,,the ,,confessions ,,of ,,saint ,,augustine ,by ,saint ,augustine ,bishop of ,hippo ,translated by ,e4 ,b4 ,pusey 7,edward ,bouverie7 ,,ad #dja ,,book ,i ,great art ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 and greatly to be praised2 great is ,thy power1 and ,thy wisdom infinite4 ,and ,thee would man praise2 man1 but a particle of ,thy creation2 man1 that bears about him his mortality1 the witness of his sin1 the witness that ,thou resistest the proud3 yet would man praise ,thee2 he1 but a particle of ,thy creation4 ,thou awakest us to delight in ,thy praise2 for ,thou madest us for ,thyself1 and our heart is restless1 until it repose in ,thee4 ,grant me1 ,lord1 to know and understand which is first1 to call on ,thee or to praise ,thee8 and1 again1 to know ,thee or to call on ,thee8 for who can call on ,thee1 not knowing ,thee8 for he that knoweth ,thee not1 may call on ,thee as other than ,thou art4 ,or1 is it rather1 that we call on ,thee that we may know ,thee8 but how shall they call on ,him in whom they have not believed8 or how shall they believe without a preacher8 and they that seek the ,lord shall praise ,him3 for they that seek shall find ,him1 and they that find shall praise ,him4 ,i will seek ,thee1 ,lord1 by calling on ,thee2 and will call on ,thee1 believing in ,thee2 for to us hast ,thou been preached4 ,my faith1 ,lord1 shall call on ,thee1 which ,thou hast given me1 wherewith ,thou hast inspired me1 through the ,incarnation of ,thy ,son1 through the ministry of the ,preacher4 ,and how shall ,i call upon my ,god1 my ,god and ,lord1 since1 when ,i call for ,him1 ,i shall be calling ,him to myself8 and what room is there within me1 whither my ,god can come into me8 whither can ,god come into me1 ,god who made heaven and earth8 is there1 indeed1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 aught in me that can contain ,thee8 do then heaven and earth1 which ,thou hast made1 and wherein ,thou hast made me1 contain ,thee8 or1 because nothing which exists could exist without ,thee1 doth therefore whatever exists contain ,thee8 ,since1 then1 ,i too exist1 why do ,i seek that ,thou shouldest enter into me1 who were not1 wert ,thou not in me8 ,why8 because ,i am not gone down in hell1 and yet ,thou art there also4 ,for if ,i go down into hell1 ,thou art there4 ,i could not be then1 ,o my ,god1 could not be at all1 wert ,thou not in me2 or1 rather1 unless ,i were in ,thee1 of whom are all things1 by whom are all things1 in whom are all things8 ,even so1 ,lord1 even so4 ,whither do ,i call ,thee1 since ,i am in ,thee8 or whence canst ,thou enter into me8 for whither can ,i go beyond heaven and earth1 that thence my ,god should come into me1 who hath said1 ,i fill the heaven and the earth4 ,do the heaven and earth then contain ,thee1 since ,thou fillest them8 or dost ,thou fill them and yet overflow1 since they do not contain ,thee8 ,and whither1 when the heaven and the earth are filled1 pourest ,thou forth the remainder of ,thyself8 or hast ,thou no need that aught contain ,thee1 who containest all things1 since what ,thou fillest ,thou fillest by containing it8 for the vessels which ,thou fillest uphold ,thee not1 since1 though they were broken1 ,thou wert not poured out4 ,and when ,thou art poured out on us1 ,thou art not cast down1 but ,thou upliftest us2 ,thou art not dissipated1 but ,thou gatherest us4 ,but ,thou who fillest all things1 fillest ,thou them with ,thy whole self8 or1 since all things cannot contain ,thee wholly1 do they contain part of ,thee8 and all at once the same part8 or each its own part1 the greater more1 the smaller less8 ,and is1 then one part of ,thee greater1 another less8 or1 art ,thou wholly every where1 while nothing contains ,thee wholly8 ,what art ,thou then1 my ,god8 what1 but the ,lord ,god8 ,for who is ,lord but the ,lord8 or who is ,god save our ,god8 ,most highest1 most good1 most potent1 most omnipotent2 most merciful1 yet most just2 most hidden1 yet most present2 most beautiful1 yet most strong1 stable1 yet incomprehensible2 unchangeable1 yet all-changing2 never new1 never old2 all-renewing1 and bringing age upon the proud1 and they know it not2 ever working1 ever at rest2 still gathering1 yet nothing lacking2 supporting1 filling1 and overspreading2 creating1 nourishing1 and maturing2 seeking1 yet having all things4 ,thou lovest1 without passion2 art jealous1 without anxiety2 repentest1 yet grievest not2 art angry1 yet serene2 changest ,thy works1 ,thy purpose unchanged2 receivest again what ,thou findest1 yet didst never lose2 never in need1 yet rejoicing in gains2 never covetous1 yet exacting usury4 ,thou receivest over and above1 that ,thou mayest owe2 and who hath aught that is not ,thine8 ,thou payest debts1 owing nothing2 remittest debts1 losing nothing4 ,and what had ,i now said1 my ,god1 my life1 my holy joy8 or what saith any man when he speaks of ,thee8 ,yet woe to him that speaketh not1 since mute are even the most eloquent4 ,oh6 that ,i might repose on ,thee6 ,oh6 that ,thou wouldest enter into my heart1 and inebriate it1 that ,i may forget my ills1 and embrace ,thee1 my sole good6 ,what art ,thou to me8 ,in ,thy pity1 teach me to utter it4 ,or what am ,i to ,thee that ,thou demandest my love1 and1 if ,i give it not1 art wroth with me1 and threatenest me with grievous woes8 ,is it then a slight woe to love ,thee not8 ,oh6 for ,thy mercies' sake1 tell me1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 what ,thou art unto me4 ,say unto my soul1 ,i am thy salvation4 ,so speak1 that ,i may hear4 ,behold1 ,lord1 my heart is before ,thee2 open ,thou the ears thereof1 and say unto my soul1 ,i am thy salvation4 ,after this voice let me haste1 and take hold on ,thee4 ,hide not ,thy face from me4 ,let me die--lest ,i die--only let me see ,thy face4 ,narrow is the mansion of my soul2 enlarge ,thou it1 that ,thou mayest enter in4 ,it is ruinous2 repair ,thou it4 ,it has that within which must offend ,thine eyes2 ,i confess and know it4 ,but who shall cleanse it8 or to whom should ,i cry1 save ,thee8 ,lord1 cleanse me from my secret faults1 and spare ,thy servant from the power of the enemy4 ,i believe1 and therefore do ,i speak4 ,lord1 ,thou knowest4 ,have ,i not confessed against myself my transgressions unto ,thee1 and ,thou1 my ,god1 hast forgiven the iniquity of my heart8 ,i contend not in judgment with ,thee1 who art the truth2 ,i fear to deceive myself2 lest mine iniquity lie unto itself4 ,therefore ,i contend not in judgment with ,thee2 for if ,thou1 ,lord1 shouldest mark iniquities1 ,o ,lord1 who shall abide it8 ,yet suffer me to speak unto ,thy mercy1 me1 dust and ashes4 ,yet suffer me to speak1 since ,i speak to ,thy mercy1 and not to scornful man4 ,thou too1 perhaps1 despisest me1 yet wilt ,thou return and have compassion upon me4 ,for what would ,i say1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 but that ,i know not whence ,i came into this dying life 7shall ,i call it87 or living death4 ,then immediately did the comforts of ,thy compassion take me up1 as ,i heard 7for ,i remember it not7 from the parents of my flesh1 out of whose substance ,thou didst sometime fashion me4 ,thus there received me the comforts of woman's milk4 ,for neither my mother nor my nurses stored their own breasts for me2 but ,thou didst bestow the food of my infancy through them1 according to ,thine ordinance1 whereby ,thou distributest ,thy riches through the hidden springs of all things4 ,thou also gavest me to desire no more than ,thou gavest2 and to my nurses willingly to give me what ,thou gavest them4 ,for they1 with a heaven-taught affection1 willingly gave me what they abounded with from ,thee4 ,for this my good from them1 was good for them4 ,nor1 indeed1 from them was it1 but through them2 for from ,thee1 ,o ,god1 are all good things1 and from my ,god is all my health4 ,this ,i since learned1 ,thou1 through these ,thy gifts1 within me and without1 proclaiming ,thyself unto me4 ,for then ,i knew but to suck2 to repose in what pleased1 and cry at what offended my flesh2 nothing more4 ,afterwards ,i began to smile2 first in sleep1 then waking3 for so it was told me of myself1 and ,i believed it2 for we see the like in other infants1 though of myself ,i remember it not4 ,thus1 little by little1 ,i became conscious where ,i was2 and to have a wish to express my wishes to those who could content them1 and ,i could not2 for the wishes were within me1 and they without2 nor could they by any sense of theirs enter within my spirit4 ,so ,i flung about at random limbs and voice1 making the few signs ,i could1 and such as ,i could1 like1 though in truth very little like1 what ,i wished4 ,and when ,i was not presently obeyed 7my wishes being hurtful or unintelligible71 then ,i was indignant with my elders for not submitting to me1 with those owing me no service1 for not serving me2 and avenged myself on them by tears4 ,such have ,i learnt infants to be from observing them2 and that ,i was myself such1 they1 all unconscious1 have shown me better than my nurses who knew it4 ,and1 lo6 my infancy died long since1 and ,i live4 ,but ,thou1 ,lord1 who for ever livest1 and in whom nothing dies3 for before the foundation of the worlds1 and before all that can be called before1 ,thou art1 and art ,god and ,lord of all which ,thou hast created3 in ,thee abide1 fixed for ever1 the first causes of all things unabiding2 and of all things changeable1 the springs abide in ,thee unchangeable3 and in ,thee live the eternal reasons of all things unreasoning and temporal4 ,say1 ,lord1 to me1 ,thy suppliant2 say1 all-pitying1 to me1 ,thy pitiable one2 say1 did my infancy succeed another age of mine that died before it8 was it that which ,i spent within my mother's womb8 for of that ,i have heard somewhat1 and have myself seen women with child8 and what before that life again1 ,o ,god my joy1 was ,i any where or any body8 ,for this have ,i none to tell me1 neither father nor mother1 nor experience of others1 nor mine own memory4 ,dost ,thou mock me for asking this1 and bid me praise ,thee and acknowledge ,thee1 for that ,i do know8 ,i acknowledge ,thee1 ,lord of heaven and earth1 and praise ,thee for my first rudiments of being1 and my infancy1 whereof ,i remember nothing2 for ,thou hast appointed that man should from others guess much as to himself2 and believe much on the strength of weak females4 ,even then ,i had being and life1 and 7at my infancy's close7 ,i could seek for signs whereby to make known to others my sensations4 ,whence could such a being be1 save from ,thee1 ,lord8 ,shall any be his own artificer8 or can there elsewhere be derived any vein1 which may stream essence and life into us1 save from thee1 ,o ,lord1 in whom essence and life are one8 for ,thou ,thyself art supremely ,essence and ,life4 ,for ,thou art most high1 and art not changed1 neither in ,thee doth to-day come to a close2 yet in ,thee doth it come to a close2 because all such things also are in ,thee4 ,for they had no way to pass away1 unless ,thou upheldest them4 ,and since ,thy years fail not1 ,thy years are one to-day4 ,how many of ours and our fathers' years have flowed away through ,thy to-day1 and from it received the measure and the mould of such being as they had2 and still others shall flow away1 and so receive the mould of their degree of being4 ,but ,thou art still the same1 and all things of tomorrow1 and all beyond1 and all of yesterday1 and all behind it1 ,thou hast done to-day4 ,what is it to me1 though any comprehend not this8 ,let him also rejoice and say1 ,what thing is this8 ,let him rejoice even thus6 and be content rather by not discovering to discover ,thee1 than by discovering not to discover ,thee4 ,hear1 ,o ,god4 ,alas1 for man's sin6 ,so saith man1 and ,thou pitiest him2 for ,thou madest him1 but sin in him ,thou madest not4 ,who remindeth me of the sins of my infancy8 for in ,thy sight none is pure from sin1 not even the infant whose life is but a day upon the earth4 ,who remindeth me8 doth not each little infant1 in whom ,i see what of myself ,i remember not8 ,what then was my sin8 was it that ,i hung upon the breast and cried8 for should ,i now so do for food suitable to my age1 justly should ,i be laughed at and reproved4 ,what ,i then did was worthy reproof2 but since ,i could not understand reproof1 custom and reason forbade me to be reproved4 ,for those habits1 when grown1 we root out and cast away4 ,now no man1 though he prunes1 wittingly casts away what is good4 ,or was it then good1 even for a while1 to cry for what1 if given1 would hurt8 bitterly to resent1 that persons free1 and its own elders1 yea1 the very authors of its birth1 served it not8 that many besides1 wiser than it1 obeyed not the nod of its good pleasure8 to do its best to strike and hurt1 because commands were not obeyed1 which had been obeyed to its hurt8 ,the weakness then of infant limbs1 not its will1 is its innocence4 ,myself have seen and known even a baby envious2 it could not speak1 yet it turned pale and looked bitterly on its foster-brother4 ,who knows not this8 ,mothers and nurses tell you that they allay these things by ,i know not what remedies4 ,is that too innocence1 when the fountain of milk is flowing in rich abundance1 not to endure one to share it1 though in extremest need1 and whose very life as yet depends thereon8 ,we bear gently with all this1 not as being no or slight evils1 but because they will disappear as years increase2 for1 though tolerated now1 the very same tempers are utterly intolerable when found in riper years4 ,thou1 then1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 who gavest life to this my infancy1 furnishing thus with senses 7as we see7 the frame ,thou gavest1 compacting its limbs1 ornamenting its proportions1 and1 for its general good and safety1 implanting in it all vital functions1 ,thou commandest me to praise ,thee in these things1 to confess unto ,thee1 and sing unto ,thy name1 ,thou most ,highest4 ,for ,thou art ,god1 ,almighty and ,good1 even hadst ,thou done nought but only this1 which none could do but ,thou3 whose ,unity is the mould of all things2 who out of ,thy own fairness makest all things fair2 and orderest all things by ,thy law4 ,this age then1 ,lord1 whereof ,i have no remembrance1 which ,i take on others' word1 and guess from other infants that ,i have passed1 true though the guess be1 ,i am yet loth to count in this life of mine which ,i live in this world4 ,for no less than that which ,i spent in my mother's womb1 is it hid from me in the shadows of forgetfulness4 ,but if ,i was shapen in iniquity1 and in sin did my mother conceive me1 where1 ,i beseech ,thee1 ,o my ,god1 where1 ,lord1 or when1 was ,i ,thy servant guiltless8 ,but1 lo6 that period ,i pass by2 and what have ,i now to do with that1 of which ,i can recall no vestige8 ,passing hence from infancy1 ,i came to boyhood1 or rather it came to me1 displacing infancy4 ,nor did that depart1--7for whither went it87--and yet it was no more4 ,for ,i was no longer a speechless infant1 but a speaking boy4 ,this ,i remember2 and have since observed how ,i learned to speak4 ,it was not that my elders taught me words 7as1 soon after1 other learning7 in any set method2 but ,i1 longing by cries and broken accents and various motions of my limbs to express my thoughts1 that so ,i might have my will1 and yet unable to express all ,i willed1 or to whom ,i willed1 did myself1 by the understanding which ,thou1 my ,god1 gavest me1 practise the sounds in my memory4 ,when they named any thing1 and as they spoke turned towards it1 ,i saw and remembered that they called what they would point out by the name they uttered4 ,and that they meant this thing and no other was plain from the motion of their body1 the natural language1 as it were1 of all nations1 expressed by the countenance1 glances of the eye1 gestures of the limbs1 and tones of the voice1 indicating the affections of the mind1 as it pursues1 possesses1 rejects1 or shuns4 ,and thus by constantly hearing words1 as they occurred in various sentences1 ,i collected gradually for what they stood2 and having broken in my mouth to these signs1 ,i thereby gave utterance to my will4 ,thus ,i exchanged with those about me these current signs of our wills1 and so launched deeper into the stormy intercourse of human life1 yet depending on parental authority and the beck of elders4 ,o ,god my ,god1 what miseries and mockeries did ,i now experience1 when obedience to my teachers was proposed to me1 as proper in a boy1 in order that in this world ,i might prosper1 and excel in tongue-science1 which should serve to the praise of men1 and to deceitful riches4 ,next ,i was put to school to get learning1 in which ,i 7poor wretch7 knew not what use there was2 and yet1 if idle in learning1 ,i was beaten4 ,for this was judged right by our forefathers2 and many1 passing the same course before us1 framed for us weary paths1 through which we were fain to pass2 multiplying toil and grief upon the sons of ,adam4 ,but1 ,lord1 we found that men called upon ,thee1 and we learnt from them to think of ,thee 7according to our powers7 as of some great ,one1 who1 though hidden from our senses1 couldest hear and help us4 ,for so ,i began1 as a boy1 to pray to ,thee1 my aid and refuge2 and broke the fetters of my tongue to call on ,thee1 praying ,thee1 though small1 yet with no small earnestness1 that ,i might not be beaten at school4 ,and when ,thou heardest me not 7not thereby giving me over to folly71 my elders1 yea my very parents1 who yet wished me no ill1 mocked my stripes1 my then great and grievous ill4 ,is there1 ,lord1 any of soul so great1 and cleaving to ,thee with so intense affection 7for a sort of stupidity will in a way do it72 but is there any one who1 from cleaving devoutly to ,thee1 is endued with so great a spirit1 that he can think as lightly of the racks and hooks and other torments 7against which1 throughout all lands1 men call on ,thee with extreme dread71 mocking at those by whom they are feared most bitterly1 as our parents mocked the torments which we suffered in boyhood from our masters8 ,for we feared not our torments less2 nor prayed we less to ,thee to escape them4 ,and yet we sinned1 in writing or reading or studying less than was exacted of us4 ,for we wanted not1 ,o ,lord1 memory or capacity1 whereof ,thy will gave enough for our age2 but our sole delight was play2 and for this we were punished by those who yet themselves were doing the like4 ,but elder folks' idleness is called business2 that of boys1 being really the same1 is punished by those elders2 and none commiserates either boys or men4 ,for will any of sound discretion approve of my being beaten as a boy1 because1 by playing a ball1 ,i made less progress in studies which ,i was to learn1 only that1 as a man1 ,i might play more unbeseemingly8 and what else did he who beat me8 who1 if worsted in some trifling discussion with his fellow-tutor1 was more embittered and jealous than ,i when beaten at ball by a play-fellow8 ,and yet1 ,i sinned herein1 ,o ,lord ,god1 the ,creator and ,disposer of all things in nature1 of sin the ,disposer only1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 ,i sinned in transgressing the commands of my parents and those of my masters4 ,for what they1 with whatever motive1 would have me learn1 ,i might afterwards have put to good use4 ,for ,i disobeyed1 not from a better choice1 but from love of play1 loving the pride of victory in my contests1 and to have my ears tickled with lying fables1 that they might itch the more2 the same curiosity flashing from my eyes more and more1 for the shows and games of my elders4 ,yet those who give these shows are in such esteem1 that almost all wish the same for their children1 and yet are very willing that they should be beaten1 if those very games detain them from the studies1 whereby they would have them attain to be the givers of them4 ,look with pity1 ,lord1 on these things1 and deliver us who call upon ,thee now2 deliver those too who call not on ,thee yet1 that they may call on ,thee1 and ,thou mayest deliver them4 ,as a boy1 then1 ,i had already heard of an eternal life1 promised us through the humility of the ,lord our ,god stooping to our pride2 and even from the womb of my mother1 who greatly hoped in ,thee1 ,i was sealed with the mark of ,his cross and salted with ,his salt4 ,thou sawest1 ,lord1 how while yet a boy1 being seized on a time with sudden oppression of the stomach1 and like near to death--,thou sawest1 my ,god 7for ,thou wert my keeper71 with what eagerness and what faith ,i sought1 from the pious care of my mother and ,thy ,church1 the mother of us all1 the baptism of ,thy ,christ1 my ,god and ,lord4 ,whereupon the mother of my flesh1 being much troubled 7since1 with a heart pure in ,thy faith1 she even more lovingly travailed in birth of my salvation71 would in eager haste have provided for my consecration and cleansing by the health-giving sacraments1 confessing ,thee1 ,lord ,jesus1 for the remission of sins1 unless ,i had suddenly recovered4 ,and so1 as if ,i must needs be again polluted should ,i live1 my cleansing was deferred1 because the defilements of sin would1 after that washing1 bring greater and more perilous guilt4 ,i then already believed3 and my mother1 and the whole household1 except my father3 yet did not he prevail over the power of my mother's piety in me1 that as he did not yet believe1 so neither should ,i4 ,for it was her earnest care that ,thou my ,god1 rather than he1 shouldest be my father2 and in this ,thou didst aid her to prevail over her husband1 whom she1 the better1 obeyed1 therein also obeying ,thee1 who hast so commanded4 ,i beseech ,thee1 my ,god1 ,i would fain know1 if so ,thou willest1 for what purpose my baptism was then deferred8 was it for my good that the rein was laid loose1 as it were1 upon me1 for me to sin8 or was it not laid loose8 ,if not1 why does it still echo in our ears on all sides1 ,let him alone1 let him do as he will1 for he is not yet baptised8 but as to bodily health1 no one says1 ,let him be worse wounded1 for he is not yet healed4 ,how much better then1 had ,i been at once healed2 and then1 by my friends' and my own1 my soul's recovered health had been kept safe in ,thy keeping who gavest it4 ,better truly4 ,but how many and great waves of temptation seemed to hang over me after my boyhood6 ,these my mother foresaw2 and preferred to expose to them the clay whence ,i might afterwards be moulded1 than the very cast1 when made4 ,in boyhood itself1 however 7so much less dreaded for me than youth71 ,i loved not study1 and hated to be forced to it4 ,yet ,i was forced2 and this was well done towards me1 but ,i did not well2 for1 unless forced1 ,i had not learnt4 ,but no one doth well against his will1 even though what he doth1 be well4 ,yet neither did they well who forced me1 but what was well came to me from ,thee1 my ,god4 ,for they were regardless how ,i should employ what they forced me to learn1 except to satiate the insatiate desires of a wealthy beggary1 and a shameful glory4 ,but ,thou1 by whom the very hairs of our head are numbered1 didst use for my good the error of all who urged me to learn2 and my own1 who would not learn1 ,thou didst use for my punishment--a fit penalty for one1 so small a boy and so great a sinner4 ,so by those who did not well1 ,thou didst well for me2 and by my own sin ,thou didst justly punish me4 ,for ,thou hast commanded1 and so it is1 that every inordinate affection should be its own punishment4 ,but why did ,i so much hate the ,greek1 which ,i studied as a boy8 ,i do not yet fully know4 ,for the ,latin ,i loved2 not what my first masters1 but what the so-called grammarians taught me4 ,for those first lessons1 reading1 writing and arithmetic1 ,i thought as great a burden and penalty as any ,greek4 ,and yet whence was this too1 but from the sin and vanity of this life1 because ,i was flesh1 and a breath that passeth away and cometh not again8 ,for those first lessons were better certainly1 because more certain2 by them ,i obtained1 and still retain1 the power of reading what ,i find written1 and myself writing what ,i will2 whereas in the others1 ,i was forced to learn the wanderings of one ,aeneas1 forgetful of my own1 and to weep for dead ,dido1 because she killed herself for love2 the while1 with dry eyes1 ,i endured my miserable self dying among these things1 far from ,thee1 ,o ,god my life4 ,for what more miserable than a miserable being who commiserates not himself2 weeping the death of ,dido for love to ,aeneas1 but weeping not his own death for want of love to ,thee1 ,o ,god4 ,thou light of my heart1 ,thou bread of my inmost soul1 ,thou ,power who givest vigour to my mind1 who quickenest my thoughts1 ,i loved ,thee not4 ,i committed fornication against ,thee1 and all around me thus fornicating there echoed ,well done6 well done6 for the friendship of this world is fornication against ,thee2 and ,well done6 well done6 echoes on till one is ashamed not to be thus a man4 ,and for all this ,i wept not1 ,i who wept for ,dido slain1 and seeking by the sword a stroke and wound extreme1 myself seeking the while a worse extreme1 the extremest and lowest of ,thy creatures1 having forsaken ,thee1 earth passing into the earth4 ,and if forbid to read all this1 ,i was grieved that ,i might not read what grieved me4 ,madness like this is thought a higher and a richer learning1 than that by which ,i learned to read and write4 ,but now1 my ,god1 cry ,thou aloud in my soul2 and let ,thy truth tell me1 ,not so1 not so4 ,far better was that first study4 ,for1 lo1 ,i would readily forget the wanderings of ,aeneas and all the rest1 rather than how to read and write4 ,but over the entrance of the ,grammar ,school is a vail drawn6 true2 yet is this not so much an emblem of aught recondite1 as a cloak of error4 ,let not those1 whom ,i no longer fear1 cry out against me1 while ,i confess to ,thee1 my ,god1 whatever my soul will1 and acquiesce in the condemnation of my evil ways1 that ,i may love ,thy good ways4 ,let not either buyers or sellers of grammar-learning cry out against me4 ,for if ,i question them whether it be true that ,aeneas came on a time to ,carthage1 as the poet tells1 the less learned will reply that they know not1 the more learned that he never did4 ,but should ,i ask with what letters the name ,aeneas is written1 every one who has learnt this will answer me aright1 as to the signs which men have conventionally settled4 ,if1 again1 ,i should ask which might be forgotten with least detriment to the concerns of life1 reading and writing or these poetic fictions8 who does not foresee what all must answer who have not wholly forgotten themselves8 ,i sinned1 then1 when as a boy ,i preferred those empty to those more profitable studies1 or rather loved the one and hated the other4 ,one and one1 two2 two and two1 four2 this was to me a hateful singsong3 the wooden horse lined with armed men1 and the burning of ,troy1 and ,creusa's shade and sad similitude1 were the choice spectacle of my vanity4 ,why then did ,i hate the ,greek classics1 which have the like tales8 ,for ,homer also curiously wove the like fictions1 and is most sweetly-vain1 yet was he bitter to my boyish taste4 ,and so ,i suppose would ,virgil be to ,grecian children1 when forced to learn him as ,i was ,homer4 ,difficulty1 in truth1 the difficulty of a foreign tongue1 dashed1 as it were1 with gall all the sweetness of ,grecian fable4 ,for not one word of it did ,i understand1 and to make me understand ,i was urged vehemently with cruel threats and punishments4 ,time was also 7as an infant7 ,i knew no ,latin2 but this ,i learned without fear or suffering1 by mere observation1 amid the caresses of my nursery and jests of friends1 smiling and sportively encouraging me4 ,this ,i learned without any pressure of punishment to urge me on1 for my heart urged me to give birth to its conceptions1 which ,i could only do by learning words not of those who taught1 but of those who talked with me2 in whose ears also ,i gave birth to the thoughts1 whatever ,i conceived4 ,no doubt1 then1 that a free curiosity has more force in our learning these things1 than a frightful enforcement4 ,only this enforcement restrains the rovings of that freedom1 through ,thy laws1 ,o my ,god1 ,thy laws1 from the master's cane to the martyr's trials1 being able to temper for us a wholesome bitter1 recalling us to ,thyself from that deadly pleasure which lures us from ,thee4 ,hear1 ,lord1 my prayer2 let not my soul faint under ,thy discipline1 nor let me faint in confessing unto ,thee all ,thy mercies1 whereby ,thou hast drawn me out of all my most evil ways1 that ,thou mightest become a delight to me above all the allurements which ,i once pursued2 that ,i may most entirely love ,thee1 and clasp ,thy hand with all my affections1 and ,thou mayest yet rescue me from every temptation1 even unto the end4 ,for lo1 ,o ,lord1 my ,king and my ,god1 for ,thy service be whatever useful thing my childhood learned2 for ,thy service1 that ,i speak1 write1 read1 reckon4 ,for ,thou didst grant me ,thy discipline1 while ,i was learning vanities2 and my sin of delighting in those vanities ,thou hast forgiven4 ,in them1 indeed1 ,i learnt many a useful word1 but these may as well be learned in things not vain2 and that is the safe path for the steps of youth4 ,but woe is thee1 thou torrent of human custom6 ,who shall stand against thee8 how long shalt thou not be dried up8 how long roll the sons of ,eve into that huge and hideous ocean1 which even they scarcely overpass who climb the cross8 ,did not ,i read in thee of ,jove the thunderer and the adulterer8 both1 doubtless1 he could not be2 but so the feigned thunder might countenance and pander to real adultery4 ,and now which of our gowned masters lends a sober ear to one who from their own school cries out1 ,these were ,homer's fictions1 transferring things human to the gods2 would he had brought down things divine to us6 ,yet more truly had he said1 ,these are indeed his fictions2 but attributing a divine nature to wicked men1 that crimes might be no longer crimes1 and whoso commits them might seem to imitate not abandoned men1 but the celestial gods4 ,and yet1 thou hellish torrent1 into thee are cast the sons of men with rich rewards1 for compassing such learning2 and a great solemnity is made of it1 when this is going on in the forum1 within sight of laws appointing a salary beside the scholar's payments2 and thou lashest thy rocks and roarest1 ,hence words are learnt2 hence eloquence2 most necessary to gain your ends1 or maintain opinions4 ,as if we should have never known such words as golden shower1 lap1 beguile1 temples of the heavens1 or others in that passage1 unless ,terence had brought a lewd youth upon the stage1 setting up ,jupiter as his example of seduction4 ,viewing a picture1 where the tale was drawn1 ,of ,jove's descending in a golden shower ,to ,danae's lap a woman to beguile4 ,and then mark how he excites himself to lust as by celestial authority3 ,and what ,god8 ,great ,jove1 ,who shakes heaven's highest temples with his thunder1 ,and ,i1 poor mortal man1 not do the same6 ,i did it1 and with all my heart ,i did it4 ,not one whit more easily are the words learnt for all this vileness2 but by their means the vileness is committed with less shame4 ,not that ,i blame the words1 being1 as it were1 choice and precious vessels2 but that wine of error which is drunk to us in them by intoxicated teachers2 and if we1 too1 drink not1 we are beaten1 and have no sober judge to whom we may appeal4 ,yet1 ,o my ,god 7in whose presence ,i now without hurt may remember this71 all this unhappily ,i learnt willingly with great delight1 and for this was pronounced a hopeful boy4 ,bear with me1 my ,god1 while ,i say somewhat of my wit1 ,thy gift1 and on what dotages ,i wasted it4 ,for a task was set me1 troublesome enough to my soul1 upon terms of praise or shame1 and fear of stripes1 to speak the words of ,juno1 as she raged and mourned that she could not ,this ,trojan prince from ,latinum turn4 ,which words ,i had heard that ,juno never uttered2 but we were forced to go astray in the footsteps of these poetic fictions1 and to say in prose much what he expressed in verse4 ,and his speaking was most applauded1 in whom the passions of rage and grief were most preeminent1 and clothed in the most fitting language1 maintaining the dignity of the character4 ,what is it to me1 ,o my true life1 my ,god1 that my declamation was applauded above so many of my own age and class8 is not all this smoke and wind8 and was there nothing else whereon to exercise my wit and tongue8 ,thy praises1 ,lord1 ,thy praises might have stayed the yet tender shoot of my heart by the prop of ,thy ,scriptures2 so had it not trailed away amid these empty trifles1 a defiled prey for the fowls of the air4 ,for in more ways than one do men sacrifice to the rebellious angels4 ,but what marvel that ,i was thus carried away to vanities1 and went out from ,thy presence1 ,o my ,god1 when men were set before me as models1 who1 if in relating some action of theirs1 in itself not ill1 they committed some barbarism or solecism1 being censured1 were abashed2 but when in rich and adorned and well-ordered discourse they related their own disordered life1 being bepraised1 they gloried8 ,these things ,thou seest1 ,lord1 and holdest ,thy peace2 long-suffering1 and plenteous in mercy and truth4 ,wilt ,thou hold ,thy peace for ever8 and even now ,thou drawest out of this horrible gulf the soul that seeketh ,thee1 that thirsteth for ,thy pleasures1 whose heart saith unto ,thee1 ,i have sought ,thy face2 ,thy face1 ,lord1 will ,i seek4 ,for darkened affections is removal from ,thee4 ,for it is not by our feet1 or change of place1 that men leave ,thee1 or return unto ,thee4 ,or did that ,thy younger son look out for horses or chariots1 or ships1 fly with visible wings1 or journey by the motion of his limbs1 that he might in a far country waste in riotous living all ,thou gavest at his departure8 a loving ,father1 when ,thou gavest1 and more loving unto him1 when he returned empty4 ,so then in lustful1 that is1 in darkened affections1 is the true distance from ,thy face4 ,behold1 ,o ,lord ,god1 yea1 behold patiently as ,thou art wont how carefully the sons of men observe the covenanted rules of letters and syllables received from those who spake before them1 neglecting the eternal covenant of everlasting salvation received from ,thee4 ,insomuch1 that a teacher or learner of the hereditary laws of pronunciation will more offend men by speaking without the aspirate1 of a uman being1 in despite of the laws of grammar1 than if he1 a human being1 hate a human being in despite of ,thine4 ,as if any enemy could be more hurtful than the hatred with which he is incensed against him2 or could wound more deeply him whom he persecutes1 than he wounds his own soul by his enmity4 ,assuredly no science of letters can be so innate as the record of conscience1 that he is doing to another what from another he would be loth to suffer4 ,how deep are ,thy ways1 ,o ,god1 ,thou only great1 that sittest silent on high and by an unwearied law dispensing penal blindness to lawless desires4 ,in quest of the fame of eloquence1 a man standing before a human judge1 surrounded by a human throng1 declaiming against his enemy with fiercest hatred1 will take heed most watchfully1 lest1 by an error of the tongue1 he murder the word human being2 but takes no heed1 lest1 through the fury of his spirit1 he murder the real human being4 ,this was the world at whose gate unhappy ,i lay in my boyhood2 this the stage where ,i had feared more to commit a barbarism1 than having committed one1 to envy those who had not4 ,these things ,i speak and confess to ,thee1 my ,god2 for which ,i had praise from them1 whom ,i then thought it all virtue to please4 ,for ,i saw not the abyss of vileness1 wherein ,i was cast away from ,thine eyes4 ,before them what more foul than ,i was already1 displeasing even such as myself8 with innumerable lies deceiving my tutor1 my masters1 my parents1 from love of play1 eagerness to see vain shows and restlessness to imitate them6 ,thefts also ,i committed1 from my parents' cellar and table1 enslaved by greediness1 or that ,i might have to give to boys1 who sold me their play1 which all the while they liked no less than ,i4 ,in this play1 too1 ,i often sought unfair conquests1 conquered myself meanwhile by vain desire of preeminence4 ,and what could ,i so ill endure1 or1 when ,i detected it1 upbraided ,i so fiercely1 as that ,i was doing to others8 and for which if1 detected1 ,i was upbraided1 ,i chose rather to quarrel than to yield4 ,and is this the innocence of boyhood8 ,not so1 ,lord1 not so2 ,i cry ,thy mercy1 my ,god4 ,for these very sins1 as riper years succeed1 these very sins are transferred from tutors and masters1 from nuts and balls and sparrows1 to magistrates and kings1 to gold and manors and slaves1 just as severer punishments displace the cane4 ,it was the low stature then of childhood which ,thou our ,king didst commend as an emblem of lowliness1 when ,thou saidst1 ,of such is the kingdom of heaven4 ,yet1 ,lord1 to ,thee1 the ,creator and ,governor of the universe1 most excellent and most good1 thanks were due to ,thee our ,god1 even hadst ,thou destined for me boyhood only4 ,for even then ,i was1 ,i lived1 and felt2 and had an implanted providence over my well-being--a trace of that mysterious ,unity whence ,i was derived2 ,i guarded by the inward sense the entireness of my senses1 and in these minute pursuits1 and in my thoughts on things minute1 ,i learnt to delight in truth1 ,i hated to be deceived1 had a vigorous memory1 was gifted with speech1 was soothed by friendship1 avoided pain1 baseness1 ignorance4 ,in so small a creature1 what was not wonderful1 not admirable8 ,but all are gifts of my ,god3 it was not ,i who gave them me2 and good these are1 and these together are myself4 ,good1 then1 is ,he that made me1 and ,he is my good2 and before ,him will ,i exult for every good which of a boy ,i had4 ,for it was my sin1 that not in ,him1 but in ,his creatures--myself and others--,i sought for pleasures1 sublimities1 truths1 and so fell headlong into sorrows1 confusions1 errors4 ,thanks be to ,thee1 my joy and my glory and my confidence1 my ,god1 thanks be to ,thee for ,thy gifts2 but do ,thou preserve them to me4 ,for so wilt ,thou preserve me1 and those things shall be enlarged and perfected which ,thou hast given me1 and ,i myself shall be with ,thee1 since even to be ,thou hast given me4 ,,book ,,ii ,i will now call to mind my past foulness1 and the carnal corruptions of my soul2 not because ,i love them1 but that ,i may love ,thee1 ,o my ,god4 ,for love of ,thy love ,i do it2 reviewing my most wicked ways in the very bitterness of my remembrance1 that ,thou mayest grow sweet unto me 7,thou sweetness never failing1 ,thou blissful and assured sweetness72 and gathering me again out of that my dissipation1 wherein ,i was torn piecemeal1 while turned from ,thee1 the ,one ,good1 ,i lost myself among a multiplicity of things4 ,for ,i even burnt in my youth heretofore1 to be satiated in things below2 and ,i dared to grow wild again1 with these various and shadowy loves3 my beauty consumed away1 and ,i stank in ,thine eyes2 pleasing myself1 and desirous to please in the eyes of men4 ,and what was it that ,i delighted in1 but to love1 and be loved8 but ,i kept not the measure of love1 of mind to mind1 friendship's bright boundary3 but out of the muddy concupiscence of the flesh1 and the bubblings of youth1 mists fumed up which beclouded and overcast my heart1 that ,i could not discern the clear brightness of love from the fog of lustfulness4 ,both did confusedly boil in me1 and hurried my unstayed youth over the precipice of unholy desires1 and sunk me in a gulf of flagitiousnesses4 ,thy wrath had gathered over me1 and ,i knew it not4 ,i was grown deaf by the clanking of the chain of my mortality1 the punishment of the pride of my soul1 and ,i strayed further from ,thee1 and ,thou lettest me alone1 and ,i was tossed about1 and wasted1 and dissipated1 and ,i boiled over in my fornications1 and ,thou heldest ,thy peace1 ,o ,thou my tardy joy6 ,thou then heldest ,thy peace1 and ,i wandered further and further from ,thee1 into more and more fruitless seed-plots of sorrows1 with a proud dejectedness1 and a restless weariness4 ,oh6 that some one had then attempered my disorder1 and turned to account the fleeting beauties of these1 the extreme points of ,thy creation6 had put a bound to their pleasureableness1 that so the tides of my youth might have cast themselves upon the marriage shore1 if they could not be calmed1 and kept within the object of a family1 as ,thy law prescribes1 ,o ,lord3 who this way formest the offspring of this our death1 being able with a gentle hand to blunt the thorns which were excluded from ,thy paradise8 ,for ,thy omnipotency is not far from us1 even when we be far from ,thee4 ,else ought ,i more watchfully to have heeded the voice from the clouds3 ,nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh1 but ,i spare you4 ,and it is good for a man not to touch a woman4 ,and1 he that is unmarried thinketh of the things of the ,lord1 how he may please the ,lord2 but he that is married careth for the things of this world1 how he may please his wife4 ,to these words ,i should have listened more attentively1 and being severed for the kingdom of heaven's sake1 had more happily awaited ,thy embraces2 but ,i1 poor wretch1 foamed like a troubled sea1 following the rushing of my own tide1 forsaking ,thee1 and exceeded all ,thy limits2 yet ,i escaped not ,thy scourges4 ,for what mortal can8 ,for ,thou wert ever with me mercifully rigorous1 and besprinkling with most bitter alloy all my unlawful pleasures3 that ,i might seek pleasures without alloy4 ,but where to find such1 ,i could not discover1 save in ,thee1 ,o ,lord1 who teachest by sorrow1 and woundest us1 to heal2 and killest us1 lest we die from ,thee4 ,where was ,i1 and how far was ,i exiled from the delights of ,thy house1 in that sixteenth year of the age of my flesh1 when the madness of lust 7to which human shamelessness giveth free licence1 though unlicensed by ,thy laws7 took the rule over me1 and ,i resigned myself wholly to it8 ,my friends meanwhile took no care by marriage to save my fall2 their only care was that ,i should learn to speak excellently1 and be a persuasive orator4 ,for that year were my studies intermitted3 whilst after my return from ,madaura 7a neighbour city1 whither ,i had journeyed to learn grammar and rhetoric71 the expenses for a further journey to ,carthage were being provided for me2 and that rather by the resolution than the means of my father1 who was but a poor freeman of ,thagaste4 ,to whom tell ,i this8 not to ,thee1 my ,god2 but before ,thee to mine own kind1 even to that small portion of mankind as may light upon these writings of mine4 ,and to what purpose8 that whosoever reads this1 may think out of what depths we are to cry unto ,thee4 ,for what is nearer to ,thine ears than a confessing heart1 and a life of faith8 ,who did not extol my father1 for that beyond the ability of his means1 he would furnish his son with all necessaries for a far journey for his studies' sake8 ,for many far abler citizens did no such thing for their children4 ,but yet this same father had no concern how ,i grew towards ,thee1 or how chaste ,i were2 so that ,i were but copious in speech1 however barren ,i were to ,thy culture1 ,o ,god1 who art the only true and good ,lord of ,thy field1 my heart4 ,but while in that my sixteenth year ,i lived with my parents1 leaving all school for a while 7a season of idleness being interposed through the narrowness of my parents' fortunes71 the briers of unclean desires grew rank over my head1 and there was no hand to root them out4 ,when that my father saw me at the baths1 now growing towards manhood1 and endued with a restless youthfulness1 he1 as already hence anticipating his descendants1 gladly told it to my mother2 rejoicing in that tumult of the senses wherein the world forgetteth ,thee its ,creator1 and becometh enamoured of ,thy creature1 instead of ,thyself1 through the fumes of that invisible wine of its self-will1 turning aside and bowing down to the very basest things4 ,but in my mother's breast ,thou hadst already begun ,thy temple1 and the foundation of ,thy holy habitation1 whereas my father was as yet but a ,catechumen1 and that but recently4 ,she then was startled with a holy fear and trembling2 and though ,i was not as yet baptised1 feared for me those crooked ways in which they walk who turn their back to ,thee1 and not their face4 ,woe is me6 and dare ,i say that ,thou heldest ,thy peace1 ,o my ,god1 while ,i wandered further from ,thee8 ,didst ,thou then indeed hold ,thy peace to me8 ,and whose but ,thine were these words which by my mother1 ,thy faithful one1 ,thou sangest in my ears8 ,nothing whereof sunk into my heart1 so as to do it4 ,for she wished1 and ,i remember in private with great anxiety warned me1 not to commit fornication2 but especially never to defile another man's wife4 ,these seemed to me womanish advices1 which ,i should blush to obey4 ,but they were ,thine1 and ,i knew it not3 and ,i thought ,thou wert silent and that it was she who spake2 by whom ,thou wert not silent unto me2 and in her wast despised by me1 her son1 the son of ,thy handmaid1 ,thy servant4 ,but ,i knew it not2 and ran headlong with such blindness1 that amongst my equals ,i was ashamed of a less shamelessness1 when ,i heard them boast of their flagitiousness1 yea1 and the more boasting1 the more they were degraded3 and ,i took pleasure1 not only in the pleasure of the deed1 but in the praise4 ,what is worthy of dispraise but vice8 ,but ,i made myself worse than ,i was1 that ,i might not be dispraised2 and when in any thing ,i had not sinned as the abandoned ones1 ,i would say that ,i had done what ,i had not done1 that ,i might not seem contemptible in proportion as ,i was innocent2 or of less account1 the more chaste4 ,behold with what companions ,i walked the streets of ,babylon1 and wallowed in the mire thereof1 as if in a bed of spices and precious ointments4 ,and that ,i might cleave the faster to its very centre1 the invisible enemy trod me down1 and seduced me1 for that ,i was easy to be seduced4 ,neither did the mother of my flesh 7who had now fled out of the centre of ,babylon1 yet went more slowly in the skirts thereof as she advised me to chastity1 so heed what she had heard of me from her husband1 as to restrain within the bounds of conjugal affection1 if it could not be pared away to the quick7 what she felt to be pestilent at present and for the future dangerous4 ,she heeded not this1 for she feared lest a wife should prove a clog and hindrance to my hopes4 ,not those hopes of the world to come1 which my mother reposed in ,thee2 but the hope of learning1 which both my parents were too desirous ,i should attain2 my father1 because he had next to no thought of ,thee1 and of me but vain conceits2 my mother1 because she accounted that those usual courses of learning would not only be no hindrance1 but even some furtherance towards attaining ,thee4 ,for thus ,i conjecture1 recalling1 as well as ,i may1 the disposition of my parents4 ,the reins1 meantime1 were slackened to me1 beyond all temper of due severity1 to spend my time in sport1 yea1 even unto dissoluteness in whatsoever ,i affected4 ,and in all was a mist1 intercepting from me1 ,o my ,god1 the brightness of ,thy truth2 and mine iniquity burst out as from very fatness4 ,theft is punished by ,thy law1 ,o ,lord1 and the law written in the hearts of men1 which iniquity itself effaces not4 ,for what thief will abide a thief8 not even a rich thief1 one stealing through want4 ,yet ,i lusted to thieve1 and did it1 compelled by no hunger1 nor poverty1 but through a cloyedness of well-doing1 and a pamperedness of iniquity4 ,for ,i stole that1 of which ,i had enough1 and much better4 ,nor cared ,i to enjoy what ,i stole1 but joyed in the theft and sin itself4 ,a pear tree there was near our vineyard1 laden with fruit1 tempting neither for colour nor taste4 ,to shake and rob this1 some lewd young fellows of us went1 late one night 7having according to our pestilent custom prolonged our sports in the streets till then71 and took huge loads1 not for our eating1 but to fling to the very hogs1 having only tasted them4 ,and this1 but to do what we liked only1 because it was misliked4 ,behold my heart1 ,o ,god1 behold my heart1 which ,thou hadst pity upon in the bottom of the bottomless pit4 ,now1 behold1 let my heart tell ,thee what it sought there1 that ,i should be gratuitously evil1 having no temptation to ill1 but the ill itself4 ,it was foul1 and ,i loved it2 ,i loved to perish1 ,i loved mine own fault1 not that for which ,i was faulty1 but my fault itself4 ,foul soul1 falling from ,thy firmament to utter destruction2 not seeking aught through the shame1 but the shame itself6 ,for there is an attractiveness in beautiful bodies1 in gold and silver1 and all things2 and in bodily touch1 sympathy hath much influence1 and each other sense hath his proper object answerably tempered4 ,worldy honour hath also its grace1 and the power of overcoming1 and of mastery2 whence springs also the thirst of revenge4 ,but yet1 to obtain all these1 we may not depart from ,thee1 ,o ,lord1 nor decline from ,thy law4 ,the life also which here we live hath its own enchantment1 through a certain proportion of its own1 and a correspondence with all things beautiful here below4 ,human friendship also is endeared with a sweet tie1 by reason of the unity formed of many souls4 ,upon occasion of all these1 and the like1 is sin committed1 while through an immoderate inclination towards these goods of the lowest order1 the better and higher are forsaken1--,thou1 our ,lord ,god1 ,thy truth1 and ,thy law4 ,for these lower things have their delights1 but not like my ,god1 who made all things2 for in ,him doth the righteous delight1 and ,he is the joy of the upright in heart4 ,when1 then1 we ask why a crime was done1 we believe it not1 unless it appear that there might have been some desire of obtaining some of those which we called lower goods1 or a fear of losing them4 ,for they are beautiful and comely2 although compared with those higher and beatific goods1 they be abject and low4 ,a man hath murdered another2 why8 he loved his wife or his estate2 or would rob for his own livelihood2 or feared to lose some such things by him2 or1 wronged1 was on fire to be revenged4 ,would any commit murder upon no cause1 delighted simply in murdering8 who would believe it8 for as for that furious and savage man1 of whom it is said that he was gratuitously evil and cruel1 yet is the cause assigned2 lest 7saith he7 through idleness hand or heart should grow inactive4 ,and to what end8 that1 through that practice of guilt1 he might1 having taken the city1 attain to honours1 empire1 riches1 and be freed from fear of the laws1 and his embarrassments from domestic needs1 and consciousness of villainies4 ,so then1 not even ,catiline himself loved his own villainies1 but something else1 for whose sake he did them4 ,what then did wretched ,i so love in thee1 thou theft of mine1 thou deed of darkness1 in that sixteenth year of my age8 ,lovely thou wert not1 because thou wert theft4 ,but art thou any thing1 that thus ,i speak to thee8 ,fair were the pears we stole1 because they were ,thy creation1 ,thou fairest of all1 ,creator of all1 ,thou good ,god2 ,god1 the sovereign good and my true good4 ,fair were those pears1 but not them did my wretched soul desire2 for ,i had store of better1 and those ,i gathered1 only that ,i might steal4 ,for1 when gathered1 ,i flung them away1 my only feast therein being my own sin1 which ,i was pleased to enjoy4 ,for if aught of those pears came within my mouth1 what sweetened it was the sin4 ,and now1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 ,i enquire what in that theft delighted me2 and behold it hath no loveliness2 ,i mean not such loveliness as in justice and wisdom2 nor such as is in the mind and memory1 and senses1 and animal life of man2 nor yet as the stars are glorious and beautiful in their orbs2 or the earth1 or sea1 full of embryo-life1 replacing by its birth that which decayeth2 nay1 nor even that false and shadowy beauty which belongeth to deceiving vices4 ,for so doth pride imitate exaltedness2 whereas ,thou alone art ,god exalted over all4 ,ambition1 what seeks it1 but honours and glory8 whereas ,thou alone art to be honoured above all1 and glorious for evermore4 ,the cruelty of the great would fain be feared2 but who is to be feared but ,god alone1 out of whose power what can be wrested or withdrawn8 when1 or where1 or whither1 or by whom8 ,the tendernesses of the wanton would fain be counted love3 yet is nothing more tender than ,thy charity2 nor is aught loved more healthfully than that ,thy truth1 bright and beautiful above all4 ,curiosity makes semblance of a desire of knowledge2 whereas ,thou supremely knowest all4 ,yea1 ignorance and foolishness itself is cloaked under the name of simplicity and uninjuriousness2 because nothing is found more single than ,thee3 and what less injurious1 since they are his own works which injure the sinner8 ,yea1 sloth would fain be at rest2 but what stable rest besides the ,lord8 ,luxury affects to be called plenty and abundance2 but ,thou art the fulness and never-failing plenteousness of incorruptible pleasures4 ,prodigality presents a shadow of liberality3 but ,thou art the most overflowing ,giver of all good4 ,covetousness would possess many things2 and ,thou possessest all things4 ,envy disputes for excellency3 what more excellent than ,thou8 ,anger seeks revenge3 who revenges more justly than ,thou8 ,fear startles at things unwonted and sudden1 which endangers things beloved1 and takes forethought for their safety2 but to ,thee what unwonted or sudden1 or who separateth from ,thee what ,thou lovest8 ,or where but with ,thee is unshaken safety8 ,grief pines away for things lost1 the delight of its desires2 because it would have nothing taken from it1 as nothing can from ,thee4 ,thus doth the soul commit fornication1 when she turns from ,thee1 seeking without ,thee1 what she findeth not pure and untainted1 till she returns to ,thee4 ,thus all pervertedly imitate ,thee1 who remove far from ,thee1 and lift themselves up against ,thee4 ,but even by thus imitating ,thee1 they imply ,thee to be the ,creator of all nature2 whence there is no place whither altogether to retire from ,thee4 ,what then did ,i love in that theft8 and wherein did ,i even corruptly and pervertedly imitate my ,lord8 ,did ,i wish even by stealth to do contrary to ,thy law1 because by power ,i could not1 so that being a prisoner1 ,i might mimic a maimed liberty by doing with impunity things unpermitted me1 a darkened likeness of ,thy ,omnipotency8 ,behold1 ,thy servant1 fleeing from his ,lord1 and obtaining a shadow4 ,o rottenness1 ,o monstrousness of life1 and depth of death6 could ,i like what ,i might not1 only because ,i might not8 ,what shall ,i render unto the ,lord1 that1 whilst my memory recalls these things1 my soul is not affrighted at them8 ,i will love ,thee1 ,o ,lord1 and thank ,thee1 and confess unto ,thy name2 because ,thou hast forgiven me these so great and heinous deeds of mine4 ,to ,thy grace ,i ascribe it1 and to ,thy mercy1 that ,thou hast melted away my sins as it were ice4 ,to ,thy grace ,i ascribe also whatsoever ,i have not done of evil2 for what might ,i not have done1 who even loved a sin for its own sake8 ,yea1 all ,i confess to have been forgiven me2 both what evils ,i committed by my own wilfulness1 and what by ,thy guidance ,i committed not4 ,what man is he1 who1 weighing his own infirmity1 dares to ascribe his purity and innocency to his own strength2 that so he should love ,thee the less1 as if he had less needed ,thy mercy1 whereby ,thou remittest sins to those that turn to ,thee8 ,for whosoever1 called by ,thee1 followed ,thy voice1 and avoided those things which he reads me recalling and confessing of myself1 let him not scorn me1 who being sick1 was cured by that ,physician1 through whose aid it was that he was not1 or rather was less1 sick3 and for this let him love ,thee as much1 yea and more2 since by whom he sees me to have been recovered from such deep consumption of sin1 by ,him he sees himself to have been from the like consumption of sin preserved4 ,what fruit had ,i then 7wretched man67 in those things1 of the remembrance whereof ,i am now ashamed8 ,especially1 in that theft which ,i loved for the theft's sake2 and it too was nothing1 and therefore the more miserable ,i1 who loved it4 ,yet alone ,i had not done it3 such was ,i then1 ,i remember1 alone ,i had never done it4 ,i loved then in it also the company of the accomplices1 with whom ,i did it8 ,i did not then love nothing else but the theft1 yea rather ,i did love nothing else2 for that circumstance of the company was also nothing4 ,what is1 in truth8 who can teach me1 save ,he that enlighteneth my heart1 and discovereth its dark corners8 ,what is it which hath come into my mind to enquire1 and discuss1 and consider8 ,for had ,i then loved the pears ,i stole1 and wished to enjoy them1 ,i might have done it alone1 had the bare commission of the theft sufficed to attain my pleasure2 nor needed ,i have inflamed the itching of my desires by the excitement of accomplices4 ,but since my pleasure was not in those pears1 it was in the offence itself1 which the company of fellow-sinners occasioned4 ,what then was this feeling8 ,for of a truth it was too foul3 and woe was me1 who had it4 ,but yet what was it8 ,who can understand his errors8 ,it was the sport1 which as it were tickled our hearts1 that we beguiled those who little thought what we were doing1 and much disliked it4 ,why then was my delight of such sort that ,i did it not alone8 ,because none doth ordinarily laugh alone8 ordinarily no one2 yet laughter sometimes masters men alone and singly when no one whatever is with them1 if anything very ludicrous presents itself to their senses or mind4 ,yet ,i had not done this alone2 alone ,i had never done it4 ,behold my ,god1 before ,thee1 the vivid remembrance of my soul2 alone1 ,i had never committed that theft wherein what ,i stole pleased me not1 but that ,i stole2 nor had it alone liked me to do it1 nor had ,i done it4 ,o friendship too unfriendly6 thou incomprehensible inveigler of the soul1 thou greediness to do mischief out of mirth and wantonness1 thou thirst of others' loss1 without lust of my own gain or revenge3 but when it is said1 ,let's go1 let's do it1 we are ashamed not to be shameless4 ,who can disentangle that twisted and intricate knottiness8 ,foul is it3 ,i hate to think on it1 to look on it4 ,but ,thee ,i long for1 ,o ,righteousness and ,innocency1 beautiful and comely to all pure eyes1 and of a satisfaction unsating4 ,with ,thee is rest entire1 and life imperturbable4 ,whoso enters into ,thee1 enters into the joy of his ,lord3 and shall not fear1 and shall do excellently in the ,all-,excellent4 ,i sank away from ,thee1 and ,i wandered1 ,o my ,god1 too much astray from ,thee my stay1 in these days of my youth1 and ,i became to myself a barren land4 ,,book ,,iii ,to ,carthage ,i came1 where there sang all around me in my ears a cauldron of unholy loves4 ,i loved not yet1 yet ,i loved to love1 and out of a deep-seated want1 ,i hated myself for wanting not4 ,i sought what ,i might love1 in love with loving1 and safety ,i hated1 and a way without snares4 ,for within me was a famine of that inward food1 ,thyself1 my ,god2 yet1 through that famine ,i was not hungered2 but was without all longing for incorruptible sustenance1 not because filled therewith1 but the more empty1 the more ,i loathed it4 ,for this cause my soul was sickly and full of sores1 it miserably cast itself forth1 desiring to be scraped by the touch of objects of sense4 ,yet if these had not a soul1 they would not be objects of love4 ,to love then1 and to be beloved1 was sweet to me2 but more1 when ,i obtained to enjoy the person ,i loved1 ,i defiled1 therefore1 the spring of friendship with the filth of concupiscence1 and ,i beclouded its brightness with the hell of lustfulness2 and thus foul and unseemly1 ,i would fain1 through exceeding vanity1 be fine and courtly4 ,i fell headlong then into the love wherein ,i longed to be ensnared4 ,my ,god1 my ,mercy1 with how much gall didst ,thou out of ,thy great goodness besprinkle for me that sweetness8 ,for ,i was both beloved1 and secretly arrived at the bond of enjoying2 and was with joy fettered with sorrow-bringing bonds1 that ,i might be scourged with the iron burning rods of jealousy1 and suspicions1 and fears1 and angers1 and quarrels4 ,stage-plays also carried me away1 full of images of my miseries1 and of fuel to my fire4 ,why is it1 that man desires to be made sad1 beholding doleful and tragical things1 which yet himself would no means suffer8 yet he desires as a spectator to feel sorrow at them1 and this very sorrow is his pleasure4 ,what is this but a miserable madness8 for a man is the more affected with these actions1 the less free he is from such affections4 ,howsoever1 when he suffers in his own person1 it uses to be styled misery3 when he compassionates others1 then it is mercy4 ,but what sort of compassion is this for feigned and scenical passions8 for the auditor is not called on to relieve1 but only to grieve3 and he applauds the actor of these fictions the more1 the more he grieves4 ,and if the calamities of those persons 7whether of old times1 or mere fiction7 be so acted1 that the spectator is not moved to tears1 he goes away disgusted and criticising2 but if he be moved to passion1 he stays intent1 and weeps for joy4 ,are griefs then too loved8 ,verily all desire joy4 ,or whereas no man likes to be miserable1 is he yet pleased to be merciful8 which because it cannot be without passion1 for this reason alone are passions loved8 ,this also springs from that vein of friendship4 ,but whither goes that vein8 whither flows it8 wherefore runs it into that torrent of pitch bubbling forth those monstrous tides of foul lustfulness1 into which it is wilfully changed and transformed1 being of its own will precipitated and corrupted from its heavenly clearness8 ,shall compassion then be put away8 by no means4 ,be griefs then sometimes loved4 ,but beware of uncleanness1 ,o my soul1 under the guardianship of my ,god1 the ,god of our fathers1 who is to be praised and exalted above all for ever1 beware of uncleanness4 ,for ,i have not now ceased to pity2 but then in the theatres ,i rejoiced with lovers when they wickedly enjoyed one another1 although this was imaginary only in the play4 ,and when they lost one another1 as if very compassionate1 ,i sorrowed with them1 yet had my delight in both4 ,but now ,i much more pity him that rejoiceth in his wickedness1 than him who is thought to suffer hardship1 by missing some pernicious pleasure1 and the loss of some miserable felicity4 ,this certainly is the truer mercy1 but in it grief delights not4 ,for though he that grieves for the miserable1 be commended for his office of charity2 yet had he1 who is genuinely compassionate1 rather there were nothing for him to grieve for4 ,for if good will be ill willed 7which can never be71 then may he1 who truly and sincerely commiserates1 wish there might be some miserable1 that he might commiserate4 ,some sorrow may then be allowed1 none loved4 ,for thus dost ,thou1 ,o ,lord ,god1 who lovest souls far more purely than we1 and hast more incorruptibly pity on them1 yet are wounded with no sorrowfulness4 ,and who is sufficient for these things8 ,but ,i1 miserable1 then loved to grieve1 and sought out what to grieve at1 when in another's and that feigned and personated misery1 that acting best pleased me1 and attracted me the most vehemently1 which drew tears from me4 ,what marvel that an unhappy sheep1 straying from ,thy flock1 and impatient of ,thy keeping1 ,i became infected with a foul disease8 ,and hence the love of griefs2 not such as should sink deep into me2 for ,i loved not to suffer1 what ,i loved to look on2 but such as upon hearing their fictions should lightly scratch the surface2 upon which1 as on envenomed nails1 followed inflamed swelling1 impostumes1 and a putrefied sore4 ,my life being such1 was it life1 ,o my ,god8 ,and ,thy faithful mercy hovered over me afar4 ,upon how grievous iniquities consumed ,i myself1 pursuing a sacrilegious curiosity1 that having forsaken ,thee1 it might bring me to the treacherous abyss1 and the beguiling service of devils1 to whom ,i sacrificed my evil actions1 and in all these things ,thou didst scourge me6 ,i dared even1 while ,thy solemnities were celebrated within the walls of ,thy ,church1 to desire1 and to compass a business deserving death for its fruits1 for which ,thou scourgedst me with grievous punishments1 though nothing to my fault1 ,o ,thou my exceeding mercy1 my ,god1 my refuge from those terrible destroyers1 among whom ,i wandered with a stiff neck1 withdrawing further from ,thee1 loving mine own ways1 and not ,thine2 loving a vagrant liberty4 ,those studies also1 which were accounted commendable1 had a view to excelling in the courts of litigation2 the more bepraised1 the craftier4 ,such is men's blindness1 glorying even in their blindness4 ,and now ,i was chief in the rhetoric school1 whereat ,i joyed proudly1 and ,i swelled with arrogancy1 though 7,lord1 ,thou knowest7 far quieter and altogether removed from the subvertings of those ,subverters 7for this ill-omened and devilish name was the very badge of gallantry7 among whom ,i lived1 with a shameless shame that ,i was not even as they4 ,with them ,i lived1 and was sometimes delighted with their friendship1 whose doings ,i ever did abhor--i4e41 their subvertings1 wherewith they wantonly persecuted the modesty of strangers1 which they disturbed by a gratuitous jeering1 feeding thereon their malicious birth4 ,nothing can be liker the very actions of devils than these4 ,what then could they be more truly called than ,subverters8 themselves subverted and altogether perverted first1 the deceiving spirits secretly deriding and seducing them1 wherein themselves delight to jeer at and deceive others4 ,among such as these1 in that unsettled age of mine1 learned ,i books of eloquence1 wherein ,i desired to be eminent1 out of a damnable and vainglorious end1 a joy in human vanity4 ,in the ordinary course of study1 ,i fell upon a certain book of ,cicero1 whose speech almost all admire1 not so his heart4 ,this book of his contains an exhortation to philosophy1 and is called ,hortensius4 ,but this book altered my affections1 and turned my prayers to ,thyself ,o ,lord2 and made me have other purposes and desires4 ,every vain hope at once became worthless to me2 and ,i longed with an incredibly burning desire for an immortality of wisdom1 and began now to arise1 that ,i might return to ,thee4 ,for not to sharpen my tongue 7which thing ,i seemed to be purchasing with my mother's allowances1 in that my nineteenth year1 my father being dead two years before71 not to sharpen my tongue did ,i employ that book2 nor did it infuse into me its style1 but its matter4 ,how did ,i burn then1 my ,god1 how did ,i burn to re-mount from earthly things to ,thee1 nor knew ,i what ,thou wouldest do with me8 ,for with ,thee is wisdom4 ,but the love of wisdom is in ,greek called philosophy1 with which that book inflamed me4 ,some there be that seduce through philosophy1 under a great1 and smooth1 and honourable name colouring and disguising their own errors3 and almost all who in that and former ages were such1 are in that book censured and set forth3 there also is made plain that wholesome advice of ,thy ,spirit1 by ,thy good and devout servant3 ,beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit1 after the tradition of men1 after the rudiments of the world1 and not after ,christ4 ,for in ,him dwelleth all the fulness of the ,godhead bodily4 ,and since at that time 7,thou1 ,o light of my heart1 knowest7 ,apostolic ,scripture was not known to me1 ,i was delighted with that exhortation1 so far only1 that ,i was thereby strongly roused1 and kindled1 and inflamed to love1 and seek1 and obtain1 and hold1 and embrace not this or that sect1 but wisdom itself whatever it were2 and this alone checked me thus unkindled1 that the name of ,christ was not in it4 ,for this name1 according to ,thy mercy1 ,o ,lord1 this name of my ,saviour ,thy ,son1 had my tender heart1 even with my mother's milk1 devoutly drunk in and deeply treasured2 and whatsoever was without that name1 though never so learned1 polished1 or true1 took not entire hold of me4 ,i resolved then to bend my mind to the holy ,scriptures1 that ,i might see what they were4 ,but behold1 ,i see a thing not understood by the proud1 nor laid open to children1 lowly in access1 in its recesses lofty1 and veiled with mysteries2 and ,i was not such as could enter into it1 or stoop my neck to follow its steps4 ,for not as ,i now speak1 did ,i feel when ,i turned to those ,scriptures2 but they seemed to me unworthy to be compared to the stateliness of ,tully3 for my swelling pride shrunk from their lowliness1 nor could my sharp wit pierce the interior thereof4 ,yet were they such as would grow up in a little one4 ,but ,i disdained to be a little one2 and1 swollen with pride1 took myself to be a great one4 ,therefore ,i fell among men proudly doting1 exceeding carnal and prating1 in whose mouths were the snares of the ,devil1 limed with the mixture of the syllables of ,thy name1 and of our ,lord ,jesus ,christ1 and of the ,holy ,ghost1 the ,paraclete1 our ,comforter4 ,these names departed not out of their mouth1 but so far forth as the sound only and the noise of the tongue1 for the heart was void of truth4 ,yet they cried out ,truth1 ,truth1 and spake much thereof to me1 yet it was not in them3 but they spake falsehood1 not of ,thee only 7who truly art ,truth71 but even of those elements of this world1 ,thy creatures4 ,and ,i indeed ought to have passed by even philosophers who spake truth concerning them1 for love of ,thee1 my ,father1 supremely good1 ,beauty of all things beautiful4 ,o ,truth1 ,truth1 how inwardly did even then the marrow of my soul pant after ,thee1 when they often and diversely1 and in many and huge books1 echoed of ,thee to me1 though it was but an echo8 ,and these were the dishes wherein to me1 hungering after ,thee1 they1 instead of ,thee1 served up the ,sun and ,moon1 beautiful works of ,thine1 but yet ,thy works1 not ,thyself1 no nor ,thy first works4 ,for ,thy spiritual works are before these corporeal works1 celestial though they be1 and shining4 ,but ,i hungered and thirsted not even after those first works of ,thine1 but after ,thee ,thyself1 the ,truth1 in whom is no variableness1 neither shadow of turning3 yet they still set before me in those dishes1 glittering fantasies1 than which better were it to love this very sun 7which is real to our sight at least71 than those fantasies which by our eyes deceive our mind4 ,yet because ,i thought them to be ,thee1 ,i fed thereon2 not eagerly1 for ,thou didst not in them taste to me as ,thou art2 for ,thou wast not these emptinesses1 nor was ,i nourished by them1 but exhausted rather4 ,food in sleep shows very like our food awake2 yet are not those asleep nourished by it1 for they are asleep4 ,but those were not even any way like to ,thee1 as ,thou hast now spoken to me2 for those were corporeal fantasies1 false bodies1 than which these true bodies1 celestial or terrestrial1 which with our fleshly sight we behold1 are far more certain3 these things the beasts and birds discern as well as we1 and they are more certain than when we fancy them4 ,and again1 we do with more certainty fancy them1 than by them conjecture other vaster and infinite bodies which have no being4 ,such empty husks was ,i then fed on2 and was not fed4 ,but ,thou1 my soul's ,love1 in looking for whom ,i fail1 that ,i may become strong1 art neither those bodies which we see1 though in heaven2 nor those which we see not there2 for ,thou hast created them1 nor dost ,thou account them among the chiefest of ,thy works4 ,how far then art ,thou from those fantasies of mine1 fantasies of bodies which altogether are not1 than which the images of those bodies1 which are1 are far more certain1 and more certain still the bodies themselves1 which yet ,thou art not2 no1 nor yet the soul1 which is the life of the bodies4 ,so then1 better and more certain is the life of the bodies than the bodies4 ,but ,thou art the life of souls1 the life of lives1 having life in ,thyself2 and changest not1 life of my soul4 ,where then wert ,thou then to me1 and how far from me8 ,far verily was ,i straying from ,thee1 barred from the very husks of the swine1 whom with husks ,i fed4 ,for how much better are the fables of poets and grammarians than these snares8 ,for verses1 and poems1 and ,medea flying1 are more profitable truly than these men's five elements1 variously disguised1 answering to five dens of darkness1 which have no being1 yet slay the believer4 ,for verses and poems ,i can turn to true food1 and ,medea flying1 though ,i did sing1 ,i maintained not2 though ,i heard it sung1 ,i believed not3 but those things ,i did believe4 ,woe1 woe1 by what steps was ,i brought down to the depths of hell6 toiling and turmoiling through want of ,truth1 since ,i sought after ,thee1 my ,god 7to ,thee ,i confess it1 who hadst mercy on me1 not as yet confessing71 not according to the understanding of the mind1 wherein ,thou willedst that ,i should excel the beasts1 but according to the sense of the flesh4 ,but ,thou wert more inward to me than my most inward part2 and higher than my highest4 ,i lighted upon that bold woman1 simple and knoweth nothing1 shadowed out in ,solomon1 sitting at the door1 and saying1 ,eat ye bread of secrecies willingly1 and drink ye stolen waters which are sweet3 she seduced me1 because she found my soul dwelling abroad in the eye of my flesh1 and ruminating on such food as through it ,i had devoured4 ,for other than this1 that which really is ,i knew not2 and was1 as it were through sharpness of wit1 persuaded to assent to foolish deceivers1 when they asked me1 whence is evil8 is ,god bounded by a bodily shape1 and has hairs and nails8 are they to be esteemed righteous who had many wives at once1 and did kill men1 and sacrifice living creatures8 ,at which ,i1 in my ignorance1 was much troubled1 and departing from the truth1 seemed to myself to be making towards it2 because as yet ,i knew not that evil was nothing but a privation of good1 until at last a thing ceases altogether to be2 which how should ,i see1 the sight of whose eyes reached only to bodies1 and of my mind to a phantasm8 ,and ,i knew not ,god to be a ,spirit1 not one who hath parts extended in length and breadth1 or whose being was bulk2 for every bulk is less in a part than in the whole3 and if it be infinite1 it must be less in such part as is defined by a certain space1 than in its infinitude2 and so is not wholly every where1 as ,spirit1 as ,god4 ,and what that should be in us1 by which we were like to ,god1 and might be rightly said to be after the image of ,god1 ,i was altogether ignorant4 ,nor knew ,i that true inward righteousness which judgeth not according to custom1 but out of the most rightful law of ,god ,almighty1 whereby the ways of places and times were disposed according to those times and places2 itself meantime being the same always and every where1 not one thing in one place1 and another in another2 according to which ,abraham1 and ,isaac1 and ,jacob1 and ,moses1 and ,david1 were righteous1 and all those commended by the mouth of ,god2 but were judged unrighteous by silly men1 judging out of man's judgment1 and measuring by their own petty habits1 the moral habits of the whole human race4 ,as if in an armory1 one ignorant what were adapted to each part should cover his head with greaves1 or seek to be shod with a helmet1 and complain that they fitted not3 or as if on a day when business is publicly stopped in the afternoon1 one were angered at not being allowed to keep open shop1 because he had been in the forenoon2 or when in one house he observeth some servant take a thing in his hand1 which the butler is not suffered to meddle with2 or something permitted out of doors1 which is forbidden in the dining-room2 and should be angry1 that in one house1 and one family1 the same thing is not allotted every where1 and to all4 ,even such are they who are fretted to hear something to have been lawful for righteous men formerly1 which now is not2 or that ,god1 for certain temporal respects1 commanded them one thing1 and these another1 obeying both the same righteousness3 whereas they see1 in one man1 and one day1 and one house1 different things to be fit for different members1 and a thing formerly lawful1 after a certain time not so2 in one corner permitted or commanded1 but in another rightly forbidden and punished4 ,is justice therefore various or mutable8 ,no1 but the times1 over which it presides1 flow not evenly1 because they are times4 ,but men whose days are few upon the earth1 for that by their senses they cannot harmonise the causes of things in former ages and other nations1 which they had not experience of1 with these which they have experience of1 whereas in one and the same body1 day1 or family1 they easily see what is fitting for each member1 and season1 part1 and person2 to the one they take exceptions1 to the other they submit4 ,these things ,i then knew not1 nor observed2 they struck my sight on all sides1 and ,i saw them not4 ,i indited verses1 in which ,i might not place every foot every where1 but differently in different metres2 nor even in any one metre the self-same foot in all places4 ,yet the art itself1 by which ,i indited1 had not different principles for these different cases1 but comprised all in one4 ,still ,i saw not how that righteousness1 which good and holy men obeyed1 did far more excellently and sublimely contain in one all those things which ,god commanded1 and in no part varied2 although in varying times it prescribed not every thing at once1 but apportioned and enjoined what was fit for each4 ,and ,i in my blindness1 censured the holy ,fathers1 not only wherein they made use of things present as ,god commanded and inspired them1 but also wherein they were foretelling things to come1 as ,god was revealing in them4 ,can it at any time or place be unjust to love ,god with all his heart1 with all his soul1 and with all his mind2 and his neighbour as himself8 ,therefore are those foul offences which be against nature1 to be every where and at all times detested and punished2 such as were those of the men of ,sodom3 which should all nations commit1 they should all stand guilty of the same crime1 by the law of ,god1 which hath not so made men that they should so abuse one another4 ,for even that intercourse which should be between ,god and us is violated1 when that same nature1 of which ,he is ,author1 is polluted by perversity of lust4 ,but those actions which are offences against the customs of men1 are to be avoided according to the customs severally prevailing2 so that a thing agreed upon1 and confirmed1 by custom or law of any city or nation1 may not be violated at the lawless pleasure of any1 whether native or foreigner4 ,for any part which harmoniseth not with its whole1 is offensive4 ,but when ,god commands a thing to be done1 against the customs or compact of any people1 though it were never by them done heretofore1 it is to be done2 and if intermitted1 it is to be restored2 and if never ordained1 is now to be ordained4 ,for lawful if it be for a king1 in the state which he reigns over1 to command that which no one before him1 nor he himself heretofore1 had commanded1 and to obey him cannot be against the common weal of the state 7nay1 it were against it if he were not obeyed1 for to obey princes is a general compact of human society72 how much more unhesitatingly ought we to obey ,god1 in all which ,he commands1 the ,ruler of all ,his creatures6 ,for as among the powers in man's society1 the greater authority is obeyed in preference to the lesser1 so must ,god above all4 ,so in acts of violence1 where there is a wish to hurt1 whether by reproach or injury2 and these either for revenge1 as one enemy against another2 or for some profit belonging to another1 as the robber to the traveller2 or to avoid some evil1 as towards one who is feared2 or through envy1 as one less fortunate to one more so1 or one well thriven in any thing1 to him whose being on a par with himself he fears1 or grieves at1 or for the mere pleasure at another's pain1 as spectators of gladiators1 or deriders and mockers of others4 ,these be the heads of iniquity which spring from the lust of the flesh1 of the eye1 or of rule1 either singly1 or two combined1 or all together2 and so do men live ill against the three1 and seven1 that psaltery of ten strings1 ,thy ,ten ,commandments1 ,o ,god1 most high1 and most sweet4 ,but what foul offences can there be against ,thee1 who canst not be defiled8 or what acts of violence against ,thee1 who canst not be harmed8 ,but ,thou avengest what men commit against themselves1 seeing also when they sin against ,thee1 they do wickedly against their own souls1 and iniquity gives itself the lie1 by corrupting and perverting their nature1 which ,thou hast created and ordained1 or by an immoderate use of things allowed1 or in burning in things unallowed1 to that use which is against nature2 or are found guilty1 raging with heart and tongue against ,thee1 kicking against the pricks2 or when1 bursting the pale of human society1 they boldly joy in self-willed combinations or divisions1 according as they have any object to gain or subject of offence4 ,and these things are done when ,thou art forsaken1 ,o ,fountain of ,life1 who art the only and true ,creator and ,governor of the ,universe1 and by a self-willed pride1 any one false thing is selected therefrom and loved4 ,so then by a humble devoutness we return to ,thee2 and ,thou cleansest us from our evil habits1 and art merciful to their sins who confess1 and hearest the groaning of the prisoner1 and loosest us from the chains which we made for ourselves1 if we lift not up against ,thee the horns of an unreal liberty1 suffering the loss of all1 through covetousness of more1 by loving more our own private good than ,thee1 the ,good of all4 ,amidst these offences of foulness and violence1 and so many iniquities1 are sins of men1 who are on the whole making proficiency2 which by those that judge rightly1 are1 after the rule of perfection1 discommended1 yet the persons commended1 upon hope of future fruit1 as in the green blade of growing corn4 ,and there are some1 resembling offences of foulness or violence1 which yet are no sins2 because they offend neither ,thee1 our ,lord ,god1 nor human society2 when1 namely1 things fitting for a given period are obtained for the service of life1 and we know not whether out of a lust of having2 or when things are1 for the sake of correction1 by constituted authority punished1 and we know not whether out of a lust of hurting4 ,many an action then which in men's sight is disapproved1 is by ,thy testimony approved2 and many1 by men praised1 are 7,thou being witness7 condemned3 because the show of the action1 and the mind of the doer1 and the unknown exigency of the period1 severally vary4 ,but when ,thou on a sudden commandest an unwonted and unthought of thing1 yea1 although ,thou hast sometime forbidden it1 and still for the time hidest the reason of ,thy command1 and it be against the ordinance of some society of men1 who doubts but it is to be done1 seeing that society of men is just which serves ,thee8 ,but blessed are they who know ,thy commands6 ,for all things were done by ,thy servants2 either to show forth something needful for the present1 or to foreshow things to come4 ,these things ,i being ignorant of1 scoffed at those ,thy holy servants and prophets4 ,and what gained ,i by scoffing at them1 but to be scoffed at by ,thee1 being insensibly and step by step drawn on to those follies1 as to believe that a fig-tree wept when it was plucked1 and the tree1 its mother1 shed milky tears8 ,which fig notwithstanding 7plucked by some other's1 not his own1 guilt7 had some ,manichaean saint eaten1 and mingled with his bowels1 he should breathe out of it angels1 yea1 there shall burst forth particles of divinity1 at every moan or groan in his prayer1 which particles of the most high and true ,god had remained bound in that fig1 unless they had been set at liberty by the teeth or belly of some ,elect saint6 ,and ,i1 miserable1 believed that more mercy was to be shown to the fruits of the earth than men1 for whom they were created4 ,for if any one an hungered1 not a ,manichaean1 should ask for any1 that morsel would seem as it were condemned to capital punishment1 which should be given him4 ,and ,thou sentest ,thine hand from above1 and drewest my soul out of that profound darkness1 my mother1 ,thy faithful one1 weeping to ,thee for me1 more than mothers weep the bodily deaths of their children4 ,for she1 by that faith and spirit which she had from ,thee1 discerned the death wherein ,i lay1 and ,thou heardest her1 ,o ,lord2 ,thou heardest her1 and despisedst not her tears1 when streaming down1 they watered the ground under her eyes in every place where she prayed2 yea ,thou heardest her4 ,for whence was that dream whereby ,thou comfortedst her2 so that she allowed me to live with her1 and to eat at the same table in the house1 which she had begun to shrink from1 abhorring and detesting the blasphemies of my error8 ,for she saw herself standing on a certain wooden rule1 and a shining youth coming towards her1 cheerful and smiling upon her1 herself grieving1 and overwhelmed with grief4 ,but he having 7in order to instruct1 as is their wont not to be instructed7 enquired of her the causes of her grief and daily tears1 and she answering that she was bewailing my perdition1 he bade her rest contented1 and told her to look and observe1 ,that where she was1 there was ,i also4 ,and when she looked1 she saw me standing by her in the same rule4 ,whence was this1 but that ,thine ears were towards her heart8 ,o ,thou ,good omnipotent1 who so carest for every one of us1 as if ,thou caredst for him only2 and so for all1 as if they were but one6 ,whence was this also1 that when she had told me this vision1 and ,i would fain bend it to mean1 ,that she rather should not despair of being one day what ,i was2 she presently1 without any hesitation1 replies3 ,no2 for it was not told me that1 'where he1 there thou also'2 but 'where thou1 there he also'8 ,i confess to ,thee1 ,o ,lord1 that to the best of my remembrance 7and ,i have oft spoken of this71 that ,thy answer1 through my waking mother1--that she was not perplexed by the plausibility of my false interpretation1 and so quickly saw what was to be seen1 and which ,i certainly had not perceived before she spake1--even then moved me more than the dream itself1 by which a joy to the holy woman1 to be fulfilled so long after1 was1 for the consolation of her present anguish1 so long before foresignified4 ,for almost nine years passed1 in which ,i wallowed in the mire of that deep pit1 and the darkness of falsehood1 often assaying to rise1 but dashed down the more grievously4 ,all which time that chaste1 godly1 and sober widow 7such as ,thou lovest71 now more cheered with hope1 yet no whit relaxing in her weeping and mourning1 ceased not at all hours of her devotions to bewail my case unto ,thee4 ,and her prayers entered into ,thy presence2 and yet ,thou sufferedst me to be yet involved and reinvolved in that darkness4 ,thou gavest her meantime another answer1 which ,i call to mind2 for much ,i pass by1 hasting to those things which more press me to confess unto ,thee1 and much ,i do not remember4 ,thou gavest her then another answer1 by a ,priest of ,thine1 a certain ,bishop brought up in ,thy ,church1 and well studied in ,thy books4 ,whom when this woman had entreated to vouchsafe to converse with me1 refute my errors1 unteach me ill things1 and teach me good things 7for this he was wont to do1 when he found persons fitted to receive it71 he refused1 wisely1 as ,i afterwards perceived4 ,for he answered1 that ,i was yet unteachable1 being puffed up with the novelty of that heresy1 and had already perplexed divers unskilful persons with captious questions1 as she had told him3 but let him alone a while 7saith he71 only pray ,god for him1 he will of himself by reading find what that error is1 and how great its impiety4 ,at the same time he told her1 how himself1 when a little one1 had by his seduced mother been consigned over to the ,manichees1 and had not only read1 but frequently copied out almost all1 their books1 and had 7without any argument or proof from any one7 seen how much that sect was to be avoided2 and had avoided it4 ,which when he had said1 and she would not be satisfied1 but urged him more1 with entreaties and many tears1 that he would see me and discourse with me2 he1 a little displeased at her importunity1 saith1 ,go thy ways and ,god bless thee1 for it is not possible that the son of these tears should perish4 ,which answer she took 7as she often mentioned in her conversations with me7 as if it had sounded from heaven4 ,,book ,,iv ,for this space of nine years 7from my nineteenth year to my eight-and-twentieth7 we lived seduced and seducing1 deceived and deceiving1 in divers lusts2 openly1 by sciences which they call liberal2 secretly1 with a false-named religion2 here proud1 there superstitious1 every where vain4 ,here1 hunting after the emptiness of popular praise1 down even to theatrical applauses1 and poetic prizes1 and strifes for grassy garlands1 and the follies of shows1 and the intemperance of desires4 ,there1 desiring to be cleansed from these defilements1 by carrying food to those who were called elect and holy1 out of which1 in the workhouse of their stomachs1 they should forge for us ,angels and ,gods1 by whom we might be cleansed4 ,these things did ,i follow1 and practise with my friends1 deceived by me1 and with me4 ,let the arrogant mock me1 and such as have not been1 to their soul's health1 stricken and cast down by ,thee1 ,o my ,god2 but ,i would still confess to ,thee mine own shame in ,thy praise4 ,suffer me1 ,i beseech ,thee1 and give me grace to go over in my present remembrance the wanderings of my forepassed time1 and to offer unto ,thee the sacrifice of thanksgiving4 ,for what am ,i to myself without ,thee1 but a guide to mine own downfall8 or what am ,i even at the best1 but an infant sucking the milk ,thou givest1 and feeding upon ,thee1 the food that perisheth not8 ,but what sort of man is any man1 seeing he is but a man8 ,let now the strong and the mighty laugh at us1 but let us poor and needy confess unto ,thee4 ,in those years ,i taught rhetoric1 and1 overcome by cupidity1 made sale of a loquacity to overcome by4 ,yet ,i preferred 7,lord1 ,thou knowest7 honest scholars 7as they are accounted71 and these ,i1 without artifice1 taught artifices1 not to be practised against the life of the guiltless1 though sometimes for the life of the guilty4 ,and ,thou1 ,o ,god1 from afar perceivedst me stumbling in that slippery course1 and amid much smoke sending out some sparks of faithfulness1 which ,i showed in that my guidance of such as loved vanity1 and sought after leasing1 myself their companion4 ,in those years ,i had one1--not in that which is called lawful marriage1 but whom ,i had found out in a wayward passion1 void of understanding2 yet but one1 remaining faithful even to her2 in whom ,i in my own case experienced what difference there is betwixt the self-restraint of the marriage-covenant1 for the sake of issue1 and the bargain of a lustful love1 where children are born against their parents' will1 although1 once born1 they constrain love4 ,i remember also1 that when ,i had settled to enter the lists for a theatrical prize1 some wizard asked me what ,i would give him to win2 but ,i1 detesting and abhorring such foul mysteries1 answered1 ,though the garland were of imperishable gold1 ,i would not suffer a fly to be killed to gain me it4 ,for he was to kill some living creatures in his sacrifices1 and by those honours to invite the devils to favour me4 ,but this ill also ,i rejected1 not out of a pure love for ,thee1 ,o ,god of my heart2 for ,i knew not how to love ,thee1 who knew not how to conceive aught beyond a material brightness4 ,and doth not a soul1 sighing after such fictions1 commit fornication against ,thee1 trust in things unreal1 and feed the wind8 ,still ,i would not forsooth have sacrifices offered to devils for me1 to whom ,i was sacrificing myself by that superstition4 ,for what else is it to feed the wind1 but to feed them1 that is by going astray to become their pleasure and derision8 ,those impostors then1 whom they style ,mathematicians1 ,i consulted without scruple2 because they seemed to use no sacrifice1 nor to pray to any spirit for their divinations3 which art1 however1 ,christian and true piety consistently rejects and condemns4 ,for1 it is a good thing to confess unto ,thee1 and to say1 ,have mercy upon me1 heal my soul1 for ,i have sinned against ,thee2 and not to abuse ,thy mercy for a licence to sin1 but to remember the ,lord's words1 ,behold1 thou art made whole1 sin no more1 lest a worse thing come unto thee4 ,all which wholesome advice they labour to destroy1 saying1 ,the cause of thy sin is inevitably determined in heaven2 and ,this did ,venus1 or ,saturn1 or ,mars3 that man1 forsooth1 flesh and blood1 and proud corruption1 might be blameless2 while the ,creator and ,ordainer of heaven and the stars is to bear the blame4 ,and who is ,he but our ,god8 the very sweetness and well-spring of righteousness1 who renderest to every man according to his works3 and a broken and contrite heart wilt ,thou not despise4 ,there was in those days a wise man1 very skilful in physic1 and renowned therein1 who had with his own proconsular hand put the ,agonistic garland upon my distempered head1 but not as a physician3 for this disease ,thou only curest1 who resistest the proud1 and givest grace to the humble4 ,but didst ,thou fail me even by that old man1 or forbear to heal my soul8 ,for having become more acquainted with him1 and hanging assiduously and fixedly on his speech 7for though in simple terms1 it was vivid1 lively1 and earnest71 when he had gathered by my discourse that ,i was given to the books of nativity-casters1 he kindly and fatherly advised me to cast them away1 and not fruitlessly bestow a care and diligence1 necessary for useful things1 upon these vanities2 saying1 that he had in his earliest years studied that art1 so as to make it the profession whereby he should live1 and that1 understanding ,hippocrates1 he could soon have understood such a study as this2 and yet he had given it over1 and taken to physic1 for no other reason but that he found it utterly false2 and he1 a grave man1 would not get his living by deluding people4 ,but thou1 saith he1 hast rhetoric to maintain thyself by1 so that thou followest this of free choice1 not of necessity3 the more then oughtest thou to give me credit herein1 who laboured to acquire it so perfectly as to get my living by it alone4 ,of whom when ,i had demanded1 how then could many true things be foretold by it1 he answered me 7as he could7 that the force of chance1 diffused throughout the whole order of things1 brought this about4 ,for if when a man by haphazard opens the pages of some poet1 who sang and thought of something wholly different1 a verse oftentimes fell out1 wondrously agreeable to the present business3 it were not to be wondered at1 if out of the soul of man1 unconscious what takes place in it1 by some higher instinct an answer should be given1 by hap1 not by art1 corresponding to the business and actions of the demander4 ,and thus much1 either from or through him1 ,thou conveyedst to me1 and tracedst in my memory1 what ,i might hereafter examine for myself4 ,but at that time neither he1 nor my dearest ,nebridius1 a youth singularly good and of a holy fear1 who derided the whole body of divination1 could persuade me to cast it aside1 the authority of the authors swaying me yet more1 and as yet ,i had found no certain proof 7such as ,i sought7 whereby it might without all doubt appear1 that what had been truly foretold by those consulted was the result of haphazard1 not of the art of the star-gazers4 ,in those years when ,i first began to teach rhetoric in my native town1 ,i had made one my friend1 but too dear to me1 from a community of pursuits1 of mine own age1 and1 as myself1 in the first opening flower of youth4 ,he had grown up of a child with me1 and we had been both school-fellows and play-fellows4 ,but he was not yet my friend as afterwards1 nor even then1 as true friendship is2 for true it cannot be1 unless in such as ,thou cementest together1 cleaving unto ,thee1 by that love which is shed abroad in our hearts by the ,holy ,ghost1 which is given unto us4 ,yet was it but too sweet1 ripened by the warmth of kindred studies3 for1 from the true faith 7which he as a youth had not soundly and thoroughly imbibed71 ,i had warped him also to those superstitious and pernicious fables1 for which my mother bewailed me4 ,with me he now erred in mind1 nor could my soul be without him4 ,but behold ,thou wert close on the steps of ,thy fugitives1 at once ,god of vengeance1 and ,fountain of mercies1 turning us to ,thyself by wonderful means2 ,thou tookest that man out of this life1 when he had scarce filled up one whole year of my friendship1 sweet to me above all sweetness of that my life4 ,who can recount all ,thy praises1 which he hath felt in his one self8 ,what diddest ,thou then1 my ,god1 and how unsearchable is the abyss of ,thy judgments8 ,for long1 sore sick of a fever1 he lay senseless in a death-sweat2 and his recovery being despaired of1 he was baptised1 unknowing2 myself meanwhile little regarding1 and presuming that his soul would retain rather what it had received of me1 not what was wrought on his unconscious body4 ,but it proved far otherwise3 for he was refreshed1 and restored4 ,forthwith1 as soon as ,i could speak with him 7and ,i could1 so soon as he was able1 for ,i never left him1 and we hung but too much upon each other71 ,i essayed to jest with him1 as though he would jest with me at that baptism which he had received1 when utterly absent in mind and feeling1 but had now understood that he had received4 ,but he so shrunk from me1 as from an enemy2 and with a wonderful and sudden freedom bade me1 as ,i would continue his friend1 forbear such language to him4 ,i1 all astonished and amazed1 suppressed all my emotions till he should grow well1 and his health were strong enough for me to deal with him as ,i would4 ,but he was taken away from my frenzy1 that with ,thee he might be preserved for my comfort2 a few days after in my absence1 he was attacked again by the fever1 and so departed4 ,at this grief my heart was utterly darkened2 and whatever ,i beheld was death4 ,my native country was a torment to me1 and my father's house a strange unhappiness2 and whatever ,i had shared with him1 wanting him1 became a distracting torture4 ,mine eyes sought him every where1 but he was not granted them2 and ,i hated all places1 for that they had not him2 nor could they now tell me1 he is coming1 as when he was alive and absent4 ,i became a great riddle to myself1 and ,i asked my soul1 why she was so sad1 and why she disquieted me sorely3 but she knew not what to answer me4 ,and if ,i said1 ,trust in ,god1 she very rightly obeyed me not2 because that most dear friend1 whom she had lost1 was1 being man1 both truer and better than that phantasm she was bid to trust in4 ,only tears were sweet to me1 for they succeeded my friend1 in the dearest of my affections4 ,and now1 ,lord1 these things are passed by1 and time hath assuaged my wound4 ,may ,i learn from ,thee1 who art ,truth1 and approach the ear of my heart unto ,thy mouth1 that ,thou mayest tell me why weeping is sweet to the miserable8 ,hast ,thou1 although present every where1 cast away our misery far from ,thee8 ,and ,thou abidest in ,thyself1 but we are tossed about in divers trials4 ,and yet unless we mourned in ,thine ears1 we should have no hope left4 ,whence then is sweet fruit gathered from the bitterness of life1 from groaning1 tears1 sighs1 and complaints8 ,doth this sweeten it1 that we hope ,thou hearest8 ,this is true of prayer1 for therein is a longing to approach unto ,thee4 ,but is it also in grief for a thing lost1 and the sorrow wherewith ,i was then overwhelmed8 ,for ,i neither hoped he should return to life nor did ,i desire this with my tears2 but ,i wept only and grieved4 ,for ,i was miserable1 and had lost my joy4 ,or is weeping indeed a bitter thing1 and for very loathing of the things which we before enjoyed1 does it then1 when we shrink from them1 please us8 ,but what speak ,i of these things8 for now is no time to question1 but to confess unto ,thee4 ,wretched ,i was2 and wretched is every soul bound by the friendship of perishable things2 he is torn asunder when he loses them1 and then he feels the wretchedness which he had ere yet he lost them4 ,so was it then with me2 ,i wept most bitterly1 and found my repose in bitterness4 ,thus was ,i wretched1 and that wretched life ,i held dearer than my friend4 ,for though ,i would willingly have changed it1 yet was ,i more unwilling to part with it than with him2 yea1 ,i know not whether ,i would have parted with it even for him1 as is related 7if not feigned7 of ,pylades and ,orestes1 that they would gladly have died for each other or together1 not to live together being to them worse than death4 ,but in me there had arisen some unexplained feeling1 too contrary to this1 for at once ,i loathed exceedingly to live and feared to die4 ,i suppose1 the more ,i loved him1 the more did ,i hate1 and fear 7as a most cruel enemy7 death1 which had bereaved me of him3 and ,i imagined it would speedily make an end of all men1 since it had power over him4 ,thus was it with me1 ,i remember4 ,behold my heart1 ,o my ,god1 behold and see into me2 for well ,i remember it1 ,o my ,hope1 who cleansest me from the impurity of such affections1 directing mine eyes towards ,thee1 and plucking my feet out of the snare4 ,for ,i wondered that others1 subject to death1 did live1 since he whom ,i loved1 as if he should never die1 was dead2 and ,i wondered yet more that myself1 who was to him a second self1 could live1 he being dead4 ,well said one of his friend1 ,thou half of my soul2 for ,i felt that my soul and his soul were one soul in two bodies3 and therefore was my life a horror to me1 because ,i would not live halved4 ,and therefore perchance ,i feared to die1 lest he whom ,i had much loved should die wholly4 ,o madness1 which knowest not how to love men1 like men6 ,o foolish man that ,i then was1 enduring impatiently the lot of man6 ,i fretted then1 sighed1 wept1 was distracted2 had neither rest nor counsel4 ,for ,i bore about a shattered and bleeding soul1 impatient of being borne by me1 yet where to repose it1 ,i found not4 ,not in calm groves1 not in games and music1 nor in fragrant spots1 nor in curious banquetings1 nor in the pleasures of the bed and the couch2 nor 7finally7 in books or poesy1 found it repose4 ,all things looked ghastly1 yea1 the very light2 whatsoever was not what he was1 was revolting and hateful1 except groaning and tears4 ,for in those alone found ,i a little refreshment4 ,but when my soul was withdrawn from them a huge load of misery weighed me down4 ,to ,thee1 ,o ,lord1 it ought to have been raised1 for ,thee to lighten2 ,i knew it2 but neither could nor would2 the more1 since1 when ,i thought of ,thee1 ,thou wert not to me any solid or substantial thing4 ,for ,thou wert not ,thyself1 but a mere phantom1 and my error was my ,god4 ,if ,i offered to discharge my load thereon1 that it might rest1 it glided through the void1 and came rushing down again on me2 and ,i had remained to myself a hapless spot1 where ,i could neither be1 nor be from thence4 ,for whither should my heart flee from my heart8 ,whither should ,i flee from myself8 ,whither not follow myself8 ,and yet ,i fled out of my country2 for so should mine eyes less look for him1 where they were not wont to see him4 ,and thus from ,thagaste1 ,i came to ,carthage4 ,times lose no time2 nor do they roll idly by2 through our senses they work strange operations on the mind4 ,behold1 they went and came day by day1 and by coming and going1 introduced into my mind other imaginations and other remembrances2 and little by little patched me up again with my old kind of delights1 unto which that my sorrow gave way4 ,and yet there succeeded1 not indeed other griefs1 yet the causes of other griefs4 ,for whence had that former grief so easily reached my very inmost soul1 but that ,i had poured out my soul upon the dust1 in loving one that must die1 as if he would never die8 ,for what restored and refreshed me chiefly was the solaces of other friends1 with whom ,i did love1 what instead of ,thee ,i loved2 and this was a great fable1 and protracted lie1 by whose adulterous stimulus1 our soul1 which lay itching in our ears1 was being defiled4 ,but that fable would not die to me1 so oft as any of my friends died4 ,there were other things which in them did more take my mind2 to talk and jest together1 to do kind offices by turns2 to read together honied books2 to play the fool or be earnest together2 to dissent at times without discontent1 as a man might with his own self2 and even with the seldomness of these dissentings1 to season our more frequent consentings2 sometimes to teach1 and sometimes learn2 long for the absent with impatience2 and welcome the coming with joy4 ,these and the like expressions1 proceeding out of the hearts of those that loved and were loved again1 by the countenance1 the tongue1 the eyes1 and a thousand pleasing gestures1 were so much fuel to melt our souls together1 and out of many make but one4 ,this is it that is loved in friends2 and so loved1 that a man's conscience condemns itself1 if he love not him that loves him again1 or love not again him that loves him1 looking for nothing from his person but indications of his love4 ,hence that mourning1 if one die1 and darkenings of sorrows1 that steeping of the heart in tears1 all sweetness turned to bitterness2 and upon the loss of life of the dying1 the death of the living4 ,blessed whoso loveth ,thee1 and his friend in ,thee1 and his enemy for ,thee4 ,for he alone loses none dear to him1 to whom all are dear in ,him who cannot be lost4 ,and who is this but our ,god1 the ,god that made heaven and earth1 and filleth them1 because by filling them ,he created them8 ,thee none loseth1 but who leaveth4 ,and who leaveth ,thee1 whither goeth or whither fleeth he1 but from ,thee well-pleased1 to ,thee displeased8 ,for where doth he not find ,thy law in his own punishment8 ,and ,thy law is truth1 and truth ,thou4 ,turn us1 ,o ,god of ,hosts1 show us ,thy countenance1 and we shall be whole4 ,for whithersoever the soul of man turns itself1 unless toward ,thee1 it is riveted upon sorrows1 yea though it is riveted on things beautiful4 ,and yet they1 out of ,thee1 and out of the soul1 were not1 unless they were from ,thee4 ,they rise1 and set2 and by rising1 they begin as it were to be2 they grow1 that they may be perfected2 and perfected1 they wax old and wither2 and all grow not old1 but all wither4 ,so then when they rise and tend to be1 the more quickly they grow that they may be1 so much the more they haste not to be4 ,this is the law of them4 ,thus much has ,thou allotted them1 because they are portions of things1 which exist not all at once1 but by passing away and succeeding1 they together complete that universe1 whereof they are portions4 ,and even thus is our speech completed by signs giving forth a sound3 but this again is not perfected unless one word pass away when it hath sounded its part1 that another may succeed4 ,out of all these things let my soul praise ,thee1 ,o ,god1 ,creator of all2 yet let not my soul be riveted unto these things with the glue of love1 through the senses of the body4 ,for they go whither they were to go1 that they might not be2 and they rend her with pestilent longings1 because she longs to be1 yet loves to repose in what she loves4 ,but in these things is no place of repose2 they abide not1 they flee2 and who can follow them with the senses of the flesh8 yea1 who can grasp them1 when they are hard by8 ,for the sense of the flesh is slow1 because it is the sense of the flesh2 and thereby is it bounded4 ,it sufficeth for that it was made for2 but it sufficeth not to stay things running their course from their appointed starting-place to the end appointed4 ,for in ,thy ,word1 by which they are created1 they hear their decree1 hence and hitherto4 ,be not foolish1 ,o my soul1 nor become deaf in the ear of thine heart with the tumult of thy folly4 ,hearken thou too4 ,the ,word itself calleth thee to return3 and there is the place of rest imperturbable1 where love is not forsaken1 if itself forsaketh not4 ,behold1 these things pass away1 that others may replace them1 and so this lower universe be completed by all his parts4 ,but do ,i depart any whither8 saith the ,word of ,god4 ,there fix thy dwelling1 trust there whatsoever thou hast thence1 ,o my soul1 at least now thou art tired out with vanities4 ,entrust ,truth1 whatsoever thou hast from the ,truth1 and thou shalt lose nothing2 and thy decay shall bloom again1 and all thy diseases be healed1 and thy mortal parts be reformed and renewed1 and bound around thee3 nor shall they lay thee whither themselves descend2 but they shall stand fast with thee1 and abide for ever before ,god1 ,who abideth and standeth fast for ever4 ,why then be perverted and follow thy flesh8 ,be it converted and follow thee4 ,whatever by her thou hast sense of1 is in part2 and the whole1 whereof these are parts1 thou knowest not2 and yet they delight thee4 ,but had the sense of thy flesh a capacity for comprehending the whole1 and not itself also1 for thy punishment1 been justly restricted to a part of the whole1 thou wouldest1 that whatsoever existeth at this present1 should pass away1 that so the whole might better please thee4 ,for what we speak also1 by the same sense of the flesh thou hearest2 yet wouldest not thou have the syllables stay1 but fly away1 that others may come1 and thou hear the whole4 ,and so ever1 when any one thing is made up of many1 all of which do not exist together1 all collectively would please more than they do severally1 could all be perceived collectively4 ,but far better than these is ,he who made all2 and ,he is our ,god1 nor doth ,he pass away1 for neither doth aught succeed ,him4 ,if bodies please thee1 praise ,god on occasion of them1 and turn back thy love upon their ,maker2 lest in these things which please thee1 thou displease4 ,if souls please thee1 be they loved in ,god3 for they too are mutable1 but in ,him are they firmly stablished2 else would they pass1 and pass away4 ,in ,him then be they beloved2 and carry unto ,him along with thee what souls thou canst1 and say to them1 ,him let us love1 ,him let us love3 ,he made these1 nor is ,he far off4 ,for ,he did not make them1 and so depart1 but they are of ,him1 and in ,him4 ,see there ,he is1 where truth is loved4 ,he is within the very heart1 yet hath the heart strayed from ,him4 ,go back into your heart1 ye transgressors1 and cleave fast to ,him that made you4 ,stand with ,him1 and ye shall stand fast4 ,rest in ,him1 and ye shall be at rest4 ,whither go ye in rough ways8 ,whither go ye8 ,the good that you love is from ,him2 but it is good and pleasant through reference to ,him1 and justly shall it be embittered1 because unjustly is any thing loved which is from ,him1 if ,he be forsaken for it4 ,to what end then would ye still and still walk these difficult and toilsome ways8 ,there is no rest1 where ye seek it4 ,seek what ye seek2 but it is not there where ye seek4 ,ye seek a blessed life in the land of death2 it is not there4 ,for how should there be a blessed life where life itself is not8 ,but our true ,life came down hither1 and bore our death1 and slew him1 out of the abundance of ,his own life3 and ,he thundered1 calling aloud to us to return hence to ,him into that secret place1 whence ,he came forth to us1 first into the ,virgin's womb1 wherein ,he espoused the human creation1 our mortal flesh1 that it might not be for ever mortal1 and thence like a bridegroom coming out of his chamber1 rejoicing as a giant to run his course4 ,for ,he lingered not1 but ran1 calling aloud by words1 deeds1 death1 life1 descent1 ascension2 crying aloud to us to return unto ,him4 ,and ,he departed from our eyes1 that we might return into our heart1 and there find ,him4 ,for ,he departed1 and lo1 ,he is here4 ,he would not be long with us1 yet left us not2 for ,he departed thither1 whence ,he never parted1 because the world was made by ,him4 ,and in this world ,he was1 and into this world ,he came to save sinners1 unto whom my soul confesseth1 and ,he healeth it1 for it hath sinned against ,him4 ,o ye sons of men1 how long so slow of heart8 ,even now1 after the descent of ,life to you1 will ye not ascend and live8 ,but whither ascend ye1 when ye are on high1 and set your mouth against the heavens8 ,descend1 that ye may ascend1 and ascend to ,god4 ,for ye have fallen1 by ascending against ,him4 ,tell them this1 that they may weep in the valley of tears1 and so carry them up with thee unto ,god2 because out of ,his spirit thou speakest thus unto them1 if thou speakest1 burning with the fire of charity4 ,these things ,i then knew not1 and ,i loved these lower beauties1 and ,i was sinking to the very depths1 and to my friends ,i said1 ,do we love any thing but the beautiful8 ,what then is the beautiful8 and what is beauty8 ,what is it that attracts and wins us to the things we love8 for unless there were in them a grace and beauty1 they could by no means draw us unto them4 ,and ,i marked and perceived that in bodies themselves1 there was a beauty1 from their forming a sort of whole1 and again1 another from apt and mutual correspondence1 as of a part of the body with its whole1 or a shoe with a foot1 and the like4 ,and this consideration sprang up in my mind1 out of my inmost heart1 and ,i wrote on the fair and fit1 ,i think1 two or three books4 ,thou knowest1 ,o ,lord1 for it is gone from me2 for ,i have them not1 but they are strayed from me1 ,i know not how4 ,but what moved me1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 to dedicate these books unto ,hierius1 an orator of ,rome1 whom ,i knew not by face1 but loved for the fame of his learning which was eminent in him1 and some words of his ,i had heard1 which pleased me8 ,but more did he please me1 for that he pleased others1 who highly extolled him1 amazed that out of a ,syrian1 first instructed in ,greek eloquence1 should afterwards be formed a wonderful ,latin orator1 and one most learned in things pertaining unto philosophy4 ,one is commended1 and1 unseen1 he is loved3 doth this love enter the heart of the hearer from the mouth of the commender8 ,not so4 ,but by one who loveth is another kindled4 ,for hence he is loved who is commended1 when the commender is believed to extol him with an unfeigned heart2 that is1 when one that loves him1 praises him4 ,for so did ,i then love men1 upon the judgment of men1 not ,thine1 ,o my ,god1 in ,whom no man is deceived4 ,but yet why not for qualities1 like those of a famous charioteer1 or fighter with beasts in the theatre1 known far and wide by a vulgar popularity1 but far otherwise1 and earnestly1 and so as ,i would be myself commended8 ,for ,i would not be commended or loved1 as actors are 7though ,i myself did commend and love them71 but had rather be unknown1 than so known2 and even hated1 than so loved4 ,where now are the impulses to such various and divers kinds of loves laid up in one soul8 ,why1 since we are equally men1 do ,i love in another what1 if ,i did not hate1 ,i should not spurn and cast from myself8 ,for it holds not1 that as a good horse is loved by him1 who would not1 though he might1 be that horse1 therefore the same may be said of an actor1 who shares our nature4 ,do ,i then love in a man1 what ,i hate to be1 who am a man8 ,man himself is a great deep1 whose very hairs ,thou numberest1 ,o ,lord1 and they fall not to the ground without ,thee4 ,and yet are the hairs of his head easier to be numbered than his feelings1 and the beatings of his heart4 ,but that orator was of that sort whom ,i loved1 as wishing to be myself such2 and ,i erred through a swelling pride1 and was tossed about with every wind1 but yet was steered by ,thee1 though very secretly4 ,and whence do ,i know1 and whence do ,i confidently confess unto ,thee1 that ,i had loved him more for the love of his commenders1 than for the very things for which he was commended8 ,because1 had he been unpraised1 and these self-same men had dispraised him1 and with dispraise and contempt told the very same things of him1 ,i had never been so kindled and excited to love him4 ,and yet the things had not been other1 nor he himself other2 but only the feelings of the relators4 ,see where the impotent soul lies along1 that is not yet stayed up by the solidity of truth6 ,just as the gales of tongues blow from the breast of the opinionative1 so is it carried this way and that1 driven forward and backward1 and the light is overclouded to it1 and the truth unseen4 ,and lo1 it is before us4 ,and it was to me a great matter1 that my discourse and labours should be known to that man3 which should he approve1 ,i were the more kindled2 but if he disapproved1 my empty heart1 void of ,thy solidity1 had been wounded4 ,and yet the fair and fit1 whereon ,i wrote to him1 ,i dwelt on with pleasure1 and surveyed it1 and admired it1 though none joined therein4 ,but ,i saw not yet1 whereon this weighty matter turned in ,thy wisdom1 ,o ,thou ,omnipotent1 who only doest wonders2 and my mind ranged through corporeal forms2 and fair1 ,i defined and distinguished what is so in itself1 and fit1 whose beauty is in correspondence to some other thing3 and this ,i supported by corporeal examples4 ,and ,i turned to the nature of the mind1 but the false notion which ,i had of spiritual things1 let me not see the truth4 ,yet the force of truth did of itself flash into mine eyes1 and ,i turned away my panting soul from incorporeal substance to lineaments1 and colours1 and bulky magnitudes4 ,and not being able to see these in the mind1 ,i thought ,i could not see my mind4 ,and whereas in virtue ,i loved peace1 and in viciousness ,i abhorred discord2 in the first ,i observed a unity1 but in the other1 a sort of division4 ,and in that unity ,i conceived the rational soul1 and the nature of truth and of the chief good to consist2 but in this division ,i miserably imagined there to be some unknown substance of irrational life1 and the nature of the chief evil1 which should not only be a substance1 but real life also1 and yet not derived from ,thee1 ,o my ,god1 of whom are all things4 ,and yet that first ,i called a ,monad1 as it had been a soul without sex2 but the latter a ,duad2--anger1 in deeds of violence1 and in flagitiousness1 lust2 not knowing whereof ,i spake4 ,for ,i had not known or learned that neither was evil a substance1 nor our soul that chief and unchangeable good4 ,for as deeds of violence arise1 if that emotion of the soul be corrupted1 whence vehement action springs1 stirring itself insolently and unrulily2 and lusts1 when that affection of the soul is ungoverned1 whereby carnal pleasures are drunk in1 so do errors and false opinions defile the conversation1 if the reasonable soul itself be corrupted2 as it was then in me1 who knew not that it must be enlightened by another light1 that it may be partaker of truth1 seeing itself is not that nature of truth4 ,for ,thou shalt light my candle1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 ,thou shalt enlighten my darkness3 and of ,thy fulness have we all received1 for ,thou art the true light that lighteth every man that cometh into the world2 for in ,thee there is no variableness1 neither shadow of change4 ,but ,i pressed towards ,thee1 and was thrust from ,thee1 that ,i might taste of death3 for thou resistest the proud4 ,but what prouder1 than for me with a strange madness to maintain myself to be that by nature which ,thou art8 ,for whereas ,i was subject to change 7so much being manifest to me1 my very desire to become wise1 being the wish1 of worse to become better71 yet chose ,i rather to imagine ,thee subject to change1 and myself not to be that which ,thou art4 ,therefore ,i was repelled by ,thee1 and ,thou resistedst my vain stiffneckedness1 and ,i imagined corporeal forms1 and1 myself flesh1 ,i accused flesh2 and1 a wind that passeth away1 ,i returned not to ,thee1 but ,i passed on and on to things which have no being1 neither in ,thee1 nor in me1 nor in the body4 ,neither were they created for me by ,thy truth1 but by my vanity devised out of things corporeal4 ,and ,i was wont to ask ,thy faithful little ones1 my fellow-citizens 7from whom1 unknown to myself1 ,i stood exiled71 ,i was wont1 prating and foolishly1 to ask them1 ,why then doth the soul err which ,god created8 ,but ,i would not be asked1 ,why then doth ,god err8 ,and ,i maintained that ,thy unchangeable substance did err upon constraint1 rather than confess that my changeable substance had gone astray voluntarily1 and now1 in punishment1 lay in error4 ,i was then some six or seven and twenty years old when ,i wrote those volumes2 revolving within me corporeal fictions1 buzzing in the ears of my heart1 which ,i turned1 ,o sweet truth1 to thy inward melody1 meditating on the fair and fit1 and longing to stand and hearken to ,thee1 and to rejoice greatly at the ,bridegroom's voice1 but could not2 for by the voices of mine own errors1 ,i was hurried abroad1 and through the weight of my own pride1 ,i was sinking into the lowest pit4 ,for ,thou didst not make me to hear joy and gladness1 nor did the bones exult which were not yet humbled4 ,and what did it profit me1 that scarce twenty years old1 a book of ,aristotle1 which they call the ten ,predicaments1 falling into my hands 7on whose very name ,i hung1 as on something great and divine1 so often as my rhetoric master of ,carthage1 and others1 accounted learned1 mouthed it with cheeks bursting with pride71 ,i read and understood it unaided8 ,and on my conferring with others1 who said that they scarcely understood it with very able tutors1 not only orally explaining it1 but drawing many things in sand1 they could tell me no more of it than ,i had learned1 reading it by myself4 ,and the book appeared to me to speak very clearly of substances1 such as man1 and of their qualities1 as the figure of a man1 of what sort it is2 and stature1 how many feet high2 and his relationship1 whose brother he is2 or where placed2 or when born2 or whether he stands or sits2 or be shod or armed2 or does1 or suffers anything2 and all the innumerable things which might be ranged under these nine ,predicaments1 of which ,i have given some specimens1 or under that chief ,predicament of ,substance4 ,what did all this further me1 seeing it even hindered me8 when1 imagining whatever was1 was comprehended under those ten ,predicaments1 ,i essayed in such wise to understand1 ,o my ,god1 ,thy wonderful and unchangeable ,unity also1 as if ,thou also hadst been subjected to ,thine own greatness or beauty2 so that 7as in bodies7 they should exist in ,thee1 as their subject3 whereas ,thou ,thyself art ,thy greatness and beauty2 but a body is not great or fair in that it is a body1 seeing that1 though it were less great or fair1 it should notwithstanding be a body4 ,but it was falsehood which of ,thee ,i conceived1 not truth1 fictions of my misery1 not the realities of ,thy blessedness4 ,for ,thou hadst commanded1 and it was done in me1 that the earth should bring forth briars and thorns to me1 and that in the sweat of my brows ,i should eat my bread4 ,and what did it profit me1 that all the books ,i could procure of the so-called liberal arts1 ,i1 the vile slave of vile affections1 read by myself1 and understood8 ,and ,i delighted in them1 but knew not whence came all1 that therein was true or certain4 ,for ,i had my back to the light1 and my face to the things enlightened2 whence my face1 with which ,i discerned the things enlightened1 itself was not enlightened4 ,whatever was written1 either on rhetoric1 or logic1 geometry1 music1 and arithmetic1 by myself without much difficulty or any instructor1 ,i understood1 ,thou knowest1 ,o ,lord my ,god2 because both quickness of understanding1 and acuteness in discerning1 is ,thy gift3 yet did ,i not thence sacrifice to ,thee4 ,so then it served not to my use1 but rather to my perdition1 since ,i went about to get so good a portion of my substance into my own keeping2 and ,i kept not my strength for ,thee1 but wandered from ,thee into a far country1 to spend it upon harlotries4 ,for what profited me good abilities1 not employed to good uses8 ,for ,i felt not that those arts were attained with great difficulty1 even by the studious and talented1 until ,i attempted to explain them to such2 when he most excelled in them who followed me not altogether slowly4 ,but what did this further me1 imagining that ,thou1 ,o ,lord ,god1 the ,truth1 wert a vast and bright body1 and ,i a fragment of that body8 ,perverseness too great6 ,but such was ,i4 ,nor do ,i blush1 ,o my ,god1 to confess to ,thee ,thy mercies towards me1 and to call upon ,thee1 who blushed not then to profess to men my blasphemies1 and to bark against ,thee4 ,what profited me then my nimble wit in those sciences and all those most knotty volumes1 unravelled by me1 without aid from human instruction2 seeing ,i erred so foully1 and with such sacrilegious shamefulness1 in the doctrine of piety8 ,or what hindrance was a far slower wit to ,thy little ones1 since they departed not far from ,thee1 that in the nest of ,thy ,church they might securely be fledged1 and nourish the wings of charity1 by the food of a sound faith4 ,o ,lord our ,god1 under the shadow of ,thy wings let us hope2 protect us1 and carry us4 ,thou wilt carry us both when little1 and even to hoar hairs wilt ,thou carry us2 for our firmness1 when it is ,thou1 then is it firmness2 but when our own1 it is infirmity4 ,our good ever lives with ,thee2 from which when we turn away1 we are turned aside4 ,let us now1 ,o ,lord1 return1 that we may not be overturned1 because with ,thee our good lives without any decay1 which good art ,thou2 nor need we fear1 lest there be no place whither to return1 because we fell from it3 for through our absence1 our mansion fell not--,thy eternity4 ,,book ,v ,accept the sacrifice of my confessions from the ministry of my tongue1 which ,thou hast formed and stirred up to confess unto ,thy name4 ,heal ,thou all my bones1 and let them say1 ,o ,lord1 who is like unto ,thee8 ,for he who confesses to ,thee doth not teach ,thee what takes place within him2 seeing a closed heart closes not out ,thy eye1 nor can man's hard-heartedness thrust back ,thy hand3 for ,thou dissolvest it at ,thy will in pity or in vengeance1 and nothing can hide itself from ,thy heat4 ,but let my soul praise ,thee1 that it may love ,thee2 and let it confess ,thy own mercies to ,thee1 that it may praise ,thee4 ,thy whole creation ceaseth not1 nor is silent in ,thy praises2 neither the spirit of man with voice directed unto ,thee1 nor creation animate or inanimate1 by the voice of those who meditate thereon3 that so our souls may from their weariness arise towards ,thee1 leaning on those things which ,thou hast created1 and passing on to ,thyself1 who madest them wonderfully2 and there is refreshment and true strength4 ,let the restless1 the godless1 depart and flee from ,thee2 yet ,thou seest them1 and dividest the darkness4 ,and behold1 the universe with them is fair1 though they are foul4 ,and how have they injured ,thee8 or how have they disgraced ,thy government1 which1 from the heaven to this lowest earth1 is just and perfect8 ,for whither fled they1 when they fled from ,thy presence8 or where dost not ,thou find them8 ,but they fled1 that they might not see ,thee seeing them1 and1 blinded1 might stumble against ,thee 7because ,thou forsakest nothing ,thou hast made72 that the unjust1 ,i say1 might stumble upon ,thee1 and justly be hurt2 withdrawing themselves from thy gentleness1 and stumbling at ,thy uprightness1 and falling upon their own ruggedness4 ,ignorant1 in truth1 that ,thou art every where1 ,whom no place encompasseth6 and ,thou alone art near1 even to those that remove far from ,thee4 ,let them then be turned1 and seek ,thee2 because not as they have forsaken their ,creator1 hast ,thou forsaken ,thy creation4 ,let them be turned and seek ,thee2 and behold1 ,thou art there in their heart1 in the heart of those that confess to ,thee1 and cast themselves upon ,thee1 and weep in ,thy bosom1 after all their rugged ways4 ,then dost ,thou gently wipe away their tears1 and they weep the more1 and joy in weeping2 even for that ,thou1 ,lord1--not man of flesh and blood1 but--,thou1 ,lord1 who madest them1 re-makest and comfortest them4 ,but where was ,i1 when ,i was seeking ,thee8 ,and ,thou wert before me1 but ,i had gone away from ,thee2 nor did ,i find myself1 how much less ,thee6 ,i would lay open before my ,god that nine-and-twentieth year of mine age4 ,there had then come to ,carthage a certain ,bishop of the ,manichees1 ,faustus by name1 a great snare of the ,devil1 and many were entangled by him through that lure of his smooth language3 which though ,i did commend1 yet could ,i separate from the truth of the things which ,i was earnest to learn3 nor did ,i so much regard the service of oratory as the science which this ,faustus1 so praised among them1 set before me to feed upon4 ,fame had before bespoken him most knowing in all valuable learning1 and exquisitely skilled in the liberal sciences4 ,and since ,i had read and well remembered much of the philosophers1 ,i compared some things of theirs with those long fables of the ,manichees1 and found the former the more probable2 even although they could only prevail so far as to make judgment of this lower world1 the ,lord of it they could by no means find out4 ,for ,thou art great1 ,o ,lord1 and hast respect unto the humble1 but the proud ,thou beholdest afar off4 ,nor dost ,thou draw near1 but to the contrite in heart1 nor art found by the proud1 no1 not though by curious skill they could number the stars and the sand1 and measure the starry heavens1 and track the courses of the planets4 ,for with their understanding and wit1 which ,thou bestowedst on them1 they search out these things2 and much have they found out2 and foretold1 many years before1 eclipses of those luminaries1 the sun and moon1--what day and hour1 and how many digits1--nor did their calculation fail2 and it came to pass as they foretold2 and they wrote down the rules they had found out1 and these are read at this day1 and out of them do others foretell in what year and month of the year1 and what day of the month1 and what hour of the day1 and what part of its light1 moon or sun is to be eclipsed1 and so it shall be1 as it is foreshowed4 ,at these things men1 that know not this art1 marvel and are astonished1 and they that know it1 exult1 and are puffed up2 and by an ungodly pride departing from ,thee1 and failing of ,thy light1 they foresee a failure of the sun's light1 which shall be1 so long before1 but see not their own1 which is4 ,for they search not religiously whence they have the wit1 wherewith they search out this4 ,and finding that ,thou madest them1 they give not themselves up to ,thee1 to preserve what ,thou madest1 nor sacrifice to ,thee what they have made themselves2 nor slay their own soaring imaginations1 as fowls of the air1 nor their own diving curiosities 7wherewith1 like the fishes of the sea1 they wander over the unknown paths of the abyss71 nor their own luxuriousness1 as beasts of the field1 that ,thou1 ,lord1 a consuming fire1 mayest burn up those dead cares of theirs1 and re-create themselves immortally4 ,but they knew not the way1 ,thy ,word1 by ,whom ,thou madest these things which they number1 and themselves who number1 and the sense whereby they perceive what they number1 and the understanding1 out of which they number2 or that of ,thy wisdom there is no number4 ,but the ,only ,begotten is ,himself made unto us wisdom1 and righteousness1 and sanctification1 and was numbered among us1 and paid tribute unto ,caesar4 ,they knew not this way whereby to descend to ,him from themselves1 and by ,him ascend unto ,him4 ,they knew not this way1 and deemed themselves exalted amongst the stars and shining2 and behold1 they fell upon the earth1 and their foolish heart was darkened4 ,they discourse many things truly concerning the creature2 but ,truth1 ,artificer of the creature1 they seek not piously1 and therefore find ,him not2 or if they find ,him1 knowing ,him to be ,god1 they glorify ,him not as ,god1 neither are thankful1 but become vain in their imaginations1 and profess themselves to be wise1 attributing to themselves what is ,thine2 and thereby with most perverse blindness1 study to impute to ,thee what is their own1 forging lies of ,thee who art the ,truth1 and changing the glory of uncorruptible ,god into an image made like corruptible man1 and to birds1 and four-footed beasts1 and creeping things1 changing ,thy truth into a lie1 and worshipping and serving the creature more than the ,creator4 ,yet many truths concerning the creature retained ,i from these men1 and saw the reason thereof from calculations1 the succession of times1 and the visible testimonies of the stars2 and compared them with the saying of ,manichaeus1 which in his frenzy he had written most largely on these subjects2 but discovered not any account of the solstices1 or equinoxes1 or the eclipses of the greater lights1 nor whatever of this sort ,i had learned in the books of secular philosophy4 ,but ,i was commanded to believe2 and yet it corresponded not with what had been established by calculations and my own sight1 but was quite contrary4 ,doth then1 ,o ,lord ,god of truth1 whoso knoweth these things1 therefore please ,thee8 ,surely unhappy is he who knoweth all these1 and knoweth not ,thee3 but happy whoso knoweth ,thee1 though he know not these4 ,and whoso knoweth both ,thee and them is not the happier for them1 but for ,thee only1 if1 knowing ,thee1 he glorifies ,thee as ,god1 and is thankful1 and becomes not vain in his imaginations4 ,for as he is better off who knows how to possess a tree1 and return thanks to ,thee for the use thereof1 although he know not how many cubits high it is1 or how wide it spreads1 than he that can measure it1 and count all its boughs1 and neither owns it1 nor knows or loves its ,creator3 so a believer1 whose all this world of wealth is1 and who having nothing1 yet possesseth all things1 by cleaving unto ,thee1 whom all things serve1 though he know not even the circles of the ,great ,bear1 yet is it folly to doubt but he is in a better state than one who can measure the heavens1 and number the stars1 and poise the elements1 yet neglecteth ,thee who hast made all things in number1 weight1 and measure4 ,but yet who bade that ,manichaeus write on these things also1 skill in which was no element of piety8 ,for ,thou hast said to man1 ,behold piety and wisdom2 of which he might be ignorant1 though he had perfect knowledge of these things2 but these things1 since1 knowing not1 he most impudently dared to teach1 he plainly could have no knowledge of piety4 ,for it is vanity to make profession of these worldly things even when known2 but confession to ,thee is piety4 ,wherefore this wanderer to this end spake much of these things1 that convicted by those who had truly learned them1 it might be manifest what understanding he had in the other abstruser things4 ,for he would not have himself meanly thought of1 but went about to persuade men1 ,that the ,holy ,ghost1 the ,comforter and ,enricher of ,thy faithful ones1 was with plenary authority personally within him4 ,when then he was found out to have taught falsely of the heaven and stars1 and of the motions of the sun and moon 7although these things pertain not to the doctrine of religion71 yet his sacrilegious presumption would become evident enough1 seeing he delivered things which not only he knew not1 but which were falsified1 with so mad a vanity of pride1 that he sought to ascribe them to himself1 as to a divine person4 ,for when ,i hear any ,christian brother ignorant of these things1 and mistaken on them1 ,i can patiently behold such a man holding his opinion2 nor do ,i see that any ignorance as to the position or character of the corporeal creation can injure him1 so long as he doth not believe any thing unworthy of ,thee1 ,o ,lord1 the ,creator of all4 ,but it doth injure him1 if he imagine it to pertain to the form of the doctrine of piety1 and will yet affirm that too stiffly whereof he is ignorant4 ,and yet is even such an infirmity1 in the infancy of faith1 borne by our mother ,charity1 till the new-born may grow up unto a perfect man1 so as not to be carried about with every wind of doctrine4 ,but in him who in such wise presumed to be the teacher1 source1 guide1 chief of all whom he could so persuade1 that whoso followed him thought that he followed1 not a mere man1 but ,thy ,holy ,spirit2 who would not judge that so great madness1 when once convicted of having taught any thing false1 were to be detested and utterly rejected8 ,but ,i had not as yet clearly ascertained whether the vicissitudes of longer and shorter days and nights1 and of day and night itself1 with the eclipses of the greater lights1 and whatever else of the kind ,i had read of in other books1 might be explained consistently with his sayings2 so that1 if they by any means might1 it should still remain a question to me whether it were so or no2 but ,i might1 on account of his reputed sanctity1 rest my credence upon his authority4 ,and for almost all those nine years1 wherein with unsettled mind ,i had been their disciple1 ,i had longed but too intensely for the coming of this ,faustus4 ,for the rest of the sect1 whom by chance ,i had lighted upon1 when unable to solve my objections about these things1 still held out to me the coming of this ,faustus1 by conference with whom these and greater difficulties1 if ,i had them1 were to be most readily and abundantly cleared4 ,when then he came1 ,i found him a man of pleasing discourse1 and who could speak fluently and in better terms1 yet still but the self-same things which they were wont to say4 ,but what availed the utmost neatness of the cup-bearer to my thirst for a more precious draught8 ,mine ears were already cloyed with the like1 nor did they seem to me therefore better1 because better said2 nor therefore true1 because eloquent2 nor the soul therefore wise1 because the face was comely1 and the language graceful4 ,but they who held him out to me were no good judges of things2 and therefore to them he appeared understanding and wise1 because in words pleasing4 ,i felt however that another sort of people were suspicious even of truth1 and refused to assent to it1 if delivered in a smooth and copious discourse4 ,but ,thou1 ,o my ,god1 hadst already taught me by wonderful and secret ways1 and therefore ,i believe that ,thou taughtest me1 because it is truth1 nor is there besides ,thee any teacher of truth1 where or whencesoever it may shine upon us4 ,of ,thyself therefore had ,i now learned1 that neither ought any thing to seem to be spoken truly1 because eloquently2 nor therefore falsely1 because the utterance of the lips is inharmonious2 nor1 again1 therefore true1 because rudely delivered2 nor therefore false1 because the language is rich2 but that wisdom and folly are as wholesome and unwholesome food2 and adorned or unadorned phrases as courtly or country vessels2 either kind of meats may be served up in either kind of dishes4 ,that greediness then1 wherewith ,i had of so long time expected that man1 was delighted verily with his action and feeling when disputing1 and his choice and readiness of words to clothe his ideas4 ,i was then delighted1 and1 with many others and more than they1 did ,i praise and extol him4 ,it troubled me1 however1 that in the assembly of his auditors1 ,i was not allowed to put in and communicate those questions that troubled me1 in familiar converse with him4 ,which when ,i might1 and with my friends began to engage his ears at such times as it was not unbecoming for him to discuss with me1 and had brought forward such things as moved me2 ,i found him first utterly ignorant of liberal sciences1 save grammar1 and that but in an ordinary way4 ,but because he had read some of ,tully's ,orations1 a very few books of ,seneca1 some things of the poets1 and such few volumes of his own sect as were written in ,latin and neatly1 and was daily practised in speaking1 he acquired a certain eloquence1 which proved the more pleasing and seductive because under the guidance of a good wit1 and with a kind of natural gracefulness4 ,is it not thus1 as ,i recall it1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 ,thou judge of my conscience8 before ,thee is my heart1 and my remembrance1 ,who didst at that time direct me by the hidden mystery of ,thy providence1 and didst set those shameful errors of mine before my face1 that ,i might see and hate them4 ,for after it was clear that he was ignorant of those arts in which ,i thought he excelled1 ,i began to despair of his opening and solving the difficulties which perplexed me 7of which indeed however ignorant1 he might have held the truths of piety1 had he not been a ,manichee74 ,for their books are fraught with prolix fables1 of the heaven1 and stars1 sun1 and moon1 and ,i now no longer thought him able satisfactorily to decide what ,i much desired1 whether1 on comparison of these things with the calculations ,i had elsewhere read1 the account given in the books of ,manichaeus were preferable1 or at least as good4 ,which when ,i proposed to be considered and discussed1 he1 so far modestly1 shrunk from the burthen4 ,for he knew that he knew not these things1 and was not ashamed to confess it4 ,for he was not one of those talking persons1 many of whom ,i had endured1 who undertook to teach me these things1 and said nothing4 ,but this man had a heart1 though not right towards ,thee1 yet neither altogether treacherous to himself4 ,for he was not altogether ignorant of his own ignorance1 nor would he rashly be entangled in a dispute1 whence he could neither retreat nor extricate himself fairly4 ,even for this ,i liked him the better4 ,for fairer is the modesty of a candid mind1 than the knowledge of those things which ,i desired2 and such ,i found him1 in all the more difficult and subtile questions4 ,my zeal for the writings of ,manichaeus being thus blunted1 and despairing yet more of their other teachers1 seeing that in divers things which perplexed me1 he1 so renowned among them1 had so turned out2 ,i began to engage with him in the study of that literature1 on which he also was much set 7and which as rhetoric-reader ,i was at that time teaching young students at ,carthage71 and to read with him1 either what himself desired to hear1 or such as ,i judged fit for his genius4 ,but all my efforts whereby ,i had purposed to advance in that sect1 upon knowledge of that man1 came utterly to an end2 not that ,i detached myself from them altogether1 but as one finding nothing better1 ,i had settled to be content meanwhile with what ,i had in whatever way fallen upon1 unless by chance something more eligible should dawn upon me4 ,thus1 that ,faustus1 to so many a snare of death1 had now neither willing nor witting it1 begun to loosen that wherein ,i was taken4 ,for ,thy hands1 ,o my ,god1 in the secret purpose of ,thy providence1 did not forsake my soul2 and out of my mother's heart's blood1 through her tears night and day poured out1 was a sacrifice offered for me unto ,thee2 and ,thou didst deal with me by wondrous ways4 ,thou didst it1 ,o my ,god3 for the steps of a man are ordered by the ,lord1 and ,he shall dispose his way4 ,or how shall we obtain salvation1 but from ,thy hand1 re-making what it made8 ,thou didst deal with me1 that ,i should be persuaded to go to ,rome1 and to teach there rather1 what ,i was teaching at ,carthage4 ,and how ,i was persuaded to this1 ,i will not neglect to confess to ,thee2 because herein also the deepest recesses of ,thy wisdom1 and ,thy most present mercy to us1 must be considered and confessed4 ,i did not wish therefore to go to ,rome1 because higher gains and higher dignities were warranted me by my friends who persuaded me to this 7though even these things had at that time an influence over my mind71 but my chief and almost only reason was1 that ,i heard that young men studied there more peacefully1 and were kept quiet under a restraint of more regular discipline2 so that they did not1 at their pleasures1 petulantly rush into the school of one whose pupils they were not1 nor were even admitted without his permission4 ,whereas at ,carthage there reigns among the scholars a most disgraceful and unruly licence4 ,they burst in audaciously1 and with gestures almost frantic1 disturb all order which any one hath established for the good of his scholars4 ,divers outrages they commit1 with a wonderful stolidity1 punishable by law1 did not custom uphold them2 that custom evincing them to be the more miserable1 in that they now do as lawful what by ,thy eternal law shall never be lawful2 and they think they do it unpunished1 whereas they are punished with the very blindness whereby they do it1 and suffer incomparably worse than what they do4 ,the manners then which1 when a student1 ,i would not make my own1 ,i was fain as a teacher to endure in others3 and so ,i was well pleased to go where1 all that knew it1 assured me that the like was not done4 ,but ,thou1 my refuge and my portion in the land of the living2 that ,i might change my earthly dwelling for the salvation of my soul1 at ,carthage didst goad me1 that ,i might thereby be torn from it2 and at ,rome didst proffer me allurements1 whereby ,i might be drawn thither1 by men in love with a dying life1 the one doing frantic1 the other promising vain1 things2 and1 to correct my steps1 didst secretly use their and my own perverseness4 ,for both they who disturbed my quiet were blinded with a disgraceful frenzy1 and they who invited me elsewhere savoured of earth4 ,and ,i1 who here detested real misery1 was there seeking unreal happiness4 ,but why ,i went hence1 and went thither1 ,thou knewest1 ,o ,god1 yet showedst it neither to me1 nor to my mother1 who grievously bewailed my journey1 and followed me as far as the sea4 ,but ,i deceived her1 holding me by force1 that either she might keep me back or go with me1 and ,i feigned that ,i had a friend whom ,i could not leave1 till he had a fair wind to sail4 ,and ,i lied to my mother1 and such a mother1 and escaped3 for this also hast ,thou mercifully forgiven me1 preserving me1 thus full of execrable defilements1 from the waters of the sea1 for the water of ,thy ,grace2 whereby when ,i was cleansed1 the streams of my mother's eyes should be dried1 with which for me she daily watered the ground under her face4 ,and yet refusing to return without me1 ,i scarcely persuaded her to stay that night in a place hard by our ship1 where was an ,oratory in memory of the blessed ,cyprian4 ,that night ,i privily departed1 but she was not behind in weeping and prayer4 ,and what1 ,o ,lord1 was she with so many tears asking of ,thee1 but that ,thou wouldest not suffer me to sail8 ,but ,thou1 in the depth of ,thy counsels and hearing the main point of her desire1 regardest not what she then asked1 that ,thou mightest make me what she ever asked4 ,the wind blew and swelled our sails1 and withdrew the shore from our sight2 and she on the morrow was there1 frantic with sorrow1 and with complaints and groans filled ,thine ears1 ,who didst then disregard them2 whilst through my desires1 ,thou wert hurrying me to end all desire1 and the earthly part of her affection to me was chastened by the allotted scourge of sorrows4 ,for she loved my being with her1 as mothers do1 but much more than many2 and she knew not how great joy ,thou wert about to work for her out of my absence4 ,she knew not2 therefore did she weep and wail1 and by this agony there appeared in her the inheritance of ,eve1 with sorrow seeking what in sorrow she had brought forth4 ,and yet1 after accusing my treachery and hardheartedness1 she betook herself again to intercede to ,thee for me1 went to her wonted place1 and ,i to ,rome4 ,and lo1 there was ,i received by the scourge of bodily sickness1 and ,i was going down to hell1 carrying all the sins which ,i had committed1 both against ,thee1 and myself1 and others1 many and grievous1 over and above that bond of original sin1 whereby we all die in ,adam4 ,for ,thou hadst not forgiven me any of these things in ,christ1 nor had ,he abolished by ,his ,cross the enmity which by my sins ,i had incurred with ,thee4 ,for how should ,he1 by the crucifixion of a phantasm1 which ,i believed ,him to be8 ,so true1 then1 was the death of my soul1 as that of ,his flesh seemed to me false2 and how true the death of ,his body1 so false was the life of my soul1 which did not believe it4 ,and now the fever heightening1 ,i was parting and departing for ever4 ,for had ,i then parted hence1 whither had ,i departed1 but into fire and torments1 such as my misdeeds deserved in the truth of ,thy appointment8 ,and this she knew not1 yet in absence prayed for me4 ,but ,thou1 everywhere present1 heardest her where she was1 and1 where ,i was1 hadst compassion upon me2 that ,i should recover the health of my body1 though frenzied as yet in my sacrilegious heart4 ,for ,i did not in all that danger desire ,thy baptism2 and ,i was better as a boy1 when ,i begged it of my mother's piety1 as ,i have before recited and confessed4 ,but ,i had grown up to my own shame1 and ,i madly scoffed at the prescripts of ,thy medicine1 who wouldest not suffer me1 being such1 to die a double death4 ,with which wound had my mother's heart been pierced1 it could never be healed4 ,for ,i cannot express the affection she bore to me1 and with how much more vehement anguish she was now in labour of me in the spirit1 than at her childbearing in the flesh4 ,i see not then how she should have been healed1 had such a death of mine stricken through the bowels of her love4 ,and where would have been those her so strong and unceasing prayers1 unintermitting to ,thee alone8 ,but wouldest ,thou1 ,god of mercies1 despise the contrite and humbled heart of that chaste and sober widow1 so frequent in almsdeeds1 so full of duty and service to ,thy saints1 no day intermitting the oblation at ,thine altar1 twice a day1 morning and evening1 without any intermission1 coming to ,thy church1 not for idle tattlings and old wives' fables2 but that she might hear ,thee in ,thy discourses1 and ,thou her in her prayers4 ,couldest ,thou despise and reject from ,thy aid the tears of such an one1 wherewith she begged of ,thee not gold or silver1 nor any mutable or passing good1 but the salvation of her son's soul8 ,thou1 by whose gift she was such8 ,never1 ,lord4 ,yea1 ,thou wert at hand1 and wert hearing and doing1 in that order wherein ,thou hadst determined before that it should be done4 ,far be it that ,thou shouldest deceive her in ,thy visions and answers1 some whereof ,i have1 some ,i have not mentioned1 which she laid up in her faithful heart1 and ever praying1 urged upon ,thee1 as ,thine own handwriting4 ,for ,thou1 because ,thy mercy endureth for ever1 vouchsafest to those to whom ,thou forgivest all of their debts1 to become also a debtor by ,thy promises4 ,thou recoveredst me then of that sickness1 and healedst the son of ,thy handmaid1 for the time in body1 that he might live1 for ,thee to bestow upon him a better and more abiding health4 ,and even then1 at ,rome1 ,i joined myself to those deceiving and deceived holy ones2 not with their disciples only 7of which number was he1 in whose house ,i had fallen sick and recovered72 but also with those whom they call ,the ,elect4 ,for ,i still thought that it was not we that sin1 but that ,i know not what other nature sinned in us2 and it delighted my pride1 to be free from blame2 and when ,i had done any evil1 not to confess ,i had done any1 that ,thou mightest heal my soul because it had sinned against ,thee3 but ,i loved to excuse it1 and to accuse ,i know not what other thing1 which was with me1 but which ,i was not4 ,but in truth it was wholly ,i1 and mine impiety had divided me against myself3 and that sin was the more incurable1 whereby ,i did not judge myself a sinner2 and execrable iniquity it was1 that ,i had rather have ,thee1 ,thee1 ,o ,god ,almighty1 to be overcome in me to my destruction1 than myself of ,thee to salvation4 ,not as yet then hadst ,thou set a watch before my mouth1 and a door of safe keeping around my lips1 that my heart might not turn aside to wicked speeches1 to make excuses of sins1 with men that work iniquity2 and1 therefore1 was ,i still united with their ,elect4 ,but now despairing to make proficiency in that false doctrine1 even those things 7with which if ,i should find no better1 ,i had resolved to rest contented7 ,i now held more laxly and carelessly4 ,for there half arose a thought in me that those philosophers1 whom they call ,academics1 were wiser than the rest1 for that they held men ought to doubt everything1 and laid down that no truth can be comprehended by man3 for so1 not then understanding even their meaning1 ,i also was clearly convinced that they thought1 as they are commonly reported4 ,yet did ,i freely and openly discourage that host of mine from that over-confidence which ,i perceived him to have in those fables1 which the books of ,manichaeus are full of4 ,yet ,i lived in more familiar friendship with them1 than with others who were not of this heresy4 ,nor did ,i maintain it with my ancient eagerness2 still my intimacy with that sect 7,rome secretly harbouring many of them7 made me slower to seek any other way3 especially since ,i despaired of finding the truth1 from which they had turned me aside1 in ,thy ,church1 ,o ,lord of heaven and earth1 ,creator of all things visible and invisible3 and it seemed to me very unseemly to believe ,thee to have the shape of human flesh1 and to be bounded by the bodily lineaments of our members4 ,and because1 when ,i wished to think on my ,god1 ,i knew not what to think of1 but a mass of bodies 7for what was not such did not seem to me to be anything71 this was the greatest1 and almost only cause of my inevitable error4 ,for hence ,i believed ,evil also to be some such kind of substance1 and to have its own foul and hideous bulk2 whether gross1 which they called earth1 or thin and subtile 7like the body of the air71 which they imagine to be some malignant mind1 creeping through that earth4 ,and because a piety1 such as it was1 constrained me to believe that the good ,god never created any evil nature1 ,i conceived two masses1 contrary to one another1 both unbounded1 but the evil narrower1 the good more expansive4 ,and from this pestilent beginning1 the other sacrilegious conceits followed on me4 ,for when my mind endeavoured to recur to the ,catholic faith1 ,i was driven back1 since that was not the ,catholic faith which ,i thought to be so4 ,and ,i seemed to myself more reverential1 if ,i believed of ,thee1 my ,god 7to whom ,thy mercies confess out of my mouth71 as unbounded1 at least on other sides1 although on that one where the mass of evil was opposed to ,thee1 ,i was constrained to confess ,thee bounded2 than if on all sides ,i should imagine ,thee to be bounded by the form of a human body4 ,and it seemed to me better to believe ,thee to have created no evil 7which to me ignorant seemed not some only1 but a bodily substance1 because ,i could not conceive of mind unless as a subtile body1 and that diffused in definite spaces71 than to believe the nature of evil1 such as ,i conceived it1 could come from ,thee4 ,yea1 and our ,saviour ,himself1 ,thy ,only ,begotten1 ,i believed to have been reached forth 7as it were7 for our salvation1 out of the mass of ,thy most lucid substance1 so as to believe nothing of ,him1 but what ,i could imagine in my vanity4 ,his ,nature then1 being such1 ,i thought could not be born of the ,virgin ,mary1 without being mingled with the flesh3 and how that which ,i had so figured to myself could be mingled1 and not defiled1 ,i saw not4 ,i feared therefore to believe ,him born in the flesh1 lest ,i should be forced to believe ,him defiled by the flesh4 ,now will ,thy spiritual ones mildly and lovingly smile upon me1 if they shall read these my confessions4 ,yet such was ,i4 ,furthermore1 what the ,manichees had criticised in ,thy ,scriptures1 ,i thought could not be defended2 yet at times verily ,i had a wish to confer upon these several points with some one very well skilled in those books1 and to make trial what he thought thereon2 for the words of one ,helpidius1 as he spoke and disputed face to face against the said ,manichees1 had begun to stir me even at ,carthage3 in that he had produced things out of the ,scriptures1 not easily withstood1 the ,manichees' answer whereto seemed to me weak4 ,and this answer they liked not to give publicly1 but only to us in private4 ,it was1 that the ,scriptures of the ,new ,testament had been corrupted by ,i know not whom1 who wished to engraff the law of the ,jews upon the ,christian faith3 yet themselves produced not any uncorrupted copies4 ,but ,i1 conceiving of things corporeal only1 was mainly held down1 vehemently oppressed and in a manner suffocated by those masses2 panting under which after the breath of ,thy truth1 ,i could not breathe it pure and untainted4 ,i began then diligently to practise that for which ,i came to ,rome1 to teach rhetoric2 and first1 to gather some to my house1 to whom1 and through whom1 ,i had begun to be known2 when lo1 ,i found other offences committed in ,rome1 to which ,i was not exposed in ,africa4 ,true1 those subvertings by profligate young men were not here practised1 as was told me3 but on a sudden1 said they1 to avoid paying their master's stipend1 a number of youths plot together1 and remove to another2--breakers of faith1 who for love of money hold justice cheap4 ,these also my heart hated1 though not with a perfect hatred3 for perchance ,i hated them more because ,i was to suffer by them1 than because they did things utterly unlawful4 ,of a truth such are base persons1 and they go a whoring from ,thee1 loving these fleeting mockeries of things temporal1 and filthy lucre1 which fouls the hand that grasps it2 hugging the fleeting world1 and despising ,thee1 ,who abidest1 and recallest1 and forgivest the adulteress soul of man1 when she returns to ,thee4 ,and now ,i hate such depraved and crooked persons1 though ,i love them if corrigible1 so as to prefer to money the learning which they acquire1 and to learning1 ,thee1 ,o ,god1 the truth and fulness of assured good1 and most pure peace4 ,but then ,i rather for my own sake misliked them evil1 than liked and wished them good for ,thine4 ,when therefore they of ,milan had sent to ,rome to the prefect of the city1 to furnish them with a rhetoric reader for their city1 and sent him at the public expense1 ,i made application 7through those very persons1 intoxicated with ,manichaean vanities1 to be freed wherefrom ,i was to go1 neither of us however knowing it7 that ,symmachus1 then prefect of the city1 would try me by setting me some subject1 and so send me4 ,to ,milan ,i came1 to ,ambrose the ,bishop1 known to the whole world as among the best of men1 ,thy devout servant2 whose eloquent discourse did then plentifully dispense unto ,thy people the flour of ,thy wheat1 the gladness of ,thy oil1 and the sober inebriation of ,thy wine4 ,to him was ,i unknowing led by ,thee1 that by him ,i might knowingly be led to ,thee4 ,that man of ,god received me as a father1 and showed me an ,episcopal kindness on my coming4 ,thenceforth ,i began to love him1 at first indeed not as a teacher of the truth 7which ,i utterly despaired of in ,thy ,church71 but as a person kind towards myself4 ,and ,i listened diligently to him preaching to the people1 not with that intent ,i ought1 but1 as it were1 trying his eloquence1 whether it answered the fame thereof1 or flowed fuller or lower than was reported2 and ,i hung on his words attentively2 but of the matter ,i was as a careless and scornful looker-on2 and ,i was delighted with the sweetness of his discourse1 more recondite1 yet in manner less winning and harmonious1 than that of ,faustus4 ,of the matter1 however1 there was no comparison2 for the one was wandering amid ,manichaean delusions1 the other teaching salvation most soundly4 ,but salvation is far from sinners1 such as ,i then stood before him2 and yet was ,i drawing nearer by little and little1 and unconsciously4 ,for though ,i took no pains to learn what he spake1 but only to hear how he spake 7for that empty care alone was left me1 despairing of a way1 open for man1 to ,thee71 yet together with the words which ,i would choose1 came also into my mind the things which ,i would refuse2 for ,i could not separate them4 ,and while ,i opened my heart to admit how eloquently he spake1 there also entered how truly he spake2 but this by degrees4 ,for first1 these things also had now begun to appear to me capable of defence2 and the ,catholic faith1 for which ,i had thought nothing could be said against the ,manichees' objections1 ,i now thought might be maintained without shamelessness2 especially after ,i had heard one or two places of the ,old ,testament resolved1 and ofttimes in a figure1 which when ,i understood literally1 ,i was slain spiritually4 ,very many places then of those books having been explained1 ,i now blamed my despair1 in believing that no answer could be given to such as hated and scoffed at the ,law and the ,prophets4 ,yet did ,i not therefore then see that the ,catholic way was to be held1 because it also could find learned maintainers1 who could at large and with some show of reason answer objections2 nor that what ,i held was therefore to be condemned1 because both sides could be maintained4 ,for the ,catholic cause seemed to me in such sort not vanquished1 as still not as yet to be victorious4 ,hereupon ,i earnestly bent my mind1 to see if in any way ,i could by any certain proof convict the ,manichees of falsehood4 ,could ,i once have conceived a spiritual substance1 all their strongholds had been beaten down1 and cast utterly out of my mind2 but ,i could not4 ,notwithstanding1 concerning the frame of this world1 and the whole of nature1 which the senses of the flesh can reach to1 as ,i more and more considered and compared things1 ,i judged the tenets of most of the philosophers to have been much more probable4 ,so then after the manner of the ,academics 7as they are supposed7 doubting of every thing1 and wavering between all1 ,i settled so far1 that the ,manichees were to be abandoned2 judging that1 even while doubting1 ,i might not continue in that sect1 to which ,i already preferred some of the philosophers2 to which philosophers notwithstanding1 for that they were without the saving ,name of ,christ1 ,i utterly refused to commit the cure of my sick soul4 ,i determined therefore so long to be a ,catechumen in the ,catholic ,church1 to which ,i had been commended by my parents1 till something certain should dawn upon me1 whither ,i might steer my course4 ,,book ,,vi ,o ,thou1 my hope from my youth1 where wert ,thou to me1 and whither wert ,thou gone8 ,hadst not ,thou created me1 and separated me from the beasts of the field1 and fowls of the air8 ,thou hadst made me wiser1 yet did ,i walk in darkness1 and in slippery places1 and sought ,thee abroad out of myself1 and found not the ,god of my heart2 and had come into the depths of the sea1 and distrusted and despaired of ever finding truth4 ,my mother had now come to me1 resolute through piety1 following me over sea and land1 in all perils confiding in ,thee4 ,for in perils of the sea1 she comforted the very mariners 7by whom passengers unacquainted with the deep1 use rather to be comforted when troubled71 assuring them of a safe arrival1 because ,thou hadst by a vision assured her thereof4 ,she found me in grievous peril1 through despair of ever finding truth4 ,but when ,i had discovered to her that ,i was now no longer a ,manichee1 though not yet a ,catholic ,christian1 she was not overjoyed1 as at something unexpected2 although she was now assured concerning that part of my misery1 for which she bewailed me as one dead1 though to be reawakened by ,thee1 carrying me forth upon the bier of her thoughts1 that ,thou mightest say to the son of the widow1 ,young man1 ,i say unto thee1 ,arise2 and he should revive1 and begin to speak1 and ,thou shouldest deliver him to his mother4 ,her heart then was shaken with no tumultuous exultation1 when she heard that what she daily with tears desired of ,thee was already in so great part realised2 in that1 though ,i had not yet attained the truth1 ,i was rescued from falsehood2 but1 as being assured1 that ,thou1 ,who hadst promised the whole1 wouldest one day give the rest1 most calmly1 and with a heart full of confidence1 she replied to me1 ,she believed in ,christ1 that before she departed this life1 she should see me a ,catholic believer4 ,thus much to me4 ,but to ,thee1 ,fountain of mercies1 poured she forth more copious prayers and tears1 that ,thou wouldest hasten ,thy help1 and enlighten my darkness2 and she hastened the more eagerly to the ,church1 and hung upon the lips of ,ambrose1 praying for the fountain of that water1 which springeth up unto life everlasting4 ,but that man she loved as an angel of ,god1 because she knew that by him ,i had been brought for the present to that doubtful state of faith ,i now was in1 through which she anticipated most confidently that ,i should pass from sickness unto health1 after the access1 as it were1 of a sharper fit1 which physicians call the crisis4 ,when then my mother had once1 as she was wont in ,afric1 brought to the ,churches built in memory of the ,saints1 certain cakes1 and bread and wine1 and was forbidden by the door-keeper2 so soon as she knew that the ,bishop had forbidden this1 she so piously and obediently embraced his wishes1 that ,i myself wondered how readily she censured her own practice1 rather than discuss his prohibition4 ,for wine-bibbing did not lay siege to her spirit1 nor did love of wine provoke her to hatred of the truth1 as it doth too many 7both men and women71 who revolt at a lesson of sobriety1 as men well-drunk at a draught mingled with water4 ,but she1 when she had brought her basket with the accustomed festival-food1 to be but tasted by herself1 and then given away1 never joined therewith more than one small cup of wine1 diluted according to her own abstemious habits1 which for courtesy she would taste4 ,and if there were many churches of the departed saints that were to be honoured in that manner1 she still carried round that same one cup1 to be used every where2 and this1 though not only made very watery1 but unpleasantly heated with carrying about1 she would distribute to those about her by small sips2 for she sought there devotion1 not pleasure4 ,so soon1 then1 as she found this custom to be forbidden by that famous preacher and most pious prelate1 even to those that would use it soberly1 lest so an occasion of excess might be given to the drunken2 and for these1 as it were1 anniversary funeral solemnities did much resemble the superstition of the ,gentiles1 she most willingly forbare it3 and for a basket filled with fruits of the earth1 she had learned to bring to the ,churches of the martyrs a breast filled with more purified petitions1 and to give what she could to the poor2 that so the communication of the ,lord's ,body might be there rightly celebrated1 where1 after the example of ,his ,passion1 the martyrs had been sacrificed and crowned4 ,but yet it seems to me1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 and thus thinks my heart of it in ,thy sight1 that perhaps she would not so readily have yielded to the cutting off of this custom1 had it been forbidden by another1 whom she loved not as ,ambrose1 whom1 for my salvation1 she loved most entirely2 and he her again1 for her most religious conversation1 whereby in good works1 so fervent in spirit1 she was constant at church2 so that1 when he saw me1 he often burst forth into her praises2 congratulating me that ,i had such a mother2 not knowing what a son she had in me1 who doubted of all these things1 and imagined the way to life could not be found out4 ,nor did ,i yet groan in my prayers1 that ,thou wouldest help me2 but my spirit was wholly intent on learning1 and restless to dispute4 ,and ,ambrose himself1 as the world counts happy1 ,i esteemed a happy man1 whom personages so great held in such honour2 only his celibacy seemed to me a painful course4 ,but what hope he bore within him1 what struggles he had against the temptations which beset his very excellencies1 or what comfort in adversities1 and what sweet joys ,thy ,bread had for the hidden mouth of his spirit1 when chewing the cud thereof1 ,i neither could conjecture1 nor had experienced4 ,nor did he know the tides of my feelings1 or the abyss of my danger4 ,for ,i could not ask of him1 what ,i would as ,i would1 being shut out both from his ear and speech by multitudes of busy people1 whose weaknesses he served4 ,with whom when he was not taken up 7which was but a little time71 he was either refreshing his body with the sustenance absolutely necessary1 or his mind with reading4 ,but when he was reading1 his eye glided over the pages1 and his heart searched out the sense1 but his voice and tongue were at rest4 ,ofttimes when we had come 7for no man was forbidden to enter1 nor was it his wont that any who came should be announced to him71 we saw him thus reading to himself1 and never otherwise2 and having long sat silent 7for who durst intrude on one so intent87 we were fain to depart1 conjecturing that in the small interval which he obtained1 free from the din of others' business1 for the recruiting of his mind1 he was loth to be taken off2 and perchance he dreaded lest if the author he read should deliver any thing obscurely1 some attentive or perplexed hearer should desire him to expound it1 or to discuss some of the harder questions2 so that his time being thus spent1 he could not turn over so many volumes as he desired2 although the preserving of his voice 7which a very little speaking would weaken7 might be the truer reason for his reading to himself4 ,but with what intent soever he did it1 certainly in such a man it was good4 ,i however certainly had no opportunity of enquiring what ,i wished of that so holy oracle of ,thine1 his breast1 unless the thing might be answered briefly4 ,but those tides in me1 to be poured out to him1 required his full leisure1 and never found it4 ,i heard him indeed every ,lord's day1 rightly expounding the ,word of truth among the people2 and ,i was more and more convinced that all the knots of those crafty calumnies1 which those our deceivers had knit against the ,divine ,books1 could be unravelled4 ,but when ,i understood withal1 that man created by ,thee1 after ,thine own image1 was not so understood by ,thy spiritual sons1 whom of the ,catholic ,mother ,thou hast born again through grace1 as though they believed and conceived of ,thee as bounded by human shape 7although what a spiritual substance should be ,i had not even a faint or shadowy notion72 yet1 with joy ,i blushed at having so many years barked not against the ,catholic faith1 but against the fictions of carnal imaginations4 ,for so rash and impious had ,i been1 that what ,i ought by enquiring to have learned1 ,i had pronounced on1 condemning4 ,for ,thou1 ,most ,high1 and most near2 most secret1 and most present2 ,who hast not limbs some larger1 some smaller1 but art wholly every where1 and no where in space1 art not of such corporeal shape1 yet hast ,thou made man after ,thine own image2 and behold1 from head to foot is he contained in space4 ,ignorant then how this ,thy image should subsist1 ,i should have knocked and proposed the doubt1 how it was to be believed1 not insultingly opposed it1 as if believed4 ,doubt1 then1 what to hold for certain1 the more sharply gnawed my heart1 the more ashamed ,i was1 that so long deluded and deceived by the promise of certainties1 ,i had with childish error and vehemence1 prated of so many uncertainties4 ,for that they were falsehoods became clear to me later4 ,however ,i was certain that they were uncertain1 and that ,i had formerly accounted them certain1 when with a blind contentiousness1 ,i accused ,thy ,catholic ,church1 whom ,i now discovered1 not indeed as yet to teach truly1 but at least not to teach that for which ,i had grievously censured her4 ,so ,i was confounded1 and converted3 and ,i joyed1 ,o my ,god1 that the ,one ,only ,church1 the body of ,thine ,only ,son 7wherein the name of ,christ had been put upon me as an infant71 had no taste for infantine conceits2 nor in her sound doctrine maintained any tenet which should confine ,thee1 the ,creator of all1 in space1 however great and large1 yet bounded every where by the limits of a human form4 ,i joyed also that the old ,scriptures of the law and the ,prophets were laid before me1 not now to be perused with that eye to which before they seemed absurd1 when ,i reviled ,thy holy ones for so thinking1 whereas indeed they thought not so3 and with joy ,i heard ,ambrose in his sermons to the people1 oftentimes most diligently recommend this text for a rule1 ,the letter killeth1 but the ,spirit giveth life2 whilst he drew aside the mystic veil1 laying open spiritually what1 according to the letter1 seemed to teach something unsound2 teaching herein nothing that offended me1 though he taught what ,i knew not as yet1 whether it were true4 ,for ,i kept my heart from assenting to any thing1 fearing to fall headlong2 but by hanging in suspense ,i was the worse killed4 ,for ,i wished to be as assured of the things ,i saw not1 as ,i was that seven and three are ten4 ,for ,i was not so mad as to think that even this could not be comprehended2 but ,i desired to have other things as clear as this1 whether things corporeal1 which were not present to my senses1 or spiritual1 whereof ,i knew not how to conceive1 except corporeally4 ,and by believing might ,i have been cured1 that so the eyesight of my soul being cleared1 might in some way be directed to ,thy truth1 which abideth always1 and in no part faileth4 ,but as it happens that one who has tried a bad physician1 fears to trust himself with a good one1 so was it with the health of my soul1 which could not be healed but by believing1 and lest it should believe falsehoods1 refused to be cured2 resisting ,thy hands1 ,who hast prepared the medicines of faith1 and hast applied them to the diseases of the whole world1 and given unto them so great authority4 ,being led1 however1 from this to prefer the ,catholic doctrine1 ,i felt that her proceeding was more unassuming and honest1 in that she required to be believed things not demonstrated 7whether it was that they could in themselves be demonstrated but not to certain persons1 or could not at all be71 whereas among the ,manichees our credulity was mocked by a promise of certain knowledge1 and then so many most fabulous and absurd things were imposed to be believed1 because they could not be demonstrated4 ,then ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 little by little with most tender and most merciful hand1 touching and composing my heart1 didst persuade me--considering what innumerable things ,i believed1 which ,i saw not1 nor was present while they were done1 as so many things in secular history1 so many reports of places and of cities1 which ,i had not seen2 so many of friends1 so many of physicians1 so many continually of other men1 which unless we should believe1 we should do nothing at all in this life2 lastly1 with how unshaken an assurance ,i believed of what parents ,i was born1 which ,i could not know1 had ,i not believed upon hearsay--considering all this1 ,thou didst persuade me1 that not they who believed ,thy ,books 7which ,thou hast established in so great authority among almost all nations71 but they who believed them not1 were to be blamed2 and that they were not to be heard1 who should say to me1 ,how knowest thou those ,scriptures to have been imparted unto mankind by the ,spirit of the one true and most true ,god8 ,for this very thing was of all most to be believed1 since no contentiousness of blasphemous questionings1 of all that multitude which ,i had read in the self-contradicting philosophers1 could wring this belief from me1 ,that ,thou art whatsoever ,thou wert 7what ,i knew not71 and ,that the government of human things belongs to ,thee4 ,this ,i believed1 sometimes more strongly1 more weakly otherwhiles2 yet ,i ever believed both that ,thou wert1 and hadst a care of us2 though ,i was ignorant1 both what was to be thought of ,thy substance1 and what way led or led back to ,thee4 ,since then we were too weak by abstract reasonings to find out truth3 and for this very cause needed the authority of ,holy ,writ2 ,i had now begun to believe that ,thou wouldest never have given such excellency of authority to that ,writ in all lands1 hadst ,thou not willed thereby to be believed in1 thereby sought4 ,for now what things1 sounding strangely in the ,scripture1 were wont to offend me1 having heard divers of them expounded satisfactorily1 ,i referred to the depth of the mysteries1 and its authority appeared to me the more venerable1 and more worthy of religious credence1 in that1 while it lay open to all to read1 it reserved the majesty of its mysteries within its profounder meaning1 stooping to all in the great plainness of its words and lowliness of its style1 yet calling forth the intensest application of such as are not light of heart2 that so it might receive all in its open bosom1 and through narrow passages waft over towards ,thee some few1 yet many more than if it stood not aloft on such a height of authority1 nor drew multitudes within its bosom by its holy lowliness4 ,these things ,i thought on1 and ,thou wert with me2 ,i sighed1 and ,thou heardest me2 ,i wavered1 and ,thou didst guide me2 ,i wandered through the broad way of the world1 and ,thou didst not forsake me4 ,i panted after honours1 gains1 marriage2 and thou deridedst me4 ,in these desires ,i underwent most bitter crosses1 ,thou being the more gracious1 the less ,thou sufferedst aught to grow sweet to me1 which was not ,thou4 ,behold my heart1 ,o ,lord1 who wouldest ,i should remember all this1 and confess to ,thee4 ,let my soul cleave unto ,thee1 now that ,thou hast freed it from that fast-holding birdlime of death4 ,how wretched was it6 and ,thou didst irritate the feeling of its wound1 that forsaking all else1 it might be converted unto ,thee1 who art above all1 and without whom all things would be nothing2 be converted1 and be healed4 ,how miserable was ,i then1 and how didst ,thou deal with me1 to make me feel my misery on that day1 when ,i was preparing to recite a panegyric of the ,emperor1 wherein ,i was to utter many a lie1 and lying1 was to be applauded by those who knew ,i lied1 and my heart was panting with these anxieties1 and boiling with the feverishness of consuming thoughts4 ,for1 passing through one of the streets of ,milan1 ,i observed a poor beggar1 then1 ,i suppose1 with a full belly1 joking and joyous3 and ,i sighed1 and spoke to the friends around me1 of the many sorrows of our frenzies2 for that by all such efforts of ours1 as those wherein ,i then toiled dragging along1 under the goading of desire1 the burthen of my own wretchedness1 and1 by dragging1 augmenting it1 we yet looked to arrive only at that very joyousness whither that beggar-man had arrived before us1 who should never perchance attain it4 ,for what he had obtained by means of a few begged pence1 the same was ,i plotting for by many a toilsome turning and winding2 the joy of a temporary felicity4 ,for he verily had not the true joy2 but yet ,i with those my ambitious designs was seeking one much less true4 ,and certainly he was joyous1 ,i anxious2 he void of care1 ,i full of fears4 ,but should any ask me1 had ,i rather be merry or fearful8 ,i would answer merry4 ,again1 if he asked had ,i rather be such as he was1 or what ,i then was8 ,i should choose to be myself1 though worn with cares and fears2 but out of wrong judgment2 for1 was it the truth8 ,for ,i ought not to prefer myself to him1 because more learned than he1 seeing ,i had no joy therein1 but sought to please men by it2 and that not to instruct1 but simply to please4 ,wherefore also ,thou didst break my bones with the staff of ,thy correction4 ,away with those then from my soul who say to her1 ,it makes a difference whence a man's joy is4 ,that beggar-man joyed in drunkenness2 ,thou desiredst to joy in glory4 ,what glory1 ,lord8 ,that which is not in ,thee4 ,for even as his was no true joy1 so was that no true glory3 and it overthrew my soul more4 ,he that very night should digest his drunkenness2 but ,i had slept and risen again with mine1 and was to sleep again1 and again to rise with it1 how many days1 ,thou1 ,god1 knowest4 ,but it doth make a difference whence a man's joy is4 ,i know it1 and the joy of a faithful hope lieth incomparably beyond such vanity4 ,yea1 and so was he then beyond me3 for he verily was the happier2 not only for that he was thoroughly drenched in mirth1 ,i disembowelled with cares3 but he1 by fair wishes1 had gotten wine2 ,i1 by lying1 was seeking for empty1 swelling praise4 ,much to this purpose said ,i then to my friends3 and ,i often marked in them how it fared with me2 and ,i found it went ill with me1 and grieved1 and doubled that very ill2 and if any prosperity smiled on me1 ,i was loth to catch at it1 for almost before ,i could grasp it1 it flew away4 ,these things we1 who were living as friends together1 bemoaned together1 but chiefly and most familiarly did ,i speak thereof with ,alypius and ,nebridius1 of whom ,alypius was born in the same town with me1 of persons of chief rank there1 but younger than ,i4 ,for he had studied under me1 both when ,i first lectured in our town1 and afterwards at ,carthage1 and he loved me much1 because ,i seemed to him kind1 and learned2 and ,i him1 for his great towardliness to virtue1 which was eminent enough in one of no greater years4 ,yet the whirlpool of ,carthaginian habits 7amongst whom those idle spectacles are hotly followed7 had drawn him into the madness of the ,circus4 ,but while he was miserably tossed therein1 and ,i1 professing rhetoric there1 had a public school1 as yet he used not my teaching1 by reason of some unkindness risen betwixt his father and me4 ,i had found then how deadly he doted upon the ,circus1 and was deeply grieved that he seemed likely1 nay1 or had thrown away so great promise3 yet had ,i no means of advising or with a sort of constraint reclaiming him1 either by the kindness of a friend1 or the authority of a master4 ,for ,i supposed that he thought of me as did his father2 but he was not such2 laying aside then his father's mind in that matter1 he began to greet me1 come sometimes into my lecture room1 hear a little1 and be gone4 ,i however had forgotten to deal with him1 that he should not1 through a blind and headlong desire of vain pastimes1 undo so good a wit4 ,but ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 who guidest the course of all ,thou hast created1 hadst not forgotten him1 who was one day to be among ,thy children1 ,priest and ,dispenser of ,thy ,sacrament2 and that his amendment might plainly be attributed to ,thyself1 ,thou effectedst it through me1 unknowingly4 ,for as one day ,i sat in my accustomed place1 with my scholars before me1 he entered1 greeted me1 sat down1 and applied his mind to what ,i then handled4 ,i had by chance a passage in hand1 which while ,i was explaining1 a likeness from the ,circensian races occurred to me1 as likely to make what ,i would convey pleasanter and plainer1 seasoned with biting mockery of those whom that madness had enthralled2 ,god1 ,thou knowest that ,i then thought not of curing ,alypius of that infection4 ,but he took it wholly to himself1 and thought that ,i said it simply for his sake4 ,and whence another would have taken occasion of offence with me1 that right-minded youth took as a ground of being offended at himself1 and loving me more fervently4 ,for ,thou hadst said it long ago1 and put it into ,thy book1 ,rebuke a wise man and he will love ,thee4 ,but ,i had not rebuked him1 but ,thou1 who employest all1 knowing or not knowing1 in that order which ,thyself knowest 7and that order is just71 didst of my heart and tongue make burning coals1 by which to set on fire the hopeful mind1 thus languishing1 and so cure it4 ,let him be silent in ,thy praises1 who considers not ,thy mercies1 which confess unto ,thee out of my inmost soul4 ,for he upon that speech burst out of that pit so deep1 wherein he was wilfully plunged1 and was blinded with its wretched pastimes2 and he shook his mind with a strong self-command2 whereupon all the filths of the ,circensian pastimes flew off from him1 nor came he again thither4 ,upon this1 he prevailed with his unwilling father that he might be my scholar4 ,he gave way1 and gave in4 ,and ,alypius beginning to be my hearer again1 was involved in the same superstition with me1 loving in the ,manichees that show of continency which he supposed true and unfeigned4 ,whereas it was a senseless and seducing continency1 ensnaring precious souls1 unable as yet to reach the depth of virtue1 yet readily beguiled with the surface of what was but a shadowy and counterfeit virtue4 ,he1 not forsaking that secular course which his parents had charmed him to pursue1 had gone before me to ,rome1 to study law1 and there he was carried away incredibly with an incredible eagerness after the shows of gladiators4 ,for being utterly averse to and detesting spectacles1 he was one day by chance met by divers of his acquaintance and fellow-students coming from dinner1 and they with a familiar violence haled him1 vehemently refusing and resisting1 into the ,amphitheatre1 during these cruel and deadly shows1 he thus protesting3 ,though you hale my body to that place1 and there set me1 can you force me also to turn my mind or my eyes to those shows8 ,i shall then be absent while present1 and so shall overcome both you and them4 ,they1 hearing this1 led him on nevertheless1 desirous perchance to try that very thing1 whether he could do as he said4 ,when they were come thither1 and had taken their places as they could1 the whole place kindled with that savage pastime4 ,but he1 closing the passage of his eyes1 forbade his mind to range abroad after such evil2 and would he had stopped his ears also6 ,for in the fight1 when one fell1 a mighty cry of the whole people striking him strongly1 overcome by curiosity1 and as if prepared to despise and be superior to it whatsoever it were1 even when seen1 he opened his eyes1 and was stricken with a deeper wound in his soul than the other1 whom he desired to behold1 was in his body2 and he fell more miserably than he upon whose fall that mighty noise was raised1 which entered through his ears1 and unlocked his eyes1 to make way for the striking and beating down of a soul1 bold rather than resolute1 and the weaker1 in that it had presumed on itself1 which ought to have relied on ,thee4 ,for so soon as he saw that blood1 he therewith drunk down savageness2 nor turned away1 but fixed his eye1 drinking in frenzy1 unawares1 and was delighted with that guilty fight1 and intoxicated with the bloody pastime4 ,nor was he now the man he came1 but one of the throng he came unto1 yea1 a true associate of theirs that brought him thither4 ,why say more8 ,he beheld1 shouted1 kindled1 carried thence with him the madness which should goad him to return not only with them who first drew him thither1 but also before them1 yea and to draw in others4 ,yet thence didst ,thou with a most strong and most merciful hand pluck him1 and taughtest him to have confidence not in himself1 but in ,thee4 ,but this was after4 ,but this was already being laid up in his memory to be a medicine hereafter4 ,so was that also1 that when he was yet studying under me at ,carthage1 and was thinking over at mid-day in the market-place what he was to say by heart 7as scholars use to practise71 ,thou sufferedst him to be apprehended by the officers of the market-place for a thief4 ,for no other cause1 ,i deem1 didst ,thou1 our ,god1 suffer it1 but that he who was hereafter to prove so great a man1 should already begin to learn that in judging of causes1 man was not readily to be condemned by man out of a rash credulity4 ,for as he was walking up and down by himself before the judgment-seat1 with his note-book and pen1 lo1 a young man1 a lawyer1 the real thief1 privily bringing a hatchet1 got in1 unperceived by ,alypius1 as far as the leaden gratings which fence in the silversmiths' shops1 and began to cut away the lead4 ,but the noise of the hatchet being heard1 the silversmiths beneath began to make a stir1 and sent to apprehend whomever they should find4 ,but he1 hearing their voices1 ran away1 leaving his hatchet1 fearing to be taken with it4 ,alypius now1 who had not seen him enter1 was aware of his going1 and saw with what speed he made away4 ,and being desirous to know the matter1 entered the place2 where finding the hatchet1 he was standing1 wondering and considering it1 when behold1 those that had been sent1 find him alone with the hatchet in his hand1 the noise whereof had startled and brought them thither4 ,they seize him1 hale him away1 and gathering the dwellers in the market-place together1 boast of having taken a notorious thief1 and so he was being led away to be taken before the judge4 ,but thus far was ,alypius to be instructed4 ,for forthwith1 ,o ,lord1 ,thou succouredst his innocency1 whereof ,thou alone wert witness4 ,for as he was being led either to prison or to punishment1 a certain architect met them1 who had the chief charge of the public buildings4 ,glad they were to meet him especially1 by whom they were wont to be suspected of stealing the goods lost out of the market-place1 as though to show him at last by whom these thefts were committed4 ,he1 however1 had divers times seen ,alypius at a certain senator's house1 to whom he often went to pay his respects2 and recognising him immediately1 took him aside by the hand1 and enquiring the occasion of so great a calamity1 heard the whole matter1 and bade all present1 amid much uproar and threats1 to go with him4 ,so they came to the house of the young man who had done the deed4 ,there1 before the door1 was a boy so young as to be likely1 not apprehending any harm to his master1 to disclose the whole4 ,for he had attended his master to the market-place4 ,whom so soon as ,alypius remembered1 he told the architect3 and he showing the hatchet to the boy1 asked him ,whose that was8 ,ours1 quoth he presently3 and being further questioned1 he discovered every thing4 ,thus the crime being transferred to that house1 and the multitude ashamed1 which had begun to insult over ,alypius1 he who was to be a dispenser of ,thy ,word1 and an examiner of many causes in ,thy ,church1 went away better experienced and instructed4 ,him then ,i had found at ,rome1 and he clave to me by a most strong tie1 and went with me to ,milan1 both that he might not leave me1 and might practise something of the law he had studied1 more to please his parents than himself4 ,there he had thrice sat as ,assessor1 with an uncorruptness much wondered at by others1 he wondering at others rather who could prefer gold to honesty4 ,his character was tried besides1 not only with the bait of covetousness1 but with the goad of fear4 ,at ,rome he was ,assessor to the count of the ,italian ,treasury4 ,there was at that time a very powerful senator1 to whose favours many stood indebted1 many much feared4 ,he would needs1 by his usual power1 have a thing allowed him which by the laws was unallowed4 ,alypius resisted it3 a bribe was promised2 with all his heart he scorned it3 threats were held out2 he trampled upon them3 all wondering at so unwonted a spirit1 which neither desired the friendship1 nor feared the enmity of one so great and so mightily renowned for innumerable means of doing good or evil4 ,and the very judge1 whose councillor ,alypius was1 although also unwilling it should be1 yet did not openly refuse1 but put the matter off upon ,alypius1 alleging that he would not allow him to do it3 for in truth had the judge done it1 ,alypius would have decided otherwise4 ,with this one thing in the way of learning was he well-nigh seduced1 that he might have books copied for him at ,praetorian prices1 but consulting justice1 he altered his deliberation for the better2 esteeming equity whereby he was hindered more gainful than the power whereby he were allowed4 ,these are slight things1 but he that is faithful in little1 is faithful also in much4 ,nor can that any how be void1 which proceeded out of the mouth of ,thy ,truth3 ,if ye have not been faithful in the unrighteous ,mammon1 who will commit to your trust true riches8 ,and if ye have not been faithful in that which is another man's1 who shall give you that which is your own8 ,he being such1 did at that time cleave to me1 and with me wavered in purpose1 what course of life was to be taken4 ,nebridius also1 who having left his native country near ,carthage1 yea and ,carthage itself1 where he had much lived1 leaving his excellent family-estate and house1 and a mother behind1 who was not to follow him1 had come to ,milan1 for no other reason but that with me he might live in a most ardent search after truth and wisdom4 ,like me he sighed1 like me he wavered1 an ardent searcher after true life1 and a most acute examiner of the most difficult questions4 ,thus were there the mouths of three indigent persons1 sighing out their wants one to another1 and waiting upon ,thee that ,thou mightest give them their meat in due season4 ,and in all the bitterness which by ,thy mercy followed our worldly affairs1 as we looked towards the end1 why we should suffer all this1 darkness met us2 and we turned away groaning1 and saying1 ,how long shall these things be8 ,this too we often said2 and so saying forsook them not1 for as yet there dawned nothing certain1 which these forsaken1 we might embrace4 ,and ,i1 viewing and reviewing things1 most wondered at the length of time from that my nineteenth year1 wherein ,i had begun to kindle with the desire of wisdom1 settling when ,i had found her1 to abandon all the empty hopes and lying frenzies of vain desires4 ,and lo1 ,i was now in my thirtieth year1 sticking in the same mire1 greedy of enjoying things present1 which passed away and wasted my soul2 while ,i said to myself1 ,tomorrow ,i shall find it2 it will appear manifestly and ,i shall grasp it2 lo1 ,faustus the ,manichee will come1 and clear every thing6 ,o you great men1 ye ,academicians1 it is true then1 that no certainty can be attained for the ordering of life6 ,nay1 let us search the more diligently1 and despair not4 ,lo1 things in the ecclesiastical books are not absurd to us now1 which sometimes seemed absurd1 and may be otherwise taken1 and in a good sense4 ,i will take my stand1 where1 as a child1 my parents placed me1 until the clear truth be found out4 ,but where shall it be sought or when8 ,ambrose has no leisure2 we have no leisure to read2 where shall we find even the books8 ,whence1 or when procure them8 from whom borrow them8 ,let set times be appointed1 and certain hours be ordered for the health of our soul4 ,great hope has dawned2 the ,catholic ,faith teaches not what we thought1 and vainly accused it of2 her instructed members hold it profane to believe ,god to be bounded by the figure of a human body3 and do we doubt to 'knock1' that the rest 'may be opened'8 ,the forenoons our scholars take up2 what do we during the rest8 ,why not this8 ,but when then pay we court to our great friends1 whose favour we need8 ,when compose what we may sell to scholars8 ,when refresh ourselves1 unbending our minds from this intenseness of care8 ,perish every thing1 dismiss we these empty vanities1 and betake ourselves to the one search for truth6 ,life is vain1 death uncertain2 if it steals upon us on a sudden1 in what state shall we depart hence8 and where shall we learn what here we have neglected8 and shall we not rather suffer the punishment of this negligence8 ,what1 if death itself cut off and end all care and feeling8 ,then must this be ascertained4 ,but ,god forbid this6 ,it is no vain and empty thing1 that the excellent dignity of the authority of the ,christian ,faith hath overspread the whole world4 ,never would such and so great things be by ,god wrought for us1 if with the death of the body the life of the soul came to an end4 ,wherefore delay then to abandon worldly hopes1 and give ourselves wholly to seek after ,god and the blessed life8 ,but wait6 ,even those things are pleasant2 they have some1 and no small sweetness4 ,we must not lightly abandon them1 for it were a shame to return again to them4 ,see1 it is no great matter now to obtain some station1 and then what should we more wish for8 ,we have store of powerful friends2 if nothing else offer1 and we be in much haste1 at least a presidentship may be given us3 and a wife with some money1 that she increase not our charges3 and this shall be the bound of desire4 ,many great men1 and most worthy of imitation1 have given themselves to the study of wisdom in the state of marriage4 ,while ,i went over these things1 and these winds shifted and drove my heart this way and that1 time passed on1 but ,i delayed to turn to the ,lord2 and from day to day deferred to live in ,thee1 and deferred not daily to die in myself4 ,loving a happy life1 ,i feared it in its own abode1 and sought it1 by fleeing from it4 ,i thought ,i should be too miserable1 unless folded in female arms2 and of the medicine of ,thy mercy to cure that infirmity ,i thought not1 not having tried it4 ,as for continency1 ,i supposed it to be in our own power 7though in myself ,i did not find that power71 being so foolish as not to know what is written1 ,none can be continent unless ,thou give it2 and that ,thou wouldest give it1 if with inward groanings ,i did knock at ,thine ears1 and with a settled faith did cast my care on ,thee4 ,alypius indeed kept me from marrying2 alleging that so could we by no means with undistracted leisure live together in the love of wisdom1 as we had long desired4 ,for himself was even then most pure in this point1 so that it was wonderful2 and that the more1 since in the outset of his youth he had entered into that course1 but had not stuck fast therein2 rather had he felt remorse and revolting at it1 living thenceforth until now most continently4 ,but ,i opposed him with the examples of those who as married men had cherished wisdom1 and served ,god acceptably1 and retained their friends1 and loved them faithfully4 ,of whose greatness of spirit ,i was far short2 and bound with the disease of the flesh1 and its deadly sweetness1 drew along my chain1 dreading to be loosed1 and as if my wound had been fretted1 put back his good persuasions1 as it were the hand of one that would unchain me4 ,moreover1 by me did the serpent speak unto ,alypius himself1 by my tongue weaving and laying in his path pleasurable snares1 wherein his virtuous and free feet might be entangled4 ,for when he wondered that ,i1 whom he esteemed not slightly1 should stick so fast in the birdlime of that pleasure1 as to protest 7so oft as we discussed it7 that ,i could never lead a single life2 and urged in my defence when ,i saw him wonder1 that there was great difference between his momentary and scarce-remembered knowledge of that life1 which so he might easily despise1 and my continued acquaintance whereto if the honourable name of marriage were added1 he ought not to wonder why ,i could not contemn that course2 he began also to desire to be married2 not as overcome with desire of such pleasure1 but out of curiosity4 ,for he would fain know1 he said1 what that should be1 without which my life1 to him so pleasing1 would to me seem not life but a punishment4 ,for his mind1 free from that chain1 was amazed at my thraldom2 and through that amazement was going on to a desire of trying it1 thence to the trial itself1 and thence perhaps to sink into that bondage whereat he wondered1 seeing he was willing to make a covenant with death2 and he that loves danger1 shall fall into it4 ,for whatever honour there be in the office of well-ordering a married life1 and a family1 moved us but slightly4 ,but me for the most part the habit of satisfying an insatiable appetite tormented1 while it held me captive2 him1 an admiring wonder was leading captive4 ,so were we1 until ,thou1 ,o ,most ,high1 not forsaking our dust1 commiserating us miserable1 didst come to our help1 by wondrous and secret ways4 ,continual effort was made to have me married4 ,i wooed1 ,i was promised1 chiefly through my mother's pains1 that so once married1 the health-giving baptism might cleanse me1 towards which she rejoiced that ,i was being daily fitted1 and observed that her prayers1 and ,thy promises1 were being fulfilled in my faith4 ,at which time verily1 both at my request and her own longing1 with strong cries of heart she daily begged of ,thee1 that ,thou wouldest by a vision discover unto her something concerning my future marriage2 ,thou never wouldest4 ,she saw indeed certain vain and fantastic things1 such as the energy of the human spirit1 busied thereon1 brought together2 and these she told me of1 not with that confidence she was wont1 when ,thou showedst her any thing1 but slighting them4 ,for she could1 she said1 through a certain feeling1 which in words she could not express1 discern betwixt ,thy revelations1 and the dreams of her own soul4 ,yet the matter was pressed on1 and a maiden asked in marriage1 two years under the fit age2 and1 as pleasing1 was waited for4 ,and many of us friends conferring about1 and detesting the turbulent turmoils of human life1 had debated and now almost resolved on living apart from business and the bustle of men2 and this was to be thus obtained2 we were to bring whatever we might severally procure1 and make one household of all2 so that through the truth of our friendship nothing should belong especially to any2 but the whole thus derived from all1 should as a whole belong to each1 and all to all4 ,we thought there might be some often persons in this society2 some of whom were very rich1 especially ,romanianus our townsman1 from childhood a very familiar friend of mine1 whom the grievous perplexities of his affairs had brought up to court2 who was the most earnest for this project2 and therein was his voice of great weight1 because his ample estate far exceeded any of the rest4 ,we had settled also that two annual officers1 as it were1 should provide all things necessary1 the rest being undisturbed4 ,but when we began to consider whether the wives1 which some of us already had1 others hoped to have1 would allow this1 all that plan1 which was being so well moulded1 fell to pieces in our hands1 was utterly dashed and cast aside4 ,thence we betook us to sighs1 and groans1 and our steps to follow the broad and beaten ways of the world2 for many thoughts were in our heart1 but ,thy counsel standeth for ever4 ,out of which counsel ,thou didst deride ours1 and preparedst ,thine own2 purposing to give us meat in due season1 and to fill our souls with blessing4 ,meanwhile my sins were being multiplied1 and my concubine being torn from my side as a hindrance to my marriage1 my heart which clave unto her was torn and wounded and bleeding4 ,and she returned to ,afric1 vowing unto ,thee never to know any other man1 leaving with me my son by her4 ,but unhappy ,i1 who could not imitate a very woman1 impatient of delay1 inasmuch as not till after two years was ,i to obtain her ,i sought not being so much a lover of marriage as a slave to lust1 procured another1 though no wife1 that so by the servitude of an enduring custom1 the disease of my soul might be kept up and carried on in its vigour1 or even augmented1 into the dominion of marriage4 ,nor was that my wound cured1 which had been made by the cutting away of the former1 but after inflammation and most acute pain1 it mortified1 and my pains became less acute1 but more desperate4 ,to ,thee be praise1 glory to ,thee1 ,fountain of mercies4 ,i was becoming more miserable1 and ,thou nearer4 ,thy right hand was continually ready to pluck me out of the mire1 and to wash me thoroughly1 and ,i knew it not2 nor did anything call me back from a yet deeper gulf of carnal pleasures1 but the fear of death1 and of ,thy judgment to come2 which amid all my changes1 never departed from my breast4 ,and in my disputes with my friends ,alypius and ,nebridius of the nature of good and evil1 ,i held that ,epicurus had in my mind won the palm1 had ,i not believed that after death there remained a life for the soul1 and places of requital according to men's deserts1 which ,epicurus would not believe4 ,and ,i asked1 were we immortal1 and to live in perpetual bodily pleasure1 without fear of losing it1 why should we not be happy1 or what else should we seek8 not knowing that great misery was involved in this very thing1 that1 being thus sunk and blinded1 ,i could not discern that light of excellence and beauty1 to be embraced for its own sake1 which the eye of flesh cannot see1 and is seen by the inner man4 ,nor did ,i1 unhappy1 consider from what source it sprung1 that even on these things1 foul as they were1 ,i with pleasure discoursed with my friends1 nor could ,i1 even according to the notions ,i then had of happiness1 be happy without friends1 amid what abundance soever of carnal pleasures4 ,and yet these friends ,i loved for themselves only1 and ,i felt that ,i was beloved of them again for myself only4 ,o crooked paths6 ,woe to the audacious soul1 which hoped1 by forsaking ,thee1 to gain some better thing6 ,turned it hath1 and turned again1 upon back1 sides1 and belly1 yet all was painful2 and ,thou alone rest4 ,and behold1 ,thou art at hand1 and deliverest us from our wretched wanderings1 and placest us in ,thy way1 and dost comfort us1 and say1 ,run2 ,i will carry you2 yea ,i will bring you through2 there also will ,i carry you4 ,,book ,,vii ,deceased was now that my evil and abominable youth1 and ,i was passing into early manhood2 the more defiled by vain things as ,i grew in years1 who could not imagine any substance1 but such as is wont to be seen with these eyes4 ,i thought not of ,thee1 ,o ,god1 under the figure of a human body2 since ,i began to hear aught of wisdom1 ,i always avoided this2 and rejoiced to have found the same in the faith of our spiritual mother1 ,thy ,catholic ,church4 ,but what else to conceive of ,thee ,i knew not4 ,and ,i1 a man1 and such a man1 sought to conceive of ,thee the sovereign1 only1 true ,god2 and ,i did in my inmost soul believe that ,thou wert incorruptible1 and uninjurable1 and unchangeable2 because though not knowing whence or how1 yet ,i saw plainly1 and was sure1 that that which may be corrupted must be inferior to that which cannot2 what could not be injured ,i preferred unhesitatingly to what could receive injury2 the unchangeable to things subject to change4 ,my heart passionately cried out against all my phantoms1 and with this one blow ,i sought to beat away from the eye of my mind all that unclean troop which buzzed around it4 ,and lo1 being scarce put off1 in the twinkling of an eye they gathered again thick about me1 flew against my face1 and beclouded it2 so that though not under the form of the human body1 yet was ,i constrained to conceive of ,thee 7that incorruptible1 uninjurable1 and unchangeable1 which ,i preferred before the corruptible1 and injurable1 and changeable7 as being in space1 whether infused into the world1 or diffused infinitely without it4 ,because whatsoever ,i conceived1 deprived of this space1 seemed to me nothing1 yea altogether nothing1 not even a void1 as if a body were taken out of its place1 and the place should remain empty of any body at all1 of earth and water1 air and heaven1 yet would it remain a void place1 as it were a spacious nothing4 ,i then being thus gross-hearted1 nor clear even to myself1 whatsoever was not extended over certain spaces1 nor diffused1 nor condensed1 nor swelled out1 or did not or could not receive some of these dimensions1 ,i thought to be altogether nothing4 ,for over such forms as my eyes are wont to range1 did my heart then range3 nor yet did ,i see that this same notion of the mind1 whereby ,i formed those very images1 was not of this sort1 and yet it could not have formed them1 had not itself been some great thing4 ,so also did ,i endeavour to conceive of ,thee1 ,life of my life1 as vast1 through infinite spaces on every side penetrating the whole mass of the universe1 and beyond it1 every way1 through unmeasurable boundless spaces2 so that the earth should have ,thee1 the heaven have ,thee1 all things have ,thee1 and they be bounded in ,thee1 and ,thou bounded nowhere4 ,for that as the body of this air which is above the earth1 hindereth not the light of the sun from passing through it1 penetrating it1 not by bursting or by cutting1 but by filling it wholly3 so ,i thought the body not of heaven1 air1 and sea only1 but of the earth too1 pervious to ,thee1 so that in all its parts1 the greatest as the smallest1 it should admit ,thy presence1 by a secret inspiration1 within and without1 directing all things which ,thou hast created4 ,so ,i guessed1 only as unable to conceive aught else1 for it was false4 ,for thus should a greater part of the earth contain a greater portion of ,thee1 and a less1 a lesser3 and all things should in such sort be full of ,thee1 that the body of an elephant should contain more of ,thee1 than that of a sparrow1 by how much larger it is1 and takes up more room2 and thus shouldest ,thou make the several portions of ,thyself present unto the several portions of the world1 in fragments1 large to the large1 petty to the petty4 ,but such art not ,thou4 ,but not as yet hadst ,thou enlightened my darkness4 ,it was enough for me1 ,lord1 to oppose to those deceived deceivers1 and dumb praters1 since ,thy word sounded not out of them2--that was enough which long ago1 while we were yet at ,carthage1 ,nebridius used to propound1 at which all we that heard it were staggered3 ,that said nation of darkness1 which the ,manichees are wont to set as an opposing mass over against ,thee1 what could it have done unto ,thee1 hadst ,thou refused to fight with it8 ,for1 if they answered1 'it would have done ,thee some hurt1' then shouldest ,thou be subject to injury and corruption3 but it could do ,thee no hurt1' then was no reason brought for ,thy fighting with it2 and fighting in such wise1 as that a certain portion or member of ,thee1 or offspring of ,thy very ,substance1 should be mingled with opposed powers1 and natures not created by ,thee1 and be by them so far corrupted and changed to the worse1 as to be turned from happiness into misery1 and need assistance1 whereby it might be extricated and purified2 and that this offspring of ,thy ,substance was the soul1 which being enthralled1 defiled1 corrupted1 ,thy ,word1 free1 pure1 and whole1 might relieve2 that ,word itself being still corruptible because it was of one and the same ,substance4 ,so then1 should they affirm ,thee1 whatsoever ,thou art1 that is1 ,thy ,substance whereby ,thou art1 to be incorruptible1 then were all these sayings false and execrable2 but if corruptible1 the very statement showed it to be false and revolting4 ,this argument then of ,nebridius sufficed against those who deserved wholly to be vomited out of the overcharged stomach2 for they had no escape1 without horrible blasphemy of heart and tongue1 thus thinking and speaking of ,thee4 ,but ,i also as yet1 although ,i held and was firmly persuaded that ,thou our ,lord the true ,god1 who madest not only our souls1 but our bodies1 and not only our souls and bodies1 but all beings1 and all things1 wert undefilable and unalterable1 and in no degree mutable2 yet understood ,i not1 clearly and without difficulty1 the cause of evil4 ,and yet whatever it were1 ,i perceived it was in such wise to be sought out1 as should not constrain me to believe the immutable ,god to be mutable1 lest ,i should become that evil ,i was seeking out4 ,i sought it out then1 thus far free from anxiety1 certain of the untruth of what these held1 from whom ,i shrunk with my whole heart3 for ,i saw1 that through enquiring the origin of evil1 they were filled with evil1 in that they preferred to think that ,thy substance did suffer ill than their own did commit it4 ,and ,i strained to perceive what ,i now heard1 that free-will was the cause of our doing ill1 and ,thy just judgment of our suffering ill4 ,but ,i was not able clearly to discern it4 ,so then endeavouring to draw my soul's vision out of that deep pit1 ,i was again plunged therein1 and endeavouring often1 ,i was plunged back as often4 ,but this raised me a little into ,thy light1 that ,i knew as well that ,i had a will1 as that ,i lived3 when then ,i did will or nill any thing1 ,i was most sure that no other than myself did will and nill3 and ,i all but saw that there was the cause of my sin4 ,but what ,i did against my will1 ,i saw that ,i suffered rather than did1 and ,i judged not to be my fault1 but my punishment2 whereby1 however1 holding ,thee to be just1 ,i speedily confessed myself to be not unjustly punished4 ,but again ,i said1 ,who made me8 ,did not my ,god1 ,who is not only good1 but goodness itself8 ,whence then came ,i to will evil and nill good1 so that ,i am thus justly punished8 who set this in me1 and ingrafted into me this plant of bitterness1 seeing ,i was wholly formed by my most sweet ,god8 ,if the devil were the author1 whence is that same devil8 ,and if he also by his own perverse will1 of a good angel became a devil1 whence1 again1 came in him that evil will whereby he became a devil1 seeing the whole nature of angels was made by that most good ,creator8 ,by these thoughts ,i was again sunk down and choked2 yet not brought down to that hell of error 7where no man confesseth unto ,thee71 to think rather that ,thou dost suffer ill1 than that man doth it4 ,for ,i was in such wise striving to find out the rest1 as one who had already found that the incorruptible must needs be better than the corruptible3 and ,thee therefore1 whatsoever ,thou wert1 ,i confessed to be incorruptible4 ,for never soul was1 nor shall be1 able to conceive any thing which may be better than ,thou1 who art the sovereign and the best good4 ,but since most truly and certainly1 the incorruptible is preferable to the corruptible 7as ,i did now prefer it71 then1 wert ,thou not incorruptible1 ,i could in thought have arrived at something better than my ,god4 ,where then ,i saw the incorruptible to be preferable to the corruptible1 there ought ,i to seek for ,thee1 and there observe wherein evil itself was2 that is1 whence corruption comes1 by which ,thy substance can by no means be impaired4 ,for corruption does no ways impair our ,god2 by no will1 by no necessity1 by no unlooked-for chance3 because ,he is ,god1 and what ,he wills is good1 and ,himself is that good2 but to be corrupted is not good4 ,nor art ,thou against ,thy will constrained to any thing1 since ,thy will is not greater than ,thy power4 ,but greater should it be1 were ,thyself greater than ,thyself4 ,for the will and power of ,god is ,god ,himself4 ,and what can be unlooked-for by ,thee1 ,who knowest all things8 ,nor is there any nature in things1 but ,thou knowest it4 ,and what should we more say1 why that substance which ,god is should not be corruptible1 seeing if it were so1 it should not be ,god8 ,and ,i sought whence is evil1 and sought in an evil way2 and saw not the evil in my very search4 ,i set now before the sight of my spirit the whole creation1 whatsoever we can see therein 7as sea1 earth1 air1 stars1 trees1 mortal creatures72 yea1 and whatever in it we do not see1 as the firmament of heaven1 all angels moreover1 and all the spiritual inhabitants thereof4 ,but these very beings1 as though they were bodies1 did my fancy dispose in place1 and ,i made one great mass of ,thy creation1 distinguished as to the kinds of bodies2 some1 real bodies1 some1 what myself had feigned for spirits4 ,and this mass ,i made huge1 not as it was 7which ,i could not know71 but as ,i thought convenient1 yet every way finite4 ,but ,thee1 ,o ,lord1 ,i imagined on every part environing and penetrating it1 though every way infinite3 as if there were a sea1 every where1 and on every side1 through unmeasured space1 one only boundless sea1 and it contained within it some sponge1 huge1 but bounded2 that sponge must needs1 in all its parts1 be filled from that unmeasurable sea3 so conceived ,i ,thy creation1 itself finite1 full of ,thee1 the ,infinite2 and ,i said1 ,behold ,god1 and behold what ,god hath created2 and ,god is good1 yea1 most mightily and incomparably better than all these3 but yet ,he1 the ,good1 created them good2 and see how ,he environeth and fulfils them4 ,where is evil then1 and whence1 and how crept it in hither8 ,what is its root1 and what its seed8 ,or hath it no being8 ,why then fear we and avoid what is not8 ,or if we fear it idly1 then is that very fear evil1 whereby the soul is thus idly goaded and racked4 ,yea1 and so much a greater evil1 as we have nothing to fear1 and yet do fear4 ,therefore either is that evil which we fear1 or else evil is1 that we fear4 ,whence is it then8 seeing ,god1 the ,good1 hath created all these things good4 ,he indeed1 the greater and chiefest ,good1 hath created these lesser goods2 still both ,creator and created1 all are good4 ,whence is evil8 ,or1 was there some evil matter of which ,he made1 and formed1 and ordered it1 yet left something in it which ,he did not convert into good8 ,why so then8 ,had ,he no might to turn and change the whole1 so that no evil should remain in it1 seeing ,he is ,all-mighty8 ,lastly1 why would ,he make any thing at all of it1 and not rather by the same ,all-mightiness cause it not to be at all8 ,or1 could it then be against ,his will8 ,or if it were from eternity1 why suffered ,he it so to be for infinite spaces of times past1 and was pleased so long after to make something out of it8 ,or if ,he were suddenly pleased now to effect somewhat1 this rather should the ,all-mighty have effected1 that this evil matter should not be1 and ,he alone be1 the whole1 true1 sovereign1 and infinite ,good4 ,or if it was not good that ,he who was good should not also frame and create something that were good1 then1 that evil matter being taken away and brought to nothing1 ,he might form good matter1 whereof to create all things4 ,for ,he should not be ,all-mighty1 if ,he might not create something good without the aid of that matter which ,himself had not created4 ,these thoughts ,i revolved in my miserable heart1 overcharged with most gnawing cares1 lest ,i should die ere ,i had found the truth2 yet was the faith of ,thy ,christ1 our ,lord and ,saviour1 professed in the ,church ,catholic1 firmly fixed in my heart1 in many points1 indeed1 as yet unformed1 and fluctuating from the rule of doctrine2 yet did not my mind utterly leave it1 but rather daily took in more and more of it4 ,by this time also had ,i rejected the lying divinations and impious dotages of the astrologers4 ,let ,thine own mercies1 out of my very inmost soul1 confess unto ,thee for this also1 ,o my ,god4 ,for ,thou1 ,thou altogether 7for who else calls us back from the death of all errors1 save the ,life which cannot die1 and the ,wisdom which needing no light enlightens the minds that need it1 whereby the universe is directed1 down to the whirling leaves of trees87--,thou madest provision for my obstinacy wherewith ,i struggled against ,vindicianus1 an acute old man1 and ,nebridius1 a young man of admirable talents2 the first vehemently affirming1 and the latter often 7though with some doubtfulness7 saying1 ,that there was no such art whereby to foresee things to come1 but that men's conjectures were a sort of lottery1 and that out of many things which they said should come to pass1 some actually did1 unawares to them who spake it1 who stumbled upon it1 through their oft speaking4 ,thou providedst then a friend for me1 no negligent consulter of the astrologers2 nor yet well skilled in those arts1 but 7as ,i said7 a curious consulter with them1 and yet knowing something1 which he said he had heard of his father1 which how far it went to overthrow the estimation of that art1 he knew not4 ,this man then1 ,firminus by name1 having had a liberal education1 and well taught in ,rhetoric1 consulted me1 as one very dear to him1 what1 according to his so-called constellations1 ,i thought on certain affairs of his1 wherein his worldly hopes had risen1 and ,i1 who had herein now begun to incline towards ,nebridius' opinion1 did not altogether refuse to conjecture1 and tell him what came into my unresolved mind2 but added1 that ,i was now almost persuaded that these were but empty and ridiculous follies4 ,thereupon he told me that his father had been very curious in such books1 and had a friend as earnest in them as himself1 who with joint study and conference fanned the flame of their affections to these toys1 so that they would observe the moments whereat the very dumb animals1 which bred about their houses1 gave birth1 and then observed the relative position of the heavens1 thereby to make fresh experiments in this so-called art4 ,he said then that he had heard of his father1 that what time his mother was about to give birth to him1 ,firminus1 a woman-servant of that friend of his father's was also with child1 which could not escape her master1 who took care with most exact diligence to know the births of his very puppies4 ,and so it was that 7the one for his wife1 and the other for his servant1 with the most careful observation1 reckoning days1 hours1 nay1 the lesser divisions of the hours7 both were delivered at the same instant2 so that both were constrained to allow the same constellations1 even to the minutest points1 the one for his son1 the other for his new-born slave4 ,for so soon as the women began to be in labour1 they each gave notice to the other what was fallen out in their houses1 and had messengers ready to send to one another so soon as they had notice of the actual birth1 of which they had easily provided1 each in his own province1 to give instant intelligence4 ,thus then the messengers of the respective parties met1 he averred1 at such an equal distance from either house that neither of them could make out any difference in the position of the stars1 or any other minutest points2 and yet ,firminus1 born in a high estate in his parents' house1 ran his course through the gilded paths of life1 was increased in riches1 raised to honours2 whereas that slave continued to serve his masters1 without any relaxation of his yoke1 as ,firminus1 who knew him1 told me4 ,upon hearing and believing these things1 told by one of such credibility1 all that my resistance gave way2 and first ,i endeavoured to reclaim ,firminus himself from that curiosity1 by telling him that upon inspecting his constellations1 ,i ought if ,i were to predict truly1 to have seen in them parents eminent among their neighbours1 a noble family in its own city1 high birth1 good education1 liberal learning4 ,but if that servant had consulted me upon the same constellations1 since they were his also1 ,i ought again 7to tell him too truly7 to see in them a lineage the most abject1 a slavish condition1 and every thing else utterly at variance with the former4 ,whence then1 if ,i spake the truth1 ,i should1 from the same constellations1 speak diversely1 or if ,i spake the same1 speak falsely3 thence it followed most certainly that whatever1 upon consideration of the constellations1 was spoken truly1 was spoken not out of art1 but chance2 and whatever spoken falsely1 was not out of ignorance in the art1 but the failure of the chance4 ,an opening thus made1 ruminating with myself on the like things1 that no one of those dotards 7who lived by such a trade1 and whom ,i longed to attack1 and with derision to confute7 might urge against me that ,firminus had informed me falsely1 or his father him2 ,i bent my thoughts on those that are born twins1 who for the most part come out of the womb so near one to other1 that the small interval 7how much force soever in the nature of things folk may pretend it to have7 cannot be noted by human observation1 or be at all expressed in those figures which the astrologer is to inspect1 that he may pronounce truly4 ,yet they cannot be true3 for looking into the same figures1 he must have predicted the same of ,esau and ,jacob1 whereas the same happened not to them4 ,therefore he must speak falsely2 or if truly1 then1 looking into the same figures1 he must not give the same answer4 ,not by art1 then1 but by chance1 would he speak truly4 ,for ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 most righteous ,ruler of the ,universe1 while consulters and consulted know it not1 dost by ,thy hidden inspiration effect that the consulter should hear what1 according to the hidden deservings of souls1 he ought to hear1 out of the unsearchable depth of ,thy just judgment1 to ,whom let no man say1 ,what is this8 ,why that8 ,let him not so say1 for he is man4 ,now then1 ,o my ,helper1 hadst ,thou loosed me from those fetters3 and ,i sought whence is evil1 and found no way4 ,but ,thou sufferedst me not by any fluctuations of thought to be carried away from the ,faith whereby ,i believed ,thee both to be1 and ,thy substance to be unchangeable1 and that ,thou hast a care of1 and wouldest judge men1 and that in ,christ1 ,thy ,son1 ,our ,lord1 and the holy ,scriptures1 which the authority of ,thy ,catholic ,church pressed upon me1 ,thou hadst set the way of man's salvation1 to that life which is to be after this death4 ,these things being safe and immovably settled in my mind1 ,i sought anxiously whence was evil8 ,what were the pangs of my teeming heart1 what groans1 ,o my ,god6 yet even there were ,thine ears open1 and ,i knew it not2 and when in silence ,i vehemently sought1 those silent contritions of my soul were strong cries unto ,thy mercy4 ,thou knewest what ,i suffered1 and no man4 ,for1 what was that which was thence through my tongue distilled into the ears of my most familiar friends8 ,did the whole tumult of my soul1 for which neither time nor utterance sufficed1 reach them8 ,yet went up the whole to ,thy hearing1 all which ,i roared out from the groanings of my heart2 and my desire was before ,thee1 and the light of mine eyes was not with me3 for that was within1 ,i without3 nor was that confined to place1 but ,i was intent on things contained in place1 but there found ,i no resting-place1 nor did they so receive me1 that ,i could say1 ,it is enough1 it is well3 nor did they yet suffer me to turn back1 where it might be well enough with me4 ,for to these things was ,i superior1 but inferior to ,thee2 and ,thou art my true joy when subjected to ,thee1 and ,thou hadst subjected to me what ,thou createdst below me4 ,and this was the true temperament1 and middle region of my safety1 to remain in ,thy ,image1 and by serving ,thee1 rule the body4 ,but when ,i rose proudly against ,thee1 and ran against the ,lord with my neck1 with the thick bosses of my buckler1 even these inferior things were set above me1 and pressed me down1 and no where was there respite or space of breathing4 ,they met my sight on all sides by heaps and troops1 and in thought the images thereof presented themselves unsought1 as ,i would return to ,thee1 as if they would say unto me1 ,whither goest thou1 unworthy and defiled8 ,and these things had grown out of my wound2 for ,thou humbledst the proud like one that is wounded1 and through my own swelling was ,i separated from ,thee2 yea1 my pride-swollen face closed up mine eyes4 ,but ,thou1 ,lord1 abidest for ever1 yet not for ever art ,thou angry with us2 because ,thou pitiest our dust and ashes1 and it was pleasing in ,thy sight to reform my deformities2 and by inward goads didst ,thou rouse me1 that ,i should be ill at ease1 until ,thou wert manifested to my inward sight4 ,thus1 by the secret hand of ,thy medicining was my swelling abated1 and the troubled and bedimmed eyesight of my mind1 by the smarting anointings of healthful sorrows1 was from day to day healed4 ,and ,thou1 willing first to show me how ,thou resistest the proud1 but givest grace unto the humble1 and by how great an act of ,thy mercy ,thou hadst traced out to men the way of humility1 in that ,thy ,word was made flesh1 and dwelt among men3--,thou procuredst for me1 by means of one puffed up with most unnatural pride1 certain books of the ,platonists1 translated from ,greek into ,latin4 ,and therein ,i read1 not indeed in the very words1 but to the very same purpose1 enforced by many and divers reasons1 that ,in the beginning was the ,word1 and the ,word was with ,god1 and the ,word was ,god3 the ,same was in the beginning with ,god3 all things were made by ,him1 and without ,him was nothing made3 that which was made by ,him is life1 and the life was the light of men1 and the light shineth in the darkness1 and the darkness comprehended it not4 ,and that the soul of man1 though it bears witness to the light1 yet itself is not that light2 but the ,word of ,god1 being ,god1 is that true light that lighteth every man that cometh into the world4 ,and that ,he was in the world1 and the world was made by ,him1 and the world knew ,him not4 ,but1 that ,he came unto ,his own1 and ,his own received ,him not2 but as many as received ,him1 to them gave ,he power to become the sons of ,god1 as many as believed in ,his name2 this ,i read not there4 ,again ,i read there1 that ,god the ,word was born not of flesh nor of blood1 nor of the will of man1 nor of the will of the flesh1 but of ,god4 ,but that the ,word was made flesh1 and dwelt among us1 ,i read not there4 ,for ,i traced in those books that it was many and divers ways said1 that the ,son was in the form of the ,father1 and thought it not robbery to be equal with ,god1 for that naturally ,he was the ,same ,substance4 ,but that ,he emptied ,himself1 taking the form of a servant1 being made in the likeness of men1 and found in fashion as a man1 humbled ,himself1 and became obedient unto death1 and that the death of the cross3 wherefore ,god exalted ,him from the dead1 and gave ,him a name above every name1 that at the name of ,jesus every knee should how1 of things in heaven1 and things in earth1 and things under the earth2 and that every tongue should confess that the ,lord ,jesus ,christ is in the glory of ,god the ,father2 those books have not4 ,for that before all times and above all times ,thy ,only-,begotten ,son remaineth unchangeable1 co-eternal with ,thee1 and that of ,his fulness souls receive1 that they may be blessed2 and that by participation of wisdom abiding in them1 they are renewed1 so as to be wise1 is there4 ,but that in due time ,he died for the ungodly2 and that ,thou sparedst not ,thine ,only ,son1 but deliveredst ,him for us all1 is not there4 ,for ,thou hiddest these things from the wise1 and revealedst them to babes2 that they that labour and are heavy laden might come unto ,him1 and ,he refresh them1 because ,he is meek and lowly in heart2 and the meek ,he directeth in judgment1 and the gentle ,he teacheth ,his ways1 beholding our lowliness and trouble1 and forgiving all our sins4 ,but such as are lifted up in the lofty walk of some would-be sublimer learning1 hear not ,him1 saying1 ,learn of ,me1 for ,i am meek and lowly in heart1 and ye shall find rest to your souls4 ,although they knew ,god1 yet they glorify ,him not as ,god1 nor are thankful1 but wax vain in their thoughts2 and their foolish heart is darkened2 professing that they were wise1 they became fools4 ,and therefore did ,i read there also1 that they had changed the glory of ,thy incorruptible nature into idols and divers shapes1 into the likeness of the image of corruptible man1 and birds1 and beasts1 and creeping things2 namely1 into that ,egyptian food for which ,esau lost his birthright1 for that ,thy first-born people worshipped the head of a four-footed beast instead of ,thee2 turning in heart back towards ,egypt2 and bowing ,thy image1 their own soul1 before the image of a calf that eateth hay4 ,these things found ,i here1 but ,i fed not on them4 ,for it pleased ,thee1 ,o ,lord1 to take away the reproach of diminution from ,jacob1 that the elder should serve the younger3 and ,thou calledst the ,gentiles into ,thine inheritance4 ,and ,i had come to ,thee from among the ,gentiles2 and ,i set my mind upon the gold which ,thou willedst ,thy people to take from ,egypt1 seeing ,thine it was1 wheresoever it were4 ,and to the ,athenians ,thou saidst by ,thy ,apostle1 that in ,thee we live1 move1 and have our being1 as one of their own poets had said4 ,and verily these books came from thence4 ,but ,i set not my mind on the idols of ,egypt1 whom they served with ,thy gold1 who changed the truth of ,god into a lie1 and worshipped and served the creature more than the ,creator4 ,and being thence admonished to return to myself1 ,i entered even into my inward self1 ,thou being my ,guide3 and able ,i was1 for ,thou wert become my ,helper4 ,and ,i entered and beheld with the eye of my soul 7such as it was71 above the same eye of my soul1 above my mind1 the ,light ,unchangeable4 ,not this ordinary light1 which all flesh may look upon1 nor as it were a greater of the same kind1 as though the brightness of this should be manifold brighter1 and with its greatness take up all space4 ,not such was this light1 but other1 yea1 far other from these4 ,nor was it above my soul1 as oil is above water1 nor yet as heaven above earth3 but above to my soul1 because ,it made me2 and ,i below ,it1 because ,i was made by ,it4 ,he that knows the ,truth1 knows what that ,light is2 and he that knows ,it1 knows eternity4 ,love knoweth it4 ,o ,truth ,who art ,eternity6 and ,love ,who art ,truth6 and ,eternity ,who art ,love6 ,thou art my ,god1 to ,thee do ,i sigh night and day4 ,thee when ,i first knew1 ,thou liftedst me up1 that ,i might see there was what ,i might see1 and that ,i was not yet such as to see4 ,and ,thou didst beat back the weakness of my sight1 streaming forth ,thy beams of light upon me most strongly1 and ,i trembled with love and awe3 and ,i perceived myself to be far off from ,thee1 in the region of unlikeness1 as if ,i heard this ,thy voice from on high3 ,i am the food of grown men1 grow1 and thou shalt feed upon ,me2 nor shalt thou convert ,me1 like the food of thy flesh into thee1 but thou shalt be converted into ,me4 ,and ,i learned1 that ,thou for iniquity chastenest man1 and ,thou madest my soul to consume away like a spider4 ,and ,i said1 ,is ,truth therefore nothing because it is not diffused through space finite or infinite8 ,and ,thou criedst to me from afar3 ,yet verily1 ,i ,,am that ,i ,,am4 ,and ,i heard1 as the heart heareth1 nor had ,i room to doubt1 and ,i should sooner doubt that ,i live than that ,truth is not1 which is clearly seen1 being understood by those things which are made4 ,and ,i beheld the other things below ,thee1 and ,i perceived that they neither altogether are1 nor altogether are not1 for they are1 since they are from ,thee1 but are not1 because they are not what ,thou art4 ,for that truly is which remains unchangeably4 ,it is good then for me to hold fast unto ,god2 for if ,i remain not in ,him1 ,i cannot in myself2 but ,he remaining in ,himself1 reneweth all things4 ,and ,thou art the ,lord my ,god1 since ,thou standest not in need of my goodness4 ,and it was manifested unto me1 that those things be good which yet are corrupted2 which neither were they sovereignly good1 nor unless they were good could be corrupted3 for if sovereignly good1 they were incorruptible1 if not good at all1 there were nothing in them to be corrupted4 ,for corruption injures1 but unless it diminished goodness1 it could not injure4 ,either then corruption injures not1 which cannot be2 or which is most certain1 all which is corrupted is deprived of good4 ,but if they be deprived of all good1 they shall cease to be4 ,for if they shall be1 and can now no longer be corrupted1 they shall be better than before1 because they shall abide incorruptibly4 ,and what more monstrous than to affirm things to become better by losing all their good8 ,therefore1 if they shall be deprived of all good1 they shall no longer be4 ,so long therefore as they are1 they are good3 therefore whatsoever is1 is good4 ,that evil then which ,i sought1 whence it is1 is not any substance3 for were it a substance1 it should be good4 ,for either it should be an incorruptible substance1 and so a chief good3 or a corruptible substance2 which unless it were good1 could not be corrupted4 ,i perceived therefore1 and it was manifested to me that ,thou madest all things good1 nor is there any substance at all1 which ,thou madest not2 and for that ,thou madest not all things equal1 therefore are all things2 because each is good1 and altogether very good1 because our ,god made all things very good4 ,and to ,thee is nothing whatsoever evil3 yea1 not only to ,thee1 but also to ,thy creation as a whole1 because there is nothing without1 which may break in1 and corrupt that order which ,thou hast appointed it4 ,but in the parts thereof some things1 because unharmonising with other some1 are accounted evil3 whereas those very things harmonise with others1 and are good2 and in themselves are good4 ,and all these things which harmonise not together1 do yet with the inferior part1 which we call ,earth1 having its own cloudy and windy sky harmonising with it4 ,far be it then that ,i should say1 ,these things should not be3 for should ,i see nought but these1 ,i should indeed long for the better2 but still must even for these alone praise ,thee2 for that ,thou art to be praised1 do show from the earth1 dragons1 and all deeps1 fire1 hail1 snow1 ice1 and stormy wind1 which fulfil ,thy word2 mountains1 and all hills1 fruitful trees1 and all cedars2 beasts1 and all cattle1 creeping things1 and flying fowls2 kings of the earth1 and all people1 princes1 and all judges of the earth2 young men and maidens1 old men and young1 praise ,thy ,name4 ,but when1 from heaven1 these praise ,thee1 praise ,thee1 our ,god1 in the heights all ,thy angels1 all ,thy hosts1 sun and moon1 all the stars and light1 the ,heaven of heavens1 and the waters that be above the heavens1 praise ,thy ,name2 ,i did not now long for things better1 because ,i conceived of all3 and with a sounder judgment ,i apprehended that the things above were better than these below1 but altogether better than those above by themselves4 ,there is no soundness in them1 whom aught of ,thy creation displeaseth3 as neither in me1 when much which ,thou hast made1 displeased me4 ,and because my soul durst not be displeased at my ,god1 it would fain not account that ,thine1 which displeased it4 ,hence it had gone into the opinion of two substances1 and had no rest1 but talked idly4 ,and returning thence1 it had made to itself a ,god1 through infinite measures of all space2 and thought it to be ,thee1 and placed it in its heart2 and had again become the temple of its own idol1 to ,thee abominable4 ,but after ,thou hadst soothed my head1 unknown to me1 and closed mine eyes that they should not behold vanity1 ,i ceased somewhat of my former self1 and my frenzy was lulled to sleep2 and ,i awoke in ,thee1 and saw ,thee infinite1 but in another way1 and this sight was not derived from the flesh4 ,and ,i looked back on other things2 and ,i saw that they owed their being to ,thee2 and were all bounded in ,thee3 but in a different way2 not as being in space2 but because ,thou containest all things in ,thine hand in ,thy ,truth2 and all things are true so far as they nor is there any falsehood1 unless when that is thought to be1 which is not4 ,and ,i saw that all things did harmonise1 not with their places only1 but with their seasons4 ,and that ,thou1 who only art ,eternal1 didst not begin to work after innumerable spaces of times spent2 for that all spaces of times1 both which have passed1 and which shall pass1 neither go nor come1 but through ,thee1 working and abiding4 ,and ,i perceived and found it nothing strange1 that bread which is pleasant to a healthy palate is loathsome to one distempered3 and to sore eyes light is offensive1 which to the sound is delightful4 ,and ,thy righteousness displeaseth the wicked2 much more the viper and reptiles1 which ,thou hast created good1 fitting in with the inferior portions of ,thy ,creation1 with which the very wicked also fit in2 and that the more1 by how much they be unlike ,thee2 but with the superior creatures1 by how much they become more like to ,thee4 ,and ,i enquired what iniquity was1 and found it to be no substance1 but the perversion of the will1 turned aside from ,thee1 ,o ,god1 the ,supreme1 towards these lower things1 and casting out its bowels1 and puffed up outwardly4 ,and ,i wondered that ,i now loved ,thee1 and no phantasm for ,thee4 ,and yet did ,i not press on to enjoy my ,god2 but was borne up to ,thee by ,thy beauty1 and soon borne down from ,thee by mine own weight1 sinking with sorrow into these inferior things4 ,this weight was carnal custom4 ,yet dwelt there with me a remembrance of ,thee2 nor did ,i any way doubt that there was ,one to whom ,i might cleave1 but that ,i was not yet such as to cleave to ,thee3 for that the body which is corrupted presseth down the soul1 and the earthly tabernacle weigheth down the mind that museth upon many things4 ,and most certain ,i was1 that ,thy invisible works from the creation of the world are clearly seen1 being understood by the things that are made1 even ,thy eternal power and ,godhead4 ,for examining whence it was that ,i admired the beauty of bodies celestial or terrestrial2 and what aided me in judging soundly on things mutable1 and pronouncing1 ,this ought to be thus1 this not2 examining1 ,i say1 whence it was that ,i so judged1 seeing ,i did so judge1 ,i had found the unchangeable and true ,eternity of ,truth above my changeable mind4 ,and thus by degrees ,i passed from bodies to the soul1 which through the bodily senses perceives2 and thence to its inward faculty1 to which the bodily senses represent things external1 whitherto reach the faculties of beasts2 and thence again to the reasoning faculty1 to which what is received from the senses of the body1 is referred to be judged4 ,which finding itself also to be in me a thing variable1 raised itself up to its own understanding1 and drew away my thoughts from the power of habit1 withdrawing itself from those troops of contradictory phantasms2 that so it might find what that light was whereby it was bedewed1 when1 without all doubting1 it cried out1 ,that the unchangeable was to be preferred to the changeable2 whence also it knew ,that ,unchangeable1 which1 unless it had in some way known1 it had had no sure ground to prefer it to the changeable4 ,and thus with the flash of one trembling glance it arrived at ,,that ,,which ,,is4 ,and then ,i saw ,thy invisible things understood by the things which are made4 ,but ,i could not fix my gaze thereon2 and my infirmity being struck back1 ,i was thrown again on my wonted habits1 carrying along with me only a loving memory thereof1 and a longing for what ,i had1 as it were1 perceived the odour of1 but was not yet able to feed on4 ,then ,i sought a way of obtaining strength sufficient to enjoy ,thee2 and found it not1 until ,i embraced that ,mediator betwixt ,god and men1 the ,man ,christ ,jesus1 who is over all1 ,god blessed for evermore1 calling unto me1 and saying1 ,i am the way1 the truth1 and the life1 and mingling that food which ,i was unable to receive1 with our flesh4 ,for1 the ,word was made flesh1 that ,thy wisdom1 whereby ,thou createdst all things1 might provide milk for our infant state4 ,for ,i did not hold to my ,lord ,jesus ,christ1 ,i1 humbled1 to the ,humble2 nor knew ,i yet whereto ,his infirmity would guide us4 ,for ,thy ,word1 the ,eternal ,truth1 far above the higher parts of ,thy ,creation1 raises up the subdued unto ,itself3 but in this lower world built for ,itself a lowly habitation of our clay1 whereby to abase from themselves such as would be subdued1 and bring them over to ,himself2 allaying their swelling1 and fomenting their love2 to the end they might go on no further in self-confidence1 but rather consent to become weak1 seeing before their feet the ,divinity weak by taking our coats of skin2 and wearied1 might cast themselves down upon ,it1 and ,it rising1 might lift them up4 ,but ,i thought otherwise2 conceiving only of my ,lord ,christ as of a man of excellent wisdom1 whom no one could be equalled unto2 especially1 for that being wonderfully born of a ,virgin1 ,he seemed1 in conformity therewith1 through the ,divine care for us1 to have attained that great eminence of authority1 for an ensample of despising things temporal for the obtaining of immortality4 ,but what mystery there lay in ,the ,word was made flesh1 ,i could not even imagine4 ,only ,i had learnt out of what is delivered to us in writing of ,him that ,he did eat1 and drink1 sleep1 walk1 rejoiced in spirit1 was sorrowful1 discoursed2 that flesh did not cleave by itself unto ,thy ,word1 but with the human soul and mind4 ,all know this who know the unchangeableness of ,thy ,word1 which ,i now knew1 as far as ,i could1 nor did ,i at all doubt thereof4 ,for1 now to move the limbs of the body by will1 now not1 now to be moved by some affection1 now not1 now to deliver wise sayings through human signs1 now to keep silence1 belong to soul and mind subject to variation4 ,and should these things be falsely written of ,him1 all the rest also would risk the charge1 nor would there remain in those books any saving faith for mankind4 ,since then they were written truly1 ,i acknowledged a perfect man to be in ,christ2 not the body of a man only1 nor1 with the body1 a sensitive soul without a rational1 but very man2 whom1 not only as being a form of ,truth1 but for a certain great excellence of human nature and a more perfect participation of wisdom1 ,i judged to be preferred before others4 ,but ,alypius imagined the ,catholics to believe ,god to be so clothed with flesh1 that besides ,god and flesh1 there was no soul at all in ,christ1 and did not think that a human mind was ascribed to ,him4 ,and because he was well persuaded that the actions recorded of ,him could only be performed by a vital and a rational creature1 he moved the more slowly towards the ,christian ,faith4 ,but understanding afterwards that this was the error of the ,apollinarian heretics1 he joyed in and was conformed to the ,catholic ,faith4 ,but somewhat later1 ,i confess1 did ,i learn how in that saying1 ,the ,word was made flesh1 the ,catholic truth is distinguished from the falsehood of ,photinus4 ,for the rejection of heretics makes the tenets of ,thy ,church and sound doctrine to stand out more clearly4 ,for there must also be heresies1 that the approved may be made manifest among the weak4 ,but having then read those books of the ,platonists1 and thence been taught to search for incorporeal truth1 ,i saw ,thy invisible things1 understood by those things which are made2 and though cast back1 ,i perceived what that was which through the darkness of my mind ,i was hindered from contemplating1 being assured ,that ,thou wert1 and wert infinite1 and yet not diffused in space1 finite or infinite2 and that ,thou truly art ,who art the same ever1 in no part nor motion varying2 and that all other things are from ,thee1 on this most sure ground alone1 that they are4 ,of these things ,i was assured1 yet too unsure to enjoy ,thee4 ,i prated as one well skilled2 but had ,i not sought ,thy way in ,christ our ,saviour1 ,i had proved to be1 not skilled1 but killed4 ,for now ,i had begun to wish to seem wise1 being filled with mine own punishment1 yet ,i did not mourn1 but rather scorn1 puffed up with knowledge4 ,for where was that charity building upon the foundation of humility1 which is ,christ ,jesus8 or when should these books teach me it8 ,upon these1 ,i believe1 ,thou therefore willedst that ,i should fall1 before ,i studied ,thy ,scriptures1 that it might be imprinted on my memory how ,i was affected by them2 and that afterwards when my spirits were tamed through ,thy books1 and my wounds touched by ,thy healing fingers1 ,i might discern and distinguish between presumption and confession2 between those who saw whither they were to go1 yet saw not the way1 and the way that leadeth not to behold only but to dwell in the beatific country4 ,for had ,i first been formed in ,thy ,holy ,scriptures1 and hadst ,thou in the familiar use of them grown sweet unto me1 and had ,i then fallen upon those other volumes1 they might perhaps have withdrawn me from the solid ground of piety1 or1 had ,i continued in that healthful frame which ,i had thence imbibed1 ,i might have thought that it might have been obtained by the study of those books alone4 ,most eagerly then did ,i seize that venerable writing of ,thy ,spirit2 and chiefly the ,apostle ,paul4 ,whereupon those difficulties vanished away1 wherein he once seemed to me to contradict himself1 and the text of his discourse not to agree with the testimonies of the ,law and the ,prophets4 ,and the face of that pure word appeared to me one and the same2 and ,i learned to rejoice with trembling4 ,so ,i began2 and whatsoever truth ,i had read in those other books1 ,i found here amid the praise of ,thy ,grace2 that whoso sees1 may not so glory as if he had not received1 not only what he sees1 but also that he sees 7for what hath he1 which he hath not received871 and that he may be not only admonished to behold ,thee1 who art ever the same1 but also healed1 to hold ,thee2 and that he who cannot see afar off1 may yet walk on the way1 whereby he may arrive1 and behold1 and hold ,thee4 ,for1 though a man be delighted with the law of ,god after the inner man1 what shall he do with that other law in his members which warreth against the law of his mind1 and bringeth him into captivity to the law of sin which is in his members8 ,for1 ,thou art righteous1 ,o ,lord1 but we have sinned and committed iniquity1 and have done wickedly1 and ,thy hand is grown heavy upon us1 and we are justly delivered over unto that ancient sinner1 the king of death2 because he persuaded our will to be like his will whereby he abode not in ,thy truth4 ,what shall wretched man do8 who shall deliver him from the body of his death1 but only ,thy ,grace1 through ,jesus ,christ our ,lord1 whom ,thou hast begotten co-eternal1 and formedst in the beginning of ,thy ways1 in whom the prince of this world found nothing worthy of death1 yet killed he ,him2 and the handwriting1 which was contrary to us1 was blotted out8 ,this those writings contain not4 ,those pages present not the image of this piety1 the tears of confession1 ,thy sacrifice1 a troubled spirit1 a broken and a contrite heart1 the salvation of the people1 the ,bridal ,city1 the earnest of the ,holy ,ghost1 the ,cup of our ,redemption4 ,no man sings there1 ,shall not my soul be submitted unto ,god8 for of ,him cometh my salvation4 ,for ,he is my ,god and my salvation1 my guardian1 ,i shall no more be moved4 ,no one there hears ,him call1 ,come unto ,me1 all ye that labour4 ,they scorn to learn of ,him1 because ,he is meek and lowly in heart2 for these things hast ,thou hid from the wise and prudent1 and hast revealed them unto babes4 ,for it is one thing1 from the mountain's shaggy top to see the land of peace1 and to find no way thither2 and in vain to essay through ways unpassable1 opposed and beset by fugitives and deserters1 under their captain the lion and the dragon3 and another to keep on the way that leads thither1 guarded by the host of the heavenly ,general2 where they spoil not who have deserted the heavenly army2 for they avoid it1 as very torment4 ,these things did wonderfully sink into my bowels1 when ,i read that least of ,thy ,apostles1 and had meditated upon ,thy works1 and trembled exceedingly4 ,,book ,,viii ,o my ,god1 let me1 with thanksgiving1 remember1 and confess unto ,thee ,thy mercies on me4 ,let my bones be bedewed with ,thy love1 and let them say unto ,thee1 ,who is like unto ,thee1 ,o ,lord8 ,thou hast broken my bonds in sunder1 ,i will offer unto ,thee the sacrifice of thanksgiving4 ,and how ,thou hast broken them1 ,i will declare2 and all who worship ,thee1 when they hear this1 shall say1 ,blessed be the ,lord1 in heaven and in earth1 great and wonderful is his name4 ,thy words had stuck fast in my heart1 and ,i was hedged round about on all sides by ,thee4 ,of ,thy eternal life ,i was now certain1 though ,i saw it in a figure and as through a glass4 ,yet ,i had ceased to doubt that there was an incorruptible substance1 whence was all other substance2 nor did ,i now desire to be more certain of ,thee1 but more steadfast in ,thee4 ,but for my temporal life1 all was wavering1 and my heart had to be purged from the old leaven4 ,the ,way1 the ,saviour ,himself1 well pleased me1 but as yet ,i shrunk from going through its straitness4 ,and ,thou didst put into my mind1 and it seemed good in my eyes1 to go to ,simplicianus1 who seemed to me a good servant of ,thine2 and ,thy grace shone in him4 ,i had heard also that from his very youth he had lived most devoted unto ,thee4 ,now he was grown into years2 and by reason of so great age spent in such zealous following of ,thy ways1 he seemed to me likely to have learned much experience2 and so he had4 ,out of which store ,i wished that he would tell me 7setting before him my anxieties7 which were the fittest way for one in my case to walk in ,thy paths4 ,for1 ,i saw the church full2 and one went this way1 and another that way4 ,but ,i was displeased that ,i led a secular life2 yea now that my desires no longer inflamed me1 as of old1 with hopes of honour and profit1 a very grievous burden it was to undergo so heavy a bondage4 ,for1 in comparison of ,thy sweetness1 and the beauty of ,thy house which ,i loved1 those things delighted me no longer4 ,but still ,i was enthralled with the love of woman2 nor did the ,apostle forbid me to marry1 although he advised me to something better1 chiefly wishing that all men were as himself was4 ,but ,i being weak1 chose the more indulgent place2 and because of this alone1 was tossed up and down in all beside1 faint and wasted with withering cares1 because in other matters ,i was constrained against my will to conform myself to a married life1 to which ,i was given up and enthralled4 ,i had heard from the mouth of the ,truth1 that there were some eunuchs which had made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake3 but1 saith ,he1 let him who can receive it1 receive it4 ,surely vain are all men who are ignorant of ,god1 and could not out of the good things which are seen1 find out ,him who is good4 ,but ,i was no longer in that vanity2 ,i had surmounted it2 and by the common witness of all ,thy creatures had found ,thee our ,creator1 and ,thy ,word1 ,god with ,thee1 and together with ,thee one ,god1 by whom ,thou createdst all things4 ,there is yet another kind of ungodly1 who knowing ,god1 glorified ,him not as ,god1 neither were thankful4 ,into this also had ,i fallen1 but ,thy right hand upheld me1 and took me thence1 and ,thou placedst me where ,i might recover4 ,for ,thou hast said unto man1 ,behold1 the fear of the ,lord is wisdom1 and1 ,desire not to seem wise2 because they who affirmed themselves to be wise1 became fools4 ,but ,i had now found the goodly pearl1 which1 selling all that ,i had1 ,i ought to have bought1 and ,i hesitated4 ,to ,simplicianus then ,i went1 the father of ,ambrose 7a ,bishop now7 in receiving ,thy grace1 and whom ,ambrose truly loved as a father4 ,to him ,i related the mazes of my wanderings4 ,but when ,i mentioned that ,i had read certain books of the ,platonists1 which ,victorinus1 sometime ,rhetoric ,professor of ,rome 7who had died a ,christian1 as ,i had heard71 had translated into ,latin1 he testified his joy that ,i had not fallen upon the writings of other philosophers1 full of fallacies and deceits1 after the rudiments of this world1 whereas the ,platonists many ways led to the belief in ,god and ,his ,word4 ,then to exhort me to the humility of ,christ1 hidden from the wise1 and revealed to little ones1 he spoke of ,victorinus himself1 whom while at ,rome he had most intimately known3 and of him he related what ,i will not conceal4 ,for it contains great praise of ,thy grace1 to be confessed unto ,thee1 how that aged man1 most learned and skilled in the liberal sciences1 and who had read1 and weighed so many works of the philosophers2 the instructor of so many noble ,senators1 who also1 as a monument of his excellent discharge of his office1 had 7which men of this world esteem a high honour7 both deserved and obtained a statue in the ,roman ,forum2 he1 to that age a worshipper of idols1 and a partaker of the sacrilegious rites1 to which almost all the nobility of ,rome were given up1 and had inspired the people with the love of ,anubis1 barking ,deity1 and all ,the monster ,gods of every kind1 who fought ',gainst ,neptune1 ,venus1 and ,minerva3 whom ,rome once conquered1 now adored1 all which the aged ,victorinus had with thundering eloquence so many years defended2--he now blushed not to be the child of ,thy ,christ1 and the new-born babe of ,thy fountain2 submitting his neck to the yoke of humility1 and subduing his forehead to the reproach of the ,cross4 ,o ,lord1 ,lord1 ,which hast bowed the heavens and come down1 touched the mountains and they did smoke1 by what means didst ,thou convey ,thyself into that breast8 ,he used to read 7as ,simplicianus said7 the holy ,scripture1 most studiously sought and searched into all the ,christian writings1 and said to ,simplicianus 7not openly1 but privately and as a friend71 ,understand that ,i am already a ,christian4 ,whereto he answered1 ,i will not believe it1 nor will ,i rank you among ,christians1 unless ,i see you in the ,church of ,christ4 ,the other1 in banter1 replied1 ,do walls then make ,christians8 ,and this he often said1 that he was already a ,christian2 and ,simplicianus as often made the same answer1 and the conceit of the walls was by the other as often renewed4 ,for he feared to offend his friends1 proud daemon-worshippers1 from the height of whose ,babylonian dignity1 as from cedars of ,libanus1 which the ,lord had not yet broken down1 he supposed the weight of enmity would fall upon him4 ,but after that by reading and earnest thought he had gathered firmness1 and feared to be denied by ,christ before the holy angels1 should he now be afraid to confess ,him before men1 and appeared to himself guilty of a heavy offence1 in being ashamed of the ,sacraments of the humility of ,thy ,word1 and not being ashamed of the sacrilegious rites of those proud daemons1 whose pride he had imitated and their rites adopted1 he became bold-faced against vanity1 and shame-faced towards the truth1 and suddenly and unexpectedly said to ,simplicianus 7as himself told me71 ,go we to the ,church2 ,i wish to be made a ,christian4 ,but he1 not containing himself for joy1 went with him4 ,and having been admitted to the first ,sacrament and become a ,catechumen1 not long after he further gave in his name1 that he might be regenerated by baptism1 ,rome wondering1 the ,church rejoicing4 ,the proud saw1 and were wroth2 they gnashed with their teeth1 and melted away4 ,but the ,lord ,god was the hope of ,thy servant1 and he regarded not vanities and lying madness4 ,to conclude1 when the hour was come for making profession of his faith 7which at ,rome they1 who are about to approach to ,thy grace1 deliver1 from an elevated place1 in the sight of all the faithful1 in a set form of words committed to memory71 the presbyters1 he said1 offered ,victorinus 7as was done to such as seemed likely through bashfulness to be alarmed7 to make his profession more privately3 but he chose rather to profess his salvation in the presence of the holy multitude4 ,for it was not salvation that he taught in rhetoric1 and yet that he had publicly professed3 how much less then ought he1 when pronouncing ,thy word1 to dread ,thy meek flock1 who1 when delivering his own words1 had not feared a mad multitude6 ,when1 then1 he went up to make his profession1 all1 as they knew him1 whispered his name one to another with the voice of congratulation4 ,and who there knew him not8 and there ran a low murmur through all the mouths of the rejoicing multitude1 ,victorinus6 ,victorinus6 ,sudden was the burst of rapture1 that they saw him2 suddenly were they hushed that they might hear him4 ,he pronounced the true faith with an excellent boldness1 and all wished to draw him into their very heart2 yea by their love and joy they drew him thither1 such were the hands wherewith they drew him4 ,good ,god6 what takes place in man1 that he should more rejoice at the salvation of a soul despaired of1 and freed from greater peril1 than if there had always been hope of him1 or the danger had been less8 ,for so ,thou also1 merciful ,father1 dost more rejoice over one penitent than over ninety-nine just persons that need no repentance4 ,and with much joyfulness do we hear1 so often as we hear with what joy the sheep which had strayed is brought back upon the shepherd's shoulder1 and the groat is restored to ,thy treasury1 the neighbours rejoicing with the woman who found it2 and the joy of the solemn service of ,thy house forceth to tears1 when in ,thy house it is read of ,thy younger son1 that he was dead1 and liveth again2 had been lost1 and is found4 ,for ,thou rejoicest in us1 and in ,thy holy angels1 holy through holy charity4 ,for ,thou art ever the same2 for all things which abide not the same nor for ever1 ,thou for ever knowest in the same way4 ,what then takes place in the soul1 when it is more delighted at finding or recovering the things it loves1 than if it had ever had them8 yea1 and other things witness hereunto2 and all things are full of witnesses1 crying out1 ,so is it4 ,the conquering commander triumpheth2 yet had he not conquered unless he had fought2 and the more peril there was in the battle1 so much the more joy is there in the triumph4 ,the storm tosses the sailors1 threatens shipwreck2 all wax pale at approaching death2 sky and sea are calmed1 and they are exceeding joyed1 as having been exceeding afraid4 ,a friend is sick1 and his pulse threatens danger2 all who long for his recovery are sick in mind with him4 ,he is restored1 though as yet he walks not with his former strength2 yet there is such joy1 as was not1 when before he walked sound and strong4 ,yea1 the very pleasures of human life men acquire by difficulties1 not those only which fall upon us unlooked for1 and against our wills1 but even by self-chosen1 and pleasure-seeking trouble4 ,eating and drinking have no pleasure1 unless there precede the pinching of hunger and thirst4 ,men1 given to drink1 eat certain salt meats1 to procure a troublesome heat1 which the drink allaying1 causes pleasure4 ,it is also ordered that the affianced bride should not at once be given1 lest as a husband he should hold cheap whom1 as betrothed1 he sighed not after4 ,this law holds in foul and accursed joy2 this in permitted and lawful joy2 this in the very purest perfection of friendship2 this1 in him who was dead1 and lived again2 had been lost and was found4 ,every where the greater joy is ushered in by the greater pain4 ,what means this1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 whereas ,thou art everlastingly joy to ,thyself1 and some things around ,thee evermore rejoice in ,thee8 ,what means this1 that this portion of things thus ebbs and flows alternately displeased and reconciled8 ,is this their allotted measure8 ,is this all ,thou hast assigned to them1 whereas from the highest heavens to the lowest earth1 from the beginning of the world to the end of ages1 from the angel to the worm1 from the first motion to the last1 ,thou settest each in its place1 and realisest each in their season1 every thing good after its kind8 ,woe is me6 how high art ,thou in the highest1 and how deep in the deepest6 and ,thou never departest1 and we scarcely return to ,thee4 ,up1 ,lord1 and do2 stir us up1 and recall us2 kindle and draw us2 inflame1 grow sweet unto us1 let us now love1 let us run4 ,do not many1 out of a deeper hell of blindness than ,victorinus1 return to ,thee1 approach1 and are enlightened1 receiving that ,light1 which they who receive1 receive power from ,thee to become ,thy sons8 ,but if they be less known to the nations1 even they that know them1 joy less for them4 ,for when many joy together1 each also has more exuberant joy for that they are kindled and inflamed one by the other4 ,again1 because those known to many1 influence the more towards salvation1 and lead the way with many to follow4 ,and therefore do they also who preceded them much rejoice in them1 because they rejoice not in them alone4 ,for far be it1 that in ,thy tabernacle the persons of the rich should be accepted before the poor1 or the noble before the ignoble2 seeing rather ,thou hast chosen the weak things of the world to confound the strong2 and the base things of this world1 and the things despised hast ,thou chosen1 and those things which are not1 that ,thou mightest bring to nought things that are4 ,and yet even that least of ,thy apostles1 by whose tongue ,thou soundedst forth these words1 when through his warfare1 ,paulus the ,proconsul1 his pride conquered1 was made to pass under the easy yoke of ,thy ,christ1 and became a provincial of the great ,king2 he also for his former name ,saul1 was pleased to be called ,paul1 in testimony of so great a victory4 ,for the enemy is more overcome in one1 of whom he hath more hold2 by whom he hath hold of more4 ,but the proud he hath more hold of1 through their nobility2 and by them1 of more through their authority4 ,by how much the more welcome then the heart of ,victorinus was esteemed1 which the devil had held as an impregnable possession1 the tongue of ,victorinus1 with which mighty and keen weapon he had slain many2 so much the more abundantly ought ,thy sons to rejoice1 for that our ,king hath bound the strong man1 and they saw his vessels taken from him and cleansed1 and made meet for ,thy honour2 and become serviceable for the ,lord1 unto every good work4 ,but when that man of ,thine1 ,simplicianus1 related to me this of ,victorinus1 ,i was on fire to imitate him2 for for this very end had he related it4 ,but when he had subjoined also1 how in the days of the ,emperor ,julian a law was made1 whereby ,christians were forbidden to teach the liberal sciences or oratory2 and how he1 obeying this law1 chose rather to give over the wordy school than ,thy ,word1 by which ,thou makest eloquent the tongues of the dumb2 he seemed to me not more resolute than blessed1 in having thus found opportunity to wait on ,thee only4 ,which thing ,i was sighing for1 bound as ,i was1 not with another's irons1 but by my own iron will4 ,my will the enemy held1 and thence had made a chain for me1 and bound me4 ,for of a forward will1 was a lust made2 and a lust served1 became custom2 and custom not resisted1 became necessity4 ,by which links1 as it were1 joined together 7whence ,i called it a chain7 a hard bondage held me enthralled4 ,but that new will which had begun to be in me1 freely to serve ,thee1 and to wish to enjoy ,thee1 ,o ,god1 the only assured pleasantness1 was not yet able to overcome my former wilfulness1 strengthened by age4 ,thus did my two wills1 one new1 and the other old1 one carnal1 the other spiritual1 struggle within me2 and by their discord1 undid my soul4 ,thus1 ,i understood1 by my own experience1 what ,i had read1 how the flesh lusteth against the spirit and the spirit against the flesh4 ,myself verily either way2 yet more myself1 in that which ,i approved in myself1 than in that which in myself ,i disapproved4 ,for in this last1 it was now for the more part not myself1 because in much ,i rather endured against my will1 than acted willingly4 ,and yet it was through me that custom had obtained this power of warring against me1 because ,i had come willingly1 whither ,i willed not4 ,and who has any right to speak against it1 if just punishment follow the sinner8 ,nor had ,i now any longer my former plea1 that ,i therefore as yet hesitated to be above the world and serve ,thee1 for that the truth was not altogether ascertained to me2 for now it too was4 ,but ,i still under service to the earth1 refused to fight under ,thy banner1 and feared as much to be freed of all incumbrances1 as we should fear to be encumbered with it4 ,thus with the baggage of this present world was ,i held down pleasantly1 as in sleep3 and the thoughts wherein ,i meditated on ,thee were like the efforts of such as would awake1 who yet overcome with a heavy drowsiness1 are again drenched therein4 ,and as no one would sleep for ever1 and in all men's sober judgment waking is better1 yet a man for the most part1 feeling a heavy lethargy in all his limbs1 defers to shake off sleep1 and though half displeased1 yet1 even after it is time to rise1 with pleasure yields to it1 so was ,i assured that much better were it for me to give myself up to ,thy charity1 than to give myself over to mine own cupidity2 but though the former course satisfied me and gained the mastery1 the latter pleased me and held me mastered4 ,nor had ,i any thing to answer ,thee calling to me1 ,awake1 thou that sleepest1 and arise from the dead1 and ,christ shall give thee light4 ,and when ,thou didst on all sides show me that what ,thou saidst was true1 ,i1 convicted by the truth1 had nothing at all to answer1 but only those dull and drowsy words1 ,anon1 anon1 presently1 leave me but a little4 ,but presently1 presently1 had no present1 and my little while went on for a long while2 in vain ,i delighted in ,thy law according to the inner man1 when another law in my members rebelled against the law of my mind1 and led me captive under the law of sin which was in my members4 ,for the law of sin is the violence of custom1 whereby the mind is drawn and holden1 even against its will2 but deservedly1 for that it willingly fell into it4 ,who then should deliver me thus wretched from the body of this death1 but ,thy grace only1 through ,jesus ,christ our ,lord8 ,and how ,thou didst deliver me out of the bonds of desire1 wherewith ,i was bound most straitly to carnal concupiscence1 and out of the drudgery of worldly things1 ,i will now declare1 and confess unto ,thy name1 ,o ,lord1 my helper and my redeemer4 ,amid increasing anxiety1 ,i was doing my wonted business1 and daily sighing unto ,thee4 ,i attended ,thy ,church1 whenever free from the business under the burden of which ,i groaned4 ,alypius was with me1 now after the third sitting released from his law business1 and awaiting to whom to sell his counsel1 as ,i sold the skill of speaking1 if indeed teaching can impart it4 ,nebridius had now1 in consideration of our friendship1 consented to teach under ,verecundus1 a citizen and a grammarian of ,milan1 and a very intimate friend of us all2 who urgently desired1 and by the right of friendship challenged from our company1 such faithful aid as he greatly needed4 ,nebridius then was not drawn to this by any desire of advantage 7for he might have made much more of his learning had he so willed71 but as a most kind and gentle friend1 he would not be wanting to a good office1 and slight our request4 ,but he acted herein very discreetly1 shunning to become known to personages great according to this world1 avoiding the distraction of mind thence ensuing1 and desiring to have it free and at leisure1 as many hours as might be1 to seek1 or read1 or hear something concerning wisdom4 ,upon a day then1 ,nebridius being absent 7,i recollect not why71 lo1 there came to see me and ,alypius1 one ,pontitianus1 our countryman so far as being an ,african1 in high office in the ,emperor's court4 ,what he would with us1 ,i know not1 but we sat down to converse1 and it happened that upon a table for some game1 before us1 he observed a book1 took1 opened it1 and contrary to his expectation1 found it the ,apostle ,paul2 for he thought it some of those books which ,i was wearing myself in teaching4 ,whereat smiling1 and looking at me1 he expressed his joy and wonder that he had on a sudden found this book1 and this only before my eyes4 ,for he was a ,christian1 and baptised1 and often bowed himself before ,thee our ,god in the ,church1 in frequent and continued prayers4 ,when then ,i had told him that ,i bestowed very great pains upon those ,scriptures1 a conversation arose 7suggested by his account7 on ,antony the ,egyptian monk3 whose name was in high reputation among ,thy servants1 though to that hour unknown to us4 ,which when he discovered1 he dwelt the more upon that subject1 informing and wondering at our ignorance of one so eminent4 ,but we stood amazed1 hearing ,thy wonderful works most fully attested1 in times so recent1 and almost in our own1 wrought in the true ,faith and ,church ,catholic4 ,we all wondered2 we1 that they were so great1 and he1 that they had not reached us4 ,thence his discourse turned to the flocks in the monasteries1 and their holy ways1 a sweet-smelling savour unto ,thee1 and the fruitful deserts of the wilderness1 whereof we knew nothing4 ,and there was a monastery at ,milan1 full of good brethren1 without the city walls1 under the fostering care of ,ambrose1 and we knew it not4 ,he went on with his discourse1 and we listened in intent silence4 ,he told us then how one afternoon at ,triers1 when the ,emperor was taken up with the ,circensian games1 he and three others1 his companions1 went out to walk in gardens near the city walls1 and there as they happened to walk in pairs1 one went apart with him1 and the other two wandered by themselves2 and these1 in their wanderings1 lighted upon a certain cottage1 inhabited by certain of ,thy servants1 poor in spirit1 of whom is the kingdom of heaven1 and there they found a little book containing the life of ,antony4 ,this one of them began to read1 admire1 and kindle at it2 and as he read1 to meditate on taking up such a life1 and giving over his secular service to serve ,thee4 ,and these two were of those whom they style agents for the public affairs4 ,then suddenly1 filled with a holy love1 and a sober shame1 in anger with himself cast his eyes upon his friend1 saying1 ,tell me1 ,i pray thee1 what would we attain by all these labours of ours8 what aim we at8 what serve we for8 ,can our hopes in court rise higher than to be the ,emperor's favourites8 and in this1 what is there not brittle1 and full of perils8 and by how many perils arrive we at a greater peril8 and when arrive we thither8 ,but a friend of ,god1 if ,i wish it1 ,i become now at once4 ,so spake he4 ,and in pain with the travail of a new life1 he turned his eyes again upon the book1 and read on1 and was changed inwardly1 where ,thou sawest1 and his mind was stripped of the world1 as soon appeared4 ,for as he read1 and rolled up and down the waves of his heart1 he stormed at himself a while1 then discerned1 and determined on a better course2 and now being ,thine1 said to his friend1 ,now have ,i broken loose from those our hopes1 and am resolved to serve ,god2 and this1 from this hour1 in this place1 ,i begin upon4 ,if thou likest not to imitate me1 oppose not4 ,the other answered1 he would cleave to him1 to partake so glorious a reward1 so glorious a service4 ,thus both being now ,thine1 were building the tower at the necessary cost1 the forsaking all that they had1 and following ,thee4 ,then ,pontitianus and the other with him1 that had walked in other parts of the garden1 came in search of them to the same place2 and finding them1 reminded them to return1 for the day was now far spent4 ,but they relating their resolution and purpose1 and how that will was begun and settled in them1 begged them1 if they would not join1 not to molest them4 ,but the others1 though nothing altered from their former selves1 did yet bewail themselves 7as he affirmed71 and piously congratulated them1 recommending themselves to their prayers2 and so1 with hearts lingering on the earth1 went away to the palace4 ,but the other two1 fixing their heart on heaven1 remained in the cottage4 ,and both had affianced brides1 who when they heard hereof1 also dedicated their virginity unto ,god4 ,such was the story of ,pontitianus2 but ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 while he was speaking1 didst turn me round towards myself1 taking me from behind my back where ,i had placed me1 unwilling to observe myself2 and setting me before my face1 that ,i might see how foul ,i was1 how crooked and defiled1 bespotted and ulcerous4 ,and ,i beheld and stood aghast2 and whither to flee from myself ,i found not4 ,and if ,i sought to turn mine eye from off myself1 he went on with his relation1 and ,thou again didst set me over against myself1 and thrustedst me before my eyes1 that ,i might find out mine iniquity1 and hate it4 ,i had known it1 but made as though ,i saw it not1 winked at it1 and forgot it4 ,but now1 the more ardently ,i loved those whose healthful affections ,i heard of1 that they had resigned themselves wholly to ,thee to be cured1 the more did ,i abhor myself1 when compared with them4 ,for many of my years 7some twelve7 had now run out with me since my nineteenth1 when1 upon the reading of ,cicero's ,hortensius1 ,i was stirred to an earnest love of wisdom2 and still ,i was deferring to reject mere earthly felicity1 and give myself to search out that1 whereof not the finding only1 but the very search1 was to be preferred to the treasures and kingdoms of the world1 though already found1 and to the pleasures of the body1 though spread around me at my will4 ,but ,i wretched1 most wretched1 in the very commencement of my early youth1 had begged chastity of ,thee1 and said1 ,give me chastity and continency1 only not yet4 ,for ,i feared lest ,thou shouldest hear me soon1 and soon cure me of the disease of concupiscence1 which ,i wished to have satisfied1 rather than extinguished4 ,and ,i had wandered through crooked ways in a sacrilegious superstition1 not indeed assured thereof1 but as preferring it to the others which ,i did not seek religiously1 but opposed maliciously4 ,and ,i had thought that ,i therefore deferred from day to day to reject the hopes of this world1 and follow ,thee only1 because there did not appear aught certain1 whither to direct my course4 ,and now was the day come wherein ,i was to be laid bare to myself1 and my conscience was to upbraid me4 ,where art thou now1 my tongue8 ,thou saidst that for an uncertain truth thou likedst not to cast off the baggage of vanity2 now1 it is certain1 and yet that burden still oppresseth thee1 while they who neither have so worn themselves out with seeking it1 nor for often years and more have been thinking thereon1 have had their shoulders lightened1 and received wings to fly away4 ,thus was ,i gnawed within1 and exceedingly confounded with a horrible shame1 while ,pontitianus was so speaking4 ,and he having brought to a close his tale and the business he came for1 went his way2 and ,i into myself4 ,what said ,i not against myself8 with what scourges of condemnation lashed ,i not my soul1 that it might follow me1 striving to go after ,thee6 ,yet it drew back2 refused1 but excused not itself4 ,all arguments were spent and confuted2 there remained a mute shrinking2 and she feared1 as she would death1 to be restrained from the flux of that custom1 whereby she was wasting to death4 ,then in this great contention of my inward dwelling1 which ,i had strongly raised against my soul1 in the chamber of my heart1 troubled in mind and countenance1 ,i turned upon ,alypius4 ,what ails us8 ,i exclaim3 what is it8 what heardest thou8 ,the unlearned start up and take heaven by force1 and we with our learning1 and without heart1 lo1 where we wallow in flesh and blood6 ,are we ashamed to follow1 because others are gone before1 and not ashamed not even to follow8 ,some such words ,i uttered1 and my fever of mind tore me away from him1 while he1 gazing on me in astonishment1 kept silence4 ,for it was not my wonted tone2 and my forehead1 cheeks1 eyes1 colour1 tone of voice1 spake my mind more than the words ,i uttered4 ,a little garden there was to our lodging1 which we had the use of1 as of the whole house2 for the master of the house1 our host1 was not living there4 ,thither had the tumult of my breast hurried me1 where no man might hinder the hot contention wherein ,i had engaged with myself1 until it should end as ,thou knewest1 ,i knew not4 ,only ,i was healthfully distracted and dying1 to live2 knowing what evil thing ,i was1 and not knowing what good thing ,i was shortly to become4 ,i retired then into the garden1 and ,alypius1 on my steps4 ,for his presence did not lessen my privacy2 or how could he forsake me so disturbed8 ,we sate down as far removed as might be from the house4 ,i was troubled in spirit1 most vehemently indignant that ,i entered not into ,thy will and covenant1 ,o my ,god1 which all my bones cried out unto me to enter1 and praised it to the skies4 ,and therein we enter not by ships1 or chariots1 or feet1 no1 move not so far as ,i had come from the house to that place where we were sitting4 ,for1 not to go only1 but to go in thither was nothing else but to will to go1 but to will resolutely and thoroughly2 not to turn and toss1 this way and that1 a maimed and half-divided will1 struggling1 with one part sinking as another rose4 ,lastly1 in the very fever of my irresoluteness1 ,i made with my body many such motions as men sometimes would1 but cannot1 if either they have not the limbs1 or these be bound with bands1 weakened with infirmity1 or any other way hindered4 ,thus1 if ,i tore my hair1 beat my forehead1 if locking my fingers ,i clasped my knee2 ,i willed1 ,i did it4 ,but ,i might have willed1 and not done it2 if the power of motion in my limbs had not obeyed4 ,so many things then ,i did1 when to will was not in itself to be able2 and ,i did not what both ,i longed incomparably more to do1 and which soon after1 when ,i should will1 ,i should be able to do2 because soon after1 when ,i should will1 ,i should will thoroughly4 ,for in these things the ability was one with the will1 and to will was to do2 and yet was it not done3 and more easily did my body obey the weakest willing of my soul1 in moving its limbs at its nod1 than the soul obeyed itself to accomplish in the will alone this its momentous will4 ,whence is this monstrousness8 and to what end8 ,let ,thy mercy gleam that ,i may ask1 if so be the secret penalties of men1 and those darkest pangs of the sons of ,adam1 may perhaps answer me4 ,whence is this monstrousness8 and to what end8 ,the mind commands the body1 and it obeys instantly2 the mind commands itself1 and is resisted4 ,the mind commands the hand to be moved2 and such readiness is there1 that command is scarce distinct from obedience4 ,yet the mind is mind1 the hand is body4 ,the mind commands the mind1 its own self1 to will1 and yet it doth not4 ,whence this monstrousness8 and to what end8 ,it commands itself1 ,i say1 to will1 and would not command1 unless it willed1 and what it commands is not done4 ,but it willeth not entirely3 therefore doth it not command entirely4 ,for so far forth it commandeth1 as it willeth3 and1 so far forth is the thing commanded1 not done1 as it willeth not4 ,for the will commandeth that there be a will2 not another1 but itself4 ,but it doth not command entirely1 therefore what it commandeth1 is not4 ,for were the will entire1 it would not even command it to be1 because it would already be4 ,it is therefore no monstrousness partly to will1 partly to nill1 but a disease of the mind1 that it doth not wholly rise1 by truth upborne1 borne down by custom4 ,and therefore are there two wills1 for that one of them is not entire3 and what the one lacketh1 the other hath4 ,let them perish from ,thy presence1 ,o ,god1 as perish vain talkers and seducers of the soul3 who observing that in deliberating there were two wills1 affirm that there are two minds in us of two kinds1 one good1 the other evil4 ,themselves are truly evil1 when they hold these evil things2 and themselves shall become good when they hold the truth and assent unto the truth1 that ,thy ,apostle may say to them1 ,ye were sometimes darkness1 but now light in the ,lord4 ,but they1 wishing to be light1 not in the ,lord1 but in themselves1 imagining the nature of the soul to be that which ,god is1 are made more gross darkness through a dreadful arrogancy2 for that they went back farther from ,thee1 the true ,light that enlightened every man that cometh into the world4 ,take heed what you say1 and blush for shame3 draw near unto ,him and be enlightened1 and your faces shall not be ashamed4 ,myself when ,i was deliberating upon serving the ,lord my ,god now1 as ,i had long purposed1 it was ,i who willed1 ,i who nilled1 ,i1 ,i myself4 ,i neither willed entirely1 nor nilled entirely4 ,therefore was ,i at strife with myself1 and rent asunder by myself4 ,and this rent befell me against my will1 and yet indicated1 not the presence of another mind1 but the punishment of my own4 ,therefore it was no more ,i that wrought it1 but sin that dwelt in me2 the punishment of a sin more freely committed1 in that ,i was a son of ,adam4 ,for if there be so many contrary natures as there be conflicting wills1 there shall now be not two only1 but many4 ,if a man deliberate whether he should go to their conventicle or to the theatre1 these ,manichees cry out1 ,behold1 here are two natures3 one good1 draws this way2 another bad1 draws back that way4 ,for whence else is this hesitation between conflicting wills8 ,but ,i say that both be bad3 that which draws to them1 as that which draws back to the theatre4 ,but they believe not that will to be other than good1 which draws to them4 ,what then if one of us should deliberate1 and amid the strife of his two wills be in a strait1 whether he should go to the theatre or to our church8 would not these ,manichees also be in a strait what to answer8 ,for either they must confess 7which they fain would not7 that the will which leads to our church is good1 as well as theirs1 who have received and are held by the mysteries of theirs3 or they must suppose two evil natures1 and two evil souls conflicting in one man1 and it will not be true1 which they say1 that there is one good and another bad2 or they must be converted to the truth1 and no more deny that where one deliberates1 one soul fluctuates between contrary wills4 ,let them no more say then1 when they perceive two conflicting wills in one man1 that the conflict is between two contrary souls1 of two contrary substances1 from two contrary principles1 one good1 and the other bad4 ,for ,thou1 ,o true ,god1 dost disprove1 check1 and convict them2 as when1 both wills being bad1 one deliberates whether he should kill a man by poison or by the sword2 whether he should seize this or that estate of another's1 when he cannot both2 whether he should purchase pleasure by luxury1 or keep his money by covetousness2 whether he go to the circus or the theatre1 if both be open on one day2 or thirdly1 to rob another's house1 if he have the opportunity2 or1 fourthly1 to commit adultery1 if at the same time he have the means thereof also2 all these meeting together in the same juncture of time1 and all being equally desired1 which cannot at one time be acted3 for they rend the mind amid four1 or even 7amid the vast variety of things desired7 more1 conflicting wills1 nor do they yet allege that there are so many divers substances4 ,so also in wills which are good4 ,for ,i ask them1 is it good to take pleasure in reading the ,apostle8 or good to take pleasure in a sober ,psalm8 or good to discourse on the ,gospel8 ,they will answer to each1 it is good4 ,what then if all give equal pleasure1 and all at once8 ,do not divers wills distract the mind1 while he deliberates which he should rather choose8 yet are they all good1 and are at variance till one be chosen1 whither the one entire will may be borne1 which before was divided into many4 ,thus also1 when1 above1 eternity delights us1 and the pleasure of temporal good holds us down below1 it is the same soul which willeth not this or that with an entire will2 and therefore is rent asunder with grievous perplexities1 while out of truth it sets this first1 but out of habit sets not that aside4 ,thus soul-sick was ,i1 and tormented1 accusing myself much more severely than my wont1 rolling and turning me in my chain1 till that were wholly broken1 whereby ,i now was but just1 but still was1 held4 ,and ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 pressedst upon me in my inward parts by a severe mercy1 redoubling the lashes of fear and shame1 lest ,i should again give way1 and not bursting that same slight remaining tie1 it should recover strength1 and bind me the faster4 ,for ,i said with myself1 ,be it done now1 be it done now4 ,and as ,i spake1 ,i all but enacted it3 ,i all but did it1 and did it not3 yet sunk not back to my former state1 but kept my stand hard by1 and took breath4 ,and ,i essayed again1 and wanted somewhat less of it1 and somewhat less1 and all but touched1 and laid hold of it2 and yet came not at it1 nor touched nor laid hold of it2 hesitating to die to death and to live to life3 and the worse whereto ,i was inured1 prevailed more with me than the better whereto ,i was unused3 and the very moment wherein ,i was to become other than ,i was1 the nearer it approached me1 the greater horror did it strike into me2 yet did it not strike me back1 nor turned me away1 but held me in suspense4 ,the very toys of toys1 and vanities of vanities1 my ancient mistresses1 still held me2 they plucked my fleshy garment1 and whispered softly1 ,dost thou cast us off8 and from that moment shall we no more be with thee for ever8 and from that moment shall not this or that be lawful for thee for ever8 ,and what was it which they suggested in that ,i said1 this or that1 what did they suggest1 ,o my ,god8 ,let ,thy mercy turn it away from the soul of ,thy servant4 ,what defilements did they suggest6 what shame6 ,and now ,i much less than half heard them1 and not openly showing themselves and contradicting me1 but muttering as it were behind my back1 and privily plucking me1 as ,i was departing1 but to look back on them4 ,yet they did retard me1 so that ,i hesitated to burst and shake myself free from them1 and to spring over whither ,i was called2 a violent habit saying to me1 ,thinkest thou1 thou canst live without them8 ,but now it spake very faintly4 ,for on that side whither ,i had set my face1 and whither ,i trembled to go1 there appeared unto me the chaste dignity of ,continency1 serene1 yet not relaxedly1 gay1 honestly alluring me to come and doubt not2 and stretching forth to receive and embrace me1 her holy hands full of multitudes of good examples3 there were so many young men and maidens here1 a multitude of youth and every age1 grave widows and aged virgins2 and ,continence herself in all1 not barren1 but a fruitful mother of children of joys1 by ,thee her ,husband1 ,o ,lord4 ,and she smiled on me with a persuasive mockery1 as would she say1 ,canst not thou what these youths1 what these maidens can8 or can they either in themselves1 and not rather in the ,lord their ,god8 ,the ,lord their ,god gave me unto them4 ,why standest thou in thyself1 and so standest not8 cast thyself upon ,him1 fear not ,he will not withdraw ,himself that thou shouldest fall2 cast thyself fearlessly upon ,him1 ,he will receive1 and will heal thee4 ,and ,i blushed exceedingly1 for that ,i yet heard the muttering of those toys1 and hung in suspense4 ,and she again seemed to say1 ,stop thine ears against those thy unclean members on the earth1 that they may be mortified4 ,they tell thee of delights1 but not as doth the law of the ,lord thy ,god4 ,this controversy in my heart was self against self only4 ,but ,alypius sitting close by my side1 in silence waited the issue of my unwonted emotion4 ,but when a deep consideration had from the secret bottom of my soul drawn together and heaped up all my misery in the sight of my heart2 there arose a mighty storm1 bringing a mighty shower of tears4 ,which that ,i might pour forth wholly1 in its natural expressions1 ,i rose from ,alypius3 solitude was suggested to me as fitter for the business of weeping2 so ,i retired so far that even his presence could not be a burden to me4 ,thus was it then with me1 and he perceived something of it2 for something ,i suppose ,i had spoken1 wherein the tones of my voice appeared choked with weeping1 and so had risen up4 ,he then remained where we were sitting1 most extremely astonished4 ,i cast myself down ,i know not how1 under a certain fig-tree1 giving full vent to my tears2 and the floods of mine eyes gushed out an acceptable sacrifice to ,thee4 ,and1 not indeed in these words1 yet to this purpose1 spake ,i much unto ,thee3 and ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 how long8 how long1 ,lord1 wilt ,thou be angry for ever8 ,remember not our former iniquities1 for ,i felt that ,i was held by them4 ,i sent up these sorrowful words3 ,how long1 how long1 tomorrow1 and tomorrow8 ,why not now8 why not is there this hour an end to my uncleanness8 ,so was ,i speaking and weeping in the most bitter contrition of my heart1 when1 lo6 ,i heard from a neighbouring house a voice1 as of boy or girl1 ,i know not1 chanting1 and oft repeating1 ,take up and read2 ,take up and read4 ,instantly1 my countenance altered1 ,i began to think most intently whether children were wont in any kind of play to sing such words3 nor could ,i remember ever to have heard the like4 ,so checking the torrent of my tears1 ,i arose2 interpreting it to be no other than a command from ,god to open the book1 and read the first chapter ,i should find4 ,for ,i had heard of ,antony1 that coming in during the reading of the ,gospel1 he received the admonition1 as if what was being read was spoken to him3 ,go1 sell all that thou hast1 and give to the poor1 and thou shalt have treasure in heaven1 and come and follow me3 and by such oracle he was forthwith converted unto ,thee4 ,eagerly then ,i returned to the place where ,alypius was sitting2 for there had ,i laid the volume of the ,apostle when ,i arose thence4 ,i seized1 opened1 and in silence read that section on which my eyes first fell3 ,not in rioting and drunkenness1 not in chambering and wantonness1 not in strife and envying2 but put ye on the ,lord ,jesus ,christ1 and make not provision for the flesh1 in concupiscence4 ,no further would ,i read2 nor needed ,i3 for instantly at the end of this sentence1 by a light as it were of serenity infused into my heart1 all the darkness of doubt vanished away4 ,then putting my finger between1 or some other mark1 ,i shut the volume1 and with a calmed countenance made it known to ,alypius4 ,and what was wrought in him1 which ,i knew not1 he thus showed me4 ,he asked to see what ,i had read3 ,i showed him2 and he looked even further than ,i had read1 and ,i knew not what followed4 ,this followed1 him that is weak in the faith1 receive2 which he applied to himself1 and disclosed to me4 ,and by this admonition was he strengthened2 and by a good resolution and purpose1 and most corresponding to his character1 wherein he did always very far differ from me1 for the better1 without any turbulent delay he joined me4 ,thence we go in to my mother2 we tell her2 she rejoiceth3 we relate in order how it took place2 she leaps for joy1 and triumpheth1 and blesseth ,thee1 ,who are able to do above that which we ask or think2 for she perceived that ,thou hadst given her more for me1 than she was wont to beg by her pitiful and most sorrowful groanings4 ,for thou convertedst me unto ,thyself1 so that ,i sought neither wife1 nor any hope of this world1 standing in that rule of faith1 where ,thou hadst showed me unto her in a vision1 so many years before4 ,and ,thou didst convert her mourning into joy1 much more plentiful than she had desired1 and in a much more precious and purer way than she erst required1 by having grandchildren of my body4 ,,book ,,ix ,o ,lord1 ,i am ,thy servant2 ,i am ,thy servant1 and the son of ,thy handmaid3 ,thou hast broken my bonds in sunder4 ,i will offer to ,thee the sacrifice of praise4 ,let my heart and my tongue praise ,thee2 yea1 let all my bones say1 ,o ,lord1 who is like unto ,thee8 ,let them say1 and answer ,thou me1 and say unto my soul1 ,i am thy salvation4 ,who am ,i1 and what am ,i8 ,what evil have not been either my deeds1 or if not my deeds1 my words1 or if not my words1 my will8 ,but ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 are good and merciful1 and ,thy right hand had respect unto the depth of my death1 and from the bottom of my heart emptied that abyss of corruption4 ,and this ,thy whole gift was1 to nill what ,i willed1 and to will what ,thou willedst4 ,but where through all those years1 and out of what low and deep recess was my free-will called forth in a moment1 whereby to submit my neck to ,thy easy yoke1 and my shoulders unto ,thy light burden1 ,o ,christ ,jesus1 my ,helper and my ,redeemer8 ,how sweet did it at once become to me1 to want the sweetnesses of those toys6 and what ,i feared to be parted from1 was now a joy to part with4 ,for ,thou didst cast them forth from me1 ,thou true and highest sweetness4 ,thou castest them forth1 and for them enteredst in ,thyself1 sweeter than all pleasure1 though not to flesh and blood2 brighter than all light1 but more hidden than all depths1 higher than all honour1 but not to the high in their own conceits4 ,now was my soul free from the biting cares of canvassing and getting1 and weltering in filth1 and scratching off the itch of lust4 ,and my infant tongue spake freely to ,thee1 my brightness1 and my riches1 and my health1 the ,lord my ,god4 ,and ,i resolved in ,thy sight1 not tumultuously to tear1 but gently to withdraw1 the service of my tongue from the marts of lip-labour3 that the young1 no students in ,thy law1 nor in ,thy peace1 but in lying dotages and law-skirmishes1 should no longer buy at my mouth arms for their madness4 ,and very seasonably1 it now wanted but very few days unto the ,vacation of the ,vintage1 and ,i resolved to endure them1 then in a regular way to take my leave1 and having been purchased by ,thee1 no more to return for sale4 ,our purpose then was known to ,thee2 but to men1 other than our own friends1 was it not known4 ,for we had agreed among ourselves not to let it out abroad to any3 although to us1 now ascending from the valley of tears1 and singing that song of degrees1 ,thou hadst given sharp arrows1 and destroying coals against the subtle tongue1 which as though advising for us1 would thwart1 and would out of love devour us1 as it doth its meat4 ,thou hadst pierced our hearts with ,thy charity1 and we carried ,thy words as it were fixed in our entrails3 and the examples of ,thy servants1 whom for black ,thou hadst made bright1 and for dead1 alive1 being piled together in the receptacle of our thoughts1 kindled and burned up that our heavy torpor1 that we should not sink down to the abyss2 and they fired us so vehemently1 that all the blasts of subtle tongues from gainsayers might only inflame us the more fiercely1 not extinguish us4 ,nevertheless1 because for ,thy ,name's sake which ,thou hast hallowed throughout the earth1 this our vow and purpose might also find some to commend it1 it seemed like ostentation not to wait for the vacation now so near1 but to quit beforehand a public profession1 which was before the eyes of all2 so that all looking on this act of mine1 and observing how near was the time of vintage which ,i wished to anticipate1 would talk much of me1 as if ,i had desired to appear some great one4 ,and what end had it served me1 that people should repute and dispute upon my purpose1 and that our good should be evil spoken of4 ,moreover1 it had at first troubled me that in this very summer my lungs began to give way1 amid too great literary labour1 and to breathe deeply with difficulty1 and by the pain in my chest to show that they were injured1 and to refuse any full or lengthened speaking2 this had troubled me1 for it almost constrained me of necessity to lay down that burden of teaching1 or1 if ,i could be cured and recover1 at least to intermit it4 ,but when the full wish for leisure1 that ,i might see how that ,thou art the ,lord1 arose1 and was fixed1 in me2 my ,god1 ,thou knowest1 ,i began even to rejoice that ,i had this secondary1 and that no feigned1 excuse1 which might something moderate the offence taken by those who1 for their sons' sake1 wished me never to have the freedom of ,thy sons4 ,full then of such joy1 ,i endured till that interval of time were run2 it may have been some twenty days1 yet they were endured manfully2 endured1 for the covetousness which aforetime bore a part of this heavy business1 had left me1 and ,i remained alone1 and had been overwhelmed1 had not patience taken its place4 ,perchance1 some of ,thy servants1 my brethren1 may say that ,i sinned in this1 that with a heart fully set on ,thy service1 ,i suffered myself to sit even one hour in the chair of lies4 ,nor would ,i be contentious4 ,but hast not ,thou1 ,o most merciful ,lord1 pardoned and remitted this sin also1 with my other most horrible and deadly sins1 in the holy water8 ,verecundus was worn down with care about this our blessedness1 for that being held back by bonds1 whereby he was most straitly bound1 he saw that he should be severed from us4 ,for himself was not yet a ,christian1 his wife one of the faithful2 and yet hereby1 more rigidly than by any other chain1 was he let and hindered from the journey which we had now essayed4 ,for he would not1 he said1 be a ,christian on any other terms than on those he could not4 ,however1 he offered us courteously to remain at his country-house so long as we should stay there4 ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 shalt reward him in the resurrection of the just1 seeing ,thou hast already given him the lot of the righteous4 ,for although1 in our absence1 being now at ,rome1 he was seized with bodily sickness1 and therein being made a ,christian1 and one of the faithful1 he departed this life2 yet hadst ,thou mercy not on him only1 but on us also3 lest remembering the exceeding kindness of our friend towards us1 yet unable to number him among ,thy flock1 we should be agonised with intolerable sorrow4 ,thanks unto ,thee1 our ,god1 we are ,thine3 ,thy suggestions and consolations tell us1 ,faithful in promises1 ,thou now requitest ,verecundus for his country-house of ,cassiacum1 where from the fever of the world we reposed in ,thee1 with the eternal freshness of ,thy ,paradise3 for that ,thou hast forgiven him his sins upon earth1 in that rich mountain1 that mountain which yieldeth milk1 ,thine own mountain4 ,he then had at that time sorrow1 but ,nebridius joy4 ,for although he also1 not being yet a ,christian1 had fallen into the pit of that most pernicious error1 believing the flesh of ,thy ,son to be a phantom3 yet emerging thence1 he believed as we did2 not as yet endued with any ,sacraments of ,thy ,church1 but a most ardent searcher out of truth4 ,whom1 not long after our conversion and regeneration by ,thy ,baptism1 being also a faithful member of the ,church ,catholic1 and serving ,thee in perfect chastity and continence amongst his people in ,africa1 his whole house having through him first been made ,christian1 didst ,thou release from the flesh2 and now he lives in ,abraham's bosom4 ,whatever that be1 which is signified by that bosom1 there lives my ,nebridius1 my sweet friend1 and ,thy child1 ,o ,lord1 adopted of a freed man3 there he liveth4 ,for what other place is there for such a soul8 ,there he liveth1 whereof he asked much of me1 a poor inexperienced man4 ,now lays he not his ear to my mouth1 but his spiritual mouth unto ,thy fountain1 and drinketh as much as he can receive1 wisdom in proportion to his thirst1 endlessly happy4 ,nor do ,i think that he is so inebriated therewith1 as to forget me2 seeing ,thou1 ,lord1 ,whom he drinketh1 art mindful of us4 ,so were we then1 comforting ,verecundus1 who sorrowed1 as far as friendship permitted1 that our conversion was of such sort2 and exhorting him to become faithful1 according to his measure1 namely1 of a married estate2 and awaiting ,nebridius to follow us1 which1 being so near1 he was all but doing3 and so1 lo6 those days rolled by at length2 for long and many they seemed1 for the love ,i bare to the easeful liberty1 that ,i might sing to ,thee1 from my inmost marrow1 ,my heart hath said unto ,thee1 ,i have sought ,thy face3 ,thy face1 ,lord1 will ,i seek4 ,now was the day come wherein ,i was in deed to be freed of my ,rhetoric ,professorship1 whereof in thought ,i was already freed4 ,and it was done4 ,thou didst rescue my tongue1 whence ,thou hadst before rescued my heart4 ,and ,i blessed ,thee1 rejoicing2 retiring with all mine to the villa4 ,what ,i there did in writing1 which was now enlisted in ,thy service1 though still1 in this breathing-time as it were1 panting from the school of pride1 my books may witness1 as well what ,i debated with others1 as what with myself alone1 before ,thee3 what with ,nebridius1 who was absent1 my ,epistles bear witness4 ,and when shall ,i have time to rehearse all ,thy great benefits towards us at that time1 especially when hasting on to yet greater mercies8 ,for my remembrance recalls me1 and pleasant is it to me1 ,o ,lord1 to confess to ,thee1 by what inward goads ,thou tamedst me2 and how ,thou hast evened me1 lowering the mountains and hills of my high imaginations1 straightening my crookedness1 and smoothing my rough ways2 and how ,thou also subduedst the brother of my heart1 ,alypius1 unto the name of ,thy ,only ,begotten1 our ,lord and ,saviour ,jesus ,christ1 which he would not at first vouchsafe to have inserted in our writings4 ,for rather would he have them savour of the lofty cedars of the ,schools1 which the ,lord hath now broken down1 than of the wholesome herbs of the ,church1 the antidote against serpents4 ,oh1 in what accents spake ,i unto ,thee1 my ,god1 when ,i read the ,psalms of ,david1 those faithful songs1 and sounds of devotion1 which allow of no swelling spirit1 as yet a ,catechumen1 and a novice in ,thy real love1 resting in that villa1 with ,alypius a ,catechumen1 my mother cleaving to us1 in female garb with masculine faith1 with the tranquillity of age1 motherly love1 ,christian piety6 ,oh1 what accents did ,i utter unto ,thee in those ,psalms1 and how was ,i by them kindled towards ,thee1 and on fire to rehearse them1 if possible1 through the whole world1 against the pride of mankind6 ,and yet they are sung through the whole world1 nor can any hide himself from ,thy heat4 ,with what vehement and bitter sorrow was ,i angered at the ,manichees6 and again ,i pitied them1 for they knew not those ,sacraments1 those medicines1 and were mad against the antidote which might have recovered them of their madness4 ,how ,i would they had then been somewhere near me1 and without my knowing that they were there1 could have beheld my countenance1 and heard my words1 when ,i read the fourth ,psalm in that time of my rest1 and how that ,psalm wrought upon me3 ,when ,i called1 the ,god of my righteousness heard me2 in tribulation ,thou enlargedst me4 ,have mercy upon me1 ,o ,lord1 and hear my prayer4 ,would that what ,i uttered on these words1 they could hear1 without my knowing whether they heard1 lest they should think ,i spake it for their sakes6 ,because in truth neither should ,i speak the same things1 nor in the same way1 if ,i perceived that they heard and saw me2 nor if ,i spake them would they so receive them1 as when ,i spake by and for myself before ,thee1 out of the natural feelings of my soul4 ,i trembled for fear1 and again kindled with hope1 and with rejoicing in ,thy mercy1 ,o ,father2 and all issued forth both by mine eyes and voice1 when ,thy good ,spirit turning unto us1 said1 ,o ye sons of men1 how long slow of heart8 why do ye love vanity1 and seek after leasing8 ,for ,i had loved vanity1 and sought after leasing4 ,and ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 hadst already magnified ,thy ,holy ,one1 raising ,him from the dead1 and setting ,him at ,thy right hand1 whence from on high ,he should send ,his promise1 the ,comforter1 the ,spirit of truth4 ,and ,he had already sent ,him1 but ,i knew it not2 ,he had sent ,him1 because ,he was now magnified1 rising again from the dead1 and ascending into heaven4 ,for till then1 the ,spirit was not yet given1 because ,jesus was not yet glorified4 ,and the prophet cries out1 ,how long1 slow of heart8 why do ye love vanity1 and seek after leasing8 ,know this1 that the ,lord hath magnified ,his ,holy ,one4 ,he cries out1 ,how long8 ,he cries out1 ,know this3 and ,i so long1 not knowing1 loved vanity1 and sought after leasing3 and therefore ,i heard and trembled1 because it was spoken unto such as ,i remembered myself to have been4 ,for in those phantoms which ,i had held for truths1 was there vanity and leasing2 and ,i spake aloud many things earnestly and forcibly1 in the bitterness of my remembrance4 ,which would they had heard1 who yet love vanity and seek after leasing6 ,they would perchance have been troubled1 and have vomited it up2 and ,thou wouldest hear them when they cried unto ,thee2 for by a true death in the flesh did ,he die for us1 who now intercedeth unto ,thee for us4 ,i further read1 ,be angry1 and sin not4 ,and how was ,i moved1 ,o my ,god1 who had now learned to be angry at myself for things past1 that ,i might not sin in time to come6 ,yea1 to be justly angry2 for that it was not another nature of a people of darkness which sinned for me1 as they say who are not angry at themselves1 and treasure up wrath against the day of wrath1 and of the revelation of ,thy just judgment4 ,nor were my good things now without1 nor sought with the eyes of flesh in that earthly sun2 for they that would have joy from without soon become vain1 and waste themselves on the things seen and temporal1 and in their famished thoughts do lick their very shadows4 ,oh that they were wearied out with their famine1 and said1 ,who will show us good things8 ,and we would say1 and they hear1 ,the light of ,thy countenance is sealed upon us4 ,for we are not that light which enlighteneth every man1 but we are enlightened by ,thee2 that having been sometimes darkness1 we may be light in ,thee4 ,oh that they could see the eternal ,internal1 which having tasted1 ,i was grieved that ,i could not show ,it them1 so long as they brought me their heart in their eyes roving abroad from ,thee1 while they said1 ,who will show us good things8 ,for there1 where ,i was angry within myself in my chamber1 where ,i was inwardly pricked1 where ,i had sacrificed1 slaying my old man and commencing the purpose of a new life1 putting my trust in ,thee1--there hadst ,thou begun to grow sweet unto me1 and hadst put gladness in my heart4 ,and ,i cried out1 as ,i read this outwardly1 finding it inwardly4 ,nor would ,i be multiplied with worldly goods2 wasting away time1 and wasted by time2 whereas ,i had in ,thy eternal ,simple ,essence other corn1 and wine1 and oil4 ,and with a loud cry of my heart ,i cried out in the next verse1 ,o in peace1 ,o for ,the ,self-same6 ,o what said he1 ,i will lay me down and sleep1 for who shall hinder us1 when cometh to pass that saying which is written1 ,death is swallowed up in victory8 ,and ,thou surpassingly art the ,self-same1 ,who art not changed2 and in ,thee is rest which forgetteth all toil1 for there is none other with ,thee1 nor are we to seek those many other things1 which are not what ,thou art3 but ,thou1 ,lord1 alone hast made me dwell in hope4 ,i read1 and kindled2 nor found ,i what to do to those deaf and dead1 of whom myself had been1 a pestilent person1 a bitter and a blind bawler against those writings1 which are honied with the honey of heaven1 and lightsome with ,thine own light3 and ,i was consumed with zeal at the enemies of this ,scripture4 ,when shall ,i recall all which passed in those holy-days8 ,yet neither have ,i forgotten1 nor will ,i pass over the severity of ,thy scourge1 and the wonderful swiftness of ,thy mercy4 ,thou didst then torment me with pain in my teeth2 which when it had come to such height that ,i could not speak1 it came into my heart to desire all my friends present to pray for me to ,thee1 the ,god of all manner of health4 ,and this ,i wrote on wax1 and gave it them to read4 ,presently so soon as with humble devotion we had bowed our knees1 that pain went away4 ,but what pain8 or how went it away8 ,i was affrighted1 ,o my ,lord1 my ,god2 for from infancy ,i had never experienced the like4 ,and the power of ,thy ,nod was deeply conveyed to me1 and rejoicing in faith1 ,i praised ,thy ,name4 ,and that faith suffered me not to be at ease about my past sins1 which were not yet forgiven me by ,thy baptism4 ,the vintage-vacation ended1 ,i gave notice to the ,milanese to provide their scholars with another master to sell words to them2 for that ,i had both made choice to serve ,thee1 and through my difficulty of breathing and pain in my chest was not equal to the ,professorship4 ,and by letters ,i signified to ,thy ,prelate1 the holy man ,ambrose1 my former errors and present desires1 begging his advice what of ,thy ,scriptures ,i had best read1 to become readier and fitter for receiving so great grace4 ,he recommended ,isaiah the ,prophet3 ,i believe1 because he above the rest is a more clear foreshower of the ,gospel and of the calling of the ,gentiles4 ,but ,i1 not understanding the first lesson in him1 and imagining the whole to be like it1 laid it by1 to be resumed when better practised in our ,lord's own words4 ,thence1 when the time was come wherein ,i was to give in my name1 we left the country and returned to ,milan4 ,it pleased ,alypius also to be with me born again in ,thee1 being already clothed with the humility befitting ,thy ,sacraments2 and a most valiant tamer of the body1 so as1 with unwonted venture1 to wear the frozen ground of ,italy with his bare feet4 ,we joined with us the boy ,adeodatus1 born after the flesh1 of my sin4 ,excellently hadst ,thou made him4 ,he was not quite fifteen1 and in wit surpassed many grave and learned men4 ,i confess unto ,thee ,thy gifts1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 ,creator of all1 and abundantly able to reform our deformities3 for ,i had no part in that boy1 but the sin4 ,for that we brought him up in ,thy discipline1 it was ,thou1 none else1 had inspired us with it4 ,i confess unto ,thee ,thy gifts4 ,there is a book of ours entitled ,the ,master2 it is a dialogue between him and me4 ,thou knowest that all there ascribed to the person conversing with me were his ideas1 in his sixteenth year4 ,much besides1 and yet more admirable1 ,i found in him4 ,that talent struck awe into me4 ,and who but ,thou could be the workmaster of such wonders8 ,soon didst ,thou take his life from the earth3 and ,i now remember him without anxiety1 fearing nothing for his childhood or youth1 or his whole self4 ,him we joined with us1 our contemporary in grace1 to be brought up in ,thy discipline3 and we were baptised1 and anxiety for our past life vanished from us4 ,nor was ,i sated in those days with the wondrous sweetness of considering the depth of ,thy counsels concerning the salvation of mankind4 ,how did ,i weep1 in ,thy ,hymns and ,canticles1 touched to the quick by the voices of ,thy sweet-attuned ,church6 ,the voices flowed into mine ears1 and the ,truth distilled into my heart1 whence the affections of my devotion overflowed1 and tears ran down1 and happy was ,i therein4 ,not long had the ,church of ,milan begun to use this kind of consolation and exhortation1 the brethren zealously joining with harmony of voice and hearts4 ,for it was a year1 or not much more1 that ,justina1 mother to the ,emperor ,valentinian1 a child1 persecuted ,thy servant ,ambrose1 in favour of her heresy1 to which she was seduced by the ,arians4 ,the devout people kept watch in the ,church1 ready to die with their ,bishop ,thy servant4 ,there my mother ,thy handmaid1 bearing a chief part of those anxieties and watchings1 lived for prayer4 ,we1 yet unwarmed by the heat of ,thy ,spirit1 still were stirred up by the sight of the amazed and disquieted city4 ,then it was first instituted that after the manner of the ,eastern ,churches1 ,hymns and ,psalms should be sung1 lest the people should wax faint through the tediousness of sorrow3 and from that day to this the custom is retained1 divers 7yea1 almost all7 ,thy congregations1 throughout other parts of the world following herein4 ,then didst ,thou by a vision discover to ,thy forenamed ,bishop where the bodies of ,gervasius and ,protasius the martyrs lay hid 7whom ,thou hadst in ,thy secret treasury stored uncorrupted so many years71 whence ,thou mightest seasonably produce them to repress the fury of a woman1 but an ,empress4 ,for when they were discovered and dug up1 and with due honour translated to the ,ambrosian ,basilica1 not only they who were vexed with unclean spirits 7the devils confessing themselves7 were cured1 but a certain man who had for many years been blind1 a citizen1 and well known to the city1 asking and hearing the reason of the people's confused joy1 sprang forth desiring his guide to lead him thither4 ,led thither1 he begged to be allowed to touch with his handkerchief the bier of ,thy saints1 whose death is precious in ,thy sight4 ,which when he had done1 and put to his eyes1 they were forthwith opened4 ,thence did the fame spread1 thence ,thy praises glowed1 shone2 thence the mind of that enemy1 though not turned to the soundness of believing1 was yet turned back from her fury of persecuting4 ,thanks to ,thee1 ,o my ,god4 ,whence and whither hast ,thou thus led my remembrance1 that ,i should confess these things also unto ,thee8 which great though they be1 ,i had passed by in forgetfulness4 ,and yet then1 when the odour of ,thy ointments was so fragrant1 did we not run after ,thee4 ,therefore did ,i more weep among the singing of ,thy ,hymns1 formerly sighing after ,thee1 and at length breathing in ,thee1 as far as the breath may enter into this our house of grass4 ,thou that makest men to dwell of one mind in one house1 didst join with us ,euodius also1 a young man of our own city4 ,who being an officer of ,court1 was before us converted to ,thee and baptised3 and quitting his secular warfare1 girded himself to ,thine4 ,we were together1 about to dwell together in our devout purpose4 ,we sought where we might serve ,thee most usefully1 and were together returning to ,africa3 whitherward being as far as ,ostia1 my mother departed this life4 ,much ,i omit1 as hastening much4 ,receive my confessions and thanksgivings1 ,o my ,god1 for innumerable things whereof ,i am silent4 ,but ,i will not omit whatsoever my soul would bring forth concerning that ,thy handmaid1 who brought me forth1 both in the flesh1 that ,i might be born to this temporal light1 and in heart1 that ,i might be born to ,light eternal4 ,not her gifts1 but ,thine in her1 would ,i speak of2 for neither did she make nor educate herself4 ,thou createdst her2 nor did her father and mother know what a one should come from them4 ,and the sceptre of ,thy ,christ1 the discipline of ,thine only ,son1 in a ,christian house1 a good member of ,thy ,church1 educated her in ,thy fear4 ,yet for her good discipline was she wont to commend not so much her mother's diligence1 as that of a certain decrepit maid-servant1 who had carried her father when a child1 as little ones used to be carried at the backs of elder girls4 ,for which reason1 and for her great age1 and excellent conversation1 was she1 in that ,christian family1 well respected by its heads4 ,whence also the charge of her master's daughters was entrusted to her1 to which she gave diligent heed1 restraining them earnestly1 when necessary1 with a holy severity1 and teaching them with a grave discretion4 ,for1 except at those hours wherein they were most temporately fed at their parents' table1 she would not suffer them1 though parched with thirst1 to drink even water2 preventing an evil custom1 and adding this wholesome advice3 ,ye drink water now1 because you have not wine in your power2 but when you come to be married1 and be made mistresses of cellars and cupboards1 you will scorn water1 but the custom of drinking will abide4 ,by this method of instruction1 and the authority she had1 she refrained the greediness of childhood1 and moulded their very thirst to such an excellent moderation that what they should not1 that they would not4 ,and yet 7as ,thy handmaid told me her son7 there had crept upon her a love of wine4 ,for when 7as the manner was7 she1 as though a sober maiden1 was bidden by her parents to draw wine out of the hogshed1 holding the vessel under the opening1 before she poured the wine into the flagon1 she sipped a little with the tip of her lips2 for more her instinctive feelings refused4 ,for this she did1 not out of any desire of drink1 but out of the exuberance of youth1 whereby it boils over in mirthful freaks1 which in youthful spirits are wont to be kept under by the gravity of their elders4 ,and thus by adding to that little1 daily littles 7for whoso despiseth little things shall fall by little and little71 she had fallen into such a habit as greedily to drink off her little cup brim-full almost of wine4 ,where was then that discreet old woman1 and that her earnest countermanding8 ,would aught avail against a secret disease1 if ,thy healing hand1 ,o ,lord1 watched not over us8 ,father1 mother1 and governors absent1 ,thou present1 who createdst1 who callest1 who also by those set over us1 workest something towards the salvation of our souls1 what didst ,thou then1 ,o my ,god8 how didst ,thou cure her8 how heal her8 didst ,thou not out of another soul bring forth a hard and a sharp taunt1 like a lancet out of ,thy secret store1 and with one touch remove all that foul stuff8 ,for a maid-servant with whom she used to go to the cellar1 falling to words 7as it happens7 with her little mistress1 when alone with her1 taunted her with this fault1 with most bitter insult1 calling her wine-bibber4 ,with which taunt she1 stung to the quick1 saw the foulness of her fault1 and instantly condemned and forsook it4 ,as flattering friends pervert1 so reproachful enemies mostly correct4 ,yet not what by them ,thou doest1 but what themselves purposed1 dost ,thou repay them4 ,for she in her anger sought to vex her young mistress1 not to amend her2 and did it in private1 either for that the time and place of the quarrel so found them2 or lest herself also should have anger1 for discovering it thus late4 ,but ,thou1 ,lord1 ,governor of all in heaven and earth1 who turnest to ,thy purposes the deepest currents1 and the ruled turbulence of the tide of times1 didst by the very unhealthiness of one soul heal another2 lest any1 when he observes this1 should ascribe it to his own power1 even when another1 whom he wished to be reformed1 is reformed through words of his4 ,brought up thus modestly and soberly1 and made subject rather by ,thee to her parents1 than by her parents to ,thee1 so soon as she was of marriageable age1 being bestowed upon a husband1 she served him as her lord2 and did her diligence to win him unto ,thee1 preaching ,thee unto him by her conversation2 by which ,thou ornamentedst her1 making her reverently amiable1 and admirable unto her husband4 ,and she so endured the wronging of her bed as never to have any quarrel with her husband thereon4 ,for she looked for ,thy mercy upon him1 that believing in ,thee1 he might be made chaste4 ,but besides this1 he was fervid1 as in his affections1 so in anger3 but she had learnt not to resist an angry husband1 not in deed only1 but not even in word4 ,only when he was smoothed and tranquil1 and in a temper to receive it1 she would give an account of her actions1 if haply he had overhastily taken offence4 ,in a word1 while many matrons1 who had milder husbands1 yet bore even in their faces marks of shame1 would in familiar talk blame their husbands' lives1 she would blame their tongues1 giving them1 as in jest1 earnest advice3 ,that from the time they heard the marriage writings read to them1 they should account them as indentures1 whereby they were made servants2 and so1 remembering their condition1 ought not to set themselves up against their lords4 ,and when they1 knowing what a choleric husband she endured1 marvelled that it had never been heard1 nor by any token perceived1 that ,patricius had beaten his wife1 or that there had been any domestic difference between them1 even for one day1 and confidentially asking the reason1 she taught them her practice above mentioned4 ,those wives who observed it found the good1 and returned thanks2 those who observed it not1 found no relief1 and suffered4 ,her mother-in-law also1 at first by whisperings of evil servants incensed against her1 she so overcame by observance and persevering endurance and meekness1 that she of her own accord discovered to her son the meddling tongues whereby the domestic peace betwixt her and her daughter-in-law had been disturbed1 asking him to correct them4 ,then1 when in compliance with his mother1 and for the well-ordering of the family1 he had with stripes corrected those discovered1 at her will who had discovered them1 she promised the like reward to any who1 to please her1 should speak ill of her daughter-in-law to her3 and none now venturing1 they lived together with a remarkable sweetness of mutual kindness4 ,this great gift also thou bestowedst1 ,o my ,god1 my mercy1 upon that good handmaid of ,thine1 in whose womb ,thou createdst me1 that between any disagreeing and discordant parties where she was able1 she showed herself such a peacemaker1 that hearing on both sides most bitter things1 such as swelling and indigested choler uses to break out into1 when the crudities of enmities are breathed out in sour discourses to a present friend against an absent enemy1 she never would disclose aught of the one unto the other1 but what might tend to their reconcilement4 ,a small good this might appear to me1 did ,i not to my grief know numberless persons1 who through some horrible and wide-spreading contagion of sin1 not only disclose to persons mutually angered things said in anger1 but add withal things never spoken1 whereas to humane humanity1 it ought to seem a light thing not to foment or increase ill will by ill words1 unless one study withal by good words to quench it4 ,such was she1 ,thyself1 her most inward ,instructor1 teaching her in the school of the heart4 ,finally1 her own husband1 towards the very end of his earthly life1 did she gain unto ,thee2 nor had she to complain of that in him as a believer1 which before he was a believer she had borne from him4 ,she was also the servant of ,thy servants2 whosoever of them knew her1 did in her much praise and honour and love ,thee2 for that through the witness of the fruits of a holy conversation they perceived ,thy presence in her heart4 ,for she had been the wife of one man1 had requited her parents1 had governed her house piously1 was well reported of for good works1 had brought up children1 so often travailing in birth of them1 as she saw them swerving from ,thee4 ,lastly1 of all of us ,thy servants1 ,o ,lord 7whom on occasion of ,thy own gift ,thou sufferest to speak71 us1 who before her sleeping in ,thee lived united together1 having received the grace of ,thy baptism1 did she so take care of1 as though she had been mother of us all2 so served us1 as though she had been child to us all4 ,the day now approaching whereon she was to depart this life 7which day ,thou well knewest1 we knew not71 it came to pass1 ,thyself1 as ,i believe1 by ,thy secret ways so ordering it1 that she and ,i stood alone1 leaning in a certain window1 which looked into the garden of the house where we now lay1 at ,ostia2 where removed from the din of men1 we were recruiting from the fatigues of a long journey1 for the voyage4 ,we were discoursing then together1 alone1 very sweetly2 and forgetting those things which are behind1 and reaching forth unto those things which are before1 we were enquiring between ourselves in the presence of the ,truth1 which ,thou art1 of what sort the eternal life of the saints was to be1 which eye hath not seen1 nor ear heard1 nor hath it entered into the heart of man4 ,but yet we gasped with the mouth of our heart1 after those heavenly streams of ,thy fountain1 the fountain of life1 which is with ,thee2 that being bedewed thence according to our capacity1 we might in some sort meditate upon so high a mystery4 ,and when our discourse was brought to that point1 that the very highest delight of the earthly senses1 in the very purest material light1 was1 in respect of the sweetness of that life1 not only not worthy of comparison1 but not even of mention2 we raising up ourselves with a more glowing affection towards the ,self-same1 did by degrees pass through all things bodily1 even the very heaven whence sun and moon and stars shine upon the earth2 yea1 we were soaring higher yet1 by inward musing1 and discourse1 and admiring of ,thy works2 and we came to our own minds1 and went beyond them1 that we might arrive at that region of never-failing plenty1 where ,thou feedest ,israel for ever with the food of truth1 and where life is the ,wisdom by whom all these things are made1 and what have been1 and what shall be1 and she is not made1 but is1 as she hath been1 and so shall she be ever2 yea rather1 to have been1 and hereafter to be1 are not in her1 but only to be1 seeing she is eternal4 ,for to have been1 and to be hereafter1 are not eternal4 ,and while we were discoursing and panting after her1 we slightly touched on her with the whole effort of our heart2 and we sighed1 and there we leave bound the first fruits of the ,spirit2 and returned to vocal expressions of our mouth1 where the word spoken has beginning and end4 ,and what is like unto ,thy ,word1 our ,lord1 who endureth in ,himself without becoming old1 and maketh all things new8 ,we were saying then3 ,if to any the tumult of the flesh were hushed1 hushed the images of earth1 and waters1 and air1 hushed also the pole of heaven1 yea the very soul be hushed to herself1 and by not thinking on self surmount self1 hushed all dreams and imaginary revelations1 every tongue and every sign1 and whatsoever exists only in transition1 since if any could hear1 all these say1 ,we made not ourselves1 but ,he made us that abideth for ever--,if then having uttered this1 they too should be hushed1 having roused only our ears to ,him who made them1 and ,he alone speak1 not by them but by ,himself1 that we may hear ,his ,word1 not through any tongue of flesh1 nor ,angel's voice1 nor sound of thunder1 nor in the dark riddle of a similitude1 but might hear ,whom in these things we love1 might hear ,his ,very ,self without these 7as we two now strained ourselves1 and in swift thought touched on that ,eternal ,wisdom which abideth over all72--could this be continued on1 and other visions of kind far unlike be withdrawn1 and this one ravish1 and absorb1 and wrap up its beholder amid these inward joys1 so that life might be for ever like that one moment of understanding which now we sighed after2 were not this1 ,enter into thy ,master's joy8 ,and when shall that be8 ,when we shall all rise again1 though we shall not all be changed8 ,such things was ,i speaking1 and even if not in this very manner1 and these same words1 yet1 ,lord1 ,thou knowest that in that day when we were speaking of these things1 and this world with all its delights became1 as we spake1 contemptible to us1 my mother said1 ,son1 for mine own part ,i have no further delight in any thing in this life4 ,what ,i do here any longer1 and to what ,i am here1 ,i know not1 now that my hopes in this world are accomplished4 ,one thing there was for which ,i desired to linger for a while in this life1 that ,i might see thee a ,catholic ,christian before ,i died4 ,my ,god hath done this for me more abundantly1 that ,i should now see thee withal1 despising earthly happiness1 become ,his servant3 what do ,i here8 ,what answer ,i made her unto these things1 ,i remember not4 ,for scarce five days after1 or not much more1 she fell sick of a fever2 and in that sickness one day she fell into a swoon1 and was for a while withdrawn from these visible things4 ,we hastened round her2 but she was soon brought back to her senses2 and looking on me and my brother standing by her1 said to us enquiringly1 ,where was ,i8 ,and then looking fixedly on us1 with grief amazed3 ,here1 saith she1 shall you bury your mother4 ,i held my peace and refrained weeping2 but my brother spake something1 wishing for her1 as the happier lot1 that she might die1 not in a strange place1 but in her own land4 ,whereat1 she with anxious look1 checking him with her eyes1 for that he still savoured such things1 and then looking upon me3 ,behold1 saith she1 what he saith3 and soon after to us both1 ,lay1 she saith1 this body any where2 let not the care for that any way disquiet you3 this only ,i request1 that you would remember me at the ,lord's altar1 wherever you be4 ,and having delivered this sentiment in what words she could1 she held her peace1 being exercised by her growing sickness4 ,but ,i1 considering ,thy gifts1 ,thou unseen ,god1 which ,thou instillest into the hearts of ,thy faithful ones1 whence wondrous fruits do spring1 did rejoice and give thanks to ,thee1 recalling what ,i before knew1 how careful and anxious she had ever been as to her place of burial1 which she had provided and prepared for herself by the body of her husband4 ,for because they had lived in great harmony together1 she also wished 7so little can the human mind embrace things divine7 to have this addition to that happiness1 and to have it remembered among men1 that after her pilgrimage beyond the seas1 what was earthly of this united pair had been permitted to be united beneath the same earth4 ,but when this emptiness had through the fulness of ,thy goodness begun to cease in her heart1 ,i knew not1 and rejoiced admiring what she had so disclosed to me2 though indeed in that our discourse also in the window1 when she said1 ,what do ,i here any longer8 there appeared no desire of dying in her own country4 ,i heard afterwards also1 that when we were now at ,ostia1 she with a mother's confidence1 when ,i was absent1 one day discoursed with certain of my friends about the contempt of this life1 and the blessing of death3 and when they were amazed at such courage which ,thou hadst given to a woman1 and asked1 ,whether she were not afraid to leave her body so far from her own city8 she replied1 ,nothing is far to ,god2 nor was it to be feared lest at the end of the world1 ,he should not recognise whence ,he were to raise me up4 ,on the ninth day then of her sickness1 and the fifty-sixth year of her age1 and the three-and-thirtieth of mine1 was that religious and holy soul freed from the body4 ,i closed her eyes2 and there flowed withal a mighty sorrow into my heart1 which was overflowing into tears2 mine eyes at the same time1 by the violent command of my mind1 drank up their fountain wholly dry2 and woe was me in such a strife6 ,but when she breathed her last1 the boy ,adeodatus burst out into a loud lament2 then1 checked by us all1 held his peace4 ,in like manner also a childish feeling in me1 which was1 through my heart's youthful voice1 finding its vent in weeping1 was checked and silenced4 ,for we thought it not fitting to solemnise that funeral with tearful lament1 and groanings2 for thereby do they for the most part express grief for the departed1 as though unhappy1 or altogether dead2 whereas she was neither unhappy in her death1 nor altogether dead4 ,of this we were assured on good grounds1 the testimony of her good conversation and her faith unfeigned4 ,what then was it which did grievously pain me within1 but a fresh wound wrought through the sudden wrench of that most sweet and dear custom of living together8 ,i joyed indeed in her testimony1 when1 in that her last sickness1 mingling her endearments with my acts of duty1 she called me dutiful1 and mentioned1 with great affection of love1 that she never had heard any harsh or reproachful sound uttered by my mouth against her4 ,but yet1 ,o my ,god1 ,who madest us1 what comparison is there betwixt that honour that ,i paid to her1 and her slavery for me8 ,being then forsaken of so great comfort in her1 my soul was wounded1 and that life rent asunder as it were1 which1 of hers and mine together1 had been made but one4 ,the boy then being stilled from weeping1 ,euodius took up the ,psalter1 and began to sing1 our whole house answering him1 the ,psalm1 ,i will sing of mercy and judgments to ,thee1 ,o ,lord4 ,but hearing what we were doing1 many brethren and religious women came together2 and whilst they 7whose office it was7 made ready for the burial1 as the manner is1 ,i1 in a part of the house1 where ,i might properly1 together with those who thought not fit to leave me1 discoursed upon something fitting the time2 and by this balm of truth assuaged that torment1 known to ,thee1 they unknowing and listening intently1 and conceiving me to be without all sense of sorrow4 ,but in ,thy ears1 where none of them heard1 ,i blamed the weakness of my feelings1 and refrained my flood of grief1 which gave way a little unto me2 but again came1 as with a tide1 yet not so as to burst out into tears1 nor to change of countenance2 still ,i knew what ,i was keeping down in my heart4 ,and being very much displeased that these human things had such power over me1 which in the due order and appointment of our natural condition must needs come to pass1 with a new grief ,i grieved for my grief1 and was thus worn by a double sorrow4 ,and behold1 the corpse was carried to the burial2 we went and returned without tears4 ,for neither in those prayers which we poured forth unto ,thee1 when the ,sacrifice of our ransom was offered for her1 when now the corpse was by the grave's side1 as the manner there is1 previous to its being laid therein1 did ,i weep even during those prayers2 yet was ,i the whole day in secret heavily sad1 and with troubled mind prayed ,thee1 as ,i could1 to heal my sorrow1 yet ,thou didst not2 impressing1 ,i believe1 upon my memory by this one instance1 how strong is the bond of all habit1 even upon a soul1 which now feeds upon no deceiving ,word4 ,it seemed also good to me to go and bathe1 having heard that the bath had its name 7balneum7 from the ,greek ,balaneion for that it drives sadness from the mind4 ,and this also ,i confess unto ,thy mercy1 ,father of the fatherless1 that ,i bathed1 and was the same as before ,i bathed4 ,for the bitterness of sorrow could not exude out of my heart4 ,then ,i slept1 and woke up again1 and found my grief not a little softened2 and as ,i was alone in my bed1 ,i remembered those true verses of ,thy ,ambrose4 ,for ,thou art the ,maker of all1 the ,lord1 ,and ,ruler of the height1 ,who1 robing day in light1 hast poured ,soft slumbers o'er the night1 ,that to our limbs the power ,of toil may be renew'd1 ,and hearts be rais'd that sink and cower1 ,and sorrows be subdu'd4 ,and then by little and little ,i recovered my former thoughts of ,thy handmaid1 her holy conversation towards ,thee1 her holy tenderness and observance towards us1 whereof ,i was suddenly deprived3 and ,i was minded to weep in ,thy sight1 for her and for myself1 in her behalf and in my own4 ,and ,i gave way to the tears which ,i before restrained1 to overflow as much as they desired2 reposing my heart upon them2 and it found rest in them1 for it was in ,thy ears1 not in those of man1 who would have scornfully interpreted my weeping4 ,and now1 ,lord1 in writing ,i confess it unto ,thee4 ,read it1 who will1 and interpret it1 how he will3 and if he finds sin therein1 that ,i wept my mother for a small portion of an hour 7the mother who for the time was dead to mine eyes1 who had for many years wept for me that ,i might live in ,thine eyes71 let him not deride me2 but rather1 if he be one of large charity1 let him weep himself for my sins unto ,thee1 the ,father of all the brethren of ,thy ,christ4 ,but now1 with a heart cured of that wound1 wherein it might seem blameworthy for an earthly feeling1 ,i pour out unto ,thee1 our ,god1 in behalf of that ,thy handmaid1 a far different kind of tears1 flowing from a spirit shaken by the thoughts of the dangers of every soul that dieth in ,adam4 ,and although she having been quickened in ,christ1 even before her release from the flesh1 had lived to the praise of ,thy name for her faith and conversation2 yet dare ,i not say that from what time ,thou regeneratedst her by baptism1 no word issued from her mouth against ,thy ,commandment4 ,thy ,son1 the ,truth1 hath said1 ,whosoever shall say unto his brother1 ,thou fool1 shall be in danger of hell fire4 ,and woe be even unto the commendable life of men1 if1 laying aside mercy1 ,thou shouldest examine it4 ,but because ,thou art not extreme in enquiring after sins1 we confidently hope to find some place with ,thee4 ,but whosoever reckons up his real merits to ,thee1 what reckons he up to ,thee but ,thine own gifts8 ,o that men would know themselves to be men2 and that he that glorieth would glory in the ,lord4 ,i therefore1 ,o my ,praise and my ,life1 ,god of my heart1 laying aside for a while her good deeds1 for which ,i give thanks to ,thee with joy1 do now beseech ,thee for the sins of my mother4 ,hearken unto me1 ,i entreat ,thee1 by the ,medicine of our wounds1 ,who hung upon the tree1 and now sitting at ,thy right hand maketh intercession to ,thee for us4 ,i know that she dealt mercifully1 and from her heart forgave her debtors their debts2 do ,thou also forgive her debts1 whatever she may have contracted in so many years1 since the water of salvation4 ,forgive her1 ,lord1 forgive1 ,i beseech ,thee2 enter not into judgment with her4 ,let ,thy mercy be exalted above ,thy justice1 since ,thy words are true1 and ,thou hast promised mercy unto the merciful2 which ,thou gavest them to be1 who wilt have mercy on whom ,thou wilt have mercy2 and wilt have compassion on whom ,thou hast had compassion4 ,and1 ,i believe1 ,thou hast already done what ,i ask2 but accept1 ,o ,lord1 the free-will offerings of my mouth4 ,for she1 the day of her dissolution now at hand1 took no thought to have her body sumptuously wound up1 or embalmed with spices2 nor desired she a choice monument1 or to be buried in her own land4 ,these things she enjoined us not2 but desired only to have her name commemorated at ,thy ,altar1 which she had served without intermission of one day3 whence she knew the holy ,sacrifice to be dispensed1 by which the hand-writing that was against us is blotted out2 through which the enemy was triumphed over1 who summing up our offences1 and seeking what to lay to our charge1 found nothing in ,him1 in ,whom we conquer4 ,who shall restore to ,him the innocent blood8 ,who repay ,him the price wherewith ,he bought us1 and so take us from ,him8 ,unto the ,sacrament of which our ransom1 ,thy handmaid bound her soul by the bond of faith4 ,let none sever her from ,thy protection3 let neither the lion nor the dragon interpose himself by force or fraud4 ,for she will not answer that she owes nothing1 lest she be convicted and seized by the crafty accuser3 but she will answer that her sins are forgiven her by ,him1 to ,whom none can repay that price which ,he1 ,who owed nothing1 paid for us4 ,may she rest then in peace with the husband before and after whom she had never any2 whom she obeyed1 with patience bringing forth fruit unto ,thee1 that she might win him also unto ,thee4 ,and inspire1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 inspire ,thy servants my brethren1 ,thy sons my masters1 whom with voice1 and heart1 and pen ,i serve1 that so many as shall read these ,confessions1 may at ,thy ,altar remember ,monnica ,thy handmaid1 with ,patricius1 her sometimes husband1 by whose bodies ,thou broughtest me into this life1 how ,i know not4 ,may they with devout affection remember my parents in this transitory light1 my brethren under ,thee our ,father in our ,catholic ,mother1 and my fellow-citizens in that eternal ,jerusalem which ,thy pilgrim people sigheth after from their ,exodus1 even unto their return thither4 ,that so my mother's last request of me1 may through my confessions1 more than through my prayers1 be1 through the prayers of many1 more abundantly fulfilled to her4 ,,book ,x ,let me know ,thee1 ,o ,lord1 who knowest me3 let me know ,thee1 as ,i am known4 ,power of my soul1 enter into it1 and fit it for ,thee1 that ,thou mayest have and hold it without spot or wrinkle4 ,this is my hope1 therefore do ,i speak2 and in this hope do ,i rejoice1 when ,i rejoice healthfully4 ,other things of this life are the less to be sorrowed for1 the more they are sorrowed for2 and the more to be sorrowed for1 the less men sorrow for them4 ,for behold1 ,thou lovest the truth1 and he that doth it1 cometh to the light4 ,this would ,i do in my heart before ,thee in confession3 and in my writing1 before many witnesses4 ,and from ,thee1 ,o ,lord1 unto whose eyes the abyss of man's conscience is naked1 what could be hidden in me though ,i would not confess it8 ,for ,i should hide ,thee from me1 not me from ,thee4 ,but now1 for that my groaning is witness1 that ,i am displeased with myself1 ,thou shinest out1 and art pleasing1 and beloved1 and longed for2 that ,i may be ashamed of myself1 and renounce myself1 and choose ,thee1 and neither please ,thee nor myself1 but in ,thee4 ,to ,thee therefore1 ,o ,lord1 am ,i open1 whatever ,i am2 and with what fruit ,i confess unto ,thee1 ,i have said4 ,nor do ,i it with words and sounds of the flesh1 but with the words of my soul1 and the cry of the thought which ,thy ear knoweth4 ,for when ,i am evil1 then to confess to ,thee is nothing else than to be displeased with myself2 but when holy1 nothing else than not to ascribe it to myself3 because ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 blessest the godly1 but first ,thou justifieth him when ungodly4 ,my confession then1 ,o my ,god1 in ,thy sight1 is made silently1 and not silently4 ,for in sound1 it is silent2 in affection1 it cries aloud4 ,for neither do ,i utter any thing right unto men1 which ,thou hast not before heard from me2 nor dost ,thou hear any such thing from me1 which ,thou hast not first said unto me4 ,what then have ,i to do with men1 that they should hear my confessions--as if they could heal all my infirmities--a race1 curious to know the lives of others1 slothful to amend their own8 ,why seek they to hear from me what ,i am2 who will not hear from ,thee what themselves are8 ,and how know they1 when from myself they hear of myself1 whether ,i say true2 seeing no man knows what is in man1 but the spirit of man which is in him8 ,but if they hear from ,thee of themselves1 they cannot say1 ,the ,lord lieth4 ,for what is it to hear from ,thee of themselves1 but to know themselves8 and who knoweth and saith1 ,it is false1 unless himself lieth8 ,but because charity believeth all things 7that is1 among those whom knitting unto itself it maketh one71 ,i also1 ,o ,lord1 will in such wise confess unto ,thee1 that men may hear1 to whom ,i cannot demonstrate whether ,i confess truly2 yet they believe me1 whose ears charity openeth unto me4 ,but do ,thou1 my inmost ,physician1 make plain unto me what fruit ,i may reap by doing it4 ,for the confessions of my past sins1 which ,thou hast forgiven and covered1 that ,thou mightest bless me in ,thee1 changing my soul by ,faith and ,thy ,sacrament1 when read and heard1 stir up the heart1 that it sleep not in despair and say ,i cannot1 but awake in the love of ,thy mercy and the sweetness of ,thy grace1 whereby whoso is weak1 is strong1 when by it he became conscious of his own weakness4 ,and the good delight to hear of the past evils of such as are now freed from them1 not because they are evils1 but because they have been and are not4 ,with what fruit then1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 to ,whom my conscience daily confesseth1 trusting more in the hope of ,thy mercy than in her own innocency1 with what fruit1 ,i pray1 do ,i by this book confess to men also in ,thy presence what ,i now am1 not what ,i have been8 ,for that other fruit ,i have seen and spoken of4 ,but what ,i now am1 at the very time of making these confessions1 divers desire to know1 who have or have not known me1 who have heard from me or of me2 but their ear is not at my heart where ,i am1 whatever ,i am4 ,they wish then to hear me confess what ,i am within2 whither neither their eye1 nor ear1 nor understanding can reach2 they wish it1 as ready to believe--but will they know8 ,for charity1 whereby they are good1 telleth them that in my confessions ,i lie not2 and she in them1 believeth me4 ,but for what fruit would they hear this8 ,do they desire to joy with me1 when they hear how near1 by ,thy gift1 ,i approach unto ,thee8 and to pray for me1 when they shall hear how much ,i am held back by my own weight8 ,to such will ,i discover myself4 ,for it is no mean fruit1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 that by many thanks should be given to ,thee on our behalf1 and ,thou be by many entreated for us4 ,let the brotherly mind love in me what ,thou teachest is to be loved1 and lament in me what ,thou teachest is to be lamented4 ,let a brotherly1 not a stranger1 mind1 not that of the strange children1 whose mouth talketh of vanity1 and their right hand is a right hand of iniquity1 but that brotherly mind which when it approveth1 rejoiceth for me1 and when it disapproveth me1 is sorry for me2 because whether it approveth or disapproveth1 it loveth me4 ,to such will ,i discover myself3 they will breathe freely at my good deeds1 sigh for my ill4 ,my good deeds are ,thine appointments1 and ,thy gifts2 my evil ones are my offences1 and ,thy judgments4 ,let them breathe freely at the one1 sigh at the other2 and let hymns and weeping go up into ,thy sight1 out of the hearts of my brethren1 ,thy censers4 ,and do ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 be pleased with the incense of ,thy holy temple1 have mercy upon me according to ,thy great mercy for ,thine own name's sake2 and no ways forsaking what ,thou hast begun1 perfect my imperfections4 ,this is the fruit of my confessions of what ,i am1 not of what ,i have been1 to confess this1 not before ,thee only1 in a secret exultation with trembling1 and a secret sorrow with hope2 but in the ears also of the believing sons of men1 sharers of my joy1 and partners in my mortality1 my fellow-citizens1 and fellow-pilgrims1 who are gone before1 or are to follow on1 companions of my way4 ,these are ,thy servants1 my brethren1 whom ,thou willest to be ,thy sons2 my masters1 whom ,thou commandest me to serve1 if ,i would live with ,thee1 of ,thee4 ,but this ,thy ,word were little did it only command by speaking1 and not go before in performing4 ,this then ,i do in deed and word1 this ,i do under ,thy wings2 in over great peril1 were not my soul subdued unto ,thee under ,thy wings1 and my infirmity known unto ,thee4 ,i am a little one1 but my ,father ever liveth1 and my ,guardian is sufficient for me4 ,for ,he is the same who begat me1 and defends me3 and ,thou ,thyself art all my good2 ,thou1 ,almighty1 ,who are with me1 yea1 before ,i am with ,thee4 ,to such then whom ,thou commandest me to serve will ,i discover1 not what ,i have been1 but what ,i now am and what ,i yet am4 ,but neither do ,i judge myself4 ,thus therefore ,i would be heard4 ,for ,thou1 ,lord1 dost judge me3 because1 although no man knoweth the things of a man1 but the spirit of a man which is in him1 yet is there something of man1 which neither the spirit of man that is in him1 itself knoweth4 ,but ,thou1 ,lord1 knowest all of him1 ,who hast made him4 ,yet ,i1 though in ,thy sight ,i despise myself1 and account myself dust and ashes2 yet know ,i something of ,thee1 which ,i know not of myself4 ,and truly1 now we see through a glass darkly1 not face to face as yet4 ,so long therefore as ,i be absent from ,thee1 ,i am more present with myself than with ,thee2 and yet know ,i ,thee that ,thou art in no ways passible2 but ,i1 what temptations ,i can resist1 what ,i cannot1 ,i know not4 ,and there is hope1 because ,thou art faithful1 ,who wilt not suffer us to be tempted above that we are able2 but wilt with the temptation also make a way to escape1 that we may be able to bear it4 ,i will confess then what ,i know of myself1 ,i will confess also what ,i know not of myself4 ,and that because what ,i do know of myself1 ,i know by ,thy shining upon me2 and what ,i know not of myself1 so long know ,i not it1 until my darkness be made as the noon-day in ,thy countenance4 ,not with doubting1 but with assured consciousness1 do ,i love ,thee1 ,lord4 ,thou hast stricken my heart with ,thy word1 and ,i loved ,thee4 ,yea also heaven1 and earth1 and all that therein is1 behold1 on every side they bid me love ,thee2 nor cease to say so unto all1 that they may be without excuse4 ,but more deeply wilt ,thou have mercy on whom ,thou wilt have mercy1 and wilt have compassion on whom ,thou hast had compassion3 else in deaf ears do the heaven and the earth speak ,thy praises4 ,but what do ,i love1 when ,i love ,thee8 not beauty of bodies1 nor the fair harmony of time1 nor the brightness of the light1 so gladsome to our eyes1 nor sweet melodies of varied songs1 nor the fragrant smell of flowers1 and ointments1 and spices1 not manna and honey1 not limbs acceptable to embracements of flesh4 ,none of these ,i love1 when ,i love my ,god2 and yet ,i love a kind of light1 and melody1 and fragrance1 and meat1 and embracement when ,i love my ,god1 the light1 melody1 fragrance1 meat1 embracement of my inner man3 where there shineth unto my soul what space cannot contain1 and there soundeth what time beareth not away1 and there smelleth what breathing disperseth not1 and there tasteth what eating diminisheth not1 and there clingeth what satiety divorceth not4 ,this is it which ,i love when ,i love my ,god4 ,and what is this8 ,i asked the earth1 and it answered me1 ,i am not ,he2 and whatsoever are in it confessed the same4 ,i asked the sea and the deeps1 and the living creeping things1 and they answered1 ,we are not thy ,god1 seek above us4 ,i asked the moving air2 and the whole air with his inhabitants answered1 ,anaximenes was deceived1 ,i am not ,god4 ,i asked the heavens1 sun1 moon1 stars1 ,nor 7say they7 are we the ,god whom thou seekest4 ,and ,i replied unto all the things which encompass the door of my flesh3 ,ye have told me of my ,god1 that ye are not ,he2 tell me something of ,him4 ,and they cried out with a loud voice1 ,he made us4 ,my questioning them1 was my thoughts on them3 and their form of beauty gave the answer4 ,and ,i turned myself unto myself1 and said to myself1 ,who art thou8 ,and ,i answered1 ,a man4 ,and behold1 in me there present themselves to me soul1 and body1 one without1 the other within4 ,by which of these ought ,i to seek my ,god8 ,i had sought ,him in the body from earth to heaven1 so far as ,i could send messengers1 the beams of mine eyes4 ,but the better is the inner1 for to it as presiding and judging1 all the bodily messengers reported the answers of heaven and earth1 and all things therein1 who said1 ,we are not ,god1 but ,he made us4 ,these things did my inner man know by the ministry of the outer3 ,i the inner knew them2 ,i1 the mind1 through the senses of my body4 ,i asked the whole frame of the world about my ,god2 and it answered me1 ,i am not ,he1 but ,he made me4 ,is not this corporeal figure apparent to all whose senses are perfect8 why then speaks it not the same to all8 ,animals small and great see it1 but they cannot ask it3 because no reason is set over their senses to judge on what they report4 ,but men can ask1 so that the invisible things of ,god are clearly seen1 being understood by the things that are made2 but by love of them1 they are made subject unto them3 and subjects cannot judge4 ,nor yet do the creatures answer such as ask1 unless they can judge2 nor yet do they change their voice 7i4e41 their appearance71 if one man only sees1 another seeing asks1 so as to appear one way to this man1 another way to that1 but appearing the same way to both1 it is dumb to this1 speaks to that2 yea rather it speaks to all2 but they only understand1 who compare its voice received from without1 with the truth within4 ,for truth saith unto me1 ,neither heaven1 nor earth1 nor any other body is thy ,god4 ,this1 their very nature saith to him that seeth them3 ,they are a mass2 a mass is less in a part thereof than in the whole4 ,now to thee ,i speak1 ,o my soul1 thou art my better part3 for thou quickenest the mass of my body1 giving it life1 which no body can give to a body3 but thy ,god is even unto thee the ,life of thy life4 ,what then do ,i love1 when ,i love my ,god8 who is ,he above the head of my soul8 ,by my very soul will ,i ascend to ,him4 ,i will pass beyond that power whereby ,i am united to my body1 and fill its whole frame with life4 ,nor can ,i by that power find my ,god2 for so horse and mule that have no understanding might find ,him2 seeing it is the same power1 whereby even their bodies live4 ,but another power there is1 not that only whereby ,i animate1 but that too whereby ,i imbue with sense my flesh1 which the ,lord hath framed for me3 commanding the eye not to hear1 and the ear not to see2 but the eye1 that through it ,i should see1 and the ear1 that through it ,i should hear2 and to the other senses severally1 what is to each their own peculiar seats and offices2 which1 being divers1 ,i the one mind1 do through them enact4 ,i will pass beyond this power of mine also2 for this also have the horse1 and mule1 for they also perceive through the body4 ,i will pass then beyond this power of my nature also1 rising by degrees unto ,him ,who made me4 ,and ,i come to the fields and spacious palaces of my memory1 where are the treasures of innumerable images1 brought into it from things of all sorts perceived by the senses4 ,there is stored up1 whatsoever besides we think1 either by enlarging or diminishing1 or any other way varying those things which the sense hath come to2 and whatever else hath been committed and laid up1 which forgetfulness hath not yet swallowed up and buried4 ,when ,i enter there1 ,i require what ,i will to be brought forth1 and something instantly comes2 others must be longer sought after1 which are fetched1 as it were1 out of some inner receptacle2 others rush out in troops1 and while one thing is desired and required1 they start forth1 as who should say1 ,is it perchance ,i8 ,these ,i drive away with the hand of my heart1 from the face of my remembrance2 until what ,i wish for be unveiled1 and appear in sight1 out of its secret place4 ,other things come up readily1 in unbroken order1 as they are called for2 those in front making way for the following2 and as they make way1 they are hidden from sight1 ready to come when ,i will4 ,all which takes place when ,i repeat a thing by heart4 ,there are all things preserved distinctly and under general heads1 each having entered by its own avenue3 as light1 and all colours and forms of bodies by the eyes2 by the ears all sorts of sounds2 all smells by the avenue of the nostrils2 all tastes by the mouth2 and by the sensation of the whole body1 what is hard or soft2 hot or cold2 or rugged2 heavy or light2 either outwardly or inwardly to the body4 ,all these doth that great harbour of the memory receive in her numberless secret and inexpressible windings1 to be forthcoming1 and brought out at need2 each entering in by his own gate1 and there laid up4 ,nor yet do the things themselves enter in2 only the images of the things perceived are there in readiness1 for thought to recall4 ,which images1 how they are formed1 who can tell1 though it doth plainly appear by which sense each hath been brought in and stored up8 ,for even while ,i dwell in darkness and silence1 in my memory ,i can produce colours1 if ,i will1 and discern betwixt black and white1 and what others ,i will3 nor yet do sounds break in and disturb the image drawn in by my eyes1 which ,i am reviewing1 though they also are there1 lying dormant1 and laid up1 as it were1 apart4 ,for these too ,i call for1 and forthwith they appear4 ,and though my tongue be still1 and my throat mute1 so can ,i sing as much as ,i will2 nor do those images of colours1 which notwithstanding be there1 intrude themselves and interrupt1 when another store is called for1 which flowed in by the ears4 ,so the other things1 piled in and up by the other senses1 ,i recall at my pleasure4 ,yea1 ,i discern the breath of lilies from violets1 though smelling nothing2 and ,i prefer honey to sweet wine1 smooth before rugged1 at the time neither tasting nor handling1 but remembering only4 ,these things do ,i within1 in that vast court of my memory4 ,for there are present with me1 heaven1 earth1 sea1 and whatever ,i could think on therein1 besides what ,i have forgotten4 ,there also meet ,i with myself1 and recall myself1 and when1 where1 and what ,i have done1 and under what feelings4 ,there be all which ,i remember1 either on my own experience1 or other's credit4 ,out of the same store do ,i myself with the past continually combine fresh and fresh likenesses of things which ,i have experienced1 or1 from what ,i have experienced1 have believed3 and thence again infer future actions1 events and hopes1 and all these again ,i reflect on1 as present4 ,i will do this or that1 say ,i to myself1 in that great receptacle of my mind1 stored with the images of things so many and so great1 and this or that will follow4 ,o that this or that might be6 ,god avert this or that6 ,so speak ,i to myself3 and when ,i speak1 the images of all ,i speak of are present1 out of the same treasury of memory2 nor would ,i speak of any thereof1 were the images wanting4 ,great is this force of memory1 excessive great1 ,o my ,god2 a large and boundless chamber6 who ever sounded the bottom thereof8 yet is this a power of mine1 and belongs unto my nature2 nor do ,i myself comprehend all that ,i am4 ,therefore is the mind too strait to contain itself4 ,and where should that be1 which it containeth not of itself8 ,is it without it1 and not within8 how then doth it not comprehend itself8 ,a wonderful admiration surprises me1 amazement seizes me upon this4 ,and men go abroad to admire the heights of mountains1 the mighty billows of the sea1 the broad tides of rivers1 the compass of the ocean1 and the circuits of the stars1 and pass themselves by2 nor wonder that when ,i spake of all these things1 ,i did not see them with mine eyes1 yet could not have spoken of them1 unless ,i then actually saw the mountains1 billows1 rivers1 stars which ,i had seen1 and that ocean which ,i believe to be1 inwardly in my memory1 and that1 with the same vast spaces between1 as if ,i saw them abroad4 ,yet did not ,i by seeing draw them into myself1 when with mine eyes ,i beheld them2 nor are they themselves with me1 but their images only4 ,and ,i know by what sense of the body each was impressed upon me4 ,yet not these alone does the unmeasurable capacity of my memory retain4 ,here also is all1 learnt of the liberal sciences and as yet unforgotten2 removed as it were to some inner place1 which is yet no place3 nor are they the images thereof1 but the things themselves4 ,for1 what is literature1 what the art of disputing1 how many kinds of questions there be1 whatsoever of these ,i know1 in such manner exists in my memory1 as that ,i have not taken in the image1 and left out the thing1 or that it should have sounded and passed away like a voice fixed on the ear by that impress1 whereby it might be recalled1 as if it sounded1 when it no longer sounded2 or as a smell while it passes and evaporates into air affects the sense of smell1 whence it conveys into the memory an image of itself1 which remembering1 we renew1 or as meat1 which verily in the belly hath now no taste1 and yet in the memory still in a manner tasteth2 or as any thing which the body by touch perceiveth1 and which when removed from us1 the memory still conceives4 ,for those things are not transmitted into the memory1 but their images only are with an admirable swiftness caught up1 and stored as it were in wondrous cabinets1 and thence wonderfully by the act of remembering1 brought forth4 ,but now when ,i hear that there be three kinds of questions1 ,whether the thing be8 what it is8 of what kind it is8 ,i do indeed hold the images of the sounds of which those words be composed1 and that those sounds1 with a noise passed through the air1 and now are not4 ,but the things themselves which are signified by those sounds1 ,i never reached with any sense of my body1 nor ever discerned them otherwise than in my mind2 yet in my memory have ,i laid up not their images1 but themselves4 ,which how they entered into me1 let them say if they can2 for ,i have gone over all the avenues of my flesh1 but cannot find by which they entered4 ,for the eyes say1 ,if those images were coloured1 we reported of them4 ,the ears say1 ,if they sound1 we gave knowledge of them4 ,the nostrils say1 ,if they smell1 they passed by us4 ,the taste says1 ,unless they have a savour1 ask me not4 ,the touch says1 ,if it have not size1 ,i handled it not2 if ,i handled it not1 ,i gave no notice of it4 ,whence and how entered these things into my memory8 ,i know not how4 ,for when ,i learned them1 ,i gave not credit to another man's mind1 but recognised them in mine2 and approving them for true1 ,i commended them to it1 laying them up as it were1 whence ,i might bring them forth when ,i willed4 ,in my heart then they were1 even before ,i learned them1 but in my memory they were not4 ,where then8 or wherefore1 when they were spoken1 did ,i acknowledge them1 and said1 ,so is it1 it is true1 unless that they were already in the memory1 but so thrown back and buried as it were in deeper recesses1 that had not the suggestion of another drawn them forth ,i had perchance been unable to conceive of them8 ,wherefore we find1 that to learn these things whereof we imbibe not the images by our senses1 but perceive within by themselves1 without images1 as they are1 is nothing else1 but by conception1 to receive1 and by marking to take heed that those things which the memory did before contain at random and unarranged1 be laid up at hand as it were in that same memory where before they lay unknown1 scattered and neglected1 and so readily occur to the mind familiarised to them4 ,and how many things of this kind does my memory bear which have been already found out1 and as ,i said1 placed as it were at hand1 which we are said to have learned and come to know which were ,i for some short space of time to cease to call to mind1 they are again so buried1 and glide back1 as it were1 into the deeper recesses1 that they must again1 as if new1 be thought out thence1 for other abode they have none3 but they must be drawn together again1 that they may be known2 that is to say1 they must as it were be collected together from their dispersion3 whence the word cogitation is derived4 ,for cogo 7collect7 and cogito 7re-collect7 have the same relation to each other as ago and agito1 facio and factito4 ,but the mind hath appropriated to itself this word 7cogitation71 so that1 not what is collected any how1 but what is recollected1 i4e41 brought together1 in the mind1 is properly said to be cogitated1 or thought upon4 ,the memory containeth also reasons and laws innumerable of numbers and dimensions1 none of which hath any bodily sense impressed2 seeing they have neither colour1 nor sound1 nor taste1 nor smell1 nor touch4 ,i have heard the sound of the words whereby when discussed they are denoted3 but the sounds are other than the things4 ,for the sounds are other in ,greek than in ,latin2 but the things are neither ,greek1 nor ,latin1 nor any other language4 ,i have seen the lines of architects1 the very finest1 like a spider's thread2 but those are still different1 they are not the images of those lines which the eye of flesh showed me3 he knoweth them1 whosoever without any conception whatsoever of a body1 recognises them within himself4 ,i have perceived also the numbers of the things with which we number all the senses of my body2 but those numbers wherewith we number are different1 nor are they the images of these1 and therefore they indeed are4 ,let him who seeth them not1 deride me for saying these things1 and ,i will pity him1 while he derides me4 ,all these things ,i remember1 and how ,i learnt them ,i remember4 ,many things also most falsely objected against them have ,i heard1 and remember2 which though they be false1 yet is it not false that ,i remember them2 and ,i remember also that ,i have discerned betwixt those truths and these falsehoods objected to them4 ,and ,i perceive that the present discerning of these things is different from remembering that ,i oftentimes discerned them1 when ,i often thought upon them4 ,i both remember then to have often understood these things2 and what ,i now discern and understand1 ,i lay up in my memory1 that hereafter ,i may remember that ,i understand it now4 ,so then ,i remember also to have remembered2 as if hereafter ,i shall call to remembrance1 that ,i have now been able to remember these things1 by the force of memory shall ,i call it to remembrance4 ,the same memory contains also the affections of my mind1 not in the same manner that my mind itself contains them1 when it feels them2 but far otherwise1 according to a power of its own4 ,for without rejoicing ,i remember myself to have joyed2 and without sorrow do ,i recollect my past sorrow4 ,and that ,i once feared1 ,i review without fear2 and without desire call to mind a past desire4 ,sometimes1 on the contrary1 with joy do ,i remember my fore-past sorrow1 and with sorrow1 joy4 ,which is not wonderful1 as to the body2 for mind is one thing1 body another4 ,if ,i therefore with joy remember some past pain of body1 it is not so wonderful4 ,but now seeing this very memory itself is mind 7for when we give a thing in charge1 to be kept in memory1 we say1 ,see that you keep it in mind2 and when we forget1 we say1 ,it did not come to my mind1 and1 ,it slipped out of my mind1 calling the memory itself the mind72 this being so1 how is it that when with joy ,i remember my past sorrow1 the mind hath joy1 the memory hath sorrow2 the mind upon the joyfulness which is in it1 is joyful1 yet the memory upon the sadness which is in it1 is not sad8 ,does the memory perchance not belong to the mind8 ,who will say so8 ,the memory then is1 as it were1 the belly of the mind1 and joy and sadness1 like sweet and bitter food2 which1 when committed to the memory1 are as it were passed into the belly1 where they may be stowed1 but cannot taste4 ,ridiculous it is to imagine these to be alike2 and yet are they not utterly unlike4 ,but1 behold1 out of my memory ,i bring it1 when ,i say there be four perturbations of the mind1 desire1 joy1 fear1 sorrow2 and whatsoever ,i can dispute thereon1 by dividing each into its subordinate species1 and by defining it1 in my memory find ,i what to say1 and thence do ,i bring it3 yet am ,i not disturbed by any of these perturbations1 when by calling them to mind1 ,i remember them2 yea1 and before ,i recalled and brought them back1 they were there2 and therefore could they1 by recollection1 thence be brought4 ,perchance1 then1 as meat is by chewing the cud brought up out of the belly1 so by recollection these out of the memory4 ,why then does not the disputer1 thus recollecting1 taste in the mouth of his musing the sweetness of joy1 or the bitterness of sorrow8 ,is the comparison unlike in this1 because not in all respects like8 ,for who would willingly speak thereof1 if so oft as we name grief or fear1 we should be compelled to be sad or fearful8 ,and yet could we not speak of them1 did we not find in our memory1 not only the sounds of the names according to the images impressed by the senses of the body1 but notions of the very things themselves which we never received by any avenue of the body1 but which the mind itself perceiving by the experience of its own passions1 committed to the memory1 or the memory of itself retained1 without being committed unto it4 ,but whether by images or no1 who can readily say8 ,thus1 ,i name a stone1 ,i name the sun1 the things themselves not being present to my senses1 but their images to my memory4 ,i name a bodily pain1 yet it is not present with me1 when nothing aches3 yet unless its image were present to my memory1 ,i should not know what to say thereof1 nor in discoursing discern pain from pleasure4 ,i name bodily health2 being sound in body1 the thing itself is present with me2 yet1 unless its image also were present in my memory1 ,i could by no means recall what the sound of this name should signify4 ,nor would the sick1 when health were named1 recognise what were spoken1 unless the same image were by the force of memory retained1 although the thing itself were absent from the body4 ,i name numbers whereby we number2 and not their images1 but themselves are present in my memory4 ,i name the image of the sun1 and that image is present in my memory4 ,for ,i recall not the image of its image1 but the image itself is present to me1 calling it to mind4 ,i name memory1 and ,i recognise what ,i name4 ,and where do ,i recognise it1 but in the memory itself8 ,is it also present to itself by its image1 and not by itself8 ,what1 when ,i name forgetfulness1 and withal recognise what ,i name8 whence should ,i recognise it1 did ,i not remember it8 ,i speak not of the sound of the name1 but of the thing which it signifies3 which if ,i had forgotten1 ,i could not recognise what that sound signifies4 ,when then ,i remember memory1 memory itself is1 through itself1 present with itself3 but when ,i remember forgetfulness1 there are present both memory and forgetfulness2 memory whereby ,i remember1 forgetfulness which ,i remember4 ,but what is forgetfulness1 but the privation of memory8 ,how then is it present that ,i remember it1 since when present ,i cannot remember8 ,but if what we remember we hold it in memory1 yet1 unless we did remember forgetfulness1 we could never at the hearing of the name recognise the thing thereby signified1 then forgetfulness is retained by memory4 ,present then it is1 that we forget not1 and being so1 we forget4 ,it is to be understood from this that forgetfulness when we remember it1 is not present to the memory by itself but by its image3 because if it were present by itself1 it would not cause us to remember1 but to forget4 ,who now shall search out this8 who shall comprehend how it is8 ,lord1 ,i1 truly1 toil therein1 yea and toil in myself2 ,i am become a heavy soil requiring over much sweat of the brow4 ,for we are not now searching out the regions of heaven1 or measuring the distances of the stars1 or enquiring the balancings of the earth4 ,it is ,i myself who remember1 ,i the mind4 ,it is not so wonderful1 if what ,i myself am not1 be far from me4 ,but what is nearer to me than myself8 ,and lo1 the force of mine own memory is not understood by me2 though ,i cannot so much as name myself without it4 ,for what shall ,i say1 when it is clear to me that ,i remember forgetfulness8 ,shall ,i say that that is not in my memory1 which ,i remember8 or shall ,i say that forgetfulness is for this purpose in my memory1 that ,i might not forget8 ,both were most absurd4 ,what third way is there8 ,how can ,i say that the image of forgetfulness is retained by my memory1 not forgetfulness itself1 when ,i remember it8 ,how could ,i say this either1 seeing that when the image of any thing is impressed on the memory1 the thing itself must needs be first present1 whence that image may be impressed8 ,for thus do ,i remember ,carthage1 thus all places where ,i have been1 thus men's faces whom ,i have seen1 and things reported by the other senses2 thus the health or sickness of the body4 ,for when these things were present1 my memory received from them images1 which being present with me1 ,i might look on and bring back in my mind1 when ,i remembered them in their absence4 ,if then this forgetfulness is retained in the memory through its image1 not through itself1 then plainly itself was once present1 that its image might be taken4 ,but when it was present1 how did it write its image in the memory1 seeing that forgetfulness by its presence effaces even what it finds already noted8 ,and yet1 in whatever way1 although that way be past conceiving and explaining1 yet certain am ,i that ,i remember forgetfulness itself also1 whereby what we remember is effaced4 ,great is the power of memory1 a fearful thing1 ,o my ,god1 a deep and boundless manifoldness2 and this thing is the mind1 and this am ,i myself4 ,what am ,i then1 ,o my ,god8 ,what nature am ,i8 ,a life various and manifold1 and exceeding immense4 ,behold in the plains1 and caves1 and caverns of my memory1 innumerable and innumerably full of innumerable kinds of things1 either through images1 as all bodies2 or by actual presence1 as the arts2 or by certain notions or impressions1 as the affections of the mind1 which1 even when the mind doth not feel1 the memory retaineth1 while yet whatsoever is in the memory is also in the mind--over all these do ,i run1 ,i fly2 ,i dive on this side and on that1 as far as ,i can1 and there is no end4 ,so great is the force of memory1 so great the force of life1 even in the mortal life of man4 ,what shall ,i do then1 ,o ,thou my true life1 my ,god8 ,i will pass even beyond this power of mine which is called memory3 yea1 ,i will pass beyond it1 that ,i may approach unto ,thee1 ,o sweet ,light4 ,what sayest ,thou to me8 ,see1 ,i am mounting up through my mind towards ,thee who abidest above me4 ,yea1 ,i now will pass beyond this power of mine which is called memory1 desirous to arrive at ,thee1 whence ,thou mayest be arrived at2 and to cleave unto ,thee1 whence one may cleave unto ,thee4 ,for even beasts and birds have memory2 else could they not return to their dens and nests1 nor many other things they are used unto3 nor indeed could they be used to any thing1 but by memory4 ,i will pass then beyond memory also1 that ,i may arrive at ,him who hath separated me from the four-footed beasts and made me wiser than the fowls of the air1 ,i will pass beyond memory also1 and where shall ,i find ,thee1 ,thou truly good and certain sweetness8 ,and where shall ,i find ,thee8 ,if ,i find ,thee without my memory1 then do ,i not retain ,thee in my memory4 ,and how shall ,i find ,thee1 if ,i remember ,thee not8 ,for the woman that had lost her groat1 and sought it with a light2 unless she had remembered it1 she had never found it4 ,for when it was found1 whence should she know whether it were the same1 unless she remembered it8 ,i remember to have sought and found many a thing2 and this ,i thereby know1 that when ,i was seeking any of them1 and was asked1 ,is this it8 ,is that it8 so long said ,i ,no1 until that were offered me which ,i sought4 ,which had ,i not remembered 7whatever it were7 though it were offered me1 yet should ,i not find it1 because ,i could not recognise it4 ,and so it ever is1 when we seek and find any lost thing4 ,notwithstanding1 when any thing is by chance lost from the sight1 not from the memory 7as any visible body71 yet its image is still retained within1 and it is sought until it be restored to sight2 and when it is found1 it is recognised by the image which is within3 nor do we say that we have found what was lost1 unless we recognise it2 nor can we recognise it1 unless we remember it4 ,but this was lost to the eyes1 but retained in the memory4 ,but what when the memory itself loses any thing1 as falls out when we forget and seek that we may recollect8 ,where in the end do we search1 but in the memory itself8 and there1 if one thing be perchance offered instead of another1 we reject it1 until what we seek meets us2 and when it doth1 we say1 ,this is it2 which we should not unless we recognised it1 nor recognise it unless we remembered it4 ,certainly then we had forgotten it4 ,or1 had not the whole escaped us1 but by the part whereof we had hold1 was the lost part sought for2 in that the memory felt that it did not carry on together all which it was wont1 and maimed1 as it were1 by the curtailment of its ancient habit1 demanded the restoration of what it missed8 ,for instance1 if we see or think of some one known to us1 and having forgotten his name1 try to recover it2 whatever else occurs1 connects itself not therewith2 because it was not wont to be thought upon together with him1 and therefore is rejected1 until that present itself1 whereon the knowledge reposes equably as its wonted object4 ,and whence does that present itself1 but out of the memory itself8 for even when we recognise it1 on being reminded by another1 it is thence it comes4 ,for we do not believe it as something new1 but1 upon recollection1 allow what was named to be right4 ,but were it utterly blotted out of the mind1 we should not remember it1 even when reminded4 ,for we have not as yet utterly forgotten that1 which we remember ourselves to have forgotten4 ,what then we have utterly forgotten1 though lost1 we cannot even seek after4 ,how then do ,i seek ,thee1 ,o ,lord8 ,for when ,i seek ,thee1 my ,god1 ,i seek a happy life4 ,i will seek ,thee1 that my soul may live4 ,for my body liveth by my soul2 and my soul by ,thee4 ,how then do ,i seek a happy life1 seeing ,i have it not1 until ,i can say1 where ,i ought to say it1 ,it is enough8 ,how seek ,i it8 ,by remembrance1 as though ,i had forgotten it1 remembering that ,i had forgotten it8 ,or1 desiring to learn it as a thing unknown1 either never having known1 or so forgotten it1 as not even to remember that ,i had forgotten it8 is not a happy life what all will1 and no one altogether wills it not8 where have they known it1 that they so will it8 where seen it1 that they so love it8 ,truly we have it1 how1 ,i know not4 ,yea1 there is another way1 wherein when one hath it1 then is he happy2 and there are1 who are blessed1 in hope4 ,these have it in a lower kind1 than they who have it in very deed2 yet are they better off than such as are happy neither in deed nor in hope4 ,yet even these1 had they it not in some sort1 would not so will to be happy1 which that they do will1 is most certain4 ,they have known it then1 ,i know not how1 and so have it by some sort of knowledge1 what1 ,i know not1 and am perplexed whether it be in the memory1 which if it be1 then we have been happy once2 whether all severally1 or in that man who first sinned1 in whom also we all died1 and from whom we are all born with misery1 ,i now enquire not2 but only1 whether the happy life be in the memory8 ,for neither should we love it1 did we not know it4 ,we hear the name1 and we all confess that we desire the thing2 for we are not delighted with the mere sound4 ,for when a ,greek hears it in ,latin1 he is not delighted1 not knowing what is spoken2 but we ,latins are delighted1 as would he too1 if he heard it in ,greek2 because the thing itself is neither ,greek nor ,latin1 which ,greeks and ,latins1 and men of all other tongues1 long for so earnestly4 ,known therefore it is to all1 for they with one voice be asked1 would they be happy8 they would answer without doubt1 they would4 ,and this could not be1 unless the thing itself whereof it is the name were retained in their memory4 ,but is it so1 as one remembers ,carthage who hath seen it8 ,no4 ,for a happy life is not seen with the eye1 because it is not a body4 ,as we remember numbers then8 ,no4 ,for these1 he that hath in his knowledge1 seeks not further to attain unto2 but a happy life we have in our knowledge1 and therefore love it1 and yet still desire to attain it1 that we may be happy4 ,as we remember eloquence then8 ,no4 ,for although upon hearing this name also1 some call to mind the thing1 who still are not yet eloquent1 and many who desire to be so1 whence it appears that it is in their knowledge2 yet these have by their bodily senses observed others to be eloquent1 and been delighted1 and desire to be the like 7though indeed they would not be delighted but for some inward knowledge thereof1 nor wish to be the like1 unless they were thus delighted72 whereas a happy life1 we do by no bodily sense experience in others4 ,as then we remember joy8 ,perchance2 for my joy ,i remember1 even when sad1 as a happy life1 when unhappy2 nor did ,i ever with bodily sense see1 hear1 smell1 taste1 or touch my joy2 but ,i experienced it in my mind1 when ,i rejoiced2 and the knowledge of it clave to my memory1 so that ,i can recall it with disgust sometimes1 at others with longing1 according to the nature of the things1 wherein ,i remember myself to have joyed4 ,for even from foul things have ,i been immersed in a sort of joy2 which now recalling1 ,i detest and execrate2 otherwhiles in good and honest things1 which ,i recall with longing1 although perchance no longer present2 and therefore with sadness ,i recall former joy4 ,where then and when did ,i experience my happy life1 that ,i should remember1 and love1 and long for it8 ,nor is it ,i alone1 or some few besides1 but we all would fain be happy2 which1 unless by some certain knowledge we knew1 we should not with so certain a will desire4 ,but how is this1 that if two men be asked whether they would go to the wars1 one1 perchance1 would answer that he would1 the other1 that he would not2 but if they were asked whether they would be happy1 both would instantly without any doubting say they would2 and for no other reason would the one go to the wars1 and the other not1 but to be happy4 ,is it perchance that as one looks for his joy in this thing1 another in that1 all agree in their desire of being happy1 as they would 7if they were asked7 that they wished to have joy1 and this joy they call a happy life8 ,although then one obtains this joy by one means1 another by another1 all have one end1 which they strive to attain1 namely1 joy4 ,which being a thing which all must say they have experienced1 it is therefore found in the memory1 and recognised whenever the name of a happy life is mentioned4 ,far be it1 ,lord1 far be it from the heart of ,thy servant who here confesseth unto ,thee1 far be it1 that1 be the joy what it may1 ,i should therefore think myself happy4 ,for there is a joy which is not given to the ungodly1 but to those who love ,thee for ,thine own sake1 whose joy ,thou ,thyself art4 ,and this is the happy life1 to rejoice to ,thee1 of ,thee1 for ,thee2 this is it1 and there is no other4 ,for they who think there is another1 pursue some other and not the true joy4 ,yet is not their will turned away from some semblance of joy4 ,it is not certain then that all wish to be happy1 inasmuch as they who wish not to joy in ,thee1 which is the only happy life1 do not truly desire the happy life4 ,or do all men desire this1 but because the flesh lusteth against the ,spirit1 and the ,spirit against the flesh1 that they cannot do what they would1 they fall upon that which they can1 and are content therewith2 because1 what they are not able to do1 they do not will so strongly as would suffice to make them able8 ,for ,i ask any one1 had he rather joy in truth1 or in falsehood8 ,they will as little hesitate to say in the truth1 as to say that they desire to be happy1 for a happy life is joy in the truth3 for this is a joying in ,thee1 ,who art the ,truth1 ,o ,god my light1 health of my countenance1 my ,god4 ,this is the happy life which all desire2 this life which alone is happy1 all desire2 to joy in the truth all desire4 ,i have met with many that would deceive2 who would be deceived1 no one4 ,where then did they know this happy life1 save where they know the truth also8 ,for they love it also1 since they would not be deceived4 ,and when they love a happy life1 which is no other than joying in the truth1 then also do they love the truth2 which yet they would not love1 were there not some notice of it in their memory4 ,why then joy they not in it8 why are they not happy8 because they are more strongly taken up with other things which have more power to make them miserable1 than that which they so faintly remember to make them happy4 ,for there is yet a little light in men2 let them walk1 let them walk1 that the darkness overtake them not4 ,but why doth truth generate hatred1 and the man of ,thine1 preaching the truth1 become an enemy to them8 whereas a happy life is loved1 which is nothing else but joying in the truth2 unless that truth is in that kind loved1 that they who love anything else would gladly have that which they love to be the truth3 and because they would not be deceived1 would not be convinced that they are so8 ,therefore do they hate the truth for that thing's sake which they loved instead of the truth4 ,they love truth when she enlightens1 they hate her when she reproves4 ,for since they would not be deceived1 and would deceive1 they love her when she discovers herself unto them1 and hate her when she discovers them4 ,whence she shall so repay them1 that they who would not be made manifest by her1 she both against their will makes manifest1 and herself becometh not manifest unto them4 ,thus1 thus1 yea thus doth the mind of man1 thus blind and sick1 foul and ill-favoured1 wish to be hidden1 but that aught should be hidden from it1 it wills not4 ,but the contrary is requited it1 that itself should not be hidden from the ,truth2 but the ,truth is hid from it4 ,yet even thus miserable1 it had rather joy in truths than in falsehoods4 ,happy then will it be1 when1 no distraction interposing1 it shall joy in that only ,truth1 by ,whom all things are true4 ,see what a space ,i have gone over in my memory seeking ,thee1 ,o ,lord2 and ,i have not found ,thee1 without it4 ,nor have ,i found any thing concerning ,thee1 but what ,i have kept in memory1 ever since ,i learnt ,thee4 ,for since ,i learnt ,thee1 ,i have not forgotten ,thee4 ,for where ,i found ,truth1 there found ,i my ,god1 the ,truth itself2 which since ,i learnt1 ,i have not forgotten4 ,since then ,i learnt ,thee1 ,thou residest in my memory2 and there do ,i find ,thee1 when ,i call ,thee to remembrance1 and delight in ,thee4 ,these be my holy delights1 which ,thou hast given me in ,thy mercy1 having regard to my poverty4 ,but where in my memory residest ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 where residest ,thou there8 what manner of lodging hast ,thou framed for ,thee8 what manner of sanctuary hast ,thou builded for ,thee8 ,thou hast given this honour to my memory1 to reside in it2 but in what quarter of it ,thou residest1 that am ,i considering4 ,for in thinking on ,thee1 ,i passed beyond such parts of it as the beasts also have1 for ,i found ,thee not there among the images of corporeal things3 and ,i came to those parts to which ,i committed the affections of my mind1 nor found ,thee there4 ,and ,i entered into the very seat of my mind 7which it hath in my memory1 inasmuch as the mind remembers itself also71 neither wert ,thou there3 for as ,thou art not a corporeal image1 nor the affection of a living being 7as when we rejoice1 condole1 desire1 fear1 remember1 forget1 or the like72 so neither art ,thou the mind itself2 because ,thou art the ,lord ,god of the mind2 and all these are changed1 but ,thou remainest unchangeable over all1 and yet hast vouchsafed to dwell in my memory1 since ,i learnt ,thee4 ,and why seek ,i now in what place thereof ,thou dwellest1 as if there were places therein8 ,sure ,i am1 that in it ,thou dwellest1 since ,i have remembered ,thee ever since ,i learnt ,thee1 and there ,i find ,thee1 when ,i call ,thee to remembrance4 ,where then did ,i find ,thee1 that ,i might learn ,thee8 ,for in my memory ,thou wert not1 before ,i learned ,thee4 ,where then did ,i find ,thee1 that ,i might learn ,thee1 but in ,thee above me8 ,place there is none2 we go backward and forward1 and there is no place4 ,every where1 ,o ,truth1 dost ,thou give audience to all who ask counsel of ,thee1 and at once answerest all1 though on manifold matters they ask ,thy counsel4 ,clearly dost ,thou answer1 though all do not clearly hear4 ,all consult ,thee on what they will1 though they hear not always what they will4 ,he is ,thy best servant who looks not so much to hear that from ,thee which himself willeth1 as rather to will that1 which from ,thee he heareth4 ,too late loved ,i ,thee1 ,o ,thou ,beauty of ancient days1 yet ever new6 too late ,i loved ,thee6 ,and behold1 ,thou wert within1 and ,i abroad1 and there ,i searched for ,thee2 deformed ,i1 plunging amid those fair forms which ,thou hadst made4 ,thou wert with me1 but ,i was not with ,thee4 ,things held me far from ,thee1 which1 unless they were in ,thee1 were not at all4 ,thou calledst1 and shoutedst1 and burstest my deafness4 ,thou flashedst1 shonest1 and scatteredst my blindness4 ,thou breathedst odours1 and ,i drew in breath and panted for ,thee4 ,i tasted1 and hunger and thirst4 ,thou touchedst me1 and ,i burned for ,thy peace4 ,when ,i shall with my whole self cleave to ,thee1 ,i shall no where have sorrow or labour2 and my life shall wholly live1 as wholly full of ,thee4 ,but now since whom ,thou fillest1 ,thou liftest up1 because ,i am not full of ,thee ,i am a burden to myself4 ,lamentable joys strive with joyous sorrows3 and on which side is the victory1 ,i know not4 ,woe is me6 ,lord1 have pity on me4 ,my evil sorrows strive with my good joys2 and on which side is the victory1 ,i know not4 ,woe is me6 ,lord1 have pity on me4 ,woe is me6 lo6 ,i hide not my wounds2 ,thou art the ,physician1 ,i the sick2 ,thou merciful1 ,i miserable4 ,is not the life of man upon earth all trial8 ,who wishes for troubles and difficulties8 ,thou commandest them to be endured1 not to be loved4 ,no man loves what he endures1 though he love to endure4 ,for though he rejoices that he endures1 he had rather there were nothing for him to endure4 ,in adversity ,i long for prosperity1 in prosperity ,i fear adversity4 ,what middle place is there betwixt these two1 where the life of man is not all trial8 ,woe to the prosperities of the world1 once and again1 through fear of adversity1 and corruption of joy6 ,woe to the adversities of the world1 once and again1 and the third time1 from the longing for prosperity1 and because adversity itself is a hard thing1 and lest it shatter endurance4 ,is not the life of man upon earth all trial3 without any interval8 ,and all my hope is no where but in ,thy exceeding great mercy4 ,give what ,thou enjoinest1 and enjoin what ,thou wilt4 ,thou enjoinest us continency2 and when ,i knew1 saith one1 that no man can be continent1 unless ,god give it1 this also was a part of wisdom to know whose gift she is4 ,by continency verily are we bound up and brought back into ,one1 whence we were dissipated into many4 ,for too little doth he love ,thee1 who loves any thing with ,thee1 which he loveth not for ,thee4 ,o love1 who ever burnest and never consumest6 ,o charity1 my ,god1 kindle me4 ,thou enjoinest continency3 give me what ,thou enjoinest1 and enjoin what ,thou wilt4 ,verily ,thou enjoinest me continency from the lust of the flesh1 the lust of the eyes1 and the ambition of the world4 ,thou enjoinest continency from concubinage2 and for wedlock itself1 ,thou hast counselled something better than what ,thou hast permitted4 ,and since ,thou gavest it1 it was done1 even before ,i became a dispenser of ,thy ,sacrament4 ,but there yet live in my memory 7whereof ,i have much spoken7 the images of such things as my ill custom there fixed2 which haunt me1 strengthless when ,i am awake3 but in sleep1 not only so as to give pleasure1 but even to obtain assent1 and what is very like reality4 ,yea1 so far prevails the illusion of the image1 in my soul and in my flesh1 that1 when asleep1 false visions persuade to that which when waking1 the true cannot4 ,am ,i not then myself1 ,o ,lord my ,god8 ,and yet there is so much difference betwixt myself and myself1 within that moment wherein ,i pass from waking to sleeping1 or return from sleeping to waking6 ,where is reason then1 which1 awake1 resisteth such suggestions8 ,and should the things themselves be urged on it1 it remaineth unshaken4 ,is it clasped up with the eyes8 is it lulled asleep with the senses of the body8 ,and whence is it that often even in sleep we resist1 and mindful of our purpose1 and abiding most chastely in it1 yield no assent to such enticements8 ,and yet so much difference there is1 that when it happeneth otherwise1 upon waking we return to peace of conscience3 and by this very difference discover that we did not1 what yet we be sorry that in some way it was done in us4 ,art ,thou not mighty1 ,god ,almighty1 so as to heal all the diseases of my soul1 and by ,thy more abundant grace to quench even the impure motions of my sleep6 ,thou wilt increase1 ,lord1 ,thy gifts more and more in me1 that my soul may follow me to ,thee1 disentangled from the birdlime of concupiscence2 that it rebel not against itself1 and even in dreams not only not1 through images of sense1 commit those debasing corruptions1 even to pollution of the flesh1 but not even to consent unto them4 ,for that nothing of this sort should have1 over the pure affections even of a sleeper1 the very least influence1 not even such as a thought would restrain1--to work this1 not only during life1 but even at my present age1 is not hard for the ,almighty1 ,who art able to do above all that we ask or think4 ,but what ,i yet am in this kind of my evil1 have ,i confessed unto my good ,lord2 rejoicing with trembling1 in that which ,thou hast given me1 and bemoaning that wherein ,i am still imperfect2 hoping that ,thou wilt perfect ,thy mercies in me1 even to perfect peace1 which my outward and inward man shall have with ,thee1 when death shall be swallowed up in victory4 ,there is another evil of the day1 which ,i would were sufficient for it4 ,for by eating and drinking we repair the daily decays of our body1 until ,thou destroy both belly and meat1 when ,thou shalt slay my emptiness with a wonderful fulness1 and clothe this incorruptible with an eternal incorruption4 ,but now the necessity is sweet unto me1 against which sweetness ,i fight1 that ,i be not taken captive2 and carry on a daily war by fastings2 often bringing my body into subjection2 and my pains are removed by pleasure4 ,for hunger and thirst are in a manner pains2 they burn and kill like a fever1 unless the medicine of nourishments come to our aid4 ,which since it is at hand through the consolations of ,thy gifts1 with which land1 and water1 and air serve our weakness1 our calamity is termed gratification4 ,this hast ,thou taught me1 that ,i should set myself to take food as physic4 ,but while ,i am passing from the discomfort of emptiness to the content of replenishing1 in the very passage the snare of concupiscence besets me4 ,for that passing1 is pleasure1 nor is there any other way to pass thither1 whither we needs must pass4 ,and health being the cause of eating and drinking1 there joineth itself as an attendant a dangerous pleasure1 which mostly endeavours to go before it1 so that ,i may for her sake do what ,i say ,i do1 or wish to do1 for health's sake4 ,nor have each the same measure2 for what is enough for health1 is too little for pleasure4 ,and oft it is uncertain1 whether it be the necessary care of the body which is yet asking for sustenance1 or whether a voluptuous deceivableness of greediness is proffering its services4 ,in this uncertainty the unhappy soul rejoiceth1 and therein prepares an excuse to shield itself1 glad that it appeareth not what sufficeth for the moderation of health1 that under the cloak of health1 it may disguise the matter of gratification4 ,these temptations ,i daily endeavour to resist1 and ,i call on ,thy right hand1 and to ,thee do ,i refer my perplexities2 because ,i have as yet no settled counsel herein4 ,i hear the voice of my ,god commanding1 ,let not your hearts be overcharged with surfeiting and drunkenness4 ,drunkenness is far from me2 ,thou wilt have mercy1 that it come not near me4 ,but full feeding sometimes creepeth upon ,thy servant2 ,thou wilt have mercy1 that it may be far from me4 ,for no one can be continent unless ,thou give it4 ,many things ,thou givest us1 praying for them2 and what good soever we have received before we prayed1 from ,thee we received it2 yea to the end we might afterwards know this1 did we before receive it4 ,drunkard was ,i never1 but drunkards have ,i known made sober by ,thee4 ,from ,thee then it was1 that they who never were such1 should not so be1 as from ,thee it was1 that they who have been1 should not ever so be2 and from ,thee it was1 that both might know from ,whom it was4 ,i heard another voice of ,thine1 ,go not after thy lusts1 and from thy pleasure turn away4 ,yea by ,thy favour have ,i heard that which ,i have much loved2 neither if we eat1 shall we abound2 neither if we eat not1 shall we lack2 which is to say1 neither shall the one make me plenteous1 nor the other miserable4 ,i heard also another1 for ,i have learned in whatsoever state ,i am1 therewith to be content2 ,i know how to abound1 and how to suffer need4 ,i can do all things through ,christ that strengtheneth me4 ,behold a soldier of the heavenly camp1 not the dust which we are4 ,but remember1 ,lord1 that we are dust1 and that of dust ,thou hast made man2 and he was lost and is found4 ,nor could he of himself do this1 because he whom ,i so loved1 saying this through the in-breathing of ,thy inspiration1 was of the same dust4 ,i can do all things 7saith he7 through ,him that strengtheneth me4 ,strengthen me1 that ,i can4 ,give what ,thou enjoinest1 and enjoin what ,thou wilt4 ,he confesses to have received1 and when he glorieth1 in the ,lord he glorieth4 ,another have ,i heard begging that he might receive4 ,take from me 7saith he7 the desires of the belly2 whence it appeareth1 ,o my holy ,god1 that ,thou givest1 when that is done which ,thou commandest to be done4 ,thou hast taught me1 good ,father1 that to the pure1 all things are pure2 but that it is evil unto the man that eateth with offence2 and1 that every creature of ,thine is good1 and nothing to be refused1 which is received with thanksgiving2 and that meat commendeth us not to ,god2 and1 that no man should judge us in meat or drink2 and1 that he which eateth1 let him not despise him that eateth not2 and let not him that eateth not1 judge him that eateth4 ,these things have ,i learned1 thanks be to ,thee1 praise to ,thee1 my ,god1 my ,master1 knocking at my ears1 enlightening my heart2 deliver me out of all temptation4 ,i fear not uncleanness of meat1 but the uncleanness of lusting4 ,i know2 that ,noah was permitted to eat all kind of flesh that was good for food2 that ,elijah was fed with flesh2 that endued with an admirable abstinence1 was not polluted by feeding on living creatures1 locusts4 ,i know also that ,esau was deceived by lusting for lentiles2 and that ,david blamed himself for desiring a draught of water2 and that our ,king was tempted1 not concerning flesh1 but bread4 ,and therefore the people in the wilderness also deserved to be reproved1 not for desiring flesh1 but because1 in the desire of food1 they murmured against the ,lord4 ,placed then amid these temptations1 ,i strive daily against concupiscence in eating and drinking4 ,for it is not of such nature that ,i can settle on cutting it off once for all1 and never touching it afterward1 as ,i could of concubinage4 ,the bridle of the throat then is to be held attempered between slackness and stiffness4 ,and who is he1 ,o ,lord1 who is not some whit transported beyond the limits of necessity8 whoever he is1 he is a great one2 let him make ,thy ,name great4 ,but ,i am not such1 for ,i am a sinful man4 ,yet do ,i too magnify ,thy name2 and ,he maketh intercession to ,thee for my sins who hath overcome the world2 numbering me among the weak members of ,his body2 because ,thine eyes have seen that of ,him which is imperfect1 and in ,thy book shall all be written4 ,with the allurements of smells1 ,i am not much concerned4 ,when absent1 ,i do not miss them2 when present1 ,i do not refuse them2 yet ever ready to be without them4 ,so ,i seem to myself2 perchance ,i am deceived4 ,for that also is a mournful darkness whereby my abilities within me are hidden from me2 so that my mind making enquiry into herself of her own powers1 ventures not readily to believe herself2 because even what is in it is mostly hidden1 unless experience reveal it4 ,and no one ought to be secure in that life1 the whole whereof is called a trial1 that he who hath been capable of worse to be made better1 may not likewise of better be made worse4 ,our only hope1 only confidence1 only assured promise is ,thy mercy4 ,the delights of the ear had more firmly entangled and subdued me2 but ,thou didst loosen and free me4 ,now1 in those melodies which ,thy words breathe soul into1 when sung with a sweet and attuned voice1 ,i do a little repose2 yet not so as to be held thereby1 but that ,i can disengage myself when ,i will4 ,but with the words which are their life and whereby they find admission into me1 themselves seek in my affections a place of some estimation1 and ,i can scarcely assign them one suitable4 ,for at one time ,i seem to myself to give them more honour than is seemly1 feeling our minds to be more holily and fervently raised unto a flame of devotion1 by the holy words themselves when thus sung1 than when not2 and that the several affections of our spirit1 by a sweet variety1 have their own proper measures in the voice and singing1 by some hidden correspondence wherewith they are stirred up4 ,but this contentment of the flesh1 to which the soul must not be given over to be enervated1 doth oft beguile me1 the sense not so waiting upon reason as patiently to follow her2 but having been admitted merely for her sake1 it strives even to run before her1 and lead her4 ,thus in these things ,i unawares sin1 but afterwards am aware of it4 ,at other times1 shunning over-anxiously this very deception1 ,i err in too great strictness2 and sometimes to that degree1 as to wish the whole melody of sweet music which is used to ,david's ,psalter1 banished from my ears1 and the ,church's too2 and that mode seems to me safer1 which ,i remember to have been often told me of ,athanasius1 ,bishop of ,alexandria1 who made the reader of the psalm utter it with so slight inflection of voice1 that it was nearer speaking than singing4 ,yet again1 when ,i remember the tears ,i shed at the ,psalmody of ,thy ,church1 in the beginning of my recovered faith2 and how at this time ,i am moved1 not with the singing1 but with the things sung1 when they are sung with a clear voice and modulation most suitable1 ,i acknowledge the great use of this institution4 ,thus ,i fluctuate between peril of pleasure and approved wholesomeness2 inclined the rather 7though not as pronouncing an irrevocable opinion7 to approve of the usage of singing in the church2 that so by the delight of the ears the weaker minds may rise to the feeling of devotion4 ,yet when it befalls me to be more moved with the voice than the words sung1 ,i confess to have sinned penally1 and then had rather not hear music4 ,see now my state2 weep with me1 and weep for me1 ye1 whoso regulate your feelings within1 as that good action ensues4 ,for you who do not act1 these things touch not you4 ,but ,thou1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 hearken2 behold1 and see1 and have mercy and heal me1 ,thou1 in whose presence ,i have become a problem to myself2 and that is my infirmity4 ,there remains the pleasure of these eyes of my flesh1 on which to make my confessions in the hearing of the ears of ,thy temple1 those brotherly and devout ears2 and so to conclude the temptations of the lust of the flesh1 which yet assail me1 groaning earnestly1 and desiring to be clothed upon with my house from heaven4 ,the eyes love fair and varied forms1 and bright and soft colours4 ,let not these occupy my soul2 let ,god rather occupy it1 who made these things1 very good indeed1 yet is ,he my good1 not they4 ,and these affect me1 waking1 the whole day1 nor is any rest given me from them1 as there is from musical1 sometimes in silence1 from all voices4 ,for this queen of colours1 the light1 bathing all which we behold1 wherever ,i am through the day1 gliding by me in varied forms1 soothes me when engaged on other things1 and not observing it4 ,and so strongly doth it entwine itself1 that if it be suddenly withdrawn1 it is with longing sought for1 and if absent long1 saddeneth the mind4 ,o ,thou ,light1 which ,tobias saw1 when1 these eyes closed1 he taught his son the way of life2 and himself went before with the feet of charity1 never swerving4 ,or which ,isaac saw1 when his fleshly eyes being heavy and closed by old age1 it was vouchsafed him1 not knowingly1 to bless his sons1 but by blessing to know them4 ,or which ,jacob saw1 when he also1 blind through great age1 with illumined heart1 in the persons of his sons shed light on the different races of the future people1 in them foresignified2 and laid his hands1 mystically crossed1 upon his grandchildren by ,joseph1 not as their father by his outward eye corrected them1 but as himself inwardly discerned4 ,this is the light1 it is one1 and all are one1 who see and love it4 ,but that corporeal light whereof ,i spake1 it seasoneth the life of this world for her blind lovers1 with an enticing and dangerous sweetness4 ,but they who know how to praise ,thee for it1 ,o all-creating ,lord1 take it up in ,thy hymns1 and are not taken up with it in their sleep4 ,such would ,i be4 ,these seductions of the eyes ,i resist1 lest my feet wherewith ,i walk upon ,thy way be ensnared2 and ,i lift up mine invisible eyes to ,thee1 that ,thou wouldest pluck my feet out of the snare4 ,thou dost ever and anon pluck them out1 for they are ensnared4 ,thou ceasest not to pluck them out1 while ,i often entangle myself in the snares on all sides laid2 because ,thou that keepest ,israel shalt neither slumber nor sleep4 ,what innumerable toys1 made by divers arts and manufactures1 in our apparel1 shoes1 utensils and all sorts of works1 in pictures also and divers images1 and these far exceeding all necessary and moderate use and all pious meaning1 have men added to tempt their own eyes withal2 outwardly following what themselves make1 inwardly forsaking ,him by whom themselves were made1 and destroying that which themselves have been made6 ,but ,i1 my ,god and my ,glory1 do hence also sing a hymn to ,thee1 and do consecrate praise to ,him who consecrateth me1 because those beautiful patterns which through men's souls are conveyed into their cunning hands1 come from that ,beauty1 which is above our souls1 which my soul day and night sigheth after4 ,but the framers and followers of the outward beauties derive thence the rule of judging of them1 but not of using them4 ,and ,he is there1 though they perceive ,him not1 that so they might not wander1 but keep their strength for ,thee1 and not scatter it abroad upon pleasurable weariness4 ,and ,i1 though ,i speak and see this1 entangle my steps with these outward beauties2 but ,thou pluckest me out1 ,o ,lord1 ,thou pluckest me out2 because ,thy loving-kindness is before my eyes4 ,for ,i am taken miserably1 and ,thou pluckest me out mercifully2 sometimes not perceiving it1 when ,i had but lightly lighted upon them2 otherwhiles with pain1 because ,i had stuck fast in them4 ,to this is added another form of temptation more manifoldly dangerous4 ,for besides that concupiscence of the flesh which consisteth in the delight of all senses and pleasures1 wherein its slaves1 who go far from ,thee1 waste and perish1 the soul hath1 through the same senses of the body1 a certain vain and curious desire1 veiled under the title of knowledge and learning1 not of delighting in the flesh1 but of making experiments through the flesh4 ,the seat whereof being in the appetite of knowledge1 and sight being the sense chiefly used for attaining knowledge1 it is in ,divine language called ,the lust of the eyes4 ,for1 to see1 belongeth properly to the eyes2 yet we use this word of the other senses also1 when we employ them in seeking knowledge4 ,for we do not say1 hark how it flashes1 or smell how it glows1 or taste how it shines1 or feel how it gleams2 for all these are said to be seen4 ,and yet we say not only1 see how it shineth1 which the eyes alone can perceive2 but also1 see how it soundeth1 see how it smelleth1 see how it tasteth1 see how hard it is4 ,and so the general experience of the senses1 as was said1 is called ,the lust of the eyes1 because the office of seeing1 wherein the eyes hold the prerogative1 the other senses by way of similitude take to themselves1 when they make search after any knowledge4 ,but by this may more evidently be discerned1 wherein pleasure and wherein curiosity is the object of the senses2 for pleasure seeketh objects beautiful1 melodious1 fragrant1 savoury1 soft2 but curiosity1 for trial's sake1 the contrary as well1 not for the sake of suffering annoyance1 but out of the lust of making trial and knowing them4 ,for what pleasure hath it1 to see in a mangled carcase what will make you shudder8 and yet if it be lying near1 they flock thither1 to be made sad1 and to turn pale4 ,even in sleep they are afraid to see it4 ,as if when awake1 any one forced them to see it1 or any report of its beauty drew them thither6 ,thus also in the other senses1 which it were long to go through4 ,from this disease of curiosity are all those strange sights exhibited in the theatre4 ,hence men go on to search out the hidden powers of nature 7which is besides our end71 which to know profits not1 and wherein men desire nothing but to know4 ,hence also1 if with that same end of perverted knowledge magical arts be enquired by4 ,hence also in religion itself1 is ,god tempted1 when signs and wonders are demanded of ,him1 not desired for any good end1 but merely to make trial of4 ,in this so vast wilderness1 full of snares and dangers1 behold many of them ,i have cut off1 and thrust out of my heart1 as ,thou hast given me1 ,o ,god of my salvation4 ,and yet when dare ,i say1 since so many things of this kind buzz on all sides about our daily life--when dare ,i say that nothing of this sort engages my attention1 or causes in me an idle interest8 ,true1 the theatres do not now carry me away1 nor care ,i to know the courses of the stars1 nor did my soul ever consult ghosts departed2 all sacrilegious mysteries ,i detest4 ,from ,thee1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 to whom ,i owe humble and single-hearted service1 by what artifices and suggestions doth the enemy deal with me to desire some sign6 ,but ,i beseech ,thee by our ,king1 and by our pure and holy country1 ,jerusalem1 that as any consenting thereto is far from me1 so may it ever be further and further4 ,but when ,i pray ,thee for the salvation of any1 my end and intention is far different4 ,thou givest and wilt give me to follow ,thee willingly1 doing what ,thou wilt4 ,notwithstanding1 in how many most petty and contemptible things is our curiosity daily tempted1 and how often we give way1 who can recount8 ,how often do we begin as if we were tolerating people telling vain stories1 lest we offend the weak2 then by degrees we take interest therein6 ,i go not now to the circus to see a dog coursing a hare2 but in the field1 if passing1 that coursing peradventure will distract me even from some weighty thought1 and draw me after it3 not that ,i turn aside the body of my beast1 yet still incline my mind thither4 ,and unless ,thou1 having made me see my infirmity didst speedily admonish me either through the sight itself by some contemplation to rise towards ,thee1 or altogether to despise and pass it by1 ,i dully stand fixed therein4 ,what1 when sitting at home1 a lizard catching flies1 or a spider entangling them rushing into her nets1 oft-times takes my attention8 ,is the thing different1 because they are but small creatures8 ,i go on from them to praise ,thee the wonderful ,creator and ,orderer of all1 but this does not first draw my attention4 ,it is one thing to rise quickly1 another not to fall4 ,and of such things is my life full2 and my one hope is ,thy wonderful great mercy4 ,for when our heart becomes the receptacle of such things1 and is overcharged with throngs of this abundant vanity1 then are our prayers also thereby often interrupted and distracted1 and whilst in ,thy presence we direct the voice of our heart to ,thine ears1 this so great concern is broken off by the rushing in of ,i know not what idle thoughts4 ,shall we then account this also among things of slight concernment1 or shall aught bring us back to hope1 save ,thy complete mercy1 since ,thou hast begun to change us8 ,and ,thou knowest how far ,thou hast already changed me1 who first healedst me of the lust of vindicating myself1 that so ,thou mightest forgive all the rest of my iniquities1 and heal all my infirmities1 and redeem life from corruption1 and crown me with mercy and pity1 and satisfy my desire with good things3 who didst curb my pride with ,thy fear1 and tame my neck to ,thy yoke4 ,and now ,i bear it and it is light unto me1 because so hast ,thou promised1 and hast made it2 and verily so it was1 and ,i knew it not1 when ,i feared to take it4 ,but1 ,o ,lord1 ,thou alone ,lord without pride1 because ,thou art the only true ,lord1 who hast no lord2 hath this third kind of temptation also ceased from me1 or can it cease through this whole life8 ,to wish1 namely1 to be feared and loved of men1 for no other end1 but that we may have a joy therein which is no joy8 ,a miserable life this and a foul boastfulness6 ,hence especially it comes that men do neither purely love nor fear ,thee4 ,and therefore dost ,thou resist the proud1 and givest grace to the humble3 yea1 ,thou thunderest down upon the ambitions of the world1 and the foundations of the mountains tremble4 ,because now certain offices of human society make it necessary to be loved and feared of men1 the adversary of our true blessedness layeth hard at us1 every where spreading his snares of well-done1 well-done2 that greedily catching at them1 we may be taken unawares1 and sever our joy from ,thy truth1 and set it in the deceivingness of men2 and be pleased at being loved and feared1 not for ,thy sake1 but in ,thy stead3 and thus having been made like him1 he may have them for his own1 not in the bands of charity1 but in the bonds of punishment3 who purposed to set his throne in the north1 that dark and chilled they might serve him1 pervertedly and crookedly imitating ,thee4 ,but we1 ,o ,lord1 behold we are ,thy little flock2 possess us as ,thine1 stretch ,thy wings over us1 and let us fly under them4 ,be ,thou our glory2 let us be loved for ,thee1 and ,thy word feared in us4 ,who would be praised of men when ,thou blamest1 will not be defended of men when ,thou judgest2 nor delivered when ,thou condemnest4 ,but when--not the sinner is praised in the desires of his soul1 nor he blessed who doth ungodlily1 but--a man is praised for some gift which ,thou hast given him1 and he rejoices more at the praise for himself than that he hath the gift for which he is praised1 he also is praised1 while ,thou dispraisest2 better is he who praised than he who is praised4 ,for the one took pleasure in the gift of ,god in man2 the other was better pleased with the gift of man1 than of ,god4 ,by these temptations we are assailed daily1 ,o ,lord2 without ceasing are we assailed4 ,our daily furnace is the tongue of men4 ,and in this way also ,thou commandest us continence4 ,give what ,thou enjoinest1 and enjoin what ,thou wilt4 ,thou knowest on this matter the groans of my heart1 and the floods of mine eyes4 ,for ,i cannot learn how far ,i am more cleansed from this plague1 and ,i much fear my secret sins1 which ,thine eyes know1 mine do not4 ,for in other kinds of temptations ,i have some sort of means of examining myself2 in this1 scarce any4 ,for1 in refraining my mind from the pleasures of the flesh and idle curiosity1 ,i see how much ,i have attained to1 when ,i do without them2 foregoing1 or not having them4 ,for then ,i ask myself how much more or less troublesome it is to me not to have them8 ,then1 riches1 which are desired1 that they may serve to some one or two or all of the three concupiscences1 if the soul cannot discern whether1 when it hath them1 it despiseth them1 they may be cast aside1 that so it may prove itself4 ,but to be without praise1 and therein essay our powers1 must we live ill1 yea so abandonedly and atrociously1 that no one should know without detesting us8 ,what greater madness can be said or thought of8 ,but if praise useth and ought to accompany a good life and good works1 we ought as little to forego its company1 as good life itself4 ,yet ,i know not whether ,i can well or ill be without anything1 unless it be absent4 ,what then do ,i confess unto ,thee in this kind of temptation1 ,o ,lord8 ,what1 but that ,i am delighted with praise1 but with truth itself1 more than with praise8 ,for were it proposed to me1 whether ,i would1 being frenzied in error on all things1 be praised by all men1 or being consistent and most settled in the truth be blamed by all1 ,i see which ,i should choose4 ,yet fain would ,i that the approbation of another should not even increase my joy for any good in me4 ,yet ,i own1 it doth increase it1 and not so only1 but dispraise doth diminish it4 ,and when ,i am troubled at this my misery1 an excuse occurs to me1 which of what value it is1 ,thou ,god knowest1 for it leaves me uncertain4 ,for since ,thou hast commanded us not continency alone1 that is1 from what things to refrain our love1 but righteousness also1 that is1 whereon to bestow it1 and hast willed us to love not ,thee only1 but our neighbour also2 often1 when pleased with intelligent praise1 ,i seem to myself to be pleased with the proficiency or towardliness of my neighbour1 or to be grieved for evil in him1 when ,i hear him dispraise either what he understands not1 or is good4 ,for sometimes ,i am grieved at my own praise1 either when those things be praised in me1 in which ,i mislike myself1 or even lesser and slight goods are more esteemed than they ought4 ,but again how know ,i whether ,i am therefore thus affected1 because ,i would not have him who praiseth me differ from me about myself2 not as being influenced by concern for him1 but because those same good things which please me in myself1 please me more when they please another also8 ,for some how ,i am not praised when my judgment of myself is not praised2 forasmuch as either those things are praised1 which displease me2 or those more1 which please me less4 ,am ,i then doubtful of myself in this matter8 ,behold1 in ,thee1 ,o ,truth1 ,i see that ,i ought not to be moved at my own praises1 for my own sake1 but for the good of my neighbour4 ,and whether it be so with me1 ,i know not4 ,for herein ,i know less of myself than of ,thee4 ,i beseech now1 ,o my ,god1 discover to me myself also1 that ,i may confess unto my brethren1 who are to pray for me1 wherein ,i find myself maimed4 ,let me examine myself again more diligently4 ,if in my praise ,i am moved with the good of my neighbour1 why am ,i less moved if another be unjustly dispraised than if it be myself8 ,why am ,i more stung by reproach cast upon myself1 than at that cast upon another1 with the same injustice1 before me8 ,know ,i not this also8 or is it at last that ,i deceive myself1 and do not the truth before ,thee in my heart and tongue8 ,this madness put far from me1 ,o ,lord1 lest mine own mouth be to me the sinner's oil to make fat my head4 ,i am poor and needy2 yet best1 while in hidden groanings ,i displease myself1 and seek ,thy mercy1 until what is lacking in my defective state be renewed and perfected1 on to that peace which the eye of the proud knoweth not4 ,yet the word which cometh out of the mouth1 and deeds known to men1 bring with them a most dangerous temptation through the love of praise3 which1 to establish a certain excellency of our own1 solicits and collects men's suffrages4 ,it tempts1 even when it is reproved by myself in myself1 on the very ground that it is reproved2 and often glories more vainly of the very contempt of vain-glory2 and so it is no longer contempt of vain-glory1 whereof it glories2 for it doth not contemn when it glorieth4 ,within also1 within is another evil1 arising out of a like temptation2 whereby men become vain1 pleasing themselves in themselves1 though they please not1 or displease or care not to please others4 ,but pleasing themselves1 they much displease ,thee1 not only taking pleasure in things not good1 as if good1 but in ,thy good things1 as though their own2 or even if as ,thine1 yet as though for their own merits2 or even if as though from ,thy grace1 yet not with brotherly rejoicing1 but envying that grace to others4 ,in all these and the like perils and travails1 ,thou seest the trembling of my heart2 and ,i rather feel my wounds to be cured by ,thee1 than not inflicted by me4 ,where hast ,thou not walked with me1 ,o ,truth1 teaching me what to beware1 and what to desire2 when ,i referred to ,thee what ,i could discover here below1 and consulted ,thee8 ,with my outward senses1 as ,i might1 ,i surveyed the world1 and observed the life1 which my body hath from me1 and these my senses4 ,thence entered ,i the recesses of my memory1 those manifold and spacious chambers1 wonderfully furnished with innumerable stores2 and ,i considered1 and stood aghast2 being able to discern nothing of these things without ,thee1 and finding none of them to be ,thee4 ,nor was ,i myself1 who found out these things1 who went over them all1 and laboured to distinguish and to value every thing according to its dignity1 taking some things upon the report of my senses1 questioning about others which ,i felt to be mingled with myself1 numbering and distinguishing the reporters themselves1 and in the large treasure-house of my memory revolving some things1 storing up others1 drawing out others4 ,nor yet was ,i myself when ,i did this1 i4e41 that my power whereby ,i did it1 neither was it ,thou1 for ,thou art the abiding light1 which ,i consulted concerning all these1 whether they were1 what they were1 and how to be valued2 and ,i heard ,thee directing and commanding me2 and this ,i often do1 this delights me1 and as far as ,i may be freed from necessary duties1 unto this pleasure have ,i recourse4 ,nor in all these which ,i run over consulting ,thee can ,i find any safe place for my soul1 but in ,thee2 whither my scattered members may be gathered1 and nothing of me depart from ,thee4 ,and sometimes ,thou admittest me to an affection1 very unusual1 in my inmost soul2 rising to a strange sweetness1 which if it were perfected in me1 ,i know not what in it would not belong to the life to come4 ,but through my miserable encumbrances ,i sink down again into these lower things1 and am swept back by former custom1 and am held1 and greatly weep1 but am greatly held4 ,so much doth the burden of a bad custom weigh us down4 ,here ,i can stay1 but would not2 there ,i would1 but cannot2 both ways1 miserable4 ,thus then have ,i considered the sicknesses of my sins in that threefold concupiscence1 and have called ,thy right hand to my help4 ,for with a wounded heart have ,i beheld ,thy brightness1 and stricken back ,i said1 ,who can attain thither8 ,i am cast away from the sight of ,thine eyes4 ,thou art the ,truth who presidest over all1 but ,i through my covetousness would not indeed forego ,thee1 but would with ,thee possess a lie2 as no man would in such wise speak falsely1 as himself to be ignorant of the truth4 ,so then ,i lost ,thee1 because ,thou vouchsafest not to be possessed with a lie4 ,whom could ,i find to reconcile me to ,thee8 was ,i to have recourse to ,angels8 by what prayers8 by what sacraments8 ,many endeavouring to return unto ,thee1 and of themselves unable1 have1 as ,i hear1 tried this1 and fallen into the desire of curious visions1 and been accounted worthy to be deluded4 ,for they1 being high minded1 sought ,thee by the pride of learning1 swelling out rather than smiting upon their breasts1 and so by the agreement of their heart1 drew unto themselves the princes of the air1 the fellow-conspirators of their pride1 by whom1 through magical influences1 they were deceived1 seeking a mediator1 by whom they might be purged1 and there was none4 ,for the devil it was1 transforming himself into an ,angel of light4 ,and it much enticed proud flesh1 that he had no body of flesh4 ,for they were mortal1 and sinners2 but thou1 ,lord1 to whom they proudly sought to be reconciled1 art immortal1 and without sin4 ,but a mediator between ,god and man must have something like to ,god1 something like to men2 lest being in both like to man1 he should be far from ,god3 or if in both like ,god1 too unlike man3 and so not be a mediator4 ,that deceitful mediator then1 by whom in ,thy secret judgments pride deserved to be deluded1 hath one thing in common with man1 that is sin2 another he would seem to have in common with ,god2 and not being clothed with the mortality of flesh1 would vaunt himself to be immortal4 ,but since the wages of sin is death1 this hath he in common with men1 that with them he should be condemned to death4 ,but the true ,mediator1 ,whom in ,thy secret mercy ,thou hast showed to the humble1 and sentest1 that by ,his example also they might learn that same humility1 that ,mediator between ,god and man1 the ,man ,christ ,jesus1 appeared betwixt mortal sinners and the immortal just ,one2 mortal with men1 just with ,god3 that because the wages of righteousness is life and peace1 ,he might by a righteousness conjoined with ,god make void that death of sinners1 now made righteous1 which ,he willed to have in common with them4 ,hence ,he was showed forth to holy men of old2 that so they1 through faith in ,his ,passion to come1 as we through faith of it passed1 might be saved4 ,for as ,man1 ,he was a ,mediator2 but as the ,word1 not in the middle between ,god and man1 because equal to ,god1 and ,god with ,god1 and together one ,god4 ,how hast ,thou loved us1 good ,father1 who sparedst not ,thine only ,son1 but deliveredst ,him up for us ungodly6 ,how hast ,thou loved us1 for whom ,he that thought it no robbery to be equal with ,thee1 was made subject even to the death of the cross1 ,he alone1 free among the dead1 having power to lay down ,his life1 and power to take it again3 for us to ,thee both ,victor and ,victim1 and therefore ,victor1 because the ,victim2 for us to ,thee ,priest and ,sacrifice1 and therefore ,priest because the ,sacrifice2 making us to ,thee1 of servants1 sons by being born of ,thee1 and serving us4 ,well then is my hope strong in ,him1 that ,thou wilt heal all my infirmities1 by ,him ,who sitteth at ,thy right hand and maketh intercession for us2 else should ,i despair4 ,for many and great are my infirmities1 many they are1 and great2 but ,thy medicine is mightier4 ,we might imagine that ,thy ,word was far from any union with man1 and despair of ourselves1 unless ,he had been made flesh and dwelt among us4 ,affrighted with my sins and the burden of my misery1 ,i had cast in my heart1 and had purposed to flee to the wilderness3 but ,thou forbadest me1 and strengthenedst me1 saying1 ,therefore ,christ died for all1 that they which live may now no longer live unto themselves1 but unto ,him that died for them4 ,see1 ,lord1 ,i cast my care upon ,thee1 that ,i may live1 and consider wondrous things out of ,thy law4 ,thou knowest my unskilfulness1 and my infirmities2 teach me1 and heal me4 ,he1 ,thine only ,son1 in ,whom are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge1 hath redeemed me with ,his blood4 ,let not the proud speak evil of me2 because ,i meditate on my ransom1 and eat and drink1 and communicate it2 and poor1 desired to be satisfied from ,him1 amongst those that eat and are satisfied1 and they shall praise the ,lord who seek ,him4 ,,book ,,xi ,lord1 since eternity is ,thine1 art ,thou ignorant of what ,i say to ,thee8 or dost ,thou see in time1 what passeth in time8 ,why then do ,i lay in order before ,thee so many relations8 ,not1 of a truth1 that ,thou mightest learn them through me1 but to stir up mine own and my readers' devotions towards ,thee1 that we may all say1 ,great is the ,lord1 and greatly to be praised4 ,i have said already2 and again will say1 for love of ,thy love do ,i this4 ,for we pray also1 and yet ,truth hath said1 ,your ,father knoweth what you have need of1 before you ask4 ,it is then our affections which we lay open unto ,thee1 confessing our own miseries1 and ,thy mercies upon us1 that ,thou mayest free us wholly1 since ,thou hast begun1 that we may cease to be wretched in ourselves1 and be blessed in ,thee2 seeing ,thou hast called us1 to become poor in spirit1 and meek1 and mourners1 and hungering and athirst after righteousness1 and merciful1 and pure in heart1 and peace-makers4 ,see1 ,i have told ,thee many things1 as ,i could and as ,i would1 because ,thou first wouldest that ,i should confess unto ,thee1 my ,lord ,god4 ,for ,thou art good1 for ,thy mercy endureth for ever4 ,but how shall ,i suffice with the tongue of my pen to utter all ,thy exhortations1 and all ,thy terrors1 and comforts1 and guidances1 whereby ,thou broughtest me to preach ,thy ,word1 and dispense ,thy ,sacrament to ,thy people8 ,and if ,i suffice to utter them in order1 the drops of time are precious with me2 and long have ,i burned to meditate in ,thy law1 and therein to confess to ,thee my skill and unskilfulness1 the day-break of ,thy enlightening1 and the remnants of my darkness1 until infirmity be swallowed up by strength4 ,and ,i would not have aught besides steal away those hours which ,i find free from the necessities of refreshing my body and the powers of my mind1 and of the service which we owe to men1 or which though we owe not1 we yet pay4 ,o ,lord my ,god1 give ear unto my prayer1 and let ,thy mercy hearken unto my desire3 because it is anxious not for myself alone1 but would serve brotherly charity2 and ,thou seest my heart1 that so it is4 ,i would sacrifice to ,thee the service of my thought and tongue2 do ,thou give me1 what ,i may offer ,thee4 ,for ,i am poor and needy1 ,thou rich to all that call upon ,thee2 ,who1 inaccessible to care1 carest for us4 ,circumcise from all rashness and all lying both my inward and outward lips3 let ,thy ,scriptures be my pure delights3 let me not be deceived in them1 nor deceive out of them4 ,lord1 hearken and pity1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 ,light of the blind1 and ,strength of the weak2 yea also ,light of those that see1 and ,strength of the strong2 hearken unto my soul1 and hear it crying out of the depths4 ,for if ,thine ears be not with us in the depths also1 whither shall we go8 whither cry8 ,the day is ,thine1 and the night is ,thine2 at ,thy beck the moments flee by4 ,grant thereof a space for our meditations in the hidden things of ,thy law1 and close it not against us who knock4 ,for not in vain wouldest ,thou have the darksome secrets of so many pages written2 nor are those forests without their harts which retire therein and range and walk2 feed1 lie down1 and ruminate4 ,perfect me1 ,o ,lord1 and reveal them unto me4 ,behold1 ,thy voice is my joy2 ,thy voice exceedeth the abundance of pleasures4 ,give what ,i love3 for ,i do love2 and this hast ,thou given3 forsake not ,thy own gifts1 nor despise ,thy green herb that thirsteth4 ,let me confess unto ,thee whatsoever ,i shall find in ,thy books1 and hear the voice of praise1 and drink in ,thee1 and meditate on the wonderful things out of ,thy law2 even from the beginning1 wherein ,thou madest the heaven and the earth1 unto the everlasting reigning of ,thy holy city with ,thee4 ,lord1 have mercy on me1 and hear my desire4 ,for it is not1 ,i deem1 of the earth1 not of gold and silver1 and precious stones1 or gorgeous apparel1 or honours and offices1 or the pleasures of the flesh1 or necessaries for the body and for this life of our pilgrimage3 all which shall be added unto those that seek ,thy kingdom and ,thy righteousness4 ,behold1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 wherein is my desire4 ,the wicked have told me of delights1 but not such as ,thy law1 ,o ,lord4 ,behold1 wherein is my desire4 ,behold1 ,father1 behold1 and see and approve2 and be it pleasing in the sight of ,thy mercy1 that ,i may find grace before ,thee1 that the inward parts of ,thy words be opened to me knocking4 ,i beseech by our ,lord ,jesus ,christ ,thy ,son1 the ,man of ,thy right hand1 the ,son of man1 whom ,thou hast established for ,thyself1 as ,thy ,mediator and ours1 through ,whom ,thou soughtest us1 not seeking ,thee1 but soughtest us1 that we might seek ,thee1--,thy ,word1 through ,whom ,thou madest all things1 and among them1 me also2--,thy ,only-,begotten1 through ,whom ,thou calledst to adoption the believing people1 and therein me also2--,i beseech ,thee by ,him1 who sitteth at ,thy right hand1 and intercedeth with ,thee for us1 in ,whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge4 ,these do ,i seek in ,thy books4 ,of ,him did ,moses write2 this saith ,himself2 this saith the ,truth4 ,i would hear and understand1 how ,in the ,beginning ,thou madest the heaven and earth4 ,moses wrote this1 wrote and departed1 passed hence from ,thee to ,thee2 nor is he now before me4 ,for if he were1 ,i would hold him and ask him1 and beseech him by ,thee to open these things unto me1 and would lay the ears of my body to the sounds bursting out of his mouth4 ,and should he speak ,hebrew1 in vain will it strike on my senses1 nor would aught of it touch my mind2 but if ,latin1 ,i should know what he said4 ,but whence should ,i know1 whether he spake truth8 ,yea1 and if ,i knew this also1 should ,i know it from him8 ,truly within me1 within1 in the chamber of my thoughts1 ,truth1 neither ,hebrew1 nor ,greek1 nor ,latin1 nor barbarian1 without organs of voice or tongue1 or sound of syllables1 would say1 ,it is truth1 and ,i forthwith should say confidently to that man of ,thine1 thou sayest truly4 ,whereas then ,i cannot enquire of him1 ,thee1 ,thee ,i beseech1 ,o ,truth1 full of ,whom he spake truth1 ,thee1 my ,god1 ,i beseech1 forgive my sins2 and ,thou1 who gavest him ,thy servant to speak these things1 give to me also to understand them4 ,behold1 the heavens and the earth are2 they proclaim that they were created2 for they change and vary4 ,whereas whatsoever hath not been made1 and yet is1 hath nothing in it1 which before it had not2 and this it is1 to change and vary4 ,they proclaim also1 that they made not themselves2 therefore we are1 because we have been made2 we were not therefore1 before we were1 so as to make ourselves4 ,now the evidence of the thing1 is the voice of the speakers4 ,thou therefore1 ,lord1 madest them2 who art beautiful1 for they are beautiful2 who art good1 for they are good2 who art1 for they are2 yet are they not beautiful nor good1 nor are they1 as ,thou their ,creator art2 compared with ,whom1 they are neither beautiful1 nor good1 nor are4 ,this we know1 thanks be to ,thee4 ,and our knowledge1 compared with ,thy knowledge1 is ignorance4 ,but how didst ,thou make the heaven and the earth8 and what the engine of ,thy so mighty fabric8 ,for it was not as a human artificer1 forming one body from another1 according to the discretion of his mind1 which can in some way invest with such a form1 as it seeth in itself by its inward eye4 ,and whence should he be able to do this1 unless ,thou hadst made that mind8 and he invests with a form what already existeth1 and hath a being1 as clay1 or stone1 or wood1 or gold1 or the like4 ,and whence should they be1 hadst not ,thou appointed them8 ,thou madest the artificer his body1 ,thou the mind commanding the limbs1 ,thou the matter whereof he makes any thing2 ,thou the apprehension whereby to take in his art1 and see within what he doth without2 ,thou the sense of his body1 whereby1 as by an interpreter1 he may from mind to matter1 convey that which he doth1 and report to his mind what is done2 that it within may consult the truth1 which presideth over itself1 whether it be well done or no4 ,all these praise ,thee1 the ,creator of all4 ,but how dost ,thou make them8 how1 ,o ,god1 didst ,thou make heaven and earth8 ,verily1 neither in the heaven1 nor in the earth1 didst ,thou make heaven and earth2 nor in the air1 or waters1 seeing these also belong to the heaven and the earth2 nor in the whole world didst ,thou make the whole world2 because there was no place where to make it1 before it was made1 that it might be4 ,nor didst ,thou hold any thing in ,thy hand1 whereof to make heaven and earth4 ,for whence shouldest ,thou have this1 which ,thou hadst not made1 thereof to make any thing8 ,for what is1 but because ,thou art8 ,therefore ,thou spokest1 and they were made1 and in ,thy ,word ,thou madest them4 ,but how didst ,thou speak8 ,in the way that the voice came out of the cloud1 saying1 ,this is my beloved ,son8 ,for that voice passed by and passed away1 began and ended2 the syllables sounded and passed away1 the second after the first1 the third after the second1 and so forth in order1 until the last after the rest1 and silence after the last4 ,whence it is abundantly clear and plain that the motion of a creature expressed it1 itself temporal1 serving ,thy eternal will4 ,and these ,thy words1 created for a time1 the outward ear reported to the intelligent soul1 whose inward ear lay listening to ,thy ,eternal ,word4 ,but she compared these words sounding in time1 with that ,thy ,eternal ,word in silence1 and said ,it is different1 far different4 ,these words are far beneath me1 nor are they1 because they flee and pass away2 but the ,word of my ,lord abideth above me for ever4 ,if then in sounding and passing words ,thou saidst that heaven and earth should be made1 and so madest heaven and earth1 there was a corporeal creature before heaven and earth1 by whose motions in time that voice might take his course in time4 ,but there was nought corporeal before heaven and earth2 or if there were1 surely ,thou hadst1 without such a passing voice1 created that1 whereof to make this passing voice1 by which to say1 ,let the heaven and the earth be made4 ,for whatsoever that were1 whereof such a voice were made1 unless by ,thee it were made1 it could not be at all4 ,by what ,word then didst ,thou speak1 that a body might be made1 whereby these words again might be made8 ,thou callest us then to understand the ,word1 ,god1 with ,thee ,god1 ,which is spoken eternally1 and by ,it are all things spoken eternally4 ,for what was spoken was not spoken successively1 one thing concluded that the next might be spoken1 but all things together and eternally4 ,else have we time and change2 and not a true eternity nor true immortality4 ,this ,i know1 ,o my ,god1 and give thanks4 ,i know1 ,i confess to ,thee1 ,o ,lord1 and with me there knows and blesses ,thee1 whoso is not unthankful to assure ,truth4 ,we know1 ,lord1 we know2 since inasmuch as anything is not which was1 and is1 which was not1 so far forth it dieth and ariseth4 ,nothing then of ,thy ,word doth give place or replace1 because ,it is truly immortal and eternal4 ,and therefore unto the ,word coeternal with ,thee ,thou dost at once and eternally say all that ,thou dost say2 and whatever ,thou sayest shall be made is made2 nor dost ,thou make1 otherwise than by saying2 and yet are not all things made together1 or everlasting1 which ,thou makest by saying4 ,why1 ,i beseech ,thee1 ,o ,lord my ,god8 ,i see it in a way2 but how to express it1 ,i know not1 unless it be1 that whatsoever begins to be1 and leaves off to be1 begins then1 and leaves off then1 when in ,thy eternal ,reason it is known1 that it ought to begin or leave off2 in which ,reason nothing beginneth or leaveth off4 ,this is ,thy ,word1 which is also the ,beginning1 because also ,it speaketh unto us4 ,thus in the ,gospel ,he speaketh through the flesh2 and this sounded outwardly in the ears of men2 that it might be believed and sought inwardly1 and found in the eternal ,verity2 where the good and only ,master teacheth all ,his disciples4 ,there1 ,lord1 hear ,i ,thy voice speaking unto me2 because ,he speaketh us1 who teacheth us2 but ,he that teacheth us not1 though ,he speaketh1 to us ,he speaketh not4 ,who now teacheth us1 but the unchangeable ,truth8 for even when we are admonished through a changeable creature2 we are but led to the unchangeable ,truth2 where we learn truly1 while we stand and hear ,him1 and rejoice greatly because of the ,bridegroom's voice1 restoring us to ,him1 from ,whom we are4 ,and therefore the ,beginning1 because unless ,it abided1 there should not1 when we went astray1 be whither to return4 ,but when we return from error1 it is through knowing2 and that we may know1 ,he teacheth us1 because ,he is the ,beginning1 and speaking unto us4 ,in this ,beginning1 ,o ,god1 hast ,thou made heaven and earth1 in ,thy ,word1 in ,thy ,son1 in ,thy ,power1 in ,thy ,wisdom1 in ,thy ,truth2 wondrously speaking1 and wondrously making4 ,who shall comprehend8 ,who declare it8 ,what is that which gleams through me1 and strikes my heart without hurting it2 and ,i shudder and kindle8 ,i shudder1 inasmuch as ,i am unlike it2 ,i kindle1 inasmuch as ,i am like it4 ,it is ,wisdom1 ,wisdom's self which gleameth through me2 severing my cloudiness which yet again mantles over me1 fainting from it1 through the darkness which for my punishment gathers upon me4 ,for my strength is brought down in need1 so that ,i cannot support my blessings1 till ,thou1 ,lord1 ,who hast been gracious to all mine iniquities1 shalt heal all my infirmities4 ,for ,thou shalt also redeem my life from corruption1 and crown me with loving kindness and tender mercies1 and shalt satisfy my desire with good things1 because my youth shall be renewed like an eagle's4 ,for in hope we are saved1 wherefore we through patience wait for ,thy promises4 ,let him that is able1 hear ,thee inwardly discoursing out of ,thy oracle3 ,i will boldly cry out1 ,how wonderful are ,thy works1 ,o ,lord1 in ,wisdom hast ,thou made them all2 and this ,wisdom is the ,beginning1 and in that ,beginning didst ,thou make heaven and earth4 ,lo1 are they not full of their old leaven1 who say to us1 ,what was ,god doing before ,he made heaven and earth8 ,for if 7say they7 ,he were unemployed and wrought not1 why does ,he not also henceforth1 and for ever1 as ,he did heretofore8 ,for did any new motion arise in ,god1 and a new will to make a creature1 which ,he had never before made1 how then would that be a true eternity1 where there ariseth a will1 which was not8 ,for the will of ,god is not a creature1 but before the creature2 seeing nothing could be created1 unless the will of the ,creator had preceded4 ,the will of ,god then belongeth to ,his very ,substance4 ,and if aught have arisen in ,god's ,substance1 which before was not1 that ,substance cannot be truly called eternal4 ,but if the will of ,god has been from eternity that the creature should be1 why was not the creature also from eternity8 ,who speak thus1 do not yet understand ,thee1 ,o ,wisdom of ,god1 ,light of souls1 understand not yet how the things be made1 which by ,thee1 and in ,thee are made3 yet they strive to comprehend things eternal1 whilst their heart fluttereth between the motions of things past and to come1 and is still unstable4 ,who shall hold it1 and fix it1 that it be settled awhile1 and awhile catch the glory of that ever-fixed ,eternity1 and compare it with the times which are never fixed1 and see that it cannot be compared2 and that a long time cannot become long1 but out of many motions passing by1 which cannot be prolonged altogether2 but that in the ,eternal nothing passeth1 but the whole is present2 whereas no time is all at once present3 and that all time past1 is driven on by time to come1 and all to come followeth upon the past2 and all past and to come1 is created1 and flows out of that which is ever present8 ,who shall hold the heart of man1 that it may stand still1 and see how eternity ever still-standing1 neither past nor to come1 uttereth the times past and to come8 ,can my hand do this1 or the hand of my mouth by speech bring about a thing so great8 ,see1 ,i answer him that asketh1 ,what did ,god before ,he made heaven and earth8 ,i answer not as one is said to have done merrily 7eluding the pressure of the question71 ,he was preparing hell 7saith he7 for pryers into mysteries4 ,it is one thing to answer enquiries1 another to make sport of enquirers4 ,so ,i answer not2 for rather had ,i answer1 ,i know not1 what ,i know not1 than so as to raise a laugh at him who asketh deep things and gain praise for one who answereth false things4 ,but ,i say that ,thou1 our ,god1 art the ,creator of every creature3 and if by the name heaven and earth1 every creature be understood2 ,i boldly say1 that before ,god made heaven and earth1 ,he did not make any thing4 ,for if ,he made1 what did ,he make but a creature8 ,and would ,i knew whatsoever ,i desire to know to my profit1 as ,i know1 that no creature was made1 before there was made any creature4 ,but if any excursive brain rove over the images of forepassed times1 and wonder that ,thou the ,god ,almighty and ,all-creating and ,all-supporting1 ,maker of heaven and earth1 didst for innumerable ages forbear from so great a work1 before ,thou wouldest make it2 let him awake and consider1 that he wonders at false conceits4 ,for whence could innumerable ages pass by1 which ,thou madest not1 ,thou the ,author and ,creator of all ages8 or what times should there be1 which were not made by ,thee8 or how should they pass by1 if they never were8 ,seeing then ,thou art the ,creator of all times1 if any time was before ,thou madest heaven and earth1 why say they that ,thou didst forego working8 ,for that very time didst ,thou make1 nor could times pass by1 before ,thou madest those times4 ,but if before heaven and earth there was no time1 why is it demanded1 what ,thou then didst8 ,for there was no then1 when there was no time4 ,nor dost ,thou by time1 precede time3 else shouldest ,thou not precede all times4 ,but ,thou precedest all things past1 by the sublimity of an ever-present eternity2 and surpassest all future because they are future1 and when they come1 they shall be past2 but ,thou art the ,same1 and ,thy years fail not4 ,thy years neither come nor go2 whereas ours both come and go1 that they all may come4 ,thy years stand together1 because they do stand2 nor are departing thrust out by coming years1 for they pass not away2 but ours shall all be1 when they shall no more be4 ,thy years are one day2 and ,thy day is not daily1 but ,to-day1 seeing ,thy ,to-day gives not place unto tomorrow1 for neither doth it replace yesterday4 ,thy ,to-day1 is ,eternity2 therefore didst ,thou beget ,the ,coeternal1 to whom ,thou saidst1 ,this day have ,i begotten ,thee4 ,thou hast made all things2 and before all times ,thou art3 neither in any time was time not4 ,at no time then hadst ,thou not made any thing1 because time itself ,thou madest4 ,and no times are coeternal with ,thee1 because ,thou abidest2 but if they abode1 they should not be times4 ,for what is time8 ,who can readily and briefly explain this8 ,who can even in thought comprehend it1 so as to utter a word about it8 ,but what in discourse do we mention more familiarly and knowingly1 than time8 ,and1 we understand1 when we speak of it2 we understand also1 when we hear it spoken of by another4 ,what then is time8 ,if no one asks me1 ,i know3 if ,i wish to explain it to one that asketh1 ,i know not3 yet ,i say boldly that ,i know1 that if nothing passed away1 time past were not2 and if nothing were coming1 a time to come were not2 and if nothing were1 time present were not4 ,those two times then1 past and to come1 how are they1 seeing the past now is not1 and that to come is not yet8 ,but the present1 should it always be present1 and never pass into time past1 verily it should not be time1 but eternity4 ,if time present 7if it is to be time7 only cometh into existence1 because it passeth into time past1 how can we say that either this is1 whose cause of being is1 that it shall not be2 so1 namely1 that we cannot truly say that time is1 but because it is tending not to be8 ,and yet we say1 a long time and a short time2 still1 only of time past or to come4 ,a long time past 7for example7 we call an hundred years since2 and a long time to come1 an hundred years hence4 ,but a short time past1 we call 7suppose7 often days since2 and a short time to come1 often days hence4 ,but in what sense is that long or short1 which is not8 ,for the past1 is not now2 and the future1 is not yet4 ,let us not then say1 it is long2 but of the past1 it hath been long2 and of the future1 it will be long4 ,o my ,lord1 my ,light1 shall not here also ,thy ,truth mock at man8 ,for that past time which was long1 was it long when it was now past1 or when it was yet present8 ,for then might it be long1 when there was1 what could be long2 but when past1 it was no longer2 wherefore neither could that be long1 which was not at all4 ,let us not then say1 time past hath been long3 for we shall not find1 what hath been long1 seeing that since it was past1 it is no more1 but let us say1 that present time was long2 because1 when it was present1 it was long4 ,for it had not yet passed away1 so as not to be2 and therefore there was1 what could be long2 but after it was past1 that ceased also to be long1 which ceased to be4 ,let us see then1 thou soul of man1 whether present time can be long3 for to thee it is given to feel and to measure length of time4 ,what wilt thou answer me8 ,are an hundred years1 when present1 a long time8 ,see first1 whether an hundred years can be present4 ,for if the first of these years be now current1 it is present1 but the other ninety and nine are to come1 and therefore are not yet1 but if the second year be current1 one is now past1 another present1 the rest to come4 ,and so if we assume any middle year of this hundred to be present1 all before it1 are past2 all after it1 to come2 wherefore an hundred years cannot be present4 ,but see at least whether that one which is now current1 itself is present2 for if the current month be its first1 the rest are to come2 if the second1 the first is already past1 and the rest are not yet4 ,therefore1 neither is the year now current present2 and if not present as a whole1 then is not the year present4 ,for twelve months are a year2 of which whatever by the current month is present2 the rest past1 or to come4 ,although neither is that current month present2 but one day only2 the rest being to come1 if it be the first2 past1 if the last2 if any of the middle1 then amid past and to come4 ,see how the present time1 which alone we found could be called long1 is abridged to the length scarce of one day4 ,but let us examine that also2 because neither is one day present as a whole4 ,for it is made up of four and twenty hours of night and day3 of which1 the first hath the rest to come2 the last hath them past2 and any of the middle hath those before it past1 those behind it to come4 ,yea1 that one hour passeth away in flying particles4 ,whatsoever of it hath flown away1 is past2 whatsoever remaineth1 is to come4 ,if an instant of time be conceived1 which cannot be divided into the smallest particles of moments1 that alone is it1 which may be called present4 ,which yet flies with such speed from future to past1 as not to be lengthened out with the least stay4 ,for if it be1 it is divided into past and future4 ,the present hath no space4 ,where then is the time1 which we may call long8 ,is it to come8 ,of it we do not say1 it is long2 because it is not yet1 so as to be long2 but we say1 it will be long4 ,when therefore will it be8 ,for if even then1 when it is yet to come1 it shall not be long 7because what can be long1 as yet is not71 and so it shall then be long1 when from future which as yet is not1 it shall begin now to be1 and have become present1 that so there should exist what may be long2 then does time present cry out in the words above1 that it cannot be long4 ,and yet1 ,lord1 we perceive intervals of times1 and compare them1 and say1 some are shorter1 and others longer4 ,we measure also1 how much longer or shorter this time is than that2 and we answer1 ,this is double1 or treble2 and that1 but once1 or only just so much as that4 ,but we measure times as they are passing1 by perceiving them2 but past1 which now are not1 or the future1 which are not yet1 who can measure8 unless a man shall presume to say1 that can be measured1 which is not4 ,when then time is passing1 it may be perceived and measured2 but when it is past1 it cannot1 because it is not4 ,i ask1 ,father1 ,i affirm not3 ,o my ,god1 rule and guide me4 ,who will tell me that there are not three times 7as we learned when boys1 and taught boys71 past1 present1 and future2 but present only1 because those two are not8 ,or are they also2 and when from future it becometh present1 doth it come out of some secret place2 and so1 when retiring1 from present it becometh past8 ,for where did they1 who foretold things to come1 see them1 if as yet they be not8 ,for that which is not1 cannot be seen4 ,and they who relate things past1 could not relate them1 if in mind they did not discern them1 and if they were not1 they could no way be discerned4 ,things then past and to come1 are4 ,permit me1 ,lord1 to seek further4 ,o my hope1 let not my purpose be confounded4 ,for if times past and to come be1 ,i would know where they be4 ,which yet if ,i cannot1 yet ,i know1 wherever they be1 they are not there as future1 or past1 but present4 ,for if there also they be future1 they are not yet there2 if there also they be past1 they are no longer there4 ,wheresoever then is whatsoever is1 it is only as present4 ,although when past facts are related1 there are drawn out of the memory1 not the things themselves which are past1 but words which1 conceived by the images of the things1 they1 in passing1 have through the senses left as traces in the mind4 ,thus my childhood1 which now is not1 is in time past1 which now is not3 but now when ,i recall its image1 and tell of it1 ,i behold it in the present1 because it is still in my memory4 ,whether there be a like cause of foretelling things to come also2 that of things which as yet are not1 the images may be perceived before1 already existing1 ,i confess1 ,o my ,god1 ,i know not4 ,this indeed ,i know1 that we generally think before on our future actions1 and that that forethinking is present1 but the action whereof we forethink is not yet1 because it is to come4 ,which1 when we have set upon1 and have begun to do what we were forethinking1 then shall that action be2 because then it is no longer future1 but present4 ,which way soever then this secret fore-perceiving of things to come be2 that only can be seen1 which is4 ,but what now is1 is not future1 but present4 ,when then things to come are said to be seen1 it is not themselves which as yet are not 7that is1 which are to be71 but their causes perchance or signs are seen1 which already are4 ,therefore they are not future but present to those who now see that1 from which the future1 being foreconceived in the mind1 is foretold4 ,which fore-conceptions again now are2 and those who foretell those things1 do behold the conceptions present before them4 ,let now the numerous variety of things furnish me some example4 ,i behold the day-break1 ,i foreshow1 that the sun1 is about to rise4 ,what ,i behold1 is present2 what ,i foresignify1 to come2 not the sun1 which already is2 but the sun-rising1 which is not yet4 ,and yet did ,i not in my mind imagine the sun-rising itself 7as now while ,i speak of it71 ,i could not foretell it4 ,but neither is that day-break which ,i discern in the sky1 the sun-rising1 although it goes before it2 nor that imagination of my mind2 which two are seen now present1 that the other which is to be may be foretold4 ,future things then are not yet3 and if they be not yet1 they are not3 and if they are not1 they cannot be seen2 yet foretold they may be from things present1 which are already1 and are seen4 ,thou then1 ,ruler of ,thy creation1 by what way dost ,thou teach souls things to come8 ,for ,thou didst teach ,thy ,prophets4 ,by what way dost ,thou1 to whom nothing is to come1 teach things to come2 or rather of the future1 dost teach things present8 ,for1 what is not1 neither can it be taught4 ,too far is this way of my ken3 it is too mighty for me1 ,i cannot attain unto it2 but from ,thee ,i can1 when ,thou shalt vouchsafe it1 ,o sweet light of my hidden eyes4 ,what now is clear and plain is1 that neither things to come nor past are4 ,nor is it properly said1 there be three times1 past1 present1 and to come3 yet perchance it might be properly said1 there be three times2 a present of things past1 a present of things present1 and a present of things future4 ,for these three do exist in some sort1 in the soul1 but otherwhere do ,i not see them2 present of things past1 memory2 present of things present1 sight2 present of things future1 expectation4 ,if thus we be permitted to speak1 ,i see three times1 and ,i confess there are three4 ,let it be said too1 there be three times1 past1 present1 and to come3 in our incorrect way4 ,see1 ,i object not1 nor gainsay1 nor find fault1 if what is so said be but understood1 that neither what is to be1 now is1 nor what is past4 ,for but few things are there1 which we speak properly1 most things improperly2 still the things intended are understood4 ,i said then even now1 we measure times as they pass1 in order to be able to say1 this time is twice so much as that one2 or1 this is just so much as that2 and so of any other parts of time1 which be measurable4 ,wherefore1 as ,i said1 we measure times as they pass4 ,and if any should ask me1 ,how knowest thou8 ,i might answer1 ,i know1 that we do measure1 nor can we measure things that are not2 and things past and to come1 are not4 ,but time present how do we measure1 seeing it hath no space8 ,it is measured while passing1 but when it shall have passed1 it is not measured2 for there will be nothing to be measured4 ,but whence1 by what way1 and whither passes it while it is a measuring8 whence1 but from the future8 ,which way1 but through the present8 whither1 but into the past8 ,from that therefore1 which is not yet1 through that1 which hath no space1 into that1 which now is not4 ,yet what do we measure1 if not time in some space8 ,for we do not say1 single1 and double1 and triple1 and equal1 or any other like way that we speak of time1 except of spaces of times4 ,in what space then do we measure time passing8 ,in the future1 whence it passeth through8 ,but what is not yet1 we measure not4 ,or in the present1 by which it passes8 but no space1 we do not measure3 or in the past1 to which it passes8 ,but neither do we measure that1 which now is not4 ,my soul is on fire to know this most intricate enigma4 ,shut it not up1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 good ,father2 through ,christ ,i beseech ,thee1 do not shut up these usual1 yet hidden things1 from my desire1 that it be hindered from piercing into them2 but let them dawn through ,thy enlightening mercy1 ,o ,lord4 ,whom shall ,i enquire of concerning these things8 and to whom shall ,i more fruitfully confess my ignorance1 than to ,thee1 to ,whom these my studies1 so vehemently kindled toward ,thy ,scriptures1 are not troublesome8 ,give what ,i love2 for ,i do love1 and this hast ,thou given me4 ,give1 ,father1 ,who truly knowest to give good gifts unto ,thy children4 ,give1 because ,i have taken upon me to know1 and trouble is before me until ,thou openest it4 ,by ,christ ,i beseech ,thee1 in ,his ,name1 ,holy of holies1 let no man disturb me4 ,for ,i believed1 and therefore do ,i speak4 ,this is my hope1 for this do ,i live1 that ,i may contemplate the delights of the ,lord4 ,behold1 ,thou hast made my days old1 and they pass away1 and how1 ,i know not4 ,and we talk of time1 and time1 and times1 and times1 ,how long time is it since he said this2 how long time since he did this2 and how long time since ,i saw that2 and this syllable hath double time to that single short syllable4 ,these words we speak1 and these we hear1 and are understood1 and understand4 ,most manifest and ordinary they are1 and the self-same things again are but too deeply hidden1 and the discovery of them were new4 ,i heard once from a learned man1 that the motions of the sun1 moon1 and stars1 constituted time1 and ,i assented not4 ,for why should not the motions of all bodies rather be times8 ,or1 if the lights of heaven should cease1 and a potter's wheel run round1 should there be no time by which we might measure those whirlings1 and say1 that either it moved with equal pauses1 or if it turned sometimes slower1 otherwhiles quicker1 that some rounds were longer1 other shorter8 ,or1 while we were saying this1 should we not also be speaking in time8 ,or1 should there in our words be some syllables short1 others long1 but because those sounded in a shorter time1 these in a longer8 ,god1 grant to men to see in a small thing notices common to things great and small4 ,the stars and lights of heaven1 are also for signs1 and for seasons1 and for years1 and for days2 they are2 yet neither should ,i say1 that the going round of that wooden wheel was a day1 nor yet he1 that it was therefore no time4 ,i desire to know the force and nature of time1 by which we measure the motions of bodies1 and say 7for example7 this motion is twice as long as that4 ,for ,i ask1 ,seeing day denotes not the stay only of the sun upon the earth 7according to which day is one thing1 night another72 but also its whole circuit from east to east again2 according to which we say1 there passed so many days1 the night being included when we say1 so many days1 and the nights not reckoned apart2--seeing then a day is completed by the motion of the sun and by his circuit from east to east again1 ,i ask1 does the motion alone make the day1 or the stay in which that motion is completed1 or both8 ,for if the first be the day2 then should we have a day1 although the sun should finish that course in so small a space of time1 as one hour comes to4 ,if the second1 then should not that make a day1 if between one sun-rise and another there were but so short a stay1 as one hour comes to2 but the sun must go four and twenty times about1 to complete one day4 ,if both1 then neither could that be called a day2 if the sun should run his whole round in the space of one hour2 nor that1 if1 while the sun stood still1 so much time should overpass1 as the sun usually makes his whole course in1 from morning to morning4 ,i will not therefore now ask1 what that is which is called day2 but1 what time is1 whereby we1 measuring the circuit of the sun1 should say that it was finished in half the time it was wont1 if so be it was finished in so small a space as twelve hours2 and comparing both times1 should call this a single time1 that a double time2 even supposing the sun to run his round from east to east1 sometimes in that single1 sometimes in that double time4 ,let no man then tell me1 that the motions of the heavenly bodies constitute times1 because1 when at the prayer of one1 the sun had stood still1 till he could achieve his victorious battle1 the sun stood still1 but time went on4 ,for in its own allotted space of time was that battle waged and ended4 ,i perceive time then to be a certain extension4 ,but do ,i perceive it1 or seem to perceive it8 ,thou1 ,light and ,truth1 wilt show me4 ,dost ,thou bid me assent1 if any define time to be motion of a body8 ,thou dost not bid me4 ,for that no body is moved1 but in time1 ,i hear2 this ,thou sayest2 but that the motion of a body is time1 ,i hear not2 ,thou sayest it not4 ,for when a body is moved1 ,i by time measure1 how long it moveth1 from the time it began to move until it left off8 ,and if ,i did not see whence it began2 and it continue to move so that ,i see not when it ends1 ,i cannot measure1 save perchance from the time ,i began1 until ,i cease to see4 ,and if ,i look long1 ,i can only pronounce it to be a long time1 but not how long2 because when we say how long1 we do it by comparison2 as1 this is as long as that1 or twice so long as that1 or the like4 ,but when we can mark the distances of the places1 whence and whither goeth the body moved1 or his parts1 if it moved as in a lathe1 then can we say precisely1 in how much time the motion of that body or his part1 from this place unto that1 was finished4 ,seeing therefore the motion of a body is one thing1 that by which we measure how long it is1 another2 who sees not1 which of the two is rather to be called time8 ,for and if a body be sometimes moved1 sometimes stands still1 then we measure1 not his motion only1 but his standing still too by time2 and we say1 it stood still1 as much as it moved2 or it stood still twice or thrice so long as it moved2 or any other space which our measuring hath either ascertained1 or guessed2 more or less1 as we use to say4 ,time then is not the motion of a body4 ,and ,i confess to ,thee1 ,o ,lord1 that ,i yet know not what time is1 and again ,i confess unto ,thee1 ,o ,lord1 that ,i know that ,i speak this in time1 and that having long spoken of time1 that very long is not long1 but by the pause of time4 ,how then know ,i this1 seeing ,i know not what time is8 or is it perchance that ,i know not how to express what ,i know8 ,woe is me1 that do not even know1 what ,i know not4 ,behold1 ,o my ,god1 before ,thee ,i lie not2 but as ,i speak1 so is my heart4 ,thou shalt light my candle2 ,thou1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 wilt enlighten my darkness4 ,does not my soul most truly confess unto ,thee1 that ,i do measure times8 ,do ,i then measure1 ,o my ,god1 and know not what ,i measure8 ,i measure the motion of a body in time2 and the time itself do ,i not measure8 ,or could ,i indeed measure the motion of a body how long it were1 and in how long space it could come from this place to that1 without measuring the time in which it is moved8 ,this same time then1 how do ,i measure8 do we by a shorter time measure a longer1 as by the space of a cubit1 the space of a rood8 for so indeed we seem by the space of a short syllable1 to measure the space of a long syllable1 and to say that this is double the other4 ,thus measure we the spaces of stanzas1 by the spaces of the verses1 and the spaces of the verses1 by the spaces of the feet1 and the spaces of the feet1 by the spaces of the syllables1 and the spaces of long1 by the space of short syllables2 not measuring by pages 7for then we measure spaces1 not times72 but when we utter the words and they pass by1 and we say it is a long stanza1 because composed of so many verses2 long verses1 because consisting of so many feet2 long feet1 because prolonged by so many syllables2 a long syllable because double to a short one4 ,but neither do we this way obtain any certain measure of time2 because it may be1 that a shorter verse1 pronounced more fully1 may take up more time than a longer1 pronounced hurriedly4 ,and so for a verse1 a foot1 a syllable4 ,whence it seemed to me1 that time is nothing else than protraction2 but of what1 ,i know not2 and ,i marvel1 if it be not of the mind itself8 ,for what1 ,i beseech ,thee1 ,o my ,god1 do ,i measure1 when ,i say1 either indefinitely this is a longer time than that1 or definitely this is double that8 ,that ,i measure time1 ,i know2 and yet ,i measure not time to come1 for it is not yet2 nor present1 because it is not protracted by any space2 nor past1 because it now is not4 ,what then do ,i measure8 ,times passing1 not past8 for so ,i said4 ,courage1 my mind1 and press on mightily4 ,god is our helper1 ,he made us1 and not we ourselves4 ,press on where truth begins to dawn4 ,suppose1 now1 the voice of a body begins to sound1 and does sound1 and sounds on1 and list1 it ceases2 it is silence now1 and that voice is past1 and is no more a voice4 ,before it sounded1 it was to come1 and could not be measured1 because as yet it was not1 and now it cannot1 because it is no longer4 ,then therefore while it sounded1 it might2 because there then was what might be measured4 ,but yet even then it was not at a stay2 for it was passing on1 and passing away4 ,could it be measured the rather1 for that8 ,for while passing1 it was being extended into some space of time1 so that it might be measured1 since the present hath no space4 ,if therefore then it might1 then1 lo1 suppose another voice hath begun to sound1 and still soundeth in one continued tenor without any interruption2 let us measure it while it sounds2 seeing when it hath left sounding1 it will then be past1 and nothing left to be measured2 let us measure it verily1 and tell how much it is4 ,but it sounds still1 nor can it be measured but from the instant it began in1 unto the end it left in4 ,for the very space between is the thing we measure1 namely1 from some beginning unto some end4 ,wherefore1 a voice that is not yet ended1 cannot be measured1 so that it may be said how long1 or short it is2 nor can it be called equal to another1 or double to a single1 or the like4 ,but when ended1 it no longer is4 ,how may it then be measured8 ,and yet we measure times2 but yet neither those which are not yet1 nor those which no longer are1 nor those which are not lengthened out by some pause1 nor those which have no bounds4 ,we measure neither times to come1 nor past1 nor present1 nor passing2 and yet we do measure times4 ,deus ,creator omnium1 this verse of eight syllables alternates between short and long syllables4 ,the four short then1 the first1 third1 fifth1 and seventh1 are but single1 in respect of the four long1 the second1 fourth1 sixth1 and eighth4 ,every one of these to every one of those1 hath a double time3 ,i pronounce them1 report on them1 and find it so1 as one's plain sense perceives4 ,by plain sense then1 ,i measure a long syllable by a short1 and ,i sensibly find it to have twice so much2 but when one sounds after the other1 if the former be short1 the latter long1 how shall ,i detain the short one1 and how1 measuring1 shall ,i apply it to the long1 that ,i may find this to have twice so much2 seeing the long does not begin to sound1 unless the short leaves sounding8 ,and that very long one do ,i measure as present1 seeing ,i measure it not till it be ended8 ,now his ending is his passing away4 ,what then is it ,i measure8 where is the short syllable by which ,i measure8 where the long which ,i measure8 ,both have sounded1 have flown1 passed away1 are no more2 and yet ,i measure1 and confidently answer 7so far as is presumed on a practised sense7 that as to space of time this syllable is but single1 that double4 ,and yet ,i could not do this1 unless they were already past and ended4 ,it is not then themselves1 which now are not1 that ,i measure1 but something in my memory1 which there remains fixed4 ,it is in thee1 my mind1 that ,i measure times4 ,interrupt me not1 that is1 interrupt not thyself with the tumults of thy impressions4 ,in thee ,i measure times2 the impression1 which things as they pass by cause in thee1 remains even when they are gone2 this it is which still present1 ,i measure1 not the things which pass by to make this impression4 ,this ,i measure1 when ,i measure times4 ,either then this is time1 or ,i do not measure times4 ,what when we measure silence1 and say that this silence hath held as long time as did that voice8 do we not stretch out our thought to the measure of a voice1 as if it sounded1 that so we may be able to report of the intervals of silence in a given space of time8 ,for though both voice and tongue be still1 yet in thought we go over poems1 and verses1 and any other discourse1 or dimensions of motions1 and report as to the spaces of times1 how much this is in respect of that1 no otherwise than if vocally we did pronounce them4 ,if a man would utter a lengthened sound1 and had settled in thought how long it should be1 he hath in silence already gone through a space of time1 and committing it to memory1 begins to utter that speech1 which sounds on1 until it be brought unto the end proposed4 ,yea it hath sounded1 and will sound2 for so much of it as is finished1 hath sounded already1 and the rest will sound4 ,and thus passeth it on1 until the present intent conveys over the future into the past2 the past increasing by the diminution of the future1 until by the consumption of the future1 all is past4 ,but how is that future diminished or consumed1 which as yet is not8 or how that past increased1 which is now no longer1 save that in the mind which enacteth this1 there be three things done8 ,for it expects1 it considers1 it remembers2 that so that which it expecteth1 through that which it considereth1 passeth into that which it remembereth4 ,who therefore denieth1 that things to come are not as yet8 and yet1 there is in the mind an expectation of things to come4 ,and who denies past things to be now no longer8 and yet is there still in the mind a memory of things past4 ,and who denieth the present time hath no space1 because it passeth away in a moment8 and yet our consideration continueth1 through which that which shall be present proceedeth to become absent4 ,it is not then future time1 that is long1 for as yet it is not3 but a long future1 is a long expectation of the future1 nor is it time past1 which now is not1 that is long2 but a long past1 is a long memory of the past4 ,i am about to repeat a ,psalm that ,i know4 ,before ,i begin1 my expectation is extended over the whole2 but when ,i have begun1 how much soever of it ,i shall separate off into the past1 is extended along my memory2 thus the life of this action of mine is divided between my memory as to what ,i have repeated1 and expectation as to what ,i am about to repeat2 but consideration is present with me1 that through it what was future1 may be conveyed over1 so as to become past4 ,which the more it is done again and again1 so much the more the expectation being shortened1 is the memory enlarged3 till the whole expectation be at length exhausted1 when that whole action being ended1 shall have passed into memory4 ,and this which takes place in the whole ,psalm1 the same takes place in each several portion of it1 and each several syllable2 the same holds in that longer action1 whereof this ,psalm may be part2 the same holds in the whole life of man1 whereof all the actions of man are parts2 the same holds through the whole age of the sons of men1 whereof all the lives of men are parts4 ,but because ,thy loving-kindness is better than all lives1 behold1 my life is but a distraction1 and ,thy right hand upheld me1 in my ,lord the ,son of man1 the ,mediator betwixt ,thee1 ,the ,one1 and us many1 many also through our manifold distractions amid many things1 that by ,him ,i may apprehend in ,whom ,i have been apprehended1 and may be re-collected from my old conversation1 to follow ,the ,one1 forgetting what is behind1 and not distended but extended1 not to things which shall be and shall pass away1 but to those things which are before1 not distractedly but intently1 ,i follow on for the prize of my heavenly calling1 where ,i may hear the voice of ,thy praise1 and contemplate ,thy delights1 neither to come1 nor to pass away4 ,but now are my years spent in mourning4 ,and ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 art my comfort1 my ,father everlasting1 but ,i have been severed amid times1 whose order ,i know not2 and my thoughts1 even the inmost bowels of my soul1 are rent and mangled with tumultuous varieties1 until ,i flow together into ,thee1 purified and molten by the fire of ,thy love4 ,and now will ,i stand1 and become firm in ,thee1 in my mould1 ,thy truth2 nor will ,i endure the questions of men1 who by a penal disease thirst for more than they can contain1 and say1 what did ,god before ,he made heaven and earth8 ,or1 ,how came it into ,his mind to make any thing1 having never before made any thing8 ,give them1 ,o ,lord1 well to bethink themselves what they say1 and to find1 that never cannot be predicated1 when time is not4 ,this then that ,he is said never to have made2 what else is it to say1 than in 'no time' to have made8 ,let them see therefore1 that time cannot be without created being1 and cease to speak that vanity4 ,may they also be extended towards those things which are before2 and understand ,thee before all times1 the eternal ,creator of all times1 and that no times be coeternal with ,thee1 nor any creature1 even if there be any creature before all times4 ,o ,lord my ,god1 what a depth is that recess of ,thy mysteries1 and how far from it have the consequences of my transgressions cast me6 ,heal mine eyes1 that ,i may share the joy of ,thy light4 ,certainly1 if there be mind gifted with such vast knowledge and foreknowledge1 as to know all things past and to come1 as ,i know one well-known ,psalm1 truly that mind is passing wonderful1 and fearfully amazing2 in that nothing past1 nothing to come in after-ages1 is any more hidden from him1 than when ,i sung that ,psalm1 was hidden from me what1 and how much of it had passed away from the beginning1 what1 and how much there remained unto the end4 ,but far be it that ,thou the ,creator of the ,universe1 the ,creator of souls and bodies1 far be it1 that ,thou shouldest in such wise know all things past and to come4 ,far1 far more wonderfully1 and far more mysteriously1 dost ,thou know them4 ,for not1 as the feelings of one who singeth what he knoweth1 or heareth some well-known song1 are through expectation of the words to come1 and the remembering of those that are past1 varied1 and his senses divided1--not so doth any thing happen unto ,thee1 unchangeably eternal1 that is1 the eternal ,creator of minds4 ,like then as ,thou in the ,beginning knewest the heaven and the earth1 without any variety of ,thy knowledge1 so madest ,thou in the ,beginning heaven and earth1 without any distraction of ,thy action4 ,whoso understandeth1 let him confess unto ,thee2 and whoso understandeth not1 let him confess unto ,thee4 ,oh how high art ,thou1 and yet the humble in heart are ,thy dwelling-place2 for ,thou raisest up those that are bowed down1 and they fall not1 whose elevation ,thou art4 ,,book ,,xii ,my heart1 ,o ,lord1 touched with the words of ,thy ,holy ,scripture1 is much busied1 amid this poverty of my life4 ,and therefore most times1 is the poverty of human understanding copious in words1 because enquiring hath more to say than discovering1 and demanding is longer than obtaining1 and our hand that knocks1 hath more work to do1 than our hand that receives4 ,we hold the promise1 who shall make it null8 ,if ,god be for us1 who can be against us8 ,ask1 and ye shall have2 seek1 and ye shall find2 knock1 and it shall be opened unto you4 ,for every one that asketh1 receiveth2 and he that seeketh1 findeth2 and to him that knocketh1 shall it be opened4 ,these be ,thine own promises3 and who need fear to be deceived1 when the ,truth promiseth8 ,the lowliness of my tongue confesseth unto ,thy ,highness1 that ,thou madest heaven and earth2 this heaven which ,i see1 and this earth that ,i tread upon1 whence is this earth that ,i bear about me2 ,thou madest it4 ,but where is that heaven of heavens1 ,o ,lord1 which we hear of in the words of the ,psalm4 ,the heaven of heavens are the ,lord's2 but the earth hath ,he given to the children of men8 ,where is that heaven which we see not1 to which all this which we see is earth8 ,for this corporeal whole1 not being wholly every where1 hath in such wise received its portion of beauty in these lower parts1 whereof the lowest is this our earth2 but to that heaven of heavens1 even the heaven of our earth1 is but earth3 yea both these great bodies1 may not absurdly be called earth1 to that unknown heaven1 which is the ,lord's1 not the sons' of men4 ,and now this earth was invisible and without form1 and there was ,i know not what depth of abyss1 upon which there was no light1 because it had no shape4 ,therefore didst ,thou command it to be written1 that darkness was upon the face of the deep2 what else than the absence of light8 ,for had there been light1 where should it have been but by being over all1 aloft1 and enlightening8 ,where then light was not1 what was the presence of darkness1 but the absence of light8 ,darkness therefore was upon it1 because light was not upon it2 as where sound is not1 there is silence4 ,and what is it to have silence there1 but to have no sound there8 ,hast not ,thou1 ,o ,lord1 taught his soul1 which confesseth unto ,thee8 ,hast not ,thou taught me1 ,lord1 that before ,thou formedst and diversifiedst this formless matter1 there was nothing1 neither colour1 nor figure1 nor body1 nor spirit8 and yet not altogether nothing2 for there was a certain formlessness1 without any beauty4 ,how then should it be called1 that it might be in some measure conveyed to those of duller mind1 but by some ordinary word8 ,and what1 among all parts of the world can be found nearer to an absolute formlessness1 than earth and deep8 ,for1 occupying the lowest stage1 they are less beautiful than the other higher parts are1 transparent all and shining4 ,wherefore then may ,i not conceive the formlessness of matter 7which ,thou hadst created without beauty1 whereof to make this beautiful world7 to be suitably intimated unto men1 by the name of earth invisible and without form4 ,so that when thought seeketh what the sense may conceive under this1 and saith to itself1 ,it is no intellectual form1 as life1 or justice2 because it is the matter of bodies2 nor object of sense1 because being invisible1 and without form1 there was in it no object of sight or sense2--while man's thought thus saith to itself1 it may endeavour either to know it1 by being ignorant of it2 or to be ignorant1 by knowing it4 ,but ,i1 ,lord1 if ,i would1 by my tongue and my pen1 confess unto ,thee the whole1 whatever ,thyself hath taught me of that matter1--the name whereof hearing before1 and not understanding1 when they who understood it not1 told me of it1 so ,i conceived of it as having innumerable forms and diverse1 and therefore did not conceive it at all1 my mind tossed up and down foul and horrible forms out of all order1 but yet forms and ,i called it without form not that it wanted all form1 but because it had such as my mind would1 if presented to it1 turn from1 as unwonted and jarring1 and human frailness would be troubled at4 ,and still that which ,i conceived1 was without form1 not as being deprived of all form1 but in comparison of more beautiful forms2 and true reason did persuade me1 that ,i must utterly uncase it of all remnants of form whatsoever1 if ,i would conceive matter absolutely without form2 and ,i could not2 for sooner could ,i imagine that not to be at all1 which should be deprived of all form1 than conceive a thing betwixt form and nothing1 neither formed1 nor nothing1 a formless almost nothing4 ,so my mind gave over to question thereupon with my spirit1 it being filled with the images of formed bodies1 and changing and varying them1 as it willed2 and ,i bent myself to the bodies themselves1 and looked more deeply into their changeableness1 by which they cease to be what they have been1 and begin to be what they were not2 and this same shifting from form to form1 ,i suspected to be through a certain formless state1 not through a mere nothing2 yet this ,i longed to know1 not to suspect only4-,if then my voice and pen would confess unto ,thee the whole1 whatsoever knots ,thou didst open for me in this question1 what reader would hold out to take in the whole8 ,nor shall my heart for all this cease to give ,thee honour1 and a song of praise1 for those things which it is not able to express4 ,for the changeableness of changeable things1 is itself capable of all those forms1 into which these changeable things are changed4 ,and this changeableness1 what is it8 ,is it soul8 ,is it body8 ,is it that which constituteth soul or body8 ,might one say1 a nothing something1 an is1 is not1 ,i would say1 this were it3 and yet in some way was it even then1 as being capable of receiving these visible and compound figures4 ,but whence had it this degree of being1 but from ,thee1 from ,whom are all things1 so far forth as they are8 ,but so much the further from ,thee1 as the unliker ,thee2 for it is not farness of place4 ,thou therefore1 ,lord1 ,who art not one in one place1 and otherwise in another1 but the ,self-same1 and the ,self-same1 and the ,self-same1 ,holy1 ,holy1 ,holy1 ,lord ,god ,almighty1 didst in the ,beginning1 which is of ,thee1 in ,thy ,wisdom1 which was born of ,thine own ,substance1 create something1 and that out of nothing4 ,for ,thou createdst heaven and earth2 not out of ,thyself1 for so should they have been equal to ,thine ,only ,begotten ,son1 and thereby to ,thee also2 whereas no way were it right that aught should be equal to ,thee1 which was not of ,thee4 ,and aught else besides ,thee was there not1 whereof ,thou mightest create them1 ,o ,god1 ,one ,trinity1 and ,trine ,unity2 and therefore out of nothing didst ,thou create heaven and earth2 a great thing1 and a small thing2 for ,thou art ,almighty and ,good1 to make all things good1 even the great heaven1 and the petty earth4 ,thou wert1 and nothing was there besides1 out of which ,thou createdst heaven and earth2 things of two sorts2 one near ,thee1 the other near to nothing2 one to which ,thou alone shouldest be superior2 the other1 to which nothing should be inferior4 ,but that heaven of heavens was for ,thyself1 ,o ,lord2 but the earth which ,thou gavest to the sons of men1 to be seen and felt1 was not such as we now see and feel4 ,for it was invisible1 without form1 and there was a deep1 upon which there was no light2 or1 darkness was above the deep1 that is1 more than in the deep4 ,because this deep of waters1 visible now1 hath even in his depths1 a light proper for its nature2 perceivable in whatever degree unto the fishes1 and creeping things in the bottom of it4 ,but that whole deep was almost nothing1 because hitherto it was altogether without form2 yet there was already that which could be formed4 ,for ,thou1 ,lord1 madest the world of a matter without form1 which out of nothing1 ,thou madest next to nothing1 thereof to make those great things1 which we sons of men wonder at4 ,for very wonderful is this corporeal heaven2 of which firmament between water and water1 the second day1 after the creation of light1 ,thou saidst1 ,let it be made1 and it was made4 ,which firmament ,thou calledst heaven2 the heaven1 that is1 to this earth and sea1 which ,thou madest the third day1 by giving a visible figure to the formless matter1 which ,thou madest before all days4 ,for already hadst ,thou made both an heaven1 before all days2 but that was the heaven of this heaven2 because ,in the beginning ,thou hadst made heaven and earth4 ,but this same earth which ,thou madest was formless matter1 because it was invisible and without form1 and darkness was upon the deep1 of which invisible earth and without form1 of which formlessness1 of which almost nothing1 ,thou mightest make all these things of which this changeable world consists1 but subsists not2 whose very changeableness appears therein1 that times can be observed and numbered in it4 ,for times are made by the alterations of things1 while the figures1 the matter whereof is the invisible earth aforesaid1 are varied and turned4 ,and therefore the ,spirit1 the ,teacher of ,thy servant1 when ,it recounts ,thee to have ,in the ,beginning created heaven and earth1 speaks nothing of times1 nothing of days4 ,for verily that heaven of heavens which ,thou createdst in the ,beginning1 is some intellectual creature1 which1 although no ways coeternal unto ,thee1 the ,trinity1 yet partaketh of ,thy eternity1 and doth through the sweetness of that most happy contemplation of ,thyself1 strongly restrain its own changeableness2 and without any fall since its first creation1 cleaving close unto ,thee1 is placed beyond all the rolling vicissitude of times4 ,yea1 neither is this very formlessness of the earth1 invisible1 and without form1 numbered among the days4 ,for where no figure nor order is1 there does nothing come1 or go2 and where this is not1 there plainly are no days1 nor any vicissitude of spaces of times4 ,o let the ,light1 the ,truth1 the ,light of my heart1 not mine own darkness1 speak unto me4 ,i fell off into that1 and became darkened2 but even thence1 even thence ,i loved ,thee4 ,i went astray1 and remembered ,thee4 ,i heard ,thy voice behind me1 calling to me to return1 and scarcely heard it1 through the tumultuousness of the enemies of peace4 ,and now1 behold1 ,i return in distress and panting after ,thy fountain4 ,let no man forbid me6 of this will ,i drink1 and so live4 ,let me not be mine own life2 from myself ,i lived ill1 death was ,i to myself2 and ,i revive in ,thee4 ,do ,thou speak unto me1 do ,thou discourse unto me4 ,i have believed ,thy ,books1 and their words be most full of mystery4 ,already ,thou hast told me with a strong voice1 ,o ,lord1 in my inner ear1 that ,thou art eternal1 ,who only hast immortality2 since ,thou canst not be changed as to figure or motion1 nor is ,thy will altered by times3 seeing no will which varies is immortal4 ,this is in ,thy sight clear to me1 and let it be more and more cleared to me1 ,i beseech ,thee2 and in the manifestation thereof1 let me with sobriety abide under ,thy wings4 ,thou hast told me also with a strong voice1 ,o ,lord1 in my inner ear1 that ,thou hast made all natures and substances1 which are not what ,thyself is1 and yet are2 and that only is not from ,thee1 which is not1 and the motion of the will from ,thee who art1 unto that which in a less degree is1 because such motion is transgression and sin2 and that no man's sin doth either hurt ,thee1 or disturb the order of ,thy government1 first or last4 ,this is in ,thy sight clear unto me1 and let it be more and more cleared to me1 ,i beseech ,thee3 and in the manifestation thereof1 let me with sobriety abide under ,thy wings4 ,thou hast told me also with a strong voice1 in my inner ear1 that neither is that creature coeternal unto ,thyself1 whose happiness ,thou only art1 and which with a most persevering purity1 drawing its nourishment from ,thee1 doth in no place and at no time put forth its natural mutability2 and1 ,thyself being ever present with it1 unto ,whom with its whole affection it keeps itself1 having neither future to expect1 nor conveying into the past what it remembereth1 is neither altered by any change1 nor distracted into any times4 ,o blessed creature1 if such there be1 for cleaving unto ,thy ,blessedness2 blest in ,thee1 its eternal ,inhabitant and its ,enlightener6 ,nor do ,i find by what name ,i may the rather call the heaven of heavens which is the ,lord's1 than ,thine house1 which contemplateth ,thy delights without any defection of going forth to another2 one pure mind1 most harmoniously one1 by that settled estate of peace of holy spirits1 the citizens of ,thy city in heavenly places2 far above those heavenly places that we see4 ,by this may the soul1 whose pilgrimage is made long and far away1 by this may she understand1 if she now thirsts for ,thee1 if her tears be now become her bread1 while they daily say unto her1 ,where is ,thy ,god8 if she now seeks of ,thee one thing1 and desireth it1 that she may dwell in ,thy house all the days of her life 7and what is her life1 but ,thou8 and what ,thy days1 but ,thy eternity1 as ,thy years which fail not1 because ,thou art ever the same872 by this then may the soul that is able1 understand how far ,thou art1 above all times1 eternal2 seeing ,thy house which at no time went into a far country1 although it be not coeternal with ,thee1 yet by continually and unfailingly cleaving unto ,thee1 suffers no changeableness of times4 ,this is in ,thy sight clear unto me1 and let it be more and more cleared unto me1 ,i beseech ,thee1 and in the manifestation thereof1 let me with sobriety abide under ,thy wings4 ,there is1 behold1 ,i know not what formlessness in those changes of these last and lowest creatures2 and who shall tell me 7unless such a one as through the emptiness of his own heart1 wonders and tosses himself up and down amid his own fancies871 who but such a one would tell me1 that if all figure be so wasted and consumed away1 that there should only remain that formlessness1 through which the thing was changed and turned from one figure to another1 that that could exhibit the vicissitudes of times8 ,for plainly it could not1 because1 without the variety of motions1 there are no times3 and no variety1 where there is no figure4 ,these things considered1 as much as ,thou givest1 ,o my ,god1 as much as ,thou stirrest me up to knock1 and as much as ,thou openest to me knocking1 two things ,i find that ,thou hast made1 not within the compass of time1 neither of which is coeternal with ,thee4 ,one1 which is so formed1 that without any ceasing of contemplation1 without any interval of change1 though changeable1 yet not changed1 it may thoroughly enjoy ,thy eternity and unchangeableness2 the other which was so formless1 that it had not that1 which could be changed from one form into another1 whether of motion1 or of repose1 so as to become subject unto time4 ,but this ,thou didst not leave thus formless1 because before all days1 ,thou in the ,beginning didst create ,heaven and ,earth2 the two things that ,i spake of4 ,but the ,earth was invisible and without form1 and darkness was upon the deep4 ,in which words1 is the formlessness conveyed unto us 7that such capacities may hereby be drawn on by degrees1 as are not able to conceive an utter privation of all form1 without yet coming to nothing71 out of which another ,heaven might be created1 together with a visible and well-formed earth3 and the waters diversly ordered1 and whatsoever further is in the formation of the world1 recorded to have been1 not without days1 created2 and that1 as being of such nature1 that the successive changes of times may take place in them1 as being subject to appointed alterations of motions and of forms4 ,this then is what ,i conceive1 ,o my ,god1 when ,i hear ,thy ,scripture saying1 ,in the beginning ,god made ,heaven and ,earth3 and the ,earth was invisible and without form1 and darkness was upon the deep1 and not mentioning what day ,thou createdst them2 this is what ,i conceive1 that because of the ,heaven of heavens1--that intellectual ,heaven1 whose ,intelligences know all at once1 not in part1 not darkly1 not through a glass1 but as a whole1 in manifestation1 face to face2 not1 this thing now1 and that thing anon2 but 7as ,i said7 know all at once1 without any succession of times2--and because of the earth invisible and without form1 without any succession of times1 which succession presents this thing now1 that thing anon2 because where is no form1 there is no distinction of things3--it is1 then1 on account of these two1 a primitive formed1 and a primitive formless2 the one1 heaven but the ,heaven of heaven1 the other earth but the earth invisible and without form2 because of these two do ,i conceive1 did ,thy ,scripture say without mention of days1 ,in the ,beginning ,god created ,heaven and ,earth4 ,for forthwith it subjoined what earth it spake of2 and also1 in that the ,firmament is recorded to be created the second day1 and called ,heaven1 it conveys to us of which ,heaven ,he before spake1 without mention of days4 ,wondrous depth of ,thy words6 whose surface1 behold6 is before us1 inviting to little ones2 yet are they a wondrous depth4 ,o my ,god1 a wondrous depth6 ,it is awful to look therein2 an awfulness of honour1 and a trembling of love4 ,the enemies thereof ,i hate vehemently2 oh that ,thou wouldest slay them with ,thy two-edged sword1 that they might no longer be enemies unto it3 for so do ,i love to have them slain unto themselves1 that they may live unto ,thee4 ,but behold others not faultfinders1 but extollers of the book of ,genesis2 ,the ,spirit of ,god1 say they1 ,who by ,his servant ,moses wrote these things1 would not have those words thus understood2 ,he would not have it understood1 as thou sayest1 but otherwise1 as we say4 ,unto ,whom ,thyself1 ,o ,thou ,god all1 being judge1 do ,i thus answer4 ,will you affirm that to be false1 which with a strong voice ,truth tells me in my inner ear1 concerning the ,eternity of the ,creator1 that ,his substance is no ways changed by time1 nor ,his will separate from ,his substance8 ,wherefore ,he willeth not one thing now1 another anon1 but once1 and at once1 and always1 ,he willeth all things that ,he willeth2 not again and again1 nor now this1 now that2 nor willeth afterwards1 what before ,he willed not1 nor willeth not1 what before ,he willed2 because such a will is and no mutable thing is eternal3 but our ,god is eternal4 ,again1 what ,he tells me in my inner ear1 the expectation of things to come becomes sight1 when they are come1 and this same sight becomes memory1 when they be past4 ,now all thought which thus varies is mutable2 and no mutable thing is eternal3 but our ,god is eternal4 ,these things ,i infer1 and put together1 and find that my ,god1 the eternal ,god1 hath not upon any new will made any creature1 nor doth ,his knowledge admit of any thing transitory4 ,what will ye say then1 ,o ye gainsayers8 ,are these things false8 ,no1 they say2 ,what then8 ,is it false1 that every nature already formed1 or matter capable of form1 is not1 but from ,him ,who is supremely good1 because ,he is supremely8 ,neither do we deny this1 say they4 ,what then8 do you deny this1 that there is a certain sublime creature1 with so chaste a love cleaving unto the true and truly eternal ,god1 that although not coeternal with ,him1 yet is it not detached from ,him1 nor dissolved into the variety and vicissitude of times1 but reposeth in the most true contemplation of ,him only8 ,because ,thou1 ,o ,god1 unto him that loveth ,thee so much as ,thou commandest1 dost show ,thyself1 and sufficest him2 and therefore doth he not decline from ,thee1 nor toward himself4 ,this is the house of ,god1 not of earthly mould1 nor of celestial bulk corporeal but spiritual1 and partaker of ,thy eternity1 because without defection for ever4 ,for ,thou hast made it fast for ever and ever1 ,thou hast given it a law which it shall not pass4 ,nor yet is it coeternal with ,thee1 ,o ,god1 because not without beginning2 for it was made4 ,for although we find no time before it1 for wisdom was created before all things2 not that ,wisdom which is altogether equal and coeternal unto ,thee1 our ,god1 ,his ,father1 and by ,whom all things were created1 and in ,whom1 as the ,beginning1 ,thou createdst heaven and earth2 but that wisdom which is created1 that is1 the intellectual nature1 which by contemplating the light1 is light4 ,for this1 though created1 is also called wisdom4 ,but what difference there is betwixt the ,light which enlighteneth1 and which is enlightened1 so much is there betwixt the ,wisdom that createth1 and that created2 as betwixt the ,righteousness which justifieth1 and the righteousness which is made by justification4 ,for we also are called ,thy righteousness2 for so saith a certain servant of ,thine1 ,that we might be made the righteousness of ,god in ,him4 ,therefore since a certain created wisdom was created before all things1 the rational and intellectual mind of that chaste city of ,thine1 our mother which is above1 and is free and eternal in the heavens 7in what heavens1 if not in those that praise ,thee1 the ,heaven of heavens8 ,because this is also the ,heaven of heavens for the ,lord72--though we find no time before it 7because that which hath been created before all things1 precedeth also the creature of time71 yet is the ,eternity of the ,creator ,himself before it1 from ,whom1 being created1 it took the beginning1 not indeed of time 7for time itself was not yet71 but of its creation4 ,hence it is so of ,thee1 our ,god1 as to be altogether other than ,thou1 and not the ,self-same3 because though we find time neither before it1 nor even in it 7it being meet ever to behold ,thy face1 nor is ever drawn away from it1 wherefore it is not varied by any change71 yet is there in it a liability to change1 whence it would wax dark1 and chill1 but that by a strong affection cleaving unto ,thee1 like perpetual noon1 it shineth and gloweth from ,thee4 ,o house most lightsome and delightsome6 ,i have loved thy beauty1 and the place of the habitation of the glory of my ,lord1 thy builder and possessor4 ,let my wayfaring sigh after thee1 and ,i say to ,him that made thee1 let ,him take possession of me also in thee1 seeing ,he hath made me likewise4 ,i have gone astray like a lost sheep3 yet upon the shoulders of my ,shepherd1 thy builder1 hope ,i to be brought back to thee4 ,what say ye to me1 ,o ye gainsayers that ,i was speaking unto1 who yet believe ,moses to have been the holy servant of ,god1 and his books the oracles of the ,holy ,ghost8 ,is not this house of ,god1 not coeternal indeed with ,god1 yet after its measure1 eternal in the heavens1 when you seek for changes of times in vain1 because you will not find them8 ,for that1 to which it is ever good to cleave fast to ,god1 surpasses all extension1 and all revolving periods of time4 ,it is1 say they4 ,what then of all that which my heart loudly uttered unto my ,god1 when inwardly it heard the voice of ,his praise1 what part thereof do you affirm to be false8 ,is it that the matter was without form1 in which because there was no form1 there was no order8 ,but where no order was1 there could be no vicissitude of times3 and yet this 'almost nothing1' inasmuch as it was not altogether nothing1 was from ,him certainly1 from ,whom is whatsoever is1 in what degree soever it is4 ,this also1 say they1 do we not deny4 ,with these ,i now parley a little in ,thy presence1 ,o my ,god1 who grant all these things to be true1 which ,thy ,truth whispers unto my soul4 ,for those who deny these things1 let them bark and deafen themselves as much as they please2 ,i will essay to persuade them to quiet1 and to open in them a way for ,thy word4 ,but if they refuse1 and repel me2 ,i beseech1 ,o my ,god1 be not ,thou silent to me4 ,speak ,thou truly in my heart2 for only ,thou so speakest3 and ,i will let them alone blowing upon the dust without1 and raising it up into their own eyes3 and myself will enter my chamber1 and sing there a song of loves unto ,thee2 groaning with groanings unutterable1 in my wayfaring1 and remembering ,jerusalem1 with heart lifted up towards it1 ,jerusalem my country1 ,jerusalem my mother1 and ,thyself that rulest over it1 the ,enlightener1 ,father1 ,guardian1 ,husband1 the pure and strong delight1 and solid joy1 and all good things unspeakable1 yea all at once1 because the ,one ,sovereign and true ,good4 ,nor will ,i be turned away1 until ,thou gather all that ,i am1 from this dispersed and disordered estate1 into the peace of that our most dear mother1 where the first-fruits of my spirit be already 7whence ,i am ascertained of these things71 and ,thou conform and confirm it for ever1 ,o my ,god1 my ,mercy4 ,but those who do not affirm all these truths to be false1 who honour ,thy holy ,scripture1 set forth by holy ,moses1 placing it1 as we1 on the summit of authority to be followed1 and do yet contradict me in some thing1 ,i answer thus2 ,by ,thyself judge1 ,o our ,god1 between my ,confessions and these men's contradictions4 ,for they say1 ,though these things be true1 yet did not ,moses intend those two1 when1 by revelation of the ,spirit1 he said1 ,in the beginning ,god created heaven and earth4 ,he did not under the name of heaven1 signify that spiritual or intellectual creature which always beholds the face of ,god2 nor under the name of earth1 that formless matter4 ,what then8 ,that man of ,god1 say they1 meant as we say1 this declared he by those words4 ,what8 ,by the name of heaven and earth would he first signify1 say they1 universally and compendiously1 all this visible world2 so as afterwards by the enumeration of the several days1 to arrange in detail1 and1 as it were1 piece by piece1 all those things1 which it pleased the ,holy ,ghost thus to enounce4 ,for such were that rude and carnal people to which he spake1 that he thought them fit to be entrusted with the knowledge of such works of ,god only as were visible4 ,they agree1 however1 that under the words earth invisible and without form1 and that darksome deep 7out of which it is subsequently shown1 that all these visible things which we all know1 were made and arranged during those days7 may1 not incongruously1 be understood of this formless first matter4 ,what now if another should say that this same formlessness and confusedness of matter1 was for this reason first conveyed under the name of heaven and earth1 because out of it was this visible world with all those natures which most manifestly appear in it1 which is ofttimes called by the name of heaven and earth1 created and perfected8 ,what again if another say that invisible and visible nature is not indeed inappropriately called heaven and earth2 and so1 that the universal creation1 which ,god made in ,his ,wisdom1 that is1 in the ,beginning1 was comprehended under those two words8 ,notwithstanding1 since all things be made not of the substance of ,god1 but out of nothing 7because they are not the same that ,god is1 and there is a mutable nature in them all1 whether they abide1 as doth the eternal house of ,god1 or be changed1 as the soul and body of man are73 therefore the common matter of all things visible and invisible 7as yet unformed though capable of form71 out of which was to be created both heaven and earth 7i4e41 the invisible and visible creature when formed71 was entitled by the same names given to the earth invisible and without form and the darkness upon the deep1 but with this distinction1 that by the earth invisible and without form is understood corporeal matter1 antecedent to its being qualified by any form2 and by the darkness upon the deep1 spiritual matter1 before it underwent any restraint of its unlimited fluidness1 or received any light from ,wisdom8 ,it yet remains for a man to say1 if he will1 that the already perfected and formed natures1 visible and invisible1 are not signified under the name of heaven and earth1 when we read1 ,in the beginning ,god made heaven and earth1 but that the yet unformed commencement of things1 the stuff apt to receive form and making1 was called by these names1 because therein were confusedly contained1 not as yet distinguished by their qualities and forms1 all those things which being now digested into order1 are called ,heaven and ,earth1 the one being the spiritual1 the other the corporeal1 creation4 ,all which things being heard and well considered1 ,i will not strive about words3 for that is profitable to nothing1 but the subversion of the hearers4 ,but the law is good to edify1 if a man use it lawfully3 for that the end of it is charity1 out of a pure heart and good conscience1 and faith unfeigned4 ,and well did our ,master know1 upon which two commandments ,he hung all the ,law and the ,prophets4 ,and what doth it prejudice me1 ,o my ,god1 ,thou light of my eyes in secret1 zealously confessing these things1 since divers things may be understood under these words which yet are all true1--what1 ,i say1 doth it prejudice me1 if ,i think otherwise than another thinketh the writer thought8 ,all we readers verily strive to trace out and to understand his meaning whom we read2 and seeing we believe him to speak truly1 we dare not imagine him to have said any thing1 which ourselves either know or think to be false4 ,while every man endeavours then to understand in the ,holy ,scriptures1 the same as the writer understood1 what hurt is it1 if a man understand what ,thou1 the light of all true-speaking minds1 dost show him to be true1 although he whom he reads1 understood not this1 seeing he also understood a ,truth1 though not this truth8 ,for true it is1 ,o ,lord1 that ,thou madest heaven and earth2 and it is true too1 that the ,beginning is ,thy ,wisdom1 in ,which ,thou createst all3 and true again1 that this visible world hath for its greater part the heaven and the earth1 which briefly comprise all made and created natures4 ,and true too1 that whatsoever is mutable1 gives us to understand a certain want of form1 whereby it receiveth a form1 or is changed1 or turned4 ,it is true1 that that is subject to no times1 which so cleaveth to the unchangeable ,form1 as though subject to change1 never to be changed4 ,it is true1 that that formlessness which is almost nothing1 cannot be subject to the alteration of times4 ,it is true1 that that whereof a thing is made1 may by a certain mode of speech1 be called by the name of the thing made of it2 whence that formlessness1 whereof heaven and earth were made1 might be called heaven and earth4 ,it is true1 that of things having form1 there is not any nearer to having no form1 than the earth and the deep4 ,it is true1 that not only every created and formed thing1 but whatsoever is capable of being created and formed1 ,thou madest1 of ,whom are all things4 ,it is true1 that whatsoever is formed out of that which had no form1 was unformed before it was formed4 ,out of these truths1 of which they doubt not whose inward eye ,thou hast enabled to see such things1 and who unshakenly believe ,thy servant ,moses to have spoken in the ,spirit of truth2--of all these then1 he taketh one1 who saith1 ,in the ,beginning ,god made the heaven and the earth2 that is1 in ,his ,word coeternal with ,himself1 ,god made the intelligible and the sensible1 or the spiritual and the corporeal creature4 ,he another1 that saith1 ,in the ,beginning ,god made heaven and earth2 that is1 in ,his ,word coeternal with ,himself1 did ,god make the universal bulk of this corporeal world1 together with all those apparent and known creatures1 which it containeth4 ,he another1 that saith1 ,in the ,beginning ,god made heaven and earth2 that is1 in ,his ,word coeternal with ,himself1 did ,god make the formless matter of creatures spiritual and corporeal4 ,he another1 that saith1 ,in the ,beginning ,god created heaven and earth2 that is1 in ,his ,word coeternal with ,himself1 did ,god create the formless matter of the creature corporeal1 wherein heaven and earth lay as yet confused1 which1 being now distinguished and formed1 we at this day see in the bulk of this world4 ,he another1 who saith1 ,in the ,beginning ,god made heaven and earth2 that is1 in the very beginning of creating and working1 did ,god make that formless matter1 confusedly containing in itself both heaven and earth2 out of which1 being formed1 do they now stand out1 and are apparent1 with all that is in them4 ,and with regard to the understanding of the words following1 out of all those truths1 he chooses one to himself1 who saith1 ,but the earth was invisible1 and without form1 and darkness was upon the deep2 that is1 that corporeal thing that ,god made1 was as yet a formless matter of corporeal things1 without order1 without light4 ,another he who says1 ,the earth was invisible and without form1 and darkness was upon the deep2 that is1 this all1 which is called heaven and earth1 was still a formless and darksome matter1 of which the corporeal heaven and the corporeal earth were to be made1 with all things in them1 which are known to our corporeal senses4 ,another he who says1 ,the earth was invisible and without form1 and darkness was upon the deep2 that is1 this all1 which is called heaven and earth1 was still a formless and a darksome matter2 out of which was to be made1 both that intelligible heaven1 otherwhere called the ,heaven of heavens1 and the earth1 that is1 the whole corporeal nature1 under which name is comprised this corporeal heaven also2 in a word1 out of which every visible and invisible creature was to be created4 ,another he who says1 ,the earth was invisible and without form1 and darkness was upon the deep1 the ,scripture did not call that formlessness by the name of heaven and earth2 but that formlessness1 saith he1 already was1 which he called the earth invisible without form1 and darkness upon the deep2 of which he had before said1 that ,god had made heaven and earth1 namely1 the spiritual and corporeal creature4 ,another he who says1 ,the earth was invisible and without form1 and darkness was upon the deep2 that is1 there already was a certain formless matter1 of which the ,scripture said before1 that ,god made heaven and earth2 namely1 the whole corporeal bulk of the world1 divided into two great parts1 upper and lower1 with all the common and known creatures in them4 ,for should any attempt to dispute against these two last opinions1 thus1 ,if you will not allow1 that this formlessness of matter seems to be called by the name of heaven and earth2 ,ergo1 there was something which ,god had not made1 out of which to make heaven and earth2 for neither hath ,scripture told us1 that ,god made this matter1 unless we understand it to be signified by the name of heaven and earth1 or of earth alone1 when it is said1 ,in the ,beginning ,god made the heaven and earth2 that so in what follows1 and the earth was invisible and without form 7although it pleased ,him so to call the formless matter71 we are to understand no other matter1 but that which ,god made1 whereof is written above1 ,god made heaven and earth4 ,the maintainers of either of those two latter opinions will1 upon hearing this1 return for answer1 we do not deny this formless matter to be indeed created by ,god1 that ,god of ,whom are all things1 very good2 for as we affirm that to be a greater good1 which is created and formed1 so we confess that to be a lesser good which is made capable of creation and form1 yet still good4 ,we say however that ,scripture hath not set down1 that ,god made this formlessness1 as also it hath not many others2 as the ,cherubim1 and ,seraphim1 and those which the ,apostle distinctly speaks of1 ,thrones1 ,dominions1 ,principalities1 ,powers4 ,all which that ,god made1 is most apparent4 ,or if in that which is said1 ,he made heaven and earth1 all things be comprehended1 what shall we say of the waters1 upon which the ,spirit of ,god moved8 ,for if they be comprised in this word earth2 how then can formless matter be meant in that name of earth1 when we see the waters so beautiful8 ,or if it be so taken2 why then is it written1 that out of the same formlessness1 the firmament was made1 and called heaven2 and that the waters were made1 is not written8 ,for the waters remain not formless and invisible1 seeing we behold them flowing in so comely a manner4 ,but if they then received that beauty1 when ,god said1 ,let the waters under the firmament be gathered together1 that so the gathering together be itself the forming of them2 what will be said as to those waters above the firmament8 ,seeing neither if formless would they have been worthy of so honourable a seat1 nor is it written1 by what word they were formed4 ,if then ,genesis is silent as to ,god's making of any thing1 which yet that ,god did make neither sound faith nor well-grounded understanding doubteth1 nor again will any sober teaching dare to affirm these waters to be coeternal with ,god1 on the ground that we find them to be mentioned in the hook of ,genesis1 but when they were created1 we do not find2 why 7seeing truth teaches us7 should we not understand that formless matter 7which this ,scripture calls the earth invisible and without form1 and darksome deep7 to have been created of ,god out of nothing1 and therefore not to be coeternal to ,him2 notwithstanding this history hath omitted to show when it was created8 ,these things then being heard and perceived1 according to the weakness of my capacity 7which ,i confess unto ,thee1 ,o ,lord1 that knowest it71 two sorts of disagreements ,i see may arise1 when a thing is in words related by true reporters2 one1 concerning the truth of the things1 the other1 concerning the meaning of the relater4 ,for we enquire one way about the making of the creature1 what is true2 another way1 what ,moses1 that excellent minister of ,thy ,faith1 would have his reader and hearer understand by those words4 ,for the first sort1 away with all those who imagine themselves to know as a truth1 what is false2 and for this other1 away with all them too1 which imagine ,moses to have written things that be false4 ,but let me be united in ,thee1 ,o ,lord1 with those and delight myself in ,thee1 with them that feed on ,thy truth1 in the largeness of charity1 and let us approach together unto the words of ,thy book1 and seek in them for ,thy meaning1 through the meaning of ,thy servant1 by whose pen ,thou hast dispensed them4 ,but which of us shall1 among those so many truths1 which occur to enquirers in those words1 as they are differently understood1 so discover that one meaning1 as to affirm1 this ,moses thought1 and this would he have understood in that history2 with the same confidence as he would1 this is true1 whether ,moses thought this or that8 ,for behold1 ,o my ,god1 ,i ,thy servant1 who have in this book vowed a sacrifice of confession unto ,thee1 and pray1 that by ,thy mercy ,i may pay my vows unto ,thee1 can ,i1 with the same confidence wherewith ,i affirm1 that in ,thy incommutable world ,thou createdst all things visible and invisible1 affirm also1 that ,moses meant no other than this1 when he wrote1 ,in the ,beginning ,god made heaven and earth8 ,no4 ,because ,i see not in his mind1 that he thought of this when he wrote these things1 as ,i do see it in ,thy truth to be certain4 ,for he might have his thoughts upon ,god's commencement of creating1 when he said ,in the beginning2 and by heaven and earth1 in this place he might intend no formed and perfected nature whether spiritual or corporeal1 but both of them inchoate and as yet formless4 ,for ,i perceive1 that whichsoever of the two had been said1 it might have been truly said2 but which of the two he thought of in these words1 ,i do not so perceive4 ,although1 whether it were either of these1 or any sense beside 7that ,i have not here mentioned71 which this so great man saw in his mind1 when he uttered these words1 ,i doubt not but that he saw it truly1 and expressed it aptly4 ,let no man harass me then1 by saying1 ,moses thought not as you say1 but as ,i say3 for if he should ask me1 ,how know you that ,moses thought that which you infer out of his words8 ,i ought to take it in good part1 and would answer perchance as ,i have above1 or something more at large1 if he were unyielding4 ,but when he saith1 ,moses meant not what you say1 but what ,i say1 yet denieth not that what each of us say1 may both be true1 ,o my ,god1 life of the poor1 in ,whose bosom is no contradiction1 pour down a softening dew into my heart1 that ,i may patiently bear with such as say this to me1 not because they have a divine ,spirit1 and have seen in the heart of ,thy servant what they speak1 but because they be proud2 not knowing ,moses' opinion1 but loving their own1 not because it is truth1 but because it is theirs4 ,otherwise they would equally love another true opinion1 as ,i love what they say1 when they say true3 not because it is theirs1 but because it is true2 and on that very ground not theirs because it is true4 ,but if they therefore love it1 because it is true1 then is it both theirs1 and mine2 as being in common to all lovers of truth4 ,but whereas they contend that ,moses did not mean what ,i say1 but what they say1 this ,i like not1 love not3 for though it were so1 yet that their rashness belongs not to knowledge1 but to overboldness1 and not insight but vanity was its parent4 ,and therefore1 ,o ,lord1 are ,thy judgements terrible2 seeing ,thy truth is neither mine1 nor his1 nor another's2 but belonging to us all1 whom ,thou callest publicly to partake of it1 warning us terribly1 not to account it private to ourselves1 lest we be deprived of it4 ,for whosoever challenges that as proper to himself1 which ,thou propoundest to all to enjoy1 and would have that his own which belongs to all1 is driven from what is in common to his own2 that is1 from truth1 to a lie4 ,for he that speaketh a lie1 speaketh it of his own4 ,hearken1 ,o ,god1 ,thou best judge2 ,truth ,itself1 hearken to what ,i shall say to this gainsayer1 hearken1 for before ,thee do ,i speak1 and before my brethren1 who employ ,thy law lawfully1 to the end of charity3 hearken and behold1 if it please ,thee1 what ,i shall say to him4 ,for this brotherly and peaceful word do ,i return unto ,him3 ,if we both see that to be true that ,thou sayest1 and both see that to be true that ,i say1 where1 ,i pray ,thee1 do we see it8 ,neither ,i in thee1 nor thou in me2 but both in the unchangeable ,truth itself1 which is above our souls4 ,seeing then we strive not about the very light of the ,lord ,god1 why strive we about the thoughts of our neighbour which we cannot so see1 as the unchangeable ,truth is seen3 for that1 if ,moses himself had appeared to us and said1 ,this ,i meant2 neither so should we see it1 but should believe it4 ,let us not then be puffed up for one against another1 above that which is written3 let us love the ,lord our ,god with all our heart1 with all our soul1 and with all our mind3 and our neighbour as ourself4 ,with a view to which two precepts of charity1 unless we believe that ,moses meant1 whatsoever in those books he did mean1 we shall make ,god a liar1 imagining otherwise of our fellow servant's mind1 than he hath taught us4 ,behold now1 how foolish it is1 in such abundance of most true meanings1 as may be extracted out of those words1 rashly to affirm1 which of them ,moses principally meant2 and with pernicious contentions to offend charity itself1 for whose sake he spake every thing1 whose words we go about to expound4 ,and yet ,i1 ,o my ,god1 ,thou lifter up of my humility1 and rest of my labour1 ,who hearest my confessions1 and forgivest my sins3 seeing ,thou commandest me to love my neighbour as myself1 ,i cannot believe that ,thou gavest a less gift unto ,moses ,thy faithful servant1 than ,i would wish or desire ,thee to have given me1 had ,i been born in the time he was1 and hadst ,thou set me in that office1 that by the service of my heart and tongue those books might be dispensed1 which for so long after were to profit all nations1 and through the whole world from such an eminence of authority1 were to surmount all sayings of false and proud teachings4 ,i should have desired verily1 had ,i then been ,moses 7for we all come from the same lump1 and what is man1 saving that ,thou art mindful of him871 ,i would then1 had ,i been then what he was1 and been enjoined by ,thee to write the book of ,genesis1 have desired such a power of expression and such a style to be given me1 that neither they who cannot yet understand how ,god created1 might reject the sayings1 as beyond their capacity2 and they who had attained thereto1 might find what true opinion soever they had by thought arrived at1 not passed over in those few words of that ,thy servant3 and should another man by the light of truth have discovered another1 neither should that fail of being discoverable in those same words4 ,for as a fountain within a narrow compass1 is more plentiful1 and supplies a tide for more streams over larger spaces1 than any one of those streams1 which1 after a wide interval1 is derived from the same fountain2 so the relation of that dispenser of ,thine1 which was to benefit many who were to discourse thereon1 does out of a narrow scantling of language1 overflow into streams of clearest truth1 whence every man may draw out for himself such truth as he can upon these subjects1 one1 one truth1 another1 another1 by larger circumlocutions of discourse4 ,for some1 when they read1 or hear these words1 conceive that ,god like a man or some mass endued with unbounded power1 by some new and sudden resolution1 did1 exterior to itself1 as it were at a certain distance1 create heaven and earth1 two great bodies above and below1 wherein all things were to be contained4 ,and when they hear1 ,god said1 ,let it be made1 and it was made2 they conceive of words begun and ended1 sounding in time1 and passing away2 after whose departure1 that came into being1 which was commanded so to do2 and whatever of the like sort1 men's acquaintance with the material world would suggest4 ,in whom1 being yet little ones and carnal1 while their weakness is by this humble kind of speech1 carried on1 as in a mother's bosom1 their faith is wholesomely built up1 whereby they hold assured1 that ,god made all natures1 which in admirable variety their eye beholdeth around4 ,which words1 if any despising1 as too simple1 with a proud weakness1 shall stretch himself beyond the guardian nest2 he will1 alas1 fall miserably4 ,have pity1 ,o ,lord ,god1 lest they who go by the way trample on the unfledged bird1 and send ,thine angel to replace it into the nest1 that it may live1 till it can fly4 ,but others1 unto whom these words are no longer a nest1 but deep shady fruit-bowers1 see the fruits concealed therein1 fly joyously around1 and with cheerful notes seek out1 and pluck them4 ,for reading or hearing these words1 they see that all times past and to come1 are surpassed by ,thy eternal and stable abiding2 and yet that there is no creature formed in time1 not of ,thy making4 ,whose will1 because it is the same that ,thou art1 ,thou madest all things1 not by any change of will1 nor by a will1 which before was not1 and that these things were not out of ,thyself1 in ,thine own likeness1 which is the form of all things2 but out of nothing1 a formless unlikeness1 which should be formed by ,thy likeness 7recurring to ,thy ,unity1 according to their appointed capacity1 so far as is given to each thing in his kind71 and might all be made very good2 whether they abide around ,thee1 or being in gradation removed in time and place1 made or undergo the beautiful variations of the ,universe4 ,these things they see1 and rejoice1 in the little degree they here may1 in the light of ,thy truth4 ,another bends his mind on that which is said1 ,in the ,beginning ,god made heaven and earth2 and beholdeth therein ,wisdom1 the ,beginning because ,it also speaketh unto us4 ,another likewise bends his mind on the same words1 and by ,beginning understands the commencement of things created2 ,in the beginning ,he made1 as if it were said1 ,he at first made4 ,and among them that understand ,in the ,beginning to mean1 ,in ,thy ,wisdom ,thou createdst heaven and earth1 one believes the matter out of which the heaven and earth were to be created1 to be there called heaven and earth2 another1 natures already formed and distinguished2 another1 one formed nature1 and that a spiritual1 under the name ,heaven1 the other formless1 a corporeal matter1 under the name ,earth4 ,they again who by the names heaven and earth1 understand matter as yet formless1 out of which heaven and earth were to be formed1 neither do they understand it in one way2 but the one1 that matter out of which both the intelligible and the sensible creature were to be perfected2 another1 that only1 out of which this sensible corporeal mass was to be made1 containing in its vast bosom these visible and ordinary natures4 ,neither do they1 who believe the creatures already ordered and arranged1 to be in this place called heaven and earth1 understand the same2 but the one1 both the invisible and visible1 the other1 the visible only1 in which we behold this lightsome heaven1 and darksome earth1 with the things in them contained4 ,but he that no otherwise understands ,in the ,beginning ,he made1 than if it were said1 ,at first ,he made1 can only truly understand heaven and earth of the matter of heaven and earth1 that is1 of the universal intelligible and corporeal creation4 ,for if he would understand thereby the universe1 as already formed1 it may be rightly demanded of him1 ,if ,god made this first1 what made ,he afterwards8 and after the universe1 he will find nothing2 whereupon must he against his will hear another question2 ,how did ,god make this first1 if nothing after8 ,but when he says1 ,god made matter first formless1 then formed1 there is no absurdity1 if he be but qualified to discern1 what precedes by eternity1 what by time1 what by choice1 and what in original4 ,by eternity1 as ,god is before all things2 by time1 as the flower before the fruit2 by choice1 as the fruit before the flower2 by original1 as the sound before the tune4 ,of these four1 the first and last mentioned1 are with extreme difficulty understood1 the two middle1 easily4 ,for a rare and too lofty a vision is it1 to behold ,thy ,eternity1 ,o ,lord1 unchangeably making things changeable2 and thereby before them4 ,and who1 again1 is of so sharp-sighted understanding1 as to be able without great pains to discern1 how the sound is therefore before the tune2 because a tune is a formed sound2 and a thing not formed1 may exist2 whereas that which existeth not1 cannot be formed4 ,thus is the matter before the thing made2 not because it maketh it1 seeing itself is rather made2 nor is it before by interval of time2 for we do not first in time utter formless sounds without singing1 and subsequently adapt or fashion them into the form of a chant1 as wood or silver1 whereof a chest or vessel is fashioned4 ,for such materials do by time also precede the forms of the things made of them1 but in singing it is not so2 for when it is sung1 its sound is heard2 for there is not first a formless sound1 which is afterwards formed into a chant4 ,for each sound1 so soon as made1 passeth away1 nor canst thou find ought to recall and by art to compose4 ,so then the chant is concentrated in its sound1 which sound of his is his matter4 ,and this indeed is formed1 that it may be a tune2 and therefore 7as ,i said7 the matter of the sound is before the form of the tune2 not before1 through any power it hath to make it a tune2 for a sound is no way the workmaster of the tune2 but is something corporeal1 subjected to the soul which singeth1 whereof to make a tune4 ,nor is it first in time2 for it is given forth together with the tune2 nor first in choice1 for a sound is not better than a tune1 a tune being not only a sound1 but a beautiful sound4 ,but it is first in original1 because a tune receives not form to become a sound1 but a sound receives a form to become a tune4 ,by this example1 let him that is able1 understand how the matter of things was first made1 and called heaven and earth1 because heaven and earth were made out of it4 ,yet was it not made first in time2 because the forms of things give rise to time2 but that was without form1 but now is1 in time1 an object of sense together with its form4 ,and yet nothing can be related of that matter1 but as though prior in time1 whereas in value it is last 7because things formed are superior to things without form7 and is preceded by the ,eternity of the ,creator3 that so there might be out of nothing1 whereof somewhat might be created4 ,in this diversity of the true opinions1 let ,truth herself produce concord4 ,and our ,god have mercy upon us1 that we may use the law lawfully1 the end of the commandment1 pure charity4 ,by this if man demands of me1 which of these was the meaning of ,thy servant ,moses2 this were not the language of my ,confessions1 should ,i not confess unto ,thee1 ,i know not2 and yet ,i know that those senses are true1 those carnal ones excepted1 of which ,i have spoken what seemed necessary4 ,and even those hopeful little ones who so think1 have this benefit1 that the words of ,thy ,book affright them not1 delivering high things lowlily1 and with few words a copious meaning4 ,and all we who1 ,i confess1 see and express the truth delivered in those words1 let us love one another1 and jointly love ,thee our ,god1 the fountain of truth1 if we are athirst for it1 and not for vanities2 yea1 let us so honour this ,thy servant1 the dispenser of this ,scripture1 full of ,thy ,spirit1 as to believe that1 when by ,thy revelation he wrote these things1 he intended that1 which among them chiefly excels both for light of truth1 and fruitfulness of profit4 ,so when one says1 ,moses meant as ,i do2 and another1 ,nay1 but as ,i do1 ,i suppose that ,i speak more reverently1 ,why not rather as both1 if both be true8 ,and if there be a third1 or a fourth1 yea if any other seeth any other truth in those words1 why may not he be believed to have seen all these1 through whom the ,one ,god hath tempered the holy ,scriptures to the senses of many1 who should see therein things true but divers8 ,for ,i certainly 7and fearlessly ,i speak it from my heart71 that were ,i to indite any thing to have supreme authority1 ,i should prefer so to write1 that whatever truth any could apprehend on those matters1 might be conveyed in my words1 rather than set down my own meaning so clearly as to exclude the rest1 which not being false1 could not offend me4 ,i will not therefore1 ,o my ,god1 be so rash1 as not to believe1 that ,thou vouchsafedst as much to that great man4 ,he without doubt1 when he wrote those words1 perceived and thought on what truth soever we have been able to find1 yea and whatsoever we have not been able1 nor yet are1 but which may be found in them4 ,lastly1 ,o ,lord1 who art ,god and not flesh and blood1 if man did see less1 could any thing be concealed from ,thy good ,spirit 7who shall lead me into the land of uprightness71 which ,thou ,thyself by those words wert about to reveal to readers in times to come1 though he through whom they were spoken1 perhaps among many true meanings1 thought on some one8 which if so it be1 let that which he thought on be of all the highest4 ,but to us1 ,o ,lord1 do ,thou1 either reveal that same1 or any other true one which ,thou pleasest2 that so1 whether ,thou discoverest the same to us1 as to that ,thy servant1 or some other by occasion of those words1 yet ,thou mayest feed us1 not error deceive us4 ,behold1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 how much we have written upon a few words1 how much ,i beseech ,thee6 ,what strength of ours1 yea what ages would suffice for all ,thy books in this manner8 ,permit me then in these more briefly to confess unto ,thee1 and to choose some one true1 certain1 and good sense that ,thou shalt inspire me1 although many should occur1 where many may occur2 this being the law my confession1 that if ,i should say that which ,thy minister intended1 that is right and best2 for this should ,i endeavour1 which if ,i should not attain1 yet ,i should say that1 which ,thy ,truth willed by his words to tell me1 which revealed also unto him1 what ,it willed4 ,,book ,,xiii ,i call upon ,thee1 ,o my ,god1 my mercy1 ,who createdst me1 and forgottest not me1 forgetting ,thee4 ,i call ,thee into my soul which1 by the longing ,thyself inspirest into her1 ,thou preparest for ,thee4 ,forsake me not now calling upon ,thee1 whom ,thou preventedst before ,i called1 and urgedst me with much variety of repeated calls1 that ,i would hear ,thee from afar1 and be converted1 and call upon ,thee1 that calledst after me2 for ,thou1 ,lord1 blottedst out all my evil deservings1 so as not to repay into my hands1 wherewith ,i fell from ,thee2 and ,thou hast prevented all my well deservings1 so as to repay the work of ,thy hands wherewith ,thou madest me2 because before ,i was1 ,thou wert2 nor was ,i any thing1 to which ,thou mightest grant to be2 and yet behold1 ,i am1 out of ,thy goodness1 preventing all this which ,thou hast made me1 and whereof ,thou hast made me4 ,for neither hadst ,thou need of me1 nor am ,i any such good1 as to be helpful unto ,thee1 my ,lord and ,god2 not in serving ,thee1 as though ,thou wouldest tire in working2 or lest ,thy power might be less1 if lacking my service3 nor cultivating ,thy service1 as a land1 that must remain uncultivated1 unless ,i cultivated ,thee3 but serving and worshipping ,thee1 that ,i might receive a well-being from ,thee1 from whom it comes1 that ,i have a being capable of well-being4 ,for of the fulness of ,thy goodness1 doth ,thy creature subsist1 that so a good1 which could no ways profit ,thee1 nor was of ,thee 7lest so it should be equal to ,thee71 might yet be since it could be made of ,thee4 ,for what did heaven and earth1 which ,thou madest in the ,beginning1 deserve of ,thee8 ,let those spiritual and corporeal natures which ,thou madest in ,thy ,wisdom1 say wherein they deserved of ,thee1 to depend thereon 7even in that their several inchoate and formless state1 whether spiritual or corporeal1 ready to fall away into an immoderate liberty and far-distant unlikeliness unto ,thee2--the spiritual1 though without form1 superior to the corporeal though formed1 and the corporeal though without form1 better than were it altogether nothing71 and so to depend upon ,thy ,word1 as formless1 unless by the same ,word they were brought back to ,thy ,unity1 indued with form and from ,thee the ,one ,sovereign ,good were made all very good4 ,how did they deserve of ,thee1 to be even without form1 since they had not been even this1 but from ,thee8 ,how did corporeal matter deserve of ,thee1 to be even invisible and without form8 seeing it were not even this1 but that ,thou madest it1 and therefore because it was not1 could not deserve of ,thee to be made4 ,or how could the inchoate spiritual creature deserve of ,thee1 even to ebb and flow darksomely like the deep1--unlike ,thee1 unless it had been by the same ,word turned to that1 by ,whom it was created1 and by ,him so enlightened1 become light2 though not equally1 yet conformably to that ,form which is equal unto ,thee8 ,for as in a body1 to be1 is not one with being beautiful1 else could it not be deformed2 so likewise to a created spirit to live1 is not one with living wisely2 else should it be wise unchangeably4 ,but good it is for it always to hold fast to ,thee2 lest what light it hath obtained by turning to ,thee1 it lose by turning from ,thee1 and relapse into life resembling the darksome deep4 ,for we ourselves also1 who as to the soul are a spiritual creature1 turned away from ,thee our light1 were in that life sometimes darkness2 and still labour amidst the relics of our darkness1 until in ,thy ,only ,one we become ,thy righteousness1 like the mountains of ,god4 ,for we have been ,thy judgments1 which are like the great deep4 ,that which ,thou saidst in the beginning of the creation1 ,let there be light1 and there was light2 ,i do1 not unsuitably1 understand of the spiritual creature3 because there was already a sort of life1 which ,thou mightest illuminate4 ,but as it had no claim on ,thee for a life1 which could be enlightened1 so neither now that it was1 had it any1 to be enlightened4 ,for neither could its formless estate be pleasing unto ,thee1 unless it became light1 and that not by existing simply1 but by beholding the illuminating light1 and cleaving to it2 so that1 that it lived1 and lived happily1 it owes to nothing but ,thy grace1 being turned by a better change unto ,that which cannot be changed into worse or better2 which ,thou alone art1 because ,thou alone simply art2 unto ,thee it being not one thing to live1 another to live blessedly1 seeing ,thyself art ,thine own ,blessedness4 ,what then could be wanting unto ,thy good1 which ,thou ,thyself art1 although these things had either never been1 or remained without form2 which thou madest1 not out of any want1 but out of the fulness of ,thy goodness1 restraining them and converting them to form1 not as though ,thy joy were fulfilled by them8 ,for to ,thee being perfect1 is their imperfection displeasing1 and hence were they perfected by ,thee1 and please ,thee2 not as wert ,thou imperfect1 and by their perfecting wert also to be perfected4 ,for ,thy good ,spirit indeed was borne over the waters1 not borne up by them1 as if ,he rested upon them4 ,for those1 on whom ,thy good ,spirit is said to rest1 ,he causes to rest in ,himself4 ,but ,thy incorruptible and unchangeable will1 in itself all-sufficient for itself1 was borne upon that life which ,thou hadst created2 to which1 living is not one with happy living1 seeing it liveth also1 ebbing and flowing in its own darkness3 for which it remaineth to be converted unto ,him1 by ,whom it was made1 and to live more and more by the fountain of life1 and in ,his light to see light1 and to be perfected1 and enlightened1 and beautified4 ,lo1 now the ,trinity appears unto me in a glass darkly1 which is ,thou my ,god1 because ,thou1 ,o ,father1 in ,him ,who is the ,beginning of our wisdom1 ,which is ,thy ,wisdom1 born of ,thyself1 equal unto ,thee and coeternal1 that is1 in ,thy ,son1 createdst heaven and earth4 ,much now have we said of the ,heaven of heavens1 and of the earth invisible and without form1 and of the darksome deep1 in reference to the wandering instability of its spiritual deformity1 unless it had been converted unto ,him1 from ,whom it had its then degree of life1 and by ,his enlightening became a beauteous life1 and the heaven of that heaven1 which was afterwards set between water and water4 ,and under the name of ,god1 ,i now held the ,father1 who made these things1 and under the name of ,beginning1 the ,son1 in whom ,he made these things2 and believing1 as ,i did1 my ,god as the ,trinity1 ,i searched further in ,his holy words1 and lo1 ,thy ,spirit moved upon the waters4 ,behold the ,trinity1 my ,god1 ,father1 and ,son1 and ,holy ,ghost1 ,creator of all creation4 ,but what was the cause1 ,o true-speaking ,light8--unto ,thee lift ,i up my heart1 let it not teach me vanities1 dispel its darkness2 and tell me1 ,i beseech ,thee1 by our mother charity1 tell me the reason1 ,i beseech ,thee1 why after the mention of heaven1 and of the earth invisible and without form1 and darkness upon the deep1 ,thy ,scripture should then at length mention ,thy ,spirit8 ,was it because it was meet that the knowledge of ,him should be conveyed1 as being borne above2 and this could not be said1 unless that were first mentioned1 over which ,thy ,spirit may be understood to have been borne4 ,for neither was ,he borne above the ,father1 nor the ,son1 nor could ,he rightly be said to be borne above1 if ,he were borne over nothing4 ,first then was that to be spoken of1 over which ,he might be borne2 and then ,he1 whom it was meet not otherwise to be spoken of than as being borne4 ,but wherefore was it not meet that the knowledge of ,him should be conveyed otherwise1 than as being borne above8 ,hence let him that is able1 follow with his understanding ,thy ,apostle1 where he thus speaks1 ,because ,thy love is shed abroad in our hearts by the ,holy ,ghost which is given unto us3 and where concerning spiritual gifts1 he teacheth and showeth unto us a more excellent way of charity2 and where he bows his knee unto ,thee for us1 that we may know the supereminent knowledge of the love of ,christ4 ,and therefore from the beginning1 was ,he borne supereminent above the waters4 ,to whom shall ,i speak this8 how speak of the weight of evil desires1 downwards to the steep abyss2 and how charity raises up again by ,thy ,spirit which was borne above the waters8 to whom shall ,i speak it8 how speak it8 ,for it is not in space that we are merged and emerge4 ,what can be more1 and yet what less like8 ,they be affections1 they be loves2 the uncleanness of our spirit flowing away downwards with the love of cares1 and the holiness of ,thine raising us upward by love of unanxious repose2 that we may lift our hearts unto ,thee1 where ,thy ,spirit is borne above the waters2 and come to that supereminent repose1 when our soul shall have passed through the waters which yield no support4 ,angels fell away1 man's soul fell away1 and thereby pointed the abyss in that dark depth1 ready for the whole spiritual creation1 hadst not ,thou said from the beginning1 ,let there be light1 and there had been light1 and every obedient intelligence of ,thy heavenly ,city had cleaved to ,thee1 and rested in ,thy ,spirit1 ,which is borne unchangeably over every thing changeable4 ,otherwise1 had even the heaven of heavens been in itself a darksome deep2 but now it is light in the ,lord4 ,for even in that miserable restlessness of the spirits1 who fell away and discovered their own darkness1 when bared of the clothing of ,thy light1 dost ,thou sufficiently reveal how noble ,thou madest the reasonable creature2 to which nothing will suffice to yield a happy rest1 less than ,thee2 and so not even herself4 ,for ,thou1 ,o our ,god1 shalt lighten our darkness3 from ,thee riseth our garment of light2 and then shall our darkness be as the noon day4 ,give ,thyself unto me1 ,o my ,god1 restore ,thyself unto me3 behold ,i love1 and if it be too little1 ,i would love more strongly4 ,i cannot measure so as to know1 how much love there yet lacketh to me1 ere my life may run into ,thy embracements1 nor turn away1 until it be hidden in the hidden place of ,thy ,presence4 ,this only ,i know1 that woe is me except in ,thee3 not only without but within myself also2 and all abundance1 which is not my ,god1 is emptiness to me4 ,but was not either the ,father1 or the ,son1 borne above the waters8 if this means1 in space1 like a body1 then neither was the ,holy ,spirit2 but if the unchangeable supereminence of ,divinity above all things changeable1 then were both ,father1 and ,son1 and ,holy ,ghost borne upon the waters4 ,why then is this said of ,thy ,spirit only1 why is it said only of ,him8 ,as if ,he had been in place1 ,who is not in place1 of ,whom only it is written1 that ,he is ,thy gift8 ,in ,thy ,gift we rest2 there we enjoy ,thee4 ,our rest is our place4 ,love lifts us up thither1 and ,thy good ,spirit lifts up our lowliness from the gates of death4 ,in ,thy good pleasure is our peace4 ,the body by its own weight strives towards its own place4 ,weight makes not downward only1 but to his own place4 ,fire tends upward1 a stone downward4 ,they are urged by their own weight1 they seek their own places4 ,oil poured below water1 is raised above the water2 water poured upon oil1 sinks below the oil4 ,they are urged by their own weights to seek their own places4 ,when out of their order1 they are restless2 restored to order1 they are at rest4 ,my weight1 is my love2 thereby am ,i borne1 whithersoever ,i am borne4 ,we are inflamed1 by ,thy ,gift we are kindled2 and are carried upwards2 we glow inwardly1 and go forwards4 ,we ascend ,thy ways that be in our heart1 and sing a song of degrees2 we glow inwardly with ,thy fire1 with ,thy good fire1 and we go2 because we go upwards to the peace of ,jerusalem3 for gladdened was ,i in those who said unto me1 ,we will go up to the house of the ,lord4 ,there hath ,thy good pleasure placed us1 that we may desire nothing else1 but to abide there for ever4 ,blessed creature1 which being itself other than ,thou1 has known no other condition1 than that1 so soon as it was made1 it was1 without any interval1 by ,thy ,gift1 ,which is borne above every thing changeable1 borne aloft by that calling whereby ,thou saidst1 ,let there be light1 and there was light4 ,whereas in us this took place at different times1 in that we were darkness1 and are made light3 but of that is only said1 what it would have been1 had it not been enlightened4 ,and1 this is so spoken1 as if it had been unsettled and darksome before2 that so the cause whereby it was made otherwise1 might appear1 namely1 that being turned to the ,light unfailing it became light4 ,whoso can1 let him understand this2 let him ask of ,thee4 ,why should he trouble me1 as if ,i could enlighten any man that cometh into this world8 ,which of us comprehendeth the ,almighty ,trinity8 and yet which speaks not of ,it1 if indeed it be ,it8 ,rare is the soul1 which while it speaks of ,it1 knows what it speaks of4 ,and they contend and strive1 yet1 without peace1 no man sees that vision4 ,i would that men would consider these three1 that are in themselves4 ,these three be indeed far other than the ,trinity3 ,i do but tell1 where they may practise themselves1 and there prove and feel how far they be4 ,now the three ,i spake of are1 ,to ,be1 to ,know1 and to ,will4 ,for ,i ,am1 and ,know1 and ,will3 ,i ,am ,knowing and ,willing3 and ,i ,know myself to ,be1 and to ,will3 and ,i ,will to ,be1 and to ,know4 ,in these three then1 let him discern that can1 how inseparable a life there is1 yea one life1 mind1 and one essence1 yea lastly how inseparable a distinction there is1 and yet a distinction4 ,surely a man hath it before him2 let him look into himself1 and see1 and tell me4 ,but when he discovers and can say any thing of these1 let him not therefore think that he has found that which is above these ,unchangeable1 which ,is unchangeably1 and ,knows unchangeably1 and ,wills unchangeably2 and whether because of these three1 there is in ,god also a ,trinity1 or whether all three be in ,each1 so that the three belong to ,each2 or whether both ways at once1 wondrously1 simply and yet manifoldly1 ,itself a bound unto ,itself within ,itself1 yet unbounded2 whereby ,it is1 and is ,known unto ,itself and sufficeth to itself1 unchangeably the ,self-same1 by the abundant greatness of its ,unity1--who can readily conceive this8 who could any ways express it8 who would1 any way1 pronounce thereon rashly8 ,proceed in thy confession1 say to the ,lord thy ,god1 ,o my faith1 ,holy1 ,holy1 ,holy1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 in ,thy ,name have we been baptised1 ,father1 ,son1 and ,holy ,ghost2 in ,thy ,name do we baptise1 ,father1 ,son1 and ,holy ,ghost1 because among us also1 in ,his ,christ did ,god make heaven and earth1 namely1 the spiritual and carnal people of ,his ,church4 ,yea and our earth1 before it received the form of doctrine1 was invisible and without form2 and we were covered with the darkness of ignorance4 ,for ,thou chastenedst man for iniquity1 and ,thy judgments were like the great deep unto him4 ,but because ,thy ,spirit was borne above the waters1 ,thy mercy forsook not our misery1 and ,thou saidst1 ,let there be light1 ,repent ye1 for the kingdom of heaven is at hand4 ,repent ye1 let there be light4 ,and because our soul was troubled within us1 we remembered ,thee1 ,o ,lord1 from the land of ,jordan1 and that mountain equal unto ,thyself1 but little for our sakes3 and our darkness displeased us1 we turned unto ,thee and there was light4 ,and1 behold1 we were sometimes darkness1 but now light in the ,lord4 ,but as yet by faith and not by sight1 for by hope we are saved2 but hope that is seen1 is not hope4 ,as yet doth deep call unto deep1 but now in the voice of ,thy water-spouts4 ,as yet doth he that saith1 ,i could not speak unto you as unto spiritual1 but as unto carnal1 even he as yet1 doth not think himself to have apprehended1 and forgetteth those things which are behind1 and reacheth forth to those which are before1 and groaneth being burthened1 and his soul thirsteth after the ,living ,god1 as the hart after the water-brooks1 and saith1 ,when shall ,i come8 desiring to be clothed upon with his house which is from heaven1 and calleth upon this lower deep1 saying1 ,be not conformed to this world1 but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind4 ,and1 be not children in understanding1 but in malice1 be ye children1 that in understanding ye may be perfect2 and ,o foolish ,galatians1 who hath bewitched you8 ,but now no longer in his own voice2 but in ,thine who sentest ,thy ,spirit from above2 through ,him who ascended up on high1 and set open the flood-gates of ,his gifts1 that the force of ,his streams might make glad the city of ,god4 ,him doth this friend of the ,bridegroom sigh after1 having now the first-fruits of the ,spirit laid up with ,him1 yet still groaning within himself1 waiting for the adoption1 to wit1 the redemption of his body2 to ,him he sighs1 a member of the ,bride2 for ,him he is jealous1 as being a friend of the ,bridegroom2 for ,him he is jealous1 not for himself2 because in the voice of ,thy water-spouts1 not in his own voice1 doth he call to that other depth1 over whom being jealous he feareth1 lest as the serpent beguiled ,eve through his subtilty1 so their minds should be corrupted from the purity that is in our ,bridegroom ,thy only ,son4 ,o what a light of beauty will that be1 when we shall see ,him as ,he is1 and those tears be passed away1 which have been my meat day and night1 whilst they daily say unto me1 ,where is now ,thy ,god8 ,behold1 ,i too say1 ,o my ,god1 ,where art ,thou8 see1 where ,thou art6 in ,thee ,i breathe a little1 when ,i pour out my soul by myself in the voice of joy and praise1 the sound of him that keeps holy-day4 ,and yet again it is sad1 because it relapseth1 and becomes a deep1 or rather perceives itself still to be a deep4 ,unto it speaks my faith which ,thou hast kindled to enlighten my feet in the night1 ,why art thou sad1 ,o my soul1 and why dost thou trouble me8 ,hope in the ,lord2 ,his word is a lanthorn unto thy feet3 hope and endure1 until the night1 the mother of the wicked1 until the wrath of the ,lord1 be overpast1 whereof we also were once children1 who were sometimes darkness1 relics whereof we bear about us in our body1 dead because of sin2 until the day break1 and the shadows fly away4 ,hope thou in the ,lord2 in the morning ,i shall stand in ,thy presence1 and contemplate ,thee3 ,i shall for ever confess unto ,thee4 ,in the morning ,i shall stand in ,thy presence1 and shall see the health of my countenance1 my ,god1 who also shall quicken our mortal bodies1 by the ,spirit that dwelleth in us1 because ,he hath in mercy been borne over our inner darksome and floating deep3 from ,whom we have in this pilgrimage received an earnest1 that we should now be light3 whilst we are saved by hope1 and are the children of light1 and the children of the day1 not the children of the night1 nor of the darkness1 which yet sometimes we were4 ,betwixt whom and us1 in this uncertainty of human knowledge1 ,thou only dividest2 ,thou1 who provest our hearts1 and callest the light1 day1 and the darkness1 night4 ,for who discerneth us1 but ,thou8 ,and what have we1 that we have not received of ,thee8 out of the same lump vessels are made unto honour1 whereof others also are made unto dishonour4 ,or who1 except ,thou1 our ,god1 made for us that firmament of authority over us in ,thy ,divine ,scripture8 as it is said1 ,for heaven shall be folded up like a scroll2 and now is it stretched over us like a skin4 ,for ,thy ,divine ,scripture is of more eminent authority1 since those mortals by whom ,thou dispensest it unto us1 underwent mortality4 ,and ,thou knowest1 ,lord1 ,thou knowest1 how ,thou with skins didst clothe men1 when they by sin became mortal4 ,whence ,thou hast like a skin stretched out the firmament of ,thy book1 that is1 ,thy harmonizing words1 which by the ministry of mortal men ,thou spreadest over us4 ,for by their very death was that solid firmament of authority1 in ,thy discourses set forth by them1 more eminently extended over all that be under it2 which whilst they lived here1 was not so eminently extended4 ,thou hadst not as yet spread abroad the heaven like a skin2 ,thou hadst not as yet enlarged in all directions the glory of their deaths4 ,let us look1 ,o ,lord1 upon the heavens1 the work of ,thy fingers2 clear from our eyes that cloud1 which ,thou hast spread under them4 ,there is ,thy testimony1 which giveth wisdom unto the little ones3 perfect1 ,o my ,god1 ,thy praise out of the mouth of babes and sucklings4 ,for we know no other books1 which so destroy pride1 which so destroy the enemy and the defender1 who resisteth ,thy reconciliation by defending his own sins4 ,i know not1 ,lord1 ,i know not any other such pure words1 which so persuade me to confess1 and make my neck pliant to ,thy yoke1 and invite me to serve ,thee for nought4 ,let me understand them1 good ,father3 grant this to me1 who am placed under them3 because for those placed under them1 hast ,thou established them4 ,other waters there be above this firmament1 ,i believe immortal1 and separated from earthly corruption4 ,let them praise ,thy ,name1 let them praise ,thee1 the supercelestial people1 ,thine angels1 who have no need to gaze up at this firmament1 or by reading to know of ,thy ,word4 ,for they always behold ,thy face1 and there read without any syllables in time1 what willeth ,thy eternal will2 they read1 they choose1 they love4 ,they are ever reading2 and that never passes away which they read2 for by choosing1 and by loving1 they read the very unchangeableness of ,thy counsel4 ,their book is never closed1 nor their scroll folded up2 seeing ,thou ,thyself art this to them1 and art eternally2 because ,thou hast ordained them above this firmament1 which ,thou hast firmly settled over the infirmity of the lower people1 where they might gaze up and learn ,thy mercy1 announcing in time ,thee ,who madest times4 ,for ,thy mercy1 ,o ,lord1 is in the heavens1 and ,thy truth reacheth unto the clouds4 ,the clouds pass away1 but the heaven abideth4 ,the preachers of ,thy word pass out of this life into another2 but ,thy ,scripture is spread abroad over the people1 even unto the end of the world4 ,yet heaven and earth also shall pass away1 but ,thy words shall not pass away4 ,because the scroll shall be rolled together3 and the grass over which it was spread1 shall with the goodliness of it pass away2 but ,thy ,word remaineth for ever1 which now appeareth unto us under the dark image of the clouds1 and through the glass of the heavens1 not as it is3 because we also1 though the well-beloved of ,thy ,son1 yet it hath not yet appeared what we shall be4 ,he looketh through the lattice of our flesh1 and ,he spake us tenderly1 and kindled us1 and we ran after ,his odours4 ,but when ,he shall appear1 then shall we be like ,him1 for we shall see ,him as ,he is4 ,as ,he is1 ,lord1 will our sight be4 ,for altogether1 as ,thou art1 ,thou only knowest2 ,who art unchangeably1 and knowest unchangeably1 and willest unchangeably4 ,and ,thy ,essence ,knoweth1 and ,willeth unchangeably2 and ,thy ,knowledge ,is1 and ,willeth unchangeably2 and ,thy ,will ,is1 and ,knoweth unchangeably4 ,nor seemeth it right in ,thine eyes1 that as the ,unchangeable ,light knoweth ,itself1 so should it be known by the thing enlightened1 and changeable4 ,therefore is my soul like a land where no water is1 because as it cannot of itself enlighten itself1 so can it not of itself satisfy itself4 ,for so is the fountain of life with ,thee1 like as in ,thy light we shall see light4 ,who gathered the embittered together into one society8 ,for they have all one end1 a temporal and earthly felicity1 for attaining whereof they do all things1 though they waver up and down with an innumerable variety of cares4 ,who1 ,lord1 but ,thou1 saidst1 ,let the waters be gathered together into one place1 and let the dry land appear1 which thirsteth after ,thee8 ,for the sea also is ,thine1 and ,thou hast made it1 and ,thy hands prepared the dry land4 ,nor is the bitterness of men's wills1 but the gathering together of the waters1 called sea2 for ,thou restrainest the wicked desires of men's souls1 and settest them their bounds1 how far they may be allowed to pass1 that their waves may break one against another3 and thus makest ,thou it a sea1 by the order of ,thy dominion over all things4 ,but the souls that thirst after ,thee1 and that appear before ,thee 7being by other bounds divided from the society of the sea71 ,thou waterest by a sweet spring1 that the earth may bring forth her fruit1 and ,thou1 ,lord ,god1 so commanding1 our soul may bud forth works of mercy according to their kind1 loving our neighbour in the relief of his bodily necessities1 having seed in itself according to its likeness1 when from feeling of our infirmity1 we compassionate so as to relieve the needy2 helping them1 as we would be helped2 if we were in like need2 not only in things easy1 as in herb yielding seed1 but also in the protection of our assistance1 with our best strength1 like the tree yielding fruit3 that is1 well-doing in rescuing him that suffers wrong1 from the hand of the powerful1 and giving him the shelter of protection1 by the mighty strength of just judgment4 ,so1 ,lord1 so1 ,i beseech ,thee1 let there spring up1 as ,thou doest1 as ,thou givest cheerfulness and ability1 let truth spring out of the earth1 and righteousness look down from heaven1 and let there be lights in the firmament4 ,let us break our bread to the hungry1 and bring the houseless poor to our house4 ,let us clothe the naked1 and despise not those of our own flesh4 ,which fruits having sprung out of the earth1 see it is good3 and let our temporary light break forth2 and ourselves1 from this lower fruitfulness of action1 arriving at the delightfulness of contemplation1 obtaining the ,word of ,life above1 appear like lights in the world1 cleaving to the firmament of ,thy ,scripture4 ,for there ,thou instructest us1 to divide between the things intellectual1 and things of sense1 as betwixt the day and the night2 or between souls1 given either to things intellectual1 or things of sense1 so that now not ,thou only in the secret of ,thy judgment1 as before the firmament was made1 dividest between the light and the darkness1 but ,thy spiritual children also set and ranked in the same firmament 7now that ,thy grace is laid open throughout the world71 may give light upon the earth1 and divide betwixt the day and the night1 and be for signs of times1 that old things are passed away1 and1 behold1 all things are become new2 and that our salvation is nearer than when we believed3 and that the night is far spent1 and the day is at hand3 and that ,thou wilt crown ,thy year with blessing1 sending the labourers of ,thy goodness into ,thy harvest1 in sowing whereof1 others have laboured1 sending also into another field1 whose harvest shall be in the end4 ,thus grantest ,thou the prayers of him that asketh1 and blessest the years of the just2 but ,thou art the same1 and in ,thy years which fail not1 ,thou preparest a garner for our passing years4 ,for ,thou by an eternal counsel dost in their proper seasons bestow heavenly blessings upon the earth4 ,for to one is given by the ,spirit the word of wisdom1 as it were the lesser light3 to another faith2 to another the gift with the light of perspicuous truth1 as it were for the rule of the day4 ,to another the word of knowledge by the same ,spirit1 as it were the lesser light3 to another faith2 to another the gift of healing2 to another the working of miracles2 to another prophecy2 to another discerning of spirits2 to another divers kinds of tongues4 ,and all these as it were stars4 ,for all these worketh the one and self-same spirit1 dividing to every man his own as ,he will2 and causing stars to appear manifestly1 to profit withal4 ,but the word of knowledge1 wherein are contained all ,sacraments1 which are varied in their seasons as it were the moon1 and those other notices of gifts1 which are reckoned up in order1 as it were stars1 inasmuch as they come short of that brightness of wisdom1 which gladdens the forementioned day1 are only for the rule of the night4 ,for they are necessary to such1 as that ,thy most prudent servant could not speak unto as unto spiritual1 but as unto carnal2 even he1 who speaketh wisdom among those that are perfect4 ,but the natural man1 as it were a babe in ,christ and fed on milk1 until he be strengthened for solid meat and his eye be enabled to behold the ,sun1 let him not dwell in a night forsaken of all light1 but be content with the light of the moon and the stars4 ,so dost ,thou speak to us1 our ,all-wise ,god1 in ,thy ,book1 ,thy firmament2 that we may discern all things1 in an admirable contemplation2 though as yet in signs and in times1 and in days1 and in years4 ,but first1 wash you1 be clean2 put away evil from your souls1 and from before mine eyes1 that the dry land may appear4 ,learn to do good1 judge the fatherless1 plead for the widow1 that the earth may bring forth the green herb for meat1 and the tree bearing fruit2 and come1 let us reason together1 saith the ,lord1 that there may be lights in the firmament of the heaven1 and they may shine upon the earth4 ,that rich man asked of the good ,master1 what he should do to attain eternal life4 ,let the good ,master tell him 7whom he thought no more than man2 but ,he is good because ,he is ,god71 let ,him tell him1 if he would enter into life1 he must keep the commandments3 let him put away from him the bitterness of malice and wickedness2 not kill1 not commit adultery1 not steal1 not bear false witness2 that the dry land may appear1 and bring forth the honouring of father and mother1 and the love of our neighbour4 ,all these 7saith he7 have ,i kept4 ,whence then so many thorns1 if the earth be fruitful8 ,go1 root up the spreading thickets of covetousness2 sell that thou hast1 and be filled with fruit1 by giving to the poor1 and thou shalt have treasure in heaven2 and follow the ,lord if thou wilt be perfect1 associated with them1 among whom ,he speaketh wisdom1 ,who knoweth what to distribute to the day1 and to the night1 that thou also mayest know it1 and for thee there may be lights in the firmament of heaven2 which will not be1 unless thy heart be there3 nor will that either be1 unless there thy treasure be2 as thou hast heard of the good ,master4 ,but that barren earth was grieved2 and the thorns choked the word4 ,but you1 chosen generation1 you weak things of the world1 who have forsaken all1 that ye may follow the ,lord2 go after ,him1 and confound the mighty2 go after ,him1 ye beautiful feet1 and shine ye in the firmament1 that the heavens may declare ,his glory1 dividing between the light of the perfect1 though not as the angels1 and the darkness of the little ones1 though not despised4 ,shine over the earth2 and let the day1 lightened by the sun1 utter unto day1 speech of wisdom2 and night1 shining with the moon1 show unto night1 the word of knowledge4 ,the moon and stars shine for the night2 yet doth not the night obscure them1 seeing they give it light in its degree4 ,for behold ,god saying1 as it were1 ,let there be lights in the firmament of heaven2 there came suddenly a sound from heaven1 as it had been the rushing of a mighty wind1 and there appeared cloven tongues like as of fire1 and it sat upon each of them4 ,and there were made lights in the firmament of heaven1 having the word of life4 ,run ye to and fro every where1 ye holy fires1 ye beauteous fires2 for ye are the light of the world1 nor are ye put under a bushel2 ,he whom you cleave unto1 is exalted1 and hath exalted you4 ,run ye to and fro1 and be known unto all nations4 ,let the sea also conceive and bring forth your works2 and let the waters bring forth the moving creature that hath life4 ,for ye1 separating the precious from the vile1 are made the mouth of ,god1 by whom ,he saith1 ,let the waters bring forth1 not the living creature which the earth brings forth1 but the moving creature having life1 and the fowls that fly above the earth4 ,for ,thy ,sacraments1 ,o ,god1 by the ministry of ,thy holy ones1 have moved amid the waves of temptations of the world1 to hallow the ,gentiles in ,thy ,name1 in ,thy ,baptism4 ,and amid these things1 many great wonders were wrought1 as it were great whales3 and the voices of ,thy messengers flying above the earth1 in the open firmament of ,thy ,book2 that being set over them1 as their authority under which they were to fly1 whithersoever they went4 ,for there is no speech nor language1 where their voice is not heard3 seeing their sound is gone through all the earth1 and their words to the end of the world1 because ,thou1 ,lord1 multipliedst them by blessing4 ,speak ,i untruly1 or do ,i mingle and confound1 and not distinguish between the lucid knowledge of these things in the firmament of heaven1 and the material works in the wavy sea1 and under the firmament of heaven8 ,for of those things whereof the knowledge is substantial and defined1 without any increase by generation1 as it were lights of wisdom and knowledge1 yet even of them1 the material operations are many and divers2 and one thing growing out of another1 they are multiplied by ,thy blessing1 ,o ,god1 who hast refreshed the fastidiousness of mortal senses2 that so one thing in the understanding of our mind1 may1 by the motions of the body1 be many ways set out1 and expressed4 ,these ,sacraments have the waters brought forth2 but in ,thy word4 ,the necessities of the people estranged from the eternity of ,thy truth1 have brought them forth1 but in ,thy ,gospel2 because the waters themselves cast them forth1 the diseased bitterness whereof was the cause1 why they were sent forth in ,thy ,word4 ,now are all things fair that ,thou hast made2 but behold1 ,thyself art unutterably fairer1 that madest all2 from whom had not ,adam fallen1 the brackishness of the sea had never flowed out of him1 that is1 the human race so profoundly curious1 and tempestuously swelling1 and restlessly tumbling up and down2 and then had there been no need of ,thy dispensers to work in many waters1 after a corporeal and sensible manner1 mysterious doings and sayings4 ,for such those moving and flying creatures now seem to me to mean1 whereby people being initiated and consecrated by corporeal ,sacraments1 should not further profit1 unless their soul had a spiritual life1 and unless after the word of admission1 it looked forwards to perfection4 ,and hereby1 in ,thy ,word1 not the deepness of the sea1 but the earth separated from the bitterness of the waters1 brings forth1 not the moving creature that hath life1 but the living soul4 ,for now hath it no more need of baptism1 as the heathen have1 and as itself had1 when it was covered with the waters2 7for no other entrance is there into the kingdom of heaven1 since ,thou hast appointed that this should be the entrance73 nor does it seek after wonderfulness of miracles to work belief2 for it is not such1 that unless it sees signs and wonders1 it will not believe1 now that the faithful earth is separated from the waters that were bitter with infidelity2 and tongues are for a sign1 not to them that believe1 but to them that believe not4 ,neither then does that earth which ,thou hast founded upon the waters1 need that flying kind1 which at ,thy word the waters brought forth4 ,send ,thou ,thy word into it by ,thy messengers3 for we speak of their working1 yet it is ,thou that workest in them that they may work out a living soul in it4 ,the earth brings it forth1 because the earth is the cause that they work this in the soul2 as the sea was the cause that they wrought upon the moving creatures that have life1 and the fowls that fly under the firmament of heaven1 of whom the earth hath no need2 although it feeds upon that fish which was taken out of the deep1 upon that table which ,thou hast prepared in the presence of them that believe4 ,for therefore was ,he taken out of the deep1 that ,he might feed the dry land2 and the fowl1 though bred in the sea1 is yet multiplied upon the earth4 ,for of the first preachings of the ,evangelists1 man's infidelity was the cause2 yet are the faithful also exhorted and blessed by them manifoldly1 from day to day4 ,but the living soul takes his beginning from the earth3 for it profits only those already among the ,faithful1 to contain themselves from the love of this world1 that so their soul may live unto ,thee1 which was dead while it lived in pleasures2 in death-bringing pleasures1 ,lord1 for ,thou1 ,lord1 art the life-giving delight of the pure heart4 ,now then let ,thy ministers work upon the earth1--not as upon the waters of infidelity1 by preaching and speaking by miracles1 and ,sacraments1 and mystic words2 wherein ignorance1 the mother of admiration1 might be intent upon them1 out of a reverence towards those secret signs4 ,for such is the entrance unto the ,faith for the sons of ,adam forgetful of ,thee1 while they hide themselves from ,thy face1 and become a darksome deep4 ,but--let ,thy ministers work now as on the dry land1 separated from the whirlpools of the great deep3 and let them be a pattern unto the ,faithful1 by living before them1 and stirring them up to imitation4 ,for thus do men hear1 so as not to hear only1 but to do also4 ,seek the ,lord1 and your soul shall live1 that the earth may bring forth the living soul4 ,be not conformed to the world4 ,contain yourselves from it3 the soul lives by avoiding what it dies by affecting4 ,contain yourselves from the ungoverned wildness of pride1 the sluggish voluptuousness of luxury1 and the false name of knowledge3 that so the wild beasts may be tamed1 the cattle broken to the yoke1 the serpents1 harmless4 ,for these be the motions of our mind under an allegory2 that is to say1 the haughtiness of pride1 the delight of lust1 and the poison of curiosity1 are the motions of a dead soul2 for the soul dies not so as to lose all motion2 because it dies by forsaking the fountain of life1 and so is taken up by this transitory world1 and is conformed unto it4 ,but ,thy word1 ,o ,god1 is the fountain of life eternal2 and passeth not away3 wherefore this departure of the soul is restrained by ,thy word1 when it is said unto us1 ,be not conformed unto this world2 that so the earth may in the fountain of life bring forth a living soul2 that is1 a soul made continent in ,thy ,word1 by ,thy ,evangelists1 by following the followers of ,thy ,christ4 ,for this is after his kind2 because a man is wont to imitate his friend4 ,be ye 7saith he7 as ,i am1 for ,i also am as you are4 ,thus in this living soul shall there be good beasts1 in meekness of action 7for ,thou hast commanded1 ,go on with thy business in meekness1 so shalt thou be beloved by all men72 and good cattle1 which neither if they eat1 shall they over-abound1 nor1 if they eat not1 have any lack2 and good serpents1 not dangerous1 to do hurt1 but wise to take heed2 and only making so much search into this temporal nature1 as may suffice that eternity be clearly seen1 being understood by the things that are made4 ,for these creatures are obedient unto reason1 when being restrained from deadly prevailing upon us1 they live1 and are good4 ,for behold1 ,o ,lord1 our ,god1 our ,creator1 when our affections have been restrained from the love of the world1 by which we died through evil-living2 and begun to be a living soul1 through good living2 and ,thy word which ,thou spokest by ,thy apostle1 is made good in us1 ,be not conformed to this world3 there follows that also1 which ,thou presently subjoinedst1 saying1 ,but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind2 not now after your kind1 as though following your neighbour who went before you1 nor as living after the example of some better man 7for ,thou saidst not1 ,let man be made after his kind1 but1 ,let us make man after our own image and similitude71 that we might prove what ,thy will is4 ,for to this purpose said that dispenser of ,thine 7who begat children by the ,gospel71 that he might not for ever have them babes1 whom he must be fain to feed with milk1 and cherish as a nurse2 be ye transformed 7saith he7 by the renewing of your mind1 that ye may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of ,god4 ,wherefore ,thou sayest not1 ,let man be made1 but ,let us make man4 ,nor saidst ,thou1 according to his kind2 but1 after our image and likeness4 ,for man being renewed in his mind1 and beholding and understanding ,thy truth1 needs not man as his director1 so as to follow after his kind2 but by ,thy direction proveth what is that good1 that acceptable1 and perfect will of ,thine3 yea1 ,thou teachest him1 now made capable1 to discern the ,trinity of the ,unity1 and the ,unity of the ,trinity4 ,wherefore to that said in the plural1 ,let us make man1 is yet subjoined in the singular1 ,and ,god made man3 and to that said in the plural1 ,after our likeness1 is subjoined in the singular1 ,after the image of ,god4 ,thus is man renewed in the knowledge of ,god1 after the image of ,him that created him3 and being made spiritual1 he judgeth all things 7all things which are to be judged71 yet himself is judged of no man4 ,but that he judgeth all things1 this answers to his having dominion over the fish of the sea1 and over the fowls of the air1 and over all cattle and wild beasts1 and over all the earth1 and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth4 ,for this he doth by the understanding of his mind1 whereby he perceiveth the things of the ,spirit of ,god2 whereas otherwise1 man being placed in honour1 had no understanding1 and is compared unto the brute beasts1 and is become like unto them4 ,in ,thy ,church therefore1 ,o our ,god1 according to ,thy grace which ,thou hast bestowed upon it 7for we are ,thy workmanship created unto good works71 not those only who are spiritually set over1 but they also who spiritually are subject to those that are set over them1--for in this way didst ,thou make man male and female1 in ,thy grace spiritual1 where1 according to the sex of body1 there is neither male nor female1 because neither ,jew nor ,grecian1 neither bond nor free4--,spiritual persons 7whether such as are set over1 or such as obey72 do judge spiritually2 not of that spiritual knowledge which shines in the firmament 7for they ought not to judge as to so supreme authority71 nor may they judge of ,thy ,book itself1 even though something there shineth not clearly2 for we submit our understanding unto it1 and hold for certain1 that even what is closed to our sight1 is yet rightly and truly spoken4 ,for so man1 though now spiritual and renewed in the knowledge of ,god after ,his image that created him1 ought to be a doer of the law1 not a judge4 ,neither doth he judge of that distinction of spiritual and carnal men1 who are known unto ,thine eyes1 ,o our ,god1 and have not as yet discovered themselves unto us by works1 that by their fruits we might know them3 but ,thou1 ,lord1 dost even now know them1 and hast divided and called them in secret1 or ever the firmament was made4 ,nor doth he1 though spiritual1 judge the unquiet people of this world2 for what hath he to do1 to judge them that are without1 knowing not which of them shall hereafter come into the sweetness of ,thy grace2 and which continue in the perpetual bitterness of ungodliness8 ,man therefore1 whom ,thou hast made after ,thine own image1 received not dominion over the lights of heaven1 nor over that hidden heaven itself1 nor over the day and the night1 which ,thou calledst before the foundation of the heaven1 nor over the gathering together of the waters1 which is the sea2 but ,he received dominion over the fishes of the sea1 and the fowls of the air1 and over all cattle1 and over all the earth1 and over all creeping things which creep upon the earth4 ,for ,he judgeth and approveth what ,he findeth right1 and ,he disalloweth what ,he findeth amiss1 whether in the celebration of those ,sacraments by which such are initiated1 as ,thy mercy searches out in many waters3 or in that1 in which that ,fish is set forth1 which1 taken out of the deep1 the devout earth feedeth upon3 or in the expressions and signs of words1 subject to the authority of ,thy ,book1--such signs1 as proceed out of the mouth1 and sound forth1 flying as it were under the firmament1 by interpreting1 expounding1 discoursing disputing1 consecrating1 or praying unto ,thee1 so that the people may answer1 ,amen4 ,the vocal pronouncing of all which words1 is occasioned by the deep of this world1 and the blindness of the flesh1 which cannot see thoughts2 ,so that there is need to speak aloud into the ears2 so that1 although flying fowls be multiplied upon the earth1 yet they derive their beginning from the waters4 ,the spiritual man judgeth also by allowing of what is right1 and disallowing what he finds amiss1 in the works and lives of the faithful2 their alms1 as it were the earth bringing forth fruit1 and of the living soul1 living by the taming of the affections1 in chastity1 in fasting1 in holy meditations2 and of those things1 which are perceived by the senses of the body4 ,upon all these is he now said to judge1 wherein he hath also power of correction4 ,but what is this1 and what kind of mystery8 ,behold1 ,thou blessest mankind1 ,o ,lord1 that they may increase and multiply1 and replenish the earth2 dost ,thou not thereby give us a hint to understand something8 why didst ,thou not as well bless the light1 which ,thou calledst day2 nor the firmament of heaven1 nor the lights1 nor the stars1 nor the earth1 nor the sea8 ,i might say that ,thou1 ,o ,god1 who created us after ,thine ,image1 ,i might say1 that it had been ,thy good pleasure to bestow this blessing peculiarly upon man2 hadst ,thou not in like manner blessed the fishes and the whales1 that they should increase and multiply1 and replenish the waters of the sea1 and that the fowls should be multiplied upon the earth4 ,i might say likewise1 that this blessing pertained properly unto such creatures1 as are bred of their own kind1 had ,i found it given to the fruit-trees1 and plants1 and beasts of the earth4 ,but now neither unto the herbs1 nor the trees1 nor the beasts1 nor serpents is it said1 ,increase and multiply2 notwithstanding all these as well as the fishes1 fowls1 or men1 do by generation increase and continue their kind4 ,what then shall ,i say1 ,o ,truth my ,light8 that it was idly said1 and without meaning8 ,not so1 ,o ,father of piety1 far be it from a minister of ,thy word to say so4 ,and if ,i understand not what ,thou meanest by that phrase1 let my betters1 that is1 those of more understanding than myself1 make better use of it1 according as ,thou1 my ,god1 hast given to each man to understand4 ,but let my confession also be pleasing in ,thine eyes1 wherein ,i confess unto ,thee1 that ,i believe1 ,o ,lord1 that ,thou spokest not so in vain2 nor will ,i suppress1 what this lesson suggests to me4 ,for it is true1 nor do ,i see what should hinder me from thus understanding the figurative sayings of ,thy ,bible4 ,for ,i know a thing to be manifoldly signified by corporeal expressions1 which is understood one way by the mind2 and that understood many ways in the mind1 which is signified one way by corporeal expression4 ,behold1 the single love of ,god and our neighbour1 by what manifold sacraments1 and innumerable languages1 and in each several language1 in how innumerable modes of speaking1 it is corporeally expressed4 ,thus do the offspring of the waters increase and multiply4 ,observe again1 whosoever readest this2 behold1 what ,scripture delivers1 and the voice pronounces one only way1 ,in the ,beginning ,god created heaven and earth2 is it not understood manifoldly1 not through any deceit of error1 but by various kinds of true senses8 ,thus do man's offspring increase and multiply4 ,if therefore we conceive of the natures of the things themselves1 not allegorically1 but properly1 then does the phrase increase and multiply1 agree unto all things1 that come of seed4 ,but if we treat of the words as figuratively spoken 7which ,i rather suppose to be the purpose of the ,scripture1 which doth not1 surely1 superfluously ascribe this benediction to the offspring of aquatic animals and man only72 then do we find multitude to belong to creatures spiritual as well as corporeal1 as in heaven and earth1 and to righteous and unrighteous1 as in light and darkness2 and to holy authors who have been the ministers of the ,law unto us1 as in the firmament which is settled betwixt the waters and the waters2 and to the society of people yet in the bitterness of infidelity1 as in the sea2 and to the zeal of holy souls1 as in the dry land2 and to works of mercy belonging to this present life1 as in the herbs bearing seed1 and in trees bearing fruit2 and to spiritual gifts set forth for edification1 as in the lights of heaven2 and to affections formed unto temperance1 as in the living soul4 ,in all these instances we meet with multitudes1 abundance1 and increase2 but what shall in such wise increase and multiply that one thing may be expressed many ways1 and one expression understood many ways2 we find not1 except in signs corporeally expressed1 and in things mentally conceived4 ,by signs corporeally pronounced we understand the generations of the waters1 necessarily occasioned by the depth of the flesh2 by things mentally conceived1 human generations1 on account of the fruitfulness of reason4 ,and for this end do we believe ,thee1 ,lord1 to have said to these kinds1 ,increase and multiply4 ,for in this blessing1 ,i conceive ,thee to have granted us a power and a faculty1 both to express several ways what we understand but one2 and to understand several ways1 what we read to be obscurely delivered but in one4 ,thus are the waters of the sea replenished1 which are not moved but by several significations3 thus with human increase is the earth also replenished1 whose dryness appeareth in its longing1 and reason ruleth over it4 ,i would also say1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 what the following ,scripture minds me of2 yea1 ,i will say1 and not fear4 ,for ,i will say the truth1 ,thyself inspiring me with what ,thou willedst me to deliver out of those words4 ,but by no other inspiration than ,thine1 do ,i believe myself to speak truth1 seeing ,thou art the ,truth1 and every man a liar4 ,he therefore that speaketh a lie1 speaketh of his own2 that therefore ,i may speak truth1 ,i will speak of ,thine4 ,behold1 ,thou hast given unto us for food every herb bearing seed which is upon all the earth2 and every tree1 in which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed4 ,and not to us alone1 but also to all the fowls of the air1 and to the beasts of the earth1 and to all creeping things2 but unto the fishes and to the great whales1 hast ,thou not given them4 ,now we said that by these fruits of the earth were signified1 and figured in an allegory1 the works of mercy which are provided for the necessities of this life out of the fruitful earth4 ,such an earth was the devout ,onesiphorus1 unto whose house ,thou gavest mercy1 because he often refreshed ,thy ,paul1 and was not ashamed of his chain4 ,thus did also the brethren1 and such fruit did they bear1 who out of ,macedonia supplied what was lacking to him4 ,but how grieved he for some trees1 which did not afford him the fruit due unto him1 where he saith1 ,at my first answer no man stood by me1 but all men forsook me4 ,i pray ,god that it may not be laid to their charge4 ,for these fruits are due to such as minister the spiritual doctrine unto us out of their understanding of the divine mysteries2 and they are due to them1 as men2 yea and due to them also1 as the living soul1 which giveth itself as an example1 in all continency2 and due unto them also1 as flying creatures1 for their blessings which are multiplied upon the earth1 because their sound went out into all lands4 ,but they are fed by these fruits1 that are delighted with them2 nor are they delighted with them1 whose ,god is their belly4 ,for neither in them that yield them1 are the things yielded the fruit1 but with what mind they yield them4 ,he therefore that served ,god1 and not his own belly1 ,i plainly see why he rejoiced2 ,i see it1 and ,i rejoice with him4 ,for he had received from the ,philippians1 what they had sent by ,epaphroditus unto him3 and yet ,i perceive why he rejoiced4 ,for whereat he rejoiced upon that he fed2 for1 speaking in truth1 ,i rejoiced 7saith he7 greatly in the ,lord1 that now at the last your care of me hath flourished again1 wherein ye were also careful1 but it had become wearisome unto you4 ,these ,philippians then had now dried up1 with a long weariness1 and withered as it were as to bearing this fruit of a good work2 and he rejoiceth for them1 that they flourished again1 not for himself1 that they supplied his wants4 ,therefore subjoins he1 not that ,i speak in respect of want1 for ,i have learned in whatsoever state ,i am1 therewith to be content4 ,i know both how to be abased1 and ,i know how to abound2 every where and in all things ,i am instructed both to be full1 and to be hungry2 both to abound1 and to suffer need4 ,i can do all things through ,him which strengtheneth me4 ,whereat then rejoicest thou1 ,o great ,paul8 whereat rejoicest thou8 whereon feedest thou1 ,o man1 renewed in the knowledge of ,god1 after the image of ,him that created thee1 thou living soul1 of so much continency1 thou tongue like flying fowls1 speaking mysteries8 7for to such creatures1 is this food due27 what is it that feeds thee8 joy4 ,hear we what follows3 notwithstanding1 ye have well done1 that ye did communicate with my affliction4 ,hereat he rejoiceth1 hereon feedeth2 because they had well done1 not because his strait was eased1 who saith unto ,thee1 ,thou hast enlarged me when ,i was in distress2 for that he knew to abound1 and to suffer want1 in ,thee ,who strengthenest him4 ,for ye ,philippians also know 7saith he71 that in the beginning of the ,gospel1 when ,i departed from ,macedonia1 no ,church communicated with me as concerning giving and receiving1 but ye only4 ,for even in ,thessalonica ye sent once and again unto my necessity4 ,unto these good works1 he now rejoiceth that they are returned2 and is gladdened that they flourished again1 as when a fruitful field resumes its green4 ,was it for his own necessities1 because he said1 ,ye sent unto my necessity8 ,rejoiceth he for that8 ,verily not for that4 ,but how know we this8 ,because himself says immediately1 not because ,i desire a gift1 but ,i desire fruit4 ,i have learned of ,thee1 my ,god1 to distinguish betwixt a gift1 and fruit4 ,a gift1 is the thing itself which he gives1 that imparts these necessaries unto us2 as money1 meat1 drink1 clothing1 shelter1 help3 but the fruit1 is the good and right will of the giver4 ,for the ,good ,master said not only1 ,he that receiveth a prophet1 but added1 in the name of a prophet3 nor did ,he only say1 ,he that receiveth a righteous man1 but added1 in the name of a righteous man4 ,so verily shall the one receive the reward of a prophet1 the other1 the reward of a righteous man3 nor saith ,he only1 ,he that shall give to drink a cup of cold water to one of my little ones2 but added1 in the name of a disciple3 and so concludeth1 ,verily ,i say unto you1 he shall not lose his reward4 ,the gift is1 to receive a prophet1 to receive a righteous man1 to give a cup of cold water to a disciple3 but the fruit1 to do this in the name of a prophet1 in the name of a righteous man1 in the name of a disciple4 ,with fruit was ,elijah fed by the widow that knew she fed a man of ,god1 and therefore fed him3 but by the raven was he fed with a gift4 ,nor was the inner man of ,elijah so fed1 but the outer only2 which might also for want of that food have perished4 ,i will then speak what is true in ,thy sight1 ,o ,lord1 that when carnal men and infidels 7for the gaining and initiating whom1 the initiatory ,sacraments and the mighty workings of miracles are necessary1 which we suppose to be signified by the name of fishes and whales7 undertake the bodily refreshment1 or otherwise succour ,thy servant with something useful for this present life2 whereas they be ignorant1 why this is to be done1 and to what end2 neither do they feed these1 nor are these fed by them2 because neither do the one do it out of an holy and right intent2 nor do the other rejoice at their gifts1 whose fruit they as yet behold not4 ,for upon that is the mind fed1 of which it is glad4 ,and therefore do not the fishes and whales feed upon such meats1 as the earth brings not forth until after it was separated and divided from the bitterness of the waves of the sea4 ,and ,thou1 ,o ,god1 sawest every thing that ,thou hadst made1 and1 behold1 it was very good4 ,yea we also see the same1 and behold1 all things are very good4 ,of the several kinds of ,thy works1 when ,thou hadst said let them be1 and they were1 ,thou sawest each that it was good4 ,seven times have ,i counted it to be written1 that ,thou sawest that that which ,thou madest was good3 and this is the eighth1 that ,thou sawest every thing that ,thou hadst made1 and1 behold1 it was not only good1 but also very good1 as being now altogether4 ,for severally1 they were only good2 but altogether1 both good1 and very good4 ,all beautiful bodies express the same2 by reason that a body consisting of members all beautiful1 is far more beautiful than the same members by themselves are1 by whose well-ordered blending the whole is perfected2 notwithstanding that the members severally be also beautiful4 ,and ,i looked narrowly to find1 whether seven1 or eight times ,thou sawest that ,thy works were good1 when they pleased ,thee2 but in ,thy seeing ,i found no times1 whereby ,i might understand that ,thou sawest so often1 what ,thou madest4 ,and ,i said1 ,lord1 is not this ,thy ,scripture true1 since ,thou art true1 and being ,truth1 hast set it forth8 why then dost ,thou say unto me1 'that in ,thy seeing there be no times'2 whereas this ,thy ,scripture tells me1 that what ,thou madest each day1 ,thou sawest that it was good3 and when ,i counted them1 ,i found how often4 ,unto this ,thou answerest me1 for ,thou art my ,god1 and with a strong voice tellest ,thy servant in his inner ear1 breaking through my deafness and crying1 ,o man1 that which ,my ,scripture saith1 ,i say3 and yet doth that speak in time2 but time has no relation to ,my ,word2 because ,my ,word exists in equal eternity with ,myself4 ,so the things which ye see through ,my ,spirit1 ,i see2 like as what ye speak by ,my ,spirit1 ,i speak4 ,and so when ye see those things in time1 ,i see them not in time2 as when ye speak in time1 ,i speak them not in time4 ,and ,i heard1 ,o ,lord my ,god1 and drank up a drop of sweetness out of ,thy truth1 and understood1 that certain men there be who mislike ,thy works2 and say1 that many of them ,thou madest1 compelled by necessity2 such as the fabric of the heavens1 and harmony of the stars2 and that ,thou madest them not of what was ,thine1 but that they were otherwhere and from other sources created1 for ,thee to bring together and compact and combine1 when out of ,thy conquered enemies ,thou raisedst up the walls of the universe2 that they1 bound down by the structure1 might not again be able to rebel against ,thee4 ,for other things1 they say ,thou neither madest them1 nor even compactedst them1 such as all flesh and all very minute creatures1 and whatsoever hath its root in the earth2 but that a mind at enmity with ,thee1 and another nature not created by ,thee1 and contrary unto ,thee1 did1 in these lower stages of the world1 beget and frame these things4 ,frenzied are they who say thus1 because they see not ,thy works by ,thy ,spirit1 nor recognise ,thee in them4 ,but they who by ,thy ,spirit see these things1 ,thou seest in them4 ,therefore when they see that these things are good1 ,thou seest that they are good2 and whatsoever things for ,thy sake please1 ,thou pleasest in them1 and what through ,thy ,spirit please us1 they please ,thee in us4 ,for what man knoweth the things of a man1 save the spirit of a man1 which is in him8 even so the things of ,god knoweth no one1 but the ,spirit of ,god4 ,now we 7saith he7 have received1 not the spirit of this world1 but the ,spirit which is of ,god1 that we might know the things that are freely given to us of ,god4 ,and ,i am admonished1 ,truly the things of ,god knoweth no one1 but the ,spirit of ,god3 how then do we also know1 what things are given us of ,god8 ,answer is made me2 because the things which we know by ,his ,spirit1 even these no one knoweth1 but the ,spirit of ,god4 ,for as it is rightly said unto those that were to speak by the ,spirit of ,god1 it is not ye that speak3 so is it rightly said to them that know through the ,spirit of ,god1 ',it is not ye that know4' ,and no less then is it rightly said to those that see through the ,spirit of ,god1 ',it is not ye that see'2 so whatsoever through the ,spirit of ,god they see to be good1 it is not they1 but ,god that sees that it is good4 ,it is one thing then for a man to think that to be ill which is good1 as the forenamed do2 another1 that that which is good1 a man should see that it is good 7as ,thy creatures be pleasing unto many1 because they be good1 whom yet ,thou pleasest not in them1 when they prefer to enjoy them1 to ,thee72 and another1 that when a man sees a thing that it is good1 ,god should in him see that it is good1 so1 namely1 that ,he should be loved in that which ,he made1 ,who cannot be loved1 but by the ,holy ,ghost which ,he hath given4 ,because the love of ,god is shed abroad in our hearts by the ,holy ,ghost1 ,which is given unto us3 by ,whom we see that whatsoever in any degree is1 is good4 ,for from ,him it is1 who ,himself ,is not in degree1 but what ,he ,is1 ,is4 ,thanks to ,thee1 ,o ,lord4 ,we behold the heaven and earth1 whether the corporeal part1 superior and inferior1 or the spiritual and corporeal creature2 and in the adorning of these parts1 whereof the universal pile of the world1 or rather the universal creation1 doth consist1 we see light made1 and divided from the darkness4 ,we see the firmament of heaven1 whether that primary body of the world1 between the spiritual upper waters and the inferior corporeal waters1 or 7since this also is called heaven7 this space of air through which wander the fowls of heaven1 betwixt those waters which are in vapours borne above them1 and in clear nights distill down in dew2 and those heavier waters which flow along the earth4 ,we behold a face of waters gathered together in the fields of the sea2 and the dry land both void1 and formed so as to be visible and harmonized1 yea and the matter of herbs and trees4 ,we behold the lights shining from above1 the sun to suffice for the day1 the moon and the stars to cheer the night2 and that by all these1 times should be marked and signified4 ,we behold on all sides a moist element1 replenished with fishes1 beasts1 and birds2 because the grossness of the air1 which bears up the flights of birds1 thickeneth itself by the exhalation of the waters4 ,we behold the face of the earth decked out with earthly creatures1 and man1 created after ,thy image and likeness1 even through that ,thy very image and likeness 7that is the power of reason and understanding71 set over all irrational creatures4 ,and as in his soul there is one power which has dominion by directing1 another made subject1 that it might obey2 so was there for the man1 corporeally also1 made a woman1 who in the mind of her reasonable understanding should have a parity of nature1 but in the sex of her body1 should be in like manner subject to the sex of her husband1 as the appetite of doing is fain to conceive the skill of right-doing from the reason of the mind4 ,these things we behold1 and they are severally good1 and altogether very good4 ,let ,thy works praise ,thee1 that we may love ,thee2 and let us love ,thee1 that ,thy works may praise ,thee1 which from time have beginning and ending1 rising and setting1 growth and decay1 form and privation4 ,they have then their succession of morning and evening1 part secretly1 part apparently2 for they were made of nothing1 by ,thee1 not of ,thee2 not of any matter not ,thine1 or that was before1 but of matter concreated 7that is1 at the same time created by ,thee71 because to its state without form1 ,thou without any interval of time didst give form4 ,for seeing the matter of heaven and earth is one thing1 and the form another1 ,thou madest the matter of merely nothing1 but the form of the world out of the matter without form3 yet both together1 so that the form should follow the matter1 without any interval of delay4 ,we have also examined what ,thou willedst to be shadowed forth1 whether by the creation1 or the relation of things in such an order4 ,and we have seen1 that things singly are good1 and together very good1 in ,thy ,word1 in ,thy ,only-,begotten1 both heaven and earth1 the ,head and the body of the ,church1 in ,thy predestination before all times1 without morning and evening4 ,but when ,thou begannest to execute in time the things predestinated1 to the end ,thou mightest reveal hidden things1 and rectify our disorders2 for our sins hung over us1 and we had sunk into the dark deep2 and ,thy good ,spirit was borne over us1 to help us in due season2 and ,thou didst justify the ungodly1 and dividest them from the wicked2 and ,thou madest the firmament of authority of ,thy ,book between those placed above1 who were to be docile unto ,thee1 and those under1 who were to be subject to them3 and ,thou gatheredst together the society of unbelievers into one conspiracy1 that the zeal of the faithful might appear1 and they might bring forth works of mercy1 even distributing to the poor their earthly riches1 to obtain heavenly4 ,and after this didst ,thou kindle certain lights in the firmament1 ,thy ,holy ones1 having the word of life2 and shining with an eminent authority set on high through spiritual gifts2 after that again1 for the initiation of the unbelieving ,gentiles1 didst ,thou out of corporeal matter produce the ,sacraments1 and visible miracles1 and forms of words according to the firmament of ,thy ,book1 by which the faithful should be blessed and multiplied4 ,next didst ,thou form the living soul of the faithful1 through affections well ordered by the vigour of continency3 and after that1 the mind subjected to ,thee alone and needing to imitate no human authority1 hast ,thou renewed after ,thy image and likeness2 and didst subject its rational actions to the excellency of the understanding1 as the woman to the man2 and to all ,offices of ,thy ,ministry1 necessary for the perfecting of the faithful in this life1 ,thou willedst1 that for their temporal uses1 good things1 fruitful to themselves in time to come1 be given by the same faithful4 ,all these we see1 and they are very good1 because ,thou seest them in us1 ,who hast given unto us ,thy ,spirit1 by which we might see them1 and in them love ,thee4 ,o ,lord ,god1 give peace unto us3 7for ,thou hast given us all things27 the peace of rest1 the peace of the ,sabbath1 which hath no evening4 ,for all this most goodly array of things very good1 having finished their courses1 is to pass away1 for in them there was morning and evening4 ,but the seventh day hath no evening1 nor hath it setting2 because ,thou hast sanctified it to an everlasting continuance2 that that which ,thou didst after ,thy works which were very good1 resting the seventh day1 although ,thou madest them in unbroken rest1 that may the voice of ,thy ,book announce beforehand unto us1 that we also after our works 7therefore very good1 because ,thou hast given them us71 shall rest in ,thee also in the ,sabbath of eternal life4 ,for then shalt ,thou rest in us1 as now ,thou workest in us2 and so shall that be ,thy rest through us1 as these are ,thy works through us4 ,but ,thou1 ,lord1 ever workest1 and art ever at rest4 ,nor dost ,thou see in time1 nor art moved in time1 nor restest in a time2 and yet ,thou makest things seen in time1 yea the times themselves1 and the rest which results from time4 ,we therefore see these things which ,thou madest1 because they are3 but they are1 because ,thou seest them4 ,and we see without1 that they are1 and within1 that they are good1 but ,thou sawest them there1 when made1 where ,thou sawest them1 yet to be made4 ,and we were at a later time moved to do well1 after our hearts had conceived of ,thy ,spirit2 but in the former time we were moved to do evil1 forsaking ,thee2 but ,thou1 the ,one1 the ,good ,god1 didst never cease doing good4 ,and we also have some good works1 of ,thy gift1 but not eternal2 after them we trust to rest in ,thy great hallowing4 ,but ,thou1 being the ,good which needeth no good1 art ever at rest1 because ,thy rest is ,thou ,thyself4 ,and what man can teach man to understand this8 or what ,angel1 an ,angel8 or what ,angel1 a man8 ,let it be asked of ,thee1 sought in ,thee1 knocked for at ,thee2 so1 so shall it be received1 so shall it be found1 so shall it be opened4 ,amen4 ,,gratias ,,tibi ,,domine