,,martine',s    ,,hand-,,book ,,of      
,,etiquette1    ,,and    ,,guide ,,to   
,,true ,,politeness4     ,a ,,complete  
,,manual ,,for ,,those ,,who ,,desire   
,,to ,,understand ,,the ,,rules ,,of    
,,good   ,,breeding1 ,,the ,,customs    
,,of ,,good ,,society1 ,,and ,,to       
,,avoid ,,incorrect ,,and   ,,vulgar    
,,habits1     ,,containing    ,clear and
 ,comprehensive ,directions for ,correct
 ,manners1 ,dress1 and   ,conversation2 
,instructions for ,good ,behavior at    
,dinner ,parties1 and the ,table1 with  
,hints on the ,art of ,carving and      
,taking ,wine at ,table2    ,together   
with the ,etiquette of the ,ball and    
,assembly ,room1 ,evening   ,parties2   
,deportment in the ,street and when     
,travelling2    ,and the ,usages to be  
,observed when ,visiting or ,receiving  
,calls4     ,,to ,,which ,,is ,,added   
,,the ,,etiquette ,,of ,,courtship1     
,,marriage1 ,,domestic ,,duties1 ,,and  
,,fifty-,,six   ,,rules ,,to ,,be       
,,observed ,,in ,,general ,,society4    

,,by ,,arthur ,,martine4    ,,new       
,,york3   ,,dick  ,,fitzgerald1         
,,publishers4     ,entered according to 
,act of ,congress1 in the year #ahff1 by
    ,,dick  ,,fitzgerald1    ,in the    
,clerk's office of the ,district ,court 
of the ,united ,states for   the        
,southern ,district of ,new ,york4      
,,contents4     ,general ,observations  
#e    ,the ,art of ,conversation        
#h    ,general ,rules for ,conversation 
#bd    ,on ,dress                       
#dh    ,introductions                   
#eg    ,letters of ,introduction        
#fa    ,dinner ,parties                 
#fc    ,habits at ,table                
#fg    ,wine at ,table                  
#gd    ,carving                         
#hb    ,etiquette of the ,ball and      
,assembly ,room      #ic    ,evening    
,parties                                
#ajd    ,visiting                       
#aac    ,street ,etiquette              
#abg    ,traveling                      
#acc    ,marriage                       

#acf    ,domestic ,etiquette and ,duties
               #add    ,on ,general     
,society                          #aed  
,,general ,,observations4   ,politeness 
has been defined as an artificial       
good-nature2 but it would be better said
 that good-nature is natural politeness4
 ,it inspires us with an unremitting    
attention1 both to please others and to 
avoid giving them offence4 ,its code is 
a ceremonial1 agreed upon and           
established among mankind1 to give each 
other external testimonies of friendship
 or respect4 ,politeness and etiquette  
form a sort of supplement to the law1   
which enables society to protect itself 
against offences which the law cannot   
touch4 ,for instance1 the law cannot    
punish a man for habitually staring at  
people in an insolent and annoying      
manner1 but etiquette can banish such an
 offender from the circles of good      
society1 and fix upon him the brand of  
vulgarity4 ,etiquette consists in       
certain forms1 ceremonies1 and rules    

which the principle of politeness       
establishes and enforces for the        
regulation of the manners of men and    
women in their intercourse with each    
other4  ,many unthinking persons        
consider the observance of etiquette to 
be nonsensical and unfriendly1 as       
consisting of unmeaning forms1 practiced
 only by the silly and the idle2 an     
opinion which arises from their not     
having reflected on the reasons that    
have led to the establishment of certain
 rules indispensable to the well-being  
of society1 and without which1 indeed1  
it would inevitably fall to pieces1 and 
be destroyed4  ,the true aim of         
politeness1 is to make those with whom  
you associate as well satisfied with    
themselves as possible4 ,it does not1 by
 any means1 encourage an impudent       
self-importance in them1 but it does    
whatever it can to accommodate their    
feelings and wishes in social           
intercourse4 ,politeness is a sort of   
social benevolence1 which avoids        

wounding the pride1 or shocking the     
prejudices of those around you4  ,the   
principle of politeness is the same     
among all nations1 but the ceremonials  
which etiquette imposes differ according
 to the taste and habits of various     
countries4 ,for instance1 many of the   
minor rules of etiquette at ,paris      
differ from those at ,london2 and at    
,new ,york they may differ from both    
,paris and ,london4 ,but still the      
polite of every country have about the  
same manners4  ,of the manners and      
deportment of both ladies and gentlemen1
 we would remark that a proper          
consideration for the welfare and       
comfort of others will generally lead to
 a greater propriety of demeanor than   
any rules which the most rigid master of
 etiquette could supply4 ,this feeling1 
however1 is one that must be cultivated1
 for the promptings of nature are       
eminently selfish1 and courtesy and     
good-breeding are only attainable by    
effort and discipline4 ,but even        

courtesy has limits where dignity should
 govern it1 for when carried to excess1 
particularly in manner1 it borders on   
sycophancy1 which is almost as          
despicable as rudeness4 ,to overburden  
people with attention2 to render them   
uncomfortable with a prodigality of     
proffered services2 to insist upon      
obligations which they do not desire1 is
 not only to render yourself            
disagreeable1 but contemptible4 ,this   
defect of manners is particularly       
prevalent in the rural districts1 where 
the intense effort to render a visitor  
comfortable has exactly the contrary    
effect2 besides1 there are those whose  
want of refinement and good breeding    
often leads them to an unwarrantable    
familiarity1 which requires coldness and
 indifference to subdue4  ,much         
misconstruction and unpleasant feeling  
arises1 especially in country towns1    
from not knowing what is expected1 or   
necessary to be done on certain         
occasions1 resulting sometimes from the 

prevalence of local customs1 with which 
the world in general are not supposed to
 be acquainted4 ,to do in ,rome as the  
,romans do1 applies to every kind of    
society4 ,at the same time1 you can     
never be expected to commit a serious   
breach of manners because your neighbors
 do so4  ,but what you should do1 and   
what not1 in particular cases1 you will 
learn in the following chapters4 ,i have
 only now to say1 that if you wish to be
 agreeable1 which is certainly a good   
and religious desire1 you must both     
study how to be so1 and take the trouble
 to put your studies into constant      
practice4 ,the fruit you will soon reap4
 ,you will be generally liked and loved4
 ,the gratitude of those to whom you    
have devoted yourself will be shown in  
speaking well of you2 you will become a 
desirable addition to every party1 and  
whatever your birth1 fortune1 or        
position1 people will say of you1 ,he is
 a most agreeable and well-bred man1 and
 be glad to introduce you to good       

society4 ,but you will reap a yet better
 reward4 ,you will have in yourself the 
satisfaction of having taken trouble and
 made sacrifices in order to give       
pleasure and happiness for the time to  
others4 ,how do you know what grief or  
care you may not obliterate1 what       
humiliation you may not alter to        
confidence1 what anxiety you may not    
soften1 what--last1 but really not      
least--what intense dullness you may not
 enliven8 ,if this work assist you in   
becoming an agreeable member of good    
society1 ,i shall rejoice at the labor  
it has given me4     ,,the ,,art ,,of   
,,conversation4   ,as the object of     
conversation is pleasure and            
improvement1 those subjects only which  
are of universal interest can be made   
legitimate topics of pleasantry or      
discussion4 ,and it is the gift of      
expressing thoughts and fancies in a    
quick1 brilliant1 and graceful manner on
 such topics1--of striking out new      
ideas1 eliciting the views and opinions 

of others1 of attaching the interest of 
all to the subject discussed1 giving it1
 however trifling in itself1 weight and 
importance in the estimation of the     
hearers1 that constitutes the great     
talent for conversation4 ,but this      
talent can never1 we may safely aver1 be
 displayed except in a good cause1 and  
when conversation is carried on in a    
spirit of genuine charity and           
benevolence4  ,we should meet in society
 to please and be pleased1 and not to   
display cold and stately dignity1 which 
is as much out of place1 as all attempts
 to shine by a skillful adherence to the
 fantastic rules of the silver-fork     
school1 are puerile and ludicrous4 ,such
 little things are great to little      
persons1 who are proud of having        
acquired by rote1 what the naturally    
elegant derive1 in sufficient measure1  
from naturally just feeling4  ,the power
 of preserving silence is the very first
 requisite to all who wish to shine1 or 
even please in discourse2 and those who 

cannot preserve it1 have really no      
business to speak4 ,of course1 ,i do not
 mean the dull1 ignorant1 sulky1 or     
supercilious silence1 of which we see   
enough in all conscience2 but the       
graceful1 winning and eloquent silence4 
,the silence that1 without any          
deferential air1 listens with polite    
attention1 is more flattering than      
compliments1 and more frequently broken 
for the purpose of encouraging others to
 speak1 than to display the listener's  
own powers4 ,this is the really eloquent
 silence4 ,it requires great            
genius--more perhaps than speaking--and 
few are gifted with the talent2 but it  
is of such essential advantage1 that ,i 
must recommend its study to all who are 
desirous to take a share in             
conversation1 and beg they will learn to
 be silent1 before they attempt to      
speak4  ,notwithstanding the praise here
 bestowed on silence1 it must still be  
explained that there are various modes  
of being silently rude4 ,there is the   

rude silence of disdain--of not hearing1
 of not even deeming your words         
deserving attention or reply4 ,these are
 minor and mere passive modes of        
impertinence2 the direct and active sort
 of silent rudeness is to listen with a 
fixed and attentive stare on the        
speaker1 and without any necessity of   
raising the eyebrows--for that might be 
precarious--show your utter amazement1  
that any one should think of thus       
addressing a person of your rank1       
wealth1 genius1 or greatness4 ,there are
 of course various styles and degrees in
 all these modes of impertinence1 but   
they all originate in the same cause3   
ignorance of the real facility of being 
rude1 and a wish to acquire distinction 
by the practice4 ,it is idle to assert  
that every one can be rude if he likes2 
for1 if such were the fact1 we should   
not see hosts of persons belonging to   
what is termed good society1 seeking    
fame and renown by various shades and   
degrees of mere impertinence4  ,never   

give short or sharp answers in ordinary 
conversation1 unless you aspire to gain 
distinction by mere rudeness2 for they  
have in fact no merit1 and are only     
uncivil4 ,i do not know1 ,i cannot tell1
 are the most harmless words possible1  
and may yet be rendered very offensive  
by the tone and manner in which they are
 pronounced4 ,never reply1 in answer to 
a question like the following1 ,did     
,mrs4 ,spitewell tell you how ,miss     
,rosebud's marriage was getting on8 ,i  
did not ask4 ,it is almost like saying1 
,i never ask impertinent questions1     
though you do2 we learn plenty of things
 in the world without having first      
inquired about them4 ,if you must say1  
you did not ask1 say1 that you forgot to
 ask1 neglected it1 or did not think of 
it4 ,we can always be ordinarily civil1 
even if we cannot always be absolutely  
wise4  ,except in mere sport and        
raillery1 and where a little            
extravaganza is the order of the moment1
 always when you answer1 or speak in    

reply to an observation made1 speak to  
the true and just import of what is     
said4 ,leave quibbling of every kind to 
lawyers pleading at the bar for the life
 of a culprit2 in society and           
conversation it is invariably out of    
place1 unless when ,laughter is going   
his merry round4 ,at all other times it 
is a proof of bad breeding4  ,you must  
not overstretch a proposition1 neither  
must you overstretch or spin out a jest1
 that has done its duty2 for few can be 
made to rebound after they have once    
come to the ground4  ,another mode of   
being rude1 is to collect1 and have at  
command1 all the set phrases used by    
uncivil persons1 in order to say what   
they fancy very sharp and severe things4
 ,such a collector1 jealous perhaps of  
the attention with which a pleasant     
guest is listened to1 may break in upon 
the most harmless discourse with the    
words1 ,i think you lie under a mistake4
 ,the term may in itself be harmless1   
but its application is at all times     

rude1 coarse and decidedly vulgar4  ,la 
,bruyere tells us that rudeness is not a
 fixed and inherent vice of the mind1   
but the result of other vices2 it       
springs1 he says1 from vanity1          
ignorance1 laziness1 stupidity1         
jealousy1 and inattention4 ,it is the   
more hateful from being constantly      
displayed in exterior deportment and    
from being thus always visible and      
manifest2 and is offensive in character 
and degree according to the source from 
which it takes its rise4  ,we next come 
to the loud talker1 the man who silences
 a whole party by his sole power of     
lungs4 ,all subjects are alike to him2  
he speaks on every topic with equal     
fluency1 is never at a loss1 quotes high
 authority for every assertion1 and     
allows no one else to utter a word2 he  
silences1 without the least ceremony1   
every attempt at interruption1 however  
cleverly managed2--calls out1 ,i beg    
your pardon1 in a tone that shows how   
ill-used he thinks himself1--or shuts   

your mouth with--,one minute1 if you    
please1 sir6 as much as to say1 you are 
surely a very ill-bred fellow4 ,great1  
and especially loud and positive        
talkers1 have been denounced by all     
writers on manners as shallow and       
superficial persons4 ,and ,p4 ,andre1   
the author of a ,french ,essay on the   
,beautiful1 declares distinctly1 that no
 man of sense was ever a great talker4  
,next to the talker1 we have the man who
 gives an account of his dogs1 horses1  
lands1 books1 and pictures4 ,whatever is
 his1 must1 he thinks1 interest others2 
and listen they must1 however resolutely
 they may attempt to change the current 
of his discourse4  ,women of this class 
are sometimes too fond of praising their
 children4 ,it is no doubt an amiable   
weakness2 but ,i would still advise them
 to indulge as little as possible in the
 practice2 for however dear the         
rosy-cheeked1 curly-headed prattlers may
 be to them1 the chances are1 that      
others will vote the darlings to be     

great bores2 you that have children1    
never speak of them in company4 ,you    
must not even praise your near          
relations2 for the subject deprives the 
hearer of all power to dissent1 and is  
therefore clearly objectionable4  ,in   
the same line is the clever bore1 who   
takes up every idle speech1 to show his 
wisdom at a cheap rate4 ,if you say1    
,hang the weather6 before such a man1 he
 immediately proves1 by logical         
demonstrations1 that the weather has no 
neck by which it can be suspended4 ,the 
grave expounder of truisms belongs to   
this class4 ,he cannot allow the        
simplest conversation to go on1 without 
entering into proofs and details        
familiar to every child nine years of   
age2 and the tenor of his discourse1    
however courteous in terms and manner1  
pays you the very indifferent           
compliment1 of supposing that you have  
fallen from some other planet1 in total 
and absolute ignorance of the most      
ordinary and every-day things connected 

with this little world of ours4 ,all    
foreigners are particularly great at    
this style of boring4  ,then you have   
the indifferent and apathetic bore1 who 
hardly condescends to pay the least     
attention to what you say2 and who1 if  
he refrains from the direct and absolute
 rudeness of yawning in your face1      
shows1 by short and drawling answers1   
given at fits and starts1 and completely
 at variance with the object of the     
conversation1 that he affects at least a
 total indifference to the party        
present1 and to the subject of          
discourse4 ,in society1 the absent man  
is uncivil2 he who affects to be so1 is 
rude and vulgar4 ,all persons who speak 
of their ailings1 diseases1 or bodily   
infirmities1 are offensive bores4       
,subjects of this sort should be        
addressed to doctors1 who are paid for  
listening to them1 and to no one else4  
,bad taste is the failing of these      
bores4 ,then we have the ladies and     
gentlemen who pay long visits1 and who1 

meeting you at the door prepared to     
sally forth1 keep you talking near the  
fire till the beauty of the day is      
passed2 and then take their leave1      
hoping they have not detained you4 ,bad 
feeling or want of tact here            
predominates4  ,hobby-riders1 who       
constantly speak on the same eternal    
subject1--who bore you at all times and 
at all hours1--whether you are in health
 or in sickness1 in spirits or in       
sorrow1 with the same endless topic1    
must not be overlooked in our list2     
though it is sufficient to denounce     
them4 ,their failing is occasioned by a 
total want of judgment4  ,the ,malaprops
 are also a numerous and unhappy family1
 for they are constantly addressing the 
most unsuitable speeches to individuals 
or parties4 ,to the blind they will     
speak of fine pictures and scenery2 and 
will entertain a person in deep mourning
 with the anticipated pleasures of      
to-morrow's ball4 ,a total want of      
ordinary thought and observation1 is the

 general cause of the ,malaprop failing4
  ,let us add to this very imperfect    
list the picture of a bore described by 
,swift4 ,nothing1 he says1 is more      
generally exploded than the folly of    
talking too much2 yet ,i rarely remember
 to have seen five people together1     
where some one among them hath not been 
predominant in that kind1 to the great  
constraint and disgust of all the rest4 
,but among such as deal in multitudes of
 words1 none are comparable to the      
sober1 deliberate talker1 who proceedeth
 with much thought and caution1 maketh  
his preface1 brancheth out into several 
digressions1 findeth a hint that putteth
 him in mind of another story1 which he 
promises to tell you when this is done1 
cometh back regularly to his subject1   
cannot readily call to mind some        
person's name1 holdeth his head1        
complaineth of his memory2 the whole    
company all this while in suspense2 at  
last says1 it is no matter1 and so goes 
on4 ,and to crown the business1 it      

perhaps proveth at last a story the     
company has heard fifty times before1 or
 at best some insipid adventure of the  
relater4  ,to this we may add1 that your
 cool1 steady talkers1 who speak with   
the care and attention of professors    
demonstrating mathematical              
problems1--who weigh1 measure and       
balance every word they utter1--are all 
decided objectionables in society4 ,it  
is needless to say1 that such persons   
never blunder1 and never stumble over a 
potato2 a matter of little              
recommendation4 ,in conversation there  
must be1 as in love and in war1 some    
hazarding1 some rattling on2 nor need   
twenty falls affect you1 so long as you 
take cheerfulness and good humor for    
your guides2 but the careful and        
measured conversation just described is 
always1 though perfectly correct1       
extremely dull and tedious--a vast      
blunder from first to last4  ,there are 
also many persons who commence speaking 
before they know what they are going to 

say4 ,the ill-natured world1 who never  
miss an opportunity of being severe1    
declare them to be foolish and destitute
 of brains4 ,i shall not go so far2 but 
hardly know what we should think of a   
sportsman who would attempt to bring    
down a bird before he had loaded his    
gun4  ,i have purposely reserved the    
egotistical bore for the last on this   
short and imperfect list4 ,it is truly  
revolting1 indeed1 to approach the very 
,boa-constrictor of good society2 the   
snake who comes upon us1 not in the     
natural form of a huge1 coarse1 slow    
reptile1 but ,proteus-like1 in a        
thousand different forms2 though all    
displaying at the first sight the       
boa-bore1 ready to slime over every     
subject of discourse with the vile      
saliva of selfish vanity4 ,pah6 it is   
repulsive even to speak of the species1 
numerous1 too1 as the sands along the   
shore4  ,some of the class make no      
ceremony of immediately intruding       
themselves and their affairs on the     

attention of a whole party2 of silencing
 every other subject started1 however   
interesting to the company1 merely that 
they may occupy the prominent and most  
conspicuous position4 ,others again are 
more dexterous1 and with great art will 
lie on the watch to hook in their own   
praise4 ,they will call a witness to    
remember they always foretold what would
 happen in such a case1 but none would  
believe them2 they advised such a man   
from the beginning1 and told him the    
consequences just as they happened2 but 
he would have his own way4 ,others make 
a vanity of telling their own faults2   
they are the strangest men in the world2
 they cannot dissemble2 they own it is a
 folly2 they have lost abundance of     
advantages by it2 but if you would give 
them the world1 they cannot help it2    
there is something in their nature that 
abhors insincerity and constraint1 with 
many other insufferable topics of the   
same altitude4 ,thus1 though bores find 
their account in speaking ill or well of

 themselves1 it is the characteristic of
 a gentleman that he never speaks of    
himself at all4  ,la ,bruyere says1 ,the
 great charm of conversation consists   
less in the display of one's own wit and
 intelligence1 than in the power to draw
 forth the resources of others2 he who  
leaves you after a long conversation1   
pleased with himself and the part he has
 taken in the discourse1 will be your   
warmest admirer4 ,men do not care to    
admire you1 they wish you to be pleased 
with them2 they do not seek for         
instruction or even amusement from your 
discourse1 but they do wish you to be   
made acquainted with their talents and  
powers of conversation2 and the true man
 of genius will delicately make all who 
come in contact with him feel the       
exquisite satisfaction of knowing that  
they have appeared to advantage4  ,i    
have no desire to condemn my readers to 
eternal silence2 but must inform them   
that it is not so easy to shine in      
conversation as many suppose4 ,fluency  

of tongue and a little modest assurance1
 though very well for imposing on the   
unwary1 go but a short way when you have
 to deal with those who are really worth
 pleasing4  ,how can a person shine by  
conversation in elegant and educated    
society1 whose thoughts have never      
ranged beyond the gratification of      
foolish vanity and mean selfishness2 who
 has never reflected on life1 men and   
manners2 whose mind has not turned to   
the contemplation of the works and      
wonders of nature2 and who1 in the      
events of his own time1 has not seen the
 results of the many deeds of sorrow1   
shame1 greatness1 and glory1 that crowd 
the pages of the world's variegated     
annals8 ,whoever would shine in polite  
discourse must at least be well versed  
in the philosophy of life1 and possess a
 fair acquaintance with general and     
natural history1 and the outlines of    
science4 ,and though he need be neither 
a poet nor an artist1 he must be well   
read in poetry and acquainted with fine 

arts2 because it is only by their study 
that taste can be cultivated and fancy  
guided4 ,a familiarity with the fine    
arts is necessary1 in fact1 to give him 
a just perception of the sublime and    
beautiful1 the very foundation whence   
our emotions of delight must arise4 ,any
 one attempting to shine in             
conversation1 without possessing the    
trifling acquirements here              
mentioned1--for ,i have said nothing of 
learning and science1--will most        
assuredly make an indifferent figure1   
and had better therefore content himself
 with simply pleasing by unaffected     
cheerfulness and good humor1 which is   
within reach of all4  ,as to subjects   
for conversation1 what difficulty can   
there be about them8 ,will not books1   
balls1 bonnets and metaphysics furnish  
pleasant topics of discourse8 ,can you  
not speak of the        ,philosophy and 
science1 and the springs       ,of      
wonder1 and the wisdom of the world8--  
,are flirtations1 traveling1 love and   

speech-making at an end2 or is the great
 globe itself and the weather on its    
surface so perfectly stationary that you
 can find nothing to say about them8    
,no1 no1 let us not deceive ourselves2  
we never want subjects of conversation2 
but we often want the knowledge how to  
treat them2 above all1 how to bring them
 forward in a graceful and pleasing     
manner4 ,we often want observation and a
 just estimate of character1 and do not 
know how1 in the present defective state
 of society1 any passing remark intended
 to open a conversation may be received4
  ,cheerfulness1 unaffected             
cheerfulness1 a sincere desire to please
 and be pleased1 unchecked by any       
efforts to shine1 are the qualities you 
must bring with you into society1 if you
 wish to succeed in conversation4 ,under
 the influence of their recommendation1 
you may safely give the rein to fancy   
and hilarity1 certain that1 in a        
well-assorted party1 you will make at   
least a favorable impression1 if not a  

brilliant one4 ,i do not of course mean 
by cheerfulness any outbreaking of loud 
and silly mirth1 nor what the world     
sometimes calls a high flow of spirits1 
but a light and airy equanimity of      
temper1--that spirit which never rises  
to boisterousness1 and never sinks to   
immovable dullness2 that moves          
gracefully from grave to gay1 from      
serious to serene1 and by mere manner   
gives proof of a feeling heart and      
generous mind4  ,franklin says1 that you
 must never contradict in conversation1 
nor correct facts if wrongly stated4    
,this is going much too far2 you must   
never contradict in a short1 direct1 or 
positive tone2 but with politeness1 you 
may easily1 when necessary1 express a   
difference of opinion in a graceful and 
even complimentary manner4 ,and ,i would
 almost say1 that the art of            
conversation consists in knowing how to 
contradict1 and when to be silent2 for1 
as to constantly acting a fawning and   
meanly deferential part in society1 it  

is offensive to all persons of good     
sense and good feeling4 ,in regard to   
facts wrongly stated1 no well-bred man  
ever thinks of correcting them1 merely  
to show his wisdom in trifles2 but with 
politeness1 it is perfectly easy to     
rectify an error1 when the nature of the
 conversation demands the explanation4  
,whenever the lady or gentleman with    
whom you are discussing a point1 whether
 of love1 war1 science or politics1     
begins to sophisticate1 drop the subject
 instantly4 ,your adversary either wants
 the ability to maintain his            
opinion1--and then it would be uncivil  
to press it--or he wants the still more 
useful ability to yield the point with  
unaffected grace and good-humor2 or what
 is also possible1 his vanity is in some
 way engaged in defending views on which
 he may probably have acted1 so that to 
demolish his opinions is perhaps to     
reprove his conduct1 and no well-bred   
man goes into society for the purpose of
 sermonizing4  ,all local wits1 all     

those whose jests are understood only   
within the range of their own circle or 
coterie1 are decided objectionables in  
general society4 ,it is the height of   
ill-breeding1 in fact1 to converse1 or  
jest1 on subjects that are not perfectly
 understood by the party at large2 it is
 a species of rude mystification1 as    
uncivil as whispering1 or as speaking in
 language that may not be familiar to   
some of the party4 ,but you must not    
make a fool of yourself1 even if others 
show themselves deficient in good       
manners2 and must not1 like inflated    
simpletons1 fancy yourself the object of
 every idle jest you do not understand1 
or of every laugh that chance may have  
called forth4 ,ladies and gentlemen feel
 that they are neither laughed at nor   
ridiculed4  ,in society1 the object of  
conversation is of course entertainment 
and improvement1 and it must1 therefore1
 be adapted to the circle in which it is
 carried on1 and must be neither too    
high nor too deep for the party at      

large1 so that every one may contribute 
his share1 just at his pleasure1 and to 
the best of his ability4 ,let no two or 
three old ,indians1 old school-fellows1 
or old brother campaigners1 seize upon  
the conversation to themselves1 discuss 
their former adventures1 and keep the   
rest of a party listening silently to an
 animated conversation about exploded   
stories1 of which they know nothing and 
care as little4  ,lord ,chesterfield    
advises his son to speak often1 but not 
to speak much at a time2 so that if he  
does not please1 he will not at least   
displease to any great extent4 ,a good  
observer should easily1 ,i think1 be    
able to discover whether he pleases or  
not4  ,rousseau tells us1 that persons  
who know little talk a great deal1 while
 those who know a great deal say very   
little4  ,if the discourse is of a grave
 or serious nature1 and interesting to  
the party1 or to any number of the      
party1 never break in upon it with any  
display of idle wit or levity2 for      

nothing shows so great a want of good   
manners2 nor must you ever ridicule or  
doubt the existence of any noble        
enthusiasm that may have called forth   
expressions of admiration2 for there is 
no want of high worth1 patriotism1 honor
 and disinterestedness on earth4 ,your  
incredulity might therefore be unjust1  
and it is at all times a proof of bad   
taste to ridicule what others admire4   
,if you join in the graver conversation1
 intended to move the deeper feelings of
 the heart1 do so without affectation1  
without overstretching sentiments1 or   
bringing in far-fetched ideas for the   
sake of producing effect1 otherwise you 
will be sure to fail4 ,avoid1 above all1
 when on such topics1 any stringing     
together of unmeaning words2 for bad as 
the practice of substituting sound for  
sense is at all times1 it is doubly so  
when conversation takes the direction of
 which we are speaking1 as it then shows
 the jingler to want feelings as well as
 ideas4 ,speak from the heart1 when you 

speak to the heart2 only making judgment
 prune the expressions of deep feeling1 
without checking the noble sentiments   
that may have called them forth4  ,the  
reason which renders this pruning system
 advisable is1 that society swarms with 
worthy1 respectable persons1 possessing 
an ordinary share of superficial        
good-nature1 but so destitute of actual 
feeling1 as not even to understand its  
language2 and who1 without being        
scoffers1 will be inclined to laugh at  
expressions that convey no ideas to     
their minds4  ,the same reason should   
serve as a warning to all gentlemen     
against writing love-letters2 for if a  
gentle swain is really and truly in     
love1 he will write under excited       
feelings2 and a letter written with a   
palpitating heart1 threatening to break 
a rib at every throb1 can hardly fail to
 appear a little ridiculous in the eyes 
of all who may not chance to be exactly 
in the same frame of mind1 or possessed 
of the same degree of feeling with the  

writer4  ,there is a giggling and       
laughing tone1 in which ladies and      
gentlemen sometimes endeavor to         
speak1--an attempt to continue a series 
of jests from the first to last1 which  
is not only foolish1 but actually       
offensive4 ,conversation can never be   
kept up to the laughing point during a  
whole evening1--not even during a       
morning visit2 and efforts to excite    
laughter by overstrained jests are as   
repulsive as overstrained efforts to    
groan and grimace it4 ,the natural flow 
of discourse must be calm and serene2 if
 wit1 whim1 fun and fire are present1   
they will not fail to flash brightly    
along its surface2 but they can never   
constitute the main body of the stream  
itself4  ,different parties1 different  
tones no doubt1 and an assembly of grave
 doctors and professors1 meeting to     
discuss some learned subject1 may treat 
it in their own way2 here we can only   
speak of general society4 ,it is said1  
that the guests at a pleasant dinner    

party should never exceed the number of 
the ,muses1 nor fall below that of the  
,graces4 ,and this may be true2 but a   
party of three or four is already very  
different in character1--independent of 
the difference occasioned by the        
characters of the guests1--from what a  
party of eight or nine will be4 ,in     
small parties of this kind1 numbers     
alone exercise great influence4 ,but    
large or small1 always recollect that   
you can have no right to complain of the
 dullness of the conversation1 unless   
you have contributed your best efforts  
to render it cheerful4  ,nor is it      
always right to condemn a person for    
being silent in company1 as this often  
results from the nature of the party1   
which may be ill-assorted1 though       
composed of deserving people4 ,no one   
can maintain a conversation by himself2 
the very best speaker must still be     
aided by others1 who must lend          
assistance in the proper spirit1        
befitting the nature of the discourse2  

for a rude and forward person1 wishing  
to shine1 can easily crush the efforts  
of the most perfect gentleman1 and give 
an unfavorable tone and turn to a       
pleasant conversation4  ,in ordinary    
conversation1 the modulation and proper 
management of the voice is a point to   
which ,i would particularly call the    
attention of young ladies2 for a fine   
and melodious voice1 sweet as music on  
the waters1 makes the heart-strings     
vibrate to their very core4 ,this can   
only be done by a certain degree of     
confidence1 and by a total absence of   
affectation2 for uncertainty1 agitation 
and striving for effect are always      
ruinous to the voice of the speaker1    
which is constantly running against     
breakers1 or getting upon flats4 ,i am  
certain that temper and disposition are 
far more generally1 and more perfectly  
marked by the voice and manner of       
speaking1 than we are at all willing to 
allow4  ,the thin1 small voice is the   
most difficult to manage1 as it is      

liable to degenerate into shrillness2   
and ladies who have this kind of voice  
must keep strict guard over their       
temper1 when within hearing of any one  
on whom they may wish to make a         
favorable impression2 for the very idea 
of a shrill-voiced scold makes us place 
our hands to our ears4 ,but with a sweet
 temper1 a pretty1 little1 harmonious   
voice is pleasing enough4 ,always       
recollect1 however1 that affectation1   
constraint1 or striving for effect1 is  
the certain ruin of the prettiest voice 
in the world4  ,the very deep-toned     
voice1 though extremely effective when  
well controlled1 has great difficulties2
 for unless backed by kind1 cheerful and
 airy feeling1 by that bright spirit    
which is always gladness1 it is liable  
to fall into a coarse1 rude and vulgar  
tone1 and should never be heard except  
at times of brilliant sunshine4 ,the    
owners of such voices should never think
 of getting angry1 nor even indulge in  
saying what they may fancy sharp or     

severe things1 as the chances are that  
they will prove only rude ones4         
,stories1 however good--and they are    
often to be recommended--suffer under   
one of the disadvantages to which       
anecdotes are liable1--they do not bear 
repetition2 and no one can be expected  
to possess a stock that shall furnish   
new and acceptable wares on every       
occasion4 ,they form in conversation the
 resource of those who want imagination1
 and must be received with indulgence2  
but to deserve this favor1 they must be 
short1 well told1 well pointed1 and     
judiciously adapted to the feelings and 
composition of the party4 ,we have all  
of us at times known a good story or    
anecdote introduced under such          
inappropriate circumstances1 as to make 
a whole party look grave and feel       
uncomfortable4  ,the honor of           
demolishing the weavers of long tales   
shall be left to ,cowper4        ,but   
sedentary weavers of long tales         
,give me the fidgets1 and my patience   

fails4       ',tis the most asinine     
employ on earth1       ,to hear them    
tell of parentage and birth2       ,and 
echo conversations dull and dry1        
,embellished  with he said and so said  
,i4       ,at every interview their     
route the same1       ,the repetition   
makes attention lame2       ,we bristle 
up with unsuccessful speed1       ,and  
in the saddest part1 cry--,droll1       
indeed4  ,let the reader only get these 
verses by heart1 and repeat a line      
occasionally to show that he recollects 
them1 and we shall soon find society    
relieved from these spinners of dull    
yarns4  ,some gentlemen have a talent   
for placing things in a grotesque1      
exaggerated and ludicrous light2 and of 
extemporizing burlesque anecdotes in a  
whimsical and amusing manner4 ,it is a  
happy gift1 of which excellent use can  
be made in society2 but tact and taste  
must1 as usual1 keep a firm rein1 for   
nothing that is seriously treated by    
others must ever be burlesqued and      

turned into ridicule4 ,the grotesque    
style is only applicable when the ground
 is fairly open1 or when jesting1       
bantering and exaggeration are the order
 of the minute2 and then it may be      
rendered charming4  ,let no one suppose 
that mimicry is to be sanctioned under  
this head2 far from it1 indeed4 ,a      
little graceful imitation of actors and 
public speakers may be allowed4         
,national manners1 and the peculiarities
 of entire classes1 are fair game4      
,french dandies1 ,yankee bargainers1 and
 ,english exquisites1 may be ridiculed  
at pleasure2 you may even bring forward 
,irish porters1 cab-drivers and         
bog-trotters1--provided you can imitate 
their wit and humor2 but ,i do not think
 ,i ever saw any mimicry of private     
individuals well received by well-bred  
persons4 ,nor is this to be wondered at1
 since mimicry borders so closely on    
buffoonery1 as generally to end in      
absolute vulgarity4 ,ladies1 however1   
may be permitted to mimic their friends 

a little1 provided they rarely indulge  
in the practice1 and never transgress   
the bounds of good taste and elegance4  
,we meet occasionally in society with   
persons belonging to a class1 not       
numerous indeed1 but deserving notice1  
as they are mostly ladies1 and often    
worth reclaiming2 for want of a better  
term ,i shall call them ,icicles1       
because they only shine and cannot warm4
 ,the ,icicles may be kind1 clever1 of  
cultivated mind1 and in every respect   
well disposed to become agreeable1--but 
cannot speak or converse on any one     
subject4 ,they are constantly witty and 
ingenious1 place every proposition or   
general question asked1 in some amusing1
 novel or extravagant light1 but never  
answer or speak up to the point2 so that
 you may converse with them for hours1  
and be acquainted with them for years1  
without knowing their opinion upon any  
one subject2 without knowing even       
whether they have an opinion on any one 
subject4 ,nor does this always result   

from affectation1 or from efforts to    
shine2 it springs as often from a faulty
 tone1 and the fear of not being        
sufficiently clever1 when attempting to 
be rational1 as from any other source4  
,i have seen persons lose a great deal  
by this absurd system1 and fall far     
short of what they might have been had  
they merely followed the beaten track2  
and as a maxim would have you recollect1
 that few good things are ever said by  
those who are constantly striving to say
 extraordinary ones4     ,,general      
,,rules ,,for ,,conversation4   ,as     
order or method are of very little      
consequence in treating of this subject1
 ,i will conclude by giving a series of 
rules upon the art of conversation1     
couched in a few words1 from which the  
reader may furnish himself with a       
competent knowledge of what is to be    
studied1 and what to be avoided4 ,there 
are few of the following sentences that 
will not furnish a good deal of thought1
 or that are to be understood to their  

full extent without some consideration4 
,whatever passes in parties at your own 
or another's house is never repeated by 
well-bred people4 ,things of no moment1 
and which are meant only as harmless    
jokes1 are liable to produce unpleasant 
consequences if repeated4 ,to repeat1   
therefore1 any conversation which passes
 on such occasions1 is understood to be 
a breach of confidence1 which should    
banish the offender from the pale of    
good society4  ,men of all sorts of     
occupations meet in society4 ,as they go
 there to unbend their minds and escape 
from the fetters of business1 you should
 never1 in an evening1 speak to a man   
about his profession4 ,do not talk of   
politics to a journalist1 of fevers to a
 physician1 of stocks to a broker1--nor1
 unless you wish to enrage him to the   
utmost1 of education to a collegian4    
,the error which is here condemned is   
often committed from mere good nature   
and a desire to be affable4 ,but it     
betrays to a gentleman1 ignorance of the

 world1--to a philosopher1 ignorance of 
human nature4  ,a gentleman will1 by all
 means1 avoid showing his learning and  
accomplishments in the presence of      
ignorant and vulgar people1 who can1 by 
no possibility1 understand or appreciate
 them4 ,it is a pretty sure sign of bad 
breeding to set people to staring and   
feeling uncomfortable4  ,in ,england1 it
 is regarded a breach of etiquette to   
repeat the name of any person with whom 
you are conversing4 ,but the same rule  
does not hold in ,america4 ,here it is  
deemed no breach1 if you are conversing 
with a lady by the name of ,sherwood1 to
 say1 ,well1 ,mrs4 ,sherwood1 do you not
 think1 etc4  ,in a mixed company1 never
 speak to your friend of a matter which 
the rest do not understand1 unless it is
 something which you can explain to     
them1 and which may be made interesting 
to the whole party4  ,if you wish to    
inquire about anything1 do not do it by 
asking a question2 but introduce the    
subject1 and give the person an         

opportunity of saying as much as he     
finds it agreeable to impart4 ,do not   
even say1 ,how is your brother to-day8  
but ,i hope your brother is quite well4 
,never ask a lady a question about      
anything whatever4  ,by all means1 avoid
 the use of slang terms and phrases in  
polite company4 ,no greater insult can  
be offered to polite society than to    
repeat the slang dictums of bar-rooms   
and other low places4 ,if you are       
willing to have it known that you are   
familiar with such company yourself1 you
 have no right to treat a party of      
ladies and gentlemen as though they     
were1 too4  ,avoid the habit of         
employing ,french words in ,english     
conversation2 it is extremely bad taste 
to be always using such expressions as  
ci-devant1 soi-disant1 en masse1 couleur
 de rose1 etc4 ,do not salute your      
acquaintances with bon jour1 nor reply  
to every proposition1 volontiers4 ,in   
society1 avoid having those peculiar    
preferences for some subjects which are 

vulgarly denominated hobby-horses4 ,they
 make your company a bore to all your   
friends2 and some kind-hearted creature 
will take advantage of them and trot    
you1 for the amusement of the company4  
,every attempt to obtrude on a company  
subjects either to which they are       
indifferent1 or of which they are       
ignorant1 is in bad taste4        ,man  
should be taught as though you taught   
him not1       ,and things unknown      
proposed as things forgot4  ,a man is   
quite sure to show his good or bad      
breeding the instant he opens his mouth 
to talk in company4 ,if he is a         
gentleman he starts no subject of       
conversation that can possibly be       
displeasing to any person present4 ,the 
ground is common to all1 and no one has 
a right to monopolize any part of it for
 his own particular opinions1 in        
politics or religion4 ,no one is there  
to make proselytes1 but every one has   
been invited1 to be agreeable and to    
please4  ,he who knows the world1 will  

not be too bashful4 ,he who knows       
himself1 will not be impudent4  ,do not 
endeavor to shine in all companies4     
,leave room for your hearers to imagine 
something within you beyond all you have
 said4 ,and remember1 the more you are  
praised1 the more you will be envied4   
,there is no surer sign of vulgarity    
than the perpetual boasting of the fine 
things you have at home4 ,if you speak  
of your silver1 of your jewels1 of your 
costly apparel1 it will be taken for a  
sign that you are either lying1 or that 
you were1 not long ago1 somebody's      
washerwoman1 and cannot forget to be    
reminding everybody that you are not so 
now4  ,you need not tell all the truth1 
unless to those who have a right to know
 it all4 ,but let all you tell be truth4
  ,insult not another for his want of a 
talent you possess2 he may have others1 
which you want4 ,praise your friends and
 let your friends praise you4  ,if you  
treat your inferiors with familiarity1  
expect the same from them4 ,if you give 

a jest1 take one4 ,let all your jokes be
 truly jokes4 ,jesting sometimes ends in
 sad earnest4  ,if a favor is asked of  
you1 grant it1 if you can4 ,if not1     
refuse it in such a manner1 as that one 
denial may be sufficient4  ,if you are  
in company with a distinguished         
gentleman--as a governor1 or            
senator--you will not be perpetually    
trying to trot out his titles1 as it    
would make you appear like a lackey or  
parasite1 who1 conscious of no merits of
 your own1 are trying to lift yourself  
by the company of others4 ,in           
introducing such a gentleman1 you will  
merely call him governor1 or senator1   
and afterwards avoid all allusion to his
 rank4  ,if you would render yourself   
pleasing in social parties1 never speak 
to gratify any particular vanity or     
passion of your own1 but always aim to  
interest or amuse others by themes which
 you know are in accordance with their  
tastes and understandings4 ,even a      
well-bred minister will avoid           

introducing his professional habits and 
themes at such places4 ,he knows that   
the guests were not invited there to    
listen to a sermon1 and there may be    
some who differ with him in opinions1   
who would have good reason to feel      
themselves insulted by being thus forced
 to listen to him4  ,reproof is a       
medicine like mercury or opium2 if it be
 improperly administered1 with report   
either to the adviser or the advised1 it
 will do harm instead of good4  ,nothing
 is more unmannerly than to reflect on  
any man's profession1 sect1 or natural  
infirmity4 ,he who stirs up against     
himself another's self-love1 provokes   
the strongest passions in human nature4 
,be careful of your word1 even in       
keeping the most trifling appointment4  
,but do not blame another for a failure 
of that kind1 till you have heard his   
excuse4  ,never offer advice1 but where 
there is some probability of its being  
followed4  ,if you find yourself in a   
company which violently abuses an absent

 friend of yours1 you need not feel that
 you are called upon to take up the club
 for him4 ,you will do better by saying 
mildly that they must have been         
misinformed--that you are proud to call 
him your friend1 which you could not do 
if you did not know him to be incapable 
of such things as they had heard4 ,after
 this1 if they are gentlemen1 they will 
stop--indeed1 if they had been          
gentlemen1 they would hardly have       
assailed an absent one in a mixed party2
 and if you feel constrained to quit    
their company1 it will be no sacrifice  
to your own self-respect or honor4      
,fools pretend to foretell what will be 
the issue of things1 and are laughed at 
for their awkward conjectures4 ,wise    
men1 being aware of the uncertainty of  
human affairs1 and having observed how  
small a matter often produces a great   
change1 are modest in their conjectures4
  ,he who talks too fast1 outruns his   
hearer's thoughts4 ,he who speaks too   
slow1 gives his hearer pain by hindering

 his thoughts1 as a rider who frets his 
horse by reining him in too much4       
,never think to entertain people with   
what lies out of their way1 be it ever  
so curious in its kind4 ,who would think
 of regaling a circle of ladies with the
 beauties of ,homer's ,greek1 or a mixed
 company with ,sir ,isaac ,newton's     
discoveries8  ,do well1 but do not boast
 of it4 ,for that will lessen the       
commendation you might otherwise have   
deserved4  ,never ask a question under  
any circumstances4 ,in the first place1 
it is too proud2 in the second place1 it
 may be very inconvenient or very       
awkward to give a reply4 ,a lady        
inquired of what branch of medical      
practice a certain gentleman was        
professor4 ,he held the chair of        
midwifery6  ,to offer advice to an angry
 man1 is like blowing against a tempest4
  ,too much preciseness and solemnity in
 pronouncing what one says in common    
conversation1 as if one was preaching1  
is generally taken for an indication of 

self-conceit and arrogance4  ,make your 
company a rarity1 and people will value 
it4 ,men despise what they can easily   
have4  ,value truth1 however you come by
 it4 ,who would not pick up a jewel that
 lay on a dung-hill8  ,the beauty of    
behavior consists in the manner1 not the
 matter of your discourse4  ,it is not  
in good taste for a lady to say ,yes1   
sir1 and ,no1 sir1 to a gentleman1 or   
frequently to introduce the word ,sir1  
at the end of her sentence1 unless she  
desire to be exceedingly reserved toward
 the person with whom she is conversing4
  ,if your superior treats you with     
familiarity1 it will not therefore      
become you to treat him in the same     
manner4  ,a good way to avoid           
impertinent and pumping inquiries1 is by
 answering with another question4 ,an   
evasion may also serve the purpose4 ,but
 a lie is inexcusable on any occasion1  
especially when used to conceal the     
truth from one who has no authority to  
demand it4  ,to reprove with success1   

the following circumstances are         
necessary1 viz43 mildness1 secrecy1     
intimacy1 and the esteem of the person  
you would reprove4  ,if you be nettled  
with severe raillery1 take care never to
 show that you are stung1 unless you    
choose to provoke more4 ,the way to     
avoid being made a butt1 is not to set  
up for an archer4  ,to set up for a     
critic is bullying mankind4  ,reflect   
upon the different appearances things   
make to you from what they did some     
years ago1 and don't imagine that your  
opinion will never alter1 because you   
are extremely positive at present4 ,let 
the remembrance of your past changes of 
sentiment make you more flexible4  ,if  
ever you were in a passion1 did you not 
find reason afterwards to be sorry for  
it1 and will you again allow your self  
to be guilty of a weakness1 which will  
certainly be in the same manner followed
 by repentance1 besides being attended  
with pain8  ,never argue with any but   
men of sense and temper4  ,it is        

ill-manners to trouble people with      
talking too much either of yourself1 or 
your affairs4 ,if you are full of       
yourself1 consider that you1 and your   
affairs1 are not so interesting to other
 people as to you4  ,keep silence       
sometimes1 upon subjects which you are  
known to be a judge of4 ,so your        
silence1 where you are ignorant1 will   
not discover you4  ,to use phrases which
 admit of a double meaning is           
ungentlemanly1 and1 if addressed to a   
lady1 they become positively insulting4 
,there is a vulgar custom1 too          
prevalent1 of calling almost everybody  
colonel in this country1 of which it is 
sufficient to say1 that this false use  
of titles prevails most among the lower 
ranks of society--a fact which          
sufficiently stamps upon it its real    
character1 and renders it1 to say the   
least1 a doubtful compliment to him who 
has no right to the title4  ,think like 
the wise2 but talk like ordinary people4
 ,never go out of the common road1 but  

for somewhat4  ,don't dispute against   
facts well established1 merely because  
there is somewhat unaccountable in them4
 ,that the world should be created of   
nothing is to us inconceivable but not  
therefore to be doubted4  ,as you are   
going to a party of mirth1 think of the 
hazard you run of misbehaving4 ,while   
you are engaged1 do not wholly forget   
yourself4 ,and after all is over1       
reflect how you have behaved4 ,if well1 
be thankful2 it is more than you could  
have promised4 ,if otherwise1 be more   
careful for the future4  ,it will never 
do to be ignorant of the names and      
approximate ages of great composers1    
especially in large cities1 where music 
is so highly appreciated and so common a
 theme4 ,it will be decidedly           
condemnatory if you talk of the new     
opera ,don ,giovanni1 or ,rossini's     
,trovatore1 or are ignorant who composed
 ,fidelio1 and in what opera occur such 
common pieces as ,ciascun lo dice1 or   
,il ,segreto4 ,i do not say that these  

trifles are indispensable1 and when a   
man has better knowledge to offer1      
especially with genius or cleverness to 
back it1 he will not only be pardoned   
for an ignorance of them1 but can even  
take a high tone1 and profess           
indifference or contempt of them4 ,but1 
at the same time1 such ignorance stamps 
an ordinary man1 and hinders            
conversation4  ,don't talk of the opera 
in the presence of those who are not    
frequenters of it4 ,they will imagine   
that you are showing off1 or that you   
are lying1 and that you have never been 
to the opera twice in your life4 ,for   
the same reason1 avoid too frequently   
speaking of your acquaintance with      
celebrated men1 unless you are a public 
man yourself1 who would be supposed to  
have such acquaintance4  ,do not sit    
dumb in company4 ,that looks either like
 pride1 cunning1 or stupidity4 ,give    
your opinion modestly1 but freely2 hear 
that of others with candor2 and ever    
endeavor to find out1 and to communicate

 truth4  ,in mixed company1 be readier  
to hear than to speak1 and put people   
upon talking of what is in their own    
way4 ,for then you will both oblige     
them1 and be most likely to improve by  
their conversation4  ,humanity will     
direct to be particularly cautious of   
treating with the least appearance of   
neglect those who have lately met with  
misfortunes1 and are sunk in life4 ,such
 persons are apt to think themselves    
slighted1 when no such thing is         
intended4 ,their minds being already    
sore1 feel the least rub very severely4 
,and who would be so cruel as to add    
affliction to the afflicted8  ,to       
smother the generosity of those who have
 obliged you1 is imprudent1 as well as  
ungrateful4 ,the mention of kindnesses  
received may excite those who hear it to
 deserve your good word1 by imitating   
the example which they see does others  
so much honor4  ,learning is like       
bank-notes4 ,prudence and good behavior 
are like silver1 useful upon all        

occasions4  ,if you have been once in   
company with an idle person1 it is      
enough4 ,you need never go again4 ,you  
have heard all he knows4 ,and he has had
 no opportunity of learning anything    
new4 ,for idle people make no           
improvements4  ,deep learning will make 
you acceptable to the learned2 but it is
 only an easy and obliging behavior1 and
 entertaining conversation1 that will   
make you agreeable in all companies4    
,men repent speaking ten times for once 
that they repent keeping silence4  ,it  
is an advantage to have concealed one's 
opinion4 ,for by that means you may     
change your judgment of things 7which   
every wise man finds reason to do7 and  
not be accused of fickleness4  ,there is
 hardly any bodily blemish1 which a     
winning behavior will not conceal1 or   
make tolerable2 and there is no external
 grace1 which ill-nature or affectation 
will not deform4  ,if you mean to make  
your side of the argument appear        
plausible1 do not prejudice people      

against what you think truth by your    
passionate manner of defending it4      
,there is an affected humility more     
insufferable than downright pride1 as   
hypocrisy is more abominable than       
libertinism4 ,take care that your       
virtues be genuine and unsophisticated4 
,never ask any one who is conversing    
with you to repeat his words4 ,nothing  
is ruder than to say1 ,pardon me1 will  
you repeat that sentence8 ,i did not    
hear you at first1 and thus imply that  
your attention was wandering when he    
first spoke4  ,when we speak of         
ourselves and another person1 whether he
 is absent or present1 propriety        
requires us to mention ourselves last4  
,thus we should say1 he and ,i1 you and 
,i4  ,if a man is telling that which is 
as old as the hills1 or which you       
believe to be false1 the better way is  
to let him go on4 ,why should you refuse
 a man the pleasure of believing that he
 is telling you something which you     
never heard before8 ,besides1 by        

refusing to believe him1 or by telling  
him that his story is old1 you not only 
mortify him1 but the whole company is   
made uneasy1 and1 by sympathy1 share his
 mortification4  ,never notice it if    
others make mistakes in language4 ,to   
notice by word or look such errors in   
those around you1 is excessively        
ill-bred4  ,avoid raillery and sarcasm  
in social parties4 ,they are weapons    
which few can use2 and because you      
happen to have a razor in your          
possession1 that is no reason why you   
should be allowed to cut the throats of 
the rest who are unarmed4 ,malicious    
jests at the expense of those who are   
present or absent1 show that he who uses
 them is devoid both of the instincts   
and habits of a gentleman4 ,where two   
individuals or the whole company agree  
to banter each other with good-natured  
sallies of wit1 it is very pleasant1 but
 the least taint of ill-nature spoils   
all4  ,if upon the entrance of a visitor
 you continue a conversation begun      

before1 you should always explain the   
subject to the new-comer4  ,if there is 
any one in the company whom you do not  
know1 be careful how you let off any    
epigrams or pleasant little sarcasms4   
,you might be very witty upon halters to
 a man whose father had been hanged4    
,the first requisite for successful     
conversation is to know your company    
well4  ,carefully avoid subjects which  
may be construed into personalities1 and
 keep a strict reserve upon family      
matters4 ,avoid1 if you can1 seeing the 
skeleton in your friend's closet1 but if
 it is paraded for your special benefit1
 regard it as a sacred confidence1 and  
never betray your knowledge to a third  
party4  ,listen attentively and         
patiently to what is said4 ,it is a     
great and difficult talent to be a good 
listener1 but it is one which the       
well-bred man has to acquire1 at        
whatever pains4 ,do not anticipate the  
point of a story which another person is
 reciting1 or take it from his lips to  

finish it in your own language4 ,to do  
this is a great breach of etiquette4    
,dr4 ,johnson1 whose reputation as a    
talker was hardly less than that which  
he acquired as a writer1 prided himself 
on the appositeness of his quotations1  
the choice of his words1 and the        
correctness of his expressions4 ,had he 
lived in this age of progress1 he would 
have discovered that his lexicon was not
 only incomplete1 but required numerous 
emendations4 ,we can fancy the irritable
 moralist endeavoring to comprehend the 
idea which a young lady wishes to convey
 when she expresses the opinion that a  
bonnet is awful1 or that of a young     
gentleman1 when he asserts that his coat
 is played out6  ,avoid the use of      
proverbs in conversation1 and all sorts 
of cant phrases4 ,this error is1 ,i     
believe1 censured by ,lord              
,chesterfield1 and is one of the most   
offensively vulgar which a person can   
commit4  ,it is bad manners to satirize 
lawyers in the presence of lawyers1 or  

doctors in the presence of one of that  
calling1 and so of all the professions4 
,nor should you rail against bribery and
 corruption in the presence of          
politicians1 7especially of a ,new ,york
 politician17 or members of ,congress1  
as they will have good reason to suppose
 that you are hinting at them4 ,it is   
the aim of politeness to leave the arena
 of social intercourse untainted with   
any severity of language1 or bitterness 
of feeling4 ,there are places and       
occasions where wrong must be exposed   
and reproved1 but it is an unpardonable 
piece of rudeness to attempt such things
 at your own or another's social party1 
where everything is carefully to be     
avoided that can in the least disturb   
the happiness of any one4 ,for this     
reason all kinds of controversies are1  
as a general rule1 to be avoided at such
 times4  ,any conversation 7that is not 
interdicted by decency and propriety7   
which can be pleasing to the whole      
company1 is desirable4 ,amusement1 more 

than instruction even1 is to be sought  
for in social parties4 ,people are not  
supposed to come together on such       
occasions because they are ignorant and 
need teaching1 but to seek amusement and
 relaxation from professional and daily 
cares4 ,all the ,english books on       
etiquette tell you that punning is      
scrupulously to be avoided as a species 
of ale-house wit1 and a savage remark of
 ,dr4 ,johnson is usually quoted on the 
subject4 ,but punning is no more to be  
avoided than any other kind of wit2 and 
if all wit is to be banished from the   
social circle1 it will be left a stupid 
affair indeed4 ,all kinds of wit1 puns  
by no means excepted1 give a delightful 
relish to social parties when they      
spring up naturally and spontaneously   
out of the themes of conversation4 ,but 
for a man to be constantly straining    
himself to make jokes is to make himself
 ridiculous1 and to annoy the whole     
company1 and is1 therefore1 what no     
gentleman will be guilty of4  ,talk as  

little of yourself as possible1 or of   
any science or business in which you    
have acquired fame4 ,there is a banker  
in ,new ,york who is always certain to  
occupy the time of every party he gets  
into1 by talking of his per cents1 and  
boasting that he began life without a   
cent--which every one readily believes2 
and if he were to add that he began life
 in a pig-pen1 they would believe that  
too4  ,if you put on a proud carriage1  
people will want to know what there is  
in you to be proud of4 ,and it is ten to
 one whether they value your            
accomplishments at the same rate as you4
 ,and the higher you aspire1 they will  
be the more desirous to mortify you4    
,nothing is more nauseous than apparent 
self-sufficiency4 ,for it shows the     
company two things1 which are extremely 
disagreeable3 that you have a high      
opinion of yourself1 and that you have  
comparatively a mean opinion of them4   
,it is the concussion of passions that  
produces a storm4 ,let an angry man     

alone1 and he will cool off himself4    
,it is but seldom that very remarkable  
occurrences fall out in life4 ,the      
evenness of your temper will be in most 
danger of being troubled by trifles     
which take you by surprise4  ,it is as  
obliging in company1 especially of      
superiors1 to listen attentively1 as to 
talk entertainingly4  ,don't think of   
knocking out another person's brains1   
because he differs in opinion from you4 
,it will be as rational to knock        
yourself on the head1 because you differ
 from yourself ten years ago4  ,if you  
want to gain any man's good opinion1    
take particular care how you behave1 the
 first time you are in company with him4
 ,the light you appear in at first1 to  
one who is neither inclined to think    
well or ill of you1 will strongly       
prejudice him either for or against you4
  ,good humor is the only shield to keep
 off the darts of the satirical railer4 
,if you have a quiver well stored1 and  
are sure of hitting him between the     

joints of the harness1 do not spare him4
 ,but you had better not bend your bow  
than miss your aim4  ,the modest man is 
seldom the object of envy4  ,in the     
company of ladies1 do not labor to      
establish learned points by long-winded 
arguments4 ,they do not care to take too
 much pains to find out truth4  ,you    
will forbear to interrupt a person who  
is telling a story1 even though he is   
making historical mistakes in dates and 
facts4 ,if he makes mistakes it is his  
own fault1 and it is not your business  
to mortify him by attempting to correct 
his blunders in presence of those with  
whom he is ambitious to stand well4  ,in
 a dispute1 if you cannot reconcile the 
parties1 withdraw from them4 ,you will  
surely make one enemy1 perhaps two1 by  
taking either side in an argument when  
the speakers have lost their temper4    
,do not dispute in a party of ladies and
 gentlemen4 ,if a gentleman advances an 
opinion which is different from ideas   
you are known to entertain1 either      

appear not to have heard it1 or differ  
with him as gently as possible4 ,you    
will not say1 ,sir1 you are mistaken6   
,sir1 you are wrong6 or that you happen 
to know better2 but you will rather use 
some such phrase as1 ,pardon me--if ,i  
am not mistaken1 etc4 ,this will give   
him a chance to say some such civil     
thing as that he regrets to disagree    
with you2 and if he has not the good    
manners to do it1 you have1 at any rate1
 established your own manners as those  
of a gentleman in the eyes of the       
company4 ,and when you have done that1  
you need not trouble yourself about any 
opinions he may advance contrary to your
 own4  ,if you talk sentences1 do not at
 the same time give yourself a          
magisterial air in doing it4 ,an easy   
conversation is the only agreeable one1 
especially in mixed company4  ,be sure  
of the fact1 before you lose time in    
searching for a cause4  ,if you have a  
friend that will reprove your faults and
 foibles1 consider you enjoy a blessing1

 which the king upon the throne cannot  
have4  ,in disputes upon moral or       
scientific points1 ever let your aim be 
to come at truth1 not to conquer your   
opponent4 ,so you never shall be at a   
loss in losing the argument1 and gaining
 a new discovery4  ,what may be very    
entertaining in company with ignorant   
people1 may be tiresome to those who    
know more of the matter than yourself4  
,there is a sort of accidental and      
altogether equivocal type of city women1
 who never get into the country1 but    
they employ their time in trying to     
astonish the country people with        
narrations of the fine things they left 
behind them in the city4 ,if they have a
 dirty little closet1 with ten valueless
 books in it1 they will call it their   
library4 ,if they have some small room1 
that is used as kitchen1 parlor1 and    
dining-room1 they will magnify it into a
 drawing-room4 ,and a hundred other     
little signs of their great vulgarity   
they will constantly insist on          

exhibiting to their country auditors4   
,put yourself on the same level as the  
person to whom you speak1 and under     
penalty of being considered a pedantic  
idiot1 refrain from explaining any      
expression or word that you may use4    
,if you are really a wit1 remember that 
in conversation its true office consists
 more in finding it in others1 than     
showing off a great deal of it yourself4
 ,he who goes out of your company       
pleased with himself is sure to be      
pleased with you4 ,even as great a man  
as ,dr4 ,johnson once retired from a    
party where everybody had spent the     
evening in listening to him1 and        
remarked1 as he went out1 ,we have had a
 pleasant evening1 and much excellent   
conversation4  ,if you happen to fall   
into company where the talk runs into   
party1 obscenity1 scandal1 folly1 or    
vice of any kind1 you had better pass   
for morose or unsocial1 among people    
whose good opinion is not worth having1 
than shock your own conscience by       

joining in conversation which you must  
disapprove of4  ,if you would have a    
right account of things from illiterate 
people1 let them tell their story in    
their own way4 ,if you put them upon    
talking according to logical rules1 you 
will quite confound them4  ,i was much  
pleased with the saying of a gentleman1 
who was engaged in a friendly argument  
with another upon a point in morals4    
,you and ,i says he to his antagonist   
seem1 as far as ,i hitherto understand1 
to differ considerably in our opinions4 
,let us1 if you please1 try wherein we  
can agree4 ,the scheme in most disputes 
is to try who shall conquer1 or confound
 the other4 ,it is therefore no wonder  
that so little light is struck out in   
conversation1 where a candid inquiry    
after truth is the least thing thought  
of4  ,by all means1 shun the vulgar     
habit of joking at the expense of women4
 ,all such tricks as refusing a lady a  
piece of tongue1 because women already  
have tongue enough1 are as vulgar as    

they are old and stale4 ,the man who    
does not respect woman1 exposes himself 
to the suspicion of associating         
generally with the fallen portion of the
 sex4 ,and besides1 he has no right to  
make a respectable parlor or            
drawing-room the theater of such vulgar 
jokes and railing against the sex as go 
down in low society4  ,if a man         
complains to you of his wife1 a woman of
 her husband1 a parent of a child1 or a 
child of a parent1 be very cautious how 
you meddle between such near relations1 
to blame the behavior of one to the     
other4 ,you will only have the hatred of
 both parties1 and do no good with      
either4 ,but this does not hinder your  
giving both parties1 or either1 your    
best advice in a prudent manner4  ,be   
prudently secret4 ,but don't affect to  
make a secret of what all the world may 
know1 nor give yourself airs of being as
 close as a conspirator4 ,you will      
better disappoint idle curiosity by     
seeming to have nothing to conceal4     

,never blame a friend without joining   
some commendation to make reproof go    
down4  ,it is by giving free rein to    
folly1 in conversation and action1 that 
people expose themselves to contempt and
 ridicule4 ,the modest man may deprive  
himself of some part of the applause of 
some sort of people in conversation1 by 
not shining altogether so much as he    
might have done4 ,or he may deprive     
himself of some lesser advantages in    
life by his reluctancy in putting       
himself forward4 ,but it is only the    
rash and impetuous talker1 or actor1    
that effectually exposes himself in     
company1 or ruins himself in life4 ,it  
is therefore easy to determine which is 
the safest side to err on4  ,it is a    
base temper in mankind1 that they will  
not take the smallest slight at the hand
 of those who have done them the        
greatest kindness4  ,if you fall into   
the greatest company1 in a natural and  
unforced way1 look upon yourself as one 
of them2 and do not sneak1 nor suffer   

any one to treat you unworthily1 without
 just showing that you know behavior4   
,but if you see them disposed to be     
rude1 overbearing1 or purse-proud1 it   
will be more decent and less troublesome
 to retire1 than to wrangle with them4  
,there cannot be any practice more      
offensive than that of taking a person  
aside to whisper in a room with company2
 yet this rudeness is of frequent       
occurrence--and that with those who know
 it to be improper4  ,if at any time you
 chance1 in conversation1 to get on a   
side of an argument which you find not  
to be tenable1 or any other way         
over-shoot yourself1 turn off the       
subject in as easy and good humored a   
way as you can4 ,if you proceed still1  
and endeavor1 right or wrong1 to make   
your first point good1 you will only    
entangle yourself the more1 and in the  
end expose yourself4  ,never over-praise
 any absent person1 especially ladies1  
in company of ladies4 ,it is the way to 
bring envy and hatred upon those whom   

you wish well to4  ,to try whether your 
conversation is likely to be acceptable 
to people of sense1 imagine what you say
 written down1 or printed1 and consider 
how it would read2 whether it would     
appear natural1 improving and           
entertaining2 or affected1 unmeaning1 or
 mischievous4  ,it is better1 in        
conversation with positive men1 to turn 
off the subject in dispute with some    
merry conceit1 than keep up the         
contention to the disturbance of the    
company4  ,don't give your advice upon  
any extraordinary emergency1 nor your   
opinion upon any difficult point1       
especially in company of eminent        
persons1 without first taking time to   
deliberate4 ,if you say nothing1 it may 
not be known whether your silence was   
owing to the ignorance of the subject1  
or to modesty4 ,if you give a rash and  
crude opinion1 you are effectually and  
irrecoverably exposed4  ,if you fill    
your fancy1 while you are in company1   
with suspicions of their thinking meanly

 of you2 if you puff yourself up with   
imaginations of appearing to them a very
 witty1 or profound person2 if you      
discompose yourself with fears of       
misbehaving before them1 or in any way  
put yourself out of yourself1 you will  
not appear in your natural color1 but in
 that of an affected1 personated        
character1 which is always disagreeable4
  ,it may be useful to study1 at        
leisure1 a variety of proper phrases for
 such occasions as are most frequent in 
life1 as civilities to superiors1       
expressions of kindness to inferiors2   
congratulations1 condolence1 expressions
 of gratitude1 acknowledgment of faults1
 asking or denying of favors1 etc4 ,i   
prescribe no particular phrases1        
because1 our language continually       
fluctuating1 they must soon become stiff
 and unfashionable4 ,the best method of 
acquiring the accomplishment of graceful
 and easy manner of expression for the  
common occasions of life1 is attention  
and imitation of well-bred people4      

,nothing makes a man appear more        
contemptible than barrenness1 pedantry1 
or impropriety of expression4  ,avoid   
flattery4 ,a delicate compliment is     
permissible in conversation1 but        
flattery is broad1 coarse1 and to       
sensible people1 disgusting4 ,if you    
flatter your superiors1 they will       
distrust you1 thinking you have some    
selfish end2 if you flatter ladies1 they
 will despise you1 thinking you have no 
other conversation4  ,if you meet an    
ill-bred fellow in company1 whose voice 
and manners are offensive to you1 you   
cannot resent it at the time1 because by
 so doing you compel the whole company  
to be spectators of your quarrel1 and   
the pleasure of the party would be      
spoiled4  ,if you must speak upon a     
difficult point1 be the last speaker if 
you can4  ,you will not be agreeable to 
company1 if you strive to bring in or   
keep up a subject unsuitable to their   
capacities1 or humor4  ,you will never  
convince a man of ordinary sense by     

overbearing his understanding4 ,if you  
dispute with him in such a manner as to 
show a due deference for his judgment1  
your complaisance may win him1 though   
your saucy arguments could not4  ,avoid 
appearing dogmatical and too positive in
 any assertions you make1 which can     
possibly be subject to any              
contradiction4 ,he that is peremptory in
 his own story1 may meet with another as
 positive as himself to contradict him1 
and then the two ,sir ,positives will be
 sure to have a skirmish4  ,the frequent
 use of the name of ,god1 or the ,devil2
 allusions to passages of ,scripture2   
mocking at anything serious and devout1 
oaths1 vulgar by-words1 cant phrases1   
affected hard words1 when familiar terms
 will do as well2 scraps of ,latin1     
,greek or ,french2 quotations from plays
 spoke in a theatrical manner--all      
these1 much used in conversation1 render
 a person very contemptible to grave and
 wise men4  ,if you send people away    
from your company well-pleased with     

themselves1 you need not fear but they  
will be well enough pleased with you1   
whether they have received any          
instruction from you or not4 ,most      
people had rather be pleased than       
instructed4  ,if you can express        
yourself to be perfectly understood in  
ten words1 never use a dozen4 ,go not   
about to prove1 by a long series of     
reasoning1 what all the world is ready  
to own4  ,if any one takes the trouble  
of finding fault with you1 you ought in 
reason to suppose he has some regard for
 you1 else he would not run the hazard  
of disobliging you1 and drawing upon    
himself your hatred4  ,do not ruffle or 
provoke any man2 why should any one be  
the worse for coming into company with  
you8 ,be not yourself provoked4 ,why    
should you give any man the advantage   
over you8  ,to say that one has opinions
 very different from those commonly     
received1 is saying that he either loves
 singularity1 or that he thinks for     
himself4 ,which of the two is the case1 

can only be found by examining the      
grounds of his opinions4  ,don't appear 
to the public too sure1 or too eager    
upon any project4 ,if it should         
miscarry1 which it is a chance but it   
does1 you will be laughed at4 ,the      
surest way to prevent which1 is not to  
tell your designs or prospects in life4 
,if you give yourself a loose tongue in 
company1 you may almost depend on being 
pulled to pieces as soon as your back is
 turned1 however they may seem          
entertained with your conversation4     
,for common conversation1 men of        
ordinary abilities will upon occasion do
 well enough4 ,and you may always pick  
something out of any man's discourse1 by
 which you may profit4 ,for an intimate 
friend to improve by1 you must search   
half a country over1 and be glad if you 
can find him at last4  ,don't give your 
time to every superficial acquaintance3 
it is bestowing what is to you of       
inestimable worth1 upon one who is not  
likely to be the better for it4  ,if a  

person has behaved to you in an         
unaccountable manner1 don't at once     
conclude him a bad man1 unless you find 
his character given up by all who know  
him1 nor then1 unless the facts alleged 
against him be undoubtedly proved1 and  
wholly inexcusable4 ,but this is not    
advising you to trust a person whose    
character you have any reason to        
suspect4 ,nothing can be more absurd    
than the common way of fixing people's  
characters4 ,such a one has disobliged  
me1 therefore he is a villain4 ,such    
another has done me a kindness1         
therefore he is a saint4  ,superficial  
people are more agreeable the first time
 you are in their company1 than ever    
afterwards4 ,men of judgment improve    
every succeeding conversation2 beware   
therefore of judging by one interview4  
,you will not anger a man so much by    
showing him that you hate him1 as by    
expressing a contempt of him4  ,most    
women had rather have any of their good 
qualities slighted1 than their beauty4  

,yet that is the most inconsiderable    
accomplishment of a woman of real merit4
  ,you will be always reckoned by the   
world nearly of the same character with 
those whose company you keep4  ,you will
 please so much the less1 if you go into
 company determined to shine4 ,let your 
conversation appear to rise out of      
thoughts suggested by the occasion1 not 
strained or premeditated3 nature always 
pleases3 affectation is always odious4  
,,on ,,dress4   ,it is hardly necessary 
to remind the reader that dress1 though 
often considered a trifling matter1 is  
one of considerable importance1 for a   
man's personal appearance is a sort of  
index and obscure prologue to his       
character4  ,lord ,chesterfield has     
said1 ,i cannot help forming some       
opinion of a man's sense and character  
from his dress4 ,besides1 the appearance
 of a well-dressed man commands a       
certain degree of respect which would   
never be shown to a sloven4 ,as         
,shakspeare has written1 ,the world is  

still deceived by ornament2 and there   
are those who associate fine clothes    
with fine people so strongly1 that they 
do not trouble themselves to ascertain  
whether the wearers are worthy of       
respect1 as others form their opinions  
of books by the gilding of the leaves   
and beauty of the binding4  ,the dress  
of a gentleman should be such as not to 
excite any special observation1 unless  
it be for neatness and propriety4 ,the  
utmost care should be exercised to avoid
 even the appearance of desiring to     
attract attention by the peculiar       
formation of any article of attire1 or  
by the display of an immoderate quantity
 of jewelry1 both being a positive      
evidence of vulgarity4 ,his dress should
 be studiously neat1 leaving no other   
impression than that of a well-dressed  
gentleman4  ,well-bred people do not    
often dress in what is called the height
 of the fashion1 as that is generally   
left to dandies and pretenders4 ,but    
still it is undoubtedly a great point   

gained to be well dressed4 ,to be       
fancifully dressed1 in gaudy colors1 is 
to be very badly dressed1 however1 and  
is an example of ill taste which is     
rarely met with among people of         
substantial good breeding4  ,cleanliness
 and neatness are the invariable        
accompaniments of good breeding4 ,every 
gentleman may not be dressed            
expensively1 he may not be able to do   
so2 but water is cheap1 and no gentleman
 will ever go into company unmindful of 
cleanliness either in his person or     
apparel4  ,a well-dressed man does not  
require so much an extensive as a varied
 wardrobe4 ,he wants a different costume
 for every season and every occasion2   
but if what he selects is simple rather 
than striking1 he may appear in the same
 clothes as often as he likes1 as long  
as they are fresh and appropriate to the
 season and the object4 ,there are four 
kinds of coats which he must have3 a    
business coat1 a frock-coat1 a          
dress-coat1 and an over-coat4 ,a well   

dressed man may do well with four of the
 first1 and one of each of the others   
per annum4 ,an economical man can get   
along with less4  ,did any lady ever see
 a gentleman with an embroidered        
waistcoat1 and a profusion of chains1   
rings1 and trinkets adorning his person8
  ,avoid affecting singularity in dress4
 ,expensive dressing is no sign of a    
gentleman4 ,if a gentleman is able to   
dress expensively it is very well for   
him to do so1 but if he is not able to  
wear ten-dollar broadcloth1 he may      
comfort himself with the reflection that
 cloth which costs but five dollars a   
yard will look quite as well when made  
into a well-fitting coat4 ,with this    
suit1 and well-made shoes1 clean gloves1
 a white pocket-handkerchief1 and an    
easy and graceful deportment withal1 he 
may pass muster as a gentleman4 ,manners
 do quite as much to set off a suit of  
clothes as clothes do to set off a      
graceful person4  ,a dress perfectly    
suited to a tall1 good-looking man1 may 

render one who is neither1 ridiculous2  
as although the former may wear a       
remarkable waistcoat or singular coat1  
almost with impunity1 the latter1 by    
adopting a similar costume1 exposes     
himself to the laughter of all who see  
him4 ,an unassuming simplicity in dress 
should always be preferred1 as it       
prepossesses every one in favor of the  
wearer4  ,avoid what is called the      
ruffianly style of dress1 or the        
nonchalant and slouching appearance of a
 half-unbuttoned vest1 and suspenderless
 pantaloons4 ,that sort of affectation  
is if possible even more disgusting than
 the painfully elaborate frippery of the
 dandy4  ,gentlemen never make any      
display of jewelry2 that is given up    
entirely to the dominion of female      
taste4 ,but ladies of good taste seldom 
wear it in the morning4 ,it is reserved 
for evening display and for brilliant   
parties4  ,the native independence of   
,american character regards with disdain
 many of the stringent social laws which

 are recognized in ,england and on the  
continent4 ,thus1 the dress which many  
of our countryman adopt for the         
assembly-room and private parties would 
subject them to serious annoyance       
abroad4 ,a frock-coat would not be      
tolerated a moment in any fashionable   
society in ,europe1 and whether it be   
esteemed a prejudice or otherwise1 we   
are free to confess that in our opinion 
it is a violation of good taste1 and    
unsuited either to a ball-room or       
private assembly4  ,we should1 however1 
be far from denying the claim of        
gentleman to any person1 simply because 
he wore a frock-coat2 for the fickle    
goddess1 ,fashion1 tolerates it to a    
certain extent in ,america2 but if the  
universal custom among the refined and  
polished members of society were to     
exclude it1 as in ,europe1 its use would
 manifest a contempt for the opinion of 
others1 of which no gentleman could be  
guilty4  ,if the title of gentleman     
should depend entirely and solely on    

one's conformation to the laws of       
etiquette1 the most unprincipled        
profligate or debauchee might           
successfully wear it2 it is1 however1   
but the finish and polish of the        
jewel--not the diamond itself4  ,if we  
were allowed to say anything to the     
ladies concerning dress in a dictatorial
 way1 and were sure of being obeyed1 we 
should order them generally to dress    
less4 ,how often do we see a female     
attired in the height of fashion1       
perfectly gorgeous in costume1 sweeping 
along the dusty street1 perspiring under
 the weight of her finery--dressed1 in  
fact1 in a manner fit only for a        
carriage4 ,this is a very mistaken and  
absurd fashion1 and such people would be
 astonished to see the simplicity of    
real aristocracy as regards dress4  ,in 
our allusions to the dress of a         
gentleman1 we have urged a studied      
simplicity of apparel2 the same remarks 
are equally applicable to that of a     
lady4 ,indeed1 simplicity is the grand  

secret of a lady's toilet4 ,when she    
burdens herself with a profusion of     
bijouterie she rather detracts from than
 adds to her personal appearance1 while 
all outre fashions and ultra styles of  
dress1 though they excite attention1    
neither win respect nor enhance the     
attraction of the wearer4  ,some ladies1
 perhaps imagining that they are        
deficient in personal charms--and we are
 willing to believe that there are such1
 although the ,chesterfieldian school of
 philosophers would ridicule the        
idea--endeavor to make their clothes the
 spell of their attraction4 ,with this  
end in view1 they labor by lavish       
expenditure to supply in expensive      
adornment what they lack in beauty of   
form or feature4 ,unfortunately for     
their success1 elegant dressing does not
 depend upon expense4 ,a lady might wear
 the costliest silks that ,italy could  
produce1 adorn herself with laces from  
,brussels which years of patient toil   
are required to fabricate2 she might    

carry the jewels of an ,eastern princess
 around her neck and upon her wrists and
 fingers1 yet still1 in appearance1 be  
essentially vulgar4 ,these were as      
nothing without grace1 without          
adaptation1 without a harmonious        
blending of colors1 without the exercise
 of discrimination and good taste4  ,the
 most appropriate and becoming dress is 
that which so harmonizes with the figure
 as to make the apparel unobserved4     
,when any particular portion of it      
excites the attention1 there is a       
defect1 for the details should not      
present themselves first but the result 
of perfect dressing should be an elegant
 woman1 the dress commanding no especial
 regard4 ,men are but indifferent judges
 of the material of a lady's dress2 in  
fact1 they care nothing about the       
matter4 ,a modest countenance and       
pleasing figure1 habited in an          
inexpensive attire1 would win more      
attention from men1 than awkwardness and
 effrontery1 clad in the richest satins 

of ,stewart and the costliest gems of   
,tiffany4  ,there are occasionally to be
 found among both sexes1 persons who    
neglect their dress through a ridiculous
 affectation of singularity1 and who    
take pride in being thought utterly     
indifferent to their personal           
appearance4 ,millionaires are very apt  
to manifest this characteristic1 but    
with them it generally arises through a 
miserly penuriousness of disposition2   
their imitators1 however1 are even more 
deficient than they in common sense4    
,lavater has urged that persons         
habitually attentive to their attire1   
display the same regularity in their    
domestic affairs4 ,he also says3 ,young 
women who neglect their toilet and      
manifest little concern about dress1    
indicate a general disregard of order--a
 mind but ill adapted to the details of 
housekeeping--a deficiency of taste and 
of the qualities that inspire love4     
,hence the desire of exhibiting an      
amiable exterior is essentially         

requisite in a young lady1 for it       
indicates cleanliness1 sweetness1 a love
 of order and propriety1 and all those  
virtues which are attractive to their   
associates1 and particularly to those of
 the other sex4  ,chesterfield asserts  
that a sympathy goes through every      
action of our lives1 and that he could  
not help conceiving some idea of        
people's sense and character from the   
dress in which they appeared when       
introduced to him4  ,another writer has 
remarked that he never yet met with a   
woman whose general style of dress was  
chaste1 elegant and appropriate1 that he
 did not find her on further            
acquaintance to be1 in disposition and  
mind1 an object to admire and love4     
,the fair sex have the reputation of    
being passionately fond of dress1 and   
the love of it has been said to be      
natural to women4 ,we are not disposed  
to deny it1 but we do not regard it as a
 weakness nor a peculiarity to be       
condemned4 ,dress is the appropriate    

finish of beauty4 ,some one has said    
that1 ,without dress a handsome person  
is a gem1 but a gem that is not set4    
,but dress1 he further remarks1 must be 
consistent with the graces and with     
nature4  ,taste1 says a celebrated      
divine1 requires a congruity between the
 internal character and the external    
appearance2 the imagination will        
involuntarily form to itself an idea of 
such a correspondence4 ,first ideas are1
 in general1 of considerable            
consequence4 ,i should therefore think  
it wise in the female world to take care
 that their appearance should not convey
 a forbidding idea to the most          
superficial observer4  ,as we have      
already remarked1 the secret of perfect 
dressing is simplicity1 costliness being
 no essential element of real elegance4 
,we have to add that everything depends 
upon the judgment and good taste of the 
wearer4 ,these should always be a       
harmonious adaptation of one article of 
attire to another1 as also to the size1 

figure and complexion of the wearer4    
,there should be a correspondence in all
 parts of a lady's toilet1 so as to     
present a perfect entirety4 ,thus1 when 
we see a female of light1 delicate      
complexion1 penciling her eyebrows until
 they are positively black1 we cannot   
but entertain a contempt for her lack of
 taste and good sense4 ,there is a      
harmony in nature's tints which art can 
never equal1 much less improve4  ,a fair
 face is generally accompanied by blue  
eyes1 light hair1 eyebrows and lashes4  
,there is a delicacy and harmonious     
blending of correspondences which are in
 perfect keeping2 but if you sully the  
eyebrows with blackness1 you destroy all
 similitude of feature and expression1  
and almost present a deformity4  ,we    
cannot but allude to the practice of    
using white paints1 a habit strongly to 
be condemned4 ,if for no other reason   
than that poison lurks beneath every    
layer1 inducing paralytic affections and
 premature death1 they should be        

discarded--but they are a disguise which
 deceives no one1 even at a distance2   
there is a ghastly deathliness in the   
appearance of the skin after it has been
 painted1 which is far removed from the 
natural hue of health4  ,the hostess    
should be particularly careful not to   
outshine her guests4 ,we have seen many 
instances where a lady1 fond of dress1  
7and what lady is not fond of dress87   
and conscious that it is unbecoming to  
dress to excess when visitors are       
invited1 yet so unable to restrain the  
desire of display1 has made the whole of
 her guests look shabby1 by the contrast
 of her own gay colors4 ,to dress meanly
 is a mark of disrespect to the company1
 but it is equally so to make a very gay
 appearance4 ,if you make a grand       
display yourself1 you are apt to appear 
as if you wished to parade your         
appearance1 and it is always safer to be
 under than over the mark4  ,in going   
out1 consider the sort of company you   
are likely to meet1 and endeavor to     

assimilate to them as much as           
possible--for to make a great display   
elsewhere is an evidence of bad taste4  
,but here if you miss the happy medium1 
dress above the mark rather than below  
it1 for you may dress more out of doors 
than you may at home4 ,where dancing is 
expected to take place1 no one should go
 without new kid gloves2 nothing is so  
revolting as to see one person in an    
assembly ungloved1 especially where the 
heat of the room1 and the exercise      
together1 are sure to make the hands    
redder than usual4 ,always wear your    
gloves in church or in a theater4  ,we  
may add a few general maxims1 applied to
 both sexes1 and our task will be done4 
,all affectation in dress1 says         
,chesterfield1 implies a flaw in the    
understanding4 ,one should1 therefore1  
avoid being singular1 or attracting the 
notice1 and the tongues of the          
sarcastic1 by being eccentric4  ,never  
dress against any one4 ,choose those    
garments which suit you1 and look well  

upon you1 perfectly irrespective of the 
fact that a lady or gentleman in the    
same village or street may excel you4   
,when dressed for company1 strive to    
appear as easy and natural as if you    
were in undress4 ,nothing is more       
distressing to a sensitive person1 or   
more ridiculous to one gifted with an   
esprit moqueur1 than to see a lady      
laboring under the consciousness of a   
fine gown2 or a gentleman who is stiff1 
awkward1 and ungainly in a bran-new     
coat4  ,dress according to your age4 ,it
 is both painful and ridiculous to see  
an old lady dressed as a belle of       
four-and-twenty1 or an old fellow1 old  
enough for a grandfather1 affecting the 
costume and the manners of a beau4      
,young men should be well dressed4 ,not 
foppishly1 but neatly and well4 ,an     
untidy person at five-and-twenty1       
degenerates1 very frequently1 into a    
sloven and a boor at fifty4  ,be not too
 negligent1 nor too studied in your     
attire2 and lastly1 let your behavior   

and conversation suit the clothes you   
wear1 so that those who know you may    
feel that1 after all1 dress and external
 appearance is the least portion of a   
,,lady or ,,gentleman4                  
,,introductions4   ,the custom which    
prevails in country places of           
introducing everybody you meet to each  
other1 is both an annoying and an       
improper one4 ,as a general rule1       
introductions ought not to be made1     
except where there is undoubted evidence
 that the acquaintance would be mutually
 agreeable and proper4  ,but if you     
should find an agreeable person in      
private society1 who seems desirous of  
making your acquaintance1 there cannot  
be any objection to your meeting his    
advances half way1 although the ceremony
 of an introduction may not have taken  
place2 his presence in your friend's    
house being a sufficient guarantee for  
his respectability1 as of course if he  
were an improper person he would not be 
there4  ,it is customary in introducing 

people1 to present the youngest person  
to the oldest1 or the humblest to the   
highest in position1 if there is any    
distinction4  ,in introducing a         
gentleman to a lady1 address her first1 
thus3 ,miss ,mason1 permit me to present
 you to ,mr4 ,kent2 or1 ,mr4 ,trevor1 ,i
 have the pleasure of presenting to you 
,mr4 ,marlow4 ,when one lady is married1
 and the other single1 present the      
single lady to the matron--,miss        
,harris1 allow me to introduce you to   
,mrs4 ,martin4  ,when you introduce     
parties whom you are quite sure will be 
pleased with each other1 it is well to  
add1 after the introduction1 that you   
take great pleasure in making them      
acquainted1 which will be an assurance  
to each that you think they are well    
matched1 and thus they are prepared to  
be friends from the start4  ,in         
introducing parties1 be careful to      
pronounce each name distinctly1 as there
 is nothing more awkward than to have   
one's name miscalled4  ,in introducing a

 foreigner1 it is proper to present him 
as ,mr4 ,leslie1 from ,england2 ,mr4 ,la
 ,rue from ,france4 ,likewise when      
presenting an ,american who has recently
 returned after traveling in distant    
lands1 make him known as ,mr4 ,dunlap1  
lately from ,france1 or ,mr4 ,meadows1  
recently from ,italy4  ,it is very easy 
to make these slight specifications1 and
 they at once afford an opening for     
conversation between the two strangers1 
for nothing will be more natural than to
 ask the recently arrived something     
about his voyage1 or the places he has  
seen during his travels4  ,when         
presenting a governor1 designate the    
,state he governs--as1 ,governor ,fenton
 of ,new ,york4 ,in introducing a member
 of ,congress1 mention the ,state to    
which he belongs1 as ,mr4 ,sherman of   
,ohio1 or ,mr4 ,banks of ,massachusetts4
 ,do not forget that ,congress includes 
the two legislative bodies4  ,when      
introducing any of the members of your  
own family1 mention the name in an      

audible tone4 ,it is not considered     
sufficient to say ,my father1 ,my       
mother1 ,my sister1 or ,my brother4 ,but
 say1 ,my father1 ,mr4 ,stanley1 ,my    
brother1 ,mr4 ,weston1 ,my sister1 ,miss
 or ,mrs4 ,hope4 ,it is best to be      
explicit in all these things1 for there 
may be more than one surname in the     
family4 ,the eldest daughter should be  
introduced by her surname only1 as1     
,miss ,sherwood1 her younger sisters1 as
 ,miss ,maud ,sherwood1 ,miss ,mary     
,sherwood4  ,in presenting a clergyman1 
do not neglect to put ,reverend before  
his name4 ,if he is a ,d4 ,d4 say1 ,the 
,reverend ,doctor4 ,if he is a bishop1  
then the word bishop is sufficient4     
,when you are introduced to a person1 be
 careful not to appear as though you had
 never heard of him before4 ,if he      
happens to be a person of any           
distinction1 such a mistake would be    
unpardonable1 and no person is          
complimented by being reminded of the   
fact that his name is unknown4  ,if by  

any misfortune you have been introduced 
to a person whose acquaintance you do   
not desire1 you can merely make the     
formal bow of etiquette when you meet   
him1 which1 of itself1 encourages no    
familiarity2 but the bow is             
indispensable1 for he cannot be thought 
a gentleman who would pass another with 
a vacant stare1 after having been       
formally presented to him4 ,by so doing1
 he would offer a slight which would    
justly make him appear contemptible even
 in the eyes of the person he means to  
humble4  ,what is called cutting another
 is never practiced by gentlemen or     
ladies1 except in some extraordinary    
instances of bad conduct on the part of 
the individual thus sacrificed4 ,an     
increased degree of ceremony and formal 
politeness is the most delicate way of  
withdrawing from an unpleasant          
acquaintance4 ,indeed1 what is called   
cutting is rarely ever practiced by     
well-bred ladies and gentlemen4  ,on    
introduction in a room1 a married lady  

generally offers her hand1 a young lady 
not2 in a ball-room1 where the          
introduction is to dancing1 not to      
friendship1 you never shake hands2 and  
as a general rule1 an introduction is   
not followed by shaking hands--only by a
 bow4 ,it may perhaps be laid down1 that
 the more public the place of           
introduction1 the less hand-shaking     
takes place2 but if the introduction be 
particular1 if it be accompanied by     
personal recommendation1 such as1 ,i    
want you to know my friend ,jones1 then 
you give ,jones your hand1 and warmly   
too4  ,it is understood in society1 that
 a person who has been properly         
introduced to you1 has some claim on    
your good offices in future2 you cannot 
therefore slight him without good       
reason1 and the chance of being called  
to an account for it4     ,,letters ,,of
 ,,introduction4   ,letters of          
introduction are to be regarded as      
certificates of respectability1 and are 
therefore never to be given where you do

 not feel sure on this point4 ,to send a
 person of whom you know nothing into   
the confidence and family of a friend1  
is an unpardonable recklessness4 ,in    
,england1 letters of introduction are   
called tickets to soup1 because it is   
generally customary to invite a         
gentleman to dine who comes with a      
letter of introduction to you4 ,such is 
also the practice1 to some extent1 in   
this country1 but etiquette here does   
not make the dinner so essential as     
there4  ,in ,england1 the party holding 
a letter of introduction never takes it 
himself to the party to whom it is      
addressed1 but he sends it with his card
 of address4  ,in ,france1 and on the   
continent of ,europe generally1 directly
 the reverse is the fashion4 ,in        
,america the ,english custom generally  
prevails2 though where a young gentleman
 has a letter to one who is many years  
his senior1 or to one whose aid he seeks
 in some enterprise1 he takes it at once
 himself4  ,when a gentleman1 bearing a 

letter of introduction to you1 leaves   
his card1 you should call on him1 or    
send a note1 as early as possible4      
,there is no greater insult than to     
treat a letter of introduction with     
indifference--it is a slight to the     
stranger as well as to the introducer1  
which no subsequent attentions will     
cancel4 ,after you have made this call1 
it is1 to some extent1 optional with you
 as to what further attentions you shall
 pay the party4 ,in this country        
everybody is supposed to be very busy1  
which is always a sufficient excuse for 
not paying elaborate attentions to      
visitors4 ,it is not demanded that any  
man shall neglect his business to wait  
upon visitors or guests4  ,do not       
imagine these little ceremonies to be   
insignificant and beneath your          
attention2 they are the customs of      
society2 and if you do not conform to   
them1 you will gain the unenviable      
distinction of being pointed out as an  
ignorant1 ill-bred person4 ,not that you

 may care the more for strangers by     
showing them civility1 but you should   
scrupulously avoid the imputation of    
being deficient in good-breeding2 and if
 you do not choose to be polite for     
their sakes1 you ought to be so for your
 own4  ,letters of introduction should  
only be given by actual friends of the  
persons addressed1 and to actual friends
 of their own4 ,never1 if you are wise1 
give a letter to a person whom you do   
not know1 nor address one to one whom   
you know slightly4 ,the letter of       
introduction1 if actually given to its  
bearer1 should be left unsealed1 that he
 may not incur the fate of the ,persian 
messenger1 who brought tablets of       
introduction recommending the new       
acquaintance to cut his head off4 ,a    
letter of this kind must therefore be   
carefully worded1 stating in full the   
name of the person introduced1 but with 
as few remarks about him as possible4   
,it is generally sufficient to say that 
he is a friend of yours1 whom you trust 

your other friend will receive with     
attention1 etc4 ,in traveling it is well
 to have as many letters as possible1   
but not to pin your faith on them4      
,,dinner ,,parties4   ,invitations to   
dine1 from a married party1 are sent in 
some such form as the following3        
,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,a---- present their     
compliments to ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,b----1   
and request the honor1 or hope to have  
the pleasure of their      company to   
dinner on ,wednesday1 the #ajth of      
,december next1 at      seven4          
,a---- ,street1 ,november #ahth1 #ah--4 
,r4 ,s4 ,v4 ,p4  ,the letters in the    
corner imply ,repondez1 s'il vous plait2
 meaning1 an answer will oblige4 ,the   
reply1 accepting the invitation1 is     
concluded in the following terms3       
,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,b---- present their     
compliments to ,mr4 and ,mrs4 ,a----1   
and will do themselves the honor1 or    
will have much pleasure in              
accepting their kind invitation to      
dinner on the #ajth of ,december        

next4       ,b---- ,square1 ,november   
#bast1 #ah--4  ,the answer to           
invitations to dine1 accepting or       
declining1 should be sent immediately1  
and are always addressed to the lady4   
,if1 after you have accepted an         
invitation1 anything occurs to render it
 impossible for you to go1 the lady     
should be informed of it immediately4   
,it is a great breach of etiquette not  
to answer an invitation as soon after it
 is received as possible1 and it is an  
insult to disappoint when we have       
promised4  ,cards or invitations for a  
dinner party1 should be issued at least 
two weeks beforehand1 and care should be
 taken by the hostess1 in the selection 
of the invited guests1 that they should 
be suited to each other4 ,much also of  
the pleasure of the dinner-party will   
depend on the arrangement of the guests 
at table1 so as to form a due admixture 
of talkers and listeners1 the grave and 
the gay4  ,letters or cards of          
invitation should always name the hour  

of dinner2 and well-bred people will    
arrive as nearly at the specified time  
as they can4 ,be sure and not be a      
minute behind the time1 and you should  
not get there long before1 unless the   
invitation requests you particularly to 
come early for a little chat before     
dinner4  ,it is always best for the lady
 of the house1 where a dinner-party is  
to come off1 to be dressed and ready to 
appear in the drawing-room as early as  
possible1 so that if any of the guests  
should happen to come a little early1   
she may be prepared to receive them4 ,it
 is awkward for both parties where      
visitors arrive before the lady of the  
house is ready for them4 ,if it is      
necessary for her to keep an eye upon   
the dinner1 it is still best that she   
should familiarly receive her guests1   
and beg to be excused1 if it is         
necessary for her to vanish occasionally
 to the kitchen4 ,a real lady is not    
ashamed to have it known that she goes  
into the kitchen2 on the contrary1 it is

 more likely that she will be a little  
proud of being thought capable of       
superintending the preparing feast4  ,it
 is not in good taste for the lady of   
the house1 where a dinner-party is      
given1 to dress very much4 ,she leaves  
it for her lady-guests to make what     
display they please1 and she offers no  
rivalry to their fine things4 ,she      
contents herself with a tasty neglige1  
which often proves the most fascinating 
equipment after all1 especially1 if the 
cheeks become a little flushed with     
natural bloom1 in consequence of the    
exercise and anxiety incident to the    
reception of the guests4  ,the half hour
 before dinner has always been          
considered as the great ordeal through  
which the lady of the house1 in giving a
 dinner-party1 will either pass with    
flying colors1 or lose many of her      
laurels4 ,the anxiety to receive her    
guests1 her hope that all will be       
present in good time1 her trust in the  
skill of her cook1 and the attention of 

the other domestics all tend to make the
 few minutes a trying time4 ,the lady   
however1 must display no kind of        
agitation1 but show her tact in         
suggesting light and cheerful subjects  
of conversation1 which will be much     
aided by the introduction of any        
particular new book1 curiosity of art1  
or article of virtu1 which may          
pleasantly engage the attention of the  
company4  ,waiting for dinner1 however1 
is a trying time1 and there are few who 
have not felt----        ,how sad it is 
to sit and pine1       ,the long        
half-hour before we dine6       ,upon   
our watches oft we look1       ,then    
wonder at the clock and cook1           
,and strive to laugh in spite of ,fate6 
,but laughter forced1 soon quits  the   
room1       ,and leaves it to its former
 gloom4       ,but lo6 the dinner now   
appears1       ,the object of our hope  
and fears1           ,the end of all our
 pain6  ,in giving an entertainment of  
this kind1 the lady should remember that

 it is her duty to make her guests feel 
happy1 comfortable1 and quite at their  
ease2 and the guests should also        
consider that they have come to the     
house of their hostess to be happy4     
,when dinner is on the table1 the lady  
and gentleman of the house will have an 
opportunity of showing their tact by    
seeing that the most distinguished      
guests1 or the oldest1 are shown into   
the dining-room first1 and by making    
those companions at the table who are   
most likely to be agreeable to each     
other4 ,the lady of the house may lead  
the way1 or follow her guests into the  
dining-room1 as she pleases4 ,among     
those who delight to follow the         
etiquette of the ,english nobility1 the 
latter practice is followed4 ,but the   
practice must not be considered a test  
of good breeding in ,america4 ,if the   
lady leads1 the husband will follow     
behind the guests1 with the lady on his 
arm who is to sit at his side4 ,the old 
custom is still followed to some extent 

in this country1 of the lady taking the 
head of the table1 with the two most    
favored guests seated1 the one at her   
right and the other at her left hand2   
while the gentleman of the house takes  
the foot of the table1 supported on each
 side by the two ladies most entitled to
 consideration4 ,but this old rule is by
 no means slavishly followed in polite  
society in this country4  ,in order to  
be able to watch the course of the      
dinner1 and to see that nothing is      
wanting to their guests1 the lady and   
gentleman of the house usually seat     
themselves in the centre of the table1  
opposite each other4  ,when all the     
guests are seated1 the lady of the house
 serves in plates1 from a pile at her   
left hand1 the soup1 which she sends    
round1 beginning with her neighbors     
right and left1 and continuing till all 
are helped4 ,these first plates usually 
pass twice1 for each guest endeavors to 
induce his neighbor to accept what was  
sent to him4  ,the gentleman then       

carves1 or causes to be carved by some  
expert guest1 the large pieces1 in order
 afterwards to do the other honors      
himself4 ,if you have no skill in       
carving meats1 do not attempt it2 nor   
should you ever discharge this duty     
except when your good offices are       
solicited by him2 neither can we refuse 
anything sent us from his hand4         
,,habits ,,at ,,table4   ,as soon as    
dinner is announced1 the host or hostess
 will give the signal for leaving the   
drawing-room1 and in all probability you
 will be requested to escort one of the 
ladies to the table4 ,if this should    
occur1 offer the lady your left arm1 and
 at the table remain standing until     
every lady is seated1 then take the     
place assigned to you by the hostess4   
,when you leave the parlor1 pass out    
first1 and the lady will follow you1    
still lightly holding your arm4 ,at the 
door of the dining-room1 the lady will  
drop your arm4 ,you should then pass in1
 and wait at one side of the entrance   

till she passes you4 ,having arrived at 
the table1 each gentleman respectfully  
salutes the lady whom he conducts1 who  
in her turn1 also bows and takes her    
seat4  ,nothing indicates the good      
breeding of a gentleman so much as his  
manners at table4 ,there are a thousand 
little points to be observed1 which1    
although not absolutely necessary1      
distinctly stamp the refined and        
well-bred man4 ,a man may pass muster by
 dressing well1 and may sustain himself 
tolerably in conversation2 but if he be 
not perfectly au fait1 dinner will      
betray him4  ,any unpleasant            
peculiarity1 abruptness1 or coarseness  
of manners1 is especially offensive at  
table4 ,people are more easily disgusted
 at that time than at any other4 ,all   
such acts as leaning over on one side in
 your chair1 placing your elbows on the 
table1 or on the back of your neighbor's
 chair1 gaping1 twisting about          
restlessly in your seat1 are to be      
avoided as heresies of the most infidel 

stamp at table4  ,though the body at    
table should always be kept in a        
tolerably upright and easy position1 yet
 one need not sit bolt-upright1 as stiff
 and prim as a poker4 ,to be easy1 to be
 natural1 and to appear comfortable1 is 
the deportment required4  ,always go to 
a dinner as neatly dressed as possible4 
,the expensiveness of your apparel is   
not of much importance1 but its         
freshness and cleanliness are           
indispensable4 ,the hands and           
finger-nails require especial attention4
 ,it is a great insult to every lady at 
the table for a man to sit down to      
dinner with his hands in a bad          
condition4  ,it is considered vulgar to 
take fish or soup twice4 ,the reason for
 not being helped twice to fish or soup 
at a large dinner-party is1 because by  
doing so you keep three parts of the    
company staring at you whilst waiting   
for the second course1 which is         
spoiling1 much to the annoyance of the  
mistress of the house4 ,the selfish     

greediness1 therefore1 of so doing      
constitutes its vulgarity4 ,at a family 
dinner it is of less importance1 and is 
consequently often done4  ,you will sip 
your soup as quietly as possible from   
the side of the spoon1 and you1 of      
course1 will not commit the vulgarity of
 blowing in it1 or trying to cool it1   
after it is in your mouth1 by drawing in
 an unusual quantity of air1 for by so  
doing you would be sure to annoy1 if you
 did not turn the stomach of the lady or
 gentleman next to you4  ,be careful and
 do not touch either your knife or your 
fork until after you have finished      
eating your soup4 ,leave your spoon in  
your soup plate1 that the servant may   
remove them4  ,never use your knife to  
convey your food to your mouth1 under   
any circumstances2 it is unnecessary1   
and glaringly vulgar4 ,feed yourself    
with a fork or spoon1 nothing else--a   
knife is only to be used for cutting4   
,if at dinner you are requested to help 
any one to sauce1 do not pour it over   

the meat or vegetables1 but on one side4
 ,if you should have to carve and help a
 joint1 do not load a person's plate--it
 is vulgar2 also in serving soup1 one   
ladleful to each plate is sufficient4   
,fish should always be helped with a    
silver fish-slice1 and your own portion 
of it divided by the fork aided by a    
piece of bread4 ,the application of a   
knife to fish is likely to destroy the  
delicacy of its flavor2 besides which1  
fish sauces are often acidulated2 acids 
corrode steel1 and draw from it a       
disagreeable taste4  ,the lady and      
gentleman of the house are1 of course1  
helped last1 and they are very          
particular to notice1 every minute1     
whether the waiters are attentive to    
every guest4 ,but they do not press     
people either to eat more than they     
appear to want1 nor insist upon their   
partaking of any particular dish4 ,it is
 allowable for you to recommend1 so far 
as to say that it is considered         
excellent1 but remember that tastes     

differ1 and dishes which suit you1 may  
be unpleasant to others2 and that1 in   
consequence of your urgency1 some modest
 people might feel themselves compelled 
to partake of what is disagreeable to   
them4  ,neither ladies nor gentlemen    
ever wear gloves at table1 unless their 
hands1 from some cause1 are not fit to  
be seen4  ,avoid too slow or too rapid  
eating2 the one will appear as though   
you did not like your dinner1 and the   
other as though you were afraid you     
would not get enough4  ,making a noise  
in chewing your food1 or breathing hard 
in eating1 are unseemly habits1 which   
will be sure to get you a bad name at   
table1 among people of good-breeding4   
,let it be a sacred rule that you cannot
 use your knife1 or fork1 or teeth too  
quietly4  ,avoid picking your teeth1 if 
possible1 at table1 for however         
agreeable such a practice might be to   
yourself1 it may be offensive to others4
 ,the habit which some have of holding  
one hand over the mouth1 does not avoid 

the vulgarity of teeth-picking at table4
  ,unless you are requested to do so1   
never select any particular part of a   
dish2 but if your host asks you what    
part you prefer1 name some part1 as in  
this case the incivility would consist  
in making your host choose as well as   
carve for you4  ,if your host or hostess
 passes you a plate1 keep it1 especially
 if you have chosen the food upon it1   
for others have also a choice1 and by   
passing it1 you may give your neighbor  
dishes distasteful to him1 and take     
yourself those which he would much      
prefer4  ,if a dish is distasteful to   
you1 decline it1 but make no remarks    
about it4 ,it is sickening and          
disgusting to explain at a table how one
 article makes you sick1 or why some    
other dish has become distasteful to    
you4 ,i have seen a well-dressed        
tempting dish go from a table untouched1
 because one of the company told a most 
disgusting anecdote about finding vermin
 served in a similar dish4  ,if the meat

 or fish upon your plate is too rare or 
too well-done1 do not eat it2 give for  
an excuse that you prefer some other    
dish before you2 but never tell your    
host that his cook has made the dish    
uneatable4  ,if a gentleman is seated by
 the side of a lady or elderly person1  
politeness requires him to save them all
 trouble of pouring out for themselves  
to drink1 and of obtaining whatever they
 are in want of at the table4 ,he should
 be eager to offer them whatever he     
thinks to be most to their taste4       
,never pare an apple or a pear for a    
lady unless she desire you1 and then be 
careful to use your fork to hold it2 you
 may sometimes offer to divide a very   
large pear with or for a person4  ,it is
 not good taste to praise extravagantly 
every dish that is set before you2 but  
if there are some things that are really
 very nice1 it is well to speak in their
 praise4 ,but1 above all things1 avoid  
seeming indifferent to the dinner that  
is provided for you1 as that might be   

construed into a dissatisfaction with   
it4  ,some persons1 in helping their    
guests1 or recommending dishes to their 
taste1 preface every such action with a 
eulogy on its merits1 and draw every    
bottle of wine with an account of its   
virtues2 others1 running into the       
contrary extreme1 regret or fear that   
each dish is not exactly as it should   
be2 that the cook1 etc41 etc4 ,both of  
these habits are grievous errors4 ,you  
should leave it to your guests alone to 
approve1 or suffer one of your intimate 
friends who is present1 to vaunt your   
wine4  ,if you ask the waiter for       
anything1 you will be careful to speak  
to him gently in the tone of request1   
and not of command4 ,to speak to a      
waiter in a driving manner will create1 
among well-bred people1 the suspicion   
that you were sometime a servant        
yourself1 and are putting on airs at the
 thought of your promotion4 ,lord       
,chesterfield says3 ,if ,i tell a       
footman to bring me a glass of wine1 in 

a rough1 insulting manner1 ,i should    
expect that1 in obeying me1 he would    
contrive to spill some of it upon me1   
and ,i am sure ,i should deserve it4    
,should your servants break anything    
while you are at table1 never turn      
round1 or inquire into the particulars1 
however annoyed you may feel4 ,if your  
servants betray stupidity or awkwardness
 in waiting on your guests1 avoid       
reprimanding them publicly1 as it only  
draws attention to their errors1 and    
adds to their embarrassment4  ,never    
commit the vulgarism of speaking when   
you have any food in your mouth4  ,when 
you have occasion to change or pass your
 plate during dinner1 be careful and    
remove your knife and fork1 that the    
plate alone may be taken1 but after you 
have finished your dinner1 cross the    
knife and fork on the plate1 that the   
servant may take all away1 before       
bringing you clean ones for dessert4    
,do not put butter on your bread at     
dinner1 and avoid biting or cutting your

 bread from the slice1 or roll2 rather  
break off small pieces1 and put these in
 your mouth with your fingers4  ,it is  
considered vulgar to dip a piece of     
bread into the preserves or gravy upon  
your plate and then bite it4 ,if you    
desire to eat them together1 it is much 
better to break the bread in small      
pieces1 and convey these to your mouth  
with your fork4  ,avoid putting bones1  
or the seeds of fruit1 upon your        
table-cloth4 ,rather place them upon the
 edge of your plate4  ,when you wish to 
help yourself to butter1 salt1 or sugar1
 use the butter-knife1 salt-spoon and   
sugar-tongs2 to use your own knife1     
spoon or fingers evinces great ignorance
 and ill-breeding4  ,it is customary in 
some ,american families to serve their  
guests with coffee in the parlor after  
dinner4 ,but this is a ,european custom 
which is not generally practiced in     
polite ,american society4 ,when coffee  
is given at the close of the dinner1 it 
is more usual to serve it before the    

guests leave the table4 ,the practice of
 handing it round in the parlor or      
drawing-room1 is an unnecessary         
inconvenience to the guests             
particularly1 without any compensating  
advantages4  ,finger-glasses are        
generally handed round as soon as the   
viands are removed1 but they are        
intended merely to wet the fingers and  
around the mouth4 ,when the             
finger-glasses are passed1 wet your     
fingers in them and then wipe them upon 
your napkin4 ,the habit of rinsing the  
mouth at table is a disgusting piece of 
indelicacy1 which is never practiced by 
any well-bred person4  ,upon leaving the
 table1 lay your napkin beside your     
plate1 but do not fold it4  ,do not     
leave the table until the lady of the   
house gives the signal1 and when you    
leave offer your arm to the lady whom   
you escorted to the table4  ,it is      
generally the custom in this country for
 ladies to retain their seats at table  
till the end of the feast1 but if they  

withdraw1 the gentlemen all rise when   
they leave the table1 and remain        
standing until they have left the room4 
,politeness demands that you remain at  
least an hour in the parlor1 after      
dinner2 and1 if you can dispose of an   
entire evening1 it would be well to     
devote it to the person who has         
entertained you4 ,it is excessively rude
 to leave the house as soon as dinner is
 over4     ,,wine ,,at ,,table4         
,almost every gentleman has wine at his 
table whenever he has invited guests4   
,indeed1 wine is considered an          
indispensable part of a good dinner1 to 
which ladies and gentlemen have been    
formally invited4 ,even if you are a    
total-abstinence man yourself1 you will 
not1 if you are really a gentleman1     
attempt to compel all your guests to be 
so against their wish4 ,if you are so   
fanatical that you have what is called  
conscientious scruples against          
furnishing wine1 then you should invite 
none to dine who are not as fanatical   

and bigoted as yourself4 ,you must      
consider that a gentleman may have      
conscientious scruples against dining   
with you on cold water1 for there are   
even temperate and sober gentleman who  
would go without meat as soon as be     
deprived of their glass of wine at      
dinner4 ,the vegetarian1 who would force
 his guests to dine on cabbages and     
onions1 is hardly guilty of a greater   
breach of etiquette than the            
total-abstinence fanatic who would      
compel his guests to go without wine4   
,if there is a gentleman at the table   
who is known to be a total-abstinence   
man1 you will not urge him to drink4 ,he
 will suffer his glass to be filled at  
the first passage of the wine1 and      
raising it to his lips1 will bow his    
respects with the rest of the guests1   
and after that his glass will be allowed
 to remain untouched4 ,as little notice 
as possible should be taken of his      
total-abstinence peculiarity4 ,and1 if  
he is a gentleman1 he will carefully    

avoid drawing attention to it himself4  
,it is not now the custom to ask a lady 
across the table to take wine with you4 
,it is expected that every lady will be 
properly helped to wine by the gentleman
 who takes her to the table1 or who sits
 next to her4 ,but if you are in company
 where the old custom prevails1 it would
 be better breeding to follow the custom
 of the place1 rather than by an        
omission of what your entertainer       
considers civility1 to prove him1 in    
face of his guests1 to be either        
ignorant or vulgar4 ,if either a lady or
 gentleman is invited to take wine at   
table1 they must never refuse2 if they  
do not drink1 they need only touch the  
wine to their lips4 ,do not offer to    
help a lady to wine until you see she   
has finished her soup or fish4  ,always 
wipe your mouth before drinking1 as     
nothing is more ill-bred than to grease 
your glass with your lips4  ,do not     
propose to take wine with your host2 it 
is his privilege to invite you4  ,it is 

considered well bred to take the same   
wine as that selected by the person with
 whom you drink4 ,when1 however1 the    
wine chosen by him is unpalatable to    
you1 it is allowable to take that which 
you prefer1 at the same time            
apologizingly saying1 ,will you permit  
me to drink claret8 or whatever wine you
 have selected4  ,in inviting a lady to 
take wine with you at table1 you should 
politely say1 ,shall ,i have the        
pleasure of a glass of wine with you8   
,you will then either hand her the      
bottle you have selected1 or send it by 
the waiter1 and afterwards fill your own
 glass1 when you will politely and      
silently bow to each other1 as you raise
 the wine to your lips4 ,the same       
ceremony is to be observed when inviting
 a gentleman4  ,on raising the first    
glass of wine to his lips1 it is        
customary for a gentleman to bow to the 
lady of the house4  ,it is not customary
 to propose toasts or to drink deep at a
 gentleman's family table4 ,lord ,byron 

describes a largish party1 as first     
silent1 then talky1 then argumentative1 
then disputatious1 then unintelligible1 
then altogethery1 then drunk4 ,but this 
was a largish party1 which1 it is to be 
hoped1 was given at a tavern2 for the   
man who drinks to intoxication1 or to   
any considerable degree of elevation1 at
 a gentleman's family table1 ought never
 to expect to be invited a second time4 
,at dinner-parties which are given to   
gentlemen1 for the purpose of           
conviviality1 one may indulge in as much
 wine as he pleases1 provided he does   
not get drunk1 and make a nuisance of   
himself4 ,where drinking1 and toasting1 
and bumpers1 are the order of the feast1
 as at a public dinner1 given in honor  
of a distinguished man1 or at the       
inauguration of some public enterprise1 
far greater latitude is allowed1 in all 
things1 than on more private and select 
occasions4  ,in conclusion of our       
article on table etiquette1 we quote    
from a recent ,english work1 some       

humorous1 but valuable hints3  ,we now  
come to habits at table1 which are very 
important4 ,however agreeable a man may 
be in society1 if he offends or disgusts
 by his table traits1 he will soon be   
scouted from it1 and justly so4 ,there  
are some broad rules for behavior at    
table4 ,whenever there is a servant to  
help you1 never help yourself4 ,never   
put a knife into your mouth1 not even   
with cheese1 which should be eaten with 
a fork4 ,never use a spoon for anything 
but liquids4 ,never touch anything      
edible with your fingers4  ,forks were  
undoubtedly a later invention than      
fingers1 but as we are not cannibals1 ,i
 am inclined to think they were a good  
one4 ,there are some few things which   
you may take up with your fingers4 ,thus
 an epicure will eat even macaroni with 
his fingers2 and as sucking asparagus is
 more pleasant than chewing it1 you may1
 as an epicure1 take it up au naturel4  
,but both these things are generally    
eaten with a fork4 ,bread is1 of course1

 eaten with the fingers1 and it would be
 absurd to carve it with your knife and 
fork4 ,it must1 on the contrary1 always 
be broken when not buttered1 and you    
should never put a slice of dry bread to
 your mouth to bite a piece off4 ,most  
fresh fruit1 too1 is eaten with the     
natural prongs1 but when you have peeled
 an orange or apple1 you should cut it  
with the aid of the fork1 unless you can
 succeed in breaking it4 ,apropos of    
which1 ,i may hint that no epicure ever 
yet put a knife to an apple1 and that an
 orange should be peeled with a spoon4  
,but the art of peeling an orange so as 
to hold its own juice1 and its own sugar
 too1 is one that can scarcely be taught
 in a book4  ,however1 let us go to     
dinner1 and ,i will soon tell you       
whether you are a well-bred man or not2 
and here let me premise that what is    
good manners for a small dinner is good 
manners for a large one1 and vice versa4
 ,now1 the first thing you do is to sit 
down4 ,stop1 sir6 pray do not cram      

yourself into the table in that way2 no1
 nor sit a yard from it1 like that4 ,how
 graceless1 inconvenient1 and in the way
 of conversation6 ,why1 dear me6 you are
 positively putting your elbows on the  
table1 and now you have got your hands  
fumbling about with the spoons and      
forks1 and now you are nearly knocking  
my new hock glasses over4 ,can't you    
take your hands down1 sir8 ,didn't you1 
learn that in the nursery8 ,didn't your 
mamma say to you1 ,never put your hands 
above the table except to carve or eat8 
,oh6 but come1 no nonsense1 sit up1 if  
you please4 ,i can't have your fine head
 of hair forming a side dish on my      
table2 you must not bury your face in   
the plate2 you came to show it1 and it  
ought to be alive4 ,well1 but there is  
no occasion to throw your head back like
 that1 you look like an alderman1 sir1  
after dinner4 ,pray1 don't lounge in    
that sleepy way4 ,you are here to eat1  
drink1 and be merry4 ,you can sleep when
 you get home4  ,well1 then1 ,i suppose 

you can see your napkin4 ,got none1     
indeed6 ,very likely1 in my house4 ,you 
may be sure that ,i never sit down to a 
meal without napkins4 ,i don't want to  
make my tablecloths unfit for use1 and  
,i don't want to make my trousers       
unwearable4 ,well1 now1 we are all      
seated1 you can unfold it on your knees2
 no1 no2 don't tuck it into your        
waistcoat like an alderman2 and what6   
what on earth do you mean by wiping your
 forehead with it8 ,do you take it for a
 towel8 ,well1 never mind1 ,i am        
consoled that you did not go farther1   
and use it as a pocket-handkerchief4 ,so
 talk away to the lady on your right1   
and wait till soup is handed to you4 ,by
 the way1 that waiting is the most      
important part of table manners1 and1 as
 much as possible1 you should avoid     
asking for anything or helping yourself 
from the table4 ,your soup you eat with 
a spoon--,i don't know what else you    
could eat it with--but then it must be  
one of good size4 ,yes1 that will do1   

but ,i beg you will not make that odious
 noise in drinking your soup4 ,it is    
louder than a dog lapping water1 and a  
cat would be quite genteel to it4 ,then 
you need not scrape up the plate in that
 way1 nor even tilt it to get the last  
drop4 ,i shall be happy to send you some
 more2 but ,i must just remark1 that it 
is not the custom to take two helpings  
of soup1 and it is liable to keep other 
people waiting1 which1 once for all1 is 
a selfish and intolerable habit4 ,but   
don't you hear the servant offering you 
sherry8 ,i wish you would attend1 for my
 servants have quite enough to do1 and  
can't wait all the evening while you    
finish that very mild story to ,miss    
,goggles4 ,come1 leave that decanter    
alone4 ,i had the wine put on the table 
to fill up2 the servants will hand it   
directly1 or1 as we are a small party1  
,i will tell you to help yourself2 but  
pray1 do not be so officious4 7,there1  
,i have sent him some turbot to keep him
 quiet4 ,i declare he cannot make up his

 mind47 ,you are keeping my servant     
again1 sir4 ,will you1 or will you not1 
do turbot8 ,don't examine it in that    
way2 it is quite fresh1 ,i assure you2  
take or decline it4 ,ah1 you take it1   
but that is no reason why you should    
take up a knife too4 ,fish1 ,i repeat1  
must never be touched with a knife4     
,take a fork in the right and a small   
piece of bread in the left hand4 ,good1 
but----8 ,oh6 that is atrocious2 of     
course you must not swallow the bones1  
but you should rather do so than spit   
them out in that way4 ,put up your      
napkin like this1 and land the said bone
 on your plate4 ,don't rub your head in 
the sauce1 my good man1 nor go progging 
about after the shrimps or oysters      
therein4 ,oh6 how horrid6 ,i declare    
your mouth was wide open and full of    
fish4 ,small pieces1 ,i beseech you2 and
 once for all1 whatever you eat1 keep   
your mouth shut1 and never attempt to   
talk with it full4  ,so now you have got
 a pate4 ,surely you are not taking two 

on your plate6 ,there is plenty of      
dinner to come1 and one is quite enough4
 ,oh6 dear me1 you are incorrigible4    
,what6 a knife to cut that light brittle
 pastry8 ,no1 nor fingers1 never4 ,nor a
 spoon--almost as bad4 ,take your fork1 
sir1 your fork2 and1 now you have eaten1
 oblige me by wiping your mouth and     
moustache with your napkin1 for there is
 a bit of the pastry hanging to the     
latter1 and looking very disagreeable4  
,well1 you can refuse a dish if you     
like4 ,there is no positive necessity   
for you to take venison if you don't    
want it4 ,but1 at any rate1 do not be in
 that terrific hurry4 ,you are not going
 off by the next train4 ,wait for the   
sauce and wait for the vegetables2 but  
whether you eat them or not1 do not     
begin before everybody else4 ,surely you
 must take my table for that of a       
railway refreshment-room1 for you have  
finished before the person ,i helped    
first4 ,fast eating is bad for the      
digestion1 my good sir1 and not very    

good manners either4 ,what6 are you     
trying to eat meat with a fork alone8   
,oh6 it is sweetbread2 ,i beg your      
pardon1 you are quite right4 ,let me    
give you a rule3 ,everything that can be
 cut without a knife1 should be cut with
 a fork alone4 ,eat your vegetables1    
therefore1 with a fork4 ,no1 there is no
 necessity to take a spoon for peas2 a  
fork in the right hand will do4 ,what6  
did ,i really see you put your knife    
into your mouth8 ,then ,i must give you 
up4 ,once for all1 and ever1 the knife  
is to cut1 not to help with4 ,pray1 do  
not munch in that noisy manner2 chew    
your food well1 but softly4 ,eat slowly4
 ,have you not heard that ,napoleon lost
 the battle of ,leipsic by eating too   
fast8 ,it is a fact though4 ,his haste  
caused indigestion1 which made him      
incapable of attending to the details of
 the battle4 ,you see you are the last  
person eating at table4 ,sir1 ,i will   
not allow you to speak to my servants in
 that way4 ,if they are so remiss as to 

oblige you to ask for anything1 do it   
gently1 and in a low tone1 and thank a  
servant just as much as you would his   
master4 ,ten to one he is as good a man2
 and because he is your inferior in     
position1 is the very reason you should 
treat him courteously4 ,oh6 it is of no 
use to ask me to take wine2 far from    
pacifying me1 it will only make me more 
angry1 for ,i tell you the custom is    
quite gone out1 except in a few country 
villages1 and at a mess-table4 ,nor need
 you ask the lady to do so4 ,however1   
there is this consolation1 if you should
 ask any one to take wine with you1 he  
or she cannot refuse1 so you have your  
own way4 ,perhaps next you will be      
asking me to hob and nob1 or trinquer in
 the ,french fashion with arms          
encircled4 ,ah6 you don't know1 perhaps1
 that when a lady trinques in that way  
with you1 you have a right to finish off
 with a kiss4 ,very likely1 indeed6 ,but
 it is the custom in familiar circles in
 ,france1 but then we are not           

,frenchmen4 ,will you attend to your    
lady1 sir8 ,you did not come merely to  
eat1 but to make yourself agreeable4    
,don't sit as glum as the ,memnon at    
,thebes2 talk and be pleasant4 ,now you 
have some pudding4 ,no knife--no1 no4 ,a
 spoon1 if you like1 but better still1 a
 fork4 ,yes1 ice requires a spoon2 there
 is a small one handed you1 take that4  
,say 'no4' ,this is the fourth time wine
 has been handed to you1 and ,i am sure 
you have had enough4 ,decline this time 
if you please4 ,decline that dish too4  
,are you going to eat of everything that
 is handed8 ,i pity you if you do4 ,no1 
you must not ask for more cheese1 and   
you must eat it with your fork4 ,break  
the rusk with your fingers4 ,good4 ,you 
are drinking a glass of old port4 ,do   
not quaff it down at a gulp in that way4
 ,never drink a whole glassful of       
anything at once4  ,well1 here is the   
wine and dessert4 ,take whichever wine  
you like1 but remember you must keep to 
that1 and not change about4 ,before you 

go up stairs ,i will allow you a glass  
of sherry after your claret1 but        
otherwise drink of one wine only6 ,you  
don't mean to say you are helping       
yourself to wine before the ladies6 ,at 
least1 offer it to the one next to you1 
and then pass it on1 gently1 not with a 
push like that4 ,do not drink so fast2  
you will hurry me in passing the        
decanters1 if ,i see that your glass is 
empty4 ,you need not eat dessert till   
the ladies are gone1 but offer them     
whatever is nearest to you4 ,and now    
they are gone1 draw your chair near     
mine1 and ,i will try and talk more     
pleasantly to you4 ,you will come out   
admirably at your next dinner with all  
my teaching4 ,what6 you are excited1 you
 are talking loud to the colonel4       
,nonsense6 ,come and talk easily to me  
or to your nearest neighbor4 ,there1    
don't drink any more wine1 for ,i see   
you are getting romantic4 ,you oblige me
 to make a move4 ,you have had enough of
 those walnuts2 you are keeping me1 my  

dear sir4 ,so now to coffee one cup and 
tea1 which ,i beg you will not pour into
 your saucer to cool4 ,well1 the dinner 
has done you good1 and me too4 ,let us  
be amiable to the ladies1 but not too   
much so4     ,,carving4   ,carving is an
 art which every parent should teach his
 sons and daughters4 ,nothing can be    
more disagreeable and unpleasant than to
 be placed before any particular dish   
without being able to help it properly4 
,it is generally the case when the head 
of the family is a good carver2 for he  
so objects to see things badly cut1 that
 he prefers carving everything himself4 
,we remember once1 when very young1     
being invited to a large dinner1 and we 
were placed before a ham4 ,we began to  
hack this article1 when the general1 the
 founder of the feast1 said to his      
servant1 ,take that ham away from that  
young gentleman1 and place it before    
some one who knows how to carve4 ,from  
that moment we determined to achieve the
 art of carving1 and after great        

difficulty we succeeded1 and succeeded  
so well that once1 in carving a hare1 a 
clergyman1 one of the guests1 remarked  
what an excellent invention that of     
boning a hare was1 we carved it with so 
much ease2 but determined to have a joke
 at the expense of the clergyman1 we    
laid down the knife and fork1 and said1 
,sir1 we are surprised that you could   
express such an opinion1 when it is well
 known that it has filled more jails and
 sent more men to the treadmill than any
 other thing you can name4 ,what1 sir1  
taking the bones out of a hare8 ,no1    
sir1 'boning' the hare first4 ,no one   
can carve without practice1 and         
consequently children ought to begin    
young1 in order to acquire a thorough   
knowledge of the art4 ,it is difficult  
to describe the method of carving1 even 
with drawings or diagrams2 but the      
reader who wishes to learn1 may1 by     
observing how good carvers proceed1 and 
applying what he has seen to what he    
reads1 with practice1 soon become an    

adept4  ,and first1 never stand up to   
carve2 this is the greatest vulgarity1  
and even a very short man need not stand
 up4 ,a little1 deformed1 hump-back     
friend of ours1 used to give very good  
dinners2 he carved well1 and delighted  
in showing it1 but he had a             
failing--always to have very large      
joints of meat before him4 ,one day a   
stranger guest arrived late1 dinner had 
been served1 even soup and fish had been
 removed2 the host was absolutely hidden
 behind an enormous round of beef1 and  
the stranger saw nothing at the head of 
the table but the monstrous joint1 round
 which a knife was revolving with       
wonderful rapidity4 ,steam was the      
subject of talk at the moment1 and he   
exclaimed1 ,i did not know that you had 
brought steam to this perfection4 ,what 
perfection8 ,why1 don't you see that    
round of beef is carved by steam4 ,this 
was enough2 it got the hunchback's steam
 up1 and1 jumping on the chair1 he      
demanded who dare insult him in his own 

house2 and it was with great difficulty 
that his friends could appease his      
wrath1 and turn his steam off4 ,ever    
since the time of ,adam1 men and women  
have been prone to excuse themselves and
 lay the blame on others4 ,thus1 a      
person who could not swim1 complained   
bitterly of the want of buoyancy in the 
water2 and another1 who had frightfully 
mangled a leg of mutton in attempting to
 carve1 declared that the sheep was     
deformed and had a bandy leg4  ,in      
,france1 at all large dinners1 dishes   
are carved at the sideboard by a        
servant1 and then handed round in small 
portions4 ,it saves a great deal of     
trouble1 and prevents the shower of     
gravy with which awkward carvers will   
often inundate the table-cloth1 and     
sometimes their neighbors4 ,it would be 
well if this custom was universal in    
,america1 where it is rare to find a    
good carver4 ,in helping the soup1 never
 say1 ,will you let me assist you to    
some of this soup8 this is vulgar in the

 extreme4 ,the word assist is not selon 
les regles de la bonne societe1 but     
simply1 ,shall ,i send you some8 ,now1  
any one can help soup4 ,but then there  
are two ways1 the right and the wrong4  
,first1 then1 your soup plates should be
 held by the servant near the tureen1   
and you should judge the number you have
 to help by the quantity of soup you    
have1 to avoid the possibility of       
consuming all your soup before you have 
helped your guests2 give one spoonful of
 soup to each plate1 and avoid by all   
means slopping the soup either into the 
tureen or over the table-cloth1 or over 
the side of the plate1 all of which are 
extreme vulgarities4 ,and here we beg to
 say--notwithstanding ,brummel having   
said1 in speaking of some one with whom 
he could find no other fault1 that he   
was a sort of fellow who would come     
twice to soup1--that1 if very good1 it  
is not vulgar to eat twice of it2 but1  
au contraire1 if not good1 the worst    
possible taste4  ,the next thing in     

order is fish4 ,now1 of fish there are  
several sorts2 the first of the large   
sorts being  ,,salmon1 the shape of     
which every one knows2 but few people   
have a whole salmon at table4 ,the fish 
should be served always on a strainer1  
covered with a small dinner napkin1 and 
the cook should be careful that it be   
sent to table whole and unbroken4 ,it   
should be laid on its side1 and         
garnished with fried smelts2 it should  
be cut with the trowel1 or fish-knife1  
immediately down the middle of the side1
 and helped from the centre to the back1
 one slice back and a small slice       
towards the belly1 which is the richest 
and fattest part2 care should be taken  
that the slices are not broken1 and with
 each slice a fried smelt be given4     
,,cod-,,fish should be helped           
differently4 ,cutting from the back to  
the thin part1 crossways1 and the sound 
divided so as to give each person a     
small portion4  ,,mackerel1 if boiled1  
should be divided into four2 that is1   

place your trowel or fish-knife under   
the flesh at the tail1 and raise up the 
flesh to the head1 then divide the side 
in the middle1 giving half of the side  
to each person1 and leaving the bone and
 head and tail in the dish4  ,,herrings 
should be helped by giving one to each  
person4  ,,eels are always cut in small 
pieces1 and all the attention required  
is that those which are the largest are 
the best4  ,,patties ,,and ,,entrees    
ought to be so arranged that they can be
 served with a spoon1 and require no    
carving4 ,the roast is therefore the    
next thing that calls for observation4  
,a ,,leg ,,of ,,mutton is1 or rather    
ought to be served exactly the reverse  
side to a haunch of mutton2 that is1 it 
ought to lie on the flat side1 and so   
show the beveled side to the carver4 ,a 
slice is cut in the center2 and then the
 carver is to cut to the bone right and 
left1 the thick side being most         
esteemed4 ,the best fat is that which   
lies at the thick end1 near to the bone2

 there is not much of it1 but it is     
considered a delicacy4  ,a ,,sirloin    
,,of ,,beef4--,the most elegant way to  
cut this joint is by making an incision 
from the chine-bone to the flap1        
directly in the center1 and helping from
 either side4 ,however1 this is not the 
most economical way2 and therefore it is
 to be cut thin on the outside1 from the
 chine-bone to the flaps1 with fat from 
underneath4 ,many people like the under 
side1 or inner loin4 ,if this is eaten  
hot--and it is best hot--the joint      
should be turned1 and the meat cut      
across in slices rather thicker than    
from the top side4 ,great care should be
 taken not to splash the gravy in       
turning1 by placing the fork well into  
the flap1 so as to secure a firm hold4  
,a ,,fore ,,quarter ,,of ,,lamb should  
be carved without removing the shoulder 
from the dish on which it is served4    
,this is very difficult2 but if well    
done1 very elegant4 ,first1 then1 let us
 give all the directions necessary for  

this dish4 ,when it comes before the    
carver1 he should place the             
carving-knife under the shoulder1 and   
dexterously remove it4 ,having so done1 
he should place under the shoulder a    
slice of fresh butter1 and then prepare 
some salt1 cayenne pepper1 and the juice
 of an orange or a lemon1 which should  
be also poured over the part of the lamb
 from which the shoulder has been       
separated1 and then pour the gravy with 
the gravy-spoon over the lamb1 so that  
the butter1 etc41 may amalgamate well   
with the gravy4 ,you have then the      
breast and the ribs1 and the shoulder on
 the dish1 ready to help your friends4  
,before separating the ribs1 you must   
cut off the breast1 the bones of which  
the butcher has previously broken1 so as
 to enable you to do it with ease4 ,as1 
however1 many people cannot carve so    
much in one dish1 perhaps the better    
plan is to place the shoulder on a      
separate dish1 when it can be cut       
precisely as a shoulder of mutton1 and  

the ribs and breast can be more easily  
divided and helped4 ,always take care   
that the butcher joints the meat1 or no 
man can carve it4  ,a ,,hind ,,quarter  
,,of ,,lamb should be carved both as a  
leg and a loin1 giving either part to   
those who prefer it4  ,a ,,saddle ,,of  
,,lamb must be carved like a saddle of  
mutton4  ,a ,,loin ,,of ,,lamb should   
always be divided at the chine end of   
the bone1 and helped in chops4  ,a      
,,haunch ,,of ,,venison ,,or ,,mutton is
 the leg and part of the loin4 ,it      
should be cut across1 near the knuckle1 
and then another cut should pass down   
the center4 ,the slices should be taken 
from the left and the right of this2    
those on the left1 containing the most  
fat1 are preferred by epicures4 ,the fat
 and gravy must be equally distributed4 
,these joints should always be served on
 a hot-water dish1 or on a dish with a  
lamp under it1 so as to keep the meat   
hot4 ,without one or other of these     
contrivances1 no one should presume to  

give a haunch of venison to his friends4
 ,before it is sent to table1 the cook  
should pour over the haunch one         
wine-glassful of hot port wine4  ,,an   
,,edge-,,bone ,,of ,,beef should be     
placed on the dish standing on the      
thickest end4 ,the carver should first  
cut off a slice horizontally from the   
end to the fat1 an inch thick2 but in   
helping1 it cannot be cut too thin1     
giving to each person hard and soft fat4
 ,if cut thick it is hard and           
indigestible4  ,a ,,round ,,or ,,buttock
 ,,of ,,beef is cut like a fillet of    
veal2 that is1 a slice having been      
horizontally removed all round1 the     
slices should be cut very thin and very 
even4 ,to properly carve a large round  
of beef1 a long carving-knife1 such as  
is used in a cook-shop1 is necessary4   
,a ,,fillet ,,of ,,veal is a solid piece
 of meat without bone2 it is therefore  
easily carved by any one who possesses a
 sharp knife2 the guard of the fork     
should be up1 to prevent accidents4 ,the

 veal should be well roasted2 for if the
 gravy is in it1 it is very unwholesome4
 ,the slices may be cut thicker than    
beef1 and the stuffing should be found  
in the center1 and in the flap which    
surrounds it4  ,a ,,breast ,,of         
,,veal4--,the richest part of this is   
called the brisket4 ,the knife must be  
put about four inches from this1 and cut
 through it1 which will separate the    
ribs from the brisket2 serve whichever  
is liked4  ,,calf',s ,,head is a dish   
much esteemed here2 but1 as generally   
eaten1 plainly boiled1 it is tasteless1 
insipid1 and very objectionable--while  
cooked a la tortue1 as in ,france1      
nothing can be better4 ,it should always
 be boned and rolled2 but if served     
whole1 it is to be cut down the center1 
and helped in slices from either side4  
,a portion of the sweetbread1 which     
generally accompanies a boiled calf's   
head1 should be given with each portion4
 ,if the flesh about the socket of the  
eye be preferred1 the eye itself being  

always taken out1 the knife should be   
inserted into the orifice1 and the meat 
scooped out4 ,the palate--generally     
esteemed a delicacy--is situated under  
the head4 ,this should be cut into small
 portions1 so that every one may have a 
share4  ,,shoulder ,,of ,,mutton4--,the 
joint being placed with the knuckle     
toward the right hand1 observe that     
there is an angular piece of fat next   
you4 ,having helped your company from   
this part1 you may1 perhaps1 imagine    
that your shoulder of mutton is         
exhausted1 and will not yield a further 
dividend4 ,however1 you may get from    
both sides of a large shoulder enough to
 help ten people1 provided your slices  
are not too thick1 which they should not
 be4 ,the fat is to be cut from the     
aforesaid angular bit in slices1        
longways4 ,after the right and left     
sides are exhausted1 and the carver     
stopped by the knuckle on one side and  
the blade-bone on the other1 the end of 
the shoulder is to be turned1 and cut   

straight down from the center bone to   
the end1 comprising the three best      
slices of the joint4 ,if more is        
required1 the shoulder may be reversed  
on the dish1 and four good slices will  
be found on the under side4  ,,saddle   
,,of ,,mutton4--,this best joint of the 
sheep is carved in several ways2 the    
usual way is to cut from the tail to the
 end close to the chine-bone1 taking the
 slices horizontally4 ,another plan is  
to cut close to the back-bone1 taking   
slices sideways1 so as to help each     
person with a piece like a mutton chop1 
without the bone and very thin4 ,another
 way is to commence1 not quite close to 
the back-bone1 and so cut slices1       
rounding them a little that they will   
curl on the plate1 cutting in such a way
 that the knife slants toward the flaps 
or fat1 and so that the top of each     
slice is fat and the bottom lean2 and   
for a small party1 this is by far the   
most elegant and the best way to carve  
this excellent joint4  ,,ham4--,there   

perhaps is no joint about which there   
has been so much contention as the      
carving of this excellent dish4 ,for    
family use1 do not have the skin        
removed1 but let it be sent to table as 
it is dressed4 ,cut from the thick end1 
where there is most fat2 as a ham served
 hot is always eaten with veal or       
poultry1 you can thus eat the fat4      
,continue cutting your ham in this way1 
and you will be able to eat it all2     
whereas1 in any other way1 all the lean 
will be eaten1 and a large quantity of  
fat1 which will become rancid1 will be  
lost4  ,,carving ,,ham ,,for ,a         
,,party4--,the best informed say1 carve 
it like a leg of mutton1 that is1       
beginning in the center1 cut right and  
left in thin slices2 we say1 commence at
 the knuckle1 and cut a thick slice off1
 and then cut thin slices as they do in 
the cook-shops--for1 rely on it1 by this
 time they have found out the most      
economical way of carving a ham4  ,a    
,,sucking ,,pig must be divided down the

 middle1 and decapitated4 ,this ought to
 be done by the cook1 and the two sides 
placed flat on the dish4 ,supposing1    
therefore1 this to have been previously 
done1 the carver is to take off the     
shoulders and the legs1 and help the    
ribs in such pieces as he thinks        
convenient4 ,the ribs are considered    
best1 and you should give plenty of the 
sauce or gravy with each plate4         
,,hare4--,there are two ways of carving 
this difficult dish4 ,the first is to   
cut close to the back-bone from the     
shoulder to the rump on either side1    
previously dividing the legs2 take off  
the shoulders2 cutting the back-bone in 
three or four pieces1 and getting two   
slices on either side of the hare4 ,the 
ear is considered the best part4        
,another way of carving a hare is by    
taking off the legs and shoulders1 and  
cutting it round through the back-bone1 
dividing into seven or eight pieces4 ,it
 is better to bone a hare4  ,a ,,rabbit 
is carved very differently4 ,the legs   

and shoulders are to be taken off1 and  
the back divided into three or four     
pieces4  ,,fowls when boiled have their 
legs bent inwards1 and tucked into the  
belly4 ,a fowl must never be removed    
from the dish and placed upon the       
carver's plate2 nothing can be more     
vulgar4 ,the wing is to be removed with 
a good slice of the breast1 the only    
difficulty being to hit the joint4 ,to  
effect this1 the knife is to be passed  
between the leg and the body1 and the   
leg turned back with the fork4 ,to take 
off the merrythought the carver must    
commence just above where the breast    
turns1 and cut down slanting2 then begin
 at the rump end1 and cut the breast at 
either side1 keeping the fork in that   
part of the breast nearest the rump1 and
 turning it toward the carver2 the      
side-bones may easily be removed1 the   
back broken in half1 and the two sides  
are then easily taken off4 ,all this can
 only be learned by practice2 and       
although we have endeavored to describe 

it1 we feel that it requires practice to
 carry out the directions4  ,a          
,,pheasant is carved precisely as a     
fowl4 ,it is only necessary to say that 
ladies like the wings and breast4       
,,wild ,,duck4--,this bird is only      
helped from the breast1 which is to be  
first scored in such a way as afterward 
to form the slice4 ,lemon juice1        
cayenne1 salt1 and port wine made hot1  
should be ready to pour over it2 then   
the previously scored slices are to be  
cut and helped4 ,the breast is the only 
eatable part1 except when hashed4       
,,partridge4--,this bird is carved      
precisely as a fowl4 ,the legs and the  
back are the best parts2 give them to   
the ladies1 and let the rest of the     
company have the wings and breast4      
,,pigeons are usually cut straight down 
the middle1 and a half sent to each     
person4  ,,turkeys are carved like      
geese4 ,never make a wing cut from the  
wing or pinion upward1 and not from the 
breast downward4 ,give your knife a     

slight angle in cutting1 and your slice 
will be larger and better4              
,,goose4--,to give a description of     
carving a goose is to say1 simply1 begin
 from the wing and cut the slices from  
the breast up to the breast bone1 and   
serve each person with a slice1 with    
some stuffing and gravy4 ,to cut a wing 
or leg is vulgar in the extreme2 for a  
large party1 then1 a second goose is    
necessary2 but lest our readers should  
say1 ,that is an easy way to avoid      
telling us how we ought to dismember    
this bird1 we will continue4 ,if you    
wish to do a vulgar thing1 and dismember
 a goose1 put your fork into the small  
end of the pinion1 and press it close to
 the body1 then put in the knife and    
divide the joint down2 to separate the  
leg1 first put the fork into the small  
end of the bone1 pressing it to the     
body1 then pass your knife between the  
leg and the body1 turn the leg back with
 your fork1 and it will come off4 ,it is
 impossible that anything but experience

 will teach a person how to do this     
expertly2 but as we said before1 it     
never should be done when served hot4   
,it has been said frequently1 that a    
goose is too much for one1 and not      
enough for two4 ,this means that the    
breast1 which is the only eatable part  
of a roasted goose1 is1 supposing the   
person to eat nothing else1 too much for
 one and not enough for two people's    
dinners2 another reason for never       
cutting off or eating the legs hot1 is  
that they make a most excellent devil   
for breakfast the next day--therefore1  
why destroy a dish fit for a king8      
,,woodcocks ,,and ,,snipes4--,these are 
both carved alike--the necessary        
directions being3 remove the sand-bag1  
which contains the gall3 this generally 
protrudes2 lift up the breast near the  
rump2 spread the tail on your toast2 cut
 the wing1 leg1 and part of the back1   
the wing being cut full1 that is1 with  
plenty of the breast attached thereto1  
and you have one portion with a third of

 the toast2 serve the other side alike1 
with another third of the toast1 and the
 breast and the rest of the back give to
 the person you esteem the least2 in    
fact1 the legs1 wings1 and back1 as     
before described1 are the best1 and     
should be served together4 ,snipes      
should be cut in half1 unless you have  
enough to give a bird to each person4   
,,etiquette ,,of ,,the ,,ball ,,and     
,,assembly ,,room4   ,dancing has been  
defined as a graceful movement of the   
body1 adjusted by art to the measures or
 tunes of instruments1 or of voice2 and 
again1 agreeable to the true genius of  
the art1 dancing is the art of          
expressing the sentiments of the mind1  
or the passions1 by measured steps or   
bounds made in cadence1 by regulated    
motions of the figure and by graceful   
gestures2 all performed to the sound of 
musical instruments or the voice4  ,lord
 ,chesterfield1 in his letters to his   
son1 says3 ,dancing is1 in itself1 a    
very trifling and silly thing3 but it is

 one of those established follies to    
which people of sense are sometimes     
obliged to conform2 and then they should
 be able to do it well4 ,and though ,i  
would not have you a dancer1 yet1 when  
you do dance1 ,i would have you dance   
well1 as ,i would have you do everything
 you do well4 ,in another letter1 he    
writes3 ,do you mind your dancing while 
your dancing master is with you8 ,as you
 will be often under the necessity of   
dancing a minuet1 ,i would have you     
dance it very well4 ,remember that the  
graceful motion of the arms1 the giving 
of your hand1 and the putting off and   
putting on of your hat genteelly1 are   
the material parts of a gentleman's     
dancing4 ,but the greatest advantage of 
dancing well is1 that it necessarily    
teaches you to present yourself1 to sit1
 stand1 and walk genteelly2 all of which
 are of real importance to a man of     
fashion4  ,when a gentleman accompanies 
a lady to a ball he will at once proceed
 with her to the door of the ladies'    

dressing-room1 there leaving her2 and   
then repair to the gentlemen's          
dressing-room4 ,in the mean time1 the   
lady1 after adjusting her toilet1 will  
retire to the ladies' sitting-room or   
wait at the door of the dressing-room1  
according as the apartments may be      
arranged4 ,after the gentleman has      
divested himself of hat1 etc41 and      
placed the same in the care of the man  
having charge of the hat-room1 receiving
 therefor a check1 and after arranging  
his toilet1 he will proceed to the      
ladies' sitting-room1 or wait at the    
entrance to the ladies' dressing-room   
for the lady whom he accompanies1 and   
with her enter the ball-room4  ,the     
ladies' dressing-room is a sacred       
precinct1 into which no gentleman should
 ever presume to look2 to enter it would
 be an outrage not to be overlooked or  
forgiven4  ,with the etiquette of a     
ball-room1 so far as it goes1 there are 
but few people unacquainted4 ,certain   
persons are appointed to act as floor   

managers1 or there will be a ,master of 
the ,ceremonies1 whose office it is to  
see that everything be conducted in a   
proper manner3 if you are entirely a    
stranger1 it is to them you must apply  
for a partner1 and point out 7quietly7  
any young lady with whom you should like
 to dance1 when1 if there be no obvious 
inequality of position1 they will       
present you for that purpose2 should    
there be an objection1 they will        
probably select some one they consider  
more suitable2 but do not1 on any       
account1 go to a strange lady by        
yourself1 and request her to dance1 as  
she will unhesitatingly decline the     
honor1 and think you an impertinent     
fellow for your presumption4  ,a        
gentleman introduced to a lady by a     
floor manager1 or the ,master of        
,ceremonies1 should not be refused by   
the lady if she be not already engaged1 
for her refusal would be a breach of    
good manners3 as the ,master of         
,ceremonies is supposed to be careful to

 introduce only gentlemen who are       
unexceptionable4 ,but a gentleman who is
 unqualified as a dancer should never   
seek an introduction4  ,at a private    
party1 a gentleman may offer to dance   
with a lady without an introduction1 but
 at balls the rule is different4 ,the   
gentleman should respectfully offer his 
arm to the lady who consents to dance   
with him1 and lead her to her place4 ,at
 the conclusion of the set he will      
conduct her to a seat1 offer her any    
attention1 or converse with her4 ,a     
gentleman should not dance with his     
wife1 and not too often with the lady to
 whom he is engaged4  ,any presentation 
to a lady in a public ball-room1 for the
 mere purpose of dancing1 does not      
entitle you to claim her acquaintance   
afterwards2 therefore1 should you meet  
her1 at most you may lift your hat2 but 
even that is better avoided--unless1    
indeed1 she first bow--as neither she   
nor her friends can know who or what you
 are4  ,in inviting a lady to dance with

 you1 the words1 ,will you honor me with
 your hand for a quadrille8 or1 ,shall  
,i have the honor of dancing this set   
with you8 are more used now than ,shall 
,i have the pleasure8 or1 ,will you give
 me the pleasure of dancing with you8   
,if she answers that she is engaged1    
merely request her to name the earliest 
dance for which she is not engaged1 and 
when she will do you the honor of       
dancing with you4  ,when a young lady   
declines dancing with a gentleman1 it is
 her duty to give him a reason why1     
although some thoughtless ones do not4  
,no matter how frivolous it may be1 it  
is simply an act of courtesy to offer   
him an excuse2 while1 on the other hand1
 no gentleman ought so far to compromise
 his self-respect as to take the        
slightest offence at seeing a lady by   
whom he has just been refused1 dance    
immediately after with some one else4   
,never wait until the signal is given to
 take a partner1 for nothing is more    
impolite than to invite a lady hastily1 

and when the dancers are already in     
their places2 it can be allowed only    
when the set is incomplete4  ,be very   
careful not to forget an engagement4 ,it
 is an unpardonable breach of politeness
 to ask a lady to dance with you1 and   
neglect to remind her of her promise    
when the time to redeem it comes4  ,if a
 friend be engaged when you request her 
to dance1 and she promises to be your   
partner for the next or any of the      
following dances1 do not neglect her    
when the time comes1 but be in readiness
 to fulfill your office as her cavalier1
 or she may think that you have         
studiously slighted her1 besides        
preventing her obliging some one else4  
,even inattention and forgetfulness1 by 
showing how little you care for a lady1 
form in themselves a tacit insult4  ,in 
a quadrille1 or other dance1 while      
awaiting the music1 or while unengaged1 
a lady and gentleman should avoid long  
conversations1 as they are apt to       
interfere with the progress of the      

dance2 while1 on the other hand1 a      
gentleman should not stand like an      
automaton1 as though he were afraid of  
his partner1 but endeavor to render     
himself agreeable by those airy nothings
 which amuse for the moment1 and are in 
harmony with the occasion4  ,the        
customary honors of a bow and courtesy  
should be given at the commencement and 
conclusion of each dance4  ,lead the    
lady through the quadrille2 do not drag 
her1 nor clasp her hand as if it were   
made of wood1 lest she1 not unjustly1   
think you a bear4  ,you will not1 if you
 are wise1 stand up in a quadrille      
without knowing something of the figure2
 and if you are master of a few of the  
steps1 so much the better4 ,but dance   
quietly2 do not kick and caper about1   
nor sway your body to and fro2 dance    
only from the hips downwards2 and lead  
the lady as lightly as you would tread a
 measure with a spirit of gossamer4  ,do
 not pride yourself on doing the steps  
neatly1 unless you are ambitious of     

being taken for a dancing-master2       
between whose motions and those of a    
gentleman there is a great difference4  
,unless a man has a very graceful       
figure1 and can use it with great       
elegance1 it is better for him to walk  
through the quadrilles1 or invent some  
gliding movement for the occasion4      
,when a lady is standing in a quadrille1
 though not engaged in dancing1 a       
gentleman not acquainted with her       
partner should not converse with her4   
,when an unpracticed dancer makes a     
mistake1 we may apprise him of his      
error2 but it would be very impolite to 
have the air of giving him a lesson4    
,immediate attention should be paid to  
any request made by the ,master of      
,ceremonies1 and all misunderstandings  
respecting the dance should be referred 
to him1 his decision being deemed final4
 ,otherwise his superintendence of the  
ball will be attended with great        
inconvenience4  ,when forming for       
quadrilles1 if by any oversight you     

should accidentally occupy another      
couple's place1 on being informed of the
 intrusion1 you should immediately      
apologize to the incommoded party1 and  
secure another position4  ,contending   
for a position in quadrilles1 at either 
head or sides1 indicates an irritable   
and quarrelsome disposition altogether  
unsuited for an occasion where all      
should meet with kindly feelings4  ,when
 a company is divided into different    
sets1 persons should not attempt to     
change their places without permission  
from the ,master of ,ceremonies4  ,no   
persons engaged in a quadrille or other 
dance that requires their assistance to 
complete the set1 should leave the room 
or sit down before the dance is         
finished1 unless on a very urgent       
occasion1 and not even then without     
previously informing the ,master of     
,ceremonies1 that he may find           
substitutes4  ,if a lady waltz with you1
 beware not to press her waist2 you must
 only lightly touch it with the palm of 

your hand1 lest you leave a disagreeable
 impression not only on her ceinture1   
but on her mind4  ,above all1 do not be 
prone to quarrel in a ball-room2 it     
disturbs the harmony of the company1 and
 should be avoided if possible4         
,recollect that a thousand little       
derelictions from strict propriety may  
occur through the ignorance or stupidity
 of the aggressor1 and not from any     
intention to annoy2 remember1 also1 that
 the really well-bred women will not    
thank you for making them conspicuous by
 over-officiousness in their defence1   
unless1 indeed1 there be some serious or
 glaring violation of decorum4 ,in small
 matters1 ladies are both able and      
willing to take care of themselves1 and 
would prefer being allowed to overwhelm 
the unlucky offender in their own way4  
,when a gentleman has occasion to pass  
through an assemblage of ladies1 where  
it is absolutely impossible to make his 
way without disturbing them2 or when he 
is obliged to go in front1 because he   

cannot get behind them1 it is but common
 courtesy for him to express his regret 
at being compelled to annoy them4  ,a   
gentleman having two ladies in charge   
may1 in the absence of friends1 address 
a stranger1 and offer him a partner1    
asking his name previous to an          
introduction1 and mentioning that of the
 lady to him or not1 as he may think    
proper4  ,it is improper to engage or   
reengage a lady to dance without the    
permission of her partner4  ,never      
forget that ladies are to be first cared
 for1 to have the best seats1 the places
 of distinction1 and are entitled in all
 cases to your courteous protection4    
,young ladies should avoid sauntering   
through an assembly-room alone2 they    
should either be accompanied by their   
guardian or a gentleman4  ,neither      
married nor young ladies should leave a 
ball-room assemblage1 or other party1   
unattended4 ,the former should be       
accompanied by other married ladies1 and
 the latter by their mother or guardian4

 ,of course1 a gentleman is a sufficient
 companion for either4  ,young ladies   
should avoid attempting to take part in 
a dance1 particularly a quadrille1      
unless they are familiar with the       
figures4 ,besides rendering themselves  
awkward and confused1 they are apt to   
create ill-feeling1 by interfering with1
 and annoying others4 ,it were better   
for them to forego the gratification of 
dancing than to risk the chances of     
making themselves conspicuous1 and the  
subject of animadversion4 ,as we have   
elsewhere said1 modesty of deportment   
should be the shining and preeminent    
characteristic of woman4 ,she should be 
modest in her attire1 in language1 in   
manners and general demeanor4 ,beauty   
becomes irresistible when allied to this
 lodestone of attraction2 plainness of  
features is overlooked by it2 even      
positive homeliness is rendered         
agreeable by its influence4  ,when a    
gentleman escorts a lady to a ball1 he  
should dance with her first1 or offer so

 to do2 and it should be his care to see
 that she is provided with a partner    
whenever she desires to dance4  ,after  
dancing1 a gentleman should invariably  
conduct a lady to a seat1 unless she    
otherwise desires2 and1 in fact1 a lady 
should not be unattended1 at any time1  
in a public assembly4  ,when you conduct
 your partner to her seat1 thank her for
 the pleasure she has conferred upon    
you1 and do not remain too long         
conversing with her4  ,when that long   
and anxiously desiderated hour1 the hour
 of supper1 has arrived1 you hand the   
lady you attend up or down to the       
supper-table4 ,you remain with her while
 she is at the table1 seeing that she   
has all that she desires1 and then      
conduct her back to the dancing-rooms4  
,if1 while walking up and down a public 
promenade1 you should meet friends or   
acquaintances whom you don't intend to  
join1 it is only necessary to salute    
them the first time of passing2 to bow  
or nod to them at every round would be  

tiresome1 and therefore improper2 have  
no fear that they will deem you odd or  
unfriendly1 as1 if they have any sense  
at all1 they can appreciate your        
reasons4 ,if you have anything to say to
 them1 join them at once4  ,we have     
already alluded to the necessity of     
discarding all cant terms and phrases   
from conversation1 not only in          
assembly-rooms1 but on all occasions2   
and we would particularly caution our   
young lady friends against even the     
recognition of those equivoques and     
double entendre which the other sex     
sometimes inconsiderately1 but oftener  
determinedly1 introduce4  ,neither by   
smiles nor blushes should they betray   
any knowledge of the hidden meaning that
 lurks within a phrase of doubtful      
import1 nor seem to recognize anything  
which they could not with propriety     
openly make a subject of discourse4 ,all
 indelicate expressions should be to    
them as the ,sanscrit language is to    
most people1 incomprehensible4 ,all     

wanton glances and grimaces1 which are  
by libertines considered as but so many 
invitations to lewdness1 should be      
strictly shunned4  ,no lady can be too  
fastidious in her conduct1 or too       
guarded in her actions4 ,a bad          
reputation is almost as destructive of  
happiness to her as absolute guilt2 and 
of her character we may say with the    
poet3        ,a breath can make them1 or
 a breath unmake4  ,in dancing1         
generally1 the performers of both sexes 
should endeavor to wear a pleasant      
countenance2 and in presenting hands1 a 
slight inclination of the head1 in the  
manner of a salutation1 is appropriate  
and becoming4 ,dancing is certainly     
supposed to be an enjoyment1 but the    
sombre countenance of some who engage in
 it1 might almost lead to the belief    
that it were a solemn duty being        
performed4 ,if those who laugh in church
 would transfer their merriment to the  
assembly-room1 and those who are sad in 
the assembly-room would carry their     

gravity to the church1 they both might  
discover the appositeness of ,solomon's 
declaration1 that there is a time to be 
merry and a time to be sad4  ,we have   
already alluded to the importance of a  
correct use of language in conversation1
 and though we are aware that it is     
absolutely impossible to practice it    
without a certain degree of education1  
yet we would urge that the habit which  
many acquire1 more through carelessness 
than ignorance1 of disregarding it1 is  
worthy of consideration4 ,many a young  
lady has lost a future husband by a     
wanton contempt for the rules of        
,lindley ,murray4  ,though hardly a case
 in point1 we cannot forego the         
opportunity of recording an incident in 
the career of a young man about town1   
who1 anxious to see life in all its     
phases1 was induced to attend a public  
ball1 the patrons of which were         
characterized more for their peculiarity
 of manners than their extraordinary    
refinement4 ,on being solicited by an   

acquaintance1 whom he respected for his 
kindness of heart and integrity rather  
than for his mental accomplishments1 to 
dance with his daughter1 he consented1  
and was accordingly introduced to a very
 beautiful young lady4 ,ere the dance   
commenced1 and while the musicians were 
performing the ,anvil ,chorus1 from     
,trovatore1 the young lady asked3 ,do   
you know what that 'ere is8  ,supposing 
that she meant air1 and wishing to give 
her an opportunity of making herself    
happy in the thought of imparting a     
valuable piece of information1 in utter 
disregard of the principles of ,mrs4    
,opie1 he replied1 ,no4 ,why1 said she1 
that's the ,anvel ,core-ri-ous4  ,with  
an expletive more profane than polite1  
he suddenly found his admiration for the
 lady as much diminished by her         
ignorance1 as it had before been exalted
 by her beauty4  ,at private assemblies1
 it should be the effort of both ladies 
and gentlemen to render themselves as   
agreeable as possible to all parties4   

,with this purpose in view1 the latter  
should1 therefore1 avoid showing marked 
preferences to particular ladies1 either
 by devoting their undivided attentions 
or dancing exclusively with them4 ,too  
often1 the belle of the evening1 with no
 other charms than beauty of form and   
feature1 monopolizes the regards of a   
circle of admirers1 while modest merit1 
of less personal attraction1 is both    
overlooked and neglected4 ,we honor the 
generous conduct of those1 particularly 
the well-favored1 who bestow their      
attentions on ladies who1 from conscious
 lack of beauty1 least expect them4  ,on
 the other hand1 no lady1 however       
numerous the solicitations of her       
admirers1 should consent to dance       
repeatedly1 when1 by so doing1 she      
excludes other ladies from participating
 in the same amusement2 still less1 as  
we have elsewhere hinted1 should she    
dance exclusively with the same         
gentleman1 to the disadvantage of       
others4  ,both ladies and gentlemen     

should be careful about introducing     
persons to each other without being     
first satisfied that such a course will 
be mutually agreeable4  ,the custom1 in 
this country1 particularly among        
gentlemen1 of indiscriminate            
introductions1 is carried to such a     
ridiculous extent1 that it has often    
been made the subject of comment by     
foreigners1 who can discover no possible
 advantage in being made acquainted with
 others with whom they are not likely to
 associate for three minutes1 in whom   
they take not the slightest interest1   
and whom they probably will never again 
encounter1 nor recognize if they should4
 ,besides1 every one has a right to     
exercise his own judgment and taste in  
the selection of acquaintances1 and it  
is clearly a breach of politeness to    
thrust them upon your friend or         
associate1 without knowing whether it   
will be agreeable to either party4      
,,evening ,,parties4   ,the etiquette of
 the ball-room being disposed of1 let us

 now enter slightly into that of an     
evening party4  ,the invitations issued 
and accepted for an evening party will  
be written in the same style as those   
already described for a dinner-party4   
,they should be sent out at least three 
weeks before the day fixed for the      
event1 and should be replied to within a
 week of their receipt1 accepting or    
declining with regrets4 ,by attending to
 these courtesies1 the guests will have 
time to consider their engagements and  
prepare their dresses1 and the hostess  
will also know what will be the number  
of her party4  ,a lady1 invited to an   
evening party1 may request a gentleman  
to accompany her1 even though he may not
 have received an invitation from the   
hostess4  ,in most of the ,american     
cities nine o'clock is the hour which   
custom has established as the time for  
the lady to be in her parlor1 ready to  
receive her guests1 and by ten o'clock  
all the guests should arrive4 ,it is an 
affectation1 not entirely devoid of     

assumption and impudence1 for people to 
purposely delay their appearance till a 
very late hour4  ,as the ladies and     
gentlemen arrive1 each should be shown  
to a room exclusively provided for their
 reception2 and the gentleman conducts  
the lady in his charge to the door of   
the ladies' dressing-room1 while he goes
 to the gentlemen's apartment1 each to  
prepare their toilet suitably to        
entering the reception-room4  ,in the   
room set apart for the ladies1          
attendants should be in waiting to      
assist in uncloaking1 and helping to    
arrange the hair and toilet of those who
 require it4  ,after completing her     
toilet1 the lady waits at the door of   
her dressing-room till the gentleman    
joins her1 and they make their entree   
together4  ,in large and formal parties1
 it is generally customary for the      
servant to announce the names of the    
guests as they enter the room1 but this 
is a ceremony well enough dispensed     
with1 except on occasions of very large 

and formal parties4  ,it is the business
 of the lady of the house to be near the
 door to receive her guests2 if she is  
not there1 you need not go hunting      
through the crowd after her4  ,as the   
guests enter the room1 it is not        
necessary for the lady of the house to  
advance each time toward the door1 but  
merely to rise from her seat to receive 
their courtesies and congratulations4   
,if1 indeed1 the hostess wishes to show 
particular favor to some peculiarly     
honored guests1 she may introduce them  
to others1 whose acquaintance she may   
imagine will be especially suitable and 
agreeable4  ,it is very often the       
practice of the gentleman of the house  
to introduce one gentleman to another1  
but occasionally the lady performs this 
office2 when it will1 of course1 be     
polite for the persons thus introduced  
to take their seats together for the    
time being4  ,when entering a private   
ball or party1 the visitor should       
invariably bow to the company4 ,no      

well-bred person would omit this        
courtesy in entering a drawing-room2 and
 although the entrance to a large       
assembly may be unnoticed by all        
present1 its observance is not the less 
necessary4 ,it is the thoughtless       
absence of good manners in large and    
mixed companies1 where a greater degree 
of studied politeness is indispensable1 
that renders them sometimes so          
unpleasant4  ,a separate room or        
convenient buffet should be appropriated
 for refreshments1 and to which the     
dancers may retire2 and cakes and       
biscuits1 with lemonade1 handed round4  
,of course a supper is provided at all  
private parties2 and this requires1 on  
the part of the hostess1 a great deal of
 attention and supervision4 ,it usually 
takes place between the first and second
 parts of the programme of the dances1  
of which there should be several        
prettily written or printed copies      
distributed about the room4  ,it will be
 well for the hostess1 even if she be   

very partial to the amusement1 and a    
graceful dancer1 not to participate in  
it to any great extent1 lest her lady   
guests should have occasion to complain 
of her monopoly of the gentlemen1 and   
other causes of neglect4  ,a few dances 
will suffice to show her interest in the
 entertainment1 without unduly trenching
 on the attention due to her guests4    
,the hostess or host1 during the        
progress of a party1 will courteously   
accost and chat with their friends1 and 
take care that the ladies are furnished 
with seats1 and that those who wish to  
dance are provided with partners4 ,a    
gentle hint from the hostess1 conveyed  
in a quiet ladylike manner1 that certain
 ladies have remained unengaged during  
several dances1 is sure not to be       
neglected by any gentleman4 ,thus will  
be studied the comfort and enjoyment of 
the guests1 and no lady1 in leaving the 
house1 will be able to feel the chagrin 
and disappointment of not having been   
invited to stand up in a dance during   

the whole evening4  ,for any of the     
members1 either sons or daughters1 of   
the family at whose house the party is  
given1 to dance frequently or           
constantly1 denotes decided             
ill-breeding4 ,the ladies of the house  
should not occupy those places in a     
quadrille which others may wish to fill1
 and they should1 moreover1 be at       
leisure to attend to the rest of the    
company2 and the gentlemen should be    
entertaining the married ladies and     
those who do not dance4  ,in private    
parties1 a lady is not to refuse the    
invitation of a gentleman to dance1     
unless she be previously engaged4 ,the  
hostess must be supposed to have asked  
to her house only those persons whom she
 knows to be perfectly respectable and  
of unblemished character1 as well as    
pretty equal in position2 and thus1 to  
decline the offer of any gentleman      
present1 would be a tacit reflection on 
the gentleman or lady of the house4  ,if
 one lady refuses you1 do not ask       

another who is seated near her to dance 
the same set4 ,do not go immediately to 
another lady1 but chat a few moments    
with the one whom you first invited1 and
 then join a group or gentlemen friends 
for a few moments1 before seeking       
another partner4  ,in private parties1  
where dancing is the chief part of the  
evening's entertainment1 it is not in   
conformity with the rules of etiquette  
for a young lady to dance with one      
gentleman repeatedly1 to the exclusion  
of all others who may solicit her hand1 
even though the favored individual be   
her suitor4 ,however complimentary to   
the lady1 to be the recipient of a      
gentleman's undivided attentions1 or    
however gratifying it may be for him to 
manifest his devotion to the lady of his
 choice1 such a course is an exhibition 
of selfishness which ought not to be    
displayed in an assemblage of ladies and
 gentlemen who have congregated for     
mutual enjoyment4  ,it is not considered
 comme il faut to ask a married lady to 

dance1 when her husband is present1     
without previously ascertaining whether 
it be agreeable to him4  ,gentlemen will
 not get together in groups to the      
neglect of the ladies4  ,the members of 
an invited family should never be seen  
conversing with each other at a party4  
,if you accompany your wife to a dancing
 party1 be careful not to dance with    
her1 except perhaps the first set4      
,where there are no programmes1         
engagements should not be made until the
 dance is announced4  ,when the dance is
 over1 the gentleman conducts his       
partner to her seat2 and1 unless he     
chooses to sit beside her1 bows and     
withdraws4  ,while dancing1 a lady      
should consider herself engaged to her  
partner1 and therefore not at liberty to
 hold a flirtation1 between the figures1
 with another gentleman2 and should     
recollect that it is the gentleman's    
part to lead her1 and hers to follow his
 directions4  ,in a circle1 we should   
not pass before a lady2 neither should  

we present anything by extending the arm
 over her1 but pass round behind and    
present it4 ,in case we cannot do it1 we
 say1 ,i ask your pardon1 etc4  ,in     
ascending a staircase with ladies1 go at
 their side or before them4  ,a correct 
ear for music does not pertain to every 
one1 and those who are deficient in this
 respect should refrain from dancing4   
,let not the unpracticed dancer attempt 
quadrilles4 ,a novice necessarily       
perplexes and annoys a partner4 ,on the 
other hand1 nowhere perhaps has a kindly
 disposition more pleasing opportunities
 of conferring small benefits than in a 
ball-room4 ,those who are expert in     
dancing may gently apprise the          
unskillful of an error1 and this without
 giving the slightest offense1 or       
seeming to dictate2 while such as dance 
well1 and are solicited to dance1 should
 carefully avoid speaking of it4 ,they  
ought rather to seek to contribute to   
less fortunate persons a full share in  
the evening's amusement4 ,a lady may do 

this by gently hinting to a gentleman   
who solicits her hand for another dance1
 that such a lady has remained          
unengaged4 ,no gentleman will neglect   
such a suggestion4  ,there is a custom  
which is sometimes practiced both in the
 assembly room and at private parties1  
which cannot be too strongly            
reprehended2 we allude to the habit of  
ridicule and ungenerous criticism of    
those who are ungraceful or otherwise   
obnoxious to censure1 which is indulged 
in by the thoughtless1 particularly     
among the dancers4 ,of its gross        
impropriety and vulgarity we need hardly
 express an opinion2 but there is such  
an utter disregard for the feelings of  
others implied in this kind of negative 
censorship1 that we cannot forbear to   
warn our young readers to avoid it4 ,the
 ,koran says3 ,do not mock--the mocked  
may be better than the mocker4 ,those   
you condemn may not have had the same   
advantages as yourself in acquiring     
grace or dignity1 while they may be     

infinitely superior in purity of heart  
and mental accomplishments4 ,the advice 
of ,chesterfield to his son1 in his     
commerce with society1 to do as you     
would be done by1 is founded on the     
,christian precept1 and worthy of       
commendation4 ,imagine yourself the     
victim of another's ridicule1 and you   
will cease to indulge in a pastime which
 only gains for you the hatred of those 
you satirize1 if they chance to observe 
you1 and the contempt of others who have
 noticed your violation of politeness1  
and abuse of true sociality4  ,we       
conclude our strictures on this subject 
with the following passage from the     
essays of ,addison3 ,but what an absurd 
thing it is1 to pass over all the       
valuable characteristics of individuals1
 and fix our attention on their         
infirmities--to observe their           
imperfections more than their           
virtues--and to make use of them for the
 sport of others1 rather than for our   
own improvement4  ,in whatever relation 

with the fair sex1 and under whatsoever 
circumstances1 it is the duty--we may   
add1 the practice--of a gentleman to so 
deport himself as to avoid giving any   
cause of offense4  ,in private parties1 
where people meet for the pleasure of   
conversation1 remember occasionally to  
change your place4 ,opportunities will  
readily occur1 such1 for instance1 as   
the opening of a portfolio of prints1 or
 the showing of any article of taste or 
science4 ,you will thus avoid the       
awkwardness of being either left alone1 
or constraining the master or mistress  
of the house to commiserate your        
isolated condition4  ,if you are asked  
by the lady of the house1 at an evening 
party1 to sing1 and you can really do so
 well1 comply at once2 but never sing at
 the request of another person4 ,if you 
cannot or do not choose to sing1 say so 
at once with seriousness and gravity1   
and put an end to the expectation       
promptly4 ,after singing once or twice1 
cease and give place to others4  ,when  

singing or playing is going on1 if you  
have no taste for music1 you should     
still be profoundly silent4 ,to         
converse1 is annoying to the rest of the
 company1 rude to the mistress of the   
house1 and cruel to the performer4      
,carefully avoid all peculiarities of   
manner2 and every wish to show off1 or  
to absorb conversation to yourself4 ,be 
also very careful not to appear to be   
wiser than the company4 ,if a fact in   
history is mentioned1 even if it be not 
quite correct1 do not set the narrator  
right1 unless in a very delicate and    
submissive manner4 ,if an engraving of  
distant scenery or foreign buildings is 
shown1 do not industriously point out   
inaccuracies4 ,it may be that such      
occur1 but finding fault is never       
acceptable2 it conveys a censure on the 
taste or information of the possessor2  
or it suggests that he has been imposed 
upon--an idea which is always productive
 of mortification4 ,such attempts to    
appear wiser than the rest of the       

company1 interfere with the pleasure of 
the party1 and the person who falls into
 them is never long acceptable4  ,people
 sometimes say1 that they are not       
invited to parties2 they complain of    
neglect1 and are out of humor with the  
world4 ,let such persons consider       
whether they have not brought upon      
themselves the neglect which they       
deplore4  ,should the guests be         
numerous1 and the space scarcely        
sufficient for their accommodation1 it  
would be considered extremely ill-bred  
to take a place previously engaged2 or1 
when joining a country dance1 to push in
 at the middle or upper end4 ,you must  
take your station below the last couple 
who are standing up4  ,if there be a    
supper1 the gentleman should conduct to 
the supper-room his last partner1 unless
 he have a prior engagement1 or is asked
 by the host to do otherwise4 ,in the   
latter case1 he should provide his      
partner with a substitute1 at the same  
time making a handsome apology4  ,no    

gentleman should offer his services to  
conduct a lady home1 without being      
acquainted with her1 unless he have been
 requested so to do by the host4  ,when 
any of the carriages of the guests are  
announced1 or the time for their        
departure arrived1 they should make a   
slight intimation to the hostess1       
without1 however1 exciting any          
observation1 that they are about to     
depart4 ,if this cannot be done without 
creating too much bustle1 it will be    
better for the visitors to retire       
quietly without saying good-night1 for  
when people are seen to be leaving1 it  
often breaks up the party4 ,an          
opportunity1 however1 may previously be 
sought of intimating to the hostess your
 intention to retire1 which is more     
respectful4  ,during the course of the  
week1 the hostess will expect to receive
 from every guest a call1 where it is   
possible1 or cards expressing the       
gratification experienced from her      
entertainment4 ,this attention is due to

 every lady for the pains and trouble   
she has been at1 and tends to promote   
social1 kindly feelings4     ,,visiting4
   ,next in order to the ceremonials of 
dinner or evening parties1 are customary
 calls1 comprised under the general head
 of visiting4 ,they are those of        
ceremony1 friendship1 or condolence1 and
 occupy no small portion of time4  ,such
 visits are necessary1 in order to      
maintain good feeling between the       
members of society2 they are required by
 the custom of the age in which we live1
 and must be carefully attended to4     
,first1 then1 are visits of ceremony1   
merging occasionally into those of      
friendship1 but uniformly required after
 dining at a friend's house4            
,professional men are not however1 in   
general1 expected to pay such visits1   
because their time is preoccupied2 but  
they form almost the only exception4    
,visits of ceremony must be necessarily 
short4 ,they should on no account be    
made before the hour1 nor yet during the

 time of luncheon4 ,persons who intrude 
themselves at unwonted hours are never  
welcome2 the lady of the house does not 
like to be disturbed when she is perhaps
 dining with her children2 and the      
servants justly complain of being       
interrupted at the hour when they       
assemble for their noon-day meal4       
,ascertain1 therefore1 which you can    
readily do1 what is the family hour for 
luncheon1 and act accordingly4  ,half an
 hour amply suffices for a visit of     
ceremony4 ,if the visitor be a lady1 she
 may remove her victorine1 but on no    
account either the shawl or bonnet1 even
 if politely requested to do so by the  
mistress of the house4 ,some trouble is 
necessarily required in replacing them1 
and this ought to be avoided4 ,if1      
however1 your visit of ceremony is to a 
particular friend1 the case is          
different2 but even then1 it is best to 
wait till you are invited to do so2 and 
when you rise for the purpose the lady  
of the house will assist you4  ,favorite

 dogs are never welcome visitors in a   
drawing-room4 ,many people have even a  
dislike to such animals4 ,they require  
watching1 lest they should leap upon a  
chair or sofa1 or place themselves upon 
a lady's dress1 and attentions of this  
kind are much out of place4 ,neither    
ought a mother1 when paying a ceremonial
 visit1 to be accompanied by young      
children4 ,it is frequently difficult to
 amuse them1 and1 if not particularly   
well trained at home1 they naturally    
seize hold of books1 or those ornaments 
with which it is fashionable to decorate
 a drawing-room4 ,the lady of the house 
trembles for the fate of a beautiful    
shell1 or vase1 or costly book4 ,she    
does not like to express her uneasiness1
 and yet knows not how to refrain4      
,therefore leave the children at home2  
or1 if they accompany you in the        
carriage1 let them remain till your     
visit is over4 ,if you have an infant1  
the nurse may await your return1 or be  
left in an ante-room1 unless a decided  

request be made to the contrary4  ,if   
during your short visit the conversation
 begins to flag1 it will be best to     
retire4 ,the lady of the house may have 
some engagement at a fixed hour1 and by 
remaining even a few minutes longer1 she
 may be put to serious inconvenience4   
,do not1 however1 seem to notice any    
silent hint1 by rising hastily2 but take
 leave with quiet politeness1 as if your
 time were fully expired4 ,when other   
visitors are announced1 retire as soon  
as possible1 and yet without letting it 
appear that their arrival is the cause4 
,wait till the bustle of their entrance 
is over1 and then rise from your chair1 
take leave of the hostess1 and bow      
politely to the guests4 ,by so doing you
 will save the lady of the house from   
being obliged to entertain two sets of  
visitors4  ,should you call by chance at
 an inconvenient hour1 when perhaps the 
lady is going out1 or sitting down to   
luncheon1 retire as soon as possible1   
even if politely asked to remain4 ,you  

need not let it appear that you feel    
yourself an intruder2 every well-bred or
 even good-tempered person knows what to
 say on such an occasion2 but politely  
withdraw1 with a promise to call again1 
if the lady seems to be really          
disappointed4  ,if your acquaintance or 
friend is from home1 leave a card1#a    
whether you call in a carriage or not4  
,if in the latter1 the servant will     
answer your inquiry1 and receive your   
card2 but on no account ask leave to go 
in and rest2 neither urge your wish if  
you fancy that the lady whom you desire 
to see is really at home1 or even if you
 flatter yourself that she would make an
 exception in your favor4 ,some people  
think that the form of words1 ,not at   
home1 is readily understood to mean that
 the master or mistress of the house    
have no wish to see even his or her most
 intimate friends4 ,however this may be1
 take care that you do not attempt to   
effect an entrance4    #a ,when the     
caller is about to leave the city for a 

protracted       absence1 it is usual to
 put the letters ,p4 ,p4 ,c4 in the left
       hand corner of the card2 they are
 the initials of the ,french            
phrase1 pour prendre conge--to take     
leave1 and may with       equal         
propriety stand for presents parting    
compliments4  ,visits of courtesy or    
ceremony are uniformly paid at          
,christmas1 or at the commencement of a 
new year1 independently of family       
parties2 a good old custom1 the         
observance of which is always pleasing1 
and which should be carefully attended  
to4 ,it is uniformly right to call on   
patrons1 or those from whom kindness has
 been received4  ,in visiting your      
intimate friends1 ceremony may generally
 be dispensed with4  ,keep a strict     
account of your ceremonial visits4 ,this
 is needful1 because time passes        
rapidly2 and take note how soon your    
calls are returned4 ,you will thus be   
able1 in most cases1 to form an opinion 
whether or not your frequent visits are 

desired4 ,instances may however occur1  
when1 in consequence of age or ill      
health1 it is desirable that you should 
call1 without any reference to your     
visits being returned4 ,when desirous to
 act thus1 remember that1 if possible1  
nothing should interrupt the discharge  
of this duty4  ,among relations and     
intimate friends1 visits of mere        
ceremony are unnecessary4 ,it is1       
however1 needful to call at suitable    
times1 and to avoid staying too long if 
your friend is engaged4 ,the courtesies 
of society1 as already noticed1 must    
ever be maintained1 even in the domestic
 circle1 or among the nearest friends4  
,in leaving cards you must thus         
distribute them3 one for the lady of the
 house and her daughters--the latter are
 sometimes represented by turning up the
 edge of the card--one for the master of
 the house1 and if there be a grown up  
son or a near male relation staying in  
the house1 one for him4 ,but though     
cards are cheap1 you must never leave   

more than three at a time at the same   
house4 ,as married men have1 or are     
supposed to have1 too much to do to make
 ceremonial calls1 it is the custom for 
a wife to take her husband's cards with 
her and to leave one or two of them with
 her own4 ,if1 on your inquiring for the
 lady of the house1 the servant replies1
 ,mrs4 ,so-and-so is not at home1 but   
,miss ,so-and-so is1 you should leave a 
card1 because young ladies do not       
receive calls from gentlemen unless they
 are very intimate with them1 or have   
passed the rubicon of thirty summers4   
,it must be remembered1 too1 that where 
there is a lady of the house1 your call 
is to her1 not to her husband1 except on
 business4  ,morning calls may be       
divided into three heads3 ,those paid at
 the time already specified2 weekly     
visits to intimate friends1 or by young 
persons to those advanced in life2 and  
monthly visits1 which are generally     
ceremonious4  ,with respect to the      
first1 be very careful that you do not  

acquire the character of a day goblin4  
,a day goblin is one of those persons   
who1 having plenty of leisure1 and a    
great desire to hear themselves talk1   
make frequent inroads into their        
friends' houses4 ,though perhaps well   
acquainted with the rules of etiquette1 
they call at the most unseasonable      
hours4 ,if the habits of the family are 
early1 you will find them in the        
drawing-room at eleven o'clock4 ,it may 
be they are agreeable and well-informed 
people2 but who wishes for calls at such
 a strange hour6 ,most families have    
their rules and occupations4 ,in one1   
the lady of the house attends to the    
education of her children2 in another1  
domestic affairs engross a portion of   
the morning2 some ladies are fond of    
gardening1 others of music or painting4 
,it is past endurance to have such      
pursuits broken in upon for the sake of 
a day goblin1 who1 having gained access1
 inflicts his or her presence till      
nearly luncheon time1 and then goes off 

with saying1 ,well1 ,i have paid you a  
long visit2 or ,i hope that ,i have not 
stayed too long4  ,a well-bred person   
always receives visitors at whatever    
time they may call1 or whoever they may 
be2 but if you are occupied and cannot  
afford to be interrupted by a mere      
ceremony1 you should instruct the       
servant beforehand to say that you are  
not at home4 ,this form has often been  
denounced as a falsehood1 but a lie is  
no lie unless intended to deceive2 and  
since the words are universally         
understood to mean that you are engaged1
 it can be no harm to give such an order
 to a servant4 ,but1 on the other hand1 
if the servant once admits a visitor    
within the hall1 you should receive him 
at any inconvenience to yourself4 ,a    
lady should never keep a visitor waiting
 more than a minute1 or two at the most1
 and if she cannot avoid doing so1 must 
apologize on entering the drawing-room4 
,in good society1 a visitor1 unless he  
is a complete stranger1 does not wait to

 be invited to sit down1 but takes a    
seat at once easily4 ,a gentleman should
 never take the principal place in the  
room1 nor1 on the other hand1 sit at an 
inconvenient distance from the lady of  
the house4 ,he must hold his hat        
gracefully1 not put it on a chair or    
table1 or1 if he wants to use both      
hands1 must place it on the floor close 
to his chair4 ,a well-bred lady1 who is 
receiving two or three visitors at a    
time1 pays equal attention to all1 and  
attempts1 as much as possible1 to       
generalize the conversation1 turning to 
all in succession4 ,the last arrival1   
however1 receives a little more         
attention at first than the others1 and 
the latter1 to spare her embarrasment1  
should leave as soon as convenient4     
,people who out-sit two or three parties
 of visitors1 unless they have some     
particular motive for doing so1 come    
under the denomination of bores4 ,a bore
 is a person who does not know when you 
have had enough of his or her company4  

,be cautious how you take an intimate   
friend uninvited even to the house of   
those with whom you may be equally      
intimate1 as there is always a feeling  
of jealousy that another should share   
your thoughts and feelings to the same  
extent as themselves1 although good     
breeding will induce them to behave     
civilly to your friend on your account4 
,ladies in the present day are allowed  
considerable license in paying and      
receiving visits2 subject1 however1 to  
certain rules1 which it is needful to   
define4  ,young married ladies may visit
 their acquaintances alone2 but they may
 not appear in any public places        
unattended by their husbands or elder   
ladies4 ,this rule must never be        
infringed1 whether as regards           
exhibitions1 or public libraries1       
museums1 or promenades2 but a young     
married lady is at liberty to walk with 
her friends of the same age1 whether    
married or single4 ,gentlemen are       
permitted to call on married ladies at  

their own houses4 ,such calls the usages
 of society permit1 but never without   
the knowledge and full permission of    
husbands4  ,ladies may walk unattended  
in the streets1 being careful to pass on
 as becomes their station--neither with 
a hurried pace1 nor yet affecting to    
move slowly4 ,shop-windows1 in ,new     
,york especially1 afford great          
attractions2 but it is by no means      
desirable to be seen standing before    
them1 and most assuredly not alone4 ,be 
careful never to look back1 nor to      
observe too narrowly the dresses of such
 ladies as may pass you4 ,should any one
 venture to address you1 take no heed1  
seem not to hear1 but hasten your steps4
 ,be careful to reach home in good time4
 ,let nothing ever induce you to be out 
after dusk1 or when the lamps are       
lighted4 ,nothing but unavoidable       
necessity can sanction such acts of     
impropriety4  ,lastly1 a lady never     
calls on a gentleman1 unless            
professionally or officially4 ,it is not

 only ill-bred1 but positively improper 
to do so4 ,at the same time1 there is a 
certain privilege in age1 which makes it
 possible for an old bachelor like      
myself to receive a visit from any      
married lady whom ,i know very          
intimately1 but such a call would       
certainly not be one of ceremony1 and   
always presupposes a desire to consult  
me on some point or other4 ,i should be 
guilty of shameful treachery1 however1  
if ,i told any one that ,i had received 
such a visit1 while ,i should certainly 
expect that my fair caller would let her
 husband know of it4  ,when morning     
visitors are announced1 rise and advance
 toward them4 ,if a lady enters1 request
 her to be seated on a sofa2 but if     
advanced in life1 or the visitor be an  
elderly gentleman1 insist on their      
accepting an easy chair1 and place      
yourself1 by them4 ,if several ladies   
arrive at the same time1 pay due respect
 to age and rank1 and seat them in the  
most honorable places2 these1 in winter1

 are beside the fire4  ,supposing that a
 young lady occupies such a seat1 and a 
lady older than herself1 or superior in 
condition1 enters the room1 she must    
rise immediately1 and having courteously
 offered her place to the new comer1    
take another in a different part of the 
room4  ,if a lady is engaged with her   
needle when a visitor arrives1 she ought
 to discontinue her work1 unless        
requested to do otherwise3 and not even 
then must it be resumed1 unless on very 
intimate terms with her acquaintance4   
,when this1 however1 is the case1 the   
hostess may herself request permission  
to do so4 ,to continue working during a 
visit of ceremony would be extremely    
discourteous2 and we cannot avoid       
hinting to our lady readers1 that even  
when a particular friend is present for 
only a short time1 it is somewhat       
inconsistent with etiquette to keep     
their eyes fixed on a crochet or        
knitting-book1 apparently engaged in    
counting stitches1 or unfolding the     

intricacies of a pattern4 ,we have seen 
this done1 and are1 therefore1 careful  
to warn them on the subject4 ,there are 
many kinds of light and elegant1 and    
even useful work1 which do not require  
close attention1 and may be profitably  
pursued2 and such we recommend to be    
always on the work-table at those hours 
which1 according to established         
practice1 are given to social           
intercourse4  ,it is generally customary
 in the country to offer refreshment to 
morning visitors4 ,if they come from a  
considerable distance1 and are on       
intimate terms1 hospitality requires    
that you should invite them to take     
luncheon4 ,in town it is otherwise1 and 
you are not expected to render any      
courtesy of the kind1 except to aged or 
feeble persons1 or to some one who1     
perhaps1 is in affliction1 and to whom  
the utmost kindliness should be shown4  
,when your visitor is about to take     
leave1 rise1 and accompany her to the   
door1 mindful1 at the same time1 that   

the bell is rung1 in order that a       
servant may be in attendance4 ,if the   
master of the house is present1 and a   
lady is just going away1 he must offer  
her his arm1 and lead her to the hall or
 passage door4 ,if her carriage be in   
waiting1 he will1 of course1 hand her   
into it4 ,these attentions are slight1  
and some persons may think they are     
scarcely worth noticing4 ,nevertheless1 
they are important1 and we are the more 
earnest to press them on the attention  
of our readers1 because we have         
witnessed the omission of such acts of  
courtesy in families where a very       
different mode of conduct might be      
expected4  ,and here1 turning aside for 
a brief space from the subject-matter of
 our discourse1 we desire earnestly to  
impress upon mothers who have sons      
growing up1 the great importance of     
early imbuing them with the principles  
of true politeness1 and consequent      
attention to its most trifling          
observances4 ,what matters it if a tall 

lad pushes into a room before one of his
 mother's visitors2 or1 if he chance to 
see her going into church1 instead of   
holding the door in a gentlemanly       
manner1 he lets it swing in her face    
when he has himself entered2 or whether 
he comes into the drawing-room with his 
hat on1 unobservant of lady visitors1 or
 lolls in an arm-chair reading the      
newspaper8  ,what signifies it8 some    
will say--why tease a youth about such  
matters8 ,he will learn manners as he   
grows up4 ,we think otherwise1 and do   
not scruple to affirm1 that he can never
 learn real gentlemanly politeness from 
any one but his mother4 ,the neglect of 
small courtesies in early life1 and the 
outward or mental boorishness to which  
it leads1 has been1 to our certain      
knowledge1 a more fruitful source of    
wretchedness in many homes1 than we have
 either time or inclination to relate4  
,in this changing world1 visits of      
condolence must be also occasionally    
paid2 and concerning such1 a few        

necessary rules may be briefly stated4  
,visits of condolence should be paid    
within a week after the event which     
occasions them2 but if the acquaintance 
be slight1 immediately after the family 
appear at public worship4 ,a card should
 be sent up2 and if your friends are    
able to receive you1 let your manners   
and conversation be in harmony with the 
character of your visit4 ,it is         
courteous to send up a mourning card2   
and for ladies to make their calls in   
black silk or plain-colored apparel4 ,it
 denotes that they sympathize with the  
afflictions of the family2 and such     
attentions are always pleasing4         
,gentlemen will do well to bear in mind 
that1 when they pay morning calls1 they 
must carry their hats with them into the
 drawing-room2 but on no account put    
them on the chairs or table4 ,there is a
 graceful manner of holding a hat1 which
 every well-bred man understands4  ,when
 calling upon a friend who is boarding1 
do not go up till the servant returns   

with an invitation2 and never enter a   
room without previously knocking at the 
door1 and receiving an invitation to    
come in4 ,such observances are          
indispensable1 even between the nearest 
friends4  ,a gentleman when calling upon
 a lady1 and finding that one of her    
lady friends is with her1 must rise when
 the visitor takes her leave1 and       
accompany her to the hall door2 or if   
she has a carriage1 he should hand her  
into it--supposing1 however1 that no    
gentleman related to the mistress of the
 house be present4 ,if your visit has   
been of sufficient length1 you can take 
your leave when accompanying the lady   
out of the room4  ,it happens           
occasionally that two persons are       
visiting different members of the same  
family4 ,when this occurs1 and one      
visitor takes leave1 the lady or        
gentleman whose visitor has just left   
should remain in the drawing-room4 ,it  
is considered discourteous to do        
otherwise4  ,in most families in this   

country1 evening calls are the most     
usual4 ,should you chance to visit a    
family1 and find that they have a party1
 present yourself1 and converse for a   
few minutes with an unembarrassed air2  
after which you may retire1 unless urged
 to remain4 ,a slight invitation1 given 
for the sake of courtesy1 ought not to  
be accepted4 ,make no apology for your  
unintentional intrusion2 but let it be  
known1 in the course of a few days1 that
 you were not aware that your friends   
had company4  ,an excellent custom      
prevails in some families of inviting   
their guests for a given period4 ,thus1 
for example1 an invitation is sent1     
stating that a friend's company is      
requested on a certain day1 mentioning  
also for what length of time1 and if a  
carriage cannot be offered to meet the  
visitor1 stating expressly the best mode
 of coming and going4 ,we recommend this
 admirable plan to the master and       
mistress of every dwelling which is     
sufficiently capacious to admit of      

receiving an occasional guest4 ,a young 
lady is perhaps invited to spend a      
little time in the country1 but she     
cannot possibly understand whether the  
invitation extends to a few days1 or a  
week1 or a month1 and consequently is   
much puzzled with regard to the         
arrangement of her wardrobe4 ,domestic  
consultations are held2 the letter is   
read over and over again2 every one     
gives a different opinion1 and when the 
visit is entered upon1 somewhat of its  
pleasure is marred through the          
embarrassment occasioned by not knowing 
when to propose taking leave4  ,in      
receiving guests1 your first object     
should be to make them feel at home4    
,begging them to make themselves at home
 is not sufficient4 ,you should display 
a genuine unaffected friendliness4      
,whether you are mistress of a mansion  
or a cottage1 and invite a friend to    
share your hospitality1 you must        
endeavor1 by every possible means1 to   
render the visit agreeable4 ,this should

 be done without apparent effort1 that  
the visitor may feel herself to be a    
partaker in your home enjoyments1       
instead of finding that you put yourself
 out of the way to procure extraneous   
pleasures4 ,it is right and proper that 
you seek to make the time pass lightly2 
but if1 on the other hand1 you let a    
visitor perceive that the whole tenor of
 your daily concerns is altered on her  
account1 a degree of depression will be 
felt1 and the pleasant anticipations    
which she most probably entertained will
 fail to be realized4 ,let your friend  
be assured1 from your manner1 that her  
presence is a real enjoyment to you--an 
incentive to recreations which otherwise
 would not be thought of in the common  
routine of life4 ,observe your own      
feelings when you happen to be the guest
 of a person who1 though he may be very 
much your friend1 and really glad to see
 you1 seems not to know what to do      
either with you or himself2 and again1  
when in the house of another you feel as

 much at ease as in your own4 ,mark the 
difference1 more easily felt than       
described1 between the manners of the   
two1 and deduce therefrom a lesson for  
your own improvement4  ,if you have     
guests in your house1 you are to appear 
to feel that they are all equal for the 
time1 for they all have an equal claim  
upon your courtesies4 ,those of the     
humblest condition will receive full as 
much attention as the rest1 in order    
that you shall not painfully make them  
feel their inferiority4  ,always avoid  
the foolish practice of deprecating your
 own rooms1 furniture1 or viands1 and   
expressing regrets that you have nothing
 better to offer4 ,neither should you go
 to the other extreme of extolling any  
particular thing or article of food4    
,the best way is to say nothing about   
these matters4 ,neither is it proper to 
urge guests to eat1 or to load their    
plates against their inclinations4      
,endeavor to retain your friends as long
 as they like to prolong their visit4   

,when they intimate an intention to     
leave you1 if you really desire their   
continuance somewhat longer1 frankly say
 so4 ,should they1 however1 have fixed  
the time1 and cannot prolong their stay1
 facilitate their going by every means  
in your power2 and1 while you kindly    
invite them to renew their visit1 point 
out to them any places of interest on   
the road1 and furnish such information  
as you possess4  ,if invited to spend a 
few days at a friend's house1 conform as
 much as possible to the habits of the  
family4 ,when parting for the night1    
inquire respecting the breakfast hour1  
and ascertain at what time the family   
meet for prayers4 ,if this right custom 
prevails1 be sure to be in time2 and    
obtain any necessary information from   
the servant who waits upon you4 ,give as
 little trouble as possible2 and never  
think of apologizing for the extra      
trouble which your visit occasions4     
,such an apology implies that your      
friend cannot conveniently entertain    

you4 ,your own good sense and delicacy  
will teach you the desirability of      
keeping your room tidy1 and your        
articles of dress and toilet as much in 
order as possible4 ,if there is a       
deficiency of servants1 a lady will     
certainly not hesitate to make her own  
bed and to do for herself as much as    
possible1 and for the family all that is
 in her power4  ,we presume that few    
people will leave a friend's house      
without some expression of regret1 and  
some acknowledgment proffered for the   
pleasure that has been afforded them4   
,instances to the contrary have come    
within our knowledge1 and therefore we  
remind our youthful readers especially1 
that this small act of politeness is    
indispensable1 not in the form of a set 
speech1 but by a natural flowing forth  
of right feeling4 ,it is also proper1 on
 returning home1 to inform your friends 
of your safe arrival2 the sense which   
you entertain of their hospitality1 and 
the gratification derived from your     

visit1 may be also gracefully alluded   
to4  ,the chain which binds society     
together is formed of innumerable links4
 ,let it be your part to keep those     
links uniformly bright2 and to see that 
neither dust nor rust accumulate upon   
them4     ,,street ,,etiquette4   ,the  
books of etiquette tell you1 that if you
 have been introduced to a lady and you 
afterward meet her in the street1 you   
must not bow to her unless she bow      
first1 in order1 as the books say1 that 
she may have an opportunity to cut you  
if she does not wish to continue the    
acquaintance4 ,this is the ,english     
fashion4 ,but on the continent of       
,europe the rule is reversed1 and no    
lady1 however intimate you may be with  
her1 will acknowledge you in the street 
unless you first honor her with a bow of
 recognition4 ,but the ,american fashion
 is not like either of them4 ,for here  
the really well-bred man always politely
 and respectfully bows to every lady he 
knows1 and1 if she is a well-bred woman1

 she acknowledges the respect paid her4 
,if she expects no further acquaintance1
 her bow is a mere formal1 but always   
respectful1 recognition of the good     
manners which have been shown her1 and  
no gentleman ever takes advantage of    
such politeness to push a further       
acquaintance uninvited4 ,but why should 
a lady and gentleman1 who know who each 
other are1 scornfully and doggedly pass 
each other in the streets as though they
 were enemies8 ,there is no good reason 
for such impoliteness1 in the practice  
of politeness4 ,as compared with the    
,english1 the ,french or continental    
fashion is certainly more consonant with
 the rules of good breeding4 ,but the   
,american rule is better than either1   
for it is based upon the acknowledged   
general principle1 that it is every     
gentleman's and lady's duty to be polite
 in all places4 ,unless parties have    
done something to forfeit the respect   
dictated by the common rules of         
politeness1 there should be no deviation

 from this practice4 ,it is a ridiculous
 idea that we are to practice           
ill-manners in the name of etiquette4   
,while walking the street no one should 
be so absent-minded as to neglect to    
recognize his friends4 ,if you do not   
stop1 you should always bow1 touch your 
hat1 or bid your friend good day4 ,if   
you stop1 you can offer your hand       
without removing your glove4 ,if you    
stop to talk1 retire on one side of the 
walk4 ,if your friend has a stranger    
with him and you have anything to say1  
you should apologize to the stranger4   
,never leave your friend abruptly to see
 another person without asking him to   
excuse your departure4 ,if you meet a   
gentleman of your acquaintance walking  
with a lady whom you do not know1 lift  
your hat as you salute them4 ,if you    
know the lady1 you should salute her    
first4  ,never nod to a lady in the     
street1 neither be satisfied with       
touching your hat1 but take it off--it  
is a courtesy her sex demands4  ,a      

gentleman should never omit a           
punctilious observance of the rules of  
politeness to his recognized            
acquaintances1 from an apprehension that
 he will not be met with reciprocal     
marks of respect4 ,for instance1 he     
should not refuse to raise his hat to an
 acquaintance who is accompanied by a   
lady1 lest her escort should1 from      
ignorance or stolidity1 return his      
polite salutation with a nod of the     
head4 ,it is better not to see him1 than
 to set the example of a rude and       
indecorous salutation4 ,in all such     
cases1 and in all cases1 he who is most 
courteous has the advantage1 and should 
never feel that he has made a           
humiliating sacrifice of his personal   
dignity4 ,it is for the party whose     
behavior has been boorish to have a     
consciousness of inferiority4  ,a       
gentleman meeting a lady acquaintance on
 the street1 should not presume to join 
her in her walk without ascertaining    
that his company would be entirely      

agreeable4 ,it might be otherwise1 and  
she should frankly say so4 ,a married   
lady usually leans upon the arm of her  
husband2 but single ladies do not1 in   
the day1 take the arm of a gentleman1   
unless they are willing to acknowledge  
an engagement4 ,gentlemen always give   
place to ladies1 and gentlemen          
accompanying ladies1 in crossing the    
street4  ,if you have anything to say to
 a lady whom you may happen to meet in  
the street1 however intimate you may be1
 do not stop her1 but turn round and    
walk in company2 you can take leave at  
the end of the street4  ,when you are   
passing in the street1 and see coming   
toward you a person of your             
acquaintance1 whether a lady or an      
elderly person1 you should offer them   
the wall1 that is to say1 the side next 
the houses4 ,if a carriage should happen
 to stop in such a manner as to leave   
only a narrow passage between it and the
 houses1 beware of elbowing and rudely  
crowding the passengers1 with a view to 

get by more expeditiously2 wait your    
turn1 and if any of the persons before  
mentioned come up1 you should edge up to
 the wall1 in order to give them the    
place4 ,they also1 as they pass1 should 
bow politely to you4  ,if stormy weather
 has made it necessary to lay a plank   
across the gutter1 which has become     
suddenly filled with water1 it is not   
proper to crowd before another1 in order
 to pass over the frail bridge4  ,in    
walking with a lady1 it is customary to 
give her the right arm2 but where       
circumstances render it more convenient 
to give her the left1 it may properly be
 done4 ,if you are walking with a lady  
on a crowded street like ,broadway1 by  
all means give her the outside1 as that 
will prevent her from being perpetually 
jostled and run against by the hurrying 
crowd4  ,you should offer your arm to a 
lady with whom you are walking whenever 
her safety1 comfort1 or convenience may 
seem to require such attention on your  
part4 ,at night your arm should always  

be tendered1 and also when ascending the
 steps of a public building4 ,in walking
 with any person you should keep step   
with military precision1 and with ladies
 and elderly people you should always   
accommodate your speed to theirs4  ,if a
 lady with whom you are walking receives
 the salute of a person who is a        
stranger to you1 you should return it1  
not for yourself1 but for her4  ,when a 
lady whom you accompany wishes to enter 
a store1 you should hold the door open  
and allow her to enter first1 if        
practicable2 for you must never pass    
before a lady anywhere1 if you can avoid
 it1 or without an apology4  ,in        
,england1 it is a mark of low breeding  
to smoke in the streets4 ,but in        
,america the rule does not hold to quite
 that extent2 though1 even here1 it is  
not often that you catch a gentleman of 
the strictest sect1 in the street with a
 cigar or pipe in his mouth4 ,for a man 
to go into the street with a lady on his
 arm and a cigar in his mouth is a      

shocking sight1 which no gentleman will 
ever be guilty of exhibiting2 for he    
inevitably subjects the woman to the    
very worst of suspicions4  ,avoid the   
disgusting habit of spitting4  ,no      
gentleman will stand in the doors of    
hotels1 nor on the corners of the       
streets1 gazing impertinently at the    
ladies as they pass4 ,that is such an   
unmistakable sign of a loafer1 that one 
can hardly imagine a well-bred man doing
 such a thing4  ,never offer to shake   
hands with a lady in the street if you  
have on dark gloves1 as you may soil her
 white ones4 ,if you meet a lady friend 
with whom you wish to converse1 you must
 not stop1 but turn and walk along with 
her2 and should she be walking with a   
gentleman1 first assure yourself that   
you are not intruding before you attempt
 to join the two in their walk4  ,after 
twilight1 a young lady would not be     
conducting herself in a becoming manner1
 by walking alone2 and if she passes the
 evening with any one1 she ought1       

beforehand1 to provide some one to come 
for her at a stated hour2 but if this is
 not practicable1 she should politely   
ask of the person whom she is visiting1 
to permit a servant to accompany her4   
,but1 however much this may be          
considered proper1 and consequently an  
obligation1 a married lady1 well        
educated1 will disregard it if          
circumstances prevent her being able1   
without trouble1 to find a conductor4   
,if the host wishes to accompany you    
himself1 you must excuse yourself       
politely for giving him so much trouble1
 but finish1 however1 by accepting4 ,on 
arriving at your house1 you should offer
 him your thanks4 ,in order to avoid    
these two inconveniences1 it will be    
well to request your husband1 or some   
one of your relatives1 to come and wait 
upon you2 you will1 in this way1 avoid  
all inconveniences1 and be entirely free
 from that harsh criticism which is     
sometimes indulged in1 especially in    
small towns1 concerning even the most   

innocent acts4  ,if1 when on your way to
 fulfill an engagement1 a friend stops  
you in the street1 you may1 without     
committing any breach of etiquette1 tell
 him of your appointment1 and release   
yourself from a long talk1 but do so in 
a courteous manner1 expressing regret   
for the necessity4  ,in inquiring for   
goods at a shop or store1 do not say1 ,i
 want so and so1 but say to the         
shopman--,show me such or such an       
article1 if you please--or use some     
other polite form of address4 ,if you   
are obliged to examine a number of      
articles before you are suited1         
apologize to the shopkeeper for the     
trouble you give him4 ,if1 after all1   
you cannot suit yourself1 renew your    
apologies when you go away4 ,if you make
 only small purchases1 say to him--,i am
 sorry for having troubled you for so   
trifling a thing4  ,you need not stop to
 pull off your glove to shake hands with
 a lady or gentleman4 ,if it is warm    
weather it is more agreeable to both    

parties that the glove should be        
on--especially if it is a lady with whom
 you shake hands1 as the perspiration of
 your bare hand would be very likely to 
soil her glove4  ,if a lady addresses an
 inquiry to a gentleman on the street1  
he will lift his hat1 or at least touch 
it respectfully1 as he replies4 ,if he  
cannot give the information required1 he
 will express his regrets4  ,when       
tripping over the pavement1 a lady      
should gracefully raise her dress a     
little above her ankle4 ,with her right 
hand she should hold together the folds 
of her gown and draw them toward the    
right side4 ,to raise the dress on both 
sides1 and with both hands1 is vulgar4  
,this ungraceful practice can be        
tolerated only for a moment when the mud
 is very deep4  ,most ,american ladies  
in our cities wear too rich and         
expensive dresses in the street4 ,some1 
indeed1 will sweep the side-walks with  
costly stuffs only fit for a            
drawing-room or a carriage4 ,this is in 

bad taste1 and is what ill-natured      
people would term snobbish4             
,,traveling4   ,as a general rule1      
travelers are selfish4 ,they pay little 
attention either to the comforts or     
distresses of their fellow-travelers2   
and the commonest observances of        
politeness are often sadly neglected by 
them4 ,in the scramble for tickets1 for 
seats1 for state-rooms1 or for places at
 a public table1 the courtesies of life 
seem to be trampled under foot4 ,even   
the ladies are sometimes rudely treated 
and shamefully neglected in the headlong
 rush for desirable seats in the railway
 cars4 ,to see the behavior of ,american
 people on their travels1 one would     
suppose that we were anything but a     
refined nation2 and ,i have often       
wondered whether a majority of our      
travelers could really make a decent    
appearance in social society4  ,when you
 are traveling1 it is no excuse that    
because others outrage decency and      
propriety you should follow their       

example1 and fight them with their own  
weapons4 ,a rush and scramble at the    
railway ticket office is always         
unnecessary4 ,the cars will not leave   
until every passenger is aboard1 and if 
you have ladies with you1 you can easily
 secure your seats and afterward procure
 the tickets at leisure4 ,but suppose   
you do lose a favorite seat by your     
moderation6 ,is it not better to suffer 
a little inconvenience than to show     
yourself decidedly vulgar8 ,go to the   
cars half an hour before they start1 and
 you will avoid all trouble of this     
kind4  ,when seated1 or about to seat   
yourself in the cars1 never allow       
considerations of personal comfort or   
convenience to cause you to disregard   
the rights of fellow-travelers1 or      
forget the respectful courtesy due to   
woman4 ,the pleasantest or most         
comfortable seats belong to the ladies1 
and you should never refuse to resign   
such seats to them with a cheerful      
politeness4 ,sometimes a gentleman will 

go through a car and choose his seat1   
and afterward vacate it to procure his  
ticket1 leaving his overcoat or carpet  
bag to show that the seat is taken4     
,always respect this token1 and never   
seize upon a seat thus secured1 without 
leave1 even though you may want it for a
 lady4 ,it is not always necessary for a
 gentleman to rise after he has seated  
himself and offer his seat to a lady1   
particularly if the lady is accompanied 
by another gentleman2 for there may     
still be eligible vacant seats in the   
cars4 ,but should you see a lady come   
alone1 and if the seats in the car all  
appear to be filled1 do not hesitate to 
offer her yours1 if you have no ladies  
in your company4 ,and should a lady     
motion to seat herself beside you1 rise 
at once and offer her the choice of the 
two seats4 ,these are but common        
courtesies that every well-bred man will
 at all times cheerfully offer to the   
other sex4  ,making acquaintances in the
 cars1 although correct enough1 is a    

measure of which travelers generally    
appear to be very shy4 ,there is no     
reason for this1 as acquaintances thus  
picked up need never be recognized again
 unless you please4 ,if a stranger      
speaks to you1 always answer him        
politely1 and if his conversation proves
 disagreeable1 you have no alternative  
but to change your seat4  ,in steamers  
do not make a rush for the supper table1
 or make a glutton of yourself when you 
get there4 ,never fail to offer your    
seat on deck to a lady1 if the seats all
 appear to be occupied1 and always meet 
half way any fellow-passenger who wishes
 to enter into conversation with you4   
,some travelers are so exclusive that   
they consider it a presumption on the   
part of a stranger to address them2 but 
such people are generally foolish1 and  
of no account4 ,sociable intercourse    
while traveling is one of its main      
attractions4 ,who would care about      
sitting and moping for a dozen of hours 
on board a steamer without exchanging a 

word with anybody8 and this must be the 
fate of the exclusives when they travel 
alone4 ,even ladies1 who run greater    
risks in forming steamboat acquaintances
 than the men1 are allowed the greatest 
privileges in that respect4 ,it might   
not be exactly correct for a lady to    
make a speaking acquaintance of a       
gentleman2 but she may address or       
question him for the time being without 
impropriety4  ,fellow-passengers1       
whether on a steamboat or in the cars1  
should at all times be sociable and     
obliging to one another4 ,those who are 
the reverse of this may be set down     
either as selfish1 foolish1 or          
conceited4  ,in the cars you have no    
right to keep a window open for your    
accommodation1 if the current of air    
thus produced annoys or endangers the   
health of another4 ,there are a         
sufficient number of discomforts in     
traveling1 at best1 and it should be the
 aim of each passenger to lessen them as
 much as possible1 and to cheerfully    

bear his own part4 ,life is a journey1  
and we are all fellow-travelers4  ,if in
 riding in an omnibus1 or crossing a    
ferry with a friend1 he wishes to pay   
for you1 never insist upon paying for   
yourself or for both4 ,if he is before  
you1 let the matter pass without remark4
     ,,marriage4   ,in speaking of      
marriage1 it is not merely with         
reference to its social importance1 but 
as regards certain observances1         
concerning which no work on ,etiquette  
has yet given any explicit rules4       
,first1 then1 with respect to the       
preliminary subject of courtship4 ,that 
unseen monitor1 who has already         
suggested many points for consideration 
to lady readers1 would now say to them3 
,before you admit the attentions of a   
gentleman who wishes to pay you his     
addresses1 very carefully examine your  
respective tastes and dispositions2 and 
settle in your own mind what are the    
most important requisites of happiness  
in a married state4 ,with this view1 you

 must enter upon the consideration of   
the subject with a calm and decisive    
spirit1 which will enable you to see    
where your true happiness lies1 and to  
pursue it with determined resolution4   
,in matters of business1 follow the     
advice of such as are able to guide you2
 and as regards the subject of marriage1
 turn not away from the counsel of those
 who are appointed to watch over and    
direct you4  ,if a gentleman gives you  
reason to believe that he wishes to     
engage your affections1 seek the advice 
of your parents1 that they may gain for 
you every necessary particular with     
regard to his morals and disposition1   
and means of suitably providing for you4
 ,if1 unhappily1 death has deprived you 
of parents1 ask counsel of some one who 
will care for you1 and on whose         
friendship you can rely4 ,remember that 
you have little knowledge of the world1 
and that your judgment has not arrived  
at full maturity4 ,but however          
circumstanced1 avoid1 as you would the  

plague1 any attentions from a gentleman 
whose moral character renders him       
undeserving your regard4  ,let neither  
rank nor fortune1 nor the finest order  
of intellect1 nor yet the most winning  
manners1 induce you to accept the       
addresses of an irreligious man4 ,you   
dare not ask the blessing of your       
,heavenly ,father upon such addresses2  
and without ,his blessing1 what         
happiness can you expect8 ,men often    
say1 that whatever their own opinions   
may be1 they will marry religious women4
 ,this may be2 but woe to a religious   
woman1 if she allows herself to be thus 
beguiled6 ,supposing your admirer be a  
sensible man1 he will like religion in  
you for his own sake2 if1 on the        
contrary1 such is not the case1 and you 
become his wife1 he will often1 though  
perhaps without intention1 distress you 
by his remarks2 and in either case1 if  
you have children1 you will suffer much 
in seeing that your endeavors to form   
their minds to virtue and piety1 and to 

secure their present and eternal        
happiness1 are regarded with            
indifference1 or at least that you are  
not assisted in your efforts4           
,remember1 also1 that no happiness can  
be expected in the marriage state1      
unless the husband be worthy of respect4
 ,do not marry a weak man2 he is often  
intractable or capricious1 and seldom   
listens to the voice of reason2 and most
 painful must it be to any sensible     
woman to have to blush for her husband1 
and feel uneasy every time he opens his 
lips4 ,still worse1 if it should please 
,god to give her children1 if she cannot
 point to the example of their father as
 leading to what is excellent and of    
good report2 nor yet to his precepts and
 instructions as their rule of conduct4 
,one thing is certain1 that a weak man  
uniformly shows his consequence by      
contradicting his wife1 because he will 
not have it supposed that he is under   
her influence4  ,advances1 or offers of 
marriage1 are made in a thousand        

different ways2 but1 however tendered1  
receive them courteously1 and with      
dignity4 ,if a letter comes to you1     
answer it as becomes a gentlewoman--your
 own heart will dictate what you ought  
to say4 ,questions have arisen with     
regard to the wording of such letters1  
but no certain rule can be laid down2   
whether it be answered in the first or  
third person1 must depend upon the      
degree of acquaintance which has        
previously existed4 ,no young lady would
 certainly head her letter with--,dear  
,sir1 to a suitor whom she scarcely     
knows1 or to one whom she intends       
refusing4 ,she ought1 however1 on no    
account1 either to receive or answer    
letters of the kind without showing them
 to her mother2 or1 if unfortunately    
without parents1 she will do well to    
consult some judicious female friend4   
,never trifle with the affections of a  
man who loves you2 nor admit of marked  
attentions from one whose affection you 
cannot return4 ,some young ladies pride 

themselves upon the conquests which they
 make1 and would not scruple to         
sacrifice the happiness of an estimable 
person to their reprehensible vanity4   
,let this be far from you4 ,if you see  
clearly that you have become an object  
of especial regard to a gentleman1 and  
do not wish to encourage his addresses1 
treat him honorably and humanely1 as you
 hope to be used with generosity by the 
person who may engage your own heart4   
,do not let him linger in suspense1 but 
take the earliest opportunity of        
carefully making known your feelings on 
the subject4 ,this may be done in a     
variety of ways4 ,a refined ease of     
manner will satisfy him1 if he has any  
discernment1 that his addresses will not
 be acceptable4 ,should your natural    
disposition render this difficult1 show 
that you wish to avoid his company1 and 
he will presently withdraw2 but if even 
this is difficult--and who can lay down 
rules for another8--allow an opportunity
 for explanation to occur4 ,you can then

 give him a polite and decisive answer2 
and be assured that1 in whatever manner 
you convey your sentiments to him1 if he
 be a man of delicacy and right feeling1
 he will trouble you no further4 ,let it
 never be said of you1 that you permit  
the attentions of an honorable man when 
you have no heart to give him2 or that  
you have trifled with the affections of 
one whom you perhaps esteem1 although   
you resolve never to marry him4 ,it may 
be that his preference gratifies1 and   
his conversation interests you2 that you
 are flattered by the attentions of a   
man whom some of your companions admire2
 and that1 in truth1 you hardly know    
your own mind on the subject4 ,this will
 not excuse you4 ,every young woman     
ought to know the state of her own      
heart2 and yet the happiness and future 
prospects of many an excellent man have 
been sacrificed by such unprincipled    
conduct4  ,remember that if a gentleman 
makes you an offer1 you have no right to
 speak of it4 ,if you possess either    

generosity or gratitude for offered     
affection1 you will not betray a secret 
which does not belong to you4 ,it is    
sufficiently painful to be refused1     
without incurring the additional        
mortification of being pointed out as a 
rejected lover4  ,if1 on the contrary1  
you encourage the addresses of a        
deserving man1 behave honorably and     
sensibly4 ,do not lead him about as if  
in triumph1 nor take advantage of the   
ascendency which you have gained by     
playing with his feelings4 ,do not seek 
for occasions to tease him1 that you may
 try his temper2 neither affect         
indifference1 nor provoke lovers'       
quarrels1 for the foolish pleasure of   
reconciliation4 ,on your conduct during 
courtship will very much depend the     
estimation in which you will be held by 
your husband in after life4  ,assuming  
that the important day is fixed1 and    
that the bidden guests have accepted the
 invitations1 a few observations may be 
useful1 especially to those who live    

retired in the country4  ,the bride     
uniformly goes to church in the same    
carriage with her parents1 or with those
 who stand in their place2 as1 for      
instance1 if the father is deceased1 an 
elder brother or uncle1 or even         
guardian1 accompanies her mother and    
herself4 ,if1 unhappily1 she is an      
orphan1 and has no relations1 a         
middle-aged lady and gentleman1 friends 
of her parents1 should be requested to  
take their place4 ,a bridesmaid will    
also occupy a seat in the same carriage4
  ,the bridegroom finds his way to      
church in a separate carriage with his  
friends1 and he will show his gallantry 
by handing the bride from her carriage1 
and paying every attention to those who 
accompany her4 ,any omission in this    
respect cannot be too carefully avoided4
  ,when arrived at the altar1 the father
 of the bride1 or1 in default of such   
relation1 the nearest connexion1 or some
 old friend1 gives away the bride4 ,the 
bridesmaids stand near the bride2 and   

either her sister1 or some favorite     
friend1 will hold the gloves or         
handkerchief1 as may be required1 when  
she ungloves her hand for the           
wedding-ring4 ,when the ceremony is     
completed1 and the names of the bride   
and bridegroom are signed in the vestry1
 they first leave the church together1  
occupying by themselves the carriage    
that waits to convey them to the house  
of the bride's father and mother1 or    
that of the guardian1 or friend1 by whom
 the bridal breakfast is provided4  ,the
 wedding-cake uniformly occupies the    
center of the table4 ,it is often       
tastefully surrounded with flowers1     
among which those of the fragrant orange
 ought to be conspicuous4 ,after being  
cut according to the usages observed on 
such occasions1 the oldest friend of the
 family proposes the lady's health2 that
 of the bridegroom is generally proposed
 by some friend of his own1 if present2 
but if this is not the case1 by his     
father-in-law1 or any of his new        

relatives1 who will deem it incumbent   
upon them to say something gratifying to
 him while proposing his health1 which  
courtesy he must acknowledge as best he 
can4 ,after this the bride withdraws1 in
 order to prepare for leaving the       
parental roof1 by taking off her        
wedding1 and putting on her traveling   
dress2 although it happens not          
unfrequently that the bride remains in  
another apartment1 and thus avoids the  
fatigue and embarrassment of appearing  
at the breakfast-table4 ,when this      
occurs1 her place beside the bridegroom 
must be occupied by a near relation or  
friend4 ,but whether present1 or        
remaining apart with a few friends1 all 
who are invited to do honor to the bride
 must appear in full dress4 ,bracelets  
may be worn on one or both wrists4      
,black of any kind is wholly            
inadmissible2 not even black satin can  
be allowed2 and widows must attire      
themselves either in quiet colored      
suits1 or else in silver gray4  ,on such

 festive occasions1 all appear in their 
best attire1 and assume their best      
manners4 ,peculiarities that pertain to 
past days1 or have been unwarily        
adopted1 should be guarded against2     
mysteries concerning knives1 forks1 and 
plates1 or throwing an old shoe after   
the bride1 are highly reprehensible1 and
 have long been exploded4 ,such         
practices may seem immaterial1 but they 
are not so4 ,stranger guests often meet 
at a wedding breakfast2 and the good    
breeding of the family may be somewhat  
compromised by neglect in small things4 
,if the lady appears at breakfast1 which
 is certainly desirable1 she occupies1  
with her husband1 the center of the     
table1 and sits by his side--her father 
and mother taking the top and bottom1   
and showing all honor to their guests4  
,when the cake has been cut1 and every  
one is helped--when1 too1 the health of 
the bride and bridegroom has been drunk1
 and every compliment and kind wish has 
been duly proffered and                 

acknowledged--the bride1 attended by her
 friends1 withdraws2 and when ready for 
her departure the newly-married couple  
start off on their wedding journey1     
generally about two or three o'clock1   
and the rest of the company shortly     
afterward take their leave4  ,in some   
circles it is customary to send cards   
almost immediately to friends and       
relations1 mentioning at what time and  
hour the newly-married couple expect to 
be called upon4 ,some little            
inconvenience occasionally attends this 
custom1 as young people may wish to     
extend their wedding tour beyond the    
time first mentioned1 or1 if they go    
abroad1 delays may unavoidably occur4   
,it is therefore better to postpone     
sending cards1 for a short time at      
least4  ,fashions change continually    
with regard to wedding-cards4 ,a few    
years since they were highly ornamented1
 and fantastically tied together2 now   
silver-edged cards are fashionable2 but1
 unquestionably1 the plainer and more   

unostentatious a wedding-card1 the more 
lady-like and becoming it will be4  ,no 
one to whom a wedding-card has not been 
sent ought to call upon a newly-married 
couple4  ,when the days named for seeing
 company arrive1 remember to be         
punctual4 ,call1 if possible1 the first 
day1 but neither before nor after the   
appointed hour4 ,wedding-cake and wine  
are handed round1 of which every one    
partakes1 and each expresses some kindly
 wish for the happiness of the          
newly-married couple4  ,taking          
possession of their home by young people
 is always a joyous period4 ,the        
depressing influence of a wedding       
breakfast1 where often the hearts of    
many are sad1 is not felt1 and every one
 looks forward to years of prosperity   
and happiness4  ,if the gentleman is in 
a profession1 and it happens that he    
cannot await the arrival of such as     
call1 according to invitation on the    
wedding-card1 an apology must be made1  
and1 if possible1 an old friend of the  

family should represent him4 ,a bride   
must on no account receive her visitors 
without a mother1 or sister1 or some    
friend being present1 not even if her   
husband is at home4 ,this is imperative4
 ,to do otherwise is to disregard the   
usuages of society4 ,we remember once   
calling on a very young bride1 and found
 her alone4 ,conjectures were made by   
every visitor with regard to such a     
strange occurrence1 and their surprise  
was still more increased1 when it became
 known that the young lady returned her 
calls equally unattended4  ,wedding     
visits must be returned during the      
course of a few days1 and parties are   
generally made for the newly-married    
couple1 which they are expected to      
return4 ,this does not1 however1        
necessarily entail much visiting2       
neither is it expected from young       
people1 whose resources may be somewhat 
limited1 or when the husband has to make
 his way in the world4     ,,domestic   
,,etiquette ,,and ,,duties4   ,the      

little community to which ,i gave laws1 
said the ,vicar of ,wakefield1 was      
regulated in the following manner3--,we 
all assembled early1 and after we had   
saluted each other with proper ceremony1
 7for ,i always thought fit to keep up  
some mechanical forms of good breeding1 
without which1 freedom ever destroys    
friendship17 we all knelt in gratitude  
to that ,being who gave us another day4 
,so also when we parted for the night4  
,we earnestly recommend that the        
precepts and example of the good old    
,vicar should be followed and adopted by
 every newly-married couple4 ,with      
regard to the first1 the courtesies of  
society should never be omitted1 in even
 the most trivial matters2 and1 as      
respects the second1 what blessing can  
be reasonably expected to descend upon a
 house wherein the voice of thanksgiving
 is never heard1 nor yet protection     
sought by its acknowledged head6  ,on   
the wife especially devolves the        
privilege and pleasure of rendering home

 happy4 ,we shall1 therefore1 speak of  
such duties and observances as pertain  
to her4  ,when a young wife first       
settles in her home1 many excellent     
persons1 with more zeal1 it may be1 than
 discretion1 immediately propose that   
she should devote some of her leisure   
time to charitable purposes3 such1 for  
instance1 as clothing societies for the 
poor1 or schools1 or district visiting4 
,we say with all earnestness to our     
young friend1 engage in nothing of the  
kind1 however laudable1 without         
previously consulting your husband1 and 
obtaining his full concurrence4         
,carefully avoid1 also1 being induced by
 any specious arguments to attend       
evening lectures1 unless he accompanies 
you4 ,remember that your ,heavenly      
,father1 who has given you a home to    
dwell in1 requires from you a right     
performance of its duties4 ,win your    
husband1 by all gentle appliances1 to   
love religion2 but do not1 for the sake 
even of a privilege and a blessing1     

leave him to spend his evenings alone4  
,look often on your marriage ring1 and  
remember the sacred vows taken by you   
when the ring was given2 such thoughts  
will go far toward allaying many of     
these petty vexations which             
circumstances call forth4  ,never let   
your husband have cause to complain that
 you are more agreeable abroad than at  
home2 nor permit him to see in you an   
object of admiration1 as respects your  
dress and manners1 when in company1     
while you are negligent of both in the  
domestic circle4 ,many an unhappy       
marriage has been occasioned by neglect 
in these particulars4 ,nothing can be   
more senseless than the conduct of a    
young woman1 who seeks to be admired in 
general society for her politeness and  
engaging manners1 or skill in music1    
when1 at the same time1 she makes no    
effort to render her home attractive2   
and yet that home1 whether a palace or a
 cottage1 is the very center of her     
being--the nucleus around which her     

affections should revolve1 and beyond   
which she has comparatively small       
concern4  ,beware of intrusting any     
individual whatever with small          
annoyances1 or misunderstandings1       
between your husband and yourself1 if   
they unhappily occur4 ,confidants are   
dangerous persons1 and many seek to     
obtain an ascendency in families by     
gaining the good opinion of young       
married women4 ,be on your guard1 and   
reject every overture that may lead to  
undesirable intimacy4 ,should any one   
presume to offer you advice with regard 
to your husband1 or seek to lessen him  
by insinuations1 shun that person as you
 would a serpent4 ,many a happy home has
 been rendered desolate by exciting     
coolness or suspicion1 or by endeavors  
to gain importance in an artful and     
insidious manner4  ,in all money        
matters1 act openly and honorably4 ,keep
 your accounts with the most scrupulous 
exactness1 and let your husband see that
 you take an honest pride in rightly    

appropriating the money which he        
intrusts to you4 ,my husband works hard 
for every dollar that he earns1 said a  
young married lady1 the wife of a       
professional man1 to a friend who found 
her busily employed in sewing buttons on
 her husband's coat1 and it seems to me 
worse than cruel to lay out a dime      
unnecessarily4 ,be very careful1 also1  
that you do not spend more than can be  
afforded in dress2 and be satisfied with
 such carpets and curtains in your      
drawing-room as befit a moderate        
fortune1 or professional income4        
,natural ornaments1 and flowers         
tastefully arranged1 give an air of     
elegance to a room in which the         
furniture is far from costly2 and books 
judiciously placed1 uniformly produce a 
good effect4 ,a sensible woman will     
always seek to ornament her home1 and to
 render it attractive1 more especially  
as this is the taste of the present day4
 ,the power of association is very      
great2 light1 and air1 and elegance1 are

 important in their effects4 ,no wife   
acts wisely who permits her sitting-room
 to look dull in the eyes of him whom   
she ought especially to please1 and with
 whom she has to pass her days4  ,in    
middle life1 instances frequently occur 
of concealment with regard to money     
concerns2 thus1 for instance1 a wife    
wishes to possess an article of dress   
which is too costly for immediate       
purchase1 or a piece of furniture liable
 to the same objection4 ,she accordingly
 makes an agreement with a seller1 and  
there are many who call regularly at    
houses when the husband is absent on    
business1 and who receive whatever the  
mistress of the house can spare from her
 expenses4 ,a book is kept by the       
seller1 in which payments are entered2  
but a duplicate is never retained by the
 wife1 and therefore she has no check   
whatever4 ,we have known an article of  
dress paid for in this manner1 far above
 its value1 and have heard a poor young 
woman1 who has been thus duped1 say to a

 lady1 who remonstrated with her3 ,alas6
 what can ,i do8 ,i dare not tell my    
husband4 ,it may be that the same       
system1 though differing according to   
circumstances1 is pursued in a superior 
class of life4 ,we have reason to think 
that it is so1 and therefore            
affectionately warn our younger sisters 
to beware of making purchases that      
require concealment4 ,be content with   
such things as you can honorably afford1
 and such as your husbands approve4 ,you
 can then wear them with every feeling  
of self-satisfaction4  ,before          
dismissing this part of our subject1 we 
beseech you to avoid all bickerings4    
,what does it signify where a picture   
hangs1 or whether a rose or a pink looks
 best on the drawing-room table8 ,there 
is something inexpressibly endearing in 
small concessions1 in gracefully giving 
up a favorite opinion1 or in yielding to
 the will of another2 and equally       
painful is the reverse4 ,the mightiest  
rivers have their source in streams2 the

 bitterest domestic misery has often    
arisen from some trifling difference of 
opinion4 ,if1 by chance1 you marry a man
 of a hasty temper1 great discretion is 
required4 ,much willingness1 too1 and   
prayer for strength to rule your own    
spirit are necessary4 ,three instances  
occur to us1 in which1 ladies have      
knowingly married men of exceeding      
violent tempers1 and yet have lived     
happily4 ,the secret of their happiness 
consisted in possessing a perfect       
command over themselves1 and in seeking1
 by every possible means1 to prevent    
their husbands from committing          
themselves in their presence4  ,lastly1 
remember your standing as a lady1 and   
never approve a mean action1 nor speak  
an unrefined word2 let all your conduct 
be such as an honorable and right-minded
 man may look for in his wife1 and the  
mother of his children4 ,the slightest  
duplicity destroys confidence4 ,the     
least want of refinement in             
conversation1 or in the selection of    

books1 lowers a woman1 ay1 and for ever6
 ,follow these few simple precepts1 and 
they shall prove to you of more worth   
than rubies2 neglect them1 and you will 
know what sorrow is4 ,they apply to     
every class of society1 in every place  
where man has fixed his dwelling2 and to
 the woman who duly observes them may be
 given the beautiful commendation of    
,solomon1 when recording the words which
 the mother of ,king ,lemuel taught him3
  ,the heart of her husband doth safely 
trust in her2 she will do him good1 and 
not evil1 all the days of her life4     
,strength and honor are her clothing2   
and she shall rejoice in time to come4  
,her children rise up1 and call her     
blessed2 her husband also1 and he       
praiseth her4--,prov4 xxxi4  ,we shall  
now address ourselves exclusively to our
 brethren2 to them who have taken upon  
themselves the sacred and comprehensive 
names of husband and of master1 who have
 formed homes to dwell in1 and have     
placed therein1 as their companions     

through life's pilgrimage1 gentle and   
confiding ones1 who have left for them  
all that was heretofore most dear1 and  
whom they have sworn to love and to     
cherish4  ,when a man marries1 it is    
understood that all former              
acquaintanceship ends1 unless he        
intimates a desire to renew it1 by      
sending you his own and his wife's card1
 if near1 or by letter1 if distant4 ,if 
this be neglected1 be sure no further   
intercourse is desired4  ,in the first  
place1 a bachelor is seldom very        
particular in the choice of his         
companions4 ,so long as he is amused1 he
 will associate freely enough with those
 whose morals and habits would point    
them out as highly dangerous persons to 
introduce into the sanctity of domestic 
life4  ,secondly1 a married man has the 
tastes of another to consult2 and the   
friend of the husband may not be equally
 acceptable to the wife4  ,besides1     
newly-married people may wish to limit  
the circle of their friends1 from       

praiseworthy motives of economy4 ,when a
 man first sets up in the world1 the    
burden of an extensive and              
indiscriminate acquaintance may be felt 
in various ways4 ,many have had cause to
 regret the weakness of mind which      
allowed them to plunge into a vortex of 
gaiety and expense they could ill       
afford1 from which they have found it   
difficult to extricate themselves1 and  
the effects of which have proved a      
serious evil to them in after-life4     
,remember that you have now1 as a       
married man1 a very different standing  
in society from the one which you       
previously held1 and that the happiness 
of another is committed to your charge4 
,render1 therefore1 your home happy by  
kindness and attention to your wife1 and
 carefully watch over your words and    
actions4 ,if small disputes arise1 and  
your wife has not sufficient good sense 
to yield her opinion2 nay1 if she even  
seems determined to have her own way1   
and that tenaciously1 do not get angry2 

rather be silent1 and let the matter    
rest4 ,an opportunity will soon occur of
 speaking affectionately1 yet decidedly1
 on the subject1 and much good will be  
effected4 ,master your own temper1 and  
you will soon master your wife's2 study 
her happiness without yielding to any   
caprices1 and you will have no reason to
 regret your self-control4  ,never let  
your wife go to church alone on ,sunday4
 ,you can hardly do a worse thing as    
regards her good opinion of you1 and the
 well-being of your household4 ,it is a 
pitiable sight to see a young wife going
 toward the church-door unattended1     
alone in the midst of a crowd1 with her 
thoughts dwelling1 it may be very sadly1
 on the time when you were proud to walk
 beside her4 ,remember that the         
condition of a young bride is often a   
very solitary one2 and that for your    
sake she has left her parents' roof1 and
 the companionship of her brothers and  
sisters4 ,if you are a professional man1
 your wife may have to live in the      

neighborhood of a large city1 where she 
scarcely knows any one1 and without     
those agreeable domestic occupations1 or
 young associates1 among whom she had   
grown up4 ,her garden and poultry-yard  
are hers no longer1 and the day passes  
without the light of any smile but      
yours4 ,you go off1 most probably after 
breakfast1 to your business or          
profession1 and do not return till a    
late dinner2 perhaps even not then1 if  
you are much occupied1 or have to keep  
up professional connections4 ,it seems  
unmanly1 certainly most unkind1 to let  
your young wife go to church on ,sunday 
without you1 for the common-place       
satisfaction of lounging at home4 ,to   
act in this manner is certainly a breach
 of domestic etiquette4 ,sunday is the  
only day in which you can enable her to 
forget her father's house1 and the      
pleasant associations of her girlhood   
days--in which you can pay her those    
attentions which prevent all painful    
comparisons as regards the past4 ,sunday

 is a day of rest1 wisely and mercifully
 appointed to loose the bonds by which  
men are held to the world2 let it be    
spent by you as becomes the head of a   
family4 ,let no temptation ever induce  
you to wish your wife to relinquish     
attending ,divine service1 merely that  
she may idle at home with you4 ,religion
 is her safeguard amid the trials or    
temptations of this world4 ,and woe may 
be to you if you seek to withdraw her   
from its protection6  ,much perplexity  
in the marriage state often arises from 
want of candor4 ,men conceal their      
affairs1 and expect their wives to act  
with great economy1 without assigning   
any reason why such should be the case2 
but the husband ought frankly to tell   
his wife the real amount of his income2 
for1 unless this is done1 she cannot    
properly regulate her expenses4 ,they   
ought then to consult together as to the
 sum that can be afforded for           
housekeeping1 which should be rather    
below than above the mark4 ,when this is

 arranged he will find it advantageous  
to give into her hands1 either weekly1  
monthly1 or quarterly1 the sum that is  
appropriated for daily expenditure1 and 
above all things to avoid interfering   
without absolute necessity4 ,the home   
department belongs exclusively to the   
wife2 the province of the husband is to 
rule the house--hers to regulate its    
internal movements4 ,true it is1 that   
some inexperienced young creatures know 
but little of household concerns4 ,if   
this occur1 have patience1 and do not   
become pettish or ill-humored4 ,if too  
much money is laid out at first1 give   
advice1 kindly and firmly1 and the young
 wife will soon learn how to perform her
 new duties4  ,no good ever yet         
resulted1 or ever will result from      
unnecessary interference4 ,if a man     
unhappily marries an incorrigible       
simpleton1 or spendthrift1 he cannot    
help himself4 ,such1 however1 is rarely 
the case4 ,let a man preserve his own   
position1 and assist his wife to do the 

same2 all things will then move         
together1 well and harmoniously4  ,much 
sorrow1 and many heart-burnings1 may be 
avoided by judicious conduct in the     
outset of life4 ,husbands should give   
their wives all confidence4 ,they have  
intrusted to them their happiness1 and  
should never suspect them of desiring to
 waste their money4 ,whenever a         
disposition is manifested to do right1  
express your approbation4 ,be pleased   
with trifles1 and commend efforts to    
excel on every fitting occasion4 ,if    
your wife is diffident1 encourage her1  
and avoid seeing small mistakes4 ,it is 
unreasonable to add to the              
embarrassments of her new condition1 by 
ridiculing her deficiencies4 ,forbear   
extolling the previous management of    
your mother or your sisters4 ,many a    
wife has been alienated from her        
husband's family1 and many an           
affectionate heart has been deeply      
wounded by such injudicious conduct2    
and1 as a sensible woman will always pay

 especial attention to the relations of 
her husband1 and entertain them with    
affectionate politeness1 the husband on 
his part should always cordially receive
 and duly attend to her relations4 ,the 
reverse of this1 on either side1 is     
often productive of unpleasant feelings4
  ,lastly1 we recommend every young     
married man1 who wishes to render his   
home happy1 to consider his wife as the 
light of his domestic circle1 and to    
permit no clouds1 however small1 to     
obscure the region in which she         
presides4 ,most women are naturally     
amiable1 gentle1 and complying2 and if a
 wife becomes perverse1 and indifferent 
to her home1 it is generally her        
husband's fault4 ,he may have neglected 
her happiness2 but nevertheless it is   
unwise in her to retort1 and1 instead of
 faithfully reflecting the brightness   
that still may shine upon her1 to give  
back the dusky and cheerless hue which  
saddens her existence4 ,be not selfish1 
but complying1 in small things4 ,if your

 wife dislikes cigars--and few young    
women like to have their clothes tainted
 by tobacco--leave off smoking2 for it  
is1 at best1 an ungentlemanly and dirty 
habit4 ,if your wife asks you to read to
 her1 do not put your feet upon a chair 
and go to sleep4 ,if she is fond of     
music1 accompany her as you were wont   
when you sought her for a bride4 ,the   
husband may say that he is tired1 and   
does not like music1 or reading aloud4  
,this may occasionally be true1 and no  
amiable woman will ever desire her      
husband to do what would really weary   
him4 ,we1 however1 recommend a young man
 to practice somewhat of self-denial1   
and to remember that no one acts with a 
due regard to his own happiness who lays
 aside1 when married1 those gratifying  
attentions which he was ever ready to   
pay the lady of his love2 or those      
rational sources of home enjoyment which
 made her look forward with a bounding  
heart to become his companion through   
life4  ,etiquette is a comprehensive    

term2 and its observances are nowhere   
more to be desired than in the domestic 
circle4     ,,on ,,general ,,society4   
,to cultivate the art of pleasing is not
 only worthy of our ambition1 but it is 
the dictate of humanity to render       
ourselves as agreeable as possible to   
those around us4 ,while1 therefore1 we  
condemn that false system of philosophy 
which recommends the practice of        
flattery and deception for the purpose  
of winning the regard of those with whom
 we come in contact1 we would rather    
urge the sincere and open conduct which 
is founded on moral principle1 and which
 looks to the happiness of others1 not  
through any sordid and selfish aim1 but 
for the reward which virtuous actions   
bestow4 ,indeed1 we do not discover the 
necessity of duplicity and hypocrisy in 
our intercourse with society4 ,the      
virtues and the graces are not          
antagonistic4 ,the sacrifice of personal
 convenience for the accommodation of   
others2 the repression of our egotism   

and self-esteem2 the occasional         
endurance of whatever is disagreeable or
 irksome to us through consideration for
 the infirmities of others1 are not only
 some of the characteristics of true    
politeness1 but are in the very spirit  
of benevolence1 and1 we might add1      
religion4  ,the ,english have a rule of 
etiquette1 that if you are introduced to
 a person of higher position in society 
than yourself1 you must never recognize 
him when you meet1 until you see whether
 he intends to notice you4 ,the meaning 
of this rule is1 that you should be     
polite to nobody until you see whether  
they mean to be polite to you1 which is 
simply refusing politeness in the name  
of politeness itself4 ,there is a story 
of an unfortunate clerk of the          
,treasury1 who dined one day at the     
,beef-steak ,club1 where he sat next to 
a duke1 who conversed freely with him at
 dinner4 ,the next day1 meeting the duke
 in the street1 he saluted him4 ,but his
 grace1 drawing himself up1 said3 ,may  

,i know1 sir1 to whom ,i have the honor 
of speaking8 ,why1 we dined together at 
the club yesterday--,i am ,mr4 ,timms1  
of the ,treasury1 was the reply4 ,then1 
said the duke1 turning on his heel1 ,mr4
 ,timms1 of the ,treasury1 ,i wish you a
 good morning4 ,though this anecdote is 
related in the ,english books as an     
example of etiquette1 it is undoubtedly 
true that ,mr4 ,timms1 of the ,treasury1
 was the politest man of the two2 for   
even if he had made a mistake in being a
 little familiar in his politeness1 had 
the duke been really a polite man he    
would have made the best of it1 by      
returning the salutation1 instead of the
 brutal mortification which he heaped   
upon the clerk of the ,treasury4        
,everybody has read the anecdote of     
,washington1 who politely returned the  
salutation of a negro1 which caused his 
friend to ask if he bowed to a negro4   
,to be sure ,i do2 do you think that ,i 
would allow a negro to outdo me in      
politeness8 said ,washington4 ,this is  

the ,american rule4 ,everybody in this  
country may be polite to everybody--and 
if any one is too haughty and too       
ill-bred to return the salutation1 with 
him alone rests the responsibility and  
the shame4  ,a lady in company should   
never exhibit any anxiety to sing or    
play2 but if she intends to do so1 she  
should not affect to refuse when asked1 
but obligingly accede at once4 ,if you  
cannot sing1 or do not choose to1 say so
 with seriousness and gravity1 and put  
an end to the expectation promptly4     
,after singing once or twice1 cease and 
give place to others4 ,there is an old  
saying1 that a singer can with the      
greatest difficulty be set agoing1 and  
when agoing1 cannot be stopped4  ,never 
commend a lady's musical skill to       
another lady who herself plays4  ,modern
 ,chesterfields1 who pretend to be      
superlatively well-bred1 tell one never 
to be in a hurry4 ,to be in a hurry1 say
 they1 is ill-bred4 ,the dictum is      
absurd4 ,it is sometimes necessary to be

 hurried4 ,in the streets of the city   
one must hasten with the multitude4 ,to 
walk or lounge1 as people who have      
nothing else to do1 in ,wall ,street1 or
 ,broadway1 would be out of place and   
absurd4 ,judgment requires us1 not less 
than manners1 to conform slightly with  
the behavior of those with whom we      
associate or are forced to remain4      
,never lose your temper at cards1 and   
particularly avoid the exhibition of    
anxiety or vexation at want of success4 
,if you are playing whist1 not only keep
 your temper1 but hold your tongue2 any 
intimation to your partner is decidedly 
ungentlemanly4  ,do not take upon       
yourself to do the honors in another    
man's house1 nor constitute yourself    
master of the ceremonies1 as you will   
thereby offend the host and hostess4    
,do not press before a lady at a theater
 or a concert4 ,always yield to her1 if 
practicable1 your seat and place4 ,do   
not sit when she is standing1 without   
offering her your place4 ,consult not   

only your own ease1 but also the comfort
 of those around you4  ,do not cross a  
room in an anxious manner1 and force    
your way up to a lady merely to receive 
a bow1 as by so doing you attract the   
eyes of the company toward her4 ,if you 
are desirous of being noticed by any one
 in particular1 put yourself in their   
way as if by accident1 and do not let   
them see that you have sought them out2 
unless1 indeed1 there be something very 
important to communicate4  ,gentlemen   
who attend ladies to the opera1 to      
concerts1 to lectures1 etc41 should take
 off their hats on entering the room1   
and while showing them their seats4     
,having taken your seats remain quietly 
in them1 and avoid1 unless absolute     
necessity requires it1 incommoding      
others by crowding out and in before    
them4 ,if obliged to do this1 politely  
apologize for the trouble you cause     
them4 ,to talk during the performance is
 an act of rudeness and injustice4 ,you 
thus proclaim your own ill-breeding and 

invade the rights of others1 who have   
paid for the privilege of hearing the   
performers1 and not for listening to    
you4  ,if you are in attendance upon a  
lady at any opera1 concert1 or lecture1 
you should retain your seat at her side2
 but if you have no lady with you1 and  
have taken a desirable seat1 you should1
 if need be1 cheerfully relinquish it in
 favor of a lady1 for one less eligible4
  ,to the opera1 or theater1 ladies     
should wear opera hoods1 which are to be
 taken off on entering4 ,in this        
country1 custom permits the wearing of  
bonnets2 but as they are neither        
convenient nor comfortable1 ladies      
should dispense with their use whenever 
they can4  ,gloves should be worn by    
ladies in church1 and in places of      
public amusement4 ,do not take them off 
to shake hands4 ,great care should be   
taken that they are well made and fit   
neatly4  ,if you would have your        
children grow up beloved and respected  
by their elders as well as their        

contemporaries1 teach them good manners 
in their childhood4 ,the young sovereign
 should first learn to obey1 that he may
 be the better fitted to command in his 
turn4  ,show1 but do not show off1 your 
children to strangers4 ,recollect1 in   
the matter of children1 how many are    
born every hour1 each one almost as     
remarkable as yours in the eyes of its  
papa and mamma4  ,notwithstanding that  
good general breeding is easy of        
attainment1 and is1 in fact1 attained by
 most people1 yet we may enlarge upon a 
saying of ,emerson's1 by declaring that 
the world has never yet seen a perfect  
gentleman4  ,it is not deemed polite and
 respectful to smoke in the presence of 
ladies1 even though they are amiable    
enough to permit it4 ,a gentleman1      
therefore1 is not in the habit of       
smoking in the parlor1 for if there is  
nobody present to object1 it leaves a   
smell in the room which the wife has    
good reason to be mortified at1 if      
discovered by her guests4  ,it is very  

common to see persons eat1 drink1 and   
smoke to excess4 ,such habits are vulgar
 in the lowest degree4 ,some men pride  
themselves on their abilities in        
drinking and smoking--more especially in
 the latter4 ,these are blunders that   
need no reasoning to expose them4 ,the  
man who exhibits a tendency to excesses 
will1 sooner or later1 be shunned by all
 except a few of his own stamp1 and not 
even by them be respected4 ,guard       
against excess in all things1 as neither
 gentlemanly nor human4  ,spitting is a 
filthy habit1 and annoys one in almost  
every quarter1 in-doors and out4 ,since 
vulgarity has had its way so extensively
 amongst us1 every youth begins to smoke
 and spit before he has well cut his    
teeth4 ,smoking is unquestionably so    
great a pleasure to those accustomed to 
it1 that it must not be condemned1 yet  
the spitting associated with it detracts
 very much from the enjoyment4 ,no      
refined person will spit where ladies   
are present1 or in any public promenade2

 the habit is disgusting in the extreme1
 and one would almost wish that it could
 be checked in public by means of law4  
,never scratch your head1 pick your     
teeth1 clean your nails1 or1 worse than 
all1 pick your nose in company2 all     
these things are disgusting4  ,to       
indulge in ridicule1 whether the subject
 be present or absent1 is to descend    
below the level of gentlemanly          
propriety4 ,your skill may excite       
laughter1 but will not insure respect4  
,a reverential regard for religious     
observances1 and religious opinions1 is 
a distinguishing trait of a refined     
mind4 ,whatever your opinions on the    
subject1 you are not to intrude them on 
others1 perhaps to the shaking of their 
faith and happiness4 ,religious topics  
should be avoided in conversation1      
except where all are prepared to concur 
in a respectful treatment of the        
subject4 ,in mixed societies the subject
 should never be introduced4  ,frequent 
consultation of the watch or time-pieces

 is impolite1 either when at home or    
abroad4 ,if at home1 it appears as if   
you were tired of your company and      
wished them to be gone2 if abroad1 as if
 the hours dragged heavily1 and you were
 calculating how soon you would be      
released4  ,never read in company4 ,a   
gentleman or lady may1 however1 look    
over a book of engravings with          
propriety4  ,the simpler1 and the more  
easy and unconstrained your manners1 the
 more you will impress people of your   
good breeding4 ,affectation is one of   
the brazen marks of vulgarity4  ,it is  
very unbecoming to exhibit petulance1 or
 angry feeling1 though it is indulged in
 so largely in almost every circle4 ,the
 true gentleman does not suffer his     
countenance to be easily ruffled2 and we
 only look paltry when we suffer temper 
to hurry us into ill-judged expressions 
of feeling4 ,he that is soon angry      
dealeth foolishly4  ,commands should    
never be given in a commanding tone4 ,a 
gentleman requests1 he does not command4

 ,we are not to assume so much          
importance1 whatever our station1 as to 
give orders in the imperative mood1 nor 
are we ever justified in thrusting the  
consciousness of servitude on any one4  
,the blunder of commanding sternly is   
most frequently committed by those who  
have themselves but just escaped        
servitude1 and we should not exhibit to 
others a weakness so unbecoming4  ,it is
 a great thing to be able to walk like a
 gentleman--that is1 to get rid of the  
awkward1 lounging1 swinging gait of a   
clown1 and stop before you reach the    
affected and flippant step of a dandy4  
,in short1 nothing but being a gentleman
 can ever give you the air and step of  
one4 ,a man who has a shallow or an     
impudent brain will be quite sure to    
show it in his heels1 in spite of all   
that rules of manners can do for him4   
,a gentleman never sits in the house    
with his hat on in the presence of      
ladies for a single moment4 ,indeed1 so 
strong is the force of habit1 that a    

gentleman will quite unconsciously      
remove his hat on entering a parlor1 or 
drawing-room1 even if there is no one   
present but himself4 ,people who sit in 
the house with their hats on are to be  
suspected of having spent the most of   
their time in bar-rooms1 and similar    
places4 ,a gentleman never sits with his
 hat on in the theater4 ,gentlemen do   
not generally sit even in an eating-room
 with their hats on1 if there is any    
convenient place to put them4  ,the     
books on etiquette will tell you1 that  
on waiting on a lady into a carriage1 or
 the box of a theater1 you are to take  
off your hat2 but such is not the custom
 among polite people in this country4   
,the inconvenience of such a rule is a  
good reason against its observance in a 
country where the practice of politeness
 has in it nothing of the servility     
which is often attached to it in        
countries where the code of etiquette is
 dictated by the courts of monarchy4 ,in
 handing a lady into a carriage1 a      

gentleman may need to employ both his   
hands1 and he has no third hand to hold 
on to his hat4  ,cleanliness of person  
is a distinguishing trait of every      
well-bred person2 and this not on state 
occasions only1 but at all times1 even  
at home4 ,it is a folly to sit by the   
fire in a slovenly state1 consoling     
oneself with the remark1 ,nobody will   
call to-day4 ,should somebody call we   
are in no plight to receive them1 and   
otherwise it is an injury to the        
character to allow slovenly habits to   
control us even when we are unseen4     
,chesterfield inveighs against holding a
 man by the button1 for if people are   
not willing to hear you1 you had much   
better hold your tongue than them4      
,button-holing is not a common vice1 but
 pointing1 nudging1 hitting a man in the
 side with your fist1 or giving him a   
kick of recognition under the table1 are
 too common not to be noticed here as   
terrible breaches of deportment4        
,significant looks and gestures are     

equally objectionable1 and must be      
avoided by all who desire to soar above 
positive vulgarity4 ,i have often been  
annoyed by hearing a friend discourse on
 some person's failings or excellences1 
the person referred to being only known 
to the speaker4 ,it is a bad rule to    
talk of persons at all1 but more        
especially if the person spoken of is   
not known to all the listeners4  ,do not
 offer a person the chair from which you
 have just risen1 unless there be no    
other in the room4  ,never take the     
chair usually occupied by the lady or   
gentleman of the house1 even though they
 be absent1 nor use the snuff-box of    
another1 unless he offer it4  ,do not   
lean your head against the wall4 ,you   
will either soil the paper1 or get your 
hair well powdered with lime4  ,do not  
touch any of the ornaments in the houses
 where you visit2 they are meant only   
for the use of the lady of the house1   
and may be admired1 but not touched4    
,lord ,chesterfield1 in his ,advice to  

his ,son1 justly characterizes an absent
 man as unfit for business or           
conversation4 ,absence of mind is       
usually affected1 and springs in most   
cases from a desire to be thought       
abstracted in profound contemplations4  
,the world1 however1 gives a man no     
credit for vast ideas who exhibits      
absence when he should be attentive1    
even to trifles4 ,the world is right in 
this1 and ,i would implore every        
studious youth to forget that he is     
studious when he enters company4 ,i have
 seen many a man1 who would have made a 
bright character otherwise1 affect a    
foolish reserve1 remove himself as far  
from others as possible1 and in a mixed 
assembly1 where social prattle or       
sincere conversation enlivened the      
hearts of the company1 sit by himself   
abstracted in a book4 ,it is foolish1   
and1 what is worse for the absentee1 it 
looks so4 ,a hint on this subject is    
sufficient1 and we do hint1 that        
abstractedness of manner should never be

 exhibited2 the greatest geniuses have  
ever been attentive to trifles when it  
so behooved them4  ,affectation of      
superiority galls the feelings of those 
to whom it is offered4 ,in company with 
an inferior1 never let him feel his     
inferiority4 ,an employer1 who invites  
his confidential clerk to his house1    
should treat him in every way the same  
as his most distinguished guest4 ,no    
reference to business should be made1   
and anything in the shape of command    
avoided4 ,it is very easy by a look1 a  
word1 the mode of reception1 or         
otherwise1 to advertise to the other    
guests1 ,this is my clerk1 or1 ,the     
person ,i now treat as a guest was      
yesterday laboring in my service2 but   
such a thing would lower the host more  
than it would annoy the guest4 ,before  
,burns had arrived at his high          
popularity1 he was once invited by some 
puffed-up lairds to dine1 in order that 
they might have the gratification of    
hearing the poet sing one of his own    

songs4 ,burns was shown into the        
servants' hall1 and left to dine with   
the menials4 ,after dinner he was       
invited to the drawing-room1 and a glass
 of wine being handed to him1 requested 
to sing one of his own songs4 ,he       
immediately gave his entertainers that  
thrilling assertion of independence1 ,a 
man's a man for a' that1 and left the   
moment he had finished1 his heart       
embittered at patronage offered in a    
manner so insulting to his poverty4     
,people who have risen in the world are 
too apt to suppose they render          
themselves of consequence in proportion 
to the pride they display1 and their    
want of attention toward those with whom
 they come in contact4 ,this is a       
terrible mistake1 as every ill-bred act 
recoils with triple violence against its
 perpetrators1 by leading the offended  
parties to analyze them1 and to question
 their right of assuming a superiority  
to which they are but rarely entitled4  
,punctuality is one of the              

characteristics of politeness4 ,he who  
does not keep his appointments promptly 
is unfit for the society of gentlemen1  
and will soon find himself shut out from
 it4  ,in private1 watch your thoughts2 
in your family1 watch your temper2 in   
society1 watch your tongue4  ,avoid     
restlessness in company1 lest you make  
the whole party as fidgety as yourself4 
,do not beat the ',devil's tattoo' by   
drumming with your fingers on the table2
 it cannot fail to annoy every one      
within hearing1 and is the index of a   
vacant mind4 ,neither read the newspaper
 in an audible whisper1 as it disturbs  
the attention of those near you4 ,both  
these bad habits are particularly       
offensive where most common1 that is1 in
 a counting or news-room4 ,remember1    
that a carelessness as to what may      
incommode others is the sure sign of a  
coarse and ordinary mind2 indeed1 the   
essential part of good breeding is more 
in the avoidance of whatever may be     
disagreeable to others1 than even an    

accurate observance of the customs of   
good society4  ,good sense must1 in many
 cases1 determine good breeding2 because
 the same thing that would be civil at  
one time and to one person1 may be quite
 otherwise at another time and to       
another person4  ,chesterfield says1 ,as
 learning1 honor1 and virtue are        
absolutely necessary to gain you the    
esteem and admiration of mankind1       
politeness and good breeding are equally
 necessary to make you welcome and      
agreeable in conversation and common    
life4 ,great talents1 such as honor1    
virtue1 learning1 and parts1 are above  
the generality of the world1 who neither
 possess them themselves nor judge of   
them rightly in others2 but all people  
are judges of the lesser talents1 such  
as civility1 affability1 and an         
obliging1 agreeable address and manner2 
because they feel the good effects of   
them1 as making society easy and        
pleasing4  ,if you are in a public room1
 as a library or reading-room1 avoid    

loud conversation or laughing1 which may
 disturb others4 ,at the opera1 or a    
concert1 be profoundly silent during the
 performances2 if you do not wish to    
hear the music1 you have no right to    
interfere with the enjoyment of others4 
,in accompanying ladies to any public   
place1 as to a concert or lecture1 you  
should precede them in entering the     
room1 and procure seats for them4       
,never allow a lady to get a chair for  
herself1 ring a bell1 pick up a         
handkerchief or glove she may have      
dropped1 or1 in short1 perform any      
service for herself which you can       
perform for her1 when you are in the    
room4 ,by extending such courtesies to  
your mother1 sisters1 or other members  
of your family1 they become habitual1   
and are thus more gracefully performed  
when abroad4  ,etiquette in church is   
entirely out of place2 but we may here  
observe that a conversation wantonly    
profligate always offends against good  
manners1 nor can an irreligious man ever

 achieve that bearing which constitutes 
the true gentleman4 ,he may be very     
polished and observant of form1 and even
 if so1 he will1 out of respect for     
others1 refrain from intruding his      
opinions and abstain from attacking     
those of others4  ,chesterfield says1   
,civility is particularly due to all    
women2 and1 remember1 that no           
provocation whatsoever can justify any  
man in not being civil to every woman2  
and the greatest man would justly be    
reckoned a brute if he were not civil to
 the meanest woman4 ,it is due to their 
sex1 and is the only protection they    
have against the superior strength of   
ours2 nay1 even a little is allowable   
with women2 and a man may1 without      
weakness1 tell a woman she is either    
handsomer or wiser than she is4  ,keep  
your engagements4 ,nothing is ruder than
 to make an engagement1 be it of        
business or pleasure1 and break it4 ,if 
your memory is not sufficiently         
retentive to keep all the engagements   

you make stored within it1 carry a      
little memorandum book and enter them   
there4 ,especially keep any appointment 
made with a lady1 for1 depend upon it1  
the fair sex forgive any other fault in 
good breeding1 sooner than a broken     
engagement4  ,the right of privacy is   
sacred1 and should always be respected4 
,it is exceedingly improper to enter a  
private room anywhere without knocking4 
,no relation1 however intimate1 will    
justify an abrupt intrusion upon a      
private apartment4 ,so the trunks1      
boxes1 packets1 papers1 and letters of  
every individual1 locked or unlocked1   
sealed or unsealed1 are sacred4 ,it is  
ill-manners even to open a book-case1 or
 to read a written paper lying open1    
without permission expressed or implied4
 ,books in an open case or on a         
center-table1 cards in a card-case1 and 
newspapers1 are presumed to be open for 
examination4 ,be careful where you go1  
what you read1 and what you handle1     
particularly in private apartments4     

,avoid intermeddling with the affairs of
 others4 ,this is a most common fault4  
,a number of people seldom meet but they
 begin discussing the affairs of some   
one who is absent4 ,this is not only    
uncharitable but positively unjust4 ,it 
is equivalent to trying a cause in the  
absence of the person implicated4 ,even 
in the criminal code a prisoner is      
presumed to be innocent until he is     
found guilty4 ,society1 however1 is less
 just1 and passes judgment without      
hearing the defence4 ,depend upon it1 as
 a certain rule1 that the people who    
unite with you in discussing the affairs
 of others will proceed to scandalize   
you the moment that you depart4  ,be    
well read also1 for the sake of the     
general company and the ladies1 in the  
literature of the day4 ,you will thereby
 enlarge the regions of pleasurable     
talk4 ,besides1 it is often necessary4  
,haslitt1 who had entertained an        
unfounded prejudice against ,dickens's  
works when they were first written1     

confesses that he was at last obliged to
 read them1 because he could not enter a
 mixed company without hearing them     
admired and quoted4  ,always conform    
your conduct1 as near as possible1 to   
the company with whom you are           
associated4 ,if you should be thrown    
among people who are vulgar1 it is      
better to humor them than to set        
yourself up1 then and there1 for a model
 of politeness4 ,it is related of a     
certain king that on a particular       
occasion he turned his tea into his     
saucer1 contrary to the etiquette of    
society1 because two country ladies1    
whose hospitalities he was enjoying1 did
 so4 ,that king was a gentleman2 and    
this anecdote serves to illustrate an   
important principle3 namely1 that true  
politeness and genuine good manners     
often not only permit1 but absolutely   
demand1 a violation of some of the      
arbitrary rules of etiquette4 ,bear this
 fact in mind4  ,although these remarks 
will not be sufficient in themselves to 

make you a gentleman1 yet they will     
enable you to avoid any glaring         
impropriety1 and do much to render you  
easy and confident in society4          
,gentility is neither in birth1 manner1 
nor fashion--but in the ,,mind4 ,a high 
sense of honor--a determination never to
 take a mean advantage of another--an   
adherence to truth1 delicacy1 and       
politeness toward those with whom you   
may have dealings--are the essential and
 distinguishing characteristics of ,a   
,,gentleman4   ,,the ,,end4             
,,transcriber',s ,,notes   ,italics     
indicated like this  ,small caps        
capitalized ,,like ,,this  ,other than  
corrections listed below1 inconsistent  
spellings and other anomalies are as in 
original4    p4 #e withuot corrected to 
without   p4 #ac double word heard      
corrected   p4 #ba there corrected to   
their   p4 #bb closing quotation mark   
added to block quotation   p4 #bg sermom
 corrected to sermon   p4 #dc fluctating
 corrected to fluctuating   p4 #di      

unmindul corrected to unmindful   p4 #ej
 missing comma supplied after one who is
 neither   p4 #ej similiar corrected to 
similar   p4 #ej supenderless corrected 
to suspenderless   p4 #ec quotation mark
 supplied after superficial observer4   
p4 #ef four and-twenty corrected to     
four-and-twenty   p4 #fa repectability  
corrected to respectability   p4 #fb    
uneviable corrected to unenviable   p4  
#gj digusting corrected to disgusting   
p4 #gc you corrected to your   p4 #gf   
alllowed corrected to allowed   p4 #gf  
canibals corrected to cannibals   p4 #gg
 you knife corrected to your knife   p4 
#hc superfluous comma removed in very1  
large   p4 #hd missing a supplied in    
find good carver   p4 #ajh period       
supplied after each other at a party    
p4 #aae entranc corrected to entrance   
p4 #aae final period supplied in        
footnote   p4 #abe final period supplied
 after been afforded them   p4 #adf     
judicioulsy corrected to judiciously    
p4 #adh unless he intimate corrected to 

unless he intimates   p4 #adh           
intercourse it desired corrected to     
intercourse is desired   p4 #adi double 
word to corrected   p4 #aea departmemt  
corrected to department   p4 #aea       
husbands should at start of sentence    
capitalized   p4 #aeh digusting         
corrected to disgusting   p4 #aei       
thought it is corrected to though it is 
p4 #afa double word call corrected