,,three ,,valuable ,,books4 ,beautifully printed and elegantly bound4 ,the ,art of ,conversation1 ,with ,directions for ,self-,culture4 ,an admirably conceived and entertaining book--sensible1 instructive1 and full of suggestions valuable to every one who desires to be either a good talker or listener1 or who wishes to appear to advantage in good society4 999999 ,price #a4ej4 ,the ,habits of ,good ,society4 ,a ,handbook for ,ladies and ,gentlemen4 ,with thoughts1 hints1 and anecdotes concerning social observances2 nice points of taste and good manners2 and the art of making oneself agreeable4 ,the whole interspersed with humorous social predicaments2 remarks on fashion1 etc4 999999 ,price #a4ge4 ,the ,art of ,amusing4 ,a collection of graceful arts1 merry games1 and odd tricks1 intended to amuse everybody1 and enable all to amuse everybody else4 ,full of suggestions for private theatricals1 tableaux1 charades1 and all sorts of parlor and family amusements4 ,with nearly #aej illustrative pictures4 999999 ,price #b4jj4 ,these three books are the most perfect of their kind ever published4 ,they are made up of no dry stupid rules that everybody knows1 but are fresh1 sensible1 good-humored1 entertaining1 and readable4 ,every person of taste should possess them1 and cannot be otherwise than delighted with them4 999999 ,each will be sent by mail1 free1 on receipt of price1 or the three books for #e4jj4 ,carleton1 ,publisher1 ,new ,york4 ,illustration3 ,,the art of ,,amusing ,,by ,frank ,bellew ,,carleton1 ,publisher1 ,,new ,,york4 ,,the ,,art ,,of ,,amusing4 ,,being ,a ,,collection ,,of ,,graceful ,,arts1 ,,merry ,,games1 ,,odd ,,tricks1 ,,curious ,,puzzles1 ,,and ,,new ,,charades4 ,,together ,,with ,,suggestions ,,for ,,private ,,theatricals1 ,,tableaux1 ,,and ,,all ,,sorts ,,of ,,parlor ,,and ,,family ,,amusements4 ,a ,,volume ,,intended ,,to ,,amuse ,,everybody ,,and ,,enable ,,all ,,to ,,amuse ,,everybody ,,else2 ,,thus ,,bringing ,,about ,,as ,,near ,,an ,,approximation ,,to ,,the ,,millennium ,,as ,,can ,,be ,,conveniently ,,attained ,,in ,,the ,,compass ,,of ,,one ,,small ,,volume4 ,,by ,,frank ,,bellew4 ,,with ,,nearly #aej ,,illustrations ,,by ,,the ,,author4 ,illustration ,,new ,,york3 ,carleton1 ,publisher1 #dac ,broadway4 ,london3 ,s4 ,low1 ,son ,co4 ,,mdccclxvi4 ,entered according to ,act of ,congress1 in the year #ahff1 by ,,geo4 ,w4 ,,carleton1 ,in the ,clerk's ,office of the ,district ,court of the ,united ,states for the ,southern ,district of ,new ,york4 ,illustration ,to ,j4 ,c4 ,w4 ,to you1 my little kinsman1 ,i dedicate these pages1 ,tho' not so wise1 perhaps1 as some you've read by graver sages2 ,they're not without a purpose1 and ,i trust a kind and true one1 ,older than eighteen hundred years1 still good as any new one4 ,if they could cheer some winter nights1 and make some days seem brighter1 ,i'd feel ,i'd paid a groat or so1 ,of that great debt of love ,i owe1 ,to one at rest who1 long ago1 dealt kindly by the writer4 ,f4 ,b4 ,,contents4 ,,chapter ,i4--,something censorious4--,declaration of ,independence4--,card puzzle4--,the magic coin4--,a hoax4--,the telescopic visitor4--,boy's head knocked off4 #g ,,chapter ,,ii4--,colored mesmerism4 #ag ,,chapter ,,iii4--,lemon pig and root dragon4--,portrait of the gorilla4--,creature comforts4--,high shoulders4--,theatre and theatrical performances4--,nose turned up and teeth knocked out without pain4--,the ,long-nosed ,night-howler1 or ,vulgaris ,pueris cum ,papyrus ,capitus4--,imitation banjo on piano4--,some conjuring tricks4--,the reduced gentleman1 or dwarf perforce4 #bj ,,chapter ,,iv4--,the voice of the ,night-howler4--,the play of ,punch and ,judy1 with full directions for producing the same4--,charade on rattan4 #ch ,,chapter ,v4--,parlor arts and ornaments1 comprising apple-seed mice1 turnip roses1 beet dahlias1 and carrot marigolds4--,counting a billion4--,the algebraic paradox4--,answer to charade on rattan4--,riddles1 etc4 #ef ,,chapter ,,vi4--,a patent play4 #gb ,,chapter ,,vii4--,pragmatic and didactic discourse4--,aunty ,delluvian1 her party4--,the duck and double-barrelled speech4--,the dwarf4--,trick with four grains of rice4--,riddles1 etc4 #ha ,,chapter ,,viii4--,the dancing ,highlander and ,matadore4 #ii ,,chapter ,,ix4--,answer to trick with four grains of rice4--,how to make an old apple-woman out of your fist4 #aje ,,chapter ,x4--,about giants1 and how to make them4 #aaj ,,chapter ,,xi4--,a merry ,christmas4--,the boomerang4--,optical illusion4--,how to turn a young man's head4--,the tiger-dog1 how to make him4--,the elephant1 how to make him4--,two queer characters4--,captain ,dawk and ,colonel ,gurramuchy4 #aac ,,chapter ,,xii4--,hanky-panky1 instruction in the art4 #acd ,,chapter ,,xiii4--,a tranquil mood4--,transparencies of paper4--,the dancing pea4--,artificial teeth4 #ach ,,chapter ,,xiv4--,artemus ,ward1 parlor edition4 #aeg ,,chapter ,,xv4--,bullywingle the ,beloved4 ,a drama for private performance4 #afd ,,chapter ,,xvi4--,a quiet evening4--,fruit animals4--,window staining4--,oddities with pen and ink4 #ahi ,,chapter ,,xvii4--,a country ,christmas4--,the trick trumpet4--,eatable candle4--,how to cut off a head4--,ventriloquism4--,the jumping rabbit4--,santa ,claus arrives4 #aii ,,chapter ,,xviii4--,the bird-whistle1 how to make it4 #bai ,,chapter ,,xix4--,a quiet party4--,electric nose4--,miniature camera4--,the hat trick4--,the magician of ,morocco4 #bbb ,,chapter ,,xx4--,theatrical red and green fire1 how to make them4--,how to get up a theatrical storm4 #bcb ,,chapter ,,xxi4--,card-board puzzles1 the cross1 the horseshoe1 the arch4 #bch ,,chapter ,,xxii4--,the muffin man4--,earth1 air1 fire1 and water4--,the broken mirror4 #bdc ,,chapter ,,xxiii4--,at a watering-place4--,a ladies' fair4--,three sticks a penny4--,smoking a cigar under water4--,firing at a target behind you4--,firing firewater4--,a practical joke4--,explosive spiders4 #bed ,,chapter ,,xxiv4--,arithmetical puzzles4--,the wolf1 the goat1 and the cabbage4--,alderman ,gobble's six geese1 etc41 etc4 #bfd ,,chapter ,,xxv4--,charades4 #bga ,,chapter ,,xxvi4--,the art of transmuting everything into coral4 #bgd ,,chapter ,,xxvii4--,acting charades4 #bgi ,,chapter ,,xxviii4--,the worship of ,bud4 #bii ,the ,art of ,amusing4 ,all work and no play1 ,makes ,jack a dull boy4 ,,chapter ,i4 ,illustration ,perhaps one of the great social faults of the ,american is1 that he does not amuse himself enough1 at least in a cheerful1 innocent manner4 ,we are never jolly4 ,we are terribly troubled about our dignity4 ,all other nations1 the ,french1 the ,german1 the ,italian1 and even the dull ,english1 have their relaxation1 their merry-making2 but we--why1 a political or prayer-meeting is about the most hilarious affair in which we ever indulge4 ,the ,french peasant has his ducas almost every week1 when in some rustic orchard1 lighted with variegated lamps1 ornamented with showy booths1 he dances the merry hours away with ,pauline and ,josephine1 or sips his glass of wine with the chosen of his heart in a canvas cabaret1 whilst the music of a band and the voices of a hundred merry laughers regale his ears4 ,he has1 too1 numberless ftes1 which he celebrates with masquerades and other undignified kinds of jollification4 ,at these entertainments all are welcome1 high and low1 and all conduct themselves with a politeness worthy of our best society--only more4 ,we1 the writer of this1 have often and often danced at these bals champtres with a hired girl1 a cook1 or a nurse for our partner4 ,does it not sound plebeian8 ,the ,germans enjoy endless festivals and gift periods1 when they have the meanness to offer each other little presents that an't worth more than two or three cents2 but they are tokens of love and kindness1 which make them all feel better and happier4 ,then our grumpy friend1 ,john ,bull1 has his free-and-easies1 and his cosy tavern parlor-meetings1 and song-singings1 and his dinner-parties1 and his tea-fights1 at which latter1 be the host rich or poor1 you will get a good cup of tea1 and tender muffins1 and buttered toast1 and cake1 and shrimps1 and fresh radishes1 and ,scotch marmalade1 or similar delicacies4 ,a delightful repast and a cosy chat1 followed1 perhaps1 by a rubber of whist and a glass of wine or whiskey-punch1 or mug of ale1 according to the condition of the entertainer2 then there is a general unbending of the bow1 and no one is troubled about his dignity4 ,we have seen1 ourselves1 in ,england1 in a stately old castle1 a party of lords and ladies--for we1 like the boy who knew what good victuals were1 having been from home several times--even we have seen good company--we say that we have seen a party of lords and ladies1 knights and dames of high degree1 and of mature years1 romping and frolicking together1 like a lot of children1 playing ,hunt the ,slipper1 ,puss in the ,corner1 and ,blindman's ,buff1 without the remotest idea that they had such a thing as dignity to take care of2 and no one seemed to have the slightest fear that any one of the party could by any possibility do anything that would offend or mortify any one else4 ,the fact is1 gentlemen or gentlewomen can do anything2 all depends on the way of doing it4 ,if you are a snob1 for heaven's sake don't be playful2 keep a stiff upper lip and look grave2 it is your only safety4 ,however1 we are improving4 ,we have skating clubs4 ,we play cricket and base ball4 ,we dine later1 and take things a trifle more leisurely4 ,theatre-going1 our chief amusement1 can hardly be reckoned a healthy relaxation1 though well enough now and then4 ,sitting in a cramped attitude1 in a stifling atmosphere1 is not conducive to moral or physical development4 ,what we need are informal social gatherings1 where we may laugh much and think little1 and where dignity won't be invited2 where we need not make ourselves ill with bad champagne and ice-starch1 nor go into the other extreme of platitudes1 ice-water and doughnuts3 but where both body and mind will be treated considerately1 tenderly1 generously4 ,now we are going to give a few hints that may help to make little meetings such as we mention pass pleasantly2 and should any of our austere readers be afraid to risk our programme in full1 they can call in the children and make them shoulder the responsibility4 ,it is1 you can say1 a child's party1 and then you can enjoy all the fun yourself4 ,the juveniles will not object4 ,if merely for the purpose of promoting conversation1 something ought to be done1 on all occasions of social gatherings1 something to talk about1 something that will afford people an excuse for getting from their seats1 something to bring people together1 something to break the ice4 ,we have seen a whole party of very estimable people sit round the room for hours together in an agony of silence1 only broken now and then by a small remark fired off by some desperate individual1 in the forlorn hope that he would bring on a general conversation4 ,in our little sketches we shall be discursive1 erratic1 and unsystematic1 just as the fancy takes us4 ,still1 there will be a method in our madness2 we shall try to give in each chapter a programme somewhat suited to some one season1 and of sufficient variety and quantity to afford amusement for one evening4 ,illustration ,in the first place1 we must remark1 in a general way1 that we like a large centre-table4 ,it is something to rally round1 it is handy to put things on1 and convenient for the bashful to lean against4 ,on this table ,i would accumulate picture-books1 toys1 and knick-knacks--little odds and ends which will serve as subjects for conversation4 ,if you can do no better1 make a pig out of a lemon and four lucifer matches1 or an alligator out of a carrot4 ,but we will give some detailed instructions on this point in a future chapter4 ,any simple puzzles1 numbers of which can be made out of cards1 will be found helpful4 ,take1 for example1 a common visiting-card1 and bend down the two ends1 and place it on a smooth table1 as represented in the annexed diagram1 and then ask any one to blow it over4 ,this seems easy enough2 yet it is next door to an impossibility4 ,still1 it is to be done by blowing sharply and not too hard on the table1 about an inch from the card4 ,another little trick consists in making a coin 7if such a thing is to be found nowadays7 stick to the door4 ,this is done by simply making a little notch with a knife on the edge of the coin1 so that a small point of metal may project1 which1 when it is pressed against the woodwork1 will penetrate1 and so cause the dime or half-dime to appear to adhere magically to a perpendicular surface4 ,when you have exhibited one or two tricks of this kind1 some other member of the party may have something to show4 ,then1 having secured the confidence of your audience1 you may venture to play a hoax upon them4 ,never mind how trifling or how old these things are1 they will serve the purpose of making people talk4 ,say1 for example3 ,now1 ladies and gentlemen1 ,i will show a trick that is worth seeing4 ,there are only two people in the ,united ,states that can execute it--myself and the ,siamese ,twins4 ,first of all1 ,i must borrow two articles from two ladies--a pocket-handkerchief and--a boot-jack4 ,of course no one has the boot-jack2 so1 pretending to be a little disappointed1 you say3 ,never mind2 ,i must do without it4 ,will some gentleman be kind enough to lend me three twenty-dollar gold pieces8 ,of course no one has these1 either2 so you content yourself with borrowing two cents4 ,you place one in each hand1 and extending your arms wide apart1 assure your audience that you will make both pennies pass into one hand without bringing your arms together4 ,this you do by laying one on the mantel-piece1 and turning your whole body round1 your arms still extended1 till the hand containing the other coin comes over the place where you laid down the cent2 then you quietly take it up1 and the trick is performed4 ,after a little conversation1 you can try something which requires a little more preparation4 ,the servant1 whom you have previously instructed1 comes into the room and announces that that gentleman has called to look at the pictures4 ,you desire him to be shown in1 and a short1 broad-shouldered man makes his appearance4 ,soon after he enters1 he turns his back on the company and begins to examine the works of art on the wall1 lengthening and shortening his body to suit the height of the object he wishes to inspect4 ,this is performed by your little brother or son1 aided by a broom1 a couple of cloaks1 and a hat4 ,how1 you will doubtless be able to understand by looking at the subjoined picture4 ,illustration ,illustration ,another trick of the same order can be performed in this wise3 ,the servant comes in to inform you that a naughty little boy--,jacky or ,willy--in another room won't eat his custard1 but will cry for ice-cream1 or roast-beef1 or alligator-soup4 ,every one is invited into the room to see this singular child4 ,you find him seated on a high chair1 with a very dirty face1 making grimaces4 ,you take the dish of custard in one hand and a large spoon 7the larger the better7 in the other1 and begin to expostulate with him on his perversity1 but all to no effect2 he only cries and makes faces4 ,you then tell him if he does not behave better you will be obliged to knock his head off4 ,he continues not to behave better1 whereupon you give him a tap with the spoon1 and1 to the surprise of all1 his head rolls off on to the floor4 ,your audience then find out that the naughty boy was made of a pillow and a few children's clothes1 whilst the head was supplied by ,master ,jacky or ,willy1 ingeniously concealed behind the chair4 ,,chapter ,,ii4 ,a good practical joke to play in a rollicking party1 where you can venture to do it1 is that of mesmerizing2 you of course manage beforehand to lead the conversation to the subject of mesmerism1 then profess to have wonderful powers in that line yourself4 ,after more or less persuasion1 allow yourself to be induced to operate4 ,you then say3 ,well1 ,i will try if there is any person in the company who is susceptible to the magnetic influence4 ,it is only in rare cases we find this susceptibility2 the person must be of exquisitely fine organization and steady nerve4 ,few people can look one long enough in the face to come under the influence2 and1 if the current be suddenly broken1 the result is apt to be very serious1 if not fatal1 by producing suspended action of the heart and vital organs generally4 ,having now fully impressed on your audience the absolute necessity of keeping still1 you begin to look into the eyes of different persons1 press their hands1 make passes at them1 etc41 as though you were searching for the right temperament4 ,at last you come to your intended victim1 and pronounce him just the man4 ,you now seat him in a chair1 whilst you go into another room to prepare the necessary implements4 ,these are two plates1 each having on it a tumblerful of water4 ,one plate1 however1 must be thoroughly blackened at the bottom1 by holding it in the smoke of a lamp or candle4 ,this done1 you carry the plates and tumblers into the audience1 and hand the one which is black to the victim1 who is seated in a chair4 ,before commencing operations1 you must warn the audience that it is absolutely necessary that they observe strict silence1 as the least word or exclamation will break the charm1 and be attended with painful effects to both operation and operatee4 ,you may tell how1 after being once disturbed in this manner1 you had most painful shooting-pains in your nose for fifteen minutes1 that being the point in contact with your finger at the moment of interruption4 ,all this is to prevent any one giving vent to some exclamation calculated to betray the trick to your victim4 ,illustration3 ,,colored ,,mesmerism4--,see page #ai4 ,you now seat yourself opposite the subject1 and desire him to keep his eyes steadily on yours1 and imitate the motions of your fingers4 ,you then commence4 ,first1 you dip your finger in the water1 and draw it down the centre of your nose2 he does the same2 then you rub the bottom of your plate with your fingers1 and draw it over your chin2 he follows your example1 and makes a black smudge on his face2 you rub the bottom of the plate again1 and draw your finger over your nose1 and so on for several minutes1 till the victim has smeared himself all over with black4 ,you then rise and compliment him on the steadiness with which he underwent the ordeal1 adding1 however1 that he has too powerful a nervous organization for you to operate on4 ,the victim will generally rise with a rather complacent smile at these compliments1 at which point the audience will generally explode with laughter4 ,the victim looks puzzled--more laughter--the victim1 thinking they are laughing at your failure1 joins in the merriment1 which generally has the effect of convulsing every one1 when the climax is reached by handing a mirror to the unhappy operatee1 who usually looks glum1 and does not see much fun in the joke4 ,,chapter ,,iii4 ,we will now describe a little party we attended at a country house one ,christmas1 some years ago2 and should any of our readers find aught in the entertainment they think worth copying1 they can do so4 ,illustration ,when we arrived at ,nix's house all the company had assembled--it consisted of about ten grown people and a dozen children4 ,all were in a chatter over a couple of little objects on the centre-table4 ,the one a pig manufactured out of a lemon1 and the other a dragon1 or what not1 adapted from a piece of some kind of root our friend ,nix had picked up in the garden4 ,we alluded to these works of art in our last chapter1 and now give a couple of sketches of them4 ,as will be seen1 they are very easy of manufacture1 and not excessively exciting when made1 but they serve to set people talking4 ,one person told the story of ,foote1 or some other old wit1 who1 at a certain dinner-table1 after numerous fruitless efforts to cut a pig out of orange-peel1 retorted on his friend who was quizzing him on his failure3 ,pshaw6 you've only made one pig1 but 7pointing to the mess on the table7 ,i have made a litter4 ,then some one else discovered a likeness between the dragon and a mutual friend1 which produced a roar of laughter4 ,then a child exclaimed1 ,oh6 what a little pig6 and some one answered her3 ,yes1 my dear1 it's a pigmy4 ,then a young lady asked how the eyes were painted1 and a young gentleman replied3 ,with pigment4 ,whereupon a small boy called out1 ,go in lemons6 which was considered rather smart in the small boy1 and he was told so1 which induced him to be unnecessarily forward and pert for the rest of the evening2 but as he never succeeded in making another hit1 he gradually simmered down to his normal condition towards the end of the entertainment4 ,one group got into conversation about the dragon1 the dragon led to fabulous animals generally1 fabulous animals to antediluvian animals1 these to pre-,adamite animals1 and so in a few minutes they were found deep in the subject of ,creation2 whilst the group next to them1 owing to some one's having conjectured whether my friend's piece of sculpture could walk1 and some one else having suggested that it might be made to do so by means of clock-work or steam1 had got on to the subject of machinery1 modern improvements1 flying-machines1 and were away two thousand years off in the future1 making a difference of no less than ten thousand years between themselves and the other party4 ,at about this juncture of affairs1 we happened to notice a book on the table treating of a certain very interesting animal1 the newly discovered ,african ape1 a subject which was attracting a good deal of attention at that time4 ,we took the work in our hand and read on the cover the inscription3 ,portrait of the ,gorilla4 ,nix1 we said to our friend1 still holding the book in our hand1 if all we hear of this gorilla be true1 it must be a most extraordinary animal1 although ,i am rather inclined to be sceptical in the matter2 however1 ,i have no right1 perhaps1 to form an opinion1 as ,i have never looked into the subject2 but ,i'll get you to lend me this book to-morrow4 ,i will take the greatest care of it1 and return it2 yes1 ,i will1 upon my word of honor4 ,you never knew me fail to return any work you lent me4 ,this we said rather warmly1 thinking we detected a somewhat suspicious smile playing round the corner of our friend's mouth4 ,oh6 yes1 certainly1 replied he2 you can have it with pleasure--though ,i think your doubts will vanish when you have looked into it4 ,we did not notice specially that all eyes were upon us4 ,we carelessly opened the volume1 and there1 by all the spirits ever bought and sold6 was a neat little mirror between the covers of the book1 and reflected in it our own lovely countenance4 ,portrait of the ,gorilla6 eh8 ,this was what the boys would call rather rough1 but every one except ourself seemed to think it quite funny4 ,it was some satisfaction1 however1 to know that every one of the party had been taken in in like manner before our arrival4 ,a slight but pleasant tinkling now fell upon our ear1 and behold6 a maiden entered1 bearing a tray covered with tall crystal minarets1 and transparent goblets1 which sparkled and twinkled in the lamplight1 followed by a more youthful figure supporting vessels of porcelain and implements of burnished silver1 above which wreathed and curled clouds of aromatic incense2 or1 in other and better words1 two hired girls brought in coffee and punch4 ,punch6 was it punch1 or was it negus1 or was it sherbet8 ,we don't know1 but it was a pleasant1 moderately exhilarating beverage1 compounded of whiskey1 raspberry syrup1 sugar1 and orange-flower water1 and manufactured by ,nix1 as he subsequently explained1 at a cost of about thirty cents per bottle4 ,a few little cakes and some plates of thin1 daintily cut slices of bread-and-butter accompanied the beverages1 and were handed round with them4 ,we are great believers in eating and drinking at all social gatherings4 ,it is convenient to have something to do with your mouth when you are stumped in the way of conversation4 ,if suddenly asked a puzzling question1 or hit in the chest with a sarcasm1 what a resource is a glass of wine or cup of coffee1 in which to dip your nose whilst you collect your ideas1 or recover your breath4 ,besides1 they give you something to do1 generally1 in a small way4 ,they afford opportunities for small attentions1 and excuses for rising from your seat1 or moving from one part of the room to the other4 ,added to which1 wine and coffee and cakes are nice things to take--you have the gratification of an additional sense4 ,then1 too1 these little things are refreshing1 and put you all in good-humor4 ,therefore1 for all these good reasons1 and many more1 we insist on refreshments1 and we insist1 too1 upon some kind of vinous stimulant2 this ice-water and doughnut business has been carried altogether too far2 had we less of it in our homes1 less money would pour into the coffers of the bar-keeper4 ,if persons are teetotallers1 all very well2 we respect their opinions1 and1 perhaps1 decline their invitations2 but for people who have no moral scruples on the subject1 to ask you to visit them1 and then insist on your drinking red-hot weak green tea1 when you are already nervous1 perspire readily1 have a tender gullet1 and hate the confounded stuff any way1 is downright tyranny1 and the very opposite of all hospitality and true ,christian charity4 ,however1 our friend ,nix held orthodox views on this question2 so all went well4 ,by dint of helping each other to things we did want1 and offering each other things we didn't want1 with the aid of a cup of coffee for those that liked coffee1 and a glass of punch for those who liked punch1 not to forget the little cakes1 which came in quite handy to nibble at occasionally1 we all began to feel wonderfully at our ease1 and quite sociable4 ,the conversation did not flag much2 but once when it showed a slight tendency to wobble1 ,nix set it in motion again by introducing the subject of optical illusions in connexion with the height of objects4 ,after informing us that a horse's head was exactly as long as a flour-barrel1 and that a common stove-pipe hat was as broad across the crown as it was high from the brim to the top 7both of which statements were argued pro and con71 he drew our attention to the vast difference the position of the shoulders make in a man's height4 ,this he illustrated by walking from the audience with his shoulders in their natural position1 until1 having traversed half the length of the room1 he suddenly raised them1 as represented in the accompanying sketches4 ,the effect was quite startling1 and very ludicrous4 ,all the male part of the company tried their shoulders at this experiment1 even down to ,freddy ,nix1 a little three-year-old1 who1 after ducking his head down on his chest1 and toddling off across the room1 returned swaggering1 evidently under the impression that he had made a perfect giant of himself by the operation4 ,illustration ,illustration ,this was nominally a child's party1 so we were to have some performances4 ,the folding-doors into the adjoining parlor were closed1 and one or two members of the company who were to be performers retired4 ,in a few moments the doors opened and revealed an extempore stage4 ,the kitchen clothes-horse1 beautifully draped and decorated1 formed the background2 while on a line with the foot-lights were two heads1 one at each side of the stage1 intended to represent ,tragedy and ,comedy4 ,they were simply two large pumpkins with grotesque faces marked on them with black and white paint4 ,in less than no time a most remarkable-looking stranger stepped forward and began to address us4 ,every one stared1 and wondered whence this singular-looking person could have come1 for we hardly supposed that ,nix could have had him secreted in the house all the evening for our special surprise4 ,at last it dawned upon us1 one by one1 that the individual in question was no other than ,mr4 ,graham1 a very staid gentleman1 who had been with us a moment before4 ,the annexed brace of sketches will show the appearance of ,mr4 ,graham off and on the stage4 ,but how was this change effected8 ,we will explain4 ,in the first place he had procured a narrow strip of black silk1 which he had drawn round one of his front teeth1 with the two ends inside his mouth1 which1 at a very short distance1 looked exactly as though he had lost one of his teeth4 7,a little piece of court-plaster stuck on the tooth will answer the same purpose47 ,then he had made a loop of horse-hair or grey thread1 and securing two of the ends to the lining inside his hat1 had hooked up the end of his nose with the other2 in fact1 he had put his nose in a sling4 ,this altered the character of his whole face1 so that his own wife would not have known him had she not heard him speak4 ,he now addressed the audience in a long1 funny1 showmanic rigmarole1 of which we only remember the following3 ,ladies and gentlemen1 you have all heard of the ,ornithorhyncus1 which1 as you are aware1 is a species of duck-billed ,platypus4 ,you are familiar with the habits and appearance of the ,ororo ,wow2 and you have listened to the sweet notes of the ,catomonsterbung2 but you are entirely ignorant of the newly-discovered creature known to scientific men as the ,long-nosed ,night-,howler1 or ,vulgaris ,pueris cum ,papyrus ,capitus4 ,this extraordinary animal is chiefly sugariverous in its diet1 though it will eat almost everything when driven by hunger4 ,it is perfectly tame1 and will only attack human beings when it feels like it4 ,i will now proceed to exhibit this extraordinary creature1 requesting you only not to run pins into the animal1 as it does not like that style of thing4 ,bring in the ,night-,howler66 ,the last words were addressed in a loud voice to an assistant outside1 who immediately appeared1 leading an animal such as is represented in the annexed cut4 ,this monster began immediately to emit the most hideous and unearthly noises1 as became the ,night-,howler4 ,after walking round among the audience once or twice1 the ,vulgaris ,pueris retired behind the curtain4 ,the accompanying sketch will explain how the ,night-,howler is made4 ,beyond the boy and the boots and the brown-paper cap1 all that is wanted is a rough shawl or large fur cape4 ,the howl is produced by means of one or two instruments1 into the construction of which we will in a future chapter initiate our readers4 ,with one of these instruments the most varied tones may be produced1 from the grunt of the hog to the most delicate notes of the canary4 ,illustration ,illustration ,the performance now proceeded3 the second act being some feats of strength by one of our party who had the necessary physical ability for that kind of display4 ,these embraced the following programme1 each feat being announced by ,mr4 ,showman with some extravagantly pompous title3 ,balancing chair on chin4 ,holding child three years old at arm's length4 ,lying with the head on one chair and the heels on another without any intermediate support1 and in this position allowing an apparently heavy but really light trunk to be placed on his chest4 ,the whole wound up by his dancing a negro breakdown to imitation banjo#a on the piano1 the entire audience patting ,juba4 #a ,should any of our friends not know how to produce an imitation of the banjo on a piano1 we may as well inform them that it is done by simply laying a sheet of music over the strings during the performance4 ,now another performer appeared on the stage1 dressed in extravagant imitation of the one who had preceded him1 and commenced parodying in a still more extravagant style all the motions of the professional acrobat4 ,we expected something grand6 ,after innumerable flourishes he brought forward a small three-pound dumb-bell1 laid it on the floor1 and1 bowing meekly to the audience in different parts of the house1 he stooped down as though about to make an immense muscular effort1 grasped the dumb-bell1 slowly stretched it forth at arm's length1 held it there a second or two1 and then laid it down again1 made a little flourish with his hands1 and a low bow1 just as they do in the circus after achieving something extra fine4 ,in this way the performer went on burlesquing till we all roared with laughter4 ,when he had retired1 a conjuror appeared and exhibited numerous tricks1 such as the ring trick1 tricks with hat and dice1 cup and ball1 etc42 but as all these need machinery1 we will not describe them at present4 ,one or two1 however1 we may explain4 ,no4 #a4 ,the performer presented a pack of cards to one of the audience and begged him to select a card2 this the performer then took in his own hand1 and carried it with its face downward1 so that he could not see it1 and placed in the middle of the floor of the stage2 he then produced a large brown-paper cone1 and placed it over the card1 and commenced talking to the audience1 telling them what he could do and what he could not do3 finally he informed the audience that he could make that card pass to any place he or they chose to name4 ,where would they have it8 ,one said one place1 one another1 till finally he pretended reluctantly to accede to one particularly importunate person's wishes1 and declared that it should be found in the leaves of a certain book on a certain table at the back of the audience--and there it was1 sure enough4 ,this was done by having a piece of waxed paper attached to a thread lying ready in the middle of the floor2 on this waxed paper the conjuror pressed the card1 the thread being carried out under the screen at the back1 where stood a confederate1 who quietly pulled the card out from under the cone1 and while the conjuror was talking he walked round1 entered by another door1 and placed the card in the book1 where it was subsequently found4 ,another trick consisted in his allowing a person to draw a card which he was requested to examine carefully1 and even to mark slightly with a pencil4 ,while the spectator was doing this1 the performer turned round the pack in his hand so as to have all the faces of the cards upwards except the top one1 which showed its back2 he then desired that the card might be slipped anywhere into the pack2 he then shuffled them well4 ,of course1 on inspecting the pack he soon detected the selected card1 it being the only one with its face down1 which1 after various manipulations1 putting under cones and what not1 he returned to the audience much to their surprise4 ,these efforts at legerdemain were certainly not very brilliant1 but they amused the audience and were easy to do4 ,we should like to give a few more of his simple tricks1 but with one illusion-trick we will close the chapter1 for which purpose it will serve1 as it formed the finale to the conjuror's performance4 ,he stepped forward and said3 ,i have shown you many wonderful things1 but they are as nothing compared to what ,i can do4 ,my supernatural power is such that ,i can lengthen or compress the human frame to any extent ,i please4 ,you doubt it8 ,well1 ,i will show you4 ,you see ,mr4 ,smith1 yonder2 he is a rather tall man2 six feet two1 ,i should judge8 ,well1 ,i will throw him into a trance1 and while he is in that state1 ,i will squeeze him down to a length of about three feet1 and ,i will have him carried to you in that condition4 ,i must only insist upon one thing1 and that is1 that you do not say hokey pokey winkey fumm while he is in the trance2 for if you do it might wake him up1 and then he would be fixed at the height of three feet for the rest of his life2 ,i could never stretch him out again4 ,mr4 ,smith was requested to step behind the curtain4 ,he walked forward1 pale but firm and collected4 ,soon after he had disappeared we heard strange noises and fearful incantations1 accompanied by a slight smell of brimstone and a strong smell of peppermint4 ,after a few minutes the tall ,mr4 ,smith was carried in on the shoulders of two men a perfect dwarf1 as promised by the conjuror1 and as represented in the following cut4 ,illustration ,how this is managed will become tolerably clear to the reader on examining the next diagram4 ,the tall ,mr4 ,s4 had put a pair of boots on his hands1 a roll of sheeting round his neck1 so as to form something resembling a pillow1 behind his head2 then something on his arms under his chin to represent his chest 7which is not shown in the diagram71 and over that a baby's cradle-quilt1 and then he rested his boots on another gentleman's shoulders2 two long sticks were provided and slung as represented1 and the miracle was complete4 ,we have seen the figure lengthened to an inordinate extent by the same process1 the only difference being that the gentlemen were further apart4 ,illustration ,mr4 ,nix's party concluded1 after several other games and amusements1 with a neat but inexpensive entertainment1 consisting of sandwiches1 sardines1 cold chicken1 cakes1 oranges1 apples1 nuts1 candies1 punch1 negus1 and lemonade4 ,but everything was good of its kind2 the sandwiches were sandwiches1 and not merely two huge slices of bread plastered with butter1 concealing an irregular piece of sinew and fat1 which in vain you try to sever with your teeth1 till you find yourself obliged to drop the end out of your mouth1 or else to pull the whole piece of meat out from between the bread1 and allow it to hang on your chin till you cram it all into your mouth at once4 ,his were not sandwiches of that kind1 but1 as we said before1 sandwiches2 the cakes had plenty of sugar in them1 and so had the lemonade4 ,but1 above all1 what made these little trifles the most enjoyable was the taste displayed by some one in the decoration of the table with a few evergreens1 some white roses made out of turnip1 and red roses out of beets1 not to mention marigolds that once were carrots1 nor the crisp frills of white paper which surrounded the large round cakes1 nor the green leaves under the sandwiches1 the abundance of snowy linen1 shining knives and forks1 and spoons4 ,but we must conclude2 what we wish particularly to impress upon the minds of our readers by thus dwelling on sandwiches and fine linen is1 that you cannot afford to ignore one sense while you propose to gratify another2 they are all intimately related and bound together like members of a fire company2 if you offend one1 all the others take it up4 ,,chapter ,,iv4 ,in our last chapter we promised to explain the nature of the little instrument by which the ,night-,howler produced those hideous and unearthly noises to which we alluded4 ,we will now proceed to do so2 and as this instrument is the same as that used by showmen in the play of ,punch and ,judy1 we cannot do better1 while we are about it1 than instruct our readers how to get up a ,punch and ,judy show4 ,first1 with regard to the instrument4 ,it is a very simple affair3 get two small pieces of clean white pine1 and with a sharp knife cut them of the shape and size of the diagram marked #a4 ,then put these two pieces together as represented in ,figure #b1 having previously slipped between them a piece of common tape1 also represented in the diagram 7the tape must be just the same width as the wood72 then wind some thread round the whole thing lengthwise 7to keep the bits of wood together and the tape taut71 and the ,punch-trumpet is made1 as represented in figure #c4 ,place the instrument between your lips and blow2 if you cannot produce noise enough to distract any well-regulated family in three-quarters of an hour1 we are very much mistaken4 ,illustration ,to produce variety of notes and tones1 as well as to speak through it1 after the manner of the ,punch showmen1 the instrument must be placed well back in the mouth near the root of the tongue1 in such a position that you can blow through it and at the same time retain free use of your tongue4 ,a little practice will enable you to do this1 and to pronounce many words in a tolerably understandable manner4 ,to discover this last item in the use of the instrument1 simple as it is1 cost the writer of this an infinity of trouble and some money2 and it was not until after two years' hunting and inquiry1 and the employment of agents to hunt up professors of ,punch and ,judy1 that we discovered an expert who1 for a handsome fee1 explained the matter2 and then1 of course1 we were amazingly surprised that we had never thought of it before4 ,from the same expert we learned how to make another instrument by means of which it is possible to imitate the note of almost every animal1 from the hog to the canary-bird4 ,we soon compassed the hog1 the horse1 the hen1 the dog1 the little pig1 and something that might be called the horse-linnet1 or the hog-canary2 but ere long we found that considerable practice was necessary to enable us to accomplish the finer notes of the singing-birds4 ,how to make this latter instrument we will explain in a future chapter2 at present we must go on with the play of ,punch and ,judy4 ,we commence instructions with a view taken behind the scenes1 which will help the description 7see cut on page #dj74 ,we may state that the ,london showmen carry about with them a species of little theatre of simple construction1 which is of course better than a mere door-way2 but as the latter will answer the purpose1 and many people will not care to make a theatre1 we will at present content ourselves with that which every house affords4 ,illustration3 ,,punch ,,and ,,judy1 ,,behind ,,the ,,scenes4--,see page #dj4 ,in the play of ,punch and ,judy there are many characters--indeed1 you can introduce almost as great a variety as you please2 but the leading ones are3 ,mr4 ,punch1 a merry gentleman1 of violent and capricious temper4 ,judy 7wife of ,punch74 ,baby 7offspring of ,punch and ,judy74 ,ghost4 ,constable4 ,the heads of these characters can be made in several ways4 ,the first is to get the necessary number of common round wooden lucifer match-boxes and some red putty4 ,with the putty you make the noses and chins of the characters 7all except the ,ghost1 who requires no nose74 ,with a camel's-hair brush and a little ,india-ink or black paint you mark out the features strongly1 taking care to make the eyes and eyeballs of a good size1 so as to be seen at a distance4 ,with a little red paint or red chalk you can color the cheeks1 and with a little white paint or white chalk give brilliancy to the teeth and eyes4 ,the annexed cut will show what the style of countenance ought to be of each1 ,no4 #a being the ,constable1 ,no4 #b ,judy1 and ,no4 #c ,mr4 ,punch himself4 ,the ,ghost is not represented4 ,in feature he is much like the ,constable1 only that his face must be made as white as possible1 and the features simply marked out in blue or green or black4 ,the ,baby can be made out of an ordinary clothes-pin or stick of wood4 ,illustration ,illustration ,illustration ,illustration ,if the match-boxes cannot be easily obtained1 just roll up a good-sized card1 as represented in this figure1 and paint on it the features4 ,the nose and chin can be made of a bit of red rag or paper folded up of the desired shape1 and either sewed or gummed on4 ,another and far better way of making these heads 7though it takes more trouble71 is to get a carpenter to cut out for you four or five pieces of white pine or other fine wood of the shape of the sketch annexed1 with a hole in each large enough to easily admit your fore-finger4 ,from this block you can carve as elaborate a head as you please1 and one of larger size than the match-box1 which will be advantageous4 ,the diagram marked ,o will show you how to set about making the carving4 ,having now made the bald heads1 you must proceed to dress them4 ,punch must have a bright red cap with yellow tassel and binding1 like the one in the accompanying sketch4 ,judy must have a white cap with broad frill and black ribbon4 ,the ,constable must have a wig made out of some scrap of fur 7the remains of a tippet or cuff71 or if fur cannot be procured1 a piece of rope unravelled will make a good wig4 ,the ,ghost only requires his winding-sheet drawn over his head4 ,all these can be nailed on the heads of the actors with small tacks without hurting their feelings4 ,illustration ,having got the heads complete1 we will proceed to construct their bodies4 ,these merely consist of empty garments1 the operator's hand supplying the bone and sinew4 ,the dresses must be neatly fastened round the neck of the head1 so that when the performer puts his hand inside the dress1 he can thrust his fore-finger into the hole in the head4 ,they must of course be sufficiently large to admit the hand of the showman1 each sleeve to admit a thumb or finger1 and the neck large enough for the passage of the fore-finger4 ,thus the thumb represents one arm1 the middle finger another arm1 whilst the fore-finger1 thrust into the head1 supports and moves it about4 ,the style of dress of ,punch and ,judy can be easily seen in the small sketch4 ,the color of ,punch's coat should be red1 with yellow facings1 with a hump sewed on his back and a paunch in front4 ,judy should have a spotted calico and white neck-handkerchief4 ,the ,constable had better be attired in black1 and the ,ghost and ,baby in white4 ,each of the sleeves should have a hand fastened into it4 ,the hands can be made of little slips of wood1 with fingers and thumbs marked on them4 ,they should be about two and a half or three inches long1 only about three-quarters of an inch of which1 however1 will project beyond the sleeve2 the rest1 being inside1 will serve to give stiffness to the arm when the performer's fingers are not long enough to reach the whole way4 ,illustration ,mr4 ,punch requires a club wherewith to beat his wife1 and to perform his various other assaults and batteries4 ,a gallows1 too1 should be provided1 on the plan represented in the diagram1 the use of which will be explained hereafter4 ,so much for the performers4 ,now for the theatre and the play4 ,the theatre is easily made4 ,a narrow board about three or four inches wide should be fixed across an open doorway just about one inch higher up than the top of the head of the exhibitor4 ,from this board hangs a curtain long enough to reach the floor4 ,behind this curtain stands the operator1 with his actors all ready on a chair or table at his side4 ,he puts his ,punch-trumpet in his mouth1 gives one or two preliminary root-et-too-teet-toos1 puts his hand fairly inside ,mr4 ,punch's body1 and hoists him up so that half his manly form may be seen above the screen4 ,a glance at our picture1 ,,behind ,,the ,,scenes1 will explain anything our words have failed to convey4 ,the audience are of course on the opposite side of the curtain to which the performer stands4 ,before we commence with the dialogue of the play1 we must mention one very important part of the exhibition4 ,as ,mr4 ,punch's voice is1 at the best of times1 rather husky1 it is necessary that the exhibitor should have a colleague or interpreter among the audience who knows the play by heart1 and who1 from practice1 can understand what ,mr4 ,punch says better than the audience4 ,this person must repeat after ,punch whatever he may say1 only not to wound his feelings2 he must do so in the form of questions--for example1 suppose ,mr4 ,punch says1 ,oh6 ,i've got such a pretty baby6 the showman outside must repeat3 ,oh6 you've got a pretty baby1 ,mr4 ,punch1 have you8 ,where is she8 ,the outside showman ought to have some instrument to play on--a tin tea-tray or tin pan will do--and if there is any one to accompany him on the piano when ,mr4 ,punch sings a song or dances1 so much the better4 ,now for the play4 ,mr4 ,punch makes his dbut by dancing round his small stage in an extravagant and insane manner1 singing some rollicking song in his own peculiar style4 ,having indulged himself in this way for a few seconds1 he pulls up suddenly1 and looking over the edge of the screen at the showman outside1 exclaims3 ,punch4 ,i say1 old hoss6 ,showman4 ,i say1 'old hoss6' ,mr4 ,punch1 that's not a very polite way to address a gentleman4 ,well1 what do you say8 ,p4 ,i say6 ,s4 ,well1 what do you say8 ,p4 ,i say6 ,s4 ,well1 you've said ',i say6' twice before4 ,what is it you have to say8 ,p4 ,i say6 ,s4 ,what8 ,p4 ,nothing particular6 ,mr4 ,punch dances off1 hilariously singing4 ,s4 ,nothing particular6 ,well1 that is a valuable communication4 ,p4 7,stopping again74 ,oh1 you ,april fool6 ,s4 ,april fool8 ,no1 ,mr4 ,punch1 ,i'm not an ,april fool4 ,this isn't the first of ,april4 ,p4 ,isn't it8 ,well1 salt it down till next year4 ,s4 ,salt it down till next year8 ,no1 thankee1 ,mr4 ,punch4 ,guess you'll want it for your own use4 ,p4 ,mr4 ,showman6 ,s4 ,well1 ,mr4 ,punch8 ,p4 ,have you seen my wife8 ,s4 ,seen your wife8 ,no1 ,mr4 ,punch4 ,p4 ,she's such a pretty creature6 ,s4 ,such a pretty creature1 eh8 ,well1 ,i'd like to be introduced4 ,p4 ,she's such a beauty6 ,she's got a nose just like mine 7touching his snout with his little hand74 ,s4 ,got a nose just like yours1 eh8 ,well1 then1 she must be a beauty4 ,p4 ,she's not quite so beautiful as me1 though4 ,s4 ,not so beautiful as you8 ,no1 of course not1 ,mr4 ,punch2 we couldn't expect that4 ,p4 ,you're a very nice man4 ,i like you4 ,s4 ,well1 ,i'm glad you like me1 ,mr4 ,punch4 ,p4 ,shall ,i call my wife8 ,s4 ,yes1 by all means call your wife1 ,mr4 ,punch4 ,p4 7,calling loudly74 ,judy6 ,judy1 my dear6 ,judy6 come up-stairs6 ,judy now makes her appearance4 ,punch draws back and stands gazing at her for a few minutes in mute admiration4 ,without moving1 he exclaims3 ,what a beauty6 then1 turning to the audience1 he asks earnestly3 ,isn't she a beauty8 ,he now turns to ,judy and asks her for a kiss2 they approach and hug each other in a prolonged embrace1 ,mr4 ,punch all the time emitting a species of gurgling sound expressive of rapture4 ,this is repeated several times1 interspersed with the remarks of ,mr4 ,punch on the beauty of his spouse2 after which1 at ,mr4 ,p4's suggestion1 the couple dance together to lively music and the enlivening tones of ,mr4 ,p4's voice2 the performance winding up by ,mr4 ,punch's leaning up against the door of the theatre exhausted and delighted1 and giving vent to a prolonged chuckle of gratification4 ,punch now turns to the ,showman and asks him if he has ever seen his ,baby4 ,the ,showman replying in the negative1 ,punch extols the beauty of his offspring in the same extravagant strain as he has already done that of his wife1 makes the same comparison between his own and the ,baby's nose1 declares that the ,baby never cries1 and that she is so fond of him4 ,the ,baby is now ordered to be brought up-stairs1 and ,judy disappears to obey her lord's mandate4 ,during her absence ,punch favors the company with a song4 ,when ,judy returns1 bearing the infant ,punch in her arms1 ,mr4 ,p4 goes into raptures1 calls it a pretty creature1 pats its cheek1 and goes through all the little endearing ceremonies common to fathers4 ,after again informing the ,showman that his ,baby never cries1 and is fondly attached to him1 he takes the infant in his arms1 whereupon she immediately sets up a continuous howl4 ,punch tries to hush and pacify it for some time1 but at last1 losing his temper1 shakes it violently and throws it out of the window1 or in other words1 at the feet of the audience4 ,judy is of course distracted1 weeps bitterly1 and upbraids her husband1 when the enraged ,mr4 ,punch dives down-stairs and gets his club1 and whilst ,mrs4 ,p4 is still weeping1 gives her three or four sound blows on the back of the head4 ,this makes ,mrs4 ,p4 cry still more1 which1 in turn1 increases ,mr4 ,p4's wrath1 who ends by beating her to death and throwing her after the ,baby4 ,the ,showman upbraids ,punch with his crime1 but ,punch defends himself by saying it served her right4 ,however1 he finally admits that he is naturally a little hasty1 but then he adds1 ,it's over in a minute1 and that's the kind of disposition he likes4 ,he further adds3 ,p4 ,i'm a proud1 sensitive nature4 ,s4 ,you're a proud1 sensitive nature1 are you1 ,mr4 ,punch8 ,i don't see much pride in killing a baby4 ,p4 ,that's because you don't understand the feelings of a gentleman4 ,s4 ,because ,i don't understand the feelings of a gentleman8 ,well1 if those are the feelings of a gentleman1 ,i don't want to understand them1 ,mr4 ,punch4 ,this dialogue can be carried on to suit the taste and invention of the exhibitor4 ,presently1 while ,mr4 ,p4 is recklessly glorying in his crime1 declaring that he is afraid of nothing1 and laughing to scorn the ,showman's admonition1 the ,ghost makes his appearance close to ,mr4 ,p4's shoulder1 and stands there for some time1 listening unobserved to ,punch's brag4 ,after a while1 however1 turning round1 ,punch catches sight of him1 and is rooted to the spot with horror for a few seconds2 then he retreats backwards1 his whole body trembling violently1 till he reaches the side of the theatre2 here he turns round slowly to hide his face from the awful apparition4 ,when1 by turning away1 he loses sight of the ,ghost for a few seconds1 he recovers his voice so far as to say to the ,showman in trembling tones3 ,w-h-h-a-a-t a hor-r-r-rid creature6 ,what an awful creature6 ,then he turns round very slowly to see whether the horrid creature is gone1 but finding it still there1 suddenly jumps back--jambs himself up in the corner--pokes his head out of the window1 and screams1 ,murder6 murder6 murder6 shaking all the time violently4 ,this he repeats several times1 till at last the ,ghost disappears4 ,then ,mr4 ,p4 recovers his courage and swaggers about as before1 vowing he is afraid of nothing1 etc41 etc4 ,now appears on the stage the ,constable1 who twists himself about in a pompous style for some seconds1 and then addressing ,mr4 ,punch1 says3 ,constable4 ,i've come to take you up6 ,p4 ,and ,i've come to knock you down6 7which he accordingly does with his club74 ,the ,constable gets up1 and is again knocked down several times in succession4 ,not relishing this style of thing1 however1 he disappears and returns with a club1 and a battle royal ensues1 part of which--that is to say1 one round of the battle--shows the skill of the ,constable in dodging ,mr4 ,p4's blows1 and can be made immensely funny if properly performed4 ,it is done in this way3 ,the ,constable stands perfectly still1 and ,punch takes deliberate aim2 but when he strikes1 the ,constable bobs down quickly1 and the blow passes harmlessly over his head4 ,this is repeated frequently1 the ,constable every now and then retaliating on ,mr4 ,p4's nob with effect4 ,not succeeding with the sabre-cut1 ,punch tries the straight or rapier thrust4 ,he points the end of his baton straight at the ,constable's nose1 and after drawing back two or three times to be sure of his aim1 makes a lunge2 but the ,constable is too quick1 dodges on one side1 and ,punch's club passes innocently out of the window4 ,this is repeated several times1 till the ,constable sails in and gives ,punch a whack on the head1 crying3 ,there's a topper6 ,punch returns the compliment with the remark3 ,there's a whopper6 ,now they have a regular rough and tumble1 in which ,punch is vanquished4 ,the ,constable disappears and returns with the gallows1 which he sticks up in a hole already made in the stage 7four-inch board previously mentioned71 and proceeds to prepare for the awful ceremony of hanging ,mr4 ,p4 ,punch1 never having been hung before1 cannot make out how the machine is intended to operate--at least he feigns profound ignorance on the subject4 ,when the ,constable tells him to put his head into the noose1 he puts it in the wrong place over and over again1 inquiring each time1 ,that way8 till at last the executioner1 losing all patience1 puts his own head in the loop1 in order to show ,mr4 ,p4 how to do it1 saying3 ,there6 that's the way6 ,now do you understand8 ,to which ,punch responds1 ,oh6 that's the way1 is it8 at the same time pulling the end of the rope tight1 and holding on to it till the struggling functionary is dead1 crying all the time3 ,oh6 that's the way1 is it8 ,now ,i understand6 ,punch dances a triumphant jig1 and so ends the immoral drama of ,punch and ,judy4 ,many more characters can be added at the option of the performer1 besides which1 jokes and riddles can be introduced to any extent4 ,we have given the skeleton of the play1 with all the necessary information for getting up the characters4 ,we will conclude this chapter with an excellent charade1 the answer to which will be given in the next chapter3 ,,charade4 ,my whole is the name of the school-boy's dread1 ,my first is the name of a quadruped2 ,my first transposed a substance denotes1 ,which in carts or in coaches free motion promotes2 ,transpose it again1 and it gives you the key ,which leads to the results of much industry4 ,my second is that which deforms all the graces ,which cluster around the fair maidens' fair faces2 ,transpose it1 and it gives you the name of a creature ,of no little notice in the history of nature4 ,now take my whole in transposition1 ,and it will give you the dress of a ,scotch musician4 ,,chapter ,v4 ,illustration ,heretofore the fireside amusements recorded by us have been rather masculine in their character4 ,in this chapter we shall have the pleasure of describing an entertainment of more feminine qualities4 ,it was a small party1 of the description which the ,scotch call a cookeyshine1 the ,english a tea-fight1 and we a sociable4 ,a few young ladies in a country village had conspired together to pass a pleasant evening1 and the head conspirator wrote us a note1 which consisted of several rows of very neat snake-rail fences 7not rail snake fences1 as the ,irishman said71 running across a pink field4 ,we got over the fences easily1 and found ourselves in a pretty parlor1 with six pretty young ladies1 one elderly ditto1 and a kind of father4 ,the ladies1 as we entered1 were engaged in making tasty little scent-bags4 ,we had often seen the kind of thing before1 but never so completely carried out4 ,illustration ,the principal idea consisted in making miniature mice out of apple-seeds1 nibbling at a miniature sack of flour4 ,but in this case they had filled the sack with powdered orris-root1 and the small bottles with otto of roses1 making altogether a very fragrant little ornament4 ,the subjoined sketch will convey the idea to any one wishing to try her hand at this kind of art4 ,as to the process of manufacture1 that is simple enough3 you first make neat little bags of white muslin1 and with some blue paint 7water color7 mark the name of the perfume1 in imitation of the ordinary brands on flour-bags2 then fill the bag with sachet-powder and tie it up4 ,you then get some well-formed apple-seeds1 and a needle filled with brown thread or silk with a knot at the end2 after which pass the needle through one side of the small end of the seed1 and out through the middle of the big end2 then cut off your thread1 leaving about half an inch projecting from the seed2 this represents the tail of the mouse4 ,after this you make another knot in your thread1 and pass it through the opposite side of the small end of the seed1 bringing it out1 not where you did the other thread1 but in the middle of the lower part1 that part1 in fact1 which represents the stomach of the mouse4 ,you can now sew your mouse on the flour-sack4 ,it should be borne in mind that the two knots of thread1 which represent the ears1 must appear near the small end of the seed4 ,we once saw some mice made of apple-seeds where the ears were placed at the big end1 producing the most ridiculous effect4 ,we annex enlarged diagrams of each style4 ,it will be seen that one looks like a mouse1 whilst the other resembles a pollywog1 or a newly-hatched dragon4 ,illustration ,you must now get a good-sized card1 and if you wish to have it very nice1 paint it to resemble the boards of a floor4 ,on this you sew your sack1 and one or two stray mice who are supposed to be running round loose4 ,then having provided yourself with a couple of those delicate little glass bottles of about an inch and a half in length1 which are to be found in most toy-stores1 you fill them with otto of roses or any other perfume2 and with a little strong glue or gum1 stick them to the card in the position represented4 ,if glass bottles are not to be obtained1 you may cut some out of wood1 a small willow stick perhaps being the best for the purpose2 blacken them with ink1 and varnish them with weak gum-water1 at the same time sticking on them little pieces of paper to represent the labels1 and1 if you please1 a little lead-paper round the neck and mouth of the bottles1 to give the flasks a champagney flavor4 ,the boxes and jars are likewise cut out of wood1 and easily painted to produce the desired appearance4 ,after a time1 while the young ladies were still at work on the mice like so many kittens at play1 a practical young gentleman1 in spectacles and livid hands1 came in1 and asked of what use were those articles4 ,upon which one of the young ladies very properly replied that they did not waste their time in making anything useful4 ,this seemed to afford an opportunity to the young gentleman to say something agreeable in connection with beauty2 but he put his foot in it1 and we heard him late in the evening1 as the party was breaking up1 trying to explain his compliment1 which1 though well intended1 had unfortunately taken the form of an insult1 and had not been well received4 ,we had observed1 on entering1 that one of the young ladies present wore in her hair a very beautiful white rose1 and that another held in her hand a small bunch of marigolds4 ,as the season was mid-winter1 this fact attracted our attention1 and we very gracefully complimented said damsel on the beauty of her coiffure1 at the same time expressing our ardent admiration for flowers generally1 roses particularly1 and white roses above all other roses4 ,we had made a study of them4 ,we spoke rapturously of them as the poetry of vegetation1 as vestals among flowers1 as the emblems of purity1 the incarnation of innocence4 ,then the young lady asked us how we liked them boiled1 and taking the one from her head begged us to wear it next our heart for her sake4 ,we received it reverentially at her hand--it was heavy as lead4 ,her somewhat ambiguous language immediately explained itself as she gaily stripped off the leaves and revealed a good-sized turnip-stock on a wooden skewer4 ,we felt slightly embarrassed1 but got over the difficulty by saying that when we spoke so poetically we had no idea what would turn-up4 ,ah6 sighed one of the young ladies1 it is the way of the world2 the flower worshipped from afar1 possessed1 will ever turn out a turnip6 ,or1 added we1 as in the case of ,cinderella's humble vegetable turn up1 a turnout4 ,this inoffensive little joke1 being rather far-fetched1 perhaps1 was immediately set upon and almost belabored to death by those who understood it2 whilst for the enlightenment of those who did not1 we had to travel all the way to fairy-land1 so that it was some time before we got back to vegetable flowers--a subject on which we felt not a little anxious to be enlightened1 as we saw therein something that might interest our friends who meet by the fireside and help us in our occupation of unbending the bow4 ,marvellously simple were the means employed in producing such beautiful results4 ,a white turnip neatly peeled1 notched all round1 stuck upon a skewer1 and surrounded by a few green leaves1 and behold a most exquisite white rose1 perfect enough to deceive the eye in broad daylight at three feet distance4 ,the above sketch will explain the whole mystery at once4 ,illustration3 ,,rose ,,in ,,process ,,of ,,making4 ,illustration3 ,,rose ,,completed4 ,on the same principle a marigold may be cut out of a round of carrot with a little button of beet-root for the centre2 a daisy can be made from a round of parsnip with a small button of carrot for the centre2 a dahlia from a beet2 and several other flowers from pumpkins4 ,it will be easily seen that a beautiful bouquet can be compiled of these flowers with the addition of a few sprigs of evergreen4 ,indeed1 great taste and ingenuity may be displayed in managing these simple materials4 ,when the process had been explained to us1 as above described1 we expressed our delight1 at the same time saying carelessly that there were doubtless millions of ladies in the country who would find pleasure in learning so graceful an accomplishment4 ,the gentleman with the gold spectacles was down upon us in a moment4 ,did we know what a million meant8 ,to which we promptly replied that a million meant ten hundred thousand4 ,did we know what a billion meant8 ,a billion1 according to ,webster1 was a million million4 ,a light twinkled out of the gold spectacles1 and a glow suffused the expansive forehead1 as1 with a certain playful severity1 he propounded the following3 ,how long would it take you to count a million million1 supposing you counted at the rate of two hundred per minute for twenty-four hours per day8 ,we replied1 after a little reflection1 that it would take a long time1 probably over six months4 ,with a triumphant air1 the gold spectacles turned to our friend ,nix4 ,nix1 who is a pretty good accountant1 thought it would take nearer six years than six months4 ,one young lady1 who was not good at figures1 felt sure she could do it in a week4 ,gold ,spectacles exhibited that intense satisfaction which the mathematical mind experiences when it has completely obfuscated the ordinary understanding4 ,why1 sir1 he said1 turning to us1 had you been born on the same day as ,adam1 and had you been counting ever since1 night and day1 without stopping to eat1 drink1 or sleep1 you would not have more than accomplished half your task4 ,this statement was received with a murmur of incredulous derision1 whilst two or three financial gentlemen1 immediately seizing pen and paper1 began figuring it out1 with the following result3 #bjj ,number counted per minute4 #fj ,minutes in an hour4 ----- #abjjj ,number counted per hour4 #bd ,hours in a day4 ------ #dhjjj #bdjjj ------ #bhhjjj ,number counted per day4 #cfe ,days in the year4 -------- #addjjjj #agbhjjj #hfdjjj --------- #ajeabjjjj ,number counted per year4 ,from this calculation we see that by counting steadily1 night and day1 at the rate of two hundred per minute1 we should count something over one hundred and five millions in a year4 ,now let us proceed with the calculation3 #aje1ab7j1jjj7a1jjj1jjj1jj7j1jjj7i1eab years4 #id1fjh ------- #ec1ibj #eb1eej ------- #ac1fjj #aj1eab ------- #cj1hhj #ba1jbd ------ #i1hef ,so that it would take nine thousand five hundred and twelve years1 not to mention several months1 to count a billion4 ,gold ,spectacles chuckled visibly1 and for the rest of the evening gave himself airs more worthy of a conquered ,southerner than a victorious mathematician4 ,he afterwards swooped down upon and completely doubled up a pompous gentleman bearing the cheerful name of ,peter ,coffin1 for making use of the very proper phrase1 ,as clear as a mathematical demonstration4 ,that may not be very clear1 after all1 ,mr4 ,coffin1 said ,gold ,spectacles4 ,how is that1 ,mr4 ,sprawl 7,gold ,specks' proper name being ,sprawl72 can anything be clearer than a mathematical demonstration8 ,i think1 sir1 answered ,mr4 ,sprawl1 ,i could mathematically demonstrate to you that one is equal to two4 ,what would you think of that1 sir8 ,i think you couldn't do it1 sir4 ,thereupon ,mr4 ,sprawl took a sheet of paper and wrote down the following equation--the celebrated algebraic paradox3 a x a x x#b a x - a#b x#b - a#b 7x - a7 a 7x - a7 7x a7 a x a a #b a #a #b ,mr4 ,coffin examined it carefully standing up1 and examined it carefully sitting down1 and then handed it back1 saying that ,mr4 ,sprawl had certainly proved one to be equal to two4 ,the paper was passed round1 and those learned enough scrutinized it carefully4 ,the demonstration all allowed to be positive1 yet no one could be made to admit the fact4 ,here a certain married lady avowed her great delight in knowing that one had at last been proved equal to two4 ,she had been for years1 she said1 trying to convince her husband of this fact1 but he always obstinately refused to listen to the voice of reason4 ,she now trusted he would not have the effrontery to fly in the face of an algebraic paradox4 ,seeing the talk had taken an arithmetical turn1 and was moreover getting fearfully abstruse1 our friend ,nix thought he would gently lead the tide of conversation into some shallower channel1 wherein the young ladies might dabble their pretty feet without danger of being swept away in the scientific torrent4 ,to this end he submitted the well known problem3 ,what is the difference between six dozen dozen and half a dozen dozen8 ,strange to say1 no one present had ever before heard of it1 but the best part of the joke consisted in ,mr4 ,sprawl being completely taken by it4 ,why1 they are both the same1 he answered promptly4 ,all the rest seemed to think so too1 and some could not get into their heads1 although poor ,nix spent half an hour trying to convince them1 that half a dozen dozen was the same thing as six dozen1 or #gb2 whilst six dozen dozen must of course be seventy-two dozen1 or #hfd4 ,while ,nix still spoke1 a handmaiden appeared1 bearing tinkling cups and vessels of aromatic tea 7not the weak green kind1 bear in mind71 and plates of sweet cookies and toast1 and then bread and butter1 and steaming waffles1 and divers and sundry other delicacies known to true housewives and good ,christian women1 who love their fellow-creatures and respect their organs of digestion4 ,as the tea is being served1 we walk up to a young gentleman and ask him if he knows why the blind man was restored to sight when he drank tea4 ,the young gentleman gave it up precipitately4 ,because he took his cup and saucer 7saw sir74 ,the gentleman in gold spectacles says something about our being a sorcerer1 but we heed him not1 fearing he may put us through another algebraic paradox4 ,then comes a general demand for the answer to the charade we published in our last chapter1 which commenced3 ,my whole is the name of a school-boy's dread4 ,the answer to this1 ladies1 is ,rattan2 and you will find it1 said we1 a most excellent charade for children4 ,now commenced a grand festival of puzzles and riddles4 ,specimens of all kinds were trotted out for inspection1 from the ponderous construction of our ancestors1 commencing in some such style as1 ,all round the house1 through the house1 and never touching the house1 etc41 to the neatly turned modern con4 ,our friend ,nix asked why ,moses and the ,jews were the best-bred people in the world8 ,another wished to know why meat should always be served rare8 ,both these individuals1 however1 refused to give the solution until the next meeting of the assembled company4 ,others were more obliging1 but as their riddles were mostly old friends1 somebody knew the answers and revealed them4 ,it is a mistake to suppose that a good thing ought not to be repeated more than once4 ,there are certain funny things that we remember for the last twenty years1 and yet we never recall them without enjoying a hearty laugh4 ,we have read ,holmes's ,autocrat of the ,breakfast-,table once every six months1 ever since it was published1 and enjoy it better each time4 ,we have been working away at the ,sparrowgrass ,papers for years1 and yet we raise just as good a crop of laughter from them as ever4 ,these books resemble some of our rich ,western lands3 they are inexhaustible4 ,so when one of the company asked1 ,when does a sculptor die of a fit8 we waited quietly for the answer1 ,when he makes faces and busts1 and laughed as heartily as though it were quite new1 although we had been intimate with the old con ever since it was made1 some fifteen years ago4 ,we even enjoyed the time-honored riddle3 ,what was ,joan of ,arc made of8 ,why1 she was ,maid of ,orleans1 of course4 ,but then this was put by a seraph with amber eyes1 and a very bewildering way of using them4 ,the success attending this effort seemed to stimulate the gentleman in gold spectacles1 who rushed into the arena with the inquiry3 ,what was ,eve made for8 ,most of us knew the answer well enough1 but we waited politely to let him deliver it himself4 ,our surprise may be readily conceived when he informed us1 with evident glee1 that she was made for ,harnden's ,express ,company4 ,some looked blank1 and others tittered1 whilst ,nix explained to the ladies the true solution4 ,it was for ,adam's ,express ,company that ,eve was made4 ,after this followed in quick succession a shower of riddles1 some of them so abominably bad1 that an old gentleman1 who did not seem to take kindly to that sort of amusement1 gave the finishing-stroke to the entertainment by the annexed3 ,question4 ,why is an apple-tart like a slipper8 ,answer4 ,because you can put your foot in it--if you like4 ,after that we all went home4 ,,chapter ,,vi4 ,a friend of ours1 ,dudley ,wegger1 who recently gave an extemporaneous entertainment1 amongst other things1 devised a new kind of play1 of such exceedingly simple construction that we have judged it expedient to put it on record4 ,it must be observed that it is his method especially which we applaud and recommend1 and further be it observed1 that we applaud and recommend it on account of no other excellence save that of simplicity4 ,mr4 ,wegger possessed the power of imitating one or two popular actors4 ,he had read our instructions on make-up--viz43 curled hair1 turn-up nose1 high shoulders1 etc41 and from these slender materials he made the body of his play4 ,as soon as we arrived1 he seized upon ourself1 dragged us into a back room1 put a hideous mask on our face 7which smelt painfully of glue and brown paper1 by the way71 and then commanded us to don sundry articles of female attire--to wit1 a hat and gown4 ,to our earnest appeals as to what we were to do1 he only replied3 ,oh1 nothing2 just come on the stage1 kick about1 and answer my questions4 ,you hold the stage and talk to the audience1 whilst ,i go off and change my dress4 ,this we pledged ourself to do1 and were nearly suffocated in the mask as a consequence4 ,when the curtain rose1 ,wegger marched on the stage attired in blue coat1 brass buttons1 striped pantaloons1 yellow vest1 and stylish hat stuck on one side4 ,in his hand he held a small walking-cane1 with which he frequently slapped his leg4 ,this was the walking-gentleman part4 ,egad6 here ,i am at last1 after the fastest run across country on record4 ,slipped the ,billies1 took flying hollow at a leap1 gave my admirable aunt the go-by1 extracted the governor's lynch-pin1 sent them all sprawling in the ditch1 just in time to be picked up by old ,hodge1 the carrier1 jogging along with his blind mare and rumbling old shandrydan4 ,gad1 ,mortimer1 you are a sad rogue6 ,i must turn over a new leaf1 ecod6 become steady1 forget kissing and claret1 go to church1 read the ,times1 and in fact1 become a respectable member of society4 ,ah1 ha1 ha6 ,what has brought me here8 ,gad1 ,i deserve success4 ,heard from my valet last night that certain lady just come into immense fortune2 lovely as she is wealthy1 ,venus and an heiress2 total stranger1 no means of procuring introduction2 hired coach and four1 gave post-boy guinea1 told drive like devil1 and here ,i am in a strange country1 a strange house1 and amongst strange people1 to kill or conquer1 veni1 vidi1 vici6 ,ha6 ha6 ha6 first in the field--fair start and a free run2 back myself at long odds to be in at the death4 ,but gad6 here she comes1 the country ,hebe1 the pastoral ,venus1 the naiad of turnip-tops and mangel-wurzel4 ,enter ,heiress 7ourself74 ,gad6 she is a devilish fine-looking woman4 ,i must approach her 7advances74 ,have ,i the honor to address the ,lady ,cicily de ,rhino8 ,lady ,cicily de ,rhino4 ,you get eout6 ,mortimer 7aside74 ,charming6 ,gad6 ,i am over head and ears in love already4 ,oh1 bright divinity1 why hide those radiant charms in sylvan shades1 when charms of fashion and bon-ton beckon you away6 ,with me your life shall be one live-long summer's day1 and you and ,i two butterflies sipping sweet nectar from the ruby rims of endless brimming goblets4 ,say you'll be mine6 ,a chaise awaits us1 and on the wings of love we'll fly away6 ,say1 charmer1 say the word1 and ,i am your slave for life4 ,lady ,cicily de ,rhino4 ,wal1 slavery's bin abolished even in ,new ,jersey--guess you forgot that4 ,however1 ,i don't keer if ,i do2 jist hold on till ,i git my things4 ,exit4 ,mortimer4 ,gad6 ,i took the citadel by storm--but some one approaches2 ,i must withdraw for a moment4 ,withdraws4 ,re-enter ,lady ,c41 with bundle and umbrella4 ,lady ,c4 ,wal1 if the young man arn't gone2 now that's mean4 ,enter ,reginald ,spooneigh 7,wegger1 in a new dress74 ,reginald4 ,kynde fortune has thrown me in the angel's path4 ,the belue skuye already smyles more beounteously on my poor fate4 ,fayer laydee1 turn not away those gentle eyes1 that e'en the turtle-dove might sigh1 and dying1 envy1 envying1 die of envy4 ,lady ,c4 ,oh1 git eout6 ,reginald4 ,say not so1 fair laydee4 ,a wanderer on this cruel earth1 a lover of the sweet songs of birds1 the murmuring of streams1 the gay garb of nature1 from mighty mountain-tops to rustling glens4 ,i bring an aching spirit seeking sympathy to thee4 ,lady ,c4 ,dew tell6 ,reginald4 ,a sympathetic heart within your bosom burns2 say1 let it beat in unison with mine8 ,lady ,c4 ,well1 ,i don't keer if ,i do2 only hurry up1 there's some one coming4 ,reginald4 ,coming8 sayest though2 then will ,i retire for a brief space4 ,retires4 ,lady ,c4 ,he seems a pretty nice kind or young man1 tho' he ain't got so much style into him as tother feller4 ,wal1 them folks didn't come this way arter all1 so he'd no call to be so scart1 etc41 etc4 ,enter ,general ,hab-grabemall 7,wegger again74 ,general4 ,thunder and ,mars6 ,i thought ,i should never have got here4 ,road as dusty as a canteen of ashes2 coach as slow as a commissary mule4 ,had half a mind to bivouac on the roadside--make a fire of the axletrees1 and roast the postilion for dinner4 ,but shells and rockets6 ,i must beat up the quarters of this fair one1 or some jackanapes civilian will be stealing a march upon me 7sees ,lady ,c474 ,gad6 there she is6 ,i must make a charge on her left wing4 ,hey6 my little beauty1 here's a battered old soldier1 wounded everywhere except in his heart1 crying surrender at your first fire4 ,he yields himself prisoner-of-war1 and gives up his untarnished sword to you and you alone4 ,lady ,c4 ,wal1 ,i ain't no use for swords1 and there are summeny solgers straggling round now with old weppins-- ,general4 ,i have fought for my king and country through many a burning summer noon1 and many an ,arctic winter night1 and now ,i would plant my laurels in the sunshine of your eyes1 that they may bring forth bright blossoms4 ,lady ,c4 ,wal1 if them's the case1 they makes a difference4 ,general 7aside74 ,now for a bold charge6 7aloud74 ,share1 oh fairest of your sex1 my niche in the ,temple of ,fame1 my hand and heart as true as steel4 ,say1 will you accept a rough old soldier's hand and a ,major-,general's cocked hat4 ,lady ,c4 ,wal1 ,i don't mind if ,i dew1 only don't you fool me as them other fellers did4 ,general4 ,what1 blood and ouns6 have any fellers dared to fool the fairest of her sex4 ,i will demand satisfaction2 where are they8 ,exit4 ,lady ,c4 ,i want to know6 ,ef the ,genrl ain't gone off to whip them two fellers6 ,o my6 won't there be a muss1 jest4 ,but ,lor6 he'd no call to be so mad about it4 ,i didn't keer4 7,sings7--,when the moon is on the mountain1 ,my heart it is with you1 ,and stirring thoughts come stirring up ,the extra oyster stew4 ,enter ,adolphus ,tinkletop 7,wegger again74 ,adolphus4 ,well ,i declare1 if here ain't a feminine young woman of the female persuasion a-singing a song4 ,go on1 most charming of your sex1 and ,i'll jine in the chorus4 ,but hold6 pause--be calm1 ,tinkletop3 this must be she1 the lovely heiress ,i have come in search of4 ,the young and lovely female heiress1 who has just dropt into a very large fortune in silver and gold1 sing tooral lol1 looral1 lol looral le day4 ,tinkletop1 my boy1 you are a lucky fellow4 ,i think ,i may venture to remark1 without any immediate dread of contradiction1 that ,i am an exceedingly fortunate individual4 ,i must put on my most insinuating manner without further procrastination1 which is the thief of time4 ,ah6 ahem6 how shall ,i begin8 ,ahem6 how de do1 my dear8 ,how's the folks8 ,lady ,c4 ,purty well2 how's yourself8 ,adolphus4 ,oh6 ,i'm exceedingly well2 remarkably well2 excessively well4 ,i've quite got over that pain in my chest4 ,lady ,c4 ,ye don't say6 ,adolphus4 ,fact6 ,hembold's ,cosmos cured me immediately1 if not sooner4 ,oh1 yes6 ,i'm all right1 thank ye4 ,but excuse me1 young woman4 ,i've come down here on a little matter of business of the highest importance4 ,your name is ,lady ,cicily ,rhino8 ,lady ,c4 ,wal1 'taint nothin' else4 ,adolphus4 ,that is precisely what ,i want to arrive at4 ,i am in the dry-goods business1 than which there is no higher social position in the world4 ,i am not rich1 but ,i expect to be4 ,of my personal appearance you can form a more just and adequate opinion than any language of mine could convey4 ,in other words1 ,i am more easily conceived than described4 ,now1 the question is1 whether you will accept my hand and heart4 ,lady ,c4 ,wal1 ,i don't keer if ,i do4 ,adolphus4 ,most charming little pippetsy poppetsy2 let me embrace those virgin lips4 ,lady ,c4 ,oh1 lor6 ,now wait a minute4 7,turns her head away bashfully1 and puts up her umbrella4 ,both parties retire behind the umbrella1 when a loud smack is heard--such a smack as has been compared to the noise produced by a horse dragging his foot out of a mud-hole4 ,then both strike an attitude with the umbrella between them1 and the curtain descends in a blaze of red light47 ,,the ,,end4 ,now if this is not a simple way of building a drama1 we are no judge4 ,our adjoining illustration represents the interview between ,general ,hab-grabemall and the lady4 ,the ,general acquires a gigantic appearance by tying a folded shawl or small pillow on each shoulder before he puts on his cloak2 his face is made up chiefly of curled hair and diachylon4 ,reginald ,spooneigh has long flaxen hair1 made out of some rope unravelled for the purpose1 and sewed on to a tightly-fitting cap1 moustache and beard to match1 and turn-down collar4 ,the rest of his attire may be in any style most convenient4 ,mr4 ,tinkletop is remarkable for a red nose1 turned up1 and one tooth missing 7both according to our prescription given in a previous chapter74 ,his vest and cravat are of bright colors1 and his coat also1 if possible4 ,illustration3 ,,private ,,theatricals4--,see page #hj4 ,,chapter ,,vii4 ,mankind in general1 and we modern ,americans in particular1 are perpetually striving to come a gouge game over nature4 ,we feel that this expression is very slangy and low-lived1 but as none other seems so precisely to convey our idea1 we must for once borrow a phrase from the ring and the race-course4 ,so we repeat that we are1 most of us1 perpetually striving to gouge nature2 but nature is too smart for us1 and will not allow herself to be fooled by any clumsy device it is in our power to invent4 ,nature starts us in the business of life with a certain amount of capital in mental1 physical1 and nervous power2 and just so much capacity for enjoyment2 and we1 instead of investing this in the best manner to produce the largest legitimate amount of interest1 are perpetually engaged in trying some dodge whereby we may spend the capital and still draw the interest4 ,a young man starts in business with the resolution that he will make a fortune in such and such a number of years1 and then he will retire while he is still young1 and lead the most glorious life mortal ever knew4 ,and so he pitches in1 buys1 sells1 wheedles1 bullies1 tricks1 cheats1 works night and day1 without any let-up at all4 ,there will be plenty of time1 he thinks1 for recreation when he has made his fortune4 ,then he will go to ,europe1 build himself a house on the ,hudson1 buy the fastest pair of horses1 cultivate society1 purchase pictures1 and be supremely happy4 ,the years trot on1 but the hopeful man finds it is slower work making a pile than he thought2 or perhaps he raises his figure1 so he sets to work with renewed vigor4 ,his nerves are allowed no rest to recover their tone2 his stomach is allowed no leisure to perform its work2 his body gets no healthful exercise2 and his soul no ray of light from the beautiful and lovable4 ,there will be time for all these things by and by1 when he has made that two hundred thousand dollars4 ,at last the sum is made1 though our hopeful man is a few years older than he intended he should be on retiring4 ,still the money is made1 and he is going to enjoy it4 ,he builds himself a fine house in the country1 with lots of style into it1 and plants around it a number of small trees1 which will be of decent size about twenty years after he is buried4 ,but that is of no consequence--there is beautiful scenery all around4 ,but what is this the rich man discovers8 ,why1 that the trees and hills and streams are not the same that they were when he was young4 ,he finds1 too1 that pictures don't amount to much4 ,he is rather nervous about driving fast horses2 and as to society1 he has got quite out of the way of that whilst making his fortune4 ,he finds that collecting round one congenial and agreeable people is a work of time and care1 besides which1 there is no society in the country any way4 ,then his wife hates the country4 ,so our rich man sells his house in the country1 returns to the city1 and enters into some new business operations just to pass the time away2 having made the melancholy discovery that whilst engaged in acquiring means1 he has lost the capacity for enjoyment4 ,the fact is1 nature will not stand much nonsense4 ,if you think you are going to work her without mercy or consideration the best part of your life1 and then expect that she will gaily bear you on her back1 sporting through valleys of delight1 you are very much mistaken4 ,another man thinks he will get the maximum enjoyment out of life by aid of wine1 and so he mortgages his whole capacity of enjoyment for a few years' excessive excitement1 and is amazingly surprised when he finds himself a bankrupt4 ,nature will not cash his draft at any price4 ,he is not aware that every thrill of pleasure derived from excessive stimulating has to be paid for with usury4 ,others again fancy they will get ahead of nature by forcing the minds of their children as they would cucumbers2 but after an incalculable amount of trouble1 expense1 and cruelty1 the child comes of age a bankrupt1 mentally and physically4 ,the soil has run out2 it can produce no more--and what wonder6 ,it was never allowed to lie fallow2 it was never renewed2 and now it is fit for little or nothing4 ,these are some of the ways in which we attempt to gouge nature4 ,we overtax her in every way1 until we drive the willing horse to death1 and then our journey ends2 all the load of fine goods we have been to market for1 must be dumped into the mud for the next traveller coming along with a fresh horse4 ,now1 one great aim of this book on ,fireside ,amusements1 is to persuade people to let up on nature4 ,we should all be so much healthier1 so much kinder1 so much better ,christians1 if we would only amuse ourselves and each other a good deal more4 ,we should get such infinitely better work out of ourselves1 and more of it1 so that we should be richer into the bargain4 ,no man can expect to win the race with a jaded horse4 ,suppose you owned ,flora ,temple1 and in your eagerness to make money1 should oblige her to run two or three races every day2 why1 the chances are you would lose every time1 and soon be a beggar4 ,but suppose you only match her at proper intervals1 when she is fresh and in good condition2 you don't run so many races1 but you win every time4 ,why should you treat yourself so much worse than a horse8 ,is it because you are ----8 ,no1 you have simply adopted a bad national custom4 ,,aunty ,,delluvian ,,gives ,a ,,party4 ,we have a female relative whom we have playfully christened ,aunty ,delluvian--an old-fashioned person1 who is particularly opposed to all new-fangled notions1 who loves the good old times and good old ways2 who thinks there are no young men nowadays to compare with those of her day4 ,she tells how straight they used to carry themselves1 and she draws herself bolt upright and throws back her shoulders to give effect to her words1 and they didn't wear those nasty things--pshaw6--over their lips4 ,she has never become reconciled to moustaches4 ,she thinks1 too1 the girls are not so pretty nowadays as they used to be2 then1 their cheeks were so bright and red1 just like roses1 and their eyes were so bright they fairly snapped and twinkled2 but now1 my dear1 it's all dough and boiled gooseberries--dough and boiled gooseberries6 ,she tells us1 too1 of many persons1 long since gone1 among whom stands1 out in bold relief and heroic proportions one ',squire ,dexter4 ,then there is another person1 ,sally ,mason1 of whom we hear repeatedly1 who must have been a very deceitful character1 from what ,aunty ,delluvian tells us4 ,but why does she take such pains to tell us so much about ,sally ,mason1 and to convince us that she was not pretty one mite1 only she had those forward1 pushing ways with her1 my dear1 which men find out sooner or later1 my dear1 and ',squire ,dexter found her out at last1 to his sorrow4 ,why does she tell us this1 and ask our opinion as to whether getting into a seat in a gig1 which had been expressly reserved for another person1 was not conduct unworthy of a girl of proper modesty and self-respect8 ,when we answer1 as we invariably do1 with feigned surprise that such conduct would be unpardonable1 she straightens herself up1 saying3 ,well1 my dear1 ,sally ,mason did just that thing6 ,why does ,aunty ,delluvian consult us on this point1 and many other trivial points concerning the proper conduct of a modest1 right-minded maiden8 ,it is hard to say4 ,but1 though we laugh and quizz ,aunty ,delluvian about many things1 we feel that this is1 somehow or another1 sacred ground1 and tread gently over the graves of her dead memories4 ,aunty ,delluvian is a great favorite in our circle4 ,she has many stories to tell1 popular legends in her girlhood1 of ,general ,george ,washington and the ,hessians and ,red-,coats2 and though she does not understand the humor of the present day1 she knows some very funny verses by ,george ,coleman the ,younger1 and some riddles of the composite order of architecture4 ,well1 ,aunty ,delluvian has taken quite an interest in our theory on ,fireside ,amusements4 ,she thinks its tendency good1 for1 as she justly observes1 young people are far too stuck up nowadays2 too stuck up1 my dear4 ,so1 in the goodness of her heart1 the other evening she gave a little party1 built on our principle1 which we herewith beg to report4 ,at the back of her old-fashioned country-house spreads a green lawn1 surrounded by old apple and cherry-trees1 with trunks as big round as the body of a horse4 ,on this lawn she gave her party4 ,when we arrived we found tables spread out with a goodly array of eatables and drinkables1 the aroma of the tea mingled with the songs of the birds1 whilst the perfume of the ripe strawberries1 the grape-jelly1 the steaming biscuits1 and the hundred other country delicacies1 blended harmoniously with the chirp of the crickets and the drone of the bees4 ,it was a pretty1 a very pretty sight2 the long rows of snow-white table-cloth1 the old china1 the shining silver and steel1 the glittering glass1 the mountains of red strawberries surrounded by grape-leaves1 and the innumerable nosegays of bright flowers4 ,not far off1 in the little barn-yard1 we heard the peet-peet1 of the young chickens1 whilst the occasional double-bass of the family cow gave delightful assurance of the freshness of the milk and the purity of the cream4 ,aunty ,delluvian1 clad in brown silk with full sleeves and scanty skirt1 was all bustle and smiles4 ,her old handmaiden1 and hired boy from the farm-yard1 and two women who were strangers in the land of ,delluvian1 aided with enthusiasm4 ,between forty and fifty persons1 little 7some very little7 and big 7some very big71 sat down to tea1 and did generously by the repast4 ,the meal concluded1 dignity received informal notice to quit1 and all pitched in to clear away the things4 ,a circle of humanity formed itself1 and behold the noble sport of ,oats1 peas1 beans1 and barley grows4 ,leading moral philosophers1 eminent divines1 weather-beaten old vikings1 gallant soldiers1 and care-worn editors1 sowed their seed1 took their ease1 stamped their feet1 clapped their hands1 viewed their lands1 and1 after waiting for a partner1 became united in the bonds of juvenile matrimony with little curly-headed toddlers1 and seemed to enjoy the fun just as much as though they had never looked into a ,greek lexicon1 heard the boom of cannon1 or written a leader4 ,we would like to dwell long upon this merry-making under the sky1 for there occurred enough pretty incidents and enough funny things out there to bear telling for a week2 but our mission is to instruct our friends how to amuse others2 so we must pass from the romps in the open air to the amusements which took place inside1 after darkness had driven the merry-makers from the lawn4 ,first in order came a great duck1 chiefly made out of a boy and a sheet4 ,first of all we were requested to introduce the bird1 and expatiate to the company on its qualities4 ,for who1 they said1 could speak better on the virtues of a great canard than an editor8 ,some one1 however1 maliciously mentioned that the family doctor1 ,mr4 ,pillules1 was the best person to show up a quack4 ,some one else argued that some lady would be better qualified to speak on ,ducks2 but no lady could be found with courage enough to attempt the task1 so it was finally agreed that ,dr4 ,pillules and ourself should deliver a double-barrelled speech4 ,this novel idea was1 of course1 rapturously received1 so the doctor and editor were compelled1 nolens volens1 to stand up and deliver1 which we did something after the following manner3 ,illustration ,doctor4 ,this bird which you now see before you1 ladies and gentlemen1 is one of those detestable creatures known as the ,canard4 ,this specimen was recently captured down ,south by some of the brave soldiers in ,general ,grant's army on the occasion of that gentleman's recent visit to ,richmond4 ,this bird was formally the property of several newspaper editors1 and was used by them for the purpose of raising fowl for the ,english market1 where-- ,editor4 ,they found a ready sale1 being served up in the columns of the ,times with peace-pudding1 and subsequently rehashed with coal lies and bully sauce1 to satisfy the cravings of the ,british public4 ,this curious bird has1 however-- ,doctor4 ,fallen into disrepute of late1 and the people of ,england will have to take a big dose of truth 7a very unpleasant thing to an ,englishman7 to counteract the disease which their gross indulgence in the flesh of this foul bird has engendered2 they will likewise-- ,editor4 ,be obliged to confine their diet to the wholesome but unsavory humble pie4 ,a kind of pie-- ,doctor4 ,we have often prescribed for them before4 ,however1 the cloud-capped summits of the mountains of ,jehoshaphat-- ,editor 7a little nonplussed74 ,may have summit to do with the question1 and then again they may not4 ,we are inclined to think that ,jehoshaphat was not half so fat as ,john ,bull1 and would have scorned to eat a canard anyhow1 particularly one raised by niggers1 and hatched by steam2 a bird which ,shakspeare justly remarked-- ,doctor 7a little puzzled this time74 ,didn't know beans1 or at all events did not care about that wholesome and nutritious vegetable1 preferring to pick up the sentiments falling from the lips of ,bull ,run ,russell1 or the revolting food provided for travellers at refreshment saloons on the ,camden and ,amboy ,railway1 which1 as every one knows-- ,editor4 ,are simply provided by that company to kill off transient citizens of loyal ,states1 which they do as effectually as the greatest quack1 even were he as large as the specimen now before us4 ,i do not of course refer to our friend the---- ,how long this double-barrelled speech might have continued1 this chronicle cannot say1 had not the duck at this moment declared1 in very plain ,english1 that ,oh thunder6 he couldn't stand it any longer1 he was getting tired1 which terminated that part of the entertainment4 ,illustration ,illustration ,the latent principle1 the motive power1 the core1 the occult substratum of the duck is1 of course1 as in the case of the vulgaris pueris--a small boy4 ,the mode of transforming him into a duck needs scarcely any explanation2 the illustrations save all that trouble4 ,a board tied on the youth's back1 a sufficiency of wadding in the way of rags1 and a sheet properly arranged over all2 then a ball of rags1 with a couple of sticks for the bill1 making the head1 and a newspaper cut into strips representing the tail1 and web-feet cut out of brown paper--and there is your duck6 ,the next thing in order for the evening's entertainment proved to be a little dwarf1 who was exhibited on a table4 ,he made a speech1 danced a jig1 took snuff1 and altogether made himself very amusing and entertaining4 ,the mode of manufacturing this lusus natur is1 as usual1 with the substratum of small boy4 ,the small boy paints a pair of moustaches on his upper lip and puts a pair of boots on his hands1 resting his booted hands on a table1 whilst a taller person stands behind him and reaches his arms over the first one's shoulders1 as represented in the engraving2 then a loose cloak or great-coat or shawl is arranged about the dwarf so as to allow the arms of ,no4 #b to project and appear as if they belonged to ,no4 #a4 ,this performance should take place in a window or doorway1 where a curtain can be so arranged as to hide the head and body of ,no4 #b4 ,then you have the dwarf all complete1 as represented in the annexed sketch4 ,it is almost impossible to describe this performance with precision1 as much of the arrangement must be left to the intelligence of the exhibitor4 ,the dwarf1 however1 we may state1 is very easily made when you once get the idea4 ,illustration ,aunty ,delluvian was very much amused with the dwarf2 it reminded her of a trick that was played on her mother's father--who was once ,governor of ,massachusetts--and described by her uncle ,george1 who was such a droll fellow1 he always had some of his puns to get off4 ,she did not remember the story exactly1 but it was something about a dwarf being served up in a pie at the ,governor's table1 in such a way that the dwarf popped out when the ,governor was about to carve the pie4 ,oh6 it was such a funny story2 if you could only have heard her uncle ,george tell it1 and ,aunty ,delluvian went into silent convulsions of laughter at the bare memory of the exquisite humor of uncle ,george's narration4 ,but that was before your time1 my dear2 and between you and me1 the young men are very dull nowadays1 with their cigars1 and their moustaches1 and their fiddle-faddle--but mum1 mum1 my dear1 and ,aunty ,delluvian laid her fingers on her lips1 as though she had been communicating a most important secret4 ,as to the dwarf of this evening1 having no control over his hands1 for the reason that they belonged to the person behind him1 he was subject to the most grievous annoyance from those members2 they would persist in pulling his own nose to a fearful extent1 and performing that manual evolution known as taking a sight in the middle of his prettiest speech to the ladies2 he1 however1 enjoyed a limited revenge on one of these occasions by catching the extended thumb between his teeth and doing something to it1 the nature of which could only be inferred from the howl of agony proceeding from the person immediately behind him1 and a general dislocation and disintegration of his various members1 which occurred amidst the shouts of the spectators4 ,a slight pause ensuing on the completion of the dwarf performance1 afforded an opportunity to the young man in gold spectacles to come upon the stage4 ,he had something very ingenious to show us4 ,it was a trick performed with four small seeds1 and was invented by a certain poor tutor at one of the ,english universities4 ,although exceedingly simple1 no one had been able to discover the secret1 when finally some ,english nobleman1 whose name he mentioned1 gave the poor tutor five hundred pounds to reveal the mystery4 ,having concluded this little introduction1 the gentleman in gold spectacles turned to ,aunty ,delluvian1 and asked her if she would be kind enough to let him have four grains of rice4 ,lor' bless the man6 to be sure ,i will1 as much as ever you like6 exclaimed ,aunty1 in the fulness of her generous heart1 as she turned round and called to the servant at the other end of the room3 ,here1 ,katy1 fetch up what was left of that cold rice-pudding we had yesterday4 ,the gentleman in gold spectacles hastily explained that he did not wish the rice to be boiled1 and four grains would be ample4 ,however1 ,aunty ,delluvian insisted upon all the rice in the establishment being produced4 ,the gentleman in gold spectacles selected four grains1 and throwing them on the table1 challenged us to arrange them in such a manner that each grain should be precisely the same distance from every other grain1 and yet the grains not touch each other4 ,we all took our turn till we were tired1 and then gave it up1 save a couple of determined fellows1 who requested they might have till their next meeting to find it out1 which respite was accordingly granted4 ,we were now tumultuously beset with demands for the solution of two riddles in our last chapter4 ,first came the question3 ,why were ,moses and the ,jews the best bred people in the world8 ,answer4 ,because they got their manna 7manner7 from heaven4 ,the second was3 ,why meat should always be cooked rare8 ,answer4 ,because what is done cannot be helped4 ,after this came cakes and nuts and cider4 ,aunty ,delluvian thought nuts and cider could never come amiss1 and we agree with her when the cider is such as she produced1 clear1 fruity1 sparkling1 which1 as it courses down your gullet1 seems like health incarnate1 and as far superior to that bedevilled liquid which city boobies call champagne1 and pay three dollars a bottle for1 as faith is to smartness4 ,so ended our evening at ,aunty ,delluvian's4 ,,chapter ,,viii4 ,the ,highlanders are a hardy race1 inhabiting the north of ,scotland4 ,they are brave1 hospitable1 and exceedingly fond of dancing4 ,when you reflect that a very moderate nigger used to fetch one thousand dollars1 it will be exhilarating to know that you can have a ,highlander1 with all his natural characteristics1 for nothing4 ,yet such is our proposition to you on the present occasion4 ,will you have him for nothing8 ,we assume1 of course1 that you have at least one hand4 ,a foot will not answer4 ,you have a hand8 ,well6 ,get an old glove and cut off the thumb and fingers to about the extent represented in the annexed diagram4 ,place the glove on your hand1 and then hold your hand in the position represented below4 ,you will now have a general idea of what is to constitute the substratum of the ,highlander4 ,illustration ,illustration ,now make a pair of little socks to fit your first and second fingers4 ,here is a picture of the style in which they should be gotten up4 ,these socks can be made of white linen or calico1 and painted with water-colors of the desired pattern--the shoes black and the socks plaid4 ,if the colors are mixed with very little water they will not run on the cloth4 ,we suggest water-colors because the plaid can be very neatly represented by cross lines of red and green4 ,if1 however1 you have no water-colors1 you can stitch the stockings across with red and green thread4 ,it will be well to bear in mind that as your second finger is longer than the first1 the stocking for the first must be stuffed out with cotton or wool to make it equal in length to the second4 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,highlander ,,trick4--,see page #aja4 ,illustration ,now make a careful copy of our full-page picture opposite2 stitch it on to the back of the glove2 put the socks on your fingers1 and your ,highlander is ready to dance1 as represented in the above cut4 ,you move about the fingers1 simulating a man dancing the ,highland-fling or double-shuffle1 and the result will be very curious and eminently satisfactory4 ,illustration ,another variation of the same performance can be made1 which will save the trouble of drawing a ,highlander4 ,it is done thus3 ,you procure a kid glove1 and cut it down as before4 ,you will see by the subjoined cut how the hand looks with the glove on before it has been fixed up4 ,a white kid glove is best1 because on the white kid you can paint almost the entire dress with water-colors--blue vest1 red sash1 and black pantaloons4 ,a little piece of some gay rag must1 however1 be stitched on each side to represent the jacket2 the chief object of the jacket being to hide the knuckles of the third and fourth fingers4 ,illustration ,now1 having fixed your glove and put it on1 paint on your hand a face in the style of the following sketch1 and your dancing ,spaniard1 or ,terpsichorean ,matadore1 is ready for action4 ,the glove forms a complete suit 7barring the boots71 which you can slip off and on with the greatest ease at pleasure4 ,if you have not a white kid glove wherewith to make the dress of the above-mentioned gentleman1 you will have to sew a small piece of calico or paper in the proper place1 for the shirt4 ,you will also be obliged to make him a vest out of some little scrap of red or blue silk2 in short1 you must use your needle instead of your paint-brush4 ,but this is plain enough and needs no further explanation4 ,illustration ,there is one more item1 however1 which we must mention4 ,it will be found rather difficult to paint moustaches on the hand so as to give them the right merry expression4 ,the teeth1 which lend so much life to the face1 are troublesomely small to represent4 ,we therefore think it best to draw a pair of moustaches exactly similar to the ones we subjoin1 which can be made to stick in their place by the aid of a little diaclon or shoemaker's wax4 ,,chapter ,,ix4 ,the scientific gentleman at our last meeting bewildered us all with four grains of rice4 ,it will be remembered that he challenged us to arrange those four seeds in such a manner that each should be an equal distance from each1 and yet not touch each other4 ,did we belong to the betting class1 we would be willing to wager a moderately-sized cobble-stone that not one of our readers has yet solved the problem4 ,it is explained thus3 ,you lay three of the seeds on the table in the form of an equilateral triangle2 then taking the fourth seed between the finger and thumb1 you hold it above the other three1 in the position represented in diagram on page #ajf4 ,in this way1 and this alone1 can the objects be so arranged as to be each equidistant from each4 ,it is a very simple matter when once explained1 but we never yet knew any one to find it out4 ,illustration ,our friend ,nix is in very fervid condition concerning a new picturesque trick he has learned4 ,it is an old affair1 but very funny1 and consists in making an old woman's face with your fist1 and is done as follows3 ,you double your fist1 as represented in the above diagram1 and draw on it a face as also represented4 ,illustration ,then you make a species of hood something like a mitten1 with a hole in the side1 around which hole you sew a frill1 to make it look like a cap1 which we also illustrate with a diagram4 ,the mitten is placed on the hand1 and a shawl pinned carefully round it1 as shown in our diagram on page #ajh1 and you have the old woman complete4 ,illustration ,now1 in order to make the old woman appear to speak1 you must move the knuckle of the thumb up and down1 at the same time simulate a cracked1 squeaky old voice4 ,by moving your thumb in time to your voice1 the illusion becomes perfect4 ,you can1 of course1 make the old woman say whatever you please2 but the more emphatic the style of her conversation the better1 as you can make the jaw more energetic1 and the pauses more marked4 ,the conversation might commence something in this style 7you in your natural tone of voice73 ,well1 aunty1 how are you to-day8 ,illustration ,aunty ,grummidge3 ,how am ,i8 ,ah6 ,hum6 ,i'm well enough if it warn't for them plaguey boys6 ,drat the boys6 ,heavin' stones at my geese6 ,i'll geese them1 if ,i ketch 'em6 ,drat 'em6 and tramplin' all over my string-beans6 ,drat 'em6 ,i'll string-bean 'em1 if ,i ketch hold of 'em6 ,and then the pesky young warmints callin' me old ,dot-and-go-one6 ,i'll old ,dot-and-go-one them1 if ,i ketch hold of 'em4 ,it will require a little practice to keep time between the thumb and the voice2 but by making the phrases short and emphatic1 it will be soon learned4 ,when the old woman has done talking1 you can stick a pipe in her mouth1 and make her look quite comfortable4 ,,chapter ,x4 ,in those days there were giants4 ,those days were the days when our mother was a young lady1 and1 as we devoutly believe1 the most beautiful woman of her period2 when our father's side-whiskers were glossy black2 when he wore his hat just a leetle bit on one side1 and when they twain used now and then to go forth magnificently arrayed after the lamps were lit1 to balls and parties1 whilst we little ones sat up in our white beds to receive the parting kiss and injunction flavored with blessings and eau de cologne4 ,in those days1 we repeat1 there were giants4 ,giants in our story-books1 giants in our young imaginations1 mere suckers from the parent stem of the story-books1 but terrible in their proportions4 ,there were giants1 too1 in our narrow path1 springing out of our waywardness and evil passions1 and the evil passions of others2 there were giants1 too1 on the road to knowledge2 oh1 such monstrous giants all of them1 far bigger and fiercer than any we ever met in after life4 ,but there was another giant of a far different sort1 who used to make his appearance at our little parties about ,christmas-time1 and in sustaining whose character we have over and over again sweltered and staggered and suffered martyrdom the most terrible4 ,still he was a pleasant giant 7particularly to the upper-story boy71 and welcome to the whole company4 ,he had a very youthful look1 in spite of his ferocious moustache2 his hat had a tendency to drop over his eyes and his gait was erratic2 though his proportions inspired awe in the hearts of the tiny portion of the audience4 ,we have but rarely met this gentleman in later days1 partially1 we fancy1 from a difficulty in procuring legs2 we have observed a growing disinclination in persons to perform these members2 indeed1 we have ourself shrunk several times from the task4 ,it is1 indeed1 an ordeal rather severe1 after partaking heartily of ,christmas dinner1 and1 perhaps1 generously of wine1 to walk about a hot room with a warm boy on your shoulders1 and your entire person--head1 face1 and all--enveloped in a heavy cloak or overcoat1 and not a breath of fresh air to be taken under penalty of spoiling the giant4 ,a small and cool boy is placed on the shoulders of a man or boy who is stout in the legs2 a long military cloak or overcoat is thrown over the two1 and the monster is made4 ,you can embelish him with moustaches1 a hat1 and a long walking-cane1 and then you will have the creature complete1 as represented in the picture opposite4 ,illustration3 ,,how ,,to ,,make ,a ,,giant4--,see page #aab4 ,,chapter ,,xi4 ,illustration ,folly is better than physic4 ,if no one ever made this aphorism before1 we at once lay claim to and include it in our copyright2 entered according to act of ,congress in the clerk's office1 and all the rest of it4 ,a good old-fashioned time we had of it last ,christmas evening at the house of our friend ,nix4 ,what a happy1 merry1 jolly crowd of noodles1 ninnies1 judies1 tomfools1 and undignified people we were to be sure6 ,nix gave himself unheard-of moustaches and eyebrows with ,india-ink1 and then washed himself into the likeness of a boss chimney-sweep1 in which condition he remained the whole evening1 and came to business the next day with a faint tinge of the dusty pigment under his left ear1 although he averred that he had parboiled himself over night with scalding soap and water in honest efforts to remove the oriental stain4 ,at this distance of time it would be hard to recall who were the guests at this tomfool's festival1 even had we ever known them all2 but a fluttering of little faces and pink sashes1 and very bunchy frocks suggestive of new crinoline--indeed1 now we think of it1 one wee thing told us emphatically she had on a noo hoop-stirt1 and raised her short red frock to show us the inestimable treasure2 and that again reminds us of another toddler1 of the masculine persuasion1 who thrice called our attention to his new boots1 and once requested us to feel the soles where his mother had scratched them with her scissors to prevent his slipping on the carpets4 ,but1 as we were saying1 a certain confused picture of fluttering pink sashes1 bunchy crinoline1 blue eyes1 and flushed cheeks1 is one of the chefs-d'oeuvre in the private gallery of our memory1 and was nearly all we carried away from that foolish ,christmas carnival4 ,we remember1 though1 ,aunty ,delluvian1 in all the pomp1 pride1 and circumstance of a dress which might have been described by some fashionable modiste of fifty years ago1 but before which the steel nibs of a modern pen grow parched and gape inkless in their course over the cream laid4 ,we can state that it was of silk1 and very thick1 and rustled1 and had an odor1 not of myrrh--for that we have purchased at the drug stores as being good for the gums--though perhaps of frankincense1 but certainly of some ,eastern perfume2 and there our descriptive capacity ends4 ,concerning certain gems and trinkets1 also worn by that worthy lady1 we are equally humble and bewildered2 but if our memory serves us rightly1 they were chiefly of pale and yellow stones surrounded by pearls1 and of oval and slender forms1 save one sombre brooch 7she wore in the neck of her dress under a bow of ribbon71 which has hair in it1 and was shown us as a rare piece of workmanship and a great relic2 indeed1 ,aunty ,delluvian informed us1 very confidentially1 that a person by the name of ,sally ,mason would have given her ears to possess it once--from which we judged it to be of great value4 ,the scientific gentleman was there2 and others too numerous to mention1 as the advertisements say4 ,one of the company1 whom we had never met before1 left a particular impression on our mind1 partly because he came from a far-off land1 with a large budget of strange knowledge and exotic ideas1 and partly because he showed us a quite curious and simple little toy4 ,among other things he expatiated on the dexterity of the ,australasian savages in the use of the boomerang1 which they would throw in such a way as to make it skim entirely around a house and return to their feet4 ,he told us that one of these savages would seize his boomerang and send it whirling into a flock of parrots1 bringing down half a dozen of the birds1 and then return to his feet4 ,he added that parrot-pie was excellent eating2 a statement which sent a thrill of indignation through the juvenile portion of the company4 ,the idea of cooking birds that say ,pretty ,poll6 ,while the young were indignant1 many of the elders felt incredulous1 touching the boomerang2 one person1 indeed1 delicately hinting that throwing the boomerang must be the ,australasian equivalent of our expression pulling the long bow2 but ,aunty ,delluvian1 who had just heard the latter part of the discourse1 came gallantly to the rescue 7she had taken rather a notion to the young ,australian74 ,she assured the company that there could be no doubt of the existence of the boomerang1 for an uncle of hers had on a certain occasion brought one from ,china1 and that it grew so tame that it would come and feed out of your hand4 ,this statement1 as may be supposed1 produced a profound sensation1 which good breeding alone prevented from being an explosion4 ,several persons present tried to hush the matter up by suggesting that the good lady probably confounded the instrument in question with a baboon or orang-outang4 ,but ,aunty ,delluvian would listen to nothing of the kind2 no compromises for her4 ,bless the child1 she had seen it with her own eyes1 and it went all round the house and came back to her feet1 and caught the pigeon1 and killed the parrot1 just as the gentleman described4 ,however1 the young antipodean asserted his own veracity very effectively by offering to manufacture a model of the weapon then and there4 ,if you will only provide me1 he said1 with a good stiff card--an old playing-card will do as well as anything--,i will soon satisfy you that what ,i described can be done4 ,the card was produced1 and in a couple of minutes he had with a pair of scissors clipped out a piece of the size and shape of the subjoined diagram4 ,he then borrowed a book and a lead pencil1 and placed the miniature boomerang on the former1 with one end projecting over the edge of the book about an inch4 ,he then took the book in his left hand1 and holding it at a slight angle as represented in the diagram1 page #aai1 struck the projecting end a smart blow with the pencil4 ,this sent it whirling through the air towards the opposite corner of the ceiling1 which it nearly though not quite reached--then it came fluttering back to the very feet of the performer4 ,this operation was repeated several times with almost universal applause1 the only dissentient voice being that of a little shaver of five1 who wanted to see the parrots come down4 ,illustration ,about this time it became evident that some mysterious preparations were being made outside4 ,a good deal of whispering occurred1 and ,nix1 with one or two others1 disappeared from the apartment4 ,we1 in the meantime1 amused ourselves with sundry time-honored experiments4 ,first came an optical illusion-trick1 the fun of which consisted in the futile efforts of several persons to knock a cork off a fork with the fore-finger2 and is performed thus3 ,a steel fork1 or some other sharp instrument1 is stuck in the door1 and a cork placed on the end of it4 ,illustration ,illustration ,the person wishing to test his skill places himself in front of it2 fixing his eyes on the cork1 he then walks slowly backwards ten or twelve feet1 his eyes still fixed on the cork2 having done which1 he extends his right hand1 closes an eye1 and advances towards the cork1 till he thinks he has reached near enough to knock the cork from its position with one blow of the finger4 ,nine times out of ten the performers fail1 as they did on the occasion in question4 ,this experiment seemed to afford a good excuse to a certain little witch1 with black eyes1 to propose the performance of pinning a thimbleful of water to the wall4 ,the thimble was filled with water1 a pin borrowed1 and mademoiselle1 escorted by her cavalier--a young gentleman in patent-leather boots1 and breathing incense from every curl of his hair1 and from every part of his dress1 to a degree calculated to drive ,phalon mad and ruin the reputation of ,arabia4 ,escorted by this exquisite being1 the young lady repaired to the spot selected for the experiment2 but1 alas6 just as she was about to fix the thimble to the wall the pin dropped to the floor4 ,in an instant the perfumed gallant was on his knees searching for the lost article1 and with equal promptitude the treacherous belle had emptied the water on his fragrant pate1 amid the roars of laughter of those around--for in this consisted the trick4 ,while we were still laughing the door opened1 and ,nix entered1 somewhat flushed1 and with a comical frown on his brow4 ,ladies and gentlemen1 he began1 ,i have a serious complaint to make--really it is too bad4 ,upon my life it is4 ,i think ,miss ,mary ,fenn and ,miss ,julia ,farley1 and several of the other young ladies1 ought to be spoken to 7the ladies mentioned and several others here colored up and looked rather scared74 ,i think they ought to be very seriously spoken to1 going round in this reckless way4 ,why1 upon my life1 there's no knowing what may happen--and they don't care one bit4 ,they care no more for a fellow-creature than ,i do for a fly4 ,ah6 7with a sigh7 there is one feller-creature which ,i wish they would think a little more of4 ,in common honesty they ought to do something to their eyes--wear spectacles1 or something of that sort2 and for their lips1 since nature has seen fit not to provide them with moustaches1 they might use respirators or--or--or--well1 something has to be done1 or there won't be a sane man in the neighborhood4 ,i myself have a severe pain in my left side2 and here1 when ,i go outside--,i don't mean the left side1 but outside the room--for a little temporary relief1 ,i find a poor fellow maimed1 probably for life--his head completely turned4 ,at this point a figure resembling the opposite sketch walks in1 and declares that he would not have his head turned back for the world2 on the contrary1 he finds his present position far more comfortable than any other1 etc41 etc41 etc4 ,illustration ,the construction of this figure is so simple that it seems almost superfluous to explain it4 ,the person performing it puts on a loose coat and vest1 wrong side foremost1 fastens a false face to the back of his head1 and a wig over his face1 and the whole is complete4 ,the wig may be made of curled hair from an old mattress1 sewed on to a black silk cap4 ,by the way1 while we are on the subject1 we may as well say a word or two more concerning this curled hair1 which will be found very useful for amateur theatricals4 ,with a handful of this cheap material 7the imitation or grass substitute will answer just as well71 you can make beards1 whiskers1 and moustaches of any desired shape4 ,all that is required is to twist1 stretch1 or mould the tangled mass into the desired shape1 and then1 in the proper place1 stick on a small piece of diachylon1 and the appendage is ready for use4 ,the diachylon can be purchased in lump form of any druggist4 ,in order to adhere it to the face1 it should be slightly warmed before the fire4 ,why1 bless my soul alive1 if the poor fellow's head isn't turned6 exclaimed ,aunty ,delluvian1 in unfeigned surprise4 ,well1 some foolish fellows do get their heads turned by the girls1 and the good old lady laughed heartily1 honestly believing she had made a joke4 ,indeed1 she patted us on the knee to draw our attention1 as she added1 in an explanatory way3 ,you know1 when ,i was a girl1 and any young fellow fell in love with one of the girls1 we used to say his head was turned2 so ,i say that young man's head is turned--don't you see6 and again the old lady went off in a transport of merriment at her own wit4 ,but in a moment it was over1 and when we turned there was something glistening in her eye1 as she looked dreamily before her out of that ,christmas-day away off1 doubtless1 to some other ,christmas-day when young men had their heads turned by designing young women4 ,but there was no time for reverie2 for ,nix1 who had assumed the position of showman1 now made himself heard1 bellowing through his nose3 ,now1 ladies and gentleman1 ,i will proceed to show you a highly moral exhibition1 some of the four-footed works of nature1 or1 as they are commonly called1 quadrupedals4 ,this exhibition1 by calling the mind to contemplate the works of nature1 elevates the soul to things above1 and makes us all better fathers1 husbands1 wives1 sweethearts1 sons1 and girls to do general housework4 ,now1 ladies and gentlemen1 ,i would ask you who1 after contemplating the rhinoceros1 would fail to return home a more dutiful parent or respectful sweetheart8 ,but1 to step from the realms of fancy to the practical regions of fact1 ,i will proceed to interdooce to you that splendid anumile ,saladin1 the royal ,bengal tiger1 from ,botteny ,bay1 in the ,west ,injees4 ,this wonderful creature measures sixteen feet from the tip of the tail to the tip of the snout1 and sixteen feet from the tip of the snout to the tip of the tail1 making in all thirty-two feet4 ,illustration ,at this point of his oration the showman paused1 opened the door1 and gave a loud whistle1 when in scampered a creature more easily sketched than described4 ,at first we did not recognise the stub-tailed bull-terrier ,snap1 so completely was he disguised and bestriped with black paint1 more to resemble a zebra1 however1 than a tiger4 ,snap1 all unconscious of his new character1 began frisking and capering round1 wagging his tail vociferously1 as ,nix expressed it4 ,this beautiful but terrible creature1 continued ,nix1 is exquisitely marked by nature4 ,his1 however1 are not good-conduct marks1 for1 in his native wilds1 his behavior is anything but proper4 ,he will devour anything that comes in his way1 having been known1 when pressed by hunger1 to eat even an alderman4 ,such being the nature of the beast1 ,i will now proceed to show you a more amiable specimen of this moral exhibition4 ,this1 ladies and gentlemen1 is the largest of all animals4 ,it belongs to ,asia and ,africa4 ,we have no elephants1 naturally1 in ,america1 any more than we have ,irishmen4 ,they are all imported at great expense1 two ships being required to bring over each creature1 one for himself1 and one for his trunk1 ,i believe4 ,enter elephant 7adjoining page74 ,the elephant lives chiefly on ginger-snaps1 sugar1 rice1 and cayenne pepper1 which1 at the present price of groceries1 makes his board come rather heavy4 ,you have all heard of the sagacity of the elephant--how he squirted the dirty water over that injudicious tailor who ran his needle into the elephant's trunk4 ,but1 ladies and gentlemen1 ,i was witness to a more singular instance of intelligence on the part of this elephant here1 which is1 perhaps1 the largest of its kind ever imported to this country4 ,while passing through the streets of one of our inland towns during the late election1 this very anumile seized a slip of paper from one of the crowd1 rushed up to the polls1 and actually voted the ,union ticket before we knew what he was about4 ,illustration3 ,,how ,,to ,,make ,,an ,,elephant4 ,see page #abf4 ,in this strain ,nix continued for some time1 while the elephant walked round the room4 ,little boys were mounted on his back for a ride1 and enjoyed the fun hugely4 ,the scientific gentleman with gold spectacles threw a temporary damper on the merriment by asking1 in a sombre voice1 whether we knew how many times round the elephant's foot was equal to his height1 and then equally solemnly informing us that it was ,twice4 ,having said twice6 very emphatically1 he became silent1 and the fun went on4 ,now comes the question--,how was the elephant made8 ,a glance at the annexed picture will throw considerable light on the subject at once4 ,here we have the usual human substratum4 ,two gentlemen1 wearing rubbers1 place themselves in the position represented1 while the foremost one holds something in his hands4 ,this is a grey shawl or table-cover1 rolled up to represent the elephant's trunk1 which the performer swings about to produce a life-like effect4 ,all that now remains to be done is to procure another grey shawl and spread it over the united operators1 fastening two pieces of round paper1 with black dots on them1 in the proper places1 for eyes1 and a couple of rags or old gloves for ears4 ,the elephant is now complete1 save the tusks4 ,these can be made out of long pieces of twisted white paper1 pinned to the inside of the shawl1 and there you have a first-rate elephant for a small tea-party4 ,dish1 and serve up with lots of sass1 as the cookery books say4 ,but let us listen to ,nix2 he is spouting some more nonsense3 ,ladies and gentlemen3 ,this elephant was captured and imported into this country by a ,bengal officer1 ,colonel ,gurramuchy1 whom ,i shall have much pleasure in introducing to you4 ,you have all heard of ,cumming--well1 he is coming4 ,illustration ,illustration ,here entered the most extraordinary being we had ever beheld2 a very military-looking person1 with a very small head and an exceedingly long neck4 ,however1 refer to the illustration1 where you see him faithfully portrayed4 ,following him was an equally singular person1 who was presented to us as ,captain ,dawk1 a particular friend of the ,colonel's1 whose portrait we likewise subjoin4 ,these gentlemen chatted with ,nix1 and told us one or two of their hunting adventures--the most extravagant yarns4 ,we have only space for one1 which we shall condense as much as possible4 ,captain ,dawk once1 while hunting the wild boar in ,india1 had the misfortune to have his horse ripped open by the tusks of the infuriated beast4 ,his horse of course fell heavily1 and died almost immediately4 ,while he was standing at the side of the poor creature1 deploring his loss1 and wondering how he should ever reach home1 he beheld at some distance from him1 on the open plain1 a huge tiger approaching4 ,there was no tree within miles2 to run away would have been useless2 he at once bethought himself of an idea4 ,seizing his hunting-knife1 he rapidly removed the internals of the horse1 and crept into the cavity himself4 ,the tiger1 on coming up1 seized the horse by the neck1 and dragged it several miles to its den in the jungle1 where it commenced at once to feast upon the carcass4 ,watching a favorable opportunity1 when the tiger had eaten a hole in the horse's side1 ,captain ,dawk drew a small revolver from his pocket1 and shot the animal dead4 ,he was just in the act of crawling from his place of concealment when he beheld five more tigers approaching4 ,four of these he shot one after the other from inside the horse1 and then all his ammunition was exhausted1 and one tiger was left alive2 but1 drawing his knife1 he resolved to sell his life dearly4 ,here the ,captain gave us a most harrowing account of his encounter with the last tiger1 which was larger than any of the others4 ,first it broke both his legs1 then his arms1 then his back1 and finally the ferocious beast got the officer's head into its mouth--but to conclude in his own words3 ,i felt the hot breath in my face1 the sharp teeth pressing both sides of my skull4 ,in another instant ,i felt all would be over1 and my worst fears were realized4 ,with one gripe the wretched brute bit off my head1 and then tearing me limb from limb1 devoured me on the spot4 ,this story was pronounced a stunner4 ,but how were these extraordinary faces produced8 ,first1 we will refer our readers to the diagram1 which will explain a good deal1 and then throw what light we can on the subject with words4 ,the face of the ,colonel was made by painting an entire set of features on the forehead with ,india-ink4 ,the white of the eyes in both cases was effected by wetting the finger and rubbing it on an enamelled visiting-card2 by this means you take a good deal of the white from the card which can be transferred to the proper place on the forehead4 ,in the case of the ,colonel1 if the performer moves his eyebrows up and down as he is speaking1 it will communicate a motion to the pointed moustaches1 and a most comical expression to the entire face4 ,illustration ,to make the second face1 you must1 if possible1 get some one with very light eyebrows and no moustaches2 then paint eyes and eyebrows on the forehead1 which must be done artistically1 shadows and all1 and connect them1 as represented1 with the bridge of the nose1 paint heavy black moustaches1 and your performer will have the appearance of possessing an immensely long face2 he must1 however1 keep his eyes shut1 or the illusion will be dispelled4 ,after this performance1 the scene1 as painted on our memory1 resolves itself into blue eyes1 pink ribbons1 bunchy skirts1 oranges1 candies1 lemonades1 wax-lights1 ,christmas-trees1 ,aunty ,delluvian1 and endless smiling faces4 ,may all good people have as foolish1 merry a ,christmas as we had at ,aunty ,delluvian's6 ,,chapter ,,xii4 ,hanky-panky is the name of a certain art practised by pantomimists of the clown and harlequin school1 and is the subject of no little study and practice4 ,we do not think it within our power to define hanky-panky1 composed as it is of fictitious whackings and kickings and smackings1 unless1 indeed1 that be a definition4 ,we can1 however1 give a couple of illustrations of the art as it may be practised in the family circle4 ,we may look further into the matter at some future day1 and possibly issue a volume of ,parlor hanky-panky1 beautifully illustrated by the author4 ,the first example we shall now give is how to knock your knuckles on the edge of a marble mantel-piece or other hard substance without hurting them4 ,it is done thus3 ,you raise your clenched fist high in the air1 hold it poised there some seconds for all the audience to see1 and then bring it swiftly down2 but just before your hand reaches the object1 open your fingers quickly1 so they will strike the object with a sharp slap1 then close them quickly2 if this is neatly done1 it will appear as if you had struck your knuckles a violent blow4 ,this will make the ladies scream1 and every one else thrill of horror4 ,illustration ,the second feat of hanky-panky consists in knocking your head against the edge of a door with such apparent force as to break your skull1 provided it be anything under an inch thick4 ,this you do by holding your hand which is farthest from the audience on a level with your face1 as represented in the annexed picture4 ,at the moment your forehead touches the edge you must give the side of the door a good smart bang with the palm of your hand4 ,to the audience on the other side of the door1 who do not see this motion of the hand1 you appear to have given your poor head a terrific blow4 ,illustration ,another piece of hanky-panky frequently practised on the stage requires two performers4 ,no4 #a aims a blow at the head of ,no4 #b2 ,no4 #b1 just as the blow reaches him1 raises both hands as though to guard the blow1 managing1 however1 as he does so to slap them smartly together so as to produce a loud report4 ,if the blow and the report occur simultaneously1 ,no4 #a will appear to have given ,no4 #b a most vicious box on the ear4 ,this is all we have to say about hanky-panky4 ,,chapter ,,xiii4 ,being in a tranquil mood the other evening1 and indisposed for the rollicking fun and tomfoolery in which1 we are glad to say1 we have so often indulged1 we called upon our friend ,nix to pass a quiet hour or two4 ,when we had explained the object of our visit1 ,nix replied that it was well1 for although he could not entertain us himself in the character of host1 he could introduce us to a family to whom he happened to be engaged himself that evening4 ,they are1 said he1 the most charming people in the world--all ladies1 excepting a little pickle of a boy1 a child after your own heart1 by the way2 not one of your impulsive1 high-spirited humbugs1 who does all sorts of vicious things for twelve hours1 and is sorry for them for five minutes2 not one of your easy penitents1 who is never ashamed of owning himself in the wrong1 and at the same time never too proud to do wrong2 but a stubborn1 sensitive1 ingenuous1 affectionate1 fun-loving little fellow4 ,do you know ,i like people who1 when they are mad1 get sulky8 ,i have found they make the best of friends1 the best servants1 and the best members of society generally4 ,i wonder who started the admiration of impulsive people8 ',oh6' you hear a young lady say1 who never really gave the subject five minutes' thought in her life1 and is quite unconscious that she is repeating a hackneyed sentiment which has been knocking about the world for the last fifty years2 'oh6' you hear her say1 ',i like quick-tempered people1 who get into a passion and are over it in a minute4' ,then you hear some one else3 ',oh1 yes1 he does wrong1 but he is full of fine impulses6' ,for my part1 ,i think these impulsive folks are the greatest humbugs in the world4 ,in the first place1 there is scarcely any villany which cannot be perpetrated in a moment1 if you have only the necessary impulse2 but then1 to look into the origin of this impulsiveness1 it arises altogether from a lack of self-control1 a violent1 self-indulgent spirit4 ,then1 as to ready repentance and confession1 that1 to my mind1 is the worst sign man1 woman1 or child can show2 it simply shows they do not fully appreciate the seriousness of their offence1 or are so devoid of pride that they do not care in what estimation they are held by others2 or1 as is often the case1 it is a cheap way of squaring accounts and starting afresh1 perhaps on better terms than before1 with people who like impulsive characters4 ,bah6 ,confession and repentance ought to come out of a man with tears of blood1 and---- ,but about the ladies8 we broke in4 ,your dissertation on character is very good1 but ,i think you made use of the adjective charming in connection with the noun ladies4 ,oh1 yes1 answered ,nix1 suddenly changing his manner1 for he had grown quite fierce and enthusiastic in his tirade against impulsive persons4 ,the ladies--'that man who would lay his hand on a lady in aught save kindness1 is unworthy the name of a ,british officer and a gentleman4' ',a wife1 a dog1 and a walnut-tree1 ,the more you lick 'em1 the better they be4' ,arguments pro and con4 ,but you said something about the ladies4 ,well1 this family comprises a widow1 three daughters1 and little pickle aforementioned4 ,these ladies1 ,i may tell you1 are not only ladies1 but gentlewomen--a very1 very rare article1 ,i can assure you4 ,true1 we responded2 painfully true4 ,these ladies have found out--no1 there ,i am wrong2 they never gave the subject a thought4 ,but they are illustrations of the fact1 though they are ignorant of it1 for their good-breeding came to them partly by nature and partly by careful1 motherly1 ,christian training4 ,they are illustrations of the fact1 that to be gentlewomen it is necessary to be gentle women4 ,women do not appear to be generally aware of that fact1 we chimed in4 ,these ladies1 although full of intelligence and esprit1 besides being highly educated and accomplished1 could not1 ,i believe1 give a smart retort to--to--to save their eyes2 and when you see their eyes you will be able to judge of the value of the stake4 ,if any one were to make a rude or impertinent speech to them they would not understand him4 ,as they never wound the feelings of others1 they cannot imagine any one else doing so4 ,but1 said we1 there are certain forms of words which no one could possibly mistake--not even the simplest of human beings4 ,oh1 of course1 ,i don't refer to such cases as those6 ,under such circumstances1 my friends would feel deeply grieved1 and even rebuke the offender4 ,but as to making one of those sharp retorts in which underbred young women so greatly delight1 why1 they could no more do it than fly6 ,fortunately1 at this point in ,nix's harangue1 we reached the door of the ladies under discussion2 for be it understood that most of our conversation had occurred on our way thither4 ,we doubt whether it is a good plan to praise one's friends too highly before an introduction2 it is calculated to produce a reaction4 ,at least1 we felt just the least shade of disappointment on being ushered into the presence of the subject of our companion's eulogy4 ,four plainly-dressed1 oval-faced1 soft-eyed ladies1 seated round a large centre-table1 on which were strewn water-colors1 albums1 scissors1 and scraps of paper4 ,mr4 ,nix has told us all so much about you1 said the eldest1 that ,i feel as though we were old friends4 ,my daughters are now enthusiastic on the subject of transparencies1 and ,i've no doubt your ingenuity will enable them to solve many knotty points beyond their amateur capacity4 ,we soon found1 however1 that we were the one to learn1 for the work on which the white fingers were engaged was something entirely new to us4 ,there were beautiful transparencies1 mostly representing landscapes1 and cut out of writing-paper4 ,we immediately became a devoted student of the art of transparent picture-making1 with a single eye1 of course1 to the amusement of our readers4 ,the soft1 brown eyes1 the taper fingers1 and the gentle manners1 had nothings to do with our assiduity1 upon which we pledge our sacred honor1 as a ,calmuc ,tartar4 ,illustration3 ,,paper ,,transparencies4--,see page #adc4 ,we will now proceed to explain1 if those white fingers do not get in the way1 how these pictures are produced2 and first1 according to our custom1 we refer the reader to the annexed diagram 7,no4 #a7--;a diagram is a good basis to start upon4 ,before you look at the diagram1 it would be well to collect the necessary materials1 which are as follows3 ,several sheets of writing-paper4 ,one piece1 say four inches square1 of thick paper or card4 ,a pair of small fine-pointed scissors4 ,a sharp-pointed penknife4 ,a small piece of charcoal4 ,burnt grape-vine or cedar makes the best4 ,a piece of transparent tracing-paper4 ,a black lead-pencil4 ,pen and ink4 ,a thick pasteboard1 or thin pine board1 about the thickness of an ordinary book-cover1 and at least two inches longer and wider than the picture you are about to make4 ,a sheet of glass will answer as well1 perhaps better4 ,a small quantity of thin1 fine paste1 free from lumps1 made of flour and water boiled4 ,mind that it is boiled and free from lumps4 ,now see the diagram ,no4 #a4 ,this is the picture you wish to produce in the transparency4 ,take your tracing-paper1 and with a pen and ink make an outline of this picture1 having done which1 rub the charcoal over the back of the tracing1 then lay the tracing-paper on a sheet of letter-paper1 take your lead-pencil in your hand2 now1 every mark you make on the tracing-paper with the pencil will leave a corresponding charcoal mark on the paper beneath it4 ,bearing this in mind1 you will draw your pencil carefully round the outline of the moon1 the window of the old castle1 and the bright light in the water4 ,now carefully remove the tracing-paper1 and you will find the forms of these objects faintly marked in charcoal lines on the writing-paper4 ,now1 with the fine point 7it must have a fine point7 of your lead-pencil1 travel over the charcoal lines1 so as to make them distinct and permanent4 ,you do so because the charcoal easily brushes off4 ,you will then proceed to brush off the charcoal with a soft rag as soon as you have made your pencil outline4 ,you will now1 with the scissors or penknife1 whichever is most convenient for the purpose1 cut out the parts you have traced--that is to say1 a round hole for the moon1 a small square patch for the castle window1 and a few irregular slits for the water4 ,then you will have a piece of paper like diagram ,no4 #b 7page #aeb74 ,there now1 we think we managed to keep the white fingers out of that pretty well1 though it was pretty hard work1 rest assured4 ,so far so good4 ,now you want to cut a piece of paper1 which shall be your second tint1 to represent the clouds and water4 ,to this end you again lay your outline tracing on the white paper1 and trace the shape of the clouds1 the castle window1 and the lights on the water1 which will give you a form similar to that represented in diagram ,no4 #c 7page #aec74 ,this you will cut out as before4 ,now you wish for a tint to represent the distant mountains and the reflection of the old castle2 therefore1 trace and cut out as before directed a piece of paper corresponding with the outlines of these forms1 which piece will correspond exactly with diagram ,no4 #d 7page #aed74 ,now you will cut out a piece of paper to represent the nearer mountains and the castle1 which will correspond with diagram ,no4 #e 7page #aee74 ,after which you will cut a piece to represent the castle alone2 and lastly1 you cut out of your card the form of the fir-tree and old railing in the foreground1 and the chief part of your labor is done4 ,again we must congratulate ourself on keeping those little fingers out of our description1 though they have been playing about like white mice among our ideas all the time4 ,we only trust we have made the process clear to our readers4 ,we will now presume you wish to mount your transparency on a sheet of glass4 ,first take the piece of white paper corresponding with diagram ,no4 #b1 and cover it with a thin coat of paste1 being careful that it is free from lumps1 and lay it on the glass1 pressing it evenly all over with a soft handkerchief4 ,over this1 in its proper place1 paste ,no4 #c1 over that ,no4 #d1 and so on1 one over the other1 till they are all on4 ,you can now hold it up to the light to see if the reflected lights in the water are correct2 if not1 wait till the transparency is dry1 and brighten them up by cutting the necessary pieces out with the sharp point of a penknife4 ,all that needs doing now is to paste over all a thin sheet of white paper4 ,this need only be pasted round the edges just enough to make it keep its place4 ,to give the picture a finish1 it should either be put in a frame or have a border of gilt paper or other untranslucent material pasted round it to conceal the ragged edges of the picture4 ,now your picture is complete4 ,hold it once more up to the light1 and you will be surprised what a beautiful effect is produced4 ,if the transparency be not to be mounted in glass1 the process is as follows3 ,cut a square hole1 a trifle smaller than the picture1 in the board you have provided2 cut a piece of white paper of the same shape as the hole1 only about one inch larger each way2 moisten it slightly with a wet rag1 then put some paste all round the edges of the paper1 and paste it over the square hole in the board2 keep the paper slightly moistened till the paste has thoroughly dried2 then you can allow the paper to dry1 when it will become smooth and tight like the head of a drum4 ,on this you can paste the transparency in the same way you did on the glass4 ,our young lady friends had a number of wonderful things produced in this way1 into some of which they had introduced color with remarkable effect4 ,in the design we have given as an example1 being one of the simplest in their collection1 the light in the castle window was red1 and threw long rays of red light across the rocks1 with a red reflection in the water4 ,this was easily done with a little water-color 7crimson lake72 but we refrained from introducing it into our description1 for fear of complicating the matter and puzzling the reader4 ,however1 when you have made the one we have described1 you will soon see a number of other effects which can be produced--sunsets with a moving sun1 rain-storms1 floating clouds2 skies and water painted blue1 and trees green1 etc41 etc4 ,little ,pickle did not take any active part in the transparency business1 though he looked on admiringly1 occasionally throwing in a few words of applause or advice1 something in this style3 ,oh6 ,i say1 ,lucy1 couldn't you put a cow in there2 it would look fust-rate4 ,i can draw a cow1 all but the feet1 and you can hide them behind the rocks1 you know4 ,or3 ,yes--ah--yes--that snow is pretty good1 only that feller has only got one runner to his sled6 ,it is strange that boys will always say feller and fust-rate4 ,little ,pickle was not1 however1 idle in his way4 ,while we were studying white fingers1 brown eyes1 and transparencies1 he had cut out a sled1 a wheel-barrow1 and manufactured a dancing-pea4 ,the latter he made by running a pin half way through a pea1 one end of which he stuck into a broken piece of tobacco-pipe4 ,he then threw his head back till the tobacco-pipe attained a perpendicular position1 when he commenced blowing1 which made the pea dance in the air in the most amusing manner for nearly a minute4 ,the mode of arranging the pea1 as well as of using it1 is illustrated in the accompanying sketch4 ,illustration ,he likewise horrified us all by suddenly appearing with a hideous double row of protruding yellow teeth1 which he coolly dropped into the palm of his hand1 when he thought our feelings had been sufficiently outraged4 ,they are only made of orange-peel1 he explained4 ,you just cut a slit there1 and notch them along like that1 and then put them into your mouth4 ,illustration ,now1 in order to convey to your mind1 dear reader1 the method of constructing this ornament1 shall we tell you to cut an elliptical piece of orange1 and then make a longitudinal incision here1 with transverse incisions there1 etc41 etc48 ,no1 we will not2 we will fall back to our old friend the diagram1 and if you cannot make yourself a set of false teeth after that1 then remain in heathen darkness on all matters of dentistry1 as you deserve4 ,cut a piece of orange-peel in the shape represented1 and at the foot of the preceding diagram you will see how they look when you put them on4 ,illustration3 ,diagram ,no4 #b4 ,illustration3 ,diagram ,no4 #c4 ,illustration3 ,diagram ,no4 #d4 ,illustration3 ,diagram ,no4 #e4 ,illustration3 ,diagram ,no4 #f4 ,illustration3 ,diagram ,no4 #g4 ,,chapter ,,xiv4 ,a friend of ours1 who is an ardent admirer of that great humorist of the plains1 ,artemus ,ward1 has recently been edifying a large circle of private friends with imitations of the celebrated showman4 ,he has had a wig and false nose made expressly for this entertainment1 by the aid of which adjuncts he succeeds in establishing quite a respectable resemblance to the grand original1 as may be seen by his portrait1 which we have taken the trouble to get engraved4 ,most of the jokes are those of ,artemus repeated from memory4 ,the more sober ones1 we fancy1 are original4 ,the lecture runs thus3 ,,ladies ,,and ,,gentlemen3--,having recently paid a visit to ,salt ,lake ,city1 the great ,mormon capital1 ,i think a short lecture on the subject may prove instructive as well as amusing4 ,although ,i appear before you with the cap and bells1 ,i would have you understand that when ,i speak of matters of fact ,i shall confine myself strictly to the truth4 ,you may1 therefore1 rely upon all ,i shall tell you concerning the ,mormons as being strictly true4 ,illustration ,when on the dock preparatory to start on my voyage1 ,i found myself surrounded by a large concourse of people1 who seemed perfectly willing that ,i should go4 ',go along1' they said1 'old feller1 and stay as long as you please4' ,i would like you to take a good look at the noble vessel in which ,i sailed 7pointing to a crude delineation of a steamship71 because1 if you ever go to ,california1 travel by some other boat4 ,when we were fairly out at sea1 ,i observed that many of the passengers ran frequently to look over the side of the vessel--to see if there were any dolphins alongside1 ,i presume4 ,one young couple sitting near me1 newly married and very haggard1 talked earnestly together4 ,i could not avoid hearing a part of their conversation4 ',oh1 ,julia1' said the gentleman1 'you are very noble2 you have thrown up society1 friends1 everything for me4' ',do not say a word1 ,alfred1' replied the young lady2 'you have thrown up more than ,i have4' ,it was very touching1 for they certainly threw up a great deal between them4 ,in ,san ,francisco ,i delivered an oration4 ,it was not1 perhaps1 equal to ,cicero's1 but still ,i think--,i don't know--but ,i think if old ,cis had heard it he would have been astonished4 ,i delivered an oration to the soldiers once4 ,they were much delighted--very much delighted indeed--so delighted1 in fact1 that they come dooced near shooting me4 ,the hotels on the road to ,salt ,lake ,city are1 as a rule1 inferior to our leading ones in ,new ,york4 ,at one of them they gave me a sack of oats for a pillow4 ,that night ,i had nightmares4 ,i suppose they were attracted by the oats4 ,the next morning the landlord asked me how ,i was1 old hoss6 ,i replied that ,i felt my oats6 ,after travelling several days1 more or less1 we reached ,utah1 and put up at this hotel 7here a rude picture is produced74 ,it is a temperance hotel4 ,the only objection ,i have to temperance hotels is that--that--they keep such dooced poor licker4 ,in the front of the hotel may be seen the coach in which we had been confined for the last eight days4 ,those among my audience who have served a term in the ,state prison will understand our feeling when we escaped from that vehicle4 ,utah is a beautiful city1 laid out in broad streets1 with avenues of fine trees4 ,brigham ,young is the big injun of the place1 next to whom comes ,heber ,kimball4 ,brigham has the largest number of wives--two hundred in all4 ,he says his only hope now is to have his dying pillow smoothed by the hands of his family4 ,under the circumstances1 it strikes me he'd have to go out of doors to die if he wishes to accomplish it4 ,the number of his children is unknown1 though1 if you multiply two hundred wives by fifteen1 you will get a rough estimate4 ,we mentioned this to ,briggy1 and he seemed to think it rather rough4 ,perhaps so4 ,brig is very exact in his calculations2 he knows to a ton of beef what is consumed in his household daily4 ,as an illustration of his exceeding accuracy in little matters1 we may mention a fact4 ,on one occasion one of his wives was missing4 ,five weeks had not elapsed before ,brigham had discovered the fact4 ,those of my audience who have mothers-in-law will appreciate the advantage of two hundred wives4 ,there must be a good deal of mother-in-law to that number2 an amount highly calculated to keep things lively4 ,possibly ,brigham is fond of excitement4 ,on one occasion ,briggy took a fancy to a certain young lady1 and proposed for her hand4 ,she replied that she could not accept his offer unless he also married her elder sister4 ,to this he readily assented--went to her--the proposition was made--the sister said she should be obliged to decline unless he married her mother also4 ,after some deliberation he proposed to the mother1 but she refused unless he would also propose to her old grandmother4 ,finally he married the whole crowd4 ,of course ,brigham cannot attend personally to the amount of courting necessary--that is to say1 in our old-fashioned style4 ,no1 he has his form of love done up in pamphlet form1 which he sends to any lady to whom he wishes to be united4 ,this saves trouble4 ,though the ,mormons generally are a very steady people1 they still have loose fish among them4 ,on one occasion a gay ,mormon ,lothario gained access to a young ladies' seminary4 ,in the morning it was found he had eloped with the entire establishment4 ,i1 even ,i did not escape without some difficulty4 ,just before my departure1 a worthy gentleman in the pickle business died1 leaving fourteen wives4 ,they sent for me4 ,when ,i called ,i found them all in tears4 ',why is this thus8' ,i inquired4 ',art going8' inquired they4 ',i ist1' ,i replied4 ',oh1 why6 oh1 why goest thou8' ',because when ,i gettest ready to doest a thing1 ,i generally doest it1' replied ,i4 ',wilt marry us8' said they4 ',i rather think not1' ,i replied4 ',oh1 this is too much6' cried they4 ',that's where it is1' rejoined myself4 ',it's precisely on account of its being too much that ,i object to it4' ,my lectures were very popular at ,salt ,lake1 and always well attended4 ,on one occasion ,i incautiously gave a family ticket to a certain ,elder4 ,that night my house was crowded to overflowing4 ,it was entirely filled with the ,elder's family4 ,there was not room for a single paying visitor to come in4 ,the next day they called to say they were very much pleased1 and gave me their photograph in a very pretty pocket-case1 something like a wallet4 ,subsequently it was taken out of my pocket by a young man on ,broadway1 but ,i detected him in the act and seized him by the collar4 ,he at once acknowledged the deed1 but said he did it in the name of the ,confederate government in retaliation for outrages committed by our troops in the ,shenandoah ,valley4 ,here the lecture ended4 ,it generally received nearly as much applause as that of the great original1 for my friend had studied ,ward's peculiar manner and quaint enunciation till he had got it to a nicety4 ,,chapter ,,xv4 ,this chapter we shall devote exclusively to a little play1 written expressly for parlor performance4 ,the characters are so few1 and the materials--in the way of dress and scenery--so simple1 that it can be easily gotten up in any household4 ,in the full-page picture you will see our idea of the make-up of the ,artist1 but as ,mr4 ,bullywingle does not come out so well on so small a scale1 we annex a picture of his head and shoulders as a guide to the reader4 ,we feel disposed1 however1 to allow the largest latitude to the performers as to make-up4 ,they can modify the dress of the characters according to circumstances4 ,another reason we have for giving the portrait of ,mr4 ,bullywingle is1 that a large copy of it is required in the performance of the piece4 ,in copying this it is no matter how ludicrously inaccurate your performance is1 provided you make the face fiery red1 the hair white1 and the spectacles green4 ,indeed1 the worse the picture the funnier the effect4 ,illustration ,mr4 ,bullywingle4--,hat--white1 with black band4 ,face very red1 culminating in a bright crimson on the nose4 ,the face should be colored with vermilion1 which can be procured in a powdered state at any color store4 ,if you get it in this state mix it with water1 to which add a very small quantity of gum or glue4 ,the best plan1 however1 is1 if convenient1 to purchase a cake of vermilion such as is used for water-colors4 ,hair1 eyebrows1 and moustache must be very white4 ,the hair and moustache can be made white by dressing with plenty of pomatum1 and then sprinkling them liberally with flour from the flour dredger4 ,the imperial and eyebrows should be painted on the face with flake-white4 ,procure two ounces of flake-white 7in powder7 in any paint store2 mix it carefully with water till it is about as thick as molasses4 ,a small piece of glue1 about the weight of two beans1 should be dissolved in the water before it is added to the flake-white4 ,spectacles--green1 which you can either borrow from a friend1 buy at a store1 or steal anywhere4 ,if1 however1 you are too proud to steal1 and you cannot get the specs any other way1 you may cut them out of card-board and paint the proper color4 ,as ,mr4 ,bullywingle wears his specs on the end of his nose1 never using them to look through1 it is of little consequence whether they be transparent or not4 ,cravat--large and white4 ,shirt collar--large2 can be cut out of writing-paper4 ,coat--blue1 with gilt buttons4 ,vest and pants--light2 the latter short in the legs4 ,shoes--low4 ,mr4 ,puttyblow 7the artist74--,nose red2 eyebrows black1 and painted above the natural eyebrows4 ,this gives the eyebrows a continued elevated appearance1 which is very comical in effect4 ,the moustache and beard can either be painted with burnt cork or ,india-ink1 or1 which is far better1 made out of curled hair and a little diachylon1 as described in a previous chapter4 ,if you wish to make the character very comic1 you can turn up the nose with a piece of thread and stick a patch of court-plaster over one of your teeth1 all of which has been described in earlier chapters4 ,cap--something fancy1 of bright color if possible4 ,coat--anything comical and shabby4 ,the young man is poor4 ,pants--short in the legs4 ,miss ,mac,slasher must be attired in walking costume1 and make herself look as elegant and pretty as possible4 ,or in case the ladies won't act1 or you happen to be out of pretty girls1 you can get ,miss ,mac,slasher up as an old lady1 and make her look as comical as you can4 ,you see our play is on a compensating1 self-adjusting principle4 ,now we will give you a list of all the things you will require in the way of properties1 as they are called in stage parlance4 ,before doing so1 however1 we must impress upon you the necessity of having a stage manager1 otherwise you will surely get into a state of confusion and spoil the play4 ,it is the duty of the stage-manager to collect the properties together and see that they are all in their right places4 ,he will arrange the stage1 and1 if desirable1 act as prompter4 ,vermilion--,to be procured at a paint store4 ,flake-white and green paint--paint store4 ,card-board for imitation spectacles1 and glue--paint store4 ,three or four camel's-hair pencils--paint store4 ,india-ink or burnt cork4 ,pomatum1 butter or lard for hair4 ,ten cents' worth of diachylon 7in lump form1 not plaster--remember this2 also remember that the diachylon must be warmed before the fire to make it stick71 which can be had at any drug store4 ,flour for hair can be procured from the kitchen1 if the barrel ain't gin' out4 ,green spectacles4 ,white cravat and large shirt-collar4 ,blue or green coat1 with bright buttons4 ,vest and pantaloons1 light in color4 ,small piece of court-plaster or black silk1 for tooth4 ,curled hair from stuffing of mattresses4 ,cap for artist1 of bright color4 ,coat for artist4 ,pants for ditto1 legs short4 ,slippers for ditto4 ,large portrait of ,mr4 ,bullywingle4 ,easel or stand for portrait4 ,palette 7the palette should be cut out of pasteboard1 the cover of a large book1 or something of that kind--a wooden palette would break when sat upon72 a maul-stick and brushes1 pictures1 casts1 etc41 to give the artist's studio an artistic appearance4 ,stale hard loaf of bread4 ,knife--palette knife if possible4 ,tray with two cups4 ,tea-pot containing very weak tea4 ,plates1 butter1 and pieces of crockery1 to make a clatter4 ,sheets1 comfortable1 shawls1 or ,turkey-red1 to make proscenium and drop-curtain4 ,several sheets of tissue-paper1 red and blue1 to ornament proscenium4 ,lamps to light the stage4 ,deeds and legal documents for ,mr4 ,bullywingle4 ,umbrella for ,mrs4 ,bullywingle4 ,white hat with black band4 ,towels1 or rags1 to cover and conceal artist's breakfast on a chair4 ,slice of bread prepared with diachylon or hooked pins to stick to ,mr4 ,bullywingle's coat-tail4 ,,bullywingle ,,the ,,beloved2 ,a ,,drama ,,in ,,one ,,act4 ,dramatis ,person4 ,mr4 ,puttyblow1 an artist4 ,mr4 ,bullywingle1 a bachelor who is beloved by women1 or thinks himself so4 ,miss ,mac,slasher4 ,,scene4--,an artist's studio4 ,curtain rises1 or is pulled down1 and discovers ,mr4 ,puttyblow seated at an easel opposite a picture which is so placed that the audience cannot see the face of it4 ,mr4 ,puttyblow 7yawning74 ,oh--on--on--awe--awe--oo--oo6 ,oh1 thunder6 ,oh1 pickled thunder1 turnip-tops1 trust1 tick1 and tomatoes6 ,i wish to goodness1 goose-pies1 and the goddess of fame1 some one would give me a commission to paint a picture--one thousand dollars--half cash in advance1 and the balance on completion of the work--some grand heroic subject1 which would send my name and fame resounding through the nations of the earth like the mighty avalanche of the ,alps1 till the human race with one voice should stand back and exclaim--,that's him6 ,now1 ,i think ,i could paint a picture of ,washington ,crossing the ,delaware in a style of art equally creditable to my feelings as an artist and an ,american citizen4 ,i'd make ,washington--yes--,i would not make him as they generally do1 in a great1 big1 comfortable boat1 with a new suit of clothes1 looking up to heaven1 while a lot of other fellows are shoving the boat through lumps of ice with hooks and pikes1 and things of that kind4 ,no6 ,i'd make him swimming across1 with the stars and stripes between his teeth and a horse-pistol of the period behind each ear4 ,that's what ,i should call something like a picture4 ,but all this is vain2 instead of painting big pictures1 and building my palatial villa on the ,hudson1 ,i am stuck and starved in this miserable chamber--a poor artist with scarcely anything to feed upon but tobacco-smoke and my own ideas4 ,talking about feed reminds me that ,i have had no breakfast yet4 ,now breakfast is one of those ideas about which ,i have my own ideas--namely1 to wit3 that you can't continually do without it--that's to say1 not as a steady thing4 ,it grows monotonous after a time4 ,that tea has been standing three-quarters of an hour1 and ought to be now fit for human nourishment 7pours out tea1 which is quite colorless74 ,rather weak--,i may even go so far as to say exceedingly weak4 ,it is like ,hancock's veterans1 will stand any amount of fire for any length of time without changing color4 ,but you are very weak1 poor tea2 like women1 let us respect your weakness4 ,the butter is strong enough to take care of you 7smells butter74 ,i wonder whether this butter is not manufactured near ,forty-second street1 ,n4 ,y4 ,it strikes me ,i have smelt something very like it near the soap factory on the ,hudson ,river ,railroad4 ,where's the knife 7takes knife and loaf78 ,ah6 here it is 7tries to cut loaf1 which resists all his efforts74 ,this loaf is beginning to get slightly obstinate4 ,most extraordinary thing how hard a loaf becomes after you have kept it for a week or two4 ,however1 ,i ain't the kind of man to let any darned baker's bread--ever baked--get the best of me4 ,no6 7,takes up hatchet at one side1 places bread on floor1 and begins chopping it4 ,cuts off a piece which he butters1 and lays upon a chair47 ,now1 ,puttyblow1 my boy2 you shall have bread and chops for breakfast4 ,c-h-e-o-p-s--chops6 ,chops with a large ,c4 7,a loud knocking is heard at the door47 ,oh1 thunder6 there's some one at the door--it will never do to let them see these things around 7piles up cups and saucers on tray and covers them with towels4 ,he leaves the slice of bread and butter1 however1 on the chair74 ,it doesn't look prosperous2 and nobody ever thinks anything of any one who isn't prosperous4 7,seats himself at easel1 and pretends to be busy painting47 ,come in6 ,enter ,mr4 ,bullywingle4 ,mr4 ,b4 ,ha6 ,i've found a refuge at last1 thank goodness6 ,i'm all in a flutter--she nearly caught me4 ,it was a dooced close shave4 ,here am ,i tormented to death by women who will insist upon marrying me4 ',pon my soul it is rather too bad that a man1 because he is rather nice-looking and has a little money saved up1 cannot leave his house without being pursued by all the women in creation wanting to marry him4 ,i don't want to marry them4 ,i don't see any particular fun in dividing all my property1 my time1 my comfort1 my amusement1 with another individual1 besides giving that individual the life-long privilege of--the life-long right to dictate the temperature of the apartment in which ,i sit1 the amount of light which shall illuminate my chamber2 who shall be my associates2 where ,i shall live2 what ,i shall eat2 what ,i shall drink--there's the rub6 actually putting the power into the hands of a mortal like yourself to come between you and your social tod4 ,oh1 it's horrible to think of6 ,marriage is a humbug4 ,i wouldn't marry the ,bearded ,lady herself4 ,but ,i wonder what kind of an office this is ,i've rushed into--not a lawyer's2 no--doesn't smell of ,russia leather4 ,not a ,government office2 no--don't smell any whiskey4 ,not p-e-t--yes1 r-o--l-e-u-m2 there's certainly a smell of oil around4 ,ah1 oh--yes1 ,i see2 it's some kind of a paint shop4 ,i must trump up some business with the proprietor as an excuse for coming in4 ,wonder1 by the way1 whether there's anybody about1 after all8 ,ah6 yes1 to be sure2 bless my soul1 there he is4 7,takes a step towards artist1 and coughs4 ,artist pretends to be deeply engaged in his art1 and does not hear him47 ,ahem6 ahem6 wonder whether the poor creature is deef and dumb4 ,ahem6 ah1 excuse me1 sir1 but--ah1 that is fine day--ahem6 good-morning1 sir4 ,artist4 ,good-morning1 sir4 ,mr4 ,b4 ,you are a painter1 are you not1 sir8 ,artist4 ,that is my name--ah1 that is to say1 that is my profession4 ,mr4 ,b4 ,i want you to paint me a sign for my store4 ,artist4 ,a what1 sir8 ,mr4 ,b4 ,a sign4 ,jothan ,h4 ,bullywingle1 wholesale---- ,artist4 ,wholesale fiddlestick6 ,mr4 ,b4 ,wholesale dealer in---- ,artist4 ,sir1 ,i would have you to understand that ,i don't paint signs1 sir4 ,i am an artist--historical and portrait delineator4 ,mr4 ,b4 ,oh1 ah6 yes1 exactly2 that's what ,i mean4 ,i want you to paint my portrait--,jothan ,h4 ,bullywingle1 wholesale--no1 exactly as you were saying1 my portrait4 7,aside7--,by ,jove1 ,i--,i'm in for it4 ,artist4 ,would you like a full face8 ,mr4 ,b4 7thoughtfully74 ,why1 pretty full4 ,artist4 ,or a side face8 ,mr4 ,b4 ,oh1 yes--a side face4 ,artist4 ,or a three-quarter face8 ,mr4 ,b4 ,yes1 a three-quarter face4 ,yes1 she was a blue one1 ,i think1 this last one4 ,artist 7prepares seat74 ,will you take a seat1 ,mr4 ,bully--,bully---- ,mr4 ,b4 ,wingle4 ,artist4 ,will you take a seat1 ,mr4 ,wingle8 ,mr4 ,b4 ,bully1 sir4 ,artist4 ,take a seat1 ,mr4 ,winglebully4 ,mr4 ,b4 ,yes1 yes1 certainly4 7,aside--,i'm regularly stuck for a portrait47 ,certainly1 sir2 though you haven't got my name exactly right--not quite correct1 my young friend4 ,my name is ,bullywingle4 7,aside--,the first one was purple and diamonds47 ,mr4 ,b4 seats himself at opposite side of stage to artist1 who sits down and prepares to paint4 ,artist4 ,will you smile1 sir8 ,mr4 ,b4 7aside47 ,really1 a very polite young man4 ,thank you1 ,i don't mind if ,i do--the least drop in the world2 ,bourbon1 or anything that's handy4 ,artist4 ,i mean1 sir1 will you be pleased to smile with your mouth8 ,mr4 ,b4 7aside47 ,with my mouth8 ,of course1 with my mouth4 ,does the young man fancy that ,i propose to drink through my nose1 like an elephant8 7,aloud47 ,oh1 yes1 ,i'll smile with my mouth1 of course4 ,artist4 ,i perceive you do not understand me1 sir4 ,i allude to the expression4 ,mr4 ,b4 ,oh6 ,i'm perfectly familiar with the expression--perfectly familiar with the expression4 ,artist4 ,mr4 ,winglebully1 ,i wish you to assume an agreeable expression of countenance in order that ,i may transfer your beautiful features to my canvas in a manner satisfactory to yourself1 myself1 and mankind generally4 ,mr4 ,b4 ,oh1 ah6 yes1 certainly--exactly--to be sure--bless my soul--yes4 7,mr4 ,b4 grins in an exaggerated manner74 ,artist4 ,ah--yes2 that's it--that's it--just so4 ,a little to the left4 ,i'm afraid--keep your head up--,i cannot give you a very long sitting to-day--,i'm so crowded with sitters4 7,mr4 ,b4 forgets that he is sitting for his portrait and begins to look very melancholy and miserable47 ,i am obliged to--smile1 if you please4 7,mr4 ,b4 starts and resumes his exaggerated grin47 ,i'm obliged to fix certain days and hours to receive my friends and patrons1 otherwise they--will you smile1 if you please8--otherwise they would not leave me a--will you smile1 if you please1 sir8 ,look at me and think of something pleasant4 ,think of a lady 7,mr4 ,b4 looks miserable and frightened74 7,aside--,he doesn't look as if he were thinking of a lady1 does he87 ,think of something pleasant1 now--something pleasing4 ,think of ,hash 7,mr4 ,b4 brightens up74 ,yes1 hash4 ,keep on thinking of hash1 hash1 hash6 ,good gracious6 will you smile1 sir8 ,hash--hash--hash6 ,keep smiling--hash--that's it2 hash6 ,there1 sir1 will you be kind enough to look at that8 ,you are a little rough and raw 7,mr4 ,b4 starts71 but1 of course1 ,i have only rubbed you in4 ,you will come out better at the second painting4 ,mr4 ,b4 7rising and advancing towards the picture74 ,oh1 yes--yes1 very good4 ,the shirt-collar and the cravat are extremely like2 but don't you think you might alter the rest8 ,artist4 ,well--ah--umph6 ,i don't know4 ,i think ,i have hit your eye exactly4 7,mr4 ,b4 starts slightly47 ,the hair is very fair1 and ,i've got hold of your nose very satisfactorily4 7,mr4 ,b4 rubs his nose47 ,the mouth might look all the better1 perhaps1 for a little madder1 but---- ,mr4 ,b4 ,oh1 dear1 no1 it's quite mad enough4 ,i don't wish to have a severe expression of countenance4 ,artist4 ,i refer to the color--the pigment4 ,mr4 ,b4 ,the color the pig meant4 ,the pig--the pig4 ,i meant what ,i said1 sir2 and if you think to call me a pig with impunity you are very much mistaken4 ,artist4 ,oh1 no--no--no1 my dear sir2 you mistake me4 ,we artists use a beautiful pink color called madder1 and ,i spoke of this as a pigment--no offence1 not for the world4 ,but allow me to place the picture in a better light2 you can hardly judge of it in its present position4 7,turns easel and picture round facing the audience47 7,aside47--,now won't he be an unreasonable old polypus to object to that as a likeness8 7,aloud47--,there1 sir1 now you can see it better4 7,they both sit down in chairs1 the artist on his own palette and ,mr4 ,b4 on the slice of bread and butter left by the artist47 ,artist4 ,now1 sir1 ,i think ,i have caught the expression of your eyes and spectacles2 and as for the nose1 it literally speaks1 while the chin and mouth-- ,mr4 ,b4 ,yes--yes1 but ,i don't think you have stuck quite closely enough to nature4 ,there is nothing like sticking to a thing4 7,rises and moves towards picture1 showing slice of bread sticking to his coat-tails4 ,advances and examines picture critically47 ,artist4 ,i declare1 if the idiotic old grampus has not been sitting down on my bread and butter4 ,it is most extraordinary that some people will never look where they sit down4 7,rises to remove bread and butter1 and shows palette sticking to his dressing-gown behind47 ,the carelessness of some people is marvellous--really astonishing4 ,mr4 ,b4 ,the shirt-collar is certainly very like2 but don't you think the complexion is a little high8 because ,i am really rather pale1 you know4 ,artist 7making futile endeavors to remove the bread and butter with one hand74 ,ah1 yes1 perhaps that might be toned down a little4 7,aside47 ,i'll whitewash the old brute if he likes4 7,aloud47 ,if you will be kind enough to take a seat for two minutes ,i will try to avail myself of your valuable suggestion 7looks around for his palette74 ,now1 where on earth can be my palette8 7,looks suspiciously at old ,mr4 ,b47 ,he can't have been sitting down on that too--and yet ,i do believe he's stupid enough for anything4 7,looks for palette again47 ,no4 7,at this moment ,mr4 ,b4 sits down on the chair where ,mr4 ,p4 has concealed his breakfast1 and everything goes with a crash47 ,artist4 ,there goes that old porpoise again6 ,all my breakfast gone--my beautiful tea and my elegant bread and butter4 7,to ,mr4 ,b41 who apologizes47 ,ah1 never mind1 sir--no consequence2 only a few paint saucers1 that's all4 ,no consequence2 take a seat over here4 7,seats old gent in the chair which ,mr4 ,b4 first occupied1 and which artist has since used47 ,but my palette--where can it have gone8 ,where's that d--d palette8 ,let me see2 ,i think ,i laid it on that chair4 ,will you kindly rise for one moment1 ,mr4 ,winglebully8 7,looks at ,mr4 ,b4's back47 ,no6 strange--let me see--oh6 ah6 yes--,i--he sat over there4 7,a thought seems to have struck him4 ,he begins to feel behind his own coat1 where he finds the palette4 ,produces it--his own fingers covered with paint47 ,there it is--,i knew ,i'd put it somewhere4 7,here a knocking is heard at the door4 ,mr4 ,b4 jumps up and grasps the artist by the hand1 getting his own covered with paint in the operation47 ,mr4 ,b4 ,here she is6 ,for heaven's sake1 conceal me6 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,drama ,,of ,,bullywingle4--,see page #ahj4 ,artist4 ,here is who8 ,mr4 ,b4 ,the blue woman4 ,artist4 ,the blue woman8 ,mr4 ,b4 ,yes--they pursue me wherever ,i go4 ,it's a blue woman now4 ,yesterday it was a red woman4 ,oh1 all sorts of women--black women--green women--white women--for pity's sake1 conceal me6 ,they'd make a ,mormon or polygamist of me4 7,wipes his painted fingers over his face47 ,oh1 my dear sir1 you would not have me commit trigamy--you would not--but hide me somewhere--hide me6 ,artist4 ,here--here1 behind the curtain4 ,lady enters4 ,lady4 ,is there a gentleman here8 ,artist4 ,em--ah6 gentleman8 no--no2 that is to say1 not exactly4 ,lady4 ,this is an artist's studio1 is it not8 ,artist4 ,yes1 madam2 this is an artist's studio4 ,lady4 ,there is no other studio in this building8 ,artist4 ,this is the only studio in this building4 ,will you take a seat1 madam8 ,lady4 ,i was to meet an elderly gentleman here--my father--who was going to have his portrait taken4 ,mr4 ,b4 7aside47 ,her father--that's a deep dodge4 ,pretends to be after her father1 the artful thing4 ,artist4 ,yes1 madam4 ,lady4 ,he should have been here some time ago--that is to say1 if ,i have come to the right place4 ,artist4 ,ah1 yes2 this is the right place4 7,aside47 ,hooray6 here's another job4 ,mr4 ,b4 7aside47 ,send her away6 send her away6 ,ah1 you villain1 are you going to betray me8 ,lady4 ,you seem to have a great many pretty pictures here4 ,artist4 ,ah--oh--well1 a few little trifles4 ,are you fond of art8 ,lady4 ,oh1 yes--very4 ,artist4 ,i shall be happy to show you some of my sketches4 ,if you will excuse me for a moment1 ,i will bring them from the other room4 ,lady4 ,certainly1 ,it will give me great pleasure to look at anything in the shape of pictures4 ,i once studied ,poonah ,painting and ,potichomanie myself2 and mamma's uncle1 who was a great artist1 and used to draw things with a red-hot poker1 said he couldn't tell my pictures from life1 almost--only ,i could never learn to do trees4 ,don't you find trees very difficult8 ,mamma's uncle used to say the only fault with my trees was that they looked like cabbages4 ,i can paint cabbages very well2 but then they don't look pretty in a picture1 you know4 ,artist4 ,indeed1 ,i doubt not your delicate hand would lend a charm to any object it might portray4 ,nature is full of beauties1 and there is a world of loveliness even in a cabbage4 ,mr4 ,b4 7aside47 ,in a cabbage-head4 ,artist4 ,but ,i will bring you my portfolio--a few unworthy sketches which may serve to while away the moments till the arrival of your estimable father4 ,exit4 ,mr4 ,b4 7aside47 ,good heaven6 ,he is going to keep me here all day while he makes a fool of himself to that young woman4 ,this will never do6 ,i must escape4 ,i must throw myself on her mercy4 ,she has an awful vicious expression of countenance1 though4 ,however1 she must have the heart of a woman4 ,perhaps she has a brother2 and how would she like to have him married against his will by fifteen women in blue8 ,i will--yes1 ,i will throw myself on her mercy4 ,i will implore her to spare me4 ,poor thing6 ,i shall be sorry to break her heart--but it must be done4----,courage1 ,bullywingle--courage6 7,rushes out and throws himself at her feet47 ,my good young woman1 spare me6 ,think of your own brother1 and spare me6 ,lady screams and rushes off4 ,i cannot marry you all4 ,if ,i did marry you ,i should make the red lady miserable for life1 and the green lady would die of jealousy1 and the yellow lady might commit suicide4 ,enter ,artist1 with portfolio1 which falls on the floor4 ,artist4 ,you venerable reptile1 what are you about6 ,what do you mean1 sir8 ,get up1 sir6 ,i'll knock you down1 sir6 ,you've driven away one of my best customers4 7,they scuffle47 ,mr4 ,b4 ,but my dear sir--my good young friend1 what was ,i to do8 ,hear me--listen--leave go--you'll tear my coat--let go1 or she'll be back1 and then ,i'm lost6 ,do you hear1 you rascal6 ,you'll tear my coat--there go my suspenders--there goes something else6 ,i'll have you arrested for intent to do grievous bodily battery and commit violent matrimony--let go6 ,artist4 ,you old rascal--you old polypus--you old humbug--you are ruining me6 7,rushes to one side and returns with club or stick4 ,a fight ensues4 ,old gent strikes an attitude with umbrella47 ,mr4 ,b4 ,come on1 ,mac what's your name6 and damned be he who first cries hold--enough6 ,artist 7aside74 ,i'll be hanged if the old buffer ain't swearing6 7,aloud47 ,by all the powers ,i'll be revenged6 ,as sure as my name is ,puttyblow ,i will be re-ve-n-ged6 7,is about to rush at old gent47 ,mr4 ,b4 ,pause1 rash man6 ,did you say ,puttyblow8 ,artist4 ,i did4 ,mr4 ,b4 ,have you a strawberry mark on your left arm8 ,artist4 ,nature has ornamented me in the manner you describe4 ,mr4 ,b4 ,are you short-sighted in your left eye8 ,artist4 ,such is my affliction4 ,mr4 ,b4 ,do you snore at nights8 ,artist4 ,so ,i have been informed by the people over the way1 who have sent over several times to expostulate with me in the most offensive terms possible4 ,mr4 ,b4 ,and sleep late in the morning8 ,artist4 ,i do4 ,mr4 ,b4 7rushing forward47 ,my long-lost son6 ,artist4 ,excuse me for one moment4 ,have you a gooseberry bush on your left arm8 ,mr4 ,b4 ,gooseberry8 ,no--no--not specially4 ,artist4 ,do you wear corns or paper collars8 ,mr4 ,b4 ,well1 ,i've had chilblains4 ,artist4 ,are you subject to hydrophobia8 ,mr4 ,b4 ,well1 not precisely2 but ,i've been run over by a ,broadway omnibus4 ,artist4 ,are you in the habit of committing suicide8 ,mr4 ,b4 ,well--,i--,i--don't know--,i travel on the ,hudson ,river ,railroad sometimes4 ,artist4 ,come to my arms1 my long-lost father6 ,they embrace4 ,mr4 ,b4 ,bless you1 my boy--bless you6 bless you6 ,enter ,lady4 ,artist sees her1 and struggles to escape from ,mr4 ,b4's grasp4 ,artist4 ,let go--let me go--drat it all1 let go4 ,mr4 ,b4 ,bless you1 my boy--bless you6 ,lady4 ,i have left my portemonnaie in your studio--will you be kind enough to let me have it8 ,mr4 ,b4 ,young woman1 spare me6 ,lady 7to ,artist74 ,pray protect me from this venerable ruffian4 ,mr4 ,b4 7aside47 ,venerable ruffian6 ,come1 now1 that is what the boys call rather rough4 7,aloud47 ,then you don't love me8 ,lady4 ,if you insult me further1 ,i shall inform my father4 ,mr4 ,b4 ,then you have a father8--wonderful6 ,are you sure of it--no deception8 ,what is his name8 ,where does he live8 ,tell me quick--quick--do not deceive me6 ,lady4 ,my father1 sir1 is ,general ,mac,slasher1 who will not allow his daughter to be insulted with impunity4 ,mr4 ,b4 ,mac,slasher6 ,the brave ,mac,slasher1 who married my half-cousin ,columbia ,ann1 of ,pickleville1 ,indiana8 ,lady4 ,indeed1 it is true4 ,mr4 ,b4 ,come to my arms1 my long-lost niece6 ,no1 not niece2 cousin--second cousin--oh1 hang the relationship6 ,come to my arms1 any way6 ,but hold--you are the richest heiress in ,new ,york4 ,i have the deeds in my pocket to prove it4 ,by the will of your late grandfather ,grampus you are the sole possessor of six blocks on ,broadway1 ,trinity ,church1 ,erie ,railroad1 two steamboats on the ,hudson ,river that won't burst1 and vast territories on ,coney ,island4 ,artist4 ,good gracious6 ,mr4 ,b4 ,happy hour--auspicious moment6 to have thus met my son and niece on the same day4 ,puttyblow1 my son--no longer ,puttyblow1 but ,bullywingle--this is the lady ,i have destined for you for ten long years1 if ,i could only have found you4 ,she is rich and beautiful4 ,i know you love each other2 and if you don't1 make believe you do1 or you'll spoil the play4 ,bullywingle1 junior1 embrace your bride6 ,take her and be happy6 ,bless you1 my children--bless you6 ,grand tableau4 ,mr4 ,puttyblow and ,miss ,mac,slasher embrace4 ,mr4 ,bullywingle opens his umbrella1 and1 standing on one leg1 holds it over them4 ,,chapter ,,xvi4 ,it may be remembered that in a recent chapter we mentioned being in a tranquil mood1 and1 while in that condition1 calling on our friend ,nix1 and further1 that ,nix introduced us that same evening to some ladies with brown eyes4 ,since that event the tranquil moods have come over us periodically1 with rapidly increasing virulence4 ,so much so that latterly we have found it desirable to dispense with the cumbrous ceremony of going round to call for ,nix4 ,the fact is we have taken a great fancy to that boy ,little ,pickle2 he is certainly a very fine boy4 ,it occurs to us at this moment that we have not yet given a name to this family4 ,their real name is one of those which recall old revolutionary times directly it is uttered4 ,one of those names which1 to ourself at least1 at once summons up a picture of marching ranks of men in three-cornered hats and yellow breeches1 toiling forward with glistening muskets over their shoulders1 past rows of quaint gabled houses4 ,we cannot give the real name1 of course--that is out of the question--so we will call them ,adams1 because that is not their name4 ,then we will subdivide them as follows3 ,mrs4 ,adams1 ,bud1 ,blossom1 and ,berry4 ,we christen them thus because these were the titles they received in a little floral and pomological game we once played4 ,the ,adams family were going to give a party4 ,we were called in as consulting engineer1 to suggest attractions4 ,we readily accepted the office4 ,the reader knows our system and will easily guess our first order4 ,objects to provoke conversation6 ,pig made out of lemon4 ,good6 ,the pig was made and applauded4 ,but1 suggested ,bud1 why confine ourselves to a pig2 surely we can make something else4 ,surely1 we assented4 ,so all of us set our wits to work at zoology4 ,bud made the first discovery4 ,oh6 she exclaimed1 ,i have found out something beautiful--a whole litter of little pigs to go with the lemon6 ,and1 indeed1 'twas true4 ,in a few seconds she had some almonds soaking in a cup of boiling water4 ,in a few seconds more she was peeling off their brown jackets1 revealing the smooth white nut1 as white as the tips of her own taper fingers4 ,the almonds were soon converted into sucking-pigs1 and were admitted on all hands to look quite cunning1 and as natural as nature1 with their little white bodies grouped round the maternal lemon--some running1 some standing1 and some seated on their haunches4 ,illustration ,we need not explain to the gifted reader the modus operandi4 ,it is much the same as with the lemon1 only the eyes are dotted with a black lead pencil and the ears are made from small slips of wood4 ,illustration ,stimulated by the success of ,bud1 ,blossom dived down into the depths of her imagination1 and fished out a goat4 ,the goat was unquestionably a triumph4 ,the body consisted of a pear1 the head of an unbleached almond1 the legs1 horns1 and beard of raisin stalks4 ,illustration ,on the same principle1 and with wonderful celerity1 ,berry took up the idea1 gracefully acknowledged her indebtedness to the original inventor1 and produced a deer--a deer with wide-spreading antlers made of raisin stalks1 and legs of the same material1 which counterfeited nature even to the knee-joints4 ,the neck cost some little mental exertion1 but was finally triumphed over in the following shape1 neatly cut out of wood4 ,the deer now appeared truly a monarch of the forest2 a little weak in the shoulders perhaps1 and rather full-chested behind1 but still a noble animal4 ,illustration ,not to be outdone with her own idea1 ,blossom wrestled vigorously with her subject1 and ere we had ceased admiring the deer1 had very nearly completed a sheep--a sheep so fleecy and short in the legs that it was at once voted the greatest triumph of all1 though ,,we personally and privately thought1 and still think1 that1 for true genius1 ,bud's idea of the pigs far exceeded any of them4 ,the white almond certainly made a most admirable sheep's head1 but then apple1 of which the body was made1 grew rapidly rusty when once peeled--so much so that we had to scrape our sheep once or twice in the course of the evening to restore its fleeciness4 ,illustration ,illustration ,having made large herds of deer1 flocks of goats and sheep1 not to mention litters of pigs1 we disposed some of them on the mantel-piece and what-nots1 while others were reserved to make a grand pastoral scene on the supper table4 ,having finished these1 we devoted our energies to constructing scent-bags and mice1 the latter made out of apple-seeds1 as described in a previous chapter4 ,here the transcendent genius of ,bud again asserted itself--she invented a rat2 a rat made out of an unbleached almond4 ,when grouped with the mice and flour-sacks the effect was truly grand4 ,what now8 ,what shall we make next8 was the general inquiry4 ,oh1 can't you make something that will jump up8 eagerly suggested ,little ,pickle1 who had kept pretty quiet during our zoological researches4 ,can't you make something that will jump up8 ,this was so vague that we were fain to demand further light4 ,oh1 you know at our school one of the boys made a kind of thing with a bit of wax that jumped up and frightened you4 ,this was still far from clear1 but whatever it might be1 it was evidently calculated to frighten somebody1 and so was immediately voted down by the ladies4 ,oh1 make that gorilla portrait1 you know1 again entreated ,little ,pickle2 that makes such fun4 ,this proposition1 though received coolly1 was1 nevertheless1 discussed at some length1 till ,blossom called her sister's attention to the fact that one of their invited guests would be a certain ,dr4 ,o',tang1 who really did resemble a gorilla1 and should the glass fall into his hands1 he would feel hurt at the joke2 so ,little ,pickle's second proposition was voted down4 ,we now felt a heavy weight of responsibility hanging on our shoulders4 ,six brown eyes were resting upon us1 each as deep and brown as a mountain pool4 ,can we not do something with paper8 suggested ,bud1 her exquisite genius again coming to our aid4 ,this suggestion gave us the cue4 ,i have it1 we exclaimed2 ,i will teach you to make stained glass4 ,to be sure1 it is only a variation of your own beautiful art of making transparencies2 still1 if you have never heard of the process1 it may afford some amusement1 and help you to decorate your rooms4 ,one apartment in the house of ,adams was of the kind known as extension room4 ,the two windows which separated this apartment from the back parlor served admirably to exhibit the new art4 ,the object of the process is to produce an effect somewhat similar to the heraldic painting on the casements of old ,european houses1 and is done thus3 ,you procure several sheets of tissue paper of various colors1 a pair of scissors1 and some fine boiled paste4 ,you fold a sheet of the paper twice1 then cut out of the folded paper a form--say1 for example1 like the one on the left3 so that when the sheet is open there will be two pieces like the one on the right4 ,illustration ,paste one of these in the centre of the window-pane you wish to decorate1 then paste the other over it1 only lapping over a little on one side and below1 as represented in this diagram4 ,when this is dry it will have a very pretty effect4 ,of course you can cut the papers in any form you choose and have them in different colors--red over green1 or yellow over blue4 ,you may also stitch one pattern of a smaller size right in the centre of another1 or paste three or four different patterns one above the other1 as illustrated by our subjoined cuts4 ,illustration ,having delivered our short lecture 7illustrated with examples7 to the six brown eyes1 and also to the six white ears--like quaint sea-shells from the shores of ,elysium--we all proceeded to operate on the windows before mentioned1 and we are glad to say with the most pleasing results4 ,illustration ,our scissorings with the colored paper brought to light an accomplishment of ,little ,pickle1 which set us all to work anew with scissors and pen and ink for some time4 ,master ,adams's system was this3 he took a small piece of writing paper1 and dropping a minute quantity of ink in the centre1 then folded it right across the blot and rubbed it over with his finger4 ,when the paper was opened it displayed some curious form or another4 ,this1 with a few touches of the pen1 we generally made to resemble some object in nature4 ,bud made an excellent stag's head on one occasion1 which we subjoin4 ,illustration ,but ,little ,pickle's course of instruction did not stop with blots4 ,he folded bits of paper and cut them into grotesque patterns1 and set us all to filling them up with pictures4 ,the great art consisted in making your design conform to the outline of the paper4 ,one of these1 which we happened to have brought away by accident1 we have here engraved4 ,it was drawn by ,bud1 and is really very clever4 ,that was a very delightful evening we passed with the ,adams's4 ,little ,pickle is a very fine boy2 guess we will call for him on our road up in the afternoon--to go skating4 ,illustration ,that night1 when we reached home1 we found ,nix had called and left us a very curious work--,the ,veda1 or the ,sacred ,writings of the ,hindoos4 ,we slept sweetly1 and dreamed we were reclining on the banks of the ,ganges conversing pleasantly with ,brahma4 ,singular dream1 was it not8 ,,chapter ,,xvii4 ,blue and white ,christmas1 with his henchman1 ,santa ,claus1 having come and gone1 leaving behind him1 however1 for a while1 his raiment of white and blue1 with a host of dear memories for our hearts' nourishment through the next twelvemonth's stage in this journey of life1 we think we cannot better show our appreciation of his goodness than by painting a portrait of that small fraction of the universal jollity which fell to our individual lot4 ,we have some friends who live in the country1 a long way from sidewalks and gas and railroads1 or at least far enough off to debar the dear souls from many tastes of city pleasures4 ,so1 as these friends cannot well go to town for amusement1 and as they have a large love of fun and several small children1 they try to bring amusements home on all festive occasions4 ,to this house1 with a small party of mutual acquaintances1 we went our way on the twenty-fifth of ,december last4 ,before starting there were great business operations to be performed1 and such a time as we had of it6 ,one item was easily managed1 and caused no mental anxiety4 ,we went en masse to ,ridley's1 and1 after waiting in a crowd of crinoline for some time1 came away each with his dexter coat-pocket swelled out with a pound package of mixed candies4 ,that1 of course1 was simple enough2 but when it came to buying something else--something of a more durable nature--then our ingenuity was1 indeed1 put to the test4 ,it will be seen that our task was no ordinary one4 ,there were three of us1 and we each wished1 according to our annual custom1 to present each member of the family with some appropriate gift2 and as there were five in the family1 namely--papa1 mamma1 daughter aged eleven1 son aged four1 and another daughter aged two1 and assuming that we each only gave one object to each of the individuals in the country house1 it would make--three fives are fifteen--fifteen different objects to be purchased1 every one of which ought to differ from the other1 besides being unlike anything they would be already likely to possess4 ,when we came to compare notes1 we found that we had1 to a man1 privately and separately resolved to present papa with a meerschaum pipe2 two out of the three had thoughts of giving mamma a dressing-case2 while the unanimity on the subject of work-boxes1 dolls1 and jumping-jacks was really marvellous4 ,but we must not linger around fancy-stores1 and over candy counters1 and in city streets4 ,we have a long evening before us away off in the country1 over miles of snowy roads4 ,it is enough that1 by the aid of a steaming locomotive1 which whizzed and buzzed and thundered us through the lonely snow-clad cuttings1 as though it were saying3 ,come along6 come along6 come along6 ,hurry up6 ,pish6 phew6 ,here's another stoppage6 ,clear the track6 ,don't keep us waiting6 stopping only now and then1 stock still1 to brighten up the mean way-station into a glow of mysterious grandeur1 with fitful flashes of light1 as though it were some monster fire-fly of the season4 ,by means of this lusty bug at first1 and afterwards by a rickety1 ramshackle1 old shandradan of a hack1 tortured along by two horses1 one of which was balky1 we reached the house of our entertainers1 where the light streamed out through the red curtains to meet us1 and glorified the snow in our path long before we pulled up at the hospitable door4 ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,merryweather both greeted us heartily before we had kicked the snow from our boots2 while the former1 with a celerity equally creditable to his head and legs1 dashed into the kitchen1 and reappeared with three smoking glasses of hot brandy-punch4 ,here1 boys1 he cried1 take this4 ,it will keep the cold out4 ,come1 ,i insist upon it4 ,mr4 ,greeley and other good people tell us that it is all wrong to drink spirituous liquors1 and we are not quite clear ourself as to the propriety of the practice4 ,but there was something genial in the thoughtful attention of our friend ,merryweather1 and something else grateful in the aroma of the brandy-punch1 that certainly made us all feel more truly welcome and happy than had we been politely shown up-stairs to wash our hands in a cold bedroom1 with the prospect of two doughnuts and a cup of weak tea to follow4 ,aunty ,delluvian was of the party1 being a very old friend of the family4 ,with regard to the company generally1 it may be defined as mixed4 ,some of the children1 whose parents were neighbors1 betrayed their status by the excess of starch and bright colors which characterized their dresses2 while others from the city displayed all the ostentatious simplicity of cultivated taste4 ,mr4 ,merryweather opened the entertainment with an exceedingly well intentioned1 though rather transparent1 display of prestidigitation 7if that is the way to spell the abominable word72 but as most of his tricks depended upon the use of a new and complete set of conjuring apparatus he had purchased for the occasion1 we will not linger over his magic rings and dice and cups4 ,two items1 however1 in his performance being attainable by very simple means1 we will describe4 ,at one stage in the entertainment it seemed absolutely necessary that he should have the aid of a small boy1 in order to make six copper cents pass from under a hat to the top of a bird-cage4 ,making known his want1 a red-faced youth with black curly hair volunteered his services4 ,the juvenile1 be it observed1 had rendered himself somewhat conspicuous by declaring at the end of every trick that he knew how it was done1 and by inquisitively desiring to inspect the interior of goblets and the bottoms of boxes4 ,merryweather's eyes twinkled as this gentleman tendered his assistance4 ,here1 he said1 producing a small trumpet1 this is my magic horn4 ,take it in your right hand1 till ,i say3 ',heigh6 presto6 pass6' ,then1 if your lungs are strong enough1 and you blow with sufficient force1 those six cents will pass from under the hat to the top of that cage yonder4 ,the youth took his stand firmly1 looked knowingly1 and placed the trumpet to his lips confidently4 ,are you ready8 asked ,mr4 ,merryweather4 ,then1 heigh6 presto6 pass6 ,in an instant the face of the bold volunteer1 black hair1 red cheeks1 and all1 were white as the driven snow2 and comic enough he looked1 as he gaped round with a chap-fallen expression1 puzzled beyond measure to know into what condition he had blown himself4 ,he had1 in truth1 blown himself all over flour1 the trumpet being constructed for that special purpose4 ,illustration ,illustration ,this instrument is very simple4 ,you first procure a tube of tin1 or wood1 or card-board1 of about two inches in diameter4 ,a box of the desired shape can be found in the store of almost any druggist1 or in default of that1 a wide-mouthed vial can be made to answer4 ,the next thing required is a thin tube1 for which a piece of elder or a stick of maccaroni will answer4 ,these1 with a large cork or bung1 are all the materials that are required4 ,having cut a slice off the cork of about half an inch in thickness1 you fit it tightly into the centre of the large tube2 then cut another slice of the cork to fit into one end of the tube2 but1 before fixing it1 cut some notches round the edge1 and make a hole in the centre large enough to hold firmly the smaller tube4 ,now fix the smaller tube in the second cork1 so that it will extend about two-thirds of the way down one of the compartments in the larger tube2 fix the second cork 7the one with the notches in it7 in the mouth of the large tube1 and the trumpet is made4 ,by referring to the diagram1 you will probably get a better idea of the construction of this weapon than from our description4 ,when you wish to use the instrument1 pour flour through the notches you have cut in the cork1 and it is ready4 ,any one blowing sharply through the small tube will1 of course1 blow all the flour in his own face4 ,the second item in ,mr4 ,merryweather's entertainment we propose to describe is still more simple4 ,one of his feats consisted in burning a hole in a pocket-handkerchief4 ,to do this he required fire1 so he ordered his assistant to bring in a candle1 which was accordingly done1 the candle being already lighted4 ,as soon as ,mr4 ,merryweather cast his eyes upon the luminary1 he feigned to fly into a terrible passion1 roundly rating the unfortunate attendant for presenting him with such a miserable fag-end of an old kitchen dip4 ,then taking the candle from the candlestick1 he held the wretched stump up to the audience1 and appealed to them whether it was not disgraceful that he1 the great ,wizard of the ,western ,world1 should be presented with such a paltry luminary4 ,why1 he exclaimed1 ,i could eat a dozen such for lunch6 ,and1 suiting the action to the word1 blew out the light1 and popped the offending morsel in his mouth1 and quietly munched it up4 ,a subdued cry of horror echoed through the apartments1 above which was heard the exclamation of ,aunty ,delluvian3 ,if the man isn't crunching his candle6 ,illustration ,to those not familiar with it1 this trick is certainly startling4 ,the truth is that the candle in question is made out of a piece of apple1 with a small peg cut from a nut or almond for a wick4 ,the almond wick will light readily1 and burn brightly for some time1 so that the deception is perfect4 ,these diagrams will show the form in which to cut the candle and the wick1 ,no4 #a representing the candle in its completed state1 and ,no4 #b the wick before it is inserted4 ,the great wizard having completed his performances and retired into private life1 even to the extent of handing cake round to the ladies and drinking a glass of wine himself1 he mingled freely with the throng1 but did not1 however1 unbend immediately1 but smiled condescendingly when the ladies expressed admiration and surprise at the supernatural powers he had just displayed4 ,aunty ,delluvian continued to evince considerable disgust at our friend for eating the tallow candle1 a feeling which found vent in utterance of the monosyllables3 ,finn6 ,the ,finn6 ,the ,finn6 ,this good ,aunty favored us with a narrative concerning an uncle of hers1 who was a sea-captain1 and once made a voyage to ,moscow6 ,it was a peculiarity1 be it observed1 of ,aunty ,delluvian1 that she appeared to have uncles ready at hand for all emergencies4 ,she told us that this uncle1 when at the ,sclavonic capital1 invited some ,russian officers on board his ship to dine4 ,the dinner was of the most sumptuous description1 but the ,muscovites seemed to take but little interest in the repast1 until something on deck happened to call the host up-stairs2 on his return he found all the guests looking more cheerful4 ,they chatted pleasantly until the party broke up2 and then1 and not till then1 he discovered that his friends1 during his absence1 had drunk all the oil out of the lamps1 eaten six boxes of candles stowed away under the table1 and had even devoured the shaving-soap off his dressing-table4 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,headless ,,body4--,see page #bji4 ,we had a faint recollection of having heard this story before1 and quite pleased ,aunty ,delluvian by telling her so2 she considered it quite a tribute to her uncle's popularity4 ,the second feature of the evening's programme was of a less cheerful character than the first1 consisting of the display of a no more pleasing object than a bodyless head4 ,our illustration on next page will at once place the scene before our readers1 bereft1 however1 of some of the grim features of the real spectacle2 for1 as we beheld it1 there was the real flesh tint1 and the eyes rolled fearfully4 ,startling and complete as is the illusion in this case1 it is very simply managed4 ,get some person with a high forehead and tolerably long hair1 and paint under the eyes a pair of eyebrows1 and on the forehead a nose and pair of moustaches1 as represented in the annexed cut4 ,then make the person lie down on his back under a table1 in such a way that you can arrange a curtain so as to conceal all the body and half the face4 ,brush the hair out to resemble a beard1 and you have a perfect representation of a bodyless head4 ,illustration ,for painting the moustaches and eyebrows1 ,indian-ink or burnt cork will answer4 ,there is one advantage which the spectacle can boast of3 it affords the ladies an opportunity for giving those sweet little musical shrieks which are so charming1 and of being frightened generally--some ladies look very bewitching when they are frightened--besides giving ladies an excuse for clinging to gentlemen's arms1 which is very pleasant for the gentlemen4 ,mr4 ,merryweather now introduced to our notice a young gentleman who was detailed to amuse us with some specimens of ventriloquism4 ,we had no notion before this time1 when our attention was particularly drawn to the subject1 how much suitable action has to do with ventriloquial illusions4 ,as performed before us by the young gentleman in question1 whose name was ,noddles1 the deception was capital2 but when the sounds were reproduced in a private room1 without action1 for our special instruction1 we marvelled that any one could have been deluded by them4 ,first of all1 ,mr4 ,noddles imitated the drawing of a cork4 ,to give effect to this1 he turned his back to the audience1 and feigned to have a bottle between his knees4 ,the method of doing this is so simple that we think we can almost describe it in words4 ,first you make three or four chirps in succession1 such as people are in the habit of making to birds2 this sounds like driving in the corkscrew4 ,then you place your fore-finger in your mouth1 and force it out so as to make a loud pop1 which signifies that the cork is drawn4 ,then you smack your lips together1 producing a sound something like ,pop--pop--pop--pop--pop--pop rapidly1 to imitate the wine bubbling from the bottle4 ,voil tout6 ,after that1 ,mr4 ,noddles pretended to call to a mason up the chimney1 the mason answering in a husky voice from above1 and finally proceeding with his work of knocking out a brick4 ,the knocking was produced much in the same way as the pouring out the wine1 by parting the lips suddenly2 only1 in the case of the brick1 the note was in a deeper key1 more resembling ,bubp--bubp--bubp--bubp4 ,we noticed particularly that when the performer addressed the person up the chimney1 he spoke with especial clearness1 delivering the words1 as much as possible1 from the lips4 ,this was in order to produce a strong contrast to the tones of the man up the chimney1 which were produced far down in his own throat4 ,another of his performances was to pretend that a dog was under the lounge1 which refused to come out1 and finally bit him when he tried to drag it out by the leg4 ,still another consisted in imitating a man outside the door trying to force it open4 ,sometimes the supposed man would succeed in forcing the door a short way1 when a gush of his loud voice would rush in1 to be immediately cut short by the sudden closing of the door4 ,illustration ,mr4 ,noddles concluded his part of the entertainment by the performance of the jumping rabbit--the rabbit on this occasion being made out of a lady's fur cuff tied up with a piece of string4 ,this crude counterfeit of bunny he laid on the palm of his left hand1 with one end resting against his fingers1 as represented in the cut1 while with the other hand he stroked and caressed it1 saying at the same time1 ,be still1 bunny--don't run away2 if you run away the dogs will catch you1 and you will be made into chicken-pie1 and your skin will be made into a fur cap and sold in the ,bowery to--hallo6 hold on6 hi6 the latter exclamations being elicited by the rabbit jumping up his arm1 while he struggled to capture it and bring it back with his right hand4 ,the first jump made by the rabbit was produced by a sharp jerk of the fingers1 which sometimes sends him flying into the middle of the room with a most lifelike effect4 ,but now a more imposing portion of the programme claims our attention4 ,a subdued jingling of bells is heard at the door1 a few spasmodic bumps1 and in trots the patron saint of the day--good ,santa ,claus1 sleigh1 reindeer1 red cap1 and all4 7,see next page47 ,it may not have been polite1 but we could not help it1 and greeted the good saint with an unrestrained roar of laughter4 ,surely never before was seen out of ,noah's ,ark such a comical steed1 such legs1 such proportions1 and such a dislocated style of locomotion4 ,no matter1 he amused us more than a whole troop of the veritable article from ,spitzbergen2 and1 as a simple act of justice between man and beast1 we must admit that he propelled ,santa ,claus and his turn-out in a most efficient1 not to say intelligent1 style around the room4 ,this was the ,merryweather substitute for a ,christmas-tree4 ,santa ,claus came to distribute the ,christmas-gifts--a task he performed with a discretion beyond his years4 ,it is pleasing to record that no one1 not even the dullest in the company1 recognised ,master ,georgy in his disguise2 but one and all1 with admirable tact1 feigned to be completely taken in1 and fully believed that they were receiving a visit from the good saint himself4 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,arrival ,,of ,,santa ,,claus4--,see page #bad4 ,illustration ,illustration ,illustration ,after the vulgaris pueris1 the elephant1 and other specimens of zoology1 it is almost needless to explain how the reindeer was constructed4 ,our illustration seems almost superfluous2 still1 something may be made a little clearer by them2 and to them we refer the reader who wishes to learn how to build a reindeer4 ,in the case before us1 the hide of the deer was made out of a pair of army blankets1 purchased by ,merryweather for five dollars in ,chambers street--about the best material that could possibly be selected for the purpose4 ,these he cut out and fitted himself1 and had them sewed on his wife's sewing-machine4 ,the head and horns were made of thick brown paper1 and here is the most difficult part of the animal to describe--not the most difficult to make1 bear in mind4 ,we hate long explanations1 and yet we feel puzzled now1 as we have often been before1 to tell you how to make this reindeer mask4 ,however1 here goes3 ,you require two or three sheets of thick brown paper1 a bowl of paste 7flour and water boiled71 and a block of wood1 from the wood-pile1 of about six or seven inches in diameter4 7,see annexed cut47 ,you moisten one sheet of the paper slightly1 and then mould it over the block2 having done this1 you smear the entire surface with paste1 and mould another sheet of paper over that2 then you smear the second sheet over with paste1 and mould a third sheet over all2 then let them stand till dry4 ,this1 when dry1 can be removed from the block1 and will give you a hollow cone on which you can paint the eyes and mouth of the deer1 and to which you can likewise paste the horns1 as indicated in this diagram4 ,it may strike you that the diagram looks more like a bottle-nosed shark than the face of any denizen of the forest4 ,you must not1 however1 be discouraged on this account2 it will look all right when you get it in its proper place4 ,need we add1 that after this we had supper2 when good-humor culminated in the grand old song of ,auld ,lang ,syne1 all singing and joining hands round the table1 down even to the little two and a half year old ,dolly1 whose auld lang syne dated no further back than two strawberry seasons4 ,the idea of taking a richt gude wully wut with such a wee mite of a thing was so very comic that we all laughed right merrily1 while ,mrs4 ,merryweather1 with tears in her eyes1 clasped the child to her bosom as though she would protect it from some impending danger1 possibly the approach of the monster richt gude wully wut4 ,the ladies and children retired4 ,and we gentlemen soothed our excited nerves with a quiet cigar in ,mr4 ,merryweather's library4 ,,chapter ,,xviii4 ,we shall now amuse the fireside with a little song1 or rather we will try to tell our friends how to gladden their own chimney-corners with the songs of birds through the long winter evenings4 ,it will be pleasant when the wind is howling without among the snow-laden limbs of the trees1 to be reminded of the gay summer by the counterfeit notes of the woodland songsters4 ,still1 we must warn our readers1 that to acquire the art thoroughly needs patience and perseverance2 we can but tell them how to make and use the instrument1 and the rest they must learn for themselves4 ,first look at the annexed diagram1 and then procure a leek and cut off from the green leaf thereof a piece about the size of the diagram2 then lay it on a smooth table1 and with the thumb-nail delicately scrape away a semicircular patch of the green pulpy substance of the leaf 7as represented in the diagram71 being careful to leave the fine membrane or outer skin of the leaf uninjured--and there is the instrument complete4 ,it may require several experiments to make the first one1 but once having discovered the right way1 they are very easily manufactured4 ,the reader may not be aware of the fact that the leaf of the leek has a fine transparent outer skin which is quite tough1 but by breaking and carefully examining one or two leaves1 he will soon find out to what we allude4 ,illustration ,the way of using this instrument is to place it in the roof of the mouth with the side on which is the membrane downwards2 then press it gently in its place with the tongue1 and blow between the tongue and the upper teeth4 ,after the first two or three attempts1 you will be able to produce a slight sound like a mild grunt2 then as you practise it you will find that you can prolong and vary the sound somewhat1 so that in the course of a couple of days you can imitate the barking of a dog and the neighing of a horse4 ,with two or three weeks' practice1 you will be able to imitate some of the song-birds2 but to produce exact counterfeits of the best singing-birds will probably require months of study2 the result1 however1 will reward you for all your pains2 for certainly to be able to carry a mocking-bird1 canary1 thrush1 cat-bird1 and sucking-pig in your vest-pocket is no small accomplishment4 ,when not using the instrument1 it should be kept in a glass of water to prevent its drying4 ,,chapter ,,xix4 ,those tranquil moods of which we have twice spoken come over us with still increasing frequency4 ,little ,pickle is certainly a very smart boy4 ,we are giving him lessons in drawing2 he comes on rapidly1 but requires a great deal of attention4 ,our time passes peaceably enough in study and contemplation4 ,nix has procured us some more works of ,brahminical lore4 ,it is a curious religion1 that of the ,hindoos1 resembling in many points ,christianity4 ,nix declares1 in his good-natured way1 that we are more than half converted already1 and threatens to send a missionary to reason us back from heathenism1 as we need a minister badly4 ,he is an exceedingly good-natured fellow is ,nix1 though a little broad1 perhaps1 at times1 in his style of jocularity4 ,our readers are probably not aware that there is a certain form of vulgar humor known as a sell1 which consists in inducing some person to ask you a question1 and then giving some idiotic answer in reply4 ,the other day ,nix overtook us in ,broadway4 ,after talking a few minutes he exclaimed3 ,oh1 by the way1 ,i have a note for you1 at the same time feeling vigorously in his pockets4 ,when did you get it8 ,who is it from8 we inquired1 with some earnestness1 for we were expecting a letter from some one4 ,don't know--don't know1 he replied1 continuing to fumble in his pockets4 ,ah1 here it is4 ,at the same time grasping one hand1 he placed in it an oat--one seed of the grain upon which horses and ,scotchmen are fed4 ,nix laughed boisterously1 and told us we were sold4 ,we don't see very much fun in it4 ,we have spent another pleasant evening at the ,adams'4 ,we mentioned in a recent chapter making some preparations for a little party they were about to give4 ,well1 it went off very pleasantly indeed2 there were no hitches and no awful pauses4 ,indeed1 our own pleasure would have been unalloyed had it not been for the presence of one officious person with large whiskers1 who 7there are always one or more such persons in every assembly7 obtruded his attentions too much on the ladies2 we observed that ,bud1 amongst others1 was quite embarrassed by them4 ,she was too well bred1 however1 to allow him to perceive her vexations1 though ,i must say ,i think there is is such a thing as carrying complaisance and self-abnegation too far4 ,the scientific gentleman with gold spectacles was there1 and had an electrical novelty for us which attracted much attention4 ,at first we supposed the gentleman named was giving ,little ,pickle lessons in skating1 for he was directing that youth's movements as he shuffled up and down the hearth-rug in his slippered feet4 ,rather jealous for the credit of our pupil1 we informed the spectacles that there was nothing in the way of skating he could teach ,master ,pickle1 he being already a proficient in that art4 ,to which he only replied3 ,put your knuckle to his nose4 ,rather staggered by this request1 which savored somewhat of the ruder style of badinage1 and the very last thing we expected from the decorous gentleman of science1 we replied1 with just a shade of hauteur3 ,sir8 ,put your knuckle to his nose4 ,really1 ,i do not comprehend you4 ,put your finger to his nose and you will get a shock4 ,all this time ,little ,pickle was sliding and slithering up and down the rug in a manner highly calculated to wear out that costly piece of furniture4 ,you perceive1 continued spectacles1 in an explanatory way1 that he has slippers on his feet4 ,by keeping his feet in close contact with the rug1 and rubbing them violently up and down1 he generates electricity in his body to such an extent that he can transmit quite a sensible shock to another person4#b ,now try6 #b ,the spark emitted is sufficiently powerful to light a jet of gas4 ,we tried4 ,tick6 ,a most unmistakable spark passed from the nose of ,l4 ,p4 to our knuckle4 ,the guests now began to crowd round1 applying their knuckles to the poor boy's nose to that extent that it grew quite red1 which1 combined with a trifling unsteadiness his legs acquired from the unusual exertion1 gave the dear boy quite a groggy appearance4 ,indeed1 we observed his mother soon after draw him towards her and1 stooping down1 whisper something in his ear1 at which he colored up1 shook his head1 and replied quickly1 ,no1 only lemonade4 ,the scientific person1 who was really a very amiable gentleman after all1 taught us during the evening to make quite a curious little toy--to wit1 a miniature camera4 ,having enlisted the services of ,little ,pickle1 he procured a small pill-box1 a minute fragment about half an inch square of broken looking-glass1 and a fragment of beeswax4 ,he first bored a small hole in the centre of the lid of the pill-box and another in the side2 he then1 with the aid of the beeswax1 stuck the piece of the mirror across the bottom of the box at an angle of forty-five degrees to the axis of the disc of the box1 so that by looking through one hole he could see objects through the other hole1 thus enabling a person to look behind him4 ,we feel that this description is not very clear1 and yet for the life of us we do not know how to make it clearer4 ,the best plan for the reader will be to look well at the diagrams showing the inside and outside of the camera1 get the wax1 glass1 and pill-box1 and then potter about with them till he gets it right4 ,illustration ,camera led the conversation in our corner of the room to the subject of optical illusions1 when some one of course suggested the hat experiment4 ,there is probably nothing the proportions of which are so deceptive as a hat4 ,reader1 if you have never tried the experiment1 take a stick and point out on the wall how high you think a hat would reach from the floor if placed on its crown1 as represented in our sketch4 ,illustration ,aunty ,delluvian1 the first to try1 took the stick and boldly measured off a distance of between two and three feet1 and utterly laughed to scorn the moderate persons who satisfied themselves with ten inches4 ,after each of the measurements was marked with a pencil1 and the hat itself put beside them1 showing every one to be wrong1 ,aunty's amazement knew no bounds4 ,indeed1 she would not be satisfied till we brought our own hat to convince her that some deception had not been practised4 ,this was ,aunty ,delluvian's first visit to the ,adams'1 having only recently been introduced through the agency of ,nix4 ,i was1 therefore1 not unprepared for some criticism on our friends2 but when the good lady1 towards the close of the evening1 took us to one side and said confidentially and emphatically1 nodding her head at the same time knowingly1 ,no flippery1 flummery4 ,i like her6 we were a little surprised1 the statement was so emphatic and yet so vague4 ,that was all she said1 walking away briskly when she had so delivered herself1 as though she had rendered a final verdict4 ,to which of the family did she refer8 ,to ,mrs4 ,adams1 we presume1 and yet she might have said something about the other members of the family4 ,she is a queer creature is ,aunty ,delluvian4 ,we are disposed to think that the ,,art of entertaining is rarely if ever regarded as an ,,art1 and certainly never treated as such4 ,we1 however1 on this occasion1 laid our plans and arranged our forces with as much care and skill as a general exercises in laying out a campaign4 ,we have as profound a respect for a good commissary as ever did ,napoleon ,bonaparte4 ,we had our reserve1 too1 and our signal corps1 so that should the battle waver at any moment1 it might be immediately set going again4 ,amongst other resources1 we had a number of surprise pictures concealed in a certain place1 which were to be produced when occasion might require4 ,one of these will be found on opposite page1 and comprises fifteen faces in one4 ,pictures of this kind always amuse1 and are fine provocatives of conversation4 ,illustration3 ,,fifteen ,,faces ,,in ,,one4--,see page #bbi4 ,reader1 when you give a party1 do not bring your entire force into action at first2 always have a reserve to fall back upon4 ,we saw a whole group which was showing alarming symptoms of demoralization rallied with a pocket-handkerchief4 ,nix saw the emergency1 drew his handkerchief1 tied one end round the tip of his finger1 on which1 with a few dots of the pen1 he had indicated a comic face1 and threw himself into the dispirited crew1 exclaiming3 ,this is ,rantepolefungus1 the mysterious magician of ,morocco4 ,then1 in a feigned voice3 ,illustration ,illustration ,how do1 pretty ladee and gentlemen8 ,me tell fortune1 work spell1 makee incantation4 ,me tell you fortune1 pretty missee2 you be1 by-a-by1 sixt wife great street contractor2 favorite wife1 he givee dust-cart full of greeny-back2 much lovee you2 cut off head of all other wife1 makee you much happy2 he givee you large gold ring big's flour-barrel to wear in your nosee1 and six whiskey cocktails every morning4 ,pretty ladee1 give great magician buckshees1 and a whole string of other nonsense1 the little ,moor moving his head and hands all the time1 suiting the action to the words4 ,the sketches opposite will show how the ,moor is made4 ,as we walked home with ,nix1 smoking our cigars1 we agreed that the party had been managed with consummate generalship4 ,as we parted1 he asked us if we should like to have a small statue of ,vishnu8 ,wonder what he meant4 ,,chapter ,,xx4 ,those red and green lights which lend such a glory to the final tableaux of fairy pieces on the public stage1 can easily be introduced into private parlor performances4 ,there is no danger in using them2 they are quite inexpensive1 and very easily managed4 ,warning1 however1 should be given to all asthmatic persons to vacate the ranch before firing off1 as their fumes are apt to produce unpleasant results4 ,when we first performed the play of ,bullywingle the ,beloved1 the red light was calculated on as a startling feature of the performance4 ,at the proper moment the match was applied1 the combustibles behaved handsomely1 everybody was entranced1 all save one unfortunate gentleman1 subject to asthma1 who created quite a sensation by rushing out of the house in a choking condition1 and remaining speechless in the snow for over twenty minutes4 ,the mode of working these lights is to place one of the powders1 for which we shall presently give you prescriptions1 in an iron shovel1 and apply a lighted match4 ,the powder will begin to burn slowly1 emitting a bright red or green light1 accompanied by volumes of smoke4 ,before exhibiting these lights1 all others in the room1 gas or lamps1 should be turned down as low as possible4 ,if the operator stands behind the scenes1 so as to be out of sight during the performance1 the effect is what ,artemus ,ward would call ,trooly ,grand4 ,in order to procure the lights1 go to some druggist and give him the following prescriptions4 ,he will procure the necessary materials and mix them for you4 ,,red ,,fire4 ,forty parts of dry nitrate of strontian1 thirteen parts of finely powdered sulphur1 five parts of chlorate of potash1 and four parts of sulphuret of antimony4 ,the chlorate of potash and sulphuret of antimony should be powdered separately in a mortar1 and then mixed together on paper2 after which they may be added to the other ingredients1 previously powdered and mixed4 ,,green ,,fire4 ,green fire1 when burned in a reflector1 sheds a beautiful light on all surrounding objects4 ,take of flour of sulphur thirteen parts1 of nitrate of baryta seventy-seven1 of oxymuriate of potassa five1 of metallic arsenic two1 of charcoal three4 ,the nitrate of baryta should be well dried and powdered2 it should then be mixed with the other ingredients1 all finely pulverized1 and the whole triturated until perfectly blended together4 ,a little calamine may be occasionally added1 in order to make the compound slower of combustion2 and it is above all things requisite that the rubbing together of the materials should be continued until they are completely mixed4 ,it may so happen that in some of your parlor theatricals you may wish to introduce a storm1 so we will tell you how to manage it4 ,there are several elements in a storm which can be counterfeited4 ,thunder4 ,snow4 ,the sound of rain or hail4 ,lightning4 ,wind4 ,the noise of thunder is produced by shaking a sheet of iron behind the scenes4 ,the sheet should be about three feet square1 and can be procured at any stove store4 ,snow can be represented by throwing handfuls of small scraps of paper from above4 ,it is best to mount on a chair or step-ladder behind the scenes1 and strew them down in the proper direction4 ,the scraps of paper should be of course white and torn1 not cut1 of the requisite size4 ,the sound of rain or hail is produced thus3 ,get the carpenter to make for you a box1 from eight to twelve feet in length1 and of about four inches inside diameter2 put in a couple of handfuls of dried peas1 and then fasten up the box2 when you wish to make rain1 tilt up one end of the box and let the peas run down to the other end1 then reverse the box and let them run back again4 ,as long as you continue to do this you will have an excellent imitation of rain1 at least as far as the sound is concerned4 ,lightning is imitated by having a lamp in a box2 whenever you want to produce a flash1 open the lid suddenly and close it again4 ,of course all the other lights in the room must have been previously lowered4 ,wind4 ,sufficient wind to blow about the flakes of snow can be produced with a very large fan1 a wooden frame with calico stretched over it being as good as anything4 ,but to simulate the effects of a gale1 some other means must be adopted4 ,illustration ,we will assume that the curtain rises on a storm scene2 thunder and hail are heard1 and fitful flashes of lightning illumine the landscape4 ,enter a wandering female1 a little girl1 we will presume1 in search of shelter2 as she walks on to the stage leaning forward as though struggling against the blast1 her shawl and dress are violently agitated by the wind4 ,to produce this effect attach two or three strong threads to the garments named1 and at the proper time jerk and pull them with a tremulous motion1 to impart the natural action4 ,the preceding diagram will illustrate our meaning4 ,these instructions may be found useful to amateur players1 and will certainly heighten the effect of the performance when they can be introduced4 ,there is another point in connection with make-up to which we may as well call the reader's attention before closing this chapter4 ,all persons1 no matter how ruddy their complexions may be1 look pale or sallow under the influence of the bright light necessary to illuminate a stage2 to counteract this effect it is absolutely necessary to rouge1 or in other words1 paint the cheeks pink2 a little carmine from your paint-box will serve for this purpose1 if you have not the regular rouge powder on hand4 ,,chapter ,,xxi4 ,it is marvellous how much amusement1 in a quiet way1 can be got out of a pair of scissors and a piece of card-board4 ,moreover1 if the fingers be plump and white1 we know of no position in which they look more tantalizingly bewitching1 than when harnessed like a couple of white mice in the iron yoke of a pair of liliputian shears4 ,we have passed many a pleasant evening in contemplating and cutting4 ,on one occasion which we remember well1 as it led to sudden and unexpected matrimony of a valued friend1 we sat till twelve o'clock at night and used up a whole pack of cards1 except the jack of diamonds1 in making boomerangs and other mechanical notions4 ,the boomerang we have already introduced to our readers1 and some of the other contraptions we shall now proceed to explain4 ,so scare up all the cards you can1 and bring out your army of scissors4 ,illustration ,one card puzzle we have often tried1 and with which most persons are familiar1 is that of the cross4 ,you cut out of card or stiff paper1 five pieces similar in shape and size to the following1 viz4 one piece of fig4 #a1 one piece of fig4 #b1 and three pieces of fig4 #c4 ,these five pieces you put together so as to make a cross like ,figure #d4 ,illustration ,if you cannot solve the problem1 look at the following cut1 and you will cease to be puzzled4 ,illustration ,now we will try another card puzzle4 ,cut a piece of card or paper in the shape of a horse-shoe1 and mark on it the places for the nails as represented in the subjoined sketch4 ,the puzzle is with two cuts to divide it into six parts1 each part containing one nail4 ,of course you cannot do it2 we could not do it ourselves1 and had to get the white mice to show us the way4 ,somehow or another we never can find out anything with half a dozen taper fingers fluttering before our eyes4 ,they bewilder us terribly1 getting between the feet of our ideas1 so to speak1 and tripping us up2 as young lambs might serve an awkward shepherd4 ,well1 the mystery is solved thus3 you cut off the upper circular part1 containing two of the nails2 then by changing the position of the piece1 another cut will divide the horse-shoe into six portions1 each containing one nail4 ,illustration ,the next trick is of a slightly different style4 ,cut two pieces of card like those represented in the diagram and place them in the position represented2 the problem is1 with a small stick or lead-pencil1 to raise them from the table1 without of course touching them with your fingers4 ,you may try this as often as you like4 ,if you succeed1 well and good2 if you do not1 you can come back here and refer to the solution4 ,illustration ,here is a picture 7,no4 #b7 representing the way in which it is done2 need we add anything in the way of explanation8 ,we think not--so we won't do it4 ,,chapter ,,xxii4 ,nix has a sister married to a wealthy leather merchant1 whose place of business is in that odoriferous part of ,new ,york city called ,the ,swamp4 ,she is very beautiful1 so we call her the ,swamp ,angel1 and her husband's counting-house1 ,araby the ,blest4 ,her children we have christened ,findings1 the youngest being always spoken of as the last4 ,we have numerous jokes1 of course1 about the cobbler sticking to his last1 the best quality of calf1 and so on4 ,she is very good-natured1 and enjoys our badinage heartily1 having a healthy vein of fun of her own1 which transmutes all the little events of domestic life into the most refined humor4 ,we like humor in a woman1 or we should rather say in a gentlewoman2 her culture and the natural tact peculiar to her sex1 seem to eliminate any of those grosser particles which the coarse sensibilities of a man would not detect4 ,humor is as fascinating in a woman as sarcasm is abominable2 it requires the very highest breeding to make the latter quality moderately safe in the hands of young women4 ,for our own part1 we would rather see a woman chew tobacco than hear her say sharp things4 ,however1 this is a digression4 ,mrs4 ,crofton1 as we said1 is very fond of fun1 and in her house there is that perfect ease and abandon which can only be enjoyed by well-bred people2 whoever visits there is at home2 and a favored few1 of whom the writer has the honor of being one1 are treated quite as enfants de famille4 ,if1 on calling1 we find the heads of the house from home1 we know where the claret and cigars are kept4 ,cicero1 the negro waiter1 obeying standing orders1 promptly serves up some repast1 and presses the hospitality of the house upon us with all the aplomb and grace for which his race are remarkable4 ,we drop into breakfast whenever we feel so disposed1 and invite ourselves to dinner or tea as freely as though our friends kept a hotel2 indeed we jocularly call their mansion by various public names3 ,the ,crofton ,house1 ,fifth ,avenue ,hotel1 ,the ,shoe and ,leather ,house1 etc41 etc4 ,we have perpetrated more sheer1 downright nonsense in their saloons than any forty strait-laced country school-children ever condescended to commit in their rural play-ground4 ,one day during the holidays1 when some fourteen or fifteen friends had dropped in quite promiscuous1 and were playing all kinds of tricks1 a certain gentleman1 imported from ,england1 an officer in the ,guards1 genus ,swell1 pwoposed that we should play the ,muffin man4 ,as none of us had ever heard of this gentleman or the muffin business1 there was a general cry for light4 ,oh1 its vewy jolly1 ,i asshua yaw4 ,we all sit wound in a wing1 yaw know1 and one of us1 yaw know1 sings3 ',do yaw know the muffin man1 ,do yaw know his name1 ,do yaw know the muffin man1 ,that lives in ,cwumpet ,lane4' ,then the next person answers3 ',oh1 yes1 ,i know the muffin man1 ,oh1 yes1 ,i know the muffin man1 ,oh1 yes1 ,i know the muffin man1 ,who lives in ,cwumpet#c ,lane4' ,then he turns to the next person1 and when each person has sung his verse1 yaw know1 he then joins in the cawus1#d until it has gone all wound2#e then1 yaw know1 we all sing together3 ',we all know the muffin man1 ,we all know his name2 ,we all know the muffin man1 ,who lives in ,cwumpet ,lane4' ,the game is1 yaw know1 to keep a gwave#f face all the time4 ,if yaw laugh yaw pay a forfeit4 ,the muffin man1 the muffin man1 echoed half a dozen voices2 let us play the muffin man4 #c ,this word means ,crumpet4 #d ,this word means ,chorus4 #e ,round4 #f ,grave4 ,the proposition being carried nem4 con41 we all sat wound in a wing1 or round in a ring1 a circle of individuals of every age from three up to seventy4 ,the ,englishman1 as head instigator1 started the game1 but before he got half through his verse we were all in convulsions of laughter2 the next person took it up1 but it was utterly useless to think of collecting the forfeits2 we were all1 in spite of every effort1 like a party of maniacs reeling in our seats with merriment4 ,there was something so utterly idiotic and absurd in a large party of respectable1 rational beings1 congratulating themselves in song that they knew the muffin man of ,crumpet ,lane4 ,the ,english swell was immediately made an honorary member of our order1 which is1 as yet1 without a name4 ,as we had all laughed our throats dry1 ,mr4 ,crofton invited us into the next room to see a man1 as the ,immortal ,artemus delicately expresses it1 so we all went in and saw the man4 ,some of us saw him in ice claret1 some in hot punch1 and some in cool champagne4 ,one of ,crofton's children1 a maiden aged three years1 whom they called ,toney1 as the diminutive of her ,christian name1 ,antonia1 came toddling in with the rest and said3 ,me1 ,nooni1 want see man4 ,whereupon her father gave her a goblet of lemonade4 ,she just tasted it1 and handed it back with supreme contempt1 saying3 ,me1 ,nooni1 want banny wasser2 which being translated into ,english means3 ,me1 ,toney1 wants brandy and water4 ,the little voluptuary was satisfied with a glass of weak claret punch4 ,during this conversation1 ,bub1 a patriarch of five years1 who had been looking on with a very patronizing air1 now came forward1 and laying his hand on his sister's shoulder1 lisped out3 ,oh1 you tunnen witty sing1 zats nice banny water4 ,then turning to us in a confidential way1 he continued3 ,she's a witty durl 7little girl72 she finks 7thinks7 zats banny water2 banny water make witty durls fick 7sick72 me1 big boy1 banny water not make me fick4 ,we gave him a nondescript drink1 flavored with every liquor on the table1 which made him feel immensely proud4 ,let us play at earth1 air1 fire1 and water1 said ,mrs4 ,crofton4 ,very well1 ,toney1 answered her husband4 ,you can play at earth1 and ,i will play with the fire-water4 ,so saying1 he filled himself a glass of punch1 and stretched his limbs in an easy-chair4 ,i think my husband is the laziest fellow living1 laughed ,mrs4 ,crofton4 ,i do believe if ,i were being carried off by wild ,indians1 he would make a note of it in his memorandum book1 to have his porter attend to the matter next day4 ,nix here interposed3 ,dear1 dear1 these family quarrels are very painful4 ,come1 ,toney1 and help to amuse the young people4 ,earth1 air1 fire1 and water1 whatever that may be1 is the order of the day4 ,how do you play it1 ,toney8 ,you all sit round the room1 and then one of the party throws something at one of the others1 at the same time naming one of the elements1 earth1 or air1 or fire1 or water2 then he begins to count one1 two1 three1 four1 five1 six1 seven1 eight1 nine1 and before he says ten1 the person struck must name some animal living in the element chosen4 ,well1 but what do you throw at the person8 inquired ,nix2 a bureau1 or decanter1 for instance8 ,no1 no2 something small and soft1 like a pair of gloves1 or--or--oh1 ,i know1 wait a minute and ,i will run up-stairs and get the baby's worsted ball2 that will be just the thing4 ,while ,mrs4 ,crofton was absent1 and she was detained rather longer than her mission seemed to warrant1 ,nix1 in poking about in his sister's work-basket in pursuit of mischief1 discovered a piece of white beeswax4 ,eureka6 he exclaimed1 ,i have it2 we will play ,toney a trick before she comes back2 we will make her think some one has broken her new mirror4 ,saying this1 he advanced to a large pier-glass between the windows1 and marked on it a huge star with the white wax something like the accompanying diagram1 and then instructed one or two of us to make lamentations over it when his sister should return4 ,we had not to wait long3 in a few minutes ,mrs4 ,c4 entered the room1 whereupon we conspirators set to work gesticulating1 and talking over the supposed catastrophe4 ,dear6 dear6 said one1 how unfortunate6 ,how did it happen8 queried a second4 ,illustration ,i really don't know1 answered a third4 ,i merely heard a crash1 and---- ,here the lady came on the scene1 looking quite flushed4 ,i knew you children would be in some mischief1 she said1 while ,i was away4 ,i suppose this is some of my clumsy brother's work4 ,he never comes into the house without destroying something4 ,i'm very sorry1 whined ,nix1 contritely2 it was quite an accident1 ,i assure you2 but ,i wonder whether it could not be mended8 ,mended6 you goose1 exclaimed his sister4 ,who ever heard of mending a broken mirror6 ,it will take a pretty big cheque on your banker to mend that1 sir4 ,i am not so sure of that1 replied ,nix4 ,if it is not very bad ,i might----any way ,i will try4 ,suiting the action to the words1 he advanced towards the mirror in such a position that his sister could not see what he did1 and very deliberately wiped out the wax marks with his pocket-handkerchief4 ,the astonishment of ,mrs4 ,c4 at this miracle knew no bounds1 nor could the gift of any amount of new pier-glasses have given her more pleasure4 ,now1 then1 all take your seats2 we are going to play earth1 air1 fire1 and water4 ,the circle is formed2 our hostess holds the woollen ball poised in her hand for an instant1 and then sends it flying into the bosom of a grey-haired old gentleman1 at the same time uttering the word air1 and commencing to count rapidly1 one1 two1 three1 four1 five1 six1 seven1 eight1 nine1 ten4 ,the old gentleman seemed utterly paralysed until she had finished counting1 when he stammered out1 ,wh--h--h--h--h--,,pig6 amidst the roars of laughter of every one present4 ,of course he had to pay a forfeit1 and took his turn at throwing the ball4 ,no one who has not seen this game played can conceive how ludicrous it is1 or how much good wholesome laughter may be got out of it4 ,when a sufficient number of forfeits had accumulated1 they were cried in the usual manner4 ,a good deal of ingenuity was displayed in awarding the tasks as well as in executing them4 ,one was that the owner of this pretty thing should make an impromptu containing the names of every one in the room1 and was managed in the following style3 ,three ,howards--,corsey1 ,toney1 ,archibald1 and ,nix1 ,bub1 ,brown1 ,campbell1 ,jim and ,jane have got me in a fix4 ,another task imposed was1 that the owner of a cigar-case should give us a riddle no one could solve4 ,going into the next room1 this person procured a glass of wine1 and holding it up said3 ,gentlemen1 ,i give you 'the ladies4' ,no one attempted to solve this riddle4 ,another gentleman was ordered to point out the greatest goose in the room4 ,this delicate task he set about performing in the following manner3 he went to one young lady and asked her to hold up her face to the light1 which she did1 whereupon he imprinted a chaste salute on her lips2 he then went to the next1 but she persisted in holding down her head4 ,he then turned round to his tasker and said3 ,really it is impossible for me to determine which are the geese if they will not allow me to examine their bills4 ,he was let off4 ,when all the forfeits were restored1 even to little ,toney's pocket-handkerchief1 which she recovered by throwing herself into her papa's arms and hugging him round the neck1 as the prettiest1 and wittiest1 and one she loved best1 we all adjourned to broiled oysters and chicken salad4 ,,chapter ,,xxiii4 ,a few days ago when the blistering sun had converted the whole of ,new ,york city into one vast bake-oven1 ,nix called at our office1 and proposed a flying trip to a certain watering-place4 ,we will not mention its name for fear of incurring the suspicion of writing puffs4 ,it was1 however1 sufficiently unfashionable to be tolerably comfortable4 ,in order to reach our destination we took an early steamboat1 leaving ,new ,york at six o'clock in the morning4 ,with what intense satisfaction we became conscious of possessing lungs as we inhaled the cool air which had been washing itself all night in the great waves of the ,atlantic ocean1 or sleeping among the pine-woods of ,delaware and ,new ,jersey4 ,there is nothing surely which makes one feel more grateful for the gift of life than to breathe the early morning air1 laden with the perfume of salt-water4 ,on this occasion the bracing atmosphere gave a relish to everything4 ,the crisp broiled ham1 the clam-fritters1 and even the miserable coffee we had for breakfast on board1 all tasted like food worthy of the gods4 ,and as for our cigars 7genuine ,havanas7 which followed the meal1 their incense fairly sent us up to the seventh heaven of delight4 ,but our business is to write on the ,art of ,amusing1 and although an early steamboat trip may be one of the most enjoyable of things1 it scarcely comes within the sphere of our work4 ,when we arrived at the hotel1 we found the lady guests were in process of organizing a fair for the benefit of the sufferers by the great ,portland fire4 ,nix rushed into the enterprise with his usual enthusiasm2 and by that evening1 when the fair commenced1 had fully qualified himself to start in business as a ,three-sticks-a-penny-man4 ,this plebeian pastime he had picked up at some ,english race or fair he had once visited1 and now attempted with considerable success to acclimatize in ,america4 ,his first step was to go to the village store and purchase a number of penknives1 jack-knives1 pincushions1 tobacco-boxes1 and similar contraptions4 ,his second care was to cut half-a-dozen hickory-sticks or wands1 of about four feet six inches in length1 and of the thickness of your middle finger--that is1 if you are blest with as spacious a paw as ourself2 if not1 we feel at a loss how to convey to your mind an approximate idea of the measurement4 ,but suppose you take any healthy ,irish day-laborer1 and make his third finger the standard1 not the part where the knobs are1 but the spaces between them4 ,well1 ,nix cut six sticks of about the thickness of a healthy ,irish day-laborer's third finger1 in the spaces between the joints or knobs4 ,he then cut a dozen other sticks of about the thickness of anybody's wrist1 and about two feet long4 ,good6 ,when he wished to commence operations on the fair-ground he selected a piece of level turf1 and on one side of it dug six holes about the size of the late ,daniel ,webster's hat2 these holes he half filled with sand1 and in the centre of every hole he then stuck one of the sticks of about the thickness of a healthy ,irish1 etc41 etc4 ,then on the top of each stick he balanced a jack-knife1 pin-cushion1 or some other object of more or less value4 ,now all his preparations were completed4 ,he was prepared to receive customers4 ,standing in a commanding attitude1 at a distance of about thirty feet from the arrangement we have described1 he cried out in truly ,english style3 ,now1 ladies and gents1 ere yer are--three sticks a penny4 ,any lady or gent wishin to make a immediate fortin1 and marry the being of his art on the result1 have only to invest a few dollars in my establishment1 and he will retire wealthy in arf a nour4 ,here1 ladies and gents1 look at these ere sticks 7holding up one of the clubs about the thickness of anybody's wrist71 hall you ave to do is to throw one of these ere at them there 7pointing to the pincushions1 etc472 hany article you knock orf is yourn1 provided it don't fall inter the ole4 ,now1 all ,i charge you for the priviledge orf throwin' three of these sticks1 is the radicerlously small sum of ten cents4 ,you are sure to win five dollars each time4 ,now1 walk up2 walk up1 and take yer chance1 and make yer everlastin fortin2 marry the hobject of yer haffections1 and build yer pallatial willa on the ,udson4 ,here a courageous youth stepped up1 examined the whole arrangement minutely1 and concluded to invest ten cents4 ,fortunately for ,nix and the cause this youth knocked off a dollar jack-knife at the first throw4 ,the consequence was an immense rush of patronage2 indeed1 the sport became so exciting that two similar establishments could have been kept in active operation4 ,as it was1 ,nix cleared fifty-four dollars over and above all expenses for the good of the fair1 and the benefit of the poor folks of ,portland4 ,one of ,nix's most profitable customers was a good-natured flashy young man of the wholesale dry-goods pattern1 who appeared each day in some new shade of mustard-colored clothing1 from the delicate yellow of freshly mixed pure ,durham to the rich tones of stale ,german4 ,he told us in confidence that he had intended to go to ,saratoga1 but the old gentleman and old lady 7his father and mother7 had insisted on his coming down with them to this d----d hole2 then1 suddenly recollecting that we had all probably come from chance1 he added3 ,oh1 this is a very nice place2 first-rate2 ,i don't say anything about that1 only ,i had a party of friends going up to ,saratoga1 and they'll expect me2 they know there's always fun going on where ,i am4 ,it don't make any difference to me whether ,i spend fifty dollars or five hundred4 ,i'm bound to have a good time4 ,i appreciate anything2 tha's--anything1 you know--tha's got any wit into it1 you know4 ,well1 you know1 there are some people who ain't got any idea2 don't seem to appreciate1 you know4 ,now1 when ,i saw you throwin' sticks1 well1 ,i piled right in2 ,i didn't care about it1 of course1 only ,i saw what you were doing it for1 and ,i didn't care4 ,some people would think it awful vulgar1 you know1 but ,i don't care2 that's the sort of man ,i am4 ,perhaps ,i shouldn't have liked some of my aristocratic lady friends to have seen me2 but then down here1 you know4 ,oh1 ,i'd just as lief have given the money to the fair2 ,i'd spent thirty dollars before in slippers and things1 and then gave 'em back4 ,i didn't want 'em1 you know1 only ,i like to see things lively2 there's bound to be fun when ,i'm round4 ,however1 we will not follow our good-natured friend through his long monologue of refined egotism2 we merely introduced him because he showed us a variety of tricks1 two of which we think worth recording in our book on amusements4 ,on the morning after the fair1 ,nix and ourself1 in company with the mustard-colored aristocrat1 took a bath in the ocean4 ,the aristocrat appeared in the water attired in a sumptuous bathing dress1 smoking a cigar which he told us cost #hjj per thousand2 which1 he frankly confessed1 he thought too high a price for a man to pay for cigars in these times4 ,he further stated that he relished smoking in the water very much4 ,to our inquiry whether there was no danger of the waves putting it out1 he replied by informing us that he could dive under water with a lighted cigar in his mouth without extinguishing it4 ,d'you see that boat there8 he said1 pointing to a small scow about a hundred and fifty yards distant4 ,well1 ,i will dive under that2 you watch me1 and you will see me come up4 ,we thought there must be some hoax in the matter1 and so kept a strict eye upon his movements4 ,he swam out to the craft1 gave a plunge and a kick1 after the manner of ducks in a pond1 disappeared1 and came up on the other side1 calmly puffing his weed4 ,never having seen or heard of the feat before1 ,nix and ourself were what the ancient ,greeks used to call flabbergasterd4 ,when he had enjoyed his triumph and our bewilderment for a few minutes1 he showed us how it was done2 simply by putting the lighted end of the cigar in his mouth just before going under water1 that was all4 ,he added3 ,i will show you something better if you will come up to the shooting-gallery after we get through bathing4 ,did you ever see a man ring the bell with his back to the target8 ,arrived at the shooting-gallery1 our young friend procured a mirror which he hung on the wall opposite the target1 then placing himself in front of the former1 with his back to the latter1 he held the pistol over his shoulder and took aim1 looking at the image of the pistol in the glass as if it were the pistol itself2 that is1 in such a manner that the reflection of the object was covered by the reflection of the pistol2 he then fired1 and came within an inch of the bull's-eye4 ,when we got back to the hotel he amused us by setting fire to a glass of alcohol with a burning glass4 ,he placed a silver dollar 7a red cent would have answered as well7 in the spirit1 and then directed the rays of the sun through the burning-glass on the metal2 in an instant the liquid was all ablaze4 ,in the afternoon this same youth called us all to enjoy a trick he had played upon the old gentleman4 ,the old gentleman1 it appeared1 was engaged in reading ,macaulay's ,history of ,england1 and like a methodical old gentleman1 whenever he laid down the book1 marked the place where he left off4 ,on the day in question his son had abstracted his book from its accustomed place1 and painted on the page following the one he was1 reading a very excellent imitation of a fly4 ,at his usual hour the old gentleman was seen to put on his spectacles1 and take up the book2 all those in the secret were of course on hand2 presently he came to the passage on which appeared the counterfeit fly2 the old gentleman shook the book1 but the fly stirred not2 then he blew at it2 then he laid down the volume1 and deliberately taking out his handkerchief1 made a pass at the offending insect with that weapon1 replaced his handkerchief1 settled his glasses1 took up the book again1 but to his utter surprise the fly still remained4 ,a light seemed now to dawn on him--the fly had got crushed between the leaves--so he essayed to remove it with his finger-nail2 here his hopeful offspring could stand it no longer1 and burst into a roar of laughter1 in which several others joined4 ,when the joke was explained to the worthy victim1 he said3 ,now1 that's very good1 isn't it2 very good4 ,i made sure it was a real fly1 as true as you live4 ,look here1 wife2 look at this1 some of ,master ,tom's doing2 good1 ain't it2 as true as you live1 that's a fact4 ,ah6 ,ha6#g #g ,we have since seen a somewhat similar trick played by painting a fly on the face of a watch or inside the glass4 ,later in the evening ,young ,hopeful horrified a circle of ladies by discovering at their feet a huge spider2 in the midst of their shrieks and exclamations a courageous gentleman with large whiskers stepped forward to crush the intruder1 raised his foot1 and brought it down firmly1 but staggered back astounded--the creature had exploded with a loud report1 conveying an idea of vindictiveness and power truly appalling4 ,the young gentleman took us aside and explained the mystery1 at the same time producing from his pocket a small box containing some half-dozen similar spiders4 ,i have them made on purpose for me1 he said4 ,a ,german porter in our store first put me up to it1 and ,i told him to set to work and make me as many as he liked1 and charge me any price he chose4 ,i tell ye1 that ,dutchman thinks ,i'm a great boy4 ,i pay him about five dollars a week for spiders2 well1 you know1 that's a good deal for a man like him2 only gets twelve dollars a week in the store4 ,we examined the specimen carefully1 and found it was constructed very much on the plan of the torpedoes used by children on the ,fourth of ,july2 only the paper was brown and a little thicker1 and there were legs of fine wire attached1 which gave it a very lifelike and spidery appearance4 ,the ,dutchman had evidently gone into the matter con amore1 for he had taken the pains to wash some of his specimens with gum1 and then sprinkle them with wool-dust to produce the appearance of what are called hairy spiders4 ,about one-third of a grain of fulminating silver produces the explosion in each4 ,they are very easily made4 ,as we steamed back to the great city of ,new ,york next day1 ,nix said he thought we had made a very good investment of three red-hot days of mid-summer time4 ,we thought so1 too4 ,,chapter ,,xxiv4 ,we are not a great advocate for arithmetical puzzles as a pastime for festive occasions1 that is to say not as a general rule2 but there are certain tricks of figures which are quite amusing1 and some few problems which from their very simplicity become almost ludicrous4 ,we have seen many a tolerably wise head puzzled over the question3 ,if a barrel of flour cost thirty-nine dollars thirteen and three quarter cents1 what will a penny loaf come to8 ,and consume considerable time and paper without discovering the obvious fact1 that a penny loaf will of course come to a penny and nothing else4 ,we remember1 too1 an amiable ,divine1 who tortured his dear old head for three-quarters of an hour to solve the question3 ,if a shovel1 poker1 and tongs1 cost thirteen dollars forty-three and a quarter cents1 what will a ton of coals come to8 ,and when informed that they would come to ashes1 he seemed to feel quite hurt2 and indeed1 to labor for some time under a sense of having been trifled with4 ,when told that it was merely a joke1 a little fun1 he replied that he was a great admirer of ,don ,quixote1 could appreciate ,gil ,bias1 and relished exceedingly the wit of ,swift and ,sterne2 but failed to perceive the particular humor of our joke about the ton of coals4 ,with all due respect for the estimable prelate1 we must venture to differ from him1 fortified as we are in our opinion by a young lady1 who1 if not a divine herself1 has a pair of eyes that are1 in whose company we have solved some of the most intricate arithmetical jocularities and trivialities1 till we were up to the eyes in ink and love4 ,one we well remember1 partly because it gave us so much trouble1 and partly because there was a wild picturesqueness about the subject which appeals to our imagination4 ,it ran thus3 ,a man has a wolf1 a goat1 and a cabbage1 to carry over a river1 but he can only convey them one at a time1 his boat being very small4 ,how is he to manage this1 so that the wolf may not be left alone with the goat1 nor the goat with the cabbage8 ,it is obvious if the wolf be left with the goat1 he will eat it up2 whilst if the goat be left with the cabbage1 short work will be made of that classic vegetable4 ,oh1 how often we crossed and recrossed that river2 how often we took the goat out1 and put the wolf in2 and how frequently we took out the wolf1 and put in the goat4 ,how we trembled for the poor man1 fearing there could be no alternative for him but to sacrifice either the goat or the cabbage1 or else kill the wolf4 ,how varied and wild were our expedients1 such as throwing the wolf across1 sending the cabbage round by express1 digging a tunnel under the bed of the river1 forcing the proprietor to eat the cabbage himself1 towing the goat behind the boat1 and other devices too numerous to mention1 all of which we were assured1 by those holding the key to the mystery1 were altogether inadmissible2 and then when1 with humbled pride1 we reluctantly gave it up1 how mad we were at the simplicity of the solution1 which was this3 ,he first takes over the goat1 and then returns for the wolf2 he then takes back the goat1 which he leaves1 and takes over the cabbage1 he then returns and takes over the goat ,all as simple as ,a1 ,b1 ,c1 when you know how to do it2 that knowing how to do it is the great difficulty in ninety-nine out of every hundred things in this world4 ,puzzles which involve long and laborious calculation are not in our line2 they are too suggestive of the school and the country room4 ,something like the following is good for skirmishing3 ,,problem4 ,put down four nines1 so that they will make one hundred4 ,after a short struggle you surrender at discretion1 and in an instant get the ,,solution4 #ii-i_/i ,there is no delay1 no tedious figuring up2 you get your answer and are ready for something fresh4 ,some such abstruse calculation as the following1 for instance3 ,,problem4 ,if a herring and a half cost three cents1 how many will you get for a dollar8 ,to ladies1 who as a general rule have not the organ of calculation very largely developed1 this will usually prove a poser4 ,as the problem is to be solved by patience and study1 we will leave them to do it1 or give it up1 and proceed to the next ,,problem4 ,a gentleman sent his servant with a present of nine ducks in a box1 upon which was the following direction3-- ,to ,alderman ,gobble with ,,ix4 ducks4 ,the servant1 who had more ingenuity than honesty1 purloined three of the ducks1 and contrived it so that the number contained in the box corresponded with that upon the direction4 ,as he neither erased any word or letter1 nor substituted a new direction1 how did he so alter it as to correspond with the contents of the box8 ,the dishonest but ingenious servant simply placed the letter ,s before the two ,roman numerals1 ,,ix4 ,the direction then read thus3 ,to ,alderman ,gobble1 with ,,six ducks4 ,it will be seen that this problem is very easy of solution to every one1 save ,artemus ,ward1 who would spell it ,sicks dux in a bocks4 ,here is one1 however1 which would suit the taste1 if not the ability1 of the great showman to a nicety3 ,,problem4 ,to distribute among three persons twenty-one casks of wine1 seven of them full1 seven of them empty1 and seven of them half full2 so that each of them shall have the same quantity of wine1 and the same number of casks4 ,this problem admits of two solutions1 which may be clearly comprehended by means of the two following tables3 ,,first ,,solution4 ,persons4 ,full casks4 ,empty4 ,half full4 #a #b #b #c #b #b #b #c #c #c #c #a ,,second ,,solution4 ,persons4 ,full casks4 ,empty4 ,half full4 #a #c #c #a #b #c #c #a #c #a #a #e ,one more problem1 and we shall have had enough mathematics for one chapter4 ,illustration ,a figure similar to the preceding can be formed without removing the pencil from the paper1 without crossing any line or retracing any part4 ,now set to work and do it4 ,if you do not succeed1 you may refer to the annexed diagram and solution4 ,illustration ,draw a line from #a to #b1 #b to #c1 #c to #d1 #d to #e1 #e to #f1 #f to #a1 #a to #g1 #g to #h1 #h to #i1 #i to #c1 #c to #aj1 and #aj to #a4 ,,chapter ,,xxv4 ,we have observed that ,tableaux and ,charades run in some families1 and that these families are always ready to spend any amount of time and money to carry out their favorite ideas2 we cannot help feeling considerable admiration for any one having some honest enthusiasm for any amusement in this toiling age of ours4 ,but our mission is not to deal much with the costly or complicated4 ,those who wish to produce tableaux from ,waverley or the ,bride of ,abydos1 who desire to attire themselves as ,mary ,queen of ,scots1 ,di ,vernon1 or ,dolly ,varden1 we leave to their own devices1 giving only our best wishes4 ,there are1 however1 charades to be got up on the spur of the moment1 which are not less entertaining than the more elaborate performances to which we allude4 ,we will mention one or two which have come under our observation during a chequered existence2 they may serve to give the key-note1 if nothing more4 ,on the occasion of a certain impromptu party1 the lady of the house begged some of her guests to get up something which would entertain the rest1 some charades1 or what not4 ,two gentlemen consulted for a moment1 and then took up their positions in the back of the parlor1 which represented the stage4 ,one sat down to read1 whilst the other crept up slyly behind him1 and much to his dismay turned off the gas4 ,they then both rose and declared the charade completed1 leaving it to the audience to divine the answer4 ,whether any one guessed it or not we do not know--but the answer was ,gastric--,gas-trick4 ,another gentleman then stepped into the stage1 with a large hat at the back of his head1 and began calling--,mooley1 mooley1 mooley2 com1 com1 mooley4 ,where kin that keow a poked herself now8 she's allers a concealing of herself somewheres or another--mooley1 etc41 ,his riddle was now concluded1 and he desired the audience to give him the answer4 ,the answer was ,cow-hiding4 ,a famous physician and wit was the next to come forward1 accompanied by a friend4 ,they took positions in opposite corners of the room1 advanced towards each other1 and as they passed1 the friend said to the doctor1 ,how do1 ,doctor8 ,to the surprise of all1 they declared the charade completed4 ,no one could guess it1 of course2 the answer was metaphysician1 met-a-physician4 ,again they took their positions precisely as before1 announcing that they were about to give another charade4 ,again they walked across the room1 and as they passed1 one said to the other1 ,how do1 again8 ,this was the conclusion of the second charade2 quite as puzzling as the first1 only more so4 ,the answer was metaphor--met-afore4 ,this absurdity was received with roars of laughter and thunders of applause4 ,charades of this kind1 we are inclined to think1 give more real pleasure after all1 than the studied1 costly elaborations4 ,they are perhaps not so pretty2 but1 ye gods6 where there are pretty women1 what else could mortal man desire in the way of beauty6 ,,chapter ,,xxvi4 ,a certain young lady with whom we are acquainted has discovered a new art1 which seems to absorb a great portion of her being4 ,it is a method by which almost anything may be transmuted into coral4 ,the consequence of this discovery is that the ,english-basement house in which the maid in question dwells1 is converted into a perfect mermaid's grotto4 ,we told her so the other day1 since which she has called us her ,triton2 and further intimated that in order to preserve the fitness of things1 we might invite her to an oyster supper at ,delmonico's4 ,this hint we took with the avidity of a pickerel2 but alas for the fickleness of woman1 and our visions of marine happiness1 the damsel changed her position and absolutely declined accepting our hospitality1 even to the extent of a shrimp4 ,it is marvellous what very poor jokes afford rich amusement1 when they are passed amongst intimate friends4 ,when we called the lady in question1 ,south ,coral-ina1 every one present seemed quite amused2 indeed only one person1 an obnoxious individual with large whiskers1 seemed to resent it at all3--but now that the title by frequent repetition has assumed the character of a nickname1 it is always received as an exquisite piece of humor4 ,numerous ramifications of this subject afford us endless themes for badinage4 ,we profess to ridicule the idea that involuntary servitude is abolished1 when ,south ,coral-ina holds ourselves and so many others in slavery4 ,she retorts by calling us ,neptune1 and asking after the telegraph cable4 ,when this badinage had been going on for some time1 our friend ,nix played quite a pretty hoax on the ladies4 ,he arrived one evening with a somewhat dirty-looking basket on his arm filled with oysters4 ,this was rather an inelegant thing to bring into the parlor1 and naturally excited some surprise2 but when he began to take out the grimy-looking bivalves1 and one by one1 hand them round to the ladies1 there was a commotion bordering on indignation2 the first lady declined to receive so plebeian a gift1 whereupon ,nix took a penknife from his pocket and opened it2 revealing the inside lined with rich velvet1 and bearing some trinket made of gold and pearls4 ,this was in payment of a bet of an oyster supper which he had playfully made with and purposely lost to one of the ladies4 ,but to revert to our ,coral4 ,we often aided the fair mermaid in her manufactures1 making sprays of coral nearly as large as in currant bushes1 coral walking-canes1 coral ear-rings1 pen racks1 paper weights1 and other useful articles4 ,we converted into coral--walnuts1 small mud-turtles1 birds' claws1 sea-shells1 and indeed almost everything on which we could lay our hands4 ,finally we took paterfamilias' felt hat one night and gave it a couple of coats of scarlet varnish1 much to the astonishment of that good gentleman when he wished to put it on next morning4 ,the mode of making these coral ornaments is1 of course1 very simple2 otherwise it would not find a place in this book3 ,,receipt4 ,to two drachms of fine vermilion1 add one ounce of clear resin1 and melt them together2 paint the object with this mixture while hot1 and then hold it over a gentle fire till it is perfectly covered and smooth4 ,to make sprays of coral you should procure some twigs of thorn2 peel and dry1 before painting with the varnish4 ,the ,nix gift of pearls has set all the ladies to work on a new idea--painting pictures in oil-colors on the inside of oyster shells2 these are mostly marine subjects where the natural hues of the shell supply the requisite tints for the clouds and water4 ,one of these little works represented a fish1 where the sheen of the mother-of-pearl gave a marvellously natural effect to the scales and gills4 ,they have also taken to making pictures on egg-shells in water-colors1 which are very pretty4 ,one egg they tattooed all over with pen-and-ink arabesque1 and emblazoned with crimson and gold4 ,it looks very handsome1 though possibly of not quite so much practical use as a locomotive or a reaping-machine4 ,still1 let us always remember that quotation from ,goethe3 ,encourage the beautiful1 the useful will take care of itself6 ,to which we might add a paraphrase of our own3 ,encourage the amusing1 the dreary will take care of itself4 ,for our own part we have serious ideas of organizing a ,,society ,,for ,,the ,,encouragement ,,of ,,amusement4 ,we firmly believe that judicious and rational amusement tends more to make men healthy1 wealthy1 and wise1 than ever did early rising1 for which1 nevertheless1 we have profoundest respect4 ,,chapter ,,xxvii4 ,to those who are fond of charades1 and indeed to all those good people who love to be merry1 we commend what the ,french call charades en action1 or pantomime charades4 ,these charades1 as the name indicates1 are acted1 not spoken4 ,the great rule to be observed is silence1 nothing more than an exclamation being allowed4 ,in extreme cases1 where it is utterly impossible to convey the idea by actions1 a placard may be introduced bearing some helpful inscription1 as in the case of ,mr4 ,cuffy 7in the charade on carpet which we shall presently give71 who draws from his bosom a monster letter from ,mr4 ,swab1 which he displays to the audience4 ,in addition to the information it conveys1 the production of this preposterously large note is calculated to create a laugh4 ,the chief merit in a charade actor is inventive ingenuity in so1 adapting the domestic adjuncts of an ordinary household as to supply the place of necessary theatrical properties and wardrobe4 ,we have seen a very respectable ,richard ,coeur de ,lion made up of the tinware of an ordinary cooking-range2 and ,queen ,elizabeth1 frill1 hair and all1 out of a few copies of the ,daily ,tribune4 ,we have known a steam fire-engine to be manufactured out of a baby's crib and a tea-kettle2 and ,bunker ,hill monument from two chairs1 a fishing-rod1 and a sheet4 ,those who have followed us so far through these pages1 have gone through a good course of study1 and will start with great advantages in the pursuit of charade-acting4 ,for the convenience of our clients we add a list of words which may be acted as charades4 ,,list ,,of ,,charade ,,words4 ,accent ,axe--cent4 ,accident ,axe--sigh--dent4 ,altar ,awl--tar4 ,artful ,art--full4 ,apex ,ape--,x4 ,bagpipe ,bag--pipe4 ,bandage ,band--age4 ,bedlam ,bed--lamb4 ,bustard ,bust--tarred4 ,behead ,bee--head4 ,blacksmith ,black--smith4 ,bulrush ,bull--rush4 ,buttress ,butt--tress4 ,catsup ,cat--sup4 ,carboy ,car--boy4 ,corselet ,course--let4 ,cribbage ,crib--age4 ,crossbow ,cross--beau4 ,cutlass ,cut--lass4 ,cartel ,car--,tell 7,william74 ,cartoon ,cart--tune6 ,cashier ,cash--ear4 ,dolphin ,doll--fin4 ,donkey ,don--key4 ,ductile ,duck--tile4 ,definite ,deaf--inn--night ,footpad ,foot--pad4 ,flatten ,flat--ten4 ,gastric ,gas--trick4 ,gallic ,gall--lick4 ,hamlet ,ham--let4 ,handcuff ,hand--cuff4 ,hartshorn ,hearts--horn4 ,hemlock ,hem--lock4 ,henpeck ,hen--peck4 ,humbug ,hum--bug4 ,humdrum ,hum--drum4 ,idol ,eye--doll4 ,ill-bred ,ill--bread4 ,instep ,inn--step4 ,implore ,imp--lore4 ,invest ,inn--vest4 ,incite ,inn--sight4 ,jackal ,jack--awl4 ,jury ,jew--rye4 ,sappet ,sap--pet4 ,linch-pin ,linch--pin4 ,loadstone ,load--stone4 ,mastiff ,ma--stiff4 ,messmate ,mess--mate4 ,mistake ,miss--take4 ,muffin ,muff--fin4 ,nightmare ,night--mare4 ,nightshade ,night--shade4 ,outfit ,out--fit4 ,pardon ,pa--don4 ,payday ,pay--dey4 ,phantom ,fan--tom4 ,picnic ,pick--nick4 ,pilot ,pie--lot4 ,pollute ,poll--lute4 ,puppet ,pup--pet4 ,prior ,pry--oar4 ,ringlet ,wring--let4 ,sauce-box ,sauce--box4 ,seesaw ,sea--sore4 ,shamrock ,sham--rock4 ,spinster ,spin--stir4 ,surtout ,sir--tout1 or ,sir--two4 ,toilet ,toy--let4 ,waistcoat ,waste--coat4 ,welcome ,well--come4 ,wilful ,will--full4 ,yellow ,yell--low4 ,,carpet4 ,a ,,charade ,,in ,,three ,,acts4 ,,act ,i4 ,,car ----4 ,dramatis ,person1 ,,car-,,driver4 ,,conductor4 ,,passengers4 ,,scene--,sixth ,avenue1 ,new ,york4 ,scene opens and discovers street-car driving furiously along1 drawn by two chestnut acquaintances4 ,conductor and driver represented by two small boys4 ,car composed of lounge1 clothes-horse1 and two chairs1 judiciously arranged and draped2 wheels of band box-lids or circular tea-trays4 ,noise of car simulated by confederates outside shaking sleigh-bells or hand-bells1 and drumming on door with fingers and hand2 also rattling on floor with feet4 ,enter some passengers1 running and hailing car4 ,bell rings1 by knocking goblet with spoon4 ,car stops4 ,illustration ,illustration ,passengers rush towards car4 ,gentleman is in the act of stepping on car when bell rings1 and car suddenly starts off1 throwing gentleman violently to the ground4 ,great screaming and wailing2 friends gather round and try to raise him2 find he is insensible2 all immediately begin shaking their fists at conductor2 then simultaneously they bethink themselves of the propriety of taking the number of the car4 ,all draw out their memorandum-books and commence writing4 ,conductor and driver make gestures of defiance4 ,illustration ,grand tableau4 ,,act ,,ii4 ---- ,,pet4 ,dramatis ,person1 ,,husband ,,and ,,wife4 ,enter lady poutingly1 followed by her husband1 who tries to coax her into a good humor1 but without avail4 ,she persists in being in a pet4 ,husband ,illustration by his gestures promises to buy her shawls1 ,illustration dresses1 ,illustration a piano1 and even ,illustration a riding-horse4#h ,illustration ,finding all these promises are of no use1 he begins to get excited2 declares she shall have nothing2 lady remains sulky2 gentleman seizes his hat1 rams it on his head1 and exits4 ,lady walks off in the opposite direction1 clenching her fists4 ,illustration #h ,to convey this idea1 the gentleman must neigh while he prances4 ,,act ,,iii4 ,,carpet4 ,dramatis ,person1 ,,irishman4 ,,colored ,,man4 ,,servant ,,girl4 ,,scene--,street-door of fashionable house--door-plate of white paper on door bearing the name of ,swab4 ,enter colored man1#i with his face well spotted with whitewash1 who rings at door of fashionable house4 #i ,the usual way of making a colored man is by blacking the face with burnt cork2 but as gentlemen at evening parties sometimes object to undergoing this ordeal1 a good nigger may be manufactured by stretching a piece of dark silk across the face and cutting out holes for the eyes and mouth4 ,hair can be made of cotton wadding4 ,illustration ,irish servant appears with her sleeves rolled up and her dress pinned in the form of a dress-coat behind4 ,she turns up her nose at darkey1 who humbly intimates that he has called for the carpet4 ,girl slams the door in his face4 ,colored man considers this outrageous conduct1 as he has been specially requested to call for orders1 and produces the following note from ,mr4 ,swab3 ,,mr4 ,,cuffy3 ,please call at ,no4 #ac ,fifth ,avenue1 for carpet4 ,,john ,,swab4 ,illustration ,he points to note and name on door to show he has come to the right house4 ,illustration ,enter ,irishman1 who approaches ,mr4 ,swab's door and rings bell2 reappear girl1 who smiles as she produces a roll of carpet4 ,cuffy steps forward and expostulates1 showing ,mr4 ,swab's letter4 ,irishman pitches into ,cuffy1 and a furious fight ensues1 in which the girl joins with a broom4 ,illustration ,,the ,,end ,,of ,,carpet4 ,,catastrophe4 ,a ,,charade ,,in ,,four ,,acts4 ,,act ,i4 ,,cat4 ,dramatis ,person1 ,,cat4 ,,dog4 ,,old ,,gentleman4 ,,scene--,backyard of city house1 with small table placed on top of other table1 to represent window4 ,enter cat 7head done up in brown paper1 with cat's face painted on it1 brown paper ears1 tail made out of lady's boa1 black silk handkerchief1 or any suitable thing74 ,illustration ,cat commences to meow and caterwaul4 ,old gentleman appears at window with nightcap on and sheet wrapped round him1 and shakes his fist at cat4 ,cat continues to make a noise4 ,illustration ,old gentleman gets very angry1 shakes both his fists1 withdraws into room1 reappears with hair-brush1 which he throws at cat4 ,cat continues to make a noise4 ,old gentleman commences a fusilade of boots1 books1 combs1 and toilet articles generally4 ,cat makes more noise than ever1 putting up her back and spitting at the objects as they fell around her4 ,the old gentleman is almost in despair1 when suddenly a bright idea strikes him1 which he expresses by pantomime1 placing his finger to the side of his nose and winking4 ,he disappears from the window4 ,presently is heard the rattling of a chain and barking of a dog4 ,illustration ,enter dog1 barking furiously1 and pursues cat out of yard4 ,old gentleman rubs his hands with glee1 and pats dog on head4 ,dog frisks about4 ,,act ,,ii ,,ass4 ,dramatis ,person1 ,,ass4 ,,rag ,,and ,,soap-,,fat ,,man4 ,,servant ,,girl4 ,,scene--,public ,street4 ,enter rag and soap-fat man dragging donkey after him4 ,donkey dragging cart made of chair with bandbox-lid wheels1 cart filled with odds and ends of tinware1 old rags1 etc4 ,donkey very obstinate2 driver beats him with roll of stiff paper4 ,servant hails soap-fat man and offers for sale several large jarsful of drippings1 sheets1 pillow-cases1 etc41 belonging to her mistress4 ,they chaffer for some time over the bargain1 but finally agree upon a price4 ,the money 7all copper pennies7 is about to change hands when the donkey1 close by1 gives an unearthly bray1 which1 to their guilty consciences1 sounds like the voice of some avenging spirit2 both scream1 drop the money on the floor1 and rush off2 donkey turns round and runs off too4 ,illustration ,illustration ,,act ,,iii4 ,,trophy4 ,dramatis ,person1 ,,soldiers4 ,,scene--,a camp1 tents made of sheets hung over chairs1 etc4 ,enter soldiers1 leading prisoners1 and bearing ragged and shot-torn flag on broomstick1 band playing trumpets 7sheets of music rolled up71 and beating drums 7tin pails72 they halt and form in line2 the officer1 by suitable gestures1 calls attention to the trophy4 ,illustration ,enter general and staff4 ,general makes a speech1 pointing to the trophy1 and then decorates their captain by pinning a medal 7a circular soda-cracker fastened to a bit of red ribbon will do7 on his breast4 ,all strike an attitude1 and the scene closes4 ,,act ,,iv4 ,,catastrophe4 ,dramatis ,person1 ,,gentlemen4 ,,ladies4 ,,horses ,,and ,,policemen4 ,,scene--,central ,park4 ,a superb carriage1 made out of the lounge with bandbox-lid wheels1 and drawn by a span of spirited bay gentleman1 is discovered2 an elegant youth is seated on the box driving1 whilst the carriage is filled with a gay and festive party of youthful ladies and gentlemen4 ,illustration ,presently the horses become restive1 plunge wildly about1 and1 in spite of all the efforts of the driver1 dash the vehicle against a post2 the inmates scream and tumble out4 ,enter two policemen1 who seize the horses1 put the driver on his legs1 and carry the rest of the party to the hospital on stretchers made of the clothes-horse4 ,illustration ,illustration ,,chapter ,,xxviii4 ,those tranquil moods to which allusion has already been made on several occasions1 have now become a decided feature in our character4 ,there is certainly something very charming in the society of well-bred women4 ,however1 we hope before long we need not be forced from home to find that enjoyment4 ,we have discovered the object of ,nix's recent gifts of ,brahminical works4 ,it was a ponderous roundabout species of humor peculiar to ,nix1 the works in question being supposed to furnish appropriate study for a person in our presumed position as admirer of ,bud 7or ,boodh74 ,nix has for some time past made himself very wearisome with continual allusions to ,vishnu1 ,siva1 ,buddhism1 and so forth4 ,we gained one idea1 however1 from his jest4 ,we have written a ,hindoo play1 the plot of which turns on the love of a devout ,brahmin4 ,the play is entirely finished save the last act1 which is complete up to the point where ,neer ,je ,haun declares his love for the ,unblown ,rose4 ,,the ,,last ,,act ,,of ,,the ,,play4 ,we took our play to the ,adams' to-night1 and told ,bud that it was nearly completed1 but we were in some embarrassment how to conclude it4 ,we had consequently come to consult her on the subject1 begging at the same time she would give it her most careful attention1 as her decision was of vital importance4 ,we were alone4 ,we had read the whole play through with the utmost care1 till we came to the final sentence in our manuscript1 where the hero declares his passion for the ,unblown ,rose4 ,it runs thus3 ,neer ,je ,haun4 ,light of my soul1 whose voice is sweeter than the murmur of the ,ganges1 whose name is incense to my nostrils1 whose eyes are brighter than the fire-flies by night--my highest ambition is to be thy slave1 my greatest hope to guard thee from harm1 to bask in the radiance of thine eyes4 ,for thee ,i would sacrifice all other earthly happiness4 ,when ,i pray thee to share my humble fortunes1 turn not away thy proud head2 parch not my soul with scorn1 though well ,i should deserve such a fate for my temerity4 ,now turning to ,bud1 we asked her to decide what answer the lover should receive2 should he be accepted or rejected8 ,oh1 accepted1 of course6 eagerly exclaimed ,bud1 her bright eyes kindling with sympathy for the ardent ,hindoo4 ,it is well6 we replied1 and wrote down the maiden's answer4 ,i will trust my life in thy hands from this day till death4 ,is that right8 we asked4 ,she said it was1 though perhaps a little cold4 ,we then drew from our breast pocket one sheet of the manuscript she had not yet seen4 ,it was the title of the play3 ,,the ,,worship ,,of ,,bud4 ,bud colored--looked at us in an embarrassed way1 and then with much hesitation was about to speak1 when we stretched out our hand and said3 ,you will not make us alter what we have written8 ,she gave no answer1 but from the pressure of her hand we knew we need doubt no more4 ,now this heathen idolator would not change places with the greatest ,christian monarch in ,europe4 ,illustration ,,the ,,end4 ,illustration3 ,a ,catalogue of ,,books ,,issued ,,by ,carleton1 ,publisher1 ,,new ,,york4 #ahff4 ,illustration ,there is a kind of physiognomy in the titles of books no less than in the faces of men1 by which a skilful observer will know as well what to expect from the one as the other4--,,butler4 ,,new ,,books ,and ,new ,editions ,recently ,issued by ,,carleton1 ,,publisher1 ,,new ,,york1 #dah ,,broadway1 ,,corner ,,of ,,lispenard ,,street ,n4,b4--,,the ,,publisher1 upon receipt of the price in advance1 will send any of the following ,books by mail1 ,,postage ,,free1 to any part of the ,united ,states4 ,this convenient and very safe mode may be adopted when the neighboring ,booksellers are not supplied with the desired work4 ,state name and address in full4 ,victor ,hugo4 ,,les ,,mis,,rables4--,the best edition1 two elegant #hvo4 vols41 beautifully bound in cloth1 #e4ej2 half calf1 #aj4jj ,,les ,,mis,,rables4--,the popular edition1 one large octavo volume1 paper covers1 #b4jj2 cloth bound1 #b4ej ,,les ,,mis,,rables4--,in the ,spanish language4 ,fine #hvo4 edition1 two vols41 paper covers1 #d4jj2 cloth bound1 #e4jj ,,jargal4--,a new novel4 ,illustrated4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ge ,,the ,,life ,,of ,,victor ,,hugo4--,by himself4 #hvo4 cloth1 #a4ge ,miss ,muloch4 ,,john ,,halifax4--,a novel4 ,with illustration4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ge ,a ,,life ,,for ,a ,,life4-- do4 do4 #a4ge ,charlotte ,bronte 7,currer ,bell74 ,,jane ,,eyre4--,a novel4 ,with illustration4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ge ,,the ,,professor4--do4 do4 do4 #a4ge ,,shirley4-- do4 do4 do4 #a4ge ,,villette4-- do4 do4 do4 #a4ge ,hand-,books of ,society4 ,,the ,,habits ,,of ,,good ,,society2 with thoughts1 hints1 and anecdotes1 concerning nice points of taste1 good manners1 and the art of making oneself agreeable4 ,the most entertaining work of the kind ever published4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ge ,,the ,,art ,,of ,,conversation4--,with directions for self-culture4 ,a sensible and instructive work1 that ought to be in the hands of every one who wishes to be either an agreeable talker or listener4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ej ,,the ,,art ,,of ,,amusing4--,a collection of graceful arts1 games1 tricks1 puzzles1 and charades1 intended to amuse everybody1 and enable all to amuse everybody else4 ,with suggestions for private theatricals1 tableaux1 parlor and family amusements1 etc4 ,with nearly #aej illustrative pictures4 #abmo4 cloth1 #b4jj ,mrs4 ,mary ,j4 ,holmes' ,works4 ',,lena ,,rivers4-- ,a novel4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ej ,,darkness ,,and ,,daylight4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,,tempest ,,and ,,sunshine4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,,marian ,,grey4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,,meadow ,,brook4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,,english ,,orphans4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,,dora ,,deane4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,,cousin ,,maude4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,,homestead ,,on ,,the ,,hillside4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,,hugh ,,worthington4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,artemus ,ward4 ,,his ,,book4--,the first collection of humorous writings by ,a4 ,ward4 ,full of comic illustrations4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ej ,,his ,,travels4--,a comic volume of ,indian and ,mormon adventures4 ,with laughable illustrations4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ej ,miss ,augusta ,j4 ,evans4 ,,beulah4--,a novel of great power #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ge ,,macaria4-- do4 do4 do4 #a4ge ,,st4 ,,elmo4-- do4 do4 ,just published4 do4 #a4ge ,by the ,author of ,rutledge4 ,,rutledge4--,a deeply interesting novel4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ge ,,the ,,sutherlands4-- do4 do4 #a4ge ,,frank ,,warrington4-- do4 do4 #a4ge ,,st4 ,,philip',s4-- do4 do4 #a4ge ,,louie',s ,,last ,,term ,,at ,,st4 ,,mary',s4 do4 #a4ge ,,roundhearts ,,and ,,other ,,stories4--,just published do4 #a4ge ,josh ,billings4 ,,his ,,book4--,all the rich comic sayings of this celebrated humorist4 ,with comic illustrations4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ej ,mrs4 ,ritchie 7,anna ,cora ,mowatt74 ,,fairy ,,fingers4--,a capital new novel4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ge ,,the ,,mute ,,singer4-- do4 do4 #a4ge ,a ,,new ,,book4--,in press4 do4 #a4ge ,new ,english ,novels4 ,,beyminstre4--,a very interesting novel4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ge ,,recommended ,,to ,,mercy4-- do4 do4 #a4ge ,,taken ,,upon ,,trust4-- do4 do4 #a4ge ,geo4 ,w4 ,carleton4 ,,our ,,artist ,,in ,,cuba4--,a humorous volume of travels2 with fifty comic illustrations by the author4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ej ,,our ,,artist ,,in ,,peru4--,in press4 #a4ej ,a4 ,s4 ,roe's ,works4 ,a ,,long ,,look ,,ahead4-- ,a novel #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ej ,,to ,,love ,,and ,,to ,,be ,,loved4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,,time ,,and ,,tide4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,i',,ve ,,been ,,thinking4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,,the ,,star ,,and ,,the ,,cloud4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,,true ,,to ,,the ,,last4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,,how ,,could ,,he ,,help ,,it8-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,,like ,,and ,,unlike4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,,looking ,,around4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,,woman1 ,,our ,,angel4--,just published4 do4 #a4ej ,richard ,b4 ,kimball4 ,,was ,,he ,,successful4-- ,a novel4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ge ,,undercurrents4-- do4 do4 #a4ge ,,saint ,,leger4-- do4 do4 #a4ge ,,romance ,,of ,,student ,,life4-- do4 do4 #a4ge ,,in ,,the ,,tropics4-- do4 do4 #a4ge ,,the ,,prince ,,of ,,kashna4-- do4 do4 #a4ge ,,emilie4--,a sequel to ,st4 ,leger4 ,in press4 do4 #a4ge ,orpheus ,c4 ,kerr4 ,,the ,,orpheus ,c4 ,,kerr ,,papers4--,comic letters and humorous military criticisms4 ,three series #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ej ,edmund ,kirke4 ,,among ,,the ,,pines4--,a ,southern sketch4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ej ,,my ,,southern ,,friends4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,,down ,,in ,,tennessee4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,,adrift ,,in ,,dixie4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,,among ,,the ,,guerillas4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,a ,,new ,,book4--,in press4 do4 do4 #a4ej ,t4 ,s4 ,arthur's ,new ,works4 ,,light ,,on ,,shadowed ,,paths4--,a novel4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ej ,,out ,,in ,,the ,,world4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,,nothing ,,but ,,money4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,,what ,,came ,,afterwards4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,,our ,,neighbors4--,just published4 do4 #a4ej ,robinson ,crusoe4 ,a handsome illustrated edition1 complete4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ej ,joseph ,rodman ,drake4 ,,the ,,culprit ,,fay4--,a faery poem4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4be ,,an ,,illustrated ,,edition4--,with #ajj exquisite illustrations on wood4 ,quarto1 beautifully printed and bound1 #e4jj ,epidemic ,cholera4 ,a handy-book for successful treatment #abmo4 cloth1 #a4jj ,cuthbert ,bede4 ,,verdant ,,green4--,a rollicking1 humorous novel of ,english student life2 with #bjj comic illustrations4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ej ,private ,miles ,o',reilly4 ,,baked ,,meats ,,of ,,the ,,funeral4--,a ,comic book4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ge ,,life ,,and ,,adventures--with comic illustrations4 do4 #a4ej ,m4 ,michelet's ,remarkable ,works4 ,,love 7,l',,amour74--,from the ,french4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ej ,,woman 7,,la ,,femme74-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,j4 ,sheridan ,le ,fanu4 ,,wylder',s ,,hand4--,a powerful new novel4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ge ,,the ,,house ,,by ,,the ,,churchyard4-- do4 do4 #a4ge ,rev4 ,john ,cumming1 ,d4,d41 of ,london4 ,,the ,,great ,,tribulation4--,two series4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ej ,,the ,,great ,,preparation4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,,the ,,great ,,consummation4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,ernest ,renan4 ,,the ,,life ,,of ,,jesus4--,from the ,french work4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ge ,,the ,,apostles4-- do4 do4 #a4ge ,,religious ,,history ,,and ,,criticism4-- #hvo4 cloth1 #b4ej ,popular ,italian ,novels4 ,,doctor ,,antonio4--,a love story4 ,by ,ruffini4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ge ,,vincenzo4-- do4 do4 do4 #a4ge ,,beatrice ,,cenci4--,by ,guerrazzi1 with portrait4 do4 #a4ge ,charles ,reade4 ,,the ,,cloister ,,and ,,the ,,hearth4--,a magnificent new novel--the best this author ever wrote4 #hvo4 cloth1 #b4jj ,the ,opera4 ,,tales ,,from ,,the ,,operas4--,a collection of clever stories1 based upon the plots of all the famous operas4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ej ,robert ,b4 ,roosevelt4 ,,the ,,game-,,fish ,,of ,,the ,,north4--,illustrated #abmo4 cloth1 #b4jj ,,superior ,,fishing4-- do4 do4 #b4jj ,,the ,,game-,,birds ,,of ,,the ,,north4-- do4 #b4jj ,john ,phoenix4 ,,the ,,squibob ,,papers4--,a new humorous volume1 filled with comic illustrations by the author4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ej ,matthew ,hale ,smith4 ,,mount ,,calvary4--,meditations in sacred places4 #abmo4 #b4jj ,p4 ,t4 ,barnum4 ,,the ,,humbugs ,,of ,,the ,,world4--,two series4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ge ,dr4 ,j4 ,j4 ,craven4 ,,the ,,prison-,,life ,,of ,,jefferson ,,davis4--,incidents and conversations connected with his captivity4 #abmo4 cloth1 #b4jj ,captain ,raphael ,semmes4 ,,the ,,cruise ,,of ,,the ,,alabama ,,and ,,sumter4-- #abmo4 cloth1 #b4jj ,pulpit ,pungencies4 ,a new serio-comic religious book4--,very rich4 #abmo4 cl41 #a4ge ,the ,abbe ,guettee4 ,,the ,,papacy4--,its origin and schism with the ,greeks4 ,introduction by ,a4 ,cleveland ,coxe1 ,d4 ,d4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ge ,mansefield ,t4 ,walworth4 ,,stormcliff4--,a new ,american novel4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ge ,amelia ,b4 ,edwards4 ,,ballads4--,by author of ,barbara's ,history4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ej ,mrs4 ,jervey 7,caroline ,h4 ,glover74 ,,helen ,,courtenay',s ,,promise4--,a new novel4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ge ,walter ,barrett1 ,clerk4 ,,the ,,old ,,merchants ,,of ,,new ,,york4--,personal incidents1 sketches1 bits of biography1 and events in the life of leading merchants in ,new ,york4 ,four series4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ge ,madame ,octavia ,walton ,le ,vert4 ,,souvenirs ,,of ,,travel4 ,new edition4 ,large #abmo4 cloth1 #b4jj ,kate ,marstone4 ,a new and very interesting tale4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ej ,by ,sentinel4 ,,who ,,goes ,,there8--,or men and events4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ej ,junius ,brutus ,booth4 ,,memorials ,,of ,,the ,,elder ,,booth4--,the actor4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ej ,h4 ,t4 ,sperry4 ,,country ,,love vs4 ,,city ,,flirtation4--,a capital new society tale1 with twenty superb illustrations by ,hoppin4 #abmo4 cloth1 #b4jj ,epes ,sargent4 ,,peculiar4--,a remarkable new novel4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ge ,cuyler ,pine4 ,,mary ,,brandegee4--,a very powerful novel #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ge ,a ,,new ,,novel4--,in press4 do4 #a4ge ,elisha ,kent ,kane4 ,,love-,,life ,,of ,,dr4 ,,kane and ,margaret ,fox4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ge ,mother ,goose for ,grown ,folks4 ,,humorous ,,rhymes for grown people4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4be ,miscellaneous ,works4 ,,notes ,,on ,,shakspeare4--,by ,jas4 ,h4 ,hackett4 #abmo4 cloth1 #a4ej ,,the ,,montanas4--,a novel by ,mrs4 ,s4 ,j4 ,hancock4 do4 #a4ge ,,pastimes ,,with ,,little ,,friends4--,martha ,h4 ,butt4 do4 #a4ej ,a ,,spinster',s ,,story4--,a new novel4 do4 #a4ge ,a ,,life ,,of ,,james ,,stephens4--,fenian ,head-,centre4 do4 #a4jj ,,free ,,government ,,in ,,england ,,and ,,america4-- do4 #c4jj ,,autobiography ,,of ,a ,,new ,,england ,,farm-,,house4-- do4 #a4ge ,,nepenthe4--,a new novel4 do4 #a4ej ,,together4-- do4 do4 #a4ej ,,lovers ,,and ,,thinkers4--do4 do4 #a4ej ,,poems4--,by ,gay ,h4 ,naramore4 do4 #a4ej ,,gomery ,,of ,,montgomery4--,by ,c4 ,a4 ,washburn4 do4 #b4jj ,,victoire4--,a new novel4 do4 #a4ge ,,poems4--,by ,mrs4 ,sarah ,t4 ,bolton4 do4 #a4ej ,,suppressed ,,book ,,about ,,slavery4-- do4 #b4jj ,,john ,,guilderstring',s ,,sin4--,a novel4 do4 #a4ej ,,centeola4--,by author ,green ,mountain ,boys4 do4 #a4ej ,,red ,,tape ,,and ,,pigeon-,,hole ,,generals4-- do4 #a4ej ,,treatise ,,on ,,deafness4--,by ,dr4 ,e4 ,b4 ,lighthill4 do4 #a4ej ,,around ,,the ,,pyramids4--,by ,gen4 ,aaron ,ward4 do4 #a4ej ,,china ,,and ,,the ,,chinese4--,by ,w4 ,l4 ,g4 ,smith4 do4 #a4ej ,,the ,,yachtman',s ,,primer4--,by ,t4 ,r4 ,warren4 do4 #ej cts4 ,,edgar ,,poe ,,and ,,his ,,critics4--,by ,mrs4 ,whitman4 do4 #a4jj ,,married ,,off4--,illustrated ,satirical ,poem4 do4 #ej cts4 ,,the ,,flying ,,dutchman4--,j4 ,g4 ,saxe1 illustrated4 do4 #ge cts4 ,,alexander ,,von ,,humboldt4--,life and ,travels4 do4 #a4ej ,,life ,,of ,,hugh ,,miller4--,the celebrated geologist4 do4 #a4ej ,,the ,,russian ,,ball4--,illustrated satirical poem4 do4 #ej cts4 ,,the ,,snoblace ,,ball4 do4 do4 do4 do4 #ej cts4 ,,an ,,answer ,,to ,,hugh ,,miller4--,by ,t4 ,a4 ,davies4 do4 #a4ej ,,cosmogony4--,by ,thomas ,a4 ,davies4 #hvo4 cloth1 #b4jj ,,twenty ,,years around the world4 ,j4 ,guy ,vassar4 do4 #c4ge ,,rural ,,architecture4--,by ,m4 ,field1 illustrated4 do4 #b4jj ,illustration