,ver4#jg_/bg_/ja99;,,end99 ,this etext was produced by ,david ,widger widgercecomet4net ,,note3 ,there is a short list of bookmarks1 or pointers1 at the end of the file for those who may wish to sample the author's ideas before making an entire meal of them4 ,d4,w4 ,,an ,,attic ,,philosopher 7,un ,philosophe sous les ,toits7 ,by ,,emile ,,souvestre ,,book #c4 ,,chapter ,x ,,our ,,country ,october #abth1 ,seven ,o'clock ,a4,m4 ,the nights are already become cold and long2 the sun1 shining through my curtains1 no more wakens me long before the hour for work2 and even when my eyes are open1 the pleasant warmth of the bed keeps me fast under my counterpane4 ,every morning there begins a long argument between my activity and my indolence2 and1 snugly wrapped up to the eyes1 ,i wait like the ,gascon1 until they have succeeded in coming to an agreement4 ,this morning1 however1 a light1 which shone from my door upon my pillow1 awoke me earlier than usual4 ,in vain ,i turned on my side2 the persevering light1 like a victorious enemy1 pursued me into every position4 ,at last1 quite out of patience1 ,i sat up and hurled my nightcap to the foot of the bed6 7,i will observe1 by way of parenthesis1 that the various evolutions of this pacific headgear seem to have been1 from the remotest time1 symbols of the vehement emotions of the mind2 for our language has borrowed its most common images from them47 ,but be this as it may1 ,i got up in a very bad humor1 grumbling at my new neighbor1 who took it into his head to be wakeful when ,i wished to sleep4 ,we are all made thus2 we do not understand that others may live on their own account4 ,each one of us is like the earth1 according to the old system of ,ptolemy1 and thinks he can have the whole universe revolve around himself4 ,on this point1 to make use of the metaphor alluded to3 ',tous les hommes ont la tete dans le meme bonnet'4 ,i had for the time being1 as ,i have already said1 thrown mine to the other end of my bed2 and ,i slowly disengaged my legs from the warm bedclothes1 while making a host of evil reflections upon the inconvenience of having neighbors4 ,for more than a month ,i had not had to complain of those whom chance had given me2 most of them only came in to sleep1 and went away again on rising4 ,i was almost always alone on this top story--alone with the clouds and the sparrows6 ,but at ,paris nothing lasts2 the current of life carries us along1 like the seaweed torn from the rock2 the houses are vessels which take mere passengers4 ,how many different faces have ,i already seen pass along the landing-place belonging to our attics6 ,how many companions of a few days have disappeared forever6 ,some are lost in that medley of the living which whirls continually under the scourge of necessity1 and others in that resting-place of the dead1 who sleep under the hand of ,god6 ,peter the bookbinder is one of these last4 ,wrapped up in selfishness1 he lived alone and friendless1 and he died as he had lived4 ,his loss was neither mourned by any one1 nor disarranged anything in the world2 there was merely a ditch filled up in the graveyard1 and an attic emptied in our house4 ,it is the same which my new neighbor has inhabited for the last few days4 ,to say truly 7now that ,i am quite awake1 and my ill humor is gone with my nightcap7--to say truly1 this new neighbor1 although rising earlier than suits my idleness1 is not the less a very good man3 he carries his misfortunes1 as few know how to carry their good fortunes1 with cheerfulness and moderation4 ,but fate has cruelly tried him4 ,father ,chaufour is but the wreck of a man4 ,in the place of one of his arms hangs an empty sleeve2 his left leg is made by the turner1 and he drags the right along with difficulty2 but above these ruins rises a calm and happy face4 ,while looking upon his countenance1 radiant with a serene energy1 while listening to his voice1 the tone of which has1 so to speak1 the accent of goodness1 we see that the soul has remained entire in the half-destroyed covering4 ,the fortress is a little damaged1 as ,father ,chaufour says1 but the garrison is quite hearty4 ,decidedly1 the more ,i think of this excellent man1 the more ,i reproach myself for the sort of malediction ,i bestowed on him when ,i awoke4 ,we are generally too indulgent in our secret wrongs toward our neighbor4 ,all ill-will which does not pass the region of thought seems innocent to us1 and1 with our clumsy justice1 we excuse without examination the sin which does not betray itself by action6 ,but are we then bound to others only by the enforcement of laws8 ,besides these external relations1 is there not a real relation of feeling between men8 ,do we not owe to all those who live under the same heaven as ourselves the aid not only of our acts but of our purposes8 ,ought not every human life to be to us like a vessel that we accompany with our prayers for a happy voyage8 ,it is not enough that men do not harm one another2 they must also help and love one another6 ,the papal benediction1 ',urbi et orbi'6 should be the constant cry from all hearts4 ,to condemn him who does not deserve it1 even in the mind1 even by a passing thought1 is to break the great law1 that which has established the union of souls here below1 and to which ,christ has given the sweet name of charity4 ,these thoughts came into my mind as ,i finished dressing1 and ,i said to myself that ,father ,chaufour had a right to reparation from me4 ,to make amends for the feeling of ill-will ,i had against him just now1 ,i owed him some explicit proof of sympathy4 ,i heard him humming a tune in his room2 he was at work1 and ,i determined that ,i would make the first neighborly call4 ,eight o'clock ,p4,m4--,i found ,father ,chaufour at a table lighted by a little smoky lamp1 without a fire1 although it is already cold1 and making large pasteboard boxes2 he was humming a popular song in a low tone4 ,i had hardly entered the room when he uttered an exclamation of surprise and pleasure4 ,eh6 is it you1 neighbor8 ,come in1 then6 ,i did not think you got up so early1 so ,i put a damper on my music2 ,i was afraid of waking you4 ,excellent man6 while ,i was sending him to the devil he was putting himself out of his way for me6 ,this thought touched me1 and ,i paid my compliments on his having become my neighbor with a warmth which opened his heart4 ,faith6 you seem to me to have the look of a good ,christian1 said he in a voice of soldierlike cordiality1 and shaking me by the hand4 ,i do not like those people who look on a landing-place as a frontier line1 and treat their neighbors as if they were ,cossacks4 ,when men snuff the same air1 and speak the same lingo1 they are not meant to turn their backs to each other4 ,sit down there1 neighbor2 ,i don't mean to order you2 only take care of the stool2 it has but three legs1 and we must put good-will in place of the fourth4 ,it seems that that is a treasure which there is no want of here1 ,i observed4 ,good-will6 repeated ,chaufour2 that is all my mother left me1 and ,i take it no son has received a better inheritance4 ,therefore they used to call me ,monsieur ,content in the batteries4 ,you are a soldier1 then8 ,i served in the ,third ,artillery under the ,republic1 and afterward in the ,guard1 through all the commotions4 ,i was at ,jemappes and at ,waterloo2 so ,i was at the christening and at the burial of our glory1 as one may say6 ,i looked at him with astonishment4 ,and how old were you then1 at ,jemappes8 asked ,i4 ,somewhere about fifteen1 said he4 ,how came you to think of being a soldier so early8 ,i did not really think about it4 ,i then worked at toy-making1 and never dreamed that ,france would ask me for anything else than to make her draught-boards1 shuttlecocks1 and cups and balls4 ,but ,i had an old uncle at ,vincennes whom ,i went to see from time to time--a ,fontenoy veteran in the same rank of life as myself1 but with ability enough to have risen to that of a marshal4 ,unluckily1 in those days there was no way for common people to get on4 ,my uncle1 whose services would have got him made a prince under the other1 had then retired with the mere rank of sub- lieutenant4 ,but you should have seen him in his uniform1 his cross of ,st4 ,louis1 his wooden leg1 his white moustaches1 and his noble countenance4 ,you would have said he was a portrait of one of those old heroes in powdered hair which are at ,versailles6 ,every time ,i visited him1 he said something which remained fixed in my memory4 ,but one day ,i found him quite grave4 ',jerome1' said he1 'do you know what is going on on the frontier8' ',no1 lieutenant1' replied ,i4 ',well1' resumed he1 'our country is in danger6' ,i did not well understand him1 and yet it seemed something to me4 ',perhaps you have never thought what your country means1' continued he1 placing his hand on my shoulder2 it is all that surrounds you1 all that has brought you up and fed you1 all that you have loved6 ,this ground that you see1 these houses1 these trees1 those girls who go along there laughing--this is your country6 ,the laws which protect you1 the bread which pays for your work1 the words you interchange with others1 the joy and grief which come to you from the men and things among which you live --this is your country6 ,the little room where you used to see your mother1 the remembrances she has left you1 the earth where she rests-- this is your country6 ,you see it1 you breathe it1 everywhere6 ,think to yourself1 my son1 of your rights and your duties1 your affections and your wants1 your past and your present blessings2 write them all under a single name--and that name will be your country6' ,i was trembling with emotion1 and great tears were in my eyes4 ',ah6 ,i understand1' cried ,i2 'it is our home in large2 it is that part of the world where ,god has placed our body and our soul4' ',you are right1 ,jerome1' continued the old soldier2 'so you comprehend also what we owe it4' ',truly1' resumed ,i1 'we owe it all that we are2 it is a question of love4' ',and of honesty1 my son1' concluded he4 ',the member of a family who does not contribute his share of work and of happiness fails in his duty1 and is a bad kinsman2 the member of a partnership who does not enrich it with all his might1 with all his courage1 and with all his heart1 defrauds it of what belongs to it1 and is a dishonest man4 ,it is the same with him who enjoys the advantages of having a country1 and does not accept the burdens of it2 he forfeits his honor1 and is a bad citizen6' ',and what must one do1 lieutenant1 to be a good citizen8' asked ,i4 ',do for your country what you would do for your father and mother1' said he4 ,i did not answer at the moment2 my heart was swelling1 and the blood boiling in my veins2 but on returning along the road1 my uncle's words were1 so to speak1 written up before my eyes4 ,i repeated1 ',do for your country what you would do for your father and mother4' ,and my country is in danger2 an enemy attacks it1 while ,i--,i turn cups and balls6 ,this thought tormented me so much all night that the next day ,i returned to ,vincennes to announce to the lieutenant that ,i had just enlisted1 and was going off to the frontier4 ,the brave man pressed upon me his cross of ,st4 ,louis1 and ,i went away as proud as an ambassador4 ,that is how1 neighbor1 ,i became a volunteer under the ,republic before ,i had cut my wisdom teeth4 ,all this was told quietly1 and in the cheerful spirit of him who looks upon an accomplished duty neither as a merit nor a grievance4 ,while he spoke1 ,father ,chaufour grew animated1 not on account of himself1 but of the general subject4 ,evidently that which occupied him in the drama of life was not his own part1 but the drama itself4 ,this sort of disinterestedness touched me4 ,i prolonged my visit1 and showed myself as frank as possible1 in order to win his confidence in return4 ,in an hour's time he knew my position and my habits2 ,i was on the footing of an old acquaintance4 ,i even confessed the ill-humor the light of his lamp put me into a short time before4 ,he took what ,i said with the touching cheerfulness which comes from a heart in the right place1 and which looks upon everything on the good side4 ,he neither spoke to me of the necessity which obliged him to work while ,i could sleep1 nor of the deprivations of the old soldier compared to the luxury of the young clerk2 he only struck his forehead1 accused himself of thoughtlessness1 and promised to put list round his door6 ,o great and beautiful soul6 with whom nothing turns to bitterness1 and who art peremptory only in duty and benevolence6 ,october #aeth4--,this morning ,i was looking at a little engraving ,i had framed myself1 and hung over my writing-table2 it is a design of ,gavarni's2 in which1 in a grave mood1 he has represented a veteran and a conscript4 ,by often contemplating these two figures1 so different in expression1 and so true to life1 both have become living in my eyes2 ,i have seen them move1 ,i have heard them speak2 the picture has become a real scene1 at which ,i am present as spectator4 ,the veteran advances slowly1 his hand leaning on the shoulder of the young soldier4 ,his eyes1 closed for ever1 no longer perceive the sun shining through the flowering chestnut-trees4 ,in the place of his right arm hangs an empty sleeve1 and he walks with a wooden leg1 the sound of which on the pavement makes those who pass turn to look4 ,at the sight of this ancient wreck from our patriotic wars1 the greater number shake their heads in pity1 and ,i seem to hear a sigh or an imprecation4 ,see the worth of glory6 says a portly merchant1 turning away his eyes in horror4 ,what a deplorable use of human life6 rejoins a young man who carries a volume of philosophy under his arm4 ,the trooper would better not have left his plow1 adds a countryman1 with a cunning air4 ,poor old man6 murmurs a woman1 almost crying4 ,the veteran has heard1 and he knits his brow2 for it seems to him that his guide has grown thoughtful4 ,the latter1 attracted by what he hears around him1 hardly answers the old man's questions1 and his eyes1 vaguely lost in space1 seem to be seeking there for the solution of some problem4 ,i seem to see a twitching in the gray moustaches of the veteran2 he stops abruptly1 and1 holding back his guide with his remaining arm3 ,they all pity me1 says he1 because they do not understand it2 but if ,i were to answer them-- ,what would you say to them1 father8 asks the young man1 with curiosity4 ,i should say first to the woman who weeps when she looks at me1 to keep her tears for other misfortunes2 for each of my wounds calls to mind some struggle for my colors4 ,there is room for doubting how some men have done their duty2 with me it is visible4 ,i carry the account of my services1 written with the enemy's steel and lead1 on myself2 to pity me for having done my duty is to suppose ,i would better have been false to it4 ,and what would you say to the countryman1 father8 ,i should tell him that1 to drive the plow in peace1 we must first secure the country itself2 and that1 as long as there are foreigners ready to eat our harvest1 there must be arms to defend it4 ,but the young student1 too1 shook his head when he lamented such a use of life4 ,because he does not know what self-sacrifice and suffering can teach4 ,the books that he studies we have put in practice1 though we never read them3 the principles he applauds we have defended with powder and bayonet4 ,and at the price of your limbs and your blood4 ,the merchant said1 when he saw your maimed body1 ',see the worth of glory6' ,do not believe him1 my son3 the true glory is the bread of the soul2 it is this which nourishes self-sacrifice1 patience1 and courage4 ,the ,master of all has bestowed it as a tie the more between men4 ,when we desire to be distinguished by our brethren1 do we not thus prove our esteem and our sympathy for them8 ,the longing for admiration is but one side of love4 ,no1 no2 the true glory can never be too dearly paid for6 ,that which we should deplore1 child1 is not the infirmities which prove a generous self-sacrifice1 but those which our vices or our imprudence have called forth4 ,ah6 if ,i could speak aloud to those who1 when passing1 cast looks of pity upon me1 ,i should say to the young man whose excesses have dimmed his sight before he is old1 ',what have you done with your eyes8' ,to the slothful man1 who with difficulty drags along his enervated mass of flesh1 ',what have you done with your feet8' ,to the old man1 who is punished for his intemperance by the gout1 ',what have you done with your hands8' ,to all1 ',what have you done with the days ,god granted you1 with the faculties you should have employed for the good of your brethren8' ,if you cannot answer1 bestow no more of your pity upon the old soldier maimed in his country's cause2 for he--he at least--can show his scars without shame4 ,october #afth4--,the little engraving has made me comprehend better the merits of ,father ,chaufour1 and ,i therefore esteem him all the more4 ,he has just now left my attic4 ,there no longer passes a single day without his coming to work by my fire1 or my going to sit and talk by his board4 ,the old artilleryman has seen much1 and likes to tell of it4 ,for twenty years he was an armed traveller throughout ,europe1 and he fought without hatred1 for he was possessed by a single thought--the honor of the national flag6 ,it might have been his superstition1 if you will2 but it was1 at the same time1 his safeguard4 ,the word ,,france1 which was then resounding so gloriously through the world1 served as a talisman to him against all sorts of temptation4 ,to have to support a great name may seem a burden to vulgar minds1 but it is an encouragement to vigorous ones4 ,i1 too1 have had many moments1 said he to me the other day1 when ,i have been tempted to make friends with the devil4 ,war is not precisely the school for rural virtues4 ,by dint of burning1 destroying1 and killing1 you grow a little tough as regards your feelings2 'and1 when the bayonet has made you king1 the notions of an autocrat come into your head a little strongly4 ,but at these moments ,i called to mind that country which the lieutenant spoke of to me1 and ,i whispered to myself the well- known phrase1 ',toujours ,francais6 ,it has been laughed at since4 ,people who would make a joke of the death of their mother have turned it into ridicule1 as if the name of our country was not also a noble and a binding thing4 ,for my part1 ,i shall never forget from how many follies the title of ,frenchman has kept me4 ,when1 overcome with fatigue1 ,i have found myself in the rear of the colors1 and when the musketry was rattling in the front ranks1 many a time ,i heard a voice1 which whispered in my ear1 ',leave the others to fight1 and for today take care of your own hide6' ,but then1 that word ,francais6 murmured within me1 and ,i pressed forward to help my comrades4 ,at other times1 when1 irritated by hunger1 cold1 and wounds1 ,i have arrived at the hovel of some ,meinherr1 ,i have been seized by an itching to break the master's back1 and to burn his hut2 but ,i whispered to myself1 ,francais6 and this name would not rhyme with either incendiary or murderer4 ,i have1 in this way1 passed through kingdoms from east to west1 and from north to south1 always determined not to bring disgrace upon my country's flag4 ,the lieutenant1 you see1 had taught me a magic word--,my country6 ,not only must we defend it1 but we must also make it great and loved4 ,october #agth4--,to-day ,i have paid my neighbor a long visit4 ,a chance expression led the way to his telling me more of himself than he had yet done4 ,i asked him whether both his limbs had been lost in the same battle4 ,no1 no6 replied he2 the cannon only took my leg2 it was the ,clamart quarries that my arm went to feed4 ,and when ,i asked him for the particulars-- ,that's as easy as to say good-morning1 continued he4 ,after the great break-up at ,waterloo1 ,i stayed three months in the camp hospital to give my wooden leg time to grow4 ,as soon as ,i was able to hobble a little1 ,i took leave of headquarters1 and took the road to ,paris1 where ,i hoped to find some relative or friend2 but no--all were gone1 or underground4 ,i should have found myself less strange at ,vienna1 ,madrid1 or ,berlin4 ,and although ,i had a leg the less to provide for1 ,i was none the better off2 my appetite had come back1 and my last sous were taking flight4 ,i had indeed met my old colonel1 who recollected that ,i had helped him out of the skirmish at ,montereau by giving him my horse1 and he had offered me bed and board at his house4 ,i knew that the year before he had married a castle and no few farms1 so that ,i might become permanent coat-brusher to a millionaire1 which was not without its temptations4 ,it remained to see if ,i had not anything better to do4 ,one evening ,i set myself to reflect upon it4 ',let us see1 ,chaufour1' said ,i to myself2 'the question is to act like a man4 ,the colonel's place suits you1 but cannot you do anything better8 ,your body is still in good condition1 and your arms strong2 do you not owe all your strength to your country1 as your ,vincennes uncle said8 ,why not leave some old soldier1 more cut up than you are1 to get his hospital at the colonel's8 ,come1 trooper1 you are still fit for another stout charge or two6 ,you must not lay up before your time4' ,whereupon ,i went to thank the colonel1 and to offer my services to an old artilleryman1 who had gone back to his home at ,clamart1 and who had taken up the quarryman's pick again4 ,for the first few months ,i played the conscript's part--that is to say1 there was more stir than work2 but with a good will one gets the better of stones1 as of everything else4 ,i did not become1 so to speak1 the leader of a column1 but ,i brought up the rank among the good workmen1 and ,i ate my bread with a good appetite1 seeing ,i had earned it with a good will4 ,for even underground1 you see1 ,i still kept my pride4 ,the thought that ,i was working to do my part in changing rocks into houses pleased my heart4 ,i said to myself1 ',courage1 ,chaufour1 my old boy2 you are helping to beautify your country4' ,and that kept up my spirit4 ,unfortunately1 some of my companions were rather too sensible to the charms of the brandy-bottle2 so much so1 that one day one of them1 who could hardly distinguish his right hand from his left1 thought proper to strike a light close to a charged mine4 ,the mine exploded suddenly1 and sent a shower of stone grape among us1 which killed three men1 and carried away the arm of which ,i have now only the sleeve4 ,so you were again without means of living8 said ,i to the old soldier4 ,that is to say1 ,i had to change them1 replied he1 quietly4 ,the difficulty was to find one which would do with five fingers instead of ten2 ,i found it1 however4 ,how was that8 ,among the ,paris street-sweepers4 ,what6 you have been one-- ,of the pioneers of the health force for a while1 neighbor1 and that was not my worst time either4 ,the corps of sweepers is not so low as it is dirty1 ,i can tell you6 ,there are old actresses in it who could never learn to save their money1 and ruined merchants from the exchange2 we even had a professor of classics1 who for a little drink would recite ,latin to you1 or ,greek tragedies1 as you chose4 ,they could not have competed for the ,monthyon prize2 but we excused faults on account of poverty1 and cheered our poverty by our good-humor and jokes4 ,i was as ragged and as cheerful as the rest1 while trying to be something better4 ,even in the mire of the gutter ,i preserved my faith that nothing is dishonorable which is useful to our country4 ',chaufour1' said ,i to myself with a smile1 'after the sword1 the hammer2 after the hammer1 the broom2 you are going downstairs1 my old boy1 but you are still serving your country4' ',however1 you ended by leaving your new profession8' said ,i4 ,a reform was required1 neighbor4 ,the street-sweepers seldom have their feet dry1 and the damp at last made the wounds in my good leg open again4 ,i could no longer follow the regiment1 and it was necessary to lay down my arms4 ,it is now two months since ,i left off working in the sanitary department of ,paris4 ,at the first moment ,i was daunted4 ,of my four limbs1 ,i had now only my right hand1 and even that had lost its strength2 so it was necessary to find some gentlemanly occupation for it4 ,after trying a little of everything1 ,i fell upon card-box making1 and here ,i am at cases for the lace and buttons of the national guard2 it is work of little profit1 but it is within the capacity of all4 ,by getting up at four and working till eight1 ,i earn sixty-five centimes2 my lodging and bowl of soup take fifty of them1 and there are three sous over for luxuries4 ,so ,i am richer than ,france herself1 for ,i have no deficit in my budget2 and ,i continue to serve her1 as ,i save her lace and buttons4 ,at these words ,father ,chaufour looked at me with a smile1 and with his great scissors began cutting the green paper again for his cardboard cases4 ,my heart was touched1 and ,i remained lost in thought4 ,here is still another member of that sacred phalanx who1 in the battle of life1 always march in front for the example and the salvation of the world6 ,each of these brave soldiers has his war-cry2 for this one it is ,country1 for that ,home1 for a third ,mankind2 but they all follow the same standard--that of duty2 for all the same divine law reigns--that of self-sacrifice4 ,to love something more than one's self--that is the secret of all that is great2 to know how to live for others--that is the aim of all noble souls4 ,,chapter ,,xi ,,moral ,,use ,,of ,,inventories ,november #acth1 ,nine ,o'clock ,p4,m4 ,i had well stopped up the chinks of my window2 my little carpet was nailed down in its place2 my lamp1 provided with its shade1 cast a subdued light around1 and my stove made a low1 murmuring sound1 as if some live creature was sharing my hearth with me4 ,all was silent around me4 ,but1 out of doors the snow and rain swept the roofs1 and with a low1 rushing sound ran along the gurgling gutters2 sometimes a gust of wind forced itself beneath the tiles1 which rattled together like castanets1 and afterward it was lost in the empty corridor4 ,then a slight and pleasurable shiver thrilled through my veins3 ,i drew the flaps of my old wadded dressing-gown around me1 ,i pulled my threadbare velvet cap over my eyes1 and1 letting myself sink deeper into my easy-chair1 while my feet basked in the heat and light which shone through the door of the stove1 ,i gave myself up to a sensation of enjoyment1 made more lively by the consciousness of the storm which raged without4 ,my eyes1 swimming in a sort of mist1 wandered over all the details of my peaceful abode2 they passed from my prints to my bookcase1 resting upon the little chintz sofa1 the white curtains of the iron bedstead1 and the portfolio of loose papers--those archives of the attics2 and then1 returning to the book ,i held in my hand1 they attempted to seize once more the thread of the reading which had been thus interrupted4 ,in fact1 this book1 the subject of which had at first interested me1 had become painful to me4 ,i had come to the conclusion that the pictures of the writer were too sombre4 ,his description of the miseries of the world appeared exaggerated to me2 ,i could not believe in such excess of poverty and of suffering2 neither ,god nor man could show themselves so harsh toward the sons of ,adam4 ,the author had yielded to an artistic temptation3 he was making a show of the sufferings of humanity1 as ,nero burned ,rome for the sake of the picturesque4 ,taken altogether1 this poor human house1 so often repaired1 so much criticised1 is still a pretty good abode2 we may find enough in it to satisfy our wants1 if we know how to set bounds to them2 the happiness of the wise man costs but little1 and asks but little space4 ,these consoling reflections became more and more confused4 ,at last my book fell on the ground without my having the resolution to stoop and take it up again2 and insensibly overcome by the luxury of the silence1 the subdued light1 and the warmth1 ,i fell asleep4 ,i remained for some time lost in the sort of insensibility belonging to a first sleep2 at last some vague and broken sensations came over me4 ,it seemed to me that the day grew darker1 that the air became colder4 ,i half perceived bushes covered with the scarlet berries which foretell the coming of winter4 ,i walked on a dreary road1 bordered here and there with juniper-trees white with frost4 ,then the scene suddenly changed4 ,i was in the diligence2 the cold wind shook the doors and windows2 the trees1 loaded with snow1 passed by like ghosts2 in vain ,i thrust my benumbed feet into the crushed straw4 ,at last the carriage stopped1 and1 by one of those stage effects so common in sleep1 ,i found myself alone in a barn1 without a fireplace1 and open to the winds on all sides4 ,i saw again my mother's gentle face1 known only to me in my early childhood1 the noble and stern countenance of my father1 the little fair head of my sister1 who was taken from us at ten years old2 all my dead family lived again around me2 they were there1 exposed to the bitings of the cold and to the pangs of hunger4 ,my mother prayed by the resigned old man1 and my sister1 rolled up on some rags of which they had made her a bed1 wept in silence1 and held her naked feet in her little blue hands4 ,it was a page from the book ,i had just read transferred into my own existence4 ,my heart was oppressed with inexpressible anguish4 ,crouched in a corner1 with my eyes fixed upon this dismal picture1 ,i felt the cold slowly creeping upon me1 and ,i said to myself with bitterness3 ,let us die1 since poverty is a dungeon guarded by suspicion1 apathy1 and contempt1 and from which it is vain to try to escape2 let us die1 since there is no place for us at the banquet of the living6 ,and ,i tried to rise to join my mother again1 and to wait at her feet for the hour of release4 ,this effort dispelled my dream1 and ,i awoke with a start4 ,i looked around me2 my lamp was expiring1 the fire in my stove extinguished1 and my half-opened door was letting in an icy wind4 ,i got up1 with a shiver1 to shut and double-lock it2 then ,i made for the alcove1 and went to bed in haste4 ,but the cold kept me awake a long time1 and my thoughts continued the interrupted dream4 ,the pictures ,i had lately accused of exaggeration now seemed but a too faithful representation of reality2 and ,i went to sleep without being able to recover my optimism--or my warmth4 ,thus did a cold stove and a badly closed door alter my point of view4 ,all went well when my blood circulated properly2 all looked gloomy when the cold laid hold on me4 ,this reminds me of the story of the duchess who was obliged to pay a visit to the neighboring convent on a winter's day4 ,the convent was poor1 there was no wood1 and the monks had nothing but their discipline and the ardor of their prayers to keep out the cold4 ,the duchess1 who was shivering with cold1 returned home1 greatly pitying the poor monks4 ,while the servants were taking off her cloak and adding two more logs to her fire1 she called her steward1 whom she ordered to send some wood to the convent immediately4 ,she then had her couch moved close to the fireside1 the warmth of which soon revived her4 ,the recollection of what she had just suffered was speedily lost in her present comfort1 when the steward came in again to ask how many loads of wood he was to send4 ,oh6 you may wait1 said the great lady carelessly2 the weather is very much milder4 ,thus1 man's judgments are formed less from reason than from sensation2 and as sensation comes to him from the outward world1 so he finds himself more or less under its influence2 by little and little he imbibes a portion of his habits and feelings from it4 ,it is not1 then1 without cause that1 when we wish to judge of a stranger beforehand1 we look for indications of his character in the circumstances which surround him4 ,the things among which we live are necessarily made to take our image1 and we unconsciously leave in them a thousand impressions of our minds4 ,as we can judge by an empty bed of the height and attitude of him who has slept in it1 so the abode of every man discovers to a close observer the extent of his intelligence and the feelings of his heart4 ,bernardin de ,st4-,pierre has related the story of a young girl who refused a suitor because he would never have flowers or domestic animals in his house4 ,perhaps the sentence was severe1 but not without reason4 ,we may presume that a man insensible to beauty and to humble affection must be ill prepared to feel the enjoyments of a happy marriage4 #adth1 seven o'clock ,p4,m4--,this morning1 as ,i was opening my journal to write1 ,i had a visit from our old cashier4 ,his sight is not so good as it was1 his hand begins to shake1 and the work he was able to do formerly is now becoming somewhat laborious to him4 ,i had undertaken to write out some of his papers1 and he came for those ,i had finished4 ,we conversed a long time by the stove1 while he was drinking a cup of coffee which ,i made him take4 ,m4 ,rateau is a sensible man1 who has observed much and speaks little2 so that he has always something to say4 ,while looking over the accounts ,i had prepared for him1 his look fell upon my journal1 and ,i was obliged to acknowledge that in this way ,i wrote a diary of my actions and thoughts every evening for private use4 ,from one thing to another1 ,i began speaking to him of my dream the day before1 and my reflections about the influence of outward objects upon our ordinary sentiments4 ,he smiled4 ,ah6 you1 too1 have my superstitions1 he said1 quietly4 ,i have always believed1 like you1 that you may know the game by the lair3 it is only necessary to have tact and experience2 but without them we commit ourselves to many rash judgments4 ,for my part4 ,i have been guilty of this more than once1 but sometimes ,i have also drawn a right conclusion4 ,i recollect especially an adventure which goes as far back as the first years of my youth-- ,he stopped4 ,i looked at him as if ,i waited for his story1 and he told it me at once4 ,at this time he was still but third clerk to an attorney at ,orleans4 ,his master had sent him to ,montargis on different affairs1 and he intended to return in the diligence the same evening1 after having received the amount of a bill at a neighboring town2 but they kept him at the debtor's house1 and when he was able to set out the day had already closed4 ,fearing not to be able to reach ,montargis in good time1 he took a crossroad they pointed out to him4 ,unfortunately the fog increased1 no star was visible in the heavens1 and the darkness became so great that he lost his road4 ,he tried to retrace his steps1 passed twenty footpaths1 and at last was completely astray4 ,after the vexation of losing his place in the diligence1 came the feeling of uneasiness as to his situation4 ,he was alone1 on foot1 lost in a forest1 without any means of finding his right road again1 and with a considerable sum of money about him1 for which he was responsible4 ,his anxiety was increased by his inexperience4 ,the idea of a forest was connected in his mind with so many adventures of robbery and murder1 that he expected some fatal encounter every instant4 ,to say the truth1 his situation was not encouraging4 ,the place was not considered safe1 and for some time past there had been rumors of the sudden disappearance of several horse-dealers1 though there was no trace of any crime having been committed4 ,our young traveller1 with his eyes staring forward1 and his ears listening1 followed a footpath which he supposed might take him to some house or road2 but woods always succeeded to woods4 ,at last he perceived a light at a distance1 and in a quarter of an hour he reached the highroad4 ,a single house1 the light from which had attracted him1 appeared at a little distance4 ,he was going toward the entrance gate of the courtyard1 when the trot of a horse made him turn his head4 ,a man on horseback had just appeared at the turning of the road1 and in an instant was close to him4 ,the first words he addressed to the young man showed him to be the farmer himself4 ,he related how he had lost himself1 and learned from the countryman that he was on the road to ,pithiviers4 ,montargis was three leagues behind him4 ,the fog had insensibly changed into a drizzling rain1 which was beginning to wet the young clerk through2 he seemed afraid of the distance he had still to go1 and the horseman1 who saw his hesitation1 invited him to come into the farmhouse4 ,it had something of the look of a fortress4 ,surrounded by a pretty high wall1 it could not be seen except through the bars of the great gate1 which was carefully closed4 ,the farmer1 who had got off his horse1 did not go near it1 but1 turning to the right1 reached another entrance closed in the same way1 but of which he had the key4 ,hardly had he passed the threshold when a terrible barking resounded from each end of the yard4 ,the farmer told his guest to fear nothing1 and showed him the dogs chained up to their kennels2 both were of an extraordinary size1 and so savage that the sight of their master himself could not quiet them4 ,a boy1 attracted by their barking1 came out of the house and took the farmer's horse4 ,the latter began questioning him about some orders he had given before he left the house1 and went toward the stable to see that they had been executed4 ,thus left alone1 our clerk looked about him4 ,a lantern which the boy had placed on the ground cast a dim light over the courtyard4 ,all around seemed empty and deserted4 ,not a trace was visible of the disorder often seen in a country farmyard1 and which shows a temporary cessation of the work which is soon to be resumed again4 ,neither a cart forgotten where the horses had been unharnessed1 nor sheaves of corn heaped up ready for threshing1 nor a plow overturned in a corner and half hidden under the freshly-cut clover4 ,the yard was swept1 the barns shut up and padlocked4 ,not a single vine creeping up the walls2 everywhere stone1 wood1 and iron6 ,he took up the lantern and went up to the corner of the house4 ,behind was a second yard1 where he heard the barking of a third dog1 and a covered wall was built in the middle of it4 ,our traveller looked in vain for the little farm garden1 where pumpkins of different sorts creep along the ground1 or where the bees from the hives hum under the hedges of honeysuckle and elder4 ,verdure and flowers were nowhere to be seen4 ,he did not even perceive the sight of a poultry-yard or pigeon-house4 ,the habitation of his host was everywhere wanting in that which makes the grace and the life of the country4 ,the young man thought that his host must be of a very careless or a very calculating disposition1 to concede so little to domestic enjoyments and the pleasures of the eye2 and judging1 in spite of himself1 by what he saw1 he could not help feeling a distrust of his character4 ,in the mean time the farmer returned from the stables1 and made him enter the house4 ,the inside of the farmhouse corresponded to its outside4 ,the whitewashed walls had no other ornament than a row of guns of all sizes2 the massive furniture hardly redeemed its clumsy appearance by its great solidity4 ,the cleanliness was doubtful1 and the absence of all minor conveniences proved that a woman's care was wanting in the household concerns4 ,the young clerk learned that the farmer1 in fact1 lived here with no one but his two sons4 ,of this1 indeed1 the signs were plain enough4 ,a table with the cloth laid1 that no one had taken the trouble to clear away1 was left near the window4 ,the plates and dishes were scattered upon it without any order1 and loaded with potato-parings and half-picked bones4 ,several empty bottles emitted an odor of brandy1 mixed with the pungent smell of tobacco-smoke4 ,after seating his guest1 the farmer lighted his pipe1 and his two sons resumed their work by the fireside4 ,now and then the silence was just broken by a short remark1 answered by a word or an exclamation2 and then all became as mute as before4 ,from my childhood1 said the old cashier1 ,i had been very sensible to the impression of outward objects2 later in life1 reflection had taught me to study the causes of these impressions rather than to drive them away4 ,i set myself1 then1 to examine everything around me with great attention4 ,below the guns1 ,i had remarked on entering1 some wolftraps were suspended1 and to one of them still hung the mangled remains of a wolf's paw1 which they had not yet taken off from the iron teeth4 ,the blackened chimneypiece was ornamented by an owl and a raven nailed on the wall1 their wings extended1 and their throats with a huge nail through each2 a fox's skin1 freshly flayed1 was spread before the window2 and a larder hook1 fixed into the principal beam1 held a headless goose1 whose body swayed about over our heads4 ,my eyes were offended by all these details1 and ,i turned them again upon my hosts4 ,the father1 who sat opposite to me1 only interrupted his smoking to pour out his drink1 or address some reprimand to his sons4 ,the eldest of these was scraping a deep bucket1 and the bloody scrapings1 which he threw into the fire every instant1 filled the room with a disagreeable fetid smell2 the second son was sharpening some butcher's knives4 ,i learned from a word dropped from the father that they were preparing to kill a pig the next day4 ,these occupations and the whole aspect of things inside the house told of such habitual coarseness in their way of living as seemed to explain1 while it formed the fitting counterpart of1 the forbidding gloominess of the outside4 ,my astonishment by degrees changed into disgust1 and my disgust into uneasiness4 ,i cannot detail the whole chain of ideas which succeeded one another in my imagination2 but1 yielding to an impulse ,i could not overcome1 ,i got up1 declaring ,i would go on my road again4 ,the farmer made some effort to keep me2 he spoke of the rain1 of the darkness1 and of the length of the way4 ,i replied to all by the absolute necessity there was for my being at ,montargis that very night2 and thanking him for his brief hospitality1 ,i set off again in a haste which might well have confirmed the truth of my words to him4 ,however1 the freshness of the night and the exercise of walking did not fail to change the directions of my thoughts4 ,when away from the objects which had awakened such lively disgust in me1 ,i felt it gradually diminishing4 ,i began to smile at the susceptibility of my feelings1 and then1 in proportion as the rain became heavier and colder1 these strictures on myself assumed a tone of ill-temper4 ,i silently accused myself of the absurdity of mistaking sensation for admonitions of my reason4 ,after all1 were not the farmer and his sons free to live alone1 to hunt1 to keep dogs1 and to kill a pig8 ,where was the crime of it8 ,with less nervous susceptibility1 ,i should have accepted the shelter they offered me1 and ,i should now be sleeping snugly on a truss of straw1 instead of walking with difficulty through the cold and drizzling rain4 ,i thus continued to reproach myself1 until1 toward morning1 ,i arrived at ,montargis1 jaded and benumbed with cold4 ,when1 however1 ,i got up refreshed1 toward the middle of the next day1 ,i instinctively returned to my first opinion4 ,the appearance of the farmhouse presented itself to me under the same repulsive colors which the evening before had determined me to make my escape from it4 ,reason itself remained silent when reviewing all those coarse details1 and was forced to recognize in them the indications of a low nature1 or else the presence of some baleful influence4 ,i went away the next day without being able to learn anything concerning the farmer or his sons2 but the recollection of my adventure remained deeply fixed in my memory4 ,ten years afterward ,i was travelling in the diligence through the department of the ,loiret2 ,i was leaning from the window1 and looking at some coppice ground now for the first time brought under cultivation1 and the mode of clearing which one of my travelling companions was explaining to me1 when my eyes fell upon a walled inclosure1 with an iron-barred gate4 ,inside it ,i perceived a house with all the blinds closed1 and which ,i immediately recollected2 it was the farmhouse where ,i had been sheltered4 ,i eagerly pointed it out to my companion1 and asked who lived in it4 ',nobody just now1' replied he4 ',but was it not kept1 some years ago1 by a farmer and his two sons8' ',the ,turreaus2' said my travelling companion1 looking at me2 'did you know them8' ',i saw them once4' ,he shook his head4 ',yes1 yes6' resumed he2 'for many years they lived there like wolves in their den2 they merely knew how to till land1 kill game1 and drink4 ,the father managed the house1 but men living alone1 without women to love them1 without children to soften them1 and without ,god to make them think of heaven1 always turn into wild beasts1 you see2 so one morning the eldest son1 who had been drinking too much brandy1 would not harness the plow-horses2 his father struck him with his whip1 and the son1 who was mad drunk1 shot him dead with his gun4' #afth1 ,p4,m4--,i have been thinking of the story of the old cashier these two days2 it came so opportunely upon the reflections my dream had suggested to me4 ,have ,i not an important lesson to learn from all this8 ,if our sensations have an incontestable influence upon our judgments1 how comes it that we are so little careful of those things which awaken or modify these sensations8 ,the external world is always reflected in us as in a mirror1 and fills our minds with pictures which1 unconsciously to ourselves1 become the germs of our opinions and of our rules of conduct4 ,all the objects which surround us are then1 in reality1 so many talismans whence good and evil influences are emitted1 and it is for us to choose them wisely1 so as to create a healthy atmosphere for our minds4 ,feeling convinced of this truth1 ,i set about making a survey of my attic4 ,the first object on which my eyes rest is an old map of the history of the principal monastery in my native province4 ,i had unrolled it with much satisfaction1 and placed it on the most conspicuous part of the wall4 ,why had ,i given it this place8 ,ought this sheet of old worm-eaten parchment to be of so much value to me1 who am neither an antiquary nor a scholar8 ,is not its real importance in my sight that one of the abbots who founded it bore my name1 and that ,i shall1 perchance1 be able to make myself a genealogical tree of it for the edification of my visitors8 ,while writing this1 ,i feel my own blushes4 ,come1 down with the map6 let us banish it into my deepest drawer4 ,as ,i passed my glass1 ,i perceived several visiting cards complacently displayed in the frame4 ,by what chance is it that there are only names that make a show among them8 ,here is a ,polish count--a retired colonel-- the deputy of my department4 ,quick1 quick1 into the fire with these proofs of vanity6 and let us put this card in the handwriting of our office-boy1 this direction for cheap dinners1 and the receipt of the broker where ,i bought my last armchair1 in their place4 ,these indications of my poverty will serve1 as ,montaigne says1 'mater ma superbe'1 and will always make me recollect the modesty in which the dignity of the lowly consists4 ,i have stopped before the prints hanging upon the wall4 ,this large and smiling ,pomona1 seated on sheaves of corn1 and whose basket is overflowing with fruit1 only produces thoughts of joy and plenty2 ,i was looking at her the other day1 when ,i fell asleep denying such a thing as misery4 ,let us give her as companion this picture of ,winter1 in which everything tells of sorrow and suffering3 one picture will modify the other4 ,and this ,happy ,family of ,greuze's6 ,what joy in the children's eyes6 ,what sweet repose in the young woman's face6 ,what religious feeling in the grandfather's countenance6 ,may ,god preserve their happiness to them6 but let us hang by its side the picture of this mother1 who weeps over an empty cradle4 ,human life has two faces1 both of which we must dare to contemplate in their turn4 ,let me hide1 too1 these ridiculous monsters which ornament my chimneypiece4 ,plato has said that the beautiful is nothing else than the visible form of the good4 ,if it is so1 the ugly should be the visible form of the evil1 and1 by constantly beholding it1 the mind insensibly deteriorates4 ,but above all1 in order to cherish the feelings of kindness and pity1 let me hang at the foot of my bed this affecting picture of the ,last ,sleep6 ,never have ,i been able to look at it without feeling my heart touched4 ,an old woman1 clothed in rags1 is lying by a roadside2 her stick is at her feet1 and her head rests upon a stone2 she has fallen asleep2 her hands are clasped2 murmuring a prayer of her childhood1 she sleeps her last sleep1 she dreams her last dream6 ,she sees herself1 again a strong and happy child1 keeping the sheep on the common1 gathering the berries from the hedges1 singing1 curtsying to passers-by1 and making the sign of the cross when the first star appears in the heavens6 ,happy time1 filled with fragrance and sunshine6 ,she wants nothing yet1 for she is ignorant of what there is to wish for4 ,but see her grown up2 the time is come for working bravely3 she must cut the corn1 thresh the wheat1 carry the bundles of flowering clover or branches of withered leaves to the farm4 ,if her toil is hard1 hope shines like a sun over everything and it wipes the drops of sweat away4 ,the growing girl already sees that life is a task1 but she still sings as she fulfills it4 ,by-and-bye the burden becomes heavier2 she is a wife1 she is a mother6 ,she must economize the bread of to-day1 have her eye upon the morrow1 take care of the sick1 and sustain the feeble2 she must act1 in short1 that part of an earthly ,providence1 so easy when ,god gives us his aid1 so hard when he forsakes us4 ,she is still strong1 but she is anxious2 she sings no longer6 ,yet a few years1 and all is overcast4 ,the husband's health is broken2 his wife sees him pine away by the now fireless hearth2 cold and hunger finish what sickness had begun2 he dies1 and his widow sits on the ground by the coffin provided by the charity of others1 pressing her two half- naked little ones in her arms4 ,she dreads the future1 she weeps1 and she droops her head4 ,at last the future has come2 the children are grown up1 but they are no longer with her4 ,her son is fighting under his country's flag1 and his sister is gone4 ,both have been lost to her for a long time--perhaps forever2 and the strong girl1 the brave wife1 the courageous mother1 is henceforth only a poor old beggar-woman1 without a family1 and without a home6 ,she weeps no more1 sorrow has subdued her2 she surrenders1 and waits for death4 ,death1 that faithful friend of the wretched1 is come3 not hideous and with mockery1 as superstition represents1 but beautiful1 smiling1 and crowned with stars6 ,the gentle phantom stoops to the beggar2 its pale lips murmur a few airy words1 which announce to her the end of her labors2 a peaceful joy comes over the aged beggarwoman1 and1 leaning on the shoulder of the great ,deliverer1 she has passed unconsciously from her last earthly sleep to her eternal rest4 ,lie there1 thou poor way-wearied woman6 ,the leaves will serve thee for a winding-sheet4 ,night will shed her tears of dew over thee1 and the birds will sing sweetly by thy remains4 ,thy visit here below will not have left more trace than their flight through the air2 thy name is already forgotten1 and the only legacy thou hast to leave is the hawthorn stick lying forgotten at thy feet6 ,well6 some one will take it up--some soldier of that great human host which is scattered abroad by misery or by vice2 for thou art not an exception1 thou art an instance2 and under the same sun which shines so pleasantly upon all1 in the midst of these flowering vineyards1 this ripe corn1 and these wealthy cities1 entire generations suffer1 succeed each other1 and still bequeath to each the beggar's stick6 ,the sight of this sad picture shall make me more grateful for what ,god has given me1 and more compassionate for those whom he has treated with less indulgence2 it shall be a lesson and a subject for reflection for me4 ,ah6 if we would watch for everything that might improve and instruct us2 if the arrangements of our daily life were so disposed as to be a constant school for our minds6 but oftenest we take no heed of them4 ,man is an eternal mystery to himself2 his own person is a house into which he never enters1 and of which he studies the outside alone4 ,each of us need have continually before him the famous inscription which once instructed ,socrates1 and which was engraved on the walls of ,delphi by an unknown hand3 ,,know ,,thyself4 ,,chapter ,,xii ,,the ,,end ,,of ,,the ,,year ,december #cjth1 ,p4,m4 ,i was in bed1 and hardly recovered from the delirious fever which had kept me for so long between life and death4 ,my weakened brain was making efforts to recover its activity2 my thoughts1 like rays of light struggling through the clouds1 were still confused and imperfect2 at times ,i felt a return of the dizziness which made a chaos of all my ideas1 and ,i floated1 so to speak1 between alternate fits of mental wandering and consciousness4 ,sometimes everything seemed plain to me1 like the prospect which1 from the top of some high mountain1 opens before us in clear weather4 ,we distinguish water1 woods1 villages1 cattle1 even the cottage perched on the edge of the ravine2 then suddenly there comes a gust of wind laden with mist1 and all is confused and indistinct4 ,thus1 yielding to the oscillations of a half-recovered reason1 ,i allowed my mind to follow its various impulses without troubling myself to separate the real from the imaginary2 ,i glided softly from one to the other1 and my dreams and waking thoughts succeeded closely upon one another4 ,now1 while my mind is wandering in this unsettled state1 see1 underneath the clock which measures the hours with its loud ticking1 a female figure appears before me6 ,at first sight ,i saw enough to satisfy me that she was not a daughter of ,eve4 ,in her eye was the last flash of an expiring star1 and her face had the pallor of an heroic death-struggle4 ,she was dressed in a drapery of a thousand changing colors of the brightest and the most sombre hues1 and held a withered garland in her hand4 ,after having contemplated her for some moments1 ,i asked her name1 and what brought her into my attic4 ,her eyes1 which were following the movements of the clock1 turned toward me1 and she replied3 ,you see in me the year which is just drawing to its end2 ,i come to receive your thanks and your farewell4 ,i raised myself on my elbow in surprise1 which soon gave place to bitter resentment4 ,ah6 you want thanks1 cried ,i2 but first let me know what for8 ,when ,i welcomed your coming1 ,i was still young and vigorous3 you have taken from me each day some little of my strength1 and you have ended by inflicting an illness upon me2 already1 thanks to you1 my blood is less warm1 my muscles less firm1 and my feet less agile than before6 ,you have planted the germs of infirmity in my bosom2 there1 where the summer flowers of life were growing1 you have wickedly sown the nettles of old age6 ,and1 as if it were not enough to weaken my body1 you have also diminished the powers of my soul2 you have extinguished her enthusiasm2 she is become more sluggish and more timid4 ,formerly her eyes took in the whole of mankind in their generous survey2 but you have made her nearsighted1 and now she hardly sees beyond herself6 ,that is what you have done for my spiritual being3 then as to my outward existence1 see to what grief1 neglect1 and misery you have reduced it6 ,for the many days that the fever has kept me chained to this bed1 who has taken care of this home in which ,i placed all my joy8 ,shall ,i not find my closets empty1 my bookcase 1stripped1 all my poor treasures lost through negligence or dishonesty8 ,where are the plants ,i cultivated1 the birds ,i fed8 ,all are gone6 my attic is despoiled1 silent and solitary6 ,as it is only for the last few moments that ,i have returned to a consciousness of what surrounds me1 ,i am even ignorant who has nursed me during my long illness6 ,doubtless some hireling1 who will leave when all my means of recompense are exhausted 6 ,and what will my masters1 for whom ,i am bound to work1 have said to my absence8 ,at this time of the year1 when business is most pressing1 can they have done without me1 will they even have tried to do so8 ,perhaps ,i am already superseded in the humble situation by which ,i earned my daily bread6 ,and it is thou-thou alone1 wicked daughter of ,time--who hast brought all these misfortunes upon me3 strength1 health1 comfort1 work--thou hast taken all from me4 ,i have only received outrage and loss from thee1 and yet thou darest to claim my gratitude6 ,ah6 die then1 since thy day is come2 but die despised and cursed2 and may ,i write on thy tomb the epitaph the ,arabian poet inscribed upon that of a king3 ',rejoice1 thou passer-by3 he whom we have buried here cannot live again4' 44444444444444444444444 ,i was wakened by a hand taking mine2 and opening my eyes1 ,i recognized the doctor4 ,after having felt my pulse1 he nodded his head1 sat down at the foot of the bed1 and looked at me1 rubbing his nose with his snuffbox4 ,i have since learned that this was a sign of satisfaction with the doctor4 ,well6 so we wanted old snub-nose to carry us off8 said ,m4 ,lambert1 in his half-joking1 half-scolding way4 ,what the deuce of a hurry we were in6 ,it was necessary to hold you back with both arms at least6 ,then you had given me up1 doctor8 asked ,i1 rather alarmed4 ,not at all1 replied the old physician4 ,we can't give up what we have not got2 and ,i make it a rule never to have any hope4 ,we are but instruments in the hands of ,providence1 and each of us should say1 with ,ambroise ,pare3 ',i tend him1 ,god cures him6' ,may ,he be blessed then1 as well as you1 cried ,i2 and may my health come back with the new year6 ,m4 ,lambert shrugged his shoulders4 ,begin by asking yourself for it1 resumed he1 bluntly4 ,god has given it you1 and it is your own sense1 and not chance1 that must keep it for you4 ,one would think1 to hear people talk1 that sickness comes upon us like the rain or the sunshine1 without one having a word to say in the matter4 ,before we complain of being ill we should prove that we deserve to be well4 ,i was about to smile1 but the doctor looked angry4 ,ah6 you think that ,i am joking1 resumed he1 raising his voice2 but tell me1 then1 which of us gives his health the same attention that he gives to his business8 ,do you economize your strength as you economize your money8 ,do you avoid excess and imprudence in the one case with the same care as extravagance or foolish speculations in the other8 ,do you keep as regular accounts of your mode of living as you do of your income8 ,do you consider every evening what has been wholesome or unwholesome for you1 with the same care that you bring to the examination of your expenditure8 ,you may smile2 but have you not brought this illness on yourself by a thousand indiscretions8 ,i began to protest against this1 and asked him to point out these indiscretions4 ,the old doctor spread out his fingers1 and began to reckon upon them one by one4 ,primo1 cried he1 want of exercise4 ,you live here like a mouse in a cheese1 without air1 motion1 or change4 ,consequently1 the blood circulates badly1 the fluids thicken1 the muscles1 being inactive1 do not claim their share of nutrition1 the stomach flags1 and the brain grows weary4 ,secundo4 ,irregular food4 ,caprice is your cook2 your stomach a slave who must accept what you give it1 but who presently takes a sullen revenge1 like all slaves4 ,tertio4 ,sitting up late4 ,instead of using the night for sleep1 you spend it in reading2 your bedstead is a bookcase1 your pillows a desk6 ,at the time when the wearied brain asks for rest1 you lead it through these nocturnal orgies1 and you are surprised to find it the worse for them the next day4 ,quarto4 ,luxurious habits4 ,shut up in your attic1 you insensibly surround yourself with a thousand effeminate indulgences4 ,you must have list for your door1 a blind for your window1 a carpet for your feet1 an easy-chair stuffed with wool for your back1 your fire lit at the first sign of cold1 and a shade to your lamp2 and thanks to all these precautions1 the least draught makes you catch cold1 common chairs give you no rest1 and you must wear spectacles to support the light of day4 ,you have thought you were acquiring comforts1 and you have only contracted infirmities4 ,quinto ,ah6 enough1 enough1 doctor6 cried ,i4 ,pray1 do not carry your examination farther2 do not attach a sense of remorse to each of my pleasures4 ,the old doctor rubbed his nose with his snuffbox4 ,you see1 said he1 more gently1 and rising at the same time1 you would escape from the truth4 ,you shrink from inquiry--a proof that you are guilty4 ',habemus confitentem reum'6 ,but at least1 my friend1 do not go on laying the blame on ,time1 like an old woman4 ,thereupon he again felt my pulse1 and took his leave1 declaring that his function was at an end1 and that the rest depended upon myself4 ,when the doctor was gone1 ,i set about reflecting upon what he had said4 ,although his words were too sweeping1 they were not the less true in the main4 ,how often we accuse chance of an illness1 the origin of which we should seek in ourselves6 ,perhaps it would have been wiser to let him finish the examination he had begun4 ,but is there not another of more importance--that which concerns the health of the soul8 ,am ,i so sure of having neglected no means of preserving that during the year which is now ending8 ,have ,i1 as one of ,god's soldiers upon earth1 kept my courage and my arms efficient8 ,shall ,i be ready for the great review of souls which must pass before ,him ,,who ,,is in the dark valley of ,jehoshaphat8 ,darest thou examine thyself1 ,o my soul6 and see how often thou hast erred8 ,first1 thou hast erred through pride6 for ,i have not duly valued the lowly4 ,i have drunk too deeply of the intoxicating wines of genius1 and have found no relish in pure water4 ,i have disdained those words which had no other beauty than their sincerity2 ,i have ceased to love men solely because they are men--,i have loved them for their endowments2 ,i have contracted the world within the narrow compass of a pantheon1 and my sympathy has been awakened by admiration only4 ,the vulgar crowd1 which ,i ought to have followed with a friendly eye because it is composed of my brothers in hope or grief1 ,i have let pass by with as much indifference as if it were a flock of sheep4 ,i am indignant with him who rolls in riches and despises the man poor in worldly wealth2 and yet1 vain of my trifling knowledge1 ,i despise him who is poor in mind--,i scorn the poverty of intellect as others do that of dress2 ,i take credit for a gift which ,i did not bestow on myself1 and turn the favor of fortune into a weapon with which to attack others4 ,ah6 if1 in the worst days of revolutions1 ignorance has revolted and raised a cry of hatred against genius1 the fault is not alone in the envious malice of ignorance1 but comes in part1 too1 from the contemptuous pride of knowledge4 ,alas6 ,i have too completely forgotten the fable of the two sons of the magician of ,bagdad4 ,one of them1 struck by an irrevocable decree of destiny1 was born blind1 while the other enjoyed all the delights of sight4 ,the latter1 proud of his own advantages1 laughed at his brother's blindness1 and disdained him as a companion4 ,one morning the blind boy wished to go out with him4 ,to what purpose1 said he1 since the gods have put nothing in common between us8 ,for me creation is a stage1 where a thousand charming scenes and wonderful actors appear in succession2 for you it is only an obscure abyss1 at the bottom of which you hear the confused murmur of an invisible world4 ,continue then alone in your darkness1 and leave the pleasures of light to those upon whom the day-star shines4 ,with these words he went away1 and his brother1 left alone1 began to cry bitterly4 ,his father1 who heard him1 immediately ran to him1 and tried to console him by promising to give him whatever he desired4 ,can you give me sight8 asked the child4 ,fate does not permit it1 said the magician4 ,then1 cried the blind boy1 eagerly1 ,i ask you to put out the sun6 ,who knows whether my pride has not provoked the same wish on the part of some one of my brothers who does not see8 ,but how much oftener have ,i erred through levity and want of thought6 ,how many resolutions have ,i taken at random6 how many judgments have ,i pronounced for the sake of a witticism6 how many mischiefs have ,i not done without any sense of my responsibility6 ,the greater part of men harm one another for the sake of doing something4 ,we laugh at the honor of one1 and compromise the reputation of another1 like an idle man who saunters along a hedgerow1 breaking the young branches and destroying the most beautiful flowers4 ,and1 nevertheless1 it is by this very thoughtlessness that the fame of some men is created4 ,it rises gradually1 like one of those mysterious mounds in barbarous countries1 to which a stone is added by every passerby2 each one brings something at random1 and adds it as he passes1 without being able himself to see whether he is raising a pedestal or a gibbet4 ,who will dare look behind him1 to see his rash judgments held up there to view8 ,some time ago ,i was walking along the edge of the green mound on which the ,montmartre telegraph stands4 ,below me1 along one of the zigzag paths which wind up the hill1 a man and a girl were coming up1 and arrested my attention4 ,the man wore a shaggy coat1 which gave him some resemblance to a wild beast2 and he held a thick stick in his hand1 with which he described various strange figures in the air4 ,he spoke very loud1 and in a voice which seemed to me convulsed with passion4 ,he raised his eyes every now and then with an expression of savage harshness1 and it appeared to me that he was reproaching and threatening the girl1 and that she was listening to him with a submissiveness which touched my heart4 ,two or three times she ventured a few words1 doubtless in the attempt to justify herself2 but the man in the greatcoat began again immediately with his loud and angry voice1 his savage looks1 and his threatening evolutions in the air4 ,i followed him with my eyes1 vainly endeavoring to catch a word as he passed1 until he disappeared behind the hill4 ,i had evidently just seen one of those domestic tyrants whose sullen tempers are excited by the patience of their victims1 and who1 though they have the power to become the beneficent gods of a family1 choose rather to be their tormentors4 ,i cursed the unknown savage in my heart1 and ,i felt indignant that these crimes against the sacred peace of home could not be punished as they deserve1 when ,i heard his voice approaching nearer4 ,he had turned the path1 and soon appeared before me at the top of the slope4 ,the first glance1 and his first words1 explained everything to me3 in place of what ,i had taken for the furious tones and terrible looks of an angry man1 and the attitude of a frightened victim1 ,i had before me only an honest citizen1 who squinted and stuttered1 but who was explaining the management of silkworms to his attentive daughter4 ,i turned homeward1 smiling at my mistake2 but before ,i reached my faubourg ,i saw a crowd running1 ,i heard calls for help1 and every finger pointed in the same direction to a distant column of flame4 ,a manufactory had taken fire1 and everybody was rushing forward to assist in extinguishing it4 ,i hesitated4 ,night was coming on2 ,i felt tired2 a favorite book was awaiting me2 ,i thought there would be no want of help1 and ,i went on my way4 ,just before ,i had erred from want of consideration2 now it was from selfishness and cowardice4 ,but what6 have ,i not on a thousand other occasions forgotten the duties which bind us to our fellowmen8 ,is this the first time ,i have avoided paying society what ,i owe it8 ,have ,i not always behaved to my companions with injustice1 and like the lion8 ,have ,i not claimed successively every share8 ,if any one is so ill-advised as to ask me to return some little portion1 ,i get provoked1 ,i am angry1 ,i try to escape from it by every means4 ,how many times1 when ,i have perceived a beggar sitting huddled up at the end of the street1 have ,i not gone out of my way1 for fear that compassion would impoverish me by forcing me to be charitable6 ,how often have ,i doubted the misfortunes of others1 that ,i might with justice harden my heart against them4 ,with what satisfaction have ,i sometimes verified the vices of the poor man1 in order to show that his misery is the punishment he deserves6 ,oh6 let us not go farther--let us not go farther6 ,i interrupted the doctor's examination1 but how much sadder is this one6 ,we pity the diseases of the body2 we shudder at those of the soul4 ,i was happily disturbed in my reverie by my neighbor1 the old soldier4 ,now ,i think of it1 ,i seem always to have seen1 during my fever1 the figure of this good old man1 sometimes leaning against my bed1 and sometimes sitting at his table1 surrounded by his sheets of pasteboard4 ,he has just come in with his glue-pot1 his quire of green paper1 and his great scissors4 ,i called him by his name2 he uttered a joyful exclamation1 and came near me4 ,well6 so the bullet is found again6 cried he1 taking my two hands into the maimed one which was left him2 it has not been without trouble1 ,i can tell you2 the campaign has been long enough to win two clasps in4 ,i have seen no few fellows with the fever batter windmills during my hospital days3 at ,leipsic1 ,i had a neighbor who fancied a chimney was on fire in his stomach1 and who was always calling for the fire-engines2 but the third day it all went out of itself4 ,but with you it has lasted twenty-eight days--as long as one of the ,little ,corporal's campaigns4 ,i am not mistaken then2 you were near me8 ,well6 ,i had only to cross the passage4 ,this left hand has not made you a bad nurse for want of the right2 but1 bah6 you did not know what hand gave you drink1 and it did not prevent that beggar of a fever from being drowned--for all the world like ,poniatowski in the ,elster4 ,the old soldier began to laugh1 and ,i1 feeling too much affected to speak1 pressed his hand against my breast4 ,he saw my emotion1 and hastened to put an end to it4 ,by-the-bye1 you know that from to-day you have a right to draw your rations again1 resumed he gayly2 four meals1 like the ,german meinherrs --nothing more6 ,the doctor is your house steward4 ,we must find the cook1 too1 replied ,i1 with a smile4 ,she is found1 said the veteran4 ,who is she8 ,genevieve4 ,the fruit-woman8 ,while ,i am talking she is cooking for you1 neighbor2 and do not fear her sparing either butter or trouble4 ,as long as life and death were fighting for you1 the honest woman passed her time in going up and down stairs to learn which way the battle went4 ,and1 stay1 ,i am sure this is she4 ,in fact we heard steps in the passage1 and he went to open the door4 ,oh1 well6 continued he1 it is ,mother ,millot1 our portress1 another of your good friends1 neighbor1 and whose poultices ,i recommend to you4 ,come in1 ,mother ,millot--come in2 we are quite bonny boys this morning1 and ready to step a minuet if we had our dancing-shoes4 ,the portress came in1 quite delighted4 ,she brought my linen1 washed and mended by herself1 with a little bottle of ,spanish wine1 the gift of her sailor son1 and kept for great occasions4 ,i would have thanked her1 but the good woman imposed silence upon me1 under the pretext that the doctor had forbidden me to speak4 ,i saw her arrange everything in my drawers1 the neat appearance of which struck me2 an attentive hand had evidently been there1 and day by day put straight the unavoidable disorder consequent on sickness4 ,as she finished1 ,genevieve arrived with my dinner2 she was followed by ,mother ,denis1 the milk-woman over the way1 who had learned1 at the same time1 the danger ,i had been in1 and that ,i was now beginning to be convalescent4 ,the good ,savoyard brought me a new-laid egg1 which she herself wished to see me eat4 ,it was necessary to relate minutely all my illness to her4 ,at every detail she uttered loud exclamations2 then1 when the portress warned her to be less noisy1 she excused herself in a whisper4 ,they made a circle around me to see me eat my dinner2 each mouthful ,i took was accompanied by their expressions of satisfaction and thankfulness4 ,never had the ,king of ,france1 when he dined in public1 excited such admiration among the spectators4 ,as they were taking the dinner away1 my colleague1 the old cashier1 entered in his turn4 ,i could not prevent my heart beating as ,i recognized him4 ,how would the heads of the firm look upon my absence1 and what did he come to tell me8 ,i waited with inexpressible anxiety for him to speak2 but he sat down by me1 took my hand1 and began rejoicing over my recovery1 without saying a word about our masters4 ,i could not endure this uncertainty any longer4 ,and the ,messieurs ,durmer1 asked ,i1 hesitatingly1 how have they taken-- the interruption to my work8 ,there has been no interruption1 replied the old clerk1 quietly4 ,what do you mean8 ,each one in the office took a share of your duty2 all has gone on as usual1 and the ,messieurs ,durmer have perceived no difference4 ,this was too much4 ,after so many instances of affection1 this filled up the measure4 ,i could not restrain my tears4 ,thus the few services ,i had been able to do for others had been acknowledged by them a hundredfold6 ,i had sown a little seed1 and every grain had fallen on good ground1 and brought forth a whole sheaf4 ,ah6 this completes the lesson the doctor gave me4 ,if it is true that the diseases1 whether of the mind or body1 are the fruit of our follies and our vices1 sympathy and affection are also the rewards of our having done our duty4 ,every one of us1 with ,god's help1 and within the narrow limits of human capability1 himself makes his own disposition1 character1 and permanent condition4 ,everybody is gone2 the old soldier has brought me back my flowers and my birds1 and they are my only companions4 ,the setting sun reddens my half- closed curtains with its last rays4 ,my brain is clear1 and my heart lighter4 ,a thin mist floats before my eyes1 and ,i feel myself in that happy state which precedes a refreshing sleep4 ,yonder1 opposite the bed1 the pale goddess in her drapery of a thousand changing colors1 and with her withered garland1 again appears before me2 but this time ,i hold out my hand to her with a grateful smile4 ,adieu1 beloved year6 whom ,i but now unjustly accused4 ,that which ,i have suffered must not be laid to thee2 for thou wast but a tract through which ,god had marked out my road--a ground where ,i had reaped the harvest ,i had sown4 ,i will love thee1 thou wayside shelter1 for those hours of happiness thou hast seen me enjoy2 ,i will love thee even for the suffering thou hast seen me endure4 ,neither happiness nor suffering came from thee2 but thou hast been the scene for them4 ,descend again then1 in peace1 into eternity1 and be blest1 thou who hast left me experience in the place of youth1 sweet memories instead of past time1 and gratitude as payment for good offices4 ,,etext ,,editor',s ,,bookmarks3 ,ambroise ,pare3 ',i tend him1 ,god cures him6' ,are we then bound to others only by the enforcement of laws ,attach a sense of remorse to each of my pleasures ,but above these ruins rises a calm and happy face ,contemptuous pride of knowledge ,death1 that faithful friend of the wretched ,houses are vessels which take mere passengers ,i make it a rule never to have any hope ,ignorant of what there is to wish for ,looks on an accomplished duty neither as a merit nor a grievance ,more stir than work ,nothing is dishonorable which is useful ,richer than ,france herself1 for ,i have no deficit in my budget ,satisfy our wants1 if we know how to set bounds to them ,sensible man1 who has observed much and speaks little ,sullen tempers are excited by the patience of their victims ,the happiness of the wise man costs but little ,we do not understand that others may live on their own account ,what have you done with the days ,god granted you ,you may know the game by the lair