,,the ,,confessions ,,of ,,jean ,,jacques ,,rousseau 7,in #ab books7 ,privately ,printed for the ,members of the ,aldus ,society ,london1 #aijc ,,book ,i4 ,,contents3 ,introduction--,s4,w4 ,orson ,book ,i4 ,,introduction4 ,among the notable books of later times-we may say1 without exaggeration1 of all time--must be reckoned ,the ,confessions of ,jean ,jacques ,rousseau4 ,it deals with leading personages and transactions of a momentous epoch1 when absolutism and feudalism were rallying for their last struggle against the modern spirit1 chiefly represented by ,voltaire1 the ,encyclopedists1 and ,rousseau himself--a struggle to which1 after many fierce intestine quarrels and sanguinary wars throughout ,europe and ,america1 has succeeded the prevalence of those more tolerant and rational principles by which the statesmen of our own day are actuated4 ,on these matters1 however1 it is not our province to enlarge2 nor is it necessary to furnish any detailed account of our author's political1 religious1 and philosophic axioms and systems1 his paradoxes and his errors in logic3 these have been so long and so exhaustively disputed over by contending factions that little is left for even the most assiduous gleaner in the field4 ,the inquirer will find1 in ,mr4 ,john ,money's excellent work1 the opinions of ,rousseau reviewed succinctly and impartially4 ,the ',contrat ,social'1 the ',lattres ,ecrites de la ,montagne'1 and other treatises that once aroused fierce controversy1 may therefore be left in the repose to which they have long been consigned1 so far as the mass of mankind is concerned1 though they must always form part of the library of the politician and the historian4 ,one prefers to turn to the man ,rousseau as he paints himself in the remarkable work before us4 ,that the task which he undertook in offering to show himself--as ,persius puts it--',intus et in cute'1 to posterity1 exceeded his powers1 is a trite criticism2 like all human enterprises1 his purpose was only imperfectly fulfilled2 but this circumstance in no way lessens the attractive qualities of his book1 not only for the student of history or psychology1 but for the intelligent man of the world4 ,its startling frankness gives it a peculiar interest wanting in most other autobiographies4 ,many censors have elected to sit in judgment on the failings of this strangely constituted being1 and some have pronounced upon him very severe sentences4 ,let it be said once for all that his faults and mistakes were generally due to causes over which he had but little control1 such as a defective education1 a too acute sensitiveness1 which engendered suspicion of his fellows1 irresolution1 an overstrained sense of honour and independence1 and an obstinate refusal to take advice from those who really wished to befriend him2 nor should it be forgotten that he was afflicted during the greater part of his life with an incurable disease4 ,lord ,byron had a soul near akin to ,rousseau's1 whose writings naturally made a deep impression on the poet's mind1 and probably had an influence on his conduct and modes of thought3 ,in some stanzas of ',childe ,harold' this sympathy is expressed with truth and power2 especially is the weakness of the ,swiss philosopher's character summed up in the following admirable lines3 ,here the self-torturing sophist1 wild ,rousseau1 ,the apostle of affliction1 he who threw ,enchantment over passion1 and from woe ,wrung overwhelming eloquence1 first drew ,the breath which made him wretched2 yet he knew ,how to make madness beautiful1 and cast ,o'er erring deeds and thoughts a heavenly hue ,of words1 like sunbeams1 dazzling as they passed ,the eyes1 which o'er them shed tears feelingly and fast4 ,his life was one long war with self-sought foes1 ,or friends by him self-banished2 for his mind ,had grown ,suspicion's sanctuary1 and chose1 ,for its own cruel sacrifice1 the kind1 ',gainst whom he raged with fury strange and blind4 ,but he was frenzied1-wherefore1 who may know8 ,since cause might be which skill could never find2 ,but he was frenzied by disease or woe ,to that worst pitch of all1 which wears a reasoning show4 ,one would rather1 however1 dwell on the brighter hues of the picture than on its shadows and blemishes2 let us not1 then1 seek to draw his frailties from their dread abode4 ,his greatest fault was his renunciation of a father's duty to his offspring2 but this crime he expiated by a long and bitter repentance4 ,we cannot1 perhaps1 very readily excuse the way in which he has occasionally treated the memory of his mistress and benefactress4 ,that he loved ,madame de ,warens--his ',mamma'--deeply and sincerely is undeniable1 notwithstanding which he now and then dwells on her improvidence and her feminine indiscretions with an unnecessary and unbecoming lack of delicacy that has an unpleasant effect on the reader1 almost seeming to justify the remark of one of his most lenient critics--that1 after all1 ,rousseau had the soul of a lackey4 ,he possessed1 however1 many amiable and charming qualities1 both as a man and a writer1 which were evident to those amidst whom he lived1 and will be equally so to the unprejudiced reader of the ,confessions4 ,he had a profound sense of justice and a real desire for the improvement and advancement of the race4 ,owing to these excellences he was beloved to the last even by persons whom he tried to repel1 looking upon them as members of a band of conspirators1 bent upon destroying his domestic peace and depriving him of the means of subsistence4 ,those of his writings that are most nearly allied in tone and spirit to the ',confessions' are the ',reveries d'un ,promeneur ,solitaire' and ',la ,nouvelle ,heloise'4 ,his correspondence throws much light on his life and character1 as do also parts of ',emile'4 ,it is not easy in our day to realize the effect wrought upon the public mind by the advent of ',la ,nouvelle ,heloise'4 ,julie and ,saint-,preux became names to conjure with2 their ill-starred amours were everywhere sighed and wept over by the tender-hearted fair2 indeed1 in composing this work1 ,rousseau may be said to have done for ,switzerland what the author of the ,waverly ,novels did for ,scotland1 turning its mountains1 lakes and islands1 formerly regarded with aversion1 into a fairyland peopled with creatures whose joys and sorrows appealed irresistibly to every breast4 ,shortly after its publication began to flow that stream of tourists and travellers which tends to make ,switzerland not only more celebrated but more opulent every year4 ,it1 is one of the few romances written in the epistolary form that do not oppress the reader with a sense of languor and unreality2 for its creator poured into its pages a tide of passion unknown to his frigid and stilted predecessors1 and dared to depict ,nature as she really is1 not as she was misrepresented by the modish authors and artists of the age4 ,some persons seem shy of owning an acquaintance with this work2 indeed1 it has been made the butt of ridicule by the disciples of a decadent school4 ,its faults and its beauties are on the surface2 ,rousseau's own estimate is freely expressed at the beginning of the eleventh book of the ,confessions and elsewhere4 ,it might be wished that the preface had been differently conceived and worded2 for the assertion made therein that the book may prove dangerous has caused it to be inscribed on a sort of ,index1 and good folk who never read a line of it blush at its name4 ,its sensibility1 too1 is a little overdone1 and has supplied the wits with opportunities for satire2 for example1 ,canning1 in his ',new ,morality'3 ,sweet ,sensibility1 who dwells enshrined ,in the fine foldins of the feeling mind4444 ,sweet child of sickly ,fancy6-her of yore ,from her loved ,france ,rousseau to exile bore2 ,and while 'midst lakes and mountains wild he ran1 ,full of himself1 and shunned the haunts of man1 ,taught her o'er each lone vale and ,alpine1 steep ,to lisp the story of his wrongs and weep4 ,as might be imagined1 ,voltaire had slight sympathy with our social reformer's notions and ways of promulgating them1 and accordingly took up his wonted weapons--sarcasm and ridicule--against poor ,jean-,jacques4 ,the quarrels of these two great men cannot be described in this place2 but they constitute an important chapter in the literary and social history of the time4 ,in the work with which we are immediately concerned1 the author seems to avoid frequent mention of ,voltaire1 even where we should most expect it4 ,however1 the state of his mind when he penned this record of his life should be always remembered in relation to this as well as other occurrences4 ,rousseau had intended to bring his autobiography down to a later date1 but obvious causes prevented this3 hence it is believed that a summary of the chief events that marked his closing years will not be out of place here4 ,on quitting the ,ile de ,saint-,pierre he travelled to ,strasbourg1 where he was warmly received1 and thence to ,paris1 arriving in that city on ,december ,i#f1 #agfe4 ,the ,prince de ,conti provided him with a lodging in the ,hotel ,saint-,simon1 within the precincts of the ,temple--a place of sanctuary for those under the ban of authority4 ',every one was eager to see the illustrious proscript1 who complained of being made a daily show1 like ,sancho ,panza in his island of ,barataria4 ,during his short stay in the capital there was circulated an ironical letter purporting to come from the ,great ,frederick1 but really written by ,horace ,walpole4 ,this cruel1 clumsy1 and ill-timed joke angered ,rousseau1 who ascribed it to1 ,voltaire4 ,a few sentences may be quoted3 ,my ,dear ,jean-,jacques1--,you have renounced ,geneva1 your native place4 ,you have caused your expulsion from ,switzerland1 a country so extolled in your writings2 ,france has issued a warrant against you3 so do you come to me4 ,my states offer you a peaceful retreat4 ,i wish you well1 and will treat you well1 if you will let me4 ,but1 if you persist in refusing my help1 do not reckon upon my telling any one that you did so4 ,if you are bent on tormenting your spirit to find new misfortunes1 choose whatever you like best4 ,i am a king1 and can procure them for you at your pleasure2 and1 what will certainly never happen to you in respect of your enemies1 ,i will cease to persecute you as soon as you cease to take a pride in being persecuted4 ,your good friend1 ,,frederick4 ,early in #agff ,david ,hume persuaded ,rousseau to go with him to ,england1 where the exile could find a secure shelter4 ,in ,london his appearance excited general attention4 ,edmund ,burke had an interview with him and held that inordinate vanity was the leading trait in his character4 ,mr4 ,davenport1 to whom he was introduced by ,hume1 generously offered ,rousseau a home at ,wootton1 in ,staffordshire1 near the1 ,peak ,country2 the latter1 however1 would only accept the offer on condition that he should pay a rent of ,l #cj a year4 ,he was accorded a pension of ,l #ajj by ,george ,,iii41 but declined to draw after the first annual payment4 ,the climate and scenery of ,wootton being similar to those of his native country1 he was at first delighted with his new abode1 where he lived with ,therese1 and devoted his time to herborising and inditing the first six books of his ,confessions4 ,soon1 however1 his old hallucinations acquired strength1 and ,rousseau convinced himself that enemies were bent upon his capture1 if not his death4 ,in ,june1 #agff1 he wrote a violent letter to ,hume1 calling him one of the worst of men4 ,literary ,paris had combined with ,hume and the ,english ,government to surround him--as he supposed --with guards and spies2 he revolved in his troubled mind all the reports and rumours he had heard for months and years2 ,walpole's forged letter rankled in his bosom2 and in the spring of #agfg he fled2 first to ,spalding1 in ,lincolnshire1 and subsequently to ,calais1 where he landed in ,may4 ,on his arrival in ,france his restless and wandering disposition forced him continually to change his residence1 and acquired for him the title of ,voyageur ,perpetuel4 ,while at ,trye1 in ,gisors1 in #agfg--h1 he wrote the second part of the ,confessions4 ,he had assumed the surname of ,renou1 and about this time he declared before two witnesses that ,therese was his wife--a proceeding to which he attached the sanctity of marriage4 ,in #aggj he took up his abode in ,paris1 where he lived continuously for seven years1 in a street which now bears his name1 and gained a living by copying music4 ,bernardin de ,saint-,pierre1 the author of ',paul and ,virginia'1 who became acquainted with him in #aggb1 has left some interesting particulars of ,rousseau's daily mode of life at this period4 ,monsieur de ,girardin having offered him an asylum at ,ermemonville in the spring of #aggh1 he and ,therese went thither to reside1 but for no long time4 ,on the #c;d of ,july1 in the same year1 this perturbed spirit at last found rest1 stricken by apoplexy4 ,a rumor that he had committed suicide was circulated1 but the evidence of trustworthy witnesses1 including a physician1 effectually contradicts this accusation4 ,his remains1 first interred in the ,ile des ,peupliers1 were1 after the ,revolution1 removed to the ,pantheon4 ,in later times the ,government of ,geneva made some reparation for their harsh treatment of a famous citizen1 and erected his statue1 modelled by his compatriot1 ,pradier1 on an island in the ,rhone4 ,see nations1 slowly wise and meanly just1 ,to buried merit raise the tardy bust4 ,november1 #ahif4 ,s4 ,w4 ,,orson4 ,,the ,,confessions ,,of ,j4 ,j4 ,,rousseau ,,book ,i4 ,i have entered upon a performance which is without example1 whose accomplishment will have no imitator4 ,i mean to present my fellow-mortals with a man in all the integrity of nature2 and this man shall be myself4 ,i know my heart1 and have studied mankind2 ,i am not made like any one ,i have been acquainted with1 perhaps like no one in existence2 if not better1 ,i at least claim originality1 and whether ,nature did wisely in breaking the mould with which she formed me1 can only be determined after having read this work4 ,whenever the last trumpet shall sound1 ,i will present myself before the sovereign judge with this book in my hand1 and loudly proclaim1 thus have ,i acted2 these were my thoughts2 such was ,i4 ,with equal freedom and veracity have ,i related what was laudable or wicked1 ,i have concealed no crimes1 added no virtues2 and if ,i have sometimes introduced superfluous ornament1 it was merely to occupy a void occasioned by defect of memory3 ,i may have supposed that certain1 which ,i only knew to be probable1 but have never asserted as truth1 a conscious falsehood4 ,such as ,i was1 ,i have declared myself2 sometimes vile and despicable1 at others1 virtuous1 generous and sublime2 even as thou hast read my inmost soul3 ,power eternal6 assemble round thy throne an innumerable throng of my fellow-mortals1 let them listen to my confessions1 let them blush at my depravity1 let them tremble at my sufferings2 let each in his turn expose with equal sincerity the failings1 the wanderings of his heart1 and1 if he dare1 aver1 ,i was better than that man4 ,i was born at ,geneva1 in #agab1 son of ,isaac ,rousseau and ,susannah ,bernard1 citizens4 ,my father's share of a moderate competency1 which was divided among fifteen children1 being very trivial1 his business of a watchmaker 7in which he had the reputation of great ingenuity7 was his only dependence4 ,my mother's circumstances were more affluent2 she was daughter of a ,mons4 ,bernard1 minister1 and possessed a considerable share of modesty and beauty2 indeed1 my father found some difficulty in obtaining her hand4 ,the affection they entertained for each other was almost as early as their existence2 at eight or nine years old they walked together every evening on the banks of the ,treille1 and before they were ten1 could not support the idea of separation4 ,a natural sympathy of soul confined those sentiments of predilection which habit at first produced2 born with minds susceptible of the most exquisite sensibility and tenderness1 it was only necessary to encounter similar dispositions2 that moment fortunately presented itself1 and each surrendered a willing heart4 ,the obstacles that opposed served only to give a decree of vivacity to their affection1 and the young lover1 not being able to obtain his mistress1 was overwhelmed with sorrow and despair4 ,she advised him to travel--to forget her4 ,he consented--he travelled1 but returned more passionate than ever1 and had the happiness to find her equally constant1 equally tender4 ,after this proof of mutual affection1 what could they resolve8--to dedicate their future lives to love6 the resolution was ratified with a vow1 on which ,heaven shed its benediction4 ,fortunately1 my mother's brother1 ,gabriel ,bernard1 fell in love with one of my father's sisters2 she had no objection to the match1 but made the marriage of his sister with her brother an indispensable preliminary4 ,love soon removed every obstacle1 and the two weddings were celebrated the same day3 thus my uncle became the husband of my aunt1 and their children were doubly cousins german4 ,before a year was expired1 both had the happiness to become fathers1 but were soon after obliged to submit to a separation4 ,my uncle ,bernard1 who was an engineer1 went to serve in the empire and ,hungary1 under ,prince ,eugene1 and distinguished himself both at the siege and battle of ,belgrade4 ,my father1 after the birth of my only brother1 set off1 on recommendation1 for ,constantinople1 and was appointed watchmaker to the ,seraglio4 ,during his absence1 the beauty1 wit1 and accomplishments-- ,they were too brilliant for her situation1 the minister1 her father1 having bestowed great pains on her education4 ,she was aught drawing1 singing1 and to play on the theorbo2 had learning1 and wrote very agreeable verses4 ,the following is an extempore piece which she composed in the absence of her husband and brother1 in a conversation with some person relative to them1 while walking with her sister--in--law1 and their two children3 ,ces deux messieurs1 qui sont absens1 ,nous sont chers e bien des manieres2 ,ce sont nos amiss1 nos amans1 ,ce sont nos maris et nos freres1 ,et les peres de ces enfans4 ,these absent ones1 who just claim ,our hearts1 by every tender name1 ,to whom each wish extends ,our husbands and our brothers are1 ,the fathers of this blooming pair1 ,our lovers and our friends4 of my mother attracted a number of admirers1 among whom ,mons4 de la ,closure1 ,resident of ,france1 was the most assiduous in his attentions4 ,his passion must have been extremely violent1 since after a period of thirty years ,i have seen him affected at the very mention of her name4 ,my mother had a defence more powerful even than her virtue2 she tenderly loved my father1 and conjured him to return2 his inclination seconding his request1 he gave up every prospect of emolument1 and hastened to ,geneva4 ,i was the unfortunate fruit of this return1 being born ten months after1 in a very weakly and infirm state2 my birth cost my mother her life1 and was the first of my misfortunes4 ,i am ignorant how my father supported her loss at that time1 but ,i know he was ever after inconsolable4 ,in me he still thought he saw her he so tenderly lamented1 but could never forget ,i had been the innocent cause of his misfortune1 nor did he ever embrace me1 but his sighs1 the convulsive pressure of his arms1 witnessed that a bitter regret mingled itself with his caresses1 though1 as may be supposed1 they were not on this account less ardent4 ,when he said to me1 ,jean ,jacques1 let us talk of your mother1 my usual reply was1 ,yes1 father1 but then1 you know1 we shall cry1 and immediately the tears started from his eyes4 ,ah6 exclaimed he1 with agitation1 ,give me back my wife2 at least console me for her loss2 fill up1 dear boy1 the void she has left in my soul4 ,could ,i love thee thus wert thou only my son8 ,forty years after this loss he expired in the arms of his second wife1 but the name of the first still vibrated on his lips1 still was her image engraved on his heart4 ,such were the authors of my being3 of all the gifts it had pleased ,heaven to bestow on them1 a feeling heart was the only one that descended to me2 this had been the source of their felicity1 it was the foundation of all my misfortunes4 ,i came into the world with so few signs of life1 that they entertained but little hope of preserving me1 with the seeds of a disorder that has gathered strength with years1 and from which ,i am now relieved at intervals1 only to suffer a different1 though more intolerable evil4 ,i owed my preservation to one of my father's sisters1 an amiable and virtuous girl1 who took the most tender care of me2 she is yet living1 nursing1 at the age of four--score1 a husband younger than herself1 but worn out with excessive drinking4 ,dear aunt6 ,i freely forgive your having preserved my life1 and only lament that it is not in my power to bestow on the decline of your days the tender solicitude and care you lavished on the first dawn of mine4 ,my nurse1 ,jaqueline1 is likewise living3 and in good health--the hands that opened my eyes to the light of this world may close them at my death4 ,we suffer before we think2 it is the common lot of humanity4 ,i experienced more than my proportion of it4 ,i have no knowledge of what passed prior to my fifth or sixth year2 ,i recollect nothing of learning to read1 ,i only remember what effect the first considerable exercise of it produced on my mind2 and from that moment ,i date an uninterrupted knowledge of myself4 ,every night1 after supper1 we read some part of a small collection of romances which had been my mother's4 ,my father's design was only to improve me in reading1 and he thought these entertaining works were calculated to give me a fondness for it2 but we soon found ourselves so interested in the adventures they contained1 that we alternately read whole nights together1 and could not bear to give over until at the conclusion of a volume4 ,sometimes1 in a morning1 on hearing the swallows at our window1 my father1 quite ashamed of this weakness1 would cry1 ,come1 come1 let us go to bed2 ,i am more a child than thou art4 ,i soon acquired1 by this dangerous custom1 not only an extreme facility in reading and comprehending1 but1 for my age1 a too intimate acquaintance with the passions4 ,an infinity of sensations were familiar to me1 without possessing any precise idea of the objects to which they related--,i had conceived nothing--,i had felt the whole4 ,this confused succession of emotions did not retard the future efforts of my reason1 though they added an extravagant1 romantic notion of human life1 which experience and reflection have never been able to eradicate4 ,my romance reading concluded with the summer of #agai1 the following winter was differently employed4 ,my mother's library being quite exhausted1 we had recourse to that part of her father's which had devolved to us2 here we happily found some valuable books1 which was by no means extraordinary1 having been selected by a minister that truly deserved that title1 in whom learning 7which was the rage of the times7 was but a secondary commendation1 his taste and good sense being most conspicuous4 ,the history of the ,church and ,empire by ,le ,sueur1 ,bossuett's ,discourses on ,universal ,history1 ,plutarch's ,lives1 the history of ,venice by ,nani1 ,ovid's ,metamorphoses1 ,la ,bruyere1 ,fontenelle's ,world1 his ,dialogues of the ,dead1 and a few volumes of ,moliere1 were soon ranged in my father's closet1 where1 during the hours he was employed in his business1 ,i daily read them1 with an avidity and taste uncommon1 perhaps unprecedented at my age4 ,plutarch presently became my greatest favorite4 ,the satisfaction ,i derived from repeated readings ,i gave this author1 extinguished my passion for romances1 and ,i shortly preferred ,agesilaus1 ,brutus1 and ,aristides1 to ,orondates1 ,artemenes1 and ,juba4 ,these interesting studies1 seconded by the conversations they frequently occasioned with my father1 produced that republican spirit and love of liberty1 that haughty and invincible turn of mind1 which rendered me impatient of restraint or servitude1 and became the torment of my life1 as ,i continually found myself in situations incompatible with these sentiments4 ,incessantly occupied with ,rome and ,athens1 conversing1 if ,i may so express myself with their illustrious heroes2 born the citizen of a republic1 of a father whose ruling passion was a love of his country1 ,i was fired with these examples2 could fancy myself a ,greek or ,roman1 and readily give into the character of the personage whose life ,i read2 transported by the recital of any extraordinary instance of fortitude or intrepidity1 animation flashed from my eyes1 and gave my voice additional strength and energy4 ,one day1 at table1 while relating the fortitude of ,scoevola1 they were terrified at seeing me start from my seat and hold my hand over a hot chafing--dish1 to represent more forcibly the action of that determined ,roman4 ,my brother1 who was seven years older than myself1 was brought up to my father's profession4 ,the extraordinary affection they lavished on me might be the reason he was too much neglected3 this certainly was a fault which cannot be justified4 ,his education and morals suffered by this neglect1 and he acquired the habits of a libertine before he arrived at an age to be really one4 ,my father tried what effect placing him with a master would produce1 but he still persisted in the same ill conduct4 ,though ,i saw him so seldom that it could hardly be said we were acquainted4 ,i loved him tenderly1 and believe he had as strong an affection for me as a youth of his dissipated turn of mind could be supposed capable of4 ,one day1 ,i remember1 when my father was correcting him severely1 ,i threw myself between them1 embracing my brother1 whom ,i covered with my body1 receiving the strokes designed for him2 ,i persisted so obstinately in my protection1 that either softened by my cries and tears1 or fearing to hurt me most1 his anger subsided1 and he pardoned his fault4 ,in the end1 my brother's conduct became so bad that he suddenly disappeared1 and we learned some time after that he was in ,germany1 but he never wrote to us1 and from that day we heard no news of him3 thus ,i became an only son4 ,if this poor lad was neglected1 it was quite different with his brother1 for the children of a king could not be treated with more attention and tenderness than were bestowed on my infancy1 being the darling of the family2 and what is rather uncommon1 though treated as a beloved1 never a spoiled child2 was never permitted1 while under paternal inspection1 to play in the street with other children2 never had any occasion to contradict or indulge those fantastical humors which are usually attributed to nature1 but are in reality the effects of an injudicious education4 ,i had the faults common to my age1 was talkative1 a glutton1 and sometimes a liar1 made no scruple of stealing sweetmeats1 fruits1 or1 indeed1 any kind of eatables2 but never took delight in mischievous waste1 in accusing others1 or tormenting harmless animals4 ,i recollect1 indeed1 that one day1 while ,madam ,clot1 a neighbor of ours1 was gone to church1 ,i made water in her kettle3 the remembrance even now makes me smile1 for ,madame ,clot 7though1 if you please1 a good sort of creature7 was one of the most tedious grumbling old women ,i ever knew4 ,thus have ,i given a brief1 but faithful1 history of my childish transgressions4 ,how could ,i become cruel or vicious1 when ,i had before my eyes only examples of mildness1 and was surrounded by some of the best people in the world8 ,my father1 my aunt1 my nurse1 my relations1 our friends1 our neighbors1 all ,i had any connection with1 did not obey me1 it is true1 but loved me tenderly1 and ,i returned their affection4 ,i found so little to excite my desires1 and those ,i had were so seldom contradicted1 that ,i was hardly sensible of possessing any1 and can solemnly aver ,i was an absolute stranger to caprice until after ,i had experienced the authority of a master4 ,those hours that were not employed in reading or writing with my father1 or walking with my governess1 ,jaqueline1 ,i spent with my aunt2 and whether seeing her embroider1 or hearing her sing1 whether sitting or standing by her side1 ,i was ever happy4 ,her tenderness and unaffected gayety1 the charms of her figure and countenance have left such indelible impressions on my mind1 that her manner1 look1 and attitude are still before my eyes2 ,i recollect a thousand little caressing questions2 could describe her clothes1 her head-dress1 nor have the two curls of fine black hair which hung on her temples1 according to the mode of that time1 escaped my memory4 ,though my taste1 or rather passion1 for music1 did not show itself until a considerable time after1 ,i am fully persuaded it is to her ,i am indebted for it4 ,she knew a great number of songs1 which she sung with great sweetness and melody4 ,the serenity and cheerfulness which were conspicuous in this lovely girl1 banished melancholy1 and made all round her happy4 ,the charms of her voice had such an effect on me1 that not only several of her songs have ever since remained on my memory1 but some ,i have not thought of from my infancy1 as ,i grow old1 return upon my mind with a charm altogether inexpressible4 ,would any one believe that an old dotard like me1 worn out with care and infirmity1 should sometime surprise himself weeping like a child1 and in a voice querulous1 and broken by age1 muttering out one of those airs which were the favorites of my infancy8 ,there is one song in particular1 whose tune ,i perfectly recollect1 but the words that compose the latter half of it constantly refuse every effort to recall them1 though ,i have a confused idea of the rhymes4 ,the beginning1 with what ,i have been able to recollect of the remainder1 is as follows3 ,tircis1 je n'ose ,ecouter ton ,chalumeau ,sous l',ormeau2 ,car on en cause ,deja dans notre hameau4 ---- ---- ------- ------ --- un ,berger s'engager sans danger1 ,et toujours l'epine est sons la rose4 ,i have endeavored to account for the invincible charm my heart feels on the recollection of this fragment1 but it is altogether inexplicable4 ,i only know1 that before ,i get to the end of it1 ,i always find my voice interrupted by tenderness1 and my eyes suffused with tears4 ,i have a hundred times formed the resolution of writing to ,paris for the remainder of these words1 if any one should chance to know them3 but ,i am almost certain the pleasure ,i take in the recollection would be greatly diminished was ,i assured any one but my poor aunt ,susan had sung them4 ,such were my affections on entering this life4 ,thus began to form and demonstrate itself1 a heart1 at once haughty and tender1 a character effeminate1 yet invincible2 which1 fluctuating between weakness and courage1 luxury and virtue1 has ever set me in contradiction to myself2 causing abstinence and enjoyment1 pleasure and prudence1 equally to shun me4 ,this course of education was interrupted by an accident1 whose consequences influenced the rest of my life4 ,my father had a quarrel with ,m4 ,g----1 who had a captain's commission in ,france1 and was related to several of the ,council4 ,this ,g----1 who was an insolent1 ungenerous man1 happening to bleed at the nose1 in order to be revenged1 accused my father of having drawn his sword on him in the city1 and in consequence of this charge they were about to conduct him to prison4 ,he insisted 7according to the law of this republic7 that the accuser should be confined at the same time2 and not being able to obtain this1 preferred a voluntary banishment for the remainder of his life1 to giving up a point by which he must sacrifice his honor and liberty4 ,i remained under the tuition of my uncle ,bernard1 who was at that time employed in the fortifications of ,geneva4 ,he had lost his eldest daughter1 but had a son about my own age1 and we were sent together to ,bossey1 to board with the ,minister ,lambercier4 ,here we were to learn ,latin1 with all the insignificant trash that has obtained the name of education4 ,two years spent in this village softened1 in some degree1 my ,roman fierceness1 and again reduced me to a state of childhood4 ,at ,geneva1 where nothing was exacted1 ,i loved reading1 which was1 indeed1 my principal amusement2 but1 at ,bossey1 where application was expected1 ,i was fond of play as a relaxation4 ,the country was so new1 so charming in my idea1 that it seemed impossible to find satiety in its enjoyments1 and ,i conceived a passion for rural life1 which time has not been able to extinguish2 nor have ,i ever ceased to regret the pure and tranquil pleasures ,i enjoyed at this place in my childhood2 the remembrance having followed me through every age1 even to that in which ,i am hastening again towards it4 ,m4 ,lambercier was a worthy1 sensible man1 who1 without neglecting our instruction1 never made our acquisitions burthensome1 or tasks tedious4 ,what convinces me of the rectitude of his method is1 that notwithstanding my extreme aversion to restraint1 the recollection of my studies is never attended with disgust2 and1 if my improvement was trivial1 it was obtained with ease1 and has never escaped memory4 ,the simplicity of this rural life was of infinite advantage in opening my heart to the reception of true friendship4 ,the sentiments ,i had hitherto formed on this subject were extremely elevated1 but altogether imaginary4 ,the habit of living in this peaceful manner soon united me tenderly to my cousin ,bernard2 my affection was more ardent than that ,i had felt for my brother1 nor has time ever been able to efface it4 ,he was a tall1 lank1 weakly boy1 with a mind as mild as his body was feeble1 and who did not wrong the good opinion they were disposed to entertain for the son of my guardian4 ,our studies1 amusements1 and tasks1 were the same2 we were alone2 each wanted a playmate2 to separate would in some measure1 have been to annihilate us4 ,though we had not many opportunities of demonstrating our attachment to each other1 it was certainly extreme2 and so far from enduring the thought of separation1 we could not even form an idea that we should ever be able to submit to it4 ,each of a disposition to be won by kindness1 and complaisant1 when not soured by contradiction1 we agreed in every particular4 ,if1 by the favor of those who governed us he had the ascendant while in their presence1 ,i was sure to acquire it when we were alone1 and this preserved the equilibrium so necessary in friendship4 ,if he hesitated in repeating his task1 ,i prompted him2 when my exercises were finished1 ,i helped to write his2 and1 in our amusements1 my disposition being most active1 ever had the lead4 ,in a word1 our characters accorded so well1 and the friendship that subsisted between us was so cordial1 that during the five years we were at ,bossey and ,geneva we were inseparable3 we often fought1 it is true1 but there never was any occasion to separate us4 ,no one of our quarrels lasted more than a quarter of an hour1 and never in our lives did we make any complaint of each other4 ,it may be said1 these remarks are frivolous2 but1 perhaps1 a similiar example among children can hardly be produced4 ,the manner in which ,i passed my time at ,bossey was so agreeable to my disposition1 that it only required a longer duration absolutely to have fixed my character1 which would have had only peaceable1 affectionate1 benevolent sentiments for its basis4 ,i believe no individual of our kind ever possessed less natural vanity than myself4 ,at intervals1 by an extraordinary effort1 ,i arrived at sublime ideas1 but presently sunk again into my original languor4 ,to be loved by every one who knew me was my most ardent wish4 ,i was naturally mild1 my cousin was equally so1 and those who had the care of us were of similiar dispositions4 ,everything contributed to strengthen those propensities which nature had implanted in my breast1 and during the two years ,i was neither the victim nor witness of any violent emotions4 ,i knew nothing so delightful as to see every one content1 not only with me1 but all that concerned them4 ,when repeating our catechism at church1 nothing could give me greater vexation1 on being obliged to hesitate1 than to see ,miss ,lambercier's countenance express disapprobation and uneasiness4 ,this alone was more afflicting to me than the shame of faltering before so many witnesses1 which1 notwithstanding1 was sufficiently painful2 for though not oversolicitous of praise1 ,i was feelingly alive to shame2 yet ,i can truly affirm1 the dread of being reprimanded by ,miss ,lambercier alarmed me less than the thought of making her uneasy4 ,neither she nor her brother were deficient in a reasonable severity1 but as this was scarce ever exerted without just cause1 ,i was more afflicted at their disapprobation than the punishment4 ,certainly the method of treating youth would be altered if the distant effects1 this indiscriminate1 and frequently indiscreet method produces1 were more conspicuous4 ,i would willingly excuse myself from a further explanation1 did not the lesson this example conveys 7which points out an evil as frequent as it is pernicious7 forbid my silence4 ,as ,miss ,lambercier felt a mother's affection1 she sometimes exerted a mother's authority1 even to inflicting on us when we deserved it1 the punishment of infants4 ,she had often threatened it1 and this threat of a treatment entirely new1 appeared to me extremely dreadful2 but ,i found the reality much less terrible than the idea1 and what is still more unaccountable1 this punishment increased my affection for the person who had inflicted it4 ,all this affection1 aided by my natural mildness1 was scarcely sufficient to prevent my seeking1 by fresh offences1 a return of the same chastisement2 for a degree of sensuality had mingled with the smart and shame1 which left more desire than fear of a repetition4 ,i was well convinced the same discipline from her brother would have produced a quite contrary effect2 but from a man of his disposition this was not probable1 and if ,i abstained from meriting correction it was merely from a fear of offending ,miss ,lambercier1 for benevolence1 aided by the passions1 has ever maintained an empire over me which has given law to my heart4 ,this event1 which1 though desirable1 ,i had not endeavored to accelerate1 arrived without my fault2 ,i should say1 without my seeking2 and ,i profited by it with a safe conscience2 but this second1 was also the last time1 for ,miss ,lambercier1 who doubtless had some reason to imagine this chastisement did not produce the desired effect1 declared it was too fatiguing1 and that she renounced it for the future4 ,till now we had slept in her chamber1 and during the winter1 even in her bed2 but two days after another room was prepared for us1 and from that moment ,i had the honor 7which ,i could very well have dispensed with7 of being treated by her as a great boy4 ,who would believe this childish discipline1 received at eight years old1 from the hands of a woman of thirty1 should influence my propensities1 my desires1 my passions1 for the rest of my life1 and that in quite a contrary sense from what might naturally have been expected8 ,the very incident that inflamed my senses1 gave my desires such an extraordinary turn1 that1 confined to what ,i had already experienced1 ,i sought no further1 and1 with blood boiling with sensuality1 almost from my birth1 preserved my purity beyond the age when the coldest constitutions lose their insensibility2 long tormented1 without knowing by what1 ,i gazed on every handsome woman with delight2 imagination incessantly brought their charms to my remembrance1 only to transform them into so many ,miss ,lamberciers4 ,if ever education was perfectly chaste1 it was certainly that ,i received2 my three aunts were not only of exemplary prudence1 but maintained a degree of modest reserve which women have long since thought unnecessary4 ,my father1 it is true1 loved pleasure1 but his gallantry was rather of the last than the present century1 and he never expressed his affection for any woman he regarded in terms a virgin could have blushed at2 indeed1 it was impossible more attention should be paid to that regard we owe the morals of children than was uniformly observed by every one ,i had any concern with4 ,an equal degree of reserve in this particular was observed at ,m4 ,lambercier's1 where a good maid-servant was discharged for having once made use of an expression before us which was thought to contain some degree of indelicacy4 ,i had no precise idea of the ultimate effect of the passions1 but the conception ,i had formed was extremely disgusting2 ,i entertained a particular aversion for courtesans1 nor could ,i look on a rake without a degree of disdain mingled with terror4 ,these prejudices of education1 proper in themselves to retard the first explosions of a combustible constitution1 were strengthened1 as ,i have already hinted1 by the effect the first moments of sensuality produced in me1 for notwithstanding the troublesome ebullition of my blood1 ,i was satisfied with the species of voluptuousness ,i had already been acquainted with1 and sought no further4 ,thus ,i passed the age of puberty1 with a constitution extremely ardent1 without knowing or even wishing for any other gratification of the passions than what ,miss ,lambercier had innocently given me an idea of2 and when ,i became a man1 that childish taste1 instead of vanishing1 only associated with the other4 ,this folly1 joined to a natural timidity1 has always prevented my being very enterprising with women1 so that ,i have passed my days in languishing in silence for those ,i most admired1 without daring to disclose my wishes4 ,to fall at the feet of an imperious mistress1 obey her mandates1 or implore pardon1 were for me the most exquisite enjoyments1 and the more my blood was inflamed by the efforts of a lively imagination the more ,i acquired the appearance of a whining lover4 ,it will be readily conceived that this mode of making love is not attended with a rapid progress or imminent danger to the virtue of its object2 yet1 though ,i have few favors to boast of1 ,i have not been excluded from enjoyment1 however imaginary4 ,thus the senses1 in concurrence with a mind equally timid and romantic1 have preserved my moral chaste1 and feelings uncorrupted1 with precisely the same inclinations1 which1 seconded with a moderate portion of effrontery1 might have plunged me into the most unwarrantable excesses4 ,i have made the first1 most difficult step1 in the obscure and painful maze of my ,confessions4 ,we never feel so great a degree of repugnance in divulging what is really criminal1 as what is merely ridiculous4 ,i am now assured of my resolution1 for after what ,i have dared disclose1 nothing can have power to deter me4 ,the difficulty attending these acknowledgments will be readily conceived1 when ,i declare1 that during the whole of my life1 though frequently laboring under the most violent agitation1 being hurried away with the impetuosity of a passion which 7when in company with those ,i loved7 deprived me of the faculty of sight and hearing1 ,i could never1 in the course of the most unbounded familiarity1 acquire sufficient resolution to declare my folly1 and implore the only favor that remained to bestow4 ,in thus investigating the first traces of my sensible existence1 ,i find elements1 which1 though seemingly incompatible1 have united to produce a simple and uniform effect2 while others1 apparently the same1 have1 by the concurrence of certain circumstances1 formed such different combinations1 that it would never be imagined they had any affinity2 who would believe1 for example1 that one of the most vigorous springs of my soul was tempered in the identical source from whence luxury and ease mingled with my constitution and circulated in my veins8 ,before ,i quit this subject1 ,i will add a striking instance of the different effects they produced4 ,one day1 while ,i was studying in a chamber contiguous to the kitchen1 the maid set some of ,miss ,lambercier's combs to dry by the fire1 and on coming to fetch them some time after1 was surprised to find the teeth of one of them broken off4 ,who could be suspected of this mischief8 ,no one but myself had entered the room3 ,i was questioned1 but denied having any knowledge of it4 ,mr4 and ,miss ,lambercier consult1 exhort1 threaten1 but all to no purpose2 ,i obstinately persist in the denial2 and1 though this was the first time ,i had been detected in a confirmed falsehood1 appearances were so strong that they overthrew all my protestations4 ,this affair was thought serious2 the mischief1 the lie1 the obstinacy1 were considered equally deserving of punishment1 which was not now to be administered by ,miss ,lambercier4 ,my uncle ,bernard was written to2 he arrived2 and my poor cousin being charged with a crime no less serious1 we were conducted to the same execution1 which was inflicted with great severity4 ,if finding a remedy in the evil itself1 they had sought ever to allay my depraved desires1 they could not have chosen a shorter method to accomplish their designs1 and1 ,i can assure my readers1 ,i was for a long time freed from the dominion of them4 ,as this severity could not draw from me the expected acknowledgment1 which obstinacy brought on several repetitions1 and reduced me to a deplorable situation1 yet ,i was immovable1 and resolutely determined to suffer death rather than submit4 ,force1 at length1 was obliged to yield to the diabolical infatuation of a child1 for no better name was bestowed on my constancy1 and ,i came out of this dreadful trial1 torn1 it is true1 but triumphant4 ,fifty years have expired since this adventure--the fear of punishment is no more4 ,well1 then1 ,i aver1 in the face of ,heaven1 ,i was absolutely innocent3 and1 so far from breaking1 or even touching the comb1 never came near the fire4 ,it will be asked1 how did this mischief happen8 ,i can form no conception of it1 ,i only know my own innocence4 ,let any one figure to himself a character whose leading traits were docility and timidity1 but haughty1 ardent1 and invincible1 in its passions2 a child1 hitherto governed by the voice of reason1 treated with mildness1 equity1 and complaisance1 who could not even support the idea of injustice1 experiencing1 for the first time1 so violent an instance of it1 inflicted by those he most loved and respected4 ,what perversion of ideas6 ,what confusion in the heart1 the brain1 in all my little being1 intelligent and moral6--let any one1 ,i say1 if possible1 imagine all this1 for ,i am incapable of giving the least idea of what passed in my mind at that period4 ,my reason was not sufficiently established to enable me to put myself in the place of others1 and judge how much appearances condemned me1 ,i only beheld the rigor of a dreadful chastisement1 inflicted for a crime ,i had not committed2 yet ,i can truly affirm1 the smart ,i suffered1 though violent1 was inconsiderable compared to what ,i felt from indignation1 rage1 and despair4 ,my cousin1 who was almost in similar circumstances1 having been punished for an involuntary fault as guilty of a premediated crime1 became furious by my example4 ,both in the same bed1 we embraced each other with convulsive transport2 we were almost suffocated2 and when our young hearts found sufficient relief to breathe out our indigination1 we sat up in the bed1 and with all our force1 repeated a hundred times1 ,carnifex6 ,carnifex6 ,carnifex6 executioner1 tormentor4 ,even while ,i write this ,i feel my pulse quicken1 and should ,i live a hundred thousand years1 the agitation of that moment would still be fresh in my memory4 ,the first instance of violence and oppression is so deeply engraved on my soul1 that every relative idea renews my emotion3 the sentiment of indignation1 which in its origin had reference only to myself1 has acquired such strength1 and is at present so completely detached from personal motives1 that my heart is as much inflamed at the sight or relation of any act of injustice 7whatever may be the object1 or wheresoever it may be perpetrated7 as if ,i was the immediate sufferer4 ,when ,i read the history of a merciless tyrant1 or the dark and the subtle machination of a knavish designing priest1 ,i could on the instant set off to stab the miscreants1 though ,i was certain to perish in the attempt4 ,i have frequently fatigued myself by running after and stoning a cock1 a cow1 a dog1 or any animal ,i saw tormenting another1 only because it was conscious of possessing superior strength4 ,this may be natural to me1 and ,i am inclined to believe it is1 though the lively impression of the first injustice ,i became the victim of was too long and too powerfully remembered not to have added considerable force to it4 ,this occurrence terminated my infantine serenity2 from that moment ,i ceased to enjoy a pure unadulterated happiness1 and on a retrospection of the pleasure of my childhood1 ,i yet feel they ended here4 ,we continue at ,bossey some months after this event1 but were like our first parents in the ,garden of ,eden after they had lost their innocence2 in appearance our situation was the same1 in effect it was totally different4 ,affection1 respect2 intimacy1 confidence1 no longer attached the pupils to their guides2 we beheld them no longer as divinities1 who could read the secrets of our hearts2 we were less ashamed of committing faults1 more afraid of being accused of them3 we learned to dissemble1 to rebel1 to lie3 all the vices common to our years began to corrupt our happy innocence1 mingle with our sports1 and embitter our amusements4 ,the country itself1 losing those sweet and simple charms which captivate the heart1 appeared a gloomy desert1 or covered with a veil that concealed its beauties4 ,we cultivated our little gardens no more3 our flowers were neglected4 ,we no longer scratched away the mould1 and broke out into exclamations of delight1 on discovering that the grain we had sown began to shoot4 ,we were disgusted with our situation2 our preceptors were weary of us4 ,in a word1 my uncle wrote for our return1 and we left ,mr4 and ,miss ,lambercier without feeling any regret at the separation4 ,near thirty years passed away from my leaving ,bossey1 without once recalling the place to my mind with any degree of satisfaction2 but after having passed the prime of life1 as ,i decline into old age 7while more recent occurrences are wearing out apace7 ,i feel these remembrances revive and imprint themselves on my heart1 with a force and charm that every day acquires fresh strength2 as if1 feeling life fleet from me1 ,i endeavored to catch it again by its commencement4 ,the most trifling incident of those happy days delight me1 for no other reason than being of those days4 ,i recall every circumstance of time1 place1 and persons2 ,i see the maid or footman busy in the chamber1 a swallow entering the window1 a fly settling on my hand while repeating my lessons4 ,i see the whole economy of the apartment2 on the right hand ,mr4 ,lambercier's closet1 with a print representing all the popes1 a barometer1 a large almanac1 the windows of the house 7which stood in a hollow at the bottom of the garden7 shaded by raspberry shrubs1 whose shoots sometimes found entrance2 ,i am sensible the reader has no occasion to know all this1 but ,i feel a kind of necessity for relating it4 ,why am ,i not permitted to recount all the little anecdotes of that thrice happy age1 at the recollection of whose joys ,i ever tremble with delight8 ,five or six particularly--let us compromise the matter--,i will give up five1 but then ,i must have one1 and only one1 provided ,i may draw it out to its utmost length1 in order to prolong my satisfaction4 ,if ,i only sought yours1 ,i should choose that of ,miss ,lambercier's backside1 which by an unlucky fall at the bottom of the meadow1 was exposed to the view of the ,king of ,sardinia1 who happened to be passing by2 but that of the walnut tree on the terrace is more amusing to me1 since here ,i was an actor1 whereas1 in the abovementioned scene ,i was only a spectator2 and ,i must confess ,i see nothing that should occasion risibility in an accident1 which1 however laughable in itself1 alarmed me for a person ,i loved as a mother1 or perhaps something more4 ,ye curious readers1 whose expectations are already on the stretch for the noble history of the terrace1 listen to the tragedy1 and abstain from trembling1 if you can1 at the horrible catastrophe6 ,at the outside of the courtyard door1 on the left hand1 was a terrace2 here they often sat after dinner2 but it was subject to one inconvenience1 being too much exposed to the rays of the sun2 to obviate this defect1 ,mr4 ,lambercier had a walnut tree set there1 the planting of which was attended with great solemnity4 ,the two boarders were godfathers1 and while the earth was replacing round the root1 each held the tree with one hand1 singing songs of triumph4 ,in order to water it with more effect1 they formed a kind of luson around its foot3 myself and cousin1 who were every day ardent spectators of this watering1 confirmed each other in the very natural idea that it was nobler to plant trees on the terrace than colors on a breach1 and this glory we were resolved to procure without dividing it with any one4 ,in pursuance of this resolution1 we cut a slip off a willow1 and planted it on the terrace1 at about eight or ten feet distance from the august walnut tree4 ,we did not forget to make a hollow round it1 but the difficulty was how to procure a supply of water1 which was brought from a considerable distance1 and we not permitted to fetch it3 but water was absolutely necessary for our willow1 and we made use of every stratagem to obtain it4 ,for a few days everything succeeded so well that it began to bud1 and throw out small leaves1 which we hourly measured convinced 7tho' now scarce a foot from the ground7 it would soon afford us a refreshing shade4 ,this unfortunate willow1 by engrossing our whole time1 rendered us incapable of application to any other study1 and the cause of our inattention not being known1 we were kept closer than before4 ,the fatal moment approached when water must fail1 and we were already afflicted with the idea that our tree must perish with drought4 ,at length necessity1 the parent of industry1 suggested an invention1 by which we might save our tree from death1 and ourselves from despair2 it was to make a furrow underground1 which would privately conduct a part of the water from the walnut tree to our willow4 ,this undertaking was executed with ardor1 but did not immediately succeed--our descent was not skilfully planned--the water did not run1 the earth falling in and stopping up the furrow2 yet1 though all went contrary1 nothing discouraged us1 'omnia vincit labor improbus'4 ,we made the bason deeper1 to give the water a more sensible descent2 we cut the bottom of a box into narrow planks2 increased the channel from the walnut tree to our willow and laying a row flat at the bottom1 set two others inclining towards each other1 so as to form a triangular channel2 we formed a kind of grating with small sticks at the end next the walnut tree1 to prevent the earth and stones from stopping it up1 and having carefully covered our work with well--trodden earth1 in a transport of hope and fear attended the hour of watering4 ,after an interval1 which seemed an age of expectation1 this hour arrived4 ,mr4 ,lambercier1 as usual1 assisted at the operation2 we contrived to get between him and our tree1 towards which he fortunately turned his back4 ,they no sooner began to pour the first pail of water1 than we perceived it running to the willow2 this sight was too much for our prudence1 and we involuntarily expressed our transport by a shout of joy4 ,the sudden exclamation made ,mr4 ,lambercier turn about1 though at that instant he was delighted to observe how greedily the earth1 which surrounded the root of his walnut tree1 imbibed the water4 ,surprised at seeing two trenches partake of it1 he shouted in his turn1 examines1 perceives the roguery1 and1 sending instantly for a pick axe1 at one fatal blow makes two or three of our planks fly1 crying out meantime with all his strength1 an aqueduct6 an aqueduct6 ,his strokes redoubled1 every one of which made an impression on our hearts2 in a moment the planks1 the channel1 the bason1 even our favorite willow1 all were ploughed up1 nor was one word pronounced during this terrible transaction1 except the above mentioned exclamation4 ,an aqueduct6 repeated he1 while destroying all our hopes1 an aqueduct6 an aqueduct6 ,it maybe supposed this adventure had a still more melancholy end for the young architects2 this1 however1 was not the case2 the affair ended here4 ,mr4 ,lambercier never reproached us on this account1 nor was his countenance clouded with a frown2 we even heard him mention the circumstance to his sister with loud bursts of laughter4 ,the laugh of ,mr4 ,lambercier might be heard to a considerable distance4 ,but what is still more surprising after the first transport of sorrow had subsided1 we did not find ourselves violently afflicted2 we planted a tree in another spot1 and frequently recollected the catastrophe of the former1 repeating with a significant emphasis1 an aqueduct6 an aqueduct6 ,till then1 at intervals1 ,i had fits of ambition1 and could fancy myself ,brutus or ,aristides1 but this was the first visible effect of my vanity4 ,to have constructed an aqueduct with our own hands1 to have set a slip of willow in competition with a flourishing tree1 appeared to me a supreme degree of glory6 ,i had a juster conception of it at ten than ,caesar entertained at thirty4 ,the idea of this walnut tree1 with the little anecdotes it gave rise to1 have so well continued1 or returned to my memory1 that the design which conveyed the most pleasing sensations1 during my journey to ,geneva1 in the year #aged1 was visiting ,bossey1 and reviewing the monuments of my infantine amusement1 above all1 the beloved walnut tree1 whose age at that time must have been verging on a third of a century1 but ,i was so beset with company that ,i could not find a moment to accomplish my design4 ,there is little appearance now of the occasion being renewed2 but should ,i ever return to that charming spot1 and find my favorite walnut tree still existing1 ,i am convinced ,i should water it with my tears4 ,on my return to ,geneva1 ,i passed two or three years at my uncle's1 expecting the determination of my friends respecting my future establishment4 ,his own son being devoted to genius1 was taught drawing1 and instructed by his father in the elements of ,euclid2 ,i partook of these instructions1 but was principally fond of drawing4 ,meantime1 they were irresolute1 whether to make me a watchmaker1 a lawyer1 or a minister4 ,i should have preferred being a minister1 as ,i thought it must be a charming thing to preach1 but the trifling income which had been my mother's1 and was to be divided between my brother and myself1 was too inconsiderable to defray the expense attending the prosecution of my studies4 ,as my age did not render the choice very pressing1 ,i remained with my uncle1 passing my time with very little improvement1 and paying pretty dear1 though not unreasonably1 for my board4 ,my uncle1 like my father1 was a man of pleasure1 but had not learned1 like him1 to abridge his amusements for the sake of instructing his family1 consequently our education was neglected4 ,my aunt was a devotee1 who loved singing psalms better than thinking of our improvement1 so that we were left entirely to ourselves1 which liberty we never abused4 ,ever inseparable1 we were all the world to each other2 and1 feeling no inclination to frequent the company of a number of disorderly lads of our own age1 we learned none of those habits of libertinism to which our idle life exposed us4 ,perhaps ,i am wrong in charging myself and cousin with idleness at this time1 for1 in our lives1 we were never less so2 and what was extremely fortunate1 so incessantly occupied with our amusements1 that we found no temptation to spend any part of our time in the streets4 ,we made cages1 pipes1 kites1 drums1 houses1 ships1 and bows2 spoiled the tools of my good old grandfather by endeavoring to make watches in imitation of him2 but our favorite amusement was wasting paper1 in drawing1 washing1 coloring1 etc4 ,there came an ,italian mountebank to ,geneva1 called ,gamber-,corta1 who had an exhibition of puppets1 that he made play a kind of comedy4 ,we went once to see them1 but could not spare time to go again1 being busily employed in making puppets of our own and inventing comedies1 which we immediately set about making them perform1 mimicking to the best of our abilities the uncouth voice of ,punch2 and1 to complete the business1 my good aunt and uncle ,bernard had the patience to see and listen to our imitations2 but my uncle1 having one day read an elaborate discourse to his family1 we instantly gave up our comedies1 and began composing sermons4 ,these details1 ,i confess1 are not very amusing1 but they serve to demonstrate that the former part of our education was well directed1 since being1 at such an early age1 the absolute masters of our time1 we found no inclination to abuse it2 and so little in want of other companions1 that we constantly neglected every occasion of seeking them4 ,when taking our walks together1 we observed their diversions without feeling any inclination to partake of them4 ,friendship so entirely occupied our hearts1 that1 pleased with each other's company the simplest pastimes were sufficient to delight us4 ,we were soon remarked for being thus inseparable3 and what rendered us more conspicuous1 my cousin was very tall1 myself extremely short1 so that we exhibited a very whimsical contrast4 ,this meagre figure1 small1 sallow countenance1 heavy air1 and supine gait1 excited the ridicule of the children1 who1 in the gibberish of the country1 nicknamed him ',barna ,bredanna'2 and we no sooner got out of doors than our ears were assailed with a repetition of ,barna ,bredanna4 ,he bore this indignity with tolerable patience1 but ,i was instantly for fighting4 ,this was what the young rogues aimed at4 ,i engaged accordingly1 and was beat4 ,my poor cousin did all in his power to assist me1 but he was weak1 and a single stroke brought him to the ground4 ,i then became furious1 and received several smart blows1 some of which were aimed at ',barna ,bredanna'4 ,this quarrel so far increased the evil1 that1 to avoid their insults1 we could only show ourselves in the streets while they were employed at school4 ,i had already become a redresser of grievances2 there only wanted a lady in the way to be a knight-errant in form4 ,this defect was soon supplied2 ,i presently had two4 ,i frequently went to see my father at ,nion1 a small city in the ,vaudois country1 where he was now settled4 ,being universally respected1 the affection entertained for him extended to me3 and1 during my visits1 the question seemed to be1 who should show me most kindness4 ,a ,madame de ,vulson1 in particular1 loaded me with caresses2 and1 to complete all1 her daughter made me her gallant4 ,i need not explain what kind of gallant a boy of eleven must be to a girl of two and twenty2 the artful hussies know how to set these puppets up in front1 to conceal more serious engagements4 ,on my part ,i saw no inequality between myself and ,miss ,vulson1 was flattered by the circumstance1 and went into it with my whole heart1 or rather my whole head1 for this passion certainly reached no further1 though it transported me almost to madness1 and frequently produced scenes sufficient to make even a cynic expire with laughter4 ,i have experienced two kinds of love1 equally real1 which have scarce any affinity1 yet each differing materially from tender friendship4 ,my whole life has been divided between these affections1 and ,i have frequently felt the power of both at the same instant4 ,for example1 at the very time ,i so publically and tyrannically claimed ,miss ,vulson1 that ,i could not suffer any other of my sex to approach her1 ,i had short1 but passionate1 assignations with a ,miss ,goton1 who thought proper to act the schoolmistress with me4 ,our meetings1 though absolutely childish1 afforded me the height of happiness4 ,i felt the whole charm of mystery1 and repaid ,miss ,vulson in kind1 when she least expected it1 the use she made of me in concealing her amours4 ,to my great mortification1 this secret was soon discovered1 and ,i presently lost my young schoolmistress4 ,miss ,goton was1 in fact1 a singular personage4 ,she was not handsome1 yet there was a certain something in her figure which could not easily be forgotten1 and this for an old fool1 ,i am too often convinced of4 ,her eyes1 in particular1 neither corresponded with her age1 her height1 nor her manner2 she had a lofty imposing air1 which agreed extremely well with the character she assumed1 but the most extraordinary part of her composition was a mixture of forwardness and reserve difficult to be conceived2 and while she took the greatest liberties with me1 would never permit any to be taken with her in return1 treating me precisely like a child4 ,this makes me suppose she had either ceased herself to be one1 or was yet sufficiently so to behold us play the danger to which this folly exposed her4 ,i was so absolutely in the power of both these mistresses1 that when in the presence of either1 ,i never thought of her who was absent2 in other respects1 the effects they produced on me bore no affinity4 ,i could have passed my whole life with ,miss ,vulson1 without forming a wish to quit her2 but then1 my satisfaction was attended with a pleasing serenity2 and1 in numerous companies1 ,i was particularly charmed with her4 ,the sprightly sallies of her wit1 the arch glance of her eye1 even jealousy itself1 strengthened my attachment1 and ,i triumphed in the preference she seemed to bestow on me1 while addressed by more powerful rivals2 applause1 encouragement1 and smiles1 gave animation to my happiness4 ,surrounded by a throng of observers1 ,i felt the whole force of love--,i was passionate1 transported2 in a tete-a-tete1 ,i should have been constrained1 thoughtful1 perhaps unhappy4 ,if ,miss ,vulson was ill1 ,i suffered with her2 would willingly have given up my own health to establish hers 7and1 observe ,i knew the want of it from experience72 if absent1 she employed my thoughts1 ,i felt the want of her2 when present1 her caresses came with warmth and rapture to my heart1 though my senses were unaffected4 ,the familiarities she bestowed on me ,i could not have supported the idea of her granting to another2 ,i loved her with a brother's affection only1 but experienced all the jealousy of a lover4 ,with ,miss ,goton this passion might have acquired a degree of fury2 ,i should have been a ,turk1 a tiger1 had ,i once imagined she bestowed her favors on any but myself4 ,the pleasure ,i felt on approaching ,miss ,vulson was sufficiently ardent1 though unattended with uneasy sensations2 but at sight of ,miss ,goton1 ,i felt myself bewildered--every sense was absorbed in ecstasy4 ,i believe it would have been impossible to have remained long with her2 ,i must have been suffocated with the violence of my palpitations4 ,i equally dreaded giving either of them displeasure2 with one ,i was more complaisant2 with the other1 more submissive4 ,i would not have offended ,miss ,vulson for the world2 but if ,miss ,goton had commanded me to throw myself into the flames1 ,i think ,i should have instantly obeyed her4 ,happily1 both for her and myself1 our amours2 or rather rendezvous1 were not of long duration3 and though my connection with ,miss ,vulson was less dangerous1 after a continuance of some greater length1 that likewise had its catastrophe2 indeed the termination of a love affair is good for nothing1 unless it partakes of the romantic1 and can furnish out at least an exclamation4 ,though my correspondence with ,miss ,vulson was less animated1 it was perhaps more endearing2 we never separated without tears1 and it can hardly be conceived what a void ,i felt in my heart4 ,i could neither think nor speak of anything but her4 ,these romantic sorrows were not affected1 though ,i am inclined to believe they did not absolutely centre in her1 for ,i am persuaded 7though ,i did not perceive it at that time7 being deprived of amusement bore a considerable share in them4 ,to soften the rigor of absence1 we agreed to correspond with each other1 and the pathetic expressions these letters contained were sufficient to have split a rock4 ,in a word1 ,i had the honor of her not being able to endure the pain of separation4 ,she came to see me at ,geneva4 ,my head was now completely turned2 and during the two days she remained here1 ,i was intoxicated with delight4 ,at her departure1 ,i would have thrown myself into the water after her1 and absolutely rent the air with my cries4 ,the week following she sent me sweetmeats1 gloves1 etc4 ,this certainly would have appeared extremely gallant1 had ,i not been informed of her marriage at the same instant1 and that the journey ,i had thought proper to give myself the honor of1 was only to buy her wedding suit4 ,my indignation may easily be conceived2 ,i shall not attempt to describe it4 ,in this heroic fury1 ,i swore never more to see the perfidious girl1 supposing it the greatest punishment that could be inflicted on her4 ,this1 however1 did not occasion her death1 for twenty years after1 while on a visit to my father1 being on the lake1 ,i asked who those ladies were in a boat not far from ours4 ,what6 said my father smiling1 does not your heart inform you8 ,it is your former flame1 it is ,madame ,christin1 or1 if you please1 ,miss ,vulson4 ,i started at the almost forgotten name1 and instantly ordered the waterman to turn off1 not judging it worth while to be perjured1 however favorable the opportunity for revenge1 in renewing a dispute of twenty years past1 with a woman of forty4 ,thus1 before my future destination was determined1 did ,i fool away the most precious moments of my youth4 ,after deliberating a long time on the bent of my natural inclination1 they resolved to dispose of me in a manner the most repugnant to them4 ,i was sent to ,mr4 ,masseron1 the ,city ,register1 to learn 7according to the expression of my uncle ,bernard7 the thriving occupation of a scraper4 ,this nickname was inconceivably displeasing to me1 and ,i promised myself but little satisfaction in the prospect of heaping up money by a mean employment4 ,the assiduity and subjection required1 completed my disgust1 and ,i never set foot in the office without feeling a kind of horror1 which every day gained fresh strength4 ,mr4 ,masseron1 who was not better pleased with my abilities than ,i was with the employment1 treated me with disdain1 incessantly upbraiding me with being a fool and blockhead1 not forgetting to repeat1 that my uncle had assured him ,i was a knowing one1 though he could not find that ,i knew anything4 ,that he had promised to furnish him with a sprightly boy1 but had1 in truth1 sent him an ass4 ,to conclude1 ,i was turned out of the registry1 with the additional ignominy of being pronounced a fool by all ,mr4 ,masseron's clerks1 and fit only to handle a file4 ,my vocation thus determined1 ,i was bound apprentice2 not1 however1 to a watchmaker1 but to an engraver1 and ,i had been so completely humiliated by the contempt of the register1 that ,i submitted without a murmur4 ,my master1 whose name was ,m4 ,ducommon1 was a young man of a very violent and boorish character1 who contrived in a short time to tarnish all the amiable qualities of my childhood1 to stupefy a disposition naturally sprightly1 and reduce my feelings1 as well as my condition1 to an absolute state of servitude4 ,i forgot my ,latin1 history1 and antiquities2 ,i could hardly recollect whether such people as ,romans ever existed4 ,when ,i visited my father1 he no longer beheld his idol1 nor could the ladies recognize the gallant ,jean ,jacques2 nay1 ,i was so well convinced that ,mr4 and ,miss ,lambercier would scarce receive me as their pupil1 that ,i endeavored to avoid their company1 and from that time have never seen them4 ,the vilest inclinations1 the basest actions1 succeeded my amiable amusements and even obliterated the very remembrance of them4 ,i must have had1 in spite of my good education1 a great propensity to degenerate1 else the declension could not have followed with such ease and rapidity1 for never did so promising a ,caesar so quickly become a ,laradon4 ,the art itself did not displease me4 ,i had a lively taste for drawing4 ,there was nothing displeasing in the exercise of the graver2 and as it required no very extraordinary abilities to attain perfection as a watchcase engraver1 ,i hoped to arrive at it4 ,perhaps ,i should have accomplished my design1 if unreasonable restraint1 added to the brutality of my master1 had not rendered my business disgusting4 ,i wasted his time1 and employed myself in engraving medals1 which served me and my companions as a kind of insignia for a new invented order of chivalry1 and though this differed very little from my usual employ1 ,i considered it as a relaxation4 ,unfortunately1 my master caught me at this contraband labor1 and a severe beating was the consequence4 ,he reproached me at the same time with attempting to make counterfeit money because our medals bore the arms of the ,republic1 though1 ,i can truly aver1 ,i had no conception of false money1 and very little of the true1 knowing better how to make a ,roman ,as than one of our threepenny pieces4 ,my master's tyranny rendered insupportable that labor ,i should otherwise have loved1 and drove me to vices ,i naturally despised1 such as falsehood1 idleness1 and theft4 ,nothing ever gave me a clearer demonstration of the difference between filial dependence and abject slavery1 than the remembrance of the change produced in me at that period4 ,hitherto ,i had enjoyed a reasonable liberty2 this ,i had suddenly lost4 ,i was enterprising at my father's1 free at ,mr4 ,lambercier's1 discreet at my uncle's2 but1 with my master1 ,i became fearful1 and from that moment my mind was vitiated4 ,accustomed to live on terms of perfect equality1 to be witness of no pleasures ,i could not command1 to see no dish ,i was not to partake of1 or be sensible of a desire ,i might not express2 to be able to bring every wish of my heart to my lips--what a transition6--at my master's ,i was scarce allowed to speak1 was forced to quit the table without tasting what ,i most longed for1 and the room when ,i had nothing particular to do there2 was incessantly confined to my work1 while the liberty my master and his journeymen enjoyed1 served only to increase the weight of my subjection4 ,when disputes happened to arise1 though conscious that ,i understood the subject better than any of them1 ,i dared not offer my opinion2 in a word1 everything ,i saw became an object of desire1 for no other reason than because ,i was not permitted to enjoy anything4 ,farewell gayety1 ease1 those happy turns of expressions1 which formerly even made my faults escape correction4 ,i recollect1 with pleasure1 a circumstance that happened at my father's1 which even now makes me smile4 ,being for some fault ordered to bed without my supper1 as ,i was passing through the kitchen1 with my poor morsel of bread in my hand1 ,i saw the meat turning on the spit2 my father and the rest were round the fire2 ,i must bow to every one as ,i passed4 ,when ,i had gone through this ceremony1 leering with a wistful eye at the roast meat1 which looked so inviting1 and smelt so savory1 ,i could not abstain from making that a bow likewise1 adding in a pitiful tone1 good bye1 roast meal6 ,this unpremeditated pleasantry put them in such good humor1 that ,i was permitted to stay1 and partake of it4 ,perhaps the same thing might have produced a similar effect at my master's1 but such a thought could never have occurred to me1 or1 if it had1 ,i should not have had courage to express it4 ,thus ,i learned to covet1 dissemble1 lie1 and1 at length1 to steal1 a propensity ,i never felt the least idea of before1 though since that time ,i have never been able entirely to divest myself of it4 ,desire and inability united naturally led to this vice1 which is the reason pilfering is so common among footmen and apprentices1 though the latter1 as they grow up1 and find themselves in a situation where everything is at their command1 lose this shameful propensity4 ,as ,i never experienced the advantage1 ,i never enjoyed the benefit4 ,good sentiments1 ill-directed1 frequently lead children into vice4 ,notwithstanding my continual wants and temptations1 it was more than a year before ,i could resolve to take even eatables4 ,my first theft was occasioned by complaisance1 but it was productive of others which had not so plausible an excuse4 ,my master had a journeyman named ,verrat1 whose mother lived in the neighborhood1 and had a garden at a considerable distance from the house1 which produced excellent asparagus4 ,this ,verrat1 who had no great plenty of money1 took it in his head to rob her of the most early production of her garden1 and by the sale of it procure those indulgences he could not otherwise afford himself2 but not being very nimble1 he did not care to run the hazard of a surprise4 ,after some preliminary flattery1 which ,i did not comprehend the meaning of1 he proposed this expedition to me1 as an idea which had that moment struck him4 ,at first ,i would not listen to the proposal2 but he persisted in his solicitation1 and as ,i could never resist the attacks of flattery1 at length prevailed4 ,in pursuance of this virtuous resolution1 ,i every morning repaired to the garden1 gathered the best of the asparagus1 and took it to the ,holard where some good old women1 who guessed how ,i came by it1 wishing to diminish the price1 made no secret of their suspicions2 this produced the desired effect1 for1 being alarmed1 ,i took whatever they offered1 which being taken to ,mr4 ,verrat1 was presently metamorphosed into a breakfast1 and divided with a companion of his2 for1 though ,i procured it1 ,i never partook of their good cheer1 being fully satisfied with an inconsiderable bribe4 ,i executed my roguery with the greatest fidelity1 seeking only to please my employer2 and several days passed before it came into my head1 to rob the robber1 and tithe ,mr4 ,verrat's harvest4 ,i never considered the hazard ,i run in these expeditions1 not only of a torrent of abuse1 but what ,i should have been still more sensible of1 a hearty beating2 for the miscreant1 who received the whole benefit1 would certainly have denied all knowledge of the fact1 and ,i should only have received a double portion of punishment for daring to accuse him1 since being only an apprentice1 ,i stood no chance of being believed in opposition to a journeyman4 ,thus1 in every situation1 powerful rogues know how to save themselves at the expense of the feeble4 ,this practice taught me it was not so terrible to thieve as ,i had imagined3 ,i took care to make this discovery turn to some account1 helping myself to everything within my reach1 that ,i conceived an inclination for4 ,i was not absolutely ill-fed at my master's1 and temperance was only painful to me by comparing it with the luxury he enjoyed4 ,the custom of sending young people from table precisely when those things are served up which seem most tempting1 is calculated to increase their longing1 and induces them to steal what they conceive to be so delicious4 ,it may be supposed ,i was not backward in this particular3 in general my knavery succeeded pretty well1 though quite the reverse when ,i happened to be detected4 ,i recollect an attempt to procure some apples1 which was attended with circumstances that make me smile and shudder even at this instant4 ,the fruit was standing in the pantry1 which by a lattice at a considerable height received light from the kitchen4 ,one day1 being alone in the house1 ,i climbed up to see these precious apples1 which being out of my reach1 made this pantry appear the garden of ,hesperides4 ,i fetched the spit--tried if it would reach them--it was too short--,i lengthened it with a small one which was used for game1--my master being very fond of hunting1 darted at them several times without success2 at length was more fortunate2 being transported to find ,i was bringing up an apple1 ,i drew it gently to the lattice--was going to seize it when 7who can express my grief and astonishment67 ,i found it would not pass through--it was too large4 ,i tried every expedient to accomplish my design1 sought supporters to keep the spits in the same position1 a knife to divide the apple1 and a lath to hold it with2 at length1 ,i so far succeeded as to effect the division1 and made no doubt of drawing the pieces through2 but it was scarcely separated1 7compassionate reader1 sympathize with my affliction7 when both pieces fell into the pantry4 ,though ,i lost time by this experiment1 ,i did not lose courage1 but1 dreading a surprise1 ,i put off the attempt till next day1 when ,i hoped to be more successful1 and returned to my work as if nothing had happened1 without once thinking of what the two obvious witnesses ,i had left in the pantry deposed against me4 ,the next day 7a fine opportunity offering7 ,i renew the trial4 ,i fasten the spits together2 get on the stool2 take aim2 am just going to dart at my prey--unfortunately the dragon did not sleep2 the pantry door opens1 my master makes his appearance1 and1 looking up1 exclaims1 ,bravo6 --,the horror of that moment returns--the pen drops from my hand4 ,a continual repetition of ill treatment rendered me callous2 it seemed a kind of composition for my crimes1 which authorized me to continue them1 and1 instead of looking back at the punishment1 ,i looked forward to revenge4 ,being beat like a slave1 ,i judged ,i had a right to all the vices of one4 ,i was convinced that to rob and be punished were inseparable1 and constituted1 if ,i may so express myself1 a kind of traffic1 in which1 if ,i perform my part of the bargain1 my master would take care not to be deficient in his2 that preliminary settled1 ,i applied myself to thieving with great tranquility1 and whenever this interrogatory occurred to my mind1 ,what will be the consequence8 the reply was ready1 ,i know the worst1 ,i shall be beat2 no matter1 ,i was made for it4 ,i love good eating2 am sensual1 but not greedy2 ,i have such a variety of inclinations to gratify1 that this can never predominate2 and unless my heart is unoccupied1 which very rarely happens1 ,i pay but little attention to my appetite2 to purloining eatables1 but extended this propensity to everything ,i wished to possess1 and if ,i did not become a robber in form1 it was only because money never tempted me4 ,my master had a closet in the workshop1 which he kept locked2 this ,i contrived to open and shut as often as ,i pleased1 and laid his best tools1 fine drawings1 impressions1 in a word1 everything he wished to keep from me1 under contribution4 ,these thefts were so far innocent1 that they were always employed in his service1 but ,i was transported at having the trifles in my possession1 and imagined ,i stole the art with its productions4 ,besides what ,i have mentioned1 his boxes contained threads of gold and silver1 a number of small jewels1 valuable medals1 and money2 yet1 though ,i seldom had five sous in my pocket1 ,i do not recollect ever having cast a wishful look at them2 on the contrary1 ,i beheld these valuables rather with terror than with delight4 ,i am convinced the dread of taking money was1 in a great measure1 the effect of education4 ,there was mingled with the idea of it the fear of infamy1 a prison1 punishment1 and death3 had ,i even felt the temptation1 these objects would have made me tremble2 whereas my failings appeared a species of waggery1 and1 in truth1 they were little else2 they could but occasion a good trimming1 and this ,i was already prepared for4 ,a sheet of fine drawing paper was a greater temptation than money sufficient to have purchased a ream4 ,this unreasonable caprice is connected with one of the most striking singularities of my character1 and has so far influenced my conduct1 that it requires a particular explanation4 ,my passions are extremely violent2 while under their influence1 nothing can equal my impetuosity2 ,i am an absolute stranger to discretion1 respect1 fear1 or decorum2 rude1 saucy1 violent1 and intrepid3 no shame can stop1 no danger intimidate me4 ,my mind is frequently so engrossed by a single object1 that beyond it the whole world is not worth a thought2 this is the enthusiasm of a moment1 the next1 perhaps1 ,i am plunged in a state of annihilation4 ,take me in my moments of tranquility1 ,i am indolence and timidity itself2 a word to speak1 the least trifle to perform1 appear an intolerable labor2 everything alarms and terrifies me2 the very buzzing of a fly will make me shudder2 ,i am so subdued by fear and shame1 that ,i would gladly shield myself from mortal view4 ,when obliged to exert myself1 ,i am ignorant what to do6 when forced to speak1 ,i am at a loss for words2 and if any one looks at me1 ,i am instantly out of countenance4 ,if animated with my subject1 ,i express my thoughts with ease1 but1 in ordinary conversations1 ,i can say nothing --absolutely nothing2 and1 being obliged to speak1 renders them insupportable4 ,i may add1 that none of my predominant inclinations centre in those pleasures which are to be purchased3 money empoisons my delight2 ,i must have them unadulterated2 ,i love those of the table1 for instance1 but cannot endure the restraints of good company1 or the intemperance of taverns2 ,i can enjoy them only with a friend1 for alone it is equally impossible2 my imagination is then so occupied with other things1 that ,i find no pleasure in eating4 ,women who are to be purchased have no charms for me2 my beating heart cannot be satisfied without affection2 it is the same with every other enjoyment1 if not truly disinterested1 they are absolutely insipid2 in a word1 ,i am fond of those things which are only estimable to minds formed for the peculiar enjoyment of them4 ,i never thought money so desirable as it is usually imagined2 if you would enjoy you must transform it2 and this transformation is frequently attended with inconvenience2 you must bargain1 purchase1 pay dear1 be badly served1 and often duped4 ,i buy an egg1 am assured it is new-laid --,i find it stale2 fruit in its utmost perfection--'tis absolutely green4 ,i love good wine1 but where shall ,i get it8 ,not at my wine merchant's --he will poison me to a certainty4 ,i wish to be universally respected2 how shall ,i compass my design8 ,i must make friends1 send messages1 write letters1 come1 go1 wait1 and be frequently deceived4 ,money is the perpetual source of uneasiness2 ,i fear it more than ,i love good wine4 ,a thousand times1 both during and since my apprenticeship1 have ,i gone out to purchase some nicety1 ,i approach the pastry-cook's1 perceive some women at the counter1 and imagine they are laughing at me4 ,i pass a fruit shop1 see some fine pears1 their appearance tempts me2 but then two or three young people are near1 or a man ,i am acquainted with is standing at the door2 ,i take all that pass for persons ,i have some knowledge of1 and my near sight contributes to deceive me4 ,i am everywhere intimidated1 restrained by some obstacle1 and with money in my pocket return as ,i went1 for want of resolution to purchase what ,i long for4 ,i should enter into the most insipid details was ,i to relate the trouble1 shame1 repugnance1 and inconvenience of all kinds which ,i have experienced in parting with my money1 whether in my own person1 or by the agency of others2 as ,i proceed1 the reader will get acquainted with my disposition1 and perceive all this without my troubling him with the recital4 ,this once comprehended1 one of my apparent contradictions will be easily accounted for1 and the most sordid avarice reconciled with the greatest contempt of money4 ,it is a movable which ,i consider of so little value1 that1 when destitute of it1 ,i never wish to acquire any2 and when ,i have a sum ,i keep it by me1 for want of knowing how to dispose of it to my satisfaction2 but let an agreeable and convenient opportunity present itself1 and ,i empty my purse with the utmost freedom2 not that ,i would have the reader imagine ,i am extravagant from a motive of ostentation1 quite the reverse2 it was ever in subservience to my pleasures1 and1 instead of glorying in expense1 ,i endeavor to conceal it4 ,i so well perceive that money is not made to answer my purposes1 that ,i am almost ashamed to have any1 and1 still more1 to make use of it4 ,had ,i ever possessed a moderate independence1 ,i am convinced ,i should have had no propensity to become avaricious4 ,i should have required no more1 and cheerfully lived up to my income2 but my precarious situation has constantly and necessarily kept me in fear4 ,i love liberty1 and ,i loathe constraint1 dependence1 and all their kindred annoyances4 ,as long as my purse contains money it secures my independence1 and exempts me from the trouble of seeking other money1 a trouble of which ,i have always had a perfect horror2 and the dread of seeing the end of my independence1 makes me proportionately unwilling to part with my money4 ,the money that we possess is the instrument of liberty1 that which we lack and strive to obtain is the instrument of slavery4 ,thence it is that ,i hold fast to aught that ,i have1 and yet covet nothing more4 ,my disinterestedness1 then1 is in reality only idleness1 the pleasure of possessing is not in my estimation worth the trouble of acquiring3 and my dissipation is only another form of idleness2 when we have an opportunity of disbursing pleasantly we should make the best possible use of it4 ,i am less tempted by money than by other objects1 because between the moment of possessing the money and that of using it to obtain the desired object there is always an interval1 however short2 whereas to possess the thing is to enjoy it4 ,i see a thing and it tempts me2 but if ,i see not the thing itself but only the means of acquiring it1 ,i am not tempted4 ,therefore it is that ,i have been a pilferer1 and am so even now1 in the way of mere trifles to which ,i take a fancy1 and which ,i find it easier to take than to ask for2 but ,i never in my life recollect having taken a farthing from any one1 except about fifteen years ago1 when ,i stole seven francs and ten sous4 ,the story is worth recounting1 as it exhibits a concurrence of ignorance and stupidity ,i should scarcely credit1 did it relate to any but myself4 ,it was in ,paris3 ,i was walking with ,m4 de ,franceul at the ,palais ,royal2 he pulled out his watch1 he looked at it1 and said to me1 ,suppose we go to the opera8--,with all my heart4 ,we go3 he takes two box tickets1 gives me one1 and enters himself with the other2 ,i follow1 find the door crowded2 and1 looking in1 see every one standing2 judging1 therefore1 that ,m4 de ,franceul might suppose me concealed by the company1 ,i go out1 ask for my ticket1 and1 getting the money returned1 leave the house1 without considering1 that by then ,i had reached the door every one would be seated1 and ,m4 de ,franceul might readily perceive ,i was not there4 ,as nothing could be more opposite to my natural inclination than this abominable meanness1 ,i note it1 to show there are moments of delirium when men ought not to be judged by their actions3 this was not stealing the money1 it was only stealing the use of it1 and was the more infamous for wanting the excuse of a temptation4 ,i should never end these accounts1 was ,i to describe all the gradations through which ,i passed1 during my apprenticeship1 from the sublimity of a hero to the baseness of a villain4 ,though ,i entered into most of the vices of my situation1 ,i had no relish for its pleasures2 the amusements of my companions were displeasing1 and when too much restraint had made my business wearisome1 ,i had nothing to amuse me4 ,this renewed my taste for reading which had long been neglected4 ,i thus committed a fresh offence1 books made me neglect my work1 and brought on additional punishment1 while inclination1 strengthened by constraint1 became an unconquerable passion4 ,la ,tribu1 a well-known librarian1 furnished me with all kinds2 good or bad1 ,i perused them with avidity1 and without discrimination4 ,it will be said2 at length1 then1 money became necessary--true2 but this happened at a time when a taste for study had deprived me both of resolution and activity2 totally occupied by this new inclination1 ,i only wished to read1 ,i robbed no longer4 ,this is another of my peculiarities2 a mere nothing frequently calls me off from what ,i appear the most attached to2 ,i give in to the new idea2 it becomes a passion1 and immediately every former desire is forgotten4 ,reading was my new hobby2 my heart beat with impatience to run over the new book ,i carried in my pocket2 the first moment ,i was alone1 ,i seized the opportunity to draw it out1 and thought no longer of rummaging my master's closet4 ,i was even ashamed to think that ,i had been guilty of such meanness2 and had my amusements been more expensive1 ,i no longer felt an inclination to continue it4 ,la ,tribu gave me credit1 and when once ,i had the book in my possession1 ,i thought no more of the trifle ,i was to pay for it2 as money came it naturally passed to this woman2 and when she chanced to be pressing1 nothing was so conveniently at hand as my own effects2 to steal in advance required foresight1 and robbing to pay was no temptation4 ,the frequent blows ,i received from my master1 with my private and ill-chosen studies1 rendered me reserved1 unsociable1 and almost deranged my reason4 ,though my taste had not preserved me from silly unmeaning books1 by good fortune ,i was a stranger to licentious or obscene ones2 not that ,la ,tribu 7who was very accommodating7 had any scruple of lending these1 on the contrary1 to enhance their worth she spoke of them with an air of mystery2 this produced an effect she had not foreseen1 for both shame and disgust made me constantly refuse them4 ,chance so well seconded my bashful disposition1 that ,i was past the age of thirty before ,i saw any of those dangerous compositions4 ,in less than a year ,i had exhausted ,la ,tribu's scanty library1 and was unhappy for want of further amusement4 ,my reading1 though frequently bad1 had worn off my childish follies1 and brought back my heart to nobler sentiments than my condition had inspired2 meantime disgusted with all within my reach1 and thinking everything charming that was out of it1 my present situation appeared extremely miserable4 ,my passions began to acquire strength1 ,i felt their influence1 without knowing whither they would conduct me4 ,i sometimes1 indeed1 thought of my former follies1 but sought no further4 ,at this time my imagination took a turn which helped to calm my increasing emotions2 it was1 to contemplate those situations in the books ,i had read1 which produced the most striking effect on my mind2 to recall1 combine1 and apply them to myself in such a manner1 as to become one of the personages my recollection presented1 and be continually in those fancied circumstances which were most agreeable to my inclinations2 in a word1 by contriving to place myself in these fictitious situations1 the idea of my real one was in a great measure obliterated4 ,this fondness for imaginary objects1 and the facility with which ,i could gain possession of them1 completed my disgust for everything around me1 and fixed that inclination for solitude which has ever since been predominant4 ,we shall have more than once occasion to remark the effects of a disposition1 misanthropic and melancholy in appearance1 but which proceed1 in fact1 from a heart too affectionate1 too ardent1 which1 for want of similar dispositions1 is constrained to content itself with nonentities1 and be satisfied with fiction4 ,it is sufficient1 at present1 to have traced the origin of a propensity which has modified my passions1 set bounds to each1 and by giving too much ardor to my wishes1 has ever rendered me too indolent to obtain them4 ,thus ,i attained my sixteenth year1 uneasy1 discontented with myself and everything that surrounded me2 displeased with my occupation2 without enjoying the pleasures common to my age1 weeping without a cause1 sighing ,i knew not why1 and fond of my chimerical ideas for want of more valuable realities4 ,every ,sunday1 after sermon-time1 my companions came to fetch me out1 wishing me to partake of their diversions4 ,i would willingly have been excused1 but when once engaged in amusement1 ,i was more animated and enterprising than any of them2 it was equally difficult to engage or restrain me2 indeed1 this was ever a leading trait in my character4 ,in our country walks ,i was ever foremost1 and never thought of returning till reminded by some of my companions4 ,i was twice obliged to be from my master's the whole night1 the city gates having been shut before ,i could reach them4 ,the reader may imagine what treatment this procured me the following mornings2 but ,i was promised such a reception for the third1 that ,i made a firm resolution never to expose myself to the danger of it4 ,notwithstanding my determination1 ,i repeated this dreaded transgression1 my vigilance having been rendered useless by a cursed captain1 named ,m4 ,minutoli1 who1 when on guard1 always shut the gate he had charge of an hour before the usual time4 ,i was returning home with my two companions1 and had got within half a league of the city1 when ,i heard them beat the tattoo2 ,i redouble my pace1 ,i run with my utmost speed1 ,i approach the bridge1 see the soldiers already at their posts1 ,i call out to them in a suffocated voice--it is too late2 ,i am twenty paces from the guard1 the first bridge is already drawn up1 and ,i tremble to see those terrible horns advanced in the air which announce the fatal and inevitable destiny1 which from this moment began to pursue me4 ,i threw myself on the glacis in a transport of despair1 while my companions1 who only laughed at the accident1 immediately determined what to do4 ,my resolution1 though different from theirs1 was equally sudden2 on the spot1 ,i swore never to return to my master's1 and the next morning1 when my companions entered the city1 ,i bade them an eternal adieu1 conjuring them at the same time to inform my cousin ,bernard of my resolution1 and the place where he might see me for the last time4 ,from the commencement of my apprenticeship ,i had seldom seen him2 at first1 indeed1 we saw each other on ,sundays1 but each acquiring different habits1 our meetings were less frequent4 ,i am persuaded his mother contributed greatly towards this change2 he was to consider himself as a person of consequence1 ,i was a pitiful apprentice2 notwithstanding our relationship1 equality no longer subsisted between us1 and it was degrading himself to frequent my company4 ,as he had a natural good heart his mother's lessons did not take an immediate effect1 and for some time he continued to visit me4 ,having learned my resolution1 he hastened to the spot ,i had appointed1 not1 however1 to dissuade me from it1 but to render my flight agreeable1 by some trifling presents1 as my own resources would not have carried me far4 ,he gave me among other things1 a small sword1 which ,i was very proud of1 and took with me as far as ,turin1 where absolute want constrained me to dispose of it4 ,the more ,i reflect on his behavior at this critical moment1 the more ,i am persuaded he followed the instructions of his mother1 and perhaps his father likewise3 for1 had he been left to his own feelings1 he would have endeavored to retain1 or have been tempted to accompany me2 on the contrary1 he encouraged the design1 and when he saw me resolutely determined to pursue it1 without seeming much affected1 left me to my fate4 ,we never saw or wrote to each other from that time2 ,i cannot but regret this loss1 for his heart was essentially good1 and we seemed formed for a more lasting friendship4 ,before ,i abandon myself to the fatality of my destiny1 let me contemplate for a moment the prospect that awaited me had ,i fallen into the hands of a better master4 ,nothing could have been more agreeable to my disposition1 or more likely to confer happiness1 than the peaceful condition of a good artificer1 in so respectable a line as engravers are considered at ,geneva4 ,i could have obtained an easy subsistence1 if not a fortune2 this would have bounded my ambition2 ,i should have had means to indulge in moderate pleasures1 and should have continued in my natural sphere1 without meeting with any temptation to go beyond it4 ,having an imagination sufficiently fertile to embellish with its chimeras every situation1 and powerful enough to transport me from one to another1 it was immaterial in which ,i was fixed3 that was best adapted to me1 which1 requiring the least care or exertion1 left the mind most at liberty2 and this happiness ,i should have enjoyed4 ,in my native country1 in the bosom of my religion1 family and friends1 ,i should have passed a calm and peaceful life1 in the uniformity of a pleasing occupation1 and among connections dear to my heart4 ,i should have been a good ,christian1 a good citizen1 a good friend1 a good man4 ,i should have relished my condition1 perhaps have been an honor to it1 and after having passed a life of happy obscurity1 surrounded by my family1 ,i should have died at peace4 ,soon it may be forgotten1 but while remembered it would have been with tenderness and regret4 ,instead of this--what a picture am ,i about to draw6--,alas6 why should ,i anticipate the miseries ,i have endured8 ,the reader will have but too much of the melancholy subject4