,father--,it's always the way with you--never satisfied1 you ain't6 ,well1 pass the boy across6 ,i'm for a quiet life1 ,i am 7changing seats74 ,will this do for you8 7,he settles down immediately behind a very large1 furry hat which he dodges for some time47 ,father 7suddenly7--,blow the 'at4 ,mother--,you can't wonder at the boy not seeing6 ,p'r'aps the lady wouldn't mind taking it off1 if you asked her8 ,father--,ah6 7touching the owner of the hat on the shoulder74 ,excuse me1 mum1 but might ,i take the liberty of asking you to kindly remove your 'at8 7,the owner of the hat deigns no reply47 ,father 7more insistently7--,would you 'ave any objection to oblige me by taking off your 'at1 mum8 7,same result47 ,i don't know if you 'eard me1 mum1 but ,i've asked you twice1 civil enough1 to take that 'at of yours off4 ,i'm playin' 'ide-and-seek be'ind it 'ere6 7,no answer47 ,mother--,people didn't ought to be allowed in the ,pit with sech 'ats6 ,callin' 'erself a lady1 and settin' there in a great 'at and feathers like a 'ighlander's1 and never answering no more nor a stuffed himage6 ,father 7to the husband of the owner of the hat7--,will you tell your good lady to take her 'at off1 sir1 please8 ,the ,owner of the ,hat 7to her husband7--,don't you do nothing of the sort1 ,sam1 or you'll 'ear of it6 ,mother--,some people are perlite1 ,i must say4 ,parties might be'ave as ladies when they come in the ,pit6 ,it's a pity her 'usband can't teach her better manners6 ,father--',im teach her6 ',e knows better4 ',e's got a ,tartar there1 'e 'as6 ,the ,owner of the ,hat--,sam1 are you going to set by and hear me insulted like this8 ,her ,husband 7turning round tremulously7--,i--,i'll trouble you to drop making these personal allusions to my wife's 'at1 sir4 ,it's puffickly impossible to listen to what's going on on the stage1 with all these remarks be'ind6 ,father--,not more nor it is to see what's going on on the stage with that 'at in front6 ,i paid 'arf-a-crown to see the ,pantermime1 ,i did2 not to 'ave a view of your wife's 'at64444 'ere1 ,maria1 blowed if ,i can stand this 'ere game any longer4 ,jimmy must change places again1 and if he can't see1 he must stand up on the seat1 that's all6 7,jimmy goes back and mounts upon the seat47 ,a ,pit-ite ,behind ,jimmy 7touching ,jimmy's father with an umbrella7--,will you tell your little boy to set down1 please1 and not to block the view like this8 ,father--,if you can indooce that lady to take off her 'at1 ,i will1 but not before4 ,stay where you are1 ,jimmy4 ,the ,pit-ite ,behind--,well1 ,i must stand myself then1 that's all4 ,i mean to see somehow6 7,he rises47 ,people ,behind 7sternly7--,set down there1 will yer8 7,he resumes his seat expostulating47 ,jimmy--,father1 the man behind is a-pinching of my legs6 ,father--,will you stop pinching my little boy's legs4 ,he ain't doing you no 'arm1 is he8 ,the ,pinching ,pit-ite--,let him sit down1 then6 ,father--,let the lady take her 'at off6 ,murmurs ,behind--,order there6 ,set down6 ,put that boy down6 ,take off that 'at6 ,silence in front there6 ,turn 'em out6 ,shame6444 ,the ,husband of the ,owner of the ,hat 7in a whisper to his wife7--,take off the blessed 'at1 and 'ave done with it1 do6 ,the ,owner of the ,hat--,what1 now8 ,i'd sooner die in the 'at6 7,an attendant is called47 ,attendant--,order1 there1 gentlemen1 please1 unless you want to get turned out6 ,no standing allowed on the seats2 you're disturbing the performance 'ere1 you know6 7,jimmy is made to sit down1 and weeps silently2 the hubbub subsides1 and the ,owner of the ,hat triumphs47 ,mother--,never mind1 my boy1 you shall have mother's seat in a minute4 ,i dessay1 if all was known1 the lady 'as reasons for keeping her 'at on1 pore thing6 ,father--,ah1 ,i never thought o' that4 ,so she may4 ,very likely her 'at won't come off--not without her 'air6 ,mother--,ah1 well1 then we mus'n't be 'ard on her4 ,the ,owner of the ,hat 7removing the obstruction7--,i 'ope you're satisfied now1 ,i'm sure8 ,father 7handsomely7--,better late nor never1 mum1 and we take it kind of you4 ,tho why you shouldn't ha' done it at fust1 ,i dunno2 for you look a deal 'ansomer without the 'at than what you did in it--don't she ,maria8 ,the ,owner of the ,hat 7mollified7--,sam1 ask the gentleman behind if his boy would like a ginger-nut4 7,this olive-branch is accepted2 compliments pass2 cordiality is restored1 and the pantomime then proceeds without any further disturbance in the audience47 ,,hullo ,,by ,s4 ,w4 ,,foss ,w'en you see a man in wo1 ,walk right up an' say ,hullo6 ,say ,hullo an' ,how d'ye do8 ,how's the world a-usin' you8 ,slap the fellow on the back2 ,bring your hand down with a whack2 ,walk right up1 an' don't go slow2 ,grin an' shake1 an' say ,hullo6 ,is he clothed ,in rags8 ,oh6 sho2 ,walk right up an' say ,hullo6 ,rags is but a cotton roll ,jest for wrappin' up a soul2 ,an' a soul is worth a true ,hale and hearty ,how d'ye do8 ,don't wait for the crowd to go ,walk right up an' say ,hullo6 ,when big vessels meet1 they say ,they saloot an' sail away4 ,jest the same are you an' me ,lonesome ships upon a sea2 ,each one sailin' his own log1 ,for a port behind the fog4 ,let your speakin' trumpet blow2 ,lift your horn an' cry ,hullo6 ,say ,hullo6 an' ,how d'ye do8 ,other folks are good as you4 ,w'en you leave your house of clay ,wanderin' in the far away1 ,w'en you travel through the strange ,country t'other side the range1 ,then the souls you've cheered will know ,who ye be1 an' say ,hullo4 ,,the ,,dutchman',s ,,telephone ,,anonymous ,i guess ,i haf to gif up my delephone already1 said an old citizen1 as he entered the office of the company with a very long face4 ,why1 what's the matter now8 ,oh6 eferytings4 ,i got dot delephone in mine house so ,i could shpeak mit der poys in der saloon down town1 und mit my relations in ,springwells1 but ,i haf to gif it up4 ,i never haf so much droubles4 ,how8 ,vhell1 my poy ,shon1 in der saloon1 he rings der pell and calls me oop und says an old frent of mine vhants to see how she vorks4 ,dot ish all right4 ,i say1 ',hello6' und he says1 ',come closer4' ,i goes closer und helloes again4 ,den he says1 ',shtand a little off4' ,i shtands a little off und yells vunce more1 und he says1 ',shpeak louder4' ,i yells louder4 ,i goes dot vhay for ten minutes1 und den he says1 ',go to ,texas1 you old ,dutchman6' ,you see8 ,yes4 ,und den mein brudder in ,springwells he rings der pell und calls me oop und says1 ',how you vhas dis eafnings8' ,i says ,i vhas feeling like some colts1 und he says1 ',who vhants to puy some goats8' ,i says1 ',colts--colts--colts6' und he answers1 ',oh6 coats4 ,i thought you said goats6' ,vhen ,i goes to ask him ef he feels petter ,i hear a voice crying out1 ',vhat ,dutchman is dot on dis line8' ,den somepody answers1 ',i doan' know1 but ,i likes to punch his headt6' ,you see8 ,yes4 ,vhell1 somedimes my vhife vhants to shpeak mit me vhen ,i am down in der saloon4 ,she rings mein pell und ,i says1 ',hello6' ,nopody shpeaks to me4 ,she rings again1 und ,i says1 ',hello1' like dunder6 ,den der ,central ,office tells me to go aheadt1 und den tells me holdt on1 und den tells mein vhife dot ,i am gone avhay4 ,i yells oudt1 ',dot ish not so1' und somepody says1 ',how can ,i talk if dot old ,dutchmans doan' keep shtill8' ,you see8 ,yes4 ,und vhen ,i gets in bedt at night1 somepody rings der pell like dear house vas on fire1 and vhen ,i shumps oud und says1 ',hello1' ,i hear somepody saying1 ',kaiser1 doan' you vhant to puy a dog8' ,i vhants no dog1 und vhen ,i tells 'em so1 ,i hear some peoples laughing1 ',haw6 haw6 haw6' ,you see8 ,yes4 ,und so you dake it oudt1 und vhen somepody likes to shpeak mit me dey shall come right avay to mein saloon4 ,oof my brudder ish sick he shall get better1 und if somepody vhants to puy me a dog1 he shall come vhere ,i can punch him mit a glub4 ,,doctor ,,marigold ,,by ,,charles ,,dickens ,i am a ,cheap ,jack1 and my own father's name was ,willum ,marigold4 ,it was in his lifetime supposed by some that his name was ,william1 but my own father always consistently said1 ,no it was ,willum4 ,on which point ,i content myself with looking at the argument this way3 ,if a man is not allowed to know his own name in a free country1 how much is he allowed to know in a land of slavery8 ,i was born on the ,queen's highway1 but it was the ,king's at that time4 ,a doctor was fetched to my own mother by my own father1 when it took place on a common2 and in consequence of his being a very kind gentleman1 and accepting no fee but a tea-tray1 ,i was named ,doctor1 out of gratitude and compliment to him4 ,there you have me4 ,doctor ,marigold4 ,the doctor having accepted a tea-tray1 you'll guess that my father was a ,cheap ,jack before me4 ,you are right4 ,he was4 ,and my father was a lovely one in his time at the ,cheap ,jack work4 ,now ,i'll tell you what4 ,i mean to go down into my grave declaring that1 of all the callings ill-used in ,great ,britain1 the ,cheap ,jack calling is the worst used4 ,why ain't we a profession8 ,why ain't we endowed with privileges8 ,why are we forced to take out a hawker's license1 when no such thing is expected of the political hawkers8 ,where's the difference betwixt us8 ,except that we are ,cheap ,jacks and they are ,dear ,jacks1 ,i don't see any difference but what's in our favor4 ,for look here6 ,say it's election-time4 ,i am on the footboard of my cart in the market-place on a ,saturday night4 ,i put up a general miscellaneous lot4 ,i say3 ,now here1 my free and independent voters1 ,i'm going to give you such a chance as you never had in all your born days1 nor yet the days preceding4 ,now ,i'll show you what ,i am a-going to do with you4 ,here's a pair of razors that'll shave you closer than the ,board of ,guardians2 here's a flat-iron worth its weight in gold2 here's a frying-pan artificially flavored with essence of beefsteaks to that degree that you've only got for the rest of your lives to fry bread and dripping in it1 and there you are complete with animal food2 here's a genuine chronometer watch in such a solid silver case that you may knock at the door with it when you come home late from a social meeting1 and rouse your wife and family and save up your knocker for the post-man2 and here's half a dozen dinner-plates that you may play the cymbals with to charm the baby when it's fractious4 ,stop4 ,i'll throw you in another article1 and ,i'll give you that1 and its a rolling-pin1 and if the baby can only get it well into its mouth when its teeth are coming1 and rub the gums once with it1 they'll come through double1 in a fit of laughter equal to be tickled4 ,stop again6 ,i'll throw you in another article1 because ,i don't like the looks of you1 for you haven't the appearance of buyers unless ,i lose by you1 and because ,i'd rather lose than not take money to-night1 and that article's a looking-glass in which you may see how ugly you look when you don't bid4 ,what do you say now8 ,come6 ,do you say a pound8 ,not you1 for you haven't got it4 ,do you say ten shillings8 ,not you1 for you owe more to the tallyman4 ,well1 then1 ,i'll tell you what ,i'll do with you4 ,i'll heap 'em all on the footboard of the cart--there they are6 razors1 flat-iron1 frying-pan1 chronometer watch1 dinner-plates1 rolling-pin1 and looking-glass--take 'em all away for four shillings1 and ,i'll give you sixpence for your trouble6 ,this is me1 the ,cheap ,jack4 ,but on ,monday morning1 in the same market-place1 comes the ,dear ,jack on the hustings--his cart--and what does he say8 ,now1 you free and independent voters1 ,i am going to give you such a chance 7he begins just like me7 as you never had in all your born days1 and that's the chance of sending myself to ,parliament4 ,now ,i'll tell you what ,i am a-going to do for you4 ,here's the interests of this magnificent town promoted above all the rest of the civilized and uncivilized earth4 ,here's your railways carried1 and your neighbors' railways jockeyed4 ,here's all your sons in the ,post ,office4 ,here's ,britannia smiling on you4 ,here's the eyes of ,europe on you4 ,here's uniwersal prosperity for you1 repletion of animal food1 golden corn-fields1 gladsome homesteads1 and rounds of applause from your own hearts1 all in one lot1 and that's myself4 ,will you take me as ,i stand8 ,you won't6 ,well1 then1 ,i'll tell you what ,i'll do with you4 ,come now6 ,i'll throw you in anything you ask for4 ,there6 ,church-rates1 abolition of church-rates1 more malt tax1 no malt tax1 uniwersal education to the highest mark1 or uniwersal ignorance to the lowest1 total abolition of flogging in the army1 or a dozen for every private once a month all round1 ,wrongs of ,men or ,right of ,women--only say which it shall be1 take 'em or leave 'em1 and ,i'm of your opinion altogether1 and the lot's your own on your own terms4 ,there6 ,you won't take it8 ,well1 then1 ,i'll tell you what ,i'll do with you4 ,come6 ,you are such free and independent woters1 and ,i am so proud of you--you are such a noble and enlightened constituency1 and ,i am so ambitious of the honor and dignity of being your member1 which is by far the highest level to which the wings of the human mind can soar--that ,i'll tell you what ,i'll do with you4 ,i'll throw you in all public-houses in your magnificent town for nothing4 ,will that content you8 ,it won't8 ,you won't take the lot yet8 ,well1 then1 before ,i put the horse in and drive away1 and make the offer to the next most magnificent town that can be discovered1 ,i'll tell you what ,i'll do4 ,take the lot1 and ,i'll drop two thousand pound in the streets of your magnificent town for them to pick up that can4 ,not enough8 ,now look here4 ,this is the very farthest that ,i'm a-going to4 ,i'll make it two thousand five hundred4 ,and still you won't8 ,here1 missis6 ,put the horse--,no1 stop half a moment1 ,i shouldn't like to turn my back upon you1 neither1 for a trifle1 ,i'll make it two thousand seven hundred and fifty pound4 ,there6 ,take the lot on your own terms1 and ,i'll count out two thousand seven hundred and fifty pound on the footboard of the cart1 to be dropt in the streets of your magnificent town for them to pick up that can4 ,what do you say8 ,come now6 ,you won't do better1 and you may do worse4 ,you take it8 ,hooray6 ,sold again1 and got the seat6 ,,the ,,ruling ,,passion ,,by ,,william ,h4 ,,siviter ,she had never mailed a letter before1 and so she approached the stamp clerk's window with the same air that she would enter a dry-goods store4 ,i would like to look at some stamps1 please4 ,what denomination do you want8 ,denomination8 ,yes4 ,is it for a letter or a newspaper8 ,oh1 ,i want to send a letter to my ,uncle ,john2 he's just moved to---- ,then you need a two-cent stamp1 said the clerk offering her one of that value4 ,i hardly like that color6 ,that is a two-cent stamp1 madam4 ,please stand aside1 and let the gentleman behind you come up4 ,but haven't you got them in any other color8 ,i never did like that shade of red4 ,there is only one color4 ,that is strange4 ,i'd think you'd keep them in different shades1 so that there'd be some choice4 ,you are sure you have none in a brighter red1 or even in a different color--,nile green1 or seal brown1 or jubilee blue1 for instance8 ,you can put two one-cent stamps on your letter if you like4 ,let me see them1 please4 ,ah1 that will do4 ,i like that shade so much better4 ,i'll take only one1 if you please4 ,if it's for a letter you'll need two4 ,these are one-cent stamps and letter postage is two cents per ounce4 ,oh1 ,i don't want to put two stamps on my letter2 ,i don't think they will look well4 ,it requires two cents to carry a letter1 madam1 and you must either put a two-cent stamp on or two ones4 ,it won't go without4 ,i must ask you to please hurry1 for you are keeping a great many people away from the window4 ,that's singular4 ,i don't like the looks of two together4 ,you are sure the other doesn't come in seal-brown1 or---- ,no1 madam2 no6 ,then ,i'll have to see if ,i can suit myself elsewhere4 ,and she departed4 ,,the ,,dutchman',s ,,serenade ,,anonymous ,vake up1 my schveet6 ,vake up1 my lofe6 ,der moon dot can't be seen abofe4 ,vake oud your eyes1 and dough it's late1 ,i'll make you oud a serenate4 ,der shtreet dot's kinder dampy vet1 ,und dhere vas no goot blace to set2 ,my fiddle's getting oud of dune1 ,so blease get vakey wery soon4 ,o my lofe6 my lofely lofe6 ,am you avake up dere abofe1 ,feeling sad and nice to hear ,schneider's fiddle shcrabin' near8 ,vell1 anyvay1 obe loose your ear1 ,und try to saw of you kin hear ,from dem bedclose vat you'm among1 ,der little song ,i'm going to sung4 ,oh1 lady1 vake6 ,get vake6 ,und hear der tale ,i'll tell2 ,oh1 you vot's schleebin' sound ub dhere1 ,i like you pooty vell6 ,your plack eyes dhem don't shine ,ven you'm ashleep--so vake6 7,yes1 hurry ub und voke up quick1 ,for goodness cracious sake67 ,my schveet inbatience1 lofe6 ,i hobe you vill oxcuse2 ,i'm singing schveetly 7dere1 py ,jinks6 ,dhere goes a shtring proke loose67 ,oh1 putiful1 schveet maid6 ,oh1 vill she ever voke8 ,der moon is mooning--7,jimminy6 dhere ,anoder shtring vent proke67 ,oh1 say1 old schleeby head6 7,now ,i vas gitting mad-- ,i'll holler now und ,i don't care ,uf ,i vake up her dad67 ,i say1 you schleeby1 vake6 ,vake out6 ,vake loose6 ,vake ub6 ,fire6 ,murder6 ,police6 ,vatch6 ,oh1 cracious6 do vake ub6 ,dot girl she schleebed--dot rain it rained ,und ,i looked shtoopid like a geese1 ,vhen mit my fiddle ,i sneaked off ,dodging der rain und dot bolice6 ,,widow ,,malone ,,by ,,charles ,,lever ,did you hear of the ,widow ,malone1 ,ohone6 ,who lived in the town of ,athlone1 ,alone6 ,oh1 she melted the hearts ,of the swains in those parts3 ,so lovely the ,widow ,malone1 ,ohone6 ,so lovely the ,widow ,malone4 ,of lovers she had a full score1 ,or more1 ,and fortunes they all had galore2 ,in store2 ,from the minister down ,to the clerk of the ,crown ,all were courting the ,widow ,malone1 ,ohone6 ,all were courting the ,widow ,malone4 ,but so modest was ,mistress ,malone1 ',twas known ,that no one could see her alone1 ,ohone6 ,let them ogle and sigh1 ,they could ne'er catch her eye1 ,so bashful the ,widow ,malone1 ,ohone6 ,so bashful the ,widow ,malone4 ,till one ,misther ,o',brien1 from ,clare1 7,how quare6 ,it's little for blushing they care ,down there47 ,put his arm round her waist1 ,gave ten kisses at laste1 ,oh1 says he1 you're my ,molly ,malone1 ,my own6 ,oh1 says he1 you're my ,molly ,malone6 ,and the widow they all thought so shy1 ,my eye6 ,ne'er thought of a simper or sigh1-- ,for why8 ,but1 ,lucius1 says she1 ,since you've now made so free1 ,you may marry your ,mary ,malone1 ,ohone6 ,you may marry your ,mary ,malone4 ,there's a moral contained in my song1 ,not wrong2 ,and one comfort1 it's not very long1 ,but strong1-- ,if for widows you die1 ,learn to kiss1 not to sigh2 ,for they're all like sweet ,mistress ,malone1 ,ohone6 ,oh1 they're all like sweet ,mistress ,malone6 ,,his ,,leg ,,shot ,,off ,,anonymous ,you have all met him4 ,he is the man with the funny story4 ,as a listener he would be popular4 ,if he would only keep quiet and listen to other people tell stories without attempting to emulate their ability he would be liked where he is now cordially disliked4 ,but that doesn't suit his temperament4 ,he will buttonhole you with his forefinger1 and with an idiotic smile on his face say4 ,ha6 ha6 ha6 ha6 ,if ,i didn't just hear the funniest thing6 ,oh1 but it was funny6 ,ha6 ha6 ha6 ,you don't begin to know how funny it was6 ,you see it was this way3 ,a long time ago there was a war1--fighting1--fighting1 you know1--between the ,north and ,south4 ,ha6 ha6 ha6 ,there was a war1 as ,i was saying1 and they got fighting1 and this man1--ha6 ha6 ha6--the funniest thing6--this man1 ,jim ,jones1--you see it was this way1--it was in the war1 you know1--between the ,north and ,south1--ha6 ha6--and this man ,jim ,jones1--ha6 ha6 ha6--it is too funny for any thing1--it was too funny6 ,well1 ,jim ,jones was fighting4 ,he went into the battle one day1 and that is the funny part of it4 ,along came a cannon-ball and took off his head6 ,ha6 ha6 ha6 7,laugh here for two minutes2 then the face gradually assumes an air of gravity47 ,no1 it wasn't his head1 it was his leg4 ,it was funny just the same4 ,down he went to the ground4 ,it stands to reason a man with one leg can't walk and go on fighting4 ,so he just laid down in his tracks4 ,couldn't do anything else4 ,just then along came a battery1--you know that is cannons1--they have horses to drag them1--men can't pull those big1 heavy cannons into battle4 ,well1 you know1 this man ,jim ,jones that had his leg shot off1 he knew this man with the cannons1--ha6 ha6--,oh1 but it was funny6 ,and he says to him1 ',if you don't carry me to where a doctor is1 my wife's a widow1 that's all about it6' ,he knew his wife was a widow if he didn't get to where the doctor was4 ,you know the doctors don't stay up where the soldiers are fighting in a battle1--they're back1 away back1 the doctors are4 ,so this man with his leg shot off1 he says1 ',you've got to take me where a doctor is1 or my wife's a widow1 that's all about it6' ,well1 this neighbor of his didn't like to go back on an old friend1--ha6 ha6--with his leg shot off1--this man that had his leg shot off early in the battle and couldn't go on fighting1--but he says to him3 ',how am ,i to get you back there8' and he 'lowed he'd have to carry him4 ,well1 with that he shouldered ,jim ,jones1--ha6 ha6--threw him over his shoulder just like that1 and away they went6 7,laugh heartily here47 ,and that is where the joke came in1--along came a cannon-ball and took of his head6 ,not the man's head1 but ,jimmy ,jones' head6 ,but pshaw1 the man didn't know anything about it4 ,along he went with ,jimmy over his shoulder4 ,just then an officer came up4 ,he says3 ',where are you going with that thing8' ,well1 the man didn't like to give a short answer4 ,soldiers are not allowed to give short answers to officers4 ,he simply saluted and says3 ',well1 it's this way3 ,this man's an old neighbor of mine4 ,he was coming into battle1--ha6 ha6--and he 'lowed that a cannon-ball came along and took off his leg4 ,he says if we don't take him to where a doctor is his wife's a widow and that's all about it1--and so1--ha6 ha6--and so ,i'm just taking him back to where the doctor is1 captain4' ,the captain looked at him a moment1 and he says3 ',why you idiot1 it isn't his leg1 it's his head6' ,then the man says1--not ,jimmy ,jones1--he had his head off and couldn't say anything1--',oh1 the confounded rascal1 he told me it was his leg6' ,,the ,,stuttering ,,umpire ,,by ,,the ,,khan ,oh1 we had our share of trouble1 ,i'll tell you now the source1 ,the umpire that we sent for1 ,well1 he didn't come1 of course4 ,have you noticed1 at the line-up ,when everything's for fair1 ,the referee1 the umpire1 ,that should be there1 isn't there8 ,the crowd it grew impatient2 ,we heard their angry mutters4 ,we picked on ,johnny ,jimson1 ,tho ,johnny ,jimson stutters2 ,but1 still1 he knows the game all right-- ,indeed1 he knows it all-- ,so in his place he hollered3 ,pup-pup-pup-play bub-ball6 ,jake ,mingus was first batter1 ,our county's favorite son2 ,he hit an' missed4 ,johnny yelled3 ,stuh-stuh-stuh-strike wu-one6 ,another ball went o'er the plate1 ,and ,jakey's bat went whoo6 ,then all the crowd heard ,johnny shout3 ,tut-tut-tut-tut-tut-two6 ,the next one was a daisy1 ,it made the audience howl2 ,jakey tapped it1 ,johnny yelled3 ,fow-ow-ow-ow-oul6 ,and so the game went gaily1 ,a game a body likes1 ,till ,jack had called three balls on ,jake ,and also called two strikes4 ,the breathless crowd was anxious1 ,for this will tell the tale2 ,the pitcher tied himself in knots1 ,the catcher did not quail4 ,whizz6 went the ball--the rabble waits ,the umpire's verdict1 but ,all that ,johnny ,jimson said ,was ,tut-tut-tut---- ,did he mean to say1 ,tut-tut-take your base1 ,or else1 ,tut-tut-three strikes8 ,just fix it up to suit yourself ,as anybody likes1 ,it busted up our little game1 ,it was too utterly utter4 ,don't try to be an umpire if ,you stut-tut-tut-tutter4 ,,the ,,man ,,who ,,will ,,make ,a ,,speech ,,anonymous ,a man wearing passably good clothes and a look of mental anxiety entered a fashionable drug-store1 and said to the clerk3 ,are you pretty well posted on big words8 ,yes1 said the clerk1 ,i know quite a large number of big words4 ,well1 then1 said the stranger1 here's the situation3 ,out where ,i live ,i am a pretty big gun1 and when anything is going on they call on me for a speech4 ,i made one on election day1 another the same evening1 and another the next morning1 and now ,i'm laying the sleepers for a speech to eclipse them all4 ,what sort of a speech8 asked the clerk4 ,political1 of course4 ,my other speeches were political1 but were very plain4 ,this time ,i want to get in some regular old twisters4 ,for one thing ,i would declare this country in a state of--what do you call it8 ,peace6 ,no1 sir2 ,i mean confusion1 excitement1 and so on4 ,there's a word to signify it1 but ,i can't speak it4 ,abject terrorism8 ,no--no4 ,its archany1 or something of the kind4 ,i guess you mean anarchy1 don't you8 ,i do--,i do6 ,bless me if ,i haven't been trying for a whole hour to get that word6 ,that's the very thing4 ,when called out ,i want to lead off with3 ',fellow citizens1 the peace has flown1 and arnica reigns supreme6' ,i guess that will knock them4 ,you don't mean arnica--you mean anarchy4 ,that's what ,i mean1 of course1 but every time ,i think anarchy ,i get it arnica1 and ,i don't know but ,i will have to give up the speech4 ,why don't you write it down8 ,the man took up a pen and wrote3 ,a-r-k-a-n-y4 ,then he said3 ,peace has fled and arkany reigns in the land4 ,i told you it was anarchy4 ,that's so--that's so4 ,this suspense is telling on my memory like a fit of illness4 ,now1 then1 a-n-a-r-k-y1 anarky1 and don't you forget it4 ,you needn't say anything about my calling in here4 ,oh1 that's all right4 ,over seven-eighths of the best speakers in town come to me for big words4 ,many thanks2 and now1 ',fellow citizens1 peace has fled far1 far away1 and arkany reigns----' ,hold on1 is that the right word8 ,he halted at the door to examine the slip of paper1 and after repeating the right word over several times he went on3 ,a state of anchovy is upon us1 and where will it end8 ,as he walked up the street he was overheard to say3 ,arnica6 ,arnica6 where will it end8 ,,carlotta ,,mia ,,by ,t4 ,a4 ,,daly ,giuseppe1 da ,barber1 ees great for mash1 ,he gotta da bigga1 da blacka mustache1 ,good clo'es an' good styla an' playnta good cash4 ,w'enever ,giuseppe ees walk on da street1 ,da people dey talka ,how nobby6 ,how neat6 ,how softa da handa1 haw smalla da feet4 ,he raisa hees hat1 an' he shaka hees curls1 ,an' smila weeth teetha so shiny like pearls2 ,oh1 many da heart of da silly young girls ,he gotta1 ,yes playnta he gotta-- ,but notta-- ,carlotta6 ,giuseppe1 da ,barber1 he maka da eye1 ,an' lika da steam-engine puffa an' sigh ,for catcha ,carlotta w'en she ees go by4 ,carlotta she walka weeth her nose in da air1 ,an' look through ,giuseppe weeth far-away stare1 ,as eef she no see dere ees som'body dere4 ,giuseppe1 da ,barber1 he gotta da cash1 ,he gotta da clo'es an' da bigga mustache1 ,he gotta da silly young girls for da mash4 ,but notta-- ,you bat my life1 notta-- ,carlotta2 ,i gotta6 ,,the ,,vassar ,,girl ,,by ,,wallace ,,irwin ,oh1 ,martha's back from ,vassar1 ,said farmer ,james ,mc,cassar3 ,o ,martha1 come into the house and mix a batch of bread4 ,but ,martha's accents fluttered ,as she murmured1 as she stuttered1 ,i have studied the satanic ,ways of bacilli organic1 ,and it throws me in a panic1 pa1 to mix a batch of bread4 ,chorus ,at ,vassar-oh1 at ,vassar-oh1 ,that's what we learn at ,vassar6 ,we love our ,alma ,mater so ,we do not like to sass 'er4 ,we have a superstition ,there's nothing like the damsel with the dear old ,vassar ,v4 ,oh1 ,martha's back from ,vassar1 ,said farmer ,james ,mc,cassar3 ,o ,martha1 go out to the barn and milk the brindle cow4 ,but ,martha cried3 ,oh1 bother6 ,as she faced her poor old father1 ,with golf ,i love to tussle ,and with basket-ball to hustle-- ,but ,i haven't got the muscle to subdue the brindle cow4 ,chorus ,at ,vassar-oh1 at ,vassar-oh1 ,that's what we learn at ,vassar6 ,we love our ,alma ,mater so ,we do not like to sass 'er4 ,we have a superstition ,there's nothing like the damsel with the dear old ,vassar ,v4 ,oh1 ,martha's home from ,vassar6 ,cried the angry ,james ,mc,cassar3 ,o ,martha1 take yer study-books and don't come home no more6 ,so the maiden in contrition ,got a typist-girl's position1 ,wed a millionaire named ,harris ,who1 lest poverty embarrass1 ,made his wife a millionairess4 ,and she's ne'er been heard of more4 ,chorus ,at ,vassar-oh1 at ,vassar-oh1 ,that's what we learn at ,vassar6 ,we love our ,alma ,mater so ,we do not like to sass 'er4 ,learning's road is rough and stony2 ,but for golden matrimony ,there's nothing like the maiden with the dear old ,vassar ,v4 ,from ,shame of the ,colleges1 ,outing ,publishing ,co41 by permission4 ,a ,,short ,,sermon ,,anonymous 7,delivered in usual singsong style of the conventional curate47 ,i am going to preach to you this morning1 my friends1 upon the young man who was sick of the palsy4 ,now1 this young man was sick of the palsy4 ,the palsy1 as you are all aware1 is a very terrible disease1 a wasting scourge4 ,and this young man was sick of the palsy4 ,and the palsy1 as you know1 is strongly hereditary4 ,it had been in his family4 ,his father had been sick of the palsy1 and his mother had been sick of the palsy1 and they had all of them1 in fact1 been sick of the palsy4 ,and this young man had been sick of the palsy4 ,yes1 my dear friends1 he had had it for years and years1 and--he was sick of it4 ,a ,,lancashire ,,dialectic ,,sketch 7,tummy and ,meary7 ,,anonymous ,tummy and ,meary wor barn to be wed1 tha knaws4 ,and th' neet afoor they were to be wed1 ,tummy he goes to ,meary1 and he says1 ,meary1 lass1 he says1 ,i'se noonan barn to wed tha4 ,oo isn't8 hoo says4 ,nooa1 says ,tummy1 ,i isn't4 ,i'se chaanged my mind4 ,why1 tha greeat thiek-heead1 hoo says1 tha's allus a-chaangin' thy mind4 ,ah1 weel1 say ,tummy1 ,i ha' chaanged my mind1 and that's enough for thee4 ,weel1 tha knaws ,meary didn't want for to loose ,tummy1 for she didn't knaw where she'd pick up another as good4 ,soa she tried all sooarts of waays for keepin' him on4 ,first hood tried carneyin' an' cooaxin' of him1 and when she found as cooaxin' weren't o' noa use hoo tried bully-raggin' him1 and when she found as bully-raggin' weren't o' noa use1 she tried stratagem--and that's a woman's last resource6 ,tummy1 hoo says1 tho tha's a' love for me1 ,i still ha' a gradely liking for thee1 lad4 ,and1 tha sees1 if tha gies me up1 folks'll lay a' blame upo' thee4 ,noo1 ,i'll tell tha what tha mun do4 ,tha mun gooa to th' church wi' me i' th' mornin'1 and when the parson says to thee1 ',wilt tha ha' ,meary for to be thy wedded wife8' tha mun say1 ',yes1 ,i will4' ,and when th' parson says to me1 ',meary1 lass1 will tha ha' ,tummy for to be thy wedded husband8' ,i'll say1 ',noa1 ,i weean't4' ,and then tha'll get off scot-free1 tha seeas1 and th' folk'll lay a' th' blame upo' me4 ,weel1 ,tummy1 he were a coward at heart1 and he didn't want ,meary for to gooa aboot sayin' nasty things aboot him1 and so he went--poor lad6 ,and when they'd getten to' th' church i' th' mornin'1 parson he says to ,tummy1 ,tummy1 he says1 wilt thou have ,meary for to be thy wedded wife8 ,and ,tummy1 he speaks oot bold-like1 ,aw6 ,ah will6 ,and soona then th' parson he turns to ,meary1 and he says1 ,meary1 lass1 wilt thou have ,tummy for to be thy wedded husband8 ,and ,meary shoo up and shoo says1 ,aw6 ,ah will6 ,tummy says1 ,nay1 nay2 that winnot dew4 ,tha was to say as tha wouldn't4 ,aye1 but1 says ,meary1 there's others can chaange their minds1 ,tummy1 as weel as thee6 ,sooa hoo gat him6 ,,his ,,blackstonian ,,circumlocution ,,anonymous ,i received1 this afternoon1 said the bright-eyed1 common-sense girl1 the while a slight blush of maidenly coyness tinted her peach-hued cheeks1 a written proposal of marriage from ,horace ,j4 ,pokelong1 the rising young attorney1 and---- ,huh6 that petrified dub6 jealously ejaculated the young dry-goods dealer1 who had been hanging back because of his timidity and excessive adoration4 ,he says1 proceeded the maiden1 gently ignoring the interruption1 and reading aloud from the interesting document1 ',i have carefully and comprehensively analyzed my feelings toward you1 and the result is substantially as follows1 to wit3 ,i respect1 admire1 adore and love you1 and hereby give1 grant and convey to you my heart and all my interest1 right and title in and to the same1 together with all my possessions and emoluments1 either won1 inherited or in any other manner acquired1 gained1 anticipated or expected1 with full and complete power to use1 expend1 utilize1 give away1 bestow or otherwise make use of the same1 anything heretofore stated1 exprest1 implied or understood1 in or by my previous condition1 standing1 walk1 attitude or actions1 to the contrary notwithstanding2 and ,i furthermore----' ,i--,i----6 fairly shouted the listener1 springing to his feet1 and extending his arms4 ,miss ,brisk--,maud--,i love you6 ,will you marry me8 ,yes1 ,i will6 promptly answered the lass1 as she contentedly snuggled up in his encircling embrace4 ,and ,i'll reply to the ponderous appeal of that pedantic procrastinator with the one expressive slangism1 ',twenty-three6' ,i am yours1 ,clarence6 ,,katrina ,,likes ,,me ,,poody ,,vell ,,anonymous ,somedimes ven ,i'm a-feeling bad1 ,cause dings dey don'd go righd1 ,i gid so kinder awful sick1 ,und lose my abbedide4 ,und ven ,i go me to der house1 ,und by dot daple sit1 ,dot widdles makes me feel gwide bale1 ,und ,i don'd kin ead a bit4 ,my head dot shbind arount unt rount1 ,und my eyes dem look so vild1 ,dot of my mudder she was dere1 ,she voodn't know her shild4 ,dot is der dime ,katrina comes1 ,und nice vords she does dell1 ,mit her heart a-busding oud mit loaf1 ,for she likes me poody vell4 ,she gifes me efery kind of dings ,dot she dinks will done me goot2 ,she cooks me shblendid sassage mead1 ,und oder kinds of foot2 ,she ties vet rags arount my head ,when dot begins to shvell1 ,und soaks my feet mit ,brandred's bills1 ,for she likes me poody vell4 ,she sings me nice und poody songs1 ,mit a woice dot's shweed und glear1 ,und says1 ,dot of ,i vas to die ,she voodn't leef a year4 ,of dot aind so1 or if id is1 ,i don'd vas going to dell2 ,but dis much ,i am villing to shwore-- ,she likes me poody vell4 ,,at ,,the ,,restaurant ,,anonymous ,waiter--,well1 ladies1 what will it be8 ,mrs4 ,etamine--,i don't know what you girls are going to take1 but ,i can't eat a thing--unless it's ice-cream4 ,miss ,de ,beige--,i'm sure ,i don't want anything except cream4 ,i never can eat in this hot weather4 ,miss ,satine--,i'd like some ice-cream1 if they've got any real pistache4 ,miss ,foulard--,oh1 ,i wouldn't trust them to give me pistache here6 ,i don't believe they know what pistache is4 ,i'm going to take chocolate4 ,mrs4 ,e4--,i'd take chocolate1 too1 only it's so heavy all by itself4 ,miss ,de ,b4--,why don't you take it with strawberry8 ,mrs4 ,e4--,oh1 ,i don't think strawberry and chocolate go well together6 ,the contrast is too striking1 don't you think8 ,miss ,de ,b4--,well1 perhaps it is a little--loud4 ,miss ,f4--,lemon and chocolate are awfully nice4 ,miss ,s4--,but there's something about pistache1 don't you know1 so delicate4 ,miss ,f4--,i'm sure lemon is delicate4 ,you can't taste any flavor at all1 the way they make it at most places4 ,miss ,s4--,but pistache is so refined1 don't you know4 ,mrs4 ,e4--,dear me1 here's this man standing by waiting--it's perfectly horrid to have him looming over us like a ghost or something4 ,do let's give our orders and get him away6 ,miss ,de ,b4--,well1 what are you going to order8 ,mrs4 ,e4--,why1 ,i told you--chocolate and lemon4 ,miss ,f4--,no2 that was what ,i ordered1 wasn't it8 ,mrs4 ,e4--,why1 so it was6 ,chocolate and strawberry ,i meant4 ,some people think that's too heavy--too cloying1 you know--but ,i think it's about as good as anything4 ,miss ,de ,b4--,well1 ,i think ,i'll take that1 too4 ,i don't know1 tho4 ,lemon is awfully good4 ,i know a lady up in the ,catskills--she had the loveliest little boy1 just six years old1 with curly hair that hung ever so far down his back1 and he used to come to me every morning and ask for candy in the prettiest way--just like a little dog1 and he learned it all himself--his mother told me nobody taught him--tho ,i've always believed that that child never could have originated the idea all by himself---- ,mrs4 ,e4--,excuse me1 ,clara1 but the man is waiting4 ,miss ,de ,b4--,as ,i was saying1 she was poisoned by eating lemon ice-cream2 but ,i believe they found out afterward that some one put the rat-poison in the freezer by mistake--,i beg your pardon1 ,mrs4 ,etamine2 ,i didn't know you were speaking--oh1 yes--strawberry ice-cream1 waiter1 and a fork1 if you please--don't bring me a spoon--,i don't want it4 ,miss ,s4--,well1 if ,i can't have pistache---- ,miss ,f4--,you can't--,i'm sure they haven't got it here4 ,i'll take--let me see--some chocolate1 ,i guess4 ,is your chocolate good1 waiter8 ,miss ,s4--,oh1 it's sure to be good--they never give you bad chocolate4 ,well1 ,i did want pistache2 but ,i think ,i'll take lemon4 ,some lemon ice-cream1 waiter--lemon flavor--and don't bring it in half melted4 ,mrs4 ,e4 7impressively7--,some chocolate and strawberry ice-cream1 waiter1 mixed4 ,and a spoon4 ,do you understand me1 waiter8 ,a spoon4 ,not a fork4 ,miss ,f4--,chocolate ice-cream--don't forget6 ,miss ,s4--,lemon ice-cream6 ,miss ,de ,b4--,strawberry--and a fork6 ,mrs4 ,e4--,chocolate and strawberry--spoon1 of course1 waiter4 ,i suppose you know that4 ,waiter--,ice-cream8 ,yes1 ma'am4 ,we ain't got nothin' only verniller1 ma'am4 ,yaas'm--all out of everythin' only verniller4 ,what'll it be1 ladies8 ,by permission of ,puck4 ,new ,york ,a-,,feared ,,of ,a ,,gal ,,anonymous ,oh1 darn it all6 a-feared of her1 ,and such a mite of a gal2 ,why1 two of her size rolled into one ,won't ditto ,sister ,sal6 ,her voice is sweet as the whippoorwill's1 ,and the sunshine's in her hair2 ,but ,i'd rather face a redskin's knife1 ,or the grip of a grizzly bear4 ,yet ,sal says3 ,why1 she's such a dear1 ,she's just the one for you4 ,oh1 darn it all6 a-feared of a gal1 ,and me just six feet two6 ,tho she ain't any size1 while ,i'm ,considerable tall1 ,i'm nowhere when she speaks to me1 ,she makes me feel so small4 ,my face grows red1 my tongue gets hitched1 ,the plagued thing won't go2 ,it riles me1 'cause it makes her think ,i'm most tarnation slow4 ,and tho folks say she's sweet on me1 ,i guess it can't be true4 ,oh1 darn it all6 a-feared of a gal1 ,and me just six feet two6 ,my sakes6 just s'pose if what the folks ,is saying should be so6 ,go1 ,cousin ,jane1 and speak to her1 ,find out and let me know2 ,tell her the gals should court the men1 ,for isn't this leap-year8 ,that's why ,i'm kind of bashful like1 ,a-waiting for her here4 ,and should she hear ,i'm scared of her1 ,you'll swear it can't be true4 ,oh1 darn it all1 a-feared of a gal1 ,and me just six feet two6 ,,leaving ,,out ,,the ,,joke ,,anonymous ,some people are bright enough to enjoy a good joke1 but do not have retentive memories1 so as to be able to repeat it to others4 ,failures of this kind are sometimes very ludicrous4 ,we give some good specimens4 ,the most famous of this class was the college professor1 who1 on parting with a student that had called on him1 noticed that he had a new coat1 and remarked that it was too short4 ,the student1 with an air of resignation1 replied3 ,it will be long enough before ,i get another4 ,the professor enjoyed the joke heartily1 and going to a meeting of the college faculty just afterward1 he entered the room in great glee and said3 ,young ,sharp got off such a joke just now4 ,he called on me a little while ago1 and as he was leaving1 ,i noticed his new coat1 and told him it was too short1 and he said3 ,it will be a long time before ,i get another4 ,no one laughed1 and the professor sobering down1 remarked3 ,it doesn't seem so funny as when he said it4 ,a red-haired woman who was ambitious of literary distinction found but poor sale for her book4 ,a gentleman1 in speaking of her disappointment1 said3 ,her hair is red 7read7 if her book is not4 ,an auditor1 in attempting to relate the joke elsewhere1 said3 ,she has red hair if her book hasn't4 ,the most unfortunate attempt at reproducing another's wit was made by an ,englishman who didn't understand the pun1 but judged from the applause with which it was greeted that it must be excellent4 ,during a dinner at which he was a guest a waiter let a boiled tongue slip off the plate on which he was bearing it1 and it fell on the table4 ,the host at once apologized for the mishap as a lapsus lingu 7slip of the tongue74 ,the joke was the best thing at the dinner1 and our friend concluded to bring it up at his own table4 ,he accordingly invited his company and instructed his servant to let fall a roast of beef as he was bringing it to the table4 ,when the accident occurred1 he exclaimed3 ,that's a lapsus lingu4 ,nobody laughed1 and he said again1 ,i say that's a lapsus lingu1 and still no one laughed4 ,a screw was loose somewhere2 so he told about the tongue falling1 and they did laugh4 ,why is this1 said a waiter1 holding up a common kitchen utensil1 more remarkable than ,napoleon ,bonaparte8 ,because ,napoleon was a great man1 but this is a grater4 ,when the funny man reproduced it in his circle1 he asked the question right1 but answered it1 ,because ,napoleon was a great man1 but this is a nutmeg-grater4 ,,the ,,cyclopeedy ,,by ,,eugene ,,field ,havin' lived next door to the ,hobart place f'r goin' on thirty years1 ,i calc'late that ,i know jest about ez much about the case ez anybody else now on airth1 exceptin' perhaps it's ol' ,jedge ,baker1 and he's so plaguey old 'nd so powerful feeble that he don't know nothin'4 ,it seems that in the spring uv '#dg--the year that ,cy ,watson's oldest boy wuz drownded in ,west ,river--there come along a book agent sellin' volyumes 'nd tracks f'r the diffusion uv knowledge1 'nd havin' got the recommend of the minister 'nd uv the select-men1 he done an all-fired big business in our part uv the county4 ,his name wuz ,lemuel ,higgins1 'nd he wuz ez likely a talker ez ,i ever heerd1 barrin' ,lawyer ,conkey1 'nd everybody allowed that when ,conkey wuz round he talked so fast that the town pump ud have to be greased every twenty minutes4 ,one of the first uv our folks that this ,lemuel ,higgins struck wuz ,leander ,hobart4 ,leander had jest marr'd one uv the ,peasley girls1 'nd had moved into the old homestead on the ,plainville road1--old ,deacon ,hobart havin' give up the place to him1 the other boys havin' moved out ,west 7like a lot o' darned fools that they wuz674 ,leander wuz feelin' his oats jest about this time1 'nd nuthin' wuz too good f'r him4 ,hattie1 sez he1 ,i guess ,i'll have to lay in a few books f'r readin' in the winter time1 'nd ,i've half a notion to subscribe f'r a cyclopeedy4 ,mr4 ,higgins here says they're invalerable in a family1 and that we orter have 'em1 bein' as how we're likely to have the fam'ly bime by4 ,lor's sakes1 ,leander1 how you talk6 sez ,hattie1 blushin' all over1 ez brides allers does to heern tell uv sich things4 ,waal1 to make a long story short1 ,leander bargained with ,mr4 ,higgins for a set uv them cyclopeedies1 'nd he signed his name to a long printed paper that showed how he agreed to take a cyclopeedy oncet in so often1 which wuz to be ez often ez a new one uv the volyumes wuz printed4 ,a cyclopeedy isn't printed all at oncet1 because that would make it cost too much2 consekently the man that gets it up has it strung along fur apart1 so as to hit folks once every year or two1 and gin'rally about harvest time4 ,so ,leander kind uv liked the idee1 and he signed the printed paper 'nd made his affidavit to it afore ,jedge ,warner4 ,the fust volyume of the cyclopeedy stood on a shelf in the old seckertary in the settin'-room about four months before they had any use f'r it4 ,one night ',squire ,tuner's son come over to visit ,leander 'nd ,hattie1 and they got to talkin' about apples1 'nd the sort uv apples that wuz the best4 ,leander allowed that the ,rhode ,island greenin' wuz the best1 but ,hattie and the ,turner boy stuck up f'r the ,roxbury russet1 until at last a happy idee struck ,leander1 and sez he3 ,we'll leave it to the cyclopeedy1 b'gosh6 ,whichever one the cyclopeedy sez is the best will settle it4 ,but you can't find out nothin' 'bout ,roxbury russets nor ,rhode ,island greenin's in our cyclopeedy1 sez ,hattie4 ,why not1 ,i'd like to know8 sez ,leander1 kind uv indignant like4 ',cause ours hain't got down to the ,r yet1 sez ,hattie4 ,all ours tells about is things beginnin' with ,a4 ,well1 ain't we talkin' about ,apples6 sez ,leander4 ,you aggervate me terrible1 ,hattie1 by insistin' on knowin' what you don't know nothin' 'bout4 ,leander went to the seckertary 'nd took down the cyclopeedy 'nd hunted all through it f'r ,apples1 but all he could find wuz ,apple--,see ,pomology4 ,how in the thunder kin ,i see ,pomology1 sez ,leander1 when there ain't no ,pomology to see8 ,gol durn a cyclopeedy1 anyhow6 ,and he put the volyume back onto the shelf 'nd never sot eyes into it agin4 ,that's the way the thing run f'r years 'nd years4 ,leander would've gin up the plaguey bargain1 but he couldn't2 he had signed a printed paper 'nd had swore to it before a justice of the peace4 ,higgins would have had the law on him if he had throwed up the trade4 ,the most aggervatin' feature uv it all wuz that a new one uv them cussid cyclopeedies wuz allus sure to show up at the wrong time1--when ,leander wuz hard up or had jest been afflicted some way or other4 ,his barn burnt down two nights afore the volyume containin' the letter ,b arrived1 and ,leander needed all his chink to pay f'r lumber1 but ,higgins sot back on that affidavit and defied the life out uv him4 ,never mind1 ,leander1 sez his wife1 soothin' like1 it's a good book to have in the house1 anyhow1 now that we've got a baby4 ,that's so1 sez ,leander1 babies does begin with ,b1 don't it8 ,you see their fust baby had been born2 they named him ,peasley1--,peasley ,hobart1--after ,hattie's folks4 ,so1 seein' as how he wuz payin' f'r a book that told about babies1 ,leander didn't begredge that five dollars so very much after all4 ,leander1 sez ,hattie1 that ,b cyclopeedy ain't no account4 ,there ain't nothin' in it about babies except ',see ,maternity'6 ,waal1 ,i'll be gosh durned6 sez ,leander4 ,that wuz all he said1 and he couldn't do nothin' at all1 f'r that book agent1 ,lemuel ,higgins1 had the dead-wood on him1--the mean1 sneakin' critter6 ,so the years passed on1 one of the cyclopeedies showin' up now 'nd then1--sometimes every two years 'nd sometimes every four1 but allus at a time when ,leander found it pesky hard to give up a fiver4 ,it warn't no use cussin' ,higgins2 ,higgins jest laffed when ,leander allowed that the cyclopeedy wuz no good 'nd that he wuz bein' robbed4 ,meantime ,leander's family wuz increasin' and growin'4 ,little ,sarey had the hoopin'-cough dreadful one winter1 but the cyclopeedy didn't help out at all1 'cause all it said wuz3 ,hoopin' ,cough--,see ,whoopin' ,cough--and uv course1 there warn't no ,whoopin' ,cough to see1 bein' as how the ,w hadn't come yet4 ,oncet when ,hiram wanted to dreen the home pasture1 he went to the cyclopeedy to find out about it1 but all he diskivered wuz3 ,drain--,see ,tile4 ,this wuz in #ahei1 and the cyclopeedy had only got down to ,g4 ,the cow wuz sick with lung fever one spell1 and ,leander laid her dyin' to that cussid cyclopeedy1 'cause when he went to readin' 'bout cows it told him to ,see ,zoology4 ,but what's the use uv harrowin' up one's feelin's talkin' 'nd thinkin' about these things8 ,leander got so after a while that the cyclopeedy didn't worry him at all3 he grew to look at it ez one uv the crosses that human critters has to bear without complainin' through this vale uv tears4 ,the only thing that bothered him wuz the fear that mebbe he wouldn't live to see the last volyume1--to tell the truth1 this kind uv got to be his hobby1 and ,i've heern him talk 'bout it many a time settin' round the stove at the tavern 'nd squirtin' tobacco juice at the sawdust box4 ,his wife1 ,hattie1 passed away with the yaller janders the winter ,w come1 and all that seemed to reconcile ,leander to survivin' her wuz the prospect uv seein' the last volyume uv that cyclopeedy4 ,lemuel ,higgins1 the book agent1 had gone to his everlastin' punishment2 but his son1 ,hiram1 had succeeded to his father's business 'nd continued to visit the folks his old man had roped in4 ,by this time ,leander's children had growed up2 all on 'em wuz marr'd1 and there wuz numeris grandchildren to amuse the ol' gentleman4 ,but ,leander wuzn't to be satisfied with the common things uv airth2 he didn't seem to take no pleasure in his grandchildren like most men do2 his mind wuz allers sot on somethin' else1--for hours 'nd hours1 yes1 all day long1 he'd set out on the front stoop lookin' wistfully up the road for that book agent to come along with a cyclopeedy4 ,he didn't want to die till he'd got all the cyclopeedies his contract called for2 he wanted to have everything straightened out before he passed away4 ,when--oh1 how well ,i recollect it--when ,y come along he wuz so overcome that he fell over in a fit uv paralysis1 'nd the old gentleman never got over it4 ,for the next three years he drooped 'nd pined and seemed like he couldn't hold out much longer4 ,finally he had to take to his bed1--he was so old 'nd feeble1--but he made 'em move the bed up ag'inst the window so he could watch for that last volyume of the cyclopeedy4 ,the end come one balmy day in the spring uv '#hg4 ,his life wuz a-ebbin' powerful fast2 the minister wuz there1 'nd me1 'nd ,dock ,wilson1 'nd ,jedge ,baker1 'nd most uv the fam'ly4 ,lovin' hands smoothed the wrinkled forehead 'nd breshed back the long1 scant1 white hair1 but the eyes of the dyin' man wuz sot upon that piece uv road over which the cyclopeedy man allus come4 ,all to oncet a bright 'nd joyful look come into them eyes1 'nd ol' ,leander riz up in bed 'nd sez3 ,it's come6 ,what is it1 father8 asked his daughter ,sarey1 sobbin' like4 ,hush1 sez the minister1 solemnly2 he sees the shinin' gates uv the ,noo ,jerusalem4 ,no1 no1 cried the aged man2 it is the cyclopeedy--the letter ,z--it's comin'6 ,and1 sure enough6 the door opened1 and in walked ,higgins4 ,he tottered rather than walked1 f'r he had growed old 'nd feeble in his wicked perfession4 ,here's the ,z cyclopeedy1 ,mr4 ,hobart1 says ,higgins4 ,leander clutched it2 he hugged it to his pantin' bosom2 then stealin' one pale hand under the pillar he drew out a faded banknote 'nd gave it to ,higgins4 ,i thank ,thee for this boon1 sez ,leander1 rollin' his eyes up devoutly2 then he gave a deep sigh4 ,hold on1 cried ,higgins1 excitedly1 you've made a mistake--it isn't the last---- ,but ,leander didn't hear him--his soul hed fled from its mortal tenement 'nd hed soared rejoicin' to realms uv everlastin' bliss4 ,he is no more1 sez ,dock ,wilson1 metaphorically4 ,then who are his heirs8 asked that mean critter ,higgins4 ,we be1 sez the fam'ly4 ,do you conjointly and severally acknowledge and assume the obligation of deceased to me8 he asked 'em4 ,what obligation8 asked ,peasley ,hobart1 stern like4 ,deceased died owin' me f'r a cyclopeedy6 sez ,higgins4 ,that's a lie6 sez ,peasley4 ,we seen him pay you for the ,z6 ,but there's another one to come1 sez ,higgins4 ,another8 they all asked4 ,yes1 the index1 sez he4 ,so there wuz4 ,reprinted by permission of the author4 ,,echo ,,by ,,john ,g4 ,,saxe ,i asked of ,echo1 t'other day 7,whose words are often few and funny71 ,what to a novice she could say ,of courtship1 love1 and matrimony4 ,quoth ,echo plainly1--,matter-o'-money6 ,whom should ,i marry8 ,should it be ,a dashing damsel1 gay and pert1 ,a pattern of inconstancy2 ,or selfish1 mercenary flirt8 ,quoth ,echo1 sharply1--,nary flirt6 ,what if1 aweary of the strife ,that long has lured the dear deceiver1 ,she promise to amend her life1 ,and sin no more2 can ,i believe her8 ,quoth ,echo1 very promptly1--,leave her6 ,but if some maiden with a heart ,on me should venture to bestow it1 ,pray1 should ,i act the wiser part ,to take the treasure or forego it8 ,quoth ,echo1 with decision1--,go it6 ,but what if1 seemingly afraid ,to bind her fate in ,hymen's fetter1 ,she vow she means to die a maid1 ,in answer to my loving letter8 ,quoth ,echo1 rather coolly1--,let her6 ,what if1 in spite of her disdain ,i find my heart entwined about ,with ,cupid's dear delicious chain ,so closely that ,i can't get out8 ,quoth ,echo1 laughingly1--,get out6 ,but if some maid with beauty blest1 ,as pure and fair as ,heaven can make her1 ,will share my labor and my rest ,till envious ,death shall overtake her8 ,quoth ,echo 7sotto voce71--,take her6 ,reprinted by permission of ,houghton1 ,mifflin ,company4 ,,our ,,railroads ,,anonymous ,he stood in the station1 she at his side-- ,she is a fair1 young1 blushing bride4 ,on their honeymoon they're starting now2 ,it always follows the marriage vow4 ,he looks at the flaring railroad maps1 ,at the train of cars and his baggage traps1 ,and whispered3 ,pettie1 how shall we go1-- ,by the ,kankakee or the ,kokomo8 ,these railroad maps confuse the eye1 ,there's the ,c4 ,b4 ,q4 and the ,r4 ,n4 ,y4 ,and this one says your life's at stake ,on any road but the ,sky ,blue ,lake4 ,the ,n4 ,e4 ,r4 ,l4 ,p4 ,q4 ,j4 ,have sleepers on the entire way2 ,but ,i've heard these trains are much more slow ,than the ,kankakee or the ,kokomo4 ,she murmured3 ,sweetie1 ,i've heard pa say ,what a fine old road is the ,p4 ,g4 ,k42 ,but mamma seemed to disagree1 ,and prefers the ,x4 ,s4 ,h4 ,o4 ,p4 ,this chart says1 dearie1 the views are fine ,on the ,texas-,cowboy-,mustang line2 ,but still1 perhaps1 we'd better go ,on the ,kankakee or the ,kokomo4 ,a conductor chanced to pass them by ,and the bridegroom caught his gentle eye2 ,he said3 ,o man1 with the cap of blue1 ,inform me quick1 inform me true1 ,which road is best for a blushing1 pure1 ,young1 timid bride on her wedding tour8 ,and tell us quickly what you know ,of the ,kankakee or the ,kokomo8 ,the conductor's eyes gave a savage gleam2 ,these words rolled out in a limpid stream3 ,there's the ,a4 ,b4 ,j4 ,d4 ,v4 ,r4 ,z4 ,connects with the ,flip-,flap-,biff-,bang-,b1 ,you can change on the ,leg-off-,sueville-,grand1 ,and go through on the ,pan-cake-ace-,full-,hand4 ,that road you named is blocked by snow1 ,the ,kankakee and the ,kokomo4 ,the ,pennsylvania1 ,pittsburg ,through1 ,connects with the ,oshkosh ,kalamazoo1 ,with a smoking car all the afternoon2 ,just the thing for a honeymoon2 ,and the ,central-,scalp-,tooth-,bungville-switch ,goes through a vine-land country rich4 ,of the road you named ,i nothing know1 ,the ,kankakee and the ,kokomo4 ,the bride said3 ,honey1 'tis best1 by far1 ,like the dollar1 we return to pa 7,that's a pun ,i heard while on a train ,on the ,u4 ,r4 ,n4 ,g4 ,jersey main74 ,the conductor smiled2 his eye-teeth showed2 ,he had spoiled the trade of a rival road4 ,he knew in his heart there was no snow ,on the ,kankakee or the ,kokomo4 ,and the bride and groom returned to pa1 ,who heard it all and then said3 ,pshaw6 ,if you found you couldn't go that way1 ,why didn't you go on the ,cross-eyed ,bay8 ,the bridegroom gave a howl of pain2 ,the railroad names had turned his brain4 ,he raves1 insane1 forevermore2 ,in a madhouse1 chained unto the floor1 ,he gibbers3 ,tootsie1 shall we go ,by the ,kankakee or the ,kokomo8 ,,wakin' ,,the ,,young ',,uns 7,the old man from the foot of the stairs--#e a4 m47 ,,by ,,john ,c4 ,,boss ,bee-ull6 ,bee-ull6 ,o ,bee-ull6 my gracious1 ,air you still sleepin'8 ,th' hour-hand's creepin' ,nearder five4 7,wal1 durned ef this 'ere ain't vexatious67 ,don't ye hyar them cattle callin'8 ,an' th' ole red steer a-bawlin'8 ,come1 look alive6 ,git up6 ,git up6 ,mar'ann6 ,mar'ann6 7,jist hyar her snorin'671 ,mar'ann6 it's behoovin' ,thet you be a-moovin'6 ,brisk1 ,i say6 ,hyar the kitchen stove a-roarin'8 ,the kittle's a-spilin' ,ter git hisse'f bilin'4 ,it's comin' day4 ,git up6 ,git up6 ,jule6 ,o ,jule6 ,now whut is ailin'8 ,you want ter rest8 ,wal' ,i'll be blest6 ,s'pose them cows ',ll give down milk 'ithout you pailin'8 ,you mus' be goin crazy2 ,er' more like1 gittin' lazy4 ,come1 now1 rouse4 ,git up6 ,git up6 ,jake1 you lazy varmint6 ,jake6 ,hey ,jake6 ,whut you layin' theer fur8 ,you know the stock's ter keer fur2 ,so1 hop out6 7,thet boy is wusser'n a rock ter wake67 ,don't stop to shiver1 ,but jist unkiver1 ,an' pop out6 ,git up6 ,git up6 ,young 'uns6 ,bee-ull6 ,jake6 ,mar'ann6 ,jule6 7,wal' durn my orn'ry skin6 ,they've gone ter sleep agin1 ,fur all my tellin'67 ,see hyar1 ,i hain't no time ter fool6 ,it's the las' warnin' ,i'll give this mornin'4 ,i'm done yellin'6 ,git up6 ,git up6 ,solus ,wal1 whut's th' odds--an hour1 more or less8 ,b'lieve it makes 'em stronger ,ter sleep a leetle longer ,thar in bed4 ,the time is comin' fas' enough1 ,i guess1 ,when ,i'll wish1 an' wish 'ith weepin' ,they was back up yender sleepin'1 ,overhead1 ,ter git up4 ,,pat',s ,,reason ,,anonymous ,one day ,i observed in a crowded horse-car1 ,a lady was standing4 ,she had ridden quite far1 ,and seemed much disposed to indulge in a frown1 ,as nobody offered to let her sit down4 ,and many there sat who1 to judge by their dress1 ,might a gentleman's natural instincts possess1 ,but who1 judged by their acts1 make us firmly believe ,that appearances often will sadly deceive4 ,there were some most intently devouring the news1 ,and some thro' the windows enjoying the views2 ,and others indulged in a make-believe nap1 ,while the lady still stood holding on by the strap4 ,at last a young ,irishman1 fresh from the sod1 ,arose with a smile and most comical nod1 ,which said quite as plain as in words could be stated ,that the lady should sit in the place he'd vacated4 ,excuse me1 said ,pat1 that ,i caused you to wait ,so long before offerin' to give you a sate1 ,but in troth ,i was only just waitin' to see ,if there wasn't more gintlemin here beside me4 ,,quit ,,your ,,foolin' ,,anonymous ,girls is queer6 ,i used to think ,emmy didn't care for me1 ,for1 whenever ,i would try ,any lovin' arts1 to see ,how she'd take 'em--sweet or sour-- ,always saucy-like says she3 ,quit your foolin'6 ,once a-goin' home from church1 ,jest to find if it would work1 ,round her waist ,i slipt my arm-- ,my6 you'd ought 'o seen her jerk1 ,spunky8 well1 she acted so-- ,and she snapt me up as perk-- ,quit your foolin'6 ,every time 'twas just the same1 ,till one night ,i says1 says ,i-- ,chokin' some ,i must admit1 ,tremblin' some ,i don't deny-- ,emmy1 seein' as ,i don't suit1 ,guess ,i'd better say good-by ,an' quit foolin'4 ,girls is queer6 ,she only laughed-- ,cheeks all dimplin'2 ,john1 says she1 ,foolin' men that never gits ,real in earnest1 ain't for me4 ,wan't that cute8 ,i took the hint1 ,an' a chair1 an' staid1 an' we ,quit our foolin'4 ,,she ,,would ,,be ,a ,,mason ,,by ,,james ,l4 ,,laughton ,the funniest thing ,i ever heard1 ,the funniest thing that ever occurred1 ,is the story of ,mrs4 ,mehitable ,byrde1 ,who wanted to be a ,mason4 ,her husband1 ,tom ,byrde1 a ,mason true-- ,as good a ,mason as any of you2 ,he is tyler of ,lodge ,cerulean ,blue1 ,and tyles and delivers the summons due-- ,and she wanted to be a ,mason1 too1 ,this ridiculous ,mrs4 ,byrde4 ,she followed round1 this inquisitive wife1 ,and nagged him and teased him half out of his life2 ,so to terminate this unhallowed strife1 ,he consented at last to admit her4 ,and first1 to disguise her from bonnet and shoon1 ,this ridiculous lady agreed to put on ,his breech--ah6 forgive me--,i meant pantaloons2 ,and miraculously did they fit her4 ,the lodge was at work on the ,master's degree1 ,the light was ablaze on the letter ,c2 ,high soared the pillars ,j and ,b4 ,the officers sat like ,solomon1 wise2 ,the brimstone burned amid horrible cries2 ,the goat roamed wildly through the room2 ,the candidate begged to let him go home2 ,and the devil himself stood up at the east1 ,as broad as an alderman at a feast1 ,when in came ,mrs4 ,byrde4 ,o horrible sounds6 ,o horrible sight6 ,can it be that ,masons take delight ,in spending thus the hours of night8 ,ah6 could their wives and daughters know ,the unutterable things they say and do1 ,their feminine hearts would burst with wo6 ,but this is not all my story4 ,those ,masons joined in a hideous ring1 ,the candidate howling like everything1 ,and thus in tones of death they sing 7,the candidate's name was ,morey73 ,double1 double1 toil and trouble1 ,fire burn and cauldron bubble2 ,blood to drink and bones to crack1 ,skulls to smash and lives to take1 ,hearts to crush and souls to burn2 ,give old ,morey another turn6 ,the brimstone gleamed in lurid flame1 ,just like a place we will not name2 ,good angels1 that inquiring came ,from blissful courts1 looked on with shame ,and tearful melancholy4 ,again they dance1 but twice as bad1 ,they jump and sing like demons mad2 ,the tune is far from jolly3 ,double1 double1 toil and trouble1 ,fire burn and cauldron bubble2 ,blood to drink and bones to crack1 ,skulls to smash and lives to take1 ,hearts to crush and souls to burn2 ,give old ,morey another turn6 ,trembling with horror stood ,mrs4 ,byrde1 ,unable to speak a single word4 ,she staggered and fell in the nearest chair1 ,on the left of the junior warden there1 ,and scarcely noticed1 so loud the groans1 ,that the chair was made of human bones4 ,of human bones6 ,on grinning skulls ,that ghastly throne of horror rolls2 ,those skulls1 the skulls that ,morgan bore2 ,those bones1 the bones that ,morgan wore4 ,his scalp across the top was flung1 ,his teeth around the arms were strung4 ,never in all romance was known ,such uses made of human bone4 ,there came a pause--a pair of paws ,reached through the floor1 up sliding-doors1 ,and grabbed the unhappy candidate6 ,how can ,i1 without tears1 relate ,the lost and ruined ,morey's fate8 ,she saw him sink in a fiery hole1 ,she heard him scream1 ,my soul6 ,my soul6 ,while roars of fiendish laughter roll1 ,and drown the yells for mercy3 ,double1 double1 toil and trouble1 ,fire burn and cauldron bubble2 ,blood to drink and bones to crack1 ,skulls to smash and lives to take1 ,hearts to crush and souls to burn2 ,give old ,morey another turn6 ,the ridiculous woman could stand no more1 ,she fainted and fell on the checkered floor1 ',midst all the diabolical roar4 ,what then1 you ask me1 did befall ,mehitable ,byrde8 ,why1 nothing at all-- ,she dreamed she had been in a ,mason's hall4 ,,henry ,,the ,,fifth',s ,,wooing ,,by ,,shakespeare ,k4 ,henry4 ,fair ,katharine1 and most fair1 ,will you vouchsafe to teach a soldier terms ,such as will enter at a lady's ear ,and plead his love-suit to her gentle heart8 ,katharine4 ,your majesty shall mock at me2 ,i can not speak your ,england4 ,k4 ,hen4 ,o fair ,katharine1 if you will love me soundly with your ,french heart1 ,i will be glad to hear you confess it brokenly with your ,english tongue4 ,do you like me1 ,kate8 ,kath4 ,pardonnez-moi1 ,i can not tell vat is like me4 ,k4 ,hen4 ,an angel is like you1 ,kate1 and you are like an angel4 ,kath4 ,que dit-il8 que je suis semblable les anges8 ,alice4 ,oui1 vraiment1 sauf votre grace1 ainsi dit-il4 ,k4 ,hen4 ,i said so1 dear ,katharine2 and ,i must not blush to affirm it4 ,kath4 ,o les langues des hommes sont pleines des tromperies4 ,k4 ,hen4 ,what says she1 fair one8 that the tongues of men are full of deceits8 ,alice4 ,oui1 dat de tongues of de mans is be full of deceits3 dat is de princess4 ,k4 ,hen4 ,the princess is the better ,englishwoman4 ,i' faith1 ,kate1 my wooing is fit for thy understanding2 ,i am glad thou canst speak no better ,english2 for1 if thou couldst1 thou wouldst find me such a plain king that thou wouldst think ,i had sold my farm to buy my crown4 ,i know no ways to mince it in love1 but directly to say1 ,i love you3 then if you urge me further than to say1 ,do you in faith8 ,i wear out my suit4 ,give me your answer2 i' faith1 do3 and so clap hands and a bargain3 how say you1 lady8 ,kath4 ,sauf votre honneur1 me understand vell4 ,k4 ,hen4 ,marry1 if you would put me to verses or to dance for your sake1 ,kate1 why you undid me3 for the one ,i have neither words nor measures1 and for the other1 ,i have no strength in measure1 yet a reasonable measure in strength4 ,if ,i could win a lady at leap-frog1 or by vaulting into my saddle with my armor on my back1 under the correction of bragging be it spoken1 ,i should quickly leap into a wife4 ,or if ,i buffet for my love1 or bound my horse for her favors1 ,i could lay on like a butcher and sit like a jackanapes1 never off4 ,but1 ,kate1 ,i can not look greenly nor gasp out my eloquence1 nor ,i have no cunning in protestation3 only downright oaths1 which ,i never use till urged1 nor never break for urging4 ,if thou canst love a fellow of this temper1 ,kate1 whose face is not worth sun-burning1 that never looks in his glass for love of anything he sees there1 let thine eye be thy cook4 ,i speak to thee plain soldier3 if thou canst love me for this1 take me3 if not1 to say to thee that ,i shall die1 is true2 but for thy love1 no2 yet ,i love thee1 too4 ,and while thou livest1 dear ,kate1 take a fellow of plain and uncoined constancy2 for he perforce must do thee right1 because he hath not the gift to woo in other places3 for these fellows of infinite tongue1 that can rhyme themselves into ladies' favors1 they do always reason themselves out again4 ,what6 a speaker is but a prater2 a rhyme is but a ballad4 ,a good leg will fall2 a straight back will stoop2 a black beard will turn white2 a curled pate will grow bald2 a fair face will wither2 a full eye will wax hollow3 but a good heart1 ,kate1 is the sun and the moon2 or rather the sun and not the moon1 for it shines bright and never changes1 but keeps his course truly4 ,if thou would have such a one1 take me2 and take me1 take a soldier2 take a soldier1 take a king4 ,and what sayest thou then to my love8 speak1 my fair1 and fairly1 ,i pray thee4 ,kath4 ,is it possible dat ,i should love de enemy of ,france8 ,k4 ,hen4 ,no2 it is not possible you should love the enemy of ,france1 ,kate3 but1 in loving me1 you should love the friend of ,france2 for ,i love ,france so well that ,i will not part with a village of it2 ,i will have it all mine2 and1 ,kate1 when ,france is mine and ,i am yours1 then yours is ,france and you are mine4 ,kath4 ,i can not tell vat is dat4 ,k4 ,hen4 ,no1 ,kate8 ,i will tell thee in ,french2 which ,i am sure will hang upon my tongue like a new-married wife about her husband's neck1 hardly to be shook off4 ,quand j'ay la possession de ,france1 et quand vous avez la possession de moi1--let me see1 what then8 ,saint ,denis be my speed6--donc votre est ,france et vous tes mienne4 ,it is as easy for me1 ,kate1 to conquer the kingdom as to speak so much more ,french2 ,i shall never move thee in ,french1 unless it be to laugh at me4 ,kath4 ,sauf votre honneur1 le ,franois que vous parlez1 est meilleur que l',anglois lequel je parle4 ,k4 ,hen4 ,no1 faith1 is't not1 ,kate2 but thy speaking of my tongue1 and ,i thine1 most truly-falsely1 must needs be granted to be much at one4 ,but1 ,kate1 dost thou understand thus much ,english1 canst thou love me8 ,kath4 ,i can not tell4 ,k4 ,hen4 ,can any of your neighbors tell ,kate4 ,i'll ask them4 ,come1 ,i know thou lovest me2 and at night1 when you come into your closet1 you'll question this gentlewoman about me2 and ,i know1 ,kate1 you will to her dispraise those parts in me that you love ,with your heart2 but1 good ,kate1 mock me mercifully2 the rather1 gentle princess1 because ,i love thee cruelly4 ,how answer you1 la plus belle ,katharine du monde1 mon trs chre et divine desse8 ,kath4 ,your majestee ave faussee ,french enough to deceive de most sage demoiselle dat is en ,france4 ,k4 ,hen4 ,now1 fie upon my false ,french6 ,by mine honor1 in true ,english1 ,i love thee1 ,kate2 by which honor ,i dare not swear thou lovest me2 yet my blood begins to flatter me that thou dost1 notwithstanding the poor and untempering effect of my visage4 ,i was created with a stubborn outside1 with an aspect of iron1 that1 when ,i come to woo ladies1 ,i fright them4 ,but1 in faith ,kate1 the elder ,i wax1 the better ,i shall appear2 my comfort is1 that old age1 that ill layer up of beauty1 can do no more spoil upon my face3 thou hast me1 if thou hast me1 at the worst2 and thou shalt wear me1 if thou wear me1 better and better3 and therefore1 tell me1 most fair ,katharine1 will you have me8 ,put off your maiden blushes2 avouch the thoughts of your heart with the looks of an empress2 take me by the hand1 and say1 ,harry of ,england1 ,i am thine2 which word thou shalt no sooner bless mine ear withal1 but ,i will tell thee aloud1 ,england is thine1 ,ireland is thine1 ,france is thine1 and ,henry ,plantagenet is thine2 who1 tho ,i speak it before his face1 if he be not fellow with the best king1 thou shalt find the best king of good fellows4 ,come1 your answer in broken music2 for thy voice is music and thy ,english broken2 therefore1 queen of all1 ,katharine1 break thy mind to me in broken ,english2 wilt thou have me8 ,kath4 ,dat is as it sall please de ,roi mon pre4 ,k4 ,hen4 ,nay1 it will please him well1 ,kate2 it shall please him1 ,kate4 ,kath4 ,den it sall also content me4 ,k4 ,hen4 ,upon that ,i kiss your hand1 and ,i call you my queen4 ,kath4 ,laissez1 mon seigneur1 laissez1 laissez4 ,k4 ,hen4 ,then ,i will kiss your lips1 ,kate4 ,kath4 ,il n'est pas la coutume de ,france4 ,k4 ,hen4 ,madam my interpreter1 what says she8 ,alice4 ,dat it is not be de fashion pour les ladies of ,france--,i can not tell vat is baiser en ,anglish4 ,k4 ,hen4 ,to kiss4 ,alice4 ,your majesty entendre bettre que moi4 ,k4 ,hen4 ,it is not the fashion for the maids in ,france to kiss before they are married1 would you say8 ,alice4 ,oui1 vraiment4 ,k4 ,hen4 ,o ,kate1 nice customs curtsy to great kings4 ,dear ,kate1 you and ,i can not be confined within the weak list of a country's fashion3 we are the makers of manners1 ,kate2 and the liberty that follows our places stops the mouth of all find-faults2 as ,i will do yours1 for upholding the nice fashion of your country in denying me a kiss2 therefore1 patiently and yielding4 7,kisses her47 ,you have witchcraft in your lips1 ,kate2 there is more eloquence in a sugar touch of them than in the tongues of the ,french council2 and they should sooner persuade ,harry of ,england than a general petition of monarchs4 ,,scene ,,from ,,the ,,rivals ,,by ,,richard ,,brinsley ,,sheridan ,mrs4 ,m4 ,there1 ,sir ,anthony1 there stands the deliberate simpleton who wants to disgrace her family and lavish herself on a fellow not worth a shilling4 ,lyd4 ,madam1 ,i thought you once---- ,mrs4 ,m4 ,you thought1 miss6 ,i don't know any business you have to think at all4 ,thought does not become a young woman4 ,but the point we would request of you is1 that you will promise to forget this fellow--to illiterate him1 ,i say1 from your memory4 ,lyd4 ,ah1 madam6 our memories are independent of our wills4 ,it is not so easy to forget4 ,mrs4 ,m4 ,but ,i say it is1 miss6 ,there is nothing on earth so easy as to forget1 if a person chooses to set about it4 ,i'm sure ,i have as much forgot your poor1 dear uncle as if he had never existed1 and ,i thought it my duty to do so2 and let me tell you1 ,lydia1 these violent memories don't become a young woman4 ,sir ,a4 ,surely1 the young woman does not pretend to remember what she is ordered to forget6 ,ah1 this comes of her reading4 ,lyd4 ,what crime1 madam1 have ,i committed1 to be treated thus8 ,mrs4 ,m4 ,now don't attempt to extirpate yourself from the matter2 you know ,i have proof controvertible of it4 ,but tell me1 will you promise me to do as you are bid8 ,will you take a husband of your friends' choosing8 ,lyd4 ,madam1 ,i must tell you plainly that1 had ,i no preference for any one else1 the choice you have made would be my aversion4 ,mrs4 ,m4 ,what business have you1 miss1 with preference and aversion8 ,they don't become a young woman2 and you ought to know that1 as both always wear off1 'tis safest1 in matrimony1 to begin with a little aversion4 ,i am sure ,i hated your poor dear uncle before marriage as if he'd been a blackamoor1 and yet1 miss1 you are sensible what a wife ,i made2 and1 when it pleased heaven to release me from him1 'tis unknown what tears ,i shed6 ,sir ,a4 ,he-e-m6 ,mrs4 ,m4 ,but1 suppose we were going to give you another choice1 will you promise us to give up this ,beverley8 ,lyd4 ,could ,i belie my thoughts so far as to give that promise1 my actions would certainly as far belie my words4 ,mrs4 ,m4 ,take yourself to your room6 ,you are fit company for nothing but your own ill humors4 ,lyd4 ,willingly1 ma'am2 ,i can not change for the worse4 ,exit4 ,mrs4 ,m4 ,there's a little intricate hussy for you6 ,sir4 ,a4 ,it is not to be wondered at1 ma'am2 all that is the natural consequence of teaching girls to read4 ,in my way hither1 ,mrs4 ,malaprop1 ,i observed your niece's maid coming forth from a circulating library2 she had a book in each hand--they were half-bound volumes1 with marble covers4 ,from that moment1 ,i guessed how full of duty ,i should see her mistress6 ,mrs4 ,m4 ,those are vile places1 indeed6 ,sir ,a4 ,madam1 a circulating library in a town is as an evergreen tree of diabolical knowledge6 ,it blossoms through the year6 ,and1 depend upon it1 ,mrs4 ,malaprop1 that they who are so fond of handling the leaves1 will long for the fruit at last4 ,mrs4 ,m4 ,fie1 fie1 ,sir ,anthony2 you surely speak laconically4 7,sir ,anthony places a chair for her and another for himself1 bows to her respectfully and waits till she is seated47 ,sir ,a4 ,why1 ,mrs4 ,malaprop1 in moderation1 now1 what would you have a woman know8 ,mrs4 ,m4 ,observe me1 ,sir ,anthony--,i would by no means wish a daughter of mine to be a progeny of learning4 ,i don't think so much learning becomes a young woman4 ,for instance--,i would never let her meddle with ,greek1 or ,hebrew1 or algebra1 or simony1 or ,fluxions1 or paradoxes1 or such inflammatory branches of learning2 nor will it be necessary for her to handle any of your mathematical1 astronomical1 diabolical instruments2 but1 ,sir ,anthony1 ,i would send her1 at nine years old1 to a boarding-school1 in order to learn a little ingenuity and artifice4 ,then1 sir1 she should have a supercilious knowledge in accounts2 and1 as she grew up1 ,i would have her instructed in geometry1 that she might know something of the contagious countries2 above all1 she should be a perfect mistress of orthodoxy--that is1 she should not mispronounce and misspell words as our young women of the present day constantly do4 ,this1 ,sir ,anthony1 is what ,i would have a woman know2 and ,i don't think there is a superstitious article in it4 ,sir ,a4 ,well1 well1 ,mrs4 ,malaprop1 ,i will dispute the point no further with you1 tho ,i must confess that you are a truly moderate and polite arguer1 for almost every third word you say is on my side of the question4 ,but to the more important point in debate--you say you have no objection to my proposal8 ,mrs4 ,m4 ,none1 ,i assure you4 ,i am under no positive engagement with ,mr4 ,acres2 and as ,lydia is so obstinate against him1 perhaps your son may have better success4 ,sir ,a4 ,well1 madam1 ,i will write for the boy directly4 ,he knows not a syllable of this yet1 tho ,i have for some time had the proposal in my head4 ,he is at present with his regiment4 ,mrs4 ,m4 ,we have never seen your son1 ,sir ,anthony2 but ,i hope no objection on his side4 ,sir ,a4 ,objection6 ,let him object1 if he dare6 ,no1 no1 ,mrs4 ,malaprop2 ,jack knows that the least demur puts me in a frenzy directly4 ,my process was always very simple4 ,in his younger days 'twas--,jack1 do this4 ,if he demurred1 ,i knocked him down2 and if he grumbled at that1 ,i always sent him out of the room4 ,mrs4 ,m4 ,ay1 and the properest way1 o' my conscience6 ,nothing is so conciliating to young people as severity4 7,both rise47 ,well1 ,sir ,anthony1 ,i shall give ,mr4 ,acres his discharge1 and prepare ,lydia to receive your son's invocations2 and ,i hope you will represent her to the captain as an object not altogether illegible4 ,sir ,a4 ,madam1 ,i will handle the subject prudently4 ,i must leave you4 ,good morning1 ,mrs4 ,malaprop4 7,both bow profoundly2 ,sir ,anthony steps back as if to go out1 then returns to say37 ,and let me beg you1 ,mrs4 ,malaprop1 to enforce this matter roundly to the girl--take my advice1 keep a tight hand4 ,good-morning1 ,mrs4 ,malaprop4 ,if she rejects this proposal1 clap her under lock and key4 ,good-morning1 ,mrs4 ,malaprop4 ,and if you were just to let the servants forget to bring her dinner for three or four days1 you can't conceive how she'd come about4 ,good-morning1 ,mrs4 ,malaprop4 ,,scenes ,,from ,,rip ,,van ,,winkle ,,as ,,recited ,,by ,,the ,,late ,a4 ,p4 ,,burbank ,,characters3 ,rip ,van ,winkle2 ,derrick ,von ,beekman1 the villain of the play1 who endeavors to get ,rip drunk in order to have him sign away his property to ,von ,beekman2 ,nick ,vedder1 the village innkeeper4 ,,scene ,i3 ,the village inn4 ,von ,beekman1 alone4 ,enter ,rip1 laughing like a child himself1 and shaking off the children4 ,rip 7to the children outside74 ,hey6 ,you let my dog ,schneider alone dere2 you hear dat1 ,sock der ,jacob1 der bist eine fordonner spitspoo--yah----,why1 hullo1 ,derrick6 how you was8 ,did you hear dem liddle fellers just now8 ,dey most plague me crazy4 ,ha1 ha1 ha6 ,i like to laugh my outsides in every time ,i tink about it4 ,just now1 as we was comin' through the willage--,schneider und me--,schneider's my dog2 ,i don't know whether you know him8 ,well1 dem liddle fellers1 dey took ,schneider und--ha1 ha1 ha6--dey--ha1 ha6--dey tied a tin-kettle mit ,schneider's tail6 ,ha1 ha1 ha6 ,my1 how he did run den1 mit the kettle banging about6 ,my1 how scared he was6 ,well1 ,i didn't hi him comin'4 ,he run betwixt me und my legs und spilt me und all dem children in the mud1--yah1 dat's a fact4 ,ha1 ha1 ha6 ,derrick4 ,ah1 yes1 that's all right1 ,rip1 very funny1 very funny2 but what do you say to a glass of liquor1 ,rip8 ,rip4 ,what do ,i generally say to a glass8 ,i generally say it's a fine thing--when dere's plenty in it--und ,i say more to what is in it than to the glass4 ,derrick4 ,certainly1 certainly4 ,say1 hello there6 ,nick ,vedder1 bring out a bottle of your best4 ,rip4 ,dat's right--fill 'em up4 ,you wouldn't believe it1 ,derrick1 dat's the first one ,i've had to-day4 ,i guess1 maybe1 the reason is1 ,i couldn't got it before4 ,ah1 ,derrick1 my score is too big6 ,well1 here is your good health und your family's1 und may dey all live long und prosper6 ,ah1 you may well go ,ah und smack your chops over dat4 ,you don't give me such schnapps when ,i come4 ,where you got dat8 ,nick4 ,that's high ,dutch1 ,rip1--high ,dutch1 and ten years in bottle4 ,rip4 ,well1 come on1 fill 'em up again4 ,git out mit dat vater1 ,nick ,vedder2 ,i don't want no vater in my liquor4 ,good liquor und vater1 ,derrick1 is just like man und wife--dey don't agree well togedder6 ,dat's me und my wife1 anyway4 ,well1 come on again4 ,here is your good health und your family's1 und may dey all live long und prosper6 ,nick4 ,that's right1 ,rip2 drink away1 and drown your sorrows in the flowing bowl4 ,rip4 ,drown my sorrows8 ,yah1 but she won't drown4 ,my wife is my sorrow und you cannick drown her4 ,she tried it once1 but she couldn't do it4 ,didn't you know dat ,gretchen like to get drown8 ,no8 ,dat's the funniest thing of the whole of it4 ,it's the same day ,i got married2 she was comin' across dat ,hudson ,river dere in the ferry-boat to get married mit me4 ,derrick4 ,yes4 ,rip4 ,well1 the boat she was comin' in got upsetted4 ,derrick4 ,ah6 ,rip4 ,well1 but she wasn't in it4 ,nick4 ,oh6 ,rip4 ,no1 dat's what ,i say2 if she had been in the boat what got upsetted1 maybe she might have got drowned4 ,she got left behind somehow or odder4 ,women is always behind dat way--always4 ,derrick4 ,but surely1 ,rip1 you would have risked your life to save her4 ,rip 7incredulously74 ,you mean ,i would yump in und pull ,gretchen out8 ,oh1 would ,i8 ,oh1 you mean den--yes1 ,i believe ,i would den4 ,but it would be a good deal more my duty now as it was den4 ,when a feller gets married a good many years mit his wife1 he gets very much attached to her4 ,but if ,mrs4 ,van ,winkle was a-drownin' in the water now1 und should say to me1 ,rip1 come und save your wife6 ,i would say1 ,mrs4 ,van ,winkle1 ,i will yust go home und tink about it6 ,oh1 no1 ,derrick1 if ever ,gretchen tumbles in the water now1 she's got to swim2 ,i told you dat--ha1 ha1 ha1 ha6 ,hullo6 dat's her a-comin' now2 ,i guess it's better ,i go oud6 ,exit ,rip4 ,,scene ,,ii3 ,rip's home4 ,shortly after his conversation with ,von ,beekman1 ,rip's wife found him carousing and dancing upon the village green with the pretty girls4 ,she drove him away in no very gentle fashion4 ,returning home after nightfall in a decidedly muddled condition1 he puts his head through the open window at the rear1 not observing his irate wife1 who stands in ambush behind the clothes-press1 with her ever-ready broomstick1 to give him a warm reception2 but seeing only his little daughter ,meenie1 of whom he is very fond1 ,rip says3 ,rip4 ,meenie6 ,meenie1 my darlin'6 ,meenie4 ,hush-sh-h4 7,shakes finger to indicate the presence of her mother47 ,rip4 ,eh6 what's the matter8 ,i don't see nothing1 my darlin'4 ,meenie1 is the old wildcat home8 ,oh1 say1 is dot you1 ,gretchen8 ,my darlin'1 my angel1 don't do dat1--let go my head1 won't you8 ,well1 den1 hold on to it so long what you like4 ,for what you do dat1 eh8 ,you must want a bald-headed husband1 ,i reckon4 ,gretchen4 ,who was that you called a wildcat8 ,rip4 ,who was dat ,i call a wildcat8 ,well1 now1 let me see1 who was dat ,i called a wildcat8 ,dat must have been the time ,i came in the window dere1 wasn't it8 ,yes1 ,i know1 it was the same time4 ,well1 now1 let me see4 7,suddenly47 ,it was de dog ,schneider dat ,i call it4 ,gretchen4 ,the dog ,schneider8 ,that's a likely story4 ,rip4 ,of course it is likely1--he's my dog4 ,i'll call him a wildcat much as ,i please4 7,gretchen begins to weep47 ,oh1 well2 dere1 now1 don't you cry1 don't you cry1 ,gretchen2 you hear what ,i said8 ,listen now4 ,if you don't cry1 ,i nefer drink anoder drop of liquor in my life4 ,gretchen4 ,o ,rip1 you have said so so many1 many times1 and you never kept your word yet4 ,rip4 ,well1 ,i say it dis time1 und ,i mean it4 ,gretchen4 ,o ,rip6 if ,i could only trust you4 ,rip4 ,you mustn't suspect me4 ,can't you see repentance in my eye8 ,gretchen4 ,rip1 if you will only keep your word1 ,i shall be the happiest woman in the world4 ,rip4 ,you can believe it4 ,i nefer drink anoder drop so long what ,i live1 if you don't cry4 ,gretchen4 ,o ,rip1 how happy we shall be6 ,and you'll get back all the village1 ,rip1 just as you used to have it2 and you'll fix up our little house so nicely2 and you and ,i1 and our darling little ,meenie here--how happy we shall be6 ,rip4 ,dere1 dere1 now6 you can be just so happy what you like4 ,go in de odder room1 go along mit you2 ,i come in dere pooty quick4 7,exit ,gretchen and ,meenie47 ,my6 ,i swore off from drinking so many1 many times1 und ,i never kept my word yet4 7,taking out bottle47 ,i don't believe dere is more as one good drink in dat bottle1 anyway4 ,it's a pity to waste it6 ,you goin' to drink dat8 ,well1 now1 if you do1 it is de last one1 remember dat1 old feller4 ,well1 here is your good health1 und---- 7,enter ,gretchen1 suddenly1 who snatches the bottle from him47 ,gretchen4 ,oh1 you paltry thief6 ,rip4 ,what you doin'8 ,you'll spill the liquor4 ,gretchen4 ,yes1 ,i will spill it4 ,that's the last drop you drink under my roof6 ,rip4 ,eh6 ,what8 ,gretchen4 ,out1 ,i say6 you drink no more here4 ,rip4 ,why1 ,gretchen1 are you goin' to turn me oud like a dog8 ,well1 maybe you are right4 ,i have got no home4 ,i will go4 ,but mind1 ,gretchen1 after what you say to me to-night1 ,i can nefer darken your door again--nefer2 ,i will go4 ,meenie4 ,not into the storm1 father4 ,hark1 how it thunders6 ,rip4 ,yah1 my child2 but not as bad to me as the storm in my home4 ,i will go4 ,god bless you1 my child6 ,don't you nefer forget your father4 ,gretchen 7relenting74 ,no1 ,rip1--,i---- ,rip4 ,no2 you have driven me from your house4 ,you have opened the door for me to go4 ,you may nefer open it for me to come back4 ,i wipe the disgrace from your door4 ,good-by1 ,gretchen1 good-by6 ,rip exits into the storm4 ,,part ,,iii ,,serious ,,hits ,,if ,,we ,,had ,,the ,,time ,,by ,,richard ,,burton ,if ,i had the time to find a place ,and sit me down full face to face ,with my better self1 that can not show ,in my daily life that rushes so3 ,it might be then ,i would see my soul ,was stumbling toward the shining goal1 ,i might be nerved by the thought sublime1-- ,if ,i had the time6 ,if ,i had the time to let my heart ,speak out and take in my life apart1 ,to look about and to stretch a hand ,to a comrade quartered in no-luck land2 ,ah1 ,god6 ,if ,i might but just sit still ,and hear the note of the whippoorwill1 ,i think that my wish with ,god's would rhyme1-- ,if ,i had the time6 ,if ,i had the time to learn from you ,how much comfort my word could do2 ,and ,i told you then of my sudden will ,to kiss your feet when ,i did you ill2 ,if the tears aback of the coldness feigned ,could flow1 and the wrong be quite explained1-- ,brothers1 the souls of us all would chime1 ,if we had the time6 ,by permission of the author and of the publishers1 ,lothrop1 ,lee ,shepard ,company1 ,boston4 ,,the ,,fool',s ,,prayer ,,by ,,edward ,,rowland ,,sill ,the royal feast was done2 the king ,sought some new sport to banish care1 ,and to his jester cried3 ,sir ,fool1 ,kneel now1 and make for us a prayer6 ,the jester doffed his cap and bells1 ,and stood the mocking court before3 ,they could not see the bitter smile ,behind the patient grin he wore4 ,he bowed his head1 and bent his knee ,upon the monarch's silken stool2 ,his pleading voice arose1 ,o ,lord1 ,be merciful to me1 a fool6 ,no pity1 ,lord1 could change the heart ,from red with wrong to white as wool2 ,the rod must heal the sin2 but1 ,lord1 ,be merciful to me1 a fool6 ',tis not by guilt the onward sweep ,of truth and right1 ,o ,lord1 we stay2 ',tis by our follies that so long ,we hold the earth from heaven away4 ,these clumsy feet still in the mire1 ,go crushing blossoms without end2 ,these hard1 well-meaning hands we thrust ,among the heartstrings of a friend4 ,the ill-timed truth we might have kept1-- ,who knows how sharp it pierced and stung8 ,the word we had not sense to say1-- ,who knows how grandly it had rung8 ,our faults no tenderness should ask1 ,the chastening stripe must cleanse them all2 ,but for our blunders1--oh1 in shame ,before the eyes of heaven we fall4 ,earth bears no balsam for mistakes2 ,men crown the knave1 and scourge the tool ,that did his will2 but ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 ,be merciful to me1 a fool6 ,the room was hushed2 in silence rose ,the king1 and sought his garden cool1 ,and walked apart1 and murmured low3 ,be merciful to me1 a fool6 ,,the ,,eve ,,of ,,waterloo ,,by ,,lord ,,byron ,there was a sound of revelry by night1 ,and ,belgium's capital had gathered then ,her beauty and her chivalry1 and bright ,the lamps shone o'er fair women and brave men2 ,a thousand hearts beat happily2 and when ,music arose with its voluptuous swell1 ,soft eyes looked love to eyes which spake again1 ,and all went merry as a marriage-bell2-- ,but hush6 hark6 a deep sound strikes like a rising knell6 ,did ye not hear it8--,no2 'twas but the wind1 ,or a car rattling o'er the stony street2 ,on with the dance6 let joy be unconfined2 ,no sleep till morn1 when youth and pleasure meet ,to chase the glowing hours with flying feet-- ,but hark6--that heavy sound breaks in once more1 ,as if the clouds its echo would repeat2 ,and nearer1 clearer1 deadlier than before6 ,arm6 arm6 it is--it is the cannon's opening roar6 99 99 99 99 99 ,ah6 then and there was hurrying to and fro1 ,and gathering tears1 and tremblings of distress1 ,and cheeks all pale1 which but an hour ago ,blushed at the praise of their own loveliness2 ,and there were sudden partings1 such as press ,the life from out young hearts1 and choking sighs ,which ne'er might be repeated3 who could guess ,if ever more should meet those mutual eyes1 ,since upon night so sweet such awful morn could rise8 ,and there was mounting in hot haste3 the steed1 ,the mustering squadron1 and the clattering car1 ,went pouring forward with impetuous speed1 ,and swiftly forming in the ranks of war2 ,and the deep thunder peal on peal afar1 ,and near1 the beat of the alarming drum ,roused up the soldier ere the morning star2 ,while thronged the citizens with terror dumb1 ,or whispering1 with white lips1 ,the foe6 ,they come6 they come6 ,and ,ardennes waves above them her green leaves1 ,dewy with ,nature's tear-drops1 as they pass1 ,grieving1 if aught inanimate e'er grieves1 ,over the unreturning brave1--alas6 ,ere evening to be trodden like the grass1 ,which now beneath them1 but above shall grow ,in its next verdure1 when this fiery mass ,of living valor1 rolling on the foe ,and burning with high hope1 shall molder cold and low4 ,last noon beheld them full of lusty life1 ,last eve in ,beauty's circle proudly gay1 ,the midnight brought the signal-sound of strife1 ,the morn1 the marshaling in arms1--the day1 ,battle's magnificently stern array6 ,the thunder-clouds close o'er it1 which when rent1 ,the earth is covered thick with other clay1 ,which her own clay shall cover1 heaped and pent1 ,rider and horse1 friend1 foe1 in one red burial blent4 ,,the ,,wreck ,,of ,,the ,,julie ,,plante ,,by ,,william ,,henry ,,drummond ,on wan dark night on ,lac ,st4 ,pierre1 ,de win' she blow1 blow1 blow1 ,an' de crew of de wood scow ,julie ,plante ,got scar't an' run below-- ,for de win' she blow lak hurricane2 ,bimeby she blow some more1 ,an' de scow bus' up on ,lac ,st4 ,pierre ,wan arpent from de shore4 ,de captinne walk on de fronte deck1 ,an' walk de hin' deck1 too-- ,he call de crew from up de hole2 ,he call de cook also4 ,de cook she's name was ,rosie1 ,she come from ,montreal1 ,was chambre maid on lumber barge1 ,on de ,grande ,lachine ,canal4 ,de win' she blow from nor'--eas'--wes'1 ,de sout' win' she blow1 too1 ,w'en ,rosie cry1 ,mon cher captinne1 ,mon cher1 w'at shall ,i do8 ,den de captinne t'row de big ankerre1 ,but still the scow she dreef1 ,de crew he can't pass on de shore1 ,becos' he los' hees skeef4 ,de night was dark lak wan black cat1 ,de wave run high an' fas'1 ,w'en de captinne tak de ,rosie girl ,an' tie her to de mas'4 ,den he also tak de life preserve ,an' jump off on de lak' ,an' say1 ,good-by1 ma ,rosie1 dear1 ,i go drown for your sak4 ,nex' morning very early ',bout ha'f-pas' two--t'ree--four-- ,de captinne--scow--an' de poor ,rosie ,was corpses on de shore4 ,for de win' she blow lak hurricane2 ,bimeby she blow some more1 ,an' de scow bus' up on ,lac ,st4 ,pierre ,wan arpent from de shore4 ,now1 all good wood scow sailor man ,tak' warning by dat storm ,an' go an' marry some nice ,french girl ,an' leev on wan beeg farm4 ,de win' can blow lak' hurricane ,an s'pose she blow some more1 ,you can't get drown on ,lac ,st4 ,pierre ,so long you stay on shore4 ,from ,the ,habitant1 by permission of the publishers1 ,g4 ,p4 ,putnam's ,sons1 ,new ,york and ,london4 ,,father',s ,,way ,,by ,,eugene ,,field ,my father was no pessimist2 he loved the things of earth1-- ,its cheerfulness and sunshine1 its music and its mirth4 ,he never sighed or moped around whenever things went wrong1-- ,i warrant me he'd mocked at fate with some defiant song2 ,but1 being he warn't much on tune1 when times looked sort o' blue1 ,he'd whistle softly to himself this only tune he knew1-- ,music ,now mother1 when she heard that tune which father whistled so1 ,would say1 ,there's something wrong to-day with ,ephraim1 ,i know2 ,he never tries to make believe he's happy that 'ere way ,but that ,i'm certain as can be there's somethin' wrong to pay4 ,and so betimes1 quite natural-like1 to us observant youth ,there seemed suggestion in that tune of deep1 pathetic truth4 ,when ,brother ,william joined the war1 a lot of us went down ,to see the gallant soldier boys right gayly out of town4 ,a-comin' home1 poor mother cried as if her heart would break1 ,and all us children1 too1--for hers1 and not for ,william's sake6 ,but father1 trudgin' on ahead1 his hands behind him so1 ,kept whistlin' to himself1 so sort of solemn-like and low4 ,and when my oldest sister1 ,sue1 was married and went ,west1 ,seemed like it took the tuck right out of mother and the rest4 ,she was the sunlight in our home1--why1 father used to say ,it wouldn't seem like home at all if ,sue should go away2 ,but when she went1 a-leavin' us all sorrer and all tears1 ,poor father whistled lonesome-like--and went to feed the steers4 ,when crops were bad1 and other ills befell our homely lot1 ,he'd set of nights and try to act as if he minded not2 ,and when came death and bore away the one he worshiped so1 ,how vainly did his lips belie the heart benumbed with wo6 ,you see the telltale whistle told a mood he'd not admit1-- ,he'd always stopt his whistlin' when he thought we noticed it4 ,i'd like to see that stooping form and hoary head again1-- ,to see the honest1 hearty smile that cheered his fellow men4 ,oh1 could ,i kiss the kindly lips that spake no creature wrong1 ,and share the rapture of the heart that overflowed with song6 ,oh1 could ,i hear the little tune he whistled long ago1 ,when he did battle with the griefs he would not have us know6 ,i ,,am ,,content ,,translated ,,by ,,carmen ,,sylva ,a spindle of hazelwood had ,i2 ,into the mill-stream it fell one day-- ,the water has brought it me back no more4 ,as he lay a-dying1 the soldier spake3 ,i am content6 ,let my mother be told in the village there1 ,and my bride in the hut be told1 ,that they must pray with folded hands1 ,with folded hands for me4 ,the soldier is dead--and with folded hands1 ,his bride and his mother pray4 ,on the field of battle they dug his grave1 ,and red with his life-blood the earth was dyed1 ,the earth they laid him in4 ,the sun looked down on him there and spake3 ,i am content4 ,and flowers bloomed thickly upon his grave1 ,and were glad they blossomed there4 ,and when the wind in the tree-tops roared1 ,the soldier asked from the deep1 dark grave3 ,did the banner flutter then8 ,not so1 my hero1 the wind replied1 ,the fight is done1 but the banner won1 ,thy comrades of old have borne it hence1 ,have borne it in triumph hence4 ,then the soldier spake from the deep1 dark grave3 ,i am content4 ,and again he hears the shepherds pass1 ,and the flocks go wand'ring by1 ,and the soldier asked3 ,is the sound ,i hear1 ,the sound of the battle's roar8 ,and they replied3 ,my hero1 nay6 ,thou art dead and the fight is o'er1 ,our country joyful and free4 ,then the soldier spake from the deep1 dark grave3 ,i am content4 ,then he heareth the lovers1 laughing1 pass1 ,and the soldier asks once more3 ,are these not the voices of them that love1 ,that love--and remember me8 ,not so1 my hero1 the lovers say1 ,we are those that remember not2 ,for the spring has come and the earth has smiled1 ,and the dead must be forgot4 ,then the soldier spake from the deep1 dark grave3 ,i am content4 ,a spindle of hazelwood had ,i2 ,into the mill-stream it fell one day-- ,the water has brought it me back no more4 ,,the ,,eagle',s ,,song ,,by ,,richard ,,mansfield ,the lioness whelped1 and the sturdy cub ,was seized by an eagle and carried up ,and homed for a while in an eagle's nest1 ,and slept for a while on an eagle's breast1 ,and the eagle taught it the eagle's song3 ,to be staunch and valiant and free and strong6 ,the lion whelp sprang from the eerie nest1 ,from the lofty crag where the queen birds rest2 ,he fought the king on the spreading plain1 ,and drove him back o'er the foaming main4 ,he held the land as a thrifty chief1 ,and reared his cattle and reaped his sheaf1 ,nor sought the help of a foreign hand1 ,yet welcomed all to his own free land6 ,two were the sons that the country bore ,to the ,northern lakes and the ,southern shore1 ,and ,chivalry dwelt with the ,southern son1 ,and ,industry lived with the ,northern one4 ,tears for the time when they broke and fought6 ,tears was the price of the union wrought6 ,and the land was red in a sea of blood1 ,where brother for brother had swelled the flood6 ,and now that the two are one again1 ,behold on their shield the word ,refrain6 ,and the lion cubs twain sing the eagle's song1 ,to be staunch and valiant and free and strong6 ,for the eagle's beak and the lion's paw1 ,and the lion's fangs and the eagle's claw1 ,and the eagle's swoop and the lion's might1 ,and the lion's leap and the eagle's sight1 ,shall guard the flag with the word ,refrain6 ,now that the two are one again6 ,here's to a cheer for the ,yankee ships6 ,and ,well done1 ,sam1 from the mother's lips6 ,,break1 ,,break1 ,,break ,,by ,,alfred1 ,,lord ,,tennyson ,break1 break1 break1 ,on thy cold gray stones1 ,o sea6 ,and ,i would that my tongue could utter ,the thoughts that arise in me4 ,o well for the fisherman's boy1 ,that he shouts with his sister at play6 ,o well for the sailor lad1 ,that he sings in his boat on the bay6 ,and the stately ships go on ,to their haven under the hill2 ,but ,o for the touch of a vanish'd hand1 ,and the sound of a voice that is still6 ,break1 break1 break1 ,at the foot of thy crags1 ,o sea6 ,but the tender grace of a day that is dead ,will never come back to me4 ,,virginius ,,by ,,macaulay ,straightway ,virginius led the maid a little space aside1 ,to where the reeking shambles stood1 piled up with horn and hide4 ,hard by1 a butcher on a block had laid his whittle down1-- ,virginius caught the whittle up1 and hid it in his gown4 ,and then his eyes grew very dim1 and his throat began to swell1 ,and in a hoarse1 changed voice he spake1 ,farewell1 sweet child1 farewell6 ,the house that was the happiest within the ,roman walls1-- ,the house that envied not the wealth of ,capua's marble halls1 ,now1 for the brightness of thy smile1 must have eternal gloom1 ,and for the music of thy voice1 the silence of the tomb4 ,the time is come4 ,the tyrant points his eager hand this way2 ,see how his eyes gloat on thy grief1 like a kite's upon the prey2 ,with all his wit he little deems that spurned1 betrayed1 bereft1 ,thy father hath1 in his despair1 one fearful refuge left3 ,he little deems that1 in my hand1 ,i clutch what still can save ,thy gentle youth from taunts and blows1 the portion of the slave2 ,yea1 and from nameless evil1 that passeth taunt and blow1-- ,foul outrage1 which thou knowest not1--which thou shalt never know4 ,then clasp me round the neck once more1 and give me one more kiss2 ,and now1 mine own dear little girl1 there is no way but this6 ,with that he lifted high the steel1 and smote her in the side1 ,and in her blood she sank to earth1 and with one sob she died4 ,then1 for a little moment1 all the people held their breath2 ,and through the crowded forum was stillness as of death2 ,and in another moment broke forth from one and all ,a cry as if the ,volscians were coming o'er the wall2 ,till1 with white lips and bloodshot eyes1 ,virginius tottered nigh1 ,and stood before the judgment seat1 and held the knife on high3 ,o dwellers in the nether gloom1 avengers of the slain1 ,by this dear blood ,i cry to you1 do right between us twain2 ,and e'en as ,appius ,claudius has dealt by me and mine1 ,deal you by ,appius ,claudius and all the ,claudian line6 ,so spake the slayer of his child2 then where the body lay1 ,pausing1 he cast one haggard glance1 and turned and went his way4 ,then up sprang ,appius ,claudius3 ,stop him1 alive or dead6 ,ten pounds of copper to the man who brings his head6 ,he looked upon his clients1 but none would work his will2 ,he looked upon his lictors1 but they trembled and stood still4 ,and as ,virginius through the press his way in silence cleft1 ,ever the mighty multitude fell back to right and left2 ,and he hath passed in safety unto his woful home1 ,and there ta'en horse1 to tell the camp what deeds are done in ,rome4 ,,the ,,women ,,of ,,mumbles ,,head ,,by ,,clement ,,scott ,bring1 novelist1 your note-book6 bring1 dramatist1 your pen6 ,and ,i'll tell you a simple story of what women do for men4 ,it's only a tale of a life-boat1 of the dying and the dead1 ,of the terrible storm and shipwreck that happened off ,mumbles ,head6 ,maybe you have traveled in ,wales1 sir1 and know it north and south2 ,maybe you are friends with the natives that dwell at ,oyster-mouth2 ,it happens1 no doubt1 that from ,bristol you've crossed in a casual way1 ,and have sailed your yacht in the summer in the blue of ,swansea ,bay4 ,well6 it isn't like that in the winter1 when the lighthouse stands alone1 ,in the teeth of ,atlantic breakers that foam on its face of stone2 ,it wasn't like that when the hurricane blew1 and the storm-bell tolled1 or when ,there was news of a wreck1 and the lifeboat launched1 and a desperate cry for men4 ,when in the world did the coxswain shirk8 a brave old salt was he6 ,proud to the bone of as four strong lads as ever had tasted the sea1 ,welshmen all to the lungs and loins1 who1 about that coast1 'twas said1 ,had saved some hundred lives apiece--at a shilling or so a head6 ,so the father launched the life-boat1 in the teeth of the tempest's roar1 ,and he stood like a man at the rudder1 with an eye on his boys at the oar4 ,out to the wreck went the father6 out to the wreck went the sons6 ,leaving the weeping women1 and booming of signal guns2 ,leaving the mother who loved them1 and the girls that the sailors love2 ,going to death for duty1 and trusting to ,god above6 ,do you murmur a prayer1 my brothers1 when cozy and safe in bed1 ,for men like these1 who are ready to die for a wreck off ,mumbles ,head8 ,it didn't go well with the life-boat6 'twas a terrible storm that blew6 ,and it snapped the rope in a second that was flung to the drowning crew2 ,and then the anchor parted--'twas a tussle to keep afloat6 ,but the father stuck to the rudder1 and the boys to the brave old boat4 ,then at last on the poor doomed life-boat a wave broke mountains high6 ,god help us now6 said the father4 ,it's over1 my lads6 ,good-by6 ,half of the crew swam shoreward1 half to the sheltered caves1 ,but the father and sons were fighting death in the foam of the angry waves4 ,up at the lighthouse window two women beheld the storm1 ,and saw in the boiling breakers a figure1--a fighting form2 ,it might be a gray-haired father1 then the women held their breath2 ,it might be a fair-haired brother1 who was having a round with death2 ,it might be a lover1 a husband1 whose kisses were on the lips ,of the women whose love is the life of men going down to the sea in ships4 ,they had seen the launch of the life-boat1 they had seen the worst1 and more1 ,then1 kissing each other1 these women went down from the lighthouse1 straight to shore4 ,there by the rocks on the breakers these sisters1 hand in hand1 ,beheld once more that desperate man who struggled to reach the land4 ',twas only aid he wanted to help him across the wave1 ,but what are a couple of women with only a man to save8 ,what are a couple of women8 well1 more than three craven men ,who stood by the shore with chattering teeth1 refusing to stir-- and then ,off went the women's shawls1 sir2 in a second they're torn and rent1 ,then knotting them into a rope of love1 straight into the sea they went6 ,come back6 cried the lighthouse-keeper4 ,for ,god's sake1 girls1 come back6 ,as they caught the waves on their foreheads1 resisting the fierce attack4 ,come back6 moaned the gray-haired mother1 as she stood by the angry sea1 ,if the waves take you1 my darlings1 there's nobody left to me6 ,come back6 said the three strong soldiers1 who still stood faint and pale1 ,you will drown if you face the breakers6 you will fall if you brave the gale6 ,come back8 said the girls1 we will not6 go tell it to all the town4 ,we'll lose our lives1 ,god willing1 before that man shall drown6 ,give one more knot to the shawls1 ,bess6 give one strong clutch of your hand6 ,just follow me1 brave1 to the shingle1 and we'll bring him safe to land6 ,wait for the next wave1 darling6 only a minute more1 ,and ,i'll have him safe in my arms1 dear1 and we'll drag him to the shore4 ,up to the arms in the water1 fighting it breast to breast1 ,they caught and saved a brother alive4 ,god bless them6 you know the rest-- ,well1 many a heart beat stronger1 and many a tear was shed1 ,and many a glass was tossed right off to ,the ,women of ,mumbles ,head6 ,,william ,,tell ,,and ,,his ,,boy ,,by ,,william ,,baine ,place there the boy1 the tyrant said2 ,fix me the apple on his head4 ,ha6 rebel1 now6 ,there's a fair mark for your shaft2 ,to yonder shining apple waft ,an arrow4 ,and the tyrant laughed4 ,with quivering brow4 ,bold ,tell looked there2 his cheek turned pale2 ,his proud lips throbbed as if would fail ,their quivering breath4 ,ha6 doth he blanch8 fierce ,gesler cried1 ,i've conquered1 slave1 thy soul of pride4 ,no voice to that stern taunt replied1 ,all mute as death4 ,and what the meed8 at length ,tell asked4 ,bold fool1 when slaves like thee are tasked1 ,it is my will4 ,but that thine eye may keener be1 ,and nerved to such nice archery1 ,if thou cleav'st yon1 thou goest free4 ,what6 pause you still8 ,give him a bow and arrow there ,one shaft--but one4 ,gleams of despair ,rush for a moment o'er the ,switzer's face3 ,then passed away each stormy trace1 ,and high resolve came in their place1 ,unmoved1 yet flushed1 ,i take thy terms1 he muttered low1 ,grasped eagerly the proffered bow-- ,the quiver searched1 ,sought out an arrow keen and long1 ,fit for a sinewy arm1 and strong1 ,and placed it on the sounding thong ,the tough yew arched4 ,he drew the bow1 whilst all around ,that thronging crowd there was no sound1 ,no step1 no word1 no breath4 ,all gazed with an unerring eye1 ,to see the fearful arrow fly2 ,the light wind dies into a sigh1 ,and scarcely stirred4 ,afar the boy stood1 firm and mute2 ,he saw the strong bow curved to shoot1 ,but never moved4 ,he knew the daring coolness of that hand ,he knew it was a father scanned ,the boy he loved4 ,the ,switzer gazed--the arrow hung ,my only boy6 sobbed on his tongue2 ,he could not shoot4 ,ha6 cried the tyrant1 doth he quail8 ,mark how his haughty brow grows pale6 ,but a deep voice rung on the gale-- ,shoot in ,god's name6 ,again the drooping shaft he took1 ,and turned to ,heaven one burning look1 ,of all doubts reft4 ,be firm1 my boy6 was all he said4 ,the apple's left the stripling's head4 ,ha6 ,ha6 'tis cleft6 ,and so it was1 and ,tell was free4 ,quick the brave boy was at his knee ,with rosy cheek4 ,his loving arms his boy embrace2 ,but again that tyrant cried in haste1 ,an arrow in thy belt is placed2 ,what means it8 ,speak2 ,the ,switzer raised his clenched hand high1 ,whilst lightning flashed across his eye ,incessantly4 ,to smite thee1 tyrant1 to the heart1 ,had ,heaven willed it that my dart ,had touched my boy4 ,rebellion6 ,treason6 chain the slave6 ,a hundred swords around him wave1 ,whilst hate to ,gesler's features gave ,infuriate joy4 ,but that one arrow found its goal ,hid with revenge in ,gesler's soul2 ,and ,lucerne's lake ,heard his dastard soul outmoan ,when ,freedom's call abroad was blown1 ,and ,switzerland1 a giant grown1 ,her fetters brake4 ,from hill to hill the mandate flew1 ,from lake to lake the tempest grew1 ,with wakening swell1 ,till proud oppression crouched for shame1 ,and ,austria's haughtiness grew tame ,and ,freedom's watchword was the name of ,william ,tell4 ,,lasca ,,by ,f4 ,,desprez ,i want free life and ,i want fresh air2 ,and ,i sigh for the canter after the cattle1 ,the crack of the whips like shots in battle1 ,the mellay of horns1 and hoofs1 and heads ,that wars1 and wrangles1 and scatters1 and spreads2 ,the green beneath and the blue above1 ,and dash and danger and life and love4 ,and ,lasca6 ,lasca used to ride ,on a mouse-gray mustang1 close to my side1 ,with blue serape and bright-belled spur2 ,i laughed with joy as ,i looked at her6 ,little knew she of books or creeds2 ,an ,ave ,maria sufficed her needs2 ,little she cared1 save to be by my side1 ,to ride with me1 and ever to ride1 ,from ,san ,saba's shore to ,lavaca's tide4 ,she was as bold as the billows that beat1 ,she was as wild as the breezes that blow2 ,from her little head to her little feet ,she was swayed1 in her suppleness1 to and fro ,by each gust of passion2 a sapling pine1 ,that grows on the edge of a ,kansas bluff1 ,and wars with the wind when the weather is rough1 ,is like this ,lasca1 this love of mine4 ,she would hunger that ,i might eat1 ,would take the bitter and leave me the sweet2 ,but once1 when ,i made her jealous for fun1 ,at something ,i'd whispered1 or looked1 or done1 ,one ,sunday1 in ,san ,antonio1 ,to a glorious girl on the ,alamo1 ,she drew from her garter a dear little dagger1 ,and--sting of a wasp6--it made me stagger6 ,an inch to the left or an inch to the right1 ,and ,i shouldn't be maundering here to-night2 ,but she sobbed1 and1 sobbing1 so swiftly bound ,her torn reboso about the wound ,that ,i quite forgave her4 ,scratches don't count ,in ,texas1 down by the ,rio ,grande4 ,her eye was brown1--a deep1 deep brown2 ,her hair was darker than her eye2 ,and something in her smile and frown1 ,curled crimson lip1 and instep high1 ,showed that there ran in each blue vein1 ,mixed with the milder ,aztec strain1 ,the vigorous vintage of old ,spain4 ,the air was heavy1 the night was hot1 ,i sat by her side1 and forgot--forgot2 ,forgot the herd that were taking their rest2 ,forgot that the air was close opprest1 ,that the ,texas norther comes sudden and soon1 ,in the dead of night or the blaze of noon2 ,that once let the herd at its breath take fright1 ,that nothing on earth can stop the flight2 ,and wo to the rider1 and wo to the steed1 ,who falls in front of their mad stampede6 ,was that thunder8 ,no1 by the ,lord6 ,i spring to my saddle without a word4 ,one foot on mine1 and she clung behind4 ,away6 on a hot chase down the wind6 ,but never was fox-hunt half so hard1 ,and never was steed so little spared4 ,for we rode for our lives4 ,you shall hear how we fared ,in ,texas1 down by the ,rio ,grande4 ,the mustang flew1 and we urged him on2 ,there was one chance left1 and you have but one-- ,halt1 jump to the ground1 and shoot your horse2 ,crouch under his carcass1 and take your chance2 ,and if the steers1 in their frantic course1 ,don't batter you both to pieces at once1 ,you may thank your star2 if not1 good-by ,to the quickening kiss and the long-drawn sigh1 ,and the open air and the open sky1 ,in ,texas1 down by the ,rio ,grande4 ,the cattle gained on just as ,i felt ,for my old six-shooter1 behind in my belt1 ,down came the mustang1 and down came we1 ,clinging together1 and--what was the rest8 ,a body that spread itself on my breast1 ,two arms that shielded my dizzy head1 ,two lips that hard on my lips were prest2 ,then came thunder in my ears ,as over us surged the sea of steers1 ,blows that beat blood into my eyes1 ,and when ,i could rise ,lasca was dead6 ,i gouged out a grave a few feet deep1 ,and there in earth's arms ,i laid her to sleep2 ,and there she is lying1 and no one knows1 ,and the summer shines and the winter snows2 ,for many a day the flowers have spread ,a pall of petals over her head2 ,and the little gray hawk that hangs aloft in the air2 ,and the sly coyote trots here and there1 ,and the black snake glides1 and glitters1 and slides ,into the rift in a cotton-wood tree2 ,and the buzzard sails on1 ,and comes and is gone1 ,stately and still like a ship at sea2 ,and ,i wonder why ,i do not care ,for the things that are like the things that were4 ,does half my heart lie buried there ,in ,texas1 down by the ,rio ,grande8 ,,the ,,volunteer ,,organist ,,by ,s4 ,w4 ,,foss ,the gret big church wuz crowded full uv broadcloth an' uv silk1 ,an' satins rich as cream thet grows on our ol' brindle's milk2 ,shined boots1 biled shirts1 stiff dickeys an' stovepipe hats were there1 ,an' doods 'ith trouserloons so tight they couldn't kneel down in prayer4 ,the elder in his poolpit high1 said1 as he slowly riz3 ,our organist is kep' to hum1 laid up 'ith roomatiz1 ,an' as we hev no substitoot1 as ,brother ,moore aint here1 ,will some 'un in the congregation be so kind's to volunteer8 ,an' then a red-nosed1 drunken tramp1 of low-toned1 rowdy style1 ,give an interductory hiccup1 an' then staggered up the aisle4 ,then through thet holy atmosphere there crep' a sense er sin1 ,an' through thet air of sanctity the odor uv old gin4 ,then ,deacon ,purington he yelled1 his teeth all set on edge3 ,this man profanes the house of ,god6 ,w'y this is sacrilege6 ,the tramp didn't hear a word he said1 but slouched 'ith stumblin' feet1 ,an' sprawled an' staggered up the steps1 an' gained the organ seat4 ,he then went pawin' through the keys1 an' soon there rose a strain ,thet seemed to jest bulge out the heart an' 'lectrify the brain2 ,an' then he slapped down on the thing 'ith hands an' head an' knees1 ,he slam-dashed his hull body down kerflop upon the keys4 ,the organ roared1 the music flood went sweepin' high an' dry2 ,it swelled into the rafters an' bulged out into the sky1 ,the ol' church shook an' staggered an' seemed to reel an' sway1 ,an' the elder shouted ,glory6 an' ,i yelled out ,hooray6 ,an then he tried a tender strain thet melted in our ears1 ,thet brought up blessed memories and drenched 'em down 'ith tears2 ,an' we dreamed uv ol' time kitchens 'ith ,tabby on the mat1 ,uv home an' luv an' baby-days an' mother an' all that6 ,an' then he struck a streak uv hope--a song from souls forgiven-- ,thet burst from prison-bars uv sin an' stormed the gates uv heaven2 ,the morning stars they sung together--no soul wuz left alone-- ,we felt the universe wuz safe an' ,god wuz on ,his throne6 ,an' then a wail uv deep despair an' darkness come again1 ,an' long1 black crape hung on the doors uv all the homes uv men2 ,no luv1 no light1 no joy1 no hope1 no songs of glad delight1 ,an' then--the tramp1 he staggered down an' reeled into the night6 ,but we knew he'd tol' his story1 tho he never spoke a word1 ,an' it was the saddest story thet our ears had ever heard2 ,he hed tol' his own life history an' no eye was dry the day1 ,w'en the elder rose an' simply said3 ,my brethren1 let us pray4 ,by permission of ,the ,blade1 ,toledo1 ,ohio4 ,,life ,,compared ,,to ,a ,,game ,,of ,,cards ,,anonymous ,life is like a game of cards ,which each one has to learn4 ,each shuffles1 cuts and deals a pack1 ,and each a trump does turn4 ,some turn a high card at the top1 ,while others turn a low4 ,some hold a hand quite flushed with trumps1 ,while others none can show4 ,when hearts are trumps we play for love ,and pleasure decks the hour4 ,no thought of danger ever comes ,in roses' lovely bower4 ,when diamonds chance to turn the pack ',tis then men play for gold1 ,and heavy sums are won and lost ,by gamblers young and old4 ,when clubs are trumps beware of war ,on ocean and on land1 ,for fearful things have come to pass ,when clubs were in the hand4 ,but last of all is when the spade is turned by the hand of time1 ,and finishes up the game in every land and clime2 ,no matter how much a man may make or how much a man may save1 ,you'll find the spade turns up at last to dig each player's grave4 ,,old ,,daddy ,,turner ,,anonymous ,this was the picture in front of ,old ,daddy ,turner's cabin in the ,kaintuck quarter the other afternoon3 ,two colored men sitting on a wash-bench1 silent and sorrowful2 an old dog1 sleeping in the sun at their feet1 and a colored woman calling to a boy who was on the fence3 ,now1 ,jeems ,henry1 you git right down from dat6 ,doan you know day ,daddy ,turner am jist on de p'int of dyin' and gwine up to hebben8 ,here was the picture inside3 ,the poor old1 white-headed man lying on his dying bed1 flesh wasted away and strength departed4 ,near him sat his faithful old wife1 rocking to and fro and moaning and grieving4 ,farther away was a colored man and woman1 solemn-faced and sad-hearted1 shaking their heads as they cast glances toward the bed4 ,for a long time the old man lay quiet and speechless1 but at length he signed to be propped up4 ,a sun as warm as springtime poured into the room4 ,he took notice of it1 and a change came to his face as his eyes rested upon his grieving wife4 ,ize bin gwine back in my mind6 he whispered1 as he reached out his thin hand for her to clasp4 ,fur ober fo'ty y'ars we's trabbled 'long the same path4 ,we sung de same songs--we prayed de same prayers--we had hold of han's when we 'listed in de ,gospel ranks an' sot our faces to'rds de golden gates of hebben4 ,ole woman1 ,ize gwine to part wid you6 ,yes1 ,ize gwine ter leave yer all alone6 ,o ,daddy6 ,daddy6 she wailed as she leaned over him4 ,doan't take on so1 chile6 ,it's de ,lawd's doin's1 not mine4 ,to-morrow de sun may be as bright an' warm1 but de ole man won't be heah4 ,all de arternoon ,ize had glimpses of a shady path leadin' down to de shor' of a big broad ribber4 ,ize seen people gwine down dar to cross ober1 an' in a leetle time ,i'll be wid 'em4 ,she put her wrinkled face on the pillow beside his and sobbed1 and he placed his hand on her head and said3 ,it's de ,lawd1 chile--de bressed ,lawd6 ,chile1 ,ize tried to be good to yer4 ,you has been good to me4 ,we am nuffin but ole cull'd folk1 po' in eberyting1 but tryin' to do right by eberybody4 ,when dey tole me ,i'd got to die1 ,i wasn't sartin if de ,lawd wanted a po' ole black man like me up dar4 ,yes1 chile1 ,he will6 ,dis mawnin' ,i heard de harps playin'1 de rustle of wings1 an' a cloud sorter lifted up an' ,i got a cl'ar view right frew de pearly gates4 ,i saw ole slaves an' nayburs dar1 an' dey was jist as white as anybody1 an' a hundred han's beckoned me to come right up dar 'mong 'em4 ,o ,daddy6 ,i'll be all alone--all alone6 she wailed4 ,hush1 chile6 ,ize gwine to be lookin' down on ye6 ,ize gwine to put my han' on yer head an' kiss ye when yer heart am big wid sorrow2 an' when night shuts down an' you pray to de ,lawd1 ,i'll be kneelin' long side of ye4 ,ye won't see me1 but ,i'll be wid ye4 ,you's old an' gray4 ,it won't be long before ye'll git de summons4 ,in a little time de cloud will lif' fur ye1 an' ,i'll be right dar by de pearly gates to take ye in my arms4 ,but ,i can't let you go--,i will hold you down heah wid me6 ,chile6 ,ize sorry for ye1 but ,ize drawin' nigh dat shady path6 ,hark6 ,i kin h'ah de footsteps of de mighty parade of speerits marchin' down to de 'broad ribber6 ,dey will dig a grave an' lay my ole bones dar1 an' in a week all de world but you will forgit me4 ,but doan' grieve1 chile4 ,de ,lawd isn't gwine to shet de gates on me 'cause ,i'm ole an' po' an' black4 ,i kin see dem shinin' way up dar--see our boy at the gate--h'ah de sweetest music dat angels kin play6--,light de lamp1 chile1 'cause de night has come6 ,oh6 he's gwine--he's gwine6 she wailed1 as her tears fell upon his face4 ,chile6 hold my han'6 ,ober heah am de path6 ,i kin see men an' women an' chil'en marchin' 'long6 ,furder down am de sunlight4 ,it shines on de great ribber6 ,ober de ribber am--de--gates--of---- ,of heaven6 ,on earth1 old and poor and low--beyond the gates1 an angel with the rest4 ,,the ,,tramp ,,anonymous ,now1 is that any way for to treat a poor man8 ,i just asked for a penny or two2 ,don't get your back up1 and call me a bum1 ,because ,i have nothing to do4 ,once ,i was strong and handsome1 ,had plenty of money and clothes3 ,that was afore ,i tippled1 ,and whisky had painted my nose4 ,down in the ,lehigh ,valley ,me and my people grew4 ,gentlemen1 ,i was a farmer1 ,and a very good farmer1 too4 ,me and my wife1 and ,nellie1-- ,nellie was just sixteen2 ,and she was the prettiest creature ,that ever that valley had seen4 ,beaux8 ,why1 she had a dozen2 ,they come from near and fur3 ,but they was mostly farmers1 ,and that didn't quite suit her4 ,but one of 'em was a ,new ,yorker1 ,stylish and handsome and tall4 ,hang him6 ,if ,i had him ,i'd-- ,well1 just let me catch him1 that's all4 ,well1 he was the fellow for ,nellie1-- ,she didn't know no ill4 ,her mother tried to prevent it2 ,but you know a young girl's will4 ,well1 it's the same old story1 ,common enough1 you'll say3 ,he was a smooth-tongued villain1 ,and he got her to run away4 ,about a month or so after1 ,we heard from the poor young thing3 ,he had gone away1 and left her ,without any wedding-ring4 ,back to our home we brought her1-- ,back to her mother's side1 ,filled with a raging fever2 ,and she fell at our feet1 and died4 ,frantic with grief and sorrow1 ,her mother began to sink3 ,dead6 in less than a fortnight4 ,that's when ,i took to drink4 ,and all ,i want is a penny or two1 ,just to help me on my way2 ,and ,i'll tramp till ,i find that hell-hound1 ,if it takes till the judgment-day4 ,,the ,,dandy ,,fifth ,,by ,f4 ,h4 ,,gassaway ',twas the time of the workingmen's great strike1 when all the land stood still ,at the sudden roar from the hungry mouths that labor could not fill2 ,when the thunder of the railroad ceased1 and startled towns could spy ,a hundred blazing factories painting each midnight sky2 ,through ,philadelphia's surging streets marched the brown ranks of toil1 ,the grimy legions of the shops1 the tillers of the soil4 ,white-faced militiamen looked on1 while women shrank with dread2 ',twas muscle against money then1 'twas riches against bread4 ,once1 as the mighty mob tramped on1 a carriage stopt the way1 ,upon the silken seat of which a young patrician lay2 ,and as1 with haughty glance1 he swept along the jeering crowd1 ,a white-haired blacksmith in the ranks took off his cap and bowed4 ,that night the ,labor ,league was met1 and soon the chairman said1 ,there hides a ,judas in our midst1 one man who bows the head1 ,who bends the coward's servile knee when capital rolls by4 ,down with him6 ,kill the traitor cur6 rang out the savage cry4 ,up rose the blacksmith1 then1 and held erect his head of gray3 ,i am no traitor1 tho ,i bowed to a rich man's son to-day2 ,and1 tho you kill me as ,i stand1 as like you mean to do1-- ,i want to tell you a story short1 and ,i ask you'll hear me through4 ,i was one of those who enlisted first1 the old flag to defend2 ,with ,pope and ,halleck1 with ',mac' and ,grant1 ,i followed to the end4 ',twas somewhere down on the ,rapidan1 when the ,union cause looked drear1 ,that a regiment of rich young bloods came down to us from here4 ,their uniforms were by tailors cut2 they brought hampers of good wine2 ,and every squad had a servant1 too1 to keep their boots in shine2 ,they'd naught to say to us dusty 'vets1' and1 through the whole brigade ,we called them the kid-gloved ,dandy ,fifth1 when we passed them on parade4 ,well1 they were sent to hold a fort that ,rebs tried hard to take1 ',twas the key of all our line1 which naught while it held out could break4 ,but a fearful fight we lost just then1 the reserve came up too late1 ,and on that fort1 and the ,dandy ,fifth1 hung the whole division's fate4 ,three times we tried to take them aid1 and each time back we fell1 ,tho once we could hear the fort's far guns boom like a funeral knell2 ,till at length ,joe ,hooker's corps came up1 and then straight through we broke2 ,how we cheered as we saw those dandy coats still back of the drifting smoke6 ,with bands all front and our colors spread we swarmed up the parapet1 ,but the sight that silenced our welcome shout ,i shall never in life forget4 ,four days before had their water gone1--they had dreaded that the most1-- ,the next1 their last scant ration went1 and each man looked a ghost ,as he stood gaunt-eyed1 behind his gun1 like a crippled stag at bay1 ,and watched starvation1 not defeat1 draw nearer every day4 ,of all the ,fifth1 not fourscore men could in their places stand1 ,and their white lips told a fearful tale1 as we grasped each bloodless hand4 ,the rest in the stupor of famine lay1 save here and there a few ,in death sat rigid against the guns1 grim sentinels in blue2 ,and their colonel could not speak or stir1 but we saw his proud eye thrill ,as he simply glanced to the shot-scarred staff where the old flag floated still6 ,now1 ,i hate the tyrants who grind us down1 while the wolf snarls at our door1 ,and the men who've risen from us1 to laugh at the misery of the poor2 ,but ,i tell you1 mates1 while this weak old hand ,i have left the strength to lift1 ,i will touch my cap to the proudest swell who fought in the ,dandy ,fifth6 ,,on ,,lincoln ,,by ,,walt ,,whitman ,o ,captain6 my ,captain6 our fearful trip is done2 ,the ship has weathered every rack1 the prize we sought is won2 ,the port is near1 the bells ,i hear1 the people all exulting1 ,while follow eyes the steady keel1 the vessel grim and daring2 ,but1 ,o heart6 heart6 heart6 ,o the bleeding drops of red1 ,where on the deck my ,captain lies1 fallen1 cold and dead4 ,o ,captain6 my ,captain6 rise up and hear the bells2 ,rise up--for you the flag is flung--for you the bugle trills1 ,for you bouquets and ribbon'd wreaths--for you the shores a-crowding2 ,for you they call1 the swaying mass1 their eager faces turning2 ,here ,captain6 dear father6 this arm beneath your head6 ,it is some dream1 that on the deck you've fallen cold and dead4 ,my ,captain does not answer1 his lips are pale and still2 ,my ,captain does not feel my arm1 he has no pulse nor will2 ,the ship is anchored safe and sound1 its voyage is closed and done2 ,from fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won2 ,exult1 ,o shores1 and ring1 ,o bells6 but ,i with mournful tread ,walk the deck my ,captain lies1 fallen1 cold and dead4 ,,the ,,little ,,stowaway ,,anonymous ',bout three years ago1 afore ,i got this berth as ,i'm in now1 ,i was second engineer aboard a ,liverpool steamer bound for ,new ,york4 ,there'd been a lot of extra cargo sent down just at the last minute1 and we'd no end of a job stowin' it away1 and that ran us late o' startin'2 so that1 altogether1 you may think1 the cap'n warn't in the sweetest temper in the world1 nor the mate neither4 ,on the mornin' of the third day out from ,liverpool1 the chief engineer cum down to me in a precious hurry1 and says he3 ',tom1 what d'ye think8 ,blest if we ain't found a stowaway6' ,i didn't wait to hear no more1 but up on deck like a sky-rocket2 and there ,i did see a sight1 and no mistake4 ,every man-,jack o' the crew1 and what few passengers we had aboard1 was all in a ring on the fo'c'stle1 and in the middle was the fust mate1 lookin' as black as thunder4 ,right in front of him1 lookin' a reg'lar mite among them big fellers1 was a little bit o' a lad not ten year old--ragged as a scarecrow1 but with bright1 curly hair1 and a bonnie little face o' his own1 if it hadn't been so woful and pale4 ,the mate was a great1 hulkin'1 black-bearded feller with a look that 'ud ha' frightened a horse1 and a voice fit to make one jump through a keyhole2 but the young un warn't a bit afeard--he stood straight up1 and looked him full in the face with them bright1 clear eyes o' his'n1 for all the world as if he was ,prince ,halferd himself4 ,you might ha' heerd a pin drop1 as the mate spoke4 ',well1 you young whelp1' says he1 'what's brought you here8' ',it was my stepfather as done it1' says the boy1 in a weak little voice1 but as steady as he could be4 ',father's dead1 and mother's married again1 and my new father says as how he won't have no brats about eatin' up his wages2 and he stowed me away when nobody warn't lookin'1 and guv me some grub to keep me going' for a day or two till ,i got to sea4 ,he says ,i'm to go to ,aunt ,jane1 at ,halifax2 and here's her address4' ,we all believed every word on't1 even without the paper he held out4 ,but the mate says3 ',look here1 my lad2 that's all very fine1 but it won't do here--some o' these men o' mine are in the secret1 and ,i mean to have it out of 'em4 ,now1 you just point out the man as stowed you away and fed you1 this very minute2 if you don't1 it'll be worse for you6' ,the boy looked up in his bright1 fearless way 7it did my heart good to look at him1 the brave little chap67 and says1 quietly1 ',i've told you the truth2 ,i ain't got no more to say4' ,the mate says nothin'1 but looks at him for a minute as if he'd see clean through him2 and then he sings out to the crew loud enough to raise the dead3 ',reeve a rope to the yard2 smart now6' ',now1 my lad1 you see that 'ere rope8 ,well1 ,i'll give you ten minutes to confess2 and if you don't tell the truth afore the time's up1 ,i'll hang you like a dog6' ,the crew all stared at one another as if they couldn't believe their ears 7,i didn't believe mine1 ,i can tell ye71 and then a low growl went among 'em1 like a wild beast awakin' out of a nap4 ',silence there6' shouts the mate1 in a voice like the roar of a nor'easter4 ',stan' by to run for'ard6' as he held the noose ready to put it round the boy's neck4 ,the little fellow never flinched a bit2 but there was some among the sailors 7big strong chaps as could ha' felled an ox7 as shook like leaves in the wind4 ,i clutched hold o' a handspike1 and held it behind my back1 all ready4 ',tom1' whispers the chief engineer to me1 'd'ye think he really means to do it8' ',i don't know1' says ,i1 through my teeth2 'but if he does1 he shall go first1 if ,i swings for it6' ,i've been in many an ugly scrape in my time1 but ,i never felt 'arf as bad as ,i did then4 ,every minute seemed as long as a dozen2 and the tick o' the mate's watch1 reg'lar1 pricked my ears like a pin4 ',eight minutes1' says the mate1 his great1 deep voice breakin' in upon the silence like the toll o' a funeral bell4 ',if you've got anything to confess1 my lad1 you'd best out with it1 for ye're time's nearly up4' ',i've told you the truth1' answers the boy1 very pale1 but as firm as ever4 ',may ,i say my prayers1 please8' ,the mate nodded2 and down goes the poor little chap on his knees and put up his poor little hands to pray4 ,i couldn't make out what he said1 but ,i'll be bound ,god heard every word4 ,then he ups on his feet again1 and puts his hands behind him1 and says to the mate quite quietly3 ',i'm ready4' ,and then1 sir1 the mate's hard1 grim face broke up all to once1 like ,i've seed the ice in the ,baltic4 ,he snatched up the boy in his arms1 kissed him1 and burst out a-cryin' like a child2 and ,i think there warn't one of us as didn't do the same4 ,i know ,i did for one4 ',god bless you1 my boy6' says he1 smoothin' the child's hair with his great hard hand4 ',you're a true ,englishman1 every inch of you2 you wouldn't tell a lie to save yer life6 ,well1 if so be as yer father's cast yer off1 ,i'll be yer father from this day forth2 and if ,i ever forget you1 then may ,god forget me6' ,and he kep' his word1 too4 ,when we got to ,halifax1 he found out the little un's aunt1 and gev' her a lump o' money to make him comfortable2 and now he goes to see the youngster every voyage1 as reg'lar as can be2 and to see the pair on 'em together--the little chap so fond of him1 and not bearin' him a bit o' grudge--it's 'bout as pretty a sight as ever ,i seed4 ,and now1 sir1 yer parding1 it's time for me to be goin' below2 so ,i'll just wish yer good-night4 ,,saint ,,crispian',s ,,day ,,by ,,shakespeare ,king ,henry4 ,what's he that wishes so8 ,my cousin ,westmoreland8--,no1 my fair cousin3 ,if we are marked to die1 we are enough ,to do our country loss2 and if to live1 ,the fewer men the greater share of honor4 ,god's will6 ,i pray thee1 wish not one man more4 ,by ,jove1 ,i am not covetous for gold2 ,nor care ,i who doth feed upon my cost2 ,it years me not if men my garments wear2 ,such outward things dwell not in my desires2 ,but if it be a sin to covet honor ,i am the most offending soul alive4 ,no1 'faith1 my coz1 wish not a man from ,england3 ,god's peace6 ,i would not lose so great an honor1 ,as one man more1 methinks1 would share from me1 ,for the best hope ,i have4 ,o1 do not wish one more4 ,rather proclaim it1 ,westmoreland1 through my host1 ,that he which hath no stomach to this fight1 ,let him depart2 his passport shall be made1 ,and crowns for convoy put into his purse3 ,we would not die in that man's company ,that fears his fellowship to die with us4 ,this day is called--the feast of ,crispian3 ,he that outlives this day1 and comes safe home1 ,will stand a tiptoe when this day is nam'd1 ,and rouse him at the name of ,crispian4 ,he that shall live this day1 and see old age1 ,will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbors1 ,and say1--,to-morrow is ,saint ,crispian3 ,then will he strip his sleeve1 and show his scars1 ,and say1 ,these wounds ,i had on ,crispian's day4 ,old men forget2 yet all shall be forgot1 ,but he'll remember1 with advantages1 ,what feats he did that day3 then shall our names1 ,familiar in their mouths as household words1-- ,harry the king1 ,bedford and ,exeter1 ,warwick and ,talbot1 ,salisbury and ,gloster1-- ,be in their flowing cups freshly remember'd3 ,this story shall the good man teach his son2 ,and ,crispin ,crispian shall ne'er go by1 ,from this day to the ending of the world1 ,but we in it shall be remember'd3 ,we few1 we happy few1 we band of brothers2 ,for he to-day that sheds his blood with me ,shall be my brother2 be he ne'er so vile1 ,this day shall gentle his condition3 ,and gentlemen in ,england now a-bed1 ,shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here2 ,and hold their manhoods cheap1 whiles any speaks ,that fought with us upon ,,saint ,,crispian',s ,,day4 ,,the ,c',,rrect ,,card ,,by ,,george ,r4 ,,sims ,c'rrect card1 sir8 ,c'rrect card1 sir8 ,what6 you've seen my face before8 ,well ,i dare say as how you have1 sir1 and so have many more2 but they passes me by without a word--but perhaps it's just as well2 a poor crippled chap like me1 sir1 ain't fit company for a swell4 ,but ,i've seen the time when they all was proud with me to be talking seen--when ,i rode for ,lord ,arthur ,forester1 and wore the black and green4 ,how did it happen 8 ,i'll tell you1 sir4 ,you knew little ,fanny ,flight--old ,farmer ,flight's one daughter--always so pretty and bright8 ,you used to joke with her sometimes1 sir1 and say as1 if you she'd marry1 you'd set up a 'pub' together1 an' pitch your folks to ,old ,harry4 ,you was just down for the holidays1 sir1 from ,oxford1 where you were at school2 but you only played at being in love1 while ,i 444 was a cursed fool6 ,well1 there were lots of 'm after her1 sir1 what with her ways and face2 but ,i was in earnest1 you see1 sir1 and rode a waiting race4 ',twas one fine ,april morning1 when she came out to see us train1 and just as she stood with her little hand holding on by my horse's mane1 ,i felt as how ,i could do it1 and came with a rush1 you see1 an' ,i said to her--all of a tremble1 sir1--',fan1 will you marry me8' ,and she blushed an' smiled1 an' whinnied1 and after a bit she agreed that as soon as ,i found the money to pay for our keep and feed1 why we'd run in harness together4 ,we'd ha' made a tidyish pair2 for ,i weren't a bad looking colt at the time1 and she--such a nice little mare6 ,such a mouth6 such a forehead6 such action6 ,ah1 well1 let 'em say what they may1 that's the sort to make running with us1 sir1--tho1 hang it6 they never can stay4 ,well1 the time went on1 and ,i rode my best1 an' they called me a 'cuteish' chap1 and ,lord ,arthur put me up to ride for the ,leicestershire ,handicap4 ,lord ,arthur1 he was a gentleman--never was stingy or mean--an' he said1 ',i'll give you five hundred1 my man1 if you win with the black and green4' ,well1 the horse ,i rode was ,rasper2 perhaps you remember him8--,black all but one white foot1 sir2 and a temper6--he'd pull like sin4 ,but jump like a bird if he had a mind--plenty of power and pace--and ,i knew he had it in him1 and ,i swore ,i'd win the race4 ,the night before the race came off ,i went down to ,farmer ,flight's--they'd got to expect me regular now on ,tuesday and ,friday nights--and ,i told her what ,lord ,arthur said1 and how1 if ,i chanced to win1 we'd go into double harness on the strength of his lordship's tin4 ,an' she put my colors in her hair1 and her arms around my neck1 and ,i felt 444 but1 hang it6 a chap's a fool as can't keep his feelings in check4 ,but then1 you sees1 sir1 ,i was a fool--a big one as ever was seen--but then ,i was only twenty when ,i rode in the black and green4 ,i got up early next morning1 an' felt as light as a feather1 and ,i went to start for the stables2 and mother she asked me whether ,i'd not take my flask in my pocket1 in case it might come in handy2 but ',mother1' ,i says1 'when a chap's in love1 he don't feel to want any brandy4' ,and ,i thought1 as ,i put on a new pair o' spurs1 and a jacket bran new and clean1 that ,i'd give long odds that ,i'd pull it off--ten to one on the black and green4 ,well1 ,lord ,arthur gave me my orders1 and a leg up on to my horse1 and ,i just had taken my canter an' was coming back up the course1 when who should ,i spy but ,fanny1 in a stylish sort of a trap1 talking away like blazes to a dark1 long-whiskered chap2 but ,i hadn't time to think of more1 for we got the word to start1 and ,rasper gave a thundering tear that nearly pulled out my heart2 an' then ,i pulled him together1 for mine was a waiting race1 and ,i knew that what was to win it was ,rasper's pluck not pace4 ,well1 ,i got round all right the first time2 the fences were easy enough--at least to a couple like we were2 the only one that was tough was a biggish hedge1 with a post and rails2 but the taking-off was fair1 and ,i shouldn't call it a dangerous jump1 as long as you took it with care4 ,and ,rasper6 that very morning ,i said to ,lord ,arthur1 ,i said1 ',i think as that horse there could jump a church1 if he took the thing into his head'2 an' that morning he went like a lady and looked as bright as a bean1 and ,i knew1 if it only lasted1 ,i'd win with the black and green4 ,i was riding ,rasper easy1 when1 just as we passed the stand1 it struck me the carriage that ,fanny was in was somewhere upon my right hand2 and ,i took a pull at ,rasper1 and a glance toward that side1 and ,i saw what made me forget the race and forget the way to ride--only a kiss6 ,an' what's a kiss to the like of him and her8 ,but ,i could not help letting ,rasper feel that ,i wore a long-necked spur2 an' tho ,i set my teeth to be cool and steadied him with the rein1 ,i knew that the devil in ,rasper was up1 and couldn't be laid again2 an' the very next fence1 tho ,i kept him straight1 and he went at it after the rest1 ,i could feel that he meant to do his worst1 and ,i couldn't ride my best4 ,for1 you know1 when a man feels desperate-like1 he's no more head than a child1 and it's all up with a jock1 you see1 if he goes at his fences wild4 ,over the next fence--over the next--till ,i thought1 as my teeth ,i set1 if ,i only could keep my head to my work1 ,i might pull through with it yet2 and ,i took a pull at ,rasper1 an' fell back a bit to the tail1 for ,i'd never forget the one difficult spot--the hedge with the post and rail4 ,how it all comes back6 ,we're in the field--now for a rattling burst2 for the race is half won by the horse and man that crosses that fence first4 ,i run up to my horses and pass them--,i've given ,rasper his head2 ,i can hear1 some lengths behind me1 the trampling and the tread2 and now ,i send him at it firmly but not too fast--he stops--lays his ears back--,,refuses6 ,the devil's come out at last6 ,and ,i dig in the steel and let him feel the sting of stout whalebone1 and ,i say1 ',you shall do it1 you devil6 if ,i break your neck and my own4' ,and the brute gives a squeal1 and rushes at the post and rail like mad--no time to rise him at it--not much use if ,i had2 and then 444 well1 ,i feel a crash and a blow1 and hear a woman scream1 and ,i seem to be dying by inches in a horrid sort of a dream4 ,no1 thank ye--,i'd rather not1 sir4 ,you see they ain't all like you2 these gents as has plenty of money don't care who they gives it to2 but as for stopping an' saying a word1 an' hearing a fellow's tale1 they'd rather give him a crown1 sir1 or stand him a quart of ale4 ,but it brings back old times to be talking to you4 ,ah6 the jolly old times as ,i've seen1 when ,i rode for ,lord ,arthur 7c'rrect card1 sir87 and wore the black and green6 ,,the ,,engineer',s ,,story ,,by ,,rosa ,h4 ,,thorpe ,no1 children1 my trips are over1 ,the engineer needs rest2 ,my hand is shaky2 ,i'm feeling ,a tugging pain i' my breast2 ,but here1 as the twilight gathers1 ,i'll tell you a tale of the road1 ,that'll ring in my head forever1 ,till it rests beneath the sod4 ,we were lumbering along in the twilight1 ,the night was drooping her shade1 ,and the ,gladiator labored1-- ,climbing the top of the grade2 ,the train was heavily laden1 ,so ,i let my engine rest1 ,climbing the grading slowly1 ,till we reached the upland's crest4 ,i held my watch to the lamplight1-- ,ten minutes behind the time6 ,lost in the slackened motion ,of the up-grade's heavy climb2 ,but ,i knew the miles of the prairie ,that stretched a level track1 ,so ,i touched the gauge of the boiler1 ,and pulled the lever back4 ,over the rails a-gleaming1 ,thirty an hour1 or so1 ,the engine leaped like a demon1 ,breathing a fiery glow2 ,but to me--a-hold of the lever-- ,it seemed a child alway1 ,trustful and always ready ,my lightest touch to obey4 ,i was proud1 you know1 of my engine1 ,holding it steady that night1 ,and my eye on the track before us1 ,ablaze with the ,drummond light4 ,we neared a well-known cabin1 ,where a child of three or four1 ,as the up train passed1 oft called me1 ,a-playing around the door4 ,my hand was firm on the throttle ,as we swept around the curve1 ,when something afar in the shadow ,struck fire through every nerve4 ,i sounded the brakes1 and crashing ,the reverse-lever down in dismay1 ,groaning to heaven1--eighty paces ,ahead was the child at its play6 ,one instant1--one1 awful and only1 ,the world flew round in my brain1 ,and ,i smote my hand hard on my forehead ,to keep back the terrible pain2 ,the train ,i thought flying forever1 ,with mad1 irresistible roll1 ,while the cries of the dying1 the night-wind ,swept into my shuddering soul4 ,then ,i stood on the front of the engine-- ,how ,i got there ,i never could tell-- ,my feet planted down on the crossbar1 ,where the cow-catcher slopes to the rail1 ,one hand firmly locked on the coupler1 ,and one held out in the night1 ,while my eye gauged the distance1 and measured ,the speed of our slackening flight4 ,my mind1 thank the ,lord6 it was steady2 ,i saw the curls of her hair1 ,and the face that1 turning in wonder1 ,was lit by the deadly glare4 ,i know little more--but ,i heard it-- ,the groan of the anguished wheels1 ,and remember thinking--the engine ,in agony trembles and reels4 ,one rod6 ,to the day of my dying ,i shall think the old engine reared back1 ,and as it recoiled1 with a shudder ,i swept my hand over the track2 ,then darkness fell over my eyelids1 ,but ,i heard the surge of the train1 ,and the poor old engine creaking1 ,as racked by a deadly pain4 ,they found us1 they said1 on the gravel1 ,my fingers enmeshed in her hair1 ,and she on my bosom a-climbing1 ,to nestle securely there4 ,we are not much given to crying-- ,we men that run on the road-- ,but that night1 they said1 there were faces ,with tears on them1 lifted to ,god4 ,for years in the eve and the morning1 ,as ,i neared the cabin again1 ,my hand on the lever prest downward ,and slackened the speed of the train4 ,when my engine had blown her a greeting1 ,she always would come to the door2 ,and her look with a fulness of heaven ,blesses me evermore4 ,,the ,,face ,,upon ,,the ,,floor ,,by ,h4 ,,antoine ,d',,arcy ',twas a balmy summer evening1 and a goodly crowd was there1 ,which well-nigh filled ,joe's barroom on the corner of the square2 ,and as songs and witty stories came through the open door1 ,a vagabond crept slowly in and posed upon the floor4 ,where did it come from8 some one said4 ,the wind has blown it in4 ,what does it want8 another cried4 ,some whisky1 rum or gin8 ,here1 ,toby1 seek him1 if your stomach's equal to the work-- ,i wouldn't touch him with a fork1 he's as filthy as a ,turk4 ,this badinage the poor wretch took with stoical good grace2 ,in fact1 he smiled as tho he thought he'd struck the proper place4 ,come1 boys1 ,i know there's kindly hearts among so good a crowd-- ,to be in such good company would make a deacon proud4 ,give me a drink--that's what ,i want--,i'm out of funds1 you know1 ,when ,i had the cash to treat the gang1 this hand was never slow4 ,what8 ,you laugh as tho you thought this pocket never held a sou1 ,i once was fixt as well1 my boys1 as any one of you4 ,there1 thanks2 that's braced me nicely2 ,god bless you one and all2 ,next time ,i pass this good saloon1 ,i'll make another call4 ,give you a song8 ,no1 ,i can't do that1 my singing days are past2 ,my voice is cracked1 my throat's worn out1 and my lungs are going fast4 ,say6 give me another whisky1 and ,i'll tell you what ,i'll do-- ,i'll tell you a funny story1 and a fact1 ,i promise1 too4 ,that ,i was ever a decent man1 not one of you would think2 ,but ,i was1 some four or five years back4 ,say1 give me another drink4 ,fill her up1 ,joe1 ,i want to put some life into my frame-- ,such little drinks1 to a bum like me1 are miserably tame2 ,five fingers--there1 that's the scheme--and corking whisky1 too4 ,well1 here's luck1 boys2 and landlord1 my best regards to you4 ,you've treated me pretty kindly1 and ,i'd like to tell you how ,i came to be the dirty sot you see before you now4 ,as ,i told you1 once ,i was a man1 with muscle1 frame and health1 ,and but for a blunder1 ought to have made considerable wealth4 ,i was a painter--not one that daubed on bricks and wood1 ,but an artist1 and1 for my age1 was rated pretty good4 ,i worked hard at my canvas1 and was bidding fair to rise1 ,for gradually ,i saw the star of fame before my eyes4 ,i made a picture perhaps you've seen1 'tis called the ',chase of ,fame1' ,it brought me fifteen hundred pounds1 and added to my name4 ,and then ,i met a woman--now comes the funny part-- ,with eyes that petrified my brain1 and sunk into my heart4 ,why don't you laugh8 ',tis funny that the vagabond you see ,could ever love a woman1 and expect her love for me2 ,but 'twas so1 and for a month or two her smiles were freely given1 ,and when her loving lips touched mine it carried me to heaven4 ,did you ever see a woman for whom your soul you'd give1 ,with a form like the ,milo ,venus1 too beautiful to live2 ,with eyes that would beat the ,koh-i-nor1 and a wealth of chestnut hair8 ,if so1 'twas she1 for there never was another half so fair4 ,i was working on a portrait1 one afternoon in ,may1 ,of a fair-haired boy1 a friend of mine1 who lived across the way2 ,and ,madeline admired it1 and1 much to my surprize1 ,said that she'd like to know the man that had such dreamy eyes4 ,it didn't take long to know him1 and before a month had flown1 ,my friend had stolen my darling1 and ,i was left alone2 ,and ere a year of misery had passed above my head1 ,the jewel ,i had treasured so had tarnished1 and was dead4 ,that's why ,i took to drink1 boys4 ,why ,i never saw you smile1 ,i thought you'd be amused1 and laughing all the while4 ,why1 what's the matter1 friend8 ,there's a tear-drop in your eye1 ,come1 laugh like me2 'tis only babes and women that cry4 ,say1 boys1 if you give me just another whisky1 ,i'll be glad1 ,and ,i'll draw right here a picture of the face that drove me mad4 ,give me that piece of chalk with which you mark the baseball score-- ,you shall see the lovely ,madeline upon the barroom floor4 ,another drink1 and1 with chalk in hand1 the vagabond began ,to sketch a face that well might buy the soul of any man4 ,then as he placed another look upon the shapely head1 ,with a fearful shriek he leaped and fell across the picture dead4 ,,the ,,funeral ,,of ,,the ,,flowers ,,by ,t4 ,,de ,,witt ,,talmage ,the summer is ended1 and we have all been invited to attend the ,funeral of the ,flowers4 ,it occurred on a long slope which at one side dipt into the warm valleys1 and on the other side arose very high into the frosty air1 so that on one boundary line lived cactus and orange-blossom and camellia1 and on the other resided balsam-pine and ,alpine strawberry1 and all kinds of growths between4 ,living midway that steep slope of land there was a rose1 that in common parlance we called ,giant of ,battle4 ,it was red and fiery1 looking as if it had stood on fields of carnage where the blood dashed to the lip4 ,it was a hero among flowers4 ,many of the grasses of the field worshiped it as a god1 the mignonette burning incense beneath it1 the marigold throwing glittering rays of beauty before it1 the mistletoe crawling at its feet4 ,the fame of this ,giant of ,battle was world-wide1 and some said that its ancestors on the father's side had stood on the plains of ,waterloo1 and on its mother's side at ,magneta1 and drank themselves drunk on human gore4 ,but children are not to blame for what their ancestors do1 and this rose1 called ,giant of ,battle1 was universally adored4 ,but the ,giant got sick4 ,whether it was from the poisonous breath of the ,nightshade that had insolently kissed him1 or from grief at the loss of a ,damask-rose that had first won his heart by her blushes1 and then died1 we know not2 but the ,giant of ,battle was passing rapidly away4 ,there was great excitement up and down the slopes4 ,a consultation of botanical physicians was called1 and ,doctor ,eglantine came and thrust a thorn for a lancet into the ,giant's veins1 on the principle that he had too much blood and was apoplectic1 and ,doctor ,balm of ,gilead attempted to heal the pain by poultices2 but still the ,giant grew worse and worse4 ,the ,primrose called in the evening to see how the dying hero was1 and the ,morning-glory stopt before breakfast to see if it could do any good4 ,every flower or grass that called had a prescription for him that would surely cure4 ,neighbor ,horse-sorrel suggested acids1 and ,honeysuckle proposed sugars1 and ,myrrh suggested bitters1 and ,ladies'-slipper1 having taken off her shoes1 said all the patient wanted was more quiet about the room4 ,but too much changing of medicine only made the ,giant more and more sick1 and one afternoon1 while sitting up in bed with a cup of honeysuckle to his lips1 and with the fan of the south wind fluttering in his face1 his head dropt and he died4 ,as the breath went out of him a ,clematis that had been overlooking the sad scene1 said3 ,what time is it8 and a cluster of ,four-o'clocks answered1 ,a little past the middle of the afternoon4 ,the next morning the funeral bells all rang3 the ,blue-bells and the ,canterbury-bells and the ,fox-glove-bells and ,hare-bells and all the flowerdom came to the obsequies of the ,giant of ,battle4 ,he was laid out on a trellis1 and on a catafalque1 such as dead monarchs never had1 of dahlia and phlox and magnolia and geranium and gladiola4 ,there was a great audience of flowers4 ,solemnity came down upon them4 ,even the ,cock's-comb stopt strutting1 and ,larkspur ceased her fickleness1 and ,snapdragon looked gentle1 and ,snowdrop seemed to melt1 and ,bachelor's-button wished it had some one to express its grief to4 ,the ,passion-flower came in and threw herself on the pale cheek of the ,giant with most ardent demonstration of affection4 ,amaranth and ,hydrangea and ,daffodil and ,spiderwort and ,spira having come far from the night and dew1 stood around with their eyes full of tears4 ,the funeral services began4 ,rose of ,sharon and ,lily of the ,valley took part in them4 ,the ,star of ,bethlehem sang a hymn to the tune of ,bonny ,doon4 ,forget-me-not said a few words of commemoration4 ,then ,heartsease arose for the work of comfort1 and read the lesson of the day3 ,as a flower of the field1 so he flourisheth4 ,for the wind passeth over it1 and it is gone2 and the place thereof shall know it no more4 ,and all the bells1 ,fox-glove-bells and ,blue-bells and ,canterbury-bells and ,hare-bells1 prolonged the strain through all that day1 tolling1 tolling out1 ,no more6 no more6 ,,cato',s ,,soliloquy ,,on ,,immortality ,,by ,,joseph ,,addison ,it must be so3 ,plato1 thou reasonest well6 ,else1 whence this pleasing hope1 this fond desire1 ,this longing after immortality8 ,or1 whence this secret dread and inward horror ,of falling into naught8 ,why shrinks the soul ,back on herself and startles at destruction8 ',tis the divinity that stirs within us2 ',tis ,heaven itself1 that points out an hereafter ,and intimates eternity to man4 ,eternity6 thou pleasing1 dreadful thought6 ,through what variety of untried being1 ,through what new scenes and changes must we pass6 ,the wide1 the unbounded prospect lies before me2 ,but shadows1 clouds1 and darkness rest upon it4 ,,opportunity ,,by ,,john ,j4 ,,ingalls ,master of human destinies am ,i ,fame1 love and fortune1 on my footsteps wait4 ,cities and fields ,i walk1 ,i penetrate ,deserts and seas remote--and passing by ,hovel and mart and palace1 soon or late1 ,i knock unbidden once at every gate-- ,if sleeping1 wake1 if feasting1 rise1 before ,i turn away4 ,it is the hour of fate ,and they who follow me1 reach every state ,mortals desire1 and conquer every foe ,save death3 but those who doubt or hesitate ,condemned to failure1 penury and wo1 ,seek me in vain and uselessly implore2 ,i answer not and ,i return no more4 ,,opportunity',s ,,reply ,,by ,,walter ,,malone ,they do me wrong who say ,i come no more1 ,when once ,i knock and fail to find you in3 ,for every day ,i stand outside your door1 ,and bid you wake and rise to fight and win4 ,wail not for precious changes passed away2 ,weep not for golden ages on the wane2 ,each night ,i burn the records of the day2 ,at sunrise every soul is born again4 ,laugh like a boy at splendors that have sped2 ,to vanished joys be blind1 and deaf and dumb2 ,my judgments seat the dead past with its dead1 ,but never bind a moment yet to come4 ,,the ,,erl-,,king ,,by ,,johann ,,wolfgang ,,von ,,goethe 7,translated by ,sir ,walter ,scott7 ,oh1 who rides by night thro' the woodland so wild8 ,it is the fond father embracing his child1 ,and close the boy nestles within his loved arm1 ,to hold himself fast1 and to keep himself warm4 ,o father1 see yonder6 see yonder6 he says2 ,my boy1 upon what dost thou fearfully gaze8 ,oh1 'tis the ,erl-king with his crown and his shroud4 ,no1 my son1 it is but a dark wreath of the cloud4 ,oh1 come and go with me1 thou loveliest child2 ,by many a gay sport shall thy time be beguiled2 ,my mother keeps for thee full many a fair toy1 ,and many a fine flower shall she pluck for my boy4 ,o father1 my father1 and did you not hear ,the ,erl-king whisper so low in my ear8 ,be still1 my heart's darling--my child1 be at ease2 ,it was but the wild blast as it sung thro' the trees4 ,oh1 wilt thou go with me1 thou loveliest boy8 ,my daughter shall tend thee with care and with joy2 ,she shall bear thee so lightly thro' wet and thro' wild1 ,and press thee1 and kiss thee1 and sing to my child4 ,o father1 my father1 and saw you not plain1 ,the ,erl-king's pale daughter glide past thro' the rain8 ,oh1 yes1 my loved treasure1 ,i knew it full soon2 ,it was the gray willow that danced to the moon4 ,oh1 come and go with me1 no longer delay1 ,or else1 silly child1 ,i will drag thee away4 ,o father6 ,o father6 now1 now keep your hold1 ,the ,erl-king has seized me--his grasp is so cold6 ,sore trembled the father2 he spurr'd thro' the wild1 ,clasping close to his bosom his shuddering child4 ,he reaches his dwelling in doubt and in dread1 ,but1 clasp'd to his bosom1 the infant was dead6 ,,carcassonne ,,by ,m4 ,e4 ,w4 ,,sherwood ,how old ,i am6 ,i'm eighty years4 ,i've worked both hard and long1 ,yet patient as my life has been1 one dearest sight ,i have not seen1 ,it almost seems a wrong4 ,a dream ,i had when life was young4 ,alas6 our dreams1 they come not true4 ,i thought to see fair ,carcassonne1 ,that lovely city1 ,carcassonne4 ,one sees it dimly from the height beyond the mountain blue4 ,fain would ,i walk five weary leagues1 ,i do not mind the road's fatigues1 ,thro' morn and evening's dew4 ,but bitter frosts would fall at night1 and on the grapes that withered blight1 ,i could not go to ,carcassonne1 ,i never went to ,carcassonne4 ,they say it is as gay all times as holidays at home4 ,the gentles ride in gay attire1 and in the sun each gilded spire ,shoots up like those at ,rome4 ,the bishop the procession leads1 the generals curb their prancing steeds4 ,alas6 ,i saw not ,carcassonne4 ,alas6 ,i know not ,carcassonne4 ,our vicar's right4 ,he preaches loud and bids us to beware4 ,he says1 ,oh1 guard the weakest part and most the traitor in the heart ,against ambition's snare4 ,perhaps in autumn ,i can find two sunny days with gentle wind1 ,i then could go to ,carcassonne1 ,i still could go to ,carcassonne4 ,my ,god and ,father1 pardon me1 if this my wish offends4 ,one sees some hope more high than he in age1 as in his infancy ,to which his heart ascends4 ,my wife1 my son have seen ,narbonne1 my grandson went to ,perpignan1 ,but ,i have not seen ,carcassonne1 ,but ,i have not seen ,carcassonne4 ,thus sighed a peasant bent with age1 half dreaming in his chair4 ,i said1 ,my friend1 come1 go with me to-morrow2 thine eyes shall see those streets ,that seem so fair4 ,that night there came for passing soul the church-bell's low and solemn toll4 ,he never saw gay ,carcassonne4 ,who has not known a ,carcassonne8 ,,the ,,musicians ,,anonymous ,the strings of my heart were strung by ,pleasure1 ,and ,i laughed when the music fell on my ear1 ,for he and ,mirth played a joyful measure1 ,and they played so loud that ,i could not hear ,the wailing and mourning of souls a-weary1 ,the strains of sorrow that sighed around2 ,the notes of my heart sang blithe and cheery1 ,and ,i heard no other sound4 ,mirth and ,pleasure1 the music brothers1 ,but sometimes a discord was heard by others ,tho only the rhythm was heard by me4 ,louder and louder and faster and faster1 ,the hands of those brothers played strain on strain1 ,till1 all of a sudden a mighty master ,swept them aside1 and ,pain1 ,pain1 the ,musician1 the soul refiner1 ,resting the strings of my quivering heart2 ,and the air that he played was a plaintive minor1 ,so sad that the tear-drops were forced to start4 ,each note was an echo of awful anguish1 ,as shrill1 as solemn1 as sad as slow1 ,and my soul for a season seemed to languish ,and faint with its weight of wo4 ,with skilful hands that were never weary1 ,this master of music played strain on strain2 ,and between the bars of the ,miserere ,he drew up the strings of my heart again4 ,and ,i was filled with a vague1 strange wonder ,to see that they did not break in two2 ,they are drawn so tight they will snap asunder ,i thought1 but instead they grew ,in the hands of the ,master1 firmer and stronger1 ,and ,i could hear on the stilly air2 ,now my ears were deafened by mirth no longer1 ,the sounds of sorrow1 and grief and despair4 ,and my soul grew tender and kind to others2 ,my nature grew sweeter and my mind grew broad ,and ,i held all men to be my brothers1 ,linked by the chastening rod1 ,my soul was lifted to ,god and heaven1 ,and when on my heart-strings fell again ,the hands of ,mirth and ,pleasure1 even1 ,there was no discord to mar the strain1 ,for ,pain1 the ,musician1 the soul refiner1 ,attuned the strings with a master hand1 ,and whether the music be major or minor1 ,it is always sweet and grand4 ,,on ,,the ,,rappahannock ,,anonymous ,the sun had set1 and in the distant west ,the last red streaks had faded2 night and rest ,fell on the earth2 stilled was the cannon's roar2 ,and many a soldier slept to wake no more4 ',twas early spring--a calm and lovely night-- ,the moon had flooded all the earth with light4 ,on either side the ,rappahannock lay ,the armies2 resting till the break of day ,should call them to renew the fight4 ,so near ,together were the camps that each could hear ,the other's sentry call4 ,and now appear ,the blazing bivouac fires on every hill1 ,and save the tramp of pickets all is still4 ,between those silent hills in beauty flows ,the ,rappahannock4 ,how its bosom glows6 ,how all its sparkling waves reflect the light ,and add new glories to the starlit night6 ,but hark6 ,from ,northern hill there steal along ,the strains of martial music mixed with song3 ,star ,spangled ,banner1 may'st thou ever wave1 ,over the land we shed our blood to save6 ,and still they sing those words3 ,our cause is just4 ,we'll triumph in the end2 in ,god we trust2 ,star ,spangled ,banner1 wave1 forever wave1 ,over a land united1 free and brave6 ,scarce had this died away when along ,the river rose another glorious song3 ,a thousand lusty throats the chorus sing3 ,with ,rally ,round the ,flag1 the hilltops ring4 ,and well they sang4 ,each heart was filled with joy4 ,from first in rank to little drummer-boy4 ,the loud huzzas and wildest cheers were given1 ,that seemed to cleave the air and reach to heaven4 ,the ,union songs1 the loud and heartfelt cheers ,fall in the ,southern camp on listening ears4 ,while talking at their scanty evening meal ,they pause and grasp their trusty blades of steel4 ,fearless they stand and ready for the fray2 ,such sounds can startle them1 but not dismay4 ,alas6 ,those strains of music which of yore ,could rouse their hearts are felt by them no more4 ,when the last echo of the song had died ,and all was silent on the ,northern side1 ,there came from ,southern hill1 with gentle swell1 ,the air of ,dixe1 which was loved so well ,by every man that wore the coat of gray1 ,and is revered and cherished to this day4 ,in ,dixie's ,land they swore to live and die1 ,that was their watchword1 that their battle-cry4 ,then rose on high the wild ,confederate yell1 ,resounding over every hill and dell4 ,cheer after cheer went up that starry night ,from men as brave as ever saw the light4 ,now all is still4 ,each side has played its part4 ,how simple songs will fire a soldier's heart6 ,but hark6 ,o'er ,rappahannock's stream there floats ,another tune2 but ah6 how sweet the notes4 ,not such as lash men's passions into foam1 ,but--richest gem of song--'tis ,home1 ,sweet ,home6 ,played by the band1 it reached the very soul1 ,and down the veteran's cheeks the tear-drops stole4 ,on either side the stream1 from ,north and ,south1 ,men who would march up to the cannon's mouth ,wept now like children4 ,tender hearts and true ,were beating 'neath those coats of gray and blue4 ,the sentry stopt and rested on his gun1 ,while back to home his thoughts unhindered run4 ,he thought of loving wife and children there ,deprived of husband's and of father's care4 ,and stripling lads1 scarce strong enough to bear ,the weight of saber or of knapsack1 tried ,to stop their tears with foolish1 boyish pride4 ,they might as well have sought to stop the tide6 ,through both those hostile camps the music stole ,and stirred each soldier to his inmost soul4 ,from ,north and ,south1 in sympathy1 there rose ,a shout tremendous2 forgetting they were foes1 ,both armies joined and shouted with one voice ,that seemed to make the very heavens rejoice4 ,sweet music's power6 ,one chord doth make us wild4 ,but change the strain1 we weep as little child4 ,touch yet another1 men charge the battery-gun1 ,and by those martial strains a victory's won6 ,but there's one strain that friends and foes will win1 ,one magic touch that makes the whole world kin3 ,no heart so cold1 but will1 tho far it roam1 ,respond with tender thrill to ,home1 ,sweet ,home6 ,,como ,,by ,,joaquin ,,miller ,the red-clad fishers row and creep ,below the craigs1 as half asleep1 ,nor even make a single sound4 ,the walls are steep1 ,the waves are deep2 ,and if the dead man should be found ,by these same fishers in their round1 ,why1 who shall say but he was drowned8 ,the lake lay bright1 as bits of broken moon ,just newly set within the cloven earth2 ,the ripened fields drew round a golden girth ,far up the steppes1 and glittered in the noon4 ,and when the sun fell down1 from leafy shore ,fond lovers stole in pairs to ply the oar4 ,the stars1 as large as lilies1 flecked the blue2 ,from out the ,alps the moon came wheeling through ,the rocky pass the great ,napoleon knew4 ,a gala night it was--the season's prime2 ,we rode from castled lake to festal town1 ,to fair ,milan--my friend and ,i2 rode down ,by night1 where grasses waved in rippled rhyme2 ,and so what theme but love in such a time8 ,his proud lip curved the while in silent scorn ,at thought of love2 and then1 as one forlorn1 ,he sighed1 then bared his temples1 dashed with gray1 ,then mocked1 as one outworn and well blas4 ,a gorgeous tiger-lily1 flaming red1 ,so full of battle1 of the trumpets blare1 ,of old-time passion1 upreared its head4 ,i galloped past1 ,i leaned1 ,i clutched it there4 ,from out the long1 strong grass ,i held it high1 ,and cried1 ,lo6 this to-night shall deck her hair ,through all the dance4 ,and mark6 the man shall die ,who dares assault1 for good or ill design1 ,the citadel where ,i shall set this sign4 ,he spoke no spare word all the after while4 ,that scornful1 cold1 contemptuous smile of his6 ,why1 better men have died for less than this4 ,then in the hall the same old hateful smile6 ,then marvel not that when she graced the floor1 ,with all the beauties gathered from the four ,far quarters of the world1 and she1 my fair1 ,the fairest1 wore within her midnight hair ,my tiger-lily--marvel not1 ,i say1 ,that he glared like some wild beast well at bay6 ,oh1 she shone fairer than the summer star1 ,or curled sweet moon in middle destiny4 ,more fair than sunrise climbing up the sea1 ,where all the loves of ,ariadne are4 ,who loves1 who truly loves1 will stand aloof1 ,the noisy tongue makes most unholy proof ,of shallow waters--all the while afar ,from out the dance ,i stood1 and watched my star1 ,my tiger-lily1 borne an oriflamme of war4 ,a thousand beauties flashed at love's advance1 ,like bright white mice at moonlight in their play1 ,or sunfish shooting in the shining bay1 ,the swift feet shot and glittered in the dance4 ,oh1 have you loved1 and truly loved1 and seen ,aught else the while than your own stately queen8 ,her presence1 it was majesty--so tall2 ,her proud development encompassed--all4 ,she filled all space4 ,i sought1 ,i saw but her4 ,i followed as some fervid worshiper4 ,adown the dance she moved with matchless pace4 ,the world--my world--moved with her4 ,suddenly ,i questioned whom her cavalier might be4 ',twas he6 ,his face was leaning to her face6 ,i clutched my blade2 ,i sprang2 ,i caught my breath1 ,and so stood leaning still as death4 ,and they stood still4 ,she blushed1 then reached and tore ,the lily as she passed1 and down the floor ,she strewed its heart like bits of gushing gore4 ',twas he said heads1 not hearts1 were made to break4 ,he taught me this that night in splendid scorn4 ,i learned too well4 ,the dance was done4 ,ere morn ,we mounted--he and ,i--but no more spake4 ,and this for woman's love6 ,my lily worn ,in her dark hair in pride to be thus torn ,and trampled on for this bold stranger's sake6 ,two men rode silent back toward the lake4 ,two men rode silent down1 but only one ,rode up at morn to greet the rising sun4 ,the walls are steep1 ,the waves are deep2 ,and if the dead man should be found ,by red-clad fishers in their round1 ,why1 who shall say but he was--drowned8 ,,aux ,,italiens ,,by ,,owen ,,meredith ,at ,paris it was1 at the ,opera there2 ,and she looked like a queen in a book1 that night1 ,with the wreath of pearl in her raven hair1 ,and the brooch on her breast1 so bright4 ,of all the operas that ,verdi wrote1 ,the best1 to my taste1 is the ,trovatore2 ,and ,mario can soothe with a tenor note ,the souls in purgatory4 ,the moon on the tower slept soft as snow2 ,and who was not thrilled in the strangest way1 ,as we heard him sing1 while the gas burned low1 ,non ti scordar di me8 ,the emperor there1 in his box of state1 ,looked grave1 as if he had just then seen ,the red flag wave from the city-gate1 ,where his eagles in bronze had been4 ,the empress1 too1 had a tear in her eye4 ,you'd have said that her fancy had gone back again1 ,for one moment1 under the old blue sky1 ,to the old glad life in ,spain4 ,well6 there in our front-row box we sat ,together1 my bride-betrothed and ,i2 ,my gaze was fixt on my opera-hat1 ,and hers on the stage hard by4 ,and both were silent1 and both were sad4 ,like a queen1 she leaned on her full white arm1 ,with that regal1 indolent air she had2 ,so confident of her charm6 ,i have not a doubt she was thinking then ,of her former lord1 good soul that he was6 ,who died the richest and roundest of men1 ,the ,marquis of ,carabas4 ,i hope that1 to get to the kingdom of heaven1 ,through a needle's eye he had not yet to pass2 ,i wish him well for the jointure given ,to my lady of ,carabas4 ,meanwhile ,i was thinking of my first love1 ,as ,i had not been thinking of aught for years1 ,till over my eyes there began to move ,something that felt like tears4 ,i thought of the dress that she wore last time1 ,when we stood1 'neath the cypress-trees1 together1 ,in that lost land1 in that soft clime1 ,in the crimson evening weather2 ,of that muslin dress 7for the eve was hot71 ,and her warm1 white neck in its golden chain4 ,and her full1 soft hair1 just tied in a knot1 ,and falling loose again2 ,and the jasmine-flower in her fair1 young breast2 ,oh1 the faint1 sweet smell of that jasmine-flower1 ,and the one bird singing alone to his nest1 ,and the one star over the tower4 ,i thought of our little quarrels and strife1 ,and the letter that brought me back my ring1 ,and it all seemed then1 in the waste of life1 ,such a very little thing6 ,for ,i thought of her grave below the hill1 ,which the sentinel cypress-tree stands over4 ,and ,i thought 444 were she only living still1 ,how ,i could forgive her and love her4 ,and ,i swear1 as ,i thought thus1 in that hour1 ,and of how1 after all1 old things were best1 ,that ,i smelt the smell of that jasmine-flower1 ,which she used to wear in her breast4 ,it smelt so faint1 and it smelt so sweet1 ,it made me creep1 and it made me cold6 ,like the scent that steals from the crumbling sheet ,when a mummy is half unrolled4 ,and ,i turned and looked4 ,she was sitting there ,in a dim box1 over the stage2 and drest ,in that muslin dress1 with that full soft hair1 ,and that jasmine in her breast6 ,i was here1 and she was there1 ,and the glittering horseshoe curved between-- ,from my bride-betrothed1 with her raven hair1 ,and her sumptuous1 scornful mien4 ,to my early love1 with her eyes downcast1 ,and over her primrose face the shade 7,in short1 from the ,future back to the ,past71 ,there was but one step to be made4 ,to my early love from my future bride ,one moment ,i looked4 ,then ,i stole to the door1 ,i traversed the passage2 and down at her side ,i was sitting1 a moment more4 ,my thinking of her1 or the music's strain1 ,or something which never will be exprest1 ,had brought her back from the grave again1 ,with the jasmine in her breast4 ,she is not dead1 and she is not wed6 ,but she loves me now1 and she loved me then6 ,and the very first word that her sweet lips said1 ,my heart grew youthful again4 ,the marchioness there1 of ,carabas1 ,she is wealthy1 and young1 and handsome still1 ,and but for her 444 well1 we'll let that pass-- ,she may marry whomever she will4 ,but ,i will marry my own first love1 ,with her primrose face2 for old things are best1 ,and the flower in her bosom1 ,i prize it above ,the brooch in my lady's breast4 ,the world is filled with folly and sin1 ,and ,love must cling where it can1 ,i say2 ,for ,beauty is easy enough to win1 ,but one isn't loved every day4 ,and ,i think1 in the lives of most women and men1 ,there's a moment when all would go smooth and even1 ,if only the dead could find out when ,to come back and be forgiven4 ,but oh1 the smell of that jasmine-flower6 ,and oh1 that music6 and oh1 the way ,that voice rang out from the donjon tower1 ,non ti scordar di me1 non ti scordar di me6 ,,index ,a ,adams1 ,charles ,fallen1 #ahe ,adeler1 ,max1 #ada ,a-feared of a ,gal1 #bcg ,afternoon1 ,one1 #aif ,agnes1 ,i ,lore ,thee61 #ha ,aldrich1 ,thomas ,bailey1 #dg ,almost ,beyond ,endurance1 #hi ,amateur ,night1 #ih ,amsbary1 ,wallace ,bruce1 #ajg ,and ,she ,cried1 #fh ,anstey1 ,f41 #baj ,at ,five-o'clock ,tea1 #adc ,at the ,restaurant1 #bce ,aux ,italiens1 #cbb ,b ,bachelor ,sews on a ,button1 ,how a1 #aed ,bailey1 ,james ,m41 #eg ,baine1 ,william1 #bhb ,banging a ,sensational ,novelist1 #hc ,barbara ,frietchie1 ,parody on1 #acg ,bary ,jade1 ,lides to1 #afh ,becky ,miller1 #aae ,before and ,after1 #aci ,belagcholly ,days1 #ic ,bengaugh1 ,j4 ,w41 #aaj ,beyond ,endurance1 ,almost1 #hi ,big ,mistake1 ,a1 #abi ,big ,words1 ,don't ,use1 #afc ,billy of ,nebraska1 #aaj ,blackstonian ,circumlocution1 ,his1 #bcc ,blossom1 ,henry ,m41 ,jr41 #aeb ,book ,agent1 ,the ,merchant and the1 #acd ,boss1 ,john ,c41 #bdg ,bounding the ,united ,states1 #aja ,boy1 ,dot ,leetle1 #fi ,boy1 ,papa and the1 #bjh ,bradley1 ,mary ,e41 #aed ,break1 ,break1 ,break1 #bgg ,bridegroom's ,toast1 ,the1 #bjc ,brooks1 ,fred ,emerson1 #dj ,burbank1 #bfa ,burdette1 ,robert ,j41 #aii ,burton1 ,richard1 #bfg ,byron1 #bfi ,c ,candidate1 ,the1 #aic ,carcassonne1 #cad ,card1 ,the ,c'rrect1 #cjj ,cards1 ,life ,compared to a ,game of1 #bhi ,carlotta ,mia1 #bbh ,casey at the ,bat1 #adg ,casuistry1 ,cupid's1 #ci ,cato's ,soliloquy on ,immortality1 #caa ,chance1 ,they ,met by1 #bjc ,charlie ,must ,not ,ring ,to-night1 #afi ,checkers1 ,a ,friendly ,game of1 #aej ,christopher ,columbus1 #aee ,circumlocution1 ,his ,blackstonian1 #bcc ,coles1 ,cynthia1 #adf ,como1 #cai ,content1 ,i ,am1 #bgd ,coon's ,lullaby1 ,the1 #acf ,corydon1 #dg ,counting ,eggs1 #hf ,counting ,one ,hundred1 #eg ,crooked ,mouth ,family1 ,the1 #abb ,c'rrect ,card1 ,the1 #cjj ,cupid's ,casuistry1 #ci ,curfew1 ,the ,elocutionist's1 #bd ,cyclopeedy1 ,the1 #bci ,d ,daly1 ,t4 ,a41 #aad1 #bbh ,dandy ,fifth1 ,the1 #bic ,da ',mericana ,girl1 #aad ,d',arcy1 ,h4 ,antoine1 #cjf ,davis1 ,daniel ,webster1 #di ,dead ,kitten1 ,the1 #cc ,desprez1 ,f41 #bhd ,dialectic ,sketch1 ,a ,lancashire1 #bcb ,dickens1 ,charles1 #baf ,difficulty of ,riming1 ,the1 #agi ,doctor ,marigold1 #baf ,dog und der ,lobster1 ,der1 #ajb ,don't ,use ,big ,words1 #afc ,dot lambs ,vot ,mary ,haf ,got1 #aab ,dot ,leedle ,boy1 #fi ,double1 and ,how ,he ,undid ,me1 ,my1 #aga ,drummond1 ,w4 ,h41 #bga ,dunbar1 ,paul ,laurence1 #ce1 #aec ,dundreary's ,letter1 ,lord1 #aca ,dunne1 ,finlay ,peter1 #gc ,dutchman's ,serenade1 ,the1 #bbj ,e ,eagle's ,song1 ,the1 #bge ,earl ,king1 ,the1 #cac ,echo1 #bdd ,edwards1 ,h4 ,s41 #dd ,ehrmann1 ,max1 #ih ,eggs1 ,counting1 #hf ,elocutionist's ,curfew1 ,the1 #bd ,enchanted ,shirt1 ,the1 #ahc ,endurance1 ,almost ,beyond1 #hi ,engineer's ,story1 ,the1 #cjc ,eve of ,waterloo1 ,the1 #bfi ,f ,face ,upon the ,floor1 ,the1 #cjf ,faith1 ,the ,ship of1 #ahg ,fairies' ,tea1 ,the1 #he ,familiar ,lines1 #adi ,fan1 ,a ,lesson with the1 #ej ,feller1 ,a little1 #abf ,father's ,way1 #bgb ,field1 ,eugene1 #bci1 #bgb ,fiend1 ,the ,weather1 #cd ,fifteen ,minutes1 ,her1 #bh ,finnigan to ,flannigan1 #age ,fiske1 ,john1 #aja ,five-o'clock ,tea1 ,at1 #adc ,flannigan1 ,finnigan to1 #age ,flowers1 ,the ,funeral of the1 #cji ,foss1 ,s4 ,w41 #bac1 #bhg ,fly1 ,the1 #aef ,foolin'1 ,quit ,your1 #bej ,fool's ,prayer1 ,the1 #bfh ,foxes' ,tails1 ,the1 #bi ,freckled-face ,girl1 ,the1 #if ,funeral of the ,flowers1 ,the1 #cji ,g ,gal1 ,a-feared of a1 #bcg ,gassaway1 ,f4 ,h41 #bic ,georga ,washingdone1 #aac ,gib ,him ,one ub ,mine1 #di ,gilbert1 ,w4 ,s41 #aeg ,gillinan1 ,s4 ,w41 #age ,girl1 ,the ,freckled-face1 #if ,goethe1 ,johann ,wolfgang von1 #cac ,gorilla1 ,the1 #hb ,grape-seed1 #aij ,grilley1 ,charles ,t41 #ci1 #aci ,greek ,meets ,greek1 ,when1 #adj ,h ,hale1 ,edward ,everett1 #aga ,hammock1 ,romance of a1 #agc ,harbour1 ,j4 ,l41 #bjh ,harp of a ,thousand ,strings1 ,the1 #agg ,hat in the ,pit1 ,the ,obstructive1 #baj ,hatton1 ,henry1 #ajd ,hay1 ,john1 #ahc ,he ,laughed ,last1 #ajc ,heaton1 ,john ,l41 #afj ,henry the ,fifth's ,wooing1 #bed ,hens1 ,lavery's1 #bja ,he ,wanted to ,know1 #ahh ,her ,fifteen ,minutes1 #bh ,his ,blackstonian ,circumlocution1 #bcc ,his ,leg ,shot ,off1 #bbd ,hood1 ,thomas1 #gh ,hopkins' ,last ,moments1 #hd ,how a ,bachelor ,sews on a ,button1 #aed ,hullo1 #bac ,huntley1 ,stanley1 #bjd ,i ,i ,am ,content1 #bgd ,idyl on ,grass1 ,a ,spring1 #eb ,idyl1 ,a ,twilight1 #aii ,if ,i ,can ,be ,by ,her1 #fe ,if ,we ,had the ,time1 #bfg ,i ,knew ,he ,would ,come if ,i ,waited1 #gf ,imph-,m1 #abd ,ingalls1 ,john ,j41 #cab ,introducin' the ,speecher1 #ed ,introduction1 ,an1 #agg ,irish ,philosopher1 ,the1 #ia ,irving1 ,minna1 #fh ,irwin1 ,wallace1 #bbi ,italiens1 ,aux1 #cbb ,i ,tol' ,yer ,so1 #afj ,j ,joke1 ,leaving ,out the1 #bch ,julie ,plante1 ,the ,wreck of the1 #bga ,k ,khan1 ,the1 #bbe ,katie's ,answer1 #gi ,katrina ,likes ,me ,poody ,vell1 #bcd ,keep ,a'goin'61 #ade ,kerr1 ,joe1 #afa ,king1 ,byron ,w41 #db ,king1 ,benjamin ,franklin1 #fe ,kiser1 ,s4 ,e41 #ie ,kitten1 ,the ,dead1 #cc ,kleiser1 ,grenville1 #fj ,l ,lamb1 ,the ,original1 #ie ,lambs ,vot ,mary ,haf ,got1 ,dot1 #aab ,lampton1 ,w4 ,j41 #ci ,lancashire ,dialectic ,sketch1 ,a1 #bcb ,lariat ,bill1 #aib ,lasca1 #bhd ,last ,moments1 ,hopkins'1 #hd ,laughed ,last1 ,he1 #ajc ,laughton1 ,james ,l41 #bea ,lavery's ,hens1 #bja ,leacock1 ,stephen1 #be ,leaving ,out the ,joke1 #bch ,leg ,shot ,off1 ,his1 #bbd ,lesson with the ,fan1 ,a1 #ej ,letter1 ,lord ,dundreary's1 #aca ,lever1 ,charles1 #bbb ,life ,compared to a ,game of ,cards1 #bhi ,lides to ,bary ,jade1 #afh ,lincoln1 ,on1 #bif ,lisp1 #bjb ,little ,stowaway1 ,the1 #bif ,loomis1 ,charles ,battell1 #afg ,lord ,dundreary's ,letter1 #aca ,lover's ,quarrel1 ,a1 #adf ,love's ,moods and ,senses1 #gg ,l1 ,song of the1 #fj ,lullaby1 #aec ,lullaby1 ,the ,coon's1 #acf ,m ,macaulay1 #bgg ,mac,donald1 ,george1 #aah ,malone1 ,walter1 #cab ,malone1 ,widow1 #bbb ,mammy's ,li'l ,boy1 #dd ,man ,who ,will ,make a ,speech1 ,the1 #bbg ,mansfield1 ,richard1 #bge ,marketing1 #eb ,married ,life1 ,ups and ,downs of1 #aba ,mason1 ,she ,would be a1 #bea ,masson1 ,tom1 #bh ,mayor1 ,pat and the1 #aaf ,mc,carthy and ,mc,manus1 #ff ,melpomenus ,jones1 #be ,merchant and the ,book ,agent1 ,the1 #acd ,meredith1 ,owen1 #cbb ',mericana ,girl1 ,da1 #aad ,miller1 ,joaquin1 #cai ,mistake1 ,a ,big1 #abi ,mr4 ,dooley on the ,grip1 #gc ,mr4 ,potts' ,story1 #ada ,modern ,romance1 #aeb ,morgan1 ,carrie ,blake1 #ea ,morris1 ,joshua ,s41 #agg ,mule ,stood on der ,steamboat ,deck1 ,der1 #afd ,mumbles ,head1 ,the ,women of1 #bgi ,musicians1 ,the1 #cae ,my ,double1 and ,how ,he ,undid ,me1 #aga ,n ,nancy ,bell1 ,the ,yarn of the1 #aeg ,nesbit1 ,w4 ,d41 #bd ,new ,school ,reader1 ,the1 #afe ,nocturnal ,sketch1 ,a1 #gh ,norah ,murphy and the ,spirits1 #ajd ,nothing ,suited ,him1 #abf ,not ,in ,it1 #aih ,nye1 ,bill1 #aic ,o ,oak und der ,vine1 ,der1 #ahe ,oatmobile1 ,the1 #hg ,obstructive ,hat in the ,pit1 ,the1 #baj ,old ,daddy ,turner1 #bij ,one ,afternoon1 #aif ,on ,lincoln1 #bif ,on the ,rappahannock1 #cag ,opie ,read1 #ajg ,opportunity1 #cab ,opportunity1 ,an1 #aij ,opportunity's ,reply1 #cab ,oracle1 ,the ,village1 #fb ,organist1 ,the ,volunteer1 #bhg ,original ,lamb1 ,the1 #ie ,our ,railroads1 #bde ,p ,papa and the ,boy1 #bjh ,parody on ,barbara ,frietchie1 #acg ,passion1 ,the ,ruling1 #bai ,pat and the ,mayor1 #aaf ,pat's ,reason1 #bdi ,philosopher1 ,the ,irish1 #ia ,phrases1 ,slang1 #acc ,poor ,was ,mad1 ,the1 #afg ,prayer1 ,the ,fool's1 #bfh ,presentation of the ,trumpet1 #afb ,proof ,positive1 #ij ,q ,quarrel1 ,a ,lover's1 #adf ,quarreled1 ,they ,never1 #eh ,quit ,your ,foolin'1 #bej ,r ,race ,question1 ,the1 #ce ,railroads1 ,our1 #bde ,rainy ,day ,episode1 ,a1 #ge ,rappahannock1 ,on the1 #cag ,reader1 ,the ,new ,school1 #afe ,reason1 ,pat's1 #bdi ,reason ,why1 ,the1 #aed ,rehearsing for ,private ,theatricals1 #bjd ,reply1 ,opportunity's1 #cab ,restaurant1 ,at the1 #bce ,riley1 ,james ,whitcomb1 #bc1 #fi1 #hi ,riming1 ,the ,difficulty of1 #agi ,ring ,to-night1 ,charlie ,must ,not1 #afi ,rip ,van ,winkle1 ,scenes from1 #bfa ,rivals1 ,scenes from the1 #beh ,robin ,tamson's ,smiddy1 #abg ,roche1 ,james ,jeffrey1 #bjf ,rodger1 ,alexander1 #abg ,romance1 ,modern1 #aeb ,romance of a ,hammock1 #agc ,ruling ,passion1 ,the1 #bai ,s ,saint ,crispian's ,day1 #bii ,saxe1 ,john ,g41 #bdd ,scott1 ,clement1 #bgi ,sensational ,novelist1 ,banging a1 #hc ,serenade1 ,the ,dutchman's1 #bbj ,sermon1 ,a ,short1 #bca ,shakespeare1 #bed1 #bii ,she ,would ,be a ,mason1 #bea ,sheridan1 ,richard ,brinsley1 #beh ,sherwood1 ,m4 ,e4 ,w41 #cad ,ship of ,faith1 ,the1 #ahg ,shirt1 ,the ,enchanted1 #ahc ,short ,encore1 ,a1 #agj ,short ,sermon1 ,a1 #bca ,sill1 ,edward ,rowland1 #bfh ,sims1 ,george ,r41 #cjj ,siviter1 ,william ,h41 #bai ,slang ,phrases1 #acc ,smiddy1 ,robin ,tamson's1 #abg ,smiley1 ,joseph ,bert1 #aha ,song1 ,the ,eagle's1 #bge ,song of the ,l41 #fj ,so ,was ,i1 #aha ',spcially ,jim1 #hj ,speecher1 ,introducin' the1 #ed ,speech1 ,the ,man ,who ,will ,make a1 #bbg ,spirits1 ,norah ,murphy and the1 #ajd ,spring ,idyl on ,grass1 ,a1 #eb ,stanton1 ,frank ,l41 #ade ,story1 ,the ,engineer's1 #cjc ,stowaway1 ,the ,little1 #bif ,stuttering ,umpire1 ,the1 #bbe ,sylva1 ,carmen1 #bgd ,t ,talmadge1 ,t4 ,de ,witt1 #cji ,telephone1 ,the ,dutchman's1 #bad ,tell and ,his ,boy1 ,william1 #bhb ,tennyson1 ,alfred1 #bgg ,thayer1 ,phineas1 #adg ,theatricals1 ,rehearsing for ,private1 #bjd ,they ,never ,quarreled1 #eh ,thorpe1 ,rosa ,h41 #cjc ,time1 ,if ,we ,had the1 #bfg ,toast1 ,the ,bridegroom's1 #bjc ,total ,annihilation1 #abj ,train1 ,misses the1 #bc ,tramp1 ,the1 #bib ,trumpet1 ,presentation of the1 #afb ,turner1 ,old ,daddy1 #bij ,twain1 ,mark1 #agg ,twilight ,idyl1 ,a1 #aii ,u ,undertow1 ,the1 #ea ,united ,states1 ,bounding the1 #aja ,umpire1 ,the ,stuttering1 #bbe ,ups and ,downs of ,married ,life1 ,the1 #aba ,usual ,way1 ,the1 #abe ,v ,v-a-s-e1 ,the1 #bjf ,vassar ,girl1 ,the1 #bbi ,village ,choir1 ,the1 #ajh ,village ,oracle1 ,the1 #fb ,virginius1 #bgg ,volunteer ,organist1 ,the1 #bhg ,w ,wade1 ,morris1 #adc ,wakin' the ,young ',uns1 #bdg ,watchin' the ,sparkin'1 #dj ,waterloo1 ,the ,eve of1 #bfi ,waterman1 ,nixon1 #eb ,way1 ,father's1 #bgb ,way1 ,the ,usual1 #abe ,way of a ,woman1 ,the1 #db ,weather ,fiend1 ,the1 #cd ,when ,greek ,meets ,greek1 #adj ,when ,ma ,lady ,yawns1 #ci ,when ,pa ,was a ,boy1 #ie ,when the ,woodbine ,turns ,red1 #ch ,whitman1 ,walt1 #bif ,widow ,malone1 #bbb ,william ,tell and ,his ,boy1 #bhb ,williamson1 ,h4 ,g41 #gf ,willie1 #ih ,wind and the ,moon1 ,the1 #aah ,woman1 ,the ,ways of a1 #db ,women of ,mumbles ,head1 ,the1 #bgi ,woodbine ,turns ,red1 ,when the1 #ch ,wreck of the ,julie ,plante1 ,the1 #bga ,y ,yacht ,club ,speech1 ,the1 #dc ,yarn of the ,nancy ,bell1 ,the1 #aeg ,yawns1 ,when ,ma ,lady1 #ci ,you ,git ,up61 #afa ,,how ,,to ,,develop ,power and ,personality ,,in ,,speaking ,by ,,grenville ,,kleiser ,author of ,how to ,speak in ,public4 ,introduction by ,lewis ,o4 ,brastow1 ,d4,d41 ,professor ,emeritus1 ,yale ,divinity ,school ,this new book gives practical suggestions and exercises for ,developing ,power and ,personality in ,speaking4 ,it has many selections for practise4 ,,power4--,power of ,voice--,power of ,gesture--,power of ,vocabulary-,power of ,imagination--,power of ,english ,style--,power of ,illustration--,power of ,memory--,power of ,extempore ,speech--,power of ,conversation--,power of ,silence--,power of a ,whisper--,power of the ,eye4 ,,personality4--,more ,personality for the ,lawyer--,the ,salesman--,the ,preacher--,the ,politician--,the ,physician--,the ,congressman--,the ,alert ,citizen4 ,i give it my hearty commendation4 ,it should take its place upon the library shelves of every public speaker2 be read carefully1 consulted frequently1 and held as worthy of faithful obedience4 ,for lack of the useful hints that here abound1 many men murder the truth by their method of presenting it4--,s4 ,,parkes ,,cadman1 ,d4,d41 ,brooklyn1 ,n4 ,y4 #abmo1 ,cloth1 #ddc ,pages4 #a4fj1 ,net2 by mail1 #a4gd ,,funk ,,wagnalls ,,company1 ,publishers ,,new ,,york ,,and ,,london 99 99 99 99 99 ,,how ,,to ,,speak ,,in ,,public ,a ,most ,suggestive and ,practical ,self-,instructor ,by ,,grenville ,,kleiser ,author of ,power and ,personality in ,speaking1 etc4 ,this new book is a complete elocutionary manual comprizing numerous exercises for developing the speaking voice1 deep breathing1 pronunciation1 vocal expression1 and gesture2 also selections for practise from masterpieces of ancient and modern eloquence4 ,it is intended for students1 teachers1 business men1 lawyers1 clergymen1 politicians1 clubs1 debating societies1 and1 in fact1 every one interested in the art of public speaking4 ,,outline ,,of ,,contents ,mechanics of ,elocution ,mental ,aspects ,public ,speaking ,selections for ,practise ,previous ,preparation ,physical ,preparation ,mental ,preparation ,moral ,preparation ,preparation of ,speech ,it is admirable and practical instruction in the technic of speaking1 and ,i congratulate you upon your thorough work4--,hon4 ,albert ,j4 ,beveridge4 ,the work has been very carefully and well compiled from a large number of our best works on the subject of elocution4 ,it contains many admirable suggestions for those who are interested in becoming better speakers4 ,as a general text for use in teaching public speaking1 it may be used with great success4--,john ,w4 ,wetzel1 formerly ,instructor in ,public ,speaking1 ,yale ,university1 ,new ,haven1 ,conn4 #abmo1 ,cloth4 #a4fj1 net2 post-paid1 #a4gd ,,funk ,,wagnalls ,,company1 ,publishers ,,new ,,york ,,and ,,london 99 99 99 99 99 ,,here',s ,a ,,merry ,,book ,,by ,a ,,merry ,,man ,,the ,,sunny ,,side ,,of ,,the ,,street ,by ,,marshall ,p4 ,,wilder ,author of ,smiling ',round the ,world ,his book--like ,american conversation--is made up of anecdotes4 ,he talks intimately of ,richard ,croker1 ,president ,mc,kinley1 ,president ,harrison1 ,joseph ,jefferson1 ,senator ,depew1 ,henry ,watterson1 ,gen4 ,horace ,porter1 ,augustin ,daly1 ,henry ,irving1 ,buffalo ,bill1 ,king ,edward ,,vii41 ,mrs4 ,langtry1 and a host of other personages1 large and small1 and medium-sized4 ,he tells many good stories4 ,we can recommend his book as cheerful reading4--,new ,york ,times4 ,what the editor thinks of it may be summed up in the statement that he uses it instead of calling the doctor4--,burlington ,hawk-,eye4 ,reading the book is like listening to a humorous lecture by ,marshall ,p4 ,wilder1 full of wit and brightness1 and it will cheer and comfort the most morose man or woman just to read it4--,baltimore ,american4 #abmo1 ,cloth4 ,humorous ,pen-and-,ink ,sketches by ,bart ,haley4 ,frontispiece ,portrait of ,mr4 ,wilder4 ,price #a4ej1 ,net2 ,post-,paid1 #a4fd ,,funk ,,wagnalls ,,company1 ,publishers ,,new ,,york ,,and ,,london 99 99 99 99 99 ,,another ,,roaring ,,fun ,,book6 ,,smiling ',,round ,,the ,,world ,by ,,marshall ,p4 ,,wilder ,author of ,the ,sunny ,side of the ,street ,laugh and the world laughs with you can be truly said of ,marshall ,p4 ,wilder1 the captivating entertainer of ,presidents1 ,kings1 ,princes1 and the great public4 ,as the ,hon4 ,chauncey ,m4 ,depew says1 ,his mirth is contagious1 and as the ,right ,hon4 ,henry ,labouchere remarked1 ,he makes melancholy fly apace4 ,you'll find laughs bubbling all through this new book4 ,,some ,,opinions ,,from ,,the ,,newspapers ,there are many cheerful1 amusing incidents of travel4 ,it is a very readable and entertaining book4--,democrat and ,chronicle1 ,rochester1 ,n4 ,y4 ,a marvelous lot of 'sunny stuff' is to be found in ,mr4 ,wilder's latest book4 ,he merrily prattles of a thousand different things and of as many different people4--,record1 ,philadelphia1 ,pa4 ,written in that bright1 breezy manner1 with its mingled touches of humor and pathos and keen scrutiny of human nature so characteristic of ,mr4 ,wilder4--,post1 ,boston1 ,mass4 #abmo1 ,cloth1 ,profusely ,illustrated4 ,price1 #a4ej1 ,net2 ,post-paid1 #a4fd ,,funk ,,wagnalls ,,company1 ,publishers ,,new ,,york ,,and ,,london