,,the ,,gentlemen',s ,,book ,,of ,,etiquette1 ,,and ,,manual ,,of ,,politeness2 ,,being ,a ,,complete ,,guide ,,for ,a ,,gentleman',s ,,conduct ,,in ,,all ,,his ,,relations ,,towards ,,society4 ,,containing ,,rules ,,for ,,the ,,etiquette ,,to ,,be ,,observed ,,in ,,the ,,street1 ,,at ,,table1 ,,in ,,the ,,ball ,,room1 ,,evening ,,party1 ,,and ,,morning ,,call2 ,,with ,,full ,,directions ,,for ,,polite ,,correspondence1 ,,dress1 ,,conversation1 ,,manly ,,exercises1 ,,and ,,accomplishments4 ,,from ,,the ,,best ,,french1 ,,english1 ,,and ,,american ,,authorities4 ,,by ,,cecil ,b4 ,,hartley4 ,,boston3 ,g4 ,w4 ,,cottrell1 ,,publisher1 #cf ,,cornhill4 ,entered according to the ,act of ,congress1 in the year #ahfj1 by ,g4 ,g4 ,,evans1 in the ,clerk's ,office of the ,district ,court for the ,eastern ,district of ,pennsylvania4 ,,introduction4 ,man was not intended to live like a bear or a hermit1 apart from others of his own nature1 and1 philosophy and reason will each agree with me1 that man was born for sociability and finds his true delight in society4 ,society is a word capable of many meanings1 and used here in each and all of them4 ,society1 par excellence2 the world at large2 the little clique to which he is bound by early ties2 the companionship of friends or relatives2 even society tete a tete with one dear sympathizing soul1 are pleasant states for a man to be in4 ,taking the word in its most extended view1 it is the world2 but in the light we wish to impress in our book it is the smaller world of the changing1 pleasant intercourse of each city or town in which our reader may chance to abide4 ,this society1 composed1 as it is1 of many varying natures and elements1 where each individual must submit to merge his own identity into the universal whole1 which makes the word and state1 is divided and subdivided into various cliques1 and has a pastime for every disposition1 grave or gay2 and with each division rises up a new set of forms and ceremonies to be observed if you wish to glide down the current of polite life1 smoothly and pleasantly4 ,the young man who makes his first entrance into the world of society1 should know how to choose his friends1 and next how to conduct himself towards them4 ,experience is1 of course1 the best guide1 but at first starting this must come second hand1 from an older friend1 or from books4 ,a judicious friend is the best guide2 but how is the young man to know whom to choose8 ,when at home this friend is easily selected2 but in this country1 where each bird leaves the parent nest as soon as his wings will bear him safely up1 there are but few who stay amongst the friends at home4 ,next then comes the instruction from books4 ,true a book will not fully supply the place either of experience or friendly advice1 still it may be made useful1 and1 carefully written from the experience of heads grown gray in society1 with only well authenticated rules1 it will be a guide not to be despised by the young aspirant for favor in polite and refined circles4 ,you go into society from mixed motives2 partly for pleasure1 recreation after the fatigues of your daily duties1 and partly that you may become known4 ,in a republican country where one man's opportunities for rising are as good as those of another1 ambition will lead every rising man into society4 ,you may set it down as a rule1 that as you treat the world1 so the world will treat you4 ,carry into the circles of society a refined1 polished manner1 and an amiable desire to please1 and it will meet you with smiling grace1 and lead you forward pleasantly along the flowery paths2 go1 on the contrary1 with a brusque1 rude manner1 startling all the silky softness before you with cut and thrust remarks1 carrying only the hard realities of life in your hand1 and you will find society armed to meet you1 showing only sharp corners and thorny places for your blundering footsteps to stumble against4 ,you will find in every circle that etiquette holds some sway2 her rule is despotic in some places1 in others mild1 and easily set aside4 ,your first lesson in society will be to study where she reigns supreme1 in her crown and holding her sceptre1 and where she only glides in with a gentle hint or so1 and timidly steps out if rebuked2 and let your conduct be governed by the result of your observations4 ,you will soon become familiar with the signs1 and tell on your first entrance into a room whether kid gloves and exquisite finish of manner will be appropriate1 or whether it is hail1 fellow1 well met with the inmates4 ,remember1 however1 once a gentleman always a gentleman1 and be sure that you can so carry out the rule1 that in your most careless1 joyous moments1 when freest from the restraints of etiquette1 you can still be recognizable as a gentleman by every act1 word1 or look4 ,avoid too great a restraint of manner4 ,stiffness is not politeness1 and1 while you observe every rule1 you may appear to heed none4 ,to make your politeness part of yourself1 inseparable from every action1 is the height of gentlemanly elegance and finish of manner4 ,,contents4 ,,page ,,introduction #c ,,chapter ,i4 ,,conversation #aa ,,chapter ,,ii4 ,,politeness #ca ,,chapter ,,iii4 ,,table ,,etiquette #ej ,,chapter ,,iv4 ,,etiquette ,,in ,,the ,,street #ff ,,chapter ,v4 ,,etiquette ,,for ,,calling #ge ,,chapter ,,vi4 ,,etiquette ,,for ,,the ,,ball ,,room #ia ,,chapter ,,vii4 ,,dress #aaf ,,chapter ,,viii4 ,,manly ,,exercises #aed ,,chapter ,,ix4 ,,traveling #agf ,,chapter ,x4 ,,etiquette ,,in ,,church #ahc ,,chapter ,,xi4 ,,one ,,hundred ,,hints ,,for ,,gentlemanly ,,deportment #ahf ,,chapter ,,xii4 ,,parties #bbb ,,chapter ,,xiii4 ,,courtesy ,,at ,,home #bbh ,,chapter ,,xiv4 ,,true ,,courtesy #bdd ,,chapter ,,xv4 ,,letter ,,writing #beb ,,chapter ,,xvi4 ,,wedding ,,etiquette #bhj ,,chapter ,,xvii4 ,,etiquette ,,for ,,places ,,of ,,amusement #bid ,,chapter ,,xviii4 ,,miscellaneous #bih ,,gentlemen',s ,,book ,,of ,,etiquette4 ,,chapter ,i4 ,,conversation4 ,one of the first rules for a guide in polite conversation1 is to avoid political or religious discussions in general society4 ,such discussions lead almost invariably to irritating differences of opinion1 often to open quarrels1 and a coolness of feeling which might have been avoided by dropping the distasteful subject as soon as marked differences of opinion arose4 ,it is but one out of many that can discuss either political or religious differences1 with candor and judgment1 and yet so far control his language and temper as to avoid either giving or taking offence4 ,in their place1 in circles which have met for such discussions1 in a tte tte conversation1 in a small party of gentlemen where each is ready courteously to listen to the others1 politics may be discussed with perfect propriety1 but in the drawing-room1 at the dinner-table1 or in the society of ladies1 these topics are best avoided4 ,if you are drawn into such a discussion without intending to be so1 be careful that your individual opinion does not lead you into language and actions unbecoming a gentleman4 ,listen courteously to those whose opinions do not agree with yours1 and keep your temper4 ,a man in a passion ceases to be a gentleman4 ,even if convinced that your opponent is utterly wrong1 yield gracefully1 decline further discussion1 or dextrously turn the conversation1 but do not obstinately defend your own opinion until you become angry1 or more excited than is becoming to a gentleman4 ,many there are who1 giving their opinion1 not as an opinion but as a law1 will defend their position by such phrases1 as3 ,well1 if ,i were president1 or governor1 ,i would1 c4--and while by the warmth of their argument they prove that they are utterly unable to govern their own temper1 they will endeavor to persuade you that they are perfectly competent to take charge of the government of the nation4 ,retain1 if you will1 a fixed political opinion1 yet do not parade it upon all occasions1 and1 above all1 do not endeavor to force others to agree with you4 ,listen calmly to their ideas upon the same subjects1 and if you cannot agree1 differ politely1 and while your opponent may set you down as a bad politician1 let him be obliged to admit that you are a gentleman4 ,wit and vivacity are two highly important ingredients in the conversation of a man in polite society1 yet a straining for effect1 or forced wit1 is in excessively bad taste4 ,there is no one more insupportable in society than the everlasting talkers who scatter puns1 witticisms1 and jokes with so profuse a hand that they become as tiresome as a comic newspaper1 and whose loud laugh at their own wit drowns other voices which might speak matter more interesting4 ,the really witty man does not shower forth his wit so indiscriminately2 his charm consists in wielding his powerful weapon delicately and easily1 and making each highly polished witticism come in the right place and moment to be effectual4 ,while real wit is a most delightful gift1 and its use a most charming accomplishment1 it is1 like many other bright weapons1 dangerous to use too often4 ,you may wound where you meant only to amuse1 and remarks which you mean only in for general applications1 may be construed into personal affronts1 so1 if you have the gift1 use it wisely1 and not too freely4 ,the most important requisite for a good conversational power is education1 and1 by this is meant1 not merely the matter you may store in your memory from observation or books1 though this is of vast importance1 but it also includes the developing of the mental powers1 and1 above all1 the comprehension4 ,an ,english writer says1 ,a man should be able1 in order to enter into conversation1 to catch rapidly the meaning of anything that is advanced2 for instance1 though you know nothing of science1 you should not be obliged to stare and be silent1 when a man who does understand it is explaining a new discovery or a new theory2 though you have not read a word of ,blackstone1 your comprehensive powers should be sufficiently acute to enable you to take in the statement that may be made of a recent cause2 though you may not have read some particular book1 you should be capable of appreciating the criticism which you hear of it4 ,without such power--simple enough1 and easily attained by attention and practice1 yet too seldom met with in general society--a conversation which departs from the most ordinary topics cannot be maintained without the risk of lapsing into a lecture2 with such power1 society becomes instructive as well as amusing1 and you have no remorse at an evening's end at having wasted three or four hours in profitless banter1 or simpering platitudes4 ,this facility of comprehension often startles us in some women1 whose education we know to have been poor1 and whose reading is limited4 ,if they did not rapidly receive your ideas1 they could not1 therefore1 be fit companions for intellectual men1 and it is1 perhaps1 their consciousness of a deficiency which leads them to pay the more attention to what you say4 ,it is this which makes married women so much more agreeable to men of thought than young ladies1 as a rule1 can be1 for they are accustomed to the society of a husband1 and the effort to be a companion to his mind has engrafted the habit of attention and ready reply4 ,the same author says3 ,no less important is the cultivation of taste4 ,if it is tiresome and deadening to be with people who cannot understand1 and will not even appear to be interested in your better thoughts1 it is almost repulsive to find a man insensible to all beauty1 and immovable by any horror4 ,in the present day an acquaintance with art1 even if you have no love for it1 is a sine qu non of good society4 ,music and painting are subjects which will be discussed in every direction around you4 ,it is only in bad society that people go to the opera1 concerts1 and art-exhibitions merely because it is the fashion1 or to say they have been there2 and if you confessed to such a weakness in really good society1 you would be justly voted a puppy4 ,for this1 too1 some book knowledge is indispensable4 ,you should at least know the names of the more celebrated artists1 composers1 architects1 sculptors1 and so forth1 and should be able to approximate their several schools4 ,so too1 you should know pretty accurately the pronunciation of celebrated names1 or1 if not1 take care not to use them4 ,it will never do to be ignorant of the names and approximate ages of great composers1 especially in large cities1 where music is so highly appreciated and so common a theme4 ,it will be decidedly condemnatory if you talk of the new opera ',don ,giovanni1' or ,rossini's ',trovatore1' or are ignorant who composed ',fidelio1' and in what opera occur such common pieces as ',ciascun lo dice1' or ',il segreto4' ,i do not say that these trifles are indispensable1 and when a man has better knowledge to offer1 especially with genius or 'cleverness' to back it1 he will not only be pardoned for an ignorance of them1 but can even take a high tone1 and profess indifference or contempt of them4 ,but1 at the same time1 such ignorance stamps an ordinary man1 and hinders conversation4 ,on the other hand the best society will not endure dilettantism1 and1 whatever the knowledge a man may possess of any art1 he must not display it so as to make the ignorance of others painful to them4 ,but this applies to every topic4 ,to have only one or two subjects to converse on1 and to discourse rather than talk on them1 is always ill-bred1 whether the theme be literature or horseflesh4 ,the gentleman jockey will probably denounce the former as a 'bore1' and call us pedants for dwelling on it2 but if1 as is too often the case1 he can give us nothing more general than the discussion of the 'points' of a horse that1 perhaps1 we have never seen1 he is as great a pedant in his way4 ,reason plays a less conspicuous part in good society because its frequenters are too reasonable to be mere reasoners4 ,a disputation is always dangerous to temper1 and tedious to those who cannot feel as eager as the disputants2 a discussion1 on the other hand1 in which every body has a chance of stating amicably and unobtrusively his or her opinion1 must be of frequent occurrence4 ,but to cultivate the reason1 besides its high moral value1 has the advantage of enabling one to reply as well as attend to the opinions of others4 ,nothing is more tedious or disheartening than a perpetual1 ',yes1 just so1' and nothing more4 ,conversation must never be one-sided4 ,then1 again1 the reason enables us to support a fancy or an opinion1 when we are asked why we think so4 ,to reply1 ',i don't know1 but still ,i think so1' is silly and tedious4 ,but there is a part of our education so important and so neglected in our schools and colleges1 that it cannot be too highly impressed on the young man who proposes to enter society4 ,i mean that which we learn first of all things1 yet often have not learned fully when death eases us of the necessity--the art of speaking our own language4 ,what can ,greek and ,latin1 ,french and ,german be for us in our every-day life1 if we have not acquired this8 ,we are often encouraged to raise a laugh at ,doctor ,syntax and the tyranny of ,grammar1 but we may be certain that more misunderstandings1 and1 therefore1 more difficulties arise between men in the commonest intercourse from a want of grammatical precision than from any other cause4 ,it was once the fashion to neglect grammar1 as it now is with certain people to write illegibly1 and1 in the days of ,goethe1 a man thought himself a genius if he could spell badly4 ,precision and accuracy must begin in the very outset2 and if we neglect them in grammar1 we shall scarcely acquire them in expressing our thoughts4 ,but since there is no society without interchange of thought1 and since the best society is that in which the best thoughts are interchanged in the best and most comprehensible manner1 it follows that a proper mode of expressing ourselves is indispensable in good society4 ,the art of expressing one's thoughts neatly and suitably is one which1 in the neglect of rhetoric as a study1 we must practice for ourselves4 ,the commonest thought well put is more useful in a social point of view1 than the most brilliant idea jumbled out4 ,what is well expressed is easily seized1 and therefore readily responded to2 the most poetic fancy may be lost to the hearer1 if the language which conveys it is obscure4 ,speech is the gift which distinguishes man from animals1 and makes society possible4 ,he has but a poor appreciation of his high privilege as a human being1 who neglects to cultivate1 ',god's great gift of speech4' ,as ,i am not writing for men of genius1 but for ordinary beings1 ,i am right to state that an indispensable part of education is a knowledge of the literature of the ,english language4 ,but how to read1 is1 for society more important than what we read4 ,the man who takes up nothing but a newspaper1 but reads it to think1 to deduct conclusions from its premises1 and form a judgment on its opinions1 is more fitted for society than he1 who having all the current literature and devoting his whole time to its perusal1 swallows it all without digestion4 ,in fact1 the mind must be treated like the body1 and however great its appetite1 it will soon fall into bad health if it gorges1 but does not ruminate4 ,at the same time an acquaintance with the best current literature is necessary to modern society1 and it is not sufficient to have read a book without being able to pass a judgment upon it4 ,conversation on literature is impossible1 when your respondent can only say1 ',yes4 ,i like the book1 but ,i really don't know why4' ,an acquaintance with old ,english literature is not perhaps indispensable1 but it gives a man great advantage in all kinds of society1 and in some he is at a constant loss without it4 ,the same may be said of foreign literature1 which in the present day is almost as much discussed as our own2 but1 on the other hand1 an acquaintance with home and foreign politics1 with current history1 and subjects of passing interest1 is absolutely necessary2 and a person of sufficient intelligence to join in good society1 cannot dispense with his daily newspaper1 his literary journal1 and the principal reviews and magazines4 ,the cheapness of every kind of literature1 the facilities of our well stored circulating libraries1 our public reading rooms1 and numerous excellent lectures on every possible subject1 leave no excuse to poor or rich for an ignorance of any of the topics discussed in intellectual society4 ,you may forget your ,latin1 ,greek1 ,french1 ,german1 and ,mathematics1 but if you frequent good company1 you will never be allowed to forget that you are a citizen of the world4 ,a man of real intelligence and cultivated mind1 is generally modest4 ,he may feel when in every day society1 that in intellectual acquirements he is above those around him2 but he will not seek to make his companions feel their inferiority1 nor try to display this advantage over them4 ,he will discuss with frank simplicity the topics started by others1 and endeavor to avoid starting such as they will not feel inclined to discuss4 ,all that he says will be marked by politeness and deference to the feelings and opinions of others4 ,la ,bruyere says1 ,the great charm of conversation consists less in the display of one's own wit and intelligence1 than in the power to draw forth the resources of others2 he who leaves you after a long conversation1 pleased with himself and the part he has taken in the discourse1 will be your warmest admirer4 ,men do not care to admire you1 they wish you to be pleased with them2 they do not seek for instruction or even amusement from your discourse1 but they do wish you to be made acquainted with their talents and powers of conversation2 and the true man of genius will delicately make all who come in contact with him1 feel the exquisite satisfaction of knowing that they have appeared to advantage4 ,having admitted the above to be an incontestable fact1 you will also see that it is as great an accomplishment to listen with an air of interest and attention1 as it is to speak well4 ,to be a good listener is as indispensable as to be a good talker1 and it is in the character of listener that you can most readily detect the man who is accustomed to good society4 ,nothing is more embarrassing to any one who is speaking1 than to perceive signs of weariness or inattention in the person whom he addresses4 ,never interrupt any one who is speaking2 it is quite as rude to officiously supply a name or date about which another hesitates1 unless you are asked to do so4 ,another gross breach of etiquette1 is to anticipate the point of a story which another person is reciting1 or to take it from his lips to finish it in your own language4 ,some persons plead as an excuse for this breach of etiquette1 that the reciter was spoiling a good story by a bad manner1 but this does not mend the matter4 ,it is surely rude to give a man to understand that you do not consider him capable of finishing an anecdote that he has commenced4 ,it is ill-bred to put on an air of weariness during a long speech from another person1 and quite as rude to look at a watch1 read a letter1 flirt the leaves of a book1 or in any other action show that you are tired of the speaker or his subject4 ,in a general conversation1 never speak when another person is speaking1 and never try by raising your own voice to drown that of another4 ,never assume an air of haughtiness1 or speak in a dictatorial manner2 let your conversation be always amiable and frank1 free from every affectation4 ,put yourself on the same level as the person to whom you speak1 and under penalty of being considered a pedantic idiot1 refraining from explaining any expression or word that you may use4 ,never1 unless you are requested to do so1 speak of your own business or profession in society2 to confine your conversation entirely to the subject or pursuit which is your own speciality is low-bred and vulgar4 ,make the subject for conversation suit the company in which you are placed4 ,joyous1 light conversation will be at times as much out of place1 as a sermon would be at a dancing party4 ,let your conversation be grave or gay as suits the time or place4 ,in a dispute1 if you cannot reconcile the parties1 withdraw from them4 ,you will surely make one enemy1 perhaps two1 by taking either side1 in an argument when the speakers have lost their temper4 ,never gesticulate in every day conversation1 unless you wish to be mistaken for a fifth rate comedian4 ,never ask any one who is conversing with you to repeat his words4 ,nothing is ruder than to say1 ,pardon me1 will you repeat that sentence--,i did not hear you at first1 and thus imply that your attention was wandering when he first spoke4 ,never1 during a general conversation1 endeavor to concentrate the attention wholly upon yourself4 ,it is quite as rude to enter into conversation with one of a group1 and endeavor to draw him out of the circle of general conversation to talk with you alone4 ,never listen to the conversation of two persons who have thus withdrawn from a group4 ,if they are so near you that you cannot avoid hearing them1 you may1 with perfect propriety1 change your seat4 ,make your own share in conversation as modest and brief as is consistent with the subject under consideration1 and avoid long speeches and tedious stories4 ,if1 however1 another1 particularly an old man1 tells a long story1 or one that is not new to you1 listen respectfully until he has finished1 before you speak again4 ,speak of yourself but little4 ,your friends will find out your virtues without forcing you to tell them1 and you may feel confident that it is equally unnecessary to expose your faults yourself4 ,if you submit to flattery1 you must also submit to the imputation of folly and self-conceit4 ,in speaking of your friends1 do not compare them1 one with another4 ,speak of the merits of each one1 but do not try to heighten the virtues of one by contrasting them with the vices of another4 ,no matter how absurd are the anecdotes that may be told in your presence1 you must never give any sign of incredulity4 ,they may be true2 and even if false1 good breeding forces you to hear them with polite attention1 and the appearance of belief4 ,to show by word or sign any token of incredulity1 is to give the lie to the narrator1 and that is an unpardonable insult4 ,avoid1 in conversation all subjects which can injure the absent4 ,a gentleman will never calumniate or listen to calumny4 ,need ,i say that no gentleman will ever soil his mouth with an oath4 ,above all1 to swear in a drawing-room or before ladies is not only indelicate and vulgar in the extreme1 but evinces a shocking ignorance of the rules of polite society and good breeding4 ,for a long time the world has adopted a certain form of speech which is used in good society1 and which changing often1 is yet one of the distinctive marks of a gentleman4 ,a word or even a phrase which has been used among the most refined circles1 will1 sometimes1 by a sudden freak of fashion1 from being caricatured in a farce or song1 or from some other cause1 go entirely out of use4 ,nothing but habitual intercourse with people of refinement and education1 and mingling in general society1 will teach a gentleman what words to use and what to avoid4 ,yet there are some words which are now entirely out of place in a parlor4 ,avoid a declamatory style2 some men1 before speaking1 will wave their hands as if commanding silence1 and1 having succeeded in obtaining the attention of the company1 will speak in a tone1 and style1 perfectly suitable for the theatre or lecture room1 but entirely out of place in a parlor4 ,such men entirely defeat the object of society1 for they resent interruption1 and1 as their talk flows in a constant stream1 no one else can speak without interrupting the pompous idiot who thus endeavors to engross the entire attention of the circle around him4 ,this character will be met with constantly1 and generally joins to the other disagreeable traits an egotism as tiresome as it is ill-bred4 ,the wittiest man becomes tedious and ill-bred when he endeavors to engross entirely the attention of the company in which he should take a more modest part4 ,avoid set phrases1 and use quotations but rarely4 ,they sometimes make a very piquant addition to conversation1 but when they become a constant habit1 they are exceedingly tedious1 and in bad taste4 ,avoid pedantry2 it is a mark1 not of intelligence1 but stupidity4 ,speak your own language correctly2 at the same time do not be too great a stickler for formal correctness of phrases4 ,never notice it if others make mistakes in language4 ,to notice by word or look such errors in those around you1 is excessively ill-bred4 ,vulgar language and slang1 though in common1 unfortunately too common use1 are unbecoming in any one who pretends to be a gentleman4 ,many of the words heard now in the parlor and drawing-room1 derive their origin from sources which a gentleman would hesitate to mention before ladies1 yet he will make daily use of the offensive word or phrase4 ,if you are a professional or scientific man1 avoid the use of technical terms4 ,they are in bad taste1 because many will not understand them4 ,if1 however1 you unconsciously use such a term or phrase1 do not then commit the still greater error of explaining its meaning4 ,no one will thank you for thus implying their ignorance4 ,in conversing with a foreigner who speaks imperfect ,english1 listen with strict attention1 yet do not supply a word1 or phrase1 if he hesitates4 ,above all1 do not by a word or gesture show impatience if he makes pauses or blunders4 ,if you understand his language1 say so when you first speak to him2 this is not making a display of your own knowledge1 but is a kindness1 as a foreigner will be pleased to hear and speak his own language when in a strange country4 ,be careful in society never to play the part of buffoon1 for you will soon become known as the funny man of the party1 and no character is so perilous to your dignity as a gentleman4 ,you lay yourself open to both censure and ridicule1 and you may feel sure that1 for every person who laughs with you1 two are laughing at you1 and for one who admires you1 two will watch your antics with secret contempt4 ,avoid boasting4 ,to speak of your money1 connections1 or the luxuries at your command is in very bad taste4 ,it is quite as ill-bred to boast of your intimacy with distinguished people4 ,if their names occur naturally in the course of conversation1 it is very well2 but to be constantly quoting1 my friend1 ,gov4 ,c----1 or my intimate friend1 the president1 is pompous and in bad taste4 ,while refusing the part of jester yourself1 do not1 by stiff manners1 or cold1 contemptuous looks1 endeavor to check the innocent mirth of others4 ,it is in excessively bad taste to drag in a grave subject of conversation when pleasant1 bantering talk is going on around you4 ,join in pleasantly and forget your graver thoughts for the time1 and you will win more popularity than if you chill the merry circle or turn their innocent gayety to grave discussions4 ,when thrown into the society of literary people1 do not question them about their works4 ,to speak in terms of admiration of any work to the author is in bad taste2 but you may give pleasure1 if1 by a quotation from their writings1 or a happy reference to them1 you prove that you have read and appreciated them4 ,it is extremely rude and pedantic1 when engaged in general conversation1 to make quotations in a foreign language4 ,to use phrases which admit of a double meaning1 is ungentlemanly1 and1 if addressed to a lady1 they become positively insulting4 ,if you find you are becoming angry in a conversation1 either turn to another subject or keep silence4 ,you may utter1 in the heat of passion1 words which you would never use in a calmer moment1 and which you would bitterly repent when they were once said4 ,never talk of ropes to a man whose father was hanged is a vulgar but popular proverb4 ,avoid carefully subjects which may be construed into personalities1 and keep a strict reserve upon family matters4 ,avoid1 if you can1 seeing the skeleton in your friend's closet1 but if it is paraded for your special benefit1 regard it as a sacred confidence1 and never betray your knowledge to a third party4 ,if you have traveled1 although you will endeavor to improve your mind in such travel1 do not be constantly speaking of your journeyings4 ,nothing is more tiresome than a man who commences every phrase with1 ,when ,i was in ,paris1 or1 ,in ,italy ,i saw----4 ,when asking questions about persons who are not known to you1 in a drawing-room1 avoid using adjectives2 or you may enquire of a mother1 ,who is that awkward1 ugly girl8 and be answered1 ,sir1 that is my daughter4 ,avoid gossip2 in a woman it is detestable1 but in a man it is utterly despicable4 ,do not officiously offer assistance or advice in general society4 ,nobody will thank you for it4 ,ridicule and practical joking are both marks of a vulgar mind and low breeding4 ,avoid flattery4 ,a delicate compliment is permissible in conversation1 but flattery is broad1 coarse1 and to sensible people1 disgusting4 ,if you flatter your superiors1 they will distrust you1 thinking you have some selfish end2 if you flatter ladies1 they will despise you1 thinking you have no other conversation4 ,a lady of sense will feel more complimented if you converse with her upon instructive1 high subjects1 than if you address to her only the language of compliment4 ,in the latter case she will conclude that you consider her incapable of discussing higher subjects1 and you cannot expect her to be pleased at being considered merely a silly1 vain person1 who must be flattered into good humor4 ,avoid the evil of giving utterance to inflated expressions and remarks in common conversation4 ,it is a somewhat ungrateful task to tell those who would shrink from the imputation of a falsehood that they are in the daily habit of uttering untruths2 and yet1 if ,i proceed1 no other course than this can be taken by me4 ,it is of no use to adopt half measures2 plain speaking saves a deal of trouble4 ,the examples about to be given by me of exaggerated expressions1 are only a few of the many that are constantly in use4 ,whether you can acquit yourselves of the charge of occasionally using them1 ,i cannot tell2 but ,i dare not affirm for myself that ,i am altogether guiltless4 ,i was caught in the wet last night1 the rain came down in torrents4 ,most of us have been out in heavy rains2 but a torrent of water pouring down from the skies would a little surprise us1 after all4 ,i am wet to the skin1 and have not a dry thread upon me4 ,where these expressions are once used correctly1 they are used twenty times in opposition to the truth4 ,i tried to overtake him1 but in vain2 for he ran like lightning4 ,the celebrated racehorse ,eclipse is said to have run a mile in a minute1 but poor ,eclipse is left sadly behind by this expression4 ,he kept me standing out in the cold so long1 ,i thought ,i should have waited for ever4 ,there is not a particle of probability that such a thought could have been for one moment entertained4 ,as ,i came across the common1 the wind was as keen as a razor4 ,this is certainly a very keen remark1 but the worst of it is that its keenness far exceeds its correctness4 ,i went to the meeting1 but had hard work to get in2 for the place was crowded to suffocation4 ,in this case1 in justice to the veracity of the relater1 it is necessary to suppose that successful means had been used for his recovery4 ,it must have been a fine sight2 ,i would have given the world to have seen it4 ,fond as most of us are of sight-seeing1 this would be buying pleasure at a dear price indeed2 but it is an easy thing to proffer to part with that which we do not possess4 ,it made me quite low spirited2 my heart felt as heavy as lead4 ,we most of us know what a heavy heart is2 but lead is by no means the most correct metaphor to use in speaking of a heavy heart4 ,i could hardly find my way1 for the night was as dark as pitch4 ,i am afraid we have all in our turn calumniated the sky in this manner2 pitch is many shades darker than the darkest night we have ever known4 ,i have told him of that fault fifty times over4 ,five times would1 in all probability1 be much nearer the fact than fifty4 ,i never closed my eyes all night long4 ,if this be true1 you acted unwisely2 for had you closed your eyes1 you might1 perhaps1 have fallen asleep1 and enjoyed the blessing of refreshing slumber2 if it be not true1 you acted more unwisely still1 by stating that as a fact which is altogether untrue4 ,he is as tall as a church-spire4 ,i have met with some tall fellows in my time1 though the spire of a church is somewhat taller than the tallest of them4 ,you may buy a fish at the market as big as a jackass1 for five shillings4 ,i certainly have my doubts about this matter2 but if it be really true1 the market people must be jackasses indeed to sell such large fishes for so little money4 ,he was so fat he could hardly come in at the door4 ,most likely the difficulty here alluded to was never felt by any one but the relater2 supposing it to be otherwise1 the man must have been very broad or the door very narrow4 ,you don't say so6--why1 it was enough to kill him6 ,the fact that it did not kill him is a sufficient reply to this unfounded observation2 but no remark can be too absurd for an unbridled tongue4 ,thus might ,i run on for an hour1 and after all leave much unsaid on the subject of exaggerated expressions4 ,we are hearing continually the comparisons1 black as soot1 white as snow1 hot as fire1 cold as ice1 sharp as a needle1 dull as a door-nail1 light as a feather1 heavy as lead1 stiff as a poker1 and crooked as a crab-tree1 in cases where such expressions are quite out of order4 ,the practice of expressing ourselves in this inflated and thoughtless way1 is more mischievous than we are aware of4 ,it certainly leads us to sacrifice truth2 to misrepresent what we mean faithfully to describe2 to whiten our own characters1 and sometimes to blacken the reputation of a neighbor4 ,there is an uprightness in speech as well as in action1 that we ought to strive hard to attain4 ,the purity of truth is sullied1 and the standard of integrity is lowered1 by incorrect observations4 ,let us reflect upon this matter freely and faithfully4 ,let us love truth1 follow truth1 and practice truth in our thoughts1 our words1 and our deeds4 ,,chapter ,,ii4 ,,politeness4 ,real politeness is the outward expression of the most generous impulses of the heart4 ,it enforces unselfishness1 benevolence1 kindness1 and the golden rule1 ,do unto others as you would others should do unto you4 ,thus its first principle is love for the neighbor1 loving him as yourself4 ,when in society it would often be exceedingly difficult to decide how to treat those who are personally disagreeable to us1 if it were not for the rules of politeness1 and the little formalities and points of etiquette which these rules enforce4 ,these evidences of polite breeding do not prove hypocrisy1 as you may treat your most bitter enemy with perfect courtesy1 and yet make no protestations of friendship4 ,if politeness is but a mask1 as many philosophers tell us1 it is a mask which will win love and admiration1 and is better worn than cast aside4 ,if you wear it with the sincere desire to give pleasure to others1 and make all the little meetings of life pass off smoothly and agreeably1 it will soon cease to be a mask1 but you will find that the manner which you at first put on to give pleasure1 has become natural to you1 and wherever you have assumed a virtue to please others1 you will find the virtue becoming habitual and finally natural1 and part of yourself4 ,do not look upon the rules of etiquette as deceptions4 ,they are just as often vehicles for the expression of sincere feeling1 as they are the mask to conceal a want of it4 ,you will in society meet with men who rail against politeness1 and call it deceit and hypocrisy4 ,watch these men when they have an object to gain1 or are desirous of making a favorable impression1 and see them tacitly1 but unconsciously1 admit the power of courtesy1 by dropping for the time1 their uncouth ways1 to affect the politeness1 they oftentimes do not feel4 ,pass over the defects of others1 be prudent1 discreet1 at the proper time reserved1 yet at other times frank1 and treat others with the same gentle courtesy you would wish extended to yourself4 ,true politeness never embarrasses any one1 because its first object is to put all at their ease1 while it leaves to all perfect freedom of action4 ,you must meet rudeness from others by perfect politeness and polish of manner on your own part1 and you will thus shame those who have been uncivil to you4 ,you will more readily make them blush by your courtesy1 than if you met their rudeness by ill manners on your own part4 ,while a favor may be doubled in value1 by a frankly courteous manner of granting it1 a refusal will lose half its bitterness if your manner shows polite regret at your inability to oblige him who asks the favor at your hand4 ,politeness may be extended to the lowest and meanest1 and you will never by thus extending it detract from your own dignity4 ,a gentleman may and will treat his washerwoman with respect and courtesy1 and his boot-black with pleasant affability1 yet preserve perfectly his own position4 ,to really merit the name of a polite1 finished gentleman1 you must be polite at all times and under all circumstances4 ,there is a difference between politeness and etiquette4 ,real politeness is in-born1 and may exist in the savage1 while etiquette is the outward expression of politeness reduced to the rules current in good society4 ,a man may be polite1 really so in heart1 yet show in every movement an ignorance of the rules of etiquette1 and offend against the laws of society4 ,you may find him with his elbows upon the table1 or tilting his chair in a parlor4 ,you may see him commit every hour gross breaches of etiquette1 yet you will never hear him intentionally utter one word to wound another1 you will see that he habitually endeavors to make others comfortable1 choosing for them the easiest seats1 or the daintiest dishes1 and putting self entirely aside to contribute to the pleasure of all around him4 ,such a man will learn1 by contact with refined society1 that his ignorance of the rules which govern it1 make him1 at times1 disagreeable1 and from the same unselfish motive which prompts him to make a sacrifice of comfort for the sake of others1 he will watch and learn quickly1 almost by instinct1 where he offends against good breeding1 drop one by one his errors in etiquette1 and become truly a gentleman4 ,on the other hand1 you will meet constantly1 in the best society1 men whose polish of manner is exquisite1 who will perform to the minutest point the niceties of good breeding1 who never commit the least act that is forbidden by the strictest rules of etiquette2 yet under all this mask of chivalry1 gallantry1 and politeness will carry a cold1 selfish heart2 will1 with a sweet smile1 graceful bow1 and elegant language1 wound deeply the feelings of others1 and while passing in society for models of courtesy and elegance of manner1 be in feeling as cruel and barbarous as the veriest savage4 ,so ,i would say to you1 ,cultivate your heart4 ,cherish there the ,christian graces1 love for the neighbor1 unselfishness1 charity1 and gentleness1 and you will be truly a gentleman2 add to these the graceful forms of etiquette1 and you then become a perfect gentleman4 ,etiquette exists in every corner of the known world1 from the savages in the wilds of ,africa1 who dare not1 upon penalty of death1 approach their barbarous rulers without certain forms and ceremonies1 to the most refined circles of ,europe1 where gentle chivalry and a cultivated mind suggest its rules4 ,it has existed in all ages1 and the stringency of its laws in some countries has given rise to both ludicrous and tragic incidents4 ,in countries where royalty rules the etiquette1 it often happens that pride will blind those who make the rules1 and the results are often fatal4 ,believing that the same deference which their rank authorized them to demand1 was also due to them as individuals1 the result of such an idea was an etiquette as vain and useless as it was absurd4 ,for an example ,i will give an anecdote3 ,the kings of ,spain1 the proudest and vainest of all kings of the earth1 made a rule of etiquette as stupid as it was useless4 ,it was a fault punishable by death to touch the foot of the queen1 and the individual who thus offended1 no matter under what circumstances1 was executed immediately4 ,a young queen of ,spain1 wife of ,charles the ,second1 was riding on horseback in the midst of her attendants4 ,suddenly the horse reared and threw the queen from the saddle4 ,her foot remained in the stirrup1 and she was dragged along the ground4 ,an immense crowd stood looking at this spectacle1 but no one dared1 for his life1 to attempt to rescue the poor woman4 ,she would have died1 had not two young ,french officers1 ignorant of the stupid law which paralyzed the ,spaniards1 sprung forward and saved her4 ,one stopped the horse1 and whilst he held the bridle1 his companion disengaged from its painful position the foot of the young queen1 who was1 by this time1 insensible from fear and the bruises which she had already received4 ,they were instantly arrested1 and while the queen was carried on a litter to the palace1 her young champions were marched off1 accompanied by a strong guard1 to prison4 ,the next day1 sick and feeble1 the queen was obliged to leave her bed1 and on her knees before the king1 plead for the pardon of the two ,frenchmen2 and her prayer was only granted upon condition that the audacious foreigners left ,spain immediately4 ,there is no country in the world where the absurdities of etiquette are carried to so great a length as in ,spain1 because there is no nation where the nobility are so proud4 ,the following anecdote1 which illustrates this1 would seem incredible were it not a historical fact3 ,philip the ,third1 king of ,spain1 was sick1 and being able to sit up1 was carefully placed in an arm chair which stood opposite to a large fire1 when the wood was piled up to an enormous height4 ,the heat soon became intolerable1 and the courtiers retired from around the king2 but1 as the ,duke ,d',ussede1 the fire stirrer for the king1 was not present1 and as no one else had the right to touch the fire1 those present dared not attempt to diminish the heat4 ,the grand chamberlain was also absent1 and he alone was authorized to touch the king's footstool4 ,the poor king1 too ill to rise1 in vain implored those around him to move his chair1 no one dared touch it1 and when the grand chamberlain arrived1 the king had fainted with the heat1 and a few days later he died1 literally roasted to death4 ,at almost all times1 and in almost all places1 good breeding may be shown2 and we think a good service will be done by pointing out a few plain and simple instances in which it stands opposed to habits and manners1 which1 though improper and disagreeable1 are not very uncommon4 ,in the familiar intercourse of society1 a well-bred man will be known by the delicacy and deference with which he behaves towards females4 ,that man would deservedly be looked upon as very deficient in proper respect and feeling1 who should take any physical advantage of one of the weaker sex1 or offer any personal slight towards her4 ,woman looks1 and properly looks1 for protection to man4 ,it is the province of the husband to shield the wife from injury2 of the father to protect the daughter2 the brother has the same duty to perform towards the sister2 and1 in general1 every man should1 in this sense1 be the champion and the lover of every woman4 ,not only should he be ready to protect1 but desirous to please1 and willing to sacrifice much of his own personal ease and comfort1 if1 by doing so1 he can increase those of any female in whose company he may find himself4 ,putting these principles into practice1 a well-bred man1 in his own house1 will be kind and respectful in his behaviour to every female of the family4 ,he will not use towards them harsh language1 even if called upon to express dissatisfaction with their conduct4 ,in conversation1 he will abstain from every allusion which would put modesty to the blush4 ,he will1 as much as in his power1 lighten their labors by cheerful and voluntary assistance4 ,he will yield to them every little advantage which may occur in the regular routine of domestic life3--the most comfortable seat1 if there be a difference2 the warmest position by the winter's fireside2 the nicest slice from the family joint1 and so on4 ,in a public assembly of any kind1 a well-bred man will pay regard to the feelings and wishes of the females by whom he is surrounded4 ,he will not secure the best seat for himself1 and leave the women folk to take care of themselves4 ,he will not be seated at all1 if the meeting be crowded1 and a single female appear unaccommodated4 ,good breeding will keep a person from making loud and startling noises1 from pushing past another in entering or going out of a room2 from ostentatiously using a pocket-handkerchief2 from hawking and spitting in company2 from fidgeting any part of the body2 from scratching the head1 or picking the teeth with fork or with finger4 ,in short1 it will direct all who study its rules to abstain from every personal act which may give pain or offence to another's feelings4 ,at the same time1 it will enable them to bear much without taking offence4 ,it will teach them when to speak and when to be silent1 and how to behave with due respect to all4 ,by attention to the rules of good breeding1 and more especially to its leading principles1 the poorest man will be entitled to the character of a gentleman1 and by inattention to them1 the most wealthy person will be essentially vulgar4 ,vulgarity signifies coarseness or indelicacy of manner1 and is not necessarily associated with poverty or lowliness of condition4 ,thus an operative artizan may be a gentleman1 and worthy of our particular esteem2 while an opulent merchant may be only a vulgar clown1 with whom it is impossible to be on terms of friendly intercourse4 ,the following remarks upon the ,character of a ,gentleman by ,brooke are so admirable that ,i need make no apology for quoting them entire4 ,he says2 ,there is no term1 in our language1 more common than that of ',gentleman2' and1 whenever it is heard1 all agree in the general idea of a man some way elevated above the vulgar4 ,yet1 perhaps1 no two living are precisely agreed respecting the qualities they think requisite for constituting this character4 ,when we hear the epithets of a 'fine ,gentleman1' 'a pretty ,gentleman1' 'much of a ,gentleman1' ',gentlemanlike1' 'something of a ,gentleman1' 'nothing of a ,gentleman1' and so forth2 all these different appellations must intend a peculiarity annexed to the ideas of those who express them2 though no two of them1 as ,i said1 may agree in the constituent qualities of the character they have formed in their own mind4 ,there have been ladies who deemed fashionable dress a very capital ingredient in the composition of--a ,gentleman4 ,a certain easy impudence acquired by low people1 by casually being conversant in high life1 has passed a man current through many companies for--a ,gentleman4 ,in taverns and brothels1 he who is the most of a bully is the most of--a ,gentleman4 ,and the highwayman1 in his manner of taking your purse1 may however be allowed to have--much of the ,gentleman4 ,plato1 among the philosophers1 was 'the most of a man of fashion2' and therefore allowed1 at the court of ,syracuse1 to be--the most of a ,gentleman4 ,but seriously1 ,i apprehend that this character is pretty much upon the modern4 ,in all ancient or dead languages we have no term1 any way adequate1 whereby we may express it4 ,in the habits1 manners1 and characters of old ,sparta and old ,rome1 we find an antipathy to all the elements of modern gentility4 ,among these rude and unpolished people1 you read of philosophers1 of orators1 of patriots1 heroes1 and demigods2 but you never hear of any character so elegant as that of--a pretty ,gentleman4 ,when those nations1 however1 became refined into what their ancestors would have called corruption2 when luxury introduced1 and fashion gave a sanction to certain sciences1 which ,cynics would have branded with the ill mannered appellations of drunkenness1 gambling1 cheating1 lying1 c42 the practitioners assumed the new title of ,gentlemen1 till such ,gentlemen became as plenteous as stars in the milky-way1 and lost distinction merely by the confluence of their lustre4 ,wherefore as the said qualities were found to be of ready acquisition1 and of easy descent to the populace from their betters1 ambition judged it necessary to add further marks and criterions for severing the general herd from the nobler species--of ,gentlemen4 ,accordingly1 if the commonalty were observed to have a propensity to religion1 their superiors affected a disdain of such vulgar prejudices2 and a freedom that cast off the restraints of morality1 and a courage that spurned at the fear of a ,god1 were accounted the distinguishing characteristics--of a ,gentleman4 ,if the populace1 as in ,china1 were industrious and ingenious1 the grandees1 by the length of their nails and the cramping of their limbs1 gave evidence that true dignity was above labor and utility1 and that to be born to no end was the prerogative--of a ,gentleman4 ,if the common sort1 by their conduct1 declared a respect for the institutions of civil society and good government2 their betters despised such pusillanimous conformity1 and the magistrates paid becoming regard to the distinction1 and allowed of the superior liberties and privileges--of a ,gentleman4 ,if the lower set show a sense of common honesty and common order2 those who would figure in the world1 think it incumbent to demonstrate that complaisance to inferiors1 common manners1 common equity1 or any thing common1 is quite beneath the attention or sphere--of a ,gentleman4 ,now1 as underlings are ever ambitious of imitating and usurping the manners of their superiors2 and as this state of mortality is incident to perpetual change and revolution1 it may happen1 that when the populace1 by encroaching on the province of gentility1 have arrived to their ne plus ultra of insolence1 irreligion1 c42 the gentry1 in order to be again distinguished1 may assume the station that their inferiors had forsaken1 and1 however ridiculous the supposition may appear at present1 humanity1 equity1 utility1 complaisance1 and piety1 may in time come to be the distinguishing characteristics--of a ,gentleman4 ,it appears that the most general idea which people have formed of a ,gentleman1 is that of a person of fortune above the vulgar1 and embellished by manners that are fashionable in high life4 ,in this case1 fortune and fashion are the two constituent ingredients in the composition of modern ,gentlemen2 for whatever the fashion may be1 whether moral or immoral1 for or against reason1 right or wrong1 it is equally the duty of a ,gentleman to conform4 ,and yet ,i apprehend1 that true gentility is altogether independent of fortune or fashion1 of time1 customs1 or opinions of any kind4 ,the very same qualities that constituted a gentleman1 in the first age of the world1 are permanently1 invariably1 and indispensably necessary to the constitution of the same character to the end of time4 ,hector was the finest gentleman of whom we read in history1 and ,don ,quixote the finest gentleman we read of in romance2 as was instanced from the tenor of their principles and actions4 ,some time after the battle of ,cressy1 ,edward the ,third of ,england1 and ,edward the ,black ,prince1 the more than heir of his father's renown1 pressed ,john ,king of ,france to indulge them with the pleasure of his company at ,london4 ,john was desirous of embracing the invitation1 and accordingly laid the proposal before his parliament at ,paris4 ,the parliament objected1 that the invitation had been made with an insidious design of seizing his person1 thereby to make the cheaper and easier acquisition of the crown1 to which ,edward at that time pretended4 ,but ,john replied1 with some warmth1 that he was confident his brother ,edward1 and more especially his young cousin1 were too much of the ,,gentleman1 to treat him in that manner4 ,he did not say too much of the king1 of the hero1 or of the saint1 but too much of the ,,gentleman to be guilty of any baseness4 ,the sequel verified this opinion4 ,at the battle of ,poictiers ,king ,john was made prisoner1 and soon after conducted by the ,black ,prince to ,england4 ,the prince entered ,london in triumph1 amid the throng and acclamations of millions of the people4 ,but then this rather appeared to be the triumph of the ,french king than that of his conqueror4 ,john was seated on a proud steed1 royally robed1 and attended by a numerous and gorgeous train of the ,british nobility2 while his conqueror endeavored1 as much as possible1 to disappear1 and rode by his side in plain attire1 and degradingly seated on a little ,irish hobby4 ,as ,aristotle and the ,critics derived their rules for epic poetry and the sublime from a poem which ,homer had written long before the rules were formed1 or laws established for the purpose3 thus1 from the demeanor and innate principles of particular gentlemen1 art has borrowed and instituted the many modes of behaviour1 which the world has adopted1 under the title of good manners4 ,one quality of a gentleman is that of charity to the poor2 and this is delicately instanced in the account which ,don ,quixote gives1 to his fast friend ,sancho ,pancha1 of the valorous but yet more pious knight-errant ,saint ,martin4 ,on a day1 said the ,don1 ,saint ,martin met a poor man half naked1 and taking his cloak from his shoulders1 he divided1 and gave him the one half4 ,now1 tell me at what time of the year this happened4 ,was ,i a witness8 quoth1 ,sancho2 how the vengeance should ,i know in what year or what time of the year it happened8 ,hadst thou ,sancho1 rejoined the knight1 anything within thee of the sentiment of ,saint ,martin1 thou must assuredly have known that this happened in winter2 for1 had it been summer1 ,saint ,martin would had given the whole cloak4 ,another characteristic of the true gentleman1 is a delicacy of behaviour toward that sex whom nature has entitled to the protection1 and consequently entitled to the tenderness1 of man4 ,the same gentleman-errant1 entering into a wood on a summer's evening1 found himself entangled among nets of green thread that1 here and there1 hung from tree to tree2 and conceiving it some matter of purposed conjuration1 pushed valorously forward to break through the enchantment4 ,hereupon some beautiful shepherdesses interposed with a cry1 and besought him to spare the implements of their innocent recreation4 ,the knight1 surprised and charmed by the vision1 replied1--,fair creatures6 my province is to protect1 not to injure2 to seek all means of service1 but never of offence1 more especially to any of your sex and apparent excellences4 ,your pretty nets take up but a small piece of favored ground2 but1 did they inclose the world1 ,i would seek out new worlds1 whereby ,i might win a passage1 rather than break them4 ,two very lovely but shamefaced girls had a cause1 of some consequence1 depending at ,westminster1 that indispensably required their personal appearance4 ,they were relations of ,sir ,joseph ,jeckel1 and1 on this tremendous occasion1 requested his company and countenance at the court4 ,sir ,joseph attended accordingly2 and the cause being opened1 the judge demanded whether he was to entitle those ladies by the denomination of spinsters4 ',no1 my ,lord1' said ,sir ,joseph2 'they are lilies of the valley1 they toil not1 neither do they spin1 yet you see that no monarch1 in all his glory1 was ever arrayed like one of these4' ,another very peculiar characteristic of a gentleman is1 the giving place and yielding to all with whom he has to do4 ,of this we have a shining and affecting instance in ,abraham1 perhaps the most accomplished character that may be found in history1 whether sacred or profane4 ,a contention had arisen between the herdsmen of ,abraham and the herdsmen of his nephew1 ,lot1 respecting the propriety of the pasture of the lands wherein they dwelled1 that could now scarce contain the abundance of their cattle4 ,and those servants1 as is universally the case1 had respectively endeavored to kindle and inflame their masters with their own passions4 ,when ,abraham1 in consequence of this1 perceived that the countenance of ,lot began to change toward him1 he called1 and generously expostulated with him as followeth3 ',let there be no strife1 ,i pray thee1 between me and thee1 or between my herdsmen and thy herdsmen2 for we be brethren4 ,if it be thy desire to separate thyself from me1 is not the whole land before thee8 ,if thou wilt take the left hand1 then will ,i go to the right2 or if thou depart to the right hand1 then ,i will go to the left4' ,another capital quality of the true gentleman is1 that of feeling himself concerned and interested in others4 ,never was there so benevolent1 so affecting1 so pathetic a piece of oratory exhibited upon earth1 as that of ,abraham's pleading with ,god for averting the judgments that then impended over ,sodom4 ,but the matter is already so generally celebrated1 that ,i am constrained to refer my reader to the passage at full2 since the smallest abridgment must deduct from its beauties1 and that nothing can be added to the excellences thereof4 ,honor1 again1 is said1 in ,scripture1 peculiarly to distinguish the character of a gentleman2 where it is written of ,sechem1 the son of ,hamor1 'that he was more honorable than all the house of his father4' ,from hence it may be inferred1 that human excellence1 or human amiableness1 doth not so much consist in a freedom from frailty as in our recovery from lapses1 our detestation of our own transgressions1 and our desire of atoning1 by all possible means1 the injuries we have done1 and the offences we have given4 ,herein1 therefore1 may consist the very singular distinction which the great apostle makes between his estimation of a just and of a good man4 ',for a just or righteous man1' says he1 'one would grudge to die2 but for a good man one would even dare to die4' ,here the just man is supposed to adhere strictly to the rule of right or equity1 and to exact from others the same measure that he is satisfied to mete2 but the good man1 though occasionally he may fall short of justice1 has1 properly speaking1 no measure to his benevolence1 his general propensity is to give more than the due4 ,the just man condemns1 and is desirous of punishing the transgressors of the line prescribed to himself2 but the good man1 in the sense of his own falls and failings1 gives latitude1 indulgence1 and pardon to others2 he judges1 he condemns no one save himself4 ,the just man is a stream that deviates not to the right or left from its appointed channel1 neither is swelled by the flood of passion above its banks2 but the heart of the good man1 the man of honor1 the gentleman1 is as a lamp lighted by the breath of ,,god1 and none save ,,god himself can set limits to the efflux or irradiations thereof4 ,again1 the gentleman never envies any superior excellence1 but grows himself more excellent1 by being the admirer1 promoter1 and lover thereof4 ,saul said to his son ,jonathan1 ',thou son of the perverse1 rebellious woman1 do not ,i know that thou hast chosen the son of ,jesse to thine own confusion8 ,for as long as the son of ,jesse liveth upon the ground1 thou shalt not be established1 nor thy kingdom2 wherefore send and fetch him unto me1 for he shall surely die4' ,here every interesting motive that can possibly be conceived to have an influence on man1 united to urge ,jonathan to the destruction of ,david2 he would thereby have obeyed his king1 and pacified a father who was enraged against him4 ,he would thereby have removed the only luminary that then eclipsed the brightness of his own achievements4 ,and he saw1 as his father said1 that the death of ,david alone could establish the kingdom in himself and his posterity4 ,but all those considerations were of no avail to make ,jonathan swerve from honor1 to slacken the bands of his faith1 or cool the warmth of his friendship4 ,o ,jonathan6 the sacrifice which thou then madest to virtue1 was incomparably more illustrious in the sight of ,god and his angels than all the subsequent glories to which ,david attained4 ,what a crown was thine1 ',jonathan1 when thou wast slain in thy high places6' ,saul of ,tarsus had been a man of bigotry1 blood1 and violence2 making havoc1 and breathing out threatenings and slaughter1 against all who were not of his own sect and persuasion4 ,but1 when the spirit of that ,,infant1 who laid himself in the manger of human flesh1 came upon him1 he acquired a new heart and a new nature2 and he offered himself a willing subject to all the sufferings and persecutions which he had brought upon others4 ,saul from that time1 exemplified in his own person1 all those qualities of the gentleman1 which he afterwards specifies in his celebrated description of that charity1 which1 as he says1 alone endureth forever4 ,when ,festus cried with a loud voice1 ',paul1 thou art beside thyself1 much learning doth make thee mad2' ,paul stretched the hand1 and answered1 ',i am not mad1 most noble ,festus1 but speak forth the words of truth and soberness4 ,for the king knoweth of these things1 before whom also ,i speak freely2 for ,i am persuaded that none of these things are hidden from him4 ,king ,agrippa1 believest thou the prophets8 ,i know that thou believest4' ,then ,agrippa said unto ,paul1 ',almost thou persuadest me to be a ,christian4' ,and ,paul said1 ',i would to ,god that not only thou1 but also all that hear me this day1 were not only almost but altogether such as ,i am1--except these bonds4' ,here1 with what an inimitable elegance did this man1 in his own person1 at once sum up the orator1 the saint1 and the gentleman6 ,from these instances1 my friend1 you must have seen that the character1 or rather quality of a ,,gentleman1 does not1 in any degree1 depend on fashion or mode1 on station or opinion2 neither changes with customs1 climate1 or ages4 ,but1 as the ,spirit of ,god can alone inspire it into man1 so it is1 as ,god is the same1 yesterday1 to-day1 and forever4 ,in concluding this chapter ,i would say3 ,in the common actions and transactions of life1 there is a wide distinction between the well-bred and the ill-bred4 ,if a person of the latter sort be in a superior condition in life1 his conduct towards those below him1 or dependent upon him1 is marked by haughtiness1 or by unmannerly condescension4 ,in the company of his equals in station and circumstances1 an ill-bred man is either captious and quarrelsome1 or offensively familiar4 ,he does not consider that3 ',the man who hails you ,tom or ,jack1 ,and proves1 by thumps upon your back1 ,how he esteems your merit1 ,is such a friend1 that one had need ,be very much a friend indeed1 ,to pardon or to bear it4' ,and if a man void of good breeding have to transact business with a superior in wealth or situation1 it is more than likely that he will be needlessly humble1 unintentionally insolent1 or1 at any rate1 miserably embarrassed4 ,on the contrary1 a well-bred person will instinctively avoid all these errors4 ',to inferiors1 he will speak kindly and considerately1 so as to relieve them from any feeling of being beneath him in circumstances4 ,to equals1 he will be plain1 unaffected1 and courteous4 ,to superiors1 he will know how to show becoming respect1 without descending to subserviency or meanness4 ,in short1 he will act a manly1 inoffensive1 and agreeable part1 in all the situations in life in which he may be placed4' ,,chapter ,,iii4 ,,table ,,etiquette4 ,it may seem a very simple thing to eat your meals1 yet there is no occasion upon which the gentleman1 and the low-bred1 vulgar man are more strongly contrasted1 than when at the table4 ,the rules ,i shall give for table etiquette when in company will apply equally well for the home circle1 with the exception of some few points1 readily discernible1 which may be omitted at your own table4 ,a well-bred man1 receiving an invitation to dine with a friend should reply to it immediately1 whether he accepts or declines it4 ,he should be punctual to the hour named in the invitation1 five or ten minutes earlier if convenient1 but not one instant later4 ,he must never1 unless he has previously asked permission to do so1 take with him any friend not named in his invitation4 ,his host and hostess have the privilege of inviting whom they will1 and it is an impertinence to force them to extend their hospitality1 as they must do if you introduce a friend at their own house4 ,speak1 on entering the parlor of your friend1 first to the hostess1 then to the host4 ,when dinner is announced1 the host or hostess will give the signal for leaving the drawing-room1 and you will probably be requested to escort one of the ladies to the table4 ,offer to her your left arm1 and at the table wait until she is seated1 indeed wait until every lady is seated1 before taking your own place4 ,in leaving the parlor you will pass out first1 and the lady will follow you1 still holding your arm4 ,at the door of the dining-room1 the lady will drop your arm4 ,pass in1 then wait on one side of the entrance till she passes you1 to her place at the table4 ,if there are no ladies1 you may go to the table with any gentleman who stands near you1 or with whom you may be conversing when dinner is announced4 ,if your companion is older than yourself1 extend to him the same courtesy which you would use towards a lady4 ,there are a thousand little points to be observed in your conduct at table which1 while they are not absolutely necessary1 are yet distinctive marks of a well-bred man4 ,if1 when at home1 you practice habitually the courtesies of the table1 they will sit upon you easily when abroad2 but if you neglect them at home1 you will use them awkwardly when in company1 and you will find yourself recognized as a man who has company manners1 only when abroad4 ,i have seen men who eat soup1 or chewed their food1 in so noisy a manner as to be heard from one end of the table to the other2 fill their mouths so full of food1 as to threaten suffocation or choking2 use their own knife for the butter1 and salt2 put their fingers in the sugar bowl2 and commit other faults quite as monstrous1 yet seem perfectly unconscious that they were doing anything to attract attention4 ,try to sit easily and gracefully1 but at the same time avoid crowding those beside you4 ,far from eating with avidity of whatever delicacies which may be upon the table1 and which are often served in small quantities1 partake of them but sparingly1 and decline them when offered the second time4 ,many men at their own table have little peculiar notions1 which a guest does well to respect4 ,some will feel hurt1 even offended1 if you decline a dish which they recommend2 while others expect you to eat enormously1 as if they feared you did not appreciate their hospitality unless you tasted of every dish upon the table4 ,try to pay respect to such whims at the table of others1 but avoid having any such notions when presiding over your own board4 ,observe a strict sobriety2 never drink of more than one kind of wine1 and partake of that sparingly4 ,the style of serving dinner is different at different houses2 if there are many servants they will bring you your plate filled1 and you must keep it4 ,if you have the care of a lady1 see that she has what she desires1 before you give your own order to the waiter2 but if there are but few domestics1 and the dishes are upon the table1 you may with perfect propriety help those near you1 from any dish within your reach4 ,if your host or hostess passes you a plate1 keep it1 especially if you have chosen the food upon it1 for others have also a choice1 and by passing it1 you may give your neighbor dishes distasteful to him1 and take yourself those which he would much prefer4 ,if in the leaves of your salad1 or in a plate of fruit you find a worm or insect1 pass your plate to the waiter1 without any comment1 and he will bring you another4 ,be careful to avoid the extremes of gluttony or over daintiness at table4 ,to eat enormously is disgusting2 but if you eat too sparingly1 your host may think that you despise his fare4 ,watch that the lady whom you escorted to the table is well helped4 ,lift and change her plate for her1 pass her bread1 salt1 and butter1 give her orders to the waiter1 and pay her every attention in your power4 ,before taking your place at table1 wait until your place is pointed out to you1 unless there are cards bearing the names of the guests upon the plates2 in the latter case1 take the place thus marked for you4 ,put your napkin upon your lap1 covering your knees4 ,it is out of date1 and now looked upon as a vulgar habit to put your napkin up over your breast4 ,sit neither too near nor too far from the table4 ,never hitch up your coat-sleeves or wristbands as if you were going to wash your hands4 ,some men do this habitually1 but it is a sign of very bad breeding4 ,never tip your chair1 or lounge back in it during dinner4 ,all gesticulations are out of place1 and in bad taste at the table4 ,avoid making them4 ,converse in a low tone to your neighbor1 yet not with any air of secresy if others are engaged in tte--tte conversation2 if1 however1 the conversation is general1 avoid conversing tte--tte4 ,do not raise your voice too much2 if you cannot make those at some distance from you hear you when speaking in a moderate tone1 confine your remarks to those near you4 ,if you wish for a knife1 plate1 or anything from the side table1 never address those in attendance as ,waiter6 as you would at a hotel or restaurant1 but call one of them by name2 if you cannot do this1 make him a sign without speaking4 ,unless you are requested to do so1 never select any particular part of a dish2 but1 if your host asks you what part you prefer1 name some part1 as in this case the incivility would consist in making your host choose as well as carve for you4 ,never blow your soup if it is too hot1 but wait until it cools4 ,never raise your plate to your lips1 but eat with your spoon4 ,never touch either your knife or your fork until after you have finished eating your soup4 ,leave your spoon in your soup plate1 that the servant may remove them both4 ,never take soup twice4 ,in changing your plate1 or passing it during dinner1 remove your knife and fork1 that the plate alone may be taken1 but after you have finished your dinner1 cross the knife and fork on the plate1 that the servant may take all away1 before bringing you clean ones for dessert4 ,do not bite your bread from the roll or slice1 nor cut it with your knife2 break off small pieces and put these in your mouth with your fingers4 ,at dinner do not put butter on your bread4 ,never dip a piece of bread into the gravy or preserves upon your plate and then bite it1 but if you wish to eat them together1 break the bread into small pieces1 and carry these to your mouth with your fork4 ,use always the salt-spoon1 sugar-tongs1 and butter knife2 to use your own knife1 spoon1 or fingers1 evinces a shocking want of good-breeding4 ,never criticize any dish before you4 ,if a dish is distasteful to you1 decline it1 but make no remarks about it4 ,it is sickening and disgusting to explain at a table how one article makes you sick1 or why some other dish has become distasteful to you4 ,i have seen a well-dressed tempting dish go from a table untouched1 because one of the company told a most disgusting anecdote about finding vermin served in a similar dish4 ,no wit in the narration can excuse so palpably an error of politeness4 ,never put bones1 or the seeds of fruit upon the tablecloth4 ,put them upon the edge of your plate4 ,never use your knife for any purpose but to cut your food4 ,it is not meant to be put in your mouth4 ,your fork is intended to carry the food from your plate to your mouth1 and no gentleman ever eats with his knife4 ,if the meat or fish upon your plate is too rare or too well-done1 do not eat it2 give for an excuse that you prefer some other dish before you2 but never tell your host that his cook has made the dish uneatable4 ,never speak when you have anything in your mouth4 ,never pile the food on your plate as if you were starving1 but take a little at a time2 the dishes will not run away4 ,never use your own knife and fork to help either yourself or others4 ,there is always one before the dish at every well-served table1 and you should use that4 ,it is a good plan to accustom yourself to using your fork with the left hand1 when eating1 as you thus avoid the awkwardness of constantly passing the fork from your left hand to your right1 and back again1 when cutting your food and eating it4 ,never put fruit or bon-bons in your pocket to carry them from the table4 ,do not cut fruit with a steel knife4 ,use a silver one4 ,never eat so fast as to hurry the others at the table1 nor so slowly as to keep them waiting4 ,if you do not take wine1 never keep the bottle standing before you1 but pass it on4 ,if you do take it1 pass it on as soon as you have filled your glass4 ,if you wish to remove a fish bone or fruit seed from your mouth1 cover your lips with your hand or napkin1 that others may not see you remove it4 ,if you wish to use your handkerchief1 and have not time to leave the table1 turn your head away1 and as quickly as possible put the handkerchief in your pocket again4 ,always wipe your mouth before drinking1 as nothing is more ill-bred than to grease your glass with your lips4 ,if you are invited to drink with a friend1 and do not drink wine1 bow1 raise your glass of water and drink with him4 ,do not propose to take wine with your host2 it is his privilege to invite you4 ,do not put your glass upside down on the table to signify that you do not wish to drink any more2 it is sufficient to refuse firmly4 ,do not be persuaded to touch another drop of wine after your own prudence warns you that you have taken enough4 ,avoid any air of mystery when speaking to those next you2 it is ill-bred and in excessively bad taste4 ,if you wish to speak of any one1 or to any one at the table1 call them by name1 but never point or make a signal when at table4 ,when taking coffee1 never pour it into your saucer1 but let it cool in the cup1 and drink from that4 ,if at a gentleman's party1 never ask any one to sing or tell a story2 your host alone has the right thus to call upon his guests4 ,if invited yourself to sing1 and you feel sufficiently sure that you will give pleasure1 comply immediately with the request4 ,if1 however1 you refuse1 remain firm in your refusal1 as to yield after once refusing is a breach of etiquette4 ,when the finger-glasses are passed1 dip your fingers into them and then wipe them upon your napkin4 ,never leave the table till the mistress of the house gives the signal4 ,on leaving the table put your napkin on the table1 but do not fold it4 ,offer your arm to the lady whom you escorted to the table4 ,it is excessively rude to leave the house as soon as dinner is over4 ,respect to your hostess obliges you to stay in the drawing-room at least an hour4 ,if the ladies withdraw1 leaving the gentlemen1 after dinner1 rise when they leave the table1 and remain standing until they have left the room4 ,i give1 from a recent ,english work1 some humorously written directions for table etiquette1 and1 although they are some of them repetitions of what ,i have already given1 they will be found to contain many useful hints3 ,we now come to habits at table1 which are very important4 ,however agreeable a man may be in society1 if he offends or disgusts by his table traits1 he will soon be scouted from it1 and justly so4 ,there are some broad rules for behavior at table4 ,whenever there is a servant to help you1 never help yourself4 ,never put a knife into your mouth1 not even with cheese1 which should be eaten with a fork4 ,never use a spoon for anything but liquids4 ,never touch anything edible with your fingers4 ,forks were1 undoubtedly1 a later invention than fingers1 but1 as we are not cannibals1 ,i am inclined to think they were a good one4 ,there are some few things which you may take up with your fingers4 ,thus an epicure will eat even macaroni with his fingers2 and as sucking asparagus is more pleasant than chewing it1 you may1 as an epicure1 take it up au naturel4 ,but both these things are generally eaten with a fork4 ,bread is1 of course1 eaten with the fingers1 and it would be absurd to carve it with your knife and fork4 ,it must1 on the contrary1 always be broken when not buttered1 and you should never put a slice of dry bread to your mouth to bite a piece off4 ,most fresh fruit1 too1 is eaten with the natural prongs1 but when you have peeled an orange or apple1 you should cut it with the aid of the fork1 unless you can succeed in breaking it4 ,apropos of which1 ,i may hint that no epicure ever yet put a knife to an apple1 and that an orange should be peeled with a spoon4 ,but the art of peeling an orange so as to hold its own juice1 and its own sugar too1 is one that can scarcely be taught in a book4 ,however1 let us go to dinner1 and ,i will soon tell you whether you are a well-bred man or not2 and here let me premise that what is good manners for a small dinner is good manners for a large one1 and vice vers4 ,now1 the first thing you do is to sit down4 ,stop1 sir6 pray do not cram yourself into the table in that way2 no1 nor sit a yard from it1 like that4 ,how graceless1 inconvenient1 and in the way of conversation6 ,why1 dear me6 you are positively putting your elbows on the table1 and now you have got your hands fumbling about with the spoons and forks1 and now you are nearly knocking my new hock glasses over4 ,can't you take your hands down1 sir8 ,didn't you learn that in the nursery8 ,didn't your mamma say to you1 ',never put your hands above the table except to carve or eat8' ,oh6 but come1 no nonsense1 sit up1 if you please4 ,i can't have your fine head of hair forming a side dish on my table2 you must not bury your face in the plate1 you came to show it1 and it ought to be alive4 ,well1 but there is no occasion to throw your head back like that1 you look like an alderman1 sir1 after dinner4 ,pray1 don't lounge in that sleepy way4 ,you are here to eat1 drink1 and be merry4 ,you can sleep when you get home4 ,well1 then1 ,i suppose you can see your napkin4 ,got none1 indeed6 ,very likely1 in my house4 ,you may be sure that ,i never sit down to a meal without napkins4 ,i don't want to make my tablecloths unfit for use1 and ,i don't want to make my trousers unwearable4 ,well1 now1 we are all seated1 you can unfold it on your knees2 no1 no2 don't tuck it into your waistcoat like an alderman2 and what6 what on earth do you mean by wiping your forehead with it8 ,do you take it for a towel8 ,well1 never mind1 ,i am consoled that you did not go farther1 and use it as a pocket-handkerchief4 ,so talk away to the lady on your right1 and wait till soup is handed to you4 ,by the way1 that waiting is the most important part of table manners1 and1 as much as possible1 you should avoid asking for anything or helping yourself from the table4 ,your soup you eat with a spoon--,i don't know what else you could eat it with--but then it must be one of good size4 ,yes1 that will do1 but ,i beg you will not make that odious noise in drinking your soup4 ,it is louder than a dog lapping water1 and a cat would be quite genteel to it4 ,then you need not scrape up the plate in that way1 nor even tilt it to get the last drop4 ,i shall be happy to send you some more2 but ,i must just remark1 that it is not the custom to take two helpings of soup1 and it is liable to keep other people waiting1 which1 once for all1 is a selfish and intolerable habit4 ,but don't you hear the servant offering you sherry8 ,i wish you would attend1 for my servants have quite enough to do1 and can't wait all the evening while you finish that very mild story to ,miss ,goggles4 ,come1 leave that decanter alone4 ,i had the wine put on the table to fill up2 the servants will hand it directly1 or1 as we are a small party1 ,i will tell you to help yourself2 but1 pray1 do not be so officious4 7,there1 ,i have sent him some turbot to keep him quiet4 ,i declare he cannot make up his mind47 ,you are keeping my servant again1 sir4 ,will you1 or will you not1 do turbot8 ,don't examine it in that way2 it is quite fresh1 ,i assure you2 take or decline it4 ,ah1 you take it1 but that is no reason why you should take up a knife too4 ,fish1 ,i repeat must never be touched with a knife4 ,take a fork in the right and a small piece of bread in the left hand4 ,good1 but--8 ,oh6 that is atrocious2 of course you must not swallow the bones1 but you should rather do so than spit them out in that way4 ,put up your napkin like this1 and land the said bone on your plate4 ,don't rub your head in the sauce1 my good man1 nor go progging about after the shrimps or oysters therein4 ,oh6 how horrid6 ,i declare your mouth was wide open and full of fish4 ,small pieces1 ,i beseech you2 and once for all1 whatever you eat1 keep your mouth shut1 and never attempt to talk with it full4 ,so now you have got a pt4 ,surely you are not taking two on your plate4 ,there is plenty of dinner to come1 and one is quite enough4 ,oh6 dear me1 you are incorrigible4 ,what6 a knife to cut that light1 brittle pastry8 ,no1 nor fingers1 never4 ,nor a spoon--almost as bad4 ,take your fork1 sir1 your fork2 and1 now you have eaten1 oblige me by wiping your mouth and moustache with your napkin1 for there is a bit of the pastry hanging to the latter1 and looking very disagreeable4 ,well1 you can refuse a dish if you like4 ,there is no positive necessity for you to take venison if you don't want it4 ,but1 at any rate1 do not be in that terrific hurry4 ,you are not going off by the next train4 ,wait for the sauce and wait for vegetables2 but whether you eat them or not1 do not begin before everybody else4 ,surely you must take my table for that of a railway refreshment-room1 for you have finished before the person ,i helped first4 ,fast eating is bad for the digestion1 my good sir1 and not very good manners either4 ,what6 are you trying to eat meat with a fork alone8 ,oh6 it is sweetbread1 ,i beg your pardon1 you are quite right4 ,let me give you a rule1--,everything that can be cut without a knife1 should be cut with a fork alone4 ,eat your vegetables1 therefore1 with a fork4 ,no1 there is no necessity to take a spoon for peas2 a fork in the right hand will do4 ,what6 did ,i really see you put your knife into your mouth8 ,then ,i must give you up4 ,once for all1 and ever1 the knife is to cut1 not to help with4 ,pray1 do not munch in that noisy manner2 chew your food well1 but softly4 ,eat slowly4 ,have you not heard that ,napoleon lost the battle of ,leipsic by eating too fast8 ,it is a fact though4 ,his haste caused indigestion1 which made him incapable of attending to the details of the battle4 ,you see you are the last person eating at table4 ,sir1 ,i will not allow you to speak to my servants in that way4 ,if they are so remiss as to oblige you to ask for anything1 do it gently1 and in a low tone1 and thank a servant just as much as you would his master4 ,ten to one he is as good a man2 and because he is your inferior in position1 is the very reason you should treat him courteously4 ,oh6 it is of no use to ask me to take wine2 far from pacifying me1 it will only make me more angry1 for ,i tell you the custom is quite gone out1 except in a few country villages1 and at a mess-table4 ,nor need you ask the lady to do so4 ,however1 there is this consolation1 if you should ask any one to take wine with you1 he or she cannot refuse1 so you have your own way4 ,perhaps next you will be asking me to hob and nob1 or trinquer in the ,french fashion with arms encircled4 ,ah6 you don't know1 perhaps1 that when a lady trinques in that way with you1 you have a right to finish off with a kiss4 ,very likely1 indeed6 ,but it is the custom in familiar circles in ,france1 but then we are not ,frenchmen4 ,will you attend to your lady1 sir8 ,you did not come merely to eat1 but to make yourself agreeable4 ,don't sit as glum as the ,memnon at ,thebes2 talk and be pleasant4 ,now1 you have some pudding4 ,no knife--no1 no4 ,a spoon if you like1 but better still1 a fork4 ,yes1 ice requires a spoon2 there is a small one handed you1 take that4 ,say 'no4' ,this is the fourth time wine has been handed to you1 and ,i am sure you have had enough4 ,decline this time if you please4 ,decline that dish too4 ,are you going to eat of everything that is handed8 ,i pity you if you do4 ,no1 you must not ask for more cheese1 and you must eat it with your fork4 ,break the rusk with your fingers4 ,good4 ,you are drinking a glass of old port4 ,do not quaff it down at a gulp in that way4 ,never drink a whole glassful of anything at once4 ,well1 here is the wine and dessert4 ,take whichever wine you like1 but remember you must keep to that1 and not change about4 ,before you go up stairs ,i will allow you a glass of sherry after your claret1 but otherwise drink of one wine only4 ,you don't mean to say you are helping yourself to wine before the ladies4 ,at least1 offer it to the one next to you1 and then pass it on1 gently1 not with a push like that4 ,do not drink so fast2 you will hurry me in passing the decanters1 if ,i see that your glass is empty4 ,you need not eat dessert till the ladies are gone1 but offer them whatever is nearest to you4 ,and now they are gone1 draw your chair near mine1 and ,i will try and talk more pleasantly to you4 ,you will come out admirably at your next dinner with all my teaching4 ,what6 you are excited1 you are talking loud to the colonel4 ,nonsense4 ,come and talk easily to me or to your nearest neighbor4 ,there1 don't drink any more wine1 for ,i see you are getting romantic4 ,you oblige me to make a move4 ,you have had enough of those walnuts2 you are keeping me1 my dear sir4 ,so now to coffee one cup and tea1 which ,i beg you will not pour into your saucer to cool4 ,well1 the dinner has done you good1 and me too4 ,let us be amiable to the ladies1 but not too much so4 ,champ1 champ2 ,smack1 smack2 ,smack1 smack2 ,champ1 champ2--,it is one thing to know how to make a pudding1 and another to know how to eat it when made4 ,unmerciful and monstrous are the noises with which some persons accompany the eating--no1 the devouring of the food for which1 we trust1 they are thankful4 ,to sit down with a company of such masticators is like joining 'a herd of swine feeding4' ,soberly1 at no time1 probably1 are the rules of good breeding less regarded than at 'feeding time1' and at no place is a departure from these rules more noticeable than at table4 ,some persons gnaw at a crust as dogs gnaw a bone1 rattle knives and spoons against their teeth as though anxious to prove which is the harder1 and scrape their plates with an energy and perseverance which would be very commendable if bestowed upon any object worth the trouble4 ,others1 in defiance of the old nursery rhyme-- ',i must not dip1 howe'er ,i wish1 ,my spoon or finger in the dish2' are perpetually helping themselves in this very straightforward and unsophisticated manner4 ,another1 with a mouth full of food contrives to make his teeth and tongue perform the double duty of chewing and talking at the same time4 ,another1 quite in military style1 in the intervals of cramming1 makes his knife and fork keep guard over the jealously watched plate1 being held upright on either side in the clenched fist1 like the musket of a raw recruit4 ,and another1 as often as leisure serves1 fidgets his plate from left to right1 and from right to left1 or round and round1 until the painful operation of feeding is over4 ,there is1 we know1 such a thing as being 'too nice'--'more nice than wise4' ,it is quite possible to be fastidious4 ,but there are also such inconsiderable matters as decency and good order2 and it surely is better to err on the right than on the wrong side of good breeding4 ,,chapter ,,iv4 ,,etiquette ,,in ,,the ,,street4 ,a gentleman will be always polite1 in the parlor1 dining-room1 and in the street4 ,this last clause will especially include courtesy towards ladies1 no matter what may be their age or position4 ,a man who will annoy or insult a woman in the street1 lowers himself to a brute1 no matter whether he offends by look1 word1 or gesture4 ,there are several little forms of etiquette1 given below1 the observance of which will mark the gentleman in the street4 ,when walking with a lady1 or with a gentleman who is older than yourself1 give them the upper side of the pavement1 that is1 the side nearest the house4 ,when walking alone1 and you see any one coming towards you on the same side of the street1 give the upper part of the pavement1 as you turn aside1 to a man who may carry a heavy bundle1 to a priest or clergyman1 to a woman1 or to any elderly person4 ,in a crowd never rudely push aside those who impede your progress1 but wait patiently until the way is clear4 ,if you are hurried by business of importance or an engagement1 you will find that a few courteous words will open the way before you more quickly than the most violent pushing and loud talking4 ,if obliged to cross a plank1 or narrow path1 let any lady or old person who may also be passing1 precede you4 ,in case the way is slippery or in any way unsafe1 you may1 with perfect propriety1 offer to assist either a lady or elderly person in crossing it4 ,do not smoke in the street until after dark1 and then remove your cigar from your mouth1 if you meet a lady4 ,be careful about your dress4 ,you can never know whom you may meet1 so it is best to never leave the house otherwise than well-dressed4 ,bright colors1 and much jewelry are both unbecoming to a gentleman in the street4 ,avoid touching any one with your elbows in passing1 and do not swing your arms as you walk4 ,be careful when walking with or near a lady1 not to put your foot upon her dress4 ,in carrying an umbrella1 hold it so that you can see the way clear before you2 avoid striking your umbrella against those which pass you2 if you are walking with a lady1 let the umbrella cover her perfectly1 but hold it so that you will not touch her bonnet4 ,if you have the care of two ladies1 let them carry the umbrella between them1 and walk outside yourself4 ,nothing can be more absurd than for a gentleman to walk between two ladies1 holding the umbrella himself2 while1 in this way1 he is perfectly protected1 the ladies receive upon their dresses and cloaks the little streams of water which run from the points of the umbrella4 ,in case of a sudden fall of rain1 you may1 with perfect propriety1 offer your umbrella to a lady who is unprovided with one4 ,if she accepts it1 and asks your address to return it1 leave it with her2 if she hesitates1 and does not wish to deprive you of the use of it1 you may offer to accompany her to her destination1 and then1 do not open a conversation2 let your manner be respectful1 and when you leave her1 let her thank you1 assure her of the pleasure it has given you to be of service1 bow1 and leave her4 ,in meeting a lady friend1 wait for her to bow to you1 and in returning her salutation1 remove your hat4 ,to a gentleman you may bow1 merely touching your hat1 if he is alone or with another gentleman2 but if he has a lady with him1 raise your hat in bowing to him4 ,if you stop to speak to a lady1 hold your hat in your hand1 until she leaves you1 unless she requests you to replace it4 ,with a gentleman you may replace it immediately4 ,never join a lady whom you may meet1 without first asking her permission to do so4 ,if you stop to converse with any one in the street1 stand near the houses1 that you may not interfere with others who are passing4 ,you may bow to a lady who is seated at a window1 if you are in the street2 but you must not bow from a window to a lady in the street4 ,do not stop to join a crowd who are collected round a street show1 or street merchant1 unless you wish to pass for a countryman taking a holiday in the city4 ,if you stop any one to enquire your own way1 or if you are called upon to direct another1 remove your hat while asking or answering the question4 ,if you see a lady leaving a carriage unattended1 or hesitating at a bad crossing1 you may1 with propriety1 offer your hand or arm to assist her1 and having seen her safely upon the pavement1 bow1 and pass on4 ,in a car or omnibus1 when a lady wishes to get out1 stop the car for her1 pass up her fare1 and in an omnibus alight and assist her in getting out1 bowing as you leave her4 ,be gentle1 courteous1 and kind to children4 ,there is no surer token of a low1 vulgar mind1 than unkindness to little ones whom you may meet in the streets4 ,a true gentleman never stops to consider what may be the position of any woman whom it is in his power to aid in the street4 ,he will assist an ,irish washerwoman with her large basket or bundle over a crossing1 or carry over the little charges of a distressed negro nurse1 with the same gentle courtesy which he would extend toward the lady who was stepping from her private carriage4 ,the true spirit of chivalry makes the courtesy due to the sex1 not to the position of the individual4 ,when you are escorting a lady in the street1 politeness does not absolutely require you to carry her bundle or parasol1 but if you are gallant you will do so4 ,you must regulate your walk by hers1 and not force her to keep up with your ordinary pace4 ,watch that you do not lead her into any bad places1 and assist her carefully over each crossing1 or wet place on the pavement4 ,if you are walking in the country1 and pass any streamlet1 offer your hand to assist your companion in crossing4 ,if you pass over a fence1 and she refuses your assistance in crossing it1 walk forward1 and do not look back1 until she joins you again4 ,the best way to assist a lady over a fence1 is to stand yourself upon the upper rail1 and while using one hand to keep a steady position1 stoop1 offer her the other1 and with a firm1 steady grasp1 hold her hand until she stands beside you2 then let her go down on the other side first1 and follow her when she is safe upon the ground4 ,in starting for a walk with a lady1 unless she is a stranger in the place towards whom you act as guide1 let her select your destination4 ,where there are several ladies1 and you are required to escort one of them1 select the elderly1 or those whose personal appearance will probably make them least likely to be sought by others4 ,you will probably be repaid by finding them very intelligent1 and with a fund of conversation4 ,if there are more ladies than gentlemen1 you may offer an arm to two1 with some jest about the difficulty of choosing1 or the double honor you enjoy4 ,offer your seat in any public conveyance1 to a lady who is standing4 ,it is often quite as great a kindness and mark of courtesy to take a child in your lap4 ,when with a lady you must pay her expenses as well as your own2 if she offers to share the expense1 decline unless she insists upon it1 in the latter case yield gracefully4 ,many ladies1 who have no brother or father1 and are dependent upon their gentlemen friends for escort1 make it a rule to be under no pecuniary obligations to them1 and you will1 in such a case1 offend more by insisting upon your right to take that expense1 than by quietly pocketing your dignity and their cash together4 ,i know many gentlemen will cry out at my assertion2 but ,i have observed this matter1 and know many ladies who will sincerely agree with me in my opinion4 ,in a carriage always give the back seat to the lady or ladies accompanying you4 ,if you have but one lady with you1 take the seat opposite to her1 unless she invites you to sit beside her1 in which case accept her offer4 ,never put your arm across the seat1 or around her1 as many do in riding4 ,it is an impertinence1 and if she is a lady of refinement1 she will resent it as such4 ,if you offer a seat in your carriage to a lady1 or another gentleman whom you may meet at a party or picnic1 take them home1 before you drive to your own destination1 no matter how much you may have to drive out of your own way4 ,be the last to enter the carriage1 the first to leave it4 ,if you have ladies with you1 offer them your hand to assist them in entering and alighting1 and you should take the arm of an old gentleman to assist him4 ,if offered a seat in the carriage of a gentleman friend1 stand aside for him to get in first1 but if he waits for you1 bow and take your seat before he does4 ,when driving a lady in a two-seated vehicle1 you should assist her to enter the carriage1 see that her dress is not in danger of touching the wheels1 and that her shawl1 parasol1 and fan1 are where she can reach them1 before you take your own seat4 ,if she wishes to stop1 and you remain with the horses1 you should alight before she does1 assist her in alighting1 and again alight to help her to her seat when she returns1 even if you keep your place on the seat whilst she is gone4 ,when attending a lady in a horse-back ride1 never mount your horse until she is ready to start4 ,give her your hand to assist her in mounting1 arrange the folds of her habit1 hand her her reins and her whip1 and then take your own seat on your saddle4 ,let her pace be yours4 ,start when she does1 and let her decide how fast or slowly she will ride4 ,never let the head of your horse pass the shoulders of hers1 and be watchful and ready to render her any assistance she may require4 ,never1 by rapid riding1 force her to ride faster than she may desire4 ,never touch her bridle1 reins1 or whip1 except she particularly requests your assistance1 or an accident1 or threatened danger1 makes it necessary4 ,if there is dust or wind1 ride so as to protect her from it as far as possible4 ,if the road is muddy be careful that you do not ride so as to bespatter her habit4 ,it is best to ride on the side away from that upon which her habit falls4 ,some ladies change their side in riding1 from time to time1 and you must watch and see upon which side the skirt falls1 that1 on a muddy day1 you may avoid favoring the habit with the mud your horse's hoofs throw up4 ,if you ride with a gentleman older than yourself1 or one who claims your respect1 let him mount before you do4 ,extend the same courtesy towards any gentleman whom you have invited to accompany you1 as he is1 for the ride1 your guest4 ,the honorable place is on the right4 ,give this to a lady1 an elderly man1 or your guest4 ,a modern writer says3--,if walking with a female relative or friend1 a well-bred man will take the outer side of the pavement1 not only because the wall-side is the most honorable side of a public walk1 but also because it is generally the farthest point from danger in the street4 ,if walking alone1 he will be ready to offer assistance to any female whom he may see exposed to real peril from any source4 ,courtesy and manly courage will both incite him to this line of conduct4 ,in general1 this is a point of honor which almost all men are proud to achieve4 ,it has frequently happened that even where the savage passions of men have been excited1 and when mobs have been in actual conflict1 women have been gallantly escorted through the sanguinary crowd unharmed1 and their presence has even been a protection to their protectors4 ,this is as it should be2 and such incidents have shown in a striking manner1 not only the excellency of good breeding1 but have also brought it out when and where it was least to be expected4 ,in streets and all public walks1 a well-bred person will be easily distinguished from another who sets at defiance the rules of good breeding4 ,he will not1 whatever be his station1 hinder and annoy his fellow pedestrians1 by loitering or standing still in the middle of the footway4 ,he will1 if walking in company1 abstain from making impertinent remarks on those he meets2 he will even be careful not to appear indelicately to notice them4 ,he will not take 'the crown of the causeway' to himself1 but readily fall in with the convenient custom which necessity has provided1 and walk on the right side of the path1 leaving the left side free for those who are walking in the opposite direction4 ,any departure from these plain rules of good breeding is downright rudeness and insult2 or1 at all events1 it betrays great ignorance or disregard for propriety4 ,and yet1 how often are they departed from6 ,it is1 by no means1 uncommon1 especially in country places1 for groups of working men to obstruct the pathway upon which they take a fancy to lounge1 without any definite object1 as far as appears1 but that of making rude remarks upon passers-by4 ,but it is not only the laboring classes of society who offend against good breeding in this way2 too many others offend in the same1 and by stopping to talk in the middle of the pavement put all who pass to great inconvenience4 ,in meeting a lady do not offer to shake hands with her1 but accept her hand when she offers it for you to take4 ,in ,france1 where politeness is found in every class1 the people do not run against each other in the streets1 nor brush rudely by each other1 as they sometimes do in our cities4 ,it adds much to the pleasure of walking1 to be free from such annoyance2 and this can only be brought about by the well-taught few setting a good example to the many4 ,by having your wits about you1 you can win your way through a thronged street without touching even the extreme circumference of a balloon sleeve2 and1 if each one strove to avoid all contact1 it would be easily accomplished4 ,,chapter ,v4 ,,etiquette ,,for ,,calling4 ,a gentleman in society must calculate to give a certain portion of his time to making calls upon his friends1 both ladies and gentlemen4 ,he may extend his visiting list to as large a number as his inclination and time will permit him to attend to1 but he cannot contract it after passing certain limits4 ,his position as a man in society obliges him to call1 ,upon any stranger visiting his city1 who brings a letter of introduction to him2 ,upon any friend from another city1 to whose hospitality he has been at any time indebted2 ,upon any gentleman after receiving from his hands a favor or courtesy2 ,upon his host at any dinner or supper party1 7such calls should be made very soon after the entertainment given72 ,upon any friend whose joy or grief calls for an expression of sympathy1 whether it be congratulation or condolence2 ,upon any friend who has lately returned from a voyage or long journey2 ,upon any lady who has accepted his services as an escort1 either for a journey or the return from a ball or evening party2 this call must be made the day after he has thus escorted the lady2 ,upon his hostess after any party to which he has been invited1 whether he has accepted or declined such invitation2 ,upon any lady who has accepted his escort for an evening1 a walk or a drive2 ,upon any friend whom long or severe illness keeps confined to the house2 ,upon his lady friends on ,new ,year's day1 7if it is the custom of the city in which he resides27 ,upon any of his friends when they receive bridal calls2 ,upon lady friends in any city you are visiting2 if gentlemen friends reside in the same city1 you may either call upon them or send your card with your address and the length of time you intend staying1 written upon it2 if a stranger or friend visiting your city sends such a card1 you must call at the earliest opportunity2 ,upon any one of whom you wish to ask a favor2 to make him1 under such circumstances call upon you1 is extremely rude2 ,upon any one who has asked a favor of you2 you will add very much to the pleasure you confer1 in granting a favor1 by calling to express the gratification it affords you to be able to oblige your friend2 you will soften the pain of a refusal1 if1 by calling1 and expressing your regret1 you show that you feel interested in the request1 and consider it of importance4 ,upon intimate friends1 relatives1 and ladies1 you may call without waiting for any of the occasions given above4 ,do not fall into the vulgar error of declaiming against the practice of making calls1 declaring it a bore1 tiresome1 or stupid4 ,the custom is a good one4 ,an ,english writer says3-- ,the visit or call is a much better institution than is generally supposed4 ,it has its drawbacks4 ,it wastes much time2 it necessitates much small talk4 ,it obliges one to dress on the chance of finding a friend at home2 but for all this it is almost the only means of making an acquaintance ripen into friendship4 ,in the visit1 all the strain1 which general society somehow necessitates1 is thrown off4 ,a man receives you in his rooms cordially1 and makes you welcome1 not to a stiff dinner1 but an easy chair and conversation4 ,a lady1 who in the ball room or party has been compelled to limit her conversation1 can here speak more freely4 ,the talk can descend from generalities to personal inquiries1 and need ,i say1 that if you wish to know a young lady truly1 you must see her at home1 and by day light4 ,the main points to be observed about visits1 are the proper occasions and the proper hours4 ,now1 between actual friends there is little need of etiquette in these respects4 ,a friendly visit may be made at any time1 on any occasion4 ,true1 you are more welcome when the business of the day is over1 in the afternoon rather than in the morning1 and you must1 even as a friend1 avoid calling at meal times4 ,but1 on the other hand1 many people receive visits in the evening1 and certainly this is the best time to make them4 ,any first call which you receive must be returned promptly4 ,if you do not wish to continue the acquaintance any farther1 you need not return a second call1 but politeness imperatively demands a return of the first one4 ,a call may be made upon ladies in the morning or afternoon2 but in this country1 where almost every man has some business to occupy his day1 the evening is the best time for paying calls4 ,you will gain ground in easy intercourse and friendly acquaintance more rapidly in one evening1 than in several morning calls4 ,never make a call upon a lady before eleven o'clock in the morning1 or after nine in the evening4 ,avoid meal times4 ,if you inadvertently call at dinner or tea time1 and your host is thus forced to invite you to the table1 it is best to decline the civility4 ,if1 however1 you see that you will give pleasure by staying1 accept the invitation1 but be careful to avoid calling again at the same hour4 ,no man in the ,united ,states1 excepting ,his ,excellency1 the ,president1 can expect to receive calls unless he returns them4 ,visiting1 says a ,french writer1 forms the cord which binds society together1 and it is so firmly tied1 that were the knot severed1 society would perish4 ,a ceremonious call should never extend over more than fifteen minutes1 and it should not be less than ten minutes4 ,if you see the master of the house take letters or a paper from his pocket1 look at the clock1 have an absent air1 beat time with his fingers or hands1 or in any other way show weariness or ennui1 you may safely conclude that it is time for you to leave1 though you may not have been five minutes in the house4 ,if you are host to the most wearisome visitor in existence1 if he stays hours1 and converses only on subjects which do not interest you1 in the least2 unless he is keeping you from an important engagement1 you must not show the least sign of weariness4 ,listen to him politely1 endeavor to entertain him1 and preserve a smiling composure1 though you may long to show him the door4 ,in case he is keeping you from business of importance1 or an imperative engagement1 you may1 without any infringement upon the laws of politeness1 inform him of the fact1 and beg him to excuse you2 you must1 however1 express polite regret at your enforced want of hospitality1 and invite him to call again4 ,it is quite an art to make a graceful exit after a call4 ,to know how to choose the moment when you will be regretted1 and to retire leaving your friends anxious for a repetition of the call1 is an accomplishment worth acquiring4 ,when you begin to tire of your visit1 you may generally feel sure that your entertainers are tired of you1 and if you do not want to remain printed upon their memory as the man who makes such long1 tiresome calls1 you will retire4 ,if other callers come in before you leave a friend's parlor1 do not rise immediately as if you wished to avoid them1 but remain seated a few moments1 and then leave1 that your hostess may not have too many visitors to entertain at one time4 ,if you have been enjoying a tte--tte interview with a lady1 and other callers come in1 do not hurry away1 as if detected in a crime1 but after a few courteous1 graceful words1 and the interchange of some pleasant remarks1 leave her to entertain her other friends4 ,to endeavor when making a call to sit out others in the room1 is very rude4 ,when your host or hostess urges you to stay longer1 after you have risen to go1 be sure that that is the best time for departure4 ,you will do better to go then1 when you will be regretted1 than to wait until you have worn your welcome out4 ,when making a visit of condolence1 take your tone from your host or hostess4 ,if they speak of their misfortune1 or1 in case of death1 of the departed relative1 join them4 ,speak of the talents or virtues of the deceased1 and your sympathy with their loss4 ,if1 on the other hand1 they avoid the subject1 then it is best for you to avoid it too4 ,they may feel their inability to sustain a conversation upon the subject of their recent affliction1 and it would then be cruel to force it upon them4 ,if you see that they are making an effort1 perhaps a painful one1 to appear cheerful1 try to make them forget for the time their sorrows1 and chat on cheerful subjects4 ,at the same time1 avoid jesting1 merriment1 or undue levity1 as it will be out of place1 and appear heartless4 ,a visit of congratulation1 should1 on the contrary1 be cheerful1 gay1 and joyous4 ,here1 painful subjects would be out of place4 ,do not mar the happiness of your friend by the description of the misery of your own position or that of a third person1 but endeavor to show by joyous sympathy that the pleasure of your friend is also your happiness4 ,to laugh with those who laugh1 weep with those who are afflicted1 is not hypocrisy1 but kindly1 friendly sympathy4 ,always1 when making a friendly call1 send up your card1 by the servant who opens the door4 ,there are many times when a card may be left1 even if the family upon which you call is at home4 ,visits of condolence1 unless amongst relatives or very intimate friends1 are best made by leaving a card with enquiries for the health of the family1 and offers of service4 ,if you see upon entering a friend's parlor1 that your call is keeping him from going out1 or1 if you find a lady friend dressed for a party or promenade1 make your visit very brief4 ,in the latter case1 if the lady seems unattended1 and urges your stay1 you may offer your services as an escort4 ,never visit a literary man1 an artist1 any man whose profession allows him to remain at home1 at the hours when he is engaged in the pursuit of his profession4 ,the fact that you know he is at home is nothing2 he will not care to receive visits during the time allotted to his daily work4 ,never take another gentleman to call upon one of your lady friends without first obtaining her permission to do so4 ,the calls made after receiving an invitation to dinner1 a party1 ball1 or other entertainment should be made within a fortnight after the civility has been accepted4 ,when you have saluted the host and hostess1 do not take a seat until they invite you to do so1 or by a motion1 and themselves sitting down1 show that they expect you to do the same4 ,keep your hat in your hand when making a call4 ,this will show your host that you do not intend to remain to dine or sup with him4 ,you may leave an umbrella or cane in the hall if you wish1 but your hat and gloves you must carry into the parlor4 ,in making an evening call for the first time keep your hat and gloves in your hand1 until the host or hostess requests you to lay them aside and spend the evening4 ,when going to spend the evening with a friend whom you visit often1 leave your hat1 gloves1 and great coat in the hall4 ,if1 on entering a parlor of a lady friend1 in the evening1 you see by her dress1 or any other token1 that she was expecting to go to the opera1 concert1 or an evening party1 make a call of a few minutes only1 and then retire4 ,i have known men who accepted instantly the invitation given them to remain under these circumstances1 and deprive their friends of an anticipated pleasure1 when their call could have been made at any other time4 ,to thus impose upon the courtesy of your friends is excessively rude4 ,nothing will pardon such an acceptance but the impossibility of repeating your call1 owing to a short stay in town1 or any other cause4 ,even in this case it is better to accompany your friends upon their expedition in search of pleasure4 ,you can1 of course1 easily obtain admittance if they are going to a public entertainment1 and if they invite you to join their party to a friend's house1 you may without impropriety do so1 as a lady is privileged to introduce you to her friends under such circumstances4 ,it requires tact and discretion to know when to accept and when to decline such an invitation4 ,be careful that you do not intrude upon a party already complete in themselves1 or that you do not interfere with the plans of the gentlemen who have already been accepted as escorts4 ,never make a third upon such occasions4 ,neither one of a couple who propose spending the evening abroad together1 will thank the intruder who spoils their tte--tte4 ,when you find1 on entering a room1 that your visit is for any reason inopportune1 do not instantly retire unless you have entered unperceived and can so leave1 in which case leave immediately2 if1 however1 you have been seen1 your instant retreat is cut off4 ,then endeavor by your own graceful ease to cover any embarrassment your entrance may have caused1 make but a short call1 and1 if you can1 leave your friends under the impression that you saw nothing out of the way when you entered4 ,always leave a card when you find the person upon whom you have called absent from home4 ,a card should have nothing written upon it1 but your name and address4 ,to leave a card with your business address1 or the nature of your profession written upon it1 shows a shocking ignorance of polite society4 ,business cards are never to be used excepting when you make a business call4 ,never use a card that is ornamented in any way1 whether by a fancy border1 painted corners1 or embossing4 ,let it be perfectly plain1 tinted1 if you like1 in color1 but without ornament1 and have your name written or printed in the middle1 your address1 in smaller characters1 in the lower left hand corner4 ,many gentlemen omit the ,mr4 upon their cards1 writing merely their ,christian and surname2 this is a matter of taste1 you may follow your own inclination4 ,let your card be written thus3-- ,,henry ,c4 ,,pratt ,no4 #bag ,l4 street4 ,a physician will put ,dr4 before or ,m4,d4 after the name1 and an officer in the army or navy may add his title2 but for militia officers to do so is absurd4 ,if you call upon a lady1 who invites you to be seated1 place a chair for her1 and wait until she takes it before you sit down yourself4 ,never sit beside a lady upon a sofa1 or on a chair very near her own1 unless she invites you to do so4 ,if a lady enters the room where you are making a call1 rise1 and remain standing until she is seated4 ,even if she is a perfect stranger1 offer her a chair1 if there is none near her4 ,you must rise if a lady leaves the room1 and remain standing until she has passed out4 ,if you are engaged in any profession which you follow at home1 and receive a caller1 you may1 during the daytime1 invite him into your library1 study1 or the room in which you work1 and1 unless you use your pen1 you may work while he is with you4 ,when you receive a visitor1 meet him at the door1 offer a chair1 take his hat and cane1 and1 while speaking of the pleasure the call affords you1 show1 by your manner1 that you are sincere1 and desire a long call4 ,do not let your host come with you any farther than the room door if he has other visitors2 but if you are showing out a friend1 and leave no others in the parlor1 you should come to the street door4 ,a few hints from an ,english author1 will not be amiss in this place4 ,he says3-- ,visits of condolence and congratulation must be made about a week after the event4 ,if you are intimate with the person on whom you call1 you may ask1 in the first case1 for admission2 if not1 it is better only to leave a card1 and make your 'kind inquiries' of the servant1 who is generally primed in what manner to answer them4 ,in visits of congratulation you should always go in1 and be hearty in your congratulations4 ,visits of condolence are terrible inflictions to both receiver and giver1 but they may be made less so by avoiding1 as much as consistent with sympathy1 any allusion to the past4 ,the receiver does well to abstain from tears4 ,a lady of my acquaintance1 who had lost her husband1 was receiving such a visit in her best crape4 ,she wept profusely for some time upon the best of broad-hemmed cambric handkerchiefs1 and then turning to her visitor1 said3 ',i am sure you will be glad to hear that ,mr4 ,b4 has left me most comfortably provided for4' ,hinc ill lacrym4 ,perhaps they would have been more sincere if he had left her without a penny4 ,at the same time1 if you have not sympathy and heart enough to pump up a little condolence1 you will do better to avoid it1 but take care that your conversation is not too gay4 ,whatever you may feel1 you must respect the sorrows of others4 ,on marriage1 cards are sent round to such people as you wish to keep among your acquaintance1 and it is then their part to call first on the young couple1 when within distance4 ,having entered the house1 you take up with you to the drawing-room both hat and cane1 but leave an umbrella in the hall4 ,in ,france it is usual to leave a great-coat down stairs also1 but as calls are made in this country in morning dress1 it is not necessary to do so4 ,it is not usual to introduce people at morning calls in large towns2 in the country it is sometimes done1 not always4 ,the law of introductions is1 in fact1 to force no one into an acquaintance4 ,you should1 therefore1 ascertain beforehand whether it is agreeable to both to be introduced2 but if a lady or a superior expresses a wish to know a gentleman or an inferior1 the latter two have no right to decline the honor4 ,the introduction is of an inferior which position a gentleman always holds to a lady to the superior4 ,you introduce ,mr4 ,smith to ,mrs4 ,jones1 or ,mr4 ,a4 to ,lord ,b41 not vice versa4 ,in introducing two persons1 it is not necessary to lead one of them up by the hand1 but it is sufficient simply to precede them4 ,having thus brought the person to be introduced up to the one to whom he is to be presented1 it is the custom1 even when the consent has been previously obtained1 to say1 with a slight bow1 to the superior personage3 ',will you allow me to introduce ,mr4 ----8' ,the person addressed replies by bowing to the one introduced1 who also bows at the same time1 while the introducer repeats their names1 and then retires1 leaving them to converse4 ,thus1 for instance1 in presenting ,mr4 ,jones to ,mrs4 ,smith1 you will say1 ',mrs4 ,smith1 allow me to introduce ,mr4 ,jones1' and while they are engaged in bowing you will murmur1 ',mrs4 ,smith--,mr4 ,jones1' and escape4 ,if you have to present three or four people to said ,mrs4 ,smith1 it will suffice to utter their respective names without repeating that of the lady4 ,a well-bred person always receives visitors at whatever time they may call1 or whoever they may be2 but if you are occupied and cannot afford to be interrupted by a mere ceremony1 you should instruct the servant beforehand to say that you are 'not at home4' ,this form has often been denounced as a falsehood1 but a lie is no lie unless intended to deceive2 and since the words are universally understood to mean that you are engaged1 it can be no harm to give such an order to a servant4 ,but1 on the other hand1 if the servant once admits a visitor within the hall1 you should receive him at any inconvenience to yourself4 ,he also gives some admirable hints upon visits made to friends in another city or the country4 ,he says3-- ,a few words on visits to country houses before ,i quit this subject4 ,since a man's house is his castle1 no one1 not even a near relation1 has a right to invite himself to stay in it4 ,it is not only taking a liberty to do so1 but may prove to be very inconvenient4 ,a general invitation1 too1 should never be acted on4 ,it is often given without any intention of following it up2 but1 if given1 should be turned into a special one sooner or later4 ,an invitation should specify the persons whom it includes1 and the person invited should never presume to take with him any one not specified4 ,if a gentleman cannot dispense with his valet1 he should write to ask leave to bring a servant2 but the means of your inviter1 and the size of the house1 should be taken into consideration1 and it is better taste to dispense with a servant altogether4 ,children and horses are still more troublesome1 and should never be taken without special mention made of them4 ,it is equally bad taste to arrive with a wagonful of luggage1 as that is naturally taken as a hint that you intend to stay a long time4 ,the length of a country visit is indeed a difficult matter to decide1 but in the present day people who receive much generally specify the length in their invitation--a plan which saves a great deal of trouble and doubt4 ,but a custom not so commendable has lately come in of limiting the visits of acquaintance to two or three days4 ,this may be pardonable where the guest lives at no great distance1 but it is preposterous to expect a person to travel a long distance for a stay of three nights4 ,if1 however1 the length be not specified1 and cannot easily be discovered1 a week is the limit for a country visit1 except at the house of a near relation or very old friend4 ,it will1 however1 save trouble to yourself1 if1 soon after your arrival1 you state that you are come for a few days1 and1 if your host wishes you to make a longer visit1 he will at once press you to do so4 ,the main point in a country visit is to give as little trouble as possible1 to conform to the habits of your entertainers1 and never to be in the way4 ,on this principle you will retire to your own occupations soon after breakfast1 unless some arrangement has been made for passing the morning otherwise4 ,if you have nothing to do1 you may be sure that your host has something to attend to in the morning4 ,another point of good-breeding is to be punctual at meals1 for a host and hostess never sit down without their guest1 and dinner may be getting cold4 ,if1 however1 a guest should fail in this particular1 a well-bred entertainer will not only take no notice of it1 but attempt to set the late comer as much at his ease as possible4 ,a host should provide amusement for his guests1 and give up his time as much as possible to them2 but if he should be a professional man or student--an author1 for instance--the guest should1 at the commencement of the visit1 insist that he will not allow him to interrupt his occupations1 and the latter will set his visitor more at his ease by accepting this arrangement4 ,in fact1 the rule on which a host should act is to make his visitors as much at home as possible2 that on which a visitor should act1 is to interfere as little as possible with the domestic routine of the house4 ,the worst part of a country visit is the necessity of giving gratuities to the servants1 for a poor man may often find his visit cost him far more than if he had stayed at home4 ,it is a custom which ought to be put down1 because a host who receives much should pay his own servants for the extra trouble given4 ,some people have made by-laws against it in their houses1 but1 like those about gratuities to railway-porters1 they are seldom regarded4 ,in a great house a man-servant expects gold1 but a poor man should not be ashamed of offering him silver4 ,it must depend on the length of the visit4 ,the ladies give to the female1 the gentlemen to the male servants4 ,would that ,i might see my friends without paying them for their hospitality in this indirect manner6 ,,chapter ,,vi4 ,,etiquette ,,for ,,the ,,ball ,,room4 ,of all the amusements open for young people1 none is more delightful and more popular than dancing4 ,lord ,chesterfield1 in his letters to his son1 says3 ,dancing is1 in itself1 a very trifling and silly thing2 but it is one of those established follies to which people of sense are sometimes obliged to conform2 and then they should be able to do it well4 ,and1 though ,i would not have you a dancer1 yet1 when you do dance1 ,i would have you dance well1 as ,i would have you do everything you do well4 ,in another letter1 he writes3 ,do you mind your dancing while your dancing master is with you8 ,as you will be often under the necessity of dancing a minuet1 ,i would have you dance it very well4 ,remember that the graceful motion of the arms1 the giving of your hand1 and the putting off and putting on of your hat genteelly1 are the material parts of a gentleman's dancing4 ,but the greatest advantage of dancing well is1 that it necessarily teaches you to present yourself1 to sit1 stand1 and walk genteelly2 all of which are of real importance to a man of fashion4 ,although the days are over when gentlemen carried their hats into ball rooms and danced minuets1 there are useful hints in the quotations given above4 ,nothing will give ease of manner and a graceful carriage to a gentleman more surely than the knowledge of dancing4 ,he will1 in its practice1 acquire easy motion1 a light step1 and learn to use both hands and feet well4 ,what can be more awkward than a man who continually finds his hands and feet in his way1 and1 by his fussy movements1 betrays his trouble8 ,a good dancer never feels this embarrassment1 consequently he never appears aware of the existence of his feet1 and carries his hands and arms gracefully4 ,some people being bashful and afraid of attracting attention in a ball room or evening party1 do not take lessons in dancing1 overlooking the fact that it is those who do not partake of the amusement on such occasions1 not those who do1 that attract attention4 ,to all such gentlemen ,i would say2 ,learn to dance4 ,you will find it one of the very best plans for correcting bashfulness4 ,unless you possess the accomplishments that are common in polite society1 you can neither give nor receive all the benefits that can be derived from social intercourse4 ,when you receive an invitation to a ball1 answer it immediately4 ,if you go alone1 go from the dressing-room to the ball room1 find your host and hostess1 and speak first to them2 if there are several ladies in the house1 take the earliest opportunity of paying your respects to each of them1 and invite one of them to dance with you the first dance4 ,if she is already engaged1 you should endeavor to engage her for a dance later in the evening1 and are then at liberty to seek a partner amongst the guests4 ,when you have engaged a partner for a dance1 you should go to her a few moments before the set for which you have engaged her will be formed1 that you may not be hurried in taking your places upon the floor4 ,enquire whether she prefers the head or side place in the set1 and take the position she names4 ,in inviting a lady to dance with you1 the words1 ,will you honor me with your hand for a quadrille8 or1 ,shall ,i have the honor of dancing this set with you8 are more used now than ,shall ,i have the pleasure8 or1 ,will you give me the pleasure of dancing with you8 ,offer a lady your arm to lead her to the quadrille1 and in the pauses between the figures endeavor to make the duty of standing still less tiresome by pleasant conversation4 ,let the subjects be light1 as you will be constantly interrupted by the figures in the dance4 ,there is no occasion upon which a pleasant flow of small talk is more propos1 and agreeable than in a ball room4 ,when the dance is over1 offer your arm to your partner1 and enquire whether she prefers to go immediately to her seat1 or wishes to promenade4 ,if she chooses the former1 conduct her to her seat1 stand near her a few moments1 chatting1 then bow1 and give other gentlemen an opportunity of addressing her4 ,if she prefers to promenade1 walk with her until she expresses a wish to sit down4 ,enquire1 before you leave her1 whether you can be of any service1 and1 if the supper-room is open1 invite her to go in there with you4 ,you will pay a delicate compliment and one that will certainly be appreciated1 if1 when a lady declines your invitation to dance on the plea of fatigue or fear of fatigue1 you do not seek another partner1 but remain with the lady you have just invited1 and thus imply that the pleasure of talking with1 and being near1 her1 is greater than that of dancing with another4 ,let your hostess understand that you are at her service for the evening1 that she may have a prospect of giving her wall flowers a partner1 and1 however unattractive these may prove1 endeavor to make yourself as agreeable to them as possible4 ,your conduct will differ if you escort a lady to a ball4 ,then your principal attentions must be paid to her4 ,you must call for her punctually at the hour she has appointed1 and it is your duty to provide the carriage4 ,you may carry her a bouquet if you will1 this is optional4 ,a more elegant way of presenting it is to send it in the afternoon with your card1 as1 if you wait until evening1 she may think you do not mean to present one1 and provide one for herself4 ,when you arrive at your destination1 leave the carriage1 and assist her in alighting2 then escort her to the lady's dressing-room1 leave her at the door1 and go to the gentlemen's dressing-room4 ,as soon as you have arranged your own dress1 go again to the door of the lady's room1 and wait until your companion comes out4 ,give her your left arm and escort her to the ball room2 find the hostess and lead your companion to her4 ,when they have exchanged greetings1 lead your lady to a seat1 and then engage her for the first dance4 ,tell her that while you will not deprive others of the pleasure of dancing with her1 you are desirous of dancing with her whenever she is not more pleasantly engaged1 and before seeking a partner for any other set1 see whether your lady is engaged or is ready to dance again with you4 ,you must watch during the evening1 and1 while you do not force your attentions upon her1 or prevent others from paying her attention1 you must never allow her to be alone1 but join her whenever others are not speaking to her4 ,you must take her in to supper1 and be ready to leave the party1 whenever she wishes to do so4 ,if the ball is given in your own house1 or at that of a near relative1 it becomes your duty to see that every lady1 young or old1 handsome or ugly1 is provided with a partner1 though the oldest and ugliest may fall to your own share4 ,never stand up to dance unless you are perfect master of the step1 figure1 and time of that dance4 ,if you make a mistake you not only render yourself ridiculous1 but you annoy your partner and the others in the set4 ,if you have come alone to a ball1 do not devote yourself entirely to any one lady4 ,divide your attentions amongst several1 and never dance twice in succession with the same partner4 ,to affect an air of secrecy or mystery when conversing in a ball-room is a piece of impertinence for which no lady of delicacy will thank you4 ,when you conduct your partner to her seat1 thank her for the pleasure she has conferred upon you1 and do not remain too long conversing with her4 ,give your partner your whole attention when dancing with her4 ,to let your eyes wander round the room1 or to make remarks betraying your interest in others1 is not flattering1 as she will not be unobservant of your want of taste4 ,be very careful not to forget an engagement4 ,it is an unpardonable breach of politeness to ask a lady to dance with you1 and neglect to remind her of her promise when the time to redeem it comes4 ,a dress coat1 dress boots1 full suit of black1 and white or very light kid gloves must be worn in a ball room4 ,a white waistcoat and cravat are sometimes worn1 but this is a matter of taste4 ,never wait until the music commences before inviting a lady to dance with you4 ,if one lady refuses you1 do not ask another who is seated near her to dance the same set4 ,do not go immediately to another lady1 but chat a few moments with the one whom you first invited1 and then join a group or gentlemen friends for a few moments1 before seeking another partner4 ,never dance without gloves4 ,this is an imperative rule4 ,it is best to carry two pair1 as in the contact with dark dresses1 or in handing refreshments1 you may soil the pair you wear on entering the room1 and will thus be under the necessity of offering your hand covered by a soiled glove1 to some fair partner4 ,you can slip unperceived from the room1 change the soiled for a fresh pair1 and then avoid that mortification4 ,if your partner has a bouquet1 handkerchief1 or fan in her hand1 do not offer to carry them for her4 ,if she finds they embarrass her1 she will request you to hold them for her1 but etiquette requires you not to notice them1 unless she speaks of them first4 ,do not be the last to leave the ball room4 ,it is more elegant to leave early1 as staying too late gives others the impression that you do not often have an invitation to a ball1 and must make the most of it4 ,some gentlemen linger at a private ball until all the ladies have left1 and then congregate in the supper-room1 where they remain for hours1 totally regardless of the fact that they are keeping the wearied host and his servants from their rest4 ,never1 as you value your reputation as a gentleman of refinement1 be among the number of these hangers on4 ,the author of a recent work on etiquette1 published in ,england1 gives the following hints for those who go to balls4 ,he says3-- ,when inviting a lady to dance1 if she replies very politely1 asking to be excused1 as she does not wish to dance 7'with you1' being probably her mental reservation71 a man ought to be satisfied4 ,at all events1 he should never press her to dance after one refusal4 ,the set forms which ,turveydrop would give for the invitation are too much of the deportment school to be used in practice4 ,if you know a young lady slightly1 it is sufficient to say to her1 ',may ,i have the pleasure of dancing this waltz1 c41 with you8' or if intimately1 ',will you dance1 ,miss ,a--8' ,the young lady who has refused one gentleman1 has no right to accept another for that dance2 and young ladies who do not wish to be annoyed1 must take care not to accept two gentlemen for the same dance4 ,in ,germany such innocent blunders often cause fatal results4 ,two partners arrive at the same moment to claim the fair one's hand2 she vows she has not made a mistake2 'was sure she was engaged to ,herr ,a--1 and not to ,herr ,b--2' ,herr ,b-- is equally certain that she was engaged to him4 ,the awkwardness is1 that if he at once gives her up1 he appears to be indifferent about it2 while1 if he presses his suit1 he must quarrel with ,herr ,a--1 unless the damsel is clever enough to satisfy both of them2 and particularly if there is an especial interest in ,herr ,b--1 he yields at last1 but when the dance is over1 sends a friend to ,herr ,a--4 ,absurd as all this is1 it is common1 and ,i have often seen one ,herr or the other walking about with a huge gash on his cheek1 or his arm in a sling1 a few days after a ball4 ,friendship1 it appears1 can be let out on hire4 ,the lady who was so very amiable to you last night1 has a right to ignore your existence to-day4 ,in fact1 a ball room acquaintance rarely goes any farther1 until you have met at more balls than one4 ,in the same way a man cannot1 after being introduced to a young lady to dance with1 ask her to do so more than twice in the same evening4 ,a man may dance four or even five times with the same partner4 ,on the other hand1 a real well-bred man will wish to be useful1 and there are certain people whom it is imperative on him to ask to dance--the daughters of the house1 for instance1 and any young ladies whom he may know intimately2 but most of all the well-bred and amiable man will sacrifice himself to those plain1 ill-dressed1 dull looking beings who cling to the wall1 unsought and despairing4 ,after all1 he will not regret his good nature4 ,the spirits reviving at the unexpected invitation1 the wall-flower will pour out her best conversation1 will dance her best1 and will show him her gratitude in some way or other4 ,the formal bow at the end of a quadrille has gradually dwindled away4 ,at the end of every dance you offer your right arm to your partner1 7if by mistake you offer the left1 you may turn the blunder into a pretty compliment1 by reminding her that is le bras du coeur1 nearest the heart1 which if not anatomically true1 is1 at least1 no worse than talking of a sunset and sunrise71 and walk half round the room with her4 ,you then ask her if she will take any refreshment1 and1 if she accepts1 you convey your precious allotment of tarlatane to the refreshment room to be invigorated by an ice or negus1 or what you will4 ,it is judicious not to linger too long in this room1 if you are engaged to some one else for the next dance4 ,you will have the pleasure of hearing the music begin in the distant ball room1 and of reflecting that an expectant fair is sighing for you like ,marianna-- ,he cometh not1 she said4 ,she said1 ,i am a-weary a-weary1 ,i would ,i were in bed2 which is not an unfrequent wish in some ball rooms4 ,a well-bred girl1 too1 will remember this1 and always offer to return to the ball room1 however interesting the conversation4 ,if you are prudent you will not dance every dance1 nor in fact1 much more than half the number on the list2 you will then escape that hateful redness of face at the time1 and that wearing fatigue the next day which are among the worst features of a ball4 ,again1 a gentleman must remember that a ball is essentially a lady's party1 and in their presence he should be gentle and delicate almost to a fault1 never pushing his way1 apologizing if he tread on a dress1 still more so if he tears it1 begging pardon for any accidental annoyance he may occasion1 and addressing every body with a smile4 ,but quite unpardonable are those men whom one sometimes meets1 who1 standing in a door-way1 talk and laugh as they would in a barrack or college-rooms1 always coarsely1 often indelicately4 ,what must the state of their minds be1 if the sight of beauty1 modesty1 and virtue1 does not awe them into silence6 ,a man1 too1 who strolls down the room with his head in the air1 looking as if there were not a creature there worth dancing with1 is an ill-bred man1 so is he who looks bored2 and worse than all is he who takes too much champagne4 ,if you are dancing with a young lady when the supper-room is opened1 you must ask her if she would like to go to supper1 and if she says 'yes1' which1 in #iii cases out of #ajjj1 she certainly will do1 you must take her thither4 ,if you are not dancing1 the lady of the house will probably recruit you to take in some chaperon4 ,however little you may relish this1 you must not show your disgust4 ,in fact1 no man ought to be disgusted at being able to do anything for a lady2 it should be his highest privilege1 but it is not--in these modern unchivalrous days--perhaps never was so4 ,having placed your partner then at the supper-table1 if there is room there1 but if not at a side-table1 or even at none1 you must be as active as ,puck in attending to her wants1 and as women take as long to settle their fancies in edibles as in love-matters1 you had better at once get her something substantial1 chicken1 pt de foie gras1 mayonnaise1 or what you will4 ,afterwards come jelly and trifle in due course4 ,a young lady often goes down half-a-dozen times to the supper-room--it is to be hoped not for the purpose of eating--but she should not do so with the same partner more than once4 ,while the lady is supping you must stand by and talk to her1 attending to every want1 and the most you may take yourself is a glass of champagne when you help her4 ,you then lead her up stairs again1 and if you are not wanted there any more1 you may steal down and do a little quiet refreshment on your own account4 ,as long1 however1 as there are many ladies still at the table1 you have no right to begin4 ,nothing marks a man here so much as gorging at supper4 ,balls are meant for dancing1 not eating1 and unfortunately too many young men forget this in the present day4 ,lastly1 be careful what you say and how you dance after supper1 even more so than before it1 for if you in the slightest way displease a young lady1 she may fancy that you have been too partial to strong fluids1 and ladies never forgive that4 ,it would be hard on the lady of the house if every body leaving a large ball thought it necessary to wish her good night4 ,in quitting a small dance1 however1 a parting bow is expected4 ,it is then that the pretty daughter of the house gives you that sweet smile of which you dream afterwards in a gooseberry nightmare of 'tum-tum-tiddy-tum1' and waltzes deux temps1 and masses of tarlatane and bright eyes1 flushed cheeks and dewy glances4 ,see them to-morrow1 my dear fellow1 it will cure you4 ,i think flirtation comes under the head of morals more than of manners2 still ,i may be allowed to say that ball room flirtation being more open is less dangerous than any other4 ,a prudent man will never presume on a girl's liveliness or banter4 ,no man of taste ever made an offer after supper1 and certainly nine-tenths of those who have done so have regretted it at breakfast the next morning4 ,at public balls there are generally either three or four stewards on duty1 or a professional master of ceremonies4 ,these gentlemen having made all the arrangements1 order the dances1 and have power to change them if desirable4 ,they also undertake to present young men to ladies1 but it must be understood that such an introduction is only available for one dance4 ,it is better taste to ask the steward to introduce you simply to a partner1 than to point out any lady in particular4 ,he will probably then ask you if you have a choice1 and if not1 you may be certain he will take you to an established wall-flower4 ,public balls are scarcely enjoyable unless you have your own party4 ,as the great charm of a ball is its perfect accord and harmony1 all altercations1 loud talking1 c41 are doubly ill-mannered in a ball room4 ,very little suffices to disturb the peace of the whole company4 ,the same author gives some hints upon dancing which are so excellent that ,i need make no apology for quoting them4 ,he says3-- ',thank you--aw--,i do not dance1' is now a very common reply from a well-dressed1 handsome man1 who is leaning against the side of the door1 to the anxious1 heated hostess1 who feels it incumbent on her to find a partner for poor ,miss ,wallflower4 ,i say the reply is not only common1 but even regarded as rather a fine one to make4 ,in short1 men of the present day don't1 won't1 or can't dance2 and you can't make them do it1 except by threatening to give them no supper4 ,i really cannot discover the reason for this aversion to an innocent amusement1 for the apparent purpose of enjoying which they have spent an hour and a half on their toilet4 ,there is something1 indeed1 in the heat of a ball room1 there is a great deal in the ridiculous smallness of the closets into which the ball-giver crowds two hundred people1 with a cruel indifference only equalled by that of the black-hole of ,calcutta1 expecting them to enjoy themselves1 when the ladies' dresses are crushed and torn1 and the gentlemen1 under the despotism of theirs1 are melting away almost as rapidly as the ices with which an occasional waiter has the heartlessness to insult them4 ,then1 again1 it is a great nuisance to be introduced to a succession of plain1 uninteresting young women1 of whose tastes1 modes of life1 c41 you have not the slightest conception3 who may look gay1 yet have never a thought beyond the curate and the parish1 or appear to be serious1 while they understand nothing but the opera and ,so-and-so's ball--in fact1 to be in perpetual risk of either shocking their prejudices1 or plaguing them with subjects in which they can have no possible interest2 to take your chance whether they can dance at all1 and to know that when you have lighted on a real charmer1 perhaps the beauty of the room1 she is only lent to you for that dance1 and1 when that is over1 and you have salaamed away again1 you and she must remain to one another as if you had never met2 to feel1 in short1 that you must destroy either your present comfort or future happiness1 is certainly sufficiently trying to keep a man close to the side-posts of the doorway4 ,but these are reasons which might keep him altogether from a ball room1 and1 if he has these and other objections to dancing1 he certainly cannot be justified in coming to a place set apart for that sole purpose4 ,but ,i suspect that there are other reasons1 and that1 in most cases1 the individual can dance and does dance at times1 but has now a vulgar desire to be distinguished from the rest of his sex present1 and to appear indifferent to the pleasures of the evening4 ,if this be his laudable desire1 however he might1 at least1 be consistent1 and continue to cling to his door-post1 like ,st4 ,sebastian to his tree1 and reply throughout the evening1 ',thank you1 ,i don't take refreshments2' ',thank you1 ,i can't eat supper2' ',thank you1 ,i don't talk2' ',thank you1 ,i don't drink champagne1'--for if a ball room be purgatory1 what a demoniacal conflict does a supper-room present2 if young ladies be bad for the heart1 champagne is worse for the head4 ,no1 it is the will1 not the power to dance which is wanting1 and to refuse to do so1 unless for a really good reason1 is not the part of a well-bred man4 ,to mar the pleasure of others is obviously bad manners1 and1 though at the door-post1 you may not be in the way1 you may be certain that there are some young ladies longing to dance1 and expecting to be asked1 and that the hostess is vexed and annoyed by seeing them fixed1 like pictures1 to the wall4 ,it is therefore the duty of every man who has no scruples about dancing1 and purposes to appear at balls1 to learn how to dance4 ,in the present day the art is much simplified1 and if you can walk through a quadrille1 and perform a polka1 waltz1 or galop1 you may often dance a whole evening through4 ,of course1 if you can add to these the ,lancers1 ,schottische1 and ,polka-,mazurka1 you will have more variety1 and can be more generally agreeable4 ,but if your master or mistress a man learns better from the former has stuffed into your head some of the three hundred dances which he tells you exist1 the best thing you can do is to forget them again4 ,whether right or wrong1 the number of usual dances is limited1 and unusual ones should be very sparingly introduced into a ball1 for as few people know them1 their dancing1 on the one hand1 becomes a mere display1 and1 on the other1 interrupts the enjoyment of the majority4 ,the quadrille is pronounced to be essentially a conversational dance1 but1 inasmuch as the figures are perpetually calling you away from your partner1 the first necessity for dancing a quadrille is to be supplied with a fund of small talk1 in which you can go from subject to subject like a bee from flower to flower4 ,the next point is to carry yourself uprightly4 ,time was when--as in the days of the minuet de la cour--the carriage constituted the dance4 ,this is still the case with the quadrille1 in which1 even if ignorant of the figures1 you may acquit yourself well by a calm1 graceful carriage4 ,after all1 the most important figure is the smile1 and the feet may be left to their fate1 if we know what to do with our hands2 of which ,i may observe that they should never be pocketed4 ,the smile is essential4 ,a dance is supposed to amuse1 and nothing is more out of place in it than a gloomy scowl1 unless it be an ill-tempered frown4 ,the gaiety of a dance is more essential than the accuracy of its figures1 and if you feel none yourself1 you may1 at least1 look pleased by that of those around you4 ,a defiant manner is equally obnoxious4 ,an acquaintance of mine always gives me the impression1 when he advances in l't1 that he is about to box the lady who comes to meet him4 ,but the most objectionable of all is the supercilious manner4 ,dear me1 if you really think you do your partner an honor in dancing with her1 you should1 at least1 remember that your condescension is annulled by the manner in which you treat her4 ,a lady--beautiful word6--is a delicate creature1 one who should be reverenced and delicately treated4 ,it is1 therefore1 unpardonable to rush about in a quadrille1 to catch hold of a lady's hand as if it were a door-handle1 or to drag her furiously across the room1 as if you were ,bluebeard and she ,fatima1 with the mysterious closet opposite to you4 ,this brusque violent style of dancing is1 unfortunately1 common1 but immediately stamps a man4 ,though ,i would not have you wear a perpetual simper1 you should certainly smile when you take a lady's hand1 and the old custom of bowing in doing so1 is one that we may regret2 for1 does she not confer an honor on us by the action8 ,to squeeze it1 on the other hand1 is a gross familiarity1 for which you would deserve to be kicked out of the room4 ',steps1' as the chasser of the quadrille is called1 belong to a past age1 and even ladies are now content to walk through a quadrille4 ,it is1 however1 necessary to keep time with the music1 the great object being the general harmony4 ,to preserve this1 it is also advisable1 where the quadrille1 as is now generally the case1 is danced by two long lines of couples down the room1 that in l't1 and other figures1 in which a gentleman and lady advance alone to meet one another1 none but gentlemen should advance from the one side1 and1 therefore1 none but ladies from the other4 ,dancing masters find it convenient to introduce new figures1 and the fashion of ,la ,trnise and the ,grande ,ronde is repeatedly changing4 ,it is wise to know the last mode1 but not to insist on dancing it4 ,a quadrille cannot go on evenly if any confusion arises from the ignorance1 obstinacy1 or inattention of any one of the dancers4 ,it is therefore useful to know every way in which a figure may be danced1 and to take your cue from the others4 ,it is amusing1 however1 to find how even such a trifle as a choice of figures in a quadrille can help to mark caste1 and give a handle for supercilious sneers4 ,jones1 the other day1 was protesting that the ,browns were 'vulgar4' ',why so8 they are well-bred4' ',yes1 so they are4' ',they are well-informed4' ',certainly4' ',they are polite1 speak good ,english1 dress quietly and well1 are graceful and even elegant4' ',i grant you all that4' ',then what fault can you find with them8' ',my dear fellow1 they are people who gallop round in the last figure of a quadrille1' he replied1 triumphantly4 ,but to a certain extent ,jones is right4 ,where a choice is given1 the man of taste will always select for a quadrille 7as it is a conversational dance7 the quieter mode of performing a figure1 and so the ,browns1 if perfect in other respects1 at least were wanting in taste4 ,there is one alteration lately introduced from ,france1 which ,i sincerely trust1 will be universally accepted4 ,the farce of that degrading little performance called 'setting'--where you dance before your partner somewhat like ,man ,friday before ,robinson ,crusoe1 and then as if your feelings were overcome1 seize her hands and whirl her round--has been finally abolished by a decree of ,fashion1 and thus more opportunity is given for conversation1 and in a crowded room you have no occasion to crush yourself and partner between the couples on each side of you4 ,i do not attempt to deny that the quadrille1 as now walked1 is ridiculous2 the figures1 which might be graceful1 if performed in a lively manner1 have entirely lost their spirit1 and are become a burlesque of dancing2 but1 at the same time1 it is a most valuable dance4 ,old and young1 stout and thin1 good dancers and bad1 lazy and active1 stupid and clever1 married and single1 can all join in it1 and have not only an excuse and opportunity for tte--tte conversation1 which is decidedly the easiest1 but find encouragement in the music1 and in some cases convenient breaks in the necessity of dancing4 ,a person of few ideas has time to collect them while the partner is performing1 and one of many can bring them out with double effect4 ,lastly1 if you wish to be polite or friendly to an acquaintance who dances atrociously1 you can select a quadrille for him or her1 as the case may be4 ,very different in object and principle are the so-called round dances1 and there are great limitations as to those who should join in them4 ,here the intention is to enjoy a peculiar physical movement under peculiar conditions1 and the conversation during the intervals of rest is only a secondary object4 ,these dances demand activity and lightness1 and should therefore be1 as a rule1 confined to the young4 ,an old man sacrifices all his dignity in a polka1 and an old woman is ridiculous in a waltz4 ,corpulency1 too1 is generally a great impediment1 though some stout people prove to be the lightest dancers4 ,the morality of round dances scarcely comes within my province4 ,they certainly can be made very indelicate2 so can any dance1 and the ,french cancan proves that the quadrille is no safer in this respect than the waltz4 ,but it is a gross insult to our daughters and sisters to suppose them capable of any but the most innocent and purest enjoyment in the dance1 while of our young men ,i will say1 that to the pure all things are pure4 ,those who see harm in it1 are those in whose mind evil thoughts must have arisen4 ,honi soit qui mal y pense4 ,those who rail against dancing are perhaps not aware that they do but follow in the steps of the ,romish ,church4 ,in many parts of the ,continent1 bishops who have never danced in their lives1 and perhaps never seen a dance1 have laid a ban of excommunication on waltzing4 ,a story was told to me in ,normandy of the worthy ,bishop of ,bayeux1 one of this number4 ,a priest of his diocese petitioned him to put down round dances4 ',i know nothing about them1' replied the prelate1 ',i have never seen a waltz4' ,upon this the younger ecclesiastic attempted to explain what it was and wherein the danger lay1 but the bishop could not see it4 ',will ,monseigneur permit me to show him8' asked the priest4 ',certainly4 ,my chaplain here appears to understand the subject2 let me see you two waltz4' ,how the reverend gentlemen came to know so much about it does not appear1 but they certainly danced a polka1 a gallop1 and a trois-temps waltz4 ',all these seem harmless enough4' ',oh6 but ,monseigneur has not seen the worst2' and thereupon the two gentlemen proceeded to flounder through a valse deux-temps4 ,they must have murdered it terribly1 for they were not half round the room when his ,lordship cried out1 ',enough1 enough1 that is atrocious1 and deserves excommunication4' ,accordingly this waltz was forbid1 while the other dances were allowed4 ,i was at a public ball at ,caen soon after this occurrence1 and was amused to find the trois-temps danced with a peculiar shuffle1 by way of compromise between conscience and pleasure4 ,there are people in this country whose logic is as good as that of the ,bishop of ,bayeux1 but ,i confess my inability to understand it4 ,if there is impropriety in round dances1 there is the same in all4 ,but to the waltz1 which poets have praised and preachers denounced4 ,the ,french1 with all their love of danger1 waltz atrociously1 the ,english but little better2 the ,germans and ,russians alone understand it4 ,i could rave through three pages about the innocent enjoyment of a good waltz1 its grace and beauty1 but ,i will be practical instead1 and give you a few hints on the subject4 ,the position is the most important point4 ,the lady and gentleman before starting should stand exactly opposite to one another1 quite upright1 and not1 as is so common1 painfully close to one another4 ,if the man's hand be placed where it should be1 at the centre of the lady's waist1 and not all round it1 he will have as firm a hold and not be obliged to stoop1 or bend to his right4 ,the lady's head should then be turned a little towards her left shoulder1 and her partner's somewhat less towards his right1 in order to preserve the proper balance4 ,nothing can be more atrocious than to see a lady lay her head on her partner's shoulder2 but1 on the other hand1 she will not dance well1 if she turns it in the opposite direction4 ,the lady again should throw her head and shoulders a little back1 and the man lean a very little forward4 ,the position having been gained1 the step is the next question4 ,in ,germany the rapidity of the waltz is very great1 but it is rendered elegant by slackening the pace every now and then1 and thus giving a crescendo and decrescendo time to the movement4 ,the ,russian men undertake to perform in waltzing the same feat as the ,austrians in riding1 and will dance round the room with a glass of champagne in the left hand without spilling a drop4 ,this evenness in waltzing is certainly very graceful1 but can only be attained by a long sliding step1 which is little practised where the rooms are small1 and people1 not understanding the real pleasure of dancing well1 insist on dancing all at the same time4 ,in ,germany they are so alive to the necessity of ample space1 that in large balls a rope is drawn across the room2 its two ends are held by the masters of the ceremonies pro-tem41 and as one couple stops and retires1 another is allowed to pass under the rope and take its place4 ,but then in ,germany they dance for the dancing's sake4 ,however this may be1 an even motion is very desirable1 and all the abominations which militate against it1 such as hop-waltzes1 the ,schottische1 and ridiculous ,varsovienne1 are justly put down in good society4 ,the pace1 again1 should not be sufficiently rapid to endanger other couples4 ,it is the gentleman's duty to steer1 and in crowded rooms nothing is more trying4 ,he must keep his eyes open and turn them in every direction1 if he would not risk a collision1 and the chance of a fall1 or what is as bad1 the infliction of a wound on his partner's arm4 ,i have seen a lady's arm cut open in such a collision by the bracelet of that of another lady2 and the sight is by no means a pleasant one in a ball room1 to say nothing of a new dress covered in a moment with blood4 ,the consequences of violent dancing may be really serious4 ,not only do delicate girls bring on1 thereby1 a violent palpitation of the heart1 and their partners appear in a most disagreeable condition of solution1 but dangerous falls ensue from it4 ,i have known instances of a lady's head being laid open1 and a gentleman's foot being broken in such a fall1 resulting1 poor fellow6 in lameness for life4 ,it is1 perhaps1 useless to recommend flat-foot waltzing in this country1 where ladies allow themselves to be almost hugged by their partners1 and where men think it necessary to lift a lady almost off the ground1 but ,i am persuaded that if it were introduced1 the outcry against the impropriety of waltzing would soon cease4 ,nothing can be more delicate than the way in which a ,german holds his partner4 ,it is impossible to dance on the flat foot unless the lady and gentleman are quite free of one another4 ,his hand1 therefore1 goes no further round her waist than to the hooks and eyes of her dress1 hers1 no higher than to his elbow4 ,thus danced1 the waltz is smooth1 graceful1 and delicate1 and we could never in ,germany complain of our daughter's languishing on a young man's shoulder4 ,on the other hand1 nothing is more graceless and absurd than to see a man waltzing on the tips of his toes1 lifting his partner off the ground1 or twirling round and round with her like the figures on a street organ4 ,the test of waltzing in time is to be able to stamp the time with the left foot4 ,a good flat-foot waltzer can dance on one foot as well as on two1 but ,i would not advise him to try it in public1 lest1 like ,mr4 ,rarey's horse on three legs1 he should come to the ground in a luckless moment4 ,the legs should be very little bent in dancing1 the body still less so4 ,i do not know whether it be worse to see a man sit down in a waltz1 or to find him with his head poked forward over your young wife's shoulder1 hot1 red1 wild1 and in far too close proximity to the partner of your bosom1 whom he makes literally the partner of his own4 ,the ',lancers' are a revival1 after many long years1 and1 perhaps1 we may soon have a drawing-room adaptation of the ,morris-dance4 ,the only advice1 therefore1 which it is necessary to give to those who wish to dance the polka may be summed up in one word1 'don't4' ,not so with the galop4 ,the remarks as to the position in waltzing apply to all round dances1 and there is1 therefore1 little to add with regard to the galop1 except that it is a great mistake to suppose it to be a rapid dance4 ,it should be danced as slowly as possible4 ,it will then be more graceful and less fatiguing4 ,it is danced quite slowly in ,germany and on the flat foot4 ,the polka-mazurka is still much danced1 and is certainly very graceful4 ,the remarks on the quadrille apply equally to the lancers1 which are great favorites1 and threaten to take the place of the former4 ,the schottische1 hop-waltz1 redowa1 varsovienne1 cellarius1 and so forth1 have had their day1 and are no longer danced in good society4 ,the calm ease which marks the man of good taste1 makes even the swiftest dances graceful and agreeable4 ,vehemence may be excused at an election1 but not in a ball room4 ,i once asked a beautiful and very clever young lady how she1 who seemed to pass her life with books1 managed to dance so well4 ',i enjoy it1' she replied2 'and when ,i dance ,i give my whole mind to it4' ,and she was quite right4 ,whatever is worth doing at all1 is worth doing well2 and if it is not beneath your dignity to dance1 it is not unworthy of your mind to give itself1 for the time1 wholly up to it4 ,you will never enjoy dancing till you do it well2 and1 if you do not enjoy it1 it is folly to dance4 ,but1 in reality1 dancing1 if it be a mere trifle1 is one to which great minds have not been ashamed to stoop4 ,locke1 for instance1 has written on its utility1 and speaks of it as manly1 which was certainly not ,michal's opinion1 when she looked out of the window and saw her lord and master dancing and playing4 ,plato recommended it1 and ,socrates learned the ,athenian polka of the day when quite an old gentleman1 and liked it very much4 ,some one has even gone the length of calling it 'the logic of the body2' and ,addison defends himself for making it the subject of a disquisition4 ,,chapter ,,vii4 ,,dress4 ,between the sloven and the coxcomb there is generally a competition which shall be the more contemptible3 the one in the total neglect of every thing which might make his appearance in public supportable1 and the other in the cultivation of every superfluous ornament4 ,the former offends by his negligence and dirt1 and the latter by his finery and perfumery4 ,each entertains a supreme contempt for the other1 and while both are right in their opinion1 both are wrong in their practice4 ,it is not in either extreme that the man of real elegance and refinement will be shown1 but in the happy medium which allows taste and judgment to preside over the wardrobe and toilet-table1 while it prevents too great an attention to either1 and never allows personal appearance to become the leading object of life4 ,the ,french have a proverb1 ,it is not the cowl which makes the monk1 and it might be said with equal truth1 ,it is not the dress which makes the gentleman1 yet1 as the monk is known abroad by his cowl1 so the true gentleman will let the refinement of his mind and education be seen in his dress4 ,the first rule for the guidance of a man1 in matters of dress1 should be1 ,let the dress suit the occasion4 ,it is as absurd for a man to go into the street in the morning with his dress-coat1 white kid gloves1 and dancing-boots1 as it would be for a lady to promenade the fashionable streets1 in full evening dress1 or for the same man to present himself in the ball-room with heavy walking-boots1 a great coat1 and riding-cap4 ,it is true that there is little opportunity for a gentleman to exercise his taste for coloring1 in the black and white dress which fashion so imperatively declares to be the proper dress for a dress occasion4 ,he may indulge in light clothes in the street during the warm months of the year1 but for the ball or evening party1 black and white are the only colors 7or no colors7 admissible1 and in the midst of the gay dresses of the ladies1 the unfortunate man in his sombre dress appears like a demon who has found his way into ,paradise among the angels4 ,n'importe6 ,men should be useful to the women1 and how can they be better employed than acting as a foil for their loveliness of face and dress6 ,notwithstanding the dress1 however1 a man may make himself agreeable1 even in the earthly ,paradise1 a ball-room4 ,he can rise above the mourning of his coat1 to the joyousness of the occasion1 and make himself valued for himself1 not his dress4 ,he can make himself admired for his wit1 not his toilette2 his elegance and refinement1 not the price of his clothes4 ,there is another good rule for the dressing-room3 ,while you are engaged in dressing give your whole attention to it4 ,see that every detail is perfect1 and that each article is neatly arranged4 ,from the curl of your hair to the tip of your boot1 let all be perfect in its make and arrangement1 but1 as soon as you have left your mirror1 forget your dress4 ,nothing betokens the coxcomb more decidedly than to see a man always fussing about his dress1 pulling down his wristbands1 playing with his moustache1 pulling up his shirt collar1 or arranging the bow of his cravat4 ,once dressed1 do not attempt to alter any part of your costume until you are again in the dressing-room4 ,in a gentleman's dress any attempt to be conspicuous is in excessively bad taste4 ,if you are wealthy1 let the luxury of your dress consist in the fine quality of each article1 and in the spotless purity of gloves and linen1 but never wear much jewelry or any article conspicuous on account of its money value4 ,simplicity should always preside over the gentleman's wardrobe4 ,follow fashion as far as is necessary to avoid eccentricity or oddity in your costume1 but avoid the extreme of the prevailing mode4 ,if coats are worn long1 yours need not sweep the ground1 if they are loose1 yours may still have some fitness for your figure2 if pantaloons are cut large over the boot1 yours need not cover the whole foot1 if they are tight1 you may still take room to walk4 ,above all1 let your figure and style of face have some weight in deciding how far you are to follow fashion4 ,for a very tall man to wear a high1 narrow-brimmed hat1 long-tailed coat1 and tight pantaloons1 with a pointed beard and hair brushed up from the forehead1 is not more absurd than for a short1 fat man1 to promenade the street in a low1 broad-brimmed hat1 loose coat and pants1 and the latter made of large plaid material1 and yet burlesques quite as broad may be met with every day4 ,an ,english writer1 ridiculing the whims of ,fashion1 says3-- ,to be in the fashion1 an ,englishman must wear six pairs of gloves in a day3 ,in the morning1 he must drive his hunting wagon in reindeer gloves4 ,in hunting1 he must wear gloves of chamois skin4 ,to enter ,london in his tilbury1 beaver skin gloves4 ,later in the day1 to promenade in ,hyde ,park1 colored kid gloves1 dark4 ,when he dines out1 colored kid gloves1 light4 ,for the ball-room1 white kid gloves4 ,thus his yearly bill for gloves alone will amount to a most extravagant sum4 ,in order to merit the appellation of a well-dressed man1 you must pay attention1 not only to the more prominent articles of your wardrobe1 coat1 pants1 and vest1 but to the more minute details4 ,a shirtfront which fits badly1 a pair of wristbands too wide or too narrow1 a badly brushed hat1 a shabby pair of gloves1 or an ill-fitting boot1 will spoil the most elaborate costume4 ,purity of skin1 teeth1 nails2 well brushed hair2 linen fresh and snowy white1 will make clothes of the coarsest material1 if well made1 look more elegant1 than the finest material of cloth1 if these details are neglected4 ,frequent bathing1 careful attention to the teeth1 nails1 ears1 and hair1 are indispensable to a finished toilette4 ,use but very little perfume1 much of it is in bad taste4 ,let your hair1 beard1 and moustache1 be always perfectly smooth1 well arranged1 and scrupulously clean4 ,it is better to clean the teeth with a piece of sponge1 or very soft brush1 than with a stiff brush1 and there is no dentifrice so good as ,white ,castile ,soap4 ,wear always gloves and boots1 which fit well and are fresh and whole4 ,soiled or torn gloves and boots ruin a costume otherwise faultless4 ,extreme propriety should be observed in dress4 ,be careful to dress according to your means4 ,too great saving is meanness1 too great expense is extravagance4 ,a young man may follow the fashion farther than a middle-aged or elderly man1 but let him avoid going to the extreme of the mode1 if he would not be taken for an empty headed fop4 ,it is best to employ a good tailor1 as a suit of coarse broadcloth which fits you perfectly1 and is stylish in cut1 will make a more elegant dress than the finest material badly made4 ,avoid eccentricity2 it marks1 not the man of genius1 but the fool4 ,a well brushed hat1 and glossy boots must be always worn in the street4 ,white gloves are the only ones to be worn with full dress4 ,a snuff box1 watch1 studs1 sleeve-buttons1 watch-chain1 and one ring are all the jewelry a well-dressed man can wear4 ,an ,english author1 in a recent work1 gives the following rules for a gentleman's dress3 ,the best bath for general purposes1 and one which can do little harm1 and almost always some good1 is a sponge bath4 ,it should consist of a large1 flat metal basin1 some four feet in diameter1 filled with cold water4 ,such a vessel may be bought for about fifteen shillings4 ,a large1 coarse sponge--the coarser the better--will cost another five or seven shillings1 and a few ,turkish towels complete the 'properties4' ,the water should be plentiful and fresh1 that is1 brought up a little while before the bath is to be used2 not placed over night in the bed-room4 ,let us wash and be merry1 for we know not how soon the supply of that precious article which here costs nothing may be cut off4 ,in many continental towns they buy their water1 and on a protracted sea voyage the ration is often reduced to half a pint a day for all purposes1 so that a pint per diem is considered luxurious4 ,sea-water1 we may here observe1 does not cleanse1 and a sensible man who bathes in the sea will take a bath of pure water immediately after it4 ,this practice is shamefully neglected1 and ,i am inclined to think that in many cases a sea-bath will do more harm than good without it1 but1 if followed by a fresh bath1 cannot but be advantageous4 ,taking the sponge bath as the best for ordinary purposes1 we must point out some rules in its use4 ,the sponge being nearly a foot in length1 and six inches broad1 must be allowed to fill completely with water1 and the part of the body which should be first attacked is the stomach4 ,it is there that the most heat has collected during the night1 and the application of cold water quickens the circulation at once1 and sends the blood which has been employed in digestion round the whole body4 ,the head should next be soused1 unless the person be of full habit1 when the head should be attacked before the feet touch the cold water at all4 ,some persons use a small hand shower bath1 which is less powerful than the common shower bath1 and does almost as much good4 ,the use of soap in the morning bath is an open question4 ,i confess a preference for a rough towel1 or a hair glove4 ,brummell patronized the latter1 and applied it for nearly a quarter of an hour every morning4 ,the ancients followed up the bath by anointing the body1 and athletic exercises4 ,the former is a mistake2 the latter1 an excellent practice1 shamefully neglected in the present day4 ,it would conduce much to health and strength if every morning toilet comprised the vigorous use of the dumb-bells1 or1 still better1 the exercise of the arms without them4 ,the best plan of all is1 to choose some object in your bed-room on which to vent your hatred1 and box at it violently for some ten minutes1 till the perspiration covers you4 ,the sponge must then be again applied to the whole body4 ,it is very desirable to remain without clothing as long as possible1 and ,i should therefore recommend that every part of the toilet which can conveniently be performed without dressing1 should be so4 ,the next duty1 then1 must be to clean the ,,teeth4 ,dentists are modern inquisitors1 but their torture-rooms are meant only for the foolish4 ,everybody is born with good teeth1 and everybody might keep them good by a proper diet1 and the avoidance of sweets and smoking4 ,of the two the former are1 perhaps1 the more dangerous4 ,nothing ruins the teeth so soon as sugar in one's tea1 and highly sweetened tarts and puddings1 and as it is le premier pas qui cote1 these should be particularly avoided in childhood4 ,when the teeth attain their full growth and strength it takes much more to destroy either their enamel or their substance4 ,it is upon the teeth that the effects of excess are first seen1 and it is upon the teeth that the odor of the breath depends4 ,if ,i may not say that it is a ,christian duty to keep your teeth clean1 ,i may1 at least1 remind you that you cannot be thoroughly agreeable without doing so4 ,let words be what they may1 if they come with an impure odor1 they cannot please4 ,the butterfly loves the scent of the rose more than its honey4 ,the teeth should be well rubbed inside as well as outside1 and the back teeth even more than the front4 ,the mouth should then be rinsed1 if not seven times1 according to the ,hindu legislator1 at least several times1 with fresh1 cold water4 ,this same process should be repeated several times a day1 since eating1 smoking1 and so forth1 naturally render the teeth and mouth dirty more or less1 and nothing can be so offensive1 particularly to ladies1 whose sense of smell seems to be keener than that of the other sex1 and who can detect at your first approach whether you have been drinking or smoking4 ,but1 if only for your own comfort1 you should brush your teeth both morning and evening1 which is quite requisite for the preservation of their soundness and color2 while1 if you are to mingle with others1 they should be brushed1 or1 at least1 the mouth well rinsed after every meal1 still more after smoking1 or drinking wine1 beer1 or spirits4 ,no amount of general attractiveness can compensate for an offensive odor in the breath2 and none of the senses is so fine a gentleman1 none so unforgiving1 if offended1 as that of smell4 ,strict attention must be paid to the condition of the nails1 and that both as regards cleaning and cutting4 ,the former is best done with a liberal supply of soap on a small nail-brush1 which should be used before every meal1 if you would not injure your neighbor's appetite4 ,while the hand is still moist1 the point of a small pen-knife or pair of stumpy nail-scissors should be passed under the nails so as to remove every vestige of dirt2 the skin should be pushed down with a towel1 that the white half-moon may be seen1 and the finer skin removed with the knife or scissors4 ,occasionally the edges of the nails should be filed1 and the hard skin which forms round the corners of them cut away4 ,the important point in cutting the nails is to preserve the beauty of their shape4 ,that beauty1 even in details1 is worth preserving1 ,i have already remarked1 and we may study it as much in paring our nails1 as in the grace of our attitudes1 or any other point4 ,the shape1 then1 of the nail should approach1 as nearly as possible1 to the oblong4 ,the length of the nail is an open question4 ,let it be often cut1 but always long1 in my opinion4 ,above all1 let it be well cut1 and never bitten4 ,perhaps you tell me these are childish details4 ,details1 yes1 but not childish4 ,the attention to details is the true sign of a great mind1 and he who can in necessity consider the smallest1 is the same man who can compass the largest subjects4 ,is not life made up of details8 ,must not the artist who has conceived a picture1 descend from the dream of his mind to mix colors on a palette8 ,must not the great commander who is bowling down nations and setting up monarchies care for the health and comfort1 the bread and beef of each individual soldier8 ,i have often seen a great poet1 whom ,i knew personally1 counting on his fingers the feet of his verses1 and fretting with anything but poetic language1 because he could not get his sense into as many syllables4 ,what if his nails were dirty8 ,let genius talk of abstract beauty1 and philosophers dogmatize on order4 ,if they do not keep their nails clean1 ,i shall call them both charlatans4 ,the man who really loves beauty will cultivate it in everything around him4 ,the man who upholds order is not conscientious if he cannot observe it in his nails4 ,the great mind can afford to descend to details2 it is only the weak mind that fears to be narrowed by them4 ,when ,napoleon was at ,munich he declined the grand four-poster of the ,witelsbach family1 and slept1 as usual1 in his little camp-bed4 ,the power to be little is a proof of greatness4 ,for the hands1 ears1 and neck we want something more than the bath1 and1 as these parts are exposed and really lodge fugitive pollutions1 we cannot use too much soap1 or give too much trouble to their complete purification4 ,nothing is lovelier than a woman's small1 white1 shell-like ear2 few things reconcile us better to earth than the cold hand and warm heart of a friend2 but1 to complete the charm1 the hand should be both clean and soft4 ,warm water1 a liberal use of the nail-brush1 and no stint of soap1 produce this amenity far more effectually than honey1 cold cream1 and almond paste4 ,of wearing gloves ,i shall speak elsewhere1 but for weak people who are troubled with chilblains1 they are indispensable all the year round4 ,i will add a good prescription for the cure of chilblains1 which are both a disfigurement1 and one of the petites misres of human life4 ',roll the fingers in linen bandages1 sew them up well1 and dip them twice or thrice a day in a mixture1 consisting of half a fluid ounce of tincture of capsicum1 and a fluid ounce of tincture of opium4' ,the person who invented razors libelled ,nature1 and added a fresh misery to the days of man4 ,whatever ,punch may say1 the moustache and beard movement is one in the right direction1 proving that men are beginning to appreciate beauty and to acknowledge that ,nature is the best valet4 ,but it is very amusing to hear men excusing their vanity on the plea of health1 and find them indulging in the hideous ',newgate frill' as a kind of compromise between the beard and the razor4 ,there was a time when it was thought a presumption and vanity to wear one's own hair instead of the frightful elaborations of the wig-makers1 and the false curls which ,sir ,godfrey ,kneller did his best to make graceful on canvas4 ,who knows that at some future age some ,punch of the twenty-first century may not ridicule the wearing of one's own teeth instead of the dentist's8 ,at any rate ,nature knows best1 and no man need be ashamed of showing his manhood in the hair of his face4 ,of razors and shaving1 therefore1 ,i shall only speak from necessity1 because1 until everybody is sensible on this point1 they will still be used4 ,napoleon shaved himself4 ',a born king1' said he1 'has another to shave him4 ,a made king can use his own razor4' ,but the war he made on his chin was very different to that he made on foreign potentates4 ,he took a very long time to effect it1 talking between whiles to his hangers-on4 ,the great man1 however1 was right1 and every sensible man will shave himself1 if only as an exercise of character1 for a man should learn to live1 in every detail without assistance4 ,moreover1 in most cases1 we shave ourselves better than barbers can do4 ,if we shave at all1 we should do it thoroughly1 and every morning4 ,nothing1 except a frown and a hay-fever1 makes the face look so unlovely as a chin covered with short stubble4 ,the chief requirements are hot water1 a large1 soft brush of badger hair1 a good razor1 soft soap that will not dry rapidly1 and a steady hand4 ,cheap razors are a fallacy4 ,they soon lose their edge1 and no amount of stropping will restore it4 ,a good razor needs no strop4 ,if you can afford it1 you should have a case of seven razors1 one for each day of the week1 so that no one shall be too much used4 ,there are now much used packets of papers of a certain kind on which to wipe the razor1 and which keep its edge keen1 and are a substitute for the strop4 ,beards1 moustaches1 and whiskers1 have always been most important additions to the face4 ,in the present day literary men are much given to their growth1 and in that respect show at once their taste and their vanity4 ,let no man be ashamed of his beard1 if it be well kept and not fantastically cut4 ,the moustache should be kept within limits4 ,the ,hungarians wear it so long that they can tie the ends round their heads4 ,the style of the beard should be adopted to suit the face4 ,a broad face should wear a large1 full one2 a long face is improved by a sharp-pointed one4 ,taylor1 the water poet1 wrote verses on the various styles1 and they are almost numberless4 ,the chief point is to keep the beard well-combed and in neat trim4 ,as to whiskers1 it is not every man who can achieve a pair of full length4 ,there is certainly a great vanity about them1 but it may be generally said that foppishness should be avoided in this as in most other points4 ,above all1 the whiskers should never be curled1 nor pulled out to an absurd length4 ,still worse is it to cut them close with the scissors4 ,the moustache should be neat and not too large1 and such fopperies as cutting the points thereof1 or twisting them up to the fineness of needles--though patronized by the ,emperor of the ,french--are decidedly a proof of vanity4 ,if a man wear the hair on his face which nature has given him1 in the manner that nature distributes it1 keeps it clean1 and prevents its overgrowth1 he cannot do wrong4 ,all extravagances are vulgar1 because they are evidence of a pretence to being better than you are2 but a single extravagance unsupported is perhaps worse than a number together1 which have at least the merit of consistency4 ,if you copy puppies in the half-yard of whisker1 you should have their dress and their manner too1 if you would not appear doubly absurd4 ,the same remarks apply to the arrangement of the hair in men1 which should be as simple and as natural as possible1 but at the same time a little may be granted to beauty and the requirements of the face4 ,for my part ,i can see nothing unmanly in wearing long hair1 though undoubtedly it is inconvenient and a temptation to vanity1 while its arrangement would demand an amount of time and attention which is unworthy of a man4 ,but every nation and every age has had a different custom in this respect1 and to this day even in ,europe the hair is sometimes worn long4 ,the ,german student is particularly partial to hyacinthine locks curling over a black velvet coat2 and the peasant of ,brittany looks very handsome1 if not always clean1 with his love-locks hanging straight down under a broad cavalier hat4 ,religion has generally taken up the matter severely4 ,the old fathers preached and railed against wigs1 the ,calvinists raised an insurrection in ,bordeaux on the same account1 and ,english ,roundheads consigned to an unmentionable place every man who allowed his hair to grow according to nature4 ,the ,romans condemned tresses as unmanly1 and in ,france in the middle ages the privilege to wear them was confined to royalty4 ,our modern custom was a revival of the ,french revolution1 so that in this respect we are now republican as well as puritanical4 ,if we conform to fashion we should at least make the best of it1 and since the main advantage of short hair is its neatness1 we should take care to keep ours neat4 ,this should be done first by frequent visits to the barber1 for if the hair is to be short at all it should be very short1 and nothing looks more untidy than long1 stiff1 uncurled masses sticking out over the ears4 ,if it curls naturally so much the better1 but if not it will be easier to keep in order4 ,the next point is to wash the head every morning1 which1 when once habitual1 is a great preservative against cold4 ,a pair of large brushes1 hard or soft1 as your case requires1 should be used1 not to hammer the head with1 but to pass up under the hair so as to reach the roots4 ,as to pomatum1 ,macassar1 and other inventions of the hair-dresser1 ,i have only to say that1 if used at all1 it should be in moderation1 and never sufficiently to make their scent perceptible in company4 ,of course the arrangement will be a matter of individual taste1 but as the middle of the hair is the natural place for a parting1 it is rather a silly prejudice to think a man vain who parts his hair in the centre4 ,he is less blamable than one who is too lazy to part it at all1 and has always the appearance of having just got up4 ,of wigs and false hair1 the subject of satires and sermons since the days of the ,roman ,emperors1 ,i shall say nothing here except that they are a practical falsehood which may sometimes be necessary1 but is rarely successful4 ,for my part ,i prefer the snows of life's winter to the best made peruke1 and even a bald head to an inferior wig4 ,when gentlemen wore armor1 and disdained the use of their legs1 an esquire was a necessity2 and we can understand that1 in the days of the ,beaux1 the word gentleman meant a man and his valet4 ,i am glad to say that in the present day it only takes one man to make a gentleman1 or1 at most1 a man and a ninth--that is1 including the tailor4 ,it is an excellent thing for the character to be neat and orderly1 and1 if a man neglects to be so in his room1 he is open to the same temptation sooner or later in his person4 ,a dressing-case is1 therefore1 a desideratum4 ,a closet to hang up cloth clothes1 which should never be folded1 and a small dressing-room next to the bed-room1 are not so easily attainable4 ,but the man who throws his clothes about the room1 a boot in one corner1 a cravat in another1 and his brushes anywhere1 is not a man of good habits4 ,the spirit of order should extend to everything about him4 ,this brings me to speak of certain necessities of dress2 the first of which ,i shall take is appropriateness4 ,the age of the individual is an important consideration in this respect2 and a man of sixty is as absurd in the style of nineteen as a young man in the high cravat of ,brummell's day4 ,i know a gallant colonel who is master of the ceremonies in a gay watering-place1 and who1 afraid of the prim old-fashioned tournure of his confrres in similar localities1 is to be seen1 though his hair is gray and his age not under five-and-sixty1 in a light cut-away1 the 'peg-top' continuations1 and a turned-down collar4 ,it may be what younger blades will wear when they reach his age1 but in the present day the effect is ridiculous4 ,we may1 therefore1 give as a general rule1 that after the turning-point of life a man should eschew the changes of fashion in his own attire1 while he avoids complaining of it in the young4 ,in the latter1 on the other hand1 the observance of these changes must depend partly on his taste and partly on his position4 ,if wise1 he will adopt with alacrity any new fashions which improve the grace1 the ease1 the healthfulness1 and the convenience of his garments4 ,he will be glad of greater freedom in the cut of his cloth clothes1 of boots with elastic sides instead of troublesome buttons or laces1 of the privilege to turn down his collar1 and so forth1 while he will avoid as extravagant1 elaborate shirt-fronts1 gold bindings on the waistcoat1 and expensive buttons4 ,on the other hand1 whatever his age1 he will have some respect to his profession and position in society4 ,he will remember how much the appearance of the man aids a judgment of his character1 and this test1 which has often been cried down1 is in reality no bad one2 for a man who does not dress appropriately evinces a want of what is most necessary to professional men--tact and discretion4 ,position in society demands appropriateness4 ,well knowing the worldly value of a good coat1 ,i would yet never recommend a man of limited means to aspire to a fashionable appearance4 ,in the first place1 he becomes thereby a walking falsehood2 in the second1 he cannot1 without running into debt1 which is another term for dishonesty1 maintain the style he has adopted4 ,as he cannot afford to change his suits as rapidly as fashion alters1 he must avoid following it in varying details4 ,he will rush into wide sleeves one month1 in the hope of being fashionable1 and before his coat is worn out1 the next month will bring in a narrow sleeve4 ,we cannot1 unfortunately1 like ,samuel ,pepys1 take a long cloak now-a-days to the tailor's1 to be cut into a short one1 'long cloaks being now quite out1' as he tells us4 ,even when there is no poverty in the case1 our position must not be forgotten4 ,the tradesman will win neither customers nor friends by adorning himself in the mode of the club-lounger1 and the clerk1 or commercial traveler1 who dresses fashionably1 lays himself open to inquiries as to his antecedents1 which he may not care to have investigated4 ,in general1 it may be said that there is vulgarity in dressing like those of a class above us1 since it must be taken as a proof of pretension4 ,as it is bad taste to flaunt the airs of the town among the provincials1 who know nothing of them1 it is worse taste to display the dress of a city in the quiet haunts of the rustics4 ,the law1 that all attempts at distinction by means of dress is vulgar and pretentious1 would be sufficient argument against wearing city fashions in the country4 ,while in most cases a rougher and easier mode of dress is both admissible and desirable in the country1 there are many occasions of country visiting where a town man finds it difficult to decide4 ,it is almost peculiar to the country to unite the amusements of the daytime with those of the evening2 of the open air with those of the drawing-room4 ,thus1 in the summer1 when the days are long1 you will be asked to a pic-nic or an archery party1 which will wind up with dancing in-doors1 and may even assume the character of a ball4 ,if you are aware of this beforehand1 it will always be safe to send your evening dress to your host's house1 and you will learn from the servants whether others have done the same1 and whether1 therefore1 you will not be singular in asking leave to change your costume4 ,but if you are ignorant how the day is to end1 you must be guided partly by the hour of invitation1 and partly by the extent of your intimacy with the family4 ,i have actually known gentlemen arrive at a large pic-nic at mid-day in complete evening dress1 and pitied them with all my heart1 compelled as they were to suffer1 in tight black clothes1 under a hot sun for eight hours1 and dance after all in the same dress4 ,on the other hand1 if you are asked to come an hour or two before sunset1 after six in summer1 in the autumn after five1 you cannot err by appearing in evening dress4 ,it is always taken as a compliment to do so1 and if your acquaintance with your hostess is slight1 it would be almost a familiarity to do otherwise4 ,in any case you desire to avoid singularity1 so that if you can discover what others who are invited intend to wear1 you can always decide on your own attire4 ,in ,europe there is a convenient rule for these matters2 never appear after four in the afternoon in morning dress2 but then gray trousers are there allowed instead of black1 and white waistcoats are still worn in the evening4 ,at any rate1 it is possible to effect a compromise between the two styles of costume1 and if you are likely to be called upon to dance in the evening1 it will be well to wear thin boots1 a black frock-coat1 and a small black neck-tie1 and to put a pair of clean white gloves in your pocket4 ,you will thus be at least less conspicuous in the dancing-room than in a light tweed suit4 ,not so the distinction to be made according to size4 ,as a rule1 tall men require long clothes--some few perhaps even in the nurse's sense of those words--and short men short clothes4 ,on the other hand1 ,falstaff should beware of ,jenny ,wren coats and affect ample wrappers1 while ,peter ,schlemihl1 and the whole race of thin men1 must eschew looseness as much in their garments as their morals4 ,lastly we come to what is appropriate to different occasions1 and as this is an important subject1 ,i shall treat of it separately4 ,for the present it is sufficient to point out that1 while every man should avoid not only extravagance1 but even brilliance of dress on ordinary occasions1 there are some on which he may and ought to pay more attention to his toilet1 and attempt to look gay4 ,of course1 the evenings are not here meant4 ,for evening dress there is a fixed rule1 from which we can depart only to be foppish or vulgar2 but in morning dress there is greater liberty1 and when we undertake to mingle with those who are assembled avowedly for gayety1 we should not make ourselves remarkable by the dinginess of our dress4 ,such occasions are open air entertainments1 ftes1 flower-shows1 archery-meetings1 matines1 and id genus omne1 where much of the pleasure to be derived depends on the general effect on the enjoyers1 and where1 if we cannot pump up a look of mirth1 we should1 at least1 if we go at all1 wear the semblance of it in our dress4 ,i have a worthy little friend1 who1 ,i believe1 is as well disposed to his kind as ,lord ,shaftesbury himself1 but who1 for some reason1 perhaps a twinge of philosophy about him1 frequents the gay meetings to which he is asked in an old coat and a wide-awake4 ,some people take him for a wit1 but he soon shows that he does not aspire to that character2 others for a philosopher1 but he is too good-mannered for that2 others1 poor man6 pronounce him a cynic1 and all are agreed that whatever he may be1 he looks out of place1 and spoils the general effect4 ,i believe1 in my heart1 that he is the mildest of men1 but will not take the trouble to dress more than once a day4 ,at any rate1 he has a character for eccentricity1 which1 ,i am sure1 is precisely what he would wish to avoid4 ,that character is a most delightful one for a bachelor1 and it is generally ,coelebs who holds it1 for it has been proved by statistics that there are four single to one married man among the inhabitants of our madhouses2 but eccentricity yields a reputation which requires something to uphold it1 and even in ,diogenes of the ,tub it was extremely bad taste to force himself into ,plato's evening party without sandals1 and nothing but a dirty tunic on him4 ,another requisite in dress is its simplicity1 with which ,i may couple harmony of color4 ,this simplicity is the only distinction which a man of taste should aspire to in the matter of dress1 but a simplicity in appearance must proceed from a nicety in reality4 ,one should not be simply ill-dressed1 but simply well-dressed4 ,lord ,castlereagh would never have been pronounced the most distinguished man in the gay court of ,vienna1 because he wore no orders or ribbons among hundreds decorated with a profusion of those vanities1 but because besides this he was dressed with taste4 ,the charm of ,brummell's dress was its simplicity2 yet it cost him as much thought1 time1 and care as the portfolio of a minister4 ,the rules of simplicity1 therefore1 are the rules of taste4 ,all extravagance1 all splendor1 and all profusion must be avoided4 ,the colors1 in the first place1 must harmonize both with our complexion and with one another2 perhaps most of all with the color of our hair4 ,all bright colors should be avoided1 such as red1 yellow1 sky-blue1 and bright green4 ,perhaps only a successful ,australian gold digger would think of choosing such colors for his coat1 waistcoat1 or trousers2 but there are hundreds of young men who might select them for their gloves and neck-ties4 ,the deeper colors are1 some how or other1 more manly1 and are certainly less striking4 ,the same simplicity should be studied in the avoidance of ornamentation4 ,a few years ago it was the fashion to trim the evening waistcoat with a border of gold lace4 ,this is an example of fashions always to be rebelled against4 ,then1 too1 extravagance in the form of our dress is a sin against taste4 ,i remember that long ribbons took the place of neck-ties some years ago4 ,at a commemoration1 two friends of mine determined to cut a figure in this matter1 having little else to distinguish them4 ,the one wore two yards of bright pink2 the other the same quantity of bright blue ribbon1 round their necks4 ,i have reason to believe they think now that they both looked superbly ridiculous4 ,in the same way1 if the trousers are worn wide1 we should not wear them as loose as a ,turk's2 or1 if the sleeves are to be open1 we should not rival the ladies in this matter4 ,and so on through a hundred details1 generally remembering that to exaggerate a fashion is to assume a character1 and therefore vulgar4 ,the wearing of jewelry comes under this head4 ,jewels are an ornament to women1 but a blemish to men4 ,they bespeak either effeminacy or a love of display4 ,the hand of a man is honored in working1 for labor is his mission2 and the hand that wears its riches on its fingers1 has rarely worked honestly to win them4 ,the best jewel a man can wear is his honor4 ,let that be bright and shining1 well set in prudence1 and all others must darken before it4 ,but as we are savages1 and must have some silly trickery to hang about us1 a little1 but very little concession may be made to our taste in this respect4 ,i am quite serious when ,i disadvise you from the use of nose-rings1 gold anklets1 and hat-bands studded with jewels2 for when ,i see an incredulous young man of the nineteenth century1 dangling from his watch-chain a dozen silly 'charms' 7often the only ones he possesses71 which have no other use than to give a fair coquette a legitimate subject on which to approach to closer intimacy1 and which are revived from the lowest superstitions of dark ages1 and sometimes darker races1 ,i am quite justified in believing that some ,south ,african chieftain1 sufficiently rich to cut a dash1 might introduce with success the most peculiar fashions of his own country4 ,however this may be1 there are already sufficient extravagances prevalent among our young men to attack4 ,the man of good taste will wear as little jewelry as possible4 ,one handsome signet-ring on the little finger of the left hand1 a scarf-pin which is neither large1 nor showy1 nor too intricate in its design1 and a light1 rather thin watch-guard with a cross-bar1 are all that he ought to wear4 ,but1 if he aspires to more than this1 he should observe the following rules3-- #a4 ,let everything be real and good4 ,false jewelry is not only a practical lie1 but an absolute vulgarity1 since its use arises from an attempt to appear richer or grander than its wearer is4 #b4 ,let it be simple4 ,elaborate studs1 waistcoat-buttons1 and wrist-links1 are all abominable4 ,the last1 particularly1 should be as plain as possible1 consisting of plain gold ovals1 with1 at most1 the crest engraved upon them4 ,diamonds and brilliants are quite unsuitable to men1 whose jewelry should never be conspicuous4 ,if you happen to possess a single diamond of great value you may wear it on great occasions as a ring1 but no more than one ring should ever be worn by a gentleman4 #c4 ,let it be distinguished rather by its curiosity than its brilliance4 ,an antique or bit of old jewelry possesses more interest1 particularly if you are able to tell its history1 than the most splendid production of the goldsmith's shop4 #d4 ,let it harmonize with the colors of your dress4 #e4 ,let it have some use4 ,men should never1 like women1 wear jewels for mere ornament1 whatever may be the fashion of ,hungarian noblemen1 and deposed ,indian rajahs with jackets covered with rubies4 ,the precious stones are reserved for ladies1 and even our scarf-pins are more suitable without them4 ,the dress that is both appropriate and simple can never offend1 nor render its wearer conspicuous1 though it may distinguish him for his good taste4 ,but it will not be pleasing unless clean and fresh4 ,we cannot quarrel with a poor gentleman's thread-bare coat1 if his linen be pure1 and we see that he has never attempted to dress beyond his means or unsuitably to his station4 ,but the sight of decayed gentility and dilapidated fashion may call forth our pity1 and1 at the same time prompt a moral3 ',you have evidently sunken2' we say to ourselves2 ',but whose fault was it8 ,am ,i not led to suppose that the extravagance which you evidently once revelled in has brought you to what ,i now see you8' ,while freshness is essential to being well-dressed1 it will be a consolation to those who cannot afford a heavy tailor's bill1 to reflect that a visible newness in one's clothes is as bad as patches and darns1 and to remember that there have been celebrated dressers who would never put on a new coat till it had been worn two or three times by their valets4 ,on the other hand1 there is no excuse for untidiness1 holes in the boots1 a broken hat1 torn gloves1 and so on4 ,indeed1 it is better to wear no gloves at all than a pair full of holes4 ,there is nothing to be ashamed of in bare hands1 if they are clean1 and the poor can still afford to have their shirts and shoes mended1 and their hats ironed4 ,it is certainly better to show signs of neatness than the reverse1 and you need sooner be ashamed of a hole than a darn4 ,of personal cleanliness ,i have spoken at such length that little need be said on that of the clothes4 ,if you are economical with your tailor1 you can be extravagant with your laundress4 ,the beaux of forty years back put on three shirts a day1 but except in hot weather one is sufficient4 ,of course1 if you change your dress in the evening you must change your shirt too4 ,there has been a great outcry against colored flannel shirts in the place of linen1 and the man who can wear one for three days is looked on as little better than ,st4 ,simeon ,stylites4 ,i should like to know how often the advocates of linen change their own under-flannel1 and whether the same rule does not apply to what is seen as to what is concealed4 ,but while the flannel is perhaps healthier as absorbing the moisture more rapidly1 the linen has the advantage of looking cleaner1 and may therefore be preferred4 ,as to economy1 if the flannel costs less to wash1 it also wears out sooner2 but1 be this as it may1 a man's wardrobe is not complete without half a dozen or so of these shirts1 which he will find most useful1 and ten times more comfortable than linen in long excursions1 or when exertion will be required4 ,flannel1 too1 has the advantage of being warm in winter and cool in summer1 for1 being a non-conductor1 but a retainer of heat1 it protects the body from the sun1 and1 on the other hand1 shields it from the cold4 ,but the best shirt of all1 particularly in winter1 is that which wily monks and hermits pretended to wear for a penance1 well knowing that they could have no garment cooler1 more comfortable1 or more healthy4 ,i mean1 of course1 the rough hair-shirt4 ,like flannel1 it is a non-conductor of heat2 but then1 too1 it acts the part of a shampooer1 and with its perpetual friction soothes the surface of the skin1 and prevents the circulation from being arrested at any one point of the body4 ,though ,i doubt if any of my readers will take a hint from the wisdom of the merry anchorites1 they will perhaps allow me to suggest that the next best thing to wear next the skin is flannel1 and that too of the coarsest description4 ,quantity is better than quality in linen4 ,nevertheless it should be fine and well spun4 ,the loose cuff1 which we borrowed from the ,french some four years ago1 is a great improvement on the old tight wrist-band1 and1 indeed1 it must be borne in mind that anything which binds any part of the body tightly impedes the circulation1 and is therefore unhealthy as well as ungraceful4 ,the necessity for a large stock of linen depends on a rule far better than ,brummell's1 of three shirts a day1 viz3-- ,change your linen whenever it is at all dirty4 ,this is the best guide with regard to collars1 socks1 pocket-handkerchiefs1 and our under garments4 ,no rule can be laid down for the number we should wear per week1 for everything depends on circumstances4 ,thus in the country all our linen remains longer clean than in town2 in dirty1 wet1 or dusty weather1 our socks get soon dirty and must be changed2 or1 if we have a cold1 to say nothing of the possible but not probable case of tear-shedding on the departure of friends1 we shall want more than one pocket-handkerchief per diem4 ,in fact1 the last article of modern civilization is put to so many uses1 is so much displayed1 and liable to be called into action on so many various engagements1 that we should always have a clean one in our pockets4 ,who knows when it may not serve us is in good stead8 ,who can tell how often the corner of the delicate cambric will have to represent a tear which1 like difficult passages in novels is 'left to the imagination4' ,can a man of any feeling call on a disconsolate widow1 for instance1 and listen to her woes1 without at least pulling out that expressive appendage8 ,can any one believe in our sympathy if the article in question is a dirty one8 ,there are some people who1 like the clouds1 only exist to weep2 and ,king ,solomon1 though not one of them1 has given them great encouragement in speaking of the house of mourning4 ,we are bound to weep with them1 and we are bound to weep elegantly4 ,a man whose dress is neat1 clean1 simple1 and appropriate1 will pass muster anywhere4 ,a well-dressed man does not require so much an extensive as a varied wardrobe4 ,he wants a different costume for every season and every occasion2 but if what he selects is simple rather than striking1 he may appear in the same clothes as often as he likes1 as long as they are fresh and appropriate to the season and the object4 ,there are four kinds of coats which he must have3 a morning-coat1 a frock-coat1 a dress-coat1 and an over-coat4 ,an economical man may do well with four of the first1 and one of each of the others per annum4 ,the dress of a gentleman in the present day should not cost him more than the tenth part of his income on an average4 ,but as fortunes vary more than position1 if his income is large it will take a much smaller proportion1 if small a larger one4 ,if a man1 however1 mixes in society1 and ,i write for those who do so1 there are some things which are indispensable to even the proper dressing1 and every occasion will have its proper attire4 ,in his own house then1 and in the morning1 there is no reason why he should not wear out his old clothes4 ,some men take to the delightful ease of a dressing-gown and slippers2 and if bachelors1 they do well4 ,if family men1 it will probably depend on whether the lady or the gentleman wears the pantaloons4 ,the best walking-dress for a non-professional man is a suit of tweed of the same color1 ordinary boots1 gloves not too dark for the coat1 a scarf with a pin in winter1 or a small tie of one color in summer1 a respectable black hat and a cane4 ,the last item is perhaps the most important1 and though its use varies with fashion1 ,i confess ,i am sorry when ,i see it go out4 ,the best substitute for a walking-stick is an umbrella1 not a parasol unless it be given you by a lady to carry4 ,the main point of the walking-dress is the harmony of colors1 but this should not be carried to the extent of ,m4 de ,maltzan1 who some years ago made a bet to wear nothing but pink at ,baden-,baden for a whole year1 and had boots and gloves of the same lively hue4 ,he won his wager1 but also the soubriquet of ',le ,diable enflamm4' ,the walking-dress should vary according to the place and hour4 ,in the country or at the sea-side a straw hat or wide-awake may take the place of the beaver1 and the nuisance of gloves be even dispensed with in the former4 ,but in the city where a man is supposed to make visits as well as lounge in the street1 the frock coat of very dark blue or black1 or a black cloth cut-away1 the white waistcoat1 and lavender gloves1 are almost indispensable4 ,very thin boots should be avoided at all times1 and whatever clothes one wears they should be well brushed4 ,the shirt1 whether seen or not1 should be quite plain4 ,the shirt collar should never have a color on it1 but it may be stiff or turned down according as the wearer is ,byronically or ,brummellically disposed4 ,the scarf1 if simple and of modest colors1 is perhaps the best thing we can wear round the neck2 but if a neck-tie is preferred it should not be too long1 nor tied in too stiff and studied a manner4 ,the cane should be extremely simple1 a mere stick in fact1 with no gold head1 and yet for the town not rough1 thick1 or clumsy4 ,the frock-coat should be ample and loose1 and a tall well-built man may throw it back4 ,at any rate1 it should never be buttoned up4 ,great-coats should be buttoned up1 of a dark color1 not quite black1 longer than the frock-coat1 but never long enough to reach the ankles4 ,if you have visits to make you should do away with the great-coat1 if the weather allows you to do so4 ,the frock-coat1 or black cut-away1 with a white waistcoat in summer1 is the best dress for making calls in4 ,it is simple nonsense to talk of modern civilization1 and rejoice that the cruelties of the dark ages can never be perpetrated in these days and this country4 ,i maintain that they are perpetrated freely1 generally1 daily1 with the consent of the wretched victim himself1 in the compulsion to wear evening clothes4 ,is there anything at once more comfortless or more hideous8 ,let us begin with what the delicate call limb-covers1 which we are told were the invention of the ,gauls1 but ,i am inclined to think1 of a much worse race1 for it is clearly an anachronism to ascribe the discovery to a ,venetian called ,piantaleone1 and it can only have been ,inquisitors or demons who inflicted this scourge on the race of man1 and his ninth-parts1 the tailors1 for ,i take it that both are equally bothered by the tight pantaloon4 ,let us pause awhile over this unsightly garment1 and console ourselves with the reflection that as every country1 and almost every year1 has a different fashion in its make of it1 we may at last be emancipated from it altogether1 or at least be able to wear it la ,turque4 ,but it is not all trousers that ,i rebel against4 ,if ,i might wear linen appendices in summer1 and fur continuations in winter1 ,i would not groan1 but it is the evening-dress that inflicts on the man who likes society the necessity of wearing the same trying cloth all the year round1 so that under ,boreas he catches colds1 and under the dog-star he melts4 ,this unmentionable1 but most necessary disguise of the 'human form divine1' is one that never varies in this country1 and therefore ,i must lay down the rule3-- ,for all evening wear--black cloth trousers4 ,but the tortures of evening dress do not end with our lower limbs4 ,of all the iniquities perpetrated under the ,reign of ,terror1 none has lasted so long as that of the strait-jacket1 which was palmed off on the people as a 'habit de compagnie4' ,if it were necessary to sing a hymn of praise to ,robespierre1 ,marat1 and ,co41 ,i would rather take the guillotine as my subject to extol than the swallow tail4 ,and yet we endure the stiffness1 unsightliness1 uncomfortableness1 and want of grace of the latter1 with more resignation than that with which ,charlotte ,corday put her beautiful neck into the 'trou d'enfer' of the former4 ,fortunately modern republicanism has triumphed over ancient etiquette1 and the tail-coat of to-day is looser and more easy than it was twenty years ago4 ,i can only say1 let us never strive to make it bearable1 till we have abolished it4 ,let us abjure such vulgarities as silk collars1 white silk linings1 and so forth1 which attempt to beautify this monstrosity1 as a hangman might wreathe his gallows with roses4 ,the plainer the manner in which you wear your misery1 the better4 ,then1 again1 the black waistcoat1 stiff1 tight1 and comfortless4 ,fancy ,falstaff in a ball-dress such as we now wear4 ,no amount of embroidery1 gold-trimmings1 or jewel-buttons will render such an infliction grateful to the mass4 ,the best plan is to wear thorough mourning for your wretchedness4 ,in ,france and ,america1 the cooler white waistcoat is admitted4 ,however1 as we have it1 let us make the best of it1 and not parade our misery by hideous ornamentation4 ,the only evening waistcoat for all purposes for a man of taste is one of simple black1 with the simplest possible buttons4 ,these three items never vary for dinner-party1 muffin-worry1 or ball4 ,the only distinction allowed is in the neck-tie4 ,for dinner1 the opera1 and balls1 this must be white1 and the smaller the better4 ,it should be too1 of a washable texture1 not silk1 nor netted1 nor hanging down1 nor of any foppish production1 but a simple1 white tie1 without embroidery4 ,the black tie is admitted for evening parties1 and should be equally simple4 ,the shirt-front1 which figures under the tie should be plain1 with unpretending small plaits4 ,the glove must be white1 not yellow4 ,recently1 indeed1 a fashion has sprung up of wearing lavender gloves in the evening4 ,they are economical1 and as all economy is an abomination1 must be avoided4 ,gloves should always be worn at a ball4 ,at a dinner-party in town they should be worn on entering the room1 and drawn off for dinner4 ,while1 on the one hand1 we must avoid the awkwardness of a gallant sea-captain who1 wearing no gloves at a dance1 excused himself to his partner by saying1 ',never mind1 miss1 ,i can wash my hands when ,i've done dancing1' we have no need1 in the present day1 to copy the ,roman gentleman mentioned by ,athenus1 who wore gloves at dinner that he might pick his meat from the hot dishes more rapidly than the bare-handed guests4 ,as to gloves at tea-parties and so forth1 we are generally safer with than without them4 ,if it is quite a small party1 we may leave them in our pocket1 and in the country they are scarcely expected to be worn2 but 'touch not a cat but with a glove2' you are always safer with them4 ,i must not quit this subject without assuring myself that my reader knows more about it now than he did before4 ,in fact ,i have taken one thing for granted1 viz41 that he knows what it is to be dressed1 and what undressed4 ,of course ,i do not suppose him to be in the blissful state of ignorance on the subject once enjoyed by our first parents4 ,i use the words 'dressed' and 'undressed' rather in the sense meant by a military tailor1 or a cook with reference to a salad4 ,you need not be shocked4 ,i am one of those people who wear spectacles for fear of seeing anything with the naked eye4 ,i am the soul of scrupulosity4 ,but ,i am wondering whether everybody arranges his wardrobe as our ungrammatical nurses used to do ours1 under the heads of 'best1 second-best1 third-best1' and so on1 and knows what things ought to be placed under each4 ,to be 'undressed' is to be dressed for work and ordinary occupations1 to wear a coat which you do not fear to spoil1 and a neck-tie which your ink-stand will not object to1 but your acquaintance might4 ,to be 'dressed1' on the other hand1 since by dress we show our respect for society at large1 or the persons with whom we are to mingle1 is to be clothed in the garments which the said society pronounces as suitable to particular occasions2 so that evening dress in the morning1 morning dress in the evening1 and top boots and a red coat for walking1 may all be called 'undress1' if not positively 'bad dress4' ,but there are shades of being 'dressed2' and a man is called 'little dressed1' 'well dressed1' and 'much dressed1' not according to the quantity but the quality of his coverings4 ,to be 'little dressed1' is to wear old things1 of a make that is no longer the fashion1 having no pretension to elegance1 artistic beauty1 or ornament4 ,it is also to wear lounging clothes on occasions which demand some amount of precision4 ,to be 'much dressed' is to be in the extreme of the fashion1 with bran new clothes1 jewelry1 and ornaments1 with a touch of extravagance and gaiety in your colors4 ,thus to wear patent leather boots and yellow gloves in a quiet morning stroll is to be much dressed1 and certainly does not differ immensely from being badly dressed4 ,to be 'well dressed' is the happy medium between these two1 which is not given to every one to hold1 inasmuch as good taste is rare1 and is a sine qu non thereof4 ,thus while you avoid ornament and all fastness1 you must cultivate fashion1 that is good fashion1 in the make of your clothes4 ,a man must not be made by his tailor1 but should make him1 educate him1 give him his own good taste4 ,to be well dressed is to be dressed precisely as the occasion1 place1 weather1 your height1 figure1 position1 age1 and1 remember it1 your means require4 ,it is to be clothed without peculiarity1 pretension1 or eccentricity2 without violent colors1 elaborate ornament1 or senseless fashions1 introduced1 often1 by tailors for their own profit4 ,good dressing is to wear as little jewelry as possible1 to be scrupulously neat1 clean1 and fresh1 and to carry your clothes as if you did not give them a thought4 ,then1 too1 there is a scale of honor among clothes1 which must not be forgotten4 ,thus1 a new coat is more honorable than an old one1 a cut-away or shooting-coat than a dressing-gown1 a frock-coat than a cut-away1 a dark blue frock-coat than a black frock-coat1 a tail-coat than a frock-coat4 ,there is no honor at all in a blue tail-coat1 however1 except on a gentleman of eighty1 accompanied with brass buttons and a buff waistcoat4 ,there is more honor in an old hunting-coat than in a new one1 in a uniform with a bullet hole in it than one without1 in a fustian jacket and smock-frock than in a frock-coat1 because they are types of labor1 which is far more honorable than lounging4 ,again1 light clothes are generally placed above dark ones1 because they cannot be so long worn1 and are1 therefore1 proofs of expenditure1 alias money1 which in this world is a commodity more honored than every other2 but1 on the other hand1 tasteful dress is always more honorable than that which has only cost much4 ,light gloves are more esteemed than dark ones1 and the prince of glove-colors is1 undeniably1 lavender4 ',i should say ,jones was a fast man1' said a friend to me one day1 'for he wears a white hat4' ,if this idea of my companion's be right1 fastness may be said to consist mainly in peculiarity4 ,there is certainly only one step from the sublimity of fastness to the ridiculousness of snobbery1 and it is not always easy to say where the one ends and the other begins4 ,a dandy1 on the other hand1 is the clothes on a man1 not a man in clothes1 a living lay figure who displays much dress1 and is quite satisfied if you praise it without taking heed of him4 ,a bear is in the opposite extreme2 never dressed enough1 and always very roughly2 but he is almost as bad as the other1 for he sacrifices everything to his ease and comfort4 ,the off-hand style of dress only suits an off-hand character4 ,it was1 at one time1 the fashion to affect a certain negligence1 which was called poetic1 and supposed to be the result of genius4 ,an ill-tied1 if not positively untied cravat was a sure sign of an unbridled imagination2 and a waistcoat was held together by one button only1 as if the swelling soul in the wearer's bosom had burst all the rest4 ,if1 in addition to this1 the hair was unbrushed and curly1 you were certain of passing for a 'man of soul4' ,i should not recommend any young gentleman to adopt this style1 unless1 indeed1 he can mouth a great deal1 and has a good stock of quotations from the poets4 ,it is of no use to show me the clouds1 unless ,i can positively see you in them1 and no amount of negligence in your dress and person will convince me you are a genius1 unless you produce an octavo volume of poems published by yourself4 ,i confess ,i am glad that the nglig style1 so common in novels of ten years back1 has been succeeded by neatness4 ,what we want is real ease in the clothes1 and1 for my part1 ,i should rejoice to see the ,knickerbocker style generally adopted4 ,besides the ordinary occasions treated of before1 there are several special occasions requiring a change of dress4 ,most of our sports1 together with marriage 7which some people include in sports71 come under this head4 ,now1 the less change we make the better in the present day1 particularly in the sports1 where1 if we are dressed with scrupulous accuracy1 we are liable to be subjected to a comparison between our clothes and our skill4 ,a man who wears a red coat to hunt in1 should be able to hunt1 and not sneak through gates or dodge over gaps4 ,a few remarks on dresses worn in different sports may be useful4 ,having laid down the rule that a strict accuracy of sporting costume is no longer in good taste1 we can dismiss shooting and fishing at once1 with the warning that we must not dress well for either4 ,an old coat with large pockets1 gaiters in one case1 and1 if necessary1 large boots in the other1 thick shoes at any rate1 a wide-awake1 and a well-filled bag or basket at the end of the day1 make up a most respectable sportsman of the lesser kind4 ,then for cricket you want nothing more unusual than flannel trousers1 which should be quite plain1 unless your club has adopted some colored stripe thereon1 a colored flannel shirt of no very violent hue1 the same colored cap1 shoes with spikes in them1 and a great coat4 ,for hunting1 lastly1 you have to make more change1 if only to insure your own comfort and safety4 ,thus cord-breeches and some kind of boots are indispensable4 ,so are spurs1 so a hunting-whip or crop2 so too1 if you do not wear a hat1 is the strong round cap that is to save your valuable skull from cracking if you are thrown on your head4 ,again1 ,i should pity the man who would attempt to hunt in a frock-coat or a dress-coat2 and a scarf with a pin in it is much more convenient than a tie4 ,but beyond these you need nothing out of the common way1 but a pocketful of money4 ,the red coat1 for instance1 is only worn by regular members of a hunt1 and boys who ride over the hounds and like to display their 'pinks4' ,in any case you are better with an ordinary riding-coat of dark color1 though undoubtedly the red is prettier in the field4 ,if you will wear the latter1 see that it is cut square1 for the swallow-tail is obsolete1 and worn only by the fine old boys who 'hunted1 sir1 fifty years ago1 sir1 when ,i was a boy of fifteen1 sir4 ,those were hunting days1 sir2 such runs and such leaps4' ,again1 your 'cords' should be light in color and fine in quality2 your waistcoat1 if with a red coat1 quite light too2 your scarf of cashmere1 of a buff color1 and fastened with a small simple gold pin2 your hat should be old1 and your cap of dark green or black velvet1 plated inside1 and with a small stiff peak1 should be made to look old4 ,lastly1 for a choice of boots4 ,the ,hessians are more easily cleaned1 and therefore less expensive to keep2 the 'tops' are more natty4 ,brummell1 who cared more for the hunting-dress than the hunting itself1 introduced the fashion of pipe-claying the tops of the latter1 but the old original 'mahoganies1' of which the upper leathers are simply polished1 seem to be coming into fashion again4 ,,chapter ,,viii4 ,,manly ,,exercises4 ,bodily exercise is one of the most important means provided by nature for the maintenance of health1 and in order to prove the advantages of exercise1 we must show what is to be exercised1 why exercise is necessary1 and the various modes in which it may be taken4 ,the human body may be regarded as a wonderful machine1 the various parts of which are so wonderfully adapted to each other1 that if one be disturbed all must suffer4 ,the bones and muscles are the parts of the human frame on which motion depends4 ,there are four hundred muscles in the body2 each one has certain functions to perform1 which cannot be disturbed without danger to the whole4 ,they assist the tendons in keeping the bones in their places1 and put them in motion4 ,whether we walk or run1 sit or stoop1 bend the arm or head1 or chew our food1 we may be said to open and shut a number of hinges1 or ball and socket joints4 ,and it is a wise provision of nature1 that1 to a certain extent1 the more the muscles are exercised1 the stronger do they become2 hence it is that laborers and artisans are stronger and more muscular than those persons whose lives are passed in easy occupations or professional duties4 ,besides strengthening the limbs1 muscular exercise has a most beneficial influence on respiration and the circulation of the blood4 ,the larger blood-vessels are generally placed deep among the muscles1 consequently when the latter are put into motion1 the blood is driven through the arteries and veins with much greater rapidity than when there is no exercise2 it is more completely purified1 as the action of the insensible perspiration is promoted1 which relieves the blood of many irritating matters1 chiefly carbonic acid and certain salts1 taken up in its passage through the system1 and a feeling of lightness and cheerfulness is diffused over body and mind4 ,we have said that a good state of health depends in a great measure on the proper exercise of all the muscles4 ,but on looking at the greater portion of our industrial population1--artisans and workers in factories generally--we find them1 in numerous instances1 standing or sitting in forced or unnatural positions1 using only a few of their muscles1 while the others remain1 comparatively speaking1 unused or inactive4 ,sawyers1 filers1 tailors1 and many others may be easily recognized as they walk the streets1 by the awkward movement and bearing impressed upon them by long habit4 ,the stooping position especially tells most fatally upon the health2 weavers1 shoemakers1 and cotton-spinners have generally a sallow and sickly appearance1 very different from that of those whose occupation does not require them to stoop1 or to remain long in a hurtful posture4 ,their common affections are indigestion and dull headache1 with giddiness especially during summer4 ,they attribute their complaints to two causes1 one of which is the posture of the body1 bent for twelve or thirteen hours a day1 the other the heat of the working-room4 ,besides the trades above enumerated1 there are many others productive of similar evils by the position into which they compel workmen1 or by the close and confined places in which they are carried on2 and others1 again1 in their very natures injurious4 ,plumbers and painters suffer from the noxious materials which they are constantly using1 grinders and filers from dust1 and bakers from extremes of temperature and irregular hours4 ,wherever there is physical depression1 there is a disposition to resort to injurious stimulants2 and the time of relief from work is generally spent1 not in invigorating the animal frame1 but in aggravating complaints1 and converting functional into organic disease4 ,but there are others who suffer from artificial poisons and defective exercise as well as artisans and operatives--the numerous class of shopkeepers2 the author above quoted says1 ,week after week passes without affording them one pure inspiration4 ,often1 also1 they have not exercise even in the open air of the town2 a furlong's walk to church on ,sunday being the extent of their rambles4 ,when they have the opportunity they want the inclination for exercise4 ,the father is anxious about his trade or his family1 the mother is solicitous about her children4 ,each has little taste for recreation or amusement4 ,the various disorders1 generally known under the name of indigestion1 disorders dependant on a want of circulation of blood through the bowels1 biliary derangements1 and headache1 are well known to be the general attendants on trade1 closely pursued4 ,indeed1 in almost every individual1 this absorbing principle produces one or other of the various maladies to which ,i have alluded4 ,the great remedy for the evils here pointed out is bodily exercise1 of some kind1 every day1 and as much as possible in the open air4 ,an opinion prevails that an occasional walk is sufficient to maintain the balance of health2 but if the intervals of inaction be too long1 the good effect of one walk is lost before another is taken4 ,regularity and sufficiency are to be as much regarded in exercise as in eating or sleeping4 ,sir ,james ,clark says1 that the exercise which is to benefit the system generally1 must be in the open air1 and extend to the whole muscular system4 ,without regular exercise out of doors1 no young person can continue long healthy2 and it is the duty of parents in fixing their children at boarding schools to ascertain that sufficient time is occupied daily in this way4 ,they may be assured that attention to this circumstance is quite as essential to the moral and physical health of their children1 as any branch of education which they may be taught4 ,exercise1 however1 must be regulated by certain rules1 the principal of which is1 to avoid carrying it to excess--to proportion it always to the state of health and habit of the individual4 ,persons of short breath predisposed to determination of blood to the head1 subject to palpitation of the heart1 or general weakness1 are not to believe that a course of severe exercise will do them good2 on the contrary1 many serious results often follow over-fatigue4 ,for the same reason it is desirable to avoid active exertion immediately after a full meal1 as the foundation of heart diseases is sometimes laid by leaping or running after eating4 ,the great object should be so to blend exercise and repose1 as to ensure the highest possible amount of bodily vigor4 ,it must be recollected that exhausted muscles can be restored only by the most perfect rest4 ,in the next place1 it is a mistake to consider the labor of the day as equivalent to exercise4 ,work1 generally speaking1 is a mere routine process1 carried on with but little variety of circumstances1 in a confined atmosphere1 and in a temperature frequently more exhaustive than restorative4 ,the workman requires something more than this to keep him in health2 he must have exercise as often as possible in the open air1--in fields1 parks1 or pleasure grounds2 but if these are not at his command1 the streets of the town are always open to him1 and a walk in these is better than no walk at all4 ,the mere change of scene is beneficial1 and in walking he generally sets in motion a different set of muscles from those he has used while at work4 ,to derive the greatest amount of good from exercise1 it must be combined with amusement1 and be made pleasureable and recreative4 ,this important fact ought never to be lost sight of1 since to ignorance of it alone we owe many of the evils which afflict society4 ,and it would be well if those who have been accustomed to look on social amusements as destructive of the morals of the people1 would consider how much good may be done by giving the mind a direction which1 while promotive of health1 would fill it with cheerfulness and wean it from debasing habits4 ,the character of our sports at the present time1 partake but little of the robust and boisterous spirit of our forefathers2 but with the refinement of amusements1 the opportunity for enjoying them has been grievously diminished4 ,cheering signs of a better state of things are1 however1 visible in many quarters1 and we trust that the good work will be carried on until the whole of our population shall be in possession of the means and leisure for pleasurable recreation4 ,while indulging in the recreative sports which are to restore and invigorate us1 we must be mindful of the many points of etiquette and kindness which will do much1 if properly attended to1 to promote the enjoyment of our exercise1 and we propose to review the principal exercises used among us1 and to point out in what places the delicate and gentlemanly attention to our companions will do the most to establish1 for the person who practices them1 the reputation of a polished gentleman4 ,,riding4 ,there are no amusements1 probably1 which give us so wide a scope for the rendering of attention to a friend as riding and driving4 ,accompanied1 as we may be at any time1 by timid companions1 the power to convince them1 by the management of the horse we ride1 and the watch kept at the same time on theirs1 that we are competent to act the part of companion and guardian1 will enable us to impart to them a great degree of reliance on us1 and will1 by lessening their fear do much to enhance the enjoyment of the excursion4 ,with ladies1 in particular1 a horseman cannot be too careful to display a regard for the fears of their companions1 and by a constant watch on all the horses in the cavalcade1 to show at once his ability and willingness to assist his companions4 ,there are few persons1 comparatively speaking1 even among those who ride often1 who can properly assist a lady in mounting her horse4 ,an over-anxiety to help a lady as gracefully as possible1 generally results in a nervous trembling effort which is exceedingly disagreeable to the lady1 and1 at the same time1 dangerous2 for were the horse to shy or start1 he could not be so easily quieted by a nervous man as by one who was perfectly cool4 ,in the mount the lady must gather her skirt into her left hand1 and stand close to the horse1 her face toward his head1 and her right hand resting on the pommel4 ,the gentleman1 having asked permission to assist her1 stands at the horse's shoulder1 facing the lady1 and stooping low1 he places his right hand at a proper elevation from the ground4 ,the lady then places her left foot on the gentleman's palm1 and as he raises his hand she springs slightly on her right foot1 and thus reaches the saddle4 ,the gentleman must not jerk his hand upward1 but lift it with a gentle motion4 ,this method of mounting is preferable to a step or horse-block4 ,keep a firm hand1 for a sinking foot-hold will diminish the confidence of a lady in her escort1 and1 in many cases cause her unnecessary alarm while mounting4 ,to any one who is likely to be called on to act as cavalier to ladies in horse-back excursions1 we would recommend the following practice3 ,saddle a horse with a side saddle1 and ask a gentleman friend to put on the skirt of a lady's habit1 and with him1 practice the mounting and dismounting until you have thoroughly conquered any difficulties you may have experienced at first4 ,after the seat is first taken by the lady1 the gentleman should always stand at the side of the lady's horse until she is firmly fixed in the saddle1 has a good foot-hold on the stirrup1 and has the reins and whip well in hand4 ,having ascertained that his companion is firmly and comfortably fixed in the saddle1 the gentleman should mount his horse and take his riding position on the right or off side of the lady's horse1 so that1 in case of the horse's shying in such a way as to bring him against the other horse1 the lady will suffer no inconvenience4 ,in riding with two ladies there are two rules in regard to the gentleman's position4 ,if both ladies are good riders1 they should ride side by side1 the ladies to the left2 but1 if the contrary should be the case1 the gentleman should ride between the ladies in order to be ready in a moment to assist either in case of one of the horses becoming difficult to manage4 ,before allowing a lady to mount1 the entire furniture of her horse should be carefully examined by her escort4 ,the saddle and girths should be tested to see if they are firm1 the stirrup leather examined1 in case of the tongue of the buckle being in danger of slipping out by not being well buckled at first1 and most particularly the bridle1 curb1 headstall1 and reins should be carefully and thoroughly examined1 for on them depends the entire control of the horse4 ,these examinations should never be left to the stablehelps1 as the continual harnessing of horses by them often leads to a loose and careless way of attending to such matters1 which1 though seemingly trivial1 may lead to serious consequences4 ,on the road1 the constant care of the gentleman should be to render the ride agreeable to his companion1 by the pointing out of objects of interest with which she may not be acquainted1 the reference to any peculiar beauty of landscape which may have escaped her notice1 and a general lively tone of conversation1 which will1 if she be timid1 draw her mind from the fancied dangers of horseback riding1 and render her excursion much more agreeable than if she be left to imagine horrors whenever her horse may prick up his ears or whisk his tail4 ,and1 while thus conversing1 keep an eye always on the lady's horse1 so that in case he should really get frightened1 you may be ready by your instruction and assistance to aid the lady in quieting his fears4 ,in dismounting you should offer your right hand to the lady's left1 and allow her to use your left as a step to dismount on1 gently declining it as soon as the lady has left her seat on the saddle1 and just before she springs4 ,many ladies spring from the saddle1 but this generally confuses the gentleman and is dangerous to the lady1 for the horse may move at the instant she springs1 which would inevitably throw her backward and might result in a serious injury4 ,,driving4 ,in the indulgence of this beautiful pastime there are many points of care and attention to be observed2 they will render to the driver himself much gratification by the confidence they will inspire in his companion1 by having the knowledge that he or she is being driven by a careful horseman1 and thus knowing that half of what danger may attend the pleasure1 is removed4 ,on reaching the door of your companion's residence1 whom we will suppose to be in this case a lady1--though the same attention may well be extended to a gentleman1--drive close to the mounting-block or curb1 and by heading your horse toward the middle of the road1 and slightly backing the wagon1 separate the fore and hind wheels on the side next the block as much as possible4 ,this gives room for the lady to ascend into the wagon without soiling her dress by rubbing against either tire1 and also gives the driver room to lean over and tuck into the wagon any part of a lady's dress that may hang out after she is seated4 ,in assisting the lady to ascend into the wagon1 the best and safest way is to tie the horse firmly to a hitching-post or tree1 and then to give to your companion the aid of both your hands2 but1 in case of there being no post to which you can make the rein fast1 the following rule may be adopted3 ,grasp the reins firmly with one hand1 and draw them just tight enough to let the horse feel that they are held1 and with the other hand assist the lady2 under no circumstances1 even with the most quiet horse1 should you place a lady in your vehicle without any hold on the horse1 for1 although many horses would stand perfectly quiet1 the whole race of them are timid1 and any sudden noise or motion may start them1 in which case the life of your companion may be endangered4 ,in the light no-top or ,york wagon1 which is now used almost entirely for pleasure drives1 the right hand cushion should always be higher by three or four inches than the left1 for it raises the person driving1 thus giving him more control1 and renders the lady's seat more comfortable and more safe4 ,it is a mistaken idea1 in driving1 that it shows a perfect horseman1 to drive fast4 ,on the contrary1 a good horseman is more careful of his horse than a poor one1 and in starting1 the horse is always allowed to go slowly for time2 as he gradually takes up a quicker pace1 and becomes warmed up2 the driver may push him even to the top of his speed for some distance1 always1 however1 allowing him to slacken his pace toward the end of his drive1 and to come to the stopping-place at a moderate gait4 ,endeavor1 by your conversation on the road1 to make the ride agreeable to your companion4 ,never try to show off your driving1 but remember1 that there is no one who drives with so much apparent ease and so little display as the professional jockey1 who1 as he devotes his life to the management of the reins1 may well be supposed to be the most thoroughly good whip4 ,in helping the lady out of the wagon1 the same rule must be observed as in the start2 namely1 to have your horse well in hand or firmly tied4 ,should your companion be a gentleman and a horseman1 the courtesy is always to offer him the reins1 though the offer1 if made to yourself by another with whom you are riding1 should always be declined2 unless1 indeed1 the horse should be particularly hard-mouthed and your friend's arms should be tired1 in which case you should relieve him4 ,be especially careful in the use of the whip1 that it may not spring back outside of the vehicle and strike your companion4 ,this rule should be particularly attended to in driving tandem or four-in-hand1 as a cut with a heavy tandem-whip is by no means a pleasant accompaniment to your drive4 ,,boxing4 ,in this much-abused accomplishment1 there would1 from the rough nature of the sport1 seem to be small room for civility2 yet1 in none of the many manly sports is there so great a scope for the exercise of politeness as in this4 ,should your adversary be your inferior in boxing1 there are many ways to teach him and encourage him in his pursuit of proficiency1 without knocking him about as if your desire was to injure him as much as possible4 ,and you will find that his gratitude for your forbearance will prompt him to exercise the same indulgence to others who are inferior to himself1 and thus by the exchange of gentlemanly civility the science of boxing is divested of one of its most objectionable points1 viz3 the danger of the combatants becoming angry and changing the sport to a brutal fight4 ,always allow your antagonist to choose his gloves from the set1 though1 if you recommend any to him1 let him take the hardest ones and you the softest2 thus he will receive the easier blows4 ,allow him the choice of ground and position1 and endeavor in every way to give him the utmost chance4 ,in this way1 even if you should be worsted in the game1 your kindness and courtesy to him will be acknowledged by any one who may be with you1 and by no one more readily than your antagonist himself4 ,these same rules apply to the art of fencing1 the most graceful and beautiful of exercises4 ,let your opponent have his choice of the foils and sword-gloves1 give him the best position for light1 and in your thrusts remember that to make a hit does not require you to force your foil as violently as you can against your antagonist's breast2 but1 that every touch will show if your foils be chalked and the one who has the most spots at the end of the encounter is the beaten man4 ,,sailing4 ,within a few years there has been a most decided movement in favor of aquatic pursuits4 ,scarcely a town can be found1 near the sea or on the bank of a river but what can either furnish a yacht or a barge4 ,in all our principal cities the navies of yachts and barges number many boats4 ,the barge clubs particularly are well-fitted with active1 healthy men1 who can appreciate the physical benefit of a few hours' work at the end of a sixteen-foot sweep1 and who prefer health and blistered hands to a life of fashionable and unhealthy amusement4 ,under the head of sailing we will give some hints of etiquette as to sailing and rowing together4 ,a gentleman will never parade his superiority in these accomplishments1 still less boast of it1 but rather1 that the others may not feel their inferiority1 he will keep considerably within his powers4 ,if a guest or a stranger be of the party1 the best place must be offered to him1 though he may be a bad oar2 but1 at the same time1 if a guest knows his inferiority in this respect1 he will1 for more reasons than one1 prefer an inferior position4 ,so1 too1 when a certain amount of exertion is required1 as in boating1 a well-bred man will offer to take the greater share1 pull the heaviest oar1 and will never shirk his work4 ,in short1 the whole rule of good manners on such occasions is not to be selfish1 and the most amiable man will therefore be the best bred4 ,it is certainly desirable that a gentleman should be able to handle an oar1 or to steer and work a yacht1 both that when he has an opportunity he may acquire health1 and that he may be able to take part in the charming excursions which are made by water4 ,one rule should apply to all these aquatic excursions1 and that is1 that the gentleman who invites the ladies1 should there be any1 and who is1 therefore1 at the trouble of getting up the party1 should always be allowed to steer the boat1 unless he decline the post1 for he has the advantage of more intimate acquaintance with the ladies1 whom he will have to entertain on the trip1 and the post of honor should be given him as a compliment to his kindness in undertaking the preliminaries4 ,,hunting4 ,gentlemen residing in the country1 and keeping a stable1 are generally ready to join the hunt club4 ,we are gradually falling into the ,english sports and pastimes4 ,cricket1 boxing1 and hunting1 are being more and more practiced every year1 and our horsemen and pugilists aspire to conquer those of ,britain1 when a few years back1 to attempt such a thing would have been considered folly4 ,in this country the organization of hunt-clubs is made as much to rid the country of the foxes as to enjoy the sport4 ,we differ much from the ,britons in our hunting2 we have often a hilly dangerous country1 with high worm and post-and-rail fences crossing it1 deep streams with precipitous sides and stony ground to ride over4 ,we hunt in cold weather when the ground is frozen hard1 and we take everything as it is1 hills1 fences1 streams1 and hedges1 risking our necks innumerable times in a hunt4 ,in ,england the hunters have a flat country1 fences which do not compare to ours in height1 and they hunt after a frost when the ground is soft4 ,our hunting field at the meet does not show the gaudy equipment and top-boots of ,england1 but the plain dress of the gentleman farmer1 sometimes a blue coat and jockey-cap1 but oftener the every-day coat and felt hat1 but the etiquette of our hunting field is more observed than in ,england4 ,there any one joins the meet1 if it is a large one1 but here no one enters the field unless acquainted with one or more of the gentlemen on the ground4 ,the rules in the hunt are few and simple4 ,never attempt to hunt unless you have a fine seat in the saddle and a good horse1 and never accept the loan of a friend's horse1 still less an enemy's1 unless you ride very well4 ,a man may forgive you for breaking his daughter's heart but never for breaking his hunter's neck4 ,another point is1 always to be quiet at a meet1 and never join one unless acquainted with some one in the field4 ,pluck1 skill1 and a good horse are essentials in hunting4 ,never talk of your achievements1 avoid enthusiastic shouting when you break cover1 and do not ride over the hounds4 ,keep a firm hand1 a quick eye1 an easy1 calm frame of mind1 and a good1 firm seat on the saddle4 ,watch the country you are going over1 be always ready to help a friend who may come to grief1 and with the rules and the quiet demeanor you will soon be a favorite in the field4 ,,skating4 ,though we may1 in the cold winter1 sigh for the return of spring breezes1 and look back with regret on the autumn sports1 or even the heat of summer1 there is yet a balm for our frozen spirits in the glorious and exhilarating sports of winter4 ,the sleigh filled with laughing female beauties and beauties1 too1 of the sterner sex1 and the merry jingle of the bells as we fly along the road or through the streets1 are delights of which ,old ,winter alone is the giver4 ,but1 pleasant as the sleigh-ride is1 the man who looks for health and exercise at all seasons1 turns from the seductive pleasures of the sleigh to the more simple enjoyment derived from the skates4 ,flying along over the glistening ice to the accompaniment of shouts of merry laughter at some novice's mishap1 and feeling that we have within us the speed of the race-horse1 the icy pleasure is1 indeed1 a good substitute for the pleasures of the other seasons4 ,so universal has skating become1 that instruction in this graceful accomplishment seems almost unnecessary2 but1 for the benefit of the rising generation who may peruse our work1 we will give1 from a well-known authority1 a few hints as to the manner of using the skates before we add our own instruction as to the etiquette of the skating ground4 ,before going on the ice1 the young skater must learn to put on the skates1 and may also learn to walk with them easily in a room1 balancing1 alternately1 on each foot4 ,a skater's dress should be as loose and unincumbered as possible4 ,all fullness of dress is exposed to the wind4 ,as the exercise of skating produces perspiration1 flannel next the chest1 shoulders1 and loins1 is necessary to avoid the evils of sudden chills in cold weather4 ,either very rough or very smooth ice should be avoided4 ,the person who1 for the first time1 attempts to skate1 must not trust to a stick4 ,he may take a friend's hand for support1 if he requires one2 but that should be soon relinquished1 in order to balance himself4 ,he will1 probably1 scramble about for half an hour or so1 till he begins to find out where the edge of his skate is4 ,the beginner must be fearless1 but not violent2 nor even in a hurry4 ,he should not let his feet get apart1 and keep his heels still nearer together4 ,he must keep the ankle of the foot on the ice quite firm2 not attempting to gain the edge of the skate by bending it1 because the right mode of getting to either edge is by the inclination of the whole body in the direction required2 and this inclination should be made fearlessly and decisively4 ,the leg which is on the ice should be kept perfectly straight2 for1 though the knee must be somewhat bent at the time of striking1 it must be straightened as quickly as possible without any jerk4 ,the leg which is off the ice should also be kept straight1 though not stiff1 having an easy but straight play1 the toe pointing downwards1 and the heel from six to twelve inches of the other4 ,the learner must not look down at the ice1 nor at his feet1 to see how they perform4 ,he may1 at first1 incline his body a little forward1 for safety1 but hold his head up1 and see where he goes1 his person erect and his face rather elevated than otherwise4 ,when once off1 he must bring both feet up together1 and strike again1 as soon as he finds himself steady enough1 rarely allowing both feet to be on the ice together4 ,the position of the arms should be easy and varied2 one being always more raised than the other1 this elevation being alternate1 and the change corresponding to that of the legs2 that is1 the right arm being raised as the right leg is put down1 and vice vers1 so that the arm and leg of the same side may not be raised together4 ,the face must be always turned in the direction of the line intended to be described4 ,hence in backward skating1 the head will be inclined much over the shoulder2 in forward skating1 but slightly4 ,all sudden and violent action must be avoided4 ,stopping may be caused by slightly bending the knees1 drawing the feet together1 inclining the body forward1 and pressing on the heels4 ,it may be also caused by turning short to the right or left1 the foot on the side to which we turn being rather more advanced1 and supporting part of the weight4,a ,a ,walker's ,manly ,exercises4 ,when on the ice1 if you should get your skates on before your companion1 always wait for him2 for1 nothing is more disagreeable than being left behind on an occasion of this kind4 ,be ready at all times when skating to render assistance to any one1 either lady or gentleman1 who may require it4 ,a gentleman may be distinguished at all times by the willingness with which he will give up his sport to render himself agreeable and kind to any one in difficulty4 ,should you have one of the skating-sleds so much used for taking ladies on the ice1 and should your own ladies1 if you are accompanied by any1 not desire to use it1 the most becoming thing you can do is to place it at the disposal of any other gentleman who has ladies with him1 and who is not provided with such a conveyance4 ,always keep to the right in meeting a person on the ice1 and always skate perfectly clear of the line in which a lady is advancing1 whether she be on skates or on foot4 ,attention to the other sex is no where more appreciated than on the ice1 where they are1 unless good skaters1 comparatively helpless4 ,be always prompt to assist in the extrication of any one who may break through the ice1 but let your zeal be tempered by discretion1 and always get a rope or ladder if possible1 in preference to going near the hole2 for there is great risk of your breaking through yourself1 and endangering your own life without being able to assist the person already submerged4 ,but should the rope or ladder not be convenient1 the best method is to lay flat on your breast on the ice1 and push yourself cautiously along until you can touch the person's hand1 and then let him climb by it out of the hole4 ,,swimming4 ,so few persons are unable to swim1 that it would be useless for us to furnish any instruction in the actual art of swimming2 but a few words on the subject of assisting others while in the water may not come amiss4 ,it is a desirable accomplishment to be able to swim in a suit of clothes4 ,this may be practiced by good swimmers1 cautiously at first1 in comparatively shallow water1 and afterwards in deeper places4 ,occasions may frequently occur where it may be necessary to plunge into the water to save a drowning person1 where the lack of time1 or the presence of ladies1 would preclude all possibility of removing the clothes4 ,there are few points of etiquette in swimming1 except those of giving all the assistance in our power to beginners1 and to remember the fact of our being gentlemen1 though the sport may be rough when we are off terra firma4 ,we shall therefore devote this section of our exercise department to giving a few general directions as to supporting drowning persons1 which support is1 after all1 the most valued attention we can render to any one4 ,if possible1 always go to save a life in company with one or two others4 ,one companion is generally sufficient1 but two will do no harm1 for1 if the service of the second be not required1 he can easily swim back to shore4 ,on reaching the object of your pursuit1 if he be clinging to anything1 caution him1 as you approach1 to hold it until you tell him to let go1 and then to let his arms fall to his side4 ,then let one of your companions place his hand under the armpit of the person to be assisted1 and you doing the like1 call to him to let go his support1 then tread water until you get his arms on the shoulders of your companion and yourself1 and then swim gently to shore4 ,should you be alone1 the utmost you can do is to let him hold his support while you tread water near him until further assistance can be obtained4 ,if you are alone and he has no support1 let him rest one arm across your shoulder1 put one of your arms behind his back1 and the hand under his armpit1 and tread water until help arrives4 ,never let a man in these circumstances grasp you in any way1 particularly if he be frightened1 for you may both be drowned2 but1 try to cool and reassure him by the intrepidity of your own movements1 and he will be safely and easily preserved4 ,,cricket4 ,when in the cricket-field1 we must allow ourselves to enter into the full spirit of the game2 but we must not allow the excitement of the play to make us forget what is due to others and to ourselves4 ,a gentle1 easy1 and1 at the same time1 gentlemanly manner1 may be assumed4 ,always offer to your companions the use of your private bat1 if they are not similarly provided2 for the bats belonging to the club often lose the spring in the handle from constant use1 and a firm bat with a good spring will prove very acceptable4 ,in this way you gratify the player1 and1 as a reward for your kindness1 he may1 from being well provided1 score more for the side than he would with inferior or worn-out tools4 ,this game is more purely democratic than any one we know of1 and the most aristocratic of gentlemen takes second rank1 for the time1 to the most humble cricketer1 if the latter be the more skillful4 ,but a good player is not always a gentleman1 and the difference in cultivation may always be distinguished4 ,a gentleman will never deride any one for his bad play1 nor give vent to oaths1 or strong epithets1 if disappointed in the playing of one of his side4 ,if he has to ask another player for anything1 he does so in a way to establish his claim to gentility4 ,may ,i trouble you for that ball8 or1 ,will you please to hand me that bat8 are much preferable to ,here1 you6 ball there6 or1 ,clumsy1 don't carry off that bat6 ,again1 if a gentleman makes a mistake himself1 he should always acknowledge it quietly1 and never start a stormy discussion as to the merits of his batting or fielding4 ,in fine1 preserve the same calm demeanor in the field that you would in the parlor1 however deeply you enter into the excitement of the game4 ,,chapter ,,ix4 ,,traveling4 ,in this country where ladies travel so much alone1 a gentleman has many opportunities of making this unprotected state a pleasant one4 ,there are many little courtesies which you may offer to a lady when traveling1 even if she is an entire stranger to you1 and by an air of respectful deference1 you may place her entirely at her ease with you1 even if you are both young4 ,when traveling with a lady1 your duties commence when you are presented to her as an escort4 ,if she is personally a stranger1 she will probably meet you at the wharf or car depot2 but if an old acquaintance1 you should offer to call for her at her residence4 ,take a hack1 and call1 leaving ample time for last speeches and farewell tears4 ,if she hands you her purse to defray her expenses1 return it to her if you stop for any length of time at a place where she may wish to make purchases4 ,if you make no stop upon your journey1 keep the purse until you arrive at your destination1 and then return it4 ,if she does not give you the money for her expenses when you start1 you had best pay them yourself1 keeping an account1 and she will repay you at the journey's end4 ,when you start1 select for your companion the pleasantest seat1 see that her shawl and bag are within her reach1 the window lowered or raised as she may prefer1 and then leave her to attend to the baggage1 or1 if you prefer1 let her remain in the hack while you get checks for the trunks4 ,never keep a lady standing upon the wharf or in the depot1 whilst you arrange the baggage4 ,when you arrive at a station1 place your lady in a hack while you get the trunks4 ,when arriving at a hotel1 escort your companion to the parlor1 and leave her there whilst you engage rooms4 ,as soon as her room is ready1 escort her to the door1 and leave her1 as she will probably wish to change her dress or lie down1 after the fatigue of traveling4 ,if you remain chatting in the parlor1 although she may be too polite to give any sign of weariness1 you may feel sure she is longing to go to a room where she can bathe her face and smooth her hair4 ,if you remain in the hotel to any meal1 ask before you leave her1 at what hour she wishes to dine1 sup1 or breakfast1 and at that hour1 knock at her door1 and escort her to the table4 ,if you remain in the city at which her journey terminates1 you should call the day after your arrival upon the companion of your journey4 ,if1 previous to that journey1 you have never met her1 she has the privilege of continuing the acquaintance or not as she pleases1 so if all your gallantry is repaid by a cut the next time you meet her1 you must submit1 and hope for better luck next time4 ,in such a case1 you are at liberty to decline escorting her again should the request be made4 ,when traveling alone1 your opportunities to display your gallantry will be still more numerous4 ,to offer to carry a bag for a lady who is unattended1 to raise or lower a window for her1 offer to check her baggage1 procure her a hack1 give her your arm from car to boat or boat to car1 assist her children over the bad crossings1 or in fact extend any such kindness1 will mark you as a gentleman1 and win you the thanks due to your courtesy4 ,be careful however not to be too attentive1 as you then become officious1 and embarrass when you mean to please4 ,if you are going to travel in other countries1 in ,europe1 especially1 ,i would advise you to study the languages1 before you attempt to go abroad4 ,french is the tongue you will find most useful in ,europe1 as it is spoken in the courts1 and amongst diplomatists2 but1 in order fully to enjoy a visit to any country1 you must speak the language of that country4 ,you can then visit in the private houses1 see life among the peasantry1 go with confidence from village to town1 from city to city1 learning more of the country in one day from familiar intercourse with the natives1 than you would learn in a year from guide books or the explanations of your courier4 ,the way to really enjoy a journey through a strange land1 is not to roll over the high ways in your carriage1 stop at the hotels1 and be led to the points of interest by your guide1 but to shoulder your knapsack1 or take up your valise1 and make a pedestrian tour through the hamlets and villages4 ,take a room at a hotel in the principal cities if you will1 and see all that your guide book commands you to seek1 and then start on your own tour of investigation1 and believe me you will enjoy your independent walks and chats with the villagers and peasants1 infinitely more than your visits dictated by others4 ,of course1 to enjoy this mode of traveling1 you must have some knowledge of the language1 and if you start with only a very slight acquaintance with it1 you will be surprised to find how rapidly you will acquire the power to converse1 when you are thus forced to speak in that language1 or be entirely silent4 ,your pocket1 too1 will be the gainer by the power to arrange your own affairs4 ,if you travel with a courier and depend upon him to arrange your hotel bills and other matters1 you will be cheated by every one1 from the boy who blacks your boots1 to the magnificent artist1 who undertakes to fill your picture gallery with the works of the old masters4 ,if ,murillo1 ,raphael1 and ,guido could see the pictures brought annually to this country as genuine works of their pencils1 we are certain that they would tear their ghostly hair1 wring their shadowy hands1 and return to the tomb again in disgust4 ,ignorant of the language of the country you are visiting1 you will be swindled in the little villages and the large cities by the inn-keepers and the hack-drivers1 in the country and in the town1 morning1 noon1 and evening1 daily1 hourly1 and weekly2 so1 again ,i say1 study the languages if you propose going abroad4 ,in a foreign country nothing stamps the difference between the gentleman and the clown more strongly than the regard they pay to foreign customs4 ,while the latter will exclaim against every strange dress or dish1 and even show signs of disgust if the latter does not please him1 the former will endeavor1 as far as is in his power1 to do in ,rome as ,romans do4 ,accustom yourself1 as soon as possible1 to the customs of the nation which you are visiting1 and1 as far as you can without any violation of principle1 follow them4 ,you will add much to your own comfort by so doing1 for1 as you cannot expect the whole nation to conform to your habits1 the sooner you fall in with theirs the sooner you will feel at home in the strange land4 ,never ridicule or blame any usage which seems to you ludicrous or wrong4 ,you may wound those around you1 or you may anger them1 and it cannot add to the pleasure of your visit to make yourself unpopular4 ,if in ,germany they serve your meat upon marmalade1 or your beef raw1 or in ,italy give you peas in their pods1 or in ,france offer you frog's legs and horsesteaks1 if you cannot eat the strange viands1 make no remarks and repress every look or gesture of disgust4 ,try to adapt your taste to the dishes1 and if you find that impossible1 remove those articles you cannot eat from your plate1 and make your meal upon the others1 but do this silently and quietly1 endeavoring not to attract attention4 ,the best travelers are those who can eat cats in ,china1 oil in ,greenland1 frogs in ,france1 and maccaroni in ,italy2 who can smoke a meershaum in ,germany1 ride an elephant in ,india1 shoot partridges in ,england1 and wear a turban in ,turkey2 in short1 in every nation adapt their habits1 costume1 and taste to the national manners1 dress and dishes4 ,do not1 when abroad1 speak continually in praise of your own country1 or disparagingly of others4 ,if you find others are interested in gaining information about ,america1 speak candidly and freely of its customs1 scenery1 or products1 but not in a way that will imply a contempt of other countries4 ,to turn up your nose at the ,thames because the ,mississippi is longer and wider1 or to sneer at any object because you have seen its superior at home1 is rude1 ill-bred1 and in excessively bad taste4 ,you will find abroad numerous objects of interest which ,america cannot parallel1 and while abroad1 you will do well to avoid mention of our rivers1 our mountains1 or1 our manufactories4 ,you will find ruins in ,rome1 pictures in ,florence1 cemeteries in ,france1 and factories in ,england1 which will take the lead and challenge the world to compete2 and you will exhibit a far better spirit if you candidly acknowledge that superiority1 than if you make absurd and untrue assertions of our power to excel them4 ,you will1 of course1 meet with much to disapprove1 much that will excite your laughter2 but control the one and keep silence about the other4 ,if you find fault1 do so gently and quietly2 if you praise1 do so without qualification1 sincerely and warmly4 ,study well the geography of any country which you may visit1 and1 as far as possible1 its history also4 ,you cannot feel much interest in localities or monuments connected with history1 if you are unacquainted with the events which make them worthy of note4 ,converse with any who seem disposed to form an acquaintance4 ,you may thus pass an hour or two pleasantly1 obtain useful information1 and you need not carry on the acquaintance unless you choose to do so4 ,amongst the higher circles in ,europe you will find many of the customs of each nation in other nations1 but it is among the peasants and the people that you find the true nationality4 ,you may carry with you one rule into every country1 which is1 that1 however much the inhabitants may object to your dress1 language1 or habits1 they will cheerfully acknowledge that the ,american stranger is perfectly amiable and polite4 ,,chapter ,x4 ,,etiquette ,,in ,,church4 ,it is not1 in this book1 a question1 what you must believe1 but how you must act4 ,if your conscience permits you to visit other churches than your own1 your first duty1 whilst in them1 is not to sneer or scoff at any of its forms1 and to follow the service as closely as you can4 ,to remove your hat upon entering the edifice devoted to the worship of a ,higher ,power1 is a sign of respect never to be omitted4 ,many men will omit in foreign churches this custom so expressive and touching1 and by the omission make others believe them irreverent and foolish1 even though they may act from mere thoughtlessness4 ,if1 however1 you are in a country where the head is kept covered1 and another form of humility adopted1 you need not fear to follow the custom of those around you4 ,you will be more respected if you pay deference to their religious views1 than if you undertook to prove your superiority by affecting a contempt for any form of worship4 ,enter with your thoughts fixed upon high and holy subjects1 and your face will show your devotion1 even if you are ignorant of the forms of that particular church4 ,if you are with a lady1 in a catholic church1 offer her the holy water with your hand ungloved1 for1 as it is in the intercourse with princes1 that church requires all the ceremonies to be performed with the bare hand4 ,pass up the aisle with your companion until you reach the pew you are to occupy1 then step before her1 open the door1 and hold it open while she enters the pew4 ,then follow her1 closing the door after you4 ,if you are visiting a strange church1 request the sexton to give you a seat4 ,never enter a pew uninvited4 ,if you are in your own pew in church1 and see strangers looking for a place1 open your pew door1 invite them by a motion to enter1 and hold the door open for them1 re-entering yourself after they are seated4 ,if others around you do not pay what you think a proper attention to the services1 do not1 by scornful glances or whispered remarks1 notice their omissions4 ,strive1 by your own devotion1 to forget those near you4 ,you may offer a book or fan to a stranger near you1 if unprovided themselves1 whether they be young or old1 lady or gentleman4 ,remain kneeling as long as those around you do so4 ,do not1 if your own devotion is not satisfied by your attitude1 throw scornful glances upon those who remain seated1 or merely bow their heads4 ,above all never sign to them1 or speak1 reminding them of the position most suitable for the service4 ,keep your own position1 but do not think you have the right to dictate to others4 ,i have heard young persons addressing1 with words of reproach1 old men1 and lame ones1 whose infirmities forbade them to kneel or stand in church1 but who were1 doubtless1 as good ,christians as their presumptuous advisers4 ,i know that it often is an effort to remain silent when those in another pew talk incessantly in a low tone or whisper1 or sing in a loud tone1 out of all time or tune1 or read the wrong responses in a voice of thunder2 but1 while you carefully avoid such faults yourself1 you must pass them over in others1 without remark4 ,if1 when abroad1 you visit a church to see the pictures or monuments within its walls1 and not for worship1 choose the hours when there is no service being read4 ,even if you are alone1 or merely with a guide1 speak low1 walk slowly1 and keep an air of quiet respect in the edifice devoted to the service of ,god4 ,let me here protest against an ,americanism of which modest ladies justly complain2 it is that of gentlemen standing in groups round the doors of churches both before and after service4 ,a well-bred man will not indulge in this practice2 and1 if detained upon the step by a friend1 or1 whilst waiting for another person1 he will stand aside and allow plenty of room for others to pass in1 and will never bring the blood into a woman's face by a long1 curious stare4 ,in church1 as in every other position in life1 the most unselfish man is the most perfect gentleman2 so1 if you wish to retain your position as a well-bred man1 you will1 in a crowded church1 offer your seat to any lady1 or old man1 who may be standing4 ,,chapter ,,xi4 ,,one ,,hundred ,,hints ,,for ,,gentlemanly ,,deportment4 #a4 ,always avoid any rude or boisterous action1 especially when in the presence of ladies4 ,it is not necessary to be stiff1 indolent1 or sullenly silent1 neither is perfect gravity always required1 but if you jest let it be with quiet1 gentlemanly wit1 never depending upon clownish gestures for the effect of a story4 ,nothing marks the gentleman so soon and so decidedly as quiet1 refined ease of manner4 #b4 ,never allow a lady to get a chair for herself1 ring a bell1 pick up a handkerchief or glove she may have dropped1 or1 in short1 perform any service for herself which you can perform for her1 when you are in the room4 ,by extending such courtesies to your mother1 sisters1 or other members of your family1 they become habitual1 and are thus more gracefully performed when abroad4 #c4 ,never perform any little service for another with a formal bow or manner as if conferring a favor1 but with a quiet gentlemanly ease as if it were1 not a ceremonious1 unaccustomed performance1 but a matter of course1 for you to be courteous4 #d4 ,it is not necessary to tell all that you know2 that were mere folly2 but what a man says must be what he believes himself1 else he violates the first rule for a gentleman's speech--,truth4 #e4 ,avoid gambling as you would poison4 ,every bet made1 even in the most finished circles of society1 is a species of gambling1 and this ruinous crime comes on by slow degrees4 ,whilst a man is minding his business1 he is playing the best game1 and he is sure to win4 ,you will be tempted to the vice by those whom the world calls gentlemen1 but you will find that loss makes you angry1 and an angry man is never a courteous one2 gain excites you to continue the pursuit of the vice2 and1 in the end you will lose money1 good name1 health1 good conscience1 light heart1 and honesty2 while you gain evil associates1 irregular hours and habits1 a suspicious1 fretful temper1 and a remorseful1 tormenting conscience4 ,some one must lose in the game2 and1 if you win it1 it is at the risk of driving a fellow creature to despair4 #f4 ,cultivate tact6 ,in society it will be an invaluable aid4 ,talent is something1 but tact is everything4 ,talent is serious1 sober1 grave1 and respectable2 tact is all that and more too4 ,it is not a sixth sense1 but it is the life of all the five4 ,it is the open eye1 the quick ear1 the judging taste1 the keen smell1 and the lively touch2 it is the interpreter of all riddles--the surmounter of all difficulties--the remover of all obstacles4 ,it is useful in all places1 and at all times2 it is useful in solitude1 for it shows a man his way into the world2 it is useful in society1 for it shows him his way through the world4 ,talent is power--tact is skill2 talent is weight--tact is momentum2 talent knows what to do--tact knows how to do it2 talent makes a man respectable--tact will make him respected2 talent is wealth--tact is ready money4 ,for all the practical purposes of society tact carries against talent ten to one4 #g4 ,nature has left every man a capacity of being agreeable1 though all cannot shine in company2 but there are many men sufficiently qualified for both1 who1 by a very few faults1 that a little attention would soon correct1 are not so much as tolerable4 ,watch1 avoid such faults4 #h4 ,habits of self-possession and self-control acquired early in life1 are the best foundation for the formation of gentlemanly manners4 ,if you unite with this the constant intercourse with ladies and gentlemen of refinement and education1 you will add to the dignity of perfect self command1 the polished ease of polite society4 #i4 ,avoid a conceited manner4 ,it is exceedingly ill-bred to assume a manner as if you were superior to those around you1 and it is1 too1 a proof1 not of superiority but of vulgarity4 ,and to avoid this manner1 avoid the foundation of it1 and cultivate humility4 ,the praises of others should be of use to you1 in teaching1 not what you are1 perhaps1 but in pointing out what you ought to be4 #aj4 ,avoid pride1 too2 it often miscalculates1 and more often misconceives4 ,the proud man places himself at a distance from other men2 seen through that distance1 others1 perhaps1 appear little to him2 but he forgets that this very distance causes him also to appear little to others4 #aa4 ,a gentleman's title suggests to him humility and affability2 to be easy of access1 to pass by neglects and offences1 especially from inferiors2 neither to despise any for their bad fortune or misery1 nor to be afraid to own those who are unjustly oppressed2 not to domineer over inferiors1 nor to be either disrespectful or cringing to superiors2 not standing upon his family name1 or wealth1 but making these secondary to his attainments in civility1 industry1 gentleness1 and discretion4 #ab4 ,chesterfield says1 ,all ceremonies are1 in themselves1 very silly things2 but yet a man of the world should know them4 ,they are the outworks of manners1 which would be too often broken in upon if it were not for that defence which keeps the enemy at a proper distance4 ,it is for that reason ,i always treat fools and coxcombs with great ceremony1 true good breeding not being a sufficient barrier against them4 #ac4 ,when you meet a lady at the foot of a flight of stairs1 do not wait for her to ascend1 but bow1 and go up before her4 #ad4 ,in meeting a lady at the head of a flight of stairs1 wait for her to precede you in the descent4 #ae4 ,avoid slang4 ,it does not beautify1 but it sullies conversation4 ,just listen1 for a moment1 to our fast young man1 or the ape of a fast young man1 who thinks that to be a man he must speak in the dark phraseology of slang4 ,if he does anything on his own responsibility1 he does it on his own 'hook4' ,if he sees anything remarkably good1 he calls it a 'stunner1' the superlative of which is a 'regular stunner4' ,if a man is requested to pay a tavern bill1 he is asked if he will 'stand ,sam4' ,if he meets a savage-looking dog1 he calls him an 'ugly customer4' ,if he meets an eccentric man1 he calls him a 'rummy old cove4' ,a sensible man is a 'chap that is up to snuff4' ,our young friend never scolds1 but 'blows up2' never pays1 but 'stumps up2' never finds it too difficult to pay1 but is 'hard up4' ,he has no hat1 but shelters his head beneath a 'tile4' ,he wears no neckcloth1 but surrounds his throat with a 'choker4' ,he lives nowhere1 but there is some place where he 'hangs out4' ,he never goes away or withdraws1 but he 'bolts'--he 'slopes'--he 'mizzles'--he 'makes himself scarce'--he 'walks his chalks'--he 'makes tracks'--he 'cuts stick'--or1 what is the same thing1 he 'cuts his lucky6' ,the highest compliment that you can pay him is to tell him that he is a 'regular brick4' ,he does not profess to be brave1 but he prides himself on being 'plucky4' ,money is a word which he has forgotten1 but he talks a good deal about 'tin1' and the 'needful1' 'the rhino1' and 'the ready4' ,when a man speaks1 he 'spouts2' when he holds his peace1 he 'shuts up2' when he is humiliated1 he is 'taken down a peg or two1' and made to 'sing small4' ,now1 besides the vulgarity of such expressions1 there is much in slang that is objectionable in a moral point of view4 ,for example1 the word 'governor1' as applied to a father1 is to be reprehended4 ,does it not betray1 on the part of young men1 great ignorance of the paternal and filial relationship1 or great contempt for them8 ,their father is to such young men merely a governor1--merely a representative of authority4 ,innocently enough the expression is used by thousands of young men who venerate and love their parents2 but only think of it1 and ,i am sure that you will admit that it is a cold1 heartless word when thus applied1 and one that ought forthwith to be abandoned4 #af4 ,there are few traits of social life more repulsive than tyranny4 ,i refer not to the wrongs1 real or imaginary1 that engage our attention in ancient and modern history2 my tyrants are not those who have waded through blood to thrones1 and grievously oppress their brother men4 ,i speak of the petty tyrants of the fireside and the social circle1 who trample like very despots on the opinions of their fellows4 ,you meet people of this class everywhere2 they stalk by your side in the streets2 they seat themselves in the pleasant circle on the hearth1 casting a gloom on gayety2 and they start up dark and scowling in the midst of scenes of innocent mirth1 to chill and frown down every participator4 ,they pooh6 pooh6 at every opinion advanced2 they make the lives of their mothers1 sisters1 wives1 children1 unbearable4 ,beware then of tyranny4 ,a gentleman is ever humble1 and the tyrant is never courteous4 #ag4 ,cultivate the virtues of the soul1 strong principle1 incorruptible integrity1 usefulness1 refined intellect1 and fidelity in seeking for truth4 ,a man in proportion as he has these virtues will be honored and welcomed everywhere4 #ah4 ,gentility is neither in birth1 wealth1 or fashion1 but in the mind4 ,a high sense of honor1 a determination never to take a mean advantage of another1 adherence to truth1 delicacy and politeness towards those with whom we hold intercourse1 are the essential characteristics of a gentleman4 #ai4 ,little attentions to your mother1 your wife1 and your sister1 will beget much love4 ,the man who is a rude husband1 son1 and brother1 cannot be a gentleman2 he may ape the manners of one1 but1 wanting the refinement of heart that would make him courteous at home1 his politeness is but a thin cloak to cover a rude1 unpolished mind4 #bj4 ,at table1 always eat slowly1 but do not delay those around you by toying with your food1 or neglecting the business before you to chat1 till all the others are ready to leave the table1 but must wait until you repair your negligence1 by hastily swallowing your food4 #ba4 ,are you a husband8 ,custom entitles you to be the lord and master over your household4 ,but don't assume the master and sink the lord4 ,remember that noble generosity1 forbearance1 amiability1 and integrity are the lordly attributes of man4 ,as a husband1 therefore1 exhibit the true nobility of man1 and seek to govern your household by the display of high moral excellence4 ,a domineering spirit--a fault-finding petulance--impatience of trifling delays--and the exhibition of unworthy passion at the slightest provocation can add no laurel to your own lordly brow1 impart no sweetness to home1 and call forth no respect from those by whom you may be surrounded4 ,it is one thing to be a master1 another to be a man4 ,the latter should be the husband's aspiration2 for he who cannot govern himself1 is ill-qualified to rule others4 ,you can hardly imagine how refreshing it is to occasionally call up the recollection of your courting days4 ,how tediously the hours rolled away prior to the appointed time of meeting2 how swift they seemed to fly1 when met2 how fond was the first greeting2 how tender the last embrace2 how fervent were your vows2 how vivid your dreams of future happiness1 when1 returning to your home1 you felt yourself secure in the confessed love of the object of your warm affections6 ,is your dream realized8--are you so happy as you expected8--why not8 ,consider whether as a husband you are as fervent and constant as you were when a lover4 ,remember that the wife's claims to your unremitting regard--great before marriage1 are now exalted to a much higher degree4 ,she has left the world for you--the home of her childhood1 the fireside of her parents1 their watchful care and sweet intercourse have all been yielded up for you4 ,look then most jealously upon all that may tend to attract you from home1 and to weaken that union upon which your temporal happiness mainly depends2 and believe that in the solemn relationship of ,,husband is to be found one of the best guarantees for man's honor and happiness4 #bb4 ,perhaps the true definition of a gentleman is this3 ,whoever is open1 loyal1 and true2 whoever is of humane and affable demeanor2 whoever is honorable in himself1 and in his judgment of others1 and requires no law but his word to make him fulfil an engagement2 such a man is a gentleman1 be he in the highest or lowest rank of life1 a man of elegant refinement and intellect1 or the most unpolished tiller of the ground4 #bc4 ,in the street1 etiquette does not require a gentleman to take off his glove to shake hands with a lady1 unless her hand is uncovered4 ,in the house1 however1 the rule is imperative1 he must not offer a lady a gloved hand4 ,in the street1 if his hand be very warm or very cold1 or the glove cannot be readily removed1 it is much better to offer the covered hand than to offend the lady's touch1 or delay the salutation during an awkward fumble to remove the glove4 #bd4 ,sterne says1 ,true courtship consists in a number of quiet1 gentlemanly attentions1 not so pointed as to alarm1 not so vague as to be misunderstood4 ,a clown will terrify by his boldness1 a proud man chill by his reserve1 but a gentleman will win by the happy mixture of the two4 #be4 ,use no profane language1 utter no word that will cause the most virtuous to blush4 ,profanity is a mark of low breeding2 and the tendency of using indecent and profane language is degrading to your minds4 ,its injurious effects may not be felt at the moment1 but they will continue to manifest themselves to you through life4 ,they may never be obliterated2 and1 if you allow the fault to become habitual1 you will often find at your tongue's end some expressions which you would not use for any money4 ,by being careful on this point you may save yourself much mortification and sorrow4 ,good men have been taken sick and become delirious4 ,in these moments they have used the most vile and indecent language4 ,when informed of it1 after a restoration to health1 they had no idea of the pain they had given to their friends1 and stated that they had learned and repeated the expressions in childhood1 and though years had passed since they had spoken a bad word1 the early impressions had been indelibly stamped upon the mind4 ,think of this1 ye who are tempted to use improper language1 and never let a vile word disgrace you4 ,an oath never falls from the tongue of the man who commands respect4 ,honesty1 frankness1 generosity1 and virtue are noble traits4 ,let these be yours1 and do not fear4 ,you will then claim the esteem and love of all4 #bf4 ,courteous and friendly conduct may1 probably will1 sometimes meet with an unworthy and ungrateful return2 but the absence of gratitude and similar courtesy on the part of the receiver cannot destroy the self-approbation which recompenses the giver4 ,we may scatter the seeds of courtesy and kindness around us at little expense4 ,some of them will inevitably fall on good ground1 and grow up into benevolence in the minds of others1 and all of them will bear the fruit of happiness in the bosom whence they spring4 ,a kindly action always fixes itself on the heart of the truly thoughtful and polite man4 #bg4 ,learn to restrain anger4 ,a man in a passion ceases to be a gentleman1 and if you do not control your passions1 rely upon it1 they will one day control you4 ,the intoxication of anger1 like that of the grape1 shows us to others1 but hides us from ourselves1 and we injure our own cause in the opinion of the world when we too passionately and eagerly defend it4 ,neither will all men be disposed to view our quarrels in the same light that we do2 and a man's blindness to his own defects will ever increase in proportion as he is angry with others1 or pleased with himself4 ,an old ,english writer says3-- ,as a preventative of anger1 banish all tale-bearers and slanderers from your conversation1 for it is these blow the devil's bellows to rouse up the flames of rage and fury1 by first abusing your ears1 and then your credulity1 and after that steal away your patience1 and all this1 perhaps1 for a lie4 ,to prevent anger1 be not too inquisitive into the affairs of others1 or what people say of yourself1 or into the mistakes of your friends1 for this is going out to gather sticks to kindle a fire to burn your own house4 #bh4 ,keep good company or none4 ,you will lose your own self-respect1 and habits of courtesy sooner and more effectually by intercourse with low company1 than in any other manner2 while1 in good company1 these virtues will be cultivated and become habitual4 #bi4 ,keep your engagements4 ,nothing is ruder than to make an engagement1 be it of business or pleasure1 and break it4 ,if your memory is not sufficiently retentive to keep all the engagements you make stored within it1 carry a little memorandum book and enter them there4 ,especially1 keep any appointment made with a lady1 for1 depend upon it1 the fair sex forgive any other fault in good breeding1 sooner than a broken engagement4 #cj4 ,avoid personality2 nothing is more ungentlemanly4 ,the tone of good company is marked by its entire absence4 ,among well-informed persons there are plenty of topics to discuss1 without giving pain to any one present4 #ca4 ,make it a rule to be always punctual in keeping an appointment1 and1 when it is convenient1 be a little beforehand4 ,such a habit ensures that composure and ease which is the very essence of gentlemanly deportment2 want of it keeps you always in a fever and bustle and no man who is hurried and feverish appears so well as he whose punctuality keeps him cool and composed4 #cb4 ,it is right to cultivate a laudable ambition1 but do not exaggerate your capacity4 ,the world will not give you credit for half what you esteem yourself4 ,some men think it so much gained to pass for more than they are worth2 but in most cases the deception will be discovered1 sooner or later1 and the rebound will be greater than the gain4 ,we may1 therefore1 set it down as a truth1 that it is a damage to a man to have credit for greater powers than he possesses4 #cc4 ,be ready to apologize when you have committed a fault which gives offence4 ,better1 far better1 to retain a friend by a frank1 courteous apology for offence given1 than to make an enemy by obstinately denying or persisting in the fault4 #cd4 ,an apology made to yourself must be accepted4 ,no matter how great the offence1 a gentleman cannot keep his anger after an apology has been made1 and thus1 amongst truly well-bred men1 an apology is always accepted4 #ce4 ,unless you have something of real importance to ask or communicate1 do not stop a gentleman in the street during business hours4 ,you may detain him from important engagements1 and1 though he may be too well-bred to show annoyance1 he will not thank you for such detention4 #cf4 ,if1 when on your way to fulfil an engagement1 a friend stops you in the street1 you may1 without committing any breach of etiquette1 tell him of your appointment1 and release yourself from a long talk1 but do so in a courteous manner1 expressing regret for the necessity4 #cg4 ,if1 when meeting two gentlemen1 you are obliged to detain one of them1 apologize to the other for so doing1 whether he is an acquaintance or a stranger1 and do not keep him waiting a moment longer than is necessary4 #ch4 ,have you a sister8 ,then love and cherish her with all that pure and holy friendship which renders a brother so worthy and noble4 ,learn to appreciate her sweet influence as portrayed in the following words3 ,he who has never known a sister's kind administration1 nor felt his heart warming beneath her endearing smile and love-beaming eye1 has been unfortunate indeed4 ,it is not to be wondered at if the fountains of pure feeling flow in his bosom but sluggishly1 or if the gentle emotions of his nature be lost in the sterner attributes of mankind4 ',that man has grown up among affectionate sisters1' ,i once heard a lady of much observation and experience remark4 ',and why do you think so8' said ,i4 ',because of the rich development of all the tender feelings of the heart4' ,a sister's influence is felt even in manhood's riper years2 and the heart of him who has grown cold in chilly contact with the world will warm and thrill with pure enjoyment as some accident awakens within him the soft tones1 the glad melodies of his sister's voice2 and he will turn from purposes which a warped and false philosophy had reasoned into expediency1 and even weep for the gentle influences which moved him in his earlier years4 ,the man who would treat a sister with harshness1 rudeness1 or disrespect1 is unworthy of the name of gentleman1 for he thus proves that the courtesies he extends to other ladies1 are not the promptings of the heart1 but the mere external signs of etiquette2 the husk without the sweet fruit within4 #ci4 ,when walking with a friend in the street1 never leave him to speak to another friend without apologizing for so doing4 #dj4 ,if walking with a lady1 never leave her alone in the street1 under any circumstances4 ,it is a gross violation of etiquette to do so4 #da4 ,the most truly gentlemanly man is he who is the most unselfish1 so ,i would say in the words of the ,rev4 ,j4 ,a4 ,james3 ,live for some purpose in the world4 ,act your part well4 ,fill up the measure of duty to others4 ,conduct yourselves so that you shall be missed with sorrow when you are gone4 ,multitudes of our species are living in such a selfish manner that they are not likely to be remembered after their disappearance4 ,they leave behind them scarcely any traces of their existence1 but are forgotten almost as though they had never been4 ,they are while they live1 like one pebble lying unobserved amongst a million on the shore2 and when they die1 they are like that same pebble thrown into the sea1 which just ruffles the surface1 sinks1 and is forgotten1 without being missed from the beach4 ,they are neither regretted by the rich1 wanted by the poor1 nor celebrated by the learned4 ,who has been the better for their life8 ,who has been the worse for their death8 ,whose tears have they dried up8 whose wants supplied8 whose miseries have they healed8 ,who would unbar the gate of life1 to re-admit them to existence8 or what face would greet them back again to our world with a smile8 ,wretched1 unproductive mode of existence6 ,selfishness is its own curse2 it is a starving vice4 ,the man who does no good1 gets none4 ,he is like the heath in the desert1 neither yielding fruit1 nor seeing when good cometh--a stunted1 dwarfish1 miserable shrub4 #db4 ,separate the syllables of the word gentleman1 and you will see that the first requisite must be gentleness--gentle-man4 ,mackenzie says1 ,few persons are sufficiently aware of the power of gentleness4 ,it is slow in working1 but it is infallible in its results4 ,it makes no noise2 it neither invites attention1 nor provokes resistance2 but it is ,god's great law1 in the moral as in the natural world1 for accomplishing great results4 ,the progressive dawn of day1 the flow of the tide1 the lapse of time1 the changes of the seasons--these are carried on by slow and imperceptible degrees1 yet their progress and issue none can mistake or resist4 ,equally certain and surprising are the triumphs of gentleness4 ,it assumes nothing1 yet it can disarm the stoutest opposition2 it yields1 but yielding is the element of its strength2 it endures1 but in the warfare victory is not gained by doing1 but by suffering4 #dc4 ,perfect composure of manner requires perfect peace of mind1 so you should1 as far as lies in human power1 avoid the evils which make an unquiet mind1 and1 first of all1 avoid that cheating1 swindling process called running in debt4 ,owe no man anything2 avoid it as you would avoid war1 pestilence1 and famine4 ,hate it with a perfect hatred4 ,as you value comfort1 quiet1 and independence1 keep out of debt4 ,as you value a healthy appetite1 placid temper1 pleasant dreams1 and happy wakings1 keep out of debt4 ,it is the hardest of all task-masters2 the most cruel of all oppressors4 ,it is a mill-stone about the neck4 ,it is an incubus on the heart4 ,it furrows the forehead with premature wrinkles4 ,it drags the nobleness and kindness out of the port and bearing of a man2 it takes the soul out of his laugh1 and all stateliness and freedom from his walk4 ,come not1 then1 under its crushing dominion4 #dd4 ,speak gently2 a kind refusal will often wound less than a rough1 ungracious assent4 #de4 ,in private1 watch your thoughts2 in your family1 watch your temper2 in society1 watch your tongue4 #df4 ,the true secret of pleasing all the world1 is to have an humble opinion of yourself4 ,true goodness is invariably accompanied by gentleness1 courtesy1 and humility4 ,those people who are always sticking on their dignity1 are continually losing friends1 making enemies1 and fostering a spirit of unhappiness in themselves4 #dg4 ,are you a merchant8 ,remember that the counting-house is no less a school of manners and temper than a school of morals4 ,vulgarity1 imperiousness1 peevishness1 caprice on the part of the heads1 will produce their corresponding effects upon the household4 ,some merchants are petty tyrants4 ,some are too surly to be fit for any charge1 unless it be that of taming a shrew4 ,the coarseness of others1 in manner and language1 must either disgust or contaminate all their subordinates4 ,in one establishment you will encounter an unmanly levity1 which precludes all discipline4 ,in another1 a mock dignity1 which supplies the juveniles with a standing theme of ridicule4 ,in a third1 a capriciousness of mood and temper1 which reminds one of the prophetic hints of the weather in the old almanacks--windy--cool--very pleasant--blustering--look out for storms--and the like4 ,and1 in a fourth1 a selfish acerbity1 which exacts the most unreasonable services1 and never cheers a clerk with a word of encouragement4--,these are sad infirmities4 ,men ought not to have clerks until they know how to treat them4 ,their own comfort1 too1 would be greatly enhanced by a different deportment4 #dh4 ,if you are about to enter1 or leave1 a store or any door1 and unexpectedly meet a lady going the other way1 stand aside and raise your hat whilst she passes4 ,if she is going the same way1 and the door is closed1 pass before her1 saying1 allow me1 or1 permit me1--open the door1 and hold it open whilst she passes4 #di4 ,in entering a room where you will meet ladies1 take your hat1 cane1 and gloves in your left hand1 that your right may be free to offer to them4 #ej4 ,never offer to shake hands with a lady2 she will1 if she wishes you to do so1 offer her hand to you1 and it is an impertinence for you to do so first4 #ea4 ,if you are seated in the most comfortable chair in a public room1 and a lady1 an invalid1 or an old man enters1 rise1 and offer your seat1 even if they are strangers to you4 ,many men will attend to these civilities when with friends or acquaintances1 and neglect them amongst strangers1 but the true gentleman will not wait for an introduction before performing an act of courtesy4 #eb4 ,as both flattery and slander are in the highest degree blameable and ungentlemanly1 ,i would quote the rule of ,bishop ,beveridge1 which effectually prevents both4 ,he says1 ,never speak of a man's virtue before his face1 nor of his faults behind his back4 #ec4 ,never enter a room1 in which there are ladies1 after smoking1 until you have purified both your mouth1 teeth1 hair1 and clothes4 ,if you wish to smoke just before entering a saloon1 wear an old coat and carefully brush your hair and teeth before resuming your own4 #ed4 ,never endeavor to attract the attention of a friend by nudging him1 touching his foot or hand secretly1 or making him a gesture4 ,if you cannot speak to him frankly1 you had best let him alone2 for these signals are generally made with the intention of ridiculing a third person1 and that is the height of rudeness4 #ee4 ,button-holding is a common but most blameable breach of good manners4 ,if a man requires to be forcibly detained to listen to you1 you are as rude in thus detaining him1 as if you had put a pistol to his head and threatened to blow his brains out if he stirred4 #ef4 ,it is a great piece of rudeness to make a remark in general company1 which is intelligible to one person only4 ,to call out1 ,george1 ,i met ,d4 ,l4 yesterday1 and he says he will attend to that matter1 is as bad as if you went to ,george and whispered in his ear4 #eg4 ,in your intercourse with servants1 nothing will mark you as a well-bred man1 so much as a gentle1 courteous manner4 ,a request will make your wishes attended to as quickly as a command1 and thanks for a service1 oil the springs of the servant's labor immensely4 ,rough1 harsh commands may make your orders obeyed well and promptly1 but they will be executed unwillingly1 in fear1 and1 probably1 dislike1 while courtesy and kindness will win a willing spirit as well as prompt service4 #eh4 ,avoid eccentric conduct4 ,it does not1 as many suppose1 mark a man of genius4 ,most men of true genius are gentlemanly and reserved in their intercourse with other men1 and there are many fools whose folly is called eccentricity4 #ei4 ,avoid familiarity4 ,neither treat others with too great cordiality nor suffer them to take liberties with you4 ,to check the familiarity of others1 you need not become stiff1 sullen1 nor cold1 but you will find that excessive politeness on your own part1 sometimes with a little formality1 will soon abash the intruder4 #fj4 ,lazy1 lounging attitudes in the presence of ladies are very rude4 #fa4 ,it is only the most arrant coxcomb who will boast of the favor shown him by a lady1 speak of her by her first name1 or allow others to jest with him upon his friendship or admiration for her4 ,if he really admires her1 and has reason to hope for a future engagement with her1 her name should be as sacred to him as if she were already his wife2 if1 on the contrary1 he is not on intimate terms with her1 then he adds a lie to his excessively bad breeding1 when using her name familiarly4 #fb4 ,he that can please nobody is not so much to be pitied as he that nobody can please4 #fc4 ,speak without obscurity or affectation4 ,the first is a mark of pedantry1 the second a sign of folly4 ,a wise man will speak always clearly and intelligibly4 #fd4 ,to betray a confidence is to make yourself despicable4 ,many things are said among friends which are not said under a seal of secrecy1 but are understood to be confidential1 and a truly honorable man will never violate this tacit confidence4 ,it is really as sacred as if the most solemn promises of silence bound your tongue2 more so1 indeed1 to the true gentleman1 as his sense of honor1 not his word1 binds him4 #fe4 ,chesterfield says1 ,as learning1 honor1 and virtue are absolutely necessary to gain you the esteem and admiration of mankind1 politeness and good breeding are equally necessary to make you welcome and agreeable in conversation and common life4 ,great talents1 such as honor1 virtue1 learning1 and parts are above the generality of the world1 who neither possess them themselves nor judge of them rightly in others2 but all people are judges of the lesser talents1 such as civility1 affability1 and an obliging1 agreeable address and manner2 because they feel the good effects of them1 as making society easy and pleasing4 #ff4 ,good sense must1 in many cases1 determine good breeding2 because the same thing that would be civil at one time and to one person1 may be quite otherwise at another time and to another person4 #fg4 ,nothing can be more ill-bred than to meet a polite remark addressed to you1 either with inattention or a rude answer4 #fh4 ,spirit is now a very fashionable word1 but it is terribly misapplied4 ,in the present day to act with spirit and speak with spirit means to act rashly and speak indiscretely4 ,a gentleman shows his spirit by firm1 but gentle words and resolute actions4 ,he is spirited but neither rash nor timid4 #fi4 ,use kind words4 ,they do not cost much4 ,it does not take long to utter them4 ,they never blister the tongue or lips in their passage into the world1 or occasion any other kind of bodily suffering4 ,and we have never heard of any mental trouble arising from this quarter4 ,though they do not ,,cost much1 yet they ,,accomplish much4 ,they help one's own good nature and good will4 ,one cannot be in a habit of this kind1 without thereby picking away something of the granite roughness of his own nature4 ,soft words will soften his own soul4 ,philosophers tell us that the angry words a man uses1 in his passion1 are fuel to the flame of his wrath1 and make it blaze the more fiercely4 ,why1 then1 should not words of the opposite character produce opposite results1 and that most blessed of all passions of the soul1 kindness1 be augmented by kind words8 ,people that are forever speaking kindly1 are forever disinclining themselves to ill-temper4 ,kind words make other people good natured4 ,cold words freeze people1 and hot words scorch them1 and sarcastic words irritate them1 and bitter words make them bitter1 and wrathful words make them wrathful4 ,and kind words also produce their own image on men's souls4 ,and a beautiful image it is4 ,they soothe1 and quiet1 and comfort the hearer4 ,they shame him out of his sour1 morose1 unkind feelings1 and he has to become kind himself4 ,there is such a rush of all other kind of words1 in our days1 that it seems desirable to give kind words a chance among them4 ,there are vain words1 and idle words1 and hasty words1 and spiteful words1 and silly words1 and empty words4 ,now1 kind words are better than the whole of them1 and it is a pity that1 among the improvements of the present age1 birds of this feather might not have more chance than they have had to spread their wings4 ,kind words are in danger of being driven from the field1 like frightened pigeons1 in these days of boisterous words1 and warlike words1 and passionate words4 ,they have not the brass to stand up1 like so many grenadiers1 and fight their own way among the throng4 ,besides1 they have been out of use so long1 that they hardly know whether they have any right to make their appearance any more in our bustling world2 not knowing but that1 perhaps1 the world was done with them1 and would not like their company any more4 ,let us welcome them back4 ,we have not done with them4 ,we have not yet begun to use them in such abundance as they ought to be used4 ,we cannot spare them4 #gj4 ,the first step towards pleasing every one is to endeavor to offend no one4 ,to give pain by a light or jesting remark is as much a breach of etiquette1 as to give pain by a wound made with a steel weapon1 is a breach of humanity4 #ga4 ,a gentleman will never use his tongue to rail and brawl against any one2 to speak evil of others in their absence2 to exaggerate any of his statements2 to speak harshly to children or to the poor2 to swear1 lie1 or use improper language2 to hazard random and improbable statements2 to speak rashly or violently upon any subject2 to deceive people by circulating false reports1 or to offer up lip-service in religion4 ,but he will use it to convey to mankind useful information2 to instruct his family and others who need it2 to warn and reprove the wicked2 to comfort and console the afflicted2 to cheer the timid and fearful2 to defend the innocent and oppressed2 to plead for the widow and orphan2 to congratulate the success of the virtuous1 and to confess1 tearfully and prayerfully1 his faults4 #gb4 ,chesterfield says1 ,civility is particularly due to all women2 and1 remember1 that no provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not being civil to every woman2 and the greatest man would justly be reckoned a brute if he were not civil to the meanest woman4 ,it is due to their sex1 and is the only protection they have against the superior strength of ours2 nay1 even a little is allowable with women3 and a man may1 without weakness1 tell a women she is either handsomer or wiser than she is4 7,chesterfield would not have said this in the present age of strong minded1 sensible women47 #gc4 ,there is much tact and good breeding to be displayed in the correction of any little error that may occur in conversation4 ,to say1 shortly1--,you are wrong6 ,i know better6 is rude1 and your friends will much more readily admit an error if you say courteously and gently1 ,pardon me1 but ,i must take the liberty of correcting you1 or1 ,you will allow me1 ,i am sure1 to tell you that your informant made an error4 ,if such an error is of no real importance1 it is better to let it pass unnoticed4 #gd4 ,intimate friends and relations should be careful when they go out into the world together1 or admit others to their own circle1 that they do not make a bad use of the knowledge which they have gained of each other by their intimacy4 ,nothing is more common than this2 and1 did it not mostly proceed from mere carelessness1 it would be superlatively ungenerous4 ,you seldom need wait for the written life of a man to hear about his weaknesses1 or what are supposed to be such1 if you know his intimate friends1 or meet him in company with them4 #ge4 ,in making your first visit anywhere1 you will be less apt to offend by being too ceremonious1 than by being too familiar4 #gf4 ,with your friends remember the old proverb1 that1 ,familiarity breeds contempt4 #gg4 ,if you meet1 in society1 with any one1 be it a gentleman or a lady1 whose timidity or bashfulness1 shows them unaccustomed to meeting others1 endeavor1 by your own gentleness and courtesy1 to place them more at ease1 and introduce to them those who will aid you in this endeavor4 #gh4 ,if1 when walking with a gentleman friend1 you meet a lady to whom your friend bows1 you1 too1 must touch or raise your hat1 though you are not acquainted with the lady4 #gi4 ,although it is now very much the custom1 in many wealthy families1 for the butler to remove the dishes from the table and carve them on the sideboard1 thus saving trouble to the master or mistress of the house1 and time to the guests1 the practice is not so general even amongst what are called the higher classes of society that general instructions for carving will be uninteresting to them1 to say nothing of the more numerous class1 who1 although enabled to place good dishes before their friends1 are not wealthy enough to keep a butler if they were so inclined4 ,good carving is1 to a certain extent1 indicative of good society1 for it proves to company that the host does not give a dinner party for the first time1 but is accustomed to receive friends1 and frequently to dispense the cheer of a hospitable board4 ,the master or mistress of a house1 who does not know how to carve1 is not unfrequently looked upon as an ignorant parvenu1 as a person who cannot take a hand at whist1 in good society1 is regarded as one who has passed his time in the parlor of a public house1 playing at cribbage or all fours4 ,independently1 however1 of the importance of knowing how to carve well1 for the purpose of regaling one's friends and acquaintances1 the science1 and it is a science1 is a valuable acquirement for any man1 as it enables him1 at a public or private dinner1 to render valuable aid4 ,there are many diners-out who are welcome merely because they know how to carve4 ,some men amuse by their conversation2 others are favorites because they can sing a good song2 but the man who makes himself useful and agreeable to all1 is he who carves with elegance and speed4 ,we recommend the novice in this art1 to keep a watchful eye upon every superior carver whom he may meet at dinner4 ,in this way he will soon become well versed in the art and mystery of cutting up4 #hj4 ,years may pass over our heads without affording an opportunity for acts of high beneficence or extensive utility2 whereas1 not a day passes1 but in common transactions of life1 and1 especially in the intercourse of society1 courtesy finds place for promoting the happiness of others1 and for strengthening in ourselves the habits of unselfish politeness4 ,there are situations1 not a few1 in human life1 when an encouraging reception1 a condescending behaviour1 and a look of sympathy1 bring greater relief to the heart than the most bountiful gift4 #ha4 ,cecil says1 ,you may easily make a sensation--but a sensation is a vulgar triumph4 ,to keep up the sensation of an excitement1 you must be always standing on your head 7morally speaking71 and the attitude1 like everything overstrained1 would become fatiguing to yourself and tedious to others4 ,whereas1 to obtain permanent favor1 as an agreeable1 well-bred man1 requires simply an exercise of the understanding4 #hb4 ,there is no vice more truly ungentlemanly than that of using profane language4 ,lamont says3 ,whatever fortune may be made by perjury1 ,i believe there never was a man who made a fortune by common swearing4 ,it often appears that men pay for swearing1 but it seldom happens that they are paid for it4 ,it is not easy to perceive what honor or credit is connected with it4 ,does any man receive promotion because he is a notable blusterer8 ,or is any man advanced to dignity because he is expert at profane swearing8 ,never4 ,low must be the character which such impertinence will exalt3 high must be the character which such impertinence will not degrade4 ,inexcusable1 therefore1 must be the practice which has neither reason nor passion to support it4 ,the drunkard has his cups2 the satirist1 his revenge2 the ambitious man1 his preferments2 the miser1 his gold2 but the common swearer has nothing2 he is a fool at large1 sells his soul for nought1 and drudges in the service of the devil gratis4 ,swearing is void of all plea2 it is not the native offspring of the soul1 nor interwoven with the texture of the body1 nor1 anyhow1 allied to our frame4 ,for1 as ,tillotson expresses it1 ',though some men pour out oaths as if they were natural1 yet no man was ever born of a swearing constitution4' ,but it is a custom1 a low and a paltry custom1 picked up by low and paltry spirits who have no sense of honor1 no regard to decency1 but are forced to substitute some rhapsody of nonsense to supply the vacancy of good sense4 ,hence1 the silliness of the practice can only be equalled by the silliness of those who adopt it4 #hc4 ,dr4 ,johnson says that to converse well there must1 in the first place1 be knowledge--there must be materials2 in the second place1 there must be a command of words2 in the third place1 there must be imagination to place things in such views as they are not commonly seen in2 and1 in the fourth place1 there must be a presence of mind1 and a resolution that is not to be overcome by failure--this last is an essential requisite2 for want of it1 many people do not excel in conversation4 #hd4 ,do not constantly endeavor to draw the attention of all upon yourself when in company4 ,leave room for your hearers to imagine something within you beyond what you speak2 and1 remember1 the more you are praised the more you will be envied4 #he4 ,be very careful to treat with attention and respect those who have lately met with misfortunes1 or have suffered from loss of fortune4 ,such persons are apt to think themselves slighted1 when no such thing is intended4 ,their minds1 being already sore1 feel the least rub very severely1 and who would thus cruelly add affliction to the afflicted8 ,not the gentleman certainly4 #hf4 ,there is hardly any bodily blemish which a winning behavior will not conceal or make tolerable2 and there is no external grace which ill-nature or affectation will not deform4 #hg4 ,good humor is the only shield to keep off the darts of the satirist2 but if you are the first to laugh at a jest made upon yourself1 others will laugh with you instead of at you4 #hh4 ,whenever you see a person insult his inferiors1 you may feel assured that he is the man who will be servile and cringing to his superiors2 and he who acts the bully to the weak1 will play the coward when with the strong4 #hi4 ,maintain1 in every word1 a strict regard for perfect truth4 ,do not think of one falsity as harmless1 another as slight1 a third as unintended4 ,cast them all aside4 ,they may be light and accidental1 but they are an ugly soot from the smoke of the pit for all that1 and it is better to have your heart swept clean of them1 without stopping to consider whether they are large and black4 #ij4 ,the advantage and necessity of cheerfulness and intelligent intercourse with the world is strongly to be recommended4 ,a man who keeps aloof from society and lives only for himself1 does not fulfil the wise intentions of ,providence1 who designed that we should be a mutual help and comfort to each other in life4 #ia4 ,chesterfield says1 ,merit and good breeding will make their way everywhere4 ,knowledge will introduce man1 and good breeding will endear him to the best companies2 for1 politeness and good breeding are absolutely necessary to adorn any1 or all1 other good qualities or talents4 ,without them1 no knowledge1 no perfection whatever1 is seen in its best light4 ,the scholar1 without good breeding1 is a pedant2 the philosopher1 a cynic2 the soldier1 a brute2 and every man disagreeable4 #ib4 ,it is very seldom that a man may permit himself to tell stories in society2 they are1 generally1 tedious1 and1 to many present1 will probably have all the weariness of a twice-told tale4 ,a short1 brilliant anecdote1 which is especially applicable to the conversation going on1 is all that a well-bred man will ever permit himself to inflict4 #ic4 ,it is better to take the tone of the society into which you are thrown1 than to endeavor to lead others after you4 ,the way to become truly popular is to be grave with the grave1 jest with the gay1 and converse sensibly with those who seek to display their sense4 #id4 ,watch each of your actions1 when in society1 that all the habits which you contract there may be useful and good ones4 ,like flakes of snow that fall unperceived upon the earth1 the seemingly unimportant events of life succeed one another4 ,as the snow gathers together1 so are our habits formed4 ,no single flake that is added to the pile produces a sensible change--no single action creates1 however it may exhibit1 a man's character2 but1 as the tempest hurls the avalanche down the mountain1 and overwhelms the inhabitant and his habitation1 so passion1 acting upon the elements of mischief1 which pernicious habits have brought together by imperceptible accumulation1 may overthrow the edifice of truth and virtue4 #ie4 ,there is no greater fault in good breeding than too great diffidence4 ,shyness cramps every motion1 clogs every word4 ,the only way to overcome the fault is to mix constantly in society1 and the habitual intercourse with others will give you the graceful ease of manner which shyness utterly destroys4 #if4 ,if you are obliged to leave a large company at an early hour1 take ,french leave4 ,slip away unperceived1 if you can1 but1 at any rate1 without any formal leave-taking4 #ig4 ,avoid quarrels4 ,if you are convinced1 even1 that you have the right side in an argument1 yield your opinion gracefully1 if this is the only way to avoid a quarrel1 saying1 ,we cannot agree1 ,i see1 but this inability must not deprive me of a friend1 so we will discuss the subject no further4 ,few men will be able to resist your courtesy and good nature1 but many would try to combat an obstinate adherence to your own side of the question4 #ih4 ,avoid the filthy habit of which foreigners in this country so justly complain--,i mean spitting4 #ii4 ,if any one bows to you in the street1 return the bow4 ,it may be an acquaintance whose face you do not immediately recognize1 and if it is a stranger who mistakes you for another1 your courteous bow will relieve him from the embarrassment arising from his mistake4 #ajj4 ,the following hints on conversation conclude the chapter3-- ,conversation may be carried on successfully by persons who have no idea that it is or may be an art1 as clever things are sometimes done without study4 ,but there can be no certainty of good conversation in ordinary circumstances1 and amongst ordinary minds1 unless certain rules be observed1 and certain errors be avoided4 ,the first and greatest rule unquestionably is1 that all must be favorably disposed towards each other1 and willing to be pleased4 ,there must be no sullen or uneasy-looking person--no one who evidently thinks he has fallen into unsuitable company1 and whose sole aim it is to take care lest his dignity be injured--no one whose feelings are of so morose or ascetic a kind that he cannot join without observable pain and hesitation in the playfulness of the scene--no matter-of-fact person1 who takes all things literally1 and means all things literally1 and thinks it as great a crime to say something in jest as to do it in earnest4 ,one of any of these classes of persons is sufficient to mar the enjoyments of a hundred4 ,the matter-of-factish may do very well with the matter-of-factish1 the morose with the morose1 the stilted with the stilted2 and they should accordingly keep amongst themselves respectively4 ,but1 for what is generally recognized as agreeable conversation1 minds exempted from these peculiarities are required4 ,the ordinary rules of politeness are1 of course1 necessary--no rudeness1 no offence to each other's self-esteem2 on the contrary1 much mutual deference is required1 in order to keep all the elements of a company sweet4 ,sometimes1 however1 there is a very turbid kind of conversation1 where there is no want of common good breeding4 ,this1 most frequently1 arises from there being too great a disposition to speak1 and too small a disposition to listen4 ,too many are eager to get their ideas expressed1 or to attract attention2 and the consequence is1 that nothing is heard but broken snatches and fragments of discourse1 in which there is neither profit nor entertainment4 ,no man listens to what another has to say1 and then makes a relative or additionally illustrative remark4 ,one may be heard for a minute1 or half a minute1 but it is with manifest impatience2 and the moment he is done1 or stops to draw breath1 the other plunges in with what he had to say1 being something quite of another strain1 and referring to another subject4 ,he in his turn is interrupted by a third1 with the enunciation of some favorite ideas of his1 equally irrelative2 and thus conversation becomes no conversation1 but a contention for permission to speak a few hurried words1 which nobody cares to hear1 or takes the trouble to answer4 ,meanwhile1 the modest and weak sit silent and ungratified4 ,the want of regulation is here very manifest4 ,it would be better to have a president who should allow everybody a minute in succession to speak without interruption1 than thus to have freedom1 and so monstrously to abuse it4 ,the only remedy1 as far as meetings by invitation are concerned1 is to take care that no more eager talkers are introduced than are absolutely necessary to prevent conversation from flagging4 ,one to every six or eight persons is the utmost that can be safely allowed4 ,the danger of introducing politics1 or any other notoriously controversial subject1 in mixed companies1 is so generally acknowledged1 that conversation is in little danger--at least in polite circles--from that source4 ,but wranglements1 nevertheless1 are apt to arise4 ,very frequently the company falls together by the ears in consequence of the starting of some topic in which facts are concerned--with which facts no one chances to be acquainted4 ,conversation is often much spoilt through slight inattentions or misapprehensions on the part of a particular member of the company4 ,in the midst of some interesting narrative or discussion1 he suddenly puts all to a stop1 in order that some little perplexity may be explained1 which he could never have fallen into1 if he had been paying a fair degree of attention to what was going on4 ,or he has some precious prejudice jarred upon by something said1 or supposed to be said1 and all is at a stand1 till he has been1 through the united exertions of a vexed company1 re-assured and put at his ease4 ,often the most frivolous interruption from such causes will disconcert the whole strain of the conversation1 and spoil the enjoyment of a score of people4 ,the eager speakers1 already alluded to1 are a different class from those who may be called the determinedly loquacious4 ,a thoroughly loquacious man has no idea of anything but a constant outpouring of talk from his own mouth4 ,if he stops for a moment1 he thinks he is not doing his duty to the company2 and1 anxious that there should be no cause of complaint against him on that score1 he rather repeats a sentence1 or gives the same idea in different words1 or hums and haws a little1 than allow the least pause to take place4 ,the notion that any other body can be desirous of saying a word1 never enters his head4 ,he would as soon suppose that a beggar was anxious to bestow alms upon him1 as that any one could wish to speak1 as long as he himself was willing to save them the trouble4 ,any attempt to interrupt him is quite hopeless4 ,the only effect of the sound of another voice is to raise the sound of his own1 so as to drown it4 ,even to give a slight twist or turn to the flow of his ideas1 is scarce possible4 ,when a decided attempt is made to get in a few words1 he only says1 with an air of offended feeling1 set off with a tart courtesy1 ',allow me1 sir1' or1 ',when you are done1 sir2' as if he were a man whom nobody would allow1 on any occasion1 to say all he had to say4 ,if1 however1 he has been permitted to talk on and on incessantly a whole evening1 to the complete closing of the mouths of the rest1 he goes away with all the benevolent glow of feeling which arises from a gratified faculty1 remarking to the gentleman who takes his arm1 ',what a great deal of pleasant conversation we have had6' and chatters forth all the way home such sentences as1 ',excellent fellow1 our host1' 'charming wife1' 'delightful family altogether1' 'always make everybody so happy4' ,another class of spoilers of conversation are the loud talkers or blusterers4 ,they are not numerous1 but one is enough to destroy the comfort of thirty people for a whole evening4 ,the least opposition to any of his ideas makes the blusterer rise in his might1 and bellow1 and roar1 and bellow again1 till the whole company is in something like the condition of neas's fleet after ,eolus has done his worst4 ,the society enjoyed by this kind of man is a series of first invitations4 ,while blusterers and determinedly loquacious persons are best left to themselves1 and while endless worryings on unknown things are to be avoided1 it is necessary both that one or two good conversationists should be at every party1 and that the strain of the conversation should not be allowed to become too tame4 ,in all invited parties1 eight of every ten persons are disposed to hold their peace1 or to confine themselves to monosyllabic answers to commonplace inquiries4 ,it is necessary1 therefore1 that there should be some who can speak1 and that fluently1 if not entertainingly--only not too many4 ,but all engrossing of conversation1 and all turbulence1 and over-eagerness1 and egotism1 are to be condemned4 ,a very soft and quiet manner has1 at last1 been settled upon1 in the more elevated circles1 as the best for conversation4 ,perhaps they carry it to a pitch of affectation2 but1 yet1 when we observe the injurious consequences of the opposite style in less polite companies1 it is not easy to avoid the conclusion that the great folks are1 upon the whole1 right4 ,in the courtly scene1 no one has his ears offended with loud and discordant tones1 no one is condemned to absolute silence4 ,all display in conversation will not depend on the accidental and external quality of strength of voice1 as it must do where a loud and contentious style of talking is allowed2 the soft-toned and the weak-lunged will have as good a chance as their more robust neighbors2 and it will be possible for all both to speak and to hear4 ,there may be another advantage in its being likely to produce less mental excitement than the more turbulent kind of society4 ,but regulation is1 we are persuaded1 the thing most of all wanted in the conversational meetings of the middle classes4 ,people interrupt each other too much--are too apt to run away into their own favorite themes1 without caring for the topic of their neighbors--too frequently wrangle about trifles4 ,the regularity of a debating society would be intolerable2 but some certain degree of method might certainly be introduced with great advantage4 ,there should1 at least1 be a vigorous enforcement of the rule against more than one speaking at a time1 even though none of those waiting for their turn should listen to a word he says4 ,without this there may be much talk1 and even some merriment1 but no conversation4 ,,chapter ,,xii4 ,,parties4 ,now1 there are many different kinds of parties4 ,there are the evening party1 the matine1 the reading1 dancing1 and singing parties1 the picnic1 the boating1 and the riding parties2 and the duties for each one are distinct1 yet1 in many points1 similar4 ,our present subject is3-- ,,the ,,evening ,,party4 ,these are of two kinds1 large and small4 ,for the first1 you will receive a formal card1 containing the compliments of your hostess for a certain evening1 and this calls for full dress1 a dress coat1 and white or very light gloves4 ,to the small party you will probably be invited verbally1 or by a more familiar style of note than the compliment card4 ,here you may wear gloves if you will1 but you need not do so unless perfectly agreeable to yourself4 ,if you are to act as escort to a lady1 you must call at the hour she chooses to name1 and the most elegant way is to take a carriage for her4 ,if you wish to present a bouquet1 you may do so with perfect propriety1 even if you have but a slight acquaintance with her4 ,when you reach the house of your hostess for the evening1 escort your companion to the dressing-room1 and leave her at the door4 ,after you have deposited your own hat and great-coat in the gentlemen's dressing-room1 return to the ladies' door and wait for your companion4 ,offer her your right arm1 and lead her to the drawing-room1 and1 at once1 to the hostess1 then take her to a seat1 and remain with her until she has other companions1 before you seek any of your own friends in the room4 ,there is much more real enjoyment and sociability in a well-arranged party1 than in a ball1 though many of the points of etiquette to be observed in the latter are equally applicable to the former4 ,there is more time allowed for conversation1 and1 as there are not so many people collected1 there is also more opportunity for forming acquaintances4 ,at a soire1 par excellence1 music1 dancing1 and conversation are all admissible1 and if the hostess has tact and discretion this variety is very pleasing4 ,as there are many times when there is no pianist or music engaged for dancing1 you will do well1 if you are a performer on the piano-forte1 to learn some quadrilles1 and round dances1 that you may volunteer your services as orchestra4 ,do not1 in this case1 wait to be solicited to play1 but offer your services to the hostess1 or1 if there is a lady at the piano1 ask permission to relieve her4 ,to turn the leaves for another1 and sometimes call figures1 are also good natured and well-bred actions4 ,there is one piece of rudeness very common at parties1 against which ,i would caution you4 ,young people very often form a group1 and indulge in the most boisterous merriment and loud laughter1 for jests known only to themselves4 ,do not join such a group4 ,a well-bred man1 while he is cheerful and gay1 will avoid any appearance of romping in society4 ,if dancing is to be the amusement for the evening1 your first dance should be with the lady whom you accompanied1 then1 invite your hostess1 and1 if there are several ladies in the family you must invite each of them once1 in the course of the evening4 ,if you go alone1 invite the ladies of the house before dancing with any of your other lady friends4 ,never attempt any dance with which you are not perfectly familiar4 ,nothing is more awkward and annoying than to have one dancer1 by his ignorance of the figures1 confuse all the others in the set1 and certainly no man wants to show off his ignorance of the steps of a round dance before a room full of company4 ,do not devote yourself too much to one lady4 ,a party is meant to promote sociability1 and a man who persists in a tte--tte for the evening1 destroys this intention4 ,besides you prevent others from enjoying the pleasure of intercourse with the lady you thus monopolize4 ,avoid any affectation of great intimacy with any lady present2 and even if you really enjoy such intimacy1 or she is a relative1 do not appear to have confidential conversation1 or1 in any other way1 affect airs of secrecy or great familiarity4 ,dance easily and gracefully1 keeping perfect time1 but not taking too great pains with your steps4 ,if your whole attention is given to your feet or carriage1 you will probably be mistaken for a dancing master4 ,when you conduct your partner to a seat after a dance1 you may sit or stand beside her to converse1 unless you see that another gentleman is waiting to invite her to dance4 ,do not take the vacant seat next a lady unless you are acquainted with her4 ,after dancing1 do not offer your hand1 but your arm1 to conduct your partner to her seat4 ,if music is called for and you are able to play or sing1 do so when first invited1 or1 if you refuse then1 do not afterwards comply4 ,if you refuse1 and then alter your mind you will either be considered a vain coxcomb1 who likes to be urged2 or some will conclude that you refused at first from mere caprice1 for1 if you had a good reason for declining1 why change your mind8 ,never offer to turn the leaves of music for any one playing1 unless you can read the notes1 for you run the risk of confusing them1 by turning too soon or too late4 ,if you sing a good second1 never sing with a lady unless she herself invites you4 ,her friends may wish to hear you sing together1 when she herself may not wish to sing with one to whose voice and time she is unaccustomed4 ,do not start a conversation whilst any one is either playing or singing1 and if another person commences one1 speak in a tone that will not prevent others from listening to the music4 ,if you play yourself1 do not wait for silence in the room before you begin4 ,if you play well1 those really fond of music will cease to converse1 and listen to you2 and those who do not care for it1 will not stop talking if you wait upon the piano stool until day dawn4 ,relatives should avoid each other at a party1 as they can enjoy one another's society at home1 and it is the constantly changing intercourse1 and complete sociability that make a party pleasant4 ,private concerts and amateur theatricals are very often the occasions for evening parties1 and make a very pleasant variety on the usual dancing and small talk4 ,an ,english writer1 speaking of them1 says3 ,private concerts and amateur theatricals ought to be very good to be successful4 ,professionals alone should be engaged for the former1 none but real amateurs for the latter4 ,both ought to be1 but rarely are1 followed by a supper1 since they are generally very fatiguing1 if not positively trying4 ,in any case1 refreshments and ices should be handed between the songs and the acts4 ,private concerts are often given in the 'morning1' that is1 from two to six ,p4 ,m42 in the evening their hours are from eight to eleven4 ,the rooms should be arranged in the same manner as for a reception1 the guests should be seated1 and as music is the avowed object1 a general silence preserved while it lasts4 ,between the songs the conversation ebbs back again1 and the party takes the general form of a reception4 ,for private theatricals1 however1 where there is no special theatre1 and where the curtain is hung1 as is most common1 between the folding-doors1 the audience-room must be filled with chairs and benches in rows1 and1 if possible1 the back rows raised higher than the others4 ,these are often removed when the performance is over1 and the guests then converse1 or1 sometimes1 even dance4 ,during the acting it is rude to talk1 except in a very low tone1 and1 be it good or bad1 you would never think of hissing4 ,if you are alone1 and obliged to retire early from an evening party1 do not take leave of your hostess1 but slip away unperceived4 ,if you have escorted a lady1 her time must be yours1 and she will tell you when she is ready to go4 ,see whether the carriage has arrived before she goes to the dressing-room1 and return to the parlor to tell her4 ,if the weather was pleasant when you left home1 and you walked1 ascertain whether it is still pleasant2 if not1 procure a carriage for your companion4 ,when it is at the door1 join her in the drawing-room1 and offer your arm to lead her to the hostess for leave-taking1 making your own parting bow at the same time1 then take your companion to the door of the ladies' dressing-room1 get your own hat and wait in the entry until she comes out4 ,when you reach your companion's house1 do not accept her invitation to enter1 but ask permission to call in the morning1 or the following evening1 and make that call4 ,,chapter ,,xiii4 ,,courtesy ,,at ,,home4 ,there are many men in this world1 who would be horror struck if accused of the least breach of etiquette towards their friends and acquaintances abroad1 and yet1 who will at home utterly disregard the simplest rules of politeness1 if such rules interfere in the least with their own selfish gratification4 ,they disregard the pure and holy ties which should make courtesy at home a pleasure as well as a duty4 ,they forget that home has a sweet poetry of its own1 created out of the simplest materials1 yet1 haunting1 more or less1 the secret recesses of every human heart2 it is divided into a thousand separate poems1 which should be full of individual interest1 little quiet touches of feeling and golden recollections1 which1 in the heart of a truly noble man1 are interwoven with his very being4 ,common things are1 to him1 hallowed and made beautiful by the spell of memory and association1 owing all their glory to the halo of his own pure1 fond affection4 ,the eye of a stranger rests coldly on such revelations2 their simple pathos is hard to be understood2 and they smile oftentimes at the quaintness of those passages which make others weep4 ,with the beautiful instinct of true affection1 home love retains only the good4 ,there were clouds then1 even as now1 darkening the horizon of daily life1 and breaking tears or wild storms above our heads2 but he remembers nothing save the sunshine1 and fancies somehow that it has never shone so bright since6 ,how little it took to make him happy in those days1 aye1 and sad also2 but it was a pleasant sadness1 for he wept only over a flower or a book4 ,but let us turn to our first poem2 and in using this term we allude1 of course1 to the poetry of idea1 rather than that of the measure2 beauty of which is so often lost to us from a vague feeling that it cannot exist without rhythm4 ,but pause and listen1 first of all1 gentle reader1 to the living testimony of a poet heart1 brimful1 and gushing over with home love3--,there are not1 in the unseen world1 voices more gentle and more true1 that may be more implicitly relied on1 or that are so certain to give none but the tenderest counsel1 as the voices in which the spirits of the fireside and the hearth address themselves to human kind6 ,the man who shows his contempt for these holy ties and associations by pulling off his mask of courtesy as soon as his foot passes his own threshold1 is not really a gentleman1 but a selfish tyrant1 whose true qualities are not courtesy and politeness1 but a hypocritical affectation of them1 assumed to obtain a footing in society4 ,avoid such men4 ,even though you are one of the favored ones abroad who receive their gentle courtesy1 you may rest assured that the heartless egotism which makes them rude and selfish at home1 will make their friendship but a name1 if circumstances ever put it to the test4 ,above all1 avoid their example4 ,in what does the home circle consist8 ,first1 there are the parents who have watched over your infancy and childhood1 and whom you are commanded by the ,highest ,power to honor4 ,then the brothers and sisters1 the wife who has left her own home and all its tender ties for your sake1 and the children who look to you for example1 guidance1 and instruction4 ,who else on the broad earth can lay the same claim to your gentleness and courtesy that they can8 ,if you are rude at home1 then is your politeness abroad a mere cloak to conceal a bad1 selfish heart4 ,the parents who have anxiously watched over your education1 have the first right to the fruits of it1 and all the gentleman should be exerted to repay them for the care they have taken of you since your birth4 ,all the rules of politeness1 of generosity1 of good nature1 patience1 and respectful affection should be exerted for your parents4 ,you owe to them a pure1 filial love1 void of personal interest1 which should prompt you to study all their tastes1 their likes1 and aversions1 in order to indulge the one and avoid the other2 you owe to them polite attention1 deference to all their wishes1 and compliance with their requests4 ,every joy will be doubled to them1 if you show a frank pleasure in its course1 and no comfort can soothe the grief of a parent so much as the sympathizing love of a dutiful son4 ,if they are old1 dependent upon you for support1 then can you still better prove to them that the tender care they lavished upon you1 when you depended upon their love for everything1 was not lost1 but was good seed sown upon fruitful ground4 ,nay1 if with the infirmities of age come the crosses of bad temper1 or exacting selfishness1 your duty still lies as plainly before you4 ,it is but the promptings of natural affection that will lead you to love and cherish an indulgent parent2 but it is a pure1 high virtue which makes a son love and cherish with an equal affection a selfish1 negligent mother1 or a tyrannical1 harsh father4 ,no failure in their duty can excuse you if you fail in yours2 and1 even if they are wicked1 you are not to be their judge1 but1 while you detest and avoid their sin1 you must still love the sinner4 ,nothing but the grossest and most revolting brutality could make a man reproach his parents with the feebleness of age or illness1 or the incapacity to exert their talents for support4 ,an eminent writer1 in speaking of a man's duties1 says3 ,do all in your power to render your parents comfortable and happy2 if they are aged and infirm1 be with them as often as you can1 carry them tokens of your love1 and show them that you feel a tender interest in their happiness4 ,be all to your parents1 which you would wish your children to be to you4 ,next1 in the home circle1 come your brothers and sisters1 and here you will find the little courtesies1 which1 as a gentleman1 should be habitual to you1 will ensure the love a man should most highly prize1 the love of his brother and sister4 ,next to his filial love1 this is the first tie of his life1 and should be valued as it deserves4 ,if you are the eldest of the family1 you may1 by your example1 influence your brothers to good or evil1 and win or alienate the affections of your little sisters4 ,there is scarcely a more enthusiastic affection in the world than that a sister feels for an elder brother4 ,even though he may not repay the devotion as it deserves1 she will generally cherish it1 and invest him with the most heroic qualities1 while her tender little heart1 though it may quiver with the pain of a harsh word or rude action1 will still try to find an excuse for brother's want of affection4 ,if you show an interest in the pursuits of the little circle at whose head your age entitles you to stand1 you will soon find they all look up to you1 seek your advice1 crave your sympathy1 and follow your example4 ,the eldest son holds a most responsible position4 ,should death or infirmity deprive him of a father's counsel1 he should be prepared to stand forth as the head of the family1 and take his father's place towards his mother and the younger children4 ,every man should feel1 that in the character and dignity of his sisters his own honor is involved4 ,an insult or affront offered to them1 becomes one to him1 and he is the person they will look to for protection1 and to prevent its repetition4 ,by his own manner to them he can ensure to them the respect or contempt of other men whom they meet when in his society4 ,how can he expect that his friends will treat his sisters with gentleness1 respect1 and courtesy1 if they see him constantly rude1 disrespectful1 and contemptuous towards them8 ,but1 if his own manner is that of affectionate respect1 he need not fear for them rudeness from others1 while they are under his protection4 ,an ,american writer says3-- ,nothing in a family strikes the eye of a visitor with more delight than to see brothers treat their sisters with kindness1 civility1 attention1 and love4 ,on the contrary1 nothing is more offensive or speaks worse for the honor of a family1 than that coarse1 rude1 unkind manner which brothers sometimes exhibit4 ,the same author says3-- ,beware how you speak of your sisters4 ,even gold is tarnished by much handling4 ,if you speak in their praise--of their beauty1 learning1 manners1 wit1 or attentions--you will subject them to taunt and ridicule2 if you say anything against them1 you will bring reproach upon yourself and them too4 ,if you have occasion to speak of them1 do it with modesty and few words4 ,let others do all the praising and yourself enjoy it4 ,if you are separated from them1 maintain with them a correspondence4 ,this will do yourself good as well as them4 ,do not neglect this duty1 nor grow remiss in it4 ,give your friendly advice and seek theirs in return4 ,as they mingle intimately with their sex1 they can enlighten your mind respecting many particulars relating to female character1 important for you to know2 and1 on the other hand1 you have the same opportunity to do them a similar service4 ,however long or widely separated from them1 keep up your fraternal affection and intercourse4 ,it is ominous of evil when a young man forgets his sister4 ,if you are living at home with them1 you may do them a thousand little services1 which will cost you nothing but pleasure1 and which will greatly add to theirs4 ,if they wish to go out in the evening--to a lecture1 concert1 a visit1 or any other object1--always be happy1 if possible1 to wait upon them4 ,consider their situation1 and think how you would wish them to treat you if the case were reversed4 ,a young man once said to an elderly lady1 who expressed her regret at his having taken some trouble and denied himself a pleasure to gratify her3-- ,madam1 ,i am far away from my mother and sisters now1 but when ,i was at home1 my greatest pleasure was to protect them and gratify all their wishes2 let me now place you in their stead1 and you will not have cause again to feel regret1 for you can think 'he must love to deny himself for one who represents his mother4' ,the old lady afterwards spoke of him as a perfect gentleman1 and was contradicted by a younger person who quoted some fault in etiquette committed by the young man in company4 ,ah1 that may be1 said her friend2 but what ,i call a gentleman1 is not the man who performs to the minutest point all the little ceremonies of society1 but the one whose heart prompts him to be polite at home4 ,if you have left the first home circle1 that comprising your parents1 brothers1 and sisters1 to take up the duties of a husband and father1 you must carry to your new home the same politeness ,i have advised you to exert in the home of your childhood4 ,your wife claims your courtesy more now1 even1 than when you were courting her4 ,she has given up1 for your sake1 all the freedom and pleasures of her maidenhood1 and to you she looks for a love that will replace them all4 ,can you disappoint that trusting affection8 ,before your marriage you thought no stretch of courtesy too great1 if the result was to afford her pleasure2 why1 then1 not strive to keep her love1 by the same gentle courtesy you exerted to win it8 ,a delicate attention to the minute wants and wishes of your wife1 will tend1 more than anything else1 to the promotion of your domestic happiness4 ,it requires no sacrifices1 occupies but a small degree of attention1 yet is the fertile source of bliss2 since it convinces the object of your regard1 that1 with the duties of a husband1 you have united the more punctilious behaviour of a lover4 ,these trivial tokens of regard certainly make much way in the affections of a woman of sense and discernment1 who looks not to the value of the gifts she receives1 but perceives in their frequency a continued evidence of the existence and ardor of that love on which the superstructure of her happiness has been erected4 ,the strongest attachment will decline1 if you receive it with diminished warmth4 ,mrs4 ,thrale gives the following advice1 which is worth the consideration of every young man3 ,after marriage1 she says1 when your violence of passion subsides1 and a more cool and tranquil affection takes its place1 be not hasty to censure as indifferent1 or to lament yourself as unhappy2 you have lost that only which it is impossible to retain2 and it were graceless amidst the pleasures of a prosperous summer1 to regret the blossoms of a transient spring4 ,neither unwarily condemn your bride's insipidity1 till you have recollected that no object1 however sublime1 no sound1 however charming1 can continue to transport us with delight1 when they no longer strike us with novelty4 ,the skill to renovate the powers of pleasing is said1 indeed1 to be possessed by some women in an eminent degree1 but the artifices of maturity are seldom seen to adorn the innocence of youth4 ,you have made your choice and ought to approve it4 ,to be happy1 we must always have something in view4 ,turn1 therefore1 your attention to her mind1 which will daily grow brighter by polishing4 ,study some easy science together1 and acquire a similarity of tastes1 while you enjoy a community of pleasures4 ,you will1 by this means1 have many pursuits in common1 and be freed from the necessity of separating to find amusement2 endeavor to cement the present union on every side2 let your wife never be kept ignorant of your income1 your expenses1 your friendships1 or your aversions2 let her know your very faults1 but make them amiable by your virtues2 consider all concealment as a breach of fidelity2 let her never have anything to find out in your character1 and remember that from the moment one of the partners turns spy upon the other1 they have commenced a state of hostility4 ,seek not for happiness in singularity1 and dread a refinement of wisdom as a deviation into folly4 ,listen not to those sages who advise you always to scorn the counsel of a woman1 and if you comply with her requests pronounce you to be wife-ridden4 ,think not any privation1 except of positive evil1 an excellence2 and do not congratulate yourself that your wife is not a learned lady1 or is wholly ignorant how to make a pudding4 ,cooking and learning are both good in their places1 and may both be used with advantage4 ,with regard to expense1 ,i can only observe1 that the money laid out in the purchase of luxuries is seldom or ever profitably employed4 ,we live in an age when splendid furniture and glittering equipage are grown too common to catch the notice of the meanest spectator2 and for the greater ones1 they can only regard our wasteful folly with silent contempt or open indignation4 ,this may1 perhaps1 be a displeasing reflection2 but the following consideration ought to make amends4 ,the age we live in pays1 ,i think1 a peculiar attention to the higher distinctions of wit1 knowledge1 and virtue1 to which we may more safely1 more cheaply1 and more honorably aspire4 ,the person of your lady will not grow more pleasing to you2 but1 pray1 let her not suspect that it grows less so4 ,there is no reproof1 however pointed1 no punishment1 however severe1 that a woman of spirit will not prefer to neglect2 and if she can endure it without complaint1 it only proves that she means to make herself amends by the attention of others for the slights of her husband4 ,for this1 and for every other reason1 it behoves a married man not to let his politeness fail1 though his ardour may abate2 but to retain1 at least1 that general civility towards his own lady which he is willing to pay to every other1 and not show a wife of eighteen or twenty years old1 that every man in company can treat her with more complaisance than he who so often vowed to her eternal fondness4 ,it is not my opinion that a young woman should be indulged in every wild wish of her gay heart1 or giddy head2 but contradiction may be softened by domestic kindness1 and quiet pleasures substituted in the place of noisy ones4 ,public amusements1 indeed1 are not so expensive as is sometimes imagined2 but they tend to alienate the minds of married people from each other4 ,a well-chosen society of friends and acquaintances1 more eminent for virtue and good sense than for gaiety and splendor1 where the conversation of the day may afford comment for the evening1 seems the most rational pleasure that can be afforded4 ,that your own superiority should always be seen1 but never felt1 seems an excellent general rule4 ,if your wife is disposed towards jealousy of you1 let me beseech you be always explicit with her1 never mysterious4 ,be above delighting in her pain in all things4 ,after your duty to your wife comes that towards the children whom ,god lends to you1 to fit them to return pure and virtuous to him4 ,this is your task1 responsibility1 and trust1 to be undertaken prayerfully1 earnestly1 and humbly1 as the highest and most sacred duty this life ever can afford you4 ,the relationship between parent and child1 is one that appears to have been ordained by ,providence1 to bring the better feelings of mankind and many domestic virtues into active exercise4 ,the implicit confidence with which children1 when properly treated1 look up to their elders for guidance is not less beautiful than endearing2 and no parents can set about the work of guiding aright1 in real earnest1 without deriving as much good as they impart4 ,the feeling with which this labor of love would be carried forward is1 as the poet writes of mercy1 twice blessed3-- ,it blesses him that gives and him that takes4 ,and yet1 in daily life and experience1 how seldom do we find these views realized6 ,children1 in too many instances1 are looked on as anything but a blessing2 they are treated as incumbrances1 or worse2 and the neglect in which they are brought up1 renders it almost impossible for them1 when they grow older1 to know anything properly of moral or social duties4 ,this result we know1 in numerous cases1 is not willful1 does not arise from ill intentions on the part of parents1 but from want of fixed plans and principles4 ,there are hundreds of families in this country whose daily life is nothing better than a daily scramble1 where time and place1 from getting up in the morning to going to bed at night1 are regarded as matters of chance4 ,in such homes as these1 where the inmates are willing to do well1 but don't know how1 a word in season is often welcome4 ,great principles1 we are told1 are at the bottom of all things2 but to apply them to daily life1 many little rules1 precautions1 and insights are needed4 ,the work of training is1 in some degree1 lightened by the fact1 that children are very imitative2 what they see others do1 they will try to do themselves1 and if they see none but good examples1 good conduct on their part may naturally be looked for4 ,children are keen observers1 and are very ready at drawing conclusions when they see a want of correspondence between profession and practice1 in those who have the care of them4 ,at the age of seven1 the child's brain has reached its full growth2 it seldom becomes larger after that period1 and it then contains the germ of all that the man ever accomplishes4 ,here is an additional reason for laying down the precept3--be yourselves what you wish the children to be4 ,when correction is necessary1 let it be administered in such a way as to make the child refrain from doing wrong from a desire to do right1 not for the sole reason that wrong brings punishment4 ,all experience teaches us that if a good thing is to be obtained1 it must be by persevering diligence2 and of all good things1 the pleasure arising from a well-trained family is one of the greatest4 ,parents1 or educators1 have no right to use their children just as whim or prejudice may dictate4 ,children are smaller links in the great social chain1 and bind together in lasting ties many portions which otherwise would be completely disjointed2 their joyousness enlivens many a home1 and their innocence is a powerful check and antidote to much that is evil4 ,the implicit obedience which is required of them1 will always be given when called forth by a spirit of forbearance1 self-sacrifice1 and love3-- ,ere long comes the reward1 ,and for the cares and toils we have endured1 ,repays us joys and pleasures manifold4 ,if you cherish and honor your own parents1 then do you give your children the most forcible teaching for their duty1 example4 ,and your duty to your children requires your example to be good in all things4 ,how can you expect counsel to virtue to have any effect1 if you constantly contradict it by a bad example8 ,do not forget1 that early impressions are deep and lasting1 and from their infancy let them see you keep an upright1 noble walk in life1 then may you hope to see them follow in your footsteps4 ,justice1 as a sentiment1 is inborn1 and no one distinguishes its niceties more quickly than a child4 ,therefore in your rewards and punishments examine carefully every part of their conduct1 and judge calmly1 not hastily1 and be sure you are just4 ,an unmerited reward will make a child question your judgment as much as an unmerited punishment4 ,guard your temper4 ,never reprove a child in the heat of passion4 ,if your sons see that you regard the rules of politeness in your home1 you will find that they treat their mother and sisters with respect and courtesy1 and observe1 even in play1 the rules of etiquette your example teaches2 but if you are a domestic tyrant1 all your elder and stronger children will strive to act like father1 by ill-treating or neglecting the younger and weaker ones4 ,make them1 from the moment they begin to talk1 use pure and grammatical language1 avoid slang phrases1 and1 above all1 profanity4 ,you will find this rule1 enforced during childhood1 will have more effect than a library full of books or the most unwearied instruction can accomplish1 after bad habits in conversation have once been formed4 ,make them1 from early childhood1 observe the rules of politeness towards each other4 ,let your sons treat your daughters as1 when men1 you would have them treat other females1 and let your daughters1 by gentleness and love1 repay these attentions4 ,you may feel sure that the brothers and sisters1 who are polite one to another1 will not err in etiquette when abroad4 ,in the home circle may very properly be included the humble portion1 whose onerous duties are too often repaid by harshness and rudeness2 ,i mean the servants4 ,a true gentleman1 while he never allows familiarity from his servants1 will always remember that they are human beings1 who feel kindness or rudeness as keenly as the more favored ones up stairs4 ,chesterfield says3-- ,there is a certain politeness due to your inferiors1 and whoever is without it1 is without good nature4 ,we do not need to compliment our servants1 nor to talk of their doing us the honor1 c41 but we ought to treat them with benevolence and mildness4 ,we are all of the same species1 and no distinction whatever is between us1 except that which arises from fortune4 ,for example1 your footman and cook would be your equals were they as rich as you4 ,being poor they are obliged to serve you4 ,therefore1 you must not add to their misfortunes by insulting or ill-treating them4 ,if your situation is preferable to theirs1 be thankful1 without either despising them or being vain of your better fortune4 ,you must1 therefore1 treat all your inferiors with affability and good manners1 and not speak to them in a surly tone1 nor with harsh expressions1 as if they were of a different species4 ,a good heart never reminds people of their inferiority1 but endeavors to alleviate their misfortunes1 and make them forget them4 ,example1 says ,mrs4 ,parkes1 is of the greatest importance to our servants1 particularly those who are young1 whose habits are frequently formed by the first service they enter4 ,with the mild and good1 they become softened and improved1 but with the dissipated and violent1 are too often disorderly and vicious4 ,it is1 therefore1 not among the least of the duties incumbent on the head of the family1 to place in their view such examples as are worthy their imitation4 ,but these examples1 otherwise praiseworthy1 should neither be rendered disagreeable1 nor have their force diminished by any accompaniment of ill humor4 ,rather by the happiness and comfort resulting from our conduct towards our domestics1 should they be made sensible of the beauty of virtue4 ,what we admire1 we often strive to imitate1 and thus they may be led on to imitate good principles1 and to form regular and virtuous habits4 ,,chapter ,,xiv4 ,,true ,,courtesy4 ,politeness is the art of pleasing4 ,it is to the deportment what the finer touches of the pencil are to the picture1 or what harmony is to music4 ,in the formation of character1 it is indispensably requisite4 ,we are all1 says ,locke1 a kind of chameleons1 that take a tincture from the objects which surround us4 ,true courtesy1 indeed1 chiefly consists in accommodating ourselves to the feelings of others1 without descending from our own dignity1 or denuding ourselves of our own principles4 ,by constant intercourse with society1 we acquire what is called politeness almost intuitively1 as the shells of the sea are rendered smooth by the unceasing friction of the waves2 though there appears to be a natural grace about the well-bred1 which many feel it difficult to attain4 ,religion itself teaches us to honor all men1 and to do unto others as we would others do unto us4 ,this includes the whole principle of courtesy1 which in this we may remark1 assimilates to the principle of justice4 ,it comprises1 indeed1 all the moral virtues in one1 consisting not merely in external show1 but having its principle in the heart4 ,the politeness which superficial writers are fond of describing1 has been defined as the appearance of all the virtues1 without possessing one of them2 but by this is meant the mere outward parade1 or that kind of artificial adornment of demeanor1 which owes its existence to an over-refinement of civility4 ,anything forced or formal is contrary to the very character of courtesy1 which does not consist in a becoming deportment alone1 but is prompted and guided by a superior mind1 impelling the really polite person to bear with the failings of some1 to overlook the weakness of others1 and to endure patiently the caprices of all4 ,indeed1 one of the essential characteristics of courtesy is good nature1 and an inclination always to look at the bright side of things4 ,the principal rules of politeness are1 to subdue the temper1 to submit to the weakness of our fellow men1 and to render to all their due1 freely and courteously4 ,these1 with the judgment to recommend ourselves to those whom we meet in society1 and the discrimination to know when and to whom to yield1 as well as the discretion to treat all with the deference due to their reputation1 station1 or merit1 comprise1 in general1 the character of a polite man1 over which the admission of even one blot or shade will throw a blemish not easily removed4 ,sincerity is another essential characteristic of courtesy2 for1 without it1 the social system would have no permanent foundation or hope of continuance4 ,it is the want of this which makes society1 what it is said to be1 artificial4 ,good breeding1 in a great measure1 consists in being easy1 but not indifferent2 good humored1 but not familiar2 passive1 but not unconcerned4 ,it includes1 also1 a sensibility nice1 yet correct2 a tact delicate1 yet true4 ,there is a beautiful uniformity in the demeanor of a polite man2 and it is impossible not to be struck with his affable air4 ,there is a golden mean in the art1 which it should be every body's object to attain1 without descending to obsequiousness on the one hand1 or to familiarity on the other4 ,in politeness1 as in everything else1 there is the medium betwixt too much and too little1 betwixt constraint and freedom2 for civilities carried to extreme are wearisome1 and mere ceremony is not politeness1 but the reverse4 ,the truly pious people are the truly courteous4 ,religion1 says ,leighton1 is in this mistaken sometimes1 in that we think it imprints a roughness and austerity upon the mind and carriage4 ,it doth1 indeed1 bar all vanity and lightness1 and all compliance2 but it softens the manners1 tempers the address1 and refines the heart4 ,pride is one of the greatest obstacles to true courtesy that can be mentioned4 ,he who assumes too much on his own merit1 shows that he does not understand the simplest principles of politeness4 ,the feeling of pride is1 of itself1 highly culpable4 ,no man1 whether he be a monarch on the throne1 or the meanest beggar in his realm1 possesses any right to comport himself with a haughty or discourteous air towards his fellow men4 ,the poet truly says3 ,what most ennobles human nature1 ,was ne'er the portion of the proud4 ,it is easy to bestow a kind word1 or assume a gracious smile2 these will recommend us to every one2 while a haughty demeanor1 or an austere look1 may forfeit forever the favor of those whose good opinion we may be anxious to secure4 ,the really courteous man has a thorough knowledge of human nature1 and can make allowances for its weaknesses4 ,he is always consistent with himself4 ,the polite alone know how to make others polite1 as the good alone know how to inspire others with a relish for virtue4 ,having mentioned pride as being opposed to true politeness1 ,i may class affectation with it1 in that respect4 ,affectation is a deviation from1 at the same time that it is an imitation of1 nature4 ,it is the result of bad taste1 and of mistaken notions of one's own qualities4 ,the other vices are limited1 and have each a particular object2 but affectation pervades the whole conduct1 and detracts from the merit of whatever virtues and good dispositions a man may possess4 ,beauty itself loses its attraction1 when disfigured by affectation4 ,even to copy from the best patterns is improper1 because the imitation can never be so good as the original4 ,counterfeit coin is not so valuable as the real1 and when discovered1 it cannot pass current4 ,affectation is a sure sign that there is something to conceal1 rather than anything to be proud of1 in the character and disposition of the persons practicing it4 ,in religion1 affectation1 or1 as it is fitly called1 hypocrisy1 is reprehensible in the highest degree4 ,however grave be their deportment1 of all affected persons1 those who1 without any real foundation1 make too great pretensions to piety1 are certainly the most culpable4 ,the mask serves to conceal innumerable faults1 and1 as has been well remarked1 a false devotion too often usurps the place of the true4 ,we can less secure ourselves against pretenders in matters of religion1 than we can against any other species of impostors2 because the mind being biased in favor of the subject1 consults not reason as to the individual4 ,the conduct of people1 which cannot fail to be considered an evidence of their principles1 ought at all times to be conformable to their pretensions4 ,when ,god alone is all we are concerned for1 we are not solicitous about mere human approbation4 ,hazlitt says3--,few subjects are more nearly allied than these two--vulgarity and affectation4 ,it may be said of them truly that 'thin partitions do their bounds divide4' ,there cannot be a surer proof of a low origin or of an innate meanness of disposition1 than to be always talking and thinking of being genteel4 ,one must feel a strong tendency to that which one is always trying to avoid2 whenever we pretend1 on all occasions1 a mighty contempt for anything1 it is a pretty clear sign that we feel ourselves very nearly on a level with it4 ,of the two classes of people1 ,i hardly know which is to be regarded with most distaste1 the vulgar aping the genteel1 or the genteel constantly sneering at and endeavoring to distinguish themselves from the vulgar4 ,these two sets of persons are always thinking of one another2 the lower of the higher with envy1 the more fortunate of their less happy neighbors with contempt4 ,they are habitually placed in opposition to each other2 jostle in their pretensions at every turn2 and the same objects and train of thought 7only reversed by the relative situations of either party7 occupy their whole time and attention4 ,the one are straining every nerve1 and outraging common sense1 to be thought genteel2 the others have no other object or idea in their heads than not to be thought vulgar4 ,this is but poor spite2 a very pitiful style of ambition4 ,to be merely not that which one heartily despises1 is a very humble claim to superiority2 to despise what one really is1 is still worse4 ,gentility is only a more select and artificial kind of vulgarity4 ,it cannot exist but by a sort of borrowed distinction4 ,it plumes itself up and revels in the homely pretensions of the mass of mankind4 ,it judges of the worth of everything by name1 fashion1 opinion2 and hence1 from the conscious absence of real qualities or sincere satisfaction in itself1 it builds its supercilious and fantastic conceit on the wretchedness and wants of others4 ,violent antipathies are always suspicious1 and betray a secret affinity4 ,the difference between the ',great ,vulgar and the ,small' is mostly in outward circumstances4 ,the coxcomb criticises the dress of the clown1 as the pedant cavils at the bad grammar of the illiterate4 ,those who have the fewest resources in themselves1 naturally seek the food of their self-love elsewhere4 ,the most ignorant people find most to laugh at in strangers2 scandal and satire prevail most in country-places2 and a propensity to ridicule every the slightest or most palpable deviation from what we happen to approve1 ceases with the progress of common sense4 ,true worth does not exult in the faults and deficiencies of others2 as true refinement turns away from grossness and deformity instead of being tempted to indulge in an unmanly triumph over it4 ,raphael would not faint away at the daubing of a sign painter1 nor ,homer hold his head the higher for being in the company of the poorest scribbler that ever attempted poetry4 ,real power1 real excellence1 does not seek for a foil in inferiority1 nor fear contamination from coming in contact with that which is coarse and homely4 ,it reposes on itself1 and is equally free from spleen and affectation4 ,but the spirit of both these small vices is in gentility as the word stands in vulgar minds3 of affected delight in its own would-be qualifications1 and of ineffable disdain poured out upon the involuntary blunders or accidental disadvantages of those whom it chooses to treat as inferiors4 ,the essence of vulgarity1 ,i imagine1 consists in taking manners1 actions1 words1 opinions on trust from others1 without examining one's own feelings or weighing the merits of the case4 ,it is coarseness or shallowness of taste arising from want of individual refinement1 together with the confidence and presumption inspired by example and numbers4 ,it may be defined to be a prostitution of the mind or body to ape the more or less obvious defects of others1 because by so doing we shall secure the suffrages of those we associate with4 ,to affect a gesture1 an opinion1 a phrase1 because it is the rage with a large number of persons1 or to hold it in abhorrence because another set of persons very little1 if at all1 better informed1 cry it down to distinguish themselves from the former1 is in either case equal vulgarity and absurdity4 ,a thing is not vulgar merely because it is common4 ',tis common to breathe1 to see1 to feel1 to live4 ,nothing is vulgar that is natural1 spontaneous1 unavoidable4 ,grossness is not vulgarity1 ignorance is not vulgarity1 awkwardness is not vulgarity2 but all these become vulgar when they are affected1 and shown off on the authority of others1 or to fall in with the fashion or the company we keep4 ,caliban is coarse enough1 but surely he is not vulgar4 ,we might as well spurn the clod under our feet1 and call it vulgar4 ,all slang phrases are vulgar2 but there is nothing vulgar in the common ,english idiom4 ,simplicity is not vulgarity2 but the looking to affectation of any sort for distinction is4 ,to sum up1 it may be said1 that if you wish to possess the good opinion of your fellow men1 the way to secure it is1 to be actually what you pretend to be1 or rather to appear always precisely what you are4 ,never depart from the native dignity of your character1 which you can only maintain irreproachable by being careful not to imitate the vices1 or adopt the follies of others4 ,the best way in all cases you will find to be1 to adhere to truth1 and to abide by the talents and appliances which have been bestowed upon you by ,providence4 ,,chapter ,,xv4 ,,letter ,,writing4 ,there is no branch of a man's education1 no portion of his intercourse with other men1 and no quality which will stand him in good stead more frequently than the capability of writing a good letter upon any and every subject4 ,in business1 in his intercourse with society1 in1 ,i may say1 almost every circumstance of his life1 he will find his pen called into requisition4 ,yet1 although so important1 so almost indispensable an accomplishment1 it is one which is but little cultivated1 and a letter1 perfect in every part1 is a great rarity4 ,in the composition of a good letter there are many points to be considered1 and we take first the simplest and lowest1 namely1 the spelling4 ,many spell badly from ignorance1 but more from carelessness4 ,the latter1 writing rapidly1 make1 very often1 mistakes that would disgrace a schoolboy4 ,if you are in doubt about a word1 do not from a feeling of false shame let the spelling stand in its doubtful position hoping that1 if wrong1 it will pass unnoticed1 but get a dictionary1 and see what is the correct orthography4 ,besides the actual misplacing of letters in a word there is another fault of careless1 rapid writing1 frequently seen4 ,this is to write two words in one1 running them together4 ,i have more than once seen with him written withim1 and for her stand thus1 forer4 ,strange1 too1 as it may seem1 it is more frequently the short1 common words that are misspelled than long ones4 ,they flow from the pen mechanically1 while over an unaccustomed word the writer unconsciously stops to consider the orthography4 ,chesterfield1 in his advice to his son1 says3 ,i come now to another part of your letter1 which is the orthography1 if ,i may call bad spelling orthography4 ,you spell induce1 enduce2 and grandeur1 you spell grandure2 two faults of which few of my housemaids would have been guilty4 ,i must tell you that orthography1 in the true sense of the word1 is so absolutely necessary for a man of letters1 or a gentleman1 that one false spelling may fix ridicule upon him for the rest of his life2 and ,i know a man of quality1 who never recovered the ridicule of having spelled wholesome without the w4 ,reading with care will secure everybody from false spelling2 for books are always well spelled1 according to the orthography of the times4 ,some words are indeed doubtful1 being spelled differently by different authors of equal authority2 but those are few2 and in those cases every man has his option1 because he may plead his authority either way2 but where there is but one right way1 as in the two words above mentioned1 it is unpardonable and ridiculous for a gentleman to miss it2 even a woman of tolerable education would despise and laugh at a lover1 who sent her an ill-spelled billet-doux4 ,i fear1 and suspect1 that you have taken it into your head1 in most cases1 that the matter is all1 and the manner little or nothing4 ,if you have1 undeceive yourself1 and be convinced that1 in everything1 the manner is full as important as the matter4 ,if you speak the sense of an angel in bad words1 and with a disagreeable utterance1 nobody will hear you twice1 who can help it4 ,if you write epistles as well as ,cicero1 but in a very bad hand1 and very ill-spelled1 whoever receives1 will laugh at them4 ,after orthography1 you should make it a point to write a good hand2 clear1 legible1 and at the same time easy1 graceful1 and rapid4 ,this is not so difficult as some persons imagine1 but1 like other accomplishments1 it requires practice to make it perfect4 ,you must write every word so clearly that it cannot be mistaken by the reader1 and it is quite an important requisite to leave sufficient space between the words to render each one separate and distinct4 ,if your writing is crowded1 it will be difficult to read1 even though each letter is perfectly well formed4 ,an ,english author1 in a letter of advice1 says3-- ,i have often told you that every man who has the use of his eyes and his hand can write whatever hand he pleases4 ,i do not desire that you should write the stiff1 labored characters of a writing master2 a man of business must write quick and well1 and that depends simply upon use4 ,i would1 therefore1 advise you to get some very good writing master1 and apply to it for a month only1 which will be sufficient2 for1 upon my word1 the writing of a genteel1 plain hand of business is of much more importance than you think4 ,you say1 it may be1 that when you write so very ill1 it is because you are in a hurry2 to which1 ,i answer1 ,why are you ever in a hurry8 ,a man of sense may be in haste1 but can never be in a hurry1 because he knows1 that whatever he does in a hurry1 he must necessarily do very ill4 ,he may be in haste to dispatch an affair1 but he will take care not to let that haste hinder his doing it well4 ,little minds are in a hurry1 when the object proves 7as it commonly does7 too big for them2 they run1 they puzzle1 confound1 and perplex themselves2 they want to do everything at once1 and never do it at all4 ,but a man of sense takes the time necessary for doing the thing he is about1 well2 and his haste to dispatch a business1 only appears by the continuity of his application to it2 he pursues it with a cool steadiness1 and finishes it before he begins any other4444 ,the few seconds that are saved in the course of the day by writing ill instead of well1 do not amount to an object of time by any means equivalent to the disgrace or ridicule of a badly written scrawl4 ,by making a good1 clear hand habitual to you1 the caution given above1 with regard to hurry1 will be entirely useless1 for you will find that even the most rapid penmanship will not interfere with the beauty of your hand-writing1 and the most absorbing interest in the subject of your epistle can be indulged2 whereas1 if you write well only when you are giving your entire attention to guiding your pen1 then1 haste in writing or interest in your subject will spoil the beauty of your sheet4 ,be very careful that the wording of your letters is in strict accordance with the rules of grammar4 ,nothing stamps the difference between a well educated man and an ignorant one more decidedly than the purely grammatical language of the one compared with the labored sentences1 misplaced verbs1 nouns1 adjectives1 and adverbs of the other4 ,chesterfield caricatures this fault in the following letter1 written as a warning to his son1 to guard him against its glaring faults3 ,,my ,,lord3 ,i had1 last night1 the honor of your ,lordship's letter of the #bdth2 and will set about doing the orders contained therein2 and if so be that ,i can get that affair done by the next post1 ,i will not fail for to give your ,lordship an account of it1 by next post4 ,i have told the ,french ,minister1 as how that if that affair be not soon concluded1 your ,lordship would think it all long of him2 and that he must have neglected for to have wrote to his court about it4 ,i must beg leave to put your ,lordship in mind1 as how1 that ,i am now full three quarters in arrear2 and if so be that ,i do not very soon receive at least one half year1 ,i shall cut a very bad figure2 for this here place is very dear4 ,i shall be vastly beholden to your ,lordship for that there mark of your favor2 and so ,i rest or remain1 ,your1 c4 ,this is1 ,i admit1 a broad burlesque of a letter written by a man holding any important government office1 but in the more private correspondence of a man's life letters quite as absurd and ungrammatical are written every day4 ,punctuation is another very important point in a letter1 because it not only is a mark of elegance and education to properly punctuate a letter1 but the omission of this point will inevitably confuse your correspondent1 for if you write to your friend3 ,i met last evening ,mr ,james the artist his son a lawyer ,mr ,gay a friend of my mother's ,mr ,clarke and ,mr ,paul3 he will not know whether ,mr4 ,gay is a lawyer or your mother's friend1 or whether it is ,mr4 ,james or his son who is an artist2 whereas1 by the proper placing of a few punctuation marks you make the sentence clear and intelligible1 thus3 ,i met1 last evening1 ,mr4 ,james1 the artist2 his son1 a lawyer2 ,mr4 ,gay1 a friend of my mother's2 ,mr4 ,clarke and ,mr4 ,paul4 ,without proper regard being paid to punctuation1 the very essence of good composition is lost2 it is of the utmost importance1 as clearness1 strength1 and accuracy depend upon it1 in as great a measure as the power of an army depends upon the skill displayed in marshalling and arranging the troops4 ,the separation of one portion of a composition from another2 the proper classification and division of the subjects2 the precise meaning of every word and sentence2 the relation each part bears to previous or following parts2 the connection of one portion and separation of others--all depend upon punctuation4 ,many persons seem to consider it sufficient to put in a period at the end of a long sentence1 leaving all the little niceties which a comma1 semicolon1 or colon would render clear1 in a state of the most lamentable obscurity4 ,others use all the points1 but misplace them in a most ludicrous manner4 ,a sentence may be made by the omission or addition of a comma to express a meaning exactly opposite to the one it expressed before the little mark was written or erased4 ,the best mode of studying punctuation is to read over what you write1 aloud1 and put in the points as you would dwell a longer or shorter time on the words1 were you speaking4 ,we now come to the use of capital letters1 a subject next1 in importance to punctuation1 and one too often neglected1 even by writers otherwise careful4 ,the first word of every piece of writing1 whether it be a book1 a poem1 a story1 a letter1 a bill1 a note1 or only a line of directions1 must begin with a capital letter4 ,quotations1 even though they are not immediately preceded by a period1 must invariably begin with a capital letter4 ,every new sentence1 following a period1 exclamation mark1 or interrogation point1 must begin with a capital letter4 ,every proper name1 whether it be of a person1 a place1 or an object1 must begin with a capital letter4 ,the pronoun ,i and exclamation ,o must be always written in capital letters4 ,capitals must never1 except in the case of proper names or the two letters mentioned in the last paragraph1 be written in the middle of a sentence4 ,a capital letter must never be used in the middle of a word1 among the small letters2 nor must it be used at the end of a word4 ,nothing adds more to the beauty of a letter1 or any written composition1 than handsomely written capital letters1 used in their proper places4 ,having specified the most important points in a correct letter1 we next come to that which1 more than anything else1 shows the mind of the writer2 that which proves his good or bad education2 that which gives him rank as an elegant or inelegant writer--,style4 ,it is style which adorns or disfigures a subject2 which makes the humblest matter appear choice and elegant1 or which reduces the most exalted ideas to a level with common1 or vulgar ones4 ,lord ,chesterfield says1 ,it is of the greatest importance to write letters well2 as this is a talent which unavoidably occurs every day of one's life1 as well in business as in pleasure2 and inaccuracies in orthography or in style are never pardoned4 ,much depends upon the manner in which they are written2 which ought to be easy and natural1 not strained and florid4 ,for instance1 when you are about to send a billet-doux1 or love letter to a fair friend1 you must only think of what you would say to her if you were both together1 and then write it2 that renders the style easy and natural2 though some people imagine the wording of a letter to be a great undertaking1 and think they must write abundantly better than they talk1 which is not at all necessary4 ,style is the dress of thoughts1 and let them be ever so just1 if your style is homely1 coarse1 and vulgar1 they will appear to as much disadvantage and be as ill received as your person1 though ever so well proportioned1 would1 if dressed in rags1 dirt1 and tatters4 ,it is not every understanding that can judge of matter2 but every one can and does judge1 more or less1 of style2 and were ,i either to speak or write to the public1 ,i should prefer moderate matter1 adorned with all the beauties and elegancies of style1 to the strongest matter in the world1 ill worded and ill delivered4 ,write legibly1 correctly1 and without erasures upon a whole sheet of paper1 never upon half a sheet4 ,choose paper which is thick1 white1 and perfectly plain4 ,the initials stamped at the top of a sheet are the only ornament allowed a gentleman4 ,it is an unpardonable fault to write upon a sheet which has anything written or drawn upon it1 or is soiled2 and quite as bad to answer a note upon half the sheet it is written upon1 or write on the other side of a sheet which has been used before4 ,write your own ideas in your own words1 neither borrowing or copying from another4 ,if you are detected in a plagiarism1 you will never recover your reputation for originality1 and you may find yourself in the position of the hero of the following anecdote3 ,mr4 ,o41 a man of but little cultivation1 fell in love with ,miss ,n41 whose fine intellect was duly improved by a thorough course of study and reading1 while her wit1 vivacity1 and beauty made ,mr4 ,o4 one only amongst many suitors4 ,fascinated by her beauty and gracious manner he determined to settle his fate1 and ask her to go forward in the alphabet and choose the next letter to put to her surname4 ,but how8 ,five times he tried to speak1 and five times the gay beauty so led the discourse that he left at the end of each interview1 no wiser than when he came4 ,at length he resolved to write4 ,it was the first time he had held the pen for any but a business letter4 ,after commencing twice with ,dear sir1 once with1 ,i write to inform you that ,i am well and hope this letter will find you the same1 and once with1 ,your last duly received1 he threw the pen aside in disgust and despair4 ,a love letter was beyond his feeble capacities4 ,suddenly a brilliant idea struck him4 ,he had lately seen1 in turning the leaves of a popular novel1 a letter1 perhaps a love letter4 ,he procured the book1 found the letter4 ,it was full of fire and passion1 words of love1 protestations of never failing constancy1 and contained an offer of marriage4 ,with a hand that trembled with ecstasy1 ,o4 copied and signed the letter1 sealed1 directed1 and sent it4 ,the next day came the answer--simply3 ,my ,friend1 ,turn to the next page and you will find the reply4 ,a4 ,n4 ,he did so1 and found a polite refusal of his suit4 ,the secret of letter writing consists in writing as you would speak4 ,thus1 if you speak well1 you will write well2 if you speak ill1 you will also write ill4 ,endeavor always to write as correctly and properly as possible4 ,if you have reason to doubt your own spelling1 carefully read and correct every letter before you fold it4 ,an ill-formed letter is1 however1 better let alone4 ,you will not improve it by trying to reform it1 and the effort will be plainly visible4 ,let your style be simple1 concise1 and clear1 entirely void of pretension1 without any phrases written merely for effect1 without useless flowery language1 respectful towards superiors1 women1 and older persons1 and it will be well4 ,abbreviations are only permitted in business letters1 and in friendly correspondence must never be used4 ,figures are never to be used excepting when putting a date or a sum of money4 ,in a business letter the money is generally specified both in figures and words1 thus2 #ejj ,five hundred dollars4 ,you may put the name1 date1 and address of a letter either at the top of the page or at the end4 ,i give a specimen of each style to show my meaning4 ,,philadelphia1 ,june #beth1 #ahee4 ,,mr4 ,,james ,,smith1 ,dear ,sir1 ,the goods ordered in your letter of the #aith inst4 were sent this morning by ,adam's ,express4 ,we shall be always happy to hear from you1 and will promptly fill any further orders4 ,yours1 truly1 ,,jones1 ,,brown1 ,,co4 or1 ,dear ,sir1 ,your favor of the #eth inst4 received to day4 ,will execute your commissions with pleasure4 ,yours1 truly1 ,j4 ,jones4 ,,mr4 ,,james ,,smith4 ,,phila41 ,june #beth1 #ahed4 ,if you send your own address put it under your own signature1 thus3 ,j4 ,,jones1 #ag ,w---- st41 ,,new ,,york4 ,the etiquette of letter-writing1 should1 as much as possible1 be influenced by principles of truth4 ,the superscription and the subscription should alike be in accordance with the tone of the communication1 and the domestic or social relation of those between whom it passes4 ,communications upon professional or business matters1 where no acquaintance exists to modify the circumstances1 should be written thus3--,mr4 ,gillot will feel obliged by ,mr4 ,slack's sending by the bearer1 c4 ,it is an absurdity for a man who writes a challenge1 or an offensive letter1 to another1 to subscribe himself1 ,your obedient ,servant4 ,i dislike this form of subscription1 also1 when employed by persons of equal rank4 ,it is perfectly becoming when addressed by a servant to an employer4 ,but in other cases1 ,yours truly1 ,yours very truly1 ,your ,friend1 ,your sincere ,friend1 ,your ,well-wisher1 ,your grateful ,friend1 ,your affectionate ,friend1 c41 c41 appears to be much more truthful1 and to be more in keeping with the legitimate expression of good feeling4 ,it is impossible to lay down a set of rules that shall govern all cases4 ,but as a principle1 it may be urged1 that no person should address another as1 ,dear ,sir1 or1 ,dear ,madam1 without feelings and relations that justify the use of the adjective4 ,these compliments are mockeries4 ,no one who entertains a desire to write another as dear1 need feel afraid of giving offence by familiarity2 for all mankind prize the esteem even of their humblest fellows too much to be annoyed by it4 ,and in proportion as the integrity of the forms of correspondence increase1 so will these expressions of good feeling be more appreciated4 ,the next point to be considered is the subject of your letter1 and without a good subject the epistle will be apt to be dull4 ,i do not mean by this that it is necessary to have any extraordinary event to relate1 or startling news to communicate2 but in order to write a good letter1 it is necessary to have a good subject1 that you may not rival the ,frenchman who wrote to his wife--,i write to you because ,i have nothing to do3 ,i stop because ,i have nothing to say4 ,letters written without aim or object1 simply for the sake of writing1 are apt to be stupid1 trivial1 or foolish4 ,you may write to a friend to congratulate him upon some happy event to himself1 or to condole with him in some misfortune1 or to ask his congratulations or condolence for yourself4 ,you may write to enquire for his health1 or to extend an invitation1 a letter of thanks1 felicitations1 upon business1 or a thousand other subjects1 which it is useless for me to enumerate4 ,,letters ,,of ,,business4 ,the chief object in a letter of business is to communicate or enquire about some one fact1 and the epistle should be confined entirely to that fact4 ,all compliments1 jests1 high-flown language and sentiment1 are entirely out of place in a business letter1 and brevity should be one of the most important aims4 ,do not let your desire to be brief1 however1 make your meaning obscure2 better to add a few words1 or even lines1 to the length of your letter1 than to send it in confused1 unintelligible language4 ,chesterfield's advice on business letters is excellent4 ,he says3 ,the first thing necessary in writing letters of business is1 extreme clearness and perspicuity2 every paragraph should be so clear and unambiguous that the dullest fellow in the world may not be able to mistake it1 nor obliged to read it twice in order to understand it4 ,this necessary clearness implies a correctness1 without excluding an elegance of style4 ,tropes1 figures1 antithesis1 epigrams1 c41 would be as misplaced and as impertinent in letters of business as they are sometimes 7if judiciously used7 proper and pleasing in familiar letters1 upon common and trite subjects4 ,in business1 an elegant simplicity1 the result of care1 not of labor1 is required4 ,business must be well1 not affectedly dressed2 but by no means negligently4 ,let your first attention be to clearness1 and read every paragraph after you have written it1 in the critical view of discovering whether it is possible that any one man can mistake the true sense of it2 and correct it accordingly4 ,our pronouns and relatives often create obscurity and ambiguity2 be1 therefore1 exceedingly attentive to them1 and take care to mark out with precision their particular relations4 ,for example1 ,mr4 ,johnson acquainted me1 that he had seen ,mr4 ,smith1 who had promised him to speak to ,mr4 ,clarke1 to return him 7,mr4 ,johnson7 those papers1 which he 7,mr4 ,smith7 had left some time ago with him 7,mr4 ,clarke72 it is better to repeat a name1 though unnecessarily1 ten times1 than to have the person mistaken once4 ,who1 you know1 is singly relative to persons1 and cannot be applied to things2 which and that are chiefly relative to things1 but not absolutely exclusive of persons2 for one may say the man1 that robbed or killed such-a-one2 but it is better to say1 the man who robbed or killed4 ,one never says1 the man or woman which4 ,which and that1 though chiefly relative to things1 cannot be always used indifferently as to things4 ,for instance1 the letter which ,i received from you1 which you referred to in your last1 which came by ,lord ,albemarle's messenger1 which ,i showed to such-a-one2 ,i would change it thus--,the letter that ,i received from you1 which you referred to in your last1 that came by ,lord ,albemarle's messenger1 and which ,i showed to such-a-one4 ,business does not exclude 7as possibly you wish it did7 the usual terms of politeness and good breeding2 but1 on the contrary1 strictly requires them2 such as1 ,i have the honor to acquaint you2 ,permit me to assure you2 or1 ,if ,i may be allowed to give my opinion1 c4 ,,letters ,,of ,,business will not only admit of1 but be the better for certain graces--but then1 they must be scattered with a skillful and sparing hand2 they must fit their place exactly4 ,they must adorn without encumbering1 and modestly shine without glaring4 ,but as this is the utmost degree of perfection in letters of business1 ,i would not advise you to attempt those embellishments1 till you have just laid your foundation well4 ,carefully avoid all ,greek or ,latin quotations2 and bring no precedents from the virtuous ,spartans1 the polite ,athenians1 and the brave ,romans4 ,leave all that to futile pedants4 ,no flourishes1 no declamations4 ,but 7,i repeat it again7 there is an elegant simplicity and dignity of style absolutely necessary for good letters of business2 attend to that carefully4 ,let your periods be harmonious1 without seeming to be labored2 and let them not be too long1 for that always occasions a degree of obscurity4 ,i should not mention correct orthography1 but that to fail in that particular will bring ridicule upon you2 for no man is allowed to spell ill4 ,the hand-writing1 too1 should be good2 and ,i cannot conceive why it is ever otherwise1 since every man may1 certainly1 write whatever hand he pleases4 ,neatness in folding up1 sealing1 and directing your packets is1 by no means1 to be neglected4 ,there is something in the exterior1 even of a packet or letter1 that may please or displease2 and1 consequently1 worth some attention4 ,if you are writing a letter1 either upon your own business or upon that of the person you are addressing1 not in answer to him1 but opening the subject between you1 follow the rule of clearness and of business brevity4 ,come to the point at once1 in order that the person addressed may easily comprehend you4 ,put nobody to the labor of guessing what you desire1 and be careful that half-instructions do not lead your correspondent astray4 ,if you have so clear an idea of your operation in your mind1 or if it is so simple a one that it needs no words1 except specific directions1 or a plain request1 you need not waste time1 but1 with the proper forms of courtesy1 instruct him of your wishes4 ,in whatever you write1 remember that time is valuable2 and that embarrassing or indefinite letters are a great nuisance to a business man4 ,i need hardly remark1 that punctuality in answering correspondents is one of the cardinal business virtues4 ,where it is possible1 answer letters by return of post1 as you will thus save your own time1 and pay your correspondent a flattering compliment4 ,and in opening a correspondence or writing upon your own business1 let your communication be made at the earliest proper date in order that your correspondent1 as well as yourself1 may have the benefit of thought and deliberation4 ,,letters ,,of ,,inquiry should be written in a happy medium1 between tedious length and the brevity which would betoken indifference4 ,as the subject is generally limited to questions upon one subject1 they will not admit of much verbiage1 and if your inquiry relates simply to a matter of business1 it is better to confine your words strictly to that business2 if1 however1 you are writing to make inquiry as to the health of a friend1 or any other matter in which feeling or affection dictates the epistle1 the cold1 formal style of a business letter would become heartless1 and1 in many cases1 positively insulting4 ,you must here add some words of compliment1 express your friendly interest in the subject1 and your hope that a favorable answer may be returned1 and if the occasion is a painful one1 a few lines of regret or condolence may be added4 ,if you are requesting a favor of your correspondent1 you should apologize for the trouble you are giving him1 and mention the necessity which prompts you to write4 ,if you are making inquiries of a friend1 your letter will then admit of some words of compliment1 and may be written in an easy1 familiar style4 ,if writing to a stranger1 your request for information becomes a personal favor1 and you should write in a manner to show him that you feel this4 ,speak of the obligation he will confer1 mention the necessity which compels you to trouble him1 and follow his answer by a note of thanks4 ,always1 when sending a letter of inquiry1 enclose a stamp for the answer4 ,if you trouble your correspondent to take his time to write you information1 valuable only to yourself1 you have no right to tax him also for the price of postage4 ,,answers ,,to ,,letters ,,of ,,inquiry should be written as soon as possible after such letters are received4 ,if the inquiry is of a personal nature1 concerning your health1 family affairs1 or the denial or corroboration of some report concerning yourself1 you should thank your correspondent for the interest he expresses1 and such a letter should be answered immediately4 ,if the letter you receive contains questions which you cannot answer instantly1 as1 for instance1 if you are obliged to see a third party1 or yourself make inquiry upon the subject proposed1 it is best to write a few lines acknowledging the receipt of your friend's letter1 expressing your pleasure at being able to serve him1 and stating why you cannot immediately give him the desired information1 with the promise to write again as soon as such information is yours to send4 ,,letters ,,requesting ,,favors are trying to write1 and must be dictated by the circumstances which make them necessary4 ,be careful not to be servile in such letters4 ,take a respectful1 but1 at the same time1 manly tone2 and1 while you acknowledge the obligation a favorable answer will confer1 do not adopt the cringing language of a beggar4 ,,letters ,,conferring ,,favors should never be written in a style to make the recipient feel a weight of obligation2 on the contrary1 the style should be such as will endeavor to convince your correspondent that in his acceptance of your favor he confers an obligation upon you4 ,,letters ,,refusing ,,favors call for your most courteous language1 for they must give some pain1 and this may be very much softened by the manner in which you write4 ,express your regret at being unable to grant your friend's request1 a hope that at some future time it may be in your power to answer another such letter more favorably1 and give a good reason for your refusal4 ,,letters ,,acknowledging ,,favors1 or letters of thanks1 should be written in a cordial1 frank1 and grateful style4 ,while you earnestly thank your correspondent for his kindness1 you must never hint at any payment of the obligation4 ,if you have the means of obliging him near you at that instant1 make your offer of the favor the subject of another letter1 lest he attribute your haste to a desire to rid yourself of an obligation4 ,to hint at a future payment is still more indelicate4 ,when you can show your gratitude by a suitable return1 then let your actions1 not your words1 speak for the accuracy of your memory in retaining the recollection of favors conferred4 ,,anonymous ,,letters4 ,the man who would write an anonymous letter1 either to insult the person addressed1 or annoy a third person1 is a scoundrel1 whom 'twere gross flattery to name a coward4 ,none but a man of the lowest principles1 and meanest character1 would commit an act to gratify malice or hatred without danger to himself4 ,a gentleman will treat such a communication with the contemptuous silence which it deserves4 ,,letters ,,of ,,intelligence4 ,the first thing to be regarded in a letter of intelligence is truth4 ,they are written on every variety of subjects1 under circumstances of the saddest and the most joyful nature4 ,they are written often under the pressure of the most crushing grief1 at other times when the hand trembles with ecstacy1 and very frequently when a weight of other cares and engagements makes the time of the writer invaluable4 ,yet1 whether the subject communicated concerns yourself or another1 remember that every written word is a record for your veracity or falsehood4 ,if exaggeration1 or1 still worse1 malice1 guide your pen1 in imparting painful subjects1 or if the desire to avoid causing grief makes you violate truth to soften trying news1 you are signing your name to a written falsehood1 and the letter may1 at some future time1 rise to confront you and prove that your intelligence cannot be trusted4 ,whatever the character of the news you communicate1 let taste and discretion guide you in the manner of imparting it4 ,if it is of so sorrowful a character that you know it must cause pain1 you may endeavor to open the subject gradually1 and a few lines of sympathy and comfort1 if unheeded at the time1 may be appreciated when the mourner re-reads your letter in calmer moments4 ,joyful news1 though it does not need the same caution1 also admits of expressions of sympathy4 ,never write the gossip around you1 unless you are obliged to communicate some event1 and then write only what you know to be true1 or1 if you speak of doubtful matters1 state them to be such4 ,avoid mere scandal and hearsay1 and1 above all1 avoid letting your own malice or bitterness of feeling color all your statements in their blackest dye4 ,be1 under such circumstances1 truthful1 just1 and charitable4 ,,letters ,,of ,,recommendation should be written only when they are positively necessary1 and great caution should be used in giving them4 ,they make you1 in a measure1 responsible for the conduct of another1 and if you give them frequently1 on slight grounds1 you will certainly have cause to repent your carelessness4 ,they are letters of business1 and should be carefully composed2 truthful1 while they are courteous1 and just1 while they are kind4 ,if you sacrifice candor to a mistaken kindness1 you not only make yourself a party to any mischief that may result1 but you are committing a dishonest act towards the person to whom the letter will be delivered4 ,,letters ,,of ,,introduction should be short1 as they are generally delivered in person1 and ought not to occupy much time in reading1 as no one likes to have to wait while a long letter of introduction is read4 ,while you speak of the bearer in the warm language of friendship1 do not write praises in such a letter2 they are about as much in place as they would be if you spoke them at a personal introduction4 ,leave letters of introduction unsealed1 for it is a gross breach of politeness to prevent the bearer from reading what you have written1 by fastening the envelope4 ,the most common form is3-- ,dear ,sir1 ,it gives me much pleasure to introduce to you1 the bearer of this letter1 as my friend ,mr4 ,j----1 who is to remain a few days in your city on his way to ,new ,orleans4 ,i trust that the acquaintance of two friends1 for whom ,i have so long entertained so warm an esteem1 will prove as pleasant as my intercourse with each has always been4 ,any attention which it may be in your power to pay to ,mr4 ,j----1 whilst he is in your city1 will be highly appreciated and gratefully acknowledged by ,your sincere friend ,,james ,c4 ,,ray4 ,,mr4 ,l4 ,g4 ,,edmonds4 ,june #bc;d1 #ah--4 ,if your letter is to introduce any gentleman in his business or professional capacity1 mention what that business is2 and if your own acquaintance with the bearer is slight1 you may also use the name of the persons from whom he brought letters to yourself4 ,here1 you may1 with perfect propriety1 say a few words in praise of the bearer's skill in his professional labors4 ,if he is an artist1 you need not hesitate to give a favorable opinion of whatever of his pictures you have seen1 or1 if a musician1 express the delight his skill has afforded you4 ,a ,,letter ,,requesting ,,an ,,autograph should always enclose a postage stamp for the reply4 ,in such a letter some words of compliment1 expressive of the value of the name for which you ask1 is in good taste4 ,you may refer to the deeds or celebrity which have made the name so desirable1 and also express your sense of the greatness of the favor1 and the obligation the granting of it will confer4 ,,autograph ,,letters should be short2 containing merely a few lines1 thanking the person addressed for the compliment paid in requesting the signature1 and expressive of the pleasure it gives you to comply with the request4 ,if you wish to refuse 7though none but a churl would do so71 do not fall into the error of an eccentric ,american whose high position in the army tempted a collector of autographs to request his signature4 ,the general wrote in reply3-- ,sir1 ,i'll be hanged if ,i send my autograph to anybody4 ,yours1 ----4 and signed his name in full in the strong1 bold letters which always characterized his hand writing4 ,,invitations ,,to ,,ladies should be written in the third person1 unless you are very intimate with them1 or can claim relationship4 ,all letters addressed to a lady should be written in a respectful style1 and when they are short and to a comparative stranger1 the third person is the most elegant one to use4 ,remember1 in directing letters to young ladies1 the eldest one in a family is addressed by the surname alone1 while the others have also the proper name2 thus1 if you wrote to the daughters of ,mr4 ,smith1 the eldest one is ,miss ,smith1 the others1 ,miss ,annie ,smith and ,miss ,jane ,smith4 ,invitations should be sent by your own servant1 or clerk4 ,nothing is more vulgar than sending invitations through the despatch1 and you run the risk of their being delayed4 ,the first time that you invite a lady to accompany you to ride1 walk1 or visit any place of public amusement1 you should also invite her mother1 sister1 or any other lady in the same family1 unless you have a mother or sister with whom the lady invited is acquainted1 when you should say in your note that your mother or sister will accompany you4 ,,letters ,,of ,,compliment being confined to one subject should be short and simple4 ,if they are of thanks for inquiry made1 they should merely echo the letter they answer1 with the acknowledgement of your correspondent's courtesy4 ,,letters ,,of ,,congratulation4 ,letters of congratulation are the most agreeable of all letters to write2 your subject is before you1 and you have the pleasure of sympathizing in the happiness of a friend4 ,they should be written in a frank1 genial style1 with warm expressions of pleasure at your friend's joy1 and admit of any happy quotations or jest4 ,when congratulating your friend on an occasion of happiness to himself1 be very careful that your letter has no word of envy at his good fortune1 no fears for its short duration1 no prophecy of a change for the worse2 let all be bright1 cheerful1 and hopeful4 ,there are few men whose life calls for letters of congratulation upon many occasions1 let them have bright1 unclouded ones when they can claim them4 ,if you have other friends whose sorrow makes a contrast with the joy of the person to whom you are writing1 nay1 even if you yourself are in affliction1 do not mention it in such a letter4 ,at the same time avoid the satire of exaggeration in your expressions of congratulation1 and be very careful how you underline a word4 ,if you write a hope that your friend may be perfectly happy1 he will not think that the emphasis proves the strength of your wish1 but that you are fearful that it will not be fulfilled4 ,if at the same time that you are writing a letter of congratulation1 you have sorrowful news to communicate1 do not put your tidings of grief into your congratulatory letter2 let that contain only cheerful1 pleasant words2 even if your painful news must be sent the same day1 send it in a separate epistle4 ,,letters ,,of ,,condolence are trying both to the writer and to the reader4 ,if your sympathy is sincere1 and you feel the grief of your friend as if it were your own1 you will find it difficult to express in written words the sorrow that you are anxious to comfort4 ,even the warmest1 most sincere expressions1 sound cold and commonplace to the mourner1 and one grasp of the hand1 one glance of the eye1 will do more to express sympathy than whole sheets of written words4 ,it is best not to try to say all that you feel4 ,you will fail in the attempt and may weary your friend4 ,let your letter1 then1 be short1 7not heartlessly so7 but let its words1 though few1 be warm and sincere4 ,any light1 cheerful jesting will be insulting in a letter of condolence4 ,if you wish to comfort by bringing forward blessings or hopes for the future1 do not do it with gay1 or jesting expressions1 but in a gentle1 kind manner1 drawing your words of comfort1 not from trivial1 passing events1 but from the highest and purest sources4 ,if the subject for condolence be loss of fortune or any similar event1 your letter will admit of the cheering words of every-day life1 and kindly hopes that the wheel of fortune may take a more favorable turn2 but1 if death causes your friend's affliction1 there is but little to be said in the first hours of grief4 ,your letter of sympathy and comfort may be read after the first crushing grief is over1 and appreciated then1 but words of comfort are but little heeded when the first agony of a life-long separation is felt in all the force of its first hours4 ,,letters ,,sent ,,with ,,presents should be short1 mere cards of compliment1 and written in the third person4 ,,letters ,,acknowledging ,,presents should also be quite short1 written in the third person1 and merely containing a few lines of thanks1 with a word or two of admiration for the beauty1 value1 or usefulness of the gift4 ,,letters ,,of ,,advice are generally very unpalatable for the reader1 and had better not be written unless solicited1 and not then unless your counsel will really benefit your correspondent4 ,when written1 let them be courteous1 but1 at the same time1 perfectly frank4 ,if you can avert an evil by writing a letter of advice1 even when unsolicited1 it is a friendly office to write1 but it is usually a thankless one4 ,to write after an act has been performed1 and state what your advice would have been1 had your opinion been asked1 is extremely foolish1 and if you disapprove of the course that has been taken1 your best plan is1 certainly1 to say nothing about it4 ,in writing your letter of advice1 give your judgement as an opinion1 not a law1 and say candidly that you will not feel hurt if contrary advice offered by any other1 more competent to judge in the case1 is taken4 ,while your candor may force you to give the most unpalatable counsel1 let your courtesy so express it1 that it cannot give offence4 ,,letters ,,of ,,excuse are sometimes necessary1 and they should be written promptly1 as a late apology for an offence is worse than no apology at all4 ,they should be written in a frank1 manly style1 containing an explanation of the offence1 and the facts which led to it1 the assurance of the absence of malice or desire to offend1 sorrow for the circumstances1 and a hope that your apology will be accepted4 ,never wait until circumstances force an apology from you before writing a letter of excuse4 ,a frank1 prompt acknowledgement of an offence1 and a candidly expressed desire to atone for it1 or for indulgence towards it1 cannot fail to conciliate any reasonable person4 ,,cards ,,of ,,compliment must always be written in the third person4 ,,answers4 ,the first requisite in answering a letter upon any subject1 is promptness4 ,if you can answer by return of mail1 do so2 if not1 write as soon as possible4 ,if you receive a letter making inquiries about facts which you will require time to ascertain1 then write a few lines acknowledging the receipt of the letter of inquiry and promising to send the information as soon as possible4 ,,chapter ,,xvi4 ,,wedding ,,etiquette4 ,from an ,english work1 ,the ,habits of ,good ,society1 ,i quote some directions for the guidance of the happy man who proposes to enter the state of matrimony4 ,i have altered a few words to suit the difference of country1 but when weddings are performed in church1 the rules given here are excellent4 ,they will apply equally well to the evening ceremony4 ,at a time when our feelings are or ought to be most susceptible1 when the happiness or misery of a condition in which there is no medium begins1 we are surrounded with forms and etiquettes which rise before the unwary like spectres1 and which even the most rigid ceremonialists regard with a sort of dread4 ,were it not1 however1 for these forms1 and for this necessity of being en rgle1 there might1 on the solemnization of marriage1 be confusion1 forgetfulness1 and1 even--speak it not aloud--irritation among the parties most intimately concerned4 ,excitement might ruin all4 ,without a definite programme1 the old maids of the family would be thrusting in advice4 ,the aged chronicler of past events1 or grandmother by the fireside1 would have it all her way2 the venerable bachelor in tights1 with his blue coat and metal buttons1 might throw every thing into confusion by his suggestions4 ,it is well that we are independent of all these interfering advisers2 that there is no necessity to appeal to them4 ,precedent has arranged it all2 we have only to put in or understand what that stern authority has laid down2 how it has been varied by modern changes2 and we must just shape our course boldly4 ',boldly8' ,but there is much to be done before we come to that4 ,first1 there is the offer to be made4 ,well may a man who contemplates such a step say to himself1 with ,dryden3 ',these are the realms of everlasting fate2' for1 in truth1 on marriage one's well-being not only here but even hereafter mainly depends4 ,but it is not on this bearing of the subject that we wish to enter1 contenting ourselves with a quotation from the ,spectator3 ',it requires more virtues to make a good husband or wife1 than what go to the finishing any the most shining character whatsoever4' ,in ,france1 an engagement is an affair of negotiation and business2 and the system1 in this respect1 greatly resembles the practice in ,england1 on similar occasions1 a hundred and fifty or two hundred years ago1 or even later4 ,france is the most unchanging country in the world in her habits and domestic institutions1 and foremost among these is her ',marriage de convenance1' or ',marriage de raison4' ,it is thus brought about4 ,so soon as a young girl quits the school or convent where she has been educated1 her friends cast about for a suitable parti4 ,most parents in ,france take care1 so soon as a daughter is born1 to put aside a sum of money for her 'dot1' as they well know that1 whatever may be her attractions1 that is indispensable in order to be married4 ,they are ever on the look out for a youth with1 at least1 an equal fortune1 or more2 or1 if they are rich1 for title1 which is deemed tantamount to fortune2 even the power of writing those two little letters ,de before your name has some value in the marriage contract4 ,having satisfied themselves1 they thus address the young lady3--',it is now time for you to be married2 ,i know of an eligible match2 you can see the gentleman1 either at such a ball1 or if he is serious at church4 ,i do not ask you to take him if his appearance is positively disagreeable to you2 if so1 we will look out for some one else4' ,as a matter of custom1 the young lady answers that the will of her parents is hers2 she consents to take a survey of him to whom her destiny is to be entrusted2 and let us presume that he is accepted1 though it does not follow1 and sometimes it takes several months to look out1 as it does for other matters1 a house1 or a place1 or a pair of horses4 ,however1 she consents2 a formal introduction takes place2 the promis calls in full dress to see his future wife2 they are only just to speak to each other1 and those few unmeaning words are spoken in the presence of the bride-elect's mother2 for the ,french think it most indiscreet to allow the affections of a girl to be interested before marriage1 lest during the arrangements for the contract all should be broken off4 ,if she has no dislike1 it is enough2 never for an instant are the engaged couple left alone1 and in very few cases do they go up to the altar with more than a few weeks' acquaintance1 and usually with less4 ,the whole matter is then arranged by notaries1 who squabble over the marriage-contract1 and get all they can for their clients4 ,the contract is usually signed in ,france on the day before the marriage1 when all is considered safe2 the religious portion of their bond takes place in the church1 and then the two young creatures are left together to understand each other if they can1 and to love each other if they will2 if not they must content themselves with what is termed1 un mnage de ,paris4 ,in ,england1 formerly1 much the same system prevailed4 ,a boy of fourteen1 before going on his travels1 was contracted to a girl of eleven1 selected as his future wife by parents or guardians2 he came back after the grande tour to fulfil the engagement4 ,but by law it was imperative that forty days should at least pass between the contract and the marriage2 during which dreary interval the couple1 leashed together like two young greyhounds1 would have time to think of the future4 ,in ,france1 the perilous period of reflection is not allowed4 ',i really am so glad we are to take a journey1' said a young ,french lady to her friends2 ',i shall thus get to know something about my husband2 he is quite a stranger to me4' ,some striking instances of the ,marriage de convenance being infringed on1 have lately occurred in ,france4 ,the late ,monsieur de ,tocqueville married for love1 after a five years' engagement4 ,guizot1 probably influenced by his acquaintance with ,england1 gave his daughters liberty to choose for themselves1 and they married for love,b--'a very indelicate proceeding1' remarked a ,french comtesse of the old rgime1 when speaking of this arrangement4 ,b ,two brothers1 named ,de ,witte4 ,nothing can be more opposed to all this than the ,american system4 ,they are so tenacious of the freedom of choice1 that even persuasion is thought criminal4 ,in ,france negotiations are often commenced on the lady's side2 in ,america1 never4 ,even too encouraging a manner1 even the ordinary attentions of civility1 are1 occasionally1 a matter of reproach4 ,we are jealous of the delicacy of that sacred bond2 which we presume to hope is to spring out of mutual affection4 ,a gentleman who1 from whatever motives1 has made up his mind to marry1 may set about it in two ways4 ,he may propose by letter or in words4 ,the customs of society imply the necessity of a sufficient knowledge of the lady to be addressed4 ,this1 even in this country1 is a difficult point to be attained2 and1 after all1 cannot be calculated by time1 since1 in large cities1 you may know people a year1 and yet be comparative strangers2 and1 meeting them in the country1 may become intimate in a week4 ,having made up his mind1 the gentleman offers--wisely1 if he can1 in speech4 ,letters are seldom expressive of what really passes in the mind of man2 or1 if expressive1 seem foolish1 since deep feelings are liable to exaggeration4 ,every written word may be the theme of cavil4 ,study1 care1 which avail in every other species of composition1 are death to the lover's effusion4 ,a few sentences1 spoken in earnest1 and broken by emotion1 are more eloquent than pages of sentiment1 both to parent and daughter4 ,let him1 however1 speak and be accepted4 ,he is1 in that case1 instantly taken into the intimacy of his adopted relatives4 ,such is the notion of ,american honor1 that the engaged couple are henceforth allowed to be frequently alone together1 in walking and at home4 ,if there be no known obstacle to the engagement1 the gentleman and lady are mutually introduced to the respective relatives of each4 ,it is for the gentleman's family to call first2 for him to make the first present2 and this should be done as soon as possible after the offer has been accepted4 ,it is a sort of seal put upon the affair4 ,the absence of presents is thought to imply want of earnestness in the matter4 ,this present generally consists of some personal ornament1 say1 a ring1 and should be handsome1 but not so handsome as that made for the wedding-day4 ,during the period that elapses before the marriage1 the betrothed man should conduct himself with peculiar deference to the lady's family and friends1 even if beneath his own station4 ,it is often said3 ',i marry such a lady1 but ,i do not mean to marry her whole family4' ,this disrespectful pleasantry has something in it so cold1 so selfish1 that even if the lady's family be disagreeable1 there is a total absence of delicate feeling to her in thus speaking of those nearest to her4 ,to her parents especially1 the conduct of the betrothed man should be respectful2 to her sisters kind without familiarity2 to her brothers1 every evidence of good-will should be testified4 ,in making every provision for the future1 in regard to settlements1 allowance for dress1 c41 the extent of liberality convenient should be the spirit of all arrangements4 ,perfect candor as to his own affairs1 respectful consideration for those of the family he is about to enter1 mark a true gentleman4 ,in ,france1 however gay and even blameable a man may have been before his betrothal1 he conducts himself with the utmost propriety after that event4 ,a sense of what is due to a lady should repress all habits unpleasant to her2 smoking1 if disagreeable2 frequenting places of amusement without her2 or paying attention to other women4 ,in this respect1 indeed1 the sense of honor should lead a man to be as scrupulous when his future wife is absent as when she is present1 if not more so4 ,in equally bad taste is exclusiveness4 ,the devotions of two engaged persons should be reserved for the tte--tte1 and women are generally in fault when it is otherwise4 ,they like to exhibit their conquest2 they cannot dispense with attentions2 they forget that the demonstration of any peculiar condition of things in society must make some one uncomfortable2 the young lady is uncomfortable because she is not equally happy2 the young man detests what he calls nonsense2 the old think there is a time for all things4 ,all sitting apart1 therefore1 and peculiar displays1 are in bad taste2 ,i am inclined to think that they often accompany insincerity1 and that the truest affections are those which are reserved for the genuine and heartfelt intimacy of private interviews4 ,at the same time1 the airs of indifference and avoidance should be equally guarded against2 since1 however strong and mutual attachment may be1 such a line of conduct is apt needlessly to mislead others1 and so produce mischief4 ,true feeling1 and a lady-like consideration for others1 a point in which the present generation essentially fails1 are the best guides for steering between the extremes of demonstration on the one hand1 and of frigidity on the other4 ,during the arrangement of pecuniary matters1 a young lady should endeavor to understand what is going on1 receiving it in a right spirit4 ,if she has fortune1 she should1 in all points left to her1 be generous and confiding1 at the same time prudent4 ,many a man1 she should remember1 may abound in excellent qualities1 and yet be improvident4 ,he may mean to do well1 yet have a passion for building2 he may be the very soul of good nature1 yet fond of the gaming-table2 he may have no wrong propensities of that sort1 and yet have a confused notion of accounts1 and be one of those men who muddle away a great deal of money1 no one knows how2 or he may be a too strict economist1 a man who takes too good care of the pence1 till he tires your very life out about an extra dollar2 or he may be facile or weakly good natured1 and have a friend who preys on him1 and for whom he is disposed to become security4 ,finally1 the beloved ,charles1 ,henry1 or ,reginald may have none of these propensities1 but may chance to be an honest merchant1 or a tradesman1 with all his floating capital in business1 and a consequent risk of being one day rich1 the next a pauper4 ,upon every account1 therefore1 it is desirable for a young lady to have a settlement on her2 and she should not1 from a weak spirit of romance1 oppose her friends who advise it1 since it is for her husband's advantage as well as her own4 ,by making a settlement there is always a fund which cannot be touched--a something1 however small1 as a provision for a wife and children2 and whether she have fortune or not1 this ought to be made4 ,an allowance for dress should also be arranged2 and this should be administered in such a way that a wife should not have to ask for it at inconvenient hours1 and thus irritate her husband4 ,every preliminary being settled1 there remains nothing except to fix the marriage-day1 a point always left to the lady to advance2 and next to settle how the ceremonial is to be performed is the subject of consideration4 ,it is to be lamented that1 previous to so solemn a ceremony1 the thoughts of the lady concerned must necessarily be engaged for some time upon her trousseau4 ,the trousseau consists1 in this country1 of all the habiliments necessary for a lady's use for the first two or three years of her married life2 like every other outfit there are always a number of articles introduced into it that are next to useless1 and are only calculated for the vain-glory of the ostentatious4 ,the trousseau being completed1 and the day fixed1 it becomes necessary to select the bridesmaids and the bridegroom's man1 and to invite the guests4 ,the bridesmaids are from two to eight in number4 ,it is ridiculous to have many1 as the real intention of the bridesmaid is1 that she should act as a witness of the marriage4 ,it is1 however1 thought a compliment to include the bride's sisters and those of the bridegroom's relations and intimate friends1 in case sisters do not exist4 ,when a bride is young the bridesmaids should be young2 but it is absurd to see a 'single woman of a certain age1' or a widow1 surrounded by blooming girls1 making her look plain and foolish4 ,for them the discreet woman of thirty-five is more suitable as a bridesmaid4 ,custom decides that the bridesmaids should be spinsters1 but there is no legal objection to a married woman being a bridesmaid1 should it be necessary1 as it might be abroad1 or at sea1 or where ladies are few in number4 ,great care should be taken not to give offence in the choice of bridesmaids by a preference1 which is always in bad taste on momentous occasions4 ,the guests at the wedding should be selected with similar attention to what is right and kind1 with consideration to those who have a claim on us1 not only to what we ourselves prefer4 ,for a great wedding breakfast1 it is customary to send out printed cards from the parents or guardians from whose house the young lady is to be married4 ,early in the day1 before eleven1 the bride should be dressed1 taking breakfast in her own room4 ,in ,america they load a bride with lace flounces on a rich silk1 and even sometimes with ornaments4 ,in ,france it is always remembered1 with better taste1 that when a young lady goes up to the altar1 she is 'encore jeune fille2' her dress1 therefore1 is exquisitely simple2 a dress of tulle over white silk1 a long1 wide veil of white tulle1 going down to the very feet1 a wreath of maiden-blush-roses interspersed with orange flowers4 ,this is the usual costume of a ,french bride of rank1 or in the middle classes equally4 ,the gentleman's dress should differ little from his full morning costume4 ,the days are gone by when gentlemen were married--as a recently deceased friend of mine was--in white satin breeches and waistcoat4 ,in these days men show less joy in their attire at the fond consummation of their hopes1 and more in their faces4 ,a dark-blue frock-coat--black being superstitiously considered ominous--a white waistcoat1 and a pair of light trousers1 suffice for the 'happy man4' ,the neck-tie also should be light and simple4 ,polished boots are not amiss1 though plain ones are better4 ,the gloves must be as white as the linen4 ,both are typical--for in these days types are as important as under the ,hebrew law-givers--of the purity of mind and heart which are supposed to exist in their wearer4 ,eheu6 after all1 he cannot be too well dressed1 for the more gay he is the greater the compliment to his bride4 ,flowers in the button-hole and a smile on the face show the bridegroom to be really a 'happy man4' ,as soon as the carriages are at the door1 those bridesmaids1 who happen to be in the house1 and the other members of the family set off first4 ,the bride goes last1 with her father and mother1 or with her mother alone1 and the brother or relative who is to represent her father in case of death or absence4 ,the bridegroom1 his friend1 or bridegroom's man1 and the bridesmaids ought to be waiting in the church4 ,the father of the bride gives her his arm1 and leads her to the altar4 ,here her bridesmaids stand near her1 as arranged by the clerk1 and the bridegroom takes his appointed place4 ,it is a good thing for the bridegroom's man to distribute the different fees to the clergyman or clergymen1 the clerk1 and pew-opener1 before the arrival of the bride1 as it prevents confusion afterwards4 ,the bride stands to the left of the bridegroom1 and takes the glove off her right hand1 whilst he takes his glove off his right hand4 ,the bride gives her glove to the bridesmaid to hold1 and sometimes to keep1 as a good omen4 ,the service then begins4 ,during the recital1 it is certainly a matter of feeling how the parties concerned should behave2 but if tears can be restrained1 and a quiet modesty in the lady displayed1 and her emotions subdued1 it adds much to the gratification of others1 and saves a few pangs to the parents from whom she is to part4 ,it should be remembered that this is but the closing scene of a drama of some duration--first the offer1 then the consent and engagement4 ,in most cases the marriage has been preceded by acts which have stamped the whole with certainty1 although we do not adopt the contract system of our forefathers1 and although no event in this life can be certain4 ,i have omitted the mention of the bouquet1 because it seems to me always an awkward addition to the bride1 and that it should be presented afterwards on her return to the breakfast4 ,gardenias1 if in season1 white azalia1 or even camellias1 with very little orange flowers1 form the bridal bouquet4 ,the bridesmaids are dressed1 on this occasion1 so as to complete the picture with effect4 ,when there are six or eight1 it is usual for three of them to dress in one color1 and three in another4 ,at some of the most fashionable weddings in ,london1 the bridesmaids wear veils--these are usually of net or tulle2 white tarlatan dresses1 over muslin or beautifully-worked dresses1 are much worn1 with colors introduced--pink or blue1 and scarves of those colors2 and white bonnets1 if bonnets are worn1 trimmed with flowers to correspond4 ,these should be simple1 but the flowers as natural as possible1 and of the finest quality4 ,the bouquets of the bridesmaids should be of mixed flowers4 ,these they may have at church1 but the present custom is for the gentlemen of the house to present them on their return home1 previous to the wedding breakfast4 ,the register is then signed4 ,the bride quits the church first with the bridegroom1 and gets into his carriage1 and the father and mother1 bridesmaids1 and bridegroom's man1 follow in order in their own4 ,the breakfast is arranged on one or more tables1 and is generally provided by a confectioner when expense is not an object4 ,presents are usual1 first from the bridegroom to the bridesmaids4 ,these generally consist of jewelry1 the device of which should be unique or quaint1 the article more elegant than massive4 ,the female servants of the family1 more especially servants who have lived many years in their place1 also expect presents1 such as gowns or shawls2 or to a very valued personal attendant or housekeeper1 a watch4 ,but on such points discretion must suggest1 and liberality measure out the largesse of the gift4 ,when the ceremony is performed at the house of the bride1 the bridegroom should be ready full half an hour before the time appointed1 and enter the parlor at the head of his army of bridesmaids and groomsmen1 with his fair bride on his arm4 ,in ,america a groomsman is allowed for each bridesmaid1 whilst in ,england one poor man is all that is allowed for six1 sometimes eight bridesmaids4 ,the brothers or very intimate friends of the bride and groom are usually selected for groomsmen4 ,,chapter ,,xvii4 ,,etiquette ,,for ,,places ,,of ,,amusement4 ,when you wish to invite a lady to accompany you to the theatre1 opera1 a concert1 or any other public place of amusement1 send the invitation the day previous to the one selected for taking her1 and write it in the third person4 ,if it is the first time you have invited her1 include her mother1 sister1 or some other lady in the invitation4 ,if she accepts your invitation1 let it be your next care to secure good seats1 for it is but a poor compliment to invite a lady to go to the opera1 and put her in an uncomfortable seat1 where she can neither hear1 see1 nor be seen4 ,although1 when alone1 you will act a courteous part in giving your seat to a strange lady1 who is standing1 in a crowded concert room1 you should not do so when you are with a lady4 ,by giving up your place beside her1 you may place a lady next her1 whom she will find an unpleasant companion1 and you are yourself separated from her1 when the conversation between the acts makes one of the greatest pleasures of an evening spent in this way4 ,in case of accident1 too1 he deprives her of his protection1 and gives her the appearance of having come alone4 ,your first duty1 when you are escorting a lady1 is to that lady before all others4 ,when you are with a lady at a place of amusement1 you must not leave your seat until you rise to escort her home4 ,if at the opera1 you may invite her to promenade between the acts1 but if she declines1 do you too remain in your seat4 ,let all your conversation be in a low tone1 not whispered1 nor with any air of mystery1 but in a tone that will not disturb those seated near you4 ,any lover-like airs or attitudes1 although you may have the right to assume them1 are in excessively bad taste in public4 ,if the evening you have appointed be a stormy one1 you must call for your companion with a carriage1 and this is the more elegant way of taking her even if the weather does not make it absolutely necessary4 ,when you are entering a concert room1 or the box of a theatre1 walk before your companion up the aisle1 until you reach the seats you have secured1 then turn1 offer your hand to her1 and place her in the inner seat1 taking the outside one yourself2 in going out1 if the aisle is too narrow to walk two abreast1 you again precede your companion until you reach the lobby1 where you turn and offer your arm to her4 ,loud talking1 laughter1 or mistimed applause1 are all in very bad taste1 for if you do not wish to pay strict attention to the performance1 those around you probably do1 and you pay but a poor compliment to your companion in thus implying her want of interest in what she came to see4 ,secure your programme1 libretto1 or concert bill1 before taking your seat1 as1 if you leave it1 in order to obtain them1 you may find some one else occupying your place when you return1 and when the seats are not secured1 he may refuse to rise1 thus giving you the alternative of an altercation1 or leaving your companion without any protector4 ,or1 you may find a lady in your seat1 in which case1 you have no alternative1 but must accept the penalty of your carelessness1 by standing all the evening4 ,in a crowd1 do not push forward1 unheeding whom you hurt or inconvenience1 but try to protect your companion1 as far as possible1 and be content to take your turn4 ,if your seats are secured1 call for your companion in time to be seated some three or four minutes before the performance commences1 but if you are visiting a hall where you cannot engage seats1 it is best to go early4 ,if you are alone and see ladies present with whom you are acquainted1 you may1 with perfect propriety1 go and chat with them between the acts1 but when with a lady1 never leave her to speak to another lady4 ,at an exhibition of pictures or statuary1 you may converse1 but let it be in a quiet1 gentlemanly tone1 and without gesture or loud laughter4 ,if you stand long before one picture or statue1 see that you are not interfering with others who may wish to see the same work of art4 ,if you are engaged in conversation1 and wish to rest1 do not take a position that will prevent others from seeing any of the paintings1 but sit down1 or stand near the centre of the room4 ,never1 unless urgently solicited1 attach yourself to any party at a place of amusement1 even if some of the members of it are your own relatives or intimate friends4 ,,chapter ,,xviii4 ,,miscellaneous4 ,when you are walking with a lady who has your arm1 be careful to keep step with her1 and do not force her to take long1 unladylike steps1 or trot beside you with two steps to one of yours1 by keeping your usual manly stride4 ,never allow a lady1 with whom you are walking1 to carry a bundle1 shawl1 or bag1 unless both your hands are already occupied in her service4 ,when you attend a wedding or bridal reception1 it is the bridegroom whom you are to congratulate1 offering to the bride your wishes for her future happiness1 but not congratulation4 ,if you are acquainted with the bridegroom1 but not with the bride1 speak to him first1 and he will introduce you to his bride1 but in any other case1 you must speak first to the bride1 then to the bridegroom1 then the bridesmaids1 if you have any previous acquaintance with them1 then to the parents and family of the bride1 and after all this you are at liberty to seek your other friends among the guests4 ,if you are personally a stranger to the newly married couple1 but have received a card from being a friend of one of the families or from any other reason1 it is the first groomsman's place to introduce you1 and you should give him your card1 or mention your name1 before he leads you to the bride4 ,always remove a chair or stool that stands in the way of a lady passing1 even though she is an entire stranger to you4 ,you may hand a chair to a strange lady1 in a hotel1 or upon a boat2 you may hand her water1 if you see her rise to obtain it1 and at a hotel table you may pass her the dishes near you1 with perfect propriety4 ,in this country where every other man uses tobacco1 it may not be amiss to say a few words on smoking4 ,dr4 ,prout says1 ,tobacco is confessedly one of the most virulent poisons in nature4 ,yet such is the fascinating influence of this noxious weed1 that mankind resort to it in every form they can devise1 to ensure its stupifying and pernicious agency4 ,tobacco disorders the assimilating functions in general1 but particularly1 as ,i believe1 the assimilation of the saccharine principle4 ,i have never1 indeed1 been able to trace the development of oxalic acid to the use of tobacco2 but that some analogous1 and equally poisonous principle 7probably of an acid nature71 is generated in certain individuals by its abuse1 is evident from their cachectic looks1 and from the dark1 and often greenish yellow tint of the blood4 ,the severe and peculiar dyspeptic symptoms sometimes produced by inveterate snuff-taking are well known2 and ,i have more than once seen such cases terminate fatally with malignant disease of the stomach and liver4 ,great smokers1 also1 especially those who employ short pipes and cigars1 are said to be liable to cancerous affections of the lips4 ,yet1 in spite of such warnings met with every day1 ,young ,america1 ,middle-aged ,america1 and ,old ,america will continue to use the poison1 and many even use it in excess4 ,an ,english writer gives some very good rules for the times and places where smoking may be allowed1 which ,i quote for the use of smokers on this side of the water4 ,he says3 ,but what shall ,i say of the fragrant weed which ,raleigh taught our gallants to puff in capacious bowls2 which a royal pedant denounced in a famous ',counterblast2' which his flattering laureate1 ,ben ,jonson1 ridiculed to please his master2 which our wives and sisters protest gives rise to the dirtiest and most unsociable habit a man can indulge in2 of which some fair favorers declare that they love the smell1 and others that they will never marry an indulger 7which1 by the way1 they generally end in doing72 which has won a fame over more space and among better men than ,noah's grape has ever done2 which doctors still dispute about1 and boys still get sick over2 but which is the solace of the weary laborer2 the support of the ill-fed2 the refresher of over-wrought brains2 the soother of angry fancies2 the boast of the exquisite2 the excuse of the idle2 the companion of the philosopher2 and the tenth muse of the poet4 ,i will go neither into the medical nor the moral question about the dreamy1 calming cloud4 ,i will content myself so far with saying what may be said for everything that can bless and curse mankind1 that1 in moderation1 it is at least harmless2 but what is moderate and what is not1 must be determined in each individual case1 according to the habits and constitution of the subject4 ,if it cures asthma1 it may destroy digestion2 if it soothes the nerves1 it may1 in excess1 produce a chronic irritability4 ,but ,i will regard it in a social point of view2 and1 first1 as a narcotic1 notice its effects on the individual character4 ,i believe1 then1 that in moderation it diminishes the violence of the passions1 and1 particularly1 that of the temper4 ,interested in the subject1 ,i have taken care to seek instances of members of the same family having the same violent tempers by inheritance1 of whom the one has been calmed down by smoking1 and the other gone on in his passionate course4 ,i believe that it induces a habit of calm reflectiveness1 which causes us to take less prejudiced1 perhaps less zealous views of life1 and to be1 therefore1 less irritable in our converse with our fellow creatures4 ,i am inclined to think that the clergy1 the squirearchy1 and the peasantry are the most prejudiced and most violent classes in this country2 there may be other reasons for this1 but it is noteworthy that these are the classes which smoke least4 ,on the other hand1 ,i confess that it induces a certain lassitude1 and a lounging1 easy mode of life1 which are fatal both to the precision of manners and the vivacity of conversation4 ,the mind of a smoker is contemplative rather than active2 and if the weed cures our irritability1 it kills our wit4 ,i believe that it is a fallacy to suppose that it encourages drinking4 ,there is more drinking and less smoking in ,england than in any other country of the civilized world4 ,there was more drinking among the gentry of last century1 who never smoked at all4 ,smoke and wine do not go well together4 ,coffee or beer are its best accompaniments1 and the one cannot intoxicate1 the other must be largely imbibed to do so4 ,i have observed among young bachelors that very little wine is drunk in their chambers1 and that beer is gradually taking its place4 ,the cigar1 too1 is an excuse for rising from the dinner-table where there are no ladies to go to4 ,in another point of view1 ,i am inclined to think that smoking has conduced to make the society of men1 when alone1 less riotous1 less quarrelsome1 and even less vicious than it was4 ,where young men now blow a common cloud1 they were formerly driven to a fearful consumption of wine1 and this in their heads1 they were ready and roused to any iniquity4 ,but the pipe is the bachelor's wife4 ,with it he can endure solitude longer1 and is not forced into low society in order to shun it4 ,with it1 too1 the idle can pass many an hour1 which otherwise he would have given1 not to work1 but to extravagant devilries4 ,with it he is no longer restless and impatient for excitement of any kind4 ,we never hear now of young blades issuing in bands from their wine to beat the watch or disturb the slumbering citizens1 as we did thirty or forty years ago1 when smoking was still a rarity2 they are all puffing harmlessly in their chambers now4 ,but1 on the other hand1 ,i foresee with dread a too tender allegiance to the pipe1 to the destruction of good society1 and the abandonment of the ladies4 ,no wonder they hate it1 dear creatures2 the pipe is the worst rival a woman can have1 and it is one whose eyes she cannot scratch out2 who improves with age1 while she herself declines2 who has an art which no woman possesses1 that of never wearying her devotee2 who is silent1 yet a companion2 costs little1 yet gives much pleasure2 who1 lastly1 never upbraids1 and always yields the same joy4 ,ah6 this is a powerful rival to wife or maid1 and no wonder that at last the woman succumbs1 consents1 and1 rather than lose her lord or master1 even supplies the hated herb with her own fair hands4 ,there are rules to limit this indulgence4 ,one must never smoke1 nor even ask to smoke1 in the company of the fair4 ,if they know that in a few minutes you will be running off to your cigar1 the fair will do well--say it is in a garden1 or so--to allow you to bring it out and smoke it there4 ,one must never smoke1 again1 in the streets2 that is1 in daylight4 ,the deadly crime may be committed1 like burglary1 after dark1 but not before4 ,one must never smoke in a room inhabited at times by the ladies2 thus1 a well-bred man who has a wife or sisters1 will not offer to smoke in the dining-room after dinner4 ,one must never smoke in a public place1 where ladies are or might be1 for instance1 a flower-show or promenade4 ,one may smoke in a railway-carriage in spite of by-laws1 if one has first obtained the consent of every one present2 but if there be a lady there1 though she give her consent1 smoke not4 ,in nine cases out of ten1 she will give it from good nature4 ,one must never smoke in a close carriage2 one may ask and obtain leave to smoke when returning from a pic-nic or expedition in an open carriage4 ,one must never smoke in a theatre1 on a race-course1 nor in church4 ,this last is not1 perhaps1 a needless caution4 ,in the ,belgian churches you see a placard announcing1 ',ici on ne mche pas du tabac4' ,one must never smoke when anybody shows an objection to it4 ,one must never smoke a pipe in the streets2 one must never smoke at all in the coffee-room of a hotel4 ,one must never smoke1 without consent1 in the presence of a clergyman1 and one must never offer a cigar to any ecclesiastic4 ,but if you smoke1 or if you are in the company of smokers1 and are to wear your clothes in the presence of ladies afterwards1 you must change them to smoke in4 ,a host who asks you to smoke1 will generally offer you an old coat for the purpose4 ,you must also1 after smoking1 rinse the mouth well out1 and1 if possible1 brush the teeth4 ,you should never smoke in another person's house without leave1 and you should not ask leave to do so if there are ladies in the house4 ,when you are going to smoke a cigar you should offer one at the same time to anybody present1 if not a clergyman or a very old man4 ,you should always smoke a cigar given to you1 whether good or bad1 and never make any remarks on its quality4 ,smoking reminds me of spitting1 but as this is at all times a disgusting habit1 ,i need say nothing more than--never indulge in it4 ,besides being coarse and atrocious1 it is very bad for the health4 ,chesterfield warns his son against faults in good breeding in the following words1 and these warnings will be equally applicable to the student of etiquette in the present day4 ,he says3-- ,of the lesser talents1 good breeding is the principal and most necessary one1 not only as it is very important in itself1 but as it adds great lustre to the more solid advantages both of the heart and the mind4 ,i have often touched upon good breeding to you before2 so that this letter shall be upon the next necessary qualification to it1 which is a genteel and easy manner and carriage1 wholly free from those odd tricks1 ill-habits1 and awkwardnesses1 which even many very worthy and sensible people have in their behaviour4 ,however trifling a genteel manner may sound1 it is of very great consequence towards pleasing in private life1 especially the women1 which one time or other1 you will think worth pleasing2 and ,i have known many a man from his awkwardness1 give people such a dislike of him at first1 that all his merit could not get the better of it afterwards4 ,whereas a genteel manner prepossesses people in your favor1 bends them towards you1 and makes them wish to be like you4 ,awkwardness can proceed but from two causes2 either from not having kept good company1 or from not having attended to it4 ,in good company do you take care to observe their ways and manners1 and to form your own upon them4 ,attention is absolutely necessary for this1 as1 indeed1 it is for everything else2 and a man without attention is not fit to live in the world4 ,when an awkward fellow first comes into a room1 it is highly probable that he goes and places himself in the very place of the whole room where he should not2 there he soon lets his hat fall down1 and1 in taking it up again1 throws down his cane2 in recovering his cane1 his hat falls a second time1 so that he is quarter of an hour before he is in order again4 ,if he drinks tea or coffee1 he certainly scalds his mouth1 and lets either the cup or saucer fall1 and spills either the tea or coffee4 ,at dinner his awkwardness distinguishes itself particularly1 as he has more to do2 there he holds his knife1 fork1 and spoon differently from other people1 eats with his knife1 to the great danger of his mouth1 picks his teeth with his fork1 and puts his spoon1 which has been in his throat twenty times1 into the dishes again4 ,if he is to carve1 he can never hit the joint3 but1 in his vain efforts to cut through the bone1 scatters the sauce in everybody's face4 ,he generally daubs himself with soup and grease1 though his napkin is commonly stuck through a button-hole1 and tickles his chin4 ,when he drinks1 he infallibly coughs in his glass1 and besprinkles the company4 ,besides all this1 he has strange tricks and gestures2 such as snuffing up his nose1 making faces1 putting his finger in his nose1 or blowing it and looking afterwards in his handkerchief so as to make the company sick4 ,his hands are troublesome to him1 when he has not something in them1 and he does not know where to put them2 but they are in perpetual motion between his bosom and his breeches2 he does not wear his clothes1 and1 in short1 he does nothing like other people4 ,all this1 ,i own1 is not in any degree criminal2 but it is highly disagreeable and ridiculous in company1 and ought most carefully to be avoided1 by whoever desires to please4 ,from this account of what you should not do1 you may easily judge what you should do2 and a due attention to the manners of people of fashion1 and who have seen the world1 will make it habitual and familiar to you4 ,there is1 likewise1 an awkwardness of expression and words1 most carefully to be avoided2 such as false ,english1 bad pronunciation1 old sayings1 and common proverbs2 which are so many proofs of having kept bad and low company4 ,for example1 if1 instead of saying that tastes are different1 and that every man has his own peculiar one1 you should let off a proverb1 and say1 ,that what is one man's meat is another man's poison2 or else1 ,every one as they like1 as the good man said when he kissed his cow2 everybody would be persuaded that you had never kept company with anybody above footmen and housemaids4 ,attention will do all this1 and without attention nothing is to be done2 want of attention1 which is really want of thought1 is either folly or madness4 ,you should not only have attention to everything1 but a quickness of attention1 so as to observe1 at once1 all the people in the room1 their motions1 their looks1 and their words1 and yet without staring at them1 and seeming to be an observer4 ,this quick and unobserved observation is of infinite advantage in life1 and is to be acquired with care2 and1 on the contrary1 what is called absence1 which is thoughtlessness1 and want of attention about what is doing1 makes a man so like either a fool or a madman1 that1 for my part1 ,i see no real difference4 ,a fool never has thought2 a madman has lost it2 and an absent man is1 for the time1 without it4 ,i would warn you against those disagreeable tricks and awkwardnesses1 which many people contract when they are young1 by the negligence of their parents1 and cannot get quit of them when they are old2 such as odd motions1 strange postures1 and ungenteel carriage4 ,but there is likewise an awkwardness of the mind1 that ought to be1 and with care may be1 avoided2 as1 for instance1 to mistake names2 to speak of ,mr4 ,what-d'ye-call-him1 or ,mrs4 ,thingum1 or ,how-d'ye-call-her1 is excessively awkward and ordinary4 ,to call people by improper titles and appellations is so too4 ,to begin a story or narration when you are not perfect in it1 and cannot go through with it1 but are forced1 possibly1 to say1 in the middle of it1 ',i have forgotten the rest1' is very unpleasant and bungling4 ,one must be extremely exact1 clear1 and perspicuous1 in everything one says1 otherwise1 instead of entertaining1 or informing others1 one only tires and puzzles them4 ,the voice and manner of speaking1 too1 are not to be neglected2 some people almost shut their mouths when they speak1 and mutter so1 that they are not to be understood2 others speak so fast1 and sputter1 that they are not to be understood neither2 some always speak as loud as if they were talking to deaf people2 and others so low that one cannot hear them4 ,all these habits are awkward and disagreeable1 and are to be avoided by attention2 they are the distinguishing marks of the ordinary people1 who have had no care taken of their education4 ,you cannot imagine how necessary it is to mind all these little things2 for ,i have seen many people with great talents ill-received1 for want of having these talents1 too2 and others well received1 only from their little talents1 and who have had no great ones4 ,nothing is in worse taste in society than to repeat the witticisms or remarks of another person as if they were your own4 ,if you are discovered in the larceny of another's ideas1 you may originate a thousand brilliant ones afterwards1 but you will not gain the credit of one4 ,if you quote your friend's remarks1 give them as quotations4 ,be cautious in the use of your tongue4 ,wise men say1 that a man may repent when he has spoken1 but he will not repent if he keeps silence4 ,if you wish to retain a good position in society1 be careful to return all the visits which are paid to you1 promptly1 and do not neglect your calls upon ladies1 invalids1 and men older than yourself4 ,visiting cards should be small1 perfectly plain1 with your name1 and1 if you will1 your address engraved upon it4 ,a handsomely written card is the most elegant one for a gentleman1 after that comes the engraved one2 a printed one is very seldom used1 and is not at all elegant4 ,have no fanciful devices1 ornamented edges1 or flourishes upon your visiting cards1 and never put your profession or business upon any but business cards1 unless it is as a prefix or title3 as1 ,dr41 ,capt41 ,col41 or ,gen41 in case you are in the army or navy1 put ,u4,s4,n41 or ,u4,s4,a4 after your name1 but if you are only in the militia1 avoid the vulgarity of using your title1 excepting when you are with your company or on a parade4 ,tinted cards may be used1 but plain white ones are much more elegant4 ,if you leave a card at a hotel or boarding house1 write the name of the person for whom it is intended above your own1 on the card4 ,in directing a letter1 put first the name of the person for whom it is intended1 then the name of the city1 then that of the state in which he resides4 ,if you send it to the care of another person1 or to a boarding house1 or hotel1 you can put that name either after the name of your correspondent1 or in the left hand corner of the letter--thus3-- ,,mr4 ,j4 ,s4 ,,jones1 ,care of ,mr4 ,t4 ,c4 ,jones1 ,boston1 ,mass4 or1 ,,mr4 ,j4 ,s4 ,,jones1 ,boston1 ,mass4 ,revere ,house4 ,if your friend is in the army or navy1 put his title before his station after his name1 thus3-- ,,capt4 ,l4 ,,lewis1 ,u4,s4,a41 or1 ,,lieutenant ,t4 ,,roberts1 ,u4,s4,n4 ,if you send your letter by a private hand1 put the name of the bearer in the lower left hand corner of the envelope1 but put the name only4 ,politeness of1--or ,kindness of1 are obsolete1 and not used now at all4 ,write the direction thus3-- ,j4 ,l4 ,,holmes1 ,,esq41 ,revere ,house1 ,boston1 ,mass4 ,c4 ,l4 ,cutts1 ,esq4 ,this will let your friend1 ,mr4 ,holmes1 know that ,mr4 ,cutts is in ,boston1 which is the object to be gained by putting the name of the bearer on a letter1 sent by a private hand4 ,,guard ,,against ,,vulgar ,,language4 ,there is as much connection between the words and the thoughts as there is between the thoughts and the words2 the latter are not only the expression of the former1 but they have a power to re-act upon the soul and leave the stains of their corruption there4 ,a young man who allows himself to use one profane or vulgar word1 has not only shown that there is a foul spot on his mind1 but by the utterance of that word he extends that spot and inflames it1 till1 by indulgence1 it will soon pollute and ruin the whole soul4 ,be careful of your words as well as your thoughts4 ,if you can control the tongue1 that no improper words are pronounced by it1 you will soon be able to control the mind and save it from corruption4 ,you extinguish the fire by smothering it1 or by preventing bad thoughts bursting out in language4 ,never utter a word anywhere1 which you would be ashamed to speak in the presence of the most religious man4 ,try this practice a little1 and you will soon have command of yourself4 ,do not be known as an egotist4 ,no man is more dreaded in society1 or accounted a greater bore than he whose every other word is ,i1 me1 or my4 ,show an interest in all that others say of themselves1 but speak but little of your own affairs4 ,it is quite as bad to be a mere relater of scandal or the affairs of your neighbors4 ,a female gossip is detestable1 but a male gossip is not only detestable but utterly despicable4 ,a celebrated ,english lawyer gives the following directions for young men entering into business4 ,he says3-- ,,select ,,the ,,kind ,,of ,,business ,,that ,,suits ,,your ,,natural ,,inclinations ,,and ,,temperament4--,some men are naturally mechanics2 others have a strong aversion to anything like machinery1 and so on2 one man has a natural taste for one occupation in life1 and another for another4 ,i never could succeed as a merchant4 ,i have tried it1 unsuccessfully1 several times4 ,i never could be content with a fixed salary1 for mine is a purely speculative disposition1 while others are just the reverse2 and therefore all should be careful to select those occupations that suit them best4 ,,let ,,your ,,pledged ,,word ,,ever ,,be ,,sacred4--,never promise to do a thing without performing it with the most rigid promptness4 ,nothing is more valuable to a man in business than the name of always doing as he agrees1 and that to the moment4 ,a strict adherence to this rule gives a man the command of half the spare funds within the range of his acquaintance1 and encircles him with a host of friends1 who may be depended upon in any emergency4 ,,whatever ,,you ,,do1 ,,do ,,with ,,all ,,your ,,might4--,work at it1 if necessary1 early and late1 in season and out of season1 not leaving a stone unturned1 and never deferring for a single hour that which can just as well be done now4 ,the old proverb is full of truth and meaning--,whatever is worth doing at all1 is worth doing well4 ,many a man acquires a fortune by doing his business thoroughly1 while his neighbor remains poor for life1 because he only half does his business4 ,ambition1 energy1 industry1 and perseverance1 are indispensable requisites for success in business4 ,,sobriety4 ,,use ,,no ,,description ,,of ,,intoxicating ,,drinks4--,as no man can succeed in business unless he has a brain to enable him to lay his plans1 and reason to guide him in their execution1 so1 no matter how bountifully a man may be blessed with intelligence1 if his brain is muddled1 and his judgment warped by intoxicating drinks1 it is impossible for him to carry on business successfully4 ,how many good opportunities have passed never to return1 while a man was sipping a 'social glass' with a friend6 ,how many a foolish bargain has been made under the influence of the wine-cup1 which temporarily makes his victim so rich6 ,how many important chances have been put off until to-morrow1 and thence for ever1 because indulgence has thrown the system into a state of lassitude1 neutralizing the energies so essential to success in business4 ,the use of intoxicating drinks as a beverage is as much an infatuation as is the smoking of opium by the ,chinese1 and the former is quite as destructive to the success of the business man as the latter4 ,,let ,,hope ,,predominate1 ,,but ,,be ,,not ,,too ,,visionary4--,many persons are always kept poor because they are too visionary4 ,every project looks to them like certain success1 and1 therefore1 they keep changing from one business to another1 always in hot water1 and always 'under the harrow4' ,the plan of 'counting the chickens before they are hatched1' is an error of ancient date1 but it does not seem to improve by age4 ,,do ,,not ,,scatter ,,your ,,powers4--,engage in one kind of business only1 and stick to it faithfully until you succeed1 or until you conclude to abandon it4 ,a constant hammering on one nail will generally drive it home at last1 so that it can be clinched4 ,when a man's undivided attention is centered on one object1 his mind will continually be suggesting improvements of value1 which would escape him if his brain were occupied by a dozen different subjects at once4 ,many a fortune has slipped through men's fingers by engaging in too many occupations at once4 ,,engage ,,proper ,,employees4--,never employ a man of bad habits when one whose habits are good can be found to fill his situation4 ,i have generally been extremely fortunate in having faithful and competent persons to fill the responsible situations in my business2 and a man can scarcely be too grateful for such a blessing4 ,when you find a man unfit to fill his station1 either from incapacity or peculiarity of character or disposition1 dispense with his services1 and do not drag out a miserable existence in the vain attempt to change his nature4 ,it is utterly impossible to do so1 ',you cannot make a silk purse1' c4 ,he has been created for some other sphere2 let him find and fill it4 ,if you wish to succeed in society1 and be known as a man who converses well1 you must cultivate your memory4 ,do not smile and tell me that this is a gift1 not an acquirement4 ,it is true that some people have naturally a more retentive memory than others1 but those naturally most deficient may strengthen their powers by cultivation4 ,cultivate1 therefore1 this glorious faculty1 by storing and exercising it with trains of imagery4 ,accustom yourselves to look at any natural object1 and then consider how many facts and thoughts may be associated with it--how much of poetic imagery and refined combinations4 ,follow out this idea1 and you will find that imagination1 which is too often in youth permitted to build up castles in the air1 tenantless as they are unprofitable1 will become1 if duly exercised1 a source of much enjoyment4 ,i was led into this train of thought while walking in a beautiful country1 and seeing before me a glorious rainbow1 over-arching the valley which lay in front4 ,and not more quickly than its appearance1 came to my remembrance an admirable passage in the ,art of ,poetic ,painting1 wherein the author suggests the great mental advantage of exercising the mind on all subjects1 by considering-- ,what use can be made of them8 ,what remarks they will illustrate8 ,what representations they will serve8 ,what comparison they will furnish8 ,and while thus thinking1 ,i remembered that the ingenious author has instanced the rainbow as affording a variety of illustrations1 and capable1 in the imagery which it suggests1 of numerous combinations4 ,thus3 ,,the ,,hues ,,of ,,the ,,rainbow ,tinted the green and flowery banks of the stream2 ,tinged the white blossoms of the apple orchards2 ,shed a beauteous radiance on the grass2 ,veiled the waning moon and the evening star2 ,over-arched the mist of the waterfall2 ,reminded the looker-on of peace opposed to turbulence4 ,and illustrated the moral that even the most beautiful things of earth must pass away4 ,every book you read1 every natural object which meets your view1 may be the exercise of memory1 be made to furnish food both for reflection and conversation1 enjoyment for your own solitary hours1 and the means of making you popular in society4 ,believe me1 the man who--saw it1 to be sure1 but really forgot what it looked like1 who is met every day in society1 will not be sought after as will the man1 who1 bringing memory and fancy happily blended to bear upon what he sees1 can make every object worthy of remark familiar and interesting to those who have not seen it4 ,if you have leisure moments1 and what man has not8 do not consider them as spare atoms of time to be wasted1 idled away in profitless lounging4 ,always have a book within your reach1 which you may catch up at your odd minutes4 ,resolve to edge in a little reading every day1 if it is but a single sentence4 ,if you can give fifteen minutes a day1 it will be felt at the end of the year4 ,thoughts take up no room4 ,when they are right they afford a portable pleasure1 which one may travel or labor with without any trouble or incumbrance4 ,in your intercourse with other men1 let every word that falls from your lips1 bear the stamp of perfect truth4 ,no reputation can be more enviable than that of being known as a man who no consideration could force to soil his soul with a lie4 ,truth is naturally so acceptable to man1 so charming in herself1 that to make falsehood be received1 we are compelled to dress it up in the snow-white robes of ,truth2 as in passing base coin1 it must have the impress of the good ere it will pass current4 ,deception1 hypocrisy1 and dissimulation1 are1 when practised1 direct compliments to the power of ,truth2 and the common custom of passing off ,truth's counterfeit for herself1 is strong testimony in behalf of her intrinsic beauty and excellence4 ,next to being a man of talent1 a well-read man is the most agreeable in society1 and no investment of money or time is so profitable as that spent in good1 useful books1 and reading4 ,a good book is a lasting companion4 ,truths1 which it has taken years to glean1 are therein at once freely but carefully communicated4 ,we enjoy communion with the mind1 though not with the person of the writer4 ,thus the humblest man may surround himself by the wisest and best spirits of past and present ages4 ,no one can be solitary who possesses a book2 he owns a friend that will instruct him in moments of leisure or of necessity4 ,it is only necessary to turn open the leaves1 and the fountain at once gives forth its streams4 ,you may seek costly furniture for your homes1 fanciful ornaments for your mantel-pieces1 and rich carpets for your floors2 but1 after the absolute necessaries for a home1 give me books as at once the cheapest1 and certainly the most useful and abiding embellishments4 ,a true gentleman will not only refrain from ridiculing the follies1 ignorance1 or infirmities of others1 but he will not even allow himself to smile at them4 ,he will treat the rudest clown with the same easy courtesy which he would extend to the most polished gentleman1 and will never by word1 look1 or gesture show that he notices the faults1 or vulgarity of another4 ,personal deformity is a cross sent by ,god1 and none but a depraved1 wicked1 and brutal man could ridicule1 or even greet with a passing smile the unfortunate thus stamped4 ,even a word or look of pity will wound the sensitive1 but frank1 gentle courtesy1 the regard paid by a feeling man to the comfort of a cripple1 or that easy grace which1 while it shows no sign of seeing the deformity1 shows more deference to the afflicted one than to the more fortunate1 are all duly appreciated and acknowledged1 and win for the man who extends them the respect and love of all with whom he comes in contact4 ,remember that true wit never descends to personalities4 ,when you hear a man trying to be funny at the expense of his friends1 or even his enemies1 you may feel sure that his humor is forced1 and while it sinks to ill-nature1 cannot rise to the level of true wit4 ,never try to make yourself out to be a very important person4 ,if you are so really1 your friends will soon find it out1 if not1 they will not give you credit for being so1 because you try to force your fancied importance upon them4 ,a pompous fool1 though often seen1 is not much loved nor respected1 and you may remember that the frog who tried to make himself as big as an ox1 died in the attempt4 ,a severe wit once said1 ,if you do not wish to be the mark for slanderous tongues1 be the first to enter a room1 and the last to leave it4 ,if you are ever tempted to speak against a woman1 think first--,suppose she were my sister6 ,you can never gain anything by bringing your voice against a woman1 even though she may deserve contempt1 and your forbearance may shame others into a similar silence4 ,it is a cowardly tongue that will take a woman's name upon it to injure her2 though many men do this1 who would fear1--absolutely be afraid1 to speak against a man1 or that same woman1 had she a manly arm to protect her4 ,i again quote from the celebrated ,lord ,chesterfield1 who says3 ,it is good-breeding alone that can prepossess people in your favour at first sight1 more time being necessary to discover greater talents4 ,this good-breeding1 you know1 does not consist in low bows and formal ceremony2 but in an easy1 civil1 and respectful behaviour4 ,you will take care1 therefore1 to answer with complaisance1 when you are spoken to2 to place yourself at the lower end of the table1 unless bid to go higher2 to drink first to the lady of the house1 and next to the master2 not to eat awkwardly or dirtily2 not to sit when others stand2 and to do all this with an air of complaisance1 and not with a grave1 sour look1 as if you did it all unwillingly4 ,i do not mean a silly1 insipid smile1 that fools have when they would be civil2 but an air of sensible good-humor4 ,i hardly know anything so difficult to attain1 or so necessary to possess1 as perfect good-breeding2 which is equally inconsistent with a still formality1 and impertinent forwardness1 and an awkward bashfulness4 ,a little ceremony is often necessary2 a certain degree of firmness is absolutely so2 and an outward modesty is extremely becoming2 the knowledge of the world1 and your own observations1 must1 and alone can tell you the proper quantities of each4 ,i mentioned the general rules of common civility1 which1 whoever does not observe1 will pass for a bear1 and be as unwelcome as one1 in company2 there is hardly any body brutal enough not to answer when they are spoken to4 ,but it is not enough not to be rude2 you should be extremely civil1 and distinguished for your good breeding4 ,the first principle of this good breeding is never to say anything that you think can be disagreeable to any body in company2 but1 on the contrary1 you should endeavor to say what will be agreeable to them2 and that in an easy and natural manner1 without seeming to study for compliments4 ,there is likewise such a thing as a civil look1 and a rude look2 and you should look civil1 as well as be so2 for if1 while you are saying a civil thing1 you look gruff and surly1 as ,english bumpkins do1 nobody will be obliged to you for a civility that seemed to come so unwillingly4 ,if you have occasion to contradict any body1 or to set them right from a mistake1 it would be very brutal to say1 ',that is not so1 ,i know better1 or ,you are out2 but you should say with a civil look1 ,i beg your pardon1 ,i believe you mistake1 or1 ,if ,i may take the liberty of contradicting you1 ,i believe it is so and so2 for1 though you may know a thing better than other people1 yet it is very shocking to tell them so directly1 without something to soften it2 but remember particularly1 that whatever you say or do1 with ever so civil an intention1 a great deal consists in the manner and the look1 which must be genteel1 easy1 and natural1 and is easier to be felt than described4 ,civility is particularly due to all women2 and remember1 that no provocation whatsoever can justify any man in not being civil to every woman2 and the greatest man would justly be reckoned a brute1 if he were not civil to the meanest woman4 ,it is due to their sex1 and is the only protection they have against the superior strength of ours2 nay1 even a little flattery is allowable with women2 and a man may1 without meanness1 tell a woman that she is either handsomer or wiser than she is4 ,observe the ,french people1 and mind how easily and naturally civil their address is1 and how agreeably they insinuate little civilities in their conversation4 ,they think it so essential1 that they call an honest man and a civil man by the same name1 of honnte homme2 and the ,romans called civility humanitas1 as thinking it inseparable from humanity4 ,you cannot begin too early to take that turn1 in order to make it natural and habitual to you4 ,again1 speaking of the inconveniency of bashfulness1 he says3-- ,as for the mauvaise honte1 ,i hope you are above it4 ,your figure is like other people's2 ,i suppose you will care that your dress shall be so too1 and to avoid any singularity4 ,what then should you be ashamed of8 and why not go into a mixed company1 with as much ease and as little concern1 as you would go into your own room8 ,vice and ignorance are the only things ,i know1 which one ought to be ashamed of2 keep but clear of them1 and you may go anywhere without fear or concern4 ,i have known some people1 who1 from feeling the pain and inconveniences of this mauvaise honte1 have rushed into the other extreme1 and turned impudent1 as cowards sometimes grow desperate from the excess of danger2 but this too is carefully to be avoided1 there being nothing more generally shocking than impudence4 ,the medium between these two extremes marks out the well-bred man2 he feels himself firm and easy in all companies2 is modest without being bashful1 and steady without being impudent2 if he is a stranger1 he observes1 with care1 the manners and ways of the people most esteemed at that place1 and conforms to them with complaisance4 ,flattery is always in bad taste4 ,if you say more in a person's praise than is deserved1 you not only say what is false1 but you make others doubt the wisdom of your judgment4 ,open1 palpable flattery will be regarded by those to whom it is addressed as an insult4 ,in your intercourse with ladies1 you will find that the delicate compliment of seeking their society1 showing your pleasure in it1 and choosing for subjects of conversation1 other themes than the weather1 dress1 or the opera1 will be more appreciated by women of sense1 than the more awkward compliment of open words or gestures of admiration4 ,never imitate the eccentricities of other men1 even though those men have the highest genius to excuse their oddities4 ,eccentricity is1 at the best1 in bad taste2 but an imitation of it--second hand oddity--is detestable4 ,never feign abstraction in society4 ,if you have matters of importance which really occupy your mind1 and prevent you from paying attention to the proper etiquette of society1 stay at home till your mind is less preoccupied4 ,chesterfield says3-- ,what is commonly called an absent man1 is commonly either a very weak1 or a very affected man2 but be he which he will1 he is1 ,i am sure1 a very disagreeable man in company4 ,he fails in all the common offices of civility2 he seems not to know those people to-day1 whom yesterday he appeared to live in intimacy with4 ,he takes no part in the general conversation2 but1 on the contrary1 breaks into it from time to time1 with some start of his own1 as if he waked from a dream4 ,this 7as ,i said before7 is a sure indication1 either of a mind so weak that it is not able to bear above one object at a time2 or so affected1 that it would be supposed to be wholly engrossed by1 and directed to1 some very great and important objects4 ,sir ,isaac ,newton1 ,mr4 ,locke1 and 7it may be7 five or six more1 since the creation of the world1 may have had a right to absence1 from that intense thought which the things they were investigating required4 ,but if a young man1 and a man of the world1 who has no such avocations to plead1 will claim and exercise that right of absence in company1 his pretended right should1 in my mind1 be turned into an involuntary absence1 by his perpetual exclusion out of company4 ,however frivolous a company may be1 still1 while you are among them1 do not show them1 by your inattention1 that you think them so2 but rather take their tone1 and conform1 in some degree1 to their weakness1 instead of manifesting your contempt for them4 ,there is nothing that people bear more impatiently1 or forgive less1 than contempt2 and an injury is much sooner forgotten than an insult4 ,if1 therefore1 you would rather please than offend1 rather be well than ill-spoken of1 rather be loved than hated2 remember to have that constant attention about you1 which flatters every man's little vanity2 and the want of which1 by mortifying his pride1 never fails to excite his resentment1 or1 at least1 his ill will4 ,for instance3 most people 7,i might say all people7 have their weaknesses2 they have their aversions and their likings to such or such things2 so that1 if you were to laugh at a man for his aversion to a cat1 or cheese1 7which are common antipathies17 or1 by inattention and negligence1 to let them come in his way1 where you could prevent it1 he would1 in the first case1 think himself insulted1 and1 in the second1 slighted1 and would remember both4 ,whereas your care to procure for him what he likes1 and to remove from him what he hates1 shows him that he is1 at least1 an object of your attention2 flatters his vanity1 and makes him1 possibly1 more your friend than a more important service would have done4 ,with regard to women1 attentions still below these are necessary1 and1 by the custom of the world1 in some measure due1 according to the laws of good breeding4 ,in giving an entertainment to your friends1 while you avoid extravagant expenditure1 it is your duty to place before them the best your purse will permit you to purchase1 and be sure you have plenty4 ,abundance without superfluity1 and good quality without extravagance1 are your best rules for an entertainment4 ,if1 by the introduction of a friend1 by a mistake1 or in any other way1 your enemy1 or a man to whom you have the strongest personal dislike1 is under your roof1 or at your table1 as a guest1 hospitality and good breeding both require you to treat him with the same frank courtesy which you extend to your other guests2 though you need make no violent protestations of friendship1 and are not required to make any advances towards him after he ceases to be your guest4 ,in giving a dinner party1 invite only as many guests as you can seat comfortably at your table4 ,if you have two tables1 have them precisely alike1 or1 rest assured1 you will offend those friends whom you place at what they judge to be the inferior table4 ,above all1 avoid having little tables placed in the corners of the room1 when there is a large table4 ,at some houses in ,paris it is a fashion to set the dining room entirely with small tables1 which will accommodate comfortably three or four people1 and such parties are very merry1 very sociable and pleasant1 if four congenial people are around each table2 but it is a very dull fashion1 if you are not sure of the congeniality of each quartette of guests4 ,if you lose your fortune or position in society1 it is wiser to retire from the world of fashion than to wait for that world to bow you out4 ,if you are poor1 but welcome in society on account of your family or talents1 avoid the error which the young are most apt to fall into1 that of living beyond your means4 ,the advice of ,polonius to ,laertes is as excellent in the present day1 as it was in ,shakespeare's time3-- ,give thy thoughts no tongue1 ,nor any unproportioned thought his act4 ,be thou familiar1 but by no means vulgar4 ,the friends thou hast1 and their adoption tried1 ,grapple them to thy soul with hooks of steel3 ,but do not dull thy palm with entertainments ,of each new hatch'd1 unfledg'd comrade4 ,beware ,of entrance to a quarrel3 but1 being in1 ,bear it that the opposer may beware of thee4 ,give every man thine ear1 but few thy voice2 ,take each man's censure1 but reserve thy judgment4 ,costly thy habit as thy purse can buy1 ,but not express'd in fancy2 rich1 not gaudy2 ,for the apparel oft proclaims the man4 99 99 99 99 99 ,neither a borrower nor a lender be3 ,for loan oft loses both itself and friend2 ,and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry4 ,this above all1--,to thine ownself be true2 ,and it must follow1 as the night the day1 ,thou canst not then be false to any man4 ,it is by no means desirable to be always engaged in the serious pursuits of life4 ,take time for pleasure1 and you will find your work progresses faster for some recreation4 ,lord ,chesterfield says3 ,i do not regret the time that ,i passed in pleasures2 they were seasonable2 they were the pleasures of youth1 and ,i enjoyed them while young4 ,if ,i had not1 ,i should probably have overvalued them now1 as we are very apt to do what we do not know2 but knowing them as ,i do1 ,i know their real value1 and how much they are generally overrated4 ,nor do ,i regret the time that ,i have passed in business1 for the same reason2 those who see only the outside of it1 imagine it has hidden charms1 which they pant after2 and nothing but acquaintance can undeceive them4 ,i1 who have been behind the scenes1 both of pleasure and business1 and have seen all the springs and pullies of those decorations which astonish and dazzle the audience1 retire1 not only without regret1 but with contentment and satisfaction4 ,but what ,i do1 and ever shall regret1 is the time which1 while young1 ,i lost in mere idleness1 and in doing nothing4 ,this is the common effect of the inconsideracy of youth1 against which ,i beg you will be most carefully upon your guard4 ,the value of moments1 when cast up1 is immense1 if well employed2 if thrown away1 their loss is irrecoverable4 ,every moment may be put to some use1 and that with much more pleasure than if unemployed4 ,do not imagine that by the employment of time1 ,i mean an uninterrupted application to serious studies4 ,no2 pleasures are1 at proper times1 both as necessary and as useful2 they fashion and form you for the world2 they teach you characters1 and show you the human heart in its unguarded minutes4 ,but then remember to make that use of them4 ,i have known many people1 from laziness of mind1 go through both pleasure and business with equal inattention2 neither enjoying the one nor doing the other2 thinking themselves men of pleasure1 because they were mingled with those who were1 and men of business1 because they had business to do1 though they did not do it4 ,whatever you do1 do it to the purpose2 do it thoroughly1 not superficially4 ,approfondissez3 go to the bottom of things4 ,anything half done or half known1 is1 in my mind1 neither done nor known at all4 ,nay worse1 it often misleads4 ,there is hardly any place or any company where you may not gain knowledge1 if you please2 almost every body knows some one thing1 and is glad to talk upon that one thing4 ,seek and you will find1 in this world as well as in the next4 ,see everything2 inquire into everything2 and you may excuse your curiosity1 and the questions you ask1 which otherwise might be thought impertinent1 by your manner of asking them2 for most things depend a great deal upon the manner4 ,as1 for example1 ,i am afraid that ,i am very troublesome with my questions2 but nobody can inform me so well as you2 or something of that kind4 ,the same author1 speaking of the evils of pedantry1 says3-- ,every excellency1 and every virtue has its kindred vice or weakness2 and1 if carried beyond certain bounds1 sinks into one or the other4 ,generosity often runs into profusion1 economy into avarice1 courage into rashness1 caution into timidity1 and so on3--insomuch that1 ,i believe1 there is more judgment required for the proper conduct of our virtues1 than for avoiding their opposite vices4 ,vice1 in its true light1 is so deformed1 that it shocks us at first sight1 and would hardly ever seduce us1 if it did not at first wear the mask of some virtue4 ,but virtue is1 in itself1 so beautiful1 that it charms us at first sight2 engages us more and more upon further acquaintance2 and1 as with other beauties1 we think excess impossible1 it is here that judgment is necessary1 to moderate and direct the effects of an excellent cause4 ,i shall apply this reasoning1 at present1 not to any particular virtue1 but to an excellency1 which1 for want of judgment1 is often the cause of ridiculous and blameable effects2 ,i mean great learning2 which1 if not accompanied with sound judgment1 frequently carries us into error1 pride1 and pedantry4 ,as1 ,i hope1 you will possess that excellency in its utmost extent1 and yet without its too common failings1 the hints1 which my experience can suggest1 may probably not be useless to you4 ,some learned men1 proud of their knowledge1 only speak to decide1 and give judgment without appeal2 the consequence of which is1 that mankind1 provoked by the insult1 and injured by the oppression1 revolt2 and1 in order to shake off the tyranny1 even call the lawful authority in question4 ,the more you know1 the modester you should be2 and 7by the bye7 that modesty is the surest way of gratifying your vanity4 ,even where you are sure1 seem rather doubtful2 represent1 but do not pronounce2 and1 if you would convince others1 seem open to conviction yourself4 ,others1 to show their learning1 or often from the prejudices of a school education1 where they hear of nothing else1 are always talking of the ancients1 as something more than men1 and of the moderns1 as something less4 ,they are never without a classic or two in their pockets2 they stick to the old good sense2 they read none of the modern trash2 and will show you plainly that no improvement has been made in any one art or science these last seventeen hundred years4 ,i would1 by no means1 have you disown your acquaintance with the ancients2 but still less would ,i have you brag of an exclusive intimacy with them4 ,speak of the moderns without contempt1 and of the ancients without idolatry2 judge them all by their merits1 but not by their ages2 and if you happen to have an ,elzevir classic in your pocket1 neither show it nor mention it4 ,some great scholars1 most absurdly1 draw all their maxims1 both for public and private life1 from what they call parallel cases in the ancient authors2 without considering that1 in the first place1 there never were1 since the creation of the world1 two cases exactly parallel2 and1 in the next place1 that there never was a case stated1 or even known1 by any historian1 with every one of its circumstances2 which1 however1 ought to be known in order to be reasoned from4 ,reason upon the case itself1 and the several circumstances that attend it1 and act accordingly2 but not from the authority of ancient poets or historians4 ,take into your consideration1 if you please1 cases seemingly analogous2 but take them as helps only1 not as guides4 ,there is another species of learned men who1 though less dogmatical and supercilious1 are not less impertinent4 ,these are the communicative and shining pedants1 who adorn their conversation1 even with women1 by happy quotations of ,greek and ,latin2 and who have contracted such a familiarity with the ,greek and ,roman authors1 that they call them by certain names or epithets denoting intimacy4 ,as1 old ,homer2 that sly rogue ,horace2 ,maro1 instead of ,virgil2 and ,naso1 instead of ,ovid4 ,these are often imitated by coxcombs who have no learning at all1 but who have got some names and some scraps of ancient authors by heart1 which they improperly and impertinently retail in all companies1 in hopes of passing for scholars4 ,if1 therefore1 you would avoid the accusation of pedantry on one hand1 or the suspicion of ignorance on the other1 abstain from learned ostentation4 ,speak the language of the company that you are in2 speak it purely1 and unlarded with any other4 ,never seem wiser nor more learned than the people you are with4 ,wear your learning1 like your watch1 in a private pocket2 and do not pull it out and strike it1 merely to show that you have one4 ,if you are asked what o'clock it is1 tell it1 but do not proclaim it hourly and unasked1 like the watchman4 ,upon the whole1 remember that learning 7,i mean ,greek and ,roman learning7 is a most useful and necessary ornament1 which it is shameful not to be master of2 but1 at the same time1 most carefully avoid those errors and abuses which ,i have mentioned1 and which too often attend it4 ,remember1 too1 that great modern knowledge is still more necessary than ancient2 and that you had better know perfectly the present1 than the old state of the world2 though ,i would have you well acquainted with both4 ,if you are poor1 you must deprive yourself often of the pleasure of escorting ladies to ride1 the opera1 or other entertainments1 because it is understood in society that1 in these cases1 a gentleman pays all the expenses for both1 and in any emergency you may find your bill for carriage hire1 suppers1 bouquets1 or other unforeseen demands1 greater than you anticipated4 ,shun the card table4 ,even the friendly games common in society1 for small stakes1 are best avoided4 ,they feed the love of gambling1 and you will find that this love1 if once acquired1 is the hardest curse to get rid of4 ,it is in bad taste1 though often done1 to turn over the cards on a table1 when you are calling4 ,if your host or hostess finds you so doing1 it may lead them to suppose you value them more for their acquaintances than themselves4 ---------------------------------------- ------------------------------ ,transcriber's ,note3 ,inconsistencies in accents 7e4g4 tete a tete vs4 tte tte7 and hyphenation 7e4g4 ball room vs4 ball-room7 have not been corrected4 ,variant spellings have also been retained4 ,minor typographical errors 7e4g4 missing punctuation1 incorrect or duplicate letters7 have been corrected without note4 ,the following changes were also made to the text3 p4 #acj3 missing 'at' added 7too lazy to part it at all7 p4 #bee3 two asterisks changed to ellipsis 7before he begins any other44447 p4 #bff3 italics added to ',i' and removed from 'or' 7 ,i have the honor to acquaint you2 ,permit me to assure you2 or17 p4 #bib3 italics removed from 'of' 7largesse of7 p4 #ccb3 off to of 7get rid of7