,,! ,,prodigal ,,returns  ,by  ,lilian  
,/aveley ,! ,au?or ( ,! ,gold5 ,f\nta9 &
 ,! ,romance ( ! ,s\l   ,london ,john   
,m4 ,watk9s #ba ,cecil ,c\rt1 ,*>+      
,cross ,road1 ,w4,c4 #b #aiba           
,,cont5ts  ,"p ,i4     #g ,"p ,,ii4     
#fc ,"p ,,iii4  #ha ,"p ,,iv4  #ajb ,"p 
,v4   #aea    ,,"p ,i  ,sun%9e & a g>d5 
pa? 4 4 4 fl[]s 4 4 4 ! face & neck &   
bosom ( ! nurse ^u ^: he>t ,i lay1 & h] 
voice tell+ me t %e mu/ leave me1 t we  
mu/ "p1 & imm$iately aft] angui%--blott+
 out ! sun%9e1 ! fl[]s1 ! face1 ! voice4
 ,?is is my fir/ recollection ( ,life--!
 pa9 ( love4 ,i 0 two ye>s old4  ,no?+ m
 = two ye>s--& !n ! picture ( a pond &  
my baby bro!r float+ on x1 :il/ )       
agonis$ h&s ,i seiz$ 8 small :ite coat &
 held him fa/4  ,& !n a mead[ full (    
long1 deep grass & summ] fl[]s1 &       
,i--indu/ri\sly pick+ butt]cups into a  
t9y petticoat to take to cook1 to make !
 butt] )1 ,i said4  ,& !n a table spread
 = tea4 ,our nurses1 my two bro!rs1 &   
myself4 ,angry words & scream+ baby     

voices1 a knife ?r[n by my little bro!r4
 ,rage & hate4  ,& !n a w$d+1 & ,i a    
bridesmaid1 ag$ five ye>s--! *ur*1 !    
alt>1 & great awe1 & aft]w>ds a long    
:ite table1 :ite fl[]s1 & a :ite ,bride4
 ,gr[n m5 on ei!r side ( me--smil+ly    
delightful1 tempt+ me ) sweets & cakes &
 w9e1 & a new /range int]e/ ris+ 9 me l 
a little flood ( exultation--! joy ( !  
_w1 & ! fir/ fa9t brea? ( ! my/]y ( sex4
  ,!n came w9t]s ( travel4 ,sun%9e &    
mimosa1 olive trees aga9/ an azure sky4 
,climb+ w9d+1 /ony pa?s betwe5 gre5     
t]races1 tulips & anemones & v9es2 :ite 
sunny walls & liz>ds2 gre5 frogs & deep 
wells fr+$ ar\nd ) maid5hair4 ,m\nta9s &
 a sea ( lapis blue1 & e>ly 9 ! morn+s f
 ?is lapis lake a great r$ sun w\ld rise
 ^u a sky ( molt5 gold4 ,9 ! rooms s ne>
 me 7 my d>l+ bro!rs1 f :om ,i (t5 _h to
 "p4 ,beauty & ,joy1 & ,love & ,pa9--^! 
made up life4  ,at t5 ,i twice n>r[ly   
escap$ dea?4 ,f ,p>is we 7 to take !    
second or lat] half ( ! tra9 to         
,m>seilles4 ,late ! night be=e my fa!r  

sudd5ly said1 ,i h *ang$ my m9d2 ,i feel
 we mu/ g by ! fir/ tra94 ,?is 0 ) "s   
difficulty arrang$4  ,on rea*+ an imm5se
 bridge across a deep rav9e ,i sudd5ly  
became acutely aw>e t ! bridge 0 ab\t to
 give way4 ,9 a t]rible /ate ( al>m ,i  
call$ out ?is fe>ful fact to my family4 
,i bur/ into te>s4 ,i suff]$ agonies4   
,my "m scold$ me1 & :5 we safely rea*$ !
 o!r side ( ! bridge ,i 0 sev]ely tak5  
to task = my behavi\r4 ,! bridge broke )
 ! next tra9 ov] x--! tra9 9 :i* we %\ld
 h be54 ,"s f\r hundr$ p p]i%$4 ,x 0 !  
mo/ t]rible railway disa/] t _h ev]     
occurr$ 9 ,france4  ,a few weeks lat]1  
dea? came ne>] /ill4 ,hav+ escap$ f our 
tutor1 ) a p>ty ( o!r *ildr5 we ran to  
two great res]voirs to fi% = frogs4     
,laugh+ & talk+ & full ( *ildi% joy1 we 
fi%$ !re = an h\r1 :5 all at once ,i 0  
impell$1 "u an extraord9>y s5se (       
pressure1 to call out1 ,if anyone falls 
into ! wat]1 no "o mu/ jump 9 to save   
!m1 b mu/ imm$iately run to ^? long     
/icks 7,i _h nev] notic$ !m until ,i    

spoke7 & draw "o out & hold x to :oev]  
has fall5 94 ,i spoke automatically1 &  
felt z mu* surpris$ z my companions t ,i
 %\ld speak ( su* a ?+4  ,)9 five m9utes
 ,i _h fall5 9 myself4 ,my bro!r        
rememb]$ my words1 b be=e he c\ld rea*  
me ) ! /ick ,i 0 "u ! wat] = ! ?ird &   
la/ "t4 ,x 0 all t !y c\ld d to drag my 
weight up to ! l$ge1 = ! wat] 0 a y>d   
bel[ x4 ,_h my bro!r jump$ 91 z he said 
he mo/ surely w\ld h done _h ,i n =ew>n$
 him1 we mu/ bo? h be5 dr[n$1 = !y w\ld 
h _h nei!r ! /r5g? nor ! "t to pull u   
bo? out alive4 ,i 0 n at all fright5$ or
 upset till ,i he>d someone say t ,i 0  
dead2 !n ,i wept--x 0 s sad to be dead6 
,! pressure put ^u me to speak z ,i did 
_h be5 s great t ,i h nev] =gott5 !     
/range impression ( x to ?is day4 ,on   
bo? ^! occasions ,i consid] t ,i 0 "u   
imm$iate ,div9e protection4  ,i believ$ 
e>ne/ly 9 ,god ) ! complete & peaceful  
fai? ( *ildhood4 ,i ?\ght ( ,him1 & 0   
afraid3 b m afraid ( a great ,angel :o  
/ood ) p5 & book 9 h& & wrote d[n all my

 s9s4 ,?is t]rible ,angel 0 a great     
reality to me4 ,i pray$ dilig5tly = ^?  
,i lov$4 ,sometimes ,i =got a "n3 !n ,i 
w\ld h to get out ( b$ & add x to my    
pray]4 ,z ,i grew old]1 if ! wea!r 7    
cold ,i did n pray ^u ! floor b f my b$1
 because x 0 m com=table4 ,i 0 n always 
sure if ?is 7 q "r1 b ,i c\ld n         
conc5trate my m9d on ,god if my body 0  
cold1 because !n ,i c\ld n =get my body4
  ,i saw ,god v pla9ly :5 ,i %ut my     
eyes6 ,he 0 a ,:ite ,figure 9 :ite robes
 on a :ite ?rone1 among/ ! cl\ds4 ,he   
he>d my pray]s z easily z ,i saw ,8     
robes4 ,he 0 by no means v f> away1 ?\gh
 sometimes ,he 0 fur!r ?an at o!rs4 ,he 
took ! tr\ble to make ev]y?+ v          
beautiful3 & ,he c\ld n be> s9ful       
*ildr54 ,! ,angel ) ! ,book read out to 
,him my faults 9 ! ev5+s4  ,:5 ,i 0     
twelve ye>s old my gr&mo!r di$1 & = ?ree
 mon?s ,i 0 9 real grief4 ,all day ,i   
m\rn$ = h]1 & at night ,i look$ out at !
 />s1 & ! t]rible my/]y ( dea? & space &
 lonel9ess /ruck at my *ildi% he>t4     

,aft] ?irte5 ,i c\ld no long] be tak5   
abroad to hotels1 = my p>5ts consid]$ t 
,i receiv$ too mu* att5tion1 too _m     
pres5ts1 too _m *ocolates f m54 ,i 0    
educat$ by a gov]ness1 & 0 (t5 v lonely4
 ,my bro!rs w\ld come back f s*ool2 !n  
,i ov]fl[$ ) happ9ess & sang all day    
long 9 my he>t ) joy4 ,! la/ night ( !  
holidays 0 a "t ( angui%4 ,up/airs !    
clo!s 7 pack$4 ,d[n/airs ,i help$ !m    
pack ! play-boxes1 squ>e deal boxes at  
sight ( :i* te>s sprang to my eyes & a  
dreadful pa9 gripp$ my he>t4 ,oh1 ! pa9 
( love at p>t+6 !re nev] 0 a pa9 s      
t]rible z suff]+ love4 ,! la/ meal3 !   
la/ h\r3 ! la/ look4 ,!re are natures   
:i* feel ?is angui% m ?an o!rs4 ,we are 
n all alike4  ,i _h be5 passionately    
fond ( dolls4 ,n[ ,i 0 too old = su*    
companions1 & :5 my bro!rs w5t away ,i 0
 completely alone ) my gov]ness & my    
lessons4 ,i fell into ! habit ( dream+4 
,9 ^! dreams ,i evolv$ a companion :o 0 
at ! same "t myself--& yet n an ord9>y  
little girl l myself1 b a m>vell\s      

creature ( unlimit$ possibilities &     
virtues4 ,%e ev5 _h w+s & flew ) su*    
ease f ! tops ( ! highe/ build+s1 &     
float$ s delightfully ov] my fav\rite   
fields & brooks t ,i f\nd x h>d to      
believe t ,i myself did n actually fly4 
,:at glori\s ?+s we did toge!r1 :at     
c\rage we _h1 no?+ daunt$ u6 ,i c>$ v   
little to read books ( adv5ture1 = our  
own adv5tures 7 m wond]ful ?an any?+ ,i 
ev] read4  ,n only _h ,i w+s1 b :5 ,i 0 
my o!r self ,i 0 extremely good1 & !    
,angel ) ! ,book 0 !n nev] able to make 
a s+le adv]se record ( me4 ,& !n h[ easy
 x 0 to be good3 h[ delightful1 no      
difficulties :atev]6 ,z we bo? grew old]
 ! actual w+s 7 fold$ up & put away4 ,! 
virtues rema9$1 b we l$ an int5sely     
int]e/+ life1 & a c]ta9 high /&>d ( life
 0 evolv$ :i* 0 aft]w>ds useful to me4  
,:51 lat] on1 ,i grew up & my p>5ts     
all[$ me to h z _m fri5ds z ,i want$1 & 
:5 ,i became exce$+ly gay1 ,i /ill      
reta9$ ! habit ( ?is d\ble exi/5ce2 x   
rema9$ ) me ev5 aft] my m>riage & kept  

me out ( mis*ief4 ,if ,i f\nd myself    
tempor>ily dull or 9 "s place ,i did n  
c>e =1 clo!d 9 ! body ( my d\ble1 l !   
w9d1 ,i w5t :]e ,i li/$4 ,i w\ld g to   
balls & p>ties1 or ) equal ease visit ! 
m\nta9s & wat* ! sunset or ! incomp>able
 beauties ( dawn1 mak+ delicate         
excursions into ! /range1 ! wond]ful1 & 
! sublime4 ,i ga!r$ cry/al fl[]s 9      
invisible worlds1 & ! sc5t ( ^? fl[]s 0 
,romance4  ,all ?is vivid imag9ation    
sometimes made my m9d ov]-active3 ,i    
c\ld n sleep4 ,c\nt %eep jump+ ov] a    
hurdle1 ,i 0 advis$4 ,b x did n answ]4  
,i f\nd ! mo/ effective way 0 to ?9k    
s]i\sly ( my wor/ s9s--my m9d imm$iately
 sl[$ d[n1 became a discreet blank--,i  
slept6  ,i grew tall & heal?y4 ,at      
sixte5 ,i receiv$ my fir/ (f] ( m>riage 
& ) x my fir/ vision ( ! love & passion 
( m54 ,i recoil$ f x ) great %yness &   
av]sion4 ,yet ,i became deeply int]e/$ 9
 m51 & rema9$ s = v _m ye>s4 ,f t "t on 
,i nev] 0 )\t a lov] till my m>riage4   
,,ii  ,at sev5te5 my lessons came to an 

end4 ,i _h n le>nt mu*1 b ,i c\ld speak 
f\r languages ) great flu5cy4 ,i le>nt  
p]haps m f li/5+ to ! conv]sation ( my  
fa!r & 8 fri5ds4 ,he _h always be5 a man
 ( leisure & 0 acqua9t$ ) _m ( ! int]e/+
 & celebrat$ p ( ! day1 bo? 9 ,engl& &  
on ! ,cont95t4 ,i 0 devot$ to him1 &    
:5ev] he guid$ my "* he did s ) !       
greate/ judgm5t4 ,he taught me above all
 ?+s ! ne$ ( self-control1 & nev] to    
make a rem>k ( a fell[-creature unless  
,i _h some?+ pleasant or k9d to say4    
,!re 0 no subject ^u :i* he 0 unread2 & 
:5 my bro!rs1 :o 7 bo? exce$+ly clev]1  
return$ f college & ! ,univ]sity1       
wond]ful & brilliant 7 ! discussions t  
w5t on4 ,bo? my p>5ts 7 ( ,hugu5ot      
desc5t1 belong+ to ! old ,fr5* noblesse4
 ,i ?9k ! ,lat9 blood _h %>p5$ _! bra9s1
 & c]ta9ly gave an extra ze/ to life4   
,my fa!r 0 a great believ] 9 h]$ity1 & !
 foll[+ p]sonal exp]i5ce may %[ him     
some:at ju/ifi$ 9 8 belief4 ,9 q e>ly   
*ildhood ,i comm5c$ to feel a pref]5ce =
 ! left side ( my body3 ,i wa%$1 dri$1 &

 dress$ ! left side fir/2 ,i pres]v$ x  
c>efully f all h>m2 ,i kept x w>m4 ,i 01
 comp>atively speak+1 totally indiff]5t 
to my "r side4  ,z ,i grew old] ,i      
obs]v$ t ! place ( hon\r 0 ^u ! "r-h&   
side3 ,i und]/ood t ,god _h made ! _w & 
rul$ x ) ,8 "r h&6 ,i 0 wrong1 !n1 9    
pref]r+ my left h&4 ,i det]m9$ to *ange 
ov]4 ,x 0 v difficult to d3 s deep 0 !  
in/9ct t x took me "s ye>s to eradicate 
! love = my left side & transf] x to my 
"r1 & :5 ,i _h at la/ accompli%$ x ,i 0 
/ill liable to g back to my fir/        
pref]5ce4 ,no "o ev] detect$ my         
peculi>ity4   ,i 0 already eighte5 or   
n9ete5 ye>s old :5 "o day ,i ent]$ my   
fa!r's room1 ready dress$ to g out4 ,i  
_h on bo? my gloves4 ,sudd5ly ,i        
rememb]$ t ,i _h put on my left glove   
fir/4 ,imm$iately ,i took (f bo? my     
gloves--!n ,i replac$ ! "r "o1 & !n !   
left4 ,my fa!r 0 wat*+ me & ask$ me = an
 explanation4 ,i gave x him1 & he look$ 
v grave1 almo/ al>m$4 ,aft] a mom5t (   
sil5ce he said1 ,i want y to give t     

habit up--,i want y to break y\rself ( x
 imm$iately4 ,i _h x myself z a y\?3 x  
took me ye>s to conqu]4 ,no "o %\ld     
p]mit himself to be ! slave ( any habit4
  ,i ask$ him :i* side he _h lov$4 ,!   
left side1 he said4 ,at five-&-tw5ty he 
_h conqu]$ ! habit1 & ,i 0 n born till  
he 0 almo/ sixty-"o6 yet ,i _h inh]it$  
x4 ,we nev] ref]r$ to x aga91 & 9 two   
ye>s ,i1 also1 _h conqu]$ x4  ,we sp5t !
 w9t] ( ! ye> 9 :i* ,i 0 sev5te5 9      
,italy1 to :i* c\ntry a ne> relative 0  
,ambassador1 & !re ,i w5t to my fir/    
ball4 ,t night--& h[ (t5 aft]w>ds6--,i  
knew ! surg+ exultation1 ! intoxication 
( ! joy ( life4 ,h[ (t5 9 social life1 9
 brilliant sc5es ( light & laught]1     
music & love1 ,i seem$ to ride on ! cre/
 ( a wave1 9 ! m>vell\s glam\r ( y\?6   
,?is love ( ! _w & ( social life 0 a v  
/rong feel+ = _m ye>s3 at ! same "t &   
runn+1 z x 71 9 d\ble h>ness ) x 0 a    
necessity = solitude4 ,my m9d           
imp]atively dem&$ ?is1 & inde$ my he>t  
too4  ,x 0 dur+ ?is ye> t ,i fir/       

comm5c$ a new =m ( m5tal pleasure ?r\gh 
look+ at ! beautiful 9 ,nature4 ,n only 
solitude1 b total sil5ce 0 necess>y =   
?is pa/ime1 &1 if possible1 beauty & a  
di/ant view3 fail+ a view ,i c\ld       
accompli% x by means ( ! beauties ( !   
sky4 ,?is =m ( m5tal pleasure 0 ! exact 
opposite ( my previ\s dream+s1 = all    
imag9ation absolutely ceas$1 all =ms1   
all pictures1 all activities            
disappe>$--! v sc5e at :i* ,i look$ _h  
to vani% be=e ,i c\ld "k ! pleasure (   
?is occupation 9 :i*1 9 "s my/]i\s      
mann]1 ,i inhal$ ! v ess5ce ( !         
,beautiful4  ,at fir/ ,i 0 only able to 
rema9 9 ?is condition = a few mom5ts at 
a "t1 b t satisfi$ me--or1 r1 did n     
satisfy me1 = ?r\gh x all ran a /range  
unacc\ntable angui%--a pa9 ( long+--:i*1
 l a high1 f9e1 tremul\s n]ve1 ran ?r\gh
 ! joy4 ,:at induc$ me to pursue ?is    
habit1 ,i nev] ask$ myself4 ,t x 0 a =m 
( ! _s's /ruggle t[>ds ! ,et]nal--( !   
s\l's great que/ ( ,god--nev] occurr$ to
 me4 ,i 0 wor%ipp+ ! ,beautiful )\t giv+

 suffici5t ?\ght to ,him f ,:om all     
beauty proce$s4 ,half a lifetime 0 to g 
by be=e ,i realis$ to :at ?is habit 0   
lead+ me--t x 0 ! fir/ /ep t[>ds !      
acquirem5t ( t mo/ exquisite ( all      
bless+s--! gift ( ! ,contemplation (    
,god4 ,ah1 if anyone kn[s 9 8 he>t !    
call ( ! ,beautiful1 let him use x t[>ds
 ?is glori\s end6 ,love1 & !            
,beautiful--^! are ! tw9 gold5 pa?s t   
lead u all to ,god4  ,,iii  ,c]ta9ly we 
7 n a religi\s family4 ,"o att5dance at 
*ur* ^u ,sunday--if x did n ra96--&     
occasionally ! ,communion1 ?is 0 ! ext5t
 ( any outw>d religi\s feel+4 ,b my     
fa!r's daily life & acts 7 full (       
,*ri/ianity4 ,a man ( a naturally       
some:at viol5t temp]1 he _h s br\ght    
himself "u control t t[>ds ev]yone1 high
 & l[1 he _h become all t 0 sweet &     
pati5t1 sympa!tic & g5tle4  ,ab\t ?is "t
 a dev\r+ curiosity = k comm5c$ to      
possess me4 ,:at 0 ! tru?--:at 0 ! tru? 
ab\t e s+le ?+ ,i saw8 ,a/ronomy1       
,biology1 ,geology--9 ^! ?+s ,i discov]$

 a new & m>vell\s int]e/3 "h at la/ ,i  
f\nd my natural b5t4 ,hi/ory _h small   
attraction = me3 x spoke ( ! do+s ( p   
mo/ly va9 or cruel1 & untru?ful4 ,i     
want$ tru?--irrefutable facts6 ,no      
sci5tific "w seem$ too difficult = me2 b
 ,i nev]1 !n or lat]1 read any?+ ^u !   
subject ( religion1 philosophy1 or      
psy*ology4 ,i _h a heal?y1 :olesome "y  
intellig5ce ) a voraci\s appetite3 x    
w\ld c>ry me a long way1 ,i ?\ght4 ,x   
did--x l&$ me 9 ,a!ism4  ,to a woman    
,a!ism is intol]able pa93 h] v nature1  
lov+1 t5d]1 s5sitive1 cl++1 dem&s belief
 9 ,god4 ,! high moral /&>d dem&$ ( h]  
is impossible ( fulfilm5t = m]e reasons 
( race-welf>e4 ,! p]sonal reason1 !     
,p]sonal ,god--^! are ess5tial to high  
virtue4 ,"y z ,i 01 ,i realis$ ?is4     
,outw>dly ,i 0 frivol\s2 inw>dly ,i 0 no
 butt]fly1 ! deep ?+s ( my nature 7 by  
no means unkn[n to me4 ,i n only became 
pr(\ndly unre/ful at he>t b ,i 0 fe>ful 
= myself1 & ( :]e /rong =ces ( :i* ,i   
felt ! pull might lead me4 ,i _h great  

p[] ov] ! emotions ( m53 moreov]1       
int]e/s & in/9cts )9 me correspond$ to  
?is dang]\s capacity4 ,i felt t ! _w    
held _m /range fires3 "s holy &         
beautiful2 "s f> o!rwise4  ,)\t ,god ,i 
knew myself incapable ( ov]com+ ! evil (
 ! _w1 or ev5 ( my own petty nature &   
entanglem5ts4 ,i despair$1 = ,i p]ceiv$ 
t ,god does n reveal ,himself because ( 
an imp]i\s dem& ( ! human m9d1 & ,i _h  
yet to le>n t ^? my/]ies :i* are "u lock
 & key to ! intellig5ce are op5 to !    
he>t & s\l4 ,b inde$ !re 0 no ,god to   
reveal ,himself4 ,all 0 a fanta/ic      
make-believe6 a pitiful *ildi% inv5tion 
& illusion6  ,my intellig5ce said1      
,resign y\rself to :at is1 aft] all1 !  
tru?3 console y\rself ) ! _w & mat]ial  
a*ievem5ts4 ,! he>t said1 ,resignation  
is impossible1 = !re is no consolation  
to ! he>t )\t ,god4 ,i li/5$ to my he>t 
r ?an my intellig5ce1 & = two t]rible   
ye>s ,i f\ght = fai?4 ,i 0 always       
res]v$1 & nev] admitt$ anyone into !    
deep ?+s ( my life--b :5 ,i 0 tw5ty my  

fa!r p]ceiv$ t ,i 0 go+ ?r\gh "s inw>d  
crisis4 ,he knew ! books t ,i read1 &   
probably guess$ :at _h happ5$ to me4 ,at
 any rate he call$ me into 8 room "o day
 & ask$ me1 out ( love & ob$i5ce to     
himself1 to give up read+ all sci5ce4   
,?is 0 an ov]:elm+ bl[ to me3 yet ,i    
lov$ him de>ly1 & _h nev] disobey$ him 9
 my life4 ,aga9 ,i let my he>t speak2 & 
,i sacrific$ my m9d & my books4  ,i ?rew
 myself n[ m ?an ev] into social        
amusem5ts1 & 9 my solit>y h\rs s\ght    
consolation 9 my dream-life4 ,i 0 afraid
 to turn to ! love ( ,nature--to my     
beautiful pa/ime1--= ! pa9 9 x 0        
unbe>able4  ,t[>ds ! end ( two ye>s my  
/ruggles = fai? comm5c$ to f9d a rew>d4 
,little by little a fa9t hope crept into
 my m9d--fragile1 (t5 imp]ceptible4 ,a  
que/ion+ rem>k made by my y\ng] bro!r   
help$ me3 ,if human life is entirely    
mat]ial & a "p ( ,nature only1 !n :at   
becomes ( human ?\ghts & aspirations8   
,sci5ce _h prov$ to me t no?+ is lo/--b 
has a de/9y--9 t x evolves into ano!r =m

 or condition ( activity4 ,evolution6 ) 
its _m seem+ contradictions to          
,religion--might x n be m]ely a /rong   
light1 too /rong z yet = my weak m9d1   
bl9d+ me into tempor>y d>kness8 ,:at    
rais$ ,man above ! bea/s b 8 ?\ghts &   
aspirations2 & if ev5 a gra9 ( du/ 7    
imp]i%able1 7 ^! ?\ghts & aspirations ( 
,man alone to end 9 no?+--to be lo/6 ,x 
0 b a reasonable inf]5ce to say ,no4 ,^!
 invisible ?\ghts & aspirations h also a
 future--a de/9y 9 a1 to u1 /ill        
invisible _w--9 ! ,life ( ! ,_s4 ,to ?is
 my m9d 0 able to agree4 ,x 0 a /ep4 ,9 
! realm ( ,ideal ,?\ght ,i might f9d    
aga9 my ,fai?4 ,i _h inde$ be5 fooli% to
 suppose t a sy/em :i* provid$ = !      
cont9uation ( a gra9 ( s& %\ld ov]look !
 ,_s ( ,man4 ,?is 0 presuppos+ ! exi/5ce
 ( a _s 9 ,man2 b :o c\ld be f\nd to    
truly & reasonably hold t ! my/]i\s high
 & so>+ ?\ghts ( ,man 7 "o & ! same ?+ z
 m]e animalism8 !y 7 too obvi\sly (     
ano!r nature to ! m]ely bov9e1 to !     
solids ( ! fle%3 = "o ?+1 !y 7 free ( ! 

law ( gravity :i* s entirely ov]rules ! 
re/ ( ,nature--!y mu/ !re=e come to _!  
de/9y 9 ano!r _w1 ano!r condition (     
consci\sness4  ,,iv  ,t w9t] we aga9    
sp5t 9 ,italy1 9 cont9u\s gaiety among/ 
a brilliant cosmopolitan _w ( m5 & wom5 
:o = ! mo/ "p liv$ 9 palaces1 surr\nd$ )
 art & luxury4 ,"h 9 ,rome on e side 0  
to be f\nd ! ,cult ( ! ,beautiful4      
,wond]ful temples1 gems ( classical     
sculpture1 ma/]pieces ( col\r 9 oil &   
fresco--! g5ius & ! aspirations ( m5    
r5d]$ p]man5t = u by ,art2 b ! ,temples1
 ^? sil5t emblems ( man's wor%ip ( an   
,unkn[n ,god1 ) _! surr\nd+s ( lovely   
nature1 affect$ me f> ! mo/ deeply3     
inde$1 ,i d n pret5d t sculptures &     
pictures affect$ me at all4 ,i 0        
int]e/$1 ,i greatly admir$--!y 7 a "p ( 
education1 b t 0 all4 ,b 9 ! vic9ity (  
^? ,temples :at /range e*oes awoke 9 me1
 :at my/]i\s sadness & long+1 :at a     
my/]y ( pa96 ,some?+ )9 me sigh$ & moan$
 = ,god4 ,if ,i c\ld b f9d ,him--if ,i  
c\ld ev5 truly ,believe & be at peace6  

,b already ,i _h comm5c$ to ,believe4   
,dur+ ! late w9t] we w5t to "o ( ! great
 c]emonies at ! ,vatican3 we _h seats 9 
! ,si/9e ,*apel4 ,x 0 an especial       
occasion1 & ! numb] ( p]sons pres5t 0   
beyond all seat+ accommodation4 ,to make
 way = someone ( importance ,i 0 ask$ to
 give up my seat & g outside into ! body
 ( ! great ,ca!dral2 "h ,i 0 hurri$ly   
pu%$ into ! second r[ ( a huge conc\rse 
( wait+ & /&+ p4 ,already 9 ! di/ance ! 
,pope 0 approa*+4 ,lift$ high 9 8 *air  
on ! %\ld]s ( 8 be>]s1 he came sl[ly    
along 9 8 :ite robes1 8 h& rais$ 9 a    
g5]al bless+ ^u all ?is multitude4 ,z he
 came ne>] ,i saw ! delicate ivory      
face--! great d>k eyes %9+ ) a fire ,i  
_h nev] se5 be=e4 ,= ! fir/ "t 9 my life
 ,i saw hol9ess4 ,i 0 mov$ to ! dep?s ( 
my be+4 ,some?+ 9 my gaze arre/$ 8      
att5tion2 he _h 8 *air /opp$ imm$iately 
above me1 &1 lean+ ov] me1 he bless$ me 
individually--a v great concession dur+ 
a l>ge public c]emony4 ,i ought to h    
gone d[n on my knees--b ,i _h no knees6 

,i no long] _h a body6 ,!re 0 no long]  
any?+ any:]e 9 ! _w b ,hol9ess--& my    
enraptur$ s\l4  ,hol9ess1 !n1 0 f>      
beyond ! ,beautiful4 ,i _h n kn[n ?is   
till ,i saw x be=e me4  ,life hurri$ me 
on3 gl[+ h\rs & mon?s succe$$ ea* o!r4  
,9 ! autumn ,i fell 9 love4 ,i came to !
 consci\sness ( ?is1 n gradually1 b all 
9 "o in/ant4 ,i _h no *ance ( draw+     
back1 = x 0 already fully complet$ be=e 
,i realis$ x4 ,i came to ! realisation (
 x ?r\gh a dream 7sleep-dreams 7 always 
exce$+ly r>e ) me73 on ?is occasion ,i  
dream$ a fri5d %[$ me ! picture ( a girl
 to :om %e said ?is lov] 7he _h be5 my  
lov] = a ye>7 0 engag$4 ,i awoke1 sobb+ 
) angui%4 ,i c\ld n disguise f myself ! 
fact t ,i mu/ be 9 love4 ,:5 ! "t came  
to speak ( x to my p>5ts1 my "m w\ld n  
he> ( ! m>riage--!re 0 no money3 ,i mu/ 
make ano!r *oice4 ,two brilliant        
opportunities (f]$                      
!mselves--money--position2 b ,i c\ld n  
br+ myself to ?9k ( ei!r4 ,love 0       
ev]y?+3 a prolong$ secret engagem5t     

foll[$4 ,i w5t into ,society j z be=e4  
,at ?is "t an aptitude = =tune-tell+ %[$
 itself3 x amus$ my fri5ds--,i told     
=tunes bo? by palmi/ry1 :i* ,i /udi$ q  
s]i\sly1 & by c>ds4 ,) bo? ,i w5t l>gely
 by inspiration4 ,i f\nd ?is inspiration
 v>i$ ) ! individual4 ,!re 7 _m p]sons  
to :om ,i c\ld give ! mo/ extraord9>ily 
accurate details ( pa/1 pres5t1 &       
future2 o!rs mod]ately s2 o!rs 7 a total
 blank1 9 :i* case ,i ei!r _h to rema9  
sil5t or try to make up4 ,i got su* a   
reputation = ?is--,i 0 s s\ght aft] = x 
by ev5 total /rang]s--t 9 a c\ple ( ye>s
 ,i pu%$ x all f> away f me z an        
intol]able nuisance4  ,v  ,! ,fai? t _h 
be5 gr[+ up 9 me 0 ( a v diff]5t =m f t 
:i* ,i _h _h be=e3 wid]1 pur]1 inf9itely
 m p[]ful1 &1 ?\gh ,i did n l to rememb]
 ! pa9 ( !m1 ,i felt t ^? /ruggl+ ye>s (
 d\bt & negation _h be5 wor? :ile--)\t  
^? /ruggles ,i felt ,i nev] c\ld h _h s 
p[]ful a fai? z ,i n[ _h4 ,god 0 at an  
indef9ite & inf9ite di/ance1 b ,8       
,exi/5ce 0 a ?+ ( complete c]ta9ty = me4

  ,( ! mode & means ( ,connection ) ,him
 ,i _h no smalle/ k or ev5 conception4  
,i address$ ,him ) words f ! bra9 & !   
lips4 ,an insup]able wall p]petually    
sep>at$ me f ,him4  ,n[ my fa!r became  
ill ) he>t tr\ble4 ,doctors1 nurses1 all
 ! dread$ p>aph]nalia ( sickness p]vad$ 
! h\se4 ,dur+ two t]rible ye>s he l+]$  
on4 ,he>t-brok5 at ! sight ( 8 suff]+s1 
,i h>dly left 8 b$side4 ,f9ally dea?    
releas$ him4 ,b my heal?1 :i* _h always 
be5 good1 0 n[ completely brok5 d[n2 ,i 
became a semi-invalid1 always suff]+1   
too delicate to m>ry4 ,"u pressure ( ?is
 cont9u$ wret*$ness ,i sank into a      
n]veless condition ( m]e dumb           
endurance--a passive acceptance ( !     
mis]ies ( life z will$ by ,god1 ,i      
assur$ myself4  ,i ent]$ a /agnant /ate 
( m]e resignation1 :]eas accompany+ !   
resignation !re %\ld h be5 a =w>d-pi]c+ 
endeav\r to rea* out & atta9 a high]    
spiritual level ?r\gh ,jesus ,*ri/3 a   
p]si/5t ef=t to light my lamp at !      
,spiritual ,flame to :i* ea* mu/ br+ 8  

own lamp1 = x is n lit = him by ! m]e   
outw>d c]emony ( ,baptism--t c]emony is 
b ! ,invitation to come to ! ,light3 =  
ea* "o individually1 9 full consci\sness
 ( desire1 t light+ mu/ be obta9$ f !   
,savi\r4 ,i _h n obta9$ ?is light4 ,i   
did n compreh5d t x 0 necess>y4 ,i      
und]/ood no?+2 ,i 0 a spiritual savage4 
,vague1 mis]able ?\ghts1 gloomy         
self-introspections1 m]ely fatigue !    
vitality )\t assi/+ ! s\l4 ,:at is      
requir$ is a p]si/5t endeav\r to e/abli%
 an inw>dly felt relation%ip fir/ to !  
,man ,jesus4 ,8 ,p]sonality1 ,8         
,*>act]i/ics are to be drawn into !     
secret places ( ! he>t by means ( !     
natural sympa?y :i* plays betwe5 two    
he>ts t bo? "k love & suff]+1 & hope &  
dejection4 ,sympa?y e/abli%$--love w    
soon foll[4 ,lat]1 an iron en]gy to     
ov]come w be requir$4 ,! supreme        
necessity ( ! s\l be=e be+ fill$ ) love 
is to ma9ta9 ! w ( ! :ole spiritual be+ 
9 con=mity ) ! ,w ( ,god4 ,9 ! a*ievem5t
 ( ?is %e is "u incessant assi/ance3 9  

fact ev]y?+ 9 ! spiritual life is a     
gift--z 9 ! physical3 = :o c produce 8  
own sight or 8 own gr[?8 ,9 ! physical  
^! are automatic--9 ! spiritual !y are  
accompli%$ only1 z x 71 by reque/1 & ?is
 reque/ a deep all-p]vad+ desire4  ,we  
_c ( our own w climb ! spiritual        
heights1 nei!r c we climb !m )\t us+ our
 w4 ,x is ,w fl[+ t[>ds ,w :i* c>ries u 
by ! p[] ( ,jesus ,*ri/ to ! ,goal4     
,,vi  ,) recov]$ heal?1 ,i m>ri$1 & knew
 great happ9ess2 b z a bride ( f\r mon?s
 ,i _h to "p f my husb&1 :o w5t to !    
,s\? ,african ,w>4 ,always1 always ?is  
t]rible pa9 ( love t mu/ "p4 ,always x 0
 love t seem$ to me ! mo/ beautiful ?+ 9
 life1 & always x 0 love t hurt me mo/4 
,he 0 away = fifte5 mon?s4 ,i made no   
spiritual advance :atev]4 ,my/ifi$ by s 
mu* pa91 ,i n[ began to reg>d ,god if n 
z ! actual ,au?or ( all pa91 at any rate
 z ! ,p]mitt] ( all pa94 ,m & m ,i fell 
back 9 al>m at ! discov]y ( ! dep?s ( my
 own capacities = suff]+4 ,a trem5d\s   
fe> ( ,god n[ comm5c$ to gr[ up 9 me1   

:i* s increas$ t aft] a few ye>s ,i     
li/5$ ) a/oni%m5t :5 ,i he>d p say !y 7 
afraid ( any p]son1 ev5 a burgl>6 ,i    
c\ld no long] und]/& feel+ fe> = anyone 
or any?+ save ,god4 ,all my actions 7 n[
 gov]n$ solely by ?is s5se ( weighty1   
imm$iate fe> ( ,him4 ,?is cont9u$ = "s  
t5 ye>s4  ,:5 my husb& at la/ return$ f 
! ,w> we took up aga9 our happy m>ri$   
life1 & we liv$ toge!r )\t a cross ^w1 9
 a wond]ful _w ( our own1 z lov]s d4 ,x 
0 rem>kable t we 7 s happy1 = we _h no  
int]e/s 9 common4 ,my husb& lov$ all    
sports & all games1 :]eas int]e/ 9 ^?   
?+s 0 frankly incompreh5sible to me4 ,9 
! w9t]1 :5 he 0 out 9 ! hunt+-field1 ,i 
sp5t mu* "t by myself2 b ,i 0 nev] dull1
 = ,i c\ld walk out among/ ,nature &    
indulge 9 my pa/ime1 if ! wea!r 7 f9e3 &
 if n1 ,i c\ld obs]ve & admire ev]y?+ t 
grew & liv$ close at h& 9 ! h$g][s &    
fields1 & ,i w\ld "w = h\rs ) my ne$le1 
= !n ,i c\ld ?9k2 ,i work$ h>d 9 ! g>d54
   ,a dreadful "q n[ (t5 pres5t$ itself 
to me3 ,_h ,i really a s\l at all1 or 0 

,i m]ely a pass+ %ad[1 "h mom5t>ily =   
,god's amusem5t8 ,if ,i _h an et]nal    
s\l1 :]e did x live--9 my head ) my bra9
 z a high] "p ( my m9d8  ,m5 _h s\ls1 ,i
 0 sure ( t2 & !y ass]t$ ! possession ( 
!m v positively--b wom58 ,i und]/ood    
,mahom$ grudg+ly grant$ !m a half-s\l1 &
 t only conditionally4 ,scriptures spoke
 h>%ly ( wom52 ,paul 0 bitt] aga9/ !m2  
all ! s9s & tr\bles ( ! _w 7 laid ^u _! 
delicate & beautiful %\ld]s4 ,9         
,revelation ,i f\nd no m5tion :atev] (  
,woman 9 ! life ( ! ,resurrection4  ,all
 ?is hurt me4 ,:at pr(\nd inju/ice--to  
suff] s mu* & to receive no recognition 
:atev] :il/ m5 walk$ (f ) all ! joys    
aft] lead+ v que/ionable lives6 ,:y     
cont9ue to /ruggle to please ,god :5 ,8 
int]e/ 9 me w\ld s soon be ov]8 ,i w5t  
?r\gh v real & great spiritual suff]+s1 
& temptations to ?r[ myself aga9 solely 
into _w-int]e/s1 to console myself ) !  
"h & n[1 = ,i _h ! means3 x 0 all to my 
h&4 ,i sway$ to & fro3 at "o "t ,i felt 
v h>d t[>ds ,god1 t]ribly hurt by ?is   

love-betrayal4 ,b :5 ,i look$ at !      
beauties ( ,nature & ! glories ( t      
endless sky1 ah1 my he>t melt$ )        
t5d]ness & admiration = ! m>vell\s ,mak]
 ( x all4 ,truly1 ,he 0 wor?y ( any     
sacrifice ^u my "p4 ,if my poor1 t9y1   
suff]+ life af=d$ ,him amusem5t1 ,i 0   
will+ to h x s4 ,aft] all--= :at wret*$1
 ugly1 & mis]able m5 wom5 frequ5tly     
sacrific$ !mselves )\t gett+ any o!r    
rew>d = x ?an neglect & indiff]5ce4 ,h[ 
mu* bett] to sacrifice oneself to !     
,all-,p]fect1 ,all-,beautiful ,god6  ,i 
f9ally resign$ myself entirely &        
completely to ?is po9t ( view1 &1 hav+  
done s1 ,i ?us address$1 9 all rev]5ce &
 e>ne/ness1 ! ,deity3--  ,almighty ,god1
 if x is ,?y ,w to blot out ,woman f    
,p>adise ,i mo/ humbly assure ,!e (     
?is--,man w miss h] sorely2 & ,?\       
,?yself1 ,almighty ,god1 :5 ,?\ do/     
visit ,p>adise1 wilt miss h] also6      
,aft] ?is ,i seldom said any private    
pray]s1 = ,i 0 n ( ! ,acceptable ,sex4  
,b ,i paid a public respect to ,god 9 ! 

*ur*1 :]e ,i wor%ipp$ ,him ) pr(\nd     
rev]5ce & great sadness4 ,b ,i ?\ght (  
,him 9 my he>t con/antly1 ) all ^? t5d]1
 lov+1 long+ ?\ghts :i* are ! he>t's    
b\quet held out to ,god4  ,happ9ess =   
me1 !n1 mu/ be f\nd entirely 9 ?is _w1 &
 ,i f\nd x 9 my love = my husb&4        
,happ9ess 0 t :i* ! :ole _w 0 look+ =2 b
 ,i c\ld n fail to notice m & m !       
ridicul\s picture pres5t$ by ,society 9 
its pret5ces ( be+ ! means ( f9d+ ?is   
happ9ess4 ,none ( its ard5t devotees 7  
happy p2 !y 7 excit$1 egoti/ical1       
int5sely va9 & selfi%1 (t5 bitt] &      
disappo9t$1 fill$ ) a demon (           
competition1 jeal\s1 & full ( empty1    
ins9c]e smiles4 ,i p]ceiv$ ! *agr9s f   
:i* !y secretly suff]$--! te>s beh9d !  
laught]4 ,i 0 n 9 ! lea/ deceiv$ or     
impress$ by any ( !m1 b wond]$ h[ !y    
manag$ to hang toge!r & deceive ea* o!r4
 ,m & m ,i look$ = purely m5tal         
pleasures4 ,m9d 0 ev]y?+4 ,i n[ began to
 despise my body--,i almo/ hat$ x z an  
incubus6 ,social successes or failures  

grew to be a matt] ( complete indiff]5ce
 to me1 & social life resolv$ itself    
into be+ solely ! means ( br++ m9d into 
contact ) m9d4 ,! "q ( fa%ionable       
environm5t ceas$ to exi/ = me1 b ! "q ( 
h[ & :]e to meet ) ?9k+ m9ds 0 :at      
conc]n$ me3 x 0 n an easy "o to solve 9 
! usual conditions ( c\ntry life1 ) its 
sports & its human-animal int]e/s4      
,f9ally1 total m5tal solitude clos$     
ar\nd me4 ,9 spite ( my d\bt z to !     
exi/5ce ( a woman-s\l1 ,i /ill felt !   
same pi]c+ desire & ne$ = ,god--!       
acquisition ( k 9 no way less5$ ?is pa94
 ,:at1 aft] all1 is k by itself8 ,!     
light ( ! highe/ human intellig5ce seems
 h>dly great] ?an ! wan lamp ( a        
dim9utive gl[-worm1 surr\nd$ by !       
va/ness ( ! night4 ,9 sorr[1 9 tr\ble1 9
 pa91 c\ld k or ! m9d d s mu* m = me ?an
 ! despis$ body8 ,no1 some?+ m ?an !    
intellig5ce 0 ne$$ to give life any s5se
 ( adequacy3 ev5 human love 0           
insuffici5t4 ,god ,himself 0 ne$$1 & !  
ev]-recurr+ necessity w\ld =ce itself ^u

 me ( ! ne$ = a p]sonal direct          
connection ) ,god4  ,i cont9u$ to f9d x 
utt]ly impossible to a*ieve ?is4 ,m]e   
fai? by no means fulfill$ my            
requirem5ts4 ,god1 !n1 rema9$           
inaccessible--! m9d fell back f e       
attempt to rea* ,him4 ,he 0 unkn[able1  
yet n un?9kable--t is to say1 ,he 0 n   
un?9kable z ,be+1 b only 9              
p>ticul>isation & 9 realisation4 ,i c\ld
 "k ,him to ,be2 b 9 t alone :]e 0 any  
consolation8--,i f\nd x totally         
inadequate4 ,x 0 "s =m ( p]sonal        
,contact t 0 ne$$2 b if my m9d fail$ to 
rea* ?is1 ) :at else %\ld ,i rea* x8    
,ah1 ,i 0 inf9itely too small = ?is     
t]rible my/]y2 b1 small z ,i 01 h[ ,i   
c\ld suff]6 ,:y ?is suff]+8 ,:y w\ld ,he
 n %[ ,himself8 ,h>%1 rebelli\s1        
criticis+ ?\ghts frequ5tly invad$ me3 ! 
:ole s*eme ( ,nature & ( life at times  
appe>$ cruel1 unreasonably s4 ,all ! old
 ev]-to-be-repeat$ cycle ( bitt] human  
?\ghts _h to be gone all ?r\gh aga9 9 my
 own individual atom4 ,"h & !re !       

bitt]ness might v>y3 z1 = in/ance1 !    
collapse & corruption ( ! body ) its    
hide\s f9ale nev] caus$ me di/ress4 ,i  
_h become too indiff]5t to ! body2 b ,i 
f\nd t mo/ p]sons clung to x )          
extraord9>y t5acity1 inde$ appe>$ to    
reg>d x z _! mo/ valuable possession6   
,:at ,i did res5t1 & 0 deeply my/ifi$   
by1 0 ! capacity = suff]+ & pa9 :i* _h  
no balance 9 any correspond+ joy4 ,x 0  
idle to say t ! joy ( fe/ivities1 ev5 ( 
human love1 equall$ ! angui% ( grief ov]
 o!rs1 or ! suff]+s ( physical          
ill-heal?4 ,!y did n c\nt]balance x2    
sorr[ 0 m weighty ?an joy1 & f> m       
durable4 ,lat] ,i became conv9c$ t !re  
did exi/ a full equival5t ( joy1 z aga9/
 pa91 & t ,i m]ely _h no k ( h[ to f9d  
x4  ,ye>s succe$$ ea* o!r 9 ?is way1    
br++ great] loos5+ ( e>?-ties1 m        
ab/raction1 c]ta9ly no improvem5t ( "*4 
,my husb&'s duties z a soldi] took u to 
_m p>ts ( ! _w4 ,dur+ a visit to ,africa
 ,i 0 /ruck by lightn+1 & = t5 days my  
suff]+s 7 almo/ un5durable2 e n]ve seem$

 electrocut$4 ,x 0 long be=e ,i q       
recov]$4 ,:il/ ?is illness la/$1 ?\gh x 
caus$ him no inconv5i5ce & he l$ 8 life 
exactly z usual1 ,i yet notic$ a *ange 9
 my husb&'s love4 ,i 0 deeply pa9$1     
almo/ horrifi$1 by ?is revelation ( !   
natural imp]fection ( human love3       
pr(\ndly sadd5$1 ,i ask$ myself 0 x no?+
 b lu/ :i* _h inspir$ & dictat$ all !   
poems ( ! _w8 ,i ?\ght m & m ( ,jesus'  
love2 ,i began to "k t no?+ less ?an ,8 
p]fect love c\ld satisfy me4 ,9 ?is     
illness ,i 0 trem5d\sly alone4  ,,vii   
,i comm5c$ to m$itate ^u ! life & ! "* &
 ! love ( ,jesus ,*ri/4 ,i 0 n[ ab\t    
?irty-six4 ,gradually ,he became = me a 
secret ,m9d-,companion4 ,i began to rely
 ^u ?is companion%ip--?\gh x appe>$     
int5sely "o-sid$1 = at fir/ x seem$     
always to be ,i :o gave6 ,nev]!less ,i  
f\nd a gr[+ calm aris+ f ?is app>5tly s 
"o-sid$ fri5d%ip4 ,a subtle assi/ance & 
com=t came to me1 x 0 impossible to say 
h[1 yet x came f ?is companion%ip z x   
came f no?+ else4  ,t ,jesus ,*ri/ 0    

,god ,i knew to be ! fai? ( ! ,*ur*1 b t
 ,he actually 0 s ,i felt no conviction 
( :atev]3 inde$1 x 0 incompreh5sible to 
me4 ,i ?\ght ( ,him z a ,p]fect ,man1 ) 
div9e p[]s4 ,he 0 my ,jesus4 ,i d5i$    
no?+1 = ,i 0 f> too small & ignorant to 
v5ture to d s3 ,i kept a p]fectly op5   
m9d & lov$ ,him = ,himself1 z ! ,man    
,jesus4  ,?is w5t on = "s ye>s4 ,9 all  
my spiritual advancem5t ,i 0 incr$ibly  
sl[6  ,:at _h delay$ me 9 progress 0    
lack ( us+ ! "r ,proc$ure & ! "r ,pray]4
 ,i s\ght = ,god ) p]si/5ce & great     
long+2 b ,i s\ght ,him z ! ,fa!r1 & !   
,godhead is inaccessible to ! creature4 
,on becom+ truly desir\s ( f9d+ ,god x  
is necess>y t ) great p]si/5ce we pray !
 ,fa!r 9 ! "n ( ,jesus ,*ri/ t ,he w    
give u to ,jesus ,*ri/ & nil ! he>t &   
m9d ) love = ,*ri/4 ,only ?r\gh ,jesus  
,*ri/ c we f9d ! ,godhead1 & we _c be   
satisfi$ ) less ?an ! ,godhead4 ,) !    
creature we _c come into contact ) !    
,godhead--b ) ! s\l only4 ,! s\l is     
awak5$1 reviv$1 reglorifi$ by ,grace (  

,jesus ,*ri/2 & ! ,holy ,_s effects !   
rep5tance & conv]sion ( ! he>t & m9d1 = 
)\t ?is conv]sion t[>ds a spiritual life
 ! s\l rema9s 9 bondage to ! unconv]t$  
creature4  ,,viii  ,"o day ,i return$ f 
a walk1 & h>dly _h ,i ent]$ my room :5  
,i comm5c$ ?9k+ ) great ne>ness &       
intimacy ( ,jesus2 & sudd5ly1 ) ! mo/   
int5se vividness1 ,he pres5t$ ,himself  
be=e my consci\sness s t ,i inw>dly     
p]ceiv$ ,him1 & at once ,i 0 ov]come by 
a great agony ( remorse = my unwor?9ess3
 x 0 z ?\gh my he>t & m9d broke 9 pieces
 & melt$ 9 ! /ress ( ?is fe>ful pa91 :i*
 cont9u$--increas$--became un5durable1 &
 la/$ altoge!r an h\r4 ,too ignorant to 
"k t ?is 0 ! pa9 ( ,rep5tance1 ,i did n 
und]/& :at _h happ5$ to me2 b n[ inde$  
at lea/ ,i knew beyond a d\bt t ,i _h a 
s\l6 ,my wond]ful ,"l _h come to pay me 
a visit1 & ,i 0 n fit to receive        
,him--h5ce my agony4 ,i w\ld try ) all  
my /r5g? to improve myself = ,him4  ,i 0
 at fir/ at a /&/ill to "k ev5 :]e to   
comm5ce 9 ?is improvem5t1 = words fail  

to describe :at ,i n[ saw 9 myself6 ,up 
till n[ ,i _h publicly confess$ myself a
 s9n]1 & privately calmly ?\ght ( myself
 z a s9n]1 b )\t be+ di/urb$ by x or    
p]ceiv+ h[ ,i 0 "o6 ,i kept ! comm&m5ts 
9 ! usual degree & way1 & 0 consci5ti\s 
9 my deal+s ) o!rs4 ,n[ all at once--by 
?is ,pres5tm5t ( ,himself be=e my       
s\l--:i* _h la/$ = no m ?an "o mom5t (  
"t--,i sudd5ly1 & ) t]rible cle>ness1   
saw ! :ole insuff]able (f5siv5ess (     
myself4  ,= "s "t1 ev5 = "s weeks1 ,i   
rema9$ l a p]son half-/unn$ ) a/oni%m5t4
 ,!n ,i det]m9$ to try to become less   
selfi%1 less irritable & impati5t1 to %[
 f> m consid]ation = ev]yone else1 to be
 rigidly tru?ful3 9 fact1 try to comm5ce
 an alt]ation4  ,= "o ?+--ab\t tell+    
lies--,i _h always be5 q tru?ful 9 l>ge 
?+s1 b (t5 told "s social lies = my own 
conv5i5ce1 & sometimes told !m = no     
reason at all6 ,?is spontane\s ,evil    
fill$ me ) m a/oni%m5t ?an %ame2 :5ce   
did ?is ,evil come8 ,i c\ld nev] acc\nt 
= ?is /range ,intrud] :i* seem$ to h a  

sep>ate life & w ( its own1 & :i*1 ) no 
consci\s invitation ^u my "p1 w\ld      
sudd5ly visit me6 & 9 all mann] ( %apes 
& ways6 ,b :atev] my difficulties1 ,i _h
 always ?is imm5se inc5tive--to please  
my ,jesus1 t5d] & wond]ful1 my ,p]fect  
,fri5d4  ,two ye>s w5t by1 & on ,ea/]   
morn+1 at ! close ( ! s]vice z ,i knelt 
9 pray] 9 ! *ur*1 ,he sudd5ly pres5t$   
,himself aga9 be=e my s\l1 & aga9 ,i saw
 myself1 & aga9 ,i w5t d[n & d[n into ^?
 t]rible abysses ( spiritual pa92 & ,i  
suff]$ m ?an ,i suff]$ ! fir/ "t3 inde$1
 ,i h nev] _h ! c\rage to q fully recall
 ! full dep?s ( ?is angui% to m9d4      
,aft] ?is my s\l knew ,jesus z ,*ri/ !  
,son ( ,god1 & my he>t & m9d accept$ ?is
 )\t any fur!r wond] or "q1 & entirely  
)\t kn[+ h[ ?is k _h be5 giv51 = x came 
z a gift4  ,a great repose n[ comm5c$ to
 fill me1 & ! _w & all its int]e/s &    
ways seem$ s(tly & g5tly bl[n out ( my  
he>t by ! w+s ( a great new love1 my    
love = ! ,ris5 ,*ri/4  ,?\gh outw>dly my
 fri5ds might see no *ange1 yet inw>dly 

,i 0 secretly *ang+ mon? by mon?4 ,ev5 !
 great love ,i _h = my husb& began to   
fade3 ?is caus$ me di/ress2 ,i ?\ght ,i 
0 gr[+ he>tless1 & yet x 0 r t my he>t  
_h gr[n s l>ge t no man c\ld fill x6 ,i 
felt )9 me an imm5se1 incompreh5sible   
capacity = love1 & ! :ole _w ) all its  
cont5ts seem$ totally1 ev5 absurdly1    
inadequate to satisfy ?is great         
capacity4 ,i suff]$ ov] x )\t und]/&+ x4
  ,,ix  ,i _h a g>d5 full ( old-fa%ion$ 
fl[]s1 surr\nd$ by high walls ) ?at*4 ,z
 ,i grew 9 my he>t m & m away f ! _w1 ,i
 work$ m 9 ! g>d51 & :il/ ,i work$ ,i   
?\ght mo/ly ab\t ,god--,god s f> away & 
hidd51 & yet s ne> my he>t4  ,!re 7 _m  
diff]5t song-birds 9 ! g>d51 & "o rob94 
,i lov$ ! rob9 be/ ( all4 ,8 song 0 n s 
beautiful z ! blackbird's or s mell[ z !
 ?ru%'s2 b !y hid & ran away f me1 :il/ 
! rob9 s\ght me out & /ay$ ) me & sang  
me1 all to myself1 a little1 t9y1 g5tle 
song ( :i* ,i nev] grew tir$4 ,if ,i    
/ay$ q /ill1 he came s close he almo/   
t\*$ me2 b if ,i mov$ t[>ds him1 he flew

 away 9 a great fright4  ,x seem$ to me 
,i 0 l t rob91 & ,i want$ to come close1
 close to ! feet ( ,god4 ,b ,he w\ld n  
let me f9d ,him4 ,he w\ld n make me any 
sign4 ,he w\ld n let me feel ,i knew    
,him4 ,did ,he 9 ,8 wisdom "k t if ,he  
%[$ ,himself too op5ly ,i %\ld g mad )  
fe> or joy8 ,i c\ld n tell4 ,b e day z !
 rob9 sang to me 9 ! g>d5 ,i sang to    
,god a little g5tle song out ( my       
he>t--a song to ! hidd5 ,god ,:o call$  
me1 & :5 ,i answ]$ ,him w\ld n be f\nd1 
&1 /ill rema9+ hidd51 call$ & call$ till
 ,i 0 dumb ) ! pa9 & wond] ( ?is my/]y4 
,!n sudd5ly came ! ,great ,w>4 ,my husb&
 0 among/ ! fir/ to h to g4 ,all my love
 = him :i* ,i _h ?\ght to be fad+ n[    
rose up aga9 to its full /r5g?3 x 0 no  
m]e weakly s5tim5t1 b a p[]ful type (   
human love :i* _h be5 able to c>ry me   
?r\gh fifte5 ye>s ( m>ri$ life )\t "o   
h\r ( qu>rell+2 its roots 7 deep into my
 he>t & m9d3 ! v /r5g? & p]fection ( x b
 made ( x a great] in/rum5t = torture4  
,:y %\ld ?is mo/ beautiful ( all human  

emotions c>ry ) x s heavy a p5alty1 =   
:i* no rem$y appe>$ to exi/8 ,x _h n !n 
be5 made cle> to me t all human loves   
mu/ fir/ be (f]$ up & asc5d into ! love 
( ,god3 !n only are !y fre$ f ?is       
,pa9-,tax4 ,god mu/ fir/ be ,all 9 ,all 
to u be=e we c ent] among/ ! numb] :o   
are all 9 all to ,him--con/antly consol$
 by ,him4 ,?is condition ( be+ all 9 all
 is dem&$ z a "r by all m5 & wom5 9     
mutual love1 yet we d5y ?is "r to ,god3 
we are n ev5 will+ to attempt x6 ?is    
failure to be will+ is ! grave error we 
make4 ,our attitude to ,god is n "o (   
love1 b ( an expectancy ( fav\rs4 ,an   
id5tical sacrifice is dem&$ ( u 9       
m>riage--fa!r1 "m1 bro!rs1 si/]s1       
fri5ds3 all ^! loves mu/ become         
subs]vi5t to ! new love1 & ) :at        
will+ness & smiles ?is sacrifice is     
usually made6 ,n s ) our sacrifices to  
,god--we make !m ) bitt] te>s1 h>d      
he>ts1 long faces4 ,is ,he nev] hurt by 
?is p]petual grudg+ness ( love8  ,b ,i  
_h n yet le>nt any ( ?is1 & ,i c\ld n   

accept1 ,i c\ld n swall[ ?is t]rible    
cup4 ,i ?\ght ( ,*ri/ 9 ! ,g>d5 (       
,ge?semane4 ,he und]/ood & knew all pa92
 ,i _h ,8 companion%ip1 b ,he (f]$ me no
 cessation ( ?is pa94 ,x mu/ be borne2  
_h ,he n borne ,8 own up to ! bitt] end8
 ,i %rank1 appall$1 f ! suff]+ ,i 0     
already 9 & ! suff]+ t lay be=e me4     
,relief f ?is agony1 relief1 relief6 ,b 
!re 0 no relief4 ,9 utt] d>kness all mu/
 be gone ?r\gh4 ,at lea/ ,i 0 n s fooli%
 z to attribute all ?is horror t 0 clos+
 9 ^u ! _w to ! direct ,w ( ,god3 ,i    
c\ld p]ceive t1 on ! contr>y1 x 0 ! _s (
 ,anti-,*ri/1 x 0 ! w ( ,man ) 8 gre$s1 
8 cruelty1 8 self-suffici5t pride1      
toge!r ) a ho/ ( o!r evils1 :i* _h      
br\ght all ?is to pass4 ,b c\ld n--w\ld 
n--,god deliv] ! innoc5t2 mu/ all alike 
desc5d into ! pit8  ,i tri$ to obta9    
relief by ca/+ ?is burd5 on to ,*ri/1 & 
0 n able to accompli% x4 ,i tri$ to draw
 ! succ\r ( ,god d[n into my he>t1 & ,i 
tri$ to ?r[ myself out & up to ,him--,i 
c\ld d nei!r3 ! va/ b>ri] rema9$2 ,fai? 

c\ld n take me ?r\gh x4  ,a horrible k9d
 ( second sight n[ possess$ me1 s t1    
al?\gh ,i nev] he>d "o ^w f my husb&1 ,i
 became aw>e ( mu* t 0 happ5+ to        
him--knew him press$ p]petually         
backw>ds1 fight+ = 8 life1 knew him at  
times ly+ exhau/$ out 9 ! op5 fields at 
night4 ,at la/ ,i began to fe> = my     
reason2 ,i became afraid ( ! torture ( !
 nights & sat up read+1 =c+ my m9d to   
conc5trate itself ^u ! book--! ne>-to-h&
 help ( ! book 0 m effective ?an !      
spiritual help 9 :i* some?+ altoge!r    
vital 0 /ill miss+4 ,relief only came :5
 aft] a mon? a lett] rea*$ me f my      
husb&1 say+ t ! t]rible retreat 0 ov] & 
he safe4  ,mon?s & ye>s dragg$ by4      
,sometimes ! pa9 ( x all 0 eas$2        
sometimes x increas$4  ,z grass m[n d[n 
& )]$ 9 ! fields gives out ! pleasant   
sc5t ( hay1 s 9 h] lac]ation & h] angui%
 did ! s\l1 ,i wond]$1 give (f "s       
,pa9-,song pleas+ to ,almighty ,god4    
,at fir/ ,i recoil$ ) t]ror f ?is ?\ght2
 f9ally love ov]came ! t]ror--,i 0 will+

 to h x s1 if x pleas$ ,him4 ,my s\l    
rea*$ d[n into great & fe>ful dep?s4 ,i 
envi$ ! soldi]s dy+ ^u ! battlefields2  
life 0 become f> m t]rible to me ?an    
dea?4 ,look+ back ^u my /ruggles1 ,i see
 ) pr(\nd a/oni%m5t h[ unaw>e ,i 0 ( my 
impud5ce to ,god 9 attribut+ to ,him    
qualities ( cruelty & call\sness1 su* z 
are to be f\nd only among/ ! l[e/ m56   
,yet good 0 p]mitt$ to come out ( ?is   
evil2 = :]e ,i attribut$ to ,god a      
call\sness & ev5 an enjoym5t ( my       
suff]+s1 ,i le>nt self-sacrifice1 !     
effacem5t ( all p]sonal ga91 & total    
submission = love's sake to ,8 ,w1 cruel
 ?\gh ,i might imag9e x to be4 ,) :at   
te>s does ! he>t aft]w>ds address itself
 9 aw$ rep5tance to its ,belov$ & ,g5tle
 ,god6  ,a pa9ful illness came & la/$ = 
mon?s4 ,hav+ no home1 ,i 0 oblig$ to    
endure ! mis]y ( x z be/ ,i c\ld among  
/rang]s4 ,at ?is "t ,i t\*$ p]haps ! v  
l[e/ dep?s4 ,h[ (t5 ,i long$ t ,i might 
nev] wake 9 ! morn+6 ,i loa!d my life4  
,dur+ ?is illness ,i came exce$+ly ne>  

to ,*ri/1 s mu* s t ,i am n able to     
describe ! vividness ( x4 ,:at ,i le>nt 
out ( ?is "t ( suff]+ ,i d n "k--save   
complete submission4 ,i became l        
wax--wax :i* 0 ask$ to take only "o     
impression1 & t pa94 ,i 0 too dumb2 ,i  
%\ld h rememb]$ ^? words1 t m5 ought n  
to fa9t1 b to pray4  ,bewild]$1 &       
my/ifi$ by my own unhapp9ess & t ( s _m 
o!rs all ar\nd me1 ,i sank 9 my         
submission too mu* into a /ate ( le?>gic
 resignation1 :]eas an onw>d-driv+      
resolution to w9 ?r\gh1 a p[]ful        
det]m9ation to seek & obta9 ! imm$iate  
protection & assi/ance ( ,god1 a /&+    
be=e ,god1 & a claim+ ( ,8 help--^! ?+s 
are requir$ ( ! s\l3 9 fact t           
importunity is necess>y ( :i* ,jesus    
spoke 7,luke xi4 #g-i73 ,& he f )9 %all 
answ] & say1 ,tr\ble me n 4 4 4 ,i _c   
rise & give !e4 ,i say unto y he w n    
rise & give him because he is 8 fri5d1  
yet because ( 8 importunity he w rise & 
give him z _m z he ne$e?4 ,& ,i say unto
 y1 ,ask1 & x %all be giv5 y2 seek1 & ye

 %all f9d2 knock1 & x %all be op5$ unto 
y4  ,su* times ( di/ress are /orms1     
fe>ful battles ( ! s\l 9 :i* %e mu/ n   
fa9t b rise up & walk t[>ds ,god &      
clam\r = help2 & %e w receive x4 ,9 ,8  
own good "t ,he w give h] all t %e asks 
& m ev5 ?an %e dream$ (4 ,%e mu/ claim f
 ,god a cont9ual re/r5g!n+1 & se>* )    
gl[+ aspiration = a m joy\s love4  ,x   
,x 0 summ]-"t3 a great battle 0 rag+ 9  
,france4 ,a fri5d wrote me t my husb& 0 
up 9 ! v =emo/ "p ( x4 ,i he>d no ^w f  
my husb&2 weeks pass$1 & /ill ! same    
om9\s sil5ce4 ,at la/ ! day came :5 !   
%ad[ ( ^! two fe>ful ye>s rose up &     
ov]:elm$ me altoge!r4 ,i w5t up on to ! 
wild lonely hill :]e ,i s (t5 walk$1 &  
!re ,i cont5d$ ) ,god = ,8 help4 ,= !   
fir/ "t 9 my life !re 0 no?+ betwe5 ,god
 & myself--?is _h cont9ually happ5$ )   
,jesus ,*ri/1 b n ) ,god ! ,fa!r1 ,:o   
rema9$ totally inaccessible to me4 ,n[1 
l a man /&+ 9 a v d>k place & see+ no?+ 
b kn[+ himself imm$iately ne> to        
ano!r--s ,i knew myself 9 v great       

ne>ness to ,god4 ,i _h no ne$ = eyes to 
see outw>dly1 because ( ! imm5se        
magnetism ( ?is inw>d ,aw>5ess4 ,at "o  
mom5t my he>t & m9d ran l wat] be=e     
,him--pray+ ,him1 besee*+ ,him = ,8     
help2 at ano!r my s\l /ood /raight up   
be=e ,him1 cont5d+ & claim+ because %e  
c\ld be> no m3 & x felt z ?\gh ! ,_s (  
,god /ood ov] aga9/ my _s1 & my _s      
wre/l$ ) ,god's ,_s = m ?an an h\r4 ,b  
,he gave me no answ]1 no sign1 no help4 
,he gave me no?+ b t awful sil5ce :i*   
seems to hang = ev] betwe5 ,god & ,man4 
,& ,i became exhau/$1 & turn$ away 9    
despair f ,god1 & f supplication1 & f   
/riv+1 & f cont5d+1 &1 v quiet &        
pr(\ndly sad1 ,i /ood look+ out across !
 hills to ! di/ant view--h[ g5tle &     
lovely ?is peace ( ! ev5+ sky1 :il/ on  
e>? all ! nations ( ! _w 7 fight+ toge!r
 9 blood & fury & pa96  ,i _h /ood !re =
 p]haps t5 m9utes1 mutely & sadly wond]+
 at ! mean+ ( x all1 & 0 comm5c+ to walk
 away :5 sudd5ly ,i 0 surr\nd$ by a     
great :it5ess :i* blott$ out f me all my

 surr\nd+s4 ,x 0 l a great light or :ite
 cl\d :i* hid all my surr\nd+s f me1    
?\gh ,i /ood !re ) my eyes wide op53 & !
 cl\d prick$1 s t ,i said to myself1 ,x 
is an electric cl\d1 & x prick$ me f my 
head d[n to my elb[s1 b no fur!r4 ,i    
felt no fe> :atev]1 b a v great wond]1 &
 /ood !re all q simple & placid1 feel+ v
 quiet4 ,!n !re began to be p\r$ into me
 an indescribably great vitality1 s t ,i
 said to myself1 ,i am be+ fill$ ) "s   
m>vell\s ,elixir4 ,& x fill$ me f ! feet
 up1 g5tly & sl[ly1 s t ,i c\ld notice e
 advance ( x4 ,z x rose high] 9 me1 s ,i
 grew to feel fre$3 t is to say1 ,i _h  
)9 me ! a/\nd+ s5sation ( hav+ !        
capacity to pass :]e or h[ ,i w\ld--:i* 
is to say ,i felt fre$ ( ! law (        
gravity4 ,i 0 l a free _s--,i felt &    
knew )9 myself ?is glori\s fre$om6 ,i   
ta/$ = "s mom5ts a new =m ( liv+6 ,words
 are unable to convey ! spl5d\r ( x1 !  
b\ndless joy1 ! lib]ty1 ! glory ( x4  ,&
 ! incompreh5sible ,p[] rose & rose 9 me
 until x rea*$ ! v cr[n ( my head1 &    

imm$iately x _h q fill$ me a m>vell\s ?+
 happ5$--! ,wall1 ! dreadful ,b>ri]     
betwe5 ,god & me1 came d[n entirely1 &  
imm$iately ,i lov$ ,him4 ,i 0 s fill$ ) 
love t ,i _h to cry al\d my love1 s     
great 0 ! =ce & ! wond] & ! delight & ! 
might ( x4  ,& n[1 sl[ly1 ! vivid       
:it5ess melt$ away s t ,i saw ev]y?+    
ar\nd me once m j z be=e2 b = a little  
:ile ,i cont9u$ to /& !re v /ill &      
?\ghtful1 because ,i 0 fill$ ) wond] &  
great peace4  ,!n ,i turn$ to walk home1
 b ,i walk$ z a ,new ,creature 9 a ,new 
,_w--my he>t felt l ! he>t ( an angel1  
gl[+ :ite-hot ) ! love = ,god1 & all my 
sorr[s fl$ away 9 a va/ joy6 ,?is 0 ,8  
answ]1 ?is 0 ,8 help4 ,aft] ye>s & ye>s 
( wre/l+ & /ruggl+1 9 "o mom5t ( "t ,he 
_h let me f9d ,him1 ,he _h p\r$ ,8      
,p>adise into my s\l6 ,nev] 0 su*       
inconceivable joy--nev] 0 su* gladness6 
,my griefs & pa9s & woes 7 wip$         
away--totally effac$ z ?\gh !y _h nev]  
exi/$6  ,oh1 ! magnific5ce ( su* spl5did
 joy6 ,! :ole ( space c\ld sc>cely n[ be

 l>ge en\gh to hold me6 ,i ne$$ all (   
x--,i welcom$ its imm5sity z once ,i 0  
oppress$ by x4 ,god & my ,s\l1 & ,love1 
& ,light1 & ,space6    ,,"p ,,ii  ,at   
la/ my little suff]+ life is %elt]$ 9 ! 
kn[n1 ! felt1 protection ( ! ,ineffable 
& ,invisible ,be+4 ,! ,be+ ,:o1 )\t     
reveal+ ,himself to me by sight or s\nd1
 yet communicates ,himself to me 9 "s   
div9e mann] at once all-suffic+ &       
inexpressible4 ,i ask no que/ions3 ,i am
 9 no ha/e ( anxi\s le>n+4 ,my he>t & my
 m9d & my s\l /& /ill & dr9k 9 ! glory (
 ?is happ9ess4 ,all day1 (t5 half !     
night1 ,i wor%ip ,him4 ,i love ,him )   
?is new love1 s diff]5t f any?+ kn[n    
be=e4 ,! greate/ e>?ly love1 by         
comp>ison to x1 has become feeble1      
impure1 almo/ grotesque 9 its           
ineffici5cy--a t9sel c\nt]feit ( ?is    
gli/5+ my/]y :i* mu/ /ill be spok5 ( z  
love because ,i "k no o!r "n4  ,i f9d x 
difficult1 almo/ impossible1 to speak to
 my fell[-creatures1 because ,i h only  
two words1 two ?\ghts 9 my entire be+3  

my ,god1 & my love = ,him4  ,i am l a ?+
 t is magnetis$1 held3 ,i am n able1 day
 or night1 to deta* my m9d f ,god4  ,i  
wake ) ,8 "n ^u my lips1 ) ,8 glory 9 my
 s\l4 ,9 all ?is !re is no virtue on my 
"p2 !re is no ef=t2 ! capacity = ?is    
b\ndless devotion is a free gift4 ,com+ 
imm$iately aft] my angui%$ pray] on !   
hill1 x appe>s to me to h come solely on
 acc\nt ( t "o pray]--! previ\s pray]s1 
/ruggles1 endeav\rs ( five-&-tw5ty ye>s 
are entirely =gott54 ,i compreh5d no?+ (
 ! my/]y1 nei!r z yet d ,i feel any     
desire to compreh5d x2 b 9 a _w :]e only
 love1 beauty1 happ9ess1 & repose exi/1 
,i walk & talk & live alone ) ,god4     
,yet ! w> 0 cont9u+ z usual1 my husb& 0 
9 ! same dang]1 ,i became ill )         
influ5za1 my fri5ds cont9u$ to die (    
w\nds1 my relations to be kill$ "o by   
"o2 b 9 all ?is !re 0 no pa93 ! /+1 !   
angui%1 _h gone out ( e s+le ?+ 9 life4 
,my consci\sness feels to be compos$ (  
two extremes3 ,i am a *ild ( a few ye>s 
( age1 to :om s91 suff]+1 pa91 evil1 &  

temptation are n kn[n1 & yet1 ?\gh kn[+ 
s little1 ,i "k ! unutt]ably great--,i  
"k ,god4 ,?is _c be express$--m]ely1 x c
 be said t two extremes h met4  ,?is new
 consci\sness1 ?is new wor%ip1 ?is new  
love is = ! ,godhead4 ,*ri/ is gone up  
into ! ,godhead1 & ,i wor%ip ,him 91 & z
 ,"o )1 ! ,godhead4 ,= ?ree mon?s ?is   
cont9ues un9t]rupt$ly4 ,!n ,jesus ,*ri/ 
pres5ts ,himself to my consci\sness4    
,jesus1 ,:o l$ me to ?is happ9ess1 n[   
calls & calls to my s\l4 ,imm$iately ,i 
comm5ce to respond to ,him4 ,he is draw+
 me away2 ,he is tea*+ me some?+--at    
fir/ ,i d n "k :at1 b soon ,i "k t ,he  
is lead+ me out ( ?is ,ed51 ?is p>adise 
( my *ildhood3 ,i "k x1 because ,i beg9 
to feel pa9 aga91 & to recognise evil4  
,o my ,jesus1 my ,jesus1 mu/ ,i really  
foll[ ,!e out ( ,p>adise back into pa98 
,yes1 9 less ?an two weeks ,i am fully  
back 9 ! _w aga9--b n ! same _w1 because
 ,i "k h[ to escape f x4 ,! ,door t ,i  
knock$ at1 & t all 9 "o mom5t 0 op5$ to 
me1 is nev] clos$4 ,i c g 9 & out4 ,god 

nev] closes to me ! "r ( way2 nev] sev]s
 ^? secret wires ( ,div9e               
,communication4  ,b my s\l is n nurs$1 z
 x 71 9 ,8 ,h&s day & night--%e mu/ le>n
 to gr[ up4 ,woeful education1 deadly   
days ( le>n+1 /ony pa?s t hurt1 t hurt  
all ! m because ( ! felicity t only s   
rec5tly 0 m9e4  ,= ?ree mon?s ,i am     
walk+ fur!r & fur!r out ( ,ed5 & back   
into ! horrors ( ! _w--foll[+ ,jesus4   
,"o night ,i compose myself z usual =   
sleep1 b ,i d n sleep1 nei!r c ,i say t 
,i am q awake4 ,x is nei!r sleep1 nor is
 my wakefulness ! usual wakefulness4 ,i 
d n dream1 ,i _c move4 ,my consci\sness 
is alight ) a new fi]y en]gy ( life2 x  
feels to ext5d to an inf9ite di/ance    
beyond my body1 & yet rema9s connect$ ) 
my body4 ,i live 9 a mann] totally new &
 totally incompreh5sible1 a life 9 :i*  
none ( my s5ses are us$ & :i* is yet a  
?\s&1 & m ?an a ?\s&1 times z vivid4 ,x 
is liv+ at :ite heat--)\t =ms1 )\t s\nd1
 )\t sight1 )\t any?+ :i* ,i h ev] be5  
aw>e ( 9 ?is _w1 & at a t]rible spe$4   

,:at is ! mean+ ( all ?is8 ,i d n "k3 my
 body is q helpless & is di/ress$1 b ,i 
am n afraid4 ,god is tea*+ me some?+ 9  
,8 own way4 ,= six weeks e night ,i ent]
 ?is condition1 & ! duration & p[] or   
int5sity ( x increase by degrees4 ,x    
feels t my s\l is project$ or travels = 
incalculable di/ances beyond my         
body--7long aft]w>ds ,i und]/& ?r\gh    
exp]i5ce t ?is is n ! mode ( x1 b t !   
s\l rema9+ 9 ! body is by "s            
de-insulation expos$ to ! k ( _s-life z 
& :5 free ( ! fle%7--& ,i le>n to       
compreh5d & to "k a new mann] ( liv+1 z 
a swimm] le>ns a new mode ( progression 
by means ( 8 swimm+1 :i* is n 8 natural 
way4  ,by ! end ( ?ree weeks ,i c rema9 
nightly = _m h\rs 9 ?is condition1 :i*  
is always accompani$ by an int5se &     
vivid consci\sness ( ,god4  ,z ?is      
consci\sness ( ,god becomes m & m vivid 
s my body suff]s m & m4 ,by day ,i c    
only eat ! smalle/ morsels ( food1 :i*  
almo/ *oke me1 b ,i dr9k a great        
quantity ( wat]4 ,i am p]fectly heal?y1 

?\gh ,i h h>dly any sleep & v little1   
inde$ almo/ no1 food--! suff]+ is only  
at night ) ! brea?+ & ! he>t :5 9 ?is   
/range condition4 ,b ,i h no anxiety    
:atev]2 ,i am glad t ,he %all d z ,he   
pleases ) me4 ,no?+ b love c give u ?is 
supreme confid5ce4  ,dur+ ! :ole ( ^!   
exp]i5ces ,i live 9 a /ate ( v          
consid]able ab/raction4 ,b ?is n[       
sudd5ly increases1 increases to su* an  
ext5t t ,i h>dly "k :e!r to call x      
ab/raction or ! extremity ( pov]ty4 ,i  
n[ become dive/$ ( all int]e/s outside &
 inside1 dive/$ ( ! great] "p ( my      
intellig5ce1 dive/$ ( my w4 ,i am ( no  
value :atev]1 less ?an ! du/ on ! road4 
,9 ?is awful no?+ness ,i am /ill ,i4 ,my
 consci\sness cont9ues & is n conf\nd$ )
 or lo/ 9 any o!r consci\sness1 b is    
r$uc$ to />k nak$ness & wor? no?+3 & ?is
 wor?less no?+ is hung up &1 z x 71     
susp5d$ n[h]e 9 p>ticul> z f> f e>? z f 
heav51 totally unkn[n & unwant$ by bo?  
,god & ,man4 ,i am nak$ pati5ce--wait+4 
,i h a few ?\ghts1 b v few3 ,i ?9k "o   

?\ght :]e 9 normal times ,i %\ld ?9k t5 
?\s&4 ,i feel & "k t ,i am no?+1 & ,i   
feel t ?is has be5 done to me2 j z be=e1
 all t ,i _h 0 also done to me & 0 a    
gift4 ,s ,i ackn[l$ge t ,i once _h & 0  
p]haps some?+ & t n[ ,i possess &       
c]ta9ly am no?+--,i ackn[l$ge x1 ,i     
accept x1 )\t hesitation1 )\t prote/4   
,"o ( my few ?\ghts is t ,i %all rema9 =
 ! re/ ( my natural life 9 ?is pitiful  
/ate :]e1 h[ev]1 ,i %all hope to be     
pres]v$ f fur!r s9n+ simply because ,i h
 n a suffici5cy ( w1 intellig5ce1 or    
?\ght ) :i* to s96 ,i am too completely 
no?+ to be able to s94 ,i h ano!r ?\ght1
 :i* is t z ,i no long] h any           
intellig5ce ) :i* to deal ) ! ord9>y    
difficulties ( life1 su* z /reet life & 
traffic1 ,i %all %ortly be run ov] &    
kill$2 & s ,i put a c>d ) my address on 
x into my little h&bag1 = ! conv5i5ce ( 
^? :o %all be oblig$ to deal ) my body  
aft]w>ds4  ,i h j suffici5t capacity    
left me to automatically1 me*anically1 g
 ?r\gh ) ! necessities ( life4 ,i h n   

become idiotic4 ,i live 9 a trem5d\s &  
pr(\nd solitude1 su* a solitude z w\ld  
fright5 _m p greatly4 ,b my beautiful   
pa/ime _h accu/om$ me to solitude & also
 to some?+ ( ?is no?+ness--a brief      
no?+ness 0 a necess>y "p ( ! beautiful  
pa/ime3 s ,i h no fe>s n[ ( any k9d2 b  
,i wond]4 ,p]haps ,i am j f\r           
?+s--wond]1 pati5ce1 resignation1 &     
no?+4  ,yet ?r\gh ?is dreadful solitude 
p5etrates ! inspiration ( "s unse5      
guide4 ,z reg>ds ?is p>ticul> "t ,i am  
conv9c$ t ?is guide is an outside       
pres5ce4 ,i dep5d 9 all my go+s & com+s 
^u ! guidance ( ?is guide :o proves     
incr$ibly accurate 9 e detail1 9 details
 ( ev5 ! smalle/ necessities4 ,if ?is   
guide is a "p ( myself1 x is t ( me )   
:i* ,i h n previ\sly come 9 contact2 & x
 is n ! ,reason1 b f> beyond ! ,reason1 
= x div9es4 ,x is !n ei!r a spiritual   
guide1 companion1 or gu>dian angel1 or x
 is a p[] possess$ by ! s\l h]self--a   
=eta/+ cognisance1 a my/]i\s intuition (
 :i* we z yet compreh5d little or no?+1 

& :i* we h n yet le>nt to comm&3 x      
pres5ts itself2 x abs5ts itself2 b x    
condesc5ds to e ne$2 x is always        
helpful1 always b5efic5t2 x sees t :i* x
 sees be=e ! ev5t2 x he>s t :i* x he>s  
be=e ! words are spok54 ,x guides by :at
 w\ld seem to be two v diff]5t modes3 ! 
great] ?+s come by a mode altoge!r      
indescribable2 b = ! small ?+s ( e day  
,i w take simple examples "h & !re4 ,i  
am abroad4 ,someone 9 ! family at home  
is tak5 dang]\sly ill4 ,i am urg5tly    
ne$$2 b ! tra9s are ov]cr[d$1 ,i am     
unable to get my seat transf]r$ to an   
e>li] date1 ,i _c let !m "k at home :5  
,i %all return3 all is unc]ta91 all is  
*aos4 ,i am pa9fully anxi\s1 ,i am a%am$
 to say ,i am greatly worri$3 ,i turn z 
always to my ,"l1 ask+ ,him to =give ^! 
selfi% fe>s & to help me4 ,a little :ile
 lat] a sc5e pres5ts itself to me--,i   
see my own room1 ,i he> ! voice ( a     
page-boy /&+ 9 ! door & say+1 ,y are    
want$ on ! telephone2 !n ,i am at !     
telephone1 & a voice is say+ to me1 ,y\r

 tra9 accommodation is transf]r$ to     
,friday ! #ai?4 ,t is all1 because ,i am
 rung (f4  ,five days pass4 ,i am 9 my  
room1 & ! page is really /&+ at ! door1 
& he says1 ,y are want$ on ! telephone4 
,i g to ! telephone1 & a voice says1    
,y\r tra9 accommodation is transf]r$ to 
,friday ! #ai?4 ,t is all1 because ,i am
 rung (f4  ,aga91 !re is a "y lay-read]1
 closely 9 contact ) ,*ri/2 he has a    
wife & "y *ild4 ,! wea!r is bitt]ly     
cold4 ,a picture sudd5ly comes be=e me (
 ?is family1 & !re is a voice say+1 ,he 
0 ga!r+ toge!r ! la/ little pieces (    
fuel :5 y\r pres5t came4 ,imm$iately ,i 
und]/& t ,i am requir$ to s5d coal to ^!
 p1 & to d x at once )\t delay4 ,!      
foll[+ day ! wife comes ) te>s to ?ank  
me1 & %e tells me1 ,we 7 9 despair2 my  
husb&'s he>t is s weak he _c be> ! cold1
 he becomes s]i\sly ill4 ,he 0 ga!r+    
toge!r ! la/ little pieces ( fuel :5 y\r
 pres5t came4  ,or1 aga91 ,i v badly ne$
 a pair ( walk+ %oes1 b = weeks ,i h be5
 s absorb$ 9 contemplation t ! pa9 (    

br++ myself f ?is holy joy to d %opp+ is
 too great1 & ,i delay & delay2 ,i _c   
br+ myself to x2 b %oes are a necessity 
( e>?ly life4 ,hav+ exce$+ly n>r[ feet1 
,i am oblig$ always to get my %oes f a  
c]ta9 mak]1 & n[1 dur+ ! w>1 he makes s 
few %oes4 ,to-day a picture ( ! %op     
comes be=e me1 & ! words ,g to-day1 g   
to-day1 urge !mselves ^u my             
consci\sness4 ,!n a picture comes ( !   
assi/ant2 ,i %[ h] my foot1 & %e says1  
,!re is only "o pair left2 h[ =tunate y 
came to-day6 ,s ,i und]/& ,i mu/ g to my
 %opp+ &1 greatly aga9/ my w1 ,i g t    
aft]noon4 ,! assi/ant comes =w>d1 & ,i  
%[ h] my foot1 & %e says1 ,!re is only  
"o pair left2 h[ =tunate y came to-day6 
,always 9 ?is mode ( ! guid+ are !      
little picture & ! exact words3 all ( x 
( ! easie/ to describe2 b ( ! o!r & !   
great] guid+ ,i d n "k h[ to tell4 ,x is
 %e] pure k1 receiv$ n 9 p>ts1 pictures1
 or words1 b z a :ole & 9 a mode s      
exquisitely my/]i\s z to be at once too 
intricate = description1 & yet          

simplicity itself6  ,sure1 p]fect1 &    
s]5e mode ( k6 ,royal k :i* kn[s no     
toil1 no sweat ( "w1 no common drudg]y1 
art ?\ ( ! s\l h]self1 or art ?\        
altoge!r f outside ! s\l8 ,?is ,i "k1 t 
?\gh ! fir/ mode w\ld seem to be v small
 & to deal ) littl5ess1 & ! la/ mode    
seems to be entirely ap>t f x because ( 
! greatnesses ) :i* x deals t !y are    
l9k$ & t ! p[] is "o p[] so>+ to !      
highe/1 condesc5d+ to ! smalle/4  ,s n[1
 9 ! "t ( ?is /range ab/raction &       
pov]ty1 :5 ! c9ematograph ( my m9d is   
clos$ d[n1 & ) x ! delicate me*anism :i*
 takes up1 uses1 & connects all t we    
take 9 by ! s5ses1 & :i* makes ! _w s   
real & s compreh5sible1 is become       
unhit*$ & disconnect$1 s t no?+ 9 ! _w  
seems any long] real or possesses ei!r  
value or mean+1 & ,i /& be=e x all      
def5celess1 seem+ly unable to deal ) x1 
utt]ly indiff]5t to x2 !n & n[ ,reason  
may v well say to me1 ,y are 9 v great  
dang]2 b ,i am n 9 any dang]1 because ,i
 am guid$ :5ev] necess>y by "s          

condesc5d+ sagacity f> m sagaci\s ?an my
 poor ,reason1 inf9itely m p5etrative & 
effectual ?an any s5se ( eye or e>4 ,i  
rema9 fully conv9c$ t at ?is "t1 at any 
rate1 x 0 an outside sagacity :i* guid$ 
me--truly a gu>dian angel4  ,?is p]iod (
 int5se ab/raction1 ?is /range valley ( 
humiliation1 pov]ty1 solitude1 seem$ a  
necess>y prelude to ! great1 ! supreme1 
exp]i5ce ( my life4 ,z ,i came sl[ly out
 ( ?is pov]ty & solitude1 ! joy\sness ( 
my spiritual exp]i5ce increas$3 ! nights
 7 no long] at all a "t ( sleep or      
repose1 b ( raptur\s liv+4  ,! six? week
 came1 & ,i comm5c$ to fe> ! nights &   
?is trem5d\s liv+1 because ! happ9ess & 
! light & ! poignancy & ! rapture ( x 7 
becom+ m ?an ,i c\ld be>4 ,i began to   
wond] secretly if ,god int5d$ to draw my
 s\l s ne> to ,him t ,i %\ld die ( !    
spl5d\r ( ?is liv+1 ,my raptures 7 n    
only caus$ by ! s5se ( ! imm$iate       
,pres5ce ( ,god--?is is a di/9ctive     
rapture runn+ ?r\gh & above all         
raptures1 b !re are less] ec/asies caus$

 by ! meet+ ( ! s\l ) ,?\ghts or ,ideas1
 ) melodies :i* be> ! s\l 9 almo/       
un5durable delight ^u a ?\s& summits (  
p]fection2 & ) an all-p]vad+ raptur\s   
,beauty 9 a great light4 ,!re is ?is    
peculi>ity ab\t ! mann] ( ^! ?\ghts &   
melodies & beauties--!y are n spok51    
he>d1 or se51 b liv$4 ,i c\ld n pass ^! 
?+s to my reason & translate ! ,ideas   
into words or ! melodies into s\nds1 or 
! beauty into objects1 = _s-liv+ is n   
translatable to e>?-liv+1 & ,i f\nd 9 x 
no words1 no s\nds1 no objects1 & ,i    
compreh5d$ & ,i liv$ ) t 9 me :i* is    
above ,reason & ( :i* ,i _h1 previ\sly  
to ^! exp]i5ces1 _h no cognisance4  ,!re
 came a night :5 ,i pass$ beyond ,ideas1
 beyond melody1 beyond beauty1 into va/ 
lo/ spaces1 dep?s ( untellable bliss1   
into a ,light4 ,& ! ,light is an ec/asy 
( delight1 & ! ,light is an ocean (     
bliss1 & ! ,light is ,life & ,love1 & ! 
,light is ! too deep contact ) ,god1 & !
 ,light is unbe>able ,joy2 & 9          
un5durable bliss my s\l besee*es ,god t 

,he w cov] h] f ?is mo/ t]rible rapture1
 ?is felicity :i* exce$s all measure4 ,&
 %e is n cov]$ f x4 ,& %e besee*es ,him 
aga92 & %e is n cov]$2 & be+ 9 ! la/    
extremity f ?is mo/ t]rible joy1 %e     
besee*es ,him aga93 & imm$iately is     
cov]$ f x4  99 99 99  ,my s\l1 my :ole  
be+1 is t]rifi$ ( ,god1 & ( joy4 ,i d>e 
n ?9k ( ,him1 ,i d>e n pray2 b1 l "s    
pitiful & w\nd$ *ild1 ,i creep to ! feet
 ( ,jesus4  ,:5 on ! foll[+ ev5+ once m 
! day closes & ,i compose myself = !    
night1 ,i wond] trembl+ly to :at ,he w  
aga9 expose me2 b = ! fir/ "t 9 six     
weeks ,i fall into a natural sleep & "k 
no m until ! morn+4  ,!n ,i und]/& t !  
lesson is ov]4 ,mighty & ,t]rible ,god1 
x 0 en\gh6  ,9 ! light ( ^! measureless 
joys :at is any e>?ly joy8 ,:at is ! v  
greate/ exp]i5ce ( e>?ly happ9ess b s   
mu* wa/e pap]8  ,:at are ! joys ( ^?    
vices = :i* m5 sell _! s\ls1 b          
soap-bubbles6  ,! :ole mean+ ( life1    
toge!r ) all ! graduat$ & accept$ values
 ( x1 becomes = ev] *ang$ 9 ! light ( ! 

k ( ,cele/ial ,happ9ess4    ,,"p ,,iii  
,i  ,wond]ful1 beautiful weeks w5t by1  
fill$ ) div9e1 indescribable peace4 ,!  
,pres5ce ( ,god 0 ) me day & night1 & ! 
_w 0 n ! _w z ,i _h once kn[n x--a place
 :]e m5 & wom5 f\ght & s9n$ & toil$ &   
angui%$ & wond]$ horribly ! mean+ ( ?is 
my/]y ( pa9 & joy1 ( life & dea?4 ,! _w 
0 become ,p>adise1 & 9 my he>t ,i cri$  
to all my fell[-s\ls1 ,:y fret & toil1  
:y sweat & angui% = ! ?+s ( e>? :5 our  
own ,god has 9 ,8 h& su* peace & bliss &
 happ9ess to give to ,e man8 ,o come &  
receive x1 ,e man 8 %>e4  ,& ! glam\r ( 
life 9 ,unity ) ,god became pa/ all     
compreh5sion & all words4  ,is life1 !n1
 a poem8 is x a melody8 ,i _c say2 b x  
is "o long ess5ce ( delight--a h>mony ( 
fl[+ out & back aga9 to ,god4 ,o bless$ 
life6 ,o bless$ ,man6 ,o bless$ ,god6   
,,ii  ,"o morn+ 9 my room ,i began ?9k+ 
& reason+ ab\t a wond]ful *ange t ,i    
knew _h crept all ?r\gh me4 ,if ,god    
%\ld n[ come at any mom5t ( ! day or    
night & turn ov] e secret page ( he>t & 

m9d1 ,he w\ld n f9d "o ?\ght or glimm] (
 any sort or k9d ( lu/1 :e!r ( ! eye1 ( 
! he>t1 ( ! m9d1 or ( ! body2 & all 9 "o
 mom5t ,i realis$ ! miracle t ,*ri/ _h  
work$ 9 me1 & ! words came ov] my m9d1  
,?\gh ?y s9s be z sc>let1 !y %all be    
:ite z sn[4 ,& ,i /ood !re1 gaz+ be=e   
me1 spee*less1 & ! te>s ( a joy t 0 an  
agony ( gratitude p\r$ & p\r$ d[n my    
face l a ra94 ,i did n sob1 ,i c\ld n   
speak1 & v quietly ,i took my he>t & my 
m9d & my s\l & laid !m = ev] at ! feet (
 ,*ri/4  ,,iii  ,"o ev5+ z ,i knelt to  
say my pray]s1 :i* 7 nev] long1 because 
s9ce ! ,visitation on ! hill my natural 
habit--:e!r walk+1 sitt+1 work+1        
travell+1 or on my b$--_h come to be a  
cont9ual s5d+ up f my he>t & m9d !      
t5d]e/ & mo/ ador+1 ! mo/ wor%ipp+ &    
?ank+ little /ream ( ?\ghts to ,god 7v  
mu* z a fl[]1 if we c\ld b see x1 s5ds  
its sc5t to ! sun74  ,& because ?is mode
 ( pray] is s smoo? & joy\s1 s easy1 s  
unutt]ably sweet1 9 t dur+ x ! ,pres5ce 
( ,god laves u ab\t z ! sun laves !     

fl[]--s because ( ?is x 0 only = %ort & 
set times t ,i wor%ipp$ ,him z !        
creature 9 pray]s ^u its knees2 b ^? few
 mom5ts ( pray] w\ld always be int5se1 !
 he>t & ! m9d ) great p[] b5t :olly &   
s+ly ^u ,god4  ,s n[1 ?is ev5+ z ,i     
knelt & dwelt 9 great s+l5ess on ,god1  
,he drew me s p[]fully1 ,he encompass$  
me s ) ,8 glam\r1 t ?is s+l5ess &       
conc5tration ( ?\ght cont9u$ mu* long]  
?an usual on acc\nt ( ! greatness ( !   
love t ,i felt = ,him1 & ! conc5tration 
became an int5sity ( p5etration because 
( ?is magnetism1 ,he turn$ on to me1 &  
my m9d became fa9t1 & di$1 & ,i c\ld no 
long] ?9k ( or on ,god1 = ,i 0 "o )     
,him4 ,& ,i 0 /ill ,i2 ?\gh ,i 0 become 
,ineffable ,joy4  ,:5 x 0 ov] ,i rose f 
my knees1 & ,i said to myself1 = five   
wond]ful mom5ts ,i h be5 9 contact )    
,god 9 an unutt]able bliss & repose3 &  
,he gave me ! bliss t5d]ly & n z on t   
,night ( ,t]ror2 b :5 ,i look$ at my    
wat* ,i saw t x _h be5 = betwe5 two &   
?ree h\rs4  ,!n ,i wond]$ t ,i 0 n /iff1

 t ,i 0 n cold1 = ! night 0 *illy & ,i  
_h no?+ ab\t me b a little velvet       
dress+-wrapp]2 & my neck 0 n /iff1 ?\gh 
my head _h be5 ?r[n back1 z is a        
necessity 9 ,communion ) ,god2 & ,i     
?\ght to myself1 x is z if my body also 
_h %>$ 9 ! bless+4  ,& ?is mo/ bless$   
happ5+ happ5$ to me e day = a %ort :ile1
 usually only = a few mom5ts4 ,9 ?is way
 ,god ,himself caus$ & enabl$ me to     
contemplate & "k ,him2 & ,i saw t x 0 9 
"s ways at "o ) my beautiful pa/ime1 b )
 ?is trem5d\s diff]5ce 9 x--t :]eas my  
m9d _h =m]ly conc5trat$ itself ^u !     
,beautiful1 & rema9+ ,m9d _h so>$ away  
above all =ms into its nebul\s ess5ce 9 
a /range s$uctive angui%1 x n[ 0 drawn &
 magnetis$ beyond ! ,beautiful directly 
to ! ,mak] ( x3 & ! so>+ 0 l a dea? or  
swoon+ ( ! m9d1 & imm$iately ,i 0 liv+ )
 t :i* is above ! m9d3 9 ?is liv+ !re 0 
no note ( pa91 b a m>vell\s joy4  ,sl[ly
 ,i le>nt to diff]5tiate degrees (      
,contemplation1 b to my own f9d+ !re are
 two pr9cipal =ms--,passive & ,active   

7or ,high7 ,contemplation4  ,9 m$itation
 is little or no activity1 b a sweet    
quiet ?9k+ & talk+ ) ,jesus ,*ri/4 ,9   
,passive ,contemplation is ! beg9n+ (   
real activity2 m9d & s\l )\t ef=t 7?\gh 
9 a secret /ate ( great love-activity7  
raise !mselves1 focuss+ !mselves ^u !   
all-unse5 ,godhead3 n[ is no long] any  
possible picture 9 ! m9d1 ( anyone nor  
any?+1 n ev5 ( ! graci\s figure or ( !  
ways ( ,*ri/3 "h1 because ( love1 mu/   
beg9 ! %e] /raight drive ( w & he>t1 m9d
 & s\l1 to ! ,godhead1 & "h we may be   
said fir/ to comm5ce to brea! ! air (   
heav54  ,!re is no pray]1 no besee*+1 & 
no ask+--!re are no words & no ?\ghts   
save ^? t intrude & fla% unwant$ ov] !  
m9d1 b a great undivid$ att5tion & wait+
 ^u ,god3 ,god ne>1 yet nev] t\*+4 ,?is 
/ate is no ec/asy1 b smoo?1 sil5t1 high 
liv+ 9 :i* we le>n heav5ly mann]s4 ,?is 
is ,passive or ,quiet ,contemplation4   
,high ,contemplation ends 9 ,contact )  
,god1 9 ec/asy & rapture4 ,9 x !        
activity ( ! s\l 7?\gh entirely )\t ef=t

 on h] "p7 is imm5sely increas$4 ,x is n
 to be s\ght =1 & we _c rea* x =        
ourselves2 b x is to be enjoy$ :5 ,god  
calls1 :5 ,he assi/s ! s\l1 :5 ,he      
en]gises h]4  ,& !n our cry is no m1    
,oh1 t ,i _h w+s6 b1 ,oh1 t ,i might    
fold my w+s & /ay6  ,,iv  ,hav+ come s  
f> z ?is on ! ,s\l's ,great ,adv5ture   
all alone z f> z human guidance &       
companion%ip 0 conc]n$1 & hav+ = m ?an a
 ye> kn[n ! wond]s ( ! joy ( ,union )   
,god--:i* ,i did n "k or und]/& to call 
,union1 b call$ x to myself ,f9d+ ,god &
 com+ into ,contact ) ,him1 because ?is 
is h[ x feels1 & ! uns*ol>ly creature   
und]/&s & kn[s x 9 t way--well1 hav+    
come s f>1 ,i _h a great long+ to %>e   
?is k1 ?is exquisite balm1 ) my fell[s1 
& ,i desir$ imm5sely to speak ab\t x1 to
 "k h[ !y fell ab\t x1 if !y _h yet come
 to x1 or h[ f> on ! way !y 7 to x1     
because ,i 0 all fill$ ) ! beauty ( x1 z
 lov]s are fill$ ) ! beauty ( _! love4  
,b ,i 0 fright5$ to speak to !m1 some?+ 
held me back3 also !y felt to me to be s

 exce$+ly full ( ! m]e/ trifles--clo!s &
 tea-p>ties & fa%ionable fri5ds2 & ea*  
"t ,i tri$ to speak1 9 "s my/]i\s way ,i
 f\nd myself /opp$4 ,s ,i ?\ght t ,i    
w\ld speak to a fri5d t ,i _h 9 ! ,*ur*4
 ,sev]al times ,i _h he>d him prea* v   
beautiful s]mons1 & ,i felt ,i v greatly
 ne$$ ! guidance ( someone :o knew4 ,i  
want$1 ,i long$ =1 a human int]m$i>y4 ,i
 knew t ,i 0 9 ! h&s ( ! ,god ,:om = s  
_m ye>s ,i _h s passionately s\ght2 b   
,he 0 s immeasurably great1 & ,i s      
pitifully small1 & ,i ne$$ a human      
be+--someone to :om ,i might speak ab\t 
,god4  ,yet some?+ w>n$ me n to comm5ce 
z ?\gh speak+ ( myself1 b ( ano!r p]son4
 ,i said only a few words1 ( ! joy ( ?is
 p]son 9 f9d+ & lov+ ,god1 & imm$iately 
my fri5d spoke v sev]ely ( p]sons :o    
imag9$ !y _h f\nd1 & lov$1 ,god4 ,god 0 
n to be f\nd by our puny1 %ift+ &       
unc]ta9 love3 ,he 0 to be f\nd by duty1 
by ob$i5ce to ,*ur* rules1 by pi\s      
att5dance ,at ,*ur*4 ,he expla9$ to me  
v>i\s dogmas :i* help$ me no m ?an !    

moan+ ( ! w9d2 he expla9$ ! absolute    
necessity 7= salvation7 ( c]ta9 beliefs 
& writt5 s5t5ces1 & c]emonials 9 !      
,*ur*4 ,love 0 n ! way4 ,love 0 emotion1
 emotion 0 deceptive3 ! m9d1 & sev]e    
firm att5tion to ! dictates ( ,! ,*ur* 0
 :at 0 requir$2 9 fact1 he unfold$ be=e 
me ! ,ecclesia/ical ,m9d4 ,i %rank back 
f x1 dismay$1 fright5$4 ,7 all ! deep   
ne$s & requirem5ts ( ! s\l to be        
satisfi$ 9 ! s++ ( hymns & ,te ,deum1 9 
! close & rev]5t att5tion to !          
,c]emonies be=e ! alt>1 & ( ! actions ( 
,prie/s6 ,did1 or c\ld1 any reason+     
creature truly ?9k to ,f9d ,god by m]ely
 repeat+1 h[ev] rev]5tly1 ! same pray]s 
& c]emonies ,sunday aft] ,sunday6 ,c\ld 
! great m\nta9 up :i* my s\l _h sweat$1 
& :i* ea* s\l mu/ climb--c\ld x be      
climb$ by kneel+ 9 a pew 9 *ur*8 ,no2 a 
total *ange ( "* 0 ne$$1 & ,*ri/        
,himself 0 necess>y = ?is *ange--,jesus 
,*ri/ glid+ into ! he>t & m9d & s\l1 &  
bid+ !re because ( t he>t's1 t m9d's1   
invitation to1 & love =1 ,him4          

,secretly--9 "o's own *amb]1 e h\r ( !  
day1 9 ! /reets1 9 ! fields--9 ?is way x
 might be accompli%$4  ,) ,*ri/ bid+ 9 !
 he>t all ! ,*ur* s]vice w\ld become a  
?+ ( beauty z betwe5 ! ,s\l & ,god2 b   
)\t ?is ,jesus ,*ri/ dwell+ 9 ! he>t1 ! 
connection 0 n yet made betwe5 ! ,s\l--!
 s]vice--& ! ,godhead4  ,p]haps among/  
,romans ,i %\ld f9d ! und]/&+ t ,i look$
 =4 ,i _h a fri5d1 a ,dom9ican3 ,i      
approa*$ him1 & ,i c\ld see t = 7z he   
?\ght7 my own good he long$ to conv]t me
 to ! ,roman ,*ur*3 x did n seem t he   
want$1 or by any means knew h[1 to br+  
me into contact ) ,god1 b 8 ?\ght 0 to  
br+ me to ,! ,*ur*4 ,does anyone1 ,i    
ask$ him1 love ,god ) all _! he>t1 &    
m9d1 & s\l1 & /r5g?8 ,no1 said he1 t is 
h>dly possible--:at is requir$ is--2 &  
"h he gave me once m ! cont5ts ( !      
,ecclesia/ical ,m9d3 m au?oritatively1 m
 positively2 b he spoke z ,i n[ comm5c$ 
to realise all ,*ur*m5 w\ld speak--t is 
to say1 z p]sons hav+ le>nt by /udy1 by 
c>eful rule & rote1 by pap]-k1 t :i* c  

only be le>nt 9 ! _s direct f ,god4 ,h[ 
imm5se is ! diff]5ce to ! ,s\l betwe5   
?is k t comes ( ! _s & ! k t comes (    
/udy--! k :i* too easily becomes        
me*anical religion6  ,i ?\ght ( !       
beautiful & graci\s simplicity ( ! k t  
,*ri/ gives to ! s\l3 ,i saw ! nature ( 
! sore disease t afflicts ! s\l (       
,*ri/'s ,*ur*1 ,i saw also a t]rible pa9
 = ,*ri/ 9 all ?is ( :i* ,i _h previ\sly
 be5 unaw>e4  ,i 0 ?r[n back & into     
myself by x all1 & into a great         
lonel9ess z f> z my fell[-be+s 7        
conc]n$4 ,yet ,i cont9u$ to ne$ to %>e  
,*ri/ ) humanity1 pi]c+ly1 press+ly4 ,i 
w\ld g to a libr>y & f9d a book--b1 on !
 o!r h&1 ,i did n "k ! "n ( a s+le      
religi\s book or writ]4 ,s ,i wrote my  
ne$ to a fri5d1 & %e s5t me ! life ( "o1
 ,angela ( ,foligno4 ,?is book 0 a great
 delight to me1 because1 ?\gh writt5 9  
tiresome m$iaeval language1 x yet       
express$ & %>$ exactly :at ,i also knew 
& lov$1 & fold$ 9 /range wrapp+s ( !    
fa%ion ( ! ?\ght ( long ago lay ! same  

exquisite jewel t ,i also knew--! pe>l =
 :i* m5 gladly sell all t !y h 9 ord] to
 keep x--! k ( ! ,secret ( ! ,k+dom (   
,heav51 ( ! ,union ( ! ,s\l ) ,god4  ,a 
few mon?s w5t by1 & ,i wrote ask+ =     
ano!r book1 & ?is "t came ,ri*>d ,rolle 
to my acqua9tance--a little dri$-up     
h]mit1 a holy man too1 ?\gh ,i notic$ h[
 v disc\rte\s he 0 to wom52 sev]e1      
critical1 & suspici\s1 m]ely because !y 
7 wom54 ,h[ (t5 ,i notic$ ?is           
peculi>ity1 bo? 9 ! monks ( to-day ) _! 
av]t$ eyes1 z if ! %ad[ ( a woman fall+ 
on !m 7 pollution1 & long ago1 ,paul1 & 
,pet] also1 & ,moses1 & _m o!rs1 %[$    
surpris+ weakness ( intol]ance & h>%    
judgm5t aga9/ ,woman6  ,:]e 0 ,wisdom 9 
all ?is8 ,surely x 0 ,folly flaunt+ &   
laugh+ & dress+ h]self cunn+ly to       
deceive1 = did none ( ^! m51 f ,adam    
d[nw>ds--did !y nev] come to "k !mselves
 well en\gh to see t _! dang] lay n 9 ! 
,woman1 b 9 _! own incl9ation to s96    
,oh1 ! righte\sness ( ! greate/ sa9t 01 
& is1 b z du/ & a%es be=e ! righte\sness

 ( ,jesus6 & ,i came to wond] if !re ev]
 0 or c\ld be a sa9t1 save "o--,jesus4  
,b ?is ,ri*>d ,rolle1 ?is p]son s       
disc\rte\s to "s fell[-be+s1 c\ld all ! 
same be v t5d] & lov+ t[>ds ,god3 he1   
too1 held 9 8 he>t ! ,pe>l )\t ,price4  
,he1 too1 knew t m>vell\s inc5se ( !    
he>t to ,god--t song ( ! s\l1 & call$ x 
by ! same "n z ,i2 b h[ c\ld x be call$ 
by any o!r "n8 = e s\l t kn[s x1 x mu/  
ev] be ! same4 ,oh1 h[ intimately ,i    
knew ^? two p ( c5turies ago1 & h[      
intimately !y knew me6 ,a /range trio we
 made--he1 ! little wiz5$ ,engli% h]mit2
 %e1 ! ,italian woman 9 h] nun's habit2 
& ,i 9 my mod]n ,bond ,/reet clo!s3     
outw>dly we 7 inde$ incongru\s1 we _h no
 l9ks1 b inw>dly we 7 b\nd toge!r by    
bonds ( ! pure/ gold4  ,( :e!r my fri5d 
s5t me ano!r book or n ,i _c be sure2 b 
my int]e/ 0 becom+ altoge!r remov$ f !  
pa/1 because ,*ri/ 0 press+ me m & m to 
! pres5t & ! liv+4  ,v  ,god says to !  
aspir+ s\l3 ,come1 ta/e ( p>adise & ta/e
 ( heav51 & !n return ?\ to ! e>? &     

wait1 b n 9 idl5ess1 & suff] _m ?+s till
 ?\ become p]fect4  ,s ,i f\nd t 9 !    
e>li] /ages1 9 ord] to %[ me ! heights  
to :i* ,i might by p]sev]ance atta91 ,he
 turn$ ,8 ,p[] & ,glam\r on to me1 & ,i 
became a creature transfix$ & held by   
love4 ,i _h "o desire--,god2 ,i _h "o   
?\ght--,god2 ,i _h "o                   
consci\sness--,god4 ,!re 0 no ef=t ne$$ 
on my "p3 x 0 ,pure ,grace & ! result ( 
pa/ ef=ts4 ,hav+ climb$ & endur$ &      
endeav\r$ up to a c]ta9 degree1 x 0     
necess>y = fur!r advance t !re %\ld be m
 k1 & a m complete ineffaceable         
assurance4 ,he !re=e expos$ ! s\l to z  
mu* z %e c\ld enjoy ( heav5ly pleasures 
& consci\sness1 )\t dea? to ! fle%4 ,9  
^! exp]i5ces ! s\l f\nd & knew ,god to  
be ! fulfilm5t ( all desires & all ne$s4
 ,! s\l /ood /eadi$ be=e ,god 9 an      
unutt]able ,happ9ess :i* %e p]ceiv$ _h  
no limit b ,god's ,w1 & h] own capacity 
to endure ! rapture ( ,him4  ,:at is x t
 w\ld seem to det]m9e ?is immeasurable  
privilege ( ,access to ,him8 ,x w\ld    

seem to be a heal?y will+ w t[>ds ,him  
"u all circum/ances 7to beg9 )74  ,9 due
 "t ,he conv]ts ?is m]e w into a sweet  
love1 ! natural love ( ! he>t & m9d--by 
,gift ( ! ,fa!r we love ,jesus ,*ri/4   
,?is is salvation4  ,b beyond salvation 
x w\ld feel to be ?is way--aft] a fur!r 
great endeav\r & endurance on our "p1 a 
fur!r great /riv+ t[>ds ,him1 ,he w     
awak5 & prick to new life ! s\l & fill u
 ) ,holy ,love4 ,?is is ! second        
baptism1 ! baptism ( ! ,_s ( ,love4 ,?is
 is ! entry to ! ,k+dom1 & imm$iately we
 ta/e ( ! ,godhead4 ,:at ?is is1 :at ?is
 ravi%m5t ( happ9ess is1 _c be kn[n or  
guess$ till we ourself h exp]i5c$ x4  ,9
 all ?is we progress by ! communicat$   
,p[] ( ,*ri/4 ,h[ is ?is ,p[] to be     
recognis$1 h[ is x communicat$8 ,c we /&
 /ill & receive x l ! dew1 )\t "w8 ,at  
fir/1 no--b lat] x w\ld almo/ seem to be
 yes2 or else x is t ! exact attitude ( 
he>t & m9d necess>y = ! reception (     
,grace becomes s habitual1 s natural1 t 
ev5tually we come to live 9 a /ate 9 :i*

 ! communication ( ?is ,p[] becomes     
ne>ly cont9u\s--?\gh at any "t by       
neglig5ce or by a wrong attitude ( ,_s  
we fall away f x & lose x completely1 & 
9 all times ( temptation or ( te/+ we   
are cut (f f s5sible contact ) x4  ,we  
le>n !n t ,grace awaits e creature t    
attunes himself to ! ,w ( ,*ri/3 x      
awaits good & bad1 sa9t & s9n]1 x       
trans=ms ! s9n] into ! sa9t1 & b = its  
delib]ate )drawals we might suppose its 
action to be automatic1 we might suppose
 x a fix$ p[] l ! sun1 %9+ ^u wor?y &   
unwor?y alike 9 degree4 ,b ,grace is f> 
m subtle & my/]i\s ?an ?is4 ,grace is ! 
mo/ sublime1 ! mo/ exquisite secret (   
all ! my/]ies :i* exi/ betwe5 ! ,s\l &  
h] ,mak]4  99 99 99  ,i f9d t ,he works 
^u my s\l by two opposite ways3 ,he     
draws h] up to contact & sublime cont5t2
 ,he sets h] d[n to solitude & hides    
,himself3 ,he is !re1 & w n speak4  ,&  
%e suff]s horribly3 & :y n8 ,:]e is !   
inju/ice ( ?is pa98  ,c\ntless ages     
ago--:o c c\nt !m8--! s\l1 born 9 a     

palace1 has delib]ately will$ & *os5 to 
become ! ,w&]]1 ! ,/reet ,walk]2 !re=e  
fold up self-pity & lay x aside1 because
 x does n live 9 ! same h\se ) ,tru?4   
,ca/ (f self-consci\sness & pride1      
because !y are ridicul\s1 & a man c only
 be great or noble 9 j s f> z he has    
ab&on$ !m4  99 99 99  ,:at is x t (t5   
makes x s mu* h>d] = ! s\l to ref9d ,god
 :5 %e is enclos$ 9 ! male body8 ,p]haps
 ! great] /r5g? ( ! natural lu/s ( !    
male3 p]haps ! pride ( ,be+--z "l (     
creation2 or ! pride ( ,intellig5ce :i* 
says1 ,i rely easily ^u myself1 ,i ne$  
no religion ( hymn tunes1 ,i leave hymn 
tunes to wom51 = ! ard\r & capacity ( my
 manhood ru% to f> diff]5t aims4  ,b c  
any sane man ?9k t ! ,ess5tial ,be+ :o  
has creat$ ! univ]se1 ) all its inf9ite 
wond]s1 & ?is e>? ) its beauty & its    
wond]ful fle%1 & s mu* m t is n fle% b !
 /ill m wond]ful _s--c any sane man     
really ?9k t ?is ,ess5tial ,be+ is /uck 
fa/ at hymn tunes 7:i* are ,man's own   
inv5tion67 & kn[s n h[ to satisfy ! ne$s

 & long+s ( t :i* ,he has ,himself      
creat$6  ,ard5t & greatly mi/ak5 ,s9n]1 
"k & rememb] t to ,f9d ,god is to ,live 
,trem5d\sly4  99 99 99  ,o belovd ,man )
 ?y /rangely va9 & small pursuits &     
pleasures--?y pipe1 ?y w9e1 ?y wom51 ?y 
busy city life1 ?9e imm5se sagacity :i* 
once 9 tw5ty times outwits a fool or    
knave--?y vaunt$ liv+ is a bubble 9 a   
h&-bas96  ,f9d ,god & ,live6    ,,"p    
,,iv  ,i  ,x w\ld seem t lazily1        
reposefully1 com=tably1 easily1 we c    
make no entry into ! k+dom ( heav51 b   
mu/ ent] by conte/1 by great endeav\r4  
,! occasions ( ^! conte/s w be accord+  
to ! ev]yday circum/ances ( ea*         
individual2 ! /ress or di/ress ( ev]yday
 life2 = ?is is ,*ri/'s ,process--to    
take ! ev]yday woes & happ5+s ( life 9 !
 fle% & use !m = spiritual ends4 ,:at   
does ! ,savi\r ,himself tell u ( ! means
 ( entry into ! ,k+dom8 ,he uses two    
p>ables--t ( ! loaves ( bread1 & t ( !  
,wid[1 & bo? speak ( p]si/5t            
importunity4 ,if we w\ld f9d ,god1 we   

mu/ besiege ,him4  ,( entry to ,*ri/'s  
,process fir/ x is necess>y t we try 9  
ev]y?+ to please ,him3 subject+ our     
plans1 desires1 ?\ghts1 int5tions1 to ,8
 secret approval1 ask+ ourselves1 ,w ?is
 please ,him be/1 or t8  ,!n ! s\l      
comm5ces to truly "k1 & to respond to1  
,*ri/4  ,b %e is n satisfi$3 %e requires
 m4 ,woes may assail ! :ole creature3   
,*ri/ (f]s no alleviation4 ,he leads h] 
/raight into ! woes3 w %e foll[1 w %e   
hold back8 ,! po9t to rememb] "h is ?is1
 t :e!r we foll[ ,*ri/ or no we %all h  
woes3 if we =sake ,him1 we are n rid (  
woes2 if we foll[ ,him1 we are n rid (  
woes--n yet1 b lat] we become eas$1 &   
ev5 rid1 by means ( ,consolations1 =    
,god is able by ,8 ,consolations to     
entirely ov]balance ! woe & make x happy
 peace1 ?\gh ! cause ( ! woe rema9s4    
,rememb] ?is 9 ! days ( visitation1 &   
foll[ ,*ri/1 no matt] :]e ,he leads4    
,*ri/ leads ?r\gh ! woe1 because x is ! 
%orte/ way4 ,! unguid$ s\l w&]s beside !
 woe1 hat+ & fe>+ x1 unable to rid      

h]self ( x1 ga9+ no?+ by x1 suff]+ 9    
va91 & no ,companion comes to ease !    
burd5 ) ,8 company4  ,! progress ( our  
spiritual advance w\ld feel to be t     
because we become m & m aw>e ( ! failure
 ( e>?ly consolations & amusem5ts1 & m &
 m aw>e ( ! suff]+1 ! s91 & ! evil t !re
 is ab\t u1 s m & m our desires g out   
t[>ds ! good1 & m & m we turn to ,*ri/4 
,!n ,*ri/ may delib]ately make ,himself 
non-suffici5t = ! s\l1 & if ,he s does  
%e mu/ rea* out aft] ! ,godhead2 !n by  
means ( m woes ! s\l & ! creature clam\r
 m & m aft] ! ,godhead & w n be satisfi$
 ) less ?an ! ,godhead1 &1 cont9u+ to   
clam\r1 are br\ght by ,*ri/ to ! new    
bir?1 ! ,baptism ( ! ,holy ,gho/4       
,imm$iately ! s\l & creature become rid 
( ,woe2 &1 liv+ a life altoge!r ap>t f !
 _w1 9 a m>vell\s cry/al joy !y ta/e ( !
 ,godhead & ( ,et]nal ,pleasures4  ,?is 
= a %ort "t only3 we h ent]$ ! ,k+dom1 b
 are /ill ! smalle/ ( spiritual *ildr53 
t5d]ly1 wond]fully ,god c>es = u1 b we  
mu/ gr[1 we mu/ le>n heav5ly mann]s4 ,s 

,jesus ,*ri/ calls u aga91 & :]e does   
,he lead u8 ,/raight back into ! _w1 !  
daily life f :i* we ?\ght we _h escap$6 
,"h truly is a ,woe1 a ,woe worse ?an   
any ,woe we ev] _h be=e4 ,n[ we ent] !  
,c\rse ( spiritual temptations1 woes1 & 
endurances1 & 9 ! mid/ ( ! pots & pans (
 daily life ,*ri/ tea*es u heav5ly      
mann]s4  ,,ii  ,s9ce ,contemplation is s
 necess>y = ,union ) ,god & = ! s\l's   
enjoym5t ( ,god--is x a capacity common 
to all p]sons8 ,yes1 ?\gh1 l all o!r    
capacities1 9 v>y+ degrees2 b few w give
 !mselves up to ! difficulties (        
develop+ ! capacity2 & x is easy to "k  
:y1 = our natural /ate is t we "w = t   
:i* br+s ! easie/1 mo/ imm$iate1 & mo/  
sub/antially visible rew>d4  ,^? :o c\ld
 mo/ easily develop _! p[]s (           
contemplation are ^? to :om ,beauty     
speaks1 or ^? :o are delicately s5sitive
 to "s ideal1 nameless1 elusive1 t draws
 & !n retreats1 b 9 retreat+ /ill draws4
 ,! poet1 ! arti/1 ! dream] t h>nesses 8
 m9d--all c contemplate4  ,! ,?9k]1 ?9k+

 /raight ?r\gh1 ! pr(ici5t bus9ess man )
 8 p[]s ( conc5tration1 ! fir/-rate     
organis]1 ! sci5ti/1 ! inv5tor--all ^!  
m5 are contemplatives :o d n drive to   
,god1 b to ! _w or to ambition4 ,tak+   
,god z _! goal1 !y c\ld asc5d to great  
heights ( happ9ess2 ?\gh fir/ !y mu/    
give up 7sacrifice7 all t is unsav\ry 9 
?\ght & 9 liv+3 yet su* is ! va/1 !     
b\ndless ,attraction ( ,god t hav+ once 
7if only = a few mom5ts7 ret\*$ ?is lo/ 
,attraction ( ,81 we aft]w>ds are       
possess$ ) no o!r desire s p[]ful z !   
desire to ret\* ,him aga91 & sacrifice  
becomes no sacrifice4  ,truly1 hav+ once
 kn[n ,god1 we f9d life )\t ,him to be  
mean+less & z unbeautiful z a brok5 /em 
)\t its fl[]3 pitiful1 nak$1 & helpless 
z ! body ( a butt]fly )\t ! w+s4  ,,iii 
,at ?is "t ,i read ,b]gson's ,creative  
,evolution--a ma/]piece ( ?9k+ by a man 
:o1 l mo/ o!rs1 is seek+ = ,god4 ,b ,i  
am unable to read ! book ?r\gh because (
 ! pa9 x causes4 ,! pa9 is p>tly ! same 
pa9 :i* ,i knew 7& :i* ,i re-ent] aga9 9

 sympa?y ) ! writ]7 :5 ,i tri$ 9 my y\? 
to climb to ,god by ! intellig5ce & w ( 
my m9d2 b !re is also a new pa91 wide z 
an ocean1 ! pa9 ( ,compassion--= x is s 
long ?is way to ,god t ,b]gson pursues1 
s long1 s long2 & ! p>ticul> way ( ?is  
book is to me n l climb+1 b desc5d+3 x  
resembles ! fr5zi$ action ( a man se>*+ 
= lilies d[nw>ds1 digg+ ) pa9ful        
p]si/5ce 9 ! d>k e>? among/ roots4 ,h[  
mu* m joy\s to f9d ! lily :]e %e blooms1
 above 9 ! light6 ,!re is ano!r way ( ! 
,intellig5ce3 a way ( climb+ to icy     
heights1 b>e1 unw>m$ by any ray ( love1 
b less pa9ful ?an ?is desc5t among/ d>k 
roots4 ,cold1 h>d ,intellig5ce1 once to 
slip ^u ?y froz5 way is to be brok5 on  
?y pitiless bosom6 ,o ,god1 9 ?y t5d]   
pity incl9e our he>ts to seek ,!e by !  
way ( ,love6 ,= ! road ( ,love comes    
easily to k1 b ! road ( k comes n easily
 to ,love4  ,& we "k t love is above    
le>n+ & wisdom4 ,did n ,solomon *oose   
wisdom8 & we ?9k him s wise to h made   
?is *oice1 b he _h be5 f> wis] to h *os5

 holy love4 ,= wisdom lo/ h]self & him 9
 ! arms ( unwor?y love3 s we see !      
highe/ degree ( ! ,wisdom ( ,man held 9 
bondage to1 & undone by1 ev5 ! l[e/     
degree ( love4  99 99 99  ,dig deeply1 &
 :at d we f9d is at bottom our great1   
our p]si/5t ne$8 ,:at is x t in/9ctively
 we look = & desire8 ,happ9ess1 & !     
,ev]-new4  ,9 & out ( e day p]si/5tly1  
desp]ately1 endlessly we seek4 ,&       
because we seek among/ ! ne>-to-h&1 !   
visible1 ! small1 we seek 9 va93 we     
discov] !re is no?+ 9 ?is _w :i* c :olly
 & p]man5tly satisfy ei!r ( ^! desires4 
,god ,himself is ,happ9ess4 ,god        
,himself is ! ,ev]-new4  ,9 ,div9e ,love
 !re is no monotony3 ! s\l f9ds t ea*   
enc\nt] ) ,god is ev] new1 ! ,ev]-new   
tremul\s ) ! beauty ( rapture3 new &    
wond]ful z ! fir/ dawn4  ,,iv  ,n only  
is ,god a ,my/]y ( ,hol9ess1 ( ,tru?1 ( 
,love & ,beauty3 ,he is also ,g5]osity1 
a my/]y ( ,et]nal ,giv+1 & ,8 giv+ is & 
mu/ = ev] be1 ! supreme necessity ( !   
,univ]se3 = )\t ,he gave h[ %\ld we     

receive life1 tru?1 beauty1 love1 or    
,himself8  ,& x _c be too deeply        
impress$ ^u ! s\l t w\ld come to ,8     
,pres5ce t because ( ,8 law ( l to l %e 
mu/ con=m to ?is law 9 ord] to come to  
,8 ,pres5ce4 ,by ?9k+ x ov] we %all see 
t x is m difficult = u to be p]fect     
hol9ess1 p]fect tru?1 p]fect love1      
p]fect beauty1 ?an x is = u to be       
p]fectly g5]\s3 x is easi] = u to give  
,god all t we h1 to empty he>t1 m9d &   
s\l1 & worldly goods at ,8 feet1 ?an x  
is to rea* to any o!r p]fection2 =      
g5]osity appe>s to be m univ]sal1 m )9  
our capacities1 m natural to u ?an any  
o!r virtue--d we n see x cont9ually us$1
 ex]cis$1 sp5t1 ?r[n away on ! m]e/     
trifles8 ,let u take1 = in/ance1 ! t5nis
 play]3 to w9 ! game he mu/ give e ounce
 ( himself to x--m9d1 eye1 he>t1 &      
body1--sweat+ !re 9 ! gl>e ( ! sun to w9
 ! game4 ,w\ld he give himself s1 w\ld  
he sweat s1 9 ord] to f9d ,god1 or to   
please ,god8 ,oh no6 ,yet 9 ! h\r ( dea?
 & aft]w>ds1 w he be help$ by ?is       

victory ( fly+ balls8 ,if by *ance we   
c\ld lift a corn] ( ! veil1 we might    
cat* a glimpse ( ! face ( ,folly1       
mock+ly1 cunn+ly pe]+ at u1 z all too   
easily %e p]suades u to give ( our royal
 co9s ( g5]osity to wantons1 to phantom 
ent]prises1 to balls fill$ ) air1 to du/
 & vanity4  ,g5]osity is our easie/     
means ( com+ to ,god1 because x is also 
! way ( love3 if ! t5nis play] did n    
love ! game1 he w\ld n give himself s to
 x4 ,b we cry1 ,i h no?+ :atev] to give 
to ,god2 x is to ,god ,i turn 9 ord] t  
,he may give ev]y?+ to me4 ,q s3 !re is 
too mu* ( t4 ,we h ob$i5ce to give3     
ob$i5ce is a great gift to ,god1 or1 m  
tru?fully speak+1 9 ,8 magnanimity ,he  
accepts x z su*2 we h also love to give1
 & aga9 we may cry1 ,b my love is puny1 
%ift+2 x is no?+ at all1 a m]e trifle4  
,t is true ( natural love1 ( ! love t we
 comm5ce ( our own human nature to love 
,him )2 b x is n true ( ! love :i* we   
receive ( ! ,holy ,gho/ :5 ,he baptizes 
u4  ,:5 we (f] ?is ,peculi> ,love1 (f] x

 z only x c be (f]$--= love's           
sake1--imm$iately we are 9 ! ,pres5ce ( 
,god1 secretly1 m>vell\sly unit$ to     
,him2 we are 9 ! ,consolations ( ,god1 &
 we h no ne$ to ask = any?+ :atev]2     
inde$1 we f9d ourselves unable to ask1  
because we are fill$ to ! brim1 ov]fl[+1
 inexpressibly satisfi$1 utt]ly bless$4 
,b suppos+ t we d n give to ,god1 b1    
e>ne/ly seek+ ,him1 we m]ely ask "s     
fav\r1 & sit & wait = ,him to give8 ,!n 
probably we %all n be s5sible ( receiv+ 
any?+ f ,him :atev]2 we %all feel at an 
imm5se di/ance f ,him2 !n we %all become
 uneasy1 depress$1 fancy ourselves      
neglect$1 imag9e we h lo/ ,him--& s we h
 till we glori\sly recov] ,him by means 
( giv+4  ,& if at times 9 ! /ress ( ?is 
giv+1 :5 ,he makes no response1 we feel 
x is too mu*1 we c give no m1 we are too
 disc\rag$ to cont9ue1 let u rememb] !  
/ra9 & /ress & endeav\r t we & all our  
fri5ds give to trifles1 & quietly use   
our common s5se to judge :e!r 9 ! w9n+ (
 a game ( ball1 or 9 ! pleas+ & f9d+ (  

,god1 we %all be ! m bless$4 ,= ,god is 
to be f\nd3 ,he waits4  99 99 99  ,!    
tru? ab\t our endeav\rs is t we h "o    
pre-em95t1 press+ ne$ above all o!r     
ne$s1 :i* is to ,f9d ,god4 ,:5 we h     
accompli%$ ?is we discov] )\t any fur!r 
tea*+ t we no long] c>e to pass our "t )
 air-balls1 because !y appe> s paltry1 s
 inadequate4 ,we are gr[n up & are no   
long] pu]ile 9 our desires3 at ! same "t
 we are n )\t desires1 b1 on ! contr>y1 
we gl[ ) a new1 m ard5t1 & l>g] set (   
desires4  ,v  ,:at ,i "k ( ! s\l's      
actual ,f9d+ & ,contact ) ,god ,i keep v
 closely to myself4 ,"h & !re to a few1 
a v few s\ls1 ,i may speak3 to all o!rs 
,i am =bidd5 to speak4 ,i am /opp$2 & ,i
 und]/& p]fectly :y ?is is3 x is t ,i   
%\ld d m h>m ?an good4 ,anyone look+ at 
me w\ld say 7& all ! m s because ,i am  
dress$ 9 ! fa%ion ( ! day1 & n 9 "s     
peculi> way1 or 9 a nun's habit1 = su*  
trifl+ ?+s affect _m m9ds71 ,t p]son is 
dem5t$ to ?9k t %e kn[s :at x is to h   
,contact ) ,god1 & x w\ld seem a sc&al  

to !m4 ,b ! explanation ( ! my/]y is n s
 simple z ?is4 ,i am n dem5t$4 ,i nev] 0
 s sane1 s capable 9 my life z n[4 ,i   
nev] 0 s p]fectly pois$ z n[4 ,b if y   
say to me1 ,expla9 :at x is t y "k1 9   
ord] t ,i too may "k1 !n ,i c say to y  
no?+ m ?an1 ,come & "k = y\rself1 = ,god
 awaits y4  ,to illu/rate a m]e fraction
 ( ! difficulty ( pass+ su* a k f "o    
self to ano!r self1 let u take su* a    
case z t ( a man born bl9d4 ,he sits    
b5ea? a tree1 on ! grass4 ,y put a blade
 ( grass 9 8 f+]s1 & also a leaf f !    
tree1 & y say to him1 ,?is is grass1 &  
?is is ! leaf ( ! tree :i* %elt]s y1 &  
bo? are gre54 ,& :at1 he asks1 is gre58 
,& to save y\r life y _c make him "k :at
 x is1 or make him "k ! tree1 or "k !   
grass1 ?\gh he t\*es !m bo? ) 8 h&s4    
,h[1 !n1 %all ,god1 ,:o c be nei!r se51 
nor he>d1 nor t\*$1 h[ %all ,he be made 
kn[n f "o to ano!r8 ,he mu/ be exp]i5c$ 
to be kn[n4 ,& if y %\ld say to me1 ,:at
 does x feel l to h f\nd ,god8 !n ,i    
%\ld say1 ,x feels t ! ro( is lift$ (f !

 _w1 & :]ev] we may be or /& x is a     
/raight l9e f u to ,god & no?+ betwe51  
no?+ betwe51 day or night4  ,,vi  ,to   
come to ! contemplation ( ,god x is n   
necess>y to g ?r\gh any l5g?y toil1 "s  
process ( ?r[+ out ?is or t1 pa9fully1  
sl[ly1 d5y+ ! exi/5ce ( ev]y?+ 9 ord] to
 arrive at ,god4 ,! way is n d5y+1 b    
conc5trat+2 & 9 ! act ( conc5tration1   
because ( love1 all o!r ?+s :atsoev] 9  
creation fall away into no?+ & are no m1
 because ,god 9 all ,8 graci\sness      
reveals ,himself1 & !n ,he alone exi/s =
 ! enraptur$ s\l4  ,,vii  ,suppos+ t we 
h f\nd ,jesus ,*ri/1 suppos+ t we "k    
,him s well & h come to love ,him s mu* 
t our love = ,him is become /rong] ?an  
any o!r love1 v mu* /rong] ?an any o!r  
love1 & /ill1 9 spite ( hopes &         
endeav\rs1 we "k t we h n f\nd !        
,godhead1 we h n f\nd ,union ) ! ,fir/ &
 ,?ird ,p]son ( ! ,holy ,tr9ity--!      
heav5s h n1 z x 71 be5 op5$ to u to let 
our s\ls slip ?r\gh to ,god4 ,are we to 
be disc\rag$ because ( ?is8 ,are we to  

?9k ourselves less fav\r$1 less lov$8 ,a
 ?\s& times no4 ,we are1 p]haps1 9 nei!r
 he>t1 m9d1 or s\l q suffici5tly prep>$ 
= ! great ordeals t mu/ be gone ?r\gh   
aft] ,union ) ,god1 ,to f9d ,god is     
,victory4 ,b ,victory has dang]s4 ,we h 
p]haps n yet suffici5tly develop$ j ^?  
exact qualities :i* x is ess5tial we mu/
 h 9 ord] to ma9ta9 ! connection ) ,god 
9 ! face ( all ob/acles :5 once ,he is  
f\nd4 ,:5 ,god reveals ,himself to a s\l
 %e is 9 great dang]1 & %e kn[s x1      
because to fail ,him n[1 to turn away   
n[1 to be unfai?ful n[--?is is a t]rible
 disa/] to ! s\l4 ,god 9 ,8 m]cy exposes
 no s\l to su* dang]s until %e is z     
ready z may be1 b ,he bides & ,he works 
9 h] till %e is ready4 ,s x may v well  
be t x is n 9 ?is life t we come to     
,union1 b lat]2 & ! fact t we h n come  
to ,union is a sign to increase our     
ne>ness to ,*ri/ by z mu* z we c3 ! v   
smalle/ advance t we make 9 ?is life is 
( ! utmo/ value to u lat]4  ,,viii  ,!  
s\l t is seek+ ,union ) ,god mu/ n1 ^u  

any pretext :atev]1 engage itself 9     
spiritualism4 ,spiritualism may h its   
great uses = ! he>t & m9d :i* are )\t1  
or are /ruggl+ =1 belief--! he>t & m9d (
 ,?omas seek+ to t\*1 to h a pro(2 b    
rememb] ! words ( ! ,savi\r to ,?omas3  
,bless$ are !y1 ,he says1 :o h n se51 & 
yet h believ$4 ,& we d n ne$ to wait =  
dea? to receive ?is bless+1 b we receive
 x "h4 ,! s\l t w\ld f9d ,god mu/ g to  
,him by means ( ,8 ,holy ,_s1 & no o!r  
_s b ! ,_s ( ,god c take u to ,him2 & to
 try to hold communications ) ! spirits 
( m5 is n ! way4 ,! s\l t has come to   
,union ) ,god is p]fectly aw>e ( !      
exi/5ce ( spirits--is int5sely aw>e1--b 
refuses to pay any att5tion if %e wise4 
,"s ( ^! spirits are v subtle1 v kn[+2  
"s are full ( flatt]y1 & v p]si/5t2 o!rs
 pres5t !mselves z /ill 9 human =m1 &   
seek to t]rify ) _! t]rible faces1 "s   
diabolical1 "s appe>+ to be 9 a great   
agony & und]go+ *anges m a/oni%+ &      
horrible ?an c be ev5 imag9$ be=e       
exp]i5c$--& melt+ only to be re-=m$ into

 t :i* is yet m fe>ful4 ,h no?+ :atev]  
to d ) spirits4 ,d n resi/ !m :5 !y     
come1 b drop !m beh9d by fix+ he>t1 m9d1
 & s\l on ,*ri/4 ,! ,_s ( ,*ri/ easily  
ov]comes e _s1 e evil1 e fe>1 & 9 ord]  
to ourselves ov]come all su* ?+s1 we ne$
 to unite ) ! ,_s ( ,jesus ,*ri/ by     
conc5trat+ ^u ,him ) love1 & ignor+     
ob/ructions4 ,^? :o h l5t !mselves to   
spiritualism1 hop+ to f9d com=t1 a lo/  
fri5d1 or ev5 ,god ,himself1 :5 !y give 
x up 7z !y mu/ d7 !y may f9d !mselves   
greatly plagu$ by ! fires ) :i* !y h be5
 play+2 b ^! c soon be ov]come by       
dilig5tly unit+ ! he>t & m9d to ,jesus  
,*ri/4  ,,ix  ,aft] com+ to full ,union 
) ,god1 ! m9d becomes p]man5tly atta*$  
to ,him1 & ?is )\t ef=t2 b 9 ord] t x   
%all be )\t ef=t1 ! w mu/ be kept 9 a   
/ate ( lov+ att5tion to ,him1 & ?is aga9
 c only be done )\t ef=t if ! he>t is s 
full ( love t x desires no?+ else ?an   
,god2 & ?is is dep5d5t aga9 ^u ! grace  
:i* ! s\l receives f ,him because ( h]  
love & response--s n[ we see1 liv+ &    

work+ 9 our own be+1 ! reason & mean+ ( 
,8 comm&m5t to love ,him ) all ! he>t1  
m9d1 s\l1 & /r5g?4 ,x is do+ ?is aft]   
,he has ,himself giv5 u ! p[] to d x :i*
 makes u able to live 9 ! close/1 mo/   
delici\s & preci\s ne>ness to ,god dur+ 
all our wak+ h\rs4 ,b x takes "t1 & x   
takes mu* pa9 to le>n h[ to live ?is1 z 
x 71 d\ble life--?is inw>d life (       
companion%ip1 ( wond]ful & bless$ inw>d 
int]c\rse ) ,god1 & ! outw>d int]c\rse (
 ! s5ses ) ! _w1 our ev]yday duties1 &  
our fell[-be+s4 ,9 our e>ly /ages we h  
pr(\nd innum]able difficulties 9 und]/&+
 ei!r our own capacities or ,god's      
wi%es3 we are t]rifi$ ( los+ ,him1 & yet
 are (t5 bewild]$1 & pa9$ also1 by "s ( 
! high] degrees 9 :i* ,he communicates  
,himself4 ,we d n und]/& h[ to leave    
,god & return to e>?ly duties4 ,suppos+ 
t we are altoge!r wrapp$ up 9 ! company 
( ,god1 & "s fell[-be+ sudd5ly recalls u
 to ! _w 7! human voice c recall ! s\l z
 no?+ else c71 ! pa9 is s great z to be 
no?+ less ?an angui%2 & if done (t5 w\ld

 s]i\sly affect ! heal? ( ! body4  ,b 9 
a few ye>s we le>n to accompli% x )\t   
any %ock4  ,"o pa91 h[ev]1 rema9s1 & x  
gr[s4 ,i f9d myself unable to c>ry on a 
conv]sation ) anyone unless x is ab\t   
,god1 or ab\t "s "w :i* is = ,god & has 
to d ) ,8 pleasure 7& ?is is r>e1       
because p are s glu$ to worldly         
affairs71 = m ?an an h\r1 & ev5 less1   
)\t ! mo/ horrible1 ! mo/ dea?ly1       
exhau/ion1 :i* is n only spiritual b    
bodily--! face & lips los+ all col\r1 ! 
eyes _! vitality3 s dreadful is !       
di/ress ( ! :ole be+ t "o is oblig$1 ^u 
any k9d ( pretext1 to )draw f all       
companions1 &1 if x is only = five      
m9utes1 be alone ) ,god &1 :]e no eye b 
,8 c see1 unite completely ) ,him once  
m1 & imm$iately ! :ole be+ becomes      
revivifi$4 ,!re is no?+ else 9 life s   
wond]ful1 s raptur\s z ?is swift reunion
 ( ! s\l ) ,god2 & ! joy is n only ! joy
 ( ! s\l1 because ! he>t & m9d h _! fill
 ( x too1 = !y too h a*$ & ?ir/$ &      
hung]$ & long$1 & n[ are satisfi$4  ,if 

?is measureless happ9ess c\ld only be   
imag9$ by u be=e we exp]i5ce x1 h[ _m ( 
u w\ld be spurr$ to great] ef=ts in/ead 
( fall+ back among/ ! du/ & cobwebs (   
,vanity6--b x _c be imag9$1 & ! only way
 to come to x is by fai? & ob$i5ce2 & x 
is easy to see :y ?is arrangem5t is     
necess>y1 = if we c\ld imag9e x         
?or\ghly1 !n we %\ld probably try to get
 to ,god only on acc\nt ( gre$1 & %\ld  
f9d ourselves drift+ away in/ead ( t[>ds
 ,him2 x _c be done by gre$1 gre$ be+ "o
 ( ^? ?+s :i* beguil$ ! s\l away f ,him 
to beg9 )2 & ,he does n s5d ! s\l ,8    
fav\rs till %e is free (1 & has ris5    
above1 ! dang]s ( gre$ & seeks ,him =   
,himself & n = ,8 fav\rs4 ,z soon z x is
 safe = h] ,he w give ! s\l cont9ual    
fav\rs1 because ,p]fect ,love is ev]    
desir\s to give1 & is only re/ra9$ on   
our acc\nt to )hold fav\rs4 ,! s\l :i*  
kn[s h[ to make all necess>y prep>ations
 to receive ,him becomes a s\rce ( joy  
to ,god1 = n[ ,he c give & give & no h>m
 be done to t s\l2 b ,he does n acqua9t 

! s\l too sudd5ly ) all ! joy t %e is to
 ,him1 because %e w\ld n 7at lea/       
c]ta9ly my s\l w\ld n7 be able to be> ! 
k ( ! privilege t %e enjoys1 )\t "s     
dang] to h]self1--& s1 all unaw>e ( !   
s+ul>ity ( ! privilege t %e enjoys )\t  
any analysis ( h] happ9ess1 %e conc]ns  
h]self ) sweetly obey+ ,him1 ) s++ to   
,him1 & ) giv+ ,him all t %e has all !  
day long1 & s hov]s be=e ,him z         
delightful simplicity & love4  ,?is     
,union ) ,god v>ies s mu* 9 degree t x  
makes an effect ( endless v>iety4 ,yet x
 is all "o same joy1 x is ! joy ( angels
 r$uc$ to su* degree z makes x be>able  
to fle%3 ! s\l kn[s t x is ! joy (      
angels t %e is receiv+ ! fir/ "t t %e   
has x giv5 to h]3 imm$iately on receipt 
( ?is joy %e compreh5ds ! mode ( heav5ly
 liv+2 %e kn[s x is b ! out] edge t %e  
t\*es1 b :at means s mu* to h] is t %e  
has recaptur$ ! k ( ?is mode ( liv+3    
h5ce=? x is a "q ( progress1 %e b5ds all
 h] att5tion to progress s t %e may get 
ne>] & ne>] to ,god1 s t %e may d ev]y?+

 to please ?is sudd5ly ref\nd1          
unspeakably belov$ ,god4  ,%e desires to
 get ne>] & ne>] to ,god 9 spite ( ! pa9
 t %e (t5 exp]i5ces4 ,p]haps ! fir/ pa9s
 we exp]i5ce are :5 we are 9            
contemplation ( ,god & are caught by    
,god into ,high ,contemplation4 ,he w at
 times expose ! s\l to s mu* ( ! ,div9e 
,p[] t %e _c sev] h]self f ! too great  
fulness ( ,union ) ,god1 ?\gh ! body is 
cry+ to h] to d x & ! suff]+s ( ! body  
are all felt by ! s\l1 :i* is pull$ two 
ways3 all ?is is v pa9ful & makes u     
almo/ 9 a fe> ( ,god aga94 ,:y %\ld     
,p]fect ,love inflict ?is pa9 on u8 ,x  
may be to rem9d u t ,he is n only ,love1
 b ,p[]1 ,might1 ,maje/y1 & ,dom9ion    
also4 ,yet c\ld ?is ev] be =gott58 ,x   
seems incr$ible4 ,b x does n d to tru/  
to "o's s\l1 or to c\nt on :at %e w d or
 n d3 we "k t ! s\l has =gott5 almo/    
ev]y?+ ab\t ,god1 s mu* s t we are n[   
?ankful to arrive ev5 s f> z be+ q c]ta9
 t ,he exi/s6 ,:at inf9ite k9dness t ,he
 %\ld cons5t & condesc5d to ,himself be 

h] ,tea*]6 ,b ,he does s condesc5d1 & ! 
m ! s\l rele>ns ( ,god1 ! m %e also     
le>ns t ,he is nev] we>y ( work+ = u    
all3 ?is keeps ! s\l 9 a /ate ( int5se  
gratitude4  99 99 99  ,:5 ! s\l arrives 
at ,union ) ,god1 does %e rema9 always 9
 ,union8 ,yes1 b n at ! degree ( ,union 
:i* is ,contact4 ,:at is ! diff]5ce8 ,x 
c p]haps be mo/ easily expla9$ 7?\gh    
extremely imp]fectly7 by ref]r+ to !    
union ( m>ri$ life4 ,9 ?is union1 ?\gh  
we live 9 "o h\se1 we are n always bo? 9
 t h\se at ! same "t2 b ?is does n      
dissolve our union1 & we bo? "k our way 
to return !re1 & ! "r to meet is always 
ours4 ,:5 we are bo? 9 ! h\se1 al?\gh n 
9 ! same room1 !re is a mu* ne>] feel+  
ab\t x1 & we are apt to give a mom5t>y  
call "o to ! o!r1 j to h ! pleasure (   
response3 yet1 ?\gh we are aw>e ! o!r "o
 is 9 ! h\se & t !re is no "p ( ! h\se  
:]e we are =bidd5 to meet--x is n en\gh2
 love requires m3 x w be necess>y = "o  
to g & seek ! actual pres5ce ( ! o!r 7! 
s\l does ?is by a quiet pray] ) p]haps a

 few words1 b m probably no words74 ,!  
"o f9ds ! o!r "o2 b ! o!r "o is occupi$1
 s ! "o waits pati5tly 7?is is passive  
contemplation71 & sudd5ly ! occupi$ "o  
is s con/ra9$ by love = ! wait+ "o t he 
mu/ turn to h]1 op5 wide 8 arms1 &      
embrace h]--!y meet1 !y t\*1 !y are     
cont5t4 ,9 spiritual life ?is is contact
 or ec/asy or rapture4 ,"h comes 9 !    
imm5sity ( ! diff]5ce betwe5 joys       
physical & joys spiritual--physical joys
 be+ limit$ to five s5ses3 spiritual    
joys be+ above s5ses & op5 to limitless 
v>iations2 b 9 ord] t ^! may be kn[n 9  
_! fulness1 we mu/ ev5tually 7aft] leav+
 ! fle%7 rise to imm5se heights (       
p]fection3 ! joys enjoy$ by ! ,ar*angel 
w\ld de/roy a less] angel3 ! degree (   
joy t invigorates ! sa9t1 t s5ds him    
into rhapsodies ( happ9ess1 w\ld de/roy 
! s9n]--7becom+ insupportable agony to !
 s9n]74 ,?is cele/ial joy is1           
fundam5tally1 a "q ( ! endur+ ( "s      
un-nameable en]gy4 ,h[ c en]gy be a     
means ( ?is immeasurable ,div9e joy8    

,aft] ye>s ( exp]i5ce ,i f9d ,i _c g    
back ^u ! k t ,i acquir$ on ! v fir/    
occasion ( exp]i5ce--t en]gy is a       
fundam5tal pr9ciple ( ! my/]y4  ,b h[1 x
 may v well be ask$1 d s9s int]f]e ) !  
reception ( ?is activity8 ,s9s are all  
imp]fections1 ?ick5+s ( ! s\l f self-w3 
pure s\l is necess>y = ! happy reception
 ( ?is cele/ial activity1 & because     
impurities are automatically dissipat$  
by ?is activity1 & ! dissipation or     
disp]sion ( !m is ! mo/ awful agony     
conceivable :5 too sudd5ly done1 :at is 
bliss to ! sa9t is ! extremity ( torture
 to ! s9n]4 ,n[ we come v fe>fully &    
dreadfully to und]/& some?+ m ( !       
mean+s1 ! happ5+s1 ( ! ,judgm5t ,day4   
,*ri/ w inflict no direct wilful        
puni%m5t on any s\l2 b :5 ,he pres5ts   
,himself be=e all s\ls & !y behold ,8   
,face1 imm$iately !y w receive ! t]rible
 might ( ! activity ( cele/ial joy4 ,!  
reg5]at$ w endure & rejoice2 !          
unrep5tant s9n] w agonise1 & he mu/ flee
 f be=e ! ,face ( ,*ri/1 because ! agony

 t he feels is ! disp]sal ( 8 imp]fect  
s\l2 & :]e %all ! s9n] flee1 :]e %all he
 g to f9d happ9ess8 = sa9t & s9n] alike 
desire happ9ess1 & !re is 9 ,_s-life    
only "o happ9ess--! ,bliss ( ,god4 ,s !n
 let u be c>eful to prep>e ourselves to 
be able to receive & endure ?is         
happ9ess1 ev5 if x c at fir/ be only 9 a
 small degree1 s t we %all n be condemn$
 by our own pa9 to leave ! ,pres5ce (   
,god altoge!r & consequ5tly lose        
,cele/ial ,pleasures2 let u at lea/     
prep>e ourselves to rema9 ne> en\gh to  
"k some?+ ( ?is trem5d\s liv+4  ,x 0 ?is
 ,div9e ,activity :i* on ! night ( !    
,too ,great ,happ9ess s angui%$ my      
imp]fect s\l4 ,b t night1 & t angui%1   
taught my s\l :at %e c\ld nev] h le>nt  
by any o!r means1 & :at x 0 ,i le>nt ,i 
f9d myself unable to pass on to anyone2 
b t night 0 = my s\l ! turn+-po9t ( h]  
de/9y1 t night alt]$ my s\l = ev]more2 t
 night ,i knew ,god z deeply z ,he c be 
kn[n :il/ ! s\l is 9 fle%4  99 99 99    
,god uses also a peculi> draw+ p[]4 ,all

 s\ls feel+ desire t[>ds ,god are to a  
great] or less] degree consci\s ( ?is1  
&1 z we "k1 frequ5tly rema9 consci\s ( x
 z a desire & no?+ fur!r to ! end ( life
 9 fle%4 ,by means ( x ,he draws a s\l  
t[>ds ,himself until1 because ( x1 !    
:ole be+ is will+ to make ef=ts at      
self-improvem5t1 & ?is is ! ess5tial3 x 
is ?is clean+ up ( ! "*1 ?is            
purification1 :i* alone c br+ u to !    
po9t :]e we c receive ,god's            
communications ( ,himself 79 o!r words1 
ec/asies & p]iods ( reunion )           
,cele/ial-liv+74 ,ec/asies inspire &    
awak5 ! s\l3 !y conv9ce ! m9d absolutely
 ( ! exi/5ce ( ano!r =m ( liv+ & ( ,god 
,himself4  ,aft] ec/asy ! ef=ts ( !     
entire be+ are b5t on try+ to p]fect    
itself1 & extraord9>y ,graces may be    
freely & almo/ cont9ually giv5 to u 9   
ord] to make improvem5t m rapid = u4 ,! 
feel+ = ,god :i* be=e ec/asy 0 a deep 7&
 (t5 v pa9ful7 long+ = ,god n[ increases
 to a burn+1 nev]-ceas+ desire = ,him3  
only ?ree ?\ghts c be said to truly     

occupy a p]son f ?is /age onw>ds--h[ to 
please ,god1 h[ to get ne>] to ,him1 h[ 
to %[ practical gratitude4 ,he may      
increase ! fl[ ( ,8 ,p[] to a s\l till  
%e is 9 great di/ress1 long+ to leap out
 ( ! body ow+ to ! imm5sity ( ,god's    
attraction4 ,?is attraction at times has
 a v real & s5sible effect ^u ! body3 x 
feels to c\nt]act gravity1 x makes !    
body feel s light x is ab\t to leave !  
gr\nd2 x affects walk+1 & unacc\ntably  
*anges x to /agg]+4 ,to receive ?is     
attraction c be an ec/atic condition1 b 
is by no means ec/asy4 ,s long z we h   
p[] to move ! body by w we are n 9 true 
ec/asy4 ,9 ec/asy ! body feels to be    
disconnect$ 9 "s unacc\ntable mann] f ! 
w2 x lies in]t1 ?\gh x kn[s itself &    
kn[s t x /ills lives--:i* fundam5tally  
diff]5tiates x f sleep1 because 9 sleep 
we d n "k our body1 we d n "k if we are 
alive or dead1 we "k no?+4 ,9 ec/asy is 
no su* blankness3 m]ely ! body is p]=ce 
in]t1 x w\ld be entirely =gott5 b = its 
p]iods ( di/ress4  ,nei!r c ec/asy be   

confus$ ) dream+1 by ev5 ! mo/ simple   
p]son4 ,9 dream+1 objects & ev5ts ( a   
famili> type /ill surr\nd u2 ! total    
inconsequ5ce ) :i* !y pres5t !mselves   
alone makes dream-liv+ unlike actual    
liv+1 = x rema9s fundam5tally ( ! same  
type--physical & full ( p]sons1 =ms1    
objects1 & ^w-?\ghts4 ,we c procure     
sleep by will+ x1 b we _c w to procure  
ec/asy3 we f9d x totally indep5d5t ( w4 
,! ,attraction ( ,god c be a p5etrat+   
pa91 because ! s\l1 t]ribly drawn to    
,god1 exce$+ly ne> ,him1 yet rema9s     
unsatisfi$ ev5 9 ?is close proximity4   
,:y8 ,because %e is be+ subject$ to "o  
,=ce only--%e longs1 %e rema9s ne>1 &   
receives no?+4 ,god is n be/[+ ,8       
,activity ^u h]1 :i* is ! way t %e kn[s 
,him--%e is n liv+ ! cele/ial life4  ,x 
is ! comb9ation ( ! two ,=ces work+     
toge!r simultane\sly on & 9 ! s\l :i*   
diff]5tiates ec/asy & rapture f all o!r 
degrees ( ,god-,consci\sness4 ,:5 ^! two
 ,p[]s "w toge!r1 we exp]i5ce cele/ial  
liv+1 full ,union1 ! bliss ( ,contact4  

,x _c possibly be said t 9 ec/asy we see
 ,god3 x is a "q ( kn[+ ,him ?r\gh !    
high] "p ( ! s\l1 9 less] or 9 deep]    
degrees4  ,x  ,if ! ,div9e ,lov] gives  
su* joys to ! s\l1 h[ does ! s\l give   
joy to ! ,div9e ,lov]8 ,is %e beautiful8
 ,%e becomes s4 ,also ! s\l is a poet ( 
! fir/ wat]1 ?\gh %e uses no words2 & ! 
s\l is a weav] ( melodies1 ?\gh %e makes
 no s\nd2 b above all1 & be=e all1 ! s\l
 is a great lov]4 ,n[ we "k 9 ?is e>?ly 
life t a lov] desires above ev]y?+ else 
! love ( h] :om he loves4 ,only :5 %e   
:om he loves returns 8 love1 c he truly 
enjoy h]4  ,s also ! ,div9e ,lov]4 ,o   
incomp>able ,love6 ,love gives all :5 x 
gives itself1 love receives all :5 x    
receives ,love4  ,by love1 !n1 ! s\l is 
! ,delight ( ,god4  ,,xi  ,! s\l feels  
to be =mless2 ?\gh we become aw>e ( a   
spread+ :i* causes h] to feel ( ! =m ( a
 cup or a disc :5 %e receives ,god1 & 9 
contemplation %e feels to ext5d--flame-l
 until %e meets ,god4 ,%e c wait =      
,god--spread1 b _c ma9ta9 ?is =m = long 

)\t ,god rejoices h] by ,8 t\*4 ,h[ c s 
=mless a ?+1 /ill wait+ = its ,spiritual
 ,body1 be beautiful8 ,%e is beautiful  
because ( ! col\rs %e is able to assume3
 %e c gl[ ) su* col\r z no fl[] on e>? c
 ev5 fa9tly imitate4 ,cele/ial col\rs   
are beyond all imag9ation4 ,z ! s\l gr[s
 9 purity & is able to endure an        
increase ( ! ,div9e ,radiations &       
,p5etration1 s %e *anges h] col\rs2 by  
h] col\rs %e delights ! eye ( h] ,mak]1 
,he t\*es h]1 %e becomes yet m          
beautiful4  99 99 99  ,v e>ly 9 ! morn+ 
,god walks 9 ,8 ,g>d5 ( ,s\ls1 & 9 !    
ev5+ also1 & 9 ! noonday1 & 9 ! night4  
,! s\l t kn[s ,him kn[s ,8 approa*1 &1  
prep>+ & adorn+ h]self = ,him--waits4   
,,xii  ,does ,god come & g8 ,! s\l feels
 ,him !re1 & n !re4 ,is %e mi/ak5 9 ?is1
 & ,god always to be possess$1 b %e n   
dress$ to receive ,him8 ,if ?is is s1 !n
 h[ griev\sly frequ5t is our failure6   
,x is m enc\rag+ to our own /ate to     
suppose t ,god l5ds ,himself & )draws2 t
 ,he w be possess$2 & ,he w n be4 ,b ?is

 involves caprice4 ,c ,p]fect ,love h   
caprice8  ,we f9d t grace c be receiv$  
)\t int]mission = weeks1 ev5 mon?s1     
toge!r4 ,)\t com+ & dep>t+ 7al?\gh 9    
less] & great] int5sity7 ! ,pres5ce (   
,god1 ,love & ,com=t1 envelop ! s\l4 ,s 
!n we le>n by our own exp]i5ce t ,god is
 will+ to be pres5t among/ u cont9ually 
9 ,8 ,second & ,?ird ,p]sons4  ,yet1    
al?\gh ,he is pres5t 9 ,8 ,two ,p]sons1 
! s\l is n fill$3 %e is unspeakably ble/
 & happy1 b n :olly satisfi$ till ,he is
 pres5t to h] 9 ,8 ,fir/ ,p]son also4   
,%e kn[s imm$iately :5 ,he s comes1 & !n
 ! ,?ree become ,"o1 & :5 ,!y become ,"o
 to h]1 9 t mom5t ! s\l ent]s ,bliss4 ,x
 is true t if ,he s came to h] v        
frequ5tly1 ! s\l c\ld n endure ,him2 b  
c]ta9ly %e c\ld endure ,him m frequ5tly 
?an %e receives ,him4 ,x is n because %e
 is wor?y t %e possesses ,him3 ! s\l    
nev]1 "u any circum/ances1 feels wor?y3 
x is love alone :i* enables h] to       
possess ,him1 & ?is love t %e kn[s h[ to
 %$ to ,him is ,8 own gift to h]4  ,s ! 

s\l cries to ,him1 ,o my/]y ( love1 0   
ev] su* sweet graci\sness z lives 9 !e3 
su* exquisite felicity ( giv+ & receiv+1
 9 :i* ! giv] & receiv] 9 my/]i\s       
rapture ( g5]osity are on$6 ,& ?is my/]y
 ( love is n 9 paucity ( ways1 b 9      
m>vell\s v>iety ( ways & ( degrees--!   
ways ( fri5d%ip1 ! bro!r & ! si/]1 ! "m 
& ! *ild1 ! y\? & ! maid51 & ,?yself &  
we4  ,love makes ! s\l pond] on ,8      
ta/es1 ,8 w1 ,8 nature4 ,does ,he pref] 
ev5 9 heav5 to possess ,himself to      
,himself 9 ,8 ,fir/ ,p]son8 or are !re  
p>ts ( heav5 :]e ,he is ev] will+ to be 
possess$ 9 ,8 fulness3 :]e ,he is       
et]nally beheld 9 ,8 ,?ree ,p]sons by   
su* z c endure ,him8 ,! s\l believes x1 
& ?is is ! goal %e /rives = bo? n[ &    
h]eaft]4  ,yet !re is ,t ( ,him :i* is =
 ev] ,alone1 :i* w nev] be kn[n or %>$  
by ! greate/ ( ! ,angels4 ,! s\l        
compreh5ds t ,he w h x s because ( t    
,solit>y :i* sits )9 h]self1 %e :o is   
made aft] ,8 lik5ess4  ,,xiii  ,= _m    
ye>s be=e com+ to ,union ) ,god1 ,i f\nd

 t x _h become impossible to say m ?an a
 little pray] ( "s five or six words1 & 
^! 7 said v sl[ly3 at times ,i 0 a/oni%$
 at my inability1 & a%am$ t ^! pitiful  
%r$s 7 all t ,i c\ld (f]1 & always !    
same ?+ too2 ,i tri$ to v>y x--,i c\ld  
n4 ,:5 ,i tri$ to say "s f9e s5t5ce1 :5 
,i tri$ ev5 to ask = some?+1 ,i c\ld n2 
x all disappe>$ 9 a feel+ ( su* sweet   
love = ,god1 & ,i m]ely said aga9 ! same
 old words ( e day4 ,i lov$4 ,i c\ld d  
no?+ m ?an say s1 & !n /ay !re on my    
knees = a little :ile1 v ne> ,him1      
fasc9at$1 ador+4 ,b ,god is n vex$ ) a  
s\l :5 %e _c say mu*4 ,is an e>?ly fa!r 
vex$ :5 8 *ild1 /&+ !re be=e him1 =gets 
! words ^u its lips1 =gets to ask1      
because x loves him s8 ,f> f x4  ,?is   
pray] is ! comm5cem5t1 ! =eta/e1 (      
,contemplation4 ,a di/+ui%+ m>k betwe5  
?is pray] & ,contemplation is t 9 ev5 ! 
l[e/ degree ( ,contemplation ,god 7if "o
 may s express ! inexpressible7 is      
,localis$4 ,hi!rto ,8 ,pres5ce has be5  
ne>--b we _c say h[ ne>1 or :]e1 & we _c

 be sure ( f9d+ x4 ,aft] ,union we are  
c]ta9 ( f9d+ ,god's ,pres5ce ev]y:]e1 & 
at any "t4 ,he may at times be f> away1 
or pay no att5tion to u2 b we "k        
:]eab\ts ,he is1 & we c g & wait outside
 t place :]e ,he has hidd5 ,himself &   
:i* is no place 7b a figure ( spee*73   
,he m]ely disappe>s f our consci\sness1 
b n s entirely b t we c p>tly f9d ,him4 
,all ?is _c be expla9$1 b aft] ,union   
,god is z pres5t to ! s\l 9             
,contemplation 7& f> m s because ( !    
great poignancy ( x7 z is a             
fell[-creature :om we actually see &    
t\*1 mu* m s because betwe5 ourself & a 
fell[-creature1 h[ev] de>1 is always a  
b>ri]3 try z we may !re is always a     
divid+ l9e betwe5 two p]sons4 ,we are   
two3 we rema9 two4 ,b :5 we meet ,god   
!re is no?+ betwe5 u & ,god1 no?+ :atev]
 divides u1 & yet we are n lo/ 9 ,god--t
 is to say1 we d n disappe> z a liv+    
individual consci\sness1 b our          
consci\sness is increas$ to a prodigi\s 
degree1 & we are ,"o ) ,god4  ,,xiv     

,?is ,on5ess1 9 a t9y degree1 c be      
exp]i5c$ by two p]sons :o are 9 close   
spiritual sympa?y :5 bo? are            
simultane\sly & p[]fully animat$ by v   
lov+ ?\ghts ( ,*ri/1 or are work+       
toge!r1 & giv+ on acc\nt ( ,*ri/3 !n a  
fluid int]*ange ( sympa?ies & int]e/s   
takes place 9 :i* ! b>ri]s (            
individuality g d[n4  ,?is same fluid   
int]*ange 9 a /ill less] degree takes   
place 9 ord9>y fri5d%ip betwe5 two      
fri5ds ( simil> ta/es2 b ?is int]*ange  
mu/ always be ) ! m5tal & ! high] "p (  
u1 x c nev] take place because ( ! m]ely
 physical1 = 9 ! physical1 dep5d5t z x  
is ^u s5ses1 b>ri]s always exi/3 we see 
?is 9 ! union ( lov]s--_! union is m]ely
 a transitory self-gratification1 al?\gh
 x may include ano!r self 9 t x is      
mutual2 b m frequ5tly x is n ev5 mutual1
 & :at is a pleasure to "o is at ! mom5t
 di/a/eful to ! o!r1 ?\gh ! "o c easily 
conceal f ! o!r t x is s1 prov+ h[      
complete ! duality ( consci\sness & (   
feel+ rema9s betwe5 two individuals :o  

dep5d ^u contiguity ( sub/ance 7or !    
s5se ( t\*7 = _! union1 & n ^u spiritual
 simil>ity3 9 spiritual simil>ity alone 
is id5tity ( feel+ & p]sonality & p]fect
 union to be f\nd1 & 9 ?is id5tity      
deceit is impossible4  ,,xv  ,! m we    
inve/igate ! "q ( satisfactions ! m we  
f9d t ^!1 9 ord] to be p]man5t1 mu/ take
 place ^u a v high level1 ^u a plane    
above mat]ialism4 ,h[ev] mu* we may )   
our s5se ( ta/e enjoy a d9n] to-day1 x w
 be no joy :atev] ev5 a week h5ce4 ,!   
natural ev]yday facts %\ld 7& are int5d$
 to7 prove to u ! futility ( giv+ s mu* 
"t & ?\ght to ! pleasures ( ! fle%3 ^!  
pleasures lead n[h]e1 !y end abruptly1  
!y are v limit$1 be+ conf9$ to five     
s5ses1 & consequ5tly1 ow+ to a necessity
 ( cont9ual repetition1 satiety         
sup]v5es1 & !re rema9s no?+ else to turn
 to4 ,yet :5 ?is happ5s we are really v 
=tunate1 because x may be a cause ( our 
se>*+ among/ our high] faculties = our  
gratifications4  ,,xvi  ,! s\l f9ds x   
bitt]ly h>d to rid h]self ( selfi%ness &

 self-w3 %e gets rid ( "o =m1 only to   
f9d h]self fall+ to ano!r4 ,:5 fir/ my  
s\l reknew ! ,joy ( ,god ,i said to     
myself1 ,i w hide x 9 my own bosom1 ,i w
 keep x all to myself4 ,i am become     
indep5d5t ( all creatures1 ,i want none 
( !m1 ,i _c be> ! sight or ! s\nd ( !m1 
h[ joyfully ,i leave !m all beh9d6--,i  
want only my ,god--,i want--,b :at is   
all ?is8--,i want1 ,i w1 ,i1 ,i1 ,i1 ,i6
 ,lat] ! days come :5 ,god hides        
,himself f me3 ,i c g & wait at ,8      
?re%old 7because :5 %e kn[s ! way ,he   
nev] d5ies ! s\l ! ?re%old1 ?\gh ,he    
d5ies h] ,himself74 ,i may p\r out all !
 sweetness ( my love1 b he makes no     
response2 ,i may s+ to ,him all day3 ,he
 w n he>2 ,i may give ,him all t ,i am  
or h1 & ,he w n communicate ,himself to 
me4 ,!n ,i rememb] all ! ye>s ( my      
/riv+1 ,i rememb] ! /ress1 ! sweat ( all
 t climb to ,8 foot/ool--! sweat t at   
times 0 l drops ( blood wrung out ( !   
s\l1 out ( ! he>t1 out ( ! m9d2 & yet   
all =gott5 9 ! in/ant ( ! rapture (     

,f9d+4 ,did ,he !n beckon & draw &      
delight ! s\l only to madd5 ) ! angui% (
 m hid+ & m /riv+3 0 ,he to be f\nd only
 t ,he might aga9 be lo/8 ,my s\l sick5$
 ) fe>1 & ,i said1 ,love is a calamity2 
:o c release me f ! angui% ( x8 ,o ,god1
 s9ce ,i may no m possess ,!e1 grant t  
,i may %ortly pass into ! du/ & = ev] be
 no m1 s t ,i may escape ?is pa9 ( kn[+ 
,?y ,p]fections & my own necessity =    
,!e2 & ,i m\rn$ = ,him till my heal?    
w5t4  ,weeks pass$1 & ?ree words came   
con/antly to me3 ,visit my sick4 ,b ,i  
did n li/53 ,i 0 sick myself ) a deadly 
w\nd4 ,almo/ e day ! same ?ree words    
came2 b ,i turn$ away res5tfully f !m1  
say+ to myself1 ,:at h ! sick to d ) me8
 ,i am we>y ( sick p3 ,i h be5 s mu* )  
!m4 ,mu/ ,i accept ! sick 9 place ( !   
ec/asy ( ,god8 ,i m\rn = ! loss ( ,god4 
,i c *e] no sick4  ,! words came aga91 )
 excessive g5tl5ess1 & ! g5tl5ess 0 l ! 
g5tl5ess ( ,*ri/1 & x pi]c$4 ,s t day ,i
 g to ! village & visit ! sick aga91 &  
,i look at !m t5d]ly & lov+ly1 & t5d]ly 

& lov+ly !y look at me1 & "s say1 ,x is 
z if ,god came into ! h\se ) y2 & te>s  
come to my eyes1 & ,i say1 ,x may be s1 
because ,he s5t me1 & !y gaze at me     
lov+ly1 & lov+ly ,i gaze at !m2 & x     
seems to me t ,i c no long] tell :]e !y 
cease & :]e ,i beg91 & ! sweetness1 !   
peculi> sweetness1 ( ,*ri/ pi]ces me    
?r\gh f my head to my feet--t sweetness 
t ,i h n kn[n = weeks4 ,& s ,i compreh5d
 t ,holy ,love is n alone j ,!e & me1 b 
x is also ,!e & me & ! o!rs1 & ,!e & !  
o!rs & me4  99 99 99  ,i want$ my own   
way4 ,! way ,i want$ 0 to be free 9 ord]
 to wor%ip & bless ,god 9 a beautiful   
place1 9 "s place t ,i %\ld *oose4 ,i   
want$ to wor%ip ,him1 & to s+ ,him !    
,song ( ! ,s\l f "s quiet hill among !  
olive trees by ! ,m$it]ranean ,sea4 ,i  
want$ ?is m>vell\s1 ?is almo/ t]rible1  
joy ( meet+ ,god 9 a beautiful place t  
,i %\ld *oose3 ,i want$ x s t x became  
spiritual gre$--spiritual               
self-indulg5ce4  ,duty1 heavy-w+$ duty1 
prev5t$ my tak+ ! j\rney2 duty to an    

always-contr>y relation1 n[ unwell4 ,x 0
 only a little ?+--j a j\rney prev5t$1 b
 x cross$ my self-w2 & 9 an impati5t1   
dete/able way t ,i h1 ,i want$ to pu%   
all duty1 ev5 all human relation%ips1   
any:]e ^u "o side1 or ov] ! edge ( ! _w1
 s !y might all fall toge!r out ( my    
sight & ,i be free6  ,because ,i ?\ght  
^! ?\ghts1 ,i came to ! ,place (        
,tribulation4 ,& ! ,mess5g] came1 & he  
said1 ,escape1 & ! way is cons5t+4 ,b ,i
 said1 ,no1 ,i w n h t way1 ,i w escape 
by "s o!r way4 ,s ,i tri$ e o!r way1 b  
f\nd x gu>d$ by some?+ :i* seem$ to be  
arm$ ) a hamm]2 b ,i p]si/$3 !n = days &
 nights my s\l /ood up to ! hamm]s &    
receiv$ t]rible bl[s1 & /ill ,i         
p]si/$--,i w\ld f9d a way to escape t   
%\ld please my w4 ,b ,i c\ld n eat1 ,i  
c\ld n sleep1 ! fle% visibly less5$ on  
my bones1 & at la/ ,i loa!d myself & my 
own w & my own s\l1 & ,i cri$ to ,god1  
,%all ,i nev] be ?r\gh ) ?is t]rible    
/ruggle ) self-w8 & groan$ al\d 9 my    
despair4  ,!n ! words t 7 s5t long ago  

to a sa9t1 & t he 0 inspir$ to write d[n
 to help u all1 n[ came & did _! "w = me
 ?r\gh him3 ,my grace is suffici5t = !e4
 ,& s ,i f\nd x1 & m ?an suffici5t--:5  
,i cons5t$4  ,:o is x1 :at is x1 t s    
puni%es ! s\l8 ,is x ,god8 ,no4         
,pati5tly1 lov+ly ,he waits4 ,our pa9 is
 ! difficulty ( cons5t+ to p]fection3 e 
virtue has a hamm]1 e p]fection a long  
two-edg$ sword2 & ! puni%m5t we feel is 
! break+ & w\nd+ ( self-w "u ! hamm]s ( 
! virtues & ! sword-?ru/s ( ! vision (  
p]fection4  ,put aside ^! wret*$1 ^!    
sometimes awful & t]rible1 battles &    
puni%m5ts1 %r9k f !m :5 !y come1 & we   
may put aside salvation4 ,accept !m--/& 
up to ! hamm] & take ! bl[s & le>n3     
cons5t to ! sword t pi]ces up to ! hilt1
 & :at d we come to8--,! ,blisses (     
,god4    ,,"p ,v  ,i  ,aft] com+ to     
,union ) ,god1 our pray]s become        
entirely *ang$1 n only 9 ! mann] (      
pres5t+ !m1 b *ang$ also 9 :at is       
pres5t$4 ,petition+ is a h>d ?+4 ,i _h  
f\nd x easy to pray = o!rs :e!r ,i lov$ 

!m or n1 ) ! lips & ) "s ( ! he>t2 b ,i 
f\nd t ,i c\ld n d x 9 ! new way1 ) all 
my he>t1 m9d1 s\l1 & /r5g?1 s t ev]y?+  
else fl$ away into no?+ & 0 no m1 except
 t = :i* ,i petition$ ,god4 ,a p]fect   
conc5tration = ! welf>e ( a /rang] or ( 
"s cause 0 a v h>d ?+2 yet ,i 0 made    
aw>e t ,i mu/ le>n to d x4  ,= two or   
?ree ye>s ,i suff]$ pa9 & exhau/ion ov] 
?is petition+2 ,i w\ld be s fatigu$ by  
x1 f\nd x s great a /ra91 t ,i said to  
myself1 ,i %all lose my heal? ov] ?is   
petition+1 = z ,i d x1 x is z ?\gh ,i   
gave my life-en]gy = ! cause or p]son = 
:om ,i pray4 ,b my ,good ,angel :isp]$  
me n to give 91 b cont9ue to be will+1  
cont9ue to be g5]\s1 no matt] ! co/4 ,i 
am n g5]\s1 b ,i w5t on ) x1 & secretly 
_h ! greate/ dread ( x2 my :ole nature  
%rank f ! ef=t1 f ! /range loss (       
vitality ?is petition+ br\ght4  ,!n at  
la/1 aft] m ?an two ye>s1 because (     
rema9+ will+1 because ( try+ to rema9   
g5]\s ab\t ?is1 to me1 mo/ griev\sly h>d
 pray]1 "o happy day ,god lift$ away all

 ! /ra9 & difficulty1 all ! pa9 &       
fatigue1 & turn$ x into ! sweete/ (     
pray]s3 into a new song1 a new honey1   
new music1 a new delight1 9 :i* ! s\l   
has1 z x 71 b to sip at ! nect> ( ,8    
,love & ,b5efic5ce1 to br+ x to a       
fell[-s\l4  ,i f\nd t ,god causes ! s\l 
to pray ?is joy\s1 ?is exquisite1 pray] 
= total /rang]s1 pass]s-by 9 ! /reet1   
fell[-travell]s by road & rail1 "h &    
!re1 ?is "o & t1 %e kn[s :i* "o x is3 h[
 surpris$ ^! p]sons w\ld be if !y knew t
 a total /rang]1 :o nev] saw !m be=e &  
nev] w see !m aga91 0 joy\sly1 lov+ly1  
hold+ !m up be=e ,god = ,8 help & ,8    
bless+6 & !y receive ,8 bless+4 ,god    
does n prompt su* pray]s = no?+4 ,is ?is
 favoritism8 ,no2 !y are secretly seek+ 
,him4  ,,ii  ,:5 ! s\l is unit$ to ,god 
a great *ange comes ov] ! m9d1 :i* n[   
?9ks cont9ually1 lov+ly1 ( ,god4 ,god n 
m]ely hop$ =1 look$ =1 z 9 ! pa/1 b ,god
 f\nd & kn[n1 ,god close & ne>2         
int]ruptions come & g1 b ! m9d1 l a     
p5dulum1 sw+s back to ,god1 no?+ /ops x2

 ! s\l /reams to ,him3 %e discov]s ,him 
ev]y:]e3 %e kn[s h] way to ,him1 & %e   
has n f> to g4 ,h] own door is also ,8  
door4 ,!re are _m degrees ( int5sity    
ab\t ?is condition1 :i* c increase to   
su* an ext5t z to entirely int]f]e ) our
 ev]yday duties4 ,:5 x is increas$ to   
?is degree x w\ld appe> 7c]ta9ly at     
times7 to be on purpose to tea* ! s\l a 
self-abnegation :i* %e c\ld n o!rwise   
le>n1 because1 toge!r ) an int5se1 almo/
 t]rible1 attraction & desire to be     
alone ) ,god1 w come ! pressure ( a duty
 :i* x is obvi\s ,god w\ld wi% u to     
att5d to3 ?is is a sev]e & a v cont9ual 
lesson to ! s\l--! lesson ( le>n+       
pati5tly to cont9ue "s sordid "w 9 ?is  
_w1 aft] f9d+ ! joys ( ! spiritual life4
  ,:at are among/ ! mo/ noticeable      
*anges 9 ! m9d8 fir/1 we notice x has   
become v simple 9 its requirem5ts1 & v  
re/ful2 x no long] d>ts "h & !re ga!r+ 9
 ?is & t ( fanci$ treasures1 z a bird   
d>ts at flies2 x has dropp$ outside     
objects1 9 ord] to hov] ar\nd ?\ghts (  

,god1 :i* at ! same "t are n            
p>ticul>is$1 b1 z x 71 quietly1         
cont5t$ly1 float 9 a g5]al & peaceful   
fragrance ( beauty4  ,ord9>ily ! m9d    
w\ld f9d x difficult to hov] 9 ?is way )
 su* a s+l5ess ( int5t1 b 9 c]ta9 o!r   
cases we see ! same cont5tm5t--9 ! "m   
beside h] babe3 ?\gh %e may n talk to x1
 or t\* x1 %e is happy2 %e kn[s x ne>2  
%e is secretly giv+ to x4 ,we see x 9 ! 
babe also3 x gazes at its "m & is quiet2
 if ! "m removes h]self1 ! *ild may cry2
 no "o has hurt x--m]ely1 x has ceas$ to
 be happy because ! object ( its desire 
has gone too f> f x1 has disappe>$4 ,we 
see x also 9 two lov]s2 !y sit ne>      
toge!r1 & ! m !y love ! few] words !y   
require to speak3 !y are happy3 !y      
require v few words1 v few ?\ghts4      
,sep>ate !m1 & !y sp5d _! "t uneasily 9 
s5d+ messages1 9 ?9k+ numb]less ye>n+   
?\ghts :i* become pa9ful1 &1 if cont9u$ 
= long1 c affect ! heal?4 ,put !m toge!r
 aga91 & !y b>ely say two words3 _! joy 
at meet+ occupies ! :ole ( _! att5tion4 

,x is ! same :5 we love ,god4 ,! he>t1 &
 ! m9d1 & ! s\l are blissfully cont5t1  
!y are 9 a love-/ate1 !y bask 9 ,8      
,pres5ce2 b t we %\ld be aw>e ( ,8      
,pres5ce--?is is ,8 gift1 ?is is ! va/  
diff]5ce betwe5 our =m] & our pres5t    
/ate4  ,:5 we h become exp]i5c$ 9 ?is   
,pres5ce ( ,god1 ! ,reason tries v      
e>ne/ly to compreh5d ! mann] ( x4 ,*ri/ 
says t :5 love is e/abli%$ betwe5 ,god &
 a man1 ,my ,fa!r & ,i w come to him &  
make our abode ) him4 ,h[ c su* a       
trem5d\s ?+ z ?is be c>ri$ out )\t1 z x 
71 burn+ ! man up ) ! greatness ( x8    
,does ,god1 !n1 :5 exp]i5c$ feel to be a
 ,fire8 ,yes1 & no1 = we feel t we %all 
be consum$1 & yet x is n burn+ b a      
blissful en]gy ( ! mo/ inexpressible &  
unbe>able int5sity1 :i* has ! feel+ (   
dis9tegrat+ or disp]s+ fle%4 ,! exp]i5ce
 is blissful to he>t & m9d only s long z
 x is giv5 )9 c]ta9 limits3 beyond ?is x
 is bliss-agony1 beyond ?is x w\ld soon 
be dea? to ! body2 & ! s\l feels t 9 h] 
imp]fect /ate x c soon easily be !      

disp]sion ( h]self also3 ?is is a v     
t]rible feel+3 ?is does n be> rememb]+  
or ?9k+ ab\t4 ,h[1 !n1 c x be possible t
 ,god c take up ,8 abode ) u & we /ill  
live8  ,9 all contacts ) ,god we notice 
"o fact pre-em95tly--!y d n take place )
 ! m9d1 b ) t :i* 0 previ\sly unkn[n to 
u1 & :i* communicates ! joy & !         
realities ( meet+ ,god to ! m9d4 ,:at is
 ?is8 ,x does n live 9 ! he>t3 x lives1 
or feels to live1 9 ! upp] cavity ( !   
*e/1 above ! he>t1 & bel[ ! ?roat-base4 
,x c endure ,god4 ,x is _s1 x feels to  
be a high] "p ( ! s\l3 we might call x !
 ,intellig5ce & ,w ( ! s\l1 because x   
acts = ! s\l z ! m9d acts = ! body1 x is
 above ! s\l z ! m9d is above 7m        
important ?an7 & rules an arm or leg4 ,!
 m we exp]i5ce ,god1 ! m we are =c$ to  
compreh5d t we h 9 u an especial organ 9
 ?is _s ) :i* we c communicate ) ,god & 
by :i* we c receive ,him )\t ! m9d or   
body be+ de/roy$4 ,= :5 ,god takes up ,8
 abode ) a man ,he w communicate        
,himself to ?is lov+ ,_s-,w or          

,intellig5ce 9 ec/asies4 ,& ?r\gh ,8    
,son ,he w communicate ,himself 9 ano!r 
mann]1 to ! he>t & m9d1 s graci\sly1 )  
su* a t5d] c>e1 t )\t ! /ress ( ec/asy  
we are kept 9 a delicate & mo/ bless$   
,aw>5ess ( ,god4 ,9 ^! ways we c "k1 ev5
 9 fle%1 ! beg9n+s ( ! true love-/ate1 !
 beg9n+s ( ! angelic /ate1 :i* is ?is   
same love-/ate br\ght to completion by  
,behold+ ,god4  ,,iii  ,al?\gh ?is      
bless$ condition ( ,aw>5ess ( ,god is a 
gift1 & at fir/ ! m9d & s\l are ma9ta9$ 
9 x )\t ef=t on _! "p1 x be+ accompli%$ 
= !m solely by ! p[] ( ! ,grace ( ,god1 
yet lat]--& some:at to _! dismay aft]   
receiv+ su* fav\rs--!y discov] t x mu/  
be work$ = 9 ord] to be ma9ta9$4 ,! he>t
 mu/ give1 ! m9d mu/ give1 ! s\l mu/    
give3 :5 !y nei!r "w nor give !y may f9d
 !mselves receiv+ no?+3 ,god ceases to  
be pres5t to !m4 ,g5]osity on our "p is 
requir$4 ,x works out 9 exp]i5ce to be  
always ! same ?+ t is ne$$ = our p]fect 
heal? & happ9ess--reciprocity4 ,)\t we  
ma9ta9 ?is reciprocity we %all exp]i5ce 

extraord9>y disappo9tm5t4  ,,iv  ,! s\l 
is n[ bl9d3 we "k ?is by exp]i5ce2 b d  
we "k t %e ev] _h sight8 ,if %e did n1 b
 0 creat$ imp]fect1 & 0 s creat$ 9 ord] 
t only by "w & m]it %e %\ld arrive at   
completion & p]fection & ,behold ,god   
7in/ead ( m]ely1 z n[ 9 ?is _w1 be+ able
 only to appreh5d ,him by ! retrospect (
 ,8 effect ^u h]71 !n %e 0 always bel[  
angels4 ,if ?r\gh "w & ob$i5ce %e       
becomes s rais$ t %e m]its sight & !    
actual ,behold+ ( ,god1 !n %e becomes   
equal to angels because ( ?is ,behold+2 
& s ,*ri/ tells u t %e does z ! ,*ild ( 
! ,resurrection4  ,x is ! inability ( ! 
s\l to compreh5d1 aft] exp]i5c+ ! bliss 
( ,union ) ,god1 h[ %e came to emb>k ^u 
?is w&]+ & sep>ation1 :i* s presses !   
,reason = an explanation ( ! fall ( !   
s\l4  ,x may be t n all s\ls are fall51 
b t "s are m]ely 9 process ( progress+  
to sight4 ,^! are ,righte\s ,s\ls4 ,b   
!re are m s\ls also creat$ sightless1 :o
 are fall5 by curiosity1 by infidelity  
or pla9 self-w & =getfulness--^! x is :o

 ne$ ! ,r$eem]3 ,i come n to call !     
,righte\s1 b s9n]s to rep5tance4 ,f ?is 
x w\ld seem t !re are s\ls :o1 ?\gh !y  
are 9 ?is _w1 are yet fundam5tally      
righte\s3 n fall51 b work+ to receive   
sight4 ,x is inconceivable to ! s\l t1  
_h %e ev] ,beheld ,god1 %e c\ld h left  
,him1 b n inconceivable to h] t1 hav+   
nev] ,beheld ,him1 %e may h be5         
unfai?ful on h] road to ,sight4 ,%e     
und]/&s ?is awful possibility aft] com+ 
to ,union ) ,him f ?is e>?1 because !n  
%e le>ns ! imm5se difficulties ( ma9ta9+
 ?is sightless ,union4  ,%e kn[s !      
t]rible solitude & te/+ x entails1 & !  
innum]able temptations :5 l[-spirit$ &  
lonely to turn to int]e/s & consolations
 ap>t f ,god2 = ,god w frequ5tly1 9 !   
lat] /ages ( progress1 )hold e          
consolation & com=t f ! s\l1 leav+ h]   
solit>y4 ,w %e /ay8 ,w %e g8  ,v  ,we   
hope = mu* f education2 b :at education 
is x t w be ( endur+ value to u8 ,is x !
 education :i* tea*es u ! gramm>s (     
=eign languages1 sci5tific facts1 !     

dates :5 w>s 7 won1 :5 k+s asc5d$ _!    
?rones1 pr9ces di$1 arti/s pa9t$ _!     
ma/]pieces1 t w br+ u to our f9e/       
opportunities ( success8 ,to ! s\l !re  
is little great] or less *ance ( success
 (f]$ by ! degree ( poli% 9 ! education 
we h ! money to procure3 ! peasant :o _c
 read or write may a*ieve ! purpose (   
life be=e ! savant3 we "k x )\t c>+ to  
ackn[l$ge x to ourselves3 ! education t 
we really require is ! education ( daily
 conduct1 ! education ( "*1 ! education 
by :i* we say to ,self-w1 to ,pride1 &  
to ,lu/s1 ,lie d[n6--& !y d x6  99 99 99
  ,:5 a s\l kn[s h]self1 has rep5t$ &   
become r$eem$1 %e kn[s all o!r s\ls1    
good or bad3 !re are no long] any       
secrets = h]1 no "o c hide himself f h]3
 %e sees all ^! op5 & liv+ books1 reads 
!m1 & avoids judg+ & bitt]ness 9 spite (
 ! selfi%ness1 /upidity1 & frailty      
reveal$ on e page3 %e f9ds ! same faults
 9 h]self2 selfi%ness1 /upidity1 &      
weakness are engrav5 ^u h]self2 ! r$eem$
 & enlight5$ s\l ) te>s p]petually      

corrects ^! faults3 ! un5light5$ s\l    
does n--?is is ! diff]5ce betwe5 !m4    
,,vi  ,= "s "t aft] com+ to ,union )    
,god we rema9 conv9c$ t all n[ be+ s    
well ) ! s\l all w be well ) ! body     
also1 & ! heal? does improve & become m 
/able2 b ! day comes :5 we le>n t ,god  
is n conc]n$ ) sav+ fle%1 & t ! body mu/
 %>e ! usual fate--we %all cont9ue to   
suff] ?r\gh x4 ,b we also discov] t !re 
c be a m>vell\s amelioration to ?is     
suff]+4 ,by rais+ ! consci\sness to its 
highe/--t is to say1 by liv+ ) ! highe/ 
"p ( ! s\l & wait+ ^u ,god--we c        
exp]i5ce su* v great ,grace t !         
poignancy1 ! di/ress1 ( pa9 disappe>s4  
,= in/ance1 ! foll[+ is f my exp]i5ce4  
,tr\ble has come1 tr\ble ( sev]al k9ds3 
! dea? ( "o v de>2 sev]e illness to     
ano!r2 = my bro!r a s]i\s op]ation2 =   
myself a slight "o1 b a v pa9ful "o--9  
f9e1 a v>iety ( trials all com+ toge!r z
 !y h a way ( do+4 ,i feel t]ribly n]v\s
 & fe>ful ( ! pa9 ( my own op]ation & my
 bro!r's also3 he is ! bro!r :o once    

sav$ my life1 he is ! be+ :o m ?an      
anyone on e>? ,i h mo/ lov$ s9ce e>ly   
*ildhood4 ,s ,i hang on to ,god4 ,i hang
 to ,him1 n by besee*+ ,him to relieve  
or release me f any ( ^! inevitable     
happ5+s1 b by ! way ,i h s sl[ly be5    
le>n+1 9 :i* a creature1 by means &     
because ( love1 passes out ( itself & is
 able to h& ov] to ,god ev]y?+ :i* x is 
or has or ?9ks or does1 & 9 ex*ange     
receives ,8 ,peace4 ,s ,i h& ov] my     
bro!r & my dead & my anxieties = self   
into ,8 h&s1 & ,i g to my op]ation ) !  
same s]5ity t ,i %\ld g to meet a fri5d4
 ,i notice t ,i am m calm1 less n]v\s1  
?an anyone else4  ,! anae/hetic fails   
be=e ! op]ation is complet$3            
consci\sness returns & becomes aw>e (   
atroci\s pa9 & blood-soak$ busy         
in/rum5ts4 ,yet by ,grace ( ,god ! m9d &
 s\l are able imm$iately to raise &     
ma9ta9 !mselves 9 high consci\sness (   
,god1 & ! op]ation c be f9i%$ )\t a cry 
or movem5t ( ! body3 no automatic %r9k+ 
takes place4 ,& ?is ,grace is cont9u$ = 

days aft]w>ds1 s t 9 recall+ ! tortur+  
incid5ts1 & ?\gh ! pa9 ( w\nds cont9ues 
sev]e en\gh to int]f]e ) sleep1 yet my  
m9d rema9s q calm1 l a quiet lake ov]   
:i*1 )\t ruffl+ its wat]s1 hangs a      
mi/--a tranquil %r\d ( pa9 t has no /+1 
no fe>1 no fret4  ,,vii  ,aft] com+ to  
,union ) ,god ,i nev] lack$ any?+1 & ?is
 dur+ ! mo/ difficult times ( ! w>1 & "u
 e & all circum/ances4 ,be+ c>eful to   
try & obs]ve h[ ?is 0 work$1 ,i saw x 0 
v naturally & simply done by ev]yone be+
 giv5 an impulse to help me1 always )\t 
any reque/ to !m on my "p3 ! port]1     
besieg$ by tw5ty p]sons1 w\ld be bl9d to
 all &1 com+ /raight to me1 w\ld (f] 8  
s]vice2 ! taxi-driv]1 hail$ by a wait+  
mob1 _h eyes & e>s = no "o b myself1 yet
 ,i _h made him no sign except by look+ 
at him4 ,! same ) ! coal m]*ant & 8     
coal1 ! same ) all tradesm51 ! same )   
s]vants4 ,i nev] lack$ any?+ = "o h\r3 b
 ,i cont9ually ask$ ,*ri/ to help me4   
,s9ce com+ to ,union ) ,god1 ,i h _h    
innum]able trials1 "s ( !m tortures1 b h

 be5 br\ght safely out ( e "o4 ,i       
aft]w>ds f\nd t ea* trial 0 exactly :at 
0 ne$$ = ! alt]ation ( "s objectionable 
*>act]i/ic 9 myself4 ,no trial t came 0 
unnecess>y4 ,:5 its "w 0 accompli%$1 !  
trial disappe>$4  99 99 99  ,c x be said
 t ,union ) ,god 9 ?is _w entails ^u u  
increas$ suff]+s "h8 ,yes4 ,b ^! suff]+s
 are n ow+ to abnormal occurr5ces3 no?+ 
w happ5 :i* is n ! common lot (         
humanity2 m]ely we are caus$ to feel t  
:i* we d exp]i5ce1 v acutely2 & aft]    
,union ) ,god all e>?ly consolations mu/
 be ab&on$3 until we ab&on ^! we d n "k 
h[ we h dep5d$ on !m1 h[ !y h protect$ u
 f depression1 lonel9ess1 bor$om1 &     
discont5t4 ,ab&on all ^! e>?ly          
consolations & int]e/s1 & at ! same "t  
be ab&on$ by ,god 7s5sible ,grace is    
)drawn71 & imm$iately our suff]+s become
 v sev]e1 ?\gh our outw>d circum/ances  
may appe>1 & may actually rema91 ( ! v  
be/4 ,if our h\se is a f9e "o1 we mu/   
live 9 x completely deta*$ f its        
attractions3 ! same ) reg>d to our      

fri5ds1 our amusem5ts1 our weal?1 & all 
our possessions4 ,x is obvi\s t 9 le>n+ 
to d ?is we %all (t5 suff]4 ,! s\l has  
pa9fully to le>n t )\t ,god's ,grace !re
 is no virtue1 no righte\sness1 & no    
sanctity3 %e le>ns by go+ =w>d ^u       
,grace--p]haps to "s great height3 !n   
,grace is )drawn1 ! s\l falls back1 &   
feels to fall l[] ?an %e ev] 0 be=e1 &  
usually %e falls ov] a trifle4 ,amaz$1  
unspeakably surpris$ & humiliat$1 &     
a%am$1 ! s\l le>ns to "k h]self--to "k  
h]self ) ,god1 to "k h]self )\t ,god4   
,:5 %e is ) ,god1 !re seems no height to
 :i* %e _c rise3 ?is gives great c\rage3
 m & m %e ab&ons ev]y?+ di/a/eful to    
,god 9 ord] to unite h]self m securely  
to ,him4  ,we h no suff]+s t are n      
useful to u4 ,look+ back on my life1 ,i 
see h[ _m tr\bles ,i suff]$3 h[ (t5 my  
heal? suff]$ 7mal>ia & sun fev]s1 &     
lightn+ & its consequ5ces73 h[ ,i 0 &   
/ill am kept 9 a some:at fragile /ate ( 
heal?1 ?\gh q free ( all actual disease4
 ,i see 9 ?is frailness1 especially dur+

 ! e>li] ye>s ( my life1 an imm5se      
protection3 giv5 full & vigor\s heal?1  
comb9$ ) my selfi% & passionate         
temp]am5t1 & ,i "k v well ,i %\ld h     
fall5 9 any & all k9ds ( dang]s at all  
times4 ,i 0 n to be tru/$ ) robu/ heal?1
 & ev5 aft] all ! m]cies & bless+s ,god 
has %[]$ ^u me ,i d n tru/ myself4 ,i   
/ill rema9 ! s9n]1 fundam5tally &       
pot5tially at e /ep ! s9n]4 ,b ,love &  
,grace surr\nd ! s9n]4 ,love & ,grace   
save ! s9n] f himself3 ,love & ,grace c 
beautify & make ! s9n] %9e4  ,my        
physical suff]+s are n to be comp>$ ) ! 
suff]+s ,i see o!rs endure1 & endure    
*e]fully3 ?is is a great %ame &         
humiliation to me1 because ,i h n le>nt 
to suff] *e]fully3 ,i am too easily     
undone by suff]+ & by ! sight ( suff]+ 9
 any liv+ ?+2 b al?\gh "o may be a      
c[>d--t is to say1 "o may inw>dly %r9k f
 e k9d ( suff]+1--"o c be1 & x is       
necess>y to be1 q submissive2 & to      
refra9 f ! slighte/ rebellion or        
selfi%ness--?is is :at ,god takes note  

(4 ,:at a diff]5ce !re is betwe5 !      
selfi% & ! unselfi% suff]]3 h[ ! "o     
makes ev]yone ar\nd him mis]able1 we>s  
!m out body & s\l2 & h[ ! o!r calls out 
all t is be/ 9 o!rs & /r5g!ns all t is  
be/ 9 himself6 ,x is n s important :e!r 
we are secretly c[>ds or h]oes2 :at     
matt]s is h[ we deal ) suff]+s :5 !y    
come1 :at reaction we p]mit or enc\rage 
on _! acc\nt 9 he>t & m9d & s\l4 ,!re is
 no?+ b suff]+ t c cleanse u1 no?+ b pa9
 & mis=tune :i* c s ?or\ghly conv9ce u (
 our own no?+ness1 & break self-pride3  
joy w n d x2 joy c d no?+ m ?an refre% u
 aft] our suff]+s1 & 9 almo/ all lives  
we see h[ joy is made to alt]nate )     
sorr[3 x enc\rages1 x /imulates to fur!r
 endeav\rs 7?is is ! reason t ,god1 at a
 c]ta9 /age ( progress1 gives           
extraord9>y blisses1 ec/asies1 & s on71 
b x does n disp]se our blemi%es3 !      
disp]sal ( spiritual blemi%es is1 z we  
"k1 ! ma9 reason ( life 9 ! fle%2 x mu/ 
be done1 & ! soon] ! bett]3 !n we c     
f9i%1 once & = all1 ) fle% exi/5ce4     

,righte\s & v virtu\s p may be able to  
disp5se ) ,div9e joys & consolations3 x 
is d\btful if _m s9n]s c--!y require !  
confid5ce1 ! c]ta9ty1 ! en?usiasm :i* is
 naturally k9dl$ by su* exp]i5ces4 ,s !n
 we f9d t ! vicissitudes ( life1 !      
endless daily trials1 d n g because we  
f9d ,god4 ,b ,8 ,grace comes1 & :5 ,8   
,grace is ) u wet or %9e is all "o1 love
 & beauty g5tly sp>kle ev]y:]e2 & !n !  
he>t cries out to him1 ,e day is l a    
jewel1 e day ,i see ! :ole _w deck$ &   
g>l&$ ) all ! beauty ( ,?y m9d3 ea*     
tree1 ea* fl[]1 ea* bee or bird tremul\s
 ) ! life & wond] ( ,?y creative +5uity6
 ,ea* day is a new jewel set ^u !       
necklace ( my ?\ghts ( ,!e4  ,,viii  ,"o
 ( ! trials t we h to endure z beg9n]s  
is a joyless1 flat1 ungraci\s condition2
 a k9d ( p>alysis ( ! s\l1 a dre>y      
torpor4 ,:5 we w\ld approa* ,god--pray  
to ,him--,he is n[h]e to be f\nd3 ,he   
has disappe>$1 & ev]y?+ to d ) f9d+ ,him
 is become h>d "w1 su* h>d "w t x       
sudd5ly seems to u q unpr(itable3 we    

sudd5ly rememb] a numb] ( outside ?+s   
:i* we w\ld f> soon] d3 we try to pray1 
b ! pray] goes n[h]e-9-p>ticul>2 x has  
no en?usiasm1 no =ce beh9d x3 has pray] 
!n sudd5ly re-become a duty8 ,?is is    
t]rible2 :at %all we d--%all we ask ,god
 to help u8 ,:5 we d1 we d x 9 s        
halfhe>t$ a mann] t our pray] feels to  
m]ely float ar\nd our own head l "s     
mis]able mi/4 ,we feel c]ta9 t ?is      
joyless1 )]$ /ate w endure to ! end (   
life on e>? 7! conviction t our unhappy 
condition is p]man5t is *>act]i/ic ( all
 sev]e trials1 because if we suppos$ !  
condition or difficulty only mom5t>y x  
w\ld n produce a suffici5t trial1 &     
consequ5t ef=t to ov]come x on our "p74 
,?is trial 7?\gh x may n always be a    
trial1 b an actual blemi% ( ! s\l1 a    
s]i\s lack ( unselfi% love :i* mu/ at   
once be /r5u\sly correct$7 is giv5 =    
sev]al reasons--we h become1 p]haps1 too
 gre$y ( enjoym5t ( pray]3 or we h come 
to take ?is joy\sness ( pray] = grant$3 
or we h come to ?9k we are uncommonly   

clev] at kn[+ h[ to love & to pray2 t we
 "k s well h[ to d x t we c d x ( our   
own p[] & capacity )\t ,god's assi/ance4
  ,or ! trial may be s5t n = any ( ^!   
reasons1 b solely 9 ord] to increase !  
/r5g? & p]sev]ance ( our love to ,god1 &
 ( our ,g5]osity4  ,?is is "o trial1 &  
ano!r is t ,god all[s u to become       
conv9c$ t ,he has no?+ m to give u1 ,he 
)draws ,8 graci\sness f our appreh5sion2
 ,he leaves u z a t9y1 unwant$1         
mean+less speck1 alone 9 a va/ univ]se4 
,x w\ld be idle to say t ! s\l does n   
suff] f ?is *ange2 b ^! suff]+s are j   
:at %e requires 9 ord] to develop       
c\rage1 humility1 endurance1 love1 &    
g5]osity4 ,^! two trials--! "o :5 love  
is all dri$ up on our "p1 & ! o!r :5 we 
?9k love mu/ be all dri$ up on ,god's   
"p--are ! f9e/ possible tra9+ & ex]cise 
= ! s\l1 b !y are only su* if ! s\l     
tries ard5tly to ov]come !m3 x is 9 !   
ef=t to ov]come t virtue is le>nt1      
progress made4   ,!re is "o mo/ spl5did 
rem$y4 ,is x ask+ ( ,god8 ,no1 x is giv+

 to ,god4 ,we give ,him ?anks & we bless
 ,him1 & we tell ,him t we love ,him1 & 
we d x ) all our he>t1 m9d1 s\l1 &      
/r5g?1 & ?is becomes possible ev5 ?\gh a
 mom5t ago we 7 s f> f ,him1 s tepid1   
seem+ly s e/rang$3 x becomes possible   
because we rememb] all ! wond]ful ?+s t 
,god has done = u & giv5 u1 & made = u1 
& suff]$ = u2 & 9 rememb]+ ^! x is      
impossible b t love & gratitude1 l a    
tor* ( en?usiasm1 w pres5tly fl>e up 9  
u4  ,if ,god nev] gives u ano!r ?+1 we w
 adore ,him = ,8 k9dness 9 ! pa/1 we w  
adore ,him = ,himself1 = :at ,he is4    
,desolation & tepidity vani%4 ,joy      
returns1 ! trial is ov]2 b x w come aga9
 p]haps a few h\rs h5ce1 or to-morr[1 or
 e day = weeks3 ! rem$y is ev] to be    
reappli$1 & ! rem$y :5 ?or\ghly appli$  
nev] fails 9 imm$iate efficacy2 b x has 
to be con/antly repeat$3 nev] let ! he>t
 & m9d =get ?is4  ,,ix  ,! he>t1 m9d1   
s\l1 & w "w toge!r & lead toge!r !      
reasonable e>?ly exi/5ce2 b !re is ano!r
 "p ( ! s\l1 a high] "p1 :i* has its own

 intellig5ce1 :i* leads no e>?ly        
exi/5ce1 has no direct recognition (    
mat]ial be+2 ?9ks no e>?-?\ghts1 judges 
by no man-made /&>ds1 s9s no e>?-s9s4   
,has ?is "p ( ! s\l1 !n1 nev] s9n$8 ,x  
feels t x has s9n$1 ?\gh x _c say h[ or 
:51 b x feels t ?is s9 0 direct z betwe5
 itself & ,god1 & is ! cause ( its      
sep>ation f ,god2 & x feels ?is s9 to h 
be5 an infidelity4 ,x is ) ?is "p ( !   
s\l t we s9 ! un=givable s9 aga9/ !     
,holy ,gho/1 :i* _c be s9n$ by m]e      
natural man3 7"h we t\* ! my/]y ( ! two 
ord]s ( s9n+ :i*1 to ! initiat$1 are se5
 bo? to be cov]$ by ! same comm&m5ts74  
,?is high] "p ( ! s\l m\rns & longs =   
,god ) a t]rible long+1 & c be consol$1 
satisfi$1 by ,god only2 ,he communicates
 ,himself to ?is "p ( ! s\l4 ,s9s ( he>t
 & m9d d n injure x1 b ret>d x3 x _c be 
corrupt$ by mat]ial liv+1 because x does
 n connect itself directly ) e>?-liv+1 x
 responds to ,god alone2 b e>?ly s9s    
delay x1 p>alyse its p[]s1 po/pone      
indef9itely its return to ,god4 ,is x   

?is "p ( ! s\l :i* we ord9>ily speak ( z
 ! ,w8 ,x _c be1 s9ce x is ) our ,w t we
 cons5t to e>?-s9s4 ,h we1 !n1 two      
,wills8 ,x is reasonable & x con=ms )   
exp]i5ce to say t we h two ,wills--a    
,_s-,w conduct+ ,_s-liv+1 & a ,reason+  
or ,m9d ,w1 conduct+ ! affairs (        
e>?-liv+3 ! l[] "p ( ! s\l is !         
meet+-place & ! int]m$i>y betwe5 ^! two 
7(t5 oppos+7 ,wills1 x is ! gr\nd ^u :i*
 !y "w & h _! fruitions4  ,! ,_s-,w is !
 ,w by :i* we f9ally become unit$ to    
,god4 ,be=e reg5]ation we are unaw>e 9  
any ke5 degree ( its exi/5ce2 b x may   
exi/ = u 9 a vague & confus$ mann] z an 
incompreh5sible1 undef9$ ye>n+3 we _c   
satisfy ?is ye>n+1 because we d n "k :at
 x requires = its satisfaction4 ,x is   
above consci5ce3 consci5ce has its seat 
9 ! l[] s\l1 !re x deals ) ! affairs (  
e>?ly life4 ,?is ,_s-,w is s f> above   
consci5ce 7:i* c be us$1 cultivat$1     
improv$1 or de/roy$1 accord+ to our own 
desire7 t x is n giv5 into ! keep+ or   
cognisance ( ! natural man1 b rema9s    

unkn[n1 inop]ative until reawak5$ &     
impregnat$ ) r5ew$ vig\r by direct ,act 
( ,god 9 ! reg5]at$ man4 ,?is awak5+1   
?is re9vigoration1 w\ld seem to be      
synonym\s ) ! ,baptism ( ! ,holy ,gho/4 
,if x is awak5$ only by ,act ( ,god1 9  
:at way c we be held responsible ab\t x8
 ,our responsibility1 our "p1 our       
opportunity is to s ord] ! l[] or e>?-w 
t ,god %all see u to be prep>$ = !      
awak5+ ( ! ,_s-,w4  ,?is ,_s-,w1 once   
awak5$1 is nev] aga9 %ut out f direct   
communication ) ,god4 ,ev5 :5 ,grace is 
)drawn1 ?is ,w-,_s c come be=e ,god &1  
no b>ri] betwe51 "k ,him !re2 al?\gh ,he
 may d5y x all consolation & leave x    
langui%+1 x yet reta9s ! consolation (  
its "o supreme necessity--t ( kn[+ x has
 n lo/ ,him4 ,x waits4  ,x  ,l kn[s l3 x
 does n "k its opposite1 b is drawn     
t[>ds its opposite be=e & )\t kn[+ x3 "h
 we h ! cause ( ! condesc5sion ( ! ,good
 t[>ds ! imp]fect1 & ( ! aspiration ( ! 
imp]fect to ! p]fect long be=e x c "k ! 
p]fect4 ,)\t ?is attraction ( l to      

opposite ! imp]fect c\ld n become !     
p]fect 7we desire1 are drawn to ,god1   
long be=e we are able to "k ,him74 ,!   
imp]fect is able to become ! p]fect by  
cont9ually aspir+ to x3 x gradually     
becomes l4 ,!re are no b>ri]s 9 _s-liv+1
 !re=e !re is no?+ to prev5t ! s\l      
becom+ p]fect1 save its own w-failure4  
,! b>ri] exi/+ betwe5 mat]ial- or       
physical-liv+ & _s-liv+ c only be       
ov]come 9 & by a man's own s\l3 9 ! s\l 
^! two =ms ( liv+ c meet & become kn[n  
by ! "o individual1 :o c live alt]nately
 9 ! two modes1 b x is necess>y t ! w & 
pref]5ce %all be cont9ually giv5 & b5t  
t[>ds spiritual-liv+1 physical-liv+ be+ 
accept$ pati5tly & z a cross4 ,!n fle%  
ceases to be a b>ri] to spiritual-liv+4 
,?is is ! "w ( ,*ri/ & ( ! ,holy ,gho/4 
,because ! s\l has recaptur$ ! k ( ?is  
raptur\s liv+ we are n to suppose t x is
 possible to cont9ually enjoy x "h or   
introduce its glories into social &     
worldly liv+3 x is betwe5 ! s\l & ,god  
only2 b e>?-life c & %\ld by ?is k be   

entirely readju/$4  ,,xi  ,are we       
correct 9 say+ or suppos+ t ?is _w ) all
 t we see 9 x 7because p]i%able7 is n   
real1 & t ! ,invisible is ! only ,real8 
,we are us+ ! wrong ^w3 all t we see "h 
is real aft] its own mann]3 x is        
int5tional1 x is design$1 x is          
magnific5t1 x is ! evid5ce 9 fix$ =m ( !
 ,supreme ,intellig5ce2 h[ c we v5ture  
to call x unreal1 no?+1 negligible8 ,x  
is a "q n ( ,reality or ,unreality1 b ( 
great] & ( less] ,activity4 ,9 ?is _w we
 see ! ,div9e ,en]gy sl[$ d[n to its    
lea/ degree3 we see x s mu* sl[$ d[n t !
 ,div9e ,ideas c become cry/allis$ into 
a =m & = _! decre$ p]iod rema9 fix$4 ,x 
is exactly ?is :i* ! s\l requires 9 ord]
 to recov] h] lo/ be>+s4 ,%e ne$s !     
,beautiful1 ! ,good1 & ! ,bad made      
s5sible to h] 9 fix$ objects1 & ,"t 9   
:i* to consid] !m & make h] *oice betwe5
 !m4 ,:5 ,_s-liv+ is exp]i5c$1 we become
 aw>e t 9 _s-life ,activity is ( su* an 
ord] z to preclude ! mode ( x be+ 9 fix$
 =ms & objects3 s !re is no fix$ visible

 ,beauty1 no fix$ visible ,good or ,bad1
 no fix$ results1 & ! s\l sees & kn[s   
only t :i* %e h]self is l to4 ,if %e is 
bad1 %e _c become bett] by ! privilege (
 look+ at t :i* is good4 ,if %e ?9ks or 
desires wrong1 %e rema9s wrong3 %e mu/  
?9k ,"r 9 ord] to produce or "k ,"r4 ,%e
 loses ,god because %e c no long] ?9k   
godly1 & no?+ is fix$ by :i* %e c trace 
,him3 x is l to l1 & ?is in/antane\sly  
)\t pause 7or "t74 ,"h 9 ?is _w ,l may  
behold its ,opposite3 ,bad may behold   
,good &1 because ( be+ able to behold x1
 may g ov] & jo9 its w to ,good3 x is   
able to d ?is1 because ! evid5ce ( ,good
 rema9s fix$ :e!r ! behold] or ?9k] is  
good or bad4  ,:at is our que/ 9 ?is _w8
 ,x is to ref9d ! lo/ k (               
,cele/ial-liv+4 ,our ,goal is ,god      
,himself4 ,our salvation does n dep5d ^u
 our f9d+ ,cele/ial-liv+1 b our f9d+ ?is
 liv+ dep5ds ^u :e!r we h f\nd ! way (  
,salvation4 ,?is ,cele/ial-liv+ is "h1  
at our door1 b we _c ret\* x )\t ,act ( 
,god4 ,:at is ess5tial to obta9+ ?is    

,act ( ,god8 ,is x necess>y to belong to
 ?is or t ,d5om9ation1 to p]=m ?is or t 
c]emony1 to /& up1 kneel d[n1 or        
pro/rate ourselves a hundr$ & "o times1 
visit %r9es1 h&le relics1 endlessly     
repeat fix$ words & s5t5ces8 ,no1 ^! w n
 d x4 ,*ri/ianity 9 its full mean+1 a   
rep5tant & clean he>t & m9d--^! w d x4  
,x is a direct affair betwe5 ! s\l &    
,god4 ,x is ,!e & me4 ,?is is imm5se    
condesc5sion on ! "p ( ,god4 ,love alone
 makes su* a condesc5sion possible4  ,z 
9 free _s we ?9k a ?\ght & become x1 h a
 desire fla% to x & are x1 x is easy to 
see h[ 9 ?9k+ ?\ghts t are n godly1     
desir+ t :i* is ungodly & imp]fect1 we  
pass f> f ,god by becom+ imp]fection2 &1
 hav+ become1 f9d no satisfaction1      
satisfaction re/+ ) ,god only4 ,hav+    
ceas$ to ?9k godly1 ! s\l loses ,god1   
becomes ins5sitive1 & falls into        
d>kness1 ?9ks ( h] own wret*$ness &1    
?9k+ ( x1 is held fa/ to x4 ,be+        
mis]able1 %e ?9ks to ,self2 ?9k+ (      
,self1 %e is b\nd to ! solitude (       

,self--blank solitude )\t fix$ objects  
to amuse1 )\t fix$ ,beauty to lead      
high]1 to re/ore1 to calm4 ,is all ?is  
tantam\nt to say+ t :5 sep>at$ f ,god   
,_s-life is less desirable ?an e>?-life8
 ,x is3 = !n we are dead to             
cele/ial-liv+1 & 9 ,_s-life all o!r liv+
 is mis]able liv+4 ,h5ce we see ! dire  
necessity ( ! s\l = a ,savi\r3 !        
necessity ( fix$ =ms1 ( "t1 ( fle% 7:i* 
is a fix$ /ay-po9t = ! s\l71 ( !        
,inc>nation ( ! ,savi\r 9 fle% 9 ord] t 
,he may guide ! s\l among/ ^! fix$ =ms1 
,himself %[+ h] :i* to *oose & :i* to   
ca/ aside3 we see ! necessity ( "t 9    
ord] t1 ?\gh we h an ungodly ?\ght1 we h
 "t to rep5t & *oose a bett] be=e1 9 a  
horrible rapidity1 we are inevitably    
become t :i* we _h ?\ght4 ,9 ?is _w1 ?is
 /ay-po9t = ! s\l1 ! mo/ lo/ is enabl$  
to enjoy & p]ceive ,beauty & ,goodness4 
,h[ mu* m easy1 !n1 to return to godly  
?\ghts1 to ! ,good1 to ,god ,himself6 ,b
 ?\gh h] ,savi\r is 9 ?is _w s ne> to ! 
s\l1 %e does n always seek ,him4 ,he    

belongs to ! ,invisible4 ,intoxicat$ at 
f9d+ h]self amus$ among/ fix$ objects   
:i* %e enjoys lazily ?r\gh fix$ m$iums (
 ! five s5ses1 %e devotes h]self to ^!  
objects1 surr\nds h]self ) !m1 =gets    
ev]y?+ else4 ,x is h>d] = ! ri* man to  
ent] ! k+dom ( heav54 ,b %e mu/ ab&on   
object-wor%ip3 ?is is n to say %e is to 
d5y ! exi/5ce ( objects1 call+ !m       
unreal2 %e mu/ despise no creat$ object1
 = ea* is !re to =m = h] an             
object-lesson4 ,%e has two *oices3 %e c 
see ! objects1 rema9 satisfi$ ) !m1 &   
seek no fur!r4 ,or1 %e c see ! objects1 
admire !m1 b seek beyond !m = _!        
,in/igator & ,creator4 ,n[ %e is on !   
track ( ,god4 ,all is well4  ,b all ?is 
is n t ,adam may recov] 8 p]fection1 =  
:51 & = h[ long1 0 ,adam ,p]fect8 ,we   
behold him s9n+ at ! v fir/ opportunity4
 ,9 ! ,fall ( ,adam we see m]ely !      
cont9uation 9 ! /ay-po9t ( "t & ( fle%1 
( ! hi/ory ( ! fall5 s\l--s9n+ ! same   
old s91 ,self-w4  ,! way ( return to    
,god is ! same way by :i* we came out f 

,him--rev]s$4 ,we came away by means (  
gre$s & curiosities imag9$ by ,self-w4  
,! return is by ca/+ away ^! gre$s1 ca/+
 away all prides1 all selfi%ness2 & :at 
self-lov+ s\l is !re t c\ld or w\ld1    
left alone to h]self1 conceive ( foll[+ 
su* a way ( cruel necessities1 ( su* h>d
 endurance )\t an ,example be=e h]8 ,= !
 way is a h>d way1 a toil+ way1 at times
 an awful way1 & z we pursue x ! burd5  
gr[s heavi]1 ! pa9 %>p]3 !n x gr[s      
light] z ! s\l becomes r5ew$2 & ! pa9 is
 no long] ! pa9 ( lonel9ess1 ( s9 &     
sorr[1 b becomes ! pa9 ( ,love1 wait+ 9 
c]ta9ty = an ultimate ,reunion3 x       
becomes pa9 :i* is be+ =gott5 9 !       
return+ happ9ess ( ,god4  ,b fir/ mu/   
come ! ab&onm5t ( ,self-w1 bit by bit1  
to ! dea?4 ,s we see ^u ! ,cross ,*ri/  
/ripp$ ( ev]y?+1 & at ! la/ /ripp$ ev5 (
 ,union ) ! ,fa!r3 cons5t+ to be> ! pa9s
 ( ev5 ,spiritual ,dea?3 ,my ,god1 my   
,god1 :y ha/ ,?\ =sak5 ,me8 ,if !re c\ld
 be any great] dep? ( pa91 ,he w\ld h   
%>$ t also ) ! w&]+ s\l4 ,s we are inde$

 "o ) ,him 9 ev]y?+3 & ,he ) u4  ,9     
,_s-life we meet ! ,ideas ( ,god        
uncry/allis$ into any =m4 ,!y p5etrate !
 s\l--%e fla%es to !m1 %e becomes !m1 %e
 rea*es unimag9able heights ( bliss by  
becom+4 ,?is =m ( joy is incompreh5sible
 until exp]i5c$3 x is /up5d\s liv+1 if x
 may be s express$ x is happ9ess at     
lightn+ velocity2 b x is a lightn+      
happ9ess :i* mu/ fla% to ,god4 ,:5 x    
ceases to d ?is 9 a full mann]1 x ceases
 to be full happ9ess4 ,:5 x becomes     
fur!r p]v]t$1 div]t$1 &1 f9ally1 inv]t$1
 x ceases to be any happ9ess :atev]4 ,x 
is indep5d5t ( surr\nd+s3 :at x dep5ds  
on is a p]fect reciprocity ) its own    
,s\rce4 ,t ! laws :i* gov]n ?is ,div9e  
liv+ w n be alt]$ to suit w&]+ s\ls is n
 to be wond]$ at2 b a new sy/em may be  
call$ into be+1 & we may be able to     
p]ceive x 9 ?is _w1 evolv$ f fir/ to la/
 ) its sub/ance1 =ms1 creatures1 fle%1 &
 "t1 9 ord] to assi/ su* w&]]s4 ,god    
sp5ds ,himself = e w&]+ s\l4  ,,xii     
,directly ?is _w ceases to af=d u       

pleasure1 we wond] :y we 7 born4 ,! s\l 
longs = happ9ess2 feels c]ta9 %e 0      
creat$ = x4 ,s %e is4 ,look+ at ! masses
 ( drab1 ugly1 & unsuccessful lives     
ar\nd u1 we may well ask :at purpose &  
:at progress is !re 9 ! lives ( all ^!  
hopeless-look+ p4 ,b !re is n "o life t 
does n h br\ght be=e x1 & into x1 !     
opportunity (1 & ! invitation to1       
self-sacrifice1 & 9 a great] or less]   
degree ?is is accept$ & respond$ to by  
all4 ,!re is f> m s\l-progress made by  
^! grey-look+ lives ?an w\ld appe> on ! 
surface3 !y accept self-sacrifice--!y   
accept ,duty--all is well4 ,v mu*       
progress may n be made dur+ ! "o        
e>?-p]iod ( life1 b "s is made3 we      
drift$ away sl[ly f ,god2 our return is 
sl[4  ,,xiii  ,love is n ! m]e pleasant 
s5tim5t ( ! he>t we are apt to consid]  
x3 x is ! animat+ pr9ciple ( ! s\l1 x is
 ! reason & cause ( h] exi/5ce3 x is a  
,god-,=ce4 ,:5 a s\l does n love ,god %e
 has ceas$ to respond to ?is ,=ce2 %e is
 no long] a s5sitive or liv+ s\l3 :5 %e 

becomes ins5sitive1 %e has become :at   
fle% is :5 x is call\s4  ,?is           
ins5sitiv5ess is ! "o great pr$om9at+   
disease ( ! s\l3 x is ! cause ( !       
d>kness 9 :i* ! s\l f9ds h]self 9 ?is   
_w3 x is ?is :i* causes our unaw>5ess ( 
,god & ( ,cele/ial-liv+4 ,h[ c we       
comm5ce to rem$y ?is disa/r\s /ate8 ,we 
c act nobly1 we c be g5]\s1 do+ :at we d
 z ?\gh x 7 = love1 al?\gh x is m]ely   
,duty :i* animates u4 ,?is w be m or    
less joyless1 because love alone c make 
acts joyful2 b ?\gh x may be joyless x w
 advance ! s\l imm5sely3 x w advance h] 
to ! highe/ degrees requir$ by ,god 9   
ord] t ,he %all ,ret\* h]4 ,:5 ,he      
,ret\*es h] %e becomes reanimat$1 %e    
once aga9 comm5ces to live = & because (
 love3 %e becomes s5sitive to ,god4 ,?is
 ,ret\*+ may occur only aft] ! s\l is   
free ( ! body--b ! body is ! h\se 9 :i* 
our exam9ation mu/ be pass$1 9 :i* we   
mu/ prep>e & qualify = ?is ,ret\*+4     
,h5ce ! importance ( cont9u+ to make e  
ef=t 9 ?is life4 ,! s\l :i* takes ,*ri/ 

into h]self1 loves ,him1 obeys ,him1    
tries to copy ,him1 qualifies fully =   
?is ,ret\*+4  ,,xiv  ,9 e>ly y\? life   
may be1 & (t5 is1 a joy\s adv5ture3     
little by little we gr[ agha/ at ! am\nt
 ( suff]+ :i* life really /&s =--our own
 suff]+s & ^? ( o!rs1 ( :i*1 ow+ to our 
own pa9s1 we gradually take m & m note4 
,:y all ?is suff]+8 ,x appals1 x        
fright5s1 x makes ^u _m he>ts & m9ds a  
s9i/] impression3 h[ is ?is suff]+ (    
innoc5ts to be reconcil$ ) ! ,b5ign ,w (
 a ,god ,:o is ,p]fect ,love8 ,let u    
cease ?9k+ t indiscrim9ate suff]+ to    
creatures is ! ,w ( ,god4 ,:at is x1 !n8
 ,x is ! inevitable--! long drawn-out   
sequ5ce to ! s\l's dep>ture f ,god--!   
,s\rce ( ,happ9ess4  ,to inhabit fle% is
 no p>adise1 b x is a means ( rega9+    
heav54 ,!re is no mis=tune1 suff]+1     
sorr[1 disappo9tm5t1 or pa91 :i* is n   
consequ5t ^u ?is dep>ture ( ! s\l f     
,god4 ,are !re "h any truly innoc5t     
p]sons8 ,to be "h at all po9ts to a     
fault ( ! s\l1 to infidelity to ,god--! 

,orig9al s9 9 :i* we are born4  ,!      
beg9n+ ( ,salvation is to ?9k4 ,no?+    
causes u to ?9k s mu* z sorr[1 suff]+1 &
 pa92 & !y melt ! he>t also1 & !y humble
 pride4 ,! man :o has nev] suff]$1 &    
nev] lov$1 is m to be piti$ ?an !       
p>alytic3 8 *ance ( ,life is remote4    
,h[ c we reasonably expect t ! road back
 to our long-s9ce =sak5 ,god is to be   
smoo?1 pleasant1 velvet-cov]$4 ,:at     
divides u f ,god8 ,is x happ9ess1       
beauty1 & light8 ,no--self-indulg5ce1   
rocks ( evil1 ugly gre$s1 places ( s9 & 
selfi%ness4 ,c we climb back ?r\gh all  
?is1 mo/ ( x 9 d>kness1 )\t te>s1 )\t   
pa91 )\t e k9d ( angui%8  ,ov] ?is "p ( 
! road is no peace2 b cont9ue1 &1 little
 by little1 peace comes4  99 99 99  ,we 
say t we mu/ f9d ,*ri/2 b :]e1 & h[1    
%all we f9d ?is ,mighty ,"l1 ,:o comes  
out f ! ,fa!r to meet ! ,prodigal8 ,mu/ 
we /udy 9 ecclesia/ical colleges1 travel
 to di/ant l&s1 visit holy places1 kneel
 on celebrat$ sacr$ gr\nd1 kiss /ones1  
att5d c]emonies1 look at bones8  ,no6   

,/& /ill6 ,j :]e we are is ! place :]e  
we c meet ,him4 ,j :]e we /& to-day c be
 z sacr$1 z bless$1 z ! ,holy ,l&4 ,"s  
little wood spr9kl$ ) fl[]s1 our own    
quiet room1 an unkn[n1 nameless         
hillside--^! c be z holy z ,m\nt ,c>mel1
 because ,he meets u !re4  99 99 99  ,9 
all ^! exp]i5ces ( ! s\l :i* has ref\nd 
,god1 :at is x t truly rejoices h]8 ,is 
x ! le>n+ & k t ! pursuit ( ,tru? may   
br+ h] to8 ,%e values ,tru? & k because 
!y lift h] t[>ds ,him ,:om %e seeks &   
loves4 ,does ! s\l rejoice 9 ec/asies   
because !y are ec/asies8 ,no3 :at %e    
values is ! recaptur$ k & c]ta9ty (     
heav5ly liv+--9 h[ev] small or brief a  
degree %e is able to atta9 x 9 fle%3 &  
because 9 ! exp]i5ce ( ec/asy %e kn[s   
,him to ,:om %e belongs4  ,all o!r      
affairs become no?+ :atev]4 ,life on e>?
 is n[ entirely a means ( rele>n+ h[ to 
please ,him ,:om %e has f\nd4 ,h] conc]n
 is t %e may quickly s prep>e h]self t  
%e may behold ,him = ev]4  ,x may well  
be ask$ ( a s\l :i* claims to h f\nd    

,god1 ,h[ does %e "k t %e has enc\nt]$  
,him8  ,we h a ,critical ,faculty4 ,x is
 above ,reason1 because x sifts & judges
 ! f9d+s ( ,reason1 ?r[+ out or reta9+  
:at ,reason has d$uc$4 ,?is is a        
,high]-,s\l faculty3 x conc]ns itself   
solely ) kn[+ ,p]fection4 ,reason is n  
occupi$ ) kn[+ ,p]fection1 b 9 analys+ &
 dige/+ all alike t is br\ght to x4  ,x 
is to ! ,critical ,faculty t art1       
poetry1 & music appeal1 & make _!       
?\ght-sugge/ions4 ,we d n enjoy music   
because ( ! noise1 b because ( ! ?\ghts 
sugge/$ by x--we float ^u ^!            
emotion-?\ghts 7we may float l[1 we may 
float high1 & d n "k to :]e2 b x is     
some:]e :]e we _c get )\t ! music71 s we
 say we love ! music2 b x is !          
emotion-?\ghts we love4 ,! s\nd & !     
?\ghts sugge/$ by x appeal to !         
,critical ,faculty ( ! ,s\l1 &1 if x is 
p]fect en\gh to be accept$ by ?is       
faculty1 we may pass1 = ! "t be+1 into  
s\l-liv+1 b only v delicately1          
t5tatively1 & no?+ to be comp>$ to !    

s\l-liv+1 produc$ by ! ,t\* ( ,god4 ,:5 
,god communicates ,himself to ! s\l1 %e 
lives 9 a mann] nev] previ\sly conceiv$ 
(1 rea*+ an exp]i5ce ( liv+ 9 :i* e     
p]fection is pres5t to h] z ,be+ !re 9  
su* unlimit$ abundance t ! s\l is       
ov]:elm$ by x & mu/ fall back to less1  
because ( insupportable excess (        
,p]fections4 ,?is p]fection ( liv+ is   
giv51 & is )drawn1 outside ( h] own w4  
,:i* is ! m sane & reasonable--= ! s\l  
to ?9k1 ,i h inv5t$ & orig9at$ a new &  
p]fectly satisfy+ =m ( liv+2 or = ! s\l 
to conclude t %e has be5 admitt$ to !   
re-enc\nt] ( p]fect- or ,cele/ial-liv+8 
,9 ?is liv+ are happ5+s :i* _c be       
communicat$1 or ev5 indicat$ to o!rs1   
because !y rea* beyond words1 beyond all
 or any o!r exp]i5ce1 beyond any        
possible previ\s imag9ation or          
expression ( m9d1 beyond all            
p>ticul>isation2 x is ^! occasions (    
exp]i5ce :i* ! ,critical ,faculty reg>ds
 z be+ enc\nt]s ) ! ,supreme ,_s1       
because !y are complete2 no?+ is want+2 

!y af=d life at its p]fection po9t--a   
/up5d\s ,felicity1 & t ,repose 9 bliss =
 :i* all s\ls secretly long4 ,x is !    
meet+ ( ! ,wi%] ) ! ,wi%$1 ( ,desire ) !
 ,desir$3 & yet1 be+ t :i* x            
is--un?9kable ,fulfilm5t--x is above    
all1 or any1 ,wi%es1 & beyond ,desire2 x
 c be kn[n1 b n nam$4  ,by ^! exp]i5ces 
! k ( ! s\l becomes enlight5$ two ways3 
%e kn[s :at bliss is2 %e kn[s ! full    
calamity ( life away f ,god--9 fle%1 9  
?is _w3 n t fle% is n a wond]ful ,idea1 
n t ! _w is n greatly to be admir$ = its
 beauties1 b ! reawak5$ _s desires      
_s-liv+1 _c be pleas$ ) e>?-liv+1 _c be 
satisfi$ ) less ?an ,god ,himself4 ,s1  
!n1 ! logical consequ5ce is t ?is _w    
becomes a place we desire to take leave 
( z soon z may be4 ,life "h becomes a   
puni%m5t3 n t ,p]fect ,love desires to  
puni%1 b t ! s\l n[ kn[s t any =m ( life
 9 :i* %e is re/rict$ f cont9ual access 
to ,him is a disa/]1 a pr(\nd grief4    
,,xv  ,if ! s\l looks to ,god to com=t  
h]1 asks = ,8 help1 & gets x--& s9ce    

communication ) ,god is dep5d5t ^u "s   
degree ( l to l1--x foll[s t ! s\l mu/  
ma9ta9 a read9ess to give to fell[-s\ls3
 to fail 9 ?is is to fail 9 any sort (  
resemblance to ,god4 ,h5ce we see h[    
c>efully ,*ri/ enjo9$ ^u u to ,give to  
!m t ask3 & 9 no nigg>dly way ei!r1 b   
:olehe>t$ly1 = ,god love? ! *e]ful giv]4
  ,if we say t we appreh5d ,god by t :i*
 is n ,m9d1 :at reason h we = say+ t x  
is n ,reason :i* receives ,him8 ,because
 = ?is liv+ :i* ,god's t\* causes u to  
%>e ) ,himself we f9d t ,space1         
,inf9ity1 & ,et]nity are requir$ &      
,reason /&s1 & rema9s1 uncompreh5d+ &   
dumbf\nd$ be=e all ?ree4 ,x is ,_s1 !   
fla%-po9t ( ! s\l1 :i* receives &       
transmits & :i* lives ?is liv+4 ,z we h 
an h]$ity ( fle% s we h also an h]$ity (
 ,_s :i* ( its own nature compreh5ds !  
ways ( ,god & ! mode ( ,god's liv+4 ,9  
,high ,contemplation we f9d t if ,reason
 attempts activity1 no?+ is consummat$3 
%e mu/ subm]ge h]self & wait3 soon      
,reason discov]s ! :]e=e ( ?is--h]      

activity is n ! activity ( ,t ,o!r4     
,only by t :i* is l 9 activity c ,t ,o!r
 be receiv$3 ?is l is n h]self3 f9ally  
%e comes to "k ?is l z a high] "p ( !   
s\l--,_s4 ,:5 ,_s has receiv$ & giv5 x  
to ! s\l1 !n x is aft]w>ds ! "p (       
,reason to attack f e side t :i* has be5
 receiv$1 to dige/ x1 absorb x1 & %>e x1
 9 fact ?\gh n 9 act4 ,accord+ to !     
heal? & /r5g? ( ,reason s we %all       
successfully deal ) & use t ) :i* ! ,_s 
pres5ts u4 ,by comp>ison ) ! magnific5t 
,_s-,activity or ,_s-,intellig5ce !     
,reason is limit$ & frail z a new-born  
babe3 ?is is no humiliation to ,reason1 
s9ce %e %\ld n be expect$ to accompli% t
 :i* is n h] "p4  ,:y d n all m5        
appreh5d ,god8 ,x is v que/ionable if   
all m5 desire to d s1 because 9 !       
recesses ( ea* man's s\l lies !         
consci\sness t !re w be "s great price  
to pay4  ,b beyond ?is !re arises ! "q1 
,is x desirable1 price or no price1 t   
all s\ls %\ld come :ile /ill 9 fle% to  
imm$iate k (1 & contact )1 ,god2 & aft] 

long & close ?9k+ ! exp]i5c$ s\l w answ]
 ,no1 & ,yes4 ,no1 9 s f> z !           
appreh5sion ( ! ,godhead is conc]n$2    
,yes1 & mo/ vitally ,yes1 = ,*ri/ians1 9
 s f> z ,communion & ,contact ) ,*ri/ is
 conc]n$4 ,:y ?is di/9ction8 ,because ! 
appreh5sion ( ! ,godhead is beyond !    
requirem5ts ( salvation & r$emption1 & !
 _w & fle% 7 creat$ = ^? purposes4 ,?\gh
 !re is no limit to ! heights to :i* !  
s\l may aspire1 & all s\ls are invit$   
ev5tually to behold ! ,face ( ,god1 if s
 be !y %all be able to prep>e !mselves  
to endure ,him1 !re are to a s\l /ill 9 
fle% ! mo/ t]rible dang]s 9 kn[+ !      
,fullness ( ,god ev5 s f> z ,8 ,fullness
 may be ,kn[n to ,fle%3 nev] p]haps 9   
all h] hi/ory is ! s\l 9 su* dang] z %e 
is aft] com+ 79 fle%7 to ! appreh5sion (
 ! ,godhead3 & ?is dang] may ext5d 9 an 
acute degree ov] a p]iod ( _m ye>s & c  
nev] be said to cease altoge!r4 ,! ,s\l 
,kn[s & feels1 :5 9 its acute /age1 ?is 
horrible dang] )\t compreh5d+ its exact 
cause & nature1 b x has ab\t x ! feel+ t

 a man might h /&+ balanc$ on a n>r[    
p9nacle4 ,unapproa*able1 unt\*able only 
s long z he rema9s ^u ! summit1 ! eyes (
 a ?\s& enemies wat* = 8 smalle/ desc5t3
 !y wat* day & night4 ,:at alone c      
enable ! ,s\l to ma9ta9 su* a position8 
,h\rly1 (t5 mom5tly1 ,communion ) ,jesus
 ,*ri/4 ,:at makes su* p]sev]ance likely
 or ev5 possible on ! s\l's "p8 ,only   
love c make x s4  ,if we say ,communion 
) ,*ri/ is = ! ,*ri/ian vital to a full 
r$emption1 & !re=e ! ,appreh5sion ( ,him
 is ess5tial1 to :at degree %\ld we     
exp]i5ce ?is ,appreh5sion ( ,him8 ,!    
degree at :i*1 p]ceiv+ 9 ,him & ,8 ways 
our ,ideal1 we become will+ to modify & 
*ange our mann] ( ?9k+ & do+ 9 ord] to  
meet ! requirem5ts ( ?is ,ideal4 ,hav+  
gone s f>1 ! s\l is likely to become    
enam\r$ ( ,him ,p]sonally3 !n all is    
inde$ well = h]4  ,s !n we f9d t we c   
appreh5d ,god by an ev]-asc5d+ scale (  
degrees4 ,we c appreh5d ,him ) ! ,reason
 & ! he>t at all h\rs ( ! day4 ,we c    
seek & approa* ,him ) ! holy :ite       

passion ( ! ,m9d4 ,yet ?is is n !       
,appreh5sion ( ,him :i* alone c be t]m$ 
,contact1 & :i* alone satisfies ! s\l or
 gives u ! full feel+ t we ,"k ,god4 ,we
 _c ,"k ,god z fully z ,he c be kn[n by 
fle% )\t we ent] ec/asy2 b x is n ec/asy
 :i* produces ! meet+ ) ,god1 b ! meet+ 
) ,god :i* produces ! ec/asy4 ,?\gh we  
are able to enjoy a cont9ual appreh5sion
 ( ,him ) he>t & ,reason1 no man c\ld   
endure an unremitt+ ec/asy4  ,c ec/asy  
be prep>$ =8 ,yes1 if we h c\rage to    
aspire to x1 x c be prep>$ = by a       
contemplation ( ,him 9 :i*1 to comm5ce  
)1 ! ,w1 ,m9d1 & he>t1 9 great activity 
( love1 s5d =? all _! p[]s t[>ds ,god3  
!n = love's sake be+ glad & will+ to    
become no?+1 & becom+1 z x 71 dead to   
!mselves & all int]e/s & desires usual  
to !m1 by ,act ( ,god _! normal liv+ is 
!n tak5 ov] into a great] liv+4 ,!n ,he 
comes4  ,& :5 ,he comes ! ,reason does n
 receive ,him1 b t c]ta9 small "p1      
little m ?an a po9t 9 ! s\l receives    
,him4  ,ap>t f ! joy ( x1 :at is ! true 

value ( ec/asy to him to :om x is       
grant$8 ,x raises him above ,fai? into  
,c]titude4 ,! peace & /r5g? giv5 by     
,c]titude are su* t ,joy is nei!r "h nor
 !re1 ! s\l c wait = x1 because1 no     
matt] :at may aft]w>ds happ5 to su* a   
"o1 he rememb]s1 & rema9s once & = all  
aw>e1 t ,god ,is1 & t ,he c be ,kn[n3 he
 le>ns also a new k1 b c>es no?+ = ?is  
because x is k or because x is p[]1 b   
because x br+s him ne>] to 8 ,god4      
,hav+ once le>nt ! k t comes by ec/asy  
alone1 tru? to tell1 ! s\l w\ld be      
cont5t to receive no fur!r ec/asy 9     
fle%2 b1 intoxicat$ ) love & wor%ip1 %e 
be/ enjoys h]self do+ all ! giv+1 = :5  
,he comes & gives ,he bur/s d[n all h]  
doors &1 "u ! awful /ress ( ,him1 ! s\l 
h>dly kn[s h[ to endure ei!r ,himself or
 h]self4  ,life 9 ?is _w is a life =    
spiritual weakl+s4 ,our et]nal ,self is 
an ,intellig5ce1 a ,desire1 & a ,w1 & ! 
life we live ) x is no idle1 torpid1    
conf9$ liv+ su* z we h "h1 b is a liv+ 9
 ,lib]ty1 )\t limit1 re/riction1        

fatigue1 or satiety2 9 x ^w ?\ghts &    
?9k+ are sup]s$$2 by comp>ison to x ev5 
! highe/ ?\ght-a*ievem5ts ( m51 _!      
noble/ aspirations1 appe> l ! s&-ca/les 
( *ildr54 ,ravi%$ at su* fur!r          
revelations ( ! ,g5ius ( ,god1 ! s\l at 
la/ kn[s satisfaction4 ,x requires      
p]fection 9 ord] to be p]man5tly        
op]ative1 because only 9 p]fection is   
,fre$om f\nd1 & because = ! liv+ ( x    
no?+ c rema9 b su* ,ess5tials ( ! s\l z 
_c be disp]s$4 ,x is a measureless      
,g5]osity & an ec/asy ( ,receiv+ &      
,giv+4 ,to say t purity & p]fection are 
requir$ = ?is liv+ is no m]e arbitr>y   
dictum1 b a sci5tific fact3 ! impure1   
imp]fect s\l f9ds h]self unable 9 p]fect
 lib]ty & fre$om to exp& to int]action )
 ! ,div9e ,activity4 ,:5 ! process (    
,return is suffici5tly complet$ &1 be+  
/ill 9 fle%1 we ent] = a brief "t ?is   
liv+1 ,reason1 ,pa9 & ,evil1 ,ye/]day & 
,to-morr[ disappe>4 ,reason is ga!r$ up 
into1 & sup]s$$ by1 ! spiritual &       
wordless ,intellig5ce3 ,pa9 & ,evil1 _! 

"p & "w accompli%$1 are disp]s$ & bani%$
 into ! mi/s ( d>kness4  ,s ! s\l may   
le>n ev5 f ?is _w some?+ ( ! my/]y ( !  
,dep?s ( ,god4 ,%e may ent] into !      
happ9ess ( ,union ) ! ,?ree 9 ,"o3 ! ,"o
 ,:om 9 a /ate ( glory yet to come %e   
may ,behold4 ,b beyond ,?is ( ,him :i*  
,he w all[ h] to ,behold1 beyond ,?is ( 
,him 9 :i* %e may repose 9 bliss1 &     
beyond ?is ,repose :i* ,he wills h] to  
"k ( ,him1 ,he %[s h] t yet m ( ,him ,is
 :i* ,he w %>e--heights ( ,felicity     
beyond all measure1 hold+ ! s\l till %e 
mu/ pray ,him to release h]1 or %e w    
p]i%--reel+ dep?s ( rapture 9 a my/]y ( 
light2 bliss beyond bliss = t lov] :o   
%all v5ture--all ,et]nity unfold+ 9     
fulfilm5t4  ,& yet rema9s ,t ( ,him :i* 
wills no reciprocity1 b %>es ,himself ) 
,himself4 ,s peace ,is4 ,& s1 ev5 9 n   
giv+1 ,he yet does give t :i* is mo/    
preci\s1 = )\t ,he ,himself 9 ,8 =ev]   
hidd5 dep?s 7 ,peace1 ,8 creatures c\ld 
nei!r "k nor h peace4  ,look+ into      
h]self1 :at does ! s\l p]ceive8 ,ap>t f 

s9s & virtues %e p]ceives two           
?+s--caprice & free-w4 ,nei!r are ( h]  
own creation1 b are ess5tials ( h] be+4 
,x may be t 9 caprice & free-w %e may   
f9d an answ] to ^? two que/ions :i* /ir 
h] to h] dep?s3 ,:at is %e t ,god %\ld s
 love h]8 & h[ comes %e to be away f    
,him8 ,clo!d 9 ! body ( ei!r man or     
woman1 ! s\l is pr$om9antly fem99e--!   
,fem99e ,pr9ciple belov$ (1 & return+   
to1 ! ,et]nal ,mascul9e ( ,god4 ,caprice
 is fem99e2 ,caprice & ,my/]y are two   
en*ant+ si/]s1 & 9 ,woman we see !m z   
be+ irresi/ible to ,man4 ,angels1 ?\gh  
!y are a glory ( ,god's heav51 _c alone 
satisfy all ! ne$s ( _! ,creator3 !y h  
nei!r sex nor caprice1 nor ! my/]y :i*  
jo9s h&s ) x4 ,s ,he creates ! s\l1 &   
,he gives h] an h]$ity ( ,himself 9 !   
fla%-po9t ( ! s\l1 & ,he gives h] sex & 
caprice & free-w to d5y h]self to ,him  
if %e *oose2 & 9 h] caprice %e goes out 
& away f ,him1 & :5 %e w\ld return %e   
_c1 because 9 infidelity %e has dropp$ f
 p]fection4 ,disillusion$ by h]         

unfai?ful w&]+s & horribly pa9$1 ! s\l  
longs = ,him1 & ,he longs = h]4 ,he     
,himself mu/ make h] ! way ( return1 :i*
 is ! way ( r$emption1 & at a t]rible   
co/ to ,himself ,he %[s h] ,8           
,righte\sness & ! mode ( h] ,return 9 ! 
,face & ! ,ways ( ,jesus ,*ri/2 & 9 !   
,crucifixion ,he %[s h] ! measure ( ,8  
love1 & 9 ! ,cross ! necess>y ab&onm5t (
 all self-w--total surr5d]4 ,& all ?is  
suff]+ to ,himself ,he be>s 9 ord] to   
make good ! wilful s9n+ & ! mis]y ( !   
wayw>d s\l4 ,s ,he br+s home ! s\l1 n by
 =ce b by love--t love by :i* ,he is at 
once ! ,life ( ev]y?+ & ev]y?+ is ! life
 ( ,him4  ,abs5ce f ,god is ,pa91 &     
ev]la/+ly w be ,pa9 9 v>y+ degrees4 ,are
 !re s\ls :o h nev] left ,him8          
,und\bt$ly1 b !y "k no?+ ( ?is _w4 ,are 
we p]haps di/ress$ at ?is multiplicity (
 worlds & s\ls8 ,we ne$ n be1 = !y are a
 necessity bo? ( ,god & ( ourselves2 =  
,god to ,be ,himself ,he mu/ give       
,himself1 & :o c receive ,him8 ,n ev5 ! 
greate/ ( all ! ,angels c alone be> to  

endure ,him8 ,only into a va/           
multiplicity ( individuals c ,god p\r & 
exp5d ,himself to ! fullness ( ,8       
desire1 ! ,"o to ! _m4 ,ea* individually
 receives f ,him1 & ea* individually &  
collectively--! _m to ! ,"o--returns    
,him ^? burn+ fav\rs :i* are 9          
,cele/ial-liv+4  ,is x all joy to f9d   
,god8 ,h[ c x be8 ,c faults & s9s be    
eradicat$ )\t pa98 ,life "h = ! lov] (  
,god is "o long eradication ( (f5ces4   
,h[ c ev5 ! daily requirem5ts ( fle% be 
fulfill$ )\t pa98 ,h[ )\t pr(\nd        
humiliation & pati5ce c we desc5d f     
,contemplation to duties 9 ! h\sehold8  
,h[ )\t pa9 consid] ) t same m9d :i* has
 s rec5tly be5 rapt 9 ,god--! v>i\s     
m]its ( breads1 pa/ries1 & portions (   
dead animals1 9 ord] t fle% %all eat &  
live6 ,:at a fall is ?is6--a fall t mu/ 
be tak5 daily & pati5tly4 ,is x all joy 
to love ,god8 ,h[ c x be8 ,= ,love      
c>ries 9 itself a t]rible w\nd ( long+  
:i* c nev] be heal$ till we come be=e   
,him 9 possession ,face to ,face4  ,& _m

 times a day 9 an unprem$itat$ natural  
angui% ,love rememb]s ! suff]+s ( t meek
 & holy ,savi\r2 h[ c x be a joy to !   
s\l t passionately loves ,him to /& be=e
 a tortur$ ,"l1 tortur$ = h]8 ,!re nev] 
0 a pa9 z h>d & %>p z ?is4 ,!re are no  
te>s l ! te>s we %$ to ,*ri/4  ,,xvi    
,we say ( ,god t ,he is ,love & ,light1 
,wisdom & ,tru?4 ,he is also a ,graci\s 
,cons5t+4 ,s we see ! ,div9e ,light     
,cons5t+ to d>kness t x may return to   
,light1 & ,div9e ,love ,cons5t+ to      
infidelity t x may return to ,p]fect    
,love4  ,b ?is ,graci\s ,cons5t+ is n   
because ( or s9ce ,adam1 b ,adam is     
because ( ?is ,cons5t+4  ,9 ! fle% (    
,adam ! fall5 s\l is br\ght to a        
/ay-po9t4 ,any t h exp]i5c$ _s-liv+ ev5 
= "o h\r "k t 9 immortal liv+ is no     
/ay-po9t b inf9ity ( movem5t1 9 :i*     
movem5t ! w&]+ s\l becomes lo/ & f9ally 
ins5sitive4 ,by means ( ! fle% ! s\l is 
br\ght to t /ay-po9t :]e %e m easily    
receives & und]/&s ! impregnation (     
,cons5t+ ,light1 :i* is ! ,div9e        

,begett+2 & %e receives ! draw+ p[] (   
,cons5t+ ,love3 %e is directly op]at$ ^u
 by ! ,div9e ,pity ,:o ,himself came to 
%[ h] ! ,way ( ,return3 fir/1 by !      
negation or sacrifice ( fle% lu/s2      
secondly1 by ! sacrifice ( spiritual    
lu/s 7by :i* ! s\l orig9ally fell72     
until f9ally1 by dea? to all lu/s &     
infidelities %e is reunit$ to ! blisses 
( ,immortal ,life4 ,?is is ! k9dly      
purpose ( our life 9 ?is _w4 ,*ri/ be+  
,et]nal ,light & ,love & ,life1 we also 
are et]nal :o conta9 ,*ri/4  ,s1 !n1 we 
cons5t to ab&on all lu/s ( ! fle% :il/  
also cons5t+ to endure any consequ5ces (
 ^! lu/s 9 ourselves & o!rs1 n 9        
unwill+ness to endure1 :i* is resi/ance1
 b 9 submission4 ,f cons5t+ to ab&on !  
delights ( ! fle% we advance to cons5t+ 
to ! )drawal ( all spiritual delights f 
u3 endur+ in/ead spiritual difficulties1
 /&+ firm 9 ! /r5g? ( ,*ri/ :il/ !      
assaults ( self-w & infidelity batt] !  
s\l4  ,we cons5t to ab&on               
self-absorption 9 ! delights ( ,god1 &1 

return+ to ! _w1 endeav\r to p]=m all   
acts ( life 9 ! _w 9 a mann] consonant )
 p]fection2 b ?is is impossible3 ?is    
ef=t is insupportable )\t ,grace4 ,we _c
 d x alone4 ,we le>n to "k x & to "k t  
we are nev] alone4 ,ev5 if we fall into 
! deepe/ s91 we are n ab&on$ by ! ,div9e
 ,graci\sness3 by cons5t+ to ab&on ?is  
wick$ness we are imm$iately reunit$ ) ! 
,div9e ,cons5t+1 & s onw>ds & upw>ds 9  
an ev]-asc5d+ improvem5t to p]fection3 &
 by cons5t+ ! s\l daily s9ks into ! balm
 ( ,*ri/ & loses h] burd54  ,we see !   
,p]fection ( ?is div9e cons5t+ &        
ab&onm5t ( ,self-,w 9 ! f9al picture ( !
 ,cross4 ,we see unmurmur+ cons5t to !  
dea? ( fle%1 cons5t to ! attacks ( evil1
 cons5t to inju/ice1 cons5t to          
infidelity 7& /raightway !y all =sook   
,him & fl$71 &1 f9ally1 cons5t to ! dea?
 ( ,div9e ,union3 ?is n )\t groan+s1 z  
be+ ! "o supreme & only insupportable   
,agony4  ,,xvii  ,h[ is x t ,p]fect     
,love c cons5t to ! w&]+ ( ! s\l ) its  
consequ5t sorr[ & s98 ,div9e ,light1 be+

 also ,p]fect ,fre$om1 cons5ts to ! w&]+
 ( ! s\l2 b ,div9e ,love1 be+ also      
,reciprocity1 may n cons5t to su* w&]+ z
 %all = ev] preclude ,reciprocity4 ,!   
w&]+ s\l mu/ be1 w be1 ,r$eem$4  99 99  
99  ,if ,div9e ,light1 be+ also ,p]fect 
,fre$om1 cons5ts to ! w&]+ ( ! s\l1 b   
,div9e ,love1 be+ also ,reciprocity1 may
 n cons5t to a p]petual w&]+1 h[ set    
limits 9 a life 9 :i* p]fect fre$om mu/ 
cont9ue8 ,a limit c be fix$ by ,evil1   
,evil ! out]mo/ circle f ,god1 ! %ore on
 :i*1 cont9ually break+ & be+ brok51 !  
s\l turns h]self 9 long+ to a           
long-=gott5 ,"l4 ,evil is ! h$ge ab\t ! 
v9ey>d ( ! ,p>able4 ,! s\l is free to   
t\* x1 free to pass ?r\gh x if %e w1 b  
t\*+ x %e kn[s ,pa94 ,pa9 causes ! s\l  
to pause & consid]3 n[ is h]            
opportunity2 n[ %e is likely to turn    
ab\t & seek ! ,good4  ,!n ! purpose (   
,evil is fulfill$2 !n ,evil becomes !   
h&maid ( ,good2 !n we c feel & say )    
s9c]ity1 ,evil has smitt5 me fri5dly1 = 
x has caus$ me to turn ab\t & seek      

,good4 ,good1 once f\nd1 is f\nd to be  
/rong] ?an ,evil4 ,9 a few ye>s ,good   
has s drawn u t ,evil has become        
negligible2 x lies =gott5 on a n[ di/ant
 mi/y %ore4 ,! s\l is ,homew>d b\nd4    
,,xviii  ,if ! wick$ turn f 8 s9s t he  
ha? committ$ & keep my /atutes 4 4 4 all
 8 transgressions t he ha? committ$1 !y 
%all n be m5tion$ unto him4--,ezekiel   
xviii4 #ba1 #bb4  ,,xix  ,:o is s bless$
 z ! ,r$eem$ ,s9n]8 ,:o c ta/e !        
sweetness ( ,god z c ! rep5tant s9n]8   
,:o c "k ,8 graci\sness1 ,8 inf9ity (   
t5d]ness & c\rtesy1 z c ! s9n]8 ,:o kn[s
 ! heights & dep?s & l5g?s & bread?s (  
,god's =giv+ love z does ! s9n]8 ,:o c  
%>e ) ,god h]eaft] su* close exp]i5ces z
 w ! s9n]8  ,c ,angels %>e ! memories ( 
,8 human days ) ,*ri/8 ,& :o b ! sorely 
tempt$ s9n] c be bond$ to ,him by !     
mutual k ( ^? bitt]1 burn+1 des]t days8 
,n ! ,righte\s1 nor ev5 ,angels c "k q !
 full beauty ( all ! bonds t b9d ! s9n] 
to 8 ,savi\r4 ,o m>vell\s love ( ,god6  
,o bless$ s\l1 ,o bless$ ,adam1 bless$  

ev5 9 ?y s9s6  ,he desir$ lov]s & _h    
none3 ,creat$ ,angels1 &1 desir+ to     
prove !m z lov]s1 ,he made ,him a ,lure4
  ,a ?ird ( !m turn$ to ! ,lure & fell  
to ,x4 ,!y s]ve ! ,lure & take _! bread 
f ,x1 & ! (fspr+ ( ! s]v+ is ,evil4     
,desir+ m lov]s1 ,he fa%ion$ s\ls2 yet1 
:5 ,he prov$ !m1 !y also fell to !      
,lure4  ,be+ less] ?an ,angels1 !y s]v$ 
n ! ,lure1 b ! (fspr+ ( x--,evil--&     
became subject to ,evil4 ,!y 7 made =   
,love1 & 9 ,evil f\nd no ,love1 & x 0 an
 angui% & x torm5t$ !m4  ,& ,he put !m 9
 fle%1 t ,he might limit _! suff]+ & %[ 
!m ,8 ,light aga92 cov]$ !m ab\t )      
,limits l a m]ciful ,cloak2 h$g$ !m 9 ) 
,evil z a b\nd>y1 s !y %\ld h no w to   
fall away fur!r f ,him ?an ,evil because
 ( ! pa9 ( x4  ,b 9 fle% !y cont9u$ to  
s]ve ,evil1 & ! (fspr+ ( ! s]v+ 0 ,s93 &
 !y 7 mis]able 9 _! s]vice1 because ( ! 
pa9 ( x2 yet no s\l c\ld break ! bondage
 ( s]vice1 because no s\l c\ld be f\nd  
t1 be+ subject1 did n s]ve1 & 9 s]v+    
lose fre$om by its own (fspr+4  ,!n ,he 

s5t ,8 ,_s to walk ) !m 9 fle%1 & be+   
prov5 z a ,lov]1 0 n f\nd want+1 & be+  
subject to ,evil did n s]ve1 & rema9+   
,s9less _h no (fspr+ to de/roy ,8       
fre$om1 & ,he broke ! bondage & %[$ !m a
 light4  ,he s5t1 because ,he rep5t$    
,him ( ! ,prov+ & ( ! ,evil t came ( x1 
& ,8 fall5 lov]s rep5t$ & rep5t ( _!    
fall4  ,8 travail & _! travail--!       
travail ( sev]$ ,love t[>ds ,reunion--is
 ! angui% ( ! ,ages3 b ! angui% w h an  
end1 because ,love is ,omnipot5ce4      
------  ,transcrib]'s notes3  ,! "n ( ! 
au?or1 ,lilian ,/aveley1 is n m5tion$ on
 ! title page ( ?is text1 b ,i h add$ x 
"h4 ,i h also made ! foll[+ editorial   
*anges3  ,i am ( no value value :atev]  
to ,i am ( no value :atev]  call$ x x by
 ! same "n z ,i to call$ x by ! same "n 
z ,i  ,god %all see u to to be prep>$ to
 ,god %all see u to be prep>$  ! full   
beauty ( all ! ! bonds to ! full beauty 
( all ! bonds  7?\gh entirely )\t ef=t  
on h] "p7 is imm5sely increas$7 to 7?\gh
 entirely )\t ef=t on h] "p7 is imm5sely

 increas$