,,school-,,room ,,humour4 ,,dr4 ,,macnamara desires to thank the ,directors of the ,,schoolmaster for the right to use most of the stories which follow4 ,he desires also to thank his old friends1 the teachers up and down the country1 whose anecdotes he is presuming to put into print4 ,all rights reserved ,school-,room ,humour ,,by ,,dr4 ,,macnamara1 ,m4,p4 ,,third ,,edition ,faith is what makes you believe what you know to be untrue ,,truthful ,,james1 aged #aj ,,bristol ,j4 ,w4 ,,arrowsmith ,,ltd41 ,,quay ,,street ,,london ,,simpkin1 ,,marshall1 ,,hamilton1 ,,kent ,,company ,,limited #aiac ,first ,published #aije ,second ,edition 7enlarged7 #aijg ,third ,edition 7with picture cover7 #aiac ,,preface ,,to ,,the ,,second ,,edition4 ,the original ,edition of ,school-,room ,humour published two years ago gave so much pleasure to so many people that it has occurred to me that a new and enlarged edition may prove not entirely unacceptable4 ,i have therefore added the best from my collection since the first publication2 and now1 as then1 tender my thanks to the proprietors of the ,schoolmaster and to my friends the elementary school teachers4 ,t4 ,j4 ,,macnamara4 ,january1 #aijg4 ,,preface ,,to ,,the ,,third ,,edition4 ,school-,room ,humour having proved a constant source of enjoyment to an ever-widening public1 the ,publishers have pleasure in issuing a third edition1 revised1 and with a picture cover1 and trust that in its new dress the little book will continue to provide amusement for a large circle of readers4 ,september1 #aiac4 ,,contents4 ,,chapter ,i4 ,page ,a ,,little ,,general ,,disquisition #i ,,chapter ,,ii4 ,,children',s ,,witticisms ,,critically ,,considered #ad ,,chapter ,,iii4 ,a ,,budget ,,of ,,quaint ,,definitions #bh ,,chapter ,,iv4 ,i ,,now ,,take ,,my ,,pen ,,in ,,hand #ch ,,chapter ,v4 ,,the ,,religious ,,difficulty #gb ,,chapter ,,vi4 ,,the ,,fond ,,parent #hi ,,chapter ,,vii4 ,,little ,,scientists ,,at ,,sea #ig ,,chapter ,,viii4 ,a ,,miscellaneous ,,collection #aje ,school-,room ,humour4 ,,chapter ,i4 ,a ,,little ,,general ,,disquisition4 ,,teacher3 ,what does ,b4,c4 stand for8 ,,scholar3 ,before ,christ6 ,,teacher3 ,good6 ,now what does ,b4,a4 stand for8 ,,scholar3 ,before ,adam6 ,it is not to be denied that the life of the schoolmaster is always exacting1 usually tedious1 and occasionally irritating4 ,it is not to be denied that long-enduring patience1 untiring perseverance1 and philosophical resignation are only the first three of the many qualities essential to success4 ,but still the drudgery of teaching has its compensations4 ,and they are the more acceptable because of their rare charm4 ,there1 in the schoolmaster's keeping1 is the youthful mind4 ,what may he not do with it8 ,what forgetfulness of the dreary round of toil the very contemplation of the situation compels6 ,and when his task is achieved1 and the finished product of his labour has passed out into the world1 with what quiet and ineffable satisfaction the schoolmaster reflects upon the part he played in the making of men4 ,in the days of my schoolmastering ,i fell into this mood always--gently carried thence by some beneficent ministering angel--when wearied and worried at the close of the long day's toil2 and in that mood was more balm than in many sedatives and more sereneness than in much repose4 ,this is the schoolmaster's first great compensation4 ,but there is that other4 ,there is the agreeable amazement that the working of the fresh child-mind is always provoking4 ,and in this the schoolmaster is regularly furnished with food for pleasant reflection and for engaging conjecture day by day throughout the whole of his pedagogic career4 ,child-study and ,psychology have in recent times taken severely scientific shape1 and have fallen under the gis of ,government ,departments and into ,government ,syllabuses4 ,good6 ,but the least observant and the least interested of all the schoolmasters of the land1 long before the ,board of ,education ever added ,child-study to its quaint if not exactly terrifying terminology1 have never failed to arrive empirically at certain broad conclusions with regard to the child-mind which have been reached by practical and altogether delightful daily experiences4 ,heaven forbid that ,i should unduly weary the reader with disquisitions on these conclusions4 ,but1 at any rate1 ,i may acceptably rehearse some of the experiences4 ,now ,i admit at once that very many of the artlessly amusing things which are alleged to have been uttered by that prime unconscious humorist1 the schoolboy1 are quite apocryphal4 ,they have been ingeniously excogitated by their unabashed and artful elders for the purpose of creating a laugh4 ,they used to say that quill pens survived in the office of the ,board of ,education in order that the ,inspectors and other officials1 in the operation of persistently trimming them1 might never be without something to do4 ,that is absurd4 ,there is always the profitable preoccupation of manufacturing funny puerile answers to inspectorial hypothetical questions4 ,why not8 ,the proceeding is innocent enough4 ,but it does tend to make one incredulous4 ,for example1 ,i was once told that a ,london ,board ,school child defined a lie as an abomination in the sight of the ,lord1 but a very present help in time of trouble4 ,it is possible1 remotely possible4 ,but it is extremely unlikely4 ,then when ,i am told that a youngster described the liver as an infernal organ1 ,i see visions of a not fully-occupied civil servant suffering acutely from an attack of chronic indigestion which has put him badly off his drive4 ,so1 too1 when ,i am told that a ,bristol youngster once wrote1 ,the bowels are five in number1 namely a1 e1 i1 o and u1 like the ,scotsman1 ,i hae ma doots6 ,then there is the classic answer to the question3 ,what proof have we from the ,bible that it is not lawful to have more than one wife--,because it says no man can serve two masters6 ,no child ever said that4 ,and belonging to the same category is the following4 ,the teacher asked3 ,if one man walking at the rate of three miles an hour gets half an hour's start of another man walking at the rate of four miles an hour1 when will the second man overtake the first8 ,the allegation is that the small boy replied3 ,please1 sir1 at the first public-house6 ,but ,i know that small boy4 ,he is a wag1 it is true2 but he doesn't wear knickerbockers4 ,so far as possible1 therefore1 ,i will endeavour to reject the apocryphal in favour of the authentic1 giving the former the benefit of the doubt1 of course1 if on its merits the humour of the anecdote seems to condone the illegitimacy of its origin4 ,,chapter ,,ii4 ,,children',s ,,witticisms ,,critically ,,considered4 ,a focus is a thing that looks like a mushroom1 but if you eat it you will feel different to a mushroom4--,,small ,,girl4 ,of course children's witticisms are always unconscious4 ,they have taken the idiomatic quite literally3 not quite caught our meaning2 missed the right word in favour of another that is curiously like it in sound4 ,reasonably enough the idiom is extremely troublesome to the child-mind4 ,the doctor says my mother has one foot in the grave1 wrote a little girl the other day in a ,composition ,exercise4 ,that is not true4 ,she has both feet in bed6 ,again1 if people will talk about going it bald-headed1 or about being stony-hearted or iron-fisted or brazen-faced1 and so on1 they must naturally expect young children to accept the phraseology in its literal sense4 ,hence amusing misconceptions4 ,again1 as ,i say1 it is often a question of not having quite got the right word4 ,having mumbled ,the ,lord's ,prayer every day for a year or so1 we ultimately get the young ,cockney who is found to be rendering ,lead us not into temptation as ,lead us not into ,thames ,station--a ,london police court shunned of all good costers and others4 ,so too1 taught that the ,epiphany is a ,manifestation1 we condone readily the mistake of the little girl who1 to her teacher's complete and abiding mystification1 insisted that the ,epiphany was the-man-at-the-station6 ,owing its origin to the same sort of misconception is the genuinely funny answer of the boy who wrote1 ,the marriage customs of the ancient ,greeks were that a man had only one wife1 and this was called ,monotony6 ,then1 again1 the child-mind is absolutely fresh and alert4 ,it is to the adult mind as is the plastic clay to the baked brick4 ,it is not already overlaid with impressions2 it is not restricted in its elasticity by the petrifying effects of already-received preconceptions2 it is refreshingly new and instantly impressionable4 ,it is because of this that a youngster wrote3 ,a vacuum is nothing shut up in a box4 ,it is because of this1 too1 that the little girl said3 ,the zebra is like a horse1 only striped and used to illustrate the letter ,z4 ,owing its origin to the same freshness of view1 we get the following3 ,two children being awakened one morning and being told that they had a new little brother1 were keen1 as children are1 to know whence and how he had come4 ,it must have been the milkman1 said the girl4 ,why the milkman8 asked her little brother4 ,because it says on his cart1 ',families supplied1' replied the sister4 ,not less quaintly ingenuous and fresh is the reply of a little chap in a ,nature-study lesson4 ,think1 said the teacher1 of a little creature that wriggles about in the earth and sometimes comes to the top through a tiny hole4 ,a small boy in a pinafore put up his hand joyously4 ,well8 queried the teacher4 ,a worm1 said the small boy4 ,yes1 said the teacher1 now think of another little creature that wriggles about in the earth and comes to the top through a small hole4 ,up went the joyous hand again4 ,well8 asked the teacher4 ,another worm6 shouted ,tommy in triumph4 ,the workings of the child-mind1 the quaint1 homely wisdom and shrewdness that it not infrequently displays1 and the pathos that--so far as the working-class children are concerned--it so often discovers1 are engrossingly interesting4 ,take the case of the reply to the ,inspector who1 putting a ,mental ,arithmetic question1 asked3 ,if ,i had three glasses of beer on this table and your father came in and drank one1 how many would be left8 ,none1 sir1 at once replied a very small urchin4 ,but you don't understand my question1 retorted the inspector1 proceeding to repeat it4 ,this he did several times1 always receiving the same unwavering assurance1 ,none1 sir6 ,at last he said3 ,ah1 my boy1 it is clear you don't know mental arithmetic4 ,but ,i know my father1 answered the boy4 ,again1 there is the instance of the little chap driven into desperation and escaping by a wild stretch of the imagination4 ,who made the world8 snapped out a rather testy inspector years ago to a class of very small boys4 ,no answer4 ,several times he repeated the question1 getting louder and more angry each time4 ,at last a poor little fellow1 kneading his eyes vigorously with his knuckles1 blubbered out3 ,please1 sir1 it was me4 ,but ,i won't do it any more6 ,which recalls to me the old ,scotch chestnut3 ,why did the priest and the ,levite pass by on the other side1 child8 ,because the puir man had been robbed already6 was the reply4 ,much of the school-room humour purveyed for the delectation of us elders by the unconscious wits of the schoolroom is provoked by quaint pieces of ,composition4 ,of these ,i give later a number4 ,one of the most amusing is that by a young lady in the ,sixth ,standard1 who very frankly and faithfully expresses her views on ,schoolmasters4 ,she writes so candidly1 that ,i produce her essay here as a wholesome corrective to professional vanity and as an acute witness to the necessity to see ourselves as others see us3-- ,schoolmasters are a class of people who have a tendency to a bad temper1 and who are generally armed with a cane4 ,we have a very good sample at our school1 for we have a schoolmaster who is1 as a rule1 'better in health than temper1' especially when we have ,geography4 ,to hear most schoolmasters talk you would think that they never did wrong in their lives2 and1 of course1 they will tell you that when they went to school they never used to talk1 and they never got the stick2 but whether they used to talk in school or not ,i do not know4 ,all ,i can say is1 that they can talk like magpies when they are outside4 ,well1 ,i suppose we must have schoolmasters1 or we should all be very ignorant indeed----4 ,much fun is got out of the weird and fearfully contrived ,notes which teachers receive from the poorer working-class parents4 ,i have not dwelt much on these1 as ,i never see one of these ,notes without feeling more inclined to cry than to laugh4 ,if the ,state had known and had done its duty earlier there would be less melancholy fun in these self-same parental ,notes4 ,i will only dare to reproduce two here3-- ,pleas ,sur1 ,jonnie was kep home to day4 ,i have had twins4 ,it shant ocur again4 ,yours truely ,mrs4 ,smith4 ,the other is given in the stories which follow2 but it is worth repeating3-- ,plese excuse mary being late as she as been out on a herring6 ,it is the fact1 and it is not altogether to be wondered at1 that the ,scripture lesson is a prime source of juvenile undoing4 ,the proper names used are so hard and unfamiliar1 and the scope of the subject is so often so far beyond the children's capacity1 that the wonder is that the misconceptions and errors are so few4 ,then1 again1 the children mostly learn their ,scripture texts and so on viva voce from the teacher4 ,many repetitions cause them to distort the words2 and then when they come to write them down the result is1 not to put too fine a point upon it1 as ,mr4 ,snagsby would say1 startling4 ,the classical instance is that given in the report of the ,newcastle ,commission on the ,condition of ,elementary ,education in #ahee4 ,the questions were3 ,what is thy duty towards ,god8 and ,what is thy duty towards thy neighbour8 ,here are the two answers given by the ,commissioners3-- ,my duty toads ,god is to bleed in ,him1 to fering and to loaf withold your arts1 withold my mine1 withold my sold1 and with my sernth1 to whirchp and give thanks1 to put my old trash in ,him1 to call upon ,him1 to onner ,his old name and ,his world1 and to save ,him truly all the days of my life's end4 ,my dooty toads my nabers1 to love him as thyself1 and to do to all men as ,i wed thou shall and to me2 to love onner1 and suke my farther and mother2 to onner and to bay the ,queen and all that are pet in a forty under her2 to smit myself to all my gooness1 teaches1 sportial pastures1 and marsters1 c41 c4 ,one of the funniest of mistakes made by the daily verbal reiteration of phrases neither understood nor seen in black and white is the story of the boy who came back from a visit to an aquarium and was very disappointed that they had not shown him the timinies4 ,after some cross-examination the mystery was cleared up4 ,it will be fully appreciated if ,i recite the fact that in six days the ,lord made heaven and earth1 the sea1 and all that in them is4 ,what ,i may1 for lack of a better definition1 describe as an oblique method of applying what those very learned and very dull people the ,psychologists call the ,principle of ,association of ,ideas is another fruitful source of laughable errors4 ,for instance1 teach a child that tigress is the feminine of tiger2 now proceed to tell it that a fort is a place in which soldiers live2 the odds are that if you ask it at once what a fortress is it will say that it is a place for soldiers' wives to live in6 ,so it will tell you that ,shero is the feminine of ,hero1 and ,madam of ,adam6 ,you may also get ,buttress as the wife of a ,butler4 ,certainly ,i have seen ,pedigree is a ,schoolmaster1 and ,filigree is a list of your descendants6 ,tell a youngster that an optician is a person who looks after your eyes and then ask what a pessimist is1 the odds are some little gamin will reply1 ,a person who looks after your feet1 or your hands1 or your ears1 or your legs1 as the fancy strikes him4 ,describe an ,apostle and then say1 ,now what's an ,epistle8 and you may get1 ,the wife of an ,apostle4 ,you may also get ,primate as the wife of a ,prime ,minister4 ,it is very curious to note how children are attracted by ,mr4 ,chamberlain4 ,he and ,king ,edward are the two public men whose names appear most often in their ,pieces of ,composition4 ,such men as the ,prime ,minister1 the ,duke of ,devonshire1 and even ,lord ,rosebery--always popular figures with adults--have no attractions for the youngsters4 ,indeed1 ,mr4 ,chamberlain provokes one of the funniest things in the whole of the anecdotes which ,i have ventured to relate4 ,he is a man1 writes a young hopeful1 who broke out among other people6 ,isn't that just delicious8 ,i am half inclined to think that the distinguished ,parliamentarian who just now leads the ,house of ,commons would utter a fervent ,hear6 hear6 were that simple and yet striking answer rehearsed to him4 ,what quiet humour1 too1 there is in that rare definition of ,etc43 ,it is a sign used to make believe you know more than you do6 ,take1 again1 the reason given for ,david's preference4 ,why would he rather be a doorkeeper in the house of the ,lord8 ,because he could walk about outside while the sermon was being preached6 ,could anything be more convincing8 ,or take1 again1 that rare new axiom that outeuchres ,euclid3 ,when you are in the middle you are half over6 ,did ever the self-evident truth stand more completely foursquare and without need of proof8 ,still again1 take the reason given for putting a hyphen between bird and cage3 ,for the bird to perch on6 ,not less conclusive is the little one's reply in the lesson on ,the elephant and his trunk4 ,now my dear1 says the amiable and hopeful infants' mistress1 you shall tell me what your nose is for4 ,us haves it to wipe1 miss6 ,which recalls the rough1 commonsense reproof which a ,roman ,catholic priest once gave a distinguished inspector who was examining a class of ragged little ,standard ,,ii4 gamins in a poor town school in the western country3 ,what1 boys1 he asked1 is the function of a verb8 ,blank silence reigned until the priest stepped up to the inspector and said sotto voce3 ,you are an old ass----6 ,it's as much as we can do here to get these youngsters to stand upright and keep their noses clean6 ,but let me without further running--and more or less impertinent--comment try to classify my budget of anecdotes and let them speak for themselves4 ,i will only add to this critical comment the fact that the stories which follow have been collected assiduously and stored up jealously during the thirty years ,i have been connected with schoolmastering either as ,board ,school teacher1 a ,london ,school ,board member1 or as editor of the organ of the ,national ,union of ,teachers1 ,the ,schoolmaster1 in the columns of which journal most of them have from time to time appeared4 ,,chapter ,,iii4 ,a ,,budget ,,of ,,quaint ,,definitions4 ,,teacher3 ,name the head of the ,english ,church4 ,,alfred ,,the ,,small3 ,the ,archipelago of ,canterbury6 ,i shall endeavour1 as far as possible1 to classify my collection of stories4 ,and in pursuance of this purpose ,i cannot1 perhaps1 do better than start out with some quaint definitions4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,with ,a ,,ring ,,of ,,triumph4--,a class of infants was being taught a recitation in which the word battledore occurred4 ,the teacher asked if any child knew the meaning4 ,only one child raised his hand1 and1 with a ring of triumph in his voice1 gave the answer3 ,a door what a soldier comes out of4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,what ,,they ,,call ,a ,,watershed4--,asked to write a definition of ,a ,watershed one potential ,christopher ,columbus wrote3 ,a watershed is a thing that when the soil in part of a river stands straight up on one side and slants tremendously the other side1 the water is obliged to go up the soil on one side and come slanting down the other side--that is what they call a watershed4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,new ,,view ,,of ,,the ,,constitution4--,a ,limited ,monarchy1 wrote a small boy1 is a government by a monarchy1 who in case of bankruptcy would not be responsible for the entire national debt4 ,in private life you have the same thing with a ,limited ,liability ,company4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,concerning ,,the ,,heretic4--,a ,heretic1 wrote a practical young person1 is one who never would believe what he was told1 but only after seeing it and hearing it himself with his own eyes4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,not ,,so ,,far ,,out4--,the ,court of ,chancery1 wrote another1 is called this because they take care of property there on the chance of an owner turning up4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,short ,,title ,,and ,,description4--,the ,five ,mile ,act was passed1 according to one youthful historian1 by ,queen ,victoria to prevent loafing and drunkenness in public-houses4 ,people must prove that they had travelled five miles before they would be supplied with beer and spirits4 ,this made people ashamed to get so drunk as before4 ,the youthful essayist is clearly muddling the bona fide traveller clause with the provisions of a much more ancient statute4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,rough ,,on ,,the ,,barber4--,teacher 7after class had read of ,st4 ,paul's adventures among the barbarians of ,melita73 ,what is a ,barbarian8 ,pupil3 ,a man who cuts hair1 sir6 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,new ,,axiom4--,in the ,euclid lesson the teacher asked1 after explaining the meaning of ,an ,axiom1 if a boy could give one of his own4 ,a lad replied3 ,when you are in the middle you are half-way over4 ,and who shall say him nay8 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,mediator4--,well1 ,john1 asked the master1 what is a ,mediator8 ,john's face beamed knowingly3 ,a fellow who says hit me instead6 he promptly retorted4 99 99 99 99 99 ,b4,a46--,during a reading lesson1 taken from ,standard ,,iii4 ,historical ,reader1 the pupil teacher asked what the letters ,b4,c4 represented4 ,on receiving the answer ,before ,christ1 she ventured to improve the opportunity by asking for the meaning of other abbreviations1 amongst which was ,b4,a4 ,a little girl at once said3 ,before ,adam6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,etc46--,what do we imply when we use this abbreviation8 asked the teacher4 ,it is a sign1 said a young one very sententiously1 which is used to make believe you know more than you really do6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,painted ,,on ,,the ,,water-,,carts4--,what is a ,martyr8 asked the inspector4 ,a water-cart4 ,a water-cart8 ,yes1 sir4 ,the inspector was puzzled2 but after long cogitation he recalled the fact that he was in the parish of ,st4 ,george the ,martyr4 ,this parish does its own contracting1 and the boy has seen ,st4 ,george the ,martyr painted on the water-carts4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,what ,,is ,a ,,zebra8--,a class of ,standard ,,ii4 in a small town in ,westmoreland was once questioned about the zebra4 ,there seemed to be a great lack of knowledge about it1 and the young teacher strove with heroic patience to draw some answer from his pupils4 ,great was the delight of both teacher and class on receiving the following apt definition from one of their number3 ,please1 sir1 it's like a donkey with a ,kendal ,hornet's jersey on4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,jography4--,well1 little boys1 and what is ,geography8 beamed the inspector1 after getting correctly some names of rivers1 mountains1 c4 ,no answer for two minutes by the clock4 ,then one timid hand is raised in answer to the question3 ,please1 sir1 jography is a ball on which we live6 ,this recalls the story of the boy who was asked for a proof that the world is round4 ,his answer was3 ,it says in the ,bible1 ,world without end6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,true ,,both ,,ways4--,some years ago1 writes a teacher1 ,i used to take ,standard ,i4 on ,wednesday afternoons for a talk on the subject of ,geography4 ,i had on one occasion a magnet and a compass1 and was amusing the little ones with the magnet4 ,they seemed to have some idea of the meaning and use of the compass1 and it occurred to me whether they knew what a mariner was1 so ,i asked them4 ,no answer4 ,after some time one precocious very small boy ventured3 ,please1 sir1 it's a young man what goes after a young ooman4 ,query3 a-marrying her4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,touching ,,the ,,equator4--,what1 demanded the inspector1 is the ,equator8 ,the ,equator1 said one ingenious hopeful1 is a menagerie lion running round the centre of the earth4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,about ,,the ,,stretcher4--,a ,london infant school4 ,the ,raising of the ,widow's ,son4 ,illustrations1 ,religious ,tract ,society ,scripture ,roll4 ,story told by teacher4 ,pointing to the bier3 ,what is he lying on8 ,ans43 ,a stretcher4--,ques43 ,what is a stretcher8 ,ans43 ,wot lydies rides on when they gets drunk6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,ten ,,brief ,,ones4--,the ,chartists were men who compelled ,king ,john to sign ,magna ,charta4--,the ,luddites were shells fired by the ,boers4--,sir ,joseph ,chamberlain invented fiscal policy1 and generally wears an orchard in his coat4--,by the ,salic ,law no woman can become ,king4--,wat ,tyler was the leader of the ,pheasants' ,revolt4--,the ,channel ,islands consist of ,jersey1 ,gansey1 ,alderman1 and ,shark4--,quid pro quo means paying a sovereign for goods of the given value6--,poetry is when every line begins with a capital letter4--,parliament is a place where they go up to ,london to talk about ,birmingham6--,the principal parts of the eye are the pupil1 the moat1 and the beam4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,some ,,ingenious ,,ones4--,ques43 ,what are ,bacteria8 ,ans43 ,a kind of chair for invalids4--,ques43 ,what is meant by the term celestial pole8 ,ans43 ,a heavenly perch4--,ques43 ,which is the first and great ,commandment8 ,ans43 ,hang all the law and the prophets6--,ques43 ,what is ,lava8 ,ans43 ,the stuff a barber puts on your face4--,teacher 7pointing to an oblique line73 ,what kind of line is that8 ,scholar3 ,a hori-slant-al line4--,teacher3 ,what does the abdomen contain8 ,scholar3 ,the stomach1 liver1 and interestines4--,teacher3 ,what did the doctor say about your throat8 ,scholar3 ,he said ,i must not eat any solemn food4--,teacher3 ,who was ,guy ,fawkes8 ,first ,pupil3 ,guy ,fox was a man who tried to destroy ,parliament4 7,girl's answer47 ,second ,pupil3 ,guy ,forks is a man made by another man4 7,boy's answer47--,teacher3 ,say what you know about ,columbus4 ,scholar3 ,columbus saw two blue-eyed ,saxon boys in the market-place to be sold as slaves4 ,he turned away with his heart full of thoughts4--,ques43 ,who is ,mr4 ,chamberlain8 ,ans43 ,a man who broke out among other people4--,ques43 ,what is a ,bay8 ,ans43 ,a ,bay's a piece of land1 which the sea has washed away and made a hollow4--,ques43 ,who were the ,lollards8 ,ans43 ,the ,lollards were men who used to sing in the streets4--,ques43 ,who was ,cardinal ,wolsey8 ,ans43 ,cardinal ,wolsey was a haughty prelate4 ,he permitted his hat to be carried before him on a cushion4--,ques43 ,who was ,cranmer8 ,ans43 ,cranmer was ,archbishop of ,oxford ,university1 and was burnt at a steak4--,ques43 ,in what character was ,mrs4 ,scott-,siddons painted by ,gainsborough8 ,ans43 ,the tragic mouse4--,ques43 ,what do you understand by the ,salic ,law8 ,ans43 ,the ,salic ,law forbade any man descended from a woman inheriting the throne4--,ques43 ,what are the chief mountains of ,scotland8 ,ans43 ,ben ,nevis1 ,ben ,lomond1 and ,ben ,jonson4--,ques43 ,how many senses have we8 ,name them4 ,ans43 ,we have two senses1 wrong and right4--,ques43 ,how is silence expressed in music8 ,ans43 ,silence in music is expressed by putting your feet on the paddles4--,ques43 ,what is a blizzard8 ,ans43 ,the inside of a fowl4 ,,chapter ,,iv4 ,i ,,now ,,take ,,my ,,pen ,,in ,,hand4 ,a policeman passes4 ,,smith ,,minor1 aged #i3 ,i shall be a bobby when ,i grow up6 ,,smith ,,major1 aged #aa3 ,no6 my dear child4 ,you'll never have the feet for it6 ,the curious workings of the child-mind are nowhere more conspicuously illustrated than in the little essays and pieces of composition which they are set to write4 ,of course many of the children in the poorer elementary schools possess only a very limited and very primitive vocabulary4 ,hence1 when they adventure upon rather long and unfamiliar words--conscientiously trying to reproduce what they have just heard the teacher say in the general verbal description of the story to be committed by them to paper--they often achieve fantastic results4 ,but far more interesting is the fresh and original view of a given situation which emerges4 ,far more interesting1 too1 are the homely wit and the shrewd wisdom which these wholly delightful little efforts display4 ,let these attest4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,it ,,would ,,be ,,worth ,,it4--,what would you do with #e8 having been set to a class of girls1 the following was one of the forthcoming replies3 ,dear ,teacher1--,if ,i had five pounds of my very own to do just what ,i like with1 ,i should go on a railway journey and pull the alarm signal and just see what really would happen4 ,of course the five pounds would go to pay the fine2 but ,i think it would be worth it4--,i remain your loving ----4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,man',s ,,cleverness4--,in a composition on ,man a boy wrote1 among other things3 ,man is the only animal that can strike a light1 and also he is the only animal that blows his nose4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,why ,,they ,,punch ,,the ,,ticket4--,in a piece of composition on ,a ,railway ,journey a girl writes3 ,you have to get a ticket1 which is a piece of paper1 and you give it to a man1 who cuts a hole in it to let you pass through4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,gunpowder ,,plot4--,gunpowder plot1 wrote a nine-year-old youngster1 died in the year #afjc4 ,they gave ,guyfawlks #ajj of pounds for to blow up the parlament4 ,gunpowder plot married ,sir ,philp ,sidny4 ,gunpowder plot had a battle with ,guyfawlks4 ,guyfawlks wone the battle4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,should ,,make ,a ,,good ,,journalist4--,the other day ,i told my class 7,standard ,,vii47 to write me an account of an imaginary expedition to the ,north ,pole4 ,here is an extract from one paper3 ,at last1 we reached the ,north ,pole4 ,we sailed into the harbour and went to see the town6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,concerning ,,the ,,pig4--,standard ,v4 ,boy3 ,a pig when living has four legs1 but when you kill it the butcher says it only has two1 because he calls the front legs shoulders and the back legs are called hams4 ,ham tastes nice1 and they boil it to eat at a wedding4 ,the missus sprinkles little bits of toast on it to make it look pretty4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,concerning ,,hares 7,standard ,,iii4 ,composition74--,young hairs are called leveretts4 ,hairs sleep much4 ,they always sleep with their eyes open4 ,hairs have no eyelashes4 ,their four legs are shorter than their hind legs4 ,their ear-ring is remarkably good4 ,hairs pass their lives in soletude and silents4 ,they are often hunted on horseback and by hownds4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,on ,,an ,,insect4--,an insect's body is made up of ringed segments4 ,when we tread on beetles we hear them crack1 that is the segments4 ,insects have not red blood it is a sort of white liquid squas a fly and you will see what colour blood it has4 ,the fly likes to lay its eggs in meat where the maggots will have food for she must die soon and will not be able to feed her brood4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,camel 7by a beginner74--,its nest is a very mean one1 made of twigs1 leaves1 c4 ,it has a large body1 and it is able to carry it full of water4 ,it has two humps of fat on its back1 on which it is able to feed when it is hungry4 ,its feet are webbed1 in which it is able to cross the desert4 ,its air is used to make brushes which are used for painting4 ,it also lays eggs4 ,it eats worms4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,salvation ,,army 7,standard ,,iv474--,the ,salvation ,army is mostly on the street4 ,the women in it cover up all their hair with funny sorts of bonnets that stick out in front to keep the rain off their faces4 ,sometimes they have names on their hats like sailors4 ,they make a deal of noise the worsed two is called captain and leftennant4 ,they tell people about ,jesus and make collections4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,gibraltar4--,gibraltar is a strait on the west coast of ,france4 ,it is famous for a beautiful rock4 ,it is about one mile wide and five miles long4 ,the ,english people took ,gibraltar1 and they placed a great many big guns there4 ,there are a great many people at ,gibraltar called apes4 ,and the other people are very proud of them because they are the only apes in ,gibraltar4 ,it is said they came from ,america4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,alcohol ,,and ,,the ,,blood4--,of what is our blood composed1 and what effect has alcohol upon it8 ,this was the question4 ,the following is the written answer3 ,it is made up of five million red insects and one thousand white ones to every drop of blood4 ,if alcohol is taken it causes these insects to dry up and die and come to the front of the body4 ,sometimes it is from this cause that people who drink alcohol are red in the face4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,ancient ,,britons4--,it was the first year of compulsory composition1 and ,standard ,,iii4 were asked to reproduce a lesson on the ,ancient ,britons in their own words4 ,one young hopeful wrote3 ,the acient britons had no close on1 they painted a wode on there body and it kept them a bit warm1 there chief men was called druids and my farther is one1 they call them acient britons becose it is a long time since4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,perseverance4 ,essayist aged #aj4--,were theirs a will theirs a way4 ,this is a very old proverb that has to do with what ,i'm writing4 ,if we nearly always succeed we always is getting on1 but if we don't succeed1 we should try till we dose and then we should do it again which is a very wise way to persever4 ,people who sits down never gets on and ,people who gets on dont sit down4 ,we should all get on because it is the best thing to do at all times4 ,we will have trails 7trials87 but we must try again until them trails is gone4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,touching ,,bread4--,the exercise was1 ,write an essay on ,bread4 ,the following was the result3 ,bread is made with flour and barm and is very useful4 ,it is used for the people to eat and feeds them right4 ,the bread gets cheapper every year sometimes4 ,the bread as raised this year4 ,but the people says it is getting the right weather4 ,the bread is needed up by men and women4 ,it is best when the men make the bread4 ,some of the women says that brown bread is good for their health4 ,bread is sometimes used for bread potises4 ,bread is a useful food escpecially the crust4 ,but crust is the best for to make peoples hair curel4 ,bread is used for making sop for children4 ,the bread is made with flour1 barm1 and water4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,japanese ,,lad',s ,,diary4--,this is an extract from a diary kept by a ,japanese boy who1 when he wrote it1 was a pupil of an ,english school in ,china4 ,the boy was sixteen years of age1 and had been studying ,english for two and a half years3--#aith ,january4--,i was up before the school's clock struck six4 ,on going to the washing chamber ,i found that the day was not very severe4 ,i went to my cover 7cupboard7 and obtained the soap and sponge2 the water was not so cold as previous days1 but as usual when ,i finished washing my fingers lost sense4 ,i dressed myself and rang the bell at #g o'clock punctually4 ,at about #aj minutes past #g ,mr4 ,a4 wanted me4 ,he wished me to descend the stairs and command the boy 7chief house servant7 to attend to him and also to see whether the fire was made in the studio4 ,i obeyed implicity1 but just as ,i was descending the stairs ,i caught sight of the boy1 so immediately told him to go to ,mr4 ,a42 the fire was already made in downstairs4 ,i rang the second bell and went into the dormitory to see all the boys4 ,they were then all out of beds and dressing1 there was nobody late4 ,the bell was rang at #h o'clock and we had finished our repast at half past4 ,the school bell was rang at quarter to nine and ,mr4 ,b4 took us in4 ,the head master then came down4 ,i learned copying1 mathematics1 algebra1 composition4 ,our ball was fix by the ,tiffin time1 so we blew it up and had a fine game4 ,the school began again at two4 ,shorthand1 book-keeping1 grammar1 were the subjects of that afternoon4 ,at four all the scholars came out4 ,the football was then in the playground1 attended by several boys4 ,i joined in with ,mr4 ,a4 who sided with me4 ,a ,french-school lad appeared at the gate and was discussing with ,brown4 ,i did not know what were they disputing until ,brown called me and told that he came as a messenger from the above school to say that they like to challenge us to play football4 ,i thought it would be very pleasant to have a game with them so ,i said we will be able to accept the challenge4 ,we thought it well to take ,mr4 ,a4 and ,mr4 ,b41 and told them about it4 ,the messenger went away to make enquiry about it4 ,i went with him and ask if they agree willingly1 they told me they should have ,mr4 ,c4 if we take the above two4 ,i came home and diffused among the fellows that ,i have heard4 ,brown said that it would be much better to withhold ,mr4 ,a4 and ,b41 but ,i gave no answer to it4 ,the evening came4 ,a friend called upon me1 and said that he was going to bestow upon me his photo4 ,i accompanied him1 and was delighted at the receipt of his image4 ,i came home with it1 and delighted to hear the dinner-bell4 ,at half past seven our dinner was over1 and ,i rang the night school-bell4 ,all came into the studio 7school7 and did their work4 ,at nine o'clock ,i went up and jumped into bed to become oblivious4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,an ,,essay ,,on ,,an ,,election4--,during a recent ,district ,council election a great deal of enthusiasm was shown in this place4 ,two days after a teacher gave her class 7,standard ,,vii47 an essay to write on ,an ,election4 ,the essay which follows is a complete and word-for-word copy of the effort of one of the girls in the class3 ,an election means two things4 ,first1 the voice of the people spoken by choosing the most eligible person or persons to represent their creed1 requirements1 or grievances4 ,secondly1 an election means lies1 treachery1 hypocrisy1 drunkenness1 anxiety1 disappointment1 and glorification4 ,god save us from having another for twelve months4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,hat',s ,,autobiography4--,fancy yourself an old hat1 said the teacher4 ,now write about yourself4 ,result3 ,i am an old hat telling you all about me4 ,i am trimmed with velvet1 and when any one take me out the people stand in the doorway laughing at me1 and ,i am not pleased with them4 ,i dont turn sulky like some boy's and girls do when any one call them4 ,my hat is trimmed with green velvet1 satan1 flowers1 cherries1 and a large hostrige feather4 ,when ,i go out the cherries in my hat tieses the birds4 ,i was bought in a large hat shop in leeds4 ,i was bought in a shop down briggate4 ,it cost more than six shillings4 ,i think ,i have told you all ,i know1 and so ,i will say no more at present4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,at ,,the ,,menagerie4--,describe1 said the teacher1 in a letter to a friend1 your visit yesterday to the menagerie4 ,here is one of the letters3 ,dear ,fred1--,about a week ago ,i went to a manajery in our town4 ,the price to pay was tuppence and it was well worth the money4 ,their were a great number of animals4 ,the animals what made the biggest row was the ,kings of the beasts and a wild cat they had got4 ,their were a cage full of monkeys which was doing funny tricks1 some was catching fleas and eating them4 ,their was a ,elephant and a ,kamel that give rides for a penny4 ,stodgy ,mathers tumbled of and made his nose bleed1 he did howl4 ,there was various kinds of birds1 such as the vulture1 the ,golden eagle and kangaroo1 besides macaws and other ferocious animals4 ,there was an horse4 ,it had a main #ac feet long worth #ajjjj4 ,the man what entered the ,lions den was the tamer4 ,he was dressed in tites4 ,when he went in he closed the door quick for fear they should spring out and devour the people4 ,he soon made the lions do whatever they like4 ,lions are ferocious animals4 ,the colour of the lion is yellow1 also brown1 though some are also red4 ,tigers are no use only to eat up men and called the maneater1 likewise women and little babys1 besides others4 ,if a man was to meet a tiger in a lonely forest he would never forget it4 ,the elephant is remarkable for its prodijous strenth4 ,its trunk is useful to drink up and eating4 ,their was also a policeman at the door to keep disordered people and children out of mischief4 ,policemen are useful things when on duty4 ,the colour of them is blue with a big helmet on4 ,in a cage up a corner sat a grilla eating1 and which its teeth is very sharp1 and its claws4 ,i saw some lepords and a zebra and a funny lobsided thing called a giraf4 ,i saved my penny and bought some nuts which ,i gave the monkeys4 ,one big faced fellow was so greedy he swallowed one of my nuts whole and it nearly choked him4 ,he rubbed his stummick and choked and grasped for breath until the tears rolled down his cheeks4 ,i thought ,i should die laughing4 ,greediness never prospers4 ,i also witnessed a fight between an hyeena and a wolf4 ,wolfs is ferocious animals4 ,it was amusing to watch two monkeys fighting over a ginger bread4 ,the biggest caught the other by the tail and dropped him on the floor with a crash on his head4 ,i left then and went home and had a good tea4--your respectably1 ----4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,on ,,government4--,the exercise was an essay ,on ,government--after1 of course1 a little disquisition by the teacher4 ,the result3--,our country has a ,king who can't do anything but what he ought to4 ,there were ,georges ,i41 ,,ii41 ,,iii41 and ,,iv41 but there was eight ,henrys4 ,there is also houses called the ,houses of ,parliament4 ,one of these is full of lords1 called the ,house of ,lords1 but the other is only built for them gentlemen as perhaps you have seen some of them and it is called the ,house of ,common4 ,no gentlemen can get in there unless they know as he can make laws4 ,but the ,king has to look them over and see as they are made right4 ,these ,commons are called ,conservatives and ,liberals1 and they try and hinder one another as much as they can4 ,they sometimes have sides1 and then you see it on the plackards1 and you can hear men and your fathers a talking quarrelling about it4 ,our country is governed a lot better than ,france1 and ,germany comes about next4 ,then there's a lot of others1 and then comes ,persia4 ,our country allways comes first1 whoever you like to ask4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,babies4--,write me a piece of composition on ,babies1 said the teacher4 ,here is a boy's effort on1 to him1 an obviously uncongenial topic3--,babys are little red things without bones nor teeth4 ,they have various sises1 but just after they are borned1 they are called bypeds2 their bones are grisle4 ,they are #b sects1 male and female2 and are also very fat4 ,when very young they do not have much hair2 so you cannot tell wether they will turn into boys or girls until their hair grows4 ,they are always asleep only when crying4 ,they feed them on milk1 or chue a injyrubber tit1 also their thum4 ,when they are very little1 they ware pettycoats same as girls2 but boys soon wear jacket and trowsers4 ,girls are softer than boys1 so they have to keep on wearing pettycoats1 frocks1 and c41 all their lives4 ,some babys have to be borned1 and the doctor brings some1 when the people have got plenty of money4 ,women and girls go silly over babys1 and kiss them all over1 and say silly things4 ,that's why girls have dolls when they haven't any little brothers4 ,everybody as to be a baby first4 ,once1 before ,i can remember1 ,i was a little baby4 ,mother says1 when ,i had my furst trowser suit on1 she put me on the table in frunt of the looking glass1 and when ,i seen myself in the mirrow1 ,i screamed out1 ',take them off6' ',take them off6' ',it isnt me6 ,it isnt me6' and they had to take them off4 ,that's all ,i know about babys4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,rival ,,views4--,one day1 recently1 a teacher gave for composition to the boys and girls in the upper standards an essay on ,boys 7for the girls7 and ,girls 7for the boys74 ,the following extracts represent fairly accurately the general tone of the opinions expressed by both sides respectively3-- ,concerning ,boys4--,boys are mischievous and jolly 444 some are gentle4--,they dress differently from each other4444 ,many boys are very lazy4--,most boys are very clever4444 ,they are very clumsy and clodhoppers4--,some of the boys play very roughly and clumsily4 ,they run about and step on each other's feet4444 ,they do not very often agree4--,the boys talk more than the girls4--,very few are gentle4--,boys are male people4--,they are not much use to help their mothers in house-work4--,their mothers put them nice and tidy1 but some of them go and get ragged again4 ,concerning ,girls4--,most girls are very shy and angry4--,they sew and darn the boys' stockings4--,their work is tidy and clean4--,they talk very silently4--,they have thin1 weak voices4--,girls dress up about mid-day1 and go out1 while the poor boys are hard at work4--,girls have a kind of false pride about them4 ,a girl will have feathers and flowers in her hat just to show off4--,most of them are tall and delicate1 and they have long legs and little tiny voices4--,some girls have their hair frizzed up and some wavered4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,whale 7by a ten-year-old74--,the ,whale is not called a fish1 because it is so big1 so it is called a creature4 ,they eat cockles and worms and jellies1 and people catches the whales with a fishing rod or a net1 they have to let the rope out so the whale dies for loss of breath4 ,the whales swim in shols shoals and they have a tarpoon at the end of their tails1 when he moves his tail1 with one blow he will smash the side of the ship4 ,it has a very big head1 and two fins or flappers1 on one side of its body4 ,whales got to come up out of the water on to the land for to breath with their mouths1 if he sees any people about he will swallow them up for he has very big jar bones1 and strong teeth called whaleboners4 ,fishmongers catches whales an sail them4 ,some people eat whales with salt and piper and bread1 and some with potatoes4 ,if you keep a whales head under water he will die for want of breath4 ,when they have finished with the whale they send it adrift to get some more spern oil4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,pat ,,answer4--,the following story was read to a class of girls to be reproduced as a composition exercise3--,a gentleman was out driving in a dog-cart with his coachman1 who was an ,irishman1 when the horse took fright and bolted4 ,the coachman did his best1 but it was evident that the beast had got beyond his control4 ',pat1' said the gentleman1 ',i'd give five pounds to be out of this trap4' ',yer honour needn't be so extravagant2 ye'll be out of it for nothing presently6' ,he had scarcely finished speaking when the wheel was caught by a heap of stones at the roadside1 and both men were shot over the hedge into an adjoining field4 ,now1 girls1 said the teacher1 three marks extra for the most suitable title for this story4 ,up went a forest of hands1 and many and varied1 if somewhat commonplace1 were the titles suggested4 ,but a comical twist on the face of a grey-eyed little ,irish maiden in the front row took the teacher's attention4 ,well1 ,norah1 what title do you suggest8 ,a cheap outing6 said ,norah demurely4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,on ,,smoking4--,the following is an essay by a ,standard ,v4 boy4 ,it was written after a lecture by ,dr4 ---- on the ,evils of ,smoking3 ,boys wish to be manly in their ways and habbits1 this is right but in some ways it is wrong because in somethings which men does is not for boys to do4 ,somethings which men does might not hurt them but it would hurt boys4 ,one thing is harmful to both men and boys or women that is bad language it is a dreadful thing to hear women children and men using bad language in all of the earth4 ,but there is another bad habit of which boys follow the example of men and this is a very harmful habit to boys and to most men as well as boys4 ,this habit is smoking with tobacco which in the ,british ,isle is carry on very much both with men and children and sometimes women4 ,every time you go out if it is only just outside the door you see men or boys smoking4 ,now when you are smoking people say they have a stinging taste on their tongue if they only knew what this taste is ,i am sure they would never smoke again for if you was to tell them the number of gases which contained in tobacco they would immediately take out their tobacco and pipe or cigarettes and throw them away4 ,for in the tobacco is a number of poisonous gases which when the smoke is indulge into the mouth the different poisons run to certain parts of the body1 some gases go to lungs and others to liver and to the heart and nerves and brain and sometimes it iffects the mind and hearing4 ,the names of some of these gases are hydrogen1 prussic acid gas and carbonic acid gas and nicotine which is the most iffectable on the body and another of them called sulpherette carbonic gas4 ,smokers are always liable to indigestion which is brought on by these gases which is performed in smoking1 besides these gases is another which is known as monoxine4 ,if you ask a athlette if smoking was good for him he would tell plump no it is not for it shortens the wind and makes the muscles feeble4 ,another thing it deases your body and brings on heart desease4 ,it is bad for a man to smoke but it is worst to a growing lad for it injures the growth and makes your limbs shakey4 ,boys who smoke when they are young never occasionully live a long life1 nor never grow to height because it shivers 7i4e4 shrivels7 up your liver and bye and bye you have none at all and then you die and it brings on cancer which is another dead desease4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,what ,,constitutes ,a ,,gentleman4 ,standard ,,vii4--,people sometimes think that when men are dressed in nice clothes they are gentlemen but that is not the case1 a gentleman is a man who knows his manners4 ,down in the ,west ,end and ,city there are great swells1 but people think that because they have nice clothes they are swells1 but some are more like pigs4 ,we might see a tramp walking along a street who as hardly no boots nor clothes but very likely he has his manners4 ,a real gentleman ought to know his manners1 and also not to swear4 ,a gentleman might be walking along a street and meet a young lady1 he would go up to her and raise his hat1 and say1 good evening dear come along a me she would and when he left her he would say good night darling1 and ask her to meet him at so-an-so4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,that ,,half-,,holiday4--,a thirteen-year-old's description of a ,thursday half-holiday3--',pooh1 talk about hot weather1 ,i'm nearly suffocated4 ,this the exclamation of ,fred ,brown1 one day after dinner4 ',why1' said ,tom1 'its ,thursday4 ,i only just thought of it4 ,where shall we go8' ,there was silence for a few minutes1 then ,alf ,jones said3 ',let us hire a boat and row to ,marlow1 we can take tea4' ,a hamper was duly packed and carried down to the river4 ,a boat was procured1 it was in rather a bad condition1 but it was the best to be had4 ,they tossed up as to who should steer1 and it fell to ,tom1 who knew as much about steering as a hipopotamus4 ,they divested themselves of their coats and settled down to work4 ,all went well utell they had gone about half a mile they went bang into some rushes1 much to the anoyance of the frogs4 ,when they looked round for damage they caught sight of ,tom's hat float calmly down the stream4 ,of course the owner had to rescue it4 ,they extricated themselves after a while1 and resumed the journey without any very terrible accident1 of course catching crabs is nothing4 ,when they had been rowing for about a hour in the hot sun1 they thought ,marlow a bit too far for them1 so they landed on an island with some nice trees on it1 with the intention of having tea4 ,they set to work to get out the hamper from the boat4 ,the spirit bottle1 pulled out of a heap of sandwiches1 into which it had fallen1 was found to be half full of water1 and the spirit gone and everything else was thoroughly soaked4 ,at ,fred ,brown's suggestion the sandwiches were put in the sun to dry4 ,when they were 'cooked' they sat down to a tealess tea with good appetites4 ,tom ,smith took a sandwich and had a good mouthful of it1 but it did not stay in his mouth long he said it tasted like a lump of methylated spirit1 so nobody had any tea4 ,they thought it was time to get back4 ,it was a fairly easy time going back1 they were going with the stream4 ,they went home and had some supper1 presently ,fred ,brown began to groan1 when they asked him what was the matter he said1 ',i--,i only dr-drank some s-spirit and water1 ,i th-thought it was le-lemonade1 ,o--,o4' ,next morning everybody agreed that they had thoroughly enjoyed themselves4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,lion4--,the lion is the king of all animals4 ,it is very fierce4 ,lion has very big pause4 ,it has a dark brown skin4 ,it is got a peace of heir on its tale and all round its next4 ,the lion life on men and other things4 ,when the lion is young it is called a cube4 ,the lion are mostly found in woulds out in other parts of the world4 ,there life are very unsafe because hunter go out killed them4 ,the lion is very useful4 ,its skin is used for making firs and other thing4 ,its tees are very useful4 ,the lion is used for showes4 ,it is used in ,inder4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,shipwreck4--,a shipwreck is an awful thing for sometimes you get wet and sometimes you get dround and sometimes you get burnt but the last is the worst4 ,once a big lyner got upset with a mortal wound in her side but all the people was saved bar one and he got eat4 ,sharks and whales feed on dead bodies and sometimes they eat them alive4 ,we should never eat fish what eat us because their canybals just like savages4 ,sailors catch sharks with a leg of pork and a thick string which they cut up for whalebone bone and blubber to make train oil4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,camel4--,he is called the ship of the desart because he runs over the sand like a ship and dont sink in4 ,he runs different to the horse because he lifts up two legs on one side of his body and then two on the other4 ,he has about a hundred stumics and each holds about a quart so when his master kills him he can have a good drink4 ,his hump is made of fat and he eats this when he cant get grass or hay4 ,some camels are not camels because he has two humps and his hair dont grow all over him and were it dont is called calluses callosities because it kneels down and wears away4 ,the ,arab loves his steed better than his wife and in our books theres a piece about him called the ,arab and his steed4 ,his master was a prisoner and his faithful camel took him round the waist and bore him swiftly to his morning friends4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,crusades4--,the crusades were a body of men women and children who followed the red cross4 ,they were invented by ,richard the ,i and flocked in thousands round him to go to ,egypt and some were stricken with deadly disease but they marched on4 ,then they began to lessen in number and fell gradually under the burning sands of ,egypt and laden heavy with heavy armour4 ,at last ,peter the ,hermit cited ,cairo but the ,catholicks bore down on him and he retreated4 ,after travelling about for many weary months he joined an opera company and was afterwards buried in ,westminster ,abbey4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,about ,,the ,,interjection4--,an interjection is a shout or something said by a person too surprised or pained or frightened to make a sentence of his thoughts4 ,it is not quite a human language4 ,the lower animals say nothing else but interjections4 ,accordingly1 ill-natured and cross people by their interjections come very near to beasts4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,concerning ,,robert4--,policemen are men who are employed by the ,government1 to control the boys1 ruffians1 and all individuals which annoy or illuse the public4 ,the boys politely term them 'coppers1' the burglars 'cops' or 'narks4' ,the cooks are very fond of him1 and call him 'dear ,robert1' and now they are going 'on strike' cooky will mourn1 and the uneaten rabbit-pie will go into the dustbin1 and there will be quite a gloom over the kitchens of ,belgravia4 ,there will be no kissing over the railings1 and if ,bobby don't keep his eyes open ,tommy ,atkins will collar the cake4 ,policemen must be over or a certain size1 and must have 7,i believe7 big pedular extremities1 as all policemen's feet seem to be large4 ,they have a fte1 not foot1 once a year1 and then cooky gets a day off4 ,then they have kiss-in-the-ring1 and other games1 which introduce a mutual contraction of the ,orbicularis ,oris4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,what ,i ,,shall ,,do ,,in ,,the ,,holidays4--,what ,i expect to do in my holidays is the greater part of the time to mind the baby4 ,two years and a-half old4 ,just old enough to run into a puddle or to fall downstairs4 ,oh6 what a glorious occupation6 my aunt or ,sunday-school teacher would say1 but it is all very well for them1 they ought to have a turn with him4 ,i am going to have a game at tying doors1 tying bundles of mud in paper and then drop it on the pavement4 ,i shall buy a bundle of wood and tie a piece of cord to it1 and when someone goes to pick it up1 lo6 it has vanished--not lost1 but gone before4 ,i shall go butterfly catching1 and catch some fish at ,snob's ,brighton 7,lea ,bridge74 ,i shall finish up by having a whacking1 tearing my breeches1 giving a boy two black eyes1 and then wake up on ,monday morning refreshed and quite happy to make the acquaintance of ,mr4 ----'s cane4 ,the following1 written a little later1 will convince every ,london teacher that ,r4,h4 had practised fishing in the ,new ,river3--,man goes fishing1 takes his rod and enough tackle to make a telegraph wire and starts on his piscatorial expedition4 ,he arrives1 and happy man is he if he has not forgot something1 a hook1 his bait1 or his float4 ,he sits there1 apparently contented2 he catches a frog or some other fine specimen of natural history1 and a cold1 and a jolly good roasting from his bitter half1 when he arrives with some mackerel which he had bought at the fishmonger's4 ,he1 poor man1 did not know that they were sea-fish1 but his wife did4 ,when juveniles go fishing they take a willow1 their ma's reel of best six-cord1 a pickle jar1 and a few worms1 and proceed to the ,new ,river happy4 ,when they arrive they catch about fifty 7a small thousand they call it71 and are thinking of returning home1 when a gent with ,n4 ,r4 on his hat1 and a good ash stick in his hand1 comes up4 ',ullo there1' says he1 'what are you doing there8' ',fishing1 sir1' answer they meekly4 ,the man then takes away their fish and rod1 gives them some whales instead 7on their back74 ,and they return home sadder but wiser boys4 ,,chapter ,v4 ,,the ,,religious ,,difficulty4 ,,teacher3 ,on what occasion did ,our ,lord use the words1 ',with ,god all things are possible'8 ,,small ,,child3 ,to the woman who had seven husbands6 ,it would be a real novelty to write a book having even the most remote reference to education without bringing this in4 ,but lest the headline should terrify the reader with the fearful apprehension that it is my purpose to plunge once again into the bitter and apparently never-ebbing waters of religious strife1 let me hasten to say that ,i have no such maleficent intention4 ,in the classification of my budget of anecdotes ,i find ,i have an abundant selection of those which have arisen in connection with the daily ,scripture lesson2 and1 as ,i have already said1 they represent the richest harvest of all4 ,the reasons for this ,i have endeavoured to set forth4 ,it only remains for me1 in submitting the following stories1 to add that no irreverence is intended4 ,there are1 ,i know1 some curiously constituted people who find offence in the most ingenuous laugh if provoked by what they deem a sacred subject4 ,i would respectfully yet firmly adjure them not to read the stories which immediately follow4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,seventh ,,commandment--,,new ,,style4--,in the first place the daily viva voce recital of the ,commandments leads to quaint distortions when the youngster comes to commit to paper what he has been saying day by day for a year or so4 ,here are two startling variants on the ,seventh of the selfsame ,commandments-- ,thou shalt not kick a duckery4 ,thou shalt not come into the country4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,some ,,new ,,versions ,,of ,,the ,,tenth4--,here is a weird distortion of the ,tenth3-- ,thou shalt not cumt thy neighbours house1 thou shalt not cumt thy neighbours wife1 mornin' circus1 mornin' 'oss1 mornin' ass1 mor anything that is his4 ,quaint in its way1 but not so fearfully and wonderfully contrived1 is the following misquotation also of the ,tenth ,commandment3-- ,thou shalt not covet 444 nor his ox1 nor his ass1 nor anything dangerous6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,thou ,,sha',t ,,not ,,bow ,,dean6--,still affecting the ,commandments1 though a story of another colour1 is the following3-- ,in a village in ,yorkshire dwelt the two granddaughters of a former vicar4 ,these good ladies often met in the streets the children who attended the village school4 ,on such occasions they expected the latter to acknowledge them--the boys by raising their hats and the girls by curtseying4 ,now one sturdy urchin often disregarded the ladies1 and they accordingly spoke to his father respecting his conduct4 ,the parent questioned the boy1 and soon found out that the complaint laid against him was true4 ,on being asked why he did not lift his cap1 the culprit replied1 ,ah dean't think ah ou't ta dea sa4 ,dean't us larn at t' skeal1 ',thou sha't not bow dean ta ony graven image'8 99 99 99 99 99 ,,in ,,braid ,,yorkshire4--,the diocesan inspector was questioning a class of boys about the story of ,joseph as a slave1 interpreter1 c41 and incidentally asked the following question3 ,what did ,joseph's father think when the brothers brought ,joseph's coat covered with blood8 ,the reply of a small boy quite upset the official's gravity3 ,please1 sir1 he thought a coo had tupped him6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,on ,,bread ,,and ,,chicken4--,imagine the surprise of the schoolmistress when a little lad1 in giving his version of the ,temptation1 informed her that ,christ partook of bread and chicken in the wilderness4 ,judicious questioning elicited the fact that the young hopeful had based his opinion upon two extracts3 ,man shall not live by bread alone1 and ,get the hens1 ,satan6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,three ,,evils4--,it was the annual ,scripture examination1 and the inspector was questioning a class upon the ,catechism4 ,it was promised for you in your baptism1 said the official inquisitor1 that you would fight against three great evils4 ,tell me what they are4 ,my godfathers and godmothers1 was the reply of one youth4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,in ,,the ,,application ,,thereof4--,the school had been closely questioned by the inspector in ,scripture1 and at last a bright idea seemed to strike him1 for he said3 ,suppose ,christ came into this room now and offered to perform a miracle for you1 what would you ask him to do8 ,there was silence for some moments1 and then up went a hand4 ,the inspector asked for a reply1 which was3 ,cast out a devil1 sir6 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,baste ,,but ,,not ,a ,,bull4--,the following occurred in a ,dublin school during the ,scripture lesson3--,what does the ,bible say will happen to the proud8 asked the examiner4 ,please1 sir1 they will become animals1 replied one bright little chap4 ,oh1 that's a curious answer4 ,what text have you to prove it8 queried the interrogator4 ,he that humbleth himself shall be exalted1 and he that exalteth himself shall be a baste6 promptly replied one of the youngest of ,ould ,oireland's hopefuls4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,flesh ,,pots4--,a class was in the habit of singing at close of school the well-known ,grace3 ,these creatures bless1 c4 ,having some doubts as to the accuracy of the words being sung by one boy1 the master asked him to repeat them4 ,he was not a little astonished to hear recited the words-- ,these creatures bless and grant that we ,may feast on pounds of rice with ,thee4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,overheard ,,in ,,the ,,playground4--,small lad to a friend3 ,i say1 ,jack1 what do you think our teacher told us this morning8 ,i dunno4 ,well1 he said there was once a man going down from ,jerusalem to ,jericho1 and as he was going the thorns sprang up and choked him6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,samivel1 ,,beware6--,inspector3 ,why was ,elisha sorry when the ,shunamite's son was dead8 ,ingenious lad1 who has just been devouring ,mr4 ,pickwick3 ,because he didn't like being left alone with a widow4 7,inspector smiled47 99 99 99 99 99 ,,some ,,unfamiliar ,,exhortations4--,children1 as ,i have said1 often get hold of the wrong words in prayers and hymns4 ,for instance1 one child was heard to pray3 ,forgive me all that ,i have done on ,christmas ,day 7amiss this day74 ,another was heard to plead3 ,and give us an eagle 7and deliver us from evil74 ,while a third after meals repeated3 ,let manners to us all be given 7,let manna to our souls be given74 99 99 99 99 99 ,,noah',s ,,first ,,task4--,at a recent ,scripture examination the examiner asked the following question in the infants' class3 ,what was the first thing ,noah did when he came out of the ,ark8 ,a tiny girl put up her hand1 and on being asked1 said3 ,please1 sir1 he buried all the drownded people4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,why ,a ,,doorkeeper8--,teacher3 ,what did ,david mean when he said he'd rather be a doorkeeper of the ,house of the ,lord8 ,boy3 ,because1 if he was a doorkeeper1 he could walk about outside while the sermon was being preached4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,question ,,of ,a ,,main ,,drainage4--,subject3 ,scripture lesson on ,the ,flood4 ,teacher had explained how it rained and rained until the tops of the highest hills were covered4 ,pupil of inquiring mind suddenly puts up her hand and asks3 ,teacher1 wern't there no sinks8 99 99 99 99 99 ,,an ,,altogether ,,unexpected ,,reply4--,a teacher who had given a lesson on the ,birth of ,christ and the ,virgin ,mary was proceeding to question the children1 and asked3 ,who was the mother of ,jesus8 ,to her great astonishment1 a small girl chirped out3 ,please1 m'1 the blessed bird canary6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,little ,,down-,,along',s ,,dove4--,the inspector was examining a class of ,westcountry infants1 and had asked3 ,when our ,lord was baptised1 what bird came down on ,his head8 ,one little ,devonshire dumpling at once retorted3 ,please1 sir1 a little yeller-hammer1 sir6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,part ,,that ,,never ,,dies4--,during a ,scripture lesson a teacher of little dots was greatly surprised upon asking3 ,what part of you is it that never dies8 to receive from an excited youngster1 ,the ,holy ,ghost4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,who ,,was ,,sorry8--,a class was being questioned on the prodigal son's return4 ,the teacher3 ,who was sorry when the prodigal son returned8 ,little ,boy 7after deep thought73 ,the fatted calf1 sir4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,about ,,eli4--,teacher3 ,tell all you know of ,eli4 ,small ,girl3 ,eli was a very old man1 and ,eli was very sick and ,eli brought up ,samuel4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,homely ,,view4--,head mistress3 ,what was the first thing that the little boy ,samuel did when he got up in the morning8 ,cheery little mother3 ,please1 mum1 he carried up a cup of tea to ,eli6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,mixed4--,a small boy1 who had been reading about ,sir ,walter ,raleigh and the ,virgin ,queen1 in writing of ,elijah1 said3 ,as ,elijah went up to ,heaven he dropped his mantle1 and ,queen ,elizabeth walked over it4 99 99 99 99 99 ,i ,,believe4--,write down what you are saying1 said a teacher once to a pupil who with others was reciting the ,apostles' ,creed4 ,suffered under ,pontius ,pilate1 came out ,suffered under bunch of violets6 ,at the little village school of ,bonchurch1 ,isle of ,wight1 it was once set down ,suffered under ,bonchurch ,pilot6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,and ,,to ,,bed ,,you ,,go4--,tell us a story1 please1 said the little ones once to their teacher on ,friday afternoon4 ,she1 consenting1 asked whether they wanted a new one or an old one4 ,cinderella1 said one2 ,aladdin1 asked another4 ,then from a rather heavy boy1 ,i want the tale of ,citrate of ,magnesia and to bed you go4 ,she paused in complete obfuscation4 ,then a sharp little girl said3 ,that's wrong1 governess1 it wasn't ,citrate of ,magnesia1 but it was to bed you go1 and they were all in the fire and not burnt4 ,the teacher recognised the ,bible incident of ,shadrach1 ,meshach1 and ,abed-nego6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,what ,,happened4--,scene3 ,class of infants and ,standard ,i4 ,time3 ,scripture lesson4 ,teacher1 impressively 7to children anxiously watching--in imagination--the development of an old-world tragedy73 ,then ,abraham having bound his son ,isaac and laid him on the altar1 took the knife in his hand--when lo6--,what happened8 ,big dunce from the gallery 7in a voice hoarse with excitement and pent-up feeling73 ,hisaac 'ollered out4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,biblical ,,cricket4--,the vicar recently came down to distribute the prizes to the successful athletes at the school sports4 ,in his prefatory remarks1 he mentioned that games were not unknown even in scriptural times1 and asked if any boy could furnish a text to prove this4 ,yissir1 said one urchin1 our ,lord said to a team of ,his disciples when they was agoing to play in a cricket match3 ',beware of the 'leven of the ,pharisees4' 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,one ,,thing ,,necessary4--,venerable ,archdeacon3 ,now1 my dear children1 ,i will ask you a few questions in your ,catechism4 ,which of you can tell me the two things necessary in ,baptism8 ,quite right1 ',water4' ,water is one thing1 and what is the other8 ,what6 can none of you think what else is necessary8 ,well1 little girl1 what do you say8 ,little ,girl3 ,please1 sir1 a baby4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,division ,,of ,,labour4--,the subject of a ,scripture lesson to a class of girls in ,standards ,v4 and ,,vi4 happened one day to be the ,resurrection4 ,whether the curate1 fresh from the ',varsity1 failed to make the matter interesting because of faulty arrangement of matter or indifferent method is not recorded4 ,but the girls did not show much attention while the changes which are to come to our vile bodies were being tabulated4 ,so1 turning to one girl more conspicuously inattentive than the rest1 the curate sharply asked3 ,mary ,jane6 who made your vile body8 ,please1 sir1 mother made the body and ,i made the skirt1 replied ,mary ,jane4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,taking ,,the ,,bones4--,a curate had been talking diligently for half an hour to a class of school children1 but their attention was not very freely given4 ,the subject was ,the ,doings of the ,children of ,israel1 and very special mention had been made of how they had been commanded to take the bones of ,joseph with them when they made their exodus from the land of ,egypt4 ,suddenly pouncing upon one boy who was particularly inattentive1 the curate said3 ,whose bones did the children of ,israel take with them out of ,egypt1 ,sam8 ,sam was nonplussed for a moment1 then a brilliant idea struck him1 and his answer came out triumphantly3 ,their own6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,moses ,,and ,,the ,,burning ,,bush4--,the teacher was one morning giving a lessen on ,moses and his talk with ,god1 introducing1 of course1 the mystery of the burning bush not being consumed1 and laying particular stress on the reverent attitude of ,moses in taking off his shoes before approaching the sacred place4 ,at the close of the lesson the teacher questioned his pupils to gauge their interest1 and among other queries he submitted the following3 ,why did ,moses take off his shoes before approaching the bush8 ,judge of his consternation when he received the following reply from a little fellow of eight years3 ,please1 sir1 to warm ees feet6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,clever ,,teacher4--,the vicar of a ,somerset parish was noted for his extremely precise enunciation4 ,he was in the habit of taking the ,scripture lessons in the village school1 and had spent some time on ,the ,lives of the ,patriarchs4 ,one morning he questioned a class upon the story of ,jacob4 ,what did ,isaac tell ,jacob to do when he left home after obtaining the blessing8 asked the vicar1 pointing to a dull1 big boy4 ,he told un to pay the man1 zur1 was the response4 ,to pay the man6 replied the vicar wonderingly2 what man8 ,please1 zur1 ,i doant 'zacly remember what his other name were1 but 'twere ,dan somebody or other4 ,the vicar lost the point of the answer2 but the teacher1 with keen appreciation1 quoted softly to herself1 ,arise1 go to ,pa-dan-aram1 and she thought the boy was not wholly to blame for thinking that ,dan ,aram was a man1 and ought to be paid4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,rough ,,on ,,the ,,deacon4--,explain1 said the teacher1 all you can about the words ,bishop1 ,priest1 and ,deacon4 ,i never saw a ,bishop1 wrote one hopeful4 ,a ,priest is a man in the ,old ,testament1 and a ,deacon is a thing you pile up on the top of a hill and set fire to it6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,thirteenth ,,apostle4--,the question was3 ,how many ,apostles were there8 ,thirteen1 said one little chap4 ,thirteen6 repeated the teacher in astonishment4 ,i thought there were only twelve6 ,st4 ,matthew1 replied the boy1 tells us the names of twelve1 and ,st4 ,john gives us the name of the other one--,verily1 that ,jesus used to talk to so much4 ,,chapter ,,vi4 ,,the ,,fond ,,parent4 ,political ,economy is the science that teaches us to get the greatest benefit out of the least possible amount of honest labour4--,,weary ,,willy1 ,,junior4 ,there is no more universal fallacy than the firmly-rooted prejudice that finds a comment in the old tag that ,everybody's goose is a swan4 ,how impregnably established is this conviction in the parental mind--when in contemplation of the capacity of its wonderful offspring--only teachers know4 ,eternal are the complaints that whilst ,jimmy ,miggs has been promoted to the ,third ,standard ,our ,willie remains in the ,second6 ,and brilliant is the diplomacy that is needed to make the situation parentally endurable4 ,then there is the irate parent1 the sacred person of whose immaculate hopeful has been gently touched with the discriminating hand of discreet personal chastisement4 ,ah me6 ,what havoc such an one can work with the calm serenity of the schoolroom4 ,strangely enough1 it is amongst the thriftless and self-indulgent minority of working classes--those who shockingly neglect and ill-treat their children themselves--that the teacher finds the greatest trouble in this matter of objection even to the most moderate and wisely-administered corporal punishment4 ,for myself1 ,i hit upon an excellent expedient when the peace of the school was suddenly ravished by the sudden and unbidden entrance of some angry mother4 ,with great suavity ,i offered her a chair and considerately pressed her into it4 ,if she could be induced to rehearse her complaints whilst still sitting down the fires of her fury would soon flicker out4 ,indeed1 ,i have never yet met an angry woman in any walk of life who could sufficiently express her feelings whilst sitting down4 ,verb4 sap4 ,the parental ,note is often very amusing1 sometimes abusive1 and occasionally clever and caustic4 ,excuses for absence1 which involve a reference to ailments with rather unspellable names are1 naturally enough1 badly boggled4 ,rheumatism1 ,neuralgia1 ,influenza1 ,lumbago1 ,inflammation1 ,diarrhoea--what tribulation these half-dozen words represent to be sure6 ,and what excruciating distortions the parental note bears upon its usually rough and crumpled face4 ,i remember neuralgia once being rendered real raw jaw1 which is not so far out after all6 ,very bad with ,new ,roger is not so near a shot4 ,i also recall a note of excuse that informed the teacher that ,charlie couldn't come to school because he has got haricot veins6 ,this is as curious as ,in bed with ,piper's ,dance6 ,i have seen a note1 too1 which speaks of ,mary being down with an illustrated throat1 with glaciers on both sides6 ,and1 finally1 there was once the alarming case of ,alfred1 who had gone to the hospital to have some aneroids taken from his nose4 ,but let a few of these little missives speak for themselves3-- 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,novel ,,mode ,,of ,,travelling4--,the following excuse for lateness from a ,dover parent is very appropriate to a seaside town3 ,dear miss1 please excuse mary being late as she as been out on a herring4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,money ,,market ,,down4--,here is a verbatim copy of a note received3 ,tom is not fit to come to school yet1 as doctor ,blight said ,i have to tell you as they have ,inflamation in the ,consols4 ,john and ,harry4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,one ,,for ,,the ,,teachers4--,the following note is from an irate parent3 ,willie ---- was absent ,from school this morning because ,is mother is at market and ,i have no one here to do anything as you ,do know ,i have ,told you before know kindly state the ,reason ,that you and all of ,the ,teachers was absent from school for a month without asking our leave4 ,mr4 ,a4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,hary ,,and ,,emena4--,please sir hary and emena are unfit to attenion school hary is got to go to the infirny with ,exmoor and emena all over him and not able to come ,i have seen ,mr4 ,bennett4 ,this excuse was to convey the information that ,harry and ,emma had gone to the infirmary because both were suffering from eczema1 and that the mother had seen the attendance officer 7,mr4 ,bennett7 about it4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,to ,,introduce ,,maud ,p4--,a new scholar recently appeared at a ,board ,school with the accompanying letter3 ,maud ,p4 will be #f years of age next january #cjth #aije ,god ,willen it she live she have not atended ,scoole ,much as she is ,never well far lange to,gether she suffer with a bad feat she have had #b wounds an it if you like to lett she take off her sliper an shoken you ,can see it i fear it will break aut again as it is ,very read and inflamed at ,night and she ,complained of pain it was in the furst place threw a kick fraw another ,child at ,w---- ,p---- ,scoole the ,cause kindle see she is not hurt if you plese and ,not to wipe she as she is a such a timed ,sence ,child ben ill so ,much have rather spoilt her but she is i trust honest and truful and laven so kindness will do ware sharpness faile she only stain with ,me to see if she ,gett on all rite as her home is #b ,miles from a ,scoole at ---- her parents keep she i am her ,grandmother ,canat see ,very well so i fear ,my riten will be hard to read4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,parental ,,rage4--,if you please ,a---- ,b---- what made you not give ,f---- ,c---- his ticket on ,friday for he had been #aj times so he ought to have had it so if you please dont to give him it on ,monday morning i shall go farther to work with it4 for i think i know more about school then you do for i when their long before you did he as been to school all the week so he as earnt his ticket so if you dont give it to him by fair means you shall by foul so you can please yourself for you are not master nor misstres yet and i dont think that ever you will be we have to pay rates so we have to pay part for the school and it was down right a shame that he was not put up when the others was for he is always at school wet or fine bad or well he never stop away their was never such teachers as you had to teach me when i went to school they know which way to teach a child and that is more than you do if he his not put up before long he shall go to another school for he does reading and writing very well at home at night so by that means he must do it good at school4 so if he dont bring his ticket home with him on ,monday dinner time you can look for some body to make you give it up for it was not in your place at all to keep it i know school rules4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,dropped ,,into ,,poetry4--,the following couplet was once received in reply to an inquiry as to the reason for absence3-- ,grim tyrant of the powers that be1 ,take note6 ,the lad had leave from me4 ,on another occasion the reply came back3-- ,george stayed away to make the hay ,to please his own dear mother1 ,and you can take the case to law ,to save all future bother4 ,,chapter ,,vii4 ,,little ,,scientists ,,at ,,sea4 ,gravity was discovered by ,isaac ,walton4 ,it is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling from the leaves4--,,little ,,jim1 aged #aj4 ,if the earth did not revolt it would be either all equal days or all equal nights1 is the deliberate judgment of one young geographer2 and the state of mental obfuscation here discovered finds a counterpart in many geographical answers given in the earlier days4 ,sodom and ,gomorrah have been described as the two most famous volcanoes in the world2 and the ,nile has been mentioned as rising in ,mungo ,park4 ,penzance has been spoken of as the place where the pirates come from2 and the ,red ,indians have been located as coming from ,red ,india4 ,here is a brief list of what ,i may call geographical howlers4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,in ,,the ,,geography ,,lesson4--,the sun never sets on ,english possessions1 because the sun sets in the ,west1 and all the ,english possessions are in the ,north1 ,south1 and ,east4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the ,arctic regions are neither hot nor cold4 ,they abound in birds of beautiful plumage and of no song1 such as the elephant and the camel4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a table-land gets its name from its steep sides and flat top4 ,it's all right when once you are up on the top1 but it's no joke getting up4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the tides are a fight between the earth and the moon4 ,all water tends towards the moon1 because there is no water in the moon1 and ,nature abhors a vacuum4 ,gravitation at the earth keeps the water from rising all the way to the moon4 ,i forget whether the sun joins in this fight4 99 99 99 99 99 ,what divides ,england from ,ireland8 asked the inspector1 who was elderly and deaf4 ,the teacher trembled with apprehension as she heard a boy answer3 ,the ,land of ,goshen1 sir4 ,the inspector was obviously pleased1 and said approvingly3 ,quite right6 ,quite right6 ,the ,atlantic ,ocean6 99 99 99 99 99 ,some time ago the ,stella1 a ,south-,western ,railway packet1 struck on a rock near one of the ,channel ,islands4 ,in an examination on ,general ,knowledge ,i asked the name of the rock4 ,a boy replied3 ,rock of ,ages4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,some ,,history ,,lesson ,,blunders4--,now let me turn briefly to the ,history lesson and note the curious blunders and anachronisms that a modern rendering or a juvenile misapprehension of old-world facts reveal4 ,let me set out a few instances3-- ,the cause of the ,peasants' ,revolt was that a shilling poultice was put on everybody over sixteen4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the poll-tax was to be paid by everyone who had a head4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the ,fire of ,london1 although looked on at first as a calamity1 really did a great deal of good4 ,it purified the city from the dregs of the plague and burnt down eighty-nine churches4 99 99 99 99 99 ,king ,james ,i4 was very unclean in his habits3 he never washed his hands and married ,anne of ,denmark4 99 99 99 99 99 ,henry ,,viii4 was a very good king4 ,he liked plenty of money4 ,he had plenty of wives1 and died of ulcers in the legs4 99 99 99 99 99 ,edward ,,iii4 would have been king of ,france if his mother had been a man4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the conquest of ,ireland was begun in #aagj and is still going on4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the ,pilgrim ,fathers were the parents of the young men who took journeys to the ,holy ,land in the ,crusades4 ,they had to give an allowance to their godly sons while they were away in the ,east4 ,but they never grudged it1 because it was an honour to be a ,pilgrim's father4 ,sir ,philip ,sydney gave the last drop of water in his jug to a dying soldier on the field of ,waterloo1 as was mentioned in the ,duke of ,wellington's despatches4 ,john ,milton is the celebrated author of the excursion1 and lived chiefly in the lake country near ,carlyle4 ,teacher3 ,in whose reign was that palace built8 ,scholar3 ,edward the ,confectioner's4 ,george ,i4 was the son of the ,electric ,sophia4 ,isaac ,walton was such a good fisherman that he was called 'the judicious hooker4' 99 99 99 99 99 ,,in ,,the ,,science ,,class4--,not less amusing are the mistakes which arise during the elementary science lesson4 ,here are a few cases in point3-- ,a vacuum is nothing shut up in a box4 ,they have a way of pumping out the air4 ,when all the air and everything else is shut out1 naturally they are able to shut in nothing1 where the air was before4 ,a drug is any wholesome vegetable food for taking once in a way but not for regular food4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,with ,,the ,,little ,,babbages4--,things which are double each other are greater than anything else4 ,circumference is a straight line round the middle of a plane4 ,two straight lines cannot enclose a space unless they are crooked4 ,question3 ,if the sum of two numbers is a multiple of ten1 what relation is there between the figures in the units place in the squares of the two numbers8 ,answer3 7#a7 ,the same relation4 7#b7 ,ought is the relation existing between them4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,domestic ,,economy4--,question3 ,give directions for sweeping a room4 ,answer3 ,cover up the furniture with dust sheets1 scatter damp tea leaves over the carpet1 then carefully sweep the room into the dust pan and throw it out of the window4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the following notes are selected from the answers given at a recent examination of girls between twelve and sixteen years of age3--,cheese is as wholesome as #h pounds of beef4--,beef is a useful article of food obtained from different animals1 such as the cow1 sheep1 pig1 c4--,the lean of beef belongs to the animal kingdom1 and the fat to the vegetable kingdom4--,butter is good for the brain4--,milk is called a model food because it models the form of the child4--,without eating potatoes we would become very delicate1 because potatoes are very necessary to sustain human life4--,pot-au-feu is mashed-up meat4--,crtins are generally served up with green pea soup4--,if a man lives without food for a considerable time1 say sixty days1 he will die at the end of a month2 or if the constitution is delicate1 he may only live for a week1 or less4 ,,chapter ,,viii4 ,a ,,miscellaneous ,,collection4 ,the ,triple ,alliance is ,faith1 ,hope1 and ,charity6--,,emma ,,jane4 ,,the ,,best ,,side4--,a penny was the object in question4 ,the children had examined its superscription--obverse and reverse1 when little ,polly shyly said1 ,i like this side best1 teacher--pointing to ,neptune and the shield4 ,why1 ,polly1 demanded the teacher4 ,cause you can see the ,queen riding on a bicycle6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,jonah',s ,,prayer4--,it was an infants' class of forty children or thereby4 ,the young teacher had found the way to the hearts of her pupils1 and the children quite forgot they were engaged in work4 ,everything she said and did was real and right in their eyes1 and her ,bible stories were a source of wondrous delight4 ,they would not have been astonished had they met ,abraham or even some of the antediluvians in the street4 ,the head master1 on visiting the room1 found them all interested in the career of ,jonah1 and told them he would come again to learn what they could tell about the errant prophet4 ,as he expected1 he found the story familiar to them1 and so1 with the view partly of trying their power of expression and partly of witnessing the perplexity of the embryo scholars1 he asked them to tell him ,jonah's prayer while he was in the whale4 ,words to express their pent-up knowledge failed most of them1 but one more vigorous than the rest relieved himself thus3 ,jonah just said1 ',god1 lat me oot o' this4' 99 99 99 99 99 ,,when ,,they',,re ,,running ,,about4--,it is the venerable old question1 ,what is a noun8 that has drawn out the hoary answer1 ,name of an animal1 person1 place1 or thing4 ,of course the inspector follows up with the almost equally antique ,am ,i a noun8 and the little fellow tumbles into the creaking old trap with a cheery ,yes1 sir4 ,are you a noun8 proceeds the inspector1 and the ,yes1 sir of the reply shows very little loss of confidence4 ,are all the boys in the class nouns8 ,the sturdy little grammarian feels from the tone that someone has blundered1 and the ,yes1 sir this time has an uncertain sound4 ,everything up to this point has been done in the most approved fencing style--three cuts up and one down2 all the moves are as hackneyed as in the ,king's ,knight's ,pawn opening4 ,it is only when the inspector is about to effect ,fool's ,mate----,but let me give it as it happens4 ,inspector3 ,what is a noun8 ,boy3 ,name of an animal1 person1 place1 or thing4--,i43 ,am ,i a noun8 ,b43 ,yes1 sir4--,i43 ,are you a noun8 ,b43 ,yes1 sir4--,i43 ,are all the boys in the class nouns8 ,b4 7a little doubtfully73 ,yes1 sir4--,i43 ,and are all the boys running about in the playground nouns8 ,b4 7brightening up73 ,please1 sir1 no1 sir4 ,when they're running about they're verbs6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,where ,,the ,,ostrich ,,lays ,,its ,,eggs4--,a class was being questioned by ,h4,m4 inspector on the ostrich4 ,he asked the size of the ostrich egg1 but could only get ,very big or ,very large for answers1 so he asked them to mention something that would show him how big they were4 ,after some hesitation1 one boy put his hand up1 and when asked1 replied3 ,please1 sir1 as big as your head4 ,the inspector laughed1 and then asked3 ,where does the ostrich deposit its eggs8 ,again the same boy put up his hand and looked very anxious to be asked4 ,when the inspector said1 ,well1 my little man1 where8 the boy replied1 ,please1 sir1 in our school museum6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,suffin' ,,red4--,in ,norwich tomatoes are called by the ordinary folk marters4 ,this by way of prologue4 ,a young curate spent twenty minutes explaining to a young class what a martyr was4 ,now1 said he1 what is a ,martyr8 ,the answer he received and did not expect was3 ,please1 sir1 suffin' red what you eat4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,he ,,hasn',t ,,to ,,eat ,,sweets4--,now1 ,johnnie1 said a teacher1 if ,i gave you a dozen sweets and you divided them equally between your brother and yourself1 how many would you give him8 ,please1 sir1 none sir6 ,cos' mother says he hasn't to eat sweets when he has worms4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,he ,,knew4--,h4,m4 ,inspector 7examining village school73 ,what is the opposite of a 'spendthrift8' ,no answer4 ,well1 what would you call a man who sends you on errands and gives you nothing for going8 ,boy3 ,parson1 sir4 ,confusion of parson who was present and had gained a reputation for close-fistedness4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,jack',s ,,prayer4--,little ,jack's father was visiting ,london and ,christmastide was approaching4 ,he had promised to bring a toy train for his little son as a present from ,father ,christmas4 ,the day that the father was to travel ,jack prayed-- ,god bless papa1 and bring him home safely1 ,and--and--and his luggage6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,under ,a ,,new ,,name4--,first class had taken poetry for the year from ,scott's ,marmion4 ,in repeating simultaneously1 one girl1 whose understanding of the sense must have been very hazy1 amused her classmates by repeating instead of-- ,where's ,harry ,blount1 ,fitz-,eustace1 where8 ,where's ,harry ,brown which used to swear8 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,raison ,d',,etre ,,of ,,the ,,nose4--,at a visit of one of the inspectors a chat had been going on with the babies about ,the ,elephant and its ,trunk1 and at the finish the ,h4,m4,i4 pounced upon the accepted duffer of the class with ,now1 my dear1 you shall tell me what your nose is for1 and was staggered with the reply1 ,us haves it to wipe1 sir8 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,good ,,reason4--,a short time ago a teacher was taking a lesson on the use of the hyphen4 ,having written a number of examples on the blackboard1 the first of which was bird-cage1 he asked the boys to give a reason for putting the hyphen between bird and cage4 ,after a short silence one boy1 who is among the dunces1 held up his hand and said1 ,it is for the bird to perch on1 sir4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,why ,,the ,,kitten ,,died4--,visit of grandma--both four-year-old twins at once3 ,grandma1 ,ninny's dead4 ,grandma1 surprised and sorry1 ,poor ,ninny1 he must have been poisoned8 ,great burst of grief from both twins4 ,then a sudden lull from one of them4 ,don't cry1 ,ella2 don't cry so much6 ',he died to save us all6' ,they had been to a children's service with the maid on ,good ,friday4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,where ,,the ,,snow ,,comes ,,from4--,the other day a master visited the infant room during a snowstorm4 ,he was curious to know what ideas the little ones had of snow1 and questioned them about it4 ,one little girl of five volunteered the information that the snow was swept out of heaven4 ,but how does it get into heaven8 asked the master4 ,please1 sir1 the angels scratch it off their wings1 said the tiny tot4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,bliss4--,teacher 7word-building73 ,quite right6 ,l-i-s-s spells liss1 and if ,i put 'b' in front what word do ,i get8 ,small ,boy3 ,bliss4 ,teacher3 ,yes2 but that's a new word to you1 and so ,i must tell you what it means4 ,it means peace or happiness or comfort4 ,now make me a sentence containing this new word bliss4 ,small ,boy3 ,my big brother had a blister on his toe4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,for ,,the ,,psychologist4--,here are four replies that well repay consideration3-- ,antidote3 ,a silly ant4 ,oblivious3 ,without a liver4 ,sciatica3 ,a sigh from the head4 ,anchorite3 ,a good man who anchored himself to one place4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,why ,,he ,,laughed4--,the master of a school had been much annoyed by a trick played upon him by one of his boys4 ,at last he thought he had caught the offender and severely chastised him4 ,to his surprise1 the boy1 instead of resenting the chastisement1 burst out laughing4 ,the master1 in a tone of anger mingled with surprise1 said3 ,how dare you laugh1 sir8 ,why are you so doing8 ,the boy1 trying hard to suppress his laughter1 said3 ,cos1 please sir1 you are hitting the wrong boy4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,national ,,anthem4--,a little ,yorkshire patriot of ten years gave the following written version of ,god ,save the ,king3-- ,god save are greasure ,king1 long leave are noble ,king1 ,god save are ,king4 ,sened are ,victoria1 happy and glory us ,god ,save are ,king4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,modest ,,request4--,it was play-time4 ,wordy warfare was being waged between two cherubic little brothers of four and five summers4 ,as the teacher drew near3--,please1 teacher1 can ,stanley play on my harp8 cried the bigger4 ,yes1 ,i shall6 ,yes1 ,i shall6 taunted little ,stanley1 dancing with mischievous joy4 ,but1 ,harold1 you haven't a harp1 said the teacher4 ,when we're in ,heaven6 he muttered fiercely4 ,he says1 when we're in ,heaven he shall play on my harp6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,not ,,so ,,far ,,out4--,at a recent visit of ,h4,m4,i4 to an ,essex school the children were saying a piece of poetry entitled ,the ,wind in a ,frolic4 ,in this piece occurs the line3 ,so on it went capering and playing its pranks4 ,the inspector stopped the class here1 and asked the class to tell him the meaning of capering1 and also the name of any animal that cuts capers4 ,the answers given by several boys were a kitten1 a pup1 a goat1 a lamb1 c4 ,however1 a very happy thought struck one small boy1 who immediately put up his hand and said3 ,a motor car6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,bear ,,song4--,billie 7aged four73 ,mother dear1 sing me the bear song4 ,the fond mother casting about in her mind for the song in question1 but to no avail1 began to sing from her customary list in the hope of hitting the right one1 but her efforts were cut short by the youngster's disapproval4 ,the mother's list of songs becoming exhausted1 she changed from song to hymn1 and her efforts were rewarded when she reached the hymn1 ,hark1 my soul2 but not until the third verse was being sung1 ,can a woman's tender care ,cease toward the child she bare1 did this fond mother appreciate the bear song4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,more ,,ways ,,than ,,one4--,the teacher was busy at his desk1 trying to discover the error which prevented the register from balancing1 when a youngster of seven years walked forward with his hand up4 ,what do you want8 said the teacher1 without turning round4 ,please1 sir1 ,jock ,broon's callin' me names1 was the reply4 ,oh1 get away6 exclaimed the teacher1 again settling to his work4 ,he had totalled up to near the top of the column1 when the same youngster again appeared and said3 ,please1 sir1 ,jock's doing it again4 ,the teacher was so annoyed at the second interruption that he sharply reprimanded ,jock1 and threatened to punish him if he again repeated the offence4 ,turning to his desk1 the teacher made a determined effort to discover the error in the totals1 when his tormentor again appeared4 ,seizing the cane1 the teacher turned to him and demanded to know what he wanted4 ,please1 sir1 ,jock's whistlin' it1 he answered4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,mixed ,,grill4--,the wife of a duke is a ducky4 ,a veteran is a man what does hosses4 ,coolies are men that live in cold countries4 ,mailboats are boats that only carry men4 ,a husbandman is a man with two wives4 ,the first words of ,zacharias on recovering his speech were3 ',i am dumb4' ,of course it was a boy who wrote that a graven image is an idle maid with hands4 ,six days shalt thy neighbour do all that thou hast to do4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,they ',,ad ,,to ,,do ,,it4--,an inspector once asked a teacher during a lesson in ,mental ,arithmetic if she ever allowed a pupil to propose questions to the children4 ,the teacher replied that she had done so4 ,h4,m4,i4 then asked1 ,who would like to ask the other children a question8 ,several hands went up instantly4 ,come on1 ,tommy4 ,tommy marched in front of his class with an air of importance and confidence1 born of experience1 and blurted out3 ,a million articles at half-a-crown each4 ,inspector3 ,well1 ,tommy1 what do you make it yourself8 ,tommy3 ,please1 sir1 they 'ad to do it1 not me4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,little ,,jim4--,some years ago a teacher was hearing a class read the poem ,little ,jim4 ,he had been trying very hard to teach expressive reading4 ,the children had been brought almost to tears by hearing the teacher read the verse describing the death scene1 when he called on a boy to read the verse describing the return of the dead child's father4 ,the reader evidently trusted too much to memory1 for1 in all earnestness and with beautiful expression1 he read-- ,he saw that all was over ,he knew the child was dead2 ,he took the candle in his hand ,and walked upstairs to bed4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,an ,,excellent ,,reason4--,who1 asked the teacher1 is your favourite writer8 ,johnnie answered1 ,samuel4 ,why8 replied the teacher4 ,because answered ,johnnie1 ,i like to read about him6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,why ,,you ,,couldn',t4--,as an exercise in composition upper standards had occasionally to write what they could upon a given maxim4 ,the one given was3 ,you can't put old heads on young shoulders4 ,one boy gave up his paper to the master1 who1 upon scanning it1 found the first sentence to be as follows3 ,of course you can't1 and if you did they wouldn't fit4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,sold ,,again4--,during the annual examination the children in the ,fifth ,standard were asked to give an example of a sentence containing more than one subject4 ,this1 the inspector thought1 would constitute a poser4 ,instantly1 however1 up rose a ragged1 shock-headed hoyden1 who straightway began to quote from ,browning's ,pied ,piper3-- ',great rats1 small rats1 lean rats1 brawny rats1 ,brown rats1 black rats1 grey rats1 tawny rats1 ,grave old plodders1 gay young friskers1 ,fathers1 mothers1 uncles1 cousins1 ,cocking tails and pricking whiskers1 ,families by tens and dozens1 ,brothers1 sisters1 husbands1 wives1 ,followed the ,piper for their lives4' 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,school ,,house ,,was ,,exempt4--,the master of a village school in the vicinity of ,dundee was in the habit of giving out an essay to be written at home by the pupils of the first class4 ,one ,friday afternoon he gave as the subject for the weekly exercise1 ,local ,events4 ,at that time scarlet fever was very prevalent in the district4 ,one pupil of promising parts took this fact for the subject of his essay4 ,he dwelt on the sad ravages which had taken place in the neighbourhood as the result of the epidemic1 and finished by saying how pleased he was that the dreadful scourge had not visited the school house1 for the ,lord delighteth not in the death of the wicked4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,sympathetic ,,rendering4--,a boy in a ,board ,school recently gave the following rendering of the verse in the ,wreck of the ,hesperus3-- ,then up and spake an old sailor1 ,had sailed the ,spanish main2 ',i pray thee put into yonder port1 ,for ,i fear the horrid cane4' 99 99 99 99 99 ,,heaven-,,sent ,,physic4--,the ,diocesan ,inspector3 ,now1 my dear children1 tell me how ,sodom and ,gomorrah were destroyed4 ,sharp ,boy3 ,brimstone and treacle from heaven1 sir4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,lesson ,,on ,,fractions4--,teacher 7giving lesson on fractions73 ,here1 children1 is a piece of meat2 if ,i cut it in two1 what shall ,i have8 ,class 7tutti73 ,halves6 ,teacher3 ,and if ,i cut my pieces again in two1 what do ,i get8 ,class 7tutti73 ,quarters6 ,teacher3 ,and if ,i again do the same8 ,class 7half-chorus73 ,eighths6 ,teacher3 ,good4 ,if we continue in the same way1 what shall we have8 ,class 7a duet73 ,sixteenths6 ,teacher3 ,very good4 ,let us cut our pieces once more in two1 what then shall we have8 ,class3 ,several bars rest4 ,dead silence4 ,however1 in the corner one pair of eyes twinkled4 ,teacher3 ,well1 ,johnny1 what shall we have8 ,johnny 7solo73 ,mincemeat1 ma'am6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,don',t ,,be ,,afraid1 ,,fido4--,a little dog was trembling with fear at the high wind4 ,little ,polly put her arms round it1 saying3 ,don't be afraid1 ,fido2 all the hairs of your head are numbered4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,thing ,,that ,,there ,,isn',t4--,what is a nib8 asked a little reader of four years4 ,oh1 ,i know6 said ,dick2 it is that thing that there isn't when you buy a pen4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,quaint ,,prayer4--,a dear little child was saying her prayers aloud beside her mother's knee1 and added a prayer on her own account3 ,oh1 please1 dear ,god1 make me pure1 absolutely pure as ,epps' cocoa4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,what ,,he ,,did ,,for ,a ,,living4--,teacher3 ,now1 ,john1 what did ,moses do for a living while he was staying with ,jethro8 ,john3 ,please1 sir1 he married one of his daughters4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,an ,,old ,,friend ,,under ,a ,,new ,,name4--,the six-year-olds had been hearing the story of the ,good ,samaritan4 ,teacher3 ,who came along after the priest8 ,willie3 ,please1 miss1 the fleabite4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,what ,,becomes ,,of ,,the ,,moons4--,h4,m4,i43 ,you have all heard of new moons1 full moons1 and crescent moons4 ,what becomes of the old moons8 ,please1 sir1 they are cut up to make stars1 was a girl's reply4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,cute6--,the teacher was questioning the class at the end of the object-lesson on the ,cat4 ,how is it that pussy can see in the dark8 said he4 ,because they feed her on lights1 answered the smart boy of the class4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,gross ,,darkness4--,in reading from the ,bible that gross darkness covered the face of the earth1 the teacher asked what gross darkness meant4 ,the top boy in mental arithmetic said3 ,one hundred and forty-four times darker than ordinary darkness4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,novel ,,weapon4--,with what weapon did ,david slay the ,philistines8 asked the examiner4 ,please1 sir1 answered a child1 the axe of the ,apostles4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,faith4--,what is ,faith8 asked the inspector4 ,faith1 replied a ten-year-old1 is that quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,fishing-,,net4--,a fishing-net1 wrote an ingenious ,standard ,,iii4 boy1 is a lot of little holes joined together by a bit of string4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,too ,,literal4--,teacher 7to newly-joined pupil73 ,what's your name8 ,boy3 ,smiff4 ,teacher3 ,where do you come from8 ,boy3 ,i dun'no4 ,teacher3 ,ever been to school before8 ,boy 7more brightly73 ,yus4 ,teacher3 ,was it a ,board ,school8 ,boy3 ,no1 brick4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,excused 7scarlet fever is bad in village74--,teacher3 ,why did you stay away from school yesterday8 ,please sir1 muvver's ill4 ,teacher 7anxiously73 ,what does the doctor say it is8 ,please sir1 he says it's a girl4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,defining ,a ,,parable4--,the definition usually taught for a parable is1 ,an earthly story with a heavenly meaning4 ,at an examination one boy wrote1 ,a heavenly story with no earthly meaning4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,jacob',s ,,dream4--,there is an amusing and1 ,i believe1 a true story concerning that wonderful dream of ,jacob's and the angels going up the ladder to heaven4 ,please1 sir1 asked one of the boys in the class to which the story was being rehearsed1 why did the angels want to go up the ladder when they had wings8 ,this nonplussed the teacher1 who took a strategic movement to rear by saying1 ,ah1 yes6 ,why8 ,perhaps one of the boys can answer that4 ,and one did4 ,please1 sir1 said he1 because they was a-moulting4 99 99 99 99 99 ,w4,h4,s4,b4--,i am told that an inspector of schools recently asked a boy attending one of the ,west ,ham ,school ,board's schools what the letters ,w4,h4,s4,b4 carved over the door meant1 and was at once informed ,what ,ho6 ,she ,bumps4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,successful ,,failure4--,the following amazing and amusing attempt at composition was the actual effort of a boy who was being examined for a full-time exemption certificate4 ,the inspector had told the children to write in their own words the substance of any story they had ever read in their own reading-books4 ,this is what the budding full-timer produced3 ,a ,fox and a ,crow in porse ,i well no1 many ,good ,things are request a ,crow having venchurd a ,dairy too go found a nice peace of chease which she flew in her beek to the top of a tree4 ,a ,fox just dined for chease felt inclined4 ,she saw her fly4 ,poor chap6 he had tried to reproduce the following3-- ,the fox and the crow1 ,in prose ,i well know1 ,many good little girls can rehearse4 ,i think it will tell1 ,pretty nearly as well ,if we try the same fable in verse4 ,in a dairy a crow ,having ventured to go1 ,some food for her young ones to seek1 ,flew up in a tree1 ,with a fine piece of cheese1 ,which she joyfully held in her beak4 ,a fox who lived by1 ,to the tree saw her fly1 ,and to share in the prize made a vow1 ,for having just dined1 ,he for cheese felt inclined1 ,so he went and sat under the bough4 ',tis a very fine day4 ,not a word did she say4 ,the wind1 ,i believe1 ma'am1 is south ,a fine harvest for peas4 ,then he looked at the cheese1 ,but the crow did not open her mouth4 ,sly ,reynard1 not tired1 ,her plumage admired1 ,how charming6 how brilliant its hue6 ,the voice must be fine ,of a bird so divine1 ,so pray1 let me hear it1 now do6 ,believe me1 ,i long ,to hear a sweet song4 ,the silly crow foolishly tries1 ,but she scarce gave one caw1 ,when the cheese she let fall1 ,and the fox ran off with the prize4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,especially ,,for ,,me4--,last ,christmas ,i was distributing the prizes at the ,upper ,kennington ,lane ,board ,school4 ,i wound up with an exhortation to the boys to be good during the coming year4 ,said ,i3 ,now1 boys1 see that when ,i come again next ,christmas ,i shall hear an excellent account of you1 and shall not have to be told that you have got into any trouble or mischief4 ,same to you1 sir6 shouted the whole school with one accord4 ,whether this was quiet humour or a mechanical reply to the time-honoured ,merry ,christmas1 boys6 which they had taken my final words to imply ,i cannot say4 ,but ,i am trying to live up to the injunction as this little book attests4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,animal ,,kingdom4--,teacher3 ,yes1 children1 we are animals4 ,quite right4 ,how do you know we are animals8 ,tommy3 ,because it says we are ,jesus's lambs6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,loyal ,,subjects4--,teacher3 ,what did the angels sing when they came to the shepherds8 ,little ,one3 ,god save our ,gracious ,king6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,need ,,for ,,caution4--,one morning the curate of the parish visited the village school to conduct the usual morning service4 ,he proceeded to give a lesson to the upper standards on ,regeneration4 ,he commenced by asking the class if any of them could tell him the meaning of the word ,regeneration1 but no reply was forthcoming4 ,it therefore fell to the curate to define the word4 ,he said1 ,regeneration means to be born again4 ,addressing himself to one little fellow1 the curate said1 ,now1 my little boy1 wouldn't you like to be born again8 ,no1 ,i shouldn't1 answered he4 ,for why8 asked the curate4 ,the boy quickly responded1 ,because ,i should be afraid of being a girl next time6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,not ,,to ,,be ,,beaten4--,a short time ago a lady gave a children's party1 to which a little boy of four was invited4 ,the next day he was giving some account of the fun1 etc41 etc41 and said that every little visitor had contributed either song or recitation1 music or dance1 for the pleasure of the rest4 ,oh dear6 ,jack6 said his mother ,how very unfortunate you could do nothing6 ,jack 7with bravado73 ,yes ,i could4 ,i was not to be beaten1 so ,i just stood up and said my prayers6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,fold ,,arms4--,inspector enters babies' room smiling4 ,inspector3 ,now1 all look at me2 ,i want you to be very good4 ,what is it to be good8 ,baby hand rises4 ,inspector3 ,well8 ,baby3 ,please1 mam1 to fold our arms4 ,inspector3 ,oh6 ,how does that make you good8 ,baby3 ,please1 mam1 it keeps our bellies warm4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,self-,,possessed4--,she was four1 and had just been promoted from the babies' class4 ,it was a number lesson1 and the little maid was first given three small blocks and then two others4 ,how many have you now8 she was asked4 ,one and one make two1 was the reply4 ,yes1 ,i know1 but ,i asked how many blocks you had now8 ,one and one make two1 was again the answer4 ,yes1 but what do three and two make8 ,the little arithmetician removed her thumb from her mouth1 jerked it in the direction of the small boys at the other side of the room1 and said1 ,one o' them'll tell you4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,one ,,reason4--,vicar 7catechising on cruelty73 ,can any boy tell me what those marvellous insects are that travel on tracks of their own making in the woods8 ,chorus3 ,ants4 ,vicar3 ,quite right4 ,now ,i have seen boys cruel enough to stamp on the laborious ants4 ,should you do so8 ,chorus3 ,no1 sir4 ,vicar3 ,girls don't stamp on ants4 ,why not1 ,todd8 ,todd3 ,please1 sir1 'cos they gets up their legs6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,rough ,,on ,,the ,,school-,,board ,,man4--,letter from parent3 ,dear ,miss1--,pleese to scuse my ,arry from a comin to scool this afternoon as 'e was nocked down by a bycycle this mornin an ,i dont want none of them nosey old scool bored men after me1 from ,mrs4 ----4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,why ,,rachel ,,was ,,away4--,dear ,madam1--,plese exkuse ,rachel ,abrams as she had to go and fech her mother's liver4 99 99 99 99 99 ',,nuff ,,said4--,a tiny tot in the babies' room was being scolded by her teacher for having dirty hands4 ,you naughty girl6 how dare you come to school with those dirty hands8 ,with tears streaming down her face the little tot answered1 ,pease1 teacher1 ,i ain't dot no more6 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,sensational ,,opening4--,teacher giving object-lesson on ,mice to five-year-olds before ,h4,m4,i4 introduces lesson by asking1 ,what animal is it which1 when you are in bed1 comes out of its hole and runs about the floor8 ,five-year-old 7in loud tones73 ,it is the li-on6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,excused4--,plese sur mister will you escus ,charlee not been to scool as he as got no trouses and is farther wont let him come without--your torueley ,mrs4 ,b----4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,pharisees4--,by a small ,londoner3 ,the ,fareses was a very minjy1 measley lot4 ,one day one of them gave ,our ,lord a penny1 and ,our ,lord held it out in ,his hand and looked at it with scorn1 and said1 ',whose subscription is this8' 99 99 99 99 99 ,,on ,,satdy4--,composition exercise by a nine-year-old3 ,on ,satdy ,i do all the work1 and then ,i go over and do all my ,ants1 in the afternoon ,i take ,missis greens baby out in the ,pram1 i get a apeny on ,satdy1 sumtimes ,i by bulls i's4 ,on ,satdy nite ,i have a baf and wate up for my farther4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,soul ,,of ,,wit4--,the teacher had given to each of a junior class a simple and familiar subject for composition4 ,for twenty minutes the class composed1 and was composed4 ,the genius of the little group had been instructed to write about ,our ,cat4 ,the result of his twenty minutes deep cogitation and tremendous effort was the following essay1 almost matchless for brevity1 clearness1 completeness1 and1 moreover1 depth of pathos3 ,our cat is dead6 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,bit ,,on ,,each ,,way4--,some lads who were beginning to write composition were told to write an essay on the horse4 ,one lad had given a good description of the animal and wished to write something about its tail4 ,he wrote the following sentence3 ,the horse sometimes has a long tail or tale4 ,when asked why he had written down the two words he replied that he thought that if one was marked wrong the other would sure to be right4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,exception4--,the ,tenth ,commandment1 up to date1 as given at a recent ,scripture examination by a lad of seven summers3 ,thou shalt not covet my nabours wife1 thou shalt not covet my nabours house1 nor his servant nor his made nor his ox nor is ass nor anything but is ears4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,see ,,that ,,ye ,,fall ,,not ,,out4--,down in ,hampshire a curate was giving a ,scripture lesson on ,joseph and his brethren4 ,he asked the boys why ,joseph said1 ,see that ye fall not out by the way4 ,a boy from a neighbouring village1 used to riding about the farm1 replied1 ,cause they had no tailboord to the caart4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,it ,,is ,,possible4--,during a ,scripture lesson1 which was being taken by a clergyman1 some boys were asked each to give a text from the ,bible4 ,one lad said1 ,and ,judas went and hanged himself4 ,well6 said the reverend gentleman1 that is hardly a good text1 and1 pointing to another lad1 asked him to give a text1 and the lad said1 ,go thou and do likewise6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,indignation4--,the following story is an amusing instance of the way in which boys mix their stories historical or scriptural4 ,when asked for the reply of ,naaman the leper to the command to wash seven times in ,jordan1 a boy gave the answer as1 ,is thy servant a dog that he should do this thing8 99 99 99 99 99 ,,no ,,room ,,for ,,the ,,conscientious ,,objector4--,a short time ago a teacher was giving a lesson on the ,birth of ,christ1 when she referred the class to the #ith chapter of ,isaiah1 and verse #f1 which reads3 ,for unto us a ,child is born1 unto us a ,son is given1 and the government shall be upon ,his shoulder1 c4 ,here the teacher asked what was meant by the government being upon ,his shoulder4 ,one child1 holding up her hand1 said1 ,please1 teacher1 it means that the child ,jesus will have to be vaccinated4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,widow ,,again4--,the teacher had been giving a lesson on ,magna ,charta1 during the course of which he tried to impress on the children the benefits certain ,articles conferred on ,englishmen at the present day4 ,he especially drew attention to ,article #bj1 and called upon a boy at the close of the lesson to repeat that ,article4 ,boy3 ,no freeman1 merchant1 or villain1 shall be excessively fined for a small offence2 the first shall not be deprived of his means of livelihood2 the second of his merchandise2 and the third of his implements of husbandry4 ,teacher3 ,can anyone tell me the name of an implement of husbandry4 ,little ,girl3 ,please1 sir6 a widow4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,thoughtful4--,billy1 an urchin of five1 going to school1 takes an apple from his pocket1 spits on it1 and rubs it vigorously on his dirty and ragged trousers4 ,hallo1 ,billy6 ,what are you doing that for8 ,billy 7holding up apple and looking pleased73 ',tis for taicher4 ,her wont ait un if he's dirty4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,correct ,,thing ,,to ,,say4--,town lad's composition on ,a ,half-holiday3 ,yesterday we had a half-holiday and ,i enjoyed myself very much4 ,after dinner ,i did the knives and forks and cleaned the windows and the boots4 ,then a boy came round with a football and wanted me to go to the park with him4 ,but ,i could not go because my mother was going out and ,i had to mind the baby4 ,when she came home we had tea1 and then ,i went to my place and took out orders till nine o'clock4 ,then ,i went to bed and came to school this morning4 ,i enjoyed myself very much4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,subject ,,to ,a ,,proviso4--,composition by boy1 age seven4 ,time4--,morning previous to half-holiday for the opening of ,kew ,bridge by the ,king4 ,subject4--,what ,i shall do this afternoon4 ,wen ,i have had my diner ,i shall call for ,bob ,scott and his mother mite let me play tops with him in there yard4 ,then we shall go on the ,common to here the band1 and if my tea is not ready ,i will wait to see the ,king go by and ,i will wave my cap at him and ,i expect he will wave his at me4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,rain ,,and ,,the ,,unjust4--,a smart boy's composition on rain3 ,rain comes down from heaven on the just and the unjust1 but mostly upon the just1 because the unjust have borrowed the umbrellas of the just and have forgotten to return them4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,surprising ,,prayer4--,how do we pray for the magistrates in the ,litany8 asked the ,vicar4 ,that it may please ,thee to bless and keep the magistrates1 giving them grace to execute all ,bishops1 ,priests1 and ,deacons1 answered the unconscious boy4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,egg-,,cups4--,i had set the class1 writes a teacher1 an essay to write on ,good ,manners4 ,they had to think about it one evening and write it the next day in school4 ,when correcting the exercise ,i came upon the following3 ,when you have the egg-cups it is good manners to put your hand before your mouth and say1 ',manners before ladies and gentlemen4' 99 99 99 99 99 ,,balaam ,,and ,,the ,,ass4--,the story as reproduced in a ,south ,london boy's essay3 ,it was about an owld gentleman as was a-wallopin' of a donkey and as the donkey was stupied he whached it with a stick1 the donkey ran agin a wall and squeezed the gentlemans leg and he walloped it then and no mistake and serve it right4 ,then the donkey began to speak and told him1 and told him he was wicked to serve him in that ere style1 and a angel come down and took sides with the donkey and preached a sarmint to the owld gentleman and they all went away jolly4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,an ,,excuse ,,for ,,late ,,arrival ,,at ,,school4--,the village tailor sent a note to the schoolmaster as his son ,james was very late one afternoon4 ,the following is the effusion3-- ,schoolmaster dear don't cane the youth1 ,he's not in fault to tell the truth1 ,his mother is the greatest sinner4 ,she would not give the kid his dinner4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,dropped ,,into ,,poetry4--,the following reply1 writes a teacher1 was received by me some years ago from a parent1 evidently of a poetical turn of mind1 in answer to an inquiry as to the cause of his boy's absence from school3-- ,i'm full of wants and minus riches1 ,truth is1 ,william has no breeches1 ,i mean to buy a pair to-night1 ,to-morrow he will come all right4 ,accept this plain apology ,from1 dear ,sir1 ever yours1 ,e4 ,b4 ,on another occasion ,i suspected ,william of truant-playing1 and sent a boy to make inquiry1 when immediately came back the answer3-- ,at one p4m4 was sent to school1 ,so must have played the nick1 ,if thrashing truants is a rule1 ,with my leave1 use the stick4 ,william is now a hard-working and well-known missionary in ----4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,found ,,out4--,a school attendance officer quite recently met a lad who1 instead of being at school1 was wending his way to a public-house for a pint of beer4 ,how is it you are not at school1 my boy8 said the man of law4 ,it's washing day1 and ,i'm going for a pint of ale for my mother4 ,he let the boy go on his errand and walked straight to the lad's house4 ,good morning1 ,mrs4 ,so-and-so4 ,how is it your boy is not at school this morning8 ,ah6 bless you1 she says1 the poor lad's ill in bed1 and has been the past two days4 ,i'm afraid we shall never rear him1 for you see he's been delicate ever sin he was born4 ,can ,i see him8 returned the officer4 ,certainly1 if you'll wait a minute till ,i see if he's awake4 ,he's had a bad night1 and ,i should not like to disturb him if he's asleep4 ,the good lady went on tiptoe to the foot of the stairs and called out very softly1 ,johnny1 ,johnny1 ,johnny1 are you awake8 ,returning to the attendance officer she said1 ,you see1 ,mr4 ,schoolboard1 ,johnny's asleep1 and it would be such a pity to disturb him4 ,just as she finished1 in walks ,johnny with the pint of beer4 ,the old lady1 to make the best of a bad job1 threw up her hands and exclaimed1 ,my dear ,johnny1 how did you get out8 ,what a bad lad to get out of the bedroom window again1 after all ,i've said6 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,trifle ,,inconsistent4--,an excited woman rushed into school one morning holding a lad by the jacket collar4 ,the moment she got inside she shouted out1 ,now1 master1 here's a lad that's been playing the wag truant1 and ,i don't intend to leave this blessed spot until ,i see him skinned4 ,please1 master1 skin him alive6 ,i must see him skinned6 she said4 ,to make the best of a serious case1 the master replied1 ,well1 ,i don't skin till ten o'clock1 and it is only a quarter past nine yet1 so you had better sit down till ,i'm ready4 ,she took a seat1 still holding the lad by the collar1 and he went to his desk4 ,in about five minutes she sent the boy to his class1 and coming up to the master1 whispered very softly into his ear3 ,please1 master1 don't touch the poor lad1 he's so delicate1 you could almost blow him away with a breath6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,johnny ,,worked ,,the ,,clock4--,plese ,sir dont cain pore jonny he as been keping the clock agoing with a stick cos is father mendid it an it wont go now an jonny kep the clock agoing so as ,i would no the time so no more as it leaves me at present4 ----4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,blurted ,,out ,,the ,,truth4--,a mother came with a truant one morning and said1 ,please excuse my boy1 he has been ill the last fortnight4 ,the master said1 ,very good1 let him go to his class4 ,the woman then turned suddenly round and1 seizing the lad by the jacket1 gave him a good shaking1 saying at the same time1 ,i'll break every bone in your dirty carcase if ,i've to come again and tell a pack of lies like this for you4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,point ,,of ,,view4--,overheard in infants playground4 ,little ,girl3 ,it's my grannie's funeral to-day4 ,i've got threepence halfpenny and a packet of sweets already4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,trifle ,,mixed4--,poor ,johnny had been on an errand for his mother and was consequently late for school4 ,his mother1 in order to coax him1 prepared to write a note to his teacher explaining his lateness4 ,the look on ,johnny's face made the mother somewhat dubious about ,johnny's going to school1 and this is how the note read3 ,dear ,sir1--,please excuse ,johnny for being late1 and kindly let me know if he hasn't been4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,she ,,was ,,sorry4--,a boy was absent from school4 ,the teacher sent to his home to ask the reason4 ,the answer came back that he was playing truant--sent by the mother4 ,the next day the master made inquiries1 and found that the mother had sent this message because she did not wish the boy's father1 who was at home when the messenger arrived1 to know that she had kept him at home4 ,during this time the boy himself was hidden in a cupboard4 ,a few weeks after a similar occurrence happened1 and a like answer was sent to the master by the mother4 ,the next day the boy appeared with the following note3 ,sir1--,sorry my boy was away yesterday1 but he had to go to the hospital and was kept1 and ,i never sent him yesterday1 and ,i was sorry to tell a lye like last time4 ,please forgive me again4--,mrs4 ----4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,lavender4--,deer ,sur1--,plese let ,jon go to the lavender wen hever he wants as he as had some metson4--,yours truly1 ,mrs4 ----4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,res ,,angusta ,,domi4--,in a village school in ,devonshire the master had one morning been giving a lesson on the life of ,jacob4 ,just as he was concluding he asked whether ,jacob was rich or poor4 ,some stated that he was rich1 while others held a contrary view4 ,eventually one of the lads who had stated that ,jacob was poor was asked for his reason1 and he replied as follows3 ,please1 sir1 the ,bible says ,jacob slept with his fathers1 and if he had been a rich man he would have had a bed to his-self4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,postman4--,the postman has to be up erly in the morning to meet the males at the station4 ,then he takes them to the ,g4,p4,o4 where they are soughted out4 ,then he ties up his streets in bungles1 and goes quickly from door to door1 because the passengers dont' like to have their letters delaid4 ,on his way back1 he collects the pillow boxes1 and conveys them to the ,g4,p4,o4 ,inside the postmen they are stamping letters4 ,the postman is a simple servent because he works for the goverment and wear a uniform4 ,he has a good time at ,xmas ,i should like to be a postman then4 ,he gets plenty of ,xmas boxes and can read all the picture postcards4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,exactly4--,the other week ,standard ,v4 were asked to write an essay on ,my ,home4 ,this is how one boy commenced3 ,our house is in ,peel ,green ,road4 ,it is on the left side going up1 and the right side coming down4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,on ,,girls4--,by a boy4--,there are two sorts of children1 boys and girls and of the two boys are the best4 ,girls cause all the rows and quarrels4 ,they think they are wonderful if they can get a bird's feather stuck in their hat4 ,they are proud and vain and are always gossipping and making mischief4 ,i simply hate them4 ,they boast of what they can do1 this that and the other and a fat lot it is when it comes to the put4 ,if there were no girls and women in the world1 it would be a very peaceful place4 ,they love to sit and rest4 ,girls do vary from day to day4 ,on washing days they think they are nearly killed4 ,they would rather gossip half a day1 than walk half a mile4 ,its no good1 they are a bad race and deceitful4 ,if your wife sells anything she keeps a shilling back4 ,girls like to wear rings and think they are ladies4 ,they bob their hair on the top like mountains and wears a fringe to make us boys think they are pretty1 but aint they just deceived4 ,the young men have a hard job to find a good and hard working wife in these days4 ,girls are cowards and ,i never knew one to face danger4 ,if a cow looks at them they run and cry4 ,boys go about with their eyes open and their mouths shut1 just the opposite to girls4 ,boys are also strong and useful while girls are timid1 frightened weak little creatures4 ,i would not be a girl for #aj4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,your ,,grace4--,a certain duchess1 well known for the interest she takes in the progress of education1 once visited a school in ,l---- and began to talk freely to a mite in the first standard4 ,several questions were put to the child1 to which the latter replied1 ,yes1 ma'am1 or ,no1 ma'am4 ,the teacher of the class was annoyed at the frequency with which the scholar used the word ma'am1 and at last said1 ,you must say ',your ,grace4' ,the duchess laughed heartily when the child began1 ,lord1 make us truly thankful1 c4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,about ,a ,,cinmattergraf4--,we had a grand cinmattergraf at school on ,november #cjth by ,eddyston4 ,eddyston is ,america man4 ,he invented to make it4 ,cinmattergraf works very fonny4 ,if you swing a stone round it is in your eye a tenth of a cetend after you have stopet4 ,if you are in a dark room and somebody brings a light it is in your eye a tenth of a cetend4 ,the cinmattergraf is like a fonagrapt4 ,it is like a mager lantin4 ,a cinmattergraf is eaquil to five thousand candles4 ,the ribbing rowls off one rowler on to another rowler4 ,the cinmattergraf was worked by angle4 ,it is like a soingnmersheen4 ,it will play any song4 ,the cinmattergraf talks like people4 ,you cant understand what a gramophone says4 ,when you light the oxgin it not give much light4 ,when one of the things is burken the other blows in and it give bleu light4 ,when the man shows the foters he has to put the lamp out4 ,because if he does not put the lamp out the pictures look shady4 ,it is the light which helps to show the pictures4 ,the pictures on the cinmattergraf are only an inch big4 ,one picture that it showed was a woman laughting1 and you could see every form her mouth was in4 ,when all the pictures were put together they were a quarter of a mile long4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,concerning ,,the ,,horse4--,standard ,,iii4 boy's essay3 ,the horse does not belong to the cat tribe1 because its paws are hoofs4 ,it breathes with its gills when it is young and chews the cud just like other people4 ,there are many kinds of horses such as racer horses and hunters and worker horses and little welsh ponies4 ,a mule is a horse with long ears and if a horse had long ears it would be called a donkey4 ,you can see the age of a horse if you look in its mouth4 ,it is defensive with its hind legs and when they kick you1 you say1 ,woe4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,retort ,,courteous4--,one of my boys1 writes a friend1 had his hair notched in a disgraceful manner one morning1 and ,i quietly asked him who cut it4 ,the accompanying note was the result3 from missus ----1--sir--as you seam so anshus to no wear my boy ad is air cut i wish to tell you that i put im in the cole seller al larst nite so as the rats cood nibbel hit horf and i cood save tuppence4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,on ,,the ,,baby4--,a baby is a man or woman as they first enter the world1 and is sometimes called a infant1 and they bring plenty of joy to its parents4 ,babies need much care because the bones are not strong enough for the baby to be used naturally4 ,when a baby is a few months old a malecart is wanted so as to give it some fresh air1 and it as to be nursed till it can crawle about on the flour4 ,most women like babies very much and wouldn't do without them4 ,when first it is born it is very teisey and begins to cry1 and they are enough to make anyone mad4 ,it also needs a lot of care1 for it will enhail any disease4 ,baby is the pet of the family1 especially mother1 who if the baby is a boy he becomes her darling boy in after years4 ,when baby is about four years old it is briched if it is a boy1 but if a girl she remains in her same clothes4 ,to look after a baby is very awkard if you ain't used to it1 for they jump and kick and have to be carefully handled4 ,it is crisined when it is old enough to eat solid food4 ,some babies are very tiresome and have to be nutritiously looked after4 ,my father told me that he came in a little blue box1 but learned men say we came from monkeys4 ,if the mother trys to learn it to walk very early it will make them bandy4 ,my baby is a dear little thing6 99 99 99 99 99 ,to keep milk from turning sour you should leave it in the cow4--,,jane1 aged #aj4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the ,duke of ,marlborough was a great general1 who always fought with a fixed determination to win or lose4--,,our ,,sammy1 aged #aa4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the name of ,csar's wife was ,csarea4 ,she was above suspicion4--,,small ,,boy',s ,,history ,,paper4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,excused6 ,,teacher3 ,why did you stay away yesterday1 ,jimmy8 ,,jimmy3 ,please1 sir1 muvver's ill6 ,,teacher3 ,oh6 that's bad6 ,what does the doctor say it is8 ,,jimmy3 ,please1 sir1 he says it's a girl6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,fond ,,mother3 ,charley1 do you know ,god's other name8 ,,charley3 ,yes1 mamma1 we learnt it to-day4 ,harold be ,thy name6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,parental ,,note3 ,dear ,sir1--,don't hit our ,johnny4 ,we never do it at home except in self-defence6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,head ,,master3 ,how did ,god bless ,abraham8 ,,small ,,boy 7in whose home there has just been a ,double ,event73 ,by giving him only one baby at a time6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,mistress3 ,why is a motor-car called ',she'8 ,,small ,,boy3 ,because it is driven by a man6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,teacher3 ,now1 ,frank1 if you are not a good boy you won't go to heaven4 ,,frank3 ,oh1 well6 ,i went with father in ,mr4 ,b4's yacht1 and ,i went to the circus4 ,a little boy can't expect to go everywhere6 99 99 99 99 99 ,h4,m4 ,,inspector3 ,if ,i dig right down through the earth1 where shall ,i come to8 ,,small ,,boy 7who has been commended at the ,diocesan ,examination73 ,the devil and all his works6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,teacher3 ,what is a ,mediator8 ,,small ,,boy3 ,a chap who says hit me instead6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,juvenile ,,complaints4 7,,as ,,described ,,in ,,parental ,,excuse ,,notes47 ,new ,roger ,neuralgia4 ,real ,raw ,jaw ,piper's ,dance--,st4 ,vitus ,dance4 ,haricot ,veins--,varicose ,veins4 ,double ,demoniacks--,double ,pneumonia4 ,scarlet ,concertina--,scarletina4 ,illustrated ,throat--,ulcerated ,throat4 ,information of the ,eye--,inflammation of the ,eye4 ,,and ,,so ,,on4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,teacher3 ,what is luke-warm water8 ,,small ,,girl3 ,water that lukes warm but isn't6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,teacher3 ,now1 little ones1 you can take off your warm overcoats4 ,can the bear take his off8 ,,little ,,ones3 ,no1 miss6 ,,teacher3 ,why not8 ,,delighted ,,little ,,one3 ,because only ,god knows where the buttons are6 99 99 99 99 99 ,the anshent ,britons painted themselves all over blue with the juce obtained from the tree o nolledge of ,good and ,evil4--,,from ,,harry',s ,,composition ,,exercise4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,teacher3 ,what is a widow8 ,,little ,,girl3 ,a lady what marries the lodger6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,teacher3 ,what is this8 ,,young ,,hopeful3 ,a picture of a monkey4 ,,teacher3 ,can any child tell me what a monkey can do8 ,,young ,,hopeful3 ,please1 teacher1 a monkey can climb up a tree4 ,,teacher3 ,yes1 and what else can a monkey do8 ,,young ,,hopeful3 ,please1 teacher1 climb down again6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,boy 7reading73 ,she threw herself into the river4 ,her husband1 horror-stricken1 rushed to the bank---- ,,teacher 7interposing73 ,what did he run to the bank for8 ,,boy3 ,to get the insurance money6 99 99 99 99 99 ,h4,m4 ,,inspector3 ,if twenty feet of an iceberg be above the water1 about how much is below the water8 ,,jim3 ,all the rest6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,tommy3 ,mamma1 who made the lions and the elephants8 ,,mamma3 ,god1 my dear4 ,,tommy3 ,and did ,he make the flies1 too8 ,,mamma3 ,yes1 my dear4 ,,tommy 7after a period of profound reflection73 ,fiddlin' work making flies6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,teacher3 ,why cannot we hear the bear walk about8 ,,child ,,in ,,lancashire ,,town3 ,because it hasn't got no clogs on6 99 99 99 99 99 ,h4,m4 ,inspector was examining a class of infants on the value of money4 ,he held up a threepenny-piece and a penny4 ,now1 my children1 which would you rather have1 this small piece of money or the large one8 ,a little one held up her hand4 ,well8 ,please1 sir1 the large one4 ,and why would you rather have the large one8 ,because my mother would make me put the threepenny-bit in my money-box1 but ,i could spend the penny4 99 99 99 99 99 ,tommy is in the ,second ,standard1 and aged eight4 ,the class was asked to write a short letter to teacher describing their doings on ,guy ,fawkes night4 ,he began in right good style with the orthodox ,dear ,miss ,c----4 ,everything went quietly till the close4 ,it was then that ,tommy shone4 ,he wound up3 ,i remain1 your loving son in who ,i am well pleased1---- 99 99 99 99 99 ,manners is a very good thing when you are trying for a situation4--,,from ,,james ,,henry',s ,,composition4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the essay was upon ,dreams4 ,one boy who has a great dread of arithmetic dreamt he was in heaven1 where his teacher kept calling out1 ,no sums right1 stand up6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,teacher3 ,well1 well1 ,james6 ,home lesson sums all wrong6 ,,james3 ,yes1 teacher4 ,i knew they would be4 ,father would help me6 ,,the ,,end4 ,,printing ,,office ,,of ,,the ,,publishers ,by the ,author of ,school-,room ,humour4 ,the ,gentle ,golfer ,with over #ajj ,pen-and-,ink ,sketches by ,,arthur ,,moreland4 ,fcap1 #hvo1 #ahj pp4 ,paper ,covers #a_/-1 ,cloth #a_/f4 ,the humour is infectious4--,evening ,standard and ,st4 ,james's ,gazette4 ,these lively sketches will appeal to every golfer4--,sheffield ,daily ,telegraph4 ,written in a very racy style4--,liverpool ,courier4 ,intensely amusing and not wholly uninstructive4--,field4 ,bristol3 ,j4 ,w4 ,arrowsmith4 ,london3 ,simpkin1 ,marshall1 ,hamilton1 ,kent ,co4 ,ltd4 ,,arrowsmith',s ,,pocket ,,series4 ,fcap4 #hvo1 ,leather1 ,gilt top and back1 #c_/f net4 ,cloth #b_/f net4 ,the ,westcotes4 ,by ,sir ,,arthur ,,quiller-,,couch4 ,from a ,cornish ,window4 ,by ,sir ,,arthur ,,quiller-,,couch4 ,the ,prisoner of ,zenda4 ,by ,,anthony ,,hope4 ,rupert of ,hentzau4 ,being a ,sequel to ,,the ,,prisoner ,,of ,,zenda4 ,by ,,anthony ,,hope4 ,sophy of ,kravonia4 ,by ,,anthony ,,hope4 ,the ,diary of a ,nobody4 ,by ,,george and ,,weedon ,,grossmith4 7,with an appreciative letter from ,,lord ,,rosebery47 ,home ,life with ,herbert ,spencer4 ,by ,,two4 ,the ,charm of the ,west ,country4 ,an ,anthology4 ,compiled and ,edited by ,,thomas ,,burke4 ,,bristol3 ,j4 ,w4 ,,arrowsmith ,,ltd4 ,,london3 ,,simpkin1 ,,marshall ,,co4 ,,ltd4 ,arrowsmith's #a_/ net ,series of ,cloth-bound ,novels1 ,,with ,,picture ,,wrappers4 ,foolscap #hvo size4 ,ziska4 ,by ,,marie ,,corelli4 ,called ,back4 ,by ,,hugh ,,conway4 ,the ,tinted ,venus4 ,by ,f4 ,,anstey4 ,hetty ,wesley4 ,by ,sir ,,arthur ,,quiller-,,couch ,patricia at the ,inn4 ,by ,j4 ,c4 ,,snaith4 ,the ,man who was ,thursday4 ,by ,g4 ,k4 ,,chesterton4 ,johnny ,fortnight4 ,by ,,eden ,,phillpotts4 ,two in a ,tent--and ,jane4 ,by ,,mabel ,,barnes-,,grundy4 ,pearla4 ,by ,miss ,,betham-,,edwards4 ,,bristol3 ,j4 ,w4 ,,arrowsmith ,,ltd4 ,,london3 ,,simpkin1 ,,marshall ,,co4 ,,ltd4 ,a ,selection of ,arrowsmith's #f_/- ,books4 ,the ,prisoner of ,zenda4 ,by ,,anthony ,,hope4 ,rupert ,of ,hentzau4 ,by ,,anthony ,,hope4 ,sophy of ,kravonia4 ,by ,,anthony ,,hope4 ,ziska3 ,the ,problem of a ,wicked ,soul4 ,by ,,marie ,,corelli4 ,my ,own ,fairy ,book4 ,by ,,andrew ,,lang4 ,the ,westcotes4 ,by ,sir ,,arthur ,,quiller-,,couch4 ,two ,sides of the ,face4 ,by ,sir ,,arthur ,,quiller-,,couch4 ,from a ,cornish ,window4 ,by ,sir ,,arthur ,,quiller-,,couch4 ,true ,tilda4 ,by ,sir ,,arthur ,,quiller-,,couch4 ,brother ,copas4 ,by ,sir ,,arthur ,,quiller-,,couch4 ,the ,man ,who ,was ,thursday4 ,by ,g4 ,k4 ,,chesterton4 ,the ,vacillations of ,hazel4 ,by ,m4 ,,barnes-,,grundy4 ,marguerite's ,wonderful ,year4 ,by ,m4 ,,barnes-,,grundy4 ,a ,close ,ring4 ,by ,m4 ,,betham-,,edwards4 ,dromina4 ,by ,,john ,,ayscough4 ,a ,roman ,tragedy and ,others4 ,by ,,john ,,ayscough4 ,woodhays4 ,by ,e4 ,f4 ,,pierce4 ,suse ,o',bushy4 ,by ,w4 ,a4 ,,allan4 ,the ,gentleman ,help4 ,by ,,elizabeth ,,holland 7,,lady ,,owen47 ,,bristol3 ,j4 ,w4 ,,arrowsmith ,,ltd4 ,,london3 ,,simpkin1 ,,marshall ,,co4 ,,ltd4 ,transcriber ,notes3 ,passages in italics were indicated by underscores4 ,small caps were replaced with ,,all ,,caps4 ,throughout the document1 the oe ligature was replaced with oe4 ,throughout the dialogues1 there were words used to mimic accents of the speakers4 ,those words were retained as-is4 ,the illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate4 ,thus the page number of the illustration might not match the page number in the ,list of ,illustrations1 and the order of illustrations may not be the same in the ,list of ,illustrations and in the book4 ,errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected unless otherwise noted4 ,on page #i1 a period was added after ,,chapter ,i4 ,on page #ai1 ithers was replaced with others4 ,on page #dj1 a period was added after ,standard ,,vii4 ,on page #ed1 a period was added after are grisle4 ,on page #fd1 sanwiches was replaced with sandwiches4 ,on page #fd1 apetites was replaced with appetites4 ,on page #ga1 a single quotation mark after ,cast out a devil1 sir6 was replaced with a double quotation mark4 ,on page #ih1 a period was added after hot nor cold4 ,on page #ajg1 a period was added after ,b4 ,on page #aai1 a quotation mark was added before is your favorite writer4 ,on page #abj1 a single quotation mark was added after their lives4 ,on page #abi1 a single quotation mark after sweet song was replaced with a double quotation mark4 ,on page #acb1 a single quotation mark before ,how many was replaced with a double quotation mark4 ,on page #adh1 an errand was replaced with on an errand4 ,on page #aec1 ,november th #cj was replaced with ,november #cjth4 ,in the first advertisement1 a period was added after ,field4