,transcribers ,note ,obvious typographical errors have been corrected4 ,a list of corrections is found at the end of the text4 ,,true ,,politeness4 ,a ,,hand-,,book ,,of ,,etiquette ,,for ,,ladies4 ,,by ,,an ,,american ,,lady4 ,new ,york3 ,,leavitt ,,and ,,allen4 ,entered according to the ,act of ,congress1 in the year #ahdg1 by ,,george ,s4 ,,appleton4 ,in the ,office of the ,clerk of the ,district ,court of the ,united ,states in and for the ,eastern ,district of ,pennsylvania4 ,,contents4 ,introductions #e ,recognitions and ,salutations #aa ,dress and ,fashion #ad ,conversation--,tattling #ai ,visits and ,visiting #bf ,receiving ,visits #cb ,ball-,room--,parties--,dancing #cf ,music #dc ,the ,dinner ,table #de ,courtship and ,marriage #ec ,servants #ee ,letters and ,notes #eg ,funerals #ei ,cards #fj ,presents #fa ,general ,observations #fc ,,true ,,politeness ,,for ,,ladies4 ,,introductions4 ,i4 ,never introduce persons to each other without a knowledge that it will be agreeable to both parties2 this may sometimes be ascertained without a formal question3 very great intimacy with and knowledge of each party may be a sufficient assurance that the introduction will be agreeable4 ,,ii4 ,the inferior should always be introduced to the superior--ladies take precedence of gentlemen2 you will present the gentleman to the lady1 not the lady to the gentleman4 ,,iii4 ,an introduction at a ball for the purpose of dancing does not compel you to recognise the person in the street or in any public place2 and except under very peculiar circumstances such intimacies had better cease with the ball4 ,,iv4 ,when introducing one to another1 mention the name of each distinctly4 ,a failure to do this is often the cause of much embarrassment4 ,if you have been introduced1 and have not caught the name1 it is better to say at once1 ,i beg pardon2 ,i did not hear the name2 it will save much unpleasant feeling4 ,v4 ,as a general rule1 avoid all proffers of introduction1 unless from those in whom1 from relationship or other causes1 you can place implicit confidence4 ,a lady cannot shake off an improper acquaintance with the same facility as a gentleman can do1 and her character is more easily affected by contact with the worthless and dissipated4 ,,vi4 ,upon a first introduction to a lady or gentleman1 make a slight but gracious inclination of the head and body4 ,the old style of curtsying has given place to the more easy and graceful custom of bowing4 ,it is ill-bred to shake hands4 ,,vii4 ,if you meet a lady for the second or subsequent times1 the hand may be extended in addition to the inclination of the head2 but never extend the hand to a gentleman1 unless you are very intimate4 ,,viii4 ,bow with slow and measured dignity2 never hastily4 ,,ix4 ,if you wish to avoid the company of a gentleman who has been properly introduced1 treat him with respect1 at the same time shunning his company4 ,but few will mistake you4 ,x4 ,if1 in travelling1 any one introduces himself to you in a proper and respectful manner1 conduct yourself toward him with reserve and dignity1 yet with ease and politeness2 and thank him for any attentions he may render you4 ,if he is a gentleman he will appreciate your behavior2 if he is not1 he will be deterred from annoying you4 ,all such acquaintances cease with the occasion4 ,converse only upon topics of general interest2 it is necessary only to be civil4 ,if he should betray the least want of respect1 turn from him in dignified silence2 a lady by her behavior always has it in her power to silence the boldest4 ,,xi4 ,if on paying a morning visit you meet strangers at the house of your friend and are introduced1 it is a mere matter of form1 and does not entitle you to future recognition by such persons4 ,,xii4 ,be very cautious of giving a gentleman a letter of introduction to a lady1--it may be the means of settling the weal or woe of the persons for life4 ,,xiii4 ,if you have an introductory letter1 do not deliver it yourself1 unless upon cases of urgent business1 but send it with your card and the number of your lodging1 enclosed in an envelope1 as soon as you have made yourself comfortable after arriving at your destination4 ,,xiv4 ,on receiving a letter introducing any person1 so soon as convenient wait upon her1 and show such attention as the nature of the introduction may require3 upon meeting the party introduced1 you will easily perceive whether any further ,,intimacy will be desirable4 ,,xv4 ,a lady1 who receives a letter introducing a gentleman1 may answer it by a note to the bearer1 inviting him to pay a morning or evening visit4 ,,xvi4 ,when introduced to another lady1 you may say1 ,i am very happy to make your acquaintance2 but there are few cases where this remark can be addressed with propriety to a gentleman4 ,it is a favor for him to be presented to her1 therefore the pleasure is on his side4 ,,recognitions ,,and ,,salutations4 ,,xvii4 ,the superior in rank and station should first salute the inferior4 ,therefore1 if you meet a gentleman in the street with whom you are acquainted1 recollect that it is your province to recognise him before he presumes to salute you4 ,another reason is1 he may bow to you1 when you do not recognise him1 and there is no remedy2 but if you recognise him first1 no gentleman would fail to return the salute4 ,though etiquette is quite definite on the subject1 it is often waived with advantage when intimacy1 equality of station and circumstances1 and a known appreciation of each other1 warrant the liberty4 ,,xviii4 ,if a person whom you have met as specified in ,nos4 ,,iv4 and ,,xi41 should presume to salute you1 do not recognise the salute1 but pass on1 and leave him to suppose that you imagined it was intended for another4 ,,xix4 ,on meeting a friend in any public place1 do not boisterously salute1 or proclaim her name aloud4 ,,xx4 ,it is1 in general1 bad taste for ladies to kiss each other in the presence of gentlemen1 with whom they are but slightly acquainted4 ,,xxi4 ,it is proper to vary the phraseology of questions concerning anothers health as much as possible1 and to abstain from them entirely toward a superior or a person with whom we are but little acquainted1 as such inquiries presuppose some degree of intimacy4 ,custom forbids a lady to make these inquiries of a gentleman1 unless he is very ill or aged4 ,,xxii4 ,after we are informed of the health of the persons we are visiting1 it is proper to inquire of them in relation to that of their families2 and in case of absence of near relations1 if they have heard from them lately1 and if the news is favorable4 ,they on their part usually ask the same of us4 ,,xxiii4 ,if in a public promenade you repeatedly pass persons of your acquaintance1 salute them only on the first occasion4 ,,xxiv4 ,it is unladylike to cut a person2 if you wish to rid yourself of any ones society1 a cold bow in the street1 and particular ceremony in the circles of your mutual acquaintance1 is the best mode to adopt4 ,,xxv4 ,always bow when meeting acquaintances in the street4 ,to curtsy is not gracefully consistent with locomotion4 ,,dress ,,and ,,fashion4 ,,xxvi4 ,the plainest dress is always the most genteel1 and a lady that dresses plainly will never be dressed unfashionably4 ,next to plainness1 in every well-dressed lady1 is neatness of dress and taste in the selection of colors4 ,,xxvii4 ,let your dress harmonize with your complexion1 your size1 and the circumstances in which you may be placed3 for instance1 the dress for walking1 for a dinner or an evening party1 each requires a different style of both material and ornament4 ,,xxviii4 ,avoid the extreme mode2 and1 in adopting the style of your friend1 be careful that it will suit your figure1 your complexion1 and stature3 the dress which may be adapted to her may be absurd in you4 ,,xxix4 ,if your stature be short1 you should not allow a superfluity of flounces upon the skirt of your dress3 if you are tall1 they may be advantageously adopted when fashion does not forbid them4 ,,xxx4 ,a very high head-dress would not be suitable for a very tall or short person2 the latter may venture upon a higher dress than the former4 ,a person with a short neck should be careful as to the sort of frill she wears1 if she considers one necessary2 while a person with a very long one may relieve the awkwardness of the appearance by judiciously adopting this article of dress4 ,,xxxi4 ,a hostess should not dress so richly as when she is a guest3 it is good taste in a lady not to appear to vie with her guests in the richness of her attire4 ,,xxxii4 ,be not ostentatious in the display of jewelry3 if1 however1 you have superb jewelry1 your dress and your establishment should harmonize therewith1 or the world will either not give you credit for their real worth1 or it will charge you with ostentatious extravagance4 ,,xxxiii4 ,never wear mosaic gold or paste diamonds2 they are representatives of a mean ambition to appear what you are not1 and most likely what you ought not to wish to be4 ,,xxxiv4 ,let your ornaments be1 then1 more remarkable for their intrinsic worth1 and for the taste with which they are chosen and worn1 than for profusion4 ,,xxxv4 ,ladies of good taste seldom wear jewelry in the morning1 and when they do1 confine themselves to trinkets of gold1 or those in which opaque stones only are introduced4 ,ornaments with brilliant stones are unsuited for a morning costume4 ,,xxxvi4 ,in large parties do not exhibit any remarkable anxiety for the care of your dress1 nor1 if an accident should happen thereto1 exhibit peculiar or violent emotion2 if you are so distraite1 many will believe that you have exhibited the best portion of your wardrobe4 ,,xxxvii4 ,adapt your head-dress1 or the style of your hair1 to the character of your face4 ,if you have your own maid1 she will soon ascertain what style suits you best2 if1 however1 you intrust to a friseur this important portion of your appearance1 give him complete directions1 or he will not regard the character of the physiognomy1 but arrange your hair according to the last importation of blocks from ,paris or ,london4 ,,xxxviii4 ,gloves should harmonize with your dress2 and must always be clean4 ,nothing can be more vulgar than high-coloured gloves3 the primrose 7and the white for evening parties7 are the most elegant1 if your dress will admit of their being worn4 ,,xxxix4 ,perfumes are a necessary appendage to the toilet2 let them be delicate1 not powerful2 the ,atta of roses is the most elegant2 the ,heduesmia is at once fragrant and delicate4 ,many others may be named2 but none must be patronized which are so obtrusive as to give the idea that they are not indulged in as a luxury but used from necessity4 ,,xl4 ,keep your finger-nails scrupulously clean1 and avoid the disagreeable habit of allowing them to grow to an unnatural length4 ,,xli4 ,singularity of dress and ostentatious ornament are by no means characteristic of a lady1 but their adoption proves a prim facie case against the wearer of being a nouveau riche striving after notoriety4 ,station and refinement of manner will make those vulgarisms bearable1 or even pleasing2 but the parties are then bearable or pleasing in spite of1 not in consequence of them4 ,,conversation1--,,tattling4 ,,xlii4 ,conversation is a difficult art1 but do not despair of acquiring it4 ,it consists not so much in saying something different from the rest1 but in extending the remarks of others2 in being willing to please and be pleased2 and in being attentive to what is said and to what is passing around you4 ,talking is not conversation1 it is the manner of saying things which gives them their value4 ,,xliii4 ,one of the greatest requisites1 also1 is the art of listening discreetly4 ,to listen is a delicate piece of flattery1 and a compliment so gratifying as to surely recommend you4 ,,xliv4 ,cultivate a soft tone of voice and a courteous mode of expression4 ,,xlv4 ,it is better to say too little than too much in company3 let your conversation be consistent with your sex and age4 ,,xlvi4 ,cautiously avoid relating in one house any follies or faults you may hear or see in another4 ,,xlvii4 ,never converse with strangers or mere acquaintances upon family circumstances or differences4 ,,xlviii4 ,do not look for faults in the characters or habits of your friends--the critic generally likes to communicate her opinions or discoveries--hence arises a habit of detraction4 ,,xlix4 ,never encourage tattling or detraction2 if there were no listeners this petty vice could not exist2 besides1 the habit of listening to this sort of gossip will soon induce you to participate1 by similar communications4 ,l4 ,abjure punning1 and exercising even the most refined ,,raillery3 the latter requires both observation and talent1 and most people mistake satire for raillery2 the one may be the offspring of a vicious1 the former must be of an enlightened and benevolent mind4 ,,li4 ,do not appear abstracted while another person is speaking2 and never interrupt another by intruding a remark of your own4 ,,lii4 ,avoid pedantry and dogmatism4 ,be not obtrusively positive in the assertion of your opinions--modesty of speech1 as well as manner1 is highly ornamental in a woman4 ,,liii4 ,double entendre is detestable in a woman1 especially when perpetrated in the presence of men2 no man of taste can respect a woman who is guilty of it3 though it may create a laugh1 it will inevitably excite also disgust in the minds of all whose good opinions are worth acquiring4 ,therefore not only avoid all indelicate expressions1 but appear not to understand any that may be uttered in your presence4 ,,liv4 ,rather be silent than talk nonsense1 unless you have that agreeable art1 possessed by some women1 of investing little nothings with an air of grace and interest2 this most enviable art is indeed very desirable in a hostess1 as it often fills up disagreeable pauses1 and serves as a prelude for the introduction of more intellectual matter4 ,,lv4 ,flattery is a powerful weapon in conversation2 all are susceptible to it4 ,it should be used skilfully1 never direct1 but inferred2 better acted than uttered4 ,let it seem to be the unwitting and even the unwilling expression of genuine admiration1 the honest expression of the feelings4 ,,lvi4 ,do not 7except with a view to improvement7 introduce subjects with which you are but superficially acquainted4 ,if you should do so with the idea that all others present are equally or more ignorant than yourself1 you may be very disagreeably undeceived1 by some quiet1 unpresuming person1 who may have been listening to the development of your ignorance4 ,,lvii4 ,do not use the terms genteel people2 ,this1 that1 or the other1 is very genteel4 ,substitute for them1 ,they are highly accomplished2 he is a gentlemanly man2 that has a gentlemanly appearance2 she has the manners of a gentlewoman4 ,,lviii4 ,it is not good taste for a lady to say ,yes1 ,sir1 and ,no1 ,sir1 to a gentleman1 or frequently to introduce the word ,sir at the end of her sentence1 unless she desire to be exceedingly reserved toward the person with whom she is conversing4 ,,lix4 ,do not introduce proverbs and cant phrases2 a well educated lady can always find words to express her meaning1 without resorting to these4 ,,lx4 ,never introduce your own affairs for the amusement of the company2 such discussions cannot be interesting to others1 and the probability is that the most patient listener is laying the foundation for some tale to make you appear ridiculous4 ,,lxi4 ,it is not contrary to good-breeding to laugh in company1 and even to laugh heartily when there is anything amusing going on2 this is nothing more than being sociable4 ,to remain prim and precise on such occasions1 is sheer affectation4 ,avoid1 however1 what is called the horse-laugh4 ,,lxii4 ,never laugh at your own remarks2 it may be a very agreeable excitation1 but it invariably spoils what you are saying4 ,,lxiii4 ,if you are a wit1 do not let your witty remarks engross the whole conversation1 as it wounds the self-love of your hearers1 who also wish to be heard1 and becomes excessively fatiguing4 ,,lxiv4 ,do not address persons by the initial of their names2 ,mrs4 ,a4 says this2 ,mrs4 ,b4 does that2 it is a mark of vulgarity4 ,,visits4 ,,lxv4 ,a ladys visiting card should be of small size1 glazed1 but not gilt4 ,it should be engraved in script characters1 small and neat1 not in ,german text or ,old ,english4 ,never have your card printed2 a written card1 though passable1 is not perfectly au fait4 ,if you write them1 never first draw a line across the card to guide you1--it betokens ill-breeding4 ,,lxvi4 ,a morning call should not exceed from a quarter of an hour to twenty minutes in duration2 the most proper time for such visits is between eleven and two oclock2 if your friends are people of fashion1 from twelve to three will be the best hours4 ,,lxvii4 ,if the persons called on be not at home1 leave a card for each person to whom the visit was designed1 or beg the servant to mention that you inquired for so many persons4 ,,lxviii4 ,the subjects for conversation should harmonize with the character of your visit1 and prevent your introducing a gay conversation1 when paying a visit of condolence2 or subjects requiring deep thought1 upon casual visits or calls of ceremony4 ,,lxix4 ,in making friendly calls almost all ceremony should be dispensed with4 ,they are made at all hours1 without much preparation or dressing4 ,,lxx4 ,visits of ceremony should be paid after a nearly similar interval has elapsed from when they were made4 ,people in this way give you notice whether they wish to see you seldom or often4 ,,lxxi4 ,never display the visiting cards you may receive1 by placing them in the frame of your looking-glass4 ,it is usual to have an ornamental card-basket on the centre table4 ,,lxxii4 ,if the person you call upon is preparing to go out1 or to sit down at table1 you ought1 although asked to remain1 to retire as soon as possible4 ,the person visited so unseasonably1 should on her part be careful to conceal her knowledge that the other wishes the visit ended quickly4 ,,lxxiii4 ,ceremonious visits should be short2 if the conversation ceases without being again continued by the person you have come to see1 and if she rises from her seat under any pretext whatever1 custom requires you to make your salutation and withdraw4 ,if other visiters are announced1 you should leave soon after without saying much4 ,if a letter is brought in1 entreat your hostess to read it2 she will probably not do so1 and this circumstance will warn you to shorten your visit4 ,,lxxiv4 ,a lady is at liberty to take either a gentleman or another lady to pay a morning visit to a friend1 without asking permission2 but she should never allow a gentleman the same liberty2 if he desires to make any of his friends known to her1 he must first ask if the acquaintance would be agreeable4 ,,lxxv4 ,when a lady visits another for the first time1 her visit should be returned within a week4 ,,lxxvi4 ,if when paying an evening visit you should find a party assembled1 enter as you would otherwise have done1 but remain only a few minutes1 and escape in as quiet a way as possible4 ,let it be known shortly after1 in such a way that it will reach the family1 that you were unaware of company being assembled4 ,,lxxvii4 ,in calling upon a person staying at a hotel1 if she is not at home add your address to your name1 else your visit may be fruitless4 ,,lxxviii4 ,when about to be absent a long time1 make your farewell visit short1 announcing the fact2 if necessary to leave your card1 mark on it ,t4 ,t4 ,l4 or ,p4 ,p4 ,c4 ,when you return1 those upon whom you have called will pay you the first visit2 those whom you have neglected1 will properly conclude the acquaintance is discontinued4 ,if you are married while abroad1 this is especially the case4 ,,lxxix4 ,visits after a party or dinner should be paid within the week4 ,,lxxx4 ,upon the death of any member of a family with which you have associated1 visits of condolence should not be personally made until after a week or two has elapsed4 ,,receiving ,,visits4 ,,lxxxi4 ,in receiving morning visits1 lay aside any employment in which you may be occupied2 this will enable you to pay those little attentions1 and to say those elegant but appropriate nothings1 which make your guests immediately at home1 and tend to the establishment of your character as one of the mode4 ,when your visiters rise to depart1 ring the bell for a servant to open the street door4 ,,lxxxii4 ,avoid all appearance of anxiety2 yet let nothing escape your attention4 ,,lxxxiii4 ,when visitors enter1 rise immediately1 advance toward them1 and request them to be seated4 ,if it is an elderly person1 insist upon his occupying the arm-chair2 if a lady1 beg her to be seated on the sofa4 ,,lxxxiv4 ,in winter the most honorable place is the corner of the fireplace2 therefore1 if a married lady enters1 offer her that seat4 ,if this place is occupied by a young lady1 she ought to rise and offer her seat to the other1 taking for herself a chair in another part of the room4 ,,lxxxv4 ,in proportion as the visiter is a stranger1 you will rise1 and any persons already there1 should do the same4 ,if any withdraw1 conduct them as far as the door of the parlor4 ,,lxxxvi4 ,as hostess1 in your attentions1 consider all your guests equal2 the greatest stranger or person of least rank should1 if any1 receive more attention than others4 ,,lxxxvii4 ,if your guests are about to remain on a visit of any length1 see before their arrival that their room is furnished with everything which can contribute to neatness1 and their comfort4 ,congratulate them upon their arrival1 and express the pleasure it gives you2 inquire kindly about the incidents of their journey1 and request them to make your house their home4 ,be assiduous in your attentions1 and show them every object of interest about the house and neighborhood4 ,,lxxxviii4 ,if your guests express an intention of leaving you1 affectionately endeavor to detain them2 if not successful1 renew your invitation for another visit1 and express your regret at parting so soon4 ,,lxxxix4 ,the art of receiving company can only be acquired by education1 experience1 or close observation4 ,have a determination to act naturally1 not hurried1 and let a desire to please be a ruling principle2 you will then generally act correctly4 ,,the ,,ball-,,room4 ,,xc4 ,invitations to a ball or evening party should be given in the ladys name1 and answers to such invitations should be addressed to her1 cards of invitation are usually issued from one to three weeks previous to the entertainment4 ,,xci4 ,the hours for the arrival of the guests vary from nine to twelve oclock3 in this you will be guided by the usages of the circle in which you move4 ,,xcii4 ,never go early to a public ball2 and do not be frequently seen at such4 ,when you do attend1 do not dance from the time you enter the room until you leave2 it may leave the impression that you have few opportunities of dancing except at such balls4 ,,xciii4 ,as the fashion for a ladys dress for a ball is so constantly changing1 it is impossible to prescribe4 ,but we may remark1 that the handkerchief should be fine as a snowy cobweb1 and perfumed just sufficiently to render it agreeable4 ,your gloves should be of white kid1 your shoes small and fitting with the nicest exactness4 ,,xciv4 ,when you enter the drawing-room1 immediately advance and pay your respects to the ladies of the house2 until this is done1 do not recognise any one you may know4 ,if1 as it sometimes happens1 the lady is not in the room when you enter1 though the position may be rather embarrassing if you do not meet any acquaintances1 do not show that it is so1 but enter into conversation with your partner or the lady nearest you1 until the lady returns1 when you immediately pay your respects2 which should be a little more marked than when paying a morning visit4 ,,xcv4 ,if possible1 do not enter a room alone4 ,if you have no brother or near relation1 you may at any time request a gentleman of your acquaintance1 who has not been invited by the lady of the house1 to accompany you4 ,,xcvi4 ,the lady of the house should dance1 if at all1 but little1 unless there is a distinguished stranger present to whom it is desirable to pay a compliment4 ,this is necessary1 that you may be enabled to attend to your guests1 and make the evening agreeable to them4 ,if you do dance1 you may select your partner1 who should feel honored by the act4 ,,xcvii4 ,if the hostess intends to dance1 it is customary for her to open the ball3 if she does not1 the host opens it with the lady of the highest rank present4 ,,xcviii4 ,when a gentleman who has been properly introduced requests the honor of dancing with you1 you will not refuse unless you have a previous engagement4 ,,xcix4 ,at the ordinary public balls1 it is desirable to make up a party sufficiently large to render you independent of the introductions of the master of the ceremonies1 as1 in spite of his best efforts1 objectionable individuals will gain access to such4 ,when a party is thus formed1 you can easily and without rudeness refuse to be introduced to any gentleman1 by stating that you are engaged2 as of course you would be to your friends for that evening4 ,c4 ,if a gentleman presumes to ask you to dance without an introduction1 you will of course refuse4 ,it is hardly necessary to supply the fair reader with words to repel such a rudeness2 a man must have more than ordinary impertinence if he was not satisfied by your saying1 ,i must decline1 sir1 not having the honor of your acquaintance2 and recollect that his previous rudeness ought to be punished by your refusing to be introduced4 ,,ci4 ,draw on your gloves in the dressing-room1 and do not take them off during the evening1 except at supper-time1 when it should be invariably done4 ,,cii4 ,let your dancing be quiet and unobtrusive2 let your movements in the dance be characterized by elegance and gracefulness1 rather than by activity and complexity of steps4 ,,ciii4 ,in giving the hand for ladies chain1 or any other figures1 you should wear a smile1 and accompany it with a polite inclination of the head in the manner of a salutation4 ,,civ4 ,pay attention to the dance1 but not so marked as to appear as if that attention was necessary to prevent a mistake4 ,a lively manner harmonizes with the scene2 but1 to preserve this1 it is not necessary to be boisterous4 ,refinement of manners has1 in woman1 an unspeakable charm4 ,,cv4 ,recollect that your partner is for the time being your very humble servant1 and that he will be honored by acquiescing in any of your wishes3 for instance1 you may wish to promenade1 to walk from one room to another1 to join your friends2 you may require a jelly1 ice1 wine1 or any other refreshment2 your dress may have become disarranged2 in short1 he will feel honored by receiving your commands1 and ought to anticipate your wishes on most of the above1 and many more ordinary occasions4 ,on no account be seen parading a ball-room by yourself4 ,,cvi4 ,when you are dancing1 you will consider yourself engaged to your partner1 therefore not at liberty to hold a flirtation between the figures with some other gentleman4 ,,cvii4 ,do not mistake affectation for refinement3 it would be no less an error than confounding vice with virtue4 ,,cviii4 ,do not make a public room the arena for torturing any simple swain who perchance may admire you a little more than you deserve4 ,recollect that while you are wounding anothers heart you may be trifling with your own peace4 ,,cix4 ,when you leave a party before the others1 do so quietly and as little seen as possible2 first making your parting curtsy to the ladies of the house1 if convenient4 ,during the week1 make them a visit of thanks1 at which you may converse of the pleasure of the ball1 and the good selection of the company4 ,,cx4 ,if you are engaged to a gentleman1 do not let your attention be paid exclusively to him--the object of your love should alone perceive it4 ,,cxi4 ,if you have accepted an invitation1 do not fail to keep it unless for the most unavoidable reasons4 ,,cxii4 ,the members of an invited family should not be seen conversing often together at a party4 ,,music4 ,,cxiii4 ,never exhibit any particular anxiety to sing or to play4 ,you may have a fine voice1 have a brilliant instrumental execution2 but your friends may by possibility neither admire nor appreciate either4 ,,cxiv4 ,if you intend to sing1 do not affect to refuse when asked1 but at once accede4 ,if you are a good singer1 your prompt compliance will add to the pleasure of your friends1 and to their regard2 if you are not the desire to amuse will have been evinced1 and will be appreciated4 ,,cxv4 ,do not sing songs descriptive of masculine passion or sentiment2 there is an abundance of superior songs for both sexes4 ,,cxvi4 ,if you are singing second1 do not drag on1 nor as it were tread upon the heels of your prima2 if you do not regard your friends feelings1 have mercy on your own reputation1 for nine out of ten in every party will think you in the wrong1 and those who know that you are singing in correct time1 will believe you ill-natured or not sufficiently mistress of the song to wait upon your friend4 ,,cxvii4 ,if playing an accompaniment to a singer1 do not forget that your instrument is intended to aid1 not to interrupt3 that it is to be subordinate to the song4 ,,cxviii4 ,if nature has not given you a voice1 do not attempt to sing1 unless you have sufficient taste1 knowledge1 and judgment1 to cover its defects by an accompaniment4 ,,cxix4 ,never sing more than one or two songs consecutively4 ,,cxx4 ,when at concerts or private parties where music is being performed1 never converse1 no matter how anxious you may be to do so1 or how many persons you may see doing so2 and refrain from beating time1 humming the airs1 applauding1 or making ridiculous gestures of admiration4 ,,the ,,dinner-,,table4 ,,cxxi4 ,invitations to dinner must of course be answered to the lady4 ,cards of invitation to a dinner party are usually issued from three days to a fortnight previous to the entertainment2 they should specify the hour of meeting4 ,the proper number for such a party is somewhat in dispute3 the happy medium may be considered ten4 ,,cxxii4 ,as persons are necessarily introduced at a dinner party1 only such persons as are known to each other1 or who mutually desire to be acquainted should be invited1 except under the circumstances alluded to in ,no4 ,i4 ,,cxxiii4 ,be punctual to the hour appointed4 ,,cxxiv4 ,when an invitation is accepted1 let nothing but imperative necessity compel you to break the engagement1 or at the last moment to send an excuse4 ,,cxxv4 ,when your guests enter1 present them to the others1 and if any delay occur1 let the conversation be light and on commonplace topics4 ,,cxxvi4 ,it is usual for the host or hostess to point out to the gentlemen the ladies they are to conduct to the dining-room1 according to some real or imaginary standard 7age or distinction74 ,if persons of distinction are present1 it is desirable that this should be done--of course giving them precedence4 ,,cxxvii4 ,the hostess follows her guests to the dining-room1 the host having led the way with the lady of most consideration2 the gentleman of the greatest distinction accompanies the hostess to the dining-room4 ,,cxxviii4 ,the hostess takes the head of the table3 the seat of honor for a gentleman is at her right hand2 for a lady1 it is to the right of the host4 ,,cxxix4 ,ladies do not wear gloves during dinner4 ,,cxxx4 ,in the best houses1 the operation of carving is performed at the side tables2 i4 e4 the principal joint1 or joints1 which require strength in the operation1 are there carved4 ,,cxxxi4 ,table napkins are indispensable at the dinner table2 and silver forks are now met with in almost every respectable house4 ,steel forks1 except for carving1 are now seldom placed upon the dinner table4 ,,cxxxii4 ,it is usual to commence with soup1 which never refuse2 if you do not eat it1 you can toy with it until it is followed by fish2 of either of which never take more than once4 ,,cxxxiii4 ,when all are seated1 send a plate of soup to every one4 ,do not ask any one if they will be helped1 as every one takes it1 of course4 ,,cxxxiv4 ,always feed yourself with the fork2 a knife is only used as a divider4 ,use a dessert spoon in eating tarts1 puddings1 curries1 c41 c4 ,,cxxxv4 ,if what you are eating before the dessert has any liquid1 sop the bread and then raise it to the mouth4 ,for articles of the dessert having liquid1 a spoon is usually provided4 ,,cxxxvi4 ,in helping sauce or vegetables1 place them upon the side of the viands on the plate4 ,,cxxxvii4 ,if anything is sent you from the host or hostess1 do not offer it to any other person2 and when helped do not wait until others are served1 but at once arrange your napkin1 and proceed to the important business of the moment4 ,,cxxxviii4 ,in helping a joint1 do not overload a persons plate2 and if game1 or any particularly select dish is placed before you1 serve it with discretion4 ,,cxxxix4 ,in helping1 wherever a spoon can be conveniently used1 it is preferable to the use of a knife and fork4 ,,cxl4 ,fish must be helped with a fish slice3 you may carve it more dexterously by taking a spoon in your left hand4 ,,cxli4 ,soup must be eaten from the side1 not the point of the spoon2 and1 in eating it1 be careful not to make a noise1 by strongly inhaling the breath3 this habit is excessively vulgar2 you cannot eat too quietly4 ,,cxlii4 ,in helping soup1 recollect that a little more than a ladle full is sufficient4 ,,cxliii4 ,as hostess1 do not press people to eat more than they appear inclined to take1 nor force upon them any particular dish which you may think superexcellent4 ,if any difficulty occurs in carving1 you should feel no diffidence in requesting the gentleman to your right or left to assist you3 it is a part of their duty and privilege4 ,,cxliv4 ,do not ask any one at the table to help you to anything1 but apply to the servant4 ,,cxlv4 ,the hostess should never send away her plate until all the guests have finished4 ,,cxlvi4 ,when you send your plate for anything1 leave your knife and fork upon it4 ,when you have done1 place both together on one side of the plate4 ,,cxlvii4 ,servants wait at table in white gloves1 or have a fine napkin in their hand1 which prevents its contact with your plate4 ,,cxlviii4 ,finger-glasses come on with the dessert2 wet a corner of your napkin and wipe your mouth2 then immerse your fingers in the water and dry them with the napkin4 ,,cxlix4 ,as hostess1 you will give the signal for retiring by rising from the table4 ,the time for so doing varies in different companies1 and must be left to your discretion4 ,,cl4 ,should your servants break anything while you are at table1 do not appear to notice it4 ,if they betray stupidity or awkwardness1 avoid reprimanding them publicly1 as it only draws attention to their errors1 and adds to their embarrassment4 ,,cli4 ,during the week which follows the entertainment1 each of the guests owes a visit to the entertainer4 ,converse about the dinner1 the pleasure you have enjoyed1 and of the persons whom you have met there4 ,,clii4 ,the mistress of the house should never appear to pride herself regarding what is on her table1 nor confuse herself with apologies for the bad cheer which she may offer you2 it is much better for her to observe silence in this respect1 and leave it to her guests to pronounce eulogiums on the dinner4 ,,cliii4 ,ladies should not leave the table before the end of the entertainment1 unless from urgent necessity4 ,if it is a married lady1 she requests some one to accompany her2 if unmarried1 she goes with her mother4 ,,courtship ,,and ,,marriage4 ,,cliv4 ,when about to be married send your card with the gentlemans in an envelope to the circle which you intend to visit4 ,they are usually sent by your connexions1 or your bridesmaid and groomsman1 with your assistance4 ,the ladys should have engraved on it3 ,at home1 ----1 --th inst4 at -- oclock4 ,they should be sent at least one week previous4 ,,clv4 ,the styles of card and envelope are so varied that none are more fashionable than others4 ,the cards are sometimes united by a white ribbon1 or silken cord4 ,,clvi4 ,after marriage you need not retain the whole of your previous acquaintance2 those only to whom you send cards are for the future1 considered in the circle of your visiting acquaintance4 ,the bridegroom selects those persons among his former associates whom he wishes to retain as such4 ,,clvii4 ,when the married pair receive company call upon them1 offer your compliments1 and wish them much happiness in their new sphere4 ,address the bride first4 ,do not remain longer than a few minutes1 unless it is an evening party2 when1 after paying your respects1 mingle with the rest of the company4 ,retire early from a wedding party4 ,,clviii4 ,newly married persons should abstain in public from every mark of affection too conspicuous1 and every exclusive attention4 ,,servants4 ,,clvix4 ,do not imagine that you will increase your importance by hauteur to your own or to other peoples servants4 ,,clx4 ,at the house of your friend always preface your request to a servant by the words1 ,i would thank you for so and so2 and do not omit the usual courtesy on receiving it4 ,,clxi4 ,do not scold your servants2 you had better turn them away at once4 ,when they need reproof1 give them it in a calm1 dignified1 and firm manner2 but on no account1 if you can possibly avoid it1 find fault with them in the presence of strangers1 even though they should let fall the tray with your best set of china upon it4 ,,clxii4 ,if you have only one servant1 speak of her by her ,christian name2 if you have more1 talk of them by the names of their offices1 such as nurse1 cook1 housemaid1 footman1 c41 but always address them by their ,christian names4 ,,letters ,,and ,,notes4 ,,clxiii4 ,in writing1 endeavor to make your style clear1 concise1 elegant1 and appropriate for all subjects4 ,avoid repetitions1 erasures1 insertions1 omissions1 and confusion of ideas1 or labored construction4 ,if your letter is to an equal or friend1 these blemishes may remain2 if otherwise1 it must be commenced again4 ,,clxiv4 ,to write on very coarse paper is allowable only for the most indigent2 to use gilt-edged and perfumed paper for letters of business1 would be ridiculous4 ,the very best paper1 but plain or without much ornament1 is most to be recommended4 ,,clxv4 ,it is extremely impolite to write upon a single leaf of paper1 even if it is a billet2 it should always be double1 although we write only two or three lines4 ,envelopes are now used almost as much as the paper itself is4 ,,clxvi4 ,use a lofty style towards persons to whom you owe respect2 an easy1 trifling1 or even jesting style toward a friend1 and a courteous style toward one another generally4 ,,clxvii4 ,the date is often necessary to the understanding of many passages of your letter1 therefore never omit it4 ,it may be put at the right hand of the commencement of the letter1 if writing to an equal2 but in writing to a superior1 it should be at the end1 in order that the title at the head of the letter may be entirely alone4 ,,clxviii4 ,seal your communications with wax3 bronze or other colors are more suitable than red2 use black wax when in mourning4 ,let the seal be small2 large ones are in very bad taste4 ,,clxix4 ,ceremonious notes and social letters should always be in the third person1 and of course not signed4 ,,clxx4 ,letters of introduction should be concise and brief1 and enclosed in an envelope1 unsealed4 ,,funerals4 ,,clxxi4 ,when any of your acquaintances are deceased1 be at the house at not quite an hour after the time specified1 as the procession moves exactly one hour after the time announced4 ,,clxxii4 ,it is optional whether you go to the grave or not2 it is customary now1 to go merely to the house1 until the procession has moved1 when you are at liberty to return to your ordinary pursuits4 ,,clxxiii4 ,returning cards of thanks after a death for visits of condolence1 implies that the bereaved parties are prepared to receive visiters2 it must1 therefore1 be with them entirely a matter of feeling1 as to how soon it is done4 ,,cards4 ,,clxxiv4 ,never be too punctilious and exacting with regard to the penalties incurred through mistakes4 ,,clxxv4 ,lose without any exhibition of ill-humor1 and win without any symptoms of exultation4 ,,clxxvi4 ,never lose your temper at cards1 and avoid the exhibition of anxiety or of vexation at want of success4 ,if you are playing whist1 not only keep your temper1 but hold your tongue2 any intimation to your partner is not ladylike4 ,,clxxvii4 ,women should never play1 unless they can retain the command of their temper4 ,she who wishes to win a heart or retain one1 should never permit her admirers to behold her at cards1 as the anxiety they produce is as destructive to beauty as to sentiment4 ,,presents4 ,,clxxviii4 ,ladies gifts to gentlemen should be of the most refined nature possible2 little articles not purchased1 but those deriving a priceless value as being the offering of their gentle skill1 such as a trifle from their needle1 or a picture from their pencil4 ,but such offerings1 though invaluable among friends1 are not used on occasions of ceremony4 ,,clxxix4 ,in the eyes of persons of delicacy1 presents are of no worth1 except from the manner in which they are bestowed4 ,strive1 then1 to give them this value4 ,,clxxx4 ,never give away a present which you have received from another2 or at least1 so arrange it1 that it may never be known4 ,,clxxxi4 ,endeavor always to present an article which the recipient has not4 ,this in many cases may be difficult2 but where it is possible1 it should always be done4 ,i have known gentlemen to receive half a dozen purses1 only one of which did they use4 ,,general ,,observations4 ,,clxxxii4 ,in entering any public room with a gentleman1 let him precede you and obtain a seat4 ,,clxxxiii4 ,if at anothers house you should break anything1 do not appear to notice it4 ,your hostess1 if a lady1 would take no notice of the calamity1 nor say1 as is sometimes done by ill-bred persons1 ,oh6 it is of no consequence4 ,,clxxxiv4 ,do not beat the devils tattoo1 by drumming with your fingers on a table4 ,never read in an audible whisper2 it disturbs those near you4 ,,clxxxv4 ,you should never take the arms of two gentlemen1 one being upon either side4 ,,clxxxvi4 ,a lady ought not to present herself alone in a library or museum1 unless she goes there to study or work as an artist4 ,,clxxxvii4 ,perfect order1 exquisite neatness and elegance1 which easily dispense with being sumptuous1 ought to mark the entrance of the house1 the furniture1 and the dress of the lady4 ,,clxxxviii4 ,the most obvious mark of good breeding and good taste is a sensitive regard for the feelings of others4 ,,clxxxix4 ,dean ,swift1 ,i think1 remarks1 that good breeding does not consist so much in the observance of particular forms1 as in bringing the dictates of refined sense and taste to bear upon the ordinary occurrences of life4 ,,the ,,end4 ,transcribers ,note ,the following typographical errors were corrected4 ,page ,error #a ,,allen1 changed to ,,allen4 #dg ,,cxxvii changed to ,,cxxvii4 #di ,,cxxxviii changed to ,,cxxxviii4 #ec in an evnelope changed to in an envelope