,,the ,,confessions ,,of ,,jean ,,jacques ,,rousseau 7,in #ab books7 ,privately ,printed for the ,members of the ,aldus ,society ,london1 #aijc ,,book ,,iii4 ,leaving the service of ,madam de ,vercellis nearly as ,i had entered it1 ,i returned to my former hostess1 and remained there five or six weeks2 during which time health1 youth1 and laziness1 frequently rendered my temperament importunate4 ,i was restless1 absent1 and thoughtful3 ,i wept and sighed for a happiness ,i had no idea of1 though at the same time highly sensible of some deficiency4 ,this situation is indescribable1 few men can even form any conception of it1 because1 in general1 they have prevented that plenitude of life1 at once tormenting and delicious4 ,my thoughts were incessantly occupied with girls and women1 but in a manner peculiar to myself3 these ideas kept my senses in a perpetual and disagreeable activity1 though1 fortunately1 they did not point out the means of deliverance4 ,i would have given my life to have met with a ,miss ,goton1 but the time was past in which the play of infancy predominated2 increase of years had introduced shame1 the inseparable companion of a conscious deviation from rectitude1 which so confirmed my natural timidity as to render it invincible2 and never1 either at that time or since1 could ,i prevail on myself to offer a proposition favorable to my wishes 7unless in a manner constrained to it by previous advances7 even with those whose scruples ,i had no cause to dread4 ,my stay at ,madam de ,vercellis's had procured me some acquaintance1 which ,i thought might be serviceable to me1 and therefore wished to retain4 ,among others1 ,i sometimes visited a ,savoyard abbe1 ,m4 ,gaime1 who was tutor to the ,count of ,melarede's children4 ,he was young1 and not much known1 but possessed an excellent cultivated understanding1 with great probity1 and was1 altogether1 one of the best men ,i ever knew4 ,he was incapable of doing me the service ,i then stood most in need of1 not having sufficient interest to procure me a situation1 but from him ,i reaped advantages far more precious1 which have been useful to me through life1 lessons of pure morality1 and maxims of sound judgment4 ,in the successive order of my inclinations and ideas1 ,i had ever been too high or too low4 ,achilles or ,thersites2 sometimes a hero1 at others a villain4 ,m4 ,gaime took pains to make me properly acquainted with myself1 without sparing or giving me too much discouragement4 ,he spoke in advantageous terms of my disposition and talents1 adding1 that he foresaw obstacles which would prevent my profiting by them2 thus1 according to him1 they were to serve less as steps by which ,i should mount to fortune1 than as resources which might enable me to exist without one4 ,he gave me a true picture of human life1 of which1 hitherto1 ,i had formed but a very erroneous idea1 teaching me1 that a man of understanding1 though destined to experience adverse fortune1 might1 by skilful management1 arrive at happiness2 that there was no true felicity without virtue1 which was practicable in every situation4 ,he greatly diminished my admiration of grandeur1 by proving that those in a superior situation are neither better nor happier than those they command4 ,one of his maxims has frequently returned to my memory3 it was1 that if we could truly read the hearts of others we should feel more inclination to descend than rise3 this reflection1 the truth of which is striking without extravagance1 ,i have found of great utility1 in the various exigences of my life1 as it tended to make me satisfied with my condition4 ,he gave me the first just conception of relative duties1 which my high-flown imagination had ever pictured in extremes1 making me sensible that the enthusiasm of sublime virtues is of little use in society2 that while endeavoring to rise too high we are in danger of falling2 and that a virtuous and uniform discharge of little duties requires as great a degree of fortitude as actions which are called heroic1 and would at the same time procure more honor and happiness4 ,that it was infinitely more desirable to possess the lasting esteem of those about us1 than at intervals to attract admiration4 ,in properly arranging the various duties between man and man1 it was necessary to ascend to principles2 the step ,i had recently taken1 and of which my present situation was the consequence1 naturally led us to speak of religion4 ,it will easily be conceived that the honest ,m4 ,gaime was1 in a great measure1 the original of the ,savoyard ,vicar2 prudence only obliging him to deliver his sentiments1 on certain points1 with more caution and reserve1 and explain himself with less freedom2 but his sentiments and councils were the same1 not even excepting his advice to return to my country2 all was precisely as ,i have since given it to the pubic4 ,dwelling no longer1 therefore1 on conversations which everyone may see the substance of1 ,i shall only add1 that these wise instructions 7though they did not produce an immediate effect7 were as so many seeds of virtue and religion in my heart which were never rooted out1 and only required the fostering cares of friendship to bring to maturity4 ,though my conversation was not very sincere1 ,i was affected by his discourses1 and far from being weary1 was pleased with them on account of their clearness and simplicity1 but above all because his heart seemed interested in what he said4 ,my disposition is naturally tender1 ,i have ever been less attached to people for the good they have really done me than for that they designed to do1 and my feelings in this particular have seldom misled me3 thus ,i truly esteemed ,m4 ,gaime4 ,i was in a manner his second disciple1 which even at that time was of inestimable service in turning me from a propensity to vice into which my idleness was leading me4 ,one day1 when ,i least expected it1 ,i was sent for by the ,count de la ,roque4 ,having frequently called at his house1 without being able to speak with him1 ,i grew weary1 and supposing he had either forgot me or retained some unfavorable impression of me1 returned no more3 but ,i was mistaken in both these conjectures4 ,he had more than once witnessed the pleasure ,i took in fulfilling my duty to his aunt3 he had even mentioned it to her1 and afterwards spoke of it1 when ,i no longer thought of it myself4 ,he received me graciously1 saying that instead of amusing me with useless promises1 he had sought to place me to advantage2 that he had succeeded1 and would put me in a way to better my situation1 but the rest must depend on myself4 ,that the family into which he should introduce me being both powerful and esteemed1 ,i should need no other patrons2 and though at first on the footing of a servant1 ,i might be assured1 that if my conduct and sentiments were found above that station1 ,i should not long remain in it4 ,the end of this discourse cruelly disappointed the brilliant hopes the beginning had inspired4 ,what6 forever a footman8 said ,i to myself1 with a bitterness which confidence presently effaced1 for ,i felt myself too superior to that situation to fear long remaining there4 ,he took me to the ,count de ,gauvon1 ,master of the ,horse to the ,queen1 and ,chief of the illustrious ,house of ,solar4 ,the air of dignity conspicuous in this respectable old man1 rendered the affability with which he received me yet more interesting4 ,he questioned me with evident interest1 and ,i replied with sincerity4 ,he then told the ,count de la ,roque1 that my features were agreeable1 and promised intellect1 which he believed ,i was not deficient in2 but that was not enough1 and time must show the rest2 after which1 turning to me1 he said1 ,child1 almost all situations are attended with difficulties in the beginning2 yours1 however1 shall not have too great a portion of them2 be prudent1 and endeavor to please everyone1 that will be almost your only employment2 for the rest fear nothing1 you shall be taken care of4 ,immediately after he went to the ,marchioness de ,breil1 his daughter-in-law1 to whom he presented me1 and then to the ,abbe de ,gauvon1 his son4 ,i was elated with this beginning1 as ,i knew enough of the world already to conclude1 that so much ceremony is not generally used at the reception of a footman4 ,in fact1 ,i was not treated like one4 ,i dined at the steward's table2 did not wear a livery2 and the ,count de ,favria 7a giddy youth7 having commanded me to get behind his coach1 his grandfather ordered that ,i should get behind no coach1 nor follow any one out of the house4 ,meantime1 ,i waited at table1 and did1 within doors1 the business of a footman2 but ,i did it1 as it were1 of my own free will1 without being appointed to any particular service2 and except writing some letters1 which were dictated to me1 and cutting out some ornaments for the ,count de ,favria1 ,i was almost the absolute master of my time4 ,this trial of my discretion1 which ,i did not then perceive1 was certainly very dangerous1 and not very humane2 for in this state of idleness ,i might have contracted vices which ,i should not otherwise have given into4 ,fortunately1 it did not produce that effect2 my memory retained the lessons of ,m4 ,gaime1 they had made an impression on my heart1 and ,i sometimes escaped from the house of my patron to obtain a repetition of them4 ,i believe those who saw me going out1 apparently by stealth1 had no conception of my business4 ,nothing could be more prudent than the advice he gave me respecting my conduct4 ,my beginning was admirable2 so much attention1 assiduity1 and zeal1 had charmed everyone4 ,the ,abby ,gaime advised me to moderate this first ardor1 lest ,i should relax1 and that relaxation should be considered as neglect4 ,your setting out1 said he1 is the rule of what will be expected of you2 endeavor gradually to increase your attentions1 but be cautious how you diminish them4 ,as they paid but little attention to my trifling talents1 and supposed ,i possessed no more than nature had given me1 there was no appearance 7notwithstanding the promises of ,count de ,gauvon7 of my meeting with any particular consideration4 ,some objects of more consequence had intervened4 ,the ,marquis de ,breil1 son of the ,count de ,gauvon1 was then ambassador at ,vienna2 some circumstances had occurred at that court which for some weeks kept the family in continual agitation1 and left them no time to think of me4 ,meantime ,i had relaxed but little in my attentions1 though one object in the family did me both good and harm1 making me more secure from exterior dissipation1 but less attentive to my duty4 ,mademoiselle de ,breil was about my own age1 tolerably handsome1 and very fair complexioned1 with black hair1 which notwithstanding1 gave her features that air of softness so natural to the flaxen1 and which my heart could never resist4 ,the court dress1 so favorable to youth1 showed her fine neck and shape to advantage1 and the mourning1 which was then worn1 seemed to add to her beauty4 ,it will be said1 a domestic should not take notice of these things2 ,i was certainly to blame1 yet ,i perceived all this1 nor was ,i the only one2 the maitre d' hotel and valet de chambre spoke of her sometimes at table with a vulgarity that pained me extremely4 ,my head1 however1 was not sufficiently turned to allow of my being entirely in love2 ,i did not forget myself1 or my situation4 ,i loved to see ,mademoiselle de ,breil2 to hear her utter anything that marked wit1 sense1 or good humor3 my ambition1 confined to a desire of waiting on her1 never exceeded its just rights4 ,at table ,i was ever attentive to make the most of them2 if her footman quitted her chair1 ,i instantly supplied his place2 in default of this1 ,i stood facing her1 seeking in her eyes what she was about to ask for1 and watching the moment to change her plate4 ,what would ,i not have given to hear her command1 to have her look at1 or speak the smallest word to me6 but no1 ,i had the mortification to be beneath her regard2 she did not even perceive ,i was there4 ,her brother1 who frequently spoke to me while at table1 having one day said something which ,i did not consider obliging1 ,i made him so arch and well-turned an answer1 that it drew her attention2 she cast her eyes upon me1 and this glance was sufficient to fill me with transport4 ,the next day1 a second occasion presented itself1 which ,i fortunately made use of4 ,a great dinner was given2 and ,i saw1 with astonishment1 for the first time1 the maitre d' hotel waiting at table1 with a sword by his side1 and hat on his head4 ,by chance1 the discourse turned on the motto of the house of ,solar1 which was1 with the arms1 worked in the tapestry3 ',tel fiert qui ne fue pas'4 ,as the ,piedmontese are not in general very perfect in the ,french language1 they found fault with the orthography1 saying1 that in the word fiert there should be no 't'4 ,the old ,count de ,gauvon was going to reply1 when happening to cast his eyes on me1 he perceived ,i smiled without daring to say anything2 he immediately ordered me to speak my opinion4 ,i then said1 ,i did not think the 't' superfluous1 'fiert' being an old ,french word1 not derived from the noun 'ferus'1 proud1 threatening2 but from the verb 'ferit'1 he strikes1 he wounds2 the motto1 therefore1 did not appear to mean1 some threat1 but1 ',some strike who do not kill'4 ,the whole company fixed their eyes on me1 then on each other1 without speaking a word2 never was a greater degree of astonishment2 but what most flattered me1 was an air of satisfaction which ,i perceived on the countenance of ,mademoiselle de ,breil4 ,this scornful lady deigned to cast on me a second look at least as valuable as the former1 and turning to her grandfather1 appeared to wait with impatience for the praise that was due to me1 and which he fully bestowed1 with such apparent satisfaction1 that it was eagerly chorused by the whole table4 ,this interval was short1 but delightful in many respects2 it was one of those moments so rarely met with1 which place things in their natural order1 and revenge depressed merit for the injuries of fortune4 ,some minutes after ,mademoiselle de ,breil again raised her eyes1 desiring me with a voice of timid affability to give her some drink4 ,it will easily be supposed ,i did not let her wait1 but advancing towards her1 ,i was seized with such a trembling1 that having filled the glass too full1 ,i spilled some of the water on her plate1 and even on herself4 ,her brother asked me1 giddily1 why ,i trembled thus8 ,this question increased my confusion1 while the face of ,mademoiselle de ,breil was suffused with a crimson blush4 ,here ended the romance2 where it may be remarked 7as with ,madam ,basile1 and others in the continuation of my life7 that ,i was not fortunate in the conclusion of my amours4 ,in vain ,i placed myself in the antechamber of ,madam de ,breil1 ,i could not obtain one mark of attention from her daughter2 she went in and out without looking at me1 nor had ,i the confidence to raise my eyes to her2 ,i was even so foolishly stupid1 that one day1 on dropping her glove as she passed1 instead of seizing and covering it with kisses1 as ,i would gladly have done1 ,i did not dare to quit my place1 but suffered it to be taken up by a great booby of a footman1 whom ,i could willingly have knocked down for his officiousness4 ,to complete my timidity1 ,i perceived ,i had not the good fortune to please ,madam de ,breil2 she not only never ordered1 but even rejected1 my services2 and having twice found me in her antechamber1 asked me1 dryly1 ,if ,i had nothing to do8 ,i was obliged1 therefore1 to renounce this dear antechamber2 at first it caused me some uneasiness1 but other things intervening1 ,i presently thought no more of it4 ,the disdain of ,madam de ,breil was fully compensated by the kindness of her father-in-law1 who at length began to think of me4 ,the evening after the entertainment1 ,i have already mentioned1 he had a conversation with me that lasted half an hour1 which appeared to satisfy him1 and absolutely enchanted me4 ,this good man had less sense than ,madam de ,vercellis1 but possessed more feeling2 ,i therefore succeeded much better with him4 ,he bade me attach myself to his son1 the ,abbe ,gauvon1 who had an esteem for me1 which1 if ,i took care to cultivate1 might be serviceable in furnishing me with what was necessary to complete their views for my future establishment4 ,the next morning ,i flew to ,m4 the ,abbe1 who did not receive me as a servant1 but made me sit by his fireside1 and questioned me with great affability4 ,he soon found that my education1 which had attempted many things1 had completed none2 but observing that ,i understood something of ,latin1 he undertook to teach me more1 and appointed me to attend him every morning4 ,thus1 by one of the whimsicalities which have marked the whole course of my life1 at once above and below my natural situation1 ,i was pupil and footman in the same house3 and though in servitude1 had a preceptor whose birth entitled him to supply that place only to the children of kings4 ,the ,abbe de ,gauvon was a younger son1 and designed by his family for a bishopric1 for which reason his studies had been pursued1 further than is usual with people of quality4 ,he had been sent to the university of ,sienna1 where he had resided some years1 and from whence he had brought a good portion of cruscantism1 designing to be that at ,turin which the ,abbe de ,dangeau was formerly at ,paris4 ,being disgusted with theology1 he gave in to the belle-lettres1 which is very frequent in ,italy1 with those who have entered the career of prelacy4 ,he had studied the poets1 and wrote tolerable ,latin and ,italian verses2 in a word1 his taste was calculated to form mine1 and give some order to that chaos of insignificant trash with which my brain was encumbered2 but whether my prating had misled him1 or that he could not support the trouble of teaching the elementary parts of ,latin1 he put me at first too high2 and ,i had scarcely translated a few fables of ,phoedrus before he put me into ,virgil1 where ,i could hardly understand anything4 ,it will be seen hereafter that ,i was destined frequently to learn ,latin1 but never to attain it4 ,i labored with assiduity1 and the abbe bestowed his attention with a degree of kindness1 the remembrance of which1 even at this time1 both interests and softens me4 ,i passed the greater part of the morning with him as much for my own instruction as his service2 not that he ever permitted me to perform any menial office1 but to copy1 or write from his dictating2 and my employment of secretary was more useful than that of scholar1 and by this means ,i not only learned the ,italian in its utmost purity1 but also acquired a taste for literature1 and some discernment of composition1 which could not have been at ,la ,tribu's1 and which was useful to me when ,i afterwards wrote alone4 ,at this period of my life1 without being romantic1 ,i might reasonably have indulged the hope of preferment4 ,the abbe1 thoroughly pleased with me1 expressed his satisfaction to everyone1 while his father had such a singular affection for me1 that ,i was assured by the ,count de ,favria1 that he had spoken of me to the king2 even ,madam de ,breil had laid aside her disdainful looks2 in short ,i was a general favorite1 which gave great jealousy to the other servants1 who seeing me honored by the instructions of their master's son1 were persuaded ,i should not remain their equal4 ,as far as ,i could judge by some words dropped at random1 and which ,i reflected on afterwards1 it appeared to me1 that the ,house of ,solar1 wishing to run the career of embassies1 and hoping perhaps in time to arrive at the ministry1 wished to provide themselves with a person of merit and talents1 who depending entirely on them1 might obtain their confidence1 and be of essential service4 ,this project of the ,count de ,gauvon was judicious1 magnanimous1 and truly worthy of a powerful nobleman1 equally provident and generous2 but besides my not seeing1 at that time1 its full extent1 it was far too rational for my brain1 and required too much confinement4 ,my ridiculous ambition sought for fortune in the midst of brilliant adventures1 and not finding one woman in all this scheme1 it appeared tedious1 painful and melancholy2 though ,i should rather have thought it more honorable on this account1 as the species of merit generally patronized by women is certainly less worthy that ,i was supposed to possess4 ,everything succeeded to my wish3 ,i had obtained1 almost forced1 the esteem of all2 the trial was over1 and ,i was universally considered as a young man with flattering prospects1 who was not at present in his proper sphere1 but was expected soon to reach it2 but my place was not assigned me by man1 and ,i was to reach it by very difficult paths4 ,i now come to one of those characteristic traits1 which are so natural to me1 and which1 indeed1 the reader might have observed without this reflection4 ,there were at ,turin several new converts of my own stamp1 whom ,i neither liked nor wish to see2 but ,i had met with some ,genevese who were not of this description1 and among others a ,m4 ,mussard1 nicknamed ,wryneck1 a miniature painter1 and a distant relation4 ,this ,m4 ,mussard1 having learned my situation at the ,count de ,gauvon's1 came to see me1 with another ,genevese1 named ,bacle1 who had been my comrade during my apprenticeship4 ,this ,bacle was a very sprightly1 amusing young fellow1 full of lively sallies1 which at his time of life appeared extremely agreeable4 ,at once1 then1 behold me delighted with ,m4 ,bacle2 charmed to such a degree that ,i found it impossible to quit him4 ,he was shortly to depart for ,geneva2 what a loss had ,i to sustain6 ,i felt the whole force of it1 and resolving to make the best use of this precious interval1 ,i determined not to leave him1 or1 rather1 he never quitted me1 for my head was not yet sufficiently turned to think of quitting the house without leave1 but it was soon perceived that he engrossed my whole time1 and he was accordingly forbid the house4 ,this so incensed me1 that forgetting everything but my friend ,bacle1 ,i went neither to the abbe nor the count1 and was no longer to be found at home4 ,i paid no attention to repeated reprimands1 and at length was threatened with dismissal4 ,this threat was my ruin1 as it suggested the idea that it was not absolutely necessary that ,bacle should depart alone4 ,from that moment ,i could think of no other pleasure1 no other situation or happiness than taking this journey4 ,to render the felicity still more complete1 at the end of it 7though at an immense distance7 ,i pictured to myself ,madam de ,warrens2 for as to returning to ,geneva1 it never entered into my imagination4 ,the hills1 fields1 brooks and villages1 incessantly succeeded each other with new charms1 and this delightful jaunt seemed worthy to absorb my whole existence4 ,memory recalled1 with inexpressible pleasure1 how charming the country had appeared in coming to ,turin2 what then must it be1 when1 to the pleasure of independence1 should be added the company of a good-humored comrade of my own age and disposition1 without any constraint or obligation1 but free to go or stay as we pleased8 ,would it not be madness to sacrifice the prospect of so much felicity to projects of ambition1 slow and difficult in their execution1 and uncertain in their event8 ,but even supposing them realized1 and in their utmost splendor1 they were not worth one quarter of an hour of the sweet pleasure and liberty of youth4 ,full of these wise conclusions1 ,i conducted myself so improperly1 that 7not indeed without some trouble7 ,i got myself dismissed2 for on my return one night the maitre de hotel gave me warning on the part of the count4 ,this was exactly what ,i wanted2 for feeling1 spite of myself1 the extravagance of my conduct1 ,i wished to excuse it by the addition of injustice and ingratitude1 by throwing the blame on others1 and sheltering myself under the idea of necessity4 ,i was told the ,count de ,favria wished to speak with me the next morning before my departure2 but1 being sensible that my head was so far turned as to render it possible for me to disobey the injunction1 the maitre de hotel declined paying the money designed me1 and which certainly ,i had very ill earned1 till after this visit2 for my kind patrons being unwilling to place me in the situation of a footman1 ,i had not any fixed wages4 ,the ,count de ,favria1 though young and giddy1 talked to me on this occasion in the most sensible and serious manner3 ,i might add1 if it would not be thought vain1 with the utmost tenderness4 ,he reminded me1 in the most flattering terms1 of the cares of his uncle1 and intentions of his grandfather2 after having drawn in lively colors what ,i was sacrificing to ruin1 he offered to make my peace1 without stipulating any conditions1 but that ,i should no more see the worthless fellow who had seduced me4 ,it was so apparent that he did not say all this of himself1 that notwithstanding my blind stupidity1 ,i powerfully felt the kindness of my good old master1 but the dear journey was too firmly printed on my imagination for any consideration to balance the charm4 ,bereft of understanding1 firm to my purpose1 ,i hardened myself against conviction1 and arrogantly answered1 that as they had thought fit to give me warning1 ,i had resolved to take it1 and conceived it was now too late to retract1 since1 whatever might happen to me1 ,i was fully resolved not to be driven a second time from the same house4 ,the count1 justly irritated1 bestowed on me some names which ,i deserved1 and putting me out of his apartment by the shoulders1 shut the door on me4 ,i departed triumphant1 as if ,i had gained the greatest victory1 and fearful of sustaining a second combat even had the ingratitude to leave the house without thanking the abbe for his kindness4 ,to form a just conception of my delirium at that moment1 the excess to which my heart is subject to be heated by the most trifling incidents1 and the ardor with which my imagination seizes on the most attractive objects should be conceived4 ,at these times1 plans the most ridiculous1 childish1 and void of sense1 flatter my favorite idea1 and persuade me that it is reasonable to sacrifice everything to the possession of it4 ,would it be believed1 that when near nineteen1 any one could be so stupid as to build his hopes of future subsistence on an empty phial8 ,for example3 ,the ,abbe de ,gauvon had made me a present1 some weeks before1 of a very pretty heron fountain1 with which ,i was highly delighted4 ,playing with this toy1 and speaking of our departure1 the sage ,bacle and myself thought it might be of infinite advantage1 and enable us to lengthen our journey4 ,what in the world was so curious as a heron fountain8 ,this idea was the foundation on which we built our future fortune3 we were to assemble the country people in every village we might pass through1 and delight them with the sight of it1 when feasting and good cheer would be sure to pour on us abundantly2 for we were both firmly persuaded1 that provisions could cost nothing to those who grew and gathered them1 and if they did not stuff travellers1 it was downright ill-nature4 ,we pictured in all parts entertainments and weddings1 reckoning that without any expense but wind from our lungs1 and the water of our fountain1 we should be maintained through ,piedmont1 ,savoy1 ,france1 and indeed1 all the world over4 ,there was no end to our projected travels1 and we immediately directed our course northward1 rather for the pleasure of crossing the ,alps1 than from a supposed necessity of being obliged to stop at any place4 ,such was the plan on which ,i set out1 abandoning without regret1 my preceptors1 studies1 and hopes1 with the almost certain attainment of a fortune1 to lead the life of a real vagabond4 ,farewell to the capital2 adieu to the court1 ambition1 love1 the fair1 and all the great adventures into which hope had led me during the preceding year6 ,i departed with my fountain and my friend ,bacle1 a purse lightly furnished1 but a heart over-flowing with pleasure1 and only thinking how to enjoy the extensive felicity which ,i supposed my project encircled4 ,this extravagant journey was performed almost as agreeably as ,i had expected1 though not exactly on the same plan2 not but our fountain highly amused the hostess and servants for some minutes at all the ale-houses where we halted1 yet we found it equally necessary to pay on our departure2 but that gave us no concern1 as we never thought of depending on it entirely until our money should be expended4 ,an accident spared us that trouble1 our fountain was broken near ,bramant1 and in good time1 for we both felt 7though without daring to own it to each other7 that we began to be weary of it4 ,this misfortune rendered us gayer than ever2 we laughed heartily at our giddiness in having forgotten that our clothes and shoes would wear out1 or trusting to renew them by the play of our fountain4 ,we continued our journey as merrily as we had begun it1 only drawing faster towards that termination where our drained purses made it necessary for us to arrive4 ,at ,chambery ,i became pensive2 not for the folly ,i had committed1 for never did any one think less of the past1 but on account of the reception ,i should meet with from ,madam de ,warrens2 for ,i looked on her house as my paternal home4 ,i had written her an account of my reception at the ,count de ,gauvon's2 she knew my expectancies1 and1 in congratulating me on my good fortune1 had added some wise lessons on the return ,i ought to make for the kindness with which they treated me4 ,she looked on my fortune as already made1 if not destroyed by my own negligence2 what then would she say on my arrival8 for it never entered my mind that she might shut the door against me1 but ,i dreaded the uneasiness ,i might give her2 ,i dreaded her reproaches1 to me more wounding than want2 ,i resolved to bear all in silence1 and1 if possible to appease her4 ,i now saw nothing but ,madam de ,warrens in the whole universe1 and to live in disgrace with her was impossible4 ,i was most concerned about my companion1 whom ,i did not wish to offend1 and feared ,i should not easily get rid of4 ,i prefaced this separation by an affected coldness during the last day's journey4 ,the drole understood me perfectly2 in fact1 he was rather giddy than deficient in point of sense--,i expected he would have been hurt at my inconstancy1 but ,i was quite mistaken2 nothing affected my friend ,bacle1 for hardly had we set foot in town1 on our arrival in ,annecy1 before he said1 ,you are now at home1--embraced--bade me adieu--turned on his heel1 and disappeared2 nor have ,i ever heard of him since4 ,how did my heart beat as ,i approached the habitation of ,madam de ,warrens6 my legs trembled under me1 my eyes were clouded with a mist1 ,i neither saw1 heard1 nor recollected any one1 and was obliged frequently to stop that ,i might draw breath1 and recall my bewildered senses4 ,was it fear of not obtaining that succor ,i stood in need of1 which agitated me to this degree8 ,at the age ,i then was1 does the fear of perishing with hunger give such alarms8 ,no3 ,i declare with as much truth as pride1 that it was not in the power of interest or indigence1 at any period of my life1 to expand or contract my heart4 ,in the course of a painful life1 memorable for its vicissitudes1 frequently destitute of an asylum1 and without bread1 ,i have contemplated1 with equal indifference1 both opulence and misery4 ,in want ,i might have begged or stolen1 as others have done1 but never could feel distress at being reduced to such necessities4 ,few men have grieved more than myself1 few have shed so many tears2 yet never did poverty1 or the fear of falling into it1 make me heave a sigh or moisten my eyelids4 ,my soul1 in despite of fortune1 has only been sensible of real good and evil1 which did not depend on her2 and frequently1 when in possession of everything that could make life pleasing1 ,i have been the most miserable of mortals4 ,the first glance of ,madam de ,warrens banished all my fears--my heart leaped at the sound of her voice2 ,i threw myself at her feet1 and in transports of the most lively joy1 pressed my lips upon her hand4 ,i am ignorant whether she had received any recent information of me4 ,i discovered but little surprise on her countenance1 and no sorrow4 ,poor child6 said she1 in an affectionate tone1 art thou here again8 ,i knew you were too young for this journey2 ,i am very glad1 however1 that it did not turn out so bad as ,i apprehended4 ,she then made me recount my history2 it was not long1 and ,i did it faithfully3 suppressing only some trifling circumstances1 but on the whole neither sparing nor excusing myself4 ,the question was1 where ,i could lodge3 she consulted her maid on this point--,i hardly dared to breathe during the deliberation2 but when ,i heard ,i was to sleep in the house1 ,i could scarce contain my joy2 and saw the little bundle ,i brought with me carried into my destined apartment with much the same sensations as ,st4 ,preux saw his chaise put up at ,madam de ,wolmar's4 ,to complete all1 ,i had the satisfaction to find that this favor was not to be transitory2 for at a moment when they thought me attentive to something else1 ,i heard ,madam de ,warrens say1 ,they may talk as they please1 but since ,providence has sent him back1 ,i am determined not to abandon him4 ,behold me1 then1 established at her house2 not1 however1 that ,i date the happiest days of my life from this period1 but this served to prepare me for them4 ,though that sensibility of heart1 which enables us truly to enjoy our being1 is the work of ,nature1 and perhaps a mere effect of organization1 yet it requires situations to unfold itself1 and without a certain concurrence of favorable circumstances1 a man born with the most acute sensibility may go out of the world without ever having been acquainted with his own temperament4 ,this was my case till that time1 and such perhaps it might have remained had ,i never known ,madam de ,warrens1 or even having known her1 had ,i not remained with her long enough to contract that pleasing habit of affectionate sentiments with which she inspired me4 ,i dare affirm1 that those who only love1 do not feel the most charming sensations we are capable of3 ,i am acquainted with another sentiment1 less impetuous1 but a thousand times more delightful2 sometimes joined with love1 but frequently separated from it4 ,this feeling is not simply friendship2 it is more enchanting1 more tender2 nor do ,i imagine it can exist between persons of the same sex2 at least ,i have been truly a friend1 if ever a man was1 and yet never experienced it in that kind4 ,this distinction is not sufficiently clear1 but will become so hereafter3 sentiments are only distinguishable by their effects4 ,madam de ,warrens inhabited an old house1 but large enough to have a handsome spare apartment1 which she made her drawing-room4 ,i now occupied this chamber1 which was in the passage ,i have before mentioned as the place of our first meeting4 ,beyond the brook and gardens was a prospect of the country1 which was by no means uninteresting to the young inhabitant1 being the first time1 since my residence at ,bossey1 that ,i had seen anything before my windows but walls1 roofs1 or the dirty street4 ,how pleasing then was this novelty6 it helped to increase the tenderness of my disposition1 for ,i looked on this charming landscape as the gift of my dear patroness1 who ,i could almost fancy had placed it there on purpose for me4 ,peaceably seated1 my eyes pursued her amidst the flowers and the verdure2 her charms seemed to me confounded with those of the spring2 my heart1 till now contracted1 here found means to expand itself1 and my sighs exhaled freely in this charming retreat4 ,the magnificence ,i had been accustomed to at ,turin was not to be found at ,madam de ,warrens1 but in lieu of it there was neatness1 regularity1 and a patriarchal abundance1 which is seldom attached to pompous ostentation4 ,she had very little plate1 no china1 no game in her kitchen1 or foreign wines in her cellar1 but both were well furnished1 and at every one's service2 and her coffee1 though served in earthenware cups1 was excellent4 ,whoever came to her house was invited to dine there1 and never did laborer1 messenger1 or traveller1 depart without refreshment4 ,her family consisted of a pretty chambermaid from ,fribourg1 named ,merceret2 a valet from her own country called ,claude ,anet 7of whom ,i shall speak hereafter71 a cook1 and two hired chairmen when she visited1 which seldom happened4 ,this was a great deal to be done out of two thousand livres a year2 yet1 with good management1 it might have been sufficient in a country where land is extremely good1 and money very scarce4 ,unfortunately1 economy was never her favorite virtue2 she contracted debts--paid them--thus her money passed from hand to hand like a weaver's shuttle1 and quickly disappeared4 ,the arrangement of her housekeeping was exactly what ,i should have chosen1 and ,i shared it with satisfaction4 ,i was least pleased with the necessity of remaining too long at table4 ,madam de ,warrens was so much incommoded with the first smell of soup or meat1 as almost to occasion fainting2 from this she slowly recovered1 talking meantime1 and never attempting to eat for the first half hour4 ,i could have dined thrice in the time1 and had ever finished my meal long before she began2 ,i then ate again for company2 and though by this means ,i usually dined twice1 felt no inconvenience from it4 ,in short1 ,i was perfectly at my ease1 and the happier as my situation required no care4 ,not being at this time instructed in the state of her finances1 ,i supposed her means were adequate to her expense2 and though ,i afterwards found the same abundance1 yet when instructed in her real situation1 finding her pension ever anticipated1 prevented me from enjoying the same tranquility4 ,foresight with me has always embittered enjoyment2 in vain ,i saw the approach of misfortunes1 ,i was never the more likely to avoid them4 ,from the first moment of our meeting1 the softest familiarity was established between us3 and in the same degree it continued during the rest of her life4 ,child was my name1 ,mamma was hers1 and child and mamma we have ever continued1 even after a number of years had almost effaced the apparent difference of age between us4 ,i think those names convey an exact idea of our behavior1 the simplicity of our manners1 and above all1 the similarity of our dispositions4 ,to me she was the tenderest of mothers1 ever preferring my welfare to her own pleasure2 and if my own satisfaction found some interest in my attachment to her1 it was not to change its nature1 but only to render it more exquisite1 and infatuate me with the charm of having a mother young and handsome1 whom ,i was delighted to caress3 ,i say literally1 to caress1 for never did it enter into her imagination to deny me the tenderest maternal kisses and endearments1 or into my heart to abuse them4 ,it will be said1 at length our connection was of a different kind3 ,i confess it2 but have patience1 that will come in its turn4 ,the sudden sight of her1 on our first interview1 was the only truly passionate moment she ever inspired me with2 and even that was principally the work of surprise4 ,with her ,i had neither transports nor desires1 but remained in a ravishing calm1 sensible of a happiness ,i could not define1 and thus could ,i have passed my whole life1 or even eternity1 without feeling an instant of uneasiness4 ,she was the only person with whom ,i never experienced that want of conversation1 which to me is so painful to endure4 ,our tete-a-tetes were rather an inexhaustible chat than conversation1 which could only conclude from interruption4 ,so far from finding discourse difficult1 ,i rather thought it a hardship to be silent2 unless1 when contemplating her projects1 she sunk into a reverie2 when ,i silently let her meditate1 and gazing on her1 was the happiest of men4 ,i had another singular fancy1 which was that without pretending to the favor of a tete-a-tete1 ,i was perpetually seeking occasion to form them1 enjoying such opportunities with rapture2 and when importunate visitors broke in upon us1 no matter whether it was man or woman1 ,i went out murmuring1 not being able to remain a secondary object in her company2 then1 counting the minutes in her antechamber1 ,i used to curse these eternal visitors1 thinking it inconceivable how they could find so much to say1 because ,i had still more4 ,if ever ,i felt the full force of my attachment1 it was when ,i did not see her4 ,when in her presence1 ,i was only content2 when absent1 my uneasiness reached almost to melancholy1 and a wish to live with her gave me emotions of tenderness even to tears4 ,never shall ,i forget one great holiday1 while she was at vespers1 when ,i took a walk out of the city1 my heart full of her image1 and the ardent wish to pass my life with her4 ,i could easily enough see that at present this was impossible2 that the happiness ,i enjoyed would be of short duration1 and this idea gave to my contemplations a tincture of melancholy1 which1 however1 was not gloomy1 but tempered with a flattering hope4 ,the ringing of bells1 which ever particularly affects me1 the singing of birds1 the fineness of the day1 the beauty of the landscape1 the scattered country houses1 among which in idea ,i placed our future dwelling1 altogether struck me with an impression so lively1 tender1 melancholy1 and powerful1 that ,i saw myself in ecstasy transported into that happy time and abode1 where my heart1 possessing all the felicity it could desire1 might taste it with raptures inexpressible4 ,i never recollect to have enjoyed the future with such force of illusions as at that time2 and what has particularly struck me in the recollection of this reverie1 is that when realized1 ,i found my situation exactly as ,i had imagined it4 ,if ever waking dream had an appearance of a prophetic vision1 it was assuredly this2 ,i was only deceived in its imaginary duration1 for days1 years1 and life itself1 passed ideally in perfect tranquility1 while the reality lasted but a moment4 ,alas6 my most durable happiness was but as a dream1 which ,i had no sooner had a glimpse of1 than ,i instantly awoke4 ,i know not when ,i should have done1 if ,i was to enter into a detail of all the follies that affection for my dear ,madam de ,warrens made me commit4 ,when absent from her1 how often have ,i kissed the bed on a supposition that she had slept there2 the curtains and all the furniture of my chamber1 on recollecting they were hers1 and that her charming hands had touched them2 nay1 the floor itself1 when ,i considered she had walked there4 ,sometimes even in her presence1 extravagancies escaped me1 which only the most violent passions seemed capable of inspiring2 in a word1 there was but one essential difference to distinguish me from an absolute lover1 and that particular renders my situation almost inconceivable4 ,i had returned from ,italy1 not absolutely as ,i went there1 but as no one of my age1 perhaps1 ever did before1 being equally unacquainted with women4 ,my ardent constitution had found resources in those means by which youth of my disposition sometimes preserve their purity at the expense of health1 vigor1 and frequently of life itself4 ,my local situation should likewise be considered--living with a pretty woman1 cherishing her image in the bottom of my heart1 seeing her during the whole day1 at night surrounded with objects that recalled her incessantly to my remembrance1 and sleeping in the bed where ,i knew she had slept4 ,what a situation6 ,who can read this without supposing me on the brink of the grave8 ,but quite the contrary2 that which might have ruined me1 acted as a preservative1 at least for a time4 ,intoxicated with the charm of living with her1 with the ardent desire of passing my life there1 absent or present ,i saw in her a tender mother1 an amiable sister1 a respected friend1 but nothing more2 meantime1 her image filled my heart1 and left room far no other object4 ,the extreme tenderness with which she inspired me excluded every other woman from my consideration1 and preserved me from the whole sex3 in a word1 ,i was virtuous1 because ,i loved her4 ,let these particulars1 which ,i recount but indifferently1 be considered1 and then let any one judge what kind of attachment ,i had for her3 for my part1 all ,i can say1 is1 that if it hitherto appears extraordinary1 it will appear much more so in the sequel4 ,my time passed in the most agreeable manner1 though occupied in a way which was by no means calculated to please me2 such as having projects to digest1 bills to write fair1 receipts to transcribe1 herbs to pick1 drugs to pound1 or distillations to attend2 and in the midst of all this1 came crowds of travellers1 beggars1 and visitors of all denominations4 ,some times it was necessary to converse at the same time with a soldier1 an apothecary1 a prebendary1 a fine lady1 and a lay brother4 ,i grumbled1 swore1 and wished all this troublesome medley at the devil1 while she seemed to enjoy it1 laughing at my chagrin till the tears ran down her cheeks4 ,what excited her mirth still more1 was to see that my anger was increased by not being able myself to refrain from laughter4 ,these little intervals1 in which ,i enjoyed the pleasure of grumbling1 were charming2 and if1 during the dispute1 another importunate visitor arrived1 she would add to her amusement by maliciously prolonging the visit1 meantime casting glances at me for which ,i could almost have beat her2 nor could she without difficulty refrain from laughter on seeing my constrained politeness1 though every moment glancing at her the look of a fury1 while1 even in spite of myself1 ,i thought the scene truly diverting4 ,all this1 without being pleasing in itself1 contributed to amuse1 because it made up a part of a life which ,i thought delightful4 ,nothing that was performed around me1 nothing that ,i was obliged to do1 suited my taste1 but everything suited my heart2 and ,i believe1 at length1 ,i should have liked the study of medicine1 had not my natural distaste to it perpetually engaged us in whimsical scenes1 that prevented my thinking of it in a serious light4 ,it was1 perhaps1 the first time that this art produced mirth4 ,i pretended to distinguish a physical book by its smell1 and what was more diverting1 was seldom mistaken4 ,madam de ,warrens made me taste the most nauseous drugs2 in vain ,i ran1 or endeavored to defend myself2 spite of resistance or wry faces1 spite of my struggles1 or even of my teeth1 when ,i saw her charming fingers approach my lips1 ,i was obliged to give up the contest4 ,when shut up in an apartment with all her medical apparatus1 any one who had heard us running and shouting amidst peals of laughter would rather have imagined we had been acting a farce than preparing opiates or elixirs4 ,my time1 however1 was not entirely passed in these fooleries2 in the apartment which ,i occupied ,i found a few books3 there was the ,spectator1 ,puffendorf1 ,st4 ,everemond1 and the ,henriade4 ,though ,i had not my old passion for books1 yet ,i amused myself with reading a part of them4 ,the ,spectator was particularly pleasing and serviceable to me4 ,the ,abbe de ,gauvon had taught me to read less eagerly1 and with a greater degree of attention1 which rendered my studies more serviceable4 ,i accustomed myself to reflect on elocution and the elegance of composition2 exercising myself in discerning pure ,french from my provincial idiom4 ,for example1 ,i corrected an orthographical fault 7which ,i had in common with all ,genevese7 by these two lines of the ,henriade3 ,soit qu' un ancient respect pour le sang de leurs maitres1 ,parlat encore pour lui dans le coeur de ces traitres ,i was struck with the word 'parlat'1 and found a 't' was necessary to form the third person of the subjunctive1 whereas ,i had always written and pronounced it parla1 as in the present of the indicative4 ,sometimes my studies were the subject of conversation with ,madam de ,warrens2 sometimes ,i read to her1 in which ,i found great satisfaction2 and as ,i endeavored to read well1 it was extremely serviceable to me4 ,i have already observed that her mind was cultivated2 her understanding was at this time in its meridian4 ,several people of learning having been assiduous to ingratiate themselves1 had taught her to distinguish works of merit2 but her taste 7if ,i may so express myself7 was rather ,protestant2 ever speaking warmly of ,bayle1 and highly esteeming ,st4 ,evremond1 though long since almost forgotten in ,france3 but this did not prevent her having a taste for literature1 or expressing her thoughts with elegance4 ,she had been brought up with polite company1 and coming young to ,savoy1 by associating with people of the best fashion1 had lost the affected manners of her own country1 where the ladies mistake wit for sense1 and only speak in epigram4 ,though she had seen the court but superficially1 that glance was sufficient to give her a competent idea of it2 and notwithstanding secret jealousies and the murmurs excited by her conduct and running in debt1 she ever preserved friends there1 and never lost her pension4 ,she knew the world1 and was useful4 ,this was her favorite theme in our conversations1 and was directly opposite to my chimerical ideas1 though the kind of instruction ,i particularly had occasion for4 ,we read ,bruyere together2 he pleased her more than ,rochefoucault1 who is a dull1 melancholy author1 particularly to youth1 who are not fond of contemplating man as he really is4 ,in moralizing she sometimes bewildered herself by the length of her discourse2 but by kissing her lips or hand from time to time ,i was easily consoled1 and never found them wearisome4 ,this life was too delightful to be lasting2 ,i felt this1 and the uneasiness that thought gave me was the only thing that disturbed my enjoyment4 ,even in playfulness she studied my disposition1 observed and interrogated me1 forming projects for my future fortune1 which ,i could readily have dispensed with4 ,happily it was not sufficient to know my disposition1 inclinations and talents2 it was likewise necessary to find a situation in which they would be useful1 and this was not the work of a day4 ,even the prejudices this good woman had conceived in favor of my merit put off the time of calling it into action1 by rendering her more difficult in the choice of means2 thus 7thanks to the good opinion she entertained of me71 everything answered to my wish2 but a change soon happened which put a period to my tranquility4 ,a relation of ,madam de ,warrens1 named ,m4 d',aubonne1 came to see her2 a man of great understanding and intrigue1 being1 like her1 fond of projects1 though careful not to ruin himself by them4 ,he had offered ,cardinal ,fleury a very compact plan for a lottery1 which1 however1 had not been approved of1 and he was now going to propose it to the court of ,turin1 where it was accepted and put into execution4 ,he remained some time at ,annecy1 where he fell in love with the ,intendant's lady1 who was very amiable1 much to my taste and the only person ,i saw with pleasure at the house of ,madam de ,warrens4 ,m4 d',aubonne saw me1 ,i was strongly recommended by his relation2 he promised1 therefore1 to question and see what ,i was fit for1 and1 if he found me capable to seek me a situation4 ,madam de ,warrens sent me to him two or three mornings1 under pretense of messages1 without acquainting me with her real intention4 ,he spoke to me gayly1 on various subjects1 without any appearance of observation2 his familiarity presently set me talking1 which by his cheerful and jesting manner he encouraged without restraint--,i was absolutely charmed with him4 ,the result of his observations was1 that notwithstanding the animation of my countenance1 and promising exterior1 if not absolutely silly1 ,i was a lad of very little sense1 and without ideas of learning2 in fine1 very ignorant in all respects1 and if ,i could arrive at being curate of some village1 it was the utmost honor ,i ought ever to aspire to4 ,such was the account he gave of me to ,madam de ,warrens4 ,this was not the first time such an opinion had been formed of me1 neither was it the last2 the judgment of ,m4 ,masseron having been repeatedly confirmed4 ,the cause of these opinions is too much connected with my character not to need a particular explanation2 for it will not be supposed that ,i can in conscience subscribe to them2 and with all possible impartiality1 whatever ,m4 ,masseron1 ,m4 d',aubonne and many others may have said1 ,i cannot help thinking them mistaken4 ,two things very opposite1 unite in me1 and in a manner which ,i cannot myself conceive4 ,my disposition is extremely ardent1 my passions lively and impetuous1 yet my ideas are produced slowly1 with great embarrassment and after much afterthought4 ,it might be said my heart and understanding do not belong to the same individual4 ,a sentiment takes possession of my soul with the rapidity of lightning1 but instead of illuminating1 it dazzles and confounds me2 ,i feel all1 but see nothing2 ,i am warm1 but stupid2 to think ,i must be cool4 ,what is astonishing1 my conception is clear and penetrating1 if not hurried3 ,i can make excellent impromptus at leisure1 but on the instant1 could never say or do anything worth notice4 ,i could hold a tolerable conversation by the post1 as they say the ,spaniards play at chess1 and when ,i read that anecdote of a duke of ,savoy1 who turned himself round1 while on a journey1 to cry out 'a votre gorge1 marchand de ,paris6' ,i said1 ,here is a trait of my character6 ,this slowness of thought1 joined to vivacity of feeling1 ,i am not only sensible of in conversation1 but even alone4 ,when ,i write1 my ideas are arranged with the utmost difficulty4 ,they glance on my imagination and ferment till they discompose1 heat1 and bring on a palpitation2 during this state of agitation1 ,i see nothing properly1 cannot write a single word1 and must wait till it is over4 ,insensibly the agitation subsides1 the chaos acquires form1 and each circumstance takes its proper place4 ,have you never seen an opera in ,italy8 where during the change of scene everything is in confusion1 the decorations are intermingled1 and any one would suppose that all would be overthrown2 yet by little and little1 everything is arranged1 nothing appears wanting1 and we feel surprised to see the tumult succeeded by the most delightful spectacle4 ,this is a resemblance of what passes in my brain when ,i attempt to write2 had ,i always waited till that confusion was past1 and then painted1 in their natural beauties1 the objects that had presented themselves1 few authors would have surpassed me4 ,thence arises the extreme difficulty ,i find in writing2 my manuscripts1 blotted1 scratched1 and scarcely legible1 attest the trouble they cost me2 nor is there one of them but ,i have been obliged to transcribe four or five times before it went to press4 ,never could ,i do anything when placed at a table1 pen in hand2 it must be walking among the rocks1 or in the woods2 it is at night in my bed1 during my wakeful hours1 that ,i compose2 it may be judged how slowly1 particularly for a man who has not the advantage of verbal memory1 and never in his life could retain by heart six verses4 ,some of my periods ,i have turned and returned in my head five or six nights before they were fit to be put to paper3 thus it is that ,i succeed better in works that require laborious attention1 than those that appear more trivial1 such as letters1 in which ,i could never succeed1 and being obliged to write one is to me a serious punishment2 nor can ,i express my thoughts on the most trivial subjects without it costing me hours of fatigue4 ,if ,i write immediately what strikes me1 my letter is a long1 confused1 unconnected string of expressions1 which1 when read1 can hardly be understood4 ,it is not only painful to me to give language to my ideas but even to receive them4 ,i have studied mankind1 and think myself a tolerable observer1 yet ,i know nothing from what ,i see1 but all from what ,i remember1 nor have ,i understanding except in my recollections4 ,from all that is said1 from all that passes in my presence1 ,i feel nothing1 conceive nothing1 the exterior sign being all that strikes me2 afterwards it returns to my remembrance2 ,i recollect the place1 the time1 the manner1 the look1 and gesture1 not a circumstance escapes me2 it is then1 from what has been done or said1 that ,i imagine what has been thought1 and ,i have rarely found myself mistaken4 ,so little master of my understanding when alone1 let any one judge what ,i must be in conversation1 where to speak with any degree of ease you must think of a thousand things at the same time3 the bare idea that ,i should forget something material would be sufficient to intimidate me4 ,nor can ,i comprehend how people can have the confidence to converse in large companies1 where each word must pass in review before so many1 and where it would be requisite to know their several characters and histories to avoid saying what might give offence4 ,in this particular1 those who frequent the world would have a great advantage1 as they know better where to be silent1 and can speak with greater confidence2 yet even they sometimes let fall absurdities2 in what predicament then must he be who drops as it were from the clouds8 it is almost impossible he should speak ten minutes with impunity4 ,in a tete-a-tete there is a still worse inconvenience2 that is2 the necessity of talking perpetually1 at least1 the necessity of answering when spoken to1 and keeping up the conversation when the other is silent4 ,this insupportable constraint is alone sufficient to disgust me with variety1 for ,i cannot form an idea of a greater torment than being obliged to speak continually without time for recollection4 ,i know not whether it proceeds from my mortal hatred of all constraint2 but if ,i am obliged to speak1 ,i infallibly talk nonsense4 ,what is still worse1 instead of learning how to be silent when ,i have absolutely nothing to say1 it is generally at such times that ,i have a violent inclination3 and endeavoring to pay my debt of conversation as speedily as possible1 ,i hastily gabble a number of words without ideas1 happy when they only chance to mean nothing2 thus endeavoring to conquer or hide my incapacity1 ,i rarely fail to show it4 ,i think ,i have said enough to show that1 though not a fool1 ,i have frequently passed for one1 even among people capable of judging2 this was the more vexatious1 as my physiognomy and eyes promised otherwise1 and expectation being frustrated1 my stupidity appeared the more shocking4 ,this detail1 which a particular occasion gave birth to1 will not be useless in the sequel1 being a key to many of my actions which might otherwise appear unaccountable2 and have been attributed to a savage humor ,i do not possess4 ,i love society as much as any man1 was ,i not certain to exhibit myself in it1 not only disadvantageously1 but totally different from what ,i really am4 ,the plan ,i have adopted of writing and retirement1 is what exactly suits me4 ,had ,i been present1 my worth would never have been known1 no one would even have suspected it2 thus it was with ,madam ,dupin1 a woman of sense1 in whose house ,i lived for several years2 indeed1 she has often since owned it to me3 though on the whole this rule may be subject to some exceptions4 ,i shall now return to my history4 ,the estimate of my talents thus fixed1 the situation ,i was capable of promised1 the question only remained how to render her capable of fulfilling my destined vocation4 ,the principle difficulty was1 ,i did not know ,latin enough for a priest4 ,madam de ,warrens determined to have me taught for some time at the seminary1 and accordingly spoke of it to the ,superior1 who was a ,lazarist1 called ,m4 ,gras1 a good-natured little fellow1 half blind1 meagre1 gray-haired1 insensible1 and the least pedantic of any ,lazarist ,i ever knew2 which1 in fact1 is saying no great matter4 ,he frequently visited ,madam de ,warrens1 who entertained1 caressed1 and made much of him1 letting him sometimes lace her stays1 an office he was willing enough to perform4 ,while thus employed1 she would run about the room1 this way or that1 as occasion happened to call her4 ,drawn by the lace1 ,monsieur the ,superior followed1 grumbling1 repeating at every moment1 ,pray1 madam1 do stand still2 the whole forming a scene truly diverting4 ,m4 ,gras willingly assented to the project of ,madam de ,warrens1 and1 for a very moderate pension1 charged himself with the care of instructing me4 ,the consent of the bishop was all that remained necessary1 who not only granted it1 but offered to pay the pension1 permitting me to retain the secular habit till they could judge by a trial what success they might have in my improvement4 ,what a change6 but ,i was obliged to submit2 though ,i went to the seminary with about the same spirits as if they had been taking me to execution4 ,what a melancholy abode6 especially for one who left the house of a pretty woman4 ,i carried one book with me1 that ,i had borrowed of ,madam de ,warrens1 and found it a capital resource6 it will not be easily conjectured what kind of book this was--it was a music book4 ,among the talents she had cultivated1 music was not forgotten2 she had a tolerable good voice1 sang agreeably1 and played on the harpsichord4 ,she had taken the pains to give me some lessons in singing1 though before ,i was very uninformed in that respect1 hardly knowing the music of our psalms4 ,eight or ten interrupted lessons1 far from putting me in a condition to improve myself1 did not teach me half the notes2 notwithstanding1 ,i had such a passion for the art1 that ,i determined to exercise myself alone4 ,the book ,i took was not of the most easy kind2 it was the cantatas of ,clerambault4 ,it may be conceived with what attention and perseverance ,i studied1 when ,i inform my reader1 that without knowing anything of transposition or quantity1 ,i contrived to sing with tolerable correctness1 the first recitative and air in the cantata of ,alpheus and ,arethusa2 it is true this air is1 so justly set1 that it is only necessary to recite the verses in their just measure to catch the music4 ,there was at the seminary a curst ,lazarist1 who by undertaking to teach me ,latin made me detest it4 ,his hair was coarse1 black and greasy1 his face like those formed in gingerbread1 he had the voice of a buffalo1 the countenance of an owl1 and the bristles of a boar in lieu of a beard2 his smile was sardonic1 and his limbs played like those of a puppet moved by wires4 ,i have forgotten his odious name1 but the remembrance of his frightful precise countenance remains with me1 though hardly can ,i recollect it without trembling2 especially when ,i call to mind our meeting in the gallery1 when he graciously advanced his filthy square cap as a sign for me to enter his apartment1 which appeared more dismal in my apprehension than a dungeon4 ,let any one judge the contrast between my present master and the elegant ,abbe de ,gauvon4 ,had ,i remained two months at the mercy of this monster1 ,i am certain my head could not have sustained it2 but the good ,m4 ,gras1 perceiving ,i was melancholy1 grew thin1 and did not eat my victuals1 guessed the cause of my uneasiness 7which indeed was not very difficult7 and taking me from the claws of this beast1 by another yet more striking contrast1 placed me with the gentlest of men1 a young ,faucigneran abbe1 named ,m4 ,gatier1 who studied at the seminary1 and out of complaisance for ,m4 ,gras1 and humanity to myself1 spared some time from the prosecution of his own studies in order to direct mine4 ,never did ,i see a more pleasing countenance than that of ,m4 ,gatier4 ,he was fair complexioned1 his beard rather inclined to red2 his behavior like that of the generality of his countrymen 7who under a coarseness of countenance conceal much understanding71 marked in him a truly sensible and affectionate soul4 ,in his large blue eyes there was a mixture of softness1 tenderness1 and melancholy1 which made it impossible to see him without feeling one's self interested4 ,from the looks and manner of this young abbe he might have been supposed to have foreseen his destiny1 and that he was born to be unhappy4 ,his disposition did not belie his physiognomy3 full of patience and complaisance1 he rather appeared to study with than to instruct me4 ,so much was not necessary to make me love him1 his predecessor having rendered that very easy2 yet1 notwithstanding all the time he bestowed on me1 notwithstanding our mutual good inclinations1 and that his plan of teaching was excellent1 with much labor1 ,i made little progress4 ,it is very singular1 that with a clear conception ,i could never learn much from masters except my father and ,m4 ,lambercier2 the little ,i know besides ,i have learned alone1 as will be seen hereafter4 ,my spirit1 impatient of every species of constraint1 cannot submit to the law of the moment2 even the fear of not learning prevents my being attentive1 and a dread of wearying those who teach1 makes me feign to understand them2 thus they proceed faster than ,i can comprehend1 and the conclusion is ,i learn nothing4 ,my understanding must take its own time and cannot submit to that of another4 ,the time of ordination being arrived1 ,m4 ,gatier returned to his province as deacon1 leaving me with gratitude1 attachment1 and sorrow for his loss4 ,the vows ,i made for him were no more answered than those ,i offered for myself4 ,some years after1 ,i learned1 that being vicar of a parish1 a young girl was with child by him1 being the only one 7though he possessed a very tender heart7 with whom he was ever in love4 ,this was a dreadful scandal in a diocese severely governed1 where the priests 7being under good regulation7 ought never to have children--except by married women4 ,having infringed this politic law1 he was put in prison1 defamed1 and driven from his benefice4 ,i know not whether it was ever after in his power to reestablish his affairs2 but the remembrance of his misfortunes1 which were deeply engraven on my heart1 struck me when ,i wrote ,emilius1 and uniting ,m4 ,gatier with ,m4 ,gaime1 ,i formed from these two worthy priests the character of the ,savoyard ,vicar1 and flatter myself the imitation has not dishonored the originals4 ,while ,i was at the seminary1 ,m4 d',aubonne was obliged to quit ,annecy1 ,moultou being displeased that he made love to his wife1 which was acting like a dog in the manger1 for though ,madam ,moultou was extremely amiable1 he lived very ill with her1 treating her with such brutality that a separation was talked of4 ,moultou1 by repeated oppressions1 at length procured a dismissal from his employment3 he was a disagreeable man2 a mole could not be blacker1 nor an owl more knavish4 ,it is said the provincials revenge themselves on their enemies by songs2 ,m4 d',aubonne revenged himself on his by a comedy1 which he sent to ,madam de ,warrens1 who showed it to me4 ,i was pleased with it1 and immediately conceived the idea of writing one1 to try whether ,i was so silly as the author had pronounced me4 ,this project was not executed till ,i went to ,chambery1 where ,i wrote ',the ,lover of ,himself'4 ,thus when ,i said in the preface to that piece1 it was written at eighteen1 ,i cut off a few years4 ,nearly about this time an event happened1 not very important in itself1 but whose consequence affected me1 and made a noise in the world when ,i had forgotten it4 ,once a week ,i was permitted to go out2 it is not necessary to say what use ,i made of this liberty4 ,being one ,sunday at ,madam de ,warrens1 a building belonging to the ,cordeliers1 which joined her house1 took fire2 this building which contained their oven1 being full of dry fagots1 blazed violently and greatly endangered the house2 for the wind happening to drive the flames that way1 it was covered with them4 ,the furniture1 therefore1 was hastily got out and carried into the garden which fronted the windows1 on the other side the before-mentioned brook4 ,i was so alarmed that ,i threw indiscriminately everything that came to hand out of the window1 even to a large stone mortar1 which at another time ,i should have found it difficult to remove1 and should have thrown a handsome looking-glass after it had not some one prevented me4 ,the good bishop1 who that day was visiting ,madam de ,warrens1 did not remain idle2 he took her into the garden1 where they went to prayers with the rest that were assembled there1 and where sometime afterwards1 ,i found them on their knees1 and presently joined them4 ,while the good man was at his devotions1 the wind changed1 so suddenly and critically1 that the flames which had covered the house and began to enter the windows1 were carried to the other side of the court1 and the house received no damage4 ,two years after1 ,monsieur de ,berner being dead1 the ,antoines1 his former brethren1 began to collect anecdotes which might serve as arguments of his beatification2 at the desire of ,father ,baudet1 ,i joined to these an attestation of what ,i have just related1 in doing which1 though ,i attested no more than the truth1 ,i certainly acted ill1 as it tended to make an indifferent occurrence pass for a miracle4 ,i had seen the bishop in prayer1 and had likewise seen the wind change during the prayer1 and even much to the purpose1 all this ,i could certify truly2 but that one of these facts was the cause of the other1 ,i ought not to have attested1 because it is what ,i could not possibly be assured of4 ,thus much ,i may say1 that as far as ,i can recollect what my ideas were at that time1 ,i was sincerely1 and in good earnest a ,catholic4 ,love of the marvellous is natural to the human heart2 my veneration for the virtuous prelate1 and secret pride in having1 perhaps1 contributed to the event in question1 all helped to seduce me2 and certainly1 if this miracle was the effect of ardent prayer1 ,i had a right to claim a share of the merits4 ,more than thirty years after1 when ,i published the ',lettres de la ,montagne'1 ,m4 ,feron 7,i know not by what means7 discovered this attestation1 and made use of it in his paper4 ,i must confess the discovery was very critically timed1 and appeared very diverting1 even to me4 ,i was destined to be the outcast of every condition2 for notwithstanding ,m4 ,gatier gave the most favorable account he possibly could of my studies1 they plainly saw the improvement ,i received bore no proportion to the pains taken to instruct me1 which was no encouragement to continue them3 the bishop and superior1 therefore1 were disheartened1 and ,i was sent back to ,madam de ,warrens1 as a subject not even fit to make a priest of2 but as they allowed1 at the same time1 that ,i was a tolerably good lad1 and far from being vicious1 this account counterbalanced the former1 and determined her not to abandon me4 ,i carried back in triumph the dear music book1 which had been so useful to me1 the air of ,alpheus and ,arethusa being almost all ,i had learned at the seminary4 ,my predilection for this art started the idea of making a musician of1 me4 ,a convenient opportunity offered2 once a week1 at least1 she had a concert at her house1 and the music-master from the cathedral1 who directed this little band1 came frequently to see her4 ,this was a ,parisian1 named ,m4 le ,maitre1 a good composer1 very lively1 gay1 young1 well made1 of little understanding1 but1 upon the whole1 a good sort of man4 ,madam de ,warrens made us acquainted2 ,i attached myself to him1 and he seemed not displeased with me4 ,a pension was talked of1 and agreed on2 in short1 ,i went home with him1 and passed the winter the more agreeably at his chambers1 as they were not above twenty paces distant from ,madam de ,warrens'1 where we frequently supped together4 ,it may easily be supposed that this situation1 ever gay1 and singing with the musicians and children of the choir1 was more pleasing to me than the seminary and fathers of ,st4 ,lazarus4 ,this life1 though free1 was regular2 here ,i learned to prize independence1 but never to abuse it4 ,for six whole months ,i never once went out except to see ,madam de ,warrens1 or to church1 nor had ,i any inclination to it4 ,this interval is one of those in which ,i enjoyed the greatest satisfaction1 and which ,i have ever recollected with pleasure4 ,among the various situations ,i have been placed in1 some were marked with such an idea of virtuous satisfaction1 that the bare remembrance affects me as if they were yet present4 ,i vividly recollect the time1 the place1 the persons1 and even the temperature of the air1 while the lively idea of a certain local impression peculiar to those times1 transports me back again to the very spot2 for example1 all that was repeated at our meetings1 all that was sung in the choir1 everything that passed there2 the beautiful and noble habits of the canons1 the chasubles of the priests1 the mitres of the singers1 the persons of the musicians2 an old lame carpenter who played the counter-bass1 a little fair abbe who performed on the violin1 the ragged cassock which ,m4 le ,maitre1 after taking off his sword1 used to put over his secular habit1 and the fine surplice with which he covered the rags of the former1 when he went to the choir2 the pride with which ,i held my little flute to my lips1 and seated myself in the orchestra1 to assist in a recitative which ,m4 le ,maitre had composed on purpose for me2 the good dinner that afterwards awaited us1 and the good appetites we carried to it4 ,this concourse of objects1 strongly retraced in my memory1 has charmed me a hundred time as much1 or perhaps more1 than ever the reality had done4 ,i have always preserved an affection for a certain air of the ',conditor alme ,syderum'1 because one ,sunday in ,advent ,i heard that hymn sung on the steps of the cathedral1 7according to the custom of that place7 as ,i lay in bed before daybreak4 ,mademoiselle ,merceret1 ,madam de ,warrens' chambermaid1 knew something of music2 ,i shall never forget a little piece that ,m4 le ,maitre made me sing with her1 and which her mistress listened to with great satisfaction4 ,in a word1 every particular1 even down to the servant ,perrine1 whom the boys of the choir took such delight in teasing4 ,the remembrance of these times of happiness and innocence frequently returning to my mind1 both ravish and affect me4 ,i lived at ,annecy during a year without the least reproach1 giving universal satisfaction4 ,since my departure from ,turin ,i had been guilty of no folly1 committed none while under the eye of ,madam de ,warrens4 ,she was my conductor1 and ever led me right2 my attachment for her became my only passion1 and what proves it was not a giddy one1 my heart and understanding were in unison4 ,it is true that a single sentiment1 absorbing all my faculties1 put me out of a capacity of learning even music3 but this was not my fault1 since to the strongest inclination1 ,i added the utmost assiduity4 ,i was attentive and thoughtful2 what could ,i do8 ,nothing was wanting towards my progress that depended on me2 meantime1 it only required a subject that might inspire me to occasion the commission of new follies3 that subject presented itself1 chance arranged it1 and 7as will be seen hereafter7 my inconsiderate head gave in to it4 ,one evening1 in the month of ,february1 when it was very cold1 being all sat round the fire1 we heard some one knock at the street door4 ,perrine took a light1 went down and opened it3 a young man entering1 came upstairs1 presented himself with an easy air1 and making ,m4 ,maitre a short1 but well-turned compliment1 announced himself as a ,french musician1 constrained by the state of his finances to take this liberty4 ,the hart of the good ,le ,maitre leaped at the name of a ,french musician1 for he passionately loved both his country and profession2 he therefore offered the young traveller his service--and use of his apartment1 which he appeared to stand much in need of1 and which he accepted without much ceremony4 ,i observed him while he was chatting and warming himself before supper2 he was short and thick1 having some fault in his shape1 though without any particular deformity2 he had 7if ,i may so express myself7 an appearance of being hunchbacked1 with flat shoulders1 and ,i think he limped4 ,he wore a black coat1 rather worn than old1 which hung in tatters1 a very fine but dirty shirt1 frayed ruffles2 a pair of splatterdashes so large that he could have put both legs into either of them1 and1 to secure himself from the snow1 a little hat1 only fit to be carried under his arm4 ,with this whimsical equipage1 he had1 however1 something elegant in his manners and conversation2 his countenance was expressive and agreeable1 and he spoke with facility if not with modesty2 in short1 everything about him bore the mark of a young debauchee1 who did not crave assistance like a beggar1 but as a thoughtless madcap4 ,he told us his name was ,venture de ,villeneuve1 that he came from ,paris1 had lost his way1 and seeming to forget that he had announced himself for a musician1 added that he was going to ,grenoble to see a relation that was a member of ,parliament4 ,during supper we talked of music1 on which subject he spoke well3 he knew all the great virtuosi1 all the celebrated works1 all the actors1 actresses1 pretty women1 and powerful lords2 in short nothing was mentioned but what he seemed thoroughly acquainted with4 ,though no sooner was any topic started1 than by some drollery1 which set every one a-laughing1 he made them forget what had been said4 ,this was on a ,saturday2 the next day there was to be music at the cathedral3 ,m4 le ,maitre asked if he would sing there--,very willingly4--,what part would he chose8--,the counter-tenor3 and immediately began speaking of other things4 ,before he went to church they offered him his part to peruse1 but he did not even look at it4 ,this ,gasconade surprised ,le ,maitre --,you'll see1 said he1 whispering to me1 that he does not know a single note4--,i replied3 ,i am very much afraid of him4 ,i followed them into the church2 but was extremely uneasy1 and when they began1 my heart beat violently1 so much was ,i interested in his behalf4 ,i was presently out of pain3 he sung his two recitatives with all imaginable taste and judgment2 and what was yet more1 with a very agreeable voice4 ,i never enjoyed a more pleasing surprise4 ,after mass1 ,m4 ,venture received the highest compliments from the canons and musicians1 which he answered jokingly1 though with great grace4 ,m4 le ,maitre embraced him heartily2 ,i did the same2 he saw ,i was rejoiced at his success1 and appeared pleased at my satisfaction4 ,it will easily be surmised1 that after having been delighted with ,m4 ,bacle1 who had little to attract my admiration1 ,i should be infatuated with ,m4 ,venture1 who had education1 wit1 talents1 and a knowledge of the world1 and might be called an agreeable rake4 ,this was exactly what happened1 and would1 ,i believe1 have happened to any other young man in my place2 especially supposing him possessed of better judgment to distinguish merit1 and more propensity to be engaged by it2 for ,venture doubtless possessed a considerable share1 and one in particular1 very rare at his age1 namely1 that of never being in haste to display his talents4 ,it is true1 he boasted of many things he did not understand1 but of those he knew 7which were very numerous7 he said nothing1 patiently waiting some occasion to display them1 which he then did with ease1 though without forwardness1 and thus gave them more effect4 ,as there was ever some intermission between the proofs of his various abilities1 it was impossible to conjecture whether he had ever discovered all his talents4 ,playful1 giddy1 inexhaustible1 seducing in conversation1 ever smiling1 but never laughing1 and repeating the rudest things in the most elegant manner--even the most modest women were astonished at what they endured from him3 it was in vain for them to determine to be angry2 they could not assume the appearance of it4 ,it was extraordinary that with so many agreeable talents1 in a country where they are so well understood1 and so much admired1 he so long remained only a musician4 ,my attachment to ,m4 ,venture1 more reasonable in its cause1 was also less extravagant in its effects1 though more lively and durable than that ,i had conceived for ,m4 ,bacle4 ,i loved to see him1 to hear him1 all his actions appeared charming1 everything he said was an oracle to me1 but the enchantment did not extend far enough to disable me from quitting him4 ,i spoke of him with transport to ,madam de ,warrens1 ,le ,maitre likewise spoke in his praise1 and she consented we should bring him to her house4 ,this interview did not succeed2 he thought her affected1 she found him a libertine1 and1 alarmed that ,i had formed such an ill acquaintance1 not only forbade me bringing him there again1 but likewise painted so strongly the danger ,i ran with this young man1 that ,i became a little more circumspect in giving in to the attachment2 and very happily1 both for my manners and wits1 we were soon separated4 ,m4 le ,maitre1 like most of his profession1 loved good wine2 at table he was moderate1 but when busy in his closet he must drink4 ,his maid was so well acquainted with this humor that no sooner had he prepared his paper to compose1 and taken his violoncello1 than the bottle and glass arrived1 and was replenished from time to time3 thus1 without being ever absolutely intoxicated1 he was usually in a state of elevation4 ,this was really unfortunate1 for he had a good heart1 and was so playful that ,madam de ,warrens used to call him the kitten4 ,unhappily1 he loved his profession1 labored much and drank proportionately1 which injured his health1 and at length soured his temper4 ,sometimes he was gloomy and easily offended1 though incapable of rudeness1 or giving offence to any one1 for never did he utter a harsh word1 even to the boys of the choir3 on the other hand1 he would not suffer another to offend him1 which was but just3 the misfortune was1 having little understanding1 he did not properly discriminate1 and was often angry without cause4 ,the ,chapter of ,geneva1 where so many princes and bishops formerly thought it an honor to be seated1 though in exile it lost its ancient splendor1 retained 7without any diminution7 its pride4 ,to be admitted1 you must either be a gentleman or ,doctor of ,sorbonne4 ,if there is a pardonable pride1 after that derived from personal merit1 it is doubtless that arising from birth1 though1 in general1 priests having laymen in their service treat them with sufficient haughtiness1 and thus the canons behaved to poor ,le ,maitre4 ,the chanter1 in particular1 who was called the ,abbe de ,vidonne1 in other respects a well-behaved man1 but too full of his nobility1 did not always show him the attention his talents merited4 ,m4 le ,maitre could not bear these indignities patiently2 and this year1 during passion week1 they had a more serious dispute than ordinary4 ,at an institution dinner that the bishop gave the canons1 and to which ,m4 ,maitre was always invited1 the abbe failed in some formality1 adding1 at the same time1 some harsh words1 which the other could not digest2 he instantly formed the resolution to quit them the following night2 nor could any consideration make him give up his design1 though ,madam de ,warrens 7whom he went to take leave of7 spared no pains to appease him4 ,he could not relinquish the pleasure of leaving his tyrants embarrassed for the ,easter feast1 at which time he knew they stood in greatest need of him4 ,he was most concerned about his music1 which he wished to take with him2 but this could not easily be accomplished1 as it filled a large case1 and was very heavy1 and could not be carried under the arm4 ,madam de ,warrens did what ,i should have done in her situation2 and indeed1 what ,i should yet do3 after many useless efforts to retain him1 seeing he was resolved to depart1 whatever might be the event1 she formed the resolution to give him every possible assistance4 ,i must confess ,le ,maitre deserved it of her1 for he was 7if ,i may use the expression7 dedicated to her service1 in whatever appertained to either his art or knowledge1 and the readiness with which he obliged gave a double value to his complaisance3 thus she only paid back1 on an essential occasion1 the many favors he had been long conferring on her2 though ,i should observe1 she possessed a soul that1 to fulfill such duties1 had no occasion to be reminded of previous obligations4 ,accordingly she ordered me to follow ,le ,maitre to ,lyons1 and to continue with him as long as he might have occasion for my services4 ,she has since avowed1 that a desire of detaching me from ,venture had a great hand in this arrangement4 ,she consulted ,claude ,anet about the conveyance of the above-mentioned case4 ,he advised1 that instead of hiring a beast at ,annecy1 which would infallibly discover us1 it would be better1 at night1 to take it to some neighboring village1 and there hire an ass to carry it to ,seyssel1 which being in the ,french dominions1 we should have nothing to fear4 ,this plan was adopted2 we departed the same night at seven1 and ,madam de ,warrens1 under pretense of paying my expenses1 increased the purse of poor ,le ,maitre by an addition that was very acceptable4 ,claude ,anet1 the gardiner1 and myself1 carried the case to the first village1 then hired an ass1 and the same night reached ,seyssel4 ,i think ,i have already remarked that there are times in which ,i am so unlike myself that ,i might be taken for a man of a direct opposite disposition2 ,i shall now give an example of this4 ,m4 ,reydelet1 curate of ,seyssel1 was canon of ,st4 ,peter's1 consequently known to ,m4 le ,maitre1 and one of the people from whom he should have taken most pains to conceal himself2 my advice1 on the contrary1 was to present ourselves to him1 and1 under some pretext1 entreat entertainment as if we visited him by consent of the chapter4 ,le ,maitre adopted the idea1 which seemed to give his revenge the appearance of satire and waggery2 in short1 we went boldly to ,reydelet1 who received us very kindly4 ,le ,maitre told him he was going to ,bellay by desire of the bishop1 that he might superintend the music during the ,easter holidays1 and that he proposed returning that way in a few days4 ,to support this tale1 ,i told a hundred others1 so naturally that ,m4 ,reydelet thought me a very agreeable youth1 and treated me with great friendship and civility4 ,we were well regaled and well lodged3 ,m4 ,reydelet scarcely knew how to make enough of us2 and we parted the best friends in the world1 with a promise to stop longer on our return4 ,we found it difficult to refrain from laughter1 or wait till we were alone to give free vent to our mirth3 indeed1 even now1 the bare recollection of it forces a smile1 for never was waggery better or more fortunately maintained4 ,this would have made us merry during the remainder of our journey1 if ,m4 le ,maitre 7who did not cease drinking7 had not been two or three times attacked with a complaint that he afterwards became very subject to1 and which resembled an epilepsy4 ,these fits threw me into the most fearful embarrassments1 from which ,i resolved to extricate myself with the first opportunity4 ,according to the information given to ,m4 ,reydelet1 we passed our ,easter holidays at ,bellay1 and though not expected there1 were received by the music--master1 and welcomed by every one with great pleasure4 ,m4 le ,maitre was of considerable note in his profession1 and1 indeed1 merited that distinction4 ,the music-master of ,bellay 7who was fond of his own works7 endeavored to obtain the approbation of so good a judge2 for besides being a connoisseur1 ,m4 le ,maitre was equitable1 neither a jealous1 ill-natured critic1 nor a servile flatterer4 ,he was so superior to the generality of country music-masters and they were so sensible of it1 that they treated him rather as their chief than a brother musician4 ,having passed four or five days very agreeably at ,bellay1 we departed1 and continuing our journey without meeting with any accidents1 except those ,i have just spoken of1 arrived at ,lyons1 and were lodged at ,notre ,dame de ,pitie4 ,while we waited for the arrival of the before-mentioned case 7which by the assistance of another lie1 and the care of our good patron1 ,m4 ,reydelet1 we had embarked on the ,rhone7 ,m4 le ,maitre went to visit his acquaintance1 and among others ,father ,cato1 a ,cordelier1 who will be spoken of hereafter1 and the ,abbe ,dortan1 ,count of ,lyons1 both of whom received him well1 but afterwards betrayed him1 as will be seen presently2 indeed1 his good fortune terminated with ,m4 ,reydelet4 ,two days after our arrival at ,lyons1 as we passed a little street not far from our inn1 ,le ,maitre was attacked by one of his fits2 but it was now so violent as to give me the utmost alarm4 ,i screamed with terror1 called for help1 and naming our inn1 entreated some one to bear him to it1 then 7while the people were assembled1 and busy round a man that had fallen senseless in the street7 he was abandoned by the only friend on whom he could have any reasonable dependence2 ,i seized the instant when no one heeded me1 turned the corner of the street and disappeared4 ,thanks to ,heaven1 ,i have made my third painful confession2 if many such remained1 ,i should certainly abandon the work ,i have undertaken4 ,of all the incidents ,i have yet related1 a few traces are remaining in the places where ,i have lived2 but what ,i have to relate in the following book is almost entirely unknown2 these are the greatest extravagancies of my life1 and it is happy they had not worse conclusions4 ,my head1 7if ,i may use the simile7 screwed up to the pitch of an instrument it did not naturally accord with1 had lost its diapason2 in time it returned to it again1 when ,i discontinued my follies1 or at least gave in to those more consonant to my disposition4 ,this epoch of my youth ,i am least able to recollect1 nothing having passed sufficiently interesting to influence my heart1 to make me clearly retrace the remembrance4 ,in so many successive changes1 it is difficult not to make some transpositions of time or place4 ,i write absolutely from memory1 without notes or materials to help my recollection4 ,some events are as fresh in my idea as if they had recently happened1 but there are certain chasms which ,i cannot fill up but by the aid of recital1 as confused as the remaining traces of those to which they refer4 ,it is possible1 therefore1 that ,i may have erred in trifles1 and perhaps shall again1 but in every matter of importance ,i can answer that the account is faithfully exact1 and with the same veracity the reader may depend ,i shall be careful to continue it4 ,my resolution was soon taken after quitting ,le ,maitre2 ,i set out immediately for ,annecy4 ,the cause and mystery of our departure had interested me for the security of our retreat3 this interest1 which entirely employed my thoughts for some days1 had banished every other idea2 but no sooner was ,i secure and in tranquility1 than my predominant sentiment regained its place4 ,nothing flattered1 nothing tempted me1 ,i had no wish but to return to ,madam de ,warrens2 the tenderness and truth of my attachment to her had rooted from my heart every imaginable project1 and all the follies of ambition1 ,i conceived no happiness but living near her1 nor could ,i take a step without feeling that the distance between us was increased4 ,i returned1 therefore1 as soon as possible1 with such speed1 and with my spirits in such a state of agitation1 that though ,i recall with pleasure all my other travels1 ,i have not the least recollection of this1 only remembering my leaving ,lyons and reaching ,annecy4 ,let anyone judge whether this last event can have slipped my memory1 when informed that on my arrival ,i found ,madam de ,warrens was not there1 having set out for ,paris4 ,i was never well informed of the motives of this journey4 ,i am certain she would have told me had ,i asked her1 but never was man less curious to learn the secrets of his friend4 ,my heart is ever so entirely filled with the present1 or with past pleasures1 which become a principal part of my enjoyment1 that there is not a chink or corner for curiosity to enter4 ,all that ,i conceive from what ,i heard of it1 is1 that in the revolution caused at ,turin by the abdication of the ,king of ,sardinia1 she feared being forgotten1 and was willing by favor of the intrigues of ,m4 d' ,aubonne to seek the same advantage in the court of ,france1 where she has often told me she should1 have preferred it1 as the multiplicity of business there prevents your conduct from being so closely inspected4 ,if this was her business1 it is astonishing that on her return she was not ill received2 be that as it will1 she continued to enjoy her allowance without any interruption4 ,many people imagined she was charged with some secret commission1 either by the bishop1 who then had business at the court of ,france1 where he himself was soon after obliged to go1 or some one yet more powerful1 who knew how to insure her a gracious reception at her return4 ,if this was the case1 it is certain the ambassadress was not ill chosen1 since being young and handsome1 she had all the necessary qualifications to succeed in a negotiation4