,,the ,,man ,,who ,,pleases ,,and ,,the ,,woman ,,who ,,charms ,,by ,,john ,a4 ,,cone ,look out lovingly upon the world and the world will look lovingly in upon you4 ,,hinds ,,noble1 ,publishers #ca-cc-ce ,,west #ae,,th ,,street1 ,,new ,,york ,,city ,schoolbooks of all publishers at one store ,third printing1 ,february1 #aijd4 ,copyright1 #aija4 by ,,john ,a4 ,,cone1 in the ,united ,states and ,great ,britain4 ,entered at ,stationer's ,hall1 ,london4 ,all ,rights ,reserved4 ,,to ,,my ,,mother4 ,,contents4 ,,page ,,the ,,man ,,who ,,pleases #a ,,the ,,woman ,,who ,,charms #af ,,the ,,art ,,of ,,conversation #bi ,,good ,,english #cg ,,tact ,,in ,,conversation #dh ,,the ,,compliment ,,of ,,attention #eg ,,the ,,voice #fe ,,good ,,manners #gc ,,dress #hd ,,the ,,optimist #ig ,,personal ,,peculiarities #ajf ,,suggestions ,,from ,,many ,,sources #aad ,,preface4 ,the makers of books have been divided into two classes--the creators and the collectors4 ,in preparing this volume the author has made no claim to a place in the first division1 for he has been1 to a great extent1 only a collector4 ,the facts which the book contains are familiar to intelligent people1 and the only excuse offered for presenting them in a new dress is that we need to be reminded often of some truths with which we are most familiar4 ,in our daily intercourse with one another1 we may forget to render to others that thoughtfulness and attention which we exact from them4 ,we all know that the essence of courtesy is the purpose1 in speech and manner1 to be agreeable1 attractive1 and lovable1 to awaken by our presence happy impressions in another4 ,we all understand this1 but we so easily forget it1 or1 at least1 forget to put it into practice4 ,courtesy is not the least of the ,christian virtues1 and it should be studied as an art4 ,the reader is requested to accept these chapters in the spirit in which they were prepared4 ,they are not profound psychological studies1 or even original essays1 but only a bringing together of simple1 yet important truths1 which are of concern to us all4 ,possibly they may be of some help--,lest we forget1---- ,,the ,,man ,,who ,,pleases4 ,the dearest friend to me1 the kindest man1 ,the best-conditioned and unwearied spirit ,in doing courtesies4 ,,merchant ,,of ,,venice4 ,he hath a daily beauty in his life4 ,,othello4 ,such a man would win any woman in the world if a' could get her good will4 ,,much ,,ado ,,about ,,nothing4 ,there are few subjects of deeper interest to men and women than that of personal fascination1 or what is sometimes called personal magnetism4 ,we commonly talk about it as though it were some mysterious quality of which no definite account could be given4 ,a man is fascinating1 we say1 he is born magnetic2 he has an indefinable charm which cannot be analyzed or understood1 and1 with the term naturally magnetic1 we hand the matter over to the world of mystery4 ,is this quality of so bewildering a nature that it cannot be understood1 or will a study of those men and women who possess preeminently the power of pleasing show us the secret of their influence1 and prove to us that the gift of fascination is not1 necessarily1 innate1 but that it can1 to a great degree1 be acquired8 ,will we not find that what appears to be the perfection of naturalness is often but the perfection of culture8 ,from all our well-known public men who have won the reputation of being naturally magnetic1 perhaps we could not select a better example than ,james ,g4 ,blaine4 ,with the possible exception of ,henry ,clay1 no other political leader in our history1 under all circumstances1 had so devoted and determined a following4 ,both ,clay and ,blaine possessed sympathetic and affectionate dispositions1 and both understood human nature and the art of pleasing4 ,it may be said that ,mr4 ,blaine's popularity was due1 in a great measure1 to the brilliant and attractive nature of his public service1 and this was1 no doubt1 true to a certain extent4 ,no man knew better than he the importance of making the most of opportunities for dramatic and sensational display1 and his methods of statesmanship were always calculated to please the multitude4 ,his greatest power1 however1 was manifested in his winning men by direct and individual contact4 ,one thing which assisted him in this direction was the fact that he was1 perhaps1 the most courteous of all the public men of his generation4 ,whenever a stranger was introduced to him1 a hearty handshake1 a look of interest and an attentive and cordial manner assured him that ,mr4 ,blaine was very glad to see him4 ,if they chanced to meet again1 after months or even years1 the man was delighted to find that ,mr4 ,blaine not only remembered his name1 but that he had seemed to treasure even the most trivial recollections of their short acquaintance4 ,he had a marvellous memory for faces and names1 and he understood the value of this gift4 ,this ability to remember faces is not difficult to acquire4 ,we could all possess it if we would make sufficient effort4 ,no two figures or countenances are precisely alike1 and it is by noting how they differ one from another that you will remember them4 ,in explaining his own remarkable memory for faces1 ,thomas ,b4 ,reed once said to a reporter that he never looked a man in the face that some striking peculiarity1 a line1 a wrinkle1 an expression about the eye1 the set of the lips1 the shape of the nose1 something set that man's face down in his mind indelibly1 and distinguished him from the rest of mankind4 ,blaine carefully trained himself to pick out some feature or peculiarity by which he could distinguish one face or person from all others and by which he could associate the name of the individual4 ,the ability to remember names and faces is one of the most valuable accomplishments for the man in public life1 or1 indeed1 for any man or woman who wishes social success4 ,not only does it insure comfort to one's self1 but it is especially pleasing to others4 ,next to the comfort of being able to address by name and without hesitation a person one has met but once1 and without mistake1 is the comfort of being recognized one's self4 ,another reason why ,mr4 ,blaine was popular with the masses was because he was not difficult to approach1 and he never missed a chance to be useful to a person who might some time1 in turn1 be useful to him4 ,the ,st4 ,louis ,globe-,democrat said shortly after his death3 ,it was not the habit of ,mr4 ,blaine to wait for men to seek favors from him4 ,he anticipated their desires1 and doubled their obligations to him by doing voluntarily what might have been delayed for solicitation4 ,that gave him the kind of popularity which outlasts defeat and resists all ordinary influences of criticism and hostility4 ,he could always count upon a certain measure of unflinching and unconditional support1 whatever forces happened to be arrayed against him2 and he changed bitter enemies into zealous friends with a facility that was a source of constant surprise and wonder4 ,but why should his success in attracting others to himself be a source of surprise and wonder8 ,mr4 ,blaine1 in common with many other magnetic men and women1 understood that the secret of personal fascination lies in one single point2 that is1 in the power to excite in another person happy feelings of a high degree of intensity1 and to make that person identify such feelings with the charm and power of the cherished cause of them4 ,any quality1 good or evil1 that enables a man to do this1 renders him fascinating1 whether he be saint or sinner4 ,indeed1 some of the men who have been the most skilful in the art of pleasing have been scoundrels4 ,said a writer in the ,boston ,herald3 ,it used to be said of ,aaron ,burr--so irresistible in charm of manner was the man--that he could never stop at the stand of the ugliest old crone of an apple-woman1 without leaving on her mind when he went away the conviction that he regarded her as the fairest and most gracious of her sex4 ,and so1 had woman suffrage prevailed in his day1 he would have had the solid vote of the apple-women for any office he might aspire to4 ,aaron ,burr clearly understood that the woman does not exist who is wholly without sentiment1 and he always appealed to that part of a woman's nature4 ,he understood very well the truth of these words written by ,croly3 ,in the whole course of my life ,i never met a woman1 from the flat-nosed and ebony-colored inhabitant of the tropics to the snow-white and sublime divinity of a ,greek isle1 without a touch of romance2 repulsiveness could not conceal it1 age could not extinguish it1 viscissitude could not change it4 ,i have found it in all times and places1 like a spring of fresh water1 starting up even from the flint1 cheering the cheerless1 softening the insensible1 renovating the withered2 a secret whisper in the ear of every woman alive that to the last1 affection might flutter its rosy pinions around her brow4 ,burr1 understanding this1 left in the mind of the apple-woman the firm impression that he thought she must have been at one time a duchess1 reduced in fortune by some accident1 and now driven to the last refuge of an apple-stand1 and that those sad facts evidently accounted for the traits of high breeding and delicate refinement so visible through all her present poverty4 ,he understood the fact that all people live in two distinct worlds--the world of reality and the world of imagination4 ,in the world of reality they use brooms and shovels1 wash floors and dishes1 or sell apples2 in the other1 they live in drawing rooms1 feast sumptuously and are the wonder and admiration of mankind4 ,few people1 continues the writer in the ,herald1 would believe that an ugly1 dilapidated looking apple-woman could dwell in the enchanted realm of imagination just as much as the rich and favored do4 ,but ,burr believed it1 so when he spoke to the old crone1 he went up1 not to her withered and beggarly self1 but to her ideal self1 imaginatively entering into the duchess dream in her1 and instinctively became deferential in his bearing4 ,forthwith the duchess in her came out to meet the courtly gentleman in him1 and greetings were exchanged as between two incognito scions of noble lineage4 ,each enjoyed the meeting1 each had vividness enough of imagination to impart to it the flavor of reality1 and to keep out of sight common1 material facts4 ,but1 you say1 not every man can make such an impression1 for few are able to do and say things with the ease and grace of a ,burr4 ,there must be a naturalness of manner which never suggests suspicion4 ,let the average man attempt to force his nature and to manufacture smiles and looks of pleasure1 and the old apple-woman will know at once that she is being fooled4 ,very true1 and it is not desirable that the average man should possess the ability of an ,aaron ,burr to influence others4 ,few persons try as he did to acquire that power1 but because the average man cannot at once exercise that potent influence over others which he did1 it does not follow that we are unable to understand the secret of ,burr's success1 nor is it evident that other men cannot acquire something of this power by thinking it worth while to do so4 ,it would not be safe to say that all men can be equally successful1 try as they will1 in inspiring in others happy feelings of a high degree of intensity1 for nature has not been impartial in bestowing equally upon all the gifts of adaptation and expression4 ,there are a few persons so constituted by temperament and mental organism that they exercise a depressing influence over their associates4 ,they have a negative1 flabby spirit that seems to operate1 speaking figuratively1 much as a wet shoe does upon one who is compelled to wear it4 ,they draw upon the nervous strength and exhaust the patience of those who are compelled to be much in their company4 ,but there are not many of this type4 ,most of us could make far more progress in acquiring social graces and in the art of pleasing than we do4 ,let us now consider some of the particular qualities which render a man pleasing to the opposite sex4 ,of course different types of men please different women4 ,some women care little for the moral element in men4 ,they do not admire them for their goodness or nobility of character1 but rather for their manners and their ability to flatter and say pleasing things4 ,some women are fascinated by mere brute strength1 but they are not many4 ,rank1 wealth1 and social position are very attractive to some1 but these things do not make the man himself more attractive to the true woman4 ,while a girl is young1 she may go into raptures over a cameo profile1 a ,burnes-,jones head of hair1 or a pre-,raphaelite languor and pallor1 but these things are bound to pall1 and become absolutely distasteful4 ,some even admire downright wickedness in men1 and these are the women who send delicacies to murderers in prison1 and overwhelm them with bouquets4 ,but1 fortunately1 these types represent but a small fraction of the fair sex1 and this chapter has to do only with the great majority2 the intelligent1 moral1 cultured women of the land4 ,what qualities in men are most attractive to them8 ,physical beauty is always attractive in either sex1 yet the handsome man has the advantage of his plainer rival only in this--he is able to draw attention to himself at once4 ,he must1 however1 have something more to hold that attention4 ,he may be physically an ,apollo1 but if he be ill-mannered1 dull or ignorant1 he will stand no chance beside the man skilled in the artful polished ways of what is called society1 who is master of that grace of manner and flexibility of speech which more than wealth1 reputation1 or personal attractiveness1 win their way with women4 ,it has been proven1 again and again1 that even ugliness of face and form is not1 by any means1 a bar to popularity with women1 and while we are often amazed at the choice which brilliant1 beautiful women sometimes make from a crowd of admirers1 at the bottom of every apparent fantastic selection1 there is a solid1 and1 usually1 a sensible reason4 ,ernest ,renan was certainly not handsome4 ,he was exceedingly corpulent1 his complexion was said to resemble nothing else so closely as tallow4 ,he had claw-shaped hands1 bushy gray eyebrows1 and thin gray hair1 yet wherever he went into society he was sure to be the center of an admiring group of women4 ,he was not fascinating by reason of his ugliness1 but in spite of it4 ,there was enough in the subtle charm of his manner1 and the melodious flow of his conversation1 to make up for all outward deficiencies4 ,liszt was not a handsome man--quite the contrary2 yet probably no other man ever lived who exercised a more magnetic and potent influence over women4 ,even when he had become gaunt and old1 his eyes dim1 his blonde hair snow-white1 his spare1 lean figure wrapped in a black1 priestly gown1 he was followed about by a train of fair admirers4 ,chauteaubriand could charm at eighty-four1 the ,abbe ,liszt at seventy-five1 and ,aaron ,burr--who was by no means handsome--had at seventy a charm of manner that was irresistible4 ,the fact is1 one cannot recall half a dozen very talented men who were admired for their personal beauty4 ,pope was very plain2 ,dr4 ,johnson was no better2 ,mirabeau was the ugliest man in ,france1 and yet he was the greatest favorite with the fair sex4 ,these examples are not cited to prove that women do not care for physical beauty in men4 ,on the contrary1 that is a very strong attraction1 but not the most powerful factor in holding them4 ,women more frequently prize men for their sterling qualities of mind than men do women4 ,a perfection of physical beauty rarely associates itself with great mental ability in either sex1 but still there have been some notable exceptions1 especially among women1 and every pretty woman who reads this may consider herself one of these exceptions4 ,as a general thing1 the man who pleases is the man who understands4 ,it does not matter much to a woman whether a man has great and brilliant thoughts of his own1 if he comprehends her wishes and her feelings1 as well as her thoughts4 ,he should1 if he desires to please1 make a careful study of that mysterious and complex thing--a woman's nature4 ,he must understand that it is of a finer fibre than his own2 that it is sensitive and easily hurt4 ,he should have sentiment1 but not be a sentimentalist4 ,he will be wise1 indeed1 if he can skilfully draw the line between the two things4 ,sentiment is divine3 sentimentalism absurd4 ,he should be able to say much in little and he must not be a chatterer4 ,a woman who talks too much becomes tiresome2 a man who is an aimless talker is an intolerable bore to both sexes4 ,few men understand a woman4 ,they do not look at things from her point of view1 and1 therefore1 do not realize to what extent civilized life has permitted her to assume that convention of manner and those civilities of speech which are in some harmless degree hypocritical4 ,it could not be otherwise4 ,her ideal of a man is a very high one1 but she rarely meets him1 and so she accepts the one who comes nearest to her ideal and makes the most of the situation4 ,she would that he were different1 but a woman can love in spite of very many things4 ,usually she is obliged to if to love at all4 ,she is much cleverer at love-making than a man4 ,she is an artist where he is a crude workman1 and she does not go through a love scene without realizing how much better she could have done it if the title role had been given to her4 ,if she is a woman of sensibility1 she is shocked by a hundred disagreeable habits which many men think justifiable4 ,she is repelled by awkwardness of manner1 coarse modes of speech1 by carelessness of person and dress1 and yet1 for all that1 she loves4 ,the lover who is most successful in retaining the affection of a sweetheart or a wife is the one who expresses over and over again the love and the tenderness he feels4 ,women1 more than men1 like to hear things talked about4 ,they are far more wide-awake to the value of trifles1 and more sensitive to changes of mood4 ,they are given to saying in many ways1 with delicate variations1 what a man is satisfied to state once for all1 even to state badly4 ,a man will believe in a woman's love and be satisfied with far fewer visible tokens of it than are necessary to confirm his tenderness and keep her convinced of it4 ,the truth is that a man's power of pleasing does not depend upon some occult quality of which no account can be given1 but upon the degree in which he holds certain attractive qualities--innate or acquired4 ,we have no difficulty in understanding any single one of these qualities1 yet when a man possesses such a combination of them as to entitle him to the term fascinating we pronounce it incomprehensible1 and fall back upon that vague term1 personal magnetism4 ,the personal elements which are most conducive to our influence over others are1 in a broad way3 good manners1 a pleasing voice1 the ability to converse well1 personal neatness1 taste in dress1 tact1 good morals1 culture and refinement1 physical beauty1 and intellectual force4 ,we are pleasing or offensive just in proportion to our possession of these very desirable characteristics1 and1 possibly1 what we term personal magnetism is simply the result of a well-balanced development of some1 or all1 of these enviable characteristics4 ,,the ,,woman ,,who ,,charms4 ,look on this woman4 ,there is not beauty1 not brilliant sayings1 nor distinguished power to serve you2 but all see her gladly2 her whole air and impression are healthful4 ,manners require time1 as nothing is more vulgar than haste4 ,,emerson4 ,possessed with such a gentle1 sovereign grace1 ,with such enchanting presence and discourse4 ,,comedy ,,of ,,errors4 ,she's a most exquisite lady4 ,,othello4 ,is it the handsome woman8 ,yes1 sometimes1 but not always4 ,beauty is always attractive1 but the handsome woman has the same advantage only that the handsome man possesses--she draws attention to herself at once4 ,if she has nothing but her beauty to rely upon1 she does not hold the attention4 ,it was ,balzac who reminded us of the fact that nearly all of the most celebrated attachments in history were inspired by women in whom there were noticeable physical defects4 ,mme4 de ,pompadour1 ,joanna of ,naples1 ,cleopatra1 ,la ,valliere--in fact1 almost all the women whom a romantic love has invested with a halo of interest--were not without imperfections and even infirmities1 while nearly all the women whose beauty is described to us as perfect1 have been finally unhappy in their loves4 ,perhaps1 says ,balzac1 men live by sentiment more than by pleasure4 ,perhaps the charm1 wholly physical1 of a beautiful woman has its bounds1 while the charm1 essentially moral1 of a woman of moderate beauty may be infinite4 ,whether this be true or not1 women surely overestimate the influence of mere physical beauty to attract and hold men4 ,madame de ,stael1 whose dominion over the hearts of all those with whom she came in contact is well known1 declared that she would gladly give up all her gifts of person1 and all her learning1 if she could receive beauty in exchange4 ,it was fortunate for her that her wish was not granted1 for1 had it been1 probably she would have found her kingdom slipping away4 ,while she did not have a beautiful face1 she possessed physical characteristics and personal traits which rendered her absolutely fascinating4 ,to a sensible man nothing is quite so insipid as a vain1 brainless1 tactless beauty1 whose opinions are but echoes1 and who imagines that her beauty alone will hold him chained to her chariot4 ,beauty holds for a time1 but after a man's eyes are satisfied1 he must be entertained1 and the plain girl who possesses brains and tact need have no fear of her more beautiful rival4 ,modern research has proved that not ,sappho1 not ,aspasia1 nor even ,cleopatra were women who would have attracted any special attention by reason of their physical beauty4 ,their highest charm was intellectual--the possession of an immensity to give1 as ,plutarch expresses it1 in the way of grace and accomplishment4 ,the idea that plain girls are allowed to run to waste as unappropriated blessings1 is not supported by evidence1 for we are constantly meeting wives far plainer than the majority of the unmarried women of our acquaintance2 and it frequently happens that a man who has a wife physically beautiful1 becomes enamored of an exceedingly plain woman who possesses a certain quality of congeniality1 some trait of adaptability which he misses in his partner4 ,says a writer in ,lippincott's3 ,it is safe to make the broad generalization that a homely girl1 all other things being equal1 is likely to have fewer offers than a pretty girl1 but quite as likely to receive the one offer which will make her a happy wife4 ,but all other things 7save the gift of beauty7 seldom are equal between the homely and the pretty girl2 by the natural law of compensation1 the homely girl has either some inherent or some acquired ability that is lacking in the other1 which asserts its charm as acquaintance progresses4 ,beauty only has the start in the race4 ,it frequently happens that the beauty makes the mistake of expecting to be entertained by her admirers1 and does not exert herself to please4 ,the plain girl1 however1 is often superior in tact1 for being obliged to study human nature closely in order to get the most out of companionship1 she learns to depend upon this knowledge in her efforts to please4 ,she is not dazzled by admiration1 nor is she unduly confident when she obtains it that she will retain it4 ,mme4 ,hading1 who is a strikingly handsome woman1 and1 therefore1 can discuss beauty without falling under suspicion1 once said3 ,a woman is very unfortunate who has nothing but beauty to insure her success4 ,there are other things superior to beauty4 ,taste1 good taste1 brains1 tact1 health1 those are the things a woman must have to hold people4 ,and then there are good manners--so rare and yet so easily cultivated4 ,to be refined1 to be gentle1 to be amiable1 to be charitable in thought and in speech1 to be intelligent1 is to be charming1 in spite of an unattractive body and an ugly face4 ,to be well born is1 indeed1 to be blessed1 but to rise above low birth is sublime4 ,the greatest painter of the age could make only a caricature of a face for the ,empress ,josephine1 and yet the sweetness of her smile and the charm of her pleasing and gracious ways immortalized her name4 ,there are other ends to happiness than mere wealth2 there are sweeter things in a woman's face than beauty4 ,again1 the woman who charms is not necessarily young4 ,history is full of accounts of women who have been fascinating when beyond middle life4 ,the truest and strongest love is not always inspired by the beauty of twenty4 ,the enthusiasm over sweet sixteen is not supported by the old experience which teaches that the highest beauty is not found in immaturity4 ,louis ,,xiv4 wedded ,mme4 ,maintenon when she was forty-three years old4 ,catherine ,,ii4 of ,russia was thirty-three when she seized the ,empire of ,russia and captivated the dashing young ,gen4 ,orloff4 ,even up to the time of her death--at sixty-seven--she seemed to have retained the same bewitching power1 for the lamentations were heartfelt among all those who had ever known her personally4 ,cleopatra was considerably over thirty when ,antony fell under her spell1 which never lessened until her death1 nearly ten years later4 ,livia was thirty-three when she won the heart of ,augustus1 over whom she maintained her ascendancy until the last4 ,aspasia did not wed ,pericles until she was thirty-seven1 and for more than thirty years after that she was regarded as one of the most fascinating women of her time4 ,ninon de l',enclos1 the most celebrated wit of her day1 was the idol of three generations of the golden youth of ,france1 and she was seventy-two when the ,abbe de ,berais fell in love with her4 ,helen of ,troy1 the celebrated ,greek beauty1 was over forty-five when she took part in the most famous elopement in history2 and as the siege of ,troy lasted ten years1 she must have been at least fifty-five when the ill-fortune of ,paris restored her to her husband1 who is reported to have received her with unquestioned love and gratitude4 ,mlle4 ,mars1 the celebrated actress1 was most attractive at forty-five1 and ,mme4 ,recamier was at the zenith of her good looks and of her power to please when between thirty-five and fifty-five4 ,diana de ,poitiers was over thirty-six when ,henry ,,ii41 then ,duke of ,orleans1 and just half her age1 became attached to her1 and she was regarded as the first lady and the most beautiful woman at court up to the time of the monarch's death and the accession to power of ,catherine de ,medici4 ,the common idea that the mature beauty of forty is less fascinating than that of the girl of seventeen or eighteen is without foundation4 ,by beauty is not meant merely well-formed features and a fresh complexion--these things even dolls possess4 ,in spite of the rosy1 fresh complexion bestowed upon youth by nature1 a woman's best and richest age is really between thirty-five and forty-five1 and sometimes considerably beyond that period4 ,no one would dare say how old ,madame ,patti is4 ,everyone who meets her exclaims at her marvellous youthfulness and vivacity4 ,patti's explanation of her bright eyes1 smooth skin and happy expression is given in a few words3 ,i have kept my temper4 ,no woman can remain young who often loses her temper4 ,as a woman grows older1 she ought to become more attractive in certain ways than she could be in her youth4 ,one of the most needful things for attaining this result is good health4 ,fine muscles1 a healthy1 glowing skin1 eyes bright with energy and ambition--these make a valuable foundation for the woman who would be attractive4 ,the woman who1 at a certain age1 considers herself passe1 commits a great error4 ,if she so regards herself2 if she believes she has passed the time when she can be interesting1 others are quite likely to find her unattractive4 ,surely a woman should be more interesting after she leaves the period of girlhood4 ,she ought to be able to converse better1 she should possess more wisdom1 greater tact1 broader knowledge of human nature2 and she should have more repose1 more grace of manner4 ,indeed1 she should have all her accomplishments well in hand1 and be more facile in their use for the pleasure of others2 and she will be able to use them to better advantage if she has cultivated placidity of temper1 human sympathy and generosity1 and is not careless of her personal appearance4 ,it frequently happens that women who have reached middle life neglect many of the aids to physical beauty which they once carefully followed4 ,they are careless about dress1 and grow to esteem it excusable to dispense with those simple and necessary accessories of the toilet which formerly helped to make them so exquisitely fresh and dainty4 ,they grow accustomed to think that untidiness must necessarily be associated with drudgery4 ,but in these days it is becoming more possible to carry the element of refinement and beauty with us everywhere4 ,many women could seem much finer1 more delicate than they appear1 if they were not accustomed to think that a certain homeliness1 and even negligence of attire is quite excusable1 and1 indeed1 almost inseparable from common work-a-day life4 ,as we grow older1 it becomes more necessary that we use care in always presenting that appearance of personal neatness which never fails to be attractive to those with whom we come in contact4 ,one of the strongest elements a woman can possess to attract the other sex is a sympathetic interest in a man's work4 ,this was what attracted ,dr4 ,schliemann1 the famous ,greek scholar and explorer1 to the young woman whom he married4 ,she was familiar with the ,iliad and the ,odyssey1 and was an enthusiast upon the subject of uncovering the ancient cities of ,homer4 ,men like to have women interested in the things in which they themselves are interested4 ,one who has read ,richard ,harding ,davis' ,soldiers of ,fortune may remember that ,clay grew very fond of ,miss ,langham4 ,his first disappointment in her came to him when he discovered her lack of interest in his work of opening up the iron mines in ,south ,america4 ,miss ,langham's younger sister1 ,hope1 was1 on the other hand1 extremely interested in the mines1 made an exhaustive study of the methods of mining1 and when she1 with the other members of the family1 visited the scene of ,clay's engineering operations1 it was she who drew ,clay's attention to herself by intelligent questions and suggestive remarks4 ,he was delighted with her1 admired her1 fell in love with her1 and then married her4 ,that day at the mines was the beginning of the end of the old love1 and the awakening of the new4 ,to interest men a woman should1 by reading the papers1 acquire1 and be able to express1 a reasonably clear idea of what is happening in the world4 ,she should ascertain what is of special interest to the particular man she wishes to attract1 and1 whether the subject be politics1 business1 out-door sports1 art1 science1 or literature1 she should be able to contribute something in a conversation upon that subject more interesting than a mere yes or no4 ,as it is the manly man who wins and satisfies a good woman1 so it is the womanly woman who pleases and retains the regard of the estimable man4 ,men like the womanly woman4 ,she need not be soft or silly1 weak or nervous2 she may be strong1 vigorous1 resolute1 and brave4 ,a man has little sympathy for the girl who imitates men either in dress1 manner or conversation4 ,if a womanly man is not pleasing to either sex1 what shall we say of a manlike woman6 ,he thoroughly expresses the writer's view who said3 ,a perfect woman may be adorable2 a woman who is perfect would be beyond endurance4 ,yet1 however irreligious a man may be himself1 he always dislikes irreverence in a woman4 ,he wishes and expects his wife to be better than he is1 and1 generally1 she is4 ,men do not like the over-dressed woman--the one who goes to the extreme of a fashion and a little further4 ,he does not care for costliness of apparel1 but he is always attracted by freshness and daintiness4 ,a sense of humor is a valuable gift in a woman who wishes to please4 ,men like the girl who sees the funny side of a thing2 who can make them laugh2 who can be witty without being sarcastic2 who can jest and not be malicious2 who can relate humorous experiences without saying things calculated to make others uncomfortable4 ,a man likes a woman who entertains and amuses him4 ,young girls often express surprise that one of their number is so popular among men4 ,they know she is not so pretty as dozens of other girls4 ,she is not dressed so richly as they are1 yet1 at a party1 she will have half a dozen young men about her while they are neglected and alone4 ,she must1 they conclude1 have that indefinable quality of magnetism1 and that is all that can be said about it1 and they could not find out the secret if they tried4 ,but probably there is no secret about it4 ,although she is not pretty1 and does not possess a vast amount of information1 she has tact1 and a quick and electric vivacity of spirit which acts as a breeze on the sluggish waters1 making ripples of pleasure and laughter1 and so produces an exhilarating effect upon all about her4 ,many young men1 if diffident or awkward1 feel1 it may be1 a little out of place4 ,they hardly know what to do or say1 but this particular girl wakes them up1 and they find themselves laughing and talking with astonishing ease4 ,she understands how to make them feel at ease1 how to draw them out1 and as they associate with her they become unusually elated1 and it is not at all strange that in every company they look eagerly for her presence4 ,while1 judging from the descriptions and representations which we have of her1 ,cleopatra was by no means beautiful1 there is no mystery about her fascinating influence over men4 ,she had1 said a writer in ,the ,boston ,herald1 jaded ,roman conquerors to deal with1 men sated with every form of mere animal pleasure4 ,there was no piquancy left in anything2 all had palled and staled on their cloyed palates4 ,but in ,cleopatra was evermore something fresh1 unexpected1 perfectly original6 ,no wonder the bystanders cried1 ',age cannot wither nor custom stale her infinite variety4' ,what had she to fear from the rivalship of mere youth and beauty so long as her nimble intellect was fertile1 like the ,nile floods1 in successive harvests1 in the one quality her lovers were ready to lavish kingdoms for1 namely1 'infinite variety4' ,to go back to the definition of personal fascination given in the preceding chapter1 we repeat that it consists in the power to excite in another person happy feelings of a high degree of intensity1 and to make that person identify such feelings with the charm and power of the cherished cause of them4 ,there may be such a thing as the indefinite quality of magnetism which draws people to the possessor whether they will or no2 but there are many personalities who are charming because they have willed to be1 because by painstaking perseverance they have acquired those characteristics which enable them to please and charm all with whom they come in contact4 ,,the ,,art ,,of ,,conversation4 ,though conversation1 in its better part1 ,may be esteemed a gift and not an art1 ,yet much depends1 as in the tiller's toil1 ,on culture and the sowing of the soil4 ,,cowper4 ,in all countries where intelligence is prized1 a talent for conversation ranks high among accomplishments4 ,to clothe the thoughts in clear and elegant language1 and to convey them impressively to the mind of another1 is no common attainment4 ,,mrs4 ,,sigourney4 ,the man or woman who is an intelligent1 tactful conversationalist1 commands one of the most essential elements of a pleasing address4 ,while all of us may have certain defects which we cannot wholly overcome1 however earnestly we may try1 we can1 if we will1 re-form our conversation4 ,we can so train ourselves that good nature1 considerateness and benevolence will always have a place in our intercourse with others4 ,we can1 if we will1 use good ,english1 and we can avoid the temptation1 so common1 to talk of persons rather than of things4 ,theoretically1 we despise gossip2 practically1 most of us add our mite to the common fund4 ,we may not be ill-natured1 and the sweet charity that thinketh no evil may have a home in our hearts2 yet sometimes1 if we are not watchful1 it may fall asleep1 and bitterness1 or the spirit of spitefulness come creeping stealthily to the surface4 ,we can1 if we will1 be intellectually honest--a kind of honesty which is indeed rare4 ,the principal reason why arguments and discussions lead to so must dissatisfaction and ill-feeling on the part of the disputants1 is the lack of this quality4 ,two men are engaged in conversation and a question of religious belief or of politics is brought to the front4 ,each takes a side in the discussion and maintains his opinions to the end4 ,neither is searching for the truth1 but is eager to defend his side of the question against the attacks of his opponent4 ,it does not occur to either that anything else can be the truth except the things he has been taught to believe4 ,to both1 the truth simply takes the form of their own opinions2 and since they are most firmly attached to their opinions1 neither ever questions his own devotion to the truth4 ,such persons can scarcely be said to use their minds at all1 for their thinking has been done by some one else4 ,many a hostess is obliged tactfully to separate aggressively argumentative and disputatious guests1 who have never learned that others have an equal right to their own opinions1 and that not every dinner party is the proper occasion to plunge into heated argument in the hope of changing another's views4 ,again1 we can all avoid the habit of exaggeration--a fault which does not get itself called by the name of falsehood1 but which is in dangerously close proximity to it4 ,a man hears something1 true enough in its original shape1 but he passes it on with a little addition of his own4 ,the one to whom he tells it adds his touch of exaggeration1 until1 at last1 the statement is so swollen and distorted as to convey anything but the real truth4 ,it would be difficult to charge any one with deliberate prevarication4 ,the result is a sort of accumulative lie1 made by successive individual contributions of little dashes of exaggeration4 ,thousands who would never be guilty of inventing an entire story derogatory to the reputation of another1 are constantly contributing to the formation of these accumulative falsehoods1 which are quite as evil in their results as though conceived and concocted by one person4 ,we can put into requisition a nice sense of honor in our conversation4 ,in a hundred different ways this most fitting attribute of the true woman and the real gentleman is often put to the test4 ,we can remember that it is quite as easy to be ill-mannered in speech as in conduct4 ,there are men and women who1 at a dinner1 would not under any circumstances1 transgress the rules of table etiquette1 but who may offend quite as grossly by a thoughtless or an intemperate use of words4 ,they may not dispense with the fork1 but they wound the heart by unkind words4 ,they may observe all the amenities from oyster-fork to finger-bowl1 yet they offend some member of the company by sarcasm or personal innuendo4 ,they may not misplace or misuse the napkin1 but they may render the entire company uncomfortable by declining to yield1 in argument1 to the greater weight of evidence2 or by overloading a story with unimportant details4 ,they may be scrupulously neat1 and of easy and graceful deportment1 but may never have learned the gentle art of keeping one's temper sweet when criticised or when confronted by a contradiction4 ,these very suggestive words appeared in ,the ,churchman3 ,it is almost a definition of a gentleman to say that he is one who never inflicts pain4 ,the true gentleman carefully avoids whatever may cause a jar or a jolt in the minds of those with whom he is cast4 ,he has his eyes on all his company2 he is tender toward the bashful1 gentle toward the distant1 and merciful toward the absurd4 ,he avoids unreasonable allusions on topics which may irritate2 he is seldom prominent in conversation1 and never wearisome4 ,another delightful trait in him is that he makes light of favors when he bestows them1 and seems to be receiving when he is conferring4 ,he never speaks of himself except when compelled1 never defends himself by a mere retort4 ,he has no ears for slander or gossip2 is scrupulous in imputing motives to those who interfere with him1 and interprets everything for the best4 ,he is never mean or small in his disputes1 never insinuates evil which he dare not say out4 ,he has too much good sense to be affronted at insults1 and is too well employed to remember injuries4 ,he may be right or wrong in his opinions1 but he is too clear-headed to be unjust4 ,he is as simple as he is forcible1 and as brief as he is decisive4 ,the entertaining talker is not1 of necessity1 a great talker2 he is often a good listener4 ,he understands that a bright story1 briefly told1 will amuse1 but that people are bored by a long story1 filled with pointless details4 ,he is not necessarily learned or profound4 ,he understands that small change is of as much importance in social intercourse as it is between men in business4 ,although deprecated by some wise people as vain and frivolous1 says ,zion's ,herald1 small talk has a legitimate function in human intercourse4 ,it is the small coin of conversation4 ,those who despise its use often get on as badly in social life as would the merchant who should exclude the dimes and quarters from his money-drawer4 ,without them1 the wheels of trade would be blocked4 ,an honest old copper penny will often turn the corner of a good bargain4 ,chit-chat gives ease to conversation4 ,the strait-jacket is removed2 the mental forces have full play2 the man acts himself2 and the communication of soul with soul becomes free and delightful4 ,with small talk he is familiar1 and can toss it about as a juggler does his cards4 ,the philosopher with his learned and exact phrases at once deadens the flow of soul4 ,men and women are not strictly original4 ,the things we say to-day have been said just as well a thousand times before2 but that forms no reason why we should not say them again4 ,the coins in your purse have been through a hundred hands and are not the less useful in serving you again4 ,the fellowship enjoyed rather than the store of wisdom communicated1 is the end of conversation4 ,whether they say anything of importance or not1 we like to hear some persons talk2 they inspire us and set our own mental machinery in motion4 ,small talk often brings us most readily in contact with another soul4 ,all good conversationalists know the use of small talk4 ,to be sure1 they know something more1 something larger and better1 but the chinks in the larger subject are filled in wonderfully by a familiar interpolation of the smaller things in a chatty way4 ,many a wise and learned man would be a better talker if he had at hand a supply of small coin4 ,he can talk extremely well on serious and recondite subjects1 but the quick jest and easy repartee of the parlor and the dining-room are beyond him4 ,he is1 in spite of his learned lore1 at a disadvantage in society1 where there is no time for homilies or for treatises on erudite topics4 ,persons less gifted chat and laugh and have a good time while he sits in gloomy silence4 ,those who would please and be pleased in social intercourse must carry with them and be ready to dispense the small change of light and witty conversation4 ,to be popular in society1 find out whether your companion prefers to talk or listen2 avoid personalities2 endeavor to lead the conversation to subjects familiar and interesting to others rather than especially pleasing to yourself2 never indulge in sarcasm2 be good-natured and sympathetic2 strive to be tactful2 exchange small courtesies2 talk to all with equal attention and interest1 and whatever the topic of conversation1 or wherever you may be1 appear cheerfully contented4 ,acquire1 and then exhibit1 that adaptability to place and people which conduces ever to grateful and pleasing companionship4 ,william ,mathews writes in ,success3 ,conversation rules the destiny of the state and of the individual2 from diplomacy1 which is essentially the art of conversing skilfully on political themes1 down to the daily transactions of the mart and the exchange1 its empire is evident to all4 ,such being the potency and importance of conversation1 why is so little attention given to its culture to-day8 ,why is it that so many educated men1 who are fastidious regarding their personal appearance1 and bestow upon their bodies the most solicitous care1 are yet willing to send their minds abroad in a state of slovenliness1 regardless of the impression they make8 ,,good ,,english4 ,we should be as careful of our words as of our actions4 ,,cicero4 ,an accomplishment1 in its accepted meaning1 is something acquired which perfects or makes complete2 an attainment which tends to equip in character1 manner1 or person1 and which gives pleasure to others4 ,surely1 then1 the man or woman who desires to please cannot possess too many accomplishments2 and1 accepting the definition just given1 is there any other accomplishment of greater importance than facility in speaking and writing one's native language with ease and with elegance8 ,is there any other single test of culture so conclusive as this8 ,is it not the matter1 and1 particularly1 the method of one's speech more than anything else which impresses the person whom we meet for the first time1 either favorably or unfavorably in regard to our acquirements8 ,we may have but few opportunities during a lifetime to display our knowledge of geometry1 algebra or astronomy2 we may be for weeks in the company of other people without giving them an opportunity to suspect that we possess any knowledge of ,latin or ,greek1 but as long as we live1 and every day we live1 we are giving evidences of facility or awkwardness in the use of our mother tongue4 ,how much time is wasted in practicing upon unresponsive musical instruments--unresponsive because not touched by sympathetic fingers6 ,how much time is spent in acquiring a slight knowledge of ,french and ,german1 which results1 generally1 in an ability to use a few simple phrases1 and to translate easy sentences with the aid of a dictionary6 ,how many young women1 with no artistic ability whatever1 spend weeks and months under the instruction of teachers in vain attempts to produce something in oil or in water-color worthy to be called a picture6 ,how much more to the advantage of these young women would it be if a part of this time were spent in acquiring a better understanding of the use of ,english6 ,the writer once knew a girl who1 after playing a selection upon the piano1 left the room and burst into tears because she had been guilty of a slight blunder in her execution--a blunder not noticed by two of the twenty persons assembled in the parlor4 ,this same girl1 however1 exhibited1 habitually1 a carelessness in pronunciation1 and an ignorance of ,english grammar of which she should have been heartily ashamed1 and which caused far more annoyance to her friends than her blunders in music4 ,boys and girls should be trained to feel that it is as discreditable to them to confound the parts of speech in conversation1 as it is to make discords in music1 or to finish a picture out of drawing1 or to be guilty of some inadvertence of manner4 ,they should be made to feel that proficiency in music1 ,french1 ,german1 or painting1 or any other accomplishment1 so-called1 will not compensate for slovenliness of diction4 ,in addressing a girl's school1 ,bishop ,huntington once said3 ,probably there is not an instrument in common use1 from a pencil to a piano1 which is used so imperfectly as language4 ,if you will let me be plain1 ,i suspect that it would be safe to offer a gold medal as a prize to any young lady here who will not1 before to-morrow night1 utter some sentence that cannot be parsed2 will put no singulars and plurals in forbidden connections2 will drop no particles1 double no negatives1 mix no metaphors1 tangle no parentheses2 begin no statement two or three times over without finishing it2 and not once construct a proposition after this manner3 ,when a person talks like that1 they ought to be ashamed of it4' ,these are frank statements to address to a class of young ladies2 but the ,bishop's implication would hold with equal truth not only in the case in point1 but also with a large number of the high schools1 seminaries and colleges of this country4 ,surely such a charge against the other practical branches of study could not be made and sustained4 ,when ,james ,russell ,lowell said3 ,we are the most common-schooled and the least educated people in the world1 he might have added that the statement was especially applicable to our habits of using or abusing our mother tongue4 ,this general indifference to good ,english is not1 in most instances1 the result of a lack of knowledge1 for time enough is devoted to the study of technical grammar in almost all schools1 to enable the pupil to become thoroughly acquainted with the principles which govern the use of our language4 ,it is because many persons1 not having acquired the habit of correct speech1 do not think to apply the rules of grammar in conversation4 ,were children accustomed from infancy to hear only correct ,english1 there would be but little need to memorize arbitrary rules of grammar1 for they would1 from habit1 speak and write correctly4 ,thus it is that the children of educated parents are generally so easy and graceful in their conversation1 contrasted with the children of the uneducated4 ,our language1 like our manners1 is caught from those with whom we associate4 ,several other nations are far in advance of our own in the thoroughness with which their youth are drilled in the use of language4 ,in ,france1 a knowledge of the ,french language1 spoken and written1 is regarded as of special importance4 ,in all entrance examinations1 or examinations for promotion or graduation1 the pupil's knowledge of his native tongue is first determined2 and no promotions are allowed1 and no diplomas granted1 if the student is notably deficient in this regard1 even though his knowledge of the other required branches should prove to be all that could be desired4 ,we have not so high a standard in the ,united ,states4 ,it has been but a few years since a definite knowledge of ,english was added to the requirements for admission to ,american colleges1 and even now it has not1 in any of our educational institutions1 the relative weight in determining examinations which ,french and ,german have in the systems of those countries4 ,while great improvement has been made in teaching ,english1 and while better methods are employed than formerly1 it is still safe to say that in no other branch of study1 pursued with equal diligence1 are the results so unsatisfactory4 ,surely in no other way do we so clearly show the degree of our culture and refinement as by our every-day conversation4 ,is it not important1 then1 that we devote our efforts seriously1 and with infinite patience1 if necessary1 to mastering a matter so essential8 ,the selection of good ,english does not necessarily imply either a stilted monotony of speech1 or a tiresome affectation4 ,it is simply elegance and naturalness4 ,there is no reason why any person1 however humble his station in life1 should not hope to speak his native language correctly4 ,it is an accomplishment which is not expensive4 ,in its acquirement one does not require high-priced teachers4 ,it demands only care and attention4 ,be critical of yourself4 ,watch your sentences4 ,get your companions to correct your slips of the tongue4 ,say over correctly the troublesome sentence until the mistake becomes impossible4 ,listening to well educated persons and reading the best literature are both of great assistance in this direction1 especially if we offer to both the sincere flattery of imitation4 ,our literature teems with masterpieces of style4 ,to read them consistently is to imbibe a certain facility of diction4 ,there are many persons who1 while they do not violate the rules of technical grammar1 habitually indulge in slang1 hyperbole1 and in many weeds of speech which should be pulled up promptly and cast aside4 ,a great many boys and girls1 and even some older persons1 imagine that the use of slang lends piquancy and force to their conversation4 ,slang is always an element of weakness4 ,it is bad enough in a man1 but in women it is far more questionable4 ,it is not the expression of the refined4 ,to the cultivated taste it is discordant4 ,another fault prevalent among girls is the habit of hyperbole4 ,perfectly1 awfully1 nice1 and splendid1 are the four most overworked words1 and awfully is the most abused of them all4 ,it is strange1 the hold this word has secured in the vocabulary of girls who1 in almost all other respects1 are considerate in their use of ,english4 ,persons are called awfully good1 awfully bad1 awfully clever1 awfully stupid1 awfully nice1 awfully jolly and awfully kind4 ,it is made to do duty on all occasions and under all circumstances1 as though it were the only adverb admissible in good society4 ,among adjectives1 splendid easily ranks as the most popular4 ,to many1 everything is splendid1 whether it is a flower1 a sunset1 a dinner1 a football game1 a friend1 a sermon1 or a book4 ,then we are continually hearing that certain things are perfectly splendid1 perfectly lovely1 perfectly hateful1 perfectly glorious1 perfectly magnificent and perfectly sweet4 ,how word-stricken society would do without these expressions it is difficult to determine1 yet certain it is that the woman who deals recklessly in superlatives demonstrates forthwith that her judgment is dominated by her impulses1 that her opinions are of doubtful reliability1 and her criticisms valueless4 ,in a recent number of one of the popular magazines ,prof4 ,brander ,matthews has an article on the prevailing indifference in regard to the proper use of words4 ,the points which he emphasizes are these3 ,the gentleman is never indifferent1 never reckless in his language4 ,the sloven in speech is quite as offensive as a sloven in manner and dress4 ,the neat turning of a phrase is as agreeable to the ear as neatness of person is to the refined taste4 ,a man should choose his words at least as carefully as he chooses his clothing2 even a hint of the dandy is not objectionable1 if it be but a hint4 ,it is even better to go to the extreme of fastidiousness than to indulge the opposite extreme of negligence4 ,the art of writing letters is but another phase of the same matter4 ,indeed it is but conversation carried on with the pen1 when distance or circumstances prevent the easier method of exchanging ideas by spoken words4 ,it is an art which should be faithfully cultivated by those who desire to please4 ,in social life1 in business1 in almost every other circumstance of life1 we find our pen called into requisition4 ,yet while it is an almost indispensable accomplishment1 it is one which is pitifully neglected4 ,the art of letter-writing is becoming obsolete2 that is1 the art of writing such letters as enriched the epistolary literature of a former generation4 ,this is unfortunate1 as there is nothing that will so stimulate thought1 and bring into activity1 practical1 every-day niceties of phrase as the exercise of this art4 ,constant drill in letter-writing will tend to take from one's vocabulary words which have no place there1 and will accomplish quite as much as any other means to broaden1 beautify1 and to refine the language at our command1 as well as to train the mind to exact habits of thinking4 ,a further important consideration is the charm which a gem of a letter has for the delighted recipient4 ,the indispensable requisites of a good letter are neatness of chirography1 simplicity1 and grammatical correctness4 ,defects in any one of these particulars are scarcely pardonable4 ,we cannot all be pretty writers1 but we can all write legibly and give to the page the appearance of neatness4 ,scribbling is inexcusable4 ,a scribbled page points to a scribbling mind1 while clear1 legible handwriting is not only an indication of clear thinking1 but a means and promoter of accurate thought4 ,indeed1 simply as a business proposition1 one cannot afford to become a slovenly penman4 ,and who1 says ,the ,philadelphia ,record1 does not know the charm of a gracefully worded1 legibly written letter1 with its wide margins1 its clear1 black ink and dainty stationery8 ,an art1 indeed1 is the writing of such a missive2 an art which it behooves every woman to cultivate4 ,a hastily written line betraying signs of carelessness1 and scrawled on an indifferent sheet of paper is a poor compliment1 indeed1 to the receiver1 and elicits anything but flattering comments upon the writer4 ,careless speech is quite bad enough1 but the charm of the speaker may be so great as to disarm criticism4 ,the letter1 however1 the written word1 stands on its own merits2 what is writ is writ4 ,there is no graceful vivacity to plead for the writer2 no coquetry of manner to distract the glance of the reader from the errors coldly set forth in black and white4 ,observe1 then1 the utmost care in inditing an epistle1 whether to a friend or foe or to a lover4 ,never send forth a letter in undress1 so to speak1 scarcely more than you would present yourself en dishabille before your most formal acquaintances4 ,the one is almost as flagrant as the other4 ,,tact ,,in ,,conversation4 ,ask only the well about their health4 ,discretion in speech is more than eloquence4 ,,bacon4 ,brilliancy in conversation is to the company what a lighted candle is to a dark room--it lightens the whole of it4 ,but every now and then some unskilful person1 in attempting to clip the wick to make it brighter1 snuffs it out4 ,,james ,c4 ,,beeks4 ,seldom does there occur in society any lapse so astonishing as the uncomfortable remarks innocently made by men and women to each other4 ,some persons who are careful and considerate in other respects1 seem to have a woeful lack of that quality which we call tact4 ,they wish to be pleasing2 they would not for the world intentionally say or do anything to injure or wound the sensitiveness of a friend2 yet they are continually saying those things that would better have been left unsaid4 ,harper's ,bazar mentions some of these speeches which have no excuse for being4 ,what a dear little fellow that is6 said a caller to the mother of a three-year-old4 ,he is a great comfort to us1 replied the mother1 stroking the child's long curls4 ,yes2 ,i should think so4 ,he is not pretty1 is he8 ,his hair is so beautiful now that at the first glance one would call him pretty4 ,but if you imagine how he will look when those golden curls are cut off1 you will see that he will be a very plain child4 ,said another woman to an acquaintance3 ,mrs4 ,a41 ,i hope you will pardon me for saying that ,i think ,i never saw a more beautiful piece of lace than the flounce on the gown that you wore to the ,assembly ,ball last week4 ,i said to my husband afterward that if ,mr4 ,a4 should fail again and lose everything1 as he has done once or twice already1 you could sell that lace and easily get a good price for it4 ,the same woman1 while making a visit of several weeks1 said to her hostess1 as the time of her departure drew near3 ,i always think that the nicest thing about making a visit is the returning to one's home4 ,one's family are always so glad to see one1 and there is always great luxury to me in getting back to my own house1 where ,i can do what ,i please1 say what ,i please1 and order what ,i want to eat4 ,again1 there are people who seem to think that it is their mission to puncture every person's infirmity with whom they come in contact4 ,they study to speak disagreeably4 ,they corner you in the social circle1 and talk about the subject they know to be most disagreeable to you1 and talk in a tone sufficiently loud to be heard by all the other persons in the room4 ,if you have made a blunder they reveal it4 ,if you have been unsuccessful in any of your undertakings they are sure to inquire about it1 even to details4 ,they unroll your past and dilate upon your future4 ,they put you on the rack every time you meet them and there is an instinctive recoil when you perceive their approach4 ,we all know these persons1 says ,zion's ,herald1 the persons who always utter the unsuitable word1 who make themselves generally disagreeable1 who never1 apparently1 try to make a pleasing impression upon others1 but who delight to sting and wound4 ,are we not all acquainted with the neighbor mentioned in this quotation3 ,as a brief and sharp tormentor1 as a nail in the boot1 a rocker for the shins on a dark night1 or a sharp angle for the ulnar nerve1 ,mrs4 ,r----1 our neighbor1 excels all persons ,i ever saw4 ,i am quite sure if she could disturb a corpse by whispering to it that its shroud was ill-fitting1 and the floral gifts were not what had been expected1 she would do it4 ,if you are a woman have you not more than once gone out for a walk with some other woman who is never satisfied with your appearance8 ,she gives your gown a pull1 saying3 ,this dress never did fit you2 it isn't at all becoming to you1 why didn't you wear your other one8 ,you soon begin to feel uncomfortable1 and to wish you were at home again4 ,your bonnet may be never so becoming1 or your new jacket may fit you to perfection1 but she never mentions either4 ,she notices only defects2 she sees all that is disagreeable4 ,such persons always leave an uncomfortable feeling behind them when they leave you4 ,sarcasm is not a quality to be cultivated by either sex4 ,men do not like it in women4 ,it may be amusing when it is directed against another1 but there is always a lurking fear that it may some time be directed against one's self4 ,sarcasm is a rank weed1 that1 once sprouted1 grows and grows1 choking out the little plants of kindness1 forethought and consideration1 until it overruns the garden of the mind1 dominating and controlling every thought with a disagreeable1 pungent odor that cannot be eradicated4 ,the sarcastic girl is not fascinating1 for she is not a pleasing companion4 ,she is too sharp to be agreeable4 ,she may possess talent above the average of her acquaintances2 she may be able to talk in half a dozen different languages2 she may be as beautiful as a ,greek statue2 but men fight shy of her4 ,sarcasm is not wit1 though wit may be sarcastic4 ,one may be bright and say all manner of clever things without hurting the feelings of others by keen1 knife-edged opinions that are full of bitterness and teeming with gall4 ,the tactful person does not make the mistake of talking too much about himself4 ,while we are young1 at least1 we are very interesting to ourselves1 and we are likely to imagine that all the world is interested in our opinions1 prejudices and tastes4 ,but though this may be true of our dearest friends1 it is not true as far as other people are concerned4 ,without question1 says the ,magnet1 our conversation must be based upon what we have experienced in one way or another4 ,but that does not make it necessary for us to talk continually about ourselves4 ,if we should examine carefully the things we say to the merest acquaintances1 we would be astonished1 oftentimes1 to see that we assume an interest in ourselves which we have no right to expect4 ,people who are ill are likely to make indiscriminate claims upon sympathy1 entertaining strangers as well as friends with detailed descriptions of their latest symptoms1 and the doctor's latest remedies4 ,some of us who have not the excuse of illness1 impose on the persons we meet by obliging them to listen to a great deal of personal information which may be of interest to ourselves1 and possibly to those who love us very dearly1 but scarcely to any one else4 ,several years ago the ,christian ,union related this incident3 ,the social occasion was a dinner4 ,one of the guests was a woman who had passed middle life2 good taste1 ample means1 with womanly grace and natural refinement1 made her an addition to any circle4 ,the hostess of the occasion was a woman who prided herself on her ability to meet the requirements of her station4 ,she had no doubt as to her fitness in any social capacity1 but her friends had not the same unquestioning faith in her tact4 ,the gentle guest found to her delight that she was assigned to the care of the son of an old school friend1 and inwardly thanked her hostess for the consideration and thoughtfulness which made it possible for her to hear from her friend1 whom she had not met in years4 ,the guests were no sooner seated at the table than the hostess leaned toward the young man1 and1 in a voice perfectly audible to the entire company1 said3 ,never mind1 ,bob1 ,i will do better for you next time4 ,for one minute there was perfect silence1 the lady and her escort alike appalled by what had been said2 but the kindliness of the guest overcame the embarrassing moment by calling the attention of the young man to the roses on the table1 which1 she said to him with a smile1 were great favorites of his mother when she was in school4 ,this broke the ice4 ,the hostess was perfectly unconscious that she had been guilty of any rudeness4 ,her intention was to be particularly polite to the young man2 first to assure him that he would be her guest again1 and1 secondly1 that she would then have a rosebud to assign to his care4 ,the amusing part was that the young man greatly admired his mother's friend1 and had frequently been her guest on his visits to the city4 ,it is difficult to imagine how a woman could move in society to any extent and remain capable of such a blunder1 and yet we have all passed through similar experiences at the hands of people whose social experience should render such tactlessness impossible4 ,there comes to mind now an imposing woman1 who prided herself on the fact that she always said just what she thought4 ,at a reception1 she filled the room by her manner2 it was impossible to continue oblivious of her presence4 ,bowing affably to her acquaintances1 she sailed--for women of this type do not walk--up to a modest little lady whose health1 she had heard1 was declining1 and in a loud voice exclaimed3 ,what have you been doing to yourself8 ,you have aged fifteen years since last ,i saw you6 ,not unkind by intention1 she was but practising her system of saying just what she thought1 and she was constantly urging upon her friends the propriety of this course2 but what an unbearable place our world would be if we all followed this example of inane and inconsiderate bluntness4 ,so the woman who is always finding in you resemblances to some other person whom she has met1 creates many of the uncomfortable experiences of social life1 and when she thinks it interesting to exploit the character of your prototype1 dwelling upon the mental and physical defects1 she becomes unbearable4 ,yet society has1 as yet1 found no sure way to eliminate her4 ,such infelicities are not the outcrop of unkindness so much as of a certain ineptitude or lack of savoir faire4 ,such people feel constrained to do their share of the talking1 but have not acquired tactfulness in selecting the topic1 nor alertness to avoid the pitfalls--both of which traits may by sedulous self-training be acquired by any one in whom1 unhappily1 they are not innate4 ,in one of these instances bad manners were the natural expression of the woman1 because her impulse was selfish2 for it is certainly true that a person of truly unselfish nature will not offend by making personal remarks4 ,manners are the expression of the heart1 and the man or woman who lives mentally in kindly1 thoughtful relations with fellow men and women will refrain from expressing the thought which might possibly give offence4 ,there is no mystery in social grace4 ,it is remembering other people in their several relations to us4 ,the woman who is a social success is not the one who has for her purpose in life so much the desire merely to please1 but the one whose desire1 rather1 is to make others happy4 ,one is a polite purpose2 the other is a fine type of unselfishness that makes impossible the utterance of unwelcome truths to the chagrin of anyone encountered in the casual personal contact that we term society4 ,holmes gave us some good advice when he said3 ,don't flatter yourselves that friendship authorizes you to say disagreeable things to your intimates4 ,on the contrary1 the nearer you come into relation with a person1 the more necessary do tact and courtesy become4 ,,the ,,compliment ,,of ,,attention4 ,were we as eloquent as angels we should please some people more by listening than by talking4 ,a good listener is as needful to a witty talker as steel to flint4 ,it is the sharp contact of the two which makes the sparks fly4 ,there are certain amenities attending social intercourse with which we are all familiar1 yet we are constantly forgetting to put them into practice4 ,in no respect is this forgetfulness more noticeable than in conversation1 and especially in connection with what may be called the compliment of attention4 ,if you despair of becoming a good talker you can1 at least1 make yourself a good listener1 and that is something not to be despised4 ,there are apt to be more good talkers than good listeners1 and1 although to say so may sound paradoxical1 the better you listen1 the greater will be your reputation as a conversationalist4 ,in the opinion of the cynical ,rochefoucauld1 the reason why so few persons make themselves agreeable in conversation1 is because they are more concerned about what they are themselves going to say1 than what others are saying to them4 ,if you have read ,nicholas ,nickleby1 you remember ,mrs4 ,nickleby tells how remarkable ,smike was as a converser4 ,she entertained poor ,smike for several hours with a genealogical account of her family1 including biographical sketches1 while he sat looking at her and wondering what it was all about1 and whether she learned it from a book or said it from her own head4 ,said a writer in the ,chicago ,herald3 ,what is there1 indeed1 more colloquial than an intelligent countenance1 eagerly intent upon one while telling a story8 ,what language can be compared to the speaking blush or flashing eye of an earnest listener8 ,it was ,desdemona1 with greedy ear devouring his discourse1 who won ,othello's heart4 ,he told his wondrous story1 and she listened--that only was the witchcraft he had used4 ,it is said of ,sir ,walter ,scott that1 although one of the best talkers in the world1 he was also the best listener4 ,with the same bland look he would watch1 throughout an entire evening1 the lips of his garrulous tormentor ignorantly discoursing on ,greek epigrams1 or crassly dilating on the intricacies of a parliamentary debate4 ,it was said of ,madame ,recamier that she listened most winningly1 and this was one secret of her wonderful power to charm4 ,we have all heard the story of ,madame de ,stael1 who1 by a clever stratagem1 was introduced to a deaf mute at a party4 ,she talked to him the whole evening1 and afterward declared that never before had she met so intelligent a listener and so fine a conversationalist4 ,do you remember the story told by ,sterne in ,the ,sentimental ,journey8 ,he had been represented to a ,french lady as a great wit and an engaging converser1 and the lady was impatient for an introduction that she might hear him talk4 ,they met1 and1 writes ,sterne3 ,i had not taken my seat before ,i saw she did not care a sou whether ,i had any wit or no4 ,i was to be convinced that she had4 ,i call heaven to witness ,i never once opened the door of my lips4 ,the lady afterward said she never in her life had a more improving conversation with a man4 ,many other instances might be mentioned derived from both fact and fiction1 to show how attentive listening may enhance the delights of conversation1 and that one may sometimes gain a reputation for conversational powers by exercising one's ear instead of one's tongue4 ,a frequent caller at my home1 said a lady1 is a capital story-teller1 always instructive and pleasing2 but she is a poor listener4 ,when my part of the conversation comes in1 her manner is depressing4 ,i feel embarrassed1 my words become tangled1 my memory leaves me1 and ,i hurry to close my remarks1 conscious of having made a weak argument1 although ,i had a point when ,i began4 ,my friend loses her easy manner when ,i speak1 becomes restless1 and breaks in upon me before ,i have fairly begun4 ,her unresponsive eyes tell me as plainly of her superiority as though she had written it in black and white4 ,clergymen1 teachers1 and public speakers understand and appreciate better than others the compliment of attention4 ,embarrassing1 indeed1 is it to anyone who is talking to observe signs of weariness and inattention on the part of one's hearers4 ,those not accustomed to stand before an audience seldom realize that a speaker feels and understands1 without conscious endeavor1 the attitude toward him of every member of his audience4 ,the good listener inspires and encourages him1 while the restless1 inattentive auditor is a thorn in the flesh1 irritating and distracting4 ,at the close of a lecture given a few years ago in a town in ,maine1 the lecturer--who was a state superintendent of schools--turned to the writer and asked3 ,who are those two ladies dressed in black1 standing there by the window8 ,after telling him their names the writer said1 ,why do you ask8 ,the lecturer replied3 ,they have been of great help to me all the evening4 ,they are delightful listeners4 ,they appeared to appreciate so thoroughly everything ,i said that ,i seemed to be talking especially for their benefit4 ,that girl1 said a teacher1 pointing to an attractive young lady just leaving the school-room1 is the most restful pupil ,i ever had in my school4 ,she is so gentle in her demeanor1 so thoughtful and so attentive during recitations1 that one cannot help loving her4 ,no matter how restless the other members of the school become1 she is always giving the closest attention4 ,if one could have an entire school like her1 teaching would be a delight2 but she is one among fifty4 ,we gain many things besides the good will of others1 by being good listeners1 even though we must sometimes submit to be bored to an unlimited degree without interrupting the speaker1 or responding in any other way than by nods and becks and wreathed smiles4 ,open your mouth and shut your eyes and see what heaven will send you1 says the old maxim2 but1 shut your mouth and open your eyes1 has been suggested as much more sensible advice under some circumstances4 ,but1 you say1 we are told that ,samuel ,johnson1 ,tennyson and ,macaulay1 and many other great thinkers1 usually monopolized the conversation when they were in company1 and their friends delighted to listen to them4 ,surely they gave but little heed to 'the compliment of attention4' ,very true1 but no doubt they would have been sometimes more agreeable to the company if they had been more considerate of the wishes of other people4 ,great men are great in spite of their weaknesses1 not because of them4 ,we can forgive unpleasant propensities in a genius more easily than in the average mortal1 and as almost all of us are average mortals1 without a trace of anything akin to genius1 we cannot afford to dispense with any of those qualities which help to make us pleasing to others4 ,we should remember that there was but one ,macaulay--a man who could talk brilliantly on almost all subjects--and notwithstanding his brilliancy1 his friends admitted that he was often something of a bore4 ,a very useful lesson may be learned from a little story which appeared some years ago in ,the ,youth's ,companion3 ,george ,paul1 a young civil engineer1 while surveying a railway in the ,pennsylvania hills1 met a plain1 lovable little country girl1 and married her4 ,after a few weeks he brought her home to his family in ,new ,york1 and left her there while he returned to camp4 ,marian had laid many plans to win the affections of her new kinsfolk4 ,she had practiced diligently at her music2 she was sure they would be pleased to hear her stories of her beautiful sister and her brother2 she imagined their admiration of her new blue silk gown and winter bonnet4 ,but the ,pauls1 one and all1 were indifferent to her music1 her family and her gowns4 ,they gave ,george's wife a friendly welcome1 and then each went on his or her way1 and paid no more attention to her4 ,after the first shock of disappointment ,marian summoned her courage4 ,if ,i have nothing to give them1 they have much to give me1 she thought1 cheerfully4 ,she listened eagerly when ,isabel sung1 and her smiles and tears showed how keenly she appreciated the music4 ,she examined ,louisa's paintings every day with unflagging interest1 discussed every effect1 and was happy if she could help mix the colors or prepare the canvas4 ,she questioned grandma about her neuralgia1 advised new remedies1 or listened unwearied to the account of old ones day after day4 ,when ,uncle ,john1 just returned from ,japan1 began to describe his adventures1 ,marian was the only auditor who never grew tired nor interrupted him4 ,after a two hours' lecture1 in which her part had been that of a dumb1 bright-faced listener1 ,uncle ,john declared that ,george's wife was the most intelligent woman he had ever met4 ,when ,george came home the whole family was loud in her praises4 ,she was a fine musician2 she had unerring taste in art2 she was charming1 witty and lovable4 ,but ,george soon saw that she had won them unconsciously--not by displaying her own merits1 but by appreciating theirs4 ,this is a true story in fact1 but the truth of its meaning is repeated wherever a woman is found who has that quality called charm4 ,she may be plain or even deformed1 but she will win friendship and love4 ,many an attractive girl would save herself much anxiety and vain effort on her entrance into the world of society1 if she understood that society1 so called1 is composed of individuals1 the most of whom desire not to find the beauty1 the wit1 the talent of others1 but to elicit the cordial recognition by others1 of their own4 ,,the ,,voice4 ,tender tones prevent severe truths from offending4 ,there are tones which set commonplace words apart1 and give them lights and deeps of meaning1 just as one fine emotion idealizes and exalts a homely face4 ,there is no power of love so effective as a kind voice4 ,a kind hand is deaf and dumb4 ,it may be rough in flesh and blood1 yet do the work of a soft heart1 and do it with a soft touch4 ,but there is no one thing that love so much needs as a sweet voice to tell what it means and feels4 ,in our efforts to please1 while much depends upon what we say1 quite as much depends upon how we say it4 ,the influence of a pleasing voice is wonderful2 who has not felt its charm8 ,it has been said that the greatest defect in the ,american woman is her voice1 and while this may not be strictly true1 there are heard in conversation at home and abroad many voices more unpleasant than necessary--more harsh1 more rasping4 ,a woman's voice may imply good breeding1 or the reverse1 and in estimating the power of feminine charms1 a pleasing voice should be placed very near the head of the list4 ,is it not strange1 then1 that so little effort is made to remedy defects in vocal expression8 ,we cultivate the voice for singing and for elocutionary effects1 but little is done for the average boy or girl by way of training the voice for the everyday effect4 ,only a few can sing well enough to give pleasure to others1 but we all talk every day of our lives1 and often the quality of our voice speaks more significantly than the words we utter4 ,a sympathetic tone will often win us a friend1 though what we say may be of little importance4 ,purity of accent plays a great part in the art of charming1 and it has been truly said that a woman may be ugly1 old1 without distinction or instruction1 but if she have a soft1 insinuating1 mellow-toned voice1 she will charm as much as her more beautiful sister4 ,a telephone operator in a place near ,new ,york was on a certain ,christmas the recipient of checks for five1 ten and a hundred dollars1 a diamond pin1 a dress pattern1 and eight boxes of confectionery2 although she was known to the donors only by her gentle voice1 by the deference of its tone1 by her readiness to accommodate1 and by her office number as one of the operators4 ,why is it that we regard vocal training and oral expression as something to be confined wholly to the specialists8 ,we think such training is needed by public speakers and readers1 and by all who intend to make a professional use of the voice1 but we do not appreciate its value for the average man or woman4 ,what should we think1 says ,expression1 of a woman who dresses in the richest of apparel1 who is extremely careful of every point of dress1 but who speaks with a nasal twang and throaty tone1 and makes no effort to correct the fault8 ,we know that this is often the case4 ,why is not the inconsistency corrected8 ,why is there no endeavor to improve the voice and make it beautiful and winning8 ,what a sensitiveness people exhibit about going abroad with a smudge on the face2 but1 alas6 there is little sensitiveness regarding a smudge on one's voice4 ,the truth is that voice culture should not be confined to the few1 but should become a prescribed branch of the education of boys and girls generally4 ,not alone are the voices of the women too often unmelodious1 but those of the men also need attention4 ,a fine voice may be of inestimable value to a man4 ,the majority of the celebrated orators have been aided by the possession of a good voice1 along with the knowledge requisite to enable them to employ it effectively4 ,mr4 ,lecky says that ,o',connell's voice1 rising with a melodiously modulated swell1 filled the largest auditoriums and triumphed over the wildest tumult1 while at the same time it conveyed every shade of feeling with the most delicate flexibility4 ,mr4 ,gladstone's voice is said to have had the musical quality and the resonance of a silver trumpet2 while ,william ,pitt1 who was a ruler in ,parliament at the age of twenty-one1 possessed a voice of masterful power yet of a wonderful sweetness4 ,webster's voice1 on the occasion of his reply to ,senator ,dickinson1 was so commanding1 so forceful1 that one of his listeners said he felt all the night as if a heavy cannonade had been resounding in his ears4 ,garrick used to say that he would give one hundred guineas if he could say ,oh as ,whitefield would say it4 ,but1 you declare1 nature has not given us voices like the voices of those celebrated men1 and we must be content with what we have4 ,while nature may not have bestowed upon us their melodious voices1 we can do much to improve our own4 ,a study of biography will inform us that many of the most successful speakers1 whether actors or orators1 have been men and women possessing some native defect of speech or figure which they resolutely mastered by patient1 persevering application4 ,we all know of ,demosthenes' impediment of speech1 and are familiar with the story of his months of struggle and his final success4 ,savonarola1 when he first spoke in the cathedral at ,florence1 was considered a failure1 on account of his wretched voice and awkward manner4 ,phillips ,brooks1 one of the greatest preachers ,america has produced1 was told by his college president that the ministry was out of the question for him because of his nervousness and the defects of his speech4 ,it would be easy to multiply instances to show that the most awkward body and the roughest voice may be brought under control4 ,in fact1 where the voice is imperfect and the man is obliged to make a determined effort to master it1 he attains by this means1 a mental vigor and an emotional strength and a flexibility of voice and mind1 as well as a command over the body1 which render his delivery in the highest degree effective4 ,again1 it is not sufficient that we have naturally a melodious voice2 we must know how1 or else learn how1 to use it4 ,there must be feeling and expression in one's tones4 ,if we wish to express cordiality1 words are futile unless the voice sounds the feeling we wish to express4 ,we need to learn how to modulate the voice so as to make it a true reflex of the mind and mood4 ,unless it tells of sincerity1 apologies fail to convince of a contrite spirit4 ,unless it conveys confidence1 protestations are in vain2 yet the very tone of one's voice may allay bitterness1 though one may stumble over the words of an apology4 ,if1 then1 one recognizes the fact that his voice is colorless and devoid of feeling1 though his heart be warm1 let him at once apply himself to remedying the defect4 ,listen to your own voice when speaking1 and note the harsh1 strident tones1 and the imperfect inflection1 and correct them4 ,many girls speak in a nervous1 jerky1 rapid way1 beginning a sentence and repeating a portion of it two or three times before completing it4 ,some speak in high1 shrill tones which are not only displeasing but positively irritating because discordant4 ,some speak too fast1 while others1 going to the opposite extreme1 simply drawl4 ,these are defects which can be corrected1 and1 by correcting them we add measurably to our power to charm4 ,if you do not understand the imperfections of your tone productions1 or the faults in your manner of speaking1 or if you have trouble in correcting them1 go to one who does know1 and who is as sensitive to the speaking voice as he is to the singing voice4 ,it may cost you something to do this1 but it will be money judiciously expended4 ,you take music lessons1 both vocal and instrumental1 and you do not consider the money expended for such lessons as wasted even though you have no intention of going upon the stage in opera or of becoming a professional pianist4 ,you study music as an accomplishment4 ,why then should you not give some time1 and if need be1 a little money for the purpose of perfecting your speaking voice1 if by so doing you can make yourself more agreeable to others4 ,you may not be called upon very often to sing or play for other people1 but you will talk every day and many times each day1 and the voice is the agent of the soul's expression4 ,the art of singing1 says ,the ,boston ,herald1 strange to say1 does not include the art of speaking1 for some very fine singers have harsh and unmusical voices in conversation4 ,but with all the training now given to the rising generation1 voice education should be considered4 ,take the rasp and the hardness out of your sons' and daughters' speech1 and give them another grace with which to conquer society4 ,the importance of what we say and how we say it1 has never been more clearly or pointedly expressed than in this quotation from an ,american writer3 ,a man may look like a monkey and yet turn out to be a philosopher2 a man may dress like a vagabond1 and yet have the intuitions of a scholar and a gentleman4 ,the face1 the expression of the eye1 the dress1 the manner even1 may all be deceptive1 but the voice and speech of men and women classify them infallibly4 ,,good ,,manners4 ,life is not so short but that there is always time for courtesy4 ,,emerson4 ,politeness is real kindness kindly expressed4 ,this is the sum and substance of all true politeness4 ,put it in practice and all will be charmed with your manner4 ,young men generally would doubtless be thoroughly astonished if they could comprehend at a single glance how greatly their personal happiness1 popularity1 prosperity1 and usefulness depend on their manners4 ,j4 ,g4 ,,holland4 ,in attracting others to us the value of a pleasing manner cannot be estimated4 ,it is like sunshine4 ,we feel it at once1 and we are attracted to the person who possesses it4 ,give a boy address and accomplishments1 said ,emerson1 and you give him the mastery of palaces and fortunes wherever he goes2 he has not the trouble of earning or owning them3 they solicit him to enter and possess4 ,much has been written upon this subject4 ,indeed1 so much has been said1 and said so well1 that there will be little attempt to do anything else in this chapter than to bring together some of the best thoughts of the best authors4 ,the men and women who have accomplished great things in the world have1 as a rule1 understood the value of politeness1 and have acted in accordance with that knowledge4 ,you can1 possibly1 recall a very few exceptions1 but these were persons great in spite of their lack of courtesy1 and they would have been even greater had they practiced the art of gentle manners4 ,the ,duke of ,marlborough1 whose general education was in some respects sadly neglected1 had so irresistible a charm of manner that he swayed the destinies of nations4 ,mirabeau1 who was unattractive in person1 won by his politeness the good will of all with whom he came in contact4 ,there has been no time in the history of the world when good manners counted for more than they do at the present time4 ,in fact1 to-day more than ever before a man is dependent for success upon his personality4 ,good manners often bring to one many things that wealth cannot procure1 and politeness has won more victories than powder4 ,no one1 says an ,american writer1 who has any appreciation of grace and beauty in nature or in art can fail to recognize the charm of fine manners in an individual4 ,we rejoice in them as we do in a lovely sunset view1 or a beautiful piece of architecture1 or a fascinating poem1 for their own sake and for what they express2 but even beyond this they have another attraction in the magnetic power they exert upon all beholders in setting them at ease1 in sweeping away shyness1 awkwardness and restraint1 and in stimulating them to the expression of whatever is best worth cherishing within them4 ,it is undoubtedly true that the presence of fine manners1 whether it be in the home or the social circle1 in the workshop or the counting-room1 in the visit of charity or the halls of legislation1 has an immediate effect in reproducing itself1 in diffusing happiness1 in developing the faculties1 and in eliciting the best that is in everybody4 ,surely there is no quality that a girl or a woman can possess which recommends her more favorably to the good opinion of others than that of uniform courtesy and good manners4 ,william ,wirt's letter to his daughter on the small1 sweet courtesies of life1 contains a passage from which a deal of happiness may be learned4 ,i want to tell you a secret4 ,the way to make yourself pleasant to others is to show them attention4 ,the whole world is like the miller at ,mansfield1 who cared for nobody--no not he1 because nobody cared for him4 ,and the whole world would serve you so1 if you gave them the same cause4 ,let everyone1 therefore1 see that you do care for them by showing them the small courtesies in which there is no parade1 whose voice is still to please2 and which manifest themselves by tender and affectionate looks1 and little acts of attention1 giving others the preference in every little enjoyment at the table1 walking1 sitting1 or standing4 ,young men who wish to make their way in the world cannot afford to forget that there is not in all the world a talisman of such potent magic as the irresistible spell of a charming manner4 ,while in some cases it seems innate1 it can1 in a great measure1 be acquired4 ,yet a careful observer of the young men of the present generation cannot fail to notice a tendency1 on the part of some at least1 to disregard the small courtesies of life--the intangible1 yet very perceptible little things which make the man a gentleman4 ,some people even contend that outward manner is a secondary consideration if the head is well stored with knowledge1 and that if a young man has the faculty to get on in the world1 it is a matter of very little importance if he have not the manners of a ,chesterfield4 ,that this idea is prevalent is accounted for by the great number of well-educated men--men of ability and power--who1 clever and with no lack of brains1 are painfully deficient in good breeding4 ,with no intentional lapses they are awkward1 presuming1 and even vulgar4 ,in most countries1 says the ,toronto ,week1 an educated man and a gentleman are almost synonymous terms4 ,on this side of the ,atlantic they by no means always apply to the same man4 ,educational advantages are within the reach of all classes of people--even persons who have missed the benefit of home training for their manners1 or who have not numbered cultured persons among their acquaintances4 ,such persons by native ability and hard work often attain to high positions of honor and trust in the various professions1 and win for themselves the title of 'self-made4' ,yet because a man by his brains1 energy1 and pluck carves out his own fortune1 putting himself in a prominent position1 is it not very desirable that he should also cultivate the courtesies of life so that the talent be not hidden by roughness and uncultivated bearing4 ,we frequently meet college students--especially from the smaller colleges--good1 honest1 earnest1 ambitious fellows1 who are working hard to make their way in the world4 ,they are poor1 and have come from homes where the stern realities of gaining a livelihood have left1 apparently1 no time for culture2 where the table manners are but little better than those of the logging camp1 and where the graces of refined speech and manners have never even taken root4 ,they may take never so high a rank in their college studies1 may pursue the work preparatory to a profession with never so much diligence1 yet they will always be handicapped by their ignorance of those embellishments so necessary to social1 and even business1 success4 ,they find themselves continually placed at a disadvantage1 and their lack of social training is responsible for failures which might have been avoided4 ,because a man is a successful lawyer he is not justified in saying that he can be his own tailor1 or that ill-fitting clothes1 if belonging to him and of his own make1 are as suitable as those of a good cut4 ,so it is with the intellectual giant who takes no heed of his manners4 ,he may learn much from less talented persons1 who are1 nevertheless1 his superiors in many respects4 ,desirable as it may be for a young man to shun the extravagance of the aesthete1 and to despise the shams of society1 he cannot afford to neglect the courtesies of life2 and he does well who1 while devoting his energies to mathematics and the classics1 pays attention to the improvement of his manners4 ,it is while young that manners are formed2 the most strenuous efforts will not wholly eradicate in after life the awkward habits formed in youth4 ,the young man who is ambitious1 upon whom ,dame ,fortune is already turning a dawning smile1 should pause and think about this matter4 ,some time he may be rich2 some time he may aspire to a high position in society or in public life1 and he should begin early to fit himself for the proud position he means to occupy4 ,the outward address of a man has no little influence upon his success in business4 ,the polite attention and readiness to meet every reasonable1 and often unreasonable1 demand of his customers1 on the part of ,a4 ,t4 ,stewart1 when he opened his narrow linen store on ,broadway1 was almost as important a factor in his rapid success in securing business as his remarkable quickness in discovering changes in the market1 and in adapting his goods to the taste and necessities of his patrons4 ,this marked self-restraint and politeness of manner he retained to the last4 ,it is strange that every business man does not appreciate the commercial value of politeness4 ,the writer knows a clerk who is employed in a drug store in one of the largest towns of ,maine4 ,so polite is he in his attentions to customers1 so willing to be helpful1 so pleasing in his manner1 with that restraint and quietness which mark the gentleman and destroy every trace of effusion1 that he has made himself invaluable to his employer4 ,it is reported that1 more than once1 his friends have urged him to establish a business of his own1 but his employer1 realizing his value in attracting and holding customers1 has turned him from the idea by a generous increase of salary4 ,thousands of clerks and thousands of professional and business men could greatly increase their earning power by closer attention to the accepted rules of courtesy4 ,some people excuse a roughness of manner by saying that they detest affectations of all kinds1 that they love the truth1 that they are perfectly frank and outspoken4 ,such people pride themselves upon their naturalness1 and on the ground of frankness they will wound by rude language1 will insult you1 and defend their awkwardness and ill-breeding by the plea of natural manners4 ,naturalness is not always commendable4 ,if nature has not invested us with those qualities which are pleasing to others1 we should try to improve upon nature4 ,the plainest truths may be conveyed in civil speech1 and it is better to assume a virtue if you have it not4 ,to object to politeness on the ground that its language is sometimes unmeaning and expressed for effect1 is as foolish as it would be to object to the decoration of our parlors or the wearing of good clothes4 ,in the ordinary compliments of good society there is no intention to deceive4 ,polite language is pleasant to the ear1 and soothing to the heart1 while rough words are the reverse1 and while they may not always be the result of bad temper1 they are quite likely to cause it4 ,the motive for politeness should not be the desire to shine1 or to raise one's self into society supposed to be better than one's own4 ,the cultivation of good manners is not merely a means to the gratification of personal vanity1 but it is a duty we owe not only to other people but to ourselves2 a duty to make ourselves better in every respect than we are4 ,indeed1 the true spirit of good manners is so nearly allied to that of good morals that they seem almost inseparable4 ,did you ever think how invisible is the armor of defence afforded by perfect politeness8 asks ,harper's ,bazar4 ,neither man1 woman nor child can resist it4 ,the quick tempered ,irish maid who loses her hold on her tongue so easily and 'answers back' with a hot retort is abashed when her mistress meets her with quiet courtesy4 ,the angry person1 off guard and saying what he really does not mean1 is foiled by the self-control of his interlocutor1 who has not1 for an instant1 forgotten the gracious manner of good breeding4 ,politeness is1 perhaps1 instinctive with some1 but with the majority it is a matter of training1 of the slow and careful discipline of voice and eye and carriage4 ,under this training all the angles of personal vanity and self-consciousness are rubbed off1 the person becomes adorned with grace1 ease1 simplicity and gentleness1 and what may seem to the untrained observer as the perfection of naturalness may be simply the perfection of culture4 ,very sensitive persons who suffer acutely from fancied slights can save themselves many wounds by always being as scrupulous in giving as they are in exacting courtesy4 ,to suffer one's self to perpetrate a rudeness is to lay one's self open to the same4 ,in nothing should we be less economical than in politeness4 ,it should lead us to prompt and generous acknowledgment of every kindness1 to responsive thanks when a gift1 however small1 is brought to our door4 ,it should oblige us to listen with patient attention even to the person whose conversation is not entertaining1 to sit apparently absorbed when in public we are present at concert or lecture4 ,this defensive armor1 so smooth1 so polished1 so easily worn1 will make our intercourse with society agreeable4 ,the fact is1 that when we come in contact with human beings anywhere and in any occupation1 we are quite likely to get in return just what we give4 ,a man who is always the gentleman seldom meets with rebuffs from even the most unpolished and crude4 ,the employer who uses kind words with his workmen1 usually gets kind words in return4 ,,dress4 ,no woman is ugly who is well dressed4 ,,spanish ,,proverb4 ,for the apparel oft proclaims the man4 ,,hamlet4 ,i believe in dress4 ,i believe that ,god delights in beautiful things1 and as he has never made anything more beautiful than woman1 ,i believe that that mode of dressing the form and face which best harmonizes with her beauty is that which pleases him best4 ,j4 ,g4 ,,holland4 ,as the author of this volume is a man1 this chapter on dress is1 of course1 written from a man's point of view4 ,he knows very well that1 were he to attempt to write scientifically of woman's clothes he would be lost4 ,no one but a woman can do that4 ,the man who tried it would soon find himself bewildered by a maze of technical terms and expressions which seem absolutely necessary to describe exactly what is meant4 ,possibly1 however1 the author can take a broad1 mental grasp of the subject apart from and above the pretty finesse with which feminine writers would treat the subject4 ,clothes are the woman's weapons1 one of the resources of civilization1 with which woman marches forth to the conquest of the masculine world1 and the writer wishes to estimate from the man's standpoint just how much the silks1 the laces1 the ribbons and the velvets have to do in influencing the masculine heart4 ,what one wears is accepted as an index of one's character4 ,whether this is as it should be or not1 yet it is true2 and we all feel1 more or less1 that coarseness or refinement finds visible expression in apparel as in no other way4 ,surely1 says ,the ,boston ,journal1 nothing so intensifies the personality as the clothes one wears2 through association they become a part of us1 help to identify us1 even in some peculiar1 reactionary way1 serve to control our mental states4 ,many women will tell you that their most infallible cure for weariness and the blues is to go and dress up in one of their prettiest gowns4 ,many men will tell you that a clean shave1 clean linen1 and a fresh suit of clothes are most reviving and soothing in their effect upon the psychical as well as the physical man4 ,the statement1 often made1 that women dress well only to please the men1 is only a fraction of the truth4 ,they dress to please the men2 to please one another1 and to please themselves4 ,which of these three motives is the strongest depends upon the individual1 for1--while there are men and men1 there are women and women and women1 and it is absurd to make any attempt to analyze motives or to formulate principles which will apply to all women4 ,the men who dress well do it for the women and for themselves4 ,the effect that their apparel has upon others of their own sex1 gives men but little concern4 ,if all the women should be taken from the world tailors would at once lose half their business1 for the men would immediately begin to wear out their old clothes4 ,as a rule1 few men care very much for fine clothes for their own sake1 but a love of dress is natural in woman1 and one who exhibits indifference in regard to her personal appearance convicts herself of either indolence1 self-righteousness or pedantry4 ,a woman who has not some natural taste in dress1 who does not take a positive delight in combinations of colors1 who is not fond of fine apparel for its own sake1 is an anomaly4 ,men do not notice details of a woman's dress4 ,few know enough about the subject to distinguish cheese-cloth from point d'esprit4 ,the description in detail of a new gown as given in a fashion journal is about as intelligible to the average man as the inscriptions on an ,assyrian tablet4 ,they accept the woman as a whole1 and consider her1 and what she has on1 as one harmonious1 homogeneous1 unanalyzable completeness4 ,if you doubt this ask a man to tell you how a certain lady was dressed at a reception he attended the evening before4 ,perhaps he noticed her particularly while there1 and told you at the time that she was becomingly attired4 ,he may be able to tell you that she wore a pink waist1 or that the prevailing color of her costume was blue1 but there his knowledge of the subject ends4 ,while it is true that men give but little thought to the details of a woman's dress1 unless it is conspicuously bad1 very many of them know whether she is becomingly attired or not4 ,while they may have no clear idea as to whether the material of a gown cost five cents or five dollars a yard1 or whether the gown itself is quite in fashion1 they know whether the owner carries it well1 and whether the material1 style and color are becoming to her4 ,perhaps1 on the whole1 a man of good taste is a better judge than a woman as to whether she is becomingly dressed4 ,this is because they regard the subject from entirely different standpoints4 ,the stylishly gowned woman is1 to the average woman1 well dressed1 but not necessarily so to the man4 ,it is a perpetual wonder to some men why women have not the courage to reject certain combinations and certain styles of dress that are inharmonious and ugly in themselves1 and1 consequently1 unbecoming to the one who wears them4 ,years ago certain colors were thought to be becoming to certain types of women4 ,there was an undisputed tradition in regard to the colors which the blonde should wear1 and also what ones were becoming to the brunette4 ,this was not a dictate of fashion2 it was a fact ascertained by experience4 ,of late these traditions have been disregarded by fashion1 and the stylish woman wears any color or combination she pleases1 but often at the sacrifice of her good looks4 ,fashion cannot change the laws of cause and effect--the laws of harmony--and if the decided brunette chooses to wear colors which are becoming only to blondes she does it at the expense of half her natural beauty4 ,men feel this and wonder what is amiss4 ,a few years ago fashion made quite common a style of sailor hat with diminutive crown made in the shape of an hour-glass4 ,they were ugly in themselves1 and when perched upon the head detracted from the beauty of any face4 ,nothing could be more ridiculous than the sight of a stout1 tall girl1 with broad hips and prominent features1 marching along the street with her head surmounted by that parody on the most becoming of all hats for a young woman--the sailor4 ,one at once called to mind the dice-box which the negro minstrel wears to make himself appear as funny as possible4 ,one man wittily characterized them as the hats that wore corsets4 ,men never liked them1 but thousands of them were worn4 ,from a man's point of view it would be far better if women made a more comprehensive and sensible study of their individual needs in dress and did not blindly follow the decrees of fashion2 if more women would realize that the garment suitable to a tall1 slim figure1 is utterly inappropriate to a stout1 short one4 ,when ,sara ,bernhardt invented the glove which was to give size and form to her thin and poorly shaped arm1 she recognized the highest aim of fashion4 ,when a woman is in need of a new hat or bonnet1 a man's advice would be3 ,hunt the tables until you find one which1 in shape and trimming1 is suitable and becoming to you4 ,never mind if it is not the very latest style2 if it suits your face and figure1 take it1 and you will not be sorry4 ,in furnishing a room we understand that we should put in it only what makes the room look better--not what is simply pretty in itself2 and if women would follow a similar plan in dress1--wear only what is becoming to them1 and not wear things1 simply because they think them pretty and fashionable1 men would be better pleased4 ,man is attracted by a woman's beauty itself1 and whether she has just the latest modes or not seldom interests him in the least4 ,so the girl who would dress to please men1 should1 first of all1 wear what will show off her natural attractiveness of face and figure to the best advantage2 after that she may be as fashionable as possible4 ,without doubt many girls attach too much importance to dress as a means of attracting the other sex4 ,it is frequently the case that1 when a young lady is invited to a social function1 her first thought is1 ,what shall ,i wear8 ,her second thought is1 ,what shall ,i wear8 ,this question is with her much of the time until she goes to the place where she is to be entertained2 and as she enters the room her first thought is1 ,i wonder how ,i look4 ,if1 upon an examination of the other young ladies present1 she concludes that she is as well dressed as anyone there1 she experiences a feeling of restfulness and of satisfaction1 and enjoys the evening4 ,she imagines she must be an object of interest to the men1 and to an extent she is4 ,men like women to be well groomed4 ,they take in her whole appearance at a glance1 and then pay but little further attention to the question of gowns1 ribbons1 slippers or sashes4 ,they want to be entertained and amused4 ,if the only preparation a young lady has made to render herself attractive and interesting is the care bestowed upon her personal appearance2 if her resources for attracting consist only of a pretty face and a graceful figure in a pretty gown1 she will never become famous for her conquests4 ,simplicity and exquisitely fresh neatness and daintiness are to a man more attractive than any extravagance of fashion or costliness of material4 ,no man was ever induced to propose to a girl by the splendor of her costume4 ,of course it would be absurd to assert that physical beauty is of no value1 or that dress is of little importance4 ,that girl who is born physically beautiful1 is fortunate indeed1 and any girl of common sense knows that an attractive gown or a becoming hat is of importance4 ,the great thing for her to understand is that there must be something better under the becoming hat than a pretty face1 for her own happiness1 and if she would be very attractive to others4 ,just as there are some persons who are said to be born magnetic1 so some women are supposed to have a peculiarly attractive way of wearing clothes which defies imitation4 ,said a writer in the ,springfield ,republican3 ,there is a subtle something which one cannot get on the microscopic slide1 which refuses to be reduced to percentages1 which baffles description1 and that is the manner in which some women wear their clothes4 ,two girls with faces of equal value and garments of identical texture will fail to produce equivalent effects1 because one has this indefinable quality1 and the other has not4 ,consequently we often hear it said that some girls are more attractive in calico than others in richer material4 ,that there is a marked difference in the way different women wear their clothes1 no one will deny1 but because some girls look and appear to better advantage than others in the same material1 is it necessary to regard it as beyond comprehension1 or to declare that it baffles description8 ,the writer did not go far enough in his description of the two girls4 ,while their faces were of equal value1 and their clothing was of the same material1 there might be other differences which would account for the indefinable quality4 ,possibly one was pleasing in manner and the other not4 ,one was awkward in person and in speech1 while the other was tactful and graceful4 ,one was dull2 the other interesting4 ,the difference was one of physical and mental characteristics1 and not a quality that baffles description4 ,indeed it is a difference easily understood and analyzed4 ,if two girls have faces and forms of equal value1 and are equally graceful1 tactful and well mannered1 their clothes1 if of the same form and material1 will be worn in much the same way1 and will produce much the same effect4 99 99 99 99 99 ,no man1 whatever his position in the world may be1 can afford to be careless about his personal appearance4 ,dress may not make the man1 but we all form in our minds a very clear idea of what a man is by his dress4 ,we gain our first impression of persons by what they have on2 our second judgment is formed from their conversation and manner4 ,the well dressed man is more attractive to others1 and he feels much better himself than he would if carelessly attired4 ,have you noticed the wonderful transformation which takes place in a man when he doffs his everyday clothes and dons a dress suit8 ,during the day he may have an untidy and even a slovenly appearance1 but as soon as he puts on a well laundered shirt1 a high standing collar1 a fresh lawn tie1 and a dress suit1 he seems completely changed4 ,he looks from five to ten years younger1 and from his manner you know that he feels younger4 ,he is on better terms with himself and with the world4 ,every woman likes a man better for being well dressed4 ,she may excuse1 or overlook1 carelessness or even slovenliness in his personal appearance1 if she is very fond of him1 but she would like him much more if he were neat and tidy and tasteful4 ,she may forgive his green and yellow necktie1 she may overlook his soiled linen1 she may make no reference to his coat with its collar covered with dust and dandruff2 she may not let him know that she has even noticed any of these things1 but she has4 ,she thinks of them whenever he is with her1 and sometimes when she is away from him1 and she wishes he were different4 ,she may like him in spite of these defects4 ,women usually like a man in spite of things4 ,if a man noticed half as many things about a woman that did not please him1 he would never love her at all4 ,leaving out of the question the fact that women like to have men neat and even elegant in their raiment1 no man who is seeking to make his way in business or in a profession1 can afford to be careless about his clothes4 ,a few men1 says ,the ,lewiston ,journal1 clothed in the serenity of soul that approaches the insanity of genius can afford to go illy-clothed4 ,president ,lincoln was given free license to wear frock coats unbecomingly4 ,horace ,greeley could wear a linen duster with grace and equanimity4 ,but they were unique4 ,they could make fashion look insignificant1 but you and ,i cannot1 if we care to move amid the throng of busy people seeking passage on the car of progress4 ,no better advice has been given to men on the subject of dress than in an article which appeared in ,success4 ,a short extract from the article will close this chapter4 ,clothes are one of the accepted standards by which men are judged the world over4 ,they form the chief standard of first impression2 so1 for that reason alone1 it would be difficult to overestimate their importance4 ,they show at a glance whether a man is neat or untidy2 careful or careless2 methodical or shiftless1 and what sort of taste he has4 ,nothing else about him reflects so much of his personal characteristics4 ,so it is not surprising to be told by those who yearly give employment to thousands of men and boys1 that more applicants are turned away on account of their personal appearance than for all other reasons put together4 ,but it would surprise some people very much if they knew how widely this rule is applied4 ,the well dressed man is one whose clothes do not make him the object of comment1 either because they are showy or shabby4 ,he never goes to the extremes of fashion1 thereby courting notoriety2 he never goes to the other extreme by paying no attention at all to what he wears or how he wears it4 ,he is always modest in his attire4 ,he conforms to the established customs of changing his attire as the occasion demands1 without making himself a slave to reform4 ,he does not always wear expensive clothes1 nor is it at all necessary that he should4 ,but he is always clean and neat1 or1 as the present day has it1 he is well groomed4 ,,the ,,optimist4 ,the habit of looking on the bright side of things is worth far more than a thousand pounds a year4 --,,samuel ,,johnson4 ,more than half the unhappiness in the world comes from a person's unwillingness to look on the bright side so long as a dark side can be discovered4 ,we all like the optimist4 ,the bright1 cheerful1 good-natured fellow1 who always looks through the cloud and sees its silver lining1 is as good as a tonic to our most pessimistic dispositions4 ,if1 then1 you wish to make yourself agreeable to others and to yourself1 cultivate the habit of cheerfulness--of always looking on the bright side4 ,wear a pleasant countenance2 let cheerfulness beam in your eye2 let love write its mark on your forehead1 and have kind words and a pleasant greeting for those whom you meet4 ,don't forget to say good morning6 and say it heartily4 ,say it to your brothers and sisters1 your school-mates1 your parents1 your teachers and your friends4 ,pleasant1 hearty greetings cheer the discouraged1 rest the tired1 and make the wheels of life run more smoothly4 ,they clear up the thorny pathways1 win friends1 and confound enemies4 ,in fact1 it is impossible to resist the influence of cheerfulness4 ,let a bright face beam on the darkness of defeat1 shine on the abode of poverty2 illumine the chamber of sickness1 and how everything changes under its benign influence4 ,victory becomes possible1 competence promises a golden future1 and health is wooed back again4 ,on the other hand1 you cannot estimate the amount of unhappiness you may cause by wearing a clouded face and by speaking harsh1 unkind words4 ,many persons fret and whine all through life4 ,they never appear to have a generous impulse4 ,they seem to have come into the world during one of those cold1 bleak1 gloomy days1 when there was nothing with which to build a fire4 ,they1 apparently1 grew up in the same bleak atmosphere1 and they live in it all their lives4 ,you see their smallness in everything they do and say4 ,you see it in their buying and in their selling1 in their talk and in their actions4 ,they have been well called 'the frogs that constitute one of the plagues of society4' ,they have never made one heart glad1 nor shed one ray of sunshine upon man1 woman1 or child4 ,it is just as easy to be kind as to be cross1 and as easy to give pleasure as pain4 ,it costs nothing2 it is a smile1 an appreciative word1 a mention of what one likes to hear spoken of rather than an irritating reference4 ,if your minister has preached a sermon that interested and helped you1 tell him so4 ,it will encourage and cheer him1 and he will try to give you still better sermons in the future4 ,remember that the preacher is much more human than most people think1 and that no man more highly prizes the genuine1 manly word of good cheer1 sympathy and affection4 ,if your grocer has sold you something that was particularly good1 tell him so4 ,no doubt you have often found fault with the tea and the flour and the meat2 then why not surprise him by letting him know that you appreciate a good thing when you get it4 ,perhaps you have children who are attending the public schools4 ,perhaps their teacher by patience1 tact1 and the expenditure of much nerve force1 has succeeded in interesting them in their studies as they have never been before4 ,don't you think it would stimulate her to still greater effort if you should say to her when you meet3 ,my children are doing well at school this term4 ,they like you and are interested in their work4 ,no doubt you have often severely criticised teachers1 methods1 and school management1 and you have been very free with your words of condemnation4 ,why not help a little by some expression of approval if you can honestly do so4 ,give pleasure to your wife1 if you have one4 ,notice her painstaking efforts to make home comfortable2 compliment her dinner and show that you appreciate the thousand things she does for your comfort4 ,there is no greater exhibition of heroic fortitude than is seen in one who dwells in a cheerless home she does her best to brighten1 and who wears away the years in an unsatisfied desire for words and tokens of love and sympathy which never come to her4 ,do not be afraid of giving something of yourself1 of letting yourself out a little2 and do not fear that your heart will run away with your head4 ,do not confound sentiment with sentimentalism1 and do not hesitate to praise a thing or an act if it is really worthy of it4 ,you need to do this for your own sake as well as for the sake of making others happy4 ,for my own sake1 you say4 ,in what way will it help me if ,i bestow praise upon another8 ,praise1 when it is deserved1 is of more importance to the giver than the receiver4 ,praise does not immediately affect the merit of him to whom it is awarded1 said a writer recently1 but it does immediately affect the merit of him to whom its awarding belongs4 ,if a man deserves praise he is quite as much of a man without it as with it2 but no man can be so much of a man1 nor seem so much of a man1 while withholding just praise as while bestowing it4 ,in little matters as well as in large ones1 to acknowledge the merit of others is a duty1 the performance of which is even more important to the one who owes it1 than to the one to whom it is owed4 ,we do not fail to express our appreciation of heroic deeds1 but it is in the common1 everyday life that the words of appreciation are most sorely needed1 and too seldom spoken4 ,many a woman would have been greatly cheered and helped over many hard places1 if1 while living1 she could have heard half as many nice things said to her by those she loved1 as were put into her funeral sermon and obituary notice4 ,there is1 of course1 a great difference between the expression of a due and delicate appreciation of merit1 and that false and exaggerated praise which is dictated by the desire to flatter4 ,the former is always received with pleasure1 but the latter wounds the susceptibility of those on whom it is lavished4 ,to a mind rightly constituted1 there are few things more painful than undeserved1 or even excessive commendation4 ,flattery is never excusable2 deserved praise should never be withheld4 ,do not be a grumbler4 ,is there any person more unwelcome than the chronic growler8 ,when we meet him he begins by growling about the weather2 then you are entertained with a long account of his aches and pains1 his trials and his losses4 ,nothing pleases him4 ,his neighbors are dishonest1 church members are hypocrites1 public officials are1 in his estimation1 all rascals1 law makers are corrupt1 and the country is going to the dogs4 ,if you speak in commendation of an individual1 he at once attempts to belittle him in your estimation4 ,if you praise a cause or an institution1 he is sure to find fault with what you say4 ,he wishes your sympathy for his troubles1 but he has none to give4 ,we all crave sympathy1 but1 if we are not careful1 we may exhaust the patience1 even of our best friends1 with the recital of our troubles4 ,if your aches and pains are ever so bad1 the best advice for you is grin and bear it4 ,it is all very well to be an interesting invalid for a short time4 ,your neighbors will bring you in good things to eat1 and your friends will bring you pretty flowers to look at1 and books to read1 but do not remain too long in bed if you can help it1 and do not wear too long and sad a face when you are recovering4 ,it will not relieve your pain at all to tell everyone you meet how much you suffer1 and when your friends have sympathized with you a dozen times they become a little tired of it4 ,this advice is worthy of practice1 not for the sake of your friends only1 but for your own4 ,the burden cheerfully borne becomes light1 and any physician knows that the hopeful1 cheerful patient has many more chances of recovery than the despondent one4 ,in the lives of us all there are hours of anxiety1 disappointment1 pain and vexation2 seasons of trial that are to be met only with stubborn patience4 ,greatness of soul is tested by the serenity with which these inevitable ills are borne and finally overcome4 ,the little mind will fret and chafe and fume over little things1 even as the petty stream over its narrow1 pebbly bed1 while the deep1 strong river moves swiftly and silently over the boulders that lie at its bottom4 ,but1 you say1 while the advice is good it is very hard to follow it4 ,yes1 but it is really harder not to heed it4 ,the bird that beats against the iron bars of its cage suffers more than the patient captive4 ,laugh all you can4 ,it is good for you4 ,physicians tell us that laughing has a direct and positive effect upon one's health4 ,the physical movement caused by a hearty laugh causes the arteries to dilate and the flow of blood to hasten1 thus promoting an acceleration of vital processes2 and a mental action through stimulating the blood vessels of the brain4 ,he who administers medicine in the shape of wit and humor to the sad heart is most assuredly a good ,samaritan4 ,the irresistible1 good-humored philosophy of ,mark ,twain has relieved the depression and sorrow of multitudes4 ,he has compelled us to laugh1 and his mission in the world has been a beneficent one4 ,a cheerful face is as good for an invalid as pleasant weather4 ,cheerfulness is health1 melancholy is disease4 ,cheerfulness is just as natural to the heart of a man in sound moral and physical health as color to his cheeks1 and wherever we see habitual gloom we may be sure there is something radically wrong in the animal economy or the moral sense4 ,sydney ,smith once gave a lady two-and-twenty receipts against melancholy4 ,one was a bright fire2 another1 to remember all the pleasant things said to her2 another1 to keep a box of sugar plums on the chimney piece and a kettle simmering on the hob4 ,these are trivial things in themselves but life is made up of these little pleasures and none should be neglected because of their seemingly trifling nature4 ,if our temperament does not make us naturally cheerful1 we can1 at least1 cultivate those habits of body and mind which seem most favorable to the growth of this condition4 ,we can keep the mind open to cheerful impressions1 and close it to those that are gloomy4 ,it is far better to magnify our blessings than to depreciate them4 ,the ,spaniard of whom ,southey tells that he always put on his magnifying glasses when he ate cherries1 in order to make them seem larger1 had the true philosophy of life4 ,so the ancient ,pompeiians seem to have well understood the art of making the most of everything4 ,their gardens were very small1 but by painting the surrounding walls with plants and landscapes their little area became indefinitely enlarged to the eye of the observer4 ,,personal ,,peculiarities4 ,eccentricity may be harmless1 but it never can be commendable2 it is one of the children of that prolific failing--vanity4 ,and whether it shows in feeling1 manners1 or peculiarities of dress1 it is clearly acted upon from the presumptuous supposition that the many are in the wrong1 the individual in the right4 ,society will pardon much to genius and special gifts1 but1 being in its nature a convention1 it loves what is conventional or what belongs to coming together4 ,that makes the good and bad of manners1 namely1 what helps or hinders fellowship4 ,,emerson4 ,we all know that the outward address of a person has great influence upon his success both in the social and the business world4 ,thousands of men and women are1 in their efforts to please1 hindered by some personal peculiarity which is painfully apparent to other people1 but of which they themselves seem wholly ignorant4 ,thousands of professional and business men are prevented from attaining the success they might reach by some infelicity of manner or speech which could be remedied by a little painstaking effort4 ,here is a physician who has prepared himself thoroughly for his profession by years of hard study and by the expenditure of a considerable sum of money1 but he knows little of human nature1 and but little of the requirements of good society4 ,he has no tact1 and has not thought it necessary to cultivate that quality4 ,he is cold and unsympathetic4 ,he has no ability to make friends or to keep them4 ,he is not sociable1 and he does not make himself agreeable to his patients by those little kindly acts and sympathetic speeches so comforting to invalids4 ,he feels that he is well prepared to practice his profession1 and he regards any personal defects as of little importance4 ,other men of less ability1 but with more tact1 soon outstrip him in the race for public favor4 ,he never succeeds in acquiring a large practice1 and1 possibly1 never knows the reason why4 ,a young man applies for a position as a teacher4 ,he is well equipped in scholarship for the place he wishes1 for he led his class in college1 and he comes highly recommended as a young man of integrity and earnestness4 ,after a short interview the superintendent of schools decides that he is not the man for the position and the applicant goes away disappointed4 ,why was he rejected8 ,not by reason of poor scholarship1 nor for lack of moral character1 but simply on account of his personal appearance4 ,he was untidy in his dress4 ,his linen was soiled1 his coat was not brushed1 his cuffs were frayed at the edges1 while his finger-nails gave evidence that he was habitually careless about personal neatness and cleanliness4 ,the superintendent decided at once that he did not want him1 and the young man did not know why4 ,here is a young woman who is fine looking1 intelligent and accomplished4 ,apparently she possesses all those qualities which are necessary to make her a favorite in society and she seems to deserve a host of friends4 ,yet she is not greatly sought after by her acquaintances1 and she has few firm friends4 ,young men pay her but little attention1 and seem afraid of her4 ,other girls1 less brilliant intellectually1 with fewer accomplishments1 and with plainer faces1 are far greater favorites in society4 ,her particular weakness is that she has allowed herself to fall into the practice of employing sarcasm to an extent which is offensive to those with whom she talks4 ,she has a habit of saying disagreeable1 biting things in a humorous way1 and she never suspects that people are hurt by them4 ,she has cultivated the habit to such a degree that she can always raise a laugh at some person's expense1 and she is constantly on the watch for opportunities to exercise this accomplishment4 ,finally it dawns upon her that she does not hold her friends2 that she is sometimes slighted in the matter of invitations2 that she is not a popular girl1 and she doesn't know why4 ,a certain clergyman is a fine preacher1 capable of attracting1 instructing1 and inspiring the most cultivated audiences1 but he is shut out from his proper sphere of usefulness and influence1 and prevented from reaching the position for which his endowments qualify him1 by a matter which might seem trifling in itself1 but which has become offensive through its persistent hold upon him4 ,he exhibits a lack of proper deference to the feelings of others1 an arrogant and unsympathetic tone of voice1 and sometimes yields1 under opposition1 to unrestrained violence of language4 ,he betrays his weakness every time anyone crosses his plans and desires4 ,it seems hard for him to understand that others have an equal right to their preference and opinions4 ,he forgets that while it is easy to be amiable when everyone agrees with him1 the test of character is in keeping the temper sweet and reasonable when people differ from him and criticise him4 ,he understands his power to move audiences2 he is told by persons competent to judge that his sermons are superior2 he knows that in higher intellectual qualities he surpasses many other clergymen who secure and retain prominent positions2 yet the painful truth is forced upon him that his services as a pastor are not sought for1 while inferior preachers are selected for places of power and influence4 ,a man goes into trade4 ,he is a shrewd buyer1 energetic1 honest1 and keeps a good assortment of goods1 but he is not obliging to customers4 ,he is short and crusty in his speech1 irritable and sometimes almost rude in his manner2 consequently he does not hold his patrons4 ,they leave him1 one by one1 and do their purchasing at other stores where they receive polite attention4 ,the merchant does not prosper in business1 and he never knows why4 ,here is a woman who prides herself upon her plain speaking4 ,she boasts that when she has anything to say she is willing to say it to one's face1 and not behind one's back4 ,she thinks it is a mark of sincerity and frankness to say disagreeable things and to bring one's infirmities to the surface4 ,her tendencies finally become fixed habits4 ,she finds herself shunned by her acquaintances1 and she does not know why4 ,then there is the loquacious woman1 the woman who monopolizes the conversation1 the woman who has an apparent contempt for paragraph and punctuation4 ,no matter what the topic of conversation may be1 she at once takes the management of it into her own hands1 and the other members of the company are made to feel at once that they are expected to be only listeners4 ,the loquacious woman may talk well--she often does--but she fails to understand that there may be such a thing as too much even of good things1 and so she talks on and on1 with an utter disregard for the rights and the comfort of those around her4 ,a professional man1 who possesses much intellectual force and originality1 takes pride in his unconventionality in the matter of dress4 ,his garments are so far from the prevailing style that they attract attention and invite comment4 ,he does not realize that the man who rebels against fashion may be open even more to the imputation of vanity than he who obeys it1 because he makes himself conspicuous1 and practically announces that he is wiser than his associates4 ,an affectation of superior simplicity is vulgarity4 ,stop a moment and recall twenty men and women of your acquaintance4 ,you will probably remember that two-thirds of them have some peculiarity1 some defect of speech or manner which detracts from their social and business success1 or from their usefulness4 ,one is a gossip2 another possesses a hasty temper1 while a third is intellectually dishonest1 never yielding his position1 even under the most absolute proof that he is in the wrong4 ,one of your friends is a pessimist1 and is continually attempting to convert you to his point of view1 while his wife is so inquisitive that you at once become nervous when you perceive her approach4 ,a young woman of your acquaintance would be a most charming person if she did not laugh too much4 ,a conversation with her is1 upon her part1 a perpetual giggle4 ,these may generally be good1 intelligent1 and1 in many respects1 charming people1 but unfortunately they are hampered by these deficiencies4 ,they have become so unconscious of these personal traits that1 doubtless1 they would be greatly surprised were their attention called to them4 ,the effect of these shortcomings upon others is1 however1 just as unfortunate as if they were intentionally retained and nourished1 for we usually regard the outward manner as a true index of the inward emotion4 ,if so many of our acquaintances display idiosyncrasies that affect us disagreeably1 is it not possible that we too may be harboring some remediable evil of temper1 some superable infirmity of manner or of speech which is a bar to our own usefulness1 because distressing to those with whom we are thrown8 ,let us think about this4 ,,suggestions ,,from ,,many ,,sources ,,for ,,the ,,man ,,who ,,would ,,please ,,and ,,the ,,woman ,,who ,,would ,,charm4 ,a gentleman makes no noise2 a lady is serene4 ,,emerson4 99 99 99 99 99 ,so ,i talked a great deal and found myself infinitely pleased with ,brandon's conversational powers1 which were rare2 being no less than the capacity for saying nothing1 and listening politely to an indefinite deal of the same thing1 in another form1 from me4 ,,charles ,,major4 99 99 99 99 99 ,talk about those subjects you have had long in your mind1 and listen to what others say about subjects you have studied but recently4 ,knowledge and timber should not be much used till they are seasoned4 ,o4 ,w4 ,,holmes4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a beautiful form is better than a beautiful face2 a beautiful behavior is better than a beautiful form2 it gives a higher pleasure than statues or pictures2 it is the finest of the fine arts4 ,,emerson4 99 99 99 99 99 ,believe nothing against another but on good authority1 nor report what may hurt another1 unless it be a greater hurt to another to conceal it4 ,,william ,,penn4 99 99 99 99 99 ,life is like a mirror4 ,it reflects the face you bring to it4 ,look out lovingly upon the world1 and the world will look lovingly in upon you4 99 99 99 99 99 ,but it is mostly my own dreams ,i talk of1 and that will somewhat excuse me for talking of dreams at all4 ,everyone knows how delightful the dreams are that one dreams one's self1 and how insipid the dreams of others are4 ,i had an illustration of this fact not many evenings ago1 when a company of us got telling dreams4 ,i had by far the best dreams of any2 to be quite frank1 mine were the only dreams worth listening to2 they were richly imaginative1 delicately fantastic1 exquisitely whimsical1 and humorous in the last degree2 and ,i wondered that when the rest could have listened to them they were always eager to cut in with some silly1 senseless1 tasteless thing1 that made me sorry and ashamed for them4 ,i shall not be going too far if ,i say that it was on their part the grossest betrayal of vanity that ,i ever witnessed4 ,,william ,,dean ,,howells4 99 99 99 99 99 ,there is a great mistake in supposing that giving is concerned only with material benefits4 ,these form indeed but a small part of its mission4 ,whoever creates happiness1 whether by a kindly greeting1 or tender sympathy1 or inspiring presence1 or stimulating thought1 is as true a giver as he who empties his purse to feed the hungry4 99 99 99 99 99 ,politeness and good breeding are absolutely necessary to adorn any or all other good qualities or talents4 ,without them no knowledge1 no perfection whatever1 is seen in its best light4 ,the scholar1 without good breeding1 is a pedant2 the philosopher1 a cynic2 the soldier a brute2 and every man1 disagreeable4 ,,lord ,,chesterfield4 99 99 99 99 99 ,tact1 though partly a natural gift1 is a good deal indebted to education and early habits4 ,the superiority of one sex to the other in this respect will often be found to depend on art quite as much as upon nature4 99 99 99 99 99 ,never is silence more eloquent than when it is preserved toward persons older than ourselves when they voice opinions long since proven erroneous4 ,age doesn't like to be contradicted1 right or wrong4 99 99 99 99 99 ,in the supremacy of self-control consists one of the perfections of the ideal man3 not to be impulsive1 not to be spurred hither and thither by each desire that in turn comes uppermost2 but to be restrained1 self-balanced1 governed by the joint decision of the feelings in council assembled1 before whom every action shall have been fully debated and calmly determined4 ,,herbert ,,spencer4 99 99 99 99 99 ,in the exhaustless catalogue of heaven's mercies to mankind1 the power we have of finding some germs of comfort in the hardest trials must ever occupy the foremost place2 not only because it supports and upholds us when we most require to be sustained1 but because in this source of consolation there is something1 we have every reason to believe1 of the ,divine ,spirit2 something which1 even in our fallen nature we possess in common with the angels4 ,,dickens4 99 99 99 99 99 ,when you bury animosity don't set up a headstone over its grave4 99 99 99 99 99 ,i don't never hav truble in regulating mi own kondukt1 but tew keep other pholks straight iz what bothers me4 ,,josh ,,billings4 99 99 99 99 99 ,hundreds of the most agreeable persons in fashionable society are those who are content to be taught the things they already know4 99 99 99 99 99 ,it is better to return a dropped fan genteelly than give a thousand pounds awkwardly2 you had better refuse a favor gracefully than grant it clumsily4 ,all your ,greek can never advance you from secretary to envoy1 or from envoy to embassador1 but your address1 your air1 your manner1 if good1 may4 ,,lord ,,chesterfield4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the art of not hearing should be learned by all4 ,it is fully as important to domestic happiness as a cultivated ear1 for which both money and time are expended4 ,there are so many things which it is painful to hear1 so many which we ought not to hear1 so very many which if heard will disturb the temper1 corrupt simplicity and modesty1 detract from contentment and happiness that everyone should be educated to take in or shut out sounds according to his or her pleasure4 ,once ,a ,week4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone4 ,she never knew how ,i loved her4 ,he never knew what he was to me4 ,i always meant to make more of your friendship4 ,i did not know what he was to me till he was gone4 ,such are the poisoned arrows which cruel death shoots back at us from the door of the sepulchre4 99 99 99 99 99 ,we are only really alive when we enjoy the good will of others4 ,,goethe4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections4 ,,george ,,eliot4 99 99 99 99 99 ,power hath not one-half the might of gentleness4 99 99 99 99 99 ,manner is of importance4 ,a kind no is often more agreeable than a rough yes4 ,,bengel4 99 99 99 99 99 ,we are always clever with those who imagine we think as they do4 ,to be shallow you must differ from people2 to be profound you must agree with them4 ,,bulwer4 99 99 99 99 99 ,if you want to spoil all that ,god gives you2 if you want to be miserable yourself and a maker of misery to others1 the way is easy enough4 ,only be selfish1 and it is done at once4 ,,charles ,,kingsley4 99 99 99 99 99 ,language was given us that we might say pleasant things4 ,,bovee4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the specially social qualities are good nature1 amiability1 the desire to please1 and the kindness of heart that avoids giving offence4 ,a good natured person may frankly disagree with you1 but he never offends4 99 99 99 99 99 ,good manners are made up of petty sacrifices4 ,,emerson4 99 99 99 99 99 ,pride of origin1 whether high or low1 springs from the same principle of human nature2 one is but the positive1 the other the negative pole of a single weakness4 ,,lowell4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the best possible impression that you can make by your dress is to make no separate impression at all2 but so to harmonize its material and shape with your personality1 that it becomes tributary in the general effect1 and so exclusively tributary that people cannot tell after seeing you what kind of clothes you wear4 ,j4 ,g4 ,,holland4 99 99 99 99 99 ,nothing is more dangerous than to paint men as they are when by chance they are not as handsome as they would wish to be4 ,,edmond ,,about4 99 99 99 99 99 ,borrow trouble if you have not enough already4 99 99 99 99 99 ,refinement creates beauty everywhere4 ,,hazlitt4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a lady may always judge of the estimation in which she is held by the conversation which is addressed to her4 99 99 99 99 99 ,some people cannot drive to happiness with four horses1 and others can reach the goal on foot4 ,,thackeray4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the clown who excites the multitudes to mirth is more a benefactor than the conqueror who drapes a thousand homes in mourning4 99 99 99 99 99 ,tact is the art of putting yourself in another's place1 and being quick about it4 99 99 99 99 99 ,it pays #ajj per cent4 to be polite to everyone1 from the garbage gatherer to the governor4 99 99 99 99 99 ,if you wish that your own merit should be recognized1 recognize the merits of others4 99 99 99 99 99 ,if you cannot be happy in one way1 be happy in another2 and this facility of disposition wants but little aid from philosophy1 for health and good humor are almost the whole affair4 ,many run about after felicity1 like an absent man hunting for his hat while it is on his head or in his hand4 ,such persons want nothing to make them the happiest people in the world but the knowledge that they are so4 99 99 99 99 99 ,an ,atchison woman1 who three days ago was considered the most popular woman in town1 has not one friend left2 instead of sympathizing with her friends1 as she has heretofore1 she began telling them her troubles4 ,atchison ,globe4 99 99 99 99 99 ,it is the characteristic of folly to discern the faults of others and to forget one's own4 ,,cicero4 99 99 99 99 99 ,what is it to be a gentleman8 ,it is to be honest1 to be gentle1 to be generous1 to be brave1 to be wise1 and1 possessing all these qualities1 to exercise them in the most graceful outward manner4 ,,thackeray4 99 99 99 99 99 ,teach me to feel another's woe1 ,to hide the fault ,i see2 ,that mercy ,i to others show1 ,that mercy show to me4 ,,pope4 99 99 99 99 99 ,the ,persians say of noisy1 unreasonable talk3 ',i hear the noise of the mill-stone1 but ,i see no meal4' 99 99 99 99 99 ,we give advice by the bucket1 but take it by the grain4 ,,alger4 99 99 99 99 99 ,it is much easier to be critical than correct4 ,,beaconsfield4 99 99 99 99 99 ',i am busy1 ,johnnie1 and can't help it1' said the father1 writing away when the little fellow hurt his finger4 ',yes1 you could--you might have said oh6' sobbed ,johnnie4 ,there's a ,johnnie in tears inside all of us upon occasions4 ,,rev4 ,w4 ,c4 ,,gannett4 99 99 99 99 99 ,you cannot prevent the birds of sadness from flying over your head1 but you may prevent them from stopping to build their nests there4 99 99 99 99 99 ,in general society one should always avoid discussions upon two subjects--religion and politics4 ,in a discussion upon either of these subjects you will find very little intellectual honesty1 and it will almost invariably lead to irritating differences of opinion4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a gentleman is one who understands and shows every mark of deference to the claims of self-love in others and exacts it in return from them4 ,,hazlitt4 99 99 99 99 99 ,there is no real conflict between truth and politeness2 what is imagined to be such is only the crude mistake of those who fail to discover their harmony4 ,politeness1 taken in its best sense1 is the graceful expression of respect1 kind feeling1 and good will4 99 99 99 99 99 ,beloved among women is she who1 having warned a friend of the consequences to follow rash doings1 will1 when her prophecies have come true1 withhold the triumphant3 ,i told you so6 ,boston ,journal4 99 99 99 99 99 ,no one loses by politeness to1 or by the trifling exercise of apparent pleasure in a caller4 ,while ,i have no wish to counsel insincerity1 there is a wide difference between that offensive veneer and the pure metal of consideration for the feelings of a stranger within one's gate4 ,,lady ,,bellair',s ,,advice ,,to ,,girls4 ,,what ,,to ,,avoid4 ,a loud1 weak1 affected1 whining1 harsh or shrill tone of voice4 ,extravagances in conversation--such phrases as ,awfully this1 ,beastly that1 ,loads of time1 ,don't you know1 ,hate for dislike1 etc4 ,sudden exclamations of annoyance1 surprise and joy1--often dangerously approaching to female swearing--as ,bother6 ,gracious6 ,how jolly6 ,yawning when listening to anyone4 ,talking on family matters1 even to bosom friends4 ,attempting any vocal or instrumental piece of music that you cannot execute with ease4 ,crossing your letters4 ,making a sharp1 short nod with the head1 intended to do duty as a bow4 ,,what ,,to ,,cultivate4 ,an unaffected1 low1 distinct1 silver-toned voice4 ,the art of pleasing those around you1 and seeming pleased with them and all they may do for you4 ,the charm of making little sacrifices quite naturally1 as if of no account to yourself4 ,the habit of making allowances for the opinions1 feelings1 or prejudices of others4 ,an erect carriage--that is1 a sound body4 ,a good memory for faces1 and facts connected with them--thus avoiding giving offence through not recognizing or bowing to people1 or saying to them what had best been left unsaid4 ,the art of listening without impatience to prosy talkers1 and smiling at the twice-told tale or joke4 99 99 99 99 99 ,he who would see his sons and daughters thoroughly and truly gentle1 must forbid selfishness of action1 rudeness of speech1 carelessness of forms1 impoliteness of conduct from the first1 and demand that in childhood and the nursery shall be laid the foundation of that good breeding which is as a jewel of price to the mature man and woman4 99 99 99 99 99 ,many persons consider that 'bad temper' is entirely voluntary on the part of the person who displays it4 ,as a matter of fact it is often1 to a very great extent1 involuntary1 and no one is more angry at it than the bad tempered person himself4 ,of course everyone1 whether he is born with a bad temper or has acquired one from habit1 or has been visited with one as the result of disease or injury1 should at least try to control it4 ,but his friends should also bear in mind that bad temper may be1 and often is1 an affliction to be sympathized with1 not an offence to be punished4 ,once ,a ,week4 99 99 99 99 99 ,there are some people so given over to the pettiness of fault-picking1 that if they should suddenly see the handwriting on the wall1 they would disregard its awful warning in their eager haste to point out its defective penmanship4 ,,brander ,,matthews4 99 99 99 99 99 ,we are all dissatisfied4 ,the only difference is that some of us sit down in the squalor of our dissatisfaction1 while others make a ladder of it4 99 99 99 99 99 ,mrs4 ,julia ,ward ,howe said1 in speaking of ,longfellow1 that his personal charm was in a delicateness of mind that was truly cosmopolitan2 he had a vivid appreciation of what was beautiful and noble1 and he represented the purest taste and the most perfect feeling4 ,was there ever given a finer definition of a gentleman8 99 99 99 99 99 ,set a watch over thy mouth1 and keep the door of thy lips1 for a tale-bearer is worse than a thief4 ,,the ,,bible4 99 99 99 99 99 ,he submits to be seen through a microscope who suffers himself to be caught in a passion4 99 99 99 99 99 ,it isn't what you wear in this life1 gentlemen2 it is how you wear it4 ,it isn't so much what you do2 it is how you do it4 ,there are people who do tasteful things vulgarly1 and vulgar things tastefully4 ,who was it that ',kicked them downstairs with such very fine grace1 ,they thought he was handing them up'8 ,a sense of humor is one of the most precious gifts that can be vouchsafed to a human being4 ,he is not necessarily a better man for having it1 but he is a happier one4 ,it renders him indifferent to good or bad fortune4 ,it enables him to enjoy his own discomfiture4 ,blessed with this sense1 he is never unduly elated or cast down4 ,no one can ruffle his temper4 ,no abuse disturbs his equanimity4 ,bores do not bore him4 ,humbugs do not humbug him4 ,solemn airs do not impose on him4 ,sentimental gush does not influence him4 ,the follies of the moment have no hold on him4 ,boston ,journal4 99 99 99 99 99 ,there is always a best way of doing everything1 if it be but to boil an egg4 ,manners are the happy way of doing things2 each one the stroke of genius or of love--now repeated and hardened into usage4 ,your manners are always under examination1 and by committees little suspected--a police in citizen's clothes--but are awarding or denying you very high prizes when you least think of it4 ,,emerson4 99 99 99 99 99 ,my experience of life makes me sure of one truth1 which ,i do not try to explain2 that the sweetest happiness we ever know1 the very wine of human life1 comes not from love1 but from sacrifice--from the effort to make others happy4 ,this is as true to me as that my flesh will burn if ,i touch red-hot metal4 ,,john ,,boyle ,o',,reilly4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a wise man will turn adverse criticism and malicious attacks to good account4 ,he will consider carefully whether there is not in him some weakness or fault which1 although he never discovered1 was plain to the eye of his enemy4 ,many men profit more by the assaults of foes than by the kindness of friends4 99 99 99 99 99 ,politeness is like an air cushion3 there may be nothing in it1 but it eases our jolts wonderfully4 99 99 99 99 99 ,don't flatter yourself that friendship authorizes you to say disagreeable things to your intimates4 ,on the contrary1 the nearer you come into relation with a person the more necessary do tact and courtesy become4 ,except in cases of necessity1 which are rare1 leave your friend to learn unpleasant truths from his enemies3 they are ready enough to tell them4 ,good breeding never forgets that amour-propre is universal4 ,o4 ,w4 ,,holmes4 99 99 99 99 99 ,whatever our disbeliefs1 most of us profoundly believe in goodness2 and we incline to believe that a man who has practically learned the secret of noble living has somehow got near the truth of things4 ,,geo4 ,s4 ,,merriam4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a man's bad temper sometimes does more toward spoiling a dinner than a woman's bad cooking4 99 99 99 99 99 ,her voice was ever soft1 ,gentle and low2 an excellent thing in ,woman4 ,,shakespeare4 99 99 99 99 99 ,true politeness is perfect ease and freedom4 ,it simply consists in treating others just as you love to be treated yourself4 ,,chesterfield4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a man has no more right to say an uncivil thing than to act one1 no more right to say a rude thing to another than to knock him down4 ,,johnson4 99 99 99 99 99 ,how sweet and gracious1 even in common speech1 ,is that fine sense which men call courtesy6 ,wholesome as air and genial as the light1 ,welcome in every clime as breath of flowers1---- ,it transmutes aliens into trusting friends1 ,and gives its owner passport round the globe4 ,j4 ,t4 ,,fields4 ,,the ,,end4 ,,transcriber',s ,,notes #a4 ,passages in italics are surrounded by underscores4 #b4 ,punctuation errors have been corrected without note4 #c4 ,the following misprints have been corrected3 repuation corrected to reputation 7page #b7 sympatheic corrected to sympathetic 7page #ch7 ,stael corrected to ,stael 7page #ei7 #d4 ,other than the corrections listed above1 printer's inconsistencies in spelling and hyphenation have been retained4