,,mr4 ,,punch ,,in ,,bohemia ,,punch ,,library ,,of ,,humour ,edited by ,j4 ,a4 ,,hammerton ,designed to provide in a series of volumes1 each complete in itself1 the cream of our national humour1 contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to ,punch1 from its beginning in #ahda to the present day4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,mr4 ,,punch ,,in ,,bohemia ,illustration 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,shakspeare ,,illustrated ,tedious as a twice-told tale1 ,vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man4 ,king ,john4 ,act ,,iii41 ,sc4 #d4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,mr4 ,,punch ,,in ,,bohemia ,,or ,,the ,,lighter ,,side ,,of ,,literary1 ,,artistic ,,and ,,professional ,,life ,illustration ,,as ,,pictured ,,by ,,phil ,,may1 ,,charles ,,keene1 ,,george ,,du ,,maurier1 ,,dudley ,,hardy1 ,,fred ,,pegram1 ,f4 ,h4 ,,townsend1 ,,lewis ,,baumer1 ,l4 ,,raven-,,hill1 ,j4 ,,bernard ,,partridge1 ,e4 ,t4 ,,reed1 ,h4 ,m4 ,,brock1 ,c4 ,e4 ,,brock1 ,,tom ,,browne1 ,,gunning ,,king1 ,,harry ,,furniss1 ,a4 ,,wallis ,,mills1 ,g4 ,l4 ,,stampa1 ,,and ,,others #aef ,,illustrations ,,published ,,by ,,arrangement ,,with ,,the ,,proprietors ,,of ,,punch ,,the ,,educational ,,book ,,co4 ,,ltd4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,punch ,,library ,,of ,,humour ,twenty-five ,volumes1 crown #hvo1 #aib pages fully illustrated ,,life ,,in ,,london ,,country ,,life ,,in ,,the ,,highlands ,,scottish ,,humour ,,irish ,,humour ,,cockney ,,humour ,,in ,,society ,,after ,,dinner ,,stories ,,in ,,bohemia ,,at ,,the ,,play ,,mr4 ,,punch ,,at ,,home ,,on ,,the ,,continong ,,railway ,,book ,,at ,,the ,,seaside ,,mr4 ,,punch ,,afloat ,,in ,,the ,,hunting ,,field ,,mr4 ,,punch ,,on ,,tour ,,with ,,rod ,,and ,,gun ,,mr4 ,,punch ,,awheel ,,book ,,of ,,sports ,,golf ,,stories ,,in ,,wig ,,and ,,gown ,,on ,,the ,,warpath ,,book ,,of ,,love ,,with ,,the ,,children ,illustration 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,way ,,to ,,bohemia ,illustration ,time was when ,bohemianism was synonymous with soiled linen and unkempt locks4 ,but those days of the ragged ,bohemia have happily passed away1 and that land of unconventional life--which had finally grown conventional in its characteristics--has now become a sphere of influence of ,modern ,society6 ,in a word1 it is now respectable4 ,there are those who firmly believe it has been wiped off the social map4 ,the dress suit and the proprieties are thought by some to be incompatible with its existence4 ,but it is not so2 the new ,bohemia is surely no less delightful than the old4 ,the way to it is through the doors of almost any of the well-known literary and art clubs of ,london4 ,its inhabitants are our artists1 our men of letters1 our musicians1 and1 above all1 our actors4 ,in the present volume we are under the guidance of ,mr4 ,punch1 himself the very flower of ,london's ,bohemia1 into this land of light-hearted laughter and the free-and-easy manner of living4 ,we shall follow him chiefly through the haunts of the knights of the pen and pencil1 as we have another engagement to spend some agreeable hours with him in the theatrical and musical world4 ,it should be noted1 however1 that we shall not be limited to what has been called ,upper ,bohemia1 but that we shall1 thanks to his vast experience1 be able to peep both at the old and new4 ,easily first amongst the artists who have depicted the humours of ,bohemia is ,phil ,may4 ,keene and ,du ,maurier run him close1 but their ,bohemia is on the whole more artistic1 less breezily1 raggedly1 hungrily unconventional than his4 ,it is a subject that has inspired him with some of his best jokes1 and some of his finest drawings4 ,illustration 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration ,,mr4 ,,punch ,,in ,,bohemia ,,the ,,invalid ,,author4--,wife4 ,why1 nurse is reading a book1 darling6 ,who gave it her8 ,husband4 ,i did1 my dear4 ,wife4 ,what book is it8 ,husband4 ,it's my last4 ,wife4 ,darling6 ,when you knew how important it is that she shouldn't go to sleep6 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,bookworm',s ,,observation4--,when a man has got turned of #gj1 he is in the appendix of life4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,table ,,of ,,contents4--,the dinner table4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,grub ,,and ,,the ,,butterfly ,i4 ,all right1 sir4 ,i'll just wash 'er face1 sir1 and then she shall come round to your stoodio1 sir4 ,,ii4 ,here's a little girl come for you1 sir6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,punch',s ,,proverbs ,most sticks have two ends1 and a muff gets hold of the wrong one4 ,the good boy studies his lesson2 the bad boy gets it4 ,if sixpence were sunshine1 it would never be lost in the giving4 ,the man that is happy in all things will rejoice in potatoes4 ,three removes are better than a dessert4 ,dinner deferred maketh the hungry man mad4 ,bacon without liver is food for the mind4 ,forty winks or five million is one sleep4 ,you don't go to the ,mansion ,house for skilligolee4 ,three may keep counsel if they retain a barrister4 ,what is done cannot be underdone4 ,you can't make a pair of shoes out of a pig's tail4 ,dinner hour is worth every other1 except bedtime4 ,no hairdresser puts grease into a wise man's head4 ,an upright judge for a downright rogue4 ,happiness is the hindmost horse in the ,derby4 ,look before you sit4 ,bear and forebear is ,bruin and tripe4 ,believe twice as much as you hear of a lady's age4 ,content is the conjuror that turns mock-turtle into real4 ,there is no one who perseveres in well-doing like a thorough humbug4 ,the loosest fish that drinks is tight4 ,education won't polish boots4 ,experience is the mother of gumption4 ,half-a-crown is better than no bribe4 ,utopia hath no law4 ,there is no cruelty in whipping cream4 ,care will kill a cat2 carelessness a ,christian4 ,he who lights his candle at both ends1 spills grease4 ,keep your jokes to yourself1 and repeat other people's4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,best ,,text-,,book ,,for ,,pugilists4--,knox on anatomy4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,acrobats' ,,tipple4--,champagne in tumblers4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,what ,,our ,,artist ,,has ,,to ,,put ,,up ,,with4--,fond ,mother4 ,i do wish you would look over some of my little boy's sketches1 and give me your candid opinion on them4 ,they strike me as perfectly marvellous for one so young4 ,the other day he drew a horse and cart1 and1 ,i can assure you1 you could scarcely tell the difference4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,our ,,smoking ,,concert ,irate ,member4 ,well1 ,i'll take my oath ,i came in a hat6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,editors ,editors1 behind their officialism1 are human just like other folks1 for they think and they work1 they laugh and they play1 they marry--just as others do4 ,the best of them are brimful of human nature1 sympathetic and kindly1 and full of the zest of life and its merry ways4--,round ,about4 ,to look at1 the ordinary editor is so like a human being that it takes an expert to tell the difference4 ,when quite young they make excellent pets1 but for some strange reason people never confess that they have editors in the house4 ,marriage is not uncommon among editors1 and monogamy is the rule rather than the exception4 ,the chief hobby of an editor is the collection of stamped addressed envelopes1 which are sent to him in large numbers4 ,no one knows why he should want so many of these1 but we believe he is under the impression that by collecting a million of them he will be able to get a child into some hospital4 ,of course in these enlightened days it is illegal to shoot editors1 while to destroy their young is tantamount to murder4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,country ,cousin 7looking at ,index of ,r4 ,a4 ,catalogue74 ,uncle1 what does #a1 #c1 #f1 #h1 after a man's name1 mean8 ,uncle 7who has been dragged there much against his will74 ,eh6 ,what8 #a1 #c---- ,oh1 ,telephone number6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,in ,,the ,,artist',s ,,room4--,potztausend4 ,my friend1 it is kolossal6 most remark-worthy6 ,you remind me on ,rubinstein2 but you are better as he4 ,pianist 7pleased74 ,indeed6 ,how8 ,potztausend4 ,in de bersbiration4 ,my friend ,rubinstein could never bersbire so moch6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,brothers ,,in ,,art4--,new ,arrival4 ,what should ,i charge for teaching ze pianoforte8 ,old ,stager4 ,oh1 ,i don't know4 ,n4 ,a4 ,vell1 tell me vot you charge4 ,o4 ,s4 ,i charge five guineas a lesson4 ,n4 ,a4 ,himmel6 how many pupils have you got8 ,o4 ,s4 ,oh1 ,i have no pupils6 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,division ,,of ,,labour ,journalism4--,gentleman 7barrister7 offers furnished bedroom in comfortable1 cheerful chambers in ,temple in return for equivalent journalistic assistance1 c4--,times4 ,the equivalent is rather a nice point4 ,mr4 ,punch suggests for other gentlemen barristers the following table of equivalence3-- #a furnished bedroom4 #a introduction 7by letter7 to sub-editor of daily paper4 #a furnished bedroom #a introduction 7personal7 to with use of bath4 sub-editor4 #a introduction and interview #a bed-sitting-room4 7five minutes guaranteed7 with editor4 #b furnished rooms4 #a lunch 7cold7 with ,dr4 ,robertson ,nicoll4 #b furnished rooms1 with #a lunch 7hot7 with ,dr4 ,nicoll use of bath4 and ,claudius ,clear4 #a furnished flat1 with #a bridge night with ,lord all modern conveniences1 ,northcliffe1 ,sir ,george electric light1 ,newnes1 and ,mr4 ,c4 ,a4 trams to the corner1 c4 ,pearson4 99 99 99 99 99 ,when is an author most likely to be sick of his own writing8 ,when he's regularly in the swing4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,drink ,,to ,,me ,,only ,,with ,,thine ,,eyes ,,songs ,,and ,,their ,,singers 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,little ,griggs 7to caricaturist74 ,by ,jove1 old feller1 ,i wish you'd been with me this morning2 you'd have seen such a funny looking chap6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 7,model wishing to say something pleasant47 ,you must have painted uncommonly well when you were young6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,dinner ,,and ,,dress4--,full dress is not incompatible with low dress4 ,at dinner it is not generally the roast or the boiled that are not dressed enough4 ,if young men are raw1 that does not much signify but it is not nice to see girls underdone4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,cheap ,,bath4--,a farthing dip4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,light ,,dues4--,photographers' charges4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,lettered ,,ease4--,the catalogue of the ,british ,museum4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,professional ,,view ,,of ,,things4--,trecalfe1 our bookseller1 who has recently got married1 says of his wife1 that he feels that her life is bound up in his4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,tavern ,,wine ,,measure #b sips make #a glass4 #b glasses make #a pint4 #b pints makes #a quart bottle4 #a bottle makes one ill4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,boarding-,,out ,,system4--,dining at the club4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,mrs4 ,mashem4 ,bull-bull and ,i have been sitting for our photographs as ',beauty and the ,beast'6 ,lord ,loreus 7a bit of a fancier74 ,yes2 he certainly is a beauty1 isn't he8 99 99 99 99 99 ,,short ,,rules ,,for ,,calculation4--,to ,find the ,value of a ,dozen ,articles4--,send them to a magazine1 and double the sum offered by the proprietor4 ,another ,way4--,send them to the butterman1 who will not only fix their value1 but their weight1 at per pound4 ,to ,find the ,value of a ,pound at any price4--,try to borrow one1 when you are desperately hard up4 99 99 99 99 99 ,member of the ,lyceum ,club4 ,have you read ,tolstoi's ,resurrection8 ,member of the ,cavalry ,club4 ,no4 ,is that the name of ,marie ,corelli's new book8 99 99 99 99 99 ,,convivial ,,toast 7,for a ,temperance ,fete7 ,,fill high3 ,drink ,l'eau4 99 99 99 99 99 ,first ,reveller 7on the following morning74 ,i say1 is it true you were the only sober man last night8 ,second ,reveller4 ,of course not6 ,first ,reveller4 ,who was1 then8 99 99 99 99 99 ,,an ,,ugly ,,bargain4--,a cheap bull-dog4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,dumas ,,craze ,brown 7who1 with his friends ,jones and ,robinson1 is in town for a week and is going it74 ,now1 ,mr4 ,costumier1 we are going to this 'ere ball1 and we want you to make us hup as the ,three ,musketeers6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,a ,,cheerful ,,prospect4--,jones4 ,i say1 ,miss ,golightly1 it's awfully good of you to accompany me1 you know4 ,if ,i've tried this song once1 ,i've tried it a dozen times--and ,i've always broken down in the third verse6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,beyond ,,praise4--,roscius4 ,but you haven't got a word of praise for anyone4 ,i should like to know who you would consider a finished artist8 ,criticus4 ,a dead one1 my boy--a dead one6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,stale ,,news ,,freshly ,,told4--,a physician cannot obtain recovery of his fees1 although he may cause the recovery of his patient4 ,dress may be seized for rent1 and a coat without cuffs may be collared by the broker4 ,a married woman can acquire nothing1 the proper tie of marriage making all she has the proper-ty of her husband4 ,you may purchase any stamp at the stamp-office1 except the stamp of a gentleman4 ,pawnbrokers take such enormous interest in their little pledges1 that if they were really pledges of affection1 the interest taken could hardly be exceeded4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,authors ,,of ,,our ,,own ,,pleasures4--,next to the pleasure of having done a good action1 there is nothing so sweet as the pleasure of having written a good article6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,change ,,for ,,the ,,better4--,when the organ nuisance shall have been swept away from our streets1 that fearful instrument of ear-piercing torture called the hurdy-gurdy will then 7thank ,parliament67 be known as the un-heardy-gurdy4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,my ,,mother ,,bids ,,me ,,bind ,,my ,,hair ,,songs ,,and ,,their ,,singers 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,few ,,golden ,,rules ,,transmuted ,,into ,,brass ,,the ,,golden ,,rule4 #a4 ,never put off till to-morrow what you can do to-day4 #b4 ,never trouble another for a trifle which you can do yourself4 #c4 ,never spend your money before you have it1 if you would make the most of your means4 #d4 ,nothing is troublesome that we do willingly4 ,,the ,,brazen ,,rule4 #a4 ,put off till to-morrow the dun who won't be done to-day4 #b4 ,when another would trouble you for a trifle1 never trouble yourself4 #c4 ,spend your money before you have it2 and when you have it1 spend it again1 for by so doing you enjoy your means twice1 instead of only once4 #d4 ,you have only to do a creditor willingly1 and he will never be troublesome4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,literary ,,pursuit4--,chasing a newspaper in a high wind4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,true ,,test4-- ,first ,screever 7stopping before a pastel in a picture dealer's window74 ,ullo ',erbert1 look 'ere6 ,chalks6 ,second ,screever4 ,ah1 very tricky1 ,i dessay4 ,but you set that chap on the pivement alongside o' you an' me1 to dror 'arf a salmon an' a nempty 'at1 an' where 'ud 'e be8 ,first ,screever4 ,ah6 ,exeunt ambo4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,musical ,,news 7,,noose74--,we perceive from a foreign paper that a criminal who has been imprisoned for a considerable period at ,presburg has acquired a complete mastery over the violin4 ,it has been announced that he will shortly make an appearance in public4 ,doubtless1 his performance will be a solo on one string4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sporting ,prophet 7playing billiards74 ,marker1 here's the tip off this cue as usual4 ,marker4 ,yes1 sir4 ,better give us one of your tips1 sir1 as they never come off4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,art ,,dogma4--,an artist's wife never admires her husband's work so much as when he is drawing her a cheque4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,united ,,effort ,,of ,,six ,,royal ,,academicians4--,what colour is it that contains several8 ,an umber 7a number74 99 99 99 99 99 ,,mem4 ,,at ,,burlington ,,house4--,a picture may be capitally executed without of necessity being well hung4 ,and vice versa4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,schism ,,to ,,be ,,approved ,,of4--,a witticism4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,excelsior6-- ,she4 ,i didn't know you were a musician1 ,herr ,mueller4 ,he4 ,a musician8 ,ach1 no--,gott vorpit6 ,i am a ,wagnerian6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,an ,,author',s ,,cry ,,of ,,agony 7,wrung from him by the repeated calls of the printer's boy7 ,oh6 that devils' visits were1 like angels'1 'few and far between6' 99 99 99 99 99 ,,riddles ,,by ,a ,,wretch4--,q4 ,what is the difference between a surgeon and a wizard8 ,a4 ,the one is a cupper and the other is a sorcerer4 ,q4 ,why is ,america like the act of reflection8 ,a4 ,because it is a roomy-nation4 ,q4 ,why is your pretty cousin like an alabaster vase8 ,a4 ,because she is an objet de looks4 ,q4 ,how is it that a man born in ,truro can never be an ,irishman8 ,a4 ,because he always is a true-,roman4 ,q4 ,why is my game cock like a bishop8 ,a4 ,because he has his crows here 7crozier74 99 99 99 99 99 ,,couplet ,,by ,a ,,cynic 7,after reading certain ,press ,comments on the ,picture ,show7 ,philistine art may stand all critic shocks ,whilst it gives private views--of pretty frocks6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,retaliation4-- ,comic ,man 7to unappreciated tenor1 whose song has just been received in stony silence74 ,i say1 you're not going to sing an encore1 are you8 ,unappreciated ,tenor 7firmly74 ,yes1 ,i am4 ,serve them right6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,an ,,inducement4-- ,swedish ,exercise ,instructress4 ,now1 ladies1 if you will only follow my directions carefully1 it is quite possible that you may become even as ,i am6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,more ,,swedish ,,instruction4-- ,instructress 7to exhausted class1 who have been hopping round room for some time74 ,come6 ,come6 ,that won't do at all4 ,you must look cheerful4 ,keep smiling--smiling all the time6 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,batch ,,of ,,proofs ,the proof of a pudding is in the eating3 ,the proof of a woman is in making a pudding2 ,and the proof of a man is in being able to dine without one4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,reflection ,,on ,,literature4--,it is a well-authenticated fact1 that the name of a book has a great deal to do with its sale and its success4 ,how strange that titles should go for so much in the republic of letters4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,motto ,,for ,,the ,,rejected ,,at ,,the ,,royal ,,academy 7suggested by one of the ,forty74--,hanging's too good for them6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,suggestion ,,for ,a ,,music-,,hall ,,song 7to suit any ,lionne ,comique74--,wink at me only with one eye1 c41 c4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,ample ,,grounds ,,for ,,complaint4--,finding the grounds of your coffee to consist of nothing but chicory4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,smiling ,,countenance is ,the happy mien4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,publisher 7impatiently74 ,well1 sir1 what is it8 ,poet 7timidly74 ,o--er--are you ,mr4 ,jobson8 ,publisher 7irritably74 ,yes4 ,poet 7more timidly74 ,mr4 ,george ,jobson8 ,publisher 7excitably74 ,yes1 sir1 that's my name4 ,poet 7more timidly still74 ,of the firm of ,messrs4 ,jobson and ,doodle8 ,publisher 7angrily74 ,yes4 ,what do you want8 ,poet ,oh--,i want to see ,mr4 ,doodle6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,our ,,orchestral ,,society4--,the ,rector4 ,oh1 piano1 ,mr4 ,brown6 ,pi-an-o6 ,mr4 ,brown4 ,piano be blowed6 ,i've come here to enjoy myself6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,customer4--,have you ',how to be happy though married'8 ,bookseller4 ,no1 sir4 ,we have run out at present of the work you mention2 but we are selling this little book by the hundred4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,letter ,,to ,a ,,young ,,publisher ,since1 my dear ,jones1 you are good enough to ask for my advice1 need ,i say that your success in business will depend chiefly upon judicious advertisement8 ,you are bringing out1 ,i understand1 a thrilling story of domestic life1 entitled ,maria's ,marriage4 ,already1 ,i am glad to learn1 you have caused a paragraph to appear in the literary journals contradicting the widespread report that ,mr4 ,kipling and the ,german ,emperor have collaborated in the production of this novel1 the appearance of which is awaited with such extraordinary interest4 ,and you have induced a number of papers to give prominence to the fact that ,mr4 ,penwiper dines daily off curry and clotted cream4 ,so far1 so good4 ,your next step will be to send out review-copies1 together with ready-made laudatory criticisms2 in order1 as you will explain1 to save the hard worked reviewers trouble4 ,but1 you will say1 supposing this ingenious device to fail8 ,supposing ,maria's ,marriage to be universally slated8 ,well1 even then you need not despair4 ,with a little practice1 you will learn the art of manufacturing an attractive advertisement column from the most unpromising material4 ,let me give you a brief example of the method3-- ,i4--,,the ,,raw ,,material4 ,mr4 ,penwiper's latest production1 ',maria's ,marriage1' scarcely calls for serious notice4 ,it seems hard to believe that even the most tolerant reader will contrive to study with attention a work of which every page contains glaring errors of taste4 ,humour1 smartness1 and interest are all conspicuously wanting4--,the ,thunderer4 ,this book is undeniably third-rate--dull1 badly-written1 incoherent2 in fine1 a dismal failure4--,the ,wigwam4 ,if ',maria's ,marriage' has any real merit1 it is as an object-lesson to aspiring authors4 ,here1 we would say to them1 is a striking example of the way in which romance should not be written4 ,set yourself to produce a work exactly its opposite in every particular1 and the chances are that you will produce1 if not a masterpiece1 at least1 a tale free from the most glaring faults4 ,for the terrible warning thus afforded by his volume to budding writers1 ,mr4 ,penwiper deserves to be heartily thanked4--,daily ,telephone4 ',maria's ,marriage' is another book that we have received in the course of the month4--,the ,parachute4 ,,ii4--,,the ,,result4 ,maria's ,marriage6 ,maria's ,marriage6 ,gigantic ,success--,the ,talk of ,london4 ,the #bith edition will be issued this week if the sale of twenty-eight previous ones makes this necessary4 ,each edition is strictly limited6 ,maria's ,marriage6 ,the voice of the ,press is simply unanimous4 ,read the following extracts--taken almost at random from the reviews of leading papers4 ,mr4 ,penwiper's latest production 444 calls for serious notice 444 the reader will 444 study with attention a work of which every page contains taste1 humour1 smartness and interest6--,the ,thunderer4 ,undeniably 444 fine6--,the ,wigwam4 ,has 444 real merit 444 an object lesson 444 a striking example of the way in which romance 444 should be written4 ,a masterpiece 444 free from faults4 ,mr4 ,penwiper deserves to be heartily thanked4--,daily ,telephone4 ,the book 444 of the month6--,the ,parachute1 c41 c4 ,maria's ,marriage6 ,a veritable triumph6 ,order it from your bookseller to-day6 ,that1 my dear ,jones1 is how the trick is done4 ,i hope to give you some further hints on a future occasion4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,pray1 ,,after ,,you1 as the glass of water said to the pill4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,truism ,,for ,,teetotalers4--,when a man is out of spirits--he should take wine4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,needless ,,question4--,do you want a loan8 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,british ,,public4--,the beer-shop4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,morning ,,envelopes4--,dressing gowns4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,operator 7desperately1 after half an hour's fruitless endeavour to make a successful picture from unpromising sitter74 ,suppose1 madam1 we try a pose with just the least suggestion of--er--sauciness8 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,gushing ,,hospitality4 7,time #c p4m474--,hospitable ,host4 ,have c'gar1 old f'lla8 ,languid ,visitor4 ,no--thanks4 ,h4 ,h4 ,cigarette then8 ,his ,visitor4 ,no--thanks4 ,nevar smoke 'mejately after breakfast4 ,h4 ,h4 ,can't refuse a toothpick1 then1 old f'lla8 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,proportions4--,buyer4 ,in future1 as my collection increases1 and my wall-space is limited1 and price no object1 perhaps you would let me have a little more 'picture1' and a little less 'mount'6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,ingenuous6--,jones 7to his fair partner1 after their opponents have declared clubs74 ,shall ,i play to 'clubs'1 partner8 ,fair ,partner 7who has never played bridge before74 ,oh1 no1 please don't1 ,mr4 ,jones4 ,i've only got two little ones4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,she4 ,and are all these lovely things about which you write imaginary8 ,the ,poet4 ,oh1 no1 ,miss ,ethel4 ,i have only to open my eyes and ,i see something beautiful before me4 ,she4 ,oh1 how ,i wish ,i could say the same6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,at ,,the ,r4,a4--,first ,painter4 ,i've just been showing my aunt round4 ,most amusing4 ,invariably picks out the wrong pictures to admire and denounces the good ones6 ,second ,painter4 ,did she say anything about mine8 ,first ,painter4 ,oh1 she liked yours6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,i say1 old man1 ,i've invented a new drink4 ,big success6 ,come and try it4 ,what's it made of8 ,well1 it's something like the ordinary whisky and soda1 but you put more whisky in it6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,a ,,prophet ,,in ,,his ,,own ,,country ,sylvia4 ,i wonder whether he'll be a soldier or a sailor8 ,mamma4 ,wouldn't you like him to be an artist1 like papa8 ,sylvia4 ,oh1 one in the family's quite enough6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,bitter ,,end4--,the last half inch of a halfpenny cigar4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,worst ,,possible ,,name ,,for ,,an ,,author4--,dr4 ,dozy4 99 99 99 99 99 ,why oughtn't a boot and shoemaker to be trusted8 ,because he's a slippery customer4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,race ,,for ,,wealth4--,jews4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,basso ,,profondo4--,a deep draught of bitter beer4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,exercise ,,for ,,city ,,clerks4--,a run on a ,bank4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,passing ,,the ,,time4--,going by a clock4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,coming off with flying colours 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,thy ,,face ,,songs ,,and ,,their ,,singers 99 99 99 99 99 ,,literary ,,notes ,a well-known diner-out has1 we learn1 collected his reminiscences1 and would be glad to hear from some obliging gentleman or gentlemen who would earnestly request him to publish them4 ,we should add that no names would be mentioned1 the preface merely opening as follows3-- ,although these stray gleanings of past years are of but ephemeral value1 and though they were collected with no thought of publication1 the writer at the earnest request of a friend 7or many friends1 if more than one7 has reluctantly consented to give his scattered reminiscences to the world4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the following volumes in ,the ,biter ,bit series are announced as shortly to appear3-- ,the ,fighter ,fit2 or practical hints on pugilistic training4 ,the ,lighter ,lit3 a treatise on the illumination of ,thames barges4 ,the ,slighter ,slit3 or a new and economical method of cutting out4 ,the ,tighter ,tit3 studies in the comparative inebriation of birds4 ,illustration3 ,some fine form was exhibited ,illustration3 ,a two-figure break ,illustration3 ,a heat of #ejj up ,illustration3 ,finishing the game with a cannon ,illustration3 ,opening with the customary miss ,illustration3 ,spot barred ,,billiard ,,notes ,,by ,,dumb-,,crambo 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,sending-,,in-,,day ,,at ,,the ,r4 ,a4 ,but it is impossible for you to see the ,president4 ,what do you want to see him for8 ,i want to show him exactly where ,i want my picture hung4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,millionaire4 ,yes2 ,i'm awful partial to picters4 ,why1 bless yer1 ,i've got cellars full of 'em6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,exhibition ,infuriated ,outsider4 ,r-r-r-rejected1 sir6----,fwanospace1 sir6 7,with withering emphasis47 ',want--of--space--sir66 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,look here1 ,schlumpenhagen1 you must help us at our smoking concert4 ,you play the flute1 don't you8 ,not ven dere ish anypotty apout4 ,how's that8 ,dey von't let me6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,rochefoucauldiana ,there is no sympathy in ,england so universally felt1 so largely expressed1 as for a person who is likely to catch cold4 99 99 99 99 99 ,when a person loses his reputation1 the very last place where he goes to look for it is the place where he has lost it4 99 99 99 99 99 ,no gift so fatal as that of singing4 ,the principal question asked1 upon insuring a man's life1 should be1 ,do you sing a good song8 99 99 99 99 99 ,many of us are led by our vices1 but a great many more of us follow them without any leading at all4 99 99 99 99 99 ,to show how deceptive are appearances1 more gentlemen are mistaken for waiters1 than waiters for gentlemen4 99 99 99 99 99 ,to a retired tradesman there can be no greater convenience than that of having a short sight4 ,in truth1 wealth rarely improves the vision4 ,poverty1 on the contrary1 strengthens it4 ,a man1 when he is poor1 is able to discover objects at the greatest distance with the naked eye1 which he could not see1 though standing close to his elbow1 when he was rich4 99 99 99 99 99 ,if you wish to set a room full of silent people off talking1 get some one to sing a song4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the bore is happy enough in boring others1 but is never so miserable as when left alone1 when there is no one but himself to bore4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the contradictions of this life are wonderful4 ,many a man1 who hasn't the courage to say no1 never misses taking a shower-bath every morning of his life4 99 99 99 99 99 ,if you wish to borrow ,l#e ask for ,l#aj4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,what ,,brown ,,said ,,scene--,hall of the ,elysium ,club ,enter ,smith1 ,f4,r4,s41 meeting ,brown1 ,q4,c4 ,smith4 ,raw day1 eh8 ,brown4 ,very raw4 ,glad when it's done4 ,exit ,brown1 ,q4,c4 ,exit ,smith1 ,f4,r4,s41 into smoking-room1 where he tells a good thing that ,brown said4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,at ,,the ,,academy ,miss ,jones4 ,how came you to think of the subject1 ,mr4 de ,brush8 ,eccentric ,artist4 ,oh1 ,i have had it in my head for years6 ,miss ,jones4 ,how wonderful6 ,what did the papers say8 ,eccentric ,artist4 ,said it was full of 'atmosphere1' and suggested 'space4' 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,intelligent6--,artist 7who thinks he has found a good model for his ,touchstone74 ,have you any sense of humour1 ,mr4 ,bingles8 ,model4 ,thank y' sir1 no1 sir1 thank y'4 ,i enj'ys pretty good 'ealth1 sir1 thank y' sir6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,perils ,,of ,a ,,conversazione ,miss ,fillip 7to gentleman whose name she did not catch when introduced74 ,have you read ,a ,modern ,heliogabolus8 ,he4 ,yes1 ,i have4 ,miss ,f4 ,all through8 ,he4 ,yes1 from beginning to end4 ,miss ,f4 ,dear me6 ,i wonder you're alive6 ,how did you manage to get through it8 ,he 7diffidently74 ,unfortunately1 ,i wrote it4 ,miss ,f4 catches a distant friend's eye4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,sound ,,sleeper',s ,,paradise4--,snoring4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,patent ,,night-,,lights4--,stars4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,epitaph ,,on ,a ,,champion ,,billiard ,,player4--,taking his long rest4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,toned ,,paper4--,sheets of music4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,item ,,on ,a ,,menu ,,of ,,literary ,,pabulum4--,shakspeare and ,bacon4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,race ,,glasses4--,champagne4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,maid ,,of ,,the ,,mill4--,a lady boxer4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,sentiment4--7,artistic-minded ,youth in midst of a fierce harangue from his father1 who is growing hotter and redder74 ,by ,jove1 that's a fine bit of colour1 if you like6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,what an ass old ,brown is6 ,oh1 ,i don't know4 ,he's got far more brains than appear on the surface4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,art-,master 7who has sent for a cab1 pointing to horse74 ,what do you call that8 ,cabby4 ,an 'orse1 sir4 ,art-,master4 ,a horse6 ,rub it out1 and do it again6 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,parcel ,,of ,,proverbs1 c4 ,,completed ,take time by the forelock--to have his hair cut4 ,follow your leader--in your daily paper4 ,the proof of the pudding is in the eating--a great deal of it4 ,never look a gift-horse in the mouth--lest you should find false teeth4 ,the hare with many friends--was eaten at last4 ,a stitch in time saves nine--or more naughty words1 when a button comes off while you are dressing in a great hurry for dinner4 ,one man's meat is another man's poison--when badly cooked4 ,don't count your chickens before they are hatched--by the patent incubator4 ,love is blind--and unwilling to submit to an operation4 ,first catch your hare--then cook it with rich gravy4 ,nil ,desperandum--,,percy ,,vere4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,non-,,committal4-- ,scene3 ,fashionable ,auction ,rooms4 ,a ,picture ,sale4-- ,amateur ,collector 7after taking advice of ,expert ,no4 #a1 addresses ,expert ,no4 #b74 ,what do you think of the picture8 ,i am advised to buy it4 ,is it not a fine ,titian8 ,expert ,no4 #b 7wishing to please both parties74 ,i don't think you can go far wrong1 for anyhow1 if it isn't a ,titian it's a repe-tition4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,another ,,parcel ,,of ,,proverbs ,if the cap fits1 wear it--out4 ,six of one1 and half-a-dozen of the other--make exactly twelve4 ,none so deaf as those who won't hear--hear6 hear6 ,faint heart never won fair lady--nor dark one either4 ,civility costs nothing--nay1 is something to your credit4 ,the best of friends must part--their hair4 ,any port in a storm--but old port preferred4 ,one good turn deserves another--in waltzing4 ,youth at the prow and pleasure at the helm--very sea-sick4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,leading ,,strings4--,those of a first violin in an orchestra4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,tobacco ,,stoppers4--,men who stay to smoke4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,smoker',s ,,proverb4--,it's an ill weed that blows nobody any good4 ,a ,,tidy ,,drink4--,neat brandy4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,amateur ,minimus ,poet 7who has called at the office twice a week for three months74 ,could you use a little poem of mine8 ,editor 7ruthlessly determined that this shall be his final visit74 ,oh1 ,i think so4 ,there are two or three broken panes of glass1 and a hole in the skylight4 ,how large is it8 99 99 99 99 99 ,,motto ,,for ,a ,,sub-,,editor4--,aut scissors1 aut nullus4 99 99 99 99 99 ,to find the value of a ,cook4--,divide the services rendered by the wages paid2 deduct the kitchen stuff1 subtract the cold meat by finding how often three policemen will go into one area1 and the quotient will help you to the result4 ,to find the value of a ,friend4--,ask him to put his name to a bill4 ,to find the value of ,time4--,travel by a ,bayswater omnibus4 ,to find the value of ,eau de ,cologne4--,walk into ,smithfield market4 ,to find the value of ,patience4--,consult ,bradshaw's ,guide to ascertain the time of starting of a railway train4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,note ,,by ,a ,,social ,,cynic4--,they may abolish the push stroke at billiards1 but they'll never do so in society4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,from ,,our ,,own ,,irrepressible ,,one 7still dodging custody74--,q4 ,why is a daily paper like a lamb8 ,a4 ,because it is always folded4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,duty ,,before ,,pleasure4--,hostess 7to new ,curate74 ,we seem to be talking of nothing but horses1 ,mr4 ,soothern4 ,are you much of a sportsman8 ,curate4 ,really1 ,lady ,betty1 ,i don't think ,i ought to say that ,i am4 ,i used to collect butterflies2 but ,i have to give up even that now6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,shakspeare ,,illustrated ,the gods confound thee6 ,dost thou hold there still8 ,antony and ,cleopatra1 ,act ,,ii41 ,sc4 #e4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,still ,,waters4--,whiskies4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,art ,,criticism4--,in too many pictures the colour is medi-ocre4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,advertiser',s ,,paradise4--,puffin ,island4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,musical ,,burglar4--,one who breaks into a tune4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,he ,,knew ,,his ,,work ,proprietor of ,travelling ,menagerie4 ,are you used to looking after horses and other animals8 ,applicant for ,job4 ,yessir4 ,been used to 'orses all my life4 ,p4 ,o4 ,t4 ,m4 ,what steps would you take if a lion got loose8 ,a4 ,f4 ,j4 ,good long 'uns1 mister6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,may ,,be ,,heard ,,everywhere4--,songs without words--a remarkable performance2 but perhaps a still more wonderful feat is playing upon words4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,substitutes ,,for ,,profane ,,swearing 7,adapted to various ,sorts and ,conditions of ,men7 ,lawyer4 ,tax my bill4 ,doctor4 ,dash my draughts4 ,soldier4 ,snap my stock4 ,parson4 ,starch my surplice4 ,bricklayer4 ,i'll be plastered4 ,bricklayer's ,labourer4 ,chop my hod4 ,carpenter4 ,saw me4 ,plumber and ,glazier4 ,solder my pipes4 ,smash my panes4 ,painter4 ,i'm daubed4 ,brewer4 ,i'm mashed4 ,engineer4 ,burst my boiler4 ,stoker4 ,souse my coke4 ,costermonger4 ,rot my taturs4 ,dramatic ,author4 ,steal my ,french ,dictionary4 ,actor4 ,i'll be hissed4 ,tailor4 ,cut me out4 ,cook my goose4 ,linendraper4 ,soil my silks4 ,sell me off4 ,grocer4 ,squash my figs4 ,sand my sugar4 ,seize my scales4 ,baker4 ,knead my dough4 ,scorch my muffins4 ,auctioneer4 ,knock me down4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,players ,,are ,,come6--,first ,player 7who has had a run of ill-luck74 ,i'm regularly haunted by the recollection of my losses at baccarat4 ,second ,player4 ,quite ,shakespearian6 ,banco's ghost4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,something ,,to ,,live ,,for4--7,from the ,literary ,club ,smoking-room47 ,cynicus4 ,i'm waiting till my friends are dead1 in order to write my reminiscences8 ,amicus4 ,ah1 but remember4 ,de mortuis nil nisi bonum4 ,cynicus4 ,quite so4 ,i shall tell nothing but exceedingly good stories about them4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,contradiction4--,in picture exhibitions1 the observant spectator is struck by the fact that works hung on the line are too often below the mark4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,light ,,repast4--,a feast of lanterns4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,r4 ,a4 ,,gems4--,fair ,amateur 7to carpenter74 ,my picture is quite hidden with that horrid ticket on it4 ,can't you fix it on the frame8 ,carpenter4 ,why1 you'll spoil the frame1 mum6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,jones4 ,do you drink between meals8 ,smith4 ,no4 ,i eat between drinks4 ,jones4 ,which did you do last8 ,smith4 ,drink4 ,jones4 ,then we'd better go and have a sandwich at once6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,nocturne ,,in ,,the ,,old ,,kent ,,road 99 99 99 99 99 ,,largest ,,circulation ,,in ,,the ,,world4--,the elephant's4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,worst ,,place ,,in ,,thirsty ,,weather4--,taplow4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,inscription ,,for ,,an ,,old ,,clothes ,,shop4--,nothing new4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,just ,a ,,song ,,at ,,twilight 7,as sung sweetly by a ,public-,house-,baritone7 99 99 99 99 99 ,,literary ,,announcement4--,in the press--yesterday's tablecloth4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,height ,,of ,,economy4--,a screw of tobacco4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,a ,,broken ,,melody ,,scene ,i4--,street ,singer4 ,i fear no foe in shining ar----4 ,illustration3 ,a ,,broken ,,melody ,,scene ,,ii4--,enter policeman4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,quick ,,grub ,,street ,,co4 ,,the ,,quick ,,grub ,,street ,,co4 ,,beg ,,to ,,announce ,,that ,,they ,,have ,,opened ,,an ,,establishment ,,for ,,the ,,supply ,,of ,,literature ,,in ,,all ,,its ,,branches4 ,every ,editor should send for our ,prices and compare them with those of other houses4 ,,poetry ,,department4 ,we employ experienced poets for the supply of garden verses1 war songs1 c41 and undertake to fill any order within twenty-four hours of its reaching us4 ,our ,mr4 ,rhymeesi will be glad to wait upon parties requiring verse of any description1 and1 if the matter is at all urgent1 to execute the order on the spot4 ,,drama ,,department4 ,actor-managers before going elsewhere should give us a call4 ,our plays draw wherever they are presented1 even if it is only bricks4 ,testimonial4--,a manager writes3 ,the play you kindly supplied1 ,the ,blue ,bloodhound of ,bletchley1 is universally admitted to be unlike anything ever before produced on the stage4 ,musical comedies 7guaranteed absolutely free from plot7 supplied on shortest notice4 ,,fiction ,,department4 ,for society dialogues we use the very best duchesses2 while a first-class earl's daughter is retained for ,court and gala opera4 ,for our new line of vie intime we employ none but valets and confidential maids1 who have to serve an apprenticeship with ,p4,a4,p4 ,,the ,,kailyard ,,department is always up-to-date1 and our ,mr4 ,stickit will be pleased to call on any editor on receipt of post-card4 ,n4,b4--,we guarantee our ,scotch ,idyll to be absolutely unintelligible to any ,english reader1 and undertake to refund money if it can be proved that such is not the case4 ,our speciality1 however1 is our ,six-,shilling ,shocker1 as sold for serial purposes4 ,editors with papers that won't go should ask for one of these4 ,when ordering please state general idea required under one of our recognised sections1 as foreign office1 police1 mounted infantry1 cowardice1 ,rome1 c41 c4 ,,biography4 ,any gentleman wishing to have a biography of himself produced in anticipation of his decease should communicate with us4 ,the work would1 of course1 be published with a note to the effect that the writing had been a labour of love2 that moreover the subject with his usual modesty had been averse from the idea of a biography4 ,testimonial4--,sir ,sunny ,jameson writes3 ,the ,life gives great satisfaction4 ,no reference made1 however1 to my munificent gift of ,l#ej to the ,referees' ,hospital4 ,this should be remedied in the next edition4 ,the work1 however1 has been excellently done4 ,you have made me out to be better than even ,i ever thought myself4 ,for love letters1 ,for the ,elizabethan vogue1 ,for every description of garden meditations1 ,give the ,quick ,grub ,street ,company a trial4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,a ,,soft ,,answer4--,papa 7literary1 who has given orders he is not to be disturbed74 ,who is it8 ,little ,daughter4 ,scarcely anybody1 dear papa6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,secrets ,,of ,,literary ,,composition ,the ,fair ,authoress of ,passionate ,pauline1 gazing fondly at her own reflection1 writes as follows3-- ,i look into the glass1 reader4 ,what do ,i see8 ,i see a pair of laughing1 espiegle1 forget-me-not blue eyes1 saucy and defiant2 a mutine little rose-bud of a mouth1 with its ever-mocking moue2 a tiny shell-like ear1 trying to play hide-and-seek in a tangled maze of rebellious russet gold2 while1 from underneath the satin folds of a rose-the dressing-gown1 a dainty foot peeps coyly forth in its exquisitely-pointed gold morocco slipper1 c41 c4 7,vide ,passionate ,pauline1 by ,parbleu47 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,a ,,distinction ,first ,gourmet4 ,that was ,mr4 ,dobbs ,i just nodded to4 ,second ,gourmet4 ,i know4 ,first ,g4 ,he asked me to dine at his house next ,thursday--but ,i can't4 ,ever dined at ,dobbs's8 ,second ,g4 ,no4 ,never dined4 ,but ,i've been there to dinner6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,auctioneer4 ,lot #eb4 ,a genuine ,turner4 ,painted during the artist's lifetime4 ,what offers1 gentlemen8 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,millionaire 7who has been shown into fashionable artist's studio1 and has been kept waiting a few minutes74 ,,shop6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,nonsense ,,proverbs ,,what',s in the pot mustn't be told to the pan4 ,there's a mouth for every muffin4 ,a clear soup and no flavour4 ,as drunk as a daisy4 ,all rind and no cheese4 ,set a beggar on horseback1 and he will cheat the livery-stable keeper4 ,there's a ,b in every bonnet4 ,two-and-six of one and half-a-crown of the other4 ,the insurance officer dreads a fire4 ,first catch your heir1 then hook him4 ,every plum has its pudding4 ,short pipes make long smokes4 ,it's a long lane that has no blackberries4 ,wind and weather come together4 ,a flower in the button-hole is worth two on the bush4 ,round robin is a shy bird4 ,there's a shiny lining to every hat4 ,the longest dinner will come to an end4 ,you must take the pips with the orange4 ,it's a wise dentist that knows his own teeth4 ,no rose without a gardener4 ,better to marry in ,may than not to marry at all4 ,save sovereigns1 spend guineas4 ,too many followers spoil the cook4 7,n4,b4 ,this is not nonsense47 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,profusely decorated with cuts 99 99 99 99 99 ,,said ,,at ,,the ,,academy4--,punch doesn't care who said it4 ,it was extremely rude to call the commission on capital punishments the hanging committee4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,grammar ,,of ,,art4--,art1 spell it with a big or little a1 can never come first in any well-educated person's ideas4 ,i am must have the place of honour2 then ,thou ,art6 so apostrophised1 comes next4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,scrumble4 ,been to see the old masters8 ,stippleton 7who has married money74 ,no4 ,fact is--7sotto voce7--,i've got quite enough on my hands with the old missus6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,two ,,old ,,masters ,,of ,,arts 99 99 99 99 99 ,,artist',s ,,vade ,,mecum ,question4 ,has the anxious parent been to see his child's portrait8 ,answer4 ,he has seen it4 ,q4 ,did he approve of it8 ,a4 ,he will like it better when ,i have made some slight alterations4 ,q4 ,what are they8 ,a4 ,he would like the attitude of the figure altered1 the position of the arms changed1 the face turned the other way1 the hair and eyes made a different colour1 and the expression of the mouth improved4 ,q4 ,did he make any other suggestions8 ,a4 ,yes2 he wishes to have the child's favourite pony and ,newfoundland dog put in1 with an indication of the ancestral home in the back-ground4 ,q4 ,is he willing to pay anything extra for these additions8 ,a4 ,he does not consider it necessary4 ,q4 ,are you well on with your ,academy picture8 ,a4 ,no2 but ,i began the charcoal sketch yesterday4 ,q4 ,have you secured the handsome model8 ,a4 ,no2 the handsome model has been permanently engaged by the eminent ,r4,a4 ,q4 ,under these circumstances1 do you still expect to get finished in time8 ,a4 ,yes2 ,i have been at this stage in ,february for as many years as ,i can remember1 and have generally managed to worry through somehow4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,whenever the ,reduced ,prizefighters take a benefit at a theatre1 the play should be ,the ,miller and his ,men4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,nice ,,man4--,mr4 ,swiggins was a sot4 ,he was also a sloven4 ,he never had anything neat about him but gin4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,under a great master 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,warrior ,,bold ,,songs ,,and ,,their ,,singers 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,gay ,,tom ,,tit ,,songs ,,and ,,their ,,singers 99 99 99 99 99 ,,hung1 ,,drawn1 ,,and ,,quartered4--7,mr4 ,punch's sentence on three-fourths of the ,academicians' work on the line47--,very well hung2 very ill drawn2 a great deal better quartered than it deserves4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,spirit ,,of ,,the ,,age4--,gin4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,when ,a ,,man ,,does ,,not ,,look ,,his ,,best ,when he magnanimously consents to go on the platform at a conjuring performance1 and unwonted objects are produced from his inside pockets4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,celebrated ,minor ,poet4 ,ah1 hostess1 how 'do8 ,did you get my book ,i sent you yesterday8 ,hostess4 ,delightful6 ,i couldn't sleep till ,i'd read it6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,the ,infant ,prodigy has reached the middle of an exceedingly difficult pianoforte solo1 and one of those dramatic pauses of which the celebrated composer is so fond has occurred4 ,kindly but undiscerning old ,lady4 ,play something you know1 dearie4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,at ,a ,,fencing ,,at ,,home4--,distinguished ,foreigner 7hero of a hundred duels74 ,it is delightful1 mademoiselle4 ,you ,english are a sporting nation4 ,fair ,member4 ,so glad you are enjoying it4 ,by the way1 ,monsieur le ,marquis1 have they introduced fencing into ,france yet8 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,in ,,the ,,cause ,,of ,,art4--,patron4 ,when are yer goin' to start my wife's picture and mine8 ',cause1 when the 'ouse is up we're a goin'---- ,artist4 ,oh1 ,i'll get the canvases at once1 and---- ,patron 7millionaire74 ,canvas6 ',ang it6--none o' yer canvas for me6 ,price is no objec'6 ,i can afford to pay for something better than canvas66 ,tableau6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,gratifying6--,amateur ,artist 7to the carrier74 ,did you see my picture safely delivered at the ,royal ,academy8 ,carrier4 ,yessir1 and mighty pleased they seemed to be with it--leastways1 if one may jedge1 sir4 ,they didn't say nothin'--but--lor' how they did laugh6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,artist 7who has recommended model to a friend74 ,have you been to sit to ,mr4 ,jones yet8 ,model4 ,well1 ,i've been to see him2 but directly ,i got into his studio1 ',why1' he said1 'you've got a head like a ,botticelli4' ,i don't know what a ,botticelli is1 but ,i didn't go there to be called names1 so ,i come away6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,art ,student 7engaging rooms74 ,what is that8 ,landlady4 ,that is a picture of our church done in wool by my daughter1 sir4 ,she's subject to art1 too4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,sub-,,editor',s ,,aunt ,i always buy your paper my dear ,horace1 said the old lady1 although there is much in it ,i cannot approve of4 ,but there is one thing that puzzles me extremely4 ,yes1 aunt8 said the ,sub-,editor meekly1 as he sipped his tea4 ,why1 ,i notice that the contents bill invariably has one word calculated to stimulate the morbid curiosity of the reader4 ,an adjective4 ,circulation depends upon adjectives1 said the ,sub-,editor4 ,i don't think ,i object to them1 the old lady replied2 but what ,i want you to tell me is how you choose them4 ,how do you decide whether an occurrence is 'remarkable' or 'extraordinary1' 'astounding' or 'exciting1' 'thrilling' or 'alarming1' 'sensational' or merely 'strange1' 'startling' or 'unique'8 ,what tells you which word to use8 ,well1 aunt1 we have a system to indicate the adjective to a nicety2 but---- ,my dear ,horace1 ,i will never breathe a word4 ,you should know that4 ,no one holds the secrets of the press more sacred than ,i4 ,the ,sub-,editor settled himself more comfortably in his chair4 ,you see1 aunt1 the great thing in an evening paper is human interest4 ,what we want to get is news to hit the man-in-the-street4 ,everything that we do is done for the man-in-the-street4 ,and therefore we keep safely locked up in a little room a tame man of this description4 ,he may not be much to look at1 but his sympathies are right1 unerringly right4 ,he sits there from nine till six1 and has things to eat now and then4 ,we call him the ,thrillometer4 ,how wonderful6 ,how proud you should be ,horace1 to be a part of this mighty mechanism1 the press4 ,i am1 aunt4 ,well1 the duties of the ,thrillometer are very simple4 ,directly a piece of news comes in1 it is the place of one of the ,sub-,editors to hurry to the ,thrillometer's room and read it to him4 ,i have to do this4 ,poor boy4 ,you are sadly overworked1 ,i fear4 ,yes1 aunt4 ,and while ,i read ,i watch his face4 ,long study has told me exactly what degree of interest is excited within him by the announcement4 ,i know instantly whether his expression means 'phenomenal' or only 'remarkable1' whether 'distressing' or only 'sad1' whether---- ,is there so much difference between 'distressing' and 'sad1' ,horace8 ,oh1 yes1 aunt4 ,a suicide in ,half ,moon ,street is 'distressing'2 in the ,city ,road it is only 'sad4' ,again1 a raid on a club in ,whitechapel is of no account2 but a raid on a ,west-,end club is worth three lines of large type in the bill1 above ,fry's innings4 ,do you mean a club in ,soho when you say ,west-,end8 ,yes1 aunt1 as a rule4 ,but why do you call that the ,west-,end8 ,that was the ,thrillometer's doing1 aunt4 ,he fell asleep over a club raid1 and a very good one too1 when ,i said it was in ,soho2 but when ,i told him of the next--also in ,soho1 chiefly ,italian waiters--and said it was in the ,west-,end1 his eyes nearly came out of his head4 ,so you see how useful the ,thrillometer can be4 ,most ingenious1 ,horace4 ,was this your idea8 ,yes1 aunt4 ,clever boy4 ,and have the other papers adopted it8 ,yes1 aunt4 ,all of them4 ,then you are growing rich1 ,horace8 ,no1 no1 aunt1 not at all4 ,unfortunately ,i lack the business instinct4 ,other people grow rich on my ideas4 ,in fact1 so far from being rich1 ,i was going to venture to ask you---- ,tell me more about the ,thrillometer1 said the old lady briskly4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,at ,,the ,,wrestling ,,match ,enthusiastic ,old ,gent4 ,go on1 sonny6 ,stick 'old of 's 'ead4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,going ,,to ,,the ,,bad ,all the way from the ,national ,gallery ,unto the ,royal ,academy ,as ,i walked1 ,i was guilty of raillery1 ,which ,i felt was very bad o' me4 ,thinking of art's disasters1 ,still sinking to deeper abysses1 ,i said1 ,from the ,old ,masters ,why go to the new misses8 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,prehistoric ,,peeps ,a visit to an artist's studio4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,he4 ,awfully jolly concert1 wasn't it8 ,awfully jolly thing by that fellow--what's his name8--something like ,doorknob4 ,she4 ,doorknob6 ,whom do you mean8 ,i only know of ,beethoven1 ,mozart1 ,wagner1 ,handel---- ,he4 ,that's it6 ,handel4 ,i knew it was something you caught hold of6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,our ,,artist ,if you please1 sir1 here's the printer's boy called again6 ,oh1 bother6 ,say ,i'm busy4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,songs ,,and ,,their ,,singers ',tis hard to give the hand where the heart can never be6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,songs ,,and ,,their ,,singers4 ,only this 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,horse ,dealer4 ,did that little mare ,i sold you do for you1 sir8 ,nervous ,horseman4 ,nearly6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,optics4--,lecturer4 ,now let anyone gaze steadfastly on any object--say1 for instance1 his wife's eye--and he'll see himself looking so exceedingly small1 that---- ,strong-minded ,lady 7in front row74 ,hear6 ,hear6 ,hear6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,after ,,the ,,fair4 7,country cousin comes up in ,august to see the exhibition of pictures at the ,royal ,academy674--,porter4 ,bless yer 'art1 we're closed6 ,country ,cousin4 ,closed6 ,what6 didn't it pay866 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,jones4 ,how is it we see you so seldom at the club now8 ,old ,member4 ,ah1 well1 you see1 ,i'm not so young as ,i was2 and ,i've had a good deal of worry lately2 and so1 what with one thing and another1 ,i've grown rather fond of my own society4 ,jones4 ,epicure6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,true ,,inwardness ,,of ,,art4--,photographs by the ,roentgen rays4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,man ,,who ,,has ,a ,,turn ,,for ,,music4--,an organ-grinder4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,phonograph ,,cannot ,,lie4--,german ,dealer ,now1 mein ,herr6 ,you've chust heerd your lofely blaying rebroduced to berfection6 ,won't you buy one8 ,amateur ,flautist4 ,are you sure the thing's all right8 ,german ,dealer4 ,zertainly1 mein ,herr4 ,amateur ,flautist4 ,gad1 then1 if that's what my playing is like1 ,i'm done with the flute for ever4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,private ,,inquiry4--,surveyor of ,taxes 7to literary gent74 ,but surely you can arrive at some estimate of the amount received by you during the past three years for example4 ,don't you keep books8 ,literary ,gent4 7readily74 ,oh dear no4 ,i write them6 ,surveyor4 ,ahem--,i mean you've got some sort of accounts---- ,literary ,gent4 ,oh yes1 lots--7,surveyor brightens up7--unpaid6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,there's a boy wants to see you1 sir4 ,has he got a bill in his hand8 ,no1 sir4 ,then he's got it in his pocket6 ,send him away6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,what ,,our ,,artist ,,has ,,to ,,put ,,up ,,with4--,he4 ,by ,jove1 it's the best thing ,i've ever painted6--and ,i'll tell you what2 ,i've a good mind to give it to ,mary ,morison for her wedding present6 ,his ,wifey4 ,oh1 but1 my love1 the ,morisons have always been so hospitable to us6 ,you ought to give her a real present1 you know--a fan1 or a scent-bottle1 or something of that sort6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,triumph ,frame ,maker 7in ecstasies74 ,by ,jove6 ,jemima--every one of 'em on the line again6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,how ,,to ,,be ,,an ,,author ,mr4 ,punch1 having read the latest book on the way to write for the press1 feels that there is at least one important subject not properly explained therein3 to wit1 the covering letter4 ,he therefore proceeds to supplement this and similar books4444 ,it is1 however1 when your story is written that the difficulties begin4 ,having selected a suitable editor1 you send him your contribution accompanied by a covering letter4 ,the writing of this letter is the most important part of the whole business4 ,one story1 after all1 is very much like another 7in your case1 probably1 exactly like another71 but you can at least in your covering letter show that you are a person of originality4 ,your letter must be one of three kinds3 pleading1 peremptory1 or corruptive4 ,i proceed to give examples of each4 ,i4--,,the ,,pleading ,,letter4 #aii1 ,berkeley ,square1 ,w4 ,,dear ,,mr4 ,,editor1--,i have a wife and seven starving children2 can you possibly help us by accepting this little story of only #ah1jjj 7eighteen thousand7 words8 ,not only would you be doing a work of charity to one who has suffered much1 but you would also1 ,i venture to say1 be conferring a real benefit upon ,english literature--as ,i have already received the thanks of no fewer than thirty-three editors for having allowed them to peruse this manuscript4 ,yours humbly1 ,,the ,mc,h,a,r,d,y4 ,p4,s4--,my youngest boy1 aged three1 pointed to his little sister's ,gazeka toy last night and cried ,de editor6 ,these are literally the first words that have passed his lips for three days4 ,can you stand by and see the children starve8 ,,ii4--,,the ,,peremptory ,,letter4 ,,sir1--,kindly publish at once and oblige4 ,yours faithfully1 ,,eugene ,,hackenkick4 ,p4,s4--,i shall be round at your office to-morrow about an advertisement for some #fjj lb4 bar-bells1 and will look you up4 ,,iii4--,,the ,,corruptive ,,letter4 ,middlesex ,house1 ,park ,lane1 ,,iv4 ,,dear ,,mr4 ,,smith1--,can you come and dine with us quite in a friendly way on ,thursday at eight8 ,i want to introduce you to the ,princess of ,holdwig-,schlosstein and ,mr4 ,alfred ,austin1 who are so eager to meet you4 ,do you know ,i am really a little frightened at the thought of meeting such a famous editor8 ,isn't it silly of me8 ,yours very sincerely1 ,,emma ,,middlesex4 ,p4,s4--,i wonder if you could find room in your splendid little paper for a silly story ,i am sending you4 ,it would be such a surprise for the ,duke's birthday 7on ,monday74--,e4 ,m4 ,before concluding the question of the covering letter ,i must mention the sad case of my friend ,halibut4 ,halibut had a series of lithographed letters of all kinds1 one of which he would enclose with every story he sent out4 ,on a certain occasion he wrote a problem story of the most advanced kind2 what1 in fact1 the reviewers call a strong story4 ,in sending this to the editor of a famous magazine his secretary carelessly slipped in the wrong letter3 ,,dear ,,mr4 ,,editor1 it ran1 ,i am trying to rite you a littel story1 ,i do hope you will like my little storey1 ,i want to tell you about my kanary and my pussy cat1 it's name is ,peggy and it has seven kitens1 have you any kitens1 ,i will give you one if you print my story1 ,your loving little friend1 ,,flossie4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,proverb ,,for ,,the ,,council ,,of ,,the ,,royal ,,academy4--,hanging goes by favour4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,enraged ,,musician4--7,a ,duologue47 ,composer4 ,did you stay late at ,lady ,tittup's8 ,friend4 ,yes4 ,heard ,miss ,bang play again4 ,i was delighted with her execution4 ,composer4 ,her execution6 ,that would have pleased me2 she deserved it for having brutally murdered a piece of mine4 ,exeunt4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,gentility ,,of ,,speech4--,at the music halls visitors now call for another acrobat1 when they want a second tumbler4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,writing ,,on ,,the ,,window ,portrait of a gentleman who proposes to say he was detained in town on important business4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,awarding ,,the ,,biscuit ,dingy ,bohemian4 ,i want a bath ,oliver4 ,immaculate ,servitor4 ,my name is not ,oliver6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,sending-,,in ,,day4--,indigo ,brown takes his picture1 entitled ,peace and ,comfort1 to the ,r4,a4 himself1 as he says1 ,those picture carts are certain to scratch it1 and1 with the assistance of his cabby1 adds the finishing touches on his way there6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,an ,,undoubted ,,old ,,master 7,by ,himself7 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,laying ,,it ,,on ,,with ,a ,,palette-,,knife4--,miss ,sere4 ,ah1 ,mr4 ,brown1 if you could only paint me as ,i was ten years ago6 ,our ,portrait ,painter 7heroically74 ,i am afraid children's portraits are not in my line4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,after ,,the ,,sixth ,,rejection ,,by ,,the ,r4,a4--,the ,prodigal4 ,well1 dad1 here ,i am1 ready to go into the office to-morrow4 ,i've given up my studio and put all my sketches in the fire4 ,fond ,father4 ,that's right1 ',arold4 ,good lad6 ,your 'art's in the right place1 after all6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,brown 7as ,hamlet7 to ,jones 7as ,charles the ,second74 ',normous amount of taste displayed here to-night6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,an ,,art ,,patron ,i'll have it if you shorten the 'orizon1 and make it quids instead of guineas6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,show ,,sunday4--,brown 7trying to find something to admire in ,smudge's painting74 ,by ,jove1 old chap1 those flowers are beautifully put in6 ,smudge4 ,yes2 my old friend--,thingummy--',r4,a4' you know1 painted them in for me4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,envy4--,scene--,miss ,semple and ,dawber1 standing near his picture4 ,miss ,semple4 ,why1 there's a crowd in front of ,madder's picture6 ,dawber4 ,someone fainted1 ,i suppose6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,an ,,artistic ,,episode ,incapacity for work has come to be accepted as the hall-mark of genius4444 ,the collector wants only the thing that is rare1 and therefore the artist must make his work as rare as he can4--,daily ,chronicle4 ,josephine found me stretched full length in a hammock in the garden4 ,why aren't you at work8 she asked2 not feeling seedy1 ,i hope8 ,never better1 said ,i4 ,but ,i've been making myself too cheap4 ,we couldn't possibly help going to the ,joneses last night1 dear4 ,tush1 said ,i4 ,i mean there is too much of me4 ,i don't quite understand1 she said2 but there certainly will be if you spend your mornings lolling in that hammock4 ,the distortive wantonness of this remark left me cold4 ,i have made up my mind1 ,i continued1 quite seriously1 to do no more work for a considerable time4 ,but1 my dear boy1 just think---- ,i'm going to make myself scarce1 ,i insisted4 ,geoffrey6 she exclaimed1 ,i knew you weren't well6 ,i released myself4 ,josephine1 ,i said solemnly1 those estimable persons who collect my pictures will think nothing of them if they become too common4 ,how do you know there are such persons8 she queried4 ,i must decline to answer that question1 ,i replied2 but if there are none it is because my work is not yet sufficiently rare and precious4 ,i propose to work no more--say1 for six or seven years4 ,by that time my reputation will be made1 and there will be the fiercest competition for the smallest canvas ,i condescend to sign4 ,she kissed me4 ,i came out for the housekeeping-money1 she remarked simply4 ,i went into the house to fetch the required sum1 and1 by some means ,i cannot explain1 got to work again upon the latest potboiler4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,music ,,readily ,,acquired4--,stealing a march4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,storm ,,fiend ,,songs ,,and ,,their ,,singers 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,such ,,is ,,fame6--,duchess 7with every wish to encourage conversation1 to gentleman just introduced74 ,your name is very familiar to me indeed for the last ten years4 ,minor ,poet 7flattered74 ,indeed1 ,duchess6 ,and may ,i ask what it was that first attracted you8 ,duchess4 ,well1 ,i was staying with ,lady ,waldershaw1 and she had a most indifferent cook1 and whenever we found fault with any dish she always quoted you1 and said that you liked it so much6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,domestic ,,bliss4--,wife of your ,bussum4 ,oh6 ,i don't want to interrupt you1 dear4 ,i only want some money for baby's socks--and to know whether you will have the mutton cold or hashed4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,in ,a ,,minor ,,key4--,hearty ,friend 7meeting ,operatic ,composer74 ,hallo1 old man1 how are you8 ,haven't seen you for an age6 ,what's your latest composition8 ,impecunious ,musician 7gloomily74 ,with my creditors4 ,exeunt severally4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,to ,,be ,,sung ,,at ,,concert ,,pitch4--,the ,tar's ,farewell4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,safe4--,guest 7after a jolly evening74 ,good night1 ol' fellah--,i'll leave my boosh oushide 'door---- ,bohemian ,host4 ,au' right1 m' boy--7hic7--noborry'll toussh 'em--goo' light66 ,exeunt4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,consolations ,,for ,,the ,,unhung ,now that the painful month of suspense in ,studioland is at an end1 it behoves us to apply our most soothing embrocation to the wounded feelings of geniuses whose works have boomeranged their way back from ,burlington ,house4 ,let them remember3 ,that very few people really look at the pictures in the ,academy--they only go to meet their friends1 or to say they have been there4 ,that those who do examine the works of art are wont to disparage the same by way of showing their superior smartness4 ,that one picture has no chance of recognition with fourteen hundred others shouting at it4 ,that all the best pavement-artists now give one-man shows4 ,they can thus select their own pitch1 and are never ruthlessly skied4 ,that photography in colours is coming1 and then the ,r4,a4 will have to go4 ,that ,rembrandt1 ,holbein1 ,rubens and ,vandyck were never hung at the summer exhibition4 ,that ,botticelli1 ,correggio and ,titian managed to rub along without that privilege4 ,that the ten-guinea frame that was bought 7or owed for7 this spring will do splendidly next year for another masterpiece4 ,that the painter must have specimens of his best work to decorate the somewhat bare walls of his studio4 ,that the best test of a picture is being able to live with it--or live it down--so why send it away from its most lenient critic8 ,that probably the chef-d'oeuvre sent in was shown to the hanging committee up-side down4 ,that1 supposing they saw it properly1 they were afraid that its success would put the ,academy to the expense of having a railing placed in front4 ,and finally1 we would remind the rejected one that1 after all1 his bantling has been exhibited in the ,r4,a4--to the president and his colleagues engaged in the work of selection4 ,somebody at least looked at it for quite three seconds4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,art ,,note4--,the early ,italian style4--,an organ-grinder at five o'clock in the morning4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,our ,,flat4--,extract from ,lady's ,correspondence4 ----,in fact1 our reception was a complete success4 ,we had some excellent musicians4 ,i daresay you will wonder where we put them1 with such a crowd of people2 but we managed capitally6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,show ,,sunday4--,vandyke ,browne4 ,peace1 my dear lady1 peace and refinement1 those are the two essentials in an artist's surroundings4 ,enter ,master and ,miss ,browne4 ,tableau6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,varnishing ,,day ,,amenities4--,little ,smudge4 ,of course1 ,i know perfectly well my style isn't quite developed yet1 but ,i feel ,i am1 if ,i might so express it1 in a transition stage1 don't you know1 ,brother ,brush 7skied this year74 ,ah6 ,i see1 going from bad to worse6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,mighty ,,pen ,with this little instrument that rests so lightly in the hand1 whole nations can be moved4444 ,when it is poised between thumb and finger1 it becomes a living thing--it moves with the pulsations of the living heart and thinking brain1 and writes down1 almost unconsciously1 the thoughts that live--the words that burn4444 ,it would be difficult to find a single newspaper or magazine to which we could turn for a lesson in pure and elegant ,english4--,miss ,corelli in ,free ,opinions ,freely ,expressed4 ,o magic pen1 what wonders lie ,within your little length6 ,though small and paltry to the eye ,you boast a giant's strength4 ,between my finger and my thumb ,a living creature you become1 ,and to the listening world you give ,the words that burn--the thoughts that live4 ,oft1 when the sacred fire glows hot1 ,your wizard power is proved3 ,you write till lunch1 and nations not ,infrequently are moved2 ',twixt lunch and tea perhaps you damn ,for good and all1 some social sham1 ,and by the time ,i pause to sup-- ,behold ,carnegie crumpled up6 ,through your unconscious eyes ,i see ,strange beauty1 little pen6 ,you make life exquisite to me1 ,if not to other men4 ,you fill me with an inward joy ,no outward trouble can destroy1 ,not even when ,i struggle through ,some foolish ignorant review2 ,nor when the press bad grammar scrawls ,in wild uncultured haste1 ,and which intolerably galls ,one's literary taste4 ,what are the editors about1 ,whom one would think would edit out ,the shocking ,english and the style ,which every page and line defile8 ,there is1 alas6 no magazine1 ,no paper that one knows ,to which a man could turn for clean ,and graceful ,english prose2 ,not even1 ,o my pen1 though you ,yourself may write for one or two1 ,and lend to them a style1 a tone1 ,a grammar that is all your own4 ,i see the shadows of decay ,on all sides darkly loom2 ,massage and manicure hold sway1 ,cosmetics fairly boom2 ,old dowagers and budding maids ,alike affect complexion-aids1 ,while middle age with anxious care ,dyes to restore its dwindling hair4 ,the time is out of joint1 but still ,i am not hopeless quite ,so long as you exist1 my quill1 ,once more to set it right4 ,woman will cease from rouge1 ,i think1 ,man pour his hair-wash down the sink1 ,if you will yet consent to give ,the words that burn--the thoughts that live4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,hint ,,for ,,the ,,publishers4 ,as the publishing season will soon be in full play--which means that there will be plenty of work--we suggest the following as titles of books1 to succeed the publication of ,people ,i have ,met1 by an ,american3-- ,people ,i have taken into ,custody1 by a ,policeman4 ,people that have ,met me ,half-way1 by an ,insolvent4 ,people ,i have ,splashed1 by a ,scavenger4 ,people ,i have ,done1 by a ,jew ,bill-discounter4 ,people ,i have ,abused1 by a ',bus ,conductor4 ,people ,i have ,run ,over1 by a ,butcher's ,boy4 ,people ,i have ,run ,against1 by a ,sweep4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,roaring ,,trade4--,keeping a menagerie4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,compliments ,,one ,,might ,,improve ,,on4--,mrs4 ,mudge4 ,i do admire the women you draw1 ,mr4 ,penink4 ,they're so beautiful and so refined6 ,tell me1 who is your model8 ,mrs4 ,mudge rises in ,mrs4 ,penink's opinion4 ,penink4 ,oh1 my wife always sits for me6 ,mrs4 ,mudge 7with great surprise74 ,you don't say so6 ,well1 ,i think you're one of the cleverest men ,i know6 ,mrs4 ,penink's opinion of ,mrs4 ,mudge falls below zero4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,green-,,eyed ,,monster4--,george 7,itinerant ,punch-and-,judy ,showman74 ,i say1 ,bill1 she do draw6 ,bill 7his partner1 with drum and box of puppets74 ,h'm--it's more than we can6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,selection4--,brown 7as he was leaving our ,art ,conversazione1 after a rattling scramble in the cloak-room74 ,confound it6 ,got my own hat1 after all6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,eccentric ,old ,gent 7whose pet aversion is a dirty child74 ,go away1 you dirty girl1 and wash your face6 ,indignant ,youngster4 ,you go 'ome1 you dirty old man1 and do yer 'air6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,musical ,,fact4--,people are apt to complain of the vile tunes that are played about the streets by grinding organs1 and yet they may all be said to be the music of ,handle4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,is ,,there ,,room ,,for ,,mary ,,there8 ,,songs ,,and ,,their ,,singers 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,photographer4 ,i think this is an excellent portrait of your wife4 ,mr4 ,smallweed4 ,i don't know--sort of repose about the mouth that somehow doesn't seem right4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,great ,,prize ,,fight4--,johnnie 7who finds that his box1 ,l#bj1 has been appropriated by the ,fancy74 ,i beg your pardon1 but this is my box6 ,bill ,bashford4 ,oh1 is it8 ,well1 why don't you tike it8 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,without ,,prejudice4--,ugly ,man 7who thinks he's a privileged wag1 to artist74 ,now1 ,mr4 ,daubigny1 draw me4 ,artist 7who doesn't like being called ,daubigny1 and whose real name is ,smith74 ,certainly4 ,but you won't be offended if it's like you4 ,eh8 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,scrimble4 ,so sorry ,i've none of my work to show you4 ,fact is1 ,i've just sent all my pictures to the ,academy4 ,mrs4 ,macmillions4 ,what a pity6 ,i did so much want to see them4 ,how soon do you expect them back8 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,young ,,novelist',s ,,guide ,,to ,,medicine ,,chloroform4 ,invaluable to writers of sensational stories4 ,every high-class fictionary criminal carries a bottle in his pocket4 ,a few drops1 spread on a handkerchief and waved within a yard of the hero's nose1 will produce a state of complete unconsciousness lasting for several hours1 within which time his pockets may be searched at leisure4 ,this property of chloroform1 familiar to every expert novelist1 seems to have escaped the notice of the medical profession4 ,,consumption4 ,the regulation illness for use in tales of mawkish pathos4 ,very popular some years ago1 when the heroine made farewell speeches in blank verse1 and died to slow music4 ,fortunately1 however1 the public has lost its fondness for work of this sort4 ,consumption at its last stage is easily curable 7in novels7 by the reappearance of a hero supposed to be dead4 ,two pages later the heroine will gain strength in a way which her doctors--not unnaturally--will describe as perfectly marvellous4 ,and in the next chapter the marriage-bells will ring4 ,illustration ,,doctor4 ,always include a doctor among your characters4 ,he is quite easy to manage1 and invariably will belong to one of these three types3 7a7 ,the eminent specialist4 ,tall1 imperturbable1 urbane4 ,only comes incidentally into the story4 7b7 ,young1 bustling1 energetic4 ,not much practice1 and plenty of time to look after other people's affairs4 ,hard-headed and practical4 ,often the hero's college friend4 ,should be given a pretty girl to marry in the last chapter4 7c7 ,the old family doctor4 ,benevolent1 genial1 wise4 ,wears gold-rimmed spectacles1 which he has to take off and wipe at the pathetic parts of the book4 ,,fever4 ,a nice1 useful term for fictionary illnesses4 ,it is best to avoid mention of specific symptoms1 beyond that of a burning brow1 though1 if there are any family secrets which need to be revealed1 delirium is sure to supervene at a later stage4 ,arthur ,pendennis1 for instance1 had fictional fever1 and baffled doctors have endeavoured ever since to find out what really was the matter with him4 ,brain-fever1 again1 is unknown to the medical faculty1 but you may safely afflict your intellectual hero with it4 ,the treatment of fictionary fever is quite simple1 consisting solely of frequent doses of grapes and cooling drinks4 ,these will be brought to the sufferer by the heroine1 and these simple remedies administered in this way have never been known to fail4 ,illustration ,,fracture4 ,after one of your characters has come a cropper in the hunting-field he will be taken on a hurdle to the nearest house3 usually1 by a strange coincidence1 the heroine's home4 ,and he will be said to have sustained a compound fracture--a vague description which will quite satisfy your readers4 ,,gout4 ,an invaluable disease to the humorist4 ,remember that heroes and heroines are entirely immune from it1 but every rich old uncle is bound to suffer from it4 ,the engagement of his niece to an impecunious young gentleman invariably coincides with a sharp attack of gout4 ,the humour of it all is1 perhaps1 a little difficult to see1 but it never fails to tickle the public4 ,illustration ,,heart ,,disease4 ,an excellent complaint for killing off a villain4 ,if you wish to pave the way for it artistically1 this is the recognised method3 ,on page #ajj he will falter in the middle of a sentence1 grow pale1 and press his hand sharply to his side4 ,in a moment he will have recovered1 and will assure his anxious friends that it is nothing4 ,but the reader knows better4 ,he has met the same premonitory symptoms in scores of novels1 and he will not be in the least surprised when1 on the middle of page #bej1 the villain suddenly drops dead4 ,illustration 99 99 99 99 99 ,,unpopular ,,game ,,at ,,the ,,royal ,,academy4--,high-sky-high6 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,rough ,,wine4--,rude-sheimer4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,nervous4--,mrs4 ,malaprop was induced to go to a music hall the other evening4 ,she never means to set foot in one again4 ,the extortions some of the performers threw themselves into quite upset her4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,motto ,,for ,a ,,model ,,music-,,hall ,,entertainment4--,everything in its 'turn' and nothing long4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,breaking ,,it ,,gently4--,his ,cousins4 ,we sent off the wire to stop your model coming4 ,but you had put one word too many--so we struck it out4 ,real ,artist4 ,oh1 indeed4 ,what word did you strike out8 ,his ,cousins4 ,you had written 'he wasn't to come1 as you had only just discovered you couldn't paint to-day4' ,so we crossed out 'to-day4' 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,state ,,of ,,the ,,market4--,artist 7to customer1 who has come to buy on behalf of a large furnishing firm in ,tottenham ,court ,road73 ,how would this suit you8 ',summer'6 ,customer3 ,h'm--',summer4' ,well1 sir1 the fact is we find there's very little demand for green goods just now4 ,if you had a line of autumn tints now--that's the article we find most sale for among our customers6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,our ,amateur ,romeo 7who has taken a cottage in the country1 so as to be able to study without interruption74 ,arise1 fair sun1 and kill the envious moon---- ,owner of rubicund countenance 7popping head over the hedge71 ,beg pardon1 zur6 ,be you a talkin' to ,oi1 zur8 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,bitters ,,at ,,the ,,club ,mac,stodge 7,pictor ignotus74 ,who's that going out8 ,o',duffer 7,pictor ignotissimus74 ,one ,ernest ,raphael ,sopely1 who painted ,lady ,midas6 ,mac,stodge4 ,oh1 the artist6 ,o',duffer4 ,no4 ,the ,royal ,academician6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,la ,,vie ,,de ,,boheme4--,first ,bohemian 7to second ditto74 ,i can't for the life of me think why you wasted all that time haggling with that tailor chap1 and beating him down1 when you know1 old chap1 you won't be able to pay him at all4 ,second ,bohemian4 ,ah1 that's it6 ,i have a conscience4 ,i want the poor chap to lose as little as possible6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,little ,guttersnipe 7who is getting quite used to posing74 ,will yer want me ter tike my bun down8 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,genial ,doctor 7after laughing heartily at a joke of his patient's74 ,ha6 ha6 ha6 ,there's not much the matter with you6 ,though ,i do believe that if you were on your death-bed you'd make a joke6 ,irrepressible ,patient4 ,why1 of course ,i should4 ,it would be my last chance6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,she 7to ,raphael ,greene1 who paints gems for the ,r4,a4 that are never accepted74 ,i do hope you'll be hung this year4 ,i'm sure you deserve to be6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,art ,,intelligence ,she 7reads74 ,there are upwards of fifty ,english painters and sculptors now in ,rome---- ,he 7,british ,philistine--served on a late celebrated jury674 ,ah6 no wonder we couldn't get that scullery white-washed6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,devoted little wife 7to hubbie1 who has been late at the club74 ,now1 dear1 see1 your breakfast is quite ready4 ,a nice kipper1 grilled chicken and mushrooms with bacon1 poached eggs on toast--tea and coffee4 ,anything else you'd like1 dearie8 ,victim of last night 7groans74 ,yes--an appetite6 ,collapses4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,after ,,feeding-,,time4--,showman of ,travelling ,menagerie4 ,now1 ladies and gentlemen1 we come to the most interesting part of the 'ole exhibition6 ,seven different species of hanimals1 in the same cage1 dwellin' in 'armony4 ,you could see them with the naked heye1 only you have come too late4 ,they are all now inside the lion6 99 99 99 99 99 ,,to ,,billiard ,,players4--,if you would obey the rules of billiards1 always attend to the cannons of the game4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,suspensory ,,act4--,hanging the ,academy exhibition4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,in ,,the ,,billiard ,,room4--,major ,carambole4 ,i never give any bribes to the club servants on principle4 ,captain ,hazard4 ,then ,i suppose the marker looks on the tip of your cue without interest4 ,illustration 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,in ,a ,,bar1 ,,newmarket4--,seedy ,individual 7to ,knowing ,one74 ,d'yer want to buy a diamond pin cheap8 ,knowing ,one4 ',ere1 get out of this6 ,what d'you take me for8 ,a juggins8 ,s4 ,i4 ,give yer my word it's worth sixty quid if it's worth a penny4 ,and you can 'ave it for a tenner4 ,k4 ,o4 ,let's 'ave a look at it4 ,where is it8 ,s4 ,i4 ,in that old gent's tie4 ,will yer 'ave it8 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,songs ,,and ,,their ,,singers ,yew harxed me woy hoi larved when larve should be ,a thing hun-der-eamed hof larve twixt yew han me4 ,yew moight hin-tereat the sun tew cease tew she-oine ,has seek tew sty saw deep a larve has moine4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,shakspeare ,,illustrated ,oh1 my prophetic soul6 ,my uncle6 ,hamlet1 ,act ,i41 ,sc4 #e4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,brother ,,artist ,we have regularly attended the ,academy now for many years1 but never do we remember such a poor show of portraits2 they cannot prove to be otherwise than the laughing-stock of tailors and their customers4--,tailor and ,cutter4 ,the tailor leaned upon his goose1 ,and wiped away a tear3 ,what portraits painting-men produce1 ,he sobbed1 from year to year6 ,these fellows make their sitters smile ,in suits that do not fit1 ,they're wrongly buttoned1 and the style ,is not the thing a bit4 ,oh1 artist1 ,i'm an artist too6 ,i bid you use restraint1 ,and only show your sitters1 do1 ,in fitting coats of paint2 ,in vain you crown those errant seams ,with smiles that look ethereal1 ,for man may be the stuff of dreams-- ,but dreams are not material4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,medical4--,a sculptor friend1 who has strabismus1 consoles himself with the thought that he can always keep his profession in view through having a cast in his eye4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,frame-maker 7to gifted amateur1 who is ordering frames for a few prints and sketches74 ,ah1 ,i suppose you want something cheap an' ordinary for this8 ,n4,b4--,this was a cherished little sketch by our amateur himself4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,not ,,quite ,,the ,,same4--,scene3 ,exhibition of ,works of ,art4 ,dealer 7to friend1 indicating stout person closely examining a ,vandyke74 ,do you know who that is8 ,i so often see him about4 ,friend4 ,i know him4 ,he's a collector4 ,dealer 7much interested74 ,indeed6 ,what does he collect8 ,pictures8 ,friend4 ,no4 ,income tax4 ,exeunt severally4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,art ,,class4--,inspector4 ,what is a landscape painter8 ,student4 ,a painter of landscapes4 ,inspector4 ,good4 ,what is an animal painter8 ,student4 ,a painter of animals4 ,inspector4 ,excellent4 ,what is a marine painter8 ,student4 ,a painter of marines4 ,inspector4 ,admirable6 ,go and tell it them4 ,call next class4 ,exeunt students4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,best ,,publisher',s ,,circular4--,a round dining-table4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,social ,,agonies4--,anxious ,musician 7in a whisper1 to ,mrs4 ,lyon ,hunter's butler74 ,where's my cello8 ,butler 7in stentorian tones1 to the room74 ,signor ,weresmicello6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,brown4 ,pity ,jones has lost--his figure6 ,robinson4 ,not lost1 but gone before6 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,enthusiastic ,briton 7to seedy ,american1 who has been running down all our national monuments74 ,but even if our ,houses of ,parliament 'aren't in it1' as you say1 with the ,masonic ,temple of ,chicago1 surely1 sir1 you will admit the ,thames ,embankment1 for instance---- ,seedy ,american4 ,waal1 guess ,i don't think so durned much of your ,thames ,embankment1 neither4 ,it rained all the blarmed time the night ,i slep on it4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,professional ,,view ,,of ,,things4--,old ,paynter never neglects any opportunity for advancing art4 ,every evening he has the cloth drawn4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,beverage ,,for ,a ,,musician4--,thorough bass4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,poetical ,,licence4--,a music-hall's4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,turf ,,reform4--,mowing your lawn4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a ,,monster ,,meeting44--,a giant and a dwarf4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,soaker',s ,,paradise4--,dropmore4 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,finis 99 99 99 99 99 ,,bradbury1 ,,agnew1 ,,co4 ,,ld41 ,,printers1 ,,london ,,and ,,tonbridge4