,marriage ,enrichment ,retreats ,story of a ,quaker ,project ,by ,david and ,vera ,mace ,friends ,general ,conference #aebj ,race ,street ,philadelphia1 ,pennsylvania1 #aiajb ,about the ,maces ,david and ,vera ,mace have spent almost forty years making a vital relationship of their own marriage1 and1 because of their inherent sense of purpose1 consequently have enriched the lives and marriages of innumerable persons in some sixty countries around the world4 ,david ,mace's first degree was in science from the ,university of ,london4 ,earlier family influence led him on to ,cambridge ,university1 a degree in theology1 and work in a mission church in the slums of ,london4 ,vera1 already in youth work1 joined him after their marriage in the work of the mission church4 ,from that point on theirs was a partnership which focused on counselling persons in trouble4 ,later1 a ,ph,d4 in sociology for ,david and a ,masters degree with a thesis on ,christian marriage for ,vera1 moved them into full time marriage guidance work4 7,two children1 a war causing forced separation for a time1 and a pacifist stand by ,david which also made life more difficult1 only strengthened them in their life's purpose47 ,before leaving ,britain permanently in #aidi1 they had set up more than one hundred marriage guidance centers and achieved their goal of recognition for the ,marriage ,guidance ,council4 ,it would be impossible to enumerate specifically here all the activities of teaching1 published writing1 training seminars and travels the ,maces have shared4 ,theirs has been a life of richly varied experiences and shared responsibilities4 ,from #aifj-fg the ,maces served as joint ,executive ,directors of the ,american ,association of ,marriage ,counsellors4 ,at present they are members of ,summit ,friends ,meeting in ,new ,jersey1 currently living in ,winston-,salem1 ,north ,carolina1 where ,david ,mace is ,professor of ,family ,sociology at the ,behavioral ,sciences ,center1 ,bowman ,gray ,school of ,medicine4 ,david ,mace delivered the #aifh ,rufus ,jones ,lecture1 ,marriage ,as ,vocation4 ,this pamphlet and the project it presents is an outgrowth of that experience4 ,how important is it that ,quakers should have good marriages1 and what should ,friends ,general ,conference be doing about it8 ,this question was asked at a gathering of ten married couples1 all of them ,friends1 representing both the ,u4,s4 and ,canada4 ,what brought these couples together was the common bond that all had been leading marriage enrichment retreats at which six to eight couples1 all with stable marriages1 spent an intensive weekend sharing marital growth around the theme communications-in-depth about relationship-in-depth4 ,the project of which they had been a part dates back to the #aifh ,rufus ,jones ,lecture1 ,marriage as ,vocation4,a ,the impact of the ,lecture and the weekend following resulted in the ,religious ,education ,committee of ,friends ,general ,conference sponsoring a project to train couples selected by ,yearly ,meetings to lead marriage enrichment programs in their own regions4 ,the first group was trained in #aifi1 the second in #aiga1 and1 as the majority of them met again the consensus grew that this project had been sufficiently tested to provide the basis for a more extensive movement within our fellowship4 ,a number of concerns emerged that can best be expressed as questions3 ,do ,friends reaffirm their traditional belief in marriage and the family as the foundation unit of the ,meeting8 ,do ,friends believe that their mission to spread love and peace in the world begins with the practice of love and peace in their own primary relationships8 ,are our ,meetings doing their utmost to make use of modern knowledge and experience in the preparation for marriage of those for whom they accept responsibility8 ,are our ,meetings satisfied with what they are doing for the care and support of the marriages of their members1 and that divorces that occur could not have been prevented by any means that lay in their power8 ,would ,friends in positions of leadership be willing to demonstrate their support for this project by participating in retreats at which they can examine with others the potentialities for growth of their own marriages8 ,those who met at ,pendle ,hill were not in a position to answer any of these questions in a definitive way4 ,it is clear that answers would vary from one ,friend to another and from one ,meeting to another4 ,they felt1 however1 that it would be appropriate and timely for these questions to be more widely considered4 ,moreover1 their own experiences of marital growth1 resulting from their sharing with other married couples1 had been so rich and rewarding that they felt they had good news to pass on1 and were constrained to do so4,b ,,the ,,plan ,yearly ,meetings throughout the ,united ,states were invited to select with care a married couple for a weekend of training at ,pendle ,hill1 the ,quaker study center near ,philadelphia4 ,during the six months following the training each couple would have the opportunity to conduct a marriage enrichment retreat arranged by their ,yearly ,meeting4 ,then all the couples would reassemble at ,pendle ,hill to share their experiences4 ,the project would be evaluated1 and further action would depend on whatever judgment was reached4 ,we two were asked to lead the two training weekends4 ,our decision was to begin with an actual retreat for the group of couples since this experience would1 in our judgment1 provide the best training we could give them4 ,,premises ,,from ,,earlier ,,experiences ,in #aifb ,joe and ,edith ,platt1 a ,quaker couple who helped run a retreat center called ,kirkridge1 invited us to conduct a weekend for married couples4 ,we were at that time joint ,executive ,directors of the ,american ,association of ,marriage ,counselors1 so this was a challenge we could hardly evade4 ,although we had been involved in many lectures and conferences about marriage1 and plenty of marriage counseling1 a retreat for married couples was a new venture4 ,however1 we accepted the invitation1 conducted the retreat to the best of our ability1 and learned a great deal in the process4 ,there is no need at this point to go into detail about the procedures we followed for we improved on them considerably later as we gained further experience4 ,the first ,kirkridge retreat was successful enough to encourage the ,platts to ask us to come again and again4 ,we then began to receive other requests as it became known that we were available for this kind of leadership1 most of them being under religious auspices4 ,the retreats generally began on ,friday evening and ended with ,sunday lunch4 ,one1 for ,methodist ministers and their wives1 lasted five days1 and proved to be the inauguration of a nation-wide program now being run by the ,united ,methodist ,church under the title marriage communication labs4 ,these experiences brought us into close touch with many normal married couples4 ,our practice was to insist that the retreats were not for couples with problems1 but for those who considered they had satisfactory marriages and wanted to explore their potential for further growth4 ,as counselors1 we had previously dealt only with marriages in trouble4 ,now we found that many of these normal couples were settling for relationships that were far short of their inherent potential4 ,some exhibited the same self-defeating interaction patterns which we were accustomed to finding in couples with problems--but either they had accepted these poor patterns as inevitable1 or the conflicts they caused had not yet reached crisis proportions4 ,matching our observation of these couples with some of the research findings on marital interaction1 we arrived at four important conclusions3 #a4 ,only a small proportion of marriages came anywhere near to realizing their full potential4 ,lederer and ,jackson,c suggest that the proportion of stable-satisfactory marriages in our culture does not exceed #e-aj percent4 #b4 ,most married couples desire1 and hope for1 the achievement we have called relationship-in-depth4 ,early in their married life1 however1 they find their growth together blocked by interpersonal conflicts which they either cannot understand or are not prepared to make the effort to resolve4 ,they settle for a series of compromises1 resulting in a superficial relationship4 #c4 ,as time passes1 the couple either accepts this unsatisfactory situation1 or it becomes progressively intolerable4 ,they are usually so locked into their self-defeating interaction pattern that they are quite unable to change it by their own unaided efforts4 ,some seek marriage counseling1 but often too late for it to be effective4 #d4 ,this tragedy of undeveloped potential could be avoided in many instances if married couples had a clearer concept of the task of marriage and did not have to struggle in almost total isolation from other couples going through the same experiences4 ,the potential of married couples for giving each other mutual help and support is very great2 but it is unable to function because of an unrecognized taboo in our culture4 ,this taboo1 hitherto unrecognized as such1 prevents married couples from sharing their intramarital experiences with other couples4 ,in many settings married couples form friendships with each other1 enjoy social contacts1 even work together on projects2 but there is always a tacit understanding that they do not reveal to each other1 further than is unavoidable1 what is going on in their husband-wife relationships4 ,complex mechanisms for evasion and mutual defense exist4 ,some of these are familiar1 strong hostility in one partner when the other appears to be revealing too much2 making jokes to relieve tension when some inner secret of the marriage accidently breaks to the surface2 silence or withdrawal when outsiders appear to be probing too deeply4 ,these defense systems work so well that it is not unusual when a couple begins divorce proceedings for others in their circle of acquaintance to express astonishment in such terms as ,we are amazed6 ,we had no idea that they were having trouble6 ,we could speculate about the reasons for this taboo3 a protection against public humiliation1 since we all want others to feel that we can manage competently such a basic undertaking as marriage2 a safeguard against exploitation1 since a discontented marriage partner offers fair game to a predatory third person2 a link with our sexual taboos1 since difficulties in marital adjustment often have a sexual component1 and any suggestion of sexual incompetence is deeply wounding to our pride4 ,it could reflect the traditional tendency to regard the family as a closed in-group--an attitude not without advantages for its strength and stability4 ,what we are concerned about1 however1 is that this taboo is being maintained with a strictness that goes far beyond its usefulness in our changing society4 ,it is depriving married couples of help and support from each other1 at a time when marriage has become much more difficult and demanding than it was in the past4 ,indeed1 we believe that with the emergence of the nuclear family as the norm in our ,western culture1 the individual marriage has been deprived of the supports derived from the extended family of the past precisely at a time when our rising expectations of highly rewarding interpersonal relationships are subjecting it to demands it is often unable to meet4 ,in the larger family groupings of the ,orient1 despite their hierarchical structure1 a great deal of help and support can become available to the individual couple in times of trouble from those with whom they share a common corporate life4 ,it may well be that the new life styles being experimented with today--mate-swapping1 multilateral marriages1 and group marriages1 for example--represent attempts to enable the individual marriage to break out of its isolation and to gain better communication1 interaction and needed support from other marital units4 ,a striking illustration of this trend toward deep sharing between married couples has come to our notice from an unexpected quarter4 ,two married couples from a conservative ,christian background decided to meet and talk together1 with complete detailed frankness1 about their sexual experiences4 ,a series of such meetings was held1 the conversations taped1 and subsequently published in book form4,d ,the couples1 after careful consideration1 decided not to hide behind a cloak of anonymity1 but to use their real names and disclose their identity4 ,confronted with this new trend1 we take the view that the taboo against the sharing of husband-wife experiences between one married couple and other married couples can with impunity be relaxed in appropriate situations with benefit to all concerned4 ,between such couples the development of great warmth1 empathy1 mutual understanding and support1 can contribute significantly to the enrichment and growth of the individual marriages involved4 ,this is essentially what happens in marriage enrichment retreats4 ,,comparison ,,with ,,therapy ,,and ,,encounter ,,groups ,how do our marriage enrichment groups differ from group marital therapy on the one hand1 and from encounter groups on the other8 ,these questions are raised by many people4 ,what are the answers8 ,group therapy for married couples is now widely available1 and its effectiveness has been established4 ,our marriage enrichment groups differ from therapy groups in three important respects4 ,first1 marital therapy is undertaken with couples who have serious problems1 often because the individuals concerned suffer from personality disorders4 ,when marriages are not stable a good deal of pathology may emerge in the course of group interaction4 ,severe conflict between husband and wife may have to be permitted to surface and be handled openly by the therapist4 ,the second important difference is that therapy groups generally continue meeting1 on a weekly or bi-weekly basis1 over a long period of time--as long as a year in some cases4 ,moreover1 individual couples may also undergo counseling 7individually1 conjointly1 or both7 in association with the group therapy either before being admitted to the group or concurrently with the group experience4 ,the third difference is in the leadership pattern4 ,therapy groups are led by professionally qualified persons--psychiatrists1 clinical psychologists1 social workers1 marriage counselors4 ,they play a fairly directive role4 ,the leaders are often male and female co-therapists1 but are seldom husband and wife4 ,the role model aspect of the enrichment group1 as well as the participatory aspect1 are therefore much less pronounced and the group is less free to find and follow its own direction4 ,an enrichment group consists of several married couples not in need of therapy meeting on an intensive basis but for a limited time period4 ,in our opinion such groups need not be led by professional therapists2 although1 other things being equal1 that is of course a decided advantage4 ,we have come to the conclusion1 however1 that effective leadership can be given by lay couples if they are carefully selected and trained4 ,the encounter group1 a general descriptive term1 is intended to include many variants4 ,we have participated in such groups1 studied their procedures1 and adapted some of these to our marriage enrichment retreats4 ,couples who have been involved in encounter groups adjust quickly and easily to the methods we use in marriage enrichment1 are generally very cooperative1 and an asset to our groups4 ,there are two significant respects in which our marriage enrichment retreats differ from encounter groups4 ,first1 encounter groups are composed of individuals1 while our groups are confined to1 and led by1 married couples4 ,this distinction calls for different approaches4 ,there is a greater complexity in the leadership1 and a greater complexity in the group itself4 ,the encounter group is confined to interactions between separate individuals and usually these individuals have not known each other before joining the group and probably will not continue association afterwards4 ,by contrast1 we have at least three kinds of interaction3 between individuals within the group1 between couples 7including the leading couple7 within the group1 and between husband and wife within the marital unit4 ,this multidimensional aspect of the enrichment group not only makes it more complex1 but also increases its potential4 ,this is particularly true after the experience is over4 ,from our knowledge of encounter groups we are aware of the problems encountered by the individual who1 after experiencing a new and invigorating openness and warmth in interaction with others returns home to an atmosphere in which a similar quality of relationship cannot be sustained unless there are already friends and associates at home who have had the benefit of earlier encounter experiences4 ,in the case of our marriage enrichment retreats1 the experience is not gained by an isolated individual1 but by a preexisting social unit1 so that new levels of openness and warmth which the couple have experienced in the group can continue to be maintained after their return home4 ,this would suggest that the casualty rates for couples would not be nearly so high as for individuals4 ,we know of no precise study that has investigated this1 but our general impressions would seem to confirm it4 ,the second significant difference between encounter and marriage enrichment groups raises a somewhat controversial question4 ,encounter groups are more ready to evoke negative interaction between participants1 while we place major emphasis upon positive interaction4 ,if our judgment of encounter groups is in this respect inaccurate we are open to correction4 ,we have1 however1 gained the impression from many sources that an important technique used in these groups is to provide opportunities for the participants to secure cathartic release of their pent-up hostilities1 including hostilities engendered by1 or projected upon the group leader or one or more of its members4 ,we recognize that many people in our culture are pregnant with suppressed hostility or rage1 and that the provision of properly controlled opportunities for its release may constitute a commendable service2 and since the group members are generally strangers who will not be personally and socially involved later1 no entangling complications are likely to follow4 ,for our married couples1 the situation is different4 ,we do not mean that they do not have hostile feelings toward each other4 ,they often do1 and this comes out clearly and unmistakably4 ,we do not mean1 either1 that healthy discharge of these feelings might not be good for them--in our therapeutic work with individual couples in conjoint interviews1 we make full use of such controlled opportunity for cathartic release with ensuing interpretation4 ,it is our considered opinion1 however1 that in the particular context of our enrichment retreats1 unrestrained discharge of hostile feelings should in general not be encouraged4 ,our reasons8 ,one1 the shortness of the available time might not permit the proper resolution of such episodes4 ,two1 a couple who have openly discharged rage against each other may well react later with deep feelings of humiliation that are not easily assuaged4 ,three1 coping with this kind of explosive emotional discharge could be alarming for lay leaders not accustomed1 as the therapist is1 to the expression of deep feelings which normally are not displayed in public4 ,four1 other members of the group could be similarly disturbed and diverted from full participation in the main purpose of the retreat4 ,this complaint has actually been made1 and we think justly1 by participating couples in a group where a violent and prolonged emotional episode took place4 ,we have been criticized for taking this position1 but have not been persuaded to change our considered opinion4 ,that opinion is reinforced by another conclusion1 namely1 that when genuine positive interaction is promoted1 negative emotion1 even when it is strong and intense1 tends to dissolve and wither away4 ,couples have told us how their fierce hate melted in the atmosphere of warm and loving support engendered in the group1 and with the stirring of compassion within them1 they began to see each other in a new light4 ,we are inclined to the view1 after hearing such testimonies1 that in deploying our therapeutic armament we have given short shrift to the power of love not only to cast out fear1 but also to turn away wrath4 ,,lay ,,leadership ,our decision to train lay couples for leadership was not hastily made4 ,in fact in the early years during which we were leading retreats we knew of no other couples who were doing so4 ,after seven years we felt that we knew what we were doing4 ,although we expected criticism from some of our professional colleagues this has not developed to any significant degree1 and we are now entirely satisfied that we were justified in taking such a calculated risk4 ,we know of no case where our lay couples have encountered crisis situations which they were unable to handle with wisdom and skill4 ,,structuring ,,the ,,retreat ,these retreats require a minimum of organization and structure1 but that minimum must be firmly insisted upon4 ,we strongly favor the residential weekend retreat1 although we have met with groups of couples for separate evening sessions spaced out over four to six weeks4 ,this approach was found to be less effective1 but decidedly better than nothing for couples who cannot get away from their homes4 ,we would regard five or six couples as the optimum number1 but seldom have we enjoyed this luxury4 ,usually we have had to accept our upper limit of nine couples1 in addition to ourselves1 making a total group of twenty4 ,often more couples apply than we can take1 and the organizers plead with us to accept the maximum number because family crises can compel couples to drop out at the last moment4 ,two couples short at a retreat planned for five couples would leave only three4 ,therefore our normal procedure has been to ask for six to eight couples4 ,although the selection of the couples has been left to the organizers we insist that husband and wife both undertake to come together1 which means that if one has to drop out1 both do so2 we insist that they come only on condition that they both continuously participate in the entire retreat1 from beginning to end4 ,no requirements regarding age1 race1 vocation1 education1 or socio-economic status are made4 ,there are advantages in having a homogeneous group of couples1 but there are also advantages in a heterogenous group4 ,our groups have included one engaged couple and one honeymooning couple who came straight from their wedding as well as couples old enough to be retired4 ,they have included highly qualified professionals and blue-collar workers1 ,ph,d4s4 and high school drop-outs4 ,couples coming to our retreats should have what they consider to be reasonably good and stable marriages since our purpose is not to provide group therapy1 but to foster marital growth4 ,the reason for this requirement is that we do not believe that group marital therapy can be attempted on a short-term basis1 and it is not the purpose in these retreats4 ,many couples come to these retreats with a good deal of apprehension1 and some have told us that they would not have come at all had they not been assured that it was definitely not for problem couples4 ,despite all our efforts1 couples with severe marital problems do get in occasionally under the wire and we found no way of avoiding this4 ,we are often asked to provide preparatory material for the participants1 including books to read1 but we do not think there is any way to prepare for this kind of experience2 and recommending books to read might convey the impression that we are going to engage in intellectual discussion1 which is not the case4 ,we ourselves do not prepare for the retreats and do not ask the couples to do so either4 ,it is an adventure in sharing into which we all move together1 ready to take it as it comes4,e ,this does not mean1 however1 that our sessions are totally unstructured4 ,a timetable is worked out by the group1 not imposed upon it4 ,obviously it has to be planned in relation to the place and the circumstances of our meeting4 ,,introduction ,,to ,,the ,,friends' ,,experience ,in the living room of ,waysmeet1 the house at ,pendle ,hill in which we held our first training retreat1 there was just room for ten couples to sit in a wide circle4 ,what we are going to do here1 we explained1 is to experience together a marriage enrichment retreat4 ,we hope this experience will be meaningful to you all personally1 quite apart from the fact that you will be learning how to conduct a retreat yourselves after you return home4 ,we know of no better way to train you than to let you go through first what others will later go through under your leadership4 ,however1 we shall be working together at two levels4 ,at any point we can break off and examine together1 objectively1 what has been happening to us subjectively4 ,you can ask us as your leaders any questions you wish1 about what we are doing1 or why we are doing it4 ,our goal is very simple and very clear4 ,as married couples we are here to engage together in communication-in-depth about relationship-in-depth4 ,everything we do will be done with the intention of sharing with each other the directions in which we want our marriages to grow4 ,how far we travel will be decided not by us as leaders1 but by you as a group4 ,no one will be put under pressure to do anything he does not wish to do1 or to say anything he does not wish to say4 ,our function as leaders is to be 'participant facilitators4' ,we are in every sense members of the group1 and will fully share all the group's experiences4 ,we do not wish to be treated as experts or authorities4 ,the only way in which we shall exercise our role as leaders is to help the group to achieve its goal1 or to tell it if we think it is not taking the best direction toward that goal4 ,we make no claim to be infallible4 ,if at any point you don't agree with us1 it is your duty to say so4 ,if in any situation we don't know what to do next we shall say so frankly and ask you to help us4 ,now we are ready to begin4 ,the first thing we must do is to get to know each other as couples4 ,the sooner we get well acquainted1 the faster we can move toward our goal4 ,most of the first evening is devoted to the process of getting to know each other4 ,our favorite method is to ask the couples to volunteer in turn to be freely questioned by the group4 ,we usually volunteer first1 and make it clear that we are prepared to answer the most personal questions4 ,we indicate at this point that we would like to be called by our first names1 and we hope the others will agree to do the same4 ,the questions then begin1 and when there are no more1 we ask another couple to volunteer4 ,we prefer not to go round the circle in order1 or take names alphabetically4 ,everything is done voluntarily as far as possible1 to encourage spontaneity4 ,time goes quickly as the questions come thick and fast1 and it is usually necessary to limit the questioning1 or to ask for brief answers4 ,it should be emphasized that the participants are free at any time to ask each other personal questions2 this understanding creates a climate of openness which emphasizes the goal of communication-in-depth4 ,,the ,,group ,,in ,,action ,assembled again on ,saturday morning1 we begin by preparing our rolling agenda1 as one of the trainee couples called it1 in order to keep a record of what the group members want to talk about4 ,the aspects of marriage they want to include for discussion before the weekend is over gives us clues to the issues that are important to them4 ,the list with which one of our trainee couples started their retreat was3 ,what is the state of our marriage now8 ,how have things changed as our relationship has grown8 ,what are the memorable experiences in our lives that have enriched our marriage8 ,what have we found to be the most effective ways of handling conflict8 ,what do we feel about a depth relationship between one of us and another person outside the marriage8 ,have we found ways of sharing that have contributed to our spiritual growth8 ,we ask the group members if they have any concerns explaining that if members of the group feel unhappy1 or anxious1 or angry1 about anything that has happened1 they have a duty to share their feelings with us all otherwise the fellowship will be broken4 ,situations have occurred in which someone had a concern that another member of the group also had and neither was expressing4 ,as a group cannot function effectively without openness to each other on the part of its members1 neither can a marriage grow without the same kind of openness between its partners4 ,this is what every married couple should be doing every day--raising issues that need to be discussed1 and being honest about disturbed or negative feelings4 ,there is a sequence of events that is typical of most retreats4 ,nearly always1 we begin with general discussion of some aspect of married life4 ,at this stage we are testing each other1 so we take refuge in generalizations4 ,a common theme is the difficulties of raising children4 ,we can all commiserate with each other about the problems of the generation gap for it is safer to talk about parenthood than about marriage4 ,if the talk does focus on marriage1 such topics as working wives or overworked husbands or the sharing of household tasks can be discussed without risk4 ,the group will move at its own pace from the superficial testing stage to the deeper sharing4 ,the leaders can facilitate this process1 but it isn't helpful if they try to hurry it4 ,personalizing the discussion by using such questions as ,mary1 did you raise that subject because it's an issue between you and ,tom8 or ,i wonder if any couple could give us an example from their own experience of what ,harold has been talking about8 is helpful4 ,once a couple have shared some situation in their own relationship1 one of the leaders can ask ,did any of the rest of you identify with ,peg and ,larry as they were talking8 ,this will help other couples to share rather than discuss1 and move the communication to a deeper level4 ,a phrase we often use is making yourself vulnerable--an act of trust by sharing a problem about which the couple feels some embarrassment4 ,the group's response to this is invariably warm and supportive with an effort to help by sharing similar problems which others have experienced or are experiencing4 ,sometimes a major breakthrough is achieved when the leaders are willing to be vulnerable4 ,this process of deep sharing must not be seen as an orgy of humiliating confessions4 ,not at all4 ,the areas where the growth of a marriage is blocked are almost always sensitive ones which we tend to keep hidden because they make us feel inadequate or defeated4 ,it may well be that a way out is not really difficult to achieve1 but as long as we are avoiding the whole problem we are not likely to find a solution4 ,bringing the issue out in the open1 in the presence of other couples eager to help because of similar problems may suddenly break the log-jam and move the relationship along the path to enrichment4 ,this happens quite often during retreats1 and the results are usually decisive and lasting4 ,the resolution may come for a particular couple when they are alone together later reporting it to the others2 or it may actually come in the supportive atmosphere that the group is able to generate4 ,such experiences are deeply reassuring and rewarding for all the participating couples4 ,,facilitating ,,exercises ,the use of simple exercises in these retreats has been found to be very helpful4 ,what they do is to break up our stereotyped and often rather sterile patterns of interaction when people get together4 ,they are simply devices designed to bring about couple interaction--sometimes for all the couples in the group together1 sometimes for one couple at a time4 ,a good example is asking each couple to draw a picture of their marriage4 ,paper and crayons are made available1 and the couples scatter about the room and work on their pictures4 ,they may choose to do this verbally 7discussing the drawing together as they go along7 or non-verbally 7working at it together in silence74 ,when all have finished1 we come back to the circle of chairs1 and each couple in turn lays their picture on the floor and explains it to the group4 ,this is an activity the couples always seem to enjoy2 and it enables us to learn a good deal about each other4 ,the leaders1 of course1 also draw their picture1 and display it with the others4 ,we have accumulated quite a collection6 ,one of our trainee couples introduced dancing4 ,lights are dimmed in the room1 a record is played1 and all the couples dance1 each couple improvising whatever movements express their mood4 ,they then sit round and report on what the experiment meant to them4 ,occasionally when we are faced with a controversial subject 7for example1 ,how far are you prepared to allow your partner to go in friendships with the opposite sex871 we might ask all the couples to discuss this privately together for ten minutes1 and then report to the whole group what conclusions they have reached4 ,another kind of exercise is what we call dialogues4 ,a volunteer couple sit in the center on chairs or on the floor facing each other1 and talk back and forth on a subject chosen by the group but accepted by them4 ,some topics have been ,how do we deal with conflict in our marriage82 ,how do we overcome fears of intimacy82 ,what are our procedures in decision-making82 ,how do we meet each other's dependency needs8 ,the subject should of course focus on husband-wife interaction4 ,it is best for the interchange between the couple to be slow and deliberate4 ,indeed1 it is helpful for each to allow a period of silence before replying to the other 7learning to pause in this way is a very helpful means of making husband-wife discussions more effective74 ,sometimes two or three couples may volunteer2 all sit in the center of the circle 7the fishbowl1 as it is sometimes called7 and the dialogue is taken up by each in turn4 ,while the dialogue is going on1 other members of the group should not intervene or in any way act as an audience4 ,the general discussion comes afterwards1 and provides an opportunity for others who identified with the couples in dialogue to share what they felt4 ,an interesting variant is to ask if another couple will volunteer to sit with the couple involved in dialogue1 and to function as alter egos 7,latin for other selves74 ,the alter ego on each side listens carefully to what is going on1 and intervenes from time to time to verbalize deeper levels of communication and interaction that are not being expressed in words4 ,playing the alter ego role requires some insight and skill1 but it is highly effective when well done4 ,another exercise for individual couples is positive interaction4 ,a very simple device1 it is usually highly effective and often deeply moving4 ,for this reason we often make it the last activity on ,saturday evening4 ,it can either be carried out by about three volunteer couples1 or all couples may agree to take turns4 ,the couple sit facing each other1 holding hands1 and are asked to tell each other1 simply and directly1 what they specially like about each other1 being as specific as possible4 ,surprisingly1 it turns out that very few couples have ever done this before1 and everyone finds it a heartwarming experience4 ,we think we have encountered here another taboo in our society--married couples spend infinitely more time telling each other what they don't like about each other than what they do like4 ,most of us have a strangely inhibited self-consciousness about spelling out in detail what we mean by ,i love you4 ,we generally conclude the retreat with a short session of perhaps half an hour in which we share with each other new insights and the rewarding experiences we have had together4 ,this may appropriately be followed by a ,quaker meeting for worship4 ,these exercises are no more than illustrations4 ,leading couples are inventing new ones all the time1 and there seems to be no limit to their ingenuity4 ,the books by ,herbert ,otto and ,gerald ,smith1 listed in the bibliography1 are full of good ideas4 ,in essence1 these were the experiences in which we and our nine trainee couples were involved during the crowded hours we spent together at ,pendle ,hill4 ,before they took their departure1 we enjoined them not to try to repeat anything we had done unless they could do so entirely naturally and comfortably4 ,they would develop their own patterns of leadership1 and these would be more effective than anything we had taught them4 ,,evaluation ,,and ,,reaffirmation ,the follow-up retreat at ,pendle ,hill was much more than a reunion or season of rejoicing4 ,we undertook together an intensive evaluation of what had been experienced4 ,one couple1 for example1 had had to cope with a marriage in serious conflict so we set up a role-playing re-enactment of the situation to serve as a learning experience for the whole group4 ,we also tried to pool our ideas about the best way to plan and lead marriage enrichment retreats4 ,our agenda covered the following areas3 ,organizing the ,retreat4 ,time1 place1 cost1 recruitment of couples1 size of group1 preparatory materials4 ,methods and ,techniques4 ,introductions1 agenda1 directing discussion1 dividing up1 special exercises1 crisis situations1 evaluation4 ,leadership ,roles4 ,qualifications1 goals1 training1 couple teamwork1 preparation1 vulnerability1 follow-up4 ,future ,plans4 ,further retreats1 training new leaders1 cooperation with other groups1 books and materials4 ,other ,areas for ,enrichment4 ,retreats for youth1 premarital couples1 parents and teen-agers1 solo parents1 senior citizens1 ,meeting members4 ,a number of issues of particular concern to the group were extensively discussed4 ,one was the distinction between our retreats and group marriage counseling on the one hand1 sensitivity training and encounter groups on the other4 ,another issue concerned our emphasis on positive interaction1 and the discouragement1 though not avoidance1 of overt expression of negative feelings between members of the group4 ,we also discussed what causes marriages to get stuck so that they cease to grow4 ,this led us naturally to consider the limitations of lay leaders without training in marriage counseling1 and how to make effective referrals to professionals when this seems to be indicated4 ,we also talked about the use of silence1 so natural to ,friends1 and how far non-,quakers could accept this4 ,in all our discussions we were looking forward4 ,there was a confident assurance that we had found something of great importance that must be communicated to others--to the ,society of ,friends generally1 but to the wider world as well4 ,,the ,,second ,,round ,another training program was organized and a second group of couples were invited to ,pendle ,hill4 ,on a ,friday evening in ,november #aiga1 therefore1 another wide circle of married couples assembled in the familiar living room at ,pendle ,hill2 later went forth to conduct retreats arranged by their ,yearly ,meetings2 and returned triumphantly in ,april #aigb to report to one another what had happened4 ,six of these couples were new4 ,with them we invited two experienced couples from the first group of trainees4 ,our idea was that they might help in the training of the other six1 and be ready then to graduate as trainers in later regional programs4 ,we have used this method in training couples before1 encouraging a couple conducting a retreat for the first time to team up with another trained couple1 each supporting and helping the other in shared leadership4 ,this is a good learning process2 and now we were applying it at the level of training potential leaders1 in the expectation of making ourselves dispensable4 ,a movement of this kind should not be allowed to focus on personalities4 ,it will prosper best by involving many couples in a broad sharing of leadership responsibility4 ,we might have asked ourselves whether what had happened in #aifi-gj could happen again in #aiga-gb4 ,would the high caliber of the earlier group of couples be sustained8 ,would they again learn quickly enough through the experience of one retreat to function as successful leaders8 ,would they come back with the same enthusiasm and delight8 ,the answers to these questions would do a great deal to validate the plan we had adopted4 ,when our couples returned in ,april #aigb1 the answers were resoundingly in the affirmative4 ,in one case1 it was true1 the local arrangements had broken down and they had not had the opportunity yet to conduct a retreat--but they came to the reunion just the same4 7,their opportunity for leadership came later47 ,reports from all the others1 including the two veteran couples1 had the same authentic ring of success that had been sounded so unmistakably a year earlier4 ,quoting from the group3 ,we felt our job was to provide some structure to help the experience develop1 and then let people sort it out for themselves4 ,both of us felt it was most important to ride with the tone of the developing situation1 and avoid any use of the more aggressive techniques of confrontation4 ,stan was worried on ,saturday that the talk was too general4 ,then one of the wives broke through by asking if we could discuss something 444 down here1 where ,i am 444 like ,,sex8 ,so we got there 444 ,we viewed our task as leaders to be one of creating and sustaining an atmosphere in which each couple could speak personally concerning their marriage4 ,we felt we best accomplished this task when we participated as a couple in the same way as we urged the others to participate4 ,we regarded ourselves as facilitators4 ,we tried to be creative listeners2 to put questions to the group that would help them to share personal experiences2 to bring about a change of pace when we sensed this to be necessary4 ,we were quite relaxed4 ,we tried to be perceptive of the needs of individual couples4 ,we hope we didn't talk too much4 ,we saw ourselves as equal participants with the others1 and facilitators of a process which started well with frank1 meaningful conversation4 ,we did agenda-building at several points4 ,our aim was to create an atmosphere in which defensiveness could be replaced with tolerant acceptance1 and trust and confidence could grow as we heard each other and learned from each other4 ,,the ,,problem ,,of ,,unfelt ,,need ,the underlying problem is the fact that the marriage enrichment retreat meets unfelt needs4 ,people don't feel keenly that they need it4 ,if you think your marriage is sound1 you aren't strongly motivated to spend a weekend making it even sounder4 ,to get the tingle of a potential deepening and enriching takes emotional impact4 ,this means hearing from someone obviously sensible who is warmly convinced about it4 ,a number of theories were developed to explain this resistance to our project4 ,in general1 it is true that it takes problems to motivate married couples to seek help1 just as it takes pain to induce many people to visit a doctor2 and in both cases1 action may prove to be too late to be effective4 ,on the other hand1 many couples with basically stable marriages are wistfully aware that their relationship falls short of their expectations4 ,but it takes a strong stimulus1 in the form of a cordial personal invitation1 to get them to take the necessary steps to enroll for a retreat4 ,whatever the cause of this reticence1 expressing itself on occasions as resistance1 it seems an inappropriate response to the needs and opportunities of our day and age and one of the many factors responsible for the alienation between young and old which is popularly termed the generation gap4 ,our trainees were themselves mainly in the second half of life1 and they well understood the privatism that is a legacy of our past4 ,they themselves1 however1 had lost nothing1 and gained a great deal by the efforts they had made to cultivate greater openness to others1 both in their marriages and in their wider relationships1 and they would lovingly invite other ,friends to make the same venture4 ,they would also plead with ,friends to give stronger support to1 and undertake more active participation in1 a project to provide marriage enrichment retreats for the couples in the care of our ,meetings4 ,some views were expressed suggesting a special reticence among ,friends4 ,there seemed to be some foundation for two theories--first1 that ,quakers tend to be very heavily involved in social projects1 sometimes to the neglect of their own family relationships2 and second1 that they tend to be somewhat puritanical in the sense that they consider it improper to open their private lives to others4 ,there may be a deep dichotomy in attitudes of ,friends here such as reported by one couple3 vivid impressions of honest encounters between those who regard the worship of ,god as a private affair1 and those who feel the need to reach out to their ,meeting community for personal support and a sense of communion which includes closer relationships with other ,friends4 ,like other ,friends1 we are finding that these experiences can release hitherto unrealized and untapped resources of spiritual strength and power4 ,as expressed by one couple3 ,for two years we passed through a dark time in our family1 trying to find resources to deal with a seemingly insurmountable problem4 ,at our first retreat1 with the loving support of the group1 we were able as a couple to recover our self-confidence1 sense of worth1 and well-being1 and reaffirm our strengths to each other4 ,the family problem has now been happily resolved1 and we have found extra strength to participate fully in the expression of our ,quaker concerns in the larger community4 ,our ,meeting did much to sustain us through the bleakest times1 and bring us back into clearness and light2 but what helped us the most to help ourselves was our activities with the marriage enrichment project4 ,we continue to nurture at home the new openness and depth we have discovered1 and have committed ourselves to maintain the healthy growth that has been made possible for us4 ,,conclusion ,what has been described in this booklet could easily be dismissed as a new fad that will gain limited attention for a short time and then be forgotten1 but it may instead be the discovery of vast untapped resources that can raise primary human relationships to new and higher levels of richness and creativity4 ,if this should be the case the loss of this great opportunity would be tragic4 ,the need of men and women today1 as in all ages1 is to learn to live together in love and peace--to build up rather than to tear down1 to cooperate rather than to compete1 to find meaning in life through open sharing with others rather than through narrow self-seeking4 ,religion has always striven to further these goals1 because they represent the spiritual development of man4 ,but again and again the simple truths spoken by great religious leaders have been lost in the complexity of elaborate institutions and the lust for power4 ,friends have been distinctive in their stubborn resistance to these diversions and distortions of the simple truth that we must learn to love ,god and man1 and that there is no other path to redemption4 ,in each new age1 ,quakers have found ways to witness to the way of love and the way of peace4 ,may it be that a central calling for ,friends today is to respond to the disintegration of marriages and the alienation of the generations by finding in their own marriages1 and in their family relationships1 a new quality of creativeness based on a deep and honest sharing of life8 ,can love be spread abroad in the earth1 if it cannot be nurtured in the close and intimate relationship between man and woman1 the nuclear relationship where love begins and where life begins8 ,can one proclaim peace among the nations if unable to contrive to live in harmony with those under one's own roof8 ,the mood of our age is compounded of hope and despair4 ,we have achieved so much1 in terms of technological skill and power2 and we have achieved so little1 in terms of harmonious human relationships4 ,we have created the power to make this world1 compared with what it has been1 a paradise for man to enjoy1 but we have failed to make it possible for man to enjoy what has been achieved4 ,with the threat of an atomic holocaust hanging like the sword of ,damocles over our heads1 we know beyond doubt that we must learn the art of living together in love and peace or lose all we have4 ,in such an hour1 what can we do8 ,we can make a beginning4 ,we can begin at home--with ourselves1 and those nearest and dearest to us4 ,we can strive to learn the great art of living in the school that has been provided for us4 ,we can build relationship-in-depth at the foundations of human society3 for in the last resort the quality of relationships in any community cannot rise to any higher levels than the quality of relationships in the families that make up the community2 and the quality of relationships in any family cannot rise any higher than the quality of relationships in the marriage that has brought it into being4 ,yes1 there is something we can do to witness to the power of love and peace4 ,we can make a beginning4 ,marriage enrichment is such a beginning4 ,,footnotes3 ,footnote ,a3 ,mace1 ,david ,r41 ,marriage ,as ,vocation1 ,f4,g4,c4 #aifi4 ,footnote ,b3 ,reprinted in slightly revised form from ,friends ,journal1 ,december #ae1 #aigb4 ,footnote ,c3 ,lederer and ,jackson--,the ,mirages of ,marriage1 ,norton1 #aifh1 page #abi4 ,footnote ,d3 ,cicero and ,fahs--,conversations on ,sex and ,love in ,marriage1 ,word ,books1 #aigb4 ,footnote ,e3 ,we have capitulated at times and have prepared a brief book list4 ,a larger list appears in the appendix4 ,,books ,,for ,,further ,,reading ,there is as yet little in the way of literature about marriage enrichment4 ,here are a few books which have been found useful by leaders of retreats4 ,bach1 ,g4 ,r4 and ,wyden1 ,p41 ,the ,intimate ,enemy4 ,morrow1 #aifi1 7available in paperback74 ,a belligerent but challenging book about marital conflict4 ,clinebell1 ,h4 ,j4 and ,c4 ,h41 ,the ,intimate ,marriage4 ,harper and ,row1 #aigj4 ,perhaps the best book available on marriage enrichment4 ,hastings1 ,d4 ,w41 ,a ,doctor ,speaks on ,sexual ,expression in ,marriage4 ,little1 ,brown1 #aiff4 ,a reliable guide written by a psychiatrist and marriage counselor4 ,lederer1 ,w4 ,j4 and ,jackson1 ,don ,d41 ,the ,mirages of ,marriage4 ,norton1 #aifh4 ,a challenging and unusual book on contemporary marriage4 ,mace1 ,d4 ,r41 ,success in ,marriage4 ,abingdon1 #aieh4 ,an easily read paperback on the areas of marital adjustment4 ,mace1 ,d4 ,r41 ,getting ,ready for ,marriage4 ,abingdon1 #aigb4 ,a practical guide for the couple preparing for marriage4 ,mace1 ,d4 ,r41 ,sexual ,difficulties in ,marriage4 ,fortress ,press1 #aigb4 ,a short and simple explanation of sexual inadequacy and the new approaches to its treatment4 ,mc,ginnes1 ,t41 ,your ,first ,year of ,marriage4 ,a very helpful guide for the recently married couple4 ,o',neill1 ,g4 and ,n41 ,the ,open ,marriage4 ,a best-seller on some of today's new concepts of marriage4 ,otto1 ,h41 ,more ,joy in ,your ,marriage4 ,cornerstone ,library #aifi4 ,a book full of practical ideas for increasing marital potential4 ,peterson1 ,j4 ,a41 ,married ,love in the ,middle ,years4 ,association ,press1 #aifh4 ,an excellent book on a neglected subject4 ,rubin1 ,t4 ,i41 ,the ,angry ,book1 ,macmillan1 #aifi4 ,samuel1 ,dorothy1 ,the ,fun and ,games of ,marriage4 ,word ,books1 #aigc4 ,thoughts on marriage as a depth relationship1 written by one of our ,quaker trainees4 ,smith1 ,g4 ,w4 and ,a4 ,i41 ,me and ,you and ,us4 ,wyden1 #aiga4 ,a book of exercises 7#dg in all7 for couples seeking marriage enrichment4 ,written by a couple who participated in one of our earliest retreats at ,kirkridge1 then went into the field as full-time family therapists4 ,west1 ,jessamyn1 ,love is ,not ,what ,you ,think4 ,harcourt1 ,brace1 #aiei4 ,written by a distinguished ,quaker novelist4