,,marriage  ,,in ,,free ,,society3  ,by 
,edward ,carpenter  #ahid     ,,marriage
     ,i4  ,,of the great mystery of     
human ,love1 and that most intimate     
personal relation of two souls to each  
other--perhaps the firmest1 most basic  
and indissoluble fact 7after our own    
existence7 that we know2 of that strange
 sense--often1 perhaps generally1       
instantaneous--of long precedent        
familiarity and kinship1 that deep      
reliance on and acceptation of another  
in his or her entirety2 of the          
tremendous strength of the chain which  
thus at times will bind two hearts in   
lifelong dedication and devotion1       
persuading and indeed not seldom        
compelling the persons concerned to the 
sacrifice of some of the other elements 
of their lives and characters2 and1     
withal1 of a certain inscrutable        
veiledness from each other which so     
frequently accompanies the relation of  
the opposite sexes1 and which forms at  
once the abiding charm1 and the         

pain--sometimes the tragedy--of their   
union2 of this palpitating winged living
 thing1 which one may perhaps call the  
real ,marriage--,i would say but little2
 for indeed it is only fitting or       
possible to speak of it by indirect     
language and suggestion1 nor may one    
venture to rudely drag it from its      
sanctuary into the light of the common  
gaze4  ,compared with this1 the actual  
marriage1 in its squalid perversity as  
we too often have occasion of knowing   
it1 is as the wretched idol of the      
savage to the reality which it is       
supposed to represent2 and one seems to 
hear the ,aristophanic laughter of the  
gods as they contemplate man's little   
clay image of the ,heavenly             
,love--which1 cracked in the fire of    
daily life1 he is fain to bind together 
with rusty hoops of law1 and parchment  
bands1 lest it should crumble and fall  
to pieces altogether4  ,the whole       
subject1 wide as life itself--as ,heaven
 and ,hell--eludes anything like        

adequate treatment1 and we need make no 
apology for narrowing down our          
considerations here to just a few       
practical points2 and if we cannot      
navigate upward into the very heart of  
the matter--namely1 into the causes     
which make some people love each other  
with a true and perfect love1 and others
 unite in obedience to but a counterfeit
 passion--yet we may fairly1 ,i imagine1
 and with profit1 study some of the     
conditions which give to actual marriage
 its present form1 or which in the      
future are likely to provide real       
affection with a more satisfactory      
expression than it has as a rule to-day4
  ,yet the subject1 even so limited1 is 
one on which it is extremely difficult  
to get a calm audience4 ,marriage       
customs 7however much they may differ   
from race to race7 are at any one time  
and among any one folk remarkably       
tenacious1 being sanctioned by almost a 
violence of public opinion2 and as in   
the case of theology or politics1 their 

mere discussion is liable to infuriate  
people--perhaps from the very fact that 
the subject is so complex and so deeply 
rooted in personal feeling4             
,nevertheless--since alterations have to
 take place in these as in other        
customs1 and since1 as many things      
indicate1 we are moving towards a       
distinct period of change in matters    
matrimonial--it would seem that the more
 rationally we can survey these         
questions beforehand1 the better4  ,it  
will probably be felt that certain      
present difficulties in the             
marriage-relation are not merely casual 
or local1 but are deeply intertwined    
with a long series of historical causes1
 which have led up to that exaggerated  
differentiation1 and consequent         
misunderstanding1 between the sexes1 of 
which we have spoken in a former        
paper499 ,behind the relation of any    
individual man and woman to each other  
stands the historical age-evolved       
relation of the two sexes generally1    

spreading round and enclosing the former
 on all sides1 and creating the social  
environment from which the individuals  
can hardly escape4 ,two young people in 
the present day may come together1 but  
their relation is already largely       
determined by causes over which they    
have no control4       99 ,woman3       
,labour ,press ,society1 ,manchester4   
,as a rule they know but little of each 
other2 society has kept the two sexes   
apart2 the boy and the girl have been   
brought up along different lines2 they  
hardly understand each other's nature2  
their mental interests and occupations  
are different2 and as they grow up their
 worldly interests and advantage are    
seen to be different1 often opposed2    
public opinion separates their spheres  
and their rights and their duties1 and  
their honor and their dishonor99 very   
sharply from each other4 ,the subject of
 sex is a sealed book to the girl2 to   
the youth it is possibly a book whose   
most dismal page has been opened first2 

in either case with its very mention is 
probably connected a painful and        
irrational sense of wickedness4  ,in    
this state of confusion of mind1 of     
mutual misunderstanding1 and often of   
suffering1 the ,sex-glamor suddenly     
descends upon the two individuals and   
drives them into each other's arms4 ,it 
envelopes in a gracious and misty halo  
all their differences and               
misapprehensions4 ,they marry without   
misgiving2 and their hearts overflow    
with gratitude to the white-surpliced   
old gentleman who reads the service over
 them4 ,it is only at a later hour1 and 
with calmer thought1 that they realise  
that it is a life-sentence which he has 
so suavely passed upon them--not        
reducible 7as in the case of ordinary   
convicts7 even to a term of #bj years4  
99 ,see ,webster's ,dictionary1 which   
gives as one of the      meanings of    
,honor1 any particular virtue much      
valued1 as      bravery in men and      
chastity in females4  ,the married life1

 in so strange and casual a way begun1  
or drifted into1 is hardly1 one might   
think1 likely to turn out well4         
,sometimes1 of course1 it does2 but in  
many cases1 perhaps the majority1 there 
follows a painful awakening4 ,a brief   
burst of satisfaction1 accompanied1     
probably through sheer ignorance1 by    
gross neglect of the law of             
transmutation2 satiety on the physical  
plane1 followed by vacuity of affection 
on the higher planes1 and that succeeded
 by boredom1 and even nausea2 the girl1 
full perhaps of a tender emotion1 and   
missing the sympathy and consolation she
 expected in the man's love1 only to    
find its more materialistic side--,this1
 this then is what ,i am wanted for4    
,the man1 who looked for a companion1   
finding he can rouse no mortal interest 
in his wife's mind save in the most     
exasperating trivialities2--whatever the
 cause may be1 a veil has fallen from   
before their faces1 and there they sit1 
held together now by the least honorable

 interests1 the interests which they    
themselves can least respect1 but to    
which ,law and ,religion lend all their 
weight4 ,the monetary dependence of the 
woman1 the mere sex-needs of the man1   
the fear of public opinion1 all form    
motives1 and motives of the meanest     
kind1 for maintaining the seeming tie2  
and the relation of the two hardens down
 into a dull neutrality1 in which lives 
and characters are narrowed and blunted1
 and deceit becomes the common weapon   
which guards divided interests4  ,a sad 
picture6 and of course in this case a   
portrayal deliberately of the seamy side
 of the matter4 ,but who shall make     
light of the agonies often gone through 
in those first few years of married     
life8  ,it may be said--and often of    
course is said--that such cases as these
 only prove that marriage was entered   
into under the influence of a passing   
glamor and delusion1 and that there was 
not much real devotion to begin with4   
,and no doubt there is truth enough in  

such remarks4 ,but--we may say in       
reply--because two young people make a  
mistake in youth1 to condemn them1 for  
that reason1 to lifelong suffering and  
mutual degradation1 or to see them so   
condemned1 without proposing any hope or
 way of deliverance1 but with the one   
word serves you right on the lips1 is a 
course which can commend itself only to 
the grimmest and dullest ,calvinist4    
,whatever safe-guards against a too     
frivolous view of the relationship may  
be proposed by the good sense of society
 in the future1 it is certain that the  
time has gone past when ,marriage can   
continue to be regarded as a            
supernatural institution to whose       
maintenance human bodies and souls must 
be indiscriminately sacrificed2 a       
humaner1 wiser1 and less panic-stricken 
treatment of the subject must set in2   
and if there are difficulties in the way
 they must be met by patient and calm   
consideration of human welfare--superior
 to any law1 however ancient and        

respectable4  ,i take it then that1     
without disguising the fact that the    
question is a complex one1 and that our 
conclusions may be only very tentative1 
we have to consider as rationally as we 
conveniently can1 first1 some of the    
drawbacks or defects of the present     
marriage-customs1 and secondly such     
improvements in these as may suggest    
themselves to us1 and as may seem       
feasible4  ,and if we turn to the       
question of how things stand in the     
present day1 one of the first points to 
strike us--and one that we have already 
touched on in another paper99--is the   
serious want of any special teaching to 
young folk on matters of love and sex1  
and the responsibility resting on       
parents and teachers to supply this     
want4 ,that one ought to distinguish a  
passing sex-spell from a true           
comradeship and devotion is no doubt a  
wise remark1 but that it is often       
difficult1 even for adults1 to do so    
makes it all the more necessary that    

young people should have some rational  
ideas on the subject1 and above all that
 they should get some understanding of  
the nature of that true love which alone
 can make marriage a success4 ,the      
search for a fitting mate1 especially   
among the more sensitive and            
highly-organised types of mankind1 is a 
most complex affair4 ,and it is indeed  
hard that the young man or woman should 
have to set out--as they mostly have to 
do to-day--on this difficult quest      
without a word of suggestion or help1 as
 to the choice of the way or the very   
real perplexites and doubts that beset  
it4       99,sex-,love1 and its place in
 a ,free ,society4 ,labour ,press1      
,manchester4  ,then1 besides this more  
general teaching1 it is also highly     
necessary that those in question should 
have some knowledge of the use and      
guardianship of their own sex-functions4
 ,if the youth and girl whom we have    
supposed as about to be married had been
 brought up in almost any tribe of      

savages1 they would a few years         
previously have gone through regular    
offices of initiation into manhood and  
womanhood1 during which time ceremonies 
7possibly indecent in our eyes7 would at
 any rate have made many                
misapprehensions impossible4 ,as it is1 
the civilised girl is led to the        
'altar2' often in uttermost ignorance   
and misunderstanding as to the nature of
 the sacrificial rites about to be      
consummated4 ,the youth too 7does it not
 seem strange87 has never been taught   
how to use the female in this most      
important moment of their joint lives4  
,perhaps he is unaware that love in the 
female is1 in a sense1 more diffused    
than in the male1 less specially sexual2
 that it dwells longer in caresses and  
embraces1 and determines itself more    
slowly towards the reproductive system4 
,impatient1 he injures and horrifies his
 partner1 and unconsciously perhaps     
aggravates the very hysterical tendency 
which marriage might and should have    

allayed499  ,among the middle and       
well-to-do classes especially1 the      
conditions of high civilisation1 by     
inducing an overfed masculinity in the  
males and a nervous and hysterical      
tendency in the females19999 increase   
the difficulties mentioned2 and it is   
among the 'classes' too that public     
opinion1 largely by repressing the      
utterance and ignoring the existence of 
sex-feeling1 has created the special    
evils of sex-starvation and             
sex-ignorance on the one hand1 and of   
mere licentiousness on the other4       
99 ,it must be remembered too that to   
many women 7though of      course by no 
means a majority7 the thought of ,sex   
brings      little sense of pleasure1   
and the fulfilment of its duties        
constitutes a real1 even though a       
willing1 sacrifice4       9999 ,thus    
,bebel in his book on ,woman speaks of  
the idle and      luxuriant life of so  
many women in the upper classes1 the    
nervous stimulant afforded by exquisite 

perfumes1 the over-      dosing with    
poetry1 music1 the stage--which is      
regarded as      the chief means of     
education1 and is the chief occupation1 
of a sex already suffering from         
hypertrophy of nerves and               
sensibility4  ,among the comparatively  
uncivilised mass of the people1 where a 
good deal of familiarity between the    
sexes exists before marriage1 and where 
indeed marriage not unfrequently follows
 on sex-connection1 these special evils 
are not so prominent4 ,but among the    
masses the crying need for some sensible
 and coherent teaching for the young is 
only too clear2 and it is perhaps among 
the masses that the neglect of the law  
of transmutation works to more evil     
results than among the classes2 since   
among the former--sex-intercourse being 
comparatively accessible1 and obstacles 
to marriage 7from monetary and other    
considerations7 comparatively           
infrequent--the feeling is liable to    
flow far too much along the mere        

physical channels2 and the romance and  
sweet comradeship of love1 especially   
after marriage1 comes too often to be   
replaced by an inert and indeed rather  
brutish sentiment of simple             
juxtaposition4  ,so far with regard to  
difficulties arising from personal      
ignorance or inexperience in youth4 ,but
 stretching beyond and around all these 
are those other difficulties which are  
due to the marked special relation of   
the woman to the man in civilised       
society generally1 and of the man to the
 woman2 and which arise from deep-lying 
historic and economic causes4 ,into the 
large subject of these causes it is not 
necessary to enter here4 ,suffice it to 
say that the difference in physical     
strength between the sexes1 together    
with woman's disability during the      
period of child-birth and rearing1 gave 
man from early times an advantage1 which
 complicating itself during the         
historical period has ultimated 7though 
not of course in the present day only7  

in what may be called the slavery of    
woman1 her subordination to man1 and    
dependence on him for the means of      
subsistence2 the result being that1 till
 a comparatively few years ago1 the     
woman was condemned to the most special 
and indeed narrow sphere of life and    
action2 her education1 as for this      
sphere1 was most limited1 and quite     
different from that of the man2 and her 
interests were wholly diverse from and  
often quite opposed to his4 ,under these
 circumstances there was naturally      
little common ground for ,marriage1     
except sex4 ,and the same remains       
largely true even down to to-day4 ,the  
sex-needs once satisfied1 and the       
emotional charm weakened or undone1 man 
and wife not unfrequently wake up with  
something like dismay to find how little
 they have left in common2 to find that 
they have nothing in which they can take
 interest together2 that they cannot    
work at the same things1 that they      
cannot read the same books1 that they   

cannot keep up half-an-hour's           
conversation together on any topic1 and 
that secretly they are cherishing their 
own thoughts and projects quite apart   
from each other4  ,it must suffice too  
to remind the reader quite briefly that 
this divergence has crept deep down into
 the moral and intellectual natures of  
the two sexes1 exaggerating the         
naturally complementary relation of the 
male and female into a painful          
caricature of strength on the one hand  
and dependence on the other4 ,this is   
well seen in the ordinary               
marriage-relation of the                
common-prayer-book type4 ,the frail and 
delicate female is supposed to cling    
round the sturdy husband's form1 or to  
depend from his arm in graceful         
incapacity2 and the spectator is called 
upon to admire the charming effect of   
the union--as of the ivy with the       
oak--forgetful of the terrible moral1   
namely1 that 7in the case of the trees  
at any rate7 it is really a             

death-struggle which is going on1 in    
which either the oak must perish        
suffocated in the embraces of its       
partner1 or in order to free the former 
into anything like healthy development  
the ivy must be sacrificed4  ,too often 
of course of such marriages the egoism1 
lordship and physical satisfaction of   
the man are the chief motive causes4    
,the woman is practically sacrificed to 
the part of the maintenance of these    
male virtues4 ,it is for her to spend   
her days in little forgotten details of 
labor and anxiety for the sake of the   
man's superior comfort and importance1  
to give up her needs to his whims1 to   
'humour' him in all ways she can2 it is 
for her to wipe her mind clear of all   
opinions in order that she may hold it  
up as a kind of mirror in which he may  
behold reflected his lordly self2 and it
 is for her to sacrifice even her       
physical health and natural instincts in
 deference to what is called her 'duty' 
to her husband4  ,how bitterly alone    

many such a woman feels6 ,she has       
dreamed of being folded in the arms of a
 strong man1 and surrendering herself1  
her life1 her mind1 her all1 to his     
service4 ,of course it is an unhealthy  
dream1 an illusion1 a mere luxury of    
love2 and it is destined to be dashed4  
,she has to learn that self-surrender   
may be just as great a crime as         
self-assertion4 ,she finds that her very
 willingness to be sacrificed only      
fosters in the man1 perhaps for his own 
self-defence1 the egotism and coldness  
that so cruelly wound her4  ,for how    
often does he with keen prevision see   
that if he gives way from his coldness  
the clinging dependent creature will    
infallibly overgrow and smother         
him6--that she will cut her             
woman-friends1 will throw aside all her 
own interests and pursuits in order to  
'devote' herself to him1 and1 affording 
no sturdy character of her own in which 
he can take any interest1 will hang the 
festoons of her affection on every      

ramification of his wretched life--nor  
leave him a corner free--till he        
perishes from all manhood and social or 
heroic uses into a mere matrimonial     
clothespeg1 a warning and a wonderment  
to passers by6  ,however1 as a third    
alternative1 it sometimes happens that  
the ,woman1 too wise to sacrifice her   
own life indiscriminately to the egoism 
of her husband1 and not caring for the  
'festoon' method1 adopts the middle     
course of appearing to minister to him  
while really pursuing her own purposes4 
,she cultivates the gentle science of   
indirectness4 ,while holding up a mirror
 for the ,man to admire himself in1     
behind that mirror she goes her own way 
and carries out her own designs1        
separate from him2 and while sacrificing
 her body to his wants1 she does so     
quite deliberately and for a definite   
reason1 namely1 because she has found   
out that she can so get a shelter for   
herself and her children1 and can solve 
the problem of that maintenance which   

society has hitherto denied to her in   
her own right4 ,for indeed by a cruel   
fate women have been placed in exactly  
that position where the sacrifice of    
their self-respect for base motives has 
easily passed beyond a temptation into  
being a necessity4 ,they have had to    
live1 and have too often only been able 
to do so by selling themselves into     
bondage to the man4 ,willing or         
unwilling1 overworked or dying1 they    
have had to bear children to the caprice
 of their lords2 and in this serf-life  
their very natures have been blunted2   
they have lost--what indeed should be   
the very glory and crown of woman's     
being--the perfect freedom and the      
purity of their love4  ,at this whole   
spectacle of woman's degradation the    
human male has looked on with stupid and
 open-mouthed indifference--as an ox    
might look on at a drowning oxherd--not 
even dimly divining that his own fate   
was somehow involved4 ,he has calmly and
 obliviously watched the woman drift    

farther and farther away from him1 till 
at last1 with the loss of an intelligent
 and mutual understanding between the   
sexes1 ,love with unequal wings has     
fallen lamed to the ground4 ,yet it     
would be idle to deny that even in such 
a state of affairs as that depicted1 men
 and women have in the past and do often
 even now find some degree of           
satisfaction--simply indeed because     
their types of character are such as    
belong to1 and have been evolved in     
accordance with1 this relation4         
,to-day1 however1 there are thousands of
 women--and everyday more thousands--to 
whom such a lopsided alliance is        
detestable2 who are determined that they
 will no longer endure the arrogant     
lordship and egoism of men1 nor         
countenance in themselves or other women
 the craft and servility which are the  
necessary complements of the relation2  
who see too clearly in the oak-and-ivy  
marriage its parasitism on the one hand 
and strangulation on the other to be    

sensible of any picturesqueness2 who    
feel too that they have capacities and  
powers of their own which need space and
 liberty1 and some degree of sympathy   
and help1 for their unfolding2 and who  
believe that they have work to do in the
 world1 as important in its own way as  
any that men do in theirs4 ,such women  
have broken into open warfare--not      
against marriage1 but against a marriage
 which makes true and equal love an     
impossibility4 ,they feel that as long  
as women are economically dependent they
 cannot stand up for themselves and     
insist on those rights which men from   
stupidity and selfishness will not      
voluntarily grant them4  ,on the other  
hand there are thousands--and one would 
hope every day more thousands--of men   
who 7whatever their forerunners may have
 thought7 do not desire or think it     
delightful to have a glass continually  
held up for them to admire themselves   
in2 who look for a partner in whose life
 and pursuits they can find some        

interest1 rather than for one who has no
 interest but in them2 who think perhaps
 that they would rather minister than be
 7like a monkey fed with nuts in a cage7
 the melancholy object of another       
person's ministrations2 and who at any  
rate feel that love1 in order to be love
 at all1 must be absolutely open and    
sincere1 and free from any sentiment of 
dependence or inequality4 ,they see that
 the present cramped condition of women 
is not only the cause of the false      
relation between the sexes1 but that it 
is the fruitful source--through its     
debarment of any common interests--of   
that fatal boredom of which we have     
spoken1 and which is the bugbear of     
marriage2 and they would gladly         
surrender all of that masterhood and    
authority which is supposed to be their 
due1 if they could only get in return   
something like a frank and level        
comradeship4  ,thus while we see in the 
present inequality of the sexes an      
undoubted source of marriage troubles   

and unsatisfactory alliances1 we see    
also forces at work which are tending to
 reaction1 and to bringing the two      
nearer again to each other--so that     
while differentiated they will not      
perhaps in the future be quite so much  
differentiated as now1 but only to a    
degree which will enhance and adorn1    
instead of destroy1 their sense of      
mutual sympathy4  ,there is another     
point which ought to be considered as   
contributing to the ill-success of many 
marriages1 and which no doubt is closely
 connected with that just discussed--but
 which deserves separate treatment4 ,i  
mean the harshness of the line which    
social opinion 7at any rate in this     
country7 draws round the married pair   
with respect to their relations to      
outsiders4 ,on the one hand1 and within 
the matrimonial relation1 society allows
 practically the utmost passional excess
 or indulgence1 and condones it2 on the 
other hand 7,i am speaking of the       
middling bulk of the people1 not of the 

extreme aristocratic and slum classes7  
beyond that limit1 the slightest        
familiarity1 or any expression of       
affection which might by any possibility
 be interpreted as deriving from sexual 
feeling1 is sternly anathematised4      
,marriage1 by a kind of absurd fiction1 
is represented as an oasis situated in  
the midst of an arid desert--in which   
latter1 it is pretended1 neither of the 
two parties is so fortunate as to find  
any objects of real affectional         
interest4 ,if they do they have         
carefully to conceal the same from the  
other party4  ,the result of this       
convention is obvious enough4 ,the      
married pair1 thus driven as well as    
drawn into closest continual contact    
with each other1 are put through an     
ordeal which might well cause the       
stoutest affection to quail4 ,not only1 
as already pointed out1 have the man and
 the wife too few joint interests in the
 great world1 few common plans1         
projects1 purposes1 'causes1'           

recreations2 but--by this insistance of 
public opinion--all outside interests of
 a personal nature1 except of the most  
abstract kind1 are also debarred2 if    
there happens to be any natural jealousy
 in the case it is heightened and made  
the more imperative2 and unless the     
contracting parties are fortunate enough
 to be1 both of them1 of such a         
temperament that they are capable of    
strong attachments to persons of their  
own sex--and this does not always       
exclude jealousy--they must be condemned
 to have no intimate friendships of any 
kind except what they can find at their 
own fireside4  ,it is necessary here to 
point out1 not only how dull a place    
this makes the home1 but also how       
narrowing it acts on the lives of the   
married pair4 ,however appropriate the  
union may be in itself it cannot be good
 that it should degenerate--as it tends 
to degenerate so often1 and where man   
and wife are most faithful to each      
other1 into a mere goisme  deux4 ,and   

right enough no doubt as a great number 
of such unions actually are1 it must be 
confessed that the bourgeois marriage as
 a rule1 and just in its most successful
 and pious and respectable form1 carries
 with it an odious sense of ,stuffiness 
and narrowness1 moral and intellectual2 
and that the type of ,family which it   
provides is too often like that which is
 disclosed when on turning over a large 
stone we disturb an insect4 ,home that  
seldom sees the light4  ,but in cases   
where the marriage does not happen to be
 particularly successful or             
unsuccessful1 when perhaps a true but   
not overpoweringly intense affection is 
satiated at a needlessly early stage by 
the continual and unrelieved impingement
 of the two personalities on each other1
 then the boredom resulting is something
 frightful to contemplate--and all the  
more so because of the genuine affection
 behind it1 which contemplates with     
horror its own suicide4 ,the weary      
couples that may be seen at seaside     

places and pleasure resorts--the        
respectable working-man with his wife   
trailing along by his side1 or the      
highly respectable stock-jobber         
arm-in-arm with his better and larger   
half--their blank faces1 utter want of  
any common topic of conversation which  
has not been exhausted a thousand times 
already1 and their obvious relief when  
the hour comes which will take them back
 to their several and divided           
occupations--these illustrate           
sufficiently what ,i mean4 ,the curious 
thing is that jealousy 7accentuated as  
it is by social opinion7 sometimes      
increases in exact proportion to mutual 
boredom2 and there are thousands of     
cases of married couples leading a      
cat-and-dog life1 and knowing that they 
weary each other to distraction1 who for
 that very reason dread all the more to 
lose sight of each other1 and thus never
 get a chance of that holiday from their
 own society1 and renewal of outside    
interests1 which would make a genuine   

affectional association possible4  ,thus
 the sharpness of the line which society
 draws around the pair1 and the kind of 
fatal snap-of-the-lock with which       
marriage suddenly cuts them off from the
 world1 not only precluding the two1 as 
might fairly be thought advisable1 from 
sexual1 but also barring any openly     
affectional relations with outsiders1   
and corroborating the selfish sense of  
monopoly which each has in the          
other1--these things lead inevitably to 
the narrowing down of lives and the     
blunting of general human interests1 to 
intense mutual ennui1 and when 7as an   
escape from these evils7 outside        
relations are covertly indulged in1 to  
prolonged and systematic deceit4  ,from 
all which the only conclusion seems to  
be that marriage must be either alive or
 dead4 ,as a dead thing it can of course
 be petrified into a hard and fast      
formula1 but if it is to be a living    
bond1 that living bond must be trusted  
to1 to hold the lovers together2 nor be 

too forcibly stiffened and contracted by
 private jealousy and public censorship1
 lest the thing that it would preserve  
for us perish so1 and cease altogether  
to be beautiful4 ,it is the same with   
this as with everything else4 ,if we    
would have a living thing1 we must give 
that thing some degree of liberty--even 
though liberty bring with it risk4 ,if  
we would debar all liberty and all risk1
 then we can have only the mummy and    
dead husk of the thing4  ,thus far ,i   
have had the somewhat invidious task1   
but perhaps necessary as a preliminary  
one1 of dwelling on the defects and     
drawbacks of the present marriage       
system4 ,i am sensible that1 with due   
discretion1 some things might have been 
said1 which have not been said1 in its  
praise2 its successful1 instead of its  
unsuccessful1 instances might have been 
cited2 and taking for granted the       
dependence of women1 and other points   
which have already been sufficiently    
discussed--it might have been possible  

to show that the bourgeois arrangement  
was on the whole as satisfactory as     
could be expected4 ,but such a course   
would neither have been sincere1 nor    
have served any practical purpose4 ,in  
view of the actually changing relations 
between the sexes1 it is obvious that   
changes in the form of the marriage     
institution are impending1 and the      
questions which are really pressing on  
folks' mind are3 ,what are those changes
 going to be2 and1 ,of what kind do we  
wish them to be8  ,in answer to the last
 question it is not improbable that the 
casual reader might suppose the writer  
of these pages to be in favor of a      
general and indiscriminate loosening of 
all ties--for indeed it is always easy  
to draw a large inference even from a   
careful expression4  ,but such a        
conclusion would be rash4 ,there is     
little doubt1 ,i think1 that the        
compulsion of the marriage-tie 7whether 
moral1 social1 or merely legal7 acts    
beneficially in a considerable number of

 cases--though it is obvious that the   
more the compelling force takes a moral 
or social form and the less purely legal
 it is1 the better2 and that any changes
 which led to a cheap and continual     
transfer of affections from one object  
to another would be disastrous both to  
the character and happiness of a        
population4 ,while we are bound to see  
that the marriage-relation--in order to 
become the indwelling-place of          
,love--must be made far more free than  
it is at present1 we may also recognise 
that a certain amount of external       
pressure is not 7as things are at least7
 without its uses3 that1 for instance1  
it tends on the whole to concentrate    
affectional experience and romance on   
one object1 and that though this may    
mean a loss at times in breadth it means
 a gain in depth and intensity2 that1 in
 many cases1 if it were not for some    
kind of bond1 the two parties1 after    
their first passion for each other was  
past1 and when the unavoidable period of

 friction had set in1 might in a moment 
of irritation easily fly apart1 whereas 
being forced for a while to tolerate    
each other's defects they learn thereby 
one of the best lessons of life--a      
tender forbearance and gentleness1 which
 as time goes on does not unfrequently  
deepen again into a more pure and       
perfect love even than at first--a love 
founded indeed on the first physical    
intimacy1 but concentrated and          
intensified by years of linked          
experience1 of twined associations1 of  
shared labors1 and of mutual            
forgiveness2 and in the third place that
 the existence of a distinct tie or     
pledge discredits the easily-current    
idea that mere pleasure-seeking is to be
 the object of the association of the   
sexes--a phantasmal and delusive notion1
 which if it once got its head1 and the 
bit between its teeth1 might soon dash  
the car of human advance in ruin to the 
ground4  ,but having said thus much1 it 
is obvious that external public opinion 

and pressure are looked upon only as    
having an educational value2 and the    
question arises whether there is beneath
 this any reality of marriage which will
 ultimately emerge and make itself felt1
 enabling men and women to order their  
relations to each other1 and to walk    
freely1 unhampered by props or pressures
 from without4  ,and it would hardly be 
worth while writing on this subject1 if 
one did not believe in some such        
reality4 ,practically ,i do not doubt   
that the more people think about these  
matters1 and the more experience they   
have1 the more they must ever come to   
feel that there is such a thing as a    
permanent and life-long union--perhaps a
 many-life-long union--founded on some  
deep elements of attachment and         
congruity in character2 and the more    
they must come to prize the constancy   
and loyalty which rivets such unions1 in
 comparison with the fickle passion     
which tends to dissipate them4  ,in all 
men who have reached a certain grade of 

evolution1 and certainly in almost all  
women1 the deep rousing of the sexual   
nature carries with it a romance and    
tender emotional yearning towards the   
object of affection1 which lasts on and 
is not forgotten1 even when the sexual  
attraction has ceased to be strongly    
felt4 ,this1 in favorable cases1 forms  
the basis of what may almost be called  
an amalgamated personality4 ,that there 
should exist one other person in the    
world towards whom all openness of      
interchange should establish itself1    
from whom there should be no            
concealment2 whose body should be as    
dear to one1 in every part1 as one's    
own2 with whom there should be no sense 
of ,mine or ,thine1 in property or      
possession2 into whose mind one's       
thoughts should naturally flow1 as it   
were to know themselves and to receive a
 new illumination2 and between whom and 
oneself there should be a spontaneous   
rebound of sympathy in all the joys and 
sorrows and experiences of life2 such is

 perhaps one of the dearest wishes of   
the soul4 ,it is obvious however that   
this state of affairs cannot be reached 
at a single leap1 but must be the       
gradual result of years of intertwined  
memory and affection4 ,for such a union 
,love must lay the foundation1 but      
patience and gentle consideration and   
self-control must work unremittingly to 
perfect the structure4 ,at length each  
lover comes to know the complexion of   
the other's mind1 the wants1 bodily and 
mental1 the needs1 the regrets1 the     
satisfactions of the other1 almost as   
his or her own--and without prejudice in
 favor of self rather than in favor of  
the other2 above all1 both parties come 
to know in course of time1 and after    
perhaps some doubts and trials1 that the
 great want1 the great need1 which holds
 them together1 is not going to fade    
away into thin air1 but is going to     
become stronger and more indefeasible as
 the years go on4 ,there falls a sweet1 
an irresistible1 trust over their       

relation to each other1 which           
consecrates as it were the double life1 
making both feel that nothing can now   
divide2 and robbing each of all desire  
to remain1 when death has indeed 7or at 
least in outer semblance7 removed the   
other499       ,it is curious that the  
early ,church ,service had ,till        
death us depart--but in #affa this was  
altered to ,till      death us do part4 
,so perfect and gracious a union--even  
if not always realised--is still1 ,i    
say1 the bon fide desire of most of     
those who have ever thought about such  
matters4 ,it obviously yields far more  
and more enduring joy and satisfaction  
in life than any number of frivolous    
relationships4 ,it commends itself to   
the common sense1 so to speak1 of the   
modern mind--and does not require1 for  
its proof1 the artificial authority of  
,church and ,state4 ,at the same time it
 is equally evident--and a child could  
understand this--that it requires some  
rational forbearance and self-control   

for its realisation1 and it is quite    
intelligible too1 as already said1 that 
there may be cases in which a little    
outside pressure1 of social opinion1 or 
even actual law1 may be helpful for the 
supplementing or re-inforcement of the  
weak personal self-control of those     
concerned4  ,the modern ,monogamic      
,marriage however1 certified and        
sanctioned by ,church and ,state1 though
 apparently directed to this ideal1 has 
for the most part fallen short of it4   
,for in constituting--as in a vast      
number of cases--a union resting on     
nothing but the outside pressure of     
,church and ,state1 it constituted a    
thing obviously and by its nature bad   
and degrading2 while in its more        
successful instances by a too great     
exclusiveness it has condemned itself to
 a fatal narrowness and stuffiness4     
,looking back to the historical and     
physiological aspects of the question it
 might of course be contended--and      
probably with some truth--that the human

 male is1 by his nature and needs1      
polygamous4 ,nor is it necessary to     
suppose that polygamy in certain        
countries and races is by any means so  
degrading or unsuccessful an institution
 as some folk would have it to be499    
,but1 as ,letourneau in his ,evolution  
of ,marriage points out1 the progress of
 society in the past has on the whole   
been from confusion to distinction2 and 
we may fairly suppose that with the     
progress of our own race 7for each race 
no doubt has its special genius in such 
matters71 and as the spiritual and      
emotional sides of man develop in       
relation to the physical1 there is      
probably a tendency for our deeper      
alliances to become more unitary4       
,though it might be said that the       
growing complexity of man's nature would
 be likely to lead him into more rather 
than fewer relationships1 yet on the    
other hand it is obvious that as the    
depth and subtlety of any attachment    
that will really hold him increases1 so 

does such attachment become more        
permanent and durable1 and less likely  
to be realised in a number of persons4  
,woman1 on the other hand1 cannot be    
said to be by her physical nature       
polyandrous as man is polygynous4       
,though of course there are plenty of   
examples of women living in a state of  
polyandry both among savage and         
civilised peoples1 yet her more limited 
sexual needs1 and her long periods of   
gestation1 render one mate physically   
sufficient for her2 while her more      
clinging affectional nature perhaps     
accentuates her capacity of absorption  
in the one4       99 ,see ,r4 ,f4       
,burton's ,pilgrimage to ,el-,medinah   
and ,meccah1      ch4 xxiv4 ,he says    
however ,as far as my limited           
observations      go polyandry is the   
only state of society in which jealousy 
and quarrels about the sex are the      
exception and not the      rule of life6
  ,in both man and woman then we may say
 that we find a distinct tendency       

towards the formation of this double    
unit of wedded life 7,i hardly like to  
use the word ,monogamy on account of its
 sad associations7--and while we do not 
want to stamp such natural unions with  
any false irrevocability or dogmatic    
exclusiveness1 what we do want is a     
recognition to-day of the tendency to   
their formation as a natural fact1      
independent of any artificial laws1 just
 as one might believe in the natural    
bias of two atoms of certain different  
chemical substances to form a permanent 
compound atom or molecule4 ,such unions 
as that depicted a page or two back1    
built up by patient and loving care over
 a long stretch of years1 and becoming  
at last in a sense impregnable1 do1 we  
maintain1 by their actual growth and    
evolution exemplify this tendency4  ,it 
might not be so very difficult to get   
quite young people to understand        
this--to understand that even though    
they might have to contend with some    
superfluity of passion in early years1  

yet that the most permanent and most    
deeply-rooted desire within them will in
 all probability lead them at last to   
find their complete happiness and       
self-fulfilment only in a close union   
with a life-mate2 and that towards this 
end they must be prepared to use        
self-control to prevent the aimless     
straying of their passions1 and patience
 and tenderness towards the realisation 
of the union when its time comes4       
,probably most youths and girls1 at the 
age of romance1 would easily appreciate 
this position2 and it would bring to    
them a much more effective and natural  
idea of the sacredness of ,marriage than
 they ever get from the artificial      
thunder of the ,church and the ,state on
 the subject4  ,no doubt the suggestion 
of the mere possibility of any added    
freedom of choice and experience in the 
relations of the sexes will be very     
alarming to some people--but it is so1  
,i think1 not because they are at all   
ignorant that men already take to       

themselves considerable latitude1 and   
that a distinct part of the undoubted   
evils that accompany that latitude      
springs from the fact that it is not    
recognised2 not because they are        
ignorant that a vast number of          
respectable women and girls suffer      
frightful calamities and anguish by     
reason of the utter inexperience of sex 
in which they are brought up and have to
 live2 but because such good people     
assume that any the least loosening of  
the formal barriers between the sexes   
must mean 7and must be meant to mean7 an
 utter dissolution of all ties1 and the 
reign of mere licentiousness4 ,they are 
convinced that nothing but the most     
unyielding and indeed exasperating      
straight-jacket can save society from   
madness and ruin4  ,to such folk the    
appearance of our child--the real       
,marriage--now presented for their      
consideration 7not without some care it 
must be admitted1 as to the smoothing of
 its hair and pinafore1 and the trimming

 of its naughty little nails7 will be   
strangely disquieting4 ,accustomed to   
look on human nature as essentially bad1
 and on ,law and ,convention as the only
 things that restrain it from wild      
excess1 it will be hard for them to     
believe that there is any formative     
principle of decent life in the         
apparition before them4 ,we are however 
prepared to contend that1 appearances or
 prejudices notwithstanding there is a  
heart of goodness in the young thing2   
and that1 anyhow1 whatever we may think 
or wish1 it is here already and among   
us1 and that practically what we have to
 do is to consider how it can best be   
made to grow up into a useful member of 
society4  ,in fact1 and to leave        
metaphor2 when after quietly looking all
 round the subject we have satisfied    
ourselves that the formation of a mere  
or less permanent double unit is--for   
our race and time--on the whole the     
natural and ascendant law of sex-union1 
slowly and with whatever exceptions     

establishing and enforcing itself       
independently of any artificial         
enactments that exist1 then we shall not
 feel called upon to tear our hair or   
rend our garments at the prospect of    
added freedom for the operation of this 
force1 but shall rather be anxious to   
consider how it may best be freed and   
given room for development and growth to
 its most perfect use in the social     
order4 ,and it will probably seem to us 
7looking back to the earlier part of    
this paper7 that the points which most  
need consideration1 as means to this    
end1 are 7#a7 the furtherance of the    
freedom and self-dependence of women2   
7#b7 the provision of some rational     
teaching1 of heart and of head1 for both
 sexes during the period of youth2 7#c7 
the recognition in marriage itself of a 
freer1 more companionable1 and less     
pettily exclusive relationship2 and 7#d7
 the abrogation or modification of the  
present odious law which binds people   
together for life1 without scruple1 and 

in the most artificial and ill-assorted 
unions4  ,it must be admitted that the  
first point 7#a7 is of basic importance4
 ,as true ,freedom cannot be without    
,love1 so true ,love cannot be without  
,freedom4 ,you cannot truly give        
yourself to another1 unless you are     
master or mistress of yourself to begin 
with4 ,not only has the general custom  
of the self-dependence and              
self-ownership of women to be gradually 
introduced1 but the ,law has to be      
altered in a variety of cases where it  
lags behind the public conscience in    
these matters--as in actual marriage1   
where it still leaves woman uncertain as
 to her rights over her own body1 or in 
politics1 where it still denies to her a
 voice in the framing of the laws which 
are to bind her4 ,and beyond this1 since
 in the modern industrial-commercial    
,state all ,freedom has to be largely   
based on industrial and monetary        
freedom1 it is obviously of paramount   
necessity that woman should have liberal

 access to professional spheres and the 
means of securing her own independent   
monetary position through ordinary      
industrial channels4 ,whatever the      
future may bring about in the way of a  
changed social order and a consequently 
changed basis for woman's independence1 
it is clear that as things are now1 and 
for a long time yet1 her real freedom   
can only be secured through her command1
 even in the face of man1 of the        
ordinary resources of the wage-earner4  
,with regard to 7#b7 hardly any one at  
this time of day would seriously doubt  
the desirability of giving adequate     
teaching to boys and girls4 ,that is a  
point on which we have sufficiently     
touched1 and which need not be farther  
discussed here4 ,but beyond this it is  
important1 and especially perhaps1 as   
things stand now1 for girls--that each  
youth or girl should personally see     
enough of the other sex at an early     
period to be able to form some kind of  
judgment of his or her relation to that 

sex and to sex-matters generally4 ,it is
 monstrous that the first case of       
sex-glamor--the true nature of which    
would be exposed by a little            
experience--should1 perhaps for two     
people1 decide the destinies of a       
life-time4 ,yet the more the sexes are  
kept apart1 the more overwhelming does  
this glamor become1 and the more        
ignorance is there1 on either side1 as  
to its nature4 ,no doubt it is one of   
the great advantages of co-education of 
the sexes1 that it tends to diminish    
these evils4 ,co-education1 games and   
sports to some extent in common1 and the
 doing away with the absurd superstition
 that because ,corydon and ,phyllis     
happen to kiss each other sitting on a  
gate1 therefore they must live together 
all their lives1 would soon mend matters
 considerably4 ,nor would a reasonable  
familiarity between the sexes in        
youth--tempered1 as it would be1 by     
previous education and by the subsidence
 of the blind passion--necessarily mean 

an increase of casual or clandestine    
sex-relations4 ,but even if casualties  
of this kind did occur they would not be
 the fatal and unpardonable sins that   
they now at least for girls--are        
considered to be4 ,though the           
recognition of anything like common     
pre-matrimonial sex-intercourse would   
probably be foreign to the temper of a  
northern nation2 yet it is open to      
question whether ,society here1 in its  
mortal and fetichistic dread of the     
thing1 has not1 by keeping the young of 
both sexes in ignorance and darkness and
 seclusion from each other1 created     
worse ills and suffering than it has    
prevented1 and whether it has not indeed
 intensified the particular evil that it
 dreaded1 rather than abated it4  ,in   
the next place 7#c7 we come to the      
establishment in marriage itself of a   
freer and broader and more healthy      
relationship than generally exists at   
the present time4 ,attractive as the    
ideal of the exclusive attachment is1 it

 runs the fatal risk1 as we have already
 pointed out1 of lapsing into a mere    
stagnant double selfishness4 ,but1 in   
this world1 ,love is fed not by what it 
takes1 but by what it gives2 and the    
very excellent dual love of man and wife
 must be fed also by the love they give 
to others4 ,if they cannot come out of  
their secluded haven to reach a hand to 
others1 or even to give some boon of    
affection to those who need it more than
 themselves1 or if they mistrust each   
other in doing so1 then assuredly they  
are not very well fitted to live        
together4  ,a marriage1 so free1 so     
spontaneous1 that it would allow of wide
 excursions of the pair from each other1
 in common or even in separate objects  
of work and interest1 and yet would hold
 them all the time in the bond of       
absolute sympathy1 would by its very    
freedom be all the more poignantly      
attractive1 and by its very scope and   
breadth all the richer and more         
vital--would be in a sense              

indestructible2 like the relation of two
 suns which1 revolving in fluent and    
rebounding curves1 only recede from each
 other in order to return again with    
renewed swiftness into close            
proximity--and which together blend     
their rays into the glory of one cosmic 
double star4  ,it has been the inability
 to see or understand this very simple  
truth that has largely contributed to   
the failure of the ,monogamie union4    
,the narrow physical passion of         
jealousy1 the petty sense of private    
property in another person1 social      
opinion1 and legal enactments1 have all 
converged to choke and suffocate wedded 
love in egoism1 lust1 and meanness4 ,but
 surely it is not very difficult 7for   
those who believe in the real thing7 to 
imagine so sincere and natural a trust  
between man and wife that neither would 
be greatly alarmed at the other's       
friendship with a third person1 nor     
conclude at once that it meant mere     
infidelity--or difficult even to imagine

 that such a friendship might be hailed 
as a gain by both parties4 ,and if it is
 quite impossible 7to some people7 to   
see in such intimacies anything but a   
confusion of all sex-relations and a    
chaos of mere animal desire1 we can only
 reply that this view of the situation  
is probably one that arises greatly out 
of the present marriage system1 and the 
modes of thought which it engenders--and
 that anyhow the difficulty to which it 
refers is likely to be guarded against  
better by candor and a little common    
sense than by hysterics and deception4  
,in order to suppose a rational marriage
 at all one must credit the parties     
concerned with some modicum of common   
sense and self-control4  ,withal1 seeing
 the remarkable and immense variety of  
love in human nature1 when the feeling  
is really touched--how the love-offering
 of one person's soul and body is       
entirely different from that of another 
person's1 so much so as almost to       
require another name--how one passion is

 predominantly physical1 and another    
predominantly emotional1 and another    
contemplative1 or spiritual1 or         
practical1 or sentimental2 how in one   
case it is jealous and exclusive1 and in
 another hospitable and free1 and so    
forth--it seems rash to lay down any    
very hard and fast general laws for the 
marriage-relation1 or to insist that a  
real and honorable affection can only   
exist under this or that special form4  
,it is probably through this fact of the
 variety of love that it does remain    
possible1 in some cases1 for married    
people to have intimacies with          
outsiders1 and yet to remain perfectly  
true to each other2 and in rare         
instances1 for triune and other such    
relations to be permanently maintained4 
,we now come to the last consideration1 
namely 7#d7 the modification of the     
present law of marriage4 ,it is pretty  
clear that people will not much longer  
consent to pledge themselves irrevocably
 for life as at present4 ,and indeed    

there are already plentiful indications 
of a growing change of practice4 ,the   
more people come to recognise the       
sacredness and naturalness of the real  
union1 the less will they be willing to 
bar themselves from this by a life-long 
and artificial contract made in their   
salad days4 ,hitherto the great bulwark 
of the existing institution has been the
 dependence of ,women1 which has given  
each woman a direct and most material   
interest in keeping up the supposed     
sanctity of the bond--and which has     
prevented a man of any generosity from  
proposing an alteration which would have
 the appearance of freeing himself at   
the cost of the woman2 but as this fact 
of the dependence of women gradually    
dissolves out1 and as the great fact of 
the spiritual nature of the true        
,marriage crystalises into more         
clearness--so will the formal bonds     
which bar the formation of the latter   
gradually break away and become of small
 import4  ,love when felt at all deeply 

has an element of transcendentalism in  
it1 which makes it the most natural     
thing in the world for the two          
lovers--even though drawn together by a 
passing sex-attraction--to swear eternal
 troth to each other2 but there is      
something quite diabolical and          
mephistophelean in the practice of the  
,law1 which creeping up behind1 as it   
were1 at this critical moment1 and      
overhearing the two thus pledging       
themselves1 claps its book together with
 a triumphant bang1 and exclaims3 ,there
 now you are married and done for1 for  
the rest of your natural lives4  ,what  
actual changes in ,law and ,custom the  
collective sense of society will bring  
about is a matter which in its detail we
 cannot of course foresee or determine4 
,but that the drift will be1 and must   
be1 towards greater freedom is pretty   
clear4 ,ideally speaking it is plain    
that anything like a perfect union must 
have perfect freedom for its condition2 
and while it is quite supposable that a 

lover might out of the fulness of his   
heart make promises and give pledges1 it
 is really almost inconceivable that    
anyone having that delicate and proud   
sense which marks deep feeling1 could   
possibly demand a promise from his loved
 one4 ,as there is undoubtedly a certain
 natural reticence in sex1 so perhaps   
the most decent thing in true ,marriage 
would be to say nothing1 make no        
promises--either for a year or a        
lifetime4 ,promises are bad at any time1
 and when the heart is full silence     
befits it best4 ,practically1 however1  
since a love of this kind is slow to be 
realised1 since social custom is slow to
 change1 and since the partial          
dependence and slavery of ,woman must   
yet for a while continue1 it is likely  
for such period that formal contracts of
 some kind will still be made2 only     
these 7it may be hoped7 will lose their 
irrevocable and rigid character1 and    
become in some degree adapted to the    
needs of the contracting parties4  ,such

 contracts might of course1 if adopted1 
be very very various in respect to      
conjugal rights1 conditions of          
termination1 division of property1      
responsibility for and rights over      
children1 etc4 ,in some cases99 they    
might be looked upon as preliminary to a
 more permanent alliance to be made     
later on2 in others they would provide  
for disastrous marriages1 a remedy free 
from the inordinate scandals of the     
present ,divorce ,courts4 ,it may       
however be said that rather than adopt  
any new system of contracts1 public     
opinion in this country would tend to a 
simple facilitation of ,divorce1 and    
that if the latter were made 7with due  
provision for the children7 to depend on
 mutual consent1 it would become little 
more than an affair of registration1 and
 the scandals of the proceeding would be
 avoided4 ,in any case we think that    
marriage-contracts1 if existing at all1 
must tend more and more to become       
matters of private arrangement as far as

 the relations of husband and wife are  
concerned1 and that this is likely to   
happen in proportion as woman becomes   
more free1 and therefore more competent 
to act in her own right4 ,it would be   
felt intolerable1 in any decently       
constituted society1 that the old       
blunderbuss of the ,law should interfere
 in the delicate relations of wedded    
life4 ,as it is to-day the situation is 
most absurd4 ,on the one hand1 having   
been constituted from times back in     
favor of the male1 the ,law still gives 
to the husband barbarous rights over the
 person of his spouse2 on the other     
hand1 to compensate for this1 it rushes 
in with the farcicalities of ,breach of 
,promise2 and in any case1 having once  
pronounced its benediction over a       
pair--however hateful the alliance may  
turn out to be to both parties1 and     
however obvious its failure to the whole
 world--the stupid old thing blinks     
owlishly on at its own work1 and        
professes itself totally unable to undo 

the knot which once it tied6       99   
,as suggested by ,mrs4 ,h4 ,ellis in her
 pamphlet ,a ,noviciate      for        
,marriage4  ,the only point where there 
is a permanent ground for               
,state-interference--and where indeed   
there is no doubt that the public       
authority should in some way make itself
 felt--is in the matter of the children 
resulting from any alliance4 ,here the  
relation of the pair ceases to be       
private and becomes social2 and the     
interests of the child itself1 and of   
the nation whose future citizen the     
child is1 have to be safe-guarded4 ,any 
contracts1 or any proposals of divorce1 
before they could be sanctioned by the  
public authority1 would have to contain 
satisfactory provisions for the care and
 maintenance of the children in such    
casualties as might ensue2 nor ought    
there to be maintained any legal        
distinction between 'natural' and       
'legitimate' children1 since it is clear
 that whatever individuals or society at

 large may1 in the former case1 think of
 the conduct of the parents1 no         
disability should on that account accrue
 to the child1 nor should the parents   
7if identifiable7 be able to escape     
their full responsibility for bringing  
it into the world4  ,if it be objected  
that such private contracts1 or such    
facilitations of ,divorce1 as here      
spoken of1 would simply lead to         
frivolous experimental relationships    
entered into and broken-off ad          
infinitum1 it must be remembered that   
the responsibility for due rearing and  
maintenance of children must give       
serious pause to such a career2 and that
 to suppose that any great mass of the  
people would find their good in a kind  
of matrimonial game of ,general ,post is
 to suppose that the mass of the people 
have really never acquired or been      
taught the rudiments of common sense in 
such matters--is to suppose a case for  
which there would hardly be a parallel  
in the customs of any nation or tribe   

that we know of4  ,in conclusion1 it is 
evident that no very great change for   
the better in marriage-relations can    
take place except as the accompaniment  
of deep-lying changes in ,society at    
large2 and that alterations in the ,law 
alone will effect but a limited         
improvement4 ,indeed it is not very     
likely1 as long as the present          
commercial order of society lasts1 that 
the existing ,marriage-laws--founded as 
they are on the idea of property--will  
be very radically altered1 though they  
may be to some extent4 ,more likely is  
it that1 underneath the law1 the common 
practice will slide forward into newer  
customs4 ,with the rise of the new      
society1 which is already outlining     
itself within the structure of the old1 
many of the difficulties and bugbears1  
that at present seem to stand in the way
 of a more healthy relation between the 
sexes1 will of themselves disappear4    
,it must be acknowledged1 however1 that 
though a gradual broadening out and     

humanising of ,law and ,custom are quite
 necessary1 it cannot fairly be charged 
against these ancient tyrants that they 
are responsible for all the troubles    
connected with sex4 ,there are millions 
of people to-day who never could marry  
happily--however favorable the          
conditions might be--simply because     
their natures do not contain in         
sufficient strength the elements of     
loving surrender to another2 and1 as    
long as the human heart is what it is1  
there will be natural tragedies arising 
from the willingness or unwillingness of
 one person to release another when the 
former finds that his or her love is not
 returned499 ,while it is quite         
necessary that these natural tragedies  
should not be complicated and multiplied
 by needless legal                      
interference--complicated into the      
numberless artificial tragedies which   
are so exasperating when represented on 
the stage or in romance1 and so         
saddening when witnessed in real        

life--still we may acknowledge that1    
short of the millennium1 they will      
always be with us1 and that no          
institution of marriage alone1 or       
absence of institution1 will rid us of  
them4 ,that entire and unswerving       
refusal to 'cage' another person1 or to 
accept an affection not perfectly free  
and spontaneous1 which will1 we are fain
 to think1 be always more and more the  
mark of human love1 must inevitably     
bring its own price of mortal suffering 
with it2 yet the ,love so gained1       
whether in the individual or in society1
 will be found in the end to be worth   
the pang--and as far beyond the other   
love1 as is the wild bird of ,paradise  
that comes to feed out of our hands     
unbidden more lovely than the prisoner  
we shut with draggled wings behind the  
bars4 ,love is doubtless the last and   
most difficult lesson that humanity has 
to learn2 in a sense it underlies all   
the others4 ,perhaps the time has come  
for the modern nations when1 ceasing to 

be children1 they may even try to learn 
it4       99 ,perhaps one of the most   
sombre and inscrutable of these         
natural tragedies lies1 for ,woman1 in  
the fact that the man      to whom she  
first surrenders her body often acquires
 for her      7whatever his character   
may be7 so profound and inalienable     
a claim upon her heart4 ,while1 either  
for man or woman1 it      is almost     
impossible to thoroughly understand     
their own      nature1 or that of       
others1 till they have had sex-         
experience1 it happens so that in the   
case of woman the      experience which 
should thus give the power of choice is 
frequently the very one which seals her 
destiny4 ,it reveals      to her1 as at 
a glance1 the tragedy of a life-time    
which      lies before her1 and yet     
which she cannot do other than          
accept4