,the ,book of ,gud ,by ,dan ,spain and ,harold ,hersey ,this etext was produced from ,main ,street1 ,july #aibi4 ,extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the ,u4,s4 copyright on this publication was renewed4 ,,dip ,,into ,,this ,,novel ,,anywhere4444 ,it deals with a god in whom nobody believed1 and of his adventures the day after eternity4 ,for instance1 try ,chapter ,,xvi4 ,chapter ,i ,one ,sunday afternoon ,i was driving through a sparsely settled region on the southwest slope of the ,catskills4 ,it was growing late and ,i was anxious to get back to ,new ,york1 but ,i had lost my way4 ,in an attempt to cut across to the ,hudson ,river road ,i turned up a poorly traveled lane1 which1 after ten miles of going1 petered out into a mere abandoned trail4 ,i kept on this for perhaps three miles further without passing a house1 and then came to a low rambling structure half hidden among a grove of ancient overhanging trees4 ,it was near lamp-lighting time and ,i was puzzled to know whether the place was deserted or not4 ,i turned my car in toward the house1 bumped over loose rocks--and my engine died4 ,a man appeared on the porch4 ,he was lanky in build1 a little stooped1 apparently about forty years of age1 and was dressed in a blue flannel shirt and a pair of corduroy trousers4 ,can you tell me how far it is to ,new ,york8 ,i asked4 ,yes4 ,how far is it8 ,about a hundred miles as the crow flies4 ,but how far is it by automobile8 ,i don't know1 replied the man1 who seemed to be better posted on crow flights than auto travel4 ,he offered no further remarks1 but stood there indifferently eyeing the car4 ,curbing my annoyance ,i inquired3 ,how do ,i get out to a good automobile road8 ,the way you came in4 ,realizing that ,i could get no information from this uncivil being1 ,i pushed the starter--not a sound4 ,i got out and cranked the engine--not a kick4 ,i looked into my gas tank--not a drop6 ,where is the nearest gas station8 ,i demanded4 ,i don't know--,i burn kerosene1 was the terse reply2 and the man turned and entered the house4 ,i tried to recall the last gas station ,i had passed1 and realized it must have been all of fifteen miles behind4 ,it was now growing dark4 ,i climbed into the car to think of a way out of my awkward situation1 but all ,i could think of was that there were sound reasons for abandoned farms4 ,then ,i got to wondering who this queer character was and why he was living here4 ,as ,i had slept but little the night before1 ,i must have dozed off1 for the next thing ,i knew1 a voice was saying3 ,supper is ready4 ,i got out of the car and followed the man through a dark hall into a large1 low room1 at one end of which a fire was burning briskly in a huge stone fireplace4 ,in the center of the room was a table where we sat down to a dinner of delicious hot biscuits and a great pot of honey4 ,these biscuits are fine1 ,i said4 ,they are4 ,i ate another in silence4 ,and the honey is exquisite4 ,it is4 ,do you keep bees8 ,yes1 millions of them4 ,do you keep any other stock8 ,i asked1 thinking a glass of milk would taste fine4 ,yes1 a blind cat4 ,do you find the bees profitable8 ,no1 ,i keep them for company4 ,why do you live in this lonesome place8 ,to avoid automobilists4 ,i ate three more biscuits1 drowned in honey1 then the silence became unbearable4 ,do you do anything else besides keep bees8 ,i read4 ,that is interesting4 ,what do you read8 ,books4 ,ah6 ,i said1 perhaps you write also4 ,i do4 ,what do you write8 ,books4 ,we finished the meal in silence1 then my host arose and cleared the table4 ,meanwhile ,i wandered about the big room and glanced at the titles on the bookshelves4 ,i was amazed at the catholicity of his taste4 ,side by side1 with ,godesius was ,in ,his ,steps2 leaning against ,schopenhauer's ,die ,welt ,als ,wille ,und ,vorstellung1 was a popular novel of the day4 ,thus made to realize that my host was a person of some caliber1 and aspiring to pursue his acquaintance upon an intellectual plane1 ,i stepped forward1 as he came through the door1 and extended my hand1 saying3 ,my name is ,harold ,hersey4 ,what of it8 he said1 and turned to adjust a kerosene lamp4 ,then he came forward and extended his hand4 ,i will not say ,i am glad to meet you until ,i find out that ,i am4 ,your name8 ,i inquired4 ,dan ,spain4 ,that sounds like a nom de plume1 ,i ventured4 ,it is4 ,feeling that there was nothing further that ,i could say1 ,i pulled out my pipe and seated myself before the fire4 ,dan ,spain settled into a chair nearby4 ,the fact that your name is ,harold ,hersey means nothing to me1 he remarked1 but as ,i presume that you will spend the night here1 ,i might be able to make it less disagreeable for you if ,i knew your trade or occupation4 ,i have always been a little sensitive about revealing my profession to strangers1 because1 unfortunately1 some men do not regard it highly2 so ,i replied3 ,what would you judge me to be from my appearance8 ,a cigar salesman4 ,i hastened to controvert him4 ,looks are deceiving1 ,i said1 ,i am a writer4 ,so ,i read him the following4 ,there was a curious silence afterwards3 ,when the limpid highbrows chatter ,and their candlelights are low2 ,when their purple souls are bitter ,from discussing thus and so1 ,and the ,lucy ,stoners twitter ,in some frowsy studio2 ,when the fat-legged mantees mutter ,and you see their eyeballs twitch2 ,when the parlor wobblies hover ,around the newly rich1 ,and the men of bread-and-butter ,get the art-for-art's-sake itch4444 ,then ,i don't regret the making ,of this idle verse of mine1 ,and my pickling by the ,poohbahs ,in their literary brine1 ,nor the gesture of a ,burdash ,for not hewing to the line4 ,my humor is the laughter ,from life's tickled ribs4 ,it's rough1 ,for it's written from the raw ,where ,i like to get my stuff1 ,and it ought to rise in letters3 ,goodness knows it's light enough4 ,it is nothing to be ashamed of1 said ,dan ,spain1 ,i once worked in a slaughter house4 ,what books have you had published8 ,i asked after a time4 ,none4 ,having had a number of books published myself1 ,i felt that ,i might be of some service to this hermit scholar who had evidently not adjusted himself to the practical exigencies of the publishing business4 ,it is just possible1 ,i suggested1 that my experiences and acquaintances might enable me to help you get some of your work in print--that is1 if you would care to tell me what you are writing4 ,dan ,spain leaned over and attended the fire4 ,after poking it to his satisfaction1 he picked up a live coal and dropped it in the bowl of his pipe4 ,finally he spoke1 and his words were startling enough4 ,just at present1 he said1 ,i am writing an autobiography of ,god4 ,there was a sudden rattle at the shutter4 ,what was that8 ,i asked nervously4 ,dan ,spain laughed4 ,wind1 he replied1 wind through the trees4 ,lightning may strike us dead at any moment because of my blasphemous ambitions4 ,that is why ,i live as a hermit--should ,god's lightning strike at me1 there will be no complications through it hitting an innocent bystander4 ,you are the first person who has spent a night under this roof with me4 ,i am sorry to subject you to the danger1 but you came without an invitation4 ,but why1 ,i asked1 do you want to write a blasphemous book8 ,you are aware1 ,i suppose1 that it might be suppressed4 ,in a country1 the constitution of which guarantees freedom of speech and religious liberty1 ,i grant the possibility4 ,then why1 ,i persisted1 do you want to write it8 ,because1 said ,spain1 ,i am tired of tempering the wind of truth to the lamb of stupidity4 ,must we so fear the anger of the childish mob1 that we dare not deprive them of their fairy tales of ghosts and gobblins1 lest they kick out the props of civilizations8 ,must we1 who no longer bend the knees of the mind in spook idolatry nor shake with the ague of hell fear1 pretend that science and religion have been reconciled and mumble incantations to a metaphysical essence instead of saying to a maternal ,god to open the windows of the sky and spill rain out of heaven8 ,i want to write a blasphemous book because the gods who throttle human intelligence and block human progress have revealed their vulnerable spot--for they are the gods who fear laughter4 ,but surely8 ,i said1 all that is old stuff--,ingersoll has been dead twenty years4 ,present day thinkers only smile indulgently when some handsome faced bucolic clergyman invades a metropolitan pulpit and gets the forgotten monkey argument into the headlines of the daily press4 ,modern philosophy has reconciled religion and science and shown that they hail from the same psychic origins4 ,the dictionary has never been made a sacred book1 returned ,spain1 and ,i cannot try men for heresy who blaspheme it4 ,if a man wishes to designate the emotions he experiences when gazing at the stars by the term 'religion' ,i cannot prevent him4 ,my dictionary defines religion as 'a belief in binding the spirit of man to a supernatural being' and further includes the idea of duties and rites founded upon such belief4 ,if that be religion the war between religion and science can never end4 ,the particular battle ground may change from age to age2 it may be concerned with the mobility of the sun1 the origin of species or the immaculate conception4444 ,well what of it1 ,i remarked1 those things are all relatively unimportant4 ,true said ,spain1 they are1 but science has a job in the future that is vastly important and religion stands in its way4 ,and what is that8 ,i asked4 ,it is the job of saving civilization from degenerating into a chaos besides which the dark ages1 medievalism would seem ,bericlean by comparison4 ,as we are headed now we are on the road for a grand smash4 ,the growing complexities of civilization can only be managed by a human breed of superior capacity1 and instead of breeding a race of better men we are letting the inborn capacity of the human species regress and degenerate4 ,natural selection or the survival of the fittest raised us up from brutes1 and civilization stops the operation of that law which made it possible4 ,blind charity preserves the rabbitries of stupidity--the differential birth rate snuffs out the flame of innate intelligence4 ,the only visible salvation is systematic breeding of superior men2 and against human breeding religion stands garbed in all her mummeries1 shielding behind her wish fancies of immortality1 the leering face of the ape man returned to prowl in the ruins of all we have builded4 ,the little priests of religion play in sweet innocence with their hopes of heaven having not the least conception of the human drift4 ,but the high priests of religion know very well on which side their bread is buttered4 ,they know that spook worship thrives only in the soil of stupidity4 ,they will fight to the last ditch against any serious effort to breed men for brains4 ,their creeds are smoothly schemed to block intelligence in its efforts at biological perpetuation4 ,the fable of a ghostly paternity of the human species fits their purpose like a glove4 ,by inoculating the new-born human animal with a fantasy called a soul they clothe the act of reproduction with a garb of sanctification and endow all sexual and parental functions with rites so skillfully ingrained into popular thought that men who renounce the more patent absurdities of theology are still soaked in the sacramental conception of reactionary morality whenever it touches the reproduction of the species4 ,so they hope to maintain our present scheme of mongrel breeding which is fast blotting out the hard won grains of the tedious climb of human evolution and riding us for a smash of the fabric of civilization1 because the children of the stupid cannot maintain the structure we have wrought4 ,but surely1 ,i said1 you do not intend to propound such ponderous biological and sociological doctrines in an autobiography of your god--if you do so ,i am sure it will be very dull4 ,i had hoped you had in mind some readable piece of literary composition4 ,so ,i had2 ,i was not telling you what ,i intended to write4 ,you asked me why ,i wanted to write it4 ,the god who mustn't be laughed at could make himself very ridiculous by setting down the story of his life4 ,he should not be a metaphysical concept4 ,i should prefer a nice old man with robe and halo and whiskers--,i am sure he should have whiskers4 ,and just when1 ,i asked1 would you have him born8 ,i don't know1 replied ,spain1 ,i have stalled on eternity4 ,i find it quite an awkward span of life to cover in a manuscript4 ,why not dodge the difficulty1 ,i suggested1 by having your story begin the day after eternity4 ,spain turned his gaze upon me with a twinkling light in his eyes4 ,young man1 he said1 ,no wonder you tried to drive an automobile without gasoline--you are suffering from a touch of genius4 ,i shall doubtless need aid1 confessed ,spain1 more cordial1 ,i felt1 than he had previously seemed4 ,as ,i caught the flame of enthusiasm in this man's conviction1 my heart warmed to him4 ,i found myself interested in his proposed ,autobiography of ,god--interested and critical4 ,it might amuse you1 ,i said1 to know that somewhere among my own writing notes ,i have this item jotted down4 ',a tale that should begin the day after eternity4' ,dan ,spain looked at me1 his eyes twinkling1 ,not half bad1 he said4 ,and so began an exchange of suggestions1 a mutual laying on the table of the most guarded treasures of one's over-reaching ambitions to write the impossible4 ,as the night wore on our wits sharpened each on the other1 and before dawn broke1 ,dan ,spain and ,i both realized that we had cast in outline form the skeleton of a most ambitious piece of writing4 ,then we awoke to the fact1 that we1 who were acquaintances of a single session had joined our wits to create something that could not be disentangled without its destruction4 ,and now1 ,i said1 who is going to write this tale of the adventures of the great god ,gud8 ,we must write it together1 replied ,spain1 nothing else would be honest4 ,there followed a period of intermittant work that strung out through several seasons4 ,we worked sometimes alone2 at other times ,i spent week-ends at ,spain's hermitage1 and on a few occasions ,i dragged the hermit down to my quarters in ,greenwich ,village4 ,as the manuscript gathered bulk1 ,i arranged for its typing1 having always a copy made for each of us4 ,during the summer of #aibd1 ,i spent most of the month of ,july at ,spain's hermitage and we got the book completed1 though there were still many parts of it on which we had serious differences of opinion4 ,taking my draft with me1 ,i went back to ,new ,york1 where ,i had to attend to some neglected editorial duties4 ,spain had agreed to come down to my place on the week-end of ,august thirtieth for a final effort to see if we could reconcile our differences of opinion4 ,the intervening weather in the city was oppressive and ,i did no further work on the manuscript4 ,when ,august thirtieth arrived ,spain did not show up4 ,i waited for him another week and then drove my car up to his hermitage in the ,catskills4 ,i bumped over the stones of the miserable trail and brought my car to a halt in front of where ,spain's house had stood4 ,before me ,i saw a yawning circle of trees with the inner sides scorched and withered1 and the great gaunt stone chimney alone now rearing from a heap of ashes4 ,the combustion had been complete4 ,not a charred stick remained4 ,all was white ash1 and well packed down1 for it had rained heavily a few nights before4 ,the evidence of that rain sent my mind hurtling back in review of the weather since ,spain had left ,new ,york4 ,i remembered that one night a few days before ,spain was due to return ,i had found my apartment so oppressive that ,i had gone to ,brighton ,beach4 ,as ,i lay on the sands1 it must have been toward midnight1 a squall had driven across the sky and there had been a bit of a blow and a magnificent electrical display1 but only a few heavy drops of rain had fallen4 ,brighton ,beach was over a hundred miles from this spot in the ,catskills1 and the weather in the two locations might have been wholly dissimilar4 ,still it was suggestive of the worst possible fears4 ,i looked about for something with which ,i could prod into the debris4 ,the only thing available was a great twisted steel lightning rod that reared up through the ashes4 ,the result of my effort was a discovery from which ,i recoiled4 ,for a moment ,i found it expedient to step away from the place4 ,in doing so1 ,i unconsciously dragged the piece of lightning rod along with me4 ,behind a screen of foliage ,i sat down weakly4 ,presently1 my eyes followed along that lightning rod1 and ,i noted that one end was freshly broken where ,i had bent it until it snapped in two4 ,but the other end had been the tip that pointed skyward above the house4 ,this ,i now saw was fused and melted in a way that no heat of a burning wood could have possibly accomplished4 ,i need write but little of the duties that followed4 ,suffice to say1 that every paper that might have revealed more than my slight knowledge of ,spain's origin or connections had been destroyed4 ,the county records yielded nothing except the deed to his property purchased the year before ,i met him4 ,there was nothing for me to do but turn matters over to the local authorities and let the law take its course4 ,i returned to ,new ,york and slept off the weariness the ordeal had engendered4 ,then ,i went to my desk and produced my draft of ,the ,book of ,gud and turned slowly through it4 ,it was all there1 a complete manuscript1 but including many things on which our differences of opinion had not been reconciled--and ,dan ,spain was dead6 ,gradually the responsibilities of my position dawned upon me4 ,i was joint author of ,the ,book of ,gud4 ,however1 my partner in crime was dead4 ,we had written much of the prose together although much of it was by ,spain alone4 ,the verse was mine4 ,how helpless ,i felt with this gigantic task staring me in the face6 ,sensing keenly the sacred trust of fidelity to the intent of a dead author1 ,i did not feel at liberty to make the changes in ,spain's draft that ,i felt should be made4 ,yet1 if my name were to be on the jacket of this book1 ,i did not feel that ,i could possibly let some of the things in ,spain's draft pass without registering my protest4 ,conversely ,i must1 in all fairness1 concede that he had felt the same about some of my lines4 ,my decision on going over the work the first time was that all ,i could do was to let the manuscript pass on to the world exactly as it was when ,god's lightning stilled forever the pen of ,dan ,spain4 ,however1 upon going over the manuscript a second time1 ,i found my instincts as an editor overwhelming this excellent resolution4 ,for several months ,i was torn between my conscience as a writer with its full sense of duty to a dead author and my editorial conscience with its fuller sense of duty to the reading public--and ,i did nothing with the manuscript4 ,but at last a great compromising thought occurred to me4 ,i could leave the manuscript stand intact1 but ,i could write a preface in which ,i could explain the dreadful dilemma in which the death of my collaborator left me1 and why ,i do not feel1 under the distressing circumstances1 that ,i should be held responsible for those parts of ,spain's draft which do not meet my approval4 ,my decision has made possible the publication of ,the ,book of ,gud2 for otherwise ,i should have burned my copy also4 ,it is my hope that this explanation will mitigate the wrath of many readers1 for it is a beautiful fact about human nature that it rarely holds the dead as responsible as it does the living4 ,i frankly confess that it has been a task to hold to this resolution1 for ,i have been sorely tempted to delete as well as comment on some of ,spain's text4 ,as proof of my integrity in this matter1 ,i have even left in the text of the book a note addressed to me by ,spain in which he has expressed his contempt for my work in a most ungentlemanly manner4 ,i hold that the canons of literary ethics do not permit one to alter a dead man's manuscript4 ,if they did1 how quickly we could enrich the literary heritage of ,american children by expurgating the classics of ,europe and rewriting them in a style acceptable to the ,american sense of decency4 ,to some very literally minded persons it may seem that the view just expressed is not consistent with my capacity as a joint author of ,the ,book of ,gud4 ,let me therefore discount any such criticisms by explaining that the evil effects of literature all come from its realism4 ,the ,book of ,gud is romantic and symbolic4 ,there is true beauty in symbolism because of the variety of possible interpretations4 ,each reader can gain the meaning particularly adapted to himself4 ,the greatest art is that which can be interpreted in the most devious ways3 ,witness the character of ,hamlet1 the enigma of ,mona ,lisa1 the riddle of the ,book of ,revelations4 ,to me ,hamlet is the personification of a weak will in a strong mind1 due to the ,european habit of inbreeding royalty4 ,mona ,lisa1 ,i believe1 reveals the patience of a great woman who knows that she will ultimately get what she wants4 ,the ,book of ,revelation ,i deem to be a symbolic anticipation of the ,darwinian theory of man's descent from prehistoric animals4 ,in ,the ,book of ,gud there is great symbolism1 and in symbolism there can be nothing degrading1 as each mind interprets it according to its own intellectual and moral plane4 ,hence there can never be degradation in symbolic literature1 except for degraded minds4 ,here then is ,the ,book of ,gud2 and1 with the exception of this preface1 ,i bow to the principle that death should end an author's work and so it should remain1 even as ,sodom and ,gomorrah1 ,pompeii and ,herculaneum remained as they were when fire rained down on them from ,heaven4 7,signed71 ,,harold ,,hersey4 ,london1 ,england1 ,april ,first1 #aibe4 ,chapter ,,ii ,from out the distant and neglected past1 ,the is or isn'tness of things remain ,as ever still unsolved4 ,admitting this1 ,outscepting every sceptic1 we've indulged ,our wildest fancies 444 where unknowables ,go chasing unattainables4 ,we've spared ,no god1 religion1 science1 sex or art1 ,but laid about us with a heavy fist4 ,there are so many twists of humor ,in ,euclid's cubes and angles4 ,laughter hides ,with playfulness behind philosophy ,like little monsters in an ancient's beard4 ,so many gods are out of work--they beg ,for bread and sympathy to empty stalls ,where once delighted thousands paid them praise4 ,religion simmers in the pot1 or boils ,completely over as the housewives nod4 ,strange trolls peek out from books of mathematics1 ,grimace around cold scientific theories4 ,dwarfs and goblins play at hide and seek ,in empty attics of the homes of creeds2 ,while sex is swept with laughter like a gale ,when we disturb the surface with an axe4 ,have mercy on our hero1 ,gud the ,great4 ,the clouds of history had cloaked his tomb ,like old ,zumbissus1 ,mord and ,red ,torswaine1 ,until we carefully unearthed the tale ,gud's wild adventures furnish to romance4 ,we took his crumbling bones and gave them life-- ,his human frailties and deeds of valor4 ,no doubt heroically he suffers thus ,at our faint hands--but let the subject be4 ,the future cannot hide its heroes yet ,to come beneath a cloud of silence 444 hands ,other than ours--aliens and scornful1 too1 ,would some day come upon this untold tale ,and lay it bare with scalpels cold and sharp4 ,at least we had regard for laws of prophesy1 ,the customs of a future time4 ,here stands ,the ,book of ,gud upon the rocks of truth4 ,yet when one goes to ,rome1 ,dame ,rumor says1 ,burn ,roman candles--this have we done4 ,chapter ,,iii ,there was once a god whose name was ,gud4 ,gud was not a real god such as men believe in4 ,he was only ,gud1 whom no one believes in1 and so does not exist1 and will not unless some man who reads this ,book of ,gud should believe in him and so make him 7for that is how gods are made74 ,if there be sufficient faith in a god1 all is well with that god1 since he is made by faith alone1 without works1 and is dead4 ,but a little faith is a dangerous thing4 ,now ,gud had had a universe1 and had ordered it destroyed1 and had ordained that eternity be over and done4 ,the morning after1 ,gud sat alone in space4 ,all things else had been destroyed save ,gud and space2 and ,gud was lonely1 for creation had been done and undone and was no more1 and eternity was over2 and time was no more1 for there were no more stars to mark the course of time4 ,since this book is being written now1 printed now1 and read now and burned now2 and since printing presses and reading eyes and consuming fires exist in an age of whirling worlds and beating hearts and ticking watches1 which mark time and thus seem to make it1 it is that this book is not4 ,those things that seem to happen herein1 one after another1 really happened instantaneously1--for this is a tale of a timeless time1 and there will be1 when these things are1 no time at all1 and no hope of any time1 since this story begins1 and is finished the day after eternity1 which is after the ending of all that was and before the beginning of that which will never be4 ,therefore1 this story is really not a story1 because it never could happen until after all things had happened4 ,so what you now are reading has no meaning at all and no existence1 real or unreal4 ,so ,gud sat alone in space4 ,the fact that ,gud was sitting is very important4 ,gud sat down in haste at the very last moment of eternity1 as all things were being destroyed2 for he saw that the very next moment there would be nothing left on which to stand4 ,as ,gud sat alone in space1 he thought of everything that had been and remembered everything that was1 and ,gud saw that it was not good--for he had nothing at all to do4 ,so ,gud thought he would listen to his heart beat2 but alas1 he could not hear his heart beat for there was no time for his heart to beat to4 ,so ,gud decided that he would do nothing1 but alas he could do nothing for there was nothing to do2 and ,gud feared nothing1 for it did not exist1 and like all of us1 ,gud most feared that which does not exist4 ,so ,gud repented him that he had ordained that eternity be over and done2 and that he had destroyed the universe and all that was therein contained1 save himself and space4 ,then ,gud said to himself1 there being no one else to talk to3 ,i must find something to do1 or ,i shall go mad4 ,since ,gud knew all things1 and remembered all things1 he recalled that men in whose image he was made1 also frequently retired prematurely from business and were hard put for something to do4 ,gud remembered also that great men1 even though they were not as great as he1 when finding themselves in similar circumstances1 sometimes wrote their autobiographies4 ,so ,gud decided to write his autobiography4 ,and ,gud wrote it4 ,he wrote it instantaneously1 there being no time in which to write it4 ,gud did not write it upon tables of stone1 as there was no stone out of which to make the tables2 and besides there was no gravity and hence the stones would have floated away4 ,so ,gud wrote his autobiography on nothing4 ,but as ,gud knew all things he saw no need of writing them down1 since there was no one else to read them1 and so he really never wrote his autobiography on anything4 ,however when he had finished the manuscript1 he sent it to a publisher4 ,and waited4444 ,gud received but little satisfaction from writing his autobiography because it was never published4 ,had ,gud been a true literary artist this would have made no difference1 since to the true artist the plaudits and ducats of the multitude have no meaning whatever4 ,but the ducats of the multitude are the only reason publishers ever publish books1 as any honest publisher will tell you4 ,the reason that you do not know this is because you have not been told1 and the reason that you have not been told is because publishers hate publicity4 ,but1 while ,gud was not a true artist1 as any critic who has looked at his work could tell you1 yet he was a good artisan and had considerable experience in his craft1 which was that of creating things4 ,so now1 receiving no satisfaction from having written his autobiography1 ,gud decided that there was nothing else to do but to go back to work at his old trade4 ,so he arose and went to get his kit of well-beloved tools1 which were the tools of creation4 ,as there was no light ,gud was in the dark4 ,so he walked in a circle1 as one always does when he walks in the dark and does not know where he is going4 ,the reason that ,gud did not know where he was going is because he started out to get his tools of creation4 ,then ,gud recalled that he had destroyed everything1 including the tools4 ,and at the thought that he had made a perfect job of destruction1 ,gud decided that it was the end of a perfect day1 and he fell asleep4 ,when ,gud awoke it was as it was4 ,he did not even feel rested1 for he had not slept very well1 having had a bad dream4 ,this dream was so bad that one might have called it a nightmare1 had it not been dreamed the day after eternity and perforce must have been a day dream4 ,gud realized that he ought to have the dream interpreted1 for a dream is meaningless until it is interpreted4 ,so he decided that he needed a psychoanalyst4 ,all of these having been destroyed1 ,gud decided to create one4 ,this decision brought him back to the painful realization that he possessed no tools of creation4 ,so ,gud decided to make a new set of tools of creation4 ,but alas there was nothing out of which to make the tools of creation--nothing except ,gud himself and space4 ,so not wishing to dismember himself1 ,gud decided that space was the only raw material available out of which to fashion new tools of creation4 ,there was plenty of space--probably no more than there had always been1 but it seemed more because there was nothing in it4 ,as there was no light1 ,gud could not see the space1 but he knew it was there because it had not been destroyed2 moreover1 he could feel it4 ,in fact it was all about him and plenty more just like it everywhere else4 ,so ,gud reached out and felt of the space1 and thereby discovered that the space was full of points4 ,then ,gud picked up two of the points and placed them1 one on his right and the other on his left4 ,and ,gud felt the two points1 and lo1 there was a straight line between them4 ,as ,gud felt of the straight line1 he discovered that it was the shortest distance between two points4 ,now ,gud remembered that all through eternity1 which was finished and done1 a straight line had always been the shortest distance between two points1 and ,gud remembered also that this was the truth4 ,and the truth that was in the straight line mocked ,gud4 ,so he took hold of the straight line and bent it until it was no longer straight4 ,but as he bent the straight line another took its place1 and truth was still in the straight line2 for it was still the shortest distance between two points4 ,so ,gud struck off one of the points that was at one end of the straight line4 ,but straightway another point came at the end of that which remained of the line1 and truth was still in the line1 for it was still the shortest distance between two points4 ,and ,gud became heated with wrath4 ,so he picked up a palm leaf fan and fanned himself4 ,then ,gud said3 ,that which ,i cannot destroy ,i will change4 ,and he set about to make a curved line between two points that should be shorter than a straight line4 ,gud toiled diligently at the task for for what would have been a long time if there had been any time4 ,after he had made an infinite number of curves between the two points1 all of which were longer than the straight line1 he chanced to make a curve which he fitted between the two points4 ,when he felt it ,gud was filled with pride--for the last curve which he had made was a shorter distance between two points than a straight line1 and thus was truth destroyed4 ,but this curve which ,gud had made was a changing curve1 and it continued to change4 ,and ,gud became frightened so that his knees smote one against the other4 ,the curve ceased not in its changing and presently it had changed so much that it became impossible1 and ,gud said3 ,this thing which ,i have made is impossible4 ,so he took the impossible curve and swung it about his head with a mighty swing and hurled it out of space4 ,when ,gud had hurled the impossible curve out of space he felt again between the two points and found that the straight line had returned1 and was again the shortest distance between the two points4 ,and ,gud said3 ,let it be so4 ,old truth is better than new fiction4 ,and the eyes of ,gud were opened1 and he knew that there was much truth all about him1 and that all space was full of truths and that the truths of space were mathematics4 ,and ,gud said3 ,it is good1 for lo1 here is something out of which ,i can fashion me the tools of creation6 ,so ,gud took a circle and a square1 and1 with the square1 ,gud squared the circle4 ,then he took a plane and planed off the sides of the circle he had squared and so produced a diamond1 which is an element4 ,then ,gud transmuted the first element into many elements and so produced matter4 ,now ,gud was about to mix the matter with the mathematics to form the chemical life1 but he was weary and sat down to rest by the heap of matter and mathematics and pondered himself whether life was worth the making4 ,and ,gud decided that if he made life he would have to make also many laws of nature to control life and that all of this would be much trouble1 especially1 if they were to be all hand-made4 ,as he sat debating what he should do1 ,gud picked up a circle1 and1 toying with it1 he happened to turn it about so that it described a sphere4 ,it was a thing of beauty and he tossed it up to see how it felt from a distance4 ,when ,gud tossed the sphere it began whirling2 and as it whirled1 it gave off a sweet sound4 ,the sound pleased ,gud and he turned other circles about and made more spheres and set them whirling2 and they made a concord of sweet sounds which was the music of the spheres and like unto the sound made by dewdrops falling on the petals of pale poppies by the amber light of a low hung moon shining upon a moss-covered tomb4 ,chapter ,,iv ,shepherd and ,son and little ,bo-peep ,herd all the souls like frightened sheep4 ,staff in hand1 hair like snow ,does even ,he know where they go8 ,a swish as of a sudden wind4444 ,an open window 444 a candle thinned1 ,from broken bodies' spirits leap ,to join the flock of frightened sheep4 ,so ever ,they drive them on and on ,down the night and over the dawn1 ,and when dusk comes through golden bars ,they urge them onward up the stars4 ,chapter ,v ,when the music had done ,gud picked up a curved line which was shaped like a scimetar and whacked at the whirling spheres4 ,each time ,gud whacked1 he whacked off a disk from a whirling sphere2 and the disks continued to whirl and ceased not4 ,soon a corner of space was full of whirling wheels4 ,and ,gud wondered what made the wheels go round4 ,as he felt the wheels go round ,gud remembered a far and distant world he had once visited before he had destroyed the universe4 ,he remembered that this little world had been full of machines and that the machines had wheels going round1 and could make things4 ,and ,gud remembered as far back as a god can remember1 and yet he could not recall ever having made machines that made things4 ,he saw that he had been unprogressive to have created with hand tools and never to have made machines nor the things that machines made4 ,so ,gud resolved straightway to make a creating machine4 ,he gathered the wheels together and filled them with substance from the heap of matter that he had made4 ,and then he took squares and triangles and curves and cones and rhomboids and tetrahedrons and a great many other things that were in space2 and he worked very fast and furiously1 and presently he had made a machine which ground with a deafening roar1 for it was a high-speed1 self-acting1 creating machine1 the like of which had never been4 ,and the machine began to create and to grind out things4 ,but there was nothing alive in the things which the creating machine ground out1 for it had not in it the breath of life1 but only the spirit of the machine4 ,those things which the machine made were other machines2 and they came out of the creating machine endowed with the spirit of the machine1 and straightway they began also to turn and grind with a great and discordant roar4 ,the machines of transportation began to distribute the other machines through space4 ,they roared and shrieked and whistled as they hurtled thither and yon1 and ,gud fled before them4 ,then came also great lighting machines and filled all the center of space with light1 and drove the darkness into the outer edges of space1 toward which ,gud had fled4 ,there were many myriads of machines that ,gud did not know1 and he had no time in which to name them4 ,but there were some machines that were very dreadful1 and of these ,gud knew the names and the uses1 for he had seen the like of them in the little world of machines he had once visited1 for these were killing machines4 ,but the killing machines could find nothing to kill for there was not any life1 but only the machines that were fast filling all space4 ,the spirit of the killing machines was not to create but to destroy and they boomed and shrieked mightily for their prey4 ,gud was sore afraid1 and because of the great noise of the machines1 he could not remember that he was immortal and need not fear even the killing machines4 ,so ,gud reached the outer edges of space and stood there in the dark panting and trembling4 ,and ,gud regretted that he had made the creating machine which had made all of the other machines1 and he wondered what he might do to undo what he had done4 ,then ,gud bolstered his courage1 and walked back into the midst of the roaring machines and bade the machines be still4 ,but only hearing the machines1 the talking machines and the printing machines obeyed1 for they only understood the word of ,gud4 ,then he commanded the talking machines and the printing machines to make words and news and gossip1 and to proclaim to the other machines that they should cease to roar4 ,and the word machines obeyed ,gud and made words1 but the other machines harkened not unto the words of ,gud4 ,gud feared that if the machines did not cease to be made they might fill all space1 so that nothing else could ever be4 ,then ,gud1 remembering that he was immortal1 walked up to a great killing machine which gaped its terrible maw to swallow him4 ,but ,gud feared not and walked into the terrible maw and into the throat of the killing machine4 ,and when ,gud came out of the bowels of the killing machine he held in his hand a great sword that was as long as hope deferred and as broad as a liberal mind4 ,carrying the sword1 ,gud fled again from the midst of the machines and to the outer reaches of space4 ,and ,gud swung the mighty sword and cut off the edges of space4 ,he made haste1 for the machines did fast approach and he feared that they might fill all space4 ,so ,gud ran about swinging his mighty sword1 and shearing the edges of space4 ,the edges of space ,gud trimmed off from the center of space where the machines were1 so that the space occupied by the machines was bounded about by clean edges of space1 beyond which no more space was and not anything at all4 ,and it came to pass that there was very little space for ,gud to be in1 and the machines came on4 ,gud stood against the clean edges of space and brandished his mighty sword and cried3 ,come on1 ye soulless machines1 for ,i am ,gud and ,i fear ye not4 ,as the machines came on1 ,gud swung his sword with might and valor1 and the machines that fell before the sword of ,gud were as many as there are ways to displease a woman4 ,so great was the destruction of the machines that the calculating machines did call a halt and asked for a truce4 ,but ,gud would give no quarter4 ,then the calculating machines1 leaving the others to receive the blows of ,gud1 hied themselves back to the center of space where the creating machine was4 ,as the result of their calculations1 reinforcements came to the cause of the machines4 ,these new recruits came on with whistlings and hummings and greater roaring than ,gud had yet heard2 and his courage was shaken so that his sword trembled in his hands1 for the new recruits to the cause of the machines blew a great blast before them2 for they were the fans and the blowers4 ,and ,gud felt the blast in his face1 and his sword swayed and shivered like a feather in the blast4 ,and the blast became a mighty wind and the wind blew the sword of ,gud from his hand and blew it over the edge of space1 so that ,gud was unarmed and cried aloud for quarter4 ,but the howling of the blast drowned his cry1 and the fans and blowers came on1 blowing all before them4 ,gud turned and fled and ran around the narrow rim of the edge of space1 but the fans and blowers followed after him and made a great cyclone that blew around the edges of space4 ,gud fled in the wind and was bruised and torn by the wind and the garments of ,gud were shattered and torn 444 and ,gud was lifted out of space and hurled into an abysmal void where not even space was4 ,chapter ,,vi ,but in that wind beyond all space ,the blast howled fiercely in his face4444 ,suddenly1 from out the sky ,a mote of dust blew in his eye4 ,with pain he slowly rubbed it out1 ,examined it with passing doubt1 ,then burst into a tide of mirth3 ,it was the cinder of an earth6 ,chapter ,,vii ,gud was walking and as he walked he wondered wherein and whereon he was walking4 ,but as he knew all things he realized that he was in the ,nth dimension and that he was walking along the ,impossible ,curve which he had thrown out of space4 ,so ,gud walked along the ,impossible ,curve in the ,nth dimension until he came to a heap of discarded theories4 ,it was a tangled heap and looked as if it might be a hiding place of ideas4 ,so ,gud caught up one of the sturdier theories and shook it1 and the dried facts that the theory had borne rattled off like rotten fruit from a dead branch4 ,gud plucked the twigs of hypotheses from the heavier theory--and so made for himself a staff4 ,this he rammed lustily into the tangled heap of theories1 whereupon something ran out and leaped along the ,impossible ,curve4 ,when it stopped1 ,gud1 with his staff in hand1 walked after it and came up to it1 and thought that it was the echo of a voice4 ,what were you doing8 demanded ,gud1 hiding in that heap of discarded theories8 ,alas1 said that which ,gud thought was the echo of a voice1 ,i was not hiding4 ,there was nothing left of me to hide1 because ,i was an obedient man and gave myself away even as ,i was told to do4 ,what did they tell you to do8 asked ,gud4 ,they told me to do what ,i did4 ,what did you do8 ,the nothing sighed1 and then said faintly3 ,i gave my wealth to the poor1 my mind to my work1 my heart to my wife1 my life to my country and my soul to my god4 ,gud reached over and picked up the nothing which he had thought was the echo of a voice4 ,he picked it up by the ears1 which were very thin1 and looked into its eyes1 which were pale pink1 and stroked its fur1 which was soft and white4 ,then ,gud tied the nothing's ears together and hung it over his staff1 and proceeded on his way4 ,as ,gud walked on along the ,impossible ,curve he saw himself approaching to meet him4 ,this made ,gud very angry at himself because himself insisted on walking in the opposite direction1 which seemed to show ,gud that he had a dual nature and could go two ways at once4 ,so ,gud charged ahead to meet himself1 and as he approached himself he swung the staff1 which was over his shoulder1 with a vicious blow at himself4 ,in his anger1 ,gud had forgotten the nothing which was hanging by its ears on his staff4 ,as he swung the staff1 the ,impossible ,curve took a sudden turn in an unknown direction so that ,gud missed himself at which he struck4 ,but that which was hanging by the ears flew off the staff and went hurtling through the deceitful mirror4 ,in this new excitement ,gud forgot himself and peered through the deceitful mirror to see what had become of nothing4 ,gud saw that nothing was being chased by something1 which ,gud recognized as the reflection of an ,underdog4 ,the chase was exciting2 the nothing ducked and the reflection of an ,underdog leaped over it4 ,then the nothing turned and started back toward the deceitful mirror1 through which ,gud was peering4 ,the reflection of the ,underdog turned also1 and when the quarry reached the mirror it came back through and its pursuer came after it4 ,quickly ,gud swung his staff again and broke the mirror into ten thousand pieces4 ,then he turned about and saw1 by the contented look on the face of the ,underdog1 that nothing was no more4 ,gud was glad he had been engaged in breaking the mirror and so had not seen the finale of the chase1 for thus he missed the suffering of the victim and yet could see the satisfaction of the victor4 ,gud now looked at the staff in his hand and saw that it had borne a luscious fruit4 ,he plucked the fruit and tasted it4 ,at first it tasted very sweet but later the taste turned bitter in his mouth4 ,gud looked again at the staff which he had picked from the heap of discarded theories1 and ,gud saw that he held in his hand the theory of conquest4 ,in horror he hurled it from him1 and it struck the ,underdog1 who gave forth a great howl of pain4 ,gud felt compassion for the ,underdog and picked him up and nursed his wound1 and the ,underdog licked ,gud's hands4 ,then he sat the ,underdog down and started on his way1 and the ,underdog followed at ,gud's heels along the ,impossible ,curve4 ,chapter ,,viii ,the ,gogs are good1 the ,gogs are great1 ,they rule a realm of real estate4 ,their greedy little eyes are slits ,that vision beauty torn to bits1 ,and when the night's aglow with stars ,they stagger through the lupinars4 ,the ,gogs are good1 the ,gogs are great ,we slave to rent their real estate2 ,we toil in their behalf like fools1 ,obey their customs1 creeds and rules1 ,because each intellectual hog ,would like to be1 and is a ,gog6 ,chapter ,,ix ,so they trudged along very happily until they met some one4 ,gud was dumbfounded4 ,what can you be doing on this ,impossible ,curve8 he cried1 for ,i destroyed everything and my dog has eaten nothing4 ,speak up1 sir1 and tell me what you are before ,i annihilate you again4 ,i am ,cruickshank1 the bookkeeper1 replied the some one4 ,ah ha1 exclaimed ,gud1 and so you are another of those living things that evolved out of the ooze and slime of that little sphere that got the valences of its carbon atoms so dreadfully entangled6 ,i am a man1 said ,cruickshank1 the bookkeeper4 ,but1 said ,gud1 quite exasperated1 ,i told you ,i destroyed everything4 ,and so you did1 agreed ,cruickshank1 the bookkeeper1 but do you not recall those that escaped and floated down on the star dust to wait for the day of judgment8 ,i certainly remember them very well1 said ,gud1 but ,i would have you to know that this is not the day of judgment but the day after eternity1 and what is more1 you did not escape on the star dust as you claim1 for ,i chased after that bunch and destroyed them quite utterly4 ,in a way1 said ,cruickshank1 the bookkeeper1 you did1 but we saved our souls by losing them4 ,but1 cried ,gud1 you are not a soul1 for see-- and ,gud poked ,cruickshank1 the bookkeeper1 gingerly in the ribs--you are a material man with ribs and life and a liver and much orthodox and conventional stupidity4 ,in fact1 you seem very much like ,cruickshank that you always were4 ,how do you explain that8 ,the explanation is very simple1 said ,cruickshank1 the bookkeeper1 and also very important2 and you would do well not to forget it or tamper with it4 ,i am ,cruickshank the bookkeeper1 just as ,i always have been1 because you can not change human nature4 ,and what is more1 ,i tell you that if you divided all the wealth up equally it would be unequal again before sunset4 ,mere popular fallacies1 said ,gud4 ,and now ,i am going to show you who ,i really am4 ,when my ,underdog here barks at the moon you are going to change into a boiled lobster with one great claw--a very red lobster1 on which your insufferable white collar will look quite ridiculous4 ,but1 cried ,cruickshank1 you can not change human nature6 ,yes1 yes1 ,i know1 said ,gud4 ,that is why ,i am doing it4 ,now bark1 commanded ,gud1 addressing the ,underdog1 whose name was ,fidu4 ,but1 said ,fidu1 ,i do not see any moon to bark at4 ,imagine one1 stupid1 said ,gud4 ,so ,fidu imagined a moon to bark at1 and barked at the moon he imagined2 and then he and ,gud went on their way1 leaving a great1 red1 boiled lobster1 wearing a white collar and crawling backward with one claw1 along the ,impossible ,curve4 ,chapter ,x ,now ,cruickshank was a loyal worker ,who frowned upon the average shirker1 ,and in the place where ,cruickshank toiled ,the wheels of work were shrewdly oiled1 ,and profits had a way of rising ,which showed the firm as enterprising4 ,through years that numbered thirty-one ,cruickshank hated the owner's son-- ,stool pigeon was the name the boy ,had given him with whoops of joy4 ,in ,cruickshank's breast ambition burned ,and so he lived and worked and earned1 ,robbed ,paul and ,peter1 had no gout ,and made his family go without4 ,sly ,cruickshank in his stealthy way ,bought shares in the firm for a rainy day1 ,existing on a miser's dole ,for the hour when he would have control1 ,wander in and announce the doom ,of the ,president's son in the ,president's room4444 ,so ,cruickshank labored and did not shirk ,though his poor wife died from overwork4 ,but finally came the day of days4444 ,sly ,cruickshank asked for a lordly raise4 ,when father and son had answered ,no ,expecting old ,cruickshank to go ,he shrieked the triumph of his soul3 ,you are both discharged--,i'm in control---- ,the ,president looked at the ,president's son2 ,and the son looked at his father's son ,in a mirror that hung on the wall nearby ,and carefully straightened his yellow tie4 ,old ,cruickshank waited ill at ease ,and felt a trembling in his knees-- ,the ,president spoke3 ,why1 we've just mailed ,the notice that this firm has failed4 ,chapter ,,xi ,after a long journey ,gud came to a place where it looked as if it needed rain4 ,so he sat down upon a cactus and took out his horoscope and consulted the stars4 ,then he made an elliptical ring around a new moon and hung the moon low in the sky4 ,and ,gud took a scarlet runner bean and put it in a pot and lit a fire of cactus thorns and set the pot to boil4 ,when the thorns began to crackle1 an arrogant savor arose from the pot1 and the vapors of it filled the sky1 and through the vapors the new-made moon shown red as the blood of saints torn by lions because of their faith4 ,gud blew his breath on the fire and it waxed hot as anger and the pot boiled over and quenched the fire4 ,gud reached his hand into the pot and drew out the bean and cut it into three halves4 ,and the left half of the bean he ate1 and the right half of the bean he cast into ,hell1 but the other half of the bean ,gud planted beneath a flat stone that bore the footprint of a hero who had passed that way when the stone was but a drifting sand on a lonely shore4 ,presently the bean half sprouted1 and the sprout split the stone athwart and rent the footprint of the hero4 ,gud watered the bean with tears1 because there was no rain in that place4 ,so the bean grew and on its stem were the leaves of the maiden-hair tree1 and the tendrils by which the bean clambered were the tendrils of the snake-feeder vine1 and the flowers that sprang from the nodules of the bean stalk were the flowers of the wormwood tree1 but they gave forth the odor of liverworts and were of the color of faded hopes or of stale music4 ,gud cut marks on the bean pole to observe the rate of growth of the bean vine1 and he found that it grew much faster than grief dies but not so fast as jealousy is born4 ,and when the bean reached the top of the pole and could grow no more1 it conceived and bore a fruit that was like a ripe gourd4 ,four eyes grew in the face of the fruit and a dim light shone out of the eyes4 ,and ,gud heard the patter of tiny feet within1 and presently the ghosts of three blind mice came out of the four eyes of the fruit1 one out of each of the four eyes1 for the third one came out twice4 ,oh1 under the stars are things to see that fold ,their shining webs around the hidden sun4444 ,when the flesh is faint and the heart grows limp and old1 ,surely the work of living is not done4 ,there was a breathless stillness and the crowd ,leaned forward1 looking on and barely stirred4 ,the surgeon1 knife in hand1 with spotted shroud1 ,cut close around the heart and said no word4 ,they saw his patient die1 and whispered one ,unto another in the clinic there4 ,but yet the surgeon saw strange actions done ,that streaked his head with strands of snow-white hair4 ,from out the dead man's open chest there crept ,a shaggy spider shining in the light1 ,that shook itself like one who having slept ,puts vainly back the shadows of the night4 ,the surgeon clutched his throat4 ,within his breast ,he felt a living thing twist here and there2 ,a thing that stirred from out a deep unrest ,like something moving through a drowned man's hair4 ,the students only saw his hair turn white4444 ,but he heard tiny pulses throb and beat1 ,he felt slim fingers clawing out of sight ,and hearkened to the patter of tiny feet4 ,then shrieking fell across the clinic floor ,the students pouring from their seats4 ,stark dead ,he must have been for he said nothing more2 ,his fingers twitched and once he moved his head4 ,they did not see that from his mouth there crept ,a shaggy spider shining in the light1 ,that shook itself like one who having slept ,puts vainly back the shadows of the night4 ,then sideways moved it1 trembling as though cold1 ,following where the other spider ran4444 ,oh1 hidden away there are things that are strange and old1 ,and weave strange webs in the very breast of man4 ,chapter ,,xii ,and the ghosts of the three blind mice sang to ,gud as if their hearts would break4 ,they sang of brave deeds1 for they had been field mice and they had died upon the field of honor4 ,and when the song was done1 ,gud wept again2 for now he understood why it had never rained in that place4 ,so he arose and stamped out the smouldering embers of the fire he had builded1 and whistled for the ,underdog4 ,and when the ,underdog came he devoured the ghosts of the three blind mice1 the one after the other and the third which came out twice1 after the one4 ,then the ,underdog licked his chops and ,gud sighed1 and together they departed from that place1 very sorrowful that they had come4 ,chapter ,,xiii ,what are you eating8 asked ,fidu1 the ,underdog1 returning from a fruitless chase4 ,i am eating leopard's spots1 replied ,gud2 will you have some8 ,no thanks1 returned ,fidu1 for they look to me like apples of ,sodom or ,dead ,sea fruit4 ,that is what they are4 ,but1 retorted ,fidu1 you just now said they were leopard's spots4 ,so they were1 said ,gud1 but ,i changed them4 ,chapter ,,xiv ,then ,fidu pricked up his ears and listened4 ,and ,gud listened also and he heard a far-off wailing sound1 as of a soul in torment4 ,so he bade ,fidu to remain where he was1 and he cast down his staff for the ,underdog to watch1 for he was a watchdog also4 ,then ,gud went on alone to find the cause of the wailing4 ,when he found it1 behold1 it was a soul in pain1 and ,gud said3 ,what can ,i do to stop your wailing8 ,the tormented soul replied3 ,oh1 comrade1 ,i wail because of the memory of injustice and inequality4 ,then your case is simple4 ,i do not know what these things were1 the memory of which distresses you1 but ,i have a tube of oblivion here that ,i can assure you will destroy any memory4 ,at this the soul shrank from ,gud and wailed the louder4 ,but1 ,i do not want to forget1 for that would be unfaithful to the cause4 ,then1 what do you want8 asked ,gud impatiently4 ,i want to see the revolution come4 ,what is that8 asked ,gud1 his curiosity now thoroughly aroused4 ,the revolution1 said the soul1 would make a world where all are equal1 and perfect justice reigns4 ,i never heard of a world like that1 but ,i think ,i can make one4 ,if ,i do so1 will that stop your wailing8 ,alas1 it cannot be1 for the world of equality must be made by the workers themselves4 ,but ,i do not see any workers4 ,true1 they were all destroyed in the rebellion against their masters4 ,then1 where are the masters8 ,they were all destroyed in suppressing the rebellion of the workers4 ,that must have been quite a fight1 remarked ,gud4 ,on which side were you8 ,my heart was with the workers1 said the soul1 but my training and inhibitions were with the masters4 ,therefore1 ,i was torn between opposing forces and was transfixed with horror and remained neutral1 which is why ,i alone escaped destruction4 ,just what were you8 asked ,gud1 a little puzzled4 ,i was a parlor sociologist1 said the soul1 straightening up proudly4 ,i am sorry that you weren't either a master or a worker1 said ,gud1 for your wailing annoys me and it annoyed my dog4 ,i think ,i had better destroy you now4 ,at this the soul cringed cowardly1 and ,gud was annoyed and turned to go1 whereupon the soul started wailing more dismally than ever4 ,gud turned back again and said3 ,whatever it was you wanted1 ,i see ,i will have to make it for you1 because ,i cannot stand that wailing--it sounds like a hell that a friend of mine was experimenting with1 and ,i do not like it4 ,i wail1 said the soul1 because ,i remember the injustice and inequality1 and because the workers are all destroyed and revolution can never be4 ,nonsense6 ,nothing can never be4 ,let us make this thing and be done with it4 ,what was it you said you wanted8 ,the world of equality4 ,but just a moment ago you said it was a revolution4 ,true4 ,but that was but a means to the end4 ,shall ,i make the means or the end8 ,alas1 neither can ever be1 for the workers are destroyed4 ,you said that before4 ,you talk in circles like a philosopher1 and ,i don't like philosophers2 they are all talk2 ,i believe in action4 ,i don't know what you want1 but ,i heard you say something about a world4 ,i understand that and can make it--,i have made myriads of them just to pass the time away4 ,wait a second4 ,when he had spoken thus1 ,gud took out his pocket handkerchief and held it up by two corners4 ,now1 you see1 said ,gud1 as he exhibited first one side and then the other2 the handkerchief is perfectly empty4 ,the soul looked at the handkerchief and saw that ,gud spoke the truth4 ,now watch6 said ,gud1 determined to do this thing as impressionably as possible4 ,then1 as the soul watched1 ,gud caught up the other corners of the handkerchief2 then he rolled it into a ball and tossed it up and caught it and made magic passes and said3 ,doramialfalfalasido and did several other perfectly useless and unnecessary things1 as all magicians and miracle workers do4 ,then he caught the handkerchief by the center and shook it out vociferously1 and there was a nice virgin world spinning round and round1 with its axis wabbling a bit so as to give it a change of climate4 ,the soul was duly impressed when it saw a real sky-covered dirt-bottomed world spinning from east to west2 and the soul said3 ,i beg your pardon1 comrade1 ,i did not recognize you as a worker1 but ,i see that you are1 for you have created something--pardon me1 but have you a card8 ,gud was puzzled for a moment4 ,then he remembered the cards he had printed when he entered celestial society1 and he drew one out and handed it to the soul4 ,the soul could not read the language in which it was printed1 and not wanting to admit his ignorance1 assumed that it was ,o4,k4 ,now are you satisfied8 asked ,gud4 ,the world pleases me1 but there is no one in it4 ,so ,gud took the soul by the hand and they leaped across the void and found themselves in the world ,gud had made1 and standing in a beautiful garden full of luscious fruit and nice tame animals4 ,the soul sighed a little sigh of delight1 and sat down on an ant hill and began eating alligator pears4 ,gud strolled around for a few centuries and counted the animals to see if they were all there1 and being satisfied on that point1 he went back to the soul1 who was still sitting on the ant hill eating avacadoes4 ,so ,gud went out again and counted the sands of the seashore4 ,he had to count five times to make the count come out twice alike1 but in the middle of the fifth count he succeeded and so he went back and found the soul had eaten all the fruit in the garden and was beginning to whimper4 ,oh1 bother1 said ,gud1 are you going to start that wailing again8 ,what's the matter now8 ,i have not the patience1 the soul cried1 to wait for the tedious and materialistic process of evolution to make rational beings2 and besides if ,i had1 in the struggle for existence they would all become unequal and the revolution would still have to be--it might be sanguinary1 and the sight of blood makes me sick at my stomach4 ,i never said anything about evolution1 replied ,gud4 ,as a matter of fact1 ,i do not take much stock in it1 and many of my friends do not believe in it at all2 besides1 it is liable to get out of hand and produce something entirely different from one's designs4 ,so if you will tell me what more you want ,i will make it outright1 like ,i did this world4 ,i only want1 said the soul1 to see this beautiful place inhabited by happy1 rational beings among whom there will be no inequality4 ,that means that they must all be exactly alike as atoms of hydrogen4 ,well--yes1 admitted the soul rather grudgingly4 ,i suppose it does1 if you put it that way1 but it sounds much nicer merely to speak of equality4 ,put it any way you like1 ,i want to get the job done and get back to my dog4 ,he is faithful enough1 but ,i don't like to put too much strain on fidelity4 ,now1 as ,i get it1 you want this world peopled with rational beings that are all alike4 ,i am ready to make them1 only what kind do you want--something like yourself8 ,no6 no6 not like me1 for ,i am a weak and selfish fence-straddler4 ,moreover1 ,i am too modest to be used as a prototype for the members of a perfect world4 ,worse than that1 you are a ghost and immaterial and invisible to animal eyes4 ,if ,i filled the world with creatures like you1 the animals might walk right through them--,no1 we want material beings4 ,then materialize me1 cried the soul in sudden eagerness4 ,hold on1 if ,i materialize you in your present immaterial likeness1 then all the beings ,i am to make for this world would have to be like you or you would be the exception and spoil the equality4 ,that is so1 admitted the soul4 ,we are standing here talking like metaphysicians4 ,if there is anything ,i hate worse than philosophers1 it is metaphysicians which are philosophers bereft of what commonsense they did have4 ,i have made this world scientifically1 continued ,gud1 but the work you want done now is a work of art1 and ,i shall need a model4 ,since you refuse to be used as a model1 ,i will have to resort to an old trick of my profession4 ,gud paused significantly and walked over to a nearby pool of water that1 having sought its level in a quiet nook1 was very placid4 ,he bent over the pool for a moment and smiled in a pleased fashion at what he saw4 ,but the position was unpleasant and the ground at the edge of the pool was damp and stained his robe where it stretched over his knees4 ,so ,gud picked up the pool and propped it up against a rock in a nearly vertical position4 ,his reflection in the propped-up pool was still more pleasing and ,gud called the soul over to him3 ,i am going to use my reflection for a model1 said ,gud1 to fashion the creatures you want to people this world4 ,to try the idea out first1 ,i am going to re-do you in my own image4 ,the soul was mute with embarrassment and suffered ,gud to place it upon a hastily constructed easel4 ,then1 glancing at his own reflection in the propped-up pool1 ,gud1 with a few deft strokes1 redid the soul into an image of himself4 ,gud lifted the re-done soul down from the easel and set it over beside the propped-up pool1 and then stood back and looked at his own reflection and then at the soul which he had re-made in his own image3 and the only way he could tell them apart was by the background4 ,that's one of the best pieces of copying ,i ever did1 cried ,gud4 ,i am delighted with my craftsmanship4 ,but before ,i make the rest of the crowd1 ,i think we had better materialize ourselves1 otherwise there would not be equality in the world1 because we would be immaterial and hence be different from the others4 ,quite right1 you are1 comrade1 said the soul1 who was now the image of ,gud and so had to agree with him4 ,gud looked around for some clever trick by which he could make this materialization impressive--and the soul also looked around1 being ,gud's double and having identical thoughts4 ,when ,gud saw that his thoughts were the soul's thoughts1 he was annoyed1 because he saw he could not do anything now to astonish or impress the soul4 ,so ,gud decided to materialize without any hocus pocus1 and the soul thought what ,gud thought2 so they materialized themselves without more ado4 ,well1 said ,gud1 let's make the rest of us4 ,that's what ,i was thinking1 agreed the soul4 ,and shall we be savage or civilized8 ,civilized1 said the soul2 of course1 it will be a lot of bother to make all the appurtenances of civilization1 but one can't have equality as long as there is savagery and poverty in the world4 ,that's just what ,i was thinking1 agreed ,gud1 annoyed to find himself thinking the soul's thoughts4 ,so ,gud1 and his image that had been the soul1 made a world full of civilized beings and all the appurtenances of civilization1 and they did it very quickly1 for they were both impatient to find themselves thinking the other's thoughts1 and were desirous to get the job done and get away from that world and get back to the ,underdog4 ,and when they had done this thing they found themselves in a great convention hall that had arisen where the garden had been4 ,the hall was full of creatures made in the exact image of ,gud and in the image of the soul that ,gud had re-made in his own image4 ,as ,gud glanced around1 marveling at the myriads of creatures that were exactly alike1 he suddenly realized that he could no longer identify the soul for which he had done all this--and for a brief moment he was very much relieved for that particular creature had annoyed him grieviously4 ,but ,gud's relief was of short duration1 for it was dawning upon his consciousness that he had done a terrible thing1 because all these myriads of creatures about him looked just like himself4 ,and ,gud saw that he had no longer the one ,gud but one of a myriad of ,guds2 and that he had lost his distinction and position and superiority1 and all the other satisfying attributes that attach to the office and function of being ,gud4 ,how it would all have ended1 not even ,gud knew1 but just then they all saw a stream of smoke in one of the galleries and they all shouted3 ,fire4 ,there was a wild scramble4 ,and when the ,guds nearest the fire had stamped out the flames1 the real ,gud had been lost in the turmoil and confusion1 and did not know which one of the myriads of ,guds was himself and which were the other ,guds made in the image of himself4 ,it was very distressing4 ,for three days and seven nights ,gud went around that world of equality1 wondering who he was and whether he was ,gud or one of the imitation ,guds2 and all the imitation ,guds went around wondering whether they were ,gud or one of the imitation ,guds4 ,and then a joyful event happened6 ,the ,underdog had become worried over his master's long absence and had trailed him with his unerring canine scent4 ,coming into the confusion of this world of equality1 the ,underdog walked right up to the honest-to-,god ,gud1 leaped up and sat himself upon his own true master's shoulder and barked with delight1 and licked the cheek of his master4 ,when he saw the action of his dog1 ,gud knew again for a surety that he was himself4 ,with a mighty cry of deliverance from this torture and terror of pure democracy and achieved equality1 ,gud called down lightning from on high and earthquakes from below and winds from abroad and floods from the seas1 and destroyed the world of equality once and for all and forever1 and all that was therein contained1 and all the myriads of fraudulent ,guds he had so foolishly made in his own image to please the longing for equality in the soul of the parlor sociologist1 and thereby stop its wailing4 ,and when the fire and flood and the winds and the earthquakes had done their work with neatness and dispatch1 ,gud and the ,underdog went on their way rejoicing1 and ,gud made three cats for the ,underdog to chase4 ,they were all alike because they were copycats1 and the ,underdog would chase one and then the other and then all three at once4 ,gud sat down and laughed at the troubles of the ,underdog1 because the poor beast1 despite his canine instinct1 could not tell one cat from the other two1 and could not catch any of them because they were always crossing each other's paths1 so that the ,underdog would chase the others and give the one a chance to rest4 ,but being cats1 they were not friendly1 even though they were copycats2 and finally they ran into each other and began to fight among themselves and to chase each other around in a circle4 ,now the ,underdog was wise1 and he stopped running and sat down on the edge of the circle and got the one and then the other1 which left only the third4 ,then ,gud called off his dog1 and also called up the last copycat for a bowl of cream2 and the ,underdog and the copycat drank cream together out of the same bowl4 ,which proves1 dear children1 the importance of a good example and demonstrates the power of kindness4 ,so ,gud1 and the ,underdog1 and the copycat all started walking along the ,impossible ,curve1 all of them wondering what the next adventure would be4 ,but ,i think we had better go to bed1 for too much of this kind of stuff is likely to make us talk indiscreetly in our sleep4 ,chapter ,,xv ,a great storm of the far-flung astronomical elements arose without cause4 ,the like of it had never been before nor since and it disobeyed all laws1 both known and unknown1 natural and unnatural4 ,gud was sore puzzled because the storm was without cause but not without effect4 ,he ran hither and here and darted thither and yon1 and in the turmoil he was separated from ,fidu1 his faithful ,underdog4 ,the impalpable ether that fills all space became palpable and vibrated and palpated with incommensurate waves2 and the non-popitent nether which is beyond all space became popitent and gyrated and popitated with calculatious ostenulations4 ,throughout the abysmal reaches of indefinite dimension the far-flung1 flaming suns were exploding with blinding flashes and deafening roars1 and their molten fragments were spewing and spilling this way and that1 knocking constellations asunder and painting cold1 dead worlds with liquid fire and blazing splendor4 ,comets fell1 dragging their tails behind them1 twisting and writhing as if in pain4 ,and the stars were falling1 too4 ,meteors pattered as rain upon the roof of heaven4 ,broken nebulae whipped along as snow-flakes driven of the northwest wind4 ,pleiades smashed like hail through the windows of space4 ,vile smelling gasses blew about all the interstellar void and vastness4 ,tornadoes and mighty cyclones and vortices torned and cycled vorted4 ,all this frightened ,gud1 so that he sought for shelter from the storm4 ,just then a little world came rolling by1 and it wabbled as it rolled4 ,it did not look very safe1 but it was solid underfoot4 ,gud boarded it and found himself before a tiny cabin on the wabbling world4 ,the cabin was built of old cracker boxes and looked frail as a ten-cent toy2 but there was no other cover at hand1 so ,gud knocked on the cabin door to ask for shelter4 ,when no one answered1 ,gud entered and closed the door behind him4 ,there before him sat a dear little widow knitting a bellyband for someone else's baby4 ,she was so deaf she could not hear quinine1 and so blind she could not see a house afire1 and had catarrah so badly that she could not smell a herring2 but for all that she was a very good cook4 ,gud addressed her in telepathy1 saying3 ,i wonder if you would make me a cake8 ,and the woman replied by thought transference and answered3 ,alas1 ,i cannot make you a cake today1 for ,i have but one hen and she has already laid her one egg this morning1 and ,i have eaten it for my breakfast4 ,then ,gud said3 ,if you will show me the hen1 perhaps ,i can persuade her to lay another egg4 ,so the woman called to the hen in the language of beasts and birds1 and the hen came out from under the bed where she had been looking for insects4 ,gud saw that the hen had false teeth and was getting old1 for her comb was pale as roses in the night4 ,so he flattered the vanity of the hen by commenting on the beauty of her scarlet comb4 ,whereupon she laid another egg1 whilst without the cottage the astronomical storm raged on4 ,the widow picked up the egg and found that it was as fresh as home grown lettuce4 ,she made a curtsy to ,gud and said3 ,i perceive that you are a wise magician1 for who ever heard of a stupid one that could make a hen lay two fresh eggs in one day8 ,and now ,i will make a little cake1 which will be big enough for one to eat4 ,make it for two1 said ,gud1 for ,i would not like to eat alone4 ,but1 said the widow1 how can ,i unless ,i have another egg1 and the hen has already laid two eggs in one day4 ,how can she lay another8 ,i do not know1 said ,gud1 but ,i will find out4 ,so he called to the little hen again and gave her a homily on the evils of race suicide4 ,the hen became as moral as a tombstone and grievously wrought up over the way her sisters were neglecting their duty1 so that she laid yet another egg4 ,the widow picked up this egg and shook it also1 and saw that it was even fresher than the other one1 and she made another curtsy to ,gud and said3 ,i perceive that you are a great fakir1 but you are very clever1 and so ,i will make a cake for two and we shall eat it together1 and perhaps have a cup of tea1 if there is any sugar in the house4 ,at last the cake was put into the oven4 ,the fire of the oven waxed hot and the cake began to rise nicely4 ,and when it had risen above the top of the pan and almost to the top of the oven1 the dear little widow opened the oven door ever so softly4 ,as she peeked in1 a nearby constellation broke asunder2 the crash of the breaking shook the wobbling world like a great earthquake1 the cottage jarred as with a blow from the hand of wrath1 and the cake fell and was ruined utterly4 ,then the dear little widow began to weep because her cake had fallen1 and she was very angry through her tears and said3 ,what is the matter and what happened and what ruined my cake8 ,i fear me1 it is the storm outside1 replied ,gud4 ,then ,i think you ought to go out and stop it4 ,i will1 agreed ,gud4 ,and he went out and stopped the storm1 and while he was out he destroyed the major portion of the local law of gravitation4 ,when he came back into the cottage1 the moral little hen was all a-cackling and the dear little widow was all a-smiling1 for behold1 the hen was looking at the widow1 who in her hand held the lightest cake she had ever lifted4 ,after he had had his cake and eaten it1 too1 ,gud returned to the ,impossible ,curve1 and as he reached it1 ,fidu came romping forth to meet him4 ,chapter ,,xvi ,as ,gud passed on along the way he saw a white-haired man sitting in a window of the sky and writing with a tattered goose quill pen1 which he dipped into a pool of blood4 ,he was a sad old man with gloomy eye1 ,who wrote with slow and studied inference1 ,heaving the while some long and doleful sigh1 ,or staring about with bored indifference4 ,around his body there were ragged clothes ,as hung upon a scarecrow in the corn1 ,and on his coat was pinned a withered rose1 ,from which he slowly plucked each barbed thorn4 ,gud stopped upon his way and questioned him4 ,i am a lonely soul1 the old man said1 ,within this rose ,i find that life is grim1 ,without its thorns1 why even beauty's dead6 ,gud wondered1 yet it would not be polite ,to break the old man's tale of woe4 ,i'd like to know1 the ancient said1 the candle-light-- ,when we have blown it out where does it go8 ,i do not know1 said ,gud1 do you8 ,ah yes1 replied the old man1 ,i know very well1 ,for ,i remember as if it were but yesterday how ,half dead and famished1 the desert in my eyes ,and hunger written on my lips ,i stood there like a captain on a hill ,dreaming of his broken ships4 ,i kicked aside a stone that crushed a skull2 ,when from that mouth that mouldered there1 ,there came as if it were the voice of doom1 ,a haunting cry that chilled the air4 ,then suddenly ,i laughed and turned my heel ,in that dead face2 and laughing still ,i danced along the sands1 played hide and seek ,and chased my shadow up a hill4 ,and when the old man had done with these foolish words he suddenly seized the rose upon his coat and tore it off and cast it from him4 ,then he picked up his tattered goose quill pen and dipped it in a pool and began to write furiously4 ,when the old man paused and stared up vacantly1 ,gud spoke to him and asked3 ,what are you writing8 ,thereupon the old man made answer and said to ,gud3 ,i am writing a cook book for cannibals4 ,being a vegetarian in theory if not in practice1 ,gud was not interested1 and he passed on1 walking rapidly1 so that he presently overtook a man who was following stealthily after yet another man4 ,he who followed stooped frequently and1 with a two-pronged instrument1 picked up objects from the pavement4 ,these he cast into a brazier that he carried1 wherein that which he picked up sizzled and burned and made a stench in its burning4 ,gud wot not what the man did and would know1 so he plucked at the sleeve of yet another citizen of that place and asked of him3 ,who be these two1 the one that walks alone with his face aloft1 and the other that follows after1 stooping and searching for filth8 ,said the citizen3 ,these be our ,genius and our ,critic4 ,and what do they8 asked ,gud4 ,to this the citizen replied3 ,the ,genius talks words1 and the ,critic follows after1 and1 as the words fall from the lips of ,genius1 the ,critic picks them up with the tongs of contempt and burns them in the brazier of public opinion4 ,but why1 asked ,gud1 do the words of the ,genius make a stench in their burning8 ,because1 said the citizen1 they are vile4 ,gud doubted that which the citizen told him1 and he quickened his steps and made bold to pass close to the ,critic4 ,whereupon ,gud1 who could see all things1 saw that the words of the ,genius which the ,critic picked up were not vile but beautiful2 and that1 when the ,critic made a pass toward the brazier1 he put the word not therein but dropped it instead into a wallet which he carried beneath his mantle4 ,gud was angered and he grasped the fellow by his egotism and shook him until his conceit rattled and made inferential allegations of hypocrisy4 ,what is it to you1 demanded the ,critic1 if ,i spit into the brazier to make a stench to please the people8 ,but what do you with the words of ,genius8 ,by the holy name of ,public ,opinion6 ,why should a man do the work of a street cleaner on the salary of a critic8 ,i have been a public official myself1 replied ,gud sympathetically1 and ,i know how ill such service is paid4 ,this pleased the ,critic and he turned and looked into ,gud's face and saw there the satisfied look of self-sufficient authority which he recognized as akin to his own4 ,plucking confidentially at ,gud's sleeve he said3 ,as you appreciate that ,i must live by subtle ways1 then perhaps ,i can interest you in a few choice verbal gems4 ,gud realized that purchasing these words was probably illegal in this world4 ,but it wasn't his world1 so he said3 ,i should like to look at them4 ,the ,critic led ,gud into the rear room of a perfectly respectable place and opened up his wallet4 ,here1 in a secluded corner1 he emptied the contents upon a table4 ,gud began fingering over the verbal gems4 ,look at this1 the ,critic cried1 picking up a brilliant one4 ,too scintillating for the quiet setting ,i have in mind1 replied ,gud4 ,then after examining a few more1 he asked3 ,what will you take for the lot8 ,my price for the lot1 said the ,critic1 is the gift of power to speak myself such words of genius as ,i have been defaming to please the people1 for ,i am weary of being a mere word picker and moral scavenger4 ,gud answered3 ,i can give a ,critic the power to walk down the street and spill words but ,i can not make a ,genius pick them up4 ,sold6 said the ,critic1 pushing the verbal gems across the table--and immediately he began to babble words4 ,but ,gud noted that they were only words of great talent4 ,as he looked over the verbal gems he had purchased1 ,gud decided that he had no use for them1 and so he called to the departing ,critic3 ,where can ,i sell these words8 ,go to ,hell1 shouted the ,critic over his shoulder4 ,so ,gud went to ,hell1 and reaching the gate thereof he knocked and cried3 ,is this the place where one brings the words of ,genius8 ,as ,gud knew all things he knew the answer to his question before he asked it1 but he thought it best to ask anyway in order to verify his omniscience4 ,in this case it was wrong4 ,no1 said the gate keeper1 and he gave ,gud the correct address4 ,the way took ,gud past seven more hells1 for the people of this sphere1 being a righteous people1 were amply helled4 ,reaching at last the bottom-most vault beneath the deepest hell1 ,gud came upon a junk shop4 ,as he entered1 the proprietor1 who looked both old and young1 asked2 ,comest thou to buy or to sell8 ,i have a few words which ,i might sell1 said ,gud4 ,i am not much interested in words1 replied the proprietor1 who looked both old and young1 for ,i am a dealer in sin1 and the sinfulness of words is much over-rated4 ,but the words ,i have are the words of ,genius4 ,is the genius dead8 asked the dealer4 ,not yet1 but he is being hounded by a critic4 ,i'll take them in trade1 suggested the dealer4 ,what do you offer8 asked ,gud4 ,anything you wish4 ,i have a very complete catalog on crimes4 ,i am interested in sin in a sort of professional way1 admitted ,gud1 let me see your goods4 ,very graciously the dealer escorted ,gud through the chambers where his stock of sins was stored4 ,it was a magnificent collection4 ,there were huge piles of thefts of property and of honor and virtue and of good name1 and great bales of untold lies4 ,there were infinite infidelities and even a greater number of credulities4 ,there were a few ragged ends not justified by the means1 and many tyrannical prohibitions and faded blue laws1 and a carefully locked cabinet1 labeled ,old ,maids' ,wishes4 ,there were easy sins for beginners and more difficult sins for hardened criminals4 ,there were sins with which children might please their fathers and sins for fathers to visit upon their children and their children's children4 ,there were sins against men which are often forgiven and sins against women which are never forgiven4 ,there were sins for the rich and sins for the poor1 and a few rare sins suitable for both4 ,the old dealer sighed as they passed the murder counter4 ,some of this stock moves very slowly1 he confessed4 ,indeed it keeps me busy now-a-days finding enough fresh stock to supply the demand4 ,gud was a little puzzled over the nature of this business4 ,your trade1 he remarked1 is1 ,i suppose1 with the inhabitants of these neighboring hells1 supplying them with new kinds of sins8 ,no indeed1 replied the dealer1 who seemed a little insulted4 ,the dwellers in hells are fed up on sin4 ,i never deal with branded sinners4 ,i cater only to the best of righteous trade4 ,oh1 ,i see1 you bootleg sin in the heavens4 ,no1 no1 ,i trade with mortals1 and ,i sell only to the conscientious and the righteous4 ,and yet1 you are stocked with every sin in the calendar2 where is the value to the righteous in such stock8 ,merely a matter of time and place1 explained the dealer1 and the prevailing ethical ideas of my clients4 ,you see my business is to buy up the moral offal of one place or time and sell it at another time or place when or where it has high value as virtue4 ,do you sell for cash or credit8 ,as ,i do not deal with hardened sinners who would admit the value of my wares1 but only with the righteous1 ,i dare not give credit4 ,but as for cash1 that is not practical either1 as there can be no universal medium of exchange between people whose fundamental ideas of morality differ--so ,i am obliged to trade by barter4 ,that must be troublesome4 ,yes1 agreed the dealer1 relative values differ so--in some spheres a murder is considered more than equal to a life time of dishonesty--in other realms murder is considered an equitable payment for the mere accusation of untruthfulness4 ,but the exchange values of different kinds of thefts bother me most1 they are so illogical4 ,i have one group of clients who place a value on thievery in an inverse ratio to the size of the theft4 ,only last week one of them who had robbed a nation swept by winter winds of all its fuel resources wished to exchange his deed for the idea of pilfering a lock of hair from the head of his neighbor's wife4 ,indeed the difficulty of finding a logical ratio between the immoral value of a theft and the value of the property stolen is one of the most baffling problems in the mathematics of sin4 ,a very interesting business you have1 commented ,gud1 and pray1 how came you to be in it8 ,it was my father's idea1 for he was a great student of morals1 and noting how they changed from age to age1 he saw that if the discarded crimes and abominations of one time or place could be transplanted to other times and places1 they would have great value as virtues4 ,it was only necessary to achieve immortality to make the venture practical4 ,my father did not achieve that for himself1 as his arteries had started to calcify before he discovered the immortality vitamin4 ,but ,i fell heir to his efforts and ideas1 and ,i have little fault to find with the outcome4 ,but of late business has not been so good4 ,there is too much intercommunication3 the moral values of murders1 for instance1 were once the main profit of the house1 and we could not get enough to satisfy the various moral ends for which murder was justified4 ,but now times have changed and privately initiated murder hardly classes as moral anywhere4 ,then why do you not quit retailing1 and trade in wholesale murders8 ,the dealer shook his head sadly4 ,impractical1 he sighed4 ,i can not deal with states1 since being without conscience they have no awareness of sin1 no sense of repentance and hence have nothing to offer in exchange4 ,in payment for the words of genius1 which he left with the dealer1 ,gud selected a little sin that he had been wishing to commit all his life1 and so he departed greatly pleased with his possession4 ,chapter ,,xvii ,as ,gud was passing up through hell he saw two souls which were not being properly punished1 but were strolling about as trusties of the place4 ,gud approached them and asked3 ,why are you two not being properly punished8 ,the first soul made answer and said to ,gud3 ,we need none of these grosser punishments such as increased temperature and breathing ,,so#b1 which the ancients1 who imagined hell1 were able1 in the limits of their scientific knowledge1 to imagine4 ,the reason that we need no such crude material punishments is because our spiritual suffering is quite enough4 ,and ,gud saw that the soul spake the truth1 for the face of both of these trusty souls were lined with seamy sorrow4 ,as ,gud looked upon their sufferings he wondered why it was they suffered so1 and he asked3 ,in what did you two sin one by one that you should be punished two by two8 ,and the second suffering soul replied1 ,i sinned because ,i believed too vehemently that there was no god1 and my companion here1 because he believed over confidently that there was a god4 ,but is it not strange1 asked ,gud1 that you two1 who held such opposite doctrines1 should now suffer similar punishment8 ,how do you explain that8 ,the first soul now took up the conversation with his mouth and made answer in this wise3 ,we suffer now with equal suffering1 ,i because1 believing that there was no god1 found1 when ,i died1 that there was one1 and he sent me to hell4 ,but my companion here1 who believed that there was a god1 found when he died that there was none2 and so he came to hell also1 as there was no place else for him to go4 ,for a moment ,gud looked upon these suffering souls with puzzlement and wonder1 and then suddenly he began to laugh4 ,why do you laugh at our sufferings8 demanded the souls angrily4 ,i am laughing at you two1 said ,gud1 because when you died you both came to hell--whereas if neither of you had believed in immortality you would not have needed to have gone anywhere4 ,as ,gud was passing through a dismal swamp1 he came to a certain cypress tree and sat down on a knee thereof4 ,and presently she came also and sat down upon the other knee of the cypress tree1 and they talked about the meeting of parallel lines4 ,but they could not agree so ,gud proposed that they cut their initials on the bark of the cypress tree4 ,they did so1 after which they parted4 ,and ,gud went on his way and so did she4 ,but when ,gud had vanished into the depths of the dismal swamp1 she turned and went back to the cypress tree and looked at the initials that they had carved thereon4 ,taking the knife that ,gud had left sticking in the tree1 she carved a word below the initials4 ,having finished the carving1 she looked up into the branches above her and behold the foliage of the tree had withered4 ,then she repented for what she had done1 and in great haste1 took the knife and carved yet another word4 ,whereupon the tree put out fresh buds and grew again--for such is the power of words for good or evil4 ,and she smiled contentedly1 for hers was the last word4 ,chapter ,,xviii ,lo1 the north wind trembled and the sea of sorrow froze into beauteous frost forms that shimmered all lacy and green like ferns waving in an ancient breeze4 ,and frozen frogs came out of the frost ferns1 croaking and bellowing like mad1 green bulls4 ,the ,underdog whimpered because he was afraid4 ,so ,gud bade the frogs be quiet1 and they were quiet with a great quietude1 and peace reigned for a spell or two4 ,after which ,gud traveled on until he met a rich merchant who was riding across an ice floe on a camel that was gaily caparisoned and had trappings of gold and was shod with silver shoes4 ,and the rich merchant hailed ,gud and said3 ,whither goest thou on this sleek1 icy desert8 ,and ,gud said3 ,i go my way rejoicing4 ,but why is your eye so troubled8 ,the merchant replied3 ,i go in search of a strawstack4 ,when his master said that1 the camel stomped on the ice with his silver shod foot and cut a round hole in the ice and kneeled down and drank his fill of ice water4 ,while the camel was kneeling1 the rich merchant invited ,gud to mount upon the camel4 ,gud did so and the camel arose and lumbered on his slippery way4 ,the merchant and ,gud sat in the howdah and smoked a hooka and told tales of barter and of gain4 ,this is one of the tales they told1 and it matters not which one told it1 for it is a lie anyway4 ,chapter ,,xix ,it was a great occasion--every seat ,was filled and jewels sparkled rich and bright-- ,one almost heard each throbbing heart that beat ,as the orchestra filed in that gala night4 ,the music flared in one triumphal blast1 ,the leader swung his baton3 the curtain rose3 ,then the soprano sang of bright skies overcast1 ,and silence fell upon the watching rows4 ,just at that moment1 some one in the crowd ,saw wisps of black smoke curl around a board4 ,he shouted fire6 ,it was as though a shroud ,was flung around them by a righteous ,lord4 ,the crowd surged forth like streams that over-flow-- ,and ran amuck1 insane with fear and rage4444 ,just then an unknown player of the piccolo ,upclambered o'er the footlights to the stage3 ,hold6 ,hold6 he cried1 and waved his piccolo2 ,be calm6 ,there is no danger1 if you're quiet6 ,then through the ,opera ,house there echoed low ,such music as would calm the greatest riot4 ,they faltered1 then they heeded his desire1 ,then paused to hearken with suspended breath1 ,and spellbound listened through that awful fire ,till every one of them was burned to death4 ,chapter ,,xx ,and now the rich merchant pointed out upon the horizon a small speck which was no larger than a woman's honesty4 ,as the camel journeyed on toward the horizon the speck grew in size until it was as large as the hope of inheritance4 ,and when they finally came up to it1 behold it was a strawstack6 ,the camel started to eat the straw1 but the merchant jumped down and belabored the beast over the head with a marlin pin--whatever that is--and cried3 ,cease1 thou gluttonous1 stupid beast2 knowest thou not that thou wilt impale thy parched throat8 ,why belaborest thou the camel8 asked ,gud1 solicitously4 ,because1 there is a needle in this strawstack1 and ,i came from the four corners of the earth to find it4 ,do you think ,i am going to let this fool beast devour it8 ,so ,gud offered to hold the camel's halter while the rich merchant searched the strawstack for the needle4 ,after the merchant had looked in all the straws but one he gave up in despair1 for he had not found the needle4 ,perseverance1 dear1 my lord1 keeps honor bright1 quoth ,gud4 ,greatly encouraged1 the rich merchant looked into the last straw and found the needle4 ,in glee he shouted and held up the needle in one hand and the last straw in the other4 ,i perceive1 said ,gud1 that you are a prince of industry4 ,but you are also in a dilemma4 ,if you try the last straw first and break the camel's back1 then how can the poor beast go through the eye of the needle8 ,chapter ,,xxi ,who was that fellow1 asked ,fidu1 who passed me just now with such a wild1 wild look in his eye8 ,that fellow1 replied ,gud1 was an author who just spent a week-end with me4 ,and what did you do to him8 asked ,fidu4 ,he was as crazy as the nebular hypothesis4 ,upon his request ,i criticized his book1 which he insisted on reading to me4 ,but what did you say about it8 demanded ,fidu1 he looked as locoed as a lop-eared logarithm4 ,i made several criticisms4 ,i told him that his plot was choppy1 and that most of it was stale2 that the work lacked sadly in originality and there was considerable repetition4 ,i said it was very melodramatic in spots and that it had entirely too many murders1 and that many of the biggest murderers seemed to escape without punishment4 ,i also told him that it was full of sordid realism and most unhappy endings1 that it was overloaded with action1 and worst of all1 it utterly lacked any evidence of a distinct moral purpose4 ,well no wonder1 said ,fidu1 that the poor fellow was raving2 you made1 if ,i may say so1 quite a severe criticism4 ,i grant that1 but his book deserved it--everything ,i said about it was absolutely true4 ,what did he call his book8 asked ,fidu4 ,he called it1 replied ,gud1 ',an ,outline of ,history4' ,chapter ,,xxii ,presently ,gud ran dead against an ivory wall2 but being versed in aviation1 he flew over it4 ,having done so he went on walking4 ,gud perceived that he was walking in a kingdom1 and he walked warily1 for he was doubtful whether monarchy was an ideal form of government4 ,his doubts increased as he noted the subjects of the kingdom1 for they appeared to be full of guile4 ,so when he became tired and sleepy1 he durst not enter into an abode1 but lay down beneath a friendly tree and fell asleep4 ,when ,gud awoke he found that his sandals had been stolen from off his feet4 ,this made him very sorrowful1 for his sandals had been well broken to fit his own feet but he was worried lest they might hurt the feet of the thief4 ,so he made a hue and cry4 ,when a subject of the kingdom appeared1 ,gud demanded to be taken at once to the king4 ,the king1 being self-made1 was not very wise and did not perceive that ,gud was his equal2 therefore ,gud was obliged to kneel on the little mat that the king kept before his throne so that visitors would not bruise their knees on the agate floor4 ,when ,gud had done kneeling and salaaming1 the king offered him a cigarette and selected a cigar for himself4 ,then he asked how the crops were where ,gud came from4 ,they are very good1 said ,gud1 but the morals in your kingdom are not4 ,to ,gud's astonishment1 the king replied meekly3 ,i know it4 ,gud now related to the king how the very sandals had been stolen from off his feet as he slept beneath the tree4 ,oh1 wise stranger1 cried the king1 it grieves me much to have you1 who come from a distant realm1 discover that ,i have thus failed in the first duty of government which is the protection of property4 ,therefore let me make restitution for the injury done you in my kingdom4 ,the king now sent a lackey to his treasure vault1 and he fetched ,gud a pair of jeweled sandals which fitted his feet perfectly4 ,gud's grief being assuaged and his anger abated1 he was genuinely sorry for this stupid king1 and said to him3 ,i have knocked about a bit and picked up a few ideas in practical politics1 so perhaps ,i can help you4 ,it is my shame and sorrow1 confessed the king1 to admit to you that ,i rule over a realm of thieves4 ,we were formerly proud of our talents in that direction1 for at one time this kingdom was surrounded by rich neighbors and our prosperity was based on the capturing of bounteous booty from our enemies4 ,alas1 our enemies combined and built a great ivory wall and walled us in4 ,and now my people steal from each other4 ,i have issued countless edicts against stealing1 and even crucified a few thieves1 but it avails me nothing4 ,my people steal and are proud of it4 ,yet there is honor among my thieves4 ,they are at heart law-abiding and truth-telling citizens4 ,how do you know they are8 asked ,gud4 ,i know1 because ,i had a census taken in which ,i asked each and every one if he were a thief1 and all the thieves answered most truthfully that they were thieves4 ,how do you know they answered truthfully8 questioned ,gud1 as he flecked his ash4 ,and if they are thieves1 how can they be law-abiding citizens8 ,that explanation is easy4 ,you see1 my people do not consider my edicts against stealing as law because they maintain that it conflicts with their established habits4 ,did you say all of your citizens were thieves8 ,no1 not all2 sixty per cent41 to be specific4 ,if you do not understand percentage1 that means that there are three thieves for every two honest men4 ,when the king said this ,gud's eyes brightened and a satisfied smile beamed on his courtly countenance4 ,the trouble1 said he1 is that your system of government is wrong4 ,what8 exclaimed the king4 ,i am the government4 ,am ,i wrong8 ,yes1 you should have another government4 ,you mean that ,i should hire an assassin to kill me1 so that my son should be the government8 ,no1 replied ,gud1 ,i mean that you should have a different form of government4 ,i never heard of a different form of government6 declared the king1 throwing his cigar on the rug in his excitement4 ,then ,i will explain it to you4 ,what you need is a democracy4 ,your people want it for they have an innate sense of it already4 ,they believe in the majority rule4 ,because the majority of them are thieves they want stealing legalized4 ,in fact1 to make law against stealing is1 under the circumstances1 very demoralizing1 for it breeds contempt for law4 ,by my crown6 exclaimed the king1 slapping his knee4 ,you are right4 ,if you will just show me how1 we will make this democracy4 ,so ,gud showed the king how to write a declaration of independence and frame a democratic constitution1 and then they staged abdication and the king placed his crown in the historical museum4 ,when the king had done that1 ,gud said3 ,now have a bill passed making stealing legal so that the law will agree with the habits and customs of the majority4 ,when the king had done that also ,gud said3 ,you are more popular than ever1 so start a secret society to be called ',the ,ancient ,order of ,honest ,thieves4' ,write the constitution and by-laws yourself and make every citizen of your democracy eligible to membership1 providing he can show proof that he has stolen something2 but make it a first principle of honor that a thief shall not steal from a fellow thief4 ,the king was delighted1 and straightway did all which ,gud demanded4 ,the society was so popular that not only the thieves joined1 but the honest men became thieves and joined also4 ,everything went well until all the citizens of the democracy but one had become members of the ,ancient ,order of ,honest ,thieves4 ,everything that this man had possessed had been stolen1 and he was naked and hungry1 so finally he decided to join the society4 ,there being no one else left to steal from1 the last honest man stole the jeweled slippers that the king had given unto ,gud4 ,at this ,gud became so angry that he declared himself emperor1 and hanged the king on a rainy day4 ,chapter ,,xxiii ,when ,gud came upon the stupid girl she was sitting under an apple tree and weeping bitterly4 ,why do you weep8 asked ,gud4 ,i weep1 replied the girl1 because ,i am in disgrace4 ,oh1 ,i see1 you are a fallen woman4 ,why don't you commit suicide8 ,but ,i am too young to die1 moaned the girl1 and besides ,i haven't fallen yet4 ,i am weeping because they tell me ,i am immodest4 ,but why do they say you are immodest8 asked ,gud1 as he picked up a green apple and tasted it to see if it were ripe4 ,because1 explained the girl1 ,i made me a bathing pettitcoat and went bathing in the pool4 ,someone had told me how to make it and how to sew lead sinkers in the hem of it4 ,but ,i could only remember that it was something about fishing tackle1 and ,i sewed corks in the hem instead of sinkers1 and so when ,i went bathing1 the skirt floated on the top of the water4 ,gud stroked his beard thoughtfully4 ,i can put out the eyes of the fishes1 he suggested4 ,but they would still remember4 ,i can kill the fishes1 offered ,gud4 ,but the fishes might have souls1 and besides1 it wasn't so much what the fishes saw or even what the people thought the fishes saw4 ,what was it8 asked ,gud4 ,the trouble was that my bathing suit was not in style4 ,oh1 if that is all ,i will change the style4444 ,there1 go to the drug store and watch the clerks marking up the price of corks4 ,wonderful1 cried the girl1 me to be the leader of styles--,but ,i wore this week's styles last week--they will say ,i was too forward and therefore immodest4 ,gud reached in a pocket of his robe and took out a patent calendar4 ,this he turned back two weeks4 ,you should worry1 he said1 ,i have made it week before last4 ,you did not appear in the new-style bathing suit until next week4 ,does that fix everything8 ,y-e-s1 stuttered the girl doubtfully4 ,but what about the fishes8 ,i turned them back too1 explained ,gud4 ,but in all fairness1 ,i ought to warn you about the lobsters4 ,you see they go backwards naturally1 and when ,i reversed the order of things just now ,i noticed that the lobsters went ahead two weeks--it is all a matter of relativity1 you see4 ,no1 ,i don't see1 blubbered the girl1 for ,i am very stupid1 and she began to weep again4 ,why are you weeping again8 demanded ,gud4 ,because ,i failed in my examination4 ,i got everything wrong-wise and upse-turvy4 ,don't worry1 said ,gud1 ,i have changed all things1 so that what you answered in your examination is the truth and has always been the truth and all contrary belief are false and always have been false4 ,thank you so kindly1 smiled the girl1 but there is just one thing more4 ,i can't understand the difference between an equilateral triangle and an isosceles triangle--and ,i just hate all triangles4 ,forget them1 consoled ,gud1 for ,i have destroyed all triangles4 ,just then the girl noticed in alarm that the apples which had been on the ground were dropping up and alighting on the tree4 ,be not alarmed1 said ,gud1 ,i only changed the law of gravitation as it applies to apples4 ,and now they saw a procession coming through the orchard headed by the ,president of the ,academy to proclaim the stupid girl as a virgin prophetess who had revealed to that world many great truths that had been hidden from the minds of the old masters4 ,and when the old masters saw the apples that lay about the girl dropping up1 one by one1 to the tree above her1 they became filled with holy zeal and abject worship and bowed down humbly before her and cried3 ,hail1 hail1 prophetess1 for the end of the world cometh1 and thou1 in thy holy wisdom1 must tell us what we should do to be saved4 ,oh1 forget it till next week1 said the girl1 and then you will see me in my new-style bathing suit4 ,and ,gud departed from that place in great sorrow1 for once again he saw a world confounded and worshiping a fool4 ,chapter ,,xxiv ,about a decade later1 ,fidu came running up to ,gud4 ,for a moment he was too excited to speak and could only bark1 but when he again found his articulation the ,underdog said3 ,oh master1 come quick1 for there is a poor beggar sitting over there on the steps of the almshouse and holding out his hat for alms2 but few give to him and he is weak and starving4 ,gud followed ,fidu and came to the beggar who was poor and wretched indeed4 ,and ,gud said to him3 ,i will not reveal my lack of intelligence by dropping coins into your hat1 for ,i know as well as you do that indiscriminate charity does not alleviate poverty4 ,so throw your coppers into the gutter and put your hat on your head1 while we discuss the cause of your impecunity4 ,the beggar discarded his few coins and placed his hat on his head4 ,now1 began ,gud1 let us consider your situation intelligently4 ,there is usually some relation between cause and effect4 ,the effect in your case is poverty complicated by charity4 ,i could destroy the effect by a miracle and make you rich1 but ,i have tried tampering with the law of cause and effect1 and ,i find it dangerous business4 ,it is best to change the cause and let the law change the effect4 ,quite right you are1 kind sir1 agreed the beggar4 ,what was the cause of your poverty8 asked ,gud4 ,was it indolence1 or drink1 or-- ,no1 no1 interrupted the beggar1 none of those common things4 ,my poverty was caused by the ruin of my profession4 ,what was your profession8 demanded ,gud4 ,the beggar straightened up as proudly as he could and said3 ,i was a novelist6 ,yes1 said ,gud1 ,go on4 ,and my profession has been blasted and ruined utterly4 ,and how did that happen8 ,i do not know how it happened1 replied the beggar1 a baffled look coming into his eyes2 worse yet not even the critics know--but it happened--it happened--the impossible happened4 ,come1 come1 called ,gud1 shaking him by the shoulder1 you are babbling1 speak up1 what happened8 ,the beggar looked up at ,gud1 a glint of horror in his eyes1 and murmured slowly3 ,someone destroyed the eternal triangle4444 ,there can never be any more novels1 444 nor plays 444 nor movies 444 nor realism 444 nor romance 444 nor royalties 444 nor dinners at the ,alhambra with ,gwendolyn 444 nor4444 ,please sir1 just a copper1 ,i am old and lame4 ,cheer up1 encouraged ,gud1 ,i feel it my duty to help you4 ,was this triangle that seemed to have been the life of your business equilateral or isosceles8 ,neither1 replied the beggar1 now with the bearing of a true novelist1 it was the eternal triangle which is a plot of a certain very literary relation of the sexes1 in which three individuals form the angles4 ,why just three8 asked ,gud4 ,it seems that three sell best1 said the novelist4 ,two do not interest the reader1 and four1 five or more tire him2 three characters sell best1 which is why such a triangle is called eternal4 ,i understand that three elements make the best triangle--and one shouldn't fool too much with mathematics4 ,but what about these sexes8 ,it makes no difference1 replied the beggar1 how the sexes are arranged1 just so both sexes are represented on the triangle4 ,both sexes1 repeated ,gud--then you only have two sexes8 ,certainly1 three characters of two sexes form the eternal triangle1 any way you arrange them2 isn't that perfectly simple8 ,it is simple1 more simple than perfect4 ,now1 pick up the coins you cast into the gutter and buy yourself a pencil and a pad and start to work4 ,you will find eternal triangles have become as plentiful as lies1 and what is more important1 perfectly moral4 ,you speak1 replied the novelist1 with authority1 and my understanding will come1 no doubt1 with inspiration4 ,i thank you sir1 especially for your hopeful words about the possibilities of fiction becoming moral4 ,you can not realize how the necessity of dealing with immorality wears on the conscience of a novelist2 nor how those hypocritical critics revile us by insinuating that we write of immorality because we live it4 ,we write of it1 sir1 because the editors and the public demand it1 and for no other reason4 ,if immorality in fiction were not profitable we would not write at all4 ,again ,i thank you sir1 and good day to you4 ,chapter ,,xxv ,as ,gud and the ,underdog walked on their way1 they passed through a dark valley where they could hardly see in the murkiness to keep their feet on the ,impossible ,curve1 and so they proceeded slowly with eyes and ears alert4 ,presently ,fidu stopped and cocked his ear1 for his sense of hearing was more acute than his master's4 ,when ,gud refused to stop1 ,fidu ran on for a time1 and then he stopped again and listened1 and this time ,gud stopped and listened also1 whereupon he heard from afar1 the sound as of a heavy clanking chain4 ,as they traveled on again the sound grew louder and was mingled with mumbling and smothered curses4 ,it was ,fidu1 as usual1 who ran ahead and found the object from whence came the mumblings of smothered curses4 ,when ,gud drew near he saw a poor being chained to a great rock4 ,gud tapped the rock with his staff and discovered from its adamantine nature that it was the ,rock of ,conservatism4 ,but he could not identify the being who was so securely chained1 thereto4 ,who are you1 demanded ,gud1 and why are you chained up here in this brutal fashion8 ,the being only answered with more mumbled cursings4 ,if he cannot state his case1 said ,gud1 why should he expect me to free him8 ,but master1 there is a smaller chain across his mouth4 ,so there is1 observed ,gud1 and he reached over and severed that smaller chain4 ,i thank you1 said the prisoner1 but there is little more that ,i can say1 for ,i am still chained to the ,rock of ,conservatism4 ,oh1 very well1 replied ,gud1 as he severed the great chain also4 ,and now please tell me who you are and why you are bound here8 ,the creature arose and stretched his aching bones4 ,i am ,free ,speech1 said he1 and who are you8 ,and ,gud replied3 ,i am ,gud4 ,i never heard of you and what is your business8 ,i am retired4 ,what is your business8 ,my business was talking too much until they bound me4 ,but now that ,i am again free1 ,i intend to go on talking and saying just what ,i please4 ,for one thing ,i do not like that ridiculous old bath robe you wear4 ,if you don't care for pants1 why wear anything8 ,have you always been in the business of talking too much8 inquired ,gud4 ,no1 replied ,free ,speech1 ,i was once a school master but ,i got into difficulty4 ,i had a private school and both the ,just and the ,unjust sent their children to my school4 ,the ,just believed that the world was flat and the ,unjust believed that the world was round-- ,which was it8 asked ,gud4 ,keep still and let me talk4 ,the ,just wanted me to teach their children that the world was flat and the ,unjust wanted me to teach their children that the world was round4 ,so ,i organized two classes in geography and taught the children of the ,just that the world was flat and the children of the ,unjust that the world was round4 ,the ,just had me arrested1 but ,i escaped and went into the business of talking too much and saying what ,i pleased and asking all the questions ,i wanted to2 and while ,i am grateful to you for your releasing me1 all you did was your duty1 and ,i don't feel there is any privilege of back talk coming to you2 and yet you look like you were pretty wise1 and there are one or two things that ,i don't know yet4 ,for instance1 has a ghost a soul or is he a soul8 ,well1 ,i see you don't know1 but maybe you can tell me whether sins are washed away by death-bed repentance1 though ,i really don't care1 for it is not important4 ,but ,i would like to know if faith will remove mountains4 ,i don't believe it will for when ,i was a small lad ,i went to live with my grandmother4 ,there was an ugly mountain back of her house and grandmother decided to remove it by faith and she prayed all one evening that the mountain be moved that night4 ,the next morning she woke up and looked out the kitchen window and said3 ',i knew that old mountain would still be there4' ,which reminds me of a fellow ,i knew who was a faith healer by profession1 and mighty successful1 too1 and went all up and down the land healing by faith and getting paid handsomely for it4 ,but his wife at home was an invalid3 ,i asked her why her husband did not heal her and she said1 ',i lack faith in him4' ,do you know why they call sleep innocent1 considering the kind of dreams people have8 ,or why blood is thicker than water8 ,or what there is about a sphinx that makes people think it knows the answer to riddles8 ,or why a greased egg won't hatch8 ,or whether a man in hot water is more uncomfortable than a round peg in a square hole8 ,no1 replied ,gud1 ,i do not know any of these things and ,i am sorry ,i unbound you4 ,i knew you would be1 cried ,free ,speech1 ,i could tell by your old gray gown and those antiquated whiskers that you were a conservative and a hide-bound ,puritan1 but ,i tell you right now that you can't stop me talking by tying me up1 and that it won't do you any good if you do4 ,and that ,underdog of yours is no better than you are4 ,the ,underdog must be educated by me1 though he is usually so stupid that he chases after the copycat instead of listening to me talk1 and so ,i don't really care as much what becomes of him as ,i pretend ,i do--and did you ever hear the story about-- ,but ,gud clapped his hand over the mouth of ,free ,speech and called3 ,quick1 ,fidu1 fetch me the chain4 ,as ,fidu and ,gud marched on their way it was to the sound of muttering and mumbled curses and the clanking of a heavy chain4 ,chapter ,,xxvi ,master1 remarked ,fidu1 ,i have long suspected that in following this ,impossible ,curve we are not getting anywhere4 ,what difference does it make8 replied ,gud1 we are only walking for recreation4 ,oh1 yes1 ,i know all that1 but still1 ,i do not like to walk in a circle1 because it makes me dizzy4 ,but we can't be walking in a circle1 argued ,gud1 because a circle is quite probable and this curve is impossible4 ,that may also be true1 ,master1 but nevertheless we just passed that world again where you made a virgin prophetess out of a stupid girl1 and ,i know that building ahead of us is the almshouse on the steps of which we found the poor old beggar whom you made so happy4 ,gud looked ahead4 ,yes1 ,fidu1 he agreed1 you are right2 and perhaps we shall meet him again1 for he will not be a beggar now but a rich and prosperous novelist4 ,but alas6 when they came up to the almshouse they found the same old beggar looking more disreputable than before4 ,gud reached over and shook him1 but he did not stir nor answer4 ,gud turned quickly away and called ,fidu1 and they passed on4 ,why did he not speak8 asked ,fidu4 ,because1 answered ,gud1 the poor old fellow was dead1 apparently of starvation4 ,and you thought that he would be rich and prosperous4 ,yes1 yes1 so ,i did4 ,i gave him the chance of his life1 too1 by making triangles with three sexes and therefore perfectly moral--it just goes to show how useless it is to attempt to salvage these mendicants4 ,chapter ,,xxvii ,as ,gud was knocking about among the stars he saw yet another world spinning idly on its axis as it floated aimlessly in the nebulous ether4 ,prompted by curiosity he drew nearer and observed that the ether was full of ghosts4 ,most of them seemed to be observing the conduct of the beings in the material world below1 and ,gud rightly judged them to be demised of that reality and amusing themselves by watching the doings of their descendants4 ,but there was one ghost of an old woman that seemed sore troubled and full of yearning for the beings of the world below1 as if she would communicate to them some message and could find not the means of communication4 ,filled with compassion1 ,gud approached the ghost of the old woman and asked if he might be of service to her4 ,but she merely gazed up at him out of troubled eyes and did not speak4 ,again ,gud addressed her and again she answered not2 and ,gud concluded that she was a very dumb ghost4 ,thereupon ,gud imagined a powerful medicine and poured it out in a make-believe goblet and gave to the dumb ghost to drink thereof4 ,she accepted it gratefully and drank copiously2 and immediately her mouth opened so that she spake volubly4 ,when she had done with her thanks for the miracle1 ,gud asked her why she was troubled and why she looked upon the world below with such distress4 ,it is quite a long story1 she began1 as she seated herself upon the ,rock of ,ages4 ,this being the only rock in the neighborhood1 ,gud was obliged to create another rock so that he could be seated also1 for the story promised well4 ,when ,gud was comfortably seated1 the old ghost of the old woman resumed3 ,i was the first lady of the land1 that you see below us1 and the mother of the first family on that poor deluded world4 ,i had a very dear husband who was the father of my children--of that there was no doubt1 for he was never jealous4 ,but ,i was not his first wife1 for he had been married before to a most loquacious creature who had talked herself into hysterics and died4 ,my husband loved me greatly and in order to escape the sound of women's voices1 he brought me to this world which you now see so full of our descendants4 ,then it was only inhabited by savage beasts and we were the first people who trod its wild shores4 ,we settled down in a beautiful cave and made a happy home there and numerous children came to bless our union4 ,my husband loved these children and made many toys to amuse them1 for he was clever with his jack-knife4 ,one day he came home with a great chunk of dry1 soft wood and began to whittle on it1 while all the children stood about and wondered what he was making4 ,day by day they watched him as he shaped and carved the wood until he had made a most comical and grotesque object with grinning teeth1 and eyes which he blackened with charcoal4 ,the children were afraid of this ugly1 carved wooden creature1 and yet they loved it because their father had made it for them4 ,so when it was all finished1 he perched it up on the mantle over the horsehair sofa and told the children not to touch it4 ,when they asked him what it was he said that it was ,bahgung2 and he told them that while they slept ,bahgung stole out of the cave and went on long expeditions and had great adventures4 ,the children loved these tales of the doings of ,bahgung1 and so my husband made many tales of ,bahgung and his adventures4 ,i wanted to warn him that the children could not discriminate between fact and fiction and might believe these tales1 but ,i was dumb and could say nothing4 ,when my dear husband saw the worry in my eyes he guessed the cause and said3 ',when they get older1 ,i will explain to them that these are only fairy tales and they will forget them4' ,but he did not explain1 and went on making up more and yet more tales of the might and prowess of the wooden carved ,bahgung4 ,if the children were naughty1 he told them that ,bahgung would punish them1 and when they were good he told them that ,bahgung would award them4 ,one day when ,i came quietly into the cave ,i saw my little girl kneeling before ,bahgung1 and she was talking to him and beseeching him to cause her brother give back a pretty shell which he had taken from her4 ,i was worried at all this1 but being dumb ,i could say nothing4 ,it was a few days later that my dear husband was eaten by a crocodile while he was fishing4 ,there being no remains we had a modest private funeral1 none but the family being present2 and ,i took up as best ,i could the duties of providing for my children4 ,after their father's death the children talked still more to ,bahgung and told him all their troubles4 ,they seemed to love the idol and yet to fear him1 and to believe he was alive though they could see him before them as only a carved wooden thing4 ,so much they worshiped ,bahgung that ,i feared to destroy him1 and ,i therefore allowed the wooden idol to stand on the mantle over the old horsehair sofa that we had brought with us from another world4 ,i still supposed that when the children grew up they would forget this miserable idol of carven wood4 ,but alas6 they did not4 ,i did not dare destroy the idol1 for the children adored it more than they did me who had brought them into the world of my own flesh and blood4 ,i wanted also to explain to them that ,bahgung was only a wooden idol and as dead and worthless as any rotten stick1 but being dumb ,i could say nothing4 ,when my children left home1 they would come back on pilgrimages1 and to me it seemed that they came back more to worship ,bahgung than to see their old mother4 ,so in my desire to see my children the more ,i permitted ,bahgung to stand on the mantle above the horsehair sofa in the cave4 ,one day my oldest son and oldest daughter came at the same time to visit me and to worship ,bahgung4 ,it was then that my son proposed that he take ,bahgung to his own cave4 ,being dumb ,i could say nothing1 but my daughter objected4 ',very well1' said my son1 'leave the old thing here4 ,i will make a better one of my own4' ,the next time ,i visited my son1 ,i found that he1 too1 had made a creature1 which he modeled out of clay1 even more cleverly than his father had carved4 ,and this creature was sitting on a little pedestal in a small cave of its own and my son was teaching my grandchildren to bring it offerings and make worship and prayers to it--all of which ,i thought most silly4 ,finally ,i died and my numerous descendants gave me a grand funeral and paraded ,bahgung at the head of the procession and all their lesser idols after him4 ,but being dumb and dead also1 ,i could say nothing4 ,so that was how it all started1 the idol worship1 in that world you see below us1 and for thousands on thousands of generations those poor deluded descendants of mine made and worshiped idols of wood and clay and stone and metal1 while ,i hovered over them1 knowing all the while how the delusion started in my own dear husband's innocent desire to amuse our children with a home-made toy4 ,that is a very interesting account of the origin of idol worship1 commented ,gud1 ,i never heard so plausible a theory4 ,theory6 repeated the old ghost1 but it isn't theory1 ,i would have you know4 ,it is plain fact--did ,i not see the whole beginning of this folly with my own eyes1 and did ,i not heft that old carcass of rotten wood with my own hands8 ,perhaps1 admitted ,gud1 still-- and he peered searchingly through the haze at the world below--still1 ,i do not see them worshiping idols down there now8 ,the only idols ,i can see are in the museums along with the stuffed mermaids and two-headed serpents4 ,of course1 replied the old ghost1 they have long since grown too sophisticated to worship material idols of wood and stone1 but they have idols just the same1 which they call 'gods not made with hands'4 ,gud felt a little uncomfortable at this remark1 but before he could think of anything to say the ghost of the first woman of that land which lay below them1 continued4 ,i will tell you how that came about1 too1 for ,i was hovering near at the time4 ,there was a lazy philosopher4 ,he had no idol except a worm-eaten old wooden one which some one had given him1 and which he kept in a hovel4 ,one day the shanty caught fire from a defective flue and his idol was burned and there was no insurance4 ,the philosopher was too lazy to make another and too poor to buy one1 for the idol makers by that time were charging high prices4 ,so the lazy fool sat out on a stump and dreamed how to get another idol without working to pay for it4 ,his thoughts1 as ,i read them at that time1 ran something like this3 ',an idol is a material creature of wood or stone or metal1 which is used by the worshiper as a material nucleus to concentrate the attention and stimulate the imagination4 ,the imagination constructs an immaterial being or god to dwell within the material idol4 ,as this imagined god is the creature that answers supplications and heaps curses on one's enemies1 therefore the benefits to the worshiper must come from the use of his own imagination4 ,now it would be more difficult to imagine a god without having the idol to start from1 hence if one could achieve it he would use his imagination more and thereby get a better god4' ,so the philosopher set his imagination to work and imagined himself a god without going to the expense of buying an idol4 ,he was so well pleased with his wholly imagined god that he went out and proclaimed to others1 and soon he had a host of lazy chaps who agreed to pay him for the privilege of worshiping his imagined god and thus saving the cost of idols4 ,the scheme was so lucrative that other philosophers set up other psychic idols1 and that is what they have down there now4 ,if you doubt me1 look over there in the left corner of the nearer hemisphere and you can see the smoke of a war4 ,those people are fighting1 trying to make each other accept their particular psychic idols4 ,gud looked and saw the war1 that it was great and that there was much smoke2 and even a faint stench was wafted up to him of the flesh of unbelievers being burned by the faithful4 ,gud looked also toward another quarter and saw other smoke4 ,and what is that war8 he asked1 pointing it out4 ,that1 replied the old ghost1 is a war between two groups who both want to worship the same psychic idol1 but one group wishes to worship it in silence and meditation and the other wishes to worship it with drums and cymbals4 ,gud sniffed the ether from that direction and found that it also smelled of burning flesh4 ,he did not like the odor and he arose as if to go toward the unhappy world4 ,where are you going8 asked the old ghost4 ,i was just wondering1 whether1 if those unhappy people had a real god would they not quit all this war and devote their time to harmonious worship8 ,don't be a fool1 laughed the old ghost1 if you go down there as a stranger preaching some new god they will pour oil on you and set you up to light the town for a night4 ,gud sighed and sat down on the stone again4 ,i suppose they would1 he admitted1 and ,i suppose now that ,i have given you back your power of communication1 you will be wanting to go down there and find a good medium and preach atheism through spirit messages1 since you know what a fraud all their gods are4 ,i shall do nothing of the sort1 declared the old ghost4 ,of course1 if ,i could have had a great doctor like you to have restored my speech while ,i was yet alive1 then ,i could have explained to my children just how it all started1 and this folly would have never been4 ,but it is too late now4 ,what are you going to do8 asked ,gud1 for he saw that the old ghost had arisen with a very determined look on her face as if she surely meant to do something4 ,i am going down there1 she asserted2 but ,i shall not bother with any silly mediums4 ,i am going to materialize as a woman of great wealth and beauty1 and ,i am going to captivate and hire the best sculptors and architects in the land1 and under my direction they will build an enormous fine temple and set up a great idol1 the splendor of which that miserable world has never seen-- ,just what kind of an idol8 interrupted ,gud4 ,an image of ,bahgung1 of course1 cried the old ghost4 ,what else would you suppose8 ,wasn't he the first of all their idols1 and the best of all them8 ,but-- said the astonished ,gud1 ,i thought that you did not believe in that idol and disliked to see your children worship him4 ,so ,i did1 in a way1 because it was only a crude1 wooden carving that my silly husband had made with his jack-knife--but ,bahgung was a great god for all of that4 ,why1 didn't he heal my youngest child of that terrible fever when ,i prayed to him that fearful night8 ,and didn't he tear the great stone from the cliff that rolled down and killed the tiger8 ,and didn't he-- ,but ,gud heard no more1 for he was racing madly through the ether and pinching himself to see if he were real4 ,chapter ,,xxviii ,having come a long way and being footsore and weary ,gud felt that it was time to retire4 ,but he possessed no sleeping garments4 ,so he caused a deep sleep to fall upon the ,underdog and then ,gud lay down and slept in his waking garments4 ,but the ,underdog dreamed a dream and when ,gud heard what the ,underdog was dreaming1 he arose and drew his long knife and cut off the ,underdog's ear so that the beast could not hear what he was dreaming--for it was the kind of dream that ,underdogs should never hear1 and1 if it is not deleted by the censor1 this is what it was3 ,chapter ,,xxix ,thirteen respectable spinsters ,of the respectable town of ,murch1 ,gave a very respectable party ,for their eminent orthodox church4 ,on a green and grassy pasture ,by the side of the ,river ,runch ,they sat with the ,reverend ,quondam ,and partook of a dainty lunch4 ,none could have said they were pretty1 ,not even those in the know1 ,yet no one denied in the city ,that their names were as white as the snow4 ,and just at the moment of eating ,the breast of a tender chicken1 ,the ,reverend ,quondam observed ,the grey skies overhead thicken4 ,within a neighboring farmhouse ,he betook his respectable form1 ,accompanied by all of the ladies ,in deadly fear of the storm4 ,then lightning came and the thunder ,like the crashing of seventeen earths1 ,and in that respectable party ,occurred three premature births4 ,chapter ,,xxx ,the next morning when the ,underdog awoke he had an imagination that a fly had alighted on the ear which ,gud had cut off4 ,the ,underdog grieved because he could not flop the ear which he no longer possessed and so dislodge the fly that he imagined had alighted thereon4 ,this made bad blood at the breakfast table so that the ,underdog growled ungratefully over the bone of contention which ,gud threw him4 ,all that day they walked with their eyes averted and said nothing until they came to the place where the birds of faith roosted on the waves of the wireless2 and then they both rejoiced1 for here was good game1 easily ensnared because it had faith and trust4 ,so ,gud spoke comradely to the ,underdog and the ,underdog wagged cordially4 ,gud built a snare out of weeping willow twigs1 and the ,underdog ran round the birds and barked the birches4 ,presently an old bird that was steadfast in the faith walked into the snare and ,gud reached out his hand and took the bird1 and it perched upon his shoulder and told him why love grows cold4 ,this made ,gud very happy1 for he had always wanted to know4 ,chapter ,,xxxi ,the mists that whirl in greater mists ,around the cliffs of space ,leave little drops of glistening water ,upon ,his wrinkled face4 ,have you heard ,him1 as walking through ,the valleys of the night ,he paces ever back and forth1 ,silent1 old and white8 ,upon some jagged piece of dust ,as high as night is high ,he watches all the tiny worlds ,go spinning down the sky4 ,around ,him are the burning stars ,that toss like little ships ,and winds blow out of dim unknowns ,across ,his very lips4 ,have you heard ,him amid the silence1 ,vast as a silken cloud1 ,lifting ,his arms with jewelled pendants1 ,cloaked in a heavy shroud8 ,chapter ,,xxxii ,as ,gud and ,fidu journeyed on they came to a rippling rivulet and saw two women who were bathing in the laughing water4 ,gud was not astonished at what he saw because ,gud sees all things1 and familiarity breeds contempt4 ,neither were the women alarmed1 because they were busy talking and did not see ,gud4 ,i am sick of love1 one woman said4 ,whereupon the other woman said3 ,my husband understands me4 ,just then the ,underdog came up panting and athirst and started to lap of the laughing waters of the rippling rivulet4 ,gud thrust his hand out and jerked the poor beast away4 ,alas1 too late6 ,fidu had drunk of the bewitched water and when the moon changed its name and a meteor fell into a fit of despondency2 the ,underdog went mad and frothed at the mouth and bit the hand that fed him1 which was the right hand of ,gud4 ,gud made a tourniquet out of a miser's heart-strings1 so that the infection did not pass above the elbow2 and he applied leeches to the wound and also an ointment of soothing words so that the pain abated4 ,but the poison of falsehood was so potent that ,gud found his right hand had become a deceitful hand and could not write the truth4 ,so ,gud exchanged his right hand for his left hand1 which was very easy to do since he was in the ,nth dimension and outside the limitations of three-dimensional space4 ,when ,fidu1 the ,underdog1 went mad he lost his reason4 ,gud did not note this at the time because of his own affliction4 ,but after his wound had healed so that it ceased to hurt anything but his conscience1 ,gud observed1 as they walked along1 that ,fidu had lost his reason4 ,the poor dog walking along there without his reason looked so unreasonable that ,gud's heart was touched with compassion and he said3 ,fidu1 it grieves me to see you without a reason4 ,here1 take mine4 ,fidu looked up gratefully out of his sad1 mad eyes as ,gud handed him his reason4 ,glad to have a reason again ,fidu seized it in his mouth and ran off1 frisking and twisting and wanting to bark1 which he could not do because he was carrying ,gud's reason in his mouth4 ,so he ran ahead and came to a place where the curve crossed over a deep1 dark stream4 ,glancing down into the mirror-like surface of the water1 the ,underdog saw his reflection4 ,he did not think the reflection was another dog with another reason in his mouth--for ,fidu had his reason in his mouth and was still mad in his eyes4 ,when he saw his reflection in the water1 he thought it was a porcupine or a civet cat or some other unapproachable creature1 and so he barked2 and in doing so he let ,gud's reason fall into the water4 ,down1 down sank the reason of ,gud into the dark1 deep water1 for it was a very weighty reason4 ,fidu did not attempt to dive after it1 but the poor1 mad dog just stood there and let it sink out of sight into the deep dark water4 ,when ,gud came up he1 too1 was without his reason and he thought ,fidu1 standing forlornly on the bridge1 was an evil genius4 ,when the mad dog ran on into the gloomy wilderness that was beyond the stream1 the mad ,gud followed after him and became lost in the wildness of the wilderness4 ,as ,gud wandered on amid the gloomy shadows1 the void in his mind1 where his reason had been1 became filled with many strange illusions1 and he discovered that he could now believe many things that he had not previously been able to believe because they had been unreasonable4 ,faith in things unseen grew within him4 ,the fourth dimension and the squared circle no longer annoyed him4 ,he found that chimeras were very real and also wyverns1 and that metaphysical hypotheses were as solid substance and as proven facts4 ,gud now understood for the first time in his life that he was ,gud and at the same time he was a holy ghost1 and that he was also his own father4 ,this last bit of unreasonable comprehension especially relieved ,gud4 ,he was sorry he had not accepted it sooner1 for because of it he had never really written his autobiography4 ,when he had started to write1 he began by describing his father as being in existence before his own birth1 and yet ,gud had realized that such could not be1 as he and his father were one and the same being4 ,the situation had confused ,gud's reason1 but now with his reason gone it was all very clear4 ,there were also many other things which ,gud had been unable to accept with his reason1 but which now1 with no appeal to reason1 he gladly embraced1 and so reveled joyously in his growing faith4 ,the transfiguration of souls particularly entranced him1 and he spent many happy hours1 as he walked along amid the gloomy shadows of the wildness of the wilderness1 in picking out favorite animals to have been and to be4 ,he rather favored having been a quacking ornithorhynchus and going to be a ring-straked giraffe2 and yet the claims of the groundhog1 which sleeps half its life away1 also appealed to ,gud1 because he had a long time to live4 ,having considered these and many others1 ,gud decided to have been all the unattractive animals in the past and to be all the nice ones in the future4 ,after all1 he had plenty of past and future and there was no occasion for abbreviating the list4 ,with his reason gone ,gud also accepted polytheism as being quite compatible with monotheism4 ,he no longer found it objectionable to be the only god and yet have a lot of assistant gods1 for he saw that this would relieve him of a great deal of labor4 ,and thus it came about that through the loss of his reason many irrational things which he had previously disputed and disbelieved were now lucid and believable4 ,so gratified was ,gud as he realized the magnitude of his growing faith that he gave a great shout of joy4 ,the shout echoed through the wildness of the wilderness1 and the echo came back to ,gud2 and ,gud thought it was a lion's roar4 ,the mad ,underdog also heard ,gud's shout and the echo of ,gud's shout1 and he thought the shout was the blast of a war trumpet1 and that the echo was the noise of the celebration of peace4 ,but ,gud did not know what ,fidu thought1 for ,gud was mad4 ,if ,gud could only have looked sanely into ,fidu's insane eyes1 a deal of trouble might have been avoided4 ,but he could not2 and ,gud thought the echo of his shout was the roar of a mighty1 wicked lion1 and he thought ,fidu thought so1 too4 ,and maybe he did4 ,then the lion's roar roared again4 ,but ,gud was not afraid1 for he had no reason to be afraid4 ,filled with unreasonable faith and valor1 ,gud seized his staff and charged into the jungle after the lion's roar4 ,and ,fidu1 the ,underdog1 followed after ,gud1 for why shouldn't a mad dog follow a mad master8 ,the lion's roar roared yet again4 ,the hair on the mad ,underdog's back bristled4 ,the dark1 dank jungle trembled with the lion's roar4 ,the monkeys in the tree tops chattered with excitement1 for it looked to them as if there was going to be a fight4 ,gud charged through the underbrush brandishing his staff and came face to face with the lion's roar4 ,and ,gud struck viciously and valorously at the lion's roar4 ,but it was only the illusion of a lion's roar and ,gud's staff went through the incorporeal stuff like a whip lash through mercy4 ,then the lion's roar roared once again1 and this time so mightily that ,gud died of fright4 ,when the ,underdog came upon the scene1 the roar1 ashamed of its unreality1 had slunk off into the wilderness1 and all was quiet in the gloom and the shadow of death4 ,fidu sniffed pathetically at his dead master1 and then1 filled with remorse1 he whined piteously1 for now that his master was dead the poor mad dog regretted that he had lost ,gud's reason4 ,for a long time ,fidu sat in silent vigil by his dead master's side1 grieving as hard as a poor mad dog could4 ,but at last he arose and licked the right hand of ,gud1 which he had bitten in his madness1 and gazed again into his dead master's face4 ,then1 mad though he was1 ,fidu turned and trotted with unerring canine instinct back to the bridge across the stream4 ,reaching the bridge he faltered not but dove off bravely into the deep1 dark water and retrieved ,gud's reason4 ,all wet and cold1 he came back to his poor master's side and laid ,gud's reason down beside ,gud's head and then barked loudly4 ,but ,gud did not hear the bark of the ,underdog1 for ,gud was dead4 ,so it must be that the hero of this tale1 in what shall come hereafter1 is only the ,ghost of ,gud4 ,chapter ,,xxxiii ,the mists that whirl in greater mists ,around the cliffs of space ,leave little drops of water ,upon his wrinkled face4 ,have you heard ,him1 as walking through ,the valleys of the night ,he paces ever back and forth1 ,silent1 old and white8 ,upon some jagged piece of dust ,as high as night is high1 ,he watches all the tiny worlds ,go spinning down the sky4 ,around ,him are the burning stars ,that toss like little ships1 ,the winds blow out of dim unknowns ,across his very lips4 ,have you seen ,him amid the silence1 ,vast as a silken cloud1 ,lifting ,his arms with jeweled pendants ,cloaked in a heavy shroud8 ,when sweeping through the open night ,great pinions touch the face2 ,vast wings that fold the face of ,god ,against the breast of space2 ,we hear the hills that all one's life ,were silent as the sun1 ,break forth in songs that waited there ,since life had first begun4 ,we reach out for the fluttering hand ,and finding it is gone1 ,we know the stars that shake the sky ,are only old and wan4 ,we stand and listen and we know ,that rising through the night ,pass all the hosts of all the years ,death ever hides from sight4 ,so much and yet so little then ,with thrust that follows thrust4444 ,the paltry things of paltry life ,shrink swiftly into dust4 ,we lift our hungry hands to ,heaven ,for pity and in pain ,the only answer ever given ,is that fancy and faith remain4 ,wars we wage that ,one might rule4444 ,proud and jealous is ,he4 ,with fire and sword we crush the fool ,who does not bend the knee4 ,temple and palace1 hovel and hut1 ,dreamer and doer of deeds1 ,at least one door is never shut1 ,god answers all our needs4 ,he walks the crest of some far hill ,against the setting sun1 ,the presence of a mighty will ,whose journey is never done4 ,into the night and over the dawn ,all the things that are ,through empty voids go plunging on4444 ,planet and sun and star4 ,yet ,he we worship died years ago ,like some poor human clod1 ,and that which wanders to and fro ,is only the ghost of ,god6 ,chapter ,,xxxiv ,a bear went over the mountain1 sang the child 7,gud stopped to listen1 for the child had had its voice cultivated prenatally7 to see what he could see4 ,a row of hanging skeletons1 a swinging in the wind1 was all the bear could see in front1 and he could not see behind4 ,see here1 interrupted ,gud1 you have the song mixed--what the bear saw was the other side of the mountain4 ,awh1 ,i know1 replied the child1 that was what the preteristic old bear saw1 but ,i sing of the futuristic young bear4 ,gud shook his head sadly4 ,it made him feel archaic to come thus face to face with the younger generation in art and literature4 ,somehow he felt that there was something amiss in this new universe that seemed to have arisen ,phoenixlike out of the ashes of nothing4 ,gud turned from the child with the prenatally cultivated mind and went on his way sorrowfully4 ,and as he walked he hummed softly to himself--,the old-time creation1 the old-time creation1 ,it was good for ,unph and ,godumph 444 and it's good enough for me4444 ,come1 come1 monologued ,gud--,i must not get retrospective--,i destroyed it all--ashes to ashes and dust to dust4 ,as ,gud trudged on1 trying to shake this mood of a sentimental retrospection from him1 he found the light waning and the ether about him turning grey and grim and gruesome4 ,then like an avalanche of dead ravens1 sable darkness came tumbling down upon him4 ,but there were whitish outlines in the darkness1 moving and swaying1 and there were rattlings and clanking sounds1 and eery whistlings4 ,rachitic with fear ,gud's knees bent beneath him and he sank down in the blackness and shuddered in his soul4 ,before him1 like a great grey army marching1 the skeletons of all the mortal dead1 of all the worlds and all the ages that had ever been1 were filing by4 ,in measured time they marched1 their gaunt legbones swinging in great sweeping strides1 their backbones bending and creaking as they marched2 while the winds between the worlds whipped through empty eyes and hollow skulls and made eery whistling sounds--and all the dry bones rattled4 ,so the material dead1 in the empty mockery of marching1 passed by ,gud in vain review4 ,and ,gud sat shuddering and alone and watched them--for eons and epochs1 and epochs piled on eons of unmarked time4 ,after all the countless and infinitely innumerable swinging1 swaying1 clanking1 dry-boned skeletons had marched by ,gud1 they started around again4 ,gud knew that they were going around a second time1 because he saw one pass1 bearing before his bleached and grinning fact the glow of a good cigar4 ,there could be no mistake about it1 for these were the bones of the only smoker who had ever believed that tobacco was as injurious as the non-smokers said it was6 ,thus made aware that the show was being repeated on him1 ,gud realized that even the most gruesome and ghoulish sights and sounds became commonplace with repetition2 and he became bored1 and his fear died within him4 ,so he arose and walked right through the marching mass of swinging1 swaying1 rattling1 whistling1 dry-boned skeletons1 and out into the sunlight of a new day where he found ,fidu digging up a freshly planted lawn in search of a bone he had buried on a golf course countless eons before4 ,come1 come1 said ,gud1 let the dead bones stay buried--the future of eternal life is long enough without digging up the past4 ,having dissuaded ,fidu from his search for provender ,gud offered him a portion of his own lunch4 ,do you remember1 remarked ,gud to the ,underdog1 as they sat munching their sandwiches1 the time ,i was on that little world back there-- ,which one8 asked ,fidu4 ,the one ,i am talking about1 silly--,i ran into an earthquake4 ,it shook things up rather badly and toppled over about half the houses1 killing and maiming millions of mortals4 ,what caused it8 ,i don't know1 probably it was accidental--but that isn't important4 ,what interested me was what those poor mortals thought caused it4 ,as ,i was strolling through a town watching the relief committee at work1 ,i happened to see people going into a steep roofed building1 which being well constructed1 had not fallen down4 ,i joined the crowd and went in4 ,one of their kind was standing on a box at the far end of the building and talking4 ,i sat down with the others and listened to him4 ,he was talking about the 'divine visitation4' ,for a moment ,i became self-conscious1 thinking my incognito had been discovered4 ,but ,i soon realized that he referred to the earthquake4 ,his theory was interesting4 ,he thought their silly little world had been shaken up by their divinity4 ,i knew that he was mistaken1 for ,i knew the chap who had that world in charge2 he is a weak little god who could not shake up a good-sized island4 ,for what reason did the mortals think your friend shook them up8 asked ,fidu4 ,the one who was talking had two theories about it4 ,you see they had two kinds of folks in that world--one bunch was called 'sinners' and one was called 'righteous4' ,plenty of both bunches were killed by the quake4 ,but it seemed that the fellow who was talking1 wanted the sinners killed and he was praising my friend for doing it4 ,but his difficulty was in explaining the death of the righteous1 whom ,i gathered were friends of his that had been in the habit of paying him to talk to them4 ,there were a good many empty stalls in the room with black cloths on them1 and some of the women in the crowd were weeping4 ,well1 after the talker got through explaining that their deity had caused the earthquake for the purpose of killing the sinners1 he had to admit that it also got a few of the righteous4 ,he said that this was due to the 'mysterious working of the divine purpose' or some such vagary4 ,well1 what of it8 asked ,fidu4 ,nothing in particular1 only it struck me as funny4 ,is that all8 ,about1 said ,gud--but as ,i left that world1 ,i took hold of its axis and gave it another shake4 ,did you know1 said ,fidu1 that the ,copycat had been visiting8 ,what makes you think so8 ,because there are five little copy kittens4 ,after which they journeyed on until they came to a wall4 ,in this wall were two doors4 ,before the wall stood a great multitude and they stared at the two doors with fixed glassy eyes4 ,gud turned and spoke to the multitude and said3 ,why stare ye at the doors in the wall and durst not enter8 ,alas1 ,great ,gud1 cried the multitude1 as with one voice1 we wish not to enter the doors1 but would only know which door the man entered4 ,that ,i will find out for you1 said ,gud1 and he stepped up and examined the knobs of the doors4 ,then he turned and bowed to the multitude1 and turned yet again1 and seizing the knob of one of the doors he swung it boldly open4 ,and behold1 there stood a man-eating tiger1 contentedly licking his chops1 his belly with fat lover lined4 ,and ,gud beckoned to the tiger which came out through the door and faced the multitude1 and on the tiger's face there was a faint fragrance of a smile4 ,and the tiger bowed to the multitude1 and ,gud also bowed with the tiger4 ,and from the eyes of the multitude the glassy stare faded1 and they turned and walked away1 and some spoke exultant words to the others4 ,but1 asked ,fidu of ,gud1 as they again went on their journey1 how did you know which door to open--did you smell the blood8 ,no1 you hundopomorphic canine fool1 ,i looked for finger prints on the knobs of the doors4 ,chapter ,,xxxv ,gud1 sauntering through the ,market of ,knowledge1 came to a stall of a prophet and passed the time of day with him4 ,business is terrible1 lamented the prophet4 ,what is the trouble8 asked ,gud sympathetically4 ,unfair competition1 replied the prophet4 ,those up-start scientists across the way have berated my goods and stolen my customers until ,i have none left save a few old ladies4 ,indeed1 ,i fear me we shall never again see those good old days when even young men believed there was magic in the stars4 ,but1 said ,gud1 as he glanced about1 your goods look shelf-worn4 ,shelf-worn you say8 ,and why not8 ,i have rare antiques here4 ,see1 here is the ,golden ,fleece and there is the ,philosopher's ,stone4 ,that box in the corner is the ,hope ,chest of ,venus4 ,and there in the window is the ,fountain of ,youth4 ,that puzzle beside it is the ,riddle of the ,universe4 ,and this vial here contains the ,evil ,eye preserved in spirits of mocking wine4 ,all very fine antiques1 agreed ,gud1 but in this age a merchant must keep up-to-date2 you need new goods on your shelves4 ,and new goods1 ,i have had in time and again1 declared the prophet4 ,but they have stolen them from me4 ,did ,i not once make good money auguring from the entrails of animals1 till these scientists found that they were useful for sausage casings8 ,and when the stars paled in popularity because the scientists turned their spy-tubes upon them1 did ,i not sit over a wall of gas and make myself drunk with its stinking fumes1 while my wife sold my insane babblings for wisdom1 until those scientists stole the gas and ran it through pipes to the houses to make fuel for pots to boil8 ,and did not ,i read the cracks in fools' palms1 until the scientists made fingerprints to identify criminals1 and then the people durst not give me their hands to read lest ,i be a spy in the employ of the state searching out their crimes8 ,and did ,i not call messages out of the air from distant lands1 until the scientists trained the lightning to bring messages and harnessed it to vehicles so that the people could go and see for themselves that the lightning had not lied8 ,did you ever try interpreting dreams8 asked ,gud4 ,bah6 said the prophet4 ,that was the idea with which ,i began business when this world was young4 ,but they have spoiled that also and taught the people that dreams were merely neurotic emanations of a bad bellyful of beef and beans4 ,i tell you1 my friend1 they have left me nothing1 nothing of mystery and magic to sell the people2 and here ,i am1 a prophet1 wise in all the ways of prophecy1 and sitting in an empty shop full of musty bones6 ,taking leave of this disgruntled prophet1 ,gud strolled through the ,market of ,knowledge to see for himself how it was that these scientists had ruined the honorable business of prophecy4 ,and ,gud saw many wonders and much business going on4 ,in one stall he saw a chemist with tubes and retorts brewing pretty smells to scent ill-favored women4 ,in another he saw a doctor with a microscope studying the germs of disease and making poisons to kill them4 ,and in another was a chemist analyzing foods to see how much fatness or leanness they contained1 so that he could sell recipes that would make the waists of his customers of a girth suited to the length of their lovers' arms4 ,and in all the shops of the scientists1 ,gud discovered that young men were busy analyzing things and dissecting and dismembering them and finding out of what they were made1 so that they could prepare some recipe or medicine or knowledge and sell it and get gain4 ,and ,gud wondered what was left that his old friend1 the prophet1 could dissect and analyze and sell as a scientific product and so get gain4 ,as ,gud pondered this he chanced to stroll into the shop of a psychologist whose secretary had the nose bleed so that she fainted1 and ,gud asked3 ,what is the matter with her8 ,she is unconscious1 replied the psychologist1 her mind has lost its awareness4 ,is her mind dead8 ,no1 no1 retorted the psychologist4 ,then why does she not talk8 ,because her mind is unconscious and she cannot use it to talk with4 ,but1 what is she doing with it8 ,dreaming1 most likely1 replied the psychologist4 ,why do you not dissect her unconscious mind and see of what her dreams are made8 ,get out6 cried the psychologist1 ,i am a married man and ,i do not want to know of what her dreams are made4 ,when ,gud left the shop of the psychologist it was growing dark in the ,market of ,knowledge4 ,so he waited until the lights in the houses were being extinguished and the people were falling asleep4 ,the next morning when ,gud entered the shop of his old friend1 the prophet1 he carried a sack1 the contents of which he dumped on the table4 ,what are these things8 demanded the prophet4 ,they are unconscious minds1 said ,gud1 and they are full of dreams4 ,i want you to dissect them and analyze them and see how the dreams are made and what are the elements of them4 ,thus you shall make a science of dreams to sell to the people and get gain4 ,so saying1 ,gud left the shop and walked up the side of a grassy mountain where all the birds were singing and all the ewes were lambing and the little toadstools were pushing up great rocks with the power of the life that was in them4 ,and ,gud lay down upon the new-grown grass and fell asleep1 and slept till winter came4 ,when the snow began to fall upon the feet of ,gud1 he dreamed a dream4 ,upon awakening1 ,gud wondered what the meaning of the dream might be2 and thus he recalled the ,market of ,knowledge1 and went straightway to the shop of the prophet to have his dream interpreted4 ,as he approached the shop he saw a line of people on the sidewalk1 and took his place in the line4 ,as the line moved through the door each one handed the doorkeeper a sum of money4 ,but ,gud said he was a friend of the prophet and was permitted to enter so that he could hear the dreams being interpreted4 ,a man said3 ,i dreamed that ,i once misspelled a word by omitting the letter ',m4' ,that means1 answered the prophet1 that you once knew a girl whose name began with ',m4' ,probably her name was ,mary4 ,a young woman said3 ,i dreamed ,i was an old maid and yet ,i was going to hell4 ,that means1 said the prophet1 that virtue is its own reward4 ,i dreamed1 said a man1 that ,i was dead and in my grave1 and that ,i could hear the clods dropping on my coffin4 ,that means1 interpreted the prophet1 that you are a pessimist1 and that you have that same infernal tin roofing on your house that ,i have on mine--,i heard it raining last night myself4 ,i dreamed1 a young girl related1 that ,i was being run over by a steam roller1 and ,i am anxious to have the dream interpreted because ,i am sure it is very significant4 ,no1 you are mistaken1 explained the prophet4 ,and you ought not to be reading those uncensored books on psychoanalysis1 for they are very suggestive4 ,what your dream really means is that you have something between your teeth and need a toothpick4 ,the analysis is simple4 ,a toothpick was formerly a goose quill--a quill is part of a feather--feathers help birds to fly--airplanes also fly and have engines--so do steam rollers1 the reason steam rollers do not fly is because they roll4 ,said a man3 ,i dreamed that the woman ,i married and whom ,i love very dearly had eloped with the janitor4 ,then ,i woke up and found that she had1 and ,i want to know what it all means4 ,it means1 replied the prophet who was very strong on professional ethics1 that your dream has come true and doesn't need interpreting2 ask the doorkeeper to give you your money back4 ,i dreamed1 related another man1 that ,i had been captured by cannibals2 the fire was roaring2 the pot boiling2 ,i was led forth1 my head laid on the chopping block1 the battle ax was lifted--and then the cannibal chief's daughter rushed forward with a joyous cry and flung herself upon my neck in place of the ax and so ,i was saved4 ,that means1 replied the prophet1 that the sex instinct is stronger than the nutritional instinct4 ,i dreamed1 stated another man1 who was just in front of ,gud1 that ,i was in love with my brother4 ,that means nothing indecent1 expounded the prophet1 because dreams are the voices of the unconscious mind which we inherited from an earlier period of our evolution4 ,homo-sexual dreams merely hark back to the time when we were all asexual creatures1 hence they are entirely proper4 ,by similar psychic law we whitewash dreams of incest1 murder1 torture1 rape1 arson1 cannibalism1 and political graft4 ,all such dreams are perfectly respectable and may be told with pride to your wife1 your mother1 or your pastor1 because they indicate that the unconscious mind is perfectly natural4 ,but there is one dream that should not be told to your wife4 ,to wit3 a dream of polygamy--it is too damned natural4 ,now ,gud had supposed that his friend would recognize him4 ,but the prophet was busy with some figures in a small book and he merely called1 ,next4 ,so ,gud told this dream3 ,i dreamed1 replied ,gud1 that ,i heard a most wonderful melody4 ,but when ,i woke up ,i found that ,i was sleeping near a strawstack and was listening to the braying of a jackass4 ,that means1 replied the prophet1 that you are one too4 ,five dollars please1 and what did you come in here for8 ,when ,i was dealing in black magic and making prophecies by poking into the steaming entrails of virgin goats1 ,i at least had my self-respect4 ,and now you get out of here before ,i call the ,centurian and have you arrested for stealing the subconscious mind of the ,president of our ,academy of ,science4 ,ingratitude is sharper than a woman's tongue2 and when ,gud heard what the prophet said1 he whipped out a ram's horn and blew a withering blast4 ,when the ground trembled with the echo thereof1 all the shops in the ,market of ,knowledge fell down and a great tidal wave swept in from the ,sea of ,trouble4 ,chapter ,,xxxvi ,after everyone else had drowned1 ,gud came up for air4 ,he lit a cigarette and blew a smoke ring and tossed it on the water to see if it would float4 ,it did and so ,gud climbed upon it and sat there cross-legged to wait for his robe to dry4 ,presently he saw a man coming toward him running on the water and carrying a package under one arm and a half-finished manuscript under the other4 ,the man came up panting and out of breath and cried3 ,save me6 ,perhaps1 said ,gud4 ,but what have you in the package8 ,at this the man hurled the package at ,gud and sank into the depths with bubbling groan4 ,gud unwrapped the package and found that it contained three mountains4 ,these ,gud tossed upon the water where they floated equidistant on the surface of the sea4 ,on the first mountain was a man in dire agony of soul4 ,on the second mountain was a beautiful woman about to plunge a dagger into her heart because of her love for the man4 ,on the third mountain was another woman no less beautiful1 and she was about to cast herself into the sea because of her hate of the woman who loved the man4 ,but ,gud1 who knew all things1 was not interested in what would happen next2 and1 his robe being dry1 he arose and walked leisurely away on the water and did not once look back4 ,tiring of walking on the water ,gud looked about for a conveyance4 ,just then a deep-sea fish came to the surface and winked at ,gud with his glassy eye4 ,i came up to see if ,i could find out1 said the fish1 who that fellow was who came tumbling down into my depths a little while ago4 ,why do you wish to know8 asked ,gud4 ,because1 replied the fish1 ,i feel as if ,i had swallowed a theological discussion and it is giving me indigestion4 ,suppose you turn over and let the sun shine on your belly1 suggested ,gud4 ,sunlight is very healing4 ,thanks1 but my belly is white and ,i do not wish to have it sunburned--but who do you suppose is coming in yonder boat8 ,when the boat came nearer ,gud and the fish saw that the boat also contained a man and two women4 ,the man was talking4 ,suppose1 said he1 that the boat should upset3 neither of you can swim1 and what would ,i do8 ,for ,i could not save you both4 ,i could not let my dear old mother drown and yet how could ,i let my beautiful wife drown8 ,if ,i had realized how ,i was going to worry about it1 ,i should have insisted on going to the mountains for our vacation4 ,upon hearing the man's words the two women set up a great weeping4 ,i wonder1 said ,gud1 which one he would save6 ,let's find out1 laughed the fish2 and without further ado he dived beneath the boat and upset it with a mighty stroke of his great scaly tail4 ,help6 screamed the mother4 ,help6 gurgled the young wife4 ,now ,i am in a devil of a fix1 groaned the man1 which ever one ,i save1 the neighbors will say ,i should have saved the other one4 ,and he started off alone swimming rapidly toward the shore4 ,then the fish remembered that the young wife was quite plump--even if she wasn't beautiful as her husband had said she was1 so he dived deep into the sea and left ,gud standing there on the water without a blessed thing to do and nothing to think about4 ,and now a wind came sighing over the deep blue sea1 and little ripples stirred upon the surface of the water1 and then the wind came soughing over the roughened sea1 and larger wavelets raced and ran atop the cold1 damp water4 ,and soon the wind began to howl and tear the wild1 wet sea1 and mighty waves began to break and toss and splatter--and it made ,gud seasick4 ,so he began to wonder why the waves kept going on and leaving him behind4 ,the more he thought about it1 the more it worried him2 and finally it occurred to ,gud that he was opposing the waves subconsciously4 ,so he sublimated his subconscious conflict and harmonized his ego with the spirit of the waves1 and when the next wave hit him he rode atop it like a cat on the ridgepole of a cabin going down the river in a ,june rise4 ,as the wave struck the shore1 it began to break and make breakers4 ,as soon as it was broke1 ,gud dismounted and strolled along the beach looking for flotsam and jetsam4 ,he didn't find any1 so he picked up a jeweled casket and started to wonder with a great curiosity what it contained4 ,then suddenly1 he tossed the jeweled casket aside without even examining the padlock1 for he had remembered that he knew all things and hence could not wonder nor possess curiosity4 ,but upon further consideration he realized that lack of wonder and curiosity on his part would kill all the suspense in his story1 so he began to wonder what the wild waves were saying1 and why sea shells are pink inside1 and what the ink-fish was writing on the sands of time4 ,gud pondered these things as he walked along the beach until he saw before him a series of shallow depressions4 ,at first he thought they were ordinary soul tracks4 ,then he looked again and gave forth a low whistle of surprise and amazement and bent low to examine the footprints--and shrank back in horror1 for they were stained a deep crimson4 ,cautiously ,gud touched his finger to the stain and examined it critically4 ',tis blood6 he cried4 ,gud began to trail the stained footprints along the beach and followed them until they turned and led into the sea4 ,at the edge of the water he paused and sighed1 for his robe was now nicely dehydrated4 ,but curiosity is a compelling instinct and wonder a powerful emotion2 and so ,gud followed the trail as it led down the sloping beach and on down along the bottom of the sea4 ,at last the trail led to a rocky cavern where phosphorescent eyes stared out of opalescent water4 ,here the trail came finally to an end as it entered a door in the side of a barnacle-covered hull of an ancient galley4 ,and what is this place8 asked ,gud of a mermaid1 who was sitting on one of the ship's knees3 and what bold criminal with a blood-stained trail has entered here8 ,can't you read8 retorted the mermaid4 ,the sign tells you plainly enough that this is our ,deep-,sea ,butcher ,shop1 and he who just now entered was the butcher's boy1 who had been up on the shore to get some red-blooded meat4 ,we tire dreadfully down here of having seven ,fridays in a week4 ,and now if you will quit being silly and playing at amateur detective ,i will sing you a song4 ,and so she sang3 ,chapter ,,xxxvii ,it was a soulful song he sung1 ,a doleful song sang he1 ,for in the sun her body swung ,high on the gallows' tree4 ,the loathsome vultures swooped among ,the shadows hungrily1 ,as though awaiting for the dung ,that swayed there horribly4 ,then as a distant church bell rung ,slowly1 peacefully1 ,out through the night a mad cry flung ,red echoes suddenly4 ,a mad cry1 then the silence clung ,o'er sky and shore and sea2 ,he dead below1 and she that hung ,high on the gallows' tree4 ,chapter ,,xxxviii ,oh1 listen to the mocking bird6 cried the crustacean4 ,ha1 ha6 laughed the crinoid1 that is only a mock turtle4 ,oh ,h#b,o6 snorted the good red herring1 you talk like a fish out of water4 ,she has a necklace of shark's teeth1 whispered the jealous water baby4 ,and a pearl without a price1 piped the sea lady4 ,but why do mermaids have fish tales to tell8 demanded ,gud4 ,i don't know1 answered the deep sea diver1 who was looking for the treasure4 ,but they call ',twenty ,thousand ,leagues ,under the ,sea' prophetic fiction1 but you can't shoot a rifle under water without blowing your head off4 ,just then the ,underdog barked at the copycat and ,gud woke up and realized that all this marine stuff was just the subconscious yearning of a writer born in the short grass country to imitate ,conrad1 and that he1 ,gud1 was still lying in the pasture1 and that the snow had changed to rain and his feet were wet4 ,chapter ,,xxxix ,and old ,giasticuticus ,stood on a mountain side1 ,his right legs shorter than his left1 ,and scratched his tough1 thick hide4 ,i live upon a bias1 true1 ,with legs ,i'd like to hide1 ,but that arose from dwelling here ,upon the mountain side4 ,chapter ,,xl ,and ,gud came upon a paradise1 its streets of hammered gold4 ,iridescent fountains played beneath o'er-hanging palms1 and gentle breezes1 wafting through the glistening latticery of ornate edifice1 made music soft and low that lulled of peace and quiet and eternal joy4 ,here was a paradise prepared for most exacting saints4 ,gud strolled its million leagues about and wondered why there was no sign of occupants4 ,these heavenly mansions were not newly built but rather spoke of use4 ,while all the major structures were intact1 the minor furnishings gave evidence of chaos and disorder4 ,this paradise1 it seemed to ,gud1 had once o'erflown with life1 but now was empty and abandoned4 ,all this puzzled ,gud and worried him4 ,he was familiar with the ruins of many a paradise that had been smashed and broken by rebellion or by war1 but his mind could find no reason why a heaven so fine as this should be deserted1 and yet remain in such fair state of preservation4 ,the most likely theory which he could conceive1 was that some pestilence had raged and stripped the place of every living soul4 ,over this ,gud cogitated4 ,had it been a dwelling place of mortal flesh1 a pestilence would have left its tell-tale stench or whitening bones4 ,but immortal souls--how could pestilence have slain them8 ,his theory thus became a paradox or worse yet a dilemma1 and either one is harrowing to the mind4 ,so ,gud started out again in search of facts4 ,after much meandering he was rewarded by finding himself looking down into a high-walled garden1 most beautiful of any spot that he had yet discovered4 ,and better still1 he noted signs of life4 ,he hastened to descend1 that he might explore the garden4 ,it was there beneath a bower that he found a female soul most radiant4 ,she was sitting on a gorgeous purple rock1 and singing1 and knitting as she sang1 while all about her1 tumbling on the grass in a most completely idiotic fashion1 were little souls at play4 ,good morning1 said ,gud4 ,the soul stared up at him in most incredulous manner and replied2 ,i thought they were all dead4 ,with much patient questioning1 ,gud wrested from this soul1 alone in a vast heaven--save for the little souls that played most idiotically upon the grass--a tale of a paradise gone wrong because of a theological blunder4 ,it was a tedious tale and she who sat knitting there upon the purple rock told it to ,gud in broken fragments of narration4 ,first she related how the place had been peopled by all the host of souls passed over from a certain muddy sphere1 and who came to this heaven as the result of faith in a most liberal theology that promised universal salvation to saint alike with sinner4 ,and so they all in one triumphal procession came to claim the rewards and demand the fulfillment of the promises4 ,and yet they had not tarried--none but she who told the tale and the bevy of little tumbling spirits1 who were none other than the souls of idiotic babes born into their material world of long ago1 deaf and blind as they were imbecile4 ,gud suspected1 even as the tale unfolded1 that there had been some fearful blunder in the promises2 and right enough he was1 for the ninth promise of their creed had been1 ,then ye shall know the truth4 ,so all the myriads of saved souls1 who had cherished the promises1 had come to know the truth as it had been promised them4 ,when they arose in glittering gowns and halos bright upon that ,resurrection ,morn and started singing1 one by one and then by twos and tens and soon by scores and thousands they remembered all that they had wished to know of all their pasts and ponderings4 ,and to their minds1 reborn to omniscience of the truth of what had been as it had really been1 came also the memories of what they thought had been4 ,the books of hymns had fallen from their hands1 and voices lost the key and shrieked in agony4 ,insane ravings1 babblings and cursing smote the air of heaven4 ,chaos reigned supreme and all the hosts of heaven went raving mad and babbled as they raved4 ,chapter ,,xli ,i buy my clothes in high-priced shops2 ,my collars match my shirts2 ,i swing a dapper cane with ease ,and ogle all the skirts4 ,i follow the ads in the ,satevepost2 ,i have picked the car to buy2 ,i read the ,book of ,etiquette1 ,and ,sappho on the sly4 ,a bit of my handkerchief always shows ,in a pocket of my coat4444 ,i carry a letter next to my heart ,that a movie actress wrote4 ,i said to a lady ,i flirted with3 ,i'm a gent6 ,but then she ran1 ,though over her shoulder sweetly said3 ,that's a third of a gentleman6 ,chapter ,,xlii ,and ,gud came to a great ,republic and sat himself down at meat in a tavern of the capital city thereof4 ,said the damsel who came to serve him3 ,alas1 there is no meat1 for we have civil war1 and all the meat is requisitioned for the soldiers4 ,when she had said that a volley of guns sounded in the street4 ,gud looked out of the window and saw two armies firing at each other4 ,the one army was composed of men richly garbed1 and the other of men poorly clad1 and the rich men and the poor men were killing each other4 ,seizing the white table linen1 ,gud went out into the midst of the murderous armies and waved the table linen peacefully4 ,the ,general of the ,rich ,men and the ,general of the ,poor ,men rushed up angrily to ,gud and both demanded in aggrieved tones to know why he was peacefully interfering with the war4 ,because1 said ,gud1 ,the soldiers are eating all the meat4 ,but1 cried the generals1 you have stopped the war--and now what shall we do8 ,we had tried the courts2 we had tried the ballot2 we had tried arbitration and all failed4 ,so we resorted to war1 which is the last resort of civilized people1 and we do not wish to revert to savagery4 ,i stopped the war1 said ,gud1 because ,i dislike to have the streets covered with blood--it makes them slippery1 but ,i am sorry4 ,is there anything ,i can do to help you start it again8 ,the generals shook their heads sadly1 for they saw that the ,poor ,men and the ,rich ,men were fraternizing and exchanging cigarettes1 and they knew that the war was over4 ,i wonder1 said ,gud1 since ,i spoiled the war1 if you would mind telling me what it was all about8 ,gladly1 said the generals1 and they invited ,gud into the tavern--and now the damsel brought meat which ,gud ate1 while the generals of the late war related the cause thereof4 ,it so happened1 they said1 that we wished to erect a shrine to the ,president of our ,republic while he was yet alive to be worshipped therein4 ,the rich men gave the money and the poor men held their hats to receive it4 ,when the money was gathered1 the committee took it to our beloved ,president and asked him the manner of shrine he would have4 ,and our ,president said3 ',all that any man is1 his mother made him--therefore ,i ask that the shrine shall consist of a great gallery1 and in this gallery shall hang the portrait of my mother4' ,so our committee called upon all the artists and they selected the two best4 ,one artist's name was ,jake ,smith1 and he was born naked into the world amidst dire poverty and considerable adversity1 but he had become a great artist for all that and had painted the portraits of many rich and be-jeweled ladies4 ,and the other artist bore the name of ,glengary ,du ,peyster1 and he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth2 but in spite of that he also learned to paint1 and he had searched out all the poor and wretched old women of our slums and hovels and painted of them very great pictures4 ,when these artists took samples of their work to show to our ,president1 he said3 ',you may both paint my mother1 and then my mother shall decide which is the best painting4' ',very well1' said the artists1 'will you conduct us to her home8' ,so the ,president took them to a little flat in ,k ,street where lived a poor1 blind widow and he said3 ',artists1 meet my mother6' ,glengary ,du ,peyster was over-joyed1 for this was the kind of a woman he could paint best1 and he wished to send immediately for his canvas and brushes4 ,but it was not to be so1 for the ,president now conducted the artists to a mansion in ,d ,street1 and here in a great hall hung with tapestry and shaded lights was a fine old lady1 and the president said again3 ',artists1 meet my mother6' ,and now it was ,jake ,smith's time to rejoice2 and he glared at ,glengary ,du ,peyster1 and neither of them durst speak their thoughts4 ,then the ,president took them both back to his official residence and feasted them on grouse and wine1 and as they sat about their cigars ,jake ,smith said3 ',mr4 ,president1 which is your mother8' ',alas1' said our great ,president1 ',i do not know4' ,at this both artists lost their artistic tempers and rushed into the street4 ,as the news-makers gathered about them1 they told what had happened and what the president had said1 and it was published abroad in our great ,republic1 together with photos of the two women1 each of whom the ,president had introduced as his mother4 ,then our citizens warmed to heated arguments and gathered themselves into two parties1 the poor to themselves under the leadership of ,jake ,smith1 for they agreed with him that our great ,president should have a fine and noble lady for his mother4 ,but the rich1 under the leadership of ,glengary ,du ,peyster said3 ',surely our ,president was born of the poor and lowly mother1 how else can we be a true republic1 where all men are born free and equal8' ,that is very interesting1 said ,gud as he took another forkful of meat1 but why did you not ask the women themselves8 ,we did ask them1 said the leaders of the late war1 but both said they did not know4 ,so we thought war was the only way to settle the matter4 ,and now you have spoiled the war1 which is the last resort of civilized people1 and we shall surely revert to savagery4 ,the following day ,gud was conducted with great pomp and ceremony to the ,hall of ,justice1 where he sat down upon the judge's bench4 ,said ,gud to the ,president of the great ,republic1 who was there in his own person3 ,bring in your poor mother and put her on the witness stand4 ,the ,president did so1 and ,gud saw before him a stooped1 wrinkled and blind creature who was poorly dressed but neat and clean4 ,now1 said ,gud in his most kindly tone1 we will dispense with the swearing and you may tell me all that happened in your own language4 ,believe me1 your honor1 said the poor mother1 it was no fault of mine1 for ,i was blind and how could ,i tell which one was which8 ,you see1 ,i was a widow1 because my husband died by the falling on him of a stone in the quarry when he was getting out rocks for the cellar of the house of ,eben ,gratz4 ,and so when they buried him ,i was left all by myself1 but for the babe that was coming4 ,when it came it was a twin and they both cried just alike1 so that ,i could not tell which one was which4 ,and nobody had ever seen them until the day ,i heard a fine automobile driving up the road1 purring like a cat fed upon cream4 ,it stopped by my cabin and a lady with a rustly gown got out and came into the cabin4 ,i sat waiting for her to speak to me1 thinking that perhaps in her rich kindness she might have brought some clothes for my twins4 ,i heard her go to the old cow trough where the twins were lying under the horse blanket4 ,then1 without saying a word1 she rustled out again and was gone4 ,and presently the twins began to cry and ,i could tell now that they did not cry alike1 and ,i knew that she had stolen one of my babies and left another in its place4 ,so ,i raised them up as best ,i could4 ,the girl she was good and dutiful and married a good man4 ,but the boy1 he was smart and did not marry anybody2 and he became the ,president of his country just as ,i knew he would4 ,while ,i am not saying whether he is my son or not1 ,i can not say he isn't2 and he can't1 either1 because he can't remember whether it was himself or his sister that was brought that day by the fine lady and exchanged for his brother4 ,so you see1 sir1 just how it is4 ,gud did not see1 but disliked to admit it1 so he asked that the rich mother of the ,president of the ,great ,republic be brought also before him4 ,as she came into the room he saw what a grand old lady she was1 for she walked erect and proud and her manners were queenly and stately1 and ,gud could see how she impressed all the poor men in the courtroom with her greatness4 ,when the rich mother of the ,president began speaking in a low1 melodious voice that quivered with emotion1 she said3 ,your honor1 there is naught ,i can tell save to confess that when my child was born ,i was so overwhelmed with maternal emotion that ,i became ambitious for my child4 ,but ,i knew that ,i was rich and lived in a mansion and that riches are a handicap to any child4 ,i recalled that it was always the boys born in log cabins and nurtured in poverty that became our great men1 and presidents of our great ,republic4 ,so ,i took my darling babe with me in my car and drove out into the mountains where the soil was rocky and the people were poor1 and finally ,i came to a very picturesque log cabin that had only three sides4 ,i stopped the car1 and took my own child and stole toward the cabin and peeped in4 ,there sat a poor1 blind1 widowed mother knitting with a ball of coarse yarn4 ,and over in the corner ,i saw a cow trough and a horse blanket and it was from there that the cry of the child came4 ,so ,i stole over and raised the blanket and saw there the faces of two sweet babes4 ,i closed my eyes and tore off the wrappings from my own child and quietly placed him in the trough2 and then1 seizing one of the babes in the trough1 ,i wrapped it in the silken robes ,i had taken from my own child and hastened back to my car4 ,the child ,i stole1 when he learned to talk1 told me that he was a boy4 ,pardon me1 madame1 interrupted ,gud1 but what was the sex of your own child that you left in the cow trough8 ,at the question the refined lady blushed painfully4 ,do not insult me1 sir1 she said icily4 ,then she continued3 ,i raised this child of the poor blind widow and he became the best dancer of the younger set4 ,but while ,i lavished on him all of a fond mother's care1 deep in my heart was the love for my own child that ,i had so bravely committed to the care of the poor blind widow in the log cabin with only three sides4 ,so ,i employed detectives to keep secret watch about the cabin1 and when the two children were old enough to be dressed distinctively the detective reported to me that one was a boy and one was a girl4 ,it was then that ,i realized my grievous error in exchanging my own child for one of two twins1 for ,i could not know whether the boy or the girl was my own child4 ,so ,i waited to see how they would turn out4 ,and when the girl married a clam digger down on the river ,i decided to say nothing to her4 ,but when the boy worked his way through college by delivering milk before dawn1 ,i sent for him and confessed to him that ,i was either his mother or his sister's mother4 ,so from that day to this he has been a dutiful son to me as well as to the poor blind widow who may also be his mother4 ,and when he was elected ,president of our ,great ,republic1 both she and ,i rejoiced4 ,all would be well1 if only his love for his mother had not prompted him to wish to have her painting hung in the memorial shrine4 ,that is all ,i have to confess4 ,chapter ,,xliii ,who shall say that his love was not good ,for the dummy of cloth and wax and wood8 ,i know that more curious things exist ,than the love of a dreaming ventriloquist4 ,he liked to perch her on his knee ,combing her black hair lovingly1 ,then talk by the hour just as though ,she understood and ought to know4 ,her chatter merged with his and twice1 ,i know1 he struck her 444 it wasn't nice4 ,repenting1 he bought her costly things-- ,gowns1 rare necklaces and rings4 ,one night they found him on the floor ,stark dead 444 each year ,i wonder more ,why1 killing himself1 he never wrote ,of the dagger he sank in her wooden throat4 ,chapter ,,xliv ,now the fame of ,gud's wisdom was broadcast about1 so that important personages of other worlds came and laid their problems at the feet of ,gud and begged of him solutions4 ,among them were two citizens of a world that was in dire distress4 ,and one of these citizens was a ,keeper of ,morals of his sphere1 and the other was the ,vital ,statistician4 ,to ,gud the ,statistician said3 ,our world is full1 so that there is no more room for further population1 and ,i have therefore ordered that the issue of birth permits be curtailed4 ,and in doing so1 cried the ,keeper of ,morals1 you have ignored the law which bade us be fruitful and multiply4 ,that have ,i done1 replied the ,statistician1 because the facts have obsoleted the law4 ,our world is full1 and what good would it do to issue more birth permits when there is no more room to be born into8 ,but you should make room1 protested the ,keeper of ,morals1 by issuing more death permits4 ,surely it is not as great a sin to die as it is not to be born4 ,but ,i insist1 declared the ,statistician1 that to issue more death permits than there are people ready to sicken and die would be to encourage suicide and murder4 ,do you countenance such unmoral ways of dying8 ,certainly not1 retorted the ,keeper of ,morals1 suicide and murder are crimes4 ,we must not encourage them1 but neither must we discourage births1 for we are commanded to be fruitful and multiply4 ,i agree with you1 said ,gud1 addressing himself to the ,keeper of ,morals1 in your belief that it is wrong to discourage births1 and also wrong to encourage deaths--for unrestricted birth and unpremeditated death are great moral principles and nothing must be allowed to interfere with them4 ,exactly1 replied the ,keeper of ,morals1 yet this ,statistician is interfering by producing his unwelcome facts4 ,he tells us that our world is full and that there is room in it for not a single being more4 ,gud turned to the ,statistician and demanded3 ,is this fact that you have produced a true fact or is it only a statistical fact8 ,and the ,statistician replied3 ,the fact is a true fact4 ,indeed1 when we left to come here to consult you1 we were obliged to make dummies and leave them in our places so that we would find room for ourselves when we returned4 ,all this ,i can readily prove to you1 if you will come with us and see for yourself that there is room in our world for not a single being more4 ,it is not necessary for me to go out of my way1 said ,gud1 to see your world1 but ,i will send for it4 ,and ,gud called ,fidu and commanded the ,underdog to go and fetch the world from whence his visitors came4 ,so ,fidu went and fetched that world1 and brought it and laid it at the feet of ,gud4 ,gud looked upon that world and saw that the fact of its fullness was a true fact and that there was room thereon for not a single being more4 ,so ,gud turned and said to the ,keeper of ,morals3 ,the fact of the absolute fullness of your world is a true fact and also obvious and incontrovertible4 ,what do you propose to do about it8 ,why1 nothing1 ,your ,deity1 replied the ,keeper of ,morals1 it is not my business to deal with facts when they interfere with morals--,i merely ignore them4 ,then1 asked ,gud1 why quarrel you with this ,statistician8 ,why do you not let him and his facts alone8 ,and that ,i should do gladly1 if he would but let me and my morals alone1 but he is withholding the issuing of birth permits4 ,so ,gud addressed the ,statistician and said3 ,why do you not let this man and his morals alone8 ,because1 the ,statistician made reply1 his morals are incompatible with my facts1 which are3 ,first1 our world is absolutely full3 ,second1 there can be no more births than deaths3 ,third1 we must either issue more death permits or cease to issue so many birth permits4 ,that is absolutely logic1 yet this ,moralist refuses to accept it4 ,i certainly do1 shouted the ,moralist4 ,away with your sinful facts and your wicked logic6 ,the morality of our world must be preserved at all costs4 ,we must not encourage murder nor suicide1 nor dare we discourage births1 for that is also murder of those who would be born1 and so it is race suicide4 ,on these moral principles ,i stand as on the rock of truth1 and no torrents of facts or floods of logic can dislodge me4 ,you will have to admit1 argued ,gud1 addressing the ,vital ,statistician1 that the ,moralist has the courage of his convictions4 ,therefore the great truth of moral principle should be regarded above the smaller truths of material facts and mental logic--and many of the inhabitants of your world1 if ,i know mortal nature1 will agree with me4 ,sad but true1 agreed the ,statistician4 ,i am only able to hold my job because ,i am under civil service and not subject to popular election4 ,but you1 ,great ,gud1 appear to me to be a rational being4 ,oh1 yes1 confessed ,gud1 ,i am quite rational at times2 but from the nature of my position it is only right that ,i should uphold morality when it clashes with rationality1 as ,i regret to say it often does4 ,because ,i must do this1 ,i can see both sides of the case1 which neither of you gentlemen can4 ,so to me the solution is very simple1 and will outrage neither morals nor reason4 ,murder and suicide must not be encouraged1 births must not be limited1 yet your world is full4 ,obviously1 you must proceed to empty it4 ,there is only one moral way to do that4 ,you must have a war--preferably a righteous war4 ,that requires a cause with two right sides4 ,such causes are plentiful4 ,any question that can be looked at from two sides1 either of which1 when looked at rightly is the right side1 will serve as the cause for a righteous war4 ,this dispute that you gentlemen bring me will do nicely4 ,let the moralists fight for their moral principles and the rationalists fight for their facts4 ,but1 interrupted the ,statistician1 my side would have very few adherents2 men do not fight to defend facts4 ,we would be overwhelmed by superior numbers and annihilated4 ,certainly1 said ,gud1 what more could you expect if you espouse an unpopular cause8 ,but why stand here babbling8 ,see1 your valorous enemy has already returned to his followers and is calling them to arms4 ,why do you not hasten to join your colors8 ,thanks1 replied the ,statistician1 but ,i left a dummy in my place and ,i am going to stay right here and count the stars4 ,chapter ,,xlv ,passing a heap of fossil platitudes ,gud came to an oasis in a ,desert of ,righteousness and saw nineteen pretty murderers hanging in a row4 ,there also he saw the couple who were parted at the altar1 a woman who had lost her intuition1 and a herd of ambitious animals who believed in the transmigration of souls4 ,gud entered the caravansary of the place and bargained with the keeper thereof to make a supper with meat and wine--after which there should be dancing4 ,to the supper1 ,gud bade a ,skeptic1 a ,cynic1 a ,critic and a ,cryptic4 ,and ,gud and his guests made merry4 ,gud blew four halos of phosphorescent smoke and gave one to each of his guests4 ,whereupon they were flattered and waxed loquacious1 and the ,cynic said to ,gud3 ,if you had not insisted on following that ,impossible ,curve1 but had come here by the straight way1 how much sooner you would have joined us4 ,true1 agreed the ,critic1 but the straight and narrow way would have seemed much further1 for it lies wholly in the ,desert of ,righteousness4 ,but most of all ,i hate to see1 remarked the ,cynic1 is a female cat sitting on a gravestone in the moonlight1 after ,i carefully killed her the day before4 ,quite true1 replied the ,cryptic1 with a weary shrug4 ,chapter ,,xlvi ,then the ,skeptic related to ,gud some of the gossip of the place4 ,we have here1 said he1 a powerful sheik who rules over this oasis in the ,desert of ,righteousness4 ,the sheik being old1 had twenty young wives2 and each of these wives had a lover4 ,came a time when the old sheik went on a journey but returned a day before he was expected4 ,finding only one of his wives in the harem1 he called the masons and walled up the windows and doors of the place1 and that is why the nineteen pretty murderers are hanging in a row4 ,but1 said ,gud1 the story seems incomplete4 ,not at all1 replied the ,skeptic1 it is only that you do not understand our laws and customs4 ,these things are relative1 you know4444 ,if you will listen well1 spoke up the ,cryptic1 ,i will expound relativity to you4 ,now1 if a man should buy a lot on time and the lot had but two dimensions1 then if time should be destroyed1 could the real estate agent justly demand payment for the lot8 ,why1 certainly1 answered ,gud4 ,is not the ,impossible ,curve in the ,nth dimension8 ,but ,i have not told you yet1 interrupted the ,skeptic1 what the old sheik did4 ,you see1 he felt so remorseful that he endowed a ,school of ,theological ,mathematics1 and each year he grants a doctor's dilemma to the young man who can most nearly solve the problem of the trinity4 ,what is the solution8 asked ,gud4 ,we do not know1 replied the ,skeptic1 for as yet no man has ever solved it4 ,but ,i was explaining relativity to our host1 cried the ,cryptic1 and you interrupt me with this trifling gossip4 ,now1 if a mass of silence traveling at the speed of light1 should be deflected by a caricature of a phantom magnetic force1 would the energy engendered-- ,but at that moment the keeper of the caravansary appeared in the doorway and looked upon ,gud questioningly4 ,gud nodded to him approvingly1 whereupon five beautiful damsels entered dancing to flats and sharps1 and flute and cymbal4 ,so the discussion of relativity was forgotten1 as all things of the intellect are forgotten1 when damsels young and beautiful dance to lute and timbrel4 ,after there had been much joyous dancing1 the ,cynic plucked at ,gud's sleeve and asked3 ,who be these beautiful damsels1 who dance so divinely1 and whence came they8 ,and ,gud made answer and said3 ,these damsels be the daughters of the ,pope1 but ,i know not whence they came4 ,chapter ,,xlvii ,and it came to pass that as ,gud was making a long journey to a certain place he neared a wayside inn1 and being weary he entered and found six characters drinking tea4 ,good evening1 spoke ,gud4 ,why are you drinking tea8 ,we are drinking tea1 replied the ,clerical ,collar1 so that we can engage in theological disputation without cutting one another's throats4 ,what is the dispute about8 asked ,gud4 ,the ,black ,bathrobe made answer and said3 ,it concerns our belief in ,gud4 ,may ,i join you8 inquired ,gud4 ,delighted6 cried the ,vest with the ,silver ,horseshoes1 not recognizing the caller4 ,gud sat down and the ,clerical ,collar poured him a cup of hot water1 but neglected to pass him the tea ball4 ,not wishing to attract attention to the oversight1 which he realized was due to the host's being absorbed in spiritual matters1 ,gud was about to convert the water into tea by a miracle4 ,upon second thought he refrained1 lest the display of miraculous power would reveal his incognito4 ,still ,gud did not like the idea of drinking water straight2 so instead of performing a miracle he reached over and helped himself to the tea ball--noting1 as he did so1 how much simpler it is to get results by natural laws than by unnecessary miracles4 ,the venerable ,beard being less wrought up over the disputation1 explained the nature of the meeting to the newcomer4 ,said he3 ,we are all worshipers and ministers of the one true ,gud1 having been born and baptised in the faith and duly ordained in its ministry4 ,but of late certain heresies have arisen among us1 and we are gathered here to ferret out the heretic and bring him to the bar of ecclesiastical justice4 ,sad to confess1 ,i find that ,i alone have remained staunch in our faith1 which is founded on the rock of unchanging truth4 ,liar1 cried out the ,spectacles of the ,student1 we modernists are also staunch in the faith2 it is merely the conceit of fundamentalist bigotry to argue that truth cannot be changed4 ,indeed1 it must be changed or intelligent people will cease to believe it4 ,you are more accurate than expedient1 admonished the ,vest with the ,silver ,horseshoes4 ,the faith of the people is waning fast1 but it will never be restored by your muddled mixtures of science and psychology4 ,what is needed is a great faith-arousing event1 such as the trial and burning of a heretic1 and for that purpose are we assembled here4 ,sad1 but true1 agreed the ,threadbare ,coat4 ,any burning at the stake would tend to revive faith1 but the revival would be much stronger if the burning flesh savored of heresy4 ,what8 shrieked the horrified ,spectacles of the ,student4 ,is it necessary to burn human flesh in this modern age8 ,would it not do quite as well to set fire to a cage of black cats8 ,surely the burning of cats would create a stench that would smell to high heaven4 ,tut1 tut1 sniffed the ,clerical ,collar4 ,then the ,venerable ,beard spoke up nobly4 ,the red hand of heresy grapples white faith by the throat4 ,what is the use of all our theological blue laws if the black heart of atheism continues to control our yellow press8 ,softly1 softly1 ,brother1 the ,threadbare ,coat made answer2 ,it is not charitable1 neither is it wise1 to bite the hand that feeds the press4 ,do not worry1 replied the ,vest with the ,silver ,horseshoes4 ,i never let my theological hand know what my secular hand doeth4 ,let us proceed to business4 ,the burning of any heretic is good for a headline4 ,the ,spectacles of the ,student now arose in righteous indignation1 pointed a finger of contempt at the ,vest with the ,silver ,horseshoes and cried3 ,do not tell me that you merely wish to burn a heretic to make news for your paper4 ,i know why you are a fundamentalist4 ,you have a monopoly on the oil6 ,young man1 you betray your ignorance1 spake the ,clerical ,collar4 ,the church has its own oil reserves4 ,but we should save the oil to pour on troubled waters1 suggested the ,threadbare ,coat2 and that we could do if we had an obese heretic who would burn in his own fat4 ,the ,vest with the ,silver ,horseshoes became self-conscious4 ,there is no necessity of my being the martyr1 he said4 ,i am already known to the masses4 ,moreover a heretic1 to burn brilliantly1 must have ideas1 not mere fat4 ,a look of great fear now came into the ,spectacles of the ,student1 who cried out3 ,you all assume because you see a light in my attic that ,i am burning the midnight candle at both ends in search of ideas2 but ,i tell you it is the light of faith that shines from my window4 ,what use is a false faith8 retorted the ,clerical ,collar4 ,i know that my faith alone is the true faith1 because my mother told me it was so4 ,but ,i will reveal the heretic to you4 ,and he pointed an accusing finger at the ,venerable ,beard4 ,if you have no respect for my grey hairs1 wailed the accused1 ,i will pluck them out4 ,and he seized his beard and tore it from his face4 ,do not think1 brother1 replied the ,clerical ,collar1 that by doing penance with self-torture1 you can avoid the stake4 ,moreover you should feel honored at my charge1 for ,i do not accuse you of any petty heresy1 such as doubting that the eclipse of our moon is for the purpose of hiding the angels at their baths4 ,i accuse you of the ,heresis ,maximus1 that you doubt the virgin father6 ,why1 how absurd6 remarked ,gud naively4 ,there never was one to doubt4 ,no sooner were these words out of the mouth of ,gud than the six characters in search of a heretic pounced in frenzied joy upon him4 ,binding him with chains of iron and fetters of brass1 they dragged him forth to the heretical pyre1 to which the ,vest of the ,silver ,horseshoes applied the torch1 while the presses hummed with the news of the burning4 ,but as the flames licked hot about the feet of ,gud1 he slipped his chains2 and blazing with ethereal fire that dulled the smoke of intolerance and the smudge of inquisition1 ,gud1 the martyr1 arose in a flame of splendor4 ,and using the stars as stepping stones1 he strode across the heavens to the place where he was going--for he had an assignation there4 ,chapter ,,xlviii ,she came toward ,gud with an arch smile4 ,in fact1 her smile was very arch4 ,her brows were also arched4 ,but her nose was as straight as the road to ,hell and her lashes were curved as the new-born moon4 ,they were also long and drooping4 ,her eyes were opalescent1 her complexion translucent1 her forehead high1 and her cheekbones low4 ,she had a cupid's bow mouth and her lips were very ruby4 ,her teeth were like genuine pearls and her chin was dimpled and single4 ,when she spoke to ,gud her voice was as musical as the song the silkworms sing4 ,and when ,gud spoke to her1 she sighed in ecstasy of lavender-scented flattery1 and her eyelids drooped like languid draperies across a seacoal fire4 ,i have brought my book1 she murmeled as she reached into her corsage and drew forth a manuscript bound with skins of humming birds4 ,may ,i read it to you8 ,it's title is ',art and ,wealth and ,anatomy ,sesame4' ,she opened the book at random--which is the proper way to open any non-fiction book written by a woman--and her voice warbled as she read3 ,the lambent enoughness of atomless ultraness vegetateth for eons in ultramarine slime and thence crawleth hencely1 attaining esoteric power by the sublimation of the egomania into splenetic colorature which by chemic vortices electrifying plasmic erotifcanaticism ascends to organic indefinability and multitudinous indefinity1 and soareth toward the inordinate fulfillment of superconscious metapsychoses4 ,she of the dimpled and single chin1 laid aside her manuscript and stared reproachfully at ,gud4 ,do you comprehend it8 she beseeched4 ,why1 certainly4 ,but what does it mean8 said ,gud1 who was always willing to increase his knowledge if he could do so without interfering with his previous beliefs4 ,it is a new theory1 replied the ruby lips1 of the conquest of anatomy4 ,this theory is based on the hypotheses that the organ called the brain is nothing but an adventitous1 radio-active tumor that yields two secretions4 ,the external secretion is what is called the mind and the internal secretion is known as the soul4 ,from this hypothesis there follows the tetravalent truth3 ,all life is anatomy4 ,all anatomy is matter4 ,all matter is nothing4 ,therefore nothing matters4 ,then why bother about it8 asked ,gud4 ,but she did not answer1 for her drooping eyes had again sought the open book that lay on her dimpled knees1 and her voice whippled and yodeled as she read4 ,the immortal soul is destroyed by the psychic spirit4 ,the psychic spirit is destroyed by the mental psyche4 ,the mental psyche is destroyed by the rational mind4 ,the rational mind is destroyed by the common sense4 ,the common sense is destroyed by the emotion4 ,the emotion is destroyed by the instinct4 ,the instinct is destroyed by the physiology4 ,the physiology is destroyed by the anatomy4444 ,how do you like my eyes8 ,very1 said ,gud1 for your pupils shine as unborn souls of ,may-green stars floating in the nebulous nonentity4 ,after which her butler came to say that ,messrs4 ,confucius and ,buddha were calling4 ,chapter ,,xlix ,we have built our own skyscrapers ,out of slender metal girders1 ,we have flung our shining cities1 ,reaped our harvests from the sod4444 ,with our paths of empire crimson ,from a list of countless murders1 ,we go shrieking down the darkness1 ,bent on worshipping a god4 ,chapter ,l ,gud came around a bend in the ,impossible ,curve and lo1 the ,curve broadened into a great highway which was very smooth4 ,the way had been rough before1 so ,gud now rejoiced and struck his staff gleefully on the pavement1 as he walked on in the middle of the great highway4 ,but ere he had progressed far1 there came from behind him an agonizing shriek1 as of a man being flayed alive because he loved his neighbor's wife4 ,the agonizing shriek startled ,gud1 so that he leaped sideways rather spryly--considering that he was not slender4 ,just as he leaped1 a chariot rushed by with the speed of light1 which is the speed limit4 ,had ,gud been less spry he would have ended fatally1 the chariot would not have stopped1 and ,gud would have never known what it was4 ,but having been spry1 ,gud had leaped almost out of the way2 only his staff had been knocked from his hand and his elbow broken4 ,observing the injury done to the pedestrian1 the demon who drove the chariot caused its speed to abate1 and presently it wheeled about and came roaring back to where ,gud stood1 and stopped4 ,the demon alighted and said3 ,seems we had a little accident4 ,nay1 it feels1 ,i know not seems1 returned ,gud1 rubbing his elbow4 ,pedigreed8 asked the demon4 ,no1 fractured1 said ,gud4 ,dead1 ,i take it1 remarked the demon1 and he kicked something that lay limp and prone on the highway4 ,then ,gud observed that the ,underdog was dead4 ,how much8 asked the demon4 ,and before ,gud could speak1 the demon pulled out a roll of the medium of exchange and unrolled it and handed ,gud a portion of the medium4 ,as ,gud had no pockets he put the medium under his girdle and remarked3 ,if my staff had not been broken1 ,i could revive him4 ,a pulmotor would be more likely1 said the demon2 and he went to the chariot1 brought back an instrument and applied last aid to the ,underdog1 who presently wagged his tail feebly1 opened his eyes and whined piteously4 ,gud realized that the demon had paid him because the ,underdog had been dead2 and now that ,fidu was no longer dead1 ,gud felt constrained to return that which the demon had given him4 ,thereupon the demon looked more gracious and said3 ,where are you going8 ,we were walking for pleasure1 answered ,gud4 ,at this foolish reply the demon looked confounded4 ,well ,i don't see any pleasure in walking1 he remarked4 ,better jump in--,i'll take you as far as ,progress4 ,it is just beyond ,advertising4 ,so ,gud assumed alacrity1 and jumped into the chariot2 and the demon threw the ,underdog1 which was still whining piteously1 into the rear of the chariot1 and then sat himself beside ,gud4 ,the demon manipulated many mechanisms skilfully2 and the chariot began to roar mightily and then to purr contentedly1 as the great highway slipped beneath it4 ,gud was pleased with the demon's chariot and sat back on the cushions and sighed enviously4 ,suddenly the chariot swerved and shrieked its agonizing shriek1 and ,gud saw a lesser chariot1 like unto the demon's chariot but smaller and meaner looking4 ,and the demon smiled scornfully1 and said3 ,that was a ,lord4 ,and they had not gone far after they passed the ,lord when they came to a small place with a great sign3 ,,speed ,,limit ,,the ,,speed ,,of ,,sound4 ,and the demon swore balefully1 and the powerful chariot heaved and groaned distressingly4 ,gud looked out upon the way and saw that it was rough like a washlady's board1 and there were many sharp turns and detours2 and at one place there was a sign3 ,,this ,,road ,,to ,,highwater4 ,presently there was another sign3 ,,this ,,road ,,to ,,breakfast4 ,gud asked3 ,what place is this8 ,just as he had spoken the chariot reversed its direction so that ,gud could see behind it1 and there was a sign which read3 ,,free ,,air ,,and ,,gas ,,to ,,burn1 ,,but ,,don',t ,,ask ,,for ,,water4 ,gud was about to ask the meaning of all these strange signs and wonders when the chariot turned a somersault1 and ,gud saw another sign being written on the sky4 ,this was mightier than all1 and as ,gud read it the ,lord passed beneath them2 for the reading of the sign was3 ,,this ,,is ,,hell4 ,when they had passed through ,hell the road became smooth again1 and the demon smiled and began to burn up the road2 and ,gud looked into a small mirror and could see ,hell diminishing according to the law of perspective4 ,but of a sudden ,hell ceased to be visible1 for the demon was angry2 and he was exceeding the speed limit1 which was the speed of light1 and that is why the light of ,hell could no longer reach them4 ,as there was nothing now to be seen in the rear1 ,gud looked ahead and found that he could see more than twice as fast as usual1 for they were meeting the light that came from that direction at more than its own speed4 ,so ,gud saw the tail light of the ,lord that had passed them in ,hell4 ,the demon turned on the warning glare to apprize the little ,lord of his approach1 but this action was without avail since they were exceeding the speed of light and the glare could not shine fast enough to warn the ,lord2 and so the ,lord was unwarned4 ,then the demon swore unjustly and called the ,lord ,a way-swine2 but it availed nothing and the ,lord was run down and run over1 and left as an empty tin that had been stepped on by a dinosaur with an iron heel4 ,after they had passed through ,advertising and through ,alltalk1 which was a suburb of ,advertising1 they came to ,progress and the demon slowed down and began to show ,gud the town4 ,the ,underdog had recovered from his injuries and crawled out and stood on the running board with his fore feet on the front defender and barked joyfully1 for ,progress was a lively enough town and largely made up of show windows and chariot factories4 ,when the demon came to the end of his journey ,gud alighted and said3 ,much obliged4 ,the demon said3 ,not at all4 ,the ,underdog jumped from the chariot and ran gleefully up to one who was standing in front of a factory and playing with an enormous horse-power4 ,gud was jealous when he saw how much the ,underdog seemed to love the stranger and how much the stranger seemed to love the ,underdog1 and ,gud asked the demon who the stranger was4 ,and the demon said3 ,why1 that is ,lord1 who makes the little ,lord chariots4 ,if you won't tell him ,i ran over one1 ,i'll introduce you4 ,so ,gud met ,lord1 and ,lord said3 ,i think ,i make a pretty good chariot4 ,yes1 said ,gud1 ,it can pass any chariot in ,hell4 ,after that ,lord excused himself and went into his office to dictate an article on the ,importance of ,eating ,pork2 and ,gud was left at the mercy of ,lord's sales force4 ,so ,gud went across the street and entered the palatial office of a great chariot maker and once inside he was obliged to pledge his honor and his name4 ,and when ,gud came out of that place he was the proud possessor of a great chariot with a mild roar4 ,they started off and went back toward ,hell1 for they were headed that way and could not turn around4 ,they passed through ,hell and went on from ,hell to ,breakfast1 and the chariot roared beautifully4 ,then the price of faith1 which the great chariot burned1 began to increase at each filling station1 and the hope1 which smoothed its running1 became full of grit1 and the charity on which it rolled began to blow up1 and the way became rough and the curves became impossible1 even for a great chariot2 and ,gud began to wish for a ,lord4 ,but there was no ,lord in sight4 ,gud tinkered with the great chariot with patience1 and energized the battery with nerve1 but all was of no avail4 ,so when a ,blackamoor came along on a gray mule1 ,gud made a bargain and exchanged the great chariot for the mule4 ,but ,gud recalling the story about the old man and his son and the jackass1 ,gud threw his animal into the river at once1 to avoid criticism4 ,gud now whistled to the ,underdog1 and the ,underdog harkened to the whistle and followed after ,gud1 for they were both meek in the humility of wisdom4 ,chapter ,,li ,they had not gone far until ,gud was arrested4 ,his thumb print was taken and he was cast into jail4 ,as he did not know how to change his thumb print1 he wished to know why he had been arrested1 in order to judge whether it would be honorable to escape4 ,so he inquired of one of his fellow prisoners4 ,and the prisoner listened to ,gud's story and made answer3 ,you have been arrested because you drove a high-powered chariot without being possessed of a large amount of money4 ,the catalog of crime which such a combination engenders is tedious and fulsome4 ,but what is the remedy8 asked ,gud1 for he did not like to remain a criminal4 ,money1 replied the prisoner1 you should make money4 ,if we could get out of this place ,i would show you how1 for ,i am by trade a money-maker4 ,very well1 said ,gud1 and he commanded the walls of the jail to fall down1 and he and the money-maker walked out over the fallen walls and proceeded to the money-maker's den4 ,but ,gud soon tired of the tedious process of copper engraving2 and going out for a stroll about the town he came upon the booth of a fortune-teller4 ,i wish you would tell me a fortune1 said ,gud1 for ,i am badly in need of one4 ,but for that ,i charge money1 said the fortune-teller4 ,why8 asked ,gud4 ,because1 ,i know what is going to happen4 ,so do ,i1 said ,gud4 ,liar6 cried the fortune-teller4 ,if you knew what was going to happen1 and had any insight whatsoever into future events1 you would not be standing idly here1 for you would be in the ,street4 ,thanks for the suggestion1 replied ,gud1 ,i will go there immediately4 ,when ,gud reached the ,street he found many bulls there and bears and lambs1 and men who were busy watering their stock4 ,and ,gud found there also a private secretary who was watching the tape4 ,and ,gud said3 ,why do you watch the tape with eager eyes8 ,and she answered and said to ,gud3 ,because ,i wish to know what figures are on the tape as quickly as any one else4 ,and how would you like to know more quickly8 ,indeed1 she cried1 if one could1 he would soon own the earth4 ,it is easy1 said ,gud4 ,all you have to do is to read these figures before they appear instead of afterwards4 ,can you do that8 ,why certainly6 ,it is easy to read the future1 if you know how4 ,and so ,gud showed her how to read the future1 and she showed ,gud how to cash in on the readings1 and presently they owned the earth4 ,chapter ,,lii ,he loads the dice1 scratches the cards1 ,hoists us up by our own petards2 ,and when low music thrills the banquet halls1 ,his shadow like a silent spectre falls ,in grotesque imagery upon the walls4 ,a mad child left an empire's might ,the kingdom of the day and night ,and as he babbles on the palace floor1 ,he listens to the silver thunder roar ,like troubled seas upon some distant shore4 ,with froth upon a sensual lip1 ,he sinks in play some crowded ship4 ,then lightly in an idle mood of mirth ,as though it were a trinket of no worth ,down starry skies he flings some living earth4 ,life's roulette table stops for him ,to any cackling vagrant whim4 ,his own police are venal1 full of doubt2 ,indeed the cheapest little racetrack tout ,knows more what sportsmanship is all about4 ,his gold face and his jet black hair ,the jewels his madness makes him wear4 ,his laws1 a madman's irony ,the moon his mask above the sea ,some morning he will turn his vacant eyes ,and see the sun with jealous new surprise ,and on the following day it will not rise4 ,chapter ,,liii ,and when the last sound had gone howling by and tumbled into the bottomless pit of silence1 ,gud held his breath1 and even ,fidu ceased to breathe and listened 444 and listened for the echo that was still 444 and it was as quiet as the missing link1 as silent as a broken heart1 as mute as a withered violet in a virgin's dream4 ,chapter ,,liv ,gud had traveled many infinite distances since he had seen any sign of matter or mind or spirits4 ,in this region things were not merely dead6 they were absolutely non-existent1 and ,gud became a trifle lonesome4 ,he was in his ghostly incognito1 for he always traveled lightly in vacuous and doubtful regions4 ,to sojourn as an immaterial spirit among material beings gives one a sense of power1 for what could be more glorious than to see without eyes1 hear without ears1 ring bells without hands or kick over tables without feet8 ,but it is a very dull business to journey along as a spirit in absolute nothingness4 ,indeed it is a business as dull as a ,latin conjugation4 ,so ,gud now realized that he was sensing something with his seventh sense1 which was more acute than the canine instinct of the ,underdog and almost as unerring as a woman's intuition4 ,this seventh sense told ,gud that he had entered a spiritual realm1 and he became aware of a black ghost of a white cat with one ghoulish unseeing eye1 sitting on the shadow of a back fence echoing a diabolical howl4 ,gud could not hear the ghost cat howl1 but he knew that it was howling because with his seventh sense he felt the vibration of its howl quivering through the impalpable and ghostly ether4 ,the howl of the ghost cat petrified ,gud's gall1 for he sensed that the creature had nine notches on its tail2 hence would never live again1 and had nothing to howl about4 ,so ,gud picked up a stone and threw it at the ghost cat1 but he aimed high1 and the stone1 passing through a bush of credulity1 killed two birds of promise2 whereupon the ghost cat ceased to howl4 ,as ,gud went on he became aware of ghosts strolling about among the ruins of nothing4 ,and ,gud said to the ghosts3 ,where is your king8 ,and the ghosts replied to ,gud3 ,we have no king4 ,then1 said ,gud1 ,i would be told of your form of government4 ,but the ghosts answered3 ,our government has no form because we have no government4 ,then1 said ,gud1 ,i would meet your doctors or lawyers or great and famous ghosts4 ,and they made answer that they had none4 ,then1 said ,gud1 ,i would be told of your religion and learn of your faith4 ,said the ghosts3 ,we have no religion and no faith1 for we are too immaterial to sin2 and are therefore without fear of death1 and thus need no religion and no faith4 ,then1 said ,gud1 this is a dull place4 ,what do you call it8 ,replied the ghosts1 who had a very long time to live3 ,we have no name for the place1 but we are very happy here4 ,when ,gud learned that this place was nameless1 he whistled for his ,underdog and they went on and passed through an impalpable fog of etheric vibrations1 and over a great gulf of sublimated emptiness1 and through a dark forest of neglected memories1 and across a sandless desert swept by a breathless wind4 ,chapter ,,lv ,the graveyard of the gods is silent under a heavy sky1 ,where all the gods who never lived are buried when they die4 ,pale angels kneel beside the graves1 stretching row on row1 ,and madmen carrying mouldy flowers quickly come and go4 ,a withered lily in her hand ,saint ,any-,one-,at-,all1 ,with pale1 thin fingers opens the gate in an ivied wall4 ,her face an open wound of wonder1 bleeding with defeat1 ,and as she walks1 the shining snow crunches under her feet4 ,the ghosts of trees reach icy arms up to a starless sky1 ,mourning the gods who never were that rest here when they die4 ,pale angels kneel beside the graves stretching row on row1 ,and madmen carrying mouldy flowers quickly come and go4 ,chapter ,,lvi ,having passed through the graveyard of the gods1 ,gud came to a vast beyond where there really was nothing1 when the gods are dead there can be nothing4 ,and so ,gud journeyed on1 for he would not stop at nothing1 and he came to a church1 because it was ,saturday night4 ,crouched by the steps of the church was a poor old skeptic begging alms of faith4 ,why do you beg8 asked ,gud4 ,because ,i have need of faith1 said the skeptic4 ,if ,i should give you a great amount of faith1 would you use it to destroy your doubts1 or would you go out and proclaim it to others1 and thus give it all away8 ,try me1 said the skeptic4 ,then believe that ,i am ,gud4 ,i will1 if you can prove it to me6 ,what proof shall ,i offer you8 asked ,gud4 ,for while he knew that proof was not necessary to faith1 yet he was willing to humor the poor old skeptic because he was so weighted down with his burden of doubts4 ,if you be ,gud1 said the skeptic1 then you should know all things4 ,and that ,i do4 ,very well1 said the skeptic1 how mad is a wet hen8 ,whereupon ,gud called down fire from the heaven of that place and smote the blasphemer so that he died4 ,but when ,gud called down the fire that smote the skeptic1 alas1 he destroyed the church house also4 ,the next morning when the sun arose1 behold the spot where the church had been was a greensward of two-bladed grass4 ,but presently worshippers came and seated themselves upon the grass and lifted up their eyes in prayer4 ,gud did not wait to see who answered their prayers1 for he had gone on into a realm where the nights are as cold as greed1 and where little stars are born--and comets1 like tadpoles1 lose their tails1 and burst into shining suns4 ,and yet again ,gud passed on beyond all stars and on and on until he reached the limits of thoughts1 beyond which were only dim traces of imagination4 ,and passing still on and ever on he came to a place where only the hope of faith abides1 and lo1 he was confronted here with a great wall of light4 ,and ,gud knew--for he still knew all things--that this wall of light was the great and mighty wall that flings its shining reaches round about the ,city of the ,forgotten ,ghosts4 ,these ghosts feared that dark memories1 which were their only enemies1 might find them out1 so they had builded this mighty wall of light about their ghostly city4 ,but those who know all things need stop at nothing1 and ,gud1 first casting off all memories that clung about him1 kneeled down beside the wall of light and rubbed a little ring of pale intrusion4 ,and behold a door of darkness opened in the wall of light4 ,gud arose and passed through the door of darkness in the wall of light4 ,when he had passed through1 the door of darkness closed behind him1 and1 having revoked all memories1 ,gud could not recall that it had been4 ,as ,gud now journeyed through the outer environs of the ,city of the ,forgotten ,ghosts1 he rejoiced to become aware that these were holy ghosts--for behold the way was lined with the shadows of ten thousand crosses whereon hung ten thousand crucified ghosts4 ,seeing that he was among friends1 ,gud decided to tarry yet a little while4 ,he was very much interested to learn that the inhabitants of this realm were not merely the spiritual leftovers of deceased material beings1 but were true ghosts who had always been ghosts4 ,this fact puzzled ,gud1 but there was no doubt about its authenticity1 for the ghosts had a revelation that testified to their purely ghostly origin4 ,all the ghosts accepted this revelation of their origin1 but there were differences of opinion as to their destination4 ,having an honest difference of opinion about an unknowable matter1 there was1 of course1 ample justification for the ten thousand crucified ghosts that hung on the shadows of crosses4 ,among these ghosts1 who were so positive about their origin and so uncertain about their destiny1 there were two sects3 the ,spiritualists and the ,materialists4 ,the ,spiritualists1 knowing that they had always been spirits1 argued that they would always remain spirits4 ,but the ,materialists decried this pessimistic faith and held forth a great hope that if they adhered to all the platitudes they would have the pleasure of shuffling off the immortal coil and being reborn as material beings4 ,it was the tenets of this sect that ,gud espoused1 for he admired the faith of these mere ghosts who had never sensed matter1 and yet had lifted up their eyes in the hope of material life4 ,with his experience in such affairs ,gud readily assumed the role of a prophet of this ,materialistic faith4 ,but it is not sufficient merely to call the righteous to repentance1 and ,gud indulged his imagination to think of some way to impress the skeptical ,spiritualists with the truth of the ,materialist faith4 ,it was ,fidu who gave ,gud the idea for the great miracle1 for ,fidu had remained close to his master1 both of course1 in their spiritual beings4 ,the ghosts were not aware that ,fidu was among them1 and not being familiar with dogs they walked right through him1 ignoring the poor beast quite utterly1 which was very humiliating to ,fidu4 ,so ,gud1 in sympathy with the ,underdog's humiliation1 conceived of a great idea1 and he called the leaders of the ,materialist sect together and asked3 ,have any of you ever sensed a material being8 ,no6 answered they1 we have never sensed matter1 which is why we have faith in its existence4 ,true1 said ,gud1 enough for the faithful1 but these infidels1 some of whom you neglected to crucify1 have not faith without works4 ,let us therefore create a material being wherewith to confound them4 ,and of what will you create a material being8 ,i usually create things out of nothing1 answered ,gud4 ,but ,master1 cried the ,ghosts1 we have very little of nothing4 ,how much would it take8 ,it will suffice1 said ,gud1 and he whistled to ,fidu and straightway materialized him4 ,a real live dog weighing about twenty-seven pounds1 running around through the ghosts1 made quite a sensation2 and it greatly delighted those of the ,materialist faith and converted most of the ,spiritualists4 ,gud thought for a time he had converted all the infidels and skeptics in the realm to the true faith1 but he later found that there was one little band upon whom the materialization of ,fidu had made no impression4 ,this sect denied the spiritual existence that they were living1 and taught that there was no such a thing as the spirit1 but that all was matter4 ,gud could not understand why this sect should call themselves ,materio-,spiritists1 since they were certainly not ,spiritualists1 as they denied the existence of spirit--and yet they were not ,materialists1 for they did not believe in matter as matter1 but in spirit as matter4 ,these ,materio-,spiritists were not impressed by the miracle ,gud had wrought in the interest of the orthodox ,materialist faith4 ,they believed that all was matter1 yet they did not recognize matter when they met it in the road4 ,they denied the matter-of-fact ,fidu1 and said he was only an illusion of the non-existent spiritual mind and hence could have no existence1 material or immaterial4 ,even when ,gud took the material dog to their place of worship and had him bark at the service1 they still argued that the material ,fidu was non-existent4 ,gud was a little crest-fallen at his inability to convert the ,materio-,spiritists1 and yet the more he argued with them1 the more doubtful he became of his own convictions4 ,in fact1 he became so confounded that he forgot what his convictions were1 and was not sure whether he was a ghost or not1 or whether the material dog was real or imaginary4 ,finally1 to settle his doubts1 ,gud decided to kill all the ghosts and see whether they would be reborn as material beings or disappear altogether4 ,when he proclaimed his intention there was much rejoicing in the ranks of the ,materialists1 who thus saw the fulfillment of their faith4 ,as the day of the spiritual death approached there was a great revival of faith1 and much repentance and divers preparation to assume the material role4 ,gud was a little puzzled as to how to kill so many ghosts at once4 ,earthquakes and floods and all that sort of thing were clearly inadequate1 but he recalled that the crowing of a cock was very destructive to ghostly life4 ,so he sent ,fidu back to the last material realm they had passed1 to retrieve a cock which could crow most lustily4 ,the cock arrived amid a vast darkness1 and ,gud prepared a great light1 at the sight of which the cock crew mightily--and every ghost died of fright4 ,as the cock was pedigreed1 ,gud sent ,fidu back to restore it to its owner1 while he sat himself down to wait for the appearance of the material beings4 ,none appeared4 ,after a while ,gud grew tired of waiting4 ,the place was very still and very dark for the wall of light was dark on the inside4 ,in spite of his own ghostly being ,gud found that he was getting nervous4 ,he had creepy sensations up and down his spine-- ,this is a flunk4 ,ghosts of the ghosts are too much for my imagination4 ,it was ,hersey's idea anyway4 ,when you kill a ghost1 of course you would have a ghost of a ghost to take its place1 and one ought to be able to imagine it4 ,but if you kill that1 then you should have the ghost of a ghost of a ghost1 and that is straining the imagination to its cracking point4 ,and if you kill that then you should have the ghost of a ghost of a ghost of a ghost--et cetera1 ad infinitum1 to the ,nth expansion--me for ,einstein and his warped light4 ,chapter ,,lvii ,as ,gud strolled along trying to forget the past he stumbled over the soul of an old blind ghost who was sitting on a petrified memory and sentimentalizing over her woes4 ,pardon me1 said ,gud1 but why are you so blind that ,i could not see you8 ,i am blind1 replied the old soul1 because ,i strained my eyes out looking at the moving pictures1 and now ,i am very miserable because ,i can not see them4 ,oh1 if that is all1 answered ,gud1 ,i will restore your sight4 ,it will cost you nothing but a little praise and gratitude4 ,when the old soul received her sight she looked around the barren astral landscape and was sorely disappointed1 for there were no moving pictures there2 and she complained bitterly in her disappointment4 ,i could make a motion picture for you if you would tell me how1 offered ,gud4 ,that ,i will do gladly1 cried the old soul1 but first you must have an author to write the scenario4 ,that is easy1 replied ,gud4 ,there--,i have created one4 ,speak to her1 author1 for the poor old soul was blind4 ,so ,i see1 answered the author1 as he extracted a cigarette4 ,and she wants a story1 ,i take it2 but she has been blind and is probably illiterate1 and can not read1 and ,i never tell my stories as poets recite their verses--it is bad taste1 you know4 ,i will restore her literacy1 offered ,gud1 who was in a miraculous mood1 and then she can read4 ,it would be doing me no good1 sighed the old soul1 for even if ,i could read the directions on patent medicine bottles because they are printed in so many languages1 yet ,i could never read fiction stories on account of the quotation marks1 and it's the pictures ,i want anyway4 ,oh1 pictures1 said the author1 as he ignited his cigarette1 now that is a different matter2 ,i create stories for the love of art1 but moving pictures can not be created for the love of art1 for there is no art in them to love4 ,since we are both creators1 said ,gud1 ,i don't like to dictate to you1 so suppose we compromise4 ,you write a poem for art's sake--as there is no other excuse for writing one--but put it in the form of a scenario4 ,now that is what ,i call clever6 exclaimed the author1 and he whipped out his ,corona and wrote the scenario forthwith4 ,what it was you shall never know1 for movie scenarios could never get by heavenly censors without mutilation1 and when the censors had done with this one there remained not even the mutilation4 ,however1 the author read it to the old soul4 ,that is a fine scenario1 cried she to ,gud1 but you will have to make a director to make the picture out of the scenario4 ,so ,gud made a director4 ,he had never made one before but they are easily made1 as they can be made out of most anything4 ,well1 ,i see we have the scenario1 remarked the director1 when ,gud had finished making him1 but it hasn't the proper ending4 ,i am sorry1 said the author1 but ,i didn't write a proper ending as ,i knew you would use your own anyway4 ,i know his ending1 cried the ugly old soul1 and it is very beautiful--it's the one where-- ,shut up1 you old fool1 bawled the director1 don't you know you will spoil the suspense by telling the audience how it is going to end8 ,but in this case we have a real plot1 said the author1 and it ought not to be mutilated-- ,shut up1 you conceited pup1 howled the director1 and here1 take your scenario and have it printed if you like4 ,i don't need it anyway4 ,and so the author took the scenario and folded it and put it in his inside pocket and walked away1 inhaling angrily on his last cigarette4 ,now1 spoke the director1 as that infernal ass is gone we can get busy4 ,what can ,i do8 asked ,gud4 ,make the cast for me1 pick out the sets and rig the props4 ,but first ,i must have six beautiful girls4 ,it is going to be an all-star cast and ,i want each of them as beautiful as she can be1 yet distinctive1 so the audience can tell which is which4 ,so ,gud made six girls1 all as beautiful as they could be1 and yet all as different as wives are from concubines4 ,fine1 exclaimed the director1 as he pawed them over affectionately4 ,i love you1 said the girl with the ,cupid's bow mouth4 ,i loved him first1 spoke the girl with the sorrowful eyes4 ,but ,i love him most1 cried the girl with the angel-child curls4 ,but ,i love him like the flower loves the dew1 wailed the girl with the human form divine4 ,but ,i love him so that ,i could die for him1 sobbed the girl with the very tender heart4 ,then die1 shrieked the old-fashioned vampire1 as she plunged a dagger into the very tender heart4 ,all the girls brought orange blossoms and laid them on the coffin and wept much in each other's arms1 and the director renounced his professional ambitions and went back to his old job as market reporter on an undertaker's weekly4 ,oh1 thank you so much1 spoke the ugly old soul to ,gud4 ,for what8 asked ,gud4 ,for the beautiful sentiments of the picture1 she replied4 ,but that wasn't a picture1 corrected ,gud1 that was reality4 ,what are you saying8 queried the old soul1 ,i was blind1 you know1 and didn't hear very well either4 ,oh1 nothing1 said ,gud4 ,i am glad you enjoyed it4 ,for he saw that she had taken reality for romance1 which is a far more beautiful illusion than taking romance for reality4 ,so ,gud went quietly on his way4 ,chapter ,,lviii ,and ,gud overtook a thief who had stolen an ocean and loaded it into a wagon which he had hitched to a star4 ,the thief was making a poor getaway1 for the wagon was leaking badly and was dropping clues at every step4 ,to avoid being drowned in the drippings1 ,gud turned into an unexplored dimension1 but before he could get his bearings he was run down by an insane comet collector1 who was madly chasing a comet that was buzzing dangerously near an incandescent sun--so hot that its nearest molecules were farther apart than the hearts of a bigamist's wives4 ,to avoid the net of the comet collector ,gud hid himself in an ethereal cavern4 ,there he found a spiritual paleontologist at work reconstructing extinct souls from the merest fossil fragments4 ,gud picked up a tiny fragment and asked the paleontologist what manner of soul it had been4 ,the paleontologist scrutinized it through his confounded monocle and replied3 ,it is a bit of ectoplasm from the soul of a woman killed by curiosity4 ,she was forever asking her lovers1 ',how much do you love me8' ,the paleontologist now reached up to a geometrical plane and brought down another small fossil4 ,observe1 said he1 the marking on this other bit of petrified ectoplasm1 and note how the two differ4 ,yes1 ,i see1 said ,gud1 what is that one8 ,that1 replied the paleontologist1 is a fragment of the aura of a woman who wished to be loved for herself alone4 ,it is very interesting1 agreed ,gud1 but tell me why those two completed models on the nebulous shelf behind you look so argumentative4 ,ah1 said the paleontologist1 they are the pride of my collection1 being the reconstruction of two friendly enemies4 ,one was the soul of a deist and the other the soul of an atheist1 and they argued and argued through one eternity after another4 ,they argued not wisely but too well1 for each finally converted the other1 and the deist became an atheist and the atheist became a deist4 ,then they started arguing all over again4 ,but before the atheist who had become a deist could convert the deist who had become an atheist back to deism1 or the deist who had become an atheist could convert the atheist who had become a deist back to atheism1 the astral plane was rotated into a cosmic epizoid1 resulting in a cataclysm that buried these two poor souls in an avalanche of metaphysical debris which was stratified under the radiant pressure1 just as we find it here4 ,it is very wonderful1 said ,gud1 but why do you probe into secrets of the dead past when there are so many living souls existing in poverty of hopes or a sorrow of memories8 ,the paleontologist removed the confounded monocle from his eye1 and wiped the lens with a bit of chamois skin4 ,i am no base utilitarian1 said he1 but a pure scientist seeking truth for truth's sake4 ,well1 said ,gud1 a good deal of it isn't worth seeking for any other reason4 ,do you know ,i have often wondered what any one would do with all the truth if he did find it--for my part ,i have never been able to make use of half ,i possessed4 ,but you misunderstand the aims of pure science4 ,we scientists have no use for truth either1 after we have found it2 but the search for truth raises us above the base utilitarian4 ,yes1 said ,gud1 pure science is all right in its place1 but you wipe the lens of your confounded monocle with a chamois skin1 and how could one get chamois skin unless there were farmers and butchers and skinners and tanners to farm1 butcher1 skin and tan the chamois8 ,mere hewers of wood and drawers of water1 repeated the pure scientist with disdain1 let them serve truth and searchers after truth2 for knowledge is power and the truth shall make us free4 ,free of what8 asked ,gud4 ,but the paleontologist did not answer1 for he had spied another bit of fossilized ectoplasm and was readjusting his confounded monocle so that he might examine it1 to see if it were part of the fragment of the soul of the infant prodigy who had mastered calculus before it cut its canine teeth1 or merely another piece of that soul of the man who had gone spiritually to pieces when he met his fame4 ,alas1 it was neither but something worse1 and so ,gud asked what it was4 ,it is the fragment1 replied the paleontologist1 of the soul of an old maid who committed suicide because she could not live in eternal doubt4 ,and what did she doubt8 asked ,gud4 ,her virtue4 ,and why did she doubt that8 ,because she suffered from a dual personality complicated by amnesia4 ,oh1 ,i see1 said ,gud1 she wanted to know how the other half lived4 ,no1 no1 protested the fossil collector1 she was not a sociologist but one of the minor female poets who specialize in ballads in the romantic manner4 ,see1 here is one of her manuscripts that she had translated so that she could take it with her4 ,translated into what8 asked ,gud4 ,into spirit language1 said the paleontologist1 and if you read it you will see for yourself how very spiritual it is4 ,gud took the poem and glanced at the first line4 ,pardon me1 he said1 but is there a graveyard handy8 ,as you should judge for yourself1 replied the paleontologist1 from the number of bones ,i have been digging up1 this place itself was once a graveyard4 ,all things that were can be again1 said ,gud1 as he turned back the wheel of time until he came into the graveyard as it was in the days of its prosperity4 ,seeing that he was in the respectable part of the graveyard1 ,gud hastened to walk down the hill to the less respectable portion4 ,experience had taught him that in the part of a graveyard where rich men are buried he was likely to be annoyed by relatives who felt they had been cheated in the wills and were anxious to have resurrections performed4 ,as ,gud strolled through the disreputable portion of the cemetery he came upon a man who was sitting on a grave and weeping bitterly4 ,chapter ,,lix ,the ,gods of the ,gallows ride tonight ,their shadowy faces spotted white4 ,the creature who watches through the bars ,hears every footfall under the stars4 ,the gods of the gallows need no rest-- ,they ride like chieftains--twelve abreast4 ,and now they have vanished1 leaving hope1 ,and a thing that hangs at the end of a rope4 ,under the lattice a rosebud trembles1 a rosebud trembles gently4444 ,under the trees the shadows fall ,in a silver pool by the garden wall2 ,then here and there among the trees ,wind whispers rouse low litanies4 ,like tiny voices of tongueless grief ,that stir the silence of every leaf4 ,and who would know that under the lattice1 under the lattice window1 ,where the rosebud stirred like a startled fawn1 ,two hands are creeping up the wall1 ,two hands that are slim and white and small8 ,and who can hear the lattice open1 the lattice open gently8 ,now over the lip of the window sill1 ,a rustle of silks1 the lattice closes1 ,no one has heard1 the night is still1 ,save unblossomed buds of the startled roses4 ,yet were attentive ears to hearken3 enemy ears to listen ,far off1 far off1 where the white road bends1 ,and the upturned cup of the blue sky ends1 ,they might have heard a horse's hoofs ,go clickity1 clickity1 clickity hack1 clickity hack1 clickity 444 clickity 444 clickity 444 hack ,wisely wondered why late at night ,so speedy a horseman rode its back4444 ,then the echo dimmed at the edge of a wood1 ,and the sound and the horse were gone for good4 ,the creature who watches through the bars ,heard every footfall under the stars4 ,beside the doorway of his cell ,imprisoned in that iron hell1 ,he taunted the guards of the ,king--the ,king's own guards they were-- ,with scarlet breeches and purple coats1 ,shining buckles upon their boots4 ,he taunted them with sneering jests4 ,he sneered at the medals on their breasts2 ,laughed in the haughty captain's face1 ,cut short the chaplain's plea for grace1 ,and hummed the popular air of the day ,when they read the sentence1 and bade him pray4 ,i promised her at our final tryst1 ,when our aching bodies clung and kissed1 ,that come what may1 no matter when ,i should see her to tell her ,i love her again4 ,and he laughed through the bars ,in a redcoat's face1 ,then he looked through the window ,up at the stars1 ,and saw that the dawn was taking place4 ,i'll be returning ere the dusk is down1 ,i'll be returning4444 ,wait for me6 ,i'll be returning though life claims ,allegiance under lying rames4 ,this was the song he sang for her--for her this song he sang4 ,so there by the pool where the rose leaves drift4 ,she waited knowing the dawn was near1 ,and when she saw the shadows lift ,and all the skies turn deep and clear1 ,she fled to her room--he had not come4 ,they dared not speak to her of him1 ,her mother1 her sister--aye1 any of them4 ,for her face was carven out of stone ,and her little lips made moan1 made moan4 ,yet late that night when the house was still ,she heard a horse ride over the hill4 ,it is he1 it is he1 her heart sang sweet4 ,then out of the window climbed to meet ,the lover who made her hot heart beat4 ,yes there he was with his handsome head1 ,and now the same dear things he said ,as he drew close with a sweep of his arm4 ,the gods of the gallows need no rest-- ,they ride like chieftains twelve abreast4 ,one flower touched as she fluttered by1 ,swung on its stem1 ,and one bright star in the purple sky ,shone over them4 ,and what he said1 it matters not1 ,nor what she said to him4 ,and he stopped to listen like one who is stirred2 ,his horse even hearkened1 as though he heard4 ,for down the road there came abreast ,twelve men in ancient armor dressed4 ,there was something strange in the way they rode2 ,there was something odd in their manners4 ,they did not see the lovers there1 ,nor heed the house at all1 ,but they rode like mad their horses backs4444 ,rode through the solid wall4 ,when she had opened her frightened eyes ,what was her pitiful heart's surprise ,to find him gone ,and the yellow dawn ,a roaring flame in the new day's skies4 ,and now they have vanished leaving hope1 ,and a thing that hangs at the end of a rope4 ,they found her there ,in a little heap ,as though she had walked ,in her lilied sleep4 ,and they never knew1 ,though her mother said3 ,it's a pity1 so1 ,with her lover dead ,on the gallows' tree ,three days ago4444 ,chapter ,,lx ,why do you weep8 asked ,gud1 since most of these dead ones will go to ,hell anyway4 ,the man did not answer but kept on weeping4 ,so ,gud paused to read the epitaph on the tombstone of the grave on which the man was sitting4 ,the inscription was3 ,,in ,,this ,,grave ,,lie ,,the ,,damned ,,souls ,,of ,,unbaptized ,,babes4 ,come1 said ,gud1 shaking the weeping man by the shoulder4 ,if your child wasn't baptized it ought to be damned1 but there is no use weeping about it4 ,i never had a child1 said the man1 but if ,i were going to have one1 ,i would take no chances1 for ,i would call the priest before ,i sent for the doctor4 ,then why are you weeping8 repeated ,gud4 ,not over the contents of this grave1 ,i assure you1 but because of the contents of that grave there by the creek's edge4 ,is a relative of yours buried there8 asked ,gud4 ,he was no relative of mine1 said the man4 ,and yet ,i am weeping because he is dead1 and you would weep1 too1 if you were in my boots4 ,you see1 ,i am the hangman and ,i hanged that man only a fortnight ago4 ,ah1 ha6 said ,gud1 you hanged an innocent man6 ,indeed ,i did not6 ,and if ,i wept over every innocent man ,i have hanged1 ,i would never have time to clean the scaffold4 ,but ,i hanged that man for a petty crime that was never committed4 ,and you weep8 asked ,gud4 ,i weep1 said the hangman1 because since ,i hanged him1 we have discovered that he was guilty of a great crime for which ,i hanged another man a year ago4 ,then you are weeping for the other man8 ,no1 no6 retorted the hangman1 growing quite angry1 ,i am weeping because1 having hanged this man for a petty crime which was never committed1 ,i cannot hang him now for ,i have already hanged the other man4 ,at last ,i understand1 said ,gud1 greatly relieved1 and ,i think ,i can help you out4 ,go get your rope and call your citizens6 ,chapter ,,lxi ,as he was sitting one night by a campfire waiting for the beans to boil1 ,gud picked up a newspaper4 ,glancing over the advertisements1 his eye fell on this item3 ,,partner ,,wanted3 ,fine opportunity for experienced deity to share control of fully evolved world4 ,will call at any address to give details4--,i4 ,b4 ,,devil4 ,this interested ,gud1 for his vacation was getting irksome4 ,so he called ,fidu and let him sniff the advertisement and said3 ,go get him6 ,fidu immediately hit the trail through the great darkness1 baying beautifully4 ,when the ,underdog returned there followed at his heels a handsome ,devil4 ,gud shook hands with his caller and1 removing the pot of beans from the hot rocks in the center of the fire1 asked him to be seated4 ,the ,devil1 throwing off his cape1 sat down in the flames and poked his feet comfortably into the glowing coals4 ,you are very considerate1 said the ,devil1 as he took out his pipe and filled the bowl with brimstone2 most fellows of your ilk would let me shiver or make me start my own fire4 ,don't mention it1 said ,gud4 ,you have1 ,i believe1 a partnership proposition4 ,that ,i have1 returned the ,devil1 but first may ,i ask how you came to be out of employment8 ,i smashed everything1 explained ,gud1 and quit business4 ,the place got too big to be handled easily and ,i couldn't get efficient help4 ,i thought ,i would retire1 or at least take a long vacation2 but you know how that goes1 we are all creatures of habit4 ,yes1 agreed the ,devil1 many of us are like that4 ,we try to do too much1 and get discouraged and throw up everything4 ,however1 ,i have always been a hard worker and rather liked it4 ,but you are out of a job now1 said ,gud significantly1 and before ,i can talk business ,i will have to know why4 ,certainly1 said the ,devil1 ,i am out of employment for the very excellent reason that my god died4 ,what6 ,you don't mean it8 ,why not8 ,you fellows don't want to take your immortality too seriously4 ,it's a necessary pose1 of course1 as a matter of business2 but you see my god was really very old4 ,he had a premonition1 too1 and very thoughtfully left me a letter of recommendation4 ,would you like to see it8 ,thanks1 but ,i never look at letters of recommendation4 ,i have written too many of them4 ,but tell me about this death of your employer4 ,my partner1 you mean1 corrected the ,devil4 ,of course1 ,i was only the junior partner1 but ,i had a share in the loot4 ,as ,i said1 this chap was old and had won and lost many realms4 ,i was with him on his final venture1 running a hell as usual1 and a purgatory on the side--the heavy end of the job1 ,i call it1 on that three-realm theology4 ,this old god had nothing to do but sit up there surrounded by his angels--yes1 he really had angels1 old-fashioned place1 you know--and wait for the resurrection when ,i was to deliver up his share of the loot from purgatory1 and the ,chief ,arch was to blast the sleepers out of their graves4 ,that's a bit muddled1 remarked ,gud4 ,i grant it1 but we had it arranged that way4 ,well1 we got everything ready and ,i turned the crowd out of purgatory as per agreement2 and the ,arch blasted out the sleeping souls1 and they all went trooping into heaven1 demanding to see their god4 ,it was a sorry affair1 all those countless souls who had lived and died1 and some of them had suffered in purgatory for eons4 ,and finally they came trooping into heaven and no god in sight4 ,they sent an angel down for me1 for the situation was beyond those harp playing satellites4 ,i found that the old god had died peacefully in his sleep1 leaving the letter for me and a proper will drawn up1 but he was dead4 ,i fixed up a double and set him on the throne to keep the crowd quiet while ,i stood behind a screen to prompt him4 ,but some disgruntled little wing flapper betrayed us and the fraud got out4 ,the crowd stopped squabbling about their gowns and harps1 and dropped their hymn books and stared up at us4 ,it makes me sad yet when ,i think about it4 ,i have roasted them and flayed them and boiled them without mercy2 all that was nothing like seeing the disappointed expression in the eyes of those poor souls1 all arrayed in their new celestial gowns and with harps in hand1 staring like little lost children up at a dummy on the throne1 and wailing because their god was dead6 ,when did all this happen8 asked ,gud4 ,a long while ago--like you1 ,i've been on a vacation4 ,the fact was that experience gave me a distaste for my profession4 ,but you know how it is4 ,we are all creatures of habit1 as you say1 and there are ups and downs in all business4 ,i feel now that it is about time ,i got back to work--especially since ,i discovered this virgin world4 ,with that we can start all over1 everything new1 all our experience to help us1 and the likelihood of good luck this time by the law of averages4 ,right you are1 agreed ,gud1 there is nothing like work4 ,a shoemaker should stick to his last and die with his hammer in his hand4 ,yes1 ,i think ,i will consider your proposition4 ,where is this property you speak of8 ,in the eighth plane4 ,the eighth plane6 repeated ,gud incredulously4 ,my dear fellow1 there are only seven planes6 ,that's just it2 it's being in a place where it could not be explains why it is still there4 ,a fascinating tale1 said ,gud dubiously1 but how can mortals stay rational and civilized if they do not know that we exist1 or that there are immortal joys and torments awaiting for them after they are through with their brief span of mortality8 ,now ,i can't answer that question as to theory1 but ,i can report my observation of the fact that they manage it very decently well4 ,it seems incredible to me1 sighed ,gud4 ,it doesn't to me1 replied the ,devil1 for if ,i were mortal ,i would surely make the best of the life ,i had instead of pining and worrying about another1 which1 as you know for yourself1 is never quite up to mortal expectations4 ,the ,devil knocked the ash out of the bowl of his pipe on one of the glowing rocks4 ,naturally we haven't as much interest as you have in keeping the superstition alive1 since we have the dirty end of the deal4 ,but you know very well that you can't do business without us4 ,it has been repeatedly demonstrated that mortals quickly lose interest in those one-sided theologies which1 like their own ,utopias1 are insipid with perfect goodness and boresome with joy4 ,what pleasure could there be in hoping to go to an eternal sunparlor without knowing that one's neighbor was going to hell8 ,yes1 yes1 ,i grant that argument1 but this virgin world of yours is hardly plausible4 ,holy comets6 exclaimed the ,devil1 springing up angrily1 do you doubt my observation or my veracity8 ,both1 said ,gud4 ,we are wasting words4 ,if you will step this way you can see for yourself4 ,just a moment1 said ,gud1 who then arose and set the pot back on the hot rocks1 and commanded ,fidu to tend the fire and not to spill the beans4 ,watch your step1 called back the ,devil4 ,there are some ugly holes in the void beyond the seventh plane4 ,how is that for a sphere8 spoke the ,devil as he pointed out his find4 ,not half bad1 admitted ,gud1 but it's a little flat at the poles4 ,strictly speaking1 it is a spheroid4 ,don't quibble over details4 ,and now1 if you don't mind1 ,i'll materialize as a prosperous gentleman and you can be my cane-bearer4 ,not on your smoke1 retorted ,gud1 you advertised for a partner4 ,we materialize as equals or we stop right here4 ,have it your way4 ,i'll be a king in exile1 and you can be a bricklayer on strike4 ,so in that guise they stepped aboard1 taking care to alight on the north pole to avoid the chance of an ugly fall4 ,which way1 now8 asked ,gud4 ,south4 ,we must obey their natural laws4 ,so they traveled south to the equator1 passing along the seashore where the thriving cities were4 ,as ,gud walked along between the ,devil and the deep blue sea he saw many things that were never intended for him to see4 ,now1 said the ,devil1 we have seen the northern hemisphere1 and the southern one is just like it4 ,i am quite interested1 admitted ,gud4 ,then let us step up the side of this volcano where we can both be comfortable while we close our deal4 ,so they climbed the volcano and the ,devil found a seat on a heap of freshly crusted lava1 and ,gud sat down on a nearby glacier4 ,first1 began the ,devil1 ,i would ask you if they had any souls8 ,not a soul1 admitted ,gud4 ,one could see it in their eyes4 ,and what about evidence of proprietorship8 ,gud picked up a rock and examined it critically4 ,i see no evidence of design1 he confessed4 ,and how about their rationality8 ,that's what worries me4 ,they are entirely too rational4 ,if we try to give them souls they might reject them4 ,i can solve that1 laughed the ,devil4 ,give the souls to the females first4 ,what6 exclaimed ,gud1 that has never been heard of4 ,to give them all souls at once is quite as radical a move as ,i could consider4 ,well1 ,i won't quibble over details4 ,how long will it take you to fix up your pace8 ,i should say it would take me an eon4 ,make it an epoch4 ,oh1 very well4 ,and how do you propose to divide the booty8 ,would you be satisfied with predestination on a fifty-fifty split8 ,i would not1 returned ,gud decisively4 ,i consider such collusion to suppress competition most unprofessional4 ,i will give them a revelation1 you can plant seeds of doubt and temptation1 and we will divide on the usual tests of faith4 ,but what about those that pass over without hearing the revelation8 ,i get them on the mercy clause1 said ,gud4 ,that's too liberal1 replied the ,devil1 and you know it2 they belong to me by right of original sin4 ,if you insist on taking them we will call the whole deal off4 ,let's compromise on transmigration and reincarnate them till they do hear my revelation4 ,it will mean quite a saving in the stock of new souls1 for we will have to buy them4 ,i was never good at designing home-made souls2 ,i could never get them of even size1 and the big ones were always knocking the little ones about4 ,very well1 agreed the ,devil1 who was anxious to get going4 ,order the souls when you get ready4 ,just then the volcano conveniently erupted and dematerialized the king in exile and the bricklayer on strike4 ,chapter ,,lxii ,once ,gud sat all alone ,high on his shining throne4 ,the ,devil had been driven ,flaming out of heaven2 ,and this was eons after ,gud suddenly burst with laughter1 ,remembering with a shout ,a story the ,devil told ,before they drove him out-- 7,though even then 'twas old7 ,chapter ,,lxiii ,i4 ,b4 ,devil paced restlessly about in his brand new ,hell4 ,everything was running in apple pie order1 but not a soul in torment4 ,that fact worried him1 for it had been nearly two generations since ,gud had planted the souls4 ,he had done it well1 had plunged the busy sphere into a day of thick darkness4 ,there had been a mad howling and babble among the conceited rationals until the whole race of them had tumbled in their tracks and fallen into a profound slumber4 ,it was then that the souls were planted4 ,one of ,gud's newly employed assistants had made the count of the mortals1 and the ,devil had marvelled at his accuracy1 for there were only six souls left over4 ,these ,gud had laughingly handed to the ,devil1 who had given them to six of his firemen--appreciative chaps they were1 and it hadn't spoiled them1 this thing of having two souls4 ,after the soul planting was finished1 the ,devil and ,gud had parted cordially enough4 ,they had agreed it was best not to be seen together after that4 ,by the agreement ,gud was first to visit the sphere alone and give out his revelation1 and the ,devil was then to make one visit to sow doubts and temptations4 ,the ,devil had glanced at ,gud's revelation most casually2 it seemed quite ordinary--old stuff1 and he had been rather careless in planting his doubts and temptations4 ,the competition had looked easy4 ,but now two generations had passed on the sphere and not a soul had arrived for torment4 ,the ,devil was profoundly puzzled4 ,he wondered if ,gud had been unethical and double-crossed him with a spurious revelation1 getting out another one later with utterly different beliefs and morals1 so that the doubts and temptations were thus all obsoleted4 ,this possibility made the ,devil furious1 for it was plausible enough--yet that ,gud chap had seemed such a fair and simple sort6 ,half a dozen times the ,devil started to go up and see about it--yet1 had he not pledged his own incombustibility on his keeping away from the sphere after the first visit8 ,he had been a simple fool1 and here he was with a fully equipped hell on his hands and a big payroll to meet and the best of his helpers deserting right and left1 because they were bored with idleness4 ,as good a hell as ever burned brimstone and not a soul to roast6 ,drearily enough1 the ,devil began his rounds again4 ,he had to keep the boys cheered up4 ,how he wished that he had not been so democratic and told them just when things had been started on the sphere4 ,the best he could do now1 was to lie out of that and claim that this was just a trial run4 ,but he could see that many of his once loyal helpers had utterly lost faith in his leadership4 ,he had been proud of those helpers1 some of the brightest demons in the game4 ,he had bid them off good jobs in older hells by promises of greater freedom to try out their own ideas4 ,in that way he had obtained a superior set of tortures for special sins4 ,but now no souls--and half his demons deserted and the cleverest of his torture machines rusting from lack of use4 ,at last he could stand it no longer1 and he went back to his private chambers4 ,telling his valet that he was not to be disturbed1 he locked the door and took a sleeping potion gauged for a century4 99 99 99 99 99 ,boom6 ,boom6 ,boom6 ,i4 ,b4 ,devil awoke and tried to stretch himself1 but he was so stiff he could hardly move4 ,cold1 icy cold penetrated his very bones4 ,he managed at last to sit up on the edge of his couch1 and then the chamber door fell in before the battering ram of the last of his faithful followers4 ,six shivering demons piled into the chamber--the six grateful firemen to whom he had given the extra souls4 ,the last of the fires are out1 ,your ,majesty1 and all the others have deserted4 ,but why1 demanded the ,devil1 did you not keep my private furnace fired8 ,we shall all freeze to death4 ,but1 ,your ,majesty1 there is no one to work the mines4 ,do you not remember that you arranged for them to be worked by the souls of scabs who were to be killed by strikers8 ,another blunder1 sighed the ,devil4 ,well1 there is a grate and in that case yonder is my private stock of smoking brimstone4 ,light it1 for ,i must get thawed out so ,i can think4 ,the two-souled firemen hastened to obey and the seven of them were soon sitting around the spluttering blue flames and inhaling the delicious vapors4 ,the ,devil got out a set of heavy1 asbestos furs1 smiling as he recalled for whom he had ordered them4 ,he had intended to keep her in his private chamber to light his pipe and brew his tea--and he had chuckled many a time at the thought of her in summer furs4 ,he laid the furs on a chair and went to his desk and wrote busily for a few minutes4 ,now1 boys1 he said1 here are your passes for mortality1 and remember you have two souls4 ,the firemen vanished and the ,devil was alone in ,hell4 ,he drew on the furs and wrapped his own travelling cape about them4 ,then he went into the outer chamber4 ,across the room the windows1 into which usually shone the cheery redness of roaring flames1 were now frosted with weird designs1 and the fireproof platinum fittings on the great door were hoary white4 ,slowly the ,devil trudged across the chill chamber and1 with a fur-clad hand1 grasped the frosted handle1 swung open the great door1 and stepped out on the balcony4 ,for a moment he was blinded by the dazzling1 sparkling white4 ,he stumbled over some object and bent down to find the huddled form of a demon frozen stiff as an ice idol4 ,it was poor little ,beezel1 who had come all the way from the hell of the three-ringed planet to try out his new scheme of torture for trigamists4 ,i4 ,b4 ,devil stepped lightly over his frozen disciple and went to the balcony rail4 ,shading his eyes until they became accustomed to the white glare1 he now looked far up and down the wide stretches of his domain1 puzzled1 dumbfounded and subdued4 ,the water mains that supplied the steam baths had burst and flooded the place1 and all hell was frozen over6 99 99 99 99 99 ,i4 ,b4 ,devil leaped from the balustrade and straight as an arrow shot upward to ,gud's ,paradise4 ,he paused for a moment only outside the portals to discard the furs he wore1 then he pushed open the great unguarded gate and stepped inside4 ,it was a goodly heaven1 vast and beautiful and shining in its new-made emptiness4 ,i4 ,b4 ,devil did not pause for admiration1 but went straightway to ,gud's private office and kicked open the door4 ,there was no one there4 ,beside the larger desk was a lesser one1 and on this lay a powder puff and a small mirror4 ,the ,devil stepped to the file cabinet1 flung it open2 and with uncanny accuracy reached in1 pulled out the carbon copy of the order for souls1 and read3 ,in accordance with your quotation1 you may ship us at once three billion mortal souls4 ,poor old chap1 mused the ,devil1 ,i should never have trusted one4 ,then he stepped outside and mounted to the throne of ,gud4 ,there he found a note pinned to the upholstery4 ,it read3 ,we have gone to ,hell4 ,the ,devil went back to the portal of ,gud's heaven and picked up the furs3 ,i guess1 he said1 ,i had better take them down to her4 99 99 99 99 99 ,but ,gud let her go to ,hell alone1 for in the course of their headlong flight1 he heard the faint sound of far off barking4 ,wheeling in the ether ,gud made straight for the campfire1 where he had left ,fidu watching the beans4 ,did the beans boil over8 asked ,gud4 ,no1 indeed1 said ,fidu1 in his best dog language1 but you were gone so long that ,i caught a nice wild boar so that there is pork in the beans4 ,don't you know1 ,fidu1 admonished ,gud1 that ,i disapprove of eating pork8 ,but1 said ,fidu1 this was a vegetarian pig1 for he was rooting for peanuts when ,i caught him4 ,chapter ,,lxiv ,there are figures in the shadow but the shadow hides the faces1 ,and their silence is a subject that must flagellate the flesh4 ,there are hands and arms that touch you with their lingering embraces ,like the petals of clipped flowers still miraculously fresh4 ,there are voices through the darkness 'round which darkness swiftly closes2 ,remembered words and phrases that are only lost in death1 ,heard within some misted twilight in a garden filled with roses ,as though our own youth whispered with its awed and hollow breath4 ,there is nothing in the shadow that will satisfy our quest1 ,for each shore that's undiscovered has been lined with molding wrecks1 ,and if we should burst on ,beauty with her healing hands of rest ,life would bind us down in duty to some slavery of sex4 ,there is something quite sardonic in the race's old ideals1 ,and the struggle for their gaining is derisive as a jest4444 ,he who prays unto his ,godhead will be wiped out as he kneels1 ,while the wonders of decay will destroy all the rest4 ,we are grinding in the shadow for the glory of the ages1 ,though no hope of immortality has ever come to stay2 ,yet each human soul is fretting at the bars of separate cages ,hearing rhythms of tomorrow in the discords of today4 ,all the ones who started seeking when the game was strange and new1 ,see the beauty of believing lost in wonders of deceit ,there is truth in every vision1 but the day is hardly through1 ,ere the night is all around us with her silence and defeat4 ,there is dogma1 there is duty in the urge of dead emotion ,through the worshipped gods of yesterday the present gods exist ,hid away among our temples for the dreams of our devotion ,the alters of the ages in their ruins still persist4 ,let the mothers bear their children for the centuries to come ,there is truth in adoration for the thing that is adored ,and if all the many answers on the lips of life are dumb ,at least the coming children may be murdered for the ,lord4 ,chapter ,,lxv ,after ,gud had regaled himself on pork and beans he laid down under a deadly nightshade tree and fell asleep4 ,as he slept a worm happened along and stepped on ,gud1 and ,gud turned4 ,pardon1 said the worm1 but ,i did not notice you until you turned4 ,you see ,i was very preoccupied1 for ,i have just returned from the ,diet of ,worms1 which was called by the ,conqueror ,worm to suppress a book4 ,as soon as ,i heard that a book had been suppressed ,i went in search of a copy4 ,i found one in the ,master's chamber of a deserted mansion of the newly cultured4 ,i carefully chewed it up and removed the fragments to my nest1 where ,i pieced them together again4 ,what kind of book is it8 asked ,gud4 ,i am rather fond of forbidden books4 ,it is a book of etiquette1 replied the worm1 and if you will promise me not to mark it up or tear out any choice passages1 ,i will lend you my copy4 ,so ,gud sat down upon a gravel and the worm climbed a stalk of timothy and handed ,gud the book2 but it was so badly patched up that he could not read it4 ,perhaps1 suggested the worm1 ,i should read it to you4 ,see1 this is the table of contents4 ,it says3 ',how to shake hands with gloves on4 ',how to introduce people who already know each other4 ',how to steal postage stamps without having a guilty conscience4 ',how to dance without knowing how4 ',how to pretend to understand relativity4 ',what to wear if you don't like spats4 ',how to tell a risque story in the presence of a minister4 ',how to get rich without making your friends envious4 ',how to catch large fish with little worms4' ,ah1 cried the worm1 that is the very line that caused the ,diet of ,worms to suppress the book1 for that is an allusion to the bitter truth that worms are put on hooks to catch fish4 ,we worms1 who know that in the end we shall conquer man himself1 do not like to be reminded that in the meanwhile man may use us for fish bait4 ,gud smiled at the thought that the worms could only suppress the truth1 whereas he could change it4 ,so he made it to be that men should no longer put worms on hooks to catch fish1 but should henceforth put fish on hooks to catch worms4 ,that is how came the great sport of worming2 and some of the worm tales men tell do not need to be suppressed1 for there is no truth in them4 ,chapter ,,lxvi ,and now ,gud came to a place where the ether was as thick as coal tar4 ,it was so dark that ,fidu could not even imagine a moon1 and ,gud could not see any reason for existence4 ,just as he had about decided that there would never be any more light1 ,gud saw a wee small flicker shining in the inky void1 as might an invisible star if there never had been brighter stars to pale its flame4 ,hastening on ,gud and ,fidu came upon the source of light and found it to be a man with a torch in his hand who was very much occupied in searching for something4 ,have you lost anything8 asked ,gud4 ,no1 replied the man1 but ,i am looking for something4 ,i shall be glad to assist you1 offered ,gud1 and my dog here is very good in locating lost articles2 so if you will kindly tell us what you are looking for we will help you find it4 ,i am looking1 replied the man1 for creation's dawn and the end of all things4 ,i also wish to find the unknowable first cause and the eternal varieties and the limits of space4 ,i am searching for the cause of hope1 the reason for despair1 the explanation of love and the excuse for crime4 ,i am seeking a reason for all that is1 and a cause for all that ever was and an accurate prophesy of all that ever will be4 ,i am also hunting for the fundamental principles1 the absolute truth1 the laws of nature1 the theories of science1 the hypotheses of metaphysics1 the interpretations of creeds1 the aims of arts and the melodies of songs that have never been sung4 ,and ,i do wish so to locate all the unknown stars1 and trace all the lost comets1 and determine what kept the heavens in order before the law of gravitation was enacted4 ,but most of all ,i want to find out why my wife thinks ,i am a fool to be out here looking for these things4 ,if you do not object to a little operation1 said ,gud1 ,i can find all these things for you and show you where they all are4 ,then without waiting for the man to reply1 ,gud caused a deep sleep to fall upon him1 and straightway ,gud opened up the man's skull and took out his brains and laid them upon a platter4 ,when the man awoke he looked upon his own brains and saw that they were very much like calf's brains1 except that they were more convoluted and sutured4 ,and why is this platter set before me8 demanded the man as he stood there gazing upon his own brains4 ,because1 replied ,gud1 therein lies what you were looking for1 and you need search no further1 for it is all there and much more besides4 ,so1 so1 said the man1 ,i see it all1 and now ,i shall go home to my wife and find if a child has been born unto her while ,i have been away4 ,then1 said ,gud1 would you give me your torch1 since you will not be needing it longer8 ,the man did so2 and after he had gone1 ,gud took the torch and set the darkness on fire4 ,chapter ,,lxvii ,once more ,gud walked along the ,impossible ,curve1 which had now become more impossible than ever4 ,gud was lonely1 for he missed his faithful companion1 the ,underdog1 whom he had sold into slavery4 ,his heart was filled with grief1 and remorse preyed upon his soul1 and ,gud resolved never again to be ungrateful and never to be unkind1 and to grant to all creatures their wishes and to help them to realize their hearts' desires and make their dreams come true4 ,in his sorrow and loneliness ,gud walked on until his feet were sore and he was athirst4 ,then he came to a flowing fountain of pure water4 ,he paused and kneeled at the fountain4 ,when he had quenched his thirst1 he removed his sandals and bathed his feet in the stream that flowed from the fountain4 ,then ,gud laid himself down by the fountain and fell asleep1 and dreamed that a beautiful bubble appeared on the surface of the fountain4 ,the bubble which ,gud saw in his dream was iridescent with a great iridescence2 for the colors of the bubble were many and they were ever changing1 so that it was never twice alike4 ,in the iridescence of the bubble ,gud saw the essence of transcendent beauty1 for its beauty was as the beauty of youth1 and as the beauty of faith1 and as the beauty of love1 and as the beauty of a woman1 when she is young and has faith and a longing for more love than she has found4 ,as ,gud looked upon the beauty of the bubble1 he saw that it was no longer a bubble1 for it had become a woman of flesh and blood1 and hope and love and beauty4 ,and he saw that she looked upon him with faith and trust4 ,this pleased ,gud1 so he spoke in his dream to the woman of his dream and said3 ,who art thou and what wouldst thou of me8 ,and the woman replied1 ,oh1 ,gud1 ,i am a searcher after mysteries that have not been revealed and things which can not be understood4 ,and ,i am sore distressed because ,i have looked and have found them not4 ,gud asked1 ,have you looked into the mind of man8 ,i have looked into the mind of man1 replied the woman1 and it is very simple4 ,again ,gud asked3 ,have you looked into the heart of woman8 ,she replied to ,gud and said3 ,into the heart of woman have ,i also looked1 and though it is not so simple1 yet do ,i understand it1 for am ,i not a woman8 ,of a truth you are a woman1 and you are very beautiful4 ,and she smiled upon ,gud1 and when she smiled1 he vowed that he would grant her all her wishes and the fulfillment of all her dreams4 ,but first he would know who she was1 and so he spoke to her again and said3 ,of a truth1 and who art thou8 ,and she of the iridescent beauty1 which is the beauty that is ever changing1 made answer to ,gud3 ,of a truth1 great ,gud1 ,i am no other than the reader of this book which two men are writing about you4 ,what's this8 asked ,gud1 for he was much amazed1 albeit not displeased1 to hear that ,hersey and ,i were writing this book about him4 ,and the iridescent woman said again1 ,i am the reader of ',the ,book of ,gud1' which ,dan ,spain and ,harold ,hersey are writing about you4 ,how do you know they are writing it8 ,i know1 said the woman1 because it is common gossip in the ,village1 for every one there gossips about anything ,hersey has a hand in4 ,where is this village8 asked ,gud1 and who is this ,hersey creature8 ,the ,village1 she replied1 where ,hersey burns his wee small flame1 is ,south of ,fourteenth ,street and ,west of ,university ,place1 in the ,city of ,new ,york1 which is the ,gateway to the ,melting ,pot of the ,planet ,earth in the ,solar ,system of the ,universe4 ,which universe8 asked ,gud4 ,my universe1 said the woman4 ,it must be a nice one1 but what do you wish that ,i should do for you8 ,what ,i wish1 said she 7who is none other than the reader of this book7 is to find some great mystery in art or literature or in some psychic science2 and ,i wish that you would inspire these men to put something into ',the ,book of ,gud' that no one can understand4 ,i will look into the matter1 said ,gud4 ,and he did4444 ,then he looked again into the iridescent eyes of the ever-changing woman and said to her3 ,it is useless1 for ,i have searched the soul of that fellow ,spain and he is not an inspired writer but only a disgruntled hack who could not possibly write anything that you could not understand4 ,whereupon the woman was vexed with disappointment so that she began to weep1 and in the small compass of each tear she shed was the iridescence of a tiny rainbow4 ,as ,gud saw her tears1 that they were beautiful1 his heart overflowed with tenderness1 and he said with a gentle voice3 ,i will try again4 ,and now ,gud searched the soul of ,hersey4 ,his search was not without reward and when he returned again to the beautiful woman she ceased to weep1 for in his hand she saw that ,gud held a poem4 ,seating himself beside her1 he read her this poem that ,hersey had written in the white heat of inspiration3 ,chapter ,,lxviii ,she stood there carelessly arrayed ,all in jewelled dress1 ,and leaning on the balustrade ,she wept with bitterness1 ,for facing her there stood a maid ,of rival loveliness4 ,once she had been indifferent ,to languishment or guile1 ,but when ,i argued with intent ,to hold her by a smile1 ,upon my eyes her own were bent ,for quite a little while4 ,the lady raised her fluttering hands4 ,the night is cold1 she said1 ,for tropic men in northern lands1 ,for old maids still unwed1 ,and for the evil one who stands ,in heaven when he's dead4 ,she turned and gazed upon that face ,as lovely as her own1 ,the poise of beauty and of grace ,that matched her grace alone4444 ,and in that close and silent place ,i heard the lady moan4 ,i held the lady to my breast ,and kissed her mouth and eyes4 ,she sighed and snuggled down to rest ,without the least surprise1 ,while ,i told tales of sweet unrest ,that sounded very wise4 ,they say ,i'm mad1 she whispered then1 ,i weep for dear despair1 ,no matter where ,i go1 dark men ,follow me everywhere4444 ,to quiet her ,i kissed again ,her locks of golden hair4 ,great ,god6 she cried with finished grace1 ,that woman whom ,i hate4 ,i looked and in a mirror's face ,i saw the lady's mate4 ,then quiet men of that strange place ,came down the halls of state4 ,they took the lady tenderly ,away from sound and sight4 ,i answered not4 ,it seemed to me ,as though they must be right4 ,so ,i smashed the mirror utterly ,and fled into the night4 ,chapter ,,lxix ,and when ,gud had finished reading the woman asked3 ,is that all8 ,and ,gud looked at the poem in his hand and said sorrowfully1 ,that is all4 ,but that is quite comprehensible1 said the woman1 for it is merely one of ,hersey's usual plagiarisms--a twittering parody of ,rossetti's ',,the ,,blessed ,,damosel'1 and it is so simple4 ,do you understand it8 asked ,gud4 ,of course1 it merely means that the love of man is insufficient to satisfy the yearning of woman1 and so she must look into the mirror of her own soul in search of greater spiritual joys4 ,but alas1 she is shadowed by her sex consciousness as reflected in her beauty of the flesh1 and she can not escape that haunting shadow which finally drives her mad4 ,is that not simple8 ,to ,d4 ,s43 ,i protest4 ,this interpretation is entirely erroneous4--,h4 ,h4 ,to ,h4 ,h43 ,good ,god1 ,i know it6 but if you had seen what ,i first wrote about it you would keep still4--,d4 ,s4 ,i should say1 said ,gud1 that it is beautiful simplicity4 ,that is just the trouble with all that these chaps are writing4 ,they are so keen on the obvious4 ,you see1 ,i can understand all that these men have written1 for it is all explainable by psychoanalysis4 ,it is merely the symbolism of a suppressed wish to be famous4 ,and1 oh ,gud1 how ,i do crave true mystery6 ,then1 said ,gud1 you shall have it1 for am ,i not ,gud the ,great8 ,if you are1 why do you not inspire these men who are writing this book about you to put something into the book that no one can understand8 ,indeed1 if you cannot do that ,i shall be tempted to believe that you are not ,gud1 but only a mere figment of fancy conceived in the brains of two conceited young egotists who are seeking a cheap notoriety by shocking decent people with blasphemous literature4 ,i fear you are right4 ,oh1 cried the woman1 then you admit that you are what ,i said8 ,not at all4 ,i merely admit that he is what you said4 ,really1 ,gud1 you ought to have had some well-known writer do this book about you--some one who had already been suppressed1 or1 better yet1 a ,russian4 ,who are the ,russians8 asked ,gud4 ,they are the supremists in dancing1 the theorists in politics1 the idealists in economics and the realists in literature4 ,but you are romantic1 aren't you1 ,gud8 ,i think so4 ,at least ,i feel so--did you always wear your hair that way8 ,oh1 no1 indeed4 ,you see1 ,i used to wear it shorn like that of a boy1 for that fashion was once the insignia of the female intelligence4 ,but all the fat bankers' wives aped us1 so now our only chance for distinction is to ape our mothers1 and ,i wear my mother's hair4 ,see1 ,i will take it off and show it to you4 ,it is very lovely1 said ,gud1 as he fingered her mother's hair4 ,i think ,i should have loved your mother1 and it is very sweet of you to wear this hair in remembrance of her4 ,most women who have risen to your intellectual heights forget their mothers4 ,it is very kind of you to say that1 but distinction is in being different1 and so we ultra-intelligent women are again showing respect for our mothers to distinguish us from the mob of the commonplace intellectuals who came flopping into the pool of progress and muddied the water4444 ,it is a great race1 dear ,gud1 this struggle to keep ahead of the apings of the stupid4 ,yes1 yes1 so ,i find it4 ,little up-start muddling gods have quite fogged up the milky way with their nebulous creations--but pardon me if ,i suggest that ,i would rather that you put your mother's hair back on4 ,she had some difficulty in putting her mother's hair on straight2 so ,gud reached over1 and with a few deft touches1 arranged it for her4 ,then1 plucking a button from his robe1 he burnished it on his sleeve until it shone silvery bright1 and then he held it before her4 ,she looked into the mirroring silver and gave a little rapturous cry of joy1 for the hair of her mother1 on which they had both wasted so much henna1 had been turned into a brilliant shade of fluorescent opalescence--a color that no artist of the ,latin ,quarter had ever painted and that no artist of the ,village had ever imagined4 ,oh1 ,gud1 she cried1 now ,i know that ,i love you1 for they will go mad about it and ,i shall be the queen of the studios4 ,i would rather that you remain just a woman as you have so sweetly shown yourself to be4 ,never6 cried she who wanted something that no one could understand1 never1 never1 will ,i be content to be just a woman6 ,i must be1 oh so much more4 ,i must have super-personality1 and hyper-yearnings1 and ultra-strivings and transcendent seekings after ultimate mysteries--really ,i don't think you understand me at all6 ,has any one ever understood you8 asked ,gud4 ,no1 she breathed in soft expectancy4 ,only a little while ago you were searching for something that no one could understand--have we not found it in yourself8 ,perhaps1 she spoke dubiously4 ,and if you were in my book1 would it not then contain something that no one could understand8 ,do you mean it8 she faltered4 ,yes1 dear child1 for whom all writers write1 if it will bring me one more smile from those ever-changing eyes of beauty--,i will see that you are in ',the ,book of ,gud'--if ,i have to catch these blasphemous scribes and pound their heads together6 ,for that promise1 said the iridescent lady1 ,i could love you forever and a day4 ,to think that we two should be in a book together6 ,just me and ,gud6 ,and now1 she added1 in a lower tone1 ,i'll confess to you why ,i want to be in the book4 ,you see1 ,i am supposed to be a literary character and one has to be in a book to be a literary character1 you know4 ,yes1 yes1 ,i know4 ,i suppose it will make me one also4 ,but now ,i must hasten to seek out these mundane scribes1 and see to it that they put you in my book--for they have it about finished4 ,which one of them do you propose to have write me into the book8 ,which one would you prefer8 ,i hardly know1 she said4 ,that fellow ,spain is a woman hater1 and ,i am afraid he will say something unkind about me4 ,but that ,hersey poet prostitutes his art to flatter women4 ,he has an exaggerated idea of the importance of the sex consciousness in an intellectual woman's life4 ,really1 it is a choice between two evils4 ,if that is the way you feel about it1 said ,gud1 perhaps ,i had better write you into the book myself4 ,could you really8 ,oh1 ,gud6 ,i would die of joy to be written by you2 not even a movie actress ever had a celestial press agent6 ,i'll try1 said ,gud1 that is1 if you will tarry with me as ,i write4 ,do you mean that ,i would inspire you8 ,exactly4 ,that is what they all say6 ,then it must be true4 ,but why do you not say something original1 since you are ,gud8 ,because ,i am talking to you4 ,you old brute6 ,perhaps so1 but a straight line is the shortest distance between two points4 ,oh1 ,i like that1 cried she who had sought for mystery4 ,it sounds so original1 and ,i am sure that no one can understand it--what does it mean8 ,it means1 said ,gud1 that you and ,i have very much in common that quite transcends the reach and grasp of men4 ,you flatter me4 ,but really1 that is true4 ,then quick1 write it down before you lose the inspiration4 ,but ,i have nothing on which to write1 said ,gud4 ,she blushed and turned away from him1 and tore the whiteness from her bosom1 and turned again toward ,gud and handed him the whiteness that had covered up the secrets of her heart4 ,gud took the whiteness of her bosom and thereupon he began to write1 while she lay down upon the other side of the pool1 and hid her bosom away from ,gud1 lest1 now with its whiteness gone1 he might see the color of her heart4 ,and so ,gud1 who is made in the image of man1 became as a man4 ,and as he wrote he forgot the woman1 for when a pen is in the hand of man or god1 the light that lies in woman's eyes burns dim as some brief candle4 ,and this indeed is the paradox of all who wield the treacherous weapon3 that man sets out to write1 some woman's heart to flutter2 and having struck pen to paper1 if there be anything in him that rises o'er the damp swamp of woman's kisses1 then of a truth the instrument that she put into his hand becomes a knife to sever the cords with which she sought to bind him4 ,such is the tragedy of her who flutters near while men make words on paper1 that in their youth they write for her2 and their youth gone1 they still write on beyond the reaches of her soul4 ,and so1 as ,gud wrote upon the whiteness torn from a woman's bosom1 he forgot quite utterly the woman herself1 who lay by the pool trembling and suffering and trying to hide her heart from ,gud4 ,and when she saw that he had forgotten her--even though he had told her he wanted her near him and needed her for inspiration--she suffered so that her heart died within her1 and she shrank and withered and fell into the pool of the fountain1 and1 as a brown leaf1 floated on the surface of the water4 ,chapter ,,lxx ,when ,gud had finished that which he was writing he arose and looked about him4 ,he seemed to be searching for something1 but could not recall what it was1 and decided that it was of no importance4 ,he drew on his sandals and made ready to go upon his way4 ,but the way was long and ,gud recalled that he had been weary and had been athirst4 ,so he knelt by the fountain and stooped over it to drink4 ,there was a brown leaf floating on the water1 but he swished it away and drank his fill from the flowing fountain4 ,then ,gud arose and girded up his loins and went on his way along the ,impossible ,curve4 ,chapter ,,lxxi ,i met an old man walking through the sky1 ,a sort of startled twinkle in his eye4 ,and who are you8 asked ,i4 ,i am ,gud1 replied he1 with a frown4 ,which one8 ,i asked1 polite but terse1 ,but without answer he went shrieking down ,the shadowy spaces of the universe4