,m>riage ,enri*m5t ,retreats  ,/ory ( a 
,quak] ,project  ,by  ,david & ,v]a     
,mace  ,fri5ds ,g5]al ,conf]5ce #aebj   
,race ,/reet ,philadelphia1             
,p5nsylvania1 #aiajb     ,ab\t ! ,maces 
,david & ,v]a ,mace h sp5t almo/ =ty    
ye>s mak+ a vital relation%ip ( _! own  
m>riage1 &1 because ( _! inh]5t s5se (  
purpose1 consequ5tly h enri*$ ! lives & 
m>riages ( innum]able p]sons 9 "s sixty 
c\ntries ar\nd ! _w4  ,david ,mace's    
fir/ degree 0 9 sci5ce f ! ,univ]sity ( 
,london4 ,e>li] family influ5ce l$ him  
on to ,cambridge ,univ]sity1 a degree 9 
!ology1 & "w 9 a mission *ur* 9 ! slums 
( ,london4 ,v]a1 already 9 y\? "w1 jo9$ 
him aft] _! m>riage 9 ! "w ( ! mission  
*ur*4 ,f t po9t on !irs 0 a p>tn]%ip :i*
 focus$ on c\nsell+ p]sons 9 tr\ble4    
,lat]1 a ,ph,d4 9 sociology = ,david & a
 ,ma/]s degree ) a !sis on ,*ri/ian     
m>riage = ,v]a1 mov$ !m into full "t    
m>riage guidance "w4 7,two *ildr51 a w> 
caus+ =c$ sep>ation = a "t1 & a pacifi/ 
/& by ,david :i* also made life m       

difficult1 only /r5g!n$ !m 9 _! life's  
purpose47 ,be=e leav+ ,brita9 p]man5tly 
9 #aidi1 !y _h set up m ?an "o hundr$   
m>riage guidance c5t]s & a*iev$ _! goal 
( recognition = ! ,m>riage ,guidance    
,c\ncil4  ,x w\ld be impossible to      
enum]ate specifically "h all !          
activities ( tea*+1 publi%$ writ+1 tra9+
 sem9>s & travels ! ,maces h %>$4 ,!irs 
has be5 a life ( ri*ly v>i$ exp]i5ces & 
%>$ responsibilities4  ,f #aifj-fg !    
,maces s]v$ z jo9t ,executive ,directors
 ( ! ,am]ican ,association ( ,m>riage   
,c\nsellors4 ,at pres5t !y are memb]s ( 
,summit ,fri5ds ,meet+ 9 ,new ,j]sey1   
curr5tly liv+ 9 ,w9/on-,salem1 ,nor?    
,c>ol9a1 :]e ,david ,mace is ,pr(essor (
 ,family ,sociology at ! ,behavioral    
,sci5ces ,c5t]1 ,b[man ,gray ,s*ool (   
,m$ic9e4 ,david ,mace deliv]$ ! #aifh   
,rufus ,jones ,lecture1 ,m>riage ,z     
,vocation4 ,?is pamphlet & ! project x  
pres5ts is an outgr[? ( t exp]i5ce4     
,h[ important is x t ,quak]s %\ld h good
 m>riages1 & :at %\ld ,fri5ds ,g5]al    

,conf]5ce be do+ ab\t x8 ,?is "q 0 ask$ 
at a ga!r+ ( t5 m>ri$ c\ples1 all ( !m  
,fri5ds1 repres5t+ bo? ! ,u4,s4 &       
,canada4  ,:at br\ght ^! c\ples toge!r 0
 ! common bond t all _h be5 lead+       
m>riage enri*m5t retreats at :i* six to 
eight c\ples1 all ) /able m>riages1 sp5t
 an int5sive week5d %>+ m>ital gr[?     
ar\nd ! !me communications-9-dep? ab\t  
relation%ip-9-dep?4  ,! project ( :i* !y
 _h be5 a "p dates back to ! #aifh      
,rufus ,jones ,lecture1 ,m>riage z      
,vocation4,a ,! impact ( ! ,lecture & ! 
week5d foll[+ result$ 9 ! ,religi\s     
,education ,committee ( ,fri5ds ,g5]al  
,conf]5ce sponsor+ a project to tra9    
c\ples select$ by ,ye>ly ,meet+s to lead
 m>riage enri*m5t programs 9 _! own     
regions4 ,! fir/ gr\p 0 tra9$ 9 #aifi1 !
 second 9 #aiga1 &1 z ! majority ( !m   
met aga9 ! cons5sus grew t ?is project  
_h be5 suffici5tly te/$ to provide !    
basis = a m ext5sive movem5t )9 our     
fell[%ip4  ,a numb] ( conc]ns em]g$ t c 
be/ be express$ z que/ions3      ,d     

,fri5ds reaffirm _! traditional belief 9
 m>riage &     ! family z ! f\ndation   
unit ( ! ,meet+8      ,d ,fri5ds believe
 t _! mission to spread love & peace    
9 ! _w beg9s ) ! practice ( love & peace
 9     _! own prim>y relation%ips8      
,are our ,meet+s do+ _! utmo/ to make   
use ( mod]n     k & exp]i5ce 9 !        
prep>ation = m>riage (     ^? = :om !y  
accept responsibility8      ,are our    
,meet+s satisfi$ ) :at !y are do+ = !   
c>e & support ( ! m>riages ( _! memb]s1 
& t     divorces t occur c\ld n h be5   
prev5t$ by any means     t lay 9 _! p[]8
      ,w\ld ,fri5ds 9 positions (       
lead]%ip be will+ to     demon/rate _!  
support = ?is project by p>ticipat+ 9   
retreats at :i* !y c exam9e ) o!rs !    
pot5tialities = gr[? ( _! own m>riages8 
,^? :o met at ,p5dle ,hill 7 n 9 a      
position to answ] any ( ^! que/ions 9 a 
def9itive way4 ,x is cle> t answ]s w\ld 
v>y f "o ,fri5d to ano!r & f "o ,meet+  
to ano!r4 ,!y felt1 h[ev]1 t x w\ld be  
appropriate & timely = ^! que/ions to be

 m widely consid]$4 ,moreov]1 _! own    
exp]i5ces ( m>ital gr[?1 result+ f _!   
%>+ ) o!r m>ri$ c\ples1 _h be5 s ri* &  
rew>d+ t !y felt !y _h good news to pass
 on1 & 7 con/ra9$ to d s4,b   ,,! ,,plan
  ,ye>ly ,meet+s ?r\gh\t ! ,unit$ ,/ates
 7 invit$ to select ) c>e a m>ri$ c\ple 
= a week5d ( tra9+ at ,p5dle ,hill1 !   
,quak] /udy c5t] ne> ,philadelphia4     
,dur+ ! six mon?s foll[+ ! tra9+ ea*    
c\ple w\ld h ! opportunity to conduct a 
m>riage enri*m5t retreat arrang$ by _!  
,ye>ly ,meet+4 ,!n all ! c\ples w\ld    
reassemble at ,p5dle ,hill to %>e _!    
exp]i5ces4 ,! project w\ld be evaluat$1 
& fur!r action w\ld dep5d on :atev]     
judgm5t 0 rea*$4  ,we two 7 ask$ to lead
 ! two tra9+ week5ds4 ,our decision 0 to
 beg9 ) an actual retreat = ! gr\p (    
c\ples s9ce ?is exp]i5ce w\ld1 9 our    
judgm5t1 provide ! be/ tra9+ we c\ld    
give !m4   ,,premises ,,f ,,e>li]       
,,exp]i5ces  ,9 #aifb ,joe & ,edi?      
,platt1 a ,quak] c\ple :o help$ run a   
retreat c5t] call$ ,kirkridge1 invit$ u 

to conduct a week5d = m>ri$ c\ples4 ,we 
7 at t "t jo9t ,executive ,directors ( !
 ,am]ican ,association ( ,m>riage       
,c\nselors1 s ?is 0 a *all5ge we c\ld   
h>dly evade4 ,al?\gh we _h be5 involv$ 9
 _m lectures & conf]5ces ab\t m>riage1 &
 pl5ty ( m>riage c\nsel+1 a retreat =   
m>ri$ c\ples 0 a new v5ture4 ,h[ev]1 we 
accept$ ! invitation1 conduct$ ! retreat
 to ! be/ ( our ability1 & le>n$ a great
 deal 9 ! process4 ,!re is no ne$ at ?is
 po9t to g into detail ab\t ! proc$ures 
we foll[$ = we improv$ on !m consid]ably
 lat] z we ga9$ fur!r exp]i5ce4  ,! fir/
 ,kirkridge retreat 0 successful en\gh  
to enc\rage ! ,platts to ask u to come  
aga9 & aga94 ,we !n began to receive o!r
 reque/s z x became kn[n t we 7         
available = ?is k9d ( lead]%ip1 mo/ ( !m
 be+ "u religi\s auspices4 ,! retreats  
g5]ally began on ,friday ev5+ & end$ )  
,sunday lun*4 ,"o1 = ,me?odi/ m9i/]s &  
_! wives1 la/$ five days1 & prov$ to be 
! inauguration ( a nation-wide program  
n[ be+ run by ! ,unit$ ,me?odi/ ,*ur* "u

 ! title m>riage communication labs4    
,^! exp]i5ces br\ght u into close t\* ) 
_m normal m>ri$ c\ples4 ,our practice 0 
to insi/ t ! retreats 7 n = c\ples )    
problems1 b = ^? :o consid]$ !y _h      
satisfactory m>riages & want$ to explore
 _! pot5tial = fur!r gr[?4 ,z c\nselors1
 we _h previ\sly dealt only ) m>riages 9
 tr\ble4 ,n[ we f\nd t _m ( ^! normal   
c\ples 7 settl+ = relation%ips t 7 f>   
%ort ( _! inh]5t pot5tial4 ,"s exhibit$ 
! same self-defeat+ int]action patt]ns  
:i* we 7 accu/om$ to f9d+ 9 c\ples )    
problems--b ei!r !y _h accept$ ^! poor  
patt]ns z inevitable1 or ! conflicts !y 
caus$ _h n yet rea*$ crisis proportions4
  ,mat*+ our obs]vation ( ^! c\ples ) "s
 ( ! rese>* f9d+s on m>ital int]action1 
we arriv$ at f\r important conclusions3 
#a4 ,only a small proportion ( m>riages 
came any:]e ne> to realiz+ _! full      
pot5tial4 ,l$]] & ,jackson,c sugge/ t ! 
proportion ( /able-satisfactory m>riages
 9 our culture does n exce$ #e-aj p]c5t4
  #b4 ,mo/ m>ri$ c\ples desire1 & hope  

=1 ! a*ievem5t we h call$               
relation%ip-9-dep?4 ,e>ly 9 _! m>ri$    
life1 h[ev]1 !y f9d _! gr[? toge!r      
block$ by int]p]sonal conflicts :i* !y  
ei!r _c und]/& or are n prep>$ to make !
 ef=t to resolve4 ,!y settle = a s]ies (
 compromises1 result+ 9 a sup]ficial    
relation%ip4  #c4 ,z "t passes1 ! c\ple 
ei!r accepts ?is unsatisfactory         
situation1 or x becomes progressively   
intol]able4 ,!y are usually s lock$ into
 _! self-defeat+ int]action patt]n t !y 
are q unable to *ange x by _! own unaid$
 ef=ts4 ,"s seek m>riage c\nsel+1 b (t5 
too late = x to be effective4  #d4 ,?is 
trag$y ( undevelop$ pot5tial c\ld be    
avoid$ 9 _m in/ances if m>ri$ c\ples _h 
a cle>] concept ( ! task ( m>riage & did
 n h to /ruggle 9 almo/ total isolation 
f o!r c\ples go+ ?r\gh ! same exp]i5ces4
 ,! pot5tial ( m>ri$ c\ples = giv+ ea*  
o!r mutual help & support is v great2 b 
x is unable to function because ( an    
unrecogniz$ taboo 9 our culture4  ,?is  
taboo1 hi!rto unrecogniz$ z su*1 prev5ts

 m>ri$ c\ples f %>+ _! intram>ital      
exp]i5ces ) o!r c\ples4 ,9 _m sett+s    
m>ri$ c\ples =m fri5d%ips ) ea* o!r1    
enjoy social contacts1 ev5 "w toge!r on 
projects2 b !re is always a tacit       
und]/&+ t !y d n reveal to ea* o!r1     
fur!r ?an is unavoidable1 :at is go+ on 
9 _! husb&-wife relation%ips4 ,complex  
me*anisms = evasion & mutual def5se     
exi/4 ,"s ( ^! are famili>1 /rong       
ho/ility 9 "o p>tn] :5 ! o!r appe>s to  
be reveal+ too mu*2 mak+ jokes to       
relieve t5sion :5 "s inn] secret ( !    
m>riage accid5tly breaks to ! surface2  
sil5ce or )drawal :5 outsid]s appe> to  
be prob+ too deeply4 ,^! def5se sy/ems  
"w s well t x is n unusual :5 a c\ple   
beg9s divorce proce$+s = o!rs 9 _!      
circle ( acqua9tance to express         
a/oni%m5t 9 su* t]ms z ,we are amaz$6   
,we _h no idea t !y 7 hav+ tr\ble6  ,we 
c\ld speculate ab\t ! reasons = ?is     
taboo3 a protection aga9/ public        
humiliation1 s9ce we all want o!rs to   
feel t we c manage compet5tly su* a     

basic und]tak+ z m>riage2 a safegu>d    
aga9/ exploitation1 s9ce a discont5t$   
m>riage p>tn] (f]s fair game to a       
pr$atory ?ird p]son2 a l9k ) our sexual 
taboos1 s9ce difficulties 9 m>ital      
adju/m5t (t5 h a sexual compon5t1 & any 
sugge/ion ( sexual incompet5ce is deeply
 w\nd+ to our pride4 ,x c\ld reflect !  
traditional t5d5cy to reg>d ! family z a
 clos$ 9-gr\p--an attitude n )\t        
advantages = its /r5g? & /ability4  ,:at
 we are conc]n$ ab\t1 h[ev]1 is t ?is   
taboo is be+ ma9ta9$ ) a /rictness t    
goes f> beyond its usefulness 9 our     
*ang+ society4 ,x is depriv+ m>ri$      
c\ples ( help & support f ea* o!r1 at a 
"t :5 m>riage has become mu* m difficult
 & dem&+ ?an x 0 9 ! pa/4 ,inde$1 we    
believe t ) ! em]g5ce ( ! nucle> family 
z ! norm 9 our ,we/]n culture1 !        
individual m>riage has be5 depriv$ ( !  
supports d]iv$ f ! ext5d$ family ( ! pa/
 precisely at a "t :5 our ris+          
expectations ( highly rew>d+ int]p]sonal
 relation%ips are subject+ x to dem&s x 

is (t5 unable to meet4 ,9 ! l>g] family 
gr\p+s ( ! ,ori5t1 despite _! hi]>*ical 
/ructure1 a great deal ( help & support 
c become available to ! individual c\ple
 9 times ( tr\ble f ^? ) :om !y %>e a   
common corporate life4  ,x may well be t
 ! new life /yles be+ exp]im5t$ )       
today--mate-swapp+1 multilat]al         
m>riages1 & gr\p m>riages1 =            
example--repres5t attempts to enable !  
individual m>riage to break out ( its   
isolation & to ga9 bett] communication1 
int]action & ne$$ support f o!r m>ital  
units4  ,a /rik+ illu/ration ( ?is tr5d 
t[>d deep %>+ betwe5 m>ri$ c\ples has   
come to our notice f an unexpect$ qu>t]4
 ,two m>ri$ c\ples f a cons]vative      
,*ri/ian backgr\nd decid$ to meet & talk
 toge!r1 ) complete detail$ frankness1  
ab\t _! sexual exp]i5ces4 ,a s]ies ( su*
 meet+s 0 held1 ! conv]sations tap$1 &  
subsequ5tly publi%$ 9 book =m4,d ,!     
c\ples1 aft] c>eful consid]ation1 decid$
 n to hide beh9d a cloak ( anonymity1 b 
to use _! real names & disclose _!      

id5tity4  ,confront$ ) ?is new tr5d1 we 
take ! view t ! taboo aga9/ ! %>+ (     
husb&-wife exp]i5ces betwe5 "o m>ri$    
c\ple & o!r m>ri$ c\ples c ) impunity be
 relax$ 9 appropriate situations )      
b5efit to all conc]n$4 ,betwe5 su*      
c\ples ! developm5t ( great w>m?1       
empa?y1 mutual und]/&+ & support1 c     
contribute significantly to ! enri*m5t &
 gr[? ( ! individual m>riages involv$4  
,?is is ess5tially :at happ5s 9 m>riage 
enri*m5t retreats4   ,,comp>ison ,,)    
,,!rapy ,,& ,,enc\nt] ,,gr\ps  ,h[ d our
 m>riage enri*m5t gr\ps diff] f gr\p    
m>ital !rapy on ! "o h&1 & f enc\nt]    
gr\ps on ! o!r8 ,^! que/ions are rais$  
by _m p4 ,:at are ! answ]s8  ,gr\p !rapy
 = m>ri$ c\ples is n[ widely available1 
& its effectiv5ess has be5 e/abli%$4    
,our m>riage enri*m5t gr\ps diff] f     
!rapy gr\ps 9 ?ree important respects4  
,fir/1 m>ital !rapy is und]tak5 ) c\ples
 :o h s]i\s problems1 (t5 because !     
individuals conc]n$ suff] f p]sonality  
disord]s4 ,:5 m>riages are n /able a    

good deal ( pa?ology may em]ge 9 ! c\rse
 ( gr\p int]action4 ,sev]e conflict     
betwe5 husb& & wife may h to be p]mitt$ 
to surface & be h&l$ op5ly by ! !rapi/4 
,! second important diff]5ce is t !rapy 
gr\ps g5]ally cont9ue meet+1 on a weekly
 or bi-weekly basis1 ov] a long p]iod ( 
"t--z long z a ye> 9 "s cases4 ,moreov]1
 individual c\ples may also und]go      
c\nsel+ 7individually1 conjo9tly1 or    
bo?7 9 association ) ! gr\p !rapy ei!r  
be=e be+ admitt$ to ! gr\p or           
concurr5tly ) ! gr\p exp]i5ce4  ,! ?ird 
diff]5ce is 9 ! lead]%ip patt]n4 ,!rapy 
gr\ps are l$ by pr(essionally qualifi$  
p]sons--psy*iatri/s1 cl9ical            
psy*ologi/s1 social work]s1 m>riage     
c\nselors4 ,!y play a fairly directive  
role4 ,! lead]s are (t5 male & female   
co-!rapi/s1 b are seldom husb& & wife4  
,! role model aspect ( ! enri*m5t gr\p1 
z well z ! p>ticipatory aspect1 are     
!re=e mu* less pron\nc$ & ! gr\p is less
 free to f9d & foll[ its own direction4 
,an enri*m5t gr\p consi/s ( sev]al m>ri$

 c\ples n 9 ne$ ( !rapy meet+ on an     
int5sive basis b = a limit$ "t p]iod4 ,9
 our op9ion su* gr\ps ne$ n be l$ by    
pr(essional !rapi/s2 al?\gh1 o!r ?+s be+
 equal1 t is ( c\rse a decid$ advantage4
 ,we h come to ! conclusion1 h[ev]1 t   
effective lead]%ip c be giv5 by lay     
c\ples if !y are c>efully select$ &     
tra9$4  ,! enc\nt] gr\p1 a g5]al        
descriptive t]m1 is int5d$ to include _m
 v>iants4 ,we h p>ticipat$ 9 su* gr\ps1 
/udi$ _! proc$ures1 & adapt$ "s ( ^! to 
our m>riage enri*m5t retreats4 ,c\ples  
:o h be5 involv$ 9 enc\nt] gr\ps adju/  
quickly & easily to ! me?ods we use 9   
m>riage enri*m5t1 are g5]ally v         
coop]ative1 & an asset to our gr\ps4    
,!re are two significant respects 9 :i* 
our m>riage enri*m5t retreats diff] f   
enc\nt] gr\ps4 ,fir/1 enc\nt] gr\ps are 
compos$ ( individuals1 :ile our gr\ps   
are conf9$ to1 & l$ by1 m>ri$ c\ples4   
,?is di/9ction calls = diff]5t          
approa*es4 ,!re is a great] complexity 9
 ! lead]%ip1 & a great] complexity 9 !  

gr\p itself4 ,! enc\nt] gr\p is conf9$  
to int]actions betwe5 sep>ate           
individuals & usually ^! individuals h n
 kn[n ea* o!r be=e jo9+ ! gr\p &        
probably w n cont9ue association        
aft]w>ds4 ,by contra/1 we h at lea/ ?ree
 k9ds ( int]action3 betwe5 individuals  
)9 ! gr\p1 betwe5 c\ples 7includ+ !     
lead+ c\ple7 )9 ! gr\p1 & betwe5 husb& &
 wife )9 ! m>ital unit4  ,?is           
multidim5sional aspect ( ! enri*m5t gr\p
 n only makes x m complex1 b also       
increases its pot5tial4 ,?is is         
p>ticul>ly true aft] ! exp]i5ce is ov]4 
,f our k ( enc\nt] gr\ps we are aw>e ( !
 problems enc\nt]$ by ! individual :o1  
aft] exp]i5c+ a new & invigorat+ op5ness
 & w>m? 9 int]action ) o!rs returns home
 to an atmosph]e 9 :i* a simil> quality 
( relation%ip _c be su/a9$ unless !re   
are already fri5ds & associates at home 
:o h _h ! b5efit ( e>li] enc\nt]        
exp]i5ces4 ,9 ! case ( our m>riage      
enri*m5t retreats1 ! exp]i5ce is n ga9$ 
by an isolat$ individual1 b by a        

preexi/+ social unit1 s t new levels (  
op5ness & w>m? :i* ! c\ple h exp]i5c$ 9 
! gr\p c cont9ue to be ma9ta9$ aft] _!  
return home4 ,?is w\ld sugge/ t !       
casualty rates = c\ples w\ld n be ne>ly 
s high z = individuals4 ,we "k ( no     
precise /udy t has inve/igat$ ?is1 b our
 g5]al impressions w\ld seem to confirm 
x4  ,! second significant diff]5ce      
betwe5 enc\nt] & m>riage enri*m5t gr\ps 
raises a some:at controv]sial "q4       
,enc\nt] gr\ps are m ready to evoke     
negative int]action betwe5 p>ticipants1 
:ile we place major emphasis ^u positive
 int]action4  ,if our judgm5t ( enc\nt] 
gr\ps is 9 ?is respect inaccurate we are
 op5 to correction4 ,we h1 h[ev]1 ga9$ !
 impression f _m s\rces t an important  
te*nique us$ 9 ^! gr\ps is to provide   
opportunities = ! p>ticipants to secure 
ca?>tic release ( _! p5t-up ho/ilities1 
includ+ ho/ilities eng5d]$ by1 or       
project$ ^u ! gr\p lead] or "o or m (   
its memb]s4 ,we recognize t _m p 9 our  
culture are pregnant ) suppress$        

ho/ility or rage1 & t ! provision (     
prop]ly controll$ opportunities = its   
release may con/itute a comm5dable      
s]vice2 & s9ce ! gr\p memb]s are g5]ally
 /rang]s :o w n be p]sonally & socially 
involv$ lat]1 no entangl+ complications 
are likely to foll[4  ,= our m>ri$      
c\ples1 ! situation is diff]5t4 ,we d n 
mean t !y d n h ho/ile feel+s t[>d ea*  
o!r4 ,!y (t5 d1 & ?is comes out cle>ly &
 unmi/akably4 ,we d n mean1 ei!r1 t     
heal?y dis*>ge ( ^! feel+s might n be   
good = !m--9 our !rapeutic "w )         
individual c\ples 9 conjo9t int]views1  
we make full use ( su* controll$        
opportunity = ca?>tic release ) ensu+   
int]pretation4 ,x is our consid]$       
op9ion1 h[ev]1 t 9 ! p>ticul> context ( 
our enri*m5t retreats1 unre/ra9$ dis*>ge
 ( ho/ile feel+s %\ld 9 g5]al n be      
enc\rag$4  ,our reasons8 ,"o1 ! %ortness
 ( ! available "t might n p]mit ! prop] 
resolution ( su* episodes4 ,two1 a c\ple
 :o h op5ly dis*>g$ rage aga9/ ea* o!r  
may well react lat] ) deep feel+s (     

humiliation t are n easily assuag$4     
,?ree1 cop+ ) ?is k9d ( explosive       
emotional dis*>ge c\ld be al>m+ = lay   
lead]s n accu/om$1 z ! !rapi/ is1 to !  
expression ( deep feel+s :i* normally   
are n display$ 9 public4 ,f\r1 o!r      
memb]s ( ! gr\p c\ld be simil>ly di/urb$
 & div]t$ f full p>ticipation 9 ! ma9   
purpose ( ! retreat4 ,?is compla9t has  
actually be5 made1 & we ?9k ju/ly1 by   
p>ticipat+ c\ples 9 a gr\p :]e a viol5t 
& prolong$ emotional episode took place4
  ,we h be5 criticiz$ = tak+ ?is        
position1 b h n be5 p]suad$ to *ange our
 consid]$ op9ion4 ,t op9ion is re9=c$ by
 ano!r conclusion1 namely1 t :5 g5u9e   
positive int]action is promot$1 negative
 emotion1 ev5 :5 x is /rong & int5se1   
t5ds to dissolve & )] away4 ,c\ples h   
told u h[ _! fi]ce hate melt$ 9 !       
atmosph]e ( w>m & lov+ support eng5d]$ 9
 ! gr\p1 & ) ! /irr+ ( compassion )9 !m1
 !y began to see ea* o!r 9 a new light4 
,we are incl9$ to ! view1 aft] he>+ su* 
te/imonies1 t 9 deploy+ our !rapeutic   

armam5t we h giv5 %ort %rift to ! p[] ( 
love n only to ca/ out fe>1 b also to   
turn away wra?4   ,,lay ,,lead]%ip  ,our
 decision to tra9 lay c\ples = lead]%ip 
0 n ha/ily made4 ,9 fact 9 ! e>ly ye>s  
dur+ :i* we 7 lead+ retreats we knew (  
no o!r c\ples :o 7 do+ s4 ,aft] sev5    
ye>s we felt t we knew :at we 7 do+4    
,al?\gh we expect$ criticism f "s ( our 
pr(essional colleagues ?is has n        
develop$ to any significant degree1 & we
 are n[ entirely satisfi$ t we 7 ju/ifi$
 9 tak+ su* a calculat$ risk4 ,we "k (  
no case :]e our lay c\ples h enc\nt]$   
crisis situations :i* !y 7 unable to    
h&le ) wisdom & skill4   ,,/ructur+ ,,! 
,,retreat  ,^! retreats require a m9imum
 ( organization & /ructure1 b t m9imum  
mu/ be firmly insi/$ ^u4 ,we /rongly    
favor ! resid5tial week5d retreat1      
al?\gh we h met ) gr\ps ( c\ples =      
sep>ate ev5+ sessions spac$ out ov] f\r 
to six weeks4 ,?is approa* 0 f\nd to be 
less effective1 b decid$ly bett] ?an    
no?+ = c\ples :o _c get away f _! homes4

  ,we w\ld reg>d five or six c\ples z ! 
optimum numb]1 b seldom h we enjoy$ ?is 
luxury4 ,usually we h _h to accept our  
upp] limit ( n9e c\ples1 9 addition to  
ourselves1 mak+ a total gr\p ( tw5ty4   
,(t5 m c\ples apply ?an we c take1 & !  
organiz]s plead ) u to accept ! maximum 
numb] because family crises c compel    
c\ples to drop out at ! la/ mom5t4 ,two 
c\ples %ort at a retreat plann$ = five  
c\ples w\ld leave only ?ree4 ,!re=e our 
normal proc$ure has be5 to ask = six to 
eight c\ples4  ,al?\gh ! selection ( !  
c\ples has be5 left to ! organiz]s we   
insi/ t husb& & wife bo? und]take to    
come toge!r1 :i* means t if "o has to   
drop out1 bo? d s2 we insi/ t !y come   
only on condition t !y bo? cont9u\sly   
p>ticipate 9 ! entire retreat1 f beg9n+ 
to end4  ,no requirem5ts reg>d+ age1    
race1 vocation1 education1 or           
socio-economic /atus are made4 ,!re are 
advantages 9 hav+ a homog5e\s gr\p (    
c\ples1 b !re are also advantages 9 a   
het]og5\s gr\p4 ,our gr\ps h includ$ "o 

engag$ c\ple & "o honeymoon+ c\ple :o   
came /raight f _! w$d+ z well z c\ples  
old en\gh to be retir$4 ,!y h includ$   
highly qualifi$ pr(essionals &          
blue-coll> work]s1 ,ph,d4s4 & high s*ool
 drop-outs4  ,c\ples com+ to our        
retreats %\ld h :at !y consid] to be    
reasonably good & /able m>riages s9ce   
our purpose is n to provide gr\p !rapy1 
b to fo/] m>ital gr[?4 ,! reason = ?is  
requirem5t is t we d n believe t gr\p   
m>ital !rapy c be attempt$ on a %ort-t]m
 basis1 & x is n ! purpose 9 ^!         
retreats4 ,_m c\ples come to ^! retreats
 ) a good deal ( appreh5sion1 & "s h    
told u t !y w\ld n h come at all _h !y n
 be5 assur$ t x 0 def9itely n = problem 
c\ples4 ,despite all our ef=ts1 c\ples )
 sev]e m>ital problems d get 9          
occasionally "u ! wire & we f\nd no way 
( avoid+ ?is4  ,we are (t5 ask$ to      
provide prep>atory mat]ial = !          
p>ticipants1 includ+ books to read1 b we
 d n ?9k !re is any way to prep>e = ?is 
k9d ( exp]i5ce2 & recomm5d+ books to    

read might convey ! impression t we are 
go+ to engage 9 intellectual discussion1
 :i* is n ! case4  ,we ourselves d n    
prep>e = ! retreats & d n ask ! c\ples  
to d s ei!r4 ,x is an adv5ture 9 %>+    
into :i* we all move toge!r1 ready to   
take x z x comes4,e  ,?is does n mean1  
h[ev]1 t our sessions are totally       
un/ructur$4 ,a timetable is work$ out by
 ! gr\p1 n impos$ ^u x4 ,obvi\sly x has 
to be plann$ 9 relation to ! place & !  
circum/ances ( our meet+4               
,,introduction ,,to ,,! ,,fri5ds'       
,,exp]i5ce  ,9 ! liv+ room ( ,waysmeet1 
! h\se at ,p5dle ,hill 9 :i* we held our
 fir/ tra9+ retreat1 !re 0 j room = t5  
c\ples to sit 9 a wide circle4  ,:at we 
are go+ to d "h1 we expla9$1 is to      
exp]i5ce toge!r a m>riage enri*m5t      
retreat4 ,we hope ?is exp]i5ce w be     
mean+ful to y all p]sonally1 q ap>t f ! 
fact t y w be le>n+ h[ to conduct a     
retreat y\rselves aft] y return home4   
,we "k ( no bett] way to tra9 y ?an to  
let y g ?r\gh fir/ :at o!rs w lat] g    

?r\gh "u y\r lead]%ip4  ,h[ev]1 we %all 
be work+ toge!r at two levels4 ,at any  
po9t we c break (f & exam9e toge!r1     
objectively1 :at has be5 happ5+ to u    
subjectively4 ,y c ask u z y\r lead]s   
any que/ions y wi%1 ab\t :at we are do+1
 or :y we are do+ x4  ,our goal is v    
simple & v cle>4 ,z m>ri$ c\ples we are 
"h to engage toge!r 9                   
communication-9-dep? ab\t               
relation%ip-9-dep?4 ,ev]y?+ we d w be   
done ) ! int5tion ( %>+ ) ea* o!r !     
directions 9 :i* we want our m>riages to
 gr[4 ,h[ f> we travel w be decid$ n by 
u z lead]s1 b by y z a gr\p4 ,no "o w be
 put "u pressure to d any?+ he does n   
wi% to d1 or to say any?+ he does n wi% 
to say4  ,our function z lead]s is to be
 'p>ticipant facilitators4' ,we are 9 e 
s5se memb]s ( ! gr\p1 & w fully %>e all 
! gr\p's exp]i5ces4 ,we d n wi% to be   
treat$ z exp]ts or au?orities4 ,! only  
way 9 :i* we %all ex]cise our role z    
lead]s is to help ! gr\p to a*ieve its  
goal1 or to tell x if we ?9k x is n tak+

 ! be/ direction t[>d t goal4 ,we make  
no claim to be infallible4 ,if at any   
po9t y don't agree ) u1 x is y\r duty to
 say s4 ,if 9 any situation we don't "k 
:at to d next we %all say s frankly &   
ask y to help u4  ,n[ we are ready to   
beg94 ,! fir/ ?+ we mu/ d is to get to  
"k ea* o!r z c\ples4 ,! soon] we get    
well acqua9t$1 ! fa/] we c move t[>d our
 goal4  ,mo/ ( ! fir/ ev5+ is devot$ to 
! process ( gett+ to "k ea* o!r4 ,our   
favorite me?od is to ask ! c\ples to    
volunte] 9 turn to be freely que/ion$ by
 ! gr\p4 ,we usually volunte] fir/1 &   
make x cle> t we are prep>$ to answ] !  
mo/ p]sonal que/ions4 ,we indicate at   
?is po9t t we w\ld l to be call$ by our 
fir/ names1 & we hope ! o!rs w agree to 
d ! same4 ,! que/ions !n beg91 & :5 !re 
are no m1 we ask ano!r c\ple to         
volunte]4 ,we pref] n to g r\nd ! circle
 9 ord]1 or take names alphabetically4  
,ev]y?+ is done volunt>ily z f> z       
possible1 to enc\rage spontaneity4  ,"t 
goes quickly z ! que/ions come ?ick &   

fa/1 & x is usually necess>y to limit ! 
que/ion+1 or to ask = brief answ]s4 ,x  
%\ld be emphasiz$ t ! p>ticipants are   
free at any "t to ask ea* o!r p]sonal   
que/ions2 ?is und]/&+ creates a climate 
( op5ness :i* emphasizes ! goal (       
communication-9-dep?4   ,,! ,,gr\p ,,9  
,,action  ,assembl$ aga9 on ,saturday   
morn+1 we beg9 by prep>+ our roll+      
ag5da1 z "o ( ! tra9ee c\ples call$ x1 9
 ord] to keep a record ( :at ! gr\p     
memb]s want to talk ab\t4 ,! aspects (  
m>riage !y want to include = discussion 
be=e ! week5d is ov] gives u clues to ! 
issues t are important to !m4 ,! li/ )  
:i* "o ( our tra9ee c\ples />t$ _!      
retreat 03      ,:at is ! /ate ( our    
m>riage n[8 ,h[ h ?+s *ang$     z our   
relation%ip has gr[n8      ,:at are !   
memorable exp]i5ces 9 our lives t h     
enri*$ our m>riage8      ,:at h we f\nd 
to be ! mo/ effective ways ( h&l+       
conflict8      ,:at d we feel ab\t a    
dep? relation%ip betwe5 "o ( u     &    
ano!r p]son outside ! m>riage8      ,h  

we f\nd ways ( %>+ t h contribut$ to our
     spiritual gr[?8  ,we ask ! gr\p    
memb]s if !y h any conc]ns expla9+ t if 
memb]s ( ! gr\p feel unhappy1 or anxi\s1
 or angry1 ab\t any?+ t has happ5$1 !y h
 a duty to %>e _! feel+s ) u all o!rwise
 ! fell[%ip w be brok54 ,situations h   
occurr$ 9 :i* someone _h a conc]n t     
ano!r memb] ( ! gr\p also _h & nei!r 0  
express+4  ,z a gr\p _c function        
effectively )\t op5ness to ea* o!r on ! 
"p ( its memb]s1 nei!r c a m>riage gr[  
)\t ! same k9d ( op5ness betwe5 its     
p>tn]s4 ,?is is :at e m>ri$ c\ple %\ld  
be do+ e day--rais+ issues t ne$ to be  
discuss$1 & be+ hone/ ab\t di/urb$ or   
negative feel+s4  ,!re is a sequ5ce (   
ev5ts t is typical ( mo/ retreats4      
,ne>ly always1 we beg9 ) g5]al          
discussion ( "s aspect ( m>ri$ life4 ,at
 ?is /age we are te/+ ea* o!r1 s we take
 refuge 9 g5]alizations4 ,a common !me  
is ! difficulties ( rais+ *ildr54 ,we c 
all commis]ate ) ea* o!r ab\t ! problems
 ( ! g5]ation gap = x is saf] to talk   

ab\t p>5?ood ?an ab\t m>riage4 ,if !    
talk does focus on m>riage1 su* topics z
 work+ wives or ov]work$ husb&s or ! %>+
 ( h\sehold tasks c be discuss$ )\t     
risk4  ,! gr\p w move at its own pace f 
! sup]ficial te/+ /age to ! deep] %>+4  
,! lead]s c facilitate ?is process1 b x 
isn't helpful if !y try to hurry x4     
,p]sonaliz+ ! discussion by us+ su*     
que/ions z ,m>y1 did y raise t subject  
because x's an issue betwe5 y & ,tom8 or
 ,i wond] if any c\ple c\ld give u an   
example f _! own exp]i5ce ( :at ,h>old  
has be5 talk+ ab\t8 is helpful4  ,once a
 c\ple h %>$ "s situation 9 _! own      
relation%ip1 "o ( ! lead]s c ask ,did   
any ( ! re/ ( y id5tify ) ,peg & ,l>ry z
 !y 7 talk+8 ,?is w help o!r c\ples to  
%>e r ?an discuss1 & move !             
communication to a deep] level4 ,a      
phrase we (t5 use is mak+ y\rself       
vuln]able--an act ( tru/ by %>+ a       
problem ab\t :i* ! c\ple feels "s       
emb>rassm5t4 ,! gr\p's response to ?is  
is inv>iably w>m & supportive ) an ef=t 

to help by %>+ simil> problems :i* o!rs 
h exp]i5c$ or are exp]i5c+4 ,sometimes a
 major break?r\gh is a*iev$ :5 ! lead]s 
are will+ to be vuln]able4  ,?is process
 ( deep %>+ mu/ n be se5 z an orgy (    
humiliat+ confessions4 ,n at all4 ,!    
areas :]e ! gr[? ( a m>riage is block$  
are almo/ always s5sitive ones :i* we   
t5d to keep hidd5 because !y make u feel
 inadequate or defeat$4 ,x may well be t
 a way out is n really difficult to     
a*ieve1 b z long z we are avoid+ ! :ole 
problem we are n likely to f9d a        
solution4 ,br++ ! issue out 9 ! op51 9 !
 pres5ce ( o!r c\ples eag] to help      
because ( simil> problems may sudd5ly   
break ! log-jam & move ! relation%ip    
along ! pa? to enri*m5t4 ,?is happ5s q  
(t5 dur+ retreats1 & ! results are      
usually decisive & la/+4 ,! resolution  
may come = a p>ticul> c\ple :5 !y are   
alone toge!r lat] report+ x to ! o!rs2  
or x may actually come 9 ! supportive   
atmosph]e t ! gr\p is able to g5]ate4   
,su* exp]i5ces are deeply reassur+ &    

rew>d+ = all ! p>ticipat+ c\ples4       
,,facilitat+ ,,ex]cises  ,! use ( simple
 ex]cises 9 ^! retreats has be5 f\nd to 
be v helpful4 ,:at !y d is to break up  
our /]eotyp$ & (t5 r /]ile patt]ns (    
int]action :5 p get toge!r4 ,!y are     
simply devices design$ to br+ ab\t c\ple
 int]action--sometimes = all ! c\ples 9 
! gr\p toge!r1 sometimes = "o c\ple at a
 "t4  ,a good example is ask+ ea* c\ple 
to draw a picture ( _! m>riage4 ,pap] & 
crayons are made available1 & ! c\ples  
scatt] ab\t ! room & "w on _! pictures4 
,!y may *oose to d ?is v]bally 7discuss+
 ! draw+ toge!r z !y g along7 or        
non-v]bally 7work+ at x toge!r 9        
sil5ce74 ,:5 all h f9i%$1 we come back  
to ! circle ( *airs1 & ea* c\ple 9 turn 
lays _! picture on ! floor & expla9s x  
to ! gr\p4 ,?is is an activity ! c\ples 
always seem to enjoy2 & x enables u to  
le>n a good deal ab\t ea* o!r4 ,!       
lead]s1 ( c\rse1 also draw _! picture1 &
 display x ) ! o!rs4 ,we h accumulat$ q 
a collection6  ,"o ( our tra9ee c\ples  

introduc$ danc+4 ,lights are dimm$ 9 !  
room1 a record is play$1 & all ! c\ples 
dance1 ea* c\ple improvis+ :atev]       
movem5ts express _! mood4 ,!y !n sit    
r\nd & report on :at ! exp]im5t meant to
 !m4  ,occasionally :5 we are fac$ ) a  
controv]sial subject 7= example1 ,h[ f> 
are y prep>$ to all[ y\r p>tn] to g 9   
fri5d%ips ) ! opposite sex871 we might  
ask all ! c\ples to discuss ?is         
privately toge!r = t5 m9utes1 & !n      
report to ! :ole gr\p :at conclusions !y
 h rea*$4  ,ano!r k9d ( ex]cise is :at  
we call dialogues4 ,a volunte] c\ple sit
 9 ! c5t] on *airs or on ! floor fac+   
ea* o!r1 & talk back & =? on a subject  
*os5 by ! gr\p b accept$ by !m4 ,"s     
topics h be5 ,h[ d we deal ) conflict 9 
our m>riage82 ,h[ d we ov]come fe>s (   
intimacy82 ,:at are our proc$ures 9     
decision-mak+82 ,h[ d we meet ea* o!r's 
dep5d5cy ne$s8 ,! subject %\ld ( c\rse  
focus on husb&-wife int]action4  ,x is  
be/ = ! int]*ange betwe5 ! c\ple to be  
sl[ & delib]ate4 ,inde$1 x is helpful = 

ea* to all[ a p]iod ( sil5ce be=e reply+
 to ! o!r 7le>n+ to pause 9 ?is way is a
 v helpful means ( mak+ husb&-wife      
discussions m effective74 ,sometimes two
 or ?ree c\ples may volunte]2 all sit 9 
! c5t] ( ! circle 7! fi%b[l1 z x is     
sometimes call$7 & ! dialogue is tak5 up
 by ea* 9 turn4 ,:ile ! dialogue is go+ 
on1 o!r memb]s ( ! gr\p %\ld n int]v5e  
or 9 any way act z an audi5ce4 ,! g5]al 
discussion comes aft]w>ds1 & provides an
 opportunity = o!rs :o id5tifi$ ) !     
c\ples 9 dialogue to %>e :at !y felt4   
,an int]e/+ v>iant is to ask if ano!r   
c\ple w volunte] to sit ) ! c\ple       
involv$ 9 dialogue1 & to function z alt]
 egos 7,lat9 = o!r selves74 ,! alt] ego 
on ea* side li/5s c>efully to :at is go+
 on1 & int]v5es f "t to "t to v]balize  
deep] levels ( communication &          
int]action t are n be+ express$ 9 words4
 ,play+ ! alt] ego role requires "s     
insight & skill1 b x is highly effective
 :5 well done4  ,ano!r ex]cise =        
individual c\ples is positive           

int]action4 ,a v simple device1 x is    
usually highly effective & (t5 deeply   
mov+4 ,= ?is reason we (t5 make x ! la/ 
activity on ,saturday ev5+4 ,x c ei!r be
 c>ri$ out by ab\t ?ree volunte] c\ples1
 or all c\ples may agree to take turns4 
,! c\ple sit fac+ ea* o!r1 hold+ h&s1 & 
are ask$ to tell ea* o!r1 simply &      
directly1 :at !y specially l ab\t ea*   
o!r1 be+ z specific z possible4         
,surpris+ly1 x turns out t v few c\ples 
h ev] done ?is be=e1 & ev]yone f9ds x a 
he>tw>m+ exp]i5ce4 ,we ?9k we h enc\nt]$
 "h ano!r taboo 9 our society--m>ri$    
c\ples sp5d inf9itely m "t tell+ ea* o!r
 :at !y don't l ab\t ea* o!r ?an :at !y 
d l4 ,mo/ ( u h a /rangely inhibit$     
self-consci\sness ab\t spell+ out 9     
detail :at we mean by ,i love y4  ,we   
g5]ally conclude ! retreat ) a %ort     
session ( p]haps half an h\r 9 :i* we   
%>e ) ea* o!r new insights & ! rew>d+   
exp]i5ces we h _h toge!r4 ,?is may      
appropriately be foll[$ by a ,quak]     
meet+ = wor%ip4  ,^! ex]cises are no m  

?an illu/rations4 ,lead+ c\ples are     
inv5t+ new ones all ! "t1 & !re seems to
 be no limit to _! +5uity4 ,! books by  
,h]b]t ,otto & ,g]ald ,smi?1 li/$ 9 !   
bibliography1 are full ( good ideas4  ,9
 ess5ce1 ^! 7 ! exp]i5ces 9 :i* we & our
 n9e tra9ee c\ples 7 involv$ dur+ !     
cr[d$ h\rs we sp5t toge!r at ,p5dle     
,hill4 ,be=e !y took _! dep>ture1 we    
enjo9$ !m n to try to repeat any?+ we _h
 done unless !y c\ld d s entirely       
naturally & com=tably4 ,!y w\ld develop 
_! own patt]ns ( lead]%ip1 & ^! w\ld be 
m effective ?an any?+ we _h taught !m4  
,,evaluation ,,& ,,reaffirmation  ,!    
foll[-up retreat at ,p5dle ,hill 0 mu* m
 ?an a reunion or season ( rejoic+4 ,we 
und]took toge!r an int5sive evaluation (
 :at _h be5 exp]i5c$4 ,"o c\ple1 =      
example1 _h _h to cope ) a m>riage 9    
s]i\s conflict s we set up a role-play+ 
re-enactm5t ( ! situation to s]ve z a   
le>n+ exp]i5ce = ! :ole gr\p4  ,we also 
tri$ to pool our ideas ab\t ! be/ way to
 plan & lead m>riage enri*m5t retreats4 

,our ag5da cov]$ ! foll[+ areas3        
,organiz+ ! ,retreat4 ,"t1 place1 co/1  
recruitm5t (     c\ples1 size ( gr\p1   
prep>atory mat]ials4      ,me?ods &     
,te*niques4 ,introductions1 ag5da1      
direct+     discussion1 divid+ up1      
special ex]cises1 crisis situations1    
evaluation4      ,lead]%ip ,roles4      
,qualifications1 goals1 tra9+1 c\ple    
teamwork1 prep>ation1 vuln]ability1     
foll[-up4      ,future ,plans4 ,fur!r   
retreats1 tra9+ new lead]s1             
coop]ation ) o!r gr\ps1 books &         
mat]ials4      ,o!r ,areas = ,enri*m5t4 
,retreats = y\?1 prem>ital     c\ples1  
p>5ts & te5-ag]s1 solo p>5ts1 s5ior     
citiz5s1     ,meet+ memb]s4  ,a numb] ( 
issues ( p>ticul> conc]n to ! gr\p 7    
ext5sively discuss$4 ,"o 0 ! di/9ction  
betwe5 our retreats & gr\p m>riage      
c\nsel+ on ! "o h&1 s5sitivity tra9+ &  
enc\nt] gr\ps on ! o!r4 ,ano!r issue    
conc]n$ our emphasis on positive        
int]action1 & ! disc\ragem5t1 ?\gh n    
avoidance1 ( ov]t expression ( negative 

feel+s betwe5 memb]s ( ! gr\p4 ,we also 
discuss$ :at causes m>riages to get /uck
 s t !y cease to gr[4 ,?is l$ u         
naturally to consid] ! limitations ( lay
 lead]s )\t tra9+ 9 m>riage c\nsel+1 &  
h[ to make effective ref]rals to        
pr(essionals :5 ?is seems to be         
indicat$4 ,we also talk$ ab\t ! use (   
sil5ce1 s natural to ,fri5ds1 & h[ f>   
non-,quak]s c\ld accept ?is4  ,9 all our
 discussions we 7 look+ =w>d4 ,!re 0 a  
confid5t assurance t we _h f\nd some?+ (
 great importance t mu/ be communicat$  
to o!rs--to ! ,society ( ,fri5ds        
g5]ally1 b to ! wid] _w z well4   ,,!   
,,second ,,r\nd  ,ano!r tra9+ program 0 
organiz$ & a second gr\p ( c\ples 7     
invit$ to ,p5dle ,hill4 ,on a ,friday   
ev5+ 9 ,novemb] #aiga1 !re=e1 ano!r wide
 circle ( m>ri$ c\ples assembl$ 9 !     
famili> liv+ room at ,p5dle ,hill2 lat] 
w5t =? to conduct retreats arrang$ by _!
 ,ye>ly ,meet+s2 & return$ triumphantly 
9 ,april #aigb to report to "o ano!r :at
 _h happ5$4  ,six ( ^! c\ples 7 new4 ,) 

!m we invit$ two exp]i5c$ c\ples f !    
fir/ gr\p ( tra9ees4 ,our idea 0 t !y   
might help 9 ! tra9+ ( ! o!r six1 & be  
ready !n to graduate z tra9]s 9 lat]    
regional programs4  ,we h us$ ?is me?od 
9 tra9+ c\ples be=e1 enc\rag+ a c\ple   
conduct+ a retreat = ! fir/ "t to team  
up ) ano!r tra9$ c\ple1 ea* support+ &  
help+ ! o!r 9 %>$ lead]%ip4 ,?is is a   
good le>n+ process2 & n[ we 7 apply+ x  
at ! level ( tra9+ pot5tial lead]s1 9 ! 
expectation ( mak+ ourselves disp5sable4
 ,a movem5t ( ?is k9d %\ld n be all[$ to
 focus on p]sonalities4 ,x w prosp] be/ 
by involv+ _m c\ples 9 a broad %>+ (    
lead]%ip responsibility4  ,we might h   
ask$ ourselves :e!r :at _h happ5$ 9     
#aifi-gj c\ld happ5 aga9 9 #aiga-gb4    
,w\ld ! high calib] ( ! e>li] gr\p (    
c\ples be su/a9$8 ,w\ld !y aga9 le>n    
quickly en\gh ?r\gh ! exp]i5ce ( "o     
retreat to function z successful lead]s8
 ,w\ld !y come back ) ! same en?usiasm &
 delight8 ,! answ]s to ^! que/ions w\ld 
d a great deal to validate ! plan we _h 

adopt$4  ,:5 our c\ples return$ 9 ,april
 #aigb1 ! answ]s 7 res\nd+ly 9 !        
affirmative4 ,9 "o case1 x 0 true1 !    
local arrangem5ts _h brok5 d[n & !y _h n
 _h ! opportunity yet to conduct a      
retreat--b !y came to ! reunion j !     
same4 7,_! opportunity = lead]%ip came  
lat]47 ,reports f all ! o!rs1 includ+ ! 
two vet]an c\ples1 _h ! same au!ntic r+ 
( success t _h be5 s\nd$ s unmi/akably a
 ye> e>li]4  ,quot+ f ! gr\p3  ,we felt 
our job 0 to provide "s /ructure to help
 ! exp]i5ce develop1 & !n let p sort x  
out = !mselves4 ,bo? ( u felt x 0 mo/   
important to ride ) ! tone ( ! develop+ 
situation1 & avoid any use ( ! m        
aggressive te*niques ( confrontation4   
,/an 0 worri$ on ,saturday t ! talk 0   
too g5]al4 ,!n "o ( ! wives broke ?r\gh 
by ask+ if we c\ld discuss some?+ 444   
d[n "h1 :]e ,i am 444 l ,,sex8 ,s we got
 !re 444  ,we view$ our task z lead]s to
 be "o ( creat+ & su/a9+ an atmosph]e 9 
:i* ea* c\ple c\ld speak p]sonally      
conc]n+ _! m>riage4 ,we felt we be/     

accompli%$ ?is task :5 we p>ticipat$ z a
 c\ple 9 ! same way z we urg$ ! o!rs to 
p>ticipate4  ,we reg>d$ ourselves z     
facilitators4 ,we tri$ to be creative   
li/5]s2 to put que/ions to ! gr\p t w\ld
 help !m to %>e p]sonal exp]i5ces2 to   
br+ ab\t a *ange ( pace :5 we s5s$ ?is  
to be necess>y4  ,we 7 q relax$4 ,we    
tri$ to be p]ceptive ( ! ne$s (         
individual c\ples4 ,we hope we didn't   
talk too mu*4  ,we saw ourselves z equal
 p>ticipants ) ! o!rs1 & facilitators ( 
a process :i* />t$ well ) frank1        
mean+ful conv]sation4 ,we did           
ag5da-build+ at sev]al po9ts4 ,our aim 0
 to create an atmosph]e 9 :i*           
def5siv5ess c\ld be replac$ ) tol]ant   
acceptance1 & tru/ & confid5ce c\ld gr[ 
z we he>d ea* o!r & le>n$ f ea* o!r4    
,,! ,,problem ,,( ,,unfelt ,,ne$  ,!    
und]ly+ problem is ! fact t ! m>riage   
enri*m5t retreat meets unfelt ne$s4 ,p  
don't feel ke5ly t !y ne$ x4 ,if y ?9k  
y\r m>riage is s\nd1 y ar5't /rongly    
motivat$ to sp5d a week5d mak+ x ev5    

s\nd]4 ,to get ! t+le ( a pot5tial      
deep5+ & enri*+ takes emotional impact4 
,?is means he>+ f someone obvi\sly      
s5sible :o is w>mly conv9c$ ab\t x4  ,a 
numb] ( !ories 7 develop$ to expla9 ?is 
resi/ance to our project4 ,9 g5]al1 x is
 true t x takes problems to motivate    
m>ri$ c\ples to seek help1 j z x takes  
pa9 to induce _m p to visit a doctor2 & 
9 bo? cases1 action may prove to be too 
late to be effective4 ,on ! o!r h&1 _m  
c\ples ) basically /able m>riages are   
wi/fully aw>e t _! relation%ip falls    
%ort ( _! expectations4 ,b x takes a    
/rong /imulus1 9 ! =m ( a cordial       
p]sonal invitation1 to get !m to take ! 
necess>y /eps to enroll = a retreat4    
,:atev] ! cause ( ?is retic5ce1 express+
 itself on occasions z resi/ance1 x     
seems an inappropriate response to !    
ne$s & opportunities ( our day & age &  
"o ( ! _m factors responsible = !       
ali5ation betwe5 "y & old :i* is        
popul>ly t]m$ ! g5]ation gap4 ,our      
tra9ees 7 !mselves ma9ly 9 ! second half

 ( life1 & !y well und]/ood ! privatism 
t is a legacy ( our pa/4 ,!y !mselves1  
h[ev]1 _h lo/ no?+1 & ga9$ a great deal 
by ! ef=ts !y _h made to cultivate      
great] op5ness to o!rs1 bo? 9 _!        
m>riages & 9 _! wid] relation%ips1 & !y 
w\ld lov+ly invite o!r ,fri5ds to make !
 same v5ture4 ,!y w\ld also plead )     
,fri5ds to give /rong] support to1 &    
und]take m active p>ticipation 91 a     
project to provide m>riage enri*m5t     
retreats = ! c\ples 9 ! c>e ( our       
,meet+s4  ,"s views 7 express$ sugge/+ a
 special retic5ce among ,fri5ds4 ,!re   
seem$ to be "s f\ndation = two          
!ories--fir/1 t ,quak]s t5d to be v     
heavily involv$ 9 social projects1      
sometimes to ! neglect ( _! own family  
relation%ips2 & second1 t !y t5d to be  
some:at puritanical 9 ! s5se t !y       
consid] x improp] to op5 _! private     
lives to o!rs4 ,!re may be a deep       
di*otomy 9 attitudes ( ,fri5ds "h su* z 
report$ by "o c\ple3 vivid impressions (
 hone/ enc\nt]s betwe5 ^? :o reg>d !    

wor%ip ( ,god z a private affair1 & ^?  
:o feel ! ne$ to rea* out to _! ,meet+  
community = p]sonal support & a s5se (  
communion :i* includes clos]            
relation%ips ) o!r ,fri5ds4  ,l o!r     
,fri5ds1 we are f9d+ t ^! exp]i5ces c   
release hi!rto unrealiz$ & untapp$      
res\rces ( spiritual /r5g? & p[]4 ,z    
express$ by "o c\ple3 ,= two ye>s we    
pass$ ?r\gh a d>k "t 9 our family1 try+ 
to f9d res\rces to deal ) a seem+ly     
insurm\ntable problem4 ,at our fir/     
retreat1 ) ! lov+ support ( ! gr\p1 we 7
 able z a c\ple to recov] our           
self-confid5ce1 s5se ( wor?1 & well-be+1
 & reaffirm our /r5g?s to ea* o!r4  ,!  
family problem has n[ be5 happily       
resolv$1 & we h f\nd extra /r5g? to     
p>ticipate fully 9 ! expression ( our   
,quak] conc]ns 9 ! l>g] community4 ,our 
,meet+ did mu* to su/a9 u ?r\gh !       
bleake/ times1 & br+ u back into        
cle>ness & light2 b :at help$ u ! mo/ to
 help ourselves 0 our activities ) !    
m>riage enri*m5t project4 ,we cont9ue to

 nurture at home ! new op5ness & dep? we
 h discov]$1 & h committ$ ourselves to  
ma9ta9 ! heal?y gr[? t has be5 made     
possible = u4   ,,conclusion  ,:at has  
be5 describ$ 9 ?is booklet c\ld easily  
be dismiss$ z a new fad t w ga9 limit$  
att5tion = a %ort "t & !n be =gott51 b x
 may in/ead be ! discov]y ( va/ untapp$ 
res\rces t c raise prim>y human         
relation%ips to new & high] levels (    
ri*ness & creativity4 ,if ?is %\ld be ! 
case ! loss ( ?is great opportunity w\ld
 be tragic4  ,! ne$ ( m5 & wom5 today1 z
 9 all ages1 is to le>n to live toge!r 9
 love & peace--to build up r ?an to te> 
d[n1 to coop]ate r ?an to compete1 to   
f9d mean+ 9 life ?r\gh op5 %>+ ) o!rs r 
?an ?r\gh n>r[ self-seek+4  ,religion   
has always /riv5 to fur!r ^! goals1     
because !y repres5t ! spiritual         
developm5t ( man4 ,b aga9 & aga9 !      
simple tru?s spok5 by great religi\s    
lead]s h be5 lo/ 9 ! complexity (       
elaborate in/itutions & ! lu/ = p[]4    
,fri5ds h be5 di/9ctive 9 _! /ubborn    

resi/ance to ^! div]sions & di/ortions (
 ! simple tru? t we mu/ le>n to love    
,god & man1 & t !re is no o!r pa? to    
r$emption4 ,9 ea* new age1 ,quak]s h    
f\nd ways to witness to ! way ( love & !
 way ( peace4  ,may x be t a c5tral     
call+ = ,fri5ds today is to respond to !
 dis9tegration ( m>riages & ! ali5ation 
( ! g5]ations by f9d+ 9 _! own m>riages1
 & 9 _! family relation%ips1 a new      
quality ( creativ5ess bas$ on a deep &  
hone/ %>+ ( life8 ,c love be spread     
abroad 9 ! e>?1 if x _c be nurtur$ 9 !  
close & intimate relation%ip betwe5 man 
& woman1 ! nucle> relation%ip :]e love  
beg9s & :]e life beg9s8 ,c "o proclaim  
peace among ! nations if unable to      
contrive to live 9 h>mony ) ^? "u "o's  
own ro(8  ,! mood ( our age is comp\nd$ 
( hope & despair4 ,we h a*iev$ s mu*1 9 
t]ms ( te*nological skill & p[]2 & we h 
a*iev$ s little1 9 t]ms ( h>moni\s human
 relation%ips4 ,we h creat$ ! p[] to    
make ?is _w1 comp>$ ) :at x has be51 a  
p>adise = man to enjoy1 b we h fail$ to 

make x possible = man to enjoy :at has  
be5 a*iev$4 ,) ! ?reat ( an atomic      
holocau/ hang+ l ! sword ( ,damocles ov]
 our heads1 we "k beyond d\bt t we mu/  
le>n ! art ( liv+ toge!r 9 love & peace 
or lose all we h4  ,9 su* an h\r1 :at c 
we d8  ,we c make a beg9n+4 ,we c beg9  
at home--) ourselves1 & ^? ne>e/ & de>e/
 to u4 ,we c /rive to le>n ! great art (
 liv+ 9 ! s*ool t has be5 provid$ = u4  
,we c build relation%ip-9-dep? at !     
f\ndations ( human society3 = 9 ! la/   
resort ! quality ( relation%ips 9 any   
community _c rise to any high] levels   
?an ! quality ( relation%ips 9 !        
families t make up ! community2 & !     
quality ( relation%ips 9 any family _c  
rise any high] ?an ! quality (          
relation%ips 9 ! m>riage t has br\ght x 
into be+4  ,yes1 !re is some?+ we c d to
 witness to ! p[] ( love & peace4 ,we c 
make a beg9n+4 ,m>riage enri*m5t is su* 
a beg9n+4     ,,footnotes3   ,footnote  
,a3 ,mace1 ,david ,r41 ,m>riage ,z      
,vocation1 ,f4,g4,c4 #aifi4  ,footnote  

,b3 ,repr9t$ 9 slightly revis$ =m f     
,fri5ds ,j\rnal1 ,decemb] #ae1 #aigb4   
,footnote ,c3 ,l$]] & ,jackson--,!      
,mirages ( ,m>riage1 ,norton1 #aifh1    
page #abi4  ,footnote ,d3 ,cic]o &      
,fahs--,conv]sations on ,sex & ,love 9  
,m>riage1 ,^w ,books1 #aigb4  ,footnote 
,e3 ,we h capitulat$ at times & h prep>$
 a brief book li/4 ,a l>g] li/ appe>s 9 
! app5dix4     ,,books ,,= ,,fur!r      
,,read+   ,!re is z yet little 9 ! way (
 lit]ature ab\t m>riage enri*m5t4 ,"h   
are a few books :i* h be5 f\nd useful by
 lead]s ( retreats4  ,ba*1 ,g4 ,r4 &    
,wyd51 ,p41 ,! ,intimate ,enemy4 ,morr[1
 #aifi1   7available 9 pap]back74 ,a    
bellig]5t b *all5g+ book   ab\t m>ital  
conflict4  ,cl9ebell1 ,h4 ,j4 & ,c4 ,h41
 ,! ,intimate ,m>riage4 ,h>p] &   ,r[1  
#aigj4 ,p]haps ! be/ book available on  
m>riage enri*m5t4  ,ha/+s1 ,d4 ,w41 ,a  
,doctor ,speaks on ,sexual ,expression 9
 ,m>riage4   ,little1 ,br[n1 #aiff4 ,a  
reliable guide writt5 by a psy*iatri/ & 
m>riage c\nselor4  ,l$]]1 ,w4 ,j4 &     

,jackson1 ,don ,d41 ,! ,mirages (       
,m>riage4   ,norton1 #aifh4 ,a *all5g+ &
 unusual book on contempor>y   m>riage4 
,mace1 ,d4 ,r41 ,success 9 ,m>riage4    
,ab+don1 #aieh4 ,an easily read         
pap]back on ! areas ( m>ital adju/m5t4  
,mace1 ,d4 ,r41 ,gett+ ,ready =         
,m>riage4 ,ab+don1 #aigb4 ,a   practical
 guide = ! c\ple prep>+ = m>riage4      
,mace1 ,d4 ,r41 ,sexual ,difficulties 9 
,m>riage4 ,=tress ,press1 #aigb4   ,a   
%ort & simple explanation ( sexual      
inadequacy & ! new   approa*es to its   
treatm5t4  ,mc,ginnes1 ,t41 ,y\r ,fir/  
,ye> ( ,m>riage4 ,a v helpful guide   = 
! rec5tly m>ri$ c\ple4  ,o',neill1 ,g4 &
 ,n41 ,! ,op5 ,m>riage4 ,a be/-sell] on 
"s (   today's new concepts ( m>riage4  
,otto1 ,h41 ,m ,joy 9 ,y\r ,m>riage4    
,corn]/one ,libr>y #aifi4   ,a book full
 ( practical ideas = increas+ m>ital    
pot5tial4  ,pet]son1 ,j4 ,a41 ,m>ri$    
,love 9 ! ,middle ,ye>s4 ,association   
,press1 #aifh4 ,an excell5t book on a   
neglect$ subject4  ,rub91 ,t4 ,i41 ,!   

,angry ,book1 ,macmillan1 #aifi4        
,samuel1 ,doro?y1 ,! ,fun & ,games (    
,m>riage4 ,^w ,books1   #aigc4 ,?\ghts  
on m>riage z a dep? relation%ip1 writt5 
by "o ( our ,quak] tra9ees4  ,smi?1 ,g4 
,w4 & ,a4 ,i41 ,me & ,y & ,u4 ,wyd51    
#aiga4 ,a   book ( ex]cises 7#dg 9 all7 
= c\ples seek+ m>riage   enri*m5t4      
,writt5 by a c\ple :o p>ticipat$ 9 "o ( 
our e>lie/ retreats at ,kirkridge1 !n   
w5t into ! field z   full-"t family     
!rapi/s4  ,we/1 ,jessamyn1 ,love is ,n  
,:at ,y ,?9k4 ,h>c\rt1 ,brace1   #aiei4 
,writt5 by a di/+ui%$ ,quak] noveli/4