99,,satires ,,and ,,profanities99       
,by                                     
99,james ,thomson99                     
,with a ,preface by ,g4 ,w4 ,foote      
,london                                 
#ahhd          ,,contents               
,,preface      ,,the ,,devil ,,in ,,the 
,,church ,,of ,,england      ,,religion 
,,in ,,the ,,rocky ,,mountains          
,,the ,,story ,,of ,a ,,famous ,,old    
,,jewish ,,firm      ,,christmas ,,eve  
,,in ,,the ,,upper ,,circles            
,,heine ,,on ,,an ,,illustrious ,,exile 
,,with ,,something ,,about ,,whales     
,,the ,,daily ,,news      ,,jesus3 ,,as 
,,god2 ,,as ,a ,,man      ,,the ,,one   
,,thing ,,needful      ,,the ,,swinburne
 ,,controversy      ,,great ,,christ    
,,is ,,dead      ,,resurrection ,,and   
,,ascension ,,of ,,jesus      ,,some    
,,muslim ,,laws ,,and ,,beliefs         
,,the ,,christian ,,world ,,and ,,the   
,,secularist      ,,the ,,athanasian    
,,creed      ,,our ,,obstructions       
,,mr4 ,,kingsley',s ,,convertites       

,,the ,,primate ,,on ,,the ,,church     
,,and ,,the ,,world      ,,spiritism    
,,in ,,the ,,police ,,court      ,a     
,,commission ,,of ,,inquiry ,,on        
,,royalty      ,draft      ,a ,,bible   
,,lesson ,,on ,,monarchy                
,,principal ,,tulloch ,,on ,,personal   
,,immortality      ,,the ,,established  
,,church          ,,preface             
,believing as ,i do that ,james ,thomson
 is1 since ,shelley1 the most  brilliant
 genius who has wielded a pen in the    
service of ,freethought1 ,i  take a     
natural pride and pleasure in rescuing  
the following articles  from burial in  
the great mausoleum of the periodical   
press4 ,there will  doubtless be a      
diversity of opinion as to their value4 
,one critic1 for  instance1 has called  
8,the ,story of a ,famous ,old ,jewish  
,firm0 a witless  squib2 but1 on the    
other hand1 the late ,professor         
,clifford considered it  a piece of     
exquisite mordant satire worthy of      
,swift4 ,such differences  are          

inevitable from the very nature of the  
subject4 ,satire1 more than  any other  
form of composition1 rouses antipathy   
where it does not  command applause2 and
 the greater the satire1 the more       
intense are the  feelings it excites4   
,but which side1 it may be inquired1 is 
likely to be the best judge8  ,surely   
the friendly one4 ,sympathy is requisite
 to insight1 as ,carlyle  says2 while   
hostility blinds us to a thousand       
virtues and beauties4 ,i am  aware that 
many will take objection to the         
employment of satire at all1  whether   
good or bad1 on religious topics2 but   
this seems to me  preposterous1 and ,i  
should readily answer it1 if ,thomson   
had not done so  himself in the most    
vigorous and triumphant manner4         
,nearly all the pieces in this volume   
appeared originally in the ,national    
,reformer or the ,secularist4 ,i have   
attempted no arrangement of them1 not   
even a chronological one2 the compositor
 has shuffled them at his own  sweet    

will4 ,all ,i have done1 besides        
collecting them and carefully  reading  
the proofs1 is to indicate in each case 
the year of first  publication2 and ,i  
think the reader will approve this plan 
as both  modest and sensible4    ,i am  
much mistaken if this volume does not   
become a well-prized treasure  to many  
,freethinkers2 that it will ever be     
valued by the general public  ,i dare   
not hope4 ,yet the number of its        
admirers will increase with the  growth 
of a healthy scepticism4 ,it will not   
fall like a bombshell among  ordinary   
readers1 who serenely ignore the most   
terrible mental  explosives1 and render 
them comparatively innocuous by mere    
force of  neglect2 but it will startle  
and stimulate some minds1 and in time   
its  influence will extend to many more4
    ,what value ,thomson placed on these
 pieces it is difficult to decide4      
8,working off the talent10 he once      
remarked when ,i mentioned them4 ,but   
the fact remains that he allowed one or 

two of them to be reprinted as          
pamphlets before any of his poems were  
collected in a volume4 ,he  naturally   
cared more for his poems than for his   
prose4 ,what poet ever  did the         
contrary8 ,but even for these he cared  
little1 except 8,the ,city  of ,dreadful
 ,night0 and a few others1 which        
expressed his profoundest  convictions4 
,there were several articles in his     
8,essays and ,phantasies0 that proved   
,thomson to be a born satirist as well  
as a born poet2 notably 8,proposals  for
 the ,speedy ,extinction of ,evil and   
,misery10 a tremendous display of       
sustained irony1 to my mind unsurpassed 
even by ,swift at his greatest1  and    
with a poetic grandeur quite beyond him4
 ,the contents of this volume  show     
marks of the same strong hand4 ,there is
 never1 perhaps1 so  continuous an      
exertion of power2 but there is more    
versatility1 more  freedom1 and often   
more abandon4 ,i fancy1 too1 there is   
more rapidity  and suppleness1 and ,i am

 sure there is more mirth4    ,thomson's
 satire was always bitterest1 or at any 
rate most trenchant1  when it dealt with
 ,religion1 which he considered a       
disease of the mind1  engendered by     
folly and fostered by ignorance and     
vanity4 ,he saw that  spiritual         
superstition not only diverts men from  
,truth1 but induces a  slavish stupidity
 of mind1 and prepares the way for every
 form of  political and social          
injustice4 ,he was an ,atheist first and
 a ,republican  afterwards4 ,he derided 
the idea of making a true ,republic of a
  population besotted with religion1    
paralysed by creeds cringing to the     
agents of their servitude1 and clinging 
to the chains that enthral them4    ,a  
few words only as to ,thomson's life4   
,outwardly it was singularly            
uneventful1 although inwardly it was    
intense and exciting4 ,he was bom at    
,port ,glasgow1 on the #bcrd of         
,november1 #ahcd2 and he died in        
,london1 on  the #ast of ,june #ahhb4   

,his father was a merchant captain1 and 
his mother  a zealous ,irvingite4 ,left 
parentless in his infancy1 he was       
educated at  the ,caledonian ,orphan    
,asylum4 ,for some years he served as a 
schoolmaster  in the army1 during which 
time he contracted an intimate          
friendship with  ,mr4 ,bradlaugh1 with  
whom he subsequently worked and lived in
 ,london4  ,soon after leaving ,mr4     
,bradlaugh he devoted himself to        
journalism1 to  which he brought a      
well-practised pen2 contributing to the 
,national  ,reformer1 the ,secularist1  
the ,liberal1 ,cope's ,tobacco ,plant1  
and other  periodicals4 ,shortly before 
his death he gained access to the       
,weekly  ,dispatch and the ,fortnightly 
,review4 ,his poems and essays were     
mostly  written before he tried to live 
by his pen4 ,four volumes of these have 
been published by ,reeves and ,turner1  
under the generous editorship of  ,mr4  
,bertram ,dobell1 who has prefixed a    
memoir to the last1 entitled 8,a  ,voice

 from the ,nile and ,other ,poems40     
,besides the five volumes of  ,thomson's
 writings now before the public1 there  
are many essays and  articles and a few 
poems still uncollected1 some of them of
 high value2  and many poems in         
manuscript1 unknown to all but a few    
privileged  friends4 ,mr4 ,dobell hopes 
to publish them all in time4 ,thomson's 
poetical reputation is1 however1 already
 established4 ,the best judges  give him
 the highest praise4 ,my own judgment   
assigns him the next place  to ,robert  
,browning4 ,of course it is no blasphemy
 to dispute my estimate2  but what      
prospect is there of reversing the      
common verdict of ,george  ,eliot1      
,george ,meredith1 ,swinburne1 and      
,rossetti8    ,mr4 ,dobell refers to the
 charm of ,thomson's manner in social   
intercourse4 ,his personal appearance   
told in his favor4 ,he was of the       
medium height1 well-built1 and active4  
,he possessed that striking             
characteristic sometimes found in mixed 

races--black hair and beard1 and        
grey-blue eyes4 ,the eyes were fine and 
wonderfully expressive4 ,they were  full
 of shifting light1 soft grey in some   
moods and deep blue in others4  ,they   
contained depth within depth2 and when  
he was moved by strong  passion they    
widened and flashed with magnetic power4
 ,when not suffering  from depression he
 was the life of the company4 ,he was   
the most  brilliant talker ,i ever met1 
and at home in all societies2 a fine    
companion in a day's walk1 and a shining
 figure at the festive table or  in the 
social drawing-room4 ,but you enjoyed   
his conversation most when  you sat with
 him alone1 taking occasional draughts  
of our national  beverage1 and          
constantly burning 8the divine weed40   
,thomson's sympathy with radical and    
revolutionary causes is not much        
noticed by ,mr4 ,dobell1 but it was very
 strong4 ,he was secretary for some     
time to the ,polish ,committee in       
,london1 and his glorious lines on 8,a  

,polish ,insurgent0 which ,i for one can
 never read without tears1 proves  that 
he might have written the noble songs   
that ,george ,eliot hoped he  would     
compose4 ,he sympathised with all       
self-sacrifice1 all lofty  aspiration1  
and in particular with all suffering4   
,this last emotion was  often betrayed  
by a look rather than expressed in      
words4 ,i vividly  remember being with  
him once on a popular holiday at the    
,alexandra  ,palace4 ,we were seated on 
the grass1 watching the shifting groups 
of  happy forms1 and exchanging         
appreciative or satirical remarks4      
,suddenly  ,i observed my companion's   
gaze fixed on a youth who limped by with
 a  pleasant smile on his face1 but too 
obviously beyond hope of ever  sharing  
in the full enjoyment of life4          
,thomson's eyes followed him until  he  
passed out of sight1 and the next moment
 our eyes met4 ,i shall never  forget   
the gentle sadness of that look1 its    
beautiful sympathy that  transcended    

speech1 and made all words poor4        
,thomson's life was a long tragedy4 ,he 
inherited from his father a fatal       
curse1 and in his youth he lost the     
beautiful girl to whom he was  engaged4 
,she was the object of his passionate   
adoration1 and allusions  to her often  
occur in his poems4 ,her image mingled  
with all the sombre  panoramas of ,love 
and ,death and ,grief that passed before
 the eyes of his  imagination4 ,yet ,i  
do not agree with ,mr4 ,dobell in       
regarding this  bereavement as the cause
 of his life-long misery4 ,she was1 ,i  
hold1  merely the peg on which he hung  
his raiment of sorrow2 without her1     
another object might have served the    
same purpose4 ,he carried within him    
his proper curse1 constitutional        
melancholia4 ,from long and careful     
observation ,i formed this conclusion1  
and it explains ,thomson's life and     
philosophy4 ,i would not dogmatise1     
however2 for the profundities and       
subtleties of the human heart baffle all

 calculation4 ,certitude is now         
impossible4 ,the seal of eternal silence
 is set on ,thomson's lips--8after      
life's fitful fever he sleeps well40 ,he
 is buried at ,highgate1 and his        
darling lies1 ,i suspect1 in an unknown 
grave4 ,death has at last united  them1 
but their love survives in the glory of 
immortal song4          ,,the ,,devil   
,,in ,,the ,,church ,,of ,,england      
7#ahgf47    ,the ,judicial ,committee of
 the ,privy ,council has delivered      
judgment in  the case of ,jenkins v4    
,cook4 ,many of the highest personages  
in the  realm1 including the ,archbishop
 of ,canterbury and the great law-lords1
  were present to give weight and       
solemnity to the decision1 which was    
read by the ,lord ,chancellor4 ,it was  
reported at full length in the  ,times  
of the following day1 ,feb4 #ag1 #ahgf1 
the length being two  columns of small  
print4    ,i must try to indicate       
briefly the main facts of the case1     
before  hazarding any comments on it4   

,mr4 ,jenkins1 of ,christ ,church1      
,clifton1  brought an action against his
 vicar1 the ,kev4 ,flavel ,s4 ,cook1 for
  refusing him the ,sacrament of the    
,holy ,communion4 ,mr4 ,cook justified  
the  refusal on the ground that ,mr4    
,jenkins did not believe in the ,devil1 
all  passages relating to the ,devil and
 evil spirits having been excluded  from
 a bulky volume published by ,mr4       
,jenkins1 entitled 8,selections from    
the ,old and ,new ,testaments40 ,by the 
evidence of ,mrs4 ,jenkins1 who         
attempted an amicable arrangement1 it   
appears that ,mr4 ,cook said to her3    
8,let ,mr4 ,jenkins write me a calm     
letter1 and say he believes in the      
,devil1 and ,i will give him the        
,sacrament40 ,whereupon ,mr4 ,jenkins   
wrote  on ,july #bj1 #ahgd3 8,with      
regard to my book1 #8,selections from   
the ,old and  ,new ,testaments1' the    
parts ,i have omitted1 and which has    
enabled me  meaning1 doubtless1 and the 
omission of which has enabled me to use 

the book morning and evening in my      
family are1 in their present  generally 
received sense1 quite incompatible with 
region or decency 7in  my opinion74 ,how
 such ideas have become connected with a
 book containing  everything that is    
necessary for a man to know1 ,i really  
cannot say2 ,i  can only sincerely      
regret it40 ,mr4 ,cook replied in       
effect3 8,then you  cannot be received  
at the ,lord's table in my church40 ,mr4
 ,jenkins1 a  regular communicant1 and  
admittedly a man of exemplary and devout
 life1  answered3 8,thinking as you do1 
,i do not see what other course you     
could  consistently have taken4 ,i      
shall1 nevertheless1 come to the ,lord's
 table  as usual at #8your' church1     
which is also mine40 ,accordingly he    
presented  himself1 and was repelled1   
whereupon he brought an action against  
,mr4  ,cook4    ,the case was first     
tried in the ,court of ,arches1 and the 
dean dismissed  the suit and condemned  
,mr4 ,jenkins in costs1 saying1 8,i am  

of opinion  that the avowed and         
persistent denial of the existence and  
personality  of the ,devil did1         
according to the law of the ,church1 as 
expressed in  her canons and rubrics1   
constitute the promoter ,mr4 ,jenkins   
#8an evil  liver1' and #8a depraver of  
the ,book of ,common ,prayer and        
,administration  of the ,sacraments1' in
 such sense as to warrant the defendant 
in  refusing to administer the ,holy    
,communion to him until he disavowed or 
withdrew his avowal of the heretical    
opinion1 and that the same              
consideration applies to the absolute   
denial by the promoter of the  doctrine 
of the eternity of punishment1 and1 of  
course1 still more to  the denial of all
 punishment for sin in a future state1  
which is the  legitimate consequence of 
his deliberate exclusion of the passages
 of  scripture referring to such        
punishment40    ,so far1 so well2 the   
,church of ,england was assured of the  
,devil and the  eternal punishment it   

has always held so dear4 ,but ,mr4      
,jenkins appealed  to the highest court1
 and this has reversed the decision of  
the lower1  admonished ,mr4 ,cook for   
his conduct in the past1 monished him to
 refrain  from the like offence in      
future1 and condemned him in the costs  
of both  suits4 ,do you think1 then1    
that the ,church of ,england is         
authoritatively  deprived of her dear   
,devil and her beloved eternal          
punishment8 ,not at  all2 the really    
important problem is evaded with        
consummate lawyerlike  wariness2 the    
points in dispute are most shiftily     
shifted like slides of  a magic lantern2
 we have a new decision essentially     
unrelated to that  which it cancels2 we 
have a judgment which concerns not the  
,devil--except  that he would chuckle   
over the too clever unwisdom which      
fancies it can  extinguish 8burning     
questions0 with legal wigs4    ,their   
most learned lordships in the first     
place observe that the learned  judge of

 the ,court of ,arches appears to have  
considered that the canon  and the      
rubric severally warrant the repulsion  
from the ,lord's table of  8an evil     
liver10 and 8a depraver of the ,book of 
,common ,prayer10 whereas  the terms are
 8an open and notorious evil liver10 and
 8common and  notorious depravers40     
,this is a most pregnant distinction1   
teaching us  that an evil liver and a   
depraver of the said book1 as long as he
 is not  notoriously such1 is fully     
entitled to the ,holy ,communion1 fully 
entitled to the privilege of 8eating and
 drinking damnation to himself80  a     
privilege from which the notorious evil 
liver and depraver is  righteously      
debarred4    ,now1 their most learned   
lordships find that there is absolutely 
no  evidence that the appellant was an  
evil liver1 much less an open and       
notorious evil liver4 ,the ,question    
follows1 ,was he a common and  notorious
 depraver of the ,book of ,common       
,prayer8 ,it was contended that  the    

,selections1 coupled with the letter of 
,july #bj1 proved him to be  this4 ,but 
the letter was not written              
spontaneously4 ,he was invited by  the  
respondent1 ,mr4 ,cook1 to write it4 ,it
 was a friendly and private1 as  well as
 a solicited1 communication4 ,therefore1
 whatever be the  construction of the   
letter1 and even if there be in it a    
depravation of  the ,book of ,common    
,prayer1 still it would be impossible to
 hold that the  writing of such a letter
 in such circumstances could make the   
appellant  8a common and notorious      
depraver40 ,whence it is clear that a   
man may  deprave the ,book of ,common   
,prayer as much as he pleases in private
  conversation and letters1 yet retain  
the precious privilege of 8eating  and  
drinking damnation to himself0 in the   
,holy ,communion2 he can only  forfeit  
this by common and notorious depravation
 of that blessed  book--for instance1 by
 a depravation repeatedly published in a
 newspaper1  or persistently proclaimed 

by the town-crier4    ,so far the law   
seems most clear1 and the judgment quite
 incontestible4  ,but leaving the strait
 limits of the law1 and looking at the  
facts in  evidence1 there is one part of
 the judgment which to the common lay   
mind  is simply astonishing4 ,their most
 learned lordships 8desire to state in  
the most emphatic manner that there is  
not before them any evidence that  the  
appellant entertains the doctrines      
attributed to him by the ,dean of       
,arches20 wherefore their most learned  
and subtle lordships 8do not mean  to   
decide that those doctrines are         
otherwise than inconsistent with the    
formularies of the ,church of ,england40
 ,nor1 of course1 do they mean to       
decide that those doctrines are         
inconsistent with1 those formularies4   
,no1 8,this is not the subject for their
 lordships' present  consideration40    
,indeed1 8,if they were had been called 
upon to decide  that whether those      
opinions1 or any of them1 could be      

entertained or  expressed by a member of
 the ,church1 whether layman or         
clergyman1  consistently with the law   
and with his remaining in communion with
 the  ,church1 they would have looked   
upon this case with much greater anxiety
  than they now feel in its decision40  
,mr4 ,jenkins compiles and publishes a  
book of 8,selections from the  ,bible10 
carefully excluding all passages        
relating to the ,devil and evil         
spirits4 ,the book is bulky2 and1 in    
fact1 though this is not expressly      
stated1 seems to contain pretty well all
 the ,bible except such passages4  ,he  
further exhibits in the case a book of  
selections from the liturgy of  the     
,church of ,england1 apparently compiled
 on the same principle of  exclusion44  
,mr4 ,cook sends through ,mrs4 ,j4 a    
message3 8,let ,mr4 ,j4 write  me a calm
 letter1 and say he believes in the     
,devil1 and ,i will give him  the       
,sacrament40 ,mr4 ,j4 replies1 as we    
have seen1 that the parts he has        

omitted are1 in his opinion1 quite      
incompatible with religion or  decency1 
in their generally received sense2 such 
generally received  sense being         
evidently 7to all of us save their most 
learned and subtle  lordships7 that in  
which the ,church of ,england receives  
them4 ,mr4 ,c4  replies1 8,then ,i must 
refuse you the ,communion40 ,mr4 ,j4    
answers1  8,thinking as you do1 ,i do   
not see what other course you could     
con-4  sistently have taken20 and       
resolves to test the question of        
legality4  ,with these facts staring    
them in the face1 their most learned and
 most  subtle lordships can1 with the   
utmost solemnity1 and in the most       
emphatic manner1 declare that there is  
not any evidence before them that  ,mr4 
,jenkins does not believe in the ,devil 
in the common ,church of  ,england      
sense6 ,what the eyes of laymen1 however
 purblind1 cannot help  seeing clearly1 
their far-sighted lordships1 putting on 
legal  spectacles1 dim with the dust of 

many ages1 manage not to discern at     
all4    ,the question cannot be left    
thus undecided4 ,as matters stand1 the  
poor  ,church does not know whether1    
legally1 it has a ,devil or not4 ,its   
,devil1  its dear and precious old      
,devil1 is in a state of suspended      
animation1  neither dead nor alive2 a   
most inefficient and burdensome ,devil4 
,he must  either be restored to full    
health and vigor1 or buried away        
decently for  ever2 decently and        
solemnly1 the ,archbishop of            
,canterbury1 in the  presence of all    
their lordships of the ,judicial        
,committee of the ,privy  ,council1     
reading the appropriate ,church service 
over his grave4 ,that  would be touching
 and impressive6--8,forasmuch as it hath
 pleased ,almighty  ,god 7with the      
sanction and authority of the ,judicial 
,committee of the  ,privy ,council7 of  
his great mercy to take unto himself the
 soul of our  dear brother here         
departed1 we therefore commit his body  

to the ground2  earth to earth1 ashes to
 ashes1 dust to dust2 in sure and       
certain hope  of the resurrection to    
eternal life1 through our ,lord ,jesus  
,christ40 ,at  present it appears that  
every clergyman and layman in the       
,church has the  legal right to sing as 
a solo in private1 especially if        
solicited1  ,beranger's refrain1 8,the  
,devil is dead6 ,the ,devil is dead60   
while it  is doubtful whether he is at  
liberty to chant it publicly and in     
chorus--a state of things anomalous     
beyond even the normal anomalism of  all
 things in this our happy ,england4 ,it 
is urgent that some one1 lay or  cleric1
 should compel the decision which the   
suit of ,mr4 ,jenkins has  failed to    
obtain4    ,in considering the question 
whether disbelief in the ,devil would   
8deprave0 the ,prayer ,book1 we must    
refer to this book itself4 ,it  contains
 three creeds--the ,apostles'1 the      
,nicene1 and that called of             
,athanasius4 ,of these the ,nicene 7the 

creed in the ,communion ,service1 by    
the way7 mentions neither the ,devil nor
 ,hell2 the ,apostles' and the          
so-called ,athanasian mention hell but  
not the ,devil4 ,in ,no4 ,,iii4 of the  
,thirty-nine ,articles hell is solidly  
established1 but again there is no      
mention of the ,devil4 ,it may be argued
 that hell implies the ,devil1 as a     
fox-hole implies a fox2 but his         
existence is not authoritatively        
averred4 ,strangely enough1 the only    
personage who1 according to the  creeds 
and articles1 has certainly been in     
hell1 is ,jesus ,christ  himself3 8,he  
descended into hell2 the third day he   
rose again from the  dead2 he ascended  
into heaven40 ,what took him to hell8   
,the ,prayer ,book  does not inform us4 
,but we learn from the ,epistle called  
#a ,peter1 chap4  iii41 #ai1 #bj1 and   
chap4 iv41 #f3 8,by which also he went  
and preached unto  the spirits in       
prison1 which sometime were disobedient1
 when once the  long-suffering of ,god  

waited in the days of ,noah1 while the  
ark was a  preparing1 wherein few1 that 
is eight souls1 were saved by water4444 
,for  this cause was the gospel preached
 also to them that are dead1 that they  
might be judged according to men in the 
flesh1 but live according to ,god  in   
the spirit40 ,whence it appears that the
 spirits in prison were not  the ,devil 
and his angels1 but the spirits of those
 who were drowned in  the ,flood for    
disobedience2 and it furthermore appears
 that these  spirits were saved by the  
preaching of ,christ2 so that in this   
famous  harrying of hell1 he seems to   
have left it as empty as the            
mosstroopers  in their forays left      
farmsteads4 ,it is true that ,no4 ,,vi4 
of the ,articles  settles the canon of  
the ,old and ,new ,testaments1 and that 
anyone daring  to exclude from belief   
anything in this canon might be         
convicted of  depraving the ,prayer     
,book4 ,but in that case all the best   
scholars and  divines of the ,church are

 guilty of this dreadful sin2 and not   
only  guilty1 but openly1 commonly and  
notoriously guilty3 and therefore all   
merit repulsion from the ,lord's table4 
,let the truly faithful clergy1  those  
who believe all without question or     
distinction1 do their duty to  the      
,articles of religion of their ,church  
7the ,creeds1 as ,i have pointed  out1  
are neutral71 and they will shut out    
from their ,communion nearly  all the   
intelligent piety and learning which    
lend it whatever dignity it  still      
retains4 ,granted the canon in its      
integrity1 and the existence of  a      
personal ,devil1 and the doctrine of    
eternal punishment cannot be  fairly    
disputed4 ,without multiplying texts1 ,i
 may refer to ,revelation1  chap4 xx41  
as decisive on these points4    ,from   
these considerations it follows that if 
the ,church of ,england is  bound by her
 own articles she will hold fast to the 
,devil and hell1 and  deny the privilege
 of her ,communion to any one who       

depraves the  ,prayer-,book by common   
and notorious disbelief in them4 ,and   
for my own  part1 ,i do not see how the 
,church could get on at all without a   
,devil  and hell1 especially in         
competition with the other ,christian   
sects1  which make unlimited use of     
both4 ,the ,devil is in fact as         
essential to  the ,christian schemes as 
a leader of the opposition to that great
  political blessing1 government by     
party4 ,if he were to die1 or be        
deposed1 it would be necessary to elect 
another to the vacant dignity4  ,you    
cannot put the leadership in commission 
as the unfortunate ,liberals  were      
taunted with doing1 in their            
demoralisation after their disasters  of
 the ,general ,election and ,mr4        
,gladstone's sudden retirement4 ,just as
  ,mr4 ,disraeli lamented the withdrawal
 of ,mr4 ,gladstone1 complaining of  the
 embarrassment caused to the ,government
 by having no responsible  leader       
opposed to it1 so we can imagine dear   

,god lamenting the absence  of a ,devil1
 and declaring that the ,christian      
scheme could not work well  without one4
 ,his utter loss would make the         
government of the world  retrograde from
 an admirably balanced constitutional   
monarchy to a mere  ,oriental absolute  
despotism4 ,you must choose some one to 
lead1 if only  in name and for the time1
 as the ,whigs chose ,lord ,hartington4 
,but though  ,lord ,hartington is still 
tolerated by us ,english1 a ,lord       
,hartington of a  ,devil1 be it said    
with all respect to both his lordship   
and his  ,devil-ship1 would scarcely be 
tolerated by either the celestial or the
  infernal benches4    ,in ,beranger's  
authentic record1 already alluded to1 of
 8,the ,death of the  ,devil0--which1   
however1 relates only to the ,church of 
,rome--we read how1  on learning the    
catastrophe3--        8,the conclave    
shook with mortal fear2      ,power and 
cashbox1 adieu6 they said2      ,we have
 lost our father dear1      ,the ,devil 

is dead6 the ,devil is dead60    ,but   
while they they were in this passion of 
grief and despair1 ,st4  ,ignatius      
offered to take the place of the dead   
,devil2 and none could  doubt that he   
with his ,jesuits for imps would prove a
 most efficient  substitute4 ,wherefore 
the ,church threw off its sorrow and    
welcomed his  offer with most holy      
rapture3--        8,noble fellow6 cried 
all the court1      ,we bless thee for  
thy malice and hate4      ,and at once  
his ,order1 ,rome's support1      ,saw  
its robe flutter ,heaven's gate4        
,from the angel's tears of pity fell3   
,poor man will have cause to rue1 they  
said2      ,st4 ,ignatius inherits      
,hell4      ,the ,devil is dead6 the    
,devil is dead60    ,thus matters       
continued well for the ,church of ,rome1
 and1 in fact1 became  even better than 
before4 ,but if the ,devil should die in
 the ,church of  ,england1 whom has she 
that could efficiently take his place8  
,she has no  saints except the disciples

 and apostles of the ,new ,testament1   
and these  have long since gone to      
glory4 ,would ,mr4 ,gladstone undertake 
the office8  or ,mr4 ,beresford ,hope1  
with the ,saturday ,review for his      
infernal  gazette8 or the editor of the 
,rock8 or he of the ,church ,times8 or  
the man who does religion for the ,daily
 ,telegraph8 ,each of these             
distinguished gentlemen might well      
eagerly accept the candidature or a     
post so lofty3 but ,i fear that none of 
them could be considered equal to  its  
functions4 ,perhaps ,mr4 ,disraeli has  
the requisite genius1 and  probably he  
would be very glad to exchange the      
,premiership of little  ,england for    
that of large hell3 but unfortunately he
 has already  committed himself to the  
side of the angels1 meaning by angels   
the  humdrum ,tory angels of            
heaven--for1 as ,dr4 ,johnson said1 the 
,devil was  the first ,whig4 ,on the    
whole1 the ,church of ,england had      
better keep  loyal to its ancient and   

venerable ,devil1 being too impoverished
 in  intellect and character to supply a
 worthy successor4    ,i have ventured  
to compare the government of the world  
in the ,christian  scheme1 by a ,god and
 a ,devil1 with our own felicitous      
government by  party4 ,there is1        
however1 or rather there appears to be1 
a striking  difference between the two4 
,in our government1 when the ,prime     
,minister  finds himself decidedly in a 
minority1 he goes out of office1 and the
  ,leader of the ,opposition goes in2 in
 the ,government of the ,world the      
,leader of the ,opposition seems to have
 always had an immense majority  7and   
his majority in these days is probably  
larger than ever before1  seeing that   
sceptics and infidels have multiplied   
exceedingly71 yet the  other side is    
supposed to retain permanent possession 
of office4 ,i say  8supposed10 because  
the ,bible itself suggests that this    
popular opinion  is a mistake1 the      
,devil 7if there be a ,devil7 being     

entitled by it the  prince of this      
world1 which surely implies his         
accession to power4    ,although the    
,godhead or governing power of the      
world1 according to the  ,christian     
scheme1 is usually spoken and written of
 as a trinity1 it is1  in fact1         
quarterary or fourfold for ,protestants1
 and quinary or fivefold  for ,roman    
,catholics4 ,the former have ,god the   
,father1 ,god the ,son1 ,god  the ,holy 
,ghost1 and ,god the ,devil2 the latter 
supplement these with  ,goddess the     
,virgin ,mary4 ,both formally           
acknowledge the first three as          
collectively and severally almighty1 but
 ,protestants implicitly  acknowledge   
the fourth1 and ,roman ,catholics the   
fifth1 as more almighty  still 7these   
solecisms of dogma cannot be expressed  
without solecisms of  language74 ,with  
the ,roman ,catholics ,i am not         
concerned here4 ,with regard  to the    
,protestants1 and those especially      
professing the ,protestantism of  the   

,church of ,england1 ,i may safely      
affirm that the ,devil is not less      
essential to their theology than is any 
person of the ,trinity1 or1 in  fact1   
than are the three persons together4    
,indeed1 the ,father and the  ,holy     
,ghost have been practically dispensed  
with1 leaving ,christ and  ,satan to    
fight the battle out between themselves4
    ,as this is a gloriously scientific 
age1 nobly enamored of the exact        
sciences1 ,i will endeavor to expound   
this sublime subject of the  divinity of
 the ,church of ,england mathematically1
 even after the manner  of the divine   
,plato in ,book ,,viii4 of 8,the        
,republic10 treating of divine  and     
human generation2 and in the 8,timus10  
treating of the creation of  the        
universal soul4 ,his demonstrations1    
indeed1 are so divinely obscure  as to  
confound all the scholiasts2 my         
demonstration1 however1 shall be  so    
translucent that even the most learned  
and subtle lords of the  ,judicial      

,committee of the ,privy ,council1 with 
their legal spectacles on1  shall not be
 able to help seeing through it4 ,and   
whereas the figures1  which are shapes1 
are more intelligible to most people    
than the figures  which are numbers1 let
 the exposition be geometrical4 ,we will
 say1 then1  that the ,church of old    
conceived the divinity in the form of an
  equilateral triangle1 whereof the base
 was ,christ as the whole system  was   
founded on belief in the ,lord ,jesus   
,christ1 and the ,father and the  ,holy 
,ghost were the two sides1 leaning each 
on the other2 and the ,devil  was the   
apex1 as opposed to1 and farthest from1 
our blessed ,savior4 ,but  in course of 
time the theologians 7perhaps merely    
wanting some  occupation for their      
vigorous talents1 perhaps deeming it    
undignified to  have two persons of the 
godhead supporting each other obliquely 
like a  couple of tipsy men1 perhaps    
simply in order to make matters square7 
set  to work1 and pushed up the two     

sides1 so that each might stand firm and
  perpendicular by itself4 ,this process
 had two unforeseen results2 it         
expanded the apex1 which was a very     
elastic point1 so that it became the    
crowning side of the square1 and it so  
unhinged the sides that after a  brief  
upright existence they lost their       
balance1 and were carried to  ,limbo by 
the first wind of strange doctrine which
 blew that way2 and the  ,devil and     
,christ1 or ,christ and the ,devil      
7arrange the precedence as you  please71
 were left alone confronting each other4
 ,these two are of course  equal and    
parallel1 the main distinction between  
them being that ,christ  is below1 and  
the ,devil above1 or1 in other words1   
that the ,devil is  superior and ,christ
 inferior 7the ,devil seems entitled to 
the  precedence74 ,thus matters have    
continued even to the present time1 the 
divinity showing itself1 as we may say1 
without form and void2 and we  are free 
to speculate on the momentous questions3

 ,will the crown 7which  is the ,devil7 
fall into the base 7which is ,christ78  
,will the base float  up into the crown8
 ,will the two coalesce half way8 ,will 
they both1  unknit from their sides1 be 
carried away to ,limbo by some blast of 
strange doctrine8 ,one thing is certain1
 they cannot long remain as they  are4  
,rare ,ben ,jonson chanted the ,trinity1
 or ,equilateral ,triangle2 rare  ,walt 
,whitman has chanted the ,square ,deific
 7with ,satan for the fourth  side72 no 
poet can care to chant the two straight 
lines which1 in the  language of        
,euclid1 and in the region of           
intelligence1 cannot enclose a  space1  
but are as a magnified symbol of        
equal--to nothing4    ,p4 ,s4--,it may  
be appropriately added that the books of
 ,euclid are really  symbolic and       
prophetic expositions of most sublime   
and sacrosanct  mysteries1 though in    
these days few persons seem aware of the
 fact4 ,thus  the very first definition1
 8,a point is position without          

magnitude10  exactly defines every point
 of difference between the theologians4 
,so a  line1 which is as the            
prolongation of a point1 or length      
without  breadth1 represents in one     
sense 7for each symbol has manifold     
meanings7  the history of any           
theological system4 ,an acute angle is1 
say1 ,professor  ,clifford2 an obtuse   
angle1 ,mr4 ,whalley2 a right angle1 the
 present  writer3 non angeli sed ,angli4
 ,the first proposition1 8,to erect an  
equilateral triangle upon a given finite
 straight line10 indicates the  problem 
solved by ,christianity1 when it erected
 the ,trinity on the basis  of the man  
we call ,jesus4 ,this pregnant subject  
should be worked out in  detail through 
the whole eight books4                  
,,religion ,,in ,,the ,,rocky           
,,mountains      ,top of ,pike's ,peak1 
,march #dth1 #ahgc4    ,honored with    
your special commission1 ,i at once     
hurried across to  ,denver1 and thence  
still westward until ,i found myself    

among the big  vertebrae of this longish
 backbone of ,america4 ,i have wandered 
to and  fro among the new cities1 the   
advanced camps of civilisation1 always  
carefully reticent as to my mission1    
always carefully inquiring into the     
state of religion both in doctrine and  
practice4 ,you were so hopeful  that    
high ,freethought would be found        
revelling triumphant in these high  free
 regions1 that ,i fear you will be      
acutely pained by this my true  report4 
,churches and chapels of all kinds      
abound--,episcopalian1 ,methodist       
,episcopal 7for the ,methodists here    
have bishops71 ,presbyterian1 ,baptist1 
,congregational1 ,roman ,catholic1 etc4 
,zeal inflaming my courage1 three  and  
even four times have ,i ventured into a 
church1 each time enduring  the whole   
service2 and if ,i have not ventured    
oftener1 certainly ,i had  more than    
sufficient cause to abstain4 ,for as ,i 
suffered in my few  visits to churches  
in your ,england1 so ,i suffered here2  

and such  sufferings are too dreadful to
 be frequently encountered1 even by the 
bravest of the brave4 ,whether my       
sensations in church are similar to     
those of others1 or are peculiar to     
myself1 ,i cannot be sure2 but ,i am    
quite sure that they are excruciating4  
,on first entering ,i may feel  calm1   
wakeful1 sane1 and not uncomfortable1   
except that here ,i rather  regret being
 shut in from the pure air and splendid 
sky1 and in ,england  rather regret     
having come out through the raw1 damp   
murk1 and in both  regret that          
civilisation has not yet established    
smoking-pews2 but the  ,church is always
 behind the age4 ,it is pleasant for    
awhile to note the  well-dressed people 
seated or entering2 the men with        
unctuous hair and  somewhat wooden      
decorum2 the women floating more at     
ease1 suavely  conscious of their fine  
inward and outward adornments4 ,it is   
pleasant to  keep a hopeful look-out for
 some one of more than common beauty or 

grace1 and to watch such a one if       
discovered4 ,as the service begins1 and 
the old1 old words and phrases come     
floating around me1 ,i am lulled into   
quaint dream-memories of childhood2 the 
long unthought-of school-mates1  the    
surreptitious sweetstuff1 the manifold  
tricks and smothered  laughter1 by whose
 aid 7together with total inattention to
 the service1  except to mark and learn 
the text7 one managed to survive the    
ordeal4  ,the singing also is pleasant1 
and lulls me into vaguer dreams4        
,gradually1 as the service proceeds1 ,i 
become more drowsy2 my small  faculties 
are drugged into quiet slumber1 they    
feel themselves off duty1  there is     
nothing for which they need keep awake4 
,but1 with the  commencement of the     
sermon1 new and alarming symptoms arise 
within me1  growing ever worse and worse
 until the close4 ,pleasure departs with
  tranquility1 the irritation of revolt 
and passive helplessness is acute4  ,i  
cannot find relief in toffy1 or in fun  

with my neighbors1 as when ,i  was a    
happy child4 ,the old stereotyped       
phrases1 the immemorial  platitudes1 the
 often-killed sophistries that never    
die1 come buzzing  and droning about me 
like a sluggish swarm of wasps1 whose   
slow  deliberate stinging is more hard  
to bear than the quick keen stinging of 
anger4 ,then the wasps1 penetrating     
through my ears1 swarm inside me2  there
 is a horrid buzzing in my brain1 a     
portentous humming in my  breast2 my    
small faculties are speedily routed1 and
 disperse in blind  anguish1 the        
implacable wasps droning out and away   
after them1 and ,i am  left void1 void2 
with hollow skull1 empty heart1 and a   
mortal sinking of  stomach2 my whole    
being is but a thin shell charged with  
vacuity and  desperate craving2 ,i      
expect every instant to collapse or     
explode4 ,it is  but too certain that if
 anyone should then come to lead me off 
to an  asylum for idiots1 or a ,young   
,men's ,christian ,association1 or any  

similar institution1 ,i could not utter 
a single rational word to save  myself4 
,and though all my faculties have left  
me1 ,i cannot attempt to  leave the     
church2 decorum1 rigid and frigid1      
freezes me to my seat2 ,i  stare stonily
 in unimaginable torture1 feebly        
wondering whether the  sermon will      
outlast my sanity1 or my sanity outlast 
the sermon4 ,when at  length released1  
,i am so utterly demoralised that ,i can
 but smoke  furiously1 pour much beer   
and cram much dinner into my hollowness1
 and  so with swinish dozing hope to    
feel better by tea-time4 ,now1 though in
  order to fulfil the great duties you  
entrust to me1 ,i have cheerfully  dared
 the ,atlantic1 and spent long days and 
perilous nights in railroad  cars1 and  
would of course 7were it indeed         
necessary7 face unappalled  mere        
physical death and destruction1 ,i      
really could not go on risking1  with   
the certainty of ere long losing1 my    
whole small stock of brains2  especially

 as the loss of these would probably    
rather hinder than  further the         
performance of the said duties4 ,for    
suppose me reduced to  permanent idiocy 
by church-going1 become a mere brazen   
hollowness with a  riotous tongue like  
,cowper's church-going bell2 is it not  
most likely  that ,i would then turn    
true believer1 renouncing and denouncing
 your  noble commission1 even as you    
would renounce and denounce your        
imbecile  commissioner8    ,finding that
 ,i could not pursue my inquiries in the
 churches and  chapels1 ,i was much     
grieved and perplexed1 until one of     
those thoughts  occurred to me which are
 always welcome and persuasive1 because 
in exact  agreement with our own desires
 or necessities4 ,i thought of what ,i  
had  remarked when visiting your        
,england3 how the churches and chapels  
and  lecture-halls1 each sect thundering
 more or less terribly against all  the 
others1 made one guess that the people  
were more disputatious than  pious2 how 

one became convinced1 in spite of his   
infidel reluctance1  that the people    
were indeed1 as a rule1 thoroughly and  
genuinely  religious1 by mingling freely
 with them in their common daily and    
nightly life4 ,i asked myself1 ,what    
really proved to me the pervading       
,christianity of ,england8 the sermons1 
the tracts1 the clerical lectures1  the 
missionary meetings8 the cathedrals and 
other theatres and  music-halls crowded 
with worshippers on ,sunday1 while the  
museums and  other public-houses were   
empty and shut8 ,no1 scarcely these     
things2 but  the grand princeliness of  
the princes1 the true nobleness of the  
nobles1  the lowliness of the bishops1  
the sanctity of the clergy1 the honesty 
of  the merchants1 the veracity of the  
shopkeepers1 the sobriety and thrift  of
 the artisans1 the independence and     
intelligence of the rustics2 the        
general faith and hope and love which   
brightened the sunless days1 the        
general temperance and chastity which   

made beautiful the sombre nights2  the  
almost universal abhorrence of the      
world1 the flesh1 and the ,devil2  the  
almost universal devotion to heaven1 the
 spirit1 and ,god4    ,i thereupon      
determined to study the religion out    
here1 even as ,i had  studied it in     
,england1 in the ordinary public and    
private life of the  people2 and you    
will doubtless be sorely afflicted to   
learn that ,i have  found everywhere    
much the same signs of genuine1         
practical ,christianity  as are so      
common and patent in the old country4   
,the ranchmen have sown  the good seed1 
and shall reap the harvest of heavenly  
felicity2 the  stockmen will surely be  
corraled with the sheep1 and not among  
the  goats1 at the last day2 not to gain
 the whole world would the  storekeepers
 lose their own souls2 the pioneers have
 found the narrow  way which leadeth    
unto life2 the fishermen are true       
disciples1 the  trappers catch ,satan in
 his own snares1 the hunters are mighty 

before  the ,lord2 bright are the       
celestial prospects of the prospectors1 
ana the  miners are all stoping-out that
 hidden treasure which is richer than   
silver and much fine gold4 ,as compared 
with the ,english1 these ,western  men  
are perchance inferior in two important 
points of ,christian  sentiment3 they   
probably do not fear ,god1 being little 
given to fear  anyone2 they certainly do
 not honor the king1 perhaps because    
they  unfortunately have none to honor4 
,on the other hand1 as ,i have been     
assured by many persons from the ,states
 and the old country1 they are  even    
superior to the ,english in one         
important point of ,christian  conduct4 
,christ has promised that in discharging
 the damned to hell at  the day of      
judgment1 he will fling at them this    
among other reproaches1  8,i was a      
stranger1 and ye took me not in10 and   
this particular rebuke  seems to have   
wrought a peculiarly deep impression in 
these men1 perhaps  because they have   

much more to do with strangers than have
 people in old  settled countries1 so   
much1 indeed1 that the word 8stranger0  
is  continually in their mouths4 ,the   
result is 7as the said persons from     
,england and the ,states have often     
solemnly assured me7 that any and  every
 stranger arriving in these regions is  
most thoroughly1 most  beautifully1 most
 religiously taken in4 ,so that should  
any of these fine  fellows by evil hap  
be among the accursed multitude whom    
,christ thus  addresses1 they will      
undoubtedly retort in their frank       
fashion of  speech3 8,wall1 boss1 it may
 be right to give us hell on other      
counts1  but you say you was a stranger 
and we didn't take you in4 ,what we want
  to know is1 ,did you ever come to our 
parts to trade in mines or stock or     
sich8 ,if you didn't1 how the ,devil    
could we take you in8 if you  did1 it's 
a darned lie1 and an insult to our      
understanding to say we  didn't40       
,but though the practical life out here 

is so veritably ,christian1 you  still  
hope that at any rate the creeds and    
doctrines are considerably  heterodox4  
,i am sincerely sorry to be obliged to  
destroy this hope4 ,in  the ordinary    
talk of the men continually recur the   
same or almost the  same expressions and
 implications of orthodox belief1 as are
 so common  in your ,england1 and       
throughout ,christendom4 ,why such      
formulas are  generally used by men     
only1 ,i have often been puzzled to     
explain3 it may  be that the women1 who 
in all lands attend divine service much 
more than  do the men1 find ample       
expression of their faith in the set    
times and  places of public worship and 
private prayer2 while the men1 less     
methodical1 and demanding liberal scope1
 give it robust utterance  whenever and 
wherever they choose4 ,these formulas1  
as you must have  often remarked1 are   
most weighty and energetic2 they avouch 
and avow the  supreme personages and    
mysteries and dogmas of their religion2 

they are  usually but brief             
ejaculations1 in strong contrast to     
those long prayers  of the ,pharisees   
which ,jesus laughed to scorn2 and they 
are often so  superfluous as regards the
 mere worldly meaning of the sentences  
in  which they appear1 that it is       
evident they have been interjected      
simply  to satisfy the pious ardor of   
the speaker1 burning to proclaim in     
season  and out of season the cardinal  
principles of his faith4 ,i say speaker1
  and not writer1 because writing1 being
 comparatively cold and  deliberate1    
seldom flames out in these sharp swift  
flashes1 that leap  from living lips    
touched with coals of fire from the     
altar47#a7        #a4 ,is it not time   
that we wrote such words as this damn at
 full      length1 as did ,emily ,bront1
 the ,titaness1 whom ,charlotte justly  
indicates in this as in other respects2 
instead of putting only      initial and
 final letters1 with a hypocritical     
fig-leaf dash in      the middle1       

drawing particular attention to what it 
affects to      conceal8 ,these words   
are in all men's mouths1 and many of    
them      are emphatically the leading  
words of the ,bible4    ,i am aware that
 these fervid ejaculations are apt to be
 regarded by the  light-minded as       
trivial1 by the cold-hearted as         
indecorous1 by the  sanctimonious as    
even profane2 but to the true           
philosopher1 whether he  be religious or
 not1 they are pregnant with grave      
significance4 ,for do  not these        
irrepressible utterances burst forth    
from the very depths of  the profound   
heart of the people8 ,are they not just 
as spontaneous and  universal as is the 
belief in ,god itself8 ,are they not    
among the most  genuine and impassioned 
words of mankind8 ,have they not a      
primordial  vigor and vitality8 ,are    
they not supremely of that voice of the 
people  which has been well called the  
voice of ,god8 ,thus when your          
,englishman  instead of 8,strange60 says

 8,the ,devil60 instead of 8,wonderful60
 cries  8,good ,heavens60 instead of    
8,how startling60 exclaims 8,o ,christ60
 he does  more than merely express his  
emotions1 his surprise1 his wonder1 his 
amaze2 he hallows it to the assertion of
 his belief in ,satan1 in the  good     
kingdom of ,god1 in ,jesus2 and1        
moreover1 by the emotional gradation    
ranks with perfect accuracy the ,devil  
lowest in the scale1 the heavens        
higher1 ,christ the loftiest4 ,when     
another shouts 8,god damn you607#a7 he  
not only condemns the evil of the person
 addressed2 he also takes  occasion to  
avow his own strong faith in ,god and   
,god's judgment of  sinners4 ,similarly 
8,god bless you60 implies that there is 
a ,god1 and  that from him all blessings
 flow4 ,how vividly does the vulgar     
hyperbole  8,infernally hot10 prove the 
general belief in hell-fire6 ,and the   
phrase  8,god knows60 not merely        
declares that the subject is beyond     
human  knowledge1 but also that an      

all-wise ,god exists4 ,here in the      
,west1 as  before stated1 such brief    
expressions of faith1 which are so much 
more  sincere than long formularies     
repeated by rote in church1 are quite as
  common as in your ,england4 ,when one 
has sharply rebuked or punished         
another1 he says 8,i gave him hell40    
,and that this belief in future         
punishment pervades all classes is      
proved by the fact that even a  profane 
editor speaks of it as a matter of      
course4 ,for the thermometer  having    
been stolen from his sanctum1 the said  
worthy editor announced  that the mean  
cuss who took it might as well bring or 
send it back 7no  questions asked7 for  
it could not be of any use to him in the
 place he  was going to1 as it only     
registered up to #bab degrees4 ,the old 
notion  that hell or ,hades is located  
in the middle of the earth 7which may   
have  a scientific solution in the      
,plutonic theory that we dwell on the   
crust  of a baked dumpling full of      

fusion and confusion7 is obviously      
tallied  by the miner's assertion that  
his vein was true-fissure1 reaching from
  the grass-roots down to hell4 ,the    
frequent phrase 8,a ,god-damned liar10  
8,a ,god-damned thief10 recognise ,god  
as the punisher of the wicked4 ,i  have 
heard a man complain of an ungodly      
headache1 implying first1 the  existence
 of ,god1 and secondly1 the fact that   
the ,godhead does not ache1  or in other
 words is perfect4 ,countless other     
phrases of this kind might  be alleged1 
a few of them astonishingly vigorous and
 racy1 for new  countries breed lusty   
new forms of speech2 but the few already
 given  suffice for my present purpose4 
,one remarkable comparison1 however1 ,i 
cannot pass over without a word3 it is  
common to say of a man who has  too much
 self-esteem1 ,he thinks himself a      
little tin ,jesus on wheels4 ,it  is    
clear that some profound suggestion1    
some sacrosanct mystery1 must  underlie 
this bold locution2 but what ,i have    

been hitherto unable to  find out4 ,the 
connexion between ,jesus and tin may    
seem obvious to such  as know anything  
of bishops and pluralists1 pious bankers
 and traders4  ,but what about the      
wheels8 ,have they any relation to the  
opening chapter  of ,ezekiel8 ,it is    
much to be wished that ,max ,mller1 and 
all other such  great scholars1 who 7as 
,i am informed1 for it's not ,i that    
would presume  to study them myself7    
manage to extract whatever noble        
mythological  meanings they want1 from  
unintelligible ,oriental metaphors and  
broken  phrases many thousand years old1
 would give a few years of their        
superfluous time to the interpretation  
of this holy riddle4 ,do not1           
gentleman1 do not by all that is        
mysterious1 leave it to the scholars of 
millenniums to come2 proceed to probe   
and analyse and turn it inside out  at  
once1 while it is still young and       
flourishing1 while the genius who       
invented it is still probably alive1 if 

he deceased not in his boots1 as        
decease so many gallant pioneers4       
,and here1 before afflicting you        
further1 ,o much-enduring editor1 let me
  soothe you a little by stating that   
some particles of heresy1 some few      
heretics1 are to be found even here4 ,i 
have learned that into a very  good and 
respectable bookstore in a city of these
 regions1 certain  copies of ,taylor's  
8,diegesis0 have penetrated1 who can say
 how8 and that  some of these have been 
sold4 ,a living judge has been heard to 
declare  that he couldn't believe at all
 in the ,holy ,ghost outfit4 ,it has    
also  been told me of a man who must    
have held strange opinions as to the    
offspring of ,god the ,father1 though   
certainly this man was not a            
representative pioneer1 being but a     
,german miner1 fresh from the ,states4  
,this ,dutchman 7all ,germans here are  
,dutch1 doubtless from ,deutsche1  the  
special claims of the ,hollanders being 
ignored7 was asked solemnly  by a       

clergyman1 8,who died to save sinners80 
and answered 8,gott40 8,what10  said the
 pained and pious pastor1 8don't you    
know that it was ,jesus the  ,son of    
,god80 8,ah10 returned placidly the     
,dutchman1 8it vass one of te  boys1    
vass it8 ,i always dought it vass te olt
 man himselben40 ,this good  ,german may
 have been misled by the mention of the 
sons of ,god early in  ,genesis1 yet it 
is strange that he knew not that ,jesus 
is the only son  of ,god1 and our       
savior4 ,a story is moreover told of two
 persons1 of whom  the one boasted      
rather too often that he was a self-made
 man1 and the  other at length quietly  
remarked that he was quite glad to hear 
it1 as  it cleared ,god from the        
responsibility of a darned mean bit of  
work4  ,whence some have inferred the   
heresy that ,god is the creator of only 
a  part of the universe2 but ,i frankly 
confess that in my own opinion the      
reply was merely a playful sarcasm4     
,the most decided heresy which has come 

under my own observation was  developed 
in the course of a chat between two     
miners in a lager-beer  saloon and      
billiard-hall2 into the which1 it need  
scarcely be remarked1  ,i was myself    
solely driven by the fierce             
determination to carry out my  inquiries
 thoroughly4 ,bill was smoking1 ,dick   
was chewing2 and they stood  up         
together1 at rather rapidly decreasing  
intervals1 for drinks of such  8fine old
 ,bourbon0 rye whiskey as bears the     
honorable popular title of  rot-gut4    
,the frequency with which the drinking  
of alcoholic liquors  leads to          
impassioned and elevated discussion of  
great problems in  politics1 history1   
dog-breeding1 horse-racing1 moral       
philosophy1  religion1 and kindred      
important subjects1 seems to furnish a  
strong and  hitherto neglected argument 
against tee-totalism4 ,there are        
countless  men who can only be          
stimulated to a lively and outspoken    
interest in  intellectual questions by a

 series of convivial glasses and        
meditative  whiffs4 ,if such men really 
take any interest in such questions at  
other  times1 it remains deplorably     
latent1 not exercising its legitimate   
influence on the public opinion of the  
world4 ,our two boys were  discussing   
theology2 and having had many drinks1   
grappled with the  doctrine of the      
triune ,god4 8,wall10 said ,bill1 8,i   
can't make out that  trinity consam1    
that three's one and one's three        
outfit40 ,whereto ,dick3  8,is that so8 
,then you wam't rigged out for a        
philosopher1 ,bill4 ,look  here10       
pulling forth his revolver1 an action   
which caused a slight stir  in the      
saloon1 till the other boys saw that he 
didn't mean business2  8look here1 ,i'll
 soon fix it up for you4 ,here's six    
chambers1 but it's  only one pistol1    
with one heft and one barrel2 the heft  
for us to catch  hold of1 the barrel to 
kill our enemy4 ,wall1 ,god a'mighty's  
jest made  hisself a three-shooter1     

while he remains one ,god2 but the      
,devil1 he's  only a single-shot        
deringer3 so ,god can have three fires  
at the ,devil  for one the ,devil can   
have at him4 ,now can't you figure it   
out80 8,wall10  said ,bill1 evidently   
staggered by the revolver1 and feeling1 
if  possible1 increased respect for that
 instrument on finding it could be      
brought to bear toward settlement of    
even such a difficulty as the  present2 
8,wall1 that pans out better than ,i    
thought it could3 but to  come down to  
the bedrock1 either ,god's a poor mean  
shot or his piece  carries darned light2
 for ,i reckon the ,devil makes better  
play with his  one chamber than ,god    
with his three40 8,maybe10 replied      
,dick1 with calm  candor1 strangely     
indifferent to the appalling prospects  
this theory  held out for our universe2 
8some of them pesky little things jest  
shoot  peas that rile the other fellow  
without much hurting him1 and then1 by  
thunder1 he lets daylight through you   

with one good ball4 ,besides1 it's      
likely enough the ,devil's the best     
shot1 for he's been consarned in a      
devilish heap of shooting more than ,god
 has2 at any rate0--perchance  vaguely  
remembering to have heard of such things
 as 8religious wars0--8of  late years1  
between here and ',frisco4 ,wall1 ,i    
guess ,i don't run the  creation4 ,let's
 liquor20 manifestly deriving much      
comfort from the  consciousness that he 
had no hand in conducting this world4   
,bill  acquiesced with a brief 8,ja10   
and they stood up for another drink4 ,i 
am  bound to attest that1 in spite or   
because of the drinks1 they had argued  
throughout with the utmost deliberation 
and gravity1 with a dignified  demeanour
 which ,bishops and ,d4,ds4 might envy1 
and ought to emulate4    ,having thus   
comforted you with what little of heresy
 and infidelity ,i  have been able to   
gather1 it is now my painful duty to    
advance another  class of proofs of the 
general religiousness here2 a class of  

which you  have very few current        
specimens in ,england1 unless it be     
among the ,roman  ,catholics4 ,all      
comparative mythologists--indeed1 all   
students of  history--are said to agree 
that the popular legends and myths of   
any race  at any time are of the utmost 
value1 as showing what the race then    
believed1 and thus determining its moral
 and intellectual condition at  that    
period2 this value being quite          
irrespective of the truth or untruth  to
 fact of the said legends4 ,hence in    
modern times collections of old         
traditions and fairy tales have been    
excellently well received1 whether  from
 the infantile literature of ancient    
peoples1 as the ,oriental and  ,norse1  
or from the senile and anile lips of    
secluded members of tribes  whose       
nationality is fast dying out1 as the   
,gaelic and ,welsh4 ,and truly  such    
collections commend themselves alike to 
the grave and the frivolous  for the    
scientific scholar finds in them rich   

materials for serious  study1 and the   
mere novel-reader can flatter himself   
that he is studying  while simply       
enjoying strange stories become new by  
extreme old age4 ,all  primitive        
peoples1 who read and write little1 have
 their most popular  beliefs fluidly    
embodied in oral legends and myths2 and 
in this respect  the settlers of a new  
region1 though they may come from the   
oldest  countries1 resemble the         
primitive peoples4 ,they are too busy   
with the  tough work of subduing the    
earth to give much time to writing or   
reading  anything beyond their local    
newspapers2 they love to chat together  
when  not working1 and chat1 much more  
than writing1 runs into stories4 ,thus  
religious legends in great numbers      
circulate out here1 all charged and     
surcharged with faith in the mythology  
of the ,bible4 ,of these it has  been my
 sad privilege to listen to not a few4  
,as this letter is already  too long for
 your paper1 though very brief for the  

importance of its  theme1 ,i will       
subjoin but a couple of them1 which ,i  
doubt not will be  quite enough to      
indicate what measureless superstition  
prevails in these  youngest territories 
of the free and enlightened ,republic4  
,it is told--on what authority no one   
asks1 the legend being universally      
accepted on its intrinsic merits1 as    
,protestants would have us accept  the  
,bible1 and ,papists their copious      
hagiology--that ,st4 ,joseph1 the       
putative father of our ,lord1 fell into 
bad habits1 slipping almost daily  out  
of ,heaven into evil society1 coming    
home very late at night and  always more
 or less intoxicated4 ,it is suggested  
that he may have been  driven into these
 courses by unhappiness in his connubial
 and parental  relations1 his wife and  
her child being ranked so much above    
himself by  the ,christian world1 and   
the latter being quite openly attributed
 to  another father4 ,peter1 though very
 irascible1 put up with his misconduct  

for a long time1 not liking to be harsh 
to one of the ,royal ,family2 and  it is
 believed that ,god the ,father         
sympathised with this poor old  ,joseph1
 and protected him1 being himself       
jealous of the vastly superior          
popularity of ,mary and ,jesus4 ,but at 
length1 after catching a violent  cold  
through getting out of bed at a         
preposterous hour to let the  staggering
 ,joseph in1 ,peter told him roundly    
that if he didn't come home  sober and  
in good time1 he must just stay out all 
night4 ,joseph1 feeling  sick and having
 lost his pile1 promised amendment1 and 
for a time kept  his word4 ,then he     
relapsed2 the heavenly life proved too  
slow for him1  the continual howling of 
8all the menagerie of the ,apocalypse0  
shattered  his nerves1 he was disgusted 
at his own insignificance1 the memory of
  the liaison between his betrothed and 
the ,holy ,ghost filled him with  gall  
and wormwood1 and perhaps he suspected  
that it was still kept up4  ,so1 late   

one night or early one morning ,peter   
was roused from sleep by  an irregular  
knocking and fumbling at the gate1 as if
 some stupid dumb  animal were seeking  
admittance4 8,who's there80 growled     
,peter4 8,it's  me--,joseph10 hiccoughed
 the unfortunate4 8,you're drunk10 said 
,peter1  savagely4    8,you're on the   
tear again2 you're having another       
bender40 8,yes10  answered ,joseph1     
meekly4 8,wall10 said ,peter1 8you jest 
go back to where  you come from1 and    
spend the night there2 get40 8,i can't10
 said ,joseph4  8,they're all shut up2  
they've turned me out40 8,then sleep    
outside in the  open air2 it's          
wholesome1 and will bring you round10   
said ,peter4 ,after  much vain coaxing  
and supplicating1 old ,joe got quite    
mad1 and roared  out1 8,if you don't get
 up and let me in at once1 by ,god ,i'll
 take my son  out of the outfit and bust
 up the whole consarn60 ,peter1         
terrified by  this threat1 which1 if    
carried out1 would ruin his prospects in

 eternal  life by abolishing his office 
of celestial porter1 caved in1 getting  
up  and admitting ,joseph1 who ever     
since has had a latch-key that he may go
  and come when he pleases4 ,it is to be
 hoped that he will never when  tight   
let this latch-key be stolen by one of  
the little devils who are  always       
lurking about the haunts of dissipation 
he frequents2 for in that  case the     
consequences might be awful1 as can be  
readily imagined4    ,again it is told  
that a certain miner1 a tough cuss1 who 
could whip his  weight in wild cats and 
give points to a grizzle1 seemed        
uncommonly  moody and low-spirited one  
morning1 and on being questioned by his 
chum1  at length confessed that he was  
bothered by a very queer dream4 8,i     
dreamt that ,i was dead10 he explained2 
8and a smart spry pretty little  angel  
took me up to heaven40 8,dreams go by   
contraries10 suggested the  chum1 by way
 of comfort4 8,let that slide10 answered
 the dreamer2 8the  point isn't there4  

,wall1 ,st4 ,peter wasn't at the gate1  
and the angel  critter led me on to pay 
my respects to the boss1 and after      
travelling  considerable we found him as
 thus4 ,god the ,father1 ,god the ,son1 
,god the  ,holy ,ghost and ,peter1 all  
as large as life1 were playing a        
high-toned  game of poker1 and there was
 four heavy piles on the table--gold1   
not  shinplasters1 you bet4 ,i was      
kinder glad to see that they played     
poker  up in heaven1 so as to make life 
there not on-bearable2 for it would be  
but poor fun singing psalms all day2 ,i 
was never much of a hand at  singing1   
more particularly when the songs is     
psalms4 ,wall1 we waited1  not liking to
 disturb their game1 and ,i watched the 
play4 ,i soon found  that ,jesus ,christ
 was going through the rest1 cheating   
worse than the  heathen ,chinee at      
euchre2 but of course ,i didn't say     
nothing1 not being  in the game4 ,after 
a while ,peter showed that he began to  
guess it too1  if he wasn't quite sure2 

or p'r'aps he was skeared at up and     
telling  ,christ to his face4 ,at last1 
however1 what does ,christ do1 after a  
bully  bluff which ran ,pete almost to  
his bottom dollar1 but up and show five 
aces to ,pete's call2 and #8,what's that
 for high8' says he1 quite cool4  #8,now
 look you1 ,christ1' shouts ,pete1      
jumping up as mad as thunder1 and  not  
caring a cent or a continental what he  
said to anybody2 #8look you1  ,christ1  
that's too thin2 we don't want any of   
your darned miracles  here6' and with   
that he grabbed up his pile and all his 
stakes1 and went  off in a mighty huff4 
,christ looked pretty mean1 ,i tell you1
 and the  game was up4 ,now you see10   
said the dreamer1 sadly and             
thoughtfully1  8it's a hard rock to     
drill and darned poor pay at that1 if   
when you have  a quiet hand at poker up 
there1 the bosses are allowed to cheat  
and a  man can't use his deringer or put
 a head on 'em2 ,i don't know but ,i'd  
rather go to the other place on those   

terms40 ,not yet to be read in  books1  
as ,i have intimated1 but circulating   
orally1 and in versions that  vary with 
the various rhapsodists1 such are the   
legends you may hear  when a ring is    
formed round the hotel-office stove at  
night1 in shanties  and shebangs of     
ranchmen and miners1 in the shingled    
offices of judge  and doctor1 in        
railroad cars and steamboats1 or when   
bumming around the  stores2 whenever and
 wherever1 in short1 men are gathered   
with nothing  particular to do4 ,the    
very navet of such stories surely       
testifies to  the child-like sincerity  
of the faith they express and nourish4  
,it is  the simple unbounded faith of   
the ,middle ,ages1 such as we find in   
the  old ,european legends and poems and
 mysteries1 such as your poetess ,mrs4  
,browning well marks in ,chaucer4       
,many of the so-called liberal clergy   
complain of the gulf which yawns in     
this age of materialistic science       
between religion and every-day life1  in

 this world and the things are treated  
as mere thin abstractions1 they  say2   
and only the lower things are recognised
 as real4 ,these pious  pioneers1 in the
 freshness and wonderfulness of their   
new life1 overleap  this gulf without an
 effort1 realising heaven as thoroughly 
as earth4  ,how could the communion and 
the human nature of saints be better    
exhibited than in ,st4 ,joseph falling  
into dissipation and ,st4 ,peter        
playing poker8 ,how could the manhood as
 well as the ,godhead of ,jesus  ,christ
 be more familiarly brought home to us  
than by his taking a hand  at this game 
and then miraculously cheating ,when    
generations have passed  away1 if not   
earlier1 such next1 heaven        8the  
infantine ,familiar clasp of things     
divine40    ,the higher legends as these
 will assuredly be gathered by earnest  
and  reverent students as quite         
invaluable historical relics4 ,they must
 fill  the ,christian soul with delight2
 they must harrow the heart of him who  

hath said in his heart1 ,there is no    
,god4    ,in conclusion1 ,i must again  
express my deep regret at being forced  
by  the spirit of truth to give you so  
favorable an account of the state of    
religion out here1 both in creed and    
practice4 ,i trust that you will  lose  
no time and spare no exertion in        
attacking and1 if possible1  routing out
 the ,christianity now entrenched in    
these great natural  fortresses4 ,be    
your war-cry that of the first pioneers1
 8,pike's ,peak or  bust02 and be not   
like unto him found teamless half-way   
across the  plains1 with the confession 
on his waggon-tilt1 8,busted1 by        
thunder40  ,for you can come right out  
here by railroad now4 ,as for myself1 ,i
  climbed wearily and with mortal       
pantings unto the top of this great     
mountain1 thinking it one of the best   
coigns of vantage whence to  command a  
comprehensive view of the sphere of my  
inquiries1 and also a  spot where one   
might write without being interrupted or

 overlooked by  loafers4 ,unfortunately 
,i have not been able to discover any   
special  religious or irreligious       
phnomena2 for1 though the prospect is   
indeed  ample where not intercepted by  
clouds or mist1 very few of the people  
and still fewer of their characteristics
 can be made out distinctly even  with a
 good glass4 ,how ,i am to get down and 
post this letter puzzles me4  ,the      
descent will be difficult1 dangerous1   
perhaps deadly4 ,would that ,i  had not 
come up4 ,after all there is some truth 
in the ,gospel narrative  of the        
,temptation3 for by studying the general
 course of ecclesiastical  promotion and
 the characters of the most eminent     
churchmen1 ,i was long  since led to    
recognise that it is indeed ,satan who  
sets people on  pinnacles of the temple2
 and ,i am now moreover thoroughly      
convinced that  it is the ,devil and the
 ,devil only that takes any one to the  
top of an  exceeding high mountain4     
,,the ,,story ,,of ,a ,,famous ,,old    

,,jewish ,,firm      7#ahff47    ,many  
thousand years ago1 when the ,jews first
 started in business1 the  chief of     
their merchants was a venerable and     
irascible old gentleman  named ,jah4    
,the ,jews have always been excellent   
traders1 keen to scent  wealth1 subtle  
to track it1 unweary to pursue it1      
strong to seize it1  tenacious to hold  
it2 and the most keen1 subtle1 untiring1
 strong1  tenacious of them all1 was    
this ,jah4 ,the patriarchs of his people
 paid  him full measure of the homage   
which ,jews have always eagerly paid to 
wealth and power1 and all their most    
important transactions were carried  out
 through him4 ,in those antique times   
people lived to a very great  age1 and  
,jah is supposed to have lived so many  
thousands of years that  one may as well
 not try to count them4 ,perhaps it was 
not one ,jah that  existed all this     
while1 but the house of ,jah3 the       
family1 both for pride  and profit1     
preserving through successive           

generations the name of its  founder4   
,certain books have been treasured by   
the ,jews as containing  exact records  
of the dealings of this lordly merchant 
7or house7 both  with the ,jews         
themselves and with strangers4 ,many    
people in our times1  however1 have     
ventured to doubt the accuracy of these 
records1 arguing  that some of the      
transactions therein recorded it would  
have been  impossible to transact1 that 
others must have totally ruined the     
richest  of merchants1 that the accounts
 often contradict each other1 and that  
the system of book-keeping generally is 
quite unworthy of a dealer so  truthful 
and clear-headed as ,jah is affirmed to 
have been4 ,the records  are so ancient 
in themselves1 and they treat of matters
 so much more  ancient still1 that it is
 not easy to find other records of any  
sort  with which to check their         
accounts4 ,strangely enough the most    
recent  researches have impugned the    
accuracy of the most ancient of these   

records2 certain leaves of a volume     
called the 8,great ,stone ,book10       
having been brought forward to          
contradict the very first folio of the  
ledger in which the dealings of ,jah    
have been posted up according to the    
,jews4 ,it may be that the first few    
folios1 like the early pages of most    
annals1 are somewhat mythical2 and the  
present humble compiler 7who is  not    
deep in the affairs of the primaeval    
world1 and who1 like the late  lamented 
,captain ,cuttle with his large volume1 
is utterly knocked up at  any time by   
four or five lines of the 8,great ,stone
 ,book07 will prudently  not begin at   
the beginning1 but skip it with great   
comfort and pleasure1  especially as    
many and learned men are now earnest    
students of this  beginning4 ,we will1  
therefore1 if you please1 take for      
granted the facts  that at some time1 in
 some manner1 ,jah created his wonderful
 business1  and that early in his career
 he met with a great misfortune1 being  

compelled1 by the villainy of all those 
with whom he had dealings to  resort to 
a wholesale liquidation1 which left him 
so poor1 that for some  time he had not 
a house in the world1 and his           
establishment was reduced  to four male 
and as many female servants4    ,he must
 have pretty well recovered from this   
severe shock when he  entered into the  
famous covenant or contract with        
,abraham and his heirs1  by which he    
bound himself to deliver over to them at
 a certain1 then  distant1 period1 the  
whole of the valuable landed property   
called  ,canaan1 on condition that they 
should appoint him the sole agent for   
the  management of their affairs4 ,in   
pursuance of this contract1 he conducted
  that little business of the flocks and
 herds for ,jacob against one  ,laban2  
and afterwards1 when the children of    
,abraham were grown very  numerous1 he  
managed for them that other little      
affair1 by which they  spoiled the      
,egyptians of jewels of silver and      

jewels of gold2 and it is  even asserted
 that he fed and clothed the family for 
no less than forty  years in a country  
where the commissariat was a service of 
extreme  difficulty4    ,at length the  
time came when he was to make over to   
them the ,land of  ,canaan1 for this    
purpose evicting the several families   
then in  possession thereof4 ,the whole 
of the covenanted estate he never did   
make  over to them1 but the ,jews freely
 admit that this was through their own  
fault4 ,they held this land as mortgaged
 to him1 he pledging himself not  to    
foreclose while they dealt with him     
faithfully and fulfilled all the        
conditions of the covenant4 ,they were  
to pay him ten per cent1 per annum      
interest1 with sundry other charges1 to 
put all their affairs into his  hands1  
to have no dealings whatsoever with any 
rival merchants1 etc41  etc4 ,under this
 covenant the ,jews continued in        
possession of the fine  little property 
of ,canaan for several hundred years1   

and they assert  that this same ,jah    
lived and conducted his business        
throughout the whole  period4 ,but1 as  
,i have ventured to suggest1 the long   
existence of the  house of ,jah may have
 been the sum total of the lives of a   
series of  individual ,jahs4 ,the ,jews 
could not have distinguished the one    
from the  other2 for it is a strange    
fact that ,jah himself1 they admit1 was 
never  seen4 ,perhaps he did not affect 
close contact with ,jews4 ,perhaps he   
calculated that his power over them     
would be increased by mystery2 this  is 
certain1 that he kept himself wholly    
apart from them in his private  office1 
so that no one was admitted even on     
business4 ,it is indeed  related that   
one ,moses 7the witness to the execution
 of the covenant7  caught a glimpse of  
him from behind1 but this glimpse could 
scarcely  have sufficed for             
identification2 and it is said1 also1   
that at certain  periods the chief of   
the priesthood was admitted to          

consultation with  him2 but although his
 voice was then heard1 he did not appear
 in  person--only the shadow of him was 
seen1 and everyone will allow that a    
shadow is not the best means of         
identification4 ,and in further support 
of my humble suggestion it may be noted 
that in many and important  respects the
 later proceedings attributed to ,jah   
differ extremely in  character from the 
earlier2 and this difference cannot be  
explained as  the common difference     
between the youth and maturity and      
senility of one  and the same man1 for  
we are expressly assured that ,jah was  
without  change--by which we are not to 
understand that either through          
thoughtlessness or parsimony he never   
had small cash in his pocket for  the   
minor occasions of life2 but that he was
 stubborn in his will1  unalterable in  
his ideas1 persistent in his projects   
and plans4    ,the records of his       
dealings at home with the ,jews1 and    
abroad with the  ,egyptians1 the        

,assyrians1 the ,philistines1 the       
,babylonians1 the  ,persians1 the       
,edomites1 and other nations1 as kept by
 the ,jews  themselves1 are among the   
strangest accounts of a large general   
business  which have ever been put down 
in black on white4 ,and in nothing are  
they  more strange than in the unsullied
 candor with which the ,jews always     
admit and proclaim that it was their    
fault1 and by no means the fault of     
,jah1 whenever the joint business went  
badly1 and narrate against  themselves  
the most astonishing series of frauds   
and falsehoods1 showing  how they broke 
the covenant1 and attempted to cheat the
 other party in  every imaginable way1  
and1 in order to ruin his credit1       
conspired with  foreign adventurers of  
the worst character--such as ,,mm4      
,baal1 ,ashtaroth1  and ,moloch4 ,jah1  
who gave many proofs of a violent and   
jealous temper1  and who was wont to    
sell up other debtors in the most       
heartless way1  appears to have been    

very patient and lenient with these     
flagitious  ,jews4 ,yet with all his    
kindness and long-suffering he was again
 and  again forced to put executions    
into their houses1 and throw themselves 
into prison2 and at length1 before our  
year ,one1 having1 as it would  seem1   
given up all hope of making them deal   
honestly with him1 he had  put certain  
strict ,romans in possession of the     
property to enforce his  mortgage and   
other rights4    ,and now comes a sudden
 and wonderful change in the history of 
this  mysterious ,jah4 ,whether it was  
the original ,jah1 who felt himself too 
old to conduct the immense business     
alone1 or whether it was some  successor
 of his1 who had not the same           
self-reliance and imperious will1  one  
cannot venture to decide2 but we all    
know that it was publicly  announced1   
and soon came to be extensively         
believed1 that ,jah had taken  unto     
himself two partners1 and that the      
business was thenceforth to be  carried 

on by a firm1 under the style of        
,father1 ,son1 and ,co4 ,it is  commonly
 thought that history has more of       
certainty as it becomes more  recent2   
but unfortunately in the life of ,jah1  
uncertainty grows ten  times more       
uncertain when we attain the period of  
this alleged  partnership1 for the ,jews
 deny it altogether2 and of those who   
believe  in it not one is able to define
 its character1 or even to state its    
possibility in intelligible language4   
,the ,jews assert roundly that the      
alleged partners are a couple of vile   
impostors1 that ,jah still conducts  his
 world-wide business alone1 that he has 
good reasons 7known only to  himself7   
for delaying the exposure of these      
pretenders2 and that1  however sternly  
he has been dealing with the ,jews for a
 long time past1  and however little    
they may seem to have improved so as to 
deserve  better treatment1 he will yet  
be reconciled to them1 and restore them 
to  possession of their old land1 and   

exalt them above all their rivals and   
enemies1 and of his own free will and   
absolute pleasure burn and destroy      
every bond of their indebtedness now in 
his hands4 ,and in support of  these    
modest expectations they can produce a  
bundle of documents which  they assert  
to be his promissory notes1 undoubtedly 
for very large  amounts2 but which1     
being carefully examined1 turn out to be
 all framed  on this model3 8,i1 the    
above-mentioned ,a4 ,b40 7an obscure or 
utterly  unknown ,jew1 supposed to have 
lived about three thousand years ago71  
8hereby promise in the name of ,jah1    
that the said ,jah shall in some  future
 year unknown1 pay unto the house of    
,israel the following amount1  that is  
to say1 etc40 ,if we ask1 ,where is the 
power of attorney  authorising this     
dubious ,a4 ,b4 to promise this amount  
in the name of  ,jah8 the ,jews retort3 
8,if you believe in the partnership1 you
 must  believe in such power1 for you   
have accepted all the obligations of the

  old house1 and have never refused to  
discount its paper3 if you believe      
neither in ,jah nor in the partnership1 
you are a wretch utterly without  faith1
 a commercial outlaw40 ,in addition1    
however1 to these remarkable  promissory
 notes1 the ,jews rely upon the fact    
that ,jah1 in the midst of  his terrible
 anger1 has still preserved some        
kindness for them4 ,he  threatened many 
pains and penalties upon them for breach
 of the  covenant1 and many of these    
threats he has carried out2 but the most
  cruel and horrific of all he has not  
had the heart to fulfil3 they have  been
 oppressed and crushed1 strangers have  
come into their landed  property1 they  
have been scattered among all peoples1 a
 proverb and a  by-word of scorn among  
the nations1 their religion has been    
accursed1  their holy places are        
defiled1 but the crowning woe has been  
spared them  7,deut4 xxviii41 #dd72     
never yet has it come to pass that the  
stranger  should lend to them1 and they 

should not lend to the stranger4 ,there 
is  yet balm in ,gilead1 a rose of      
beauty in ,sharon1 and a cedar of       
majesty  on ,lebanon2 the ,jew still    
lends to the stranger1 and does not     
borrow  from him1 except as he          
8borrowed0 from the ,egygtian--and the  
interest on  money lent is still        
capable1 with judicious treatment1 of   
surpassing the  noble standard of 8shent
 per shent40    ,and even among the     
,gentiles there are some who believe    
that ,jah is still  the sole head of the
 house1 and that the pair who are       
commonly accounted  junior partners are 
in fact only superior servants1 the one 
a sort of  manager1 the other general   
superintendent and agent1 though ,jah   
may  allow them a liberal commission on 
the profits1 as well as a fixed  salary4
    --,but the commercial world of      
,europe1 in general1 professes to       
believe  that there is a bona fide      
partnership1 and that the three partners
  have exactly equal authority and      

interest in the concern2 that1 in fact1 
there is such thorough identity in every
 respect that the three may1 and  ought 
to be1 for all purposes of business1    
considered as one4 ,the second  partner1
 they say1 is really the son of ,jah2   
though ,jah1 with that  eccentricity    
which has ever abundantly characterised 
his proceedings1  had this son brought  
up as a poor ,jewish youth1 apparently  
the child of  a carpenter called        
,joseph1 and his wife ,mary4 ,joseph has
 little or no  influence with the firm1 
and we scarcely hear of a transaction   
done  through him1 but ,mary has made   
the most profitable use of her old      
liaison with ,jah1 and the majority of  
those who do business with the  firm    
seek her good offices1 and pay her very 
liberal commissions4 ,those  who do not 
think so highly of her influence1 deal  
with the house chiefly  through the son1
 and thus it has come to pass that poor 
,jah is virtually  ousted from his own  
business4 ,he and the third partner are 

little more  than sleeping partners1    
while his mistress and her son manage   
every  affair of importance4    ,this   
state of things seems somewhat unfair to
 ,jah2 yet one must own that  there are 
good reasons for it4 ,jah was a most    
haughty and humorous  gentleman1        
extremely difficult to deal with1 liable
 to sudden fits of  rage1 wherein he    
maltreated friends and foes alike1      
implacable when once  offended1 a       
desperately sharp shaver in the bargain1
 a terrible fellow  for going to law4   
,the son was a much more kindly         
personage1 very affable  and pleasant in
 conversation1 willing and eager to do a
 favor to any  one1 liberal in promises 
even beyond his powers of performance1  
fond of  strangers1 and good to the     
poor2 and his mother1 with or without   
reason1  is credited with a similar     
character4 ,moreover1 ,jah always kept  
himself  invisible1 while the son and   
mother were possibly seen1 during some  
years1 by a large number of persons2 and

 among those who have never seen  them  
their portraits are almost as popular as
 photographs of the ,prince  and        
,princess of ,wales4    ,with the real  
or pretended establishment of the ,firm1
 a great change  took place in the      
business of ,jah4 ,this business had    
been chiefly with  the ,jews1 and even  
when it extended to foreign             
transactions1 these were  all           
subordinate to the ,jewish trade4 ,but  
the ,firm lost no time in  proclaiming  
that it would deal with the whole world 
on equal terms3 no  wonder the ,jews    
abhor the alleged partners6 ,and the    
nature of the  contracts1 the principal 
articles of trade1 the mode of keeping  
the  accounts1 the commission and       
interest charged and allowed1 the       
salaries  of the agents and clerks1 the 
advantages offered to clients1 were all 
changed too4 ,the head establishment was
 removed from ,jerusalem to ,rome1  and 
branch establishments were gradually    
opened in nearly all the towns  and     

villages of ,europe1 besides many in    
,asia and ,africa1 and afterwards  in   
,america and ,australia4 ,it is worth   
noting that in ,asia and ,africa        
7although the firm arose in the former7 
the business has never been  carried on 
very successfully2 ,messrs4 ,brahma1    
,vishnu1 ,seeva1 and ,co41  the great   
houses of ,buddha and ,mumbo ,jumbo1    
various ,parsee firms1 and  other       
opposition houses1 having among them    
almost monopolised the trade4    ,the   
novel1 distinctive1 and most useful     
article which the ,firm engaged  to     
supply was a bread called par excellence
 the ,bread of ,life4 ,the  ,prospectus 
7which was first drafted1 apparently in 
perfect good faith1  by the ,son2 but   
which has since been so altered and     
expanded by  successive agents that we  
cannot learn what the original1 no      
longer  extant1 exactly stated7 sets    
forth that the ,house of ,jah1 ,son and 
,co4  has sole possession of the        
districts yielding the corn whereof this

  bread is made1 the sole patents of the
 mills for grinding and ovens for       
baking1 and that it alone has the secret
 of the proper process for  kneading4   
,the ,firm admits that many other houses
 have pretended to  supply this         
invaluable bread1 but accuses them all  
of imposture or  poisonous adulteration4
 ,for itself1 it commands the genuine   
supply in  such quantities that it can  
under take to feed the whole world1 and 
at  so cheap a rate that the poorest    
will be able to purchase as much as he  
needs2 and1 moreover1 as the firm       
differs essentially from all other      
firms in having no object in view save  
the benefit of its customers1 the       
partners being already so rich that no  
profits could add to their  wealth1 it  
will supply the bread for mere love to  
those who have not  money6    ,this fair
 and beautiful prospectus1 you will     
easily believe1 brought  vast multitudes
 eager to deal with the firm1 and       
especially large  multitudes of the     

poor1 ravished with the announcement    
that love should  be henceforth current 
coin of the realm2 and the business     
spread  amazingly4 ,but at the very     
outset a sad mischance occurred4 ,the   
,son1 by  far the best of the partners1 
was suddenly seized and murdered and    
buried by certain agents of the old     
,jewish business 7furious at the        
prospect of losing all their rich       
trade71 with the connivance of the      
,roman installed as inspector4 ,at      
least1 these wretches thought they had  
murdered the poor man1 and it is        
admitted on every side that they buried 
him3 but the dependants of the ,firm    
have a strange story that he was not    
really killed1 but arose out of his tomb
 after lying there for three  days1 and 
slipped away to keep company with his   
father1 the invisible  ,jah1 in his     
exceedingly private office2 and they    
assert that he is still  alive along    
with ,jah1 mollifying the old man when  
he gets into one of  his furious        

passions1 pleading for insolvent        
debtors1 and in all things  by act and  
counsel doing good for all the clients  
of the house4 ,they1  moreover1 assert  
that the third partner1 who as the      
consoling substitute  for the absent    
,son is commonly called the ,comforter1 
and who is very  energetic1 though      
mysteriously invisible in his           
operations1 superintends  all the       
details of the business in every one of 
the establishments4 ,but  this third    
partner is so difficult to catch1 that1 
as stated before1 the  majority of the  
customers deal with the venerable       
mother1 as the most  accessible and     
humane personage belonging to the house4
    ,despite the death or disappearance 
of the ,son1 the firm prospered for a   
considerable time4 ,after severe        
competition1 in which neither side      
showed itself very scrupulous1 the great
 firm of ,jupiter and ,co41 the  old    
,greek house1 which had been            
strengthened by the amalgamation of the 

wealthiest ,roman firms1 was utterly    
beaten from the field1 sold up and      
extinguished4 ,in the sale of the       
effects many of the properties in most  
demand were bought in by the new firm1  
which also took many of the  clerks and 
agents into its employment1 and it is   
even said adopted in  several important 
respects the mode of carrying on        
business and the  system of             
book-keeping4 ,but while the firm was   
thus conquering its most  formidable    
competitor1 innumerable dissensions were
 arising between its  own branch        
establishments2 every one accusing every
 other of dealing on  principles quite  
hostile to the regulations instituted by
 the head of  the house1 of falsifying  
the accounts1 and of selling an article 
which  was anything but the genuine     
unadulterated bread4 ,there were also   
interminable quarrels among them as to  
relative rank and importance4    ,and   
whether the wheat1 as delivered to the  
various establishments1 was  or was not 

the genuine article which the firm had  
contracted to supply1  it was soon      
discovered that it issued from the      
licensed shops  adulterated in the most 
audacious manner4 ,and1 although the    
prospectus  had stated most positively  
that the bread should be delivered to   
the  poor customers of the firm without 
money and without price 7and such  seems
 really to have been the good ,son's    
intention71 it was found1 in  fact1 that
 the loaves1 when they reached the      
consumer1 were at least as  costly as   
ever loaves of any kind of bread had    
been4 ,it mattered little  that the     
wheat was not reckoned in the price1    
when agents'1  commissioners'1          
messengers' fees1 bakers' charges1 and a
 hundred items1  made the price total so
 enormous4 ,when1 at length1 the        
business was  flourishing all over      
,europe1 it was the most bewildering    
confusion of  contradictions that1      
perhaps1 was ever known in the          
commercial world4  ,for in all the      

establishments the agents professed and 
very solemnly  swore that they dealt on 
principles opposed and infinitely       
superior to  the old principles of      
trade2 yet their proceedings 7save that 
they  christened old things with new    
names7 were identical with those which  
had brought to shameful ruin the most   
villainous old firms4 ,the              
sub-managers1 who were specially ordered
 to remain poor while in the  business1 
and for obedience were promised the most
 splendid pensions  when superannuated1 
all became rich as princes by their     
exactions from  the clients of the      
house2 the agents1 who were especially  
commanded to  keep the peace1 were ever 
stirring up quarrels and fighting       
ferociously1  not only with opposition  
agents but with one another4 ,the       
accounts1  which were to be regulated by
 the most honest and simple rules1 were 
complicated in a lawless system1 which  
no man could understand1 and  falsified 
to incredible amounts1 to the loss of   

the customers1 without  being to the    
gain of the firm4 ,in brief1 each       
establishment was like one  of those    
,chinese shops where the most beautiful 
and noble maxims of  justice and        
generosity are painted in gilt letters  
outside1 while the  most unblushing     
fraud and extortion are practised       
inside4 ,when poor  customers complained
 of these things1 they were told that   
the system was  perfect1 that the evils 
were all from the evil men who conducted
 the  business6 but the good people did 
not further explain how the perfection  
of the system could ever be realised1   
since it must always be worked by       
imperfect men4 ,complainants thus mildly
 and vaguely answered were very         
fortunate2 others1 in places where the  
firm was very powerful1 were  answered  
by imprisonment or false accusations1 or
 by being pelted and  even murdered by  
mobs4 ,many who thought the bread badly 
baked were  themselves thrust into the  
fire4    ,yet so intense is the need of 

poor men for some bread of life1 so     
willing are simple men to believe fair  
promises1 that1 in spite of the         
monstrous injustice and falsehood and   
cruelty and licentiousness of the       
managers and submanagers and agents of  
the firm1 the business continued  to    
flourish1 and all the wealth of ,europe 
flowed into its coffers4 ,and           
generations passed ere some persons     
bethought them to think seriously of    
the original ,deed of ,partnership and  
the fundamental principles of the       
,firm4 ,these documents1 which had been 
carefully confined in certain old  dead 
languages which few of the customers    
could read1 were translated  into vulgar
 tongues1 which all could read or       
understand when read1 and  everyone     
began studying them for himself4 ,this  
thinking of essentials1  which is so    
rare a thought among mankind1 has       
already produced  remarkable effects1   
ana promises to produce effects yet more
 remarkable  in a short time4    ,behold

 a few of the questions which this study
 of the first documents  has            
raised4--,the ,father1 whom no one has  
seen1 is there indeed such a  personage8
 ,the ,son1 whom certainly no one has   
seen for eighteen hundred  years1 did he
 really come to life again after being  
brutally murdered8  ,the junior partner1
 whom no one has ever seen1 the         
,comforter1 is he a  comforter made of  
the wool of a sheep that never was      
fleeced8 ,the  business1 as we see it1  
merely uses the names1 and would be     
precisely  the same business if these   
names covered no personages4 ,do the    
managers  and submanagers really carry  
it on for their own profit1 using these 
high names to give dignity to their     
rascality1 and to make poor people      
believe that they have unbounded capital
 at their back8 ,one is punished  for   
defamation of character if he denies the
 existence of the partners1  yet not the
 very chief of all the managers pretends
 to have seen any of  the three6    ,and

 the vaunted ,bread of ,life1 wherein   
does it differ from the old             
corn-of-,ceres bread1 from the baking of
 the wheat of ,mother ,hertha8  ,chiefly
 in this1 that it creates much more wind
 on the stomach4 ,it is  not more       
wholesome1 nor more nourishing1 and     
certainly not more cheap3  and it does  
us little good to be told that it would 
be if the accredited  agents were honest
 and supplied it pure1 when we are told1
 at the same  time1 that we must get it 
through these agents4 ,it is indeed     
affirmed  that1 in an utterly unknown   
region beyond the ,black ,sea1 the      
genuine  wheat may be seen growing by   
any one who discovers the place2 but1 as
 no  one who ever crossed the sea on a  
voyage of discovery ever returned1 the  
assertion rests on the bare word of     
people who have never seen the          
corn-land any more than they have seen  
the partners of the firm2 and  their    
word is bare indeed1 for it has been    
stripped to shame in a  thousand affairs

 wherein it could be brought to the     
test4 ,they tell us  also that we shall 
all in time cross the ,black ,sea1 and  
if we have been  good customers shall   
dwell evermore in that delightful land1 
with  unlimited supplies of the bread   
gratis4 ,this may be true1 but how do   
they know8 ,it may be true that in the  
sea we shall all get drowned for  ever4 
,these and similar doubts which1 in many
 minds1 have hardened into  positive    
disbelief1 are beginning to affect      
seriously the trade of the  firm4 ,but  
its interests are now so inextricably   
bound up with the  interests of         
thousands and millions of well-to-do and
 respectable  people1 and on its        
solvency or apparent solvency depends   
that of so  large a number of esteemed  
merchants1 that we may expect the most  
desperate struggles to postpone its     
final bankruptcy4 ,in the great ,roman  
establishment the manager has been      
supported for many years by  charitable 
contributions from every one whom he    

could persuade to give  or lend1 and now
 he wants to borrow much more4 ,the     
superintendent of the  shops in ,london 
is in these days begging for ten hundred
 thousand pounds  to assist the poor    
firm in its difficulties4    ,it seems a
 good sum of money2 but1 bless you1 it  
is but a drop in the  sea compared with 
what the business has already absorbed1 
and is still  absorbing4 ,scattered     
shops in the most distant countries have
 only been  sustained for many years by 
alms from customers here4 ,the          
barbarians  won't eat the bread1 but the
 bakers sent out must have their        
salaries4 ,a  million of pounds are     
being begged here2 and people 7who would
 prosecute  a mendicant of halfpence7   
will give it no doubt6 ,yet1 ,o worthy  
manager  of the ,london ,shops1 one     
proved loaf of the real ,bread would be 
infinitely more valuable1 and would     
infinitely more benefit your firm6  ,the
 villainy of the agents was monstrous1  
generation after generation1  the cost  

of that which was promised without money
 and without price was  ruinous for     
centuries2 but not all the villainy and 
extortion multiplied  a hundredfold     
could drive away the poor hungry        
customers while they had  faith in the  
genuineness of the bread4 ,it was the   
emptiness and the wind  on the stomach  
after much eating1 which raised the     
fatal doubts as to  the bona fides of   
the whole concern4 ,the great ,english  
managers had  better ponder this2 for at
 present they grope in the dark delusion
 that  more and better bakers salaried  
with alms1 and new shops opened with    
eleemosynary funds will bring customers 
to buy their bran cakes as  wheaten     
loaves4 ,a very dark delusion1 indeed6  
,if the pure promised bread  cannot be  
supplied1 no amount of money will keep  
the business going very  long4 ,consider
 what millions on millions of pounds    
have been subscribed  already1 what     
royal revenues are pouring in still2 all
 meant for  investment in wholesome and 

nourishing food1 but nearly all realised
 in  hunger and emptiness1 heartburn and
 flatulence4 ,the old ,roman shrewdly   
calculated that the ,house of ,olympus  
would prove miserably insolvent if  its 
affairs were wound up1 if it tried      
honestly to pay back all the  deposits  
of its customers4 ,as for this more     
modern firm1 one suspects  that1 in like
 case1 it would prove so insolvent that 
it could not pay a  farthing in the     
pound4 ,for ,olympus was a house that   
dealt largely in  common worldly goods1 
and of these things really did give a   
considerable  quantity to its clients   
for their money2 but the new firm       
professed to  sell things infinitely    
more valuable1 and of these it cannot   
prove the  delivery of a single parcel  
during the eighteen hundred years it has
  been receiving purchase-money         
unlimited4    ,the humble compiler of   
this rapid and imperfect summary ought1 
perhaps1  to give his own opinion of the
 firm and the partners1 although he     

suffers under the disadvantage of caring
 very little for the business1  and     
thinks that far too much time is wasted 
by both the friends and the  enemies of 
the house in investigation of every line
 and figure in its  books4 ,he believes 
that ,jah1 the grand ,jewish dealer1 was
 a succession  of several distinct      
personages2 and will probably continue  
to believe  thus until he learns that   
there was but one ,pharaoh ,king of     
,egypt1 but  one ,bourbon ,king of      
,france1 and that the ,house of         
,rothschild has always  been one and the
 same man4 ,he believes that the ,son   
was by no means the  child of the       
,father1 that he was a much better      
character than the  ,father1 that he was
 really and truly murdered1 that his    
prospectus and  business plans were very
 much more wise and honest and good than
 the  prospectus as we have it now1 and 
the system as it has actually been      
worked4 ,he believes that the ,comforter
 has really had a share in this as  in  

every other business not wholly bad in  
the world1 that he has never  identified
 his interests with those of any firm1  
that specially he never  committed      
himself to a partnership of unlimited   
liability with the  ,hebrew ,jah1 that  
he undoubtedly had extensive dealings   
with the ,son1 and  placed implicit     
confidence in him while a living man1   
and that he will  continue to deal      
profitably and bountifully with men long
 after the firm  has become bankrupt and
 extinct4 ,he believes that the corn of 
the true  bread of life is sown and     
grown1 reaped1 ground1 kneaded1 baked   
and  eaten on this side of the ,black   
,sea4 ,he believes that no firm or      
company  whatever1 with limited or      
unlimited liability1 has the monopoly   
for the  purveyance of this bread1 that 
no charters can confer such monopoly1   
that the bread is only to be got pure by
 each individual for himself1  and that 
no two individuals of judgment really   
like it prepared in  exactly the same   

fashion1 but that unfortunately 7as his 
experience  compels him to believe7 the 
bulk of mankind will always in the      
future no  less than in the past persist
 in endeavoring to procure it through   
great  chartered companies1 finally1 he 
believes that the worthy chief baker in 
,london with his million of money is    
extremely like the worthy ,mrs4         
,partington with her mop against the    
,atlantic4          ,,christmas ,,eve   
,,in ,,the ,,upper ,,circles            
7#ahff47    ,poor dear ,god sat alone in
 his private chamber1 moody1 melancholy1
  miserable1 sulky1 sullen1 weary1      
dejected1 supenally hipped4 ,it was the 
evening of ,sunday1 the #bdth of        
,december1 #ahfe4 ,waters continually   
dripping wear away the hardest stone2   
year falling after year will at  length 
overcome the strongest god3 an oak-tree 
outlasts many generations  of men2 a    
mountain or a river outlasts many       
celestial dynasties4 ,a cold  like a    
thick fog in his head1 rheum in his     

eyes1 and rheumatism in his  limbs and  
shoulders1 his back bent1 his chin      
peaked1 his poll bald1 his  teeth       
decayed1 his body all shivering1 his    
brain all muddle1 his heart  all black  
care2 no wonder the old gentleman looked
 poorly as he cowered  there1 dolefully 
sipping his ,lachryma ,christi4 8,i wish
 the other party  would lend me some of 
his fire10 he muttered1 8for it is      
horribly frigid  up here40 ,the table   
was crowded and the floor littered with 
books and  documents1 all most          
unreadable reading3 missionary reports1 
controversial divinity1 bishops'        
charges1 religious periodicals1 papal   
allocutions and encyclical letters1     
minutes of ,exeter ,hall meetings1      
ponderous blue books from the angelic   
bureaux--dreary as the humor of  ,punch1
 silly as the critiques of the ,times1  
idiotic as the poetry of  ,all the ,year
 ,round4 ,when now and then he eyed them
 askance he  shuddered more shockingly1 
and looked at his desk with loathing    

despair4  ,for he had gone through a    
hard day's work1 with extra services    
appropriate to the sacred season2 and   
for the ten-thousandth time he had  been
 utterly knocked up and bewildered by   
the ,athanasian ,creed4    ,while he sat
 thus1 came a formal tap at the door1   
and his son entered1  looking sublimely 
good and respectable1 pensive with a    
pensiveness on  which one grows         
comfortably fat4 8,ah1 my boy10 said the
 old gentleman1  8you seem to get on    
well enough in these sad times3 come to 
ask my  blessing for your birthday fte80
 8,i fear that you are not well1 my     
dear father2 do not give way to         
dejection1 there was once a man--       
8,o1 dash your parables6 keep them for  
your disciples2 they are not too        
amusing4 ,alack for the good old times60
 8,the wicked old times you mean1  my   
father2 the times when we were poor1 and
 scorned1 and oppressed2 the  times when
 heathenism and vain philosophy ruled   
everywhere in the world4  ,now1 all     

civilised realms are subject to us1 and 
worship us40 8,and  disobey us4 ,you are
 very wise1 much wiser than your old    
worn-out father2  yet perchance a truth 
or two comes to me in solitude1 when it 
can't  reach you through the press of   
your saints1 and the noise of your      
everlasting preaching and singing and   
glorification4 ,you know how ,i  began  
life1 the petty chief of a villainous   
tribe4 ,but ,i was passionate  and      
ambitious1 subtle and strong-willed1    
and1 in spite of itself1 ,i made  my    
tribe a nation2 and ,i fought           
desperately against all the surrounding 
chiefs1 and with pith of arm and wile of
 brain ,i managed to keep my head  above
 water4 ,but ,i lived all alone1 a stern
 and solitary existence4 ,none  other of
 the gods was so friendless as ,i2 and  
it is hard to live alone  when memory is
 a sea of blood4 ,i hated and despised  
the ,greek ,zeus and  his shameless     
court2 yet ,i could not but envy him1   
for a joyous life the  rogue led4 ,so   

,i1 like an old fool1 must have my      
amour2 and a pretty  intrigue ,i got    
into with the prim damsel ,mary6 ,then a
 great thought  arose in me3 men cannot 
be loyal to utter aliens2 their gods    
must be  human on one side1 divine on   
the other2 my own people were always    
deserting me to pay homage to bastard   
deities4 ,i would adopt you as my  own  
son 7between ourselves1 ,i have never   
been sure of the paternity71  and admit 
you to a share in the government4 ,those
 infernal ,jews killed  you1 but the son
 of a ,god could not die2 you came up   
hither to dwell  with me2 ,i the old    
absolute king1 you the modern tribune of
 the people4  ,here you have been ever  
since2 and ,i don't mind telling you    
that you  were a much more loveable     
character below there as the man ,jesus 
than  you have proved above here as the 
,lord ,christ4 ,as some one was needed  
on  earth to superintend the executive1 
we created the ,comforter1 prince  royal
 and plenipotentiary2 and behold us a   

divine triumvirate6 ,the new  blood was1
 ,i must own1 beneficial4 ,we lost      
,jerusalem1 but we won ,rome2  ,jove1   
,neptune1 ,apollo1 ,bacchus1 and the    
rest1 were conquered and slain2  our    
leader of the opposition ejected ,pluto 
and ,pan4 ,only ,i did not  bargain that
 my mistress should more than succeed to
 ,juno1 who was1 at  any rate1 a lawful 
wife4 ,you announced that our empire was
 peace2 you  announced likewise that it 
was war2 both have served us4 ,our power
  extended1 our glory rose2 the chief of
 a miserable tribe has become  emperor  
of ,europe4 ,but our empire was to be   
the whole world2 yet instead  of signs  
of more dominion1 ,i see signs that what
 we have is falling to  pieces4 ,from my
 youth up ,i have been a man of war2 and
 now that ,i am old  and weary and      
wealthy1 and want peace1 peace flies    
from me4 ,have we not  shed enough      
blood8 ,have we not caused enough tears8
 ,have we not kindled  enough fires8    
,and in my empire what am ,i8 ,yourself 

and my mistress share  all the power    
between you2 ,i am but a name at the    
head of our  proclamations4 ,i have been
 a man of war1 ,i am setting old and    
worn out1  evil days are at hand1 and ,i
 have never enjoyed life2 therefore is  
my  soul vexed within me4 ,and my own   
subjects are as strangers4 ,your darling
  saints ,i cannot bear4 ,the           
whimpering1 simpering1 canting1 chanting
  blockheads6 ,you were always happy in 
a pious miserableness1 and you do  not  
foresee the end4 ,do you know that in   
spite of our vast possessions  we are as
 near bankruptcy as ,spain or ,austria8 
,do you know that our  innumerable      
armies are a ,chinese rabble of cowards 
and traitors8 ,do you  know that our    
legitimacy 7even if yours were certain7 
will soon avail us  as little as that of
 the ,bourbons has availed them8 ,of    
these things you  are ignorant3 you are 
so deafened with shouts and songs in    
your own  praise that you never catch a 
whisper of doom4 ,i would not quail if  

,i  had youth to cope with circumstance2
 none can say honestly that ,i ever     
feared a foe2 but ,i am so weak that    
often ,i could not walk without  leaning
 on you4 ,why did ,i draw out my life to
 this ignominious end8 ,why  did ,i not 
fall fighting like the enemies ,i       
overcame8 ,why the devil did  you get   
born at all1 and then murdered by those 
rascally ,jews1 that ,i  who was a      
warrior should turn into a snivelling   
saint8 ,the heroes of  ,asgard have sunk
 into a deeper twilight than they       
foresaw2 but their  sunset1 fervent and 
crimson with blood and with wine1 made  
splendid that  dawnless gloaming4 ,the  
joyous ,olympians have perished1 but    
they all had  lived and loved4 ,for me1 
,i have subsisted and hated4 ,what of   
time is  left to me ,i will spend in    
another fashion4 ,let us eat and drink1 
for  to-morrow we die40 ,and he         
swallowed hastily a bumper of the wine1 
which  threw him into convulsions of    
coughing4    ,serene and superior the   

son had let the old man run on4 8,do    
not1 ,i  entreat you1 take to drink in  
your old age1 dear father4 ,you say that
  our enemies lived and loved2 but think
 how unworthy of divine rulers was      
their mode of life1 how immoral1 how    
imprudent1 how disreputable1 how        
savage1 how lustful1 how un-,chris-tian6
 ,what a bad example for poor  human    
souls60 8,human souls be blessed6 ,are  
they so much improved now8444  ,would   
that at least ,i had conserved ,jove's  
barmaid2 the prettiest1  pleasantest    
girl they say 7we know you are a        
,joseph1 though you always  had three or
 four women dangling about you72        
fair-ankled was the wench1              
bright-limbed2 she might be unto me even
 as was ,abishag1 the ,shunammite1  unto
 my old friend ,david40 8,let us speak  
seriously1 my father1 of the  great     
celebration to-morrow40 8,and suppose ,i
 am speaking very  seriously1 you solemn
 prig2 not a drop of my blood is there  
in you40    ,here came a hurried        

knocking at the door1 and the angelic   
ministers of  state crawled in1 with    
super-elaborate oriental cringings1 to  
deliver  their daily reports4 8,messages
 from ,brahma1 ,ormuzd1 etc41 to        
congratulate on the son's birthday40    
8,the infidels6 the mockers60  muttered 
the son4 8,good words10 said the father2
 8they belong to older  families than   
ours1 my lad1 and were once much more   
powerful4 ,you are  always trying to win
 over the parvenus40 8,a riot in the    
holy city4 ,the  black angels organised 
to look after the souls of converted    
negroes  having a free fight with some  
of the white ones4 ,my poor lambs60     
sighed  the son4 8,black sheep10 growled
 the father2 8what is the row80 8,they  
have plumed themselves brighter than    
peacocks1 and scream louder than        
parrots2 claim precedence over the      
angels of the mean whites2 insist on    
having some of their own hymns and tunes
 in the programme of to-morrow's        
concert40 8,lock'em all up1 white and   

black1 especially the black1 till       
,tuesday morning2 they can fight it out 
then--it's ,boxing ,day4 ,well have     
quite enough noise to-morrow without    
'em4 ,never understood the nigger       
question1 for my part3 was a            
slave-holder myself1 and cursed ,ham as 
much  as pork40 8,new saints grumbling  
about lack of civilised accommodation3  
want underground railways1 steamers for 
the crystal sea1 telegraph wires  to    
every mansion1 morning and evening      
newspapers1 etc41 etc12 have had a      
public meeting with a ,yankee saint in  
the chair1 and resolved that  heaven is 
altogether behind the age40 8,confound  
it1 my son1 have ,i not  charged you    
again and again to get some saints of   
ability up here8 ,for  years past every 
batch has been full of good-for-nothing 
noodles4 ,have  we no engineers1 no     
editors at all40 8,one or two engineers1
 we believe1  sire1 but we can't find a 
single editor40 8,give one of the       
,record  fellows the measles1 and an old

 l',univers hand the cholera1 and bring 
them up into glory at once1 and we'll   
have two daily papers4 ,and while  you  
are about it1 see whether you can       
discover three or four pious            
engineers--not muffs1 mind--and blow    
them up hither with their own  boilers1 
or in any other handy way4 ,haste1      
haste1 post haste60  8,deplorable       
catastrophe in the temple of the ,new   
,jerusalem3 a large part  of the        
foundation given way1 main wall fallen1 
several hundred workmen  bruised40      
8,stop that fellow who just left2       
countermand the measles1 the  cholera   
will be enough2 we will only have one   
journal1 and that must be  strictly     
official4 ,if we have two1 one will be  
opposition4 ,hush up the  accident4 ,it 
is strange that ,pandemonium was built  
so much better and  more quickly than   
our ,new ,jerusalem60 8,all our best    
architects and other  artists have      
deserted into ,elysium1 my lord2 so fond
 of the company of  the old ,greeks40   

,when these and many other sad reports  
had been heard1 and the various         
ministers and secretaries savagely      
dismissed1 the father turned to the  son
 and said3 8,did ,i not tell you of the 
evil state we are in80 8,by hope  and   
faith and charity1 and the sublime      
doctrine of self-renunciation1  all will
 yet come right1 my father40 8,humph6   
let hope fill my treasury1  and faith   
finish the ,new ,jerusalem1 and charity 
give us peace and  quietness1 and       
self-renunciation lead three-quarters of
 your new-fangled  saints out of heaven2
 and then ,i shall look to have a little
 comfort40  8,will you settle           
to-morrow's programme1 sire8 or shall ,i
 do my best to  spare you the trouble80 
8,you do your best to spare me the      
trouble of  reigning altogether1 ,i     
think4 ,what programme can there be but 
the old  rehearsal for the eternal life 
7,i wish you may get it78 ,o1 that      
horrible  slippery sea of glass1 that   
bedevilled throne vomiting thunders and 

lightning1 those stupid senile elders in
 white nightgowns1 those four  hideous  
beasts full of eyes1 that impossible    
lamb with seven horns and  one eye to   
each horn6 ,o1 the terrific shoutings   
and harpings and  stifling incense6 ,a  
pretty set-out for my time of life ,i   
,and to think  that you hope some time  
or other to begin this sort of thing as 
a daily  amusement1 and to carry it on  
for ever and ever6 ,not much appearance 
of  its beginning soon1 thank           
goodness--that is to say11 thank        
badness4 ,why  can't you have a play of 
,aristophanes1 or ,shakespeare1 or      
,molire8 ,why  should ,i meddle with the
 programme8 ,i had nothing to do with   
first  framing it4 ,besides1 it is all  
in your honor1 not in mine4 ,you like   
playing the part of the ,lamb2 ,i'm much
 more like an old wolf4 ,you are        
ravished when those beasts give glory   
and honour and thanks2 as for me1  ,i am
 utterly sick of them4 ,behold what ,i  
will do2 ,i must countenance the        

affair1 but ,i can do so without        
disturbing myself4 ,i'll not go         
thundering and roaring in my            
state-carriage of the whirlwind2 ,i'll  
slip  there in a quiet cloud4 ,you can't
 do without my glory1 but it really is  
too heavy for my aged shoulders2 you may
 lay it upon the throne2 it will  look  
just as well4 ,as for my speech1 here it
 is all ready written out2  let         
,mercury1 ,i mean ,raphael or ,uriel1   
read it2 ,i can't speak plainly  since  
,i lost so many teeth4 ,and now ,i      
consider the matter1 what need is  there
 for my actual presence at all8 ,have me
 there in effigy2 a noble  and handsome 
dummy can wear the glory with grace99   
,mind you have a  handsome one2 ,i wish 
all the artists had not deserted us4    
,your pious  fellows make sad work of   
us1 my son4 ,but then their usual models
 are so  ugly2 your saints have good    
reason to speak of their vile bodies4   
,how is  it that all the pretty girls   
slip away to the other place1 poor      

darlings8 ,by the bye1 who are going on 
this occasion to represent the  twelve  
times twelve thousand of the tribes of  
,israel8 ,is the boy ,mortara  dead yet8
 ,he will make one real ,jew40 8,we are 
converting them1 sire40  8,not the whole
 gross of thousands yet1 ,i trust8      
,faugh6 what a greasy  stench there     
would be--what a blazing of ,jew        
jewelry6    8,hand me the latest        
bluebook1 with the reports4444    8,ah1 
,i see2 great success6 ,power of the    
,lord ,christ6 7always you1 of  course74
 ,society flourishing4 ,eighty-two      
thousand pounds four shillings  and     
twopence three-farthings last year from 
,christians aroused to the  claims of   
the lost sheep of the ,house of ,israel4
 7,very good47 ,five  conversions66     
,three others have already been         
persuaded to eat pork  sausages4        
7,better and better47 ,one1 who drank   
most fervently of the  communion wine   
suffered himself to be treated to an    
oyster supper4  ,another1 being greatly 

moved1 was heard to ejaculate1 #8,o1    
,christ6'444  ,hum1 who are the five8   
,moses ,isaacs3 wasn't he a ,christian  
ten years ago  in ,italy1 and afterwards
 a ,mahommedan in ,salonica1 and        
afterwards a ,jew  in ,marseilles8 ,this
 ,mussulman is your oyster-man1 ,i      
presume8 ,you will  soon get the one    
hundred and forty-four thousand at this 
rate1 my son6  and cheap too60    ,he   
chuckled1 and poured out another glass  
of ,lachryma ,christi2 drank it1  made a
 wry face1 and then began coughing      
furiously4 8,poor drink this for  a god 
in his old age4 ,odin and ,jupiter fared
 better4 ,though decent for a  human    
tipple1 for a divinity it is but        
ambrosie stygiale1 as my dear  old      
favorite chaplain would call it4 ,i have
 his devotional works under  lock and   
key there in my desk4 ,apropos1 where is
 he8 ,left us again for  a scurry       
through the more jovial regions8 ,i have
 not seen him for a long  time40 8,my   
father6 really1 the words he used1 the  

life he led2 so  corrupting for the     
young saints6 ,we were forced to invite 
him to travel  a little for the benefit 
of his health4 ,the court must be kept  
pure1  you know40 8,send for him        
instantly1 sir4 ,he is out of favor     
because he  likes the old man and laughs
 at your saints1 because he can't cant  
and  loves to humbug the humbugs4 ,many 
a fit of the blues has he cured for  me1
 while you only make them bluer4 ,have  
him fetched at once4 ,o1 ,i know  you   
never liked him2 you always thought him 
laughing at your sweet pale  face and   
woebegone airs1 laughing #8en horrible  
sarcasm et sanglante  derision' 7what a 
style the rogue has6 what makes that of 
your favorite  parsons and holy ones so 
flaccid and flabby and hectic87         
#8,physician1  heal thyself6' ,so1 in   
plain words1 you have banished him2 the 
only jolly  soul left amongst us1 my    
pearl and diamond and red ruby of       
,chaplains1  abstracter of the          
quintessence of pantagruelism6 ,the     

words he used6 ,i  musn't speak freely  
myself now1 and the old books ,i wrote  
are a great  deal too coarse for you    
,michael and ,gabriel told me the other 
day that  they had just been severely   
lectured on the earnestness of life by  
one  of your new protgs2 they had to    
kick him howling into limbo4 ,a fine    
set of solemn prigs we are getting60    
8,my father1 the holiness of sorrow1    
the infiniteness of suffering60 8,yes1  
yes1 ,i know all about it4 ,that        
long-winded poet of yours 7he does an   
ode for you to-morrow87 began to        
sermonise me thereon4 ,by ,jupiter1 he  
wanted to arouse me to a sense of  my   
inner being and responsibilities and so 
forth4 ,i very soon packed him  off to  
the infant school where he teaches the  
alphabet and catechism to  the babies   
and sucklings4 ,have you sent for my    
jovial1 joyous1 jolly  ,cur of ,meudon80
 8,i have2 but ,i deeply regret that    
your ,majesty thinks  it fitting to be  
intimate with such a free-liver1 such a 

glutton and  wine-bibber and mocker and 
buffoon40 8,bah6 you patronised the     
publicans  and sinners yourself in your 
younger and better days4 ,the strict    
ones  blamed you for going about eating 
and drinking so much4 ,i hear that some 
of your newest favorites object to the  
wine in your last supper1 and are  going
 to insist on vinegar-and-water in      
future40    ,whereupon entered a man of 
a noble and courtly presence1           
lively-eyed and  golden bearded1 ruddy  
complexioned1 clear-browed1 thoughtful1 
yet  joyous1 serene and unabashed4      
8,welcome1 thrice welcome1 my beloved   
,alcofribas60 cried the old monarch2    
8very long is it since last ,i saw      
you40 8,i have been exiled since then1  
your ,majesty40 8,and ,i knew nothing   
of it60 8,and thought nothing of it or  
of me until you wanted me4 ,no one      
expects the ,king to have knowledge of  
what is passing under his eyes40  8,and 
how did you manage to exist in exile1 my
 poor chaplain80 8,much  better than    

here at court1 sire4 ,if your ,majesty  
wants a little  pleasure1 ,i advise you 
to get banished yourself4 ,your         
parasites and  sycophants and courtiers 
are a most morose1 miserable1 ugly1     
detestable1  intolerable swarm of blind 
beetles and wasps2 the devils are beyond
  comparison better company40 8,what6   
you have been mixing with traitors80    
8,oh1 ,i spent a few years in ,elysium1 
but didn't this time go into the  lower 
circles4 ,but while ,i sojourned as a   
country gentleman on the  heavenly      
borders1 ,i met a few contrabandists4 ,i
 need not tell you that  large1 yea1    
enormous quantities of beatitude are    
smuggled out of your  dominions40 8,but 
what is smuggled in80 8,sire1 ,i am not 
an informer2 ,i  never received anything
 out of the secret-service money4 ,the  
poor angels  are glad to run a venture  
at odd times1 to relieve the tedium of  
everlasting ,te ,deum4 ,by the bye1 ,i  
saw the ,devil himself40 8,the ,devil   
in my kingdom6 ,what is ,uriel about8   

he'll have to be superannuated40  8,bah6
 your ,majesty knows very well that     
,satan comes in and returns as  and when
 he likes4 ,the passport system never   
stops the really dangerous  fellows4    
,when he honored me with a call he      
looked the demurest young  saint1 and ,i
 laughed till ,i got the lockjaw at his 
earnest and spiritual  discourse4 ,he   
would have taken yourself in1 much more 
,uriel4 ,you really  ought to get him on
 the list of court chaplains4 ,he and ,i
 were always  good friends1 so if       
anything happens4444 ,it may be well for
 you if you  can disguise yourself as   
cleverly as he4 ,a revolution is not    
quite  impossible1 you know40 ,the ,son 
threw up his hands in pious horror2 the 
old ,king1 in one of his spasms of rage1
 hurled the blue-book at the  speaker's 
head1 which it missed1 but knocked down 
and broke his favorite  crucifix4       
8,jewcy fiction versus crucifixion1     
sire2 magna est veritas  et prevalebit6 
,thank ,heaven1 all that folly is       

out99side my brains2 it  is not the     
first book full of cant and lies and    
stupidity that has been  flung at me4   
,why did you not let me finish8 ,the    
,devil is no fonder than  your sacred   
self of the new opinions2 in spite of   
the proverb1 he loves  and dotes upon   
holy water4 ,if you cease to be head of 
the ministry1 he  ceases to be head of  
the opposition2 he wouldn't mind a      
change1 an  innings for him and an      
outings for you2 but these latest       
radicals want  to crush both ,whigs and 
,tories4 ,he was on his way to confer   
with some of  your ,privy ,council1 to  
organise joint action for the           
suppression of new  ideas4 ,you had     
better be frank and friendly with him4  
,public opposition  and private amity   
are perfectly consistent and            
praiseworthy4 ,he has done  you good    
service before now2 and you and your    
,son have always been of  the greatest  
assistance to him40 8,by the temptation 
of ,job6 ,i must see  to it4 ,and now no

 more business4 ,i am hipped1 my        
,rabelais2 we must have  a spree4 ,the  
cestus of ,venus1 the lute of ,apollo1  
we never could find2  but there was     
sweeter loot in the sack of ,olympus1   
and our cellars are  not yet quite      
empty4 ,we will have a 99petit souper of
 ambrosia and  nectar40 8,my father6 my 
father6 did you not sign the pledge to  
abstain  from these heathen stimulants80
 8,my beloved ,son1 with whom ,i am not 
at  all well pleased1 go and swill water
 till you get the dropsy1 and permit  me
 to do as ,i like4 ,no wonder people    
think that ,i am failing when my  child 
and my mistress rule for me60    ,the   
,son went out1 shaking his head1 beating
 his breast1 scrubbing his  eyes1       
wringing his hands1 sobbing and         
murmuring piteously4 8,the poor old     
,god6 my dear old father6 ,ah1 how he is
 breaking6 ,alack1 he will not last     
long6 ,verily1 his wits are leaving him6
 ,many misfortunes and disasters  would 
be spared us were he to abdicate        

prudently at once4 ,or a regency  might 
do4 ,but the evil speakers and          
slanderers would say that ,i am         
ambitious4 ,i must get the matter       
judiciously insinuated to the ,privy    
,council4 ,alack6 alack60    8,let him  
go and try on his suit of lamb's wool   
for to-morrow10 said the  old monarch4  
8,i have got out of the rehearsal1 my   
friend2 ,i shall be  conspicuous by my  
absence2 there will be a dummy in my    
stead40 8,rather  perilous innovation1  
my ,lord2 the people may think that the 
dummy does  just as well1 that there is 
no need to support the original40 8,shut
 up1  shut up1 ,o1 my ,cur2 no more     
politics1 confound our politics6 ,it is 
,sunday1 so we must have none but       
chaplains here4 ,you may fetch ,friar   
,john and sweet ,dean ,swift and the    
amiable parson ,sterne1 and any other   
godly and devout and spiritual ministers
 you can lay hold of2 but don't  bring  
more than a pleiad40 8,with ,swift for  
the lost one2 he is cooling  his #8sva  

indignatio' in the ,devil's             
kitchen-furnace just now1  comforting   
poor ,addison1 who hasn't got quit for  
his death-bed brandy  yet40 8,a night of
 devotion will we have1 and of          
inextinguishable  laughter2 and with the
 old liquor we will pour out the old    
libations4  ,yea1 ,gargantuan shall be  
the feast2 and this night1 and          
to-morrow1 and  all next week1 and      
twelve days into the new year the hours 
shall reel  and roar with               
,pantagruelism4 ,quick1 for the guests1 
and ,i will order the  banquet60 8,with 
all my heart1 sire1 will ,i do this very
 thing4 ,parsons  and pastors1 pious and
 devout1 will ,i lead back1 choice and  
most elect  souls worthy of the old     
drink delectable4 ,and ,i will lock and 
double  bolt the door1 and first warm   
the chamber by burning all these        
devilish  books2 and will leave word    
with the angel on guard that we are not 
to be  called for three times seven     
days1 when all these ,christmas         

fooleries  and mummeries are long over4 
,amen4 ,selah4 ,au revoir4 ,tarry till  
,i  come40          ,a ,,word ,,on      
,,blasphemy4    7#ahfg47    ,this is one
 of our few and far-between outbursts of
 ,rabelasian laughter1  irresistibly    
provoked by the aggressive absurdities  
of theology2 and as  such ,i consider it
 thoroughly defensible4 ,in all         
seriousness ,i affirm  that its mockery 
is far less 8blasphemous0 than the      
solemn outrage on  reason1 the infernal 
damnation of all mankind who are        
sensible and sane  or who are even mad  
otherwise than the author1 the          
cold-blooded  dissection of the infinite
 and eternal ,god as a superior surgeon 
may  dissect an inferior corpse1        
perpetrated by its prototype the        
so-called  ,athanasian ,creed4 ,i do not
 see in what the statement that an old  
monkey  of the tribe once saw the tail  
of this great big monkey is more        
irreverent than that other statement how
 ,moses of the tribe of ,levi once  saw 

the back parts of the ,lord2 whom the   
,church believes to be a ,spirit        
infinite1 without parts1 a sort of      
omnipresent ther or supersubtle gas4    
,nor do ,i see that the monkey1 who is  
at least a natural animal1 is a  more   
outrageous symbol or emblem than the    
utterly unnatural ,lamb as it  had been 
slain1 with seven horns and seven eyes1 
encompassed by all 8the  menagerie of   
the ,apocalypse40 ,it would be easy to  
produce1 ,i think1  mockeries far more  
insulting1 buffooneries far more bitter 
and  malignant1 lavished upon ,paganism1
 ,socinianism1 ,atheism1 and many       
another ism1 in the works of the most   
saintly divines4 ,the hierarchy  of     
,olympus is more venerable than the     
triune ,lord of the ,new ,jerusalem2    
yet how is it treated in our most       
popular burlesques8 ,i go to a theatre  
and find a ,christian audience1 very    
tenderly sensitive as to their own      
religious feelings rolling with laughter
 and thundering applause at the         

representation of a ballet-girl ,jupiter
 ascending in a car like a  monstrous   
coal-scuttle1 with a deboshed mechanical
 eagle nodding its  head tipsily to the 
pit2 a male ,minerva1 spectacles on     
nose1 who takes  sly gulps from a gin   
bottle and dances a fish-fag carmagnole2
 a ,bacchus  sprawling about drunken and
 brutish as ,caliban2 all uttering      
idiotic  puns and singing idiotic songs4
 ,and if other mythologies were equally 
familiar1 they would doubtless be       
maltreated with equal contempt4 ,you    
thus deliver over to your dismal comic  
writers1 to your clowns and             
merry-andrews and bayaderes1 the gods of
 ,homer and schylus1 of  ,herodotus1    
,pindar and ,phidias1 you the           
sanctimonious and reverent modern       
,britons2 and you cry out aghast against
 8atrocious blasphemy0 touching a       
,divinity1 who was first the            
anthropomorphic clan-god of a petty     
,syrian  tribe1 who grew afterwards into
 a vague ,ormuzd with the devil for     

,ahriman when this tribe had been       
captive in ,babylonia1 whom you have    
filched from this tribe which you still 
detest and disdain1 with whom  you have 
associated two colleagues declared by   
this tribe 7which surely  ought to know 
best7 utterly spurious1 whom you worship
 with rites  borrowed from old pagans   
you decry1 and discuss in divinity      
borrowed  from old philosophers and     
schoolmen you sneer at2 who gave to his 
tribe  some millenniums back laws which 
you preserve in the filched book of     
your idolatry1 but which not one of you 
dare read to his wife and  children2    
whose son and colleague gave you laws   
which are certainly  readable enough1   
but which you are so far from obeying   
that you would  assuredly consign to    
,bedlam any one seeking to act upon them
 perfectly4    ,but mockery of the      
,olympians hurts no one's feelings1     
while mockery of  the ,tri-unity hurts  
the feelings of nearly all who hear or  
see it8 ,i  know that there are here and

 there a few pious and tender hearts1   
with  whom habitude has become nature2  
people who1 having less intellectual    
than cordial energy1 more affection and 
reverence than curiosity and            
self-reliance1 pour their whole melted  
nature into whatever religious  moulds  
chance to be nearest1 and harden to the 
exact shape and size of  the mould1 so  
that any blow struck upon it jars and   
wounds them2 and the  feelings of these 
,i should be very loth to hurt4 ,i care 
not for  propagandism in general1 and in
 such cases above all propagandism is   
certainly useless4 ,why seek to convert 
women to a struggling faith8 ,let  the  
women be always on the victorious side1 
let the men do the fighting  and endure 
the hardships4 ,when their struggling   
faith has conquered such  triumph as it 
merits1 they will find the women all at 
once in agreement  with them1 converted 
not by ideas 7for which women care not  
an  apple-dumpling7 but by feminine love
 and loyalty to manhood4 ,one must      

always be very loth1 ,i say1 to wound   
the feelings of the pious and  tender   
hearts1 of the beautiful feminine souls2
 and fortunately these  love to seclude 
themselves in tranquillity1 avoiding    
debates and  controversies4 ,whose      
religious feelings1 then1 are likely to 
be wounded  by 8atrocious blasphemies10 
by 8blasphemous indecencies08 ,the      
feelings  of 8the gentle spirit of our  
meek ,review10 the benign and holy      
,saturday6 ,the feelings of tract       
distributors1 scripture-readers1        
polemical parsons1 all those in general 
who violate every courtesy of  life to  
thrust their narrowminded dogmas upon   
others1 and who preach  everlasting     
damnation against people too sensible to
 care for their  ranting6 ,they outrage 
our reason1 they vilify our human       
nature1 they  blaspheme our world1 they 
pollute our flesh1 and they wind up by  
dooming  us to eternal torture because  
we differ from them3 these trifles are1 
of  course1 not supposed to hurt our    

feelings4 ,we endeavor to enthrone      
human reason1 to ennoble human nature1  
to restore the human body to its  pure  
dignity1 to develop the beauty and glory
 of the world2 and we wind  up1 not by  
retorting upon them their fiendish      
curses1 not even by  laughing at the    
idea of an almighty and all-good ,god1  
but by laughing at  their notions of an 
almighty and all-good ,god1 who has a   
,hell ready for  the vast majority of   
us3 this horrible laugh lacerates their 
pious  sensibilities1 and we hear the   
venomous whine of 8atrocious blasphemy40
  ,after condemning us to death they    
commit us for contempt of court1 which  
surely is an anomalous procedure6       
,you can mock the ,grecian mythology1   
you can burlesque ,shakespeare1  without
 wounding any pious heart8 ,no3 ,olympus
 is as sacred to many as  ,mount ,sion  
is to you2 our own ,shakespeare is as   
venerable and dear to us  as to you that
 bundle of dissimilar anonymous         
treatises which you have  made coherent 

by help of the bookbinder and called the
 ,book of ,books4  ,and mark this2 the  
,grecian mythology is dead1 is no longer
 aggressive in  its absurdities2 the    
priestcraft and the foul rites have long
 since  perished1 the beauty and the    
grace and the splendor remain4 ,but your
  composite theology is still alive1 is 
insolently aggressive1 its lust  for    
tyrannical dominion is unbounded2       
therefore we must attack it if we  would
 not be enslaved by it4 ,the cross is a 
sublime symbol2 ,i would no  more think 
of treating it with disrespect while it 
held itself aloft in  the serene heaven 
of poetry than of insulting the bow of  
,phoebus ,apollo  or the thunderbolts of
 ,zeus2 but if coarse hands will insist 
on pulling  it down upon my back as a   
ponderous wooden reality1 what can ,i do
 but  fling it off as a confounded      
burden not to be borne8    ,and now let 
us consider for a moment the meaning of 
this word  8blasphemy10 which is the    
burden of the ,s4 ,r4's slanderous song2

 not  the legal meaning1 but the        
philosophic1 the sense in which it would
 be  used by enlightened and fair       
controversialists4 ,the most ,christian 
,s4  ,r4 says to the ,atheistic         
,iconoclast1 ,you blaspheme4 ,whom8 ,the
 ,christian  ,god6 ,and the ,s1 ,r4 does
 not appear to see that it is assuming  
the very  existence of ,god which is in 
dispute between itself and ,iconoclast6 
,for  the ,atheist1 ,god is a figment1  
nothing2 in blaspheming ,god he         
therefore  blasphemes nothing4 ,a man   
really blasphemes when he mocks1        
insults1  pollutes1 vilifies that which 
he really believes to be holy and awful4
  ,thus a ,christian who really believes
 in the ,christian ,god 7and there  may 
be a hundred such ,christians in        
,england7 can be guilty of  blasphemy   
against that ,god1 whether that ,god    
really subsists or not2 for  such a     
,christian in mocking or vilifying ,god 
would really be violating  the most     
sacred convictions of his own nature4   

,speaking philosophically1  an honest   
,atheist can no more blaspheme ,god than
 an honest ,republican  can be disloyal 
to a ,king1 than an unmarried man can be
 guilty of  conjugal infidelity4        
,this 8,word on ,blasphemy10 as ,i have 
ventured to call it1 is      from a long
 article on the ,saturday ,review and   
the ,national      ,reformer1 the rest  
of which was of merely temporary        
interest1      and that only to the     
readers of those two journals4 ,the     
8outburst of ,rabelasian laughter0 which
 so provoked the      ,saturday ,review1
 was a short satire on ,christian       
theology and      priestcraft1 entitled 
8,the ,fanatical ,monkeys10 ascribed to 
,charles ,southwell1 and just then      
published in the ,national              
,reformer4--,editor4          ,,heine   
,,on ,,an ,,illustrious ,,exile ,,with  
,,something ,,about ,,whales      7,from
 the 8,de l',allemagne407 7#ahfg47      
,neptune is still the monarch of the    
empire of the seas1 and ,pluto          

7although metamorphosed into the ,devil7
 has retained the throne of  ,tartarus4 
,they have both been more lucky than    
their brother ,jupiter1 who  had to     
suffer specially the vicissitudes of    
fortune4 ,this third son of  ,saturn1   
who after the fall of his sire assumed  
the sovereignty of the  heavens1 reigned
 for a long series of years on the      
summit of ,olympus1  surrounded by a    
jovial court of high and of most high   
gods and demigods1  as well as on high  
and of most high goddesses and          
nymphs--their celestial  ladies of the  
bedchamber and maids of honor1 who all  
led a joyous life1  replete with        
ambrosia and nectar1 despising the      
clowns attached to the  soil down here1 
and taking no thought of the morrow4    
,alas1 when the  reign of the ,cross1   
the empire of suffering1 was proclaimed1
 the supreme  ,chronide emigrated and   
disappeared amidst the tumult of the    
barbarian  tribes which invaded the     
,roman world4 ,all traces of the ex-,god

 were  lost1 and ,i have questioned in  
vain old chronicles and old women2 no   
one  has been able to furnish me with   
any information as to his destiny4 ,i   
have burrowed in many a library1 where  
,i made them bring me the most          
magnificent codex enriched with gold and
 jewels1 veritable odalisques  in the   
harem of science2 and as is the custom1 
,i here render my public  thanks to the 
erudite eunuchs who1 without too much   
grumbling and  sometimes even with      
affability1 have given me access to     
these luminous  treasures confided to   
their care4 ,i am now convinced that the
 middle  ages have not bequeathed to us 
any traditions concerning the fate of   
,jupiter after the fall of ,paganism4   
,all that ,i have been able to  discover
 in connection with this subject is the 
history told me long ago  by my friend  
,niels ,andersen4    ,i have just       
mentioned ,niels ,andersen1 and this    
good figure1 at once so  droll and so   
lovable1 emerges all riant in my memory4

 ,i must devote a  few lines to him     
here4 ,for the rest1 ,i like to indicate
 my authorities  and to show their good 
or bad qualities1 in order that the     
reader may be  in a position to judge   
himself how far these authorities       
deserve to be  trusted4    ,niels       
,andersen1 born at ,drontheim1 in       
,norway1 was one of the most  skilful   
and intrepid whalers ,i have ever known4
 ,it is to him that ,i am  indebted for 
what knowledge ,i have of the whale     
fishery4 ,he taught me  all the         
subtleties of the art2 he made me       
acquainted with all the  stratagems and 
dodges which the intelligent animal     
employs to baffle  these subtle snares  
and make its escape4 ,it was ,niels     
,andersen who  taught me the management 
of the harpoon2 he showed me how you    
should fix  the knee of the right leg   
against the gun-whale of the boat when  
launching the harpoon1 and how with the 
left leg you launch a vigorous  kick at 
the imbecile sailor who don't pay out   

quickly enough the rope  attached to the
 harpoon4 ,to him ,i owe all1 and if ,i 
have not become a  famous whaler the    
fault rests neither with ,niels         
,andersen nor with  myself1 but with my 
evil star1 which has never allowed me in
 the course  of my life to encounter any
 whale with which ,i might have engaged 
in  honorable combat4 ,i have only      
encountered vulgar stockfish and        
miserable  herrings4 ,of what use is the
 best harpoon when you have to deal with
 a  herring8 ,now that my limbs are     
paralysed ,i must renounce for ever the 
hope of pursuing whales4 ,when at       
,ritzebuttel1 near ,cuxhaven1 ,i made   
the  acquaintance of ,niels ,andersen4  
,he was scarcely more nimble himself1   
for  off the coast of ,senegal a young  
shark1 which no doubt took his right    
leg for a stick of barley sugar1 had    
snapped it off with a snap of his       
teeth4 ,since then poor ,niels ,andersen
 went limping upon an artificial  leg   
manufactured from one of the firs of his

 country1 and which he  extolled as a   
masterpiece of ,norwegian carpentry4    
,his greatest pleasure  at this period  
was to perch himself on the top of a    
large empty barrel1  on the belly of    
which he drummed away with his wooden   
leg4 ,i often  helped him to climb upon 
this barrel2 but sometimes1 when he     
wished to  get down again1 ,i would not 
give him my help except on the condition
  that he told me one of his curious    
traditions of the ,arctic ,sea4    ,as  
,mahomet-,ebn-,mansour commences all his
 poems with a eulogy of the  horse1 so  
,niels ,andersen prefaced all his       
narratives with a panegyrical           
enumeration of the qualities of the     
whale4 ,he of course commenced with     
such a panegyric the legend we give     
here4    8,the whale10 he said1 8is not 
only the largest1 but also the most     
magnificent of animals2 the two jets of 
water leaping from his nostrils1  placed
 at the top of his head1 give him the   
appearance of a fountain1  and produce a

 magical effect1 above all at night1 in 
the moonshine4  ,moreover1 this beast is
 sympathetic4 ,he has a good character  
and much  taste for conjugal life4 ,it  
is a touching sight10 he added1 8to see 
a  family of whales grouped around its  
venerable patriarch1 and couched  upon  
an enormous mass of ice1 basking in the 
sun4 ,sometimes the young  ones begin to
 frisk and romp1 and at length all      
plunge into the sea to  play at         
hide-and-seek among the immense         
ice-blocks4 ,the purity of  manners and 
the chastity of the whales should be    
attributed less to  moral principles    
than to the iciness of the water wherein
 they  continually sport4 ,nor can it1  
unhappily1 be denied10 went on ,niels   
,anderson1 8that they have not any pious
 sentiment1 that they are totally       
devoid of religion44440    8,i believe  
this is an error10 ,i cried1            
interrupting my friend4 8,i have  lately
 read the report of a ,dutch missionary1
 wherein he describes the  magnificence 

of the creation1 which1 according to    
him1 reveals itself  even in the polar  
regions at the hour of sunrise1 and when
 the teams of  day1 transfiguring the   
gigantic rocks of ice1 make them        
resemble those  castles of diamonds we  
read of in fairy tales4 ,all this beauty
 of the  creation1 in the judgment of   
the good dominie1 is a proof of the     
power  of ,god which influences every   
living creature1 so that not only man1  
but  likewise a great brute of a fish1  
ravished by this spectacle1 adores the  
,creator and addresses to him its       
prayers4 ,the dominie assures us that   
he has seen with his own eyes a whale   
which held itself erect against  the    
wall of a block of ice1 and swayed the  
upper part of its body as men  do in    
prayer40    ,niels ,andersen admitted   
that he had himself seen whales which1  
propping  themselves against a cliff of 
ice1 indulged in movements very similar 
to  those we remark in the oratories of 
the various religious sects1 but he     

maintained that devotion has nothing to 
do with this phnomenon4 ,he  explained  
it on physiological grounds2 he called  
my attention to the  fact that the      
whale1 this ,chimborazo of animals1 has 
beneath its skin  strata of fat of a    
depth so prodigious that a single whale 
often  furnishes a hundred to a hundred 
and fifty barrels of tallow and oil4    
,these layers of fat are so thick that  
while the colossus sleeps1  stretched at
 its full length upon an icefield1      
hundreds of water rats  can come and    
settle in it4 ,these convives immensely 
larger and more  voracious than the rats
 of the mainland1 lead joyous life under
 the skin  of the whale1 where day and  
night they gorge themselves with the    
most  delicious fat without being       
obliged to quit their holes4 ,these     
banquets  of vermin at length trouble   
their involuntary host and even cause   
him  excessive sufferings4 ,not having  
hands as we have1 who1 ,god be thanked1 
can scratch ourselves when we feel an   

itching1 the whale tries to  mitigate   
his pangs by placing himself against the
 protruding and sharp  angles of a rock 
of ice1 and by there rasping his back   
with a real  fervor and with vigorous   
movements up and down1 as we see the    
dogs  rasping their skin against a      
bed-post when the fleas bite them       
overmuch4  ,now in these movements the  
good dominie thought he saw the edifying
  act of prayer1 and he attributed to   
devotion the jerkings occasioned by  the
 orgies of the rats4 ,enormous as is the
 quantity of oil in the whale1  it has  
not the least religious sentiment4 ,it  
is only among animals of  mediocre      
stature that we find any religion2 the  
very great1 the  creatures gigantic like
 the whale are not endowed with it4     
,what can be  the reason8 ,is it that   
they cannot find a church sufficiently  
spacious  to afford them entrance into  
its pale8 ,nor have the whales any taste
 for  the prophets1 and the one which   
swallowed ,jonah was not able to digest 

that great preacher2 seized with nausea1
 it vomited him after three  days4 ,most
 certainly that proves the absence of   
all religious sentiment  in these       
monsters4 ,the whale1 therefore1 would  
never choose an ice-block  for          
prayer-cushion1 and sway itself in      
attitudes of devotion4 ,it adores  as   
little the true ,god who resides above  
there in heaven1 as the false  pagan god
 who dwells near the arctic pole1 in the
 ,isle of the ,rabbits1  where the dear 
beast goes sometimes to pay him a visit4
    8,what is this ,isle of ,rabbits80  
,i asked ,niels ,andersen4 ,drumming on 
the barrel with his wooden leg1 he      
answered1 8,it is exactly in this isle  
that the events took place of which ,i  
am going to tell you4 ,i am not  able to
 give you its precise geographical      
position4 ,since its first  discovery no
 one has been able to visit it again2   
the enormous mountains  of ice          
accumulated around it bar the approach4 
,once only has it been  visited1 by the 

crew of a ,russian whaler driven        
by-tempests into those  northern        
latitudes1 and that was more than a     
hundred years ago4 ,when  these sailors1
 reached it with their ship they found  
it deserted and  uncultivated4 ,sickly  
stalks of broom swayed sadly upon the   
quicksands2  here and there were        
scattered some dwarf shrubs and stunted 
firs  crouching on the sterile soil4    
,rabbits ran about everywhere in great  
numbers2 and this is the reason the     
sailors call the islet the ,isle of     
,rabbits4 ,a cabin1 the only one they   
discovered1 announced the presence  of a
 human being4 ,when the mariners had    
entered the hut they saw an old  man1   
arrived at the most extreme decrepitude 
and miserably muffled in  rabbit skins4 
,he was seated upon a stone settle1 and 
warmed his thin  hands and trembling    
knees at the grate where some brushwood 
was burning4  ,at his right hand stood a
 monstrously large bird1 which seemed to
 be an  eagle2 but the moulting of time 

had so cruelly stripped it that only the
  great stiff main-plumes of its wings  
were left1 so that the aspect of  this  
naked animal was at once ludicrous and  
horribly ugly4 ,on the left  of the old 
man was couched upon the ground an aged 
bald-skinned she-got1  yet with a gentle
 look1 and which1 in spite of its great 
age1 had the  dugs swollen with milk and
 the teats fresh and rosy4    8,among   
the sailors who had landed on the ,isle 
of ,rabbits there were some  ,greeks1   
and one of these1 thinking that the man 
of the hut could not  understand his    
tongue1 said to his comrades in ,greek1 
#8,this queer old  fellow must be either
 a ghost or an evil spirit4' ,at these  
words the old  man trembled and rose    
suddenly from his seat1 and the sailors1
 to their  great astonishment1 saw a    
lofty and imposing figure1 which1 with  
imperious and even majestic dignity1    
held itself erect in spite of the       
weight of years1 so that the head       
reached the rafters of the roof4 ,his   

lineaments1 though worn and ravaged1    
conserved traces of beauty2 they  were  
noble and perfectly regular4 ,thin locks
 of silver hair fell upon  the forehead 
wrinkled by pride and by age2 his eyes1 
though glazed and  lustreless1 darted   
keen regards1 and his finely-curved lips
 pronounced  in the ,greek language1    
mingled with many archaisms1 these words
 resonant  and harmonious3--#8,you are  
mistaken1 young man1 ,i am neither a    
spectre nor  an evil spirit2 ,i am an   
unfortunate who has seen better days4   
,but  you--what are you4'    8,at this  
demand the seamen acquainted their host 
with the accident which  had driven them
 out of their course1 and they begged   
him to tell them  all about the isle4   
,but the old man could give them but    
scant  information4 ,he told them that  
from immemorial times he had dwelt in   
this isle1 of which the ramparts of ice 
offered him a sure refuge  against his  
implacable enemies1 who had usurped his 
legitimate rights2  that his main       

subsistence was derived from the rabbits
 with which the  isle abounded2 that    
every year1 at the season when the      
floating  ice-blocks formed a compact   
mass1 troops of savages in sledges      
visited  him1 who1 in exchange for his  
rabbit skins1 gave him all sorts of     
articles most necessary to life4 ,the   
whales1 he said1 which now and then     
approached his isle1 were his favorite  
society4 ,nevertheless1 he added  that  
he felt much pleasure at this moment in 
speaking his native  language1 being    
,greek by birth4 ,he begged his         
compatriots to inform him  as to the    
then state of ,greece4 ,he learnt with a
 malicious joy1 badly  dissimulated1    
that the ,cross once surmounting the    
towers of the ,hellenic  cities had been
 shattered2 he showed less satisfaction 
when they told  him that this ,christian
 symbol had been replaced by the        
,crescent4 ,the  most singular thing was
 that none of the seamen knew the names 
of the  towns concerning which he       

questioned them1 and which1 according to
 him1  had been flourishing cities in   
his time4 ,on the other hand1 the names 
by  which the seamen designated the     
towns and villages of modern ,greece    
were  completely unknown to him2 and the
 old man shook his head often1 as if    
quite overwhelmed1 and the sailors      
looked at each other with wonder4  ,they
 saw well that he knew perfectly the    
localities of the country1 even  to the 
minutest details2 for he described      
clearly and exactly the gulfs1  the     
peninsulas1 the capes1 often even1 the  
most insignificant hills and  isolated  
groups of rocks4 ,his ignorance of the  
commonest typographical  names1         
therefore astonished them all the more4 
8,the old man asked1 with the most      
lively interest1 and even with a        
certain anxiety1 about an ancient       
temple1 which1 he said1 had been of  old
 the grandest in all ,greece4 ,none of  
his hearers recognised the  name11 which
 he pronounced with tender emotion4 ,at 

last11 when he had  minutely described  
the place where this1 monument stood1 a 
young seaman  suddenly recognised the   
spot4 #8,the village where ,i was born1'
 he  exclaimed1 #8is situated precisely 
there4 ,during my childhood ,i have long
  watched there the pigs of my father4  
,on this site there are1 in fact1  the  
ruins of very ancient constructions1    
which must have been incredibly         
magnificent4 ,here and there you see    
some columns still erect2 they are      
isolated or connected by fragments of   
roofing1 whence hang tendrils of        
honeysuckle and red bind-weeds4 ,other  
columns1 some of them red marble1  lie  
fractured on the grass4 ,the ivy has    
invaded their superb capitals1  formed  
of flowers and foliage delicately       
chiselled4 ,great slabs of  marble1     
squared fragments of wall and triangular
 pieces of roofing1 are  scattered      
about1 half-buried in the earth4 ,i have
 often1 continued the  young man1       
#8passed hours at a time in examining   

the combats and the  games1 the dances  
and the processions1 the beautiful and  
ludicrous  figures which are sculptured 
there4 ,unfortunately these sculptures  
are  much injured by time1 and are      
covered with moss and creepers4 ,my     
father1  whom ,i once asked what these  
ruins were1 told me that they were the  
remnants of an ancient temple1 of old   
inhabited by a ,pagan ,god1 who not     
only indulged in the most gross         
debaucheries1 but who was1 moreover1    
guilty of incest and other infamous     
vices2 that in their blindness the      
idolators had1 nevertheless1 immolated  
oxen1 often by hundreds1 at the  foot of
 his altar4 ,my father assured me that  
we still saw the marble  basin wherein  
they had gathered the blood of the      
victims1 and that it  was precisely the 
trough to which ,i frequently led my    
swine to drink the  rain-water1 and in  
which ,i also preserved the refuse which
 my animals  devoured with so much      
appetite4'    8,when the young sailor   

had thus spoken1 the old man gave a deep
 sigh of  the most bitter anguish2 he   
sank nerveless upon the stone seat1 and 
hiding his visage in his hands1 wept    
like a child4 ,the bird at his side     
emitted terrible cries1 spread its      
enormous wings1 and menaced the         
strangers with talons and beak4 ,the    
she-goat moaned and licked the hands  of
 her master1 whose sorrows she seemed   
trying to comfort by her humble         
caresses4 ,at this sight a strange      
trouble swelled in the hearts of the    
seamen2 they hastily quitted the hut1   
and did not feel at ease until  they    
could no more hear the sobbings of the  
old man1 the croakings of  the hideous  
bird1 and the bleatings of the goat4    
,when they got on board  their vessel   
again they related their adventures4    
,among the crew there  chanced to be a  
scholar1 who declared that it was an    
event of the  highest importance4       
,applying with a sagacious air his right
 forefinger  to his nose1 he assured the

 seamen that the old man of the ,isle of
  ,rabbits was beyond all doubt the     
ancient god ,jupiter1 son of ,saturn and
  ,rhea1 once sovereign lord of the     
gods2 that the bird which they had seen 
at his side was evidently the famous    
eagle which used to bear the            
thunderbolts in its talons2 and that1 in
 all probability1 the goat was  the old 
nurse ,amalthea1 which had of old       
suckled the god in the isle of  ,crete1 
and which now continued to nourish him  
with its milk in the ,isle  of          
,rabbits40    ,such was the history of  
,niels ,andersen1 and it made my heart  
bleed4 ,i  will not dissemble2 already  
his revelations concerning the secret   
sufferings of the whale had profoundly  
saddened me4 ,poor animal6 against  this
 vile mob of rats1 which house          
themselves in your body and gnaw you    
incessantly1 no remedy avails1 and you  
carry them about with you to the  end of
 your days2 rush as you will to the     
north and to the south1 rasp  yourself  

against the ice-rocks of the two poles1 
you can never get rid  of these         
villainous rats8 ,but pained as ,i had  
been by the outrage  wreaked upon the   
poor whales1 my soul was infinitely more
 troubled by  the tragical fate of this 
old man who1 according to the           
mythological  theory of the learned     
,russian1 was the heretofore ,king of   
the gods1  ,jupiter the ,chronide4 ,yes1
 he1 even he1 was subject to the        
fatality of  ,destiny1 from which not   
the immortals themselves can escape2 and
 the  spectacle of such calamities      
horrifies us1 in filling us with pity   
and  indignation4 ,be ,jupiter1 be the  
sovereign lord of the world1 the frown  
of whose brows made tremble the         
universe6 be chanted by ,homer1 and     
sculptured by ,phidias in gold and      
ivory2 be adored by a hundred nations   
during long centuries2 be the lover of  
,semele1 of ,danae1 of ,europa1 of      
,alcmena1 of ,io1 of ,leda1 of ,calisto6
 and after all1 nothing will remain  at 

the end but a decrepit old man1 who to  
gain his miserable livelihood  has to   
turn dealer in rabbit skins1 like any   
poor ,savoyard4 ,such a  spectacle will 
no doubt give pleasure to the vile      
multitude1 which  insults to-day that   
which it adored yesterday4 ,perhaps     
among these  worthy people are to be    
found some of the descendants of those  
unlucky  bulls which were of old        
immolated in hecatombs upon the altar of
  ,jupiter2 let such rejoice in his     
fall1 and mock him at their ease1 in    
revenge for the blood of their          
ancestors1 victims of idolatry2 as for  
me1 my soul is singularly moved1 and ,i 
am seized with dolorous  commiseration  
at the view of this august misfortune4  
,,the ,,daily ,,news      7#ahgd47    33
    8,ich hab' mein ,sach auf ,nichts   
gestellt1         ,juchhe6 ,drum ist's  
so wohl mir in der ,welt2               
,juchhe60--,gthe4           8,he got so 
subtle that to be ,nothing was all his  
glory40 ,shelley1         8,peter ,bell 

the ,third0    ,it is now some time     
since the ,daily ,news1 which1 perhaps  
with more  honor than profit1 and not   
seldom at great risk of its life1 had   
been  for many years a really leading   
,liberal journal1 fighting gallantly    
always in the van1 often in forlorn     
hopes1 took to heart a certain          
very-obvious truth4 ,it awoke fully to  
the fact that while a captain in  the   
forlorn hope or vanguard is constantly  
in great peril1 and has but  few        
supporters1 one with the main body is   
much less exposed and has many  more to 
help him4 ,weary and discouraged1 it    
resolved to fall back from  the front   
and join the mass of the army1 the      
myriads of the commonplace  and the     
timorous1 the legions of the rich and   
respectable1 the countless  hosts of the
 snobbery of ,bumbledom4 ,but in making 
this 8strategic  movement10 it is well  
aware that honor equal to the danger is 
attached  to the forlorn hope and the   
vanguard1 and it clung to the honor     

while  renouncing the danger1 and       
continued to call itself a leading      
,liberal  journal when it had quite     
given up the lead--nay1 continues thus  
to vaunt  itself still4 ,this is how    
some malicious people explain the       
altered  position of the ,daily ,news   
and its growing number of supporters1   
or1 in  the language of periodicals1 its
 increasing circulation4 ,now1 say these
  impatient and intemperate persons1 a  
paper is free to serve ,bumble 7as      
nearly all papers do71 or to serve      
,progress1 the enemy of ,bumble2 but it 
has no right1 while serving the one1 to 
claim the merit of serving the  other4  
,this ,daily ,news1 they go on1 which   
still dares to call itself  ,liberal1 is
 now just as liberal as the jester's    
,garrick1 who used to set  out with     
generous intentions1 and was scared back
 at the corner of the  street by the    
ghost of a ha'penny4 ,in its case it is 
the ghost of a  penny1 the ghost of the 
representative penny of all the pennies 

ready to  buy vapid twaddle1 but not    
earnest thought4    ,for my own part1   
however1 ,i find the ,daily ,news still 
really liberal1  and1 in fact1 extremely
 liberal4 ,it is liberal in long special
 telegrams  and interminable ,jenkins   
letters about the most insignificant    
movements  and actions of royal         
personages4 ,it is equally liberal in   
reticence1  slightly tempered by sneers1
 as to all advanced movements1 all      
unpopular  principles and their         
champions4 ,it is liberal in the space  
it gives to  all fashionable            
frivolities1 sports and pastimes1 to all
 the bagatelles  of life4 ,if it has not
 a paragraph to spare for a ,radical    
meeting1 it  has always columns at the  
command of boat races1 yacht races1     
horse  races1 cricket and polo matches1 
and the like important events1 as well  
as other columns for the gossip of clubs
 and the babble of society4 ,it  is     
liberal in hopefulness that wrong may be
 right1 falsehood truth1 evil  good4 ,it

 is very liberal in soft phrases1 and in
 8passages that lead to  nothing40      
,nothing1 indeed1 is the great end of   
its endeavor2 for what  alteration can  
be needed by a world in which the       
circulation of the  ,daily ,news is     
continually increasing8 ,unless1        
perchance1 as the  circulation is       
already 8world-wide10 the world will    
have to be extended  in order to        
accommodate it4 ,but this concerns      
,father ,god or ,mother  ,nature1 not   
mere mortals4 ,all these liberalities ,i
 could amply  illustrate did space      
permit2 as it is1 ,i can give but an    
instance each  to the first two4 ,the   
,prince of ,wales being in ,france1     
amusing himself  like any other man who 
has money and leisure1 8,the ,prince of 
,wales in  ,france--,special10 heads its
 placards in the largest letters4 ,on   
the other  hand1 ,i heard one of our    
three or four greatest writers1 ,garth  
,wilkinson1 declare at a public meeting 
that he had written several  letters to 

it on a subject then agitating the      
public mind1 but that he  could as      
easily get a letter into the moon as    
into the ,daily ,news4 ,yet  the subject
 was medical2 and ,garth ,wilkinson is  
not only one of our  greatest writers   
and thinkers1 but also an ,m4,d4 and    
,f4,r4,s41 who has  practised for ,i    
know not how much more than a quarter of
 a century4 ,to  refuse his letters on  
that matter was like refusing to hear   
,carlyle on  ,cromwell or ,darwin on    
,natural ,selection4 ,why1 then1 did the
 ,daily ,news  reject them8 ,for the    
simply sufficient reason that they      
advocated the  unpopular side of the    
question4    ,yes1 it is still liberal  
and beyond measure liberal in these and 
many  other respects4 ,it has still     
great care of the people--to keep aloof 
from  them2 it loves them more than     
ever--at a distance4 ,it still belongs  
to  the ,left--in the rear4 ,it is still
 of the ,mountain1 only it has descended
  to provision itself2 as the sage rhyme

 runs1        8,the mountain sheep were 
sweeter1      ,but the valley sheep were
 fatter2      ,we therefore deemed it   
meeter      ,to carry off the latter40  
,it is still ,radical1 having a rooted  
love of ease and hatred of  disturbance4
 ,it is still revolutionary1 but has    
resolved that henceforth  revolutions   
shall be made with rose-water1 and      
omelettes without  breaking of4444      
,while thus freely acknowledging that in
 many things the ,daily ,news is  now   
more liberal than ever it was1 ,i must  
also record my admiration for  its      
strenuous endeavors to assume an air of 
aristocratic refinement and  repose4    
,from its serene indifference to the    
troubles of vulgar humanity1  from the  
languid lisp and drawl of its voice1    
from its perpetual  allusions to the    
luxuries and enjoyments of the wealthy  
and noble1 one  readily divines that its
 staff1 like the staff of my ,lord      
,chamberlain or  other court lackey1 can
 move only in the highest circles2 but  

whether  its members are admitted into  
these as gentlemen or as gentlemen's    
gentlemen1 ,i must leave for those      
familiar with such circles to declare4  
,this is certain1 that they flit about  
amidst a lordly festival in the  gay and
 careless fashion of men who have no    
thought save of enjoying  themselves2   
not like poor devils who have duties    
which1 though better  paid1 are as      
onerous and strictly subservient to the 
gathering as those  of the waiters or   
the footmen4 ,it must surely be by a    
mere afterthought1  and purely for their
 own amusement1 that they throw off a   
description of  the scene and an account
 of what occurred there4 ,by the bye1 it
 is  rumored that the staff has been    
thoroughly changed of late years4 ,the  
old members were able enough1 but they  
were too coarse1 too loud1 too  violent1
 too opiniative1 too much given to      
discussing important  questions as if   
they really cared for the same4 ,their  
manners especially  could not be endured

 ,one entered the ,editor's sanctum     
7which had then  just been refurnished  
under the supervision of the ,count of  
,monte  ,cristo7 in his wet boots1      
although embroidered slippers were      
provided at  the foot of the stairs4    
,another exploded with a 8,damned old   
idiot60 on  reading the charge of one of
 our ,right ,reverend ,fathers in ,god4 
,another  was caught smoking a clay pipe
 over a pint of beer1 although narghils 
and hookahs and the choicest cigarettes1
 with unlimited supplies of the  most   
costly wines and liqueurs1 are always   
set out for the staff and  such visitors
 as are admitted to the inner offices4  
,the ,daily ,news  wrote to my ,lord    
,chief ,justice demanding that this     
fellow should be sent  without trial to 
keep company with ,arthur ,orton1 and   
for all ,i know the  ,chief ,justice    
humbly obeyed4 ,another was seen walking
 arm-in-arm with  the ,editor of the    
,times1 and was of course instantly     
dismissed1 the  ,daily ,news writing to 

warn the man of the other journal4      
,this1 ,i am assured1 is historical     
fact1 to which the ,editor of the       
,times will bear witness1 if he be not  
ashamed to avow what may seem to  hurt  
his dignity4 ,for these and the like    
offences the old members have  been all 
dismissed4    ,it is said to be a       
peculiarity of the ,daily ,news that all
 the leading  articles are manufactured 
on the premises1 if ,i may venture on a 
shop  phrase in such a connection4 ,i   
have spoken of the luxury of the        
,editor's  sanctum1 which is a large and
 noble apartment4 ,the leader-writers   
are  borne to the office in closed      
carriages1 with double or triple windows
  and india-rubber tires1 lest some rude
 oath1 or nasty smell1 or even the  loud
 noise of the streets should shock them 
into hysterics1 or at least  so unstring
 their nerves as to render writing      
impossible for the day4 ,in  the        
sumptuous boudoir-sanctum1 lounging1    
smoking1 and sipping1 they  receive on  

silver salvers telegrams from all parts 
of the rolling globe1  with innumerable 
communications and documents1 written   
and printed2 and  such of these as they 
are pleased to look at tin ,epicurean   
gods3        8,for they lie beside their
 nectar1      and the bolts are hurled  
,far below them in the valleys40        
,they lie a good deal beside their      
nectar2 but their bolts are anything    
but thunderbolts4 ,thunderbolts6 ,the   
mere word would make these gasp and     
shudder4 ,they are not thunderbolts1    
they are not rockets1 they are not  even
 squibs2 they are bonbons and genuine   
confetti1 not your  confetti of the     
,carnival4        899,there99 they smile
 in secret1 looking over wasted lands1  
,blight and famine1 plague and          
earthquake1 roaring deeps and fiery     
sands1      ,clanging fights and flaming
 towns1 and sinking ships and praying   
hands4        ,but they smile1 they find
 a music centered in a doleful song     
,steaming up1 a lamentation and an      

ancient tale of wrong1      ,like a tale
 of little meaning1 tho the words are   
strong2        ,chanted from an illused 
race of men that cleave the soil1       
,sow the seed and reap the harvest with 
enduring toil1      ,storing yearly     
little dues of wheat1 and wine and oil40
    ,naturally these lofty beings smile2
 for what have they to do with the      
cares and woes1 the hopes and fears of  
ordinary mortals8 ,besides1  battles and
 shipwrecks1 disasters and convulsions1 
make the best of  copy2 and the music   
centred in the doleful song is a hymn of
 triumph1  with the glorious refrain1   
8,our circulation is still increasing6  
,our  world-wide circulation continues  
to increase60 ,and surely the ill-used  
race of men that till the soil should be
 appeased and amply satisfied by  the   
showers of bonbons and sweetmeats the   
,daily ,news is always  flinging down4  
,it has more important duties to attend 
to than fighting  the battles and       
righting the wrongs of an ignorant1     

passionate1  unreasonable1 wretched     
rabble1 considerably addicted to dirt1  
drunkenness1 and vice4 ,for thirty hours
 at least in every twenty-four it  is in
 attendance on some ,royalty or another1
 or at the sports and  entertainments of
 8,society1 with a capital ,s40 ,it is  
said that the  8copy0 of these          
superlative writers1 who always wear kid
 gloves while  writing1 is written with 
golden pens and tinted and perfumed ink1
 on  perfumed and tinted paper4 ,it is  
moreover said that the journal itself   
is soon to be printed on vellum1 in the 
illuminated style1 with  arabesque      
borders4 ,it is also rumored that the   
,court ,journal and the  ,morning ,post1
 finding themselves quite outdone by the
 ,daily ,news1  and their occupation    
gone1 will shortly cease to appear4     
,i must not omit to mention that ,i have
 been told on authority1 which ,i       
incline to consider good1 that in the   
said gorgeous sanctum is  conspicuous a 
table of commandments1 wrought in       

letters of fine gold1  which            
commandments are these3    ,i4 ,thou    
shalt never be in earnest about         
anything1 and shalt abhor  enthusiasm4  
,,ii4 ,thou shalt not have a decided    
opinion on any subject4    ,,iii4 ,thou 
shalt never write an unqualified        
sentence1 or risk an  unmodified        
statement4    ,,iv4 ,thy style shall be 
always in the tone of a sweet murmur or 
soft  whisper2 a lullaby of peace for   
drowsy-headed ,bumbledom4    ,v4 ,thou  
shalt write with an air of assured      
superiority to everybody1 and           
everything4    ,,vi4 ,thou shalt ever   
bear in mind that there is no joy but   
calm1 and that  the supreme moral       
excellence is good taste1 which may be  
quite  compatible with meanness1        
servility1 and cowardice1 but cannot be 
compatible with the foolish fervor of   
zeal4    ,,vii4 ,thou shalt always      
mention and allude to as many persons1  
places1  and luxuries of high life as   
possible4    ,,viii4 ,thou shalt drag   

into every article three or four        
literary  citations or allusions1       
whether relevant or irrelevant1 in order
 to show  to the world thy culture4     
,,ix4 ,thou shalt carefully avoid       
mention of all ardent reformers and     
unpopular thinkers1 and their doings1   
save to lightly banter or coldly  rebuke
 them4    ,x4 ,thou shalt treat with    
profound respect and tenderness all the 
powers  that be1 and all popular        
opinions1 social1 political and         
religious1  however thou mayest contemn 
them in thy heart2 for great ,bumble is 
the  sole lord of large circulations1   
and only through his continued grace    
can our circulation continue to         
increase4    ,it is by assiduously      
conforming themselves to this most wise 
and holy  decalogue1 that the members of
 the staff of the ,daily ,news have     
become  such rare flowers of sweetness  
and light2 worthy of that serene        
,professor of ,haughty-culture1 ,matthew
 ,arnold himself1 ere he had            

perpetrated 8,literature and ,dogma40   
,but while1 in common with all the other
 worshippers of the ,daily ,news1  ,i   
exult in its world-wide and             
ever-increasing circulation1 ,i am      
haunted  by a horrible fear1 which ,i   
cannot conceal1 but will hint and       
whisper as  gently as possible4 ,when a 
stone falls into a pond--but no1 pond is
  vulgar--when a stone falls into a     
still lake1 the first small rings are   
clearly defined1 but the circlings as   
they enlarge grow fainter and  fainter1 
until at length they can no more be     
perceived4 ,now1 as all the  world      
knows1 our beloved and revered ,daily   
,news1 in its ever-increasing           
circulation1 has hitherto followed      
precisely the same law2 and my dread  is
 that it will continue to do so unto the
 utmost extremity1 becoming  ever more  
and more faint and undefined as the     
circulation increases1  until it shall  
altogether vanish away4 ,it is getting  
so refined that ,i  fear it will soon be

 fined away to nothing2 so delicate and 
dainty1 that  it is already unfit for   
this rough world1 whose slightest shock 
may kill  it2 so ethereal that its      
complete evaporation seems imminent2 so 
supernal that it must surely soon       
disappear1 absorbed into the ,empyrean4 
,may that good ,god1 who we have been   
told 8will think twice before  damning a
 person of quality10 think many1 many   
times before condemning  our fashionable
 world to such an irreparable loss6     
,,jesus3 ,,as ,,god2 ,,as ,a ,,man      
7#ahff47        8,these hereditary      
enemies of the ,truth444 have even had  
the      heart to degrade this first    
preacher of the ,mountain1 the purest   
hero of ,liberty2 for1 unable to deny   
that he was earth's      greatest man1  
they have made of him heaven's smallest 
god40--,heine3 ,reisbilder4    ,the     
doctrine of the divinity of ,jesus1     
which1 in whatever relation  regarded1  
is full of self-contradictions and      
absurdities1 is1 above all1  pernicious 

in its moral and spiritual results4     
,most myths have a certain              
justification in their beauty1 in their 
symbolism of high truth4 ,this  one     
distorts the beauty1 degrades the       
sublimity1 stultifies the meaning  of   
the facts and the character wherein it  
has been founded1 taking away  all true 
grandeur from ,jesus1 benumbing our love
 and reverence4    ,jesus1 as a man1    
commands my heart's best homage4 ,his   
words1 as reported  by the ,evangelists1
 are ever-flowing fountains of spiritual
  refreshments2 and ,i feel that he was 
in himself even far more wise and  good 
than he appears in the gospel4 ,what    
disciple could be expected to  report   
perfectly the words of a teacher so     
mystically sublime8 ,the  disciple      
intends and endeavors to report         
faithfully2 but when he hears  words    
which to him are without sense1 because 
they express some truth  whose sphere is
 beyond the reach of his vision1 he     
makes sense of them  by some slight     

change--slight as to the letter1 immense
 as to the spirit2  for the sense is a  
truth or truism of his own lower sphere4
 ,and when the  reports are not put into
 writing until many years after the     
words were  first uttered1 the changes  
will be important even as to the letter2
 for  a narrative from a man's mouth    
always alters year after year as much as
  the man himself alters1 for he        
continues grafting his own sense 7which 
may be deplorable nonsense7 upon words  
which have been spoken4 ,when we  find  
sentences of the purest beauty and      
wisdom in the records of a man's        
conversation1 we may safely proportion  
the whole philosophical character  of   
the speaker to such sentences4 ,they    
mark the altitude at which his  spirit  
loved to dwell4 ,we are but completing  
the circle from the  clearest           
fragment-arc left4 ,sentences of wisdom 
less exalted1 or of  apparent unwisdom1 
have perhaps been degraded by the       
reporter1 or have  been relative to     

circumstances which we cannot now learn 
thoroughly4    ,jesus as a man1 whose   
words have been recorded by fallible    
men1 is not  lowered in my esteem by    
such contradictions as ,i find between  
his  various speeches4 ,every proverb   
has its antagonist proverb1 each being  
true to a certain extent1 or in certain 
relations4 ,could we conceive an        
abstract intellect1 we might conceive it
 dwelling continually in the  sphere of 
abstract and absolute truth2 but no man1
 however wise1 dwells  continually in   
this sphere4 ,as a man living in the    
world1 his intellect  no less than his  
body lives in the relative and the      
conditioned1 and  naturally reflects the
 character of this sphere4 ,the wise man
 finds  himself surrounded and          
obstructed by certain concrete errors1  
and he  attacks these errors with       
relative truths4 ,were the errors of    
another  sort1 the truths commonly in   
his mouth would be of another sort too4 
,many wise men of different ages and    

countries are pitted against each  other
 as if their doctrines were             
fundamentally antagonistic1 while1 in   
truth1 their doctrines are essentially  
in unison1 and either would have  spoken
 or written much the same as the other  
had he lived in the same  circumstances4
 ,for a wise man only attacks the errors
 that are in his  way2 things which he  
never meets he can scarcely think of as 
obstructions4 ,hannibal1 whose business 
it is to get into ,italy from  ,gaul1   
sets about blasting the ,alps4          
,stephenson1 whose business it is to    
get from ,manchester to ,liverpool1 sets
 about filling up ,chat ,moss4 ,the     
same man1 who muffles himself in as many
 furs as he can get in  ,greenland1 will
 strip himself to a linen robe in       
,jamaica4 ,luther said  that the human  
mind is like a drunken peasant on       
horseback3 he is  rolling off on the    
right1 you push him up1 he then rolls   
over on the  left4 ,exactly so2 and     
because one sage1 seeing him roll down  

to the  right1 has pushed him up on the 
right1 while another sage1 seeing him   
roll down to the left1 has pushed him up
 on the left1 are the two sages  to be  
accounted antagonists8 ,now as a wise   
man in the course of his  existence     
meets errors of many sorts1 some of a   
quite opposite tendency  to others1 and 
as he proves his wisdom by applying to  
each error its  relative or pertinent   
truth1 the rule is almost rigidly exact3
 that the  wiser the man the more of    
apparent contradictions can be found in 
his  writings or conversation treating  
of actual life4    ,but deity is beyond 
the sphere of the relative and          
conditioned4 ,when  deity speaks and    
deity reports the speeches1 all should  
be absolute  truth transparently        
self-consistent1 else what advantage or 
gain have we  by the substitution of    
,god for ,man8 ,why bring in ,god to    
utter and record  what could have been  
as well uttered and recorded by man8    
,everything for which we love and       

venerate the man ,jesus becomes a bitter
  and absurd mockery when attributed to 
the ,lord ,christ4 ,the full heart is   
praising the man2 you turn him into     
,god1 a ruinous salvo is added to the   
praise4    ,he went about doing good3 if
 ,god1 why did he not do all good at    
once8 ,he  cured many sick3 if ,god1 why
 did he not give the whole world health8
 ,he  associated with publicans and     
sinners3 if ,god1 why did he make       
publicans  and sinners at all8 ,he      
preached the kingdom of heaven3 if ,god1
 why did  he not bring the kingdom with 
him and make all mankind fit for it8 ,he
  loved the poor1 he taught the         
ignorant3 if ,god1 why did he let any   
remain poor and ignorant8 ,he rebuked   
the ,pharisees and ,sadducees3 it  ,god1
 why did he not wholly purify them from 
formalism1 hypocrisy1 and  unbelief8 ,he
 died for love of mankind3 if ,god1 why 
did he not restore  mankind to himself  
without dying8 and what great thing was 
it to seem to  die for three days8 ,he  

sent apostles to preach salvation to all
 men3 if  ,god1 why did he not reveal it
 at once to all men1 and so reveal it   
that  doubt had been impossible8 ,he    
lived an example of holiness to us all3 
if  ,god1 how can our humanity imitate  
,deity8 ,and finally1 a question        
trampling down every assertion in his   
favor3 why did he ever let the  world   
get evil8    ,one is ashamed of         
repeating these things for the          
ten-thousandth time1  but they will have
 to be repeated occasionally1 so long as
 a vast  ecclesiastical system continues
 to rest on the foundations of the      
absurdities they oppugn4 ,and while one 
is grinding such chaff in the           
theological mill1 he may as well have a 
turn at the ,atonement1 which is1  in   
fact1 the essence of the dogma of the   
,incarnation4 ,no wonder this  poor     
,atonement has been attacked on all     
sides2 it invites attack2 one  may say  
that in every aspect it piteously       
implores us to attack it and  relieve it

 from the misery of its spectral        
existence4 ,it is so full of  breaches  
that one does not know where to storm4  
,i am content to note one aspect of this
 unfortunate mystery which1 so  far as  
,i am aware1 has been seldom studied4   
,the whole scheme of the  ,atonement1 as
 planned by ,god1 is based upon a       
crime--a crime infinitely  atrocious1   
the crime of murder and deicide1 is     
essential to its success3  if ,judas had
 not betrayed1 if the ,jews had not     
insisted1 if ,pilate had  not           
surrendered1 if all these turpitudes had
 not been secured1 the  ,atonement could
 not have been consummated4 ,need one   
say more8 ,sometimes1  when musing upon 
this doctrine1 ,i have a vision of the  
,god-man getting  old upon the earth1   
horribly anxious and wretched1 because  
no one will  murder him4 ,judas has     
succeeded to a large property1 and would
 not be  tempted to betray him by three 
hundred pieces of silver2 the chief     
priests and elders think him insane1    

and1 therefore1 as ,orientals1 hold  him
 in a certain reverence2 ,pilate is     
henpecked and superstitious1  accounts  
the wife's dreams oracular1 and will    
have nothing to do with  him2 even      
,peter won't deny him1 although he has  
restored ,peter's  mother-in-law to     
life4 ,the situation is desperate2 he   
has again and  again prayed his ,father 
to despatch a special murderer to       
despatch him1  yet none appears3 shall  
he have to perish by old age or disease8
 may he  be compelled to commit suicide8
 must he go back to ,heaven             
unsacrificed1  foiled for want of an    
assassin8    ,benjamin ,disraeli        
attained the cynical sublime when he    
suggested a  monument of gratitude to   
,judas4 ,in fact1 ,christendom ought to 
have  erected hundreds of years ago     
three grand monuments to the sub-trinity
  of ,christianity1 to the three men    
without whose devoted assistance the    
heavenly trinity would not have         
triumphed in the scheme of ,salvation by

  ,atonement2 ,judas1 ,caiaphas and     
,pilate2 and as these three men could   
not  have done what they did in         
furtherance of the glorious work without
 a  well-known inspiration1 a fourth    
memorial--the grandest of all--should   
have been erected to the ,devil4 ,but   
the world1 even the religious world1    
has always been ungrateful to its most  
generous benefactors4    ,is it not the 
worst of sacrilege1 a foul profanation  
of our human  nature1 which for us1 at  
least1 should be holy and awful1 when   
the  heroic and saintly martyrdom of a  
true ,man is thus falsified into the    
self-schemed sham sacrifice1            
ineffectual1 of a ,god8 ,the people who 
profess belief in this are shocked at   
the outrage offered to our  humanity by 
the ,development ,theory1 while they    
themselves commit this  outrage more    
flagitious4 ,little matters whence we   
sprang2 we are what we  are4 ,but much  
matters to what we may attain4 ,if the  
,development ,theory  plants our feet in

 the slime1 the ,christian ,theory bows 
our head to the  dust4 ,it asserts that 
human nature could not possibly be so   
good as  ,jesus1 that human genius could
 not possibly write the books which tell
  of him2 it denies us our noblest      
prerogatives1 and declares us bastards  
when we claim a crown4 ,it climbs to    
,god by trampling on ,man1 it builds    
,heaven in contempt of ,earth1 its soul 
is a phosphorescence from the  slain and
 rotting ,body2 its fervent faith       
vilifies us worse than the  coldest     
sneer of ,mephistopheles4 ,yet the      
orthodox shudder and moan1  outraged in 
their pious sensibilities1 when one     
dares to speak with  manly plainness of 
their doctrines1 which commence by      
polluting our  common nature1 continue  
by insulting our reason1 and conclude by
 damning  the large majority of us6     
,,the ,,one ,,thing ,,needful           
7#ahff47    ,when ,i survey with pious  
joy the present world of ,christendom1  
finding  everywhere that the true       

believers love their neighbors as       
themselves  and are specially enamored  
of their enemies2 that no one of them   
takes  thought for the morrow1 what he  
shall eat or what he shall drink1 or    
wherewithal he or she shall be clothed2 
that all the pastors and flocks         
endeavor to outstrip each other in      
laying not up for themselves  treasures 
upon earth1 where moth and rust corrupt1
 and where thieves  break through and   
steal2 and all are so intensely eager to
 quit this  earthly tabernacle and      
become freeholders of mansions in the   
skies2 when  ,i find faith as universal 
as the air1 and charity as common as    
cold  water2 ,i sometimes wonder how it 
is that any misbelievers and            
unbelievers are left1 and feel          
astonished that the ,new ,jerusalem has 
not  yet descended1 and hope that the   
next morning's ,times 7rechristened     
,the ,eternities7 will announce the     
inauguration of the ,millennium4        
,what delayeth the end8 ,can there      

indeed be any general hindering sin or  
imperfection among the pure saints1 the 
holy1 unselfish1 aspiring1  devout1     
peaceful1 loving men and women who make 
up the population of  every ,christian  
land8 ,can any error infect the         
teachings of the  innumerable divines   
and theologians1 who all agree together 
in every  particular1 drawing all the   
same doctrines from the same texts of   
the  one unvaried ,word of ,god8 ,i     
would fain believe that no such sin or  
error  exists1 not a single inky spot in
 the universal dazzling whiteness2 but  
then why have we to deplore the         
continued existence of heathens and     
infidels8 why is the ,new ,jerusalem so 
long a-building8 why is the  ,millennium
 so long a-coming8 why have we a mere   
,sardowa instead of  ,armageddon8       
,after long and painful thought1 after  
the most serious and reverent  study1 ,i
 think ,i have found the rock on which  
the ship of the ,church has  been       
wrecked2 and ,i hasten to communicate   

its extreme latitude and  interminable  
longitude1 that all ,christian voyagers 
may evade and  circumvent it from this  
time forward4    ,the error which ,i    
point out1 and the correction which ,i  
propose1 have  been to a certain extent1
 in a vague manner1 pointed out and     
proposed  before4 ,a clergyman named    
,malthus1 not in his clerical capacity1 
but  condescending to the menial study  
of mundane science1 is usually          
considered the first discoverer4 ,but   
mundane science is conditioned1         
limited1 vague1 its precepts are full of
 hesitation2 while celestial  science is
 absolute1 unlimited1 clear as the      
noonday sun1 and its  precepts are      
imperiously forthright4    ,it seems to 
me that the one fatal error which has   
lurked in our  otherwise consummate     
,christianity1 and which demands        
immediate  correction is this1 that the 
propagation of children is reconcileable
  with the propagation of the faith--an 
error which while it lasts adjourns     

sine die the day of judgment1 and begins
 the ,millennium with the ,greek        
,kalends4    ,one need not quote the    
numerous texts throughout the ,new      
,testament 7let  ,matthew xix41 #ab1    
suffice7 proving that ,jesus and the    
epistolary  apostles accounted celibacy 
essential to the highest ,christian     
life4  ,one only of the disciples1 so   
far as we know1 was married2 and he it  
was  who denied his master2 and most of 
the more profound divines consider  that
 ,peter was justly punished for         
marrying1 when ,christ cured his        
mother-in-law of that fever which might 
else have carried her off4    ,but many 
modest people may be content with a     
respectable ,christian life  which is   
not of the very highest kind4 ,they may 
think that as husbands  and wives they  
will make very decent middle-class      
saints in heaven1  after a comfortable  
existence on earth1 leaving the nobler  
crowns of  holiness for more daring     
spirits4 ,humility is one of the fairest

 graces1  and we revere it2 but there is
 a consideration1 most momentous for the
  kind ,christian heart1 which such good
 people must have overlooked--very      
naturally1 since it is very obvious4    
,jesus tells us that many are called but
 few are chosen2 that few enter  the    
strait gate and travel the narrow way1  
while many take the broad way  that     
leadeth to destruction4 ,in other words1
 the large majority of  mankind1 the    
large majority of even those who have   
the gospel preached  to them must be    
damned4 ,when a human soul is born into 
the world1 the  odds are at least ten to
 one that the ,devil will get it4 ,can  
any pious  member of the ,church who has
 thought of this take the responsibility
 of  becoming a parent8 ,i thoroughly   
believe not4 ,i am convinced that we    
have  so many ,christian parents only   
because this very conspicuous aspect of 
the case has not caught their view4 ,if 
the parents could have any  assurance   
that the piety of their offspring would 

be in proportion to  their own1 they    
would be justified in wedding in        
holiness4 ,but alas6 we  all know that  
some of the most religious parents have 
had some of the  most wicked children4  
,dearly beloved brethren and sisters    
pause and  calculate that for every     
little saint you give to heaven1 you    
beget and  bear at least nine sinners   
who will eventually go to hell4    ,the 
remedy proposed is plain and simple as a
 gospel precept3 let no  ,christian have
 any child at all--a rule which1 in the 
grandeur of its  absoluteness makes the 
poor timid and tentative ,malthusianism 
very  ridiculous indeed4 ,for this rule 
is drawn immediately from the ,new      
,testament and cannot but be perfect as 
its source4    ,let us think of a few of
 the advantages which would flow from   
its  practice4 ,the profane have        
sometimes sneered that ,jesus and his   
disciples manifestly thought that the   
world would come to an end1 the         
millennium be inaugurated1 within a very

 few years from the public  ministry of 
,jesus4 ,luckily the profane are always 
ignorant or shallow1  or both4 ,for1 as 
the ,new ,jerusalem is to come down     
while ,christians are  alive1 and as    
,christians in the highest sense or     
,christians without  offspring must have
 come to an end with the first          
generation1 it is  plain that the belief
 which has been sneered at was          
thoroughly well  founded2 and that it   
has been disappointed only because the  
vast  majority of ,christians have not  
been ,christians in the highest sense at
  all1 but in their ignorance have      
continued to propagate like so many     
heathen proletarians4    ,now1 supposing
 the very likely case that all          
,christians now living  reflect upon the
 truth herein expounded1 and see that it
 is true1 and1  therefore1 always act   
upon it1 it follows that1 with the end  
of our now  young generation1 the whole 
of ,christendom will be translated into 
the  kingdom of heaven4 ,either the mere

 scum of non-,christians left upon the  
earth will be wholly or in great part   
converted by an example so  splendid and
 attractive1 and thus translate all     
,christendom in the  second edition in a
 couple of generations more2 or else the
 world1 being  without any              
,christianity1 will1 as a matter of     
course1 be so utterly  vile and evil    
that the promised fire must destroy it  
at once1 and so  bring in the ,new      
,heavens and ,new ,earth4    ,roman     
,catholic ,christians may indeed answer 
that1 although the above  argument is   
irresistible to the ,protestants1 who   
have no mean in the  next life between  
,heaven and ,hell1 yet that it is not so
 formidable to  them1 seeing that they  
believe in the ultimate salvation of    
nearly every  one born and reared in    
their communion1 and only give a        
temporary  purgatory to the worst of    
their own sinners4 ,and ,i admit that   
such reply  is very cogent4 ,yet1       
strangely enough1 the ,catholics1 even  

more than the  ,protestants1 recognise  
and cultivate the supreme beatitude of  
celibacy2  their legions of unwedded    
priests1 and monks1 and nuns and saints 
are so  many legions of concessions to  
the truth of my main 7arguement74    ,i 
am aware that one of the most           
illustrious dignitaries of our own      
,national ,church1 the very reverend and
 reverent ,dr4 ,swift1 ,dean of ,st4    
,patrick's1 has advocated on various    
grounds1 and with impressive force  of  
reasoning1 the general eating of babies3
 and ,i anticipate that some  prudent   
,christians may1 therefore1 argue that  
it is better to get babies  and eat them
 than to have none at all1 since the    
souls of the sweet  innocents would     
surely go to heaven1 while their bodies 
would be very  nourishing on earth4     
,unfortunately1 however1 the doctrine of
 ,original  ,sin1 as expounded and      
illustrated by many very thoughtful     
theologians1  and specially theologians 
of the most determined ,protestant type1

 makes  it very doubtful whether the    
souls of infants are not damned4 ,it    
will  surely be better1 then1 for good  
,protestants to have no infants at all3 
,q4 ,e4 ,d4          ,,the ,,swinburne  
,,controversy      7#ahff47    ,not     
having read ,mr4 ,swinburne's 8,poems   
and ,ballads10 ,i have nothing to  say  
on the special case in which they are   
involved4 ,a few of the adverse         
critiques ,i have chanced to see1 and   
these almost avail to convince one  that
 ,mr4 ,swinburne is a true poet4 ,the   
,saturday ,review1 shocked out of  the  
complacency of its stark peevishness1   
cried1 8,pretty verses these to  read   
aloud to young ladies in the            
drawing-room60 ,as if there were any    
great book in existence proper to read  
aloud to young ladies in  drawing-rooms6
 and as if young ladies in drawing-rooms
 were the fit and  proper judges of any 
great book6 ,i should like to watch the 
smuggest and  most conceited of         
,saturday ,reviewers attempting to read 

aloud to young  ladies in a drawingroom 
certain chapters in the ,bible1 certain 
scenes of  ,shakespere1 certain of the  
very best passages in ,chaucer1         
,spenser1  ,dryden1 ,pope1 ,swift1      
,fielding1 ,sterne1 ,smollett1 ,burns1  
,byron1 ,shelley4  ,when ,mr4 ,swinburne
 answers that he writes for full-grown  
men and women1  the acute ,fun affirms  
that men have read his book and have    
condemned  it4 ,as if our present brood 
of periodical critics were men6 ,at home
 in  private life1 some of them probably
 are2 but in their critical capacity1   
that is to say incapacity1 how many of  
them have any virility8 ,the  ,athenaeum
 squashes the detestable book by        
proclaiming that it contains  such and  
such things in the style of ,alfred de  
,musset1 ,george ,sand1  ,victor ,hugo1 
,ovid1 etc42 that is to say1 in the     
style of some of the  best ,latin and   
modern ,french writers6 ,as for ,punch1 
he makes a joke  worthy of his present  
lively condition 7were it not for ,mr4  

,c4 ,h4  ,bennett1 one would say that   
there was no blood at all left in ,mr4  
,punch  when the great ,leech dropped   
off71 suggesting that the author should 
take the appropriate name of            
,swine-born4 ,but the mass of our       
present  critics are so far beneath     
contempt that we will waste no more time
 upon  them4    ,i have just one remark 
to make1 however1 before saying a few   
words on  the general issue raised by   
this particular process4 ,a large number
 of  highly respectable elderly         
personages in gowns1 for the most part  
belonging to the priesthood of our very 
dear ,national ,church1 and who by      
themselves and by good ,bumbledom in    
general are accounted the real  clerisy 
of ,england1 have devoted all1 or nearly
 all1 the years of their  maturity to   
what is termed the classical instruction
 of ingenuous youth4  ,the ingenuous    
youth thus magnificently instructed     
comprise young men of  the highest rank1
 with the most money and leisure and the

 reddest blood  in the nation4 ,is it   
not rather ludicrous to see the said    
begowned  elderly personages all        
wringing their hands and smiting their  
breasts1  weeping and lamenting in sore 
astonishment and perplexity and terror1 
when one of these young men dares to    
give sign that he has actually in  some 
degree assimilated such classical       
instruction1 instead of merely  gulping 
it down hastily and then vomiting it all
 crude at the  examinations8    ,as to  
the general questions1 ,i will start by 
avowing frankly my  conviction1 that1 in
 the present state of ,england1 every   
thoughtful man  who loves literature    
should rejoice in the advent of any     
really able  book which outrages        
propriety and shocks ,bumbledom1 should 
rejoice in  its advent simply and       
exactly because it does outrage         
propriety and  shock ,bumbledom1 even if
 this book be nauseous to his own taste 
and bad  in his own judgment4 ,for the  
condition of our literature in these    

days  is disgraceful to a nation of men3
 ,bumble has drugged all its higher     
powers1 and only the rudest shocks can  
arouse them from their torpor4 ,we  have
 still1 indeed1 by the inscrutable      
bounty of nature1 three or four  great  
writers1 the peers of the greatest in   
,europe2 out they stand like  so many   
forest-trees1 antique oaks of ,old      
,england1 in a boundless flat  of       
kitchen-gardens--cabbage and lettuce1   
radishes and onions1 and all the        
many-leaved 8pot-boilers10 fit only to  
be soddened and seethed in a pot1  and  
8to pot10 thank goodness1 they all      
quickly go4    ,our literature should be
 the clear and faithful mirror of our   
whole  world of life1 but at present    
there are vast realms of thought and    
imagination and passion and action1 of  
which it is not allowed to give  any    
reflex at all1 or is allowed only to    
give a reflex so obscure and  distorted 
as to be worse than none4 ,but1 it may  
be objected1 suppose  ,satyrs come      

leering into your mirror and ,bacchantes
 whirl before it8 ,i  answer that the   
business of a mirror is clear           
reflection3 if it does not  faithfully  
image the ,satyr1 how can it faithfully 
image ,hyperion8 ,and do  you dread that
 the ,satyr will be preferred to        
,hyperion1 when both stand  imaged in   
clear light before us8 ,it is only when 
the windows are  curtained1 when the    
mirror is a black gulph and its         
portraitures are  vague dark shadows1   
that the beautiful and the noble can    
pass  undistinguished from the hideous  
and the vile4    ,if1 indeed1 the       
realities not reflected became          
unrealities1 were  annihilated1 then    
there would be some sense in veiling    
those portions of  the mirror in front  
of which certain features of our life   
are exposed4  ,and if that which sees   
not could not be seen1 it would be very 
sensible  of the hunted ostrich to hide 
its head in the sand4 ,but we all know  
that  in darkness what is filthy and    

vile grows ever filthier and viler1 what
  is pure and sweet sickens and decays4 
8,we have left undone those things which
 we ought to have done2 and we  have    
done those things which we ought not to 
have done2 and there is no  health in   
us40    ,we have suppressed mention of  
all facts which ,bumble would fain      
ignore1  and utterance of all opinions  
likely to disturb his sacred peace2 we  
have canted enough to nauseate the      
angels1 and have continually lied for   
,god as for a man to pleasure him2 so   
our popular books are fit for           
emasculated imbeciles1 the ,times is our
 leading journal1 and the  ,daily       
,telegraph boasts the largest           
circulation in the world6 ,and in  the  
meanwhile the police-reports are full of
 putrid flesh1 all the  blue-books are  
crammed with statistical dry bones2     
flesh from the  carcases and bones from 
the skeletons in that mass of death and 
corruption under our imperial whited    
sepulchre4    ,i do not complain of the 

kitchen-garden literature2 many of the  
vegetables are very wholesome and savory
 in their season1 very good for  eating 
to-day and forgetting to-morrow2 ,i     
complain that in the interest  of       
kitchen-gardens the rearing of all      
grander and loftier vegetation1  the    
growth of secular forest-kings has      
become almost impossible in  ,england4  
,the stupidest popular book would not be
 popular did it not find  a large number
 of people still more stupid than       
itself1 to whom it is  really           
entertaining and instructive4 ,these    
stupid people one does not  blame1 one  
can only pity or envy them according to 
one's mood4 ,but what  shall one say of 
that large number of educated people who
 are not  stupid1 who are familiar with 
continental literature2 who yet1 if an  
,english book appears advocating ideas  
such as they have been delighted  with  
in a ,french or ,german dress1 feign    
astonishment and horror1 and  join with 
all the poor little curs of ,bumbledom  

in yelping and snarling  at it8 ,these  
men who know well what they are doing   
are the accomplices  of ,bumble who does
 not know what he is doing1 who fondly  
fancies that he  is doing something very
 different1 in starving on thin diet and
  stupifying with narcotic drugs the    
intellect of our nation once so  robust 
and active2 and assuredly if the process
 goes on much longer we  shall come to  
rank mentally as a third-rate ,power in 
,europe4    ,no intelligent man in      
,england1 without 7which is a           
contradiction in  terms7 his ideas are  
exactly coincident with the non-ideas of
 ,bumble1 or  without he is rich and    
independent1 can afford to devote       
himself to  honest treatment of any     
great religious or social1 moral or     
philosophical question4 ,if treated in a
 book1 he must himself pay the  expense 
of publication2 if treated in an        
article1 not even by payment  could he  
get the portals of any popular          
periodical to open unto him4 ,for       

periodicals--newspapers1 magazines1     
reviews--are the ,fools' ,paradise of   
the commonplace1 the mediocre1 the      
orthodox1 the respectable4 ,as the      
strength of a chain must be measured by 
its weakest link1 so the thought  of a  
periodical must be measured by the      
thought of its most imbecile            
subscribers4 ,a periodical to live must 
be a commercial success2 the  faintest  
thrill of new ideas would affect its    
circulation by shocking  off some of its
 regular readers2 it must suit its      
articles to the size  of its            
customers--a very little hat for a very 
little head1 a very little  thought for 
a very little brain4 ,thus1 though in   
thinking of their  criticisms ,i spoke  
so contemptuously of our critics1 ,i do 
not doubt that  many of them are much   
wiser than their articles4 ,the most    
honest of them  must live by their pen1 
so they do not attempt to tell the whole
 truth  though they will not tell a lie2
 many1 however1 undoubtedly are as apt  

for the sin of commission as for the sin
 of omission4    ,a noteworthy instance 
occurs to me as ,i write4 ,an eminent   
,english  author1 in some respects even 
a great author1 complained that in our  
country no one since ,fielding had dared
 to attempt the full and  faithful      
portraiture of a man1 and he set himself
 to the task in a work  published by    
instalments4 ,as he entered upon certain
 phases of common  virile life1 the     
circulation of the serial began to      
decrease4 ,this  author was eminent1    
well-off1 much more honest and wise and 
brave than  ninety-nine authors in a    
hundred3 of course1 having begun his    
work he  would honestly finish it1 he   
would not only tell the truth and       
nothing  but the truth1 he would also   
tell the whole truth8--he quietly left  
off  painting the features objected to1 
finished such as were agreeable to  the 
public1 and said with a cynical scorn   
7flavored perhaps with some  bitterness 
of self-scorn71 8,so you don't want to  

see and hear the whole  truth8 ,very    
well60 ,this author was revered by the  
great and  noble-hearted ,charlotte     
,bront2 this author was 99,thackeray1   
strong with  all the prestige of ,vanity
 ,fair2 he could not think of continuing
 a  course injurious to his             
8circulation10 so 8,pendennis0 is not   
almost  worthy 7as it might1 else have  
been7 to stand beside 8,un ,grande      
,homme de  ,province  ,paris0 of        
,balzac4    ,when such is ,thackeray1   
what must be ,gigadibs8    ,if ,i write 
this rather strongly it is because ,i   
feel that ,i am writing  in the interest
 of strength and health and purity and  
freedom1 at a time  when the mass of our
 literature is infected with servile    
weakness and  disease and that          
8obscenity1 which is ever blasphemy     
against the divine  beauty in life40    
,for all obscene things batten on       
darkness1 and light is  fatal to them4  
,but for the ,bumble who rules over us1 
the naked beauty is  obscene and the    

naked truth is blasphemous2 he thinks   
that the ,venus de  ,medici came out of 
,holywell ,street1 and is inclined to   
believe that all  the fossil records of 
geology were forged by the ,devil to    
throw  discredit upon the book of       
,genesis4 ,one cannot without a keen    
pang of  shame and rage think of what we
 are when one remembers what we were1   
when one recalls our old and glorious   
literature1 in the wide world           
unsurpassed2 our literature noble and   
renowned1 ever most glorious when  most 
manly and daring4          ,,great      
,,christ ,,is ,,dead      7#ahge47      
,we have all heard the wonderful story1 
recounted by ,plutarch in his  treatise 
on the ,cessation of the ,oracles1 how1 
in the reign of ,tiberius  ,csar1 a ship
 sailing from ,greece to ,italy was     
becalmed for the night at  the          
islet-rock of ,paxus in the ,ionian     
,sea1 between the ,echinades and        
,ithaca1 when a loud and terrible voice 
from the land called ,thamous the       

pilot4 ,and he having responded at the  
third appeal1 8,i am here2 what  would  
you with me80 the voice1 grown yet      
louder and more terrible1  commanded him
 to announce on arriving at ,palodes    
that ,pan the ,great was  dead4         
,accordingly1 when the vessel reached   
this place1 whose site ,i  believe the  
learned have not yet fixed1 ,thamous    
stood on the prow and  lifting his voice
 shoreward cried1 8,pan the ,great is   
dead60--whereon were  heard great       
moanings and lamentations1 mysterious   
and multitudinous4 ,not  having         
,plutarch at hand1 ,i have refreshed my 
memory from ,rabelais1 who  repeats this
 well-authenticated story by the mouth  
of ,pantagruel1 in the  twenty-eighth   
chapter of the fourth book of his       
inestimable work1  following soon on    
that tempest of all tempests wherein    
,friar ,john and  ,panurge so variously 
distinguished themselves4 ,the good     
,pantagruel goes  on to expound the     
story after his own manner1 thinking    

that it referred  not to the heathen god
 ,pan1 but to our ,lord and ,savior1    
,jesus ,christ1  8ignominiously put to  
death by the envy and iniquity of the   
pontiffs1  doctors1 presbyters1 and     
monks of the ,mosaic dispensation44440  
,for with good right may he in the      
,greek tongue be called ,pan1 seeing    
that he is our ,all2 all we are1 all we 
live1 all we have1 all we hope1  is him1
 in him1 of him1 by him4 ,he is the good
 ,pan1 the great  ,shepherd4444 at whose
 death were moanings1 sighs1            
trepidations and  lamentations in all   
the machine of the universe1 heavens1   
earth1 sea1  hells4 ,with this my       
interpretation the time agrees4 ,for    
that most good1  most great ,pan1 our   
only ,savior1 died at ,jerusalem1       
reigning in ,rome  ,tiberius            
,caesar4--,pantagruel1 these words said1
 rested in silence and  profound        
contemplation4 ,a little while after we 
saw the tears rolling  from his eyes1   
large as ostrich eggs4 ,i give myself to

 ,god if ,i lie in a  single word40     
,notwithstanding the thrilling pathos of
 this close1 and my  deep reverence for 
,rabelais1 with whom no commentator in  
holy orders  known to me can be         
compared1 except ,dean ,swift1 ,i am    
inclined on this  point to follow the   
ordinary opinion that ,pan the great god
 whose death  was thus miraculously     
announced was the ,pan of the heathen   
,greeks4  ,christ had died1 but only pro
 tem2 had descended into ,hell1 but with
 a  return ticket1 and simply to harry  
that realm of ,old ,harry2 in three     
days he had risen from the dead1 in     
forty more ascended into ,heaven2 his   
reign had begun and the reign of the old
 gods was ended2 the spirit was  exalted
 ana the flesh brought low1 this world  
and life were contemned  for the life   
and world to come2 ,nature1 the ,all1   
the great ,pan1 was  annulled1 and the  
,supernatural ,nothing throned supreme4 
,the poets have  chanted this momentous 
revolution according to their religion1 

their  phantasy1 or their mood4 ,milton 
in his ,hymn on the ,nativity shouts    
harsh  ,puritanical scorn on the oracles
 stricken dumb1 and the deities         
overthrown4 ,shelley in a magnificent   
chorus of 8,hellas10 8,worlds on  worlds
 are rolling ever10 contests not the    
justice of their doom1 while  in the    
final chorus he predicts the same doom  
for their conqueror in his  turn1 ,in   
our own day ,mr4 ,swinburne in the      
8,hymn to ,proserpine10 and  elsewhere1 
has bewailed the dead immortals1 with   
nothing but aversion  and contempt for  
the pale ,galilean1 the 8ghastly glories
 of saints1 dead  limbs of gibbeted     
gods40 ,leopardi an early poem 8,to     
,spring10 beautiful  but not of his     
deepest1 regrets the banished           
divinities1 and since the  halls of     
,olympus are void1 appeals to ,nature to
 restore to his spirit  its first fire1 
if she indeed lives4 ,schiller in his   
8,gods of ,greece0  passionately laments
 them2 and ,mrs4 ,browning more         

passionately answers  him1 crying1 8,god
 himself is the best ,poet1 and the     
,real is his song and  the ,real we     
accept perforce in its fulness1 but     
discern not how it can  derive from an  
unreal ,god4 ,novalis in his 8,hymns to 
the ,night0 laments  with ,schiller the 
unsouling of ,nature1 8bound in iron    
chains by arid  number and rigorous     
rule20 but goes on to celebrate the     
resurrection of  ,humanity in ,christ4  
,heine in his4 8,gods of ,greece10 after
 declaring in  his wild way that he has 
never loved the old deities1 that to him
 the  ,greek are repugnant1 and the     
,romans thoroughly hateful1 yet avows   
that  when he considers how dastardly   
and windy are the gods who overcame     
them1 the new reigning sorrowful gods1  
malignant in their sheep's1  clothing of
 humility1 he feels ready to fight for  
the former against  these4 ,this change 
of the celestial dynasty is indeed a    
favorite theme  with him4 ,elsewhere he 
pictures the ,olympians holding high    

revelry1 with  nectar and ambrosia1 with
 ,apollonian music and inextinguishable 
laughter1 when suddenly a wretched ,jew 
staggers in1 his brow bleeding  from a  
crown of thorns1 trailing on his        
shoulder a heavy cross1 which he  heaves
 upon the banquet table2 and forthwith  
the revel is no more1 the  divine feast 
disappears1 the everburning lights are  
quenched1 the  triumphant gods and      
goddesses vanish terror-smitten1        
dethroned for ever  and ever4 ,and      
again1 in his incomparable 8,gods in    
,exile10 he tells us  what became of    
these dispersed ,olympians during the   
,dark ,ages1 in the  thick night of the 
noontide of ,christianity2 how they were
 transformed  from celestial to infernal
 by the monstrous superstition of that  
baleful  era2 as we find the hoofs and  
horns of ,pan transferred to the ,devil 
himself2 as we find ,venus in that      
legend of ,tannhauser which has         
fascinated so many poets1 as well as    
great ,wagner1--        ,vnus1 ma belle 

desse1      ,vous tes diablesse6        
,more than eighteen hundred years have  
passed since the death of the  great god
 ,pan was proclaimed2 and now it is full
 time to proclaim the  death of the     
great god ,christ4 ,eighteen hundred    
years make a fairly long  period even   
for a celestial dynasty2 but this one in
 its perishing must  differ from all    
that have perished before it1 seeing    
that no other can  succeed it2 the      
throne shall remain void for ever1 the  
royalty of the  ,heavens be abolished4  
,fate1 in the form of ,science1 has     
decreed the  extinction of the gods4    
,mary and her babe must join ,venus and 
,love1 ,isis  and ,horus2 living with   
them only in the world of art4 ,jesus on
 his cross  must dwindle to a point1    
even in the realms of legend under      
,prometheus  on ,caucasus4 ,for ages    
already the ,father has been as spectral
 as  ,jupiter2 for ages already the     
,holy ,ghost has been but the shadow of 
a  shade4 ,and the last1 not least1     

member of the ,divine ,royal ,family1   
,satan  the ,prince of ,darkness1       
,prince of this ,world1 and ,prince of  
the ,powers  of the ,air1 is no more    
alive than ,pluto1 who also was born    
brother to  the ,monarch of ,heaven4    
,the ,hebrew dynasty of the gods is no  
more2 it has  done much evil in its long
 sovranty1 which we will try to forget  
now it  ceases to reign2 it has done    
some little good1 whose remembrance we  
will  cherish when it is sepulchred1    
,christ the ,great is dead1 but ,pan the
  ,great lives again1 as ,mr4 ,maccall  
told us in some lines published in  this
 paper several years ago4 ,pan lives1   
not as a ,god1 but as the ,all1         
,nature1 now that the oppression of the 
,supernatural is removed4 ,i may be     
told that ,christianity is yet alive and
 flourishing1 that its priesthood  and  
its churches hold possession of ,europe 
and ,america and ,australia4 ,so  the   
priesthood and the shrines of the       
,olympians kept possession of the       

,roman ,empire centuries after the      
crucifixion of ,jesus4 ,when the spirit 
of a faith has departed1 that faith is  
dead1 and its burial is only a  question
 of time4 ,when the noblest hearts      
worship not at its altars1  when the    
most vigorous intellects abandon its    
creeds1 the knell of its  doom has rung4
 ,at the risk of being thought bigoted  
or prejudiced1 ,i  must avow that to my 
mind the decomposition of ,christianity 
is so  offensively manifest and         
advanced1 that1 with the exception of a 
very  few persons whose transcendent    
genius could throw a glamor of glory    
over  any creed however crude and mean1 
and whom ,i recognise as far above my   
judgment1 ,i can no longer give my      
esteem to any educated man who has      
investigated and still professes this1  
religion1 without grave deduction  at   
the expense of his heart1 his intellect1
 or his conscience1 if not of  all      
three4 ,miraculous voices are not heard 
in these days2 but everywhere  myriads  

of natural voices are continually       
announcing to us1 and  enjoining us to  
announce to others1 ,great ,christ is   
dead6          ,,resurrection ,,and     
,,ascension ,,of ,,jesus      7#ahgf47  
,in reviewing ,mr4 ,r4 ,h4 ,hutton's    
,essay on 8,christian ,evidences1       
,popular  and ,critical10 ,i was obliged
 to follow his lead1 joining issue on   
such  pleas as he put forward4 ,thus    
with regard to the resurrection of      
,jesus1  as ,mr4 ,hutton adduced what he
 thought confirmatory evidence only from
  the ,new ,testament itself1 ,i        
confined myself to showing or attempting
 to  show that such evidence is         
unsubstantial4 ,but ,i could not        
consider this  argument adequate or     
conclusive1 for there are large general 
considerations of incomparably greater  
importance which it leaves out          
altogether4 ,it is as if a case ruled by
 broad principles of equity were  to be 
decided on the narrowest technical      
grounds4 ,therefore1 while  confident   

that even on these grounds the case must
 go against the  ,christian believer1 ,i
 wish to add a few words on its wider   
relations1 in  order that the decision  
may be established1 not merely by the   
letter of  the law1 but also by the     
spirit of justice4    ,we leave thus the
 torturing of texts in the dim cells of 
the theological  ,inquisition1 a process
 by which almost any confession required
 can be  and has been wrung from the    
unfortunate victims1 and emerge into the
  open daylight of common-sense and     
reason4 ,and here ,i venture to assert  
that if the story of the resurrection   
and ascension were recorded of any      
other than ,jesus in any other sacred   
book than the ,bible1 ,mr4 ,hutton and  
all other intelligent ,christians would 
not only disbelieve it1 but would  not  
even condescend to investigate it1      
condemning it offhand as too            
preposterous to be worthy of serious    
attention4 ,thus1 what ,christian has   
ever deigned to examine critically the  

marvels affirmed in the ,koran1  such as
 ,mohammed's visit to heaven2 although  
the ,koran can be traced far  more      
surely to the ,prophet of ,islam than   
can the ,gospels to their  reputed      
authors1 and this ,prophet bears a far  
higher character for  truthfulness than 
do the early ,christians8 ,nay1 what    
,bibliolater has  ever seriously weighed
 the evidence for the miracles of his   
fellow  ,christian the great ,st4       
,bernard2 such as those which are       
minutely  related and solemnly attested 
by ten eye-witnesses1 men well known and
  of unimpeached veracity1 and which are
 thus infinitely better attested  than  
any miracle in the ,bible from ,genesis 
to ,revelation8    ,your enlightened    
,protestant simply shrugs his shoulders 
at all such  stories1 and says with a   
superior smile3 8,of course1 mere       
imposture and  collusion1 or            
superstition and delusion2 no sensible  
man can afford to  waste his time in    
weighing that sort of stuff2 we don't   

think twice  before determining whether 
the impossible ever really occurred40   
,how1  then1 can this enlightened       
,protestant receive without question the
  miracles of the ,jewish books while   
rejecting without question all  others8 
,we have seen that it cannot be because 
of any superiority of  evidence for the 
former1 since the evidence for the      
latter is in many  cases infinitely     
greater and better authenticated1 and   
since he does not  attempt to weigh     
evidence before either accepting or     
rejecting1 though  he may seek evidence 
and argument to confirm what he has     
already given  himself to believe4 ,he  
accepts the ,jewish miracles simply     
because they  have come down to him1    
through many generations of his         
forefathers1  invested with a glamor of 
sanctity1 and he regards them with the  
eye of  faith which sees1 and sees not1 
just what it wishes2 he rejects miracles
  not in the ,bible because they come to
 him without any hallowed  associations1

 and he regards them with the eye of    
reason which beholds  the plain facts   
before it1 and neither wishes nor is    
able to avoid  beholding them4    ,it is
 worth noting that while our ,christian 
advocates insist with all  their might1 
such as it is1 upon the resurrection of 
,jesus1 they  willingly pass over as    
lightly as possible1 if they do not     
altogether  ignore1 a similar miracle   
guaranteed by the very same authority4  
,in  ,matt1 xxvii41 #eb1 #ec1 it stands 
recorded among the marvels following the
  death of ,jesus3 8,and the graves were
 opened2 and many bodies of the  saints 
which slept arose1 and came out of their
 graves after his  resurrection1 and    
went into the holy city1 and appeared   
unto many40 ,the  reader of ,shakespeare
 will remember the prodigies anterior to
 the death  of ,julius ,csar when--     
8,the sheeted dead      ,did squeak and 
gibber in the ,roman streets40    ,this 
prodigal multiplicity and superfluity of
 resurrections seems to  have been not a

 little embarrassing to modern          
,christian champions1  though doubtless 
it did not in the least trouble the     
primitive  non-scientific believers1 to 
whom nothing was more natural than the  
unnatural1 including the supernatural   
and the infranatural4 ,an apologist  of 
our days who must affirm the one        
resurrection1 seeing that his  whole    
religion is based upon it1 and who1     
though valiantly defying  science1 seeks
 to conciliate historical possibility1  
finds his task  quite heavy enough in   
accounting for the facts that the risen 
,jesus 8was  seen of above five hundred 
brethren at once10 and yet that no      
record of  his rising can be found      
beyond the limits of the ,new           
,testament4 ,but the  difficulties of   
the poor apologist are enormously       
increased if he must  further contend   
that many bodies of the saints came out 
of their graves1  and went into the holy
 city1 and appeared unto many1 and still
 there is  no external evidence4 ,we are

 surely at the utmost limits of the     
possible  in conceiving that ,jesus     
could appear unto five hundred of the   
brethren  at once 7there is no hint     
elsewhere that he had so many permanent 
followers in his lifetime2 in ,acts i41 
#ae1 we find that there were about  one 
hundred and twenty gathered after the   
ascension71 without the  priests and the
 ,roman officials hearing of the        
apparition and  investigating it4 ,but  
if many others rose from their graves   
and appeared  to many1 it is absolutely 
impossible that anyone in ,jerusalem    
could be  ignorant of the miracle2      
equally impossible that ,pilate and his 
officers  did not investigate it1 and   
equally impossible that finding it real 
he  did not report it with the evidence 
to ,rome1 for the ,empire was a         
thoroughly organised ,state1 and the    
,romans were a thoroughly practical  and
 business-like people4 ,once in the     
imperial archives1 the record of  the   
miracle would have spread everywhere2   

all subsequent historians  would have   
related it1 all subsequent writers      
referred to it4 ,so it is  no wonder    
that1 recoiling from these manifold     
impossibilities1 the  ,christian        
advocates prefer to dwell on the one    
resurrection as if it  were unique1 and 
avoid dwelling on the others that by the
 very same  testimony immediately       
followed it4 ,it is very significant    
that neither  in the ,acts nor in the   
,epistles is there any allusion to these
  resurrections4 ,when ,peter and the   
others were preaching the resurrection  
of ,christ1 why did they not adduce and 
produce some of these many1 risen       
saints1 whose visible1 tangible1 living 
and speaking evidence would have  been  
irresistible8    ,just as the           
resurrection of ,jesus could be accepted
 without misgiving by  the              
non-scientific early ,christians1 to    
whom miracles appeared among the  most  
frequent occurrences of life1 so could  
the ascension4 ,their earth  was a      

plane1 vaulted by the sky1 lamped by the
 little sun and moon and  stars2 above  
this vault was ,heaven1 where their ,god
 dwelt enthroned2  they knew nothing of 
the law of gravitation2 their ,christ1  
standing in  the flesh on the ,mount of 
,olives1 floated up through this vault  
to sit  enthroned beside his ,father in 
the most natural supernatural manner4   
,we  can conceive and sympathise with   
this simple faith2 but it is hard to    
conceive and sympathise with the blind  
faith1 which seems wilfully  blind1 of  
the modem educated ,christians4 ,it has 
been often remarked that  ,copernicus   
and ,kepler and ,newton have destroyed  
all the old mythologies1  including of  
course the mythology of both the ,old   
and ,new ,testaments4  ,with the earth  
no longer the universe of mortal life1  
between a ,heaven  above its domed      
firmament and a ,hades like a vast      
dungeon beneath1 but a  quite           
infinitesimal grain of sand involved by 
an infinitesimal drop of  dew1 floating 

and revolving in an ocean of space      
boundless in heighth  and depth and     
breadth1 amidst innumerable other       
spherules1 most of which  visible are   
very much greater than itself1 and at   
inconceivable  distances from it2 with  
man no longer the lord of the creation1 
for  whose service all things were made1
 but an animalcule inexpressibly  small1
 living for a moment inexpressibly      
brief1 with limitless time  before his  
beginning and limitless time beyond his 
end2 the ,christian  mythology and      
system1 among others1 because ineffably 
absurd4 ,where is  the ,heaven for its  
,god8 where the ,hell for its ,devil8   
,where is above8  ,where beneath8       
,whence came the winged angels1 with    
their wrings which  would not enable    
them to fly8    ,if ,jesus had ascended 
and continued to ascend with the speed  
of light1  he might be ascending now and
 go #jaa ascending for millions and     
millions  of years1 and still not reach 
a heavenly region beyond the range of   

our  telescopes ,i ,and think of the    
scheme of the ,atonement in the system  
of  the universe1 as we are learning to 
know it now--try to conceive an         
infinite and eternal ,god of this       
infinite and eternal ,whole sacrificing 
his only son for the salvation of us    
most insignificant insects on our  most 
insignificant earth6 ,the immense       
conceptions of science dwarf these      
petty conceptions of mythology to a     
littleness which reduces them  beneath  
consideration1 which in our days reduces
 them even beneath  contempt4           
,naturally the churches have always     
hated and resisted science1 and the     
theologians have seldom dared to face   
its conclusions4 ,they ignore the       
immensities1 and confine their vision to
 the pages of a single book1 to  a      
history whose chronology counts not six 
thousand years4 ,but1 as ,i have        
remarked1 even this minute field they   
cannot hold against the sceptic1  who   
has made them abandon all the rest of   

the universe4 ,why did their  risen     
,lord only slink about among his own    
disciples1 appearing to these  but at   
flying instants3 why did he not1 with   
his well-known features and  with the   
wounds of the nails and the spear in his
 body1 confront the  chief priests and  
,pilate and the whole of ,jerusalem1 and
 compel them to  acknowledge and bear   
enduring witness to his resurrection8   
,why did he  not summon all the people  
from the highest to the lowest to the   
solemn  spectacle of his ascension1     
securing multitudinous and permanently  
recorded evidence such as none of us    
could doubt8 ,we might go on asking     
,why8 and ,why8 and ,why8 in this       
fashion on a hundred points1 confident  
that to not one of our questions could  
the ,christian apologist give a         
straightforward and satisfactory answer4
 ,as the scheme of the ,atonement  is   
presented to us1 ,god sacrificed his    
only son that all mankind might  be     
saved through belief in him2 yet not    

merely neglected to secure  trustworthy 
evidence and certain record of this     
supreme fact and the  miracles attesting
 it1 but adopted every means possible to
 make the  evidence untrustworthy1 the  
record uncertain1 the miracles and the  
sacrifice incredible4          ,,some   
,,muslim ,,laws ,,and ,,beliefs         
7#ahgf47    ,the following notes are    
drawn from ,e4 ,w4 ,lane's charming and 
instructive  8,manners and ,customs of  
the ,modem ,egyptians0 7fifth and       
standard ed41  #ahfj71 a worthy         
companion to ,sir ,gardner ,wilkinson's 
book on the ,ancient  ,egyptians1 and   
written about forty years since1 before 
steam-communication had materially      
changed that people4 ,the mudoins1      
whose summons to prayer is one of the   
few audible charms of the ,east to  a   
western1 are generally chosen from the  
blind1 in order that the harems  and    
terraces of houses may not be overlooked
 from the minarets4 ,our  callers to    
prayer are generally blind also2 but    

this is because few  clearsighted men   
will in these days accept the office4   
,the imams or  priests and other        
religious officials are all paid from   
the funds of  their respective mosques1 
and not by any contributions exacted    
from the  people3 a lesson to us with   
our ,state ,church4 ,the imms have no   
authority above other persons1 and enjoy
 no respect save for reputed  learning  
and piety2 they are not a distinct order
 of men set apart for  the ministry1 but
 may resign or be displaced1 losing with
 the office the  title of imm2 they     
chiefly obtain their living by other    
means than  service in the mosque 7for  
which their salaries are as a rule only 
about  a shilling a month71 many of them
 being tradesmen3 here surely are       
several good lessons for us4 ,the       
mosques are open all day1 and the great 
mosque ,el-,azhar all night2 the        
,muslims have great reverence for them1 
yet in many of the larger ones persons  
lounge1 chat1 eat1 sleep1 spit1  sew1   

etc43 another lesson to us with our     
churches nearly always closed  and      
useless4 ,the ,muslim does not abstain  
from business on the ,friday1  his      
,sabbath1 except during the time of     
prayer1 and for this he has the         
authority of the ,kur-n3 when will our  
bigoted ,sabbatarians learn so  much    
liberal wisdom from him8 ,the ,prophet  
did not forbid women to attend  public  
prayers in the mosques1 but pronounced  
it better for them to pray  in private2 
in ,cairo they are not admitted to the  
public prayers1 it  being thought that  
their presence would inspire a wrong    
sort of  devotion4 ,the result is that  
few women in ,egypt pray at all4 ,if    
ours  were in like case1 how many       
churches and chapels would attract large
  congregations8 ,the ,egyptians1 like  
the modern ,arabs1 are not a truthful   
people1 but there are some oaths which  
few would falsely take2 such as         
swearing three times by 8,god the       
,great10 or on a copy of the ,kur-n 8,by

  what this contains of the word of     
,god60--,i wonder whether the ,christian
  ,englishmen are few who falsely swear 
by ,god and on the ,bible4 ,mr4 ,lane   
witnessed many instances of forbearance 
in persons of the middle and  lower     
classes when grossly insulted2 and often
 heard an ,egyptian say on  receiving a 
blow from an equal1 8,god bless thee10  
8,god requite thee  good10 8,beat me    
again03 how many of the ,christians obey
 in like manner  one of the plainest    
precepts of ,christ8 ,in general a      
quarrel terminates  by one or both of   
them saying 8,justice is against me02   
often after this  they recite together  
the first chapter of the ,kur-n2 and    
then1  sometimes1 embrace and kiss one  
another4 ,if a similar custom prevailed 
here there would be little serious      
quarrelling2 for the men would all      
avoid disputes save with pretty girls   
and charming women1 and would  always   
make it up very quickly with them4 ,the 
,muslim believes that there  have been  

six great ,prophets and                 
,apostles--,adam1 ,noah1 ,abraham1      
,moses1  ,jesus1 ,mohammed2 each of whom
 received a revealed law or system of   
religion and morality1 each of the first
 five abrogated and superseded  by the  
next1 though all were the same in       
essentials4 ,thus the ,jews from  the   
time of ,moses to that of ,christ1 and  
the ,christians 7if they did not  accept
 the corrupt and idolatrous doctrine of 
the divinity of ,jesus7  from the time  
of ,christianity to that of ,mohammed1  
were true believers4  ,of course the    
last is the greatest ,prophet1 and since
 his revelation the  ,muslims only have 
been the faithful4 ,the ,pentateuch1    
,psalms and ,gospels1  though of divine 
origin1 have been so much altered as to 
contain very  little of the true ,word  
of ,god2 but the ,kur-n is supposed to  
have  suffered no essential change      
whatever4 ,jesus was born of a pure     
virgin  by the miraculous operation of  
,god1 without any father human or       

divine4  ,when he had fulfilled the     
object of his mission1 he was taken up  
to ,god  from the ,jews who sought to   
slay him1 and another man1 on whom ,god 
had  stamped the likeness of ,jesus1 was
 crucified in his stead4 ,he will come  
again upon earth1 to establish the      
,muslim religion and perfect peace and  
security1 after having killed           
,anti-,christ1 and to be a sign of the  
approach of the last day4 ,in all these 
doctrines the ,muslims are  decidedly   
more consistent and liberal1 as well as 
somewhat less  superstitious than the   
,christians1 with their ,god-man and    
trinity in  unity1 their damnation of   
,mohammed as a mere impostor and of his 
religion1 ,el ,islam1 as a vile         
fabrication of stolen materials4 8,the  
,egyptians pay a superstitious reverence
 not to imaginary beings alone3  they   
extend it to certain individuals of     
their own species2 and often to  those  
who are justly the least entitled to    
such respect4 ,an idiot or a  fool is   

vulgarly regarded by them as a being    
whose mind is in heaven1  while his     
grosser part mingles among ordinary     
mortals2 consequently1 he  is considered
 an especial favorite of heaven4        
,whatever enormities a  reputed saint   
may commit 7and there are many who are  
constantly  infringing precepts of their
 religion7 such acts do not affect his  
fame  for sanctity3 for they are        
considered as the results of the        
abstraction  of his mind from worldly   
things2 his soul1 or reasoning          
faculties1 being  wholly absorbed in    
devotion1 so that his passions are left 
without  control4 ,lunatics who are     
dangerous to society are kept in        
confinement2  but those who are harmless
 are generally regarded as saints4 ,most
 of  the reputed saints of ,egypt are   
either lunatics1 or idiots1 or          
impostors40 wonder whether this applies 
at all1 and if it does1 to what  extent1
 to the countless saints of our ,most   
,holy ,catholic ,church of              

,christendom4 ,in ,egypt1 as in other   
countries of the ,east1 ,muslims1       
,christians1 and ,jews adopt each       
other's superstitions1 while they abhor 
the leading doctrines of each other's   
faith4 8,in sickness1 the ,muslim       
sometimes employs ,christian and ,jewish
 priests to pray for him3 the           
,christians and ,jews1 in the same      
predicament1 often call in ,muslim      
saints for the like purpose60 ,so much  
human nature is there in man1 not  to   
speak of woman4 ,the ,muslims profoundly
 reverence the ,kur-n1 yet will  quote  
it on the most trivial occasions in jest
 as well as on the most  important in   
earnest4 ,they are generally fond of    
conversing on religion  among           
themselves2 and the most prevalent mode 
of entertaining a party of  guests among
 the higher middle classes1 in ,cairo1  
is the recital of the  whole of the     
,kur-n1 which is chanted by special     
persons hired for the  purpose1 or other
 religious exercises4 ,this chanting of 

the ,kur-n takes  up about nine hours4  
,when will our fashionable ,bibliolaters
 issue  invitations for the treat of    
hearing poor curates or scripture       
readers  intone the whole of the ,bible1
 or even so much of it at a time as     
might  be got through in nine hours8    
,when1 oh when8    ,ladies will learn   
with approval that it is thought        
improper1 and even  disreputable1 for a 
man to be single4 ,mr4 ,lane was a      
bachelor during his  first two visits to
 ,egypt2 and in the former of these1    
having to change  his residence1 engaged
 another house4 ,the lease was duly     
signed and some  money paid in advance1 
but the inhabitants of the neighborhood 
7who were  mostly descendants of the    
,prophet7 would not have an unmarried   
man in  their midst4 ,the agent said    
they would gladly admit him if he would 
but  purchase a female slave1 thus      
redeeming himself from the opprobrium of
  not possessing a wife of some sort4   
,he managed to secure a house in a  less

 scrupulous quarter1 but had to engage  
that no creature wearing a  hat should  
visit him4 ,the ,sheykh or chief of this
 quarter often urged  him to marry2     
,lane objected that he intended to live 
in ,egypt only a  year or two longer4   
,the ,sheykh answered1 with great moral 
force and  earnestness1 that a handsome 
young widow a few doors off would be    
glad  to marry him1 on the express      
understanding that he should divorce her
 on  going away2 while of course he     
could do so earlier if she did not suit 
him4 ,now this young widow1 in spite of 
her religion and veil1 had  several     
times contrived 7the ,sage saith that   
there is nothing a woman  cannot        
contrive1 except to refrain from        
contriving7 to let our ,oriental        
,englishman catch a glimpse of her very 
pretty face2 and the miserable  bachelor
 was reduced to plead that she was the  
very last woman he would  like to marry 
pro tempore1 for he felt sure that once 
wed he could  never make up his mind to 

part with her4 ,doubtless all our single
 men1  and especially our ,christian    
young men1 would much rather be deemed  
disreputable and denied decent lodgings 
than establish their character  for     
virtue and respectability by buying     
female slaves1 however cheap1 or        
marrying nice young widows divorcible at
 pleasure6    ,as to polygamy1 ,mr4     
,lane remarks that it can only be       
defended as  preventing a greater       
immorality than it occasions2 and that  
,mohammed1  like ,moses1 did not        
introduce but limited and regulated it4 
,the ancient  ,egyptians had but one    
wife each1 though they might have slave 
concubines4 ,polygamy1 however1 is rare1
 and rarer among the upper and  middle  
classes than the lower2 8,i believe that
 not more than one husband  in twenty   
has two wives40 ,the mere sentence1 8,i 
give myself up to thee10  uttered by a  
female to a man who proposes to become  
her husband 7even  without the presence 
of witnesses1 if none can easily be     

procured7  renders her his legal wife if
 arrived at puberty4 ,a man may divorce 
his  wife twice1 and each time take her 
back without any ceremony1 unless she   
has paid for it by resigning the        
reserved third of the dowry1 furniture1 
etc42 but if he divorces her the third  
time1 or puts her away by a  triple     
divorce conveyed in one sentence1 he    
cannot receive her again  until she has 
been1 married and divorced by another   
husband1 who must  have consummated his 
marriage with her4 ,to divorce her1 he  
simply has to  say1 8,thou art          
divorced10 or 8,i divorce thee02 but the
 woman cannot  separate herself from her
 husband against his will1 unless it be 
for  some considerable fault on his     
side1 such as cruel treatment or        
neglect4  ,the facility of divorce has  
depraving effects1 upon both sexes4     
,many men  in the course of ten years   
have married twenty1 thirty1 or more    
wives2  and women not far advanced in   
age have been wives to a dozen or more  

successively4 8,i have heard of men who 
have been in the habit of  marrying a   
new wife almost every month40 ,but such 
conduct is generally  regarded as very  
disgraceful2 and few persons in the     
upper or middle  classes would give a   
daughter in marriage to a person who had
 divorced  many wives4    ,the women    
deem it more incumbent to cover the     
upper and back part of the  head than   
the face2 and more requisite to conceal 
the face than most  parts of the person4
 ,many among the lower classes never    
conceal their  faces2 women may often be
 seen with nothing but a narrow strip of
 rag  round the hips4 ,the face-veils   
have the advantage of leaving the eyes  
visible1 which are generally the most   
beautiful of the features2 fine  figures
 being more common than altogether      
handsome faces2 though some  faces are  
of a beauty distinguished by such       
sweetness of expression that  they seem 
the perfection of female loveliness1    
8and impressed me at the  time with the 

idea that their equal could not be found
 in any other  country40 ,the women of  
,cairo are less strictly guarded than in
 most  ,eastern lands2 wives are proud  
of the restraint as showing that the    
husbands value them highly1 looking upon
 themselves as hidden treasures4  ,to   
such an absurd extent do ,muslims carry 
their feeling of the  sacredness of     
women that entrance into the tombs of   
some women is  forbidden to men2 and a  
man and woman are never buried in the   
same  vault1 without a wall between     
them--as if their very corpses might get
 up  to mischief4 ,for adultery on the  
part of the woman the ,kur-n prescribes 
death by stoning1 but drowning is       
generally substituted4 ,unless detected 
by an officer of justice four           
eye-witnesses are required2 failing     
these1 the accuser is to be scourged    
with eighty stripes4 ,this              
extraordinary law is traced to an       
accusation of adultery against the      
,prophet's favorite wife 8,asheh10 who  

was thus absolved from punishment1  and 
subsequent revelations established her  
innocence4 ,if we had a  similar law    
here we might close our ,divorce ,court4
 ,if a husband without  any witnesses   
accuses his wife of adultery1 he must   
swear four times by  ,god that he speaks
 the truth1 and the fifth time imprecate
 ,god's curse  on himself if he is a    
liar2 but the wife can counterbalance   
this by  swearing four times by ,god    
that he is a liar1 and the fifth time   
imprecating ,god's wrath on herself if  
he speaks the truth4 ,the  commentators 
and lawyers have agreed that in this    
dilemma the marriage  must be dissolved4
 ,when a peasant woman is found to have 
been unfaithful  to her husband1 in     
general he or her brother throws her    
into the ,nile1  with a stone tied to   
her neck2 or cuts her to pieces and then
 throws  these into the river4 ,in most 
instances a father or brother punishes  
in  the same manner an unmarried        
daughter or sister who has been guilty  

of  incontinence4 ,these relatives are  
considered more disgraced than the      
husband by the crime of the woman2 and  
are often despised if they do not  thus 
punish her4 ,women in easy circumstances
 are put to bed for from  three to six  
days after childbirth2 but poor women in
 the same case  seldom take to bed at   
all1 and after a day or two resume their
 ordinary  occupations1 if these do not 
require great exertion4    ,the law of  
inheritance is remarkable in two        
respects2 primogeniture is  not         
privileged1 and in most cases the share 
of a female is half that of  a male in  
the same degree of relationship4 ,a     
debtor is only kept  imprisoned for debt
 if he cannot prove himself insolvent2  
but if able1  he may be made work out   
what he owes4 ,apostacy from the faith  
is death  if not recanted on three      
warnings4 ,blasphemy against ,god or any
 of the  ,great ,prophets1 whether      
repented or not1 is instant death3 on   
the ground  that apostacy or infidelity 

is but ignorance and misjudgment1 while 
blasphemy shows utter depravity4 ,if    
,christians blaspheming ,mohammed were  
punished as are ,muslims blaspheming    
,christians1 what a number of our       
enlightened clerical teachers would have
 died the death of malefactors6    ,the 
,copts1 or descendants of the ancient   
,egyptians1 said to number about        
#aej1jjj1 are ,christians1 but scarcely 
a credit to that religion whose         
votaries boast of its civilising and    
elevating character4 ,the fact is  that 
in advanced countries the ,christianity 
has been civilised by the  ,secularism1 
not the ,secularism by the              
,christianity2 in countries where  the  
sciences and arts are stationary or     
retrograde1 ,christianity proves  that  
it has in itself no motive-power1 and is
 generally even more  degraded than the 
other superstitions around it4 ,mr4     
,lane almost  despaired of learning     
anything about these ,copts1 until he   
had the good  fortune to become         

acquainted with a character of which he 
had doubted  the existence--a ,copt of a
 liberal as well as an intelligent mind4
 ,they  hate the ,greeks and all other  
,christians not of their own sect much  
worse than they hate the ,muslims       
themselves4 ,the priests are supported  
only by alms or by their own industry4  
,their language is a dead one4  ,they   
pray seven times a day1 in the course of
 these reciting the whole  ,book of     
,psalms1 as well as chapters of the     
,bible1 prayers1 etc43 a fine  example  
to their lax co-religionists here4 ,they
 have long and arduous  fasts4 ,in spite
 or because of all this1 they bear a    
very bad character  as sullen1          
avaricious1 abominable dissemblers1     
cringing or domineering  according to   
circumstances4 ,the one respectable     
,copt discovered by ,lane  admitted that
 they are generally ignorant1 faithless1
 worldly1 sensual1  and drunken2 he     
declared that the ,patriarch was a      
tyrant and suborner of  false witnesses2

 that the monks and priests in ,cairo   
are seen every  evening begging and     
asking the loan of money1 which they    
never repay1 at  the houses of their    
parishioners and other acquaintances1   
and procuring  brandy if possible       
wherever they call4 ,so much for our    
esteemed  fellow-,christians in ,egypt1 
descendants of what in heathen times was
  long the foremost nation in the world4
    8,women are not to be excluded from 
paradise1 according to the faith of  ,el
 ,islam2 though it has been asserted by 
many ,christians1 that the  ,muslims    
believe women to have no soul4 ,in      
several places in the ,kur-n1  ,paradise
 is promised to all true believers40    
,they will be admitted by  ,god's mercy 
on account of their faith1 not of their 
good works2 but  their felicity there   
will be proportioned to their good      
works4 ,the very  meanest male in       
,paradise is promised eighty thousand   
beautiful youths as  servants1 and      
seventy-two wives of the daughters of   

,paradise4 ,these  celestial virgins we 
commonly call houris1 but learned and   
accurate  ,mr-,lane terms them          
hooreeyehs1 vividly suggesting that the 
,muslim saints  burst into rapturous and
 prolonged hoorays on first perceiving  
them4 ,he  may also have the wives he   
had here below1 if he wants them2 and   
doubtless the good will desire the good4
 ,on behalf of the earthly fair  sex1 ,i
 must emphatically protest against this 
part of the heavenly  arrangements4 ,how
 do we know that the good husband will  
desire the good  wife1 however good1    
when he has two-and-seventy maidens of  
,paradise all  to himself8 ,the trust   
that he will1 cannot be trusted2 it is a
  perfidious consolation to poor women4 
,no wonder ,muslim wives are            
obsequious1 when it depends on the will1
 pleasure or caprice of their  husbands 
whether they shall be re-married in the 
other world or not4  ,mrs4 ,caudle      
herself would scarcely hazard a curtain 
lecture with this  atrocious alternative

 in prospect4 ,try to fancy being an    
old-maid or  grass-widow for ever and   
ever where all the men are very much    
married1  having six dozen wives each at
 the very lowest6 ,such a heaven to a   
good  woman were ten times crueller than
 hell4 ,when the ,muslim women have been
  aroused to a sense of their rights1   
they will insist on being treated in    
the next world on equal terms with the  
men3 the meanest woman of the  faithful 
7supposing any woman can be mean7 shall 
have her eighty  thousand beautiful     
servants1 and her seventy-two husbands  
of the youths  of ,paradise1            
resplendent1 adoring1 ever obedient4    
,this settled first1 it  will be a      
question for consideration between      
herself and her terrene  spouse whether 
they shall combine their several        
establishments1 or agree  to be divorced
 by death4 ,but ,i digress2 women always
 lead us into  digressions1 only these  
are usually much more interesting than  
the dusty  high-road along which it is  

our business to trudge4 ,the meanest of 
,muslims will further have a very large 
tent bejewelled with pearls1  jacinths  
and emeralds4 ,he will be waited on by  
three hundred attendants  while he eats1
 and served in dishes of gold1 whereof  
three hundred shall  be set before him  
at once1 each containing a different    
kind of food1  8the last morsel of which
 will be as grateful as the first40     
,this  absence of satiety1 this         
ever-fresh vigor1 ,i believe1 is to mark
 all his  enjoyments1 however freely he 
may indulge in them4 ,though wine is    
forbidden in this life1 he may drink of 
it ad libitum in the next1 and  the wine
 of ,paradise doth not inebriate4 ,he   
shall have perpetual youth1  and as many
 children as he may desire4 ,he shall be
 ravished with the  songs of the angel  
,israfeel1 8whose heart-strings are a   
lute1 and who  has the sweetest voice of
 all ,god's creatures40 ,i really cannot
 go on2  my feelings are too much for   
me4 ,i remember when young being taught 

to  sing 7or rather to squall2 for my   
voice could never have been mistaken    
for that of the angel ,isrfeel1 even by 
a frequenter of revival meetings  or    
music halls73        8,i thank the      
goodness and the grace 7grays87         
,which on my birth have smiled1         
,and made me in these ,christian days   
7dace87              ,a happy ,english  
child4'99    ,but now that ,i am a man1 
this same consideration fills me with   
bitterest  sorrow and anguish1 so that  
,i am ready to bellow3        ,i curse  
the evil and disgrace           ,which  
have my birth defiled1      ,who would  
have been in other case           ,a    
happy ,muslim child6    ,yea1 when ,i   
contrast these glowing and glorious     
prospects held out to  the faithful by  
the ,kur-n1 with the everlasting singing
 in white  night-gowns1 amidst the      
howling of elders and composite beasts  
all over  eyes 7what our ,heine terms   
8all the menagerie of the ,apocalypse071
 in  adoration of a ,god like a jasper  

and sardine stone to look upon1 and of  
a ,lamb with seven horns and seven eyes2
 then do ,i wring my hands and  beat my 
breast and tear my hair1 sighing and    
sobbing1 moaning and  groaning1 weeping 
and lamenting most piteously--,alas6 and
 alas6 and alas6  why was ,i bom in a   
,christian land and reared for the      
,christian ,heaven8  ,would that ,i had 
been born among the ,muslims and brought
 up in the faith  of ,el ,islm6 ,so     
should ,i be now looking forward 7for   
from such a  generous faith never1 never
 would ,i have lapsed7 unto a ,paradise 
worthy  of the name2 revelling in       
anticipations of four-score thousand    
servants1  uncloying courses of three   
hundred dishes1 unlimited strong wine   
without  inebriation1 six-dozen wives of
 the refulgent celestial virgins1 aging 
not themselves1 aging not me2 perpetual 
youth1 unsating and unexhausting        
raptures1 for ever1 and ever1 and ever2 
and instead of having to sing my  own   
throat hoarse1 ,i should have the angel 

,isrfeel to sing for me4 ,ah1  dear     
,god6 ,thou most ,compassionate6 ,thou  
most ,bountiful6 ,thou to whom all      
things are possible6 grant that ,i may  
even yet be converted from a  doleful   
,christian infidel into a blessed       
,muslim true believer6 ,o ,god the      
,all-merciful1 save me from the terrors 
and tortures of our ,sankey and  ,moody 
,christian heaven6 ,o ,god the          
,all-gracious1 let me lie secure in the 
arms of six-dozen hooreeyehs of         
,paradise of ,el ,islam6 ,amen1 and     
,amen4          ,,the ,,christian       
,,world ,,and ,,the ,,secularist        
7#ahgf47    ,the ,christian ,world of   
the #ast inst4 has another note on the  
article  on 8,some ,muslim ,laws and    
,beliefs40 ,as ,mr4 ,foote responded to 
the first  note on behalf of the        
,secularist1 ,i1 as the author of the   
obnoxious  article1 which was mainly    
mere compilation from the work of a     
,christian  scholar and gentleman1 may  
say a few words on my own behalf in     

reply to  the second1 which is as       
follows3--    8,a correspondent         
writes3--,in your #8,notes by the ,way' 
last week there is a  painful1 though   
not unseasonable1 quotation from a      
writer on #8,muslim  ,laws and          
,beliefs4' ,this1 as coming from a      
,secularist1 is deplorable  enough4 ,it 
is very much more so that the late      
,viscount ,amberley1 a son  of a veteran
 statesman1 should in his #8,analysis of
 ,religious ,belief1'  which might      
indeed more justly be termed #8,a       
,panegyric of all ,heathen  ,beliefs1   
and a ,travesty of that of the          
,christian1' have given a like          
description of the paradise of the      
,koran1 and should have sneeringly  told
 us that the ,christian ,scriptures1 in 
their pictures of the heavenly  life1   
#8strangely overlook this enjoyment' of 
#8ever virgins' never  growing old1 who 
are to #8supply the faithful with the   
pleasure of love'  7vide ,vol4 ,,ii41 p4
 #bjj74 ,this is but a specimen of the  

disdainful and  derisive tone with which
 this writer1 who at length leaves      
himself  stranded in a region of the    
dreariest ,atheism1 continually speaks  
of  that ,book which what he terms #8the
 illusions of our younger days' might   
have taught him o respect40    ,i do not
 doubt that the quotation was painful to
 the ,christian  correspondent1 since it
 is always painful to have our lifelong 
prejudices shocked by those who have    
never shared them1 or who have  attained
 freedom from their yoke4 ,one might    
give not a few quotations  from any     
number of the ,christian ,world which   
would be very painful to  a pious       
,muslim4 ,nor do ,i doubt that the      
quotation was not unseasonable1  for    
quotations from the ,secularist must    
always be seasonable in an  influential 
,christian periodical1 when they tend to
 expand the ,christian  narrowness1 and 
show that there is much to be said in   
favor of other  beliefs4 ,and ,i admit  
that1 like many other things coming from

 a  ,secularist1 it must have been      
deplorable enough to a ,christian       
suckled  on the ,bible1 and assured in  
his unreflecting ignorance that it is   
the  one true word of the three-in-one  
true god4 ,but the correspondent finds  
it very much more deplorable that a son 
of a veteran statesman should  agree    
with the ,secularist--as if the sons of 
veteran statesmen were  naturally       
expected to be sunk deeper than other   
persons in the  prevailing superstition4
 ,the correspondent who1 we may presume1
 has  always been taught1 and has never 
doubted1 that all heathen beliefs are   
wholly devilish1 and that the ,christian
 belief is wholly divine1 thinks  that  
,viscount ,amberley's book is a         
panegyric of the former and a  travesty 
of the latter4 ,if the unfortunate      
correspondent had the courage  and      
intelligence to enter upon a real       
analysis of religious belief1 he  would 
soon discover that he and his           
co-religionists have been all along     

travestying every form of what they call
 heathenism4 ,with amusing  simplicity  
he is astonished that ,lord ,amberley   
gives a like description  of the        
paradise of the ,kur-n to that which ,i 
gave in the ,secularist1  as if he could
 have been accurate in giving any other1
 when mine was  drawn from one of the   
most careful and accurate of writers1   
the ,oriental  ,englishman1 unequalled  
in his knowledge of ,arabic literature  
and life6  ,why1 in the very week       
following the attack on the ,secularist1
 the  ,christian ,world's twin sister1  
the ,literary ,world 7perhaps incited   
thereto by its study of our vilified    
paper71 showed that it had been  reading
 or dipping into ,lane1 by an article on
 him under the queer title  of 8,a ,man 
of ,one ,book10 he being distinguished  
for three--8,the ,manners  and ,customs 
of the ,modem ,egyptians10 the          
translation of the 8,arabian  ,nights10 
with its peerless notes1 and the        
monumental 8,arabic ,lexicon02  and the 

said queerly-named article echoed the   
general praise of his  thoroughness and 
accuracy1 and repeated the statement of 
those who knew  him1 that he was a      
deeply pious man4 ,i am not concerned   
with the defence  of ,lord ,amberley1   
and shall therefore not follow further  
the  correspondent's remarks on his     
book1 save to note that a man who says  
that any such writer 8leaves himself    
stranded in a region of the  dreariest  
,atheism10 proves himself by this one   
phrase utterly  incompetent to study    
that word or understand its subject     
matter2 and1 as  ignorant and incapable1
 had better confine himself to the      
,sunday-school1  the ,young ,men's      
,christian ,association1 the religious  
tea-meeting1 and  street-corner raving4 
,it may be as well to say something on  
my own account1 in addition to the      
vigorous remarks of ,mr4 ,foote1 in     
reply to the first note of the          
,christian ,world1 and vindication of   
the passage it impugned4 ,and  first1 as

 to the ,book of ,revelation1 which     
claims to be prophetic1 and  stands in  
our ,bible as the work of ,st4 ,john the
 ,divine4 ,luther1 indeed1  who was not 
afraid to pass an independent judgment1 
said1 8,i look upon  the revelation as  
neither apostolic nor prophetic20 but it
 is received  as both by our ,english   
,protestants1 and continually referred  
to by them  as the record of a genuine  
and authentic vision4 ,but ,i assert1   
without  fear of contradiction1 that if 
they had never known it1 and some       
missionary brought home an account of   
its marvels as belonging to the  faith  
of some ,polynesian islanders1 they     
would be filled with wonder and         
compassion at the monstrous             
superstitions of those poor heathen     
barbarians4 ,yes1 ,exeter ,hall and the 
readers and writers of the  ,christian  
,world itself1 would assuredly invoke   
help to enlighten the  degraded         
idolaters who believed in a heaven whose
 ,god was to look upon  like a jasper   

and a sardine2 in the midst of whose    
throne1 and round  about whose throne1  
were four beasts--a lion1 a calf1 a     
man-faced  monster1 an eagle--each with 
six wings1 and full of eyes before and  
behind and within2 which beasts never   
rested day nor night from saying1       
8,holy1 holy1 holy1 ,lord ,god          
,almighty20 and which1 moreover1        
worshipped a  lamb with seven horns and 
seven eyes--a figment more extravagant  
than the  many-headed and many-armed    
idols of ,india4 ,and so with the other 
enormities of the ,apocalypse4 ,our     
civilised gentlemen of the ,christian   
,world can only believe that they       
believe these things1 because hallowed  
associations and unreflecting faith     
blind their judgment to the obvious     
absurdity of the imagery and the        
conspicuous non-fulfilment of the       
prophecy1 which again and again claims  
to announce events then at hand1  to    
come quickly4    ,in the next place ,i  
assert that the everlasting monotonous  

singing of  the praises of the lamb1 the
 interminable senseless routine1 is not 
a  whit more spiritual1 while infinitely
 less alluring1 than the  occupations of
 the ,mohammedan ,paradise4 ,if it be   
answered that  enlightened ,christians  
have nobler ideas of heaven1 ,i reply   
that such  anticipations are not        
warranted by the ,new ,testament1 and   
that  magnanimous ,muslims have also    
nobler anticipations of paradise1 for   
which there is warrant in the ,kur-n4   
,and while on the subject of            
spirituality1 ,i may remark that the    
pure monotheism of the ,muslim and  the 
,jew is immensely more spiritual1 as    
well as more rational1 than the         
monotritheism of the ,christian1 which  
not only deifies a man1 but  juggles    
with a so-called mystery that cannot be 
expressed in words  without             
self-contradiction1 cannot be conceived 
in thought1 and1 by the  confession of  
its own apologists1 defies reason4      
,as to the 8hysterical buffoonery10 ,i  

have yet to learn that there is         
anything hysterical in a jolly burst of 
,rabelaisian laughter4 ,and as to  the  
8poor hollow mockery10 ,i can assure the
 writer in the ,christian  ,world that  
the mockery was quite rich1 sound and   
genuine in relation to  the ,apocalypse 
of his idolised book and the popular    
,protestant ,moody and  ,sankey heaven4 
7,by the bye1 can anyone inform us      
whether ,mr4 ,sankey is  really a ,jew1 
and not a ,christian ,jew1 as ,i have   
heard positively  asserted on ,hebrew   
authority87 ,as to the 8blasphemous     
irreverence0 and  the 8horrible and     
blasphemous invocation10 ,i deny the    
possibility of  blasphemy where there is
 no belief4 ,a man may blaspheme that   
which he  accounts worthy of reverence1 
because in speaking evil of it he       
violates  his own convictions and       
holiest feelings4 ,but if for me there  
is no ,god1  how can ,i blaspheme him8  
,speaking contemptuously of him1 ,i but 
contemn  nothing4 ,if the writer in the 

,christian ,world were accused of       
blasphemy for reviling ,jupiter and     
,venus1 ,brahma and ,vishnu1 ,baal and  
,moloch1 the ,goddess of ,reason and    
,mumbo ,jumbo1 he would reply1 ,i cannot
  blaspheme false gods1 meaning simply  
gods in whom he has no faith4 ,just  so1
    ,i say that ,i cannot blaspheme the 
trinity-in-unity of the ,christian1     
which to me is non-existent1 absurd1    
impossible4 ,it would be well for  the  
writers and readers of the ,christian   
,world to ponder these things4          
,,the ,,athanasian ,,creed      7#ahfe47
    ,on ,christmas day1 as on all other 
chief holidays of the year1 the         
ministers and congregations of our      
,national ,church have had the noble    
privilege and pleasure of standing up   
and reciting the creed commonly  called 
of ,st4 ,athanasius4 ,the question of   
the authorship does not  concern us     
here1 but a note of ,gibbon 7chapter    
#cg7 is so brief and  comprehensive that
 we may as well cite it3--8,but the     

three following  truths1 however strange
 they may seem1 are now universally     
acknowledged4 #a4 ,st4 ,athanasius is   
not the author of the creed which is  so
 frequently read in our churches4 #b4   
,it does not appear to have  existed    
within a century after his death4 #c4   
,it was originally composed  in the     
,latin tongue1 and consequently in the  
western provinces4  ,gennadius1         
patriarch of ,constantinople1 was so    
much amazed by this  extraordinary      
composition1 that he frankly pronounced 
it to be the work  of a drunken man40   
7,this ,gennadius1 by the bye1 is the   
same whom ,gibbon  mentions two or three
 times afterwards in the account of the 
siege and  conquest of ,constantinople  
by the ,turks1 a4d4 #adec74    ,whoever 
elaborated the ,creed1 and whether he   
did it drunk or sober1 the  ,church of  
,england has made it thoroughly her own 
by adoption4    ,yet it must be admitted
 that many good churchmen1 and perhaps  
even a few  churchwomen1 have not loved 

this adopted child of their ,holy       
,mother as  warmly as their duty        
commanded4 ,the intelligently pious     
,tillotson wishes ,mother ,church well  
rid of the bantling2 and poor ,george   
the ,third himself1 with all his immense
 genius for orthodoxy1 could not  take  
kindly to it4 ,he was willing enough to 
repeat all its expressions  of          
theological faith--in fact1 their       
perfect nonsense1 their obstinate       
irrationality1 must have been           
exquisitely delightful to a brain such  
as  his2 but he was not without a sort  
of vulgar manhood1 even when            
worshipping in the ,chapel ,royal1 and  
so rather choked at its                 
denunciations--8for it do curse         
dreadful40 ,he could keep the faith     
whole  and undefiled by reason1 yet did 
not like to assert that all who had     
been and were and should in future be in
 this particular less happy than        
himself1 must without doubt perish      
everlastingly4    ,on the other hand one

 of our most liberal ,churchmen1 ,mr4   
,maurice1 has  argued that this creed is
 essentially merciful1 and that its     
retention  in the ,book of ,common      
,prayer is a real benefit4 ,mr4         
,maurice1 however1 as  we all know1     
interprets 8perish everlastingly0 into a
 meaning very  different from that which
 most members of the ,church accept4    
,and his  opinions lose considerably in 
weight from the fact that no man save   
himself can infer any one of them from  
any other4 ,for example1 if you  are    
cheered up a bit by his notions as to   
8,eternal0 and 8,everlasting10  you are 
soon depressed again by his pervading   
woefulness4 ,of all the  rulers we hear 
of--the ex-king of ,naples1 the king of 
,prussia1 the  ,elector of              
,hesse-,cassel1 ,abraham ,lincoln1 and  
the ,pope included--the poor  ,god of   
,mr4 ,maurice is the most to be pitied3 
a ,god whose world is in so  deplorable 
a state that the good man who owns ,him 
lives in a perpetual  fever of anxiety  

and misery in endeavoring to improve it 
for ,him4    ,what part of this creed   
shocks the pious who are shocked at all 
by it8  ,simply the comprehensive       
damnation it deals out to unbelievers1  
half-believers1 and all except whole    
believers4 ,for we do not hear that  the
 pious are shocked by the confession of 
theological or theoillogical  faith     
itself4 ,their reverence bows and kisses
 the rod1 which we cool  outsiders might
 fairly have expected to be broken up   
and flung out of  doors in a fury of    
indignation4 ,their sinful human nature 
is shocked on  account of their         
fellow-men2 their divine religious      
nature is not  shocked on account of    
their ,god3 yet does not the creed use  
,god as badly  as man8    ,a chemist    
secures some air1 and analyses it into  
its ultimate  constituents1 and states  
with precise numerals the proportions of
  oxygen1 nitrogen1 and carbonic acid   
therein4 ,just so the author of this    
creed secures the ,divinity and analyses

 it into ,father1 ,son1 and ,holy       
,ghost1 and just as precisely he reports
 the relations of these4 ,a             
mathematician makes you a problem of a  
certain number divided into three  parts
 in certain ratios to each other and to 
the sum1 from which ratios  you are to  
deduce the sum and the parts4 ,just so  
the author of this  creed makes a riddle
 of his ,god1 dividing him into three   
persons1 from  whose inter-relations you
 are to deduce the ,deity4 ,an anatomist
 gets  hold of a dead body and dissects 
it exposing the structure and functions 
of the brain1 the lungs1 the heart1 etc4
 ,just so the author of this  creed gets
 possession of the corpse of ,god 7,he  
died of starvation doing  slop-work for 
,abstraction and ,company2 and the dead 
body was purveyed by  the well-known    
resurrectionist ,priestcraft71 and cuts 
it open and  expounds the generation and
 functions of its three principal       
organs4 ,but  the chemist does not tell 
us that oxygen1 nitrogen1 and carbonic  

acid  are three gases and yet one gas1  
that each of them is and is not common  
air1 that they have each peculiar and   
yet wholly identical properties2  the   
mathematician does not tell us that each
 of the three parts of his  whole number
 is equal to the whole1 and equal to    
each of the others1 and  yet less than  
the whole and unequal to either of the  
others2 the  anatomist does not tell us 
that brain and lungs and heart are each 
distinct and yet all the same in        
substance1 structure1 and function1 and 
that each is in itself the whole body   
and at the same time is not3 while  the 
author of this creed does tell us       
analogous contradictions of the  three  
members and the whole of his ,god4 ,and 
the chemist1 the  mathematician1 and the
 anatomist do not damn us 7except1      
perhaps1 by way  of expletive at our    
stupidity7 if we fail to understand and 
believe  their enunciations2 but the    
author of this creed very seriously and 
solemnly damns to everlasting perdition 

all who cannot put faith in his4  ,in   
other words1 the chemist1 the           
mathematician and the anatomist try to  
be as reasonable and tolerant as human  
nature can hope to be2 while the  author
 of this creed aims at and manages to   
reach an almost superhuman  unreason and
 intolerance4    ,giving him the full   
benefit of this difference1 the fact    
remains that in  other respects he      
treats his subject just as they treat   
theirs4 ,he1 a  pious ,christian1       
professing unbounded adoration and awe  
of his ,divinity1  coolly analyses and  
makes riddles of and dissects this      
,divinity as if it  were a sample of    
air1 a certain number1 a dead body4     
,this humble-minded  devotee1 who knows 
so well that he is finite and that ,god 
is infinite1  and that the finite cannot
 conceive1 much less comprehend1 much   
less  express the infinite1 yet expounds
 this ,infinite with the most complete  
and complacent knowledge1 turns it      
inside out and upside down1 tells us    

all about it1 cuts it up into three     
parts1 and then glues it together  again
 with a glue that has the tenacity of   
atrocious wrongheadeduess  instead of   
the coherence of logic1 puts his mark   
upon it1 and says1  8,this is the only  
genuine thing in the ,god line4 ,if you 
are taken in by  any other1 why1 go and 
be damned20 and having done all this1   
finishes by  chanting 8,glory be to the 
,father1 and to the ,son1 and to the    
,holy  ,ghost60 ,and the pious are not  
shocked by what they should abhor as    
horrible sacrilege and blasphemy2 they  
are shocked only by the 8,go1 and  be   
damned10 which is the prologue and      
epilogue of the blasphemy4 ,were  the   
damnatory clauses omitted1 it appears   
that even the most devout  worshippers  
could comfortably chant the 8,glory be  
to the ,father1 and to  the ,son1 and to
 the ,holy ,ghost0 immediately after    
they had been thus  degrading ,father1  
,son1 and ,holy ,ghost to the level and 
beneath the level  of their low human   

understanding4 ,and these very people   
are horrified by  the lack of veneration
 in ,atheists and infidels6 ,what       
infidel ever dealt  with ,god more      
contemptuously and blasphemously than   
this creed has dealt  with him8 ,can it 
be expected that sane and sensible men1 
who have  out-grown the prejudices      
sucked in with their mothers' milk1 will
 be  reconverted to reverence a ,deity  
whom his votaries dare to treat in this 
fashion8    ,ere we conclude1 it may be 
as well to anticipate a probable        
objection4  ,it may likely enough be    
urged that the author and reciters cf   
the creed  do not pretend to know the   
,deity so thoroughly as we have assumed1
 since  they avouch very early in the   
creed that the three persons of the     
,godhead are one and all                
incomprehensible4 ,if the word          
incomprehensible1  thus used1 means     
7what it apparently meant in the        
author's mind7  unlimited as to         
extension1 just as the word eternal     

means unlimited as  to time1 the        
objection is altogether wide of the     
mark44 ,but even if the  word           
incomprehensible be taken to mean 7what 
it apparently means in the  minds of    
most people who use the creed7 beyond   
the comprehension or  capacity of the   
human intellect1 still the objection is 
without force4  ,for in the same sense a
 tuft of grass1 a stone1 anything and   
everything  in the world is beyond the  
capacity of the human intellect3 the    
roots of  a tuft of grass strike as     
deeply into the incomprehensible as the 
mysteries of the ,deity4 ,relatively    
this creed tells us quite as much  about
 ,god as ever the profoundest botanist  
can tell us about the grass2  in fact1  
it tells relatively more1 for it implies
 a knowledge of the  ,final ,cause of   
the subsistence of ,god1 which no future
 botanist can  tell or imply of the     
grass4          ,,our ,,obstructions    
7#ahgg47    ,walking along the ,strand  
and ,fleet ,street and through the heart

 of the  ,city1 noting the churches on  
the way--high ,st4 ,martin's1 ,st4      
,mary-le-,strand1 ,st4 ,clement ,danes1 
the ,cathedral1 and the many still  left
 wedged in by offices in the narrowest  
and busiest streets1 or lanes  of       
,london--,i am always reminded of the   
old wooden ships laid up 8in  ordinary10
 as one sees them at ,plymouth and      
,portsmouth1 and elsewhere4  ,the       
churches1 like the ships1 though not so 
surely1 may have done good  service in  
their time2 but their day is past1 never
 to return4 ,when we  reflect on the    
subject1 however1 we find manifold      
differences between  the state of the   
churches and that of the ships4 ,these  
are dismantled1  unrigged and dismasted1
 passive white hulls ghostly on the     
waters1 as it  were the phantoms of the 
old swift-winged and thunder-striking   
eagles of  battle4 ,but the churches    
remain in all their pride1 complete in  
equipment from lowest vault to topmost  
spire1 even those which are shut  silent

 all the week1 without the least        
pretence of use1 and in which on        
,sunday the droning and drowsy worship  
of a meagre congregation 8rattles  like 
a withered kernel in a large shell40    
,again1 the crews of the ships  were    
discharged as soon as these were put out
 of commission1 while the  full crews of
 the churches1 rectors1 vicars1 ushers1 
beadles1 are kept  on at full pay1 and  
saunter through the old exercises and   
parades as if  they were valiant        
effectives instead of dummies and shams4
 ,and this  death-in-life of the        
churches is more dreary and doleful than
 the naked  death of the ships4         
,these churches officially and effetely 
represent what is called the  ,english  
,reformation1 the most ignoble in       
,europe2 which1 as ,macaulay  remarks1  
merely transferred the full cup from the
 hand of the ,pope to  the hand of the  
,king1 spilling as little1as possible by
 the way4 ,it is  true that the ,state  
,church thus established1 in spite of   

its illogical  position1 boasted great  
men in its early days1 inspired by      
patriotism as  against ,rome1 with      
abounding faith for the mysteries1 with 
firm belief  in the ,bible1 with full   
confidence in metaphysical divinity4    
,but now  ,rome is formidable no longer1
 the mysteries are seen to be not only  
incomprehensible but self-contradictory1
 the ,bible has been torn asunder  by   
criticism1 metaphysical divinity has    
been proved baseless2 all the  best     
thought of the age abandons the ,church 
and disregards its dogmas2  it has great
 men no more1 nor ever again will have4 
,its general  character is well hit off 
by ,ruskin1 himself a devoted           
,christian1 in the  phrase 8the smooth  
proprieties of lowland ,protestantism40'
 ,it may be  worth while to quote a     
little more from him on this subject    
78,modern  ,painters10 part v41 chap4   
#bj1 8,the ,mountain ,glory07--8,but    
still the large  aspect of the matter is
 always1 among ,protestants1 that       

formalism1  respectability1 orthodoxy1  
caution and propriety1 live by the slow 
stream that encircles the lowland abbey 
or cathedral2 and that  enthusiasm1     
poverty1 vital faith and audacity of    
conduct1 characterise  the pastor       
dwelling by the torrent side40 ,and     
again3 8,among the fair  arable lands of
 ,england and ,belgium extends an       
orthodox ,protestantism or              
,catholicism--prosperous1 creditable and
 drowsy2 but it is among the  purple    
moors of the highland border1 the       
ravines of ,mount ,genvre1 and  the     
crags of the ,tyrol1 that we shall find 
the simplest evangelical  faith and the 
purest ,romanist practice40 ,in other   
words1 in religion the  highlander is   
enthusiastic and superstitious1 the     
low-lander lukewarm  and worldly4 ,thus 
our fat ,english ,church still keeps to 
the text1 8,by  grace ye are saved20 but
 its grace now is chiefly of deportment4
 ,it  boasts that its clergy are        
gentlemen2 and they may be1 as a rule1  

in  society1 though we unbelievers      
seldom find them so in controversy2 and 
it seems to be persuaded that we should 
continue to allow it several  million   
pounds a year to keep up this supply of 
gentlemen1 when every  profession1 every
 trade shows gentlemen quite as good1   
with the  advantages of more intellect1 
more experience of life1 more courage   
and  more sincerity4    ,there is indeed
 a section of the clergy full of        
zeal--to restore the  priesthood4 ,how  
some of these gentlemen compound with   
their consciences  in taking ,english   
pay and position for doing ,romish work1
 is a standing  puzzle to honest laymen 
untrained in casuistry4 ,but as they do 
rank  themselves among the parsons of   
our ,state ,church1 their ecclesiastical
  pretensions are even more ludicrous   
than they are outrageously arrogant4    
,for ever preaching up the authority and
 discipline of the ,church1 they  are   
the first to rebel against it when it   
does not suit their whims4  ,thus ,mr4  

,tooth1 of ,hatcham1 not only defies an 
,act of ,parliament1 but  also defies   
his bishop1 and has plenty of abettors  
in doing both4 ,i read  in the ,daily   
,news3 8,two of ,mr4 ,tooth's           
supporters1 whose letters we  have      
published1 insist that the ,public      
,worship ,regulation ,act is not law    
and is not binding on ,churchmen1       
because it has never received the       
sanction of ,convocation0--the said     
,convocation having about as much       
influence and authority in the country  
as a tavern discussion society4         
,again3 8,one writer talks of the       
,church having been declared to be free 
from all civil jurisdiction in spiritual
 affairs by many successive             
,sovereigns4 ,we did not know that our  
,sovereigns had a right to make laws  by
 ,royal declarations1 and not merely for
 their own time1 but for all  time4     
,according to these principles of       
constitutional government we have  three
 rival law-making powers in             

,england--the ,parliament1 with the     
,sovereign for one2 the ,declaration of 
the ,sovereign for another2 and         
,convocation for a third4 ,of these     
,parliament would seem to be the        
weakest1 for it cannot negative the     
proceedings of the other two2 but       
either of these two can declare invalid 
what it has done40 ,can anything  be    
more absurd8 ,here is a ,state ,church  
established by ,parliament with  the    
sanction of the monarch1 endowed with   
national endowments1 liable to  be      
disestablished and disendowed by        
,parliament with the sanction of the    
monarch2 yet many of its ministers claim
 to be free from the authority  of the  
,state and ,parliament to which it owes 
its existence and  subsistence6 ,if they
 really desire such freedom1 they can   
easily obtain  it4 ,they have but to    
sever their adulterous connexion with   
the ,state1  restoring to the nation the
 endowments they have so long misused1  
and  they will then be emancipated from 

all control1 at liberty to teach what   
doctrines and practise what ritual they 
please4 ,but these  super-spiritual     
clergy keep a desperate clutch on the   
revenues4 ,if  anything could be more   
absurd than the defiance of ,parliament1
 it would  be the defiance of their     
ecclesiastical superiors by these       
champions of  absolute ecclesiastical   
subordination4 ,his bishop inhibits ,mr4
 ,tooth1  ,mr4 ,tooth coolly disregards 
the inhibition1 and one who sympathises 
with  him calmly writes to the ,daily   
,news8 8,considering how bishops have   
been appointed since the ,reformation1  
it is hard to see why ,mr4 ,tooth  and  
your correspondents should even pretend 
to obey them40 ,this is  frightful1 and 
may well make even the hardened sceptic 
shudder4 ,what6 a  genuine successor of 
the ,apostles 7else the ,english ,church
 has no  genuine priesthood7 chosen by  
the ,holy ,ghost itself 7in obedience to
 the  recommendation of the ,king or    
,queen7 against his own humble wish 7for

 he  declared ,nolo ,episcopari72 and   
,english ,churchmen need not even       
pretend  to obey him6 ,such is the      
subordination of those who maintain the 
extreme  authority of the ,church6      
,jesus has told us that a house divided 
against itself cannot stand1 and  the   
house of our ,state ,church is divided  
against itself most savagely4  ,but as  
the factions1 while opposed to each     
other in all else1 thoroughly  agree in 
adhering to their endowments and        
privileges1 and with this  object shore 
up and buttress the edifice whose fall  
would be otherwise  imminent1 it behoves
 us to exert ourselves in bringing to   
the ground as  speedily as possible the 
unsure and dangerous building1 and      
diverting  the immense funds misemployed
 in sustaining its uselessness to the   
real  edification of the people4 ,for as
 materially the ,church of ,st4 ,mary is
  planted silent1 void and death-like in
 the midst of the living currents  of   
the ,strand1 obstructing and breaking   

the broad stream into two narrow  arms1 
so intellectually and morally1 in       
whatever channel our active life  may   
flow1 we find a similar obstacle1 and in
 all directions we meet one  cry--8,the 
,church stops the way40    ,but when we 
have removed the obstacle1 when we have 
blasted it as the  ,americans recently  
blasted that other rock of ,hell-gate1  
clearing the  entrance to ,new ,york's  
noble harbor1 we shall find another and 
a more  inveterate obstacle fronting    
us--a ,book4 ,a book seems but a slight 
thing  to bar the way2 but multiplied by
 millions and millions1 and desperately 
defended as divine and infallible by    
legions of zealots1 it constitutes  a   
far more formidable barricade than the  
stoutest church of stone4 ,the  various 
sects of ,nonconformists1 who all join  
with us in attacking the  ,state        
,church1 will all join the ,churchmen to
 maintain against us their  common      
fetish1 the ,bible4 ,regarding this as a
 human production1 there is  much of it 

which we highly esteem2 but regarded as 
the word of ,god1 it  works far more    
evil than good1 and the evil is ever    
increasing while the  good decreases2   
for the revelations of science grow ever
 more clear1 and  men must more and more
 strain their consciences and           
sophisticate their  intellects in order 
to believe that they believe in the     
super-human  character of the book which
 reason and science show to be so       
thoroughly  human4 ,we are told by men  
whom we respect that1 considered        
historically1  ,christianity and the    
other great religions merit better      
treatment than  we are wont to accord   
them4 ,certainly they merit better      
treatment than  is accorded them by     
those who crudely brand them all alike1 
in all their  doctrines and legends and 
ritual1 as the mere inventions of       
priestcraft  fostered by kingcraft and  
statecraft4 ,but we are far from        
committing  ourselves to such an        
impeachment1 not less monstrous than the

 most  monstrous superstition it        
assails4 ,we freely recognise the       
naturalness  of these religions in the  
past1 their genuine consonance with the 
communities wherein they arose and      
prevailed2 the sincerity and truth  and 
nobleness formulated1 however           
erroneously1 in many of their dogmas1   
embodied1 however imperfectly1 in many  
of their myths2 but we see that  their  
day is gone by2 we cannot allow the     
past1 which was the real  childhood and 
youth of mankind1 to dominate the       
present1 which is its  riper age2 we    
discern that the errors of the dogmas   
and the fiction of  the myths are now so
 obvious and incontestable that to      
revere them as  faultless and authentic 
is a gross self-delusion4 ,when we      
say--8,the tree  is dead2 cut it down1  
why cumbereth it the ground80 we do not 
imply that  it never bore good fruit4   
,on the other hand1 when we admit that  
it once  bore good fruit1 we do not     
imply that it is not now dead and an    

encumbrance to the ground4 ,it is       
precisely because we do consider these  
old faiths historically1 because we     
fully recognise their early  efficiency 
and vigor1 that we can thoroughly       
realise their decrepitude  and          
dissolution4 ,and taking western        
,christianity in particular1 both the   
,roman embodied in ,mary and the        
,protestant embodied in ,jesus1 we      
affirm  that it has no longer real life1
 but only the 8ghastly affectation of   
life40 ,reason and science have         
disembowelled it1 have removed its heart
  and its brain4 ,it is ready for the   
historical embalmer4 ,its great part  in
 the drama of human life is played out2 
it is still kept above ground1  its life
 still asserted1 because large numbers  
would lose much by the  frank           
acknowledgement of its decease1 and     
other large numbers who cannot  bring   
themselves to face the fact of its      
death1 persist in hoping  against hope  
that the lifelessness is hut a swoon or 

a cataleptic fit1  from which it will   
yet awaken with renewed strength4 ,we1  
however1 dare  to see what we cannot    
help seeing1 we venture to avow the fact
 which is  beyond fair dispute4         
,doubtless the living man did brave work
 in his  time2 but shall we therefore   
bow down worshipping his mummy1 and keep
 it  from its sepulchre1 and continue to
 allot immense revenues to his army  of 
servitors who have now no service to    
render8 ,no2 the sooner we bury  the    
corpse and send the servitors about     
their business the better for us  and   
for them4    ,thus far ,i think all     
,secularists will go with me4 ,but for  
many1 perhaps  the majority of us1 who  
are not only ,secularists1 but          
,republicans1 there  is a third great   
obstacle1 the ,throne1 which is now     
little else than a  costly sham4 ,yet1  
sham as it is1 it is still strong to    
obstruct1 being  encompassed and        
fortified by the power of the nobles1   
the power of the  clergy1 the power of  

the wealthy1 the degraded and degrading 
snobbishness of the middle and lower    
middle classes4 ,the artisans and       
laborers generally1 as we know1 care    
nothing for it or are distinctly        
hostile4 ,we have had some great        
monarchs1 though the greatest we ever   
had was crown-less1 and we can yield to 
monarchy in the past something  of such 
historical respect as we yield to       
,christianity4 ,but who that is  not a  
very serf by nature can feel any genuine
 respect for monarchy as  we have it in 
these days8 when the main duty of the   
,king or ,queen is to  countersign the  
decrees of ,parliament2 a duty which the
 ,lord ,chancellor  or the ,speaker     
could perform just as well and with more
 promptitude4 ,one  need not dwell on   
the character of the reigning house1    
which1 brought  ignobly to the throne1  
has been consistently ignoble from the  
first  until the accession of her       
present ,most ,gracious ,majesty4 ,a    
much nobler  royal family would be just 

as superfluous now as the present we    
have  outgrown the need of a paternal or
 guardian king4 ,nor is the question of 
principle really affected by the fact   
that this ignoble family1 like  other   
species of the lower animals1 is        
excessively prolific1 and that  every   
prince or princess born of it1 costs us 
several thousands a year4  ,we should   
not grudge the money for service        
rendered2 the gravamen of our           
impeachment is that no monarch now can  
render service of value4 ,the  effective
 energy of our monarchy in these days is
 well symbolised in the  procedure at   
the opening of ,parliament--royal       
carriages without royal  occupants2     
royal life-guards with no royal life to 
guard2 a royal robe  spread on a vacant 
throne2 the ,lord ,chancellor reading a 
royal speech  composed by responsible   
ministers4 ,her ,majesty during fourteen
 long  years has been doing her best to 
teach us how well we can get on without 
a monarch1 and how stupid we are        

therefore to keep one at a great        
expense4 ,we may find something         
venerable in the throne when put aside  
and conserved simply as a curious relic 
of the past2 we find it merely  absurd  
while retained for useless use1 a       
pretentious seat with no one to  sit in 
it4 ,as ,thophile says3 8,si rien nest  
plus beau que l'antique1  est plus laid 
que le surann40          ,,mr4          
,,kingsley',s ,,convertites             
7#ahfe47    ,readers can scarcely have  
forgotten the amusing 8turn-up0 between 
the  ,rev4 ,mr4 ,kingsley and the ,rev4 
,dr4 ,newman1 in which the latter got   
the  former 8into ,chancery10 and       
punished him so pitilessly4 ,while      
reading  the 8,apologia pro ,vit ,sua10 
one naturally reflected now and then    
upon  the opinions1 as stated in the    
books1 of ,dr4 ,newman's antagonist2 and
  the fight grew more and more comically
 exquisite as one gradually learnt  the 
thorough agreement at bottom of the two 
who were struggling so  fiercely at top4

 ,when ,i speak of ,mr4 ,kingsley's     
books1 ,i mean his novels  and romances1
 all of which 7except the one not yet   
completely published7  ,i have duly read
 and enjoyed4 ,as for certain           
collections of sermons1 a  dialogue for 
loose thinkers1 a jeu d'esprit on the   
,pentateuch1  together with various     
trifles by way of lectures on history   
and  philosophy1 ,i confess that none of
 these have ,i ever even attempted to   
peruse4 ,to palliate this sin of        
omission ,i can only urge the high      
probability that a man of ,mr4          
,kingsley's character must find much    
more  vigorous and ample expression in a
 free and easy novel than in any        
didactic or argumentative treatise1 with
 its wearisome requirements of          
consecutiveness and cramping limitations
 of logic4 ,i now ask the leaders  of   
the ,national ,reformer to accompany me 
in a general review of his  romances1   
because ,i think that such a review will
 develop two or three  facts seldom     

noticed in the critiques--whether       
friendly or adverse--that  abound upon  
his writings4 ,especially1 ,i think that
 it will be found that  the popular     
phrases1 8,muscular ,christianity0 and  
8,broad ,church10 by no  means          
sufficiently characterise his religious 
tendency2 and that1 with  all the       
superficial unlikeness1 almost amounting
 to perfect contrast  between him and   
,dr4 ,newman1 the opponents as religious
 men are  fundamentally alike in        
this--that their respective creeds      
satisfy1 or  appear to satisfy1 in the  
same manner the same peculiarly intense 
want  in their several natures4    ,in  
every one of ,mr4 ,kingsley's romances  
there is a chief personage1 more  or    
less naturally good but decidedly       
godless at the beginning1  god-fearing  
and saintly at the end4 ,some of the    
romances have each two  or three of     
these convertites1 the throes of whose  
regeneration are the  principal         
8motives0 of the most striking scenes1  

and may be thus fairly  said to furnish 
the plot and passion of the book4 ,my   
present object is  not aesthetic1 and ,i
 therefore need not argue the question  
whether  narratives thus constructed can
 have any claim to rank as genuine works
  of art4 ,with the melancholy ,jaques  
in 8,as ,you ,like ,it10 ,i believe3    
,out of these ,convertites      ,there  
is much matter to be heard and learned--
    so will stay 8to see no pastime1    
,i10 but run through the stories of     
these conversions1 touching only the    
most salient points4    ,alton ,locke1  
when adolescent1 is a very poor tailor1 
a poet whose verses  are far more       
vigorous than his character1 a chartist1
 a sceptic4 ,he  madly falls in love    
with a ,dean's daughter1 and through the
 patronage of  the ,dean himself1 gets a
 volume of poems published4 ,as the     
fiercest of  the rhymes have been       
soothed out of this volume by the       
decorous ,dean1  ,radical friends       
forward to young ,locke a pair of       

plush-breeches--fitting  testimonial to 
the flunkeyism conspicuous in the       
omissions4 ,he is  imprisoned for       
inciting a rustic mob to a ,chartist    
outbreak1 confounds  the prison chaplain
 by sporting the latest novelties in    
heresy direct  from ,germany1 shares    
when released in the delirium of the    
memorable  tenth of ,april1 finds that  
the lady of his love is to be married to
 his  cousin1 and consummates the long  
orgy of excitement with a desperate     
fever4 ,the ,dean had directed his      
attention to the study of natural       
history2 hence the frenzy of the fever  
takes a zoological turn1 and he         
undergoes therein marvellous            
transmigrations through a series of     
antediluvian monsters2 awaking at last  
to sane consciousness 7sane             
comparatively1 he is never quite in his 
right senses1 poor fellow7 to  find     
himself nursed by a young widow1 the    
dean's elder daughter1 who  soothes him 
with ladings from ,tennyson4 ,she has   

very recently lost her  husband1 who was
 merely a brilliant nobleman1 and she   
herself a  ,convertite2 in a few days   
the modest ,alton is hinting at a       
declaration  to her4 ,she will not marry
 him1 nor indeed any other man1 but she 
sends  him out to ,south ,america on a  
special poetical mission4 ,on the voyage
  thither he dies1 a believer1          
regenerate1 leaving as legacy to his    
friends and the world at large a        
war-song of the ,church 7ferociously7   
,militant4 ,what has converted him8--the
 plush breeches8 the crash of the  tenth
 of ,april8 the loss of his first lady  
love8 the reading of the                
8,lotus-eaters80 the delirious ,fugue of
 ,fossils8 ,some or all of these it     
must be supposed2 for weak though he    
was1 he surely could not have been      
seriously influenced by the comical     
caricatures of ,socratic dialectics1    
which the ,dean sometimes played with   
him in lieu of chess or backgammon4     
,next comes ,yeast1 whose great         

,convertite is ,lancelot ,smith4 ,he is 
introduced to us as fresh from          
,cambridge1 a stalwart gallant fellow of
  great abilities1 rather debauched1 but
 discontented with his debauchery1  and 
utterly without fixed creed4 ,an        
accident confines him long to the  house
 of the ,squire whom he is visiting4    
,during his convalescence he  becomes a 
lover of one of the ,squire's           
daughters--a young lady whose           
vernacular name is ,argemone1 and who is
 herself rapidly growing a  perfect     
saint4 ,he also becomes the friend of a 
gamekeeper who reads  ,carlyle1 writes  
poetry1 and has experienced special     
religious  illumination4 ,lancelot then 
loses all his fortune by the failure of 
his  uncle's bank1 and loses his        
sweetheart by the sulphuretted-hydrogen 
fever2 turns street-porter for the nonce
 to earn a bit of bread1 and  finally   
goes off one knows not whither2 an      
excellent fervid ,christian1  after     
playing through several bewildering     

pages a wild burlesque of the  ,platonic
 dialogue with a personage so mysterious
 that ,i prefer not to  attempt a       
description of him4 ,what has converted 
,lancelot8 ,the loss of  his money and  
the death of his sweetheart seem to have
 been the main  influences4 ,for        
although he was stunned with calamity1  
,i will not deem  him so stupefied as to
 think that he was made a believer by   
the  unintelligible dialogue4    ,then  
follows ,hypatia4 ,and here ,i may      
remark that ,i am unable to concur  in  
what seems the general opinion--namely1 
that ,mr4 ,kingsley intended his        
heroine to represent the character of   
the ,hypatia of history4 ,although      
living in the same city at the same     
period1 both lecturing on  philosophy1  
and both ultimately murdered by         
,christian mobs2 it appears  to me that1
 as women1 the two ,hypatias differed so
 much from each other  that no one      
having heard them talk for five minutes 
could have the  slightest doubt as to   

which was which4 ,history and ,mr4      
,kingsley have  each composed an        
acrostic on this lovely name1 and with  
the same bouts  rimes2 but the body 7and
 the spirit7 of the one poem is         
extremely  unlike the body 7and the     
spirit7 of the other4 ,mr4 ,kingsley    
proffers us  an ancient cup and a flask1
 ,greek-lettered 8,wine of ,cyprus02 we 
commence  to drink solemnly and         
devoutly1 but--,o most miserable        
mockery6 it is  indubitable brandy and  
water4 ,well may he call this an old foe
 with a  new face6 ,the ,kingsley       
,hypatia is not altogether1 but is very 
nearly a  ,convertite2 so nearly that he
 would certainly have made her          
altogether  one1 had not the bouts      
rime's been too well known for          
alteration4 ,her  best pupil 7of whom   
more anon7 abandons her1 she begins to  
love a  beautiful young ,greek monk1 and
 yet 7that philosophy may have the help 
of worldly power in its mortal duel with
 ,christianity7 consents to marry  the  

,prefect of ,alexandria1 whom she very  
justly despises4 ,while  miserable with 
the consciousness of how low she is     
stooping to conquer1  she is fascinated 
or mesmerised by an old ,jewish hag1 and
 crouches in a  sort of fetish worship  
to what she thinks a statue of ,apollo1 
said  statue being represented by the   
handsome monk4 ,in the agony of shame   
which follows her discovery of this     
cheat she performs a short parody of    
the ,socratic dialogue in concert with  
the pupil who had left her and who  has 
returned a ,christian1 and at last1 when
 going to the lecture hall  7where      
murder shall prevent her from ever      
lecturing more7 she confesses  to a     
certain longing for ,christianity4 ,why8
 ,she was wretched1  humiliated1        
defeated1 weary2 she had staked all on  
the red1 and had  lost--what more       
natural than a yearning to try the      
black8 ,and this  character is published
 and generally received for the ,hypatia
 of  history6    ,but the great         

,convertite of this romance is the pupil
 already mentioned1  the renegade ,jew1 
,raphael ,ben ,ezra4 ,in the prime of   
life1 wealthy1 the  favorite comrade of 
the ,prefect1 superlatively gifted with 
that subtle  ,hebrew clearness1 which1  
swayed by a strong will and intense     
self-love1  can scarcely be             
distinguished from genius1 we find him  
in the opening  chapters already as used
 up as the old ,king ,solomon of        
,ecclesiastes1  having exhausted all    
excitements of wine1 women1 and         
philosophy1 all  voluptuousness1        
physical and intellectual4 ,desperate   
with ennui1 he  abandons ,hypatia1 casts
 away his wealth 7how many ,jews do the 
same671  barters clothes with a beggar1 
and sets out to wander the world with an
  amiable ,british bull-bitch           
7afterwards the happy mother of nine    
sweet  infants7 for his sole guide1     
philosopher and friend4 ,the chapter    
wherein  his ,pyrrhonism disported      
itself 8on the floor of the bottomless0 

seems  to have been1 in great measure1  
borrowed from the talk of one           
,babbalanja  in ,herman ,melville's     
8,mardi20 perhaps1 however1 both were   
borrowed  direct from ,jean ,paul's     
gigantic grotesque1 8,titan40 ,becoming 
involved  in the meshes of the great war
 in ,africa--that revolt of ,heraclian  
against ,honorius which ,gibbon treats  
with such contemptuous brevity in  his  
thirty-first chapter--he is nearly      
killed himself1 saves an old  officer   
from death and soon falls in love with  
this officer's daughter4  ,he reads     
about this time certain epistles1 and   
infers therefrom that  ,saul of ,tarsus 
was one of the finest gentlemen that    
ever lived4 ,also1  while the guest of  
good ,bishop ,synesius1 he hears ,saint 
,augustine  preach1 and engages with him
 in long discussions1 fortunately       
unreported4 ,returning to ,alexandria1  
he almost converts ,hypatia1 sees  her  
murdered1 sharpens his tongue on ,cyril 
the primate1 and leaves again  to marry 

his saintly sweetheart1 and end his lire
 as quite a model  ,christian4 ,what has
 converted him8 ,his love for the young 
,christian8 the  gentlemanly character  
of ,paul's ,epistles8 the bull-bitch    
with her  ninefold litter1 like         
,shakespere's nightmare8 the murder of  
,hypatia by  the ,christians1 who rent1 
and tore and shred her living body to   
fragments8 ,or was it mere satiety and  
weariness of thinking--the  weariness   
which leads so many who thought freely  
when young to find a  resting-place in  
the bosom of the ,church as they get    
old8    ,in 8,westward1 ,ho60 the great 
conversion is of ,ayacanorah4 ,but as   
this is  a conversion not merely        
religious but also moral1 social and    
intellectual1 a conversion from         
barbarism to civilisation1 it does not  
come fairly into the class ,i am        
describing4 ,two incidents in the       
romance1 however1 must not be passed    
over4 ,the first occurs in the          
,lotus-eating chapter4 ,will ,para-combe

 tired1 as well he may be1 of  wandering
 about savage ,america in search of ,el 
,dorado1 blindly refuses  to see that it
 is his chief end as man to continue    
wandering until ,el  ,dorado is found   
and the captain has glutted his heart   
with vengeance on  the ,spaniards2 and  
,will gives such excellent reasons for  
staying in the  beautiful spot where he 
is1 with the beautiful and affectionate 
native  woman whom he is willing and    
anxious to marry in the most legal mode 
attainable1 that ,captain ,amyas ,leigh1
 who has been urging him onward  with   
true ,kingsleyan diffidence and         
mildness1 finds himself dumbfounded4    
,but valuable logical assistance is at  
hand4 ,a jaguar like a bar of iron      
plunges on poor ,will1 and he and his   
arguments are settled on the spot4      
,amyas thanks ,god for this special     
interposition of providence in his      
favor4 ,and the man who wrote the       
adventure of ,amyas can sneer at the    
faith of a ,catholic like ,dr4 ,newman6 

,the other incident is the  conversion  
of ,amyas from his diabolical hatred of 
the ,spaniards in  general1 and of the  
,don with whom ,rose had eloped in      
particular4 ,a  lightning-flash strikes 
him blind1 and he thereupon repents him 
of his  hatred and desire of revenge1   
and1 moreover1 has a vision of the ,don 
drowned with his sunken galleon1 who    
assures him that his hatred was  without
 just cause4 ,these are the true        
,kingsleyan dialectics2 these1 and  not 
those burlesques of what ,plato wrote   
and ,socrates spoke1 and ,mr4  ,kingsley
 is no more able to conduct than ,i am  
to lead on the violin like  ,herr       
,joachim1 a great concerted composition 
of ,beethoven4 ,let a jaguar  loose into
 your opponent's syllogistic premises1  
blind him with a  lightning-flash that  
he may see the truth and have clear     
vision of the  right way4 ,yet ,mr4     
,kingsley has undoubtedly read about a  
tower in ,siloam  that fell1 and what   
,joshua ,bar-,joseph said of the people 

killed by this  accident4    ,lastly1 we
 have 8,two ,years ,ago10 whose great   
,convertite is ,tom ,thumal4  ,tom is   
one of the jolliest of characters1 true 
as steel1 tough as oak1  quick and deft 
for all emergencies1 a compact mass of  
common sense1 and  courage1 and energy1 
living in the most godless state1 ,he is
 not a  heathen--he is more godless yet2
 for a heathen has something of wood or 
stone which serves him for a deity4 ,in 
the ,saga of ,saint ,olaf 7in that      
great and glorious work 8,the           
,heims-kringla07 we read how this pious 
and  terrible king going to his last    
battle was asked by two brothers1 who   
were freebooters1 for permission to     
fight in his ranks4 ,but although  these
 and their followers were 8tall0 men1   
and the king was in sore need  of       
recruits1 he would not accept their     
services unless they believed in        
,christ4 ,whereupon they answered that  
they saw no special need of the  help of
 the 8,white ,christ02 that they had    

been hitherto wont to believe  in       
themselves and their own luck1 and with 
this belief had managed to  pull through
 very well1 and thought they could do   
the same for the  future4 ,ultimately1  
these excellent fellows did consent to  
be baptised  and called ,christians--not
 from any religious motive1 alas6 but   
only  because of a 8shtrong wakeness0   
they had for taking part in a set       
battle4 ,tom ,thurnal has just as much1 
and as little1 religion as these  had4  
,after wandering all over the world in  
all sorts of capacities1 he  comes back 
to be shipwrecked on the ,cornish coast1
 and is the only one  on board saved4   
,while he is being dragged up the beach 
senseless1 his  belt of money--the fruit
 of a season at the ,australian         
diggings--disappears2 and he resolves to
 settle in the village1 in order  to    
discover it or the thief4 ,here he falls
 in love with the village               
schoolmistress1 a sweet mystical        
devotee1 whom he rather suspects of     

stealing his gold1 and whom he defends  
from one ruffian in order to  grossly   
insult her himself4 ,in the village ,tom
 is doctor1 and1 when the  cholera      
comes1 he is assisted in bringing the   
village through it by this  saintly     
schoolmistress1 and a pious ,major1 and 
a fervid ,high ,church  parson4 ,at the 
breaking out of the ,crimean ,war1 ,tom 
gets charged with a  secret mission to  
the ,east4 ,somewhere in ,turkey1 in    
,asia1 an imbecile  ,sheikh or ,pasha   
whom he is endeavoring to serve1        
mistakes his manuvres1  and keeps him in
 captivity for a year or two4 ,from this
 imprisonment he  comes home crushed and
 abject1 8afraid in passing a house that
 it would  fall and smother him10 etc41 
marries his sweetheart and ends a model 
,christian4 ,what has converted him8    
,simply1 it appears1 the year or two  of
 solitary confinement--which took all   
the pith and manhood out of him4  ,this 
last case1 the work of ,mr4 ,kingsley in
 the full maturity of his  powers1 is   

the most flagrant of all4    ,if ,i have
 not summed up these cases fairly1 the  
novels and romances in  question are in 
everybody's hands to convict me of the  
unfairness4 ,i  have simply sketched the
 leading points as they remain in my    
memory1 not  referring to the books     
again to pick out what would best serve 
my  purpose4 ,it is not my fault if the 
personages1 who looked so great and     
grandiose in the flowing and ample      
draperies of romance1 do not strip  well
 for anatomy4    ,now1 what is common to
 all these cases of conversion8 ,this3  
that the  characters become religious1  
not when healthy1 but when diseased2 the
  religion in every case is exhibited as
 a drug for the sick1 not as  wholesome 
food for the healthy4 ,while you are    
sane1 well and hearty1  doing your work 
in the world deftly1 sound in mind1 and 
wind1 and limb1  and fairly prosperous1 
you have no need of this religion--you  
can get  through the world very well    
without it4 ,but when your fortune is   

lost1  your sweetheart dead or married  
to another1 your courage cowed1 your    
heart broken1 your mind diseased1 your  
self-respect humiliated1 then you  long 
for and embrace ,christianity 7or       
whatever religion is dominant  around   
you73 it is a soft pillow for the aching
 head1 a tender couch for  the bruised  
body1 a flattering nurse for the        
desolate invalid4 ,i can  scarcely add  
that it is a medicine for the sickness1 
for its medicinal  virtues are hardly   
shown2 but it is1 at any rate1 as we    
read of its  effects in these books1 a  
narcotic and an anodyne for restlessness
 and  pain4 ,it is a religion to die    
with1 not to live with4 ,all these      
things1  so soothing and beneficial to  
the invalid1 are nauseous and noxious to
  the healthy4    ,a man could no more  
live vigorous life on such religion than
 he could  live vigorous life couched   
tenderly1 pillowed softly1 nursed       
assiduously1 and drugged with narcotics 
and anodyne all the days of his  life4  

,is the religious world willing to      
accept this view of religion8 ,it would 
seem so by the remarkable popularity of 
these books4 ,this view may be  correct 
or incorrect1 wise or foolish2 at any   
rate1 it is strangely at  variance with 
the view commonly ascribed to 8,muscular
 ,christians10 and  strangely identical 
with that which ,dr4 ,newman explicitly 
avows in the  most eloquent pages of his
 8,apologia40 ,people generally consider
  8,muscular ,christianity0 as a clever 
and cheerful improvement on the old     
solemn ascetic ,christianity1 as a      
doctrine which fully recognises the     
goodness of the common world and common 
worldly life1 as a liberal  cultus which
 does not sacrifice body to soul any    
more than soul to body1  but is at once 
gymnastic and spiritualistic in its     
8exercises02 a vague  notion is abroad  
that1 whereas the early religion of     
,christ and his  apostles was of sorrow 
and suffering1 this1 its latest         
development1 is a  religion of happiness

 and health2 in short1 it is believed   
that  8,muscular ,christianity0 has     
added the ,gospel7#a7 of the body and   
this  life to the primitive ,gospel of  
the soul and the next life3 and yet the 
most popular and vigorous writer of this
 new school1 after exhausting a  very   
fertile imagination in the suggestion of
 methods and modes by which  godless    
sinners may be converted to godliness1  
has absolutely found no  other process  
effectual than this of showering upon   
them misfortunes1  humiliations1        
afflictions1 calamities 7such as do not 
in real life fall  upon one human being 
in a thousand1 and working results such 
as they  would not work in one real     
human being out of ten thousand72 until 
health and hope1 self-respect and the   
capacity for sane joy are  altogether   
destroyed in them1 the manhood and      
womanhood overwhelmed and  crushed out  
of them2 after which he brings in these 
miserable wrecks and  relics of what    
were once men and women as all that he  

can contribute to  the extension of the 
,church1 which ought to be the cheerful 
congregation  of wholesome men and women
 throughout the world1 the richest      
flower and  ripest fruit of humanity4   
,if the ,church of the future is to be  
composed  of creatures like ,mr4        
,kingsley's ,convertites1 ,westminster  
,abbey must be  turned into a ,grand    
,chartreuse1 and ,st4 ,paul's into an   
,hospital for  ,incurables1 and the     
metropolitan ,cathedral of ,england must
 be ,bedlam4        #a4 ,the ,gospel of 
the body and this life has been         
powerfully      preached in the most    
explicit terms on the ,continent4 ,in   
,england      we have been too prudish  
to advocate it so clearly1 although it  
is1 of course1 essential to the most    
enlightened ,positivism and             
,secularism4 ,that much-abused book the 
8,elements of ,social      ,science0    
preaches it with more thoroughness1     
knowledge and      ability than any     
other ,english work ,i have met with4 ,i

 do not      pretend to be wise enough  
to judge this book1 and so far as ,i    
can judge it1 ,i differ from it in many 
respects2 but on the      broad question
 of the spirit in which it is written1  
,i do not      fear to assert that no   
honest and intelligent man can find     
pruriency and impurity in it1 without he
 brings the pruriency      and impurity 
in his own heart and mind to the study  
of it4 ,i can      understand ascetic   
,christians abhorring it1 ,i can        
understand      timid ,freethinkers     
being frightened by it because they are 
timid2 but ,i cannot understand men who 
claim to be bold and      honest        
,freethinkers avoiding it as an unholy  
thing merely      because of the        
subjects it treats1 without reference to
 the mode      of treatment1 and without
 sympathy for the admirable motives     
which manifestly incited the author4 ,he
 may well say with the      most        
brilliant and daring of all who have    
preached this ,gospel      of the body  

in our age 7this ,gospel which is so    
sorely needed to      complement and    
modify the exclusive ,gospel of the     
soul--this      ,gospel which ,plato    
preached along with the other1 while    
,jesus      preached the other only71 he
 may well say with ,heine        ,doch  
die ,castraten ,klagten1      ,as ich   
meine ,stimm' erhob2      ,sie ,klagten 
und sie sagten2      ,ich sange veil zu 
grob4          ,,the ,,primate ,,on     
,,the ,,church ,,and ,,the ,,world      
7#ahgf47    ,the ,archbishop of         
,canterbury is making his second        
quadrennial visitation  to his diocese1 
and delivering an elaborate ,charge to  
the clergy1 in  seven instalments4 ,of  
these the first two are reported at     
considerable  length in the ,times of   
the #bgth and #bhth inst41 a couple of  
columns of  small print being given to  
each4 ,the ,times has moreover          
generously  vouchsafed a leading article
 of encouragement and approval on each2 
and  surely the ,state ,church ought to 

be proud of such lofty patronage1 and   
,lambeth ,palace ought to be very       
grateful to ,printing ,house ,square4   
,the  ,daily ,news could only spare half
 a column for the first2 and the  ,daily
 ,telegraph1 whose exuberant            
,christianity1 hot and strong as        
boiling rancid oil1 amazes the world on 
every great festival of the  ,church1   
showed its estimate of the importance of
 our ,primate's manifesto  by allotting 
to it eight or nine lines of small print
 at the foot of a  column--a pickpocket 
in a police-court gets as much notice4  
,let us glance down the ,times' reports1
 pausing at anything worth a  note if   
not by its intrinsic value yet on       
account of the position of the          
speaker3--    8,i wish to set before you
 some thoughts as to the particular     
duties1  which at this time devolve upon
 the ,established ,church as the        
,national  ,church of this country4 ,in 
the days in which we live some even     
hesitate  to assign to us the position  

of a ,national ,church4 ,a ,national    
,church is  a national protest for ,god 
and for ,christ1 for goodness and for   
truth2  and if we of this ,national     
,church are not making this national    
protest1  no one else certainly makes   
one4 ,no other body in this country can 
claim  that commanding influence over   
the thought of the age1 which by ,god's 
blessing is assigned to us4 ,no other   
religious body in the country has       
either that connection with the ,state1 
or if that be thought a small  matter1  
that power of influencing the whole     
nation which1 thank ,god1 is  still     
reserved to us40    ,it will be noticed 
that the ,archbishop in his definition  
of a ,national  ,church has humbly      
copied the unorthodox ,matthew ,arnold1 
who in his  address to ,london clergymen
 at ,sion ,college1 7reviewed in the    
,secularist of ,april #h7 declared with 
an exquisitely humorous gravity  that he
 regarded the ,church of ,england as a  
great national society for  the         

promotion of goodness6 ,but the         
,archbishop is really too loose in  his 
imitation of this charitable definition 
bestowed by a man of  letters4 ,he says3
 8,a ,national ,church is a national    
protest for ,god and  for ,christ20     
according to which1 ,mohammedanism1     
,brahmanism1 and  ,buddhism1 as the     
national churches of several countries1 
are so many  national protests for ,god 
and ,christ4 ,we do not expect a mere   
,primate in  these days to write with   
the precision of an accomplished        
literary man1  but we do think that he  
ought to be somewhat less inaccurate    
than this4  ,however1 it is to the last 
two sentences quoted that ,i would      
particularly call attention4 ,the       
,church of ,england has a commanding    
influence over the thought of the age6  
,it has the power of influencing  the   
whole nation6 ,here be truly astonishing
 announcements4 ,the thought  of the age
 in our country is embodied in such     
persons as ,spencer and  ,darwin1       

,huxley and ,tyndall1 ,carlyle and      
,browning1 ,george ,eliot and  ,george  
,meredith2 and what a commanding        
influence the ,state ,church has  over  
these6 ,as for its influence over the   
whole nation1 is it not the  fact that a
 large portion of the educated classes1 
and the great bulk #ja  the artisans1   
are either sceptical or indifferent1 and
 that more than a  half of the          
shopkeepers are ,nonconformists bent on 
,disestablishment and  ,disendowment8   
,the ,archbishop has made a most unlucky
 start4    ,passing over some           
commonplace and common-sense remarks on 
the duties of  the clergy1 we come to   
the following3--    8,this is an age in 
which there is a great deal of uneasy   
thought  seething throughout the nation4
 ,it is a time when1 more than any      
other1  serious and earnest learning is 
required to meet the wants of those     
among whom we live4 ,let us be thankful 
that the arrangements of  cathedral     
bodies do provide quiet places where men

 may follow a studious  course1 and     
cause their light to be seen throughout 
the land1 guiding  the thought of those 
who are in need of guidance in this     
anxious age40    ,admitting the truth of
 the opening sentences we may add that  
in every  age since the supremacy of the
 ,church was first shaken by the        
invention  of printing1 the recovery of 
the ,greek and ,latin classics1 and the 
revival of science1 there has been a    
great deal of uneasy thought  seething  
throughout this nation and every other  
nation in ,christendom1  and that age by
 age this seething has scalded more and 
more pitilessly  the dogmas1 the        
,scriptures1 and the authority of the   
,church1 whose  ,hebrew old clothes1 as 
,carlyle fitly calls them1 must soon be 
literally  boiled to rags4 ,we may also 
freely admit that the arrangements of   
,cathedral bodies do provide quiet      
places where men may follow a studious  
course2 but we ask1 how many of them    
really pursue it8 ,how many of them     

cause their light to shine throughout   
the land8 ,how many guide the  thought  
of those who need guidance in this      
anxious age8 ,is it not as  notorious as
 it is disgraceful to the ,church1 that1
 with few exceptions1  the canons and   
other dignitaries make scarcely any     
contribution to the  thought1 or        
scholarship1 or science of the age1 in  
return for the large  leisure and ample 
stipends with which they are endowed8   
,these stalled  canons may ruminate     
much1 even like stalled oxen1 but what  
nourishment  do we get from the         
rumination of the former8 ,look through 
lists of  standard works1 of really     
important works1 published during the   
last  quarter of a century1 and see how 
few of them1 even in theology and       
kindred departments1 have come from the 
8learned leasure0 of our rich           
cathedrals4    ,if there is one thing   
more closely connected than any other   
with true  religion1 that thing is      
money4 ,always the most spiritual       

exhortations  and speculations end in   
very practical appeals to the           
pockets--of course  the pockets of the  
laity4 ,we are reminded what ,paul      
,louis ,courier said  of the clergy in  
his day3 8,they have need of good       
examples and will find  them amongst us4
 ,but if we are stronger than they as to
 the commandments  of ,god1 they in     
their turn have the advantage of us in  
respect to the  commandments of the     
,church1 which they remember better than
 we1 and of  which the principal is1 ,i 
believe1 to give all we have for heaven4
 #8,you  ask me1' said that worthy      
preacher ,barlette1 #8how to get to     
,paradise8  ,the bells of the convent   
tell you3 ,giving1 giving1 giving1' ,the
 ,latin of  the monk is charming3 8,vos 
quritis a me1 fratres carissimi1 quomodo
  itur ad paradisupi8 ,hoc dicunt vobis 
campance monasterii1 dando1 dando1      
dando0 ,very early in his discourse does
 our ,primate ring this favorite  chime 
of all church bells1 but with a noble   

disinterestedness1 a  magnanimous       
depreciation3--    8,we may think       
lightly of the vast sums of money which 
of late years have  been poured into the
 treasury of the ,established ,church   
for the  re-edification of our          
buildings2 we may think lightly even of 
the vast  sums which have been          
contributed by the members of our       
,church for the  instruction of our     
poorer brethren1 thinking that1 after   
all1 it is not  the silver and the gold1
 but the precious doctrine of the ,lord 
,jesus  ,christ1 and the purity and     
holiness which attend the true          
profession of  that doctrine on which we
 have to rest our claims4 ,but still    
even the  outward signs of the influence
 which ,god has given us are not to be  
despised40    8,we may think lightly of 
the vast sums of money60 we1 the        
archbishop  with #ae1jjj a year and a   
palace rent-free1 and the members of the
  ,cathedral body of ,canterbury each   
with our several hundreds a year and    

our snug residences6 ,very lightly1 no  
doubt6 ,but 8still even the outward     
signs of the influence which ,god has   
given us are not to be despised40  ,how 
unworldly1 how humble1 is our right     
reverend father in ,god2 it is a  pity  
that his voice here has such a twang of 
,pecksniff and ,uriah ,heap4 ,i  really 
believe that he is too much of a        
gentleman to speak in this tone  with   
his natural voice2 it is that fatal     
falsetto of the pulpit4 ,well1  in sober
 truth1 these ,churchmen had better not 
despise the outward signs  of their     
influence1 for there is an abundant lack
 of inward ones4 ,and  discreetly do    
they boast of the re-edification of     
their buildings1 for  edification or    
re-edification of their congregations1  
alas1 there is  little or none whereof  
to boast4 ,having rang this preliminary 
diffident  chime of ,dando dando1 dando1
 the ,archbishop revels in riotous peals
 to  the same words before concluding3--
    8,depend upon it a country that     

produces in a short time #cj1jjj1jjj sic
  in ,times2 ,daily ,news1 #8three      
millions' to restore the outward fabric 
of our churches1 will not fail to       
respond to any appeal when made for  the
 funds which may be wanted to assist    
those who otherwise cannot  provide     
themselves with a due education that    
they may be fitted for the  ministry4   
,another matter which ,i think presses  
upon us is this4 ,is it  not desirable  
something should be done to provide the 
means of passing  their last days in    
comfort1 for those worn out in the      
service of ,christ8  ,here again ,i feel
 confident that an appeal to the wealthy
 of this  country would be answered at  
once if those who have the leisure--none
  more fit than the dignitaries of our  
cathedral churches--were to take up     
this question1 and to our existing      
charities might well be added some      
means of supplementing the resources and
 meeting the wants of the poorer        
clergy4 ,i visited yesterday the ,clergy

 ,orphan ,school4 ,i was informed  that 
that school was perfectly full--more    
full than it had ever been  before--and 
still there were twice as many          
applicants for admission as  there were 
places to admit them to4 ,does not this 
show it is very  desirable we should all
 of us direct our efforts to see that   
the charity  of our fellow-,churchmen   
should be appealed to1 to assist in the 
education of the orphan children of our 
clergy1 and not only the orphan         
children80    ,our fellow ,christians1  
the laymen1 having laid for us three    
million  golden eggs in a short time    
7the lavish geese67 will not fail to    
give us  more to educate young men for  
the ministry2 and more yet to pension   
our  worn-out clergy2 and more yet again
 to educate the children1 orphan and    
not orphan1 of our clergy4 ,we          
archbishop and bishops1 dean and        
chapter1  are so poor1 so poor1 so very 
very poor1 that we can do nothing at all
  for any of these miserable clerical   

critters2 the whole revenues of our     
,state ,church are so insignificant that
 they are quite inadequate to  provide  
decently for its ministers6 ,but we know
 well that our dear1  good1 stupid1     
unedified lay brethren and sisters will 
give all the  out-door relief we have   
the impudence to ask2 will educate our  
young and  pension our old2 marching    
ever briskly heavenwards to that        
cheerfulest  church chime3 ,giving1     
giving1 giving2 ,dando1 dando1 dando6   
,does not our  ,archbishop rival or     
outrival that worthy preaching monk1    
,barlette8 ,here  ,i must pause1 but    
shall have to return again to the       
,charge1 which  threatens to be a heavy 
charge indeed to the purses of the      
richer and  more foolish members of our 
impoverished ,state ,church4            
,,spiritism ,,in ,,the ,,police ,,court 
7#ahgf47    ,we have just had a couple  
of professional 8mediums0 in the police 
courts1 and it is to be heartily hoped  
that all their colleagues of any        

notoriety will soon be submitted to the 
same searching test1 and duly  rewarded 
according to their merits4 ,at          
,huddersfield the ,rev4 ,francis  ,ward 
,monck1 formerly a minister at ,bristol1
 was cleverly caught out by  ,mr4       
,lodge1 a woollen merchant and amateur  
conjurer1 who at the close of  a private
 seance offered to do all the 8,doctor0 
had done1 and insisted  on seeing his   
8paraphernalia40 ,the ,doctor protested 
with profuse  virtuous indignation1 but 
his detecter was firm4 ,at length this  
reverend  medium took refuge in his own 
bedroom and locked himself in1 and while
  the profane sceptics were besieging   
the door he managed to escape from  the 
window by the help of a sheet4 ,in his  
sore haste he left behind him  some of  
the 8paraphernalia10 whose existence he 
had so indignantly  denied1 including   
8spirit hands0 and prepared musical     
boxes4 ,he took out  a warrant against  
,mr4 ,lodge for the recovery of these   
precious articles1  and was met by a    

counter-warrant issued by the chief     
constable under the  ,vagrant ,act1 for 
using subtle craft means and devices to 
deceive and  impose on certain of her   
,majesty's subjects2 he being charged   
with thus  defrauding one person of #bj1
 while ,mr4 ,heppleston1 a general      
dealer1 in  whose house the exposure    
took place1 had paid him #d for two     
sances1  the prisoner assuring him that 
the manifestations were genuine1 and    
were  produced by spiritual agency4 ,the
 prisoner's solicitor said that the     
,vagrant ,act did not apply to a        
gentleman in the position of ,dr4       
,monck1  who kept his carriage and yacht
 at ,bristol4 ,we may admit that the    
application of the ,vagrant ,act is an  
awkward and round-about mode of  dealing
 with such cases1 and the sooner        
,parliament in its great wisdom         
provides a more direct and effectual    
remedy1 the better2 nor could a         
stronger argument for its provisions be 
adduced than the fact1 if fact  it be1  

that this reverend medium by the illicit
 production of spirits  very much below 
proof1 has been getting money enough to 
keep a carriage  and yacht4 ,when the   
,huddersfield magistrates remanded him  
for a week at  the request of the chief 
constable1 offering to accept bail1     
himself in  #bej1 and two sureties in   
#ajj each1 the bail was not forthcoming2
 and  the prisoner made a high-minded   
and pathetic appeal to the bench1       
8asking them not to make him suffer the 
indignity of incarceration in  the      
police-cells2 he said he had forsaken   
everything to follow this  calling1     
believing in his inmost soul that it was
 right40 ,so far as ,i  can see1 a      
convicted burglar or manufacturer of    
counterfeit coin1 might  with as good   
reason make just such an appeal2        
pleading pathetically that  he had      
forsaken everything to follow this      
calling1 affirming nobly that  he       
believed in his inmost soul that it was 
right2 while as to the jemmy  and the   

skeleton keys1 or the moulds and the    
battery1 which had been  seized in his  
possession1 they were manifestly for    
purely scientific  experimental         
investigations--exactly as were the     
spirit-hands affixed to  wires and the  
musical boxes of the ,rev4 8,doctor0    
,monck4    ,the ,london case of         
8,doctor0 ,slade1 is too well known to  
require being  detailed here4 ,as his   
fee was a sovereign1 well-off people    
having much  time to kill with any      
excitement1 and empty heads to fill with
 any  nonsense 7much the same sort of   
silly people as those for whom some     
,west-end ,high ,church is the half-way 
house to the ,pro-,cathedral71 must     
have been his most numerous visitors4   
,thus ,society with a capital ,s took   
great interest in him1 and our penny    
daily press1 always ready to pander  to 
,society1 and to the snobbery of its    
readers who are not in ,society  but    
ever on their knees worshipping it--our 
penny daily press furnished  full       

reports of the proceedings4 ,mr4        
,flowers1 the magistrate at ,bow        
,street ,police ,court gave a written   
judgment on the case1 sentencing the    
8,doctor0 to three months' imprisonment 
with hard labor in the ,house of        
,correction2 which sentence to the      
credit of our common sense1 sadly       
discredited by much that came out on the
 trial1 was received with some          
applause1 and ,mr4 ,lewis the           
prosecuting solicitor was cheered by a  
large  crowd on leaving the court4 ,of  
course1 there being money to back the   
8medium10 notice of appeal was given1   
and bail accepted--the defendant in     
#bjj1 and two sureties of #ajj each4    
,in the course of the defence there was 
read from the ,spiritualist an  account 
of a sitting with ,slade by ,mr4        
,serjeant ,cox1 who1 as ,mr4 ,flowers   
observed1 would1 if an appeal were      
raised1 be one of the judges of that    
appeal4 ,the said account1 after        
relating various wonders1 concludes     

thus3 8,i offer no opinion on the causes
 of the phenomena1 for ,i have  formed  
none4 ,if they be genuine1 it is        
impossible to exaggerate their  interest
 and importance4 ,if they be an         
imposture it is equally important  that 
the trick should be exposed in the only 
way in which trickery can  be           
explained--by doing the same thing1 and 
showing how it is done40 ,now  this1 at 
any rate1 seems to show judicial        
fairness if not judicial  sagacity2 and 
is beyond blame1 as having been written 
before the learned  ,serjeant 7unless   
warned by the spirits7 could have had   
any expectation  of being called upon to
 deliver a legal judgment on the matter4
 ,but  after ,mr4 ,flowers had passed   
sentence1 and the appeal had been       
raised1  this same ,serjeant ,cox1      
having become a prospective judge of the
 case1  opened the third session of the 
,psychological ,society of ,great       
,britain1  whereof he is president1 and 
which1 under such a president1 will     

doubtless do a vast deal for the science
 of psychology4 ,according to the       
report of the ,standard of ,friday the  
#crd inst41 much of the address of  this
 admirable judge and philosophical      
president 8was an indictment of         
materialist scientists for their        
attitude towards psycho-logy1 and on    
this point he said the most important   
event of the year in relation to        
psychology had been the recent          
prosecution4 ,of the true motive for    
that  proceeding there could be no      
doubt4 ,the pretence of public interests
 was  transparent40 ,to a mere layman   
the words of this judicial ,serjeant    
read  very much like a reckless libel4  
,perhaps only a lawyer can properly     
appreciate them4 8,the object really    
sought was plain enough4 ,it was not  to
 punish ,dr4 ,slade1 but to discredit   
through him all psychological           
phenomena1 the proof of whose existence 
was destruction to the doctrines  of    
materialism4444 ,whether ,dr4 ,slade was

 or was not guilty1 the trial  had had  
the unlooked-for effect 6 of directing  
the attention of the  whole public to   
the fact that phenomena were asserted to
 exist444 which  swept away now and for 
ever the dark and debasing doctrines of 
the  materialists40 ,after which1       
according to the same report1 a ,mr4    
,dunlop1  with admirable gravity1       
whether sincere or ironical1 expressed a
 high  opinion of the judicial mind of  
the president6 and said that he felt    
sure that if the appeal in the ,slade   
case came before ,mr4 ,serjeant ,cox1   
he would give as dispassionate a        
decision as if he had had no previous   
knowledge of the circumstances66 ,for   
myself1 as a mere unlearned layman1  ,i 
can only ask in astonishment1 ,is this  
,serjeant ,cox1 with his indecent       
partizanship and wild personal          
imputations1 fit to sit in judgment--,i 
will not say on this ,slade             
business--but on any case at all which  
requires impartiality and discretion8   

8,the dark and debasing doctrines of the
 materialists06 ,can anything be  darker
 and more debasing in a so-called       
civilised time and country than  this   
,spiritism has proved itself from the   
beginning until bow8 ,i have  yet to    
learn that the whole of its world of    
spirits1 now for many years  at the beck
 and call of countless mediums1         
professional and private1 has  ever     
dictated or written a single great      
sentence1 revealed a single  great      
truth--discovered a single important    
fact4 ,nothing but the  dreamiest       
drivel1 or delirium1 the most wretched  
and imbecile juggling  tricks1 with all 
sorts of evasions1 and deceptions and   
lies6 ,mr4 ,wallace  himself1 one of the
 few good men it has got hold of by some
 weak place  in their minds1 in his     
evidence for ,slade said 8that he       
attached no  importance to the          
subject-matter of a message1 but only to
 its being  written intelligibly1 the   
subject-matter seldom being of any      

value40 ,and  for seldom he might fairly
 have said never4 ,the truth is the     
truth1  whether dark or bright1 debasing
 or ennobling2 but if we are called upon
  to consider a theory in these aspects1
 what1 ,i ask again1 can be more  dark  
and debasing than this1 that we live    
after death to rap and turn  tables1    
play villainous snatches on light       
musical instruments1 write  badly-spelt 
balderdash1 dictate ungrammatical       
imbecilities or lies1  grasp hands and  
jog knees--all for the profit of showmen
 and the  hysterical wonder of fools8   
,who would not prefer annihilation to   
such a  degraded and idiotic            
immortality8 ,shakespeare1 ,bacon1      
,byron1 ,shelley1  and countless others 
who on earth were splendid geniuses1    
have been  called from their spheres by 
knaves or dupes1 for what8--to show     
themselves reduced to the hideous state 
of ,swift's ,struldbrugs4 ,the only     
famous character ,i have heard of1 not  
intellectually degraded since  death1   

was ,bucephalus 7see ,secularist1 number
 #dj71 who told the  company that he    
still took great interest in literary   
pursuits1  particularly in connection   
with education2 ,bucephalus1 whose name 
doubtless suggested an ancient          
philosopher to the shrewd medium1 having
  been the war-horse of ,alexander the  
,great6    ,we are compelled to accuse  
the religion which has been so long     
dominant  among us1 of fostering the    
state of mind which welcomes these      
miserable  marvels instead of rejecting 
them with scorn4 ,the ,bible with its   
,witch  of ,endor1 its recognition of   
witchcraft1 its magicians1 its angels   
releasing the ,apostles1 its doctrines  
of the supernatural1 its abounding      
miracles1 has saturated the people with 
superstitiousness1 whose evil  effects  
,science can but slowly counteract4 ,and
 of those who have ceased  to submit    
themselves to the ,bible1 the larger    
number are still infected  with its     
non-natural spirit2 having renounced one

 set of irrational  marvels1 they yearn 
more or less consciously for another to 
replace it4  ,in this connection1 the   
point on which ,mr4 ,flower's judgment  
turned is  very significant1 and its    
significance is increased by the        
approval of  our most ,christian press3 
8,i must decide according to the        
well-known  course of nature40 ,this is 
exactly what ,science demands4 ,carry   
out  honestly and thoroughly the        
application of this rule to the miracles
 of  the ,bible1 from the speaking      
serpent1 to the birth1 resurrection and 
ascension of ,jesus1 and what sentence  
must be passed upon them8 ,the ,bow     
,street ,magistrate has given us a      
really excellent1 concise1 practical    
maxim of rethought4 ,when a ,christian  
comes with his supernatural dogmas  and 
non-natural occurrences1 one has but to 
answer on the judicial  authority of    
,mr4 ,flowers3 8,i must decide according
 to the well-known  course of nature40  
,a ,,commission ,,of ,,inquiry ,,on     

,,royalty      7#ahgf47    ,the subjects
 for our solemn consideration are the   
seclusion of her ,most  ,gracious       
,majesty1 and the complaints thereanent 
published in several  respectable       
journals4 ,in order to investigate the  
matter thoroughly1 we  constituted      
ourselves 7the unknown number x7 into a 
special ,commission  of ,inquiry4 ,we   
are happy to state that the said        
,commission has concluded  its arduous  
labors1 and now presents its report     
within a week of its  appointment2      
surely the most prompt and rapid of     
commissions4 ,the cause  of this        
celerity we take to be the fact that the
 ,commissioners were  unsalaried2 we    
being unanimously of opinion that had we
 received good  pay for the inquiry     
throughout the period of our session1 we
 could have  prolonged it with certain  
benefit1 if not to the public yet to    
ourselves1 for a great number of years4 
,if1 therefore1 you want a  ,commission 
to do its work rapidly vote no money for

 it4 ,and do not fear  that the most    
headlong haste in gathering evidence and
 composing the  report will diminish the
 value of such report2 for when a       
,commission has  lasted for years or    
months it generally rises in a quite    
different state  of the subject matter  
from that in which it first sat1 and the
 report  must be partly obsolete1 partly
 a jumble of anachronisms4 ,in brief1 it
  may be fairly affirmed as a general   
rule that no ,commission of ,inquiry  is
 of any value at all2 the appointment of
 one being merely a dodge by  which     
people who don't want to act on what    
they and everybody else see  quite well 
with their naked eyes1 set a number of  
elderly gentlemen to  pore upon it with 
spectacles and magnifying glasses until 
dazed and  stupid with poring1 in the   
hope that this process will last so long
 that  ere it is finished the public    
will have forgotten the matter          
altogether4  ,and now for the result of 
our inquiries on this subject1 which is 

not  only immensely important1 but is   
even sacred to our loyal hearts4    ,a  
,west-end tradesman complains bitterly  
that through the absence of the  ,court 
from ,buckingham ,palace1 and the       
diminished number and splendor of  royal
 pomps and entertainments1 the 8,season0
 is for him a very poor  season indeed4 
,the ,commissioners1 find that the said 
tradesman 7whose  knowledge             
seems-limited to a knowledge of his     
business1 supposing he  knows that7 is  
remarkably well off2 and consider that  
,west-end tradesmen  have no valid      
vested interest in ,royalty and the     
,civil ,list1 that at the  worst they   
do-a capital trade with the aristocracy 
and wealthy classes  7taking good care  
that the punctual and honest shall amply
 overpay their  losses by the unpunctual
 and dishonest72 that if they are not   
satisfied  with the ,west-end1 they had 
better try the ,east-end1 and see how   
that  will suit them2 and1 in short1    
that this tradesman is not worth        

listening to4    ,numerous fashionable  
and noble people 7principally ladies7   
complain that  they have no ,court to   
shine1 in4 ,the ,commissioners think    
that they shine  a great deal too much  
already1 and in the most wasteful       
manner1 gathered  together by hundreds1 
light glittering on light2 and that if  
they really  want to shine beneficially 
in a court there are very many very dark
  courts in ,london where the light of  
their presence would be most  welcome4  
,it is complained on behalf of their    
,royal ,highnesses the ,prince and      
,princess of ,wales that they have to   
perform many of the duties of  royalty  
without getting a share of the royal    
allowance4 ,the  ,commissioners think   
that if the necessary expenses of the   
heir to the  throne are really too heavy
 for his modest1 income1 and are        
increased by  the performance of royal  
duties1 he had better send in yearly a  
bill to  his ,mamma for expenses        
incurred on her account1 and a duplicate

 of the  same to the ,chancellor to the 
,exchequer2 so that in every ,budget the
  amount of the ,civil ,list shall be   
equitably divided between her ,majesty  
and her ,majesty's eldest son1 doubtless
 to their common satisfaction4    ,it is
 complained on behalf of various foreign
 royal or ruling personages  that while 
they in their homes treat generously the
 visiting members of  our royal family1 
they are treated very shabbily when     
visiting here4 ,the  ,commissioners     
think that ,buckingham ,palace1 being   
seldom or never wanted  by the ,queen1  
and very seldom wanted for the reception
 of the ,english  ,court1 should be at  
all times open for such royal or ruling 
visitors2  that a ,lord ,chamberlain1 or
 other such noble domestic servant      
should be  detailed to attend on them1  
and see to their hospitable treatment in
 all  respects2 and that to cover the   
expenditure on their account a fair     
deduction should be made from her       
,majesty's share of the ,civil ,list1   

which deduction1 being equitable her    
,majesty would no doubt view with       
extreme pleasure4    ,it is complained  
on the part of her ,majesty's4          
,ministers1 that when they  want the    
royal assent and signature to important 
,acts of ,parliament1  they have to lose
 a day or two and undergo great fatigue 
7which is  peculiarly hard on men who   
are mostly aged1 and all overworked7 in 
travelling to and from ,osborne or      
,balmoral4 ,the ,commissioners think the
  remedy plain and easy1 as in the two  
preceding cases4 ,let a law be  passed  
assuming that absence1 like silence1    
gives1 consent2 so that  whenever her   
,majesty is not in town1 the ,speaker of
 the ,commons or the  ,lord ,chancellor1
 or other great officer of ,state1 be   
empowered to seal  and sign in her name1
 and generally to perform any of her    
real and royal  duties1 on the formal   
demand of the ,ministry1 who always 7and
 not the  ,queen7 are responsible to    
,parliament and the country for all     

public  acts4    ,a taxpayer complains  
that for fourteen years her ,majesty has
 been  punctually drawing all moneys    
allotted to support the royal dignity1  
while studiously abstaining from all1 or
 nearly all1 the hospitalities  and     
other expensive functions incident to   
the support of the said  dignity4 ,the  
,commissioners consider that her        
,majesty is perchance  benefiting the   
country more 7and may be well aware of  
the fact7 by  taking her money for doing
 nothing than if she did something for  
it2  that if she didn't take the said   
money1 somebody else would 7as for      
instance1 were she to abdicate1 the     
,prince of ,wales1 become ,king1 would  
want and get at least as much72 so that 
while our ,government remains as  it is1
 the complaint of the said taxpayer is  
foolish4    ,another ,taxpayer1 who must
 be a most mean-minded fellow1 a        
stranger to  all sacred sympathies and  
hallowed emotions1 says3 8,if a         
washerwoman1  being stupified by the    

death of her husband1 neglected her     
business for  more than a week or two1  
she would certainly lose her custom or  
employment1 and not all the sanctity of 
conjugal grief 7about which  reverential
 journalists gush7 would make people go 
on paying her for  doing nothing2 and if
 this washerwoman had money enough of   
her own to  live on comfortably1 people 
would call her shameless and miserly if 
she  asked for or accepted payment while
 doing nothing2 and if this  washerwoman
 had a large family of boys and girls   
around her1 and shut  herself up to     
brood upon her husband's death for even 
three or four  months1 people would     
reckon her mad with selfish misery4 ,the
  ,commissioners 7as soon as they       
recover from the stupefaction of horror 
into which this blasphemy has thrown    
them7 consider and reply that there  can
 be no proper comparison of a ,queen and
 a washerwoman1 and that  nobody would  
think of instituting one1 except a      
brute1 a ,republican1 an  ,atheist1 a   

,communist1 a1 fiend in human form2 that
 anyhow if1 as this  wretch says1 a     
washerwoman would be paid for a week or 
two without  working1 in consideration  
of her conjugal affliction1 it is plain 
that a  ,queen1 who 7it will be         
universally allowed7 is at least a      
hundred  thousand times as good as a    
washerwoman1 is therefore entitled to at
  least a hundred thousand times the    
8week or two0 of salary without         
performance of duty--that is1 to at     
least #a1ibc or #c1hdf years1 whereas   
this heartless and ribald reprobate     
himself only complains that our  beloved
 ,sovereign has done nothing for her    
wage throughout 8fourteen  years40 ,the 
,commissioners therefore eject this     
complainant with  ineffable scorn2 and  
only wish they knew his name and        
address1 that they  might denounce him  
for prosecution to the                  
,attorney-,general4    ,a ,malthusian   
7whatever kind of creature that may be7 
complains that her  ,majesty has set an 

example of uncontrolled fecundity to the
 nation and  the royal family1 which1   
besides being generally immoral1 is     
likely1 at  the modest estimate of      
#f1jjj per annum per royal baby1 to lead
 to the  utter ruin of the realm in a   
few generations4 ,the ,commissioners1   
after  profound and prolonged           
consideration1 can only remark that they
 do not  understand the complaint any   
better than the name 7which they do not 
understand at all7 of the 8,malthusian20
 that they have always been led  to     
believe that a large family is a great  
honor to a legitimately united  man and 
woman2 and that1 finally1 they beg to   
refer the ,malthusian to  the late      
,prince ,consort4    ,a devotedly loyal 
,royalist 7who unfortunately does not   
give the name and  address of his       
curator7 complains that her ,majesty1 by
 doing nothing  except receive her      
,civil ,list1 is teaching the country   
that it can get  on quite as well       
without a monarch as with one1 and might

 therefore just  as well1 and indeed    
very much better1 put the amount of the 
,civil ,list  into its own pocket and   
call itself a ,republic4 ,the           
,commissioners remark  that this person 
seems the most rational of the whole lot
 of  complainants 7most rational1 not   
for his loyalty1 but most rational as   
to the grounds of his complaint1 from   
his own point of view2 in  accordance   
with the dictum1 8,a madman reasons     
rightly from wrong  premises2 a fool    
wrongly from right ones107 and that his 
surmise is very  probably               
correct--namely1 that her ,majesty is   
really a ,republican in  principle1 but 
not liking 7as is perfectly natural in  
her position7 to  publicly profess and  
advocate opinions so opposed to the     
worldly  interests of all her friends   
and relatives1 has been content to      
further  these opinions practically for 
fourteen years past by her conduct1     
without saying a word on the subject4   
,the ,commissioners1 however1 find  one 

serious objection to this surmise in the
 fact that if her ,majesty is  really a 
,republican at heart1 she must wish to  
exclude the ,prince of  ,wales from the 
,throne2 while it seems to them that the
 intimate  knowledge she must have of   
his wisdom and virtues 7not to speak of 
her  motherly affection7 cannot but make
 her feel that no greater blessing      
could come to the nation after her death
 than his reigning over it4 ,as  this is
 the only complaint which the           
,commissioners find at once             
well-founded and not easy to remedy1    
they are happy to know that it is       
confined to the very insignificant class
 of persons who are 8devotedly  loyal   
,royalists40    ,the ,commissioners thus
 feel themselves bound to report that   
all the  complaints they have heard     
against our beloved and gracious        
,sovereign  7except the one last cited1 
which is of no importance7 are without  
foundation1 or frivolous1 or easily     
remedied1 and that our beloved and      

gracious ,sovereign 7whom may ,heaven   
long preserve67 could not do better     
than she is now doing1 in doing nothing4
    ,but in order to obviate such       
complaints1 which do much harm1 whether 
ill  or well founded1 and which         
especially pain the delicate            
susceptibilities  of all respectable men
 and women1 the ,commissioners have     
thought it  their duty to draw up the   
following project of a ,constitution1   
not to  come into force until the death 
of our present beloved and gracious     
,sovereign 7which may ,god1 if so it    
please ,him1 long avert671 and to be    
modified in its details according to the
 best wisdom of our national  ,house of 
,palaver4          ,draft      ,whereas 
it is treasonable to talk of dethroning 
a monarch1 but there can  be no         
disloyalty in preventing a person not   
yet a monarch from becoming  one3       
,and whereas it is considered by very   
many1 and seems proved by the           
experience of the last ---- years that  

the country can do quite well  without a
 monarch1 and may therefore save the    
extra expense of monarchy3    ,and      
whereas it is calculated that from the  
accession of ,george ,i4 of  blessed    
memory until the decease of the most    
beloved of ,queens1  ,victoria1 a period
 of upwards of a century and a half1 the
 ,royal ,family  of the ,house of       
,guelph have received full and fair     
payment in every  respect for their     
generous and heroic conduct in coming to
 occupy the  throne and other high      
places of this kingdom1 and in saving us
 from the  unconstitutional ,stuarts3   
,and whereas the said ,stuarts may now  
be considered extinct1 and thus no      
longer dangerous to this realm3 ,and    
whereas the said ,royal ,family of the  
,house of ,guelph is so prolific that   
the nation cannot hope to support  all  
the members thereof for a long period to
 come in a royal manner3    ,and whereas
 the ,dukes of this realm are accounted 
liberal and courteous  gentlemen3       

,and whereas the constitution of our    
country is so far ,venetian that it     
cannot but be improved in harmony and   
consistency by being made more          
,venetian still3    ,be it enacted1     
etc41 ,that the ,throne now vacant      
through the  ever-to-be-deplored death  
of her late most gracious ,majesty shall
 remain  vacant4 ,that the mem-ers of   
what has been hitherto the ,royal       
,family keep  all the property they have
 accumulated1 the nation resuming from  
them  all grants of sinecures and other 
salaried appointments4 ,that no member  
of the said ,family be eligible for any 
public appointment whatever for  at     
least one hundred years4 ,that the      
,dukes in the order of their  seniority 
shall act as ,doges 7with whatever title
 be considered the  best7 year and year 
about1 under penalty of large fines in  
cases of  refusal1 save when such       
refusal is supported by clear proof of  
poverty  7being revenue under a settled 
minimum71 imbecility1 brutality1 or     

other  serious disqualification4 ,that  
no members of a ducal family within a   
certain degree of relationship to the   
head of the house be eligible for  any  
public appointment whatever2 the head of
 the house being eligible  for the      
,dogeship only4 ,that the duties of the 
,doge be simply to seal and  sign ,acts 
of ,parliament1 proclamations1 etc41    
when requested to do so by  the         
,ministry2 and to exercise hospitality  
to royal or ruling and other            
representatives of foreign countries1 as
 well as to distinguished  natives4     
,that a fair and even excessive         
allowance be made to the ,doge  for the 
expenses of his year of office4 ,that   
the royal palaces be  official          
residences of the ,doge4 ,that the ,doge
 be free from all  political            
responsibility as from all political    
power2 but be responsible  for          
performing liberally and courteously the
 duties of hospitality1 so  that        
,buckingham ,palace shall not contrast  

painfully with the ,mansion  ,house4    
,etc41 etc4    ,god preserve the ,doge6 
,the ,commission of ,inquiry having thus
 triumphantly vindicated our  beloved   
and gracious ,sovereign against the     
cruel aspersions of people in  general1 
and having moreover drafted a plan for  
obviating such  aspersions against any  
,british ,king or ,queen in future1 ends
 its ,report1  and dissolves itself1    
with humble thankfulness to ,god        
,almighty whose  grace alone has        
empowered it to conclude its arduous    
labors so speedily1  and with results so
 incalculably beneficial4    ,p4        
,s4--,since the above report was drawn  
up1 that ardent ,english patriot  and   
loyalist1 ,benjamin ,disraeli1 being by 
the grace of ,god and the late  ,earl of
 ,derby ,prime ,minister of this realm1 
has proposed that ,parliament  shall    
enable her ,most ,gracious ,majesty to  
assume the additional title of  ,empress
 of ,india1 and ,parliament has so far  
humbly assented4 ,being sore  pressed by

 many cantankerous persons to give valid
 reasons for this  change1 he has given 
reasons many and weighty2 such as the   
earnest  desire of the princes and      
people of ,india1 which desire has been 
so  abundantly expressed that the       
expressions thereof cannot be produced  
lest they should overwhelm ,parliament  
and destroy the balance of the  world in
 general2 then the imposing authority of
 8,whitaker's ,almanack10  a dissenting 
minister and a school-girl aged twelve3 
and lastly the  necessity of such a     
title for scaring all the ,russias from 
,india4 ,but ,i  believe that in        
deference to the well-known modesty of  
her ,most ,gracious  ,majesty he has not
 produced the most cogent reason of all1
 which is that  for her wonderful and   
continual goodness during the past      
fourteen years  in abstaining from the  
active functions of royalty1 thus not   
only doing  no mischief but preparing us
 for a ,republic de jure by habituating 
us to  a ,republic de facto1 she merits 

a great reward2 and that1 as she has    
already more money than she knows what  
to do with1 this reward of royal  virtue
 can most fittingly be rendered by her  
grateful subjects promoting  her to the 
rank of ,empress4 ,and it should be     
noted that whereas the old  title of    
,queen has a certain strength and       
stability in the habitudes if  not in   
the affections of the people1 the new   
fangled title of ,empress  has no such  
support1 so that in assuming it our     
beloved monarch is but  working         
consistently and resolutely toward the  
great end of her reign1  the speedy     
abolition of monarchy and establishment 
of a ,republic4          ,a ,,bible     
,,lesson ,,on ,,monarchy      7#ahgf47  
,the old theory of 8,the right divine of
 kings to govern wrong10 and the        
much-quoted text1 8,fear ,god and honor 
the king10 seem to have impressed  many 
good people with the notion that the    
,bible is in favor of monarchy4  ,but   
8king0 in the text plainly has the      

general meaning of 8ruler10 and  would  
be equally applicable to the ,president 
of a ,republic4 ,in ,romans  xiii4      
#a--c1 we read3 8,let every soul be     
subject unto the higher powers4  ,for   
there is no power but of ,god3 the      
powers that be are ordained of  ,god4   
,whosoever therefore resisteth the      
power1 resisteth the ordinance of  ,god3
 and they that resist shall receive to  
themselves damnation4 ,for  rulers are  
not a terror to good works1 but to the  
evil40 ,without  stopping to discuss the
 bold assertion in the last sentence1 we
 may  remark that the real teaching of  
this passage is that ,christians ought  
to be indifferent to politics1 quietly  
accepting whatever government  they find
 in power2 for if the powers that be are
 ordained of ,god1 or in  other words1  
if might is right1 all forms of         
government are equally  entitled to     
obedience so long as they actually      
exist4 ,of course  ,christians are not  
now1 and for the most part have not been

 for  centuries1 really indifferent to  
politics1 because for the most part     
they now are and long have been         
,christians only in name2 but it is easy
  to understand from the ,new ,testament
 itself why the first ,christians       
naturally were thus indifferent1 and why
 ,christianity has never afforded  any  
political inspiration4 ,nothing can be  
clearer to one who reads the  ,new      
,testament honestly and without         
prejudice than the fact that ,christ    
and his apostles believed that the end  
of the world was at hand4 ,thus in      
,matt1 xxiv41 ,jesus after foretelling  
the coming to judgment of the son  of   
man in the clouds of heaven with power  
and great glory1 when the  angels shall 
gather the elect from the four winds1   
adds1 v4 #cd1 8,verily  ,i say unto you1
 ,this generation shall not pass1 till  
all these things be  fulfilled40 ,this  
is repeated in almost the same words in 
,mark xiii41 and  ,luke xxi41 and a     
careful reading of the ,epistles shows  

that their  writers were profoundly     
influenced by this prophecy4 ,but with  
the world  coming to an end so soon1 it 
would be as absurd to take any interest 
in  its politics as for a traveller     
stopping two or three days in an inn to 
concern himself self with schemes for   
rebuilding it1 when about to leave  for 
a far country where he intends settling 
for life4 ,if therefore we  want any    
political guidance from the ,holy       
,scriptures1 we must go to the  ,old    
,testament1 not to the ,new4    ,now the
 first lesson on ,monarchy1 which we    
remember made us think even  in         
childhood1 is the fable of the trees    
electing a king1 told by ,jotham1  the  
son of ,gideon1 in ,judges ix4 ,the     
trees in the process of this  election  
showed a judgment much superior to that 
which men usually show  in such a       
business4 ,it is true that they did not 
select first the most  strong and       
stalwart of trees1 the cedar or the oak1
 but they had the  good sense to choose 

the most sweet-natured and bountiful1   
the olive1  then the fig1 then the vine4
 ,but the bountiful trees thus chosen   
had  good sense too1 and would not      
forsake the fatness and the sweetness   
and  the wine which cheereth ,god and   
man1 to rule over their fellow trees4   
,then the poor trees1 like a jilted girl
 who marries in spleen the first  scamp 
she comes across1 asked the bramble to  
be their king2 and that  barren         
good-for-nothing of course accepted     
eagerly the crown which the  noble and  
generous had refused1 and called upon   
the trees to put their  trust in its    
scraggy shadow1 8and if not1 let fire   
come out of the  bramble1 and devour the
 cedars of ,lebanon40 ,young as we were 
when this  fable first caught our       
attention1 we mused a good deal over it1
 and even  then began to learn that     
those most eager for supremacy1 the most
  forward candidates in elections1 are  
nearly always brambles1 not olives  or  
fig-trees or vines2 and that the first  

thought of a bramble1 when  made ruler  
over its betters1 is naturally to       
destroy with fire the  cedars of        
,lebanon4    ,but ,god himself in the   
case of the ,israelites has vouchsafed  
to us a  very clear judgment on the     
question of ,monarchy4 ,in the          
remarkable  constitution for that people
 which he gave to ,moses1 he did not    
include  a king1 and ,israel remained   
without a king for more years than it is
  worth while endeavoring to count here4
 ,we read1 #a ,samuel viii41 how 8,all  
the elders of ,israel gathered          
themselves together1 and came to ,samuel
  unto ,hamah1 and said unto him1       
,behold thou art old1 and thy sons walk 
not in thy ways3 now make us a king to  
judge us like all the nations4  ,but the
 thing displeased ,samuel1 when they    
said1 ,give us a king to judge  us4 ,and
 ,samuel prayed unto the ,lord4 ,and the
 ,lord said unto ,samuel1  ,hearken unto
 the voice of the people in all that    
they say unto thee3 for  they have not  

rejected thee1 but they have rejected   
me1 that ,i should  not reign over them4
    8444 ,now therefore hearken unto    
their voice3 how-beit yet protest       
solemnly unto them1 and show them the   
manner of the king that shall  reign    
over them40 ,some students of the ,bible
 may have thought that ,god's  severe   
condemnation of the ,israelites for     
wanting a king arose chiefly  from      
wounded pride1 from the fact that they  
had rejected him1 and we  cannot affirm 
that this feeling did not inflame his   
anger1 for he  himself has said that he 
is a jealous ,god2 but the protest which
 he  orders ,samuel to make1 and the    
exposition of the common evils of       
kingship1 prove clearly that ,god did   
not 7and therefore1 of course1 does     
not7 approve this form of government4   
,and1 indeed1 it is plain that if  he   
had approved it1 he would have given it 
to his chosen people at  first4 ,for    
although divines have termed the form of
 government under  which the ,jews lived

 before the kings a theocracy1 ,god did 
not then rule  immediately1 but always  
through the medium of a high-priest or  
judge1  and could have governed through 
the medium of a king had he thought it  
well so to do4 ,and he who reads the    
history of the ,jews under the  ,judges1
 as contained in the ,book of ,judges1  
and especially the  narratives in       
chapters xvii4 to xxi4 which illustrate 
the condition of  ,jewish society in    
those days when 8there was no king in   
,israel3 every  man did that which was  
right in his own eyes10 will see that   
,god must  have thought a ,monarchy very
 vile and odious indeed when he was     
angry at  the request for it1 and       
implied that it was actually worse than 
that  government by ,judges alternated  
with bondage under neighboring tribes   
which the theologians call a theocracy4 
,samuel warned the people of what  a    
king would do1 and doubtless thought he 
was warning them of the worst1  but     
kings have far outstripped all that the 

prophet could foresee4 ,the  king1 he   
said1 will take your sons to be his     
warriors and servants2 and  will take   
your daughters to be confectionaries1   
and cooks1 and bakers4  ,this was the   
truth1 and nothing but the truth1 but it
 was not the whole  truth2 for the sons 
have been taken to be far worse than    
mere warriors  and servants1 and the    
daughters for much viler purposes than  
cooking and  baking4 ,samuel goes on3   
8,and he will take your fields1 and your
  vineyards1 and your oliveyards1 even  
the best of them1 and give them to  his 
servants0--when he does not keep them   
for himself might have been  added4     
8,and he will take the tenth of your    
seed1 and of your vineyards1  and give  
to his officers1 and to his servants40  
,surely much more than a  tenth1 ,o     
,samuel6 ,we will not quote the         
remainder of this wise warning4  ,like  
most wise warnings it was ineffectual2  
the foolish people insisted  on having a
 king1 and in the following chapters we 

read how ,saul the ,son  of ,kish1 going
 forth to seek his father's asses1 found
 his own subjects4    ,the condemnation 
of ,monarchy by ,god1 as we read it in  
this instance1 is  so thorough and      
general that we feel bound to add a few 
words on an  exceptional case in which a
 king is highly extolled in the         
,scriptures1  without any actions being 
recorded of him1 as in the instances of 
,david  and ,solomon1 to nullify the    
praise4 ,the king in question was       
,melchizedek1 ,king of ,salem1 and      
priest of the most high ,god1 who met   
,abram returning from the defeat of the 
four kings and blessed him1 and  to whom
 ,abram gave tithes of all1 as we read  
in ,genesis xiv4 ,but this  short notice
 of ,melchizedek in ,genesis does not by
 any means suggest to  us the full      
wonderfulness of his character1 though  
we naturally conclude  from it that he  
was indeed an important personage to    
whom ,abram gave  tithes of all4 ,the   
,new ,testament1 however1 comes to our  

aid1 and for  once gives us a most      
valuable political lesson1 though the   
inspired  writer was far from thinking  
of political instruction when he wrote  
the  passage4 ,in ,hebrews vi41 #bj1 and
 vii41 #a to #c1 we read3 8,jesus1 made 
an  ,high ,priest for ever after the    
order of ,melchisedec4 ,for this        
,melchisedec1 ,king of ,salem1 priest of
 the most high ,god1 who met ,abraham   
returning from the slaughter of the     
kings1 and blessed him2 to whom also    
,abraham gave a tenth part of all2 first
 being by interpretation ,king of       
righteousness1 and after that also ,king
 of ,salem1 which is ,king of  peace2   
without father1 without mother1 without 
descent1 having neither  beginning of   
days nor end of life2 but made like unto
 the ,son of ,god2  abideth a priest    
continually40 ,now he to whom ,jesus is 
compared1 and who  is like the ,son of  
,god1 is clearly the noblest of         
characters2 and  therefore1 as the      
history in the first book of ,samuel    

teaches us that  ,monarchy is generally 
to be avoided1 these fine verses from   
the ,epistle  to the ,hebrews delineate 
for us the exceptional king whose reign 
is to  be desired4    ,the delineation  
is quite masterly1 for a few lines give 
us  characteristics which cannot be     
overlooked or mistaken4 ,this model     
monarch must be a priest of the most    
high ,god--a king of righteousness  and 
king of peace2 without father1 without  
mother1 without descent1  having neither
 beginning of days nor end of life2 but 
made like unto the  ,son of ,god4       
,whenever and wherever such a gentleman 
is met with1 we would  advise even the  
most zealous ,republicans to put him    
forthwith upon the  throne4 ,but in the 
absence of such a gentleman we can      
hardly do wrong if  we follow the good  
advice of ,samuel dictated by ,god      
,almighty1 and manage  without any      
,monarch4          ,,principal ,,tulloch
 ,,on ,,personal ,,immortality      two 
excerpts4    7#ahgg47    ,dr4 ,tulloch  

has the sense to perceive and the candor
 to acknowledge that  even to those who 
have not any faith in ,god or           
,immortality1 death need  not be        
terrible1 and often is not2 that they   
may be resigned or  peaceful1 and meet  
the inevitable with a calm front2 that  
they may be  even glad to be done with  
the struggle of existence4 ,of course   
this is  no news to us who have stood at
 the bedside of dying ,materialists and 
,atheists1 or are familiar with         
trustworthy well-authenticated accounts 
of the last hours of such persons4      
,still it is encouraging to find a      
distinguished and influential minister  
openly recognising the facts1  instead  
of distorting them with the old         
contemptible pious fictions1  again and 
again repeated after being again and    
again refuted4 ,but ,dr4  ,tulloch      
considers that only the light of the    
higher life in ,christ can  glorify     
death4 ,it would have been well had he  
been more specific as to  this higher   

life and the glory it casts on death4   
,if they are as  described at length in 
the only authoritative ,christian       
,scripture on the  subject1 the ,book of
 ,revelation1 it seems to me that the   
life is  anything but high1 and radiates
 anything but glory4 ,however1 tastes   
differ1 and man is a queer fellow2 and  
there may actually exist many  people   
who would prefer to annihilation a sort 
of everlasting ,moody and  ,sankey      
meeting1 and would even regard this as  
celestial beatitude4  ,concerning such  
,i will only say with ,goethe1 ,i hope  
,i shan't go to  heaven with that lot6  
,yet these are not quite the lowest of  
the low in  our civilised ,christendom2 
or are there not many who look forward  
with  complacency and even enthusiasm to
 a life beyond death1 wherein they      
shall be largely employed in rapping    
tables1 jogging arms and scrawling      
illiterate nonsense8 ,dr4 ,tulloch1 in  
quoting ,st4 ,paul1 seems to forget     
that he was writing of himself and his  

fellow ,christians1 to whom his  words  
were thoroughly applicable2 not of      
mankind in general1 to whom  they were  
not1 and by the construction of the     
sentence could not be4 8,if  in this    
life only we have hope in ,christ1 we   
are of all men the most  miserable20 we1
 the ,christians4 ,and why would they be
 of all men the  most miserable8        
,clearly because1 in obedience to the   
injunctions of  their ,master1 they had 
cut themselves off from this world that 
they  might secure the next2 had        
renounced wealth1 honor1 society1       
enjoyment1  all interest in art1        
science1 literature1 all political and  
national  aspirations1 and had courted  
obloquy and persecution2 so that if the 
next life should turn out to be a       
mockery1 a delusion and a snare1 they   
were of all men the most miserable1     
being the most miserably deluded4       
,those poor simple early ,christians 7on
 the showing1 true or false1 of  the    
books all ,christians revere as sacred  

and divine71 having only ,jesus  and his
 apostles to instruct them1 had not     
reached that lofty mercantile  wisdom   
which made the late ,mr4 ,binney one of 
the most popular preachers  in our pious
 and mercantile country1 when he solved 
the problem of ,how  to ,make the ,best 
of ,both ,worlds4 ,of other-worldliness 
they indeed had  enough and to spare2   
but they lacked the large modern grasp  
which  combines and intermingles it with
 an equal measure of this worldliness4  
8,they didn't know everything down in   
,judee20 and ,st4 ,paul1 though fairly  
intelligent and cultivated for his      
benighted time1 was in a deplorable     
need of some lessons from ,weigh-house  
,chapel4    ,when the worthy ,principal 
says that men cannot find strength or   
comfort  in what has been called the    
,religion of ,humanity1 and that they   
crave a  personal life1 is he aware that
 he has descended from the highlands of 
morality and truth to the lowest        
lowlands of ,paley and ,binney          

expediency8 ,is he aware that he is     
moreover begging the question1 making   
the monstrous assumption that men must  
get what they crave8 ,i call this  the  
childish lollipop attraction of         
religion1 so absurd as to be really     
beneath the contempt of full-grown men  
and women4 ,just as young ones  would   
look forward to having the free range as
 long as they liked 7which  they would  
interpret for ever and ever7 of shops   
full of sweeties1 so  those big babies1 
our dear simple ,christian brethren1    
look forward to  their ,lubberland of   
eternal bliss1 in singing ,glory6       
,glory6 ,glory6 ,their  claim to it is  
purely the infant's1 because they would 
like it4 ,their  mouths water1 they lick
 their lips1 they gurgle luxuriously    
with the  foretaste3 8,oh1 we shall be  
so 'ap-'ap-'appy6 ,canaan is a happy    
place2  we'll go to the land of         
,canaan60 ,and usually these beatific   
adult babies  are creatures such as an  
intelligent man would be ashamed to     

bring into  the world1 much more a ,god4
 ,you can't endure an hour of their     
society  here1 and they pester you to   
come and spend eternity with them6 ,i am
  really sorry to find ,dr4 ,tulloch in 
such company4    ,in conclusion1 ,i ask 
the reader to note especially the       
preacher's avowal  that his faith in    
personal immortality has no warrant from
 ,nature1 no  warrant from ,science2    
nay1 more1 that the suggestions of      
scientific  analysis 8mockingly sift the
 sources of life only to hint our       
mortality40 ,there is indeed no temper  
of mockery in ,science1 but its         
soberest deductions may well seem to    
mock with a terrible derision the       
inordinate greed and self-conceit of    
men1 who1 because they profess an       
unscientific and unnatural faith1 have  
lost all sense of proportion  between   
their infinitesimal selves and the      
infinite ,universe4          ,,the      
,,established ,,church      ,its ,real  
,as ,distinguished ,from ,its ,apparent 

,strength    7#ahfb47    ,in discussions
 with 8,infidels10 ,churchmen are very  
ready with the taunt1  8,you are but a  
handful of' fanatics4 ,nearly the whole 
intellect of the  nation is for us and  
against you40 ,in general the taunt is  
merely  parried by a 8,what matter1 if  
we are right80 whereas it should also be
  retorted by a counter-thrust of       
denial4 ,for1 in truth1 but a very small
  part of the intellect of the          
nation--i4e41 intellect in the only     
sense  in which it is of                
importance--active intellect1 is devoted
 to the  ,establishment or even to the  
,establishment and the so-called        
,dissenters  combined4 ,if they only are
 the true soldiers of the ,church       
militant whom  she spiritually feeds and
 equips for the warfare of life1 and who
 are  loyal to her with their whole     
heart and mind1 how many legions must be
  deducted from the armies gathered     
round her banners before we can fairly  
estimate her actual power in the field6 

,should ,jesus come to eliminate  his   
true followers from the multitudes of   
professing ,christians1 as  ,gideon     
selected his1 three hundred from the two
 and thirty thousand  ,israelites1 let  
us consider whom he would reject4       
,first1 all the cowards and hypocrites  
who simply cling to what appears  the   
dominant party1 and who would therefore 
call themselves ,atheists  were ,atheism
 in the ascendant2 a vile brood1 the    
incumbrance and  disgrace of every cause
 they adopt2 8hateful to ,god and to the
 enemies  of ,god02 of whom even to     
write is not pleasant4    ,secondly1 the
 indifferent through lack of vitality2  
men of tepid heart  and inert brain1 who
 are incapable of any strong sane       
affection4 ,i use  the word sane because
 these creatures have intense self-love1
 which in  its essence is insane2 and   
because also they may be frenzied by the
  drunkenness of fanaticism1 in which   
state they can die as devotedly as  they
 can murder atrociously4 ,the adhesion  

of these also ,i count no gain  to any  
cause4    ,thirdly1 the indifferent     
through excess of vitality1 including   
the  most eminent 8practical0 men1      
soldiers1 sailors1 lawyers1 engineers1  
statesmen4 ,these1 applying their whole 
energies to their several  professions1 
rarely trouble themselves with          
theological any more than  with other   
extraneous matters1 but passively       
acquiesce in whatever creed  may be     
prevalent around them4 ,their real      
church is the world2 their real  worship
 is labor2 and they no more add to the  
strength of their nominal  church than  
did the savants to that of ,napoleon's  
army in ,egypt--those  savants whom the 
wise ,napoleon always ordered 7with the 
donkeys7 to  the centre whenever an     
attack was expected4 ,to these must be  
added all  the men whom we call fine    
animals1 who enjoy such a red-blooded   
life in  this world that they are not   
subject to bilious forebodings of       
another4  ,some classes of the most     

famous men--the poets1 philosophers1    
doctors1  physicists1                   
mathematicians--are commanded by their  
very vocations to  think seriously on   
some of the great theological questions1
 and  therefore1 whether ranged for or  
against the ,church1 count for          
something4 ,the reader must ask his     
memory whether their weight in the      
balance has preponderated for orthodoxy 
or for heterodoxy4 ,the statesmen  ,i   
have counted among the indifferent1     
because their support of religion1  in  
whatever form1 has been almost          
universally no more than political4     
,fourthly1 the supersubtle1 including   
laymen and divines of first-rate        
talent2 who cannot help delighting in   
the exercise of their skill of  fence1  
and who instinctively feel that it is   
much harder to champion any  existing   
institution than to attack it1 and      
naturally 7like all  unconquerable      
knights-errant7 prefer the most         
difficult devoir4 ,their  adhesion to   

the ,church1 therefore1 though seeming  
to strengthen it1  really proclaims its 
weakness4 ,macaulay tells us how        
,halifax1 the  ,trimmer1 always joined  
the losing side4    ,fifthly1 the       
supremely reverential1 including the    
very best of the  laymen and divines2   
men whose lofty reason is drowned in a  
yet deeper  faith1 as mountain-peaks    
high as the highest in air are said to  
be  submerged in the abysses of the     
,atlantic4 ,in many cases these might be
  ranked in the preceding class2 for it 
is a general rule that the more         
reverence1 the more subtlety4 ,they     
see--how clearly6--the flaws and        
imperfections of their ,church1 they    
even realise the danger of its total    
fall2 but they cannot tear themselves   
away from the venerable building        
wherein all their forefathers           
worshipped1 in whose consecrated        
precincts  all their forefathers were   
buried in hopes of a happy resurrection2
  whose chants were the rapturous music 

and whose windows were the  heavenly    
glories of their pure childhood2 whose  
prayers they repeated  night after night
 and morning after morning at their     
mother's knee4 ,can  they leave this1   
with all its treasured holiness of      
antiquity for some  new bold glaring    
erection1 wherein men certainly         
congregate ta talk  about ,god1 but     
which might just as well be used as a   
warehouse or a  manufactory8 ,no2 rather
 than leave it they will believe1 they  
will force  themselves to believe1 that 
some miraculous renovation is at hand1  
or  that 7as the structure was certainly
 raised by ,god7 ,god will uphold it  in
 spite of the law of gravitation4 ,these
 are the men who keep the  ,church from 
falling into insignificance1 but they   
are not essentially  hers4 ,it is not   
she alone whom they could thus worship4 
,had they been  brought up idolators1   
idolatry must have retained almost the  
same  influence over spirits so         
reverentially humble1 so loving and     

pure4    ,and here it may be remarked   
that one can scarcely conceive a ,church
 so  frail and gloomy and even vile1 but
 that a fervent soul and a strong       
intellect could fortify it with         
argument1 adorn it with the gold and    
jewels of imagination1 illustrate its   
dark altars and vivify its dead  idols  
with the burning fire of spirituality1  
until it should be far more  noble and  
mighty and splendid than ever was       
aspired to by the majority  of men4 ,but
 mark1 such men as these of whom ,i     
speak do not derive their  religiousness
 from1 but really bestow it upon the    
,church in which they  pray4 ,she is    
subject and indebted to them1 not they  
to her4 ,she does not  nourish them1    
they nourish her4 ,she is the statue1   
they are ,pygmalion4  ,and they are     
indeed idolators1 for they worship a    
creation of their own  souls4 ,perhaps  
,pygmalion himself fell down and adored 
his flushed and  breathing statue1      
thinking her1 with artist-reverence1    

nothing less than  a transformation of  
,venus ,urania4 ,when one thinks of     
certain noble men  and women--as        
,maurice and ,kingsley1 ,ruskin and the 
,browning--devoting  themselves in spite
 of themselves to an effete faith1 one  
is sadly  reminded of poor ,abishag the 
,shunammite wasting and withering her   
healthful youth to cherish old worn-out 
,david1 8who knew her not10 who  could  
fill her with no new life1 and who was1 
despite her cherishing1 so  certainly   
near death4 ,he had been a great king in
 his time1 but now his  time was past1  
and as it was now the maiden's          
spring-time1 he should  have left her to
 live her proper life4    ,but when all 
these are separated from the host1 who  
are left to whom we  may point in answer
 to ,emerson's question1 8,in           
,christendom1 where is the  ,christian80
 ,strictly speaking there has never been
 but one ,christian--the  man ,christ   
,jesus4 ,but ,i would give the title to 
those who thoroughly  believe the ,bible

 after having investigated it to the    
best of their  power1 who find its      
doctrines completely satisfy them1 and  
who sincerely  endeavor to act up to    
those doctrines4 ,how many of such are  
there8 ,i  have known perhaps half a    
dozen4 ,has any reader known many more8 
,will  any one dare assert that they are
 more numerous in ,england than the     
equally sincere ,secularists or         
,atheists8 ,i scarcely think any honest 
and  thoughtful person will4    ,,finis4