,,the ,,confessions ,,of ,,jean ,,jacques ,,rousseau 7,in #ab books7 ,privately ,printed for the ,members of the ,aldus ,society ,london1 #aijc ,,book ,,vi4 ,hoc erat in votis3 ,modus agri non ila magnus ,hortus ubi1 et leclo vicinus aqua fons2 ,et paululum sylvae superhis forel4 ,i cannot add1 'auctius acque di melius fecere'2 but no matter1 the former is enough for my purpose2 ,i had no occasion to have any property there1 it was sufficient that ,i enjoyed it2 for ,i have long since both said and felt1 that the proprietor and possessor are two very different people1 even leaving husbands and lovers out of the question4 ,at this moment began the short happiness of my life1 those peaceful and rapid moments1 which have given me a right to say1 ,i have lived4 ,precious and ever--regretted moments6 ,ah6 recommence your delightful course2 pass more slowly through my memory1 if possible1 than you actually did in your fugitive succession4 ,how shall ,i prolong1 according to my inclination1 this recital at once so pleasing and simple8 ,how shall ,i continue to relate the same occurrences1 without wearying my readers with the repetition1 any more than ,i was satiated with the enjoyment8 ,again1 if all this consisted of facts1 actions1 or words1 ,i could somehow or other convey an idea of it2 but how shall ,i describe what was neither said nor done1 nor even thought1 but enjoyed1 felt1 without being able to particularize any other object of my happiness than the bare idea8 ,i rose with the sun1 and was happy2 ,i walked1 and was happy2 ,i saw ,madam de ,warrens1 and was happy2 ,i quitted her1 and still was happy6--,whether ,i rambled through the woods1 over the hills1 or strolled along the valley2 read1 was idle1 worked in the garden1 or gathered fruits1 happiness continually accompanied me2 it was fixed on no particular object1 it was within me1 nor could ,i depart from it a single moment4 ,nothing that passed during that charming epocha1 nothing that ,i did1 said1 or thought1 has escaped my memory4 ,the time that preceded or followed it1 ,i only recollect by intervals1 unequally and confused2 but here ,i remember all as distinctly as if it existed at this moment4 ,imagination1 which in my youth was perpetually anticipating the future1 but now takes a retrograde course1 makes some amends by these charming recollections for the deprivation of hope1 which ,i have lost forever4 ,i no longer see anything in the future that can tempt my wishes1 it is a recollection of the past alone that can flatter me1 and the remembrance of the period ,i am now describing is so true and lively1 that it sometimes makes me happy1 even in spite of my misfortunes4 ,of these recollections ,i shall relate one example1 which may give some idea of their force and precision4 ,the first day we went to sleep at ,charmettes1 the way being up-hill1 and ,madam de ,warrens rather heavy1 she was carried in a chair1 while ,i followed on foot4 ,fearing the chairmen would be fatigued1 she got out about half-way1 designing to walk the rest of it4 ,as we passed along1 she saw something blue in the hedge1 and said1 ,there's some periwinkle in flower yet6 ,i had never seen any before1 nor did ,i stop to examine this3 my sight is too short to distinguish plants on the ground1 and ,i only cast a look at this as ,i passed3 an interval of near thirty years had elapsed before ,i saw any more periwinkle1 at least before ,i observed it1 when being at ,cressier in #agfd1 with my friend1 ,m4 du ,peyrou1 we went up a small mountain1 on the summit of which there is a level spot1 called1 with reason1 ',belle--vue'1 ,i was then beginning to herbalize2--walking and looking among the bushes1 ,i exclaimed with rapture1 ,ah1 there's some periwinkle6 ,du ,peyrou1 who perceived my transport1 was ignorant of the cause1 but will some day be informed3 ,i hope1 on reading this4 ,the reader may judge by this impression1 made by so small an incident1 what an effect must have been produced by every occurrence of that time4 ,meantime1 the air of the country did not restore my health2 ,i was languishing and became more so2 ,i could not endure milk1 and was obliged to discontinue the use of it4 ,water was at this time the fashionable remedy for every complaint2 accordingly ,i entered on a course of it1 and so indiscreetly1 that it almost released me1 not only from my illness but also from my life4 ,the water ,i drank was rather hard and difficult to pass1 as water from mountains generally is2 in short1 ,i managed so well1 that in the course of two months ,i totally ruined my stomach1 which until that time had been very good1 and no longer digesting anything properly1 had no reason to expect a cure4 ,at this time an accident happened1 as singular in itself as in its subsequent consequences1 which can only terminate with my existence4 ,one morning1 being no worse than usual1 while putting up the leaf of a small table1 ,i felt a sudden and almost inconceivable revolution throughout my whole frame4 ,i know not how to describe it better than as a kind of tempest1 which suddenly rose in my blood1 and spread in a moment over every part of my body4 ,my arteries began beating so violently that ,i not only felt their motion1 but even heard it1 particularly that of the carotids1 attended by a loud noise in my ears1 which was of three1 or rather four1 distinct kinds4 ,for instance1 first a grave hollow buzzing2 then a more distinct murmur1 like the running of water2 then an extremely sharp hissing1 attended by the beating ,i before mentioned1 and whose throbs ,i could easily count1 without feeling my pulse1 or putting a hand to any part of my body4 ,this internal tumult was so violent that it has injured my auricular organs1 and rendered me1 from that time1 not entirely deaf1 but hard of hearing4 ,my surprise and fear may easily be conceived2 imagining it was the stroke of death1 ,i went to bed1 and the physician being sent for1 trembling with apprehension1 ,i related my case2 judging it past all cure4 ,i believe the doctor was of the same opinion2 however he performed his office1 running over a long string of causes and effects beyond my comprehension1 after which1 in consequence of this sublime theory1 he set about1 'in anima vili'1 the experimental part of his art1 but the means he was pleased to adopt in order to effect a cure were so troublesome1 disgusting1 and followed by so little effect1 that ,i soon discontinued it1 and after some weeks1 finding ,i was neither better nor worse1 left my bed1 and returned to my usual method of living2 but the beating of my arteries and the buzzing in my ears has never quitted me a moment during the thirty years' time which has elapsed since that time4 ,till now1 ,i had been a great sleeper1 but a total privation of repose1 with other alarming symptoms which have accompanied it1 even to this time1 persuaded me ,i had but a short time to live4 ,this idea tranquillized me for a time3 ,i became less anxious about a cure1 and being persuaded ,i could not prolong life1 determined to employ the remainder of it as usefully as possible4 ,this was practicable by a particular indulgence of ,nature1 which1 in this melancholy state1 exempted me from sufferings which it might have been supposed ,i should have experienced4 ,i was incommoded by the noise1 but felt no pain1 nor was it accompanied by any habitual inconvenience1 except nocturnal wakefulness1 and at all times a shortness of breath1 which is not violent enough to be called an asthma1 but was troublesome when ,i attempted to run1 or use any degree of exertion4 ,this accident1 which seemed to threaten the dissolution of my body1 only killed my passions1 and ,i have reason to thank ,heaven for the happy effect produced by it on my soul4 ,i can truly say1 ,i only began to live when ,i considered myself as entering the grave2 for1 estimating at their real value those things ,i was quitting2 ,i began to employ myself on nobler objects1 namely by anticipating those ,i hoped shortly to have the contemplation of1 and which ,i had hitherto too much neglected4 ,i had often made light of religion1 but was never totally devoid of it2 consequently1 it cost me less pain to employ my thoughts on that subject1 which is generally thought melancholy1 though highly pleasing to those who make it an object of hope and consolation2 ,madam de ,warrens1 therefore1 was more useful to me on this occasion than all the theologians in the world would have been4 ,she1 who brought everything into a system1 had not failed to do as much by religion2 and this system was composed of ideas that bore no affinity to each other4 ,some were extremely good1 and others very ridiculous1 being made up of sentiments proceeding from her disposition1 and prejudices derived from education4 ,men1 in general1 make ,god like themselves2 the virtuous make ,him good1 and the profligate make ,him wicked2 ill-tempered and bilious devotees see nothing but hell1 because they would willingly damn all mankind2 while loving and gentle souls disbelieve it altogether2 and one of the astonishments ,i could never overcome1 is to see the good ,fenelon speak of it in his ,telemachus as if he really gave credit to it2 but ,i hope he lied in that particular1 for however strict he might be in regard to truth1 a bishop absolutely must lie sometimes4 ,madam de ,warrens spoke truth with me1 and that soul1 made up without gall1 who could not imagine a revengeful and ever angry ,god1 saw only clemency and forgiveness1 where devotees bestowed inflexible justice1 and eternal punishment4 ,she frequently said there would be no justice in the ,supreme ,being should ,he be strictly just to us2 because1 not having bestowed what was necessary to render us essentially good1 it would be requiring more than he had given4 ,the most whimsical idea was1 that not believing in hell1 she was firmly persuaded of the reality of purgatory4 ,this arose from her not knowing what to do with the wicked1 being loathed to damn them utterly1 nor yet caring to place them with the good till they had become so2 and we must really allow1 that both in this world and the next1 the wicked are very troublesome company4 ,it is clearly seen that the doctrine of original sin and the redemption of mankind is destroyed by this system2 consequently that the basis of the ,christian dispensation1 as generally received1 is shaken1 and that the ,catholic faith cannot subsist with these principles2 ,madam de ,warrens1 notwithstanding1 was a good ,catholic1 or at least pretended to be one1 and certainly desired to become such1 but it appeared to her that the ,scriptures were too literally and harshly explained1 supposing that all we read of everlasting torments were figurative threatenings1 and the death of ,jesus ,christ an example of charity1 truly divine1 which should teach mankind to love ,god and each other2 in a word1 faithful to the religion she had embraced1 she acquiesced in all its professions of faith1 but on a discussion of each particular article1 it was plain she thought diametrically opposite to that church whose doctrines she professed to believe4 ,in these cases she exhibited simplicity of art1 a frankness more eloquent than sophistry1 which frequently embarrassed her confessor2 for she disguised nothing from him4 ,i am a good ,catholic1 she would say1 and will ever remain so2 ,i adopt with all the powers of my soul the decisions of our holy ,mother ,church2 ,i am not mistress of my faith1 but ,i am of my will1 which ,i submit to you without reserve2 ,i will endeavor to believe all1--what can you require more8 ,had there been no ,christian morality established1 ,i am persuaded she would have lived as if regulated by its principles1 so perfectly did they seem to accord with her disposition4 ,she did everything that was required2 and she would have done the same had there been no such requisition3 but all this morality was subordinate to the principles of ,m4 ,tavel1 or rather she pretended to see nothing in religion that contradicted them2 thus she would have favored twenty lovers in a day1 without any idea of a crime1 her conscience being no more moved in that particular than her passions4 ,i know that a number of devotees are not more scrupulous1 but the difference is1 they are seduced by constitution1 she was blinded by her sophisms4 ,in the midst of conversations the most affecting1 ,i might say the most edifying1 she would touch on this subject1 without any change of air or manner1 and without being sensible of any contradiction in her opinions2 so much was she persuaded that our restrictions on that head are merely political1 and that any person of sense might interpret1 apply1 or make exceptions to them1 without any danger of offending the ,almighty4 ,though ,i was far enough from being of the same opinion in this particular1 ,i confess ,i dared not combat hers2 indeed1 as ,i was situated1 it would have been putting myself in rather awkward circumstances1 since ,i could only have sought to establish my opinion for others1 myself being an exception4 ,besides1 ,i entertained but little hopes of making her alter hers1 which never had any great influence on her conduct1 and at the time ,i am speaking of none2 but ,i have promised faithfully to describe her principles1 and ,i will perform my engagement--,i now return to myself4 ,finding in her all those ideas ,i had occasion for to secure me from the fears of death and its future consequences1 ,i drew confidence and security from this source2 my attachment became warmer than ever1 and ,i would willingly have transmitted to her my whole existence1 which seemed ready to abandon me4 ,from this redoubled attachment1 a persuasion that ,i had but a short time to live1 and profound security on my future state1 arose an habitual and even pleasing serenity1 which1 calming every passion that extends our hopes and fears1 made me enjoy without inquietude or concern the few days which ,i imagined remained for me4 ,what contributed to render them still snore agreeable was an endeavor to encourage her rising taste for the country1 by every amusement ,i could possibly devise1 wishing to attach her to her garden1 poultry1 pigeons1 and cows3 ,i amused myself with them and these little occupations1 which employed my time without injuring my tranquillity1 were more serviceable than a milk diet1 or all the remedies bestowed on my poor shattered machine1 even to effecting the utmost possible reestablishment of it4 ,the vintage and gathering in our fruit employed the remainder of the year2 we became more and more attached to a rustic life1 and the society of our honest neighbors4 ,we saw the approach of winter with regret1 and returned to the city as if going into exile4 ,to me this return was particularly gloomy1 who never expected to see the return of spring1 and thought ,i took an everlasting leave of ,charmettes4 ,i did not quit it without kissing the very earth and trees1 casting back many a wishful look as ,i went towards ,chambery4 ,having left my scholars for so long a time1 and lost my relish for the amusements of the town1 ,i seldom went out1 conversing only with ,madam de ,warrens and a ,monsieur ,salomon1 who had lately become our physician4 ,he was an honest man1 of good understanding1 a great ,cartesian1 spoke tolerably well on the system of the world1 and his agreeable and instructive conversations were more serviceable than his prescriptions4 ,i could never bear that foolish trivial mode of conversation which is so generally adopted2 but useful instructive discourse has always given me great pleasure1 nor was ,i ever backward to join in it4 ,i was much pleased with that of ,m4 ,salomon2 it appeared to me1 that when in his company1 ,i anticipated the acquisition of that sublime knowledge which my soul would enjoy when freed from its mortal fetters4 ,the inclination ,i had for him extended to the subjects which he treated on1 and ,i began to look after books which might better enable me to understand his discourse4 ,those which mingled devotion with science were most agreeable to me1 particularly ,port ,royal's ,oratory1 and ,i began to read or rather to devour them4 ,one fell into my hands written by ,father ,lami1 called ',entretiens sur les ,sciences'1 which was a kind of introduction to the knowledge of those books it treated of4 ,i read it over a hundred times1 and resolved to make this my guide2 in short1 ,i found 7notwithstanding my ill state of health7 that ,i was irresistibly drawn towards study1 and though looking on each day as the last of my life1 read with as much avidity as if certain ,i was to live forever4 ,i was assured that reading would injure me2 but on the contrary1 ,i am rather inclined to think it was serviceable1 not only to my soul1 but also to my body2 for this application1 which soon became delightful1 diverted my thoughts from my disorders1 and ,i soon found myself much less affected by them4 ,it is certain1 however1 that nothing gave me absolute ease1 but having no longer any acute pain1 ,i became accustomed to languishment and wakefulness2 to thinking instead of acting2 in short1 ,i looked on the gradual and slow decay of my body as inevitably progressive and only to be terminated by death4 ,this opinion not only detached me from all the vain cares of life1 but delivered me from the importunity of medicine1 to which hitherto1 ,i had been forced to submit1 though contrary to my inclination4 ,salomon1 convinced that his drugs were unavailing1 spared me the disagreeable task of taking them1 and contented himself with amusing the grief of my poor ,madam de ,warrens by some of those harmless preparations1 which serve to flatter the hopes of the patient and keep up the credit of the doctor4 ,i discontinued the strict regimen ,i had latterly observed1 resumed the use of wine1 and lived in every respect like a man in perfect health1 as far as my strength would permit1 only being careful to run into no excess2 ,i even began to go out and visit my acquaintance1 particularly ,m4 de ,conzie1 whose conversation was extremely pleasing to me4 ,whether it struck me as heroic to study to my last hour1 or that some hopes of life yet lingered in the bottom of my heart1 ,i cannot tell1 but the apparent certainty of death1 far from relaxing my inclination for improvement1 seemed to animate it1 and ,i hastened to acquire knowledge for the other world1 as if convinced ,i should only possess that portion ,i could carry with me4 ,i took a liking to the shop of a bookseller1 whose name was ,bouchard1 which was frequented by some men of letters1 and as the spring 7whose return ,i had never expected to see again7 was approaching1 furnished myself with some books for ,charmettes1 in case ,i should have the happiness to return there4 ,i had that happiness1 and enjoyed it to the utmost extent4 ,the rapture with which ,i saw the trees put out their first bud1 is inexpressible6 ,the return of spring seemed to me like rising from the grave into paradise4 ,the snow was hardly off the ground when we left our dungeon and returned to ,charmettes1 to enjoy the first warblings of the nightingale4 ,i now thought no more of dying1 and it is really singular1 that from this time ,i never experienced any dangerous illness in the country4 ,i have suffered greatly1 but never kept my bed1 and have often said to those about me1 on finding myself worse than ordinary1 ,should you see me at the point of death1 carry me under the shade of an oak1 and ,i promise you ,i shall recover4 ,though weak1 ,i resumed my country occupations1 as far as my strength would permit1 and conceived a real grief at not being able to manage our garden without help2 for ,i could not take five or six strokes with the spade without being out of breath and overcome with perspiration2 when ,i stooped the beating redoubled1 and the blood flew with such violence to my head1 that ,i was instantly obliged to stand upright4 ,being therefore confined to less fatiguing employments1 ,i busied myself about the dove --house1 and was so pleased with it that ,i sometimes passed several hours there without feeling a moment's weariness4 ,the pigeon is very timid and difficult to tame1 yet ,i inspired mine with so much confidence that they followed me everywhere1 letting me catch them at pleasure1 nor could ,i appear in the garden without having two or three on my arms or head in an instant1 and notwithstanding the pleasure ,i took in them1 their company became so troublesome that ,i was obliged to lessen the familiarity4 ,i have ever taken great pleasure in taming animals1 particularly those that are wild and fearful4 ,it appeared delightful to me1 to inspire them with a confidence which ,i took care never to abuse1 wishing them to love me freely4 ,i have already mentioned that ,i purchased some books3 ,i did not forget to read them1 but in a manner more proper to fatigue than instruct me4 ,i imagined that to read a book profitably1 it was necessary to be acquainted with every branch of knowledge it even mentioned2 far from thinking that the author did not do this himself1 but drew assistance from other books1 as he might see occasion4 ,full of this silly idea1 ,i was stopped every moment1 obliged to run from one book to another1 and sometimes1 before ,i could reach the tenth page of what ,i was studying1 found it necessary to turn over a whole library4 ,i was so attached to this ridiculous method1 that ,i lost a prodigious deal of time and had bewildered my head to such a degree1 that ,i was hardly capable of doing1 seeing or comprehending anything4 ,i fortunately perceived1 at length1 that ,i was in the wrong road1 which would entangle me in an inextricable labyrinth1 and quitted it before ,i was irrevocably lost4 ,when a person has any real taste for the sciences1 the first thing he perceives in the pursuit of them is that connection by which they mutually attract1 assist1 and enlighten each other1 and that it is impossible to attain one without the assistance of the rest4 ,though the human understanding cannot grasp all1 and one must ever be regarded as the principal object1 yet if the rest are totally neglected1 the favorite study is generally obscure2 ,i was convinced that my resolution to improve was good and useful in itself1 but that it was necessary ,i should change my method2 ,i1 therefore1 had recourse to the encyclopaedia4 ,i began by a distribution of the general mass of human knowledge into its various branches1 but soon discovered that ,i must pursue a contrary course1 that ,i must take each separately1 and trace it to that point where it united with the rest3 thus ,i returned to the general synthetical method1 but returned thither with a conviction that ,i was going right4 ,meditation supplied the want of knowledge1 and a very natural reflection gave strength to my resolutions1 which was1 that whether ,i lived or died1 ,i had no time to lose2 for having learned but little before the age of five-and-twenty1 and then resolving to learn everything1 was engaging to employ the future time profitably4 ,i was ignorant at what point accident or death might put a period to my endeavors1 and resolved at all events to acquire with the utmost expedition some idea of every species of knowledge1 as well to try my natural disposition1 as to judge for myself what most deserved cultivation4 ,in the execution of my plan1 ,i experienced another advantage which ,i had never thought of2 this was1 spending a great deal of time profitably4 ,nature certainly never meant me for study1 since attentive application fatigues me so much1 that ,i find it impossible to employ myself half an hour together intently on any one subject2 particularly while following another person's ideas1 for it has frequently happened that ,i have pursued my own for a much longer period with success4 ,after reading a few pages of an author with close application1 my understanding is bewildered1 and should ,i obstinately continue1 ,i tire myself to no purpose1 a stupefaction seizes me1 and ,i am no longer conscious of what ,i read2 but in a succession of various subjects1 one relieves me from the fatigue of the other1 and without finding respite necessary1 ,i can follow them with pleasure4 ,i took advantage of this observation in the plan of my studies1 taking care to intermingle them in such a manner that ,i was never weary3 it is true that domestic and rural concerns furnished many pleasing relaxations2 but as my eagerness for improvement increased1 ,i contrived to find opportunities for my studies1 frequently employing myself about two things at the same time1 without reflecting that both were consequently neglected4 ,in relating so many trifling details1 which delight me1 but frequently tire my reader1 ,i make use of the caution to suppress a great number1 though1 perhaps1 he would have no idea of this1 if ,i did not take care to inform him of it3 for example1 ,i recollect with pleasure all the different methods ,i adopted for the distribution of my time1 in such a manner as to produce the utmost profit and pleasure4 ,i may say1 that the portion of my life which ,i passed in this retirement1 though in continual ill-health1 was that in which ,i was least idle and least wearied4 ,two or three months were thus employed in discovering the bent of my genius2 meantime1 ,i enjoyed1 in the finest season of the year1 and in a spot it rendered delightful1 the charms of a life whose worth ,i was so highly sensible of1 in such a society1 as free as it was charming2 if a union so perfect1 and the extensive knowledge ,i purposed to acquire1 can be called society4 ,it seemed to me as if ,i already possessed the improvements ,i was only in pursuit of3 or rather better1 since the pleasure of learning constituted a great part of my happiness4 ,i must pass over these particulars1 which were to me the height of enjoyment1 but are too trivial to bear repeating3 indeed1 true happiness is indescribable1 it is only to be felt1 and this consciousness of felicity is proportionately more1 the less able we are to describe it2 because it does not absolutely result from a concourse of favorable incidents1 but is an affection of the mind itself4 ,i am frequently guilty of repetitions1 but should be infinitely more so1 did ,i repeat the same thing as often as it recurs with pleasure to my mind4 ,when at length my variable mode of life was reduced to a more uniform course1 the following was nearly the distribution of time which ,i adopted3 ,i rose every morning before the sun1 and passed through a neighboring orchard into a pleasant path1 which1 running by a vineyard1 led towards ,chambery4 ,while walking1 ,i offered up my prayers1 not by a vain motion of the lips1 but a sincere elevation of my heart1 to the ,great ,author of delightful nature1 whose beauties were so charmingly spread out before me6 ,i never love to pray in a chamber2 it seems to me that the walls and all the little workmanship of man interposed between ,god and myself3 ,i love to contemplate ,him in his works1 which elevate my soul1 and raise my thoughts to ,him4 ,my prayers were pure1 ,i can affirm it1 and therefore worthy to be heard3--,i asked for myself and her from whom my thoughts were never divided1 only an innocent and quiet life1 exempt from vice1 sorrow and want2 ,i prayed that we might die the death of the just1 and partake of their lot hereafter3 for the rest1 it was rather admiration and contemplation than request1 being satisfied that the best means to obtain what is necessary from the ,giver of every perfect good1 is rather to deserve than to solicit4 ,returning from my walk1 ,i lengthened the way by taking a roundabout path1 still contemplating with earnestness and delight the beautiful scenes with which ,i was surrounded1 those only objects that never fatigue either the eye or the heart4 ,as ,i approached our habitation1 ,i looked forward to see if ,madam de ,warrens was stirring1 and when ,i perceived her shutters open1 ,i even ran with joy towards the house3 if they were yet shut ,i went into the garden to wait their opening1 amusing myself1 meantime1 by a retrospection of what ,i had read the preceding evening1 or in gardening4 ,the moment the shutter drew back ,i hastened to embrace her1 frequently half asleep2 and this salute1 pure as it was affectionate1 even from its innocence1 possessed a charm which the senses can never bestow4 ,we usually breakfasted on milk-coffee2 this was the time of day when we had most leisure1 and when we chatted with the greatest freedom4 ,these sittings1 which were usually pretty long1 have given me a fondness for breakfasts1 and ,i infinitely prefer those of ,england1 or ,switzerland1 which are considered as a meal1 at which all the family assemble1 than those of ,france1 where they breakfast alone in their several apartments1 or more frequently have none at all4 ,after an hour or two passed in discourse1 ,i went to my study till dinner2 beginning with some philosophical work1 such as the logic of ,port-,royal1 ,locke's ,essays1 ,mallebranche1 ,leibtnitz1 ,descartes1 etc4 ,i soon found that these authors perpetually contradict each other1 and formed the chimerical project of reconciling them1 which cost me much labor and loss of time1 bewildering my head without any profit4 ,at length 7renouncing this idea7 ,i adopted one infinitely more profitable1 to which ,i attribute all the progress ,i have since made1 notwithstanding the defects of my capacity2 for 'tis certain ,i had very little for study4 ,on reading each author1 ,i acquired a habit of following all his ideas1 without suffering my own or those of any other writer to interfere with them1 or entering into any dispute on their utility4 ,i said to myself1 ,i will begin by laying up a stock of ideas1 true or false1 but clearly conceived1 till my understanding shall be sufficiently furnished to enable me to compare and make choice of those that are most estimable4 ,i am sensible this method is not without its inconveniences1 but it succeeded in furnishing me with a fund of instruction4 ,having passed some years in thinking after others1 without reflection1 and almost without reasoning1 ,i found myself possessed of sufficient materials to set about thinking on my own account1 and when journeys of business deprived me of the opportunities of consulting books1 ,i amused myself with recollecting and comparing what ,i had read1 weighing every opinion on the balance of reason1 and frequently judging my masters4 ,though it was late before ,i began to exercise my judicial faculties1 ,i have not discovered that they had lost their vigor1 and on publishing my own ideas1 have never been accused of being a servile disciple or of swearing 'in verba magistri'4 ,from these studies ,i passed to the elements of geometry1 for ,i never went further1 forcing my weak memory to retain them by going the same ground a hundred and a hundred times over4 ,i did not admire ,euclid1 who rather seeks a chain of demonstration than a connection of ideas3 ,i preferred the geometry of ,father ,lama1 who from that time became one of my favorite authors1 and whose works ,i yet read with pleasure4 ,algebra followed1 and ,father ,lama was still my guide3 when ,i made some progress1 ,i perused ,father ,reynaud's ,science of ,calculation1 and then his ,analysis ,demonstrated2 but ,i never went far enough thoroughly to understand the application of algebra to geometry4 ,i was not pleased with this method of performing operations by rule without knowing what ,i was about3 resolving geometrical problems by the help of equations seemed like playing a tune by turning round a handle4 ,the first time ,i found by calculation that the square of a binocular figure was composed of the square of each of its parts1 and double the product of one by the other2 though convinced that my multiplication was right1 ,i could not be satisfied till ,i had made and examined the figure3 not but ,i admire algebra when applied to abstract quantities1 but when used to demonstrate dimensions1 ,i wished to see the operation1 and unless explained by lines1 could not rightly comprehend it4 ,after this came ,latin3 it was my most painful study1 and in which ,i never made great progress4 ,i began by ,port-,royal's ,rudiments1 but without success2 ,i lost myself in a crowd of rules2 and in studying the last forgot all that preceded it4 ,a study of words is not calculated for a man without memory1 and it was principally an endeavor to make my memory more retentive1 that urged me obstinately to persist in this study1 which at length ,i was obliged to relinquish4 ,as ,i understood enough to read an easy author by the aid of a dictionary1 ,i followed that method1 and found it succeed tolerably well4 ,i likewise applied myself to translation1 not by writing1 but mentally1 and by exercise and perseverance attained to read ,latin authors easily1 but have never been able to speak or write that language1 which has frequently embarrassed me when ,i have found myself 7,i know not by what means7 enrolled among men of letters4 ,another inconvenience that arose from this manner of learning is1 that ,i never understood prosody1 much less the rules of versification2 yet1 anxious to understand the harmony of the language1 both in prose and verse1 ,i have made many efforts to obtain it1 but am convinced1 that without a master it is almost impossible4 ,having learned the composition of the hexameter1 which is the easiest of all verses1 ,i had the patience to measure out the greater part of ,virgil into feet and quantity1 and whenever ,i was dubious whether a syllable was long or short1 immediately consulted my ,virgil4 ,it may easily be conceived that ,i ran into many errors in consequence of those licenses permitted by the rules of versification2 and it is certain1 that if there is an advantage in studying alone1 there are also great inconveniences and inconceivable labor1 as ,i have experienced more than any one4 ,at twelve ,i quitted my books1 and if dinner was not ready1 paid my friends1 the pigeons1 a visit1 or worked in the garden till it was1 and when ,i heard myself called1 ran very willingly1 and with a good appetite to partake of it1 for it is very remarkable1 that let me be ever so indisposed my appetite never fails4 ,we dined very agreeably1 chatting till ,madam de ,warrens could eat4 ,two or three times a week1 when it was fine1 we drank our coffee in a cool shady arbor behind the house1 that ,i had decorated with hops1 and which was very refreshing during the heat2 we usually passed an hour in viewing our flowers and vegetables1 or in conversation relative to our manner of life1 which greatly increased the pleasure of it4 ,i had another little family at the end of the garden2 these were several hives of bees1 which ,i never failed to visit once a day1 and was frequently accompanied by ,madam de ,warrens4 ,i was greatly interested in their labor1 and amused myself seeing them return to the hives1 their little thighs so loaded with the precious store that they could hardly walk4 ,at first1 curiosity made me indiscreet1 and they stung me several times1 but afterwards1 we were so well acquainted1 that let me approach as near as ,i would1 they never molested me1 though the hives were full and the bees ready to swarm4 ,at these times ,i have been surrounded1 having them on my hands and face without apprehending any danger4 ,all animals are distrustful of man1 and with reason1 but when once assured he does not mean to injure them1 their confidence becomes so great that he must be worse than a barbarian who abuses it4 ,after this ,i returned to my books2 but my afternoon employment ought rather to bear the name of recreation and amusement1 than labor or study4 ,i have never been able to bear application after dinner1 and in general any kind of attention is painful to me during the heat of the day4 ,i employed myself1 'tis true1 but without restraint or rule1 and read without studying4 ,what ,i most attended to at these times1 was history and geography1 and as these did not require intense application1 made as much progress in them as my weak memory would permit4 ,i had an inclination to study ,father ,petau1 and launched into the gloom of chronology1 but was disgusted at the critical part1 which ,i found had neither bottom nor banks2 this made me prefer the more exact measurement of time by the course of the celestial bodies4 ,i should even have contracted a fondness for astronomy1 had ,i been in possession of instruments1 but was obliged to content myself with some of the elements of that art1 learned from books1 and a few rude observations made with a telescope1 sufficient only to give me a general idea of the situation of the heavenly bodies2 for my short sight is insufficient to distinguish the stars without the help of a glass4 ,i recollect an adventure on this subject1 the remembrance of which has often diverted me4 ,i had bought a celestial planisphere to study the constellations by1 and1 having fixed it on a frame1 when the nights were fine and the sky clear1 ,i went into the garden2 and fixing the frame on four sticks1 something higher than myself1 which ,i drove into the ground1 turned the planisphere downwards1 and contrived to light it by means of a candle 7which ,i put in a pail to prevent the wind from blowing it out7 and then placed in the centre of the above--mentioned four supporters2 this done1 ,i examined the stars with my glass1 and from time to time referring to my planisphere1 endeavored to distinguish the various constellations4 ,i think ,i have before observed that our garden was on a terrace1 and lay open to the road4 ,one night1 some country people passing very late1 saw me in a most grotesque habit1 busily employed in these observations3 the light1 which struck directly on the planisphere1 proceeding from a cause they could not divine 7the candle being concealed by the sides of the pail71 the four stakes supporting a large paper1 marked over with various uncouth figures1 with the motion of the telescope1 which they saw turning backwards and forwards1 gave the whole an air of conjuration that struck them with horror and amazement4 ,my figure was by no means calculated to dispel their fears2 a flapped hat put on over my nightcap1 and a short cloak about my shoulder 7which ,madam de ,warrens had obliged me to put on7 presented in their idea the image of a real sorcerer4 ,being near midnight1 they made no doubt but this was the beginning of some diabolical assembly1 and having no curiosity to pry further into these mysteries1 they fled with all possible speed1 awakened their neighbors1 and described this most dreadful vision4 ,the story spread so fast that the next day the whole neighborhood was informed that a nocturnal assembly of witches was held in the garden that belonged to ,monsieur ,noiret1 and ,i am ignorant what might have been the consequence of this rumor if one of the countrymen who had been witness to my conjurations had not the same day carried his complaint to two ,jesuits1 who frequently came to visit us1 and who1 without knowing the foundation of the story1 undeceived and satisfied them4 ,these ,jesuits told us the whole affair1 and ,i acquainted them with the cause of it1 which altogether furnished us with a hearty laugh4 ,however1 ,i resolved for the future to make my observations without light1 and consult my planisphere in the house4 ,those who have read ,venetian magic1 in the ',letters from the ,mountain'1 may find that ,i long since had the reputation of being a conjurer4 ,such was the life ,i led at ,charmettes when ,i had no rural employments1 for they ever had the preference1 and in those that did not exceed my strength1 ,i worked like a peasant2 but my extreme weakness left me little except the will2 besides1 as ,i have before observed1 ,i wished to do two things at once1 and therefore did neither well4 ,i obstinately persisted in forcing my memory to retain a great deal by heart1 and for that purpose1 ,i always carried some book with me1 which1 while at work1 ,i studied with inconceivable labor4 ,i was continually repeating something1 and am really amazed that the fatigue of these vain and continual efforts did not render me entirely stupid4 ,i must have learned and relearned the ,eclogues of ,virgil twenty times over1 though at this time ,i cannot recollect a single line of them4 ,i have lost or spoiled a great number of books by a custom ,i had of carrying them with me into the dove-house1 the garden1 orchard or vineyard1 when1 being busy about something else1 ,i laid my book at the foot of a tree1 on the hedge1 or the first place that came to hand1 and frequently left them there1 finding them a fortnight after1 perhaps1 rotted to pieces1 or eaten by the ants or snails2 and this ardor for learning became so far a madness that it rendered me almost stupid1 and ,i was perpetually muttering some passage or other to myself4 ,the writings of ,port-,royal1 and those of the ,oratory1 being what ,i most read1 had made me half a ,jansenist1 and1 notwithstanding all my confidence1 their harsh theology sometimes alarmed me4 ,a dread of hell1 which till then ,i had never much apprehended1 by little and little disturbed my security1 and had not ,madam de ,warrens tranquillized my soul1 would at length have been too much for me4 ,my confessor1 who was hers likewise1 contributed all in his power to keep up my hopes4 ,this was a ,jesuit1 named ,father ,hemet2 a good and wise old man1 whose memory ,i shall ever hold in veneration4 ,though a ,jesuit1 he had the simplicity of a child1 and his manners1 less relaxed than gentle1 were precisely what was necessary to balance the melancholy impressions made on me by ,jansenism4 ,this good man and his companion1 ,father ,coppier1 came frequently to visit us at ,charmette1 though the road was very rough and tedious for men of their age4 ,these visits were very comfortable to me1 which may the ,almighty return to their souls1 for they were so old that ,i cannot suppose them yet living4 ,i sometimes went to see them at ,chambery1 became acquainted at their convent1 and had free access to the library4 ,the remembrance of that happy time is so connected with the idea of those ,jesuits1 that ,i love one on account of the other1 and though ,i have ever thought their doctrines dangerous1 could never find myself in a disposition to hate them cordially4 ,i should like to know whether there ever passed such childish notions in the hearts of other men as sometimes do in mine4 ,in the midst of my studies1 and of a life as innocent as man could lead1 notwithstanding every persuasion to the contrary1 the dread of hell frequently tormented me4 ,i asked myself1 ,what state am ,i in8 ,should ,i die at this instant1 must ,i be damned8 ,according to my ,jansenists the matter was indubitable1 but according to my conscience it appeared quite the contrary3 terrified and floating in this cruel uncertainty1 ,i had recourse to the most laughable expedient to resolve my doubts1 for which ,i would willingly shut up any man as a lunatic should ,i see him practise the same folly4 ,one day1 meditating on this melancholy subject1 ,i exercised myself in throwing stones at the trunks of trees1 with my usual dexterity1 that is to say1 without hitting any of them4 ,in the height of this charming exercise1 it entered my mind to make a kind of prognostic1 that might calm my inquietude2 ,i said1 ,i will throw this stone at the tree facing me2 if ,i hit my mark1 ,i will consider it as a sign of salvation2 if ,i miss1 as a token of damnation4 ,while ,i said this1 ,i threw the stone with a trembling hand and beating breast but so happily that it struck the body of the tree1 which truly was not a difficult matter1 for ,i had taken care to choose one that was very large and very near me4 ,from that moment ,i never doubted my salvation3 ,i know not on recollecting this trait1 whether ,i ought to laugh or shudder at myself4 ,ye great geniuses1 who surely laugh at my folly1 congratulate yourselves on your superior wisdom1 but insult not my unhappiness1 for ,i swear to you that ,i feel it most sensibly4 ,these troubles1 these alarms1 inseparable1 perhaps1 from devotion1 were only at intervals2 in general1 ,i was tranquil1 and the impression made on my soul by the idea of approaching death1 was less that of melancholy than a peaceful languor1 which even had its pleasures4 ,i have found among my old papers a kind of congratulation and exhortation which ,i made to myself on dying at an age when ,i had the courage to meet death with serenity1 without having experienced any great evils1 either of body or mind4 ,how much justice was there in the thought6 ,a preconception of what ,i had to suffer made me fear to live1 and it seemed that ,i dreaded the fate which must attend my future days4 ,i have never been so near wisdom as during this period1 when ,i felt no great remorse for the past1 nor tormenting fear for the future2 the reigning sentiment of my soul being the enjoyment of the present4 ,serious people usually possess a lively sensuality1 which makes them highly enjoy those innocent pleasures that are allowed them4 ,worldlings 7,i know not why7 impute this to them as a crime3 or rather1 ,i well know the cause of this imputation1 it is because they envy others the enjoyment of those simple and pure delights which they have lost the relish of4 ,i had these inclinations1 and found it charming to gratify them in security of conscience4 ,my yet inexperienced heart gave in to all with the calm happiness of a child1 or rather 7if ,i dare use the expression7 with the raptures of an angel2 for in reality these pure delights are as serene as those of paradise4 ,dinners on the grass at ,montagnole1 suppers in our arbor1 gathering in the fruits1 the vintage1 a social meeting with our neighbors2 all these were so many holidays1 in which ,madam de ,warrens took as much pleasure as myself4 ,solitary walks afforded yet purer pleasure1 because in them our hearts expanded with greater freedom3 one particularly remains in my memory2 it was on a ,st4 ,louis' day1 whose name ,madam de ,warrens bore3 we set out together early and unattended1 after having heard a mass at break of day in a chapel adjoining our house1 from a ,carmelite1 who attended for that purpose4 ,as ,i proposed walking over the hills opposite our dwelling1 which we had not yet visited1 we sent our provisions on before2 the excursion being to last the whole day4 ,madam de ,warrens1 though rather corpulent1 did not walk ill1 and we rambled from hill to hill and wood to wood1 sometimes in the sun1 but oftener in the shade1 resting from time to time1 and regardless how the hours stole away2 speaking of ourselves1 of our union1 of the gentleness of our fate1 and offering up prayers for its duration1 which were never heard4 ,everything conspired to augment our happiness3 it had rained for several days previous to this1 there was no dust1 the brooks were full and rapid1 a gentle breeze agitated the leaves1 the air was pure1 the horizon free from clouds1 serenity reigned in the sky as in our hearts4 ,our dinner was prepared at a peasant's house1 and shared with him and his family1 whose benedictions we received4 ,these poor ,savoyards are the worthiest of people6 ,after dinner we regained the shade1 and while ,i was picking up bits of dried sticks1 to boil our coffee1 ,madam de ,warrens amused herself with herbalizing among the bushes1 and with the flowers ,i had gathered for her in my way4 ,she made me remark in their construction a thousand natural beauties1 which greatly amused me1 and which ought to have given me a taste for botany2 but the time was not yet come1 and my attention was arrested by too many other studies4 ,besides this1 an idea struck me1 which diverted my thoughts from flowers and plants3 the situation of my mind at that moment1 all that we had said or done that day1 every object that had struck me1 brought to my remembrance the kind of waking dream ,i had at ,annecy seven or eight years before1 and which ,i have given an account of in its place4 ,the similarity was so striking that it affected me even to tears3 in a transport of tenderness ,i embraced ,madam de ,warrens4 ,my dearest friend1 said ,i1 this day has long since been promised me3 ,i can see nothing beyond it3 my happiness1 by your means1 is at its height2 may it never decrease2 may it continue as long as ,i am sensible of its value-then it can only finish with my life4 ,thus happily passed my days1 and the more happily as ,i perceived nothing that could disturb or bring them to a conclusion2 not that the cause of my former uneasiness had absolutely ceased1 but ,i saw it take another course1 which ,i directed with my utmost care to useful objects1 that the remedy might accompany the evil4 ,madam de ,warrens naturally loved the country1 and this taste did not cool while with me4 ,by little and little she contracted a fondness for rustic employments1 wished to make the most of her land1 and had in that particular a knowledge which she practised with pleasure4 ,not satisfied with what belonged to the house1 she hired first a field1 then a meadow1 transferring her enterprising humor to the objects of agriculture1 and instead of remaining unemployed in the house1 was in the way of becoming a complete farmer4 ,i was not greatly pleased to see this passion increase1 and endeavored all ,i could to oppose it2 for ,i was certain she would be deceived1 and that her liberal extravagant disposition would infallibly carry her expenses beyond her profits2 however1 ,i consoled myself by thinking the produce could not be useless1 and would at least help her to live4 ,of all the projects she could form1 this appeared the least ruinous3 without regarding it1 therefore1 in the light she did1 as a profitable scheme1 ,i considered it as a perpetual employment1 which would keep her from more ruinous enterprises1 and out of the reach of impostors4 ,with this idea1 ,i ardently wished to recover my health and strength1 that ,i might superintend her affairs1 overlook her laborers1 or1 rather1 be the principal one myself4 ,the exercise this naturally obliged me to take1 with the relaxation it procured me from books and study1 was serviceable to my health4 ,the winter following1 ,barillot returning from ,italy1 brought me some books2 and among others1 the ',bontempi' and 'la ,cartella per ,musica'1 of ,father ,banchieri2 these gave me a taste for the history of music and for the theoretical researches of that pleasing art4 ,barillot remained some time with us1 and as ,i had been of age some months1 ,i determined to go to ,geneva the following spring1 and demand my mother's inheritance1 or at least that part which belonged to me1 till it could be ascertained what had become of my brother4 ,this plan was executed as it had been resolved3 ,i went to ,geneva2 my father met me there1 for he had occasionally visited ,geneva a long time since1 without its being particularly noticed1 though the decree that had been pronounced against him had never been reversed2 but being esteemed for his courage1 and respected for his probity1 the situation of his affairs was pretended to be forgotten2 or perhaps1 the magistrates1 employed with the great project that broke out some little time after1 were not willing to alarm the citizens by recalling to their memory1 at an improper time1 this instance of their former partiality4 ,i apprehended that ,i should meet with difficulties1 on account of having changed my religion1 but none occurred2 the laws of ,geneva being less harsh in that particular than those of ,berne1 where1 whoever changes his religion1 not only loses his freedom1 but his property4 ,my rights1 however1 were not disputed3 but ,i found my patrimony1 ,i know not how1 reduced to very little1 and though it was known almost to a certainty that my brother was dead1 yet1 as there was no legal proof1 ,i could not lay claim to his share1 which ,i left without regret to my father1 who enjoyed it as long as he lived4 ,no sooner were the necessary formalities adjusted1 and ,i had received my money1 some of which ,i expended in books1 than ,i flew with the remainder to ,madam de ,warrens2 my heart beat with joy during the journey1 and the moment in which ,i gave the money into her hands1 was to me a thousand times more delightful than that which gave it into mine4 ,she received this with a simplicity common to great souls1 who1 doing similar actions without effort1 see them without admiration2 indeed it was almost all expended for my use1 for it would have been employed in the same manner had it come from any other quarter4 ,my health was not yet re-established2 ,i decayed visibly1 was pale as death1 and reduced to an absolute skeleton2 the beating of my arteries was extreme1 my palpitations were frequent3 ,i was sensible of a continual oppression1 and my weakness became at length so great1 that ,i could scarcely move or step without danger of suffocation1 stoop without vertigoes1 or lift even the smallest weight1 which reduced me to the most tormenting inaction for a man so naturally stirring as myself4 ,it is certain my disorder was in a great measure hypochondriacal4 ,the vapors is a malady common to people in fortunate situations3 the tears ,i frequently shed1 without reason2 the lively alarms ,i felt on the falling of a leaf1 or the fluttering of a bird2 inequality of humor in the calm of a most pleasing life2 lassitude which made me weary even of happiness1 and carried sensibility to extravagance1 were an instance of this4 ,we are so little formed for felicity1 that when the soul and body do not suffer together1 they must necessarily endure separate inconveniences1 the good state of the one being almost always injurious to the happiness of the other4 ,had all the pleasure of life courted me1 my weakened frame would not have permitted the enjoyment of them1 without my being able to particularize the real seat of my complaint2 yet in the decline of life2 after having encountered very serious and real evils1 my body seemed to regain its strength1 as if on purpose to encounter additional misfortunes2 and1 at the moment ,i write this1 though infirm1 near sixty1 and overwhelmed with every kind of sorrow1 ,i feel more ability to suffer than ,i ever possessed for enjoyment when in the very flower of my age1 and in the bosom of real happiness4 ,to complete me1 ,i had mingled a little physiology among my other readings3 ,i set about studying anatomy1 and considering the multitude1 movement1 and wonderful construction of the various parts that composed the human machine2 my apprehensions were instantly increased1 ,i expected to feel mine deranged twenty times a day1 and far from being surprised to find myself dying1 was astonished that ,i yet existed6 ,i could not read the description of any malady without thinking it mine1 and1 had ,i not been already indisposed1 ,i am certain ,i should have become so from this study4 ,finding in every disease symptoms similar to mine1 ,i fancied ,i had them all1 and1 at length1 gained one more troublesome than any ,i yet suffered1 which ,i had thought myself delivered from2 this was1 a violent inclination to seek a cure2 which it is very difficult to suppress1 when once a person begins reading physical books4 ,by searching1 reflecting1 and comparing1 ,i became persuaded that the foundation of my complaint was a polypus at the heart1 and ,doctor ,salomon appeared to coincide with the idea4 ,reasonably this opinion should have confirmed my former resolution of considering myself past cure2 this1 however1 was not the case2 on the contrary2 ,i exerted every power of my understanding in search of a remedy for a polypus1 resolving to undertake this marvellous cure4 ,in a journey which ,anet had made to ,montpelier1 to see the physical garden there1 and visit ,monsieur ,sauvages1 the demonstrator1 he had been informed that ,monsieur ,fizes had cured a polypus similar to that ,i fancied myself afflicted with3 ,madam de ,warrens1 recollecting this circumstance1 mentioned it to me1 and nothing more was necessary to inspire me with a desire to consult ,monsieur ,fizes4 ,the hope of recovery gave me courage and strength to undertake the journey2 the money from ,geneva furnished the means2 ,madam de ,warrens1 far from dissuading1 entreated me to go3 behold me1 therefore1 without further ceremony1 set out for ,montpelier6--but it was not necessary to go so far to find the cure ,i was in search of4 ,finding the motion of the horse too fatiguing1 ,i had hired a chaise at ,grenoble1 and on entering ,moirans1 five or six other chaises arrived in a rank after mine4 ,the greater part of these were in the train of a new married lady called ,madam du ,colombier2 with her was a ,madam de ,larnage1 not so young or handsome as the former1 yet not less amiable4 ,the bride was to stop at ,romans1 but the other lady was to pursue her route as far as ,saint-,andiol1 near the bridge du ,st4 ,esprit4 ,with my natural timidity it will not be conjectured that ,i was very ready at forming an acquaintance with these fine ladies1 and the company that attended them2 but travelling the same road1 lodging at the same inns1 and being obliged to eat at the same table1 the acquaintance seemed unavoidable1 as any backwardness on my part would have got me the character of a very unsociable being3 it was formed then1 and even sooner than ,i desired1 for all this bustle was by no means convenient to a person in ill health1 particularly to one of my humor4 ,curiosity renders these vixens extremely insinuating2 they accomplish their design of becoming acquainted with a man by endeavoring to turn his brain1 and this was precisely what happened to me4 ,madam du ,colombier was too much surrounded by her young gallants to have any opportunity of paying much attention to me2 besides1 it was not worthwhile1 as we were to separate in so short a time2 but ,madam de ,larnage 7less attended to than her young friend7 had to provide herself for the remainder of the journey2 behold me1 then1 attacked by ,madam de ,larnage1 and adieu to poor ,jean ,jacques1 or rather farewell to fever1 vapors1 and polypus2 all completely vanished when in her presence4 ,the ill state of my health was the first subject of our conversation2 they saw ,i was indisposed1 knew ,i was going to ,montpelier1 but my air and manner certainly did not exhibit the appearance of a libertine1 since it was clear by what followed they did not suspect ,i was going there for a reason that carries many that road4 ,in the morning they sent to inquire after my health and invite me to take chocolate with them1 and when ,i made my appearance asked how ,i had passed the night4 ,once1 according to my praiseworthy custom of speaking without thought1 ,i replied1 ,i did not know1 which answer naturally made them conclude ,i was a fool3 but1 on questioning me further2 the examination turned out so far to my advantage1 that ,i rather rose in their opinion1 and ,i once heard ,madam du ,colombier say to her friend1 ,he is amiable1 but not sufficiently acquainted with the world4 ,these words were a great encouragement1 and assisted me in rendering myself agreeable4 ,as we became more familiar1 it was natural to give each other some little account of whence we came and who we were3 this embarrassed me greatly1 for ,i was sensible that in good company and among women of spirit1 the very name of a new convert would utterly undo me4 ,i know not by what whimsicallity ,i resolved to pass for an ,englishman2 however1 in consequence of that determination ,i gave myself out for a ,jacobite1 and was readily believed4 ,they called me ,monsieur ,dudding1 which was the name ,i assumed with my new character1 and a cursed ,marquis ,torignan1 who was one of the company1 an invalid like myself1 and both old and ill --tempered1 took it in his head to begin a long conversation with me4 ,he spoke of ,king ,james1 of the ,pretender1 and the old court of ,st4 ,germain's2 ,i sat on thorns the whole time1 for ,i was totally unacquainted with all these except what little ,i had picked up in the account of ,earl ,hamilton1 and from the gazettes2 however1 ,i made such fortunate use of the little ,i did know as to extricate myself from this dilemma1 happy in not being questioned on the ,english language1 which ,i did not know a single word of4 ,the company were all very agreeable2 we looked forward to the moment of separation with regret1 and therefore made snails' journeys4 ,we arrived one ,sunday at ,st4 ,marcelein's2 ,madam de ,larnage would go to mass2 ,i accompanied her1 and had nearly ruined all my affairs1 for by my modest reserved countenance during the service1 she concluded me a bigot1 and conceived a very indifferent opinion of me1 as ,i learned from her own account two days after4 ,it required a great deal of gallantry on my part to efface this ill impression1 or rather ,madam de ,larnage 7who was not easily disheartened7 determined to risk the first advances1 and see how ,i should behave4 ,she made several1 but far from being presuming on my figure1 ,i thought she was making sport of me3 full of this ridiculous idea there was no folly ,i was not guilty of4 ,madam de ,larnage persisted in such caressing behavior1 that a much wiser man than myself could hardly have taken it seriously4 ,the more obvious her advances were1 the more ,i was confirmed in my mistake1 and what increased my torment1 ,i found ,i was really in love with her4 ,i frequently said to myself1 and sometimes to her1 sighing1 ,ah6 why is not all this real8 then should ,i be the most fortunate of men4 ,i am inclined to think my stupidity did but increase her resolution1 and make her determined to get the better of it4 ,we left ,madam du ,colombier at ,romans2 after which ,madam de ,larnage1 the ,marquis de ,torignan1 and myself continued our route slowly1 and in the most agreeable manner4 ,the marquis1 though indisposed1 and rather ill-humored1 was an agreeable companion1 but was not best pleased at seeing the lady bestow all her attentions on me1 while he passed unregarded2 for ,madam de ,larnage took so little care to conceal her inclination1 that he perceived it sooner than ,i did1 and his sarcasms must have given me that confidence ,i could not presume to take from the kindness of the lady1 if by a surmise1 which no one but myself could have blundered on1 ,i had not imagined they perfectly understood each other1 and were agreed to turn my passion into ridicule4 ,this foolish idea completed my stupidity1 making me act the most ridiculous part1 while1 had ,i listened to the feelings of my heart1 ,i might have been performing one far more brilliant4 ,i am astonished that ,madam de ,larnage was not disgusted at my folly1 and did not discard me with disdain2 but she plainly perceived there was more bashfulness than indifference in my composition4 ,we arrived at ,valence to dinner1 and according to our usual custom passed the remainder of the day there4 ,we lodged out of the city1 at the ,st4 ,james1 an inn ,i shall never forget4 ,after dinner1 ,madam de ,larnage proposed a walk2 she knew the marquis was no walker1 consequently1 this was an excellent plan for a tete-a-tete1 which she was predetermined to make the most of4 ,while we were walking round the city by the side of the moats1 ,i entered on a long history of my complaint1 to which she answered in so tender an accent1 frequently pressing my arm1 which she held to her heart1 that it required all my stupidity not to be convinced of the sincerity of her attachment4 ,i have already observed that she was amiable2 love rendered her charming1 adding all the loveliness of youth3 and she managed her advances with so much art1 that they were sufficient to have seduced the most insensible3 ,i was1 therefore1 in very uneasy circumstances1 and frequently on the point of making a declaration2 but the dread of offending her1 and the still greater of being laughed at1 ridiculed1 made table-talk1 and complimented on my enterprise by the satirical marquis1 had such unconquerable power over me1 that1 though ashamed of my ridiculous bashfulness1 ,i could not take courage to surmount it4 ,i had ended the history of my complaints1 which ,i felt the ridiculousness of at this time2 and not knowing how to look1 or what to say1 continued silent1 giving the finest opportunity in the world for that ridicule ,i so much dreaded4 ,happily1 ,madam de ,larnage took a more favorable resolution1 and suddenly interrupted this silence by throwing her arms round my neck1 while1 at the same instant1 her lips spoke too plainly on mine to be any longer misunderstood4 ,this was reposing that confidence in me the want of which has almost always prevented me from appearing myself3 for once ,i was at ease1 my heart1 eyes and tongue1 spoke freely what ,i felt2 never did ,i make better reparation for my mistakes1 and if this little conquest had cost ,madam de ,larnage some difficulties1 ,i have reason to believe she did not regret them4 ,was ,i to live a hundred years1 ,i should never forget this charming woman4 ,i say charming1 for though neither young nor beautiful1 she was neither old nor ugly1 having nothing in her appearance that could prevent her wit and accomplishments from producing all their effects4 ,it was possible to see her without falling in love1 but those she favored could not fail to adore her2 which proves1 in my opinion1 that she was not generally so prodigal of her favors4 ,it is true1 her inclination for me was so sudden and lively1 that it scarce appears excusable2 though from the short1 but charming interval ,i passed with her1 ,i have reason to think her heart was more influenced than her passions4 ,our good intelligence did not escape the penetration of the marquis2 not that he discontinued his usual raillery2 on the contrary1 he treated me as a sighing1 hopeless swain1 languishing under the rigors of his mistress2 not a word1 smile1 or look escaped him by which ,i could imagine he suspected my happiness2 and ,i should have thought him completely deceived1 had not ,madam de ,larnage1 who was more clear-sighted than myself1 assured me of the contrary2 but he was a well-bred man1 and it was impossible to behave with more attention or greater civility1 than he constantly paid me 7notwithstanding his satirical sallies71 especially after my success1 which1 as he was unacquainted with my stupidity1 he perhaps gave me the honor of achieving4 ,it has already been seen that he was mistaken in this particular2 but no matter1 ,i profited by his error1 for being conscious that the laugh was on my side1 ,i took all his sallies in good part1 and sometimes parried them with tolerable success2 for1 proud of the reputation of wit which ,madam de ,larnage had thought fit to discover in me1 ,i no longer appeared the same man4 ,we were both in a country and season of plenty1 and had everywhere excellent cheer1 thanks to the good cares of the marquis2 though ,i would willingly have relinquished this advantage to have been more satisfied with the situation of our chambers2 but he always sent his footman on to provide them2 and whether of his own accord1 or by the order of his master1 the rogue always took care that the marquis' chamber should be close by ,madam de ,larnage's1 while mine was at the further end of the house3 but that made no great difference1 or perhaps it rendered our rendezvous the more charming2 this happiness lasted four or five days1 during which time ,i was intoxicated with delight1 which ,i tasted pure and serene without any alloy2 an advantage ,i could never boast before2 and1 ,i may add1 it is owing to ,madam de ,larnage that ,i did not go out of the world without having tasted real pleasure4 ,if the sentiment ,i felt for her was not precisely love1 it was at least a very tender return of what she testified for me2 our meetings were so delightful1 that they possessed all the sweets of love2 without that kind of delirium which affects the brain1 and even tends to diminish our happiness4 ,i never experienced true love but once in my life1 and that was not with ,madam de ,larnage1 neither did ,i feel that affection for her which ,i had been sensible of1 and yet continued to possess1 for ,madam de ,warrens2 but for this very reason1 our tete-a-tetes were a hundred times more delightful4 ,when with ,madam de ,warrens1 my felicity was always disturbed by a secret sadness1 a compunction of heart1 which ,i found it impossible to surmount4 ,instead of being delighted at the acquisition of so much happiness1 ,i could not help reproaching myself for contributing to render her ,i loved unworthy3 on the contrary1 with ,madam de ,lamage1 ,i was proud of my happiness1 and gave in to it without repugnance1 while my triumph redoubled every other charm4 ,i do not recollect exactly where we quitted the marquis1 who resided in this country1 but ,i know we were alone on our arrival at ,montelimar1 where ,madam de ,larnage made her chambermaid get into my chaise1 and accommodate me with a seat in hers4 ,it will easily be believed1 that travelling in this manner was by no means displeasing to me1 and that ,i should be very much puzzled to give any account of the country we passed through4 ,she had some business at ,montelimar1 which detained her there two or three days2 during this time she quitted me but one quarter of an hour1 for a visit she could not avoid1 which embarrassed her with a number of invitations she had no inclination to accept1 and therefore excused herself by pleading some indisposition2 though she took care this should not prevent our walking together every day1 in the most charming country1 and under the finest sky imaginable4 ,oh6 these three days6 what reason have ,i to regret them6 ,never did such happiness return again4 ,the amours of a journey cannot be very durable3 it was necessary we should part1 and ,i must confess it was almost time2 not that ,i was weary of my happiness1 but ,i might as well have been4 ,we endeavored to comfort each other for the pain of parting1 by forming plans for our reunion2 and it was concluded1 that after staying five or six weeks at ,montpelier 7which would give ,madam de ,larnage time to prepare for my reception in such a manner as to prevent scandal7 ,i should return to ,saint-,andiol1 and spend the winter under her direction4 ,she gave me ample instruction on what it was necessary ,i should know1 on what it would be proper to say2 and how ,i should conduct myself4 ,she spoke much and earnestly on the care of my health1 conjured me to consult skilful physicians1 and be attentive and exact in following their prescriptions whatever they might happen to be4 ,i believe her concern was sincere1 for she loved me1 and gave proofs of her affection less equivocal than the prodigality of her favors2 for judging by my mode of travelling1 that ,i was not in very affluent circumstances 7though not rich herself71 on our parting1 she would have had me share the contents of her purse1 which she had brought pretty well furnished from ,grenoble1 and it was with great difficulty ,i could make her put up with a denial4 ,in a word1 we parted2 my heart full of her idea1 and leaving in hers 7if ,i am not mistaken7 a firm attachment to me4 ,while pursuing the remainder of my journey1 remembrance ran over everything that had passed from the commencement of it1 and ,i was well satisfied at finding myself alone in a comfortable chaise1 where ,i could ruminate at ease on the pleasures ,i had enjoyed1 and those which awaited my return4 ,i only thought of ,saint-,andiol2 of the life ,i was to lead there2 ,i saw nothing but ,madam de ,larnage1 or what related to her2 the whole universe besides was nothing to me--even ,madam de ,warrens was forgotten6--,i set about combining all the details by which ,madam de ,larnage had endeavored to give me in advance an idea of her house1 of the neighborhood1 of her connections1 and manner of life1 finding everything charming4 ,she had a daughter1 whom she had often described in the warmest terms of maternal affection3 this daughter was fifteen lively1 charming1 and of an amiable disposition4 ,madam de ,larnage promised me her friendship2 ,i had not forgotten that promise1 and was curious to know how ,mademoiselle de ,larnage would treat her mother's 'bon ami'4 ,these were the subjects of my reveries from the bridge of ,st4 ,esprit to ,remoulin3 ,i had been advised to visit the ,pont-du-,gard2 hitherto ,i had seen none of the remaining monuments of ,roman magnificence1 and ,i expected to find this worthy the hands by which it was constructed2 for once1 the reality surpassed my expectation2 this was the only time in my life it ever did so1 and the ,romans alone could have produced that effect4 ,the view of this noble and sublime work1 struck me the more forcibly1 from being in the midst of a desert1 where silence and solitude render the majestic edifice more striking1 and admiration more lively1 for though called a bridge it is nothing more than an aqueduct4 ,one cannot help exclaiming1 what strength could have transported these enormous stones so far from any quarry8 ,and what motive could have united the labors of so many millions of men1 in a place that no one inhabited8 ,i remained here whole hours1 in the most ravishing contemplation1 and returned pensive and thoughtful to my inn4 ,this reverie was by no means favorable to ,madam de ,larnage2 she had taken care to forewarn me against the girls of ,montpelier1 but not against the ,pont-du-,gard--it is impossible to provide for every contingency4 ,on my arrival at ,nismes1 ,i went to see the amphitheatre1 which is a far more magnificent work than even the ,pont-du-,gard1 yet it made a much less impression on me1 perhaps1 because my admiration had been already exhausted on the former object2 or that the situation of the latter1 in the midst of a city1 was less proper to excite it4 ,this vast and superb circus is surrounded by small dirty houses1 while yet smaller and dirtier fill up the area1 in such a manner that the whole produces an unequal and confused effect1 in which regret and indignation stifle pleasure and surprise4 ,the amphitheatre at ,verona is a vast deal smaller1 and less beautiful than that at ,nismes1 but preserved with all possible care and neatness1 by which means alone it made a much stronger and more agreeable impression on me4 ,the ,french pay no regard to these things1 respect no monument of antiquity2 ever eager to undertake1 they never finish1 nor preserve anything that is already finished to their hands4 ,i was so much better1 and had gained such an appetite by exercise1 that ,i stopped a whole day at ,pont-du-,lunel1 for the sake of good entertainment and company1 this being deservedly esteemed at that time the best inn in ,europe2 for those who kept it1 knowing how to make its fortunate situation turn to advantage1 took care to provide both abundance and variety4 ,it was really curious to find in a lonely country-house1 a table every day furnished with sea and fresh-water fish1 excellent game1 and choice wines1 served up with all the attention and care1 which are only to be expected among the great or opulent1 and all this for thirty five sous each person3 but the ,pont-du-,lunel did not long remain on this footing1 for the proprietor1 presuming too much on its reputation1 at length lost it entirely4 ,during this journey1 ,i really forgot my complaints1 but recollected them again on my arrival at ,montpelier4 ,my vapors were absolutely gone1 but every other complaint remained1 and though custom had rendered them less troublesome1 they were still sufficient to make any one who had been suddenly seized with them1 suppose himself attacked by some mortal disease4 ,in effect they were rather alarming than painful1 and made the mind suffer more than the body1 though it apparently threatened the latter with destruction4 ,while my attention was called off by the vivacity of my passions1 ,i paid no attention to my health2 but as my complaints were not altogether imaginary1 ,i thought of them seriously when the tumult had subsided4 ,recollecting the salutary advice of ,madam de ,larnage1 and the cause of my journey1 ,i consulted the most famous practitioners1 particularly ,monsieur ,fizes2 and through superabundance of precaution boarded at a doctor's who was an ,irishman1 and named ,fitz-,morris4 ,this person boarded a number of young gentlemen who were studying physic2 and what rendered his house very commodious for an invalid1 he contented himself with a moderate pension for provisions1 lodging1 etc41 and took nothing of his boarders for attendance as a physician4 ,he even undertook to execute the orders of ,m4 ,fizes1 and endeavored to re-establish my health4 ,he certainly acquitted himself very well in this employment2 as to regimen1 indigestions were not to be gained at his table2 and though ,i am not much hurt at privations of that kind1 the objects of comparison were so near1 that ,i could not help thinking with myself sometimes1 that ,m4 de ,torignan was a much better provider than ,m4 ,fitz-,morris2 notwithstanding1 as there was no danger of1 dying with hunger1 and all the youths were gay and good-humored1 ,i believe this manner of living was really serviceable1 and prevented my falling into those languors ,i had latterly been so subject to4 ,i passed the morning in taking medicines1 particularly1 ,i know not what kind of waters1 but believe they were those of ,vals1 and in writing to ,madam de ,larnage3 for the correspondence was regularly kept up1 and ,rousseau kindly undertook to receive these letters for his good friend ,dudding4 ,at noon ,i took a walk to the ,canourgue1 with some of our young boarders1 who were all very good lads2 after this we assembled for dinner2 when this was over1 an affair of importance employed the greater part of us till night2 this was going a little way out of town to take our afternoon's collation1 and make up two or three parties at mall1 or mallet4 ,as ,i had neither strength nor skill1 ,i did not play myself but ,i betted on the game1 and1 interested for the success of my wager1 followed the players and their balls over rough and stony roads1 procuring by this means both an agreeable and salutary exercise4 ,we took our afternoon's refreshment at an inn out of the city4 ,i need not observe that these meetings were extremely merry1 but should not omit that they were equally innocent1 though the girls of the house were very pretty4 ,m4 ,fitz-,morris 7who was a great mall player himself7 was our president2 and ,i must observe1 notwithstanding the imputation of wildness that is generally bestowed on students1 that ,i found more virtuous dispositions among these youths than could easily be found among an equal number of men3 they were rather noisy than fond of wine1 and more merry than libertine4 ,i accustomed myself so much to this mode of life1 and it accorded so entirely with my humor1 that ,i should have been very well content with a continuance of it4 ,several of my fellow-boarders were ,irish1 from whom ,i endeavored to learn some ,english words1 as a precaution for ,saint-,andiol4 ,the time now drew near for my departure2 every letter ,madam de ,larnage wrote1 she entreated me not to delay it1 and at length ,i prepared to obey her4 ,i was convinced that the physicians 7who understood nothing of my disorder7 looked on my complaint as imaginary1 and treated me accordingly1 with their waters and whey4 ,in this respect physicians and philosophers differ widely from theologians2 admitting the truth only of what they can explain1 and making their knowledge the measure of possibilities4 ,these gentlemen understood nothing of my illness1 therefore concluded ,i could not be ill2 and who would presume to doubt the profound skill of a physician8 ,i plainly saw they only meant to amuse1 and make me swallow my money2 and judging their substitute at ,saint-,andiol would do me quite as much service1 and be infinitely more agreeable1 ,i resolved to give her the preference2 full1 therefore1 of this wise resolution1 ,i quitted ,montpelier4 ,i set off towards the end of ,november1 after a stay of six weeks or two months in that city1 where ,i left a dozen louis1 without either my health or understanding being the better for it1 except from a short course of anatomy begun under ,m4 ,fitz-,morris1 which ,i was soon obliged to abandon1 from the horrid stench of the bodies he dissected1 which ,i found it impossible to endure4 ,not thoroughly satisfied in my own mind on the rectitude of this expedition1 as ,i advanced towards the ,bridge of ,st4 ,esprit 7which was equally the road to ,saint-,andiol and to ,chambery7 ,i began to reflect on ,madam de ,warrens1 the remembrance of whose letters1 though less frequent than those from ,madam de ,larnage1 awakened in my heart a remorse that passion had stifled in the first part of my journey1 but which became so lively on my return1 that1 setting just estimate on the love of pleasure1 ,i found myself in such a situation of mind that ,i could listen wholly to the voice of reason4 ,besides1 in continuing to act the part of an adventurer1 ,i might be less fortunate than ,i had been in the beginning2 for it was only necessary that in all ,saint-,andiol there should be one person who had been in ,england1 or who knew the ,english or anything of their language1 to prove me an impostor4 ,the family of ,madam de ,larnage might not be pleased with me1 and would1 perhaps1 treat me unpolitely2 her daughter too made me uneasy1 for1 spite of myself1 ,i thought more of her than was necessary4 ,i trembled lest ,i should fall in love with this girl1 and that very fear had already half done the business4 ,was ,i going1 in return for the mother's kindness1 to seek the ruin of the daughter8 ,to sow dissension1 dishonor1 scandal1 and hell itself1 in her family8 ,the very idea struck me with horror1 and ,i took the firmest resolution to combat and vanquish this unhappy attachment1 should ,i be so unfortunate as to experience it4 ,but why expose myself to this danger8 ,how miserable must the situation be to live with the mother1 whom ,i should be weary of1 and sigh for the daughter1 without daring to make known my affection6 ,what necessity was there to seek this situation1 and expose myself to misfortunes1 affronts and remorse1 for the sake of pleasures whose greatest charm was already exhausted8 ,for ,i was sensible this attachment had lost its first vivacity4 ,with these thoughts were mingled reflections relative to my situation and duty to that good and generous friend1 who already loaded with debts1 would become more so from the foolish expenses ,i was running into1 and whom ,i was deceiving so unworthily4 ,this reproach at length became so keen that it triumphed over every temptation1 and on approaching the bridge of ,st4 ,esprit ,i formed the resolution to burn my whole magazine of letters from ,saint-,andiol1 and continue my journey right forward to ,chambery4 ,i executed this resolution courageously1 with some sighs ,i confess1 but with the heart-felt satisfaction1 which ,i enjoyed for the first time in my life1 of saying1 ,i merit my own esteem1 and know how to prefer duty to pleasure4 ,this was the first real obligation ,i owed my books1 since these had taught me to reflect and compare4 ,after the virtuous principles ,i had so lately adopted1 after all the rules of wisdom and honor ,i had proposed to myself1 and felt so proud to follow1 the shame of possessing so little stability1 and contradicting so egregiously my own maxims1 triumphed over the allurements of pleasure4 ,perhaps1 after all1 pride had as much share in my resolution as virtue2 but if this pride is not virtue itself1 its effects are so similar that we are pardonable in deceiving ourselves4 ,one advantage resulting from good actions is that they elevate the soul to a disposition of attempting still better2 for such is human weakness1 that we must place among our good deeds an abstinence from those crimes we are tempted to commit4 ,no sooner was my resolution confirmed than ,i became another man1 or rather1 ,i became what ,i was before ,i had erred1 and saw in its true colors what the intoxication of the moment had either concealed or disguised4 ,full of worthy sentiments and wise resolutions1 ,i continued my journey1 intending to regulate my future conduct by the laws of virtue1 and dedicate myself without reserve to that best of friends1 to whom ,i vowed as much fidelity in future as ,i felt real attachment4 ,the sincerity of this return to virtue appeared to promise a better destiny2 but mine1 alas6 was fixed1 and already begun3 even at the very moment when my heart1 full of good and virtuous sentiments1 was contemplating only innocence and happiness through life1 ,i touched on the fatal period that was to draw after it the long chain of my misfortunes6 ,my impatience to arrive at ,chambery had made me use more diligence than ,i meant to do4 ,i had sent a letter from ,valence1 mentioning the day and hour ,i should arrive1 but ,i had gained half a day on this calculation1 which time ,i passed at ,chaparillan1 that ,i might arrive exactly at the time ,i mentioned4 ,i wished to enjoy to its full extent the pleasure of seeing her1 and preferred deferring this happiness a little1 that expectancy might increase the value of it4 ,this precaution had always succeeded2 hitherto my arrival had caused a little holiday2 ,i expected no less this time1 and these preparations1 so dear to me1 would have been well worth the trouble of contriving them4 ,i arrived then exactly at the hour1 and while at a considerable distance1 looked forward with an expectancy of seeing her on the road to meet me4 ,the beating of my heart increased as ,i drew near the house2 at length ,i arrived1 quite out of breath2 for ,i had left my chaise in the town4 ,i see no one in the garden1 at the door1 or at the windows2 ,i am seized with terror1 fearful that some accident has happened4 ,i enter2 all is quiet2 the laborers are eating their luncheon in the kitchen1 and far from observing any preparation1 the servants seem surprised to see me1 not knowing ,i was expected4 ,i go up--stairs1 at length see her6--that dear friend6 so tenderly1 truly1 and entirely beloved4 ,i instantly ran towards her1 and threw myself at her feet4 ,ah6 child6 said she1 art thou returned then6 embracing me at the same time4 ,have you had a good journey8 ,how do you do8 ,this reception amused me for some moments4 ,i then asked1 whether she had received my letter8 she answered ,yes4--,i should have thought not1 replied ,i2 and the information concluded there4 ,a young man was with her at this time4 ,i recollected having seen him in the house before my departure1 but at present he seemed established there2 in short1 he was so2 ,i found my place already supplied6 ,this young man came from the country of ,vaud2 his father1 named ,vintzenried1 was keeper of the prison1 or1 as he expressed himself1 ,captain of the ,castle of ,chillon4 ,this son of the captain was a journeyman peruke-maker1 and gained his living in that capacity when he first presented himself to ,madam de ,warrens1 who received him kindly1 as she did all comers1 particularly those from her own country4 ,he was a tall1 fair1 silly youth2 well enough made1 with an unmeaning face1 and a mind of the same description1 speaking always like the beau in a comedy1 and mingling the manners and customs of his former situation with a long history of his gallantry and success2 naming1 according to his account1 not above half the marchionesses who had favored him and pretending never to have dressed the head of a pretty woman1 without having likewise decorated her husband's2 vain1 foolish1 ignorant and insolent2 such was the worthy substitute taken in my absence1 and the companion offered me on my return6 ,o6 if souls disengaged from their terrestrial bonds1 yet view from the bosom of eternal light what passes here below1 pardon1 dear and respectable shade1 that ,i show no more favor to your failings than my own1 but equally unveil both4 ,i ought and will be just to you as to myself2 but how much less will you lose by this resolution than ,i shall6 ,how much do your amiable and gentle disposition1 your inexhaustible goodness of heart1 your frankness and other amiable virtues1 compensate for your foibles1 if a subversion of reason alone can be called such4 ,you had errors1 but not vices2 your conduct was reprehensible1 but your heart was ever pure4 ,the new-comer had shown himself zealous and exact in all her little commissions1 which were ever numerous1 and he diligently overlooked the laborers4 ,as noisy and insolent as ,i was quiet and forbearing1 he was seen or rather heard at the plough1 in the hay-loft1 wood-house1 stable1 farm-yard1 at the same instant4 ,he neglected the gardening1 this labor being too peaceful and moderate2 his chief pleasure was to load or drive the cart1 to saw or cleave wood2 he was never seen without a hatchet or pick-axe in his hand1 running1 knocking and hallooing with all his might4 ,i know not how many men's labor he performed1 but he certainly made noise enough for ten or a dozen at least4 ,all this bustle imposed on poor ,madam de ,warrens2 she thought this young man a treasure1 and1 willing to attach him to herself1 employed the means she imagined necessary for that purpose1 not forgetting what she most depended on1 the surrender of her person4 ,those who have thus far read this work should be able to form some judgment of my heart2 its sentiments were the most constant and sincere1 particularly those which had brought me back to ,chambery2 what a sudden and complete overthrow was this to my whole being6 but to judge fully of this1 the reader must place himself for a moment in my situation4 ,i saw all the future felicity ,i had promised myself vanish in a moment2 all the charming ideas ,i had indulged so affectionately1 disappear entirely2 and ,i1 who even from childhood had not been able to consider my existence for a moment as separate from hers1 for the first time saw myself utterly alone4 ,this moment was dreadful1 and those that succeeded it were ever gloomy4 ,i was yet young1 but the pleasing sentiments of enjoyment and hope1 which enliven youth1 were extinguished4 ,from that hour my existence seemed half annihilated4 ,i contemplated in advance the melancholy remains of an insipid life1 and if at any time an image of happiness glanced through my mind1 it was not that which appeared natural to me1 and ,i felt that even should ,i obtain it ,i must still be wretched4 ,i was so dull of apprehension1 and my confidence in her was so great1 that1 notwithstanding the familiar tone of the new-comer1 which ,i looked on as an effect of the easy disposition of ,madam de ,warrens1 which rendered her free with everyone1 ,i never should have suspected his real situation had not she herself informed me of it2 but she hastened to make this avowal with a freedom calculated to inflame me with resentment1 could my heart have turned to that point4 ,speaking of this connection as quite immaterial with respect to herself1 she reproached me with negligence in the care of the family1 and mentioned my frequent absence1 as though she had been in haste to supply my place4 ,ah6 said ,i1 my heart bursting with the most poignant grief1 what do you dare to inform me of8 ,is this the reward of an attachment like mine8 ,have you so many times preserved my life1 for the sole purpose of taking from me all that could render it desirable8 ,your infidelity will bring me to the grave1 but you will regret my loss6 ,she answered with a tranquillity sufficient to distract me1 that ,i talked like a child2 that people did not die from such slight causes2 that our friendship need be no less sincere1 nor we any less intimate1 for that her tender attachment to me could neither diminish nor end but with herself2 in a word she gave me to understand that my happiness need not suffer any decrease from the good fortune of this new favorite4 ,never did the purity1 truth and force of my attachment to her appear more evident2 never did ,i feel the sincerity and honesty of my soul more forcibly1 than at that moment4 ,i threw myself at her feet1 embracing her knees with torrents of tears4 ,no1 madam1 replied ,i1 with the most violent agitation1 ,i love you too much to disgrace you thus far1 and too truly to share you2 the regret that accompanied the first acquisition of your favors has continued to increase with my affection4 ,i cannot preserve them by so violent an augmentation of it4 ,you shall ever have my adoration3 be worthy of it2 to me that is more necessary than all you can bestow4 ,it is to you1 ,o my dearest friend6 that ,i resign my rights2 it is to the union of our hearts that ,i sacrifice my pleasure2 rather would ,i perish a thousand times than thus degrade her ,i love4 ,i preserved this resolution with a constancy worthy1 ,i may say1 of the sentiment that gave it birth4 ,from this moment ,i saw this beloved woman but with the eyes of a real son4 ,it should be remarked here1 that this resolve did not meet her private approbation1 as ,i too well perceived2 yet she never employed the least art to make me renounce it either by insinuating proposals1 caresses1 or any of those means which women so well know how to employ without exposing themselves to violent censure1 and which seldom fail to succeed4 ,reduced to seek a fate independent of hers1 and not able to devise one1 ,i passed to the other extreme1 placing my happiness so absolutely in her1 that ,i became almost regardless of myself4 ,the ardent desire to see her happy1 at any rate1 absorbed all my affections2 it was in vain she endeavored to separate her felicity from mine1 ,i felt ,i had a part in it1 spite of every impediment4 ,thus those virtues whose seeds in my heart begun to spring up with my misfortunes3 they had been cultivated by study1 and only waited the fermentation of adversity to become prolific4 ,the first-fruit of this disinterested disposition was to put from my heart every sentiment of hatred and envy against him who had supplanted me4 ,i even sincerely wished to attach myself to this young man2 to form and educate him2 to make him sensible of his happiness1 and1 if possible1 render him worthy of it2 in a word1 to do for him what ,anet had formerly done for me4 ,but the similarity of dispositions was wanting4 ,more insinuating and enlightened than ,anet1 ,i possessed neither his coolness1 fortitude1 nor commanding strength of character1 which ,i must have had in order to succeed4 ,neither did the young man possess those qualities which ,anet found in me2 such as gentleness1 gratitude1 and above all1 the knowledge of a want of his instructions1 and an ardent desire to render them useful4 ,all these were wanting2 the person ,i wished to improve1 saw in me nothing but an importunate1 chattering pedant3 while on the contrary he admired his own importance in the house1 measuring the services he thought he rendered by the noise he made1 and looking on his saws1 hatchets1 and pick-axes1 as infinitely more useful than all my old books3 and1 perhaps1 in this particular1 he might not be altogether blamable2 but he gave himself a number of airs sufficient to make anyone die with laughter4 ,with the peasants he assumed the airs of a country gentleman2 presently he did as much with me1 and at length with ,madam de ,warrens herself4 ,his name1 ,vintzenried1 did not appear noble enough1 he therefore changed it to that of ,monsieur de ,courtilles1 and by the latter appellation he was known at ,chambery1 and in ,maurienne1 where he married4 ,at length this illustrious personage gave himself such airs of consequence1 that he was everything in the house1 and myself nothing4 ,when ,i had the misfortune to displease him1 he scolded ,madam de ,warrens1 and a fear of exposing her to his brutality rendered me subservient to all his whims1 so that every time he cleaved wood 7an office which he performed with singular pride7 it was necessary ,i should be an idle spectator and admirer of his prowess4 ,this lad was not1 however1 of a bad disposition2 he loved ,madam de ,warrens1 indeed it was impossible to do otherwise2 nor had he any aversion even to me1 and when he happened to be out of his airs would listen to our admonitions1 and frankly own he was a fool2 yet notwithstanding these acknowledgements his follies continued in the same proportion4 ,his knowledge was so contracted1 and his inclinations so mean1 that it was useless to reason1 and almost impossible to be pleased with him4 ,not content with a most charming woman1 he amused himself with an old red-haired1 toothless waiting-maid1 whose unwelcome service ,madam de ,warrens had the patience to endure1 though it was absolutely disgusting4 ,i soon perceived this new inclination1 and was exasperated at it2 but ,i saw something else1 which affected me yet more1 and made a deeper impression on me than anything had hitherto done2 this was a visible coldness in the behavior of ,madam de ,warrens towards me4 ,the privation ,i had imposed on myself1 and which she affected to approve1 is one of those affronts which women scarcely ever forgive4 ,take the most sensible2 the most philosophic female1 one the least attached to pleasure1 and slighting her favors1 if within your reach1 will be found the most unpardonable crime1 even though she may care nothing for the man4 ,this rule is certainly without exception2 since a sympathy so natural and ardent was impaired in her1 by an abstinence founded only on virtue1 attachment and esteem1 ,i no longer found with her that union of hearts which constituted all the happiness of mine2 she seldom sought me but when we had occasion to complain of this new-comer1 for when they were agreed1 ,i enjoyed but little of her confidence1 and1 at length1 was scarcely ever consulted in her affairs4 ,she seemed pleased1 indeed1 with my company1 but had ,i passed whole days without seeing her she would hardly have missed me4 ,insensibly1 ,i found myself desolate and alone in that house where ,i had formerly been the very soul2 where1 if ,i may so express myself1 ,i had enjoyed a double life1 and by degrees1 ,i accustomed myself to disregard everything that1 passed1 and even those who dwelt there4 ,to avoid continual mortifications1 ,i shut myself up with my books1 or else wept and sighed unnoticed in the woods4 ,this life soon became insupportable2 ,i felt that the presence of a woman so dear to me1 while estranged from her heart1 increased my unhappiness1 and was persuaded1 that1 ceasing to see her1 ,i should feel myself less cruelly separated4 ,i resolved1 therefore1 to quit the house1 mentioned it to her1 and she1 far from opposing my resolution1 approved it4 ,she had an acquaintance at ,grenoble1 called ,madam de ,deybens1 whose husband was on terms of friendship with ,monsieur ,malby1 chief ,provost of ,lyons4 ,m4 ,deybens proposed my educating ,m4 ,malby's children2 ,i accepted this offer1 and departed for ,lyons without causing1 and almost without feeling1 the least regret at a separation1 the bare idea of which1 a few months before1 would have given us both the most excruciating torments4 ,i had almost as much knowledge as was necessary for a tutor1 and flattered myself that my method would be unexceptionable2 but the year ,i passed at ,m4 ,malby's was sufficient to undeceive me in that particular4 ,the natural gentleness of my disposition seemed calculated for the employment1 if hastiness had not been mingled with it4 ,while things went favorably1 and ,i saw the pains 7which ,i did not spare7 succeed1 ,i was an angel2 but a devil when they went contrary4 ,if my pupils did not understand me1 ,i was hasty1 and when they showed any symptoms of an untoward disposition1 ,i was so provoked that ,i could have killed them2 which behavior was not likely to render them either good or wise4 ,i had two under my care1 and they were of very different tempers4 ,st4 ,marie1 who was between eight and nine years old1 had a good person and quick apprehension1 was giddy1 lively1 playful and mischievous2 but his mischief was ever good-humored4 ,the younger one1 named ,condillac1 appeared stupid and fretful1 was headstrong as a mule1 and seemed incapable of instruction4 ,it may be supposed that between both ,i did not want employment1 yet with patience and temper ,i might have succeeded2 but wanting both1 ,i did nothing worth mentioning1 and my pupils profited very little4 ,i could only make use of three means1 which are very weak1 and often pernicious with children2 namely1 sentiment1 reasoning1 passion4 ,i sometimes exerted myself so much with ,st4 ,marie1 that ,i could not refrain from tears1 and wished to excite similar sensations in him2 as if it was reasonable to suppose a child could be susceptible to such emotions4 ,sometimes ,i exhausted myself in reasoning1 as if persuaded he could comprehend me2 and as he frequently formed very subtle arguments1 concluded he must be reasonable1 because he bid fair to be so good a logician4 ,the little ,condillac was still more embarrassing2 for he neither understood1 answered1 nor was concerned at anything2 he was of an obstinacy beyond belief1 and was never happier than when he had succeeded in putting me in a rage2 then1 indeed1 he was the philosopher1 and ,i the child4 ,i was conscious of all my faults1 studied the tempers of my pupils1 and became acquainted with them2 but where was the use of seeing the evil1 without being able to apply a remedy8 ,my penetration was unavailing1 since it never prevented any mischief2 and everything ,i undertook failed1 because all ,i did to effect my designs was precisely what ,i ought not to have done4 ,i was not more fortunate in what had only reference to myself1 than in what concerned my pupils4 ,madam ,deybens1 in recommending me to her friend ,madam de ,malby1 had requested her to form my manners1 and endeavor to give me an air of the world4 ,she took some pains on this account1 wishing to teach me how to do the honors of the house2 but ,i was so awkward1 bashful1 and stupid1 that she found it necessary to stop there4 ,this1 however1 did not prevent me from falling in love with her1 according to my usual custom2 ,i even behaved in such a manner1 that she could not avoid observing it2 but ,i never durst declare my passion2 and as the lady never seemed in a humor to make advances1 ,i soon became weary of my sighs and ogling1 being convinced they answered no manner of purpose4 ,i had quite lost my inclination for little thieveries while with ,madam de ,warrens2 indeed1 as everything belonged to me1 there was nothing to steal2 besides1 the elevated notions ,i had imbibed ought to have rendered me in future above such meanness1 and generally speaking they certainly did so2 but this rather proceeded from my having learned to conquer temptations1 than having succeeded in rooting out the propensity1 and ,i should even now greatly dread stealing1 as in my infancy1 were ,i yet subject to the same inclinations4 ,i had a proof of this at ,m4 ,malby's1 when1 though surrounded by a number of little things that ,i could easily have pilfered1 and which appeared no temptation1 ,i took it into my head to covert some white ,arbois wine1 some glasses of which ,i had drank at table1 and thought delicious4 ,it happened to be rather thick1 and as ,i fancied myself an excellent finer of wine1 ,i mentioned my skill1 and this was accordingly trusted to my care1 but in attempting to mend1 ,i spoiled it1 though to the sight only1 for it remained equally agreeable to the taste4 ,profiting by this opportunity1 ,i furnished myself from time to time with a few bottles to drink in my own apartment2 but unluckily1 ,i could never drink without eating2 the difficulty lay therefore1 in procuring bread4 ,it was impossible to make a reserve of this article1 and to have it brought by the footman was discovering myself1 and insulting the master of the house2 ,i could not bear to purchase it myself2 how could a fine gentleman1 with a sword at his side1 enter a baker's shop to buy a small loaf of bread8 it was utterly impossible4 ,at length ,i recollected the thoughtless saying of a great princess1 who1 on being informed that the country people had no bread1 replied1 ,then let them eat pastry6 ,yet even this resource was attended with a difficulty4 ,i sometimes went out alone for this very purpose1 running over the whole city1 and passing thirty pastry cook's shops1 without daring to enter any one of them4 ,in the first place1 it was necessary there should be only one person in the shop1 and that person's physiognomy must be so encouraging as to give me confidence to pass the threshold2 but when once the dear little cake was procured1 and ,i shut up in my chamber with that and a bottle of wine1 taken cautiously from the bottom of a cupboard1 how much did ,i enjoy drinking my wine1 and reading a few pages of a novel2 for when ,i have no company ,i always wish to read while eating2 it seems a substitute for society1 and ,i dispatch alternately a page and a morsel2 'tis indeed1 as if my book dined with me4 ,i was neither dissolute nor sottish1 never in my whole life having been intoxicated with liquor2 my little thefts were not very indiscreet1 yet they were discovered2 the bottles betrayed me1 and though no notice was taken of it1 ,i had no longer the management of the cellar4 ,in all this ,monsieur ,malby conducted himself with prudence and politeness1 being really a very deserving man1 who1 under a manner as harsh as his employment1 concealed a real gentleness of disposition and uncommon goodness of heart3 he was judicious1 equitable1 and 7what would not be expected from an officer of the ,marechausse7 very humane4 ,sensible of his indulgence1 ,i became greatly attached to him1 which made my stay at ,lyons longer than it would otherwise have been2 but at length1 disgusted with an employment which ,i was not calculated for1 and a situation of great confinement1 consequently disagreeable to me1 after a year's trial1 during which time ,i spared no pains to fulfill my engagement1 ,i determined to quit my pupils2 being convinced ,i should never succeed in educating them properly4 ,monsieur ,malby saw this as clearly as myself1 though ,i am inclined to think he would never have dismissed me had ,i not spared him the trouble1 which was an excess of condescension in this particular1 that ,i certainly cannot justify4 ,what rendered my situation yet more insupportable was the comparison ,i was continually drawing between the life ,i now led and that which ,i had quitted2 the remembrance of my dear ,charmettes1 my garden1 trees1 fountain and orchard1 but1 above all1 the company of her who was born to give life and soul to every other enjoyment4 ,on calling to mind our pleasures and innocent life1 ,i was seized with such oppressions and heaviness of heart1 as deprived me of the power of performing anything as it should be4 ,a hundred times was ,i tempted instantly to set off on foot to my dear ,madam de ,warrens1 being persuaded that could ,i once more see her1 ,i should be content to die that moment3 in fine1 ,i could no longer resist the tender emotions which recalled me back to her1 whatever it might cost me4 ,i accused myself of not having been sufficiently patient1 complaisant and kind2 concluding ,i might yet live happily with her on the terms of tender friendship1 and by showing more for her than ,i had hitherto done4 ,i formed the finest projects in the world1 burned to execute them1 left all1 renounced everything1 departed1 fled1 and arriving in all the transports of my early youth1 found myself once more at her feet4 ,alas6 ,i should have died there with joy1 had ,i found in her reception1 in her embrace1 or in her heart1 one-quarter of what ,i had formerly found there1 and which ,i yet found the undiminished warmth of4 ,fearful illusions of transitory things1 how often dost thou torment us in vain6 ,she received me with that excellence of heart which could only die with her2 but ,i sought the influence there which could never be recalled1 and had hardly been half an hour with her before ,i was once more convinced that my former happiness had vanished forever1 and that ,i was in the same melancholy situation which ,i had been obliged to fly from2 yet without being able to accuse any person with my unhappiness1 for ,courtilles really was not to blame1 appearing to see my return with more pleasure than dissatisfaction4 ,but how could ,i bear to be a secondary person with her to whom ,i had been everything1 and who could never cease being such to me8 ,how could ,i live an alien in that house where ,i had been the child8 ,the sight of every object that had been witness to my former happiness1 rendered the comparison yet more distressing2 ,i should have suffered less in any other habitation1 for this incessantly recalled such pleasing remembrances1 that it was irritating the recollection of my loss4 ,consumed with vain regrets1 given up to the most gloomy melancholy1 ,i resumed the custom of remaining alone1 except at meals2 shut up with my books1 ,i sought to give some useful diversion to my ideas1 and feeling the imminent danger of want1 which ,i had so long dreaded1 ,i sought means to prepare for and receive it1 when ,madam de ,warrens should have no other resource4 ,i had placed her household on a footing not to become worse2 but since my departure everything had been altered4 ,he who now managed her affairs was a spendthrift1 and wished to make a great appearance2 such as keeping a good horse with elegant trappings2 loved to appear gay in the eyes of the neighbors1 and was perpetually undertaking something he did not understand4 ,her pension was taken up in advance1 her rent was in arrears1 debts of every kind continued to accumulate2 ,i could plainly foresee that her pension would be seized1 and perhaps suppressed2 in short1 ,i expected nothing but ruin and misfortune1 and the moment appeared to approach so rapidly that ,i already felt all its horrors4 ,my closet was my only amusement1 and after a tedious search for remedies for the sufferings of my mind1 ,i determined to seek some against the evil of distressing circumstances1 which ,i daily expected would fall upon us1 and returning to my old chimeras1 behold me once more building castles in the air to relieve this dear friend from the cruel extremities into which ,i saw her ready to fall4 ,i did not believe myself wise enough to shine in the republic of letters1 or to stand any chance of making a fortune by that means2 a new idea1 therefore1 inspired me with that confidence1 which the mediocrity of my talents could not impart4 ,in ceasing to teach music ,i had not abandoned the thoughts of it2 on the contrary1 ,i had studied the theory sufficiently to consider myself well informed on the subject4 ,when reflecting on the trouble it had cost me to read music1 and the great difficulty ,i yet experienced in singing at sight1 ,i began to think the fault might as well arise from the manner of noting as from my own dulness1 being sensible it was an art which most people find difficult to understand4 ,by examining the formation of the signs1 ,i was convinced they were frequently very ill devised4 ,i had before thought of marking the gamut by figures1 to prevent the trouble of having lines to draw1 on noting the plainest air2 but had been stopped by the difficulty of the octaves1 and by the distinction of measure and quantity3 this idea returned again to my mind1 and on a careful revision of it1 ,i found the difficulties by no means insurmountable4 ,i pursued it successfully1 and was at length able to note any music whatever by figures1 with the greatest exactitude and simplicity4 ,from this moment ,i supposed my fortune made1 and in the ardor of sharing it with her to whom ,i owed everything1 thought only of going to ,paris1 not doubting that on presenting my project to the ,academy1 it would be adopted with rapture4 ,i had brought some money from ,lyons2 ,i augmented this stock by the sale of my books1 and in the course of a fortnight my resolution was both formed and executed3 in short1 full of the magnificent ideas it had inspired1 and which were common to me on every occasion1 ,i departed from ,savoy with my new system of music1 as ,i had formerly done from ,turin with my heron-fountain4 ,such have been the errors and faults of my youth2 ,i have related the history of them with a fidelity which my heart approves2 if my riper years were dignified with some virtues1 ,i should have related them with the same frankness2 it was my intention to have done this1 but ,i must forego this pleasing task and stop here4 ,time1 which renders justice to the characters of most men1 may withdraw the veil2 and should my memory reach posterity1 they may one day discover what ,i had to say--they will then understand why ,i am now silent4