,,the ,,confessions ,,of ,,jean ,,jacques ,,rousseau ,by ,jean ,jacques ,rousseau 7,in #ab books7 ,privately ,printed for the ,members of the ,aldus ,society ,london1 #aijc ,illustration3 cover ,illustration3 titlepage ,illustration3 frontispiece ,illustration3 rousseau ,,book ,i4 ,,introduction4 ,among the notable books of later times--we may say1 without exaggeration1 of all time--must be reckoned ,the ,confessions of ,jean ,jacques ,rousseau4 ,it deals with leading personages and transactions of a momentous epoch1 when absolutism and feudalism were rallying for their last struggle against the modern spirit1 chiefly represented by ,voltaire1 the ,encyclopedists1 and ,rousseau himself--a struggle to which1 after many fierce intestine quarrels and sanguinary wars throughout ,europe and ,america1 has succeeded the prevalence of those more tolerant and rational principles by which the statesmen of our own day are actuated4 ,on these matters1 however1 it is not our province to enlarge2 nor is it necessary to furnish any detailed account of our author's political1 religious1 and philosophic axioms and systems1 his paradoxes and his errors in logic3 these have been so long and so exhaustively disputed over by contending factions that little is left for even the most assiduous gleaner in the field4 ,the inquirer will find1 in ,mr4 ,john ,money's excellent work1 the opinions of ,rousseau reviewed succinctly and impartially4 ,the ',contrat ,social'1 the ',lettres ,ecrites de la ,montagne'1 and other treatises that once aroused fierce controversy1 may therefore be left in the repose to which they have long been consigned1 so far as the mass of mankind is concerned1 though they must always form part of the library of the politician and the historian4 ,one prefers to turn to the man ,rousseau as he paints himself in the remarkable work before us4 ,that the task which he undertook in offering to show himself--as ,persius puts it--',intus et in cute'1 to posterity1 exceeded his powers1 is a trite criticism2 like all human enterprises1 his purpose was only imperfectly fulfilled2 but this circumstance in no way lessens the attractive qualities of his book1 not only for the student of history or psychology1 but for the intelligent man of the world4 ,its startling frankness gives it a peculiar interest wanting in most other autobiographies4 ,many censors have elected to sit in judgment on the failings of this strangely constituted being1 and some have pronounced upon him very severe sentences4 ,let it be said once for all that his faults and mistakes were generally due to causes over which he had but little control1 such as a defective education1 a too acute sensitiveness1 which engendered suspicion of his fellows1 irresolution1 an overstrained sense of honour and independence1 and an obstinate refusal to take advice from those who really wished to befriend him2 nor should it be forgotten that he was afflicted during the greater part of his life with an incurable disease4 ,lord ,byron had a soul near akin to ,rousseau's1 whose writings naturally made a deep impression on the poet's mind1 and probably had an influence on his conduct and modes of thought3 ,in some stanzas of ',childe ,harold' this sympathy is expressed with truth and power2 especially is the weakness of the ,swiss philosopher's character summed up in the following admirable lines3 ,here the self-torturing sophist1 wild ,rousseau1 ,the apostle of affliction1 he who threw ,enchantment over passion1 and from woe ,wrung overwhelming eloquence1 first drew ,the breath which made him wretched2 yet he knew ,how to make madness beautiful1 and cast ,o'er erring deeds and thoughts a heavenly hue ,of words1 like sunbeams1 dazzling as they passed ,the eyes1 which o'er them shed tears feelingly and fast4 ,his life was one long war with self-sought foes1 ,or friends by him self-banished2 for his mind ,had grown ,suspicion's sanctuary1 and chose1 ,for its own cruel sacrifice1 the kind1 ',gainst whom he raged with fury strange and blind4 ,but he was frenzied1--wherefore1 who may know8 ,since cause might be which skill could never find2 ,but he was frenzied by disease or woe ,to that worst pitch of all1 which wears a reasoning show4 ,one would rather1 however1 dwell on the brighter hues of the picture than on its shadows and blemishes2 let us not1 then1 seek to draw his frailties from their dread abode4 ,his greatest fault was his renunciation of a father's duty to his offspring2 but this crime he expiated by a long and bitter repentance4 ,we cannot1 perhaps1 very readily excuse the way in which he has occasionally treated the memory of his mistress and benefactress4 ,that he loved ,madame de ,warens--his ',mamma'--deeply and sincerely is undeniable1 notwithstanding which he now and then dwells on her improvidence and her feminine indiscretions with an unnecessary and unbecoming lack of delicacy that has an unpleasant effect on the reader1 almost seeming to justify the remark of one of his most lenient critics--that1 after all1 ,rousseau had the soul of a lackey4 ,he possessed1 however1 many amiable and charming qualities1 both as a man and a writer1 which were evident to those amidst whom he lived1 and will be equally so to the unprejudiced reader of the ,confessions4 ,he had a profound sense of justice and a real desire for the improvement and advancement of the race4 ,owing to these excellences he was beloved to the last even by persons whom he tried to repel1 looking upon them as members of a band of conspirators1 bent upon destroying his domestic peace and depriving him of the means of subsistence4 ,those of his writings that are most nearly allied in tone and spirit to the ',confessions' are the ',reveries d'un ,promeneur ,solitaire' and ',la ,nouvelle ,heloise'4 ,his correspondence throws much light on his life and character1 as do also parts of ',emile'4 ,it is not easy in our day to realize the effect wrought upon the public mind by the advent of ',la ,nouvelle ,heloise'4 ,julie and ,saint-,preux became names to conjure with2 their ill-starred amours were everywhere sighed and wept over by the tender-hearted fair2 indeed1 in composing this work1 ,rousseau may be said to have done for ,switzerland what the author of the ,waverly ,novels did for ,scotland1 turning its mountains1 lakes and islands1 formerly regarded with aversion1 into a fairyland peopled with creatures whose joys and sorrows appealed irresistibly to every breast4 ,shortly after its publication began to flow that stream of tourists and travellers which tends to make ,switzerland not only more celebrated but more opulent every year4 ,it1 is one of the few romances written in the epistolary form that do not oppress the reader with a sense of languor and unreality2 for its creator poured into its pages a tide of passion unknown to his frigid and stilted predecessors1 and dared to depict ,nature as she really is1 not as she was misrepresented by the modish authors and artists of the age4 ,some persons seem shy of owning an acquaintance with this work2 indeed1 it has been made the butt of ridicule by the disciples of a decadent school4 ,its faults and its beauties are on the surface2 ,rousseau's own estimate is freely expressed at the beginning of the eleventh book of the ,confessions and elsewhere4 ,it might be wished that the preface had been differently conceived and worded2 for the assertion made therein that the book may prove dangerous has caused it to be inscribed on a sort of ,index1 and good folk who never read a line of it blush at its name4 ,its sensibility1 too1 is a little overdone1 and has supplied the wits with opportunities for satire2 for example1 ,canning1 in his ',new ,morality'3 ,sweet ,sensibility1 who dwells enshrined ,in the fine foldings ,sweet child of sickly ,fancy6--her of yore ,from her loved ,france ,rousseau to exile bore2 ,and while 'midst lakes and mountains wild he ran1 ,full of himself1 and shunned the haunts of man1 ,taught her o'er each lone vale and ,alpine1 steep ,to lisp the story of his wrongs and weep4 ,as might be imagined1 ,voltaire had slight sympathy with our social reformer's notions and ways of promulgating them1 and accordingly took up his wonted weapons--sarcasm and ridicule--against poor ,jean-,jacques4 ,the quarrels of these two great men cannot be described in this place2 but they constitute an important chapter in the literary and social history of the time4 ,in the work with which we are immediately concerned1 the author seems to avoid frequent mention of ,voltaire1 even where we should most expect it4 ,however1 the state of his mind when he penned this record of his life should be always remembered in relation to this as well as other occurrences4 ,rousseau had intended to bring his autobiography down to a later date1 but obvious causes prevented this3 hence it is believed that a summary of the chief events that marked his closing years will not be out of place here4 ,on quitting the ,ile de ,saint-,pierre he travelled to ,strasbourg1 where he was warmly received1 and thence to ,paris1 arriving in that city on ,december #af1 #agfe4 ,the ,prince de ,conti provided him with a lodging in the ,hotel ,saint-,simon1 within the precincts of the ,temple--a place of sanctuary for those under the ban of authority4 ',every one was eager to see the illustrious proscript1 who complained of being made a daily show1 like ,sancho ,panza in his island of ,barataria4 ,during his short stay in the capital there was circulated an ironical letter purporting to come from the ,great ,frederick1 but really written by ,horace ,walpole4 ,this cruel1 clumsy1 and ill-timed joke angered ,rousseau1 who ascribed it to1 ,voltaire4 ,a few sentences may be quoted3 ,my ,dear ,jean-,jacques1--,you have renounced ,geneva1 your native place4 ,you have caused your expulsion from ,switzerland1 a country so extolled in your writings2 ,france has issued a warrant against you3 so do you come to me4 ,my states offer you a peaceful retreat4 ,i wish you well1 and will treat you well1 if you will let me4 ,but1 if you persist in refusing my help1 do not reckon upon my telling any one that you did so4 ,if you are bent on tormenting your spirit to find new misfortunes1 choose whatever you like best4 ,i am a king1 and can procure them for you at your pleasure2 and1 what will certainly never happen to you in respect of your enemies1 ,i will cease to persecute you as soon as you cease to take a pride in being persecuted4 ,your good friend1 ,,frederick4 ,early in #agff ,david ,hume persuaded ,rousseau to go with him to ,england1 where the exile could find a secure shelter4 ,in ,london his appearance excited general attention4 ,edmund ,burke had an interview with him and held that inordinate vanity was the leading trait in his character4 ,mr4 ,davenport1 to whom he was introduced by ,hume1 generously offered ,rousseau a home at ,wootton1 in ,staffordshire1 near the ,peak ,country2 the latter1 however1 would only accept the offer on condition that he should pay a rent of ,l #cj a year4 ,he was accorded a pension of ,l #ajj by ,george ,,iii41 but declined to draw after the first annual payment4 ,the climate and scenery of ,wootton being similar to those of his native country1 he was at first delighted with his new abode1 where he lived with ,therese1 and devoted his time to herborising and inditing the first six books of his ,confessions4 ,soon1 however1 his old hallucinations acquired strength1 and ,rousseau convinced himself that enemies were bent upon his capture1 if not his death4 ,in ,june1 #agff1 he wrote a violent letter to ,hume1 calling him one of the worst of men4 ,literary ,paris had combined with ,hume and the ,english ,government to surround him--as he supposed--with guards and spies2 he revolved in his troubled mind all the reports and rumours he had heard for months and years2 ,walpole's forged letter rankled in his bosom2 and in the spring of #agfg he fled2 first to ,spalding1 in ,lincolnshire1 and subsequently to ,calais1 where he landed in ,may4 ,on his arrival in ,france his restless and wandering disposition forced him continually to change his residence1 and acquired for him the title of ,voyageur ,perpetuel4 ,while at ,trye1 in ,gisors1 in #agfg--h1 he wrote the second part of the ,confessions4 ,he had assumed the surname of ,renou1 and about this time he declared before two witnesses that ,therese was his wife--a proceeding to which he attached the sanctity of marriage4 ,in #aggj he took up his abode in ,paris1 where he lived continuously for seven years1 in a street which now bears his name1 and gained a living by copying music4 ,bernardin de ,saint-,pierre1 the author of ',paul and ,virginia'1 who became acquainted with him in #aggb1 has left some interesting particulars of ,rousseau's daily mode of life at this period4 ,monsieur de ,girardin having offered him an asylum at ,ermemonville in the spring of #aggh1 he and ,therese went thither to reside1 but for no long time4 ,on the #c;d of ,july1 in the same year1 this perturbed spirit at last found rest1 stricken by apoplexy4 ,a rumor that he had committed suicide was circulated1 but the evidence of trustworthy witnesses1 including a physician1 effectually contradicts this accusation4 ,his remains1 first interred in the ,ile des ,peupliers1 were1 after the ,revolution1 removed to the ,pantheon4 ,in later times the ,government of ,geneva made some reparation for their harsh treatment of a famous citizen1 and erected his statue1 modelled by his compatriot1 ,pradier1 on an island in the ,rhone4 ,see nations1 slowly wise and meanly just1 ,to buried merit raise the tardy bust4 ,november1 #ahif4 ,s4 ,w4 ,,orson4 ,,the ,,confessions ,,of ,j4 ,j4 ,,rousseau ,,book ,i4 ,i have entered upon a performance which is without example1 whose accomplishment will have no imitator4 ,i mean to present my fellow-mortals with a man in all the integrity of nature2 and this man shall be myself4 ,i know my heart1 and have studied mankind2 ,i am not made like any one ,i have been acquainted with1 perhaps like no one in existence2 if not better1 ,i at least claim originality1 and whether ,nature did wisely in breaking the mould with which she formed me1 can only be determined after having read this work4 ,whenever the last trumpet shall sound1 ,i will present myself before the sovereign judge with this book in my hand1 and loudly proclaim1 thus have ,i acted2 these were my thoughts2 such was ,i4 ,with equal freedom and veracity have ,i related what was laudable or wicked1 ,i have concealed no crimes1 added no virtues2 and if ,i have sometimes introduced superfluous ornament1 it was merely to occupy a void occasioned by defect of memory3 ,i may have supposed that certain1 which ,i only knew to be probable1 but have never asserted as truth1 a conscious falsehood4 ,such as ,i was1 ,i have declared myself2 sometimes vile and despicable1 at others1 virtuous1 generous and sublime2 even as thou hast read my inmost soul3 ,power eternal6 assemble round thy throne an innumerable throng of my fellow-mortals1 let them listen to my confessions1 let them blush at my depravity1 let them tremble at my sufferings2 let each in his turn expose with equal sincerity the failings1 the wanderings of his heart1 and1 if he dare1 aver1 ,i was better than that man4 ,i was born at ,geneva1 in #agab1 son of ,isaac ,rousseau and ,susannah ,bernard1 citizens4 ,my father's share of a moderate competency1 which was divided among fifteen children1 being very trivial1 his business of a watchmaker 7in which he had the reputation of great ingenuity7 was his only dependence4 ,my mother's circumstances were more affluent2 she was daughter of a ,mons4 ,bernard1 minister1 and possessed a considerable share of modesty and beauty2 indeed1 my father found some difficulty in obtaining her hand4 ,the affection they entertained for each other was almost as early as their existence2 at eight or nine years old they walked together every evening on the banks of the ,treille1 and before they were ten1 could not support the idea of separation4 ,a natural sympathy of soul confined those sentiments of predilection which habit at first produced2 born with minds susceptible of the most exquisite sensibility and tenderness1 it was only necessary to encounter similar dispositions2 that moment fortunately presented itself1 and each surrendered a willing heart4 ,the obstacles that opposed served only to give a decree of vivacity to their affection1 and the young lover1 not being able to obtain his mistress1 was overwhelmed with sorrow and despair4 ,she advised him to travel--to forget her4 ,he consented--he travelled1 but returned more passionate than ever1 and had the happiness to find her equally constant1 equally tender4 ,after this proof of mutual affection1 what could they resolve8--to dedicate their future lives to love6 the resolution was ratified with a vow1 on which ,heaven shed its benediction4 ,fortunately1 my mother's brother1 ,gabriel ,bernard1 fell in love with one of my father's sisters2 she had no objection to the match1 but made the marriage of his sister with her brother an indispensable preliminary4 ,love soon removed every obstacle1 and the two weddings were celebrated the same day3 thus my uncle became the husband of my aunt1 and their children were doubly cousins german4 ,before a year was expired1 both had the happiness to become fathers1 but were soon after obliged to submit to a separation4 ,my uncle ,bernard1 who was an engineer1 went to serve in the empire and ,hungary1 under ,prince ,eugene1 and distinguished himself both at the siege and battle of ,belgrade4 ,my father1 after the birth of my only brother1 set off1 on recommendation1 for ,constantinople1 and was appointed watchmaker to the ,seraglio4 ,during his absence1 the beauty1 wit1 and accomplishments of my mother attracted a number of admirers1 among whom ,mons4 de la ,closure1 ,resident of ,france1 was the most assiduous in his attentions4 ,they were too brilliant for her situation1 the minister1 her father1 having bestowed great pains on her education4 ,she was taught drawing1 singing1 and to play on the theorbo2 had learning1 and wrote very agreeable verses4 ,the following is an extempore piece which she composed in the absence of her husband and brother1 in a conversation with some person relative to them1 while walking with her sister-in-law1 and their two children3 ,ces deux messieurs1 qui sont absens1 ,nous sont chers de bien des manieres2 ,ce sont nos amis1 nos amans1 ,ce sont nos maris et nos freres1 ,et les peres de ces enfans4 ,these absent ones1 who just claim ,our hearts1 by every tender name1 ,to whom each wish extends ,our husbands and our brothers are1 ,the fathers of this blooming pair1 ,our lovers and our friends4 ,his passion must have been extremely violent1 since after a period of thirty years ,i have seen him affected at the very mention of her name4 ,my mother had a defence more powerful even than her virtue2 she tenderly loved my father1 and conjured him to return2 his inclination seconding his request1 he gave up every prospect of emolument1 and hastened to ,geneva4 ,i was the unfortunate fruit of this return1 being born ten months after1 in a very weakly and infirm state2 my birth cost my mother her life1 and was the first of my misfortunes4 ,i am ignorant how my father supported her loss at that time1 but ,i know he was ever after inconsolable4 ,in me he still thought he saw her he so tenderly lamented1 but could never forget ,i had been the innocent cause of his misfortune1 nor did he ever embrace me1 but his sighs1 the convulsive pressure of his arms1 witnessed that a bitter regret mingled itself with his caresses1 though1 as may be supposed1 they were not on this account less ardent4 ,when he said to me1 ,jean ,jacques1 let us talk of your mother1 my usual reply was1 ,yes1 father1 but then1 you know1 we shall cry1 and immediately the tears started from his eyes4 ,ah6 exclaimed he1 with agitation1 ,give me back my wife2 at least console me for her loss2 fill up1 dear boy1 the void she has left in my soul4 ,could ,i love thee thus wert thou only my son8 ,forty years after this loss he expired in the arms of his second wife1 but the name of the first still vibrated on his lips1 still was her image engraved on his heart4 ,such were the authors of my being3 of all the gifts it had pleased ,heaven to bestow on them1 a feeling heart was the only one that descended to me2 this had been the source of their felicity1 it was the foundation of all my misfortunes4 ,i came into the world with so few signs of life1 that they entertained but little hope of preserving me1 with the seeds of a disorder that has gathered strength with years1 and from which ,i am now relieved at intervals1 only to suffer a different1 though more intolerable evil4 ,i owed my preservation to one of my father's sisters1 an amiable and virtuous girl1 who took the most tender care of me2 she is yet living1 nursing1 at the age of four-score1 a husband younger than herself1 but worn out with excessive drinking4 ,dear aunt6 ,i freely forgive your having preserved my life1 and only lament that it is not in my power to bestow on the decline of your days the tender solicitude and care you lavished on the first dawn of mine4 ,my nurse1 ,jaqueline1 is likewise living3 and in good health--the hands that opened my eyes to the light of this world may close them at my death4 ,we suffer before we think2 it is the common lot of humanity4 ,i experienced more than my proportion of it4 ,i have no knowledge of what passed prior to my fifth or sixth year2 ,i recollect nothing of learning to read1 ,i only remember what effect the first considerable exercise of it produced on my mind2 and from that moment ,i date an uninterrupted knowledge of myself4 ,every night1 after supper1 we read some part of a small collection of romances which had been my mother's4 ,my father's design was only to improve me in reading1 and he thought these entertaining works were calculated to give me a fondness for it2 but we soon found ourselves so interested in the adventures they contained1 that we alternately read whole nights together1 and could not bear to give over until at the conclusion of a volume4 ,sometimes1 in a morning1 on hearing the swallows at our window1 my father1 quite ashamed of this weakness1 would cry1 ,come1 come1 let us go to bed2 ,i am more a child than thou art4 ,i soon acquired1 by this dangerous custom1 not only an extreme facility in reading and comprehending1 but1 for my age1 a too intimate acquaintance with the passions4 ,an infinity of sensations were familiar to me1 without possessing any precise idea of the objects to which they related--,i had conceived nothing--,i had felt the whole4 ,this confused succession of emotions did not retard the future efforts of my reason1 though they added an extravagant1 romantic notion of human life1 which experience and reflection have never been able to eradicate4 ,my romance reading concluded with the summer of #agai1 the following winter was differently employed4 ,my mother's library being quite exhausted1 we had recourse to that part of her father's which had devolved to us2 here we happily found some valuable books1 which was by no means extraordinary1 having been selected by a minister that truly deserved that title1 in whom learning 7which was the rage of the times7 was but a secondary commendation1 his taste and good sense being most conspicuous4 ,the history of the ,church and ,empire by ,le ,sueur1 ,bossuett's ,discourses on ,universal ,history1 ,plutarch's ,lives1 the history of ,venice by ,nani1 ,ovid's ,metamorphoses1 ,la ,bruyere1 ,fontenelle's ,world1 his ,dialogues of the ,dead1 and a few volumes of ,moliere1 were soon ranged in my father's closet1 where1 during the hours he was employed in his business1 ,i daily read them1 with an avidity and taste uncommon1 perhaps unprecedented at my age4 ,plutarch presently became my greatest favorite4 ,the satisfaction ,i derived from repeated readings ,i gave this author1 extinguished my passion for romances1 and ,i shortly preferred ,agesilaus1 ,brutus1 and ,aristides1 to ,orondates1 ,artemenes1 and ,juba4 ,these interesting studies1 seconded by the conversations they frequently occasioned with my father1 produced that republican spirit and love of liberty1 that haughty and invincible turn of mind1 which rendered me impatient of restraint or servitude1 and became the torment of my life1 as ,i continually found myself in situations incompatible with these sentiments4 ,incessantly occupied with ,rome and ,athens1 conversing1 if ,i may so express myself with their illustrious heroes2 born the citizen of a republic1 of a father whose ruling passion was a love of his country1 ,i was fired with these examples2 could fancy myself a ,greek or ,roman1 and readily give into the character of the personage whose life ,i read2 transported by the recital of any extraordinary instance of fortitude or intrepidity1 animation flashed from my eyes1 and gave my voice additional strength and energy4 ,one day1 at table1 while relating the fortitude of ,scoevola1 they were terrified at seeing me start from my seat and hold my hand over a hot chafing--dish1 to represent more forcibly the action of that determined ,roman4 ,my brother1 who was seven years older than myself1 was brought up to my father's profession4 ,the extraordinary affection they lavished on me might be the reason he was too much neglected3 this certainly was a fault which cannot be justified4 ,his education and morals suffered by this neglect1 and he acquired the habits of a libertine before he arrived at an age to be really one4 ,my father tried what effect placing him with a master would produce1 but he still persisted in the same ill conduct4 ,though ,i saw him so seldom that it could hardly be said we were acquainted1 ,i loved him tenderly1 and believe he had as strong an affection for me as a youth of his dissipated turn of mind could be supposed capable of4 ,one day1 ,i remember1 when my father was correcting him severely1 ,i threw myself between them1 embracing my brother1 whom ,i covered with my body1 receiving the strokes designed for him2 ,i persisted so obstinately in my protection1 that either softened by my cries and tears1 or fearing to hurt me most1 his anger subsided1 and he pardoned his fault4 ,in the end1 my brother's conduct became so bad that he suddenly disappeared1 and we learned some time after that he was in ,germany1 but he never wrote to us1 and from that day we heard no news of him3 thus ,i became an only son4 ,if this poor lad was neglected1 it was quite different with his brother1 for the children of a king could not be treated with more attention and tenderness than were bestowed on my infancy1 being the darling of the family2 and what is rather uncommon1 though treated as a beloved1 never a spoiled child2 was never permitted1 while under paternal inspection1 to play in the street with other children2 never had any occasion to contradict or indulge those fantastical humors which are usually attributed to nature1 but are in reality the effects of an injudicious education4 ,i had the faults common to my age1 was talkative1 a glutton1 and sometimes a liar1 made no scruple of stealing sweetmeats1 fruits1 or1 indeed1 any kind of eatables2 but never took delight in mischievous waste1 in accusing others1 or tormenting harmless animals4 ,i recollect1 indeed1 that one day1 while ,madam ,clot1 a neighbor of ours1 was gone to church1 ,i made water in her kettle3 the remembrance even now makes me smile1 for ,madame ,clot 7though1 if you please1 a good sort of creature7 was one of the most tedious grumbling old women ,i ever knew4 ,thus have ,i given a brief1 but faithful1 history of my childish transgressions4 ,how could ,i become cruel or vicious1 when ,i had before my eyes only examples of mildness1 and was surrounded by some of the best people in the world8 ,my father1 my aunt1 my nurse1 my relations1 our friends1 our neighbors1 all ,i had any connection with1 did not obey me1 it is true1 but loved me tenderly1 and ,i returned their affection4 ,i found so little to excite my desires1 and those ,i had were so seldom contradicted1 that ,i was hardly sensible of possessing any1 and can solemnly aver ,i was an absolute stranger to caprice until after ,i had experienced the authority of a master4 ,those hours that were not employed in reading or writing with my father1 or walking with my governess1 ,jaqueline1 ,i spent with my aunt2 and whether seeing her embroider1 or hearing her sing1 whether sitting or standing by her side1 ,i was ever happy4 ,her tenderness and unaffected gayety1 the charms of her figure and countenance have left such indelible impressions on my mind1 that her manner1 look1 and attitude are still before my eyes2 ,i recollect a thousand little caressing questions2 could describe her clothes1 her head-dress1 nor have the two curls of fine black hair which hung on her temples1 according to the mode of that time1 escaped my memory4 ,though my taste1 or rather passion1 for music1 did not show itself until a considerable time after1 ,i am fully persuaded it is to her ,i am indebted for it4 ,she knew a great number of songs1 which she sung with great sweetness and melody4 ,the serenity and cheerfulness which were conspicuous in this lovely girl1 banished melancholy1 and made all round her happy4 ,the charms of her voice had such an effect on me1 that not only several of her songs have ever since remained on my memory1 but some ,i have not thought of from my infancy1 as ,i grow old1 return upon my mind with a charm altogether inexpressible4 ,would any one believe that an old dotard like me1 worn out with care and infirmity1 should sometime surprise himself weeping like a child1 and in a voice querulous1 and broken by age1 muttering out one of those airs which were the favorites of my infancy8 ,there is one song in particular1 whose tune ,i perfectly recollect1 but the words that compose the latter half of it constantly refuse every effort to recall them1 though ,i have a confused idea of the rhymes4 ,the beginning1 with what ,i have been able to recollect of the remainder1 is as follows3 ,tircis1 je n'ose ,ecouter ton ,chalumeau ,sous l',ormeau2 ,car on en cause ,deja dans notre hameau4 ---- ---- ------- ------ --- un ,berger s'engager sans danger1 ,et toujours l'epine est sons la rose4 ,i have endeavored to account for the invincible charm my heart feels on the recollection of this fragment1 but it is altogether inexplicable4 ,i only know1 that before ,i get to the end of it1 ,i always find my voice interrupted by tenderness1 and my eyes suffused with tears4 ,i have a hundred times formed the resolution of writing to ,paris for the remainder of these words1 if any one should chance to know them3 but ,i am almost certain the pleasure ,i take in the recollection would be greatly diminished was ,i assured any one but my poor aunt ,susan had sung them4 ,such were my affections on entering this life4 ,thus began to form and demonstrate itself1 a heart1 at once haughty and tender1 a character effeminate1 yet invincible2 which1 fluctuating between weakness and courage1 luxury and virtue1 has ever set me in contradiction to myself2 causing abstinence and enjoyment1 pleasure and prudence1 equally to shun me4 ,this course of education was interrupted by an accident1 whose consequences influenced the rest of my life4 ,my father had a quarrel with ,m4 ,g----1 who had a captain's commission in ,france1 and was related to several of the ,council4 ,this ,g----1 who was an insolent1 ungenerous man1 happening to bleed at the nose1 in order to be revenged1 accused my father of having drawn his sword on him in the city1 and in consequence of this charge they were about to conduct him to prison4 ,he insisted 7according to the law of this republic7 that the accuser should be confined at the same time2 and not being able to obtain this1 preferred a voluntary banishment for the remainder of his life1 to giving up a point by which he must sacrifice his honor and liberty4 ,i remained under the tuition of my uncle ,bernard1 who was at that time employed in the fortifications of ,geneva4 ,he had lost his eldest daughter1 but had a son about my own age1 and we were sent together to ,bossey1 to board with the ,minister ,lambercier4 ,here we were to learn ,latin1 with all the insignificant trash that has obtained the name of education4 ,two years spent in this village softened1 in some degree1 my ,roman fierceness1 and again reduced me to a state of childhood4 ,at ,geneva1 where nothing was exacted1 ,i loved reading1 which was1 indeed1 my principal amusement2 but1 at ,bossey1 where application was expected1 ,i was fond of play as a relaxation4 ,the country was so new1 so charming in my idea1 that it seemed impossible to find satiety in its enjoyments1 and ,i conceived a passion for rural life1 which time has not been able to extinguish2 nor have ,i ever ceased to regret the pure and tranquil pleasures ,i enjoyed at this place in my childhood2 the remembrance having followed me through every age1 even to that in which ,i am hastening again towards it4 ,m4 ,lambercier was a worthy1 sensible man1 who1 without neglecting our instruction1 never made our acquisitions burthensome1 or tasks tedious4 ,what convinces me of the rectitude of his method is1 that notwithstanding my extreme aversion to restraint1 the recollection of my studies is never attended with disgust2 and1 if my improvement was trivial1 it was obtained with ease1 and has never escaped memory4 ,the simplicity of this rural life was of infinite advantage in opening my heart to the reception of true friendship4 ,the sentiments ,i had hitherto formed on this subject were extremely elevated1 but altogether imaginary4 ,the habit of living in this peaceful manner soon united me tenderly to my cousin ,bernard2 my affection was more ardent than that ,i had felt for my brother1 nor has time ever been able to efface it4 ,he was a tall1 lank1 weakly boy1 with a mind as mild as his body was feeble1 and who did not wrong the good opinion they were disposed to entertain for the son of my guardian4 ,our studies1 amusements1 and tasks1 were the same2 we were alone2 each wanted a playmate2 to separate would in some measure1 have been to annihilate us4 ,though we had not many opportunities of demonstrating our attachment to each other1 it was certainly extreme2 and so far from enduring the thought of separation1 we could not even form an idea that we should ever be able to submit to it4 ,each of a disposition to be won by kindness1 and complaisant1 when not soured by contradiction1 we agreed in every particular4 ,if1 by the favor of those who governed us he had the ascendant while in their presence1 ,i was sure to acquire it when we were alone1 and this preserved the equilibrium so necessary in friendship4 ,if he hesitated in repeating his task1 ,i prompted him2 when my exercises were finished1 ,i helped to write his2 and1 in our amusements1 my disposition being most active1 ever had the lead4 ,in a word1 our characters accorded so well1 and the friendship that subsisted between us was so cordial1 that during the five years we were at ,bossey and ,geneva we were inseparable3 we often fought1 it is true1 but there never was any occasion to separate us4 ,no one of our quarrels lasted more than a quarter of an hour1 and never in our lives did we make any complaint of each other4 ,it may be said1 these remarks are frivolous2 but1 perhaps1 a similiar example among children can hardly be produced4 ,the manner in which ,i passed my time at ,bossey was so agreeable to my disposition1 that it only required a longer duration absolutely to have fixed my character1 which would have had only peaceable1 affectionate1 benevolent sentiments for its basis4 ,i believe no individual of our kind ever possessed less natural vanity than myself4 ,at intervals1 by an extraordinary effort1 ,i arrived at sublime ideas1 but presently sunk again into my original languor4 ,to be loved by every one who knew me was my most ardent wish4 ,i was naturally mild1 my cousin was equally so1 and those who had the care of us were of similiar dispositions4 ,everything contributed to strengthen those propensities which nature had implanted in my breast1 and during the two years ,i was neither the victim nor witness of any violent emotions4 ,i knew nothing so delightful as to see every one content1 not only with me1 but all that concerned them4 ,when repeating our catechism at church1 nothing could give me greater vexation1 on being obliged to hesitate1 than to see ,miss ,lambercier's countenance express disapprobation and uneasiness4 ,this alone was more afflicting to me than the shame of faltering before so many witnesses1 which1 notwithstanding1 was sufficiently painful2 for though not oversolicitous of praise1 ,i was feelingly alive to shame2 yet ,i can truly affirm1 the dread of being reprimanded by ,miss ,lambercier alarmed me less than the thought of making her uneasy4 ,neither she nor her brother were deficient in a reasonable severity1 but as this was scarce ever exerted without just cause1 ,i was more afflicted at their disapprobation than the punishment4 ,certainly the method of treating youth would be altered if the distant effects this indiscriminate1 and frequently indiscreet method produces1 were more conspicuous4 ,i would willingly excuse myself from a further explanation1 did not the lesson this example conveys 7which points out an evil as frequent as it is pernicious7 forbid my silence4 ,as ,miss ,lambercier felt a mother's affection1 she sometimes exerted a mother's authority1 even to inflicting on us when we deserved it1 the punishment of infants4 ,she had often threatened it1 and this threat of a treatment entirely new1 appeared to me extremely dreadful2 but ,i found the reality much less terrible than the idea1 and what is still more unaccountable1 this punishment increased my affection for the person who had inflicted it4 ,all this affection1 aided by my natural mildness1 was scarcely sufficient to prevent my seeking1 by fresh offences1 a return of the same chastisement2 for a degree of sensuality had mingled with the smart and shame1 which left more desire than fear of a repetition4 ,i was well convinced the same discipline from her brother would have produced a quite contrary effect2 but from a man of his disposition this was not probable1 and if ,i abstained from meriting correction it was merely from a fear of offending ,miss ,lambercier1 for benevolence1 aided by the passions1 has ever maintained an empire over me which has given law to my heart4 ,this event1 which1 though desirable1 ,i had not endeavored to accelerate1 arrived without my fault2 ,i should say1 without my seeking2 and ,i profited by it with a safe conscience2 but this second1 was also the last time1 for ,miss ,lambercier1 who doubtless had some reason to imagine this chastisement did not produce the desired effect1 declared it was too fatiguing1 and that she renounced it for the future4 ,till now we had slept in her chamber1 and during the winter1 even in her bed2 but two days after another room was prepared for us1 and from that moment ,i had the honor 7which ,i could very well have dispensed with7 of being treated by her as a great boy4 ,who would believe this childish discipline1 received at eight years old1 from the hands of a woman of thirty1 should influence my propensities1 my desires1 my passions1 for the rest of my life1 and that in quite a contrary sense from what might naturally have been expected8 ,the very incident that inflamed my senses1 gave my desires such an extraordinary turn1 that1 confined to what ,i had already experienced1 ,i sought no further1 and1 with blood boiling with sensuality1 almost from my birth1 preserved my purity beyond the age when the coldest constitutions lose their insensibility2 long tormented1 without knowing by what1 ,i gazed on every handsome woman with delight2 imagination incessantly brought their charms to my remembrance1 only to transform them into so many ,miss ,lamberciers4 ,if ever education was perfectly chaste1 it was certainly that ,i received2 my three aunts were not only of exemplary prudence1 but maintained a degree of modest reserve which women have long since thought unnecessary4 ,my father1 it is true1 loved pleasure1 but his gallantry was rather of the last than the present century1 and he never expressed his affection for any woman he regarded in terms a virgin could have blushed at2 indeed1 it was impossible more attention should be paid to that regard we owe the morals of children than was uniformly observed by every one ,i had any concern with4 ,an equal degree of reserve in this particular was observed at ,m4 ,lambercier's1 where a good maid-servant was discharged for having once made use of an expression before us which was thought to contain some degree of indelicacy4 ,i had no precise idea of the ultimate effect of the passions1 but the conception ,i had formed was extremely disgusting2 ,i entertained a particular aversion for courtesans1 nor could ,i look on a rake without a degree of disdain mingled with terror4 ,these prejudices of education1 proper in themselves to retard the first explosions of a combustible constitution1 were strengthened1 as ,i have already hinted1 by the effect the first moments of sensuality produced in me1 for notwithstanding the troublesome ebullition of my blood1 ,i was satisfied with the species of voluptuousness ,i had already been acquainted with1 and sought no further4 ,thus ,i passed the age of puberty1 with a constitution extremely ardent1 without knowing or even wishing for any other gratification of the passions than what ,miss ,lambercier had innocently given me an idea of2 and when ,i became a man1 that childish taste1 instead of vanishing1 only associated with the other4 ,this folly1 joined to a natural timidity1 has always prevented my being very enterprising with women1 so that ,i have passed my days in languishing in silence for those ,i most admired1 without daring to disclose my wishes4 ,to fall at the feet of an imperious mistress1 obey her mandates1 or implore pardon1 were for me the most exquisite enjoyments1 and the more my blood was inflamed by the efforts of a lively imagination the more ,i acquired the appearance of a whining lover4 ,it will be readily conceived that this mode of making love is not attended with a rapid progress or imminent danger to the virtue of its object2 yet1 though ,i have few favors to boast of1 ,i have not been excluded from enjoyment1 however imaginary4 ,thus the senses1 in concurrence with a mind equally timid and romantic1 have preserved my moral chaste1 and feelings uncorrupted1 with precisely the same inclinations1 which1 seconded with a moderate portion of effrontery1 might have plunged me into the most unwarrantable excesses4 ,i have made the first1 most difficult step1 in the obscure and painful maze of my ,confessions4 ,we never feel so great a degree of repugnance in divulging what is really criminal1 as what is merely ridiculous4 ,i am now assured of my resolution1 for after what ,i have dared disclose1 nothing can have power to deter me4 ,the difficulty attending these acknowledgments will be readily conceived1 when ,i declare1 that during the whole of my life1 though frequently laboring under the most violent agitation1 being hurried away with the impetuosity of a passion which 7when in company with those ,i loved7 deprived me of the faculty of sight and hearing1 ,i could never1 in the course of the most unbounded familiarity1 acquire sufficient resolution to declare my folly1 and implore the only favor that remained to bestow4 ,in thus investigating the first traces of my sensible existence1 ,i find elements1 which1 though seemingly incompatible1 have united to produce a simple and uniform effect2 while others1 apparently the same1 have1 by the concurrence of certain circumstances1 formed such different combinations1 that it would never be imagined they had any affinity2 who would believe1 for example1 that one of the most vigorous springs of my soul was tempered in the identical source from whence luxury and ease mingled with my constitution and circulated in my veins8 ,before ,i quit this subject1 ,i will add a striking instance of the different effects they produced4 ,one day1 while ,i was studying in a chamber contiguous to the kitchen1 the maid set some of ,miss ,lambercier's combs to dry by the fire1 and on coming to fetch them some time after1 was surprised to find the teeth of one of them broken off4 ,who could be suspected of this mischief8 ,no one but myself had entered the room3 ,i was questioned1 but denied having any knowledge of it4 ,mr4 and ,miss ,lambercier consult1 exhort1 threaten1 but all to no purpose2 ,i obstinately persist in the denial2 and1 though this was the first time ,i had been detected in a confirmed falsehood1 appearances were so strong that they overthrew all my protestations4 ,this affair was thought serious2 the mischief1 the lie1 the obstinacy1 were considered equally deserving of punishment1 which was not now to be administered by ,miss ,lambercier4 ,my uncle ,bernard was written to2 he arrived2 and my poor cousin being charged with a crime no less serious1 we were conducted to the same execution1 which was inflicted with great severity4 ,if finding a remedy in the evil itself1 they had sought ever to allay my depraved desires1 they could not have chosen a shorter method to accomplish their designs1 and1 ,i can assure my readers1 ,i was for a long time freed from the dominion of them4 ,as this severity could not draw from me the expected acknowledgment1 which obstinacy brought on several repetitions1 and reduced me to a deplorable situation1 yet ,i was immovable1 and resolutely determined to suffer death rather than submit4 ,force1 at length1 was obliged to yield to the diabolical infatuation of a child1 for no better name was bestowed on my constancy1 and ,i came out of this dreadful trial1 torn1 it is true1 but triumphant4 ,fifty years have expired since this adventure--the fear of punishment is no more4 ,well1 then1 ,i aver1 in the face of ,heaven1 ,i was absolutely innocent3 and1 so far from breaking1 or even touching the comb1 never came near the fire4 ,it will be asked1 how did this mischief happen8 ,i can form no conception of it1 ,i only know my own innocence4 ,let any one figure to himself a character whose leading traits were docility and timidity1 but haughty1 ardent1 and invincible1 in its passions2 a child1 hitherto governed by the voice of reason1 treated with mildness1 equity1 and complaisance1 who could not even support the idea of injustice1 experiencing1 for the first time1 so violent an instance of it1 inflicted by those he most loved and respected4 ,what perversion of ideas6 ,what confusion in the heart1 the brain1 in all my little being1 intelligent and moral6--let any one1 ,i say1 if possible1 imagine all this1 for ,i am incapable of giving the least idea of what passed in my mind at that period4 ,my reason was not sufficiently established to enable me to put myself in the place of others1 and judge how much appearances condemned me1 ,i only beheld the rigor of a dreadful chastisement1 inflicted for a crime ,i had not committed2 yet ,i can truly affirm1 the smart ,i suffered1 though violent1 was inconsiderable compared to what ,i felt from indignation1 rage1 and despair4 ,my cousin1 who was almost in similar circumstances1 having been punished for an involuntary fault as guilty of a premediated crime1 became furious by my example4 ,both in the same bed1 we embraced each other with convulsive transport2 we were almost suffocated2 and when our young hearts found sufficient relief to breathe out our indigination1 we sat up in the bed1 and with all our force1 repeated a hundred times1 ,carnifex6 ,carnifex6 ,carnifex6 executioner1 tormentor4 ,even while ,i write this ,i feel my pulse quicken1 and should ,i live a hundred thousand years1 the agitation of that moment would still be fresh in my memory4 ,the first instance of violence and oppression is so deeply engraved on my soul1 that every relative idea renews my emotion3 the sentiment of indignation1 which in its origin had reference only to myself1 has acquired such strength1 and is at present so completely detached from personal motives1 that my heart is as much inflamed at the sight or relation of any act of injustice 7whatever may be the object1 or wheresoever it may be perpetrated7 as if ,i was the immediate sufferer4 ,when ,i read the history of a merciless tyrant1 or the dark and the subtle machination of a knavish designing priest1 ,i could on the instant set off to stab the miscreants1 though ,i was certain to perish in the attempt4 ,i have frequently fatigued myself by running after and stoning a cock1 a cow1 a dog1 or any animal ,i saw tormenting another1 only because it was conscious of possessing superior strength4 ,this may be natural to me1 and ,i am inclined to believe it is1 though the lively impression of the first injustice ,i became the victim of was too long and too powerfully remembered not to have added considerable force to it4 ,this occurrence terminated my infantine serenity2 from that moment ,i ceased to enjoy a pure unadulterated happiness1 and on a retrospection of the pleasure of my childhood1 ,i yet feel they ended here4 ,we continue at ,bossey some months after this event1 but were like our first parents in the ,garden of ,eden after they had lost their innocence2 in appearance our situation was the same1 in effect it was totally different4 ,affection1 respect2 intimacy1 confidence1 no longer attached the pupils to their guides2 we beheld them no longer as divinities1 who could read the secrets of our hearts2 we were less ashamed of committing faults1 more afraid of being accused of them3 we learned to dissemble1 to rebel1 to lie3 all the vices common to our years began to corrupt our happy innocence1 mingle with our sports1 and embitter our amusements4 ,the country itself1 losing those sweet and simple charms which captivate the heart1 appeared a gloomy desert1 or covered with a veil that concealed its beauties4 ,we cultivated our little gardens no more3 our flowers were neglected4 ,we no longer scratched away the mould1 and broke out into exclamations of delight1 on discovering that the grain we had sown began to shoot4 ,we were disgusted with our situation2 our preceptors were weary of us4 ,in a word1 my uncle wrote for our return1 and we left ,mr4 and ,miss ,lambercier without feeling any regret at the separation4 ,near thirty years passed away from my leaving ,bossey1 without once recalling the place to my mind with any degree of satisfaction2 but after having passed the prime of life1 as ,i decline into old age 7while more recent occurrences are wearing out apace7 ,i feel these remembrances revive and imprint themselves on my heart1 with a force and charm that every day acquires fresh strength2 as if1 feeling life fleet from me1 ,i endeavored to catch it again by its commencement4 ,the most trifling incident of those happy days delight me1 for no other reason than being of those days4 ,i recall every circumstance of time1 place1 and persons2 ,i see the maid or footman busy in the chamber1 a swallow entering the window1 a fly settling on my hand while repeating my lessons4 ,i see the whole economy of the apartment2 on the right hand ,mr4 ,lambercier's closet1 with a print representing all the popes1 a barometer1 a large almanac1 the windows of the house 7which stood in a hollow at the bottom of the garden7 shaded by raspberry shrubs1 whose shoots sometimes found entrance2 ,i am sensible the reader has no occasion to know all this1 but ,i feel a kind of necessity for relating it4 ,why am ,i not permitted to recount all the little anecdotes of that thrice happy age1 at the recollection of whose joys ,i ever tremble with delight8 ,five or six particularly--let us compromise the matter--,i will give up five1 but then ,i must have one1 and only one1 provided ,i may draw it out to its utmost length1 in order to prolong my satisfaction4 ,if ,i only sought yours1 ,i should choose that of ,miss ,lambercier's backside1 which by an unlucky fall at the bottom of the meadow1 was exposed to the view of the ,king of ,sardinia1 who happened to be passing by2 but that of the walnut tree on the terrace is more amusing to me1 since here ,i was an actor1 whereas1 in the abovementioned scene ,i was only a spectator2 and ,i must confess ,i see nothing that should occasion risibility in an accident1 which1 however laughable in itself1 alarmed me for a person ,i loved as a mother1 or perhaps something more4 ,ye curious readers1 whose expectations are already on the stretch for the noble history of the terrace1 listen to the tragedy1 and abstain from trembling1 if you can1 at the horrible catastrophe6 ,at the outside of the courtyard door1 on the left hand1 was a terrace2 here they often sat after dinner2 but it was subject to one inconvenience1 being too much exposed to the rays of the sun2 to obviate this defect1 ,mr4 ,lambercier had a walnut tree set there1 the planting of which was attended with great solemnity4 ,the two boarders were godfathers1 and while the earth was replacing round the root1 each held the tree with one hand1 singing songs of triumph4 ,in order to water it with more effect1 they formed a kind of luson around its foot3 myself and cousin1 who were every day ardent spectators of this watering1 confirmed each other in the very natural idea that it was nobler to plant trees on the terrace than colors on a breach1 and this glory we were resolved to procure without dividing it with any one4 ,in pursuance of this resolution1 we cut a slip off a willow1 and planted it on the terrace1 at about eight or ten feet distance from the august walnut tree4 ,we did not forget to make a hollow round it1 but the difficulty was how to procure a supply of water1 which was brought from a considerable distance1 and we not permitted to fetch it3 but water was absolutely necessary for our willow1 and we made use of every stratagem to obtain it4 ,for a few days everything succeeded so well that it began to bud1 and throw out small leaves1 which we hourly measured convinced 7tho' now scarce a foot from the ground7 it would soon afford us a refreshing shade4 ,this unfortunate willow1 by engrossing our whole time1 rendered us incapable of application to any other study1 and the cause of our inattention not being known1 we were kept closer than before4 ,the fatal moment approached when water must fail1 and we were already afflicted with the idea that our tree must perish with drought4 ,at length necessity1 the parent of industry1 suggested an invention1 by which we might save our tree from death1 and ourselves from despair2 it was to make a furrow underground1 which would privately conduct a part of the water from the walnut tree to our willow4 ,this undertaking was executed with ardor1 but did not immediately succeed--our descent was not skilfully planned--the water did not run1 the earth falling in and stopping up the furrow2 yet1 though all went contrary1 nothing discouraged us1 'omnia vincit labor improbus'4 ,we made the bason deeper1 to give the water a more sensible descent2 we cut the bottom of a box into narrow planks2 increased the channel from the walnut tree to our willow and laying a row flat at the bottom1 set two others inclining towards each other1 so as to form a triangular channel2 we formed a kind of grating with small sticks at the end next the walnut tree1 to prevent the earth and stones from stopping it up1 and having carefully covered our work with well-trodden earth1 in a transport of hope and fear attended the hour of watering4 ,after an interval1 which seemed an age of expectation1 this hour arrived4 ,mr4 ,lambercier1 as usual1 assisted at the operation2 we contrived to get between him and our tree1 towards which he fortunately turned his back4 ,they no sooner began to pour the first pail of water1 than we perceived it running to the willow2 this sight was too much for our prudence1 and we involuntarily expressed our transport by a shout of joy4 ,the sudden exclamation made ,mr4 ,lambercier turn about1 though at that instant he was delighted to observe how greedily the earth1 which surrounded the root of his walnut tree1 imbibed the water4 ,surprised at seeing two trenches partake of it1 he shouted in his turn1 examines1 perceives the roguery1 and1 sending instantly for a pick axe1 at one fatal blow makes two or three of our planks fly1 crying out meantime with all his strength1 an aqueduct6 an aqueduct6 ,his strokes redoubled1 every one of which made an impression on our hearts2 in a moment the planks1 the channel1 the bason1 even our favorite willow1 all were ploughed up1 nor was one word pronounced during this terrible transaction1 except the above mentioned exclamation4 ,an aqueduct6 repeated he1 while destroying all our hopes1 an aqueduct6 an aqueduct6 ,it maybe supposed this adventure had a still more melancholy end for the young architects2 this1 however1 was not the case2 the affair ended here4 ,mr4 ,lambercier never reproached us on this account1 nor was his countenance clouded with a frown2 we even heard him mention the circumstance to his sister with loud bursts of laughter4 ,the laugh of ,mr4 ,lambercier might be heard to a considerable distance4 ,but what is still more surprising after the first transport of sorrow had subsided1 we did not find ourselves violently afflicted2 we planted a tree in another spot1 and frequently recollected the catastrophe of the former1 repeating with a significant emphasis1 an aqueduct6 an aqueduct6 ,till then1 at intervals1 ,i had fits of ambition1 and could fancy myself ,brutus or ,aristides1 but this was the first visible effect of my vanity4 ,to have constructed an aqueduct with our own hands1 to have set a slip of willow in competition with a flourishing tree1 appeared to me a supreme degree of glory6 ,i had a juster conception of it at ten than ,caesar entertained at thirty4 ,the idea of this walnut tree1 with the little anecdotes it gave rise to1 have so well continued1 or returned to my memory1 that the design which conveyed the most pleasing sensations1 during my journey to ,geneva1 in the year #aged1 was visiting ,bossey1 and reviewing the monuments of my infantine amusement1 above all1 the beloved walnut tree1 whose age at that time must have been verging on a third of a century1 but ,i was so beset with company that ,i could not find a moment to accomplish my design4 ,there is little appearance now of the occasion being renewed2 but should ,i ever return to that charming spot1 and find my favorite walnut tree still existing1 ,i am convinced ,i should water it with my tears4 ,on my return to ,geneva1 ,i passed two or three years at my uncle's1 expecting the determination of my friends respecting my future establishment4 ,his own son being devoted to genius1 was taught drawing1 and instructed by his father in the elements of ,euclid2 ,i partook of these instructions1 but was principally fond of drawing4 ,meantime1 they were irresolute1 whether to make me a watchmaker1 a lawyer1 or a minister4 ,i should have preferred being a minister1 as ,i thought it must be a charming thing to preach1 but the trifling income which had been my mother's1 and was to be divided between my brother and myself1 was too inconsiderable to defray the expense attending the prosecution of my studies4 ,as my age did not render the choice very pressing1 ,i remained with my uncle1 passing my time with very little improvement1 and paying pretty dear1 though not unreasonably1 for my board4 ,my uncle1 like my father1 was a man of pleasure1 but had not learned1 like him1 to abridge his amusements for the sake of instructing his family1 consequently our education was neglected4 ,my aunt was a devotee1 who loved singing psalms better than thinking of our improvement1 so that we were left entirely to ourselves1 which liberty we never abused4 ,ever inseparable1 we were all the world to each other2 and1 feeling no inclination to frequent the company of a number of disorderly lads of our own age1 we learned none of those habits of libertinism to which our idle life exposed us4 ,perhaps ,i am wrong in charging myself and cousin with idleness at this time1 for1 in our lives1 we were never less so2 and what was extremely fortunate1 so incessantly occupied with our amusements1 that we found no temptation to spend any part of our time in the streets4 ,we made cages1 pipes1 kites1 drums1 houses1 ships1 and bows2 spoiled the tools of my good old grandfather by endeavoring to make watches in imitation of him2 but our favorite amusement was wasting paper1 in drawing1 washing1 coloring1 etc4 ,there came an ,italian mountebank to ,geneva1 called ,gamber-,corta1 who had an exhibition of puppets1 that he made play a kind of comedy4 ,we went once to see them1 but could not spare time to go again1 being busily employed in making puppets of our own and inventing comedies1 which we immediately set about making them perform1 mimicking to the best of our abilities the uncouth voice of ,punch2 and1 to complete the business1 my good aunt and uncle ,bernard had the patience to see and listen to our imitations2 but my uncle1 having one day read an elaborate discourse to his family1 we instantly gave up our comedies1 and began composing sermons4 ,these details1 ,i confess1 are not very amusing1 but they serve to demonstrate that the former part of our education was well directed1 since being1 at such an early age1 the absolute masters of our time1 we found no inclination to abuse it2 and so little in want of other companions1 that we constantly neglected every occasion of seeking them4 ,when taking our walks together1 we observed their diversions without feeling any inclination to partake of them4 ,friendship so entirely occupied our hearts1 that1 pleased with each other's company the simplest pastimes were sufficient to delight us4 ,we were soon remarked for being thus inseparable3 and what rendered us more conspicuous1 my cousin was very tall1 myself extremely short1 so that we exhibited a very whimsical contrast4 ,this meagre figure1 small1 sallow countenance1 heavy air1 and supine gait1 excited the ridicule of the children1 who1 in the gibberish of the country1 nicknamed him ',barna ,bredanna'2 and we no sooner got out of doors than our ears were assailed with a repetition of ,barna ,bredanna4 ,he bore this indignity with tolerable patience1 but ,i was instantly for fighting4 ,this was what the young rogues aimed at4 ,i engaged accordingly1 and was beat4 ,my poor cousin did all in his power to assist me1 but he was weak1 and a single stroke brought him to the ground4 ,i then became furious1 and received several smart blows1 some of which were aimed at ',barna ,bredanna'4 ,this quarrel so far increased the evil1 that1 to avoid their insults1 we could only show ourselves in the streets while they were employed at school4 ,i had already become a redresser of grievances2 there only wanted a lady in the way to be a knight-errant in form4 ,this defect was soon supplied2 ,i presently had two4 ,i frequently went to see my father at ,nion1 a small city in the ,vaudois country1 where he was now settled4 ,being universally respected1 the affection entertained for him extended to me3 and1 during my visits1 the question seemed to be1 who should show me most kindness4 ,a ,madame de ,vulson1 in particular1 loaded me with caresses2 and1 to complete all1 her daughter made me her gallant4 ,i need not explain what kind of gallant a boy of eleven must be to a girl of two and twenty2 the artful hussies know how to set these puppets up in front1 to conceal more serious engagements4 ,on my part ,i saw no inequality between myself and ,miss ,vulson1 was flattered by the circumstance1 and went into it with my whole heart1 or rather my whole head1 for this passion certainly reached no further1 though it transported me almost to madness1 and frequently produced scenes sufficient to make even a cynic expire with laughter4 ,i have experienced two kinds of love1 equally real1 which have scarce any affinity1 yet each differing materially from tender friendship4 ,my whole life has been divided between these affections1 and ,i have frequently felt the power of both at the same instant4 ,for example1 at the very time ,i so publically and tyrannically claimed ,miss ,vulson1 that ,i could not suffer any other of my sex to approach her1 ,i had short1 but passionate1 assignations with a ,miss ,goton1 who thought proper to act the schoolmistress with me4 ,our meetings1 though absolutely childish1 afforded me the height of happiness4 ,i felt the whole charm of mystery1 and repaid ,miss ,vulson in kind1 when she least expected it1 the use she made of me in concealing her amours4 ,to my great mortification1 this secret was soon discovered1 and ,i presently lost my young schoolmistress4 ,miss ,goton was1 in fact1 a singular personage4 ,she was not handsome1 yet there was a certain something in her figure which could not easily be forgotten1 and this for an old fool1 ,i am too often convinced of4 ,her eyes1 in particular1 neither corresponded with her age1 her height1 nor her manner2 she had a lofty imposing air1 which agreed extremely well with the character she assumed1 but the most extraordinary part of her composition was a mixture of forwardness and reserve difficult to be conceived2 and while she took the greatest liberties with me1 would never permit any to be taken with her in return1 treating me precisely like a child4 ,this makes me suppose she had either ceased herself to be one1 or was yet sufficiently so to behold as play the danger to which this folly exposed her4 ,i was so absolutely in the power of both these mistresses1 that when in the presence of either1 ,i never thought of her who was absent2 in other respects1 the effects they produced on me bore no affinity4 ,i could have passed my whole life with ,miss ,vulson1 without forming a wish to quit her2 but then1 my satisfaction was attended with a pleasing serenity2 and1 in numerous companies1 ,i was particularly charmed with her4 ,the sprightly sallies of her wit1 the arch glance of her eye1 even jealousy itself1 strengthened my attachment1 and ,i triumphed in the preference she seemed to bestow on me1 while addressed by more powerful rivals2 applause1 encouragement1 and smiles1 gave animation to my happiness4 ,surrounded by a throng of observers1 ,i felt the whole force of love--,i was passionate1 transported2 in a tete-a-tete1 ,i should have been constrained1 thoughtful1 perhaps unhappy4 ,if ,miss ,vulson was ill1 ,i suffered with her2 would willingly have given up my own health to establish hers 7and1 observe ,i knew the want of it from experience72 if absent1 she employed my thoughts1 ,i felt the want of her2 when present1 her caresses came with warmth and rapture to my heart1 though my senses were unaffected4 ,the familiarities she bestowed on me ,i could not have supported the idea of her granting to another2 ,i loved her with a brother's affection only1 but experienced all the jealousy of a lover4 ,with ,miss ,goton this passion might have acquired a degree of fury2 ,i should have been a ,turk1 a tiger1 had ,i once imagined she bestowed her favors on any but myself4 ,the pleasure ,i felt on approaching ,miss ,vulson was sufficiently ardent1 though unattended with uneasy sensations2 but at sight of ,miss ,goton1 ,i felt myself bewildered--every sense was absorbed in ecstasy4 ,i believe it would have been impossible to have remained long with her2 ,i must have been suffocated with the violence of my palpitations4 ,i equally dreaded giving either of them displeasure2 with one ,i was more complaisant2 with the other1 more submissive4 ,i would not have offended ,miss ,vulson for the world2 but if ,miss ,goton had commanded me to throw myself into the flames1 ,i think ,i should have instantly obeyed her4 ,happily1 both for her and myself1 our amours2 or rather rendezvous1 were not of long duration3 and though my connection with ,miss ,vulson was less dangerous1 after a continuance of some greater length1 that likewise had its catastrophe2 indeed the termination of a love affair is good for nothing1 unless it partakes of the romantic1 and can furnish out at least an exclamation4 ,though my correspondence with ,miss ,vulson was less animated1 it was perhaps more endearing2 we never separated without tears1 and it can hardly be conceived what a void ,i felt in my heart4 ,i could neither think nor speak of anything but her4 ,these romantic sorrows were not affected1 though ,i am inclined to believe they did not absolutely centre in her1 for ,i am persuaded 7though ,i did not perceive it at that time7 being deprived of amusement bore a considerable share in them4 ,to soften the rigor of absence1 we agreed to correspond with each other1 and the pathetic expressions these letters contained were sufficient to have split a rock4 ,in a word1 ,i had the honor of her not being able to endure the pain of separation4 ,she came to see me at ,geneva4 ,my head was now completely turned2 and during the two days she remained here1 ,i was intoxicated with delight4 ,at her departure1 ,i would have thrown myself into the water after her1 and absolutely rent the air with my cries4 ,the week following she sent me sweetmeats1 gloves1 etc4 ,this certainly would have appeared extremely gallant1 had ,i not been informed of her marriage at the same instant1 and that the journey ,i had thought proper to give myself the honor of1 was only to buy her wedding suit4 ,my indignation may easily be conceived2 ,i shall not attempt to describe it4 ,in this heroic fury1 ,i swore never more to see the perfidious girl1 supposing it the greatest punishment that could be inflicted on her4 ,this1 however1 did not occasion her death1 for twenty years after1 while on a visit to my father1 being on the lake1 ,i asked who those ladies were in a boat not far from ours4 ,what6 said my father smiling1 does not your heart inform you8 ,it is your former flame1 it is ,madame ,christin1 or1 if you please1 ,miss ,vulson4 ,i started at the almost forgotten name1 and instantly ordered the waterman to turn off1 not judging it worth while to be perjured1 however favorable the opportunity for revenge1 in renewing a dispute of twenty years past1 with a woman of forty4 ,thus1 before my future destination was determined1 did ,i fool away the most precious moments of my youth4 ,after deliberating a long time on the bent of my natural inclination1 they resolved to dispose of me in a manner the most repugnant to them4 ,i was sent to ,mr4 ,masseron1 the ,city ,register1 to learn 7according to the expression of my uncle ,bernard7 the thriving occupation of a scraper4 ,this nickname was inconceivably displeasing to me1 and ,i promised myself but little satisfaction in the prospect of heaping up money by a mean employment4 ,the assiduity and subjection required1 completed my disgust1 and ,i never set foot in the office without feeling a kind of horror1 which every day gained fresh strength4 ,mr4 ,masseron1 who was not better pleased with my abilities than ,i was with the employment1 treated me with disdain1 incessantly upbraiding me with being a fool and blockhead1 not forgetting to repeat1 that my uncle had assured him ,i was a knowing one1 though he could not find that ,i knew anything4 ,that he had promised to furnish him with a sprightly boy1 but had1 in truth1 sent him an ass4 ,to conclude1 ,i was turned out of the registry1 with the additional ignominy of being pronounced a fool by all ,mr4 ,masseron's clerks1 and fit only to handle a file4 ,my vocation thus determined1 ,i was bound apprentice2 not1 however1 to a watchmaker1 but to an engraver1 and ,i had been so completely humiliated by the contempt of the register1 that ,i submitted without a murmur4 ,my master1 whose name was ,m4 ,ducommon1 was a young man of a very violent and boorish character1 who contrived in a short time to tarnish all the amiable qualities of my childhood1 to stupefy a disposition naturally sprightly1 and reduce my feelings1 as well as my condition1 to an absolute state of servitude4 ,i forgot my ,latin1 history1 and antiquities2 ,i could hardly recollect whether such people as ,romans ever existed4 ,when ,i visited my father1 he no longer beheld his idol1 nor could the ladies recognize the gallant ,jean ,jacques2 nay1 ,i was so well convinced that ,mr4 and ,miss ,lambercier would scarce receive me as their pupil1 that ,i endeavored to avoid their company1 and from that time have never seen them4 ,the vilest inclinations1 the basest actions1 succeeded my amiable amusements and even obliterated the very remembrance of them4 ,i must have had1 in spite of my good education1 a great propensity to degenerate1 else the declension could not have followed with such ease and rapidity1 for never did so promising a ,caesar so quickly become a ,laradon4 ,the art itself did not displease me4 ,i had a lively taste for drawing4 ,there was nothing displeasing in the exercise of the graver2 and as it required no very extraordinary abilities to attain perfection as a watchcase engraver1 ,i hoped to arrive at it4 ,perhaps ,i should have accomplished my design1 if unreasonable restraint1 added to the brutality of my master1 had not rendered my business disgusting4 ,i wasted his time1 and employed myself in engraving medals1 which served me and my companions as a kind of insignia for a new invented order of chivalry1 and though this differed very little from my usual employ1 ,i considered it as a relaxation4 ,unfortunately1 my master caught me at this contraband labor1 and a severe beating was the consequence4 ,he reproached me at the same time with attempting to make counterfeit money because our medals bore the arms of the ,republic1 though1 ,i can truly aver1 ,i had no conception of false money1 and very little of the true1 knowing better how to make a ,roman ,as than one of our threepenny pieces4 ,my master's tyranny rendered insupportable that labor ,i should otherwise have loved1 and drove me to vices ,i naturally despised1 such as falsehood1 idleness1 and theft4 ,nothing ever gave me a clearer demonstration of the difference between filial dependence and abject slavery1 than the remembrance of the change produced in me at that period4 ,hitherto ,i had enjoyed a reasonable liberty2 this ,i had suddenly lost4 ,i was enterprising at my father's1 free at ,mr4 ,lambercier's1 discreet at my uncle's2 but1 with my master1 ,i became fearful1 and from that moment my mind was vitiated4 ,accustomed to live on terms of perfect equality1 to be witness of no pleasures ,i could not command1 to see no dish ,i was not to partake of1 or be sensible of a desire ,i might not express2 to be able to bring every wish of my heart to my lips--what a transition6--at my master's ,i was scarce allowed to speak1 was forced to quit the table without tasting what ,i most longed for1 and the room when ,i had nothing particular to do there2 was incessantly confined to my work1 while the liberty my master and his journeymen enjoyed1 served only to increase the weight of my subjection4 ,when disputes happened to arise1 though conscious that ,i understood the subject better than any of them1 ,i dared not offer my opinion2 in a word1 everything ,i saw became an object of desire1 for no other reason than because ,i was not permitted to enjoy anything4 ,farewell gayety1 ease1 those happy turns of expressions1 which formerly even made my faults escape correction4 ,i recollect1 with pleasure1 a circumstance that happened at my father's1 which even now makes me smile4 ,being for some fault ordered to bed without my supper1 as ,i was passing through the kitchen1 with my poor morsel of bread in my hand1 ,i saw the meat turning on the spit2 my father and the rest were round the fire2 ,i must bow to every one as ,i passed4 ,when ,i had gone through this ceremony1 leering with a wistful eye at the roast meat1 which looked so inviting1 and smelt so savory1 ,i could not abstain from making that a bow likewise1 adding in a pitiful tone1 good bye1 roast meal6 ,this unpremeditated pleasantry put them in such good humor1 that ,i was permitted to stay1 and partake of it4 ,perhaps the same thing might have produced a similar effect at my master's1 but such a thought could never have occurred to me1 or1 if it had1 ,i should not have had courage to express it4 ,thus ,i learned to covet1 dissemble1 lie1 and1 at length1 to steal1 a propensity ,i never felt the least idea of before1 though since that time ,i have never been able entirely to divest myself of it4 ,desire and inability united naturally led to this vice1 which is the reason pilfering is so common among footmen and apprentices1 though the latter1 as they grow up1 and find themselves in a situation where everything is at their command1 lose this shameful propensity4 ,as ,i never experienced the advantage1 ,i never enjoyed the benefit4 ,good sentiments1 ill-directed1 frequently lead children into vice4 ,notwithstanding my continual wants and temptations1 it was more than a year before ,i could resolve to take even eatables4 ,my first theft was occasioned by complaisance1 but it was productive of others which had not so plausible an excuse4 ,my master had a journeyman named ,verrat1 whose mother lived in the neighborhood1 and had a garden at a considerable distance from the house1 which produced excellent asparagus4 ,this ,verrat1 who had no great plenty of money1 took it in his head to rob her of the most early production of her garden1 and by the sale of it procure those indulgences he could not otherwise afford himself2 but not being very nimble1 he did not care to run the hazard of a surprise4 ,after some preliminary flattery1 which ,i did not comprehend the meaning of1 he proposed this expedition to me1 as an idea which had that moment struck him4 ,at first ,i would not listen to the proposal2 but he persisted in his solicitation1 and as ,i could never resist the attacks of flattery1 at length prevailed4 ,in pursuance of this virtuous resolution1 ,i every morning repaired to the garden1 gathered the best of the asparagus1 and took it to the ,holard where some good old women1 who guessed how ,i came by it1 wishing to diminish the price1 made no secret of their suspicions2 this produced the desired effect1 for1 being alarmed1 ,i took whatever they offered1 which being taken to ,mr4 ,verrat1 was presently metamorphosed into a breakfast1 and divided with a companion of his2 for1 though ,i procured it1 ,i never partook of their good cheer1 being fully satisfied with an inconsiderable bribe4 ,i executed my roguery with the greatest fidelity1 seeking only to please my employer2 and several days passed before it came into my head1 to rob the robber1 and tithe ,mr4 ,verrat's harvest4 ,i never considered the hazard ,i run in these expeditions1 not only of a torrent of abuse1 but what ,i should have been still more sensible of1 a hearty beating2 for the miscreant1 who received the whole benefit1 would certainly have denied all knowledge of the fact1 and ,i should only have received a double portion of punishment for daring to accuse him1 since being only an apprentice1 ,i stood no chance of being believed in opposition to a journeyman4 ,thus1 in every situation1 powerful rogues know how to save themselves at the expense of the feeble4 ,this practice taught me it was not so terrible to thieve as ,i had imagined3 ,i took care to make this discovery turn to some account1 helping myself to everything within my reach1 that ,i conceived an inclination for4 ,i was not absolutely ill-fed at my master's1 and temperance was only painful to me by comparing it with the luxury he enjoyed4 ,the custom of sending young people from table precisely when those things are served up which seem most tempting1 is calculated to increase their longing1 and induces them to steal what they conceive to be so delicious4 ,it may be supposed ,i was not backward in this particular3 in general my knavery succeeded pretty well1 though quite the reverse when ,i happened to be detected4 ,i recollect an attempt to procure some apples1 which was attended with circumstances that make me smile and shudder even at this instant4 ,the fruit was standing in the pantry1 which by a lattice at a considerable height received light from the kitchen4 ,one day1 being alone in the house1 ,i climbed up to see these precious apples1 which being out of my reach1 made this pantry appear the garden of ,hesperides4 ,i fetched the spit--tried if it would reach them--it was too short--,i lengthened it with a small one which was used for game1--my master being very fond of hunting1 darted at them several times without success2 at length was more fortunate2 being transported to find ,i was bringing up an apple1 ,i drew it gently to the lattice--was going to seize it when 7who can express my grief and astonishment67 ,i found it would not pass through--it was too large4 ,i tried every expedient to accomplish my design1 sought supporters to keep the spits in the same position1 a knife to divide the apple1 and a lath to hold it with2 at length1 ,i so far succeeded as to effect the division1 and made no doubt of drawing the pieces through2 but it was scarcely separated1 7compassionate reader1 sympathize with my affliction7 when both pieces fell into the pantry4 ,illustration3 #jjbh ,though ,i lost time by this experiment1 ,i did not lose courage1 but1 dreading a surprise1 ,i put off the attempt till next day1 when ,i hoped to be more successful1 and returned to my work as if nothing had happened1 without once thinking of what the two obvious witnesses ,i had left in the pantry deposed against me4 ,the next day 7a fine opportunity offering7 ,i renew the trial4 ,i fasten the spits together2 get on the stool2 take aim2 am just going to dart at my prey--unfortunately the dragon did not sleep2 the pantry door opens1 my master makes his appearance1 and1 looking up1 exclaims1 ,bravo6--,the horror of that moment returns--the pen drops from my hand4 ,a continual repetition of ill treatment rendered me callous2 it seemed a kind of composition for my crimes1 which authorized me to continue them1 and1 instead of looking back at the punishment1 ,i looked forward to revenge4 ,being beat like a slave1 ,i judged ,i had a right to all the vices of one4 ,i was convinced that to rob and be punished were inseparable1 and constituted1 if ,i may so express myself1 a kind of traffic1 in which1 if ,i perform my part of the bargain1 my master would take care not to be deficient in his2 that preliminary settled1 ,i applied myself to thieving with great tranquility1 and whenever this interrogatory occurred to my mind1 ,what will be the consequence8 the reply was ready1 ,i know the worst1 ,i shall be beat2 no matter1 ,i was made for it4 ,i love good eating2 am sensual1 but not greedy2 ,i have such a variety of inclinations to gratify1 that this can never predominate2 and unless my heart is unoccupied1 which very rarely happens1 ,i pay but little attention to my appetite2 to purloining eatables1 but extended this propensity to everything ,i wished to possess1 and if ,i did not become a robber in form1 it was only because money never tempted me4 ,my master had a closet in the workshop1 which he kept locked2 this ,i contrived to open and shut as often as ,i pleased1 and laid his best tools1 fine drawings1 impressions1 in a word1 everything he wished to keep from me1 under contribution4 ,these thefts were so far innocent1 that they were always employed in his service1 but ,i was transported at having the trifles in my possession1 and imagined ,i stole the art with its productions4 ,besides what ,i have mentioned1 his boxes contained threads of gold and silver1 a number of small jewels1 valuable medals1 and money2 yet1 though ,i seldom had five sous in my pocket1 ,i do not recollect ever having cast a wishful look at them2 on the contrary1 ,i beheld these valuables rather with terror than with delight4 ,i am convinced the dread of taking money was1 in a great measure1 the effect of education4 ,there was mingled with the idea of it the fear of infamy1 a prison1 punishment1 and death3 had ,i even felt the temptation1 these objects would have made me tremble2 whereas my failings appeared a species of waggery1 and1 in truth1 they were little else2 they could but occasion a good trimming1 and this ,i was already prepared for4 ,a sheet of fine drawing paper was a greater temptation than money sufficient to have purchased a ream4 ,this unreasonable caprice is connected with one of the most striking singularities of my character1 and has so far influenced my conduct1 that it requires a particular explanation4 ,my passions are extremely violent2 while under their influence1 nothing can equal my impetuosity2 ,i am an absolute stranger to discretion1 respect1 fear1 or decorum2 rude1 saucy1 violent1 and intrepid3 no shame can stop1 no danger intimidate me4 ,my mind is frequently so engrossed by a single object1 that beyond it the whole world is not worth a thought2 this is the enthusiasm of a moment1 the next1 perhaps1 ,i am plunged in a state of annihilation4 ,take me in my moments of tranquility1 ,i am indolence and timidity itself2 a word to speak1 the least trifle to perform1 appear an intolerable labor2 everything alarms and terrifies me2 the very buzzing of a fly will make me shudder2 ,i am so subdued by fear and shame1 that ,i would gladly shield myself from mortal view4 ,when obliged to exert myself1 ,i am ignorant what to do6 when forced to speak1 ,i am at a loss for words2 and if any one looks at me1 ,i am instantly out of countenance4 ,if animated with my subject1 ,i express my thoughts with ease1 but1 in ordinary conversations1 ,i can say nothing--absolutely nothing2 and1 being obliged to speak1 renders them insupportable4 ,i may add1 that none of my predominant inclinations centre in those pleasures which are to be purchased3 money empoisons my delight2 ,i must have them unadulterated2 ,i love those of the table1 for instance1 but cannot endure the restraints of good company1 or the intemperance of taverns2 ,i can enjoy them only with a friend1 for alone it is equally impossible2 my imagination is then so occupied with other things1 that ,i find no pleasure in eating4 ,women who are to be purchased have no charms for me2 my beating heart cannot be satisfied without affection2 it is the same with every other enjoyment1 if not truly disinterested1 they are absolutely insipid2 in a word1 ,i am fond of those things which are only estimable to minds formed for the peculiar enjoyment of them4 ,i never thought money so desirable as it is usually imagined2 if you would enjoy you must transform it2 and this transformation is frequently attended with inconvenience2 you must bargain1 purchase1 pay dear1 be badly served1 and often duped4 ,i buy an egg1 am assured it is new-laid--,i find it stale2 fruit in its utmost perfection--'tis absolutely green4 ,i love good wine1 but where shall ,i get it8 ,not at my wine merchant's--he will poison me to a certainty4 ,i wish to be universally respected2 how shall ,i compass my design8 ,i must make friends1 send messages1 write letters1 come1 go1 wait1 and be frequently deceived4 ,money is the perpetual source of uneasiness2 ,i fear it more than ,i love good wine4 ,a thousand times1 both during and since my apprenticeship1 have ,i gone out to purchase some nicety1 ,i approach the pastry-cook's1 perceive some women at the counter1 and imagine they are laughing at me4 ,i pass a fruit shop1 see some fine pears1 their appearance tempts me2 but then two or three young people are near1 or a man ,i am acquainted with is standing at the door2 ,i take all that pass for persons ,i have some knowledge of1 and my near sight contributes to deceive me4 ,i am everywhere intimidated1 restrained by some obstacle1 and with money in my pocket return as ,i went1 for want of resolution to purchase what ,i long for4 ,i should enter into the most insipid details was ,i to relate the trouble1 shame1 repugnance1 and inconvenience of all kinds which ,i have experienced in parting with my money1 whether in my own person1 or by the agency of others2 as ,i proceed1 the reader will get acquainted with my disposition1 and perceive all this without my troubling him with the recital4 ,this once comprehended1 one of my apparent contradictions will be easily accounted for1 and the most sordid avarice reconciled with the greatest contempt of money4 ,it is a movable which ,i consider of so little value1 that1 when destitute of it1 ,i never wish to acquire any2 and when ,i have a sum ,i keep it by me1 for want of knowing how to dispose of it to my satisfaction2 but let an agreeable and convenient opportunity present itself1 and ,i empty my purse with the utmost freedom2 not that ,i would have the reader imagine ,i am extravagant from a motive of ostentation1 quite the reverse2 it was ever in subservience to my pleasures1 and1 instead of glorying in expense1 ,i endeavor to conceal it4 ,i so well perceive that money is not made to answer my purposes1 that ,i am almost ashamed to have any1 and1 still more1 to make use of it4 ,had ,i ever possessed a moderate independence1 ,i am convinced ,i should have had no propensity to become avaricious4 ,i should have required no more1 and cheerfully lived up to my income2 but my precarious situation has constantly and necessarily kept me in fear4 ,i love liberty1 and ,i loathe constraint1 dependence1 and all their kindred annoyances4 ,as long as my purse contains money it secures my independence1 and exempts me from the trouble of seeking other money1 a trouble of which ,i have always had a perfect horror2 and the dread of seeing the end of my independence1 makes me proportionately unwilling to part with my money4 ,the money that we possess is the instrument of liberty1 that which we lack and strive to obtain is the instrument of slavery4 ,thence it is that ,i hold fast to aught that ,i have1 and yet covet nothing more4 ,my disinterestedness1 then1 is in reality only idleness1 the pleasure of possessing is not in my estimation worth the trouble of acquiring3 and my dissipation is only another form of idleness2 when we have an opportunity of disbursing pleasantly we should make the best possible use of it4 ,i am less tempted by money than by other objects1 because between the moment of possessing the money and that of using it to obtain the desired object there is always an interval1 however short2 whereas to possess the thing is to enjoy it4 ,i see a thing and it tempts me2 but if ,i see not the thing itself but only the means of acquiring it1 ,i am not tempted4 ,therefore it is that ,i have been a pilferer1 and am so even now1 in the way of mere trifles to which ,i take a fancy1 and which ,i find it easier to take than to ask for2 but ,i never in my life recollect having taken a farthing from any one1 except about fifteen years ago1 when ,i stole seven francs and ten sous4 ,the story is worth recounting1 as it exhibits a concurrence of ignorance and stupidity ,i should scarcely credit1 did it relate to any but myself4 ,it was in ,paris3 ,i was walking with ,m4 de ,franceul at the ,palais ,royal2 he pulled out his watch1 he looked at it1 and said to me1 ,suppose we go to the opera8--,with all my heart4 ,we go3 he takes two box tickets1 gives me one1 and enters himself with the other2 ,i follow1 find the door crowded2 and1 looking in1 see every one standing2 judging1 therefore1 that ,m4 de ,franceul might suppose me concealed by the company1 ,i go out1 ask for my ticket1 and1 getting the money returned1 leave the house1 without considering1 that by then ,i had reached the door every one would be seated1 and ,m4 de ,franceul might readily perceive ,i was not there4 ,as nothing could be more opposite to my natural inclination than this abominable meanness1 ,i note it1 to show there are moments of delirium when men ought not to be judged by their actions3 this was not stealing the money1 it was only stealing the use of it1 and was the more infamous for wanting the excuse of a temptation4 ,i should never end these accounts1 was ,i to describe all the gradations through which ,i passed1 during my apprenticeship1 from the sublimity of a hero to the baseness of a villain4 ,though ,i entered into most of the vices of my situation1 ,i had no relish for its pleasures2 the amusements of my companions were displeasing1 and when too much restraint had made my business wearisome1 ,i had nothing to amuse me4 ,this renewed my taste for reading which had long been neglected4 ,i thus committed a fresh offence1 books made me neglect my work1 and brought on additional punishment1 while inclination1 strengthened by constraint1 became an unconquerable passion4 ,la ,tribu1 a well-known librarian1 furnished me with all kinds2 good or bad1 ,i perused them with avidity1 and without discrimination4 ,it will be said2 at length1 then1 money became necessary--true2 but this happened at a time when a taste for study had deprived me both of resolution and activity2 totally occupied by this new inclination1 ,i only wished to read1 ,i robbed no longer4 ,this is another of my peculiarities2 a mere nothing frequently calls me off from what ,i appear the most attached to2 ,i give in to the new idea2 it becomes a passion1 and immediately every former desire is forgotten4 ,reading was my new hobby2 my heart beat with impatience to run over the new book ,i carried in my pocket2 the first moment ,i was alone1 ,i seized the opportunity to draw it out1 and thought no longer of rummaging my master's closet4 ,i was even ashamed to think that ,i had been guilty of such meanness2 and had my amusements been more expensive1 ,i no longer felt an inclination to continue it4 ,la ,tribu gave me credit1 and when once ,i had the book in my possession1 ,i thought no more of the trifle ,i was to pay for it2 as money came it naturally passed to this woman2 and when she chanced to be pressing1 nothing was so conveniently at hand as my own effects2 to steal in advance required foresight1 and robbing to pay was no temptation4 ,the frequent blows ,i received from my master1 with my private and ill-chosen studies1 rendered me reserved1 unsociable1 and almost deranged my reason4 ,though my taste had not preserved me from silly unmeaning books1 by good fortune ,i was a stranger to licentious or obscene ones2 not that ,la ,tribu 7who was very accommodating7 had any scruple of lending these1 on the contrary1 to enhance their worth she spoke of them with an air of mystery2 this produced an effect she had not foreseen1 for both shame and disgust made me constantly refuse them4 ,chance so well seconded my bashful disposition1 that ,i was past the age of thirty before ,i saw any of those dangerous compositions4 ,in less than a year ,i had exhausted ,la ,tribu's scanty library1 and was unhappy for want of further amusement4 ,my reading1 though frequently bad1 had worn off my childish follies1 and brought back my heart to nobler sentiments than my condition had inspired2 meantime disgusted with all within my reach1 and thinking everything charming that was out of it1 my present situation appeared extremely miserable4 ,my passions began to acquire strength1 ,i felt their influence1 without knowing whither they would conduct me4 ,i sometimes1 indeed1 thought of my former follies1 but sought no further4 ,at this time my imagination took a turn which helped to calm my increasing emotions2 it was1 to contemplate those situations in the books ,i had read1 which produced the most striking effect on my mind2 to recall1 combine1 and apply them to myself in such a manner1 as to become one of the personages my recollection presented1 and be continually in those fancied circumstances which were most agreeable to my inclinations2 in a word1 by contriving to place myself in these fictitious situations1 the idea of my real one was in a great measure obliterated4 ,this fondness for imaginary objects1 and the facility with which ,i could gain possession of them1 completed my disgust for everything around me1 and fixed that inclination for solitude which has ever since been predominant4 ,we shall have more than once occasion to remark the effects of a disposition1 misanthropic and melancholy in appearance1 but which proceed1 in fact1 from a heart too affectionate1 too ardent1 which1 for want of similar dispositions1 is constrained to content itself with nonentities1 and be satisfied with fiction4 ,it is sufficient1 at present1 to have traced the origin of a propensity which has modified my passions1 set bounds to each1 and by giving too much ardor to my wishes1 has ever rendered me too indolent to obtain them4 ,thus ,i attained my sixteenth year1 uneasy1 discontented with myself and everything that surrounded me2 displeased with my occupation2 without enjoying the pleasures common to my age1 weeping without a cause1 sighing ,i knew not why1 and fond of my chimerical ideas for want of more valuable realities4 ,every ,sunday1 after sermon-time1 my companions came to fetch me out1 wishing me to partake of their diversions4 ,i would willingly have been excused1 but when once engaged in amusement1 ,i was more animated and enterprising than any of them2 it was equally difficult to engage or restrain me2 indeed1 this was ever a leading trait in my character4 ,in our country walks ,i was ever foremost1 and never thought of returning till reminded by some of my companions4 ,i was twice obliged to be from my master's the whole night1 the city gates having been shut before ,i could reach them4 ,the reader may imagine what treatment this procured me the following mornings2 but ,i was promised such a reception for the third1 that ,i made a firm resolution never to expose myself to the danger of it4 ,notwithstanding my determination1 ,i repeated this dreaded transgression1 my vigilance having been rendered useless by a cursed captain1 named ,m4 ,minutoli1 who1 when on guard1 always shut the gate he had charge of an hour before the usual time4 ,i was returning home with my two companions1 and had got within half a league of the city1 when ,i heard them beat the tattoo2 ,i redouble my pace1 ,i run with my utmost speed1 ,i approach the bridge1 see the soldiers already at their posts1 ,i call out to them in a suffocated voice--it is too late2 ,i am twenty paces from the guard1 the first bridge is already drawn up1 and ,i tremble to see those terrible horns advanced in the air which announce the fatal and inevitable destiny1 which from this moment began to pursue me4 ,i threw myself on the glacis in a transport of despair1 while my companions1 who only laughed at the accident1 immediately determined what to do4 ,my resolution1 though different from theirs1 was equally sudden2 on the spot1 ,i swore never to return to my master's1 and the next morning1 when my companions entered the city1 ,i bade them an eternal adieu1 conjuring them at the same time to inform my cousin ,bernard of my resolution1 and the place where he might see me for the last time4 ,from the commencement of my apprenticeship ,i had seldom seen him2 at first1 indeed1 we saw each other on ,sundays1 but each acquiring different habits1 our meetings were less frequent4 ,i am persuaded his mother contributed greatly towards this change2 he was to consider himself as a person of consequence1 ,i was a pitiful apprentice2 notwithstanding our relationship1 equality no longer subsisted between us1 and it was degrading himself to frequent my company4 ,as he had a natural good heart his mother's lessons did not take an immediate effect1 and for some time he continued to visit me4 ,having learned my resolution1 he hastened to the spot ,i had appointed1 not1 however1 to dissuade me from it1 but to render my flight agreeable1 by some trifling presents1 as my own resources would not have carried me far4 ,he gave me among other things1 a small sword1 which ,i was very proud of1 and took with me as far as ,turin1 where absolute want constrained me to dispose of it4 ,the more ,i reflect on his behavior at this critical moment1 the more ,i am persuaded he followed the instructions of his mother1 and perhaps his father likewise3 for1 had he been left to his own feelings1 he would have endeavored to retain1 or have been tempted to accompany me2 on the contrary1 he encouraged the design1 and when he saw me resolutely determined to pursue it1 without seeming much affected1 left me to my fate4 ,we never saw or wrote to each other from that time2 ,i cannot but regret this loss1 for his heart was essentially good1 and we seemed formed for a more lasting friendship4 ,before ,i abandon myself to the fatality of my destiny1 let me contemplate for a moment the prospect that awaited me had ,i fallen into the hands of a better master4 ,nothing could have been more agreeable to my disposition1 or more likely to confer happiness1 than the peaceful condition of a good artificer1 in so respectable a line as engravers are considered at ,geneva4 ,i could have obtained an easy subsistence1 if not a fortune2 this would have bounded my ambition2 ,i should have had means to indulge in moderate pleasures1 and should have continued in my natural sphere1 without meeting with any temptation to go beyond it4 ,having an imagination sufficiently fertile to embellish with its chimeras every situation1 and powerful enough to transport me from one to another1 it was immaterial in which ,i was fixed3 that was best adapted to me1 which1 requiring the least care or exertion1 left the mind most at liberty2 and this happiness ,i should have enjoyed4 ,in my native country1 in the bosom of my religion1 family and friends1 ,i should have passed a calm and peaceful life1 in the uniformity of a pleasing occupation1 and among connections dear to my heart4 ,i should have been a good ,christian1 a good citizen1 a good friend1 a good man4 ,i should have relished my condition1 perhaps have been an honor to it1 and after having passed a life of happy obscurity1 surrounded by my family1 ,i should have died at peace4 ,soon it may be forgotten1 but while remembered it would have been with tenderness and regret4 ,instead of this--what a picture am ,i about to draw6--,alas6 why should ,i anticipate the miseries ,i have endured8 ,the reader will have but too much of the melancholy subject4 ,,book ,,ii4 ,the moment in which fear had instigated my flight1 did not seem more terrible than that wherein ,i put my design in execution appeared delightful4 ,to leave my relations1 my resources1 while yet a child1 in the midst of my apprenticeship1 before ,i had learned enough of my business to obtain a subsistence2 to run on inevitable misery and danger3 to expose myself in that age of weakness and innocence to all the temptations of vice and despair2 to set out in search of errors1 misfortunes1 snares1 slavery1 and death2 to endure more intolerable evils than those ,i meant to shun1 was the picture ,i should have drawn1 the natural consequence of my hazardous enterprise4 ,how different was the idea ,i entertained of it6--,the independence ,i seemed to possess was the sole object of my contemplation2 having obtained my liberty1 ,i thought everything attainable3 ,i entered with confidence on the vast theatre of the world1 which my merit was to captivate3 at every step ,i expected to find amusements1 treasures1 and adventures2 friends ready to serve1 and mistresses eager to please me2 ,i had but to show myself1 and the whole universe would be interested in my concerns2 not but ,i could have been content with something less2 a charming society1 with sufficient means1 might have satisfied me4 ,my moderation was such1 that the sphere in which ,i proposed to shine was rather circumscribed1 but then it was to possess the very quintessence of enjoyment1 and myself the principal object4 ,a single castle1 for instance1 might have bounded my ambition2 could ,i have been the favorite of the lord and lady1 the daughter's lover1 the son's friend1 and protector of the neighbors1 ,i might have been tolerably content1 and sought no further4 ,in expectation of this modest fortune1 ,i passed a few days in the environs of the city1 with some country people of my acquaintance1 who received me with more kindness than ,i should have met with in town2 they welcomed1 lodged1 and fed me cheerfully2 ,i could be said to live on charity1 these favors were not conferred with a sufficient appearance of superiority to furnish out the idea4 ,i rambled about in this manner till ,i got to ,confignon1 in ,savoy1 at about two leagues distance from ,geneva4 ,the vicar was called ,m4 de ,pontverre2 this name1 so famous in the history of the ,republic1 caught my attention2 ,i was curious to see what appearance the descendants of the gentlemen of the spoon exhibited2 ,i went1 therefore1 to visit this ,m4 de ,pontverre1 and was received with great civility4 ,he spoke of the heresy of ,geneva1 declaimed on the authority of holy mother church1 and then invited me to dinner4 ,i had little to object to arguments which had so desirable a conclusion1 and was inclined to believe that priests1 who gave such excellent dinners1 might be as good as our ministers4 ,notwithstanding ,m4 de ,pontverre's pedigree1 ,i certainly possessed most learning2 but ,i rather sought to be a good companion than an expert theologian2 and his ,frangi wine1 which ,i thought delicious1 argued so powerfully on his side1 that ,i should have blushed at silencing so kind a host2 ,i1 therefore1 yielded him the victory1 or rather declined the contest4 ,any one who had observed my precaution1 would certainly have pronounced me a dissembler1 though1 in fact1 ,i was only courteous4 ,flattery1 or rather condescension1 is not always a vice in young people2 'tis oftener a virtue4 ,when treated with kindness1 it is natural to feel an attachment for the person who confers the obligation2 we do not acquiesce because we wish to deceive1 but from dread of giving uneasiness1 or because we wish to avoid the ingratitude of rendering evil for good4 ,what interest had ,m4 de ,pontverre in entertaining1 treating with respect1 and endeavoring to convince me8 ,none but mine2 my young heart told me this1 and ,i was penetrated with gratitude and respect for the generous priest2 ,i was sensible of my superiority1 but scorned to repay his hospitality by taking advantage of it4 ,i had no conception of hypocrisy in this forbearance1 or thought of changing my religion1 nay1 so far was the idea from being familiar to me1 that ,i looked on it with a degree of horror which seemed to exclude the possibility of such an event2 ,i only wished to avoid giving offence to those ,i was sensible caressed me from that motive2 ,i wished to cultivate their good opinion1 and meantime leave them the hope of success by seeming less on my guard than ,i really was4 ,my conduct in this particular resembled the coquetry of some very honest women1 who1 to obtain their wishes1 without permitting or promising anything1 sometimes encourage hopes they never mean to realize4 ,reason1 piety1 and love of order1 certainly demanded that instead of being encouraged in my folly1 ,i should have been dissuaded from the ruin ,i was courting1 and sent back to my family2 and this conduct any one that was actuated by genuine virtue would have pursued2 but it should be observed that though ,m4 de ,pontverre was a religious man1 he was not a virtuous one1 but a bigot1 who knew no virtue except worshipping images and telling his beads1 in a word1 a kind of missionary1 who thought the height of merit consisted in writing libels against the ministers of ,geneva4 ,far from wishing to send me back1 he endeavored to favor my escape1 and put it out of my power to return even had ,i been so disposed4 ,it was a thousand to one but he was sending me to perish with hunger1 or become a villain2 but all this was foreign to his purpose2 he saw a soul snatched from heresy1 and restored to the bosom of the church3 whether ,i was an honest man or a knave was very immaterial1 provided ,i went to mass4 ,this ridiculous mode of thinking is not peculiar to ,catholics2 it is the voice of every dogmatical persuasion where merit consists in belief1 and not in virtue4 ,you are called by the ,almighty1 said ,m4 de ,pontverre2 go to ,annecy1 where you will find a good and charitable lady1 whom the bounty of the king enables to turn souls from those errors she has happily renounced4 ,he spoke of a ,madam de ,warens1 a new convert1 to whom the priests contrived to send those wretches who were disposed to sell their faith1 and with these she was in a manner constrained to share a pension of two thousand francs bestowed on her by the ,king of ,sardinia4 ,i felt myself extremely humiliated at being supposed to want the assistance of a good and charitable lady4 ,i had no objection to be accommodated with everything ,i stood in need of1 but did not wish to receive it on the footing of charity and to owe this obligation to a devotee was still worse2 notwithstanding my scruples the persuasions of ,m4 de ,pontverre1 the dread of perishing with hunger1 the pleasures ,i promised myself from the journey1 and hope of obtaining some desirable situation1 determined me2 and ,i set out though reluctantly1 for ,annecy4 ,i could easily have reached it in a day1 but being in no great haste to arrive there1 it took me three4 ,my head was filled with the ideas of adventures1 and ,i approached every country-seat ,i saw in my way1 in expectation of having them realized4 ,i had too much timidity to knock at the doors1 or even enter if ,i saw them open1 but ,i did what ,i dared--which was to sing under those windows that ,i thought had the most favorable appearance2 and was very much disconcerted to find ,i wasted my breath to no purpose1 and that neither old nor young ladies were attracted by the melody of my voice1 or the wit of my poetry1 though some songs my companions had taught me ,i thought excellent and that ,i sung them incomparably4 ,at length ,i arrived at ,annecy1 and saw ,madam de ,warens4 ,as this period of my life1 in a great measure1 determined my character1 ,i could not resolve to pass it lightly over4 ,i was in the middle of my sixteenth year1 and though ,i could not be called handsome1 was well made for my height2 ,i had a good foot1 a well turned leg1 and animated countenance2 a well proportioned mouth1 black hair and eyebrows1 and my eyes1 though small and rather too far in my head1 sparkling with vivacity1 darted that innate fire which inflamed my blood2 unfortunately for me1 ,i knew nothing of all this1 never having bestowed a single thought on my person till it was too late to be of any service to me4 ,the timidity common to my age was heightened by a natural benevolence1 which made me dread the idea of giving pain4 ,though my mind had received some cultivation1 having seen nothing of the world1 ,i was an absolute stranger to polite address1 and my mental acquisitions1 so far from supplying this defect1 only served to increase my embarrassment1 by making me sensible of every deficiency4 ,depending little1 therefore1 on external appearances1 ,i had recourse to other expedients3 ,i wrote a most elaborate letter1 where1 mingling all the flowers of rhetoric which ,i had borrowed from books with the phrases of an apprentice1 ,i endeavored to strike the attention1 and insure the good will of ,madam de ,warens4 ,i enclosed ,m4 de ,pontverre's letter in my own and waited on the lady with a heart palpitating with fear and expectation4 ,it was ,palm ,sunday1 of the year #agbh2 ,i was informed she was that moment gone to church2 ,i hasten after her1 overtake1 and speak to her4--,the place is yet fresh in my memory--how can it be otherwise8 often have ,i moistened it with my tears and covered it with kisses4--,why cannot ,i enclose with gold the happy spot1 and render it the object of universal veneration8 ,whoever wishes to honor monuments of human salvation would only approach it on their knees4 ,it was a passage at the back of the house1 bordered on the left hand by a little rivulet1 which separated it from the garden1 and1 on the right1 by the court yard wall2 at the end was a private door which opened into the church of the ,cordeliers4 ,madam de ,warens was just passing this door2 but on hearing my voice1 instantly turned about4 ,what an effect did the sight of her produce6 ,i expected to see a devout1 forbidding old woman2 ,m4 de ,pontverre's pious and worthy lady could be no other in my conception2 instead of which1 ,i see a face beaming with charms1 fine blue eyes full of sweetness1 a complexion whose whiteness dazzled the sight1 the form of an enchanting neck1 nothing escaped the eager eye of the young proselyte2 for that instant ,i was hers6--a religion preached by such missionaries must lead to paradise6 ,my letter was presented with a trembling hand2 she took it with a smile--opened it1 glanced an eye over ,m4 de ,pontverre's and again returned to mine1 which she read through and would have read again1 had not the footman that instant informed her that service was beginning--,child1 said she1 in a tone of voice which made every nerve vibrate1 you are wandering about at an early age--it is really a pity6--and without waiting for an answer1 added--,go to my house1 bid them give you something for breakfast1 after mass1 ,i will speak to you4 ,louisa-,eleanora de ,warens was of the noble and ancient family of ,la ,tour de ,pit1 of ,vevay1 a city in the country of the ,vaudois4 ,she was married very young to a ,m4 de ,warens1 of the house of ,loys1 eldest son of ,m4 de ,villardin1 of ,lausanne2 there were no children by this marriage1 which was far from being a happy one4 ,some domestic uneasiness made ,madam de ,warens take the resolution of crossing the ,lake1 and throwing herself at the feet of ,victor ,amadeus1 who was then at ,evian2 thus abandoning her husband1 family1 and country by a giddiness similar to mine1 which precipitation she1 too1 has found sufficient time and reason to lament4 ,the king1 who was fond of appearing a zealous promoter of the ,catholic faith1 took her under his protection1 and complimented her with a pension of fifteen hundred livres of ,piedmont1 which was a considerable appointment for a prince who never had the character of being generous2 but finding his liberality made some conjecture he had an affection for the lady1 he sent her to ,annecy escorted by a detachment of his guards1 where1 under the direction of ,michael ,gabriel de ,bernex1 titular bishop of ,geneva1 she abjured her former religion at the ,convent of the ,visitation4 ,i came to ,annecy just six years after this event2 ,madam de ,warens was then eight-and-twenty1 being born with the century4 ,her beauty1 consisting more in the expressive animation of the countenance1 than a set of features1 was in its meridian2 her manner soothing and tender2 an angelic smile played about her mouth1 which was small and delicate2 she wore her hair 7which was of an ash color1 and uncommonly beautiful7 with an air of negligence that made her appear still more interesting2 she was short1 and rather thick for her height1 though by no means disagreeably so2 but there could not be a more lovely face1 a finer neck1 or hands and arms more exquisitely formed4 ,her education had been derived from such a variety of sources1 that it formed an extraordinary assemblage4 ,like me1 she had lost her mother at her birth1 and had received instruction as it chanced to present itself2 she had learned something of her governess1 something of her father1 a little of her masters1 but copiously from her lovers2 particularly a ,m4 de ,tavel1 who1 possessing both taste and information1 endeavored to adorn with them the mind of her he loved4 ,these various instructions1 not being properly arranged1 tended to impede each other1 and she did not acquire that degree of improvement her natural good sense was capable of receiving2 she knew something of philosophy and physic1 but not enough to eradicate the fondness she had imbibed from her father for empiricism and alchemy2 she made elixirs1 tinctures1 balsams1 pretended to secrets1 and prepared magestry2 while quacks and pretenders1 profiting by her weakness1 destroyed her property among furnaces1 drugs and minerals1 diminishing those charms and accomplishments which might have been the delight of the most elegant circles4 ,but though these interested wretches took advantage of her ill-applied education to obscure her natural good sense1 her excellent heart retained its purity2 her amiable mildness1 sensibility for the unfortunate1 inexhaustible bounty1 and open1 cheerful frankness1 knew no variation2 even at the approach of old age1 when attacked by various calamities1 rendered more cutting by indigence1 the serenity of her disposition preserved to the end of her life the pleasing gayety of her happiest days4 ,her errors proceeded from an inexhaustible fund of activity1 which demanded perpetual employment4 ,she found no satisfaction in the customary intrigues of her sex1 but1 being formed for vast designs1 sought the direction of important enterprises and discoveries4 ,in her place ,madam de ,longueville would have been a mere trifler1 in ,madam de ,longueville's situation she would have governed the state4 ,her talents did not accord with her fortune2 what would have gained her distinction in a more elevated sphere1 became her ruin4 ,in enterprises which suited her disposition1 she arranged the plan in her imagination1 which was ever carried of its utmost extent1 and the means she employed being proportioned rather to her ideas than abilities1 she failed by the mismanagement of those upon whom she depended1 and was ruined where another would scarce have been a loser4 ,this active disposition1 which involved her in so many difficulties1 was at least productive of one benefit as it prevented her from passing the remainder of her life in the monastic asylum she had chosen1 which she had some thought of4 ,the simple and uniform life of a nun1 and the little cabals and gossipings of their parlor1 were not adapted to a mind vigorous and active1 which1 every day forming new systems1 had occasions for liberty to attempt their completion4 ,the good bishop of ,bernex1 with less wit than ,francis of ,sales1 resembled him in many particulars1 and ,madam de ,warens1 whom he loved to call his daughter1 and who was like ,madam de ,chantel in several respects1 might have increased the resemblance by retiring like her from the world1 had she not been disgusted with the idle trifling of a convent4 ,it was not want of zeal prevented this amiable woman from giving those proofs of devotion which might have been expected from a new convert1 under the immediate direction of a prelate4 ,whatever might have influenced her to change her religion1 she was certainly sincere in that she had embraced2 she might find sufficient occasion to repent having abjured her former faith1 but no inclination to return to it4 ,she not only died a good ,catholic1 but truly lived one2 nay1 ,i dare affirm 7and ,i think ,i have had the opportunity to read the secrets of her heart7 that it was only her aversion to singularity that prevented her acting the devotee in public2 in a word1 her piety was too sincere to give way to any affectation of it4 ,but this is not the place to enlarge on her principles3 ,i shall find other occasions to speak of them4 ,let those who deny the existence of a sympathy of souls1 explain1 if they know how1 why the first glance1 the first word of ,madam de ,warens inspired me1 not only with a lively attachment1 but with the most unbounded confidence1 which has since known no abatement4 ,say this was love 7which will at least appear doubtful to those who read the sequel of our attachment7 how could this passion be attended with sentiments which scarce ever accompany its commencement1 such as peace1 serenity1 security1 and confidence4 ,how1 when making application to an amiable and polished woman1 whose situation in life was so superior to mine1 so far above any ,i had yet approached1 on whom1 in a great measure1 depended my future fortune by the degree of interest she might take in it2 how1 ,i say with so many reasons to depress me1 did ,i feel myself as free1 as much at my ease1 as if ,i had been perfectly secure of pleasing her6 ,why did ,i not experience a moment of embarrassment1 timidity or restraint8 ,naturally bashful1 easily confused1 having seen nothing of the world1 could ,i1 the first time1 the first moment ,i beheld her1 adopt caressing language1 and a familiar tone1 as readily as after ten years' intimacy had rendered these freedoms natural8 ,is it possible to possess love1 ,i will not say without desires1 for ,i certainly had them1 but without inquietude1 without jealousy8 ,can we avoid feeling an anxious wish at least to know whether our affection is returned8 ,yet such a question never entered my imagination2 ,i should as soon have inquired1 do ,i love myself2 nor did she ever express a greater degree of curiosity2 there was1 certainly1 something extraordinary in my attachment to this charming woman and it will be found in the sequel1 that some extravagances1 which cannot be foreseen1 attended it4 ,what could be done for me1 was the present question1 and in order to discuss the point with greater freedom1 she made me dine with her4 ,this was the first meal in my life where ,i had experienced a want of appetite1 and her woman1 who waited1 observed it was the first time she had seen a traveller of my age and appearance deficient in that particular3 this remark1 which did me no injury in the opinion of her mistress1 fell hard on an overgrown clown1 who was my fellow guest1 and devoured sufficient to have served at least six moderate feeders4 ,for me1 ,i was too much charmed to think of eating2 my heart began to imbibe a delicious sensation1 which engrossed my whole being1 and left no room for other objects4 ,madam de ,warens wished to hear the particulars of my little history--all the vivacity ,i had lost during my servitude returned and assisted the recital4 ,in proportion to the interest this excellent woman took in my story1 did she lament the fate to which ,i had exposed myself2 compassion was painted on her features1 and expressed by every action4 ,she could not exhort me to return to ,geneva1 being too well aware that her words and actions were strictly scrutinized1 and that such advice would be thought high treason against ,catholicism1 but she spoke so feelingly of the affliction ,i must give my father1 that it was easy to perceive she would have approved my returning to console him4 ,alas6 she little thought how powerfully this pleaded against herself2 the more eloquently persuasive she appeared1 the less could ,i resolve to tear myself from her4 ,i knew that returning to ,geneva would be putting an insuperable barrier between us1 unless ,i repeated the expedient which had brought me here1 and it was certainly better to preserve than expose myself to the danger of a relapse2 besides all this1 my conduct was predetermined1 ,i was resolved not to return4 ,madam de ,warens1 seeing her endeavors would be fruitless1 became less explicit1 and only added1 with an air of commiseration1 ,poor child6 thou must go where ,providence directs thee1 but one day thou wilt think of me4--,i believe she had no conception at that time how fatally her prediction would be verified4 ,the difficulty still remained how ,i was to gain a subsistence8 ,i have already observed that ,i knew too little of engraving for that to furnish my resource1 and had ,i been more expert1 ,savoy was too poor a country to give much encouragement to the arts4 ,the above-mentioned glutton1 who ate for us as well as himself1 being obliged to pause in order to gain some relaxation from the fatigue of it1 imparted a piece of advice1 which1 according to him1 came express from ,heaven2 though to judge by its effects it appeared to have been dictated from a direct contrary quarter3 this was that ,i should go to ,turin1 where1 in a hospital instituted for the instruction of catechumens1 ,i should find food1 both spiritual and temporal1 be reconciled to the bosom of the church1 and meet with some charitable ,christians1 who would make it a point to procure me a situation that would turn to my advantage4 ,in regard to the expenses of the journey1 continued our advisor1 his grace1 my lord bishop1 will not be backward1 when once madam has proposed this holy work1 to offer his charitable donation1 and madam1 the baroness1 whose charity is so well known1 once more addressing himself to the continuation of his meal1 will certainly contribute4 ,i was by no means pleased with all these charities2 ,i said nothing1 but my heart was ready to burst with vexation4 ,madam de ,warens1 who did not seem to think so highly of this expedient as the projector pretended to do1 contented herself by saying1 everyone should endeavor to promote good actions1 and that she would mention it to his lordship2 but the meddling devil1 who had some private interest in this affair1 and questioned whether she would urge it to his satisfaction1 took care to acquaint the almoners with my story1 and so far influenced those good priests1 that when ,madam de ,warens1 who disliked the journey on my account1 mentioned it to the bishop1 she found it so far concluded on1 that he immediately put into her hands the money designed for my little viaticum4 ,she dared not advance anything against it2 ,i was approaching an age when a woman like her could not1 with any propriety1 appear anxious to retain me4 ,my departure being thus determined by those who undertook the management of my concerns1 ,i had only to submit2 and ,i did it without much repugnance4 ,though ,turin was at a greater distance from ,madam de ,warens than ,geneva1 yet being the capital of the country ,i was now in1 it seemed to have more connection with ,annecy than a city under a different government and of a contrary religion2 besides1 as ,i undertook this journey in obedience to her1 ,i considered myself as living under her direction1 which was more flattering than barely to continue in the neighborhood2 to sum up all1 the idea of a long journey coincided with my insurmountable passion for rambling1 which already began to demonstrate itself4 ,to pass the mountains1 to my eye appeared delightful2 how charming the reflection of elevating myself above my companions by the whole height of the ,alps6 ,to see the world is an almost irresistible temptation to a ,genevan1 accordingly ,i gave my consent4 ,he who suggested the journey was to set off in two days with his wife4 ,i was recommended to their care2 they were likewise made my purse-bearers1 which had been augmented by ,madam de ,warens1 who1 not contented with these kindnesses1 added secretly a pecuniary reinforcement1 attended with the most ample instructions1 and we departed on the ,wednesday before ,easter4 ,the day following1 my father arrived at ,annecy1 accompanied by his friend1 a ,mr4 ,rival1 who was likewise a watchmaker2 he was a man of sense and letters1 who wrote better verses than ,la ,motte1 and spoke almost as well2 what is still more to his praise1 he was a man of the strictest integrity1 but whose taste for literature only served to make one of his sons a comedian4 ,having traced me to the house of ,madam de ,warens1 they contented themselves with lamenting1 like her1 my fate1 instead of overtaking me1 which1 7as they were on horseback and ,i on foot7 they might have accomplished with the greatest ease4 ,my uncle ,bernard did the same thing1 he arrived at ,consignon1 received information that ,i was gone to ,annecy1 and immediately returned back to ,geneva2 thus my nearest relations seemed to have conspired with my adverse stars to consign me to misery and ruin4 ,by a similar negligence1 my brother was so entirely lost1 that it was never known what was become of him4 ,my father was not only a man of honor but of the strictest probity1 and endured with that magnanimity which frequently produces the most shining virtues3 ,i may add1 he was a good father1 particularly to me whom he tenderly loved2 but he likewise loved his pleasures1 and since we had been separated other connections had weakened his paternal affections4 ,he had married again at ,nion1 and though his second wife was too old to expect children1 she had relations2 my father was united to another family1 surrounded by other objects1 and a variety of cares prevented my returning to his remembrance4 ,he was in the decline of life and had nothing to support the inconveniences of old age2 my mother's property devolved to me and my brother1 but1 during our absence1 the interest of it was enjoyed by my father3 ,i do not mean to infer that this consideration had an immediate effect on his conduct1 but it had an imperceptible one1 and prevented him making use of that exertion to regain me which he would otherwise have employed2 and this1 ,i think1 was the reason that having traced me as far as ,annecy1 he stopped short1 without proceeding to ,chambery1 where he was almost certain ,i should be found2 and likewise accounts why1 on visiting him several times since my flight1 he always received me with great kindness1 but never made any efforts to retain me4 ,this conduct in a father1 whose affection and virtue ,i was so well convinced of1 has given birth to reflections on the regulation of my own conduct which have greatly contributed to preserve the integrity of my heart4 ,it has taught me this great lesson of morality1 perhaps the only one that can have any conspicuous influence on our actions1 that we should ever carefully avoid putting our interests in competition with our duty1 or promise ourselves felicity from the misfortunes of others2 certain that in such circumstances1 however sincere our love of virtue may be1 sooner or later it will give way and we shall imperceptibly become unjust and wicked1 in fact1 however upright in our intentions4 ,this maxim1 strongly imprinted on my mind1 and reduced1 though rather too late1 to practice1 has given my conduct an appearance of folly and whimsicality1 not only in public1 but still more among my acquaintances3 it has been said1 ,i affected originality1 and sought to act different from other people2 the truth is1 ,i neither endeavor to conform or be singular1 ,i desire only to act virtuously and avoid situations1 which1 by setting my interest in opposition to that of another person's1 might inspire me with a secret1 though involuntary wish to his disadvantage4 ,two years ago1 ,my ,lord ,marshal would have put my name in his will1 which ,i took every method to prevent1 assuring him ,i would not for the world know myself in the will of any one1 much less in his2 he gave up the idea2 but insisted in return1 that ,i should accept an annuity on his life2 this ,i consented to4 ,it will be said1 ,i find my account in the alteration2 perhaps ,i may2 but oh1 my benefactor6 my father1 ,i am now sensible that1 should ,i have the misfortune to survive thee1 ,i should have everything to lose1 nothing to gain4 ,this1 in my idea1 in true philosophy1 the surest bulwark of human rectitude2 every day do ,i receive fresh conviction of its profound solidity4 ,i have endeavored to recommend it in all my latter writings1 but the multitude read too superficially to have made the remark4 ,if ,i survive my present undertaking1 and am able to begin another1 ,i mean1 in a continuation of ,emilius1 to give such a lively and marking example of this maxim as cannot fail to strike attention4 ,but ,i have made reflections enough for a traveller1 it is time to continue my journey4 ,it turned out more agreeable than ,i expected3 my clownish conductor was not so morose as he appeared to be4 ,he was a middle-aged man1 wore his black1 grizzly hair1 in a queue1 had a martial air1 a strong voice1 was tolerably cheerful1 and to make up for not having been taught any trade1 could turn his hand to every one4 ,having proposed to establish some kind of manufactory at ,annecy1 he had consulted ,madam de ,warens1 who immediately gave into the project1 and he was now going to ,turin to lay the plan before the minister and get his approbation1 for which journey he took care to be well rewarded4 ,this drole had the art of ingratiating himself with the priests1 whom he ever appeared eager to serve2 he adopted a certain jargon which he had learned by frequenting their company1 and thought himself a notable preacher2 he could even repeat one passage from the ,bible in ,latin1 and it answered his purpose as well as if he had known a thousand1 for he repeated it a thousand times a day4 ,he was seldom at a loss for money when he knew what purse contained it2 yet1 was rather artful than knavish1 and when dealing out in an affected tone his unmeaning discourses1 resembled ,peter the ,hermit1 preaching up the crusade with a sabre at his side4 ,madam ,sabran1 his wife1 was a tolerable1 good sort of woman2 more peaceable by day than by night2 as ,i slept in the same chamber ,i was frequently disturbed by her wakefulness1 and should have been more so had ,i comprehended the cause of it2 but ,i was in the chapter of dullness1 which left to nature the whole care of my own instruction4 ,i went on gayly with my pious guide and his hopeful companion1 no sinister accident impeding our journey4 ,i was in the happiest circumstances both of mind and body that ,i ever recollect having experienced2 young1 full of health and security1 placing unbounded confidence in myself and others2 in that short but charming moment of human life1 whose expansive energy carries1 if ,i may so express myself1 our being to the utmost extent of our sensations1 embellishing all nature with an inexpressible charm1 flowing from the conscious and rising enjoyment of our existence4 ,my pleasing inquietudes became less wandering3 ,i had now an object on which imagination could fix4 ,i looked on myself as the work1 the pupil1 the friend1 almost the lover of ,madam de ,warens2 the obliging things she had said1 the caresses she had bestowed on me2 the tender interest she seemed to take in everything that concerned me2 those charming looks1 which seemed replete with love1 because they so powerfully inspired it1 every consideration flattered my ideas during this journey1 and furnished the most delicious reveries1 which1 no doubt1 no fear of my future condition arose to embitter4 ,in sending me to ,turin1 ,i thought they engaged to find me an agreeable subsistence there2 thus eased of every care ,i passed lightly on1 while young desires1 enchanting hopes1 and brilliant prospects employed my mind2 each object that presented itself seemed to insure my approaching felicity4 ,i imagined that every house was filled with joyous festivity1 the meadows resounded with sports and revelry1 the rivers offered refreshing baths1 delicious fish wantoned in these streams1 and how delightful was it to ramble along the flowery banks6 ,the trees were loaded with the choicest fruits1 while their shade afforded the most charming and voluptuous retreats to happy lovers2 the mountains abounded with milk and cream2 peace and leisure1 simplicity and joy1 mingled with the charm of going ,i knew not whither1 and everything ,i saw carried to my heart some new cause for rapture4 ,the grandeur1 variety1 and real beauty of the scene1 in some measure rendered the charm reasonable1 in which vanity came in for its share2 to go so young to ,italy1 view such an extent of country1 and pursue the route of ,hannibal over the ,alps1 appeared a glory beyond my age2 add to all this our frequent and agreeable halts1 with a good appetite and plenty to satisfy it2 for in truth it was not worth while to be sparing2 at ,mr4 ,sabran's table what ,i eat could scarce be missed4 ,in the whole course of my life ,i cannot recollect an interval more perfectly exempt from care1 than the seven or eight days ,i was passing from ,annecy to ,turin4 ,as we were obliged to walk ,madam ,sabran's pace1 it rather appeared an agreeable jaunt than a fatiguing journey2 there still remains the most pleasing impressions of it on my mind1 and the idea of a pedestrian excursion1 particularly among the mountains1 has from this time seemed delightful4 ,it was only in my happiest days that ,i travelled on foot1 and ever with the most unbounded satisfaction2 afterwards1 occupied with business and encumbered with baggage1 ,i was forced to act the gentleman and employ a carriage1 where care1 embarrassment1 and restraint1 were sure to be my companions1 and instead of being delighted with the journey1 ,i only wished to arrive at the place of destination4 ,i was a long time at ,paris1 wishing to meet with two companions of similar dispositions1 who would each agree to appropriate fifty guineas of his property and a year of his time to making the tour of ,italy on foot1 with no other attendance than a young fellow to carry our necessaries2 ,i have met with many who seemed enchanted with the project1 but considered it only as a visionary scheme1 which served well enough to talk of1 without any design of putting it in execution4 ,one day1 speaking with enthusiasm of this project to ,diderot and ,grimm1 they gave into the proposal with such warmth that ,i thought the matter concluded on2 but it only turned out a journey on paper1 in which ,grimm thought nothing so pleasing as making ,diderot commit a number of impieties1 and shutting me up in the ,inquisition for them1 instead of him4 ,my regret at arriving so soon at ,turin was compensated by the pleasure of viewing a large city1 and the hope of figuring there in a conspicuous character1 for my brain already began to be intoxicated with the fumes of ambition2 my present situation appeared infinitely above that of an apprentice1 and ,i was far from foreseeing how soon ,i should be much below it4 ,before ,i proceed1 ,i ought to offer an excuse1 or justification to the reader for the great number of unentertaining particulars ,i am necessitated to repeat4 ,in pursuance of the resolution ,i have formed to enter on this public exhibition of myself1 it is necessary that nothing should bear the appearance of obscurity or concealment4 ,i should be continually under the eye of the reader1 he should be enabled to follow me ,in all the wanderings of my heart1 through every intricacy of my adventures2 he must find no void or chasm in my relation1 nor lose sight of me an instant1 lest he should find occasion to say1 what was he doing at this time2 and suspect me of not having dared to reveal the whole4 ,i give sufficient scope to malignity in what ,i say2 it is unnecessary ,i should furnish still more by my silence4 ,my money was all gone1 even that ,i had secretly received from ,madam de ,warens3 ,i had been so indiscreet as to divulge this secret1 and my conductors had taken care to profit by it4 ,madam ,sabran found means to deprive me of everything ,i had1 even to a ribbon embroidered with silver1 with which ,madam de ,warens had adorned the hilt of my sword2 this ,i regretted more than all the rest2 indeed the sword itself would have gone the same way1 had ,i been less obstinately bent on retaining it4 ,they had1 it is true1 supported me during the journey1 but left me nothing at the end of it1 and ,i arrived at ,turin1 without money1 clothes1 or linen1 being precisely in the situation to owe to my merit alone the whole honor of that fortune ,i was about to acquire4 ,i took care in the first place to deliver the letters ,i was charged with1 and was presently conducted to the hospital of the catechumens1 to be instructed in that religion1 for which1 in return1 ,i was to receive subsistence4 ,on entering1 ,i passed an iron-barred gate1 which was immediately double-locked on me2 this beginning was by no means calculated to give me a favorable opinion of my situation4 ,i was then conducted to a large apartment1 whose furniture consisted of a wooden altar at the farther end1 on which was a large crucifix1 and round it several indifferent chairs1 of the same materials4 ,in this hall of audience were assembled four or five ill-looking banditti1 my comrades in instruction1 who would rather have been taken for trusty servants of the devil than candidates for the kingdom of heaven4 ,two of these fellows were ,sclavonians1 but gave out they were ,african ,jews1 and 7as they assured me7 had run through ,spain and ,italy1 embracing the ,christian faith1 and being baptised wherever they thought it worth their labor4 ,soon after they opened another iron gate1 which divided a large balcony that overlooked a court yard1 and by this avenue entered our sister catechumens1 who1 like me1 were going to be regenerated1 not by baptism but a solemn abjuration4 ,a viler set of idle1 dirty1 abandoned harlots1 never disgraced any persuasion2 one among them1 however1 appeared pretty and interesting2 she might be about my own age1 perhaps a year or two older1 and had a pair of roguish eyes1 which frequently encountered mine2 this was enough to inspire me with the desire of becoming acquainted with her1 but she had been so strongly recommended to the care of the old governess of this respectable sisterhood1 and was so narrowly watched by the pious missionary1 who labored for her conversion with more zeal than diligence1 that during the two months we remained together in this house 7where she had already been three7 ,i found it absolutely impossible to exchange a word with her4 ,she must have been extremely stupid1 though she had not the appearance of it1 for never was a longer course of instruction2 the holy man could never bring her to a state of mind fit for abjuration2 meantime she became weary of her cloister1 declaring that1 ,christian or not1 she would stay there no longer2 and they were obliged to take her at her word1 lest she should grow refractory1 and insist on departing as great a sinner as she came4 ,this hopeful community were assembled in honor of the new-comer2 when our guides made us a short exhortation3 ,i was conjured to be obedient to the grace that ,heaven had bestowed on me2 the rest were admonished to assist me with their prayers1 and give me edification by their good example4 ,our virgins then retired to another apartment1 and ,i was left to contemplate1 at leisure1 that wherein ,i found myself4 ,the next morning we were again assembled for instruction3 ,i now began to reflect1 for the first time1 on the step ,i was about to take1 and the circumstances which had led me to it4 ,i repeat1 and shall perhaps repeat again1 an assertion ,i have already advanced1 and of whose truth ,i every day receive fresh conviction1 which is1 that if ever child received a reasonable and virtuous education1 it was myself4 ,born in a family of unexceptionable morals1 every lesson ,i received was replete with maxims of prudence and virtue4 ,my father 7though fond of gallantry7 not only possessed distinguished probity1 but much religion2 in the world he appeared a man of pleasure1 in his family he was a ,christian1 and implanted early in my mind those sentiments he felt the force of4 ,my three aunts were women of virtue and piety2 the two eldest were professed devotees1 and the third1 who united all the graces of wit and good sense1 was1 perhaps1 more truly religious than either1 though with less ostentation4 ,from the bosom of this amiable family ,i was transplanted to ,m4 ,lambercier's1 a man dedicated to the ministry1 who believed the doctrine he taught1 and acted up to its precepts4 ,he and his sister matured by their instructions those principles of judicious piety ,i had already imbibed1 and the means employed by these worthy people were so well adapted to the effect they meant to produce1 that so far from being fatigued1 ,i scarce ever listened to their admonitions without finding myself sensibly affected1 and forming resolutions to live virtuously1 from which1 except in moments of forgetfulness1 ,i seldom swerved4 ,at my uncle's1 religion was far more tiresome1 because they made it an employment2 with my master ,i thought no more of it1 though my sentiments continued the same3 ,i had no companions to vitiate my morals3 ,i became idle1 careless1 and obstinate1 but my principles were not impaired4 ,i possessed as much religion1 therefore1 as a child could be supposed capable of acquiring4 ,why should ,i now disguise my thoughts8 ,i am persuaded ,i had more4 ,in my childhood1 ,i was not a child2 ,i felt1 ,i thought as a man3 as ,i advanced in years1 ,i mingled with the ordinary class2 in my infancy ,i was distinguished from it4 ,i shall doubtless incur ridicule by thus modestly holding myself up for a prodigy--,i am content4 ,let those who find themselves disposed to it1 laugh their fill2 afterward1 let them find a child that at six years old is delighted1 interested1 affected with romances1 even to the shedding floods of tears2 ,i shall then feel my ridiculous vanity1 and acknowledge myself in an error4 ,thus when ,i said we should not converse with children on religion1 if we wished them ever to possess any2 when ,i asserted they were incapable of communion with the ,supreme ,being1 even in our confined degree1 ,i drew my conclusions from general observation2 ,i knew they were not applicable to particular instances3 find ,j4 ,j4 ,rousseau of six years old1 converse with them on religious subjects at seven1 and ,i will be answerable that the experiment will be attended with no danger4 ,it is understood1 ,i believe1 that a child1 or even a man1 is likely to be most sincere while persevering in that religion in whose belief he was born and educated2 we frequently detract from1 seldom make any additions to it3 dogmatical faith is the effect of education4 ,in addition to this general principle which attached me to the religion of my forefathers1 ,i had that particular aversion our city entertains for ,catholicism1 which is represented there as the most monstrous idolatry1 and whose clergy are painted in the blackest colors4 ,this sentiment was so firmly imprinted on my mind1 that ,i never dared to look into their churches--,i could not bear to meet a priest in his surplice1 and never did ,i hear the bells of a procession sound without shuddering with horror2 these sensations soon wore off in great cities1 but frequently returned in country parishes1 which bore more similarity to the spot where ,i first experienced them2 meantime this dislike was singularly contrasted by the remembrance of those caresses which priests in the neighborhood of ,geneva are fond of bestowing on the children of that city4 ,if the bells of the viaticum alarmed me1 the chiming for mass or vespers called me to a breakfast1 a collation1 to the pleasure of regaling on fresh butter1 fruits1 or milk2 the good cheer of ,m4 de ,pontverre had produced a considerable effect on me2 my former abhorrence began to diminish1 and looking on popery through the medium of amusement and good living1 ,i easily reconciled myself to the idea of enduring1 though ,i never entertained but a very transient and distant idea of making a solemn profession of it4 ,at this moment such a transaction appeared in all its horrors2 ,i shuddered at the engagement ,i had entered into1 and its inevitable consequences4 ,the future neophytes with which ,i was surrounded were not calculated to sustain my courage by their example1 and ,i could not help considering the holy work ,i was about to perform as the action of a villain4 ,though young1 ,i was sufficiently convinced1 that whatever religion might be the true one1 ,i was about to sell mine2 and even should ,i chance to chose the best1 ,i lied to the ,holy ,ghost1 and merited the disdain of every good man4 ,the more ,i considered1 the more ,i despised myself1 and trembled at the fate which had led me into such a predicament1 as if my present situation had not been of my own seeking4 ,there were moments when these compunctions were so strong that had ,i found the door open but for an instant1 ,i should certainly have made my escape2 but this was impossible1 nor was the resolution of any long duration1 being combated by too many secret motives to stand any chance of gaining the victory4 ,my fixed determination not to return to ,geneva1 the shame that would attend it1 the difficulty of repassing the mountains1 at a distance from my country1 without friends1 and without resources1 everything concurred to make me consider my remorse of conscience1 as a too late repentance4 ,i affected to reproach myself for what ,i had done1 to seek excuses for that ,i intended to do1 and by aggravating the errors of the past1 looked on the future as an inevitable consequence4 ,i did not say1 nothing is yet done1 and you may be innocent if you please2 but ,i said1 tremble at the crime thou hast committed1 which hath reduced thee to the necessity of filling up the measure of thine iniquities4 ,it required more resolution than was natural to my age to revoke those expectations which ,i had given them reason to entertain1 break those chains with which ,i was enthralled1 and resolutely declare ,i would continue in the religion of my forefathers1 whatever might be the consequence4 ,the affair was already too far advanced1 and spite of all my efforts they would have made a point of bringing it to a conclusion4 ,the sophism which ruined me has had a similar affect on the greater part of mankind1 who lament the want of resolution when the opportunity for exercising it is over4 ,the practice of virtue is only difficult from our own negligence2 were we always discreet1 we should seldom have occasion for any painful exertion of it2 we are captivated by desires we might readily surmount1 give into temptations that might easily be resisted1 and insensibly get into embarrassing1 perilous situations1 from which we cannot extricate ourselves but with the utmost difficulty2 intimidated by the effort1 we fall into the abyss1 saying to the ,almighty1 why hast thou made us such weak creatures8 ,but1 notwithstanding our vain pretexts1 ,he replies1 by our consciences1 ,i formed ye too weak to get out of the gulf1 because ,i gave ye sufficient strength not to have fallen into it4 ,i was not absolutely resolved to become a ,catholic1 but1 as it was not necessary to declare my intentions immediately1 ,i gradually accustomed myself to the idea2 hoping1 meantime1 that some unforeseen event would extricate me from my embarrassment4 ,in order to gain time1 ,i resolved to make the best defence ,i possibly could in favor of my own opinion2 but my vanity soon rendered this resolution unnecessary1 for on finding ,i frequently embarrassed those who had the care of my instruction1 ,i wished to heighten my triumph by giving them a complete overthrow4 ,i zealously pursued my plan1 not without the ridiculous hope of being able to convert my convertors2 for ,i was simple enough to believe1 that could ,i convince them of their errors1 they would become ,protestants2 they did not find1 therefore1 that facility in the work which they had expected1 as ,i differed both in regard to will and knowledge from the opinion they had entertained of me4 ,protestants1 in general1 are better instructed in the principles of their religion than ,catholics2 the reason is obvious2 the doctrine of the former requires discussion1 of the latter a blind submission2 the ,catholic must content himself with the decisions of others1 the ,protestant must learn to decide for himself2 they were not ignorant of this1 but neither my age nor appearance promised much difficulty to men so accustomed to disputation4 ,they knew1 likewise1 that ,i had not received my first communion1 nor the instructions which accompany it2 but1 on the other hand1 they had no idea of the information ,i received at ,m4 ,lambercier's1 or that ,i had learned the history of the church and empire almost by heart at my father's2 and though1 since that time1 nearly forgot1 when warmed by the dispute 7very unfortunately for these gentlemen71 it again returned to my memory4 ,a little old priest1 but tolerably venerable1 held the first conference2 at which we were all convened4 ,on the part of my comrades1 it was rather a catechism than a controversy1 and he found more pains in giving them instruction than answering their objections2 but when it came to my turn1 it was a different matter2 ,i stopped him at every article1 and did not spare a single remark that ,i thought would create a difficulty3 this rendered the conference long and extremely tiresome to the assistants4 ,my old priest talked a great deal1 was very warm1 frequently rambled from the subject1 and extricated himself from difficulties by saying he was not sufficiently versed in the ,french language4 ,the next day1 lest my indiscreet objections should injure the minds of those who were better disposed1 ,i was led into a separate chamber and put under the care of a younger priest1 a fine speaker2 that is1 one who was fond of long perplexed sentences1 and proud of his own abilities1 if ever doctor was4 ,i did not1 however1 suffer myself to be intimidated by his overbearing looks3 and being sensible that ,i could maintain my ground1 ,i combated his assertions1 exposed his mistakes1 and laid about me in the best manner ,i was able4 ,he thought to silence me at once with ,st4 ,augustine1 ,st4 ,gregory1 and the rest of the fathers1 but found1 to his ineffable surprise1 that ,i could handle these almost as dexterously as himself2 not that ,i had ever read them1 or he either1 perhaps1 but ,i retained a number of passages taken from my ,le ,sueur1 and when he bore hard on me with one citation1 without standing to dispute1 ,i parried it with another1 which method embarrassed him extremely4 ,at length1 however1 he got the better of me for two very potent reasons2 in the first place1 he was of the strongest side2 young as ,i was1 ,i thought it might be dangerous to drive him to extremities1 for ,i plainly saw the old priest was neither satisfied with me nor my erudition4 ,in the next place1 he had studied1 ,i had not2 this gave a degree of method to his arguments which ,i could not follow2 and whenever he found himself pressed by an unforeseen objection he put it off to the next conference1 pretending ,i rambled from the question in dispute4 ,sometimes he even rejected all my quotations1 maintaining they were false1 and1 offering to fetch the book1 defied me to find them4 ,he knew he ran very little risk1 and that1 with all my borrowed learning1 ,i was not sufficiently accustomed to books1 and too poor a ,latinist to find a passage in a large volume1 had ,i been ever so well assured it was there4 ,i even suspected him of having been guilty of a perfidy with which he accused our ministers1 and that he fabricated passages sometimes in order to evade an objection that incommoded him4 ,meanwhile the hospital became every day more disagreeable to me1 and seeing but one way to get out of it1 ,i endeavored to hasten my abjuration with as much eagerness as ,i had hitherto sought to retard it4 ,the two ,africans had been baptised with great ceremony1 they were habited in white from head to foot to signify the purity of their regenerated souls4 ,my turn came a month after2 for all this time was thought necessary by my directors1 that they might have the honor of a difficult conversion1 and every dogma of their faith was recapitulated1 in order to triumph the more completely over my new docility4 ,at length1 sufficiently instructed and disposed to the will of my masters1 ,i was led in procession to the metropolitan church of ,st4 ,john1 to make a solemn abjuration1 and undergo a ceremony made use of on these occasions1 which1 though not baptism1 is very similar1 and serves to persuade the people that ,protestants are not ,christians4 ,i was clothed in a kind of gray robe1 decorated with white ,brandenburgs4 ,two men1 one behind1 the other before me1 carried copper basins which they kept striking with a key1 and in which those who were charitably disposed put their alms1 according as they found themselves influenced by religion or good will for the new convert2 in a word1 nothing of ,catholic pageantry was omitted that could render the solemnity edifying to the populace1 or humiliating to me4 ,the white dress might have been serviceable1 but as ,i had not the honor to be either ,moor or ,jew1 they did not think fit to compliment me with it4 ,the affair did not end here1 ,i must now go to the ,inquisition to be absolved from the dreadful sin of heresy1 and return to the bosom of the church with the same ceremony to which ,henry the ,fourth was subjected by his ambassador4 ,the air and manner of the right reverend ,father ,inquisitor was by no means calculated to dissipate the secret horror that seized my spirits on entering this holy mansion4 ,after several questions relative to my faith1 situation1 and family1 he asked me bluntly if my mother was damned8 ,terror repressed the first gust of indignation2 this gave me time to recollect myself1 and ,i answered1 ,i hope not1 for ,god might have enlightened her last moments4 ,the monk made no reply1 but his silence was attended with a look by no means expressive of approbation4 ,all these ceremonies ended1 the very moment ,i flattered myself ,i should be plentifully provided for1 they exhorted me to continue a good ,christian1 and live in obedience to the grace ,i had received2 then wishing me good fortune1 with rather more than twenty francs of small money in my pocket1 the produce of the above-mentioned collection1 turned me out1 shut the door on me1 and ,i saw no more of them6 ,thus1 in a moment1 all my flattering expectations were at an end2 and nothing remained from my interested conversion but the remembrance of having been made both a dupe and an apostate4 ,it is easy to imagine what a sudden revolution was produced in my ideas1 when every brilliant expectation of making a fortune terminated by seeing myself plunged in the completest misery4 ,in the morning ,i was deliberating what palace ,i should inhabit1 before night ,i was reduced to seek my lodging in the street4 ,it may be supposed that ,i gave myself up to the most violent transports of despair1 rendered more bitter by a consciousness that my own folly had reduced me to these extremities2 but the truth is1 ,i experienced none of these disagreeable sensations4 ,i had passed two months in absolute confinement2 this was new to me2 ,i was now emancipated1 and the sentiment ,i felt most forcibly1 was joy at my recovered liberty4 ,after a slavery which had appeared tedious1 ,i was again master of my time and actions1 in a great city1 abundant in resources1 crowded with people of fortune1 to whom my merit and talents could not fail to recommend me4 ,i had sufficient time before me to expect this good fortune1 for my twenty livres seemed an inexhaustible treasure1 which ,i might dispose of without rendering an account of to anyone4 ,it was the first time ,i had found myself so rich1 and far from giving way to melancholy reflections1 ,i only adopted other hopes1 in which self-love was by no means a loser4 ,never did ,i feel so great a degree of confidence and security2 ,i looked on my fortune as already made and was pleased to think ,i should have no one but myself to thank for the acquisition of it4 ,the first thing ,i did was to satisfy my curiosity by rambling all over the city1 and ,i seemed to consider it as a confirmation of my liberty2 ,i went to see the soldiers mount guard1 and was delighted with their military accouterment2 ,i followed processions1 and was pleased with the solemn music of the priests2 ,i next went to see the king's palace1 which ,i approached with awe1 but seeing others enter1 ,i followed their example1 and no one prevented me2 perhaps ,i owed this favor to the small parcel ,i carried under my arm2 be that as it may1 ,i conceived a high opinion of my consequence from this circumstance1 and already thought myself an inhabitant there4 ,the weather was hot2 ,i had walked about till ,i was both fatigued and hungry2 wishing for some refreshment1 ,i went into a milk-house2 they brought me some cream-cheese curds and whey1 and two slices of that excellent ,piedmont bread1 which ,i prefer to any other2 and for five or six sous ,i had one of the most delicious meals ,i ever recollect to have made4 ,it was time to seek a lodging3 as ,i already knew enough of the ,piedmontese language to make myself understood1 this was a work of no great difficulty2 and ,i had so much prudence1 that ,i wished to adapt it rather to the state of my purse than the bent of my inclinations4 ,in the course of my inquiries1 ,i was informed that a soldier's wife1 in ,po-street1 furnished lodgings to servants out of place at only one sou a night1 and finding one of her poor beds disengaged1 ,i took possession of it4 ,she was young and newly married1 though she already had five or six children4 ,mother1 children and lodgers1 all slept in the same chamber1 and it continued thus while ,i remained there4 ,she was good-natured1 swore like a carman1 and wore neither cap nor handkerchief2 but she had a gentle heart1 was officious2 and to me both kind and serviceable4 ,for several days ,i gave myself up to the pleasures of independence and curiosity2 ,i continued wandering about the city and its environs1 examining every object that seemed curious or new2 and1 indeed1 most things had that appearance to a young novice4 ,i never omitted visiting the court1 and assisted regularly every morning at the king's mass4 ,i thought it a great honor to be in the same chapel with this prince and his retinue2 but my passion for music1 which now began to make its appearance1 was a greater incentive than the splendor of the court1 which1 soon seen and always the same1 presently lost its attraction4 ,the ,king of ,sardinia had at that time the best music in ,europe2 ,somis1 ,desjardins1 and the ,bezuzzi shone there alternately2 all these were not necessary to fascinate a youth whom the sound of the most simple instrument1 provided it was just1 transported with joy4 ,magnificence only produced a stupid admiration1 without any violent desire to partake of it1 my thoughts were principally employed in observing whether any young princess was present that merited my homage1 and whom ,i could make the heroine of a romance4 ,meantime1 ,i was on the point of beginning one2 in a less elevated sphere1 it is true1 but where could ,i have brought it to a conclusion1 ,i should have found pleasures a thousand times more delicious4 ,though ,i lived with the strictest economy1 my purse insensibly grew lighter4 ,this economy was1 however1 less the effect of prudence than that love of simplicity1 which1 even to this day1 the use of the most expensive tables has not been able to vitiate4 ,nothing in my idea1 either at that time or since1 could exceed a rustic repast2 give me milk1 vegetables1 eggs1 and brown bread1 with tolerable wine and ,i shall always think myself sumptuously regaled2 a good appetite will furnish out the rest1 if the maitre d' hotel1 with a number of unnecessary footmen1 do not satiate me with their important attentions4 ,five or six sous would then procure me a more agreeable meal than as many livres would have done since2 ,i was abstemious1 therefore1 for want of a temptation to be otherwise3 though ,i do not know but ,i am wrong to call this abstinence1 for with my pears1 new cheese1 bread and some glasses of ,montferrat wine1 which you might have cut with a knife1 ,i was the greatest of epicures4 ,notwithstanding my expenses were very moderate1 it was possible to see the end of twenty livres2 ,i was every day more convinced of this1 and1 spite of the giddiness of youth1 my apprehensions for the future amounted almost to terror4 ,all my castles in the air were vanished1 and ,i became sensible of the necessity of seeking some occupation that would procure me a subsistence4 ,even this was a work of difficulty2 ,i thought of my engraving1 but knew too little of it to be employed as a journeyman1 nor do masters abound in ,turin2 ,i resolved1 therefore1 till something better presented itself1 to go from shop to shop1 offering to engrave ciphers1 or coats of arms1 on pieces of plate1 etc41 and hoped to get employment by working at a low price2 or taking what they chose to give me4 ,even this expedient did not answer my expectations2 almost all my applications were ineffectual1 the little ,i procured being hardly sufficient to produce a few scanty meals4 ,walking one morning pretty early in the ',contra nova'1 ,i saw a young tradeswoman behind a counter1 whose looks were so charmingly attractive1 that1 notwithstanding my timidity with the ladies1 ,i entered the shop without hesitation1 offered my services as usual3 and had the happiness to have it accepted4 ,she made me sit down and recite my little history1 pitied my forlorn situation2 bade me be cheerful1 and endeavored to make me so by an assurance that every good ,christian would give me assistance2 then 7while she had occasion for7 she went up stairs and fetched me something for breakfast4 ,this seemed a promising beginning1 nor was what followed less flattering3 she was satisfied with my work1 and1 when ,i had a little recovered myself1 still more with my discourse4 ,she was rather elegantly dressed and notwithstanding her gentle looks this appearance of gayety had disconcerted me2 but her good-nature1 the compassionate tone of her voice1 with her gentle and caressing manner1 soon set me at ease with myself2 ,i saw my endeavors to please were crowned with success1 and this assurance made me succeed the more4 ,though an ,italian1 and too pretty to be entirely devoid of coquetry1 she had so much modesty1 and ,i so great a share of timidity1 that our adventure was not likely to be brought to a very speedy conclusion1 nor did they give us time to make any good of it4 ,i cannot recall the few short moments ,i passed with this lovely woman without being sensible of an inexpressible charm1 and can yet say1 it was there ,i tasted in their utmost perfection the most delightful1 as well as the purest pleasures of love4 ,she was a lively pleasing brunette1 and the good nature that was painted on her lovely face rendered her vivacity more interesting4 ,she was called ,madam ,basile3 her husband1 who was considerably older than herself1 consigned her1 during his absence1 to the care of a clerk1 too disagreeable to be thought dangerous2 but who1 notwithstanding1 had pretensions that he seldom showed any signs of1 except of ill-humors1 a good share of which he bestowed on me2 though ,i was pleased to hear him play the flute1 on which he was a tolerable musician4 ,this second ,egistus was sure to grumble whenever he saw me go into his mistress' apartment1 treating me with a degree of disdain which she took care to repay him with interest2 seeming pleased to caress me in his presence1 on purpose to torment him4 ,this kind of revenge1 though perfectly to my taste1 would have been still more charming in a 'tete a tete'1 but she did not proceed so far2 at least1 there was a difference in the expression of her kindness4 ,whether she thought me too young1 that it was my place to make advances1 or that she was seriously resolved to be virtuous1 she had at such times a kind of reserve1 which1 though not absolutely discouraging1 kept my passion within bounds4 ,i did not feel the same real and tender respect for her as ,i did for ,madam de ,warens3 ,i was embarrassed1 agitated1 feared to look1 and hardly dared to breathe in her presence1 yet to have left her would have been worse than death3 ,how fondly did my eyes devour whatever they could gaze on without being perceived6 the flowers on her gown1 the point of her pretty foot1 the interval of a round white arm that appeared between her glove and ruffle1 the least part of her neck1 each object increased the force of all the rest1 and added to the infatuation4 ,gazing thus on what was to be seen1 and even more than was to be seen1 my sight became confused1 my chest seemed contracted1 respiration was every moment more painful4 ,i had the utmost difficulty to hide my agitation1 to prevent my sighs from being heard1 and this difficulty was increased by the silence in which we were frequently plunged4 ,happily1 ,madam ,basile1 busy at her work1 saw nothing of all this1 or seemed not to see it3 yet ,i sometimes observed a kind of sympathy1 especially at the frequent rising of her handkerchief1 and this dangerous sight almost mastered every effort1 but when on the point of giving way to my transports1 she spoke a few words to me with an air of tranquility1 and in an instant the agitation subsided4 ,i saw her several times in this manner without a word1 a gesture1 or even a look1 too expressive1 making the least intelligence between us4 ,the situation was both my torment and delight1 for hardly in the simplicity of my heart1 could ,i imagine the cause of my uneasiness4 ,i should suppose these 'tete a tete' could not be displeasing to her1 at least1 she sought frequent occasions to renew them2 this was a very disinterested labor1 certainly1 as appeared by the use she made1 or ever suffered me to make of them4 ,being1 one day1 wearied with the clerk's discourse1 she had retired to her chamber2 ,i made haste to finish what ,i had to do in the back shop1 and followed her2 the door was half open1 and ,i entered without being perceived4 ,she was embroidering near a window on the opposite side of the room2 she could not see me2 and the carts in the streets made too much noise for me to be heard4 ,she was always well dressed1 but this day her attire bordered on coquetry4 ,her attitude was graceful1 her head leaning gently forward1 discovered a small circle of her neck2 her hair1 elegantly dressed1 was ornamented with flowers2 her figure was universally charming1 and ,i had an uninterrupted opportunity to admire it4 ,i was absolutely in a state of ecstasy1 and1 involuntary1 sinking on my knees1 ,i passionately extended my arms towards her1 certain she could not hear1 and having no conception that she could see me2 but there was a chimney glass at the end of the room that betrayed all my proceedings4 ,i am ignorant what effect this transport produced on her2 she did not speak2 she did not look on me2 but1 partly turning her head1 with the movement of her finger only1 she pointed to the mat that was at her feet--,to start up1 with an articulate cry of joy1 and occupy the place she had indicated1 was the work of a moment2 but it will hardly be believed ,i dared attempt no more1 not even to speak1 raise my eyes to hers1 or rest an instant on her knees1 though in an attitude which seemed to render such a support necessary4 ,i was dumb1 immovable1 but far enough from a state of tranquility2 agitation1 joy1 gratitude1 ardent indefinite wishes1 restrained by the fear of giving displeasure1 which my unpractised heart too much dreaded1 were sufficiently discernible4 ,she neither appeared more tranquil1 nor less intimidated than myself--uneasy at my present situation2 confounded at having brought me there1 beginning to tremble for the effects of a sign which she had made without reflecting on the consequences1 neither giving encouragement1 nor expressing disapprobation1 with her eyes fixed on her work1 she endeavored to appear unconscious of everything that passed2 but all my stupidity could not hinder me from concluding that she partook of my embarrassment1 perhaps1 my transports1 and was only hindered by a bashfulness like mine1 without even that supposition giving me power to surmount it4 ,five or six years older than myself1 every advance1 according to my idea1 should have been made by her1 and1 since she did nothing to encourage mine1 ,i concluded they would offend her4 ,even at this time1 ,i am inclined to believe ,i thought right2 she certainly had wit enough to perceive that a novice like me had occasion1 not only for encouragement but instruction4 ,i am ignorant how this animated1 though dumb scene would have ended1 or how long ,i should have continued immovable in this ridiculous1 though delicious1 situation1 had we not been interrupted--in the height of my agitation1 ,i heard the kitchen door open1 which joined ,madam ,basile's chamber2 who1 being alarmed1 said1 with a quick voice and action1 ,get up6 ,here's ,rosina6 ,rising hastily ,i seized one of her hands1 which she held out to me1 and gave it two eager kisses2 at the second ,i felt this charming hand press gently on my lips4 ,never in my life did ,i enjoy so sweet a moment2 but the occasion ,i had lost returned no more1 this being the conclusion of our amours4 ,this may be the reason why her image yet remains imprinted on my heart in such charming colors1 which have even acquired fresh lustre since ,i became acquainted with the world and women4 ,had she been mistress of the least degree of experience1 she would have taken other measures to animate so youthful a lover2 but if her heart was weak1 it was virtuous2 and only suffered itself to be borne away by a powerful though involuntary inclination4 ,this was1 apparently1 her first infidelity1 and ,i should1 perhaps1 have found more difficulty in vanquishing her scruples than my own2 but1 without proceeding so far1 ,i experienced in her company the most inexpressible delights4 ,never did ,i taste with any other woman pleasures equal to those two minutes which ,i passed at the feet of ,madam ,basile without even daring to touch her gown4 ,i am convinced no satisfaction can be compared to that we feel with a virtuous woman we esteem2 all is transport6--,a sign with the finger1 a hand lightly pressed against my lips1 were the only favors ,i ever received from ,madam ,basile1 yet the bare remembrance of these trifling condescensions continues to transport me4 ,it was in vain ,i watched the two following days for another tete a tete2 it was impossible to find an opportunity2 nor could ,i perceive on her part any desire to forward it2 her behavior was not colder1 but more distant than usual1 and ,i believe she avoided my looks for fear of not being able sufficiently to govern her own4 ,the cursed clerk was more vexatious than ever2 he even became a wit1 telling me1 with a satirical sneer1 that ,i should unquestionably make my way among the ladies4 ,i trembled lest ,i should have been guilty of some indiscretion1 and looking at myself as already engaged in an intrigue1 endeavored to cover with an air of mystery an inclination which hitherto certainly had no great need of it2 this made me more circumspect in my choice of opportunities1 and by resolving only to seize such as should be absolutely free from the danger of a surprise1 ,i met none4 ,another romantic folly1 which ,i could never overcome1 and which1 joined to my natural timidity1 tended directly to contradict the clerk's predictions1 is1 ,i always loved too sincerely1 too perfectly1 ,i may say1 to find happiness easily attainable4 ,never were passions at the same time more lively and pure than mine2 never was love more tender1 more true1 or more disinterested2 freely would ,i have sacrificed my own happiness to that of the object of my affection2 her reputation was dearer than my life1 and ,i could promise myself no happiness for which ,i would have exposed her peace of mind for a moment4 ,this disposition has ever made me employ so much care1 use so many precautions1 such secrecy in my adventures1 that all of them have failed2 in a word1 my want of success with the women has ever proceeded from having loved them too well4 ,to return to our ,egistus1 the fluter2 it was remarkable that in becoming more insupportable1 the traitor put on the appearance of complaisance4 ,from the first day ,madam ,basile had taken me under her protection1 she had endeavored to make me serviceable in the warehouse2 and finding ,i understood arithmetic tolerably well1 she proposed his teaching me to keep the books2 a proposition that was but indifferently received by this humorist1 who might1 perhaps1 be fearful of being supplanted4 ,as this failed1 my whole employ1 besides what engraving ,i had to do1 was to transcribe some bills and accounts1 to write several books over fair1 and translate commercial letters from ,italian into ,french4 ,all at once he thought fit to accept the before rejected proposal1 saying1 he would teach me bookkeeping by double-entry1 and put me in a situation to offer my services to ,m4 ,basile on his return2 but there was something so false1 malicious1 and ironical1 in his air and manner1 that it was by no means calculated to inspire me with confidence4 ,madam ,basile1 replied archly1 that ,i was much obliged to him for his kind offer1 but she hoped fortune would be more favorable to my merits1 for it would be a great misfortune1 with so much sense1 that ,i should only be a pitiful clerk4 ,she often said1 she would procure me some acquaintance that might be useful2 she doubtless felt the necessity of parting with me1 and had prudently resolved on it4 ,our mute declaration had been made on ,thursday1 the ,sunday following she gave a dinner4 ,a ,jacobin of good appearance was among the guests1 to whom she did me the honor to present me4 ,the monk treated me very affectionately1 congratulated me on my late conversion1 mentioned several particulars of my story1 which plainly showed he had been made acquainted with it1 then1 tapping me familiarly on the cheek1 bade me be good1 to keep up my spirits1 and come to see him at his convent1 where he should have more opportunity to talk with me4 ,i judged him to be a person of some consequence by the deference that was paid him2 and by the paternal tone he assumed with ,madam ,basile1 to be her confessor4 ,i likewise remember that his decent familiarity was attended with an appearance of esteem1 and even respect for his fair penitent1 which then made less impression on me than at present4 ,had ,i possessed more experience how should ,i have congratulated myself on having touched the heart of a young woman respected by her confessor6 ,the table not being large enough to accommodate all the company1 a small one was prepared1 where ,i had the satisfaction of dining with our agreeable clerk2 but ,i lost nothing with regard to attention and good cheer1 for several plates were sent to the side-table which were certainly not intended for him4 ,thus far all went well2 the ladies were in good spirits1 and the gentlemen very gallant1 while ,madam ,basile did the honors of the table with peculiar grace4 ,in the midst of the dinner we heard a chaise stop at the door1 and presently some one coming up stairs--it was ,m4 ,basile4 ,methinks ,i now see him entering1 in his scarlet coat with gold buttons-- from that day ,i have held the color in abhorrence4 ,m4 ,basile was a tall handsome man1 of good address3 he entered with a consequential look and an air of taking his family unawares1 though none but friends were present4 ,his wife ran to meet him1 threw her arms about his neck1 and gave him a thousand caresses1 which he received with the utmost indifference2 and without making any return saluted the company and took his place at table4 ,they were just beginning to speak of his journey1 when casting his eye on the small table he asked in a sharp tone1 what lad that was8 ,madam ,basile answered ingenuously4 ,he then inquired whether ,i lodged in the house2 and was answered in the negative4 ,why not8 replied he1 rudely1 since he stays here all day1 he might as well remain all night too4 ,the monk now interfered1 with a serious and true eulogium on ,madam ,basile3 in a few words he made mine also1 adding1 that so far from blaming1 he ought to further the pious charity of his wife1 since it was evident she had not passed the bounds of discretion4 ,the husband answered with an air of petulance1 which 7restrained by the presence of the monk7 he endeavored to stifle2 it was1 however1 sufficient to let me understand he had already received information of me1 and that our worthy clerk had rendered me an ill office4 ,we had hardly risen from table1 when the latter came in triumph from his employer1 to inform me1 ,i must leave the house that instant1 and never more during my life dare to set foot there4 ,he took care to aggravate this commission by everything that could render it cruel and insulting4 ,i departed without a word1 my heart overwhelmed with sorrow1 less for being obliged to quit this amiable woman1 than at the thought of leaving her to the brutality of such a husband4 ,he was certainly right to wish her faithful2 but though prudent and wellborn1 she was an ,italian1 that is to say1 tender and vindictive2 which made me think1 he was extremely imprudent in using means the most likely in the world to draw on himself the very evil he so much dreaded4 ,such was the success of my first adventure4 ,i walked several times up and down the street1 wishing to get a sight of what my heart incessantly regretted2 but ,i could only discover her husband1 or the vigilant clerk1 who1 perceiving me1 made a sign with the ell they used in the shop1 which was more expressive than alluring3 finding1 therefore1 that ,i was so completely watched1 my courage failed1 and ,i went no more4 ,i wished1 at least1 to find out the patron she had provided me1 but1 unfortunately1 ,i did not know his name4 ,i ranged several times round the convent1 endeavoring in vain to meet with him4 ,at length1 other events banished the delightful remembrance of ,madam ,basile2 and in a short time ,i so far forgot her1 that ,i remained as simple1 as much a novice as ever1 nor did my penchant for pretty women even receive any sensible augmentation4 ,her liberality had1 however1 increased my little wardrobe1 though she had done this with precaution and prudence1 regarding neatness more than decoration1 and to make me comfortable rather than brilliant4 ,the coat ,i had brought from ,geneva was yet wearable1 she only added a hat and some linen4 ,i had no ruffles1 nor would she give me any1 not but ,i felt a great inclination for them4 ,she was satisfied with having put it in my power to keep myself clean1 though a charge to do this was unnecessary while ,i was to appear before her4 ,a few days after this catastrophe2 my hostess1 who1 as ,i have already observed1 was very friendly1 with great satisfaction informed me she had heard of a situation1 and that a lady of rank desired to see me4 ,i immediately thought myself in the road to great adventures2 that being the point to which all my ideas tended3 this1 however1 did not prove so brilliant as ,i had conceived it4 ,i waited on the lady with the servant who had mentioned me3 she asked a number of questions1 and my answers not displeasing her1 ,i immediately entered into her service not1 indeed1 in the quality of favorite1 but as a footman4 ,i was clothed like the rest of her people1 the only difference being1 they wore a shoulder-knot1 which ,i had not1 and1 as there was no lace on her livery1 it appeared merely a tradesman's suit4 ,this was the unforeseen conclusion of all my great expectancies6 ,the ,countess of ,vercellis1 with whom ,i now lived1 was a widow without children2 her husband was a ,piedmontese1 but ,i always believed her to be a ,savoyard1 as ,i could have no conception that a native of ,piedmont could speak such good ,french1 and with so pure an accent4 ,she was a middle-aged woman1 of a noble appearance and cultivated understanding1 being fond of ,french literature1 in which she was well versed4 ,her letters had the expression1 and almost the elegance of ,madam de ,savigne's2 some of them might have been taken for hers4 ,my principal employ1 which was by no means displeasing to me1 was to write from her dictating2 a cancer in the breast1 from which she suffered extremely1 not permitting her to write herself4 ,madam de ,vercellis not only possessed a good understanding1 but a strong and elevated soul4 ,i was with her during her last illness1 and saw her suffer and die1 without showing an instant of weakness1 or the least effort of constraint2 still retaining her feminine manners1 without entertaining an idea that such fortitude gave her any claim to philosophy2 a word which was not yet in fashion1 nor comprehended by her in the sense it is held at present4 ,this strength of disposition sometimes extended almost to apathy1 ever appearing to feel as little for others as herself2 and when she relieved the unfortunate1 it was rather for the sake of acting right1 than from a principle of real commiseration4 ,i have frequently experienced this insensibility1 in some measure1 during the three months ,i remained with her4 ,it would have been natural to have had an esteem for a young man of some abilities1 who was incessantly under her observation1 and that she should think1 as she felt her dissolution approaching1 that after her death he would have occasion for assistance and support3 but whether she judged me unworthy of particular attention1 or that those who narrowly watched all her motions1 gave her no opportunity to think of any but themselves1 she did nothing for me4 ,i very well recollect that she showed some curiosity to know my story1 frequently questioning me1 and appearing pleased when ,i showed her the letters ,i wrote to ,madam de ,warens1 or explained my sentiments2 but as she never discovered her own1 she certainly did not take the right means to come at them4 ,my heart1 naturally communicative1 loved to display its feelings1 whenever ,i encountered a similar disposition2 but dry1 cold interrogatories1 without any sign of blame or approbation on my answers1 gave me no confidence4 ,not being able to determine whether my discourse was agreeable or displeasing1 ,i was ever in fear1 and thought less of expressing my ideas1 than of being careful not to say anything that might seem to my disadvantage4 ,i have since remarked that this dry method of questioning themselves into people's characters is a common trick among women who pride themselves on superior understanding4 ,these imagine1 that by concealing their own sentiments1 they shall the more easily penetrate into those of others2 being ignorant that this method destroys the confidence so necessary to make us reveal them4 ,a man1 on being questioned1 is immediately on his guard3 and if once he supposes that1 without any interest in his concerns1 you only wish to set him a-talking1 either he entertains you with lies1 is silent1 or1 examining every word before he utters it1 rather chooses to pass for a fool1 than to be the dupe of your curiosity4 ,in short1 it is ever a bad method to attempt to read the hearts of others by endeavoring to conceal our own4 ,madam de ,vercellis never addressed a word to me which seemed to express affection1 pity1 or benevolence4 ,she interrogated me coldly1 and my answers were uttered with so much timidity1 that she doubtless entertained but a mean opinion of my intellects1 for latterly she never asked me any questions1 nor said anything but what was absolutely necessary for her service4 ,she drew her judgment less from what ,i really was1 than from what she had made me1 and by considering me as a footman prevented my appearing otherwise4 ,i am inclined to think ,i suffered at that time by the same interested game of concealed manoeuvre1 which has counteracted me throughout my life1 and given me a very natural aversion for everything that has the least appearance of it4 ,madam de ,vercellis having no children1 her nephew1 the ,count de la ,roque1 was her heir1 and paid his court assiduously1 as did her principal domestics1 who1 seeing her end approaching1 endeavored to take care of themselves2 in short1 so many were busy about her1 that she could hardly have found time to think of me4 ,at the head of her household was a ,m4 ,lorenzy1 an artful genius1 with a still more artful wife2 who had so far insinuated herself into the good graces of her mistress1 that she was rather on the footing of a friend than a servant4 ,she had introduced a niece of hers as lady's maid3 her name was ,mademoiselle ,pontal2 a cunning gypsy1 that gave herself all the airs of a waiting-woman1 and assisted her aunt so well in besetting the countess1 that she only saw with their eyes1 and acted through their hands4 ,i had not the happiness to please this worthy triumvirate2 ,i obeyed1 but did not wait on them1 not conceiving that my duty to our general mistress required me to be a servant to her servants4 ,besides this1 ,i was a person that gave them some inquietude2 they saw ,i was not in my proper situation1 and feared the countess would discover it likewise1 and by placing me in it1 decrease their portions2 for such sort of people1 too greedy to be just1 look on every legacy given to others as a diminution of their own wealth2 they endeavored1 therefore1 to keep me as much out of her sight as possible4 ,she loved to write letters1 in her situation1 but they contrived to give her a distaste to it2 persuading her1 by the aid of the doctor1 that it was too fatiguing2 and1 under pretence that ,i did not understand how to wait on her1 they employed two great lubberly chairmen for that purpose2 in a word1 they managed the affair so well1 that for eight days before she made her will1 ,i had not been permitted to enter the chamber4 ,afterwards ,i went in as usual1 and was even more assiduous than any one1 being afflicted at the sufferings of the unhappy lady1 whom ,i truly respected and beloved for the calmness and fortitude with which she bore her illness1 and often did ,i shed tears of real sorrow without being perceived by any one4 ,at length we lost her--,i saw her expire4 ,she had lived like a woman of sense and virtue1 her death was that of a philosopher4 ,i can truly say1 she rendered the ,catholic religion amiable to me by the serenity with which she fulfilled its dictates1 without any mixture of negligence or affectation4 ,she was naturally serious1 but towards the end of her illness she possessed a kind of gayety1 too regular to be assumed1 which served as a counterpoise to the melancholy of her situation4 ,she only kept her bed two days1 continuing to discourse cheerfully with those about her to the very last4 ,she had bequeathed a year's wages to all the under servants1 but1 not being on the household list1 ,i had nothing3 the ,count de la ,roque1 however1 ordered me thirty livres1 and the new coat ,i had on1 which ,m4 ,lorenzy would certainly have taken from me4 ,he even promised to procure me a place2 giving me permission to wait on him as often as ,i pleased4 ,accordingly1 ,i went two or three times1 without being able to speak to him1 and as ,i was easily repulsed1 returned no more2 whether ,i did wrong will be seen hereafter4 ,would ,i had finished what ,i have to say of my living at ,madam de ,vercellis's4 ,though my situation apparently remained the same1 ,i did not leave her house as ,i had entered it3 ,i carried with me the long and painful remembrance of a crime2 an insupportable weight of remorse which yet hangs on my conscience1 and whose bitter recollection1 far from weakening1 during a period of forty years1 seems to gather strength as ,i grow old4 ,who would believe1 that a childish fault should be productive of such melancholy consequences8 ,but it is for the more than probable effects that my heart cannot be consoled4 ,i have1 perhaps1 caused an amiable1 honest1 estimable girl1 who surely merited a better fate than myself1 to perish with shame and misery4 ,though it is very difficult to break up housekeeping without confusion1 and the loss of some property2 yet such was the fidelity of the domestics1 and the vigilance of ,m4 and ,madam ,lorenzy1 that no article of the inventory was found wanting2 in short1 nothing was missing but a pink and silver ribbon1 which had been worn1 and belonged to ,mademoiselle ,pontal4 ,though several things of more value were in my reach1 this ribbon alone tempted me1 and accordingly ,i stole it4 ,as ,i took no great pains to conceal the bauble1 it was soon discovered2 they immediately insisted on knowing from whence ,i had taken it2 this perplexed me--,i hesitated1 and at length said1 with confusion1 that ,marion gave it me4 ,marion was a young ,mauriennese1 and had been cook to ,madam de ,vercellis ever since she left off giving entertainments1 for being sensible she had more need of good broths than fine ragouts1 she had discharged her former one4 ,marion was not only pretty1 but had that freshness of color only to be found among the mountains1 and1 above all1 an air of modesty and sweetness1 which made it impossible to see her without affection2 she was besides a good girl1 virtuous1 and of such strict fidelity1 that everyone was surprised at hearing her named4 ,they had not less confidence in me1 and judged it necessary to certify which of us was the thief4 ,marion was sent for2 a great number of people were present1 among whom was the ,count de la ,roque3 she arrives2 they show her the ribbon2 ,i accuse her boldly3 she remains confused and speechless1 casting a look on me that would have disarmed a demon1 but which my barbarous heart resisted4 ,at length1 she denied it with firmness1 but without anger1 exhorting me to return to myself1 and not injure an innocent girl who had never wronged me4 ,with infernal impudence1 ,i confirmed my accusation1 and to her face maintained she had given me the ribbon3 on which1 the poor girl1 bursting into tears1 said these words--,ah1 ,rousseau6 ,i thought you a good disposition--you render me very unhappy1 but ,i would not be in your situation4 ,she continued to defend herself with as much innocence as firmness1 but without uttering the least invective against me4 ,her moderation1 compared to my positive tone1 did her an injury2 as it did not appear natural to suppose1 on one side such diabolical assurance2 on the other1 such angelic mildness4 ,the affair could not be absolutely decided1 but the presumption was in my favor2 and the ,count de la ,roque1 in sending us both away1 contented himself with saying1 ,the conscience of the guilty would revenge the innocent4 ,his prediction was true1 and is being daily verified4 ,i am ignorant what became of the victim of my calumny1 but there is little probability of her having been able to place herself agreeably after this1 as she labored under an imputation cruel to her character in every respect4 ,the theft was a trifle1 yet it was a theft1 and1 what was worse1 employed to seduce a boy2 while the lie and obstinacy left nothing to hope from a person in whom so many vices were united4 ,i do not even look on the misery and disgrace in which ,i plunged her as the greatest evil3 who knows1 at her age1 whither contempt and disregarded innocence might have led her8--,alas6 if remorse for having made her unhappy is insupportable1 what must ,i have suffered at the thought of rendering her even worse than myself4 ,the cruel remembrance of this transaction1 sometimes so troubles and disorders me1 that1 in my disturbed slumbers1 ,i imagine ,i see this poor girl enter and reproach me with my crime1 as though ,i had committed it but yesterday4 ,while in easy tranquil circumstances1 ,i was less miserable on this account1 but1 during a troubled agitated life1 it has robbed me of the sweet consolation of persecuted innocence1 and made me wofully experience1 what1 ,i think1 ,i have remarked in some of my works1 that remorse sleeps in the calm sunshine of prosperity1 but wakes amid the storms of adversity4 ,i could never take on me to discharge my heart of this weight in the bosom of a friend2 nor could the closest intimacy ever encourage me to it1 even with ,madam de ,warens3 all ,i could do1 was to own ,i had to accuse myself of an atrocious crime1 but never said in what it consisted4 ,the weight1 therefore1 has remained heavy on my conscience to this day2 and ,i can truly own the desire of relieving myself1 in some measure1 from it1 contributed greatly to the resolution of writing my ,confessions4 ,i have proceeded truly in that ,i have just made1 and it will certainly be thought ,i have not sought to palliate the turpitude of my offence2 but ,i should not fulfill the purpose of this undertaking1 did ,i not1 at the same time1 divulge my interior disposition1 and excuse myself as far as is conformable with truth4 ,never was wickedness further from my thoughts1 than in that cruel moment2 and when ,i accused the unhappy girl1 it is strange1 but strictly true1 that my friendship for her was the immediate cause of it4 ,she was present to my thoughts2 ,i formed my excuse from the first object that presented itself3 ,i accused her with doing what ,i meant to have done1 and as ,i designed to have given her the ribbon1 asserted she had given it to me4 ,when she appeared1 my heart was agonized1 but the presence of so many people was more powerful than my compunction4 ,i did not fear punishment1 but ,i dreaded shame3 ,i dreaded it more than death1 more than the crime1 more than all the world4 ,i would have buried1 hid myself in the centre of the earth3 invincible shame bore down every other sentiment2 shame alone caused all my impudence1 and in proportion as ,i became criminal1 the fear of discovery rendered me intrepid4 ,i felt no dread but that of being detected1 of being publicly1 and to my face1 declared a thief1 liar1 and calumniator2 an unconquerable fear of this overcame every other sensation4 ,had ,i been left to myself1 ,i should infallibly have declared the truth4 ,or if ,m4 de la ,roque had taken me aside1 and said--,do not injure this poor girl2 if you are guilty own it1--,i am convinced ,i should instantly have thrown myself at his feet2 but they intimidated1 instead of encouraging me4 ,i was hardly out of my childhood1 or rather1 was yet in it4 ,it is also just to make some allowance for my age4 ,in youth1 dark1 premeditated villainy is more criminal than in a riper age1 but weaknesses are much less so2 my fault was truly nothing more2 and ,i am less afflicted at the deed itself than for its consequences4 ,it had one good effect1 however1 in preserving me through the rest of my life from any criminal action1 from the terrible impression that has remained from the only one ,i ever committed2 and ,i think my aversion for lying proceeds in a great measure from regret at having been guilty of so black a one4 ,if it is a crime that can be expiated1 as ,i dare believe1 forty years of uprightness and honor on various difficult occasions1 with the many misfortunes that have overwhelmed my latter years1 may have completed it4 ,poor ,marion has found so many avengers in this world1 that however great my offence towards her1 ,i do not fear to bear the guilt with me4 ,thus have ,i disclosed what ,i had to say on this painful subject2 may ,i be permitted never to mention it again4 ,,book ,,iii4 ,leaving the service of ,madam de ,vercellis nearly as ,i had entered it1 ,i returned to my former hostess1 and remained there five or six weeks2 during which time health1 youth1 and laziness1 frequently rendered my temperament importunate4 ,i was restless1 absent1 and thoughtful3 ,i wept and sighed for a happiness ,i had no idea of1 though at the same time highly sensible of some deficiency4 ,this situation is indescribable1 few men can even form any conception of it1 because1 in general1 they have prevented that plenitude of life1 at once tormenting and delicious4 ,my thoughts were incessantly occupied with girls and women1 but in a manner peculiar to myself3 these ideas kept my senses in a perpetual and disagreeable activity1 though1 fortunately1 they did not point out the means of deliverance4 ,i would have given my life to have met with a ,miss ,goton1 but the time was past in which the play of infancy predominated2 increase of years had introduced shame1 the inseparable companion of a conscious deviation from rectitude1 which so confirmed my natural timidity as to render it invincible2 and never1 either at that time or since1 could ,i prevail on myself to offer a proposition favorable to my wishes 7unless in a manner constrained to it by previous advances7 even with those whose scruples ,i had no cause to dread4 ,my stay at ,madam de ,vercellis's had procured me some acquaintance1 which ,i thought might be serviceable to me1 and therefore wished to retain4 ,among others1 ,i sometimes visited a ,savoyard abbe1 ,m4 ,gaime1 who was tutor to the ,count of ,melarede's children4 ,he was young1 and not much known1 but possessed an excellent cultivated understanding1 with great probity1 and was1 altogether1 one of the best men ,i ever knew4 ,he was incapable of doing me the service ,i then stood most in need of1 not having sufficient interest to procure me a situation1 but from him ,i reaped advantages far more precious1 which have been useful to me through life1 lessons of pure morality1 and maxims of sound judgment4 ,in the successive order of my inclinations and ideas1 ,i had ever been too high or too low4 ,achilles or ,thersites2 sometimes a hero1 at others a villain4 ,m4 ,gaime took pains to make me properly acquainted with myself1 without sparing or giving me too much discouragement4 ,he spoke in advantageous terms of my disposition and talents1 adding1 that he foresaw obstacles which would prevent my profiting by them2 thus1 according to him1 they were to serve less as steps by which ,i should mount to fortune1 than as resources which might enable me to exist without one4 ,he gave me a true picture of human life1 of which1 hitherto1 ,i had formed but a very erroneous idea1 teaching me1 that a man of understanding1 though destined to experience adverse fortune1 might1 by skilful management1 arrive at happiness2 that there was no true felicity without virtue1 which was practicable in every situation4 ,he greatly diminished my admiration of grandeur1 by proving that those in a superior situation are neither better nor happier than those they command4 ,one of his maxims has frequently returned to my memory3 it was1 that if we could truly read the hearts of others we should feel more inclination to descend than rise3 this reflection1 the truth of which is striking without extravagance1 ,i have found of great utility1 in the various exigences of my life1 as it tended to make me satisfied with my condition4 ,he gave me the first just conception of relative duties1 which my high-flown imagination had ever pictured in extremes1 making me sensible that the enthusiasm of sublime virtues is of little use in society2 that while endeavoring to rise too high we are in danger of falling2 and that a virtuous and uniform discharge of little duties requires as great a degree of fortitude as actions which are called heroic1 and would at the same time procure more honor and happiness4 ,that it was infinitely more desirable to possess the lasting esteem of those about us1 than at intervals to attract admiration4 ,in properly arranging the various duties between man and man1 it was necessary to ascend to principles2 the step ,i had recently taken1 and of which my present situation was the consequence1 naturally led us to speak of religion4 ,it will easily be conceived that the honest ,m4 ,gaime was1 in a great measure1 the original of the ,savoyard ,vicar2 prudence only obliging him to deliver his sentiments1 on certain points1 with more caution and reserve1 and explain himself with less freedom2 but his sentiments and councils were the same1 not even excepting his advice to return to my country2 all was precisely as ,i have since given it to the pubic4 ,dwelling no longer1 therefore1 on conversations which everyone may see the substance of1 ,i shall only add1 that these wise instructions 7though they did not produce an immediate effect7 were as so many seeds of virtue and religion in my heart which were never rooted out1 and only required the fostering cares of friendship to bring to maturity4 ,though my conversation was not very sincere1 ,i was affected by his discourses1 and far from being weary1 was pleased with them on account of their clearness and simplicity1 but above all because his heart seemed interested in what he said4 ,my disposition is naturally tender1 ,i have ever been less attached to people for the good they have really done me than for that they designed to do1 and my feelings in this particular have seldom misled me3 thus ,i truly esteemed ,m4 ,gaime4 ,i was in a manner his second disciple1 which even at that time was of inestimable service in turning me from a propensity to vice into which my idleness was leading me4 ,one day1 when ,i least expected it1 ,i was sent for by the ,count de la ,roque4 ,having frequently called at his house1 without being able to speak with him1 ,i grew weary1 and supposing he had either forgot me or retained some unfavorable impression of me1 returned no more3 but ,i was mistaken in both these conjectures4 ,he had more than once witnessed the pleasure ,i took in fulfilling my duty to his aunt3 he had even mentioned it to her1 and afterwards spoke of it1 when ,i no longer thought of it myself4 ,he received me graciously1 saying that instead of amusing me with useless promises1 he had sought to place me to advantage2 that he had succeeded1 and would put me in a way to better my situation1 but the rest must depend on myself4 ,that the family into which he should introduce me being both powerful and esteemed1 ,i should need no other patrons2 and though at first on the footing of a servant1 ,i might be assured1 that if my conduct and sentiments were found above that station1 ,i should not long remain in it4 ,the end of this discourse cruelly disappointed the brilliant hopes the beginning had inspired4 ,what6 forever a footman8 said ,i to myself1 with a bitterness which confidence presently effaced1 for ,i felt myself too superior to that situation to fear long remaining there4 ,he took me to the ,count de ,gauvon1 ,master of the ,horse to the ,queen1 and ,chief of the illustrious ,house of ,solar4 ,the air of dignity conspicuous in this respectable old man1 rendered the affability with which he received me yet more interesting4 ,he questioned me with evident interest1 and ,i replied with sincerity4 ,he then told the ,count de la ,roque1 that my features were agreeable1 and promised intellect1 which he believed ,i was not deficient in2 but that was not enough1 and time must show the rest2 after which1 turning to me1 he said1 ,child1 almost all situations are attended with difficulties in the beginning2 yours1 however1 shall not have too great a portion of them2 be prudent1 and endeavor to please everyone1 that will be almost your only employment2 for the rest fear nothing1 you shall be taken care of4 ,immediately after he went to the ,marchioness de ,breil1 his daughter-in-law1 to whom he presented me1 and then to the ,abbe de ,gauvon1 his son4 ,i was elated with this beginning1 as ,i knew enough of the world already to conclude1 that so much ceremony is not generally used at the reception of a footman4 ,in fact1 ,i was not treated like one4 ,i dined at the steward's table2 did not wear a livery2 and the ,count de ,favria 7a giddy youth7 having commanded me to get behind his coach1 his grandfather ordered that ,i should get behind no coach1 nor follow any one out of the house4 ,meantime1 ,i waited at table1 and did1 within doors1 the business of a footman2 but ,i did it1 as it were1 of my own free will1 without being appointed to any particular service2 and except writing some letters1 which were dictated to me1 and cutting out some ornaments for the ,count de ,favria1 ,i was almost the absolute master of my time4 ,this trial of my discretion1 which ,i did not then perceive1 was certainly very dangerous1 and not very humane2 for in this state of idleness ,i might have contracted vices which ,i should not otherwise have given into4 ,fortunately1 it did not produce that effect2 my memory retained the lessons of ,m4 ,gaime1 they had made an impression on my heart1 and ,i sometimes escaped from the house of my patron to obtain a repetition of them4 ,i believe those who saw me going out1 apparently by stealth1 had no conception of my business4 ,nothing could be more prudent than the advice he gave me respecting my conduct4 ,my beginning was admirable2 so much attention1 assiduity1 and zeal1 had charmed everyone4 ,the ,abby ,gaime advised me to moderate this first ardor1 lest ,i should relax1 and that relaxation should be considered as neglect4 ,your setting out1 said he1 is the rule of what will be expected of you2 endeavor gradually to increase your attentions1 but be cautious how you diminish them4 ,as they paid but little attention to my trifling talents1 and supposed ,i possessed no more than nature had given me1 there was no appearance 7notwithstanding the promises of ,count de ,gauvon7 of my meeting with any particular consideration4 ,some objects of more consequence had intervened4 ,the ,marquis de ,breil1 son of the ,count de ,gauvon1 was then ambassador at ,vienna2 some circumstances had occurred at that court which for some weeks kept the family in continual agitation1 and left them no time to think of me4 ,meantime ,i had relaxed but little in my attentions1 though one object in the family did me both good and harm1 making me more secure from exterior dissipation1 but less attentive to my duty4 ,mademoiselle de ,breil was about my own age1 tolerably handsome1 and very fair complexioned1 with black hair1 which notwithstanding1 gave her features that air of softness so natural to the flaxen1 and which my heart could never resist4 ,the court dress1 so favorable to youth1 showed her fine neck and shape to advantage1 and the mourning1 which was then worn1 seemed to add to her beauty4 ,it will be said1 a domestic should not take notice of these things2 ,i was certainly to blame1 yet ,i perceived all this1 nor was ,i the only one2 the maitre d' hotel and valet de chambre spoke of her sometimes at table with a vulgarity that pained me extremely4 ,my head1 however1 was not sufficiently turned to allow of my being entirely in love2 ,i did not forget myself1 or my situation4 ,i loved to see ,mademoiselle de ,breil2 to hear her utter anything that marked wit1 sense1 or good humor3 my ambition1 confined to a desire of waiting on her1 never exceeded its just rights4 ,at table ,i was ever attentive to make the most of them2 if her footman quitted her chair1 ,i instantly supplied his place2 in default of this1 ,i stood facing her1 seeking in her eyes what she was about to ask for1 and watching the moment to change her plate4 ,what would ,i not have given to hear her command1 to have her look at1 or speak the smallest word to me6 but no1 ,i had the mortification to be beneath her regard2 she did not even perceive ,i was there4 ,her brother1 who frequently spoke to me while at table1 having one day said something which ,i did not consider obliging1 ,i made him so arch and well-turned an answer1 that it drew her attention2 she cast her eyes upon me1 and this glance was sufficient to fill me with transport4 ,the next day1 a second occasion presented itself1 which ,i fortunately made use of4 ,a great dinner was given2 and ,i saw1 with astonishment1 for the first time1 the maitre d' hotel waiting at table1 with a sword by his side1 and hat on his head4 ,by chance1 the discourse turned on the motto of the house of ,solar1 which was1 with the arms1 worked in the tapestry3 ',tel fiert qui ne fue pas'4 ,as the ,piedmontese are not in general very perfect in the ,french language1 they found fault with the orthography1 saying1 that in the word fiert there should be no 't'4 ,the old ,count de ,gauvon was going to reply1 when happening to cast his eyes on me1 he perceived ,i smiled without daring to say anything2 he immediately ordered me to speak my opinion4 ,i then said1 ,i did not think the 't' superfluous1 'fiert' being an old ,french word1 not derived from the noun 'ferus'1 proud1 threatening2 but from the verb 'ferit'1 he strikes1 he wounds2 the motto1 therefore1 did not appear to mean1 some threat1 but1 ',some strike who do not kill'4 ,the whole company fixed their eyes on me1 then on each other1 without speaking a word2 never was a greater degree of astonishment2 but what most flattered me1 was an air of satisfaction which ,i perceived on the countenance of ,mademoiselle de ,breil4 ,this scornful lady deigned to cast on me a second look at least as valuable as the former1 and turning to her grandfather1 appeared to wait with impatience for the praise that was due to me1 and which he fully bestowed1 with such apparent satisfaction1 that it was eagerly chorused by the whole table4 ,this interval was short1 but delightful in many respects2 it was one of those moments so rarely met with1 which place things in their natural order1 and revenge depressed merit for the injuries of fortune4 ,some minutes after ,mademoiselle de ,breil again raised her eyes1 desiring me with a voice of timid affability to give her some drink4 ,it will easily be supposed ,i did not let her wait1 but advancing towards her1 ,i was seized with such a trembling1 that having filled the glass too full1 ,i spilled some of the water on her plate1 and even on herself4 ,her brother asked me1 giddily1 why ,i trembled thus8 ,this question increased my confusion1 while the face of ,mademoiselle de ,breil was suffused with a crimson blush4 ,here ended the romance2 where it may be remarked 7as with ,madam ,basile1 and others in the continuation of my life7 that ,i was not fortunate in the conclusion of my amours4 ,in vain ,i placed myself in the antechamber of ,madam de ,breil1 ,i could not obtain one mark of attention from her daughter2 she went in and out without looking at me1 nor had ,i the confidence to raise my eyes to her2 ,i was even so foolishly stupid1 that one day1 on dropping her glove as she passed1 instead of seizing and covering it with kisses1 as ,i would gladly have done1 ,i did not dare to quit my place1 but suffered it to be taken up by a great booby of a footman1 whom ,i could willingly have knocked down for his officiousness4 ,to complete my timidity1 ,i perceived ,i had not the good fortune to please ,madam de ,breil2 she not only never ordered1 but even rejected1 my services2 and having twice found me in her antechamber1 asked me1 dryly1 ,if ,i had nothing to do8 ,i was obliged1 therefore1 to renounce this dear antechamber2 at first it caused me some uneasiness1 but other things intervening1 ,i presently thought no more of it4 ,the disdain of ,madam de ,breil was fully compensated by the kindness of her father-in-law1 who at length began to think of me4 ,the evening after the entertainment1 ,i have already mentioned1 he had a conversation with me that lasted half an hour1 which appeared to satisfy him1 and absolutely enchanted me4 ,this good man had less sense than ,madam de ,vercellis1 but possessed more feeling2 ,i therefore succeeded much better with him4 ,he bade me attach myself to his son1 the ,abbe ,gauvon1 who had an esteem for me1 which1 if ,i took care to cultivate1 might be serviceable in furnishing me with what was necessary to complete their views for my future establishment4 ,the next morning ,i flew to ,m4 the ,abbe1 who did not receive me as a servant1 but made me sit by his fireside1 and questioned me with great affability4 ,he soon found that my education1 which had attempted many things1 had completed none2 but observing that ,i understood something of ,latin1 he undertook to teach me more1 and appointed me to attend him every morning4 ,thus1 by one of the whimsicalities which have marked the whole course of my life1 at once above and below my natural situation1 ,i was pupil and footman in the same house3 and though in servitude1 had a preceptor whose birth entitled him to supply that place only to the children of kings4 ,the ,abbe de ,gauvon was a younger son1 and designed by his family for a bishopric1 for which reason his studies had been pursued further than is usual with people of quality4 ,he had been sent to the university of ,sienna1 where he had resided some years1 and from whence he had brought a good portion of cruscantism1 designing to be that at ,turin which the ,abbe de ,dangeau was formerly at ,paris4 ,being disgusted with theology1 he gave in to the belle-lettres1 which is very frequent in ,italy1 with those who have entered the career of prelacy4 ,he had studied the poets1 and wrote tolerable ,latin and ,italian verses2 in a word1 his taste was calculated to form mine1 and give some order to that chaos of insignificant trash with which my brain was encumbered2 but whether my prating had misled him1 or that he could not support the trouble of teaching the elementary parts of ,latin1 he put me at first too high2 and ,i had scarcely translated a few fables of ,phoedrus before he put me into ,virgil1 where ,i could hardly understand anything4 ,it will be seen hereafter that ,i was destined frequently to learn ,latin1 but never to attain it4 ,i labored with assiduity1 and the abbe bestowed his attention with a degree of kindness1 the remembrance of which1 even at this time1 both interests and softens me4 ,i passed the greater part of the morning with him as much for my own instruction as his service2 not that he ever permitted me to perform any menial office1 but to copy1 or write from his dictating2 and my employment of secretary was more useful than that of scholar1 and by this means ,i not only learned the ,italian in its utmost purity1 but also acquired a taste for literature1 and some discernment of composition1 which could not have been at ,la ,tribu's1 and which was useful to me when ,i afterwards wrote alone4 ,at this period of my life1 without being romantic1 ,i might reasonably have indulged the hope of preferment4 ,the abbe1 thoroughly pleased with me1 expressed his satisfaction to everyone1 while his father had such a singular affection for me1 that ,i was assured by the ,count de ,favria1 that he had spoken of me to the king2 even ,madam de ,breil had laid aside her disdainful looks2 in short ,i was a general favorite1 which gave great jealousy to the other servants1 who seeing me honored by the instructions of their master's son1 were persuaded ,i should not remain their equal4 ,as far as ,i could judge by some words dropped at random1 and which ,i reflected on afterwards1 it appeared to me1 that the ,house of ,solar1 wishing to run the career of embassies1 and hoping perhaps in time to arrive at the ministry1 wished to provide themselves with a person of merit and talents1 who depending entirely on them1 might obtain their confidence1 and be of essential service4 ,this project of the ,count de ,gauvon was judicious1 magnanimous1 and truly worthy of a powerful nobleman1 equally provident and generous2 but besides my not seeing1 at that time1 its full extent1 it was far too rational for my brain1 and required too much confinement4 ,my ridiculous ambition sought for fortune in the midst of brilliant adventures1 and not finding one woman in all this scheme1 it appeared tedious1 painful and melancholy2 though ,i should rather have thought it more honorable on this account1 as the species of merit generally patronized by women is certainly less worthy that ,i was supposed to possess4 ,everything succeeded to my wish3 ,i had obtained1 almost forced1 the esteem of all2 the trial was over1 and ,i was universally considered as a young man with flattering prospects1 who was not at present in his proper sphere1 but was expected soon to reach it2 but my place was not assigned me by man1 and ,i was to reach it by very difficult paths4 ,i now come to one of those characteristic traits1 which are so natural to me1 and which1 indeed1 the reader might have observed without this reflection4 ,there were at ,turin several new converts of my own stamp1 whom ,i neither liked nor wish to see2 but ,i had met with some ,genevese who were not of this description1 and among others a ,m4 ,mussard1 nicknamed ,wryneck1 a miniature painter1 and a distant relation4 ,this ,m4 ,mussard1 having learned my situation at the ,count de ,gauvon's1 came to see me1 with another ,genevese1 named ,bacle1 who had been my comrade during my apprenticeship4 ,this ,bacle was a very sprightly1 amusing young fellow1 full of lively sallies1 which at his time of life appeared extremely agreeable4 ,at once1 then1 behold me delighted with ,m4 ,bacle2 charmed to such a degree that ,i found it impossible to quit him4 ,he was shortly to depart for ,geneva2 what a loss had ,i to sustain6 ,i felt the whole force of it1 and resolving to make the best use of this precious interval1 ,i determined not to leave him1 or1 rather1 he never quitted me1 for my head was not yet sufficiently turned to think of quitting the house without leave1 but it was soon perceived that he engrossed my whole time1 and he was accordingly forbid the house4 ,this so incensed me1 that forgetting everything but my friend ,bacle1 ,i went neither to the abbe nor the count1 and was no longer to be found at home4 ,i paid no attention to repeated reprimands1 and at length was threatened with dismissal4 ,this threat was my ruin1 as it suggested the idea that it was not absolutely necessary that ,bacle should depart alone4 ,from that moment ,i could think of no other pleasure1 no other situation or happiness than taking this journey4 ,to render the felicity still more complete1 at the end of it 7though at an immense distance7 ,i pictured to myself ,madam de ,warens2 for as to returning to ,geneva1 it never entered into my imagination4 ,the hills1 fields1 brooks and villages1 incessantly succeeded each other with new charms1 and this delightful jaunt seemed worthy to absorb my whole existence4 ,memory recalled1 with inexpressible pleasure1 how charming the country had appeared in coming to ,turin2 what then must it be1 when1 to the pleasure of independence1 should be added the company of a good-humored comrade of my own age and disposition1 without any constraint or obligation1 but free to go or stay as we pleased8 ,would it not be madness to sacrifice the prospect of so much felicity to projects of ambition1 slow and difficult in their execution1 and uncertain in their event8 ,but even supposing them realized1 and in their utmost splendor1 they were not worth one quarter of an hour of the sweet pleasure and liberty of youth4 ,full of these wise conclusions1 ,i conducted myself so improperly1 that 7not indeed without some trouble7 ,i got myself dismissed2 for on my return one night the maitre de hotel gave me warning on the part of the count4 ,this was exactly what ,i wanted2 for feeling1 spite of myself1 the extravagance of my conduct1 ,i wished to excuse it by the addition of injustice and ingratitude1 by throwing the blame on others1 and sheltering myself under the idea of necessity4 ,i was told the ,count de ,favria wished to speak with me the next morning before my departure2 but1 being sensible that my head was so far turned as to render it possible for me to disobey the injunction1 the maitre de hotel declined paying the money designed me1 and which certainly ,i had very ill earned1 till after this visit2 for my kind patrons being unwilling to place me in the situation of a footman1 ,i had not any fixed wages4 ,the ,count de ,favria1 though young and giddy1 talked to me on this occasion in the most sensible and serious manner3 ,i might add1 if it would not be thought vain1 with the utmost tenderness4 ,he reminded me1 in the most flattering terms1 of the cares of his uncle1 and intentions of his grandfather2 after having drawn in lively colors what ,i was sacrificing to ruin1 he offered to make my peace1 without stipulating any conditions1 but that ,i should no more see the worthless fellow who had seduced me4 ,it was so apparent that he did not say all this of himself1 that notwithstanding my blind stupidity1 ,i powerfully felt the kindness of my good old master1 but the dear journey was too firmly printed on my imagination for any consideration to balance the charm4 ,bereft of understanding1 firm to my purpose1 ,i hardened myself against conviction1 and arrogantly answered1 that as they had thought fit to give me warning1 ,i had resolved to take it1 and conceived it was now too late to retract1 since1 whatever might happen to me1 ,i was fully resolved not to be driven a second time from the same house4 ,the count1 justly irritated1 bestowed on me some names which ,i deserved1 and putting me out of his apartment by the shoulders1 shut the door on me4 ,i departed triumphant1 as if ,i had gained the greatest victory1 and fearful of sustaining a second combat even had the ingratitude to leave the house without thanking the abbe for his kindness4 ,to form a just conception of my delirium at that moment1 the excess to which my heart is subject to be heated by the most trifling incidents1 and the ardor with which my imagination seizes on the most attractive objects should be conceived4 ,at these times1 plans the most ridiculous1 childish1 and void of sense1 flatter my favorite idea1 and persuade me that it is reasonable to sacrifice everything to the possession of it4 ,would it be believed1 that when near nineteen1 any one could be so stupid as to build his hopes of future subsistence on an empty phial8 ,for example3 ,the ,abbe de ,gauvon had made me a present1 some weeks before1 of a very pretty heron fountain1 with which ,i was highly delighted4 ,playing with this toy1 and speaking of our departure1 the sage ,bacle and myself thought it might be of infinite advantage1 and enable us to lengthen our journey4 ,what in the world was so curious as a heron fountain8 ,this idea was the foundation on which we built our future fortune3 we were to assemble the country people in every village we might pass through1 and delight them with the sight of it1 when feasting and good cheer would be sure to pour on us abundantly2 for we were both firmly persuaded1 that provisions could cost nothing to those who grew and gathered them1 and if they did not stuff travellers1 it was downright ill-nature4 ,we pictured in all parts entertainments and weddings1 reckoning that without any expense but wind from our lungs1 and the water of our fountain1 we should be maintained through ,piedmont1 ,savoy1 ,france1 and indeed1 all the world over4 ,there was no end to our projected travels1 and we immediately directed our course northward1 rather for the pleasure of crossing the ,alps1 than from a supposed necessity of being obliged to stop at any place4 ,such was the plan on which ,i set out1 abandoning without regret1 my preceptors1 studies1 and hopes1 with the almost certain attainment of a fortune1 to lead the life of a real vagabond4 ,farewell to the capital2 adieu to the court1 ambition1 love1 the fair1 and all the great adventures into which hope had led me during the preceding year6 ,i departed with my fountain and my friend ,bacle1 a purse lightly furnished1 but a heart over-flowing with pleasure1 and only thinking how to enjoy the extensive felicity which ,i supposed my project encircled4 ,this extravagant journey was performed almost as agreeably as ,i had expected1 though not exactly on the same plan2 not but our fountain highly amused the hostess and servants for some minutes at all the ale-houses where we halted1 yet we found it equally necessary to pay on our departure2 but that gave us no concern1 as we never thought of depending on it entirely until our money should be expended4 ,an accident spared us that trouble1 our fountain was broken near ,bramant1 and in good time1 for we both felt 7though without daring to own it to each other7 that we began to be weary of it4 ,this misfortune rendered us gayer than ever2 we laughed heartily at our giddiness in having forgotten that our clothes and shoes would wear out1 or trusting to renew them by the play of our fountain4 ,we continued our journey as merrily as we had begun it1 only drawing faster towards that termination where our drained purses made it necessary for us to arrive4 ,at ,chambery ,i became pensive2 not for the folly ,i had committed1 for never did any one think less of the past1 but on account of the reception ,i should meet with from ,madam de ,warens2 for ,i looked on her house as my paternal home4 ,i had written her an account of my reception at the ,count de ,gauvon's2 she knew my expectancies1 and1 in congratulating me on my good fortune1 had added some wise lessons on the return ,i ought to make for the kindness with which they treated me4 ,she looked on my fortune as already made1 if not destroyed by my own negligence2 what then would she say on my arrival8 for it never entered my mind that she might shut the door against me1 but ,i dreaded the uneasiness ,i might give her2 ,i dreaded her reproaches1 to me more wounding than want2 ,i resolved to bear all in silence1 and1 if possible to appease her4 ,i now saw nothing but ,madam de ,warens in the whole universe1 and to live in disgrace with her was impossible4 ,i was most concerned about my companion1 whom ,i did not wish to offend1 and feared ,i should not easily get rid of4 ,i prefaced this separation by an affected coldness during the last day's journey4 ,the drole understood me perfectly2 in fact1 he was rather giddy than deficient in point of sense--,i expected he would have been hurt at my inconstancy1 but ,i was quite mistaken2 nothing affected my friend ,bacle1 for hardly had we set foot in town1 on our arrival in ,annecy1 before he said1 ,you are now at home1--embraced--bade me adieu--turned on his heel1 and disappeared2 nor have ,i ever heard of him since4 ,how did my heart beat as ,i approached the habitation of ,madam de ,warens6 my legs trembled under me1 my eyes were clouded with a mist1 ,i neither saw1 heard1 nor recollected any one1 and was obliged frequently to stop that ,i might draw breath1 and recall my bewildered senses4 ,was it fear of not obtaining that succor ,i stood in need of1 which agitated me to this degree8 ,at the age ,i then was1 does the fear of perishing with hunger give such alarms8 ,no3 ,i declare with as much truth as pride1 that it was not in the power of interest or indigence1 at any period of my life1 to expand or contract my heart4 ,in the course of a painful life1 memorable for its vicissitudes1 frequently destitute of an asylum1 and without bread1 ,i have contemplated1 with equal indifference1 both opulence and misery4 ,in want ,i might have begged or stolen1 as others have done1 but never could feel distress at being reduced to such necessities4 ,few men have grieved more than myself1 few have shed so many tears2 yet never did poverty1 or the fear of falling into it1 make me heave a sigh or moisten my eyelids4 ,my soul1 in despite of fortune1 has only been sensible of real good and evil1 which did not depend on her2 and frequently1 when in possession of everything that could make life pleasing1 ,i have been the most miserable of mortals4 ,the first glance of ,madam de ,warens banished all my fears--my heart leaped at the sound of her voice2 ,i threw myself at her feet1 and in transports of the most lively joy1 pressed my lips upon her hand4 ,i am ignorant whether she had received any recent information of me4 ,i discovered but little surprise on her countenance1 and no sorrow4 ,poor child6 said she1 in an affectionate tone1 art thou here again8 ,i knew you were too young for this journey2 ,i am very glad1 however1 that it did not turn out so bad as ,i apprehended4 ,she then made me recount my history2 it was not long1 and ,i did it faithfully3 suppressing only some trifling circumstances1 but on the whole neither sparing nor excusing myself4 ,the question was1 where ,i could lodge3 she consulted her maid on this point--,i hardly dared to breathe during the deliberation2 but when ,i heard ,i was to sleep in the house1 ,i could scarce contain my joy2 and saw the little bundle ,i brought with me carried into my destined apartment with much the same sensations as ,st4 ,preux saw his chaise put up at ,madam de ,wolmar's4 ,to complete all1 ,i had the satisfaction to find that this favor was not to be transitory2 for at a moment when they thought me attentive to something else1 ,i heard ,madam de ,warens say1 ,they may talk as they please1 but since ,providence has sent him back1 ,i am determined not to abandon him4 ,behold me1 then1 established at her house2 not1 however1 that ,i date the happiest days of my life from this period1 but this served to prepare me for them4 ,though that sensibility of heart1 which enables us truly to enjoy our being1 is the work of ,nature1 and perhaps a mere effect of organization1 yet it requires situations to unfold itself1 and without a certain concurrence of favorable circumstances1 a man born with the most acute sensibility may go out of the world without ever having been acquainted with his own temperament4 ,this was my case till that time1 and such perhaps it might have remained had ,i never known ,madam de ,warens1 or even having known her1 had ,i not remained with her long enough to contract that pleasing habit of affectionate sentiments with which she inspired me4 ,i dare affirm1 that those who only love1 do not feel the most charming sensations we are capable of3 ,i am acquainted with another sentiment1 less impetuous1 but a thousand times more delightful2 sometimes joined with love1 but frequently separated from it4 ,this feeling is not simply friendship2 it is more enchanting1 more tender2 nor do ,i imagine it can exist between persons of the same sex2 at least ,i have been truly a friend1 if ever a man was1 and yet never experienced it in that kind4 ,this distinction is not sufficiently clear1 but will become so hereafter3 sentiments are only distinguishable by their effects4 ,madam de ,warens inhabited an old house1 but large enough to have a handsome spare apartment1 which she made her drawing-room4 ,i now occupied this chamber1 which was in the passage ,i have before mentioned as the place of our first meeting4 ,beyond the brook and gardens was a prospect of the country1 which was by no means uninteresting to the young inhabitant1 being the first time1 since my residence at ,bossey1 that ,i had seen anything before my windows but walls1 roofs1 or the dirty street4 ,how pleasing then was this novelty6 it helped to increase the tenderness of my disposition1 for ,i looked on this charming landscape as the gift of my dear patroness1 who ,i could almost fancy had placed it there on purpose for me4 ,peaceably seated1 my eyes pursued her amidst the flowers and the verdure2 her charms seemed to me confounded with those of the spring2 my heart1 till now contracted1 here found means to expand itself1 and my sighs exhaled freely in this charming retreat4 ,the magnificence ,i had been accustomed to at ,turin was not to be found at ,madam de ,warens'1 but in lieu of it there was neatness1 regularity1 and a patriarchal abundance1 which is seldom attached to pompous ostentation4 ,she had very little plate1 no china1 no game in her kitchen1 or foreign wines in her cellar1 but both were well furnished1 and at every one's service2 and her coffee1 though served in earthenware cups1 was excellent4 ,whoever came to her house was invited to dine there1 and never did laborer1 messenger1 or traveller1 depart without refreshment4 ,her family consisted of a pretty chambermaid from ,fribourg1 named ,merceret2 a valet from her own country called ,claude ,anet 7of whom ,i shall speak hereafter71 a cook1 and two hired chairmen when she visited1 which seldom happened4 ,this was a great deal to be done out of two thousand livres a year2 yet1 with good management1 it might have been sufficient in a country where land is extremely good1 and money very scarce4 ,unfortunately1 economy was never her favorite virtue2 she contracted debts--paid them--thus her money passed from hand to hand like a weaver's shuttle1 and quickly disappeared4 ,the arrangement of her housekeeping was exactly what ,i should have chosen1 and ,i shared it with satisfaction4 ,i was least pleased with the necessity of remaining too long at table4 ,madam de ,warens was so much incommoded with the first smell of soup or meat1 as almost to occasion fainting2 from this she slowly recovered1 talking meantime1 and never attempting to eat for the first half hour4 ,i could have dined thrice in the time1 and had ever finished my meal long before she began2 ,i then ate again for company2 and though by this means ,i usually dined twice1 felt no inconvenience from it4 ,in short1 ,i was perfectly at my ease1 and the happier as my situation required no care4 ,not being at this time instructed in the state of her finances1 ,i supposed her means were adequate to her expense2 and though ,i afterwards found the same abundance1 yet when instructed in her real situation1 finding her pension ever anticipated1 prevented me from enjoying the same tranquility4 ,foresight with me has always embittered enjoyment2 in vain ,i saw the approach of misfortunes1 ,i was never the more likely to avoid them4 ,from the first moment of our meeting1 the softest familiarity was established between us3 and in the same degree it continued during the rest of her life4 ,child was my name1 ,mamma was hers1 and child and mamma we have ever continued1 even after a number of years had almost effaced the apparent difference of age between us4 ,i think those names convey an exact idea of our behavior1 the simplicity of our manners1 and above all1 the similarity of our dispositions4 ,to me she was the tenderest of mothers1 ever preferring my welfare to her own pleasure2 and if my own satisfaction found some interest in my attachment to her1 it was not to change its nature1 but only to render it more exquisite1 and infatuate me with the charm of having a mother young and handsome1 whom ,i was delighted to caress3 ,i say literally1 to caress1 for never did it enter into her imagination to deny me the tenderest maternal kisses and endearments1 or into my heart to abuse them4 ,it will be said1 at length our connection was of a different kind3 ,i confess it2 but have patience1 that will come in its turn4 ,the sudden sight of her1 on our first interview1 was the only truly passionate moment she ever inspired me with2 and even that was principally the work of surprise4 ,with her ,i had neither transports nor desires1 but remained in a ravishing calm1 sensible of a happiness ,i could not define1 and thus could ,i have passed my whole life1 or even eternity1 without feeling an instant of uneasiness4 ,she was the only person with whom ,i never experienced that want of conversation1 which to me is so painful to endure4 ,our tete-a-tetes were rather an inexhaustible chat than conversation1 which could only conclude from interruption4 ,so far from finding discourse difficult1 ,i rather thought it a hardship to be silent2 unless1 when contemplating her projects1 she sunk into a reverie2 when ,i silently let her meditate1 and gazing on her1 was the happiest of men4 ,i had another singular fancy1 which was that without pretending to the favor of a tete-a-tete1 ,i was perpetually seeking occasion to form them1 enjoying such opportunities with rapture2 and when importunate visitors broke in upon us1 no matter whether it was man or woman1 ,i went out murmuring1 not being able to remain a secondary object in her company2 then1 counting the minutes in her antechamber1 ,i used to curse these eternal visitors1 thinking it inconceivable how they could find so much to say1 because ,i had still more4 ,if ever ,i felt the full force of my attachment1 it was when ,i did not see her4 ,when in her presence1 ,i was only content2 when absent1 my uneasiness reached almost to melancholy1 and a wish to live with her gave me emotions of tenderness even to tears4 ,never shall ,i forget one great holiday1 while she was at vespers1 when ,i took a walk out of the city1 my heart full of her image1 and the ardent wish to pass my life with her4 ,i could easily enough see that at present this was impossible2 that the happiness ,i enjoyed would be of short duration1 and this idea gave to my contemplations a tincture of melancholy1 which1 however1 was not gloomy1 but tempered with a flattering hope4 ,the ringing of bells1 which ever particularly affects me1 the singing of birds1 the fineness of the day1 the beauty of the landscape1 the scattered country houses1 among which in idea ,i placed our future dwelling1 altogether struck me with an impression so lively1 tender1 melancholy1 and powerful1 that ,i saw myself in ecstasy transported into that happy time and abode1 where my heart1 possessing all the felicity it could desire1 might taste it with raptures inexpressible4 ,i never recollect to have enjoyed the future with such force of illusions as at that time2 and what has particularly struck me in the recollection of this reverie1 is that when realized1 ,i found my situation exactly as ,i had imagined it4 ,if ever waking dream had an appearance of a prophetic vision1 it was assuredly this2 ,i was only deceived in its imaginary duration1 for days1 years1 and life itself1 passed ideally in perfect tranquility1 while the reality lasted but a moment4 ,alas6 my most durable happiness was but as a dream1 which ,i had no sooner had a glimpse of1 than ,i instantly awoke4 ,i know not when ,i should have done1 if ,i was to enter into a detail of all the follies that affection for my dear ,madam de ,warens made me commit4 ,when absent from her1 how often have ,i kissed the bed on a supposition that she had slept there2 the curtains and all the furniture of my chamber1 on recollecting they were hers1 and that her charming hands had touched them2 nay1 the floor itself1 when ,i considered she had walked there4 ,sometimes even in her presence1 extravagancies escaped me1 which only the most violent passions seemed capable of inspiring2 in a word1 there was but one essential difference to distinguish me from an absolute lover1 and that particular renders my situation almost inconceivable4 ,i had returned from ,italy1 not absolutely as ,i went there1 but as no one of my age1 perhaps1 ever did before1 being equally unacquainted with women4 ,my ardent constitution had found resources in those means by which youth of my disposition sometimes preserve their purity at the expense of health1 vigor1 and frequently of life itself4 ,my local situation should likewise be considered--living with a pretty woman1 cherishing her image in the bottom of my heart1 seeing her during the whole day1 at night surrounded with objects that recalled her incessantly to my remembrance1 and sleeping in the bed where ,i knew she had slept4 ,what a situation6 ,who can read this without supposing me on the brink of the grave8 ,but quite the contrary2 that which might have ruined me1 acted as a preservative1 at least for a time4 ,intoxicated with the charm of living with her1 with the ardent desire of passing my life there1 absent or present ,i saw in her a tender mother1 an amiable sister1 a respected friend1 but nothing more2 meantime1 her image filled my heart1 and left room far no other object4 ,the extreme tenderness with which she inspired me excluded every other woman from my consideration1 and preserved me from the whole sex3 in a word1 ,i was virtuous1 because ,i loved her4 ,let these particulars1 which ,i recount but indifferently1 be considered1 and then let any one judge what kind of attachment ,i had for her3 for my part1 all ,i can say1 is1 that if it hitherto appears extraordinary1 it will appear much more so in the sequel4 ,my time passed in the most agreeable manner1 though occupied in a way which was by no means calculated to please me2 such as having projects to digest1 bills to write fair1 receipts to transcribe1 herbs to pick1 drugs to pound1 or distillations to attend2 and in the midst of all this1 came crowds of travellers1 beggars1 and visitors of all denominations4 ,some times it was necessary to converse at the same time with a soldier1 an apothecary1 a prebendary1 a fine lady1 and a lay brother4 ,i grumbled1 swore1 and wished all this troublesome medley at the devil1 while she seemed to enjoy it1 laughing at my chagrin till the tears ran down her cheeks4 ,what excited her mirth still more1 was to see that my anger was increased by not being able myself to refrain from laughter4 ,these little intervals1 in which ,i enjoyed the pleasure of grumbling1 were charming2 and if1 during the dispute1 another importunate visitor arrived1 she would add to her amusement by maliciously prolonging the visit1 meantime casting glances at me for which ,i could almost have beat her2 nor could she without difficulty refrain from laughter on seeing my constrained politeness1 though every moment glancing at her the look of a fury1 while1 even in spite of myself1 ,i thought the scene truly diverting4 ,all this1 without being pleasing in itself1 contributed to amuse1 because it made up a part of a life which ,i thought delightful4 ,nothing that was performed around me1 nothing that ,i was obliged to do1 suited my taste1 but everything suited my heart2 and ,i believe1 at length1 ,i should have liked the study of medicine1 had not my natural distaste to it perpetually engaged us in whimsical scenes1 that prevented my thinking of it in a serious light4 ,it was1 perhaps1 the first time that this art produced mirth4 ,i pretended to distinguish a physical book by its smell1 and what was more diverting1 was seldom mistaken4 ,madam de ,warens made me taste the most nauseous drugs2 in vain ,i ran1 or endeavored to defend myself2 spite of resistance or wry faces1 spite of my struggles1 or even of my teeth1 when ,i saw her charming fingers approach my lips1 ,i was obliged to give up the contest4 ,illustration3 #jjih ,when shut up in an apartment with all her medical apparatus1 any one who had heard us running and shouting amidst peals of laughter would rather have imagined we had been acting a farce than preparing opiates or elixirs4 ,my time1 however1 was not entirely passed in these fooleries2 in the apartment which ,i occupied ,i found a few books3 there was the ,spectator1 ,puffendorf1 ,st4 ,everemond1 and the ,henriade4 ,though ,i had not my old passion for books1 yet ,i amused myself with reading a part of them4 ,the ,spectator was particularly pleasing and serviceable to me4 ,the ,abbe de ,gauvon had taught me to read less eagerly1 and with a greater degree of attention1 which rendered my studies more serviceable4 ,i accustomed myself to reflect on elocution and the elegance of composition2 exercising myself in discerning pure ,french from my provincial idiom4 ,for example1 ,i corrected an orthographical fault 7which ,i had in common with all ,genevese7 by these two lines of the ,henriade3 ,soit qu' un ancient respect pour le sang de leurs maitres1 ,parlat encore pour lui dans le coeur de ces traitres ,i was struck with the word 'parlat'1 and found a 't' was necessary to form the third person of the subjunctive1 whereas ,i had always written and pronounced it parla1 as in the present of the indicative4 ,sometimes my studies were the subject of conversation with ,madam de ,warens2 sometimes ,i read to her1 in which ,i found great satisfaction2 and as ,i endeavored to read well1 it was extremely serviceable to me4 ,i have already observed that her mind was cultivated2 her understanding was at this time in its meridian4 ,several people of learning having been assiduous to ingratiate themselves1 had taught her to distinguish works of merit2 but her taste 7if ,i may so express myself7 was rather ,protestant2 ever speaking warmly of ,bayle1 and highly esteeming ,st4 ,evremond1 though long since almost forgotten in ,france3 but this did not prevent her having a taste for literature1 or expressing her thoughts with elegance4 ,she had been brought up with polite company1 and coming young to ,savoy1 by associating with people of the best fashion1 had lost the affected manners of her own country1 where the ladies mistake wit for sense1 and only speak in epigram4 ,though she had seen the court but superficially1 that glance was sufficient to give her a competent idea of it2 and notwithstanding secret jealousies and the murmurs excited by her conduct and running in debt1 she ever preserved friends there1 and never lost her pension4 ,she knew the world1 and was useful4 ,this was her favorite theme in our conversations1 and was directly opposite to my chimerical ideas1 though the kind of instruction ,i particularly had occasion for4 ,we read ,bruyere together2 he pleased her more than ,rochefoucault1 who is a dull1 melancholy author1 particularly to youth1 who are not fond of contemplating man as he really is4 ,in moralizing she sometimes bewildered herself by the length of her discourse2 but by kissing her lips or hand from time to time ,i was easily consoled1 and never found them wearisome4 ,this life was too delightful to be lasting2 ,i felt this1 and the uneasiness that thought gave me was the only thing that disturbed my enjoyment4 ,even in playfulness she studied my disposition1 observed and interrogated me1 forming projects for my future fortune1 which ,i could readily have dispensed with4 ,happily it was not sufficient to know my disposition1 inclinations and talents2 it was likewise necessary to find a situation in which they would be useful1 and this was not the work of a day4 ,even the prejudices this good woman had conceived in favor of my merit put off the time of calling it into action1 by rendering her more difficult in the choice of means2 thus 7thanks to the good opinion she entertained of me71 everything answered to my wish2 but a change soon happened which put a period to my tranquility4 ,a relation of ,madam de ,warens1 named ,m4 d',aubonne1 came to see her2 a man of great understanding and intrigue1 being1 like her1 fond of projects1 though careful not to ruin himself by them4 ,he had offered ,cardinal ,fleury a very compact plan for a lottery1 which1 however1 had not been approved of1 and he was now going to propose it to the court of ,turin1 where it was accepted and put into execution4 ,he remained some time at ,annecy1 where he fell in love with the ,intendant's lady1 who was very amiable1 much to my taste and the only person ,i saw with pleasure at the house of ,madam de ,warens4 ,m4 d',aubonne saw me1 ,i was strongly recommended by his relation2 he promised1 therefore1 to question and see what ,i was fit for1 and1 if he found me capable1 to seek me a situation4 ,madam de ,warens sent me to him two or three mornings1 under pretense of messages1 without acquainting me with her real intention4 ,he spoke to me gayly1 on various subjects1 without any appearance of observation2 his familiarity presently set me talking1 which by his cheerful and jesting manner he encouraged without restraint--,i was absolutely charmed with him4 ,the result of his observations was1 that notwithstanding the animation of my countenance1 and promising exterior1 if not absolutely silly1 ,i was a lad of very little sense1 and without ideas of learning2 in fine1 very ignorant in all respects1 and if ,i could arrive at being curate of some village1 it was the utmost honor ,i ought ever to aspire to4 ,such was the account he gave of me to ,madam de ,warens4 ,this was not the first time such an opinion had been formed of me1 neither was it the last2 the judgment of ,m4 ,masseron having been repeatedly confirmed4 ,the cause of these opinions is too much connected with my character not to need a particular explanation2 for it will not be supposed that ,i can in conscience subscribe to them2 and with all possible impartiality1 whatever ,m4 ,masseron1 ,m4 d',aubonne and many others may have said1 ,i cannot help thinking them mistaken4 ,two things very opposite1 unite in me1 and in a manner which ,i cannot myself conceive4 ,my disposition is extremely ardent1 my passions lively and impetuous1 yet my ideas are produced slowly1 with great embarrassment and after much afterthought4 ,it might be said my heart and understanding do not belong to the same individual4 ,a sentiment takes possession of my soul with the rapidity of lightning1 but instead of illuminating1 it dazzles and confounds me2 ,i feel all1 but see nothing2 ,i am warm1 but stupid2 to think ,i must be cool4 ,what is astonishing1 my conception is clear and penetrating1 if not hurried3 ,i can make excellent impromptus at leisure1 but on the instant1 could never say or do anything worth notice4 ,i could hold a tolerable conversation by the post1 as they say the ,spaniards play at chess1 and when ,i read that anecdote of a duke of ,savoy1 who turned himself round1 while on a journey1 to cry out 'a votre gorge1 marchand de ,paris6' ,i said1 ,here is a trait of my character6 ,this slowness of thought1 joined to vivacity of feeling1 ,i am not only sensible of in conversation1 but even alone4 ,when ,i write1 my ideas are arranged with the utmost difficulty4 ,they glance on my imagination and ferment till they discompose1 heat1 and bring on a palpitation2 during this state of agitation1 ,i see nothing properly1 cannot write a single word1 and must wait till it is over4 ,insensibly the agitation subsides1 the chaos acquires form1 and each circumstance takes its proper place4 ,have you never seen an opera in ,italy8 where during the change of scene everything is in confusion1 the decorations are intermingled1 and any one would suppose that all would be overthrown2 yet by little and little1 everything is arranged1 nothing appears wanting1 and we feel surprised to see the tumult succeeded by the most delightful spectacle4 ,this is a resemblance of what passes in my brain when ,i attempt to write2 had ,i always waited till that confusion was past1 and then painted1 in their natural beauties1 the objects that had presented themselves1 few authors would have surpassed me4 ,thence arises the extreme difficulty ,i find in writing2 my manuscripts1 blotted1 scratched1 and scarcely legible1 attest the trouble they cost me2 nor is there one of them but ,i have been obliged to transcribe four or five times before it went to press4 ,never could ,i do anything when placed at a table1 pen in hand2 it must be walking among the rocks1 or in the woods2 it is at night in my bed1 during my wakeful hours1 that ,i compose2 it may be judged how slowly1 particularly for a man who has not the advantage of verbal memory1 and never in his life could retain by heart six verses4 ,some of my periods ,i have turned and returned in my head five or six nights before they were fit to be put to paper3 thus it is that ,i succeed better in works that require laborious attention1 than those that appear more trivial1 such as letters1 in which ,i could never succeed1 and being obliged to write one is to me a serious punishment2 nor can ,i express my thoughts on the most trivial subjects without it costing me hours of fatigue4 ,if ,i write immediately what strikes me1 my letter is a long1 confused1 unconnected string of expressions1 which1 when read1 can hardly be understood4 ,it is not only painful to me to give language to my ideas but even to receive them4 ,i have studied mankind1 and think myself a tolerable observer1 yet ,i know nothing from what ,i see1 but all from what ,i remember1 nor have ,i understanding except in my recollections4 ,from all that is said1 from all that passes in my presence1 ,i feel nothing1 conceive nothing1 the exterior sign being all that strikes me2 afterwards it returns to my remembrance2 ,i recollect the place1 the time1 the manner1 the look1 and gesture1 not a circumstance escapes me2 it is then1 from what has been done or said1 that ,i imagine what has been thought1 and ,i have rarely found myself mistaken4 ,so little master of my understanding when alone1 let any one judge what ,i must be in conversation1 where to speak with any degree of ease you must think of a thousand things at the same time3 the bare idea that ,i should forget something material would be sufficient to intimidate me4 ,nor can ,i comprehend how people can have the confidence to converse in large companies1 where each word must pass in review before so many1 and where it would be requisite to know their several characters and histories to avoid saying what might give offence4 ,in this particular1 those who frequent the world would have a great advantage1 as they know better where to be silent1 and can speak with greater confidence2 yet even they sometimes let fall absurdities2 in what predicament then must he be who drops as it were from the clouds8 ,it is almost impossible he should speak ten minutes with impunity4 ,in a tete-a-tete there is a still worse inconvenience2 that is2 the necessity of talking perpetually1 at least1 the necessity of answering when spoken to1 and keeping up the conversation when the other is silent4 ,this insupportable constraint is alone sufficient to disgust me with variety1 for ,i cannot form an idea of a greater torment than being obliged to speak continually without time for recollection4 ,i know not whether it proceeds from my mortal hatred of all constraint2 but if ,i am obliged to speak1 ,i infallibly talk nonsense4 ,what is still worse1 instead of learning how to be silent when ,i have absolutely nothing to say1 it is generally at such times that ,i have a violent inclination3 and endeavoring to pay my debt of conversation as speedily as possible1 ,i hastily gabble a number of words without ideas1 happy when they only chance to mean nothing2 thus endeavoring to conquer or hide my incapacity1 ,i rarely fail to show it4 ,i think ,i have said enough to show that1 though not a fool1 ,i have frequently passed for one1 even among people capable of judging2 this was the more vexatious1 as my physiognomy and eyes promised otherwise1 and expectation being frustrated1 my stupidity appeared the more shocking4 ,this detail1 which a particular occasion gave birth to1 will not be useless in the sequel1 being a key to many of my actions which might otherwise appear unaccountable2 and have been attributed to a savage humor ,i do not possess4 ,i love society as much as any man1 was ,i not certain to exhibit myself in it1 not only disadvantageously1 but totally different from what ,i really am4 ,the plan ,i have adopted of writing and retirement1 is what exactly suits me4 ,had ,i been present1 my worth would never have been known1 no one would even have suspected it2 thus it was with ,madam ,dupin1 a woman of sense1 in whose house ,i lived for several years2 indeed1 she has often since owned it to me3 though on the whole this rule may be subject to some exceptions4 ,i shall now return to my history4 ,the estimate of my talents thus fixed1 the situation ,i was capable of promised1 the question only remained how to render me capable of fulfilling my destined vocation4 ,the principle difficulty was1 ,i did not know ,latin enough for a priest4 ,madam de ,warens determined to have me taught for some time at the seminary1 and accordingly spoke of it to the ,superior1 who was a ,lazarist1 called ,m4 ,gras1 a good-natured little fellow1 half blind1 meagre1 gray-haired1 insensible1 and the least pedantic of any ,lazarist ,i ever knew2 which1 in fact1 is saying no great matter4 ,he frequently visited ,madam de ,warens1 who entertained1 caressed1 and made much of him1 letting him sometimes lace her stays1 an office he was willing enough to perform4 ,while thus employed1 she would run about the room1 this way or that1 as occasion happened to call her4 ,drawn by the lace1 ,monsieur the ,superior followed1 grumbling1 repeating at every moment1 ,pray1 madam1 do stand still2 the whole forming a scene truly diverting4 ,m4 ,gras willingly assented to the project of ,madam de ,warens1 and1 for a very moderate pension1 charged himself with the care of instructing me4 ,the consent of the bishop was all that remained necessary1 who not only granted it1 but offered to pay the pension1 permitting me to retain the secular habit till they could judge by a trial what success they might have in my improvement4 ,what a change6 but ,i was obliged to submit2 though ,i went to the seminary with about the same spirits as if they had been taking me to execution4 ,what a melancholy abode6 especially for one who left the house of a pretty woman4 ,i carried one book with me1 that ,i had borrowed of ,madam de ,warens1 and found it a capital resource6 it will not be easily conjectured what kind of book this was--it was a music book4 ,among the talents she had cultivated1 music was not forgotten2 she had a tolerable good voice1 sang agreeably1 and played on the harpsichord4 ,she had taken the pains to give me some lessons in singing1 though before ,i was very uninformed in that respect1 hardly knowing the music of our psalms4 ,eight or ten interrupted lessons1 far from putting me in a condition to improve myself1 did not teach me half the notes2 notwithstanding1 ,i had such a passion for the art1 that ,i determined to exercise myself alone4 ,the book ,i took was not of the most easy kind2 it was the cantatas of ,clerambault4 ,it may be conceived with what attention and perseverance ,i studied1 when ,i inform my reader1 that without knowing anything of transposition or quantity1 ,i contrived to sing with tolerable correctness1 the first recitative and air in the cantata of ,alpheus and ,arethusa2 it is true this air is1 so justly set1 that it is only necessary to recite the verses in their just measure to catch the music4 ,there was at the seminary a curst ,lazarist1 who by undertaking to teach me ,latin made me detest it4 ,his hair was coarse1 black and greasy1 his face like those formed in gingerbread1 he had the voice of a buffalo1 the countenance of an owl1 and the bristles of a boar in lieu of a beard2 his smile was sardonic1 and his limbs played like those of a puppet moved by wires4 ,i have forgotten his odious name1 but the remembrance of his frightful precise countenance remains with me1 though hardly can ,i recollect it without trembling2 especially when ,i call to mind our meeting in the gallery1 when he graciously advanced his filthy square cap as a sign for me to enter his apartment1 which appeared more dismal in my apprehension than a dungeon4 ,let any one judge the contrast between my present master and the elegant ,abbe de ,gauvon4 ,had ,i remained two months at the mercy of this monster1 ,i am certain my head could not have sustained it2 but the good ,m4 ,gras1 perceiving ,i was melancholy1 grew thin1 and did not eat my victuals1 guessed the cause of my uneasiness 7which indeed was not very difficult7 and taking me from the claws of this beast1 by another yet more striking contrast1 placed me with the gentlest of men1 a young ,faucigneran abbe1 named ,m4 ,gatier1 who studied at the seminary1 and out of complaisance for ,m4 ,gras1 and humanity to myself1 spared some time from the prosecution of his own studies in order to direct mine4 ,never did ,i see a more pleasing countenance than that of ,m4 ,gatier4 ,he was fair complexioned1 his beard rather inclined to red2 his behavior like that of the generality of his countrymen 7who under a coarseness of countenance conceal much understanding71 marked in him a truly sensible and affectionate soul4 ,in his large blue eyes there was a mixture of softness1 tenderness1 and melancholy1 which made it impossible to see him without feeling one's self interested4 ,from the looks and manner of this young abbe he might have been supposed to have foreseen his destiny1 and that he was born to be unhappy4 ,his disposition did not belie his physiognomy3 full of patience and complaisance1 he rather appeared to study with than to instruct me4 ,so much was not necessary to make me love him1 his predecessor having rendered that very easy2 yet1 notwithstanding all the time he bestowed on me1 notwithstanding our mutual good inclinations1 and that his plan of teaching was excellent1 with much labor1 ,i made little progress4 ,it is very singular1 that with a clear conception ,i could never learn much from masters except my father and ,m4 ,lambercier2 the little ,i know besides ,i have learned alone1 as will be seen hereafter4 ,my spirit1 impatient of every species of constraint1 cannot submit to the law of the moment2 even the fear of not learning prevents my being attentive1 and a dread of wearying those who teach1 makes me feign to understand them2 thus they proceed faster than ,i can comprehend1 and the conclusion is ,i learn nothing4 ,my understanding must take its own time and cannot submit to that of another4 ,the time of ordination being arrived1 ,m4 ,gatier returned to his province as deacon1 leaving me with gratitude1 attachment1 and sorrow for his loss4 ,the vows ,i made for him were no more answered than those ,i offered for myself4 ,some years after1 ,i learned1 that being vicar of a parish1 a young girl was with child by him1 being the only one 7though he possessed a very tender heart7 with whom he was ever in love4 ,this was a dreadful scandal in a diocese severely governed1 where the priests 7being under good regulation7 ought never to have children--except by married women4 ,having infringed this politic law1 he was put in prison1 defamed1 and driven from his benefice4 ,i know not whether it was ever after in his power to reestablish his affairs2 but the remembrance of his misfortunes1 which were deeply engraven on my heart1 struck me when ,i wrote ,emilius1 and uniting ,m4 ,gatier with ,m4 ,gaime1 ,i formed from these two worthy priests the character of the ,savoyard ,vicar1 and flatter myself the imitation has not dishonored the originals4 ,while ,i was at the seminary1 ,m4 d',aubonne was obliged to quit ,annecy1 ,moultou being displeased that he made love to his wife1 which was acting like a dog in the manger1 for though ,madam ,moultou was extremely amiable1 he lived very ill with her1 treating her with such brutality that a separation was talked of4 ,moultou1 by repeated oppressions1 at length procured a dismissal from his employment3 he was a disagreeable man2 a mole could not be blacker1 nor an owl more knavish4 ,it is said the provincials revenge themselves on their enemies by songs2 ,m4 d',aubonne revenged himself on his by a comedy1 which he sent to ,madam de ,warens1 who showed it to me4 ,i was pleased with it1 and immediately conceived the idea of writing one1 to try whether ,i was so silly as the author had pronounced me4 ,this project was not executed till ,i went to ,chambery1 where ,i wrote ',the ,lover of ,himself'4 ,thus when ,i said in the preface to that piece1 it was written at eighteen1 ,i cut off a few years4 ,nearly about this time an event happened1 not very important in itself1 but whose consequence affected me1 and made a noise in the world when ,i had forgotten it4 ,once a week ,i was permitted to go out2 it is not necessary to say what use ,i made of this liberty4 ,being one ,sunday at ,madam de ,warens1 a building belonging to the ,cordeliers1 which joined her house1 took fire2 this building which contained their oven1 being full of dry fagots1 blazed violently and greatly endangered the house2 for the wind happening to drive the flames that way1 it was covered with them4 ,the furniture1 therefore1 was hastily got out and carried into the garden which fronted the windows1 on the other side the before-mentioned brook4 ,i was so alarmed that ,i threw indiscriminately everything that came to hand out of the window1 even to a large stone mortar1 which at another time ,i should have found it difficult to remove1 and should have thrown a handsome looking-glass after it had not some one prevented me4 ,the good bishop1 who that day was visiting ,madam de ,warens1 did not remain idle2 he took her into the garden1 where they went to prayers with the rest that were assembled there1 and where sometime afterwards1 ,i found them on their knees1 and presently joined them4 ,while the good man was at his devotions1 the wind changed1 so suddenly and critically1 that the flames which had covered the house and began to enter the windows1 were carried to the other side of the court1 and the house received no damage4 ,two years after1 ,monsieur de ,berner being dead1 the ,antoines1 his former brethren1 began to collect anecdotes which might serve as arguments of his beatification2 at the desire of ,father ,baudet1 ,i joined to these an attestation of what ,i have just related1 in doing which1 though ,i attested no more than the truth1 ,i certainly acted ill1 as it tended to make an indifferent occurrence pass for a miracle4 ,i had seen the bishop in prayer1 and had likewise seen the wind change during the prayer1 and even much to the purpose1 all this ,i could certify truly2 but that one of these facts was the cause of the other1 ,i ought not to have attested1 because it is what ,i could not possibly be assured of4 ,thus much ,i may say1 that as far as ,i can recollect what my ideas were at that time1 ,i was sincerely1 and in good earnest a ,catholic4 ,love of the marvellous is natural to the human heart2 my veneration for the virtuous prelate1 and secret pride in having1 perhaps1 contributed to the event in question1 all helped to seduce me2 and certainly1 if this miracle was the effect of ardent prayer1 ,i had a right to claim a share of the merits4 ,more than thirty years after1 when ,i published the ',lettres de la ,montagne'1 ,m4 ,feron 7,i know not by what means7 discovered this attestation1 and made use of it in his paper4 ,i must confess the discovery was very critically timed1 and appeared very diverting1 even to me4 ,i was destined to be the outcast of every condition2 for notwithstanding ,m4 ,gatier gave the most favorable account he possibly could of my studies1 they plainly saw the improvement ,i received bore no proportion to the pains taken to instruct me1 which was no encouragement to continue them3 the bishop and superior1 therefore1 were disheartened1 and ,i was sent back to ,madam de ,warens1 as a subject not even fit to make a priest of2 but as they allowed1 at the same time1 that ,i was a tolerably good lad1 and far from being vicious1 this account counterbalanced the former1 and determined her not to abandon me4 ,i carried back in triumph the dear music book1 which had been so useful to me1 the air of ,alpheus and ,arethusa being almost all ,i had learned at the seminary4 ,my predilection for this art started the idea of making a musician of me4 ,a convenient opportunity offered2 once a week1 at least1 she had a concert at her house1 and the music-master from the cathedral1 who directed this little band1 came frequently to see her4 ,this was a ,parisian1 named ,m4 le ,maitre1 a good composer1 very lively1 gay1 young1 well made1 of little understanding1 but1 upon the whole1 a good sort of man4 ,madam de ,warens made us acquainted2 ,i attached myself to him1 and he seemed not displeased with me4 ,a pension was talked of1 and agreed on2 in short1 ,i went home with him1 and passed the winter the more agreeably at his chambers1 as they were not above twenty paces distant from ,madam de ,warens'1 where we frequently supped together4 ,it may easily be supposed that this situation1 ever gay1 and singing with the musicians and children of the choir1 was more pleasing to me than the seminary and fathers of ,st4 ,lazarus4 ,this life1 though free1 was regular2 here ,i learned to prize independence1 but never to abuse it4 ,for six whole months ,i never once went out except to see ,madam de ,warens1 or to church1 nor had ,i any inclination to it4 ,this interval is one of those in which ,i enjoyed the greatest satisfaction1 and which ,i have ever recollected with pleasure4 ,among the various situations ,i have been placed in1 some were marked with such an idea of virtuous satisfaction1 that the bare remembrance affects me as if they were yet present4 ,i vividly recollect the time1 the place1 the persons1 and even the temperature of the air1 while the lively idea of a certain local impression peculiar to those times1 transports me back again to the very spot2 for example1 all that was repeated at our meetings1 all that was sung in the choir1 everything that passed there2 the beautiful and noble habits of the canons1 the chasubles of the priests1 the mitres of the singers1 the persons of the musicians2 an old lame carpenter who played the counter-bass1 a little fair abbe who performed on the violin1 the ragged cassock which ,m4 le ,maitre1 after taking off his sword1 used to put over his secular habit1 and the fine surplice with which he covered the rags of the former1 when he went to the choir2 the pride with which ,i held my little flute to my lips1 and seated myself in the orchestra1 to assist in a recitative which ,m4 le ,maitre had composed on purpose for me2 the good dinner that afterwards awaited us1 and the good appetites we carried to it4 ,this concourse of objects1 strongly retraced in my memory1 has charmed me a hundred time as much1 or perhaps more1 than ever the reality had done4 ,i have always preserved an affection for a certain air of the ',conditor alme ,syderum'1 because one ,sunday in ,advent ,i heard that hymn sung on the steps of the cathedral1 7according to the custom of that place7 as ,i lay in bed before daybreak4 ,mademoiselle ,merceret1 ,madam de ,warens' chambermaid1 knew something of music2 ,i shall never forget a little piece that ,m4 le ,maitre made me sing with her1 and which her mistress listened to with great satisfaction4 ,in a word1 every particular1 even down to the servant ,perrine1 whom the boys of the choir took such delight in teasing4 ,the remembrance of these times of happiness and innocence frequently returning to my mind1 both ravish and affect me4 ,i lived at ,annecy during a year without the least reproach1 giving universal satisfaction4 ,since my departure from ,turin ,i had been guilty of no folly1 committed none while under the eye of ,madam de ,warens4 ,she was my conductor1 and ever led me right2 my attachment for her became my only passion1 and what proves it was not a giddy one1 my heart and understanding were in unison4 ,it is true that a single sentiment1 absorbing all my faculties1 put me out of a capacity of learning even music3 but this was not my fault1 since to the strongest inclination1 ,i added the utmost assiduity4 ,i was attentive and thoughtful2 what could ,i do8 ,nothing was wanting towards my progress that depended on me2 meantime1 it only required a subject that might inspire me to occasion the commission of new follies3 that subject presented itself1 chance arranged it1 and 7as will be seen hereafter7 my inconsiderate head gave in to it4 ,one evening1 in the month of ,february1 when it was very cold1 being all sat round the fire1 we heard some one knock at the street door4 ,perrine took a light1 went down and opened it3 a young man entering1 came upstairs1 presented himself with an easy air1 and making ,m4 ,maitre a short1 but well-turned compliment1 announced himself as a ,french musician1 constrained by the state of his finances to take this liberty4 ,the heart of the good ,le ,maitre leaped at the name of a ,french musician1 for he passionately loved both his country and profession2 he therefore offered the young traveller his service--and use of his apartment1 which he appeared to stand much in need of1 and which he accepted without much ceremony4 ,i observed him while he was chatting and warming himself before supper2 he was short and thick1 having some fault in his shape1 though without any particular deformity2 he had 7if ,i may so express myself7 an appearance of being hunchbacked1 with flat shoulders1 and ,i think he limped4 ,he wore a black coat1 rather worn than old1 which hung in tatters1 a very fine but dirty shirt1 frayed ruffles2 a pair of splatterdashes so large that he could have put both legs into either of them1 and1 to secure himself from the snow1 a little hat1 only fit to be carried under his arm4 ,with this whimsical equipage1 he had1 however1 something elegant in his manners and conversation2 his countenance was expressive and agreeable1 and he spoke with facility if not with modesty2 in short1 everything about him bore the mark of a young debauchee1 who did not crave assistance like a beggar1 but as a thoughtless madcap4 ,he told us his name was ,venture de ,villeneuve1 that he came from ,paris1 had lost his way1 and seeming to forget that he had announced himself for a musician1 added that he was going to ,grenoble to see a relation that was a member of ,parliament4 ,during supper we talked of music1 on which subject he spoke well3 he knew all the great virtuosi1 all the celebrated works1 all the actors1 actresses1 pretty women1 and powerful lords2 in short nothing was mentioned but what he seemed thoroughly acquainted with4 ,though no sooner was any topic started1 than by some drollery1 which set every one a-laughing1 he made them forget what had been said4 ,this was on a ,saturday2 the next day there was to be music at the cathedral3 ,m4 le ,maitre asked if he would sing there--,very willingly4--,what part would he chose8--,the counter-tenor3 and immediately began speaking of other things4 ,before he went to church they offered him his part to peruse1 but he did not even look at it4 ,this ,gasconade surprised ,le ,maitre--,you'll see1 said he1 whispering to me1 that he does not know a single note4--,i replied3 ,i am very much afraid of him4 ,i followed them into the church2 but was extremely uneasy1 and when they began1 my heart beat violently1 so much was ,i interested in his behalf4 ,i was presently out of pain3 he sung his two recitatives with all imaginable taste and judgment2 and what was yet more1 with a very agreeable voice4 ,i never enjoyed a more pleasing surprise4 ,after mass1 ,m4 ,venture received the highest compliments from the canons and musicians1 which he answered jokingly1 though with great grace4 ,m4 le ,maitre embraced him heartily2 ,i did the same2 he saw ,i was rejoiced at his success1 and appeared pleased at my satisfaction4 ,it will easily be surmised1 that after having been delighted with ,m4 ,bacle1 who had little to attract my admiration1 ,i should be infatuated with ,m4 ,venture1 who had education1 wit1 talents1 and a knowledge of the world1 and might be called an agreeable rake4 ,this was exactly what happened1 and would1 ,i believe1 have happened to any other young man in my place2 especially supposing him possessed of better judgment to distinguish merit1 and more propensity to be engaged by it2 for ,venture doubtless possessed a considerable share1 and one in particular1 very rare at his age1 namely1 that of never being in haste to display his talents4 ,it is true1 he boasted of many things he did not understand1 but of those he knew 7which were very numerous7 he said nothing1 patiently waiting some occasion to display them1 which he then did with ease1 though without forwardness1 and thus gave them more effect4 ,as there was ever some intermission between the proofs of his various abilities1 it was impossible to conjecture whether he had ever discovered all his talents4 ,playful1 giddy1 inexhaustible1 seducing in conversation1 ever smiling1 but never laughing1 and repeating the rudest things in the most elegant manner--even the most modest women were astonished at what they endured from him3 it was in vain for them to determine to be angry2 they could not assume the appearance of it4 ,it was extraordinary that with so many agreeable talents1 in a country where they are so well understood1 and so much admired1 he so long remained only a musician4 ,my attachment to ,m4 ,venture1 more reasonable in its cause1 was also less extravagant in its effects1 though more lively and durable than that ,i had conceived for ,m4 ,bacle4 ,i loved to see him1 to hear him1 all his actions appeared charming1 everything he said was an oracle to me1 but the enchantment did not extend far enough to disable me from quitting him4 ,i spoke of him with transport to ,madam de ,warens1 ,le ,maitre likewise spoke in his praise1 and she consented we should bring him to her house4 ,this interview did not succeed2 he thought her affected1 she found him a libertine1 and1 alarmed that ,i had formed such an ill acquaintance1 not only forbade me bringing him there again1 but likewise painted so strongly the danger ,i ran with this young man1 that ,i became a little more circumspect in giving in to the attachment2 and very happily1 both for my manners and wits1 we were soon separated4 ,m4 le ,maitre1 like most of his profession1 loved good wine2 at table he was moderate1 but when busy in his closet he must drink4 ,his maid was so well acquainted with this humor that no sooner had he prepared his paper to compose1 and taken his violoncello1 than the bottle and glass arrived1 and was replenished from time to time3 thus1 without being ever absolutely intoxicated1 he was usually in a state of elevation4 ,this was really unfortunate1 for he had a good heart1 and was so playful that ,madam de ,warens used to call him the kitten4 ,unhappily1 he loved his profession1 labored much and drank proportionately1 which injured his health1 and at length soured his temper4 ,sometimes he was gloomy and easily offended1 though incapable of rudeness1 or giving offence to any one1 for never did he utter a harsh word1 even to the boys of the choir3 on the other hand1 he would not suffer another to offend him1 which was but just3 the misfortune was1 having little understanding1 he did not properly discriminate1 and was often angry without cause4 ,the ,chapter of ,geneva1 where so many princes and bishops formerly thought it an honor to be seated1 though in exile it lost its ancient splendor1 retained 7without any diminution7 its pride4 ,to be admitted1 you must either be a gentleman or ,doctor of ,sorbonne4 ,if there is a pardonable pride1 after that derived from personal merit1 it is doubtless that arising from birth1 though1 in general1 priests having laymen in their service treat them with sufficient haughtiness1 and thus the canons behaved to poor ,le ,maitre4 ,the chanter1 in particular1 who was called the ,abbe de ,vidonne1 in other respects a well-behaved man1 but too full of his nobility1 did not always show him the attention his talents merited4 ,m4 le ,maitre could not bear these indignities patiently2 and this year1 during passion week1 they had a more serious dispute than ordinary4 ,at an institution dinner that the bishop gave the canons1 and to which ,m4 ,maitre was always invited1 the abbe failed in some formality1 adding1 at the same time1 some harsh words1 which the other could not digest2 he instantly formed the resolution to quit them the following night2 nor could any consideration make him give up his design1 though ,madam de ,warens 7whom he went to take leave of7 spared no pains to appease him4 ,he could not relinquish the pleasure of leaving his tyrants embarrassed for the ,easter feast1 at which time he knew they stood in greatest need of him4 ,he was most concerned about his music1 which he wished to take with him2 but this could not easily be accomplished1 as it filled a large case1 and was very heavy1 and could not be carried under the arm4 ,madam de ,warens did what ,i should have done in her situation2 and indeed1 what ,i should yet do3 after many useless efforts to retain him1 seeing he was resolved to depart1 whatever might be the event1 she formed the resolution to give him every possible assistance4 ,i must confess ,le ,maitre deserved it of her1 for he was 7if ,i may use the expression7 dedicated to her service1 in whatever appertained to either his art or knowledge1 and the readiness with which he obliged gave a double value to his complaisance3 thus she only paid back1 on an essential occasion1 the many favors he had been long conferring on her2 though ,i should observe1 she possessed a soul that1 to fulfill such duties1 had no occasion to be reminded of previous obligations4 ,accordingly she ordered me to follow ,le ,maitre to ,lyons1 and to continue with him as long as he might have occasion for my services4 ,she has since avowed1 that a desire of detaching me from ,venture had a great hand in this arrangement4 ,she consulted ,claude ,anet about the conveyance of the above-mentioned case4 ,he advised1 that instead of hiring a beast at ,annecy1 which would infallibly discover us1 it would be better1 at night1 to take it to some neighboring village1 and there hire an ass to carry it to ,seyssel1 which being in the ,french dominions1 we should have nothing to fear4 ,this plan was adopted2 we departed the same night at seven1 and ,madam de ,warens1 under pretense of paying my expenses1 increased the purse of poor ,le ,maitre by an addition that was very acceptable4 ,claude ,anet1 the gardiner1 and myself1 carried the case to the first village1 then hired an ass1 and the same night reached ,seyssel4 ,i think ,i have already remarked that there are times in which ,i am so unlike myself that ,i might be taken for a man of a direct opposite disposition2 ,i shall now give an example of this4 ,m4 ,reydelet1 curate of ,seyssel1 was canon of ,st4 ,peter's1 consequently known to ,m4 le ,maitre1 and one of the people from whom he should have taken most pains to conceal himself2 my advice1 on the contrary1 was to present ourselves to him1 and1 under some pretext1 entreat entertainment as if we visited him by consent of the chapter4 ,le ,maitre adopted the idea1 which seemed to give his revenge the appearance of satire and waggery2 in short1 we went boldly to ,reydelet1 who received us very kindly4 ,le ,maitre told him he was going to ,bellay by desire of the bishop1 that he might superintend the music during the ,easter holidays1 and that he proposed returning that way in a few days4 ,to support this tale1 ,i told a hundred others1 so naturally that ,m4 ,reydelet thought me a very agreeable youth1 and treated me with great friendship and civility4 ,we were well regaled and well lodged3 ,m4 ,reydelet scarcely knew how to make enough of us2 and we parted the best friends in the world1 with a promise to stop longer on our return4 ,we found it difficult to refrain from laughter1 or wait till we were alone to give free vent to our mirth3 indeed1 even now1 the bare recollection of it forces a smile1 for never was waggery better or more fortunately maintained4 ,this would have made us merry during the remainder of our journey1 if ,m4 le ,maitre 7who did not cease drinking7 had not been two or three times attacked with a complaint that he afterwards became very subject to1 and which resembled an epilepsy4 ,these fits threw me into the most fearful embarrassments1 from which ,i resolved to extricate myself with the first opportunity4 ,according to the information given to ,m4 ,reydelet1 we passed our ,easter holidays at ,bellay1 and though not expected there1 were received by the music-master1 and welcomed by every one with great pleasure4 ,m4 le ,maitre was of considerable note in his profession1 and1 indeed1 merited that distinction4 ,the music-master of ,bellay 7who was fond of his own works7 endeavored to obtain the approbation of so good a judge2 for besides being a connoisseur1 ,m4 le ,maitre was equitable1 neither a jealous1 ill-natured critic1 nor a servile flatterer4 ,he was so superior to the generality of country music-masters and they were so sensible of it1 that they treated him rather as their chief than a brother musician4 ,having passed four or five days very agreeably at ,bellay1 we departed1 and continuing our journey without meeting with any accidents1 except those ,i have just spoken of1 arrived at ,lyons1 and were lodged at ,notre ,dame de ,pitie4 ,while we waited for the arrival of the before-mentioned case 7which by the assistance of another lie1 and the care of our good patron1 ,m4 ,reydelet1 we had embarked on the ,rhone7 ,m4 le ,maitre went to visit his acquaintance1 and among others ,father ,cato1 a ,cordelier1 who will be spoken of hereafter1 and the ,abbe ,dortan1 ,count of ,lyons1 both of whom received him well1 but afterwards betrayed him1 as will be seen presently2 indeed1 his good fortune terminated with ,m4 ,reydelet4 ,two days after our arrival at ,lyons1 as we passed a little street not far from our inn1 ,le ,maitre was attacked by one of his fits2 but it was now so violent as to give me the utmost alarm4 ,i screamed with terror1 called for help1 and naming our inn1 entreated some one to bear him to it1 then 7while the people were assembled1 and busy round a man that had fallen senseless in the street7 he was abandoned by the only friend on whom he could have any reasonable dependence2 ,i seized the instant when no one heeded me1 turned the corner of the street and disappeared4 ,thanks to ,heaven1 ,i have made my third painful confession2 if many such remained1 ,i should certainly abandon the work ,i have undertaken4 ,of all the incidents ,i have yet related1 a few traces are remaining in the places where ,i have lived2 but what ,i have to relate in the following book is almost entirely unknown2 these are the greatest extravagancies of my life1 and it is happy they had not worse conclusions4 ,my head1 7if ,i may use the simile7 screwed up to the pitch of an instrument it did not naturally accord with1 had lost its diapason2 in time it returned to it again1 when ,i discontinued my follies1 or at least gave in to those more consonant to my disposition4 ,this epoch of my youth ,i am least able to recollect1 nothing having passed sufficiently interesting to influence my heart1 to make me clearly retrace the remembrance4 ,in so many successive changes1 it is difficult not to make some transpositions of time or place4 ,i write absolutely from memory1 without notes or materials to help my recollection4 ,some events are as fresh in my idea as if they had recently happened1 but there are certain chasms which ,i cannot fill up but by the aid of recital1 as confused as the remaining traces of those to which they refer4 ,it is possible1 therefore1 that ,i may have erred in trifles1 and perhaps shall again1 but in every matter of importance ,i can answer that the account is faithfully exact1 and with the same veracity the reader may depend ,i shall be careful to continue it4 ,my resolution was soon taken after quitting ,le ,maitre2 ,i set out immediately for ,annecy4 ,the cause and mystery of our departure had interested me for the security of our retreat3 this interest1 which entirely employed my thoughts for some days1 had banished every other idea2 but no sooner was ,i secure and in tranquility1 than my predominant sentiment regained its place4 ,nothing flattered1 nothing tempted me1 ,i had no wish but to return to ,madam de ,warens2 the tenderness and truth of my attachment to her had rooted from my heart every imaginable project1 and all the follies of ambition1 ,i conceived no happiness but living near her1 nor could ,i take a step without feeling that the distance between us was increased4 ,i returned1 therefore1 as soon as possible1 with such speed1 and with my spirits in such a state of agitation1 that though ,i recall with pleasure all my other travels1 ,i have not the least recollection of this1 only remembering my leaving ,lyons and reaching ,annecy4 ,let anyone judge whether this last event can have slipped my memory1 when informed that on my arrival ,i found ,madam de ,warens was not there1 having set out for ,paris4 ,i was never well informed of the motives of this journey4 ,i am certain she would have told me had ,i asked her1 but never was man less curious to learn the secrets of his friend4 ,my heart is ever so entirely filled with the present1 or with past pleasures1 which become a principal part of my enjoyment1 that there is not a chink or corner for curiosity to enter4 ,all that ,i conceive from what ,i heard of it1 is1 that in the revolution caused at ,turin by the abdication of the ,king of ,sardinia1 she feared being forgotten1 and was willing by favor of the intrigues of ,m4 d' ,aubonne to seek the same advantage in the court of ,france1 where she has often told me she should have preferred it1 as the multiplicity of business there prevents your conduct from being so closely inspected4 ,if this was her business1 it is astonishing that on her return she was not ill received2 be that as it will1 she continued to enjoy her allowance without any interruption4 ,many people imagined she was charged with some secret commission1 either by the bishop1 who then had business at the court of ,france1 where he himself was soon after obliged to go1 or some one yet more powerful1 who knew how to insure her a gracious reception at her return4 ,if this was the case1 it is certain the ambassadress was not ill chosen1 since being young and handsome1 she had all the necessary qualifications to succeed in a negotiation4 ,,book ,,iv4 ,let any one judge my surprise and grief at not finding her on my arrival4 ,i now felt regret at having abandoned ,m4 le ,maitre1 and my uneasiness increased when ,i learned the misfortunes that had befallen him4 ,his box of music1 containing all his fortune1 that precious box1 preserved with so much care and fatigue1 had been seized on at ,lyons by means of ,count ,dortan1 who had received information from the ,chapter of our having absconded with it4 ,in vain did ,le ,maitre reclaim his property1 his means of existence1 the labor of his life2 his right to the music in question was at least subject to litigation1 but even that liberty was not allowed him1 the affair being instantly decided on the principal of superior strength4 ,thus poor ,le ,maitre lost the fruit of his talents1 the labor of his youth1 and principal dependence for the support of old age4 ,nothing was wanting to render the news ,i had received truly afflicting1 but ,i was at an age when even the greatest calamities are to be sustained2 accordingly ,i soon found consolation4 ,i expected shortly to hear news of ,madam de ,warens1 though ,i was ignorant of the address1 and she knew nothing of my return4 ,as to my desertion of ,le ,maitre 7all things considered7 ,i did not find it so very culpable4 ,i had been serviceable to him at his retreat2 it was not in my power to give him any further assistance4 ,had ,i remained with him in ,france it would not have cured his complaint4 ,i could not have saved his music1 and should only have doubled his expense3 in this point of view ,i then saw my conduct2 ,i see it otherwise now4 ,it frequently happens that a villainous action does not torment us at the instant we commit it1 but on recollection1 and sometimes even after a number of years have elapsed1 for the remembrance of crimes is not to be extinguished4 ,the only means ,i had to obtain news of ,madam de ,warens was to remain at ,annecy4 ,where should ,i seek her in ,paris8 or how bear the expense of such a journey8 ,sooner or later there was no place where ,i could be so certain to hear of her as that ,i was now at2 this consideration determined me to remain there1 though my conduct was very indifferent4 ,i did not go to the bishop1 who had already befriended me1 and might continue to do so2 my patroness was not present1 and ,i feared his reprimands on the subject of our flight2 neither did ,i go to the seminary1 ,m4 ,gras was no longer there2 in short1 ,i went to none of my acquaintances4 ,i should gladly have visited the intendant's lady1 but did not dare2 ,i did worse1 ,i sought out ,m4 ,venture1 whom 7notwithstanding my enthusiasm7 ,i had never thought of since my departure4 ,i found him quite gay1 in high spirits1 and the universal favorite of the ladies of ,annecy4 ,this success completed my infatuation2 ,i saw nothing but ,m4 ,venture2 he almost made me forget even ,madam de ,warens4 ,that ,i might profit more at ease by his instructions and example1 ,i proposed to share his lodgings1 to which he readily consented4 ,it was at a shoemaker's2 a pleasant1 jovial fellow1 who1 in his county dialect1 called his wife nothing but trollop2 an appellation which she certainly merited4 ,venture took care to augment their differences1 though under an appearance of doing the direct contrary1 throwing out in a distant manner1 and provincial accents1 hints that produced the utmost effect1 and furnished such scenes as were sufficient to make any one die with laughter4 ,thus the mornings passed without our thinking of them2 at two or three o'clock we took some refreshment4 ,venture then went to his various engagements1 where he supped1 while ,i walked alone1 meditating on his great merit1 coveting and admiring his rare talents1 and cursing my own unlucky stars1 that did not call me to so happy a life4 ,how little did ,i then know of myself6 mine had been a thousand times more delightful1 had ,i not been such a fool1 or known better how to enjoy it4 ,madam de ,warens had taken no one with her but ,anet3 ,merceret1 the chambermaid1 whom ,i have before mentioned1 still remained in the house4 ,merceret was something older than myself1 not pretty1 but tolerably agreeable2 good-natured1 free from malice1 having no fault to my knowledge but being a little refractory with her mistress4 ,i often went to see her2 she was an old acquaintance1 who recalled to my remembrance one more beloved1 and this made her dear to me4 ,she had several friends1 and among others one ,mademoiselle ,giraud1 a ,genevese1 who1 for the punishment of my sins1 took it in her head to have an inclination for me1 always pressing ,merceret1 when she returned her visits1 to bring me with her4 ,as ,i liked ,merceret1 ,i felt no disinclination to accompany her2 besides ,i met there with some young people whose company pleased me4 ,for ,mademoiselle ,giraud1 who offered every kind of enticement1 nothing could increase the aversion ,i had for her4 ,when she drew near me1 with her dried black snout1 smeared with ,spanish snuff1 it was with the utmost difficulty that ,i could refrain from expressing my distaste2 but1 being pleased with her visitors1 ,i took patience4 ,among these were two girls who 7either to pay their court to ,mademoiselle ,giraud or myself7 paid me every possible attention4 ,i conceived this to be only friendship2 but have since thought it depended only on myself to have discovered something more1 though ,i did not even think of it at the time4 ,there was another reason for my stupidity4 ,seamstresses1 chambermaids1 or milliners1 never tempted me2 ,i sighed for ladies6 ,every one has his peculiar taste1 this has ever been mine2 being in this particular of a different opinion from ,horace4 ,yet it is not vanity of riches or rank that attracts me2 it is a well-preserved complexion1 fine hands1 elegance of ornaments1 an air of delicacy and neatness throughout the whole person2 more in taste1 in the manner of expressing themselves1 a finer or better made gown1 a well-turned ankle1 small foot1 ribbons1 lace1 and well-dressed hair2 ,i even prefer those who have less natural beauty1 provided they are elegantly decorated4 ,i freely confess this preference is very ridiculous2 yet my heart gives in to it spite of my understanding4 ,well1 even this advantage presented itself1 and it only depended on my own resolution to have seized the opportunity4 ,how do ,i love1 from time to time1 to return to those moments of my youth1 which were so charmingly delightful2 so short1 so scarce1 and enjoyed at so cheap a rate6--how fondly do ,i wish to dwell on them6 ,even yet the remembrance of these scenes warms my heart with a chaste rapture1 which appears necessary to reanimate my drooping courage1 and enable me to sustain the weariness of my latter days4 ,the appearance of ,aurora seemed so delightful one morning that1 putting on my clothes1 ,i hastened into the country1 to see the rising of the sun4 ,i enjoyed that pleasure in its utmost extent2 it was one week after midsummer2 the earth was covered with verdure and flowers1 the nightingales1 whose soft warblings were almost concluded1 seemed to vie with each other1 and in concert with birds of various kinds to bid adieu to spring1 and hail the approach of a beautiful summer's day3 one of those lovely days that are no longer to be enjoyed at my age1 and which have never been seen on the melancholy soil ,i now inhabit4 ,i had rambled insensibly1 to a considerable distance from the town--the heat augmented--,i was walking in the shade along a valley1 by the side of a brook1 ,i heard behind me the steps of horses1 and the voice of some females who1 though they seemed embarrassed1 did not laugh the less heartily on that account4 ,i turn round1 hear myself called by name1 and approaching1 find two young people of my acquaintance1 ,mademoiselle de ,g---- and ,mademoiselle ,galley1 who1 not being very excellent horsewomen1 could not make their horses cross the rivulet4 ,mademoiselle de ,g---- was a young lady of ,berne1 very amiable2 who1 having been sent from that country for some youthful folly1 had imitated ,madam de ,warens1 at whose house ,i had sometimes seen her2 but not having1 like her1 a pension1 she had been fortunate in this attachment to ,mademoiselle ,galley1 who had prevailed on her mother to engage her young friend as a companion1 till she could be otherwise provided for4 ,mademoiselle ,galley was one year younger than her friend1 handsomer1 more delicate1 more ingenious1 and to complete all1 extremely well made4 ,they loved each other tenderly1 and the good disposition of both could not fail to render their union durable1 if some lover did not derange it4 ,they informed me they were going to ,toune1 an old castle belonging to ,madam ,galley1 and implored my assistance to make their horses cross the stream1 not being able to compass it themselves4 ,i would have given each a cut or two with the whip1 but they feared ,i might be kicked1 and themselves thrown2 ,i therefore had recourse to another expedient1 ,i took hold of ,mademoiselle ,galley's horse and led him through the brook1 the water reaching half-way up my legs4 ,the other followed without any difficulty4 ,this done1 ,i would have paid my compliments to the ladies1 and walked off like a great booby as ,i was1 but after whispering each other1 ,mademoiselle de ,g---- said1 ,no1 no1 you must not think to escape thus2 you have got wet in our service1 and we ought in conscience to take care and dry you4 ,if you please you must go with us1 you are now our prisoner4 ,my heart began to beat--,i looked at ,mademoiselle ,galley--,yes1 yes1 added she1 laughing at my fearful look2 our prisoner of war2 come1 get up behind her1 we shall give a good account of you4--,but1 mademoiselle1 continued ,i1 ,i have not the honor to be acquainted with your mother2 what will she say on my arrival8--,her mother1 replied ,mademoiselle de ,g---- is not at ,toune1 we are alone1 we shall return at night1 and you shall come back with us4 ,the stroke of electricity has not a more instantaneous effect than these words produced on me4 ,leaping behind ,mademoiselle de ,g----1 ,i trembled with joy1 and when it became necessary to clasp her in order to hold myself on1 my heart beat so violently that she perceived it1 and told me hers beat also from a fear of falling4 ,in my present posture1 ,i might naturally have considered this an invitation to satisfy myself of the truth of her assertion1 yet ,i did not dare1 and during the whole way my arm served as a girdle 7a very close one1 ,i must confess71 without being a moment displaced4 ,some women that may read this would be for giving me a box on the ear1 and1 truly1 ,i deserved it4 ,the gayety of the journey1 and the chat of these girls1 so enlivened me1 that during the whole time we passed together we never ceased talking a moment4 ,they had set me so thoroughly at ease1 that my tongue spoke as fast as my eyes1 though not exactly the same things4 ,some minutes1 indeed1 when ,i was left alone with either1 the conversation became a little embarrassed1 but neither of them was absent long enough to allow time for explaining the cause4 ,arrived at ,toune1 and myself well dried1 we breakfasted together2 after which it was necessary to settle the important business of preparing dinner4 ,the young ladies cooked1 kissing from time to time the farmer's children1 while the poor scullion looked on grumbling4 ,provisions had been sent for from town1 and there was everything necessary for a good dinner1 but unhappily they had forgotten wine2 this forgetfulness was by no means astonishing to girls who seldom drank any1 but ,i was sorry for the omission1 as ,i had reckoned on its help1 thinking it might add to my confidence4 ,they were sorry likewise1 and perhaps from the same motive2 though ,i have no reason to say this1 for their lively and charming gayety was innocence itself2 besides1 there were two of them1 what could they expect from me8 they went everywhere about the neighborhood to seek for wine1 but none could be procured1 so pure and sober are the peasants in those parts4 ,as they were expressing their concern1 ,i begged them not to give themselves any uneasiness on my account1 for while with them ,i had no occasion for wine to intoxicate me4 ,this was the only gallantry ,i ventured at during the whole of the day1 and ,i believe the sly rogues saw well enough that ,i said nothing but the truth4 ,we dined in the kitchen2 the two friends were seated on the benches1 one on each side the long table1 and their guest at the end1 between them1 on a three--legged stool4 ,what a dinner6 how charming the remembrance6 ,while we can enjoy1 at so small an expense1 such pure1 such true delights1 why should we be solicitous for others8 ,never did those 'petite soupes'1 so celebrated in ,paris1 equal this2 ,i do not only say for real pleasure and gayety1 but even for sensuality4 ,after dinner1 we were economical2 instead of drinking the coffee we had reserved at breakfast1 we kept it for an afternoon collation1 with cream1 and some cake they had brought with them4 ,to keep our appetites in play1 we went into the orchard1 meaning to finish our dessert with cherries4 ,i got into a tree1 throwing them down bunches1 from which they returned the stones through the branches4 ,one time1 ,mademoiselle ,galley1 holding out her apron1 and drawing back her head1 stood so fair1 and ,i took such good aim1 that ,i dropped a bunch into her bosom4 ,on her laughing1 ,i said to myself1 ,why are not my lips cherries8 ,how gladly would ,i throw them there likewise4 ,thus the day passed with the greatest freedom1 yet with the utmost decency2 not a single equivocal word1 not one attempt at double-meaning pleasantry2 yet this delicacy was not affected1 we only performed the parts our hearts dictated2 in short1 my modesty1 some will say my folly1 was such that the greatest familiarity that escaped me was once kissing the hand of ,mademoiselle ,galley2 it is true1 the attending circumstances helped to stamp a value on this trifling favor2 we were alone1 ,i was embarrassed1 her eyes were fixed on the ground1 and my lips1 instead of uttering words1 were pressed on her hand1 which she drew gently back after the salute1 without any appearance of displeasure4 ,i know not what ,i should have said to her2 but her friend entered1 and at that moment ,i thought her ugly4 ,at length1 they bethought themselves1 that they must return to town before night2 even now we had but just time to reach it by daylight2 and we hastened our departure in the same order we came4 ,had ,i pleased myself1 ,i should certainly have reversed this order1 for the glance of ,mademoiselle ,galley had reached my heart1 but ,i dared not mention it1 and the proposal could not reasonably come from her4 ,on the way1 we expressed our sorrow that the day was over1 but far from complaining of the shortness of its duration1 we were conscious of having prolonged it by every possible amusement4 ,i quitted them in nearly the same spot where ,i had taken them up4 ,with what regret did we part6 ,with what pleasure did we form projects to renew our meeting6 ,delightful hours1 which we passed innocently together1 yet were worth ages of familiarity6 ,the sweet remembrance of those days cost those amiable girls nothing2 the tender union which reigned among us equalled more lively pleasures1 with which it could not have existed4 ,we loved each other without shame or mystery1 and wished to continue our reciprocal affection4 ,there is a species of enjoyment connected with innocence of manners which is superior to any other1 because it has no interval2 for myself1 the remembrance of such a day touches me nearer1 delights me more1 and returns with greater rapture to my heart than any other pleasure ,i ever tasted4 ,i hardly knew what ,i wished with those charming girls4 ,i do not say3 that had the arrangement been in my power1 ,i should have divided my heart between them2 ,i certainly felt some degree of preference3 though ,i should have been happy to have had ,mademoiselle de ,g----1 for a mistress1 ,i think1 by choice1 ,i should have liked her better as a confidante2 be that as it may1 ,i felt on leaving them as though ,i could not live without either4 ,who would have thought that ,i should never see them more2 and that here our ephemeral amours must end8 ,those who read this will not fail to laugh at my gallantries1 and remark1 that after very promising preliminaries1 my most forward adventures concluded by a kiss of the hand3 yet be not mistaken1 reader1 in your estimate of my enjoyments2 ,i have1 perhaps1 tasted more real pleasure in my amours1 which concluded by a kiss of the hand1 than you will ever have in yours1 which1 at least1 begin there4 ,venture1 who had gone to bed late the night before1 came in soon after me4 ,i did not now see him with my usual satisfaction1 and took care not to inform him how ,i had passed the day4 ,the ladies had spoken of him slightingly1 and appeared discontented at finding me in such bad hands2 this hurt him in my esteem2 besides1 whatever diverted my ideas from them was at this time disagreeable4 ,however1 he soon brought me back to him and myself1 by speaking of the situation of my affairs1 which was too critical to last2 for1 though ,i spent very little1 my slender finances were almost exhausted4 ,i was without resource2 no news of ,madam de ,warens2 not knowing what would become of me1 and feeling a cruel pang at heart to see the friend of ,mademoiselle ,galley reduced to beggary4 ,i now learned from ,venture that he had spoken of me to the ,judge ,major1 and would take me next day to dine with him2 that he was a man who by means of his friends might render me essential service4 ,in other respects he was a desirable acquaintance1 being a man of wit and letters1 of agreeable conversation1 one who possessed talents and loved them in others4 ,after this discourse 7mingling the most serious concerns with the most trifling frivolity7 he showed me a pretty couplet1 which came from ,paris1 on an air in one of ,mouret's operas1 which was then playing4 ,monsieur ,simon 7the judge major7 was so pleased with this couplet1 that he determined to make another in answer to it1 on the same air4 ,he had desired ,venture to write one1 and he wished me to make a third1 that1 as he expressed it1 they might see couplets start up next day like incidents in a comic romance4 ,in the night 7not being able to sleep7 ,i composed a couplet1 as my first essay in poetry4 ,it was passable2 better1 or at least composed with more taste than it would have been the preceding night1 the subject being tenderness1 to which my heart was now entirely disposed4 ,in the morning ,i showed my performance to ,venture1 who1 being pleased with the couplet1 put it in his pocket1 without informing me whether he had made his4 ,we dined with ,m4 ,simon1 who treated us very politely4 ,the conversation was agreeable2 indeed it could not be otherwise between two men of natural good sense1 improved by reading4 ,for me1 ,i acted my proper part1 which was to listen without attempting to join in the conversation4 ,neither of them mentioned the couplet nor do ,i know that it ever passed for mine4 ,m4 ,simon appeared satisfied with my behavior2 indeed1 it was almost all he saw of me at this interview4 ,we had often met at ,madam de ,warens1 but he had never paid much attention to me2 it is from this dinner1 therefore1 that ,i date our acquaintance1 which1 though of no use in regard to the object ,i then had in view1 was afterwards productive of advantages which make me recollect it with pleasure4 ,i should be wrong not to give some account of this person1 since from his office of magistrate1 and the reputation of wit on which he piqued himself1 no idea could be formed of it4 ,the judge major1 ,simon1 certainly was not two feet high2 his legs spare1 straight1 and tolerably long1 would have added something to his stature had they been vertical1 but they stood in the direction of an open pair of compasses4 ,his body was not only short1 but thin1 being in every respect of most inconceivable smallness--when naked he must have appeared like a grasshopper4 ,his head was of the common size1 to which appertained a well-formed face1 a noble look1 and tolerably fine eyes2 in short1 it appeared a borrowed head1 stuck on a miserable stump4 ,he might very well have dispensed with dress1 for his large wig alone covered him from head to foot4 ,he had two voices1 perfectly different1 which intermingled perpetually in his conversation1 forming at first a diverting1 but afterwards a very disagreeable contrast4 ,one grave and sonorous1 was1 if ,i may hazard the expression1 the voice of his head3 the other1 clear1 sharp1 and piercing1 the voice of his body4 ,when he paid particular attention1 and spoke leisurely1 so as to preserve his breath1 he could continue his deep tone2 but if he was the least animated1 or attempted a lively accent1 his voice sounded like the whistling of a key1 and it was with the utmost difficulty that he could return to the bass4 ,with the figure ,i have just described1 and which is by no means overcharged1 ,m4 ,simon was gallant1 ever entertaining the ladies with soft tales1 and carrying the decoration of his person even to foppery4 ,willing to make use of every advantage he1 during the morning1 gave audience in bed1 for when a handsome head was discovered on the pillow no one could have imagined what belonged to it4 ,this circumstance gave birth to scenes1 which ,i am certain are yet remembered by all ,annecy4 ,one morning1 when he expected to give audience in bed1 or rather on the bed1 having on a handsome night-cap ornamented with rose-colored ribbon1 a countryman arriving knocked at the door2 the maid happened to be out2 the judge1 therefore1 hearing the knock repeated1 cried ,come in1 and1 as he spoke rather loud1 it was in his shrill tone4 ,the man entered1 looked about1 endeavoring to discover whence the female voice proceeded and at length seeing a handsome head-dress set off with ribbons1 was about to leave the room1 making the supposed lady a hundred apologies4 ,m4 ,simon1 in a rage1 screamed the more2 and the countryman1 yet more confirmed in his opinion1 conceiving himself to be insulted1 began railing in his turn1 saying that1 ,apparently1 she was nothing better than a common streetwalker1 and that the judge major should be ashamed of setting such ill examples4 ,the enraged magistrate1 having no other weapon than the jordan under his bed1 was just going to throw it at the poor fellow's head as his servant returned4 ,this dwarf1 ill-used by nature as to his person1 was recompensed by possessing an understanding naturally agreeable1 and which he had been careful to cultivate4 ,though he was esteemed a good lawyer1 he did not like his profession1 delighting more in the finer parts of literature1 which he studied with success3 above all1 he possessed that superficial brilliancy1 the art of pleasing in conversation1 even with the ladies4 ,he knew by heart a number of little stories1 which he perfectly well knew how to make the most of2 relating with an air of secrecy1 and as an anecdote of yesterday1 what happened sixty years before4 ,he understood music1 and could sing agreeably2 in short1 for a magistrate1 he had many pleasing talents4 ,by flattering the ladies of ,annecy1 he became fashionable among them1 appearing continually in their train4 ,he even pretended to favors1 at which they were much amused4 ,a ,madam ,d',epigny used to say ,the greatest favor he could aspire to1 was to kiss a lady on her knees4 ,as he was well read1 and spoke fluently1 his conversation was both amusing and instructive4 ,when ,i afterwards took a taste for study1 ,i cultivated his acquaintance1 and found my account in it3 when at ,chambery1 ,i frequently went from thence to see him4 ,his praises increased my emulation1 to which he added some good advice respecting the prosecution of my studies1 which ,i found useful4 ,unhappily1 this weakly body contained a very feeling soul4 ,some years after1 he was chagrined by ,i know not what unlucky affair1 but it cost him his life4 ,this was really unfortunate1 for he was a good little man1 whom at a first acquaintance one laughed at1 but afterwards loved4 ,though our situations in life were very little connected with each other1 as ,i received some useful lessons from him1 ,i thought gratitude demanded that ,i should dedicate a few sentences to his memory4 ,as soon as ,i found myself at liberty1 ,i ran into the street where ,mademoiselle ,galley lived1 flattering myself that ,i should see someone go in or out1 or at least open a window1 but ,i was mistaken1 not even a cat appeared1 the house remaining as close all the time as if it had been uninhabited4 ,the street was small and lonely1 any one loitering about was1 consequently1 more likely to be noticed2 from time to time people passed in and out of the neighborhood2 ,i was much embarrassed1 thinking my person might be known1 and the cause that brought me there conjectured2 this idea tortured me1 for ,i have ever preferred the honor and happiness of those ,i love to my own pleasures4 ,at length1 weary of playing the ,spanish lover1 and having no guitar1 ,i determined to write to ,mademoiselle de ,g----4 ,i should have preferred writing to her friend1 but did not dare take that liberty1 as it appeared more proper to begin with her to whom ,i owed the acquaintance1 and with whom ,i was most familiar4 ,having written my letter1 ,i took it to ,mademoiselle ,giraud1 as the young ladies had agreed at parting1 they having furnished me with this expedient4 ,mademoiselle ,giraud was a quilter1 and sometimes worked at ,madam ,galley's1 which procured her free admission to the house4 ,i must confess1 ,i was not thoroughly satisfied with this messenger1 but was cautious of starting difficulties1 fearing that if ,i objected to her no other might be named1 and it was impossible to intimate that she had an inclination to me herself4 ,i even felt humiliated that she should think ,i could imagine her of the same sex as those young ladies3 in a word1 ,i accepted her agency rather than none1 and availed myself of it at all events4 ,at the very first word1 ,giraud discovered me4 ,i must own this was not a difficult matter1 for if sending a letter to young girls had not spoken sufficiently plain1 my foolish embarrassed air would have betrayed me4 ,it will easily be supposed that the employment gave her little satisfaction1 she undertook it1 however1 and performed it faithfully4 ,the next morning ,i ran to her house and found an answer ready for me4 ,how did ,i hurry away that ,i might have an opportunity to read and kiss it alone6 though this need not been told1 but the plan adopted by ,mademoiselle ,giraud 7and in which ,i found more delicacy and moderation than ,i had expected7 should4 ,she had sense enough to conclude that her thirty-seven years1 hare's eyes1 daubed nose1 shrill voice1 and black skin1 stood no chance against two elegant young girls1 in all the height and bloom of beauty2 she resolved1 therefore1 nether to betray nor assist them1 choosing rather to lose me entirely than entertain me for them4 ,as ,merceret had not heard from her mistress for some time1 she thought of returning to ,fribourg1 and the persuasions of ,giraud determined her2 nay more1 she intimated it was proper someone should conduct her to her father's and proposed me4 ,as ,i happened to be agreeable to little ,merceret1 she approved the idea1 and the same day they mentioned it to me as a fixed point4 ,finding nothing displeasing in the manner they had disposed of me1 ,i consented1 thinking it could not be above a week's journey at most2 but ,giraud1 who had arranged the whole affair1 thought otherwise4 ,it was necessary to avow the state of my finances1 and the conclusion was1 that ,merceret should defray my expenses2 but to retrench on one hand what was expended on the other1 ,i advised that her little baggage should be sent on before1 and that we should proceed by easy journeys on foot4 ,i am sorry to have so many girls in love with me1 but as there is nothing to be very vain of in the success of these amours1 ,i think ,i may tell the truth without scruple4 ,merceret1 younger and less artful than ,giraud1 never made me so many advances1 but she imitated my manners1 my actions1 repeated my words1 and showed me all those little attentions ,i ought to have had for her4 ,being very timorous1 she took great care that we should both sleep in the same chamber2 a circumstance that usually produces some consequences between a lad of twenty and a girl of twenty-five4 ,for once1 however1 it went no further2 my simplicity being such1 that though ,merceret was by no means a disagreeable girl1 an idea of gallantry never entered my head1 and even if it had1 ,i was too great a novice to have profited by it4 ,i could not imagine how two young persons could bring themselves to sleep together1 thinking that such familiarity must require an age of preparation4 ,if poor ,merceret paid my expenses in hopes of any return1 she was terribly cheated1 for we arrived at ,fribourg exactly as we had quitted ,annecy4 ,i passed through ,geneva without visiting any one4 ,while going over the bridges1 ,i found myself so affected that ,i could scarcely proceed4 ,never could ,i see the walls of that city1 never could ,i enter it1 without feeling my heart sink from excess of tenderness1 at the same time that the image of liberty elevated my soul4 ,the ideas of equality1 union1 and gentleness of manners1 touched me even to tears1 and inspired me with a lively regret at having forfeited all these advantages4 ,what an error was ,i in6 but yet how natural6 ,i imagined ,i saw all this in my native country1 because ,i bore it in my heart4 ,it was necessary to pass through ,nion3 could ,i do this without seeing my good father8 ,had ,i resolved on doing so1 ,i must afterwards have died with regret4 ,i left ,merceret at the inn1 and ventured to his house4 ,how wrong was ,i to fear him6 ,on seeing me1 his soul gave way to the parental tenderness with which it was filled4 ,what tears were mingled with our embraces6 ,he thought ,i was returned to him3 ,i related my history1 and informed him of my resolution4 ,he opposed it feebly1 mentioning the dangers to which ,i exposed myself1 and telling me the shortest follies were best1 but did not attempt to keep me by force1 in which particular ,i think he acted right2 but it is certain he did not do everything in his power to detain me1 even by fair means4 ,whether after the step ,i had taken1 he thought ,i ought not to return1 or was puzzled at my age to know what to do with me--,i have since found that he conceived a very unjust opinion of my travelling companion4 ,my step-mother1 a good woman1 a little coaxingly put on an appearance of wishing me to stay to supper2 ,i did not1 however1 comply1 but told them ,i proposed remaining longer with them on my return2 leaving as a deposit my little packet1 that had come by water1 and would have been an incumbrance1 had ,i taken it with me4 ,i continued my journey the next morning1 well satisfied that ,i had seen my father1 and had taken courage to do my duty4 ,we arrived without any accident at ,fribourg4 ,towards the conclusion of the journey1 the politeness of ,mademoiselle ,merceret rather diminished1 and1 after our arrival1 she treated me even with coldness4 ,her father1 who was not in the best circumstances1 did not show me much attention1 and ,i was obliged to lodge at an alehouse4 ,i went to see them the next morning1 and received an invitation to dine there1 which ,i accepted4 ,we separated without tears at night2 ,i returned to my paltry lodging1 and departed the second day after my arrival1 almost without knowing whither to go to4 ,this was a circumstance of my life in which ,providence offered me precisely what was necessary to make my days pass happily4 ,merceret was a good girl1 neither witty1 handsome1 nor ugly2 not very lively1 but tolerably rational1 except while under the influence of some little humors1 which usually evaporated in tears1 without any violent outbreak of temper4 ,she had a real inclination for me2 ,i might have married her without difficulty1 and followed her father's business4 ,my taste for music would have made me love her2 ,i should have settled at ,fribourg1 a small town1 not pretty1 but inhabited by very worthy people--,i should certainly have missed great pleasures1 but should have lived in peace to my last hour1 and ,i must know best what ,i should have gained by such a step4 ,i did not return to ,nion1 but to ,lausanne1 wishing to gratify myself with a view of that beautiful lake which is seen there in its utmost extent4 ,the greater part of my secret motives have not been so reasonable4 ,distant expectation has rarely strength enough to influence my actions2 the uncertainty of the future ever making me regard projects whose execution requires a length of time as deceitful lures4 ,i give in to visionary scenes of hope as well as others1 provided they cost nothing1 but if attended with any trouble1 ,i have done with them4 ,the smallest1 the most trifling pleasure that is conveniently within my reach1 tempts me more than all the joys of paradise4 ,i must except1 however1 those pleasures which are necessarily followed by pain2 ,i only love those enjoyments which are unadulterated1 which can never be the case where we are conscious they must be followed by repentance4 ,it was necessary ,i should arrive at some place1 and the nearest was best2 for having lost my way on the road1 ,i found myself in the evening at ,moudon1 where ,i spent all that remained of my little stock except ten creuzers1 which served to purchase my next day's dinner4 ,arriving in the evening at ,lausanne1 ,i went into an ale-house1 without a penny in my pocket to pay for my lodging1 or knowing what would become of me4 ,i found myself extremely hungry--setting1 therefore1 a good face on the matter1 ,i ordered supper1 made my meal1 went to bed without thought and slept with great composure4 ,in the morning1 having breakfasted and reckoned with my host1 ,i offered to leave my waistcoat in pledge for seven batz1 which was the amount of my expenses4 ,the honest man refused this1 saying1 thank ,heaven1 he had never stripped any one1 and would not now begin for seven batz1 adding ,i should keep my waistcoat and pay him when ,i could4 ,i was affected with this unexpected kindness1 but felt it less than ,i ought to have done1 or have since experienced on the remembrance of it4 ,i did not fail sending him his money1 with thanks1 by one ,i could depend on4 ,fifteen years after1 passing ,lausanne1 on my return from ,italy1 ,i felt a sensible regret at having forgotten the name of the landlord and house4 ,i wished to see him1 and should have felt real pleasure in recalling to his memory that worthy action4 ,services which doubtless have been much more important1 but rendered with ostentation1 have not appeared to me so worthy of gratitude as the simple unaffected humanity of this honest man4 ,as ,i approached ,lausanne1 ,i thought of my distress1 and the means of extricating myself1 without appearing in want to my step-mother4 ,i compared myself1 in this walking pilgrimage1 to my friend ,venture1 on his arrival at ,annecy1 and was so warmed with the idea1 that without recollecting that ,i had neither his gentility nor his talents1 ,i determined to act the part of little ,venture at ,lausanne1 to teach music1 which ,i did not understand1 and say ,i came from ,paris1 where ,i had never been4 ,in consequence of this noble project 7as there was no company where ,i could introduce myself without expense1 and not choosing to venture among professional people71 ,i inquired for some little inn1 where ,i could lodge cheap1 and was directed to one named ,perrotet1 who took in boarders4 ,this ,perrotet1 who was one of the best men in the world1 received me very kindly1 and after having heard my feigned story and profession1 promised to speak of me1 and endeavored to procure me scholars1 saying he should not expect any money till ,i had earned it4 ,his price for board1 though moderate in itself1 was a great deal to me2 he advised me1 therefore1 to begin with half board1 which consisted of good soup only for dinner1 but a plentiful supper at night4 ,i closed with this proposition1 and the poor ,perrotet trusted me with great cheerfulness1 sparing1 meantime1 no trouble to be useful to me4 ,having found so many good people in my youth1 why do ,i find so few in my age8 ,is their race extinct8 ,no2 but ,i do not seek them in the same situation ,i did formerly1 among the commonality1 where violent passions predominate only at intervals1 and where nature speaks her genuine sentiments4 ,in more elevated stations they are entirely smothered1 and under the mask of sentiment1 only interest or vanity is heard4 ,having written to my father from ,lausanne1 he sent my packet and some excellent advice1 of which ,i should have profited better4 ,i have already observed that ,i have moments of inconceivable delirium1 in which ,i am entirely out of myself4 ,the adventure ,i am about to relate is an instance of this3 to comprehend how completely my brain was turned1 and to what degree ,i had ',venturised' 7if ,i may be allowed the expression71 the many extravagances ,i ran into at the same time should be considered4 ,behold me1 then1 a singing master1 without knowing how to note a common song2 for if the five or six months passed with ,le ,maitre had improved me1 they could not be supposed sufficient to qualify me for such an undertaking2 besides1 being taught by a master was enough 7as ,i have before observed7 to make me learn ill4 ,being a ,parisian from ,geneva1 and a ,catholic in a ,protestant country1 ,i thought ,i should change my name with my religion and country1 still approaching as near as possible to the great model ,i had in view4 ,he called himself ,venture de ,villeneuve4 ,i changed1 by anagram1 the name ,rousseau into that of ,vaussore1 calling myself ,monsieur ,vaussore de ,villeneuve4 ,venture was a good composer1 though he had not said so2 without knowing anything of the art1 ,i boasted of my skill to every one4 ,this was not all3 being presented to ,monsieur de ,freytorens1 professor of law1 who loved music1 and who gave concerts at his house1 nothing would do but ,i must give him a proof of my talents1 and accordingly ,i set about composing a piece for his concerts1 as boldly as if ,i had really understood the science4 ,i had the constancy to labor a fortnight at this curious business1 to copy it fair1 write out the different parts1 and distribute them with as much assurance as if they had been masterpieces of harmony2 in short 7what will hardly be believed1 though strictly true71 ,i tacked a very pretty minuet to the end of it1 that was commonly played about the streets1 and which many may remember from these words1 so well known at that time3 ,quel caprice6 ,quelle injustice6 ,quoi6 ta ,clarice ,trahirait tes feux6 'c4 ,venture had taught me this air with the bass1 set to other words1 by the help of which ,i had retained it3 thus at the end of my composition1 ,i put this minuet and bass1 suppressing the words1 and uttering it for my own as confidently as if ,i had been speaking to the inhabitants of the moon4 ,they assembled to perform my piece2 ,i explain to each the movement1 taste of execution1 and references to his part--,i was fully occupied4 ,they were five or six minutes preparing1 which were for me so many ages3 at length1 everything is adjusted1 myself in a conspicuous situation1 a fine roll of paper in my hand1 gravely preparing to beat time4 ,i gave four or five strokes with my paper1 attending with take care6 they begin--,no1 never since ,french operas existed was there such a confused discord6 ,the minuet1 however1 presently put all the company in good humor2 hardly was it begun1 before ,i heard bursts of laughter from all parts1 every one congratulated me on my pretty taste for music1 declaring this minuet would make me spoken of1 and that ,i merited the loudest praise4 ,it is not necessary to describe my uneasiness1 or to own how much ,i deserved it4 ,next day1 one of the musicians1 named ,lutold1 came to see me and was kind enough to congratulate me on my success4 ,the profound conviction of my folly1 shame1 regret1 and the state of despair to which ,i was reduced1 with the impossibility of concealing the cruel agitation of my heart1 made me open it to him2 giving1 therefore1 a loose to my tears1 not content with owning my ignorance1 ,i told all1 conjuring him to secrecy2 he kept his word1 as every one will suppose4 ,the same evening1 all ,lausanne knew who ,i was1 but what is remarkable1 no one seemed to know1 not even the good ,perrotet1 who 7notwithstanding what had happened7 continued to lodge and board me4 ,i led a melancholy life here2 the consequences of such an essay had not rendered ,lausanne a very agreeable residence4 ,scholars did not present themselves in crowds1 not a single female1 and not a person of the city4 ,i had only two or three great dunces1 as stupid as ,i was ignorant1 who fatigued me to death1 and in my hands were not likely to edify much4 ,at length1 ,i was sent for to a house1 where a little serpent of a girl amused herself by showing me a parcel of music that ,i could not read a note of1 and which she had the malice to sing before her master1 to teach him how it should be executed2 for ,i was so unable to read an air at first sight1 that in the charming concert ,i have just described1 ,i could not possibly follow the execution a moment1 or know whether they played truly what lay before them1 and ,i myself had composed4 ,in the midst of so many humiliating circumstances1 ,i had the pleasing consolation1 from time to time1 of receiving letters from my two charming friends4 ,i have ever found the utmost consolatory virtue in the fair2 when in disgrace1 nothing softens my affliction more than to be sensible that an amiable woman is interested for me4 ,this correspondence ceased soon after1 and was never renewed3 indeed it was my own fault1 for in changing situations ,i neglected sending my address1 and forced by necessity to think perpetually of myself1 ,i soon forgot them4 ,it is a long time since ,i mentioned ,madam de ,warens1 but it should not be supposed ,i had forgotten her2 never was she a moment absent from my thoughts4 ,i anxiously wished to find her1 not merely because she was necessary to my subsistence1 but because she was infinitely more necessary to my heart4 ,my attachment to her 7though lively and tender1 as it really was7 did not prevent my loving others1 but then it was not in the same manner4 ,all equally claimed my tenderness for their charms1 but it was those charms alone ,i loved1 my passion would not have survived them1 while ,madam de ,warens might have become old or ugly without my loving her the less tenderly4 ,my heart had entirely transmitted to herself the homage it first paid to her beauty1 and whatever change she might experience1 while she remained herself1 my sentiments could not change4 ,i was sensible how much gratitude ,i owed to her1 but in truth1 ,i never thought of it1 and whether she served me or not1 it would ever have been the same thing4 ,i loved her neither from duty1 interest1 nor convenience2 ,i loved her because ,i was born to love her4 ,during my attachment to another1 ,i own this affection was in some measure deranged2 ,i did not think so frequently of her1 but still with the same pleasure1 and never1 in love or otherwise1 did ,i think of her without feeling that ,i could expect no true happiness in life while in a state of separation4 ,though in so long a time ,i had received no news from ,madam de ,warens1 ,i never imagined ,i had entirely lost her1 or that she could have forgotten me4 ,i said to myself1 she will know sooner or later that ,i am wandering about1 and will find some means to inform me of her situation3 ,i am certain ,i shall find her4 ,in the meantime1 it was a pleasure to live in her native country1 to walk in the streets where she had walked1 and before the houses that she had lived in2 yet all this was the work of conjecture1 for one of my foolish peculiarities was1 not daring to inquire after her1 or even pronounce her name without the most absolute necessity4 ,it seemed in speaking of her that ,i declared all ,i felt1 that my lips revealed the secrets of my heart1 and in some degree injured the object of my affection4 ,i believe fear was likewise mingled with this idea2 ,i dreaded to hear ill of her4 ,her management had been much spoken of1 and some little of her conduct in other respects2 fearing1 therefore1 that something might be said which ,i did not wish to hear1 ,i preferred being silent on the subject4 ,as my scholars did not take up much of my time1 and the town where she was born was not above four leagues from ,lausanne1 ,i made it a walk of three or four days2 during which time a most pleasant emotion never left me4 ,a view of the lake of ,geneva and its admirable banks1 had ever1 in my idea1 a particular attraction which ,i cannot describe2 not arising merely from the beauty of the prospect1 but something else1 ,i know not why1 more interesting1 which affects and softens me4 ,every time ,i have approached the ,vaudois country ,i have experienced an impression composed of the remembrance of ,madam de ,warens1 who was born there2 of my father1 who lived there2 of ,miss ,vulson1 who had been my first love1 and of several pleasant journeys ,i had made there in my childhood1 mingled with some nameless charm1 more powerfully attractive than all the rest4 ,when that ardent desire for a life of happiness and tranquility 7which ever follows me1 and for which ,i was born7 inflames my mind1 'tis ever to the country of ,vaud1 near the lake1 in those charming plains1 that imagination leads me4 ,an orchard on the banks of that lake1 and no other1 is absolutely necessary2 a firm friend1 an amiable woman1 a cow1 and a little boat2 nor could ,i enjoy perfect happiness on earth without these concomitants4 ,i laugh at the simplicity with which ,i have several times gone into that country for the sole purpose of seeking this imaginary happiness when ,i was ever surprised to find the inhabitants1 particularly the women1 of a quite different disposition to what ,i sought4 ,how strange did this appear to me6 ,the country and people who inhabit it1 were never1 in my idea1 formed for each other4 ,walking along these beautiful banks1 on my way to ,vevay1 ,i gave myself up to the soft melancholy2 my heart rushed with ardor into a thousand innocent felicities2 melting to tenderness1 ,i sighed and wept like a child4 ,how often1 stopping to weep more at my ease1 and seated on a large stone1 did ,i amuse myself with seeing my tears drop into the water4 ,on my arrival at ,vevay1 ,i lodged at the ,key1 and during the two days ,i remained there1 without any acquaintance1 conceived a love for that city1 which has followed me through all my travels1 and was finally the cause that ,i fixed on this spot1 in the novel ,i afterwards wrote1 for the residence of my hero and heroines4 ,i would say to any one who has taste and feeling1 go to ,vevay1 visit the surrounding country1 examine the prospects1 go on the lake and then say1 whether nature has not designed this country for a ,julia1 a ,clara1 and a ,st4 ,preux2 but do not seek them there4 ,i now return to my story4 ,giving myself out for a ,catholic1 ,i followed without mystery or scruple the religion ,i had embraced4 ,on a ,sunday1 if the weather was fine1 ,i went to hear mass at ,assans1 a place two leagues distant from ,lausanne1 and generally in company with other ,catholics1 particularly a ,parisian embroiderer1 whose name ,i have forgotten4 ,not such a ,parisian as myself1 but a real native of ,paris1 an arch-,parisian from his maker1 yet honest as a peasant4 ,he loved his country so well1 that he would not doubt my being his countryman1 for fear he should not have so much occasion to speak of it4 ,the lieutenant-governor1 ,m4 de ,crouzas1 had a gardener1 who was likewise from ,paris1 but not so complaisant2 he thought the glory of his country concerned1 when any one claimed that honor who was not really entitled to it2 he put questions to me1 therefore1 with an air and tone1 as if certain to detect me in a falsehood1 and once1 smiling malignantly1 asked what was remarkable in the ',marcheneuf'8 ,it may be supposed ,i asked the question2 but ,i have since passed twenty years at ,paris1 and certainly know that city1 yet was the same question repeated at this day1 ,i should be equally embarrassed to answer it1 and from this embarrassment it might be concluded ,i had never been there3 thus1 even when we meet with truths1 we are subject to build our opinions on circumstances1 which may easily deceive us4 ,i formed no ideas1 while at ,lausanne1 that were worth recollecting1 nor can ,i say exactly how long ,i remained there2 ,i only know that not finding sufficient to subsist on1 ,i went from thence to ,neuchatel1 where ,i passed the winter4 ,here ,i succeeded better1 ,i got some scholars1 and saved enough to pay my good friend ,perrotet1 who had faithfully sent my baggage1 though at that time ,i was considerably in his debt4 ,by continuing to teach music1 ,i insensibly gained some knowledge of it4 ,the life ,i led was sufficiently agreeable1 and any reasonable man might have been satisfied1 but my unsettled heart demanded something more4 ,on ,sundays1 or whenever ,i had leisure1 ,i wandered1 sighing and thoughtful1 about the adjoining woods1 and when once out of the city never returned before night4 ,one day1 being at ,boudry1 ,i went to dine at a public-house1 where ,i saw a man with a long beard1 dressed in a violet-colored ,grecian habit1 with a fur cap1 and whose air and manner were rather noble4 ,this person found some difficulty in making himself understood1 speaking only an unintelligible jargon1 which bore more resemblance to ,italian than any other language4 ,i understood almost all he said1 and ,i was the only person present who could do so1 for he was obliged to make his request known to the landlord and others about him by signs4 ,on my speaking a few words in ,italian1 which he perfectly understood1 he got up and embraced me with rapture2 a connection was soon formed1 and from that moment1 ,i became his interpreter4 ,his dinner was excellent1 mine rather worse than indifferent1 he gave me an invitation to dine with him1 which ,i accepted without much ceremony4 ,drinking and chatting soon rendered us familiar1 and by the end of the repast we had all the disposition in the world to become inseparable companions4 ,he informed me he was a ,greek prelate1 and ',archimandrite' of ,jerusalem2 that he had undertaken to make a gathering in ,europe for the reestablishment of the ,holy ,sepulchre1 and showed me some very fine patents from the czarina1 the emperor1 and several other sovereigns4 ,he was tolerably content with what he had collected hitherto1 though he had experienced inconceivable difficulties in ,germany2 for not understanding a word of ,german1 ,latin1 or ,french1 he had been obliged to have recourse to his ,greek1 ,turkish ,lingua ,franca1 which did not procure him much in the country he was travelling through2 his proposal1 therefore1 to me was1 that ,i should accompany him in the quality of secretary and interpreter4 ,in spite of my violet-colored coat1 which accorded well enough with the proposed employment1 he guessed from my meagre appearance1 that ,i should easily be gained2 and he was not mistaken4 ,the bargain was soon made1 ,i demanded nothing1 and he promised liberally2 thus1 without any security or knowledge of the person ,i was about to serve1 ,i gave myself up entirely to his conduct1 and the next day behold me on an expedition to ,jerusalem4 ,we began our expedition unsuccessfully by the canton of ,fribourg4 ,episcopal dignity would not suffer him to play the beggar1 or solicit help from private individuals2 but we presented his commission to the ,senate1 who gave him a trifling sum4 ,from thence we went to ,berne1 where we lodged at the ,falcon1 then a good inn1 and frequented by respectable company2 the public table being well supplied and numerously attended4 ,i had fared indifferently so long1 that ,i was glad to make myself amends1 therefore took care to profit by the present occasion4 ,my lord1 the ,archimandrite1 was himself an excellent companion1 loved good cheer1 was gay1 spoke well for those who understood him1 and knew perfectly well how to make the most of his ,grecian erudition4 ,one day1 at dessert while cracking nuts1 he cut his finger pretty deeply1 and as it bled freely showed it to the company1 saying with a laugh1 ,mirate1 signori2 questo a sangue ,pelasgo4 ,at ,berne1 ,i was not useless to him1 nor was my performance so bad as ,i had feared3 ,i certainly spoke better and with more confidence than ,i could have done for myself4 ,matters were not conducted here with the same simplicity as at ,fribourg2 long and frequent conferences were necessary with the ,premiers of the ,state1 and the examination of his titles was not the work of a day2 at length1 everything being adjusted1 he was admitted to an audience by the ,senate2 ,i entered with him as interpreter1 and was ordered to speak4 ,i expected nothing less1 for it never entered my mind1 that after such long and frequent conferences with the members1 it was necessary to address the assembly collectively1 as if nothing had been said4 ,judge my embarrassment6--a man so bashful to speak1 not only in public1 but before the whole of the ,senate of ,berne6 to speak impromptu1 without a single moment for recollection2 it was enough to annihilate me--,i was not even intimidated4 ,i described distinctly and clearly the commission of the ,archimandrite2 extolled the piety of those princes who had contributed1 and to heighten that of their excellencies by emulation1 added that less could not be expected from their well-known munificence2 then1 endeavoring to prove that this good work was equally interesting to all ,christians1 without distinction of sect2 and concluded by promising the benediction of ,heaven to all those who took part in it4 ,i will not say that my discourse was the cause of our success1 but it was certainly well received2 and on our quitting the ,archimandrite was gratified by a very genteel present1 to which some very handsome compliments were added on the understanding of his secretary2 these ,i had the agreeable office of interpreting2 but could not take courage to render them literally4 ,this was the only time in my life that ,i spoke in public1 and before a sovereign2 and the only time1 perhaps1 that ,i spoke boldly and well4 ,what difference in the disposition of the same person4 ,three years ago1 having been to see my old friend1 ,m4 ,roguin1 at ,yverdon1 ,i received a deputation to thank me for some books ,i had presented to the library of that city2 the ,swiss are great speakers2 these gentlemen1 accordingly1 made me a long harangue1 which ,i thought myself obliged in honor to answer1 but so embarrassed myself in the attempt1 that my head became confused1 ,i stopped short1 and was laughed at4 ,though naturally timid1 ,i have sometimes acted with confidence in my youth1 but never in my advanced age3 the more ,i have seen of the world the less ,i have been able to adapt its manners4 ,on leaving ,berne1 we went to ,soleurre3 the ,archimandrite designing to re-enter ,germany1 and return through ,hungary or ,poland to his own country4 ,this would have been a prodigious tour2 but as the contents of his purse rather increased than diminished during his journey1 he was in no haste to return4 ,for me1 who was almost as much pleased on horseback as on foot1 ,i would have desired no better than to have travelled thus during my whole life2 but it was pre-ordained that my journey should soon end4 ,the first thing we did after our arrival at ,soleurre1 was to pay our respects to the ,french ambassador there4 ,unfortunately for my bishop1 this chanced to be the ,marquis de ,bonac1 who had been ambassador at the ,porte1 and was acquainted with every particular relative to the ,holy ,sepulchre4 ,the ,archimandrite had an audience that lasted about a quarter of an hour1 to which ,i was not admitted1 as the ambassador spoke ,french and ,italian at least as well as myself4 ,on my ,grecian's retiring1 ,i was prepared to follow him1 but was detained3 it was now my turn4 ,having called myself a ,parisian1 as such1 ,i was under the jurisdiction of his excellency3 he therefore asked me who ,i was8 exhorting me to tell the truth2 this ,i promised to do1 but entreated a private audience1 which was immediately granted4 ,the ambassador took me to his closet1 and shut the door2 there1 throwing myself at his feet1 ,i kept my word1 nor should ,i have said less1 had ,i promised nothing1 for a continual wish to unbosom myself1 puts my heart perpetually upon my lips4 ,after having disclosed myself without reserve to the musician ,lutold1 there was no occasion to attempt acting the mysterious with the ,marquis de ,bonac1 who was so well pleased with my little history1 and the ingenuousness with which ,i had related it1 that he led me to the ambassadress1 and presented me1 with an abridgment of my recital4 ,madam de ,bonac received me kindly1 saying1 ,i must not be suffered to follow that ,greek monk4 ,it was accordingly resolved that ,i should remain at their hotel till something better could be done for me4 ,i wished to bid adieu to my poor ,archimandrite1 for whom ,i had conceived an attachment1 but was not permitted2 they sent him word that ,i was to be detained there1 and in quarter of an hour after1 ,i saw my little bundle arrive4 ,m4 de la ,martiniere1 secretary of the embassy1 had in a manner the care of me2 while following him to the chamber appropriated to my use1 he said1 ,this apartment was occupied under the ,count de ,luc1 by a celebrated man of the same name as yourself2 it is in your power to succeed him in every respect1 and cause it to be said hereafter1 ,rousseau the ,first1 ,rousseau the ,second4 ,this similarity which ,i did not then expect1 would have been less flattering to my wishes could ,i have foreseen at what price ,i should one day purchase the distinction4 ,what ,m4 de la ,martiniere had said excited my curiosity2 ,i read the works of the person whose chamber ,i occupied1 and on the strength of the compliment that had been paid me 7imagining ,i had a taste for poetry7 made my first essay in a cantata in praise of ,madam de ,bonac4 ,this inclination was not permanent1 though from time to time ,i have composed tolerable verses4 ,i think it is a good exercise to teach elegant turns of expression1 and to write well in prose1 but could never find attractions enough in ,french poetry to give entirely in to it4 ,m4 de la ,martiniere wished to see my style1 and asked me to write the detail ,i had before made the ambassador2 accordingly ,i wrote him a long letter1 which ,i have since been informed was preserved by ,m4 de ,marianne1 who had long been attached to the ,marquis de ,bonac1 and has since succeeded ,m4 de ,martiniere as secretary to the embassy of ,m4 de ,courtellies4 ,the experience ,i began to acquire tended to moderate my romantic projects2 for example1 ,i did not fall in love with ,madam de ,bonac1 but also felt ,i did not stand much chance of succeeding in the service of her husband4 ,m4 de la ,martiniere was already in the only place that could have satisfied my ambition1 and ,m4 de ,marianne in expectancy3 thus my utmost hopes could only aspire to the office of under secretary1 which did not infinitely tempt me3 this was the reason that when consulted on the situation ,i should like to be placed in1 ,i expressed a great desire to go to ,paris4 ,the ambassador readily gave in to the idea1 which at least tended to disembarrass him of me4 ,m4 de ,merveilleux1 interpreting secretary to the embassy1 said1 that his friend1 ,m4 ,godard1 a ,swiss colonel1 in the service of ,france1 wanted a person to be with his nephew1 who had entered very young into the service1 and made no doubt that ,i should suit him4 ,on this idea1 so lightly formed1 my departure was determined2 and ,i1 who saw a long journey to perform with ,paris at the end of it1 was enraptured with the project4 ,they gave me several letters1 a hundred livres to defray the expenses of my journey1 accompanied with some good advice1 and thus equipped ,i departed4 ,i was a fortnight making the journey1 which ,i may reckon among the happiest days of my life4 ,i was young1 in perfect health1 with plenty of money1 and the most brilliant hopes1 add to this1 ,i was on foot1 and alone4 ,it may appear strange1 ,i should mention the latter circumstance as advantageous1 if my peculiarity of temper is not already familiar to the reader4 ,i was continually occupied with a variety of pleasing chimeras1 and never did the warmth of my imagination produce more magnificent ones4 ,when offered an empty place in a carriage1 or any person accosted me on the road1 how vexed was ,i to see that fortune overthrown1 whose edifice1 while walking1 ,i had taken such pains to rear4 ,for once my ideas were all martial3 ,i was going to live with a military man2 nay1 to become one1 for it was concluded ,i should begin with being a cadet4 ,i already fancied myself in regimentals1 with a fine white feather nodding on my hat1 and my heart was inflamed by the noble idea4 ,i had some smattering of geometry and fortification2 my uncle was an engineer2 ,i was in a manner a soldier by inheritance4 ,my short sight1 indeed1 presented some little obstacle1 but did not by any means discourage me1 as ,i reckoned to supply that defect by coolness and intrepidity4 ,i had read1 too1 that ,marshal ,schomberg was remarkably shortsighted1 and why might not ,marshal ,rousseau be the same8 ,my imagination was so warm by these follies1 that it presented nothing but troops1 ramparts1 gabions1 batteries1 and myself in the midst of fire and smoke1 an eyeglass in hand1 commanding with the utmost tranquility4 ,notwithstanding1 when the country presented a delightful prospect1 when ,i saw charming groves and rivulets1 the pleasing sight made me sigh with regret1 and feel1 in the midst of all this glory1 that my heart was not formed for such havoc2 and soon without knowing how1 ,i found my thoughts wandering among my dear sheep-folds1 renouncing forever the labor of ,mars4 ,how much did ,paris disappoint the idea ,i had formed of it6 ,the exterior decorations ,i had seen at ,turin1 the beauty of the streets1 the symmetry and regularity of the houses1 contributed to this disappointment1 since ,i concluded that ,paris must be infinitely superior4 ,i had figured to myself a splendid city1 beautiful as large1 of the most commanding aspect1 whose streets were ranges of magnificent palaces1 composed of marble and gold4 ,on entering the faubourg ,st4 ,marceau1 ,i saw nothing but dirty stinking streets1 filthy black houses1 an air of slovenliness and poverty1 beggars1 carters1 butchers1 cries of tisane and old hats4 ,this struck me so forcibly1 that all ,i have since seen of real magnificence in ,paris could never erase this first impression1 which has ever given me a particular disgust to residing in that capital2 and ,i may say1 the whole time ,i remained there afterwards1 was employed in seeking resources which might enable me to live at a distance from it4 ,this is the consequence of too lively imagination1 which exaggerates even beyond the voice of fame1 and ever expects more than is told4 ,i have heard ,paris so flatteringly described1 that ,i pictured it like the ancient ,babylon1 which1 perhaps1 had ,i seen1 ,i might have found equally faulty1 and unlike that idea the account had conveyed4 ,the same thing happened at the ,opera-house1 to which ,i hastened the day after my arrival6 ,i was sensible of the same deficiency at ,versailles6 and some time after on viewing the sea4 ,i am convinced this would ever be the consequence of a too flattering description of any object2 for it is impossible for man1 and difficult even for nature herself1 to surpass the riches of my imagination4 ,by the reception ,i met with from all those to whom my letters were addressed1 ,i thought my fortune was certainly made4 ,the person who received me the least kindly was ,m4 de ,surbeck1 to whom ,i had the warmest recommendation4 ,he had retired from the service1 and lived philosophically at ,bagneux1 where ,i waited on him several times without his offering me even a glass of water4 ,i was better received by ,madam de ,merveilleux1 sister-in-law to the interpreter1 and by his nephew1 who was an officer in the guards4 ,the mother and son not only received me kindly1 but offered me the use of their table1 which favor ,i frequently accepted during my stay at ,paris4 ,madam de ,merveilleux appeared to have been handsome2 her hair was of a fine black1 which1 according to the old mode1 she wore curled on the temples4 ,she still retained 7what do not perish with a set of features7 the beauties of an amiable mind4 ,she appeared satisfied with mine1 and did all she could to render me service2 but no one seconded her endeavors1 and ,i was presently undeceived in the great interest they had seemed to take in my affairs4 ,i must1 however1 do the ,french nation the justice to say1 they do not so exhaust themselves with protestations1 as some have represented1 and that those they make are usually sincere2 but they have a manner of appearing interested in your affairs1 which is more deceiving than words4 ,the gross compliments of the ,swiss can only impose upon fools2 the manners of the ,french are more seducing1 and at the same time so simple1 that you are persuaded they do not express all they mean to do for you1 in order that you may be the more agreeably surprised4 ,i will say more2 they are not false in their protestations1 being naturally zealous to oblige1 humane1 benevolent1 and even 7whatever may be said to the contrary7 more sincere than any other nation2 but they are too flighty3 in effect they feel the sentiments they profess for you1 but that sentiment flies off as instantaneously as it was formed4 ,in speaking to you1 their whole attention is employed on you alone1 when absent you are forgotten4 ,nothing is permanent in their hearts1 all is the work of the moment4 ,thus ,i was greatly flattered1 but received little service4 ,colonel ,godard1 for whose nephew ,i was recommended1 proved to be an avaricious old wretch1 who1 on seeing my distress 7though he was immensely rich71 wished to have my services for nothing1 meaning to place me with his nephew1 rather as a valet without wages than a tutor4 ,he represented that as ,i was to be continually engaged with him1 ,i should be excused from duty1 and might live on my cadet's allowance2 that is to say1 on the pay of a soldier3 hardly would he consent to give me a uniform1 thinking the clothing of the army might serve4 ,madam de ,merveilleux1 provoked at his proposals1 persuaded me not to accept them2 her son was of the same opinion2 something else was to be thought on1 but no situation was procured4 ,meantime1 ,i began to be necessitated2 for the hundred livres with which ,i had commenced my journey could not last much longer2 happily1 ,i received a small remittance from the ambassador1 which was very serviceable1 nor do ,i think he would have abandoned me had ,i possessed more patience2 but languishing1 waiting1 soliciting1 are to me impossible3 ,i was disheartened1 displeased1 and thus all my brilliant expectations came once more to nothing4 ,i had not all this time forgotten my dear ,madam de ,warens1 but how was ,i to find her8 ,where should ,i seek her8 ,madam de ,merveilleux1 who knew my story1 assisted me in the search1 but for a long time unavailingly2 at length1 she informed me that ,madam de ,warens had set out from ,paris about two months before1 but it was not known whether for ,savoy or ,turin1 and that some conjectured she was gone to ,switzerland4 ,nothing further was necessary to fix my determination to follow her1 certain that wherever she might be1 ,i stood more chance of finding her at those places than ,i could possibly do at ,paris4 ,before my departure1 ,i exercised my new poetical talent in an epistle to ,colonel ,godard1 whom ,i ridiculed to the utmost of my abilities4 ,i showed this scribble to ,madam de ,merveilleux1 who1 instead of discouraging me1 as she ought to have done1 laughed heartily at my sarcasms1 as well as her son1 who1 ,i believe1 did not like ,m4 ,godard2 indeed1 it must be confessed1 he was a man not calculated to obtain affection4 ,i was tempted to send him my verses1 and they encouraged me in it2 accordingly ,i made them up in a parcel directed to him1 and there being no post then at ,paris by which ,i could conveniently send this1 ,i put it in my pocket1 and sent it to him from ,auxerre1 as ,i passed through that place4 ,i laugh1 even yet1 sometimes1 at the grimaces ,i fancy he made on reading this panegyric1 where he was certainly drawn to the life2 it began thus3 ,tu croyois1 vieux ,penard1 qu' une folle manie ,d' elever ton neveu m'inspireroit l'envie4 ,this little piece1 which1 it is true1 was but indifferently written2 did not want for salt1 and announced a turn for satire2 it is1 notwithstanding1 the only satirical writing that ever came from my pen4 ,i have too little hatred in my heart to take advantage of such a talent2 but ,i believe it may be judged from those controversies1 in which from time to time ,i have been engaged in my own defence1 that had ,i been of a vindictive disposition1 my adversaries would rarely have had the laughter on their side4 ,what ,i most regret1 is not having kept a journal of my travels1 being conscious that a number of interesting details have slipped my memory2 for never did ,i exist so completely1 never live so thoroughly1 never was so much myself1 if ,i dare use the expression1 as in those journeys made on foot4 ,walking animates and enlivens my spirits2 ,i can hardly think when in a state of inactivity2 my body must be exercised to make my judgment active4 ,the view of a fine country1 a succession of agreeable prospects1 a free air1 a good appetite1 and the health ,i gained by walking2 the freedom of inns1 and the distance from everything that can make me recollect the dependence of my situation1 conspire to free my soul1 and give boldness to my thoughts1 throwing me1 in a manner1 into the immensity of beings1 where ,i combine1 choose and appropriate them to my fancy1 without constraint or fear4 ,i dispose of all nature as ,i please2 my heart wandering from object to object1 approximates and unites with those that please it1 is surrounded by charming images1 and becomes intoxicated with delicious sensations4 ,if1 attempting to render these permanent1 ,i am amused in describing to myself1 what glow of coloring1 what energy of expression1 do ,i give them6--,it has been said1 that all these are to be found in my works1 though written in the decline of life4 ,oh6 had those of my early youth been seen1 those made during my travels1 composed1 but never written6--,why did ,i not write them8 will be asked2 and why should ,i have written them8 ,i may answer4 ,why deprive myself of the actual charm of my enjoyments to inform others what ,i enjoyed8 ,what to me were readers1 the public1 or all the world1 while ,i was mounting the empyrean4 ,besides1 did ,i carry pens1 paper and ink with me8 ,had ,i recollected all these1 not a thought would have occurred worth preserving4 ,i do not foresee when ,i shall have ideas2 they come when they please1 and not when ,i call for them2 either they avoid me altogether1 or rushing in crowds1 overwhelm me with their force and number4 ,ten volumes a day would not suffice barely to enumerate my thoughts2 how then should ,i find time to write them8 ,in stopping1 ,i thought of nothing but a hearty dinner2 on departing1 of nothing but a charming walk2 ,i felt that a new paradise awaited me at the door1 and eagerly leaped forward to enjoy it4 ,never did ,i experience this so feelingly as in the perambulation ,i am now describing4 ,on coming to ,paris1 ,i had confined myself to ideas which related to the situation ,i expected to occupy there4 ,i had rushed into the career ,i was about to run1 and should have completed it with tolerable eclat1 but it was not that my heart adhered to4 ,some real beings obscured my imagined ones--,colonel ,godard and his nephew could not keep pace with a hero of my disposition4 ,thank ,heaven1 ,i was soon delivered from all these obstacles1 and could enter at pleasure into the wilderness of chimeras1 for that alone remained before me1 and ,i wandered in it so completely that ,i several times lost my way2 but this was no misfortune1 ,i would not have shortened it1 for1 feeling with regret1 as ,i approached ,lyons1 that ,i must again return to the material world1 ,i should have been glad never to have arrived there4 ,one day1 among others1 having purposely gone out of my way to take a nearer view of a spot that appeared delightful1 ,i was so charmed with it1 and wandered round it so often1 that at length ,i completely lost myself1 and after several hours' useless walking1 weary1 fainting with hunger and thirst1 ,i entered a peasant's hut1 which had not indeed a very promising appearance1 but was the only one ,i could discover near me4 ,i thought it was here1 as at ,geneva1 or in ,switzerland1 where the inhabitants1 living at ease1 have it in their power to exercise hospitality4 ,i entreated the countryman to give me some dinner1 offering to pay for it3 on which he presented me with some skimmed milk and coarse barley-bread1 saying it was all he had4 ,i drank the milk with pleasure1 and ate the bread1 chaff and all2 but it was not very restorative to a man sinking with fatigue4 ,the countryman1 who watched me narrowly1 judged the truth of my story by my appetite1 and presently 7after having said that he plainly saw ,i was an honest1 good-natured young man1 and did not come to betray him7 opened a little trap door by the side of his kitchen1 went down1 and returned a moment after with a good brown loaf of pure wheat1 the remains of a well-flavored ham1 and a bottle of wine1 the sight of which rejoiced my heart more than all the rest3 he then prepared a good thick omelet1 and ,i made such a dinner as none but a walking traveller ever enjoyed4 ,when ,i again offered to pay1 his inquietude and fears returned2 he not only would have no money1 but refused it with the most evident emotion2 and what made this scene more amusing1 ,i could not imagine the motive of his fear4 ,at length1 he pronounced tremblingly those terrible words1 ,commissioners1 and ,cellar-rats1 which he explained by giving me to understand that he concealed his wine because of the excise1 and his bread on account of the tax imposed on it2 adding1 he should be an undone man1 if it was suspected he was not almost perishing with want4 ,what he said to me on this subject 7of which ,i had not the smallest idea7 made an impression on my mind that can never be effaced1 sowing seeds of that inextinguishable hatred which has since grown up in my heart against the vexations these unhappy people suffer1 and against their oppressors4 ,this man1 though in easy circumstances1 dare not eat the bread gained by the sweat of his brow1 and could only escape destruction by exhibiting an outward appearance of misery6--,i left his cottage with as much indignation as concern1 deploring the fate of those beautiful countries1 where nature has been prodigal of her gifts1 only that they may become the prey of barbarous exactors4 ,the incident which ,i have just related1 is the only one ,i have a distinct remembrance of during this journey3 ,i recollect1 indeed1 that on approaching ,lyons1 ,i wished to prolong it by going to see the banks of the ,lignon2 for among the romances ,i had read with my father1 ,astrea was not forgotten and returned more frequently to my thoughts than any other4 ,stopping for some refreshment 7while chatting with my hostess71 ,i inquired the way to ,forez1 and was informed that country was an excellent place for mechanics1 as there were many forges1 and much iron work done there4 ,this eulogium instantly calmed my romantic curiosity1 for ,i felt no inclination to seek ,dianas and ,sylvanders among a generation of blacksmiths4 ,the good woman who encouraged me with this piece of information certainly thought ,i was a journeyman locksmith4 ,i had some view in going to ,lyons3 on my arrival1 ,i went to the ,chasattes1 to see ,mademoiselle du ,chatelet1 a friend of ,madam de ,warens1 for whom ,i had brought a letter when ,i came there with ,m4 le ,maitre1 so that it was an acquaintance already formed4 ,mademoiselle du ,chatelet informed me her friend had passed through ,lyons1 but could not tell whether she had gone on to ,piedmont1 being uncertain at her departure whether it would not be necessary to stop in ,savoy2 but if ,i choose1 she would immediately write for information1 and thought my best plan would be to remain at ,lyons till she received it4 ,i accepted this offer2 but did not tell ,mademoiselle du ,chatelet how much ,i was pressed for an answer1 and that my exhausted purse would not permit me to wait long4 ,it was not an appearance of coolness that withheld me1 on the contrary1 ,i was very kindly received1 treated on the footing of equality1 and this took from me the resolution of explaining my circumstances1 for ,i could not bear to descend from a companion to a miserable beggar4 ,i seem to have retained a very connecting remembrance of that part of my life contained in this book2 yet ,i think ,i remember1 about the same period1 another journey to ,lyons1 7the particulars of which ,i cannot recollect7 where ,i found myself much straitened1 and a confused remembrance of the extremities to which ,i was reduced does not contribute to recall the idea agreeably4 ,had ,i been like many others1 had ,i possessed the talent of borrowing and running in debt at every ale-house ,i came to1 ,i might have fared better2 but in that my incapacity equalled my repugnance1 and to demonstrate the prevalence of both1 it will be sufficient to say1 that though ,i have passed almost my whole life in indifferent circumstances1 and frequently have been near wanting bread1 ,i was never once asked for money by a creditor without having it in my power to pay it instantly2 ,i could never bear to contract clamorous debts1 and have ever preferred suffering to owing4 ,being reduced to pass my nights in the streets1 may certainly be called suffering1 and this was several times the case at ,lyons1 having preferred buying bread with the few pence ,i had remaining1 to bestowing them on a lodging2 as ,i was convinced there was less danger of dying for want of sleep than of hunger4 ,what is astonishing1 while in this unhappy situation1 ,i took no care for the future1 was neither uneasy nor melancholy1 but patiently waited an answer to ,mademoiselle du ,chatelet's letter1 and lying in the open air1 stretched on the earth1 or on a bench1 slept as soundly as if reposing on a bed of roses4 ,i remember1 particularly1 to have passed a most delightful night at some distance from the city1 in a road which had the ,rhone1 or ,soane1 ,i cannot recollect which1 on the one side1 and a range of raised gardens1 with terraces1 on the other4 ,it had been a very hot day1 the evening was delightful1 the dew moistened the fading grass1 no wind was stirring1 the air was fresh without chillness1 the setting sun had tinged the clouds with a beautiful crimson1 which was again reflected by the water1 and the trees that bordered the terrace were filled with nightingales who were continually answering each other's songs4 ,i walked along in a kind of ecstasy1 giving up my heart and senses to the enjoyment of so many delights1 and sighing only from a regret of enjoying them alone4 ,absorbed in this pleasing reverie1 ,i lengthened my walk till it grew very late1 without perceiving ,i was tired2 at length1 however1 ,i discovered it1 and threw myself on the step of a kind of niche1 or false door1 in the terrace wall4 ,how charming was the couch6 the trees formed a stately canopy1 a nightingale sat directly over me1 and with his soft notes lulled me to rest3 how pleasing my repose2 my awaking more so4 ,it was broad day2 on opening my eyes ,i saw the water1 the verdure1 and the admirable landscape before me4 ,i arose1 shook off the remains of drowsiness1 and finding ,i was hungry1 retook the way to the city1 resolving1 with inexpressible gayety1 to spend the two pieces of six francs ,i had yet remaining in a good breakfast4 ,i found myself so cheerful that ,i went all the way singing2 ,i even remember ,i sang a cantata of ,batistin's called the ,baths of ,thomery1 which ,i knew by heart4 ,may a blessing light on the good ,batistin and his good cantata1 which procured me a better breakfast than ,i had expected1 and a still better dinner which ,i did not expect at all6 ,in the midst of my singing1 ,i heard some one behind me1 and turning round perceived an ,antonine1 who followed after and seemed to listen with pleasure to my song4 ,at length accosting me1 he asked1 ,if ,i understood music4 ,i answered1 ,a little1 but in a manner to have it understood ,i knew a great deal1 and as he continued questioning of me1 related a part of my story4 ,he asked me1 ,if ,i had ever copied music8 ,i replied1 ,often1 which was true3 ,i had learned most by copying4 ,well1 continued he1 come with me1 ,i can employ you for a few days1 during which time you shall want for nothing2 provided you consent not to quit my room4 ,i acquiesced very willingly1 and followed him4 ,this ,antonine was called ,m4 ,rotichon2 he loved music1 understood it1 and sang in some little concerts with his friends2 thus far all was innocent and right1 but apparently this taste had become a furor1 part of which he was obliged to conceal4 ,he conducted me into a chamber1 where ,i found a great quantity of music3 he gave me some to copy1 particularly the cantata he had heard me singing1 and which he was shortly to sing himself4 ,i remained here three or four days1 copying all the time ,i did not eat1 for never in my life was ,i so hungry1 or better fed4 ,m4 ,rolichon brought my provisions himself from the kitchen1 and it appeared that these good priests lived well1 at least if every one fared as ,i did4 ,in my life1 ,i never took such pleasure in eating1 and it must be owned this good cheer came very opportunely1 for ,i was almost exhausted4 ,i worked as heartily as ,i ate1 which is saying a great deal2 'tis true ,i was not as correct as diligent1 for some days after1 meeting ,m4 ,rolichon in the street1 he informed me there were so many omissions1 repetitions1 and transpositions1 in the parts ,i had copied1 that they could not be performed4 ,it must be owned1 that in choosing the profession of music1 ,i hit on that ,i was least calculated for2 yet my voice was good and ,i copied neatly2 but the fatigue of long works bewilders me so much1 that ,i spend more time in altering and scratching out than in pricking down1 and if ,i do not employ the strictest attention in comparing the several parts1 they are sure to fail in the execution4 ,thus1 through endeavoring to do well1 my performance was very faulty2 for aiming at expedition1 ,i did all amiss4 ,this did not prevent ,m4 ,rolichon from treating me well to the last1 and giving me half-a-crown at my departure1 which ,i certainly did not deserve1 and which completely set me up1 for a few days after ,i received news from ,madam de ,warens1 who was at ,chambery1 with money to defray the expenses of my journey to her1 which ,i performed with rapture4 ,since then my finances have frequently been very low1 but never at such an ebb as to reduce me to fasting1 and ,i mark this period with a heart fully alive to the bounty of ,providence1 as the last of my life in which ,i sustained poverty and hunger4 ,i remained at ,lyons seven or eight days to wait for some little commissions with which ,madam de ,warens had charged ,mademoiselle du ,chatelet1 who during this interval ,i visited more assiduously than before1 having the pleasure of talking with her of her friend1 and being no longer disturbed by the cruel remembrance of my situation1 or painful endeavors to conceal it4 ,mademoiselle du ,chatelet was neither young nor handsome1 but did not want for elegance2 she was easy and obliging while her understanding gave price to her familiarity4 ,she had a taste for that kind of moral observation which leads to the knowledge of mankind1 and from her originated that study in myself4 ,she was fond of the works of ,le ,sage1 particularly ,gil ,blas1 which she lent me1 and recommended to my perusal4 ,i read this performance with pleasure1 but my judgment was not yet ripe enough to relish that sort of reading4 ,i liked romances which abounded with high-flown sentiments4 ,thus did ,i pass my time at the grate of ,mademoiselle du ,chatelet1 with as much profit as pleasure4 ,it is certain that the interesting and sensible conversation of a deserving woman is more proper to form the understanding of a young man than all the pedantic philosophy of books4 ,i got acquainted at the ,chasattes with some other boarders and their friends1 and among the rest1 with a young person of fourteen1 called ,mademoiselle ,serre1 whom ,i did not much notice at that time1 though ,i was in love with her eight or nine years afterwards1 and with great reason1 for she was a most charming girl4 ,i was fully occupied with the idea of seeing ,madam de ,warens1 and this gave some respite to my chimeras1 for finding happiness in real objects ,i was the less inclined to seek it in nonentities4 ,i had not only found her1 but also by her means1 and near her1 an agreeable situation1 having sent me word that she had procured one that would suit me1 and by which ,i should not be obliged to quit her4 ,i exhausted all my conjectures in guessing what this occupation could be1 but ,i must have possessed the art of divination to have hit it on the right4 ,i had money sufficient to make my journey agreeable3 ,mademoiselle du ,chatelet persuaded me to hire a horse1 but this ,i could not consent to1 and ,i was certainly right1 for by so doing ,i should have lost the pleasure of the last pedestrian expedition ,i ever made2 for ,i cannot give that name to those excursions ,i have frequently taken about my own neighborhood1 while ,i lived at ,motiers4 ,it is very singular that my imagination never rises so high as when my situation is least agreeable or cheerful4 ,when everything smiles around me1 ,i am least amused2 my heart cannot confine itself to realities1 cannot embellish1 but must create4 ,real objects strike me as they really are1 my imagination can only decorate ideal ones4 ,if ,i would paint the spring1 it must be in winter2 if describe a beautiful landscape1 it must be while surrounded with walls2 and ,i have said a hundred times1 that were ,i confined in the ,bastille1 ,i could draw the most enchanting picture of liberty4 ,on my departure from ,lyons1 ,i saw nothing but an agreeable future1 the content ,i now with reason enjoyed was as great as my discontent had been at leaving ,paris1 notwithstanding1 ,i had not during this journey any of those delightful reveries ,i then enjoyed4 ,my mind was serene1 and that was all2 ,i drew near the excellent friend ,i was going to see1 my heart overflowing with tenderness1 enjoying in advance1 but without intoxication1 the pleasure of living near her2 ,i had always expected this1 and it was as if nothing new had happened4 ,meantime1 ,i was anxious about the employment ,madam de ,warens had procured me1 as if that alone had been material4 ,my ideas were calm and peaceable1 not ravishing and celestial2 every object struck my sight in its natural form2 ,i observed the surrounding landscape1 remarked the trees1 the houses1 the springs1 deliberated on the cross-roads1 was fearful of losing myself1 yet did not do so2 in a word1 ,i was no longer in the empyrean1 but precisely where ,i found myself1 or sometimes perhaps at the end of my journey1 never farther4 ,i am in recounting my travels1 as ,i was in making them1 loath to arrive at the conclusion4 ,my heart beat with joy as ,i approached my dear ,madam de ,warens1 but ,i went no faster on that account4 ,i love to walk at my ease1 and stop at leisure2 a strolling life is necessary to me3 travelling on foot1 in a fine country1 with fine weather and having an agreeable object to terminate my journey1 is the manner of living of all others most suited to my taste4 ,it is already understood what ,i mean by a fine country2 never can a flat one1 though ever so beautiful1 appear such in my eyes3 ,i must have torrents1 fir trees1 black woods1 mountains to climb or descend1 and rugged roads with precipices on either side to alarm me4 ,i experienced this pleasure in its utmost extent as ,i approached ,chambery1 not far from a mountain which is called ,pas de l',echelle4 ,above the main road1 which is hewn through the rock1 a small river runs and rushes into fearful chasms1 which it appears to have been millions of ages in forming4 ,the road has been hedged by a parapet to prevent accidents1 which enabled me to contemplate the whole descent1 and gain vertigoes at pleasure2 for a great part of my amusement in these steep rocks1 is1 they cause a giddiness and swimming in my head1 which ,i am particularly fond of1 provided ,i am in safety2 leaning1 therefore1 over the parapet1 ,i remained whole hours1 catching1 from time to time1 a glance of the froth and blue water1 whose rushing caught my ear1 mingled with the cries of ravens1 and other birds of prey that flew from rock to rock1 and bush to bush1 at six hundred feet below me4 ,in places where the slope was tolerably regular1 and clear enough from bushes to let stones roll freely1 ,i went a considerable way to gather them1 bringing those ,i could but just carry1 which ,i piled on the parapet1 and then threw down one after the other1 being transported at seeing them roll1 rebound1 and fly into a thousand pieces1 before they reached the bottom of the precipice4 ,near ,chambery ,i enjoyed an equal pleasing spectacle1 though of a different kind2 the road passing near the foot of the most charming cascade ,i ever saw4 ,the water1 which is very rapid1 shoots from the top of an excessively steep mountain1 falling at such a distance from its base that you may walk between the cascade and the rock without any inconvenience2 but if not particularly careful it is easy to be deceived as ,i was1 for the water1 falling from such an immense height1 separates1 and descends in a rain as fine as dust1 and on approaching too near this cloud1 without perceiving it1 you may be wet through in an instant4 ,at length ,i arrived at ,madam de ,warens2 she was not alone1 the intendant-general was with her4 ,without speaking a word to me1 she caught my hand1 and presenting me to him with that natural grace which charmed all hearts1 said3 ,this1 sir1 is the poor young man ,i mentioned2 deign to protect him as long as he deserves it1 and ,i shall feel no concern for the remainder of his life4 ,then added1 addressing herself to me1 ,child1 you now belong to the king1 thank ,monsieur the ,intendant1 who furnishes you with the means of existence4 ,i stared without answering1 without knowing what to think of all this2 rising ambition almost turned my head2 ,i was already prepared to act the intendant myself4 ,my fortune1 however1 was not so brilliant as ,i had imagined1 but it was sufficient to maintain me1 which1 as ,i was situated1 was a capital acquisition4 ,i shall now explain the nature of my employment4 ,king ,victor ,amadeus1 judging by the event of preceding wars1 and the situation of the ancient patrimony of his fathers1 that he should not long be able to maintain it1 wished to drain it beforehand4 ,resolving1 therefore1 to tax the nobility1 he ordered a general survey of the whole country1 in order that it might be rendered more equal and productive4 ,this scheme1 which was begun under the father1 was completed by the son3 two or three hundred men1 part surveyors1 who were called geometricians1 and part writers1 who were called secretaries1 were employed in this work3 among those of the latter description ,madam de ,warens had got me appointed4 ,this post1 without being very lucrative1 furnished the means of living eligibly in that country2 the misfortune was1 this employment could not be of any great duration1 but it put me in train to procure something better1 as by this means she hoped to insure the particular protection of the intendant1 who might find me some more settled occupation before this was concluded4 ,i entered on my new employment a few days after my arrival1 and as there was no great difficulty in the business1 soon understood it2 thus1 after four or five years of unsettled life1 folly1 and suffering1 since my departure from ,geneva1 ,i began1 for the first time1 to gain my bread with credit4 ,these long details of my early youth must have appeared trifling1 and ,i am sorry for it3 though born a man1 in a variety of instances1 ,i was long a child1 and am so yet in many particulars4 ,i did not promise the public a great personage3 ,i promised to describe myself as ,i am1 and to know me in my advanced age it was necessary to have known me in my youth4 ,as1 in general1 objects that are present make less impression on me than the bare remembrance of them 7my ideas being all from recollection71 the first traits which were engraven on my mind have distinctly remained3 those which have since been imprinted there1 have rather combined with the former than effaced them4 ,there is a certain1 yet varied succession of affections and ideas1 which continue to regulate those that follow them1 and this progression must be known in order to judge rightly of those they have influenced4 ,i have studied to develop the first causes1 the better to show the concatenation of effects4 ,i would be able by some means to render my soul transparent to the eyes of the reader1 and for this purpose endeavor to show it in every possible point of view1 to give him every insight1 and act in such a manner1 that not a motion should escape him1 as by this means he may form a judgment of the principles that produce them4 ,did ,i take upon myself to decide1 and say to the reader1 ,such is my character1 he might think that if ,i did not endeavor to deceive him1 ,i at least deceived myself2 but in recounting simply all that has happened to me1 all my actions1 thoughts1 and feelings1 ,i cannot lead him into an error1 unless ,i do it wilfully1 which by this means ,i could not easily effect1 since it is his province to compare the elements1 and judge of the being they compose3 thus the result must be his work1 and if he is then deceived the error will be his own4 ,it is not sufficient for this purpose that my recitals should be merely faithful1 they must also be minute2 it is not for me to judge of the importance of facts1 ,i ought to declare them simply as they are1 and leave the estimate that is to be formed of them to him4 ,i have adhered to this principle hitherto1 with the most scrupulous exactitude1 and shall not depart from it in the continuation2 but the impressions of age are less lively than those of youth2 ,i began by delineating the latter3 should ,i recollect the rest with the same precision1 the reader1 may1 perhaps1 become weary and impatient1 but ,i shall not be dissatisfied with my labor4 ,i have but one thing to apprehend in this undertaking3 ,i do not dread saying too much1 or advancing falsities1 but ,i am fearful of not saying enough1 or concealing truths4 ,,book ,v4 ,it was1 ,i believe1 in #agcb1 that ,i arrived at ,chambery1 as already related1 and began my employment of registering land for the king4 ,i was almost twenty-one1 my mind well enough formed for my age1 with respect to sense1 but very deficient in point of judgment1 and needing every instruction from those into whose hands ,i fell1 to make me conduct myself with propriety2 for a few years' experience had not been able to cure me radically of my romantic ideas2 and notwithstanding the ills ,i had sustained1 ,i knew as little of the world1 or mankind1 as if ,i had never purchased instruction4 ,i slept at home1 that is1 at the house of ,madam de ,warens2 but it was not as at ,annecy3 here were no gardens1 no brook1 no landscape2 the house was dark and dismal1 and my apartment the most gloomy of the whole4 ,the prospect a dead wall1 an alley instead of a street1 confined air1 bad light1 small rooms1 iron bars1 rats1 and a rotten floor2 an assemblage of circumstances that do not constitute a very agreeable habitation2 but ,i was in the same house with my best friend1 incessantly near her1 at my desk1 or in chamber1 so that ,i could not perceive the gloominess of my own1 or have time to think of it4 ,it may appear whimsical that she should reside at ,chambery on purpose to live in this disagreeable house2 but it was a trait of contrivance which ,i ought not to pass over in silence4 ,she had no great inclination for a journey to ,turin1 fearing that after the recent revolutions1 and the agitation in which the court yet was1 she should not be very favorably received there2 but her affairs seemed to demand her presence1 as she feared being forgotten or ill-treated1 particularly as the ,count de ,saint-,laurent1 ,intendent-general of the ,finances1 was not in her interest4 ,he had an old house in ,chambery1 ill-built1 and standing in so disagreeable a situation that it was always untenanted2 she hired1 and settled in this house1 a plan that succeeded much better than a journey to ,turin would have done1 for her pension was not suppressed1 and the ,count de ,saint-,laurent was ever after one of her best friends4 ,her household was much on the old footing2 her faithful ,claude ,anet still remained with her4 ,he was1 as ,i have before mentioned1 a peasant of ,moutru1 who in his childhood had gathered herbs in ,jura for the purpose of making ,swiss tea2 she had taken him into her service for his knowledge of drugs1 finding it convenient to have a herbalist among her domestics4 ,passionately fond of the study of plants1 he became a real botanist1 and had he not died young1 might have acquired as much fame in that science as he deserved for being an honest man4 ,serious even to gravity1 and older than myself1 he was to me a kind of tutor1 commanding respect1 and preserving me from a number of follies1 for ,i dared not forget myself before him4 ,he commanded it likewise from his mistress1 who knew his understanding1 uprightness1 and inviolable attachment to herself1 and returned it4 ,claude ,anet was of an uncommon temper4 ,i never encountered a similar disposition3 he was slow1 deliberate1 and circumspect in his conduct2 cold in his manner2 laconic and sententious in his discourse2 yet of an impetuosity in his passions1 which 7though careful to conceal7 preyed upon him inwardly1 and urged him to the only folly he ever committed2 that folly1 indeed1 was terrible1 it was poisoning himself4 ,this tragic scene passed soon after my arrival1 and opened my eyes to the intimacy that subsisted between ,claude ,anet and his mistress1 for had not the information come from her1 ,i should never have suspected it2 yet1 surely1 if attachment1 fidelity1 and zeal1 could merit such a recompense1 it was due to him1 and what further proves him worthy such a distinction1 he never once abused her confidence4 ,they seldom disputed1 and their disagreements ever ended amicably2 one1 indeed1 was not so fortunate2 his mistress1 in a passion1 said something affronting1 which not being able to digest1 he consulted only with despair1 and finding a bottle of laudanum at hand1 drank it off2 then went peaceably to bed1 expecting to awake no more4 ,madam de ,warens herself was uneasy1 agitated1 wandering about the house and happily--finding the phial empty--guessed the rest4 ,her screams1 while flying to his assistance1 alarmed me2 she confessed all1 implored my help1 and was fortunate enough1 after repeated efforts1 to make him throw up the laudanum4 ,witness of this scene1 ,i could not but wonder at my stupidity in never having suspected the connection2 but ,claude ,anet was so discreet1 that a more penetrating observer might have been deceived4 ,their reconciliation affected me1 and added respect to the esteem ,i before felt for him4 ,from this time ,i became1 in some measure1 his pupil1 nor did ,i find myself the worse for his instruction4 ,i could not learn1 without pain1 that she lived in greater intimacy with another than with myself3 it was a situation ,i had not even thought of1 but 7which was very natural7 it hurt me to see another in possession of it4 ,nevertheless1 instead of feeling any aversion to the person who had this advantage over me1 ,i found the attachment ,i felt for her actually extend to him4 ,i desired her happiness above all things1 and since he was concerned in her plan of felicity1 ,i was content he should be happy likewise4 ,meantime he perfectly entered into the views of his mistress2 conceived a sincere friendship for me1 and without affecting the authority his situation might have entitled him to1 he naturally possessed that which his superior judgment gave him over mine4 ,i dared do nothing he disproved of1 but he was sure to disapprove only what merited disapprobation3 thus we lived in an union which rendered us mutually happy1 and which death alone could dissolve4 ,one proof of the excellence of this amiable woman's character1 is1 that all those who loved her1 loved each other2 even jealousy and rivalship submitting to the more powerful sentiment with which she inspired them1 and ,i never saw any of those who surrounded her entertain the least ill will among themselves4 ,let the reader pause a moment on this encomium1 and if he can recollect any other woman who deserves it1 let him attach himself to her1 if he would obtain happiness4 ,from my arrival at ,chambery to my departure for ,paris1 #agda1 included an interval of eight or nine years1 during which time ,i have few adventures to relate2 my life being as simple as it was agreeable4 ,this uniformity was precisely what was most wanting to complete the formation of my character1 which continual troubles had prevented from acquiring any degree of stability4 ,it was during this pleasing interval1 that my unconnected1 unfinished education1 gained consistence1 and made me what ,i have unalterably remained amid the storms with which ,i have since been surrounded4 ,the progress was slow1 almost imperceptible1 and attended by few memorable circumstances2 yet it deserves to be followed and investigated4 ,at first1 ,i was wholly occupied with my business1 the constraint of a desk left little opportunity for other thoughts1 the small portion of time ,i was at liberty was passed with my dear ,madam de ,warens1 and not having leisure to read1 ,i felt no inclination for it2 but when my business 7by daily repetition7 became familiar1 and my mind was less occupied1 study again became necessary1 and 7as my desires were ever irritated by any difficulty that opposed the indulgence of them7 might once more have become a passion1 as at my master's1 had not other inclinations interposed and diverted it4 ,though our occupation did not demand a very profound skill in arithmetic1 it sometimes required enough to puzzle me4 ,to conquer this difficulty1 ,i purchased books which treated on that science1 and learned well1 for ,i now studied alone4 ,practical arithmetic extends further than is usually supposed if you would attain exact precision4 ,there are operations of extreme length in which ,i have sometimes seen good geometricians lose themselves4 ,reflection1 assisted by practice1 gives clear ideas1 and enables you to devise shorter methods1 these inventions flatter our self-complacency1 while their exactitude satisfies our understanding1 and renders a study pleasant1 which is1 of itself1 heavy and unentertaining4 ,at length ,i became so expert as not to be puzzled by any question that was solvable by arithmetical calculation2 and even now1 while everything ,i formerly knew fades daily on my memory1 this acquirement1 in a great measure remains1 through an interval of thirty years4 ,a few days ago1 in a journey ,i made to ,davenport1 being with my host at an arithmetical lesson given his children1 ,i did 7with pleasure1 and without errors7 a most complicated work4 ,while setting down my figures1 methought ,i was still at ,chambery1 still in my days of happiness--how far had ,i to look back for them6 ,the colored plans of our geometricians had given me a taste for drawing3 accordingly ,i bought colors1 and began by attempting flowers and landscapes4 ,it was unfortunate that ,i had not talents for this art1 for my inclination was much disposed to it1 and while surrounded with crayons1 pencils1 and colors1 ,i could have passed whole months without wishing to leave them4 ,this amusement engaged me so much that they were obliged to force me from it2 and thus it is with every inclination ,i give into1 it continues to augment1 till at length it becomes so powerful1 that ,i lose sight of everything except the favorite amusement4 ,years have not been able to cure me of that fault1 nay1 have not even diminished it2 for while ,i am writing this1 behold me1 like an old dotard1 infatuated with another1 to me useless study1 which ,i do not understand1 and which even those who have devoted their youthful days to the acquisition of1 are constrained to abandon1 at the age ,i am beginning with it4 ,at that time1 the study ,i am now speaking of would have been well placed1 the opportunity was good1 and ,i had some temptation to profit by it2 for the satisfaction ,i saw in the eyes of ,anet1 when he came home loaded with new discovered plants1 set me two or three times on the point of going to herbalize with him1 and ,i am almost certain that had ,i gone once1 ,i should have been caught1 and perhaps at this day might have been an excellent botanist1 for ,i know no study more congenial to my natural inclination1 than that of plants2 the life ,i have led for these ten years past1 in the country1 being little more than a continual herbalizing1 though ,i must confess1 without object1 and without improvement2 but at the time ,i am now speaking of ,i had no inclination for botany1 nay1 ,i even despised1 and was disgusted at the idea1 considering it only as a fit study for an apothecary4 ,madam de ,warens was fond of it merely for this purpose1 seeking none but common plants to use in her medical preparations2 thus botany1 chemistry1 and anatomy were confounded in my idea under the general denomination of medicine1 and served to furnish me with pleasant sarcasms the whole day1 which procured me1 from time to time1 a box on the ear1 applied by ,madam de ,warens4 ,besides this1 a very contrary taste grew up with me1 and by degrees absorbed all others2 this was music4 ,i was certainly born for that science1 ,i loved it from my infancy1 and it was the only inclination ,i have constantly adhered to2 but it is astonishing that what nature seemed to have designed me for should have cost so much pains to learn1 and that ,i should acquire it so slowly1 that after a whole life spent in the practice of this art1 ,i could never attain to sing with any certainty at sight4 ,what rendered the study of music more agreeable to me at that time1 was1 being able to practise it with ,madam de ,warens4 ,in other respects our tastes were widely different3 this was a point of coincidence1 which ,i loved to avail myself of4 ,she had no more objection to this than myself4 ,i knew at that time almost as much of it as she did1 and after two or three efforts1 we could make shift to decipher an air4 ,sometimes1 when ,i saw her busy at her furnace1 ,i have said1 ,here now is a charming duet1 which seems made for the very purpose of spoiling your drugs2 her answer would be1 ,if you make me burn them1 ,i'll make you eat them3 thus disputing1 ,i drew her to the harpsichord2 the furnace was presently forgotten1 the extract of juniper or wormwood calcined 7which ,i cannot recollect without transport71 and these scenes usually ended by her smearing my face with the remains of them4 ,it may easily be conjectured that ,i had plenty of employment to fill up my leisure hours2 one amusement1 however1 found room1 that was well worth all the rest4 ,illustration3 #jafb ,we lived in such a confined dungeon1 that it was necessary sometimes to breathe the open air2 ,anet1 therefore1 engaged ,madam de ,warens to hire a garden in the suburbs1 both for this purpose and the convenience of rearing plants1 etc42 to this garden was added a summer-house1 which was furnished in the customary manner2 we sometimes dined1 and ,i frequently slept1 there4 ,insensibly ,i became attached to this little retreat1 decorated it with books and prints1 spending part of my time in ornamenting it during the absence of ,madam de ,warens1 that ,i might surprise her the more agreeably on her return4 ,sometimes ,i quitted this dear friend1 that ,i might enjoy the uninterrupted pleasure of thinking on her2 this was a caprice ,i can neither excuse nor fully explain1 ,i only know this really was the case1 and therefore ,i avow it4 ,i remember ,madam de ,luxembourg told me one day in raillery1 of a man who used to leave his mistress that he might enjoy the satisfaction of writing to her2 ,i answered1 ,i could have been this man2 ,i might have added1 ,that ,i had done the very same4 ,i did not1 however1 find it necessary to leave ,madam de ,warens that ,i might love her the more ardently1 for ,i was ever as perfectly free with her as when alone2 an advantage ,i never enjoyed with any other person1 man or woman1 however ,i might be attached to them2 but she was so often surrounded by company who were far from pleasing me1 that spite and weariness drove me to this asylum1 where ,i could indulge the idea1 without danger of being interrupted by impertinence4 ,thus1 my time being divided between business1 pleasure1 and instruction1 my life passed in the most absolute serenity4 ,europe was not equally tranquil3 ,france and the emperor had mutually declared war1 the ,king of ,sardinia had entered into the quarrel1 and a ,french army had filed off into ,piedmont to awe the ,milanese4 ,our division passed through ,chambery1 and1 among others1 the regiment of ,champaigne1 whose colonel was the ,duke de la ,trimouille1 to whom ,i was presented4 ,he promised many things1 but doubtless never more thought of me4 ,our little garden was exactly at the end of the suburb by which the troops entered1 so that ,i could fully satisfy my curiosity in seeing them pass1 and ,i became as anxious for the success of the war as if it had nearly concerned me4 ,till now ,i had never troubled myself about politics1 for the first time ,i began reading the gazettes1 but with so much partiality on the side of ,france1 that my heart beat with rapture on its most trifling advantages1 and ,i was as much afflicted on a reverse of fortune1 as if ,i had been particularly concerned4 ,had this folly been transient1 ,i should not1 perhaps1 have mentioned it1 but it took such root in my heart 7without any reasonable cause7 that when ,i afterwards acted the anti-despot and proud republican at ,paris1 in spite of myself1 ,i felt a secret predilection for the nation ,i declared servile1 and for that government ,i affected to oppose4 ,the pleasantest of all was that1 ashamed of an inclination so contrary to my professed maxims1 ,i dared not own it to any one1 but rallied the ,french on their defeats1 while my heart was more wounded than their own4 ,i am certainly the first man1 that1 living with a people who treated him well1 and whom he almost adored1 put on1 even in their own country1 a borrowed air of despising them2 yet my original inclination is so powerful1 constant1 disinterested1 and invincible1 that even since my quitting that kingdom1 since its government1 magistrates1 and authors1 have outvied each other in rancor against me1 since it has become fashionable to load me with injustice and abuse1 ,i have not been able to get rid of this folly1 but notwithstanding their ill-treatment1 love them in spite of myself4 ,i long sought the cause of this partiality1 but was never able to find any1 except in the occasion that gave it birth4 ,a rising taste for literature attached me to ,french books1 to their authors1 and their country3 at the very moment the ,french troops were passing ,chambery1 ,i was reading ,brantome's ',celebrated ,captains'2 my head was full of the ,clissons1 ,bayards1 ,lautrecs1 ,colignys1 ,montmorenceys1 and ,trimouille1 and ,i loved their descendants as the heirs of their merit and courage4 ,in each regiment that passed by methought ,i saw those famous black bands who had formerly done so many noble exploits in ,piedmont2 in fine1 ,i applied to these all the ideas ,i had gathered from books2 my reading continued1 which1 still drawn from the same nation1 nourished my affection for that country1 till1 at length1 it became a blind passion1 which nothing could overcome4 ,i have had occasion to remark several times in the course of my travels1 that this impression was not peculiar to me for ,france1 but was more or less active in every country1 for that part of the nation who were fond of literature1 and cultivated learning2 and it was this consideration that balanced in my mind the general hatred which the conceited air of the ,french is so apt to inspire4 ,their romances1 more than their men1 attract the women of all countries1 and the celebrated dramatic pieces of ,france create a fondness in youth for their theaters2 the reputation which that of ,paris in particular has acquired1 draws to it crowds of strangers1 who return enthusiasts to their own country3 in short1 the excellence of their literature captivates the senses1 and in the unfortunate war just ended1 ,i have seen their authors and philosophers maintain the glory of ,france1 so tarnished by its warriors4 ,i was1 therefore1 an ardent ,frenchman2 this rendered me a politician1 and ,i attended in the public square1 amid a throng of news-mongers1 the arrival of the post1 and1 sillier than the ass in the fable1 was very uneasy to know whose packsaddle ,i should next have the honor to carry1 for it was then supposed we should belong to ,france1 and that ,savoy would be exchanged for ,milan4 ,i must confess1 however1 that ,i experienced some uneasiness1 for had this war terminated unfortunately for the allies1 the pension of ,madam de ,warens would have been in a dangerous situation2 nevertheless1 ,i had great confidence in my good friends1 the ,french1 and for once 7in spite of the surprise of ,m4 de ,broglio7 my confidence was not ill-founded--thanks to the ,king of ,sardinia1 whom ,i had never thought of4 ,while we were fighting in ,italy1 they were singing in ,france3 the operas of ,rameau began to make a noise there1 and once more raise the credit of his theoretic works1 which1 from their obscurity1 were within the compass of very few understandings4 ,by chance ,i heard of his ',treatise on ,harmony'1 and had no rest till ,i purchased it4 ,by another chance ,i fell sick2 my illness was inflammatory1 short and violent1 but my convalescence was tedious1 for ,i was unable to go abroad for a whole month4 ,during this time ,i eagerly ran over my ,treatise on ,harmony1 but it was so long1 so diffuse1 and so badly disposed1 that ,i found it would require a considerable time to unravel it3 accordingly ,i suspended my inclination1 and recreated my sight with music4 ,the cantatas of ,bernier were what ,i principally exercised myself with4 ,these were never out of my mind2 ,i learned four or five by heart1 and among the rest1 ',the ,sleeping ,cupids'1 which ,i have never seen since that time1 though ,i still retain it almost entirely2 as well as ',cupid ,stung by a ,bee'1 a very pretty cantata by ,clerambault1 which ,i learned about the same time4 ,to complete me1 there arrived a young organist from ,valdoste1 called the ,abbe ,palais1 a good musician and an agreeable companion1 who performed very well on the harpsichord2 ,i got acquainted with him1 and we soon became inseparable4 ,he had been brought up by an ,italian monk1 who was a capital organist4 ,he explained to me his principles of music1 which ,i compared with ,rameau2 my head was filled with accompaniments1 concords and harmony1 but as it was necessary to accustom the ear to all this1 ,i proposed to ,madam de ,warens having a little concert once a month1 to which she consented4 ,behold me then so full of this concert1 that night or day ,i could think of nothing else1 and it actually employed a great part of my time to select the music1 assemble the musicians1 look to the instruments1 and write out the several parts4 ,madam de ,warens sang2 ,father ,cato 7whom ,i have before mentioned1 and shall have occasion to speak of again7 sang likewise2 a dancing-master named ,roche1 and his son1 played on the violin2 ,canavas1 a ,piedmontese musician 7who was employed like myself in the survey1 and has since married at ,paris71 played on the violoncello2 the ,abbe ,palais performed on the harpsichord1 and ,i had the honor to conduct the whole4 ,it may be supposed all this was charming2 ,i cannot say it equalled my concert at ,monsieur de ,tretoren's1 but certainly it was not far behind it4 ,this little concert1 given by ,madam de ,warens1 the new convert1 who lived 7it was expressed7 on the king's charity1 made the whole tribe of devotees murmur1 but was a very agreeable amusement to several worthy people1 at the head of whom it would not be easily surmised that ,i should place a monk2 yet1 though a monk1 a man of considerable merit1 and even of a very amiable disposition1 whose subsequent misfortunes gave me the most lively concern1 and whose idea1 attached to that of my happy days1 is yet dear to my memory4 ,i speak of ,father ,cato1 a ,cordelier1 who1 in conjunction with the ,count d',ortan1 had caused the music of poor ,le ,maitre to be seized at ,lyons2 which action was far from being the brightest trait in his history4 ,he was a ,bachelor of ,sorbonne1 had lived long in ,paris among the great world1 and was particularly caressed by the ,marquis d',antremont1 then ,ambassador from ,sardinia4 ,he was tall and well made2 full faced1 with very fine eyes1 and black hair1 which formed natural curls on each side of his forehead4 ,his manner was at once noble1 open1 and modest2 he presented himself with ease and good manners1 having neither the hypocritical nor impudent behavior of a monk1 or the forward assurance of a fashionable coxcomb1 but the manners of a well-bred man1 who1 without blushing for his habit1 set a value on himself1 and ever felt in his proper situation when in good company4 ,though ,father ,cato was not deeply studied for a doctor1 he was much so for a man of the world1 and not being compelled to show his talents1 he brought them forward so advantageously that they appeared greater than they really were4 ,having lived much in the world1 he had rather attached himself to agreeable acquirements than to solid learning2 had sense1 made verses1 spoke well1 sang better1 and aided his good voice by playing on the organ and harpsichord4 ,so many pleasing qualities were not necessary to make his company sought after1 and1 accordingly1 it was very much so1 but this did not make him neglect the duties of his function3 he was chosen 7in spite of his jealous competitors7 ,definitor of his ,province1 or1 according to them1 one of the greatest pillars of their order4 ,father ,cato became acquainted with ,madam de ,warens at the ,marquis of ,antremont's2 he had heard of her concerts1 wished to assist at them1 and by his company rendered our meetings truly agreeable4 ,we were soon attached to each other by our mutual taste for music1 which in both was a most lively passion1 with this difference1 that he was really a musician1 and myself a bungler4 ,sometimes assisted by ,canavas and the ,abbe ,palais1 we had music in his apartment2 or on holidays at his organ1 and frequently dined with him2 for1 what was very astonishing in a monk1 he was generous1 profuse1 and loved good cheer1 without the least tincture of greediness4 ,after our concerts1 he always used to stay to supper1 and these evenings passed with the greatest gayety and good-humor2 we conversed with the utmost freedom1 and sang duets2 ,i was perfectly at my ease1 had sallies of wit and merriment2 ,father ,cato was charming1 ,madam de ,warens adorable1 and the ,abbe ,palais1 with his rough voice1 was the butt of the company4 ,pleasing moments of sportive youth1 how long since have ye fled6 ,as ,i shall have no more occasion to speak of poor ,father ,cato1 ,i will here conclude in a few words his melancholy history4 ,his brother monks1 jealous1 or rather exasperated to discover in him a merit and elegance of manners which favored nothing of monastic stupidity1 conceived the most violent hatred to him1 because he was not as despicable as themselves2 the chiefs1 therefore1 combined against this worthy man1 and set on the envious rabble of monks1 who otherwise would not have dared to hazard the attack4 ,he received a thousand indignities2 they degraded him from his office1 took away the apartment which he had furnished with elegant simplicity1 and1 at length1 banished him1 ,i know not whither3 in short1 these wretches overwhelmed him with so many evils1 that his honest and proud soul sank under the pressure1 and1 after having been the delight of the most amiable societies1 he died of grief1 on a wretched bed1 hid in some cell or dungeon1 lamented by all worthy people of his acquaintance1 who could find no fault in him1 except his being a monk4 ,accustomed to this manner of life for some time1 ,i became so entirely attached to music that ,i could think of nothing else4 ,i went to my business with disgust1 the necessary confinement and assiduity appeared an insupportable punishment1 which ,i at length wished to relinquish1 that ,i might give myself up without reserve to my favorite amusement4 ,it will be readily believed that this folly met with some opposition2 to give up a creditable employment and fixed salary to run after uncertain scholars was too giddy a plan to be approved of by ,madam de ,warens1 and even supposing my future success should prove as great as ,i flattered myself1 it was fixing very humble limits to my ambition to think of reducing myself for life to the condition of a music-master4 ,she1 who formed for me the brightest projects1 and no longer trusted implicitly to the judgment of ,m4 d',aubonne1 seeing with concern that ,i was so seriously occupied with a talent which she thought frivolous1 frequently repeated to me that provincial proverb1 which does not hold quite so good in ,paris1 ,qui biens chante et biens dance1 fait un metier qui peu avance4 ,he who can sweetly sing and featly dance1 ,his interests right little shall advance4 ,on the other hand1 she saw me hurried away by this irresistible passion1 my taste for music having become a furor1 and it was much to be feared that my employment1 suffering by my distraction1 might draw on me a discharge1 which would be worse than a voluntary resignation4 ,i represented to her2 that this employment could not last long1 that it was necessary ,i should have some permanent means of subsistence1 and that it would be much better to complete by practice the acquisition of that art to which my inclination led me than to make fresh essays1 which possibly might not succeed1 since by this means1 having passed the age most proper for improvement1 ,i might be left without a single resource for gaining a livelihood3 in short1 ,i extorted her consent more by importunity and caresses than by any satisfactory reasons4 ,proud of my success1 ,i immediately ran to thank ,m4 ,coccelli1 ,director-,general of the ,survey1 as though ,i had performed the most heroic action1 and quitted my employment without cause1 reason1 or pretext1 with as much pleasure as ,i had accepted it two years before4 ,this step1 ridiculous as it may appear1 procured me a kind of consideration1 which ,i found extremely useful4 ,some supposed ,i had resources which ,i did not possess2 others1 seeing me totally given up to music1 judged of my abilities by the sacrifice ,i had made1 and concluded that with such a passion for the art1 ,i must possess it in a superior degree4 ,in a nation of blind men1 those with one eye are kings4 ,i passed here for an excellent master1 because all the rest were very bad ones4 ,possessing taste in singing1 and being favored by my age and figure1 ,i soon procured more scholars than were sufficient to compensate for the losses of my secretary's pay4 ,it is certain1 that had it been reasonable to consider the pleasure of my situation only1 it was impossible to pass more speedily from one extreme to the other4 ,at our measuring1 ,i was confined eight hours in the day to the most unentertaining employment1 with yet more disagreeable company4 ,shut up in a melancholy counting-house1 empoisoned by the smell and respiration of a number of clowns1 the major part of whom were ill-combed and very dirty1 what with attention1 bad air1 constraint and weariness1 ,i was sometimes so far overcome as to occasion a vertigo4 ,instead of this1 behold me admitted into the fashionable world1 sought after in the first houses1 and everywhere received with an air of satisfaction2 amiable and gay young ladies awaiting my arrival1 and welcoming me with pleasure2 ,i see nothing but charming objects1 smell nothing but roses and orange flowers2 singing1 chatting1 laughter1 and amusements1 perpetually succeed each other4 ,it must be allowed1 that reckoning all these advantages1 no hesitation was necessary in the choice2 in fact1 ,i was so content with mine1 that ,i never once repented it2 nor do ,i even now1 when1 free from the irrational motives that influenced me at that time1 ,i weigh in the scale of reason every action of my life4 ,this is1 perhaps1 the only time that1 listening to inclination1 ,i was not deceived in my expectations4 ,the easy access1 obliging temper1 and free humor of this country1 rendered a commerce with the world agreeable1 and the inclination ,i then felt for it1 proves to me1 that if ,i have a dislike for society1 it is more their fault than mine4 ,it is a pity the ,savoyards are not rich3 though1 perhaps1 it would be a still greater pity if they were so1 for altogether they are the best1 the most sociable people that ,i know1 and if there is a little city in the world where the pleasures of life are experienced in an agreeable and friendly commerce1 it is at ,chambery4 ,the gentry of the province who assemble there have only sufficient wealth to live and not enough to spoil them2 they cannot give way to ambition1 but follow1 through necessity1 the counsel of ,cyneas1 devoting their youth to a military employment1 and returning home to grow old in peace2 an arrangement over which honor and reason equally preside4 ,the women are handsome1 yet do not stand in need of beauty1 since they possess all those qualifications which enhance its value and even supply the want of it4 ,it is remarkable1 that being obliged by my profession to see a number of young girls1 ,i do not recollect one at ,chambery but what was charming3 it will be said ,i was disposed to find them so1 and perhaps there may be some truth in the surmise4 ,i cannot remember my young scholars without pleasure4 ,why1 in naming the most amiable1 cannot ,i recall them and myself also to that happy age in which our moments1 pleasing as innocent1 were passed with such happiness together8 ,the first was ,mademoiselle de ,mallarede1 my neighbor1 and sister to a pupil of ,monsieur ,gaime4 ,she was a fine clear brunette1 lively and graceful1 without giddiness2 thin as girls of that age usually are2 but her bright eyes1 fine shape1 and easy air1 rendered her sufficiently pleasing with that degree of plumpness which would have given a heightening to her charms4 ,i went there of mornings1 when she was usually in her dishabille1 her hair carelessly turned up1 and1 on my arrival1 ornamented with a flower1 which was taken off at my departure for her hair to be dressed4 ,there is nothing ,i fear so much as a pretty woman in an elegant dishabille2 ,i should dread them a hundred times less in full dress4 ,mademoiselle de ,menthon1 whom ,i attended in the afternoon1 was ever so4 ,she made an equally pleasing1 but quite different impression on me4 ,her hair was flaxen1 her person delicate1 she was very timid and extremely fair1 had a clear voice1 capable of just modulation1 but which she had not courage to employ to its full extent4 ,she had the mark of a scald on her bosom1 which a scanty piece of blue chenille did not entirely cover1 this scar sometimes drew my attention1 though not absolutely on its own account4 ,mademoiselle des ,challes1 another of my neighbors1 was a woman grown1 tall1 well-formed1 jolly1 very pleasing though not a beauty1 and might be quoted for her gracefulness1 equal temper1 and good humor4 ,her sister1 ,madam de ,charly1 the handsomest woman of ,chambery1 did not learn music1 but ,i taught her daughter1 who was yet young1 but whose growing beauty promised to equal her mother's1 if she had not unfortunately been a little red-haired4 ,i had likewise among my scholars a little ,french lady1 whose name ,i have forgotten1 but who merits a place in my list of preferences4 ,she had adopted the slow drawling tone of the nuns1 in which voice she would utter some very keen things1 which did not in the least appear to correspond with her manner2 but she was indolent1 and could not generally take pains to show her wit1 that being a favor she did not grant to every one4 ,after a month or two of negligent attendance1 this was an expedient she devised to make me more assiduous1 for ,i could not easily persuade myself to be so4 ,when with my scholars1 ,i was fond enough of teaching1 but could not bear the idea of being obliged to attend at a particular hour2 constraint and subjection in every shape are to me insupportable1 and alone sufficient to make me hate even pleasure itself4 ,i had some scholars likewise among the tradespeople1 and1 among others1 one who was the indirect cause of a change of relationship1 which 7as ,i have promised to declare all7 ,i must relate in its place4 ,she was the daughter of a grocer1 and was called ,mademoiselle de ,larnage1 a perfect model for a ,grecian statue1 and whom ,i should quote for the handsomest girl ,i have ever seen1 if true beauty could exist without life or soul4 ,her indolence1 reserve1 and insensibility were inconceivable2 it was equally impossible to please or make her angry1 and ,i am convinced that had any one formed a design upon her virtue1 he might have succeeded1 not through her inclination1 but from her stupidity4 ,her mother1 who would run no risk of this1 did not leave her a single moment4 ,in having her taught to sing and providing a young master1 she had hoped to enliven her1 but it all proved ineffectual4 ,while the master was admiring the daughter1 the mother was admiring the master1 but this was equally lost labor4 ,madam de ,larnage added to her natural vivacity that portion of sprightliness which should have belonged to the daughter4 ,she was a little1 ugly1 lively trollop1 with small twinkling ferret eyes1 and marked with smallpox4 ,on my arrival in the morning1 ,i always found my coffee and cream ready1 and the mother never failed to welcome me with a kiss on the lips1 which ,i would willingly have returned the daughter1 to see how she would have received it4 ,all this was done with such an air of carelessness and simplicity1 that even when ,m4 de ,larnage was present1 her kisses and caresses were not omitted4 ,he was a good quiet fellow1 the true original of his daughter2 nor did his wife endeavor to deceive him1 because there was absolutely no occasion for it4 ,i received all these caresses with my usual stupidity1 taking them only for marks of pure friendship1 though they were sometimes troublesome2 for the lively ,madam ,lard was displeased1 if1 during the day1 ,i passed the shop without calling2 it became necessary1 therefore 7when ,i had no time to spare71 to go out of my way through another street1 well knowing it was not so easy to quit her house as to enter it4 ,madam ,lard thought so much of me1 that ,i could not avoid thinking something of her4 ,her attentions affected me greatly2 and ,i spoke of them to ,madam de ,warens1 without supposing any mystery in the matter1 but had there been one ,i should equally have divulged it1 for to have kept a secret of any kind from her would have been impossible4 ,my heart lay as open to ,madam de ,warens as to ,heaven4 ,she did not understand the matter quite so simply as ,i had done1 but saw advances where ,i only discovered friendship4 ,she concluded that ,madam ,lard would make a point of not leaving me as great a fool as she found me1 and1 some way or other1 contrive to make herself understood2 but exclusive of the consideration that it was not just1 that another should undertake the instruction of her pupil1 she had motives more worthy of her1 wishing to guard me against the snares to which my youth and inexperience exposed me4 ,meantime1 a more dangerous temptation offered which ,i likewise escaped1 but which proved to her that such a succession of dangers required every preservative she could possibly apply4 ,the ,countess of ,menthon1 mother to one of my scholars1 was a woman of great wit1 and reckoned to possess1 at least1 an equal share of mischief1 having 7as was reported7 caused a number of quarrels1 and1 among others1 one that terminated fatally for the house of ,d',antremont4 ,madam de ,warens had seen enough of her to know her character3 for having 7very innocently7 pleased some person to whom ,madam de ,menthon had pretensions1 she found her guilty of the crime of this preference1 though ,madam de ,warens had neither sought after nor accepted it1 and from that moment endeavored to play her rival a number of ill turns1 none of which succeeded4 ,i shall relate one of the most whimsical1 by way of specimen4 ,they were together in the country1 with several gentlemen of the neighborhood1 and among the rest the lover in question4 ,madam de ,menthon took an opportunity to say to one of these gentlemen1 that ,madam de ,warens was a prude1 that she dressed ill1 and particularly that she covered her neck like a tradeswoman4 ,o1 for that matter1 replied the person she was speaking to 7who was fond of a joke71 she has good reason1 for ,i know she is marked with a great ugly rat on her bosom1 so naturally1 that it even appears to be running4 ,hatred1 as well as love1 renders its votaries credulous4 ,madam de ,menthon resolved to make use of this discovery1 and one day1 while ,madam de ,warens was at cards with this lady's ungrateful favorite1 she contrived1 in passing behind her rival1 almost to overset the chair she sat on1 and at the same instant1 very dexterously displaced her handkerchief2 but instead of this hideous rat1 the gentleman beheld a far different object1 which it was not more easy to forget than to obtain a sight of1 and which by no means answered the intentions of the lady4 ,i was not calculated to engross the attention of ,madam de ,menthon1 who loved to be surrounded by brilliant company2 notwithstanding she bestowed some attention on me1 not for the sake of my person1 which she certainly did not regard1 but for the reputation of wit which ,i had acquired1 and which might have rendered me convenient to her predominant inclination4 ,she had a very lively passion for ridicule1 and loved to write songs and lampoons on those who displeased her3 had she found me possessed of sufficient talents to aid the fabrication of her verses1 and complaisance enough to do so1 we should presently have turned ,chambery upside down2 these libels would have been traced to their source1 ,madam de ,menthon would have saved herself by sacrificing me1 and ,i should have been cooped up in prison1 perhaps1 for the rest of my life1 as a recompense for having figured away as the ,apollo of the ladies4 ,fortunately1 nothing of this kind happened2 ,madam de ,menthon made me stay for dinner two or three days1 to chat with me1 and soon found ,i was too dull for her purpose4 ,i felt this myself1 and was humiliated at the discovery1 envying the talents of my friend ,venture2 though ,i should rather have been obliged to my stupidity for keeping me out of the reach of danger4 ,i remained1 therefore1 ,madam de ,menthon's daughter's singing-master1 and nothing more6 but ,i lived happily1 and was ever well received at ,chambery1 which was a thousand times more desirable than passing for a wit with her1 and for a serpent with everybody else4 ,however this might be1 ,madam de ,warens conceived it necessary to guard me from the perils of youth by treating me as a man3 this she immediately set about1 but in the most extraordinary manner that any woman1 in similar circumstances1 ever devised4 ,i all at once observed that her manner was graver1 and her discourse more moral than usual4 ,to the playful gayety with which she used to intermingle her instructions suddenly succeeded an uniformity of manner1 neither familiar nor severe1 but which seemed to prepare me for some explanation4 ,after having vainly racked my brain for the reason of this change1 ,i mentioned it to her2 this she had expected and immediately proposed a walk to our garden the next day4 ,accordingly we went there the next morning2 she had contrived that we should remain alone the whole day1 which she employed in preparing me for those favors she meant to bestow2 not as another woman would have done1 by toying and folly1 but by discourses full of sentiment and reason1 rather tending to instruct than seduce1 and which spoke more to my heart than to my senses4 ,meantime1 however excellent and to the purpose these discourses might be1 and though far enough from coldness or melancholy1 ,i did not listen to them with all the attention they merited1 nor fix them in my memory as ,i should have done at any other time4 ,that air of preparation which she had adopted gave me a degree of inquietude2 while she spoke 7in spite of myself7 ,i was thoughtful and absent1 attending less to what she said than curious to know what she aimed at2 and no sooner had ,i comprehended her design 7which ,i could not easily do7 than the novelty of the idea1 which1 during all the years ,i had passed with her1 had never once entered my imagination1 took such entire possession of me that ,i was no longer capable of minding what she said6 ,i only thought of her2 ,i heard her no longer4 ,thinking to render young minds attentive to reason by proposing some highly interesting object as the result of it1 is an error instructors frequently run into1 and one which ,i have not avoided in my ,umilius4 ,the young pupil1 struck with the object presented to him1 is occupied only with that1 and leaping lightly over your preliminary discourses1 lights at once on the point1 to which1 in his idea1 you lead him too tediously4 ,to render him attentive1 he must be prevented from seeing the whole of your design2 and1 in this particular1 ,madam de ,warens did not act with sufficient precaution4 ,by a singularity which adhered to her systematic disposition1 she took the vain precaution of proposing conditions2 but the moment ,i knew the purchase1 ,i no longer even heard them1 but immediately consented to everything2 and ,i doubt whether there is a man on the whole earth who would have been sincere or courageous enough to dispute terms1 or one single woman who would have pardoned such a dispute4 ,by a continuation of the same whimsicality1 she attached a number of the gravest formalities to the acquisition of her favors1 and gave me eight days to think of them1 which ,i assured her ,i had no need of1 though that assurance was far from a truth3 for to complete this assemblage of singularities1 ,i was very glad to have this intermission2 so much had the novelty of these ideas struck me1 and such disorder did ,i feel in mine1 that it required time to arrange them4 ,it will be supposed1 that these eight days appeared to me as many ages2 on the contrary1 ,i should have been very glad had the time been lengthened4 ,i find it difficult to describe the state ,i found myself in2 it was a strange chaos of fear and impatience1 dreading what ,i desired1 and studying some civil pretext to evade my happiness4 ,let the warmth of my constitution be remembered1 my age1 and my heart intoxicated with love2 let my tender attachment to her be supposed1 which1 far from having diminished1 had daily gained additional strength2 let it be considered that ,i was only happy when with her1 that my heart was full1 not only of her bounty1 of her amiable disposition1 but of her shape1 of her person1 of herself2 in a word1 conceive me united to her by every affinity that could possibly render her dear2 nor let it be supposed1 that1 being ten or twelve years older than myself1 she began to grow an old woman1 or was so in my opinion4 ,from the time the first sight of her had made such an impression on me1 she had really altered very little1 and1 in my mind1 not at all4 ,to me she was ever charming1 and was still thought so by everyone4 ,she had got something jollier1 but had the same fine eyes1 the same clear complexion1 the same features1 the same beautiful light hair1 the sane gayety1 and even the same voice1 whose youthful and silvery sound made so lively an impression on my heart1 that1 even to this day1 ,i cannot hear a young woman's voice1 that is at all harmonious1 without emotion4 ,it will be seen1 that in a more advanced age1 the bare idea of some trifling favors ,i had to expect from the person ,i loved1 inflamed me so far1 that ,i could not support1 with any degree of patience1 the time necessary to traverse the short space that separated us2 how then1 by what miracle1 when in the flower of my youth1 had ,i so little impatience for a happiness ,i had never tasted but in idea8 ,how could ,i see the moment advancing with more pain than pleasure8 ,why1 instead of transports that should have intoxicated me with their deliciousness1 did ,i experience only fears and repugnance8 ,i have no doubt that if ,i could have avoided this happiness with any degree of decency1 ,i should have relinquished it with all my heart4 ,i have promised a number of extravagancies in the history of my attachment to her2 this certainly is one that no idea could be formed of4 ,the reader 7already disgusted7 supposes1 that being in the situation ,i have before described with ,claude ,anet1 she was already degraded in my opinion by this participation of her favors1 and that a sentiment of disesteem weakened those she had before inspired me with2 but he is mistaken4 ',tis true that this participation gave me a cruel uneasiness1 as well from a very natural sentiment of delicacy1 as because it appeared unworthy both of her and myself2 but as to my sentiments for her1 they were still the same1 and ,i can solemnly aver1 that ,i never loved her more tenderly than when ,i felt so little propensity to avail myself of her condescension4 ,i was too well acquainted with the chastity of her heart and the iciness of her constitution1 to suppose a moment that the gratification of the senses had any influence over her2 ,i was well convinced that her only motive was to guard me from dangers1 which appeared otherwise inevitable1 by this extraordinary favor1 which she did not consider in the same light that women usually do2 as will presently be explained4 ,the habit of living a long time innocently together1 far from weakening the first sentiments ,i felt for her1 had contributed to strengthen them1 giving a more lively1 a more tender1 but at the same time a less sensual1 turn to my affection4 ,having ever accustomed myself to call her ,mama 7as formerly observed7 and enjoying the familiarity of a son1 it became natural to consider myself as such1 and ,i am inclined to think this was the true reason of that insensibility with a person ,i so tenderly loved2 for ,i can perfectly recollect that my emotions on first seeing her1 though not more lively1 were more voluptuous3 ,at ,annecy ,i was intoxicated1 at ,chambery ,i possessed my reason4 ,i always loved her as passionately as possible1 but ,i now loved her more for herself and less on my own account2 or1 at least1 ,i rather sought for happiness than pleasure in her company4 ,she was more to me than a sister1 a mother1 a friend1 or even than a mistress1 and for this very reason she was not a mistress2 in a word1 ,i loved her too much to desire her4 ,this day1 more dreaded than hoped for1 at length arrived4 ,i have before observed1 that ,i promised everything that was required of me1 and ,i kept my word3 my heart confirmed my engagements without desiring the fruits1 though at length ,i obtained them4 ,was ,i happy8 ,no3 ,i felt ,i know not what invincible sadness which empoisoned my happiness1 it seemed that ,i had committed an incest1 and two or three times1 pressing her eagerly in my arms1 ,i deluged her bosom with my tears4 ,on her part1 as she had never sought pleasure1 she had not the stings of remorse4 ,i repeat it1 all her failings were the effect of her errors1 never of her passions4 ,she was well born1 her heart was pure1 her manners noble1 her desires regular and virtuous1 her taste delicate2 she seemed formed for that elegant purity of manners which she ever loved1 but never practised1 because instead of listening to the dictates of her heart1 she followed those of her reason1 which led her astray3 for when once corrupted by false principles it will ever run counter to its natural sentiments4 ,unhappily1 she piqued herself on philosophy1 and the morals she drew from thence clouded the genuine purity of her heart4 ,m4 ,tavel1 her first lover1 was also her instructor in this philosophy1 and the principles he instilled into her mind were such as tended to seduce her4 ,finding her cold and impregnable on the side of her passions1 and firmly attached to her husband and her duty1 he attacked her by sophisms1 endeavoring to prove that the list of duties she thought so sacred1 was but a sort of catechism1 fit only for children4 ,that the kind of infidelity she thought so terrible1 was1 in itself1 absolutely indifferent2 that all the morality of conjugal faith consisted in opinion1 the contentment of husbands being the only reasonable rule of duty in wives2 consequently that concealed infidelities1 doing no injury1 could be no crime2 in a word1 he persuaded her that the sin consisted only in the scandal1 that woman being really virtuous who took care to appear so4 ,thus the deceiver obtained his end in the subverting the reason of a girl2 whose heart he found it impossible to corrupt1 and received his punishment in a devouring jealousy1 being persuaded she would treat him as he had prevailed on her to treat her husband4 ,i don't know whether he was mistaken in this respect3 the ,minister ,perret passed for his successor2 all ,i know1 is1 that the coldness of temperament which it might have been supposed would have kept her from embracing this system1 in the end prevented her from renouncing it4 ,she could not conceive how so much importance should be given to what seemed to have none for her2 nor could she honor with the name of virtue1 an abstinence which would have cost her little4 ,she did not1 therefore1 give in to this false principle on her own account1 but for the sake of others2 and that from another maxim almost as false as the former1 but more consonant to the generosity of her disposition4 ,she was persuaded that nothing could attach a man so truly to any woman as an unbounded freedom1 and though she was only susceptible of friendship1 this friendship was so tender1 that she made use of every means which depended on her to secure the objects of it1 and1 which is very extraordinary1 almost always succeeded3 for she was so truly amiable1 that an increase of intimacy was sure to discover additional reasons to love and respect her4 ,another thing worthy of remark is1 that after her first folly1 she only favored the unfortunate4 ,lovers in a more brilliant station lost their labor with her1 but the man who at first attracted her pity1 must have possessed very few good qualities if in the end he did not obtain her affection4 ,even when she made an unworthy choice1 far from proceeding from base inclinations 7which were strangers to her noble heart7 it was the effect of a disposition too generous1 humane1 compassionate1 and sensible1 which she did not always govern with sufficient discernment4 ,if some false principles misled her1 how many admirable ones did she not possess1 which never forsook her6 ,by how many virtues did she atone for her failings6 if we can call by that name errors in which the senses had so little share4 ,the man who in one particular deceived her so completely1 had given her excellent instructions in a thousand others2 and her passions1 being far from turbulent1 permitted her to follow the dictates4 ,she ever acted wisely when her sophisms did not intervene1 and her designs were laudable even in her failings4 ,false principles might lead her to do ill1 but she never did anything which she conceived to be wrong4 ,she abhorred lying and duplicity1 was just1 equitable1 humane1 disinterested1 true to her word1 her friends1 and those duties which she conceived to be such2 incapable of hatred or revenge1 and not even conceiving there was a merit in pardoning2 in fine 7to return to those qualities which were less excusable71 though she did not properly value1 she never made a vile commerce of her favors2 she lavished1 but never sold them1 though continually reduced to expedients for a subsistence3 and ,i dare assert1 that if ,socrates could esteem ,aspasia1 he would have respected ,madam de ,warens4 ,i am well aware that ascribing sensibility of heart with coldness of temperament to the same person1 ,i shall generally1 and with great appearance of reason1 be accused of a contradiction4 ,perhaps ,nature sported or blundered1 and this combination ought not to have existed2 ,i only know it did exist4 ,all those who know ,madam de ,warens 7a great number of whom are yet living7 have had opportunities of knowing this was a fact2 ,i dare even aver she had but one pleasure in the world1 which was serving those she loved4 ,let every one argue on the point as he pleases1 and gravely prove that this cannot be2 my business is to declare the truth1 and not to enforce a belief of it4 ,i became acquainted with the particulars ,i have just related1 in those conversations which succeeded our union1 and alone rendered it delicious4 ,she was right when she concluded her complaisance would be useful to me2 ,i derived great advantages from it in point of useful instruction4 ,hitherto she had used me as a child1 she now began to treat me as a man1 and entertain me with accounts of herself4 ,everything she said was so interesting1 and ,i was so sensibly touched with it1 that1 reasoning with myself1 ,i applied these confidential relations to my own improvement and received more instruction from them than from her teaching4 ,when we truly feel that the heart speaks1 our own opens to receive its instructions1 nor can all the pompous morality of a pedagogue have half the effect that is produced by the tender1 affectionate1 and artless conversation of a sensible woman on him who loves her4 ,the intimacy in which ,i lived with ,madam de ,warens1 having placed me more advantageously in her opinion than formerly1 she began to think 7notwithstanding my awkward manner7 that ,i deserved cultivation for the polite world1 and that if ,i could one day show myself there in an eligible situation1 ,i should soon be able to make my way4 ,in consequence of this idea1 she set about forming not only my judgment1 but my address1 endeavoring to render me amiable1 as well as estimable2 and if it is true that success in this world is consistent with strict virtue 7which1 for my part1 ,i do not believe71 ,i am certain there is no other road than that she had taken1 and wished to point out to me4 ,for ,madam de ,warens knew mankind1 and understood exquisitely well the art of treating all ranks1 without falsehood1 and without imprudence1 neither deceiving nor provoking them2 but this art was rather in her disposition than her precepts1 she knew better how to practise than explain it1 and ,i was of all the world the least calculated to become master of such an attainment2 accordingly1 the means employed for this purpose were nearly lost labor1 as well as the pains she took to procure me a fencing and a dancing master4 ,though very well made1 ,i could never learn to dance a minuet2 for being plagued with corns1 ,i had acquired a habit of walking on my heels1 which ,roche1 the dancing master1 could never break me of4 ,it was still worse at the fencing-school1 where1 after three months' practice1 ,i made but very little progress1 and could never attempt fencing with any but my master4 ,my wrist was not supple enough1 nor my arm sufficiently firm to retain the foil1 whenever he chose to make it fly out of my hand4 ,add to this1 ,i had a mortal aversion both to the art itself and to the person who undertook to teach it to me1 nor should ,i ever have imagined1 that anyone could have been so proud of the science of sending men out of the world4 ,to bring this vast genius within the compass of my comprehension1 he explained himself by comparisons drawn from music1 which he understood nothing of4 ,he found striking analogies between a hit in 'quarte' or 'tierce' with the intervals of music which bears those names3 when he made a feint he cried out1 take care of this 'diesis'1 because anciently they called the 'diesis' a feint3 and when he had made the foil fly from my hand1 he would add1 with a sneer1 that this was a pause3 in a word1 ,i never in my life saw a more insupportable pedant4 ,i made1 therefore1 but little progress in my exercises1 which ,i presently quitted from pure disgust2 but ,i succeeded better in an art of a thousand times more value1 namely1 that of being content with my situation1 and not desiring one more brilliant1 for which ,i began to be persuaded that ,nature had not designed me4 ,given up to the endeavor of rendering ,madam de ,warens happy1 ,i was ever best pleased when in her company1 and1 notwithstanding my fondness for music1 began to grudge the time ,i employed in giving lessons to my scholars4 ,i am ignorant whether ,anet perceived the full extent of our union2 but ,i am inclined to think he was no stranger to it4 ,he was a young man of great penetration1 and still greater discretion2 who never belied his sentiments1 but did not always speak them3 without giving me the least hint that he was acquainted with our intimacy1 he appeared by his conduct to be so2 nor did this moderation proceed from baseness of soul1 but1 having entered entirely into the principles of his mistress1 he could not reasonably disapprove of the natural consequences of them4 ,though as young as herself1 he was so grave and thoughtful1 that he looked on us as two children who required indulgence1 and we regarded him as a respectable man1 whose esteem we had to preserve4 ,it was not until after she was unfaithful to ,anet1 that ,i learned the strength of her attachment to him4 ,she was fully sensible that ,i only thought1 felt1 or lived for her2 she let me see1 therefore1 how much she loved ,anet1 that ,i might love him likewise1 and dwell less on her friendship1 than on her esteem1 for him1 because this was the sentiment that ,i could most fully partake of4 ,how often has she affected our hearts and made us embrace with tears1 by assuring us that we were both necessary to her happiness6 ,let not women read this with an ill-natured smile2 with the temperament she possessed1 this necessity was not equivocal1 it was only that of the heart4 ,thus there was established1 among us three1 a union without example1 perhaps1 on the face of the earth4 ,all our wishes1 our cares1 our very hearts1 were for each other1 and absolutely confined to this little circle4 ,the habit of living together1 and living exclusively from the rest of the world1 became so strong1 that if at our repasts one of the three was wanting1 or a fourth person came in1 everything seemed deranged2 and1 notwithstanding our particular attachments1 even our tete-a-tete were less agreeable than our reunion4 ,what banished every species of constraint from our little community1 was a lively reciprocal confidence1 and dulness or insipidity could find no place among us1 because we were always fully employed4 ,madam de ,warens always projecting1 always busy1 left us no time for idleness1 though1 indeed1 we had each sufficient employment on our own account4 ,it is my maxim1 that idleness is as much the pest of society as of solitude4 ,nothing more contracts the mind1 or engenders more tales1 mischief1 gossiping1 and lies1 than for people to be eternally shut up in the same apartment together1 and reduced1 from the want of employment1 to the necessity of an incessant chat4 ,when every one is busy 7unless you have really something to say71 you may continue silent2 but if you have nothing to do1 you must absolutely speak continually1 and this1 in my mind1 is the most burdensome and the most dangerous constraint4 ,i will go further1 and maintain1 that to render company harmless1 as well as agreeable1 it is necessary1 not only that they should have something to do1 but something that requires a degree of attention4 ,knitting1 for instance1 is absolutely as bad as doing nothing2 you must take as much pains to amuse a woman whose fingers are thus employed1 as if she sat with her arms crossed2 but let her embroider1 and it is a different matter2 she is then so far busied1 that a few intervals of silence may be borne with4 ,what is most disgusting and ridiculous1 during these intermissions of conversation1 is to see1 perhaps1 a dozen over-grown fellows1 get up1 sit down again1 walk backwards and forwards1 turn on their heels1 play with the chimney ornaments1 and rack their brains to maintain an inexhaustible chain of words3 what a charming occupation6 ,such people1 wherever they go1 must be troublesome both to others and themselves4 ,when ,i was at ,motiers1 ,i used to employ myself in making laces with my neighbors1 and were ,i again to mix with the world1 ,i would always carry a cup-and-ball in my pocket2 ,i should sometimes play with it the whole day1 that ,i might not be constrained to speak when ,i had nothing to discourse about2 and ,i am persuaded1 that if every one would do the same1 mankind would be less mischievous1 their company would become more rational1 and1 in my opinion1 a vast deal more agreeable2 in a word1 let wits laugh if they please1 but ,i maintain1 that the only practical lesson of morality within the reach of the present age1 is that of the cup-and-ball4 ,at ,chambery they did not give us the trouble of studying expedients to avoid weariness1 when by ourselves1 for a troop of important visitors gave us too much by their company1 to feel any when alone4 ,the annoyance they formerly gave me had not diminished2 all the difference was1 that ,i now found less opportunity to abandon myself to my dissatisfaction4 ,poor ,madam de ,warens had not lost her old predilection for schemes and systems2 on the contrary1 the more she felt the pressure of her domestic necessities1 the more she endeavored to extricate herself from them by visionary projects2 and1 in proportion to the decrease of her present resources1 she contrived to enlarge1 in idea1 those of the future4 ,increase of years only strengthened this folly3 as she lost her relish for the pleasures of the world and youth1 she replaced it by an additional fondness for secrets and projects2 her house was never clear of quacks1 contrivers of new manufactures1 alchemists1 projects of all kinds and of all descriptions1 whose discourses began by a distribution of millions and concluded by giving you to understand that they were in want of a crown-piece4 ,no one went from her empty-handed2 and what astonished me most was1 how she could so long support such profusion1 without exhausting the source or wearying her creditors4 ,her principal project at the time ,i am now speaking of was that of establishing a ,royal ,physical ,garden at ,chambery1 with a ,demonstrator attached to it2 it will be unnecessary to add for whom this office was designed4 ,the situation of this city1 in the midst of the ,alps1 was extremely favorable to botany1 and as ,madam de ,warens was always for helping out one project with another1 a ,college of ,pharmacy was to be added1 which really would have been a very useful foundation in so poor a country1 where apothecaries are almost the only medical practitioners4 ,the retreat of the chief physician1 ,grossi1 to ,chambery1 on the demise of ,king ,victor1 seemed to favor this idea1 or perhaps1 first suggest it2 however this may be1 by flattery and attention she set about managing ,grossi1 who1 in fact1 was not very manageable1 being the most caustic and brutal1 for a man who had any pretensions to the quality of a gentleman1 that ever ,i knew4 ,the reader may judge for himself by two or three traits of character1 which ,i shall add by way of specimen4 ,he assisted one day at a consultation with some other doctors1 and among the rest1 a young gentleman from ,annecy1 who was physician in ordinary to the sick person4 ,this young man1 being but indifferently taught for a doctor1 was bold enough to differ in opinion from ,m4 ,grossi1 who only answered him by asking him when he should return1 which way he meant to take1 and what conveyance he should make use of8 ,the other1 having satisfied ,grossi in these particulars1 asked him if there was anything he could serve him in8 ,nothing1 nothing1 answered he1 only ,i shall place myself at a window in your way1 that ,i may have the pleasure of seeing an ass ride on horseback4 ,his avarice equalled his riches and want of feeling4 ,one of his friends wanted to borrow some money of him1 on good security4 ,my friend1 answered he1 shaking him by the arm1 and grinding his teeth1 ,should ,st4 ,peter descend from heaven to borrow ten pistoles of me1 and offer the ,trinity as securities1 ,i would not lend them4 ,one day1 being invited to dinner with ,count ,picon1 ,governor of ,savoy1 who was very religious1 he arrived before it was ready1 and found his excellency busy with his devotions1 who proposed to him the same employment2 not knowing how to refuse1 he knelt down with a frightful grimace1 but had hardly recited two ,ave-,marias1 when1 not being able to contain himself any longer1 he rose hastily1 snatched his hat and cane1 and without speaking a word1 was making toward the door2 ,count ,picon ran after him1 crying1 ,monsieur ,grossi6 ,monsieur ,grossi6 stop1 there's a most excellent ortolan on the spit for you4 ,monsieur le ,count1 replied the other1 turning his head1 though you should give me a roasted angel1 ,i would not stay4 ,such was ,m4 ,grossi1 whom ,madam de ,warens undertook and succeeded in civilizing4 ,though his time was very much occupied1 he accustomed himself to come frequently to her house1 conceived a friendship for ,anet1 seemed to think him intelligent1 spoke of him with esteem1 and1 what would not have been expected of such a brute1 affected to treat him with respect1 wishing to efface the impressions of the past2 for though ,anet was no longer on the footing of a domestic1 it was known that he had been one1 and nothing less than the countenance and example of the chief physician was necessary to set an example of respect which would not otherwise have been paid him4 ,thus ,claude ,anet1 with a black coat1 a well-dressed wig1 a grave1 decent behavior1 a circumspect conduct1 and a tolerable knowledge in medical and botanical matters1 might reasonably have hoped to fill1 with universal satisfaction1 the place of public demonstrator1 had the proposed establishment taken place4 ,grossi highly approved the plan1 and only waited an opportunity to propose it to the administration1 whenever a return of peace should permit them to think of useful institutions1 and enable them to spare the necessary pecuniary supplies4 ,but this project1 whose execution would probably have plunged me into botanical studies1 for which ,i am inclined to think ,nature designed me1 failed through one of those unexpected strokes which frequently overthrow the best concerted plans4 ,i was destined to become an example of human misery2 and it might be said that ,providence1 who called me by degrees to these extraordinary trials1 disconcerted every opportunity that could prevent my encountering them4 ,in an excursion which ,anet made to the top of the mountain to seek for genipi1 a scarce plant that grows only on the ,alps1 and which ,monsieur ,grossi had occasion for1 unfortunately he heated himself so much1 that he was seized with a pleurisy1 which the genipi could not relieve1 though said to be specific in that disorder2 and1 notwithstanding all the art of ,grossi 7who certainly was very skillful71 and all the care of his good mistress and myself1 he died the fifth day of his disorder1 in the most cruel agonies4 ,during his illness he had no exhortations but mine1 bestowed with such transports of grief and zeal1 that had he been in a state to understand them1 they must have been some consolation to him4 ,thus ,i lost the firmest friend ,i ever had2 a man estimable and extraordinary2 in whom ,nature supplied the defects of education1 and who 7though in a state of servitude7 possessed all the virtues necessary to form a great man1 which1 perhaps1 he would have shown himself1 and been acknowledged1 had he lived to fill the situation he seemed so perfectly adapted to4 ,the next day ,i spoke of him to ,madam de ,warens with the most sincere and lively affection2 when1 suddenly1 in the midst of our conversation1 the vile1 ungrateful thought occurred1 that ,i should inherit his wardrobe1 and particularly a handsome black coat1 which ,i thought very becoming4 ,as ,i thought this1 ,i consequently uttered it2 for when with her1 to think and to speak was the same thing4 ,nothing could have made her feel more forcibly the loss she had sustained1 than this unworthy and odious observation2 disinterestedness and greatness of soul being qualities that poor ,anet had eminently possessed4 ,the generous ,madam de ,warens turned from me1 and 7without any reply7 burst into tears4 ,dear and precious tears6 your reprehension was fully felt2 ye ran into my very heart1 washing from thence even the smallest traces of such despicable and unworthy sentiments1 never to return4 ,this loss caused ,madam de ,warens as much inconvenience as sorrow1 since from this moment her affairs were still more deranged4 ,anet was extremely exact1 and kept everything in order2 his vigilance was universally feared1 and this set some bounds to that profusion they were too apt to run into2 even ,madam de ,warens1 to avoid his censure1 kept her dissipation within bounds2 his attachment was not sufficient1 she wished to preserve his esteem1 and avoid the just remonstrances he sometimes took the liberty to make her1 by representing that she squandered the property of others as well as her own4 ,i thought as he did1 nay1 ,i even sometimes expressed myself to the same effect1 but had not an equal ascendancy over her1 and my advice did not make the same impression4 ,on his decease1 ,i was obliged to occupy his place1 for which ,i had as little inclination as abilities1 and therefore filled it ill4 ,i was not sufficiently careful1 and so very timid1 that though ,i frequently found fault to myself1 ,i saw ill-management without taking courage to oppose it2 besides1 though ,i acquired an equal share of respect1 ,i had not the same authority4 ,i saw the disorder that prevailed1 trembled at it1 sometimes complained1 but was never attended to4 ,i was too young and lively to have any pretensions to the exercise of reason1 and when ,i would have acted the reformer1 ,madam de ,warens calling me her little ,mentor1 with two or three playful slaps on the cheek1 reduced me to my natural thoughtlessness4 ,notwithstanding1 an idea of the certain distress in which her ill-regulated expenses1 sooner or later1 must necessarily plunge her1 made a stronger impression on me since ,i had become the inspector of her household1 and had a better opportunity of calculating the inequality that subsisted between her income and her expenses4 ,i even date from this period the beginning of that inclination to avarice which ,i have ever since been sensible of4 ,i was never foolishly prodigal1 except by intervals2 but till then ,i was never concerned whether ,i had much or little money4 ,i now began to pay more attention to this circumstance1 taking care of my purse1 and becoming mean from a laudable motive2 for ,i only sought to insure ,madam de ,warens some resources against that catastrophe which ,i dreaded the approach of4 ,i feared her creditors would seize her pension or that it might be discontinued and she reduced to want1 when ,i foolishly imagined that the trifle ,i could save might be of essential service to her2 but to accomplish this1 it was necessary ,i should conceal what ,i meant to make a reserve of2 for it would have been an awkward circumstance1 while she was perpetually driven to expedients1 to have her know that ,i hoarded money4 ,accordingly1 ,i sought out some hiding-place1 where ,i laid up a few louis1 resolving to augment this stock from time to time1 till a convenient opportunity to lay it at her feet2 but ,i was so incautious in the choice of my repositories1 that she always discovered them1 and1 to convince me that she did so1 changed the louis ,i had concealed for a larger sum in different pieces of coin4 ,ashamed of these discoveries1 ,i brought back to the common purse my little treasure1 which she never failed to lay out in clothes1 or other things for my use1 such as a silver hilted sword1 watch1 etc4 ,being convinced that ,i should never succeed in accumulating money1 and that what ,i could save would furnish but a very slender resource against the misfortune ,i dreaded1 made me wish to place myself in such a situation that ,i might be enabled to provide for her1 whenever she might chance to be reduced to want4 ,unhappily1 seeking these resources on the side of my inclinations1 ,i foolishly determined to consider music as my principal dependence2 and ideas of harmony rising in my brain1 ,i imagined1 that if placed in a proper situation to profit by them1 ,i should acquire celebrity1 and presently become a modern ,orpheus1 whose mystic sounds would attract all the riches of ,peru4 ,as ,i began to read music tolerably well1 the question was1 how ,i should learn composition8 ,the difficulty lay in meeting with a good master1 for1 with the assistance of my ,rameau alone1 ,i despaired of ever being able to accomplish it2 and1 since the departure of ,m4 le ,maitre1 there was nobody in ,savoy who understood anything of the principles of harmony4 ,i am now about to relate another of those inconsequences1 which my life is full of1 and which have so frequently carried me directly from my designs1 even when ,i thought myself immediately within reach of them4 ,venture had spoken to me in very high terms of the ,abbe ,blanchard1 who had taught him composition2 a deserving man1 possessed of great talents1 who was music-master to the cathedral at ,besancon1 and is now in that capacity at the ,chapel of ,versailles4 ,i therefore determined to go to ,besancon1 and take some lessons from the ,abbe ,blanchard1 and the idea appeared so rational to me1 that ,i soon made ,madam de ,warens of the same opinion1 who immediately set about the preparations for my journey1 in the same style of profusion with which all her plans were executed4 ,thus this project for preventing a bankruptcy1 and repairing in future the waste of dissipation1 began by causing her to expend eight hundred livres2 her ruin being accelerated that ,i might be put in a condition to prevent it4 ,foolish as this conduct may appear1 the illusion was complete on my part1 and even on hers1 for ,i was persuaded ,i should labor for her emolument1 and she thought she was highly promoting mine4 ,i expected to find ,venture still at ,annecy1 and promised myself to obtain a recommendatory letter from him to the ,abbe ,blanchard2 but he had left that place1 and ,i was obliged to content myself in the room of it1 with a mass in four parts of his composition1 which he had left with me4 ,with this slender recommendation ,i set out for ,besancon by the way of ,geneva1 where ,i saw my relations2 and through ,nion1 where ,i saw my father1 who received me in his usual manner1 and promised to forward my portmanteau1 which1 as ,i travelled on horseback1 came after me4 ,i arrived at ,besancon1 and was kindly received by the ,abbe ,blanchard1 who promised me his instruction1 and offered his services in any other particular4 ,we had just set about our music1 when ,i received a letter from my father1 informing me that my portmanteau had been seized and confiscated at ,rousses1 a ,french barrier on the side of ,switzerland4 ,alarmed at the news1 ,i employed the acquaintance ,i had formed at ,besancon1 to learn the motive of this confiscation4 ,being certain there was nothing contraband among my baggage1 ,i could not conceive on what pretext it could have been seized on2 at length1 however1 ,i learned the rights of the story1 which 7as it is a very curious one7 must not be omitted4 ,i became acquainted at ,chambery with a very worthy old man1 from ,lyons1 named ,monsieur ,duvivier1 who had been employed at the ,visa1 under the regency1 and for want of other business1 now assisted at the ,survey4 ,he had lived in the polite world1 possessed talents1 was good-humored1 and understood music4 ,as we both wrote in the same chamber1 we preferred each other's acquaintance to that of the unlicked cubs that surrounded us4 ,he had some correspondents at ,paris1 who furnished him with those little nothings1 those daily novelties1 which circulate one knows not why1 and die one cares not when1 without any one thinking of them longer than they are heard4 ,as ,i sometimes took him to dine with ,madam de ,warens1 he in some measure treated me with respect1 and 7wishing to render himself agreeable7 endeavored to make me fond of these trifles1 for which ,i naturally had such a distaste1 that ,i never in my life read any of them4 ,unhappily one of these cursed papers happened to be in the waistcoat pocket of a new suit1 which ,i had only worn two or three times to prevent its being seized by the commissioners of the customs4 ,this paper contained an insipid ,jansenist parody on that beautiful scene in ,racine's ,mithridates3 ,i had not read ten lines of it1 but by forgetfulness left it in my pocket1 and this caused all my necessaries to be confiscated4 ,the commissioners at the head of the inventory of my portmanteau1 set a most pompous verbal process1 in which it was taken for granted that this most terrible writing came from ,geneva for the sole purpose of being printed and distributed in ,france1 and then ran into holy invectives against the enemies of ,god and the ,church1 and praised the pious vigilance of those who had prevented the execution of these most infernal machinations4 ,they doubtless found also that my spirits smelt of heresy1 for on the strength of this dreadful paper1 they were all seized1 and from that time ,i never received any account of my unfortunate portmanteau4 ,the revenue officers whom ,i applied to for this purpose required so many instructions1 informations1 certificates1 memorials1 etc41 etc41 that1 lost a thousand times in the perplexing labyrinth1 ,i was glad to abandon them entirely4 ,i feel a real regret for not having preserved this verbal process from the office of ,rousses1 for it was a piece calculated to hold a distinguished rank in the collection which is to accompany this ,work4 ,the loss of my necessities immediately brought me back to ,chambery1 without having learned anything of the ,abbe ,blanchard4 ,reasoning with myself on the events of this journey1 and seeing that misfortunes attended all my enterprises1 ,i resolved to attach myself entirely to ,madam de ,warens1 to share her fortune1 and distress myself no longer about future events1 which ,i could not regulate4 ,she received me as if ,i had brought back treasures1 replaced by degrees my little wardrobe1 and though this misfortune fell heavy enough on us both1 it was forgotten almost as suddenly as it arrived4 ,though this mischance had rather dampened my musical ardor1 ,i did not leave off studying my ,rameau1 and1 by repeated efforts1 was at length able to understand it1 and to make some little attempts at composition1 the success of which encouraged me to proceed4 ,the ,count de ,bellegarde1 son of the ,marquis of ,antremont1 had returned from ,dresden after the death of ,king ,augustus4 ,having long resided at ,paris1 he was fond of music1 and particularly that of ,rameau4 ,his brother1 the ,count of ,nangis1 played on the violin2 the ,countess la ,tour1 their sister1 sung tolerably3 this rendered music the fashion at ,chambery1 and a kind of public concert was established there1 the direction of which was at first designed for me1 but they soon discovered ,i was not competent to the undertaking1 and it was otherwise arranged4 ,notwithstanding this1 ,i continued writing a number of little pieces1 in my own way1 and1 among others1 a cantata1 which gained great approbation2 it could not1 indeed1 be called a finished piece1 but the airs were written in a style of novelty1 and produced a good effect1 which was not expected from me4 ,these gentlemen could not believe that1 reading music so indifferently1 it was possible ,i should compose any that was passable1 and made no doubt that ,i had taken to myself the credit of some other person's labors4 ,monsieur de ,nangis1 wishing to be assured of this1 called on me one morning with a cantata of ,clerambault's which he had transposed as he said1 to suit his voice1 and to which another bass was necessary1 the transposition having rendered that of ,clerambault impracticable4 ,i answered1 it required considerable labor1 and could not be done on the spot4 ,being convinced ,i only sought an excuse1 he pressed me to write at least the bass to a recitative3 ,i did so1 not well1 doubtless1 because to attempt anything with success ,i must have both time and freedom1 but ,i did it at least according to rule1 and he being present1 could not doubt but ,i understood the elements of composition4 ,i did not1 therefore1 lose my scholars1 though it hurt my pride that there should be a concert at ,chambery in which ,i was not necessary4 ,about this time1 peace being concluded1 the ,french army repassed the ,alps4 ,several officers came to visit ,madam de ,warens1 and among others the ,count de ,lautrec1 ,colonel of the regiment of ,orleans1 since ,plenipotentiary of ,geneva1 and afterwards ,marshal of ,france1 to whom she presented me4 ,on her recommendation1 he appeared to interest himself greatly in my behalf1 promising a great deal1 which he never remembered till the last year of his life1 when ,i no longer stood in need of his assistance4 ,the young ,marquis of ,sennecterre1 whose father was then ambassador at ,turin1 passed through ,chambery at the same time1 and dined one day at ,m4 de ,menthon's1 when ,i happened to be among the guests4 ,after dinner2 the discourse turned on music1 which the marquis understood extremely well4 ,the opera of ',jephtha' was then new2 he mentioned this piece1 it was brought him1 and he made me tremble by proposing to execute it between us4 ,he opened the book at that celebrated double chorus1 ,la ,terra1 l',enfer1 le ,ciel meme1 ,tout tremble devant le ,seigneur6 ,the ,earth1 and ,hell1 and ,heaven itself1 tremble before the ,lord6 ,he said1 ,how many parts will you take8 ,i will do these six4 ,i had not yet been accustomed to this trait of ,french vivacity1 and though acquainted with divisions1 could not comprehend how one man could undertake to perform six1 or even two parts at the same time4 ,nothing has cost me more trouble in music than to skip lightly from one part to another1 and have the eye at once on a whole division4 ,by the manner in which ,i evaded this trial1 he must have been inclined to believe ,i did not understand music1 and perhaps it was to satisfy himself in this particular that he proposed my noting a song for ,mademoiselle de ,menthon1 in such a manner that ,i could not avoid it4 ,he sang this song1 and ,i wrote from his voice1 without giving him much trouble to repeat it4 ,when finished he read my performance1 and said 7which was very true7 that it was very correctly noted4 ,he had observed my embarrassment1 and now seemed to enhance the merit of this little success4 ,in reality1 ,i then understood music very well1 and only wanted that quickness at first sight which ,i possess in no one particular1 and which is only to be acquired in this art by long and constant practice4 ,be that as it may1 ,i was fully sensible of his kindness in endeavoring to efface from the minds of others1 and even from my own1 the embarrassment ,i had experienced on this occasion4 ,twelve or fifteen years afterwards1 meeting this gentleman at several houses in ,paris1 ,i was tempted to make him recollect this anecdote1 and show him ,i still remembered it2 but he had lost his sight since that time2 ,i feared to give him pain by recalling to his memory how useful it formerly had been to him1 and was therefore silent on that subject4 ,i now touch on the moment that binds my past existence to the present1 some friendships of that period1 prolonged to the present time1 being very dear to me1 have frequently made me regret that happy obscurity1 when those who called themselves my friends were really so2 loved me for myself1 through pure good will1 and not from the vanity of being acquainted with a conspicuous character1 perhaps for the secret purpose of finding more occasions to injure him4 ,from this time ,i date my first acquaintance with my old friend ,gauffecourt1 who1 notwithstanding every effort to disunite us1 has still remained so4--,still remained so6--,no1 alas6 ,i have just lost him6--but his affection terminated only with his life--death alone could put a period to our friendship4 ,monsieur de ,gauffecourt was one of the most amiable men that ever existed2 it was impossible to see him without affection1 or to live with him without feeling a sincere attachment4 ,in my life ,i never saw features more expressive of goodness and serenity1 or that marked more feeling1 more understanding1 or inspired greater confidence4 ,however reserved one might be1 it was impossible even at first sight to avoid being as free with him as if he had been an acquaintance of twenty years2 for myself1 who find so much difficulty to be at ease among new faces1 ,i was familiar with him in a moment4 ,his manner1 accent1 and conversation1 perfectly suited his features3 the sound of his voice was clear1 full and musical2 it was an agreeable and expressive bass1 which satisfied the ear1 and sounded full upon the heart4 ,it was impossible to possess a more equal and pleasing vivacity1 or more real and unaffected gracefulness1 more natural talents1 or cultivated with greater taste2 join to all these good qualities an affectionate heart1 but loving rather too diffusively1 and bestowing his favors with too little caution2 serving his friends with zeal1 or rather making himself the friend of every one he could serve1 yet contriving very dexterously to manage his own affairs1 while warmly pursuing the interests of others4 ,gauffecourt was the son of a clock-maker1 and would have been a clock-maker himself had not his person and desert called him to a superior situation4 ,he became acquainted with ,m4 de la ,closure1 the ,french ,resident at ,geneva1 who conceived a friendship for him1 and procured him some connections at ,paris1 which were useful1 and through whose influence he obtained the privilege of furnishing the salts of ,valais1 which was worth twenty thousand livres a year4 ,this very amply satisfied his wishes with respect to fortune1 but with regard to women he was more difficult2 he had to provide for his own happiness1 and did what he supposed most conducive to it4 ,what renders his character most remarkable1 and does him the greatest honor1 is1 that though connected with all conditions1 he was universally esteemed and sought after without being envied or hated by any one1 and ,i really believe he passed through life without a single enemy4--,happy man6 ,he went every year to the baths of ,aix1 where the best company from the neighboring countries resorted1 and being on terms of friendship with all the nobility of ,savoy1 came from ,aix to ,chambery to see the young ,count de ,bellegarde and his father the ,marquis of ,antremont4 ,it was here ,madam de ,warens introduced me to him1 and this acquaintance1 which appeared at that time to end in nothing1 after many years had elapsed1 was renewed on an occasion which ,i should relate1 when it became a real friendship4 ,i apprehend ,i am sufficiently authorized in speaking of a man to whom ,i was so firmly attached1 but ,i had no personal interest in what concerned him2 he was so truly amiable1 and born with so many natural good qualities that1 for the honor of human nature1 ,i should think it necessary to preserve his memory4 ,this man1 estimable as he certainly was1 had1 like other mortals1 some failings1 as will be seen hereafter2 perhaps had it not been so1 he would have been less amiable1 since1 to render him as interesting as possible1 it was necessary he should sometimes act in such a manner as to require a small portion of indulgence4 ,another connection of the same time1 that is not yet extinguished1 and continues to flatter me with the idea of temporal happiness1 which it is so difficult to obliterate from the human heart1 is ,monsieur de ,conzie1 a ,savoyard gentleman1 then young and amiable1 who had a fancy to learn music1 or rather to be acquainted with the person who taught it4 ,with great understanding and taste for polite acquirements1 ,m4 de ,conzie possessed a mildness of disposition which rendered him extremely attractive1 and my temper being somewhat similar1 when it found a counterpart1 our friendship was soon formed4 ,the seeds of literature and philosophy1 which began to ferment in my brain1 and only waited for culture and emulation to spring up1 found in him exactly what was wanting to render them prolific4 ,m4 de ,conzie had no great inclination to music1 and even this was useful to me1 for the hours destined for lessons were passed anyhow rather than musically2 we breakfasted1 chatted1 and read new publications1 but not a word of music4 ,the correspondence between ,voltaire and the ,prince ,royal of ,prussia1 then made a noise in the world1 and these celebrated men were frequently the subject of our conversation1 one of whom recently seated on a throne1 already indicated what he would prove himself hereafter1 while the other1 as much disgraced as he is now admired1 made us sincerely lament the misfortunes that seemed to pursue him1 and which are so frequently the appendage of superior talents4 ,the ,prince of ,prussia had not been happy in his youth1 and it appeared that ,voltaire was formed never to be so4 ,the interest we took in both parties extended to all that concerned them1 and nothing that ,voltaire wrote escaped us4 ,the inclination ,i felt for these performances inspired me with a desire to write elegantly1 and caused me to endeavor to imitate the colorings of that author1 with whom ,i was so much enchanted4 ,some time after1 his philosophical letters 7though certainly not his best work7 greatly augmented my fondness for study2 it was a rising inclination1 which1 from that time1 has never been extinguished4 ,but the moment was not yet arrived when ,i should give into it entirely2 my rambling disposition 7rather contracted than eradicated7 being kept alive by our manner of living at ,madam de ,warens1 which was too unsettled for one of my solitary temper4 ,the crowd of strangers who daily swarmed about her from all parts1 and the certainty ,i was in that these people sought only to dupe her1 each in his particular mode1 rendered home disagreeable4 ,since ,i had succeeded ,anet in the confidence of his mistress1 ,i had strictly examined her circumstances1 and saw their evil tendency with horror4 ,i had remonstrated a hundred times1 prayed1 argued1 conjured1 but all to no purpose4 ,i had thrown myself at her feet1 and strongly represented the catastrophe that threatened her1 had earnestly entreated that she would reform her expenses1 and begin with myself1 representing that it was better to suffer something while she was yet young1 than by multiplying her debts and creditors1 expose her old age to vexation and misery4 ,sensible of the sincerity of my zeal1 she was frequently affected1 and would then make the finest promises in the world3 but only let an artful schemer arrive1 and in an instant all her good resolutions were forgotten4 ,after a thousand proofs of the inefficacy of my remonstrances1 what remained but to turn away my eyes from the ruin ,i could not prevent2 and fly myself from the door ,i could not guard6 ,i made therefore little journeys to ,geneva and ,lyons1 which diverted my mind in some measure from this secret uneasiness1 though it increased the cause by these additional expenses4 ,i can truly aver that ,i should have acquiesed with pleasure in every retrenchment1 had ,madam de ,warens really profited by it1 but being persuaded that what ,i might refuse myself would be distributed among a set of interested villains1 ,i took advantage of her easiness to partake with them1 and1 like the dog returning from the shambles1 carried off a portion of that morsel which ,i could not protect4 ,pretences were not wanting for all these journeys2 even ,madam de ,warens would alone have supplied me with more than were necessary1 having plenty of connections1 negotiations1 affairs1 and commissions1 which she wished to have executed by some trusty hand4 ,in these cases she usually applied to me2 ,i was always willing to go1 and consequently found occasions enough to furnish out a rambling kind of life4 ,these excursions procured me some good connections1 which have since been agreeable or useful to me4 ,among others1 ,i met at ,lyons1 with ,m4 ,perrichon1 whose friendship ,i accuse myself with not having sufficiently cultivated1 considering the kindness he had for me2 and that of the good ,parisot1 which ,i shall speak of in its place1 at ,grenoble1 that of ,madam ,deybens and ,madam la ,presidente de ,bardonanche1 a woman of great understanding1 and who would have entertained a friendship for me had it been in my power to have seen her oftener2 at ,geneva1 that of ,m4 de ,closure1 the ,french ,resident1 who often spoke to me of my mother1 the remembrance of whom neither death nor time had erased from his heart2 likewise those of the two ,barillots1 the father1 who was very amiable1 a good companion1 and one of the most worthy men ,i ever met1 calling me his grandson4 ,during the troubles of the republic1 these two citizens took contrary sides1 the son siding with the people1 the father with the magistrates4 ,when they took up arms in #agcg1 ,i was at ,geneva1 and saw the father and son quit the same house armed1 the one going to the townhouse1 the other to his quarters1 almost certain to meet face to face in the course of two hours1 and prepared to give or receive death from each other4 ,this unnatural sight made so lively an impression on me1 that ,i solemnly vowed never to interfere in any civil war1 nor assist in deciding our internal dispute by arms1 either personally or by my influence1 should ,i ever enter into my rights as a citizen4 ,i can bring proofs of having kept this oath on a very delicate occasion1 and it will be confessed 7at least ,i should suppose so7 that this moderation was of some worth4 ,but ,i had not yet arrived at that fermentation of patriotism which the first sight of ,geneva in arms has since excited in my heart1 as may be conjectured by a very grave fact that will not tell to my advantage1 which ,i forgot to put in its proper place1 but which ought not to be omitted4 ,my uncle ,bernard died at ,carolina1 where he had been employed some years in the building of ,charles ,town1 which he had formed the plan of4 ,my poor cousin1 too1 died in the ,prussian service2 thus my aunt lost1 nearly at the same period1 her son and husband4 ,these losses reanimated in some measure her affection for the nearest relative she had remaining1 which was myself4 ,when ,i went to ,geneva1 ,i reckoned her house my home1 and amused myself with rummaging and turning over the books and papers my uncle had left4 ,among them ,i found some curious ones1 and some letters which they certainly little thought of4 ,my aunt1 who set no store by these dusty papers1 would willingly have given the whole to me1 but ,i contented myself with two or three books1 with notes written by the ,minister ,bernard1 my grandfather1 and among the rest1 the posthumous works of ,rohault in quarto1 the margins of which were full of excellent commentaries1 which gave me an inclination to the mathematics4 ,this book remained among those of ,madam de ,warens1 and ,i have since lamented that ,i did not preserve it4 ,to these ,i added five or six memorials in manuscript1 and a printed one1 composed by the famous ,micheli ,ducret1 a man of considerable talents1 being both learned and enlightened1 but too much1 perhaps1 inclined to sedition1 for which he was cruelly treated by the magistrates of ,geneva1 and lately died in the fortress of ,arberg1 where he had been confined many years1 for being1 as it was said1 concerned in the conspiracy of ,berne4 ,this memorial was a judicious critique on the extensive but ridiculous plan of fortification1 which had been adopted at ,geneva1 though censured by every person of judgment in the art1 who was unacquainted with the secret motives of the council1 in the execution of this magnificent enterprise4 ,monsieur de ,micheli1 who had been excluded from the committee of fortification for having condemned this plan1 thought that1 as a citizen1 and a member of the two hundred1 he might give his advice1 at large1 and therefore1 did so in this memorial1 which he was imprudent enough to have printed1 though he never published it1 having only those copies struck off which were meant for the two hundred1 and which were all intercepted at the post-house by order of the ,senate4 ,the grand council of ,geneva in ,december1 #agbh1 pronounced this paper highly disrespectful to the councils1 and injurious to the committee of fortification4 ,i found this memorial among my uncle's papers1 with the answer he had been ordered to make to it1 and took both4 ,this was soon after ,i had left my place at the survey1 and ,i yet remained on good terms with the ,counsellor de ,coccelli1 who had the management of it4 ,some time after1 the director of the custom-house entreated me to stand godfather to his child1 with ,madam ,coccelli1 who was to be godmother3 proud of being placed on such terms of equality with the counsellor1 ,i wished to assume importance1 and show myself worthy of that honor4 ,full of this idea1 ,i thought ,i could do nothing better than show him ,micheli's memorial1 which was really a scarce piece1 and would prove ,i was connected with people of consequence in ,geneva1 who were intrusted with the secrets of the state1 yet by a kind of reserve which ,i should find it difficult to account for1 ,i did not show him my uncle's answer1 perhaps1 because it was manuscript1 and nothing less than print was worthy to approach the counsellor4 ,he understood1 however1 so well the importance of this paper1 which ,i had the folly to put into his hands1 that ,i could never after get it into my possession1 and being convinced that every effort for that purpose would be ineffectual1 ,i made a merit of my forbearance1 transforming the theft into a present4 ,i made no doubt that this writing 7more curious1 however1 than useful7 answered his purpose at the court of ,turin1 where probably he took care to be reimbursed in some way or other for the expense which the acquisition of it might be supposed to have cost him4 ,happily1 of all future contingencies1 the least probable1 is1 that ever the ,king of ,sardina should besiege ,geneva1 but as that event is not absolutely impossible1 ,i shall ever reproach my foolish vanity with having been the means of pointing out the greatest defects of that city to its most ancient enemy4 ,i passed two or three years in this manner1 between music1 study1 projects1 and journeys1 floating incessantly from one object to another1 and wishing to fix though ,i knew not on what1 but insensibly inclining towards study4 ,i was acquainted with men of letters1 ,i had heard them speak of literature1 and sometimes mingled in the conversation1 yet rather adopted the jargon of books1 than the knowledge they contained4 ,in my excursions to ,geneva1 ,i frequently called on my good old friend ,monsieur ,simon1 who greatly promoted my rising emulation by fresh news from the republic of letters1 extracted from ,baillet or ,colomies4 ,i frequently saw too1 at ,chambery1 a ,dominican professor of physic1 a good kind of friar1 whose name ,i have forgotten1 who often made little chemical experiments which greatly amused me4 ,in imitation of him1 ,i attempted to make some sympathetic ink1 and having for that purpose more than half filled a bottle with quicklime1 orpiment1 and water1 the effervescence immediately became extremely violent2 ,i ran to unstop the bottle1 but had not time to effect it1 for1 during the attempt1 it burst in my face like a bomb1 and ,i swallowed so much of the orpiment and lime1 that it nearly cost me my life4 ,i remained blind for six weeks1 and by the event of this experiment learned to meddle no more with experimental ,chemistry while the elements were unknown to me4 ,this adventure happened very unluckily for my health1 which1 for some time past1 had been visibly on the decline4 ,this was rather extraordinary1 as ,i was guilty of no kind of excess2 nor could it have been expected from my make1 for my chest1 being well formed and rather capacious1 seemed to give my lungs full liberty to play2 yet ,i was short breathed1 felt a very sensible oppression1 sighed involuntarily1 had palpitations of the heart1 and spitting of blood1 accompanied with a lingering fever1 which ,i have never since entirely overcome4 ,how is it possible to fall into such a state in the flower of one's age1 without any inward decay1 or without having done anything to destroy health8 ,it is sometimes said1 the sword wears the scabbard1 this was truly the case with me3 the violence of my passions both kept me alive and hastened my dissolution4 ,what passions8 will be asked3 mere nothings3 the most trivial objects in nature1 but which affected me as forcibly as if the acquisition of a ,helen1 or the throne of the universe were at stake4 ,my senses1 for instance1 were at ease with one woman1 but my heart never was1 and the necessities of love consumed me in the very bosom of happiness4 ,i had a tender1 respected and lovely friend1 but ,i sighed for a mistress2 my prolific fancy painted her as such1 and gave her a thousand forms1 for had ,i conceived that my endearments had been lavished on ,madam de ,warens1 they would not have been less tender1 though infinitely more tranquil4 ,but is it possible for man to taste1 in their utmost extent1 the delights of love8 ,i cannot tell1 but ,i am persuaded my frail existence would have sunk under the weight of them4 ,i was1 therefore1 dying for love without an object1 and this state1 perhaps1 is1 of all others1 the most dangerous4 ,i was likewise uneasy1 tormented at the bad state of poor ,madam de ,warens' circumstances1 and the imprudence of her conduct1 which could not fail to bring them1 in a short time1 to total ruin4 ,my tortured imagination 7which ever paints misfortunes in the extremity7 continually beheld this in its utmost excess1 and in all the horror of its consequences4 ,i already saw myself forced by want to quit her--to whom ,i had consecrated my future life1 and without whom ,i could not hope for happiness3 thus was my soul continually agitated1 and hopes and fears devoured me alternately4 ,music was a passion less turbulent1 but not less consuming1 from the ardor with which ,i attached myself to it1 by the obstinate study of the obscure books of ,rameau2 by an invincible resolution to charge my memory with rules it could not contain2 by continual application1 and by long and immense compilations which ,i frequently passed whole nights in copying3 but why dwell on these particularly1 while every folly that took possession of my wandering brain1 the most transient ideas of a single day1 a journey1 a concert1 a supper1 a walk1 a novel to read1 a play to see1 things in the world the least premeditated in my pleasures or occupation became for me the most violent passions1 which by their ridiculous impetuosity conveyed the most serious torments2 even the imaginary misfortunes of ,cleveland1 read with avidity and frequent interruption1 have1 ,i am persuaded1 disordered me more than my own4 ,there was a ,genevese1 named ,bagueret1 who had been employed under ,peter the ,great1 of the court of ,russia1 one of the most worthless1 senseless fellows ,i ever met with2 full of projects as foolish as himself1 which were to rain down millions on those who took part in them4 ,this man1 having come to ,chambery on account of some suit depending before the senate1 immediately got acquainted with ,madam de ,warens1 and with great reason on his side1 since for those imaginary treasures that cost him nothing1 and which he bestowed with the utmost prodigality1 he gained1 in exchange1 the unfortunate crown pieces one by one out of her pocket4 ,i did not like him1 and he plainly perceived this1 for with me it is not a very difficult discovery1 nor did he spare any sort of meanness to gain my good will1 and among other things proposed teaching me to play at chess1 which game he understood something of4 ,i made an attempt1 though almost against my inclination1 and after several efforts1 having learned the moves1 my progress was so rapid1 that before the end of the first sitting ,i gave him the rook1 which in the beginning he had given me4 ,nothing more was necessary2 behold me fascinated with chess6 ,i buy a board1 with the rest of the apparatus1 and shutting myself up in my chamber1 pass whole days and nights in studying all the varieties of the game1 being determined by playing alone1 without end or relaxation1 to drive them into my head1 right or wrong4 ,after incredible efforts1 during two or three months passed in this curious employment1 ,i go to the coffee-house1 thin1 sallow1 and almost stupid2 ,i seat myself1 and again attack ,m4 ,bagueret3 he beats me1 once1 twice1 twenty times2 so many combinations were fermenting in my head1 and my imagination was so stupefied1 that all appeared confusion4 ,i tried to exercise myself with ,philidor's or ,stamina's book of instructions1 but ,i was still equally perplexed1 and1 after having exhausted myself with fatigue1 was further to seek than ever1 and whether ,i abandoned my chess for a time1 or resolved to surmount every difficulty by unremitted practice1 it was the same thing4 ,i could never advance one step beyond the improvement of the first sitting1 nay1 ,i am convinced that had ,i studied it a thousand ages1 ,i should have ended by being able to give ,bagueret the rook and nothing more4 ,it will be said my time was well employed1 and not a little of it passed in this occupation1 nor did ,i quit my first essay till unable to persist in it1 for on leaving my apartment ,i had the appearance of a corpse1 and had ,i continued this course much longer ,i should certainly have been one4 ,any one will allow that it would have been extraordinary1 especially in the ardor of youth1 that such a head should suffer the body to enjoy continued health2 the alteration of mine had an effect on my temper1 moderating the ardor of my chimerical fancies1 for as ,i grew weaker they became more tranquil1 and ,i even lost1 in some measure1 my rage for travelling4 ,i was not seized with heaviness1 but melancholy2 vapors succeeded passions1 languor became sorrow3 ,i wept and sighed without cause1 and felt my life ebbing away before ,i had enjoyed it4 ,i only trembled to think of the situation in which ,i should leave my dear ,madam de ,warens2 and ,i can truly say1 that quitting her1 and leaving her in these melancholy circumstances1 was my only concern4 ,at length ,i fell quite ill1 and was nursed by her as never mother nursed a child4 ,the care she took of me was of real utility to her affairs1 since it diverted her mind from schemes1 and kept projectors at a distance4 ,how pleasing would death have been at that time1 when1 if ,i had not tasted many of the pleasures of life1 ,i had felt but few of its misfortunes4 ,my tranquil soul would have taken her flight1 without having experienced those cruel ideas of the injustice of mankind which embitters both life and death4 ,i should have enjoyed the sweet consolation that ,i still survived in the dearer part of myself3 in the situation ,i then was1 it could hardly be called death2 and had ,i been divested of my uneasiness on her account1 it would have appeared but a gentle sleep2 yet even these disquietudes had such an affectionate and tender turn1 that their bitterness was tempered by a pleasing sensibility4 ,i said to her1 ,you are the depository of my whole being1 act so that ,i may be happy4 ,two or three times1 when my disorder was most violent1 ,i crept to her apartment to give her my advice respecting her future conduct2 and ,i dare affirm these admonitions were both wise and equitable1 in which the interest ,i took in her future concerns was strongly marked4 ,as if tears had been both nourishment and medicine1 ,i found myself the better for those ,i shed with her1 while seated on her bed-side1 and holding her hands between mine4 ,the hours crept insensibly away in these nocturnal discourses2 ,i returned to my chamber better than ,i had quitted it1 being content and calmed by the promises she made1 and the hopes with which she had inspired me3 ,i slept on them with my heart at peace1 and fully resigned to the dispensations of ,providence4 ,god grant1 that after having had so many reasons to hate life1 after being agitated with so many storms1 after it has even become a burden1 that death1 which must terminate all1 may be no more terrible than it would have been at that moment6 ,by inconceivable care and vigilance1 she saved my life2 and ,i am convinced she alone could have done this4 ,i have little faith in the skill of physicians1 but depend greatly on the assistance of real friends1 and am persuaded that being easy in those particulars on which our happiness depends1 is more salutary than any other application4 ,if there is a sensation in life peculiarly delightful1 we experienced it in being restored to each other2 our mutual attachment did not increase1 for that was impossible1 but it became1 ,i know not how1 more exquisitely tender1 fresh softness being added to its former simplicity4 ,i became in a manner her work2 we got into the habit1 though without design1 of being continually with each other1 and enjoying1 in some measure1 our whole existence together1 feeling reciprocally that we were not only necessary1 but entirely sufficient for each other's happiness4 ,accustomed to think of no subject foreign to ourselves1 our happiness and all our desires were confined to that pleasing and singular union1 which1 perhaps1 had no equal1 which is not1 as ,i have before observed1 love1 but a sentiment inexpressibly more intimate1 neither depending on the senses1 age1 nor figure1 but an assemblage of every endearing sensation that composes our rational existence and which can cease only with our being4 ,how was it that this delightful crisis did not secure our mutual felicity for the remainder of her life and mine8 ,i have the consoling conviction that it was not my fault2 nay1 ,i am persuaded1 she did not wilfully destroy it2 the invincible peculiarity of my disposition was doomed soon to regain its empire2 but this fatal return was not suddenly accomplished1 there was1 thank ,heaven1 a short but precious interval1 that did not conclude by my fault1 and which ,i cannot reproach myself with having employed amiss4 ,though recovered from my dangerous illness1 ,i did not regain my strength2 my stomach was weak1 some remains of the fever kept me in a languishing condition1 and the only inclination ,i was sensible of1 was to end my days near one so truly dear to me2 to confirm her in those good resolutions she had formed2 to convince her in what consisted the real charms of a happy life1 and1 as far as depended on me1 to render hers so2 but ,i foresaw that in a gloomy1 melancholy house1 the continual solitude of our tete-a-tetes would at length become too dull and monotonous3 a remedy presented itself3 ,madam de ,warens had prescribed milk for me1 and insisted that ,i should take it in the country2 ,i consented1 provided she would accompany me2 nothing more was necessary to gain her compliance1 and whither we should go was all that remained to be determined on4 ,our garden 7which ,i have before mentioned7 was not properly in the country1 being surrounded by houses and other gardens1 and possessing none of those attractions so desirable in a rural retreat2 besides1 after the death of ,anet1 we had given up this place from economical principles1 feeling no longer a desire to rear plants1 and other views making us not regret the loss of that little retreat4 ,improving the distaste ,i found she began to imbibe for the town1 ,i proposed to abandon it entirely1 and settle ourselves in an agreeable solitude1 in some small house1 distant enough from the city to avoid the perpetual intrusion of her hangers-on4 ,she followed my advice1 and this plan1 which her good angel and mine suggested1 might fully have secured our happiness and tranquility till death had divided us--but this was not the state we were appointed to2 ,madam de ,warens was destined to endure all the sorrows of indigence and poverty1 after having passed the former part of her life in abundance1 that she might learn to quit it with the less regret2 and myself1 by an assemblage of misfortunes of all kinds1 was to become a striking example to those who1 inspired with a love of justice and the public good1 and trusting too implicitly to their own innocence1 shall openly dare to assert truth to mankind1 unsupported by cabals1 or without having previously formed parties to protect them4 ,an unhappy fear furnished some objections to our plan3 she did not dare to quit her ill-contrived house1 for fear of displeasing the proprietor4 ,your proposed retirement is charming1 said she1 and much to my taste1 but we are necessitated to remain here1 for1 on quitting this dungeon1 ,i hazard losing the very means of life1 and when these fail us in the woods1 we must again return to seek them in the city4 ,that we may have the least possible cause for being reduced to this necessity1 let us not leave this house entirely1 but pay a small pension to the ,count of ,saint-,laurent1 that he may continue mine4 ,let us seek some little habitation1 far enough from the town to be at peace1 yet near enough to return when it may appear convenient4 ,this mode was finally adopted2 and after some small search1 we fixed at ,charmettes1 on an estate belonging to ,m4 de ,conzie1 at a very small distance from ,chambery2 but as retired and solitary as if it had been a hundred leagues off4 ,the spot we had concluded on was a valley between two tolerably high hills1 which ran north and south2 at the bottom1 among the trees and pebbles1 ran a rivulet1 and above the declivity1 on either side1 were scattered a number of houses1 forming altogether a beautiful retreat for those who love a peaceful romantic asylum4 ,after having examined two or three of these houses1 we chose that which we thought the most pleasing1 which was the property of a gentleman of the army1 called ,m4 ,noiret4 ,this house was in good condition1 before it a garden1 forming a terrace2 below that on the declivity an orchard1 and on the ascent1 behind the house1 a vineyard3 a little wood of chestnut trees opposite2 a fountain just by1 and higher up the hill1 meadows for the cattle2 in short1 all that could be thought necessary for the country retirement we proposed to establish4 ,to the best of my remembrance1 we took possession of it toward the latter end of the summer of #agcf4 ,i was delighted on going to sleep there--,oh6 said ,i1 to this dear friend1 embracing her with tears of tenderness and delight1 this is the abode of happiness and innocence2 if we do not find them here together it will be in vain to seek them elsewhere4 ,,book ,,vi4 ,hoc erat in votis3 ,modus agri non ita magnus ,hortus ubi1 et tecto vicinus aqua fons2 ,et paulum sylvae super his foret4 ,i cannot add1 'auctius acque di melius fecere'2 but no matter1 the former is enough for my purpose2 ,i had no occasion to have any property there1 it was sufficient that ,i enjoyed it2 for ,i have long since both said and felt1 that the proprietor and possessor are two very different people1 even leaving husbands and lovers out of the question4 ,at this moment began the short happiness of my life1 those peaceful and rapid moments1 which have given me a right to say1 ,i have lived4 ,precious and ever-regretted moments6 ,ah6 recommence your delightful course2 pass more slowly through my memory1 if possible1 than you actually did in your fugitive succession4 ,how shall ,i prolong1 according to my inclination1 this recital at once so pleasing and simple8 ,how shall ,i continue to relate the same occurrences1 without wearying my readers with the repetition1 any more than ,i was satiated with the enjoyment8 ,again1 if all this consisted of facts1 actions1 or words1 ,i could somehow or other convey an idea of it2 but how shall ,i describe what was neither said nor done1 nor even thought1 but enjoyed1 felt1 without being able to particularize any other object of my happiness than the bare idea8 ,i rose with the sun1 and was happy2 ,i walked1 and was happy2 ,i saw ,madam de ,warens1 and was happy2 ,i quitted her1 and still was happy6--,whether ,i rambled through the woods1 over the hills1 or strolled along the valley2 read1 was idle1 worked in the garden1 or gathered fruits1 happiness continually accompanied me2 it was fixed on no particular object1 it was within me1 nor could ,i depart from it a single moment4 ,nothing that passed during that charming epocha1 nothing that ,i did1 said1 or thought1 has escaped my memory4 ,the time that preceded or followed it1 ,i only recollect by intervals1 unequally and confused2 but here ,i remember all as distinctly as if it existed at this moment4 ,imagination1 which in my youth was perpetually anticipating the future1 but now takes a retrograde course1 makes some amends by these charming recollections for the deprivation of hope1 which ,i have lost forever4 ,i no longer see anything in the future that can tempt my wishes1 it is a recollection of the past alone that can flatter me1 and the remembrance of the period ,i am now describing is so true and lively1 that it sometimes makes me happy1 even in spite of my misfortunes4 ,of these recollections ,i shall relate one example1 which may give some idea of their force and precision4 ,the first day we went to sleep at ,charmettes1 the way being up-hill1 and ,madam de ,warens rather heavy1 she was carried in a chair1 while ,i followed on foot4 ,fearing the chairmen would be fatigued1 she got out about half-way1 designing to walk the rest of it4 ,as we passed along1 she saw something blue in the hedge1 and said1 ,there's some periwinkle in flower yet6 ,i had never seen any before1 nor did ,i stop to examine this3 my sight is too short to distinguish plants on the ground1 and ,i only cast a look at this as ,i passed3 an interval of near thirty years had elapsed before ,i saw any more periwinkle1 at least before ,i observed it1 when being at ,cressier in #agfd1 with my friend1 ,m4 du ,peyrou1 we went up a small mountain1 on the summit of which there is a level spot1 called1 with reason1 ',belle-vue'1 ,i was then beginning to herbalize2--walking and looking among the bushes1 ,i exclaimed with rapture1 ,ah1 there's some periwinkle6 ,du ,peyrou1 who perceived my transport1 was ignorant of the cause1 but will some day be informed3 ,i hope1 on reading this4 ,the reader may judge by this impression1 made by so small an incident1 what an effect must have been produced by every occurrence of that time4 ,meantime1 the air of the country did not restore my health2 ,i was languishing and became more so2 ,i could not endure milk1 and was obliged to discontinue the use of it4 ,water was at this time the fashionable remedy for every complaint2 accordingly ,i entered on a course of it1 and so indiscreetly1 that it almost released me1 not only from my illness but also from my life4 ,the water ,i drank was rather hard and difficult to pass1 as water from mountains generally is2 in short1 ,i managed so well1 that in the course of two months ,i totally ruined my stomach1 which until that time had been very good1 and no longer digesting anything properly1 had no reason to expect a cure4 ,at this time an accident happened1 as singular in itself as in its subsequent consequences1 which can only terminate with my existence4 ,one morning1 being no worse than usual1 while putting up the leaf of a small table1 ,i felt a sudden and almost inconceivable revolution throughout my whole frame4 ,i know not how to describe it better than as a kind of tempest1 which suddenly rose in my blood1 and spread in a moment over every part of my body4 ,my arteries began beating so violently that ,i not only felt their motion1 but even heard it1 particularly that of the carotids1 attended by a loud noise in my ears1 which was of three1 or rather four1 distinct kinds4 ,for instance1 first a grave hollow buzzing2 then a more distinct murmur1 like the running of water2 then an extremely sharp hissing1 attended by the beating ,i before mentioned1 and whose throbs ,i could easily count1 without feeling my pulse1 or putting a hand to any part of my body4 ,this internal tumult was so violent that it has injured my auricular organs1 and rendered me1 from that time1 not entirely deaf1 but hard of hearing4 ,my surprise and fear may easily be conceived2 imagining it was the stroke of death1 ,i went to bed1 and the physician being sent for1 trembling with apprehension1 ,i related my case2 judging it past all cure4 ,i believe the doctor was of the same opinion2 however he performed his office1 running over a long string of causes and effects beyond my comprehension1 after which1 in consequence of this sublime theory1 he set about1 'in anima vili'1 the experimental part of his art1 but the means he was pleased to adopt in order to effect a cure were so troublesome1 disgusting1 and followed by so little effect1 that ,i soon discontinued it1 and after some weeks1 finding ,i was neither better nor worse1 left my bed1 and returned to my usual method of living2 but the beating of my arteries and the buzzing in my ears has never quitted me a moment during the thirty years' time which has elapsed since that time4 ,till now1 ,i had been a great sleeper1 but a total privation of repose1 with other alarming symptoms which have accompanied it1 even to this time1 persuaded me ,i had but a short time to live4 ,this idea tranquillized me for a time3 ,i became less anxious about a cure1 and being persuaded ,i could not prolong life1 determined to employ the remainder of it as usefully as possible4 ,this was practicable by a particular indulgence of ,nature1 which1 in this melancholy state1 exempted me from sufferings which it might have been supposed ,i should have experienced4 ,i was incommoded by the noise1 but felt no pain1 nor was it accompanied by any habitual inconvenience1 except nocturnal wakefulness1 and at all times a shortness of breath1 which is not violent enough to be called an asthma1 but was troublesome when ,i attempted to run1 or use any degree of exertion4 ,this accident1 which seemed to threaten the dissolution of my body1 only killed my passions1 and ,i have reason to thank ,heaven for the happy effect produced by it on my soul4 ,i can truly say1 ,i only began to live when ,i considered myself as entering the grave2 for1 estimating at their real value those things ,i was quitting2 ,i began to employ myself on nobler objects1 namely by anticipating those ,i hoped shortly to have the contemplation of1 and which ,i had hitherto too much neglected4 ,i had often made light of religion1 but was never totally devoid of it2 consequently1 it cost me less pain to employ my thoughts on that subject1 which is generally thought melancholy1 though highly pleasing to those who make it an object of hope and consolation2 ,madam de ,warens1 therefore1 was more useful to me on this occasion than all the theologians in the world would have been4 ,she1 who brought everything into a system1 had not failed to do as much by religion2 and this system was composed of ideas that bore no affinity to each other4 ,some were extremely good1 and others very ridiculous1 being made up of sentiments proceeding from her disposition1 and prejudices derived from education4 ,men1 in general1 make ,god like themselves2 the virtuous make ,him good1 and the profligate make ,him wicked2 ill-tempered and bilious devotees see nothing but hell1 because they would willingly damn all mankind2 while loving and gentle souls disbelieve it altogether2 and one of the astonishments ,i could never overcome1 is to see the good ,fenelon speak of it in his ,telemachus as if he really gave credit to it2 but ,i hope he lied in that particular1 for however strict he might be in regard to truth1 a bishop absolutely must lie sometimes4 ,madam de ,warens spoke truth with me1 and that soul1 made up without gall1 who could not imagine a revengeful and ever angry ,god1 saw only clemency and forgiveness1 where devotees bestowed inflexible justice1 and eternal punishment4 ,she frequently said there would be no justice in the ,supreme ,being should ,he be strictly just to us2 because1 not having bestowed what was necessary to render us essentially good1 it would be requiring more than he had given4 ,the most whimsical idea was1 that not believing in hell1 she was firmly persuaded of the reality of purgatory4 ,this arose from her not knowing what to do with the wicked1 being loathed to damn them utterly1 nor yet caring to place them with the good till they had become so2 and we must really allow1 that both in this world and the next1 the wicked are very troublesome company4 ,it is clearly seen that the doctrine of original sin and the redemption of mankind is destroyed by this system2 consequently that the basis of the ,christian dispensation1 as generally received1 is shaken1 and that the ,catholic faith cannot subsist with these principles2 ,madam de ,warens1 notwithstanding1 was a good ,catholic1 or at least pretended to be one1 and certainly desired to become such1 but it appeared to her that the ,scriptures were too literally and harshly explained1 supposing that all we read of everlasting torments were figurative threatenings1 and the death of ,jesus ,christ an example of charity1 truly divine1 which should teach mankind to love ,god and each other2 in a word1 faithful to the religion she had embraced1 she acquiesced in all its professions of faith1 but on a discussion of each particular article1 it was plain she thought diametrically opposite to that church whose doctrines she professed to believe4 ,in these cases she exhibited simplicity of art1 a frankness more eloquent than sophistry1 which frequently embarrassed her confessor2 for she disguised nothing from him4 ,i am a good ,catholic1 she would say1 and will ever remain so2 ,i adopt with all the powers of my soul the decisions of our holy ,mother ,church2 ,i am not mistress of my faith1 but ,i am of my will1 which ,i submit to you without reserve2 ,i will endeavor to believe all1--what can you require more8 ,had there been no ,christian morality established1 ,i am persuaded she would have lived as if regulated by its principles1 so perfectly did they seem to accord with her disposition4 ,she did everything that was required2 and she would have done the same had there been no such requisition3 but all this morality was subordinate to the principles of ,m4 ,tavel1 or rather she pretended to see nothing in religion that contradicted them2 thus she would have favored twenty lovers in a day1 without any idea of a crime1 her conscience being no more moved in that particular than her passions4 ,i know that a number of devotees are not more scrupulous1 but the difference is1 they are seduced by constitution1 she was blinded by her sophisms4 ,in the midst of conversations the most affecting1 ,i might say the most edifying1 she would touch on this subject1 without any change of air or manner1 and without being sensible of any contradiction in her opinions2 so much was she persuaded that our restrictions on that head are merely political1 and that any person of sense might interpret1 apply1 or make exceptions to them1 without any danger of offending the ,almighty4 ,though ,i was far enough from being of the same opinion in this particular1 ,i confess ,i dared not combat hers2 indeed1 as ,i was situated1 it would have been putting myself in rather awkward circumstances1 since ,i could only have sought to establish my opinion for others1 myself being an exception4 ,besides1 ,i entertained but little hopes of making her alter hers1 which never had any great influence on her conduct1 and at the time ,i am speaking of none2 but ,i have promised faithfully to describe her principles1 and ,i will perform my engagement--,i now return to myself4 ,finding in her all those ideas ,i had occasion for to secure me from the fears of death and its future consequences1 ,i drew confidence and security from this source2 my attachment became warmer than ever1 and ,i would willingly have transmitted to her my whole existence1 which seemed ready to abandon me4 ,from this redoubled attachment1 a persuasion that ,i had but a short time to live1 and profound security on my future state1 arose an habitual and even pleasing serenity1 which1 calming every passion that extends our hopes and fears1 made me enjoy without inquietude or concern the few days which ,i imagined remained for me4 ,what contributed to render them still snore agreeable was an endeavor to encourage her rising taste for the country1 by every amusement ,i could possibly devise1 wishing to attach her to her garden1 poultry1 pigeons1 and cows3 ,i amused myself with them and these little occupations1 which employed my time without injuring my tranquillity1 were more serviceable than a milk diet1 or all the remedies bestowed on my poor shattered machine1 even to effecting the utmost possible reestablishment of it4 ,the vintage and gathering in our fruit employed the remainder of the year2 we became more and more attached to a rustic life1 and the society of our honest neighbors4 ,we saw the approach of winter with regret1 and returned to the city as if going into exile4 ,to me this return was particularly gloomy1 who never expected to see the return of spring1 and thought ,i took an everlasting leave of ,charmettes4 ,i did not quit it without kissing the very earth and trees1 casting back many a wishful look as ,i went towards ,chambery4 ,having left my scholars for so long a time1 and lost my relish for the amusements of the town1 ,i seldom went out1 conversing only with ,madam de ,warens and a ,monsieur ,salomon1 who had lately become our physician4 ,he was an honest man1 of good understanding1 a great ,cartesian1 spoke tolerably well on the system of the world1 and his agreeable and instructive conversations were more serviceable than his prescriptions4 ,i could never bear that foolish trivial mode of conversation which is so generally adopted2 but useful instructive discourse has always given me great pleasure1 nor was ,i ever backward to join in it4 ,i was much pleased with that of ,m4 ,salomon2 it appeared to me1 that when in his company1 ,i anticipated the acquisition of that sublime knowledge which my soul would enjoy when freed from its mortal fetters4 ,the inclination ,i had for him extended to the subjects which he treated on1 and ,i began to look after books which might better enable me to understand his discourse4 ,those which mingled devotion with science were most agreeable to me1 particularly ,port ,royal's ,oratory1 and ,i began to read or rather to devour them4 ,one fell into my hands written by ,father ,lami1 called ',entretiens sur les ,sciences'1 which was a kind of introduction to the knowledge of those books it treated of4 ,i read it over a hundred times1 and resolved to make this my guide2 in short1 ,i found 7notwithstanding my ill state of health7 that ,i was irresistibly drawn towards study1 and though looking on each day as the last of my life1 read with as much avidity as if certain ,i was to live forever4 ,i was assured that reading would injure me2 but on the contrary1 ,i am rather inclined to think it was serviceable1 not only to my soul1 but also to my body2 for this application1 which soon became delightful1 diverted my thoughts from my disorders1 and ,i soon found myself much less affected by them4 ,it is certain1 however1 that nothing gave me absolute ease1 but having no longer any acute pain1 ,i became accustomed to languishment and wakefulness2 to thinking instead of acting2 in short1 ,i looked on the gradual and slow decay of my body as inevitably progressive and only to be terminated by death4 ,this opinion not only detached me from all the vain cares of life1 but delivered me from the importunity of medicine1 to which hitherto1 ,i had been forced to submit1 though contrary to my inclination4 ,salomon1 convinced that his drugs were unavailing1 spared me the disagreeable task of taking them1 and contented himself with amusing the grief of my poor ,madam de ,warens by some of those harmless preparations1 which serve to flatter the hopes of the patient and keep up the credit of the doctor4 ,i discontinued the strict regimen ,i had latterly observed1 resumed the use of wine1 and lived in every respect like a man in perfect health1 as far as my strength would permit1 only being careful to run into no excess2 ,i even began to go out and visit my acquaintance1 particularly ,m4 de ,conzie1 whose conversation was extremely pleasing to me4 ,whether it struck me as heroic to study to my last hour1 or that some hopes of life yet lingered in the bottom of my heart1 ,i cannot tell1 but the apparent certainty of death1 far from relaxing my inclination for improvement1 seemed to animate it1 and ,i hastened to acquire knowledge for the other world1 as if convinced ,i should only possess that portion ,i could carry with me4 ,i took a liking to the shop of a bookseller1 whose name was ,bouchard1 which was frequented by some men of letters1 and as the spring 7whose return ,i had never expected to see again7 was approaching1 furnished myself with some books for ,charmettes1 in case ,i should have the happiness to return there4 ,i had that happiness1 and enjoyed it to the utmost extent4 ,the rapture with which ,i saw the trees put out their first bud1 is inexpressible6 ,the return of spring seemed to me like rising from the grave into paradise4 ,the snow was hardly off the ground when we left our dungeon and returned to ,charmettes1 to enjoy the first warblings of the nightingale4 ,i now thought no more of dying1 and it is really singular1 that from this time ,i never experienced any dangerous illness in the country4 ,i have suffered greatly1 but never kept my bed1 and have often said to those about me1 on finding myself worse than ordinary1 ,should you see me at the point of death1 carry me under the shade of an oak1 and ,i promise you ,i shall recover4 ,though weak1 ,i resumed my country occupations1 as far as my strength would permit1 and conceived a real grief at not being able to manage our garden without help2 for ,i could not take five or six strokes with the spade without being out of breath and overcome with perspiration2 when ,i stooped the beating redoubled1 and the blood flew with such violence to my head1 that ,i was instantly obliged to stand upright4 ,being therefore confined to less fatiguing employments1 ,i busied myself about the dove-house1 and was so pleased with it that ,i sometimes passed several hours there without feeling a moment's weariness4 ,the pigeon is very timid and difficult to tame1 yet ,i inspired mine with so much confidence that they followed me everywhere1 letting me catch them at pleasure1 nor could ,i appear in the garden without having two or three on my arms or head in an instant1 and notwithstanding the pleasure ,i took in them1 their company became so troublesome that ,i was obliged to lessen the familiarity4 ,i have ever taken great pleasure in taming animals1 particularly those that are wild and fearful4 ,it appeared delightful to me1 to inspire them with a confidence which ,i took care never to abuse1 wishing them to love me freely4 ,i have already mentioned that ,i purchased some books3 ,i did not forget to read them1 but in a manner more proper to fatigue than instruct me4 ,i imagined that to read a book profitably1 it was necessary to be acquainted with every branch of knowledge it even mentioned2 far from thinking that the author did not do this himself1 but drew assistance from other books1 as he might see occasion4 ,full of this silly idea1 ,i was stopped every moment1 obliged to run from one book to another1 and sometimes1 before ,i could reach the tenth page of what ,i was studying1 found it necessary to turn over a whole library4 ,i was so attached to this ridiculous method1 that ,i lost a prodigious deal of time and had bewildered my head to such a degree1 that ,i was hardly capable of doing1 seeing or comprehending anything4 ,i fortunately perceived1 at length1 that ,i was in the wrong road1 which would entangle me in an inextricable labyrinth1 and quitted it before ,i was irrevocably lost4 ,when a person has any real taste for the sciences1 the first thing he perceives in the pursuit of them is that connection by which they mutually attract1 assist1 and enlighten each other1 and that it is impossible to attain one without the assistance of the rest4 ,though the human understanding cannot grasp all1 and one must ever be regarded as the principal object1 yet if the rest are totally neglected1 the favorite study is generally obscure2 ,i was convinced that my resolution to improve was good and useful in itself1 but that it was necessary ,i should change my method2 ,i1 therefore1 had recourse to the encyclopaedia4 ,i began by a distribution of the general mass of human knowledge into its various branches1 but soon discovered that ,i must pursue a contrary course1 that ,i must take each separately1 and trace it to that point where it united with the rest3 thus ,i returned to the general synthetical method1 but returned thither with a conviction that ,i was going right4 ,meditation supplied the want of knowledge1 and a very natural reflection gave strength to my resolutions1 which was1 that whether ,i lived or died1 ,i had no time to lose2 for having learned but little before the age of five-and-twenty1 and then resolving to learn everything1 was engaging to employ the future time profitably4 ,i was ignorant at what point accident or death might put a period to my endeavors1 and resolved at all events to acquire with the utmost expedition some idea of every species of knowledge1 as well to try my natural disposition1 as to judge for myself what most deserved cultivation4 ,in the execution of my plan1 ,i experienced another advantage which ,i had never thought of2 this was1 spending a great deal of time profitably4 ,nature certainly never meant me for study1 since attentive application fatigues me so much1 that ,i find it impossible to employ myself half an hour together intently on any one subject2 particularly while following another person's ideas1 for it has frequently happened that ,i have pursued my own for a much longer period with success4 ,after reading a few pages of an author with close application1 my understanding is bewildered1 and should ,i obstinately continue1 ,i tire myself to no purpose1 a stupefaction seizes me1 and ,i am no longer conscious of what ,i read2 but in a succession of various subjects1 one relieves me from the fatigue of the other1 and without finding respite necessary1 ,i can follow them with pleasure4 ,i took advantage of this observation in the plan of my studies1 taking care to intermingle them in such a manner that ,i was never weary3 it is true that domestic and rural concerns furnished many pleasing relaxations2 but as my eagerness for improvement increased1 ,i contrived to find opportunities for my studies1 frequently employing myself about two things at the same time1 without reflecting that both were consequently neglected4 ,in relating so many trifling details1 which delight me1 but frequently tire my reader1 ,i make use of the caution to suppress a great number1 though1 perhaps1 he would have no idea of this1 if ,i did not take care to inform him of it3 for example1 ,i recollect with pleasure all the different methods ,i adopted for the distribution of my time1 in such a manner as to produce the utmost profit and pleasure4 ,i may say1 that the portion of my life which ,i passed in this retirement1 though in continual ill-health1 was that in which ,i was least idle and least wearied4 ,two or three months were thus employed in discovering the bent of my genius2 meantime1 ,i enjoyed1 in the finest season of the year1 and in a spot it rendered delightful1 the charms of a life whose worth ,i was so highly sensible of1 in such a society1 as free as it was charming2 if a union so perfect1 and the extensive knowledge ,i purposed to acquire1 can be called society4 ,it seemed to me as if ,i already possessed the improvements ,i was only in pursuit of3 or rather better1 since the pleasure of learning constituted a great part of my happiness4 ,i must pass over these particulars1 which were to me the height of enjoyment1 but are too trivial to bear repeating3 indeed1 true happiness is indescribable1 it is only to be felt1 and this consciousness of felicity is proportionately more1 the less able we are to describe it2 because it does not absolutely result from a concourse of favorable incidents1 but is an affection of the mind itself4 ,i am frequently guilty of repetitions1 but should be infinitely more so1 did ,i repeat the same thing as often as it recurs with pleasure to my mind4 ,when at length my variable mode of life was reduced to a more uniform course1 the following was nearly the distribution of time which ,i adopted3 ,i rose every morning before the sun1 and passed through a neighboring orchard into a pleasant path1 which1 running by a vineyard1 led towards ,chambery4 ,while walking1 ,i offered up my prayers1 not by a vain motion of the lips1 but a sincere elevation of my heart1 to the ,great ,author of delightful nature1 whose beauties were so charmingly spread out before me6 ,i never love to pray in a chamber2 it seems to me that the walls and all the little workmanship of man interposed between ,god and myself3 ,i love to contemplate ,him in his works1 which elevate my soul1 and raise my thoughts to ,him4 ,my prayers were pure1 ,i can affirm it1 and therefore worthy to be heard3--,i asked for myself and her from whom my thoughts were never divided1 only an innocent and quiet life1 exempt from vice1 sorrow and want2 ,i prayed that we might die the death of the just1 and partake of their lot hereafter3 for the rest1 it was rather admiration and contemplation than request1 being satisfied that the best means to obtain what is necessary from the ,giver of every perfect good1 is rather to deserve than to solicit4 ,returning from my walk1 ,i lengthened the way by taking a roundabout path1 still contemplating with earnestness and delight the beautiful scenes with which ,i was surrounded1 those only objects that never fatigue either the eye or the heart4 ,as ,i approached our habitation1 ,i looked forward to see if ,madam de ,warens was stirring1 and when ,i perceived her shutters open1 ,i even ran with joy towards the house3 if they were yet shut ,i went into the garden to wait their opening1 amusing myself1 meantime1 by a retrospection of what ,i had read the preceding evening1 or in gardening4 ,the moment the shutter drew back ,i hastened to embrace her1 frequently half asleep2 and this salute1 pure as it was affectionate1 even from its innocence1 possessed a charm which the senses can never bestow4 ,we usually breakfasted on milk-coffee2 this was the time of day when we had most leisure1 and when we chatted with the greatest freedom4 ,these sittings1 which were usually pretty long1 have given me a fondness for breakfasts1 and ,i infinitely prefer those of ,england1 or ,switzerland1 which are considered as a meal1 at which all the family assemble1 than those of ,france1 where they breakfast alone in their several apartments1 or more frequently have none at all4 ,after an hour or two passed in discourse1 ,i went to my study till dinner2 beginning with some philosophical work1 such as the logic of ,port-,royal1 ,locke's ,essays1 ,mallebranche1 ,leibnitz1 ,descartes1 etc4 ,i soon found that these authors perpetually contradict each other1 and formed the chimerical project of reconciling them1 which cost me much labor and loss of time1 bewildering my head without any profit4 ,at length 7renouncing this idea7 ,i adopted one infinitely more profitable1 to which ,i attribute all the progress ,i have since made1 notwithstanding the defects of my capacity2 for 'tis certain ,i had very little for study4 ,on reading each author1 ,i acquired a habit of following all his ideas1 without suffering my own or those of any other writer to interfere with them1 or entering into any dispute on their utility4 ,i said to myself1 ,i will begin by laying up a stock of ideas1 true or false1 but clearly conceived1 till my understanding shall be sufficiently furnished to enable me to compare and make choice of those that are most estimable4 ,i am sensible this method is not without its inconveniences1 but it succeeded in furnishing me with a fund of instruction4 ,having passed some years in thinking after others1 without reflection1 and almost without reasoning1 ,i found myself possessed of sufficient materials to set about thinking on my own account1 and when journeys of business deprived me of the opportunities of consulting books1 ,i amused myself with recollecting and comparing what ,i had read1 weighing every opinion on the balance of reason1 and frequently judging my masters4 ,though it was late before ,i began to exercise my judicial faculties1 ,i have not discovered that they had lost their vigor1 and on publishing my own ideas1 have never been accused of being a servile disciple or of swearing 'in verba magistri'4 ,from these studies ,i passed to the elements of geometry1 for ,i never went further1 forcing my weak memory to retain them by going the same ground a hundred and a hundred times over4 ,i did not admire ,euclid1 who rather seeks a chain of demonstration than a connection of ideas3 ,i preferred the geometry of ,father ,lama1 who from that time became one of my favorite authors1 and whose works ,i yet read with pleasure4 ,algebra followed1 and ,father ,lama was still my guide3 when ,i made some progress1 ,i perused ,father ,reynaud's ,science of ,calculation1 and then his ,analysis ,demonstrated2 but ,i never went far enough thoroughly to understand the application of algebra to geometry4 ,i was not pleased with this method of performing operations by rule without knowing what ,i was about3 resolving geometrical problems by the help of equations seemed like playing a tune by turning round a handle4 ,the first time ,i found by calculation that the square of a binocular figure was composed of the square of each of its parts1 and double the product of one by the other2 though convinced that my multiplication was right1 ,i could not be satisfied till ,i had made and examined the figure3 not but ,i admire algebra when applied to abstract quantities1 but when used to demonstrate dimensions1 ,i wished to see the operation1 and unless explained by lines1 could not rightly comprehend it4 ,after this came ,latin3 it was my most painful study1 and in which ,i never made great progress4 ,i began by ,port-,royal's ,rudiments1 but without success2 ,i lost myself in a crowd of rules2 and in studying the last forgot all that preceded it4 ,a study of words is not calculated for a man without memory1 and it was principally an endeavor to make my memory more retentive1 that urged me obstinately to persist in this study1 which at length ,i was obliged to relinquish4 ,as ,i understood enough to read an easy author by the aid of a dictionary1 ,i followed that method1 and found it succeed tolerably well4 ,i likewise applied myself to translation1 not by writing1 but mentally1 and by exercise and perseverance attained to read ,latin authors easily1 but have never been able to speak or write that language1 which has frequently embarrassed me when ,i have found myself 7,i know not by what means7 enrolled among men of letters4 ,another inconvenience that arose from this manner of learning is1 that ,i never understood prosody1 much less the rules of versification2 yet1 anxious to understand the harmony of the language1 both in prose and verse1 ,i have made many efforts to obtain it1 but am convinced1 that without a master it is almost impossible4 ,having learned the composition of the hexameter1 which is the easiest of all verses1 ,i had the patience to measure out the greater part of ,virgil into feet and quantity1 and whenever ,i was dubious whether a syllable was long or short1 immediately consulted my ,virgil4 ,it may easily be conceived that ,i ran into many errors in consequence of those licenses permitted by the rules of versification2 and it is certain1 that if there is an advantage in studying alone1 there are also great inconveniences and inconceivable labor1 as ,i have experienced more than any one4 ,at twelve ,i quitted my books1 and if dinner was not ready1 paid my friends1 the pigeons1 a visit1 or worked in the garden till it was1 and when ,i heard myself called1 ran very willingly1 and with a good appetite to partake of it1 for it is very remarkable1 that let me be ever so indisposed my appetite never fails4 ,we dined very agreeably1 chatting till ,madam de ,warens could eat4 ,two or three times a week1 when it was fine1 we drank our coffee in a cool shady arbor behind the house1 that ,i had decorated with hops1 and which was very refreshing during the heat2 we usually passed an hour in viewing our flowers and vegetables1 or in conversation relative to our manner of life1 which greatly increased the pleasure of it4 ,i had another little family at the end of the garden2 these were several hives of bees1 which ,i never failed to visit once a day1 and was frequently accompanied by ,madam de ,warens4 ,i was greatly interested in their labor1 and amused myself seeing them return to the hives1 their little thighs so loaded with the precious store that they could hardly walk4 ,at first1 curiosity made me indiscreet1 and they stung me several times1 but afterwards1 we were so well acquainted1 that let me approach as near as ,i would1 they never molested me1 though the hives were full and the bees ready to swarm4 ,at these times ,i have been surrounded1 having them on my hands and face without apprehending any danger4 ,all animals are distrustful of man1 and with reason1 but when once assured he does not mean to injure them1 their confidence becomes so great that he must be worse than a barbarian who abuses it4 ,after this ,i returned to my books2 but my afternoon employment ought rather to bear the name of recreation and amusement1 than labor or study4 ,i have never been able to bear application after dinner1 and in general any kind of attention is painful to me during the heat of the day4 ,i employed myself1 'tis true1 but without restraint or rule1 and read without studying4 ,what ,i most attended to at these times1 was history and geography1 and as these did not require intense application1 made as much progress in them as my weak memory would permit4 ,i had an inclination to study ,father ,petau1 and launched into the gloom of chronology1 but was disgusted at the critical part1 which ,i found had neither bottom nor banks2 this made me prefer the more exact measurement of time by the course of the celestial bodies4 ,i should even have contracted a fondness for astronomy1 had ,i been in possession of instruments1 but was obliged to content myself with some of the elements of that art1 learned from books1 and a few rude observations made with a telescope1 sufficient only to give me a general idea of the situation of the heavenly bodies2 for my short sight is insufficient to distinguish the stars without the help of a glass4 ,i recollect an adventure on this subject1 the remembrance of which has often diverted me4 ,i had bought a celestial planisphere to study the constellations by1 and1 having fixed it on a frame1 when the nights were fine and the sky clear1 ,i went into the garden2 and fixing the frame on four sticks1 something higher than myself1 which ,i drove into the ground1 turned the planisphere downwards1 and contrived to light it by means of a candle 7which ,i put in a pail to prevent the wind from blowing it out7 and then placed in the centre of the above-mentioned four supporters2 this done1 ,i examined the stars with my glass1 and from time to time referring to my planisphere1 endeavored to distinguish the various constellations4 ,i think ,i have before observed that our garden was on a terrace1 and lay open to the road4 ,one night1 some country people passing very late1 saw me in a most grotesque habit1 busily employed in these observations3 the light1 which struck directly on the planisphere1 proceeding from a cause they could not divine 7the candle being concealed by the sides of the pail71 the four stakes supporting a large paper1 marked over with various uncouth figures1 with the motion of the telescope1 which they saw turning backwards and forwards1 gave the whole an air of conjuration that struck them with horror and amazement4 ,my figure was by no means calculated to dispel their fears2 a flapped hat put on over my nightcap1 and a short cloak about my shoulder 7which ,madam de ,warens had obliged me to put on7 presented in their idea the image of a real sorcerer4 ,being near midnight1 they made no doubt but this was the beginning of some diabolical assembly1 and having no curiosity to pry further into these mysteries1 they fled with all possible speed1 awakened their neighbors1 and described this most dreadful vision4 ,the story spread so fast that the next day the whole neighborhood was informed that a nocturnal assembly of witches was held in the garden that belonged to ,monsieur ,noiret1 and ,i am ignorant what might have been the consequence of this rumor if one of the countrymen who had been witness to my conjurations had not the same day carried his complaint to two ,jesuits1 who frequently came to visit us1 and who1 without knowing the foundation of the story1 undeceived and satisfied them4 ,these ,jesuits told us the whole affair1 and ,i acquainted them with the cause of it1 which altogether furnished us with a hearty laugh4 ,however1 ,i resolved for the future to make my observations without light1 and consult my planisphere in the house4 ,those who have read ,venetian magic1 in the ',letters from the ,mountain'1 may find that ,i long since had the reputation of being a conjurer4 ,such was the life ,i led at ,charmettes when ,i had no rural employments1 for they ever had the preference1 and in those that did not exceed my strength1 ,i worked like a peasant2 but my extreme weakness left me little except the will2 besides1 as ,i have before observed1 ,i wished to do two things at once1 and therefore did neither well4 ,i obstinately persisted in forcing my memory to retain a great deal by heart1 and for that purpose1 ,i always carried some book with me1 which1 while at work1 ,i studied with inconceivable labor4 ,i was continually repeating something1 and am really amazed that the fatigue of these vain and continual efforts did not render me entirely stupid4 ,i must have learned and relearned the ,eclogues of ,virgil twenty times over1 though at this time ,i cannot recollect a single line of them4 ,i have lost or spoiled a great number of books by a custom ,i had of carrying them with me into the dove-house1 the garden1 orchard or vineyard1 when1 being busy about something else1 ,i laid my book at the foot of a tree1 on the hedge1 or the first place that came to hand1 and frequently left them there1 finding them a fortnight after1 perhaps1 rotted to pieces1 or eaten by the ants or snails2 and this ardor for learning became so far a madness that it rendered me almost stupid1 and ,i was perpetually muttering some passage or other to myself4 ,the writings of ,port-,royal1 and those of the ,oratory1 being what ,i most read1 had made me half a ,jansenist1 and1 notwithstanding all my confidence1 their harsh theology sometimes alarmed me4 ,a dread of hell1 which till then ,i had never much apprehended1 by little and little disturbed my security1 and had not ,madam de ,warens tranquillized my soul1 would at length have been too much for me4 ,my confessor1 who was hers likewise1 contributed all in his power to keep up my hopes4 ,this was a ,jesuit1 named ,father ,hemet2 a good and wise old man1 whose memory ,i shall ever hold in veneration4 ,though a ,jesuit1 he had the simplicity of a child1 and his manners1 less relaxed than gentle1 were precisely what was necessary to balance the melancholy impressions made on me by ,jansenism4 ,this good man and his companion1 ,father ,coppier1 came frequently to visit us at ,charmette1 though the road was very rough and tedious for men of their age4 ,these visits were very comfortable to me1 which may the ,almighty return to their souls1 for they were so old that ,i cannot suppose them yet living4 ,i sometimes went to see them at ,chambery1 became acquainted at their convent1 and had free access to the library4 ,the remembrance of that happy time is so connected with the idea of those ,jesuits1 that ,i love one on account of the other1 and though ,i have ever thought their doctrines dangerous1 could never find myself in a disposition to hate them cordially4 ,i should like to know whether there ever passed such childish notions in the hearts of other men as sometimes do in mine4 ,in the midst of my studies1 and of a life as innocent as man could lead1 notwithstanding every persuasion to the contrary1 the dread of hell frequently tormented me4 ,i asked myself1 ,what state am ,i in8 ,should ,i die at this instant1 must ,i be damned8 ,according to my ,jansenists the matter was indubitable1 but according to my conscience it appeared quite the contrary3 terrified and floating in this cruel uncertainty1 ,i had recourse to the most laughable expedient to resolve my doubts1 for which ,i would willingly shut up any man as a lunatic should ,i see him practise the same folly4 ,one day1 meditating on this melancholy subject1 ,i exercised myself in throwing stones at the trunks of trees1 with my usual dexterity1 that is to say1 without hitting any of them4 ,in the height of this charming exercise1 it entered my mind to make a kind of prognostic1 that might calm my inquietude2 ,i said1 ,i will throw this stone at the tree facing me2 if ,i hit my mark1 ,i will consider it as a sign of salvation2 if ,i miss1 as a token of damnation4 ,while ,i said this1 ,i threw the stone with a trembling hand and beating breast but so happily that it struck the body of the tree1 which truly was not a difficult matter1 for ,i had taken care to choose one that was very large and very near me4 ,from that moment ,i never doubted my salvation3 ,i know not on recollecting this trait1 whether ,i ought to laugh or shudder at myself4 ,ye great geniuses1 who surely laugh at my folly1 congratulate yourselves on your superior wisdom1 but insult not my unhappiness1 for ,i swear to you that ,i feel it most sensibly4 ,these troubles1 these alarms1 inseparable1 perhaps1 from devotion1 were only at intervals2 in general1 ,i was tranquil1 and the impression made on my soul by the idea of approaching death1 was less that of melancholy than a peaceful languor1 which even had its pleasures4 ,i have found among my old papers a kind of congratulation and exhortation which ,i made to myself on dying at an age when ,i had the courage to meet death with serenity1 without having experienced any great evils1 either of body or mind4 ,how much justice was there in the thought6 ,a preconception of what ,i had to suffer made me fear to live1 and it seemed that ,i dreaded the fate which must attend my future days4 ,i have never been so near wisdom as during this period1 when ,i felt no great remorse for the past1 nor tormenting fear for the future2 the reigning sentiment of my soul being the enjoyment of the present4 ,serious people usually possess a lively sensuality1 which makes them highly enjoy those innocent pleasures that are allowed them4 ,worldlings 7,i know not why7 impute this to them as a crime3 or rather1 ,i well know the cause of this imputation1 it is because they envy others the enjoyment of those simple and pure delights which they have lost the relish of4 ,i had these inclinations1 and found it charming to gratify them in security of conscience4 ,my yet inexperienced heart gave in to all with the calm happiness of a child1 or rather 7if ,i dare use the expression7 with the raptures of an angel2 for in reality these pure delights are as serene as those of paradise4 ,dinners on the grass at ,montagnole1 suppers in our arbor1 gathering in the fruits1 the vintage1 a social meeting with our neighbors2 all these were so many holidays1 in which ,madam de ,warens took as much pleasure as myself4 ,solitary walks afforded yet purer pleasure1 because in them our hearts expanded with greater freedom3 one particularly remains in my memory2 it was on a ,st4 ,louis' day1 whose name ,madam de ,warens bore3 we set out together early and unattended1 after having heard a mass at break of day in a chapel adjoining our house1 from a ,carmelite1 who attended for that purpose4 ,as ,i proposed walking over the hills opposite our dwelling1 which we had not yet visited1 we sent our provisions on before2 the excursion being to last the whole day4 ,madam de ,warens1 though rather corpulent1 did not walk ill1 and we rambled from hill to hill and wood to wood1 sometimes in the sun1 but oftener in the shade1 resting from time to time1 and regardless how the hours stole away2 speaking of ourselves1 of our union1 of the gentleness of our fate1 and offering up prayers for its duration1 which were never heard4 ,everything conspired to augment our happiness3 it had rained for several days previous to this1 there was no dust1 the brooks were full and rapid1 a gentle breeze agitated the leaves1 the air was pure1 the horizon free from clouds1 serenity reigned in the sky as in our hearts4 ,our dinner was prepared at a peasant's house1 and shared with him and his family1 whose benedictions we received4 ,these poor ,savoyards are the worthiest of people6 ,after dinner we regained the shade1 and while ,i was picking up bits of dried sticks1 to boil our coffee1 ,madam de ,warens amused herself with herbalizing among the bushes1 and with the flowers ,i had gathered for her in my way4 ,she made me remark in their construction a thousand natural beauties1 which greatly amused me1 and which ought to have given me a taste for botany2 but the time was not yet come1 and my attention was arrested by too many other studies4 ,besides this1 an idea struck me1 which diverted my thoughts from flowers and plants3 the situation of my mind at that moment1 all that we had said or done that day1 every object that had struck me1 brought to my remembrance the kind of waking dream ,i had at ,annecy seven or eight years before1 and which ,i have given an account of in its place4 ,the similarity was so striking that it affected me even to tears3 in a transport of tenderness ,i embraced ,madam de ,warens4 ,my dearest friend1 said ,i1 this day has long since been promised me3 ,i can see nothing beyond it3 my happiness1 by your means1 is at its height2 may it never decrease2 may it continue as long as ,i am sensible of its value--then it can only finish with my life4 ,thus happily passed my days1 and the more happily as ,i perceived nothing that could disturb or bring them to a conclusion2 not that the cause of my former uneasiness had absolutely ceased1 but ,i saw it take another course1 which ,i directed with my utmost care to useful objects1 that the remedy might accompany the evil4 ,madam de ,warens naturally loved the country1 and this taste did not cool while with me4 ,by little and little she contracted a fondness for rustic employments1 wished to make the most of her land1 and had in that particular a knowledge which she practised with pleasure4 ,not satisfied with what belonged to the house1 she hired first a field1 then a meadow1 transferring her enterprising humor to the objects of agriculture1 and instead of remaining unemployed in the house1 was in the way of becoming a complete farmer4 ,i was not greatly pleased to see this passion increase1 and endeavored all ,i could to oppose it2 for ,i was certain she would be deceived1 and that her liberal extravagant disposition would infallibly carry her expenses beyond her profits2 however1 ,i consoled myself by thinking the produce could not be useless1 and would at least help her to live4 ,of all the projects she could form1 this appeared the least ruinous3 without regarding it1 therefore1 in the light she did1 as a profitable scheme1 ,i considered it as a perpetual employment1 which would keep her from more ruinous enterprises1 and out of the reach of impostors4 ,with this idea1 ,i ardently wished to recover my health and strength1 that ,i might superintend her affairs1 overlook her laborers1 or1 rather1 be the principal one myself4 ,the exercise this naturally obliged me to take1 with the relaxation it procured me from books and study1 was serviceable to my health4 ,the winter following1 ,barillot returning from ,italy1 brought me some books2 and among others1 the ',bontempi' and 'la ,cartella per ,musica'1 of ,father ,banchieri2 these gave me a taste for the history of music and for the theoretical researches of that pleasing art4 ,barillot remained some time with us1 and as ,i had been of age some months1 ,i determined to go to ,geneva the following spring1 and demand my mother's inheritance1 or at least that part which belonged to me1 till it could be ascertained what had become of my brother4 ,this plan was executed as it had been resolved3 ,i went to ,geneva2 my father met me there1 for he had occasionally visited ,geneva a long time since1 without its being particularly noticed1 though the decree that had been pronounced against him had never been reversed2 but being esteemed for his courage1 and respected for his probity1 the situation of his affairs was pretended to be forgotten2 or perhaps1 the magistrates1 employed with the great project that broke out some little time after1 were not willing to alarm the citizens by recalling to their memory1 at an improper time1 this instance of their former partiality4 ,i apprehended that ,i should meet with difficulties1 on account of having changed my religion1 but none occurred2 the laws of ,geneva being less harsh in that particular than those of ,berne1 where1 whoever changes his religion1 not only loses his freedom1 but his property4 ,my rights1 however1 were not disputed3 but ,i found my patrimony1 ,i know not how1 reduced to very little1 and though it was known almost to a certainty that my brother was dead1 yet1 as there was no legal proof1 ,i could not lay claim to his share1 which ,i left without regret to my father1 who enjoyed it as long as he lived4 ,no sooner were the necessary formalities adjusted1 and ,i had received my money1 some of which ,i expended in books1 than ,i flew with the remainder to ,madam de ,warens2 my heart beat with joy during the journey1 and the moment in which ,i gave the money into her hands1 was to me a thousand times more delightful than that which gave it into mine4 ,she received this with a simplicity common to great souls1 who1 doing similar actions without effort1 see them without admiration2 indeed it was almost all expended for my use1 for it would have been employed in the same manner had it come from any other quarter4 ,my health was not yet re-established2 ,i decayed visibly1 was pale as death1 and reduced to an absolute skeleton2 the beating of my arteries was extreme1 my palpitations were frequent3 ,i was sensible of a continual oppression1 and my weakness became at length so great1 that ,i could scarcely move or step without danger of suffocation1 stoop without vertigoes1 or lift even the smallest weight1 which reduced me to the most tormenting inaction for a man so naturally stirring as myself4 ,it is certain my disorder was in a great measure hypochondriacal4 ,the vapors is a malady common to people in fortunate situations3 the tears ,i frequently shed1 without reason2 the lively alarms ,i felt on the falling of a leaf1 or the fluttering of a bird2 inequality of humor in the calm of a most pleasing life2 lassitude which made me weary even of happiness1 and carried sensibility to extravagance1 were an instance of this4 ,we are so little formed for felicity1 that when the soul and body do not suffer together1 they must necessarily endure separate inconveniences1 the good state of the one being almost always injurious to the happiness of the other4 ,had all the pleasure of life courted me1 my weakened frame would not have permitted the enjoyment of them1 without my being able to particularize the real seat of my complaint2 yet in the decline of life2 after having encountered very serious and real evils1 my body seemed to regain its strength1 as if on purpose to encounter additional misfortunes2 and1 at the moment ,i write this1 though infirm1 near sixty1 and overwhelmed with every kind of sorrow1 ,i feel more ability to suffer than ,i ever possessed for enjoyment when in the very flower of my age1 and in the bosom of real happiness4 ,to complete me1 ,i had mingled a little physiology among my other readings3 ,i set about studying anatomy1 and considering the multitude1 movement1 and wonderful construction of the various parts that composed the human machine2 my apprehensions were instantly increased1 ,i expected to feel mine deranged twenty times a day1 and far from being surprised to find myself dying1 was astonished that ,i yet existed6 ,i could not read the description of any malady without thinking it mine1 and1 had ,i not been already indisposed1 ,i am certain ,i should have become so from this study4 ,finding in every disease symptoms similar to mine1 ,i fancied ,i had them all1 and1 at length1 gained one more troublesome than any ,i yet suffered1 which ,i had thought myself delivered from2 this was1 a violent inclination to seek a cure2 which it is very difficult to suppress1 when once a person begins reading physical books4 ,by searching1 reflecting1 and comparing1 ,i became persuaded that the foundation of my complaint was a polypus at the heart1 and ,doctor ,salomon appeared to coincide with the idea4 ,reasonably this opinion should have confirmed my former resolution of considering myself past cure2 this1 however1 was not the case2 on the contrary2 ,i exerted every power of my understanding in search of a remedy for a polypus1 resolving to undertake this marvellous cure4 ,in a journey which ,anet had made to ,montpelier1 to see the physical garden there1 and visit ,monsieur ,sauvages1 the demonstrator1 he had been informed that ,monsieur ,fizes had cured a polypus similar to that ,i fancied myself afflicted with3 ,madam de ,warens1 recollecting this circumstance1 mentioned it to me1 and nothing more was necessary to inspire me with a desire to consult ,monsieur ,fizes4 ,the hope of recovery gave me courage and strength to undertake the journey2 the money from ,geneva furnished the means2 ,madam de ,warens1 far from dissuading1 entreated me to go3 behold me1 therefore1 without further ceremony1 set out for ,montpelier6--but it was not necessary to go so far to find the cure ,i was in search of4 ,finding the motion of the horse too fatiguing1 ,i had hired a chaise at ,grenoble1 and on entering ,moirans1 five or six other chaises arrived in a rank after mine4 ,the greater part of these were in the train of a new married lady called ,madam du ,colombier2 with her was a ,madam de ,larnage1 not so young or handsome as the former1 yet not less amiable4 ,the bride was to stop at ,romans1 but the other lady was to pursue her route as far as ,saint-,andiol1 near the bridge du ,st4 ,esprit4 ,with my natural timidity it will not be conjectured that ,i was very ready at forming an acquaintance with these fine ladies1 and the company that attended them2 but travelling the same road1 lodging at the same inns1 and being obliged to eat at the same table1 the acquaintance seemed unavoidable1 as any backwardness on my part would have got me the character of a very unsociable being3 it was formed then1 and even sooner than ,i desired1 for all this bustle was by no means convenient to a person in ill health1 particularly to one of my humor4 ,curiosity renders these vixens extremely insinuating2 they accomplish their design of becoming acquainted with a man by endeavoring to turn his brain1 and this was precisely what happened to me4 ,madam du ,colombier was too much surrounded by her young gallants to have any opportunity of paying much attention to me2 besides1 it was not worthwhile1 as we were to separate in so short a time2 but ,madam de ,larnage 7less attended to than her young friend7 had to provide herself for the remainder of the journey2 behold me1 then1 attacked by ,madam de ,larnage1 and adieu to poor ,jean ,jacques1 or rather farewell to fever1 vapors1 and polypus2 all completely vanished when in her presence4 ,the ill state of my health was the first subject of our conversation2 they saw ,i was indisposed1 knew ,i was going to ,montpelier1 but my air and manner certainly did not exhibit the appearance of a libertine1 since it was clear by what followed they did not suspect ,i was going there for a reason that carries many that road4 ,in the morning they sent to inquire after my health and invite me to take chocolate with them1 and when ,i made my appearance asked how ,i had passed the night4 ,once1 according to my praiseworthy custom of speaking without thought1 ,i replied1 ,i did not know1 which answer naturally made them conclude ,i was a fool3 but1 on questioning me further2 the examination turned out so far to my advantage1 that ,i rather rose in their opinion1 and ,i once heard ,madam du ,colombier say to her friend1 ,he is amiable1 but not sufficiently acquainted with the world4 ,these words were a great encouragement1 and assisted me in rendering myself agreeable4 ,as we became more familiar1 it was natural to give each other some little account of whence we came and who we were3 this embarrassed me greatly1 for ,i was sensible that in good company and among women of spirit1 the very name of a new convert would utterly undo me4 ,i know not by what whimsicality ,i resolved to pass for an ,englishman2 however1 in consequence of that determination ,i gave myself out for a ,jacobite1 and was readily believed4 ,they called me ,monsieur ,dudding1 which was the name ,i assumed with my new character1 and a cursed ,marquis ,torignan1 who was one of the company1 an invalid like myself1 and both old and ill-tempered1took it in his head to begin a long conversation with me4 ,he spoke of ,king ,james1 of the ,pretender1 and the old court of ,st4 ,germain's2 ,i sat on thorns the whole time1 for ,i was totally unacquainted with all these except what little ,i had picked up in the account of ,earl ,hamilton1 and from the gazettes2 however1 ,i made such fortunate use of the little ,i did know as to extricate myself from this dilemma1 happy in not being questioned on the ,english language1 which ,i did not know a single word of4 ,the company were all very agreeable2 we looked forward to the moment of separation with regret1 and therefore made snails' journeys4 ,we arrived one ,sunday at ,st4 ,marcelein's2 ,madam de ,larnage would go to mass2 ,i accompanied her1 and had nearly ruined all my affairs1 for by my modest reserved countenance during the service1 she concluded me a bigot1 and conceived a very indifferent opinion of me1 as ,i learned from her own account two days after4 ,it required a great deal of gallantry on my part to efface this ill impression1 or rather ,madam de ,larnage 7who was not easily disheartened7 determined to risk the first advances1 and see how ,i should behave4 ,she made several1 but far from being presuming on my figure1 ,i thought she was making sport of me3 full of this ridiculous idea there was no folly ,i was not guilty of4 ,madam de ,larnage persisted in such caressing behavior1 that a much wiser man than myself could hardly have taken it seriously4 ,the more obvious her advances were1 the more ,i was confirmed in my mistake1 and what increased my torment1 ,i found ,i was really in love with her4 ,i frequently said to myself1 and sometimes to her1 sighing1 ,ah6 why is not all this real8 then should ,i be the most fortunate of men4 ,i am inclined to think my stupidity did but increase her resolution1 and make her determined to get the better of it4 ,we left ,madam du ,colombier at ,romans2 after which ,madam de ,larnage1 the ,marquis de ,torignan1 and myself continued our route slowly1 and in the most agreeable manner4 ,the marquis1 though indisposed1 and rather ill-humored1 was an agreeable companion1 but was not best pleased at seeing the lady bestow all her attentions on me1 while he passed unregarded2 for ,madam de ,larnage took so little care to conceal her inclination1 that he perceived it sooner than ,i did1 and his sarcasms must have given me that confidence ,i could not presume to take from the kindness of the lady1 if by a surmise1 which no one but myself could have blundered on1 ,i had not imagined they perfectly understood each other1 and were agreed to turn my passion into ridicule4 ,this foolish idea completed my stupidity1 making me act the most ridiculous part1 while1 had ,i listened to the feelings of my heart1 ,i might have been performing one far more brilliant4 ,i am astonished that ,madam de ,larnage was not disgusted at my folly1 and did not discard me with disdain2 but she plainly perceived there was more bashfulness than indifference in my composition4 ,we arrived at ,valence to dinner1 and according to our usual custom passed the remainder of the day there4 ,we lodged out of the city1 at the ,st4 ,james1 an inn ,i shall never forget4 ,after dinner1 ,madam de ,larnage proposed a walk2 she knew the marquis was no walker1 consequently1 this was an excellent plan for a tete-a-tete1 which she was predetermined to make the most of4 ,while we were walking round the city by the side of the moats1 ,i entered on a long history of my complaint1 to which she answered in so tender an accent1 frequently pressing my arm1 which she held to her heart1 that it required all my stupidity not to be convinced of the sincerity of her attachment4 ,i have already observed that she was amiable2 love rendered her charming1 adding all the loveliness of youth3 and she managed her advances with so much art1 that they were sufficient to have seduced the most insensible3 ,i was1 therefore1 in very uneasy circumstances1 and frequently on the point of making a declaration2 but the dread of offending her1 and the still greater of being laughed at1 ridiculed1 made table-talk1 and complimented on my enterprise by the satirical marquis1 had such unconquerable power over me1 that1 though ashamed of my ridiculous bashfulness1 ,i could not take courage to surmount it4 ,i had ended the history of my complaints1 which ,i felt the ridiculousness of at this time2 and not knowing how to look1 or what to say1 continued silent1 giving the finest opportunity in the world for that ridicule ,i so much dreaded4 ,happily1 ,madam de ,larnage took a more favorable resolution1 and suddenly interrupted this silence by throwing her arms round my neck1 while1 at the same instant1 her lips spoke too plainly on mine to be any longer misunderstood4 ,this was reposing that confidence in me the want of which has almost always prevented me from appearing myself3 for once ,i was at ease1 my heart1 eyes and tongue1 spoke freely what ,i felt2 never did ,i make better reparation for my mistakes1 and if this little conquest had cost ,madam de ,larnage some difficulties1 ,i have reason to believe she did not regret them4 ,was ,i to live a hundred years1 ,i should never forget this charming woman4 ,i say charming1 for though neither young nor beautiful1 she was neither old nor ugly1 having nothing in her appearance that could prevent her wit and accomplishments from producing all their effects4 ,it was possible to see her without falling in love1 but those she favored could not fail to adore her2 which proves1 in my opinion1 that she was not generally so prodigal of her favors4 ,it is true1 her inclination for me was so sudden and lively1 that it scarce appears excusable2 though from the short1 but charming interval ,i passed with her1 ,i have reason to think her heart was more influenced than her passions4 ,our good intelligence did not escape the penetration of the marquis2 not that he discontinued his usual raillery2 on the contrary1 he treated me as a sighing1 hopeless swain1 languishing under the rigors of his mistress2 not a word1 smile1 or look escaped him by which ,i could imagine he suspected my happiness2 and ,i should have thought him completely deceived1 had not ,madam de ,larnage1 who was more clear-sighted than myself1 assured me of the contrary2 but he was a well-bred man1 and it was impossible to behave with more attention or greater civility1 than he constantly paid me 7notwithstanding his satirical sallies71 especially after my success1 which1 as he was unacquainted with my stupidity1 he perhaps gave me the honor of achieving4 ,it has already been seen that he was mistaken in this particular2 but no matter1 ,i profited by his error1 for being conscious that the laugh was on my side1 ,i took all his sallies in good part1 and sometimes parried them with tolerable success2 for1 proud of the reputation of wit which ,madam de ,larnage had thought fit to discover in me1 ,i no longer appeared the same man4 ,we were both in a country and season of plenty1 and had everywhere excellent cheer1 thanks to the good cares of the marquis2 though ,i would willingly have relinquished this advantage to have been more satisfied with the situation of our chambers2 but he always sent his footman on to provide them2 and whether of his own accord1 or by the order of his master1 the rogue always took care that the marquis' chamber should be close by ,madam de ,larnage's1 while mine was at the further end of the house3 but that made no great difference1 or perhaps it rendered our rendezvous the more charming2 this happiness lasted four or five days1 during which time ,i was intoxicated with delight1 which ,i tasted pure and serene without any alloy2 an advantage ,i could never boast before2 and1 ,i may add1 it is owing to ,madam de ,larnage that ,i did not go out of the world without having tasted real pleasure4 ,if the sentiment ,i felt for her was not precisely love1 it was at least a very tender return of what she testified for me2 our meetings were so delightful1 that they possessed all the sweets of love2 without that kind of delirium which affects the brain1 and even tends to diminish our happiness4 ,i never experienced true love but once in my life1 and that was not with ,madam de ,larnage1 neither did ,i feel that affection for her which ,i had been sensible of1 and yet continued to possess1 for ,madam de ,warens2 but for this very reason1 our tete-a-tetes were a hundred times more delightful4 ,when with ,madam de ,warens1 my felicity was always disturbed by a secret sadness1 a compunction of heart1 which ,i found it impossible to surmount4 ,instead of being delighted at the acquisition of so much happiness1 ,i could not help reproaching myself for contributing to render her ,i loved unworthy3 on the contrary1 with ,madam de ,lamage1 ,i was proud of my happiness1 and gave in to it without repugnance1 while my triumph redoubled every other charm4 ,i do not recollect exactly where we quitted the marquis1 who resided in this country1 but ,i know we were alone on our arrival at ,montelimar1 where ,madam de ,larnage made her chambermaid get into my chaise1 and accommodate me with a seat in hers4 ,it will easily be believed1 that travelling in this manner was by no means displeasing to me1 and that ,i should be very much puzzled to give any account of the country we passed through4 ,she had some business at ,montelimar1 which detained her there two or three days2 during this time she quitted me but one quarter of an hour1 for a visit she could not avoid1 which embarrassed her with a number of invitations she had no inclination to accept1 and therefore excused herself by pleading some indisposition2 though she took care this should not prevent our walking together every day1 in the most charming country1 and under the finest sky imaginable4 ,oh6 these three days6 what reason have ,i to regret them6 ,never did such happiness return again4 ,the amours of a journey cannot be very durable3 it was necessary we should part1 and ,i must confess it was almost time2 not that ,i was weary of my happiness1 but ,i might as well have been4 ,we endeavored to comfort each other for the pain of parting1 by forming plans for our reunion2 and it was concluded1 that after staying five or six weeks at ,montpelier 7which would give ,madam de ,larnage time to prepare for my reception in such a manner as to prevent scandal7 ,i should return to ,saint-,andiol1 and spend the winter under her direction4 ,she gave me ample instruction on what it was necessary ,i should know1 on what it would be proper to say2 and how ,i should conduct myself4 ,she spoke much and earnestly on the care of my health1 conjured me to consult skilful physicians1 and be attentive and exact in following their prescriptions whatever they might happen to be4 ,i believe her concern was sincere1 for she loved me1 and gave proofs of her affection less equivocal than the prodigality of her favors2 for judging by my mode of travelling1 that ,i was not in very affluent circumstances 7though not rich herself71 on our parting1 she would have had me share the contents of her purse1 which she had brought pretty well furnished from ,grenoble1 and it was with great difficulty ,i could make her put up with a denial4 ,in a word1 we parted2 my heart full of her idea1 and leaving in hers 7if ,i am not mistaken7 a firm attachment to me4 ,while pursuing the remainder of my journey1 remembrance ran over everything that had passed from the commencement of it1 and ,i was well satisfied at finding myself alone in a comfortable chaise1 where ,i could ruminate at ease on the pleasures ,i had enjoyed1 and those which awaited my return4 ,i only thought of ,saint-,andiol2 of the life ,i was to lead there2 ,i saw nothing but ,madam de ,larnage1 or what related to her2 the whole universe besides was nothing to me--even ,madam de ,warens was forgotten6--,i set about combining all the details by which ,madam de ,larnage had endeavored to give me in advance an idea of her house1 of the neighborhood1 of her connections1 and manner of life1 finding everything charming4 ,she had a daughter1 whom she had often described in the warmest terms of maternal affection3 this daughter was fifteen1 lively1 charming1 and of an amiable disposition4 ,madam de ,larnage promised me her friendship2 ,i had not forgotten that promise1 and was curious to know how ,mademoiselle de ,larnage would treat her mother's 'bon ami'4 ,these were the subjects of my reveries from the bridge of ,st4 ,esprit to ,remoulin3 ,i had been advised to visit the ,pont-du-,gard2 hitherto ,i had seen none of the remaining monuments of ,roman magnificence1 and ,i expected to find this worthy the hands by which it was constructed2 for once1 the reality surpassed my expectation2 this was the only time in my life it ever did so1 and the ,romans alone could have produced that effect4 ,the view of this noble and sublime work1 struck me the more forcibly1 from being in the midst of a desert1 where silence and solitude render the majestic edifice more striking1 and admiration more lively1 for though called a bridge it is nothing more than an aqueduct4 ,one cannot help exclaiming1 what strength could have transported these enormous stones so far from any quarry8 ,and what motive could have united the labors of so many millions of men1 in a place that no one inhabited8 ,i remained here whole hours1 in the most ravishing contemplation1 and returned pensive and thoughtful to my inn4 ,this reverie was by no means favorable to ,madam de ,larnage2 she had taken care to forewarn me against the girls of ,montpelier1 but not against the ,pont-du-,gard--it is impossible to provide for every contingency4 ,on my arrival at ,nismes1 ,i went to see the amphitheatre1 which is a far more magnificent work than even the ,pont-du-,gard1 yet it made a much less impression on me1 perhaps1 because my admiration had been already exhausted on the former object2 or that the situation of the latter1 in the midst of a city1 was less proper to excite it4 ,this vast and superb circus is surrounded by small dirty houses1 while yet smaller and dirtier fill up the area1 in such a manner that the whole produces an unequal and confused effect1 in which regret and indignation stifle pleasure and surprise4 ,the amphitheatre at ,verona is a vast deal smaller1 and less beautiful than that at ,nismes1 but preserved with all possible care and neatness1 by which means alone it made a much stronger and more agreeable impression on me4 ,the ,french pay no regard to these things1 respect no monument of antiquity2 ever eager to undertake1 they never finish1 nor preserve anything that is already finished to their hands4 ,i was so much better1 and had gained such an appetite by exercise1 that ,i stopped a whole day at ,pont-du-,lunel1 for the sake of good entertainment and company1 this being deservedly esteemed at that time the best inn in ,europe2 for those who kept it1 knowing how to make its fortunate situation turn to advantage1 took care to provide both abundance and variety4 ,it was really curious to find in a lonely country-house1 a table every day furnished with sea and fresh-water fish1 excellent game1 and choice wines1 served up with all the attention and care1 which are only to be expected among the great or opulent1 and all this for thirty five sous each person3 but the ,pont-du-,lunel did not long remain on this footing1 for the proprietor1 presuming too much on its reputation1 at length lost it entirely4 ,during this journey1 ,i really forgot my complaints1 but recollected them again on my arrival at ,montpelier4 ,my vapors were absolutely gone1 but every other complaint remained1 and though custom had rendered them less troublesome1 they were still sufficient to make any one who had been suddenly seized with them1 suppose himself attacked by some mortal disease4 ,in effect they were rather alarming than painful1 and made the mind suffer more than the body1 though it apparently threatened the latter with destruction4 ,while my attention was called off by the vivacity of my passions1 ,i paid no attention to my health2 but as my complaints were not altogether imaginary1 ,i thought of them seriously when the tumult had subsided4 ,recollecting the salutary advice of ,madam de ,larnage1 and the cause of my journey1 ,i consulted the most famous practitioners1 particularly ,monsieur ,fizes2 and through superabundance of precaution boarded at a doctor's who was an ,irishman1 and named ,fitz-,morris4 ,this person boarded a number of young gentlemen who were studying physic2 and what rendered his house very commodious for an invalid1 he contented himself with a moderate pension for provisions1 lodging1 etc41 and took nothing of his boarders for attendance as a physician4 ,he even undertook to execute the orders of ,m4 ,fizes1 and endeavored to re-establish my health4 ,he certainly acquitted himself very well in this employment2 as to regimen1 indigestions were not to be gained at his table2 and though ,i am not much hurt at privations of that kind1 the objects of comparison were so near1 that ,i could not help thinking with myself sometimes1 that ,m4 de ,torignan was a much better provider than ,m4 ,fitz-,morris2 notwithstanding1 as there was no danger of dying with hunger1 and all the youths were gay and good-humored1 ,i believe this manner of living was really serviceable1 and prevented my falling into those languors ,i had latterly been so subject to4 ,i passed the morning in taking medicines1 particularly1 ,i know not what kind of waters1 but believe they were those of ,vals1 and in writing to ,madam de ,larnage3 for the correspondence was regularly kept up1 and ,rousseau kindly undertook to receive these letters for his good friend ,dudding4 ,at noon ,i took a walk to the ,canourgue1 with some of our young boarders1 who were all very good lads2 after this we assembled for dinner2 when this was over1 an affair of importance employed the greater part of us till night2 this was going a little way out of town to take our afternoon's collation1 and make up two or three parties at mall1 or mallet4 ,as ,i had neither strength nor skill1 ,i did not play myself but ,i betted on the game1 and1 interested for the success of my wager1 followed the players and their balls over rough and stony roads1 procuring by this means both an agreeable and salutary exercise4 ,we took our afternoon's refreshment at an inn out of the city4 ,i need not observe that these meetings were extremely merry1 but should not omit that they were equally innocent1 though the girls of the house were very pretty4 ,m4 ,fitz-,morris 7who was a great mall player himself7 was our president2 and ,i must observe1 notwithstanding the imputation of wildness that is generally bestowed on students1 that ,i found more virtuous dispositions among these youths than could easily be found among an equal number of men3 they were rather noisy than fond of wine1 and more merry than libertine4 ,i accustomed myself so much to this mode of life1 and it accorded so entirely with my humor1 that ,i should have been very well content with a continuance of it4 ,several of my fellow-boarders were ,irish1 from whom ,i endeavored to learn some ,english words1 as a precaution for ,saint-,andiol4 ,the time now drew near for my departure2 every letter ,madam de ,larnage wrote1 she entreated me not to delay it1 and at length ,i prepared to obey her4 ,i was convinced that the physicians 7who understood nothing of my disorder7 looked on my complaint as imaginary1 and treated me accordingly1 with their waters and whey4 ,in this respect physicians and philosophers differ widely from theologians2 admitting the truth only of what they can explain1 and making their knowledge the measure of possibilities4 ,these gentlemen understood nothing of my illness1 therefore concluded ,i could not be ill2 and who would presume to doubt the profound skill of a physician8 ,i plainly saw they only meant to amuse1 and make me swallow my money2 and judging their substitute at ,saint-,andiol would do me quite as much service1 and be infinitely more agreeable1 ,i resolved to give her the preference2 full1 therefore1 of this wise resolution1 ,i quitted ,montpelier4 ,i set off towards the end of ,november1 after a stay of six weeks or two months in that city1 where ,i left a dozen louis1 without either my health or understanding being the better for it1 except from a short course of anatomy begun under ,m4 ,fitz-,morris1 which ,i was soon obliged to abandon1 from the horrid stench of the bodies he dissected1 which ,i found it impossible to endure4 ,not thoroughly satisfied in my own mind on the rectitude of this expedition1 as ,i advanced towards the ,bridge of ,st4 ,esprit 7which was equally the road to ,saint-,andiol and to ,chambery7 ,i began to reflect on ,madam de ,warens1 the remembrance of whose letters1 though less frequent than those from ,madam de ,larnage1 awakened in my heart a remorse that passion had stifled in the first part of my journey1 but which became so lively on my return1 that1 setting just estimate on the love of pleasure1 ,i found myself in such a situation of mind that ,i could listen wholly to the voice of reason4 ,besides1 in continuing to act the part of an adventurer1 ,i might be less fortunate than ,i had been in the beginning2 for it was only necessary that in all ,saint-,andiol there should be one person who had been in ,england1 or who knew the ,english or anything of their language1 to prove me an impostor4 ,the family of ,madam de ,larnage might not be pleased with me1 and would1 perhaps1 treat me unpolitely2 her daughter too made me uneasy1 for1 spite of myself1 ,i thought more of her than was necessary4 ,i trembled lest ,i should fall in love with this girl1 and that very fear had already half done the business4 ,was ,i going1 in return for the mother's kindness1 to seek the ruin of the daughter8 ,to sow dissension1 dishonor1 scandal1 and hell itself1 in her family8 ,the very idea struck me with horror1 and ,i took the firmest resolution to combat and vanquish this unhappy attachment1 should ,i be so unfortunate as to experience it4 ,but why expose myself to this danger8 ,how miserable must the situation be to live with the mother1 whom ,i should be weary of1 and sigh for the daughter1 without daring to make known my affection6 ,what necessity was there to seek this situation1 and expose myself to misfortunes1 affronts and remorse1 for the sake of pleasures whose greatest charm was already exhausted8 ,for ,i was sensible this attachment had lost its first vivacity4 ,with these thoughts were mingled reflections relative to my situation and duty to that good and generous friend1 who already loaded with debts1 would become more so from the foolish expenses ,i was running into1 and whom ,i was deceiving so unworthily4 ,this reproach at length became so keen that it triumphed over every temptation1 and on approaching the bridge of ,st4 ,esprit ,i formed the resolution to burn my whole magazine of letters from ,saint-,andiol1 and continue my journey right forward to ,chambery4 ,i executed this resolution courageously1 with some sighs ,i confess1 but with the heart-felt satisfaction1 which ,i enjoyed for the first time in my life1 of saying1 ,i merit my own esteem1 and know how to prefer duty to pleasure4 ,this was the first real obligation ,i owed my books1 since these had taught me to reflect and compare4 ,after the virtuous principles ,i had so lately adopted1 after all the rules of wisdom and honor ,i had proposed to myself1 and felt so proud to follow1 the shame of possessing so little stability1 and contradicting so egregiously my own maxims1 triumphed over the allurements of pleasure4 ,perhaps1 after all1 pride had as much share in my resolution as virtue2 but if this pride is not virtue itself1 its effects are so similar that we are pardonable in deceiving ourselves4 ,one advantage resulting from good actions is that they elevate the soul to a disposition of attempting still better2 for such is human weakness1 that we must place among our good deeds an abstinence from those crimes we are tempted to commit4 ,no sooner was my resolution confirmed than ,i became another man1 or rather1 ,i became what ,i was before ,i had erred1 and saw in its true colors what the intoxication of the moment had either concealed or disguised4 ,full of worthy sentiments and wise resolutions1 ,i continued my journey1 intending to regulate my future conduct by the laws of virtue1 and dedicate myself without reserve to that best of friends1 to whom ,i vowed as much fidelity in future as ,i felt real attachment4 ,the sincerity of this return to virtue appeared to promise a better destiny2 but mine1 alas6 was fixed1 and already begun3 even at the very moment when my heart1 full of good and virtuous sentiments1 was contemplating only innocence and happiness through life1 ,i touched on the fatal period that was to draw after it the long chain of my misfortunes6 ,my impatience to arrive at ,chambery had made me use more diligence than ,i meant to do4 ,i had sent a letter from ,valence1 mentioning the day and hour ,i should arrive1 but ,i had gained half a day on this calculation1 which time ,i passed at ,chaparillan1 that ,i might arrive exactly at the time ,i mentioned4 ,i wished to enjoy to its full extent the pleasure of seeing her1 and preferred deferring this happiness a little1 that expectancy might increase the value of it4 ,this precaution had always succeeded2 hitherto my arrival had caused a little holiday2 ,i expected no less this time1 and these preparations1 so dear to me1 would have been well worth the trouble of contriving them4 ,i arrived then exactly at the hour1 and while at a considerable distance1 looked forward with an expectancy of seeing her on the road to meet me4 ,the beating of my heart increased as ,i drew near the house2 at length ,i arrived1 quite out of breath2 for ,i had left my chaise in the town4 ,i see no one in the garden1 at the door1 or at the windows2 ,i am seized with terror1 fearful that some accident has happened4 ,i enter2 all is quiet2 the laborers are eating their luncheon in the kitchen1 and far from observing any preparation1 the servants seem surprised to see me1 not knowing ,i was expected4 ,i go up-stairs1 at length see her6--that dear friend6 so tenderly1 truly1 and entirely beloved4 ,i instantly ran towards her1 and threw myself at her feet4 ,ah6 child6 said she1 art thou returned then6 embracing me at the same time4 ,have you had a good journey8 ,how do you do8 ,this reception amused me for some moments4 ,i then asked1 whether she had received my letter8 she answered ,yes4--,i should have thought not1 replied ,i2 and the information concluded there4 ,a young man was with her at this time4 ,i recollected having seen him in the house before my departure1 but at present he seemed established there2 in short1 he was so2 ,i found my place already supplied6 ,this young man came from the country of ,vaud2 his father1 named ,vintzenried1 was keeper of the prison1 or1 as he expressed himself1 ,captain of the ,castle of ,chillon4 ,this son of the captain was a journeyman peruke-maker1 and gained his living in that capacity when he first presented himself to ,madam de ,warens1 who received him kindly1 as she did all comers1 particularly those from her own country4 ,he was a tall1 fair1 silly youth2 well enough made1 with an unmeaning face1 and a mind of the same description1 speaking always like the beau in a comedy1 and mingling the manners and customs of his former situation with a long history of his gallantry and success2 naming1 according to his account1 not above half the marchionesses who had favored him and pretending never to have dressed the head of a pretty woman1 without having likewise decorated her husband's2 vain1 foolish1 ignorant and insolent2 such was the worthy substitute taken in my absence1 and the companion offered me on my return6 ,o6 if souls disengaged from their terrestrial bonds1 yet view from the bosom of eternal light what passes here below1 pardon1 dear and respectable shade1 that ,i show no more favor to your failings than my own1 but equally unveil both4 ,i ought and will be just to you as to myself2 but how much less will you lose by this resolution than ,i shall6 ,how much do your amiable and gentle disposition1 your inexhaustible goodness of heart1 your frankness and other amiable virtues1 compensate for your foibles1 if a subversion of reason alone can be called such4 ,you had errors1 but not vices2 your conduct was reprehensible1 but your heart was ever pure4 ,the new-comer had shown himself zealous and exact in all her little commissions1 which were ever numerous1 and he diligently overlooked the laborers4 ,as noisy and insolent as ,i was quiet and forbearing1 he was seen or rather heard at the plough1 in the hay-loft1 wood-house1 stable1 farm-yard1 at the same instant4 ,he neglected the gardening1 this labor being too peaceful and moderate2 his chief pleasure was to load or drive the cart1 to saw or cleave wood2 he was never seen without a hatchet or pick-axe in his hand1 running1 knocking and hallooing with all his might4 ,i know not how many men's labor he performed1 but he certainly made noise enough for ten or a dozen at least4 ,all this bustle imposed on poor ,madam de ,warens2 she thought this young man a treasure1 and1 willing to attach him to herself1 employed the means she imagined necessary for that purpose1 not forgetting what she most depended on1 the surrender of her person4 ,those who have thus far read this work should be able to form some judgment of my heart2 its sentiments were the most constant and sincere1 particularly those which had brought me back to ,chambery2 what a sudden and complete overthrow was this to my whole being6 but to judge fully of this1 the reader must place himself for a moment in my situation4 ,i saw all the future felicity ,i had promised myself vanish in a moment2 all the charming ideas ,i had indulged so affectionately1 disappear entirely2 and ,i1 who even from childhood had not been able to consider my existence for a moment as separate from hers1 for the first time saw myself utterly alone4 ,this moment was dreadful1 and those that succeeded it were ever gloomy4 ,i was yet young1 but the pleasing sentiments of enjoyment and hope1 which enliven youth1 were extinguished4 ,from that hour my existence seemed half annihilated4 ,i contemplated in advance the melancholy remains of an insipid life1 and if at any time an image of happiness glanced through my mind1 it was not that which appeared natural to me1 and ,i felt that even should ,i obtain it ,i must still be wretched4 ,i was so dull of apprehension1 and my confidence in her was so great1 that1 notwithstanding the familiar tone of the new-comer1 which ,i looked on as an effect of the easy disposition of ,madam de ,warens1 which rendered her free with everyone1 ,i never should have suspected his real situation had not she herself informed me of it2 but she hastened to make this avowal with a freedom calculated to inflame me with resentment1 could my heart have turned to that point4 ,speaking of this connection as quite immaterial with respect to herself1 she reproached me with negligence in the care of the family1 and mentioned my frequent absence1 as though she had been in haste to supply my place4 ,ah6 said ,i1 my heart bursting with the most poignant grief1 what do you dare to inform me of8 ,is this the reward of an attachment like mine8 ,have you so many times preserved my life1 for the sole purpose of taking from me all that could render it desirable8 ,your infidelity will bring me to the grave1 but you will regret my loss6 ,she answered with a tranquillity sufficient to distract me1 that ,i talked like a child2 that people did not die from such slight causes2 that our friendship need be no less sincere1 nor we any less intimate1 for that her tender attachment to me could neither diminish nor end but with herself2 in a word she gave me to understand that my happiness need not suffer any decrease from the good fortune of this new favorite4 ,never did the purity1 truth and force of my attachment to her appear more evident2 never did ,i feel the sincerity and honesty of my soul more forcibly1 than at that moment4 ,i threw myself at her feet1 embracing her knees with torrents of tears4 ,no1 madam1 replied ,i1 with the most violent agitation1 ,i love you too much to disgrace you thus far1 and too truly to share you2 the regret that accompanied the first acquisition of your favors has continued to increase with my affection4 ,i cannot preserve them by so violent an augmentation of it4 ,you shall ever have my adoration3 be worthy of it2 to me that is more necessary than all you can bestow4 ,it is to you1 ,o my dearest friend6 that ,i resign my rights2 it is to the union of our hearts that ,i sacrifice my pleasure2 rather would ,i perish a thousand times than thus degrade her ,i love4 ,i preserved this resolution with a constancy worthy1 ,i may say1 of the sentiment that gave it birth4 ,from this moment ,i saw this beloved woman but with the eyes of a real son4 ,it should be remarked here1 that this resolve did not meet her private approbation1 as ,i too well perceived2 yet she never employed the least art to make me renounce it either by insinuating proposals1 caresses1 or any of those means which women so well know how to employ without exposing themselves to violent censure1 and which seldom fail to succeed4 ,reduced to seek a fate independent of hers1 and not able to devise one1 ,i passed to the other extreme1 placing my happiness so absolutely in her1 that ,i became almost regardless of myself4 ,the ardent desire to see her happy1 at any rate1 absorbed all my affections2 it was in vain she endeavored to separate her felicity from mine1 ,i felt ,i had a part in it1 spite of every impediment4 ,thus those virtues whose seeds in my heart begun to spring up with my misfortunes3 they had been cultivated by study1 and only waited the fermentation of adversity to become prolific4 ,the first-fruit of this disinterested disposition was to put from my heart every sentiment of hatred and envy against him who had supplanted me4 ,i even sincerely wished to attach myself to this young man2 to form and educate him2 to make him sensible of his happiness1 and1 if possible1 render him worthy of it2 in a word1 to do for him what ,anet had formerly done for me4 ,but the similarity of dispositions was wanting4 ,more insinuating and enlightened than ,anet1 ,i possessed neither his coolness1 fortitude1 nor commanding strength of character1 which ,i must have had in order to succeed4 ,neither did the young man possess those qualities which ,anet found in me2 such as gentleness1 gratitude1 and above all1 the knowledge of a want of his instructions1 and an ardent desire to render them useful4 ,all these were wanting2 the person ,i wished to improve1 saw in me nothing but an importunate1 chattering pedant3 while on the contrary he admired his own importance in the house1 measuring the services he thought he rendered by the noise he made1 and looking on his saws1 hatchets1 and pick-axes1 as infinitely more useful than all my old books3 and1 perhaps1 in this particular1 he might not be altogether blamable2 but he gave himself a number of airs sufficient to make anyone die with laughter4 ,with the peasants he assumed the airs of a country gentleman2 presently he did as much with me1 and at length with ,madam de ,warens herself4 ,his name1 ,vintzenried1 did not appear noble enough1 he therefore changed it to that of ,monsieur de ,courtilles1 and by the latter appellation he was known at ,chambery1 and in ,maurienne1 where he married4 ,at length this illustrious personage gave himself such airs of consequence1 that he was everything in the house1 and myself nothing4 ,when ,i had the misfortune to displease him1 he scolded ,madam de ,warens1 and a fear of exposing her to his brutality rendered me subservient to all his whims1 so that every time he cleaved wood 7an office which he performed with singular pride7 it was necessary ,i should be an idle spectator and admirer of his prowess4 ,this lad was not1 however1 of a bad disposition2 he loved ,madam de ,warens1 indeed it was impossible to do otherwise2 nor had he any aversion even to me1 and when he happened to be out of his airs would listen to our admonitions1 and frankly own he was a fool2 yet notwithstanding these acknowledgements his follies continued in the same proportion4 ,his knowledge was so contracted1 and his inclinations so mean1 that it was useless to reason1 and almost impossible to be pleased with him4 ,not content with a most charming woman1 he amused himself with an old red-haired1 toothless waiting-maid1 whose unwelcome service ,madam de ,warens had the patience to endure1 though it was absolutely disgusting4 ,i soon perceived this new inclination1 and was exasperated at it2 but ,i saw something else1 which affected me yet more1 and made a deeper impression on me than anything had hitherto done2 this was a visible coldness in the behavior of ,madam de ,warens towards me4 ,the privation ,i had imposed on myself1 and which she affected to approve1 is one of those affronts which women scarcely ever forgive4 ,take the most sensible1 the most philosophic female1 one the least attached to pleasure1 and slighting her favors1 if within your reach1 will be found the most unpardonable crime1 even though she may care nothing for the man4 ,this rule is certainly without exception2 since a sympathy so natural and ardent was impaired in her1 by an abstinence founded only on virtue1 attachment and esteem1 ,i no longer found with her that union of hearts which constituted all the happiness of mine2 she seldom sought me but when we had occasion to complain of this new-comer1 for when they were agreed1 ,i enjoyed but little of her confidence1 and1 at length1 was scarcely ever consulted in her affairs4 ,she seemed pleased1 indeed1 with my company1 but had ,i passed whole days without seeing her she would hardly have missed me4 ,insensibly1 ,i found myself desolate and alone in that house where ,i had formerly been the very soul2 where1 if ,i may so express myself1 ,i had enjoyed a double life1 and by degrees1 ,i accustomed myself to disregard everything that passed1 and even those who dwelt there4 ,to avoid continual mortifications1 ,i shut myself up with my books1 or else wept and sighed unnoticed in the woods4 ,this life soon became insupportable2 ,i felt that the presence of a woman so dear to me1 while estranged from her heart1 increased my unhappiness1 and was persuaded1 that1 ceasing to see her1 ,i should feel myself less cruelly separated4 ,i resolved1 therefore1 to quit the house1 mentioned it to her1 and she1 far from opposing my resolution1 approved it4 ,she had an acquaintance at ,grenoble1 called ,madam de ,deybens1 whose husband was on terms of friendship with ,monsieur ,malby1 chief ,provost of ,lyons4 ,m4 ,deybens proposed my educating ,m4 ,malby's children2 ,i accepted this offer1 and departed for ,lyons without causing1 and almost without feeling1 the least regret at a separation1 the bare idea of which1 a few months before1 would have given us both the most excruciating torments4 ,i had almost as much knowledge as was necessary for a tutor1 and flattered myself that my method would be unexceptionable2 but the year ,i passed at ,m4 ,malby's was sufficient to undeceive me in that particular4 ,the natural gentleness of my disposition seemed calculated for the employment1 if hastiness had not been mingled with it4 ,while things went favorably1 and ,i saw the pains 7which ,i did not spare7 succeed1 ,i was an angel2 but a devil when they went contrary4 ,if my pupils did not understand me1 ,i was hasty1 and when they showed any symptoms of an untoward disposition1 ,i was so provoked that ,i could have killed them2 which behavior was not likely to render them either good or wise4 ,i had two under my care1 and they were of very different tempers4 ,st4 ,marie1 who was between eight and nine years old1 had a good person and quick apprehension1 was giddy1 lively1 playful and mischievous2 but his mischief was ever good-humored4 ,the younger one1 named ,condillac1 appeared stupid and fretful1 was headstrong as a mule1 and seemed incapable of instruction4 ,it may be supposed that between both ,i did not want employment1 yet with patience and temper ,i might have succeeded2 but wanting both1 ,i did nothing worth mentioning1 and my pupils profited very little4 ,i could only make use of three means1 which are very weak1 and often pernicious with children2 namely1 sentiment1 reasoning1 passion4 ,i sometimes exerted myself so much with ,st4 ,marie1 that ,i could not refrain from tears1 and wished to excite similar sensations in him2 as if it was reasonable to suppose a child could be susceptible to such emotions4 ,sometimes ,i exhausted myself in reasoning1 as if persuaded he could comprehend me2 and as he frequently formed very subtle arguments1 concluded he must be reasonable1 because he bid fair to be so good a logician4 ,the little ,condillac was still more embarrassing2 for he neither understood1 answered1 nor was concerned at anything2 he was of an obstinacy beyond belief1 and was never happier than when he had succeeded in putting me in a rage2 then1 indeed1 he was the philosopher1 and ,i the child4 ,i was conscious of all my faults1 studied the tempers of my pupils1 and became acquainted with them2 but where was the use of seeing the evil1 without being able to apply a remedy8 ,my penetration was unavailing1 since it never prevented any mischief2 and everything ,i undertook failed1 because all ,i did to effect my designs was precisely what ,i ought not to have done4 ,i was not more fortunate in what had only reference to myself1 than in what concerned my pupils4 ,madam ,deybens1 in recommending me to her friend ,madam de ,malby1 had requested her to form my manners1 and endeavor to give me an air of the world4 ,she took some pains on this account1 wishing to teach me how to do the honors of the house2 but ,i was so awkward1 bashful1 and stupid1 that she found it necessary to stop there4 ,this1 however1 did not prevent me from falling in love with her1 according to my usual custom2 ,i even behaved in such a manner1 that she could not avoid observing it2 but ,i never durst declare my passion2 and as the lady never seemed in a humor to make advances1 ,i soon became weary of my sighs and ogling1 being convinced they answered no manner of purpose4 ,i had quite lost my inclination for little thieveries while with ,madam de ,warens2 indeed1 as everything belonged to me1 there was nothing to steal2 besides1 the elevated notions ,i had imbibed ought to have rendered me in future above such meanness1 and generally speaking they certainly did so2 but this rather proceeded from my having learned to conquer temptations1 than having succeeded in rooting out the propensity1 and ,i should even now greatly dread stealing1 as in my infancy1 were ,i yet subject to the same inclinations4 ,i had a proof of this at ,m4 ,malby's1 when1 though surrounded by a number of little things that ,i could easily have pilfered1 and which appeared no temptation1 ,i took it into my head to covert some white ,arbois wine1 some glasses of which ,i had drank at table1 and thought delicious4 ,it happened to be rather thick1 and as ,i fancied myself an excellent finer of wine1 ,i mentioned my skill1 and this was accordingly trusted to my care1 but in attempting to mend1 ,i spoiled it1 though to the sight only1 for it remained equally agreeable to the taste4 ,profiting by this opportunity1 ,i furnished myself from time to time with a few bottles to drink in my own apartment2 but unluckily1 ,i could never drink without eating2 the difficulty lay therefore1 in procuring bread4 ,it was impossible to make a reserve of this article1 and to have it brought by the footman was discovering myself1 and insulting the master of the house2 ,i could not bear to purchase it myself2 how could a fine gentleman1 with a sword at his side1 enter a baker's shop to buy a small loaf of bread8 it was utterly impossible4 ,at length ,i recollected the thoughtless saying of a great princess1 who1 on being informed that the country people had no bread1 replied1 ,then let them eat pastry6 ,yet even this resource was attended with a difficulty4 ,i sometimes went out alone for this very purpose1 running over the whole city1 and passing thirty pastry cook's shops1 without daring to enter any one of them4 ,in the first place1 it was necessary there should be only one person in the shop1 and that person's physiognomy must be so encouraging as to give me confidence to pass the threshold2 but when once the dear little cake was procured1 and ,i shut up in my chamber with that and a bottle of wine1 taken cautiously from the bottom of a cupboard1 how much did ,i enjoy drinking my wine1 and reading a few pages of a novel2 for when ,i have no company ,i always wish to read while eating2 it seems a substitute for society1 and ,i dispatch alternately a page and a morsel2 'tis indeed1 as if my book dined with me4 ,i was neither dissolute nor sottish1 never in my whole life having been intoxicated with liquor2 my little thefts were not very indiscreet1 yet they were discovered2 the bottles betrayed me1 and though no notice was taken of it1 ,i had no longer the management of the cellar4 ,in all this ,monsieur ,malby conducted himself with prudence and politeness1 being really a very deserving man1 who1 under a manner as harsh as his employment1 concealed a real gentleness of disposition and uncommon goodness of heart3 he was judicious1 equitable1 and 7what would not be expected from an officer of the ,marechausse7 very humane4 ,sensible of his indulgence1 ,i became greatly attached to him1 which made my stay at ,lyons longer than it would otherwise have been2 but at length1 disgusted with an employment which ,i was not calculated for1 and a situation of great confinement1 consequently disagreeable to me1 after a year's trial1 during which time ,i spared no pains to fulfill my engagement1 ,i determined to quit my pupils2 being convinced ,i should never succeed in educating them properly4 ,monsieur ,malby saw this as clearly as myself1 though ,i am inclined to think he would never have dismissed me had ,i not spared him the trouble1 which was an excess of condescension in this particular1 that ,i certainly cannot justify4 ,what rendered my situation yet more insupportable was the comparison ,i was continually drawing between the life ,i now led and that which ,i had quitted2 the remembrance of my dear ,charmettes1 my garden1 trees1 fountain and orchard1 but1 above all1 the company of her who was born to give life and soul to every other enjoyment4 ,on calling to mind our pleasures and innocent life1 ,i was seized with such oppressions and heaviness of heart1 as deprived me of the power of performing anything as it should be4 ,a hundred times was ,i tempted instantly to set off on foot to my dear ,madam de ,warens1 being persuaded that could ,i once more see her1 ,i should be content to die that moment3 in fine1 ,i could no longer resist the tender emotions which recalled me back to her1 whatever it might cost me4 ,i accused myself of not having been sufficiently patient1 complaisant and kind2 concluding ,i might yet live happily with her on the terms of tender friendship1 and by showing more for her than ,i had hitherto done4 ,i formed the finest projects in the world1 burned to execute them1 left all1 renounced everything1 departed1 fled1 and arriving in all the transports of my early youth1 found myself once more at her feet4 ,alas6 ,i should have died there with joy1 had ,i found in her reception1 in her embrace1 or in her heart1 one-quarter of what ,i had formerly found there1 and which ,i yet found the undiminished warmth of4 ,fearful illusions of transitory things1 how often dost thou torment us in vain6 ,she received me with that excellence of heart which could only die with her2 but ,i sought the influence there which could never be recalled1 and had hardly been half an hour with her before ,i was once more convinced that my former happiness had vanished forever1 and that ,i was in the same melancholy situation which ,i had been obliged to fly from2 yet without being able to accuse any person with my unhappiness1 for ,courtilles really was not to blame1 appearing to see my return with more pleasure than dissatisfaction4 ,but how could ,i bear to be a secondary person with her to whom ,i had been everything1 and who could never cease being such to me8 ,how could ,i live an alien in that house where ,i had been the child8 ,the sight of every object that had been witness to my former happiness1 rendered the comparison yet more distressing2 ,i should have suffered less in any other habitation1 for this incessantly recalled such pleasing remembrances1 that it was irritating the recollection of my loss4 ,consumed with vain regrets1 given up to the most gloomy melancholy1 ,i resumed the custom of remaining alone1 except at meals2 shut up with my books1 ,i sought to give some useful diversion to my ideas1 and feeling the imminent danger of want1 which ,i had so long dreaded1 ,i sought means to prepare for and receive it1 when ,madam de ,warens should have no other resource4 ,i had placed her household on a footing not to become worse2 but since my departure everything had been altered4 ,he who now managed her affairs was a spendthrift1 and wished to make a great appearance2 such as keeping a good horse with elegant trappings2 loved to appear gay in the eyes of the neighbors1 and was perpetually undertaking something he did not understand4 ,her pension was taken up in advance1 her rent was in arrears1 debts of every kind continued to accumulate2 ,i could plainly foresee that her pension would be seized1 and perhaps suppressed2 in short1 ,i expected nothing but ruin and misfortune1 and the moment appeared to approach so rapidly that ,i already felt all its horrors4 ,my closet was my only amusement1 and after a tedious search for remedies for the sufferings of my mind1 ,i determined to seek some against the evil of distressing circumstances1 which ,i daily expected would fall upon us1 and returning to my old chimeras1 behold me once more building castles in the air to relieve this dear friend from the cruel extremities into which ,i saw her ready to fall4 ,i did not believe myself wise enough to shine in the republic of letters1 or to stand any chance of making a fortune by that means2 a new idea1 therefore1 inspired me with that confidence1 which the mediocrity of my talents could not impart4 ,in ceasing to teach music ,i had not abandoned the thoughts of it2 on the contrary1 ,i had studied the theory sufficiently to consider myself well informed on the subject4 ,when reflecting on the trouble it had cost me to read music1 and the great difficulty ,i yet experienced in singing at sight1 ,i began to think the fault might as well arise from the manner of noting as from my own dulness1 being sensible it was an art which most people find difficult to understand4 ,by examining the formation of the signs1 ,i was convinced they were frequently very ill devised4 ,i had before thought of marking the gamut by figures1 to prevent the trouble of having lines to draw1 on noting the plainest air2 but had been stopped by the difficulty of the octaves1 and by the distinction of measure and quantity3 this idea returned again to my mind1 and on a careful revision of it1 ,i found the difficulties by no means insurmountable4 ,i pursued it successfully1 and was at length able to note any music whatever by figures1 with the greatest exactitude and simplicity4 ,from this moment ,i supposed my fortune made1 and in the ardor of sharing it with her to whom ,i owed everything1 thought only of going to ,paris1 not doubting that on presenting my project to the ,academy1 it would be adopted with rapture4 ,i had brought some money from ,lyons2 ,i augmented this stock by the sale of my books1 and in the course of a fortnight my resolution was both formed and executed3 in short1 full of the magnificent ideas it had inspired1 and which were common to me on every occasion1 ,i departed from ,savoy with my new system of music1 as ,i had formerly done from ,turin with my heron-fountain4 ,such have been the errors and faults of my youth2 ,i have related the history of them with a fidelity which my heart approves2 if my riper years were dignified with some virtues1 ,i should have related them with the same frankness2 it was my intention to have done this1 but ,i must forego this pleasing task and stop here4 ,time1 which renders justice to the characters of most men1 may withdraw the veil2 and should my memory reach posterity1 they may one day discover what ,i had to say--they will then understand why ,i am now silent4 ,,book ,,vii4 ,after two years' silence and patience1 and notwithstanding my resolutions1 ,i again take up my pen3 ,reader1 suspend your judgment as to the reasons which force me to such a step3 of these you can be no judge until you shall have read my book4 ,my peaceful youth has been seen to pass away calmly and agreeably without any great disappointments or remarkable prosperity4 ,this mediocrity was mostly owing to my ardent yet feeble nature1 less prompt in undertaking than easy to discourage2 quitting repose for violent agitations1 but returning to it from lassitude and inclinations1 and which1 placing me in an idle and tranquil state for which alone ,i felt ,i was born1 at a distance from the paths of great virtues and still further from those of great vices1 never permitted me to arrive at anything great1 either good or bad4 ,what a different account will ,i soon have to give of myself6 ,fate1 which for thirty years forced my inclinations1 for thirty others has seemed to oppose them2 and this continued opposition1 between my situation and inclinations1 will appear to have been the source of enormous faults1 unheard of misfortunes1 and every virtue except that fortitude which alone can do honor to adversity4 ,the history of the first part of my life was written from memory1 and is consequently full of errors4 ,as ,i am obliged to write the second part from memory also1 the errors in it will probably be still more numerous4 ,the agreeable remembrance of the finest portion of my years1 passed with so much tranquillity and innocence1 has left in my heart a thousand charming impressions which ,i love incessantly to call to my recollection4 ,it will soon appear how different from these those of the rest of my life have been4 ,to recall them to my mind would be to renew their bitterness4 ,far from increasing that of my situation by these sorrowful reflections1 ,i repel them as much as possible1 and in this endeavor often succeed so well as to be unable to find them at will4 ,this facility of forgetting my misfortunes is a consolation which ,heaven has reserved to me in the midst of those which fate has one day to accumulate upon my head4 ,my memory1 which presents to me no objects but such as are agreeable1 is the happy counterpoise of my terrified imagination1 by which ,i foresee nothing but a cruel futurity4 ,all the papers ,i had collected to aid my recollection1 and guide me in this undertaking1 are no longer in my possession1 nor can ,i ever again hope to regain them4 ,i have but one faithful guide on which ,i can depend3 this is the chain of the sentiments by which the succession of my existence has been marked1 and by these the events which have been either the cause or the effect of the manner of it4 ,i easily forget my misfortunes1 but ,i cannot forget my faults1 and still less my virtuous sentiments4 ,the remembrance of these is too dear to me ever to suffer them to be effaced from my mind4 ,i may omit facts1 transpose events1 and fall into some errors of dates2 but ,i cannot be deceived in what ,i have felt1 nor in that which from sentiment ,i have done2 and to relate this is the chief end of my present work4 ,the real object of my confessions is to communicate an exact knowledge of what ,i interiorly am and have been in every situation of my life4 ,i have promised the history of my mind1 and to write it faithfully ,i have no need of other memoirs3 to enter into my own heart1 as ,i have hitherto done1 will alone be sufficient4 ,there is1 however1 and very happily1 an interval of six or seven years1 relative to which ,i have exact references1 in a collection of letters copied from the originals1 in the hands of ,m4 du ,peyrou4 ,this collection1 which concludes in #agfj1 comprehends the whole time of my residence at the hermitage1 and my great quarrel with those who called themselves my friends2 that memorable epocha of my life1 and the source of all my other misfortunes4 ,with respect to more recent original letters which may remain in my possession1 and are but few in number1 instead of transcribing them at the end of this collection1 too voluminous to enable me to deceive the vigilance of my ,arguses1 ,i will copy them into the work whenever they appear to furnish any explanation1 be this either for or against myself2 for ,i am not under the least apprehension lest the reader should forget ,i make my confession1 and be induced to believe ,i make my apology2 but he cannot expect ,i shall conceal the truth when it testifies in my favor4 ,the second part1 it is likewise to be remembered1 contains nothing in common with the first1 except truth2 nor has any other advantage over it1 but the importance of the facts2 in everything else1 it is inferior to the former4 ,i wrote the first with pleasure1 with satisfaction1 and at my ease1 at ,wootton1 or in the castle ,trie3 everything ,i had to recollect was a new enjoyment4 ,i returned to my closet with an increased pleasure1 and1 without constraint1 gave that turn to my descriptions which most flattered my imagination4 ,at present my head and memory are become so weak as to render me almost incapable of every kind of application3 my present undertaking is the result of constraint1 and a heart full of sorrow4 ,i have nothing to treat of but misfortunes1 treacheries1 perfidies1 and circumstances equally afflicting4 ,i would give the world1 could ,i bury in the obscurity of time every thing ,i have to say1 and which1 in spite of myself1 ,i am obliged to relate4 ,i am1 at the same time1 under the necessity of being mysterious and subtle1 of endeavoring to impose and of descending to things the most foreign to my nature4 ,the ceiling under which ,i write has eyes2 the walls of my chamber have ears4 ,surrounded by spies and by vigilant and malevolent inspectors1 disturbed1 and my attention diverted1 ,i hastily commit to paper a few broken sentences1 which ,i have scarcely time to read1 and still less to correct4 ,i know that1 notwithstanding the barriers which are multiplied around me1 my enemies are afraid truth should escape by some little opening4 ,what means can ,i take to introduce it to the world8 ,this1 however1 ,i attempt with but few hopes of success4 ,the reader will judge whether or not such a situation furnishes the means of agreeable descriptions1 or of giving them a seductive coloring6 ,i therefore inform such as may undertake to read this work1 that nothing can secure them from weariness in the prosecution of their task1 unless it be the desire of becoming more fully acquainted with a man whom they already know1 and a sincere love of justice and truth4 ,in my first part ,i brought down my narrative to my departure with infinite regret for ,paris1 leaving my heart at ,charmettes1 and1 there building my last castle in the air1 intending some day to return to the feet of mamma1 restored to herself1 with the treasures ,i should have acquired1 and depending upon my system of music as upon a certain fortune4 ,i made some stay at ,lyons to visit my acquaintance1 procure letters of recommendation to ,paris1 and to sell my books of geometry which ,i had brought with me4 ,i was well received by all whom ,i knew4 ,m4 and ,madam de ,malby seemed pleased to see me again1 and several times invited me to dinner4 ,at their house ,i became acquainted with the ,abbe de ,malby1 as ,i had already done with the ,abbe de ,condillac1 both of whom were on a visit to their brother4 ,the ,abbe de ,malby gave me letters to ,paris2 among others1 one to ,m4 de ,pontenelle1 and another to the ,comte de ,caylus4 ,these were very agreeable acquaintances1 especially the first1 to whose friendship for me his death only put a period1 and from whom1 in our private conversations1 ,i received advice which ,i ought to have more exactly followed4 ,i likewise saw ,m4 ,bordes1 with whom ,i had been long acquainted1 and who had frequently obliged me with the greatest cordiality and the most real pleasure4 ,he it was who enabled me to sell my books2 and he also gave me from himself good recommendations to ,paris4 ,i again saw the intendant for whose acquaintance ,i was indebted to ,m4 ,bordes1 and who introduced me to the ,duke de ,richelieu1 who was then passing through ,lyons4 ,m4 ,pallu presented me4 ,the ,duke received me well1 and invited me to come and see him at ,paris2 ,i did so several times2 although this great acquaintance1 of which ,i shall frequently have occasion to speak1 was never of the most trifling utility to me4 ,i visited the musician ,david1 who1 in one of my former journeys1 and in my distress1 had rendered me service4 ,he had either lent or given me a cap and a pair of stockings1 which ,i have never returned1 nor has he ever asked me for them1 although we have since that time frequently seen each other4 ,i1 however1 made him a present1 something like an equivalent4 ,i would say more upon this subject1 were what ,i have owned in question2 but ,i have to speak of what ,i have done1 which1 unfortunately1 is far from being the same thing4 ,i also saw the noble and generous ,perrichon1 and not without feeling the effects of his accustomed munificence2 for he made me the same present he had previously done to the elegant ,bernard1 by paying for my place in the diligence4 ,i visited the surgeon ,parisot1 the best and most benevolent of men2 as also his beloved ,godefroi1 who had lived with him ten years1 and whose merit chiefly consisted in her gentle manners and goodness of heart4 ,it was impossible to see this woman without pleasure1 or to leave her without regret4 ,nothing better shows the inclinations of a man1 than the nature of his attachments4 ,unless he be deceived in his choice1 or that she1 to whom he attaches himself1 changes her character by an extraordinary concurrence of causes1 which is not absolutely impossible4 ,were this consequence to be admitted without modification1 ,socrates must be judged of by his wife ,xantippe1 and ,dion by his friend ,calippus1 which would be the most false and iniquitous judgment ever made4 ,however1 let no injurious application be here made to my wife4 ,she is weak and more easily deceived than ,i at first imagined1 but by her pure and excellent character she is worthy of all my esteem4 ,those who had once seen the gentle ,godefroi1 immediately knew the good and amiable ,parisot4 ,i was much obliged to all these good people1 but ,i afterwards neglected them all2 not from ingratitude1 but from that invincible indolence which so often assumes its appearance4 ,the remembrance of their services has never been effaced from my mind1 nor the impression they made from my heart2 but ,i could more easily have proved my gratitude1 than assiduously have shown them the exterior of that sentiment4 ,exactitude in correspondence is what ,i never could observe2 the moment ,i began to relax1 the shame and embarrassment of repairing my fault made me aggravate it1 and ,i entirely desist from writing2 ,i have1 therefore1 been silent1 and appeared to forget them4 ,parisot and ,perrichon took not the least notice of my negligence1 and ,i ever found them the same4 ,but1 twenty years afterwards it will be seen1 in ,m4 ,bordes1 to what a degree the self-love of a wit can make him carry his vengeance when he feels himself neglected4 ,before ,i leave ,lyons1 ,i must not forget an amiable person1 whom ,i again saw with more pleasure than ever1 and who left in my heart the most tender remembrance4 ,this was ,mademoiselle ,serre1 of whom ,i have spoken in my first part2 ,i renewed my acquaintance with her whilst ,i was at ,m4 de ,malby's4 ,being this time more at leisure1 ,i saw her more frequently1 and she made the most sensible impressions on my heart4 ,i had some reason to believe her own was not unfavorable to my pretensions2 but she honored me with her confidence so far as to remove from me all temptation to allure her partiality4 ,she had no fortune1 and in this respect exactly resembled myself2 our situations were too similar to permit us to become united2 and with the views ,i then had1 ,i was far from thinking of marriage4 ,she gave me to understand that a young merchant1 one ,m4 ,geneve1 seemed to wish to obtain her hand4 ,i saw him once or twice at her lodgings2 he appeared to me to be an honest man1 and this was his general character4 ,persuaded she would be happy with him1 ,i was desirous he should marry her1 which he afterwards did2 and that ,i might not disturb their innocent love1 ,i hastened my departure2 offering up1 for the happiness of that charming woman1 prayers1 which1 here below were not long heard4 ,alas6 her time was very short1 for ,i afterwards heard she died in the second or third year after her marriage4 ,my mind1 during the journey1 was wholly absorbed in tender regret4 ,i felt1 and since that time1 when these circumstances have been present to my recollection1 have frequently done the same2 that although the sacrifices made to virtue and our duty may sometimes be painful1 we are well rewarded by the agreeable remembrance they leave deeply engraven in our hearts4 ,i this time saw ,paris in as favorable a point of view as it had appeared to me in an unfavorable one at my first journey2 not that my ideas of its brilliancy arose from the splendor of my lodgings2 for in consequence of an address given me by ,m4 ,bordes1 ,i resided at the ,hotel ,st4 ,quentin1 ,rue des ,cordiers1 near the ,sorbonne2 a vile street1 a miserable hotel1 and a wretched apartment3 but nevertheless a house in which several men of merit1 such as ,gresset1 ,bordes1 ,abbe ,malby1 ,condillac1 and several others1 of whom unfortunately ,i found not one1 had taken up their quarters2 but ,i there met with ,m4 ,bonnefond1 a man unacquainted with the world1 lame1 litigious1 and who affected to be a purist4 ,to him ,i owe the acquaintance of ,m4 ,roguin1 at present the oldest friend ,i have and by whose means ,i became acquainted with ,diderot1 of whom ,i shall soon have occasion to say a good deal4 ,i arrived at ,paris in the autumn of #agda1 with fifteen louis in my purse1 and with my comedy of ,narcissus and my musical project in my pocket4 ,these composed my whole stock2 consequently ,i had not much time to lose before ,i attempted to turn the latter to some advantage4 ,i therefore immediately thought of making use of my recommendations4 ,a young man who arrives at ,paris1 with a tolerable figure1 and announces himself by his talents1 is sure to be well received4 ,this was my good fortune1 which procured me some pleasure without leading to anything solid4 ,of all the persons to whom ,i was recommended1 three only were useful to me4 ,m4 ,damesin1 a gentleman of ,savoy1 at that time equerry1 and ,i believe favorite1 of the ,princess of ,carignan2 ,m4 de ,boze1 ,secretary of the ,academy of ,inscriptions1 and keeper of the medals of the king's cabinet2 and ,father ,castel1 a ,jesuit1 author of the ',clavecin oculaire'4--ocular harpsichord4 ,all these recommendations1 except that to ,m4 ,damesin1 were given me by the ,abbe de ,malby4 ,m4 ,damesin provided me with that which was most needful1 by means of two persons with whom he brought me acquainted4 ,one was ,m4 ,gase1 'president a mortier' of the parliament of ,bordeaux1 and who played very well upon the violin2 the other1 the ,abbe de ,leon1 who then lodged in the ,sorbonne1 a young nobleman2 extremely amiable1 who died in the flower of his age1 after having1 for a few moments1 made a figure in the world under the name of the ,chevalier de ,rohan4 ,both these gentlemen had an inclination to learn composition4 ,in this ,i gave them lessons for a few months1 by which means my decreasing purse received some little aid4 ,the ,abbe ,leon conceived a friendship for me1 and wished me to become his secretary2 but he was far from being rich1 and all the salary he could offer me was eight hundred livres1 which1 with infinite regret1 ,i refused2 since it was insufficient to defray the expenses of my lodging1 food1 and clothing4 ,i was well received by ,m4 de ,boze4 ,he had a thirst for knowledge1 of which he possessed not a little1 but was somewhat pedantic4 ,madam de ,boze much resembled him2 she was lively and affected4 ,i sometimes dined with them1 and it is impossible to be more awkward than ,i was in her presence4 ,her easy manner intimidated me1 and rendered mine more remarkable4 ,when she presented me a plate1 ,i modestly put forward my fork to take one of the least bits of what she offered me1 which made her give the plate to her servant1 turning her head aside that ,i might not see her laugh4 ,she had not the least suspicion that in the head of the rustic with whom she was so diverted there was some small portion of wit4 ,m4 de ,boze presented me to ,m4 de ,reaumur1 his friend1 who came to dine with him every ,friday1 the day on which the ,academy of ,sciences met4 ,he mentioned to him my project1 and the desire ,i had of having it examined by the academy4 ,m4 de ,reaumur consented to make the proposal1 and his offer was accepted4 ,on the day appointed ,i was introduced and presented by ,m4 de ,reaumur1 and on the same day1 ,august #bb;d1 #agdb1 ,i had the honor to read to the academy the memoir ,i had prepared for that purpose4 ,although this illustrious assembly might certainly well be expected to inspire me with awe1 ,i was less intimidated on this occasion than ,i had been in the presence of ,madam de ,boze1 and ,i got tolerably well through my reading and the answers ,i was obliged to give4 ,the memoir was well received1 and acquired me some compliments by which ,i was equally surprised and flattered1 imagining that before such an assembly1 whoever was not a member of it could not have commonsense4 ,the persons appointed to examine my system were ,m4 ,mairan1 ,m4 ,hellot1 and ,m4 de ,fouchy1 all three men of merit1 but not one of them understood music1 at least not enough of composition to enable them to judge of my project4 ,during my conference with these gentlemen1 ,i was convinced with no less certainty than surprise1 that if men of learning have sometimes fewer prejudices than others1 they more tenaciously retain those they have4 ,however weak or false most of their objections were1 and although ,i answered them with great timidity1 and ,i confess1 in bad terms1 yet with decisive reasons1 ,i never once made myself understood1 or gave them any explanation in the least satisfactory4 ,i was constantly surprised at the facility with which1 by the aid of a few sonorous phrases1 they refuted1 without having comprehended me4 ,they had learned1 ,i know not where1 that a monk of the name of ,souhaitti had formerly invented a mode of noting the gamut by ciphers3 a sufficient proof that my system was not new4 ,this might1 perhaps1 be the case2 for although ,i had never heard of ,father ,souhaitti1 and notwithstanding his manner of writing the seven notes without attending to the octaves was not1 under any point of view1 worthy of entering into competition with my simple and commodious invention for easily noting by ciphers every possible kind of music1 keys1 rests1 octaves1 measure1 time1 and length of note2 things on which ,souhaitti had never thought3 it was nevertheless true1 that with respect to the elementary expression of the seven notes1 he was the first inventor4 ,but besides their giving to this primitive invention more importance than was due to it1 they went still further1 and1 whenever they spoke of the fundamental principles of the system1 talked nonsense4 ,the greatest advantage of my scheme was to supersede transpositions and keys1 so that the same piece of music was noted and transposed at will by means of the change of a single initial letter at the head of the air4 ,these gentlemen had heard from the music-masters of ,paris that the method of executing by transposition was a bad one2 and on this authority converted the most evident advantage of my system into an invincible objection against it1 and affirmed that my mode of notation was good for vocal music1 but bad for instrumental2 instead of concluding as they ought to have done1 that it was good for vocal1 and still better for instrumental4 ,on their report the academy granted me a certificate full of fine compliments1 amidst which it appeared that in reality it judged my system to be neither new nor useful4 ,i did not think proper to ornament with such a paper the work entitled ',dissertation sur la musique moderne'1 by which ,i appealed to the public4 ,i had reason to remark on this occasion that1 even with a narrow understanding1 the sole but profound knowledge of a thing is preferable for the purpose of judging of it1 to all the lights resulting from a cultivation of the sciences1 when to these a particular study of that in question has not been joined4 ,the only solid objection to my system was made by ,rameau4 ,i had scarcely explained it to him before he discovered its weak part4 ,your signs1 said he1 are very good inasmuch as they clearly and simply determine the length of notes1 exactly represent intervals1 and show the simple in the double note1 which the common notation does not do2 but they are objectionable on account of their requiring an operation of the mind1 which cannot always accompany the rapidity of execution4 ,the position of our notes1 continued he1 is described to the eye without the concurrence of this operation4 ,if two notes1 one very high and the other very low1 be joined by a series of intermediate ones1 ,i see at the first glance the progress from one to the other by conjoined degrees2 but in your system1 to perceive this series1 ,i must necessarily run over your ciphers one after the other2 the glance of the eye is here useless4 ,the objection appeared to me insurmountable1 and ,i instantly assented to it4 ,although it be simple and striking1 nothing can suggest it but great knowledge and practice of the art1 and it is by no means astonishing that not one of the academicians should have thought of it4 ,but what creates much surprise is1 that these men of great learning1 and who are supposed to possess so much knowledge1 should so little know that each ought to confine his judgment to that which relates to the study with which he has been conversant4 ,my frequent visits to the literati appointed to examine my system and the other academicians gave me an opportunity of becoming acquainted with the most distinguished men of letters in ,paris1 and by this means the acquaintance that would have been the consequence of my sudden admission amongst them1 which afterwards came to pass1 was already established4 ,with respect to the present moment1 absorbed in my new system of music1 ,i obstinately adhered to my intention of effecting a revolution in the art1 and by that means of acquiring a celebrity which1 in the fine arts1 is in ,paris mostly accompanied by fortune4 ,i shut myself in my chamber and labored three or four months with inexpressible ardor1 in forming into a work for the public eye1 the memoir ,i had read before the academy4 ,the difficulty was to find a bookseller to take my manuscript2 and this on account of the necessary expenses for new characters1 and because booksellers give not their money by handfuls to young authors2 although to me it seemed but just my work should render me the bread ,i had eaten while employed in its composition4 ,bonnefond introduced me to ,quillau the father1 with whom ,i agreed to divide the profits1 without reckoning the privilege1 of which ,i paid the whole expense4 ,such were the future proceedings of this ,quillau that ,i lost the expenses of my privilege1 never having received a farthing from that edition2 which1 probably1 had but very middling success1 although the ,abbe des ,fontaines promised to give it celebrity1 and1 notwithstanding the other journalists1 had spoken of it very favorably4 ,the greatest obstacle to making the experiment of my system was the fear1 in case of its not being received1 of losing the time necessary to learn it4 ,to this ,i answered1 that my notes rendered the ideas so clear1 that to learn music by means of the ordinary characters1 time would be gained by beginning with mine4 ,to prove this by experience1 ,i taught music gratis to a young ,american lady1 ,mademoiselle des ,roulins1 with whom ,m4 ,roguin had brought me acquainted4 ,in three months she read every kind of music1 by means of my notation1 and sung at sight better than ,i did myself1 any piece that was not too difficult4 ,this success was convincing1 but not known2 any other person would have filled the journals with the detail1 but with some talents for discovering useful things1 ,i never have possessed that of setting them off to advantage4 ,thus was my airy castle again overthrown2 but this time ,i was thirty years of age1 and in ,paris1 where it is impossible to live for a trifle4 ,the resolution ,i took upon this occasion will astonish none but those by whom the first part of these memoirs has not been read with attention4 ,i had just made great and fruitless efforts1 and was in need of relaxation4 ,instead of sinking with despair ,i gave myself up quietly to my indolence and to the care of ,providence2 and the better to wait for its assistance with patience1 ,i lay down a frugal plan for the slow expenditure of a few louis1 which still remained in my possession1 regulating the expense of my supine pleasures without retrenching it2 going to the coffee-house but every other day1 and to the theatre but twice a week4 ,with respect to the expenses of girls of easy virtue1 ,i had no retrenchment to make2 never having in the whole course of my life applied so much as a farthing to that use except once1 of which ,i shall soon have occasion to speak4 ,the security1 voluptuousness1 and confidence with which ,i gave myself up to this indolent and solitary life1 which ,i had not the means of continuing for three months1 is one of the singularities of my life1 and the oddities of my disposition4 ,the extreme desire ,i had the public should think of me was precisely what discouraged me from showing myself2 and the necessity of paying visits rendered them to such a degree insupportable1 that ,i ceased visiting the academicians and other men of letters1 with whom ,i had cultivated an acquaintance4 ,marivaux1 the ,abbe ,malby1 and ,fontenelle1 were almost the only persons whom ,i sometimes went to see4 ,to the first ,i showed my comedy of ,narcissus4 ,he was pleased with it1 and had the goodness to make in it some improvements4 ,diderot1 younger than these1 was much about my own age4 ,he was fond of music1 and knew it theoretically2 we conversed together1 and he communicated to me some of his literary projects4 ,this soon formed betwixt us a more intimate connection1 which lasted fifteen years1 and which probably would still exist were not ,i1 unfortunately1 and by his own fault1 of the same profession with himself4 ,it would be impossible to imagine in what manner ,i employed this short and precious interval which still remained to me1 before circumstances forced me to beg my bread3--in learning by memory passages from the poets which ,i had learned and forgotten a hundred times4 ,every morning at ten o'clock1 ,i went to walk in the ,luxembourg with a ,virgil and a ,rousseau in my pocket1 and there1 until the hour of dinner1 ,i passed away the time in restoring to my memory a sacred ode or a bucolic1 without being discouraged by forgetting1 by the study of the morning1 what ,i had learned the evening before4 ,i recollected that after the defeat of ,nicias at ,syracuse the captive ,athenians obtained a livelihood by reciting the poems of ,homer4 ,the use ,i made of this erudition to ward off misery was to exercise my happy memory by learning all the poets by rote4 ,i had another expedient1 not less solid1 in the game of chess1 to which ,i regularly dedicated1 at ,maugis1 the evenings on which ,i did not go to the theatre4 ,i became acquainted with ,m4 de ,legal1 ,m4 ,husson1 ,philidor1 and all the great chess players of the day1 without making the least improvement in the game4 ,however1 ,i had no doubt but1 in the end1 ,i should become superior to them all1 and this1 in my own opinion1 was a sufficient resource4 ,the same manner of reasoning served me in every folly to which ,i felt myself inclined4 ,i said to myself3 whoever excels in anything is sure to acquire a distinguished reception in society4 ,let us therefore excel1 no matter in what1 ,i shall certainly be sought after2 opportunities will present themselves1 and my own merit will do the rest4 ,this childishness was not the sophism of my reason2 it was that of my indolence4 ,dismayed at the great and rapid efforts which would have been necessary to call forth my endeavors1 ,i strove to flatter my idleness1 and by arguments suitable to the purpose1 veiled from my own eyes the shame of such a state4 ,i thus calmly waited for the moment when ,i was to be without money2 and had not ,father ,castel1 whom ,i sometimes went to see in my way to the coffee-house1 roused me from my lethargy1 ,i believe ,i should have seen myself reduced to my last farthing without the least emotion4 ,father ,castel was a madman1 but a good man upon the whole2 he was sorry to see me thus impoverish myself to no purpose4 ,since musicians and the learned1 said he1 do not sing by your scale1 change the string1 and apply to the women4 ,you will perhaps succeed better with them4 ,i have spoken of you to ,madam de ,beuzenval2 go to her from me2 she is a good woman who will be glad to see the countryman of her son and husband4 ,you will find at her house ,madam de ,broglie1 her daughter1 who is a woman of wit4 ,madam ,dupin is another to whom ,i also have mentioned you2 carry her your work2 she is desirous of seeing you1 and will receive you well4 ,no thing is done in ,paris without the women4 ,they are the curves1 of which the wise are the asymptotes2 they incessantly approach each other1 but never touch4 ,after having from day to day delayed these very disagreeable steps1 ,i at length took courage1 and called upon ,madam de ,beuzenval4 ,she received me with kindness2 and ,madam de ,broglio entering the chamber1 she said to her3 ,daughter1 this is ,m4 ,rousseau1 of whom ,father ,castel has spoken to us4 ,madam de ,broglie complimented me upon my work1 and going to her harpsichord proved to me she had already given it some attention4 ,perceiving it to be about one o'clock1 ,i prepared to take my leave4 ,madam de ,beuzenval said to me3 ,you are at a great distance from the quarter of the town in which you reside2 stay and dine here4 ,i did not want asking a second time4 ,a quarter of an hour afterwards1 ,i understood1 by a word1 that the dinner to which she had invited me was that of her servants' hall4 ,madam de ,beuzenval was a very good kind of woman1 but of a confined understanding1 and too full of her illustrious ,polish nobility3 she had no idea of the respect due to talents4 ,on this occasion1 likewise1 she judged me by my manner rather than by my dress1 which1 although very plain1 was very neat1 and by no means announced a man to dine with servants4 ,i had too long forgotten the way to the place where they eat to be inclined to take it again4 ,without suffering my anger to appear1 ,i told ,madam de ,beuzenval that ,i had an affair of a trifling nature which ,i had just recollected obliged me to return home1 and ,i immediately prepared to depart4 ,madam de ,broglie approached her mother1 and whispered in her ear a few words which had their effect4 ,madam de ,beuzenval rose to prevent me from going1 and said1 ,i expect that you will do us the honor to dine with us4 ,in this case ,i thought to show pride would be a mark of folly1 and ,i determined to stay4 ,the goodness of ,madam de ,broglie had besides made an impression upon me1 and rendered her interesting in my eyes4 ,i was very glad to dine with her1 and hoped1 that when she knew me better1 she would not regret having procured me that honor4 ,the ,president de ,lamoignon1 very intimate in the family1 dined there also4 ,he1 as well as ,madam de ,broglie1 was a master of all the modish and fashionable small talk jargon of ,paris4 ,poor ,jean ,jacques was unable to make a figure in this way4 ,i had sense enough not to pretend to it1 and was silent4 ,happy would it have been for me1 had ,i always possessed the same wisdom2 ,i should not be in the abyss into which ,i am now fallen4 ,i was vexed at my own stupidity1 and at being unable to justify to ,madam de ,broglie what she had done in my favor4 ,after dinner ,i thought of my ordinary resource4 ,i had in my pocket an epistle in verse1 written to ,parisot during my residence at ,lyons4 ,this fragment was not without some fire1 which ,i increased by my manner of reading1 and made them all three shed tears4 ,whether it was vanity1 or really the truth1 ,i thought the eyes of ,madam de ,broglie seemed to say to her mother3 ,well1 mamma1 was ,i wrong in telling you this man was fitter to dine with us than with your women8 ,until then my heart had been rather burdened1 but after this revenge ,i felt myself satisfied4 ,madam de ,broglie1 carrying her favorable opinion of me rather too far1 thought ,i should immediately acquire fame in ,paris1 and become a favorite with fine ladies4 ,to guide my inexperience she gave me the confessions of the ,count de -----4 ,this book1 said she1 is a ,mentor1 of which you will stand in need in the great world4 ,you will do well by sometimes consulting it4 ,i kept the book upwards of twenty years with a sentiment of gratitude to her from whose hand ,i had received it1 although ,i frequently laughed at the opinion the lady seemed to have of my merit in gallantry4 ,from the moment ,i had read the work1 ,i was desirous of acquiring the friendship of the author4 ,my inclination led me right2 he is the only real friend ,i ever possessed amongst men of letters4 ,i have so long been of the same opinion1 and so perfectly convinced of its being well founded1 that since my return to ,paris ,i confided to him the manuscript of my confessions4 ,the suspicious ,j4 ,j4 never suspected perfidy and falsehood until he had been their victim4 ,from this time ,i thought ,i might depend on the services of ,madam the ,baroness of ,beuzenval1 and the ,marchioness of ,broglie1 and that they would not long leave me without resource4 ,in this ,i was not deceived4 ,but ,i must now speak of my first visit to ,madam ,dupin1 which produced more lasting consequences4 ,madam ,dupin was1 as every one in ,paris knows1 the daughter of ,samuel ,bernard and ,madam ,fontaine4 ,there were three sisters1 who might be called the three graces4 ,madam de la ,touche who played a little prank1 and went to ,england with the ,duke of ,kingston4 ,madam ,darby1 the eldest of the three2 the friend1 the only sincere friend of the ,prince of ,conti2 an adorable woman1 as well by her sweetness and the goodness of her charming character1 as by her agreeable wit and incessant cheerfulness4 ,lastly1 ,madam ,dupin1 more beautiful than either of her sisters1 and the only one who has not been reproached with some levity of conduct4 ,she was the reward of the hospitality of ,m4 ,dupin1 to whom her mother gave her in marriage with the place of farmer general and an immense fortune1 in return for the good reception he had given her in his province4 ,when ,i saw her for the first time1 she was still one of the finest women in ,paris4 ,she received me at her toilette1 her arms were uncovered1 her hair dishevelled1 and her combing-cloth ill-arranged4 ,this scene was new to me2 it was too powerful for my poor head1 ,i became confused1 my senses wandered2 in short1 ,i was violently smitten by ,madam ,dupin4 ,illustration3 #jbfh ,my confusion was not prejudicial to me2 she did not perceive it4 ,she kindly received the book and the author2 spoke with information of my plan1 sung1 accompanied herself on the harpsichord1 kept me to dinner1 and placed me at table by her side4 ,less than this would have turned my brain2 ,i became mad4 ,she permitted me to visit her1 and ,i abused the permission4 ,i went to see her almost every day1 and dined with her twice or thrice a week4 ,i burned with inclination to speak1 but never dared attempt it4 ,several circumstances increased my natural timidity4 ,permission to visit in an opulent family was a door open to fortune1 and in my situation ,i was unwilling to run the risk of shutting it against myself4 ,madam ,dupin1 amiable as she was1 was serious and unanimated2 ,i found nothing in her manners sufficiently alluring to embolden me4 ,her house1 at that time1 as brilliant as any other in ,paris1 was frequented by societies the less numerous1 as the persons by whom they were composed were chosen on account of some distinguished merit4 ,she was fond of seeing every one who had claims to a marked superiority2 the great men of letters1 and fine women4 ,no person was seen in her circle but dukes1 ambassadors1 and blue ribbons4 ,the ,princess of ,rohan1 the ,countess of ,forcalquier1 ,madam de ,mirepoix1 ,madam de ,brignole1 and ,lady ,hervey1 passed for her intimate friends4 ,the ,abbes de ,fontenelle1 de ,saint ,pierre1 and ,saltier1 ,m4 de ,fourmont1 ,m4 de ,berms1 ,m4 de ,buffon1 and ,m4 de ,voltaire1 were of her circle and her dinners4 ,if her reserved manner did not attract many young people1 her society inspired the greater awe1 as it was composed of graver persons1 and the poor ,jean-,jacques had no reason to flatter himself he should be able to take a distinguished part in the midst of such superior talents4 ,i therefore had not courage to speak2 but no longer able to contain myself1 ,i took a resolution to write4 ,for the first two days she said not a word to me upon the subject4 ,on the third day1 she returned me my letter1 accompanying it with a few exhortations which froze my blood4 ,i attempted to speak1 but my words expired upon my lips2 my sudden passion was extinguished with my hopes1 and after a declaration in form ,i continued to live with her upon the same terms as before1 without so much as speaking to her even by the language of the eyes4 ,i thought my folly was forgotten1 but ,i was deceived4 ,m4 de ,francueil1 son to ,m4 ,dupin1 and son-in-law to ,madam ,dupin1 was much the same with herself and me4 ,he had wit1 a good person1 and might have pretensions4 ,this was said to be the case1 and probably proceeded from his mother-in-law's having given him an ugly wife of a mild disposition1 with whom1 as well as with her husband1 she lived upon the best of terms4 ,m4 de ,francueil was fond of talents in others1 and cultivated those he possessed4 ,music1 which he understood very well1 was a means of producing a connection between us4 ,i frequently saw him1 and he soon gained my friendship4 ,he1 however1 suddenly gave me to understand that ,madam ,dupin thought my visits too frequent1 and begged me to discontinue them4 ,such a compliment would have been proper when she returned my letter2 but eight or ten days afterwards1 and without any new cause1 it appeared to me ill-timed4 ,this rendered my situation the more singular1 as ,m4 and ,madam de ,francueil still continued to give me the same good reception as before4 ,i however made the intervals between my visits longer1 and ,i should entirely have ceased calling on them1 had not ,madam ,dupin1 by another unexpected caprice1 sent to desire ,i would for a few days take care of her son1 who changing his preceptor1 remained alone during that interval4 ,i passed eight days in such torments as nothing but the pleasure of obeying ,madam ,dupin could render supportable3 ,i would not have undertaken to pass eight other days like them had ,madam ,dupin given me herself for the recompense4 ,m4 de ,francueil conceived a friendship for me1 and ,i studied with him4 ,we began together a course of chemistry at ,rouelles4 ,that ,i might be nearer at hand1 ,i left my hotel at ,quentin1 and went to lodge at the ,tennis ,court1 ,rue ,verdelet1 which leads into the ,rue ,platiere1 where ,m4 ,dupin lived4 ,there1 in consequence of a cold neglected1 ,i contracted an inflammation of the lungs that had liked to have carried me off4 ,in my younger days ,i frequently suffered from inflammatory disorders1 pleurisies1 and especially quinsies1 to which ,i was very subject1 and which frequently brought me near enough to death to familiarize me to its image4 ,during my convalescence ,i had leisure to reflect upon my situation1 and to lament my timidity1 weakness and indolence2 these1 notwithstanding the fire with which ,i found myself inflamed1 left me to languish in an inactivity of mind1 continually on the verge of misery4 ,the evening preceding the day on which ,i was taken ill1 ,i went to an opera by ,royer2 the name ,i have forgotten4 ,notwithstanding my prejudice in favor of the talents of others1 which has ever made me distrustful of my own1 ,i still thought the music feeble1 and devoid of animation and invention4 ,i sometimes had the vanity to flatter myself3 ,i think ,i could do better than that4 ,but the terrible idea ,i had formed of the composition of an opera1 and the importance ,i heard men of the profession affix to such an undertaking1 instantly discouraged me1 and made me blush at having so much as thought of it4 ,besides1 where was ,i to find a person to write the words1 and one who would give himself the trouble of turning the poetry to my liking8 ,these ideas of music and the opera had possession of my mind during my illness1 and in the delirium of my fever ,i composed songs1 duets1 and choruses4 ,i am certain ,i composed two or three little pieces1 'di prima infenzione'1 perhaps worthy of the admiration of masters1 could they have heard them executed4 ,oh1 could an account be taken of the dreams of a man in a fever1 what great and sublime things would sometimes proceed from his delirium6 ,these subjects of music and opera still engaged my attention during my convalescence1 but my ideas were less energetic4 ,long and frequent meditations1 and which were often involuntary1 and made such an impression upon my mind that ,i resolved to attempt both words and music4 ,this was not the first time ,i had undertaken so difficult a task4 ,whilst ,i was at ,chambery ,i had composed an opera entitled ',iphis and ,anaxarete'1 which ,i had the good sense to throw into the fire4 ,at ,lyons ,i had composed another1 entitled ',la ,decouverte du ,nouveau ,monde'1 which1 after having read it to ,m4 ,bordes1 the ,abbes ,malby1 ,trublet1 and others1 had met the same fate1 notwithstanding ,i had set the prologue and the first act to music1 and although ,david1 after examining the composition1 had told me there were passages in it worthy of ,buononcini4 ,before ,i began the work ,i took time to consider of my plan4 ,in a heroic ballet ,i proposed three different subjects1 in three acts1 detached from each other1 set to music of a different character1 taking for each subject the amours of a poet4 ,i entitled this opera ,les ,muses ,galantes4 ,my first act1 in music strongly characterized1 was ,tasso2 the second in tender harmony1 ,ovid2 and the third1 entitled ,anacreon1 was to partake of the gayety of the dithyrambus4 ,i tried my skill on the first act1 and applied to it with an ardor which1 for the first time1 made me feel the delightful sensation produced by the creative power of composition4 ,one evening1 as ,i entered the opera1 feeling myself strongly incited and overpowered by my ideas1 ,i put my money again into my pocket1 returned to my apartment1 locked the door1 and1 having close drawn all the curtains1 that every ray of light might be excluded1 ,i went to bed1 abandoning myself entirely to this musical and poetical 'oestrum'1 and in seven or eight hours rapidly composed the greatest part of an act4 ,i can truly say my love for the ,princess of ,ferrara 7for ,i was ,tasso for the moment7 and my noble and lofty sentiment with respect to her unjust brother1 procured me a night a hundred times more delicious than one passed in the arms of the princess would have been4 ,in the morning but a very little of what ,i had done remained in my head1 but this little1 almost effaced by sleep and lassitude1 still sufficiently evinced the energy of the pieces of which it was the scattered remains4 ,i this time did1 not proceed far with my undertaking1 being interrupted by other affairs4 ,whilst ,i attached myself to the family of ,dupin1 ,madam de ,beuzenval and ,madam de ,broglie1 whom ,i continued to visit1 had not forgotten me4 ,the ,count de ,montaigu1 captain in the guards1 had just been appointed ambassador to ,venice4 ,he was an ambassador made by ,barjac1 to whom he assiduously paid his court4 ,his brother1 the ,chevalier de ,montaigu1 'gentilhomme de la manche' to the dauphin1 was acquainted with these ladies1 and with the ,abbe ,alary of the ,french academy1 whom ,i sometimes visited4 ,madam de ,broglie having heard the ambassador was seeking a secretary1 proposed me to him4 ,a conference was opened between us4 ,i asked a salary of fifty guineas1 a trifle for an employment which required me to make some appearance4 ,the ambassador was unwilling to give more than a thousand livres1 leaving me to make the journey at my own expense4 ,the proposal was ridiculous4 ,we could not agree1 and ,m4 de ,francueil1 who used all his efforts to prevent my departure1 prevailed4 ,i stayed1 and ,m4 de ,montaigu set out on his journey1 taking with him another secretary1 one ,m4 ,follau1 who had been recommended to him by the office of foreign affairs4 ,they no sooner arrived at ,venice than they quarrelled4 ,follau perceiving he had to do with a madman1 left him there1 and ,m4 de ,montaigu having nobody with him1 except a young abbe of the name of ,binis1 who wrote under the secretary1 and was unfit to succeed him1 had recourse to me4 ,the chevalier1 his brother1 a man of wit1 by giving me to understand there were advantages annexed to the place of secretary1 prevailed upon me to accept the thousand livres4 ,i was paid twenty louis in advance for my journey1 and immediately departed4 ,at ,lyons ,i would most willingly have taken the road to ,mount ,cenis1 to see my poor mamma4 ,but ,i went down the ,rhone1 and embarked at ,toulon1 as well on account of the war1 and from a motive of economy1 as to obtain a passport from ,m4 de ,mirepoix1 who then commanded in ,provence1 and to whom ,i was recommended4 ,m4 de ,montaigu not being able to do without me1 wrote letter after letter1 desiring ,i would hasten my journey2 this1 however1 an accident considerably prolonged4 ,it was at the time of the plague at ,messina1 and the ,english fleet had anchored there1 and visited the ,felucca1 on board of which ,i was1 and this circumstance subjected us1 on our arrival1 after a long and difficult voyage1 to a quarantine of one-and-twenty days4 ,the passengers had the choice of performing it on board or in the ,lazaretto1 which we were told was not yet furnished4 ,they all chose the ,felucca4 ,the insupportable heat1 the closeness of the vessel1 the impossibility of walking in it1 and the vermin with which it swarmed1 made me at all risks prefer the ,lazaretto4 ,i was therefore conducted to a large building of two stories1 quite empty1 in which ,i found neither window1 bed1 table1 nor chair1 not so much as even a joint-stool or bundle of straw4 ,my night sack and my two trunks being brought me1 ,i was shut in by great doors with huge locks1 and remained at full liberty to walk at my ease from chamber to chamber and story to story1 everywhere finding the same solitude and nakedness4 ,this1 however1 did not induce me to repent that ,i had preferred the ,lazaretto to the ,felucca2 and1 like another ,robinson ,crusoe1 ,i began to arrange myself for my one-and twenty days1 just as ,i should have done for my whole life4 ,in the first place1 ,i had the amusement of destroying the vermin ,i had caught in the ,felucca4 ,as soon as ,i had got clear of these1 by means of changing my clothes and linen1 ,i proceeded to furnish the chamber ,i had chosen4 ,i made a good mattress with my waistcoats and shirts2 my napkins ,i converted1 by sewing them together1 into sheets2 my robe de chambre into a counterpane2 and my cloak into a pillow4 ,i made myself a seat with one of my trunks laid flat1 and a table with the other4 ,i took out some writing paper and an inkstand1 and distributed1 in the manner of a library1 a dozen books which ,i had with me4 ,in a word1 ,i so well arranged my few movables1 that except curtains and windows1 ,i was almost as commodiously lodged in this ,lazeretto1 absolutely empty as it was1 as ,i had been at the ,tennis ,court in the ,rue ,verdelet4 ,my dinners were served with no small degree of pomp2 they were escorted by two grenadiers with bayonets fixed2 the staircase was my dining-room1 the landing-place my table1 and the steps served me for a seat2 and as soon as my dinner was served up a little bell was rung to inform me ,i might sit down to table4 ,between my repasts1 when ,i did not either read or write or work at the furnishing of my apartment1 ,i went to walk in the burying-ground of the ,protestants1 which served me as a courtyard4 ,from this place ,i ascended to a lanthorn which looked into the harbor1 and from which ,i could see the ships come in and go out4 ,in this manner ,i passed fourteen days1 and should have thus passed the whole time of the quarantine without the least weariness had not ,m4 ,joinville1 envoy from ,france1 to whom ,i found means to send a letter1 vinegared1 perfumed1 and half burnt1 procured eight days of the time to be taken off3 these ,i went and spent at his house1 where ,i confess ,i found myself better lodged than in the ,lazaretto4 ,he was extremely civil to me4 ,dupont1 his secretary1 was a good creature3 he introduced me1 as well at ,genoa as in the country1 to several families1 the company of which ,i found very entertaining and agreeable2 and ,i formed with him an acquaintance and a correspondence which we kept up for a considerable length of time4 ,i continued my journey1 very agreeably1 through ,lombardy4 ,i saw ,milan1 ,verona1 ,brescie1 and ,padua1 and at length arrived at ,venice1 where ,i was impatiently expected by the ambassador4 ,i found there piles of despatches1 from the court and from other ambassadors1 the ciphered part of which he had not been able to read1 although he had all the ciphers necessary for that purpose1 never having been employed in any office1 nor even seen the cipher of a minister4 ,i was at first apprehensive of meeting with some embarrassment2 but ,i found nothing could be more easy1 and in less than a week ,i had deciphered the whole1 which certainly was not worth the trouble2 for not to mention the little activity required in the embassy of ,venice1 it was not to such a man as ,m4 de ,montaigu that government would confide a negotiation of even the most trifling importance4 ,until my arrival he had been much embarrassed1 neither knowing how to dictate nor to write legibly4 ,i was very useful to him1 of which he was sensible2 and he treated me well4 ,to this he was also induced by another motive4 ,since the time of ,m4 de ,froulay1 his predecessor1 whose head became deranged1 the consul from ,france1 ,m4 le ,blond1 had been charged with the affairs of the embassy1 and after the arrival of ,m4 de ,montaigu1 continued to manage them until he had put him into the track4 ,m4 de ,montaigu1 hurt at this discharge of his duty by another1 although he himself was incapable of it1 became disgusted with the consul1 and as soon as ,i arrived deprived him of the functions of secretary to the embassy to give them to me4 ,they were inseparable from the title1 and he told me to take it4 ,as long as ,i remained with him he never sent any person except myself under this title to the senate1 or to conference1 and upon the whole it was natural enough he should prefer having for secretary to the embassy a man attached to him1 to a consul or a clerk of office named by the court4 ,this rendered my situation very agreeable1 and prevented his gentlemen1 who were ,italians1 as well as his pages1 and most of his suite from disputing precedence with me in his house4 ,i made an advantageous use of the authority annexed to the title he had conferred upon me1 by maintaining his right of protection1 that is1 the freedom of his neighborhood1 against the attempts several times made to infringe it2 a privilege which his ,venetian officers took no care to defend4 ,but ,i never permitted banditti to take refuge there1 although this would have produced me advantages of which his excellency would not have disdained to partake4 ,he thought proper1 however1 to claim a part of those of the secretaryship1 which is called the chancery4 ,it was in time of war1 and there were many passports issued4 ,for each of these passports a sequin was paid to the secretary who made it out and countersigned it4 ,all my predecessors had been paid this sequin by ,frenchmen and others without distinction4 ,i thought this unjust1 and although ,i was not a ,frenchman1 ,i abolished it in favor of the ,french2 but ,i so rigorously demanded my right from persons of every other nation1 that the ,marquis de ,scotti1 brother to the favorite of the ,queen of ,spain1 having asked for a passport without taking notice of the sequin3 ,i sent to demand it2 a boldness which the vindictive ,italian did not forget4 ,as soon as the new regulation ,i had made1 relative to passports1 was known1 none but pretended ,frenchmen1 who in a gibberish the most mispronounced1 called themselves ,provencals1 ,picards1 or ,burgundians1 came to demand them4 ,my ear being very fine1 ,i was not thus made a dupe1 and ,i am almost persuaded that not a single ,italian ever cheated me of my sequin1 and that not one ,frenchman ever paid it4 ,i was foolish enough to tell ,m4 de ,montaigu1 who was ignorant of everything that passed1 what ,i had done4 ,the word sequin made him open his ears1 and without giving me his opinion of the abolition of that tax upon the ,french1 he pretended ,i ought to account with him for the others1 promising me at the same time equivalent advantages4 ,more filled with indignation at this meanness1 than concern for my own interest1 ,i rejected his proposal4 ,he insisted1 and ,i grew warm4 ,no1 sir1 said ,i1 with some heat1 your excellency may keep what belongs to you1 but do not take from me that which is mine2 ,i will not suffer you to touch a penny of the perquisites arising from passports4 ,perceiving he could gain nothing by these means he had recourse to others1 and blushed not to tell me that since ,i had appropriated to myself the profits of the chancery1 it was but just ,i should pay the expenses4 ,i was unwilling to dispute upon this subject1 and from that time ,i furnished at my own expense1 ink1 paper1 wax1 wax-candle1 tape1 and even a new seal1 for which he never reimbursed me to the amount of a farthing4 ,this1 however1 did not prevent my giving a small part of the produce of the passports to the ,abbe de ,binis1 a good creature1 and who was far from pretending to have the least right to any such thing4 ,if he was obliging to me my politeness to him was an equivalent1 and we always lived together on the best of terms4 ,on the first trial ,i made of his talents in my official functions1 ,i found him less troublesome than ,i expected he would have been1 considering he was a man without experience1 in the service of an ambassador who possessed no more than himself1 and whose ignorance and obstinacy constantly counteracted everything with which common-sense and some information inspired me for his service and that of the king4 ,the next thing the ambassador did was to connect himself with the ,marquis ,mari1 ambassador from ,spain1 an ingenious and artful man1 who1 had he wished so to do1 might have led him by the nose1 yet on account of the union of the interests of the two crowns he generally gave him good advice1 which might have been of essential service1 had not the other1 by joining his own opinion1 counteracted it in the execution4 ,the only business they had to conduct in concert with each other was to engage the ,venetians to maintain their neutrality4 ,these did not neglect to give the strongest assurances of their fidelity to their engagement at the same time that they publicly furnished ammunition to the ,austrian troops1 and even recruits under pretense of desertion4 ,m4 de ,montaigu1 who ,i believe wished to render himself agreeable to the republic1 failed not on his part1 notwithstanding my representation to make me assure the government in all my despatches1 that the ,venetians would never violate an article of the neutrality4 ,the obstinacy and stupidity of this poor wretch made me write and act extravagantly3 ,i was obliged to be the agent of his folly1 because he would have it so1 but he sometimes rendered my employment insupportable and the functions of it almost impracticable4 ,for example1 he insisted on the greatest part of his despatches to the king1 and of those to the minister1 being written in cipher1 although neither of them contained anything that required that precaution4 ,i represented to him that between the ,friday1 the day the despatches from the court arrived1 and ,saturday1 on which ours were sent off1 there was not sufficient time to write so much in cipher1 and carry on the considerable correspondence with which ,i was charged for the same courier4 ,he found an admirable expedient1 which was to prepare on ,thursday the answer to the despatches we were expected to receive on the next day4 ,this appeared to him so happily imagined1 that notwithstanding all ,i could say on the impossibility of the thing1 and the absurdity of attempting its execution1 ,i was obliged to comply during the whole time ,i afterwards remained with him1 after having made notes of the few loose words he spoke to me in the course of the week1 and of some trivial circumstances which ,i collected by hurrying from place to place4 ,provided with these materials ,i never once failed carrying to him on the ,thursday morning a rough draft of the despatches which were to be sent off on ,saturday1 excepting the few additions and corrections ,i hastily made in answer to the letters which arrived on the ,friday1 and to which ours served for answer4 ,he had another custom1 diverting enough and which made his correspondence ridiculous beyond imagination4 ,he sent back all information to its respective source1 instead of making it follow its course4 ,to ,m4 ,amelot he transmitted the news of the court2 to ,m4 ,maurepas1 that of ,paris2 to ,m4 d' ,havrincourt1 the news from ,sweden2 to ,m4 de ,chetardie1 that from ,petersbourg2 and sometimes to each of those the news they had respectively sent to him1 and which ,i was employed to dress up in terms different from those in which it was conveyed to us4 ,as he read nothing of what ,i laid before him1 except the despatches for the court1 and signed those to other ambassadors without reading them1 this left me more at liberty to give what turn ,i thought proper to the latter1 and in these therefore ,i made the articles of information cross each other4 ,but it was impossible for me to do the same by despatches of importance2 and ,i thought myself happy when ,m4 de ,montaigu did not take it into his head to cram into them an impromptu of a few lines after his manner4 ,this obliged me to return1 and hastily transcribe the whole despatch decorated with his new nonsense1 and honor it with the cipher1 without which he would have refused his signature4 ,i was frequently almost tempted1 for the sake of his reputation1 to cipher something different from what he had written1 but feeling that nothing could authorize such a deception1 ,i left him to answer for his own folly1 satisfying myself with having spoken to him with freedom1 and discharged at my own peril the duties of my station4 ,this is what ,i always did with an uprightness1 a zeal and courage1 which merited on his part a very different recompense from that which in the end ,i received from him4 ,it was time ,i should once be what ,heaven1 which had endowed me with a happy disposition1 what the education that had been given me by the best of women1 and that ,i had given myself1 had prepared me for1 and ,i became so4 ,left to my own reflections1 without a friend or advice1 without experience1 and in a foreign country1 in the service of a foreign nation1 surrounded by a crowd of knaves1 who1 for their own interest1 and to avoid the scandal of good example1 endeavored to prevail upon me to imitate them2 far from yielding to their solicitations1 ,i served ,france well1 to which ,i owed nothing1 and the ambassador still better1 as it was right and just ,i should do to the utmost of my power4 ,irreproachable in a post1 sufficiently exposed to censure1 ,i merited and obtained the esteem of the republic1 that of all the ambassadors with whom we were in correspondence1 and the affection of the ,french who resided at ,venice1 not even excepting the consul1 whom with regret ,i supplanted in the functions which ,i knew belonged to him1 and which occasioned me more embarrassment than they afforded me satisfaction4 ,m4 de ,montaigu1 confiding without reserve to the ,marquis ,mari1 who did not thoroughly understand his duty1 neglected it to such a degree that without me the ,french who were at ,venice would not have perceived that an ambassador from their nation resided there4 ,always put off without being heard when they stood in need of his protection1 they became disgusted and no longer appeared in his company or at his table1 to which indeed he never invited them4 ,i frequently did from myself what it was his duty to have done2 ,i rendered to the ,french1 who applied to me1 all the services in my power4 ,in any other country ,i should have done more1 but1 on account of my employment1 not being able to see persons in place1 ,i was often obliged to apply to the consul1 and the consul1 who was settled in the country with his family1 had many persons to oblige1 which prevented him from acting as he otherwise would have done4 ,however1 perceiving him unwilling and afraid to speak1 ,i ventured hazardous measures1 which sometimes succeeded4 ,i recollect one which still makes me laugh4 ,no person would suspect it was to me the lovers of the theatre at ,paris1 owe ,coralline and her sister ,camille1 nothing however1 can be more true4 ,veronese1 their father1 had engaged himself with his children in the ,italian company1 and after having received two thousand livres for the expenses of his journey1 instead of setting out for ,france1 quietly continued at ,venice1 and accepted an engagement in the theatre of ,saint ,luke1 to which ,coralline1 a child as she still was1 drew great numbers of people4 ,the ,duke de ,greves1 as first gentleman of the chamber1 wrote to the ambassador to claim the father and the daughter4 ,m4 de ,montaigu when he gave me the letter1 confined his instructions to saying1 'voyez cela'1 examine and pay attention to this4 ,i went to ,m4 ,blond to beg he would speak to the patrician1 to whom the theatre belonged1 and who1 ,i believe1 was named ,zustinian1 that he might discharge ,veronese1 who had engaged in the name of the king4 ,le ,blond1 to whom the commission was not very agreeable1 executed it badly4 ,zustinian answered vaguely1 and ,veronese was not discharged4 ,i was piqued at this4 ,it was during the carnival1 and having taken the bahute and a mask1 ,i set out for the palace ,zustinian4 ,those who saw my gondola arrive with the livery of the ambassador1 were lost in astonishment4 ,venice had never seen such a thing4 ,i entered1 and caused myself to be announced by the name of ',una ,siora ,maschera'4 ,as soon as ,i was introduced ,i took off my mask and told my name4 ,the senator turned pale and appeared stupefied with surprise4 ,sir2 said ,i to him in ,venetian1 it is with much regret ,i importune your excellency with this visit2 but you have in your theatre of ,saint ,luke1 a man of the name of ,veronese1 who is engaged in the service of the king1 and whom you have been requested1 but in vain1 to give up3 ,i come to claim him in the name of his majesty4 ,my short harangue was effectual4 ,i had no sooner left the palace than ,zustinian ran to communicate the adventure to the state inquisitors1 by whom he was severely reprehended4 ,veronese was discharged the same day4 ,i sent him word that if he did not set off within a week ,i would have him arrested4 ,he did not wait for my giving him this intimation a second time4 ,on another occasion ,i relieved from difficulty solely by my own means1 and almost without the assistance of any other person1 the captain of a merchant-ship4 ,this was one ,captain ,olivet1 from ,marseilles2 the name of the vessel ,i have forgotten4 ,his men had quarreled with the ,sclavonians in the service of the republic1 some violence had been committed1 and the vessel was under so severe an embargo that nobody except the master was suffered to go on board or leave it without permission4 ,he applied to the ambassador1 who would hear nothing he had to say4 ,he afterwards went to the consul1 who told him it was not an affair of commerce1 and that he could not interfere in it4 ,not knowing what further steps to take he applied to me4 ,i told ,m4 de ,montaigu he ought to permit me to lay before the senate a memoir on the subject4 ,i do not recollect whether or not he consented1 or that ,i presented the memoir2 but ,i perfectly remember that if ,i did it was ineffectual1 and the embargo still continuing1 ,i took another method1 which succeeded4 ,i inserted a relation of the affairs in one of our letters to ,m4 de ,maurepas1 though ,i had difficulty in prevailing upon ,m4 de ,montaigne to suffer the article to pass4 ,i knew that our despatches1 although their contents were insignificant1 were opened at ,venice4 ,of this ,i had a proof by finding the articles they contained1 verbatim in the gazette1 a treachery of which ,i had in vain attempted to prevail upon the ambassador to complain4 ,my object in speaking of the affair in the letter was to turn the curiosity of the ministers of the republic to advantage1 to inspire them with some apprehensions1 and to induce the state to release the vessel3 for had it been necessary to this effect to wait for an answer from the court1 the captain would have been ruined before it could have arrived4 ,i did still more1 ,i went alongside the vessel to make inquiries of the ship's company4 ,i took with me the ,abbe ,patizel1 chancellor of the consulship1 who would rather have been excused1 so much were these poor creatures afraid of displeasing the ,senate4 ,as ,i could not go on board1 on account of the order from the states1 ,i remained in my gondola1 and there took the depositions successively1 interrogating each of the mariners1 and directing my questions in such a manner as to produce answers which might be to their advantage4 ,i wished to prevail upon ,patizel to put the questions and take depositions himself1 which in fact was more his business than mine2 but to this he would not consent2 he never once opened his mouth and refused to sign the depositions after me4 ,this step1 somewhat bold1 was however1 successful1 and the vessel was released long before an answer came from the minister4 ,the captain wished to make me a present2 but without being angry with him on that account1 ,i tapped him on the shoulder1 saying1 ,captain ,olivet1 can you imagine that he who does not receive from the ,french his perquisite for passports1 which he found his established right1 is a man likely to sell them the king's protection8 ,he1 however1 insisted on giving me a dinner on board his vessel1 which ,i accepted1 and took with me the secretary to the ,spanish embassy1 ,m4 ,carrio1 a man of wit and amiable manners1 to partake of it3 he has since been secretary to the ,spanish embassy at ,paris and charge des affaires4 ,i had formed an intimate connection with him after the example of our ambassadors4 ,happy should ,i have been1 if1 when in the most disinterested manner ,i did all the service ,i could1 ,i had known how to introduce sufficient order into all these little details1 that ,i might not have served others at my own expense4 ,but in employments similar to that ,i held1 in which the most trifling faults are of consequence1 my whole attention was engaged in avoiding all such mistakes as might be detrimental to my service4 ,i conducted1 till the last moment1 everything relative to my immediate duty1 with the greatest order and exactness4 ,excepting a few errors which a forced precipitation made me commit in ciphering1 and of which the clerks of ,m4 ,amelot once complained1 neither the ambassador nor any other person had ever the least reason to reproach me with negligence in any one of my functions4 ,this is remarkable in a man so negligent as ,i am4 ,but my memory sometimes failed me1 and ,i was not sufficiently careful in the private affairs with which ,i was charged2 however1 a love of justice always made me take the loss on myself1 and this voluntarily1 before anybody thought of complaining4 ,i will mention but one circumstance of this nature2 it relates to my departure from ,venice1 and ,i afterwards felt the effects of it in ,paris4 ,our cook1 whose name was ,rousselot1 had brought from ,france an old note for two hundred livres1 which a hairdresser1 a friend of his1 had received from a noble ,venetian of the name of ,zanetto ,nani1 who had had wigs of him to that amount4 ,rousselot brought me the note1 begging ,i would endeavor to obtain payment of some part of it1 by way of accommodation4 ,i knew1 and he knew it also1 that the constant custom of noble ,venetians was1 when once returned to their country1 never to pay the debts they had contracted abroad4 ,when means are taken to force them to payment1 the wretched creditor finds so many delays1 and incurs such enormous expenses1 that he becomes disgusted and concludes by giving up his debtor accepting the most trifling composition4 ,i begged ,m4 le ,blond to speak to ,zanetto4 ,the ,venetian acknowledged the note1 but did not agree to payment4 ,after a long dispute he at length promised three sequins2 but when ,le ,blond carried him the note even these were not ready1 and it was necessary to wait4 ,in this interval happened my quarrel with the ambassador and ,i quitted his service4 ,i had left the papers of the embassy in the greatest order1 but the note of ,rousselot was not to be found4 ,m4 le ,blond assured me he had given it me back4 ,i knew him to be too honest a man to have the least doubt of the matter2 but it was impossible for me to recollect what ,i had done with it4 ,as ,zanetto had acknowledged the debt1 ,i desired ,m4 le ,blond to endeavor to obtain from him the three sequins on giving him a receipt for the amount1 or to prevail upon him to renew the note by way of duplicate4 ,zanetto1 knowing the note to be lost1 would not agree to either4 ,i offered ,rousselot the three sequins from my own purse1 as a discharge of the debt4 ,he refused them1 and said ,i might settle the matter with the creditor at ,paris1 of whom he gave me the address4 ,the hair-dresser1 having been informed of what had passed1 would either have his note or the whole sum for which it was given4 ,what1 in my indignation1 would ,i have given to have found this vexatious paper6 ,i paid the two hundred livres1 and that in my greatest distress4 ,in this manner the loss of the note produced to the creditor the payment of the whole sum1 whereas had it1 unfortunately for him1 been found1 he would have had some difficulty in recovering even the ten crowns1 which his excellency1 ,zanetto ,nani1 had promised to pay4 ,the talents ,i thought ,i felt in myself for my employment made me discharge the functions of it with satisfaction1 and except the society of my friend de ,carrio1 that of the virtuous ,altuna1 of whom ,i shall soon have an occasion to speak1 the innocent recreations of the place ,saint ,mark1 of the theatre1 and of a few visits which we1 for the most part1 made together1 my only pleasure was in the duties of my station4 ,although these were not considerable1 especially with the aid of the ,abbe de ,binis1 yet as the correspondence was very extensive and there was a war1 ,i was a good deal employed4 ,i applied to business the greatest part of every morning1 and on the days previous to the departure of the courier1 in the evenings1 and sometimes till midnight4 ,the rest of my time ,i gave to the study of the political professions ,i had entered upon1 and in which ,i hoped1 from my successful beginning1 to be advantageously employed4 ,in fact ,i was in favor with every one2 the ambassador himself spoke highly of my services1 and never complained of anything ,i did for him2 his dissatisfaction proceeded from my having insisted on quitting him1 in consequence of the useless complaints ,i had frequently made on several occasions4 ,the ambassadors and ministers of the king with whom we were in correspondence complimented him on the merit of his secretary1 in a manner by which he ought to have been flattered1 but which in his poor head produced quite a contrary effect4 ,he received one in particular relative to an affair of importance1 for which he never pardoned me4 ,he was so incapable of bearing the least constraint1 that on the ,saturday1 the day of the despatches for most of the courts1 he could not contain himself1 and wait till the business was done before he went out1 and incessantly pressing me to hasten the despatches to the king and ministers1 he signed them with precipitation1 and immediately went ,i know not where1 leaving most of the other letters without signing2 this obliged me1 when these contained nothing but news1 to convert them into journals2 but when affairs which related to the king were in question it was necessary somebody should sign1 and ,i did it4 ,this once happened relative to some important advice we had just received from ,m4 ,vincent1 charge des affaires from the king1 at ,vienna4 ,the ,prince ,lobkowitz was then marching to ,naples1 and ,count ,gages had just made the most memorable retreat1 the finest military manoeuvre of the whole century1 of which ,europe has not sufficiently spoken4 ,the despatch informed us that a man1 whose person ,m4 ,vincent described1 had set out from ,vienna1 and was to pass by ,venice1 in his way into ,abruzzo1 where he was secretly to stir up the people at the approach of the ,austrians4 ,in the absence of ,m4 le ,comte de ,montaigu1 who did not give himself the least concern about anything1 ,i forwarded this advice to the ,marquis de l',hopital1 so apropos1 that it is perhaps to the poor ,jean ,jacques1 so abused and laughed at1 that the house of ,bourbon owes the preservation of the kingdom of ,naples4 ,the ,marquis de l',hopital1 when he thanked his colleague1 as it was proper he should do1 spoke to him of his secretary1 and mentioned the service he had just rendered to the common cause4 ,the ,comte de ,montaigu1 who in that affair had to reproach himself with negligence1 thought he perceived in the compliment paid him by ,m4 de l',hopital1 something like a reproach1 and spoke of it to me with signs of ill-humor4 ,i found it necessary to act in the same manner with the ,count de ,castellane1 ambassador at ,constantinople1 as ,i had done with the ,marquis de l',hopital1 although in things of less importance4 ,as there was no other conveyance to ,constantinople than by couriers1 sent from time to time by the senate to its ,bailli1 advice of their departure was given to the ambassador of ,france1 that he might write by them to his colleague1 if he thought proper so to do4 ,this advice was commonly sent a day or two beforehand2 but ,m4 de ,montaigu was held in so little respect1 that merely for the sake of form he was sent to1 a couple of hours before the couriers set off4 ,this frequently obliged me to write the despatch in his absence4 ,m4 de ,castellane1 in his answer made honorable mention of me2 ,m4 de ,jonville1 at ,genoa1 did the same1 and these instances of their regard and esteem became new grievances4 ,i acknowledge ,i did not neglect any opportunity of making myself known2 but ,i never sought one improperly1 and in serving well ,i thought ,i had a right to aspire to the natural return for essential services2 the esteem of those capable of judging of1 and rewarding them4 ,i will not say whether or not my exactness in discharging the duties of my employment was a just subject of complaint from the ambassador2 but ,i cannot refrain from declaring that it was the sole grievance he ever mentioned previous to our separation4 ,his house1 which he had never put on a good footing1 was constantly filled with rabble2 the ,french were ill-treated in it1 and the ascendancy was given to the ,italians2 of these even1 the more honest part1 they who had long been in the service of the embassy1 were indecently discharged1 his first gentleman in particular1 whom he had taken from the ,comte de ,froulay1 and who1 if ,i remember right1 was called ,comte de ,peati1 or something very like that name4 ,the second gentleman1 chosen by ,m4 de ,montaigu1 was an outlaw highwayman from ,mantua1 called ,dominic ,vitali1 to whom the ambassador intrusted the care of his house1 and who had by means of flattery and sordid economy1 obtained his confidence1 and became his favorite to the great prejudice of the few honest people he still had about him1 and of the secretary who was at their head4 ,the countenance of an upright man always gives inquietude to knaves4 ,nothing more was necessary to make ,vitali conceive a hatred against me3 but for this sentiment there was still another cause which rendered it more cruel4 ,of this ,i must give an account1 that ,i may be condemned if ,i am found in the wrong4 ,the ambassador had1 according to custom1 a box at each of the theaters4 ,every day at dinner he named the theater to which it was his intention to go3 ,i chose after him1 and the gentlemen disposed of the other boxes4 ,when ,i went out ,i took the key of the box ,i had chosen4 ,one day1 ,vitali not being in the way1 ,i ordered the footman who attended on me1 to bring me the key to a house which ,i named to him4 ,vitali1 instead of sending the key1 said he had disposed of it4 ,i was the more enraged at this as the footman delivered his message in public4 ,in the evening ,vitali wished to make me some apology1 to which however ,i would not listen4 ,to-morrow1 sir1 said ,i to him1 you will come at such an hour and apologize to me in the house where ,i received the affront1 and in the presence of the persons who were witnesses to it2 or after to-morrow1 whatever may be the consequences1 either you or ,i will leave the house4 ,this firmness intimidated him4 ,he came to the house at the hour appointed1 and made me a public apology1 with a meanness worthy of himself4 ,but he afterwards took his measures at leisure1 and at the same time that he cringed to me in public1 he secretly acted in so vile a manner1 that although unable to prevail on the ambassador to give me my dismission1 he laid me under the necessity of resolving to leave him4 ,a wretch like him1 certainly1 could not know me1 but he knew enough of my character to make it serviceable to his purposes4 ,he knew ,i was mild to an excess1 and patient in bearing involuntary wrongs2 but haughty and impatient when insulted with premeditated offences2 loving decency and dignity in things in which these were requisite1 and not more exact in requiring the respect due to myself1 than attentive in rendering that which ,i owed to others4 ,in this he undertook to disgust me1 and in this he succeeded4 ,he turned the house upside down1 and destroyed the order and subordination ,i had endeavored to establish in it4 ,a house without a woman stands in need of rather a severe discipline to preserve that modesty which is inseparable from dignity4 ,he soon converted ours into a place of filthy debauch and scandalous licentiousness1 the haunt of knaves and debauchees4 ,he procured for second gentleman to his excellency1 in the place of him whom he got discharged1 another pimp like himself1 who kept a house of ill-fame1 at the ,cross of ,malta2 and the indecency of these two rascals was equalled by nothing but their insolence4 ,except the bed-chamber of the ambassador1 which1 however1 was not in very good order1 there was not a corner in the whole house supportable to an modest man4 ,as his excellency did not sup1 the gentleman and myself had a private table1 at which the ,abbe ,binis and the pages also ate4 ,in the most paltry ale-house people are served with more cleanliness and decency1 have cleaner linen1 and a table better supplied4 ,we had but one little and very filthy candle1 pewter plates1 and iron forks4 ,i could have overlooked what passed in secret1 but ,i was deprived of my gondola4 ,i was the only secretary to an ambassador1 who was obliged to hire one or go on foot1 and the livery of his excellency no longer accompanied me1 except when ,i went to the senate4 ,besides1 everything which passed in the house was known in the city4 ,all those who were in the service of the other ambassadors loudly exclaimed2 ,dominic1 the only cause of all1 exclaimed louder than anybody1 well knowing the indecency with which we were treated was more affecting to me than to any other person4 ,though ,i was the only one in the house who said nothing of the matter abroad1 ,i complained loudly of it to the ambassador1 as well as of himself1 who1 secretly excited by the wretch1 entirely devoted to his will1 daily made me suffer some new affront4 ,obliged to spend a good deal to keep up a footing with those in the same situation with myself1 and to make are appearance proper to my employment1 ,i could not touch a farthing of my salary1 and when ,i asked him for money1 he spoke of his esteem for me1 and his confidence1 as if either of these could have filled my purse1 and provided for everything4 ,these two banditti at length quite turned the head of their master1 who naturally had not a good one1 and ruined him by a continual traffic1 and by bargains1 of which he was the dupe1 whilst they persuaded him they were greatly in his favor4 ,they persuaded him to take upon the ,brenta1 a ,palazzo1 at twice the rent it was worth1 and divided the surplus with the proprietor4 ,the apartments were inlaid with mosaic1 and ornamented with columns and pilasters1 in the taste of the country4 ,m4 de ,montaigu1 had all these superbly masked by fir wainscoting1 for no other reason than because at ,paris apartments were thus fitted up4 ,it was for a similar reason that he only1 of all the ambassadors who were at ,venice1 took from his pages their swords1 and from his footmen their canes4 ,such was the man1 who1 perhaps from the same motive took a dislike to me on account of my serving him faithfully4 ,i patiently endured his disdain1 his brutality1 and ill-treatment1 as long as1 perceiving them accompanied by ill-humor1 ,i thought they had in them no portion of hatred2 but the moment ,i saw the design formed of depriving me of the honor ,i merited by my faithful services1 ,i resolved to resign my employment4 ,the first mark ,i received of his ill will was relative to a dinner he was to give to the ,duke of ,modena and his family1 who were at ,venice1 and at which he signified to me ,i should not be present4 ,i answered1 piqued1 but not angry1 that having the honor daily to dine at his table1 if the ,duke of ,modena1 when he came1 required ,i should not appear at it1 my duty as well as the dignity of his excellency would not suffer me to consent to such a request4 ,how2 said he passionately1 my secretary1 who is not a gentleman1 pretends to dine with a sovereign when my gentlemen do not6 ,yes1 sir1 replied ,i1 the post with which your excellency has honored me1 as long as ,i discharge the functions of it1 so far ennobles me that my rank is superior to that of your gentlemen or of the persons calling themselves such2 and ,i am admitted where they cannot appear4 ,you cannot but know that on the day on which you shall make your public entry1 ,i am called to the ceremony by etiquette2 and by an immemorial custom1 to follow you in a dress of ceremony1 and afterwards to dine with you at the palace of ,st4 ,mark2 and ,i know not why a man who has a right and is to eat in public with the doge and the senate of ,venice should not eat in private with the ,duke of ,modena4 ,though this argument was unanswerable1 it did not convince the ambassador2 but we had no occasion to renew the dispute1 as the ,duke of ,modena did not come to dine with him4 ,from that moment he did everything in his power to make things disagreeable to me2 and endeavored unjustly to deprive me of my rights1 by taking from me the pecuniary advantages annexed to my employment1 to give them to his dear ,vitali2 and ,i am convinced that had he dared to send him to the senate1 in my place1 he would have done it4 ,he commonly employed the ,abbe ,binis in his closet1 to write his private letters3 he made use of him to write to ,m4 de ,maurepas an account of the affair of ,captain ,olivet1 in which1 far from taking the least notice of me1 the only person who gave himself any concern about the matter1 he deprived me of the honor of the depositions1 of which he sent him a duplicate1 for the purpose of attributing them to ,patizel1 who had not opened his mouth4 ,he wished to mortify me1 and please his favorite2 but had no desire to dismiss me his service4 ,he perceived it would be more difficult to find me a successor1 than ,m4 ,follau1 who had already made him known to the world4 ,an ,italian secretary was absolutely necessary to him1 on account of the answers from the senate2 one who could write all his despatches1 and conduct his affairs1 without his giving himself the least trouble about anything2 a person who1 to the merit of serving him well1 could join the baseness of being the toad-eater of his gentlemen1 without honor1 merit1 or principles4 ,he wished to retain1 and humble me1 by keeping me far from my country1 and his own1 without money to return to either1 and in which he would1 perhaps1 had succeeded1 had he began with more moderation3 but ,vitali1 who had other views1 and wished to force me to extremities1 carried his point4 ,the moment ,i perceived1 ,i lost all my trouble1 that the ambassador imputed to me my services as so many crimes1 instead of being satisfied with them2 that with him ,i had nothing to expect1 but things disagreeable at home1 and injustice abroad2 and that1 in the general disesteem into which he was fallen1 his ill offices might be prejudicial to me1 without the possibility of my being served by his good ones2 ,i took my resolution1 and asked him for my dismission1 leaving him sufficient time to provide himself with another secretary4 ,without answering yes or no1 he continued to treat me in the same manner1 as if nothing had been said4 ,perceiving things to remain in the same state1 and that he took no measures to procure himself a new secretary1 ,i wrote to his brother1 and1 explaining to him my motives1 begged he would obtain my dismission from his excellency1 adding that whether ,i received it or not1 ,i could not possibly remain with him4 ,i waited a long time without any answer1 and began to be embarrassed3 but at length the ambassador received a letter from his brother1 which must have remonstrated with him in very plain terms2 for although he was extremely subject to ferocious rage1 ,i never saw him so violent as on this occasion4 ,after torrents of unsufferable reproaches1 not knowing what more to say1 he accused me of having sold his ciphers4 ,i burst into a loud laughter1 and asked him1 in a sneering manner1 if he thought there was in ,venice a man who would be fool enough to give half a crown for them all4 ,he threatened to call his servants to throw me out of the window4 ,until then ,i had been very composed2 but on this threat1 anger and indignation seized me in my turn4 ,i sprang to the door1 and after having turned a button which fastened it within3 ,no1 count1 said ,i1 returning to him with a grave step1 ,your servants shall have nothing to do with this affair2 please to let it be settled between ourselves4 ,my action and manner instantly made him calm2 fear and surprise were marked in his countenance4 ,the moment ,i saw his fury abated1 ,i bid him adieu in a very few words1 and without waiting for his answer1 went to the door1 opened it1 and passed slowly across the antechamber1 through the midst of his people1 who rose according to custom1 and who1 ,i am of opinion1 would rather have lent their assistance against him than me4 ,without going back to my apartment1 ,i descended the stairs1 and immediately went out of the palace never more to enter it4 ,i hastened immediately to ,m4 le ,blond and related to him what had happened4 ,knowing the man1 he was but little surprised4 ,he kept me to dinner4 ,this dinner1 although without preparation1 was splendid4 ,all the ,french of consequence who were at ,venice1 partook of it4 ,the ambassador had not a single person4 ,the consul related my case to the company4 ,the cry was general1 and by no means in favor of his excellency4 ,he had not settled my account1 nor paid me a farthing1 and being reduced to the few louis ,i had in my pocket1 ,i was extremely embarrassed about my return to ,france4 ,every purse was opened to me4 ,i took twenty sequins from that of ,m4 le ,blond1 and as many from that of ,m4 ,st4 ,cyr1 with whom1 next to ,m4 le ,blond1 ,i was the most intimately connected4 ,i returned thanks to the rest2 and1 till my departure1 went to lodge at the house of the chancellor of the consulship1 to prove to the public1 the nation was not an accomplice in the injustice of the ambassador4 ,his excellency1 furious at seeing me taken notice of in my misfortune1 at the same time that1 notwithstanding his being an ambassador1 nobody went near his house1 quite lost his senses and behaved like a madman4 ,he forgot himself so far as to present a memoir to the senate to get me arrested4 ,on being informed of this by the ,abbe de ,binis1 ,i resolved to remain a fortnight longer1 instead of setting off the next day as ,i had intended4 ,my conduct had been known and approved of by everybody2 ,i was universally esteemed4 ,the senate did not deign to return an answer to the extravagant memoir of the ambassador1 but sent me word ,i might remain in ,venice as long as ,i thought proper1 without making myself uneasy about the attempts of a madman4 ,i continued to see my friends3 ,i went to take leave of the ambassador from ,spain1 who received me well1 and of the ,comte de ,finochietti1 minister from ,naples1 whom ,i did not find at home4 ,i wrote him a letter and received from his excellency the most polite and obliging answer4 ,at length ,i took my departure1 leaving behind me1 notwithstanding my embarrassment1 no other debts than the two sums ,i had borrowed1 and of which ,i have just spoken2 and an account of fifty crowns with a shopkeeper1 of the name of ,morandi1 which ,carrio promised to pay1 and which ,i have never reimbursed him1 although we have frequently met since that time2 but with respect to the two sums of money1 ,i returned them very exactly the moment ,i had it in my power4 ,i cannot take leave of ,venice without saying something of the celebrated amusements of that city1 or at least of the little part of them of which ,i partook during my residence there4 ,it has been seen how little in my youth ,i ran after the pleasures of that age1 or those that are so called4 ,my inclinations did not change at ,venice1 but my occupations1 which moreover would have prevented this1 rendered more agreeable to me the simple recreations ,i permitted myself4 ,the first and most pleasing of all was the society of men of merit4 ,m4 le ,blond1 de ,st4 ,cyr1 ,carrio ,altuna1 and a ,forlinian gentleman1 whose name ,i am very sorry to have forgotten1 and whom ,i never call to my recollection without emotion3 he was the man of all ,i ever knew whose heart most resembled my own4 ,we were connected with two or three ,englishmen of great wit and information1 and1 like ourselves1 passionately fond of music4 ,all these gentlemen had their wives1 female friends1 or mistresses3 the latter were most of them women of talents1 at whose apartments there were balls and concerts4 ,there was but little play2 a lively turn1 talents1 and the theatres rendered this amusement incipid4 ,play is the resource of none but men whose time hangs heavy on their hands4 ,i had brought with me from ,paris the prejudice of that city against ,italian music2 but ,i had also received from nature a sensibility and niceness of distinction which prejudice cannot withstand4 ,i soon contracted that passion for ,italian music with which it inspires all those who are capable of feeling its excellence4 ,in listening to barcaroles1 ,i found ,i had not yet known what singing was1 and ,i soon became so fond of the opera that1 tired of babbling1 eating1 and playing in the boxes when ,i wished to listen1 ,i frequently withdrew from the company to another part of the theater4 ,there1 quite alone1 shut up in my box1 ,i abandoned myself1 notwithstanding the length of the representation1 to the pleasure of enjoying it at ease unto the conclusion4 ,one evening at the theatre of ,saint ,chrysostom1 ,i fell into a more profound sleep than ,i should have done in my bed4 ,the loud and brilliant airs did not disturb my repose4 ,but who can explain the delicious sensations given me by the soft harmony of the angelic music1 by which ,i was charmed from sleep2 what an awaking6 what ravishment6 what ecstasy1 when at the same instant ,i opened my ears and eyes6 ,my first idea was to believe ,i was in paradise4 ,the ravishing air1 which ,i still recollect and shall never forget1 began with these words3 ,conservami la bella1 ,che si m'accende il cor4 ,i was desirous of having it2 ,i had and kept it for a time2 but it was not the same thing upon paper as in my head4 ,the notes were the same but the thing was different4 ,this divine composition can never be executed but in my mind1 in the same manner as it was the evening on which it woke me from sleep4 ,a kind of music far superior1 in my opinion1 to that of operas1 and which in all ,italy has not its equal1 nor perhaps in the whole world1 is that of the 'scuole'4 ,the 'scuole' are houses of charity1 established for the education of young girls without fortune1 to whom the republic afterwards gives a portion either in marriage or for the cloister4 ,amongst talents cultivated in these young girls1 music is in the first rank4 ,every ,sunday at the church of each of the four 'scuole'1 during vespers1 motettos or anthems with full choruses1 accompanied by a great orchestra1 and composed and directed by the best masters in ,italy1 are sung in the galleries by girls only2 not one of whom is more than twenty years of age4 ,i have not an idea of anything so voluptuous and affecting as this music2 the richness of the art1 the exquisite taste of the vocal part1 the excellence of the voices1 the justness of the execution1 everything in these delightful concerts concurs to produce an impression which certainly is not the mode1 but from which ,i am of opinion no heart is secure4 ,carrio and ,i never failed being present at these vespers of the ',mendicanti'1 and we were not alone4 ,the church was always full of the lovers of the art1 and even the actors of the opera came there to form their tastes after these excellent models4 ,what vexed me was the iron grate1 which suffered nothing to escape but sounds1 and concealed from me the angels of which they were worthy4 ,i talked of nothing else4 ,one day ,i spoke of it at ,le ,blond's2 ,if you are so desirous1 said he1 to see those little girls1 it will be an easy matter to satisfy your wishes4 ,i am one of the administrators of the house1 ,i will give you a collation with them4 ,i did not let him rest until he had fulfilled his promise4 ,in entering the saloon1 which contained these beauties ,i so much sighed to see1 ,i felt a trembling of love which ,i had never before experienced4 ,m4 le ,blond presented to me one after the other1 these celebrated female singers1 of whom the names and voices were all with which ,i was acquainted4 ,come1 ,sophia1--she was horrid4 ,come1 ,cattina1--she had but one eye4 ,come1 ,bettina1--the small-pox had entirely disfigured her4 ,scarcely one of them was without some striking defect4 ,le ,blond laughed at my surprise2 however1 two or three of them appeared tolerable2 these never sung but in the choruses2 ,i was almost in despair4 ,during the collation we endeavored to excite them1 and they soon became enlivened2 ugliness does not exclude the graces1 and ,i found they possessed them4 ,i said to myself1 they cannot sing in this manner without intelligence and sensibility1 they must have both2 in fine1 my manner of seeing them changed to such a degree that ,i left the house almost in love with each of these ugly faces4 ,i had scarcely courage enough to return to vespers4 ,but after having seen the girls1 the danger was lessened4 ,i still found their singing delightful2 and their voices so much embellished their persons that1 in spite of my eyes1 ,i obstinately continued to think them beautiful4 ,music in ,italy is accompanied with so trifling an expense1 that it is not worth while for such as have a taste for it to deny themselves the pleasure it affords4 ,i hired a harpsichord1 and1 for half a crown1 ,i had at my apartment four or five symphonists1 with whom ,i practised once a week in executing such airs1 etc41 as had given me most pleasure at the opera4 ,i also had some symphonies performed from my ',muses ,galantes'4 ,whether these pleased the performers1 or the ballet-master of ,st4 ,john ,chrysostom wished to flatter me1 he desired to have two of them2 and ,i had afterwards the pleasure of hearing these executed by that admirable orchestra4 ,they were danced to by a little ,bettina1 pretty and amiable1 and kept by a ,spaniard1 ,m4 ,fagoaga1 a friend of ours with whom we often went to spend the evening4 ,but apropos of girls of easy virtue3 it is not in ,venice that a man abstains from them4 ,have you nothing to confess1 somebody will ask me1 upon this subject8 ,yes3 ,i have something to say upon it1 and ,i will proceed to the confession with the same ingenuousness with which ,i have made my former ones4 ,i always had a disinclination to girls of pleasure1 but at ,venice those were all ,i had within my reach2 most of the houses being shut against me on account of my place4 ,the daughters of ,m4 le ,blond were very amiable1 but difficult of access2 and ,i had too much respect for the father and mother ever once to have the least desire for them4 ,i should have had a much stronger inclination to a young lady named ,mademoiselle de ,cataneo1 daughter to the agent from the ,king of ,prussia1 but ,carrio was in love with her3 there was even between them some question of marriage4 ,he was in easy circumstances1 and ,i had no fortune3 his salary was a hundred louis 7guineas7 a year1 and mine amounted to no more than a thousand livres 7about forty pounds sterling7 and1 besides my being unwilling to oppose a friend1 ,i knew that in all places1 and especially at ,venice1 with a purse so ill furnished as mine was1 gallantry was out of the question4 ,i had not lost the pernicious custom of deceiving my wants4 ,too busily employed forcibly to feel those proceeding from the climate1 ,i lived upwards of a year in that city as chastely as ,i had done in ,paris1 and at the end of eighteen months ,i quitted it without having approached the sex1 except twice by means of the singular opportunities of which ,i am going to speak4 ,the first was procured me by that honest gentleman1 ,vitali1 some time after the formal apology ,i obliged him to make me4 ,the conversation at the table turned on the amusements of ,venice4 ,these gentlemen reproached me with my indifference with regard to the most delightful of them all2 at the same time extolling the gracefulness and elegant manners of the women of easy virtue of ,venice2 and adding that they were superior to all others of the same description in any other part of the world4 ,dominic said ,i must make the acquaintance of the most amiable of them all2 and he offered to take me to her apartments1 and assured me ,i should be pleased with her4 ,i laughed at this obliging offer3 and ,count ,piati1 a man in years and venerable1 observed to me1 with more candor than ,i should have expected from an ,italian1 that he thought me too prudent to suffer myself to be taken to such a place by my enemy4 ,in fact ,i had no inclination to do it3 but notwithstanding this1 by an incoherence ,i cannot myself comprehend1 ,i at length was prevailed upon to go1 contrary to my inclination1 the sentiment of my heart1 my reason1 and even my will2 solely from weakness1 and being ashamed to show an appearance to the least mistrust2 and besides1 as the expression of the country is1 'per non parer troppo cogliono'--,not to appear too great a blockhead4--,the ',padoana' whom we went to visit was pretty1 she was even handsome1 but her beauty was not of that kind that pleased me4 ,dominic left me with her1 ,i sent for ,sorbetti1 and asked her to sing4 ,in about half an hour ,i wished to take my leave1 after having put a ducat on the table1 but this by a singular scruple she refused until she had deserved it1 and ,i from as singular a folly consented to remove her doubts4 ,i returned to the palace so fully persuaded that ,i should feel the consequences of this step1 that the first thing ,i did was to send for the king's surgeon to ask him for ptisans4 ,nothing can equal the uneasiness of mind ,i suffered for three weeks1 without its being justified by any real inconvenience or apparent sign4 ,i could not believe it was possible to withdraw with impunity from the arms of the 'padoana'4 ,the surgeon himself had the greatest difficulty in removing my apprehensions2 nor could he do this by any other means than by persuading me ,i was formed in such a manner as not to be easily infected3 and although in the experiment ,i exposed myself less than any other man would have done1 my health in that respect never having suffered the least inconvenience1 in my opinion a proof the surgeon was right4 ,however1 this has never made me imprudent1 and if in fact ,i have received such an advantage from nature ,i can safely assert ,i have never abused it4 ,my second adventure1 although likewise with a common girl1 was of a nature very different1 as well in its origin as in its effects2 ,i have already said that ,captain ,olivet gave me a dinner on board his vessel1 and that ,i took with me the secretary of the ,spanish embassy4 ,i expected a salute of cannon4 ,the ship's company was drawn up to receive us1 but not so much as a priming was burnt1 at which ,i was mortified1 on account of ,carrio1 whom ,i perceived to be rather piqued at the neglect4 ,a salute of cannon was given on board merchant-ships to people of less consequence than we were2 ,i besides thought ,i deserved some distinguished mark of respect from the captain4 ,i could not conceal my thoughts1 because this at all times was impossible to me1 and although the dinner was a very good one1 and ,olivet did the honors of it perfectly well1 ,i began it in an ill humor1 eating but little1 and speaking still less4 ,at the first health1 at least1 ,i expected a volley2 nothing4 ,carrio1 who read what passed within1 me1 laughed at hearing me grumble like a child4 ,before dinner was half over ,i saw a gondola approach the vessel4 ,bless me1 sir1 said the captain1 take care of yourself1 the enemy approaches4 ,i asked him what he meant1 and he answered jocosely4 ,the gondola made the ship's side1 and ,i observed a gay young damsel come on board very lightly1 and coquettishly dressed1 and who at three steps was in the cabin1 seated by my side1 before ,i had time to perceive a cover was laid for her4 ,she was equally charming and lively1 a brunette1 not more than twenty years of age4 ,she spoke nothing but ,italian1 and her accent alone was sufficient to turn my head4 ,as she ate and chattered she cast her eyes upon me2 steadfastly looked at me for a moment1 and then exclaimed1 ,good ,virgin6 ,ah1 my dear ,bremond1 what an age it is since ,i saw thee6 ,then she threw herself into my arms1 sealed her lips to mine1 and pressed me almost to strangling4 ,her large black eyes1 like those of the beauties of the ,east1 darted fiery shafts into my heart1 and although the surprise at first stupefied my senses1 voluptuousness made a rapid progress within1 and this to such a degree that the beautiful seducer herself was1 notwithstanding the spectators1 obliged to restrain my ardor1 for ,i was intoxicated1 or rather become furious4 ,when she perceived she had made the impression she desired1 she became more moderate in her caresses1 but not in her vivacity1 and when she thought proper to explain to us the real or false cause of all her petulance1 she said ,i resembled ,m4 de ,bremond1 director of the customs of ,tuscany1 to such a degree as to be mistaken for him2 that she had turned this ,m4 de ,bremond's head1 and would do it again2 that she had quitted him because he was a fool2 that she took me in his place2 that she would love me because it pleased her so to do1 for which reason ,i must love her as long as it was agreeable to her1 and when she thought proper to send me about my business1 ,i must be patient as her dear ,bremond had been4 ,what was said was done4 ,she took possession of me as of a man that belonged to her1 gave me her gloves to keep1 her fan1 her 'cinda'1 and her coif1 and ordered me to go here or there1 to do this or that1 and ,i instantly obeyed her4 ,she told me to go and send away her gondola1 because she chose to make use of mine1 and ,i immediately sent it away2 she bid me to move from my place1 and pray ,carrio to sit down in it1 because she had something to say to him2 and ,i did as she desired4 ,they chatted a good while together1 but spoke low1 and ,i did not interrupt them4 ,she called me1 and ,i approached her4 ,hark thee1 ,zanetto1 said she to me1 ,i will not be loved in the ,french manner2 this indeed will not be well4 ,in the first moment of lassitude1 get thee gone3 but stay not by the way1 ,i caution thee4 ,after dinner we went to see the glass manufactory at ,murano4 ,she bought a great number of little curiosities2 for which she left me to pay without the least ceremony4 ,but she everywhere gave away little trinkets to a much greater amount than of the things we had purchased4 ,by the indifference with which she threw away her money1 ,i perceived she annexed to it but little value4 ,when she insisted upon a payment1 ,i am of opinion it was more from a motive of vanity than avarice4 ,she was flattered by the price her admirers set upon her favors4 ,in the evening we conducted her to her apartments4 ,as we conversed together1 ,i perceived a couple of pistols upon her toilette4 ,ah6 ,ah6 said ,i1 taking one of them up1 this is a patchbox of a new construction3 may ,i ask what is its use8 ,i know you have other arms which give more fire than those upon your table4 ,after a few pleasantries of the same kind1 she said to us1 with an ingenuousness which rendered her still more charming1 ,when ,i am complaisant to persons whom ,i do not love1 ,i make them pay for the weariness they cause me2 nothing can be more just2 but if ,i suffer their caresses1 ,i will not bear their insults2 nor miss the first who shall be wanting to me in respect4 ,at taking leave of her1 ,i made another appointment for the next day4 ,i did not make her wait4 ,i found her in 'vestito di confidenza'1 in an undress more than wanton1 unknown to northern countries1 and which ,i will not amuse myself in describing1 although ,i recollect it perfectly well4 ,i shall only remark that her ruffles and collar were edged with silk network ornamented with rose-colored pompons4 ,this1 in my eyes1 much enlivened a beautiful complexion4 ,i afterwards found it to be the mode at ,venice1 and the effect is so charming that ,i am surprised it has never been introduced in ,france4 ,i had no idea of the transports which awaited me4 ,i have spoken of ,madam de ,larnage with the transport which the remembrance of her still sometimes gives me2 but how old1 ugly and cold she appeared1 compared with my ,zulietta6 ,do not attempt to form to yourself an idea of the charms and graces of this enchanting girl1 you will be far too short of truth4 ,young virgins in cloisters are not so fresh3 the beauties of the seraglio are less animated3 the houris of paradise less engaging4 ,never was so sweet an enjoyment offered to the heart and senses of a mortal4 ,ah6 had ,i at least been capable of fully tasting of it for a single moment6 ,i had tasted of it1 but without a charm4 ,i enfeebled all its delights3 ,i destroyed them as at will4 ,no2 ,nature has not made me capable of enjoyment4 ,she has infused into my wretched head the poison of that ineffable happiness1 the desire of which she first placed in my heart4 ,if there be a circumstance in my life1 which describes my nature1 it is that which ,i am going to relate4 ,the forcible manner in which ,i at this moment recollect the object of my book1 will here make me hold in contempt the false delicacy which would prevent me from fulfilling it4 ,whoever you may be who are desirous of knowing a man1 have the courage to read the two or three following pages1 and you will become fully acquainted with ,j4 ,j4 ,rousseau4 ,i entered the chamber of a woman of easy virtue1 as the sanctuary of love and beauty3 and in her person1 ,i thought ,i saw the divinity4 ,i should have been inclined to think that without respect and esteem it was impossible to feel anything like that which she made me experience4 ,scarcely had ,i1 in her first familiarities1 discovered the force of her charms and caresses1 before ,i wished1 for fear of losing the fruit of them1 to gather it beforehand4 ,suddenly1 instead of the flame which consumed me1 ,i felt a mortal cold run through all my veins2 my legs failed me2 and ready to faint away1 ,i sat down and wept like a child4 ,who would guess the cause of my tears1 and what1 at this moment1 passed within me8 ,i said to myself3 the object in my power is the masterpiece of love2 her wit and person equally approach perfection2 she is as good and generous as she is amiable and beautiful4 ,yet she is a miserable prostitute1 abandoned to the public4 ,the captain of a merchantship disposed of her at will2 she has thrown herself into my arms1 although she knows ,i have nothing2 and my merit with which she cannot be acquainted1 can be to her no inducement4 ,in this there is something inconceivable4 ,either my heart deceives me1 fascinates my senses1 and makes me the dupe of an unworthy slut1 or some secret defect1 of which ,i am ignorant1 destroys the effect of her charms1 and renders her odious in the eyes of those by whom her charms would otherwise be disputed4 ,i endeavored1 by an extraordinary effort of mind1 to discover this defect1 but it did not so much as strike me that even the consequences to be apprehended1 might possibly have some influence4 ,the clearness of her skin1 the brilliancy of her complexion1 her white teeth1 sweet breath1 and the appearance of neatness about her person1 so far removed from me this idea1 that1 still in doubt relative to my situation after the affair of the 'padoana'1 ,i rather apprehended ,i was not sufficiently in health for her3 and ,i am firmly persuaded ,i was not deceived in my opinion4 ,these reflections1 so apropos1 agitated me to such a degree as to make me shed tears4 ,zuliette1 to whom the scene was quite novel1 was struck speechless for a moment4 ,but having made a turn in her chamber1 and passing before her glass1 she comprehended1 and my eyes confirmed her opinion1 that disgust had no part in what had happened4 ,it was not difficult for her to recover me and dispel this shamefacedness4 ,but1 at the moment in which ,i was ready to faint upon a bosom1 which for the first time seemed to suffer the impression of the hand and lips of a man1 ,i perceived she had a withered 'teton'4 ,i struck my forehead3 ,i examined1 and thought ,i perceived this teton was not formed like the other4 ,i immediately began to consider how it was possible to have such a defect1 and persuaded of its proceeding from some great natural vice1 ,i was clearly convinced1 that1 instead of the most charming person of whom ,i could form to myself an idea1 ,i had in my arms a species of a monster1 the refuse of nature1 of men and of love4 ,i carried my stupidity so far as to speak to her of the discovery ,i had made4 ,she1 at first1 took what ,i said jocosely2 and in her frolicsome humor1 did and said things which made me die of love4 ,but perceiving an inquietude ,i could not conceal1 she at length reddened1 adjusted her dress1 raised herself up1 and without saying a word1 went and placed herself at a window4 ,i attempted to place myself by her side3 she withdrew to a sofa1 rose from it the next moment1 and fanning herself as she walked about the chamber1 said to me in a reserved and disdainful tone of voice1 ,zanetto1 'lascia le donne1 a studia la matematica4--,leave women and study mathematics4 ,before ,i took leave ,i requested her to appoint another rendezvous for the next day1 which she postponed for three days1 adding1 with a satirical smile1 that ,i must needs be in want of repose4 ,i was very ill at ease during the interval2 my heart was full of her charms and graces2 ,i felt my extravagance1 and reproached myself with it1 regretting the loss of the moments ,i had so ill employed1 and which1 had ,i chosen1 ,i might have rendered more agreeable than any in my whole life2 waiting with the most burning impatience for the moment in which ,i might repair the loss1 and yet1 notwithstanding all my reasoning upon what ,i had discovered1 anxious to reconcile the perfections of this adorable girl with the indignity of her situation4 ,i ran1 ,i flew to her apartment at the hour appointed4 ,i know not whether or not her ardor would have been more satisfied with this visit1 her pride at least would have been flattered by it1 and ,i already rejoiced at the idea of my convincing her1 in every respect1 that ,i knew how to repair the wrongs ,i had done4 ,she spared me this justification4 ,the gondolier whom ,i had sent to her apartment brought me for answer that she had set off1 the evening before1 for ,florence4 ,if ,i had not felt all the love ,i had for her person when this was in my possession1 ,i felt it in the most cruel manner on losing her4 ,amiable and charming as she was in my eyes1 ,i could not console myself for the loss of her2 but this ,i have never been able to do relative to the contemptuous idea which at her departure she must have had of me4 ,these are my two narratives4 ,the eighteen months ,i passed at ,venice furnished me with no other of the same kind1 except a simple prospect at most4 ,carrio was a gallant4 ,tired of visiting girls engaged to others1 he took a fancy to have one to himself1 and1 as we were inseparable1 he proposed to me an arrangement common enough at ,venice1 which was to keep one girl for us both4 ,to this ,i consented4 ,the question was1 to find one who was safe4 ,he was so industrious in his researches that he found out a little girl from eleven to twelve years of age1 whom her infamous mother was endeavoring to sell1 and ,i went with ,carrio to see her4 ,the sight of the child moved me to the most lively compassion4 ,she was fair and as gentle as a lamb4 ,nobody would have taken her for an ,italian4 ,living is very cheap in ,venice2 we gave a little money to the mother1 and provided for the subsistence of her daughter4 ,she had a voice1 and to procure her some resource we gave her a spinnet1 and a singing-master4 ,all these expenses did not cost each of us more than two sequins a month1 and we contrived to save a much greater sum in other matters2 but as we were obliged to wait until she became of a riper age1 this was sowing a long time before we could possibly reap4 ,however1 satisfied with passing our evenings1 chatting and innocently playing with the child1 we perhaps enjoyed greater pleasure than if we had received the last favors4 ,so true is it that men are more attached to women by a certain pleasure they have in living with them1 than by any kind of libertinism4 ,my heart became insensibly attached to the little ,anzoletta1 but my attachment was paternal1 in which the senses had so little share1 that in proportion as the former increased1 to have connected it with the latter would have been less possible2 and ,i felt ,i should have experienced1 at approaching this little creature when become nubile1 the same horror with which the abominable crime of incest would have inspired me4 ,i perceived the sentiments of ,carrio take1 unobserved by himself1 exactly the same turn4 ,we thus prepared for ourselves1 without intending it1 pleasure not less delicious1 but very different from that of which we first had an idea2 and ,i am fully persuaded that however beautiful the poor child might have become1 far from being the corrupters of her innocence we should have been the protectors of it4 ,the circumstance which shortly afterwards befell me deprived me of the happiness of taking a part in this good work1 and my only merit in the affair was the inclination of my heart4 ,i will now return to my journey4 ,my first intentions after leaving ,m4 de ,montaigu1 was to retire to ,geneva1 until time and more favorable circumstances should have removed the obstacles which prevented my union with my poor mamma2 but the quarrel between me and ,m4 de ,montaigu being become public1 and he having had the folly to write about it to the court1 ,i resolved to go there to give an account of my conduct and complain of that of a madman4 ,i communicated my intention1 from ,venice1 to ,m4 du ,theil1 charged per interim with foreign affairs after the death of ,m4 ,amelot4 ,i set off as soon as my letter1 and took my route through ,bergamo1 ,como1 and ,domo ,d',oscela1 and crossing ,saint ,plomb4 ,at ,sion1 ,m4 de ,chaignon1 charge des affaires from ,france1 showed me great civility2 at ,geneva ,m4 de la ,closure treated me with the same polite attention4 ,i there renewed my acquaintance with ,m4 de ,gauffecourt1 from whom ,i had some money to receive4 ,i had passed through ,nion without going to see my father3 not that this was a matter of indifference to me1 but because ,i was unwilling to appear before my mother-in-law1 after the disaster which had befallen me1 certain of being condemned by her without being heard4 ,the bookseller1 ,du ,villard1 an old friend of my father's1 reproached me severely with this neglect4 ,i gave him my reasons for it1 and to repair my fault1 without exposing myself to meet my mother-in-law1 ,i took a chaise and we went together to ,nion and stopped at a public house4 ,du ,villard went to fetch my father1 who came running to embrace me4 ,we supped together1 and1 after passing an evening very agreeable to the wishes of my heart1 ,i returned the next morning to ,geneva with ,du ,villard1 for whom ,i have ever since retained a sentiment of gratitude in return for the service he did me on this occasion4 ,lyons was a little out of my direct road1 but ,i was determined to pass through that city in order to convince myself of a knavish trick played me by ,m4 de ,montaigu4 ,i had sent me from ,paris a little box containing a waistcoat1 embroidered with gold1 a few pairs of ruffles1 and six pairs of white silk stockings2 nothing more4 ,upon a proposition made me by ,m4 de ,montaigu1 ,i ordered this box to be added to his baggage4 ,in the apothecary's bill he offered me in payment of my salary1 and which he wrote out himself1 he stated the weight of this box1 which he called a bale1 at eleven hundred pounds1 and charged me with the carriage of it at an enormous rate4 ,by the cares of ,m4 ,boy de la ,tour1 to whom ,i was recommended by ,m4 ,roquin1 his uncle1 it was proved from the registers of the customs of ,lyons and ,marseilles1 that the said bale weighed no more than forty-five pounds1 and had paid carriage according to that weight4 ,i joined this authentic extract to the memoir of ,m1 de ,montaigu1 and provided with these papers and others containing stronger facts1 ,i returned to ,paris1 very impatient to make use of them4 ,during the whole of this long journey ,i had little adventures2 at ,como1 in ,valais1 and elsewhere4 ,i there saw many curious things1 amongst others the ,boroma islands1 which are worthy of being described4 ,but ,i am pressed by time1 and surrounded by spies4 ,i am obliged to write in haste1 and very imperfectly1 a work which requires the leisure and tranquility ,i do not enjoy4 ,if ever providence in its goodness grants me days more calm1 ,i shall destine them to new modelling this work1 should ,i be able to do it1 or at least to giving a supplement1 of which ,i perceive it stands in the greatest need4--,i have given up this project4 ,the news of my quarrel had reached ,paris before me and on my arrival ,i found the people in all the offices1 and the public in general1 scandalized at the follies of the ambassador4 ,notwithstanding this1 the public talk at ,venice1 and the unanswerable proof ,i exhibited1 ,i could not obtain even the shadow of justice4 ,far from obtaining satisfaction or reparation1 ,i was left at the discretion of the ambassador for my salary1 and this for no other reason than because1 not being a ,frenchman1 ,i had no right to national protection1 and that it was a private affair between him and myself4 ,everybody agreed ,i was insulted1 injured1 and unfortunate2 that the ambassador was mad1 cruel1 and iniquitous1 and that the whole of the affair dishonored him forever4 ,but what of this6 ,he was the ambassador1 and ,i was nothing more than the secretary4 ,order1 or that which is so called1 was in opposition to my obtaining justice1 and of this the least shadow was not granted me4 ,i supposed that1 by loudly complaining1 and by publicly treating this madman in the manner he deserved1 ,i should at length be told to hold my tongue2 this was what ,i wished for1 and ,i was fully determined not to obey until ,i had obtained redress4 ,but at that time there was no minister for foreign affairs4 ,i was suffered to exclaim1 nay1 even encouraged to do it1 and joined with2 but the affair still remained in the same state1 until1 tired of being in the right without obtaining justice1 my courage at length failed me1 and let the whole drop4 ,the only person by whom ,i was ill received1 and from whom ,i should have least expected such an injustice1 was ,madam de ,beuzenval4 ,full of the prerogatives of rank and nobility1 she could not conceive it was possible an ambassador could ever be in the wrong with respect to his secretary4 ,the reception she gave me was conformable to this prejudice4 ,i was so piqued at it that1 immediately after leaving her1 ,i wrote her perhaps one of the strongest and most violent letters that ever came from my pen1 and since that time ,i never once returned to her house4 ,i was better received by ,father ,castel2 but1 in the midst of his ,jesuitical wheedling ,i perceived him faithfully to follow one of the great maxims of his society1 which is to sacrifice the weak to the powerful4 ,the strong conviction ,i felt of the justice of my cause1 and my natural greatness of mind did not suffer me patiently to endure this partiality4 ,i ceased visiting ,father ,castel1 and on that account1 going to the college of the ,jesuits1 where ,i knew nobody but himself4 ,besides the intriguing and tyrannical spirit of his brethren1 so different from the cordiality of the good ,father ,hemet1 gave me such a disgust for their conversation that ,i have never since been acquainted with1 nor seen anyone of them except ,father ,berthier1 whom ,i saw twice or thrice at ,m4 ,dupin's1 in conjunction with whom he labored with all his might at the refutation of ,montesquieu4 ,that ,i may not return to the subject1 ,i will conclude what ,i have to say of ,m4 de ,montaigu4 ,i had told him in our quarrels that a secretary was not what he wanted1 but an attorney's clerk4 ,he took the hint1 and the person whom he procured to succeed me was a real attorney1 who in less than a year robbed him of twenty or thirty thousand livres4 ,he discharged him1 and sent him to prison1 dismissed his gentleman with disgrace1 and1 in wretchedness1 got himself everywhere into quarrels1 received affronts which a footman would not have put up with1 and1 after numerous follies1 was recalled1 and sent from the capital4 ,it is very probable that among the reprimands he received at court1 his affair with me was not forgotten4 ,at least1 a little time after his return he sent his maitre d' hotel1 to settle my account1 and give me some money4 ,i was in want of it at that moment2 my debts at ,venice1 debts of honor1 if ever there were any1 lay heavy upon my mind4 ,i made use of the means which offered to discharge them1 as well as the note of ,zanetto ,nani4 ,i received what was offered me1 paid all my debts1 and remained as before1 without a farthing in my pocket1 but relieved from a weight which had become insupportable4 ,from that time ,i never heard speak of ,m4 de ,montaigu until his death1 with which ,i became acquainted by means of the ,gazette4 ,the peace of ,god be with that poor man6 ,he was as fit for the functions of an ambassador as in my infancy ,i had been for those of ,grapignan4--,however1 it was in his power to have honorably supported himself by my services1 and rapidly to have advanced me in a career to which the ,comte de ,gauvon had destined me in my youth1 and of the functions of which ,i had in a more advanced age rendered myself capable4 ,the justice and inutility of my complaints1 left in my mind seeds of indignation against our foolish civil institutions1 by which the welfare of the public and real justice are always sacrificed to ,i know not what appearance of order1 and which does nothing more than add the sanction of public authority to the oppression of the weak1 and the iniquity of the powerful4 ,two things prevented these seeds from putting forth at that time as they afterwards did3 one was1 myself being in question in the affair1 and private interest1 whence nothing great or noble ever proceeded1 could not draw from my heart the divine soarings1 which the most pure love1 only of that which is just and sublime1 can produce4 ,the other was the charm of friendship which tempered and calmed my wrath by the ascendancy of a more pleasing sentiment4 ,i had become acquainted at ,venice with a ,biscayan1 a friend of my friend ,carrio's1 and worthy of being that of every honest man4 ,this amiable young man1 born with every talent and virtue1 had just made the tour of ,italy to gain a taste for the fine arts1 and1 imagining he had nothing more to acquire1 intended to return by the most direct road to his own country4 ,i told him the arts were nothing more than a relaxation to a genius like his1 fit to cultivate the sciences2 and to give him a taste for these1 ,i advised him to make a journey to ,paris and reside there for six months4 ,he took my advice1 and went to ,paris4 ,he was there and expected me when ,i arrived4 ,his lodging was too considerable for him1 and he offered me the half of it1 which ,i instantly accepted4 ,i found him absorbed in the study of the sublimest sciences4 ,nothing was above his reach4 ,he digested everything with a prodigious rapidity4 ,how cordially did he thank me for having procured him this food for his mind1 which was tormented by a thirst after knowledge1 without his being aware of it6 ,what a treasure of light and virtue ,i found in the vigorous mind of this young man6 ,i felt he was the friend ,i wanted4 ,we soon became intimate4 ,our tastes were not the same1 and we constantly disputed4 ,both opinionated1 we never could agree about anything4 ,nevertheless we could not separate2 and1 notwithstanding our reciprocal and incessant contradiction1 we neither of us wished the other to be different from what he was4 ,ignacio ,emanuel de ,altuna was one of those rare beings whom only ,spain produces1 and of whom she produces too few for her glory4 ,he had not the violent national passions common in his own country4 ,the idea of vengeance could no more enter his head1 than the desire of it could proceed from his heart4 ,his mind was too great to be vindictive1 and ,i have frequently heard him say1 with the greatest coolness1 that no mortal could offend him4 ,he was gallant1 without being tender4 ,he played with women as with so many pretty children4 ,he amused himself with the mistresses of his friends1 but ,i never knew him to have one of his own1 nor the least desire for it4 ,the emanations from the virtue with which his heart was stored1 never permitted the fire of the passions to excite sensual desires4 ,after his travels he married1 died young1 and left children2 and1 ,i am as convinced as of my existence1 that his wife was the first and only woman with whom he ever tasted of the pleasures of love4 ,externally he was devout1 like a ,spaniard1 but in his heart he had the piety of an angel4 ,except myself1 he is the only man ,i ever saw whose principles were not intolerant4 ,he never in his life asked any person his opinion in matters of religion4 ,it was not of the least consequence to him whether his friend was a ,jew1 a ,protestant1 a ,turk1 a ,bigot1 or an ,atheist1 provided he was an honest man4 ,obstinate and headstrong in matters of indifference1 but the moment religion was in question1 even the moral part1 he collected himself1 was silent1 or simply said3 ,i am charged with the care of myself1 only4 ,it is astonishing so much elevation of mind should be compatible with a spirit of detail carried to minuteness4 ,he previously divided the employment of the day by hours1 quarters and minutes2 and so scrupulously adhered to this distribution1 that had the clock struck while he was reading a phrase1 he would have shut his book without finishing it4 ,his portions of time thus laid out1 were some of them set apart to studies of one kind1 and others to those of another3 he had some for reflection1 conversation1 divine service1 the reading of ,locke1 for his rosary1 for visits1 music and painting2 and neither pleasure1 temptation1 nor complaisance1 could interrupt this order3 a duty he might have had to discharge was the only thing that could have done it4 ,when he gave me a list of his distribution1 that ,i might conform myself thereto1 ,i first laughed1 and then shed tears of admiration4 ,he never constrained anybody nor suffered constraint3 he was rather rough with people1 who from politeness1 attempted to put it upon him4 ,he was passionate without being sullen4 ,i have often seen him warm1 but never saw him really angry with any person4 ,nothing could be more cheerful than his temper3 he knew how to pass and receive a joke2 raillery was one of his distinguished talents1 and with which he possessed that of pointed wit and repartee4 ,when he was animated1 he was noisy and heard at a great distance2 but whilst he loudly inveighed1 a smile was spread over his countenance1 and in the midst of his warmth he used some diverting expression which made all his hearers break out into a loud laugh4 ,he had no more of the ,spanish complexion than of the phlegm of that country4 ,his skin was white1 his cheeks finely colored1 and his hair of a light chestnut4 ,he was tall and well made2 his body was well formed for the residence of his mind4 ,this wise-hearted as well as wise-headed man1 knew mankind1 and was my friend2 this was my only answer to such as are not so4 ,we were so intimately united1 that our intention was to pass our days together4 ,in a few years ,i was to go to ,ascoytia to live with him at his estate2 every part of the project was arranged the eve of his departure2 nothing was left undetermined1 except that which depends not upon men in the best concerted plans1 posterior events4 ,my disasters1 his marriage1 and finally1 his death1 separated us forever4 ,some men would be tempted to say1 that nothing succeeds except the dark conspiracies of the wicked1 and that the innocent intentions of the good are seldom or never accomplished4 ,i had felt the inconvenience of dependence1 and took a resolution never again to expose myself to it2 having seen the projects of ambition1 which circumstances had induced me to form1 overturned in their birth4 ,discouraged in the career ,i had so well begun1 from which1 however1 ,i had just been expelled1 ,i resolved never more to attach myself to any person1 but to remain in an independent state1 turning my talents to the best advantage3 of these ,i at length began to feel the extent1 and that ,i had hitherto had too modest an opinion of them4 ,i again took up my opera1 which ,i had laid aside to go to ,venice2 and that ,i might be less interrupted after the departure of ,altuna1 ,i returned to my old hotel ,st4 ,quentin2 which1 in a solitary part of the town1 and not far from the ,luxembourg1 was more proper for my purpose than noisy ,rue ,st4 ,honor4 ,there the only consolation which ,heaven suffered me to taste in my misery1 and the only one which rendered it supportable1 awaited me4 ,this was not a trancient acquaintance2 ,i must enter into some detail relative to the manner in which it was made4 ,we had a new landlady from ,orleans2 she took for a needlewoman a girl from her own country1 of between twenty-two and twenty-three years of age1 and who1 as well as the hostess1 ate at our table4 ,this girl1 named ,theresa le ,vasseur1 was of a good family2 her father was an officer in the mint of ,orleans1 and her mother a shopkeeper2 they had many children4 ,the function of the mint of ,orleans being suppressed1 the father found himself without employment2 and the mother having suffered losses1 was reduced to narrow circumstances4 ,she quitted her business and came to ,paris with her husband and daughter1 who1 by her industry1 maintained all the three4 ,the first time ,i saw this girl at table1 ,i was struck with her modesty2 and still more so with her lively yet charming look1 which1 with respect to the impression it made upon me1 was never equalled4 ,beside ,m4 de ,bonnefond1 the company was composed of several ,irish priests1 ,gascons and others of much the same description4 ,our hostess herself had not made the best possible use of her time1 and ,i was the only person at the table who spoke and behaved with decency4 ,allurements were thrown out to the young girl4 ,i took her part1 and the joke was then turned against me4 ,had ,i had no natural inclination to the poor girl1 compassion and contradiction would have produced it in me3 ,i was always a great friend to decency in manners and conversation1 especially in the fair sex4 ,i openly declared myself her champion1 and perceived she was not insensible of my attention2 her looks1 animated by the gratitude she dared not express by words1 were for this reason still more penetrating4 ,she was very timid1 and ,i was as much so as herself4 ,the connection which this disposition common to both seemed to remove to a distance1 was however rapidly formed4 ,our landlady perceiving its progress1 became furious1 and her brutality forwarded my affair with the young girl1 who1 having no person in the house except myself to give her the least support1 was sorry to see me go from home1 and sighed for the return of her protector4 ,the affinity our hearts bore to each other1 and the similarity of our dispositions1 had soon their ordinary effect4 ,she thought she saw in me an honest man1 and in this she was not deceived4 ,i thought ,i perceived in her a woman of great sensibility1 simple in her manners1 and devoid of all coquetry3--,i was no more deceived in her than she in me4 ,i began by declaring to her that ,i would never either abandon or marry her4 ,love1 esteem1 artless sincerity were the ministers of my triumph1 and it was because her heart was tender and virtuous1 that ,i was happy without being presuming4 ,the apprehensions she was under of my not finding in her that for which ,i sought1 retarded my happiness more than every other circumstance4 ,i perceived her disconcerted and confused before she yielded her consent1 wishing to be understood and not daring to explain herself4 ,far from suspecting the real cause of her embarrassment1 ,i falsely imagined it to proceed from another motive1 a supposition highly insulting to her morals1 and thinking she gave me to understand my health might be exposed to danger1 ,i fell into so perplexed a state that1 although it was no restraint upon me1 it poisoned my happiness during several days4 ,as we did not understand each other1 our conversations upon this subject were so many enigmas more than ridiculous4 ,she was upon the point of believing ,i was absolutely mad2 and ,i on my part was as near not knowing what else to think of her4 ,at last we came to an explanation2 she confessed to me with tears the only fault of the kind of her whole life1 immediately after she became nubile2 the fruit of her ignorance and the address of her seducer4 ,the moment ,i comprehended what she meant1 ,i gave a shout of joy4 ,a ,hymen6 exclaimed ,i2 sought for at ,paris1 and at twenty years of age6 ,ah my ,theresa6 ,i am happy in possessing thee1 virtuous and healthy as thou art1 and in not finding that for which ,i never sought4 ,at first amusement was my only object2 ,i perceived ,i had gone further and had given myself a companion4 ,a little intimate connection with this excellent girl1 and a few reflections upon my situation1 made me discover that1 while thinking of nothing more than my pleasures1 ,i had done a great deal towards my happiness4 ,in the place of extinguished ambition1 a life of sentiment1 which had entire possession of my heart1 was necessary to me4 ,in a word1 ,i wanted a successor to mamma3 since ,i was never again to live with her1 it was necessary some person should live with her pupil1 and a person1 too1 in whom ,i might find that simplicity and docility of mind and heart which she had found in me4 ,it was1 moreover1 necessary that the happiness of domestic life should indemnify me for the splendid career ,i had just renounced4 ,when ,i was quite alone there was a void in my heart1 which wanted nothing more than another heart to fill it up4 ,fate had deprived me of this1 or at least in part alienated me from that for which by nature ,i was formed4 ,from that moment ,i was alone1 for there never was for me the least thing intermediate between everything and nothing4 ,i found in ,theresa the supplement of which ,i stood in need2 by means of her ,i lived as happily as ,i possibly could do1 according to the course of events4 ,i at first attempted to improve her mind4 ,in this my pains were useless4 ,her mind is as nature formed it3 it was not susceptible of cultivation4 ,i do not blush in acknowledging she never knew how to read well1 although she writes tolerably4 ,when ,i went to lodge in the ,rue ,neuve des ,petits ,champs1 opposite to my windows at the ,hotel de ,ponchartrain1 there was a sun-dial1 on which for a whole month ,i used all my efforts to teach her to know the hours2 yet1 she scarcely knows them at present4 ,she never could enumerate the twelve months of the year in order1 and cannot distinguish one numeral from another1 notwithstanding all the trouble ,i took endeavoring to teach them to her4 ,she neither knows how to count money1 nor to reckon the price of anything4 ,the word which when she speaks1 presents itself to her mind1 is frequently opposite to that of which she means to make use4 ,i formerly made a dictionary of her phrases1 to amuse ,m4 de ,luxembourg1 and her 'qui pro quos' often became celebrated among those with whom ,i was most intimate4 ,but this person1 so confined in her intellects1 and1 if the world pleases1 so stupid1 can give excellent advice in cases of difficulty4 ,in ,switzerland1 in ,england and in ,france1 she frequently saw what ,i had not myself perceived2 she has often given me the best advice ,i could possibly follow2 she has rescued me from dangers into which ,i had blindly precipitated myself1 and in the presence of princes and the great1 her sentiments1 good sense1 answers1 and conduct have acquired her universal esteem1 and myself the most sincere congratulations on her merit4 ,with persons whom we love1 sentiment fortifies the mind as well as the heart2 and they who are thus attached1 have little need of searching for ideas elsewhere4 ,i lived with my ,theresa as agreeably as with the finest genius in the world4 ,her mother1 proud of having been brought up under the ,marchioness of ,monpipeau1 attempted to be witty1 wished to direct the judgment of her daughter1 and by her knavish cunning destroyed the simplicity of our intercourse4 ,the fatigue of this opportunity made me in some degree surmount the foolish shame which prevented me from appearing with ,theresa in public2 and we took short country walks1 tete-a-tete1 and partook of little collations1 which1 to me1 were delicious4 ,i perceived she loved me sincerely1 and this increased my tenderness4 ,this charming intimacy left me nothing to wish2 futurity no longer gave me the least concern1 or at most appeared only as the present moment prolonged3 ,i had no other desire than that of insuring its duration4 ,this attachment rendered all other dissipation superfluous and insipid to me4 ,as ,i only went out for the purpose of going to the apartment of ,theresa1 her place of residence almost became my own4 ,my retirement was so favorable to the work ,i had undertaken1 that1 in less than three months1 my opera was entirely finished1 both words and music1 except a few accompaniments1 and fillings up which still remained to be added4 ,this maneuvering business was very fatiguing to me4 ,i proposed it to ,philidor1 offering him at the same time a part of the profits4 ,he came twice1 and did something to the middle parts in the act of ,ovid2 but he could not confine himself to an assiduous application by the allurement of advantages which were distant and uncertain4 ,he did not come a third time1 and ,i finished the work myself4 ,my opera completed1 the next thing was to make something of it3 this was by much the more difficult task of the two4 ,a man living in solitude in ,paris will never succeed in anything4 ,i was on the point of making my way by means of ,m4 de la ,popliniere1 to whom ,gauffecourt1 at my return to ,geneva1 had introduced me4 ,m4 de la ,popliniere was the ,mecaenas of ,rameau2 ,madam de la ,popliniere his very humble scholar4 ,rameau was said to govern in that house4 ,judging that he would with pleasure protect the work of one of his disciples1 ,i wished to show him what ,i had done4 ,he refused to examine it2 saying he could not read score1 it was too fatiguing to him4 ,m4 de la ,popliniere1 to obviate this difficulty1 said he might hear it2 and offered me to send for musicians to execute certain detached pieces4 ,i wished for nothing better4 ,rameau consented with an ill grace1 incessantly repeating that the composition of a man not regularly bred to the science1 and who had learned music without a master1 must certainly be very fine6 ,i hastened to copy into parts five or six select passages4 ,ten symphonies were procured1 and ,albert1 ,berard1 and ,mademoiselle ,bourbonnais undertook the vocal part4 ,rameau1 the moment he heard the overture1 was purposely extravagant in his eulogium1 by which he intended it should be understood it could not be my composition4 ,he showed signs of impatience at every passage3 but after a counter tenor song1 the air of which was noble and harmonious1 with a brilliant accompaniment1 he could no longer contain himself2 he apostrophised me with a brutality at which everybody was shocked1 maintaining that a part of what he had heard was by a man experienced in the art1 and the rest by some ignorant person who did not so much as understand music4 ,it is true my composition1 unequal and without rule1 was sometimes sublime1 and at others insipid1 as that of a person who forms himself in an art by the soarings of his own genius1 unsupported by science1 must necessarily be4 ,rameau pretended to see nothing in me but a contemptible pilferer1 without talents or taste4 ,the rest of the company1 among whom ,i must distinguish the master of the house1 were of a different opinion4 ,m4 de ,richelieu1 who at that time frequently visited ,m4 and ,madam de la ,popliniere1 heard them speak of my work1 and wished to hear the whole of it1 with an intention1 if it pleased him1 to have it performed at court4 ,the opera was executed with full choruses1 and by a great orchestra1 at the expense of the king1 at ,m4 de ,bonneval's intendant of the ,menus2 ,francoeur directed the band4 ,the effect was surprising3 the duke never ceased to exclaim and applaud2 and1 at the end of one of the choruses1 in the act of ,tasso1 he arose and came to me1 and1 pressing my hand1 said3 ,m4 ,rousseau1 this is transporting harmony4 ,i never heard anything finer4 ,i will get this performed at ,versailles4 ,madam de la ,poliniere1 who was present1 said not a word4 ,rameau1 although invited1 refused to come4 ,the next day1 ,madam de la ,popliniere received me at her toilette very ungraciously1 affected to undervalue my piece1 and told me1 that although a little false glitter had at first dazzled ,m4 de ,richelieu1 he had recovered from his error1 and she advised me not to place the least dependence upon my opera4 ,the duke arrived soon after1 and spoke to me in quite a different language4 ,he said very flattering things of my talents1 and seemed as much disposed as ever to have my composition performed before the king4 ,there is nothing1 said he1 but the act of ,tasso which cannot pass at court3 you must write another4 ,upon this single word ,i shut myself up in my apartment2 and in three weeks produced1 in the place of ,tasso1 another act1 the subject of which was ,hesiod inspired by the muses4 ,in this ,i found the secret of introducing a part of the history of my talents1 and of the jealousy with which ,rameau had been pleased to honor me4 ,there was in the new act an elevation less gigantic and better supported than in the act of ,tasso4 ,the music was as noble and the composition better2 and had the other two acts been equal to this1 the whole piece would have supported a representation to advantage4 ,but whilst ,i was endeavoring to give it the last finishing1 another undertaking suspended the completion of that ,i had in my hand4 ,in the winter which succeeded the battle of ,fontenoi1 there were many galas at ,versailles1 and several operas performed at the theater of the little stables4 ,among the number of the latter was the dramatic piece of ,voltaire1 entitled ',la ,princesse de ,navarre'1 the music by ,rameau1 the name of which has just been changed to that of ',fetes de ,ramire'4 ,this new subject required several changes to be made in the divertissements1 as well in the poetry as in the music4 ,a person capable of both was now sought after4 ,voltaire was in ,lorraine1 and ,rameau also2 both of whom were employed on the opera of the ,temple of ,glory1 and could not give their attention to this4 ,m4 de ,richelieu thought of me1 and sent to desire ,i would undertake the alterations2 and1 that ,i might the better examine what there was to do1 he gave me separately the poem and the music4 ,in the first place1 ,i would not touch the words without the consent of the author1 to whom ,i wrote upon the subject a very polite and respectful letter1 such a one as was proper2 and received from him the following answer3 ,,sir3 ,in you two talents1 which hitherto have always been separated1 are united4 ,these are two good reasons for me to esteem and to endeavor to love you4 ,i am sorry1 on your account1 you should employ these talents in a work which is so little worthy of them4 ,a few months ago the ,duke de ,richelieu commanded me to make1 absolutely in the twinkling of an eye1 a little and bad sketch of a few insipid and imperfect scenes to be adapted to divertissements which are not of a nature to be joined with them4 ,i obeyed with the greatest exactness4 ,i wrote very fast1 and very ill4 ,i sent this wretched production to ,m4 de ,richelieu1 imagining he would make no use of it1 or that ,i should have it again to make the necessary corrections4 ,happily it is in your hands1 and you are at full liberty to do with it whatever you please3 ,i have entirely lost sight of the thing4 ,i doubt not but you will have corrected all the faults which cannot but abound in so hasty a composition of such a very simple sketch1 and am persuaded you will have supplied whatever was wanting4 ,i remember that1 among other stupid inattentions1 no account is given in the scenes which connect the divertissements of the manner in which the ,princess ,grenadine immediately passes from a prison to a garden or palace4 ,as it is not a magician but a ,spanish nobleman who gives her the gala1 ,i am of opinion nothing should be effected by enchantment4 ,i beg1 sir1 you will examine this part1 of which ,i have but a confused idea4 ,you will likewise consider1 whether or not it be necessary the prison should be opened1 and the princess conveyed from it to a fine palace1 gilt and varnished1 and prepared for her4 ,i know all this is wretched1 and that it is beneath a thinking being to make a serious affair of such trifles2 but1 since we must displease as little as possible1 it is necessary we should conform to reason1 even in a bad divertissement of an opera4 ,i depend wholly upon you and ,m4 ,ballot1 and soon expect to have the honor of returning you my thanks1 and assuring you how much ,i am1 etc4 ,there is nothing surprising in the great politeness of this letter1 compared with the almost crude ones which he has since written to me4 ,he thought ,i was in great favor with ,madam ,richelieu2 and the courtly suppleness1 which everyone knows to be the character of this author1 obliged him to be extremely polite to a new comer1 until he become better acquainted with the measure of the favor and patronage he enjoyed4 ,authorized by ,m4 de ,voltaire1 and not under the necessity of giving myself the least concern about ,m4 ,rameau1 who endeavored to injure me1 ,i set to work1 and in two months my undertaking was finished4 ,with respect to the poetry1 it was confined to a mere trifle2 ,i aimed at nothing more than to prevent the difference of style from being perceived1 and had the vanity to think ,i had succeeded4 ,the musical part was longer and more laborious4 ,besides my having to compose several preparatory pieces1 and1 amongst others1 the overture1 all the recitative1 with which ,i was charged1 was extremely difficult on account of the necessity there was of connecting1 in a few verses1 and by very rapid modulations1 symphonies and choruses1 in keys very different from each other2 for ,i was determined neither to change nor transpose any of the airs1 that ,rameau might not accuse me of having disfigured them4 ,i succeeded in the recitative2 it was well accented1 full of energy and excellent modulation4 ,the idea of two men of superior talents1 with whom ,i was associated1 had elevated my genius1 and ,i can assert1 that in this barren and inglorious task1 of which the public could have no knowledge1 ,i was for the most part equal to my models4 ,the piece1 in the state to which ,i had brought it1 was rehearsed in the great theatre of the opera4 ,of the three authors who had contributed to the production1 ,i was the only one present4 ,voltaire was not in ,paris1 and ,rameau either did not come1 or concealed himself4 ,the words of the first monologue were very mournful2 they began with3 ,o ,mort6 viens terminer les malheurs de ma vie4 ,o ,death6 hasten to terminate the misfortunes of my life4 ,to these1 suitable music was necessary4 ,it was1 however1 upon this that ,madam de la ,popliniere founded her censure2 accusing me1 with much bitterness1 of having composed a funeral anthem4 ,m4 de ,richelieu very judiciously began by informing himself who was the author of the poetry of this monologue2 ,i presented him the manuscript he had sent me1 which proved it was by ,voltaire4 ,in that case1 said the duke1 ,voltaire alone is to blame4 ,during the rehearsal1 everything ,i had done was disapproved by ,madam de la ,popliniere1 and approved of by ,m4 de ,richelieu2 but ,i had afterwards to do with too powerful an adversary4 ,it was signified to me that several parts of my composition wanted revising1 and that on this it was necessary ,i should consult ,m4 ,rameau2 my heart was wounded by such a conclusion1 instead of the eulogium ,i expected1 and which certainly ,i merited1 and ,i returned to my apartment overwhelmed with grief1 exhausted with fatigue1 and consumed by chagrin4 ,i was immediately taken ill1 and confined to my chamber for upwards of six weeks4 ,rameau1 who was charged with the alterations indicated by ,madam de la ,popliniere1 sent to ask me for the overture of my great opera1 to substitute it to that ,i had just composed4 ,happily ,i perceived the trick he intended to play me1 and refused him the overture4 ,as the performance was to be in five or six days1 he had not time to make one1 and was obliged to leave that ,i had prepared4 ,it was in the ,italian taste1 and in a style at that time quite new in ,france4 ,it gave satisfaction1 and ,i learned from ,m4 de ,valmalette1 maitre d'hotel to the king1 and son-in-law to ,m4 ,mussard1 my relation and friend1 that the connoisseurs were highly satisfied with my work1 and that the public had not distinguished it from that of ,rameau4 ,however1 he and ,madam de la ,popliniere took measures to prevent any person from knowing ,i had any concern in the matter4 ,in the books distributed to the audience1 and in which the authors are always named1 ,voltaire was the only person mentioned1 and ,rameau preferred the suppression of his own name to seeing it associated with mine4 ,as soon as ,i was in a situation to leave my room1 ,i wished to wait upon ,m4 de ,richelieu1 but it was too late2 he had just set off for ,dunkirk1 where he was to command the expedition destined to ,scotland4 ,at his return1 said ,i to myself1 to authorize my idleness1 it will be too late for my purpose1 not having seen him since that time4 ,i lost the honor of mywork and the emoluments it should have produced me1 besides considering my time1 trouble1 grief1 and vexation1 my illness1 and the money this cost me1 without ever receiving the least benefit1 or rather1 recompense4 ,however1 ,i always thought ,m4 de ,richelieu was disposed to serve me1 and that he had a favorable opinion of my talents2 but my misfortune1 and ,madam de la ,popliniere1 prevented the effect of his good wishes4 ,i could not divine the reason of the aversion this lady had to me4 ,i had always endeavored to make myself agreeable to her1 and regularly paid her my court4 ,gauffecourt explained to me the causes of her dislike3 ,the first1 said he1 is her friendship for ,rameau1 of whom she is the declared panegyrist1 and who will not suffer a competitor2 the next is an original sin1 which ruins you in her estimation1 and which she will never forgive2 you are a ,genevese4 ,upon this he told me the ,abbe ,hubert1 who was from the same city1 and the sincere friend of ,m4 de la ,popliniere1 had used all his efforts to prevent him from marrying this lady1 with whose character and temper he was very well acquainted2 and that after the marriage she had vowed him an implacable hatred1 as well as all the ,genevese4 ,although ,la ,popliniere has a friendship for you1 do not1 said he1 depend upon his protection3 he is still in love with his wife3 she hates you1 and is vindictive and artful2 you will never do anything in that house4 ,all this ,i took for granted4 ,the same ,gauffecourt rendered me much about this time1 a service of which ,i stood in the greatest need4 ,i had just lost my virtuous father1 who was about sixty years of age4 ,i felt this loss less severely than ,i should have done at any other time1 when the embarrassments of my situation had less engaged my attention4 ,during his life-time ,i had never claimed what remained of the property of my mother1 and of which he received the little interest4 ,his death removed all my scruples upon this subject4 ,but the want of a legal proof of the death of my brother created a difficulty which ,gauffecourt undertook to remove1 and this he effected by means of the good offices of the advocate ,de ,lolme4 ,as ,i stood in need of the little resource1 and the event being doubtful1 ,i waited for a definitive account with the greatest anxiety4 ,one evening on entering my apartment ,i found a letter1 which ,i knew to contain the information ,i wanted1 and ,i took it up with an impatient trembling1 of which ,i was inwardly ashamed4 ,what8 said ,i to myself1 with disdain1 shall ,jean ,jacques thus suffer himself to be subdued by interest and curiosity8 ,i immediately laid the letter again upon the chimney-piece4 ,i undressed myself1 went to bed with great composure1 slept better than ordinary1 and rose in the morning at a late hour1 without thinking more of my letter4 ,as ,i dressed myself1 it caught my eye2 ,i broke the seal very leisurely1 and found under the envelope a bill of exchange4 ,i felt a variety of pleasing sensations at the same time3 but ,i can assert1 upon my honor1 that the most lively of them all was that proceeding from having known how to be master of myself4 ,i could mention twenty such circumstances in my life1 but ,i am too much pressed for time to say everything4 ,i sent a small part of this money to my poor mamma2 regretting1 with my eyes suffused with tears1 the happy time when ,i should have laid it all at her feet4 ,all her letters contained evident marks of her distress4 ,she sent me piles of recipes1 and numerous secrets1 with which she pretended ,i might make my fortune and her own4 ,the idea of her wretchedness already affected her heart and contracted her mind4 ,the little ,i sent her fell a prey to the knaves by whom she was surrounded2 she received not the least advantage from anything4 ,the idea of dividing what was necessary to my own subsistence with these wretches disgusted me1 especially after the vain attempt ,i had made to deliver her from them1 and of which ,i shall have occasion to speak4 ,time slipped away1 and with it the little money ,i had2 we were two1 or indeed1 four persons2 or1 to speak still more correctly1 seven or eight4 ,although ,theresa was disinterested to a degree of which there are but few examples1 her mother was not so4 ,she was no sooner a little relieved from her necessities by my cares1 than she sent for her whole family to partake of the fruits of them4 ,her sisters1 sons1 daughters1 all except her eldest daughter1 married to the director of the coaches of ,augers1 came to ,paris4 ,everything ,i did for ,theresa1 her mother diverted from its original destination in favor of these people who were starving4 ,i had not to do with an avaricious person2 and1 not being under the influence of an unruly passion1 ,i was not guilty of follies4 ,satisfied with genteelly supporting ,theresa without luxury1 and unexposed to pressing wants1 ,i readily consented to let all the earnings of her industry go to the profit of her mother2 and to this even ,i did not confine myself2 but1 by a fatality by which ,i was pursued1 whilst mamma was a prey to the rascals about her ,theresa was the same to her family2 and ,i could not do anything on either side for the benefit of her to whom the succor ,i gave was destined4 ,it was odd enough the youngest child of ,m4 de la ,vasseur1 the only one who had not received a marriage portion from her parents1 should provide for their subsistence2 and that1 after having a long time been beaten by her brothers1 sisters1 and even her nieces1 the poor girl should be plundered by them all1 without being more able to defend herself from their thefts than from their blows4 ,one of her nieces1 named ,gorton le ,duc1 was of a mild and amiable character2 although spoiled by the lessons and examples of the others4 ,as ,i frequently saw them together1 ,i gave them names1 which they afterwards gave to each other2 ,i called the niece my niece1 and the aunt my aunt2 they both called me uncle4 ,hence the name of aunt1 by which ,i continued to call ,theresa1 and which my friends sometimes jocosely repeated4 ,it will be judged that in such a situation ,i had not a moment to lose1 before ,i attempted to extricate myself4 ,imagining ,m4 de ,richelieu had forgotten me1 and having no more hopes from the court1 ,i made some attempts to get my opera brought out at ,paris2 but ,i met with difficulties which could not immediately be removed1 and my situation became daily more painful4 ,i presented my little comedy of ,narcisse to the ,italians2 it was received1 and ,i had the freedom of the theatre1 which gave much pleasure4 ,but this was all2 ,i could never get my piece performed1 and1 tired of paying my court to players1 ,i gave myself no more trouble about them4 ,at length ,i had recourse to the last expedient which remained to me1 and the only one of which ,i ought to have made use4 ,while frequenting the house of ,m4 de la ,popliniere1 ,i had neglected the family of ,dupin4 ,the two ladies1 although related1 were not on good terms1 and never saw each other4 ,there was not the least intercourse between the two families1 and ,thieriot was the only person who visited both4 ,he was desired to endeavor to bring me again to ,m4 ,dupin's4 ,m4 de ,francueil was then studying natural history and chemistry1 and collecting a cabinet4 ,i believe he aspired to become a member of the ,academy of ,sciences2 to this effect he intended to write a book1 and judged ,i might be of use to him in the undertaking4 ,madam de ,dupin1 who1 on her part1 had another work in contemplation1 had much the same views in respect to me4 ,they wished to have me in common as a kind of secretary1 and this was the reason of the invitations of ,thieriot4 ,i required that ,m4 de ,francueil should previously employ his interest with that of ,jelyote to get my work rehearsed at the opera-house2 to this he consented4 ,the ,muses ,galantes were several times rehearsed1 first at the ,magazine1 and afterwards in the great theatre4 ,the audience was very numerous at the great rehearsal1 and several parts of the composition were highly applauded4 ,however1 during this rehearsal1 very ill-conducted by ,rebel1 ,i felt the piece would not be received2 and that1 before it could appear1 great alterations were necessary4 ,i therefore withdrew it without saying a word1 or exposing myself to a refusal2 but ,i plainly perceived1 by several indications1 that the work1 had it been perfect1 could not have succeeded4 ,m4 de ,francueil had promised me to get it rehearsed1 but not that it should be received4 ,he exactly kept his word4 ,i thought ,i perceived on this occasion1 as well as many others1 that neither ,madam ,dupin nor himself were willing ,i should acquire a certain reputation in the world1 lest1 after the publication of their books1 it should be supposed they had grafted their talents upon mine4 ,yet as ,madam ,dupin always supposed those ,i had to be very moderate1 and never employed me except it was to write what she dictated1 or in researches of pure erudition1 the reproach1 with respect to her1 would have been unjust4 ,this last failure of success completed my discouragement4 ,i abandoned every prospect of fame and advancement2 and1 without further troubling my head about real or imaginary talents1 with which ,i had so little success1 ,i dedicated my whole time and cares to procure myself and ,theresa a subsistence in the manner most pleasing to those to whom it should be agreeable to provide for it4 ,i therefore entirely attached myself to ,madam ,dupin and ,m4 de ,francueil4 ,this did not place me in a very opulent situation2 for with eight or nine hundred livres1 which ,i had the first two years1 ,i had scarcely enough to provide for my primary wants2 being obliged to live in their neighborhood1 a dear part of the town1 in a furnished lodging1 and having to pay for another lodging at the extremity of ,paris1 at the very top of the ,rue ,saint ,jacques1 to which1 let the weather be as it would1 ,i went almost every evening to supper4 ,i soon got into the track of my new occupations1 and conceived a taste for them4 ,i attached myself to the study of chemistry1 and attended several courses of it with ,m4 de ,francueil at ,m4 ,rouelle's1 and we began to scribble over paper upon that science1 of which we scarcely possessed the elements4 ,in #agag1 we went to pass the autumn in ,tourraine1 at the castle of ,chenonceaux1 a royal mansion upon the ,cher1 built by ,henry the ,,ii1 for ,diana of ,poitiers1 of whom the ciphers are still seen1 and which is now in the possession of ,m4 ,dupin1 a farmer general4 ,we amused ourselves very agreeably in this beautiful place1 and lived very well3 ,i became as fat there as a monk4 ,music was a favorite relaxation4 ,i composed several trios full of harmony1 and of which ,i may perhaps speak in my supplement if ever ,i should write one4 ,theatrical performances were another resource4 ,i wrote a comedy in fifteen days1 entitled 'l',engagement ,temeraire'1--,the ,rash ,engagement--which will be found amongst my papers2 it has no other merit than that of being lively4 ,i composed several other little things3 amongst others a poem entitled1 'l',aliee de ,sylvie'1 from the name of an alley in the park upon the bank of the ,cher2 and this without discontinuing my chemical studies1 or interrupting what ,i had to do for ,madam ,dupin4 ,whilst ,i was increasing my corpulency at ,chenonceaux1 that of my poor ,theresa was augmented at ,paris in another manner1 and at my return ,i found the work ,i had put upon the frame in greater forwardness than ,i had expected4 ,this1 on account of my situation1 would have thrown me into the greatest embarrassment1 had not one of my messmates furnished me with the only resource which could relieve me from it4 ,this is one of those essential narratives which ,i cannot give with too much simplicity2 because1 in making an improper use of their names1 ,i should either excuse or inculpate myself1 both of which in this place are entirely out of the question4 ,during the residence of ,altuna at ,paris1 instead of going to eat at a ',traiteurs'1 he and ,i commonly ate in the neighborhood1 almost opposite the cul de sac of the opera1 at the house of a ,madam la ,selle1 the wife of a tailor1 who gave but very ordinary dinners1 but whose table was much frequented on account of the safe company which generally resorted to it2 no person was received without being introduced by one of those who used the house4 ,the commander1 ,de ,graville1 an old debauchee1 with much wit and politeness1 but obscene in conversation1 lodged at the house1 and brought to it a set of riotous and extravagant young men2 officers in the guards and mousquetaires4 ,the ,commander de ,nonant1 chevalier to all the girls of the opera1 was the daily oracle1 who conveyed to us the news of this motley crew4 ,m4 du ,plessis1 a lieutenant-colonel1 retired from the service1 an old man of great goodness and wisdom2 and ,m4 ,ancelet1 an officer in the mousquetaires1 kept the young people in a certain kind of order4 ,it was to this ,m4 ,ancelet ,i gave a little comedy1 after my own manner entitled 'les ,prisouniers de ,guerre'1 which ,i wrote after the disasters of the ,french in ,bavaria and ,bohemia3 ,i dared not either avow this comedy or show it1 and this for the singular reason that neither the ,king of ,france nor the ,french were ever better spoken of nor praised with more sincerity of heart than in my piece though written by a professed republican1 ,i dared not declare myself the panegyrist of a nation1 whose maxims were exactly the reverse of my own4 ,more grieved at the misfortunes of ,france than the ,french themselves ,i was afraid the public would construe into flattery and mean complaisance the marks of a sincere attachment1 of which in my first part ,i have mentioned the date and the cause1 and which ,i was ashamed to show4 ,this table was also frequented by commercial people1 financiers and contractors1 but extremely polite1 and such as were distinguished amongst those of the same profession4 ,m4 de ,besse1 ,m4 de ,forcade1 and others whose names ,i have forgotten1 in short1 well-dressed people of every description were seen there2 except abbes and men of the long robe1 not one of whom ,i ever met in the house1 and it was agreed not to introduce men of either of these professions4 ,this table1 sufficiently resorted to1 was very cheerful without being noisy1 and many of the guests were waggish1 without descending to vulgarity4 ,the old commander with all his smutty stories1 with respect to the substance1 never lost sight of the politeness of the old court2 nor did any indecent expression1 which even women would not have pardoned him1 escape his lips4 ,his manner served as a rule to every person at table2 all the young men related their adventures of gallantry with equal grace and freedom1 and these narratives were the more complete1 as the seraglio was at the door2 the entry which led to it was the same2 for there was a communication between this and the shop of ,le ,duchapt1 a celebrated milliner1 who at that time had several very pretty girls1 with whom our young people went to chat before or after dinner4 ,i should thus have amused myself as well as the rest1 had ,i been less modest3 ,i had only to go in as they did1 but this ,i never had courage enough to do4 ,with respect to ,madam de ,selle1 ,i often went to eat at her house after the departure of ,altuna4 ,i learned a great number of amusing anecdotes1 and by degrees ,i adopted1 thank ,god1 not the morals1 but the maxims ,i found to be established there4 ,honest men injured1 husbands deceived1 women seduced1 were the most ordinary topics1 and he who had best filled the foundling hospital was always the most applauded4 ,i caught the manners ,i daily had before my eyes3 ,i formed my manner of thinking upon that ,i observed to be the reigning one amongst amiable1 and upon the whole1 very honest people4 ,i said to myself1 since it is the custom of the country1 they who live here may adopt it2 this is the expedient for which ,i sought4 ,i cheerfully determined upon it without the least scruple1 and the only one ,i had to overcome was that of ,theresa1 whom1 with the greatest imaginable difficulty1 ,i persuaded to adopt this only means of saving her honor4 ,her mother1 who was moreover apprehensive of a new embarrassment by an increase of family1 came to my aid1 and she at length suffered herself to be prevailed upon4 ,we made choice of a midwife1 a safe and prudent woman1 ,mademoiselle ,gouin1 who lived at the ,point ,saint ,eustache1 and when the time came1 ,theresa was conducted to her house by her mother4 ,i went thither several times to see her1 and gave her a cipher which ,i had made double upon two cards2 one of them was put into the linen of the child1 and by the midwife deposited with the infant in the office of the foundling hospital according to the customary form4 ,the year following1 a similar inconvenience was remedied by the same expedient1 excepting the cipher1 which was forgotten3 no more reflection on my part1 nor approbation on that of the mother2 she obeyed with trembling4 ,all the vicissitudes which this fatal conduct has produced in my manner of thinking1 as well as in my destiny1 will be successively seen4 ,for the present1 we will confine ourselves to this first period2 its cruel and unforeseen consequences will but too frequently oblige me to refer to it4 ,i here mark that of my first acquaintance with ,madam ,d',epinay1 whose name will frequently appear in these memoirs4 ,she was a ,mademoiselle ,d' ,esclavelles1 and had lately been married to ,m4 ,d',epinay1 son of ,m4 de ,lalive de ,bellegarde1 a farmer general4 ,she understood music1 and a passion for the art produced between these three persons the greatest intimacy4 ,madam ,francueil introduced me to ,madam ,d',epinay1 and we sometimes supped together at her house4 ,she was amiable1 had wit and talent1 and was certainly a desirable acquaintance2 but she had a female friend1 a ,mademoiselle d',ette1 who was said to have much malignancy in her disposition2 she lived with the ,chevalier de ,valory1 whose temper was far from being one of the best4 ,i am of opinion1 an acquaintance with these two persons was prejudicial to ,madam ,d',epinay1 to whom1 with a disposition which required the greatest attention from those about her1 nature had given very excellent qualities to regulate or counterbalance her extravagant pretensions4 ,m4 de ,francueil inspired her with a part of the friendship he had conceived for me1 and told me of the connection between them1 of which1 for that reason1 ,i would not now speak1 were it not become so public as not to be concealed from ,m4 ,d',epinay himself4 ,m4 de ,francueil confided to me secrets of a very singular nature relative to this lady1 of which she herself never spoke to me1 nor so much as suspected my having a knowledge2 for ,i never opened my lips to her upon the subject1 nor will ,i ever do it to any person4 ,the confidence all parties had in my prudence rendered my situation very embarrassing1 especially with ,madam de ,francueil1 whose knowledge of me was sufficient to remove from her all suspicion on my account1 although ,i was connected with her rival4 ,i did everything ,i could to console this poor woman1 whose husband certainly did not return the affection she had for him4 ,i listened to these three persons separately2 ,i kept all their secrets so faithfully that not one of the three ever drew from me those of the two others1 and this1 without concealing from either of the women my attachment to each of them4 ,madam de ,francueil1 who frequently wished to make me an agent1 received refusals in form1 and ,madam ,d',epinay1 once desiring me to charge myself with a letter to ,m4 de ,francueil received the same mortification1 accompanied by a very express declaration1 that if ever she wished to drive me forever from the house1 she had only a second time to make me a like proposition4 ,in justice to ,madam ,d',epinay1 ,i must say1 that far from being offended with me she spoke of my conduct to ,m4 de ,francueil in terms of the highest approbation1 and continued to receive me as well1 and as politely as ever4 ,it was thus1 amidst the heart-burnings of three persons to whom ,i was obliged to behave with the greatest circumspection1 on whom ,i in some measure depended1 and for whom ,i had conceived an attachment1 that by conducting myself with mildness and complaisance1 although accompanied with the greatest firmness1 ,i preserved unto the last not only their friendship1 but their esteem and confidence4 ,notwithstanding my absurdities and awkwardness1 ,madam ,d',epinay would have me make one of the party to the ,chevrette1 a country-house1 near ,saint ,denis1 belonging to ,m4 de ,bellegarde4 ,there was a theatre1 in which performances were not unfrequent4 ,i had a part given me1 which ,i studied for six months without intermission1 and in which1 on the evening of the representation1 ,i was obliged to be prompted from the beginning to the end4 ,after this experiment no second proposal of the kind was ever made to me4 ,my acquaintance with ,m4 ,d',epinay procured me that of her sister-in-law1 ,mademoiselle de ,bellegarde1 who soon afterwards became ,countess of ,houdetot4 ,the first time ,i saw her she was upon the point of marriage2 when she conversed with me a long time1 with that charming familiarity which was natural to her4 ,i thought her very amiable1 but ,i was far from perceiving that this young person would lead me1 although innocently1 into the abyss in which ,i still remain4 ,although ,i have not spoken of ,diderot since my return from ,venice1 no more than of my friend ,m4 ,roguin1 ,i did not neglect either of them1 especially the former1 with whom ,i daily became more intimate4 ,he had a ,nannette1 as well as ,i a ,theresa2 this was between us another conformity of circumstances4 ,but my ,theresa1 as fine a woman as his ,nannette1 was of a mild and amiable character1 which might gain and fix the affections of a worthy man2 whereas ,nannette was a vixen1 a troublesome prater1 and had no qualities in the eyes of others which in any measure compensated for her want of education4 ,however he married her1 which was well done of him1 if he had given a promise to that effect4 ,i1 for my part1 not having entered into any such engagement1 was not in the least haste to imitate him4 ,i was also connected with the ,abbe de ,condillac1 who had acquired no more literary fame than myself1 but in whom there was every appearance of his becoming what he now is4 ,i was perhaps the first who discovered the extent of his abilities1 and esteemed them as they deserved4 ,he on his part seemed satisfied with me1 and1 whilst shut up in my chamber in the ,rue ,jean ,saint ,denis1 near the opera-house1 ,i composed my act of ,hesiod1 he sometimes came to dine with me tete-a-tete4 ,we sent for our dinner1 and paid share and share alike4 ,he was at that time employed on his ,essay on the ,origin of ,human ,knowledge1 which was his first work4 ,when this was finished1 the difficulty was to find a bookseller who would take it4 ,the booksellers of ,paris are shy of every author at his beginning1 and metaphysics1 not much then in vogue1 were no very inviting subject4 ,i spoke to ,diderot of ,condillac and his work1 and ,i afterwards brought them acquainted with each other4 ,they were worthy of each other's esteem1 and were presently on the most friendly terms4 ,diderot persuaded the bookseller1 ,durand1 to take the manuscript from the abbe1 and this great metaphysician received for his first work1 and almost as a favor1 a hundred crowns1 which perhaps he would not have obtained without my assistance4 ,as we lived in a quarter of the town very distant from each other1 we all assembled once a week at the ,palais ,royal1 and went to dine at the ,hotel du ,panier ,fleuri4 ,these little weekly dinners must have been extremely pleasing to ,diderot2 for he who failed in almost all his appointments never missed one of these4 ,at our little meeting ,i formed the plan of a periodical paper1 entitled 'le ,persifleur'--,the ,jeerer--which ,diderot and ,i were alternately to write4 ,i sketched out the first sheet1 and this brought me acquainted with ,d',alembert1 to whom ,diderot had mentioned it4 ,unforeseen events frustrated our intention1 and the project was carried no further4 ,these two authors had just undertaken the ',dictionnaire ,encyclopedique'1 which at first was intended to be nothing more than a kind of translation of ,chambers1 something like that of the ,medical ,dictionary of ,james1 which ,diderot had just finished4 ,diderot was desirous ,i should do something in this second undertaking1 and proposed to me the musical part1 which ,i accepted4 ,this ,i executed in great haste1 and consequently very ill1 in the three months he had given me1 as well as all the authors who were engaged in the work4 ,but ,i was the only person in readiness at the time prescribed4 ,i gave him my manuscript1 which ,i had copied by a lackey1 belonging to ,m4 de ,francueil1 of the name of ,dupont1 who wrote very well4 ,i paid him ten crowns out of my own pocket1 and these have never been reimbursed me4 ,diderot had promised me a retribution on the part of the booksellers1 of which he has never since spoken to me nor ,i to him4 ,this undertaking of the ',encyclopedie' was interrupted by his imprisonment4 ,the ',pensees ,philosophiques' drew upon him some temporary inconvenience which had no disagreeable consequences4 ,he did not come off so easily on account of the ',lettre sur les ,aveugles'1 in which there was nothing reprehensible1 but some personal attacks with which ,madam du ,pre ,st4 ,maur1 and ,m4 de ,raumur were displeased3 for this he was confined in the dungeon of ,vincennes4 ,nothing can describe the anguish ,i felt on account of the misfortunes of my friend4 ,my wretched imagination1 which always sees everything in the worst light1 was terrified4 ,i imagined him to be confined for the remainder of his life4 ,i was almost distracted with the thought4 ,i wrote to ,madam de ,pompadour1 beseeching her to release him or obtain an order to shut me up in the same dungeon4 ,i received no answer to my letter3 this was too reasonable to be efficacious1 and ,i do not flatter myself that it contributed to the alleviation which1 some time afterwards1 was granted to the severities of the confinement of poor ,diderot4 ,had this continued for any length of time with the same rigor1 ,i verily believe ,i should have died in despair at the foot of the hated dungeon4 ,however1 if my letter produced but little effect1 ,i did not on account of it attribute to myself much merit1 for ,i mentioned it but to very few people1 and never to ,diderot himself4 ,,book ,,viii4 ,at the end of the preceding book a pause was necessary4 ,with this begins the long chain of my misfortunes deduced from their origin4 ,having lived in the two most splendid houses in ,paris1 ,i had1 notwithstanding my candor and modesty1 made some acquaintance4 ,among others at ,dupin's1 that of the young hereditary prince of ,saxe-,gotha1 and of the ,baron de ,thun1 his governor2 at the house of ,m4 de la ,popliniere1 that of ,m4 ,seguy1 friend to the ,baron de ,thun1 and known in the literary world by his beautiful edition of ,rousseau4 ,the baron invited ,m4 ,seguy and myself to go and pass a day or two at ,fontenai sous bois1 where the prince had a house4 ,as ,i passed ,vincennes1 at the sight of the dungeon1 my feelings were acute2 the effect of which the baron perceived on my countenance4 ,at supper the prince mentioned the confinement of ,diderot4 ,the baron1 to hear what ,i had to say1 accused the prisoner of imprudence2 and ,i showed not a little of the same in the impetuous manner in which ,i defended him4 ,this excess of zeal1 inspired by the misfortune which had befallen my friend1 was pardoned1 and the conversation immediately changed4 ,there were present two ,germans in the service of the prince4 ,m4 ,klupssel1 a man of great wit1 his chaplain1 and who afterwards1 having supplanted the baron1 became his governor4 ,the other was a young man named ,m4 ,grimm1 who served him as a reader until he could obtain some place1 and whose indifferent appearance sufficiently proved the pressing necessity he was under of immediately finding one4 ,from this very evening ,klupssel and ,i began an acquaintance which soon led to friendship4 ,that with the ,sieur ,grimm did not make quite so rapid a progress2 he made but few advances1 and was far from having that haughty presumption which prosperity afterwards gave him4 ,the next day at dinner1 the conversation turned upon music2 he spoke well on the subject4 ,i was transported with joy when ,i learned from him he could play an accompaniment on the harpsichord4 ,after dinner was over music was introduced1 and we amused ourselves the rest of the afternoon on the harpischord of the prince4 ,thus began that friendship which1 at first1 was so agreeable to me1 afterwards so fatal1 and of which ,i shall hereafter have so much to say4 ,at my return to ,paris1 ,i learned the agreeable news that ,diderot was released from the dungeon1 and that he had on his parole the castle and park of ,vincennes for a prison1 with permission to see his friends4 ,how painful was it to me not to be able instantly to fly to him6 ,but ,i was detained two or three days at ,madam ,dupin's by indispensable business4 ,after ages of impatience1 ,i flew to the arms of my friend4 ,he was not alone3 ,d' ,alembert and the treasurer of the ,sainte ,chapelle were with him4 ,as ,i entered ,i saw nobody but himself1 ,i made but one step1 one cry2 ,i riveted my face to his3 ,i pressed him in my arms1 without speaking to him1 except by tears and sighs3 ,i stifled him with my affection and joy4 ,the first thing he did1 after quitting my arms1 was to turn himself towards the ecclesiastic1 and say3 ,you see1 sir1 how much ,i am beloved by my friends4 ,my emotion was so great1 that it was then impossible for me to reflect upon this manner of turning it to advantage2 but ,i have since thought that1 had ,i been in the place of ,diderot1 the idea he manifested would not have been the first that would have occurred to me4 ,i found him much affected by his imprisonment4 ,the dungeon had made a terrible impression upon his mind1 and1 although he was very agreeably situated in the castle1 and at liberty to walk where he pleased in the park1 which was not inclosed even by a wall1 he wanted the society of his friends to prevent him from yielding to melancholy4 ,as ,i was the person most concerned for his sufferings1 ,i imagined ,i should also be the friend1 the sight of whom would give him consolation2 on which account1 notwithstanding very pressing occupations1 ,i went every two days at farthest1 either alone1 or accompanied by his wife1 to pass the afternoon with him4 ,the heat of the summer was this year 7#agdi7 excessive4 ,vincennes is two leagues from ,paris4 ,the state of my finances not permitting me to pay for hackney coaches1 at two o'clock in the afternoon1 ,i went on foot1 when alone1 and walked as fast as possible1 that ,i might arrive the sooner4 ,the trees by the side of the road1 always lopped1 according to the custom of the country1 afforded but little shade1 and exhausted by fatigue1 ,i frequently threw myself on the ground1 being unable to proceed any further4 ,i thought a book in my hand might make me moderate my pace4 ,one day ,i took the ,mercure de ,france1 and as ,i walked and read1 ,i came to the following question proposed by the academy of ,dijon1 for the premium of the ensuing year1 ',has the progress of sciences and arts contributed to corrupt or purify morals8' ,the moment ,i had read this1 ,i seemed to behold another world1 and became a different man4 ,although ,i have a lively remembrance of the impression it made upon me1 the detail has escaped my mind1 since ,i communicated it to ,m4 de ,malesherbes in one of my four letters to him4 ,this is one of the singularities of my memory which merits to be remarked4 ,it serves me in proportion to my dependence upon it2 the moment ,i have committed to paper that with which it was charged1 it forsakes me1 and ,i have no sooner written a thing than ,i had forgotten it entirely4 ,this singularity is the same with respect to music4 ,before ,i learned the use of notes ,i knew a great number of songs2 the moment ,i had made a sufficient progress to sing an air set to music1 ,i could not recollect any one of them2 and1 at present1 ,i much doubt whether ,i should be able entirely to go through one of those of which ,i was the most fond4 ,all ,i distinctly recollect upon this occasion is1 that on my arrival at ,vincennes1 ,i was in an agitation which approached a delirium4 ,diderot perceived it2 ,i told him the cause1 and read to him the prosopopoeia of ,fabricius1 written with a pencil under a tree4 ,he encouraged me to pursue my ideas1 and to become a competitor for the premium4 ,i did so1 and from that moment ,i was ruined4 ,all the rest of my misfortunes during my life were the inevitable effect of this moment of error4 ,my sentiments became elevated with the most inconceivable rapidity to the level of my ideas4 ,all my little passions were stifled by the enthusiasm of truth1 liberty1 and virtue2 and1 what is most astonishing1 this effervescence continued in my mind upwards of five years1 to as great a degree perhaps as it has ever done in that of any other man4 ,i composed the discourse in a very singular manner1 and in that style which ,i have always followed in my other works4 ,i dedicated to it the hours of the night in which sleep deserted me1 ,i meditated in my bed with my eyes closed1 and in my mind turned over and over again my periods with incredible labor and care2 the moment they were finished to my satisfaction1 ,i deposited them in my memory1 until ,i had an opportunity of committing them to paper2 but the time of rising and putting on my clothes made me lose everything1 and when ,i took up my pen ,i recollected but little of what ,i had composed4 ,i made ,madam le ,vasseur my secretary2 ,i had lodged her with her daughter1 and husband1 nearer to myself2 and she1 to save me the expense of a servant1 came every morning to make my fire1 and to do such other little things as were necessary4 ,as soon as she arrived ,i dictated to her while in bed what ,i had composed in the night1 and this method1 which for a long time ,i observed1 preserved me many things ,i should otherwise have forgotten4 ,as soon as the discourse was finished1 ,i showed it to ,diderot4 ,he was satisfied with the production1 and pointed out some corrections he thought necessary to be made4 ,however1 this composition1 full of force and fire1 absolutely wants logic and order2 of all the works ,i ever wrote1 this is the weakest in reasoning1 and the most devoid of number and harmony4 ,with whatever talent a man may be born1 the art of writing is not easily learned4 ,i sent off this piece without mentioning it to anybody1 except1 ,i think1 to ,grimm1 with whom1 after his going to live with the ,comte de ,vriese1 ,i began to be upon the most intimate footing4 ,his harpsichord served as a rendezvous1 and ,i passed with him at it all the moments ,i had to spare1 in singing ,italian airs1 and barcaroles2 sometimes without intermission1 from morning till night1 or rather from night until morning2 and when ,i was not to be found at ,madam ,dupin's1 everybody concluded ,i was with ,grimm at his apartment1 the public walk1 or theatre4 ,i left off going to the ,comedie ,italienne1 of which ,i was free1 to go with him1 and pay1 to the ,comedie ,francoise1 of which he was passionately fond4 ,in short1 so powerful an attraction connected me with this young man1 and ,i became so inseparable from him1 that the poor aunt herself was rather neglected1 that is1 ,i saw her less frequently2 for in no moment of my life has my attachment to her been diminished4 ,this impossibility of dividing1 in favor of my inclinations1 the little time ,i had to myself1 renewed more strongly than ever the desire ,i had long entertained of having but one home for ,theresa and myself2 but the embarrassment of her numerous family1 and especially the want of money to purchase furniture1 had hitherto withheld me from accomplishing it4 ,an opportunity to endeavor at it presented itself1 and of this ,i took advantage4 ,m4 de ,francueil and ,madam ,dupin1 clearly perceiving that eight or nine hundred livres a year were unequal to my wants1 increased1 of their own accord1 my salary to fifty guineas2 and ,madam ,dupin1 having heard ,i wished to furnish myself lodgings1 assisted me with some articles for that purpose4 ,with this furniture and that ,theresa already had1 we made one common stock1 and1 having an apartment in the ,hotel de ,languedoc1 ,rue de ,grenelle-,saint-,honore1 kept by very honest people1 we arranged ourselves in the best manner we could1 and lived there peaceably and agreeably during seven years1 at the end of which ,i removed to go and live at the ,hermitage4 ,theresa's father was a good old man1 very mild in his disposition1 and much afraid of his wife2 for this reason he had given her the surname of ,lieutenant ,criminal1 which ,grimm1 jocosely1 afterwards transferred to the daughter4 ,madam le ,vasseur did not want sense1 that is address2 and pretended to the politeness and airs of the first circles2 but she had a mysterious wheedling1 which to me was insupportable1 gave bad advice to her daughter1 endeavored to make her dissemble with me1 and separately1 cajoled my friends at my expense1 and that of each other2 excepting these circumstances1 she was a tolerably good mother1 because she found her account in being so1 and concealed the faults of her daughter to turn them to her own advantage4 ,this woman1 who had so much of my care and attention1 to whom ,i made so many little presents1 and by whom ,i had it extremely at heart to make myself beloved1 was1 from the impossibility of my succeeding in this wish1 the only cause of the uneasiness ,i suffered in my little establishment4 ,except the effects of this cause ,i enjoyed1 during these six or seven years1 the most perfect domestic happiness of which human weakness is capable4 ,the heart of my ,theresa was that of an angel2 our attachment increased with our intimacy1 and we were more and more daily convinced how much we were made for each other4 ,could our pleasures be described1 their simplicity would cause laughter4 ,our walks1 tete-a-tete1 on the outside of the city1 where ,i magnificently spent eight or ten sous in each guinguette4--,ale-house--,our little suppers at my window1 seated opposite to each other upon two little chairs1 placed upon a trunk1 which filled up the spare of the embrasure4 ,in this situation the window served us as a table1 we respired the fresh air1 enjoyed the prospect of the environs and the people who passed2 and1 although upon the fourth story1 looked down into the street as we ate4 ,who can describe1 and how few can feel1 the charms of these repasts1 consisting of a quartern loaf1 a few cherries1 a morsel of cheese1 and half-a-pint of wine which we drank between us8 ,friendship1 confidence1 intimacy1 sweetness of disposition1 how delicious are your reasonings6 ,we sometimes remained in this situation until midnight1 and never thought of the hour1 unless informed of it by the old lady4 ,but let us quit these details1 which are either insipid or laughable2 ,i have always said and felt that real enjoyment was not to be described4 ,much about the same time ,i indulged in one not so delicate1 and the last of the kind with which ,i have to reproach myself4 ,i have observed that the minister ,klupssel was an amiable man2 my connections with him were almost as intimate as those ,i had with ,grimm1 and in the end became as familiar2 ,grimm and he sometimes ate at my apartment4 ,these repasts1 a little more than simple1 were enlivened by the witty and extravagant wantonness of expression of ,klupssel1 and the diverting ,germanicisms of ,grimm1 who was not yet become a purist4 ,sensuality did not preside at our little orgies1 but joy1 which was preferable1 reigned in them all1 and we enjoyed ourselves so well together that we knew not how to separate4 ,klupssel had furnished a lodging for a little girl1 who1 notwithstanding this1 was at the service of anybody1 because he could not support her entirely himself4 ,one evening as we were going into the coffee-house1 we met him coming out to go and sup with her4 ,we rallied him2 he revenged himself gallantly1 by inviting us to the same supper1 and there rallying us in our turn4 ,the poor young creature appeared to be of a good disposition1 mild and little fitted to the way of life to which an old hag she had with her1 prepared her in the best manner she could4 ,wine and conversation enlivened us to such a degree that we forgot ourselves4 ,the amiable ,klupssel was unwilling to do the honors of his table by halves1 and we all three successively took a view of the next chamber1 in company with his little friend1 who knew not whether she should laugh or cry4 ,grimm has always maintained that he never touched her2 it was therefore to amuse himself with our impatience1 that he remained so long in the other chamber1 and if he abstained1 there is not much probability of his having done so from scruple1 because previous to his going to live with the ,comte de ,friese1 he lodged with girls of the town in the same quarter of ,st4 ,roch4 ,i left the ,rue des ,moineaux1 where this girl lodged1 as much ashamed as ,saint ,preux left the house in which he had become intoxicated1 and when ,i wrote his story ,i well remembered my own4 ,theresa perceived by some sign1 and especially by my confusion1 ,i had something with which ,i reproached myself2 ,i relieved my mind by my free and immediate confession4 ,i did well1 for the next day ,grimm came in triumph to relate to her my crime with aggravation1 and since that time he has never failed maliciously to recall it to her recollection2 in this he was the more culpable1 since ,i had freely and voluntarily given him my confidence1 and had a right to expect he would not make me repent of it4 ,i never had a more convincing proof than on this occasion1 of the goodness of my ,theresa's heart2 she was more shocked at the behavior of ,grimm than at my infidelity1 and ,i received nothing from her but tender reproaches1 in which there was not the least appearance of anger4 ,the simplicity of mind of this excellent girl was equal to her goodness of heart2 and this is saying everything3 but one instance of it1 which is present to my recollection1 is worthy of being related4 ,i had told her ,klupssel was a minister1 and chaplain to the prince of ,saxe-,gotha4 ,a minister was to her so singular a man1 that oddly confounding the most dissimilar ideas1 she took it into her head to take ,klupssel for the pope2 ,i thought her mad the first time she told me when ,i came in1 that the pope had called to see me4 ,i made her explain herself and lost not a moment in going to relate the story to ,grimm and ,klupssel1 who amongst ourselves never lost the name of pope4 ,we gave to the girl in the ,rue des ,moineaux the name of ,pope ,joan4 ,our laughter was incessant2 it almost stifled us4 ,they1 who in a letter which it hath pleased them to attribute to me1 have made me say ,i never laughed but twice in my life1 did not know me at this period1 nor in my younger days2 for if they had1 the idea could never have entered into their heads4 ,the year following 7#agej71 not thinking more of my discourse2 ,i learned it had gained the premium at ,dijon4 ,this news awakened all the ideas which had dictated it to me1 gave them new animation1 and completed the fermentation of my heart of that first leaven of heroism and virtue which my father1 my country1 and ,plutarch had inspired in my infancy4 ,nothing now appeared great in my eyes but to be free and virtuous1 superior to fortune and opinion1 and independent of all exterior circumstances2 although a false shame1 and the fear of disapprobation at first prevented me from conducting myself according to these principles1 and from suddenly quarreling with the maxims of the age in which ,i lived1 ,i from that moment took a decided resolution to do it4--,and of this ,i purposely delayed the execution1 that irritated by contradiction1 it might be rendered triumphant4 ,while ,i was philosophizing upon the duties of man1 an event happened which made me better reflect upon my own4 ,theresa became pregnant for the third time4 ,too sincere with myself1 too haughty in my mind to contradict my principles by my actions1 ,i began to examine the destination of my children1 and my connections with the mother1 according to the laws of nature1 justice1 and reason1 and those of that religion1 pure1 holy1 and eternal1 like its author1 which men have polluted while they pretended to purify it1 and which by their formularies they have reduced to a religion of words1 since the difficulty of prescribing impossibilities is but trifling to those by whom they are not practised4 ,if ,i deceived myself in my conclusions1 nothing can be more astonishing than the security with which ,i depended upon them4 ,were ,i one of those men unfortunately born deaf to the voice of nature1 in whom no sentiment of justice or humanity ever took the least root1 this obduracy would be natural4 ,but that warmth of heart1 strong sensibility1 and facility of forming attachments2 the force with which they subdue me2 my cruel sufferings when obliged to break them2 the innate benevolence ,i cherished towards my fellow-creatures2 the ardent love ,i bear to great virtues1 to truth and justice1 the horror in which ,i hold evil of every kind2 the impossibility of hating1 of injuring or wishing to injure anyone2 the soft and lively emotion ,i feel at the sight of whatever is virtuous1 generous and amiable2 can these meet in the same mind with the depravity which without scruple treads under foot the most pleasing of all our duties8 ,no1 ,i feel1 and openly declare this to be impossible4 ,never in his whole life could ,j4 ,j4 be a man without sentiment or an unnatural father4 ,i may have been deceived1 but it is impossible ,i should have lost the least of my feelings4 ,were ,i to give my reasons1 ,i should say too much2 since they have seduced me1 they would seduce many others4 ,i will not therefore expose those young persons by whom ,i may be read to the same danger4 ,i will satisfy myself by observing that my error was such1 that in abandoning my children to public education for want of the means of bringing them up myself2 in destining them to become workmen and peasants1 rather than adventurers and fortune-hunters1 ,i thought ,i acted like an honest citizen1 and a good father1 and considered myself as a member of the republic of ,plato4 ,since that time the regrets of my heart have more than once told me ,i was deceived2 but my reason was so far from giving me the same intimation1 that ,i have frequently returned thanks to ,heaven for having by this means preserved them from the fate of their father1 and that by which they were threatened the moment ,i should have been under the necessity of leaving them4 ,had ,i left them to ,madam d',upinay1 or ,madam de ,luxembourg1 who1 from friendship1 generosity1 or some other motive1 offered to take care of them in due time1 would they have been more happy1 better brought up1 or honester men8 ,to this ,i cannot answer2 but ,i am certain they would have been taught to hate and perhaps betray their parents3 it is much better that they have never known them4 ,my third child was therefore carried to the foundling hospital as well as the two former1 and the next two were disposed of in the same manner2 for ,i have had five children in all4 ,this arrangement seemed to me to be so good1 reasonable and lawful1 that if ,i did not publicly boast of it1 the motive by which ,i was withheld was merely my regard for their mother3 but ,i mentioned it to all those to whom ,i had declared our connection1 to ,diderot1 to ,grimm1 afterwards to ,m4 d',epinay1 and after another interval to ,madam de ,luxembourg2 and this freely and voluntarily1 without being under the least necessity of doing it1 having it in my power to conceal the step from all the world2 for ,la ,gouin was an honest woman1 very discreet1 and a person on whom ,i had the greatest reliance4 ,the only one of my friends to whom it was in some measure my interest to open myself1 was ,thierry the physician1 who had the care of my poor aunt in one of her lyings in1 in which she was very ill4 ,in a word1 there was no mystery in my conduct1 not only on account of my never having concealed anything from my friends1 but because ,i never found any harm in it4 ,everything considered1 ,i chose the best destination for my children1 or that which ,i thought to be such4 ,i could have wished1 and still should be glad1 had ,i been brought up as they have been4 ,whilst ,i was thus communicating what ,i had done1 ,madam le ,vasseur did the same thing amongst her acquaintance1 but with less disinterested views4 ,i introduced her and her daughter to ,madam ,dupin1 who1 from friendship to me1 showed them the greatest kindness4 ,the mother confided to her the secret of the daughter4 ,madam ,dupin1 who is generous and kind1 and to whom she never told how attentive ,i was to her1 notwithstanding my moderate resources1 in providing for everything1 provided on her part for what was necessary1 with a liberality which1 by order of her mother1 the daughter concealed from me during my residence in ,paris1 nor ever mentioned it until we were at the ,hermitage1 when she informed me of it1 after having disclosed to me several other secrets of her heart4 ,i did not know ,madam ,dupin1 who never took the least notice to me of the matter1 was so well informed3 ,i know not yet whether ,madam de ,chenonceaux1 her daughter-in-law1 was as much in the secret3 but ,madam de ,brancueil knew the whole and could not refrain from prattling4 ,she spoke of it to me the following year1 after ,i had left her house4 ,this induced me to write her a letter upon the subject1 which will be found in my collections1 and wherein ,i gave such of my reasons as ,i could make public1 without exposing ,madam le ,vasseur and her family2 the most determinative of them came from that quarter1 and these ,i kept profoundly secret4 ,i can rely upon the discretion of ,madam ,dupin1 and the friendship of ,madam de ,chenonceaux2 ,i had the same dependence upon that of ,madam de ,francueil1 who1 however1 was long dead before my secret made its way into the world4 ,this it could never have done except by means of the persons to whom ,i intrusted it1 nor did it until after my rupture with them4 ,by this single fact they are judged2 without exculpating myself from the blame ,i deserve1 ,i prefer it to that resulting from their malignity4 ,my fault is great1 but it was an error4 ,i have neglected my duty1 but the desire of doing an injury never entered my heart2 and the feelings of a father were never more eloquent in favor of children whom he never saw4 ,but3 betraying the confidence of friendship1 violating the most sacred of all engagements1 publishing secrets confided to us1 and wantonly dishonoring the friend we have deceived1 and who in detaching himself from our society still respects us1 are not faults1 but baseness of mind1 and the last degree of heinousness4 ,i have promised my confession and not my justification2 on which account ,i shall stop here4 ,it is my duty faithfully to relate the truth1 that of the reader to be just2 more than this ,i never shall require of him4 ,the marriage of ,m4 de ,chenonceaux rendered his mother's house still more agreeable to me1 by the wit and merit of the new bride1 a very amiable young person1 who seemed to distinguish me amongst the scribes of ,m4 ,dupin4 ,she was the only daughter of the ,viscountess de ,rochechouart1 a great friend of the ,comte de ,friese1 and consequently of ,grimm's1 who was very attentive to her4 ,however1 it was ,i who introduced him to her daughter2 but their characters not suiting each other1 this connection was not of long duration2 and ,grimm1 who from that time aimed at what was solid1 preferred the mother1 a woman of the world1 to the daughter who wished for steady friends1 such as were agreeable to her1 without troubling her head about the least intrigue1 or making any interest amongst the great4 ,madam ,dupin no longer finding in ,madam de ,chenonceaux all the docility she expected1 made her house very disagreeable to her1 and ,madam de ,chenonceaux1 having a great opinion of her own merit1 and1 perhaps1 of her birth1 chose rather to give up the pleasures of society1 and remain almost alone in her apartment1 than to submit to a yoke she was not disposed to bear4 ,this species of exile increased my attachment to her1 by that natural inclination which excites me to approach the wretched1 ,i found her mind metaphysical and reflective1 although at times a little sophistical2 her conversation1 which was by no means that of a young woman coming from a convent1 had for me the greatest attractions2 yet she was not twenty years of age4 ,her complexion was seducingly fair2 her figure would have been majestic had she held herself more upright4 ,her hair1 which was fair1 bordering upon ash color1 and uncommonly beautiful1 called to my recollection that of my poor mamma in the flower of her age1 and strongly agitated my heart4 ,but the severe principles ,i had just laid down for myself1 by which at all events ,i was determined to be guided1 secured me from the danger of her and her charms4 ,during the whole summer ,i passed three or four hours a day in a tete-a-tete conversation with her1 teaching her arithmetic1 and fatiguing her with my innumerable ciphers1 without uttering a single word of gallantry1 or even once glancing my eyes upon her4 ,five or six years later ,i should not have had so much wisdom or folly2 but it was decreed ,i was never to love but once in my life1 and that another person was to have the first and last sighs of my heart4 ,since ,i had lived in the house of ,madam ,dupin1 ,i had always been satisfied with my situation1 without showing the least sign of a desire to improve it4 ,the addition which1 in conjunction with ,m4 de ,francueil1 she had made to my salary1 was entirely of their own accord4 ,this year ,m4 de ,francueil1 whose friendship for me daily increased1 had it in his thoughts to place me more at ease1 and in a less precarious situation4 ,he was receiver-general of finance4 ,m4 ,dudoyer1 his cash-keeper1 was old and rich1 and wished to retire4 ,m4 de ,francueil offered me his place1 and to prepare myself for it1 ,i went during a few weeks1 to ,dudoyer1 to take the necessary instructions4 ,but whether my talents were ill-suited to the employment1 or that ,m4 ,dudoyer1 who ,i thought wished to procure his place for another1 was not in earnest in the instructions he gave me1 ,i acquired by slow degrees1 and very imperfectly1 the knowledge ,i was in want of1 and could never understand the nature of accounts1 rendered intricate1 perhaps designedly4 ,however1 without having possessed myself of the whole scope of the business1 ,i learned enough of the method to pursue it without the least difficulty2 ,i even entered on my new office2 ,i kept the cashbook and the cash2 ,i paid and received money1 took and gave receipts2 and although this business was so ill suited to my inclinations as to my abilities1 maturity of years beginning to render me sedate1 ,i was determined to conquer my disgust1 and entirely devote myself to my new employment4 ,unfortunately for me1 ,i had no sooner begun to proceed without difficulty1 than ,m4 de ,francueil took a little journey1 during which ,i remained intrusted with the cash1 which1 at that time1 did not amount to more than twenty-five to thirty thousand livres4 ,the anxiety of mind this sum of money occasioned me1 made me perceive ,i was very unfit to be a cash-keeper1 and ,i have no doubt but my uneasy situation1 during his absence1 contributed to the illness with which ,i was seized after his return4 ,i have observed in my first part that ,i was born in a dying state4 ,a defect in the bladder caused me1 during my early years1 to suffer an almost continual retention of urine1 and my ,aunt ,susan1 to whose care ,i was intrusted1 had inconceivable difficulty in preserving me4 ,however1 she succeeded1 and my robust constitution at length got the better of all my weakness1 and my health became so well established that except the illness from languor1 of which ,i have given an account1 and frequent heats in the bladder which the least heating of the blood rendered troublesome1 ,i arrived at the age of thirty almost without feeling my original infirmity4 ,the first time this happened was upon my arrival at ,venice4 ,the fatigue of the voyage1 and the extreme heat ,i had suffered1 renewed the burnings1 and gave me a pain in the loins1 which continued until the beginning of winter4 ,after having seen padoana1 ,i thought myself near the end of my career1 but ,i suffered not the least inconvenience4 ,after exhausting my imagination more than my body for my ,zulietta1 ,i enjoyed better health than ever4 ,it was not until after the imprisonment of ,diderot that the heat of blood1 brought on by my journeys to ,vincennes during the terrible heat of that summer1 gave me a violent nephritic colic1 since which ,i have never recovered my primitive good state of health4 ,at the time of which ,i speak1 having perhaps fatigued myself too much in the filthy work of the cursed receiver-general's office1 ,i fell into a worse state than ever1 and remained five or six weeks in my bed in the most melancholy state imaginable4 ,madam ,dupin sent me the celebrated ,morand who1 notwithstanding his address and the delicacy of his touch1 made me suffer the greatest torments4 ,he advised me to have recourse to ,daran1 who1 in fact gave me some relief3 but ,morand1 when he gave ,madam ,dupin an account of the state ,i was in1 declared to her ,i should not be alive in six months4 ,this afterwards came to my ear1 and made me reflect seriously on my situation and the folly of sacrificing the repose of the few days ,i had to live to the slavery of an employment for which ,i felt nothing but disgust4 ,besides1 how was it possible to reconcile the severe principles ,i had just adopted to a situation with which they had so little relation8 ,should not ,i1 the cash-keeper of a receiver-general of finances1 have preached poverty and disinterestedness with a very ill grace8 ,these ideas fermented so powerfully in my mind with the fever1 and were so strongly impressed1 that from that time nothing could remove them2 and1 during my convalescence1 ,i confirmed myself with the greatest coolness in the resolutions ,i had taken during my delirium4 ,i forever abandoned all projects of fortune and advancement1 resolved to pass in independence and poverty the little time ,i had to exist4 ,i made every effort of which my mind was capable to break the fetters of prejudice1 and courageously to do everything that was right without giving myself the least concern about the judgment of others4 ,the obstacles ,i had to combat1 and the efforts ,i made to triumph over them1 are inconceivable4 ,i succeeded as much as it was possible ,i should1 and to a greater degree than ,i myself had hoped for4 ,had ,i at the same time shaken off the yoke of friendship as well as that of prejudice1 my design would have been accomplished1 perhaps the greatest1 at least the most useful one to virtue1 that mortal ever conceived2 but whilst ,i despised the foolish judgments of the vulgar tribe called great and wise1 ,i suffered myself to be influenced and led by persons who called themselves my friends4 ,these1 hurt at seeing me walk alone in a new path1 while ,i seemed to take measures for my happiness1 used all their endeavors to render me ridiculous1 and that they might afterwards defame me1 first strove to make me contemptible4 ,it was less my literary fame than my personal reformation1 of which ,i here state the period1 that drew upon me their jealousy2 they perhaps might have pardoned me for having distinguished myself in the art of writing2 but they could never forgive my setting them1 by my conduct1 an example1 which1 in their eyes1 seemed to reflect on themselves4 ,i was born for friendship2 my mind and easy disposition nourished it without difficulty4 ,as long as ,i lived unknown to the public ,i was beloved by all my private acquaintance1 and ,i had not a single enemy4 ,but the moment ,i acquired literary fame1 ,i had no longer a friend4 ,this1 was a great misfortune2 but a still greater was that of being surrounded by people who called themselves my friends1 and used the rights attached to that sacred name to lead me on to destruction4 ,the succeeding part of these memoirs will explain this odious conspiracy4 ,i here speak of its origin1 and the manner of the first intrigue will shortly appear4 ,in the independence in which ,i lived1 it was1 however1 necessary to subsist4 ,to this effect ,i thought of very simple means3 which were copying music at so much a page4 ,if any employment more solid would have fulfilled the same end ,i would have taken it up2 but this occupation being to my taste1 and the only one which1 without personal attendance1 could procure me daily bread1 ,i adopted it4 ,thinking ,i had no longer need of foresight1 and1 stifling the vanity of cash-keeper to a financier1 ,i made myself a copyist of music4 ,i thought ,i had made an advantageous choice1 and of this ,i so little repented1 that ,i never quitted my new profession until ,i was forced to do it1 after taking a fixed resolution to return to it as soon as possible4 ,the success of my first discourse rendered the execution of this resolution more easy4 ,as soon as it had gained the premium1 ,diderot undertook to get it printed4 ,whilst ,i was in my bed1 he wrote me a note informing me of the publication and effect3 ,it takes1 said he1 beyond all imagination2 never was there an instance of a like success4 ,this favor of the public1 by no means solicited1 and to an unknown author1 gave me the first real assurance of my talents1 of which1 notwithstanding an internal sentiment1 ,i had always had my doubts4 ,i conceived the great advantage to be drawn from it in favor of the way of life ,i had determined to pursue2 and was of opinion1 that a copyist of some celebrity in the republic of letters was not likely to want employment4 ,the moment my resolution was confirmed1 ,i wrote a note to ,m4 de ,francueil1 communicating to him my intentions1 thanking him and ,madam ,dupin for all goodness1 and offering them my services in the way of my new profession4 ,francueil did not understand my note1 and1 thinking ,i was still in the delirium of fever1 hastened to my apartment2 but he found me so determined1 that all he could say to me was without the least effect4 ,he went to ,madam ,dupin1 and told her and everybody he met1 that ,i had become insane4 ,i let him say what he pleased1 and pursued the plan ,i had conceived4 ,i began the change in my dress2 ,i quitted laced clothes and white stockings2 ,i put on a round wig1 laid aside my sword1 and sold my watch2 saying to myself1 with inexpressible pleasure3 ,thank ,heaven6 ,i shall no longer want to know the hour6 ,m4 de ,francueil had the goodness to wait a considerable time before he disposed of my place4 ,at length perceiving me inflexibly resolved1 he gave it to ,m4 d',alibard1 formerly tutor to the young ,chenonceaux1 and known as a botanist by his ,flora ,parisiensis4 ,i doubt not but these circumstances are now differently related by ,m4 ,francueil and his consorts3 but ,i appeal to what he said of them at the time and long afterwards1 to everybody he knew1 until the forming of the conspiracy1 and of which men of common sense and honor1 must have preserved a remembrance4 ,however austere my sumptuary reform might be1 ,i did not at first extend it to my linen1 which was fine and in great quantity1 the remainder of my stock when at ,venice1 and to which ,i was particularly attached4 ,i had made it so much an object of cleanliness1 that it became one of luxury1 which was rather expensive4 ,some persons1 however1 did me the favor to deliver me from this servitude4 ,on ,christmas ,eve1 whilst the governesses were at vespers1 and ,i was at the spiritual concert1 the door of a garret1 in which all our linen was hung up after being washed1 was broken open4 ,everything was stolen2 and amongst other things1 forty-two of my shirts1 of very fine linen1 and which were the principal part of my stock4 ,by the manner in which the neighbors described a man whom they had seen come out of the hotel with several parcels whilst we were all absent1 ,theresa and myself suspected her brother1 whom we knew to be a worthless man4 ,the mother strongly endeavored to remove this suspicion1 but so many circumstances concurred to prove it to be well founded1 that1 notwithstanding all she could say1 our opinions remained still the same3 ,i dared not make a strict search for fear of finding more than ,i wished to do4 ,the brother never returned to the place where ,i lived1 and1 at length1 was no more heard of by any of us4 ,i was much grieved ,theresa and myself should be connected with such a family1 and ,i exhorted her more than ever to shake off so dangerous a yoke4 ,this adventure cured me of my inclination for fine linen1 and since that time all ,i have had has been very common1 and more suitable to the rest of my dress4 ,having thus completed the change of that which related to my person1 all my cares tendered to render it solid and lasting1 by striving to root out from my heart everything susceptible of receiving an impression from the judgment of men1 or which1 from the fear of blame1 might turn me aside from anything good and reasonable in itself4 ,in consequence of the success of my work1 my resolution made some noise in the world also1 and procured me employment2 so that ,i began my new profession with great appearance of success4 ,however1 several causes prevented me from succeeding in it to the same degree ,i should under any other circumstances have done4 ,in the first place my ill state of health4 ,the attack ,i had just had1 brought on consequences which prevented my ever being so well as ,i was before2 and ,i am of opinion1 the physicians1 to whose care ,i intrusted myself1 did me as much harm as my illness4 ,i was successively under the hands of ,morand1 ,daran1 ,helvetius1 ,malouin1 and ,thyerri3 men able in their profession1 and all of them my friends1 who treated me each according to his own manner1 without giving me the least relief1 and weakened me considerably4 ,the more ,i submitted to their direction1 the yellower1 thinner1 and weaker ,i became4 ,my imagination1 which they terrified1 judging of my situation by the effect of their drugs1 presented to me1 on this side of the tomb1 nothing but continued sufferings from the gravel1 stone1 and retention of urine4 ,everything which gave relief to others1 ptisans1 baths1 and bleeding1 increased my tortures4 ,perceiving the bougees of ,daran1 the only ones that had any favorable effect1 and without which ,i thought ,i could no longer exist1 to give me a momentary relief1 ,i procured a prodigious number of them1 that1 in case of ,daran's death1 ,i might never be at a loss4 ,during the eight or ten years in which ,i made such frequent use of these1 they must1 with what ,i had left1 have cost me fifty louis4 ,it will easily be judged1 that such expensive and painful means did not permit me to work without interruption2 and that a dying man is not ardently industrious in the business by which he gains his daily bread4 ,literary occupations caused another interruption not less prejudicial to my daily employment4 ,my discourse had no sooner appeared than the defenders of letters fell upon me as if they had agreed with each to do it4 ,my indignation was so raised at seeing so many blockheads1 who did not understand the question1 attempt to decide upon it imperiously1 that in my answer ,i gave some of them the worst of it4 ,one ,m4 ,gautier1 of ,nancy1 the first who fell under the lash of my pen1 was very roughly treated in a letter to ,m4 ,grimm4 ,the second was ,king ,stanislaus1 himself1 who did not disdain to enter the lists with me4 ,the honor he did me1 obliged me to change my manner in combating his opinions2 ,i made use of a graver style1 but not less nervous2 and without failing in respect to the author1 ,i completely refuted his work4 ,i knew a ,jesuit1 ,father de ,menou1 had been concerned in it4 ,i depended on my judgment to distinguish what was written by the prince1 from the production of the monk1 and falling without mercy upon all the jesuitical phrases1 ,i remarked1 as ,i went along1 an anachronism which ,i thought could come from nobody but the priest4 ,this composition1 which1 for what reason ,i knew not1 has been less spoken of than any of my other writings1 is the only one of its kind4 ,i seized the opportunity which offered of showing to the public in what manner an individual may defend the cause of truth even against a sovereign4 ,it is difficult to adopt a more dignified and respectful manner than that in which ,i answered him4 ,i had the happiness to have to do with an adversary to whom1 without adulation1 ,i could show every mark of the esteem of which my heart was full2 and this ,i did with success and a proper dignity4 ,my friends1 concerned for my safety1 imagined they already saw me in the ,bastile4 ,this apprehension never once entered my head1 and ,i was right in not being afraid4 ,the good prince1 after reading my answer1 said3 ,i have enough of at2 ,i will not return to the charge4 ,i have1 since that time received from him different marks of esteem and benevolence1 some of which ,i shall have occasion to speak of2 and what ,i had written was read in ,france1 and throughout ,europe1 without meeting the least censure4 ,in a little time ,i had another adversary whom ,i had not expected2 this was the same ,m4 ,bordes1 of ,lyons1 who ten years before had shown me much friendship1 and from whom ,i had received several services4 ,i had not forgotten him1 but had neglected him from idleness1 and had not sent him my writings for want of an opportunity1 without seeking for it1 to get them conveyed to his hands4 ,i was therefore in the wrong1 and he attacked me2 this1 however1 he did politely1 and ,i answered in the same manner4 ,he replied more decidedly4 ,this produced my last answer2 after which ,i heard no more from him upon the subject2 but he became my most violent enemy1 took the advantage of the time of my misfortunes1 to publish against me the most indecent libels1 and made a journey to ,london on purpose to do me an injury4 ,all this controversy employed me a good deal1 and caused me a great loss of my time in my copying1 without much contributing to the progress of truth1 or the good of my purse4 ,pissot1 at that time my bookseller1 gave me but little for my pamphlets1 frequently nothing at all1 and ,i never received a farthing for my first discourse4 ,diderot gave it him4 ,i was obliged to wait a long time for the little he gave me1 and to take it from him in the most trifling sums4 ,notwithstanding this1 my copying went on but slowly4 ,i had two things together upon my hands1 which was the most likely means of doing them both ill4 ,they were very opposite to each other in their effects by the different manners of living to which they rendered me subject4 ,the success of my first writings had given me celebrity4 ,my new situation excited curiosity4 ,everybody wished to know that whimsical man who sought not the acquaintance of any one1 and whose only desire was to live free and happy in the manner he had chosen2 this was sufficient to make the thing impossible to me4 ,my apartment was continually full of people1 who1 under different pretences1 came to take up my time4 ,the women employed a thousand artifices to engage me to dinner4 ,the more unpolite ,i was with people1 the more obstinate they became4 ,i could not refuse everybody4 ,while ,i made myself a thousand enemies by my refusals1 ,i was incessantly a slave to my complaisance1 and1 in whatever manner ,i made my engagements1 ,i had not an hour in a day to myself4 ,i then perceived it was not so easy to be poor and independent1 as ,i had imagined4 ,i wished to live by my profession3 the public would not suffer me to do it4 ,a thousand means were thought of to indemnify me for the time ,i lost4 ,the next thing would have been showing myself like ,punch1 at so much each person4 ,i knew no dependence more cruel and degrading than this4 ,i saw no other method of putting an end to it than refusing all kinds of presents1 great and small1 let them come from whom they would4 ,this had no other effect than to increase the number of givers1 who wished to have the honor of overcoming my resistance1 and to force me1 in spite of myself1 to be under an obligation to them4 ,many1 who would not have given me half-a-crown had ,i asked it from them1 incessantly importuned me with their offers1 and1 in revenge for my refusal1 taxed me with arrogance and ostentation4 ,it will naturally be conceived that the resolutions ,i had taken1 and the system ,i wished to follow1 were not agreeable to ,madam le ,vasseur4 ,all the disinterestedness of the daughter did not prevent her from following the directions of her mother2 and the governesses1 as ,gauffecourt called them1 were not always so steady in their refusals as ,i was4 ,although many things were concealed from me1 ,i perceived so many as were necessary to enable me to judge that ,i did not see all1 and this tormented me less by the accusation of connivance1 which it was so easy for me to foresee1 than by the cruel idea of never being master in my own apartments1 nor even of my own person4 ,i prayed1 conjured1 and became angry1 all to no purpose2 the mother made me pass for an eternal grumbler1 and a man who was peevish and ungovernable4 ,she held perpetual whisperings with my friends2 everything in my little family was mysterious and a secret to me2 and1 that ,i might not incessantly expose myself to noisy quarrelling1 ,i no longer dared to take notice of what passed in it4 ,a firmness of which ,i was not capable1 would have been necessary to withdraw me from this domestic strife4 ,i knew how to complain1 but not how to act3 they suffered me to say what ,i pleased1 and continued to act as they thought proper4 ,this constant teasing1 and the daily importunities to which ,i was subject1 rendered the house1 and my residence at ,paris1 disagreeable to me4 ,when my indisposition permitted me to go out1 and ,i did not suffer myself to be led by my acquaintance first to one place and then to another1 ,i took a walk1 alone1 and reflected on my grand system1 something of which ,i committed to paper1 bound up between two covers1 which1 with a pencil1 ,i always had in my pocket4 ,in this manner1 the unforeseen disagreeableness of a situation ,i had chosen entirely led me back to literature1 to which unsuspectedly ,i had recourse as a means of releaving my mind1 and thus1 in the first works ,i wrote1 ,i introduced the peevishness and ill-humor which were the cause of my undertaking them4 ,there was another circumstance which contributed not a little to this2 thrown into the world despite of myself1 without having the manners of it1 or being in a situation to adopt and conform myself to them1 ,i took it into my head to adopt others of my own1 to enable me to dispense with those of society4 ,my foolish timidity1 which ,i could not conquer1 having for principle the fear of being wanting in the common forms1 ,i took1 by way of encouraging myself1 a resolution to tread them under foot4 ,i became sour and cynic from shame1 and affected to despise the politeness which ,i knew not how to practice4 ,this austerity1 conformable to my new principles1 ,i must confess1 seemed to ennoble itself in my mind2 it assumed in my eyes the form of the intrepidity of virtue1 and ,i dare assert it to be upon this noble basis1 that it supported itself longer and better than could have been expected from anything so contrary to my nature4 ,yet1 not withstanding1 ,i had the name of a misanthrope1 which my exterior appearance and some happy expressions had given me in the world3 it is certain ,i did not support the character well in private1 that my friends and acquaintance led this untractable bear about like a lamb1 and that1 confining my sarcasms to severe but general truths1 ,i was never capable of saying an uncivil thing to any person whatsoever4 ,the ',devin du ,village' brought me completely into vogue1 and presently after there was not a man in ,paris whose company was more sought after than mine4 ,the history of this piece1 which is a kind of era in my life1 is joined with that of the connections ,i had at that time4 ,i must enter a little into particulars to make what is to follow the better understood4 ,i had a numerous acquaintance1 yet no more than two friends3 ,diderot and ,grimm4 ,by an effect of the desire ,i have ever felt to unite everything that is dear to me1 ,i was too much a friend to both not to make them shortly become so to each other4 ,i connected them3 they agreed well together1 and shortly become more intimate with each other than with me4 ,diderot had a numerous acquaintance1 but ,grimm1 a stranger and a new-comer1 had his to procure1 and with the greatest pleasure ,i procured him all ,i could4 ,i had already given him ,diderot4 ,i afterwards brought him acquainted with ,gauffecourt4 ,i introduced him to ,madam ,chenonceaux1 ,madam ,d',epinay1 and the ,baron d',holbach2 with whom ,i had become connected almost in spite of myself4 ,all my friends became his3 this was natural3 but not one of his ever became mine2 which was inclining to the contrary4 ,whilst he yet lodged at the house of the ,comte de ,friese1 he frequently gave us dinners in his apartment1 but ,i never received the least mark of friendship from the ,comte de ,friese1 ,comte de ,schomberg1 his relation1 very familiar with ,grimm1 nor from any other person1 man or woman1 with whom ,grimm1 by their means1 had any connection4 ,i except the ,abbe ,raynal1 who1 although his friend1 gave proofs of his being mine2 and in cases of need1 offered me his purse with a generosity not very common4 ,but ,i knew the ,abbe ,raynal long before ,grimm had any acquaintance with him1 and had entertained a great regard for him on account of his delicate and honorable behavior to me upon a slight occasion1 which ,i shall never forget4 ,the ,abbe ,raynal is certainly a warm friend2 of this ,i saw a proof1 much about the time of which ,i speak1 with respect to ,grimm himself1 with whom he was very intimate4 ,grimm1 after having been sometime on a footing of friendship with ,mademoiselle ,fel1 fell violently in love with her1 and wished to supplant ,cahusac4 ,the young lady1 piquing herself on her constancy1 refused her new admirer4 ,he took this so much to heart1 that the appearance of his affliction became tragical4 ,he suddenly fell into the strangest state imaginable4 ,he passed days and nights in a continued lethargy4 ,he lay with his eyes open2 and although his pulse continued to beat regularly1 without speaking1 eating1 or stirring1 yet sometimes seeming to hear what was said to him1 but never answering1 not even by a sign1 and remaining almost as immovable as if he had been dead1 yet without agitation1 pain1 or fever4 ,the ,abbe ,raynal and myself watched over him2 the abbe1 more robust1 and in better health than ,i was1 by night1 and ,i by day1 without ever both being absent at one time4 ,the ,comte de ,friese was alarmed1 and brought to him ,senac1 who1 after having examined the state in which he was1 said there was nothing to apprehend1 and took his leave without giving a prescription4 ,my fears for my friend made me carefully observe the countenance of the physician1 and ,i perceived him smile as he went away4 ,however1 the patient remained several days almost motionless1 without taking anything except a few preserved cherries1 which from time to time ,i put upon his tongue1 and which he swallowed without difficulty4 ,at length he1 one morning1 rose1 dressed himself1 and returned to his usual way of life1 without either at that time or afterwards speaking to me or the ,abbe ,raynal1 at least that ,i know of1 or to any other person1 of this singular lethargy1 or the care we had taken of him during the time it lasted4 ,the affair made a noise1 and it would really have been a wonderful circumstance had the cruelty of an opera girl made a man die of despair4 ,this strong passion brought ,grimm into vogue2 he was soon considered as a prodigy in love1 friendship1 and attachments of every kind4 ,such an opinion made his company sought after1 and procured him a good reception in the first circles2 by which means he separated from me1 with whom he was never inclined to associate when he could do it with anybody else4 ,i perceived him to be on the point of breaking with me entirely2 for the lively and ardent sentiments1 of which he made a parade1 were those which with less noise and pretensions1 ,i had really conceived for him4 ,i was glad he succeeded in the world2 but ,i did not wish him to do this by forgetting his friend4 ,i one day said to him3 ,grimm1 you neglect me1 and ,i forgive you for it4 ,when the first intoxication of your success is over1 and you begin to perceive a void in your enjoyments1 ,i hope you will return to your friend1 whom you will always find in the same sentiments2 at present do not constrain yourself1 ,i leave you at liberty to act as you please1 and wait your leisure4 ,he said ,i was right1 made his arrangements in consequence1 and shook off all restraint1 so that ,i saw no more of him except in company with our common friends4 ,our chief rendezvous1 before he was connected with ,madam d',epinay as he afterwards became1 was at the house of ,baron d',holbach4 ,this said baron was the son of a man who had raised himself from obscurity4 ,his fortune was considerable1 and he used it nobly1 receiving at his house men of letters and merit3 and1 by the knowledge he himself had acquired1 was very worthy of holding a place amongst them4 ,having been long attached to ,diderot1 he endeavored to become acquainted with me by his means1 even before my name was known to the world4 ,a natural repugnancy prevented me a long time from answering his advances4 ,one day1 when he asked me the reason of my unwillingness1 ,i told him he was too rich4 ,he was1 however1 resolved to carry his point1 and at length succeeded4 ,my greatest misfortune proceeded from my being unable to resist the force of marked attention4 ,i have ever had reason to repent of having yielded to it4 ,another acquaintance which1 as soon as ,i had any pretensions to it1 was converted into friendship1 was that of ,m4 ,duclos4 ,i had several years before seen him1 for the first time1 at the ,chevrette1 at the house of ,madam d',epinay1 with whom he was upon very good terms4 ,on that day we only dined together1 and he returned to town in the afternoon4 ,but we had a conversation of a few moments after dinner4 ,madam d',epinay had mentioned me to him1 and my opera of the ',muses ,gallantes'4 ,duclos1 endowed with too great talents not to be a friend to those in whom the like were found1 was prepossessed in my favor1 and invited me to go and see him4 ,notwithstanding my former wish1 increased by an acquaintance1 ,i was withheld by my timidity and indolence1 as long as ,i had no other passport to him than his complaisance4 ,but encouraged by my first success1 and by his eulogiums1 which reached my ears1 ,i went to see him2 he returned my visit1 and thus began the connection between us1 which will ever render him dear to me4 ,by him1 as well as from the testimony of my own heart1 ,i learned that uprightness and probity may sometimes be connected with the cultivation of letters4 ,many other connections less solid1 and which ,i shall not here particularize1 were the effects of my first success1 and lasted until curiosity was satisfied4 ,i was a man so easily known1 that on the next day nothing new was to be discovered in me4 ,however1 a woman1 who at that time was desirous of my acquaintance1 became much more solidly attached to me than any of those whose curiosity ,i had excited3 this was the ,marchioness of ,crequi1 niece to ,m4 le ,bailli de ,froulay1 ambassador from ,malta1 whose brother had preceded ,m4 de ,montaigu in the embassy to ,venice1 and whom ,i had gone to see on my return from that city4 ,madam de ,crequi wrote to me3 ,i visited her3 she received me into her friendship4 ,i sometimes dined with her4 ,i met at her table several men of letters1 amongst others ,m4 ,saurin1 the author of ,spartacus1 ,barnevelt1 etc41 since become my implacable enemy2 for no other reason1 at least that ,i can imagine1 than my bearing the name of a man whom his father has cruelly persecuted4 ,it will appear that for a copyist1 who ought to be employed in his business from morning till night1 ,i had many interruptions1 which rendered my days not very lucrative1 and prevented me from being sufficiently attentive to what ,i did to do it well2 for which reason1 half the time ,i had to myself was lost in erasing errors or beginning my sheet anew4 ,this daily importunity rendered ,paris more unsupportable1 and made me ardently wish to be in the country4 ,i several times went to pass a few days at ,mercoussis1 the vicar of which was known to ,madam le ,vasseur1 and with whom we all arranged ourselves in such a manner as not to make things disagreeable to him4 ,grimm once went thither with us4 ,since ,i have neglected to relate here a trifling1 but memorable adventure ,i had with the said ,grimm one day1 on which we were to dine at the fountain of ,st4 ,vandrille1 ,i will let it pass3 but when ,i thought of it afterwards1 ,i concluded that he was brooding in his heart the conspiracy he has1 with so much success1 since carried into execution4 ,the vicar had a tolerable voice1 sung well1 and1 although he did not read music1 learned his part with great facility and precision4 ,we passed our time in singing the trios ,i had composed at ,chenonceaux4 ,to these ,i added two or three new ones1 to the words ,grimm and the vicar wrote1 well or ill4 ,i cannot refrain from regretting these trios composed and sung in moments of pure joy1 and which ,i left at ,wootton1 with all my music4 ,mademoiselle ,davenport has perhaps curled her hair with them2 but they are worthy of being preserved1 and are1 for the most part1 of very good counterpoint4 ,it was after one of these little excursions in which ,i had the pleasure of seeing the aunt at her ease and very cheerful1 and in which my spirits were much enlivened1 that ,i wrote to the vicar very rapidly and very ill1 an epistle in verse which will be found amongst my papers4 ,i had nearer to ,paris another station much to my liking with ,m4 ,mussard1 my countryman1 relation and friend1 who at ,passy had made himself a charming retreat1 where ,i have passed some very peaceful moments4 ,m4 ,mussard was a jeweller1 a man of good sense1 who1 after having acquired a genteel fortune1 had given his only daughter in marriage to ,m4 de ,valmalette1 the son of an exchange broker1 and maitre d'hotel to the king1 took the wise resolution to quit business in his declining years1 and to place an interval of repose and enjoyment between the hurry and the end of life4 ,the good man ,mussard1 a real philosopher in practice1 lived without care1 in a very pleasant house which he himself had built in a very pretty garden1 laid out with his own hands4 ,in digging the terraces of this garden he found fossil shells1 and in such great quantities that his lively imagination saw nothing but shells in nature4 ,he really thought the universe was composed of shells and the remains of shells1 and that the whole earth was only the sand of these in different stratae4 ,his attention thus constantly engaged with his singular discoveries1 his imagination became so heated with the ideas they gave him1 that1 in his head1 they would soon have been converted into a system1 that is into folly1 if1 happily for his reason1 but unfortunately for his friends1 to whom he was dear1 and to whom his house was an agreeable asylum1 a most cruel and extraordinary disease had not put an end to his existence4 ,a constantly increasing tumor in his stomach prevented him from eating1 long before the cause of it was discovered1 and1 after several years of suffering1 absolutely occasioned him to die of hunger4 ,i can never1 without the greatest affliction of mind1 call to my recollection the last moments of this worthy man1 who still received with so much pleasure ,leneips and myself1 the only friends whom the sight of his sufferings did not separate from him until his last hour1 when he was reduced to devouring with his eyes the repasts he had placed before us1 scarcely having the power of swallowing a few drops of weak tea1 which came up again a moment afterwards4 ,but before these days of sorrow1 how many have ,i passed at his house1 with the chosen friends he had made himself6 ,at the head of the list ,i place the ,abbe ,prevot1 a very amiable man1 and very sincere1 whose heart vivified his writings1 worthy of immortality1 and who1 neither in his disposition nor in society1 had the least of the melancholy coloring he gave to his works4 ,procope1 the physician1 a little ,esop1 a favorite with the ladies2 ,boulanger1 the celebrated posthumous author of ',despotisme ,oriental'1 and who1 ,i am of opinion1 extended the systems of ,mussard on the duration of the world4 ,the female part of his friends consisted of ,madam ,denis1 niece to ,voltaire1 who1 at that time1 was nothing more than a good kind of woman1 and pretended not to wit3 ,madam ,vanloo1 certainly not handsome1 but charming1 and who sang like an angel3 ,madam de ,valmalette1 herself1 who sang also1 and who1 although very thin1 would have been very amiable had she had fewer pretensions4 ,such1 or very nearly such1 was the society of ,m4 ,mussard1 with which ,i should had been much pleased1 had not his conchyliomania more engaged my attention2 and ,i can say1 with great truth1 that1 for upwards of six months1 ,i worked with him in his cabinet with as much pleasure as he felt himself4 ,he had long insisted upon the virtue of the waters of ,passy1 that they were proper in my case1 and recommended me to come to his house to drink them4 ,to withdraw myself from the tumult of the city1 ,i at length consented1 and went to pass eight or ten days at ,passy1 which1 on account of my being in the country1 were of more service to me than the waters ,i drank during my stay there4 ,mussard played the violincello1 and was passionately found of ,italian music4 ,this was the subject of a long conversation we had one evening after supper1 particularly the 'opera-buffe' we had both seen in ,italy1 and with which we were highly delighted4 ,my sleep having forsaken me in the night1 ,i considered in what manner it would be possible to give in ,france an idea of this kind of drama4 ,the ',amours de ,ragonde' did not in the least resemble it4 ,in the morning1 whilst ,i took my walk and drank the waters1 ,i hastily threw together a few couplets to which ,i adapted such airs as occurred to me at the moments4 ,i scribbled over what ,i had composed1 in a kind of vaulted saloon at the end of the garden1 and at tea4 ,i could not refrain from showing the airs to ,mussard and to ,mademoiselle du ,vernois1 his 'gouvernante'1 who was a very good and amiable girl4 ,three pieces of composition ,i had sketched out were the first monologue3 ',j'ai perdu mon serviteur2'--the air of the ,devin2 ',l'amour croit s'il s'inquiete2' and the last duo3 ',a jamais1 ,colin1 je t'engage1 etc4' ,i was so far from thinking it worth while to continue what ,i had begun1 that1 had it not been for the applause and encouragement ,i received from both ,mussard and ,mademoiselle1 ,i should have thrown my papers into the fire and thought no more of their contents1 as ,i had frequently done by things of much the same merit2 but ,i was so animated by the encomiums ,i received1 that in six days1 my drama1 excepting a few couplets1 was written4 ,the music also was so far sketched out1 that all ,i had further to do to it after my return from ,paris1 was to compose a little of the recitative1 and to add the middle parts1 the whole of which ,i finished with so much rapidity1 that in three weeks my work was ready for representation4 ,the only thing now wanting1 was the divertissement1 which was not composed until a long time afterwards4 ,my imagination was so warmed by the composition of this work that ,i had the strongest desire to hear it performed1 and would have given anything to have seen and heard the whole in the manner ,i should have chosen1 which would have been that of ,lully1 who is said to have had ',armide' performed for himself only4 ,as it was not possible ,i should hear the performance unaccompanied by the public1 ,i could not see the effect of my piece without getting it received at the opera4 ,unfortunately it was quite a new species of composition1 to which the ears of the public were not accustomed2 and besides the ill success of the ',muses ,gallantes' gave too much reason to fear for the ,devin1 if ,i presented it in my own name4 ,duclos relieved me from this difficulty1 and engaged to get the piece rehearsed without mentioning the author4 ,that ,i might not discover myself1 ,i did not go to the rehearsal1 and the ',petits violons'1 by whom it was directed1 knew not who the author was until after a general plaudit had borne the testimony of the work4 ,rebel and ,frauneur1 who1 when they were very young1 went together from house to house playing on the violin1 were so called4 ,everybody present was so delighted with it1 that1 on the next day1 nothing else was spoken of in the different companies4 ,m4 de ,cury1 ,intendant des ,menus1 who was present at the rehearsal1 demanded the piece to have it performed at court4 ,duclos1 who knew my intentions1 and thought ,i should be less master of my work at the court than at ,paris1 refused to give it4 ,cury claimed it authoratively4 ,duclos persisted in his refusal1 and the dispute between them was carried to such a length1 that one day they would have gone out from the opera-house together had they not been separated4 ,m4 de ,cury applied to me1 and ,i referred him to ,duclos4 ,this made it necessary to return to the latter4 ,the ,duke d',aumont interfered2 and at length ,duclos thought proper to yield to authority1 and the piece was given to be played at ,fontainebleau4 ,the part to which ,i had been most attentive1 and in which ,i had kept at the greatest distance from the common track1 was the recitative4 ,mine was accented in a manner entirely new1 and accompanied the utterance of the word4 ,the directors dared not suffer this horrid innovation to pass1 lest it should shock the ears of persons who never judge for themselves4 ,another recitative was proposed by ,francueil and ,jelyotte1 to which ,i consented2 but refused at the same time to have anything to do with it myself4 ,when everything was ready and the day of performance fixed1 a proposition was made me to go to ,fontainebleau1 that ,i might at least be at the last rehearsal4 ,i went with ,mademoiselle ,fel1 ,grimm1 and ,i think the ,abbe ,raynal1 in one of the stages to the court4 ,the rehearsal was tolerable3 ,i was more satisfied with it than ,i expected to have been4 ,the orchestra was numerous1 composed of the orchestras of the opera and the king's band4 ,jelyotte played ,colin1 ,mademoiselle ,fel1 ,colette1 ,cuvillier the ,devin3 the choruses were those of the opera4 ,i said but little2 ,jelyotte had prepared everything2 ,i was unwilling either to approve of or censure what he had done2 and notwithstanding ,i had assumed the air of an old ,roman1 ,i was1 in the midst of so many people1 as bashful as a schoolboy4 ,the next morning1 the day of performance1 ,i went to breakfast at the coffee-house 'du grand commun'1 where ,i found a great number of people4 ,the rehearsal of the preceding evening1 and the difficulty of getting into the theatre1 were the subjects of conversation4 ,an officer present said he entered with the greatest ease1 gave a long account of what had passed1 described the author1 and related what he had said and done2 but what astonished me most in this long narrative1 given with as much assurance as simplicity1 was that it did not contain a syllable of truth4 ,it was clear to me that he who spoke so positively of the rehearsal had not been at it1 because1 without knowing him1 he had before his eyes that author whom he said he had seen and examined so minutely4 ,however1 what was more singular still in this scene1 was its effect upon me4 ,the officer was a man rather in years1 he had nothing of the appearance of a coxcomb2 his features appeared to announce a man of merit2 and his cross of ,saint ,louis1 an officer of long standing4 ,he interested me3 notwithstanding his impudence4 ,whilst he uttered his lies1 ,i blushed1 looked down1 and was upon thorns2 ,i1 for some time1 endeavored within myself to find the means of believing him to be in an involuntary error4 ,at length1 trembling lest some person should know me1 and by this means confound him1 ,i hastily drank my chocolate1 without saying a word1 and1 holding down my head1 ,i passed before him1 got out of the coffee-house as soon as possible1 whilst the company were making their remarks upon the relation that had been given4 ,i was no sooner in the street than ,i was in a perspiration1 and had anybody known and named me before ,i left the room1 ,i am certain all the shame and embarrassment of a guilty person would have appeared in my countenance1 proceeding from what ,i felt the poor man would have had to have suffered had his lie been discovered4 ,i come to one of the critical moments of my life1 in which it is difficult to do anything more than to relate1 because it is almost impossible that even narrative should not carry with it the marks of censure or apology4 ,i will1 however1 endeavor to relate how and upon what motives ,i acted1 with out adding either approbation or censure4 ,i was on that day in the same careless undress as usual1 with a long beard and wig badly combed4 ,considering this want of decency as an act of courage1 ,i entered the theatre wherein the king1 queen1 the royal family1 and the whole court were to enter immediately after4 ,i was conducted to a box by ,m4 de ,cury1 and which belonged to him4 ,it was very spacious1 upon the stage and opposite to a lesser1 but more elevated one1 in which the king sat with ,madam de ,pompadour4 ,as ,i was surrounded by women1 and the only man in front of the box1 ,i had no doubt of my having been placed there purposely to be exposed to view4 ,as soon as the theatre was lighted up1 finding ,i was in the midst of people all extremely well dressed1 ,i began to be less at my ease1 and asked myself if ,i was in my place8 whether or not ,i was properly dressed8 ,after a few minutes of inquietude3 ,yes1 replied ,i1 with an intrepidity which perhaps proceeded more from the impossibility of retracting than the force of all my reasoning1 ,i am in my place1 because ,i am going to see my own piece performed1 to which ,i have been invited1 for which reason only ,i am come here2 and after all1 no person has a greater right than ,i have to reap the fruit of my labor and talents2 ,i am dressed as usual1 neither better nor worse2 and if ,i once begin to subject myself to public opinion1 ,i shall shortly become a slave to it in everything4 ,to be always consistent with myself1 ,i ought not to blush1 in any place whatever1 at being dressed in a manner suitable to the state ,i have chosen4 ,my exterior appearance is simple1 but neither dirty nor slovenly2 nor is a beard either of these in itself1 because it is given us by nature1 and according to time1 place and custom1 is sometimes an ornament4 ,people think ,i am ridiculous1 nay1 even absurd2 but what signifies this to me8 ,i ought to know how to bear censure and ridicule1 provided ,i do not deserve them4 ,after this little soliloquy ,i became so firm that1 had it been necessary1 ,i could have been intrepid4 ,but whether it was the effect of the presence of his majesty1 or the natural disposition of those about me1 ,i perceived nothing but what was civil and obliging in the curiosity of which ,i was the object4 ,this so much affected me that ,i began to be uneasy for myself1 and the fate of my piece2 fearing ,i should efface the favorable prejudices which seemed to lead to nothing but applause4 ,i was armed against raillery2 but1 so far overcome1 by the flattering and obliging treatment ,i had not expected1 that ,i trembled like a child when the performance was begun4 ,i had soon sufficient reason to be encouraged4 ,the piece was very ill played with respect to the actors1 but the musical part was well sung and executed4 ,during the first scene1 which was really of a delightful simplicity1 ,i heard in the boxes a murmur of surprise and applause1 which1 relative to pieces of the same kind1 had never yet happened4 ,the fermentation was soon increased to such a degree as to be perceptible through the whole audience1 and of which1 to speak--after the manner of ,montesquieu--the effect was augmented by itself4 ,in the scene between the two good little folks1 this effect was complete4 ,there is no clapping of hands before the king2 therefore everything was heard1 which was advantageous to the author and the piece4 ,i heard about me a whispering of women1 who appeared as beautiful as angels4 ,they said to each other in a low voice3 ,this is charming3 ,that is ravishing3 ,there is not a sound which does not go to the heart4 ,the pleasure of giving this emotion to so many amiable persons moved me to tears2 and these ,i could not contain in the first duo1 when ,i remarked that ,i was not the only person who wept4 ,i collected myself for a moment1 on recollecting the concert of ,m4 de ,treitorens4 ,this reminiscence had the effect of the slave who held the crown over the head of the general who triumphed1 but my reflection was short1 and ,i soon abandoned myself without interruption to the pleasure of enjoying my success4 ,however1 ,i am certain the voluptuousness of the sex was more predominant than the vanity of the author1 and had none but men been present1 ,i certainly should not have had the incessant desire ,i felt of catching on my lips the delicious tears ,i had caused to flow4 ,i have known pieces excite more lively admiration1 but ,i never saw so complete1 delightful1 and affecting an intoxication of the senses reign1 during a whole representation1 especially at court1 and at a first performance4 ,they who saw this must recollect it1 for it has never yet been equalled4 ,the same evening the ,duke d' ,aumont sent to desire me to be at the palace the next day at eleven o'clock1 when he would present me to the king4 ,m4 de ,cury1 who delivered me the message1 added that he thought a pension was intended1 and that his majesty wished to announce it to me himself4 ,will it be believed that the night of so brilliant a day was for me a night of anguish and perplexity8 ,my first idea1 after that of being presented1 was that of my frequently wanting to retire2 this had made me suffer very considerably at the theatre1 and might torment me the next day when ,i should be in the gallery1 or in the king's apartment1 amongst all the great1 waiting for the passing of his majesty4 ,my infirmity was the principal cause which prevented me from mixing in polite companies1 and enjoying the conversation of the fair4 ,the idea alone of the situation in which this want might place me1 was sufficient to produce it to such a degree as to make me faint away1 or to recur to means to which1 in my opinion1 death was much preferable4 ,none but persons who are acquainted with this situation can judge of the horror which being exposed to the risk of it inspires4 ,i then supposed myself before the king1 presented to his majesty1 who deigned to stop and speak to me4 ,in this situation1 justness of expression and presence of mind were peculiarly necessary in answering4 ,would my timidity which disconcerts me in presence of any stranger whatever1 have been shaken off in presence of the ,king of ,france2 or would it have suffered me instantly to make choice of proper expressions8 ,i wished1 without laying aside the austere manner ,i had adopted1 to show myself sensible of the honor done me by so great a monarch1 and in a handsome and merited eulogium to convey some great and useful truth4 ,i could not prepare a suitable answer without exactly knowing what his majesty was to say to me2 and had this been the case1 ,i was certain that1 in his presence1 ,i should not recollect a word of what ,i had previously meditated4 ,what1 said ,i1 will become of me in this moment1 and before the whole court1 if1 in my confusion1 any of my stupid expressions should escape me8 ,this danger alarmed and terrified me4 ,i trembled to such a degree that at all events ,i was determined not to expose myself to it4 ,i lost1 it is true1 the pension which in some measure was offered me2 but ,i at the same time exempted myself from the yoke it would have imposed4 ,adieu1 truth1 liberty1 and courage6 ,how should ,i afterwards have dared to speak of disinterestedness and independence8 ,had ,i received the pension ,i must either have become a flatterer or remained silent2 and1 moreover1 who would have insured to me the payment of it6 ,what steps should ,i have been under the necessity of taking6 ,how many people must ,i have solicited6 ,i should have had more trouble and anxious cares in preserving than in doing without it4 ,therefore1 ,i thought ,i acted according to my principles by refusing1 and sacrificing appearances to reality4 ,i communicated my resolution to ,grimm1 who said nothing against it4 ,to others ,i alleged my ill state of health1 and left the court in the morning4 ,my departure made some noise1 and was generally condemned4 ,my reasons could not be known to everybody1 it was therefore easy to accuse me of foolish pride1 and thus not irritate the jealousy of such as felt they would not have acted as ,i had done4 ,the next day ,jelyotte wrote me a note1 in which he stated the success of my piece1 and the pleasure it had afforded the king4 ,all day long1 said he1 his majesty sings1 with the worst voice in his kingdom3 ',j'ai perdu mon serviteur3 ,j'ai perdu tout mon bonheur4' ,he likewise added1 that in a fortnight the ,devin was to be performed a second time2 which confirmed in the eyes of the public the complete success of the first4 ,two days afterwards1 about nine o'clock in the evening1 as ,i was going to sup with ,madam ,d',epinay1 ,i perceived a hackney-coach pass by the door4 ,somebody within made a sign to me to approach4 ,i did so1 and got into it1 and found the person to be ,diderot4 ,he spoke of the pension with more warmth than1 upon such a subject1 ,i should have expected from a philosopher4 ,he did not blame me for having been unwilling to be presented to the king1 but severely reproached me with my indifference about the pension4 ,he observed that although on my own account ,i might be disinterested1 ,i ought not to be so on that of ,madam ,vasseur and her daughter2 that it was my duty to seize every means of providing for their subsistence2 and that as1 after all1 it could not be said ,i had refused the pension1 he maintained ,i ought1 since the king seemed disposed to grant it to me1 to solicit and obtain it by one means or another4 ,although ,i was obliged to him for his good wishes1 ,i could not relish his maxims1 which produced a warm dispute1 the first ,i ever had with him4 ,all our disputes were of this kind1 he prescribing to me what he pretended ,i ought to do1 and ,i defending myself because ,i was of a different opinion4 ,it was late when we parted4 ,i would have taken him to supper at ,madam d' ,epinay's1 but he refused to go2 and1 notwithstanding all the efforts which at different times the desire of uniting those ,i love induced me to make1 to prevail upon him to see her1 even that of conducting her to his door which he kept shut against us1 he constantly refused to do it1 and never spoke of her but with the utmost contempt4 ,it was not until after ,i had quarrelled with both that they became acquainted and that he began to speak honorably of her4 ,from this time ,diderot and ,grimm seemed to have undertaken to alienate from me the governesses1 by giving them to understand that if they were not in easy circumstances the fault was my own1 and that they never would be so with me4 ,they endeavored to prevail on them to leave me1 promising them the privilege for retailing salt1 a snuff shop1 and ,i know not what other advantages by means of the influence of ,madam d' ,epinay4 ,they likewise wished to gain over ,duclos and d',holbach1 but the former constantly refused their proposals4 ,i had at the time some intimation of what was going forward1 but ,i was not fully acquainted with the whole until long afterwards2 and ,i frequently had reason to lament the effects of the blind and indiscreet zeal of my friends1 who1 in my ill state of health1 striving to reduce me to the most melancholy solitude1 endeavored1 as they imagined1 to render me happy by the means which1 of all others1 were the most proper to make me miserable4 ,in the carnival following the conclusion of the year #agec1 the ,devin was performed at ,paris1 and in this interval ,i had sufficient time to compose the overture and divertissement4 ,this divertissement1 such as it stands engraved1 was to be in action from the beginning to the end1 and in a continued subject1 which in my opinion1 afforded very agreeable representations4 ,but when ,i proposed this idea at the opera-house1 nobody would so much as hearken to me1 and ,i was obliged to tack together music and dances in the usual manner3 on this account the divertissement1 although full of charming ideas which do not diminish the beauty of scenes1 succeeded but very middlingly4 ,i suppressed the recitative of ,jelyotte1 and substituted my own1 such as ,i had first composed it1 and as it is now engraved2 and this recitative a little after the ,french manner1 ,i confess1 drawled out1 instead of pronounced by the actors1 far from shocking the ears of any person1 equally succeeded with the airs1 and seemed in the judgment of the public to possess as much musical merit4 ,i dedicated my piece to ,duclos1 who had given it his protection1 and declared it should be my only dedication4 ,i have1 however1 with his consent1 written a second2 but he must have thought himself more honored by the exception1 than if ,i had not written a dedication to any person4 ,i could relate many anecdotes concerning this piece1 but things of greater importance prevent me from entering into a detail of them at present4 ,i shall perhaps resume the subject in a supplement4 ,there is however one which ,i cannot omit1 as it relates to the greater part of what is to follow4 ,i one day examined the music of ,d',holbach1 in his closet4 ,after having looked over many different kinds1 he said1 showing me a collection of pieces for the harpsichord3 ,these were composed for me2 they are full of taste and harmony1 and unknown to everybody but myself4 ,you ought to make a selection from them for your divertissement4 ,having in my head more subjects of airs and symphonies than ,i could make use of1 ,i was not the least anxious to have any of his4 ,however1 he pressed me so much1 that1 from a motive of complaisance1 ,i chose a ,pastoral1 which ,i abridged and converted into a trio1 for the entry of the companions of ,colette4 ,some months afterwards1 and whilst the ,devin still continued to be performed1 going into ,grimms ,i found several people about his harpsichord1 whence he hastily rose on my arrival4 ,as ,i accidently looked toward his music stand1 ,i there saw the same collection of the ,baron d',holbach1 opened precisely at the piece he had prevailed upon me to take1 assuring me at the same time that it should never go out of his hands4 ,some time afterwards1 ,i again saw the collection open on the harpischord of ,m4 d',papinay1 one day when he gave a little concert4 ,neither ,grimm1 nor anybody else1 ever spoke to me of the air1 and my reason for mentioning it here is that some time afterwards1 a rumor was spread that ,i was not the author of ,devin4 ,as ,i never made a great progress in the practical part1 ,i am persuaded that had it not been for my dictionary of music1 it would in the end have been said ,i did not understand composition4 ,sometime before the ',devin du ,village' was performed1 a company of ,italian ,bouffons had arrived at ,paris1 and were ordered to perform at the opera-house1 without the effect they would produce there being foreseen4 ,although they were detestable1 and the orchestra1 at that time very ignorant1 mutilated at will the pieces they gave1 they did the ,french opera an injury that will never be repaired4 ,the comparison of these two kinds of music1 heard the same evening in the same theatre1 opened the ears of the ,french2 nobody could endure their languid music after the marked and lively accents of ,italian composition2 and the moment the ,bouffons had done1 everybody went away4 ,the managers were obliged to change the order of representation1 and let the performance of the ,bouffons be the last4 ',egle ,pigmalion' and 'le ,sylphe' were successively given3 nothing could bear the comparison4 ,the ',devin du ,village' was the only piece that did it1 and this was still relished after 'la ,serva ,padrona'4 ,when ,i composed my interlude1 my head was filled with these pieces1 and they gave me the first idea of it3 ,i was1 however1 far from imagining they would one day be passed in review by the side of my composition4 ,had ,i been a plagiarist1 how many pilferings would have been manifest1 and what care would have been taken to point them out to the public6 ,but ,i had done nothing of the kind4 ,all attempts to discover any such thing were fruitless3 nothing was found in my music which led to the recollection of that of any other person2 and my whole composition compared with the pretended original1 was found to be as new as the musical characters ,i had invented4 ,had ,mondonville or ,rameau undergone the same ordeal1 they would have lost much of their substance4 ,the ,bouffons acquired for ,italian music very warm partisans4 ,all ,paris was divided into two parties1 the violence of which was greater than if an affair of state or religion had been in question4 ,one of them1 the most powerful and numerous1 composed of the great1 of men of fortune1 and the ladies1 supported ,french music2 the other1 more lively and haughty1 and fuller of enthusiasm1 was composed of real connoisseurs1 and men of talents1 and genius4 ,this little group assembled at the opera-house1 under the box belonging to the queen4 ,the other party filled up the rest of the pit and the theatre2 but the heads were mostly assembled under the box of his majesty4 ,hence the party names of ,coin du ,roi1 ,coin de la ,reine1--,king's corner1--,queen's corner4--then in great celebrity4 ,the dispute1 as it became more animated1 produced several pamphlets4 ,the king's corner aimed at pleasantry2 it was laughed at by the ',petit ,prophete'4 ,it attempted to reason2 the ',lettre sur la ,musique ,francoise' refuted its reasoning4 ,these two little productions1 the former of which was by ,grimm1 the latter by myself1 are the only ones which have outlived the quarrel2 all the rest are long since forgotten4 ,but the ,petit ,prophete1 which1 notwithstanding all ,i could say1 was for a long time attributed to me1 was considered as a pleasantry1 and did not produce the least inconvenience to the author3 whereas the letter on music was taken seriously1 and incensed against me the whole nation1 which thought itself offended by this attack on its music4 ,the description of the incredible effect of this pamphlet would be worthy of the pen of ,tacitus4 ,the great quarrel between the parliament and the clergy was then at its height4 ,the parliament had just been exiled2 the fermentation was general2 everything announced an approaching insurrection4 ,the pamphlet appeared3 from that moment every other quarrel was forgotten2 the perilous state of ,french music was the only thing by which the attention of the public was engaged1 and the only insurrection was against myself4 ,this was so general that it has never since been totally calmed4 ,at court1 the bastile or banishment was absolutely determined on1 and a 'lettre de cachet' would have been issued had not ,m4 de ,voyer set forth in the most forcible manner that such a step would be ridiculous4 ,were ,i to say this pamphlet probably prevented a revolution1 the reader would imagine ,i was in a dream4 ,it is1 however1 a fact1 the truth of which all ,paris can attest1 it being no more than fifteen years since the date of this singular fact4 ,although no attempts were made on my liberty1 ,i suffered numerous insults2 and even my life was in danger4 ,the musicians of the opera orchestra humanely resolved to murder me as ,i went out of the theatre4 ,of this ,i received information2 but the only effect it produced on me was to make me more assiduously attend the opera2 and ,i did not learn1 until a considerable time afterwards1 that ,m4 ,ancelot1 officer in the mousquetaires1 and who had a friendship for me1 had prevented the effect of this conspiracy by giving me an escort1 which1 unknown to myself1 accompanied me until ,i was out of danger4 ,the direction of the opera-house had just been given to the hotel de ville4 ,the first exploit performed by the ,prevot des ,marchands1 was to take from me my freedom of the theatre1 and this in the most uncivil manner possible4 ,admission was publicly refused me on my presenting myself1 so that ,i was obliged to take a ticket that ,i might not that evening have the mortification to return as ,i had come4 ,this injustice was the more shameful1 as the only price ,i had set on my piece when ,i gave it to the managers was a perpetual freedom of the house2 for although this was a right1 common to every author1 and which ,i enjoyed under a double title1 ,i expressly stipulated for it in presence of ,m4 ,duclos4 ,it is true1 the treasurer brought me fifty louis1 for which ,i had not asked2 but1 besides the smallness of the sum1 compared with that which1 according to the rule1 established in such cases1 was due to me1 this payment had nothing in common with the right of entry formerly granted1 and which was entirely independent of it4 ,there was in this behavior such a complication of iniquity and brutality1 that the public1 notwithstanding its animosity against me1 which was then at its highest1 was universally shocked at it1 and many persons who insulted me the preceding evening1 the next day exclaimed in the open theatre1 that it was shameful thus to deprive an author of his right of entry2 and particularly one who had so well deserved it1 and was entitled to claim it for himself and another person4 ,so true is the ,italian proverb3 ,ogn'un ama la giustizia in cosa d'altrui4--,every one loves justice in the affairs of another4 ,in this situation the only thing ,i had to do was to demand my work1 since the price ,i had agreed to receive for it was refused me4 ,for this purpose ,i wrote to ,m4 d',argenson1 who had the department of the opera4 ,i likewise enclosed to him a memoir which was unanswerable2 but this1 as well as my letter1 was ineffectual1 and ,i received no answer to either4 ,the silence of that unjust man hurt me extremely1 and did not contribute to increase the very moderate good opinion ,i always had of his character and abilities4 ,it was in this manner the managers kept my piece while they deprived me of that for which ,i had given it them4 ,from the weak to the strong1 such an act would be a theft3 from the strong to the weak1 it is nothing more than an appropriation of property1 without a right4 ,with respect to the pecuniary advantages of the work1 although it did not produce me a fourth part of the sum it would have done to any other person1 they were considerable enough to enable me to subsist several years1 and to make amends for the ill success of copying1 which went on but very slowly4 ,i received a hundred louis from the king2 fifty from ,madam de ,pompadour1 for the performance at ,bellevue1 where she herself played the part of ,colin2 fifty from the opera2 and five hundred livres from ,pissot1 for the engraving2 so that this interlude1 which cost me no more than five or six weeks' application1 produced1 notwithstanding the ill treatment ,i received from the managers and my stupidity at court1 almost as much money as my ',emilius'1 which had cost me twenty years' meditation1 and three years' labor4 ,but ,i paid dearly for the pecuniary ease ,i received from the piece1 by the infinite vexations it brought upon me4 ,it was the germ of the secret jealousies which did not appear until a long time afterwards4 ,after its success ,i did not remark1 either in ,grimm1 ,diderot1 or any of the men of letters1 with whom ,i was acquainted1 the same cordiality and frankness1 nor that pleasure in seeing me1 ,i had previously experienced4 ,the moment ,i appeared at the baron's1 the conversation was no longer general2 the company divided into small parties2 whispered into each other's ears2 and ,i remained alone1 without knowing to whom to address myself4 ,i endured for a long time this mortifying neglect2 and1 perceiving that ,madam d',holbach1 who was mild and amiable1 still received me well1 ,i bore with the vulgarity of her husband as long as it was possible4 ,but he one day attacked me without reason or pretence1 and with such brutality1 in presence of ,diderot1 who said not a word1 and ,margency1 who since that time has often told me how much he admired the moderation and mildness of my answers1 that1 at length driven from his house1 by this unworthy treatment1 ,i took leave with a resolution never to enter it again4 ,this did not1 however1 prevent me from speaking honorably of him and his house1 whilst he continually expressed himself relative to me in the most insulting terms1 calling me that 'petit cuistre'3 the little college pedant1 or servitor in a college1 without1 however1 being able to charge me with having done either to himself or any person to whom he was attached the most trifling injury4 ,in this manner he verified my fears and predictions4 ,i am of opinion my pretended friends would have pardoned me for having written books1 and even excellent ones1 because this merit was not foreign to themselves2 but that they could not forgive my writing an opera1 nor the brilliant success it had2 because there was not one amongst them capable of the same1 nor in a situation to aspire to like honors4 ,duclos1 the only person superior to jealousy1 seemed to become more attached to me3 he introduced me to ,mademoiselle ,quinault1 in whose house ,i received polite attention1 and civility to as great an extreme1 as ,i had found a want of it in that of ,m4 d',holbach4 ,whilst the performance of the ',devin du ,village' was continued at the opera-house1 the author of it had an advantageous negotiation with the managers of the ,french comedy4 ,not having1 during seven or eight years1 been able to get my ',narcissis' performed at the ,italian theatre1 ,i had1 by the bad performance in ,french of the actors1 become disgusted with it1 and should rather have had my piece received at the ,french theatre than by them4 ,i mentioned this to ,la ,none1 the comedian1 with whom ,i had become acquainted1 and who1 as everybody knows1 was a man of merit and an author4 ,he was pleased with the piece1 and promised to get it performed without suffering the name of the author to be known2 and in the meantime procured me the freedom of the theatre1 which was extremely agreeable to me1 for ,i always preferred it to the two others4 ,the piece was favorably received1 and without the author's name being mentioned2 but ,i have reason to believe it was known to the actors and actresses1 and many other persons4 ,mademoiselles ,gauffin and ,grandval played the amorous parts2 and although the whole performance was1 in my opinion1 injudicious1 the piece could not be said to be absolutely ill played4 ,the indulgence of the public1 for which ,i felt gratitude1 surprised me2 the audience had the patience to listen to it from the beginning to the end1 and to permit a second representation without showing the least sign of disapprobation4 ,for my part1 ,i was so wearied with the first1 that ,i could not hold out to the end2 and the moment ,i left the theatre1 ,i went into the ,cafe de ,procope1 where ,i found ,boissi1 and others of my acquaintance1 who had probably been as much fatigued as myself4 ,i there humbly or haughtily avowed myself the author of the piece1 judging it as everybody else had done4 ,this public avowal of an author of a piece which had not succeeded1 was much admired1 and was by no means painful to myself4 ,my self-love was flattered by the courage with which ,i made it3 and ,i am of opinion1 that1 on this occasion1 there was more pride in speaking1 than there would have been foolish shame in being silent4 ,however1 as it was certain the piece1 although insipid in the performance would bear to be read1 ,i had it printed3 and in the preface1 which is one of the best things ,i ever wrote1 ,i began to make my principles more public than ,i had before done4 ,i soon had an opportunity to explain them entirely in a work of the greatest importance3 for it was1 ,i think1 this year1 #agec1 that the programma of the ,academy of ,dijon upon the ',origin of the ,inequality of ,mankind' made its appearance4 ,struck with this great question1 ,i was surprised the academy had dared to propose it3 but since it had shown sufficient courage to do it1 ,i thought ,i might venture to treat it1 and immediately undertook the discussion4 ,that ,i might consider this grand subject more at my ease1 ,i went to ,st4 ,germain for seven or eight days with ,theresa1 our hostess1 who was a good kind of woman1 and one of her friends4 ,i consider this walk as one of the most agreeable ones ,i ever took4 ,the weather was very fine4 ,these good women took upon themselves all the care and expense4 ,theresa amused herself with them2 and ,i1 free from all domestic concerns1 diverted myself1 without restraint1 at the hours of dinner and supper4 ,all the rest of the day wandering in the forest1 ,i sought for and found there the image of the primitive ages of which ,i boldly traced the history4 ,i confounded the pitiful lies of men2 ,i dared to unveil their nature2 to follow the progress of time1 and the things by which it has been disfigured2 and comparing the man of art with the natural man1 to show them1 in their pretended improvement1 the real source of all their misery4 ,my mind1 elevated by these contemplations1 ascended to the ,divinity1 and thence1 seeing my fellow creatures follow in the blind track of their prejudices that of their errors and misfortunes1 ,i cried out to them1 in a feeble voice1 which they could not hear3 ,madmen6 know that all your evils proceed from yourselves6 ,from these meditations resulted the discourse on ,inequality1 a work more to the taste of ,diderot than any of my other writings1 and in which his advice was of the greatest service to me4 ,at the time ,i wrote this1 ,i had not the least suspicion of the grand conspiracy of ,diderot and ,grimm4 ,otherwise ,i should easily have discovered how much the former abused my confidence1 by giving to my writings that severity and melancholy which were not to be found in them from the moments he ceased to direct me4 ,the passage of the philosopher1 who argues with himself1 and stops his ears against the complaints of a man in distress1 is after his manner3 and he gave me others still more extraordinary2 which ,i could never resolve to make use of4 ,but1 attributing1 this melancholy to that he had acquired in the dungeon of ,vincennes1 and of which there is a very sufficient dose in his ,clairoal1 ,i never once suspected the least unfriendly dealing4 ,it was1 however1 understood but by few readers1 and not one of these would ever speak of it4 ,i had written it to become a competitor for the premium1 and sent it away fully persuaded it would not obtain it2 well convinced it was not for productions of this nature that academies were founded4 ,this excursion and this occupation enlivened my spirits and was of service to my health4 ,several years before1 tormented by my disorder1 ,i had entirely given myself up to the care of physicians1 who1 without alleviating my sufferings1 exhausted my strength and destroyed my constitution4 ,at my return from ,st4 ,germain1 ,i found myself stronger and perceived my health to be improved4 ,i followed this indication1 and determined to cure myself or die without the aid of physicians and medicine4 ,i bade them forever adieu1 and lived from day to day1 keeping close when ,i found myself indisposed1 and going abroad the moment ,i had sufficient strength to do it4 ,the manner of living in ,paris amidst people of pretensions was so little to my liking2 the cabals of men of letters1 their little candor in their writings1 and the air of importance they gave themselves in the world1 were so odious to me2 ,i found so little mildness1 openness of heart and frankness in the intercourse even of my friends2 that1 disgusted with this life of tumult1 ,i began ardently to wish to reside in the country1 and not perceiving that my occupation permitted me to do it1 ,i went to pass there all the time ,i had to spare4 ,for several months ,i went after dinner to walk alone in the ,bois de ,boulogne1 meditating on subjects for future works1 and not returning until evening4 ,gauffecourt1 with whom ,i was at that time extremely intimate1 being on account of his employment obliged to go to ,geneva1 proposed to me the journey1 to which ,i consented4 ,the state of my health was such as to require the care of the governess2 it was therefore decided she should accompany us1 and that her mother should remain in the house4 ,after thus having made our arrangements1 we set off on the first of ,june1 #aged4 ,this was the period when at the age of forty-two1 ,i for the first time in my life felt a diminution of my natural confidence to which ,i had abandoned myself without reserve or inconvenience4 ,we had a private carriage1 in which with the same horses we travelled very slowly4 ,i frequently got out and walked4 ,we had scarcely performed half our journey when ,theresa showed the greatest uneasiness at being left in the carriage with ,gauffecourt1 and when1 notwithstanding her remonstrances1 ,i would get out as usual1 she insisted upon doing the same1 and walking with me4 ,i chid her for this caprice1 and so strongly opposed it1 that at length she found herself obliged to declare to me the cause whence it proceeded4 ,i thought ,i was in a dream2 my astonishment was beyond expression1 when ,i learned that my friend ,m4 de ,gauffecourt1 upwards of sixty years of age1 crippled by the gout1 impotent and exhausted by pleasures1 had1 since our departure1 incessantly endeavored to corrupt a person who belonged to his friend1 and was no longer young nor handsome1 by the most base and shameful means1 such as presenting to her a purse1 attempting to inflame her imagination by the reading of an abominable book1 and by the sight of infamous figures1 with which it was filled4 ,theresa1 full of indignation1 once threw his scandalous book out of the carriage2 and ,i learned that on the first evening of our journey1 a violent headache having obliged me to retire to bed before supper1 he had employed the whole time of this tete-a-tete in actions more worthy of a satyr than a man of worth and honor1 to whom ,i thought ,i had intrusted my companion and myself4 ,what astonishment and grief of heart for me6 ,i1 who until then had believed friendship to be inseparable from every amiable and noble sentiment which constitutes all its charm1 for the first time in my life found myself under the necessity of connecting it with disdain1 and of withdrawing my confidence from a man for whom ,i had an affection1 and by whom ,i imagined myself beloved6 ,the wretch concealed from me his turpitude2 and that ,i might not expose ,theresa1 ,i was obliged to conceal from him my contempt1 and secretly to harbor in my heart such sentiments as were foreign to its nature4 ,sweet and sacred illusion of friendship6 ,gauffecourt first took the veil from before my eyes4 ,what cruel hands have since that time prevented it from again being drawn over them6 ,at ,lyons ,i quitted ,gauffecourt to take the road to ,savoy1 being unable to be so near to mamma without seeing her4 ,i saw her--,good ,god1 in what a situation6 ,how contemptible6 ,what remained to her of primitive virtue8 ,was it the same ,madam de ,warens1 formerly so gay and lively1 to whom the vicar of ,pontverre had given me recommendations8 ,how my heart was wounded6 ,the only resource ,i saw for her was to quit the country4 ,i earnestly but vainly repeated the invitation ,i had several times given her in my letters to come and live peacefully with me1 assuring her ,i would dedicate the rest of my life1 and that of ,theresa1 to render her happy4 ,attached to her pension1 from which1 although it was regularly paid1 she had not for a long time received the least advantage1 my offers were lost upon her4 ,i again gave her a trifling part of the contents of my purse1 much less than ,i ought to have done1 and considerably less than ,i should have offered her had not ,i been certain of its not being of the least service to herself4 ,during my residence at ,geneva1 she made a journey into ,chablais1 and came to see me at ,grange-canal4 ,she was in want of money to continue her journey3 what ,i had in my pocket was insufficient to this purpose1 but an hour afterwards ,i sent it her by ,theresa4 ,poor mamma6 ,i must relate this proof of the goodness of her heart4 ,a little diamond ring was the last jewel she had left4 ,she took it from her finger1 to put it upon that of ,theresa1 who instantly replaced it upon that whence it had been taken1 kissing the generous hand which she bathed with her tears4 ,ah6 this was the proper moment to discharge my debt6 ,i should have abandoned everything to follow her1 and share her fate3 let it be what it would4 ,i did nothing of the kind4 ,my attention was engaged by another attachment1 and ,i perceived the attachment ,i had to her was abated by the slender hopes there were of rendering it useful to either of us4 ,i sighed after her1 my heart was grieved at her situation1 but ,i did not follow her4 ,of all the remorse ,i felt this was the strongest and most lasting4 ,i merited the terrible chastisement with which ,i have since that time incessantly been overwhelmed3 may this have expiated my ingratitude6 ,of this ,i appear guilty in my conduct1 but my heart has been too much distressed by what ,i did ever to have been that of an ungrateful man4 ,before my departure from ,paris ,i had sketched out the dedication of my discourse on the ',inequality of ,mankind'4 ,i finished it at ,chambery1 and dated it from that place1 thinking that1 to avoid all chicane1 it was better not to date it either from ,france or ,geneva4 ,the moment ,i arrived in that city ,i abandoned myself to the republican enthusiasm which had brought me to it4 ,this was augmented by the reception ,i there met with4 ,kindly treated by persons of every description1 ,i entirely gave myself up to a patriotic zeal1 and mortified at being excluded from the rights of a citizen by the possession of a religion different from that of my forefathers1 ,i resolved openly to return to the latter4 ,i thought the gospel being the same for every ,christian1 and the only difference in religious opinions the result of the explanations given by men to that which they did not understand1 it was the exclusive right of the sovereign power in every country to fix the mode of worship1 and these unintelligible opinions2 and that consequently it was the duty of a citizen to admit the one1 and conform to the other in the manner prescribed by the law4 ,the conversation of the encyclopaedists1 far from staggering my faith1 gave it new strength by my natural aversion to disputes and party4 ,the study of man and the universe had everywhere shown me the final causes and the wisdom by which they were directed4 ,the reading of the ,bible1 and especially that of the ,new ,testament1 to which ,i had for several years past applied myself1 had given me a sovereign contempt for the base and stupid interpretations given to the words of ,jesus ,christ by persons the least worthy of understanding his divine doctrine4 ,in a word1 philosophy1 while it attached me to the essential part of religion1 had detached me from the trash of the little formularies with which men had rendered it obscure4 ,judging that for a reasonable man there were not two ways of being a ,christian1 ,i was also of opinion that in each country everything relative to form and discipline was within the jurisdiction of the laws4 ,from this principle1 so social and pacific1 and which has brought upon me such cruel persecutions1 it followed that1 if ,i wished to be a citizen of ,geneva1 ,i must become a ,protestant1 and conform to the mode of worship established in my country4 ,this ,i resolved upon2 ,i moreover put myself under the instructions of the pastor of the parish in which ,i lived1 and which was without the city4 ,all ,i desired was not to appear at the consistory4 ,however1 the ecclesiastical edict was expressly to that effect2 but it was agreed upon to dispense with it in my favor1 and a commission of five or six members was named to receive my profession of faith4 ,unfortunately1 the minister ,perdriau1 a mild and an amiable man1 took it into his head to tell me the members were rejoiced at the thoughts of hearing me speak in the little assembly4 ,this expectation alarmed me to such a degree that having night and day during three weeks studied a little discourse ,i had prepared1 ,i was so confused when ,i ought to have pronounced it that ,i could not utter a single word1 and during the conference ,i had the appearance of the most stupid schoolboy4 ,the persons deputed spoke for me1 and ,i answered yes and no1 like a blockhead2 ,i was afterwards admitted to the communion1 and reinstated in my rights as a citizen4 ,i was enrolled as such in the lists of guards1 paid by none but citizens and burgesses1 and ,i attended at a council-general extraordinary to receive the oath from the syndic ,mussard4 ,i was so impressed with the kindness shown me on this occasion by the council and the consistory1 and by the great civility and obliging behavior of the magistrates1 ministers and citizens1 that1 pressed by the worthy ,de ,luc1 who was incessant in his persuasions1 and still more so by my own inclination1 ,i did not think of going back to ,paris for any other purpose than to break up housekeeping1 find a situation for ,m4 and ,madam le ,vasseur1 or provide for their subsistence1 and then return with ,theresa to ,geneva1 there to settle for the rest of my days4 ,after taking this resolution ,i suspended all serious affairs the better to enjoy the company of my friends until the time of my departure4 ,of all the amusements of which ,i partook1 that with which ,i was most pleased1 was sailing round the lake in a boat1 with ,de ,luc1 the father1 his daughter-in-law1 his two sons1 and my ,theresa4 ,we gave seven days to this excursion in the finest weather possible4 ,i preserved a lively remembrance of the situation which struck me at the other extremity of the lake1 and of which ,i1 some years afterwards1 gave a description in my ,new ,eloisa4 ,the principal connections ,i made at ,geneva1 besides the ,de ,lucs1 of which ,i have spoken1 were the young ,vernes1 with whom ,i had already been acquainted at ,paris1 and of whom ,i then formed a better opinion than ,i afterwards had of him4 ,m4 ,perdriau1 then a country pastor1 now professor of ,belles ,lettres1 whose mild and agreeable society will ever make me regret the loss of it1 although he has since thought proper to detach himself from me2 ,m4 ,jalabert1 at that time professor of natural philosophy1 since become counsellor and syndic1 to whom ,i read my discourse upon ,inequality 7but not the dedication71 with which he seemed to be delighted2 the ,professor ,lullin1 with whom ,i maintained a correspondence until his death1 and who gave me a commission to purchase books for the library2 the ,professor ,vernet1 who1 like most other people1 turned his back upon me after ,i had given him proofs of attachment and confidence of which he ought to have been sensible1 if a theologian can be affected by anything2 ,chappins1 clerk and successor to ,gauffecourt1 whom he wished to supplant1 and who1 soon afterwards1 was himself supplanted2 ,marcet de ,mezieres1 an old friend of my father's1 and who had also shown himself to be mine3 after having well deserved of his country1 he became a dramatic author1 and1 pretending to be of the council of two hundred1 changed his principles1 and1 before he died1 became ridiculous4 ,but he from whom ,i expected most was ,m4 ,moultou1 a very promising young man by his talents and his brilliant imagination1 whom ,i have always loved1 although his conduct with respect to me was frequently equivocal1 and1 not withstanding his being connected with my most cruel enemies1 whom ,i cannot but look upon as destined to become the defender of my memory and the avenger of his friend4 ,in the midst of these dissipations1 ,i neither lost the taste for my solitary excursions1 nor the habit of them2 ,i frequently made long ones upon the banks of the lake1 during which my mind1 accustomed to reflection1 did not remain idle2 ,i digested the plan already formed of my political institutions1 of which ,i shall shortly have to speak2 ,i meditated a history of the ,valais2 the plan of a tragedy in prose1 the subject of which1 nothing less than ,lucretia1 did not deprive me of the hope of succeeding1 although ,i had dared again to exhibit that unfortunate heroine1 when she could no longer be suffered upon any ,french stage4 ,i at that time tried my abilities with ,tacitus1 and translated the first books of his history1 which will be found amongst my papers4 ,after a residence of four months at ,geneva1 ,i returned in the month of ,october to ,paris2 and avoided passing through ,lyons that ,i might not again have to travel with ,gauffecourt4 ,as the arrangement ,i had made did not require my being at ,geneva until the spring following1 ,i returned1 during the winter1 to my habits and occupations2 the principal of the latter was examining the proof sheets of my discourse on the ,inequality of ,mankind1 which ,i had procured to be printed in ,holland1 by the bookseller ,rey1 with whom ,i had just become acquainted at ,geneva4 ,this work was dedicated to the republic2 but as the publication might be unpleasing to the council1 ,i wished to wait until it had taken its effect at ,geneva before ,i returned thither4 ,this effect was not favorable to me2 and the dedication1 which the most pure patriotism had dictated1 created me enemies in the council1 and inspired even many of the burgesses with jealousy4 ,m4 ,chouet1 at that time first syndic1 wrote me a polite but very cold letter1 which will be found amongst my papers4 ,i received from private persons1 amongst others from ,du ,luc and ,de ,jalabert1 a few compliments1 and these were all4 ,i did not perceive that a single ,genevese was pleased with the hearty zeal found in the work4 ,this indifference shocked all those by whom it was remarked4 ,i remember that dining one day at ,clichy1 at ,madam ,dupin's1 with ,crommelin1 resident from the republic1 and ,m4 de ,mairan1 the latter openly declared the council owed me a present and public honors for the work1 and that it would dishonor itself if it failed in either4 ,crommelin1 who was a black and mischievous little man1 dared not reply in my presence1 but he made a frightful grimace1 which however forced a smile from ,madam ,dupin4 ,the only advantage this work procured me1 besides that resulting from the satisfaction of my own heart1 was the title of citizen given me by my friends1 afterwards by the public after their example1 and which ,i afterwards lost by having too well merited4 ,this ill success would not1 however1 have prevented my retiring to ,geneva1 had not more powerful motives tended to the same effect4 ,m4 ,d',epinay1 wishing to add a wing which was wanting to the chateau of the ,chevrette1 was at an immense expense in completing it4 ,going one day with ,madam ,d',epinay to see the building1 we continued our walk a quarter of a league further to the reservoir of the waters of the park which joined the forest of ,montmorency1 and where there was a handsome kitchen garden1 with a little lodge1 much out of repair1 called the ,hermitage4 ,this solitary and very agreeable place had struck me when ,i saw it for the first time before my journey to ,geneva4 ,i had exclaimed in my transport3 ,ah1 madam1 what a delightful habitation6 ,this asylum was purposely prepared for me4 ,madam ,d',epinay did not pay much attention to what ,i said2 but at this second journey ,i was quite surprised to find1 instead of the old decayed building1 a little house almost entirely new1 well laid out1 and very habitable for a little family of three persons4 ,madam ,d',epinay had caused this to be done in silence1 and at a very small expense1 by detaching a few materials and some of the work men from the castle4 ,she now said to me1 on remarking my surprise3 ,my dear1 here behold your asylum2 it is you who have chosen it2 friendship offers it to you4 ,i hope this will remove from you the cruel idea of separating from me4 ,i do not think ,i was ever in my life more strongly or more deliciously affected4 ,i bathed with tears the beneficent hand of my friend2 and if ,i were not conquered from that very instant even1 ,i was extremely staggered4 ,madam ,d',epinay1 who would not be denied1 became so pressing1 employed so many means1 so many people to circumvent me1 proceeding even so far as to gain over ,madam le ,vasseur and her daughter1 that at length she triumphed over all my resolutions4 ,renouncing the idea of residing in my own country1 ,i resolved1 ,i promised1 to inhabit the ,hermitage2 and1 whilst the building was drying1 ,madam ,d',epinay took care to prepare furniture1 so that everything was ready the following spring4 ,illustration3 frontispiece ,one thing which greatly aided me in determining1 was the residence ,voltaire had chosen near ,geneva2 ,i easily comprehended this man would cause a revolution there1 and that ,i should find in my country the manners1 which drove me from ,paris2 that ,i should be under the necessity of incessantly struggling hard1 and have no other alternative than that of being an unsupportable pedant1 a poltroon1 or a bad citizen4 ,the letter ,voltaire wrote me on my last work1 induced me to insinuate my fears in my answer2 and the effect this produced confirmed them4 ,from that moment ,i considered ,geneva as lost1 and ,i was not deceived4 ,i perhaps ought to have met the storm1 had ,i thought myself capable of resisting it4 ,but what could ,i have done alone1 timid1 and speaking badly1 against a man1 arrogant1 opulent1 supported by the credit of the great1 eloquent1 and already the idol of the women and young men8 ,i was afraid of uselessly exposing myself to danger to no purpose4 ,i listened to nothing but my peaceful disposition1 to my love of repose1 which1 if it then deceived me1 still continues to deceive me on the same subject4 ,by retiring to ,geneva1 ,i should have avoided great misfortunes2 but ,i have my doubts whether1 with all my ardent and patriotic zeal1 ,i should have been able to effect anything great and useful for my country4 ,tronchin1 who about the same time went to reside at ,geneva1 came afterwards to ,paris and brought with him treasures4 ,at his arrival he came to see me1 with the ,chevalier ,jaucourt4 ,madam ,d',epinay had a strong desire to consult him in private1 but this it was not easy to do4 ,she addressed herself to me1 and ,i engaged ,tronchin to go and see her4 ,thus under my auspices they began a connection1 which was afterwards increased at my expense4 ,such has ever been my destiny3 the moment ,i had united two friends who were separately mine1 they never failed to combine against me4 ,although1 in the conspiracy then formed by the ,tronchins1 they must all have borne me a mortal hatred4 ,he still continued friendly to me3 he even wrote me a letter after his return to ,geneva1 to propose to me the place of honorary librarian4 ,but ,i had taken my resolution1 and the offer did not tempt me to depart from it4 ,about this time ,i again visited ,m4 d',holbach4 ,my visit was occasioned by the death of his wife1 which1 as well as that of ,madam ,francueil1 happened whilst ,i was at ,geneva4 ,diderot1 when he communicated to me these melancholy events1 spoke of the deep affliction of the husband4 ,his grief affected my heart4 ,i myself was grieved for the loss of that excellent woman1 and wrote to ,m4 d',holbach a letter of condolence4 ,i forgot all the wrongs he had done me1 and at my return from ,geneva1 and after he had made the tour of ,france with ,grimm and other friends to alleviate his affliction1 ,i went to see him1 and continued my visits until my departure for the ,hermitage4 ,as soon as it was known in his circle that ,madam ,d',epinay was preparing me a habitation there1 innumerable sarcasms1 founded upon the want ,i must feel of the flattery and amusement of the city1 and the supposition of my not being able to support the solitude for a fortnight1 were uttered against me4 ,feeling within myself how ,i stood affected1 ,i left him and his friends to say what they pleased1 and pursued my intention4 ,m4 d',holbach rendered me some services in finding a place for the old ,le ,vasseur1 who was eighty years of age and a burden to his wife1 from which she begged me to relieve her4 ,this is an instance of the treachery of my memory4 ,a long time after ,i had written what ,i have stated above1 ,i learned1 in conversing with my wife1 that it was not ,m4 d',holbach1 but ,m4 de ,chenonceaux1 then one of the administrators of the ,hotel ,dieu1 who procured this place for her father4 ,i had so totally forgotten the circumstance1 and the idea of ,m4 d',holbach's having done it was so strong in my mind that ,i would have sworn it had been him4 ,he was put into a house of charity1 where1 almost as soon as he arrived there1 age and the grief of finding himself removed from his family sent him to the grave4 ,his wife and all his children1 except ,theresa1 did not much regret his loss4 ,but she1 who loved him tenderly1 has ever since been inconsolable1 and never forgiven herself for having suffered him1 at so advanced an age1 to end his days in any other house than her own4 ,much about the same time ,i received a visit ,i little expected1 although it was from a very old acquaintance4 ,my friend ,venture1 accompanied by another man1 came upon me one morning by surprise4 ,what a change did ,i discover in his person6 ,instead of his former gracefulness1 he appeared sottish and vulgar1 which made me extremely reserved with him4 ,my eyes deceived me1 or either debauchery had stupefied his mind1 or all his first splendor was the effect of his youth1 which was past4 ,i saw him almost with indifference1 and we parted rather coolly4 ,but when he was gone1 the remembrance of our former connection so strongly called to my recollection that of my younger days1 so charmingly1 so prudently dedicated to that angelic woman 7,madam de ,warens7 who was not much less changed than himself2 the little anecdotes of that happy time1 the romantic day of ,toune passed with so much innocence and enjoyment between those two charming girls1 from whom a kiss of the hand was the only favor1 and which1 notwithstanding its being so trifling1 had left me such lively1 affecting and lasting regrets2 and the ravishing delirium of a young heart1 which ,i had just felt in all its force1 and of which ,i thought the season forever past for me4 ,the tender remembrance of these delightful circumstances made me shed tears over my faded youth and its transports for ever lost to me4 ,ah6 how many tears should ,i have shed over their tardy and fatal return had ,i foreseen the evils ,i had yet to suffer from them4 ,before ,i left ,paris1 ,i enjoyed during the winter which preceded my retreat1 a pleasure after my own heart1 and of which ,i tasted in all its purity4 ,palissot1 academician of ,nancy1 known by a few dramatic compositions1 had just had one of them performed at ,luneville before the ,king of ,poland4 ,he perhaps thought to make his court by representing in his piece a man who had dared to enter into a literary dispute with the king4 ,stanislaus1 who was generous1 and did not like satire1 was filled with indignation at the author's daring to be personal in his presence4 ,the ,comte de ,tressan1 by order of the prince1 wrote to ,m4 d',alembert1 as well as to myself1 to inform me that it was the intention of his majesty to have ,palissot expelled his academy4 ,my answer was a strong solicitation in favor of ,palissot1 begging ,m4 de ,tressan to intercede with the king in his behalf4 ,his pardon was granted1 and ,m4 de ,tressan1 when he communicated to me the information in the name of the monarch1 added that the whole of what had passed should be inserted in the register of the academy4 ,i replied that this was less granting a pardon than perpetuating a punishment4 ,at length1 after repeated solicitations1 ,i obtained a promise1 that nothing relative to the affair should be inserted in the register1 and that no public trace should remain of it4 ,the promise was accompanied1 as well on the part of the king as on that of ,m4 de ,tressan1 with assurance of esteem and respect1 with which ,i was extremely flattered2 and ,i felt on this occasion that the esteem of men who are themselves worthy of it1 produced in the mind a sentiment infinitely more noble and pleasing than that of vanity4 ,i have transcribed into my collection the letters of ,m4 de ,tressan1 with my answers to them3 and the original of the former will be found amongst my other papers4 ,i am perfectly aware that if ever these memoirs become public1 ,i here perpetuate the remembrance of a fact of which ,i would wish to efface every trace2 but ,i transmit many others as much against my inclination4 ,the grand object of my undertaking1 constantly before my eyes1 and the indispensable duty of fulfilling it to its utmost extent1 will not permit me to be turned aside by trifling considerations1 which would lead me from my purpose4 ,in my strange and unparalleled situation1 ,i owe too much to truth to be further than this indebted to any person whatever4 ,they who wish to know me well must be acquainted with me in every point of view1 in every relative situation1 both good and bad4 ,my confessions are necessarily connected with those of many other people3 ,i write both with the same frankness in everything that relates to that which has befallen me2 and am not obliged to spare any person more than myself1 although it is my wish to do it4 ,i am determined always to be just and true1 to say of others all the good ,i can1 never speaking of evil except when it relates to my own conduct1 and there is a necessity for my so doing4 ,who1 in the situation in which the world has placed me1 has a right to require more at my hands8 ,my confessions are not intended to appear during my lifetime1 nor that of those they may disagreeably affect4 ,were ,i master of my own destiny1 and that of the book ,i am now writing1 it should never be made public until after my death and theirs4 ,but the efforts which the dread of truth obliges my powerful enemies to make to destroy every trace of it1 render it necessary for me to do everything1 which the strictest right1 and the most severe justice1 will permit1 to preserve what ,i have written4 ,were the remembrance of me to be lost at my dissolution1 rather than expose any person alive1 ,i would without a murmur suffer an unjust and momentary reproach4 ,but since my name is to live1 it is my duty to endeavor to transmit with it to posterity the remembrance of the unfortunate man by whom it was borne1 such as he really was1 and not such as his unjust enemies incessantly endeavored to describe him4 ,,book ,,ix4 ,my impatience to inhabit the ,hermitage not permitting me to wait until the return of fine weather1 the moment my lodging was prepared ,i hastened to take possession of it1 to the great amusement of the ',coterie ,holbachique'1 which publicly predicted ,i should not be able to support solitude for three months1 and that ,i should unsuccessfully return to ,paris1 and live there as they did4 ,for my part1 having for fifteen years been out of my element1 finding myself upon the eve of returning to it1 ,i paid no attention to their pleasantries4 ,since contrary to my inclinations1 ,i have again entered the world1 ,i have incessantly regretted my dear ,charmettes1 and the agreeable life ,i led there4 ,i felt a natural inclination to retirement and the country3 it was impossible for me to live happily elsewhere4 ,at ,venice1 in the train of public affairs1 in the dignity of a kind of representation1 in the pride of projects of advancement2 at ,paris1 in the vortex of the great world1 in the luxury of suppers1 in the brilliancy of spectacles1 in the rays of splendor2 my groves1 rivulets1 and solitary walks1 constantly presented themselves to my recollection1 interrupted my thought1 rendered me melancholy1 and made me sigh with desire4 ,all the labor to which ,i had subjected myself1 every project of ambition which by fits had animated my ardor1 all had for object this happy country retirement1 which ,i now thought near at hand4 ,without having acquired a genteel independence1 which ,i had judged to be the only means of accomplishing my views1 ,i imagined myself1 in my particular situation1 to be able to do without it1 and that ,i could obtain the same end by a means quite opposite4 ,i had no regular income2 but ,i possessed some talents1 and had acquired a name4 ,my wants were few1 and ,i had freed myself from all those which were most expensive1 and which merely depended on prejudice and opinion4 ,besides this1 although naturally indolent1 ,i was laborious when ,i chose to be so4 and my idleness was less that of an indolent man1 than that of an independent one who applies to business when it pleases him4 ,my profession of a copyist of music was neither splendid nor lucrative1 but it was certain4 ,the world gave me credit for the courage ,i had shown in making choice of it4 ,i might depend upon having sufficient employment to enable me to live4 ,two thousand livres which remained of the produce of the ',devin du ,village'1 and my other writings1 were a sum which kept me from being straitened1 and several works ,i had upon the stocks promised me1 without extorting money from the booksellers1 supplies sufficient to enable me to work at my ease without exhausting myself1 even by turning to advantage the leisure of my walks4 ,my little family1 consisting of three persons1 all of whom were usefully employed1 was not expensive to support4 ,finally1 from my resources1 proportioned to my wants and desires1 ,i might reasonably expect a happy and permanent existence1 in that manner of life which my inclination had induced me to adopt4 ,i might have taken the interested side of the question1 and1 instead of subjecting my pen to copying1 entirely devoted it to works which1 from the elevation to which ,i had soared1 and at which ,i found myself capable of continuing1 might have enabled me to live in the midst of abundance1 nay1 even of opulence1 had ,i been the least disposed to join the manoeuvres of an author to the care of publishing a good book4 ,but ,i felt that writing for bread would soon have extinguished my genius1 and destroyed my talents1 which were less in my pen than in my heart1 and solely proceeded from an elevated and noble manner of thinking1 by which alone they could be cherished and preserved4 ,nothing vigorous or great can come from a pen totally venal4 ,necessity1 nay1 even avarice1 perhaps1 would have made me write rather rapidly than well4 ,if the desire of success had not led me into cabals1 it might have made me endeavor to publish fewer true and useful works than those which might be pleasing to the multitude2 and instead of a distinguished author1 which ,i might possibly become1 ,i should have been nothing more than a scribbler4 ,no3 ,i have always felt that the profession of letters was illustrious in proportion as it was less a trade4 ,it is too difficult to think nobly when we think for a livelihood4 ,to be able to dare even to speak great truths1 an author must be independent of success4 ,i gave my books to the public with a certainty of having written for the general good of mankind1 without giving myself the least concern about what was to follow4 ,if the work was thrown aside1 so much the worse for such as did not choose to profit by it4 ,their approbation was not necessary to enable me to live1 my profession was sufficient to maintain me had not my works had a sale1 for which reason alone they all sold4 ,it was on the ninth of ,august1 #agef1 that ,i left cities1 never to reside in them again3 for ,i do not call a residence the few days ,i afterwards remained in ,paris1 ,london1 or other cities1 always on the wing1 or contrary to my inclinations4 ,madam d',epinay came and took us all three in her coach2 her farmer carted away my little baggage1 and ,i was put into possession the same day4 ,i found my little retreat simply furnished1 but neatly1 and with some taste4 ,the hand which had lent its aid in this furnishing rendered it inestimable in my eyes1 and ,i thought it charming to be the guest of my female friend in a house ,i had made choice of1 and which she had caused to be built purposely for me4 ,although the weather was cold1 and the ground lightly covered with snow1 the earth began to vegetate3 violets and primroses already made their appearance1 the trees began to bud1 and the evening of my arrival was distinguished by the song of the nightingale1 which was heard almost under my window1 in a wood adjoining the house4 ,after a light sleep1 forgetting when ,i awoke my change of abode1 ,i still thought myself in the ,rue ,grenelle1 when suddenly this warbling made me give a start1 and ,i exclaimed in my transport3 ,at length1 all my wishes are accomplished6 ,the first thing ,i did was to abandon myself to the impression of the rural objects with which ,i was surrounded4 ,instead of beginning to set things in order in my new habitation1 ,i began by doing it for my walks1 and there was not a path1 a copse1 a grove1 nor a corner in the environs of my place of residence that ,i did not visit the next day4 ,the more ,i examined this charming retreat1 the more ,i found it to my wishes4 ,this solitary1 rather than savage1 spot transported me in idea to the end of the world4 ,it had striking beauties which are but seldom found near cities1 and never1 if suddenly transported thither1 could any person have imagined himself within four leagues of ,paris4 ,after abandoning myself for a few days to this rural delirium1 ,i began to arrange my papers1 and regulate my occupations4 ,i set apart1 as ,i had always done1 my mornings to copying1 and my afternoons to walking1 provided with my little paper book and a pencil1 for never having been able to write and think at my ease except 'sub dio'1 ,i had no inclination to depart from this method1 and ,i was persuaded the forest of ,montmorency1 which was almost at my door1 would in future be my closet and study4 ,i had several works begun2 these ,i cast my eye over4 ,my mind was indeed fertile in great projects1 but in the noise of the city the execution of them had gone on but slowly4 ,i proposed to myself to use more diligence when ,i should be less interrupted4 ,i am of opinion ,i have sufficiently fulfilled this intention2 and for a man frequently ill1 often at ,la ,chevrette1 at ,epinay1 at ,raubonne1 at the castle of ,montmorency1 at other times interrupted by the indolent and curious1 and always employed half the day in copying1 if what ,i produced during the six years ,i passed at the ,hermitage and at ,montmorency be considered1 ,i am persuaded it will appear that if1 in this interval1 ,i lost my time1 it was not in idleness4 ,of the different works ,i had upon the stocks1 that ,i had longest resolved in my mind which was most to my taste1 to which ,i destined a certain portion of my life1 and which1 in my opinion1 was to confirm the reputation ,i had acquired1 was my ',institutions ,politiques'4 ,i had1 fourteen years before1 when at ,venice1 where ,i had an opportunity of remarking the defects of that government so much boasted of1 conceived the first idea of them4 ,since that time my views had become much more extended by the historical study of morality4 ,i had perceived everything to be radically connected with politics1 and that1 upon whatever principles these were founded1 a people would never be more than that which the nature of the government made them2 therefore the great question of the best government possible appeared to me to be reduced to this3 ,what is the nature of a government the most proper to form the most virtuous and enlightened1 the wisest and best people1 taking the last epithet in its most extensive meaning8 ,i thought this question was much if not quite of the same nature with that which follows3 ,what government is that which1 by its nature1 always maintains itself nearest to the laws1 or least deviates from the laws4 ,hence1 what is the law8 and a series of questions of similar importance4 ,i perceived these led to great truths1 useful to the happiness of mankind1 but more especially to that of my country1 wherein1 in the journey ,i had just made to it1 ,i had not found notions of laws and liberty either sufficiently just or clear4 ,i had thought this indirect manner of communicating these to my fellow-citizens would be least mortifying to their pride1 and might obtain me forgiveness for having seen a little further than themselves4 ,although ,i had already labored five or six years at the work1 the progress ,i had made in it was not considerable4 ,writings of this kind require meditation1 leisure and tranquillity4 ,i had besides written the ',institutions ,politiques'1 as the expression is1 'en bonne fortune'1 and had not communicated my project to any person2 not even to ,diderot4 ,i was afraid it would be thought too daring for the age and country in which ,i wrote1 and that the fears of my friends would restrain me from carrying it into execution4 ,it was more especially the wise severity of ,duclos which inspired me with this fear2 as for ,diderot1 ,i know not by what means all my conferences with him tended to make me more satirical than my natural disposition inclined me to be4 ,this prevented me from consulting him upon an undertaking1 in which ,i wished to introduce nothing but the force of reasoning without the least appearance of ill humor or partiality4 ,the manner of this work may be judged of by that of the ',contrat ,social'1 which is taken from it4 ,i did not yet know that it would be finished in time1 and in such a manner as to appear before my decease4 ,i wished fearlessly to give to my subject everything it required2 fully persuaded that not being of a satirical turn1 and never wishing to be personal1 ,i should in equity always be judged irreprehensible4 ,i undoubtedly wished fully to enjoy the right of thinking which ,i had by birth2 but still respecting the government under which ,i lived1 without ever disobeying its laws1 and very attentive not to violate the rights of persons1 ,i would not from fear renounce its advantages4 ,i confess1 even that1 as a stranger1 and living in ,france1 ,i found my situation very favorable in daring to speak the truth2 well knowing that continuing1 as ,i was determined to do1 not to print anything in the kingdom without permission1 ,i was not obliged to give to any person in it an account of my maxims nor of their publication elsewhere4 ,i should have been less independent even at ,geneva1 where1 in whatever place my books might have been printed1 the magistrate had a right to criticise their contents4 ,this consideration had greatly contributed to make me yield to the solicitations of ,madam d',epinay1 and abandon the project of fixing my residence at ,geneva4 ,i felt1 as ,i have remarked in my ,emilius1 that unless an author be a man of intrigue1 when he wishes to render his works really useful to any country whatsoever1 he must compose them in some other4 ,what made me find my situation still more happy1 was my being persuaded that the government of ,france would1 perhaps1 without looking upon me with a very favorable eye1 make it a point to protect me1 or at least not to disturb my tranquillity4 ,it appeared to me a stroke of simple1 yet dexterous policy1 to make a merit of tolerating that which there was no means of preventing2 since1 had ,i been driven from ,france1 which was all government had the right to do1 my work would still have been written1 and perhaps with less reserve2 whereas if ,i were left undisturbed1 the author remained to answer for what he wrote1 and a prejudice1 general throughout all ,europe1 would be destroyed by acquiring the reputation of observing a proper respect for the rights of persons4 ,they who1 by the event1 shall judge ,i was deceived1 may perhaps be deceived in their turn4 ,in the storm which has since broken over my head1 my books served as a pretence1 but it was against my person that every shaft was directed4 ,my persecutors gave themselves but little concern about the author1 but they wished to ruin ,jean ,jacques2 and the greatest evil they found in my writings was the honor they might possibly do me4 ,let us not encroach upon the future4 ,i do not know that this mystery1 which is still one to me1 will hereafter be cleared up to my readers2 but had my avowed principles been of a nature to bring upon me the treatment ,i received1 ,i should sooner have become their victim1 since the work in which these principles are manifested with most courage1 not to call it audacity1 seemed to have had its effect previous to my retreat to the ,hermitage1 without ,i will not only say my having received the least censure1 but without any steps having been taken to prevent the publication of it in ,france1 where it was sold as publicly as in ,holland4 ,the ,new ,eloisa afterwards appeared with the same facility1 ,i dare add2 with the same applause3 and1 what seems incredible1 the profession of faith of this ,eloisa at the point of death is exactly similar to that of the ,savoyard vicar4 ,every strong idea in the ,social ,contract had been before published in the discourse on ,inequality2 and every bold opinion in ,emilius previously found in ,eloisa4 ,this unrestrained freedom did not excite the least murmur against the first two works2 therefore it was not that which gave cause to it against the latter4 ,another undertaking much of the same kind1 but of which the project was more recent1 then engaged my attention3 this was the extract of the works of the ,abbe de ,saint ,pierre1 of which1 having been led away by the thread of my narrative1 ,i have not hitherto been able to speak4 ,the idea was suggested to me1 after my return from ,geneva1 by the ,abbe ,malby1 not immediately from himself1 but by the interposition of ,madam ,dupin1 who had some interest in engaging me to adopt it4 ,she was one of the three or four pretty women of ,paris1 of whom the ,abbe de ,saint ,pierre had been the spoiled child1 and although she had not decidedly had the preference1 she had at least partaken of it with ,madam d',aiguillon4 ,she preserved for the memory of the good man a respect and an affection which did honor to them both2 and her self-love would have been flattered by seeing the still-born works of her friend brought to life by her secretary4 ,these works contained excellent things1 but so badly told that the reading of them was almost insupportable2 and it is astonishing the ,abbe de ,saint ,pierre1 who looked upon his readers as schoolboys1 should nevertheless have spoken to them as men1 by the little care he took to induce them to give him a hearing4 ,it was for this purpose that the work was proposed to me as useful in itself1 and very proper for a man laborious in manoeuvre1 but idle as an author1 who finding the trouble of thinking very fatiguing1 preferred1 in things which pleased him1 throwing a light upon and extending the ideas of others1 to producing any himself4 ,besides1 not being confined to the functions of a translator1 ,i was at liberty sometimes to think for myself2 and ,i had it in my power to give such a form to my work1 that many important truths would pass in it under the name of the ,abbe de ,saint ,pierre1 much more safely than under mine4 ,the undertaking also was not trifling2 the business was nothing less than to read and meditate twenty-three volumes1 diffuse1 confused1 full of long narrations and periods1 repetitions1 and false or little views1 from amongst which it was necessary to select some few that were good and useful1 and sufficiently encouraging to enable me to support the painful labor4 ,i frequently wished to have given it up1 and should have done so1 could ,i have got it off my hands with a great grace2 but when ,i received the manuscripts of the abbe1 which were given to me by his nephew1 the ,comte de ,saint ,pierre1 ,i had1 by the solicitation of ,st4 ,lambert1 in some measure engaged to make use of them1 which ,i must either have done1 or have given them back4 ,it was with the former intention ,i had taken the manuscripts to the ,hermitage1 and this was the first work to which ,i proposed to dedicate my leisure hours4 ,i had likewise in my own mind projected a third1 the idea of which ,i owed to the observations ,i had made upon myself and ,i felt the more disposed to undertake this work1 as ,i had reason to hope ,i could make it a truly useful one1 and perhaps1 the most so of any that could be offered to the world1 were the execution equal to the plan ,i had laid down4 ,it has been remarked that most men are in the course of their lives frequently unlike themselves1 and seem to be transformed into others very different from what they were4 ,it was not to establish a thing so generally known that ,i wished to write a book2 ,i had a newer and more important object4 ,this was to search for the causes of these variations1 and1 by confining my observations to those which depend on ourselves1 to demonstrate in what manner it might be possible to direct them1 in order to render us better and more certain of our dispositions4 ,for it is undoubtedly more painful to an honest man to resist desires already formed1 and which it is his duty to subdue1 than to prevent1 change1 or modify the same desires in their source1 were he capable of tracing them to it4 ,a man under temptation resists once because he has strength of mind1 he yields another time because this is overcome2 had it been the same as before he would again have triumphed4 ,by examining within myself1 and searching in others what could be the cause of these different manners of being1 ,i discovered that1 in a great measure they depended on the anterior impressions of external objects2 and that1 continually modified by our senses and organs1 we1 without knowing it1 bore in our ideas1 sentiments1 and even actions1 the effect of these modifications4 ,the striking and numerous observations ,i had collected were beyond all manner of dispute1 and by their natural principle seemed proper to furnish an exterior regimen1 which varied according to circumstances1 might place and support the mind in the state most favorable to virtue4 ,from how many mistakes would reason be preserved1 how many vices would be stifled in their birth1 were it possible to force animal economy to favor moral order1 which it so frequently disturbs6 ,climate1 seasons1 sounds1 colors1 light1 darkness1 the elements1 ailments1 noise1 silence1 motion1 rest1 all act on the animal machine1 and consequently on the mind3 all offer a thousand means1 almost certain of directing in their origin the sentiments by which we suffer ourselves to be governed4 ,such was the fundamental idea of which ,i had already made a sketch upon paper1 and whence ,i hoped for an effect the more certain1 in favor of persons well disposed1 who1 sincerely loving virtue1 were afraid of their own weakness1 as it appeared to me easy to make of it a book as agreeable to read as it was to compose4 ,i have1 however1 applied myself but very little to this work1 the title of which was to have been ',morale ,sensitive' ou le ,materialisme du ,sage4----,interruptions1 the cause of which will soon appear1 prevented me from continuing it1 and the fate of the sketch1 which is more connected with my own than it may appear to be1 will hereafter be seen4 ,besides this1 ,i had for some time meditated a system of education1 of which ,madam de ,chenonceaux1 alarmed for her son by that of her husband1 had desired me to consider4 ,the authority of friendship placed this object1 although less in itself to my taste1 nearer to my heart than any other4 ,on which account this subject1 of all those of which ,i have just spoken1 is the only one ,i carried to its utmost extent4 ,the end ,i proposed to myself in treating of it should1 ,i think1 have procured the author a better fate4 ,but ,i will not here anticipate this melancholy subject4 ,i shall have too much reason to speak of it in the course of my work4 ,these different objects offered me subjects of meditation for my walks2 for1 as ,i believed ,i had already observed1 ,i am unable to reflect when ,i am not walking3 the moment ,i stop1 ,i think no more1 and as soon as ,i am again in motion my head resumes its workings4 ,i had1 however1 provided myself with a work for the closet upon rainy days4 ,this was my dictionary of music1 which my scattered1 mutilated1 and unshapen materials made it necessary to rewrite almost entirely4 ,i had with me some books necessary to this purpose2 ,i had spent two months in making extracts from others1 ,i had borrowed from the king's library1 whence ,i was permitted to take several to the ,hermitage4 ,i was thus provided with materials for composing in my apartment when the weather did not permit me to go out1 and my copying fatigued me4 ,this arrangement was so convenient that it made it turn to advantage as well at the ,hermitage as at ,montmorency1 and afterwards even at ,motiers1 where ,i completed the work whilst ,i was engaged in others1 and constantly found a change of occupation to be a real relaxation4 ,during a considerable time ,i exactly followed the distribution ,i had prescribed myself1 and found it very agreeable2 but as soon as the fine weather brought ,madam d',epinay more frequently to ,epinay1 or to the ,chervette1 ,i found that attentions1 in the first instance natural to me1 but which ,i had not considered in my scheme1 considerably deranged my projects4 ,i have already observed that ,madam d',epinay had many amiable qualities2 she sincerely loved her friends2 served them with zeal2 and1 not sparing for them either time or pains1 certainly deserved on their part every attention in return4 ,i had hitherto discharged this duty without considering it as one1 but at length ,i found that ,i had given myself a chain of which nothing but friendship prevented me from feeling the weight1 and this was still aggravated by my dislike to numerous societies4 ,madam d' ,epinay took advantage of these circumstances to make me a proposition seemingly agreeable to me1 but which was more so to herself2 this was to let me know when she was alone1 or had but little company4 ,i consented1 without perceiving to what a degree ,i engaged myself4 ,the consequence was that ,i no longer visited her at my own hour--but at hers1 and that ,i never was certain of being master of myself for a day together4 ,this constraint considerably diminished the pleasure ,i had in going to see her4 ,i found the liberty she had so frequently promised was given me upon no other condition than that of my never enjoying it2 and once or twice when ,i wished to do this there were so many messages1 notes1 and alarms relative to my health1 that ,i perceived that ,i could have no excuse but being confined to my bed1 for not immediately running to her upon the first intimation4 ,it was necessary ,i should submit to this yoke1 and ,i did it1 even more voluntarily than could be expected from so great an enemy to dependence3 the sincere attachment ,i had to ,madam ,d',epinay preventing me1 in a great measure1 from feeling the inconvenience with which it was accompanied4 ,she1 on her part1 filled up1 well or ill1 the void which the absence of her usual circle left in her amusements4 ,this for her was but a very slender supplement1 although preferable to absolute solitude1 which she could not support4 ,she had the means of doing it much more at her ease after she began with literature1 and at all events to write novels1 letters1 comedies1 tales1 and other trash of the same kind4 ,but she was not so much amused in writing these as in reading them2 and she never scribbled over two or three pages--at one sitting--without being previously assured of having1 at least1 two or three benevolent auditors at the end of so much labor4 ,i seldom had the honor of being one of the chosen few except by means of another4 ,when alone1 ,i was1 for the most part1 considered as a cipher in everything2 and this not only in the company of ,madam ,d',epinay1 but in that of ,m4 d',holbach1 and in every place where ,grimm gave the 'ton'4 ,this nullity was very convenient to me1 except in a tete-a-tete1 when ,i knew not what countenance to put on1 not daring to speak of literature1 of which it was not for me to say a word2 nor of gallantry1 being too timid1 and fearing1 more than death1 the ridiculousness of an old gallant2 besides that1 ,i never had such an idea when in the company of ,madam ,d',epinay1 and that it perhaps would never have occurred to me1 had ,i passed my whole life with her2 not that her person was in the least disagreeable to me2 on the contrary1 ,i loved her perhaps too much as a friend to do it as a lover4 ,i felt a pleasure in seeing and speaking to her4 ,her conversation1 although agreeable enough in a mixed company1 was uninteresting in private2 mine1 not more elegant or entertaining than her own1 was no great amusement to her4 ,ashamed of being long silent1 ,i endeavored to enliven our tete-a-tete and1 although this frequently fatigued me1 ,i was never disgusted with it4 ,i was happy to show her little attentions1 and gave her little fraternal kisses1 which seemed not to be more sensual to herself2 these were all4 ,she was very thin1 very pale1 and had a bosom which resembled the back of her hand4 ,this defect alone would have been sufficient to moderate my most ardent desires2 my heart never could distinguish a woman in a person who had it2 and besides other causes useless to mention1 always made me forget the sex of this lady4 ,having resolved to conform to an assiduity which was necessary1 ,i immediately and voluntarily entered upon it1 and for the first year at least1 found it less burthensome than ,i could have expected4 ,madam d',epinay1 who commonly passed the summer in the country1 continued there but a part of this2 whether she was more detained by her affairs in ,paris1 or that the absence of ,grimm rendered the residence of the ,chevrette less agreeable to her1 ,i know not4 ,i took the advantage of the intervals of her absence1 or when the company with her was numerous1 to enjoy my solitude with my good ,theresa and her mother1 in such a manner as to taste all its charms4 ,although ,i had for several years past been frequently in the country1 ,i seldom had enjoyed much of its pleasures2 and these excursions1 always made in company with people who considered themselves as persons of consequence1 and rendered insipid by constraint1 served to increase in me the natural desire ,i had for rustic pleasures4 ,the want of these was the more sensible to me as ,i had the image of them immediately before my eyes4 ,i was so tired of saloons1 jets d'eau1 groves1 parterres1 and of more fatiguing persons by whom they were shown2 so exhausted with pamphlets1 harpsichords1 trios1 unravellings of plots1 stupid bon mots1 insipid affections1 pitiful storytellers1 and great suppers2 that when ,i gave a side glance at a poor simple hawthorn bush1 a hedge1 a barn1 or a meadow2 when1 in passing through a hamlet1 ,i scented a good chervil omelette1 and heard at a distance the burden of a rustic song of the ,bisquieres2 ,i wished all rouge1 furbelows and ambergris at the devil1 and envying the dinner of the good housewife1 and the wine of her own vineyard1 ,i heartily wished to give a slap on the chaps to ,monsieur le ,chef and ,monsieur le ,maitre1 who made me dine at the hour of supper1 and sup when ,i should have been asleep1 but especially to ,messieurs the lackeys1 who devoured with their eyes the morsel ,i put into my mouth1 and upon pain of my dying with thirst1 sold me the adulterated wine of their master1 ten times dearer than that of a better quality would have cost me at a public house4 ,at length ,i was settled in an agreeable and solitary asylum1 at liberty to pass there the remainder of my days1 in that peaceful1 equal1 and independent life for which ,i felt myself born4 ,before ,i relate the effects this situation1 so new to me1 had upon my heart1 it is proper ,i should recapitulate its secret affections1 that the reader may better follow in their causes the progress of these new modifications4 ,i have always considered the day on which ,i was united to ,theresa as that which fixed my moral existence4 ,an attachment was necessary for me1 since that which should have been sufficient to my heart had been so cruelly broken4 ,the thirst after happiness is never extinguished in the heart of man4 ,mamma was advancing into years1 and dishonored herself6 ,i had proofs that she could never more be happy here below2 it therefore remained to me to seek my own happiness1 having lost all hopes of partaking of hers4 ,i was sometimes irresolute1 and fluctuated from one idea to another1 and from project to project4 ,my journey to ,venice would have thrown me into public life1 had the man with whom1 almost against my inclination1 ,i was connected there had common sense4 ,i was easily discouraged1 especially in undertakings of length and difficulty4 ,the ill success of this disgusted me with every other2 and1 according to my old maxims1 considering distant objects as deceitful allurements1 ,i resolved in future to provide for immediate wants1 seeing nothing in life which could tempt me to make extraordinary efforts4 ,it was precisely at this time we became acquainted4 ,the mild character of the good ,theresa seemed so fitted to my own1 that ,i united myself to her with an attachment which neither time nor injuries have been able to impair1 and which has constantly been increased by everything by which it might have been expected to be diminished4 ,the force of this sentiment will hereafter appear when ,i come to speak of the wounds she has given my heart in the height of my misery1 without my ever having1 until this moment1 once uttered a word of complaint to any person whatever4 ,when it shall be known1 that after having done everything1 braved everything1 not to separate from her2 that after passing with her twenty years in despite of fate and men2 ,i have in my old age made her my wife1 without the least expectation or solicitation on her part1 or promise or engagement on mine1 the world will think that love bordering upon madness1 having from the first moment turned my head1 led me by degrees to the last act of extravagance2 and this will no longer appear doubtful when the strong and particular reasons which should forever have prevented me from taking such a step are made known4 ,what1 therefore1 will the reader think when ,i shall have told him1 with all the truth he has ever found in me1 that1 from the first moment in which ,i saw her1 until that wherein ,i write1 ,i have never felt the least love for her1 that ,i never desired to possess her more than ,i did to possess ,madam de ,warens1 and that the physical wants which were satisfied with her person were1 to me1 solely those of the sex1 and by no means proceeding from the individual8 ,he will think that1 being of a constitution different from that of other men1 ,i was incapable of love1 since this was not one of the sentiments which attached me to women the most dear to my heart4 ,patience1 ,o my dear reader6 the fatal moment approaches in which you will be but too much undeceived4 ,i fall into repetitions2 ,i know it2 and these are necessary4 ,the first of my wants1 the greatest1 strongest and most insatiable1 was wholly in my heart2 the want of an intimate connection1 and as intimate as it could possibly be3 for this reason especially1 a woman was more necessary to me than a man1 a female rather than a male friend4 ,this singular want was such that the closest corporal union was not sufficient3 two souls would have been necessary to me in the same body1 without which ,i always felt a void4 ,i thought ,i was upon the point of filling it up forever4 ,this young person1 amiable by a thousand excellent qualities1 and at that time by her form1 without the shadow of art or coquetry1 would have confined within herself my whole existence1 could hers1 as ,i had hoped it would1 have been totally confined to me4 ,i had nothing to fear from men2 ,i am certain of being the only man she ever really loved and her moderate passions seldom wanted another1 not even after ,i ceased in this respect to be one to her4 ,i had no family2 she had one2 and this family was composed of individuals whose dispositions were so different from mine1 that ,i could never make it my own4 ,this was the first cause of my unhappiness4 ,what would ,i not have given to be the child of her mother8 ,i did everything in my power to become so1 but could never succeed4 ,i in vain attempted to unite all our interests3 this was impossible4 ,she always created herself one different from mine1 contrary to it1 and to that even of her daughter1 which already was no longer separated from it4 ,she1 her other children1 and grand-children1 became so many leeches1 and the least evil these did to ,theresa was robbing her4 ,the poor girl1 accustomed to submit1 even to her nieces1 suffered herself to be pilfered and governed without saying a word2 and ,i perceived with grief that by exhausting my purse1 and giving her advice1 ,i did nothing that could be of any real advantage to her4 ,i endeavored to detach her from her mother2 but she constantly resisted such a proposal4 ,i could not but respect her resistance1 and esteemed her the more for it2 but her refusal was not on this account less to the prejudice of us both4 ,abandoned to her mother and the rest of her family1 she was more their companion than mine1 and rather at their command than mistress of herself4 ,their avarice was less ruinous than their advice was pernicious to her2 in fact1 if1 on account of the love she had for me1 added to her good natural disposition1 she was not quite their slave1 she was enough so to prevent in a great measure the effect of the good maxims ,i endeavored to instil into her1 and1 notwithstanding all my efforts1 to prevent our being united4 ,thus was it1 that notwithstanding a sincere and reciprocal attachment1 in which ,i had lavished all the tenderness of my heart1 the void in that heart was never completely filled4 ,children1 by whom this effect should have been produced1 were brought into the world1 but these only made things worse4 ,i trembled at the thought of intrusting them to a family ill brought up1 to be still worse educated4 ,the risk of the education of the foundling hospital was much less4 ,this reason for the resolution ,i took1 much stronger than all those ,i stated in my letter to ,madam de ,francueil1 was1 however1 the only one with which ,i dared not make her acquainted2 ,i chose rather to appear less excusable than to expose to reproach the family of a person ,i loved4 ,but by the conduct of her wretched brother1 notwithstanding all that can be said in his defence1 it will be judged whether or not ,i ought to have exposed my children to an education similar to his4 ,not having it in my power to taste in all its plentitude the charms of that intimate connection of which ,i felt the want1 ,i sought for substitutes which did not fill up the void1 yet they made it less sensible4 ,not having a friend entirely devoted to me1 ,i wanted others1 whose impulse should overcome my indolence2 for this reason ,i cultivated and strengthened my connection with ,diderot and the ,abbe de ,condillac1 formed with ,grimm a new one still more intimate1 till at length by the unfortunate discourse1 of which ,i have related some particulars1 ,i unexpectedly found myself thrown back into a literary circle which ,i thought ,i had quitted forever4 ,my first steps conducted me by a new path to another intellectual world1 the simple and noble economy of which ,i cannot contemplate without enthusiasm4 ,i reflected so much on the subject that ,i soon saw nothing but error and folly in the doctrine of our sages1 and oppression and misery in our social order4 ,in the illusion of my foolish pride1 ,i thought myself capable of destroying all imposture2 and thinking that1 to make myself listened to1 it was necessary my conduct should agree with my principles1 ,i adopted the singular manner of life which ,i have not been permitted to continue1 the example of which my pretended friends have never forgiven me1 which at first made me ridiculous1 and would at length have rendered me respectable1 had it been possible for me to persevere4 ,until then ,i had been good2 from that moment ,i became virtuous1 or at least infatuated with virtue4 ,this infatuation had begun in my head1 but afterwards passed into my heart4 ,the most noble pride there took root amongst the ruins of extirpated vanity4 ,i affected nothing2 ,i became what ,i appeared to be1 and during four years at least1 whilst this effervescence continued at its greatest height1 there is nothing great and good that can enter the heart of man1 of which ,i was not capable between heaven and myself4 ,hence flowed my sudden eloquence2 hence1 in my first writings1 that fire really celestial1 which consumed me1 and whence during forty years not a single spark had escaped1 because it was not yet lighted up4 ,i was really transformed2 my friends and acquaintance scarcely knew me4 ,i was no longer that timid1 and rather bashful than modest man1 who neither dared to present himself1 nor utter a word2 whom a single pleasantry disconcerted1 and whose face was covered with a blush the moment his eyes met those of a woman4 ,i became bold1 haughty1 intrepid1 with a confidence the more firm1 as it was simple1 and resided in my soul rather than in my manner4 ,the contempt with which my profound meditations had inspired me for the manners1 maxims and prejudices of the age in which ,i lived1 rendered me proof against the raillery of those by whom they were possessed1 and ,i crushed their little pleasantries with a sentence1 as ,i would have crushed an insect with my fingers4 ,what a change6 ,all ,paris repeated the severe and acute sarcasms of the same man who1 two years before1 and ten years afterwards1 knew not how to find what he had to say1 nor the word he ought to employ4 ,let the situation in the world the most contrary to my natural disposition be sought after1 and this will be found4 ,let one of the short moments of my life in which ,i became another man1 and ceased to be myself1 be recollected1 this also will be found in the time of which ,i speak2 but1 instead of continuing only six days1 or six weeks1 it lasted almost six years1 and would perhaps still continue1 but for the particular circumstances which caused it to cease1 and restored me to nature1 above which ,i had wished to soar4 ,the beginning of this change took place as soon as ,i had quitted ,paris1 and the sight of the vices of that city no longer kept up the indignation with which it had inspired me4 ,i no sooner had lost sight of men than ,i ceased to despise them1 and once removed from those who designed me evil1 my hatred against them no longer existed4 ,my heart1 little fitted for hatred1 pitied their misery1 and even their wickedness4 ,this situation1 more pleasing but less sublime1 soon allayed the ardent enthusiasm by which ,i had so long been transported2 and ,i insensibly1 almost to myself even1 again became fearful1 complaisant and timid2 in a word1 the same ,jean ,jacques ,i before had been4 ,had this resolution gone no further than restoring me to myself1 all would have been well2 but unfortunately it rapidly carried me away to the other extreme4 ,from that moment my mind in agitation passed the line of repose1 and its oscillations1 continually renewed1 have never permitted it to remain here4 ,i must enter into some detail of this second revolution2 terrible and fatal era1 of a fate unparalleled amongst mortals4 ,we were but three persons in our retirement2 it was therefore natural our intimacy should be increased by leisure and solitude4 ,this was the case between ,theresa and myself4 ,we passed in conversations in the shade the most charming and delightful hours1 more so than any ,i had hitherto enjoyed4 ,she seemed to taste of this sweet intercourse more than ,i had until then observed her to do2 she opened her heart1 and communicated to me1 relative to her mother and family1 things she had had resolution enough to conceal for a great length of time4 ,both had received from ,madam ,dupin numerous presents1 made them on my account1 and mostly for me1 but which the cunning old woman1 to prevent my being angry1 had appropriated to her own use and that of her other children1 without suffering ,theresa to have the least share1 strongly forbidding her to say a word to me of the matter3 an order the poor girl had obeyed with an incredible exactness4 ,but another thing which surprised me more than this had done1 was the discovery that besides the private conversations ,diderot and ,grimm had frequently had with both to endeavor to detach them from me1 in which1 by means of the resistance of ,theresa1 they had not been able to succeed1 they had afterwards had frequent conferences with the mother1 the subject of which was a secret to the daughter4 ,however1 she knew little presents had been made1 and that there were mysterious goings backward and forward1 the motive of which was entirely unknown to her4 ,when we left ,paris1 ,madam le ,vasseur had long been in the habit of going to see ,grimm twice or thrice a month1 and continuing with him for hours together1 in conversation so secret that the servant was always sent out of the room4 ,i judged this motive to be of the same nature with the project into which they had attempted to make the daughter enter1 by promising to procure her and her mother1 by means of ,madam d',epinay1 a salt huckster's license1 or snuff-shop2 in a word1 by tempting her with the allurements of gain4 ,they had been told that1 as ,i was not in a situation to do anything for them1 ,i could not1 on their account1 do anything for myself4 ,as in all this ,i saw nothing but good intentions1 ,i was not absolutely displeased with them for it4 ,the mystery was the only thing which gave me pain1 especially on the part of the old woman1 who moreover daily became more parasitical and flattering towards me4 ,this1 however1 did not prevent her from reproaching her daughter in private with telling me everything1 and loving me too much1 observing to her she was a fool and would at length be made a dupe4 ,this woman possessed1 to a supreme degree1 the art of multiplying the presents made her1 by concealing from one what she received from another1 and from me what she received from all4 ,i could have pardoned her avarice1 but it was impossible ,i should forgive her dissimulation4 ,what could she have to conceal from me whose happiness she knew principally consisted in that of herself and her daughter8 ,what ,i had done for the daughter ,i had done for myself1 but the services ,i rendered the mother merited on her part some acknowledgment4 ,she ought1 at least1 to have thought herself obliged for them to her daughter1 and to have loved me for the sake of her by whom ,i was already beloved4 ,i had raised her from the lowest state of wretchedness2 she received from my hands the means of subsistence1 and was indebted to me for her acquaintance with the persons from whom she found means to reap considerable benefit4 ,theresa had long supported her by her industry1 and now maintained her with my bread4 ,she owed everything to this daughter1 for whom she had done nothing1 and her other children1 to whom she had given marriage portions1 and on whose account she had ruined herself1 far from giving her the least aid1 devoured her substance and mine4 ,i thought that in such a situation she ought to consider me as her only friend and most sure protector1 and that1 far from making of my own affairs a secret to me1 and conspiring against me in my house1 it was her duty faithfully to acquaint me with everything in which ,i was interested1 when this came to her knowledge before it did to mine4 ,in what light1 therefore1 could ,i consider her false and mysterious conduct8 ,what could ,i think of the sentiments with which she endeavored to inspire her daughter8 ,what monstrous ingratitude was hers1 to endeavor to instil it into her from whom ,i expected my greatest consolation8 ,these reflections at length alienated my affections from this woman1 and to such a degree that ,i could no longer look upon her but with contempt4 ,i nevertheless continued to treat with respect the mother of the friend of my bosom1 and in everything to show her almost the reverence of a son2 but ,i must confess ,i could not remain long with her without pain1 and that ,i never knew how to bear restraint4 ,this is another short moment of my life1 in which ,i approached near to happiness without being able to attain it1 and this by no fault of my own4 ,had the mother been of a good disposition we all three should have been happy to the end of our days2 the longest liver only would have been to be pitied4 ,instead of which1 the reader will see the course things took1 and judge whether or not it was in my power to change it4 ,madam le ,vasseur1 who perceived ,i had got more full possession of the heart of ,theresa1 and that she had lost ground with her1 endeavored to regain it2 and instead of striving to restore herself to my good opinion by the mediation of her daughter attempted to alienate her affections from me4 ,one of the means she employed was to call her family to her aid4 ,i had begged ,theresa not to invite any of her relations to the ,hermitage1 and she had promised me she would not4 ,these were sent for in my absence1 without consulting her1 and she was afterwards prevailed upon to promise not to say anything of the matter4 ,after the first step was taken all the rest were easy4 ,when once we make a secret of anything to the person we love1 we soon make little scruple of doing it in everything2 the moment ,i was at the ,chevrette the ,hermitage was full of people who sufficiently amused themselves4 ,a mother has always great power over a daughter of a mild disposition2 yet notwithstanding all the old woman could do1 she was never able to prevail upon ,theresa to enter into her views1 nor to persuade her to join in the league against me4 ,for her part1 she resolved upon doing it forever1 and seeing on one side her daughter and myself1 who were in a situation to live1 and that was all2 on the other1 ,diderot1 ,grimm1 ,d' ,holbach and ,madam d',epinay1 who promised great things1 and gave some little ones1 she could not conceive it was possible to be in the wrong with the wife of a farmer-general and baron4 ,had ,i been more clear sighted1 ,i should from this moment have perceived ,i nourished a serpent in my bosom4 ,but my blind confidence1 which nothing had yet diminished1 was such that ,i could not imagine she wished to injure the person she ought to love4 ,though ,i saw numerous conspiracies formed on every side1 all ,i complain of was the tyranny of persons who called themselves my friends1 and who1 as it seemed1 would force me to be happy in the manner they should point out1 and not in that ,i had chosen for myself4 ,although ,theresa refused to join in the confederacy with her mother1 she afterwards kept her secret4 ,for this her motive was commendable1 although ,i will not determine whether she did it well or ill4 ,two women1 who have secrets between them1 love to prattle together2 this attracted them towards each other1 and ,theresa1 by dividing herself1 sometimes let me feel ,i was alone2 for ,i could no longer consider as a society that which we all three formed4 ,i now felt the neglect ,i had been guilty of during the first years of our connection1 in not taking advantage of the docility with which her love inspired her1 to improve her talents and give her knowledge1 which1 by more closely connecting us in our retirement would agreeably have filled up her time and my own1 without once suffering us to perceive the length of a private conversation4 ,not that this was ever exhausted between us1 or that she seemed disgusted with our walks2 but we had not a sufficient number of ideas common to both to make ourselves a great store1 and we could not incessantly talk of our future projects which were confined to those of enjoying the pleasures of life4 ,the objects around us inspired me with reflections beyond the reach of her comprehension4 ,an attachment of twelve years' standing had no longer need of words3 we were too well acquainted with each other to have any new knowledge to acquire in that respect4 ,the resource of puns1 jests1 gossiping and scandal1 was all that remained4 ,in solitude especially is it1 that the advantage of living with a person who knows how to think is particularly felt4 ,i wanted not this resource to amuse myself with her2 but she would have stood in need of it to have always found amusement with me4 ,the worst of all was our being obliged to hold our conversations when we could2 her mother1 who become importunate1 obliged me to watch for opportunities to do it4 ,i was under constraint in my own house3 this is saying everything2 the air of love was prejudicial to good friendship4 ,we had an intimate intercourse without living in intimacy4 ,the moment ,i thought ,i perceived that ,theresa sometimes sought for a pretext to elude the walks ,i proposed to her1 ,i ceased to invite her to accompany me1 without being displeased with her for not finding in them so much amusement as ,i did4 ,pleasure is not a thing which depends upon the will4 ,i was sure of her heart1 and the possession of this was all ,i desired4 ,as long as my pleasures were hers1 ,i tasted of them with her2 when this ceased to be the case ,i preferred her contentment to my own4 ,in this manner it was that1 half deceived in my expectation1 leading a life after my own heart1 in a residence ,i had chosen with a person who was dear to me1 ,i at length found myself almost alone4 ,what ,i still wanted prevented me from enjoying what ,i had4 ,with respect to happiness and enjoyment1 everything or nothing1 was what was necessary to me4 ,the reason of these observations will hereafter appear4 ,at present ,i return to the thread of my narrative4 ,i imagined that ,i possessed treasures in the manuscripts given me by the ,comte de ,st4 ,pierre4 ,on examination ,i found they were a little more than the collection of the printed works of his uncle1 with notes and corrections by his own hand1 and a few other trifling fragments which had not yet been published4 ,i confirmed myself by these moral writings in the idea ,i had conceived from some of his letters1 shown me by ,madam de ,crequi1 that he had more sense and ingenuity than at first ,i had imagined2 but after a careful examination of his political works1 ,i discerned nothing but superficial notions1 and projects that were useful but impracticable1 in consequence of the idea from which the author never could depart1 that men conducted themselves by their sagacity rather than by their passions4 ,the high opinion he had of the knowledge of the moderns had made him adopt this false principle of improved reason1 the basis of all the institutions he proposed1 and the source of his political sophisms4 ,this extraordinary man1 an honor to the age in which he lived1 and to the human species1 and perhaps the only person1 since the creation of mankind1 whose sole passion was that of reason1 wandered in all his systems from error to error1 by attempting to make men like himself1 instead of taking them as they were1 are1 and will continue to be4 ,he labored for imaginary beings1 while he thought himself employed for the benefit of his contemporaries4 ,all these things considered1 ,i was rather embarrassed as to the form ,i should give to my work4 ,to suffer the author's visions to pass was doing nothing useful2 fully to refute them would have been unpolite1 as the care of revising and publishing his manuscripts1 which ,i had accepted1 and even requested1 had been intrusted to me2 this trust had imposed on me the obligation of treating the author honorably4 ,i at length concluded upon that which to me appeared the most decent1 judicious1 and useful4 ,this was to give separately my own ideas and those of the author1 and1 for this purpose1 to enter into his views1 to set them in a new light1 to amplify1 extend them1 and spare nothing which might contribute to present them in all their excellence4 ,my work therefore was to be composed of two parts absolutely distinct3 one1 to explain1 in the manner ,i have just mentioned1 the different projects of the author2 in the other1 which was not to appear until the first had had its effect1 ,i should have given my opinion upon these projects1 which ,i confess might sometimes have exposed them to the fate of the sonnet of the misanthrope4 ,at the head of the whole was to have been the life of the author4 ,for this ,i had collected some good materials1 and which ,i flattered myself ,i should not spoil in making use of them4 ,i had been a little acquainted with the ,abbe de ,st4 ,pierre1 in his old age1 and the veneration ,i had for his memory warranted to me1 upon the whole1 that the comte would not be dissatisfied with the manner in which ,i should have treated his relation4 ,i made my first essay on the ',perpetual ,peace'1 the greatest and most elaborate of all the works which composed the collection2 and before ,i abandoned myself to my reflections ,i had the courage to read everything the abbe had written upon this fine subject1 without once suffering myself to be disgusted either by his slowness or his repetitions4 ,the public has seen the extract1 on which account ,i have nothing to say upon the subject4 ,my opinion of it has not been printed1 nor do ,i know that it ever will be2 however1 it was written at the same time the extract was made4 ,from this ,i passed to the ',polysynodie'1 or ,plurality of ,councils1 a work written under the regent to favor the administration he had chosen1 and which caused the ,abbe de ,saint ,pierre to be expelled from the academy1 on account of some remarks unfavorable to the preceding administration1 and with which the ,duchess of ,maine and the ,cardinal de ,polignac were displeased4 ,i completed this work as ,i did the former1 with an extract and remarks2 but ,i stopped here without intending to continue the undertaking which ,i ought never to have begun4 ,the reflection which induced me to give it up naturally presents itself1 and it was astonishing ,i had not made it sooner4 ,most of the writings of the ,abbe de ,saint ,pierre were either observations1 or contained observations1 on some parts of the government of ,france1 and several of these were of so free a nature1 that it was happy for him he had made them with impunity4 ,but in the offices of all the ministers of state the ,abbe de ,st4 ,pierre had ever been considered as a kind of preacher rather than a real politician1 and he was suffered to say what he pleased1 because it appeared that nobody listened to him4 ,had ,i procured him readers the case would have been different4 ,he was a ,frenchman1 and ,i was not one2 and by repeating his censures1 although in his own name1 ,i exposed myself to be asked1 rather rudely1 but without injustice1 what it was with which ,i meddled4 ,happily before ,i proceeded any further1 ,i perceived the hold ,i was about to give the government against me1 and ,i immediately withdrew4 ,i knew that1 living alone in the midst of men more powerful than myself1 ,i never could by any means whatever be sheltered from the injury they chose to do me4 ,there was but one thing which depended upon my own efforts3 this was1 to observe such a line of conduct that whenever they chose to make me feel the weight of authority they could not do it without being unjust4 ,the maxim which induced me to decline proceeding with the works of the ,abbe de ,saint ,pierre1 has frequently made me give up projects ,i had much more at heart4 ,people who are always ready to construe adversity into a crime1 would be much surprised were they to know the pains ,i have taken1 that during my misfortunes it might never with truth be said of me1 ,thou hast deserved them4 ,after having given up the manuscript1 ,i remained some time without determining upon the work which should succeed it1 and this interval of inactivity was destructive2 by permitting me to turn my reflections on myself1 for want of another object to engage my attention4 ,i had no project for the future which could amuse my imagination4 ,it was not even possible to form any1 as my situation was precisely that in which all my desires were united4 ,i had not another to conceive1 and yet there was a void in my heart4 ,this state was the more cruel1 as ,i saw no other that was to be preferred to it4 ,i had fixed my most tender affections upon a person who made me a return of her own4 ,i lived with her without constraint1 and1 so to speak1 at discretion4 ,notwithstanding this1 a secret grief of mind never quitted me for a moment1 either when she was present or absent4 ,in possessing ,theresa1 ,i still perceived she wanted something to her happiness2 and the sole idea of my not being everything to her had such an effect upon my mind that she was next to nothing to me4 ,i had friends of both sexes1 to whom ,i was attached by the purest friendship and most perfect esteem2 ,i depended upon a real return on their part1 and a doubt of their sincerity never entered my mind2 yet this friendship was more tormenting than agreeable to me1 by their obstinate perseverance and even by their affectation1 in opposing my taste1 inclinations and manner of living2 and this to such a degree1 that the moment ,i seemed to desire a thing which interested myself only1 and depended not upon them1 they immediately joined their efforts to oblige me to renounce it4 ,this continued desire to control me in all my wishes1 the more unjust1 as ,i did not so much as make myself acquainted with theirs1 became so cruelly oppressive1 that ,i never received one of their letters without feeling a certain terror as ,i opened it1 and which was but too well justified by the contents4 ,i thought being treated like a child by persons younger than myself1 and who1 of themselves1 stood in great need of the advice they so prodigally bestowed on me1 was too much3 ,love me1 said ,i to them1 as ,i love you1 but1 in every other respect1 let my affairs be as indifferent to you1 as yours are to me3 this is all ,i ask4 ,if they granted me one of these two requests1 it was not the latter4 ,i had a retired residence in a charming solitude1 was master of my own house1 and could live in it in the manner ,i thought proper1 without being controlled by any person4 ,this habitation imposed on me duties agreeable to discharge1 but which were indispensable4 ,my liberty was precarious4 ,in a greater state of subjection than a person at the command of another1 it was my duty to be so by inclination4 ,when ,i arose in the morning1 ,i never could say to myself1 ,i will employ this day as ,i think proper4 ,and1 moreover1 besides my being subject to obey the call of ,madam d',epinay1 ,i was exposed to the still more disagreeable importunities of the public and chance comers4 ,the distance ,i was at from ,paris did not prevent crowds of idlers1 not knowing how to spend their time1 from daily breaking in upon me1 and1 without the least scruple1 freely disposing of mine4 ,when ,i least expected visitors ,i was unmercifully assailed by them1 and ,i seldom made a plan for the agreeable employment of the day that was not counteracted by the arrival of some stranger4 ,in short1 finding no real enjoyment in the midst of the pleasures ,i had been most desirous to obtain1 ,i1 by sudden mental transitions1 returned in imagination to the serene days of my youth1 and sometimes exclaimed with a sigh3 ,ah6 this is not ,les ,charmettes6 ,the recollection of the different periods of my life led me to reflect upon that at which ,i was arrived1 and ,i found ,i was already on the decline1 a prey to painful disorders1 and imagined ,i was approaching the end of my days without having1 tasted1 in all its plentitude1 scarcely any one of the pleasures after which my heart had so much thirsted1 or having given scope to the lively sentiments ,i felt it had in reserve4 ,i had not favored even that intoxicating voluptuousness with which my mind was richly stored1 and which1 for want of an object1 was always compressed1 and never exhaled but by signs4 ,how was it possible that1 with a mind naturally expansive1 ,i1 with whom to live was to love1 should not hitherto have found a friend entirely devoted to me2 a real friend3 ,i who felt myself so capable of being such a friend to another8 ,how can it be accounted for that with such warm affections1 such combustible senses1 and a heart wholly made up of love1 ,i had not once1 at least1 felt its flame for a determinate object8 ,tormented by the want of loving1 without ever having been able to satisfy it1 ,i perceived myself approaching the eve of old age1 and hastening on to death without having lived4 ,these melancholy but affecting recollections led me to others1 which1 although accompanied with regret1 were not wholly unsatisfactory4 ,i thought something ,i had not yet received was still due to me from destiny4 ,to what end was ,i born with exquisite faculties8 ,to suffer them to remain unemployed8 the sentiment of conscious merit1 which made me consider myself as suffering injustice1 was some kind of reparation1 and caused me to shed tears which with pleasure ,i suffered to flow4 ,these were my mediations during the finest season of the year1 in the month of ,june1 in cool shades1 to the songs of the nightingale1 and the warbling of brooks4 ,everything concurred in plunging me into that too seducing state of indolence for which ,i was born1 and from which my austere manner1 proceeding from a long effervescence1 should forever have delivered me4 ,i unfortunately remembered the dinner of the ,chateau de ,toune1 and my meeting with the two charming girls in the same season1 in places much resembling that in which ,i then was4 ,the remembrance of these circumstances1 which the innocence that accompanied them rendered to me still more dear1 brought several others of the nature to my recollection4 ,i presently saw myself surrounded by all the objects which1 in my youth1 had given me emotion4 ,mademoiselle ,galley1 ,mademoiselle de ,graffenried1 ,mademoiselle de ,breil1 ,madam ,basile1 ,madam de ,larnage1 my pretty scholars1 and even the bewitching ,zulietta1 whom my heart could not forget4 ,i found myself in the midst of a seraglio of houris of my old acquaintance1 for whom the most lively inclination was not new to me4 ,my blood became inflamed1 my head turned1 notwithstanding my hair was almost gray1 and the grave citizen of ,geneva1 the austere ,jean ,jacques1 at forty-five years of age1 again became the fond shepherd4 ,the intoxication1 with which my mind was seized1 although sudden and extravagant1 was so strong and lasting1 that1 to enable me to recover from it1 nothing less than the unforeseen and terrible crisis it brought on was necessary4 ,this intoxication1 to whatever degree it was carried1 went not so far as to make me forget my age and situation1 to flatter me that ,i could still inspire love1 nor to make me attempt to communicate the devouring flame by which ever since my youth ,i had felt my heart in vain consumed4 ,for this ,i did not hope2 ,i did not even desire it4 ,i knew the season of love was past2 ,i knew too well in what contempt the ridiculous pretensions of superannuated gallants were held1 ever to add one to the number1 and ,i was not a man to become an impudent coxcomb in the decline of life1 after having been so little such during the flower of my age4 ,besides1 as a friend to peace1 ,i should have been apprehensive of domestic dissensions2 and ,i too sincerely loved ,theresa to expose her to the mortification of seeing me entertain for others more lively sentiments than those with which she inspired me for herself4 ,what step did ,i take upon this occasion8 ,my reader will already have guessed it1 if he has taken the trouble to pay the least attention to my narrative4 ,the impossibility of attaining real beings threw me into the regions of chimera1 and seeing nothing in existence worthy of my delirium1 ,i sought food for it in the ideal world1 which my imagination quickly peopled with beings after my own heart4 ,this resource never came more apropos1 nor was it ever so fertile4 ,in my continual ecstasy ,i intoxicated my mind with the most delicious sentiments that ever entered the heart of man4 ,entirely forgetting the human species1 ,i formed to myself societies of perfect beings1 whose virtues were as celestial as their beauty1 tender and faithful friends1 such as ,i never found here below4 ,i became so fond of soaring in the empyrean1 in the midst of the charming objects with which ,i was surrounded1 that ,i thus passed hours and days without perceiving it2 and1 losing the remembrance of all other things1 ,i scarcely had eaten a morsel in haste before ,i was impatient to make my escape and run to regain my groves4 ,when ready to depart for the enchanted world1 ,i saw arrive wretched mortals who came to detain me upon earth1 ,i could neither conceal nor moderate my vexation2 and no longer master of myself1 ,i gave them so uncivil a reception1 that it might justly be termed brutal4 ,this tended to confirm my reputation as a misanthrope1 from the very cause which1 could the world have read my heart1 should have acquired me one of a nature directly opposite4 ,in the midst of my exultation ,i was pulled down like a paper kite1 and restored to my proper place by means of a smart attack of my disorder4 ,i recurred to the only means that had before given me relief1 and thus made a truce with my angelic amours2 for besides that it seldom happens that a man is amorous when he suffers1 my imagination1 which is animated in the country and beneath the shade of trees1 languishes and becomes extinguished in a chamber1 and under the joists of a ceiling4 ,i frequently regretted that there existed no dryads2 it would certainly have been amongst these that ,i should have fixed my attachment4 ,other domestic broils came at the same time to increase my chagrin4 ,madam le ,vasseur1 while making me the finest compliments in the world1 alienated from me her daughter as much as she possibly could4 ,i received letters from my late neighborhood1 informing me that the good old lady had secretly contracted several debts in the name of ,theresa1 to whom these became known1 but of which she had never mentioned to me a word4 ,the debts to be paid hurt me much less than the secret that had been made of them4 ,how could she1 for whom ,i had never had a secret1 have one from me8 ,is it possible to dissimulate with persons whom we love8 ,the ',coterie ,holbachique'1 who found ,i never made a journey to ,paris1 began seriously to be afraid ,i was happy and satisfied in the country1 and madman enough to reside there4 ,hence the cabals by which attempts were made to recall me indirectly to the city4 ,diderot1 who did not immediately wish to show himself1 began by detaching from me ,de ,leyre1 whom ,i had brought acquainted with him1 and who received and transmitted to me the impressions ,diderot chose to give without suspecting to what end they were directed4 ,everything seemed to concur in withdrawing me from my charming and mad reverie4 ,i was not recovered from the late attack ,i had when ,i received the copy of the poem on the destruction of ,lisbon1 which ,i imagined to be sent by the author4 ,this made it necessary ,i should write to him and speak of his composition4 ,i did so1 and my letter was a long time afterwards printed without my consent1 as ,i shall hereafter have occasion to remark4 ,struck by seeing this poor man overwhelmed1 if ,i may so speak1 with prosperity and honor1 bitterly exclaiming against the miseries of this life1 and finding everything to be wrong1 ,i formed the mad project of making him turn his attention to himself1 and of proving to him that everything was right4 ,voltaire1 while he appeared to believe in ,god1 never really believed in anything but the devil2 since his pretended deity is a malicious being1 who1 according to him1 had no pleasure but in evil4 ,the glaring absurdity of this doctrine is particularly disgusting from a man enjoying the greatest prosperity2 who1 from the bosom of happiness1 endeavors1 by the frightful and cruel image of all the calamities from which he is exempt1 to reduce his fellow creatures to despair4 ,i1 who had a better right than he to calculate and weigh all the evils of human life1 impartially examined them1 and proved to him that of all possible evils there was not one to be attributed to ,providence1 and which had not its source rather in the abusive use man made of his faculties than in nature4 ,i treated him1 in this letter1 with the greatest respect and delicacy possible4 ,yet1 knowing his self-love to be extremely irritable1 ,i did not send the letter immediately to himself1 but to ,doctor ,tronchin1 his physician and friend1 with full power either to give it him or destroy it4 ,voltaire informed me in a few lines that being ill1 having likewise the care of a sick person1 he postponed his answer until some future day1 and said not a word on the subject4 ,tronchin1 when he sent me the letter1 inclosed in it another1 in which he expressed but very little esteem for the person from whom he received it4 ,i have never published1 nor even shown1 either of these two letters1 not liking to make a parade of such little triumphs2 but the originals are in my collections4 ,since that time ,voltaire has published the answer he promised me1 but which ,i never received4 ,this is the novel of ',candide'1 of which ,i cannot speak because ,i have not read it4 ,all these interruptions ought to have cured me of my fantastic amours1 and they were perhaps the means offered me by ,heaven to prevent their destructive consequences2 but my evil genius prevailed1 and ,i had scarcely begun to go out before my heart1 my head1 and my feet returned to the same paths4 ,i say the same in certain respects2 for my ideas1 rather less exalted1 remained this time upon earth1 but yet were busied in making so exquisite a choice of all that was to be found there amiable of every kind1 that it was not much less chimerical than the imaginary world ,i had abandoned4 ,i figured to myself love and friendship1 the two idols of my heart1 under the most ravishing images4 ,i amused myself in adorning them with all the charms of the sex ,i had always adored4 ,i imagined two female friends rather than two of my own sex1 because1 although the example be more rare1 it is also more amiable4 ,i endowed them with different characters1 but analogous to their connection1 with two faces1 not perfectly beautiful1 but according to my taste1 and animated with benevolence and sensibility4 ,i made one brown and the other fair1 one lively and the other languishing1 one wise and the other weak1 but of so amiable a weakness that it seemed to add a charm to virtue4 ,i gave to one of the two a lover1 of whom the other was the tender friend1 and even something more1 but ,i did not admit either rivalry1 quarrels1 or jealousy3 because every painful sentiment is painful for me to imagine1 and ,i was unwilling to tarnish this delightful picture by anything which was degrading to nature4 ,smitten with my two charming models1 ,i drew my own portrait in the lover and the friend1 as much as it was possible to do it2 but ,i made him young and amiable1 giving him1 at the same time1 the virtues and the defects which ,i felt in myself4 ,that ,i might place my characters in a residence proper for them1 ,i successively passed in review the most beautiful places ,i had seen in my travels4 ,but ,i found no grove sufficiently delightful1 no landscape that pleased me4 ,the valleys of ,thessaly would have satisfied me had ,i but once had a sight of them2 but my imagination1 fatigued with invention1 wished for some real place which might serve it as a point to rest upon1 and create in me an illusion with respect to the real existence of the inhabitants ,i intended to place there4 ,i thought a good while upon the ,borromean ,islands1 the delightful prospect of which had transported me1 but ,i found in them too much art and ornament for my lovers4 ,i however wanted a lake1 and ,i concluded by making choice of that about which my heart has never ceased to wander4 ,i fixed myself upon that part of the banks of this lake where my wishes have long since placed my residence in the imaginary happiness to which fate has confined me4 ,the native place of my poor mamma had still for me a charm4 ,the contrast of the situations1 the richness and variety of the sites1 the magnificence1 the majesty of the whole1 which ravishes the senses1 affects the heart1 and elevates the mind1 determined me to give it the preference1 and ,i placed my young pupils at ,vervey4 ,this is what ,i imagined at the first sketch2 the rest was not added until afterwards4 ,i for a long time confined myself to this vague plan1 because it was sufficient to fill my imagination with agreeable objects1 and my heart with sentiments in which it delighted4 ,these fictions1 by frequently presenting themselves1 at length gained a consistence1 and took in my mind a determined form4 ,i then had an inclination to express upon paper some of the situations fancy presented to me1 and1 recollecting everything ,i had felt during my youth1 thus1 in some measure1 gave an object to that desire of loving1 which ,i had never been able to satisfy1 and by which ,i felt myself consumed4 ,i first wrote a few incoherent letters1 and when ,i afterwards wished to give them connection1 ,i frequently found a difficulty in doing it4 ,what is scarcely credible1 although most strictly true1 is my having written the first two parts almost wholly in this manner1 without having any plan formed1 and not foreseeing ,i should one day be tempted to make it a regular work4 ,for this reason the two parts afterwards formed of materials not prepared for the place in which they are disposed1 are full of unmeaning expressions not found in the others4 ,in the midst of my reveries ,i had a visit from ,madam d',houdetot1 the first she had ever made me1 but which unfortunately was not the last1 as will hereafter appear4 ,the ,comtesse d',houdetot was the daughter of the late ,m4 de ,bellegarde1 a farmer-general1 sister to ,m4 d',epinay1 and ,messieurs de ,lalive and ,de la ,briche1 both of whom have since been introductors to ambassadors4 ,i have spoken of the acquaintance ,i made with her before she was married3 since that event ,i had not seen her1 except at the fetes at ,la ,chevrette1 with ,madam d',epinay1 her sister-in-law4 ,having frequently passed several days with her1 both at ,la ,chevrette and ,epinay1 ,i always thought her amiable1 and that she seemed to be my well-wisher4 ,she was fond of walking with me2 we were both good walkers1 and the conversation between us was inexhaustible4 ,however1 ,i never went to see her in ,paris1 although she had several times requested and solicited me to do it4 ,her connections with ,m4 de ,st4 ,lambert1 with whom ,i began to be intimate1 rendered her more interesting to me1 and it was to bring me some account of that friend who was1 ,i believe1 then at ,mahon1 that she came to see me at the ,hermitage4 ,this visit had something of the appearance of the beginning of a romance4 ,she lost her way4 ,her coachman1 quitting the road1 which turned to the right1 attempted to cross straight over from the mill of ,clairvaux to the ,hermitage3 her carriage stuck in a quagmire in the bottom of the valley1 and she got out and walked the rest of the road4 ,her delicate shoes were soon worn through2 she sunk into the dirt1 her servants had the greatest difficulty in extricating her1 and she at length arrived at the ,hermitage in boots1 making the place resound with her laughter1 in which ,i most heartily joined4 ,she had to change everything4 ,theresa provided her with what was necessary1 and ,i prevailed upon her to forget her dignity and partake of a rustic collation1 with which she seemed highly satisfied4 ,it was late1 and her stay was short2 but the interview was so mirthful that it pleased her1 and she seemed disposed to return4 ,she did not however put this project into execution until the next year3 but1 alas6 the delay was not favorable to me in anything4 ,i passed the autumn in an employment no person would suspect me of undertaking3 this was guarding the fruit of ,m4 d',epinay4 ,the ,hermitage was the reservoir of the waters of the park of the ,chevrette2 there was a garden walled round and planted with espaliers and other trees1 which produced ,m4 d',epinay more fruit than his kitchen-garden at the ,chevrette1 although three-fourths of it were stolen from him4 ,that ,i might not be a guest entirely useless1 ,i took upon myself the direction of the garden and the inspection of the conduct of the gardener4 ,everything went on well until the fruit season1 but as this became ripe1 ,i observed that it disappeared without knowing in what manner it was disposed of4 ,the gardener assured me it was the dormice which eat it all4 ,i destroyed a great number of these animals1 notwithstanding which the fruit still diminished4 ,i watched the gardener's motions so narrowly1 that ,i found he was the great dormouse4 ,he lodged at ,montmorency1 whence he came in the night with his wife and children to take away the fruit he had concealed in the daytime1 and which he sold in the market at ,paris as publicly as if he had brought it from a garden of his own4 ,the wretch whom ,i loaded with kindness1 whose children were clothed by ,theresa1 and whose father1 who was a beggar1 ,i almost supported1 robbed us with as much ease as effrontery1 not one of the three being sufficiently vigilant to prevent him3 and one night he emptied my cellar4 ,whilst he seemed to address himself to me only1 ,i suffered everything1 but being desirous of giving an account of the fruit1 ,i was obliged to declare by whom a great part of it had been stolen4 ,madam d',epinay desired me to pay and discharge him1 and look out for another2 ,i did so4 ,as this rascal rambled about the ,hermitage in the night1 armed with a thick club staff with an iron ferrule1 and accompanied by other villains like himself1 to relieve the governesses from their fears1 ,i made his successor sleep in the house with us2 and this not being sufficient to remove their apprehensions1 ,i sent to ask ,m4 d',epinay for a musket1 which ,i kept in the chamber of the gardener1 with a charge not to make use of it except an attempt was made to break open the door or scale the walls of the garden1 and to fire nothing but powder1 meaning only to frighten the thieves4 ,this was certainly the least precaution a man indisposed could take for the common safety of himself and family1 having to pass the winter in the midst of a wood1 with two timid women4 ,i also procured a little dog to serve as a sentinel4 ,de ,leyre coming to see me about this time1 ,i related to him my situation1 and we laughed together at my military apparatus4 ,at his return to ,paris he wished to amuse ,diderot with the story1 and by this means the ',coterie d',holbachique' learned that ,i was seriously resolved to pass the winter at the ,hermitage4 ,this perseverance1 of which they had not imagined me to be capable1 disconcerted them1 and1 until they could think of some other means of making my residence disagreeable to me1 they sent back1 by means of ,diderot1 the same ,de ,leyre1 who1 though at first he had thought my precautions quite natural1 now pretended to discover that they were inconsistent with my principles1 and styled them more than ridiculous in his letters1 in which he overwhelmed me with pleasantries sufficiently bitter and satirical to offend me had ,i been the least disposed to take offence4 ,but at that time being full of tender and affectionate sentiments1 and not susceptible of any other1 ,i perceived in his biting sarcasms nothing more than a jest1 and believed him only jocose when others would have thought him mad4 ,by my care and vigilance ,i guarded the garden so well1 that1 although there had been but little fruit that year the produce was triple that of the preceding years2 it is true1 ,i spared no pains to preserve it1 and ,i went so far as to escort what ,i sent to the ,chevrette and to ,epinay1 and to carry baskets of it myself4 ,the aunt and ,i carried one of these1 which was so heavy that we were obliged to rest at every dozen steps1 and which we arrived with it we were quite wet with perspiration4 ,as soon as the bad season began to confine me to the house1 ,i wished to return to my indolent amusements1 but this ,i found impossible4 ,i had everywhere two charming female friends before my eyes1 their friend1 everything by which they were surrounded1 the country they inhabited1 and the objects created or embellished for them by my imagination4 ,i was no longer myself for a moment1 my delirium never left me4 ,after many useless efforts to banish all fictions from my mind1 they at length seduced me1 and my future endeavors were confined to giving them order and coherence1 for the purpose of converting them into a species of novel4 ,what embarrassed me most was1 that ,i had contradicted myself so openly and fully4 ,after the severe principles ,i had just so publicly asserted1 after the austere maxims ,i had so loudly preached1 and my violent invectives against books which breathed nothing but effeminacy and love1 could anything be less expected or more extraordinary1 than to see me1 with my own hand1 write my name in the list of authors of those books ,i had so severely censured8 ,i felt this incoherence in all its extent4 ,i reproached myself with it1 ,i blushed at it and was vexed2 but all this could not bring me back to reason4 ,completely overcome1 ,i was at all risks obliged to submit1 and to resolve to brave whatever the world might say of it4 ,except only deliberating afterwards whether or not ,i should show my work1 for ,i did not yet suppose ,i should ever determine to publish it4 ,this resolution taken1 ,i entirely abandoned myself to my reveries1 and1 by frequently resolving these in my mind1 formed with them the kind of plan of which the execution has been seen4 ,this was certainly the greatest advantage that could be drawn from my follies2 the love of good which has never once been effaced from my heart1 turned them towards useful objects1 the moral of which might have produced its good effects4 ,my voluptuous descriptions would have lost all their graces1 had they been devoid of the coloring of innocence4 ,a weak girl is an object of pity1 whom love may render interesting1 and who frequently is not therefore the less amiable2 but who can see without indignation the manners of the age2 and what is more disgusting than the pride of an unchaste wife1 who1 openly treading under foot every duty1 pretends that her husband ought to be grateful for her unwillingness to suffer herself to be taken in the fact8 ,perfect beings are not in nature1 and their examples are not near enough to us4 ,but whoever says that the description of a young person born with good dispositions1 and a heart equally tender and virtuous1 who suffers herself1 when a girl1 to be overcome by love1 and when a woman1 has resolution enough to conquer in her turn1 is upon the whole scandalous and useless1 is a liar and a hypocrite2 hearken not to him4 ,besides this object of morality and conjugal chastity which is radically connected with all social order1 ,i had in view one more secret in behalf of concord and public peace1 a greater1 and perhaps more important object in itself1 at least for the moment for which it was created4 ,the storm brought on by the ',encyclopedie'1 far from being appeased1 was at the time at its height4 ,two parties exasperated against each other to the last degree of fury soon resembled enraged wolves1 set on for their mutual destruction1 rather than ,christians and philosophers1 who had a reciprocal wish to enlighten and convince each other1 and lead their brethren to the way of truth4 ,perhaps nothing more was wanting to each party than a few turbulent chiefs1 who possessed a little power1 to make this quarrel terminate in a civil war2 and ,god only knows what a civil war of religion founded on each side upon the most cruel intolerance would have produced4 ,naturally an enemy to all spirit of party1 ,i had freely spoken severe truths to each1 of which they had not listened4 ,i thought of another expedient1 which1 in my simplicity1 appeared to me admirable3 this was to abate their reciprocal hatred by destroying their prejudices1 and showing to each party the virtue and merit which in the other was worthy of public esteem and respect4 ,this project1 little remarkable for its wisdom1 which supported sincerity in mankind1 and whereby ,i fell into the error with which ,i reproached the ,abbe de ,saint ,pierre1 had the success that was to be expected from it3 it drew together and united the parties for no other purpose than that of crushing the author4 ,until experience made me discover my folly1 ,i gave my attention to it with a zeal worthy of the motive by which ,i was inspired2 and ,i imagined the two characters of ,wolmar and ,julia in an ecstasy1 which made me hope to render them both amiable1 and1 what is still more1 by means of each other4 ,satisfied with having made a rough sketch of my plan1 ,i returned to the situations in detail1 which ,i had marked out2 and from the arrangement ,i gave them resulted the first two parts of the ,eloisa1 which ,i finished during the winter with inexpressible pleasure1 procuring gilt-paper to receive a fair copy of them1 azure and silver powder to dry the writing1 and blue narrow ribbon to tack my sheets together2 in a word1 ,i thought nothing sufficiently elegant and delicate for my two charming girls1 of whom1 like another ,pygmalion1 ,i became madly enamoured4 ,every evening1 by the fireside1 ,i read the two parts to the governesses4 ,the daughter1 without saying a word1 was like myself moved to tenderness1 and we mingled our sighs2 her mother1 finding there were no compliments1 understood nothing of the matter1 remained unmoved1 and at the intervals when ,i was silent always repeated3 ,sir1 that is very fine4 ,madam d',epinay1 uneasy at my being alone1 in winter1 in a solitary house1 in the midst of woods1 often sent to inquire after my health4 ,i never had such real proofs of her friendship for me1 to which mine never more fully answered4 ,it would be wrong in me were not ,i1 among these proofs1 to make special mention of her portrait1 which she sent me1 at the same time requesting instructions from me in what manner she might have mine1 painted by ,la ,tour1 and which had been shown at the exhibition4 ,i ought equally to speak of another proof of her attention to me1 which1 although it be laughable1 is a feature in the history of my character1 on account of the impression received from it4 ,one day when it froze to an extreme degree1 in opening a packet she had sent me of several things ,i had desired her to purchase for me1 ,i found a little under-petticoat of ,english flannel1 which she told me she had worn1 and desired ,i would make of it an under-waistcoat4 ,this care1 more than friendly1 appeared to me so tender1 and as if she had stripped herself to clothe me1 that in my emotion ,i repeatedly kissed1 shedding tears at the same time1 both the note and the petticoat4 ,theresa thought me mad4 ,it is singular that of all the marks of friendship ,madam d',epinay ever showed me this touched me the most1 and that ever since our rupture ,i have never recollected it without being very sensibly affected4 ,i for a long time preserved her little note1 and it would still have been in my possession had not it shared the fate of my other notes received at the same period4 ,although my disorder then gave me but little respite in winter1 and a part of the interval was employed in seeking relief from pain1 this was still upon the whole the season which since my residence in ,france ,i had passed with most pleasure and tranquillity4 ,during four or five months1 whilst the bad weather sheltered me from the interruptions of importunate visits1 ,i tasted to a greater degree than ,i had ever yet or have since done1 of that equal simple and independent life1 the enjoyment of which still made it more desirable to me2 without any other company than the two governesses in reality1 and the two female cousins in idea4 ,it was then especially that ,i daily congratulated myself upon the resolution ,i had had the good sense to take1 unmindful of the clamors of my friends1 who were vexed at seeing me delivered from their tyranny2 and when ,i heard of the attempt of a madman1 when ,de ,leyre and ,madam d',epinay spoke to me in letters of the trouble and agitation which reigned in ,paris1 how thankful was ,i to ,heaven for having placed me at a distance from all such spectacles of horror and guilt4 ,these would have been continued and increased the bilious humor which the sight of public disorders had given me2 whilst seeing nothing around me in my retirement but gay and pleasing objects1 my heart was wholly abandoned to sentiments which were amiable4 ,i remark here with pleasure the course of the last peaceful moments that were left me4 ,the spring succeeding to this winter1 which had been so calm1 developed the germ of the misfortunes ,i have yet to describe2 in the tissue of which1 a like interval1 wherein ,i had leisure to respite1 will not be found4 ,i think however1 ,i recollect1 that during this interval of peace1 and in the bosom of my solitude1 ,i was not quite undisturbed by the ,holbachiens4 ,diderot stirred me up some strife1 and ,i am much deceived if it was not in the course of this winter that the ',fils ,naturel'--,natural ,son--of which ,i shall soon have occasion to speak1 made its appearance4 ,independently of the causes which left me but few papers relative to that period1 those even which ,i have been able to preserve are not very exact with respect to dates4 ,diderot never dated his letters--,madam d',epinay and ,madam d' ,houdetot seldom dated theirs except the day of the week1 and ,de ,leyre mostly confined himself to the same rules4 ,when ,i was desirous of putting these letters in order ,i was obliged to supply what was wanting by guessing at dates1 so uncertain that ,i cannot depend upon them4 ,unable therefore to fix with certainty the beginning of these quarrels1 ,i prefer relating in one subsequent article everything ,i can recollect concerning them4 ,the return of spring had increased my amorous delirium1 and in my melancholy1 occasioned by the excess of my transports1 ,i had composed for the last parts of ,eloisa several letters1 wherein evident marks of the rapture in which ,i wrote them are found4 ,amongst others ,i may quote those from the ,elysium1 and the excursion upon the lake1 which1 if my memory does not deceive me1 are at the end of the fourth part4 ,whoever1 in reading these letters1 does not feel his heart soften and melt into the tenderness by which they were dictated1 ought to lay down the book3 nature has refused him the means of judging of sentiment4 ,precisely at the same time ,i received a second unforeseen visit from ,madam d',houdetot1 in the absence of her husband1 who was captain of the ,gendarmarie1 and of her lover1 who was also in the service4 ,she had come to ,eaubonne1 in the middle of the ,valley of ,montmorency1 where she had taken a pretty house1 from thence she made a new excursion to the ,hermitage4 ,she came on horseback1 and dressed in men's clothes4 ,although ,i am not very fond of this kind of masquerade1 ,i was struck with the romantic appearance she made1 and1 for once1 it was with love4 ,as this was the first and only time in all my life1 the consequence of which will forever render it terrible to my remembrance1 ,i must take the permission to enter into some particulars on the subject4 ,the ,countess d',houdetot was nearly thirty years of age1 and not handsome2 her face was marked with the smallpox1 her complexion coarse1 she was short-sighted1 and her eyes were rather round2 but she had fine long black hair1 which hung down in natural curls below her waist2 her figure was agreeable1 and she was at once both awkward and graceful in her motions2 her wit was natural and pleasing2 to this gayety1 heedlessness and ingenuousness were perfectly suited3 she abounded in charming sallies1 after which she so little sought1 that they sometimes escaped her lips in spite of herself4 ,she possessed several agreeable talents1 played the harpsichord1 danced well1 and wrote pleasing poetry4 ,her character was angelic--this was founded upon a sweetness of mind1 and except prudence and fortitude1 contained in it every virtue4 ,she was besides so much to be depended upon in all intercourse1 so faithful in society1 even her enemies were not under the necessity of concealing from her their secrets4 ,i mean by her enemies the men1 or rather the women1 by whom she was not beloved2 for as to herself she had not a heart capable of hatred1 and ,i am of opinion this conformity with mine greatly contributed towards inspiring me with a passion for her4 ,in confidence of the most intimate friendship1 ,i never heard her speak ill of persons who were absent1 not even of her sister-in-law4 ,she could neither conceal her thoughts from anyone1 nor disguise any of her sentiments1 and ,i am persuaded she spoke of her lover to her husband1 as she spoke of him to her friends and acquaintances1 and to everybody without distinction of persons4 ,what proved1 beyond all manner of doubt1 the purity and sincerity of her nature was1 that subject to very extraordinary absences of mind1 and the most laughable inconsiderateness1 she was often guilty of some very imprudent ones with respect to herself1 but never in the least offensive to any person whatsoever4 ,she had been married very young and against her inclinations to the ,comte d',houdetot1 a man of fashion1 and a good officer2 but a man who loved play and chicane1 who was not very amiable1 and whom she never loved4 ,she found in ,m4 de ,saint ,lambert all the merit of her husband1 with more agreeable qualities of mind1 joined with virtue and talents4 ,if anything in the manners of the age can be pardoned1 it is an attachment which duration renders more pure1 to which its effects do honor1 and which becomes cemented by reciprocal esteem4 ,it was a little from inclination1 as ,i am disposed to think1 but much more to please ,saint ,lambert1 that she came to see me4 ,he had requested her to do it1 and there was reason to believe the friendship which began to be established between us would render this society agreeable to all three4 ,she knew ,i was acquainted with their connection1 and as she could speak to me without restraint1 it was natural she should find my conversation agreeable4 ,she came2 ,i saw her2 ,i was intoxicated with love without an object2 this intoxication fascinated my eyes2 the object fixed itself upon her4 ,i saw my ,julia in ,madam d',houdetot1 and ,i soon saw nothing but ,madam d',houdetot1 but with all the perfections with which ,i had just adorned the idol of my heart4 ,to complete my delirium she spoke to me of ,saint ,lambert with a fondness of a passionate lover4 ,contagious force of love6 while listening to her1 and finding myself near her1 ,i was seized with a delicious trembling1 which ,i had never before experienced when near to any person whatsoever4 ,she spoke1 and ,i felt myself affected2 ,i thought ,i was nothing more than interested in her sentiments1 when ,i perceived ,i possessed those which were similar2 ,i drank freely of the poisoned cup1 of which ,i yet tasted nothing more than the sweetness4 ,finally1 imperceptibly to us both1 she inspired me for herself with all she expressed for her lover4 ,alas6 it was very late in life1 and cruel was it to consume with a passion not less violent than unfortunate for a woman whose heart was already in the possession of another4 ,notwithstanding the extraordinary emotions ,i had felt when near to her1 ,i did not at first perceive what had happened to me2 it was not until after her departure that1 wishing to think of ,julia1 ,i was struck with surprise at being unable to think of anything but ,madam d',houdetot4 ,then was it my eyes were opened3 ,i felt my misfortune1 and lamented what had happened1 but ,i did not foresee the consequences4 ,i hesitated a long time on the manner in which ,i should conduct myself towards her1 as if real love left behind it sufficient reason to deliberate and act accordingly4 ,i had not yet determined upon this when she unexpectedly returned and found me unprovided4 ,it was this time1 perfectly acquainted with my situation1 shame1 the companion of evil1 rendered me dumb1 and made me tremble in her presence2 ,i neither dared to open my mouth or raise my eyes2 ,i was in an inexpressible confusion which it was impossible she should not perceive4 ,i resolved to confess to her my troubled state of mind1 and left her to guess the cause whence it proceeded3 this was telling her in terms sufficiently clear4 ,had ,i been young and amiable1 and ,madam d',houdetot afterwards weak1 ,i should here blame her conduct2 but this was not the case1 and ,i am obliged to applaud and admire it4 ,the resolution she took was equally prudent and generous4 ,she could not suddenly break with me without giving her reasons for it to ,saint ,lambert1 who himself had desired her to come and see me2 this would have exposed two friends to a rupture1 and perhaps a public one1 which she wished to avoid4 ,she had for me esteem and good wishes2 she pitied my folly without encouraging it1 and endeavored to restore me to reason4 ,she was glad to preserve to her lover and herself a friend for whom she had some respect2 and she spoke of nothing with more pleasure than the intimate and agreeable society we might form between us three the moment ,i should become reasonable4 ,she did not always confine herself to these friendly exhortations1 and1 in case of need1 did not spare me more severe reproaches1 which ,i had richly deserved4 ,i spared myself still less3 the moment ,i was alone ,i began to recover2 ,i was more calm after my declaration--love1 known to the person by whom it is inspired1 becomes more supportable4 ,the forcible manner in which ,i approached myself with mine1 ought to have cured me of it had the thing been possible4 ,what powerful motives did ,i not call to my mind to stifle it8 ,my morals1 sentiments and principles2 the shame1 the treachery and crime1 of abusing what was confided to friendship1 and the ridiculousness of burning1 at my age1 with the most extravagant passion for an object whose heart was preengaged1 and who could neither make me a return1 nor least hope2 moreover with a passion which1 far from having anything to gain by constancy1 daily became less sufferable4 ,we would imagine that the last consideration which ought to have added weight to all the others1 was that whereby ,i eluded them6 ,what scruple1 thought ,i1 ought ,i to make of a folly prejudicial to nobody but myself8 ,am ,i then a young man of whom ,madam d',houdetot ought to be afraid8 ,would not it be said by my presumptive remorse that1 by my gallantry1 manner and dress1 ,i was going to seduce her8 ,poor ,jean ,jacques1 love on at thy ease1 in all safety of conscience1 and be not afraid that thy sighs will be prejudicial to ,saint ,lambert4 ,it has been seen that ,i never was a coxcomb1 not even in my youth4 ,the manner of thinking1 of which ,i have spoken1 was according to my turn of mind1 it flattered my passion2 this was sufficient to induce me to abandon myself to it without reserve1 and to laugh even at the impertinent scruple ,i thought ,i had made from vanity1 rather than from reason4 ,this is a great lesson for virtuous minds1 which vice never attacks openly2 it finds means to surprise them by masking itself with sophisms1 and not unfrequently with a virtue4 ,guilty without remorse1 ,i soon became so without measure2 and ,i entreat it may be observed in what manner my passion followed my nature1 at length to plunge me into an abyss4 ,in the first place1 it assumed the air of humility to encourage me2 and to render me intrepid it carried this humility even to mistrust4 ,madam d',houdetot incessantly putting in mind of my duty1 without once for a single moment flattering my folly1 treated me with the greatest mildness1 and remained with me upon the footing of the most tender friendship4 ,this friendship would1 ,i protest1 have satisfied my wishes1 had ,i thought it sincere2 but finding it too strong to be real1 ,i took it into my head that love1 so ill-suited to my age and appearance1 had rendered me contemptible in the eyes of ,madam d',houdetot2 that this young mad creature only wished to divert herself with me and my superannuated passion2 that she had communicated this to ,saint ,lambert2 and that the indignation caused by my breach of friendship1 having made her lover enter into her views1 they were agreed to turn my head and then to laugh at me4 ,this folly1 which at twenty-six years of age1 had made me guilty of some extravagant behavior to ,madam de ,larnage1 whom ,i did not know1 would have been pardonable in me at forty-five with ,madam d',houdetot had not ,i known that she and her lover were persons of too much uprightness to indulge themselves in such a barbarous amusement4 ,madam d' ,houdetot continued her visits1 which ,i delayed not to return4 ,she1 as well as myself1 was fond of walking1 and we took long walks in an enchanting country4 ,satisfied with loving and daring to say ,i loved1 ,i should have been in the most agreeable situation had not my extravagance spoiled all the charm of it4 ,she1 at first1 could not comprehend the foolish pettishness with which ,i received her attentions2 but my heart1 incapable of concealing what passed in it1 did not long leave her ignorant of my suspicions2 she endeavored to laugh at them1 but this expedient did not succeed2 transports of rage would have been the consequence1 and she changed her tone4 ,her compassionate gentleness was invincible2 she made me reproaches1 which penetrated my heart2 she expressed an inquietude at my unjust fears1 of which ,i took advantage4 ,i required proofs of her being in earnest4 ,she perceived there was no other means of relieving me from my apprehensions4 ,i became pressing3 the step was delicate4 ,it is astonishing1 and perhaps without example1 that a woman having suffered herself to be brought to hesitate should have got herself off so well4 ,she refused me nothing the most tender friendship could grant2 yet she granted me nothing that rendered her unfaithful1 and ,i had the mortification to see that the disorder into which the most trifling favors had thrown all my senses had not the least effect upon hers4 ,i have somewhere said1 that nothing should be granted to the senses1 when we wished to refuse them anything4 ,to prove how false this maxim was relative to ,madam d' ,houdetot1 and how far she was right to depend upon her own strength of mind1 it would be necessary to enter into the detail of our long and frequent conversations1 and follow them1 in all their liveliness during the four months we passed together in an intimacy almost without example between two friends of different sexes who contain themselves within the bounds which we never exceeded4 ,ah6 if ,i had lived so long without feeling the power of real love1 my heart and senses abundantly paid the arrears4 ,what1 therefore1 are the transports we feel with the object of our affections by whom we are beloved1 since the passions of which my idol did not partake inspired such as ,i felt8 ,but ,i am wrong in saying ,madam ,houdetot did not partake of the passion of love2 that which ,i felt was in some measure confined to myself2 yet love was equal on both sides1 but not reciprocal4 ,we were both intoxicated with the passion1 she for her lover1 and ,i for herself2 our sighs and delicious tears were mingled together4 ,tender confidants of the secrets of each other1 there was so great a similarity in our sentiments that it was impossible they should not find some common point of union4 ,in the midst of this delicious intoxication1 she never forgot herself for a moment1 and ,i solemnly protest that1 if ever1 led away by my senses1 ,i have attempted to render her unfaithful1 ,i was never really desirous of succeeding4 ,the vehemence itself of my passion restrained it within bounds4 ,the duty of self-denial had elevated my mind4 ,the lustre of every virture adorned in my eyes the idol of my heart2 to have soiled their divine image would have been to destroy it4 ,i might have committed the crime2 it has been a hundred times committed in my heart2 but to dishonor my ,sophia6 ,ah6 was this ever possible8 ,no6 ,i have told her a hundred times it was not4 ,had ,i had it in my power to satisfy my desires1 had she consented to commit herself to my discretion1 ,i should1 except in a few moments of delirium1 have refused to be happy at the price of her honor4 ,i loved her too well to wish to possess her4 ,the distance from the ,hermitage to ,raubonne is almost a league2 in my frequent excursions to it ,i have sometimes slept there4 ,one evening after having supped tete-a-tete we went to walk in the garden by a fine moonlight4 ,at the bottom of the garden a considerable copse1 through which we passed on our way to a pretty grove ornamented with a cascade1 of which ,i had given her the idea1 and she had procured it to be executed accordingly4 ,eternal remembrance of innocence and enjoyment6 ,it was in this grove that1 seated by her side upon a seat of turf under an acacia in full bloom1 ,i found for the emotions of my heart a language worthy of them4 ,it was the first and only time of my life2 but ,i was sublime3 if everything amiable and seducing with which the most tender and ardent love can inspire the heart of man can be so called4 ,what intoxicating tears did ,i shed upon her knees6 how many did ,i make her to shed involuntarily6 ,at length in an involuntary transport she exclaimed3 ,no1 never was a man so amiable1 nor ever was there one who loved like you6 ,but your friend ,saint ,lambert hears us1 and my heart is incapable of loving twice4 ,i exhausted myself with sighs2 ,i embraced her--what an embrace6 ,but this was all4 ,she had lived alone for the last six months1 that is absent from her husband and lover2 ,i had seen her almost every day during three months1 and love seldom failed to make a third4 ,we had supped tete-a-tete1 we were alone1 in the grove by moonlight1 and after two hours of the most lively and tender conversation1 she left this grove at midnight1 and the arms of her lover1 as morally and physically pure as she had entered it4 ,reader1 weigh all these circumstances2 ,i will add nothing more4 ,do not1 however1 imagine that in this situation my passions left me as undisturbed as ,i was with ,theresa and mamma4 ,i have already observed ,i was this time inspired not only with love1 but with love and all its energy and fury4 ,i will not describe either the agitations1 tremblings1 palpitations1 convulsionary emotions1 nor faintings of the heart1 ,i continually experienced2 these may be judged of by the effect her image alone made upon me4 ,i have observed the distance from the ,hermitage to ,eaubonne was considerable2 ,i went by the hills of ,andilly1 which are delightful2 ,i mused1 as ,i walked1 on her whom ,i was going to see1 the charming reception she would give me1 and upon the kiss which awaited me at my arrival4 ,this single kiss1 this pernicious embrace1 even before ,i received it1 inflamed my blood to such a degree as to affect my head1 my eyes were dazzled1 my knees trembled1 and were unable to support me2 ,i was obliged to stop and sit down2 my whole frame was in inconceivable disorder1 and ,i was upon the point of fainting4 ,knowing the danger1 ,i endeavored at setting out to divert my attention from the object1 and think of something else4 ,i had not proceeded twenty steps before the same recollection1 and all that was the consequence of it1 assailed me in such a manner that it was impossible to avoid them1 and in spite of all my efforts ,i do not believe ,i ever made this little excursion alone with impunity4 ,i arrived at ,eaubonne1 weak1 exhausted1 and scarcely able to support myself4 ,the moment ,i saw her everything was repaired2 all ,i felt in her presence was the importunity of an inexhaustible and useless ardor4 ,upon the road to ,raubonne there was a pleasant terrace called ,mont ,olympe1 at which we sometimes met4 ,i arrived first1 it was proper ,i should wait for her2 but how dear this waiting cost me6 ,to divert my attention1 ,i endeavored to write with my pencil billets1 which ,i could have written with the purest drops of my blood2 ,i never could finish one which was eligible4 ,when she found a note in the niche upon which we had agreed1 all she learned from the contents was the deplorable state in which ,i was when ,i wrote it4 ,this state and its continuation1 during three months of irritation and self-denial1 so exhausted me1 that ,i was several years before ,i recovered from it1 and at the end of these it left me an ailment which ,i shall carry with me1 or which will carry me to the grave4 ,such was the sole enjoyment of a man of the most combustible constitution1 but who was1 at the same time1 perhaps1 one of the most timid mortals nature ever produced4 ,such were the last happy days ,i can reckon upon earth2 at the end of these began the long train of evils1 in which there will be found but little interruption4 ,it has been seen that1 during the whole course of my life1 my heart1 as transparent as crystal1 has never been capable of concealing for the space of a moment any sentiment in the least lively which had taken refuge in it4 ,it will therefore be judged whether or not it was possible for me long to conceal my affection for ,madam d',houdetot4 ,our intimacy struck the eyes of everybody1 we did not make of it either a secret or a mystery4 ,it was not of a nature to require any such precaution1 and as ,madam d',houdetot had for me the most tender friendship with which she did not reproach herself1 and ,i for her an esteem with the justice of which nobody was better acquainted than myself2 she frank1 absent1 heedless2 ,i true1 awkward1 haughty1 impatient and choleric2 ,we exposed ourselves more in deceitful security than we should have done had we been culpable4 ,we both went to the ,chevrette2 we sometimes met there by appointment4 ,we lived there according to our accustomed manner2 walking together every day talking of our amours1 our duties1 our friend1 and our innocent projects2 all this in the park opposite the apartment of ,madam d',epinay1 under her windows1 whence incessantly examining us1 and thinking herself braved1 she by her eyes filled her heart with rage and indignation4 ,women have the art of concealing their anger1 especially when it is great4 ,madam d',epinay1 violent but deliberate1 possessed this art to an eminent degree4 ,she feigned not to see or suspect anything1 and at the same time that she doubled towards me her cares1 attention1 and allurements1 she affected to load her sister-in-law with incivilities and marks of disdain1 which she seemingly wished to communicate to me4 ,it will easily be imagined she did not succeed2 but ,i was on the rack4 ,torn by opposite passions1 at the same time that ,i was sensible of her caresses1 ,i could scarcely contain my anger when ,i saw her wanting in good manners to ,madam d',houdetot4 ,the angelic sweetness of this lady made her endure everything without complaint1 or even without being offended4 ,she was1 in fact1 so absent1 and always so little attentive to these things1 that half the time she did not perceive them4 ,i was so taken up with my passion1 that1 seeing nothing but ,sophia 7one of the names of ,madam d',houdetot71 ,i did not perceive that ,i was become the laughing-stock of the whole house1 and all those who came to it4 ,the ,baron d',holbach1 who never1 as ,i heard of1 had been at the ,chevrette1 was one of the latter4 ,had ,i at that time been as mistrustful as ,i am since become1 ,i should strongly have suspected ,madam d',epinay to have contrived this journey to give the baron the amusing spectacle of an amorous citizen4 ,but ,i was then so stupid that ,i saw not that even which was glaring to everybody4 ,my stupidity did not1 however1 prevent me from finding in the baron a more jovial and satisfied appearance than ordinary4 ,instead of looking upon me with his usual moroseness1 he said to me a hundred jocose things without my knowing what he meant4 ,surprise was painted in my countenance1 but ,i answered not a word3 ,madam d',epinay shook her sides with laughing2 ,i knew not what possessed them4 ,as nothing yet passed the bounds of pleasantry1 the best thing ,i could have done1 had ,i been in the secret1 would have been to have humored the joke4 ,it is true ,i perceived amid the rallying gayety of the baron1 that his eyes sparkled with a malicious joy1 which could have given me pain had ,i then remarked it to the degree it has since occurred to my recollection4 ,one day when ,i went to see ,madam d',houdetot1 at ,eaubonne1 after her return from one of her journeys to ,paris1 ,i found her melancholy1 and observed that she had been weeping4 ,i was obliged to put a restraint on myself1 because ,madam de ,blainville1 sister to her husband1 was present2 but the moment ,i found an opportunity1 ,i expressed to her my uneasiness4 ,ah1 said she1 with a sigh1 ,i am much afraid your follies will cost me the repose of the rest of my days4 ,st4 ,lambert has been informed of what has passed1 and ill informed of it4 ,he does me justice1 but he is vexed2 and what is still worse1 he conceals from me a part of his vexation4 ,fortunately ,i have not concealed from him anything relative to our connection which was formed under his auspices4 ,my letters1 like my heart1 were full of yourself2 ,i made him acquainted with everything1 except your extravagant passion1 of which ,i hoped to cure you2 and which he imputes to me as a crime4 ,somebody has done us ill offices4 ,i have been injured1 but what does this signify8 ,either let us entirely break with each other1 or do you be what you ought to be4 ,i will not in future have anything to conceal from my lover4 ,this was the first moment in which ,i was sensible of the shame of feeling myself humbled by the sentiment of my fault1 in presence of a young woman of whose just reproaches ,i approved1 and to whom ,i ought to have been a mentor4 ,the indignation ,i felt against myself would1 perhaps1 have been sufficient to overcome my weakness1 had not the tender passion inspired me by the victim of it1 again softened my heart4 ,alas6 was this a moment to harden it when it was overflowed by the tears which penetrated it in every part8 ,this tenderness was soon changed into rage against the vile informers1 who had seen nothing but the evil of a criminal but involuntary sentiment1 without believing or even imagining the sincere uprightness of heart by which it was counteracted4 ,we did not remain long in doubt about the hand by which the blow was directed4 ,we both knew that ,madam d',epinay corresponded with ,st4 ,lambert4 ,this was not the first storm she had raised up against ,madam d',houdetot1 from whom she had made a thousand efforts to detach her lover1 the success of some of which made the consequences to be dreaded4 ,besides1 ,grimm1 who1 ,i think1 had accompanied ,m4 de ,castries to the army1 was in ,westphalia1 as well as ,saint ,lambert2 they sometimes visited4 ,grimm had made some attempts on ,madam d',houdetot1 which had not succeeded1 and being extremely piqued1 suddenly discontinued his visits to her4 ,let it be judged with what calmness1 modest as he is known to be1 he supposed she preferred to him a man older than himself1 and of whom1 since he had frequented the great1 he had never spoken but as a person whom he patronized4 ,my suspicions of ,madam d',epinay were changed into a certainty the moment ,i heard what had passed in my own house4 ,when ,i was at the ,chevrette1 ,theresa frequently came there1 either to bring me letters or to pay me that attention which my ill state of health rendered necessary4 ,madam d',epinay had asked her if ,madam d',houdetot and ,i did not write to each other4 ,upon her answering in the affirmative1 ,madam d',epinay pressed her to give her the letters of ,madam d',houdetot1 assuring her that she would reseal them in such a manner as it should never be known4 ,theresa1 without showing how much she was shocked at the proposition1 and without even putting me upon my guard1 did nothing more than seal the letters she brought me more carefully2 a lucky precaution1 for ,madam d',epinay had her watched when she arrived1 and1 waiting for her in the passage1 several times carried her audaciousness as far as to examine her tucker4 ,she did more even than this3 having one day invited herself with ,m4 de ,margency to dinner at the ,hermitage1 for the first time since ,i resided there1 she seized the moment ,i was walking with ,margency to go into my closet with the mother and daughter1 and to press them to show her the letters of ,madam d',houdetot4 ,had the mother known where the letters were1 they would have been given to her2 fortunately1 the daughter was the only person who was in the secret1 and denied my having preserved any one of them4 ,a virtuous1 faithful and generous falsehood2 whilst truth would have been a perfidy4 ,madam d' ,epinay1 perceiving ,theresa was not to be seduced1 endeavored to irritate her by jealousy1 reproaching her with her easy temper and blindness4 ,how is it possible1 said she to her1 you cannot perceive there is a criminal intercourse between them8 ,if besides what strikes your eyes you stand in need of other proofs1 lend your assistance to obtain that which may furnish them2 you say he tears the letters from ,madam d',houdetot as soon as he has read them4 ,well1 carefully gather up the pieces and give them to me2 ,i will take upon myself to put them together4 ,such were the lessons my friend gave to the partner of my bed4 ,theresa had the discretion to conceal from me1 for a considerable time1 all these attempts2 but perceiving how much ,i was perplexed1 she thought herself obliged to inform me of everything1 to the end that knowing with whom ,i had to do1 ,i might take my measures accordingly4 ,my rage and indignation are not to be described4 ,instead of dissembling with ,madam d',epinay1 according to her own example1 and making use of counterplots1 ,i abandoned myself without reserve to the natural impetuosity of my temper2 and with my accustomed inconsiderateness came to an open rupture4 ,my imprudence will be judged of by the following letters1 which sufficiently show the manner of proceeding of both parties on this occasion3 ,,note ,,from ,,madam ,d',,epinay4 ,why1 my dear friend1 do ,i not see you8 ,you make me uneasy4 ,you have so often promised me to do nothing but go and come between this place and the ,hermitage6 ,in this ,i have left you at liberty2 and you have suffered a week to pass without coming4 ,had not ,i been told you were well ,i should have imagined the contrary4 ,i expected you either the day before yesterday1 or yesterday1 but found myself disappointed4 ,my ,god1 what is the matter with you8 ,you have no business1 nor can you have any uneasiness2 for had this been the case1 ,i flatter myself you would have come and communicated it to me4 ,you are1 therefore1 ill6 ,relieve me1 ,i beseech you1 speedily from my fears4 ,adieu1 my dear friend3 let this adieu produce me a good-morning from you4 ,,answer4 ,i cannot yet say anything to you4 ,i wait to be better informed1 and this ,i shall be sooner or later4 ,in the meantime be persuaded that innocence will find a defender sufficiently powerful to cause some repentance in the slanderers1 be they who they may4 ,,second ,,note ,,from ,,the ,,same4 ,do you know that your letter frightens me8 ,what does it mean8 ,i have read it twenty times4 ,in truth ,i do not understand what it means4 ,all ,i can perceive is1 that you are uneasy and tormented1 and that you wait until you are no longer so before you speak to me upon the subject4 ,is this1 my dear friend1 what we agreed upon8 ,what then is become of that friendship and confidence1 and by what means have ,i lost them8 ,is it with me or for me that you are angry8 ,however this may be1 come to me this evening ,i conjure you2 remember you promised me no longer than a week ago to let nothing remain upon your mind1 but immediately to communicate to me whatever might make it uneasy4 ,my dear friend1 ,i live in that confidence--,there--,i have just read your letter again2 ,i do not understand the contents better1 but they make me tremble4 ,you seem to be cruelly agitated4 ,i could wish to calm your mind1 but as ,i am ignorant of the cause whence your uneasiness arises1 ,i know not what to say1 except that ,i am as wretched as yourself1 and shall remain so until we meet4 ,if you are not here this evening at six o'clock1 ,i set off to morrow for the ,hermitage1 let the weather be how it will1 and in whatever state of health ,i may be2 for ,i can no longer support the inquietude ,i now feel4 ,good day1 my dear friend1 at all risks ,i take the liberty to tell you1 without knowing whether or not you are in need of such advice1 to endeavor to stop the progress uneasiness makes in solitude4 ,a fly becomes a monster4 ,i have frequently experienced it4 ,,answer4 ,i can neither come to see you nor receive your visit so long as my present inquietude continues4 ,the confidence of which you speak no longer exists1 and it will be easy for you to recover it4 ,i see nothing more in your present anxiety than the desire of drawing from the confessions of others some advantage agreeable to your views2 and my heart1 so ready to pour its overflowings into another which opens itself to receive them1 is shut against trick and cunning4 ,i distinguish your ordinary address in the difficulty you find in understanding my note4 ,do you think me dupe enough to believe you have not comprehended what it meant8 ,no3 but ,i shall know how to overcome your subtleties by my frankness4 ,i will explain myself more clearly1 that you may understand me still less4 ,two lovers closely united and worthy of each other's love are dear to me2 ,i expect you will not know who ,i mean unless ,i name them4 ,i presume attempts have been made to disunite them1 and that ,i have been made use of to inspire one of the two with jealousy4 ,the choice was not judicious1 but it appeared convenient to the purposes of malice1 and of this malice it is you whom ,i suspect to be guilty4 ,i hope this becomes more clear4 ,thus the woman whom ,i most esteem would1 with my knowledge1 have been loaded with the infamy of dividing her heart and person between two lovers1 and ,i with that of being one of these wretches4 ,if ,i knew that1 for a single moment in your life1 you ever had thought this1 either of her or myself1 ,i should hate you until my last hour4 ,but it is with having said1 and not with having thought it1 that ,i charge you4 ,in this case1 ,i cannot comprehend which of the three you wished to injure2 but1 if you love peace of mind1 tremble lest you should have succeeded4 ,i have not concealed either from you or her all the ill ,i think of certain connections1 but ,i wish these to end by a means as virtuous as their cause1 and that an illegitimate love may be changed into an eternal friendship4 ,should ,i1 who never do ill to any person1 be the innocent means of doing it to my friends8 ,no1 ,i should never forgive you2 ,i should become your irreconcilable enemy4 ,your secrets are all ,i should respect2 for ,i will never be a man without honor4 ,i do not apprehend my present perplexity will continue a long time4 ,i shall soon know whether or not ,i am deceived2 ,i shall then perhaps have great injuries to repair1 which ,i will do with as much cheerfulness as that with which the most agreeable act of my life has been accompanied4 ,but do you know in what manner ,i will make amends for my faults during the short space of time ,i have to remain near to you8 ,by doing what nobody but myself would do2 by telling you freely what the world thinks of you1 and the breaches you have to repair in your reputation4 ,notwithstanding all the pretended friends by whom you are surrounded1 the moment you see me depart you may bid adieu to truth1 you will no longer find any person who will tell it to you4 ,,third ,,letter ,,from ,,the ,,same4 ,i did not understand your letter of this morning2 this ,i told you because it was the case4 ,i understand that of this evening2 do not imagine ,i shall ever return an answer to it2 ,i am too anxious to forget what it contains2 and although you excite my pity1 ,i am not proof against the bitterness with which it has filled my mind4 ,i6 descend to trick and cunning with you6 ,i6 accused of the blackest of all infamies6 ,adieu1 ,i regret your having the adieu4 ,i know not what ,i say adieu3 ,i shall be very anxious to forgive you4 ,you will come when you please2 you will be better received than your suspicions deserve4 ,all ,i have to desire of you is not to trouble yourself about my reputation4 ,the opinion of the world concerning me is of but little importance in my esteem4 ,my conduct is good1 and this is sufficient for me4 ,besides1 ,i am ignorant of what has happened to the two persons who are dear to me as they are to you4 ,this last letter extricated me from a terrible embarrassment1 and threw me into another of almost the same magnitude4 ,although these letters and answers were sent and returned the same day with an extreme rapidity1 the interval had been sufficient to place another between my rage and transport1 and to give me time to reflect on the enormity of my imprudence4 ,madam d',houdetot had not recommended to me anything so much as to remain quiet1 to leave her the care of extricating herself1 and to avoid1 especially at that moment1 all noise and rupture2 and ,i1 by the most open and atrocious insults1 took the properest means of carrying rage to its greatest height in the heart of a woman who was already but too well disposed to it4 ,i now could naturally expect nothing from her but an answer so haughty1 disdainful1 and expressive of contempt1 that ,i could not1 without the utmost meanness1 do otherwise than immediately quit her house4 ,happily she1 more adroit than ,i was furious1 avoided1 by the manner of her answer1 reducing me to that extremity4 ,but it was necessary either to quit or immediately go and see her2 the alternative was inevitable2 ,i resolved on the latter1 though ,i foresaw how much ,i must be embarrassed in the explanation4 ,for how was ,i to get through it without exposing either ,madam d',houdetot or ,theresa8 and woe to her whom ,i should have named6 ,there was nothing that the vengeance of an implacable and an intriguing woman did not make me fear for the person who should be the object of it4 ,it was to prevent this misfortune that in my letter ,i had spoken of nothing but suspicions1 that ,i might not be under the necessity of producing my proofs4 ,this1 it is true1 rendered my transports less excusable2 no simple suspicions being sufficient to authorize me to treat a woman1 and especially a friend1 in the manner ,i had treated ,madam d',epinay4 ,but here begins the noble task ,i worthily fulfilled of expiating my faults and secret weaknesses by charging myself with such of the former as ,i was incapable of committing1 and which ,i never did commit4 ,i had not to bear the attack ,i had expected1 and fear was the greatest evil ,i received from it4 ,at my approach1 ,madam d' ,epinay threw her arms about my neck1 bursting into tears4 ,this unexpected reception1 and by an old friend1 extremely affected me2 ,i also shed many tears4 ,i said to her a few words which had not much meaning2 she uttered others with still less1 and everything ended here4 ,supper was served2 we sat down to table1 where1 in expectation of the explanation ,i imagined to be deferred until supper was over1 ,i made a very poor figure2 for ,i am so overpowered by the most trifling inquietude of mind that ,i cannot conceal it from persons the least clear-sighted4 ,my embarrassed appearance must have given her courage1 yet she did not risk anything upon that foundation4 ,there was no more explanation after than before supper3 none took place on the next day1 and our little tete-a-tete conversations consisted of indifferent things1 or some complimentary words on my part1 by which1 while ,i informed her ,i could not say more relative to my suspicions1 ,i asserted1 with the greatest truth1 that1 if they were ill-founded1 my whole life should be employed in repairing the injustice4 ,she did not show the least curiosity to know precisely what they were1 nor for what reason ,i had formed them1 and all our peacemaking consisted1 on her part as well as on mine1 in the embrace at our first meeting4 ,since ,madam d',epinay was the only person offended1 at least in form1 ,i thought it was not for me to strive to bring about an eclaircissement for which she herself did not seem anxious1 and ,i returned as ,i had come2 continuing1 besides1 to live with her upon the same footing as before1 ,i soon almost entirely forgot the quarrel1 and foolishly believed she had done the same1 because she seemed not to remember what had passed4 ,this1 it will soon appear1 was not the only vexation caused me by weakness2 but ,i had others not less disagreeable which ,i had not brought upon myself4 ,the only cause of these was a desire of forcing me from my solitude1 by means of tormenting me4 ,these originated from ,diderot and the d',holbachiens4 ,that is to take from it the old woman who was wanted in the conspiracy4 ,it is astonishing that1 during this long quarrel1 my stupid confidence presented me from comprehending that it was not me but her whom they wanted in ,paris4 ,since ,i had resided at the ,hermitage1 ,diderot incessantly harrassed me1 either himself or by means of ,de ,leyre1 and ,i soon perceived from the pleasantries of the latter upon my ramblings in the groves1 with what pleasure he had travestied the hermit into the gallant shepherd4 ,but this was not the question in my quarrels with ,diderot2 the cause of these were more serious4 ,after the publication of ,fils ,naturel he had sent me a copy of it1 which ,i had read with the interest and attention ,i ever bestowed on the works of a friend4 ,in reading the kind of poem annexed to it1 ,i was surprised and rather grieved to find in it1 amongst several things1 disobliging but supportable against men in solitude1 this bitter and severe sentence without the least softening3 ',il n'y a que le mchant qui soit seul4' --,this sentence is equivocal1 and seems to present a double meaning2 the one true1 the other false1 since it is impossible that a man who is determined to remain alone can do the least harm to anybody1 and consequently he cannot be wicked4 ,the sentence in itself therefore required an interpretation2 the more so from an author who1 when he sent it to the press1 had a friend retired from the world4 ,it appeared to me shocking and uncivil1 either to have forgotten that solitary friend1 or1 in remembering him1 not to have made from the general maxim the honorable and just exception which he owed1 not only to his friend1 but to so many respectable sages1 who1 in all ages1 have sought for peace and tranquillity in retirement1 and of whom1 for the first time since the creation of the world1 a writer took it into his head indiscriminately to make so many villains4 ,i had a great affection and the most sincere esteem for ,diderot1 and fully depended upon his having the same sentiments for me4 ,but tired with his indefatigable obstinacy in continually opposing my inclinations1 taste1 and manner of living1 and everything which related to no person but myself2 shocked at seeing a man younger than ,i was wish1 at all events1 to govern me like a child2 disgusted with his facility in promising1 and his negligence in performing2 weary of so many appointments given by himself1 and capriciously broken1 while new ones were again given only to be again broken2 displeased at uselessly waiting for him three or four times a month on the days he had assigned1 and in dining alone at night after having gone to ,saint ,denis to meet him1 and waited the whole day for his coming2 my heart was already full of these multiplied injuries4 ,this last appeared to me still more serious1 and gave me infinite pain4 ,i wrote to complain of it1 but in so mild and tender a manner that ,i moistened my paper with my tears1 and my letter was sufficiently affecting to have drawn others from himself4 ,it would be impossible to guess his answer on this subject3 it was literally as follows3 ,i am glad my work has pleased and affected you4 ,you are not of my opinion relative to hermits4 ,say as much good of them as you please1 you will be the only one in the world of whom ,i shall think well3 even on this there would be much to say were it possible to speak to you without giving you offence4 ,a woman eighty years of age6 etc4 ,a phrase of a letter from the son of ,madam d',epinay which1 if ,i know you well1 must have given you much pain1 has been mentioned to me4 ,the last two expressions of this letter want explanation4 ,soon after ,i went to reside at the ,hermitage1 ,madam le ,vasseur seemed dissatisfied with her situation1 and to think the habitation too retired4 ,having heard she had expressed her dislike to the place1 ,i offered to send her back to ,paris1 if that were more agreeable to her2 to pay her lodging1 and to have the same care taken of her as if she remained with me4 ,she rejected my offer1 assured me she was very well satisfied with the ,hermitage1 and that the country air was of service to her4 ,this was evident1 for1 if ,i may so speak1 she seemed to become young again1 and enjoyed better health than at ,paris4 ,her daughter told me her mother would1 on the whole1 have been very sorry to quit the ,hermitage1 which was really a very delightful abode1 being fond of the little amusements of the garden and the care of the fruit of which she had the handling1 but that she had said1 what she had been desired to say1 to induce me to return to ,paris4 ,failing in this attempt they endeavored to obtain by a scruple the effect which complaisance had not produced1 and construed into a crime my keeping the old woman at a distance from the succors of which1 at her age1 she might be in need4 ,they did not recollect that she1 and many other old people1 whose lives were prolonged by the air of the country1 might obtain these succors at ,montmorency1 near to which ,i lived2 as if there were no old people1 except in ,paris1 and that it was impossible for them to live in any other place4 ,madam le ,vasseur who ate a great deal1 and with extreme voracity1 was subject to overflowings of bile and to strong diarrhoeas1 which lasted several days1 and served her instead of clysters4 ,at ,paris she neither did nor took anything for them1 but left nature to itself4 ,she observed the same rule at the ,hermitage1 knowing it was the best thing she could do4 ,no matter1 since there were not in the country either physicians or apothecaries1 keeping her there must1 no doubt1 be with the desire of putting an end to her existence1 although she was in perfect health4 ,diderot should have determined at what age1 under pain of being punished for homicide1 it is no longer permitted to let old people remain out of ,paris4 ,this was one of the atrocious accusations from which he did not except me in his remark2 that none but the wicked were alone3 and the meaning of his pathetic exclamation with the et cetera1 which he had benignantly added3 ,a woman of eighty years of age1 etc4 ,i thought the best answer that could be given to this reproach would be from ,madam le ,vasseur herself4 ,i desired her to write freely and naturally her sentiments to ,madam d',epinay4 ,to relieve her from all constraint ,i would not see her letter4 ,i showed her that which ,i am going to transcribe4 ,i wrote it to ,madam d',epinay upon the subject of an answer ,i wished to return to a letter still more severe from ,diderot1 and which she had prevented me from sending4 ,thursday4 ,my good friend4 ,madam le ,vasseur is to write to you3 ,i have desired her to tell you sincerely what she thinks4 ,to remove from her all constraint1 ,i have intimated to her that ,i will not see what she writes1 and ,i beg of you not to communicate to me any part of the contents of her letter4 ,i will not send my letter because you do not choose ,i should2 but1 feeling myself grievously offended1 it would be baseness and falsehood1 of either of which it is impossible for me to be guilty1 to acknowledge myself in the wrong4 ,holy writ commands him to whom a blow is given1 to turn the other cheek1 but not to ask pardon4 ,do you remember the man in comedy who exclaims1 while he is giving another blows with his staff1 ',this is the part of a philosopher6' ,do not flatter yourself that he will be prevented from coming by the bad weather we now have4 ,his rage will give him the time and strength which friendship refuses him1 and it will be the first time in his life he ever came upon the day he had appointed4 ,he will neglect nothing to come and repeat to me verbally the injuries with which he loads me in his letters2 ,i will endure them all with patience--he will return to ,paris to be ill again2 and1 according to custom1 ,i shall be a very hateful man4 ,what is to be done8 ,endure it all4 ,but do not you admire the wisdom of the man who would absolutely come to ,saint ,denis in a hackney-coach to dine there1 bring me home in a hackney-coach1 and whose finances1 eight days afterwards1 obliges him to come to the ,hermitage on foot8 ,it is not possible1 to speak his own language1 that this should be the style of sincerity4 ,but were this the case1 strange changes of fortune must have happened in the course of a week4 ,i join in your affliction for the illness of madam1 your mother1 but you will perceive your grief is not equal to mine4 ,we suffer less by seeing the persons we love ill than when they are unjust and cruel4 ,adieu1 my good friend1 ,i shall never again mention to you this unhappy affair4 ,you speak of going to ,paris with an unconcern1 which1 at any other time1 would give me pleasure4 ,i wrote to ,diderot1 telling him what ,i had done1 relative to ,madam le ,vasseur1 upon the proposal of ,madam d',epinay herself2 and ,madam le ,vasseur having1 as it may be imagined1 chosen to remain at the ,hermitage1 where she enjoyed a good state of health1 always had company1 and lived very agreeably1 ,diderot1 not knowing what else to attribute to me as a crime1 construed my precaution into one1 and discovered another in ,madam le ,vasseur continuing to reside at the ,hermitage1 although this was by her own choice2 and though her going to ,paris had depended1 and still depended upon herself1 where she would continue to receive the same succors from me as ,i gave her in my house4 ,this is the explanation of the first reproach in the letter of ,diderot4 ,that of the second is in the letter which follows3 ,the learned man 7a name given in a joke by ,grimm to the son of ,madam d',epinay7 must have informed you there were upon the rampart twenty poor persons who were dying with cold and hunger1 and waiting for the farthing you customarily gave them4 ,this is a specimen of our little babbling44444,and if you understand the rest it will amuse you perhap4 ,my answer to this terrible argument1 of which ,diderot seemed so proud1 was in the following words3 ,i think ,i answered the learned man2 that is1 the farmer-general1 that ,i did not pity the poor whom he had seen upon the rampart1 waiting for my farthing2 that he had probably amply made it up to them2 that ,i appointed him my substitute1 that the poor of ,paris would have no reason to complain of the change2 and that ,i should not easily find so good a one for the poor of ,montmorency1 who were in much greater need of assistance4 ,here is a good and respectable old man1 who1 after having worked hard all his lifetime1 no longer being able to continue his labors1 is in his old days dying with hunger4 ,my conscience is more satisfied with the two sous ,i give him every ,monday1 than with the hundred farthings ,i should have distributed amongst all the beggars on the rampart4 ,you are pleasant men1 you philosophers1 while you consider the inhabitants of the cities as the only persons whom you ought to befriend4 ,it is in the country men learn how to love and serve humanity2 all they learn in cities is to despise it4 ,such were the singular scruples on which a man of sense had the folly to attribute to me as a crime my retiring from ,paris1 and pretended to prove to me by my own example1 that it was not possible to live out of the capital without becoming a bad man4 ,i cannot at present conceive how ,i could be guilty of the folly of answering him1 and of suffering myself to be angry instead of laughing in his fare4 ,however1 the decisions of ,madam d',epinay and the clamors of the ',coterie ,holbachique' had so far operated in her favor1 that ,i was generally thought to be in the wrong2 and the ,d',houdetot herself1 very partial to ,diderot1 insisted upon my going to see him at ,paris1 and making all the advances towards an accommodation which1 full and sincere as it was on my part1 was not of long duration4 ,the victorious argument by which she subdued my heart was1 that at that moment ,diderot was in distress4 ,besides the storm excited against the ',encyclopedie'1 he had then another violent one to make head against1 relative to his piece1 which1 notwithstanding the short history he had printed at the head of it1 he was accused of having entirely taken from ,goldoni4 ,diderot1 more wounded by criticisms than ,voltaire1 was overwhelmed by them4 ,madam de ,grasigny had been malicious enough to spread a report that ,i had broken with him on this account4 ,i thought it would be just and generous publicly to prove the contrary1 and ,i went to pass two days1 not only with him1 but at his lodgings4 ,this1 since ,i had taken up my abode at the ,hermitage1 was my second journey to ,paris4 ,i had made the first to run to poor ,gauffecourt1 who had had a stroke of apoplexy1 from which he has never perfectly recovered3 ,i did not quit the side of his pillow until he was so far restored as to have no further need of my assistance4 ,diderot received me well4 ,how many wrongs are effaced by the embraces of a friend6 after these1 what resentment can remain in the heart8 ,we came to but little explanation4 ,this is needless for reciprocal invectives4 ,the only thing necessary is to know how to forget them4 ,there had been no underhand proceedings1 none at least that had come to my knowledge3 the case was not the same with ,madam d' ,epinay4 ,he showed me the plan of the ',pere de ,famille'4 ,this1 said ,i to him1 is the best defence to the ',fils ,naturel'4 ,be silent1 give your attention to this piece1 and then throw it at the head of your enemies as the only answer you think proper to make them4 ,he did so1 and was satisfied with what he had done4 ,i had six months before sent him the first two parts of my ',eloisa' to have his opinion upon them4 ,he had not yet read the work over4 ,we read a part of it together4 ,he found this 'feuillet'1 that was his term1 by which he meant loaded with words and redundancies4 ,i myself had already perceived it2 but it was the babbling of the fever3 ,i have never been able to correct it4 ,the last parts are not the same4 ,the fourth especially1 and the sixth1 are master-pieces of diction4 ,the day after my arrival1 he would absolutely take me to sup with ,m4 d',holbach4 ,we were far from agreeing on this point2 for ,i wished even to get rid of the bargain for the manuscript on chemistry1 for which ,i was enraged to be obliged to that man4 ,diderot carried all before him4 ,he swore ,d',holbach loved me with all his heart1 said ,i must forgive him his manner1 which was the same to everybody1 and more disagreeable to his friends than to others4 ,he observed to me that1 refusing the produce of this manuscript1 after having accepted it two years before1 was an affront to the donor which he had not deserved1 and that my refusal might be interpreted into a secret reproach1 for having waited so long to conclude the bargain4 ,i see1 added he1 ,d',holbach every day1 and know better than you do the nature of his disposition4 ,had you reason to be dissatisfied with him1 do you think your friend capable of advising you to do a mean thing8 ,in short1 with my accustomed weakness1 ,i suffered myself to be prevailed upon1 and we went to sup with the baron1 who received me as he usually had done4 ,but his wife received me coldly and almost uncivilly4 ,i saw nothing in her which resembled the amiable ,caroline1 who1 when a maid1 expressed for me so many good wishes4 ,i thought ,i had already perceived that since ,grimm had frequented the house of ,d',aine1 ,i had not met there so friendly a reception4 ,whilst ,i was at ,paris1 ,saint ,lambert arrived there from the army4 ,as ,i was not acquainted with his arrival1 ,i did not see him until after my return to the country1 first at the ,chevrette1 and afterwards at the ,hermitage2 to which he came with ,madam d',houdetot1 and invited himself to dinner with me4 ,it may be judged whether or not ,i received him with pleasure6 ,but ,i felt one still greater at seeing the good understanding between my guests4 ,satisfied with not having disturbed their happiness1 ,i myself was happy in being a witness to it1 and ,i can safely assert that1 during the whole of my mad passion1 and especially at the moment of which ,i speak1 had it been in my power to take from him ,madam d',houdetot ,i would not have done it1 nor should ,i have so much as been tempted to undertake it4 ,i found her so amiable in her passion for ,saint ,lambert1 that ,i could scarcely imagine she would have been as much so had she loved me instead of him2 and without wishing to disturb their union1 all ,i really desired of her was to permit herself to be loved4 ,finally1 however violent my passion may have been for this lady1 ,i found it as agreeable to be the confidant1 as the object of her amours1 and ,i never for a moment considered her lover as a rival1 but always as my friend4 ,it will be said this was not love3 be it so1 but it was something more4 ,as for ,saint ,lambert1 he behaved like an honest and judicious man3 as ,i was the only person culpable1 so was ,i the only one who was punished2 this1 however1 was with the greatest indulgence4 ,he treated me severely1 but in a friendly manner1 and ,i perceived ,i had lost something in his esteem1 but not the least part of his friendship4 ,for this ,i consoled myself1 knowing it would be much more easy to me to recover the one than the other1 and that he had too much sense to confound an involuntary weakness and a passion with a vice of character4 ,if even ,i were in fault in all that had passed1 ,i was but very little so4 ,had ,i first sought after his mistress8 ,had not he himself sent her to me8 ,did not she come in search of me8 ,could ,i avoid receiving her8 ,what could ,i do8 ,they themselves had done the evil1 and ,i was the person on whom it fell4 ,in my situation they would have done as much as ,i did1 and perhaps more2 for1 however estimable and faithful ,madam d',houdetot might be1 she was still a woman2 her lover was absent2 opportunities were frequent2 temptations strong2 and it would have been very difficult for her always to have defended herself with the same success against a more enterprising man4 ,we certainly had done a great deal in our situation1 in placing boundaries beyond which we never permitted ourselves to pass4 ,although at the bottom of my heart ,i found evidence sufficiently honorable in my favor1 so many appearances were against me1 that the invincible shame always predominant in me1 gave me in his presence the appearance of guilt1 and of this he took advantage for the purpose of humbling me3 a single circumstance will describe this reciprocal situation4 ,i read to him1 after dinner1 the letter ,i had written the preceding year to ,voltaire1 and of which ,saint ,lambert had heard speak4 ,whilst ,i was reading he fell asleep1 and ,i1 lately so haughty1 at present so foolish1 dared not stop1 and continued to read whilst he continued to snore4 ,such were my indignities and such his revenge2 but his generosity never permitted him to exercise them2 except between ourselves4 ,after his return to the army1 ,i found ,madam d',houdetot greatly changed in her manner with me4 ,at this ,i was as much surprised as if it had not been what ,i ought to have expected2 it affected me more than it ought to have done1 and did me considerable harm4 ,it seemed that everything from which ,i expected a cure1 still plunged deeper into my heart the dart1 which ,i at length broke in rather than draw out4 ,i was quite determined to conquer myself1 and leave no means untried to change my foolish passion into a pure and lasting friendship4 ,for this purpose ,i had formed the finest projects in the world2 for the execution of which the concurrence of ,madam d' ,houdetot was necessary4 ,when ,i wished to speak to her ,i found her absent and embarrassed2 ,i perceived ,i was no longer agreeable to her1 and that something had passed which she would not communicate to me1 and which ,i have never yet known4 ,this change1 and the impossibility of knowing the reason of it1 grieved me to the heart4 ,she asked me for her letters2 these ,i returned her with a fidelity of which she did me the insult to doubt for a moment4 ,this doubt was another wound given to my heart1 with which she must have been so well acquainted4 ,she did me justice1 but not immediately3 ,i understood that an examination of the packet ,i had sent her1 made her perceive her error2 ,i saw she reproached herself with it1 by which ,i was a gainer of something4 ,she could not take back her letters without returning me mine4 ,she told me she had burnt them3 of this ,i dared to doubt in my turn1 and ,i confess ,i doubt of it at this moment4 ,no1 such letters as mine to her were1 are never thrown into the fire4 ,those of ,eloisa have been found ardent4 ,heavens6 what would have been said of these6 ,no1 ,no1 she who can inspire a like passion1 will never have the courage to burn the proofs of it4 ,but ,i am not afraid of her having made a bad use of them3 of this ,i do not think her capable2 and besides ,i had taken proper measures to prevent it4 ,the foolish1 but strong apprehension of raillery1 had made me begin this correspondence in a manner to secure my letters from all communication4 ,i carried the familiarity ,i permitted myself with her in my intoxication so far as to speak to her in the singular number3 but what theeing and thouing6 she certainly could not be offended with it4 ,yet she several times complained1 but this was always useless3 her complaints had no other effect than that of awakening my fears1 and ,i besides could not suffer myself to lose ground4 ,if these letters be not yet destroyed1 and should they ever be made public1 the world will see in what manner ,i have loved4 ,the grief caused me by the coldness of ,madam d',houdetot1 and the certainty of not having merited it1 made me take the singular resolution to complain of it to ,saint ,lambert himself4 ,while waiting the effect of the letter ,i wrote to him1 ,i sought dissipations to which ,i ought sooner to have had recourse4 ,fetes were given at the ,chevrette for which ,i composed music4 ,the pleasure of honoring myself in the eyes of ,madam d',houdetot by a talent she loved1 warmed my imagination1 and another object still contributed to give it animation1 this was the desire the author of the ',devin du ,village' had of showing he understood music2 for ,i had perceived some persons had1 for a considerable time past1 endeavored to render this doubtful1 at least with respect to composition4 ,my beginning at ,paris1 the ordeal through which ,i had several times passed there1 both at the house of ,m4 ,dupin and that of ,m4 de la ,popliniere2 the quantity of music ,i had composed during fourteen years in the midst of the most celebrated masters and before their eyes3--finally1 the opera of the ',muses ,gallantes'1 and that even of the ',devin'2 a motet ,i had composed for ,mademoiselle ,fel1 and which she had sung at the spiritual concert2 the frequent conferences ,i had had upon this fine art with the first composers1 all seemed to prevent or dissipate a doubt of such a nature4 ,this however existed even at the ,chevrette1 and in the mind of ,m4 d',epinay himself4 ,without appearing to observe it1 ,i undertook to compose him a motet for the dedication of the chapel of the ,chevrette1 and ,i begged him to make choice of the words4 ,he directed de ,linant1 the tutor to his son1 to furnish me with these4 ,de ,linant gave me words proper to the subject1 and in a week after ,i had received them the motet was finished4 ,this time1 spite was my ,apollo1 and never did better music come from my hand4 ,the words began with3 ',ecce sedes hic ,tonantis'4 7,i have since learned these were by ,santeuil1 and that ,m4 de ,linant had without scruple appropriated them to himself47 ,the grandeur of the opening is suitable to the words1 and the rest of the motet is so elegantly harmonious that everyone was struck with it4 ,i had composed it for a great orchestra4 ,d',epinay procured the best performers4 ,madam ,bruna1 an ,italian singer1 sung the motet1 and was well accompanied4 ,the composition succeeded so well that it was afterwards performed at the spiritual concert1 where1 in spite of secret cabals1 and notwithstanding it was badly executed1 it was twice generally applauded4 ,i gave for the birthday of ,m4 d',epinay the idea of a kind of piece half dramatic and half pantomimical1 of which ,i also composed the music4 ,grimm1 on his arrival1 heard speak of my musical success4 ,an hour afterwards not a word more was said on the subject2 but there no longer remained a doubt1 not at least that ,i know of1 of my knowledge of composition4 ,grimm was scarcely arrived at the ,chevrette1 where ,i already did not much amuse myself1 before he made it insupportable to me by airs ,i never before saw in any person1 and of which ,i had no idea4 ,the evening before he came1 ,i was dislodged from the chamber of favor1 contiguous to that of ,madam d',epinay2 it was prepared for ,grimm1 and instead of it1 ,i was put into another further off4 ,in this manner1 said ,i1 laughingly1 to ,madam d',epinay1 new-comers displace those which are established4 ,she seemed embarrassed4 ,i was better acquainted the same evening with the reason for the change1 in learning that between her chamber and that ,i had quitted there was a private door which she had thought needless to show me4 ,her intercourse with ,grimm was not a secret either in her own house or to the public1 not even to her husband2 yet1 far from confessing it to me1 the confidant of secrets more important to her1 and which was sure would be faithfully kept1 she constantly denied it in the strongest manner4 ,i comprehended this reserve proceeded from ,grimm1 who1 though intrusted with all my secrets1 did not choose ,i should be with any of his4 ,however prejudiced ,i was in favor of this man by former sentiments1 which were not extinguished1 and by the real merit he had1 all was not proof against the cares he took to destroy it4 ,he received me like the ,comte de ,tuffiere2 he scarcely deigned to return my salute2 he never once spoke to me1 and prevented my speaking to him by not making me any answer2 he everywhere passed first1 and took the first place without ever paying me the least attention4 ,all this would have been supportable had he not accompanied it with a shocking affectation1 which may be judged of by one example taken from a hundred4 ,one evening ,madam d',epinay1 finding herself a little indisposed1 ordered something for her supper to be carried into her chamber1 and went up stairs to sup by the side of the fire4 ,she asked me to go with her1 which ,i did4 ,grimm came afterwards4 ,the little table was already placed1 and there were but two covers4 ,supper was served2 ,madam d' ,epinay took her place on one side of the fire1 ,grimm took an armed chair1 seated himself at the other1 drew the little table between them1 opened his napkin1 and prepared himself for eating without speaking to me a single word4 ,madam d' ,epinay blushed at his behavior1 and1 to induce him to repair his rudeness1 offered me her place4 ,he said nothing1 nor did he ever look at me4 ,not being able to approach the fire1 ,i walked about the chamber until a cover was brought4 ,indisposed as ,i was1 older than himself1 longer acquainted in the house than he had been1 the person who had introduced him there1 and to whom as a favorite of the lady he ought to have done the honors of it1 he suffered me to sup at the end of the table1 at a distance from the fire1 without showing me the least civility4 ,his whole behavior to me corresponded with this example of it4 ,he did not treat me precisely as his inferior1 but he looked upon me as a cipher4 ,i could scarcely recognize the same ,grimm1 who1 at the house of the ,prince de ,saxe-,gotha1 thought himself honored when ,i cast my eyes upon him4 ,i had still more difficulty in reconciling this profound silence and insulting haughtiness with the tender friendship he professed for me to those whom he knew to be real friends4 ,it is true the only proofs he gave of it was pitying my wretched fortune1 of which ,i did not complain2 compassionating my sad fate1 with which ,i was satisfied2 and lamenting to see me obstinately refuse the benevolent services1 he said1 he wished to render me4 ,thus was it he artfully made the world admire his affectionate generosity1 blame my ungrateful misanthropy1 and insensibly accustomed people to imagine there was nothing more between a protector like him and a wretch like myself1 than a connection founded upon benefactions on one part and obligations on the other1 without once thinking of a friendship between equals4 ,for my part1 ,i have vainly sought to discover in what ,i was under an obligation to this new protector4 ,i had lent him money1 he had never lent me any2 ,i had attended him in his illness1 he scarcely came to see me in mine2 ,i had given him all my friends1 he never had given me any of his2 ,i had said everything ,i could in his favor1 and if ever he has spoken of me it has been less publicly and in another manner4 ,he has never either rendered or offered me the least service of any kind4 ,how1 therefore1 was he my ,mecaenas8 ,in what manner was ,i protected by him8 ,this was incomprehensible to me1 and still remains so4 ,it is true1 he was more or less arrogant with everybody1 but ,i was the only person with whom he was brutally so4 ,i remember ,saint ,lambert once ready to throw a plate at his head1 upon his1 in some measure1 giving him the lie at table by vulgarly saying1 ,that is not true4 ,with his naturally imperious manner he had the self-sufficiency of an upstart1 and became ridiculous by being extravagantly impertinent4 ,an intercourse with the great had so far intoxicated him that he gave himself airs which none but the contemptible part of them ever assume4 ,he never called his lackey but by ,eh6 as if amongst the number of his servants my lord had not known which was in waiting4 ,when he sent him to buy anything1 he threw the money upon the ground instead of putting it into his hand4 ,in short1 entirely forgetting he was a man1 he treated him with such shocking contempt1 and so cruel a disdain in everything1 that the poor lad1 a very good creature1 whom ,madam d',epinay had recommended1 quitted his service without any other complaint than that of the impossibility of enduring such treatment4 ,this was the la ,fleur of this new presuming upstart4 ,as these things were nothing more than ridiculous1 but quite opposite to my character1 they contributed to render him suspicious to me4 ,i could easily imagine that a man whose head was so much deranged could not have a heart well placed4 ,he piqued himself upon nothing so much as upon sentiments4 ,how could this agree with defects which are peculiar to little minds8 ,how can the continued overflowings of a susceptible heart suffer it to be incessantly employed in so many little cares relative to the person8 ,he who feels his heart inflamed with this celestial fire strives to diffuse it1 and wishes to show what he internally is4 ,he would wish to place his heart in his countenance1 and thinks not of other paint for his cheeks4 ,i remember the summary of his morality which ,madam d',epinay had mentioned to me and adopted4 ,this consisted in one single article2 that the sole duty of man is to follow all the inclinations of his heart4 ,this morality1 when ,i heard it mentioned1 gave me great matter of reflection1 although ,i at first considered it solely as a play of wit4 ,but ,i soon perceived it was a principle really the rule of his conduct1 and of which ,i afterwards had1 at my own expense1 but too many convincing proofs4 ,it is the interior doctrine ,diderot has so frequently intimated to me1 but which ,i never heard him explain4 ,i remember having several years before been frequently told that ,grimm was false1 that he had nothing more than the appearance of sentiment1 and particularly that he did not love me4 ,i recollected several little anecdotes which ,i had heard of him by ,m4 de ,francueil and ,madam de ,chenonceaux1 neither of whom esteemed him1 and to whom he must have been known1 as ,madam de ,chenonceaux was daughter to ,madam de ,rochechouart1 the intimate friend of the late ,comte de ,friese1 and that ,m4 de ,francueil1 at that time very intimate with the ,viscount de ,polignac1 had lived a good deal at the ,palais ,royal precisely when ,grimm began to introduce himself there4 ,all ,paris heard of his despair after the death of the ,comte de ,friese4 ,it was necessary to support the reputation he had acquired after the rigors of ,mademoiselle ,fel1 and of which ,i1 more than any other person1 should have seen the imposture1 had ,i been less blind4 ,he was obliged to be dragged to the ,hotel de ,castries where he worthily played his part1 abandoned to the most mortal affliction4 ,there1 he every morning went into the garden to weep at his ease1 holding before his eyes his handkerchief moistened with tears1 as long as he was in sight of the hotel1 but at the turning of a certain alley1 people1 of whom he little thought1 saw him instantly put his handkerchief in his pocket and take out of it a book4 ,this observation1 which was repeatedly made1 soon became public in ,paris1 and was almost as soon forgotten4 ,i myself had forgotten it2 a circumstance in which ,i was concerned brought it to my recollection4 ,i was at the point of death in my bed1 in the ,rue de ,grenelle1 ,grimm was in the country2 he came one morning1 quite out of breath1 to see me1 saying1 he had arrived in town that very instant2 and a moment afterwards ,i learned he had arrived the evening before1 and had been seen at the theatre4 ,i heard many things of the same kind2 but an observation1 which ,i was surprised not to have made sooner1 struck me more than anything else4 ,i had given to ,grimm all my friends without exception1 they were become his4 ,i was so inseparable from him1 that ,i should have had some difficulty in continuing to visit at a house where he was not received4 ,madam de ,crequi was the only person who refused to admit him into her company1 and whom for that reason ,i have seldom since seen4 ,grimm on his part made himself other friends1 as well by his own means1 as by those of the ,comte de ,friese4 ,of all these not one of them ever became my friend3 he never said a word to induce me even to become acquainted with them1 and not one of those ,i sometimes met at his apartments ever showed me the least good will2 the ,comte de ,friese1 in whose house he lived1 and with whom it consequently would have been agreeable to me to form some connection1 not excepted1 nor the ,comte de ,schomberg1 his relation1 with whom ,grimm was still more intimate4 ,add to this1 my own friends1 whom ,i made his1 and who were all tenderly attached to me before this acquaintance1 were no longer so the moment it was made4 ,he never gave me one of his4 ,i gave him all mine1 and these he has taken from me4 ,if these be the effects of friendship1 what are those of enmity8 ,diderot himself told me several times at the beginning that ,grimm in whom ,i had so much confidence1 was not my friend4 ,he changed his language the moment he was no longer so himself4 ,the manner in which ,i had disposed of my children wanted not the concurrence of any person4 ,yet ,i informed some of my friends of it1 solely to make it known to them1 and that ,i might not in their eyes appear better than ,i was4 ,these friends were three in number3 ,diderot1 ,grimm1 and ,madam d',epinay4 ,duclos1 the most worthy of my confidence1 was the only real friend whom ,i did not inform of it4 ,he nevertheless knew what ,i had done4 ,by whom8 ,this ,i know not4 ,it is not very probable the perfidy came from ,madam d',epinay1 who knew that by following her example1 had ,i been capable of doing it1 ,i had in my power the means of a cruel revenge4 ,it remains therefore between ,grimm and ,diderot1 then so much united1 especially against me1 and it is probable this crime was common to them both4 ,i would lay a wager that ,duclos1 to whom ,i never told my secret1 and who consequently was at liberty to make what use he pleased of his information1 is the only person who has not spoken of it again4 ,grimm and ,diderot1 in their project to take from me the governesses1 had used the greatest efforts to make ,duclos enter into their views2 but this he refused to do with disdain4 ,it was not until sometime afterwards that ,i learned from him what had passed between them on the subject2 but ,i learned at the time from ,theresa enough to perceive there was some secret design1 and that they wished to dispose of me1 if not against my own consent1 at least without my knowledge1 or had an intention of making these two persons serve as instruments of some project they had in view4 ,this was far from upright conduct4 ,the opposition of ,duclos is a convincing proof of it4 ,they who think proper may believe it to be friendship4 ,this pretended friendship was as fatal to me at home as it was abroad4 ,the long and frequent conversations with ,madam le ,vasseur1 for several years past1 had made a sensible change in this woman's behavior to me1 and the change was far from being in my favor4 ,what was the subject of these singular conversations8 ,why such a profound mystery8 ,was the conversation of that old woman agreeable enough to take her into favor1 and of sufficient importance to make of it so great a secret8 ,during the two or three years these colloquies had1 from time to time1 been continued1 they had appeared to me ridiculous2 but when ,i thought of them again1 they began to astonish me4 ,this astonishment would have been carried to inquietude had ,i then known what the old creature was preparing for me4 ,notwithstanding the pretended zeal for my welfare of which ,grimm made such a public boast1 difficult to reconcile with the airs he gave himself when we were together1 ,i heard nothing of him from any quarter the least to my advantage1 and his feigned commiseration tended less to do me service than to render me contemptible4 ,he deprived me as much as he possibly could of the resource ,i found in the employment ,i had chosen1 by decrying me as a bad copyist4 ,i confess he spoke the truth2 but in this case it was not for him to do it4 ,he proved himself in earnest by employing another copyist1 and prevailing upon everybody he could1 by whom ,i was engaged1 to do the same4 ,his intention might have been supposed to be that of reducing me to a dependence upon him and his credit for a subsistence1 and to cut off the latter until ,i was brought to that degree of distress4 ,all things considered1 my reason imposed silence upon my former prejudice1 which still pleaded in his favor4 ,i judged his character to be at least suspicious1 and with respect to his friendship ,i positively decided it to be false4 ,i then resolved to see him no more1 and informed ,madam d',epinay of the resolution ,i had taken1 supporting1 it with several unanswerable facts1 but which ,i have now forgotten4 ,she strongly combated my resolution without knowing how to reply to the reasons on which it was founded4 ,she had not concerted with him2 but the next day1 instead of explaining herself verbally1 she1 with great address1 gave me a letter they had drawn up together1 and by which1 without entering into a detail of facts1 she justified him by his concentrated character1 attributed to me as a crime my having suspected him of perfidy towards his friend1 and exhorted me to come to an accommodation with him4 ,this letter staggered me4 ,in a conversation we afterwards had together1 and in which ,i found her better prepared than she had been the first time1 ,i suffered myself to be quite prevailed upon1 and was inclined to believe ,i might have judged erroneously4 ,in this case ,i thought ,i really had done a friend a very serious injury1 which it was my duty to repair4 ,in short1 as ,i had already done several times with ,diderot1 and the ,baron d',holbach1 half from inclination1 and half from weakness1 ,i made all the advances ,i had a right to require2 ,i went to ,m4 ,grimm1 like another ,george ,dandin1 to make him my apologies for the offence he had given me2 still in the false persuasion1 which1 in the course of my life has made me guilty of a thousand meannesses to my pretended friends1 that there is no hatred which may not be disarmed by mildness and proper behavior2 whereas1 on the contrary1 the hatred of the wicked becomes still more envenomed by the impossibility of finding anything to found it upon1 and the sentiment of their own injustice is another cause of offence against the person who is the object of it4 ,i have1 without going further than my own history1 a strong proof of this maxim in ,grimm1 and in ,tronchin2 both became my implacable enemies from inclination1 pleasure and fancy1 without having been able to charge me with having done either of them the most trifling injury1 and whose rage1 like that of tigers1 becomes daily more fierce by the facility of satiating it4 ,i did not give the surname of ,jongleur to the latter until a long time after his enmity had been declared1 and the persecutions he brought upon me at ,geneva and elsewhere4 ,i soon suppressed the name the moment ,i perceived ,i was entirely his victim4 ,mean vengeance is unworthy of my heart1 and hatred never takes the least root in it4 ,i expected that ,grimm1 confused by my condescension and advances1 would receive me with open arms1 and the most tender friendship4 ,he received me as a ,roman ,emperor would have done1 and with a haughtiness ,i never saw in any person but himself4 ,i was by no means prepared for such a reception4 ,when1 in the embarrassment of the part ,i had to act1 and which was so unworthy of me1 ,i had1 in a few words and with a timid air1 fulfilled the object which had brought me to him2 before he received me into favor1 he pronounced1 with a deal of majesty1 an harangue he had prepared1 and which contained a long enumeration of his rare virtues1 and especially those connected with friendship4 ,he laid great stress upon a thing which at first struck me a great deal3 this was his having always preserved the same friends4 ,whilst he was yet speaking1 ,i said to myself1 it would be cruel for me to be the only exception to this rule4 ,he returned to the subject so frequently1 and with such emphasis1 that ,i thought1 if in this he followed nothing but the sentiments of his heart1 he would be less struck with the maxim1 and that he made of it an art useful to his views by procuring the means of accomplishing them4 ,until then ,i had been in the same situation2 ,i had preserved all my first friends1 those even from my tenderest infancy1 without having lost one of them except by death1 and yet ,i had never before made the reflection3 it was not a maxim ,i had prescribed myself4 ,since1 therefore1 the advantage was common to both1 why did he boast of it in preference1 if he had not previously intended to deprive me of the merit8 ,he afterwards endeavored to humble me by proofs of the preference our common friends gave to him4 ,with this ,i was as well acquainted as himself2 the question was1 by what means he had obtained it8 whether it was by merit or address8 by exalting himself1 or endeavoring to abase me8 ,at last1 when he had placed between us all the distance that he could add to the value of the favor he was about to confer1 he granted me the kiss of peace1 in a slight embrace which resembled the accolade which the king gives to newmade knights4 ,i was stupefied with surprise3 ,i knew not what to say2 not a word could ,i utter4 ,the whole scene had the appearance of the reprimand a preceptor gives to his pupil while he graciously spares inflicting the rod4 ,i never think of it without perceiving to what degree judgments1 founded upon appearances to which the vulgar give so much weight1 are deceitful1 and how frequently audaciousness and pride are found in the guilty1 and shame and embarrassment in the innocent4 ,we were reconciled3 this was a relief to my heart1 which every kind of quarrel fills with anguish4 ,it will naturally be supposed that a like reconciliation changed nothing in his manners2 all it effected was to deprive me of the right of complaining of them4 ,for this reason ,i took a resolution to endure everything1 and for the future to say not a word4 ,so many successive vexations overwhelmed me to such a degree as to leave me but little power over my mind4 ,receiving no answer from ,saint ,lambert1 neglected by ,madam d',houdetot1 and no longer daring to open my heart to any person1 ,i began to be afraid that by making friendship my idol1 ,i should sacrifice my whole life to chimeras4 ,after putting all those with whom ,i had been acquainted to the test1 there remained but two who had preserved my esteem1 and in whom my heart could confide3 ,duclos1 of whom since my retreat to the ,hermitage ,i had lost sight1 and ,saint ,lambert4 ,i thought the only means of repairing the wrongs ,i had done the latter1 was to open myself to him without reserve1 and ,i resolved to confess to him everything by which his mistress should not be exposed4 ,i have no doubt but this was another snare of my passions to keep me nearer to her person2 but ,i should certainly have had no reserve with her lover1 entirely submitting to his direction1 and carrying sincerity as far as it was possible to do it4 ,i was upon the point of writing to him a second letter1 to which ,i was certain he would have returned an answer1 when ,i learned the melancholy cause of his silence relative to the first4 ,he had been unable to support until the end the fatigues of the campaign4 ,madam d',epinay informed me he had had an attack of the palsy1 and ,madam d',houdetot1 ill from affliction1 wrote me two or three days after from ,paris1 that he was going to ,aix-la-,chapelle to take the benefit of the waters4 ,i will not say this melancholy circumstance afflicted me as it did her2 but ,i am of opinion my grief of heart was as painful as her tears4 ,the pain of knowing him to be in such a state1 increased by the fear least inquietude should have contributed to occasion it1 affected me more than anything that had yet happened1 and ,i felt most cruelly a want of fortitude1 which in my estimation was necessary to enable me to support so many misfortunes4 ,happily this generous friend did not long leave me so overwhelmed with affliction2 he did not forget me1 notwithstanding his attack2 and ,i soon learned from himself that ,i had ill judged his sentiments1 and been too much alarmed for his situation4 ,it is now time ,i should come to the grand revolution of my destiny1 to the catastrophe which has divided my life in two parts so different from each other1 and1 from a very trifling cause1 produced such terrible effects4 ,one day1 little thinking of what was to happen1 ,madam d',epinay sent for me to the ,chevrette4 ,the moment ,i saw her ,i perceived in her eyes and whole countenance an appearance of uneasiness1 which struck me the more1 as this was not customary1 nobody knowing better than she did how to govern her features and her movements4 ,my friend1 said she to me1 ,i am immediately going to set off for ,geneva2 my breast is in a bad state1 and my health so deranged that ,i must go and consult ,tronchin4 ,i was the more astonished at this resolution so suddenly taken1 and at the beginning of the bad season of the year1 as thirty-six hours before she had not1 when ,i left her1 so much as thought of it4 ,i asked her who she would take with her4 ,she said her son and ,m4 de ,linant2 and afterwards carelessly added1 ,and you1 dear1 will not you go also8 ,as ,i did not think she spoke seriously1 knowing that at the season of the year ,i was scarcely in a situation to go to my chamber1 ,i joked upon the utility of the company1 of one sick person to another4 ,she herself had not seemed to make the proposition seriously1 and here the matter dropped4 ,the rest of our conversation ran upon the necessary preparations for her journey1 about which she immediately gave orders1 being determined to set off within a fortnight4 ,she lost nothing by my refusal1 having prevailed upon her husband to accompany her4 ,a few days afterwards ,i received from ,diderot the note ,i am going to transcribe4 ,this note1 simply doubled up1 so that the contents were easily read1 was addressed to me at ,madam d',epinay's1 and sent to ,m4 de ,linant1 tutor to the son1 and confidant to the mother4 ,,note ,,from ,,diderot4 ,i am naturally disposed to love you1 and am born to give you trouble4 ,i am informed ,madam d',epinay is going to ,geneva1 and do not hear you are to accompany her4 ,my friend1 you are satisfied with ,madam d',epinay1 you must go1 with her2 if dissatisfied you ought still less to hesitate4 ,do you find the weight of the obligations you are under to her uneasy to you8 ,this is an opportunity of discharging a part of them1 and relieving your mind4 ,do you ever expect another opportunity like the present one1 of giving her proofs of your gratitude8 ,she is going to a country where she will be quite a stranger4 ,she is ill1 and will stand in need of amusement and dissipation4 ,the winter season too6 ,consider1 my friend4 ,your ill state of health may be a much greater objection than ,i think it is2 but are you now more indisposed than you were a month ago1 or than you will be at the beginning of spring8 ,will you three months hence be in a situation to perform the journey more at your ease than at present8 ,for my part ,i cannot but observe to you that were ,i unable to bear the shaking of the carriage ,i would take my staff and follow her4 ,have you no fears lest your conduct should be misinterpreted8 ,you will be suspected of ingratitude or of a secret motive4 ,i well know1 that let you do as you will you will have in your favor the testimony of your conscience1 but will this alone be sufficient1 and is it permitted to neglect to a certain degree that which is necessary to acquire the approbation of others8 ,what ,i now write1 my good friend1 is to acquit myself of what ,i think ,i owe to us both4 ,should my letter displease you1 throw it into the fire and let it be forgotten4 ,i salute1 love and embrace you4 ,although trembling and almost blind with rage whilst ,i read this epistle1 ,i remarked the address with which ,diderot affected a milder and more polite language than he had done in his former ones1 wherein he never went further than ,my dear1 without ever deigning to add the name of friend4 ,i easily discovered the secondhand means by which the letter was conveyed to me2 the subscription1 manner and form awkwardly betrayed the manoeuvre2 for we commonly wrote to each other by post1 or the messenger of ,montmorency1 and this was the first and only time he sent me his letter by any other conveyance4 ,as soon as the first transports of my indignation permitted me to write1 ,i1 with great precipitation1 wrote him the following answer1 which ,i immediately carried from the ,hermitage1 where ,i then was1 to ,chevrette1 to show it to ,madam d' ,epinay2 to whom1 in my blind rage1 ,i read the contents1 as well as the letter from ,diderot4 ,you cannot1 my dear friend1 either know the magnitude of the obligations ,i am under to ,madam d',epinay1 to what a degree ,i am bound by them1 whether or not she is desirous of my accompanying her1 that this is possible1 or the reasons ,i may have for my noncompliance4 ,i have no objection to discuss all these points with you2 but you will in the meantime confess that prescribing to me so positively what ,i ought to do1 without first enabling yourself to judge of the matter1 is1 my dear philosopher1 acting very inconsiderately4 ,what is still worse1 ,i perceive the opinion you give comes not from yourself4 ,besides my being but little disposed to suffer myself to be led by the nose under your name by any third or fourth person1 ,i observe in this secondary advice certain underhand dealing1 which ill agrees with your candor1 and from which you will on your account1 as well as mine1 do well in future to abstain4 ,you are afraid my conduct should be misinterpreted2 but ,i defy a heart like yours to think ill of mine4 ,others would perhaps speak better of me if ,i resembled them more4 ,god preserve me from gaining their approbation6 ,let the vile and wicked watch over my conduct and misinterpret my actions1 ,rousseau is not a man to be afraid of them1 nor is ,diderot to be prevailed upon to hearken to what they say4 ,if ,i am displeased with your letter1 you wish me to throw it into the fire1 and pay no attention to the contents4 ,do you imagine that anything coming from you can be forgotten in such a manner8 ,you hold1 my dear friend1 my tears as cheap in the pain you give me1 as you do my life and health1 in the cares you exhort me to take4 ,could you but break yourself of this1 your friendship would be more pleasing to me1 and ,i should be less to be pitied4 ,on entering the chamber of ,madam d',epinay ,i found ,grimm with her1 with which ,i was highly delighted4 ,i read to them1 in a loud and clear voice1 the two letters1 with an intrepidity of which ,i should not have thought myself capable1 and concluded with a few observations not in the least derogatory to it4 ,at this unexpected audacity in a man generally timid1 they were struck dumb with surprise2 ,i perceived that arrogant man look down upon the ground1 not daring to meet my eyes1 which sparkled with indignation2 but in the bottom of his heart he from that instant resolved upon my destruction1 and1 with ,madam d' ,epinay1 ,i am certain concerted measures to that effect before they separated4 ,it was much about this time that ,i at length received1 by ,madam d',houdetot1 the answer from ,saint ,lambert1 dated from ,wolfenbttel1 a few days after the accident had happened to him1 to my letter which had been long delayed upon the road4 ,this answer gave me the consolation of which ,i then stood so much in need2 it was full of assurance of esteem and friendship1 and these gave me strength and courage to deserve them4 ,from that moment ,i did my duty1 but had ,saint ,lambert been less reasonable1 generous and honest1 ,i was inevitably lost4 ,the season became bad1 and people began to quit the country4 ,madam d',houdetot informed me of the day on which she intended to come and bid adieu to the valley1 and gave me a rendezvous at ,eaubonne4 ,this happened to be the same day on which ,madam d',epinay left the ,chevrette to go to ,paris for the purpose of completing preparations for her journey4 ,fortunately she set off in the morning1 and ,i had still time to go and dine with her sister-in-law4 ,i had the letter from ,saint ,lambert in my pocket1 and read it over several times as ,i walked along1 ,this letter served me as a shield against my weakness4 ,i made and kept to the resolution of seeing nothing in ,madam d',houdetot but my friend and the mistress of ,saint ,lambert2 and ,i passed with her a tete-a-tete of four hours in a most delicious calm1 infinitely preferable1 even with respect to enjoyment1 to the paroxysms of a burning fever1 which1 always1 until that moment1 ,i had had when in her presence4 ,as she too well knew my heart not to be changed1 she was sensible of the efforts ,i made to conquer myself1 and esteemed me the more for them1 and ,i had the pleasure of perceiving that her friendship for me was not extinguished4 ,she announced to me the approaching return of ,saint ,lambert1 who1 although well enough recovered from his attack1 was unable to bear the fatigues of war1 and was quitting the service to come and live in peace with her4 ,we formed the charming project of an intimate connection between us three1 and had reason to hope it would be lasting1 since it was founded on every sentiment by which honest and susceptible hearts could be united2 and we had moreover amongst us all the knowledge and talents necessary to be sufficient to ourselves without the aid of any foreign supplement4 ,alas6 in abandoning myself to the hope of so agreeable a life ,i little suspected that which awaited me4 ,we afterwards spoke of my situation with ,madam d',epinay4 ,i showed her the letter from ,diderot1 with my answer to it2 ,i related to her everything that had passed upon the subject1 and declared to her my resolution of quitting the ,hermitage4 ,this she vehemently opposed1 and by reasons all powerful over my heart4 ,she expressed to me how much she could have wished ,i had been of the party to ,geneva1 foreseeing she should inevitably be considered as having caused the refusal1 which the letter of ,diderot seemed previously to announce4 ,however1 as she was acquainted with my reasons1 she did not insist upon this point1 but conjured me to avoid coming to an open rupture let it cost me what mortification it would1 and to palliate my refusal by reasons sufficiently plausible to put away all unjust suspicions of her having been the cause of it4 ,i told her the task she imposed on me was not easy2 but that1 resolved to expiate my faults at the expense of my reputation1 ,i would give the preference to hers in everything that honor permitted me to suffer4 ,it will soon be seen whether or not ,i fulfilled this engagement4 ,my passion was so far from having lost any part of its force that ,i never in my life loved my ,sophia so ardently and tenderly as on that day1 but such was the impression made upon me by the letter of ,saint ,lambert1 the sentiment of my duty and the horror in which ,i held perfidy1 that during the whole time of the interview my senses left me in peace1 and ,i was not so much as tempted to kiss her hand4 ,at parting she embraced me before her servants4 ,this embrace1 so different from those ,i had sometimes stolen from her under the foliage1 proved ,i was become master of myself2 and ,i am certain that had my mind1 undisturbed1 had time to acquire more firmness1 three months would have cured me radically4 ,here ends my personal connections with ,madam d',houdetot2 connections of which each has been able to judge by appearance according to the disposition of his own heart1 but in which the passion inspired me by that amiable woman1 the most lively passion1 perhaps1 man ever felt1 will be honorable in our own eyes by the rare and painful sacrifice we both made to duty1 honor1 love1 and friendship4 ,we each had too high an opinion of the other easily to suffer ourselves to do anything derogatory to our dignity4 ,we must have been unworthy of all esteem had we not set a proper value upon one like this1 and the energy of my sentiments which have rendered us culpable1 was that which prevented us from becoming so4 ,thus after a long friendship for one of these women1 and the strongest affection for the other1 ,i bade them both adieu the same day1 to one never to see her more1 to the other to see her again twice1 upon occasions of which ,i shall hereafter speak4 ,after their departure1 ,i found myself much embarrassed to fulfill so many pressing and contradictory duties1 the consequences of my imprudence2 had ,i been in my natural situation1 after the proposition and refusal of the journey to ,geneva1 ,i had only to remain quiet1 and everything was as it should be4 ,but ,i had foolishly made of it an affair which could not remain in the state it was1 and an explanation was absolutely necessary1 unless ,i quitted the ,hermitage1 which ,i had just promised ,madam d',houdetot not to do1 at least for the present4 ,moreover she had required me to make known the reasons for my refusal to my pretended friends1 that it might not be imputed to her4 ,yet ,i could not state the true reason without doing an outrage to ,madam d',epinay1 who certainly had a right to my gratitude for what she had done for me4 ,everything well considered1 ,i found myself reduced to the severe but indispensable necessity of failing in respect1 either to ,madam d',upinay1 ,madam d',houdetot or to myself2 and it was the last ,i resolved to make my victim4 ,this ,i did without hesitation1 openly and fully1 and with so much generosity as to make the act worthy of expiating the faults which had reduced me to such an extremity4 ,this sacrifice1 taken advantage of by my enemies1 and which they1 perhaps1 did not expect1 has ruined my reputation1 and by their assiduity1 deprived me of the esteem of the public2 but it has restored to me my own1 and given me consolation in my misfortune4 ,this1 as it will hereafter appear1 is not the last time ,i made such a sacrifice1 nor that advantages were taken of it to do me an injury4 ,grimm was the only person who appeared to have taken no part in the affair1 and it was to him ,i determined to address myself4 ,i wrote him a long letter1 in which ,i set forth the ridiculousness of considering it as my duty to accompany ,madam d' ,epinay to ,geneva1 the inutility of the measure1 and the embarrassment even it would have caused her1 besides the inconvenience to myself4 ,i could not resist the temptation of letting him perceive in this letter how fully ,i was informed in what manner things were arranged1 and that to me it appeared singular ,i should be expected to undertake the journey whilst he himself dispensed with it1 and that his name was never mentioned4 ,this letter1 wherein1 on account of my not being able clearly to state my reasons1 ,i was often obliged to wander from the text1 would have rendered me culpable in the eyes of the public1 but it was a model of reservedness and discretion for the people who1 like ,grimm1 were fully acquainted with the things ,i forbore to mention1 and which justified my conduct4 ,i did not even hesitate to raise another prejudice against myself in attributing the advice of ,diderot1 to my other friends4 ,this ,i did to insinuate that ,madam d',houdetot had been in the same opinion as she really was1 and in not mentioning that1 upon the reasons ,i gave her1 she thought differently1 ,i could not better remove the suspicion of her having connived at my proceedings than appearing dissatisfied with her behavior4 ,this letter was concluded by an act of confidence which would have had an effect upon any other man2 for1 in desiring ,grimm to weigh my reasons and afterwards to give me his opinion1 ,i informed him that1 let this be what it would1 ,i should act accordingly1 and such was my intention had he even thought ,i ought to set off2 for ,m4 d',epinay having appointed himself the conductor of his wife1 my going with them would then have had a different appearance2 whereas it was ,i who1 in the first place1 was asked to take upon me that employment1 and he was out of the question until after my refusal4 ,the answer from ,grimm was slow incoming2 it was singular enough1 on which account ,i will here transcribe it4 ,the departure of ,madam d',epinay is postponed2 her son is ill1 and it is necessary to wait until his health is re-established4 ,i will consider the contents of your letter4 ,remain quiet at your ,hermitage4 ,i will send you my opinion as soon as this shall be necessary4 ,as she will certainly not set off for some days1 there is no immediate occasion for it4 ,in the meantime you may1 if you think proper1 make her your offers1 although this to me seems a matter of indifference4 ,for1 knowing your situation as well as you do yourself1 ,i doubt not of her returning to your offer such an answer as she ought to do2 and all the advantage which1 in my opinion1 can result from this1 will be your having it in your power to say to those by whom you may be importuned1 that your not being of the travelling party was not for want of having made your offers to that effect4 ,moreover1 ,i do not see why you will absolutely have it that the philosopher is the speaking-trumpet of all the world1 nor because he is of opinion you ought to go1 why you should imagine all your friends think as he does8 ,if you write to ,madam d',epinay1 her answer will be yours to all your friends1 since you have it so much at heart to give them all an answer4 ,adieu4 ,i embrace ,madam le ,vasseur and the ,criminal4 ,m4 le ,vasseur1 whose wife governed him rather rudely1 called her the ,lieutenant ,criminal4 ,grimm in a joke gave the same name to the daughter1 and by way of abridgment was pleased to retrench the first word4 ,struck with astonishment at reading this letter ,i vainly endeavored to find out what it meant4 ,how6 instead of answering me with simplicity1 he took time to consider of what ,i had written1 as if the time he had already taken was not sufficient6 ,he intimates even the state of suspense in which he wishes to keep me1 as if a profound problem was to be resolved1 or that it was of importance to his views to deprive me of every means of comprehending his intentions until the moment he should think proper to make them known4 ,what therefore did he mean by these precautions1 delays1 and mysteries8 ,was this manner of acting consistent with honor and uprightness8 ,i vainly sought for some favorable interpretation of his conduct2 it was impossible to find one4 ,whatever his design might be1 were this inimical to me1 his situation facilitated the execution of it without its being possible for me in mine to oppose the least obstacle4 ,in favor in the house of a great prince1 having an extensive acquaintance1 and giving the tone to common circles of which he was the oracle1 he had it in his power1 with his usual address1 to dispose everything in his favor2 and ,i1 alone in my ,hermitage1 far removed from all society1 without the benefit of advice1 and having no communication with the world1 had nothing to do but to remain in peace4 ,all ,i did was to write to ,madam d',epinay upon the illness of her son1 as polite a letter as could be written1 but in which ,i did not fall into the snare of offering to accompany her to ,geneva4 ,after waiting for a long time in the most cruel uncertainty1 into which that barbarous man had plunged me1 ,i learned1 at the expiration of eight or ten days1 that ,madam d',epinay was set off1 and received from him a second letter4 ,it contained not more than seven or eight lines which ,i did not entirely read4 ,it was a rupture1 but in such terms as the most infernal hatred only can dictate1 and these became unmeaning by the excessive degree of acrimony with which he wished to charge them4 ,he forbade me his presence as he would have forbidden me his states4 ,all that was wanting to his letter to make it laughable1 was to be read over with coolness4 ,without taking a copy of it1 or reading the whole of the contents1 ,i returned it him immediately1 accompanied by the following note3 ,i refused to admit the force of the just reasons ,i had of suspicion3 ,i now1 when it is too late1 am become sufficiently acquainted with your character4 ,this then is the letter upon which you took time to meditate3 ,i return it to you1 it is not for me4 ,you may show mine to the whole world and hate me openly2 this on your part will be a falsehood the less4 ,my telling he might show my preceding letter related to an article in his by which his profound address throughout the whole affair will be judged of4 ,i have observed that my letter might inculpate me in the eyes of persons unacquainted with the particulars of what had passed4 ,this he was delighted to discover2 but how was he to take advantage of it without exposing himself8 ,by showing the letter he ran the risk of being reproached with abusing the confidence of his friend4 ,to relieve himself from this embarrassment he resolved to break with me in the most violent manner possible1 and to set forth in his letter the favor he did me in not showing mine4 ,he was certain that in my indignation and anger ,i should refuse his feigned discretion1 and permit him to show my letter to everybody2 this was what he wished for1 and everything turned out as he expected it would4 ,he sent my letter all over ,paris1 with his own commentaries upon it1 which1 however1 were not so successful as he had expected them to be4 ,it was not judged that the permission he had extorted to make my letter public exempted him from the blame of having so lightly taken me at my word to do me an injury4 ,people continually asked what personal complaints he had against me to authorize so violent a hatred4 ,finally1 it was thought that if even my behavior had been such as to authorize him to break with me1 friendship1 although extinguished1 had rights which he ought to have respected4 ,but unfortunately the inhabitants of ,paris are frivolous2 remarks of the moment are soon forgotten2 the absent and unfortunate are neglected2 the man who prospers secures favor by his presence2 the intriguing and malicious support each other1 renew their vile efforts1 and the effects of these1 incessantly succeeding each other1 efface everything by which they were preceded4 ,thus1 after having so long deceived me1 this man threw aside his mask2 convinced that1 in the state to which he had brought things1 he no longer stood in need of it4 ,relieved from the fear of being unjust towards the wretch1 ,i left him to his reflections1 and thought no more of him4 ,a week afterwards ,i received an answer from ,madam d',epinay1 dated from ,geneva4 ,i understood from the manner of her letter1 in which for the first time in her life1 she put on airs of state with me1 that both depending but little upon the success of their measures1 and considering me a man inevitably lost1 their intentions were to give themselves the pleasure of completing my destruction4 ,in fact1 my situation was deplorable4 ,i perceived all my friends withdrew themselves from me without knowing how or for why4 ,diderot1 who boasted of the continuation of his attachment1 and who1 for three months past1 had promised me a visit1 did not come4 ,the winter began to make its appearance1 and brought with it my habitual disorders4 ,my constitution1 although vigorous1 had been unequal to the combat of so many opposite passions4 ,i was so exhausted that ,i had neither strength nor courage sufficient to resist the most trifling indisposition4 ,had my engagements1 and the continued remonstrances of ,diderot and ,madam d',houdetot then permitted me to quit the ,hermitage1 ,i knew not where to go1 nor in what manner to drag myself along4 ,i remained stupid and immovable4 ,the idea alone of a step to take1 a letter to write1 or a word to say1 made me tremble4 ,i could not however do otherwise than reply to the letter of ,madam d',epinay without acknowledging myself to be worthy of the treatment with which she and her friend overwhelmed me4 ,i determined upon notifying to her my sentiments and resolutions1 not doubting a moment that from humanity1 generosity1 propriety1 and the good manner of thinking1 ,i imagined ,i had observed in her1 notwithstanding her bad one1 she would immediately subscribe to them4 ,my letter was as follows3 ,,hermitage #bc;d ,,nov41 #ageg4 ,were it possible to die of grief ,i should not now be alive4 ,but ,i have at length determined to triumph over everything4 ,friendship1 madam1 is extinguished between us1 but that which no longer exists still has its rights1 and ,i respect them4 ,i have not forgotten your goodness to me1 and you may1 on my part1 expect as much gratitude as it is possible to have towards a person ,i no longer can love4 ,all further explanation would be useless4 ,i have in my favor my own conscience1 and ,i return you your letter4 ,i wished to quit the ,hermitage1 and ,i ought to have done it4 ,my friends pretend ,i must stay there until spring2 and since my friends desire it ,i will remain there until that season if you will consent to my stay4 ,after writing and despatching this letter all ,i thought of was remaining quiet at the ,hermitage and taking care of my health2 of endeavoring to recover my strength1 and taking measures to remove in the spring without noise or making the rupture public4 ,but these were not the intentions either of ,grimm or ,madam d',epinay1 as it will presently appear4 ,a few days afterwards1 ,i had the pleasure of receiving from ,diderot the visit he had so frequently promised1 and in which he had as constantly failed4 ,he could not have come more opportunely2 he was my oldest friend3 almost the only one who remained to me2 the pleasure ,i felt in seeing him1 as things were circumstanced1 may easily be imagined4 ,my heart was full1 and ,i disclosed it to him4 ,i explained to him several facts which either had not come to his knowledge1 or had been disguised or suppressed4 ,i informed him1 as far as ,i could do it with propriety1 of all that had passed4 ,i did not affect to conceal from him that with which he was but too well acquainted1 that a passion equally unreasonable and unfortunate1 had been the cause of my destruction2 but ,i never acknowledged that ,madam d',houdetot had been made acquainted with it1 or at least that ,i had declared it to her4 ,i mentioned to him the unworthy manoeuvres of ,madam d',epinay to intercept the innocent letters her sister-in-law wrote to me4 ,i was determined he should hear the particulars from the mouth of the persons whom she had attempted to seduce4 ,theresa related them with great precision2 but what was my astonishment when the mother came to speak1 and ,i heard her declare and maintain that nothing of this had come to her knowledge8 ,these were her words from which she would never depart4 ,not four days before she herself had recited to me all the particulars ,theresa had just stated1 and in presence of my friend she contradicted me to my face4 ,this1 to me1 was decisive1 and ,i then clearly saw my imprudence in having so long a time kept such a woman near me4 ,i made no use of invective2 ,i scarcely deigned to speak to her a few words of contempt4 ,i felt what ,i owed to the daughter1 whose steadfast uprightness was a perfect contrast to the base monoeuvres of the mother4 ,but from the instant my resolution was taken relative to the old woman1 and ,i waited for nothing but the moment to put it into execution4 ,this presented itself sooner than ,i expected4 ,on the #ajth of ,december ,i received from ,madam d',epinay the following answer to my preceding letter3 ,,geneva1 #ast ,december1 #ageg4 ,after having for several years given you every possible mark of friendship all ,i can now do is to pity you4 ,you are very unhappy4 ,i wish your conscience may be as calm as mine4 ,this may be necessary to the repose of your whole life4 ,since you are determined to quit the ,hermitage1 and are persuaded that you ought to do it1 ,i am astonished your friends have prevailed upon you to stay there4 ,for my part ,i never consult mine upon my duty1 and ,i have nothing further to say to you upon your own4 ,such an unforeseen dismission1 and so fully pronounced1 left me not a moment to hesitate4 ,it was necessary to quit immediately1 let the weather and my health be in what state they might1 although ,i were to sleep in the woods and upon the snow1 with which the ground was then covered1 and in defiance of everything ,madam d',houdetot might say2 for ,i was willing to do everything to please her except render myself infamous4 ,i never had been so embarrassed in my whole life as ,i then was2 but my resolution was taken4 ,i swore1 let what would happen1 not to sleep at the ,hermitage on the night of that day week4 ,i began to prepare for sending away my effects1 resolving to leave them in the open field rather than not give up the key in the course of the week3 for ,i was determined everything should be done before a letter could be written to ,geneva1 and an answer to it received4 ,i never felt myself so inspired with courage3 ,i had recovered all my strength4 ,honor and indignation1 upon which ,madam d',epinay had not calculated1 contributed to restore me to vigor4 ,fortune aided my audacity4 ,m4 ,mathas1 fiscal procurer1 heard of my embarrassment4 ,he sent to offer me a little house he had in his garden of ,mont ,louis1 at ,montmorency4 ,i accepted it with eagerness and gratitude4 ,the bargain was soon concluded3 ,i immediately sent to purchase a little furniture to add to that we already had4 ,my effects ,i had carted away with a deal of trouble1 and a great expense3 notwithstanding the ice and snow my removal was completed in a couple of days1 and on the fifteenth of ,december ,i gave up the keys of the ,hermitage1 after having paid the wages of the gardener1 not being able to pay my rent4 ,with respect to ,madam le ,vasseur1 ,i told her we must part2 her daughter attempted to make me renounce my resolution1 but ,i was inflexible4 ,i sent her off1 to ,paris in a carriage of the messenger with all the furniture and effects she and her daughter had in common4 ,i gave her some money1 and engaged to pay her lodging with her children1 or elsewhere to provide for her subsistence as much as it should be possible for me to do it1 and never to let her want bread as long as ,i should have it myself4 ,finally the day after my arrival at ,mont ,louis1 ,i wrote to ,madam d',epinay the following letter3 ,,montmorency1 #agth ,december #ageg4 ,nothing1 madam1 is so natural and necessary as to leave your house the moment you no longer approve of my remaining there4 ,upon you refusing your consent to my passing the rest of the winter at the ,hermitage ,i quitted it on the fifteenth of ,december4 ,my destiny was to enter it in spite of myself and to leave it the same4 ,i thank you for the residence you prevailed upon me to make there1 and ,i would thank you still more had ,i paid for it less dear4 ,you are right in believing me unhappy2 nobody upon earth knows better than yourself to what a degree ,i must be so4 ,if being deceived in the choice of our friends be a misfortune1 it is another not less cruel to recover from so pleasing an error4 ,such is the faithful narrative of my residence at the ,hermitage1 and of the reasons which obliged me to leave it4 ,i could not break off the recital1 it was necessary to continue it with the greatest exactness2 this epoch of my life having had upon the rest of it an influence which will extend to my latest remembrance4 ,,book ,x4 ,illustration3 #jaef ,the extraordinary degree of strength a momentary effervescence had given me to quit the ,hermitage1 left me the moment ,i was out of it4 ,i was scarcely established in my new habitation before ,i frequently suffered from retentions1 which were accompanied by a new complaint2 that of a rupture1 from which ,i had for some time1 without knowing what it was1 felt great inconvenience4 ,i soon was reduced to the most cruel state4 ,the physician ,thieiry1 my old friend1 came to see me1 and made me acquainted with my situation4 ,the sight of all the apparatus of the infirmities of years1 made me severely feel that when the body is no longer young1 the heart is not so with impunity4 ,the fine season did not restore me1 and ,i passed the whole year1 #ageh1 in a state of languor1 which made me think ,i was almost at the end of my career4 ,i saw1 with impatience1 the closing scene approach4 ,recovered from the chimeras of friendship1 and detached from everything which had rendered life desirable to me1 ,i saw nothing more in it that could make it agreeable2 all ,i perceived was wretchedness and misery1 which prevented me from enjoying myself4 ,i sighed after the moment when ,i was to be free and escape from my enemies4 ,but ,i must follow the order of events4 ,my retreat to ,montmorency seemed to disconcert ,madam d',epinay2 probably she did not expect it4 ,my melancholy situation1 the severity of the season1 the general dereliction of me by my friends1 all made her and ,grimm believe1 that by driving me to the last extremity1 they should oblige me to implore mercy1 and thus1 by vile meanness1 render myself contemptible1 to be suffered to remain in an asylum which honor commanded me to leave4 ,i left it so suddenly that they had not time to prevent the step from being taken1 and they were reduced to the alternative of double or quit1 to endeavor to ruin me entirely1 or to prevail upon me to return4 ,grimm chose the former2 but ,i am of opinion ,madam d',epinay would have preferred the latter1 and this from her answer to my last letter1 in which she seemed to have laid aside the airs she had given herself in the preceding ones1 and to give an opening to an accommodation4 ,the long delay of this answer1 for which she made me wait a whole month1 sufficiently indicates the difficulty she found in giving it a proper turn1 and the deliberations by which it was preceded4 ,she could not make any further advances without exposing herself2 but after her former letters1 and my sudden retreat from her house1 it is impossible not to be struck with the care she takes in this letter not to suffer an offensive expression to escape her4 ,i will copy it at length to enable my reader to judge of what she wrote3 ,,geneva1 ,january #ag1 #ageh4 ,,sir3 ,i did not receive your letter of the #agth of ,december until yesterday4 ,it was sent me in a box filled with different things1 and which has been all this time upon the road4 ,i shall answer only the postscript4 ,you may recollect1 sir1 that we agreed the wages of the gardener of the ,hermitage should pass through your hands1 the better to make him feel that he depended upon you1 and to avoid the ridiculous and indecent scenes which happened in the time of his predecessor4 ,as a proof of this1 the first quarter of his wages were given to you1 and a few days before my departure we agreed ,i should reimburse you what you had advanced4 ,i know that of this you1 at first1 made some difficulty2 but ,i had desired you to make these advances2 it was natural ,i should acquit myself towards you1 and this we concluded upon4 ,cahouet informs me that you refused to receive the money4 ,there is certainly some mistake in the matter4 ,i have given orders that it may again be offered to you1 and ,i see no reason for your wishing to pay my gardener1 notwithstanding our conventions1 and beyond the term even of your inhabiting the ,hermitage4 ,i therefore expect1 sir1 that recollecting everything ,i have the honor to state1 you will not refuse to be reimbursed for the sums you have been pleased to advance for me4 ,after what had passed1 not having the least confidence in ,madam d' ,epinay1 ,i was unwilling to renew my connection with her2 ,i returned no answer to this letter1 and there our correspondence ended4 ,perceiving ,i had taken my resolution1 she took hers2 and1 entering into all the views of ,grimm and the ,coterie ,holbachique1 she united her efforts with theirs to accomplish my destruction4 ,whilst they manoevured at ,paris1 she did the same at ,geneva4 ,grimm1 who afterwards went to her there1 completed what she had begun4 ,tronchin1 whom they had no difficulty in gaining over1 seconded them powerfully1 and became the most violent of my persecutors1 without having against me1 any more than ,grimm had1 the least subject of complaint4 ,they all three spread in silence that of which the effects were seen there four years afterwards4 ,they had more trouble at ,paris1 where ,i was better known to the citizens1 whose hearts1 less disposed to hatred1 less easily received its impressions4 ,the better to direct their blow1 they began by giving out that it was ,i who had left them4 ,thence1 still feigning to be my friends1 they dexterously spread their malignant accusations by complaining of the injustice of their friend4 ,their auditors1 thus thrown off their guard1 listened more attentively to what was said of me1 and were inclined to blame my conduct4 ,the secret accusations of perfidy and ingratitude were made with greater precaution1 and by that means with greater effect4 ,i knew they imputed to me the most atrocious crimes without being able to learn in what these consisted4 ,all ,i could infer from public rumor was that this was founded upon the four following capital offences3 my retiring to the country2 my passion for ,madam d',houdetot2 my refusing to accompany ,madam d',epinay to ,geneva1 and my leaving the ,hermitage4 ,if to these they added other griefs1 they took their measures so well that it has hitherto been impossible for me to learn the subject of them4 ,it is therefore at this period that ,i think ,i may fix the establishment of a system1 since adopted by those by whom my fate has been determined1 and which has made such a progress as will seem miraculous to persons who know not with what facility everything which favors the malignity of man is established4 ,i will endeavor to explain in a few words what to me appeared visible in this profound and obscure system4 ,with a name already distinguished and known throughout all ,europe1 ,i had still preserved my primitive simplicity4 ,my mortal aversion to all party faction and cabal had kept me free and independent1 without any other chain than the attachments of my heart4 ,alone1 a stranger1 without family or fortune1 and unconnected with everything except my principles and duties1 ,i intrepidly followed the paths of uprightness1 never flattering or favoring any person at the expense of truth and justice4 ,besides1 having lived for two years past in solitude1 without observing the course of events1 ,i was unconnected with the affairs of the world1 and not informed of what passed1 nor desirous of being acquainted with it4 ,i lived four leagues from ,paris as much separated from that capital by my negligence as ,i should have been in the ,island of ,tinian by the sea4 ,grimm1 ,diderot and ,d',holbach were1 on the contrary1 in the centre of the vortex1 lived in the great world1 and divided amongst them almost all the spheres of it4 ,the great wits1 men of letters1 men of long robe1 and women1 all listened to them when they chose to act in concert4 ,the advantage three men in this situation united must have over a fourth in mine1 cannot but already appear4 ,it is true ,diderot and ,d',holbach were incapable1 at least ,i think so1 of forming black conspiracies2 one of them was not base enough1 nor the other sufficiently able2 but it was for this reason that the party was more united4 ,grimm alone formed his plan in his own mind1 and discovered more of it than was necessary to induce his associates to concur in the execution4 ,the ascendency he had gained over them made this quite easy1 and the effect of the whole answered to the superiority of his talents4 ,it was with these1 which were of a superior kind1 that1 perceiving the advantage he might acquire from our respective situations1 he conceived the project of overturning my reputation1 and1 without exposing himself1 of giving me one of a nature quite opposite1 by raising up about me an edifice of obscurity which it was impossible for me to penetrate1 and by that means throw a light upon his manoevures and unmask him4 ,this enterprise was difficult1 because it was necessary to palliate the iniquity in the eyes of those of whose assistance he stood in need4 ,he had honest men to deceive1 to alienate from me the good opinion of everybody1 and to deprive me of all my friends4 ,what say ,i8 ,he had to cut off all communication with me1 that not a single word of truth might reach my ears4 ,had a single man of generosity come and said to me1 ,you assume the appearance of virtue1 yet this is the manner in which you are treated1 and these the circumstances by which you are judged3 what have you to say8 truth would have triumphed and ,grimm have been undone4 ,of this he was fully convinced2 but he had examined his own heart and estimated men according to their merit4 ,i am sorry1 for the honor of humanity1 that he judged with so much truth4 ,in these dark and crooked paths his steps to be the more sure were necessarily slow4 ,he has for twelve years pursued his plan and the most difficult part of the execution of it is still to come2 this is to deceive the public entirely4 ,he is afraid of this public1 and dares not lay his conspiracy open4 ,since this was written he has made the dangerous step with the fullest and most inconceivable success4 ,i am of opinion it was ,tronchin who inspired him with courage1 and supplied him with the means4 ,but he has found the easy means of accompanying it with power1 and this power has the disposal of me4 ,thus supported he advances with less danger4 ,the agents of power piquing themselves but little on uprightness1 and still less on candor1 he has no longer the indiscretion of an honest man to fear4 ,his safety is in my being enveloped in an impenetrable obscurity1 and in concealing from me his conspiracy1 well knowing that with whatever art he may have formed it1 ,i could by a single glance of the eye discover the whole4 ,his great address consists in appearing to favor whilst he defames me1 and in giving to his perfidy an air of generosity4 ,i felt the first effects of this system by the secret accusations of the ,coterie ,holbachique without its being possible for me to know in what the accusations consisted1 or to form a probable conjecture as to the nature of them4 ,de ,leyre informed me in his letters that heinous things were attributed to me4 ,diderot more mysteriously told me the same thing1 and when ,i came to an explanation with both1 the whole was reduced to the heads of accusation of which ,i have already spoken4 ,i perceived a gradual increase of coolness in the letters from ,madam d',houdetot4 ,this ,i could not attribute to ,saint ,lambert2 he continued to write to me with the same friendship1 and came to see me after his return4 ,it was also impossible to think myself the cause of it1 as we had separated well satisfied with each other1 and nothing since that time had happened on my part1 except my departure from the ,hermitage1 of which she felt the necessity4 ,therefore1 not knowing whence this coolness1 which she refused to acknowledge1 although my heart was not to be deceived1 could proceed1 ,i was uneasy upon every account4 ,i knew she greatly favored her sister-in-law and ,grimm1 in consequence of their connections with ,saint ,lambert2 and ,i was afraid of their machinations4 ,this agitation opened my wounds1 and rendered my correspondence so disagreeable as quite to disgust her with it4 ,i saw1 as at a distance1 a thousand cruel circumstances1 without discovering anything distinctly4 ,i was in a situation the most insupportable to a man whose imagination is easily heated4 ,had ,i been quite retired from the world1 and known nothing of the matter ,i should have become more calm2 but my heart still clung to attachments1 by means of which my enemies had great advantages over me2 and the feeble rays which penetrated my asylum conveyed to me nothing more than a knowledge of the blackness of the mysteries which were concealed from my eyes4 ,i should have sunk1 ,i have not a doubt of it1 under these torments1 too cruel and insupportable to my open disposition1 which1 by the impossibility of concealing my sentiments1 makes me fear everything from those concealed from me1 if fortunately objects sufficiently interesting to my heart to divert it from others with which1 in spite of myself1 my imagination was filled1 had not presented themselves4 ,in the last visit ,diderot paid me1 at the ,hermitage1 he had spoken of the article ',geneva'1 which ,d',alembert had inserted in the ',encyclopedie'2 he had informed me that this article1 concerted with people of the first consideration1 had for object the establishment of a theatre at ,geneva1 that measures had been taken accordingly1 and that the establishment would soon take place4 ,as ,diderot seemed to think all this very proper1 and did not doubt of the success of the measure1 and as ,i had besides to speak to him upon too many other subjects to touch upon that article1 ,i made him no answer3 but scandalized at these preparatives to corruption and licentiousness in my country1 ,i waited with impatience for the volume of the ',encyclopedie'1 in which the article was inserted2 to see whether or not it would be possible to give an answer which might ward off the blow4 ,i received the volume soon after my establishment at ,mont ,louis1 and found the articles to be written with much art and address1 and worthy of the pen whence it proceeded4 ,this1 however1 did not abate my desire to answer it1 and notwithstanding the dejection of spirits ,i then labored under1 my griefs and pains1 the severity of the season1 and the inconvenience of my new abode1 in which ,i had not yet had time to arrange myself1 ,i set to work with a zeal which surmounted every obstacle4 ,in a severe winter1 in the month of ,february1 and in the situation ,i have described1 ,i went every day1 morning and evening1 to pass a couple of hours in an open alcove which was at the bottom of the garden in which my habitation stood4 ,this alcove1 which terminated an alley of a terrace1 looked upon the valley and the pond of ,montmorency1 and presented to me1 as the closing point of a prospect1 the plain but respectable castle of ,st4 ,gratien1 the retreat of the virtuous ,catinat4 ,it was in this place1 then1 exposed to freezing cold1 that without being sheltered from the wind and snow1 and having no other fire than that in my heart2 ,i composed1 in the space of three weeks1 my letter to ,d',alembert on theatres4 ,it was in this1 for my ',eloisa' was not then half written1 that ,i found charms in philosophical labor4 ,until then virtuous indignation had been a substitute to ,apollo1 tenderness and a gentleness of mind now became so4 ,the injustice ,i had been witness to had irritated me1 that of which ,i became the object rendered me melancholy2 and this melancholy without bitterness was that of a heart too tender and affectionate1 and which1 deceived by those in whom it had confided1 was obliged to remain concentred4 ,full of that which had befallen me1 and still affected by so many violent emotions1 my heart added the sentiment of its sufferings to the ideas with which a meditation on my subject had inspired me2 what ,i wrote bore evident marks of this mixture4 ,without perceiving it ,i described the situation ,i was then in1 gave portraits of ,grimm1 ,madam d',epinay1 ,madam d' ,houdetot1 ,saint ,lambert and myself4 ,what delicious tears did ,i shed as ,i wrote6 ,alas6 in these descriptions there are proofs but too evident that love1 the fatal love of which ,i made such efforts to cure myself1 still remained in my heart4 ,with all this there was a certain sentiment of tenderness relative to myself2 ,i thought ,i was dying1 and imagined ,i bid the public my last adieu4 ,far from fearing death1 ,i joyfully saw it approach2 but ,i felt some regret at leaving my fellow creatures without their having perceived my real merit1 and being convinced how much ,i should have deserved their esteem had they known me better4 ,these are the secret causes of the singular manner in which this work1 opposite to that of the work by which it was preceded1 is written4--,discours sur l',inegalite4 ,discourse on the ,inequality of ,mankind4 ,i corrected and copied the letter1 and was preparing to print it when1 after a long silence1 ,i received one from ,madam d',houdetot1 which brought upon me a new affliction more painful than any ,i had yet suffered4 ,she informed me that my passion for her was known to all ,paris1 that ,i had spoken of it to persons who had made it public1 that this rumor1 having reached the ears of her lover1 had nearly cost him his life2 yet he did her justice1 and peace was restored between them2 but on his account1 as well as on hers1 and for the sake of her reputation1 she thought it her duty to break off all correspondence with me1 at the same time assuring me that she and her friend were both interested in my welfare1 that they would defend me to the public1 and that she herself would1 from time to time1 send to inquire after my health4 ,and thou also1 ,diderot1 exclaimed ,i1 unworthy friend6 ,i could not1 however1 yet resolve to condemn him4 ,my weakness was known to others who might have spoken of it4 ,i wished to doubt1 but this was soon out of my power4 ,saint ,lambert shortly after performed an action worthy of himself4 ,knowing my manner of thinking1 he judged of the state in which ,i must be2 betrayed by one part of my friends and forsaken by the other4 ,he came to see me4 ,the first time he had not many moments to spare4 ,he came again4 ,unfortunately1 not expecting him1 ,i was not at home4 ,theresa had with him a conversation of upwards of two hours1 in which they informed each other of facts of great importance to us all4 ,the surprise with which ,i learned that nobody doubted of my having lived with ,madam d',epinay1 as ,grimm then did1 cannot be equalled1 except by that of ,saint ,lambert1 when he was convinced that the rumor was false4 ,he1 to the great dissatisfaction of the lady1 was in the same situation with myself1 and the eclaircissements resulting from the conversation removed from me all regret1 on account of my having broken with her forever4 ,relative to ,madam d',houdetot1 he mentioned several circumstances with which neither ,theresa nor ,madam d',houdetot herself were acquainted2 these were known to me only in the first instance1 and ,i had never mentioned them except to ,diderot1 under the seal of friendship2 and it was to ,saint ,lambert himself to whom he had chosen to communicate them4 ,this last step was sufficient to determine me4 ,i resolved to break with ,diderot forever1 and this without further deliberation1 except on the manner of doing it2 for ,i had perceived secret ruptures turned to my prejudice1 because they left the mask of friendship in possession of my most cruel enemies4 ,the rules of good breeding1 established in the world on this head1 seem to have been dictated by a spirit of treachery and falsehood4 ,to appear the friend of a man when in reality we are no longer so1 is to reserve to ourselves the means of doing him an injury by surprising honest men into an error4 ,i recollected that when the illustrious ,montesquieu broke with ,father de ,tournemine1 he immediately said to everybody3 ,listen neither to ,father ,tournemine nor myself1 when we speak of each other1 for we are no longer friends4 ,this open and generous proceeding was universally applauded4 ,i resolved to follow the example with ,diderot2 but what method was ,i to take to publish the rupture authentically from my retreat1 and yet without scandal8 ,i concluded on inserting in the form of a note1 in my work1 a passage from the book of ,ecclesiasticus1 which declared the rupture and even the subject of it1 in terms sufficiently clear to such as were acquainted with the previous circumstances1 but could signify nothing to the rest of the world4 ,i determined not to speak in my work of the friend whom ,i renounced1 except with the honor always due to extinguished friendship4 ,the whole may be seen in the work itself4 ,there is nothing in this world but time and misfortune1 and every act of courage seems to be a crime in adversity4 ,for that which has been admired in ,montesquieu1 ,i received only blame and reproach4 ,as soon as my work was printed1 and ,i had copies of it1 ,i sent one to ,saint ,lambert1 who1 the evening before1 had written to me in his own name and that of ,madam d' ,houdetot1 a note expressive of the most tender friendship4 ,the following is the letter he wrote to me when he returned the copy ,i had sent him4 ,,eaubonne1 #ajth ,october1 #ageh4 ,indeed1 sir1 ,i cannot accept the present you have just made me4 ,in that part of your preface where1 relative to ,diderot1 you quote a passage from ,ecclesiastes 7he mistakes1 it is from ,ecclesiasticus7 the book dropped from my hand4 ,in the conversations we had together in the summer1 you seemed to be persuaded ,diderot was not guilty of the pretended indiscretions you had imputed to him4 ,you may1 for aught ,i know to the contrary1 have reason to complain of him1 but this does not give you a right to insult him publicly4 ,you are not unacquainted with the nature of the persecutions he suffers1 and you join the voice of an old friend to that of envy4 ,i cannot refrain from telling you1 sir1 how much this heinous act of yours has shocked me4 ,i am not acquainted with ,diderot1 but ,i honor him1 and ,i have a lively sense of the pain you give to a man1 whom1 at least not in my hearing1 you have never reproached with anything more than a trifling weakness4 ,you and ,i1 sir1 differ too much in our principles ever to be agreeable to each other4 ,forget that ,i exist2 this you will easily do4 ,i have never done to men either good or evil of a nature to be long remembered4 ,i promise you1 sir1 to forget your person and to remember nothing relative to you but your talents4 ,this letter filled me with indignation and affliction2 and1 in the excess of my pangs1 feeling my pride wounded1 ,i answered him by the following note3 ,,montmorency1 #aath ,october1 #ageh4 ,,sir3 ,while reading your letter1 ,i did you the honor to be surprised at it1 and had the weakness to suffer it to affect me2 but ,i find it unworthy of an answer4 ,i will no longer continue the copies of ,madam d',houdetot4 ,if it be not agreeable to her to keep that she has1 she may send it me back and ,i will return her money4 ,if she keeps it1 she must still send for the rest of her paper and the money2 and at the same time ,i beg she will return me the prospectus which she has in her possession4 ,adieu1 sir4 ,courage under misfortune irritates the hearts of cowards1 but it is pleasing to generous minds4 ,this note seemed to make ,saint ,lambert reflect with himself and to regret his having been so violent2 but too haughty in his turn to make open advances1 he seized and perhaps prepared1 the opportunity of palliating what he had done4 ,a fortnight afterwards ,i received from ,madam d',epinay the following letter3 ,thursday1 #bfth4 ,,sir3 ,i received the book you had the goodness to send me1 and which ,i have read with much pleasure4 ,i have always experienced the same sentiment in reading all the works which have come from your pen4 ,receive my thanks for the whole4 ,i should have returned you these in person had my affairs permitted me to remain any time in your neighborhood2 but ,i was not this year long at the ,chevrette4 ,m4 and ,madam ,dupin come there on ,sunday to dinner4 ,i expect ,m4 de ,saint ,lambert1 ,m4 de ,francueil1 and ,madam d',houdetot will be of the party2 you will do me much pleasure by making one also4 ,all the persons who are to dine with me1 desire1 and will1 as well as myself1 be delighted to pass with you a part of the day4 ,i have the honor to be with the most perfect consideration1 etc4 ,this letter made my heart beat violently2 after having for a year past been the subject of conversation of all ,paris1 the idea of presenting myself as a spectacle before ,madam d',houdetot1 made me tremble1 and ,i had much difficulty to find sufficient courage to support that ceremony4 ,yet as she and ,saint ,lambert were desirous of it1 and ,madam d',epinay spoke in the name of her guests without naming one whom ,i should not be glad to see1 ,i did not think ,i should expose myself accepting a dinner to which ,i was in some degree invited by all the persons who with myself were to partake of it4 ,i therefore promised to go3 on ,sunday the weather was bad1 and ,madam ,d',epinay sent me her carriage4 ,my arrival caused a sensation4 ,i never met a better reception4 ,an observer would have thought the whole company felt how much ,i stood in need of encouragement4 ,none but ,french hearts are susceptible of this kind of delicacy4 ,however1 ,i found more people than ,i expected to see4 ,amongst others the ,comte d' ,houdetot1 whom ,i did not know1 and his sister ,madam de ,blainville1 without whose company ,i should have been as well pleased4 ,she had the year before came several times to ,eaubonne1 and her sister-in-law had left her in our solitary walks to wait until she thought proper to suffer her to join us4 ,she had harbored a resentment against me1 which during this dinner she gratified at her ease4 ,the presence of the ,comte d' ,houdetot and ,saint ,lambert did not give me the laugh on my side1 and it may be judged that a man embarrassed in the most common conversations was not very brilliant in that which then took place4 ,i never suffered so much1 appeared so awkward1 or received more unexpected mortifications4 ,as soon as we had risen from table1 ,i withdrew from that wicked woman2 ,i had the pleasure of seeing ,saint ,lambert and ,madam d',houdetot approach me1 and we conversed together a part of the afternoon1 upon things very indifferent it is true1 but with the same familiarity as before my involuntary error4 ,this friendly attention was not lost upon my heart1 and could ,saint ,lambert have read what passed there1 he certainly would have been satisfied with it4 ,i can safely assert that although on my arrival the presence of ,madam d',houdetot gave me the most violent palpitations1 on returning from the house ,i scarcely thought of her2 my mind was entirely taken up with ,saint ,lambert4 ,notwithstanding the malignant sarcasms of ,madam de ,blainville1 the dinner was of great service to me1 and ,i congratulated myself upon not having refused the invitation4 ,i not only discovered that the intrigues of ,grimm and the ,holbachiens had not deprived me of my old acquaintance1 but1 what flattered me still more1 that ,madam d',houdetot and ,saint ,lambert were less changed than ,i had imagined1 and ,i at length understood that his keeping her at a distance from me proceeded more from jealousy than from disesteem4 ,such in the simplicity of my heart was my opinion when ,i wrote these confessions4 ,this was a consolation to me1 and calmed my mind4 ,certain of not being an object of contempt in the eyes of persons whom ,i esteemed1 ,i worked upon my own heart with greater courage and success4 ,if ,i did not quite extinguish in it a guilty and an unhappy passion1 ,i at least so well regulated the remains of it that they have never since that moment led me into the most trifling error4 ,the copies of ,madam d' ,houdetot1 which she prevailed upon me to take again1 and my works1 which ,i continued to send her as soon as they appeared1 produced me from her a few notes and messages1 indifferent but obliging4 ,she did still more1 as will hereafter appear1 and the reciprocal conduct of her lover and myself1 after our intercourse had ceased1 may serve as an example of the manner in which persons of honor separate when it is no longer agreeable to them to associate with each other4 ,another advantage this dinner procured me was its being spoken of in ,paris1 where it served as a refutation of the rumor spread by my enemies1 that ,i had quarrelled with every person who partook of it1 and especially with ,m4 d',epinay4 ,when ,i left the ,hermitage ,i had written him a very polite letter of thanks1 to which he answered not less politely1 and mutual civilities had continued1 as well between us as between me and ,m4 de la ,lalive1 his brother-in-law1 who even came to see me at ,montmorency1 and sent me some of his engravings4 ,excepting the two sisters-in-law of ,madam d',houdetot1 ,i have never been on bad terms with any person of the family4 ,my letter to ,d',alembert had great success4 ,all my works had been very well received1 but this was more favorable to me4 ,it taught the public to guard against the insinuations of the ,coterie ,holbachique4 ,when ,i went to the ,hermitage1 this ,coterie predicted with its usual sufficiency1 that ,i should not remain there three months4 ,when ,i had stayed there twenty months1 and was obliged to leave it1 ,i still fixed my residence in the country4 ,the ,coterie insisted this was from a motive of pure obstinacy1 and that ,i was weary even to death of my retirement2 but that1 eaten up with pride1 ,i chose rather to become a victim of my stubbornness than to recover from it and return to ,paris4 ,the letter to ,d',alembert breathed a gentleness of mind which every one perceived not to be affected4 ,had ,i been dissatisfied with my retreat1 my style and manner would have borne evident marks of my ill-humor4 ,this reigned in all the works ,i had written in ,paris2 but in the first ,i wrote in the country not the least appearance of it was to be found4 ,to persons who knew how to distinguish1 this remark was decisive4 ,they perceived ,i was returned to my element4 ,yet the same work1 notwithstanding all the mildness it breathed1 made me by a mistake of my own and my usual ill-luck1 another enemy amongst men of letters4 ,i had become acquainted with ,marmontel at the house of ,m4 de la ,popliniere1 and his acquaintance had been continued at that of the baron4 ,marmontel at that time wrote the ',mercure de ,france'4 ,as ,i had too much pride to send my works to the authors of periodical publications1 and wishing to send him this without his imagining it was in consequence of that title1 or being desirous he should speak of it in the ,mercure1 ,i wrote upon the book that it was not for the author of the ,mercure1 but for ,m4 ,marmontel4 ,i thought ,i paid him a fine compliment2 he mistook it for a cruel offence1 and became my irreconcilable enemy4 ,he wrote against the letter with politeness1 it is true1 but with a bitterness easily perceptible1 and since that time has never lost an opportunity of injuring me in society1 and of indirectly ill-treating me in his works4 ,such difficulty is there in managing the irritable self-love of men of letters1 and so careful ought every person to be not to leave anything equivocal in the compliments they pay them4 ,having nothing more to disturb me1 ,i took advantage of my leisure and independence to continue my literary pursuits with more coherence4 ,i this winter finished my ,eloisa1 and sent it to ,rey1 who had it printed the year following4 ,i was1 however1 interrupted in my projects by a circumstance sufficiently disagreeable4 ,i heard new preparations were making at the opera-house to give the ',devin du ,village'4 ,enraged at seeing these people arrogantly dispose of my property1 ,i again took up the memoir ,i had sent to ,m4 ,d',argenson1 to which no answer had been returned1 and having made some trifling alterations in it1 ,i sent the manuscript by ,m4 ,sellon1 resident from ,geneva1 and a letter with which he was pleased to charge himself1 to the ,comte de ,st4 ,florentin1 who had succeeded ,m4 ,d',argenson in the opera department4 ,duclos1 to whom ,i communicated what ,i had done1 mentioned it to the 'petits violons'1 who offered to restore me1 not my opera1 but my freedom of the theatre1 which ,i was no longer in a situation to enjoy4 ,perceiving ,i had not from any quarter the least justice to expect1 ,i gave up the affair2 and the directors of the opera1 without either answering or listening to my reasons1 have continued to dispose as of their own property1 and to turn to their profit1 the ,devin du ,village1 which incontestably belongs to nobody but myself4 ,since ,i had shaken off the yoke of my tyrants1 ,i led a life sufficiently agreeable and peaceful2 deprived of the charm of too strong attachments ,i was delivered from the weight of their chains4 ,disgusted with the friends who pretended to be my protectors1 and wished absolutely to dispose of me at will1 and in spite of myself1 to subject me to their pretended good services1 ,i resolved in future to have no other connections than those of simple benevolence4 ,these1 without the least constraint upon liberty1 constitute the pleasure of society1 of which equality is the basis4 ,i had of them as many as were necessary to enable me to taste of the charm of liberty without being subject to the dependence of it2 and as soon as ,i had made an experiment of this manner of life1 ,i felt it was the most proper to my age1 to end my days in peace1 far removed from the agitations1 quarrels and cavillings in which ,i had just been half submerged4 ,during my residence at the ,hermitage1 and after my settlement at ,montmorency1 ,i had made in the neighborhood some agreeable acquaintance1 and which did not subject me to any inconvenience4 ,the principal of these was young ,loyseau de ,mauleon1 who1 then beginning to plead at the bar1 did not yet know what rank he would one day hold there4 ,i for my part was not in the least doubt about the matter4 ,i soon pointed out to him the illustrious career in the midst of which he is now seen1 and predicted that1 if he laid down to himself rigid rules for the choice of causes1 and never became the defender of anything but virtue and justice1 his genius1 elevated by this sublime sentiment1 would be equal to that of the greatest orators4 ,he followed my advice1 and now feels the good effects of it4 ,his defence of ,m4 de ,portes is worthy of ,demosthenes4 ,he came every year within a quarter of a league of the ,hermitage to pass the vacation at ,st4 ,brice1 in the fief of ,mauleon1 belonging to his mother1 and where the great ,bossuet had formerly lodged4 ,this is a fief1 of which a like succession of proprietors would render nobility difficult to support4 ,i had also for a neighbor in the same village of ,st4 ,brice1 the bookseller ,guerin1 a man of wit1 learning1 of an amiable disposition1 and one of the first in his profession4 ,he brought me acquainted with ,jean ,neaulme1 bookseller of ,amsterdam1 his friend and correspondent1 who afterwards printed ,emilius4 ,i had another acquaintance still nearer than ,st4 ,brice1 this was ,m4 ,maltor1 vicar of ,groslay1 a man better adapted for the functions of a statesman and a minister1 than for those of the vicar of a village1 and to whom a diocese at least would have been given to govern if talents decided the disposal of places4 ,he had been secretary to the ,comte de ,luc1 and was formerly intimately acquainted with ,jean ,bapiste ,rousseau4 ,holding in as much esteem the memory of that illustrious exile1 as he held the villain who ruined him in horror2 he possessed curious anecdotes of both1 which ,segur had not inserted in the life1 still in manuscript1 of the former1 and he assured me that the ,comte de ,luc1 far from ever having had reason to complain of his conduct1 had until his last moment preserved for him the warmest friendship4 ,m4 ,maltor1 to whom ,m4 de ,vintimille gave this retreat after the death of his patron1 had formerly been employed in many affairs of which1 although far advanced in years1 he still preserved a distinct remembrance1 and reasoned upon them tolerably well4 ,his conversation1 equally amusing and instructive1 had nothing in it resembling that of a village pastor3 he joined the manners of a man of the world to the knowledge of one who passes his life in study4 ,he1 of all my permanent neighbors1 was the person whose society was the most agreeable to me4 ,i was also acquainted at ,montmorency with several fathers of the oratory1 and amongst others ,father ,berthier1 professor of natural philosophy2 to whom1 notwithstanding some little tincture of pedantry1 ,i become attached on account of a certain air of cordial good nature which ,i observed in him4 ,i had1 however1 some difficulty to reconcile this great simplicity with the desire and the art he had of everywhere thrusting himself into the company of the great1 as well as that of the women1 devotees1 and philosophers4 ,he knew how to accommodate himself to every one4 ,i was greatly pleased with the man1 and spoke of my satisfaction to all my other acquaintances4 ,apparently what ,i said of him came to his ear4 ,he one day thanked me for having thought him a good-natured man4 ,i observed something in his forced smile which1 in my eyes1 totally changed his physiognomy1 and which has since frequently occurred to my mind4 ,i cannot better compare this smile than to that of ,panurge purchasing the ,sheep of ,dindenaut4 ,our acquaintance had begun a little time after my arrival at the ,hermitage1 to which place he frequently came to see me4 ,i was already settled at ,montmorency when he left it to go and reside at ,paris4 ,he often saw ,madam le ,vasseur there4 ,one day1 when ,i least expected anything of the kind1 he wrote to me in behalf of that woman1 informing me that ,grimm offered to maintain her1 and to ask my permission to accept the offer4 ,this ,i understood consisted in a pension of three hundred livres1 and that ,madam le ,vasseur was to come and live at ,deuil1 between the ,chevrette and ,montmorency4 ,i will not say what impression the application made on me4 ,it would have been less surprising had ,grimm had ten thousand livres a year1 or any relation more easy to comprehend with that woman1 and had not such a crime been made of my taking her to the country1 where1 as if she had become younger1 he was now pleased to think of placing her4 ,i perceived the good old lady had no other reason for asking my permission1 which she might easily have done without1 but the fear of losing what ,i already gave her1 should ,i think ill of the step she took4 ,although this charity appeared to be very extraordinary1 it did not strike me so much then as afterwards4 ,but had ,i known even everything ,i have since discovered1 ,i should still as readily have given my consent as ,i did and was obliged to do1 unless ,i had exceeded the offer of ,m4 ,grimm4 ,father ,berthier afterwards cured me a little of my opinion of his good nature and cordiality1 with which ,i had so unthinkingly charged him4 ,this same ,father ,berthier was acquainted with two men1 who1 for what reason ,i know not1 were to become so with me2 there was but little similarity between their taste and mine4 ,they were the children of ,melchisedec1 of whom neither the country nor the family was known1 no more than1 in all probability1 the real name4 ,they were ,jansenists1 and passed for priests in disguise1 perhaps on account of their ridiculous manner of wearing long swords1 to which they appeared to have been fastened4 ,the prodigious mystery in all their proceedings gave them the appearance of the heads of a party1 and ,i never had the least doubt of their being the authors of the ',gazette ,ecclesiastique'4 ,the one1 tall1 smooth-tongued1 and sharping1 was named ,ferrand2 the other1 short1 squat1 a sneerer1 and punctilious1 was a ,m4 ,minard4 ,they called each other cousin4 ,they lodged at ,paris with ,d',alembert1 in the house of his nurse named ,madam ,rousseau1 and had taken at ,montmorency a little apartment to pass the summers there4 ,they did everything for themselves1 and had neither a servant nor runner2 each had his turn weekly to purchase provisions1 do the business of the kitchen1 and sweep the house4 ,they managed tolerably well1 and we sometimes ate with each other4 ,i know not for what reason they gave themselves any concern about me3 for my part1 my only motive for beginning an acquaintance with them was their playing at chess1 and to make a poor little party ,i suffered four hours' fatigue4 ,as they thrust themselves into all companies1 and wished to intermeddle in everything1 ,theresa called them the gossips1 and by this name they were long known at ,montmorency4 ,such1 with my host ,m4 ,mathas1 who was a good man1 were my principal country acquaintance4 ,i still had a sufficient number at ,paris to live there agreeably whenever ,i chose it1 out of the sphere of men of letters1 amongst whom ,duclos1 was the only friend ,i reckoned3 for ,de ,leyre was still too young1 and although1 after having been a witness to the manoeuvres of the philosophical tribe against me1 he had withdrawn from it1 at least ,i thought so1 ,i could not yet forget the facility with which he made himself the mouthpiece of all the people of that description4 ,in the first place ,i had my old and respectable friend ,roguin4 ,this was a good old-fashioned friend for whom ,i was not indebted to my writings but to myself1 and whom for that reason ,i have always preserved4 ,i had the good ,lenieps1 my countryman1 and his daughter1 then alive1 ,madam ,lambert4 ,i had a young ,genevese1 named ,coindet1 a good creature1 careful1 officious1 zealous1 who came to see me soon after ,i had gone to reside at the ,hermitage1 and1 without any other introducer than himself1 had made his way into my good graces4 ,he had a taste for drawing1 and was acquainted with artists4 ,he was of service to me relative to the engravings of the ,new ,eloisa2 he undertook the direction of the drawings and the plates1 and acquitted himself well of the commission4 ,i had free access to the house of ,m4 ,dupin1 which1 less brilliant than in the young days of ,madam ,dupin1 was still1 by the merit of the heads of the family1 and the choice of company which assembled there1 one of the best houses in ,paris4 ,as ,i had not preferred anybody to them1 and had separated myself from their society to live free and independent1 they had always received me in a friendly manner1 and ,i was always certain of being well received by ,madam ,dupin4 ,i might even have counted her amongst my country neighbors after her establishment at ,clichy1 to which place ,i sometimes went to pass a day or two1 and where ,i should have been more frequently had ,madam ,dupin and ,madam de ,chenonceaux been upon better terms4 ,but the difficulty of dividing my time in the same house between two women whose manner of thinking was unfavorable to each other1 made this disagreeable3 however ,i had the pleasure of seeing her more at my ease at ,deuil1 where1 at a trifling distance from me1 she had taken a small house1 and even at my own habitation1 where she often came to see me4 ,i had likewise for a friend ,madam de ,crequi1 who1 having become devout1 no longer received ,d',alembert1 ,marmontel1 nor a single man of letters1 except1 ,i believe the ,abbe ,trublet1 half a hypocrite1 of whom she was weary4 ,i1 whose acquaintance she had sought1 lost neither her good wishes nor intercourse4 ,she sent me young fat pullets from ,mons1 and her intention was to come and see me the year following had not a journey1 upon which ,madam de ,luxembourg determined1 prevented her4 ,i here owe her a place apart2 she will always hold a distinguished one in my remembrance4 ,in this list ,i should also place a man whom1 except ,roguin1 ,i ought to have mentioned as the first upon it2 my old friend and brother politician1 ,de ,carrio1 formerly titulary secretary to the embassy from ,spain to ,venice1 afterwards in ,sweden1 where he was charge des affaires1 and at length really secretary to the embassy from ,spain at ,paris4 ,he came and surprised me at ,montmorency when ,i least expected him4 ,he was decorated with the insignia of a ,spanish order1 the name of which ,i have forgotten1 with a fine cross in jewelry4 ,he had been obliged1 in his proofs of nobility1 to add a letter to his name1 and to bear that of the ,chevalier de ,carrion4 ,i found him still the same man1 possessing the same excellent heart1 and his mind daily improving1 and becoming more and more amiable4 ,we would have renewed our former intimacy had not ,coindet interposed according to custom1 taken advantage of the distance ,i was at from town to insinuate himself into my place1 and1 in my name1 into his confidence1 and supplant me by the excess of his zeal to render me services4 ,the remembrance of ,carrion makes me recollect one of my country neighbors1 of whom ,i should be inexcusable not to speak1 as ,i have to make confession of an unpardonable neglect of which ,i was guilty towards him3 this was the honest ,m4 le ,blond1 who had done me a service at ,venice1 and1 having made an excursion to ,france with his family1 had taken a house in the country1 at ,birche1 not far from ,montmorency4 ,when ,i wrote this1 full of my blind confidence1 ,i was far from suspecting the real motive and the effect of his journey to ,paris4 ,as soon as ,i heard he was my neighbor1 ,i1 in the joy of my heart1 and making it more a pleasure than a duty1 went to pay him a visit4 ,i set off upon this errand the next day4 ,i was met by people who were coming to see me1 and with whom ,i was obliged to return4 ,two days afterwards ,i set off again for the same purpose3 he had dined at ,paris with all his family4 ,a third time he was at home3 ,i heard the voice of women1 and saw1 at the door1 a coach which alarmed me4 ,i wished to see him1 at least for the first time1 quite at my ease1 that we might talk over what had passed during our former connection4 ,in fine1 ,i so often postponed my visit from day to day1 that the shame of discharging a like duty so late prevented me from doing it at all2 after having dared to wait so long1 ,i no longer dared to present myself4 ,this negligence1 at which ,m4 le ,blond could not but be justly offended1 gave1 relative to him1 the appearance of ingratitude to my indolence1 and yet ,i felt my heart so little culpable that1 had it been in my power to do ,m4 le ,blond the least service1 even unknown to himself1 ,i am certain he would not have found me idle4 ,but indolence1 negligence and delay in little duties to be fulfilled have been more prejudicial to me than great vices4 ,my greatest faults have been omissions3 ,i have seldom done what ,i ought not to have done1 and unfortunately it has still more rarely happened that ,i have done what ,i ought4 ,since ,i am now upon the subject of my ,venetian acquaintance1 ,i must not forget one which ,i still preserved for a considerable time after my intercourse with the rest had ceased4 ,this was ,m4 de ,joinville1 who continued after his return from ,genoa to show me much friendship4 ,he was fond of seeing me and of conversing with me upon the affairs of ,italy1 and the follies of ,m4 de ,montaigu1 of whom he of himself knew many anecdotes1 by means of his acquaintance in the office for foreign affairs in which he was much connected4 ,i had also the pleasure of seeing at my house my old comrade ,dupont who had purchased a place in the province of which he was1 and whose affairs had brought him to ,paris4 ,m4 de ,joinville became by degrees so desirous of seeing me1 that he in some measure laid me under constraint2 and1 although our places of residence were at a great distance from each other1 we had a friendly quarrel when ,i let a week pass without going to dine with him4 ,when he went to ,joinville he was always desirous of my accompanying him2 but having once been there to pass a week ,i had not the least desire to return4 ,m4 de ,joinville was certainly an honest man1 and even amiable in certain respects but his understanding was beneath mediocrity2 he was handsome1 rather fond of his person and tolerably fatiguing4 ,he had one of the most singular collections perhaps in the world1 to which he gave much of his attention and endeavored to acquire it that of his friends1 to whom it sometimes afforded less amusement than it did to himself4 ,this was a complete collection of songs of the court and ,paris for upwards of fifty years past1 in which many anecdotes were to be found that would have been sought for in vain elsewhere4 ,these are memoirs for the history of ,france1 which would scarcely be thought of in any other country4 ,one day1 whilst we were still upon the very best terms1 he received me so coldly and in a manner so different from that which was customary to him1 that after having given him an opportunity to explain1 and even having begged him to do it1 ,i left his house with a resolution1 in which ,i have persevered1 never to return to it again2 for ,i am seldom seen where ,i have been once ill received1 and in this case there was no ,diderot who pleaded for ,m4 de ,joinville4 ,i vainly endeavored to discover what ,i had done to offend him2 ,i could not recollect a circumstance at which he could possibly have taken offence4 ,i was certain of never having spoken of him or his in any other than in the most honorable manner2 for he had acquired my friendship1 and besides my having nothing but favorable things to say of him1 my most inviolable maxim has been that of never speaking but in an honorable manner of the houses ,i frequented4 ,at length1 by continually ruminating4 ,i formed the following conjecture3 the last time we had seen each other1 ,i had supped with him at the apartment of some girls of his acquaintance1 in company with two or three clerks in the office of foreign affairs1 very amiable men1 and who had neither the manner nor appearance of libertines2 and on my part1 ,i can assert that the whole evening passed in making melancholy reflections on the wretched fate of the creatures with whom we were4 ,i did not pay anything1 as ,m4 de ,joinville gave the supper1 nor did ,i make the girls the least present1 because ,i gave them not the opportunity ,i had done to the padoana of establishing a claim to the trifle ,i might have offered4 ,we all came away together1 cheerfully and upon very good terms4 ,without having made a second visit to the girls1 ,i went three or four days afterwards to dine with ,m4 de ,joinville1 whom ,i had not seen during that interval1 and who gave me the reception of which ,i have spoken4 ,unable to suppose any other cause for it than some misunderstanding relative to the supper1 and perceiving he had no inclination to explain1 ,i resolved to visit him no longer1 but ,i still continued to send him my works3 he frequently sent me his compliments1 and one evening1 meeting him in the green-room of the ,french theatre1 he obligingly reproached me with not having called to see him1 which1 however1 did not induce me to depart from my resolution4 ,therefore this affair had rather the appearance of a coolness than a rupture4 ,however1 not having heard of nor seen him since that time1 it would have been too late after an absence of several years1 to renew my acquaintance with him4 ,it is for this reason ,m4 de ,joinville is not named in my list1 although ,i had for a considerable time frequented his house4 ,i will not swell my catalogue with the names of many other persons with whom ,i was or had become less intimate1 although ,i sometimes saw them in the country1 either at my own house or that of some neighbor1 such for instance as the ,abbes de ,condillac and ,de ,malby1 ,,mm4 de ,mairan1 de ,lalive1 ,de ,boisgelou1 ,vatelet1 ,ancelet1 and others4 ,i will also pass lightly over that of ,m4 de ,margency1 gentleman in ordinary of the king1 an ancient member of the ',coterie ,holbachique'1 which he had quitted as well as myself1 and the old friend of ,madam d',epinay from whom he had separated as ,i had done2 ,i likewise consider that of ,m4 ,desmahis1 his friend1 the celebrated but short-lived author of the comedy of the ,impertinent1 of much the same importance4 ,the first was my neighbor in the country1 his estate at ,margency being near to ,montmorency4 ,we were old acquaintances1 but the neighborhood and a certain conformity of experience connected us still more4 ,the last died soon afterwards4 ,he had merit and even wit1 but he was in some degree the original of his comedy1 and a little of a coxcomb with women1 by whom he was not much regretted4 ,illustration3 #jagh ,i cannot1 however1 omit taking notice of a new correspondence ,i entered into at this period1 which has had too much influence over the rest of my life not to make it necessary for me to mark its origin4 ,the person in question is ,de ,lamoignon de ,malesherbes of the ',cour des aides'1 then censor of books1 which office he exercised with equal intelligence and mildness1 to the great satisfaction of men of letters4 ,i had not once been to see him at ,paris2 yet ,i had never received from him any other than the most obliging condescensions relative to the censorship1 and ,i knew that he had more than once very severely reprimanded persons who had written against me4 ,i had new proofs of his goodness upon the subject of the edition of ,eloisa4 ,the proofs of so great a work being very expensive from ,amsterdam by post1 he1 to whom all letters were free1 permitted these to be addressed to him1 and sent them to me under the countersign of the chancellor his father4 ,when the work was printed he did not permit the sale of it in the kingdom until1 contrary to my wishes1 an edition had been sold for my benefit4 ,as the profit of this would on my part have been a theft committed upon ,rey1 to whom ,i had sold the manuscript1 ,i not only refused to accept the present intended me1 without his consent1 which he very generously gave1 but persisted upon dividing with him the hundred pistoles 7a thousand livres--forty pounds71 the amount of it but of which he would not receive anything4 ,for these hundred pistoles ,i had the mortification1 against which ,m4 de ,malesherbes had not guarded me1 of seeing my work horribly mutilated1 and the sale of the good edition stopped until the bad one was entirely disposed of4 ,i have always considered ,m4 de ,malesherbes as a man whose uprightness was proof against every temptation4 ,nothing that has happened has even made me doubt for a moment of his probity2 but1 as weak as he is polite1 he sometimes injures those he wishes to serve by the excess of his zeal to preserve them from evil4 ,he not only retrenched a hundred pages in the edition of ,paris1 but he made another retrenchment1 which no person but the author could permit himself to do1 in the copy of the good edition he sent to ,madam de ,pompadour4 ,it is somewhere said in that work that the wife of a coal-heaver is more respectable than the mistress of a prince4 ,this phrase had occurred to me in the warmth of composition without any application4 ,in reading over the work ,i perceived it would be applied1 yet in consequence of the very imprudent maxim ,i had adopted of not suppressing anything1 on account of the application which might be made1 when my conscience bore witness to me that ,i had not made them at the time ,i wrote1 ,i determined not to expunge the phrase1 and contented myself with substituting the word ,prince to ,king1 which ,i had first written4 ,this softening did not seem sufficient to ,m4 de ,malesherbes3 he retrenched the whole expression in a new sheet which he had printed on purpose and stuck in between the other with as much exactness as possible in the copy of ,madam de ,pompadour4 ,she was not ignorant of this manoeuvre4 ,some good-natured people took the trouble to inform her of it4 ,for my part1 it was not until a long time afterwards1 and when ,i began to feel the consequences of it1 that the matter came to my knowledge4 ,is not this the origin of the concealed but implacable hatred of another lady who was in a like situation1 without my knowing it1 or even being acquainted with her person when ,i wrote the passage8 ,when the book was published the acquaintance was made1 and ,i was very uneasy4 ,i mentioned this to the ,chevalier de ,lorenzy1 who laughed at me1 and said the lady was so little offended that she had not even taken notice of the matter4 ,i believed him1 perhaps rather too lightly1 and made myself easy when there was much reason for my being otherwise4 ,at the beginning of the winter ,i received an additional mark of the goodness of ,m4 de ,malesherbes of which ,i was very sensible1 although ,i did not think proper to take advantage of it4 ,a place was vacant in the ',journal des ,savans'4 ,margency wrote to me1 proposing to me the place1 as from himself4 ,but ,i easily perceived from the manner of the letter that he was dictated to and authorized2 he afterwards told me he had been desired to make me the offer4 ,the occupations of this place were but trifling4 ,all ,i should have had to do would have been to make two abstracts a month1 from the books brought to me for that purpose1 without being under the necessity of going once to ,paris1 not even to pay the magistrate a visit of thanks4 ,by this employment ,i should have entered a society of men of letters of the first merit2 ,m4 de ,mairan1 ,clairaut1 ,de ,guignes and the ,abbe ,barthelemi1 with the first two of whom ,i had already made an acquaintance1 and that of the two others was very desirable4 ,in fine1 for this trifling employment1 the duties of which ,i might so commodiously have discharged1 there was a salary of eight hundred livres 7thirty-three pounds72 ,i was for a few hours undecided1 and this from a fear of making ,margency angry and displeasing ,m4 de ,malesherbes4 ,but at length the insupportable constraint of not having it in my power to work when ,i thought proper1 and to be commanded by time2 and moreover the certainty of badly performing the functions with which ,i was to charge myself1 prevailed over everything1 and determined me to refuse a place for which ,i was unfit4 ,i knew that my whole talent consisted in a certain warmth of mind with respect to the subjects of what ,i had to treat1 and that nothing but the love of that which was great1 beautiful and sublime1 could animate my genius4 ,what would the subjects of the extracts ,i should have had to make from books1 or even the books themselves1 have signified to me8 ,my indifference about them would have frozen my pen1 and stupefied my mind4 ,people thought ,i could make a trade of writing1 as most of the other men of letters did1 instead of which ,i never could write but from the warmth of imagination4 ,this certainly was not necessary for the ',journal des ,savans'4 ,i therefore wrote to ,margency a letter of thanks1 in the politest terms possible1 and so well explained to him my reasons1 that it was not possible that either he or ,m4 de ,malesherbes could imagine there was pride or ill-humor in my refusal4 ,they both approved of it without receiving me less politely1 and the secret was so well kept that it was never known to the public4 ,the proposition did not come in a favorable moment4 ,i had some time before this formed the project of quitting literature1 and especially the trade of an author4 ,i had been disgusted with men of letters by everything that had lately befallen me1 and had learned from experience that it was impossible to proceed in the same track without having some connections with them4 ,i was not much less dissatisfied with men of the world1 and in general with the mixed life ,i had lately led1 half to myself and half devoted to societies for which ,i was unfit4 ,i felt more than ever1 and by constant experience1 that every unequal association is disadvantageous to the weaker person4 ,living with opulent people1 and in a situation different from that ,i had chosen1 without keeping a house as they did1 ,i was obliged to imitate them in many things2 and little expenses1 which were nothing to their fortunes1 were for me not less ruinous than indispensable4 ,another man in the country-house of a friend1 is served by his own servant1 as well at table as in his chamber2 he sends him to seek for everything he wants2 having nothing directly to do with the servants of the house1 not even seeing them1 he gives them what he pleases1 and when he thinks proper2 but ,i1 alone1 and without a servant1 was at the mercy of the servants of the house1 of whom it was necessary to gain the good graces1 that ,i might not have much to suffer2 and being treated as the equal of their master1 ,i was obliged to treat them accordingly1 and better than another would have done1 because1 in fact1 ,i stood in greater need of their services4 ,this1 where there are but few domestics1 may be complied with2 but in the houses ,i frequented there were a great number1 and the knaves so well understood their interests that they knew how to make me want the services of them all successively4 ,the women of ,paris1 who have so much wit1 have no just idea of this inconvenience1 and in their zeal to economize my purse they ruined me4 ,if ,i supped in town1 at any considerable distance from my lodgings1 instead of permitting me to send for a hackney coach1 the mistress of the house ordered her horses to be put to and sent me home in her carriage4 ,she was very glad to save me the twenty-four sous 7shilling7 for the fiacre1 but never thought of the half-crown ,i gave to her coachman and footman4 ,if a lady wrote to me from ,paris to the ,hermitage or to ,montmorency1 she regretted the four sous 7two pence7 the postage of the letter would have cost me1 and sent it by one of her servants1 who came sweating on foot1 and to whom ,i gave a dinner and half a crown1 which he certainly had well earned4 ,if she proposed to me to pass with her a week or a fortnight at her country-house1 she still said to herself1 ,it will be a saving to the poor man2 during that time his eating will cost him nothing4 ,she never recollected that ,i was the whole time idle1 that the expenses of my family1 my rent1 linen and clothes were still going on1 that ,i paid my barber double that it cost me more being in her house than in my own1 and although ,i confined my little largesses to the house in which ,i customarily lived1 that these were still ruinous to me4 ,i am certain ,i have paid upwards of twenty-five crowns in the house of ,madam d',houdetot1 at ,raubonne1 where ,i never slept more than four or five times1 and upwards of a thousand livres 7forty pounds7 as well at ,epinay as at the ,chevrette1 during the five or six years ,i was most assiduous there4 ,these expenses are inevitable to a man like me1 who knows not how to provide anything for himself1 and cannot support the sight of a lackey who grumbles and serves him with a sour look4 ,with ,madam ,dupin1 even where ,i was one of the family1 and in whose house ,i rendered many services to the servants1 ,i never received theirs but for my money4 ,in course of time it was necessary to renounce these little liberalities1 which my situation no longer permitted me to bestow1 and ,i felt still more severely the inconvenience of associating with people in a situation different from my own4 ,had this manner of life been to my taste1 ,i should have been consoled for a heavy expense1 which ,i dedicated to my pleasures2 but to ruin myself at the same time that ,i fatigued my mind1 was insupportable1 and ,i had so felt the weight of this1 that1 profiting by the interval of liberty ,i then had1 ,i was determined to perpetuate it1 and entirely to renounce great companies1 the composition of books1 and all literary concerns1 and for the remainder of my days to confine myself to the narrow and peaceful sphere in which ,i felt ,i was born to move4 ,the produce of this letter to ,d',alembert1 and of the ,new ,elosia1 had a little improved the state of my finances1 which had been considerably exhausted at the ,hermitage4 ,emilius1 to which1 after ,i had finished ,eloisa1 ,i had given great application1 was in forwardness1 and the produce of this could not be less than the sum of which ,i was already in possession4 ,i intended to place this money in such a manner as to produce me a little annual income1 which1 with my copying1 might be sufficient to my wants without writing any more4 ,i had two other works upon the stocks4 ,the first of these was my ',institutions ,politiques'4 ,i examined the state of this work1 and found it required several years' labor4 ,i had not courage enough to continue it1 and to wait until it was finished before ,i carried my intentions into execution4 ,therefore1 laying the book aside1 ,i determined to take from it all ,i could1 and to burn the rest2 and continuing this with zeal without interrupting ,emilius1 ,i finished the ',contrat ,social'4 ,the dictionary of music now remained4 ,this was mechanical1 and might be taken up at any time2 the object of it was entirely pecuniary4 ,i reserved to myself the liberty of laying it aside1 or of finishing it at my ease1 according as my other resources collected should render this necessary or superfluous4 ,with respect to the ',morale ,sensitive'1 of which ,i had made nothing more than a sketch1 ,i entirely gave it up4 ,as my last project1 if ,i found ,i could not entirely do without copying1 was that of removing from ,paris1 where the affluence of my visitors rendered my housekeeping expensive1 and deprived me of the time ,i should have turned to advantage to provide for it2 to prevent in my retirement the state of lassitude into which an author is said to fall when he has laid down his pen1 ,i reserved to myself an occupation which might fill up the void in my solitude without tempting me to print anything more4 ,i know not for what reason they had long tormented me to write the memoirs of my life4 ,although these were not until that time interesting as to the facts1 ,i felt they might become so by the candor with which ,i was capable of giving them1 and ,i determined to make of these the only work of the kind1 by an unexampled veracity1 that1 for once at least1 the world might see a man such as he internally was4 ,i had always laughed at the false ingenuousness of ,montaigne1 who1 feigning to confess his faults1 takes great care not to give himself any1 except such as are amiable2 whilst ,i1 who have ever thought1 and still think myself1 considering everything1 the best of men1 felt there is no human being1 however pure he may be1 who does not internally conceal some odious vice4 ,i knew ,i was described to the public very different from what ,i really was1 and so opposite1 that notwithstanding my faults1 all of which ,i was determined to relate1 ,i could not but be a gainer by showing myself in my proper colors4 ,this1 besides1 not being to be done without setting forth others also in theirs and the work for the same reason not being of a nature to appear during my lifetime1 and that of several other persons1 ,i was the more encouraged to make my confession1 at which ,i should never have to blush before any person4 ,i therefore resolved to dedicate my leisure to the execution of this undertaking1 and immediately began to collect such letters and papers as might guide or assist my memory1 greatly regretting the loss of all ,i had burned1 mislaid and destroyed4 ,the project of absolute retirement1 one of the most reasonable ,i had ever formed1 was strongly impressed upon my mind1 and for the execution of it ,i was already taking measures1 when ,heaven1 which prepared me a different destiny1 plunged me into a another vortex4 ,montmorency1 the ancient and fine patrimony of the illustrious family of that name1 was taken from it by confiscation4 ,it passed by the sister of ,duke ,henry1 to the house of ,conde1 which has changed the name of ,montmorency to that of ,enguien1 and the duchy has no other castle than an old tower1 where the archives are kept1 and to which the vassals come to do homage4 ,but at ,montmorency1 or ,enguien1 there is a private house1 built by ,crosat1 called 'le pauvre'1 which having the magnificence of the most superb chateaux1 deserves and bears the name of a castle4 ,the majestic appearance of this noble edifice1 the view from it1 not equalled perhaps in any country2 the spacious saloon1 painted by the hand of a master2 the garden1 planted by the celebrated ,le ,notre2 all combined to form a whole strikingly majestic1 in which there is still a simplicity that enforces admiration4 ,the ,marechal ,duke de ,luxembourg who then inhabited this house1 came every year into the neighborhood where formerly his ancestors were the masters1 to pass1 at least1 five or six weeks as a private inhabitant1 but with a splendor which did not degenerate from the ancient lustre of his family4 ,on the first journey he made to it after my residing at ,montmorency1 he and his lady sent to me a valet de chambre1 with their compliments1 inviting me to sup with them as often as it should be agreeable to me2 and at each time of their coming they never failed to reiterate the same compliments and invitation4 ,this called to my recollection ,madam ,beuzenval sending me to dine in the servants' hall4 ,times were changed2 but ,i was still the same man4 ,i did not choose to be sent to dine in the servants' hall1 and was but little desirous of appearing at the table of the great2 ,i should have been much better pleased had they left me as ,i was1 without caressing me and rendering me ridiculous4 ,i answered politely and respectfully to ,monsieur and ,madam de ,luxembourg1 but ,i did not accept their offers1 and my indisposition and timidity1 with my embarrassment in speaking2 making me tremble at the idea alone of appearing in an assembly of people of the court4 ,i did not even go to the castle to pay a visit of thanks1 although ,i sufficiently comprehended this was all they desired1 and that their eager politeness was rather a matter of curiosity than benevolence4 ,however1 advances still were made1 and even became more pressing4 ,the ,countess de ,boufflers1 who was very intimate with the lady of the marechal1 sent to inquire after my health1 and to beg ,i would go and see her4 ,i returned her a proper answer1 but did not stir from my house4 ,at the journey of ,easter1 the year following1 #agei1 the ,chevalier de ,lorenzy1 who belonged to the court of the ,prince of ,conti1 and was intimate with ,madam de ,luxembourg1 came several times to see me1 and we became acquainted2 he pressed me to go to the castle1 but ,i refused to comply4 ,at length1 one afternoon1 when ,i least expected anything of the kind1 ,i saw coming up to the house the ,marechal de ,luxembourg1 followed by five or six persons4 ,there was now no longer any means of defence2 and ,i could not1 without being arrogant and unmannerly1 do otherwise than return this visit1 and make my court to ,madam la ,marechale1 from whom the marechal had been the bearer of the most obliging compliments to me4 ,thus1 under unfortunate auspices1 began the connections from which ,i could no longer preserve myself1 although a too well-founded foresight made me afraid of them until they were made4 ,i was excessively afraid of ,madam de ,luxembourg4 ,i knew she was amiable as to manner4 ,i had seen her several times at the theatre1 when she was ,duchess of ,boufflers1 and in the bloom of her beauty2 but she was said to be malignant2 and this in a woman of her rank made me tremble4 ,i had scarcely seen her before ,i was subjugated4 ,i thought her charming1 with that charm proof against time and which had the most powerful action upon my heart4 ,i expected to find her conversation satirical and full of pleasantries and points4 ,it was not so2 it was much better4 ,the conversation of ,madam de ,luxembourg is not remarkably full of wit2 it has no sallies1 nor even finesse2 it is exquisitely delicate1 never striking1 but always pleasing4 ,her flattery is the more intoxicating as it is natural2 it seems to escape her involuntarily1 and her heart to overflow because it is too full4 ,i thought ,i perceived1 on my first visit1 that notwithstanding my awkward manner and embarrassed expression1 ,i was not displeasing to her4 ,all the women of the court know how to persuade us of this when they please1 whether it be true or not1 but they do not all1 like ,madam de ,luxembourg1 possess the art of rendering that persuasion so agreeable that we are no longer disposed ever to have a doubt remaining4 ,from the first day my confidence in her would have been as full as it soon afterwards became1 had not the ,duchess of ,montmorency1 her daughter-in-law1 young1 giddy1 and malicious also1 taken it into her head to attack me1 and in the midst of the eulogiums of her mamma1 and feigned allurements on her own account1 made me suspect ,i was only considered by them as a subject of ridicule4 ,it would perhaps have been difficult to relieve me from this fear with these two ladies had not the extreme goodness of the marechal confirmed me in the belief that theirs was not real4 ,nothing is more surprising1 considering my timidity1 than the promptitude with which ,i took him at his word on the footing of equality to which he would absolutely reduce himself with me1 except it be that with which he took me at mine with respect to the absolute independence in which ,i was determined to live4 ,both persuaded ,i had reason to be content with my situation1 and that ,i was unwilling to change it1 neither he nor ,madam de ,luxembourg seemed to think a moment of my purse or fortune2 although ,i can have no doubt of the tender concern they had for me1 they never proposed to me a place nor offered me their interest1 except it were once1 when ,madam de ,luxembourg seemed to wish me to become a member of the ,french ,academy4 ,i alleged my religion2 this she told me was no obstacle1 or if it was one she engaged to remove it4 ,i answered1 that however great the honor of becoming a member of so illustrious a body might be1 having refused ,m4 de ,tressan1 and1 in some measure1 the ,king of ,poland1 to become a member of the ,academy at ,nancy1 ,i could not with propriety enter into any other4 ,madam de ,luxembourg did not insist1 and nothing more was said upon the subject4 ,this simplicity of intercourse with persons of such rank1 and who had the power of doing anything in my favor1 ,m4 de ,luxembourg being1 and highly deserving to be1 the particular friend of the king1 affords a singular contrast with the continual cares1 equally importunate and officious1 of the friends and protectors from whom ,i had just separated1 and who endeavored less to serve me than to render me contemptible4 ,when the marechal came to see me at ,mont ,louis1 ,i was uneasy at receiving him and his retinue in my only chamber2 not because ,i was obliged to make them all sit down in the midst of my dirty plates and broken pots1 but on account of the state of the floor1 which was rotten and falling to ruin1 and ,i was afraid the weight of his attendants would entirely sink it4 ,less concerned on account of my own danger than for that to which the affability of the marechal exposed him1 ,i hastened to remove him from it by conducting him1 notwithstanding the coldness of the weather1 to my alcove1 which was quite open to the air1 and had no chimney4 ,when he was there ,i told him my reason for having brought him to it2 he told it to his lady1 and they both pressed me to accept1 until the floor was repaired1 a lodging of the castle2 or1 if ,i preferred it1 in a separate edifice called the ,little ,castle which was in the middle of the park4 ,this delightful abode deserves to be spoken of4 ,the park or garden of ,montmorency is not a plain1 like that of the ,chevrette4 ,it is uneven1 mountainous1 raised by little hills and valleys1 of which the able artist has taken advantage2 and thereby varied his groves1 ornaments1 waters1 and points of view1 and1 if ,i may so speak1 multiplied by art and genius a space in itself rather narrow4 ,this park is terminated at the top by a terrace and the castle2 at bottom it forms a narrow passage which opens and becomes wider towards the valley1 the angle of which is filled up with a large piece of water4 ,between the orangery1 which is in this widening1 and the piece of water1 the banks of which are agreeably decorated1 stands the ,little ,castle of which ,i have spoken4 ,this edifice1 and the ground about it1 formerly belonged to the celebrated ,le ,brun1 who amused himself in building and decorating it in the exquisite taste of architectual ornaments which that great painter had formed to himself4 ,the castle has since been rebuilt1 but still1 according to the plan and design of its first master4 ,it is little and simple1 but elegant4 ,as it stands in a hollow between the orangery and the large piece of water1 and consequently is liable to be damp1 it is open in the middle by a peristyle between two rows of columns1 by which means the air circulating throughout the whole edifice keeps it dry1 notwithstanding its unfavorable situation4 ,when the building is seen from the opposite elevation1 which is a point of view1 it appears absolutely surrounded with water1 and we imagine we have before our eyes an enchanted island1 or the most beautiful of the three ,boromeans1 called ,isola ,bella1 in the greater lake4 ,in this solitary edifice ,i was offered the choice of four complete apartments it contains1 besides the ground floor1 consisting of a dancing room1 billiard room and a kitchen4 ,i chose the smallest over the kitchen1 which also ,i had with it4 ,it was charmingly neat1 with blue and white furniture4 ,in this profound and delicious solitude1 in the midst of the woods1 the singing of birds of every kind1 and the perfume of orange flowers1 ,i composed1 in a continual ecstasy1 the fifth book of ,emilius1 the coloring of which ,i owe in a great measure to the lively impression ,i received from the place ,i inhabited4 ,with what eagerness did ,i run every morning at sunrise to respire the perfumed air in the peristyle6 ,what excellent coffee ,i took there tete-a-tete with my ,theresa4 ,my cat and dog were our company4 ,this retinue alone would have been sufficient for me during my whole life1 in which ,i should not have had one weary moment4 ,i was there in a terrestrial paradise2 ,i lived in innocence and tasted of happiness4 ,at the journey of ,july1 ,m4 and ,madam de ,luxembourg showed me so much attention1 and were so extremely kind1 that1 lodged in their house1 and overwhelmed with their goodness1 ,i could not do less than make them a proper return in assiduous respect near their persons2 ,i scarcely quitted them2 ,i went in the morning to pay my court to ,madam la ,marechale2 after dinner ,i walked with the marechal2 but did not sup at the castle on account of the numerous guests1 and because they supped too late for me4 ,thus far everything was as it should be1 and no harm would have been done could ,i have remained at this point4 ,but ,i have never known how to preserve a medium in my attachments1 and simply fulfil the duties of society4 ,i have ever been everything or nothing4 ,i was soon everything2 and receiving the most polite attention from persons of the highest rank1 ,i passed the proper bounds1 and conceived for them a friendship not permitted except among equals4 ,of these ,i had all the familiarity in my manners1 whilst they still preserved in theirs the same politeness to which they had accustomed me4 ,yet ,i was never quite at my ease with ,madam de ,luxembourg4 ,although ,i was not quite relieved from my fears relative to her character1 ,i apprehended less danger from it than from her wit4 ,it was by this especially that she impressed me with awe4 ,i knew she was difficult as to conversation1 and she had a right to be so4 ,i knew women1 especially those of her rank1 would absolutely be amused1 that it was better to offend than to weary them1 and ,i judged by her commentaries upon what the people who went away had said what she must think of my blunders4 ,i thought of an expedient to spare me with her the embarrassment of speaking2 this was reading4 ,she had heard of my ,eloisa1 and knew it was in the press2 she expressed a desire to see the work2 ,i offered to read it to her1 and she accepted my offer4 ,i went to her every morning at ten o'clock2 ,m4 de ,luxembourg was present1 and the door was shut4 ,i read by the side of her bed1 and so well proportioned my readings that there would have been sufficient for the whole time she had to stay1 had they even not been interrupted4 ,the loss of a great battle1 which much afflicted the ,king1 obliged ,m4 de ,luxembourg precipitately to return to court4 ,the success of this expedient surpassed my expectation4 ,madam de ,luxembourg took a great liking to ,julia and the author2 she spoke of nothing but me1 thought of nothing else1 said civil things to me from morning till night1 and embraced me ten times a day4 ,she insisted on me always having my place by her side at table1 and when any great lords wished it she told them it was mine1 and made them sit down somewhere else4 ,the impression these charming manners made upon me1 who was subjugated by the least mark of affection1 may easily be judged of4 ,i became really attached to her in proportion to the attachment she showed me4 ,all my fear in perceiving this infatuation1 and feeling the want of agreeableness in myself to support it1 was that it would be changed into disgust2 and unfortunately this fear was but too well founded4 ,there must have been a natural opposition between her turn of mind and mine1 since1 independently of the numerous stupid things which at every instant escaped me in conversation1 and even in my letters1 and when ,i was upon the best terms with her1 there were certain other things with which she was displeased without my being able to imagine the reason4 ,i will quote one instance from among twenty4 ,she knew ,i was writing for ,madam d',houdetot a copy of the ,new ,eloisa4 ,she was desirous to have one on the same footing4 ,this ,i promised her1 and thereby making her one of my customers1 ,i wrote her a polite letter upon the subject1 at least such was my intention4 ,her answer1 which was as follows1 stupefied me with surprise4 ,,versailles1 ,tuesday4 ,i am ravished1 ,i am satisfied3 your letter has given me infinite pleasure1 and ,i take the earliest moment to acquaint you with1 and thank you for it4 ,these are the exact words of your letter3 ',although you are certainly a very good customer1 ,i have some pain in receiving your money3 according to regular order ,i ought to pay for the pleasure ,i should have in working for you4' ,i will say nothing more on the subject4 ,i have to complain of your not speaking of your state of health3 nothing interests me more4 ,i love you with all my heart3 and be assured that ,i write this to you in a very melancholy mood1 for ,i should have much pleasure in telling it to you myself4 ,m4 de ,luxembourg loves and embraces you with all his heart4 ,on receiving the letter ,i hastened to answer it1 reserving to myself more fully to examine the matter1 protesting against all disobliging interpretation1 and after having given several days to this examination with an inquietude which may easily be conceived1 and still without being able to discover in what ,i could have erred1 what follows was my final answer on the subject4 ,,montmorency1 #hth ,december1 #agei4 ,since my last letter ,i have examined a hundred times the passage in question4 ,i have considered it in its proper and natural meaning1 as well as in every other which may be given to it1 and ,i confess to you1 madam1 that ,i know not whether it be ,i who owe to you excuses1 or you from whom they are due to me4 ,it is now ten years since these letters were written4 ,i have since that time frequently thought of the subject of them2 and such is still my stupidity that ,i have hitherto been unable to discover what in the passages1 quoted from my letter1 she could find offensive1 or even displeasing4 ,i must here mention1 relative to the manuscript copy of ,eloisa ,madam de ,luxembourg wished to have1 in what manner ,i thought to give it some marked advantage which should distinguish it from all others4 ,i had written separately the adventures of ,lord ,edward1 and had long been undetermined whether ,i should insert them wholly1 or in extracts1 in the work in which they seemed to be wanting4 ,i at length determined to retrench them entirely1 because1 not being in the manner of the rest1 they would have spoiled the interesting simplicity1 which was its principal merit4 ,i had still a stronger reason when ,i came to know ,madam de ,luxembourg3 ,there was in these adventures a ,roman marchioness1 of a bad character1 some parts of which1 without being applicable1 might have been applied to her by those to whom she was not particularly known4 ,i was therefore1 highly pleased with the determination to which ,i had come1 and resolved to abide by it4 ,but in the ardent desire to enrich her copy with something which was not in the other1 what should ,i fall upon but these unfortunate adventures1 and ,i concluded on making an extract from them to add to the work2 a project dictated by madness1 of which the extravagance is inexplicable1 except by the blind fatality which led me on to destruction4 ',quos vult perdere ,jupiter dementet4' ,i was stupid enough to make this extract with the greatest care and pains1 and to send it her as the finest thing in the world2 it is true1 ,i at the same time informed her the original was burned1 which was really the case1 that the extract was for her alone1 and would never be seen1 except by herself1 unless she chose to show it2 which1 far from proving to her my prudence and discretion1 as it was my intention to do1 clearly intimated what ,i thought of the application by which she might be offended4 ,my stupidity was such1 that ,i had no doubt of her being delighted with what ,i had done4 ,she did not make me the compliment upon it which ,i expected1 and1 to my great surprise1 never once mentioned the paper ,i had sent her4 ,i was so satisfied with myself1 that it was not until a long time afterwards1 ,i judged1 from other indications1 of the effect it had produced4 ,i had still1 in favor of her manuscript1 another idea more reasonable1 but which1 by more distant effects1 has not been much less prejudicial to me2 so much does everything concur with the work of destiny1 when that hurries on a man to misfortune4 ,i thought of ornamenting the manuscript with the engravings of the ,new ,eloisa1 which were of the same size4 ,i asked ,coindet for these engravings1 which belonged to me by every kind of title1 and the more so as ,i had given him the produce of the plates1 which had a considerable sale4 ,coindet is as cunning as ,i am the contrary4 ,by frequently asking him for the engravings he came to the knowledge of the use ,i intended to make of them4 ,he then1 under pretence of adding some new ornament1 still kept them from me2 and at length presented them himself4 ',ego versiculos feci1 tulit alter honores4' ,this gave him an introduction upon a certain footing to the ,hotel de ,luxembourg4 ,after my establishment at the little castle he came rather frequently to see me1 and always in the morning1 especially when ,m4 and ,madam de ,luxembourg were at ,montmorency4 ,therefore that ,i might pass the day with him1 ,i did not go the castle4 ,reproaches were made me on account of my absence2 ,i told the reason of them4 ,i was desired to bring with me ,m4 ,coindet2 ,i did so4 ,this was1 what he had sought after4 ,therefore1 thanks to the excessive goodness ,m4 and ,madam de ,luxembourg had for me1 a clerk to ,m4 ,thelusson1 who was sometimes pleased to give him his table when he had nobody else to dine with him1 was suddenly placed at that of a marechal of ,france1 with princes1 duchesses1 and persons of the highest rank at court4 ,i shall never forget1 that one day being obliged to return early to ,paris1 the marechal said1 after dinner1 to the company1 ,let us take a walk upon the road to ,st4 ,denis1 and we will accompany ,m4 ,coindet4 ,this was too much for the poor man2 his head was quite turned4 ,for my part1 my heart was so affected that ,i could not say a word4 ,i followed the company1 weeping like a child1 and having the strongest desire to kiss the foot of the good marechal2 but the continuation of the history of the manuscript has made me anticipate4 ,i will go a little back1 and1 as far as my memory will permit1 mark each event in its proper order4 ,as soon as the little house of ,mont ,louis was ready1 ,i had it neatly furnished and again established myself there4 ,i could not break through the resolution ,i had made on quitting the ,hermitage of always having my apartment to myself2 but ,i found a difficulty in resolving to quit the little castle4 ,i kept the key of it1 and being delighted with the charming breakfasts of the peristyle1 frequently went to the castle to sleep1 and stayed three or four days as at a country-house4 ,i was at that time perhaps better and more agreeably lodged than any private individual in ,europe4 ,my host1 ,m4 ,mathas1 one of the best men in the world1 had left me the absolute direction of the repairs at ,mont ,louis1 and insisted upon my disposing of his workmen without his interference4 ,i therefore found the means of making of a single chamber upon the first story1 a complete set of apartments consisting of a chamber1 antechamber1 and a water closet4 ,upon the ground-floor was the kitchen and the chamber of ,theresa4 ,the alcove served me for a closet by means of a glazed partition and a chimney ,i had made there4 ,after my return to this habitation1 ,i amused myself in decorating the terrace1 which was already shaded by two rows of linden trees2 ,i added two others to make a cabinet of verdure1 and placed in it a table and stone benches3 ,i surrounded it with lilies1 syringa and woodbines1 and had a beautiful border of flowers parallel with the two rows of trees4 ,this terrace1 more elevated than that of the castle1 from which the view was at least as fine1 and where ,i had tamed a great number of birds1 was my drawing-room1 in which ,i received ,m4 and ,madam de ,luxembourg1 the ,duke of ,villeroy1 the ,prince of ,tingry1 the ,marquis of ,armentieres1 the ,duchess of ,montmorency1 the ,duchess of ,bouffiers1 the ,countess of ,valentinois1 the ,countess of ,boufflers1 and other persons of the first rank2 who1 from the castle disdained not to make1 over a very fatiguing mountain1 the pilgrimage of ,mont ,louis4 ,i owed all these visits to the favor of ,m4 and ,madam de ,luxembourg2 this ,i felt1 and my heart on that account did them all due homage4 ,it was with the same sentiment that ,i once said to ,m4 de ,luxembourg1 embracing him3 ,ah6 ,monsieur le ,marechal1 ,i hated the great before ,i knew you1 and ,i have hated them still more since you have shown me with what ease they might acquire universal respect4 ,further than this ,i defy any person with whom ,i was then acquainted1 to say ,i was ever dazzled for an instant with splendor1 or that the vapor of the incense ,i received ever affected my head2 that ,i was less uniform in my manner1 less plain in my dress1 less easy of access to people of the lowest rank1 less familiar with neighbors1 or less ready to render service to every person when ,i had it in my power so to do1 without ever once being discouraged by the numerous and frequently unreasonable importunities with which ,i was incessantly assailed4 ,although my heart led me to the castle of ,montmorency1 by my sincere attachment to those by whom it was inhabited1 it by the same means drew me back to the neighborhood of it1 there to taste the sweets of the equal and simple life1 in which my only happiness consisted4 ,theresa had contracted a friendship with the daughter of one of my neighbors1 a mason of the name of ,pilleu2 ,i did the same with the father1 and after having dined at the castle1 not without some constraint1 to please ,madam de ,luxembourg1 with what eagerness did ,i return in the evening to sup with the good man ,pilleu and his family1 sometimes at his own house and at others at mine4 ,besides my two lodgings in the country1 ,i soon had a third at the ,hotel de ,luxembourg1 the proprietors of which pressed me so much to go and see them there1 that ,i consented1 notwithstanding my aversion to ,paris1 where1 since my retiring to the ,hermitage1 ,i had been but twice1 upon the two occasions of which ,i have spoken4 ,i did not now go there except on the days agreed upon1 solely to supper1 and the next morning ,i returned to the country4 ,i entered and came out by the garden which faces the boulevard1 so that ,i could with the greatest truth1 say ,i had not set my foot upon the stones of ,paris4 ,in the midst of this transient prosperity1 a catastrophe1 which was to be the conclusion of it1 was preparing at a distance4 ,a short time after my return to ,mont ,louis1 ,i made there1 and as it was customary1 against my inclination1 a new acquaintance1 which makes another era in my private history4 ,whether this be favorable or unfavorable1 the reader will hereafter be able to judge4 ,the person with whom ,i became acquainted was the ,marchioness of ,verdelin1 my neighbor1 whose husband had just bought a country-house at ,soisy1 near ,montmorency4 ,mademoiselle d',ars1 daughter to the ,comte d',ars1 a man of fashion1 but poor1 had married ,m4 de ,verdelin1 old1 ugly1 deaf1 uncouth1 brutal1 jealous1 with gashes in his face1 and blind of one eye1 but1 upon the whole1 a good man when properly managed1 and in possession of a fortune of from fifteen to twenty thousand a year4 ,this charming object1 swearing1 roaring1 scolding1 storming1 and making his wife cry all day long1 ended by doing whatever she thought proper1 and this to set her in a rage1 because she knew how to persuade him that it was he who would1 and she would not have it so4 ,m4 de ,margency1 of whom ,i have spoken1 was the friend of madam1 and became that of monsieur4 ,he had a few years before let them his castle of ,margency1 near ,eaubonne and ,andilly1 and they resided there precisely at the time of my passion for ,madam d',houdetot4 ,madam d',houdetot and ,madam de ,verdelin became acquainted with each other1 by means of ,madam d',aubeterre their common friend2 and as the garden of ,margency was in the road by which ,madam d',houdetot went to ,mont ,olympe1 her favorite walk1 ,madam de ,verdelin gave her a key that she might pass through it4 ,by means of this key ,i crossed it several times with her2 but ,i did not like unexpected meetings1 and when ,madam de ,verdelin was by chance upon our way ,i left them together without speaking to her1 and went on before4 ,this want of gallantry must have made on her an impression unfavorable to me4 ,yet when she was at ,soisy she was anxious to have my company4 ,she came several times to see me at ,mont ,louis1 without finding me at home1 and perceiving ,i did not return her visit1 took it into her head1 as a means of forcing me to do it1 to send me pots of flowers for my terrace4 ,i was under the necessity of going to thank her2 this was all she wanted1 and we thus became acquainted4 ,this connection1 like every other ,i formed2 or was led into contrary to my inclination1 began rather boisterously4 ,there never reigned in it a real calm4 ,the turn of mind of ,madam de ,verdelinwas too opposite to mine4 ,malignant expressions and pointed sarcasms came from her with so much simplicity1 that a continual attention too fatiguing for me was necessary to perceive she was turning into ridicule the person to whom she spoke4 ,one trivial circumstance which occurs to my recollection will be sufficient to give an idea of her manner4 ,her brother had just obtained the command of a frigate cruising against the ,english4 ,i spoke of the manner of fitting out this frigate without diminishing its swiftness of sailing4 ,yes1 replied she1 in the most natural tone of voice1 no more cannon are taken than are necessary for fighting4 ,i seldom have heard her speak well of any of her absent friends without letting slip something to their prejudice4 ,what she did not see with an evil eye she looked upon with one of ridicule1 and her friend ,margency was not excepted4 ,what ,i found most insupportable in her was the perpetual constraint proceeding from her little messages1 presents and billets1 to which it was a labor for me to answer1 and ,i had continual embarrassments either in thanking or refusing4 ,however1 by frequently seeing this lady ,i became attached to her4 ,she had her troubles as well as ,i had mine4 ,reciprocal confidence rendered our conversations interesting4 ,nothing so cordially attaches two persons as the satisfaction of weeping together4 ,we sought the company of each other for our reciprocal consolation1 and the want of this has frequently made me pass over many things4 ,i had been so severe in my frankness with her1 that after having sometimes shown so little esteem for her character1 a great deal was necessary to be able to believe she could sincerely forgive me4 ,the following letter is a specimen of the epistles ,i sometimes wrote to her1 and it is to be remarked that she never once in any of her answers to them seemed to be in the least degree piqued4 ,,montmorency1 #eth ,november1 #agfj4 ,you tell me1 madam1 you have not well explained yourself1 in order to make me understand ,i have explained myself ill4 ,you speak of your pretended stupidity for the purpose of making me feel my own4 ,you boast of being nothing more than a good kind of woman1 as if you were afraid to being taken at your word1 and you make me apologies to tell me ,i owe them to you4 ,yes1 madam1 ,i know it2 it is ,i who am a fool1 a good kind of man2 and1 if it be possible1 worse than all this2 it is ,i who make a bad choice of my expressions in the opinion of a fine ,french lady1 who pays as much attention to words1 and speaks as well as you do4 ,but consider that ,i take them in the common meaning of the language without knowing or troubling my head about the polite acceptations in which they are taken in the virtuous societies of ,paris4 ,if my expressions are sometimes equivocal1 ,i endeavored by my conduct to determine their meaning1 etc4 ,the rest of the letter is much the same4 ,coindet1 enterprising1 bold1 even to effrontery1 and who was upon the watch after all my friends1 soon introduced himself in my name to the house of ,madam de ,verdelin1 and1 unknown to me1 shortly became there more familiar than myself4 ,this ,coindet was an extraordinary man4 ,he presented himself in my name in the houses of all my acquaintance1 gained a footing in them1 and ate there without ceremony4 ,transported with zeal to do me service1 he never mentioned my name without his eyes being suffused with tears2 but1 when he came to see me1 he kept the most profound silence on the subject of all these connections1 and especially on that in which he knew ,i must be interested4 ,instead of telling me what he had heard1 said1 or seen1 relative to my affairs1 he waited for my speaking to him1 and even interrogated me4 ,he never knew anything of what passed in ,paris1 except that which ,i told him3 finally1 although everybody spoke to me of him1 he never once spoke to me of any person2 he was secret and mysterious with his friend only2 but ,i will for the present leave ,coindet and ,madam de ,verdelin1 and return to them at a proper time4 ,sometime after my return to ,mont ,louis1 ,la ,tour1 the painter1 came to see me1 and brought with him my portrait in crayons1 which a few years before he had exhibited at the salon4 ,he wished to give me this portrait1 which ,i did not choose to accept4 ,but ,madam d',epinay1 who had given me hers1 and would have had this1 prevailed upon me to ask him for it4 ,he had taken some time to retouch the features4 ,in the interval happened my rupture with ,madam d',epinay2 ,i returned her her portrait2 and giving her mine being no longer in question1 ,i put it into my chamber1 in the castle4 ,m4 de ,luxembourg saw it there1 and found it a good one2 ,i offered it him1 he accepted it1 and ,i sent it to the castle4 ,he and his lady comprehended ,i should be very glad to have theirs4 ,they had them taken in miniature by a very skilful hand1 set in a box of rock crystal1 mounted with gold1 and in a very handsome manner1 with which ,i was delighted1 made me a present of both4 ,madam de ,luxenbourg would never consent that her portrait should be on the upper part of the box4 ,she had reproached me several times with loving ,m4 de ,luxembourg better than ,i did her2 ,i had not denied it because it was true4 ,by this manner of placing her portrait she showed very politely1 but very clearly1 she had not forgotten the preference4 ,much about this time ,i was guilty of a folly which did not contribute to preserve me to her good graces4 ,although ,i had no knowledge of ,m4 de ,silhoutte1 and was not much disposed to like him1 ,i had a great opinion of his administration4 ,when he began to let his hand fall rather heavily upon financiers1 ,i perceived he did not begin his operation in a favorable moment1 but he had my warmest wishes for his success2 and as soon as ,i heard he was displaced ,i wrote to him1 in my intrepid1 heedless manner1 the following letter1 which ,i certainly do not undertake to justify4 ,,montmorency1 #b;d ,december1 #agei4 ,vouchsafe1 sir1 to receive the homage of a solitary man1 who is not known to you1 but who esteems you for your talents1 respects you for your administration1 and who did you the honor to believe you would not long remain in it4 ,unable to save the ,state1 except at the expense of the capital by which it has been ruined1 you have braved the clamors of the gainers of money4 ,when ,i saw you crush these wretches1 ,i envied you your place2 and at seeing you quit it without departing from your system1 ,i admire you4 ,be satisfied with yourself1 sir2 the step you have taken will leave you an honor you will long enjoy without a competitor4 ,the malediction of knaves is the glory of an honest man4 ,madam de ,luxembourg1 who knew ,i had written this letter1 spoke to me of it when she came into the country at ,easter4 ,i showed it to her and she was desirous of a copy2 this ,i gave her1 but when ,i did it ,i did not know she was interested in under-farms1 and the displacing of ,m4 de ,silhoutte4 ,by my numerous follies any person would have imagined ,i wilfully endeavored to bring on myself the hatred of an amiable woman who had power1 and to whom1 in truth1 ,i daily became more attached1 and was far from wishing to occasion her displeasure1 although by my awkward manner of proceeding1 ,i did everything proper for that purpose4 ,i think it superfluous to remark here1 that it is to her the history of the opiate of ,m4 ,tronchin1 of which ,i have spoken in the first part of my memoirs1 relates2 the other lady was ,madam de ,mirepoix4 ,they have never mentioned to me the circumstance1 nor has either of them1 in the least1 seemed to have preserved a remembrance of it2 but to presume that ,madam de ,luxembourg can possibly have forgotten it appears to me very difficult1 and would still remain so1 even were the subsequent events entirely unknown4 ,for my part1 ,i fell into a deceitful security relative to the effects of my stupid mistakes1 by an internal evidence of my not having taken any step with an intention to offend2 as if a woman could ever forgive what ,i had done1 although she might be certain the will had not the least part in the matter4 ,although she seemed not to see or feel anything1 and that ,i did not immediately find either her warmth of friendship diminished or the least change in her manner1 the continuation and even increase of a too well founded foreboding made me incessantly tremble1 lest disgust should succeed to infatuation4 ,was it possible for me to expect in a lady of such high rank1 a constancy proof against my want of address to support it8 ,i was unable to conceal from her this secret foreboding1 which made me uneasy1 and rendered me still more disagreeable4 ,this will be judged of by the following letter1 which contains a very singular prediction4 ,n4 ,b4 ,this letter1 without date in my rough copy1 was written in ,october1 #agfj1 at latest4 ,how cruel is your goodness8 ,why disturb the peace of a solitary mortal who had renounced the pleasures of life1 that he might no longer suffer the fatigues of them4 ,i have passed my days in vainly searching for solid attachments4 ,i have not been able to form any in the ranks to which ,i was equal2 is it in yours that ,i ought to seek for them8 ,neither ambition nor interest can tempt me3 ,i am not vain1 but little fearful2 ,i can resist everything except caresses4 ,why do you both attack me by a weakness which ,i must overcome1 because in the distance by which we are separated1 the over-flowings of susceptible hearts cannot bring mine near to you8 ,will gratitude be sufficient for a heart which knows not two manners of bestowing its affections1 and feels itself incapable of everything except friendship8 ,of friendship1 madam la marechale6 ,ah6 there is my misfortune6 ,it is good in you and the marechal to make use of this expression2 but ,i am mad when ,i take you at your word4 ,you amuse yourselves1 and ,i become attached2 and the end of this prepares for me new regrets4 ,how ,i do hate all your titles1 and pity you on account of your being obliged to bear them8 ,you seem to me to be so worthy of tasting the charms of private life6 ,why do not you reside at ,clarens8 ,i would go there in search of happiness2 but the castle of ,montmorency1 and the ,hotel de ,luxembourg6 ,is it in these places ,jean ,jacques ought to be seen8 ,is it there a friend to equality ought to carry the affections of a sensible heart1 and who thus paying the esteem in which he is held1 thinks he returns as much as he receives8 ,you are good and susceptible also3 this ,i know and have seen2 ,i am sorry ,i was not sooner convinced of it2 but in the rank you hold1 in the manner of living1 nothing can make a lasting impression2 a succession of new objects efface each other so that not one of them remains4 ,you will forget me1 madam1 after having made it impossible for me to imitate you4 ,you have done a great deal to make me unhappy1 to be inexcusable4 ,i joined with her the marechal1 to render the compliment less severe2 for ,i was moreover so sure of him1 that ,i never had a doubt in my mind of the continuation of his friendship4 ,nothing that intimidated me in madam la marechale1 ever for a moment extended to him4 ,i never have had the least mistrust relative to his character1 which ,i knew to be feeble1 but constant4 ,i no more feared a coldness on his part than ,i expected from him an heroic attachment4 ,the simplicity and familiarity of our manners with each other proved how far dependence was reciprocal4 ,we were both always right3 ,i shall ever honor and hold dear the memory of this worthy man1 and1 notwithstanding everything that was done to detach him from me1 ,i am as certain of his having died my friend as if ,i had been present in his last moments4 ,at the second journey to ,montmorency1 in the year #agfj1 the reading of ,eloisa being finished1 ,i had recourse to that of ,emilius1 to support myself in the good graces of ,madam de ,luxembourg2 but this1 whether the subject was less to her taste2 or that so much reading at length fatigued her1 did not succeed so well4 ,however1 as she reproached me with suffering myself to be the dupe of booksellers1 she wished me to leave to her care the printing the work1 that ,i might reap from it a greater advantage4 ,i consented to her doing it1 on the express condition of its not being printed in ,france1 on which we had along dispute2 ,i affirming that it was impossible to obtain1 and even imprudent to solicit1 a tacit permission2 and being unwilling to permit the impression upon any other terms in the kingdom2 she1 that the censor could not make the least difficulty1 according to the system government had adopted4 ,she found means to make ,m4 de ,malesherbes enter into her views4 ,he wrote to me on the subject a long letter with his own hand1 to prove the profession of faith of the ,savoyard vicar to be a composition which must everywhere gain the approbation of its readers and that of the court1 as things were then circumstanced4 ,i was surprised to see this magistrate1 always so prudent1 become so smooth in the business1 as the printing of a book was by that alone legal1 ,i had no longer any objection to make to that of the work4 ,yet1 by an extraordinary scruple1 ,i still required it should be printed in ,holland1 and by the bookseller ,neaulme1 whom1 not satisfied with indicating him1 ,i informed of my wishes1 consenting the edition should be brought out for the profit of a ,french bookseller1 and that as soon as it was ready it should be sold at ,paris1 or wherever else it might be thought proper1 as with this ,i had no manner of concern4 ,this is exactly what was agreed upon between ,madam de ,luxembourg and myself1 after which ,i gave her my manuscript4 ,madam de ,luxembourg was this time accompanied by her granddaughter ,mademoiselle de ,boufflers1 now ,duchess of ,lauzun4 ,her name was ,amelia4 ,she was a charming girl4 ,she really had a maiden beauty1 mildness and timidity4 ,nothing could be more lovely than her person1 nothing more chaste and tender than the sentiments she inspired4 ,she was1 besides1 still a child under eleven years of age4 ,madam de ,luxembourg1 who thought her too timid1 used every endeavor to animate her4 ,she permitted me several times to give her a kiss1 which ,i did with my usual awkwardness4 ,instead of saying flattering things to her1 as any other person would have done1 ,i remained silent and disconcerted1 and ,i know not which of the two1 the little girl or myself1 was most ashamed4 ,illustration3 #jbjb ,i met her one day alone in the staircase of the little castle4 ,she had been to see ,theresa1 with whom her governess still was4 ,not knowing what else to say1 ,i proposed to her a kiss1 which1 in the innocence of her heart1 she did not refuse2 having in the morning received one from me by order of her grandmother1 and in her presence4 ,the next day1 while reading ,emilius by the side of the bed of ,madam de ,luxembourg1 ,i came to a passage in which ,i justly censure that which ,i had done the preceding evening4 ,she thought the reflection extremely just1 and said some very sensible things upon the subject which made me blush4 ,how was ,i enraged at my incredible stupidity1 which has frequently given me the appearance of guilt when ,i was nothing more than a fool and embarrassed6 ,a stupidity1 which in a man known to be endowed with some wit1 is considered as a false excuse4 ,i can safely swear that in this kiss1 as well as in the others1 the heart and thoughts of ,mademoiselle ,amelia were not more pure than my own1 and that if ,i could have avoided meeting her ,i should have done it2 not that ,i had not great pleasure in seeing her1 but from the embarrassment of not finding a word proper to say4 ,whence comes it that even a child can intimidate a man1 whom the power of kings has never inspired with fear8 ,what is to be done8 ,how1 without presence of mind1 am ,i to act8 ,if ,i strive to speak to the persons ,i meet1 ,i certainly say some stupid thing to them2 if ,i remain silent1 ,i am a misanthrope1 an unsociable animal1 a bear4 ,total imbecility would have been more favorable to me2 but the talents which ,i have failed to improve in the world have become the instruments of my destruction1 and of that of the talents ,i possessed4 ,at the latter end of this journey1 ,madam de ,luxembourg did a good action in which ,i had some share4 ,diderot having very imprudently offended the ,princess of ,robeck1 daughter of ,m4 de ,luxembourg1 ,palissot1 whom she protected1 took up the quarrel1 and revenged her by the comedy of ',the ,philosophers'1 in which ,i was ridiculed1 and ,diderot very roughly handled4 ,the author treated me with more gentleness1 less1 ,i am of opinion1 on account of the obligation he was under to me1 than from the fear of displeasing the father of his protectress1 by whom he knew ,i was beloved4 ,the bookseller ,duchesne1 with whom ,i was not at that time acquainted1 sent me the comedy when it was printed1 and this ,i suspect was by the order of ,palissot1 who1 perhaps1 thought ,i should have a pleasure in seeing a man with whom ,i was no longer connected defamed4 ,he was greatly deceived4 ,when ,i broke with ,diderot1 whom ,i thought less ill-natured than weak and indiscreet1 ,i still always preserved for his person an attachment1 an esteem even1 and a respect for our ancient friendship1 which ,i know was for a long time as sincere on his part as on mine4 ,the case was quite different with ,grimm2 a man false by nature1 who never loved me1 who is not even capable of friendship1 and a person who1 without the least subject of complaint1 and solely to satisfy his gloomy jealousy1 became1 under the mask of friendship1 my most cruel calumniator4 ,this man is to me a cipher2 the other will always be my old friend4 ,my very bowels yearned at the sight of this odious piece3 the reading of it was insupportable to me1 and1 without going through the whole1 ,i returned the copy to ,duchesne with the following letter3 ,,montmorency1 #bast1 ,may1 #agfj4 ,in casting my eyes over the piece you sent me1 ,i trembled at seeing myself well spoken of in it4 ,i do not accept the horrid present4 ,i am persuaded that in sending it me1 you did not intend an insult2 but you do not know1 or have forgotten1 that ,i have the honor to be the friend of a respectable man1 who is shamefully defamed and calumniated in this libel4 ,duchense showed the letter4 ,diderot1 upon whom it ought to have had an effect quite contrary1 was vexed at it4 ,his pride could not forgive me the superiority of a generous action1 and ,i was informed his wife everywhere inveighed against me with a bitterness with which ,i was not in the least affected1 as ,i knew she was known to everybody to be a noisy babbler4 ,diderot in his turn found an avenger in the ,abbe ,morrellet1 who wrote against ,palissot a little work1 imitated from the ',petit ,prophete'1 and entitled the ,vision4 ,in this production he very imprudently offended ,madam de ,robeck1 whose friends got him sent to the ,bastile2 though she1 not naturally vindictive1 and at that time in a dying state1 ,i am certain had nothing to do with the affair4 ,d',alembert1 who was very intimately connected with ,morrellet1 wrote me a letter1 desiring ,i would beg of ,madam de ,luxembourg to solicit his liberty1 promising her in return encomiums in the ',encyclopedie'2 my answer to this letter was as follows3 ,i did not wait the receipt of your letter before ,i expressed to ,madam de ,luxembourg the pain the confinement of the ,abbe ,morrellet gave me4 ,she knows my concern1 and shall be made acquainted with yours1 and her knowing that the abbe is a man of merit will be sufficient to make her interest herself in his behalf4 ,however1 although she and the marechal honor me with a benevolence which is my greatest consolation1 and that the name of your friend be to them a recommendation in favor of the ,abbe ,morrellet1 ,i know not how far1 on this occasion1 it may be proper for them to employ the credit attached to the rank they hold1 and the consideration due to their persons4 ,i am not even convinced that the vengeance in question relates to the ,princess ,robeck so much as you seem to imagine2 and were this even the case1 we must not suppose that the pleasure of vengeance belongs to philosophers exclusively1 and that when they choose to become women1 women will become philosophers4 ,i will communicate to you whatever ,madam de ,luxembourg may say to me after having shown her your letter4 ,in the meantime1 ,i think ,i know her well enough to assure you that1 should she have the pleasure of contributing to the enlargement of the ,abbe ,morrellet1 she will not accept the tribute of acknowledgment you promise her in the ,encyclopedie1 although she might think herself honored by it1 because she does not do good in the expectation of praise1 but from the dictates of her heart4 ,i made every effort to excite the zeal and commiseration of ,madam de ,luxembourg in favor of the poor captive1 and succeeded to my wishes4 ,she went to ,versailles on purpose to speak to ,m4 de ,st4 ,florentin1 and this journey shortened the residence at ,montmorency1 which the marechal was obliged to quit at the same time to go to ,rouen1 whither the king sent him as governor of ,normandy1 on account of the motions of the parliament1 which government wished to keep within bounds4 ,madam de ,luxembourg wrote me the following letter the day after her departure3 ,,versailles1 ,wednesday4 ,m4 de ,luxembourg set off yesterday morning at six o'clock4 ,i do not yet know that ,i shall follow him4 ,i wait until he writes to me1 as he is not yet certain of the stay it will be necessary for him to make4 ,i have seen ,m4 de ,st4 ,florentin1 who is as favorably disposed as possible towards the ,abbe ,morrellet2 but he finds some obstacles to his wishes which however1 he is in hopes of removing the first time he has to do business with the king1 which will be next week4 ,i have also desired as a favor that he might not be exiled1 because this was intended2 he was to be sent to ,nancy4 ,this1 sir1 is what ,i have been able to obtain2 but ,i promise you ,i will not let ,m4 de ,st4 ,florentin rest until the affair is terminated in the manner you desire4 ,let me now express to you how sorry ,i am on account of my being obliged to leave you so soon1 of which ,i flatter myself you have not the least doubt4 ,i love you with all my heart1 and shall do so for my whole life4 ,a few days afterwards ,i received the following note from ,d',alembert1 which gave me real joy4 ,august #ast4 ,thanks to your cares1 my dear philosopher1 the abbe has left the ,bastile1 and his imprisonment will have no other consequence4 ,he is setting off for the country1 and1 as well as myself1 returns you a thousand thanks and compliments4 ',vale et me ama'4 ,the abbe also wrote to me a few days afterwards a letter of thanks1 which did not1 in my opinion1 seem to breathe a certain effusion of the heart1 and in which he seemed in some measure to extenuate the service ,i had rendered him4 ,some time afterwards1 ,i found that he and ,d',alembert had1 to a certain degree1 ,i will not say supplanted1 but succeeded me in the good graces of ,madam de ,luxembourg1 and that ,i had lost in them all they had gained4 ,however1 ,i am far from suspecting the ,abbe ,morrellet of having contributed to my disgrace2 ,i have too much esteem for him to harbor any such suspicion4 ,with respect to ,d',alembert1 ,i shall at present leave him out of the question1 and hereafter say of him what may seem necessary4 ,i had1 at the same time1 another affair which occasioned the last letter ,i wrote to ,voltaire2 a letter against which he vehemently exclaimed1 as an abominable insult1 although he never showed it to any person4 ,i will here supply the want of that which he refused to do4 ,the ,abbe ,trublet1 with whom ,i had a slight acquaintance1 but whom ,i had but seldom seen1 wrote to me on the #acth of ,june1 #agfj1 informing me that ,m4 ,formey1 his friend and correspondent1 had printed in his journal my letter to ,voltaire upon the disaster at ,lisbon4 ,the abbe wished to know how the letter came to be printed1 and in his jesuitical manner1 asked me my opinion1 without giving me his own on the necessity of reprinting it4 ,as ,i most sovereignly hate this kind of artifice and strategem1 ,i returned such thanks as were proper1 but in a manner so reserved as to make him feel it1 although this did not prevent him from wheedling me in two or three other letters until he had gathered all he wished to know4 ,i clearly understood that1 not withstanding all ,trublet could say1 ,formey had not found the letter printed1 and that the first impression of it came from himself4 ,i knew him to be an impudent pilferer1 who1 without ceremony1 made himself a revenue by the works of others4 ,although he had not yet had the incredible effrontery to take from a book already published the name of the author1 to put his own in the place of it1 and to sell the book for his own profit4 ,in this manner he afterwards appropriated to himself ,emilius4 ,but by what means had this manuscript fallen into his hands8 ,that was a question not easy to resolve1 but by which ,i had the weakness to be embarrassed4 ,although ,voltaire was excessively honored by the letter1 as in fact1 notwithstanding his rude proceedings1 he would have had a right to complain had ,i had it printed without his consent1 ,i resolved to write to him upon the subject4 ,the second letter was as follows1 to which he returned no answer1 and giving greater scope to his brutality1 he feigned to be irritated to fury4 ,,montmorency1 #agth ,june1 #agfj4 ,i did not think1 sir1 ,i should ever have occasion to correspond with you4 ,but learning the letter ,i wrote to you in #agef had been printed at ,berlin1 ,i owe you an account of my conduct in that respect1 and will fulfil this duty with truth and simplicity4 ,the letter having really been addressed to you was not intended to be printed4 ,i communicated the contents of it1 on certain conditions1 to three persons1 to whom the right of friendship did not permit me to refuse anything of the kind1 and whom the same rights still less permitted to abuse my confidence by betraying their promise4 ,these persons are ,madam de ,chenonceaux1 daughter-in-law to ,madam ,dupin1 the ,comtesse d',houdetot1 and a ,german of the name of ,grimm4 ,madam de ,chenonceaux was desirous the letter should be printed1 and asked my consent4 ,i told her that depended upon yours4 ,this was asked of you which you refused1 and the matter dropped4 ,however1 the ,abbe ,trublet1 with whom ,i have not the least connection1 has just written to me from a motive of the most polite attention that having received the papers of the journal of ,m4 ,formey1 he found in them this same letter with an advertisement1 dated on the #bc;d of ,october1 #agei1 in which the editor states that he had a few weeks before found it in the shops of the booksellers of ,berlin1 and1 as it is one of those loose sheets which shortly disappear1 he thought proper to give it a place in his journal4 ,this1 sir1 is all ,i know of the matter4 ,it is certain the letter had not until lately been heard of at ,paris4 ,it is also as certain that the copy1 either in manuscript or print1 fallen into the hands of ,m4 de ,formey1 could never have reached them except by your means 7which is not probable7 or of those of one of the three persons ,i have mentioned4 ,finally1 it is well known the two ladies are incapable of such a perfidy4 ,i cannot1 in my retirement learn more relative to the affair4 ,you have a correspondence by means of which you may1 if you think it worth the trouble1 go back to the source and verify the fact4 ,in the same letter the ,abbe ,trublet informs me that he keeps the paper in reserve1 and will not lend it without my consent1 which most assuredly ,i will not give4 ,but it is possible this copy may not be the only one in ,paris4 ,i wish1 sir1 the letter may not be printed there1 and ,i will do all in my power to prevent this from happening2 but if ,i cannot succeed1 and that1 timely perceiving it1 ,i can have the preference1 ,i will not then hesitate to have it immediately printed4 ,this to me appears just and natural4 ,with respect to your answer to the same letter1 it has not been communicated to anyone1 and you may be assured it shall not be printed without your consent1 which ,i certainly shall not be indiscreet enough to ask of you1 well knowing that what one man writes to another is not written to the public4 ,but should you choose to write one you wish to have published1 and address it to me1 ,i promise you faithfully to add to it my letter and not to make to it a single word of reply4 ,i love you not1 sir2 you have done me1 your disciple and enthusiastic admirer2 injuries which might have caused me the most exquisite pain4 ,you have ruined ,geneva1 in return for the asylum it has afforded you2 you have alienated from me my fellow-citizens1 in return for eulogiums ,i made of you amongst them2 it is you who render to me the residence of my own country insupportable2 it is you who will oblige me to die in a foreign land1 deprived of all the consolations usually administered to a dying person2 and cause me1 instead of receiving funeral rites1 to be thrown to the dogs1 whilst all the honors a man can expect will accompany you in my country4 ,finally ,i hate you because you have been desirous ,i should2 but ,i hate you as a man more worthy of loving you had you chosen it4 ,of all the sentiments with which my heart was penetrated for you1 admiration1 which cannot be refused your fine genius1 and a partiality to your writings1 are those you have not effaced4 ,if ,i can honor nothing in you except your talents1 the fault is not mine4 ,i shall never be wanting in the respect due to them1 nor in that which this respect requires4 ,in the midst of these little literary cavillings1 which still fortified my resolution1 ,i received the greatest honor letters ever acquired me1 and of which ,i was the most sensible1 in the two visits the ,prince of ,conti deigned to make to me1 one at the ,little ,castle and the other at ,mont ,louis4 ,he chose the time for both of these when ,m4 de ,luxembourg was not at ,montmorency1 in order to render it more manifest that he came there solely on my account4 ,i have never had a doubt of my owing the first condescensions of this prince to ,madam de ,luxembourg and ,madam de ,boufflers2 but ,i am of opinion ,i owe to his own sentiments and to myself those with which he has since that time continually honored me4 ,remark the perseverance of this blind and stupid confidence in the midst of all the treatment which should soonest have undeceived me4 ,it continued until my return to ,paris in #aggj4 ,my apartments at ,mont ,louis being small1 and the situation of the alcove charming1 ,i conducted the prince to it1 where1 to complete the condescension he was pleased to show me1 he chose ,i should have the honor of playing with him a game of chess4 ,i knew he beat the ,chevalier de ,lorenzy1 who played better than ,i did4 ,however1 notwithstanding the signs and grimace of the chevalier and the spectators1 which ,i feigned not to see1 ,i won the two games we played3 ,when they were ended1 ,i said to him in a respectful but very grave manner3 ,my lord1 ,i honor your serene highness too much not to beat you always at chess4 ,this great prince1 who had real wit1 sense1 and knowledge1 and so was worthy not to be treated with mean adulation1 felt in fact1 at least ,i think so1 that ,i was the only person present who treated him like a man1 and ,i have every reason to believe he was not displeased with me for it4 ,had this even been the case1 ,i should not have reproached myself with having been unwilling to deceive him in anything1 and ,i certainly cannot do it with having in my heart made an ill return for his goodness1 but solely with having sometimes done it with an ill grace1 whilst he himself accompanied with infinite gracefulness the manner in which he showed me the marks of it4 ,a few days afterwards he ordered a hamper of game to be sent me1 which ,i received as ,i ought4 ,this in a little time was succeeded by another1 and one of his gamekeepers wrote me1 by order of his highness1 that the game it contained had been shot by the prince himself4 ,i received this second hamper1 but ,i wrote to ,madam de ,boufflers that ,i would not receive a third4 ,this letter was generally blamed1 and deservedly so4 ,refusing to accept presents of game from a prince of the blood1 who moreover sends it in so polite a manner1 is less the delicacy of a haughty man1 who wishes to preserve his independence1 than the rusticity of a clown1 who does not know himself4 ,i have never read this letter in my collection without blushing and reproaching myself for having written it4 ,but ,i have not undertaken my ,confession with an intention of concealing my faults1 and that of which ,i have just spoken is too shocking in my own eyes to suffer me to pass it over in silence4 ,if ,i were not guilty of the offence of becoming his rival ,i was very near doing it2 for ,madam de ,boufflers was still his mistress1 and ,i knew nothing of the matter4 ,she came rather frequently to see me with the ,chevalier de ,lorenzy4 ,she was yet young and beautiful1 affected to be whimsical1 and my mind was always romantic1 which was much of the same nature4 ,i was near being laid hold of2 ,i believe she perceived it2 the chevalier saw it also1 at least he spoke to me upon the subject1 and in a manner not discouraging4 ,but ,i was this time reasonable1 and at the age of fifty it was time ,i should be so4 ,full of the doctrine ,i had just preached to graybeards in my letter to ,d',alembert1 ,i should have been ashamed of not profiting by it myself2 besides1 coming to the knowledge of that of which ,i had been ignorant1 ,i must have been mad to have carried my pretensions so far as to expose myself to such an illustrious rivalry4 ,finally1 ill cured perhaps of my passion for ,madam de ,houdetot1 ,i felt nothing could replace it in my heart1 and ,i bade adieu to love for the rest of my life4 ,i have this moment just withstood the dangerous allurements of a young woman who had her views2 and if she feigned to forget my twelve lustres ,i remember them4 ,after having thus withdrawn myself from danger1 ,i am no longer afraid of a fall1 and ,i answer for myself for the rest of my days4 ,madam de ,boufflers1 perceiving the emotion she caused in me1 might also observe ,i had triumphed over it4 ,i am neither mad nor vain enough to believe ,i was at my age capable of inspiring her with the same feelings2 but1 from certain words which she let drop to ,theresa1 ,i thought ,i had inspired her with a curiosity2 if this be the case1 and that she has not forgiven me the disappointment she met with1 it must be confessed ,i was born to be the victim of my weaknesses1 since triumphant love was so prejudicial to me1 and love triumphed over not less so4 ,here finishes the collection of letters which has served me as a guide in the last two books4 ,my steps will in future be directed by memory only2 but this is of such a nature1 relative to the period to which ,i am now come1 and the strong impression of objects has remained so perfectly upon my mind1 that lost in the immense sea of my misfortunes1 ,i cannot forget the detail of my first shipwreck1 although the consequences present to me but a confused remembrance4 ,i therefore shall be able to proceed in the succeeding book with sufficient confidence4 ,if ,i go further it will be groping in the dark4 ,,book ,,xi4 ,although ,eloisa1 which for a long time had been in the press1 did not yet1 at the end of the year1 #agfj1 appear1 the work already began to make a great noise4 ,madam de ,luxembourg had spoken of it at court1 and ,madam de ,houdetot at ,paris4 ,the latter had obtained from me permission for ,saint ,lambert to read the manuscript to the ,king of ,poland1 who had been delighted with it4 ,duclos1 to whom ,i had also given the perusal of the work1 had spoken of it at the academy4 ,all ,paris was impatient to see the novel2 the booksellers of the ,rue ,saint ,jacques1 and that of the ,palais ,royal1 were beset with people who came to inquire when it was to be published4 ,it was at length brought out1 and the success it had1 answered1 contrary to custom1 to the impatience with which it had been expected4 ,the dauphiness1 who was one of the first who read it1 spoke of it to ,m4 de ,luxembourg as a ravishing performance4 ,the opinions of men of letters differed from each other1 but in those of any other class approbation was general1 especially with the women1 who became so intoxicated with the book and the author1 that there was not one in high life with whom ,i might not have succeeded had ,i undertaken to do it4 ,of this ,i have such proofs as ,i will not commit to paper1 and which without the aid of experience1 authorized my opinion4 ,it is singular that the book should have succeeded better in ,france than in the rest of ,europe1 although the ,french1 both men and women1 are severely treated in it4 ,contrary to my expectation it was least successful in ,switzerland1 and most so in ,paris4 ,do friendship1 love and virtue reign in this capital more than elsewhere8 ,certainly not2 but there reigns in it an exquisite sensibility which transports the heart to their image1 and makes us cherish in others the pure1 tender and virtuous sentiments we no longer possess4 ,corruption is everywhere the same2 virtue and morality no longer exist in ,europe2 but if the least love of them still remains1 it is in ,paris that this will be found4--,i wrote this in #agfi4 ,in the midst of so many prejudices and feigned passions1 the real sentiments of nature are not to be distinguished from others1 unless we well know to analyze the human heart4 ,a very nice discrimination1 not to be acquired except by the education of the world1 is necessary to feel the finesses of the heart1 if ,i dare use the expression1 with which this work abounds4 ,i do not hesitate to place the fourth part of it upon an equality with the ,princess of ,cleves2 nor to assert that had these two works been read nowhere but in the provinces1 their merit would never have been discovered4 ,it must not1 therefore1 be considered as a matter of astonishment1 that the greatest success of my work was at court4 ,it abounds with lively but veiled touches of the pencil1 which could not but give pleasure there1 because the persons who frequent it are more accustomed than others to discover them4 ,a distinction must1 however1 be made4 ,the work is by no means proper for the species of men of wit who have nothing but cunning1 who possess no other kind of discernment than that which penetrates evil1 and see nothing where good only is to be found4 ,if1 for instance1 ,eloisa had been published in a certain country1 ,i am convinced it would not have been read through by a single person1 and the work would have been stifled in its birth4 ,i have collected most of the letters written to me on the subject of this publication1 and deposited them1 tied up together1 in the hands of ,madam de ,nadillac4 ,should this collection ever be given to the world1 very singular things will be seen1 and an opposition of opinion1 which shows what it is to have to do with the public4 ,the thing least kept in view1 and which will ever distinguish it from every other work1 is the simplicity of the subject and the continuation of the interest1 which1 confined to three persons1 is kept up throughout six volumes1 without episode1 romantic adventure1 or anything malicious either in the persons or actions4 ,diderot complimented ,richardson on the prodigious variety of his portraits and the multiplicity of his persons4 ,in fact1 ,richardson has the merit of having well characterized them all2 but with respect to their number1 he has that in common with the most insipid writers of novels who attempt to make up for the sterility of their ideas by multiplying persons and adventures4 ,it is easy to awaken the attention by incessantly presenting unheard of adventures and new faces1 which pass before the imagination as the figures in a magic lanthorn do before the eye2 but to keep up that attention to the same objects1 and without the aid of the wonderful1 is certainly more difficult2 and if1 everything else being equal1 the simplicity of the subject adds to the beauty of the work1 the novels of ,richardson1 superior in so many other respects1 cannot in this be compared to mine4 ,i know it is already forgotten1 and the cause of its being so2 but it will be taken up again4 ,all my fear was that1 by an extreme simplicity1 the narrative would be fatiguing1 and that it was not sufficiently interesting to engage the attention throughout the whole4 ,i was relieved from this apprehension by a circumstance which alone was more flattering to my pride than all the compliments made me upon the work4 ,it appeared at the beginning of the carnival2 a hawker carried it to the ,princess of ,talmont--,it was not the princess1 but some other lady1 whose name ,i do not know4--on the evening of a ball night at the opera4 ,after supper the ,princess dressed herself for the ball1 and until the hour of going there1 took up the new novel4 ,at midnight she ordered the horses to be put into the carriage1 and continued to read4 ,the servant returned to tell her the horses were put to2 she made no answer4 ,her people perceiving she forgot herself1 came to tell her it was two o'clock4 ,there is yet no hurry1 replied the princess1 still reading on4 ,some time afterwards1 her watch having stopped1 she rang to know the hour4 ,she was told it was four o'clock4 ,that being the case1 she said1 it is too late to go to the ball2 let the horses be taken off4 ,she undressed herself and passed the rest of the night in reading4 ,ever since ,i came to the knowledge of this circumstance1 ,i have had a constant desire to see the lady1 not only to know from herself whether or not what ,i have related be exactly true1 but because ,i have always thought it impossible to be interested in so lively a manner in the happiness of ,julia1 without having that sixth and moral sense with which so few hearts are endowed1 and without which no person whatever can understand the sentiments of mine4 ,what rendered the women so favorable to me was1 their being persuaded that ,i had written my own history1 and was myself the hero of the romance4 ,this opinion was so firmly established1 that ,madam de ,polignac wrote to ,madam de ,verdelin1 begging she would prevail upon me to show her the portrait of ,julia4 ,everybody thought it was impossible so strongly to express sentiments without having felt them1 or thus to describe the transports of love1 unless immediately from the feelings of the heart4 ,this was true1 and ,i certainly wrote the novel during the time my imagination was inflamed to ecstasy2 but they who thought real objects necessary to this effect were deceived1 and far from conceiving to what a degree ,i can at will produce it for imaginary beings4 ,without ,madam d',houdetot1 and the recollection of a few circumstances in my youth1 the amours ,i have felt and described would have been with fairy nymphs4 ,i was unwilling either to confirm or destroy an error which was advantageous to me4 ,the reader may see in the preface a dialogue1 which ,i had printed separately1 in what manner ,i left the public in suspense4 ,rigorous people say1 ,i ought to have explicity declared the truth4 ,for my part ,i see no reason for this1 nor anything that could oblige me to it1 and am of opinion there would have been more folly than candor in the declaration without necessity4 ,much about the same time the ',paix ,perpetuelle' made its appearance1 of this ,i had the year before given the manuscript to a certain ,m4 de ,bastide1 the author of a journal called ,le ,monde1 into which he would at all events cram all my manuscripts4 ,he was known to ,m4 ,duclos1 and came in his name to beg ,i would help him to fill the ,monde4 ,he had heard speak of ,eloisa1 and would have me put this into his journal2 he was also desirous of making the same use of ,emilius2 he would have asked me for the ,social ,contract for the same purpose1 had he suspected it to be written4 ,at length1 fatigued with his importunities1 ,i resolved upon letting him have the ,paix ,perpetuelle1 which ,i gave him for twelve louis4 ,our agreement was1 that he should print it in his journal2 but as soon as he became the proprietor of the manuscript1 he thought proper to print it separately1 with a few retrenchments1 which the censor required him to make4 ,what would have happened had ,i joined to the work my opinion of it1 which fortunately ,i did not communicate to ,m4 de ,bastide1 nor was it comprehended in our agreement8 ,this remains still in manuscript amongst my papers4 ,if ever it be made public1 the world will see how much the pleasantries and self-sufficient manner of ,m4 de ,voltaire on the subject must have made me1 who was so well acquainted with the short-sightedness of this poor man in political matters1 of which he took it into his head to speak1 shake my sides with laughter4 ,in the midst of my success with the women and the public1 ,i felt ,i lost ground at the ,hotel de ,luxembourg1 not with the marechal1 whose goodness to me seemed daily to increase1 but with his lady4 ,since ,i had had nothing more to read to her1 the door of her apartment was not so frequently open to me1 and during her stay at ,montmorency1 although ,i regularly presented myself1 ,i seldom saw her except at table4 ,my place even there was not distinctly marked out as usual4 ,as she no longer offered me that by her side1 and spoke to me but seldom1 not having on my part much to say to her1 ,i was well satisfied with another1 where ,i was more at my ease1 especially in the evening2 for ,i mechanically contracted the habit of placing myself nearer and nearer to the marechal4 ,apropos of the evening3 ,i recollect having said ,i did not sup at the castle1 and this was true1 at the beginning of my acquaintance there2 but as ,m4 de ,luxembourg did not dine1 nor even sit down to table1 it happened that ,i was for several months1 and already very familiar in the family1 without ever having eaten with him4 ,this he had the goodness to remark1 upon which ,i determined to sup there from time to time1 when the company was not numerous2 ,i did so1 and found the suppers very agreeable1 as the dinners were taken almost standing2 whereas the former were long1 everybody remaining seated with pleasure after a long walk2 and very good and agreeable1 because ,m4 de ,luxembourg loved good eating1 and the honors of them were done in a charming manner by madam de marechale4 ,without this explanation it would be difficult to understand the end of a letter from ,m4 de ,luxembourg1 in which he says he recollects our walks with the greatest pleasure2 especially1 adds he1 when in the evening we entered the court and did not find there the traces of carriages4 ,the rake being every morning drawn over the gravel to efface the marks left by the coach wheels1 ,i judged by the number of ruts of that of the persons who had arrived in the afternoon4 ,this year1 #agfa1 completed the heavy losses this good man had suffered since ,i had had the honor of being known to him4 ,as if it had been ordained that the evils prepared for me by destiny should begin by the man to whom ,i was most attached1 and who was the most worthy of esteem4 ,the first year he lost his sister1 the ,duchess of ,villeroy2 the second1 his daughter1 the ,princess of ,robeck2 the third1 he lost in the ,duke of ,montmorency his only son2 and in the ,comte de ,luxembourg1 his grandson1 the last two supporters of the branch of which he was1 and of his name4 ,he supported all these losses with apparent courage1 but his heart incessantly bled in secret during the rest of his life1 and his health was ever after upon the decline4 ,the unexpected and tragical death of his son must have afflicted him the more1 as it happened immediately after the king had granted him for his child1 and given him the promise for his grandson1 the reversion of the commission he himself then held of the captain of the ,gardes de ,corps4 ,he had the mortification to see the last1 a most promising young man1 perish by degrees from the blind confidence of the mother in the physician1 who giving the unhappy youth medicines for food1 suffered him to die of inanition4 ,alas6 had my advice been taken1 the grandfather and the grandson would both still have been alive4 ,what did not ,i say and write to the marechal1 what remonstrances did ,i make to ,madam de ,montmorency1 upon the more than severe regimen1 which1 upon the faith of physicians1 she made her son observe6 ,madam de ,luxembourg1 who thought as ,i did1 would not usurp the authority of the mother2 ,m4 de ,luxembourg1 a man of mild and easy character1 did not like to contradict her4 ,madam de ,montmorency had in ,borden a confidence to which her son at length became a victim4 ,how delighted was the poor creature when he could obtain permission to come to ,mont ,louis with ,madam de ,boufflers1 to ask ,theresa for some victuals for his famished stomach6 ,how did ,i secretly deplore the miseries of greatness in seeing this only heir to a immense fortune1 a great name1 and so many dignified titles1 devour with the greediness of a beggar a wretched morsel of bread6 ,at length1 notwithstanding all ,i could say and do1 the physician triumphed1 and the child died of hunger4 ,the same confidence in quacks1 which destroyed the grandson1 hastened the dissolution of the grandfather1 and to this he added the pusillanimity of wishing to dissimulate the infirmities of age4 ,m4 de ,luxembourg had at intervals a pain in the great toe2 he was seized with it at ,montmorency1 which deprived him of sleep1 and brought on slight fever4 ,i had courage enough to pronounce the word gout4 ,madam de ,luxembourg gave me a reprimand4 ,the surgeon1 valet de chambre of the marechal1 maintained it was not the gout1 and dressed the suffering part with beaume tranquille4 ,unfortunately the pain subsided1 and when it returned the same remedy was had recourse to4 ,the constitution of the marechal was weakened1 and his disorder increased1 as did his remedies in the same proportion4 ,madam de ,luxembourg1 who at length perceived the primary disorder to be the gout1 objected to the dangerous manner of treating it4 ,things were afterwards concealed from her1 and ,m4 de ,luxembourg in a few years lost his life in consequence of his obstinate adherence to what he imagined to be a method of cure4 ,but let me not anticipate misfortune3 how many others have ,i to relate before ,i come to this6 ,it is singular with what fatality everything ,i could say and do seemed of a nature to displease ,madam de ,luxembourg1 even when ,i had it most at heart to preserve her friendship4 ,the repeated afflictions which fell upon ,m4 de ,luxembourg still attached me to him the more1 and consequently to ,madam de ,luxembourg2 for they always seemed to me to be so sincerely united1 that the sentiments in favor of the one necessarily extended to the other4 ,the marechal grew old4 ,his assiduity at court1 the cares this brought on1 continually hunting1 fatigue1 and especially that of the service during the quarter he was in waiting1 required the vigor of a young man1 and ,i did not perceive anything that could support his in that course of life2 since1 besides after his death1 his dignities were to be dispersed and his name extinct1 it was by no means necessary for him to continue a laborious life of which the principal object had been to dispose the prince favorably to his children4 ,one day when we three were together1 and he complained of the fatigues of the court1 as a man who had been discouraged by his losses1 ,i took the liberty to speak of retirement1 and to give him the advice ,cyneas gave to ,pyrrhus4 ,he sighed1 and returned no positive answer4 ,but the moment ,madam de ,luxembourg found me alone she reprimanded me severely for what ,i had said1 at which she seemed to be alarmed4 ,she made a remark of which ,i so strongly felt the justness that ,i determined never again to touch upon the subject3 this was1 that the long habit of living at court made that life necessary1 that it was become a matter of amusement for ,m4 de ,luxembourg1 and that the retirement ,i proposed to him would be less a relaxation from care than an exile1 in which inactivity1 weariness and melancholy would soon put an end to his existence4 ,although she must have perceived ,i was convinced1 and ought to have relied upon the promise ,i made her1 and which ,i faithfully kept1 she still seemed to doubt of it2 and ,i recollect that the conversations ,i afterwards had with the marechal were less frequent and almost always interrupted4 ,whilst my stupidity and awkwardness injured me in her opinion1 persons whom she frequently saw and most loved1 were far from being disposed to aid me in gaining what ,i had lost4 ,the ,abbe de ,boufflers especially1 a young man as lofty as it was possible for a man to be1 never seemed well disposed towards me2 and besides his being the only person of the society of ,madam de ,luxembourg who never showed me the least attention1 ,i thought ,i perceived ,i lost something with her every time he came to the castle4 ,it is true that without his wishing this to be the case1 his presence alone was sufficient to produce the effect2 so much did his graceful and elegant manner render still more dull my stupid propositi4 ,during the first two years he seldom came to ,montmorency1 and by the indulgence of ,madam de ,luxembourg ,i had tolerably supported myself1 but as soon as his visits began to be regular ,i was irretrievably lost4 ,i wished to take refuge under his wing1 and gain his friendship2 but the same awkwardness which made it necessary ,i should please him prevented me from succeeding in the attempt ,i made to do it1 and what ,i did with that intention entirely lost me with ,madam de ,luxembourg1 without being of the least service to me with the abbe4 ,with his understanding he might have succeeded in anything1 but the impossibility of applying himself1 and his turn for dissipation1 prevented his acquiring a perfect knowledge of any subject4 ,his talents are however various1 and this is sufficient for the circles in which he wishes to distinguish himself4 ,he writes light poetry and fashionable letters1 strums on the cithern1 and pretends to draw with crayon4 ,he took it into his head to attempt the portrait of ,madam de ,luxembourg2 the sketch he produced was horrid4 ,she said it did not in the least resemble her and this was true4 ,the traitorous abbe consulted me1 and ,i like a fool and a liar1 said there was a likeness4 ,i wished to flatter the abbe1 but ,i did not please the lady who noted down what ,i had said1 and the abbe1 having obtained what he wanted1 laughed at me in his turn4 ,i perceived by the ill success of this my late beginning the necessity of making another attempt to flatter 'invita ,minerva'4 ,my talent was that of telling men useful but severe truths with energy and courage2 to this it was necessary to confine myself4 ,not only ,i was not born to flatter1 but ,i knew not how to commend4 ,the awkwardness of the manner in which ,i have sometimes bestowed eulogium has done me more harm than the severity of my censure4 ,of this ,i have to adduce one terrible instance1 the consequences of which have not only fixed my fate for the rest of my life1 but will perhaps decide on my reputation throughout all posterity4 ,during the residence of ,m4 de ,luxembourg at ,montmorency1 ,m4 de ,choiseul sometimes came to supper at the castle4 ,he arrived there one day after ,i had left it4 ,my name was mentioned1 and ,m4 de ,luxembourg related to him what had happened at ,venice between me and ,m4 de ,montaigu4 ,m4 de ,choiseul said it was a pity ,i had quitted that track1 and that if ,i chose to enter it again he would most willingly give me employment4 ,m4 de ,luxembourg told me what had passed4 ,of this ,i was the more sensible as ,i was not accustomed to be spoiled by ministers1 and had ,i been in a better state of health it is not certain that ,i should not have been guilty of a new folly4 ,ambition never had power over my mind except during the short intervals in which every other passion left me at liberty2 but one of these intervals would have been sufficient to determine me4 ,this good intention of ,m4 de ,choiseul gained him my attachment and increased the esteem which1 in consequence of some operations in his administration1 ,i had conceived for his talents2 and the family compact in particular had appeared to me to evince a statesman of the first order4 ,he moreover gained ground in my estimation by the little respect ,i entertained for his predecessors1 not even excepting ,madam de ,pompadour1 whom ,i considered as a species of prime minister1 and when it was reported that one of these two would expel the other1 ,i thought ,i offered up prayers for the honor of ,france when ,i wished that ,m4 de ,choiseul might triumph4 ,i had always felt an antipathy to ,madam de ,pompadour1 even before her preferment2 ,i had seen her with ,madam de la ,popliniere when her name was still ,madam d',etioles4 ,i was afterwards dissatisfied with her silence on the subject of ,diderot1 and with her proceedings relative to myself1 as well on the subject of the ',muses ,galantes'1 as on that of the ',devin du ,village'1 which had not in any manner produced me advantages proportioned to its success2 and on all occasions ,i had found her but little disposed to serve me4 ,this however did not prevent the ,chevalier de ,lorenzy from proposing to me to write something in praise of that lady1 insinuating that ,i might acquire some advantage by it4 ,the proposition excited my indignation1 the more as ,i perceived it did not come from himself1 knowing that1 passive as he was1 he thought and acted according to the impulsion he received4 ,i am so little accustomed to constraint that it was impossible for me to conceal from him my disdain1 nor from anybody the moderate opinion ,i had of the favorite2 this ,i am sure she knew1 and thus my own interest was added to my natural inclination in the wishes ,i formed for ,m4 de ,choiseul4 ,having a great esteem for his talents1 which was all ,i knew of him1 full of gratitude for his kind intentions1 and moreover unacquainted in my retirement with his taste and manner of living1 ,i already considered him as the avenger of the public and myself2 and being at that time writing the conclusion of my ,social ,contract1 ,i stated in it1 in a single passage1 what ,i thought of preceding ministers1 and of him by whom they began to be eclipsed4 ,on this occasion ,i acted contrary to my most constant maxim2 and besides1 ,i did not recollect that1 in bestowing praise and strongly censuring in the same article1 without naming the persons1 the language must be so appropriated to those to whom it is applicable1 that the most ticklish pride cannot find in it the least thing equivocal4 ,i was in this respect in such an imprudent security1 that ,i never once thought it was possible any one should make a false application4 ,it will soon appear whether or not ,i was right4 ,one of my misfortunes was always to be connected with some female author4 ,this ,i thought ,i might avoid amongst the great4 ,i was deceived2 it still pursued me4 ,madam de ,luxembourg was not1 however2 at least that ,i know of1 attacked with the mania of writing2 but ,madam de ,boufflers was4 ,she wrote a tragedy in prose1 which1 in the first place1 was read1 handed about1 and highly spoken of in the society of the ,prince ,conti1 and upon which1 not satisfied with the encomiums she received1 she would absolutely consult me for the purpose of having mine4 ,this she obtained1 but with that moderation which the work deserved4 ,she besides had with it the information ,i thought it my duty to give her1 that her piece1 entitled ',l',esclave ,genereux'1 greatly resembled the ,english tragedy of ',oroonoko'1 but little known in ,france1 although translated into the ,french language4 ,madam de ,bouffiers thanked me for the remark1 but1 however1 assured me there was not the least resemblance between her piece and the other4 ,i never spoke of the plagiarisms except to herself1 and ,i did it to discharge a duty she had imposed on me2 but this has not since prevented me from frequently recollecting the consequences of the sincerity of ,gil ,blas to the preaching archbishop4 ,besides the ,abbe de ,bouffiers1 by whom ,i was not beloved1 and ,madam de ,bouffiers1 in whose opinion ,i was guilty of that which neither women nor authors ever pardon1 the other friends of ,madam de ,luxembourg never seemed much disposed to become mine1 particularly the ,president ,henault1 who1 enrolled amongst authors1 was not exempt from their weaknesses2 also ,madam du ,deffand1 and ,mademoiselle de ,lespinasse1 both intimate with ,voltaire and the friends of ,d',alembert1 with whom the latter at length lived1 however upon an honorable footing1 for it cannot be understood ,i mean otherwise4 ,i first began to interest myself for ,madam du ,deffand1 whom the loss of her eyes made an object of commiseration in mine2 but her manner of living so contrary to my own1 that her hour of going to bed was almost mine for rising2 her unbounded passion for low wit1 the importance she gave to every kind of printed trash1 either complimentary or abusive1 the despotism and transports of her oracles1 her excessive admiration or dislike of everything1 which did not permit her to speak upon any subject without convulsions1 her inconceivable prejudices1 invincible obstinacy1 and the enthusiasm of folly to which this carried her in her passionate judgments2 all disgusted me and diminished the attention ,i wished to pay her4 ,i neglected her and she perceived it2 this was enough to set her in a rage1 and1 although ,i was sufficiently aware how much a woman of her character was to be feared1 ,i preferred exposing myself to the scourge of her hatred rather than to that of her friendship4 ,my having so few friends in the society of ,madam de ,luxembourg would not have been in the least dangerous had ,i had no enemies in the family4 ,of these ,i had but one1 who1 in my then situation1 was as powerful as a hundred4 ,it certainly was not ,m4 de ,villeroy1 her brother2 for he not only came to see me1 but had several times invited me to ,villeroy2 and as ,i had answered to the invitation with all possible politeness and respect1 he had taken my vague manner of doing it as a consent1 and arranged with ,madam de ,luxembourg a journey of a fortnight1 in which it was proposed to me to make one of the party4 ,as the cares my health then required did not permit me to go from home without risk1 ,i prayed ,madam de ,luxembourg to have the goodness to make my apologies4 ,her answer proves this was done with all possible ease1 and ,m4 de ,villeroy still continued to show me his usual marks of goodness4 ,his nephew and heir1 the young ,marquis of ,villeroy1 had not for me the same benevolence1 nor had ,i for him the respect ,i had for his uncle4 ,his harebrained manner rendered him insupportable to me1 and my coldness drew upon me his aversion4 ,he insultingly attacked me one evening at table1 and ,i had the worst of it because ,i am a fool1 without presence of mind2 and because anger1 instead of rendering my wit more poignant1 deprives me of the little ,i have4 ,i had a dog which had been given me when he was quite young1 soon after my arrival at the ,hermitage1 and which ,i had called ,duke4 ,this dog1 not handsome1 but rare of his kind1 of which ,i had made my companion and friend1 a title which he certainly merited much more than most of the persons by whom it was taken1 became in great request at the castle of ,montmorency for his good nature and fondness1 and the attachment we had for each other2 but from a foolish pusillanimity ,i had changed his name to ,turk1 as if there were not many dogs called ,marquis1 without giving the least offence to any marquis whatsoever4 ,the ,marquis of ,villeroy1 who knew of the change of name1 attacked me in such a manner that ,i was obliged openly at table to relate what ,i had done4 ,whatever there might be offensive in the name of duke1 it was not in my having given but in my having taken it away4 ,the worst of it all was1 there were many dukes present1 amongst others ,m4 de ,luxembourg and his son2 and the ,marquis de ,villeroy1 who was one day to have1 and now has the title1 enjoyed in the most cruel manner the embarrassment into which he had thrown me4 ,i was told the next day his aunt had severely reprimanded him1 and it may be judged whether or not1 supposing her to have been serious1 this put me upon better terms with him4 ,to enable me to support his enmity ,i had no person1 neither at the ,hotel de ,luxembourg nor at the ,temple1 except the ,chevalier de ,lorenzy1 who professed himself my friend2 but he was more that of ,d',alembert1 under whose protection he passed with women for a great geometrician4 ,he was moreover the cicisbeo1 or rather the complaisant chevalier of the ,countess of ,boufflers1 a great friend also to ,d',alembert1 and the ,chevalier de ,lorenzy was the most passive instrument in her hands4 ,thus1 far from having in that circle any counter-balance to my inaptitude1 to keep me in the good graces of ,madam de ,luxembourg1 everybody who approached her seemed to concur in injuring me in her good opinion4 ,yet1 besides ,emilius1 with which she charged herself1 she gave me at the same time another mark of her benevolence1 which made me imagine that1 although wearied with my conversation1 she would still preserve for me the friendship she had so many times promised me for life4 ,as soon as ,i thought ,i could depend upon this1 ,i began to ease my heart1 by confessing to her all my faults1 having made it an inviolable maxim to show myself to my friends such as ,i really was1 neither better nor worse4 ,i had declared to her my connection with ,theresa1 and everything that had resulted from it1 without concealing the manner in which ,i had disposed of my children4 ,she had received my confessions favorably1 and even too much so1 since she spared me the censures ,i so much merited2 and what made the greatest impression upon me was her goodness to ,theresa1 making her presents1 sending for her1 and begging her to come and see her1 receiving her with caresses1 and often embracing her in public4 ,this poor girl was in transports of joy and gratitude1 of which ,i certainly partook2 the friendship ,madam de ,luxembourg showed me in her condescensions to ,theresa affected me much more than if they had been made immediately to myself4 ,things remained in this state for a considerable time2 but at length ,madam de ,luxembourg carried her goodness so far as to have a desire to take one of my children from the hospital4 ,she knew ,i had put a cipher into the swaddling clothes of the eldest2 she asked me for the counterpart of the cipher1 and ,i gave it to her4 ,in this research she employed ,la ,roche1 her valet de chambre and confidential servant1 who made vain inquiries1 although after only about twelve or fourteen years1 had the registers of the foundling hospital been in order1 or the search properly made1 the original cipher ought to have been found4 ,however this may be1 ,i was less sorry for his want of success than ,i should have been had ,i from time to time continued to see the child from its birth until that moment4 ,if by the aid of the indications given1 another child had been presented as my own1 the doubt of its being so in fact1 and the fear of having one thus substituted for it1 would have contracted my affections1 and ,i should not have tasted of the charm of the real sentiment of nature4 ,this during infancy stands in need of being supported by habit4 ,the long absence of a child whom the father has seen but for an instant1 weakens1 and at length annihilates paternal sentiment1 and parents will never love a child sent to nurse1 like that which is brought up under their eyes4 ,this reflection may extenuate my faults in their effects1 but it must aggravate them in their source4 ,it may not perhaps be useless to remark that by the means of ,theresa1 the same ,la ,roche became acquainted with ,madam le ,vasseur1 whom ,grimm still kept at ,deuil1 near ,la ,chevrette1 and not far from ,montmorency4 ,after my departure it was by means of ,la ,roche that ,i continued to send this woman the money ,i had constantly sent her at stated times1 and ,i am of opinion he often carried her presents from ,madam de ,luxembourg2 therefore she certainly was not to be pitied1 although she constantly complained4 ,with respect to ,grimm1 as ,i am not fond of speaking of persons whom ,i ought to hate1 ,i never mentioned his name to ,madam de ,luxembourg1 except when ,i could not avoid it2 but she frequently made him the subject of conversation1 without telling me what she thought of the man1 or letting me discover whether or not he was of her acquaintance4 ,reserve with people ,i love and who are open with me being contrary to my nature1 especially in things relating to themselves1 ,i have since that time frequently thought of that of ,madam de ,luxembourg2 but never1 except when other events rendered the recollection natural4 ,having waited a long time without hearing speak of ,emilius1 after ,i had given it to ,madam de ,luxembourg1 ,i at last heard the agreement was made at ,paris1 with the bookseller ,duchesne1 and by him with ,neaulme1 of ,amsterdam4 ,madam de ,luxembourg sent me the original and the duplicate of my agreement with ,duchesne1 that ,i might sign them4 ,i discovered the writing to be by the same hand as that of the letters of ,m4 de ,malesherbes1 which he himself did not write4 ,the certainty that my agreement was made by the consent1 and under the eye of that magistrate1 made me sign without hesitation4 ,duchesne gave me for the manuscript six thousand livres 7two hundred and fifty pounds71 half in specie1 and one or two hundred copies4 ,after having signed the two parts1 ,i sent them both to ,madam de ,luxembourg1 according to her desire2 she gave one to ,duchesne1 and instead of returning the other kept it herself1 so that ,i never saw it afterwards4 ,my acquaintance with ,m4 and ,madam de ,luxembourg1 though it diverted me a little from my plan of retirement1 did not make me entirely renounce it4 ,even at the time ,i was most in favor with ,madam de ,luxembourg1 ,i always felt that nothing but my sincere attachment to the marechal and herself could render to me supportable the people with whom they were connected1 and all the difficulty ,i had was in conciliating this attachment with a manner of life more agreeable to my inclination1 and less contrary to my health1 which constraint and late suppers continually deranged1 notwithstanding all the care taken to prevent it2 for in this1 as in everything else1 attention was carried as far as possible2 thus1 for instance1 every evening after supper the marechal1 who went early to bed1 never failed1 notwithstanding everything that could be said to the contrary1 to make me withdraw at the same time4 ,it was not until some little time before my catastrophe that1 for what reason ,i know not1 he ceased to pay me that attention4 ,before ,i perceived the coolness of ,madam de ,luxembourg1 ,i was desirous1 that ,i might not expose myself to it1 to execute my old project2 but not having the means to that effect1 ,i was obliged to wait for the conclusion of the agreement for ',emilius'1 and in the time ,i finished the ',social ,contract'1 and sent it to ,rey1 fixing the price of the manuscript at a thousand livres 7forty-one pounds71 which he paid me4 ,i ought not perhaps to omit a trifling circumstance relative to this manuscript4 ,i gave it1 well sealed up1 to ,du ,voisin1 a minister in the pays de ,vaud and chaplain at the ,hotel de ,hollande1 who sometimes came to see me1 and took upon himself to send the packet to ,rey1 with whom he was connected4 ,the manuscript1 written in a small letter1 was but very trifling1 and did not fill his pocket4 ,yet1 in passing the barriere1 the packet fell1 ,i know not by what means1 into the hands of the ,commis1 who opened and examined it1 and afterwards returned it to him1 when he had reclaimed it in the name of the ambassador4 ,this gave him an opportunity of reading it himself1 which he ingeniously wrote me he had done1 speaking highly of the work1 without suffering a word of criticism or censure to escape him2 undoubtedly reserving to himself to become the avenger of ,christianity as soon as the work should appear4 ,he resealed the packet and sent it to ,rey4 ,such is the substance of his narrative in the letter in which he gave an account of the affair1 and is all ,i ever knew of the matter4 ,besides these two books and my dictionary of music1 at which ,i still did something as opportunity offered1 ,i had other works of less importance ready to make their appearance1 and which ,i proposed to publish either separately or in my general collection1 should ,i ever undertake it4 ,the principal of these works1 most of which are still in manuscript in the hands of ,de ,peyrou1 was an essay on the origin of ,languages1 which ,i had read to ,m4 de ,malesherbes and the ,chevalier de ,lorenzy1 who spoke favorably of it4 ,i expected all the productions together would produce me a net capital of from eight to ten thousand livres 7three to four hundred pounds71 which ,i intended to sink in annuities for my life and that of ,theresa2 after which1 our design1 as ,i have already mentioned1 was to go and live together in the midst of some province1 without further troubling the public about me1 or myself with any other project than that of peacefully ending my days and still continuing to do in my neighborhood all the good in my power1 and to write at leisure the memoirs which ,i intended4 ,such was my intention1 and the execution of it was facilitated by an act of generosity in ,rey1 upon which ,i cannot be silent4 ,this bookseller1 of whom so many unfavorable things were told me in ,paris1 is1 notwithstanding1 the only one with whom ,i have always had reason to be satisfied4 ,it is true1 we frequently disagreed as to the execution of my works4 ,he was heedless and ,i was choleric2 but in matters of interest which related to them1 although ,i never made with him an agreement in form1 ,i always found in him great exactness and probity4 ,he is also the only person of his profession who frankly confessed to me he gained largely by my means2 and he frequently1 when he offered me a part of his fortune1 told me ,i was the author of it all4 ,not finding the means of exercising his gratitude immediately upon myself1 he wished at least to give me proofs of it in the person of my governante1 upon whom he settled an annuity of three hundred livres 7twelve pounds71 expressing in the deed that it was an acknowledgment for the advantages ,i had procured him4 ,this he did between himself and me1 without ostentation1 pretension1 or noise1 and had not ,i spoken of it to anybody1 not a single person would ever have known anything of the matter4 ,i was so pleased with this action that ,i became attached to ,rey1 and conceived for him a real friendship4 ,sometime afterwards he desired ,i would become godfather to one of his children2 ,i consented1 and a part of my regret in the situation to which ,i am reduced1 is my being deprived of the means of rendering in future my attachment of my goddaughter useful to her and her parents4 ,why am ,i1 who am so sensible of the modest generosity of this bookseller1 so little so of the noisy eagerness of many persons of the highest rank1 who pompously fill the world with accounts of the services they say they wished to render me1 but the good effects of which ,i never felt8 ,is it their fault or mine8 ,are they nothing more than vain2 is my insensibility purely ingratitude8 ,intelligent reader1 weigh and determine2 for my part ,i say no more4 ,this pension was a great resource to ,theresa and considerable alleviation to me1 although ,i was far from receiving from it a direct advantage1 any more than from the presents that were made her4 ,she herself has always disposed of everything4 ,when ,i kept her money ,i gave her a faithful account of it1 without ever applying any part of the deposit to our common expenses1 not even when she was richer than myself4 ,what is mine is ours1 said ,i to her2 and what is thine is thine4 ,i never departed from this maxim4 ,they who have had the baseness to accuse me of receiving by her hands that which ,i refused to take with mine1 undoubtedly judged of my heart by their own1 and knew but little of me4 ,i would willingly eat with her the bread she should have earned1 but not that she should have had given her4 ,for a proof of this ,i appeal to herself1 both now and hereafter1 when1 according to the course of nature1 she shall have survived me4 ,unfortunately1 she understands but little of economy in any respect1 and is1 besides1 careless and extravagant1 not from vanity nor gluttony1 but solely from negligence4 ,no creature is perfect here below1 and since the excellent qualities must be accompanied with some defects2 ,i prefer these to vices2 although her defects are more prejudicial to us both4 ,the efforts ,i have made1 as formerly ,i did for mamma1 to accumulate something in advance which might some day be to her a never-failing resource1 are not to be conceived2 but my cares were always ineffectual4 ,neither of these women ever called themselves to an account1 and1 notwithstanding all my efforts1 everything ,i acquired was dissipated as fast as it came4 ,notwithstanding the great simplicity of ,theresa's dress1 the pension from ,rey has never been sufficient to buy her clothes1 and ,i have every year been under the necessity of adding something to it for that purpose4 ,we are neither of us born to be rich1 and this ,i certainly do not reckon amongst our misfortunes4 ,the ',social ,contract' was soon printed4 ,this was not the case with ',emilius'1 for the publication of which ,i waited to go into the retirement ,i meditated4 ,duchesne1 from time to time1 sent me specimens of impression to choose from2 when ,i had made my choice1 instead of beginning he sent me others4 ,when1 at length1 we were fully determined on the size and letter1 and several sheets were already printed off1 on some trifling alteration ,i made in a proof1 he began the whole again2 and at the end of six months we were in less forwardness than on the first day4 ,during all these experiments ,i clearly perceived the work was printing in ,france as well as in ,holland1 and that two editions of it were preparing at the same time4 ,what could ,i do8 ,the manuscript was no longer mine4 ,far from having anything to do with the edition in ,france1 ,i was always against it2 but since1 at length1 this was preparing in spite of all opposition1 and was to serve as a model to the other1 it was necessary ,i should cast my eyes over it and examine the proofs1 that my work might not be mutilated4 ,it was1 besides1 printed so much by the consent of the magistrate1 that it was he who1 in some measure1 directed the undertaking2 he likewise wrote to me frequently1 and once came to see me and converse on the subject upon an occasion of which ,i am going to speak4 ,whilst ,duchesne crept like a snail1 ,neaulme1 whom he withheld1 scarcely moved at all4 ,the sheets were not regularly sent him as they were printed4 ,he thought there was some trick in the manoeuvre of ,duchesne1 that is1 of ,guy who acted for him2 and perceiving the terms of the agreement to be departed from1 he wrote me letter after letter full of complaints1 and it was less possible for me to remove the subject of them than that of those ,i myself had to make4 ,his friend ,guerin1 who at that time came frequently to see my house1 never ceased speaking to me about the work1 but always with the greatest reserve4 ,he knew and he did not know that it was printing in ,france1 and that the magistrate had a hand in it4 ,in expressing his concern for my embarrassment1 he seemed to accuse me of imprudence without ever saying in what this consisted2 he incessantly equivocated1 and seemed to speak for no other purpose than to hear what ,i had to say4 ,i thought myself so secure that ,i laughed at his mystery and circumspection as at a habit he had contracted with ministers and magistrates whose offices he much frequented4 ,certain of having conformed to every rule with the work1 and strongly persuaded that ,i had not only the consent and protection of the magistrate1 but that the book merited and had obtained the favor of the minister1 ,i congratulated myself upon my courage in doing good1 and laughed at my pusillanimous friends who seemed uneasy on my account4 ,duclos was one of these1 and ,i confess my confidence in his understanding and uprightness might have alarmed me1 had ,i had less in the utility of the work and in the probity of those by whom it was patronized4 ,he came from the house of ,m4 ,baille to see me whilst ',emilius' was in the press2 he spoke to me concerning it2 ,i read to him the ',profession of ,faith of the ,savoyard ,vicar'1 to which he listened attentively and1 as it seemed to me with pleasure4 ,when ,i had finished he said3 ,what6 citizen1 this is a part of a work now printing in ,paris8--,yes1 answered ,i1 and it ought to be printed at the ,louvre by order of the king4--,i confess it1 replied he2 but pray do not mention to anybody your having read to me this fragment4 ,this striking manner of expressing himself surprised without alarming me4 ,i knew ,duclos was intimate with ,m4 de ,malesherbes1 and ,i could not conceive how it was possible he should think so differently from him upon the same subject4 ,i had lived at ,montmorency for the last four years without ever having had there one day of good health4 ,although the air is excellent1 the water is bad1 and this may possibly be one of the causes which contributed to increase my habitual complaints4 ,towards the end of the autumn of #agfg1 ,i fell quite ill1 and passed the whole winter in suffering almost without intermission4 ,the physical ill1 augmented by a thousand inquietudes1 rendered these terrible4 ,for some time past my mind had been disturbed by melancholy forebodings without my knowing to what these directly tended4 ,i received anonymous letters of an extraordinary nature1 and others1 that were signed1 much of the same import4 ,i received one from a counsellor of the parliament of ,paris1 who1 dissatisfied with the present constitution of things1 and foreseeing nothing but disagreeable events1 consulted me upon the choice of an asylum at ,geneva or in ,switzerland1 to retire to with his family4 ,another was brought me from ,m4 de -----1 'president a mortier' of the parliament of -----1 who proposed to me to draw up for this ,parliament1 which was then at variance with the court1 memoirs and remonstrances1 and offering to furnish me with all the documents and materials necessary for that purpose4 ,when ,i suffer ,i am subject to ill humor4 ,this was the case when ,i received these letters1 and my answers to them1 in which ,i flatly refused everything that was asked of me1 bore strong marks of the effect they had had upon my mind4 ,i do not however reproach myself with this refusal1 as the letters might be so many snares laid by my enemies1 and what was required of me was contrary to the principles from which ,i was less willing than ever to swerve4 ,but having it within my power to refuse with politeness ,i did it with rudeness1 and in this consists my error4 ,i knew1 for instance1 the ,president de ----- to be connected with the ,encyclopedists and the ,holbachiens4 ,the two letters of which ,i have just spoken will be found amongst my papers4 ,the letter from the chancellor did not absolutely surprise me1 because ,i agreed with him in opinion1 and with many others1 that the declining constitution of ,france threatened an approaching destruction4 ,the disasters of an unsuccessful war1 all of which proceeded from a fault in the government2 the incredible confusion in the finances2 the perpetual drawings upon the treasury by the administration1 which was then divided between two or three ministers1 amongst whom reigned nothing but discord1 and who1 to counteract the operations of each other1 let the kingdom go to ruin2 the discontent of the people1 and of every other rank of subjects2 the obstinacy of a woman who1 constantly sacrificing her judgment1 if she indeed possessed any1 to her inclinations1 kept from public employment persons capable of discharging the duties of them1 to place in them such as pleased her best2 everything occurred in justifying the foresight of the counsellor1 that of the public1 and my own4 ,this1 made me several times consider whether or not ,i myself should seek an asylum out of the kingdom before it was torn by the dissensions by which it seemed to be threatened2 but relieved from my fears by my insignificance1 and the peacefulness of my disposition1 ,i thought that in the state of solitude in which ,i was determined to live1 no public commotion could reach me4 ,i was sorry only that1 in this state of things1 ,m4 de ,luxembourg should accept commissions which tended to injure him in the opinion of the persons of the place of which he was governor4 ,i could have wished he had prepared himself a retreat there1 in case the great machine had fallen in pieces1 which seemed much to be apprehended2 and still appears to me beyond a doubt1 that if the reins of government had not fallen into a single hand1 the ,french monarchy would now be at the last gasp4 ,whilst my situation became worse the printing of ',emilius' went on more slowly1 and was at length suspended without my being able to learn the reason why2 ,guy did not deign to answer my letter of inquiry1 and ,i could obtain no information from any person of what was going forward1 ,m4 de ,malesherbes being then in the country4 ,a misfortune never makes me uneasy provided ,i know in what it consists2 but it is my nature to be afraid of darkness1 ,i tremble at the appearance of it2 mystery always gives me inquietude1 it is too opposite to my natural disposition1 in which there is an openness bordering on imprudence4 ,the sight of the most hideous monster would1 ,i am of opinion1 alarm me but little2 but if by night ,i were to see a figure in a white sheet ,i should be afraid of it4 ,my imagination1 wrought upon by this long silence1 was now employed in creating phantoms4 ,i tormented myself the more in endeavoring to discover the impediment to the printing of my last and best production1 as ,i had the publication of it much at heart2 and as ,i always carried everything to an extreme1 ,i imagined that ,i perceived in the suspension the suppression of the work4 ,yet1 being unable to discover either the cause or manner of it1 ,i remained in the most cruel state of suspense4 ,i wrote letter after letter to ,guy1 to ,m4 de ,malesherbes and to ,madam de ,luxembourg1 and not receiving answers1 at least when ,i expected them1 my head became so affected that ,i was not far from a delirium4 ,i unfortunately heard that ,father ,griffet1 a ,jesuit1 had spoken of ',emilius' and repeated from it some passages4 ,my imagination instantly unveiled to me the mystery of iniquity2 ,i saw the whole progress of it as clearly as if it had been revealed to me4 ,i figured to myself that the ,jesuits1 furious on account of the contemptuous manner in which ,i had spoken of colleges1 were in possession of my work2 that it was they who had delayed the publication2 that1 informed by their friend ,guerin of my situation1 and foreseeing my approaching dissolution1 of which ,i myself had no manner of doubt1 they wished to delay the appearance of the work until after that event1 with an intention to curtail and mutilate it1 and in favor of their own views1 to attribute to me sentiments not my own4 ,the number of facts and circumstances which occurred to my mind1 in confirmation of this silly proposition1 and gave it an appearance of truth supported by evidence and demonstration1 is astonishing4 ,i knew ,guerin to be entirely in the interest of the ,jesuits4 ,i attributed to them all the friendly advances he had made me2 ,i was persuaded he had1 by their entreaties1 pressed me to engage with ,neaulme1 who had given them the first sheets of my work2 that they had afterwards found means to stop the printing of it by ,duchesne1 and perhaps to get possession of the manuscript to make such alterations in it as they should think proper1 that after my death they might publish it disguised in their own manner4 ,i had always perceived1 notwithstanding the wheedling of ,father ,berthier1 that the ,jesuits did not like me1 not only as an ,encyclopedist1 but because all my principles were more in opposition to their maxims and influence than the incredulity of my colleagues1 since atheistical and devout fanaticism1 approaching each other by their common enmity to toleration1 may become united2 a proof of which is seen in ,china1 and in the cabal against myself2 whereas religion1 both reasonable and moral1 taking away all power over the conscience1 deprives those who assume that power of every resource4 ,i knew the chancellor was a great friend to the ,jesuits1 and ,i had my fears less the son1 intimidated by the father1 should find himself under the necessity of abandoning the work he had protected4 ,i besides imagined that ,i perceived this to be the case in the chicanery employed against me relative to the first two volumes1 in which alterations were required for reasons of which ,i could not feel the force2 whilst the other two volumes were known to contain things of such a nature as1 had the censor objected to them in the manner he did to the passages he thought exceptionable in the others1 would have required their being entirely written over again4 ,i also understood1 and ,m4 de ,malesherbes himself told me of it1 that the ,abbe de ,grave1 whom he had charged with the inspection of this edition1 was another partisan of the ,jesuits4 ,i saw nothing but ,jesuits1 without considering that1 upon the point of being suppressed1 and wholly taken up in making their defence1 they had something which interested them much more than the cavillings relative to a work in which they were not in question4 ,i am wrong1 however1 in saying this did not occur to me2 for ,i really thought of it1 and ,m4 de ,malesherbes took care to make the observation to me the moment he heard of my extravagant suspicions4 ,but by another of those absurdities of a man1 who1 from the bosom of obscurity1 will absolutely judge of the secret of great affairs1 with which he is totally unacquainted4 ,i never could bring myself to believe the ,jesuits were in danger1 and ,i considered the rumor of their suppression as an artful manoeuvre of their own to deceive their adversaries4 ,their past successes1 which had been uninterrupted1 gave me so terrible an idea of the power1 that ,i already was grieved at the overthrow of the parliament4 ,i knew ,m4 de ,choiseul had prosecuted his studies under the ,jesuits1 that ,madam de ,pompadour was not upon bad terms with them1 and that their league with favorites and ministers had constantly appeared advantageous to their order against their common enemies4 ,the court seemed to remain neutral1 and persuaded as ,i was that should the society receive a severe check it would not come from the parliament1 ,i saw in the inaction of government the ground of their confidence and the omen of their triumph4 ,in fine1 perceiving in the rumors of the day nothing more than art and dissimulation on their part1 and thinking they1 in their state of security1 had time to watch over all their interests1 ,i had had not the least doubt of their shortly crushing ,jansenism1 the parliament and the ,encyclopedists1 with every other association which should not submit to their yoke2 and that if they ever suffered my work to appear1 this would not happen until it should be so transformed as to favor their pretensions1 and thus make use of my name the better to deceive my readers4 ,i felt my health and strength decline2 and such was the horror with which my mind was filled1 at the idea of dishonor to my memory in the work most worthy of myself1 that ,i am surprised so many extravagant ideas did not occasion a speedy end to my existence4 ,i never was so much afraid of death as at this time1 and had ,i died with the apprehensions ,i then had upon my mind1 ,i should have died in despair4 ,at present1 although ,i perceive no obstacle to the execution of the blackest and most dreadful conspiracy ever formed against the memory of a man1 ,i shall die much more in peace1 certain of leaving in my writings a testimony in my favor1 and one which1 sooner or later1 will triumph over the calumnies of mankind4 ,m4 de ,malesherbes1 who discovered the agitation of my mind1 and to whom ,i acknowledged it1 used such endeavors to restore me to tranquility as proved his excessive goodness of heart4 ,madam de ,luxembourg aided him in his good work1 and several times went to ,duchesne to know in what state the edition was4 ,at length the impression was again begun1 and the progress of it became more rapid than ever1 without my knowing for what reason it had been suspended4 ,m4 de ,malesherbes took the trouble to come to ,montmorency to calm my mind2 in this he succeeded1 and the full confidence ,i had in his uprightness having overcome the derangement of my poor head1 gave efficacy to the endeavors he made to restore it4 ,after what he had seen of my anguish and delirium1 it was natural he should think ,i was to be pitied2 and he really commiserated my situation4 ,the expressions1 incessantly repeated1 of the philosophical cabal by which he was surrounded1 occurred to his memory4 ,when ,i went to live at the ,hermitage1 they1 as ,i have already remarked1 said ,i should not remain there long4 ,when they saw ,i persevered1 they charged me with obstinacy and pride1 proceeding from a want of courage to retract1 and insisted that my life was there a burden to me2 in short1 that ,i was very wretched4 ,m4 de ,malesherbes believed this really to be the case1 and wrote to me upon the subject4 ,this error in a man for whom ,i had so much esteem gave me some pain1 and ,i wrote to him four letters successively1 in which ,i stated the real motives of my conduct1 and made him fully acquainted with my taste1 inclination and character1 and with the most interior sentiments of my heart4 ,these letters1 written hastily1 almost without taking pen from paper1 and which ,i neither copied1 corrected1 nor even read1 are perhaps the only things ,i ever wrote with facility1 which1 in the midst of my sufferings1 was1 ,i think1 astonishing4 ,i sighed1 as ,i felt myself declining1 at the thought of leaving in the midst of honest men an opinion of me so far from truth2 and by the sketch hastily given in my four letters1 ,i endeavored1 in some measure1 to substitute them to the memoirs ,i had proposed to write4 ,they are expressive of my grief to ,m4 de ,malesherbes1 who showed them in ,paris1 and are1 besides1 a kind of summary of what ,i here give in detail1 and1 on this account1 merit preservation4 ,the copy ,i begged of them some years afterwards will be found amongst my papers4 ,the only thing which continued to give me pain1 in the idea of my approaching dissolution1 was my not having a man of letters for a friend1 to whom ,i could confide my papers1 that after my death he might take a proper choice of such as were worthy of publication4 ,after my journey to ,geneva1 ,i conceived a friendship for ,moultou2 this young man pleased me1 and ,i could have wished him to receive my last breath4 ,i expressed to him this desire1 and am of opinion he would readily have complied with it1 had not his affairs prevented him from so doing4 ,deprived of this consolation1 ,i still wished to give him a mark of my confidence by sending him the ',profession of ,faith of the ,savoyard ,vicar' before it was published4 ,he was pleased with the work1 but did not in his answer seem so fully to expect from it the effect of which ,i had but little doubt4 ,he wished to receive from me some fragment which ,i had not given to anybody else4 ,i sent him the funeral oration of the late ,duke of ,orleans2 this ,i had written for the ,abbe ,darty1 who had not pronounced it1 because1 contrary to his expectation1 another person was appointed to perform that ceremony4 ,the printing of ,emilius1 after having been again taken in hand1 was continued and completed without much difficulty2 and ,i remarked this singularity1 that after the curtailings so much insisted upon in the first two volumes1 the last two were passed over without an objection1 and their contents did not delay the publication for a moment4 ,i had1 however1 some uneasiness which ,i must not pass over in silence4 ,after having been afraid of the ,jesuits1 ,i begun to fear the ,jansenists and philosophers4 ,an enemy to party1 faction and cabal1 ,i never heard the least good of parties concerned in them4 ,the gossips had quitted their old abode and taken up their residence by the side of me1 so that in their chamber1 everything said in mine1 and upon the terrace1 was distinctly heard2 and from their garden it would have been easy to scale the low wall by which it was separated from my alcove4 ,this was become my study2 my table was covered with proofsheets of ,emilius and the ,social ,contract and stitching these sheets as they were sent to me1 ,i had all my volumes a long time before they were published4 ,my negligence and the confidence ,i had in ,m4 ,mathas1 in whose garden ,i was shut up1 frequently made me forget to lock the door at night1 and in the morning ,i several times found it wide open2 this1 however1 would not have given me the least inquietude had ,i not thought my papers seemed to have been deranged4 ,after having several times made the same remark1 ,i became more careful1 and locked the door4 ,the lock was a bad one1 and the key turned in it no more than half round4 ,as ,i became more attentive1 ,i found my papers in a much greater confusion than they were when ,i left everything open4 ,at length ,i missed one of my volumes without knowing what was become of it until the morning of the third day1 when ,i again found it upon the table4 ,i never suspected either ,m4 ,mathas or his nephew ,m4 du ,moulin1 knowing myself to be beloved by both1 and my confidence in them was unbounded4 ,that ,i had in the gossips began to diminish4 ,although they were ,jansenists1 ,i knew them to have some connection with ,d' ,alembert1 and moreover they all three lodged in the same house4 ,this gave me some uneasiness1 and put me more upon my guard4 ,i removed my papers from the alcove to my chamber1 and dropped my acquaintance with these people1 having learned they had shown in several houses the first volume of ',emilius'1 which ,i had been imprudent enough to lend them4 ,although they continued until my departure to be my neighbors ,i never1 after my first suspicions1 had the least communication with them4 ,the ',social ,contract' appeared a month or two before ',emilius'4 ,rey1 whom ,i had desired never secretly to introduce into ,france any of my books1 applied to the magistrate for leave to send this book by ,rouen1 to which place he sent his package by sea4 ,he received no answer1 and his bales1 after remaining at ,rouen several months1 were returned to him1 but not until an attempt had been made to confiscate them2 this1 probably1 would have been done had not he made a great clamor4 ,several persons1 whose curiosity the work had excited1 sent to ,amsterdam for copies1 which were circulated without being much noticed4 ,maulion1 who had heard of this1 and had1 ,i believe1 seen the work1 spoke to me on the subject with an air of mystery which surprised me1 and would likewise have made me uneasy if1 certain of having conformed to every rule1 ,i had not by virtue of my grand maxim1 kept my mind calm4 ,i moreover had no doubt but ,m4 de ,choiseul1 already well disposed towards me1 and sensible of the eulogium of his administration1 which my esteem for him had induced me to make in the work1 would support me against the malevolence of ,madam de ,pompadour4 ,i certainly had then as much reason as ever to hope for the goodness of ,m4 de ,luxembourg1 and even for his assistance in case of need2 for he never at any time had given me more frequent and more pointed marks of his friendship4 ,at the journey of ,easter1 my melancholy state no longer permitting me to go to the castle1 he never suffered a day to pass without coming to see me1 and at length1 perceiving my sufferings to be incessant1 he prevailed upon me to determine to see ,friar ,come4 ,he immediately sent for him1 came with him1 and had the courage1 uncommon to a man of his rank1 to remain with me during the operation which was cruel and tedious4 ,upon the first examination1 ,come thought he found a great stone1 and told me so2 at the second1 he could not find it again4 ,after having made a third attempt with so much care and circumspection that ,i thought the time long1 he declared there was no stone1 but that the prostate gland was schirrous and considerably thickened4 ,he besides added1 that ,i had a great deal to suffer1 and should live a long time4 ,should the second prediction be as fully accomplished as the first1 my sufferings are far from being at an end4 ,it was thus ,i learned after having been so many years treated for disorders which ,i never had1 that my incurable disease1 without being mortal1 would last as long as myself4 ,my imagination1 repressed by this information1 no longer presented to me in prospective a cruel death in the agonies of the stone4 ,delivered from imaginary evils1 more cruel to me than those which were real1 ,i more patiently suffered the latter4 ,it is certain ,i have since suffered less from my disorder than ,i had done before1 and every time ,i recollect that ,i owe this alleviation to ,m4 de ,luxembourg1 his memory becomes more dear to me4 ,restored1 as ,i may say1 to life1 and more than ever occupied with the plan according to which ,i was determined to pass the rest of my days1 all the obstacle to the immediate execution of my design was the publication of ',emilius'4 ,i thought of ,touraine where ,i had already been and which pleased me much1 as well on account of the mildness of the climate1 as on that of the character of the inhabitants4 ',la terra molle lieta a dilettosa ,simile a se l'habitator produce4' ,i had already spoken of my project to ,m4 de ,luxembourg1 who endeavored to dissuade me from it2 ,i mentioned it to him a second time as a thing resolved upon4 ,he then offered me the castle of ,merlon1 fifteen leagues from ,paris1 as an asylum which might be agreeable to me1 and where he and ,madam de ,luxembourg would have a real pleasure in seeing me settled4 ,the proposition made a pleasing impression on my mind4 ,but the first thing necessary was to see the place1 and we agreed upon a day when the marechal was to send his valet de chambre with a carriage to take me to it4 ,on the day appointed1 ,i was much indisposed2 the journey was postponed1 and different circumstances prevented me from ever making it4 ,i have since learned the estate of ,merlou did not belong to the marechal but to his lady1 on which account ,i was the less sorry ,i had not gone to live there4 ',emilius' was at length given to the public1 without my having heard further of retrenchments or difficulties4 ,previous to the publication1 the marechal asked me for all the letters ,m4 de ,malesherbes had written to me on the subject of the work4 ,my great confidence in both1 and the perfect security in which ,i felt myself1 prevented me from reflecting upon this extraordinary and even alarming request4 ,i returned all the letters excepting one or two which1 from inattention1 were left between the leaves of a book4 ,a little time before this1 ,m4 de ,malesherbes told me he should withdraw the letters ,i had written to ,duchesne during my alarm relative to the ,jesuits1 and1 it must be confessed1 these letters did no great honor to my reason4 ,but in my answer ,i assured him ,i would not in anything pass for being better than ,i was1 and that he might leave the letters where they were4 ,i know not what he resolved upon4 ,the publication of this work was not succeeded by the applause which had followed that of all my other writings4 ,no work was ever more highly spoken of in private1 nor had any literary production ever had less public approbation4 ,what was said and written to me upon the subject by persons most capable of judging1 confirmed me in my opinion that it was the best1 as well as the most important of all the works ,i had produced4 ,but everything favorable was said with an air of the most extraordinary mystery1 as if there had been a necessity of keeping it a secret4 ,madam de ,boufflers1 who wrote to me that the author of the work merited a statue1 and the homage of mankind1 at the end of her letter desired it might be returned to her4 ,d',alembert1 who in his note said the work gave me a decided superiority1 and ought to place me at the head of men of letters1 did not sign what he wrote1 although he had signed every note ,i had before received from him4 ,duclos1 a sure friend1 a man of veracity1 but circumspect1 although he had a good opinion of the work1 avoided mentioning it in his letters to me4 ,la ,condomine fell upon the ,confession of ,faith1 and wandered from the subject4 ,clairaut confined himself to the same part2 but he was not afraid of expressing to me the emotion which the reading of it had caused in him1 and in the most direct terms wrote to me that it had warmed his old imagination3 of all those to whom ,i had sent my book1 he was the only person who spoke freely what he thought of it4 ,mathas1 to whom ,i also had given a copy before the publication1 lent it to ,m4 de ,blaire1 counsellor in the parliament of ,strasbourg4 ,m4 de ,blaire had a country-house at ,st4 ,gratien1 and ,mathas1 his old acquaintance1 sometimes went to see him there4 ,he made him read ,emilius before it was published4 ,when he returned it to him1 ,m4 de ,blaire expressed himself in the following terms1 which were repeated to me the same day3 ,m4 ,mathas1 this is a very fine work1 but it will in a short time be spoken of more than1 for the author1 might be wished4 ,i laughed at the prediction1 and saw in it nothing more than the importance of a man of the robe1 who treats everything with an air of mystery4 ,all the alarming observations repeated to me made no impression upon my mind1 and1 far from foreseeing the catastrophe so near at hand1 certain of the utility and excellence of my work1 and that ,i had in every respect conformed to established rules2 convinced1 as ,i thought ,i was that ,i should be supported by all the credit of ,m4 de ,luxembourg and the favor of the ministry1 ,i was satisfied with myself for the resolution ,i had taken to retire in the midst of my triumphs1 and at my return to crush those by whom ,i was envied4 ,one thing in the publication of the work alarmed me1 less on account of my safety than for the unburdening of my mind4 ,at the ,hermitage and at ,montmorency ,i had seen with indignation the vexations which the jealous care of the pleasures of princes causes to be exercised on wretched peasants1 forced to suffer the havoc made by game in their fields1 without daring to take any other measure to prevent this devastation than that of making a noise1 passing the night amongst the beans and peas1 with drums1 kettles and bells1 to keep off the wild boars4 ,as ,i had been a witness to the barbarous cruelty with which the ,comte de ,charolois treated these poor people1 ,i had toward the end of ,emilius exclaimed against it4 ,this was another infraction of my maxims1 which has not remained unpunished4 ,i was informed that the people of the ,prince of ,conti were but little less severe upon his estates2 ,i trembled lest that prince1 for whom ,i was penetrated with respect and gratitude1 should take to his own account what shocked humanity had made me say on that of others1 and feel himself offended4 ,yet1 as my conscience fully acquitted me upon this article1 ,i made myself easy1 and by so doing acted wisely3 at least1 ,i have not heard that this great prince took notice of the passage1 which1 besides1 was written long before ,i had the honor of being known to him4 ,a few days either before or after the publication of my work1 for ,i do not exactly recollect the time1 there appeared another work upon the same subject1 taken verbatim from my first volume1 except a few stupid things which were joined to the extract4 ,the book bore the name of a ,genevese1 one ,balexsert1 and1 according to the title-page1 had gained the premium in the ,academy of ,harlem4 ,i easily imagined the academy and the premium to be newly founded1 the better to conceal the plagiarism from the eyes of the public2 but ,i further perceived there was some prior intrigue which ,i could not unravel2 either by the lending of my manuscript1 without which the theft could not have been committed1 or for the purpose of forging the story of the pretended premium1 to which it was necessary to give some foundation4 ,it was not until several years afterwards1 that by a word which escaped ,d',ivernois1 ,i penetrated the mystery and discovered those by whom ,balexsert had been brought forward4 ,the low murmurings which precede a storm began to be heard1 and men of penetration clearly saw there was something gathering1 relative to me and my book1 which would shortly break over my head4 ,for my part my stupidity was such1 that1 far from foreseeing my misfortune1 ,i did not suspect even the cause of it after ,i had felt its effect4 ,it was artfully given out that while the ,jesuits were treated with severity1 no indulgence could be shown to books nor the authors of them in which religion was attacked4 ,i was reproached with having put my name to ,emilius1 as if ,i had not put it to all my other works of which nothing was said4 ,government seemed to fear it should be obliged to take some steps which circumstances rendered necessary on account of my imprudence4 ,rumors to this effect reached my ears1 but gave me not much uneasiness3 it never even came into my head1 that there could be the least thing in the whole affair which related to me personally1 so perfectly irreproachable and well supported did ,i think myself2 having besides conformed to every ministerial regulation1 ,i did not apprehend ,madam de ,luxembourg would leave me in difficulties for an error1 which1 if it existed1 proceeded entirely from herself4 ,but knowing the manner of proceeding in like cases1 and that it was customary to punish booksellers while authors were favored2 ,i had some uneasiness on account of poor ,duchesne1 whom ,i saw exposed to danger1 should ,m4 de ,malesherbes abandon him4 ,my tranquility still continued4 ,rumors increased and soon changed their nature4 ,the public1 and especially the parliament1 seemed irritated by my composure4 ,in a few days the fermentation became terrible1 and the object of the menaces being changed1 these were immediately addressed to me4 ,the parliamentarians were heard to declare that burning books was of no effect1 the authors also should be burned with them2 not a word was said of the booksellers4 ,the first time these expressions1 more worthy of an inquisitor of ,goa than a senator1 were related to me1 ,i had no doubt of their coming from the ,holbachiques with an intention to alarm me and drive me from ,france4 ,i laughed at their puerile manoeuvre1 and said they would1 had they known the real state of things1 have thought of some other means of inspiring me with fear2 but the rumor at length became such that ,i perceived the matter was serious4 ,m4 and ,madam de ,luxembourg had this year come to ,montmorency in the month of ,june1 which1 for their second journey1 was more early than common4 ,i heard but little there of my new books1 notwithstanding the noise they made in ,paris2 neither the marechal nor his lady said a single word to me on the subject4 ,however1 one morning1 when ,m4 de ,luxembourg and ,i were together1 he asked me if1 in the ',social ,contract'1 ,i had spoken ill of ,m4 de ,choiseul4 ,i8 said ,i1 retreating a few steps with surprise2 no1 ,i swear to you ,i have not2 but on the contrary1 ,i have made on him1 and with a pen not given to praise1 the finest eulogium a minister ever received4 ,i then showed him the passage4 ,and in ,emilius8 replied he4 ,not a word1 said ,i2 there is not in it a single word which relates to him4--,ah6 said he1 with more vivacity than was common to him1 you should have taken the same care in the other book1 or have expressed yourself more clearly6 ,i thought1 replied ,i1 what ,i wrote could not be misconstrued2 my esteem for him was such as to make me extremely cautious not to be equivocal4 ,he was again going to speak2 ,i perceived him ready to open his mind3 he stopped short and held his tongue4 ,wretched policy of a courtier1 which in the best of hearts1 subjugates friendship itself6 ,this conversation although short1 explained to me my situation1 at least in certain respects1 and gave me to understand that it was against myself the anger of administration was raised4 ,the unheard of fatality1 which turned to my prejudice all the good ,i did and wrote1 afflicted my heart4 ,yet1 feeling myself shielded in this affair by ,madam de ,luxembourg and ,m4 de ,malesherbes1 ,i did not perceive in what my persecutors could deprive me of their protection4 ,however1 ,i1 from that moment was convinced equity and judgment were no longer in question1 and that no pains would be spared in examining whether or not ,i was culpable4 ,the storm became still more menacing4 ,neaulme himself expressed to me1 in the excess of his babbling1 how much he repented having had anything to do in the business1 and his certainty of the fate with which the book and the author were threatened4 ,one thing1 however1 alleviated my fears3 ,madam de ,luxembourg was so calm1 satisfied and cheerful1 that ,i concluded she must necessarily be certain of the sufficiency of her credit1 especially if she did not seem to have the least apprehension on my account2 moreover1 she said not to me a word either of consolation or apology1 and saw the turn the affair took with as much unconcern as if she had nothing to do with it or anything else that related to me4 ,what surprised me most was her silence4 ,i thought she should have said something on the subject4 ,madam de ,boufflers seemed rather uneasy4 ,she appeared agitated1 strained herself a good deal1 assured me the ,prince of ,conti was taking great pains to ward off the blow about to be directed against my person1 and which she attributed to the nature of present circumstances1 in which it was of importance to the parliament not to leave the ,jesuits an opening whereby they might bring an accusation against it as being indifferent with respect to religion4 ,she did not1 however1 seem to depend much either upon the success of her own efforts or even those of the prince4 ,her conversations1 more alarming than consolatory1 all tended to persuade me to leave the kingdom and go to ,england1 where she offered me an introduction to many of her friends1 amongst others one to the celebrated ,hume1 with whom she had long been upon a footing of intimate friendship4 ,seeing me still unshaken1 she had recourse to other arguments more capable of disturbing my tranquillity4 ,she intimated that1 in case ,i was arrested and interrogated1 ,i should be under the necessity of naming ,madam de ,luxembourg1 and that her friendship for me required1 on my part1 such precautions as were necessary to prevent her being exposed4 ,my answer was1 that should what she seemed to apprehend come to pass1 she need not be alarmed2 that ,i should do nothing by which the lady she mentioned might become a sufferer4 ,she said such a resolution was more easily taken than adhered to1 and in this she was right1 especially with respect to me1 determined as ,i always have been neither to prejudice myself nor lie before judges1 whatever danger there might be in speaking the truth4 ,perceiving this observation had made some impression upon my mind1 without however inducing me to resolve upon evasion1 she spoke of the ,bastile for a few weeks1 as a means of placing me beyond the reach of the jurisdiction of the parliament1 which has nothing to do with prisoners of state4 ,i had no objection to this singular favor1 provided it were not solicited in my name4 ,as she never spoke of it a second time1 ,i afterwards thought her proposition was made to sound me1 and that the party did not think proper to have recourse to an expedient which would have put an end to everything4 ,a few days afterwards the marechal received from the ,cure de ,dueil1 the friend of ,grimm and ,madam d',epinay1 a letter informing him1 as from good authority1 that the parliament was to proceed against me with the greatest severity1 and that1 on a day which he mentioned1 an order was to be given to arrest me4 ,i imagined this was fabricated by the ,holbachiques2 ,i knew the parliament to be very attentive to forms1 and that on this occasion1 beginning by arresting me before it was juridically known ,i avowed myself the author of the book was violating them all4 ,i observed to ,madam de ,boufflers that none but persons accused of crimes which tend to endanger the public safety were1 on a simple information1 ordered to be arrested lest they should escape punishment4 ,but when government wish to punish a crime like mine1 which merits honor and recompense1 the proceedings are directed against the book1 and the author is as much as possible left out of the question4 ,upon this she made some subtle distinction1 which ,i have forgotten1 to prove that ordering me to be arrested instead of summoning me to be heard was a matter of favor4 ,the next day ,i received a letter from ,guy1 who informed me that having in the morning been with the attorney-general1 he had seen in his office a rough draft of a requisition against ,emilius and the author4 ,guy1 it is to be remembered1 was the partner of ,duchesne1 who had printed the work1 and without apprehensions on his own account1 charitably gave this information to the author4 ,the credit ,i gave to him maybe judged of4 ,it was1 no doubt1 a very probable story1 that a bookseller1 admitted to an audience by the attorney-general1 should read at ease scattered rough drafts in the office of that magistrate6 ,madam de ,boufflers and others confirmed what he had said4 ,by the absurdities which were incessantly rung in my ears1 ,i was almost tempted to believe that everybody ,i heard speak had lost their senses4 ,clearly perceiving that there was some mystery1 which no one thought proper to explain to me1 ,i patiently awaited the event1 depending upon my integrity and innocence1 and thinking myself happy1 let the persecution which awaited me be what it would1 to be called to the honor of suffering in the cause of truth4 ,far from being afraid and concealing myself1 ,i went every day to the castle1 and in the afternoon took my usual walk4 ,on the eighth of ,june1 the evening before the order was concluded on1 ,i walked in company with two professors of the oratory1 ,father ,alamanni and ,father ,mandard4 ,we carried to ,champeaux a little collation1 which we ate with a keen appetite4 ,we had forgotten to bring glasses1 and supplied the want of them by stalks of rye1 through which we sucked up the wine from the bottle1 piquing ourselves upon the choice of large tubes to vie with each other in pumping up what we drank4 ,i never was more cheerful in my life4 ,i have related in what manner ,i lost my sleep during my youth4 ,i had since that time contracted a habit of reading every night in my bed1 until ,i found my eyes begin to grow heavy4 ,i then extinguished my wax taper1 and endeavored to slumber for a few moments1 which were in general very short4 ,the book ,i commonly read at night was the ,bible1 which1 in this manner ,i read five or six times from the beginning to the end4 ,this evening1 finding myself less disposed to sleep than ordinary1 ,i continued my reading beyond the usual hour1 and read the whole book which finishes at the ,levite of ,ephraim1 the ,book of judges1 if ,i mistake not1 for since that time ,i have never once seen it4 ,this history affected me exceedingly1 and1 in a kind of a dream1 my imagination still ran on it1 when suddenly ,i was roused from my stupor by a noise and light4 ,theresa carrying a candle1 lighted ,m4 la ,roche1 who perceiving me hastily raise myself up1 said3 ,do not be alarmed2 ,i come from ,madam de ,luxembourg1 who1 in her letter incloses you another from the ,prince of ,conti4 ,in fact1 in the letter of ,madam de ,luxembourg ,i found another1 which an express from the prince had brought her1 stating that1 notwithstanding all his efforts1 it was determined to proceed against me with the utmost rigor4 ,the fermentation1 said he1 is extreme2 nothing can ward off the blow2 the court requires it1 and the parliament will absolutely proceed2 at seven o'clock in the morning an order will be made to arrest him1 and persons will immediately be sent to execute it4 ,i have obtained a promise that he shall not be pursued if he makes his escape2 but if he persists in exposing himself to be taken this will immediately happen4 ,la ,roche conjured me in behalf of ,madam de ,luxembourg to rise and go and speak to her4 ,it was two o'clock and she had just retired to bed4 ,she expects you1 added he1 and will not go to sleep without speaking to you4 ,i dressed myself in haste and ran to her4 ,she appeared to be agitated2 this was for the first time4 ,her distress affected me4 ,in this moment of surprise and in the night1 ,i myself was not free from emotion2 but on seeing her ,i forgot my own situation1 and thought of nothing but the melancholy part she would have to act should ,i suffer myself to be arrested2 for feeling ,i had sufficient courage strictly to adhere to truth1 although ,i might be certain of its being prejudicial or even destructive to me1 ,i was convinced ,i had not presence of mind1 address1 nor perhaps firmness enough1 not to expose her should ,i be closely pressed4 ,this determined me to sacrifice my reputation to her tranquillity1 and to do for her that which nothing could have prevailed upon me to do for myself4 ,the moment ,i had come to this resolution1 ,i declared it1 wishing not to diminish the magnitude of the sacrifice by giving her the least trouble to obtain it4 ,i am sure she could not mistake my motive1 although she said not a word1 which proved to me she was sensible of it4 ,i was so much shocked at her indifference that ,i1 for a moment1 thought of retracting2 but the marechal came in1 and ,madam de ,boufflers arrived from ,paris a few moments afterwards4 ,they did what ,madam de ,luxembourg ought to have done4 ,i suffered myself to be flattered2 ,i was ashamed to retract2 and the only thing that remained to be determined upon was the place of my retreat and the time of my departure4 ,m4 de ,luxembourg proposed to me to remain incognito a few days at the castle1 that we might deliberate at leisure1 and take such measures as should seem most proper2 to this ,i would not consent1 no more than to go secretly to the temple4 ,i was determined to set off the same day rather than remain concealed in any place whatever4 ,knowing ,i had secret and powerful enemies in the kingdom1 ,i thought1 notwithstanding my attachment to ,france1 ,i ought to quit it1 the better to insure my future tranquillity4 ,my first intention was to retire to ,geneva1 but a moment of reflection was sufficient to dissuade me from committing that act of folly2 ,i knew the ministry of ,france1 more powerful at ,geneva than at ,paris1 would not leave me more at peace in one of these cities than in the other1 were a resolution taken to torment me4 ,i was also convinced the ',discourse upon ,inequality' had excited against me in the council a hatred the more dangerous as the council dared not make it manifest4 ,i had also learned1 that when the ,new ,eloisa appeared1 the same council had immediately forbidden the sale of that work1 upon the solicitation of ,doctor ,tronchin2 but perceiving the example not to be imitated1 even in ,paris1 the members were ashamed of what they had done1 and withdrew the prohibition4 ,i had no doubt that1 finding in the present case a more favorable opportunity1 they would be very careful to take advantage of it4 ,notwithstanding exterior appearances1 ,i knew there reigned against me in the heart of every ,genevese a secret jealousy1 which1 in the first favorable moment1 would publicly show itself4 ,nevertheless1 the love of my country called me to it1 and could ,i have flattered myself ,i should there have lived in peace1 ,i should not have hesitated2 but neither honor nor reason permitting me to take refuge as a fugitive in a place of which ,i was a citizen1 ,i resolved to approach it only1 and to wait in ,switzerland until something relative to me should be determined upon in ,geneva4 ,this state of uncertainty did not1 as it will soon appear1 continue long4 ,madam de ,boufflers highly disapproved this resolution1 and renewed her efforts to induce me to go to ,england1 but all she could say was of no effect2 ,i had never loved ,england nor the ,english1 and the eloquence of ,madam de ,boufflers1 far from conquering my repugnancy1 seemed to increase it without my knowing why4 ,determined to set off the same day1 ,i was from the morning inaccessible to everybody1 and ,la ,roche1 whom ,i sent to fetch my papers1 would not tell ,theresa whether or not ,i was gone4 ,since ,i had determined to write my own memoirs1 ,i had collected a great number of letters and other papers1 so that he was obliged to return several times4 ,a part of these papers1 already selected1 were laid aside1 and ,i employed the morning in sorting the rest1 that ,i might take with me such only as were necessary and destroy what remained4 ,m4 de ,luxembourg was kind enough to assist me in this business1 which we could not finish before it was necessary ,i should set off1 and ,i had not time to burn a single paper4 ,the marechal offered to take upon himself to sort what ,i should leave behind me1 and throw into the fire every sheet that he found useless1 without trusting to any person whomsoever1 and to send me those of which he should make choice4 ,i accepted his offer1 very glad to be delivered from that care1 that ,i might pass the few hours ,i had to remain with persons so dear to me1 from whom ,i was going to separate forever4 ,he took the key of the chamber in which ,i had left these papers2 and1 at my earnest solicitation1 sent for my poor aunt1 who1 not knowing what had become of me1 or what was to become of herself1 and in momentary expectation of the arrival of the officers of justice1 without knowing how to act or what to answer them1 was miserable to an extreme4 ,la ,roche accompanied her to the castle in silence2 she thought ,i was already far from ,montmorency2 on perceiving me1 she made the place resound with her cries1 and threw herself into my arms4 ,oh1 friendship1 affinity of sentiment1 habit and intimacy4 ,in this pleasing yet cruel moment1 the remembrance of so many days of happiness1 tenderness and peace passed together augmented the grief of a first separation after an union of seventeen years during which we had scarcely lost sight of each other for a single day4 ,illustration3 #jbdh ,the marechal1 who saw this embrace1 could not suppress his tears4 ,he withdrew4 ,theresa determined never more to leave me out of her sight4 ,i made her feel the inconvenience of accompanying me at that moment1 and the necessity of her remaining to take care of my effects and collect my money4 ,when an order is made to arrest a man1 it is customary to seize his papers and put a seal upon his effects1 or to make an inventory of them and appoint a guardian to whose care they are intrusted4 ,it was necessary ,theresa should remain to observe what passed1 and get everything settled in the most advantageous manner possible4 ,i promised her she should shortly come to me2 the marechal confirmed my promise2 but ,i did not choose to tell her to what place ,i was going1 that1 in case of being interrogated by the persons who came to take me into custody1 she might with truth plead ignorance upon that head4 ,in embracing her the moment before we separated ,i felt within me a most extraordinary emotion1 and ,i said to her with an agitation which1 alas6 was but too prophetic3 ,my dear girl1 you must arm yourself with courage4 ,you have partaken of my prosperity2 it now remains to you1 since you have chosen it1 to partake of my misery4 ,expect nothing in future but insult and calamity in following me4 ,the destiny begun for me by this melancholy day will pursue me until my latest hour4 ,i had now nothing to think of but my departure4 ,the officers were to arrive at ten o'clock4 ,it was four in the afternoon when ,i set off1 and they were not yet come4 ,it was determined ,i should take post4 ,i had no carriage1 ,the marechal made me a present of a cabriolet1 and lent me horses and a postillion the first stage1 where1 in consequence of the measures he had taken1 ,i had no difficulty in procuring others4 ,as ,i had not dined at table1 nor made my appearance in the castle1 the ladies came to bid me adieu in the entresol where ,i had passed the day4 ,madam de ,luxembourg embraced me several times with a melancholy air2 but ,i did not in these embraces feel the pressing ,i had done in those she had lavished upon me two or three years before4 ,madam de ,boufflers also embraced me1 and said to me many civil things4 ,an embrace which surprised me more than all the rest had done was one from ,madam de ,mirepoix1 for she also was at the castle4 ,madam la ,marechale de ,mirepoix is a person extremely cold1 decent1 and reserved1 and did not1 at least as she appeared to me1 seem quite exempt from the natural haughtiness of the house of ,lorraine4 ,she had never shown me much attention4 ,whether1 flattered by an honor ,i had not expected1 ,i endeavored to enhance the value of it2 or that there really was in the embrace a little of that commiseration natural to generous hearts1 ,i found in her manner and look something energetical which penetrated me4 ,i have since that time frequently thought that1 acquainted with my destiny1 she could not refrain from a momentary concern for my fate4 ,the marechal did not open his mouth2 he was as pale as death4 ,he would absolutely accompany me to the carriage which waited at the watering place4 ,we crossed the garden without uttering a single word4 ,i had a key of the park with which ,i opened the gate1 and instead of putting it again into my pocket1 ,i held it out to the marechal without saying a word4 ,he took it with a vivacity which surprised me1 and which has since frequently intruded itself upon my thoughts4 ,i have not in my whole life had a more bitter moment than that of this separation4 ,our embrace was long and silent3 we both felt that this was our last adieu4 ,between ,barre and ,montmorency ,i met1 in a hired carriage1 four men in black1 who saluted me smilingly4 ,according to what ,theresa has since told me of the officers of justice1 the hour of their arrival and their manner of behavior1 ,i have no doubt1 that they were the persons ,i met1 especially as the order to arrest me1 instead of being made out at seven o'clock1 as ,i had been told it would1 had not been given till noon4 ,i had to go through ,paris4 ,a person in a cabriolet is not much concealed4 ,i saw several persons in the streets who saluted me with an air of familiarity but ,i did not know one of them4 ,the same evening ,i changed my route to pass ,villeroy4 ,at ,lyons the couriers were conducted to the commandant4 ,this might have been embarrassing to a man unwilling either to lie or change his name4 ,i went with a letter from ,madam de ,luxembourg to beg ,m4 de ,villeroy would spare me this disagreeable ceremony4 ,m4 de ,villeroy gave me a letter of which ,i made no use1 because ,i did not go through ,lyons4 ,this letter still remains sealed up amongst my papers4 ,the duke pressed me to sleep at ,villeroy1 but ,i preferred returning to the great road1 which ,i did1 and travelled two more stages the same evening4 ,my carriage was inconvenient and uncomfortable1 and ,i was too much indisposed to go far in a day4 ,my appearance besides was not sufficiently distinguished for me to be well served1 and in ,france post-horses feel the whip in proportion to the favorable opinion the postillion has of his temporary master4 ,by paying the guides generously thought ,i should make up for my shabby appearance3 this was still worse4 ,they took me for a worthless fellow who was carrying orders1 and1 for the first time in my life1 travelling post4 ,from that moment ,i had nothing but worn-out hacks1 and ,i became the sport of the postillions4 ,i ended as ,i should have begun by being patient1 holding my tongue1 and suffering myself to be driven as my conductors thought proper4 ,i had sufficient matter of reflection to prevent me from being weary on the road1 employing myself in the recollection of that which had just happened2 but this was neither my turn of mind nor the inclination of my heart4 ,the facility with which ,i forget past evils1 however recent they may be1 is astonishing4 ,the remembrance of them becomes feeble1 and1 sooner or later1 effaced1 in the inverse proportion to the greater degree of fear with which the approach of them inspires me4 ,my cruel imagination1 incessantly tormented by the apprehension of evils still at a distance1 diverts my attention1 and prevents me from recollecting those which are past4 ,caution is needless after the evil has happened1 and it is time lost to give it a thought4 ,i1 in some measure1 put a period to my misfortunes before they happen3 the more ,i have suffered at their approach the greater is the facility with which ,i forget them2 whilst1 on the contrary1 incessantly recollecting my past happiness1 ,i1 if ,i may so speak1 enjoy it a second time at pleasure4 ,it is to this happy disposition ,i am indebted for an exemption from that ill humor which ferments in a vindictive mind1 by the continual remembrance of injuries received1 and torments it with all the evil it wishes to do its enemy4 ,naturally choleric1 ,i have felt all the force of anger1 which in the first moments has sometimes been carried to fury1 but a desire of vengeance never took root within me4 ,i think too little of the offence to give myself much trouble about the offender4 ,i think of the injury ,i have received from him on account of that he may do me a second time1 but were ,i certain he would never do me another the first would be instantly forgotten4 ,pardon of offences is continually preached to us4 ,i knew not whether or not my heart would be capable of overcoming its hatred1 for it never yet felt that passion1 and ,i give myself too little concern about my enemies to have the merit of pardoning them4 ,i will not say to what a degree1 in order to torment me1 they torment themselves4 ,i am at their mercy1 they have unbounded power1 and make of it what use they please4 ,there is but one thing in which ,i set them at defiance3 which is in tormenting themselves about me1 to force me to give myself the least trouble about them4 ,the day after my departure ,i had so perfectly forgotten what had passed1 the parliament1 ,madam de ,pompadour1 ,m4 de ,choiseul1 ,grimm1 and ,d',alembert1 with their conspiracies1 that had not it been for the necessary precautions during the journey ,i should have thought no more of them4 ,the remembrance of one thing which supplied the place of all these was what ,i had read the evening before my departure4 ,i recollect1 also1 the pastorals of ,gessner1 which his translator ,hubert had sent me a little time before4 ,these two ideas occurred to me so strongly1 and were connected in such a manner in my mind1 that ,i was determined to endeavor to unite them by treating after the manner of ,gessner1 the subject of the ,levite of ,ephraim4 ,his pastoral and simple style appeared to me but little fitted to so horrid a subject1 and it was not to be presumed the situation ,i was then in would furnish me with such ideas as would enliven it4 ,however1 ,i attempted the thing1 solely to amuse myself in my cabriolet1 and without the least hope of success4 ,i had no sooner begun than ,i was astonished at the liveliness of my ideas1 and the facility with which ,i expressed them4 ,in three days ,i composed the first three cantos of the little poem ,i finished at ,motiers1 and ,i am certain of not having done anything in my life in which there is a more interesting mildness of manners1 a greater brilliancy of coloring1 more simple delineations1 greater exactness of proportion1 or more antique simplicity in general1 notwithstanding the horror of the subject which in itself is abominable1 so that besides every other merit ,i had still that of a difficulty conquered4 ,if the ,levite of ,ephraim be not the best of my works1 it will ever be that most esteemed4 ,i have never read1 nor shall ,i ever read it again without feeling interiorly the applause of a heart without acrimony1 which1 far from being embittered by misfortunes1 is susceptible of consolation in the midst of them1 and finds within itself a resource by which they are counterbalanced4 ,assemble the great philosophers1 so superior in their books to adversity which they do not suffer1 place them in a situation similar to mine1 and1 in the first moments of the indignation of their injured honor1 give them a like work to compose1 and it will be seen in what manner they will acquit themselves of the task4 ,when ,i set off from ,montmorency to go into ,switzerland1 ,i had resolved to stop at ,yverdon1 at the house of my old friend ,roguin1 who had several years before retired to that place1 and had invited me to go and see him4 ,i was told ,lyons was not the direct road1 for which reason ,i avoided going through it4 ,but ,i was obliged to pass through ,besancon1 a fortified town1 and consequently subject to the same inconvenience4 ,i took it into my head to turn about and to go to ,salins1 under the pretense of going to see ,m4 de ,marian1 the nephew of ,m4 ,dupin1 who had an employment at the salt-works1 and formerly had given me many invitations to his house4 ,the expedition succeeded3 ,m4 de ,marian was not in the way1 and1 happily1 not being obliged to stop1 ,i continued my journey without being spoken to by anybody4 ,the moment ,i was within the territory of ,berne1 ,i ordered the postillion to stop2 ,i got out of my carriage1 prostrated myself1 kissed the ground1 and exclaimed in a transport of joy3 ,heaven1 the protector of virtue be praised1 ,i touch a land of liberty6 ,thus blind and unsuspecting in my hopes1 have ,i ever been passionately attached to that which was to make me unhappy4 ,the man thought me mad4 ,i got into the carriage1 and a few hours afterwards ,i had the pure and lively satisfaction of feeling myself pressed within the arms of the respectable ,rougin4 ,ah6 let me breathe for a moment with this worthy host6 ,it is necessary ,i should gain strength and courage before ,i proceed further4 ,i shall soon find that in my way which will give employment to them both4 ,it is not without reason that ,i have been diffuse in the recital of all the circumstances ,i have been able to recollect4 ,although they may seem uninteresting1 yet1 when once the thread of the conspiracy is got hold of1 they may throw some light upon the progress of it2 and1 for instance1 without giving the first idea of the problem ,i am going to propose1 afford some aid in solving it4 ,suppose that1 for the execution of the conspiracy of which ,i was the object1 my absence was absolutely necessary1 everything tending to that effect could not have happened otherwise than it did2 but if without suffering myself to be alarmed by the nocturnal embassy of ,madam de ,luxembourg1 ,i had continued to hold out1 and1 instead of remaining at the castle1 had returned to my bed and quietly slept until morning1 should ,i have equally had an order of arrest made out against me8 ,this is a great question upon which the solution of many others depends1 and for the examination of it1 the hour of the comminatory decree of arrest1 and that of the real decree may be remarked to advantage4 ,a rude but sensible example of the importance of the least detail in the exposition of facts1 of which the secret causes are sought for to discover them by induction4 ,,book ,,xii4 ,with this book begins the work of darkness1 in which ,i have for the last eight years been enveloped1 though it has not by any means been possible for me to penetrate the dreadful obscurity4 ,in the abyss of evil into which ,i am plunged1 ,i feel the blows reach me1 without perceiving the hand by which they are directed or the means it employs4 ,shame and misfortune seem of themselves to fall upon me4 ,when in the affliction of my heart ,i suffer a groan to escape me1 ,i have the appearance of a man who complains without reason1 and the authors of my ruin have the inconceivable art of rendering the public1 unknown to itself1 or without its perceiving the effects of it1 accomplice in their conspiracy4 ,therefore1 in my narrative of circumstances relative to myself1 of the treatment ,i have received1 and all that has happened to me1 ,i shall not be able to indicate the hand by which the whole has been directed1 nor assign the causes1 while ,i state the effect4 ,the primitive causes are all given in the preceding books2 and everything in which ,i am interested1 and all the secret motives pointed out4 ,but it is impossible for me to explain1 even by conjecture1 that in which the different causes are combined to operate the strange events of my life4 ,if amongst my readers one even of them should be generous enough to wish to examine the mystery to the bottom1 and discover the truth1 let him carefully read over a second time the three preceding books1 afterwards at each fact he shall find stated in the books which follow1 let him gain such information as is within his reach1 and go back from intrigue to intrigue1 and from agent to agent1 until he comes to the first mover of all4 ,i know where his researches will terminate2 but in the meantime ,i lose myself in the crooked and obscure subterraneous path through which his steps must be directed4 ,during my stay at ,yverdon1 ,i became acquainted with all the family of my friend ,roguin1 and amongst others with his niece1 ,madam ,boy de la ,tour1 and her daughters1 whose father1 as ,i think ,i have already observed1 ,i formerly knew at ,lyons4 ,she was at ,yverdon1 upon a visit to her uncle and his sister2 her eldest daughter1 about fifteen years of age1 delighted me by her fine understanding and excellent disposition4 ,i conceived the most tender friendship for the mother and the daughter4 ,the latter was destined by ,m4 ,rougin to the colonel1 his nephew1 a man already verging towards the decline of life1 and who showed me marks of great esteem and affection2 but although the heart of the uncle was set upon this marriage1 which was much wished for by the nephew also1 and ,i was greatly desirous to promote the satisfaction of both1 the great disproportion of age1 and the extreme repugnancy of the young lady1 made me join with the mother in postponing the ceremony1 and the affair was at length broken off4 ,the colonel has since married ,mademoiselle ,dillan1 his relation1 beautiful1 and amiable as my heart could wish1 and who has made him the happiest of husbands and fathers4 ,however1 ,m4 ,rougin has not yet forgotten my opposition to his wishes4 ,my consolation is in the certainty of having discharged to him1 and his family1 the duty of the most pure friendship1 which does not always consist in being agreeable1 but in advising for the best4 ,i did not remain long in doubt about the reception which awaited me at ,geneva1 had ,i chosen to return to that city4 ,my book was burned there1 and on the #ahth of ,june1 nine days after an order to arrest me had been given at ,paris1 another to the same effect was determined upon by the republic4 ,so many incredible absurdities were stated in this second decree1 in which the ecclesiastical edict was formally violated1 that ,i refused to believe the first accounts ,i heard of it1 and when these were well confirmed1 ,i trembled lest so manifest an infraction of every law1 beginning with that of common-sense1 should create the greatest confusion in the city4 ,i was1 however1 relieved from my fears2 everything remained quiet4 ,if there was any rumor amongst the populace1 it was unfavorable to me1 and ,i was publicly treated by all the gossips and pedants like a scholar threatened with a flogging for not having said his catechism4 ,these two decrees were the signal for the cry of malediction1 raised against me with unexampled fury in every part of ,europe4 ,all the gazettes1 journals and pamphlets1 rang the alarm-bell4 ,the ,french especially1 that mild1 generous1 and polished people1 who so much pique themselves upon their attention and proper condescension to the unfortunate1 instantly forgetting their favorite virtues1 signalized themselves by the number and violence of the outrages with which1 while each seemed to strive who should afflict me most1 they overwhelmed me4 ,i was impious1 an atheist1 a madman1 a wild beast1 a wolf4 ,the continuator of the ,journal of ,trevoux was guilty of a piece of extravagance in attacking my pretended ,lycanthropy1 which was by no means proof of his own4 ,a stranger would have thought an author in ,paris was afraid of incurring the animadversion of the police1 by publishing a work of any kind without cramming into it some insult to me4 ,i sought in vain the cause of this unanimous animosity1 and was almost tempted to believe the world was gone mad4 ,what6 said ,i to myself1 the editor of the ',perpetual ,peace'1 spread discord2 the author of the ',confession of the ,savoyard ,vicar'1 impious2 the writer of the ',new ,eloisa'1 a wolf2 the author of ',emilius'1 a madman6 ,gracious ,god6 what then should ,i have been had ,i published the treatise of ',esprit'1 or any similar work8 ,and yet1 in the storm raised against the author of that book1 the public1 far from joining the cry of his persecutors1 revenged him of them by eulogium4 ,let his book and mine1 the receptions the two works met with1 and the treatment of the two authors in the different countries of ,europe1 be compared2 and for the difference let causes satisfactory to a man of sense be found1 and ,i will ask no more4 ,i found the residence of ,yverdon so agreeable that ,i resolved to yield to the solicitations of ,m4 ,roguin and his family1 who1 were desirous of keeping me there4 ,m4 de ,moiry de ,gingins1 bailiff of that city1 encouraged me by his goodness to remain within his jurisdiction4 ,the colonel pressed me so much to accept for my habitation a little pavilion he had in his house between the court and the garden1 that ,i complied with his request1 and he immediately furnished it with everything necessary for my little household establishment4 ,the banneret ,roguin1 one of the persons who showed me the most assiduous attention1 did not leave me for an instant during the whole day4 ,i was much flattered by his civilities1 but they sometimes importuned me4 ,the day on which ,i was to take possession of my new habitation was already fixed1 and ,i had written to ,theresa to come to me1 when suddenly a storm was raised against me in ,berne1 which was attributed to the devotees1 but ,i have never been able to learn the cause of it4 ,the senate1 excited against me1 without my knowing by whom1 did not seem disposed to suffer me to remain undisturbed in my retreat4 ,the moment the bailiff was informed of the new fermentation1 he wrote in my favor to several of the members of the government1 reproaching them with their blind intolerance1 and telling them it was shameful to refuse to a man of merit1 under oppression1 the asylum which such a numerous banditti found in their states4 ,sensible people were of opinion the warmth of his reproaches had rather embittered than softened the minds of the magistrates4 ,however this may be1 neither his influence nor eloquence could ward off the blow4 ,having received an intimation of the order he was to signify to me1 he gave me a previous communication of it2 and that ,i might wait its arrival1 ,i resolved to set off the next day4 ,the difficulty was to know where to go1 finding myself shut out from ,geneva and all ,france1 and foreseeing that in the affair each state would be anxious to imitate its neighbor4 ,madam ,boy de la ,tour proposed to me to go and reside in an uninhabited but completely furnished house1 which belonged to her son in the village of ,motiers1 in the ,val de ,travers1 in the county of ,neuchatel4 ,i had only a mountain to cross to arrive at it4 ,the offer came the more opportunely1 as in the states of the ,king of ,prussia ,i should naturally be sheltered from all persecution1 at least religion could not serve as a pretext for it4 ,but a secret difficulty3 improper for me at that moment to divulge1 had in it that which was very sufficient to make me hesitate4 ,the innnate love of justice1 to which my heart was constantly subject1 added to my secret inclination to ,france1 had inspired me with an aversion to the ,king of ,prussia1 who by his maxims and conduct1 seemed to tread under foot all respect for natural law and every duty of humanity4 ,amongst the framed engravings1 with which ,i had decorated my alcove at ,montmorency1 was a portrait of this prince1 and under it a distich1 the last line of which was as follows3 ,il pense en philosophe1 et se conduit en roi4 ,he thinks like a philosopher1 and acts like a king4 ,this verse1 which from any other pen would have been a fine eulogium1 from mine had an unequivocal meaning1 and too clearly explained the verse by which it was preceded4 ,the distich had been1 read by everybody who came to see me1 and my visitors were numerous4 ,the ,chevalier de ,lorenzy had even written it down to give it to ,d',alembert1 and ,i had no doubt but ,d' ,alembert had taken care to make my court with it to the prince4 ,i had also aggravated this first fault by a passage in ',emilius'1 where under the name of ,adrastus1 king of the ,daunians1 it was clearly seen whom ,i had in view1 and the remark had not escaped critics1 because ,madam de ,boufflers had several times mentioned the subject to me4 ,i was1 therefore1 certain of being inscribed in red ink in the registers of the ,king of ,prussia1 and besides1 supposing his majesty to have the principles ,i had dared to attribute to him1 he1 for that reason1 could not but be displeased with my writings and their author2 for everybody knows the worthless part of mankind1 and tyrants have never failed to conceive the most mortal hatred against me1 solely on reading my works1 without being acquainted with my person4 ,however1 ,i had presumption enough to depend upon his mercy1 and was far from thinking ,i ran much risk4 ,i knew none but weak men were slaves to the base passions1 and that these had but little power over strong minds1 such as ,i had always thought his to be4 ,according to his art of reigning1 ,i thought he could not but show himself magnanimous on this occasion1 and that being so in fact was not above his character4 ,i thought a mean and easy vengeance would not for a moment counterbalance his love of glory1 and putting myself in his place1 his taking advantage of circumstances to overwhelm with the weight of his generosity a man who had dared to think ill of him1 did not appear to me impossible4 ,i therefore went to settle at ,motiers1 with a confidence of which ,i imagined he would feel all the value1 and said to myself3 ,when ,jean ,jacques rises to the elevation of ,coriolanus1 will ,frederick sink below the ,general of the ,volsci8 ,colonel ,roguin insisted on crossing the mountain with me1 and installing me at ,moiters4 ,a sister-in-law to ,madam ,boy de la ,tour1 named ,madam ,girardier1 to whom the house in which ,i was going to live was very convenient1 did not see me arrive there with pleasure2 however1 she with a good grace put me in possession of my lodgings1 and ,i ate with her until ,theresa came1 and my little establishment was formed4 ,perceiving at my departure from ,montmorency ,i should in future be a fugitive upon the earth1 ,i hesitated about permitting her to come to me and partake of the wandering life to which ,i saw myself condemned4 ,i felt the nature of our relation to each other was about to change1 and that what until then had on my part been favor and friendship1 would in future become so on hers4 ,if her attachment was proof against my misfortunes1 to this ,i knew she must become a victim1 and that her grief would add to my pain4 ,should my disgrace weaken her affections1 she would make me consider her constancy as a sacrifice1 and instead of feeling the pleasure ,i had in dividing with her my last morsel of bread1 she would see nothing but her own merit in following me wherever ,i was driven by fate4 ,i must say everything2 ,i have never concealed the vices either of my poor mamma or myself2 ,i cannot be more favorable to ,theresa1 and whatever pleasure ,i may have in doing honor to a person who is dear to me1 ,i will not disguise the truth1 although it may discover in her an error1 if an involuntary change of the affections of the heart be one4 ,i had long perceived hers to grow cooler towards me1 and that she was no longer for me what she had been in our younger days4 ,of this ,i was the more sensible1 as for her ,i was what ,i had always been4 ,i fell into the same inconvenience as that of which ,i had felt the effect with mamma1 and this effect was the same now ,i was with ,theresa4 ,let us not seek for perfection1 which nature never produces2 it would be the same thing with any other woman4 ,the manner in which ,i had disposed of my children1 however reasonable it had appeared to me1 had not always left my heart at ease4 ,while writing my ',treatise on ,education'1 ,i felt ,i had neglected duties with which it was not possible to dispense4 ,remorse at length became so strong that it almost forced from me a public confession of my fault at the beginning of my ',emilius'1 and the passage is so clear1 that it is astonishing any person should1 after reading it1 have had the courage to reproach me with my error4 ,my situation was however still the same1 or something worse1 by the animosity of my enemies1 who sought to find me in a fault4 ,i feared a relapse1 and unwilling to run the risk1 ,i preferred abstinence to exposing ,theresa to a similar mortification4 ,i had besides remarked that a connection with women was prejudicial to my health2 this double reason made me form resolutions to which ,i had but sometimes badly kept1 but for the last three or four years ,i had more constantly adhered to them4 ,it was in this interval ,i had remarked ,theresa's coolness2 she had the same attachment to me from duty1 but not the least from love4 ,our intercourse naturally became less agreeable1 and ,i imagined that1 certain of the continuation of my cares wherever she might be1 she would choose to stay at ,paris rather than to wander with me4 ,yet she had given such signs of grief at our parting1 had required of me such positive promises that we should meet again1 and1 since my departure1 had expressed to the ,prince de ,conti and ,m4 de ,luxembourg so strong a desire of it1 that1 far from having the courage to speak to her of separation1 ,i scarcely had enough to think of it myself2 and after having felt in my heart how impossible it was for me to do without her1 all ,i thought of afterwards was to recall her to me as soon as possible4 ,i wrote to her to this effect1 and she came4 ,it was scarcely two months since ,i had quitted her2 but it was our first separation after a union of so many years4 ,we had both of us felt it most cruelly4 ,what emotion in our first embrace6 ,o how delightful are the tears of tenderness and joy6 ,how does my heart drink them up6 ,why have ,i not had reason to shed them more frequently8 ,on my arrival at ,motiers ,i had written to ,lord ,keith1 marshal of ,scotland and governor of ,neuchatel1 informing him of my retreat into the states of his ,prussian majesty1 and requesting of him his protection4 ,he answered me with his well-known generosity1 and in the manner ,i had expected from him4 ,he invited me to his house4 ,i went with ,m4 ,martinet1 lord of the manor of ,val de ,travers1 who was in great favor with his excellency4 ,the venerable appearance of this illustrious and virtuous ,scotchman powerfully affected my heart1 and from that instant began between him and me the strong attachment1 which on my part still remains the same1 and would be so on his1 had not the traitors1 who have deprived me of all the consolation of life1 taken advantage of my absence to deceive his old age and depreciate me in his esteem4 ,george ,keith1 hereditary marshal of ,scotland1 and brother to the famous ,general ,keith1 who lived gloriously and died in the bed of honor1 had quitted his country at a very early age1 and was proscribed on account of his attachment to the house of ,stuart4 ,with that house1 however1 he soon became disgusted with the unjust and tyrannical spirit he remarked in the ruling character of the ,stuart family4 ,he lived a long time in ,spain1 the climate of which pleased him exceedingly1 and at length attached himself1 as his brother had done1 to the service of the ,king of ,prussia1 who knew men and gave them the reception they merited4 ,his majesty received a great return for this reception1 in the services rendered him by ,marshal ,keith1 and by what was infinitely more precious1 the sincere friendship of his lordship4 ,the great mind of this worthy man1 haughty and republican1 could stoop to no other yoke than that of friendship1 but to this it was so obedient1 that with very different maxims he saw nothing but ,frederic the moment he became attached to him4 ,the king charged the marshal with affairs of importance1 sent him to ,paris1 to ,spain1 and at length1 seeing he was already advanced in years1 let him retire with the government of ,neuchatel1 and the delightful employment of passing there the remainder of his life in rendering the inhabitants happy4 ,the people of ,neuchatel1 whose manners are trivial1 know not how to distinguish solid merit1 and suppose wit to consist in long discourses4 ,when they saw a sedate man of simple manners appear amongst them1 they mistook his simplicity for haughtiness1 his candor for rusticity1 his laconism for stupidity1 and rejected his benevolent cares1 because1 wishing to be useful1 and not being a sycophant1 he knew not how to flatter people he did not esteem4 ,in the ridiculous affair of the minister ,petitpierre1 who was displaced by his colleagues1 for having been unwilling they should be eternally damned1 my lord1 opposing the usurpations of the ministers1 saw the whole country of which he took the part1 rise up against him1 and when ,i arrived there the stupid murmur had not entirely subsided4 ,he passed for a man influenced by the prejudices with which he was inspired by others1 and of all the imputations brought against him it was the most devoid of truth4 ,my first sentiment on seeing this venerable old man1 was that of tender commiseration1 on account of his extreme leanness of body1 years having already left him little else but skin and bone2 but when ,i raised my eyes to his animated1 open1 noble countenance1 ,i felt a respect1 mingled with confidence1 which absorbed every other sentiment4 ,he answered the very short compliment ,i made him when ,i first came into his presence by speaking of something else1 as if ,i had already been a week in his house4 ,he did not bid us sit down4 ,the stupid chatelain1 the lord of the manor1 remained standing4 ,for my part ,i at first sight saw in the fine and piercing eye of his lordship something so conciliating that1 feeling myself entirely at ease1 ,i without ceremony1 took my seat by his side upon the sofa4 ,by the familiarity of his manner ,i immediately perceived the liberty ,i took gave him pleasure1 and that he said to himself3 ,this is not a ,neuchatelois4 ,singular effect of the similarity of characters6 ,at an age when the heart loses its natural warmth1 that of this good old man grew warm by his attachment to me to a degree which surprised everybody4 ,he came to see me at ,motiers under the pretence of quail shooting1 and stayed there two days without touching a gun4 ,we conceived such a friendship for each other that we knew not how to live separate2 the castle of ,colombier1 where he passed the summer1 was six leagues from ,motiers2 ,i went there at least once a fortnight1 and made a stay of twenty-four hours1 and then returned like a pilgrim with my heart full of affection for my host4 ,the emotion ,i had formerly experienced in my journeys from the ,hermitage to ,eaubonne was certainly very different1 but it was not more pleasing than that with which ,i approached ,columbier4 ,what tears of tenderness have ,i shed when on the road to it1 while thinking of the paternal goodness1 amiable virtues1 and charming philosophy of this respectable old man6 ,i called him father1 and he called me son4 ,these affectionate names give1 in some measure1 an idea of the attachment by which we were united1 but by no means that of the want we felt of each other1 nor of our continual desire to be together4 ,he would absolutely give me an apartment at the castle of ,columbier1 and for a long time pressed me to take up my residence in that in which ,i lodged during my visits4 ,i at length told him ,i was more free and at my ease in my own house1 and that ,i had rather continue until the end of my life to come and see him4 ,he approved of my candor1 and never afterwards spoke to me on the subject4 ,oh1 my good lord6 ,oh1 my worthy father6 ,how is my heart still moved when ,i think of your goodness8 ,ah1 barbarous wretches6 how deeply did they wound me when they deprived me of your friendship8 ,but no1 great man1 you are and ever will be the same for me1 who am still the same4 ,you have been deceived1 but you are not changed4 ,my lord marechal is not without faults2 he is a man of wisdom1 but he is still a man4 ,with the greatest penetration1 the nicest discrimination1 and the most profound knowledge of men1 he sometimes suffers himself to be deceived1 and never recovers his error4 ,his temper is very singular and foreign to his general turn of mind4 ,he seems to forget the people he sees every day1 and thinks of them in a moment when they least expect it2 his attention seems ill-timed2 his presents are dictated by caprice and not by propriety4 ,he gives or sends in an instant whatever comes into his head1 be the value of it ever so small4 ,a young ,genevese1 desirous of entering into the service of ,prussia1 made a personal application to him2 his lordship1 instead of giving him a letter1 gave him a little bag of peas1 which he desired him to carry to the king4 ,on receiving this singular recommendation his majesty gave a commission to the bearer of it4 ,these elevated geniuses have between themselves a language which the vulgar will never understand4 ,the whimsical manner of my lord marechal1 something like the caprice of a fine woman1 rendered him still more interesting to me4 ,i was certain1 and afterwards had proofs1 that it had not the least influence over his sentiments1 nor did it affect the cares prescribed by friendship on serious occasions1 yet in his manner of obliging there is the same singularity as in his manners in general4 ,of this ,i will give one instance relative to a matter of no great importance4 ,the journey from ,motiers to ,colombier being too long for me to perform in one day1 ,i commonly divided it by setting off after dinner and sleeping at ,brot1 which is half way4 ,the landlord of the house where ,i stopped1 named ,sandoz1 having to solicit at ,berlin a favor of importance to him1 begged ,i would request his excellency to ask it in his behalf4 ,most willingly1 said ,i1 and took him with me4 ,i left him in the antechamber1 and mentioned the matter to his lordship1 who returned me no answer4 ,after passing with him the whole morning1 ,i saw as ,i crossed the hall to go to dinner1 poor ,sandoz1 who was fatigued to death with waiting4 ,thinking the governor had forgotten what ,i had said to him1 ,i again spoke of the business before we sat down to table1 but still received no answer4 ,i thought this manner of making me feel ,i was importunate rather severe1 and1 pitying the poor man in waiting1 held my tongue4 ,on my return the next day ,i was much surprised at the thanks he returned me for the good dinner his excellency had given him after receiving his paper4 ,three weeks afterwards his lordship sent him the rescript he had solicited1 dispatched by the minister1 and signed by the king1 and this without having said a word either to myself or ,sandoz concerning the business1 about which ,i thought he did not wish to give himself the least concern4 ,i could wish incessantly to speak of ,george ,keith2 from him proceeds my recollection of the last happy moments ,i have enjoyed3 the rest of my life1 since our separation1 has been passed in affliction and grief of heart4 ,the remembrance of this is so melancholy and confused that it was impossible for me to observe the least order in what ,i write1 so that in future ,i shall be under the necessity of stating facts without giving them a regular arrangement4 ,i was soon relieved from my inquietude arising from the uncertainty of my asylum1 by the answer from his majesty to the lord marshal1 in whom1 as it will readily be believed1 ,i had found an able advocate4 ,the king not only approved of what he had done1 but desired him1 for ,i must relate everything1 to give me twelve louis4 ,the good old man1 rather embarrassed by the commission1 and not knowing how to execute it properly1 endeavored to soften the insult by transforming the money into provisions1 and writing to me that he had received orders to furnish me with wood and coal to begin my little establishment2 he moreover added1 and perhaps from himself1 that his majesty would willingly build me a little house1 such a one as ,i should choose to have1 provided ,i would fix upon the ground4 ,i was extremely sensible of the kindness of the last offer1 which made me forget the weakness of the other4 ,without accepting either1 ,i considered ,frederic as my benefactor and protector1 and became so sincerely attached to him1 that from that moment ,i interested myself as much in his glory as until then ,i had thought his successes unjust4 ,at the peace he made soon after1 ,i expressed my joy by an illumination in a very good taste3 it was a string of garlands1 with which ,i decorated the house ,i inhabited1 and in which1 it is true1 ,i had the vindictive haughtiness to spend almost as much money as he had wished to give me4 ,the peace ratified1 ,i thought as he was at the highest pinnacle of military and political fame1 he would think of acquiring that of another nature1 by reanimating his states1 encouraging in them commerce and agriculture1 creating a new soil1 covering it with a new people1 maintaining peace amongst his neighbors1 and becoming the arbitrator1 after having been the terror1 of ,europe4 ,he was in a situation to sheath his sword without danger1 certain that no sovereign would oblige him again to draw it4 ,perceiving he did not disarm1 ,i was afraid he would profit but little by the advantages he had gained1 and that he would be great only by halves4 ,i dared to write to him upon the subject1 and with a familiarity of a nature to please men of his character1 conveying to him the sacred voice of truth1 which but few kings are worthy to hear4 ,the liberty ,i took was a secret between him and myself4 ,i did not communicate it even to the lord marshal1 to whom ,i sent my letter to the king sealed up4 ,his lordship forwarded my dispatch without asking what it contained4 ,his majesty returned me no answer and the marshal going soon after to ,berlin1 the king told him he had received from me a scolding4 ,by this ,i understood my letter had been ill received1 and the frankness of my zeal had been mistaken for the rusticity of a pedant4 ,in fact1 this might possibly be the case2 perhaps ,i did not say what was necessary1 nor in the manner proper to the occasion4 ,all ,i can answer for is the sentiment which induced me to take up the pen4 ,shortly after my establishment at ,motiers1 ,travers having every possible assurance that ,i should be suffered to remain there in peace1 ,i took the ,armenian habit4 ,this was not the first time ,i had thought of doing it4 ,i had formerly had the same intention1 particularly at ,montmorency1 where the frequent use of probes often obliging me to keep my chamber1 made me more clearly perceive the advantages of a long robe4 ,the convenience of an ,armenian tailor1 who frequently came to see a relation he had at ,montmorency1 almost tempted me to determine on taking this new dress1 troubling myself but little about what the world would say of it4 ,yet1 before ,i concluded about the matter1 ,i wished to take the opinion of ,m4 de ,luxembourg1 who immediately advised me to follow my inclination4 ,i therefore procured a little ,armenian wardrobe1 but on account of the storm raised against me1 ,i was induced to postpone making use of it until ,i should enjoy tranquillity1 and it was not until some months afterwards that1 forced by new attacks of my disorder1 ,i thought ,i could properly1 and without the least risk1 put on my new dress at ,motiers1 especially after having consulted the pastor of the place1 who told me ,i might wear it even in the temple without indecency4 ,i then adopted the waistcoat1 caffetan1 fur bonnet1 and girdle2 and after having in this dress attended divine service1 ,i saw no impropriety in going in it to visit his lordship4 ,his excellency in seeing me clothed in this manner made me no other compliment than that which consisted in saying ,salaam aleki1 i4e41 ,peace be with you2 the common ,turkish salutation2 after which nothing more was said upon the subject1 and ,i continued to wear my new dress4 ,having quite abandoned literature1 all ,i now thought of was leading a quiet life1 and one as agreeable as ,i could make it4 ,when alone1 ,i have never felt weariness of mind1 not even in complete inaction2 my imagination filling up every void1 was sufficient to keep up my attention4 ,the inactive babbling of a private circle1 where1 seated opposite to each other1 they who speak move nothing but the tongue1 is the only thing ,i have ever been unable to support4 ,when walking and rambling about there is some satisfaction in conversation2 the feet and eyes do something2 but to hear people with their arms across speak of the weather1 of the biting of flies1 or what is still worse1 compliment each other1 is to me an insupportable torment4 ,that ,i might not live like a savage1 ,i took it into my head to learn to make laces4 ,like the women1 ,i carried my cushion with me1 when ,i went to make visits1 or sat down to work at my door1 and chatted with passers-by4 ,this made me the better support the emptiness of babbling1 and enabled me to pass my time with my female neighbors without weariness4 ,several of these were very amiable and not devoid of wit4 ,one in particular1 ,isabella d',ivernois1 daughter of the attorney-general of ,neuchatel1 ,i found so estimable as to induce me to enter with her into terms of particular friendship1 from which she derived some advantage by the useful advice ,i gave her1 and the services she received from me on occasions of importance1 so that now a worthy and virtuous mother of a family1 she is perhaps indebted to me for her reason1 her husband1 her life1 and happiness4 ,on my part1 ,i received from her gentle consolation1 particularly during a melancholy winter1 throughout the whole of which when my sufferings were most cruel1 she came to pass with ,theresa and me long evenings1 which she made very short for us by her agreeable conversation1 and our mutual openness of heart4 ,she called me papa1 and ,i called her daughter1 and these names1 which we still give to each other1 will1 ,i hope1 continue to be as dear to her as they are to me4 ,that my laces might be of some utility1 ,i gave them to my young female friends at their marriages1 upon condition of their suckling their children2 ,isabella's eldest sister had one upon these terms1 and well deserved it by her observance of them2 ,isabella herself also received another1 which1 by intention1 she as fully merited4 ,she has not been happy enough to be able to pursue her inclination4 ,when ,i sent the laces to the two sisters1 ,i wrote each of them a letter2 the first has been shown about in the world2 the second has not the same celebrity3 friendship proceeds with less noise4 ,amongst the connections ,i made in my neighborhood1 of which ,i will not enter into a detail1 ,i must mention that with ,colonel ,pury1 who had a house upon the mountain1 where he came to pass the summer4 ,i was not anxious to become acquainted with him1 because ,i knew he was upon bad terms at court1 and with the lord marshal1 whom he did not visit4 ,yet1 as he came to see me1 and showed me much attention1 ,i was under the necessity of returning his visit2 this was repeated1 and we sometimes dined with each other4 ,at his house ,i became acquainted with ,m4 du ,perou1 and afterwards too intimately connected with him to pass his name over in silence4 ,m4 du ,perou was an ,american1 son to a commandant of ,surinam1 whose successor1 ,m4 le ,chambrier1 of ,neuchatel1 married his widow4 ,left a widow a second time1 she came with her son to live in the country of her second husband4 ,du ,perou1 an only son1 very rich1 and tenderly beloved by his mother1 had been carefully brought up1 and his education was not lost upon him4 ,he had acquired much knowledge1 a taste for the arts1 and piqued himself upon his having cultivated his rational faculty3 his ,dutch appearance1 yellow complexion1 and silent and close disposition1 favored this opinion4 ,although young1 he was already deaf and gouty4 ,this rendered his motions deliberate and very grave1 and although he was fond of disputing1 he in general spoke but little because his hearing was bad4 ,i was struck with his exterior1 and said to myself1 this is a thinker1 a man of wisdom1 such a one as anybody would be happy to have for a friend4 ,he frequently addressed himself to me without paying the least compliment1 and this strengthened the favorable opinion ,i had already formed of him4 ,he said but little to me of myself or my books1 and still less of himself2 he was not destitute of ideas1 and what he said was just4 ,this justness and equality attracted my regard4 ,he had neither the elevation of mind1 nor the discrimination of the lord marshal1 but he had all his simplicity3 this was still representing him in something4 ,i did not become infatuated with him1 but he acquired my attachment from esteem2 and by degrees this esteem led to friendship1 and ,i totally forgot the objection ,i made to the ,baron ,holbach3 that he was too rich4 ,for a long time ,i saw but little of ,du ,perou1 because ,i did not go to ,neuchatel1 and he came but once a year to the mountain of ,colonel ,pury4 ,why did ,i not go to ,neuchatel8 ,this proceeded from a childishness upon which ,i must not be silent4 ,although protected by the ,king of ,prussia and the lord marshal1 while ,i avoided persecution in my asylum1 ,i did not avoid the murmurs of the public1 of municipal magistrates and ministers4 ,after what had happened in ,france it became fashionable to insult me2 these people would have been afraid to seem to disapprove of what my persecutors had done by not imitating them4 ,the 'classe' of ,neuchatel1 that is1 the ministers of that city1 gave the impulse1 by endeavoring to move the council of state against me4 ,this attempt not having succeeded1 the ministers addressed themselves to the municipal magistrate1 who immediately prohibited my book1 treating me on all occasions with but little civility1 and saying1 that had ,i wished to reside in the city ,i should not have been suffered to do it4 ,they filled their ,mercury with absurdities and the most stupid hypocrisy1 which1 although1 it makes every man of sense laugh1 animated the people against me4 ,this1 however1 did not prevent them from setting forth that ,i ought to be very grateful for their permitting me to live at ,motiers1 where they had no authority2 they would willingly have measured me the air by the pint1 provided ,i had paid for it a dear price4 ,they would have it that ,i was obliged to them for the protection the king granted me in spite of the efforts they incessantly made to deprive me of it4 ,finally1 failing of success1 after having done me all the injury they could1 and defamed me to the utmost of their power1 they made a merit of their impotence1 by boasting of their goodness in suffering me to stay in their country4 ,i ought to have laughed at their vain efforts1 but ,i was foolish enough to be vexed at them1 and had the weakness to be unwilling to go to ,neuchatel1 to which ,i yielded for almost two years1 as if it was not doing too much honor to such wretches1 to pay attention to their proceedings1 which1 good or bad1 could not be imputed to them1 because they never act but from a foreign impulse4 ,besides1 minds without sense or knowledge1 whose objects of esteem are influence1 power and money1 and far from imagining even that some respect is due to talents1 and that it is dishonorable to injure and insult them4 ,a certain mayor of a village1 who from sundry malversations had been deprived of his office1 said to the lieutenant of ,val de ,travers1 the husband of ,isabella3 ,i am told this ,rousseau has great wit1--bring him to me that ,i may see whether he has or not4 ,the disapprobation of such a man ought certainly to have no effect upon those on whom it falls4 ,after the treatment ,i had received at ,paris1 ,geneva1 ,berne1 and even at ,neuchatel1 ,i expected no favor from the pastor of this place4 ,i had1 however1 been recommended to him by ,madam ,boy de la ,tour1 and he had given me a good reception2 but in that country where every new-comer is indiscriminately flattered1 civilities signify but little4 ,yet1 after my solemn union with the reformed church1 and living in a ,protestant country1 ,i could not1 without failing in my engagements1 as well as in the duty of a citizen1 neglect the public profession of the religion into which ,i had entered2 ,i therefore attended divine service4 ,on the other hand1 had ,i gone to the holy table1 ,i was afraid of exposing myself to a refusal1 and it was by no means probable1 that after the tumult excited at ,geneva by the council1 and at ,neuchatel by the classe 7the ministers71 he would1 without difficulty1 administer to me the sacrament in his church4 ,the time of communion approaching1 ,i wrote to ,m4 de ,montmollin1 the minister1 to prove to him my desire of communicating1 and declaring myself heartily united to the ,protestant church2 ,i also told him1 in order to avoid disputing upon articles of faith1 that ,i would not hearken to any particular explanation of the point of doctrine4 ,after taking these steps ,i made myself easy1 not doubting but ,m4 de ,montmollin would refuse to admit me without the preliminary discussion to which ,i refused to consent1 and that in this manner everything would be at an end without any fault of mine4 ,i was deceived3 when ,i least expected anything of the kind1 ,m4 de ,montmollin came to declare to me not only that he admitted me to the communion under the condition which ,i had proposed1 but that he and the elders thought themselves much honored by my being one of their flock4 ,i never in my whole life felt greater surprise or received from it more consolation4 ,living always alone and unconnected appeared to me a melancholy destiny1 especially in adversity4 ,in the midst of so many proscriptions and persecutions1 ,i found it extremely agreeable to be able to say to myself3 ,i am at least amongst my brethren2 and ,i went to the communion with an emotion of heart1 and my eyes suffused with tears of tenderness1 which perhaps were the most agreeable preparation to ,him to whose table ,i was drawing near4 ,sometime afterwards his lordship sent me a letter from ,madam de ,boufflers1 which he had received1 at least ,i presumed so1 by means of ,d',alembert1 who was acquainted with the marechal4 ,in this letter1 the first this lady had written to me after my departure from ,montmorency1 she rebuked me severely for having written to ,m4 de ,montmollin1 and especially for having communicated4 ,i the less understood what she meant by her reproof1 as after my journey to ,geneva1 ,i had constantly declared myself a ,protestant1 and had gone publicly to the ,hotel de ,hollande without incurring the least censure from anybody4 ,it appeared to me diverting enough1 that ,madam de ,boufflers should wish to direct my conscience in matters of religion4 ,however1 as ,i had no doubt of the purity of her intention1 ,i was not offended by this singular sally1 and ,i answered her without anger1 stating to her my reasons4 ,calumnies in print were still industriously circulated1 and their benign authors reproached the different powers with treating me too mildly4 ,for my part1 ,i let them say and write what they pleased1 without giving myself the least concern about the matter4 ,i was told there was a censure from the ,sorbonne1 but this ,i could not believe4 ,what could the ,sorbonne have to do in the matter8 ,did the doctors wish to know to a certainty that ,i was not a ,catholic8 ,everybody already knew ,i was not one4 ,were they desirous of proving ,i was not a good ,calvinist8 ,of what consequence was this to them8 ,it was taking upon themselves a singular care1 and becoming the substitutes of our ministers4 ,before ,i saw this publication ,i thought it was distributed in the name of the ,sorbonne1 by way of mockery3 and when ,i had read it ,i was convinced this was the case4 ,but when at length there was not a doubt of its authenticity1 all ,i could bring myself to believe was1 that the learned doctors would have been better placed in a madhouse than they were in the college4 ,i was more affected by another publication1 because it came from a man for whom ,i always had an esteem1 and whose constancy ,i admired1 though ,i pitied his blindness4 ,i mean the mandatory letter against me by the archbishop of ,paris4 ,i thought to return an answer to it was a duty ,i owed myself4 ,this ,i felt ,i could do without derogating from my dignity2 the case was something similar to that of the ,king of ,poland4 ,i had always detested brutal disputes1 after the manner of ,voltaire4 ,i never combat but with dignity1 and before ,i deign to defend myself ,i must be certain that he by whom ,i am attacked will not dishonor my retort4 ,i had no doubt but this letter was fabricated by the ,jesuits1 and although they were at that time in distress1 ,i discovered in it their old principle of crushing the wretched4 ,i was therefore at liberty to follow my ancient maxim1 by honoring the titulary author1 and refuting the work which ,i think ,i did completely4 ,i found my residence at ,motiers very agreeable1 and nothing was wanting to determine me to end my days there1 but a certainty of the means of subsistence4 ,living is dear in that neighborhood1 and all my old projects had been overturned by the dissolution of my household arrangements at ,montmorency1 the establishment of others1 the sale or squandering of my furniture1 and the expenses incurred since my departure4 ,the little capital which remained to me daily diminished4 ,two or three years were sufficient to consume the remainder without my having the means of renewing it1 except by again engaging in literary pursuits3 a pernicious profession which ,i had already abandoned4 ,persuaded that everything which concerned me would change1 and that the public1 recovered from its frenzy1 would make my persecutors blush1 all my endeavors tended to prolong my resources until this happy revolution should take place1 after which ,i should more at my ease choose a resource from amongst those which might offer themselves4 ,to this effect ,i took up my ,dictionary of ,music1 which ten years' labor had so far advanced as to leave nothing wanting to it but the last corrections4 ,my books which ,i had lately received1 enabled me to finish this work2 my papers sent me by the same conveyance1 furnished me with the means of beginning my memoirs to which ,i was determined to give my whole attention4 ,i began by transcribing the letters into a book1 by which my memory might be guided in the order of fact and time4 ,i had already selected those ,i intended to keep for this purpose1 and for ten years the series was not interrupted4 ,however1 in preparing them for copying ,i found an interruption at which ,i was surprised4 ,this was for almost six months1 from ,october1 #agef1 to ,march following4 ,i recollected having put into my selection a number of letters from ,diderot1 ,de ,leyre1 ,madam d' ,epinay1 ,madam de ,chenonceaux1 etc41 which filled up the void and were missing4 ,what was become of them8 ,had any person laid their hands upon my papers whilst they remained in the ,hotel de ,luxembourg8 ,this was not conceivable1 and ,i had seen ,m4 de ,luxembourg take the key of the chamber in which ,i had deposited them4 ,many letters from different ladies1 and all those from ,diderot1 were without date1 on which account ,i had been under the necessity of dating them from memory before they could be put in order1 and thinking ,i might have committed errors1 ,i again looked them over for the purpose of seeing whether or not ,i could find those which ought to fill up the void4 ,this experiment did not succeed4 ,i perceived the vacancy to be real1 and that the letters had certainly been taken away4 ,by whom and for what purpose8 ,this was what ,i could not comprehend4 ,these letters1 written prior to my great quarrels1 and at the time of my first enthusiasm in the composition of ',eloisa'1 could not be interesting to any person4 ,they contained nothing more than cavillings by ,diderot1 jeerings from ,de ,leyre1 assurances of friendship from ,m4 de ,chenonceaux1 and even ,madam d',epinay1 with whom ,i was then upon the best of terms4 ,to whom were these letters of consequence8 ,to what use were they to be put8 ,it was not until seven years afterwards that ,i suspected the nature of the theft4 ,the deficiency being no longer doubtful1 ,i looked over my rough drafts to see whether or not it was the only one4 ,i found several1 which on account of the badness of my memory1 made me suppose others in the multitude of my papers4 ,those ,i remarked were that of the ',morale ,sensitive'1 and the extract of the adventures of ,lord ,edward4 ,the last1 ,i confess1 made me suspect ,madam de ,luxembourg4 ,la ,roche1 her valet de chambre1 had sent me the papers1 and ,i could think of nobody but herself to whom this fragment could be of consequence2 but what concern could the other give her1 any more than the rest of the letters missing1 with which1 even with evil intentions1 nothing to my prejudice could be done1 unless they were falsified8 ,as for the marechal1 with whose friendship for me1 and invariable integrity1 ,i was perfectly acquainted1 ,i never could suspect him for a moment4 ,the most reasonable supposition1 after long tormenting my mind in endeavoring to discover the author of the theft1 was that which imputed it to ,d',alembert1 who1 having thrust himself into the company of ,madam de ,luxembourg1 might have found means to turn over these papers1 and take from amongst them such manuscripts and letters as he might have thought proper1 either for the purpose of endeavoring to embroil me with the writer of them1 or to appropriate those he should find useful to his own private purposes4 ,i imagined that1 deceived by the title of ,morale ,sensitive1 he might have supposed it to be the plan of a real treatise upon materialism1 with which he would have armed himself against me in a manner easy to be imagined4 ,certain that he would soon be undeceived by reading the sketch and determined to quit all literary pursuits1 these larcenies gave me but little concern4 ,they besides were not the first the same hand had committed upon me without having complained of these pilferings4 ,i had found in his ',elemens de ,musique' 7,elements of ,music7 several things taken from what ,i had written for the ',encyclopedie'1 and which were given to him several years before the publication of his elements4 ,i know not what he may have had to do with a book entitled ',dictionaire des ,beaux ,arts' 7,dictionary of the ,fine ,arts7 but ,i found in it articles transcribed word for word from mine1 and this long before the same articles were printed in the ,encyclopedie4 ,in a very little time ,i thought no more of the trick that had been played me than if nothing had happened1 and began to collect the materials ,i had left for the purpose of undertaking my projected confessions4 ,i had long thought the company of ministers1 or at least the citizens and burgesses of ,geneva1 would remonstrate against the infraction of the edict in the decree made against me4 ,everything remained quiet1 at least to all exterior appearance2 for discontent was general1 and ready1 on the first opportunity1 openly to manifest itself4 ,my friends1 or persons calling themselves such1 wrote letter after letter exhorting me to come and put myself at their head1 assuring me of public separation from the council4 ,the fear of the disturbance and troubles which might be caused by my presence1 prevented me from acquiescing with their desires1 and1 faithful to the oath ,i had formerly made1 never to take the least part in any civil dissension in my country1 ,i chose rather to let the offence remain as it was1 and banish myself forever from the country1 than to return to it by means which were violent and dangerous4 ,it is true1 ,i expected the burgesses would make legal remonstrances against an infraction in which their interests were deeply concerned2 but no such steps were taken4 ,they who conducted the body of citizens sought less the real redress of grievances than an opportunity to render themselves necessary4 ,they caballed but were silent1 and suffered me to be bespattered by the gossips and hypocrites set on to render me odious in the eyes of the populace1 and pass off their misdemeanors as religious zeal4 ,after having1 during a whole year1 vainly expected that some one would remonstrate against an illegal proceeding1 and seeing myself abandoned by my fellow-citizens1 ,i determined to renounce my ungrateful country in which ,i never had lived1 from which ,i had not received either inheritance or services1 and by which1 in return for the honor ,i had endeavored to do it1 ,i saw myself so unworthily treated by unanimous consent1 since they1 who should have spoken1 had remained silent4 ,i therefore wrote to the first syndic for that year1 to ,m4 ,favre1 if ,i remember right1 a letter in which ,i solemnly gave up my freedom of the city of ,geneva1 carefully observing in it1 however1 that decency and moderation1 from which ,i have never departed in the acts of haughtiness which1 in my misfortunes1 the cruelty of my enemies have frequently forced upon me1 ,this step opened the eyes of the citizens1 who feeling they had neglected their own interests by abandoning my defence1 took my part when it was too late4 ,they had wrongs of their own which they joined to mine1 and made these the subject of several well-reasoned representations1 which they strengthened and extended1 as the refusal of the council1 supported by the ministry of ,france1 made them more clearly perceive the project formed to impose on them a yoke4 ,these altercations produced several pamphlets which were undecisive1 until that appeared entitled ',lettres ecrites de la ,campagne'1 a work written in favor of the council1 with infinite art1 and by which the remonstrating party1 reduced to silence1 was crushed for a time4 ,this production1 a lasting monument of the rare talents of its author1 came from the ,attorney-,general ,tronchin1 a man of wit and an enlightened understanding1 well versed in the laws and government of the republic4 ',siluit terra'4 ,the remonstrators1 recovered from their first overthrow1 undertook to give an answer1 and in time produced one which brought them off tolerably well4 ,but they all looked to me1 as the only person capable of combating a like adversary with hope of success4 ,i confess ,i was of their opinion1 and excited by my former fellow-citizens1 who thought it was my duty to aid them with my pen1 as ,i had been the cause of their embarrassment1 ,i undertook to refute the ',lettres ecrites de la ,campagne'1 and parodied the title of them by that of ',lettres ecrites de la ,montagne1' which ,i gave to mine4 ,i wrote this answer so secretly1 that at a meeting ,i had at ,thonon1 with the chiefs of the malcontents to talk of their affairs1 and where they showed me a sketch of their answer1 ,i said not a word of mine1 which was quite ready1 fearing obstacles might arise relative to the impression of it1 should the magistrate or my enemies hear of what ,i had done4 ,this work was1 however known in ,france before the publication2 but government chose rather to let it appear1 than to suffer me to guess at the means by which my secret had been discovered4 ,concerning this ,i will state what ,i know1 which is but trifling3 what ,i have conjectured shall remain with myself4 ,i received1 at ,motiers1 almost as many visits as at the ,hermitage and ,montmorency2 but these1 for the most part were a different kind4 ,they who had formerly come to see me were people who1 having taste1 talents1 and principles1 something similar to mine1 alleged them as the causes of their visits1 and introduced subjects on which ,i could converse4 ,at ,motiers the case was different1 especially with the visitors who came from ,france4 ,they were officers or other persons who had no taste for literature1 nor had many of them read my works1 although1 according to their own accounts1 they had travelled thirty1 forty1 sixty1 and even a hundred leagues to come and see me1 and admire the illustrious man1 the very celebrated1 the great man1 etc4 ,for from the time of my settling at ,motiers1 ,i received the most impudent flattery1 from which the esteem of those with whom ,i associated had formerly sheltered me4 ,as but few of my new visitors deigned to tell me who or what they were1 and as they had neither read nor cast their eye over my works1 nor had their researches and mine been directed to the same objects1 ,i knew not what to speak to them upon3 ,i waited for what they had to say1 because it was for them to know and tell me the purpose of their visit4 ,it will naturally be imagined this did not produce conversations very interesting to me1 although they1 perhaps1 were so to my visitors1 according to the information they might wish to acquire2 for as ,i was without suspicion1 ,i answered without reserve1 to every question they thought proper to ask me1 and they commonly went away as well informed as myself of the particulars of my situation4 ,i was1 for example1 visited in this manner by ,m4 de ,feins1 equerry to the queen1 and captain of cavalry1 who had the patience to pass several days at ,motiers1 and to follow me on foot even to ,la ,ferriere1 leading his horse by the bridle1 without having with me any point of union1 except our acquaintance with ,mademoiselle ,fel1 and that we both played at 'bilboquet'4 ,a kind of cup and ball4 ,before this ,i had received another visit much more extraordinary4 ,two men arrived on foot1 each leading a mule loaded with his little baggage1 lodging at the inn1 taking care of their mules and asking to see me4 ,by the equipage of these muleteers they were taken for smugglers1 and the news that smugglers were come to see me was instantly spread4 ,their manner of addressing me sufficiently showed they were persons of another description2 but without being smugglers they might be adventurers1 and this doubt kept me for some time on my guard4 ,they soon removed my apprehensions4 ,one was ,m4 de ,montauban1 who had the title of ,comte de la ,tour du ,pin1 gentleman to the dauphin2 the other1 ,m4 ,dastier de ,carpentras1 an old officer who had his cross of ,st4 ,louis in his pocket1 because he could not display it4 ,these gentlemen1 both very amiable1 were men of sense1 and their manner of travelling1 so much to my own taste1 and but little like that of ,french gentlemen1 in some measure gained them my attachment1 which an intercourse with them served to improve4 ,our acquaintance did not end with the visit2 it is still kept up1 and they have since been several times to see me1 not on foot1 that was very well for the first time2 but the more ,i have seen of these gentlemen the less similarity have ,i found between their taste and mine2 ,i have not discovered their maxims to be such as ,i have ever observed1 that my writings are familiar to them1 or that there is any real sympathy between them and myself4 ,what1 therefore1 did they want with me8 ,why came they to see me with such an equipage8 ,why repeat their visit8 ,why were they so desirous of having me for their host8 ,i did not at that time propose to myself these questions2 but they have sometimes occurred to me since4 ,won by their advances1 my heart abandoned itself without reserve1 especially to ,m4 ,dastier1 with whose open countenance ,i was more particularly pleased4 ,i even corresponded with him1 and when ,i determined to print the ',letters from the ,mountains'1 ,i thought of addressing myself to him1 to deceive those by whom my packet was waited for upon the road to ,holland4 ,he had spoken to me a good deal1 and perhaps purposely1 upon the liberty of the press at ,avignon2 he offered me his services should ,i have anything to print there3 ,i took advantage of the offer and sent him successively by the post my first sheets4 ,after having kept these for some time1 he sent them back to me1 ,because1 said he1 no bookseller dared to sell them2 and ,i was obliged to have recourse to ,rey taking care to send my papers1 one after the other1 and not to part with those which succeeded until ,i had advice of the reception of those already sent4 ,before the work was published1 ,i found it had been seen in the office of the ministers1 and ,d',escherny1 of ,neuchatel1 spoke to me of the book1 entitled ',de l',homme de la ,montagne'1 which ,d',holbach had told him was by me4 ,i assured him1 and it was true1 that ,i never had written a book which bore that title4 ,when the letters appeared he became furious1 and accused me of falsehood2 although ,i had told him truth4 ,by this means ,i was certain my manuscript had been read2 as ,i could not doubt the fidelity of ,rey1 the most rational conjecture seemed to be1 that my packets had been opened at the post-house4 ,another acquaintance ,i made much about the same time1 but which was begun by letters1 was that with ,m4 ,laliand of ,nimes1 who wrote to me from ,paris1 begging ,i would send him my profile2 he said he was in want of it for my bust in marble1 which ,le ,moine was making for him to be placed in his library4 ,if this was a pretence invented to deceive me1 it fully succeeded4 ,i imagined that a man who wished to have my bust in marble in his library had his head full of my works1 consequently of my principles1 and that he loved me because his mind was in unison with mine4 ,it was natural this idea should seduce me4 ,i have since seen ,m4 ,laliand4 ,i found him very ready to render me many trifling services1 and to concern himself in my little affairs1 but ,i have my doubts of his having1 in the few books he ever read1 fallen upon any one of those ,i have written4 ,i do not know that he has a library1 or that such a thing is of any use to him2 and for the bust he has a bad figure in plaster1 by ,le ,moine1 from which has been engraved a hideous portrait that bears my name1 as if it bore to me some resemblance4 ,the only ,frenchman who seemed to come to see me1 on account of my sentiments1 and his taste for my works1 was a young officer of the regiment of ,limousin1 named ,seguier de ,st4 ,brisson4 ,he made a figure in ,paris1 where he still perhaps distinguishes himself by his pleasing talents and wit4 ,he came once to ,montmorency1 the winter which preceded my catastrophe4 ,i was pleased with his vivacity4 ,he afterwards wrote to me at ,motiers1 and whether he wished to flatter me1 or that his head was turned with ,emilius1 he informed me he was about to quit the service to live independently1 and had begun to learn the trade of a carpenter4 ,he had an elder brother1 a captain in the same regiment1 the favorite of the mother1 who1 a devotee to excess1 and directed by ,i know not what hypocrite1 did not treat the youngest son well1 accusing him of irreligion1 and what was still worse1 of the unpardonable crime of being connected with me4 ,these were the grievances1 on account of which he was determined to break with his mother1 and adopt the manner of life of which ,i have just spoken1 all to play the part of the young ,emilius4 ,alarmed at his petulance1 ,i immediately wrote to him1 endeavoring to make him change his resolution1 and my exhortations were as strong as ,i could make them4 ,they had their effect4 ,he returned to his duty1 to his mother1 and took back the resignation he had given the colonel1 who had been prudent enough to make no use of it1 that the young man might have time to reflect upon what he had done4 ,st4 ,brisson1 cured of these follies1 was guilty of another less alarming1 but1 to me1 not less disagreeable than the rest3 he became an author4 ,he successively published two or three pamphlets which announced a man not devoid of talents1 but ,i have not to reproach myself with having encouraged him by my praises to continue to write4 ,some time afterwards he came to see me1 and we made together a pilgrimage to the island of ,st4 ,pierre4 ,during this journey ,i found him different from what ,i saw of him at ,montmorency4 ,he had1 in his manner1 something affected1 which at first did not much disgust me1 although ,i have since thought of it to his disadvantage4 ,he once visited me at the hotel de ,st4 ,simon1 as ,i passed through ,paris on my way to ,england4 ,i learned there what he had not told me1 that he lived in the great world1 and often visited ,madam de ,luxembourg4 ,whilst ,i was at ,trie1 ,i never heard from him1 nor did he so much as make inquiry after me1 by means of his relation ,mademoiselle ,seguier1 my neighbor4 ,this lady never seemed favorably disposed towards me4 ,in a word1 the infatuation of ,m4 de ,st4 ,brisson ended suddenly1 like the connection of ,m4 de ,feins3 but this man owed me nothing1 and the former was under obligations to me1 unless the follies ,i prevented him from committing were nothing more than affectation2 which might very possibly be the case4 ,i had visits from ,geneva also4 ,the ,delucs1 father and son1 successively chose me for their attendant in sickness4 ,the father was taken ill on the road1 the son was already sick when he left ,geneva2 they both came to my house4 ,ministers1 relations1 hypocrites1 and persons of every description came from ,geneva and ,switzerland1 not like those from ,france1 to laugh at and admire me1 but to rebuke and catechise me4 ,the only person amongst them who gave me pleasure1 was ,moultou1 who passed with me three or four days1 and whom ,i wished to remain much longer2 the most persevering of all1 the most obstinate1 and who conquered me by importunity1 was a ,m4 d',ivernois1 a merchant at ,geneva1 a ,french refugee1 and related to the attorney-general of ,neuchatel4 ,this man came from ,geneva to ,motiers twice a year1 on purpose to see me1 remained with me several days together from morning to night1 accompanied me in my walks1 brought me a thousand little presents1 insinuated himself in spite of me into my confidence1 and intermeddled in all my affairs1 notwithstanding there was not between him and myself the least similarity of ideas1 inclination1 sentiment1 or knowledge4 ,i do not believe he ever read a book of any kind throughout1 or that he knows upon what subject mine are written4 ,when ,i began to herbalize1 he followed me in my botanical rambles1 without taste for that amusement1 or having anything to say to me or ,i to him4 ,he had the patience to pass with me three days in a public house at ,goumoins1 whence1 by wearying him and making him feel how much he wearied me1 ,i was in hopes of driving him away4 ,i could not1 however1 shake his incredible perseverance1 nor by any means discover the motive of it4 ,amongst these connections1 made and continued by force1 ,i must not omit the only one that was agreeable to me1 and in which my heart was really interested3 this was that ,i had with a young ,hungarian who came to live at ,neuchatel1 and from that place to ,motiers1 a few months after ,i had taken up my residence there4 ,he was called by the people of the country the ,baron de ,sauttern1 by which name he had been recommended from ,zurich4 ,he was tall1 well made1 had an agreeable countenance1 and mild and social qualities4 ,he told everybody1 and gave me also to understand that he came to ,neuchatel for no other purpose1 than that of forming his youth to virtue1 by his intercourse with me4 ,his physiognomy1 manner1 and behavior1 seemed well suited to his conversation1 and ,i should have thought ,i failed in one of the greatest duties had ,i turned my back upon a young man in whom ,i perceived nothing but what was amiable1 and who sought my acquaintance from so respectable a motive4 ,my heart knows not how to connect itself by halves4 ,he soon acquired my friendship1 and all my confidence1 and we were presently inseparable4 ,he accompanied me in all my walks1 and became fond of them4 ,i took him to the marechal1 who received him with the utmost kindness4 ,as he was yet unable to explain himself in ,french1 he spoke and wrote to me in ,latin1 ,i answered in ,french1 and this mingling of the two languages did not make our conversations either less smooth or lively4 ,he spoke of his family1 his affairs1 his adventures1 and of the court of ,vienna1 with the domestic details of which he seemed well acquainted4 ,in fine1 during two years which we passed in the greatest intimacy1 ,i found in him a mildness of character proof against everything1 manners not only polite but elegant1 great neatness of person1 an extreme decency in his conversation1 in a word1 all the marks of a man born and educated a gentleman1 and which rendered him in my eyes too estimable not to make him dear to me4 ,at the time we were upon the most intimate and friendly terms1 ,d' ,ivernois wrote to me from ,geneva1 putting me upon my guard against the young ,hungarian who had taken up his residence in my neighborhood2 telling me he was a spy whom the minister of ,france had appointed to watch my proceedings4 ,this information was of a nature to alarm me the more1 as everybody advised me to guard against the machinations of persons who were employed to keep an eye upon my actions1 and to entice me into ,france for the purpose of betraying me4 ,to shut the mouths1 once for all1 of these foolish advisers1 ,i proposed to ,sauttern1 without giving him the least intimation of the information ,i had received1 a journey on foot to ,pontarlier1 to which he consented4 ,as soon as we arrived there ,i put the letter from ,d',ivernois into his hands1 and after giving him an ardent embrace1 ,i said3 ,sauttern has no need of a proof of my confidence in him1 but it is necessary ,i should prove to the public that ,i know in whom to place it4 ,this embrace was accompanied with a pleasure which persecutors can neither feel themselves1 nor take away from the oppressed4 ,i will never believe ,sauttern was a spy1 nor that he betrayed me3 but ,i was deceived by him4 ,when ,i opened to him my heart without reserve1 he constantly kept his own shut1 and abused me by lies4 ,he invented ,i know not what kind of story1 to prove to me his presence was necessary in his own country4 ,i exhorted him to return to it as soon as possible4 ,he set off1 and when ,i thought he was in ,hungary1 ,i learned he was at ,strasbourgh4 ,this was not the first time he had been there4 ,he had caused some disorder in a family in that city2 and the husband knowing ,i received him in my house1 wrote to me4 ,i used every effort to bring the young woman back to the paths of virtue1 and ,sauttern to his duty4 ,when ,i thought they were perfectly detached from each other1 they renewed their acquaintance1 and the husband had the complaisance to receive the young man at his house2 from that moment ,i had nothing more to say4 ,i found the pretended baron had imposed upon me by a great number of lies4 ,his name was not ,sauttern1 but ,sauttersheim4 ,with respect to the title of baron1 given him in ,switzerland1 ,i could not reproach him with the impropriety1 because he had never taken it2 but ,i have not a doubt of his being a gentleman1 and the marshal1 who knew mankind1 and had been in ,hungary1 always considered and treated him as such4 ,he had no sooner left my neighborhood1 than the girl at the inn where he ate1 at ,motiers1 declared herself with child by him4 ,she was so dirty a creature1 and ,sauttern1 generally esteemed in the country for his conduct and purity of morals1 piqued himself so much upon cleanliness1 that everybody was shocked at this impudent pretension4 ,the most amiable women of the country1 who had vainly displayed to him their charms1 were furious3 ,i myself was almost choked with indignation4 ,i used every effort to get the tongue of this impudent woman stopped1 offering to pay all expenses1 and to give security for ,sauttersheim4 ,i wrote to him in the fullest persuasion1 not only that this pregnancy could not relate to him1 but that it was feigned1 and the whole a machination of his enemies and mine4 ,i wished him to return and confound the strumpet1 and those by whom she was dictated to4 ,the pusillanimity of his answer surprised me4 ,he wrote to the master of the parish to which the creature belonged1 and endeavored to stifle the matter4 ,perceiving this1 ,i concerned myself no more about it1 but ,i was astonished that a man who could stoop so low should have been sufficiently master of himself to deceive me by his reserve in the closest familiarity4 ,from ,strasbourgh1 ,sauttersheim went to seek his fortune in ,paris1 and found there nothing but misery4 ,he wrote to me acknowledging his error4 ,my compassion was excited by the recollection of our former friendship1 and ,i sent him a sum of money4 ,the year following1 as ,i passed through ,paris1 ,i saw him much in the same situation2 but he was the intimate friend of ,m4 de ,laliand1 and ,i could not learn by what means he had formed this acquaintance1 or whether it was recent or of long standing4 ,two years afterwards ,sauttersheim returned to ,strasbourgh1 whence he wrote to me and where he died4 ,this1 in a few words1 is the history of our connection1 and what ,i know of his adventures2 but while ,i mourn the fate of the unhappy young man1 ,i still1 and ever shall1 believe he was the son of people of distinction1 and the impropriety of his conduct was the effect of the situations to which he was reduced4 ,such were the connections and acquaintance ,i acquired at ,motiers4 ,how many of these would have been necessary to compensate the cruel losses ,i suffered at the same time4 ,the first of these was that of ,m4 de ,luxembourg1 who1 after having been long tormented by the physicians1 at length became their victim1 by being treated for the gout which they would not acknowledge him to have1 as for a disorder they thought they could cure4 ,according to what ,la ,roche1 the confidential servant of ,madam de ,luxembourg1 wrote to me relative to what had happened1 it is by this cruel and memorable example that the miseries of greatness are to be deplored4 ,the loss of this good nobleman afflicted me the more1 as he was the only real friend ,i had in ,france1 and the mildness of his character was such as to make me quite forget his rank1 and attach myself to him as his equal4 ,our connection was not broken off on account of my having quitted the kingdom2 he continued to write to me as usual4 ,i nevertheless thought ,i perceived that absence1 or my misfortune1 had cooled his affection for me4 ,it is difficult to a courtier to preserve the same attachment to a person whom he knows to be in disgrace with courts4 ,i moreover suspected the great ascendancy ,madam de ,luxembourg had over his mind had been unfavorable to me1 and that she had taken advantage of our separation to injure me in his esteem4 ,for her part1 notwithstanding a few affected marks of regard1 which daily became less frequent1 she less concealed the change in her friendship4 ,she wrote to me four or five times into ,switzerland1 after which she never wrote to me again1 and nothing but my prejudice1 confidence and blindness1 could have prevented my discovering in her something more than a coolness towards me4 ,guy the bookseller1 partner with ,duchesne1 who1 after ,i had left ,montmorency1 frequently went to the hotel de ,luxembourg1 wrote to me that my name was in the will of the marechal4 ,there was nothing in this either incredible or extraordinary1 on which account ,i had no doubt of the truth of the information4 ,i deliberated within myself whether or not ,i should receive the legacy4 ,everything well considered1 ,i determined to accept it1 whatever it might be1 and to do that honor to the memory of an honest man1 who1 in a rank in which friendship is seldom found1 had had a real one for me4 ,i had not this duty to fulfill4 ,i heard no more of the legacy1 whether it were true or false2 and in truth ,i should have felt some pain in offending against one of the great maxims of my system of morality1 in profiting by anything at the death of a person whom ,i had once held dear4 ,during the last illness of our friend ,mussard1 ,leneips proposed to me to take advantage of the grateful sense he expressed for our cares1 to insinuate to him dispositions in our favor4 ,ah6 my dear ,leneips1 said ,i1 let us not pollute by interested ideas the sad but sacred duties we discharge towards our dying friend4 ,i hope my name will never be found in the testament of any person1 at least not in that of a friend4 ,it was about this time that my lord marshal spoke to me of his1 of what he intended to do in it for me1 and that ,i made him the answer of which ,i have spoken in the first part of my memoirs4 ,my second loss1 still more afflicting and irreparable1 was that of the best of women and mothers1 who1 already weighed down with years1 and overburthened with infirmities and misery1 quitted this vale of tears for the abode of the blessed1 where the amiable remembrance of the good we have done here below is the eternal reward of our benevolence4 ,go1 gentle and beneficent shade1 to those of ,fenelon1 ,bernex1 ,catinat1 and others1 who in a more humble state have1 like them1 opened their hearts to pure charity2 go and taste of the fruit of your own benevolence1 and prepare for your son the place he hopes to fill by your side4 ,happy in your misfortunes that ,heaven1 in putting to them a period1 has spared you the cruel spectacle of his6 ,fearing1 lest ,i should fill her heart with sorrow by the recital of my first disasters1 ,i had not written to her since my arrival in ,switzerland2 but ,i wrote to ,m4 de ,conzie1 to inquire after her situation1 and it was from him ,i learned she had ceased to alleviate the sufferings of the afflicted1 and that her own were at an end4 ,i myself shall not suffer long2 but if ,i thought ,i should not see her again in the life to come1 my feeble imagination would less delight in the idea of the perfect happiness ,i there hope to enjoy4 ,my third and last loss1 for since that time ,i have not had a friend to lose1 was that of the lord marshal4 ,he did not die but tired of serving the ungrateful1 he left ,neuchatel1 and ,i have never seen him since4 ,he still lives1 and will1 ,i hope1 survive me3 he is alive1 and thanks to him all my attachments on earth are not destroyed4 ,there is one man still worthy of my friendship2 for the real value of this consists more in what we feel than in that which we inspire2 but ,i have lost the pleasure ,i enjoyed in his1 and can rank him in the number of those only whom ,i love1 but with whom ,i am no longer connected4 ,he went to ,england to receive the pardon of the king1 and acquired the possession of the property which formerly had been confiscated4 ,we did not separate without an intention of again being united1 the idea of which seemed to give him as much pleasure as ,i received from it4 ,he determined to reside at ,keith ,hall1 near ,aberdeen1 and ,i was to join him as soon as he was settled there3 but this project was too flattering to my hopes to give me any of its success4 ,he did not remain in ,scotland4 ,the affectionate solicitations of the ,king of ,prussia induced him to return to ,berlin1 and the reason of my not going to him there will presently appear4 ,before this departure1 foreseeing the storm which my enemies began to raise against me1 he of his own accord sent me letters of naturalization1 which seemed to be a certain means of preventing me from being driven from the country4 ,the community of the ,convent of ,val de ,travers followed the example of the governor1 and gave me letters of ,communion1 gratis1 as they were the first4 ,thus1 in every respect1 become a citizen1 ,i was sheltered from legal expulsion1 even by the prince2 but it has never been by legitimate means1 that the man who1 of all others1 has shown the greatest respect for the laws1 has been persecuted4 ,i do not think ,i ought to enumerate1 amongst the number of my losses at this time1 that of the ,abbe ,malby4 ,having lived sometime at the house of his mother1 ,i have been acquainted with the abbe1 but not very intimately1 and ,i have reason to believe the nature of his sentiments with respect to me changed after ,i acquired a greater celebrity than he already had4 ,but the first time ,i discovered his insincerity was immediately after the publication of the ',letters from the ,mountain'4 ,a letter attributed to him1 addressed to ,madam ,saladin1 was handed about in ,geneva1 in which he spoke of this work as the seditious clamors of a furious demagogue4 ,the esteem ,i had for the ,abbe ,malby1 and my great opinion of his understanding1 did not permit me to believe this extravagant letter was written by him4 ,i acted in this business with my usual candor4 ,i sent him a copy of the letter1 informing him he was said to be the author of it4 ,he returned me no answer4 ,this silence astonished me3 but what was my surprise when by a letter ,i received from ,madam de ,chenonceaux1 ,i learned the ,abbe was really the author of that which was attributed to him1 and found himself greatly embarrassed by mine4 ,for even supposing for a moment that what he stated was true1 how could he justify so public an attack1 wantonly made1 without obligation or necessity1 for the sole purpose of overwhelming in the midst of his greatest misfortunes1 a man to whom he had shown himself a well-wisher1 and who had not done anything that could excite his enmity8 ,in a short time afterwards the ',dialogues of ,phocion'1 in which ,i perceived nothing but a compilation1 without shame or restraint1 from my writings1 made their appearance4 ,in reading this book ,i perceived the author had not the least regard for me1 and that in future ,i must number him among my most bitter enemies4 ,i do not believe he has ever pardoned me for the ,social ,contract1 far superior to his abilities1 or the ,perpetual ,peace2 and ,i am1 besides1 of opinion that the desire he expressed that ,i should make an extract from the ,abbe de ,st4 ,pierre1 proceeded from a supposition in him that ,i should not acquit myself of it so well4 ,the further ,i advance in my narrative1 the less order ,i feel myself capable of observing4 ,the agitation of the rest of my life has deranged in my ideas the succession of events4 ,these are too numerous1 confused1 and disagreeable to be recited in due order4 ,the only strong impression they have left upon my mind is that of the horrid mystery by which the cause of them is concealed1 and of the deplorable state to which they have reduced me4 ,my narrative will in future be irregular1 and according to the events which1 without order1 may occur to my recollection4 ,i remember about the time to which ,i refer1 full of the idea of my confessions1 ,i very imprudently spoke of them to everybody1 never imagining it could be the wish or interest1 much less within the power of any person whatsoever1 to throw an obstacle in the way of this undertaking1 and had ,i suspected it1 even this would not have rendered me more discreet1 as from the nature of my disposition it is totally impossible for me to conceal either my thoughts or feelings4 ,the knowledge of this enterprise was1 as far as ,i can judge1 the cause of the storm that was raised to drive me from ,switzerland1 and deliver me into the hands of those by whom ,i might be prevented from executing it4 ,i had another project in contemplation which was not looked upon with a more favorable eye by those who were afraid of the first3 this was a general edition of my works4 ,i thought this edition of them necessary to ascertain what books1 amongst those to which my name was affixed1 were really written by me1 and to furnish the public with the means of distinguishing them from the writings falsely attributed to me by my enemies1 to bring me to dishonor and contempt4 ,this was besides a simple and an honorable means of insuring to myself a livelihood1 and the only one that remained to me4 ,as ,i had renounced the profession of an author1 my memoirs not being of a nature to appear during my lifetime2 as ,i no longer gained a farthing in any manner whatsoever1 and constantly lived at a certain expense1 ,i saw the end of my resources in that of the produce of the last things ,i had written4 ,this reason had induced me to hasten the finishing of my ,dictionary of ,music1 which still was incomplete4 ,i had received for it a hundred louis 7guineas7 and a life annuity of three hundred livres2 but a hundred louis could not last long in the hands of a man who annually expended upwards of sixty1 and three-hundred livres 7twelve guineas7 a year was but a trifling sum to one upon whom parasites and beggarly visitors lighted like a swarm of flies4 ,a company of merchants from ,neuchatel came to undertake the general edition1 and a printer or bookseller of the name of ,reguillat1 from ,lyons1 thrust himself1 ,i know not by what means1 amongst them to direct it4 ,the agreement was made upon reasonable terms1 and sufficient to accomplish my object4 ,i had in print and manuscript1 matter for six volumes in quarto4 ,i moreover agreed to give my assistance in bringing out the edition4 ,the merchants were1 on their part1 to pay me a thousand crowns 7one hundred and twenty-five pounds7 down1 and to assign me an annuity of sixteen hundred livres 7sixty-six pounds7 for life4 ,the agreement was concluded but not signed1 when the ,letters from the ,mountain appeared4 ,the terrible explosion caused by this infernal work1 and its abominable author1 terrified the company1 and the undertaking was at an end4 ,i would compare the effect of this last production to that of the ,letter on ,french ,music1 had not that letter1 while it brought upon me hatred1 and exposed me to danger1 acquired me respect and esteem4 ,but after the appearance of the last work1 it was a matter of astonishment at ,geneva and ,versailles that such a monster as the author of it should be suffered to exist4 ,the little council1 excited by the ,french resident1 and directed by the attorney-general1 made a declaration against my work1 by which1 in the most severe terms1 it was declared to be unworthy of being burned by the hands of the hangman1 adding1 with an address which bordered upon the burlesque1 there was no possibility of speaking of or answering it without dishonor4 ,i would here transcribe the curious piece of composition1 but unfortunately ,i have it not by me4 ,i ardently wish some of my readers1 animated by the zeal of truth and equity1 would read over the ,letters from the ,mountain3 they will1 ,i dare hope1 feel the stoical moderation which reigns throughout the whole1 after all the cruel outrages with which the author was loaded4 ,but unable to answer the abuse1 because no part of it could be called by that name nor to the reasons because these were unanswerable1 my enemies pretended to appear too much enraged to reply3 and it is true1 if they took the invincible arguments it contains for abuse1 they must have felt themselves roughly treated4 ,the remonstrating party1 far from complaining of the odious declaration1 acted according to the spirit of it1 and instead of making a trophy of the ,letters from the ,mountain1 which they veiled to make them serve as a shield1 were pusillanimous enough not to do justice or honor to that work1 written to defend them1 and at their own solicitation4 ,they did not either quote or mention the letters1 although they tacitly drew from them all their arguments1 and by exactly following the advice with which they conclude1 made them the sole cause of their safety and triumph4 ,they had imposed on me this duty3 ,i had fulfilled it1 and unto the end had served their cause and the country4 ,i begged of them to abandon me1 and in their quarrels to think of nobody but themselves4 ,they took me at my word1 and ,i concerned myself no more about their affairs1 further than constantly to exhort them to peace1 not doubting1 should they continue to be obstinate1 of their being crushed by ,france2 this however did not happen2 ,i know the reason why it did not1 but this is not the place to explain what ,i mean4 ,the effect produced at ,neuchatel by the ,letters from the ,mountain was at first very mild4 ,i sent a copy of them to ,m4 de ,montmollin1 who received it favorably1 and read it without making any objection4 ,he was ill as well as myself2 as soon as he recovered he came in a friendly manner to see me1 and conversed on general subjects4 ,a rumor was however begun2 the book was burned ,i know not where4 ,from ,geneva1 ,berne1 and perhaps from ,versailles1 the effervescence quickly passed to ,neuchatel1 and especially to ,val de ,travers1 where1 before even the ministers had taken any apparent steps1 an attempt was secretly made to stir up the people4 ,i ought1 ,i dare assert1 to have been beloved by the people of that country in which ,i have lived1 giving alms in abundance1 not leaving about me an indigent person without assistance1 never refusing to do any service in my power1 and which was consistent with justice1 making myself perhaps too familiar with everybody1 and avoiding1 as far as it was possible for me to do it1 all distinction which might excite the least jealousy4 ,this1 however1 did not prevent the populace1 secretly stirred up against me1 by ,i know not whom1 from being by degrees irritated against me1 even to fury1 nor from publicly insulting me1 not only in the country and upon the road1 but in the street4 ,those to whom ,i had rendered the greatest services became most irritated against me1 and even people who still continued to receive my benefactions1 not daring to appear1 excited others1 and seemed to wish thus to be revenged of me for their humiliation1 by the obligations they were under for the favors ,i had conferred upon them4 ,montmollin seemed to pay no attention to what was passing1 and did not yet come forward4 ,but as the time of communion approached1 he came to advise me not to present myself at the holy table1 assuring me1 however1 he was not my enemy1 and that he would leave me undisturbed4 ,i found this compliment whimsical enough2 it brought to my recollection the letter from ,madam de ,boufflers1 and ,i could not conceive to whom it could be a matter of such importance whether ,i communicated or not4 ,considering this condescension on my part as an act of cowardice1 and moreover1 being unwilling to give to the people a new pretext under which they might charge me with impiety1 ,i refused the request of the minister1 and he went away dissatisfied1 giving me to understand ,i should repent of my obstinacy4 ,he could not of his own authority forbid me the communion3 that of the ,consistory1 by which ,i had been admitted to it1 was necessary1 and as long as there was no objection from that body ,i might present myself without the fear of being refused4 ,montmollin procured from the ,classe 7the ministers7 a commission to summon me to the ,consistory1 there to give an account of the articles of my faith1 and to excommunicate me should ,i refuse to comply4 ,this excommunication could not be pronounced without the aid of the ,consistory also1 and a majority of the voices4 ,but the peasants1 who under the appellation of elders1 composed this assembly1 presided over and governed by their minister1 might naturally be expected to adopt his opinion1 especially in matters of the clergy1 which they still less understood than he did4 ,i was therefore summoned1 and ,i resolved to appear4 ,what a happy circumstance and triumph would this have been to me could ,i have spoken1 and had ,i1 if ,i may so speak1 had my pen in my mouth6 ,with what superiority1 with what facility even1 should ,i have overthrown this poor minister in the midst of his six peasants6 ,the thirst after power having made the ,protestant clergy forget all the principles of the reformation1 all ,i had to do to recall these to their recollection and to reduce them to silence1 was to make comments upon my first ',letters from the ,mountain'1 upon which they had the folly to animadvert4 ,my text was ready1 and ,i had only to enlarge on it1 and my adversary was confounded4 ,i should not have been weak enough to remain on the defensive2 it was easy to me to become an assailant without his even perceiving it1 or being able to shelter himself from my attack4 ,the contemptible priests of the ,classe1 equally careless and ignorant1 had of themselves placed me in the most favorable situation ,i could desire to crush them at pleasure4 ,but what of this8 ,it was necessary ,i should speak without hesitation1 and find ideas1 turn of expression1 and words at will1 preserving a presence of mind1 and keeping myself collected1 without once suffering even a momentary confusion4 ,for what could ,i hope1 feeling as ,i did1 my want of aptitude to express myself with ease8 ,i had been reduced to the most mortifying silence at ,geneva1 before an assembly which was favorable to me1 and previously resolved to approve of everything ,i should say4 ,here1 on the contrary1 ,i had to do with a cavalier who1 substituting cunning to knowledge1 would spread for me a hundred snares before ,i could perceive one of them1 and was resolutely determined to catch me in an error let the consequence be what it would4 ,the more ,i examined the situation in which ,i stood1 the greater danger ,i perceived myself exposed to1 and feeling the impossibility of successfully withdrawing from it1 ,i thought of another expedient4 ,i meditated a discourse which ,i intended to pronounce before the ,consistory1 to exempt myself from the necessity of answering4 ,the thing was easy4 ,i wrote the discourse and began to learn it by memory1 with an inconceivable ardor4 ,theresa laughed at hearing me mutter and incessantly repeat the same phrases1 while endeavoring to cram them into my head4 ,i hoped1 at length1 to remember what ,i had written3 ,i knew the chatelain as an officer attached to the service of the prince1 would be present at the ,consistory1 and that notwithstanding the manoeuvres and bottles of ,montmollin1 most of the elders were well disposed towards me4 ,i had1 moreover1 in my favor1 reason1 truth1 and justice1 with the protection of the king1 the authority of the council of state1 and the good wishes of every real patriot1 to whom the establishment of this inquisition was threatening4 ,in fine1 everything contributed to encourage me4 ,on the eve of the day appointed1 ,i had my discourse by rote1 and recited it without missing a word4 ,i had it in my head all night3 in the morning ,i had forgotten it4 ,i hesitated at every word1 thought myself before the assembly1 became confused1 stammered1 and lost my presence of mind4 ,in fine1 when the time to make my appearance was almost at hand1 my courage totally failed me4 ,i remained at home and wrote to the ,consistory1 hastily stating my reasons1 and pleaded my disorder1 which really1 in the state to which apprehension had reduced me1 would scarcely have permitted me to stay out the whole sitting4 ,the minister1 embarrassed by my letter1 adjourned the ,consistory4 ,in the interval1 he of himself1 and by his creatures1 made a thousand efforts to seduce the elders1 who1 following the dictates of their consciences1 rather than those they received from him1 did not vote according to his wishes1 or those of the ,classe4 ,whatever power his arguments drawn from his cellar might have over this kind of people1 he could not gain one of them1 more than the two or three who were already devoted to his will1 and who were called his 'ames damnees'4--damned souls--,the officer of the prince1 and the ,colonel ,pury1 who1 in this affair1 acted with great zeal1 kept the rest to their duty1 and when ,montmollin wished to proceed to excommunication1 his ,consistory1 by a majority of voices1 flatly refused to authorize him to do it4 ,thus reduced to the last expedient1 that of stirring up the people against me1 he1 his colleagues1 and other persons1 set about it openly1 and were so successful1 that not-withstanding the strong and frequent rescripts of the king1 and the orders of the council of state1 ,i was at length obliged to quit the country1 that ,i might not expose the officer of the king to be himself assassinated while he protected me4 ,the recollection of the whole of this affair is so confused1 that it is impossible for me to reduce to or connect the circumstances of it4 ,i remember a kind of negotiation had been entered into with the ,classe1 in which ,montmollin was the mediator4 ,he feigned to believe it was feared ,i should1 by my writings1 disturb the peace of the country1 in which case1 the liberty ,i had of writing would be blamed4 ,he had given me to understand that if ,i consented to lay down my pen1 what was past would be forgotten4 ,i had already entered into this engagement with myself1 and did not hesitate in doing it with the ,classe1 but conditionally and solely in matters of religion4 ,he found means to have a duplicate of the agreement upon some change necessary to be made in it1 the condition having been rejected by the ,classe2 ,i demanded back the writing1 which was returned to me1 but he kept the duplicate1 pretending it was lost4 ,after this1 the people1 openly excited by the ministers1 laughed at the rescripts of the king1 and the orders of the council of state1 and shook off all restraint4 ,i was declaimed against from the pulpit1 called antichrist1 and pursued in the country like a mad wolf4 ,my ,armenian dress discovered me to the populace2 of this ,i felt the cruel inconvenience1 but to quit it in such circumstances1 appeared to me an act of cowardice4 ,i could not prevail upon myself to do it1 and ,i quietly walked through the country with my caffetan and fur bonnet in the midst of the hootings of the dregs of the people1 and sometimes through a shower of stones4 ,several times as ,i passed before houses1 ,i heard those by whom they were inhabited call out3 ,bring me my gun that ,i may fire at him4 ,as ,i did not on this account hasten my pace1 my calmness increased their fury1 but they never went further than threats1 at least with respect to firearms4 ,during the fermentation ,i received from two circumstances the most sensible pleasure4 ,the first was my having it in my power to prove my gratitude by means of the lord marshal4 ,the honest part of the inhabitants of ,neuchatel1 full of indignation at the treatment ,i received1 and the manoeuvres of which ,i was the victim1 held the ministers in execration1 clearly perceiving they were obedient to a foreign impulse1 and the vile agents of people1 who1 in making them act1 kept themselves concealed2 they were moreover afraid my case would have dangerous consequences1 and be made a precedent for the purpose of establishing a real inquisition4 ,the magistrates1 and especially ,m4 ,meuron1 who had succeeded ,m4 d' ,ivernois in the office of attorney-general1 made every effort to defend me4 ,colonel ,pury1 although a private individual1 did more and succeeded better4 ,it was the colonel who found means to make ,montmollin submit in his ,consistory1 by keeping the elders to their duty4 ,he had credit1 and employed it to stop the sedition2 but he had nothing more than the authority of the laws1 and the aid of justice and reason1 to oppose to that of money and wine3 the combat was unequal1 and in this point ,montmollin was triumphant4 ,however1 thankful for his zeal and cares1 ,i wished to have it in my power to make him a return of good offices1 and in some measure discharge a part of the obligations ,i was under to him4 ,i knew he was very desirous of being named a counsellor of state2 but having displeased the court by his conduct in the affair of the minister ,petitpierre1 he was in disgrace with the prince and governor4 ,i however undertook1 at all risks1 to write to the lord marshal in his favor3 ,i went so far as even to mention the employment of which he was desirous1 and my application was so well received that1 contrary to the expectations of his most ardent well wishers1 it was almost instantly conferred upon him by the king4 ,in this manner fate1 which has constantly raised me to too great an elevation1 or plunged me into an abyss of adversity1 continued to toss me from one extreme to another1 and whilst the populace covered me with mud ,i was able to make a counsellor of state4 ,the other pleasing circumstance was a visit ,i received from ,madam de ,verdelin with her daughter1 with whom she had been at the baths of ,bourbonne1 whence they came to ,motiers and stayed with me two or three days4 ,by her attention and cares1 she at length conquered my long repugnancy2 and my heart1 won by her endearing manner1 made her a return of all the friendship of which she had long given me proofs4 ,this journey made me extremely sensible of her kindness3 my situation rendered the consolations of friendship highly necessary to support me under my sufferings4 ,i was afraid she would be too much affected by the insults ,i received from the populace1 and could have wished to conceal them from her that her feelings might not be hurt1 but this was impossible2 and although her presence was some check upon the insolent populace in our walks1 she saw enough of their brutality to enable her to judge of what passed when ,i was alone4 ,during the short residence she made at ,motiers1 ,i was still attacked in my habitation4 ,one morning her chambermaid found my window blocked up with stones1 which had been thrown at it during the night4 ,a very heavy bench placed in the street by the side of the house1 and strongly fastened down1 was taken up and reared against the door in such a manner as1 had it not been perceived from the window1 to have knocked down the first person who should have opened the door to go out4 ,madam de ,verdelin was acquainted with everything that passed2 for1 besides what she herself was witness to1 her confidential servant went into many houses in the village1 spoke to everybody1 and was seen in conversation with ,montmollin4 ,she did not1 however1 seem to pay the least attention to that which happened to me1 nor never mentioned ,montmollin nor any other person1 and answered in a few words to what ,i said to her of him4 ,persuaded that a residence in ,england would be more agreeable to me than any other1 she frequently spoke of ,mr4 ,hume who was then at ,paris1 of his friendship for me1 and the desire he had of being of service to me in his own country4 ,it is time ,i should say something of ,hume4 ,he had acquired a great reputation in ,france amongst the ,encyclopedists by his essays on commerce and politics1 and in the last place by his history of the ,house of ,stuart1 the only one of his writings of which ,i had read a part1 in the translation of the ,abbe ,prevot4 ,for want of being acquainted with his other works1 ,i was persuaded1 according to what ,i heard of him1 that ,mr4 ,hume joined a very republican mind to the ,english ,paradoxes in favor of luxury4 ,in this opinion ,i considered his whole apology of ,charles ,i4 as a prodigy of impartiality1 and ,i had as great an idea of his virtue as of his genius4 ,the desire of being acquainted with this great man1 and of obtaining his friendship1 had greatly strengthened the inclination ,i felt to go to ,england1 induced by the solicitations of ,madam de ,boufflers1 the intimate friend of ,hume4 ,after my arrival in ,switzerland1 ,i received from him1 by means of this lady1 a letter extremely flattering2 in which1 to the highest encomiums on my genius1 he subjoined a pressing invitation to induce me to go to ,england1 and the offer of all his interest1 and that of his friends1 to make my residence there agreeable4 ,i found in the country to which ,i had retired1 the lord marshal1 the countryman and friend of ,hume1 who confirmed my good opinion of him1 and from whom ,i learned a literary anecdote1 which did him great honor in the opinion of his lordship and had the same effect in mine4 ,wallace1 who had written against ,hume upon the subject of the population of the ancients1 was absent whilst his work was in the press4 ,hume took upon himself to examine the proofs1 and to do the needful to the edition4 ,this manner of acting was according to my way of thinking4 ,i had sold at six sous 7three pence7 a piece1 the copies of a song written against myself4 ,i was1 therefore1 strongly prejudiced in favor of ,hume1 when ,madam de ,verdelin came and mentioned the lively friendship he expressed for me1 and his anxiety to do me the honors of ,england2 such was her expression4 ,she pressed me a good deal to take advantage of this zeal and to write to him4 ,as ,i had not naturally an inclination to ,england1 and did not intend to go there until the last extremity1 ,i refused to write or make any promise2 but ,i left her at liberty to do whatever she should think necessary to keep ,mr4 ,hume favorably disposed towards me4 ,when she went from ,motiers1 she left me in the persuasion1 by everything she had said to me of that illustrious man1 that he was my friend1 and she herself still more his4 ,after her departure1 ,montmollin carried on his manoeuvres with more vigor1 and the populace threw off all restraint4 ,yet ,i still continued to walk quietly amidst the hootings of the vulgar2 and a taste for botany1 which ,i had begun to contract with ,doctor d',ivernois1 making my rambling more amusing1 ,i went through the country herbalising1 without being affected by the clamors of this scum of the earth1 whose fury was still augmented by my calmness4 ,what affected me most was1 seeing families of my friends1 or of persons who gave themselves that name1 openly join the league of my persecutors2 such as the ,d',ivernois1 without excepting the father and brother of my ,isabel le ,boy de la ,tour1 a relation to the friend in whose house ,i lodged1 and ,madam ,girardier1 her sister-in-law4 ,this fatality had begun with my residence at ,yverdon2 the banneret ,roguin dying a year or two after my departure from that city1 the old papa ,roguin had the candor to inform me with grief1 as he said1 that in the papers of his relation1 proofs had been found of his having been concerned in the conspiracy to expel me from ,yverdon and the state of ,berne4 ,this clearly proved the conspiracy not to be1 as some people pretended to believe1 an affair of hypocrisy2 since the banneret1 far from being a devotee1 carried materialism and incredulity to intolerance and fanaticism4 ,besides1 nobody at ,yverdon had shown me more constant attention1 nor had so prodigally bestowed upon me praises and flattery as this banneret4 ,he faithfully followed the favorite plan of my persecutors4 ,this ,peter ,boy was such a brute2 so stupid1 and behaved so uncouthly1 that1 to prevent my mind from being disturbed1 ,i took the liberty to ridicule him2 and after the manner of the ',petit ,prophete'1 ,i wrote a pamphlet of a few pages1 entitled1 'la ,vision de ,pierre de la ,montagne dit le ,voyant1--,the vision of ,peter of the ,mountain called the ,seer4--in which ,i found means to be diverting enough on the miracles which then served as the great pretext for my persecution4 ,du ,peyrou had this scrap printed at ,geneva1 but its success in the country was but moderate2 the ,neuchatelois with all their wit1 taste but weakly attic salt or pleasantry when these are a little refined4 ,in the midst of decrees and persecutions1 the ,genevese had distinguished themselves by setting up a hue and cry with all their might2 and my friend ,vernes amongst others1 with an heroical generosity1 chose that moment precisely to publish against me letters in which he pretended to prove ,i was not a ,christian4 ,these letters1 written with an air of self-sufficiency1 were not the better for it1 although it was positively said the celebrated ,bonnet had given them some correction3 for this man1 although a materialist1 has an intolerant orthodoxy the moment ,i am in question4 ,there certainly was nothing in this work which could tempt me to answer it2 but having an opportunity of saying a few words upon it in my ',letters from the ,mountain'1 ,i inserted in them a short note sufficiently expressive of disdain to render ,vernes furious4 ,he filled ,geneva with his furious exclamations1 and ,d',ivernois wrote me word he had quite lost his senses4 ,sometime afterwards appeared an anonymous sheet1 which instead of ink seemed to be written with water of ,phlegethon4 ,in this letter ,i was accused of having exposed my children in the streets1 of taking about with me a soldier's trull1 of being worn out with debaucheries4441 and other fine things of a like nature4 ,it was not difficult for me to discover the author4 ,my first idea on reading this libel1 was to reduce to its real value everything the world calls fame and reputation amongst men2 seeing thus a man who was never in a brothel in his life1 and whose greatest defect was in being as timid and shy as a virgin1 treated as a frequenter of places of that description2 and in finding myself charged with being4444441 ,i1 who not only never had the least taint of such disorder1 but1 according to the faculty1 was so constructed as to make it almost impossible for me to contract it4 ,everything well considered1 ,i thought ,i could not better refute this libel than by having it printed in the city in which ,i longest resided1 and with this intention ,i sent it to ,duchesne to print it as it was with an advertisement in which ,i named ,m4 ,vernes and a few short notes by way of eclaircissement4 ,not satisfied with printing it only1 ,i sent copies to several persons1 and amongst others one copy to the ,prince ,louis of ,wirtemberg1 who had made me polite advances and with whom ,i was in correspondence4 ,the prince1 ,du ,peyrou1 and others1 seemed to have their doubts about the author of the libel1 and blamed me for having named ,vernes upon so slight a foundation4 ,their remarks produced in me some scruples1 and ,i wrote to ,duchesne to suppress the paper4 ,guy wrote to me he had suppressed it3 this may or may not be the case2 ,i have been deceived on so many occasions that there would be nothing extraordinary in my being so on this1 and from the time of which ,i speak1 was so enveloped in profound darkness that it was impossible for me to come at any kind of truth4 ,m4 ,vernes bore the imputation with a moderation more than astonishing in a man who was supposed not to have deserved it1 and after the fury with which he was seized on former occasions4 ,he wrote me two or three letters in very guarded terms1 with a view1 as it appeared to me1 to endeavor by my answers to discover how far ,i was certain of his being the author of the paper1 and whether or not ,i had any proofs against him4 ,i wrote him two short answers1 severe in the sense1 but politely expressed1 and with which he was not displeased4 ,to his third letter1 perceiving he wished to form with me a kind of correspondence1 ,i returned no answer1 and he got ,d',ivernois to speak to me4 ,madam ,cramer wrote to ,du ,peyrou1 telling him she was certain the libel was not by ,vernes4 ,this however1 did not make me change my opinion4 ,but as it was possible ,i might be deceived1 and as it is certain that if ,i were1 ,i owed ,vernes an explicit reparation1 ,i sent him word by ,d',ivernois that ,i would make him such a one as he should think proper1 provided he would name to me the real author of the libel1 or at least prove that he himself was not so4 ,i went further3 feeling that1 after all1 were he not culpable1 ,i had no right to call upon him for proofs of any kind1 ,i stated in a memoir of considerable length1 the reasons whence ,i had inferred my conclusion1 and determined to submit them to the judgment of an arbitrator1 against whom ,vernes could not except4 ,but few people would guess the arbitrator of whom ,i made choice4 ,i declared at the end of the memoir1 that if1 after having examined it1 and made such inquiries as should seem necessary1 the council pronounced ,m4 ,vernes not to be the author of the libel1 from that moment ,i should be fully persuaded he was not1 and would immediately go and throw myself at his feet1 and ask his pardon until ,i had obtained it4 ,i can say with the greatest truth that my ardent zeal for equity1 the uprightness and generosity of my heart1 and my confidence in the love of justice innate in every mind never appeared more fully and perceptible than in this wise and interesting memoir1 in which ,i took1 without hesitation1 my most implacable enemies for arbitrators between a calumniator and myself4 ,i read to ,du ,peyrou what ,i had written3 he advised me to suppress it1 and ,i did so4 ,he wished me to wait for the proofs ,vernes promised1 and ,i am still waiting for them3 he thought it best that ,i should in the meantime be silent1 and ,i held my tongue1 and shall do so the rest of my life1 censured as ,i am for having brought against ,vernes a heavy imputation1 false and unsupportable by proof1 although ,i am still fully persuaded1 nay1 as convinced as ,i am of my existence1 that he is the author of the libel4 ,my memoir is in the hands of ,du ,peyrou4 ,should it ever be published my reasons will be found in it1 and the heart of ,jean ,jacques1 with which my contemporaries would not be acquainted1 will ,i hope be known4 ,i have now to proceed to my catastrophe at ,motiers1 and to my departure from ,val de ,travers1 after a residence of two years and a half1 and an eight months suffering with unshaken constancy of the most unworthy treatment4 ,it is impossible for me clearly to recollect the circumstances of this disagreeable period1 but a detail of them will be found in a publication to that effect by ,du ,peyrou1 of which ,i shall hereafter have occasion to speak4 ,after the departure of ,madam de ,verdelin the fermentation increased1 and1 notwithstanding the reiterated rescripts of the king1 the frequent orders of the council of state1 and the cares of the chatelain and magistrates of the place1 the people1 seriously considering me as antichrist1 and perceiving all their clamors to be of no effect1 seemed at length determined to proceed to violence2 stones were already thrown after me in the roads1 but ,i was however in general at too great a distance to receive any harm from them4 ,at last1 in the night of the fair of ,motiers1 which is in the beginning of ,september1 ,i was attacked in my habitation in such a manner as to endanger the lives of everybody in the house4 ,at midnight ,i heard a great noise in the gallery which ran along the back part of the house4 ,a shower of stones thrown against the window and the door which opened to the gallery fell into it with so much noise and violence1 that my dog1 which usually slept there1 and had begun to bark1 ceased from fright1 and ran into a corner gnawing and scratching the planks to endeavor to make his escape4 ,i immediately rose1 and was preparing to go from my chamber into the kitchen1 when a stone thrown by a vigorous arm crossed the latter1 after having broken the window1 forced open the door of my chamber1 and fell at my feet1 so that had ,i been a moment sooner upon the floor ,i should have had the stone against my stomach4 ,i judged the noise had been made to bring me to the door1 and the stone thrown to receive me as ,i went out4 ,i ran into the kitchen1 where ,i found ,theresa1 who also had risen1 and was tremblingly making her way to me as fast as she could4 ,we placed ourselves against the wall out of the direction of the window to avoid the stones1 and deliberate upon what was best to be done2 for going out to call assistance was the certain means of getting ourselves knocked on the head4 ,fortunately the maid-servant of an old man who lodged under me was waked by the noise1 and got up and ran to call the chatelain1 whose house was next to mine4 ,he jumped from his bed1 put on his robe de chambre1 and instantly came to me with the guard1 which1 on account of the fair1 went the round that night1 and was just at hand4 ,the chatelain was so alarmed at the sight of the effects of what had happened that he turned pale and on seeing the stones in the gallery1 exclaimed1 ,good ,god6 here is a quarry6 ,on examining below stairs1 a door of a little court was found to have been forced1 and there was an appearance of an attempt having been made to get into the house by the gallery4 ,on inquiring the reason why the guard had neither prevented nor perceived the disturbance1 it came out that the guards of ,motiers had insisted upon doing duty that night1 although it was the turn of those of another village4 ,the next day the chatelain sent his report to the council of state1 which two days afterwards sent an order to inquire into the affair1 to promise a reward and secrecy to those who should impeach such as were guilty1 and in the meantime to place1 at the expense of the king1 guards about my house1 and that of the chatelain1 which joined to it4 ,the day after the disturbance1 ,colonel ,pury1 the ,attorney-,general ,meuron1 the ,chatelain ,martinet1 the ,receiver ,guyenet1 the ,treasurer d',ivernois and his father1 in a word1 every person of consequence in the country1 came to see me1 and united their solicitations to persuade me to yield to the storm and leave1 at least for a time1 a place in which ,i could no longer live in safety nor with honor4 ,i perceived that even the chatelain was frightened at the fury of the people1 and apprehending it might extend to himself1 would be glad to see me depart as soon as possible1 that he might no longer have the trouble of protecting me there1 and be able to quit the parish1 which he did after my departure4 ,i therefore yielded to their solicitations1 and this with but little pain1 for the hatred of the people so afflicted my heart that ,i was no longer able to support it4 ,i had a choice of places to retire to4 ,after ,madam de ,verdelin returned to ,paris1 she had1 in several letters1 mentioned a ,mr4 ,walpole1 whom she called my lord1 who1 having a strong desire to serve me1 proposed to me an asylum at one of his country houses1 of the situation of which she gave me the most agreeable description2 entering1 relative to lodging and subsistence1 into a detail which proved she and ,lord ,walpole had held particular consultations upon the project4 ,my lord marshal had always advised me to go to ,england or ,scotland1 and in case of my determining upon the latter1 offered me there an asylum4 ,but he offered me another at ,potsdam1 near to his person1 and which tempted me more than all the rest4 ,he had just communicated to me what the king had said to him about my going there1 which was a kind of invitation to me from that monarch1 and the ,duchess of ,saxe-,gotha depended so much upon my taking the journey that she wrote to me desiring ,i should go to see her in my way to the court of ,prussia1 and stay some time before ,i proceeded farther2 but ,i was so attached to ,switzerland that ,i could not resolve to quit it so long as it was possible for me to live there1 and ,i seized this opportunity to execute a project of which ,i had for several months conceived the idea1 and of which ,i have deferred speaking1 that ,i might not interrupt my narrative4 ,this project consisted in going to reside in the island of ,st4 ,peter1 an estate belonging to the ,hospital of ,berne1 in the middle of the lake of ,bienne4 ,in a pedestrian pilgrimage ,i had made the preceding year with ,du ,peyrou we had visited this isle1 with which ,i was so much delighted that ,i had since that time incessantly thought of the means of making it my place of residence4 ,the greatest obstacle to my wishes arose from the property of the island being vested in the people of ,berne1 who three years before had driven me from amongst them2 and besides the mortification of returning to live with people who had given me so unfavorable a reception1 ,i had reason to fear they would leave me no more at peace in the island than they had done at ,yverdon4 ,i had consulted the lord marshal upon the subject1 who thinking as ,i did1 that the people of ,berne would be glad to see me banished to the island1 and to keep me there as a hostage for the works ,i might be tempted to write1 and sounded their dispositions by means of ,m4 ,sturler1 his old neighbor at ,colombier4 ,m4 ,sturler addressed himself to the chiefs of the state1 and1 according to their answer assured the marshal the ,bernois1 sorry for their past behavior1 wished to see me settled in the island of ,st4 ,peter1 and to leave me there at peace4 ,as an additional precaution1 before ,i determined to reside there1 ,i desired the ,colonel ,chaillet to make new inquiries4 ,he confirmed what ,i had already heard1 and the receiver of the island having obtained from his superiors permission to lodge me in it1 ,i thought ,i might without danger go to the house1 with the tacit consent of the sovereign and the proprietors2 for ,i could not expect the people of ,berne would openly acknowledge the injustice they had done me1 and thus act contrary to the most inviolable maxim of all sovereigns4 ,the island of ,st4 ,peter1 called at ,neuchatel the island of ,la ,motte1 in the middle of the lake of ,bienne1 is half a league in circumference2 but in this little space all the chief productions necessary to subsistence are found4 ,the island has fields1 meadows1 orchards1 woods1 and vineyards1 and all these1 favored by variegated and mountainous situations1 form a distribution of the more agreeable1 as the parts1 not being discovered all at once1 are seen successively to advantage1 and make the island appear greater than it really is4 ,a very elevated terrace forms the western part of it1 and commands ,gleresse and ,neuverville4 ,this terrace is planted with trees which form a long alley1 interrupted in the middle by a great saloon1 in which1 during the vintage1 the people from the neighboring shores assemble and divert themselves4 ,there is but one house in the whole island1 but that is very spacious and convenient1 inhabited by the receiver1 and situated in a hollow by which it is sheltered from the winds4 ,five or six hundred paces to the south of the island of ,st4 ,peter is another island1 considerably less than the former1 wild and uncultivated1 which appears to have been detached from the greater island by storms3 its gravelly soil produces nothing but willows and persicaria1 but there is in it a high hill well covered with greensward and very pleasant4 ,the form of the lake is an almost regular oval4 ,the banks1 less rich than those of the lake of ,geneva and ,neuchatel1 form a beautiful decoration1 especially towards the western part1 which is well peopled1 and edged with vineyards at the foot of a chain of mountains1 something like those of ,cote-,rotie1 but which produce not such excellent wine4 ,the bailiwick of ,st4 ,john1 ,neuveville1 ,berne1 and ,bienne1 lie in a line from the south to the north1 to the extremity of the lake1 the whole interspersed with very agreeable villages4 ,such was the asylum ,i had prepared for myself1 and to which ,i was determined to retire after quitting ,val de ,travers4 ,it may perhaps be necessary to remark that ,i left there an enemy in ,m4 du ,teneaux1 mayor of ,verrieres1 not much esteemed in the country1 but who has a brother1 said to be an honest man1 in the office of ,m4 de ,st4 ,florentin4 ,the mayor had been to see him some time before my adventure4 ,little remarks of this kind1 though of no consequence1 in themselves1 may lead to the discovery of many underhand dealings4 ,this choice was so agreeable to my peaceful inclinations1 and my solitary and indolent disposition1 that ,i consider it as one of the pleasing reveries of which ,i became the most passionately fond4 ,i thought ,i should in that island be more separated from men1 more sheltered from their outrages1 and sooner forgotten by mankind3 in a word1 more abandoned to the delightful pleasures of the inaction of a contemplative life4 ,i could have wished to have been confined in it in such a manner as to have had no intercourse with mortals1 and ,i certainly took every measure ,i could imagine to relieve me from the necessity of troubling my head about them4 ,the great question was that of subsistence1 and by the dearness of provisions1 and the difficulty of carriage1 this is expensive in the island2 the inhabitants are besides at the mercy of the receiver4 ,this difficulty was removed by an arrangement which ,du ,peyrou made with me in becoming a substitute to the company which had undertaken and abandoned my general edition4 ,i gave him all the materials necessary1 and made the proper arrangement and distribution4 ,to the engagement between us ,i added that of giving him the memoirs of my life1 and made him the general depositary of all my papers1 under the express condition of making no use of them until after my death1 having it at heart quietly to end my days without doing anything which should again bring me back to the recollection of the public4 ,the life annuity he undertook to pay me was sufficient to my subsistence4 ,my lord marshal having recovered all his property1 had offered me twelve hundred livres 7fifty pounds7 a year1 half of which ,i accepted4 ,he wished to send me the principal1 and this ,i refused on account of the difficulty of placing it4 ,he then sent the amount to ,du ,peyrou1 in whose hands it remained1 and who pays me the annuity according to the terms agreed upon with his lordship4 ,adding therefore to the result of my agreement with ,du ,peyrou1 the annuity of the marshal1 two-thirds of which were reversible to ,theresa after my death1 and the annuity of three hundred livres from ,duchesne1 ,i was assured of a genteel subsistence for myself1 and after me for ,theresa1 to whom ,i left seven hundred livres 7twenty-nine pounds7 a year1 from the annuities paid me by ,rey and the lord marshal2 ,i had therefore no longer to fear a want of bread4 ,but it was ordained that honor should oblige me to reject all these resources which fortune and my labors placed within my reach1 and that ,i should die as poor as ,i had lived4 ,it will be seen whether or not1 without reducing myself to the last degree of infamy1 ,i could abide by the engagements which care has always taken to render ignominious1 by depriving me of every other resource to force me to consent to my own dishonor4 ,how was it possible anybody could doubt of the choice ,i should make in such an alternative8 ,others have judged of my heart by their own4 ,my mind at ease relative to subsistence was without care upon every other subject4 ,although ,i left in the world the field open to my enemies1 there remained in the noble enthusiasm by which my writings were dictated1 and in the constant uniformity of my principles1 an evidence of the uprightness of my heart which answered to that deducible from my conduct in favor of my natural disposition4 ,i had no need of any other defense against my calumniators4 ,they might under my name describe another man1 but it was impossible they should deceive such as were unwilling to be imposed upon4 ,i could have given them my whole life to animadvert upon1 with a certainty1 notwithstanding all my faults and weaknesses1 and my want of aptitude to support the lightest yoke1 of their finding me in every situation a just and good man1 without bitterness1 hatred1 or jealousy1 ready to acknowledge my errors1 and still more prompt to forget the injuries ,i received from others2 seeking all my happiness in love1 friendship1 and affection1 and in everything carrying my sincerity even to imprudence and the most incredible disinterestedness4 ,i therefore in some measure took leave of the age in which ,i lived and my contemporaries1 and bade adieu to the world1 with an intention to confine myself for the rest of my days to that island2 such was my resolution1 and it was there ,i hoped to execute the great project of the indolent life to which ,i had until then consecrated the little activity with which ,heaven had endowed me4 ,the island was to become to me that of ,papimanie1 that happy country where the inhabitants sleep3 ,on n'y fait plus1 on n'y fait nulle chose4 ,there they do no more3 there they do nothing4 ,this 'no more' was everything for me1 for ,i never much regretted sleep2 indolence is sufficient to my happiness1 and provided ,i do nothing1 ,i had rather dream waking than asleep4 ,being past the age of romantic projects1 and having been more stunned than flattered by the trumpet of fame1 my only hope was that of living at ease1 and constantly at leisure4 ,this is the life of the blessed in the world to come1 and for the rest of mine here below ,i made it my supreme happiness4 ,they who reproach me with so many contradictions1 will not fail here to add another to the number4 ,i have observed the indolence of great companies made them unsupportable to me1 and ,i am now seeking solitude for the sole purpose of abandoning myself to inaction4 ,this however is my disposition2 if there be in it a contradiction1 it proceeds from nature and not from me2 but there is so little that it is precisely on that account that ,i am always consistent4 ,the indolence of company is burdensome because it is forced4 ,that of solitude is charming because it is free1 and depends upon the will4 ,in company ,i suffer cruelly by inaction1 because this is of necessity4 ,i must there remain nailed to my chair1 or stand upright like a picket1 without stirring hand or foot1 not daring to run1 jump1 sing1 exclaim1 nor gesticulate when ,i please1 not allowed even to dream1 suffering at the same time the fatigue of inaction and all the torment of constraint2 obliged to pay attention to every foolish thing uttered1 and to all the idle compliments paid1 and constantly to keep my mind upon the rack that ,i may not fail to introduce in my turn my jest or my lie4 ,and this is called idleness6 ,it is the labor of a galley slave4 ,the indolence ,i love is not that of a lazy fellow who sits with his arms across in total inaction1 and thinks no more than he acts1 but that of a child which is incessantly in motion doing nothing1 and that of a dotard who wanders from his subject4 ,i love to amuse myself with trifles1 by beginning a hundred things and never finishing one of them1 by going or coming as ,i take either into my head1 by changing my project at every instant1 by following a fly through all its windings1 in wishing to overturn a rock to see what is under it1 by undertaking with ardor the work of ten years1 and abandoning it without regret at the end of ten minutes2 finally1 in musing from morning until night without order or coherence1 and in following in everything the caprice of a moment4 ,botany1 such as ,i have always considered it1 and of which after my own manner ,i began to become passionately fond1 was precisely an idle study1 proper to fill up the void of my leisure1 without leaving room for the delirium of imagination or the weariness of total inaction4 ,carelessly wandering in the woods and the country1 mechanically gathering here a flower and there a branch2 eating my morsel almost by chance1 observing a thousand and a thousand times the same things1 and always with the same interest1 because ,i always forgot them1 were to me the means of passing an eternity without a weary moment4 ,however elegant1 admirable1 and variegated the structure of plants may be1 it does not strike an ignorant eye sufficiently to fix the attention4 ,the constant analogy1 with1 at the same time1 the prodigious variety which reigns in their conformation1 gives pleasure to those only who have already some idea of the vegetable system4 ,others at the sight of these treasures of nature feel nothing more than a stupid and monotonous admiration4 ,they see nothing in detail because they know not for what to look1 nor do they perceive the whole1 having no idea of the chain of connection and combinations which overwhelms with its wonders the mind of the observer4 ,i was arrived at that happy point of knowledge1 and my want of memory was such as constantly to keep me there1 that ,i knew little enough to make the whole new to me1 and yet everything that was necessary to make me sensible to the beauties of all the parts4 ,the different soils into which the island1 although little1 was divided1 offered a sufficient variety of plants1 for the study and amusement of my whole life4 ,i was determined not to leave a blade of grass without analyzing it1 and ,i began already to take measures for making1 with an immense collection of observations1 the ',flora ,petrinsularis'4 ,i sent for ,theresa1 who brought with her my books and effects4 ,we boarded with the receiver of the island4 ,his wife had sisters at ,nidau1 who by turns came to see her1 and were company for ,theresa4 ,i here made the experiment of the agreeable life which ,i could have wished to continue to the end of my days1 and the pleasure ,i found in it only served to make me feel to a greater degree the bitterness of that by which it was shortly to be succeeded4 ,i have ever been passionately fond of water1 and the sight of it throws me into a delightful reverie1 although frequently without a determinate object4 ,immediately after ,i rose from my bed ,i never failed1 if the weather was fine1 to run to the terrace to respire the fresh and salubrious air of the morning1 and glide my eye over the horizon of the lake1 bounded by banks and mountains1 delightful to the view4 ,i know no homage more worthy of the divinity than the silent admiration excited by the contemplation of his works1 and which is not externally expressed4 ,i can easily comprehend the reason why the inhabitants of great cities1 who see nothing but walls1 and streets1 have but little faith2 but not whence it happens that people in the country1 and especially such as live in solitude1 can possibly be without it4 ,how comes it to pass that these do not a hundred times a day elevate their minds in ecstasy to the ,author of the wonders which strike their senses4 ,for my part1 it is especially at rising1 wearied by a want of sleep1 that long habit inclines me to this elevation which imposes not the fatigue of thinking4 ,but to this effect my eyes must be struck with the ravishing beauties of nature4 ,in my chamber ,i pray less frequently1 and not so fervently2 but at the view of a fine landscape ,i feel myself moved1 but by what ,i am unable to tell4 ,i have somewhere read of a wise bishop who in a visit to his diocese found an old woman whose only prayer consisted in the single interjection ,oh6--,good mother1 said he to her1 continue to pray in this manner2 your prayer is better than ours4 ,this better prayer is mine also4 ,after breakfast1 ,i hastened1 with a frown on my brow1 to write a few pitiful letters1 longing ardently for the moment after which ,i should have no more to write4 ,i busied myself for a few minutes about my books and papers1 to unpack and arrange them1 rather than to read what they contained2 and this arrangement1 which to me became the work of ,penelope1 gave me the pleasure of musing for a while4 ,i then grew weary1 and quitted my books to spend the three or four hours which remained to me of the morning in the study of botany1 and especially of the system of ,linnaeus1 of which ,i became so passionately fond1 that1 after having felt how useless my attachment to it was1 ,i yet could not entirely shake it off4 ,this great observer is1 in my opinion1 the only one who1 with ,ludwig1 has hitherto considered botany as a naturalist1 and a philosopher2 but he has too much studied it in herbals and gardens1 and not sufficiently in nature herself4 ,for my part1 whose garden was always the whole island1 the moment ,i wanted to make or verify an observation1 ,i ran into the woods or meadows with my book under my arm1 and there laid myself upon the ground near the plant in question1 to examine it at my ease as it stood4 ,this method was of great service to me in gaining a knowledge of vegetables in their natural state1 before they had been cultivated and changed in their nature by the hands of men4 ,fagon1 first physician to ,louis ,,xiv41 and who named and perfectly knew all the plants in the royal garden1 is said to have been so ignorant in the country as not to know how to distinguish the same plants4 ,i am precisely the contrary4 ,i know something of the work of nature1 but nothing of that of the gardener4 ,i gave every afternoon totally up to my indolent and careless disposition1 and to following without regularity the impulse of the moment4 ,when the weather was calm1 ,i frequently went immediately after ,i rose from dinner1 and alone got into the boat4 ,the receiver had taught me to row with one oar2 ,i rowed out into the middle of the lake4 ,the moment ,i withdrew from the bank1 ,i felt a secret joy which almost made me leap1 and of which it is impossible for me to tell or even comprehend the cause1 if it were not a secret congratulation on my being out of the reach of the wicked4 ,i afterwards rowed about the lake1 sometimes approaching the opposite bank1 but never touching at it4 ,i often let my boat float at the mercy of the wind and water1 abandoning myself to reveries without object1 and which were not the less agreeable for their stupidity4 ,i sometimes exclaimed1 ,o nature6 ,o my mother6 ,i am here under thy guardianship alone2 here is no deceitful and cunning mortal to interfere between thee and me4 ,in this manner ,i withdrew half a league from land2 ,i could have wished the lake had been the ocean4 ,however1 to please my poor dog1 who was not so fond as ,i was of such a long stay on the water1 ,i commonly followed one constant course2 this was going to land at the little island where ,i walked an hour or two1 or laid myself down on the grass on the summit of the hill1 there to satiate myself with the pleasure of admiring the lake and its environs1 to examine and dissect all the herbs within my reach1 and1 like another ,robinson ,crusoe1 built myself an imaginary place of residence in the island4 ,i became very much attached to this eminence4 ,when ,i brought ,theresa1 with the wife of the receiver and her sisters1 to walk there1 how proud was ,i to be their pilot and guide6 ,we took there rabbits to stock it4 ,this was another source of pleasure to ,jean ,jacques4 ,these animals rendered the island still more interesting to me4 ,i afterwards went to it more frequently1 and with greater pleasure to observe the progress of the new inhabitants4 ,to these amusements ,i added one which recalled to my recollection the delightful life ,i led at the ,charmettes1 and to which the season particularly invited me4 ,this was assisting in the rustic labors of gathering of roots and fruits1 of which ,theresa and ,i made it a pleasure to partake with the wife of the receiver and his family4 ,i remember a ,bernois1 one ,m4 ,kirkeberguer1 coming to see me1 found me perched upon a tree with a sack fastened to my waist1 and already so full of apples that ,i could not stir from the branch on which ,i stood4 ,i was not sorry to be caught in this and similar situations4 ,i hoped the people of ,berne1 witnesses to the employment of my leisure1 would no longer think of disturbing my tranquillity but leave me at peace in my solitude4 ,i should have preferred being confined there by their desire3 this would have rendered the continuation of my repose more certain4 ,this is another declaration upon which ,i am previously certain of the incredulity of many of my readers1 who obstinately continue to judge me by themselves1 although they cannot but have seen1 in the course of my life1 a thousand internal affections which bore no resemblance to any of theirs4 ,but what is still more extraordinary is1 that they refuse me every sentiment1 good or indifferent1 which they have not1 and are constantly ready to attribute to me such bad ones as cannot enter into the heart of man3 in this case they find it easy to set me in opposition to nature1 and to make of me such a monster as cannot in reality exist4 ,nothing absurd appears to them incredible1 the moment it has a tendency to blacken me1 and nothing in the least extraordinary seems to them possible1 if it tends to do me honor4 ,but1 notwithstanding what they may think or say1 ,i will still continue faithfully to state what ,j4 ,j4 ,rousseau was1 did1 and thought2 without explaining1 or justifying1 the singularity of his sentiments and ideas1 or endeavoring to discover whether or not others have thought as he did4 ,i became so delighted with the island of ,st4 ,peter1 and my residence there was so agreeable to me that1 by concentrating all my desires within it1 ,i formed the wish that ,i might stay there to the end of my life4 ,the visits ,i had to return in the neighborhood1 the journeys ,i should be under the necessity of making to ,neuchatel1 ,bienne1 ,yverdon1 and ,nidau1 already fatigued my imagination4 ,a day passed out of the island1 seemed to me a loss of so much happiness1 and to go beyond the bounds of the lake was to go out of my element4 ,past experience had besides rendered me apprehensive4 ,the very satisfaction that ,i received from anything whatever was sufficient to make me fear the loss of it1 and the ardent desire ,i had to end my days in that island1 was inseparable from the apprehension of being obliged to leave it4 ,i had contracted a habit of going in the evening to sit upon the sandy shore1 especially when the lake was agitated4 ,i felt a singular pleasure in seeing the waves break at my feet4 ,i formed of them in my imagination the image of the tumult of the world contrasted with the peace of my habitation2 and this pleasing idea sometimes softened me even to tears4 ,the repose ,i enjoyed with ecstasy was disturbed by nothing but the fear of being deprived of it1 and this inquietude was accompanied with some bitterness4 ,i felt my situation so precarious as not to dare to depend upon its continuance4 ,ah6 how willingly1 said ,i to myself1 would ,i renounce the liberty of quitting this place1 for which ,i have no desire1 for the assurance of always remaining in it4 ,instead of being permitted to stay here by favor1 why am ,i not detained by force6 ,they who suffer me to remain may in a moment drive me away1 and can ,i hope my persecutors1 seeing me happy1 will leave me here to continue to be so8 ,permitting me to live in the island is but a trifling favor4 ,i could wish to be condemned to do it1 and constrained to remain here that ,i may not be obliged to go elsewhere4 ,i cast an envious eye upon ,micheli du ,cret1 who1 quiet in the castle of ,arbourg1 had only to determine to be happy to become so4 ,in fine1 by abandoning myself to these reflections1 and the alarming apprehensions of new storms always ready to break over my head1 ,i wished for them with an incredible ardor1 and that instead of suffering me to reside in the island1 the ,bernois would give it me for a perpetual prison2 and ,i can assert that had it depended upon me to get myself condemned to this1 ,i would most joyfully have done it1 preferring a thousand times the necessity of passing my life there to the danger of being driven to another place4 ,this fear did not long remain on my mind4 ,when ,i least expected what was to happen1 ,i received a letter from the bailiff of ,nidau1 within whose jurisdiction the island of ,st4 ,peter was2 by his letter he announced to me from their excellencies an order to quit the island and their states4 ,i thought myself in a dream4 ,nothing could be less natural1 reasonable1 or foreseen than such an order3 for ,i considered my apprehensions as the result of inquietude in a man whose imagination was disturbed by his misfortunes1 and not to proceed from a foresight which could have the least foundation4 ,the measures ,i had taken to insure myself the tacit consent of the sovereign1 the tranquillity with which ,i had been left to make my establishment1 the visits of several people from ,berne1 and that of the bailiff himself1 who had shown me such friendship and attention1 and the rigor of the season in which it was barbarous to expel a man who was sickly and infirm1 all these circumstances made me and many people believe that there was some mistake in the order and that ill-disposed people had purposely chosen the time of the vintage and the vacation of the senate suddenly to do me an injury4 ,had ,i yielded to the first impulse of my indignation1 ,i should immediately have departed4 ,but to what place was ,i to go8 ,what was to become of me at the beginning of the winter1 without object1 preparation1 guide or carriage8 ,not to leave my papers and effects at the mercy of the first comer1 time was necessary to make proper arrangements1 and it was not stated in the order whether or not this would be granted me4 ,the continuance of misfortune began to weigh down my courage4 ,for the first time in my life ,i felt my natural haughtiness stoop to the yoke of necessity1 and1 notwithstanding the murmurs of my heart1 ,i was obliged to demean myself by asking for a delay4 ,i applied to ,m4 de ,graffenried1 who had sent me the order1 for an explanation of it4 ,his letter1 conceived in the strongest terms of disapprobation of the step that had been taken1 assured me it was with the greatest regret he communicated to me the nature of it1 and the expressions of grief and esteem it contained seemed so many gentle invitations to open to him my heart3 ,i did so4 ,i had no doubt but my letter would open the eyes of my persecutors1 and that if so cruel an order was not revoked1 at least a reasonable delay1 perhaps the whole winter1 to make the necessary preparations for my retreat1 and to choose a place of abode1 would be granted me4 ,whilst ,i waited for an answer1 ,i reflected upon my situation1 and deliberated upon the steps ,i had to take4 ,i perceived so many difficulties on all sides1 the vexation ,i had suffered had so strongly affected me1 and my health was then in such a bad state1 that ,i was quite overcome1 and the effect of my discouragement was to deprive me of the little resource which remained in my mind1 by which ,i might1 as well as it was possible to do it1 have withdrawn myself from my melancholy situation4 ,in whatever asylum ,i should take refuge1 it appeared impossible to avoid either of the two means made use of to expel me4 ,one of which was to stir up against me the populace by secret manoeuvres2 and the other to drive me away by open force1 without giving a reason for so doing4 ,i could not1 therefore1 depend upon a safe retreat1 unless ,i went in search of it farther than my strength and the season seemed likely to permit4 ,these circumstances again bringing to my recollection the ideas which had lately occurred to me1 ,i wished my persecutors to condemn me to perpetual imprisonment rather than oblige me incessantly to wander upon the earth1 by successively expelling me from the asylums of which ,i should make choice3 and to this effect ,i made them a proposal4 ,two days after my first letter to ,m4 de ,graffenried1 ,i wrote him a second1 desiring he would state what ,i had proposed to their excellencies4 ,the answer from ,berne to both was an order1 conceived in the most formal and severe terms1 to go out of the island1 and leave every territory1 mediate and immediate of the republic1 within the space of twenty-four hours1 and never to enter them again under the most grievous penalties4 ,this was a terrible moment4 ,i have since that time felt greater anguish1 but never have ,i been more embarrassed4 ,what afflicted me most was being forced to abandon the project which had made me desirous to pass the winter in the island4 ,it is now time ,i should relate the fatal anecdote which completed my disasters1 and involved in my ruin an unfortunate people1 whose rising virtues already promised to equal those of ,rome and ,sparta1 ,i had spoken of the ,corsicans in the ',social ,contract' as a new people1 the only nation in ,europe not too worn out for legislation1 and had expressed the great hope there was of such a people1 if it were fortunate enough to have a wise legislator4 ,my work was read by some of the ,corsicans1 who were sensible of the honorable manner in which ,i had spoken of them2 and the necessity under which they found themselves of endeavoring to establish their republic1 made their chiefs think of asking me for my ideas upon the subject4 ,m4 ,buttafuoco1 of one of the first families in the country1 and captain in ,france1 in the ,royal ,italians1 wrote to me to that effect1 and sent me several papers for which ,i had asked to make myself acquainted with the history of the nation and the state of the country4 ,m4 ,paoli1 also1 wrote to me several times1 and although ,i felt such an undertaking to be superior to my abilities2 ,i thought ,i could not refuse to give my assistance to so great and noble a work1 the moment ,i should have acquired all the necessary information4 ,it was to this effect ,i answered both these gentlemen1 and the correspondence lasted until my departure4 ,precisely at the same time1 ,i heard that ,france was sending troops to ,corsica1 and that she had entered into a treaty with the ,genoese4 ,this treaty and sending of troops gave me uneasiness1 and1 without imagining ,i had any further relation with the business1 ,i thought it impossible and the attempt ridiculous1 to labor at an undertaking which required such undisturbed tranquillity as the political institution of a people in the moment when perhaps they were upon the point of being subjugated4 ,i did not conceal my fears from ,m4 ,buttafuoco1 who rather relieved me from them by the assurance that1 were there in the treaty things contrary to the liberty of his country1 a good citizen like himself would not remain as he did in the service of ,france4 ,in fact1 his zeal for the legislation of the ,corsicans1 and his connections with ,m4 ,paoli1 could not leave a doubt on my mind respecting him2 and when ,i heard he made frequent journeys to ,versailles and ,fontainebleau1 and had conversations with ,m4 de ,choiseul1 all ,i concluded from the whole was1 that with respect to the real intentions of ,france he had assurances which he gave me to understand1 but concerning which he did not choose openly to explain himself by letter4 ,this removed a part of my apprehensions4 ,yet1 as ,i could not comprehend the meaning of the transportation of troops from ,france1 nor reasonably suppose they were sent to ,corsica to protect the liberty of the inhabitants1 which they of themselves were very well able to defend against the ,genoese1 ,i could neither make myself perfectly easy1 nor seriously undertake the plan of the proposed legislation1 until ,i had solid proofs that the whole was serious1 and that the parties meant not to trifle with me4 ,i much wished for an interview with ,m4 ,buttafuoco1 as that was certainly the best means of coming at the explanation ,i wished4 ,of this he gave me hopes1 and ,i waited for it with the greatest impatience4 ,i know not whether he really intended me any interview or not2 but had this even been the case1 my misfortunes would have prevented me from profiting by it4 ,the more ,i considered the proposed undertaking1 and the further ,i advanced in the examination of the papers ,i had in my hands1 the greater ,i found the necessity of studying1 in the country1 the people for whom institutions were to be made1 the soil they inhabited1 and all the relative circumstances by which it was necessary to appropriate to them that institution4 ,i daily perceived more clearly the impossibility of acquiring at a distance all the information necessary to guide me4 ,this ,i wrote to ,m4 ,buttafuoco1 and he felt as ,i did4 ,although ,i did not form the precise resolution of going to ,corsica4 ,i considered a good deal of the means necessary to make that voyage4 ,i mentioned it to ,m4 ,dastier1 who having formerly served in the island under ,m4 de ,maillebois1 was necessarily acquainted with it4 ,he used every effort to dissuade me from this intention1 and ,i confess the frightful description he gave me of the ,corsicans and their country1 considerably abated the desire ,i had of going to live amongst them4 ,but when the persecutions of ,motiers made me think of quitting ,switzerland1 this desire was again strengthened by the hope of at length finding amongst these islanders the repose refused me in every other place4 ,one thing only alarmed me1 which was my unfitness for the active life to which ,i was going to be condemned1 and the aversion ,i had always had to it4 ,my disposition1 proper for meditating at leisure and in solitude1 was not so for speaking and acting1 and treating of affairs with men4 ,nature1 which had endowed me with the first talent1 had refused me the last4 ,yet ,i felt that1 even without taking a direct and active part in public affairs1 ,i should as soon as ,i was in ,corsica1 be under the necessity of yielding to the desires of the people1 and of frequently conferring with the chiefs4 ,the object even of the voyage required that1 instead of seeking retirement1 ,i should in the heart of the country endeavor to gain the information of which ,i stood in need4 ,it was certain that ,i should no longer be master of my own time1 and that1 in spite of myself1 precipitated into the vortex in which ,i was not born to move1 ,i should there lead a life contrary to my inclination1 and never appear but to disadvantage4 ,i foresaw that ill-supporting by my presence the opinion my books might have given the ,corsicans of my capacity1 ,i should lose my reputation amongst them1 and1 as much to their prejudice as my own1 be deprived of the confidence they had in me1 without which1 however1 ,i could not successfully produce the work they expected from my pen4 ,i am certain that1 by thus going out of my sphere1 ,i should become useless to the inhabitants1 and render myself unhappy4 ,tormented1 beaten by storms from every quarter1 and1 for several years past1 fatigued by journeys and persecution1 ,i strongly felt a want of the repose of which my barbarous enemies wantonly deprived me3 ,i sighed more than ever after that delicious indolence1 that soft tranquillity of body and mind1 which ,i had so much desired1 and to which1 now that ,i had recovered from the chimeras of love and friendship1 my heart limited its supreme felicity4 ,i viewed with terror the work ,i was about to undertake2 the tumultuous life into which ,i was to enter made me tremble1 and if the grandeur1 beauty1 and utility of the object animated my courage1 the impossibility of conquering so many difficulties entirely deprived me of it4 ,twenty years of profound meditation in solitude would have been less painful to me than an active life of six months in the midst of men and public affairs1 with a certainty of not succeeding in my undertaking4 ,i thought of an expedient which seemed proper to obviate every difficulty4 ,pursued by the underhand dealings of my secret persecutors to every place in which ,i took refuge1 and seeing no other except ,corsica where ,i could in my old days hope for the repose ,i had until then been everywhere deprived of1 ,i resolved to go there with the directions of ,m4 ,buttafuoco as soon as this was possible1 but to live there in tranquillity2 renouncing1 in appearance1 everything relative to legislation1 and1 in some measure1 to make my hosts a return for their hospitality1 to confine myself to writing in the country the history of the ,corsicans1 with a reserve in my own mind of the intention of secretly acquiring the necessary information to become more useful to them should ,i see a probability of success4 ,in this manner1 by not entering into an engagement1 ,i hoped to be enabled better to meditate in secret and more at my ease1 a plan which might be useful to their purpose1 and this without much breaking in upon my dearly beloved solitude1 or submitting to a kind of life which ,i had ever found insupportable4 ,but the journey was not1 in my situation1 a thing so easy to get over4 ,according to what ,m4 ,dastier had told me of ,corsica1 ,i could not expect to find there the most simple conveniences of life1 except such as ,i should take with me2 linen1 clothes1 plate1 kitchen furniture1 and books1 all were to be conveyed thither4 ,to get there myself with my gouvernante1 ,i had the ,alps to cross1 and in a journey of two hundred leagues to drag after me all my baggage2 ,i had also to pass through the states of several sovereigns1 and according to the example set to all ,europe1 ,i had1 after what had befallen me1 naturally to expect to find obstacles in every quarter1 and that each sovereign would think he did himself honor by overwhelming me with some new insult1 and violating in my person all the rights of persons and humanity4 ,the immense expense1 fatigue1 and risk of such a journey made a previous consideration of them1 and weighing every difficulty1 the first step necessary4 ,the idea of being alone1 and1 at my age1 without resource1 far removed from all my acquaintance1 and at the mercy of these semi-barbarous and ferocious people1 such as ,m4 ,dastier had described them to me1 was sufficient to make me deliberate before ,i resolved to expose myself to such dangers4 ,i ardently wished for the interview for which ,m4 ,buttafuoco had given me reason to hope1 and ,i waited the result of it to guide me in my determination4 ,whilst ,i thus hesitated came on the persecutions of ,motiers1 which obliged me to retire4 ,i was not prepared for a long journey1 especially to ,corsica4 ,i expected to hear from ,buttafuoco2 ,i took refuge in the island of ,st4 ,peter1 whence ,i was driven at the beginning of winter1 as ,i have already stated4 ,the ,alps1 covered with snow1 then rendered my emigration impracticable1 especially with the promptitude required from me4 ,it is true1 the extravagant severity of a like order rendered the execution of it almost impossible2 for1 in the midst of that concentred solitude1 surrounded by water1 and having but twenty-four hours after receiving the order to prepare for my departure1 and find a boat and carriages to get out of the island and the territory1 had ,i had wings1 ,i should scarcely have been able to pay obedience to it4 ,this ,i wrote to the bailiff of ,nidau1 in answer to his letter1 and hastened to take my departure from a country of iniquity4 ,in this manner was ,i obliged to abandon my favorite project1 for which reason1 not having in my oppression been able to prevail upon my persecutors to dispose of me otherwise1 ,i determined1 in consequence of the invitation of my lord marshal1 upon a journey to ,berlin1 leaving ,theresa to pass the winter in the island of ,st4 ,peter1 with my books and effects1 and depositing my papers in the hands of ,m4 du ,peyrou4 ,i used so much diligence that the next morning ,i left the island and arrived at ,bienne before noon4 ,an accident1 which ,i cannot pass over in silence1 had here well nigh put an end to my journey4 ,as soon as the news or my having received an order to quit my asylum was circulated1 ,i received a great number of visits from the neighborhood1 and especially from the ,bernois1 who came with the most detestable falsehood to flatter and soothe me1 protesting that my persecutors had seized the moment of the vacation of the senate to obtain and send me the order1 which1 said they1 had excited the indignation of the two hundred4 ,some of these comforters came from the city of ,bienne1 a little free state within that of ,berne1 and amongst others a young man of the name of ,wildremet whose family was of the first rank1 and had the greatest credit in that city4 ,wildremet strongly solicited me in the name of his fellow-citizens to choose my retreat amongst them1 assuring me that they were anxiously desirous of it1 and that they would think it an honor and their duty to make me forget the persecutions ,i had suffered2 that with them ,i had nothing to fear from the influence of the ,bernois1 that ,bienne was a free city1 governed by its own laws1 and that the citizens were unanimously resolved not to hearken to any solicitation which should be unfavorable to me4 ,wildremet perceiving all he could say to be ineffectual1 brought to his aid several other persons1 as well from ,bienne and the environs as from ,berne2 even1 and amongst others1 the same ,kirkeberguer1 of whom ,i have spoken1 who1 after my retreat to ,switzerland had endeavored to obtain my esteem1 and by his talents and principles had interested me in his favor4 ,but ,i received much less expected and more weighty solicitations from ,m4 ,barthes1 secretary to the embassy from ,france1 who came with ,wildremet to see me1 exhorted me to accept his invitation1 and surprised me by the lively and tender concern he seemed to feel for my situation4 ,i did not know ,m4 ,barthes2 however ,i perceived in what he said the warmth and zeal of friendship1 and that he had it at heart to persuade me to fix my residence at ,bienne4 ,he made the most pompous eulogium of the city and its inhabitants1 with whom he showed himself so intimately connected as to call them several times in my presence his patrons and fathers4 ,this from ,barthes bewildered me in my conjectures4 ,i had always suspected ,m4 de ,choisuel to be the secret author of all the persecutions ,i suffered in ,switzerland4 ,the conduct of the resident of ,geneva1 and that of the ambassador at ,soleure but too much confirmed my suspicion2 ,i perceived the secret influence of ,france in everything that happened to me at ,berne1 ,geneva and ,neuchatel1 and ,i did not think ,i had any powerful enemy in that kingdom1 except the ,duke de ,choiseul4 ,what therefore could ,i think of the visit of ,barthes and the tender concern he showed for my welfare8 ,my misfortunes had not yet destroyed the confidence natural to my heart1 and ,i had still to learn from experience to discern snares under the appearance of friendship4 ,i sought with surprise the reason of the benevolence of ,m4 ,barthes2 ,i was not weak enough to believe he had acted from himself2 there was in his manner something ostentatious1 an affectation even which declared a concealed intention1 and ,i was far from having found in any of these little subaltern agents1 that generous intrepidity which1 when ,i was in a similar employment1 had often caused a fermentation in my heart4 ,i had formerly known something of the ,chevalier ,beauteville1 at the castle of ,montmorency2 he had shown me marks of esteem2 since his appointment to the embassy he had given me proofs of his not having entirely forgotten me1 accompanied with an invitation to go and see him at ,soleure4 ,though ,i did not accept this invitation1 ,i was extremely sensible of his civility1 not having been accustomed to be treated with such kindness by people in place4 ,i presume ,m4 de ,beauteville1 obliged to follow his instructions in what related to the affairs of ,geneva1 yet pitying me under my misfortunes1 had by his private cares prepared for me the asylum of ,bienne1 that ,i might live there in peace under his auspices4 ,i was properly sensible of his attention1 but without wishing to profit by it and quite determined upon the journey to ,berlin1 ,i sighed after the moment in which ,i was to see my lord marshal1 persuaded ,i should in future find real repose and lasting happiness nowhere but near his person4 ,on my departure from the island1 ,kirkeberguer accompanied me to ,bienne4 ,i found ,wildremet and other ,biennois1 who1 by the water side1 waited my getting out of the boat4 ,we all dined together at the inn1 and on my arrival there my first care was to provide a chaise1 being determined to set off the next morning4 ,whilst we were at dinner these gentlemen repeated their solicitations to prevail upon me to stay with them1 and this with such warmth and obliging protestations1 that notwithstanding all my resolutions1 my heart1 which has never been able to resist friendly attentions1 received an impression from theirs2 the moment they perceived ,i was shaken1 they redoubled their efforts with so much effect that ,i was at length overcome1 and consented to remain at ,bienne1 at least until the spring4 ,wildremet immediately set about providing me with a lodging1 and boasted1 as of a fortunate discovery1 of a dirty little chamber in the back of the house1 on the third story1 looking into a courtyard1 where ,i had for a view the display of the stinking skins of a dresser of chamois leather4 ,my host was a man of a mean appearance1 and a good deal of a rascal2 the next day after ,i went to his house ,i heard that he was a debauchee1 a gamester1 and in bad credit in the neighborhood4 ,he had neither wife1 children1 nor servants1 and shut up in my solitary chamber1 ,i was in the midst of one of the most agreeable countries in ,europe1 lodged in a manner to make me die of melancholy in the course of a few days4 ,what affected me most was1 that1 notwithstanding what ,i had heard of the anxious wish of the inhabitants to receive me amongst them1 ,i had not perceived1 as ,i passed through the streets1 anything polite towards me in their manners1 or obliging in their looks4 ,i was1 however1 determined to remain there2 but ,i learned1 saw1 and felt1 the day after1 that there was in the city a terrible fermentation1 of which ,i was the cause4 ,several persons hastened obligingly to inform me that on the next day ,i was to receive an order conceived in the most severe terms1 immediately to quit the state1 that is the city4 ,i had nobody in whom ,i could confide2 they who had detained me were dispersed4 ,wildremet had disappeared2 ,i heard no more of ,barthes1 and it did not appear that his recommendation had brought me into great favor with those whom he had styled his patrons and fathers4 ,one ,m4 de ,van ,travers1 a ,bernois1 who had an agreeable house not far from the city1 offered it to me for my asylum1 hoping1 as he said1 that ,i might there avoid being stoned4 ,the advantage this offer held out was not sufficiently flattering to tempt me to prolong my abode with these hospitable people4 ,yet1 having lost three days by the delay1 ,i had greatly exceeded the twenty-four hours the ,bernois had given me to quit their states1 and knowing their severity1 ,i was not without apprehensions as to the manner in which they would suffer me to cross them1 when the bailiff of ,nidau came opportunely and relieved me from my embarrassment4 ,as he had highly disapproved of the violent proceedings of their excellencies1 he thought1 in his generosity1 he owed me some public proof of his taking no part in them1 and had courage to leave his bailiwick to come and pay me a visit at ,bienne4 ,he did me this favor the evening before my departure1 and far from being incognito he affected ceremony1 coming in fiocchi in his coach with his secretary1 and brought me a passport in his own name that ,i might cross the state of ,berne at my ease1 and without fear of molestation4 ,i was more flattered by the visit than by the passport1 and should have been as sensible of the merit of it1 had it had for object any other person whatsoever4 ,nothing makes a greater impression on my heart than a well-timed act of courage in favor of the weak unjustly oppressed4 ,at length1 after having with difficulty procured a chaise1 ,i next morning left this barbarous country1 before the arrival of the deputation with which ,i was to be honored1 and even before ,i had seen ,theresa1 to whom ,i had written to come to me1 when ,i thought ,i should remain at ,bienne1 and whom ,i had scarcely time to countermand by a short letter1 informing her of my new disaster4 ,in the third part of my memoirs1 if ever ,i be able to write them1 ,i shall state in what manner1 thinking to set off for ,berlin1 ,i really took my departure for ,england1 and the means by which the two ladies who wished to dispose of my person1 after having by their manoeuvres driven me from ,switzerland1 where ,i was not sufficiently in their power1 at last delivered me into the hands of their friend4 ,i added what follows on reading my memoirs to ,m4 and ,madam1 the ,countess of ,egmont1 the ,prince ,pignatelli1 the ,marchioness of ,mesme1 and the ,marquis of ,juigne4 ,i have written the truth3 if any person has heard of things contrary to those ,i have just stated1 were they a thousand times proved1 he has heard calumny and falsehood2 and if he refuses thoroughly to examine and compare them with me whilst ,i am alive1 he is not a friend either to justice or truth4 ,for my part1 ,i openly1 and without the least fear declare1 that whoever1 even without having read my works1 shall have examined with his own eyes1 my disposition1 character1 manners1 inclinations1 pleasures1 and habits1 and pronounce me a dishonest man1 is himself one who deserves a gibbet4 ,thus ,i concluded1 and every person was silent2 ,madam d',egmont was the only person who seemed affected2 she visibly trembled1 but soon recovered herself1 and was silent like the rest of the company4 ,such were the fruits of my reading and declaration4 ,,note3 ,here is a short list of bookmarks1 or pointers1 at the end of the file for those who may wish to sample the author's ideas before making an entire meal of them4 ,d4,w4 ,,etext ,,editor',s ,,bookmarks3 ,a feeling heart the foundation of all my misfortunes ,a religion preached by such missionaries must lead to paradise6 ,a subject not even fit to make a priest of ,a man1 on being questioned1 is immediately on his guard ,adopted the jargon of books1 than the knowledge they contained ,all animals are distrustful of man1 and with reason ,all your evils proceed from yourselves6 ,an author must be independent of success ,ardor for learning became so far a madness ,aversion to singularity ,avoid putting our interests in competition with our duty ,being beat like a slave1 ,i judged ,i had a right to all vices ,bilboquet ,catholic must content himself with the decisions of others ,caution is needless after the evil has happened ,cemented by reciprocal esteem ,considering this want of decency as an act of courage ,conversations were more serviceable than his prescriptions ,degree of sensuality had mingled with the smart and shame ,die without the aid of physicians ,difficult to think nobly when we think for a livelihood ,dine at the hour of supper2 sup when ,i should have been asleep ,disgusted with the idle trifling of a convent ,dissembler1 though1 in fact1 ,i was only courteous ,dying for love without an object ,endeavoring to hide my incapacity1 ,i rarely fail to show it ,endeavoring to rise too high we are in danger of falling ,ever appearing to feel as little for others as herself ,finding in every disease symptoms similar to mine ,first instance of violence and oppression is so deeply engraved ,first time in my life1 of saying1 ,i merit my own esteem ,flattery1 or rather condescension1 is not always a vice ,force me to be happy in the manner they should point out ,foresight with me has always embittered enjoyment ,hastening on to death without having lived ,hat1 only fit to be carried under his arm ,have the pleasure of seeing an ass ride on horseback ,have ever preferred suffering to owing ,her excessive admiration or dislike of everything ,hold fast to aught that ,i have1 and yet covet nothing more ,hopes1 in which self-love was by no means a loser ,how many wrongs are effaced by the embraces of a friend6 ,i never much regretted sleep ,i strove to flatter my idleness ,i never heard her speak ill of persons who were absent ,i loved her too well to wish to possess her ,i felt no dread but that of being detected ,i was long a child1 and am so yet in many particulars ,i am charged with the care of myself only ,i only wished to avoid giving offence ,i did not fear punishment1 but ,i dreaded shame ,i had a numerous acquaintance1 yet no more than two friends ,idea of my not being everything to her ,idleness is as much the pest of society as of solitude ,if you have nothing to do1 you must absolutely speak continually ,in the course of their lives frequently unlike themselves ,in company ,i suffer cruelly by inaction ,in a nation of blind men1 those with one eye are kings ,indolence1 negligence and delay in little duties to be fulfilled ,indolence of company is burdensome because it is forced ,injustice of mankind which embitters both life and death ,insignificant trash that has obtained the name of education ,instead of being delighted with the journey only wished arrival ,is it possible to dissimulate with persons whom we love8 ,jean ,bapiste ,rousseau ,knew how to complain1 but not how to act ,law that the accuser should be confined at the same time ,left to nature the whole care of my own instruction ,less degree of repugnance in divulging what is really criminal ,letters illustrious in proportion as it was less a trade ,loaded with words and redundancies ,looking on each day as the last of my life ,love of the marvellous is natural to the human heart ,make men like himself1 instead of taking them as they were ,making their knowledge the measure of possibilities ,making me sensible of every deficiency ,manoeuvres of an author to the care of publishing a good book ,men1 in general1 make ,god like themselves ,men of learning more tenaciously retain their predjudices ,mistake wit for sense ,moment ,i acquired literary fame1 ,i had no longer a friend ,money that we possess is the instrument of liberty ,money we lack and strive to obtain is the instrument of slavery ,more stunned than flattered by the trumpet of fame ,more folly than candor in the declaration without necessity ,multiplying persons and adventures ,my greatest faults have been omissions ,myself the principal object ,necessity1 the parent of industry1 suggested an invention ,neither the victim nor witness of any violent emotions ,no sooner had lost sight of men than ,i ceased to despise them ,no longer permitted to let old people remain out of ,paris ,not so easy to quit her house as to enter it ,not knowing how to spend their time1 daily breaking in upon me ,nothing absurd appears to them incredible ,obliged to pay attention to every foolish thing uttered ,obtain their wishes1 without permitting or promising anything ,one of those affronts which women scarcely ever forgive ,only prayer consisted in the single interjection ,oh6 ,painful to an honest man to resist desires already formed ,passed my days in languishing in silence for those ,i most admire ,piety was too sincere to give way to any affectation of it ,placing unbounded confidence in myself and others ,prescriptions serve to flatter the hopes of the patient ,priests ought never to have children--except by married women ,proportioned rather to her ideas than abilities ,protestants1 in general1 are better instructed ,rather bashful than modest ,rather appeared to study with than to instruct me ,read the hearts of others by endeavoring to conceal our own ,read description of any malady without thinking it mine ,read without studying ,remorse wakes amid the storms of adversity ,remorse sleeps in the calm sunshine of prosperity ,reproach me with so many contradictions ,return of spring seemed to me like rising from the grave ,rogues know how to save themselves at the expense of the feeble ,satisfaction of weeping together ,seeking1 by fresh offences1 a return of the same chastisement ,sin consisted only in the scandal ,slighting her favors1 if within your reach1 a unpardonable crime ,sometimes encourage hopes they never mean to realize ,substituting cunning to knowledge ,supposed that certain1 which ,i only knew to be probable ,taught me it was not so terrible to thieve as ,i had imagined ,that which neither women nor authors ever pardon ,the malediction of knaves is the glory of an honest man ,the conscience of the guilty would revenge the innocent ,there is nothing in this world but time and misfortune ,there is no clapping of hands before the king ,this continued desire to control me in all my wishes ,though not a fool1 ,i have frequently passed for one ,to make him my apologies for the offence he had given me ,true happiness is indescribable1 it is only to be felt ,trusting too implicitly to their own innocence ,tyranny of persons who called themselves my friends ,virtuous minds1 which vice never attacks openly ,voltaire was formed never to be happy ,we learned to dissemble1 to rebel1 to lie ,what facility everything which favors the malignity of man ,when once we make a secret of anything to the person we love ,when everyone is busy1 you may continue silent ,whence comes it that even a child can intimidate a man ,where merit consists in belief1 and not in virtue ,whole universe would be interested in my concerns ,whose discourses began by a distribution of millions ,wish thus to be revenged of me for their humiliation ,without the least scruple1 freely disposing of my time ,writing for bread would soon have extinguished my genius ,yielded him the victory1 or rather declined the contest