,transcriber's ,note3 ,this etext was produced from the ,march #aiec issue of ,galaxy4 ,extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the ,u4,s4 copyright on this publication was renewed4 games ,by ,,katherine ,mac,l,e,a,n ,it is a tough assignment for a child to know where a daydream ends and impossibility begins6 ,illustrated by ,,ashman 99 99 99 99 99 ,ronny was playing by himself1 which meant he was two tribes of ,indians having a war4 ,bang1 he muttered1 firing an imaginary rifle4 ,he decided that it was a time in history before the white people had sold the ,indians any guns1 and changed the rifle into a bow4 ,wizzthunk1 he substituted1 mimicking from an ,indian film on ,,tv the graphic sound of an arrow striking flesh4 ,oof4 ,he folded down onto the grass1 moaning1 ,uhhhooh 444 and relaxing into defeat and death4 ,want some chocolate milk1 ,ronny8 asked his mother's voice from the kitchen4 ,no1 thanks1 he called back1 climbing to his feet to be another man4 ,wizzthunk1 wizzthunk1 he added to the flights of arrows as the best archer in the tribe4 ,last arrow4 ,wizzzz1 he said1 missing one enemy for realism4 ,he addressed another battling brave4 ,who has more arrows8 ,they are coming too close4 ,no time--,i'll have to use my knife4 ,he drew the imaginary knife1 ducking an arrow as it shot close4 99 99 99 99 99 ,then he was the tribal chief standing somewhere else1 and he saw that the warriors left alive were outnumbered4 ,we must retreat4 ,we cannot leave our tribe without warriors to protect the women4 ,ronny decided that the chief was heroically wounded1 his voice wavering from weakness4 ,he had been propping himself against a tree to appear unharmed1 but now he moved so that his braves could see he was pinned to the trunk by an arrow and could not walk4 ,they cried out4 ,he said1 ,leave me and escape4 ,but remember4444 ,no words came1 just the feeling of being what he was1 a dying old eagle1 a chief of warriors1 speaking to young warriors who would need advice of seasoned humor and moderation to carry them through their young battles4 ,he had to finish the sentence1 tell them something wise4 ,ronny tried harder1 pulling the feeling around him like a cloak of resignation and pride1 leaning indifferently against the tree where the arrow had pinned him1 hearing dimly in anticipation the sound of his aged voice conquering weakness to speak wisely of what they needed to be told4 ,they had many battles ahead of them1 and the battles would be against odds1 with so many dead already4 ,they must watch and wait1 be flexible and tenacious1 determined and persistent--but not too rash1 subtle and indirect--not cowardly1 and above all be patient with the triumph of the enemy and not maddened into suicidal direct attack4 ,his stomach hurt with the arrow wound1 and his braves waited to hear his words4 ,he had to sum a part of his life's experience in words4 ,ronny tried harder to build the scene realistically4 ,then suddenly it was real4 ,he was the man4 ,he was an old man1 guide and adviser in an oblique battle against great odds4 ,he was dying of something and his stomach hurt with a knotted ache1 like hunger1 and he was thirsty4 ,he had refused to let the young men make the sacrifice of trying to rescue him4 ,he was hostage in the jail and dying1 because he would not surrender to the enemy nor cease to fight them4 ,he smiled and said1 ,remember to live like other men1 but--remember to remember4 ,and then he was saying things that could not be put into words1 complex feelings that were ways of taking bad situations that made them easier to smile at1 and then sentences that were not sentences1 but single alphabet letters pushing each other with signs1 with a feeling of being connected like two halves of a swing1 one side moving up when the other moved down1 or like swings or like cogs and pendulums inside a clock1 only without the cogs1 just with the push4 ,it wasn't adding or multiplication1 and it used letters instead of numbers1 but ,ronny knew it was some kind of arithmetic4 ,and he wasn't ,ronny4 ,he was an old man1 teaching young men1 and the old man did not know about ,ronny4 ,he thought sadly how little he would be able to convey to the young men1 and he remembered more1 trying to sum long memories and much living into a few direct thoughts4 ,and ,ronny was the old man and himself1 both at once4 99 99 99 99 99 ,it was too intense4 ,part of ,ronny wanted to escape and be alone1 and that part withdrew and wanted to play something4 ,ronny sat in the grass and played with his toes like a much younger child4 ,part of ,ronny that was ,doctor ,revert ,purcell sat on the edge of a prison cot1 concentrating on secret unpublished equations of biogenic stability which he wanted to pass on to the responsible hands of young researchers in the concealed-research chain4 ,he was using the way of thinking which they had told him was the telepathic sending of ideas to anyone ready to receive4 ,it was odd that he himself could never tell when he was sending4 ,probably a matter of age4 ,they had started trying to teach him when he was already too old for anything so different4 ,the water tap1 four feet away1 was dripping steadily1 and it was hard for ,purcell to concentrate1 so intense was his thirst4 ,he wondered if he could gather strength to walk that far4 ,he was sitting up and that was good1 but the struggle to raise himself that far had left him dizzy and trembling4 ,if he tried to stand1 the effort would surely interrupt his transmitting of equations and all the data he had not sent yet4 ,would the man with the keys who looked in the door twice a day care whether ,purcell died with dignity8 ,he was the only audience1 and his expression never changed when ,purcell asked him to point out to the authorities that he was not being given anything to eat4 ,it was funny to ,purcell to find that he wanted the respect of any audience to his dying1 even of a man without response who treated him as if he were already a corpse4 ,perhaps the man would respond if ,purcell said1 ,i have changed my mind4 ,i will tell4 ,but if he said that1 he would lose his own respect4 ,at the biochemists' and bio-physicists' convention1 the reporter had asked him if any of his researches could be applied to warfare4 ,he had answered with no feeling of danger1 knowing that what he did was common practice among research men1 sure that it was an unchallengeable right4 ,some of them can1 but those ,i keep to myself4 ,the reporter remained dead-pan4 ,for instance8 ,well1 ,i have to choose something that won't reveal how it's done now1 but--ah--for example1 a way of cheaply mass-producing specific antitoxins against any germ4 ,it sounds harmless if you don't think about it1 but actually it would make germ warfare the most deadly and inexpensive weapon yet developed1 for it would make it possible to prevent the backspread of contagion into a country's own troops1 without much expense4 ,there would be hell to pay if anyone ever let that out4 ,then he had added1 trying to get the reporter to understand enough to change his cynical unimpressed expression1 ,you understand1 germs are cheap--there would be a new plague to spread every time some pipsqueak biologist mutated a new germ4 ,it isn't even expensive or difficult1 as atom bombs are4 ,the headline was3 ,scientist ,refuses to ,give ,secret of ,weapon to ,government4 99 99 99 99 99 ,government men came and asked him if this was correct1 and on having it confirmed pointed out that he had an obligation4 ,the research foundations where he had worked were subsidized by government money4 ,he had been deferred from military service during his early years of study and work so he could become a scientist1 instead of having to fight or die on the battlefield4 ,this might be so1 he had said4 ,i am making an attempt to serve mankind by doing as much good and as little damage as possible4 ,if you don't mind1 ,i'd rather use my own judgment about what constitutes service4 ,the statement seemed too blunt the minute he had said it1 and he recognized that it had implications that his judgment was superior to that of the government4 ,it probably was the most antagonizing thing that could have been said1 but he could see no other possible statement1 for it represented precisely what he thought4 ,illustration ,there were bigger headlines about that interview1 and when he stepped outside his building for lunch the next day1 several small gangs of patriots arrived with the proclaimed purpose of persuading him to tell4 ,they fought each other for the privilege4 ,the police had rescued him after he had lost several front teeth and had one eye badly gouged4 ,they then left him to the care of the prison doctor in protective custody4 ,two days later1 after having been questioned several times on his attitude toward revealing the parts of his research he had kept secret1 he was transferred to a place that looked like a military jail1 and left alone4 ,he was not told what his status was4 ,when someone came and asked him questions about his attitude1 ,purcell felt quite sure that what they were doing to him was illegal4 ,he stated that he was going on a hunger strike until he was allowed to have visitors and see a lawyer4 ,the next time the dinner hour arrived1 they gave him nothing to eat4 ,there had been no food in the cell since1 and that was probably two weeks ago4 ,he was not sure just how long1 for during part of the second week his memory had become garbled4 ,he dimly remembered something that might have been delirium1 which could have lasted more than one day4 ,perhaps the military who wanted the antitoxins for germ warfare were waiting quietly for him either to talk or die4 99 99 99 99 99 ,ronny got up from the grass and went into the kitchen1 stumbling in his walk like a beginning toddler4 ,choc-mil8 he said to his mother4 ,she poured him some and teased gently1 ,what's the matter1 ,ronny--back to baby-talk8 ,he looked at her with big solemn eyes and drank slowly1 not answering4 ,in the cell somewhere distant1 ,dr4 ,purcell1 famous biochemist1 began waveringly trying to rise to his feet1 unable to remember hunger as anything separate from him that could ever be ended1 but weakly wanting a glass of water4 ,ronny could not feed him with the chocolate milk4 ,even though this was another himself1 the body that was drinking was not the one that was thirsty4 ,he wandered out into the backyard again1 carrying the glass4 ,bang1 he said deceptively1 pointing with his hand in case his mother was looking4 ,bang4 ,everything had to seem usual2 he was sure of that4 ,this was too big a thing1 and too private1 to tell a grownup4 ,on the way back from the sink1 ,dr4 ,purcell slipped and fell and hit his head against the edge of the iron cot4 ,ronny felt the edge gashing through skin and into bone1 and then a relaxing blankness inside his head1 like falling asleep suddenly when they are telling you a fairy story while you want to stay awake to find out what happened next4 ,bang1 said ,ronny vaguely1 pointing at a tree4 ,bang4 ,he was ashamed because he had fallen down in the cell and hurt his head and become just ,ronny again before he had finished sending out his equations4 ,he tried to make believe he was alive again1 but it didn't work4 ,you could never make-believe anything to a real good finish4 ,they never ended neatly--there was always something unfinished1 and something that would go right on after the end4 ,it would have been nice if the jailers had come in and he had been able to say something noble to them before dying1 to show that he was brave4 ,bang1 he said randomly1 pointing his finger at his head1 and then jerked his hand away as if it had burned him4 ,he had become the wrong person that time4 ,the feel of a bullet jolting the side of his head was startling and unpleasant1 even if not real1 and the flash of someone's vindictive anger and self-pity while pulling a trigger4444 ,my wife will be sorry she ever4444 ,he didn't like that kind of make-believe4 ,it felt unsafe to do it without making up a story first4 ,ronny decided to be ,indian braves again4 ,they weren't very real1 and when they were1 they had simple straightforward emotions about courage and skill and pride and friendship that he would like4 99 99 99 99 99 ,a man was leaning his arms on the fence1 watching him4 ,nice day4 ,what's the matter1 kid1 are you an esper8 ,hul-lo4 ,ronny stood on one foot and watched him4 ,just making believe4 ,i only want to play4 ,they make it too serious1 having all these troubles4 ,good countryside4 ,the man gestured at the back yards1 all opened in together with tangled bushes here and there to crouch behind1 when other kids were there to play hide and seek1 and with trees to climb4 ,it can be the ,universe if you pick and choose who to be1 and don't let wrong choices make you shut off from it4 ,you can make yourself learn from this if you are strong enough4 ,who have you been8 ,ronny stood on the other foot and scratched the back of his leg with his toes4 ,he didn't want to remember4 ,he always forgot right away1 but this grownup was confident and young and strong-looking1 and meant something when he talked1 not like most grownups4 ,i was playing ,indian4 ,i was an old chief1 captured by enemies1 trying to pass on to other warriors the wisdom of my life before ,i died4 ,he made believe he was the chief a little to show the young man what he was talking about4 ,purcell6 ,the man drew in his breath between his teeth1 and his face paled4 ,he pulled back from reaching ,ronny with his feelings1 like holding his breath in4 ,good game4 ,you can learn from him4 ,don't leave him shut off1 ,i beg you4 ,you can let him influence you without being pulled off your own course4 ,he was a good man4 ,you were honored1 and ,i envy the man you will be if you contacted him on resonant similarities4 ,the grownup looked frightened4 ,but you are too young4 ,you'll block him out and lose him4 ,kids have to grow and learn at their own speed4 ,then he looked less afraid1 but uncertain1 and his thoughts struggled against each other4 ,their own speed4 ,but there should be someone alive with ,purcell's pattern and memories4 ,we loved him4 ,kids should grow at their own speed1 but4444 ,how strong are you1 ,ronny8 ,can you move ahead of the normal growth pattern8 ,grownups always want you to do something4 ,ronny stared back1 clenching his hands and moving his feet uneasily4 ,the thoughts were open to him4 ,do you want to be the old chief again1 ,ronny8 ,be him often1 so you can learn to know what he knew8 7,and feel as he felt4 ,it would be a stiff dose for a kid47 ,it will be rich and exciting1 full of memories and skills4 7,but hard to chew4 ,i'm doing this for ,purcell1 ,ronny1 not for you4 ,you have to make up your own mind47 ,that was a good game4 ,are you going to play it any more8 99 99 99 99 99 ,his mother would not like it4 ,she would feel the difference in him1 as much as if he had read one of the books she kept away from him1 books that were supposed to be for adults only4 ,the difference would hurt her4 ,he was being bad1 like eating between meals4 ,but to know what grownups knew4444 ,he tightened his fists and looked down at the grass4 ,i'll play it some more4 ,the young man smiled1 still pale and holding half his feelings back behind a dam4 ,then mesh with me a moment4 ,let me in4 ,he was in with the thought1 feeling ,ronny's confused consent1 reassuring him by not thinking or looking around inside while sending out a single call1 ,purcell1 ,doc1 that found the combination key to ,ronny's guarded yesterdays and last nights and ten minutes agos4 ,ronny1 ,i'll set that door1 ,purcell's memories1 open for you4 ,you can't close it1 but feel like this about it--and he planted in a strong set1 questioning1 cool1 open1 a feeling of absorbing without words 444 it will give information when you need it1 like a dictionary4 ,the grownup straightened away from the fence1 preparing to walk off4 ,behind a dam pressed grief and anger for the death of the man he called ,purcell4 ,and any time you want to be the old chief1 at any age he lived1 just make believe you are him4 ,grief and anger pressed more strongly against the dam1 and the man turned and left rapidly1 letting his thoughts flicker and scatter through private memories that ,ronny did not share1 that no one shared1 breaking thought contact with everyone so that the man could be alone in his own mind to have his feelings in private4 99 99 99 99 99 ,ronny picked up the empty glass that had held his chocolate milk from the back steps where he had left it and went inside4 ,as he stepped into the kitchen1 he knew what another kitchen had looked like for a five-year-old child who had been ,purcell ninety years ago4 ,there had been an iron sink1 and a brown-and-green-spotted faucet1 and the glass had been heavier and transparent1 like real glass4 ,ronny reached up and put the colored plastic tumbler down4 ,that was a nice young man1 dear4 ,what did he say to you8 ,ronny looked up at his mamma1 comparing her with the remembered mamma of fifty years ago4 ,he loved the other one1 too4 ,he tol' me he's glad ,i play ,indian4 --,,katherine ,mac,l,e,a,n 99 99 99 99 99