,,the ,,prodigal ,,returns ,by ,lilian ,staveley ,the ,author of ,the ,golden ,fountain and ,the ,romance of the ,soul ,london ,john ,m4 ,watkins #ba ,cecil ,court1 ,charing ,cross ,road1 ,w4,c4 #b #aiba ,,contents ,part ,i4 #g ,part ,,ii4 #fc ,part ,,iii4 #ha ,part ,,iv4 #ajb ,part ,v4 #aea ,,part ,i ,sunshine and a garden path 4 4 4 flowers 4 4 4 the face and neck and bosom of the nurse upon whose heart ,i lay1 and her voice telling me that she must leave me1 that we must part1 and immediately after anguish--blotting out the sunshine1 the flowers1 the face1 the voice4 ,this is my first recollection of ,life--the pain of love4 ,i was two years old4 ,nothing more for two years--and then the picture of a pond and my baby brother floating on it1 whilst with agonised hands ,i seized his small white coat and held him fast4 ,and then a meadow full of long1 deep grass and summer flowers1 and ,i--industriously picking buttercups into a tiny petticoat to take to cook1 to make the butter with1 ,i said4 ,and then a table spread for tea4 ,our nurses1 my two brothers1 and myself4 ,angry words and screaming baby voices1 a knife thrown by my little brother4 ,rage and hate4 ,and then a wedding1 and ,i a bridesmaid1 aged five years--the church1 the altar1 and great awe1 and afterwards a long white table1 white flowers1 and a white ,bride4 ,grown men on either side of me--smilingly delightful1 tempting me with sweets and cakes and wine1 and a new strange interest rising in me like a little flood of exultation--the joy of the world1 and the first faint breath of the mystery of sex4 ,then came winters of travel4 ,sunshine and mimosa1 olive trees against an azure sky4 ,climbing winding1 stony paths between green terraces1 tulips and anemones and vines2 white sunny walls and lizards2 green frogs and deep wells fringed around with maidenhair4 ,mountains and a sea of lapis blue1 and early in the mornings from this lapis lake a great red sun would rise upon a sky of molten gold4 ,in the rooms so near me were my darling brothers1 from whom ,i often had to part4 ,beauty and ,joy1 and ,love and ,pain--these made up life4 ,at ten ,i twice narrowly escaped death4 ,from ,paris we were to take the second or later half of the train to ,marseilles4 ,late the night before my father suddenly said1 ,i have changed my mind2 ,i feel we must go by the first train4 ,this was with some difficulty arranged4 ,on reaching an immense bridge across a deep ravine ,i suddenly became acutely aware that the bridge was about to give way4 ,in a terrible state of alarm ,i called out this fearful fact to my family4 ,i burst into tears4 ,i suffered agonies4 ,my mother scolded me1 and when we safely reached the other side of the bridge ,i was severely taken to task for my behaviour4 ,the bridge broke with the next train over it--the train in which we should have been4 ,some four hundred people perished4 ,it was the most terrible railway disaster that had ever occurred in ,france4 ,a few weeks later1 death came nearer still4 ,having escaped from our tutor1 with a party of other children we ran to two great reservoirs to fish for frogs4 ,laughing and talking and full of childish joy1 we fished there for an hour1 when all at once ,i was impelled1 under an extraordinary sense of pressure1 to call out1 ,if anyone falls into the water1 no one must jump in to save them1 but must immediately run to those long sticks 7,i had never noticed them until ,i spoke7 and draw one out and hold it to whoever has fallen in4 ,i spoke automatically1 and felt as much surprised as my companions that ,i should speak of such a thing4 ,within five minutes ,i had fallen in myself4 ,my brother remembered my words1 but before he could reach me with the stick ,i was under the water for the third and last time4 ,it was all that they could do to drag my weight up to the ledge1 for the water was a yard below it4 ,had my brother jumped in1 as he said he most surely would have done had ,i not forewarned him1 we must both have been drowned1 for they would have had neither the strength nor the time to pull us both out alive4 ,i was not at all frightened or upset till ,i heard someone say that ,i was dead2 then ,i wept--it was so sad to be dead6 ,the pressure put upon me to speak as ,i did had been so great that ,i have never forgotten the strange impression of it to this day4 ,on both these occasions ,i consider that ,i was under immediate ,divine protection4 ,i believed earnestly in ,god with the complete and peaceful faith of childhood4 ,i thought of ,him1 and was afraid3 but more afraid of a great ,angel who stood with pen and book in hand and wrote down all my sins4 ,this terrible ,angel was a great reality to me4 ,i prayed diligently for those ,i loved4 ,sometimes ,i forgot a name3 then ,i would have to get out of bed and add it to my prayer4 ,as ,i grew older1 if the weather were cold ,i did not pray upon the floor but from my bed1 because it was more comfortable4 ,i was not always sure if this were quite right1 but ,i could not concentrate my mind on ,god if my body was cold1 because then ,i could not forget my body4 ,i saw ,god very plainly when ,i shut my eyes6 ,he was a ,white ,figure in white robes on a white throne1 amongst the clouds4 ,he heard my prayers as easily as ,i saw ,his robes4 ,he was by no means very far away1 though sometimes ,he was further than at others4 ,he took the trouble to make everything very beautiful3 and ,he could not bear sinful children4 ,the ,angel with the ,book read out to ,him my faults in the evenings4 ,when ,i was twelve years old my grandmother died1 and for three months ,i was in real grief4 ,all day ,i mourned for her1 and at night ,i looked out at the stars1 and the terrible mystery of death and space and loneliness struck at my childish heart4 ,after thirteen ,i could no longer be taken abroad to hotels1 for my parents considered that ,i received too much attention1 too many presents1 too many chocolates from men4 ,i was educated by a governess1 and was often very lonely4 ,my brothers would come back from school2 then ,i overflowed with happiness and sang all day long in my heart with joy4 ,the last night of the holidays was a time of anguish4 ,upstairs the clothes were packed4 ,downstairs ,i helped them pack the play-boxes1 square deal boxes at sight of which tears sprang to my eyes and a dreadful pain gripped my heart4 ,oh1 the pain of love at parting6 there never was a pain so terrible as suffering love4 ,the last meal3 the last hour3 the last look4 ,there are natures which feel this anguish more than others4 ,we are not all alike4 ,i had been passionately fond of dolls4 ,now ,i was too old for such companions1 and when my brothers went away ,i was completely alone with my governess and my lessons4 ,i fell into the habit of dreaming4 ,in these dreams ,i evolved a companion who was at the same time myself--and yet not an ordinary little girl like myself1 but a marvellous creature of unlimited possibilities and virtues4 ,she even had wings and flew with such ease from the tops of the highest buildings1 and floated so delightfully over my favourite fields and brooks that ,i found it hard to believe that ,i myself did not actually fly4 ,what glorious things we did together1 what courage we had1 nothing daunted us6 ,i cared very little to read books of adventure1 for our own adventures were more wonderful than anything ,i ever read4 ,not only had ,i wings1 but when ,i was my other self ,i was extremely good1 and the ,angel with the ,book was then never able to make a single adverse record of me4 ,and then how easy it was to be good3 how delightful1 no difficulties whatever6 ,as we both grew older the actual wings were folded up and put away4 ,the virtues remained1 but we led an intensely interesting life1 and a certain high standard of life was evolved which was afterwards useful to me4 ,when1 later on1 ,i grew up and my parents allowed me to have as many friends as ,i wanted1 and when ,i became exceedingly gay1 ,i still retained the habit of this double existence2 it remained with me even after my marriage and kept me out of mischief4 ,if ,i found myself temporarily dull or in some place ,i did not care for1 clothed in the body of my double1 like the wind1 ,i went where ,i listed4 ,i would go to balls and parties1 or with equal ease visit the mountains and watch the sunset or the incomparable beauties of dawn1 making delicate excursions into the strange1 the wonderful1 and the sublime4 ,i gathered crystal flowers in invisible worlds1 and the scent of those flowers was ,romance4 ,all this vivid imagination sometimes made my mind over-active3 ,i could not sleep4 ,count sheep jumping over a hurdle1 ,i was advised4 ,but it did not answer4 ,i found the most effective way was to think seriously of my worst sins--my mind immediately slowed down1 became a discreet blank--,i slept6 ,i grew tall and healthy4 ,at sixteen ,i received my first offer of marriage and with it my first vision of the love and passion of men4 ,i recoiled from it with great shyness and aversion4 ,yet ,i became deeply interested in men1 and remained so for very many years4 ,from that time on ,i never was without a lover till my marriage4 ,,ii ,at seventeen my lessons came to an end4 ,i had not learnt much1 but ,i could speak four languages with great fluency4 ,i learnt perhaps more from listening to the conversation of my father and his friends4 ,he had always been a man of leisure and was acquainted with many of the interesting and celebrated people of the day1 both in ,england and on the ,continent4 ,i was devoted to him1 and whenever he guided my character he did so with the greatest judgment4 ,he taught me above all things the need of self-control1 and never to make a remark of a fellow-creature unless ,i had something pleasant or kind to say4 ,there was no subject upon which he was unread2 and when my brothers1 who were both exceedingly clever1 returned from college and the ,university1 wonderful and brilliant were the discussions that went on4 ,both my parents were of ,huguenot descent1 belonging to the old ,french noblesse4 ,i think the ,latin blood had sharpened their brains1 and certainly gave an extra zest to life4 ,my father was a great believer in heredity1 and the following personal experience may show him somewhat justified in his belief4 ,in quite early childhood ,i commenced to feel a preference for the left side of my body3 ,i washed1 dried1 and dressed the left side first2 ,i preserved it carefully from all harm2 ,i kept it warm4 ,i was1 comparatively speaking1 totally indifferent to my right side4 ,as ,i grew older ,i observed that the place of honour was upon the right-hand side3 ,i understood that ,god had made the world and ruled it with ,his right hand6 ,i was wrong1 then1 in preferring my left hand4 ,i determined to change over4 ,it was very difficult to do3 so deep was the instinct that it took me some years to eradicate the love for my left side and transfer it to my right1 and when ,i had at last accomplished it ,i was still liable to go back to my first preference4 ,no one ever detected my peculiarity4 ,i was already eighteen or nineteen years old when one day ,i entered my father's room1 ready dressed to go out4 ,i had on both my gloves4 ,suddenly ,i remembered that ,i had put on my left glove first4 ,immediately ,i took off both my gloves--then ,i replaced the right one1 and then the left4 ,my father was watching me and asked me for an explanation4 ,i gave it him1 and he looked very grave1 almost alarmed4 ,after a moment of silence he said1 ,i want you to give that habit up--,i want you to break yourself of it immediately4 ,i had it myself as a youth3 it took me years to conquer4 ,no one should permit himself to be the slave of any habit4 ,i asked him which side he had loved4 ,the left side1 he said4 ,at five-and-twenty he had conquered the habit1 and ,i was not born till he was almost sixty-one6 yet ,i had inherited it4 ,we never referred to it again1 and in two years ,i1 also1 had conquered it4 ,we spent the winter of the year in which ,i was seventeen in ,italy1 to which country a near relative was ,ambassador1 and there ,i went to my first ball4 ,that night--and how often afterwards6--,i knew the surging exultation1 the intoxication of the joy of life4 ,how often in social life1 in brilliant scenes of light and laughter1 music and love1 ,i seemed to ride on the crest of a wave1 in the marvellous glamour of youth6 ,this love of the world and of social life was a very strong feeling for many years3 at the same time and running1 as it were1 in double harness with it was a necessity for solitude4 ,my mind imperatively demanded this1 and indeed my heart too4 ,it was during this year that ,i first commenced a new form of mental pleasure through looking at the beautiful in ,nature4 ,not only solitude1 but total silence was necessary for this pastime1 and1 if possible1 beauty and a distant view3 failing a view ,i could accomplish it by means of the beauties of the sky4 ,this form of mental pleasure was the exact opposite of my previous dreamings1 for all imagination absolutely ceased1 all forms1 all pictures1 all activities disappeared--the very scene at which ,i looked had to vanish before ,i could know the pleasure of this occupation in which1 in some mysterious manner1 ,i inhaled the very essence of the ,beautiful4 ,at first ,i was only able to remain in this condition for a few moments at a time1 but that satisfied me--or1 rather1 did not satisfy me1 for through it all ran a strange unaccountable anguish--a pain of longing--which1 like a high1 fine1 tremulous nerve1 ran through the joy4 ,what induced me to pursue this habit1 ,i never asked myself4 ,that it was a form of the spirit's struggle towards the ,eternal--of the soul's great quest of ,god--never occurred to me4 ,i was worshipping the ,beautiful without giving sufficient thought to ,him from ,whom all beauty proceeds4 ,half a lifetime was to go by before ,i realised to what this habit was leading me--that it was the first step towards the acquirement of that most exquisite of all blessings--the gift of the ,contemplation of ,god4 ,ah1 if anyone knows in his heart the call of the ,beautiful1 let him use it towards this glorious end6 ,love1 and the ,beautiful--these are the twin golden paths that lead us all to ,god4 ,,iii ,certainly we were not a religious family4 ,one attendance at church upon ,sunday--if it did not rain6--and occasionally the ,communion1 this was the extent of any outward religious feeling4 ,but my father's daily life and acts were full of ,christianity4 ,a man of a naturally somewhat violent temper1 he had so brought himself under control that towards everyone1 high and low1 he had become all that was sweet and patient1 sympathetic and gentle4 ,about this time a devouring curiosity for knowledge commenced to possess me4 ,what was the truth--what was the truth about every single thing ,i saw8 ,astronomy1 ,biology1 ,geology--in these things ,i discovered a new and marvellous interest3 here at last ,i found my natural bent4 ,history had small attraction for me3 it spoke of the doings of people mostly vain or cruel1 and untruthful4 ,i wanted truth--irrefutable facts6 ,no scientific work seemed too difficult for me2 but ,i never1 then or later1 read anything upon the subject of religion1 philosophy1 or psychology4 ,i had a healthy1 wholesome young intelligence with a voracious appetite3 it would carry me a long way1 ,i thought4 ,it did--it landed me in ,atheism4 ,to a woman ,atheism is intolerable pain3 her very nature1 loving1 tender1 sensitive1 clinging1 demands belief in ,god4 ,the high moral standard demanded of her is impossible of fulfilment for mere reasons of race-welfare4 ,the personal reason1 the ,personal ,god--these are essential to high virtue4 ,young as ,i was1 ,i realised this4 ,outwardly ,i was frivolous2 inwardly ,i was no butterfly1 the deep things of my nature were by no means unknown to me4 ,i not only became profoundly unrestful at heart but ,i was fearful for myself1 and of where strong forces of which ,i felt the pull might lead me4 ,i had great power over the emotions of men3 moreover1 interests and instincts within me corresponded to this dangerous capacity4 ,i felt that the world held many strange fires3 some holy and beautiful2 some far otherwise4 ,without ,god ,i knew myself incapable of overcoming the evil of the world1 or even of my own petty nature and entanglements4 ,i despaired1 for ,i perceived that ,god does not reveal ,himself because of an imperious demand of the human mind1 and ,i had yet to learn that those mysteries which are under lock and key to the intelligence are open to the heart and soul4 ,but indeed there was no ,god to reveal ,himself4 ,all was a fantastic make-believe6 a pitiful childish invention and illusion6 ,my intelligence said1 ,resign yourself to what is1 after all1 the truth3 console yourself with the world and material achievements4 ,the heart said1 ,resignation is impossible1 for there is no consolation to the heart without ,god4 ,i listened to my heart rather than my intelligence1 and for two terrible years ,i fought for faith4 ,i was always reserved1 and never admitted anyone into the deep things of my life--but when ,i was twenty my father perceived that ,i was going through some inward crisis4 ,he knew the books that ,i read1 and probably guessed what had happened to me4 ,at any rate he called me into his room one day and asked me1 out of love and obedience to himself1 to give up reading all science4 ,this was an overwhelming blow to me3 yet ,i loved him dearly1 and had never disobeyed him in my life4 ,again ,i let my heart speak2 and ,i sacrificed my mind and my books4 ,i threw myself now more than ever into social amusements1 and in my solitary hours sought consolation in my dream-life4 ,i was afraid to turn to the love of ,nature--to my beautiful pastime1--for the pain in it was unbearable4 ,towards the end of two years my struggles for faith commenced to find a reward4 ,little by little a faint hope crept into my mind--fragile1 often imperceptible4 ,a questioning remark made by my younger brother helped me3 ,if human life is entirely material and a part of ,nature only1 then what becomes of human thoughts and aspirations8 ,science had proved to me that nothing is lost--but has a destiny--in that it evolves into another form or condition of activity4 ,evolution6 with its many seeming contradictions to ,religion--might it not be merely a strong light1 too strong as yet for my weak mind1 blinding me into temporary darkness8 ,what raised ,man above the beasts but his thoughts and aspirations2 and if even a grain of dust were imperishable1 were these thoughts and aspirations of ,man alone to end in nothing--to be lost6 ,it was but a reasonable inference to say ,no4 ,these invisible thoughts and aspirations have also a future--a destiny in a1 to us1 still invisible world--in the ,life of the ,spirit4 ,to this my mind was able to agree4 ,it was a step4 ,in the realm of ,ideal ,thought ,i might find again my ,faith4 ,i had indeed been foolish to suppose that a system which provided for the continuation of a grain of sand should overlook the ,spirit of ,man4 ,this was presupposing the existence of a spirit in ,man2 but who could be found to truly and reasonably hold that the mysterious high and soaring thoughts of ,man were one and the same thing as mere animalism8 they were too obviously of another nature to the merely bovine1 to the solids of the flesh3 for one thing1 they were free of the law of gravity which so entirely overrules the rest of ,nature--they must therefore come to their destiny in another world1 another condition of consciousness4 ,,iv ,that winter we again spent in ,italy1 in continuous gaiety amongst a brilliant cosmopolitan world of men and women who for the most part lived in palaces1 surrounded with art and luxury4 ,here in ,rome on every side was to be found the ,cult of the ,beautiful4 ,wonderful temples1 gems of classical sculpture1 masterpieces of colour in oil and fresco--the genius and the aspirations of men rendered permanent for us by ,art2 but the ,temples1 those silent emblems of man's worship of an ,unknown ,god1 with their surroundings of lovely nature1 affected me far the most deeply3 indeed1 ,i do not pretend that sculptures and pictures affected me at all4 ,i was interested1 ,i greatly admired--they were a part of education1 but that was all4 ,but in the vicinity of those ,temples what strange echoes awoke in me1 what mysterious sadness and longing1 what a mystery of pain6 ,something within me sighed and moaned for ,god4 ,if ,i could but find ,him--if ,i could even truly ,believe and be at peace6 ,but already ,i had commenced to ,believe4 ,during the late winter we went to one of the great ceremonies at the ,vatican3 we had seats in the ,sistine ,chapel4 ,it was an especial occasion1 and the number of persons present was beyond all seating accommodation4 ,to make way for someone of importance ,i was asked to give up my seat and go outside into the body of the great ,cathedral2 here ,i was hurriedly pushed into the second row of a huge concourse of waiting and standing people4 ,already in the distance the ,pope was approaching4 ,lifted high in his chair on the shoulders of his bearers1 he came slowly along in his white robes1 his hand raised in a general blessing upon all this multitude4 ,as he came nearer ,i saw the delicate ivory face--the great dark eyes shining with a fire ,i had never seen before4 ,for the first time in my life ,i saw holiness4 ,i was moved to the depths of my being4 ,something in my gaze arrested his attention2 he had his chair stopped immediately above me1 and1 leaning over me1 he blessed me individually--a very great concession during a large public ceremony4 ,i ought to have gone down on my knees--but ,i had no knees6 ,i no longer had a body6 ,there was no longer anything anywhere in the world but ,holiness--and my enraptured soul4 ,holiness1 then1 was far beyond the ,beautiful4 ,i had not known this till ,i saw it before me4 ,life hurried me on3 glowing hours and months succeeded each other4 ,in the autumn ,i fell in love4 ,i came to the consciousness of this1 not gradually1 but all in one instant4 ,i had no chance of drawing back1 for it was already fully completed before ,i realised it4 ,i came to the realisation of it through a dream 7sleep-dreams were always exceedingly rare with me73 on this occasion ,i dreamed a friend showed me the picture of a girl to whom she said this lover 7he had been my lover for a year7 was engaged4 ,i awoke1 sobbing with anguish4 ,i could not disguise from myself the fact that ,i must be in love4 ,when the time came to speak of it to my parents1 my mother would not hear of the marriage--there was no money3 ,i must make another choice4 ,two brilliant opportunities offered themselves--money--position2 but ,i could not bring myself to think of either4 ,love was everything3 a prolonged secret engagement followed4 ,i went into ,society just as before4 ,at this time an aptitude for fortune-telling showed itself3 it amused my friends--,i told fortunes both by palmistry1 which ,i studied quite seriously1 and by cards4 ,with both ,i went largely by inspiration4 ,i found this inspiration varied with the individual4 ,there were many persons to whom ,i could give the most extraordinarily accurate details of past1 present1 and future2 others moderately so2 others were a total blank1 in which case ,i either had to remain silent or try to make up4 ,i got such a reputation for this--,i was so sought after for it by even total strangers--that in a couple of years ,i pushed it all far away from me as an intolerable nuisance4 ,v ,the ,faith that had been growing up in me was of a very different form from that which ,i had had before3 wider1 purer1 infinitely more powerful1 and1 though ,i did not like to remember the pain of them1 ,i felt that those struggling years of doubt and negation had been worth while--without those struggles ,i felt ,i never could have had so powerful a faith as ,i now had4 ,god was at an indefinite and infinite distance1 but ,his ,existence was a thing of complete certainty for me4 ,of the mode and means of ,connection with ,him ,i had no smallest knowledge or even conception4 ,i addressed ,him with words from the brain and the lips4 ,an insuperable wall perpetually separated me from ,him4 ,now my father became ill with heart trouble4 ,doctors1 nurses1 all the dreaded paraphernalia of sickness pervaded the house4 ,during two terrible years he lingered on4 ,heart-broken at the sight of his sufferings1 ,i hardly left his bedside4 ,finally death released him4 ,but my health1 which had always been good1 was now completely broken down2 ,i became a semi-invalid1 always suffering1 too delicate to marry4 ,under pressure of this continued wretchedness ,i sank into a nerveless condition of mere dumb endurance--a passive acceptance of the miseries of life as willed by ,god1 ,i assured myself4 ,i entered a stagnant state of mere resignation1 whereas accompanying the resignation there should have been a forward-piercing endeavour to reach out and attain a higher spiritual level through ,jesus ,christ3 a persistent effort to light my lamp at the ,spiritual ,flame to which each must bring his own lamp1 for it is not lit for him by the mere outward ceremony of ,baptism--that ceremony is but the ,invitation to come to the ,light3 for each one individually1 in full consciousness of desire1 that lighting must be obtained from the ,saviour4 ,i had not obtained this light4 ,i did not comprehend that it was necessary4 ,i understood nothing2 ,i was a spiritual savage4 ,vague1 miserable thoughts1 gloomy self-introspections1 merely fatigue the vitality without assisting the soul4 ,what is required is a persistent endeavour to establish an inwardly felt relationship first to the ,man ,jesus4 ,his ,personality1 ,his ,characteristics are to be drawn into the secret places of the heart by means of the natural sympathy which plays between two hearts that both know love and suffering1 and hope and dejection4 ,sympathy established--love will soon follow4 ,later1 an iron energy to overcome will be required4 ,the supreme necessity of the soul before being filled with love is to maintain the will of the whole spiritual being in conformity with the ,will of ,god4 ,in the achievement of this she is under incessant assistance3 in fact everything in the spiritual life is a gift--as in the physical3 for who can produce his own sight or his own growth8 ,in the physical these are automatic--in the spiritual they are accomplished only1 as it were1 by request1 and this request a deep all-pervading desire4 ,we cannot of our own will climb the spiritual heights1 neither can we climb them without using our will4 ,it is ,will flowing towards ,will which carries us by the power of ,jesus ,christ to the ,goal4 ,,vi ,with recovered health1 ,i married1 and knew great happiness2 but as a bride of four months ,i had to part from my husband1 who went to the ,south ,african ,war4 ,always1 always this terrible pain of love that must part4 ,always it was love that seemed to me the most beautiful thing in life1 and always it was love that hurt me most4 ,he was away for fifteen months4 ,i made no spiritual advance whatever4 ,mystified by so much pain1 ,i now began to regard ,god if not as the actual ,author of all pain1 at any rate as the ,permitter of all pain4 ,more and more ,i fell back in alarm at the discovery of the depths of my own capacities for suffering4 ,a tremendous fear of ,god now commenced to grow up in me1 which so increased that after a few years ,i listened with astonishment when ,i heard people say they were afraid of any person1 even a burglar6 ,i could no longer understand feeling fear for anyone or anything save ,god4 ,all my actions were now governed solely by this sense of weighty1 immediate fear of ,him4 ,this continued for some ten years4 ,when my husband at last returned from the ,war we took up again our happy married life1 and we lived together without a cross word1 in a wonderful world of our own1 as lovers do4 ,it was remarkable that we were so happy1 for we had no interests in common4 ,my husband loved all sports and all games1 whereas interest in those things was frankly incomprehensible to me4 ,in the winter1 when he was out in the hunting-field1 ,i spent much time by myself2 but ,i was never dull1 for ,i could walk out amongst ,nature and indulge in my pastime1 if the weather were fine3 and if not1 ,i could observe and admire everything that grew and lived close at hand in the hedgerows and fields1 and ,i would work for hours with my needle1 for then ,i could think2 ,i worked hard in the garden4 ,a dreadful question now often presented itself to me3 ,had ,i really a soul at all1 or was ,i merely a passing shadow1 here momentarily for ,god's amusement8 ,if ,i had an eternal soul1 where did it live--in my head with my brain as a higher part of my mind8 ,men had souls1 ,i was sure of that2 and they asserted the possession of them very positively--but women8 ,i understood ,mahomed grudgingly granted them a half-soul1 and that only conditionally4 ,scriptures spoke harshly of women2 ,paul was bitter against them2 all the sins and troubles of the world were laid upon their delicate and beautiful shoulders4 ,in ,revelation ,i found no mention whatever of ,woman in the life of the ,resurrection4 ,all this hurt me4 ,what profound injustice--to suffer so much and to receive no recognition whatever whilst men walked off with all the joys after leading very questionable lives6 ,why continue to struggle to please ,god when ,his interest in me would so soon be over8 ,i went through very real and great spiritual sufferings1 and temptations to throw myself again solely into world-interests1 to console myself with the here and now1 for ,i had the means3 it was all to my hand4 ,i swayed to and fro3 at one time ,i felt very hard towards ,god1 terribly hurt by this love-betrayal4 ,but when ,i looked at the beauties of ,nature and the glories of that endless sky1 ah1 my heart melted with tenderness and admiration for the marvellous ,maker of it all4 ,truly1 ,he was worthy of any sacrifice upon my part4 ,if my poor1 tiny1 suffering life afforded ,him amusement1 ,i was willing to have it so4 ,after all--for what wretched1 ugly1 and miserable men women frequently sacrificed themselves without getting any other reward for it than neglect and indifference4 ,how much better to sacrifice oneself to the ,all-,perfect1 ,all-,beautiful ,god6 ,i finally resigned myself entirely and completely to this point of view1 and1 having done so1 ,i thus addressed1 in all reverence and earnestness1 the ,deity3-- ,almighty ,god1 if it is ,thy ,will to blot out ,woman from ,paradise ,i most humbly assure ,thee of this--,man will miss her sorely2 and ,thou ,thyself1 ,almighty ,god1 when ,thou dost visit ,paradise1 wilt miss her also6 ,after this ,i seldom said any private prayers1 for ,i was not of the ,acceptable ,sex4 ,but ,i paid a public respect to ,god in the church1 where ,i worshipped ,him with profound reverence and great sadness4 ,but ,i thought of ,him in my heart constantly1 with all those tender1 loving1 longing thoughts which are the heart's bouquet held out to ,god4 ,happiness for me1 then1 must be found entirely in this world1 and ,i found it in my love for my husband4 ,happiness was that which the whole world was looking for2 but ,i could not fail to notice more and more the ridiculous picture presented by ,society in its pretences of being the means of finding this happiness4 ,none of its ardent devotees were happy people2 they were excited1 egotistical1 intensely vain and selfish1 often bitter and disappointed1 filled with a demon of competition1 jealous1 and full of empty1 insincere smiles4 ,i perceived the chagrins from which they secretly suffered--the tears behind the laughter4 ,i was not in the least deceived or impressed by any of them1 but wondered how they managed to hang together and deceive each other4 ,more and more ,i looked for purely mental pleasures4 ,mind was everything4 ,i now began to despise my body--,i almost hated it as an incubus6 ,social successes or failures grew to be a matter of complete indifference to me1 and social life resolved itself into being solely the means of bringing mind into contact with mind4 ,the question of fashionable environment ceased to exist for me1 but the question of how and where to meet with thinking minds was what concerned me3 it was not an easy one to solve in the usual conditions of country life1 with its sports and its human-animal interests4 ,finally1 total mental solitude closed around me4 ,in spite of my doubt as to the existence of a woman-soul1 ,i still felt the same piercing desire and need for ,god--the acquisition of knowledge in no way lessened this pain4 ,what1 after all1 is knowledge by itself8 ,the light of the highest human intelligence seems hardly greater than the wan lamp of a diminutive glow-worm1 surrounded by the vastness of the night4 ,in sorrow1 in trouble1 in pain1 could knowledge or the mind do so much more for me than the despised body8 ,no1 something more than the intelligence was needed to give life any sense of adequacy3 even human love was insufficient4 ,god ,himself was needed1 and the ever-recurring necessity would force itself upon me of the need for a personal direct connection with ,god4 ,i continued to find it utterly impossible to achieve this4 ,mere faith by no means fulfilled my requirements4 ,god1 then1 remained inaccessible--the mind fell back from every attempt to reach ,him4 ,he was unknowable1 yet not unthinkable--that is to say1 ,he was not unthinkable as ,being1 but only in particularisation and in realisation4 ,i could know ,him to ,be2 but in that alone where was any consolation8--,i found it totally inadequate4 ,it was some form of personal ,contact that was needed2 but if my mind failed to reach this1 with what else should ,i reach it8 ,ah1 ,i was infinitely too small for this terrible mystery2 but1 small as ,i was1 how ,i could suffer6 ,why this suffering8 ,why would ,he not show ,himself8 ,harsh1 rebellious1 criticising thoughts frequently invaded me3 the whole scheme of ,nature and of life at times appeared cruel1 unreasonably so4 ,all the old ever-to-be-repeated cycle of bitter human thoughts had to be gone all through again in my own individual atom4 ,here and there the bitterness might vary3 as1 for instance1 the collapse and corruption of the body with its hideous finale never caused me distress4 ,i had become too indifferent to the body2 but ,i found that most persons clung to it with extraordinary tenacity1 indeed appeared to regard it as their most valuable possession6 ,what ,i did resent1 and was deeply mystified by1 was the capacity for suffering and pain which had no balance in any corresponding joy4 ,it was idle to say that the joy of festivities1 even of human love1 equalled the anguish of grief over others1 or the sufferings of physical ill-health4 ,they did not counterbalance it2 sorrow was more weighty than joy1 and far more durable4 ,later ,i became convinced that there did exist a full equivalent of joy1 as against pain1 and that ,i merely had no knowledge of how to find it4 ,years succeeded each other in this way1 bringing greater loosening of earth-ties1 more abstraction1 certainly no improvement of character4 ,my husband's duties as a soldier took us to many parts of the world4 ,during a visit to ,africa ,i was struck by lightning1 and for ten days my sufferings were almost unendurable2 every nerve seemed electrocuted4 ,it was long before ,i quite recovered4 ,whilst this illness lasted1 though it caused him no inconvenience and he led his life exactly as usual1 ,i yet noticed a change in my husband's love4 ,i was deeply pained1 almost horrified1 by this revelation of the natural imperfection of human love3 profoundly saddened1 ,i asked myself was it nothing but lust which had inspired and dictated all the poems of the world8 ,i thought more and more of ,jesus' love2 ,i began to know that nothing less than ,his perfect love could satisfy me4 ,in this illness ,i was tremendously alone4 ,,vii ,i commenced to meditate upon the life and the character and the love of ,jesus ,christ4 ,i was now about thirty-six4 ,gradually ,he became for me a secret ,mind-,companion4 ,i began to rely upon this companionship--though it appeared intensely one-sided1 for at first it seemed always to be ,i who gave6 ,nevertheless ,i found a growing calm arising from this apparently so one-sided friendship4 ,a subtle assistance and comfort came to me1 it was impossible to say how1 yet it came from this companionship as it came from nothing else4 ,that ,jesus ,christ was ,god ,i knew to be the faith of the ,church1 but that ,he actually was so ,i felt no conviction of whatever3 indeed1 it was incomprehensible to me4 ,i thought of ,him as a ,perfect ,man1 with divine powers4 ,he was my ,jesus4 ,i denied nothing1 for ,i was far too small and ignorant to venture to do so3 ,i kept a perfectly open mind and loved ,him for ,himself1 as the ,man ,jesus4 ,this went on for some years4 ,in all my spiritual advancement ,i was incredibly slow6 ,what had delayed me in progress was lack of using the right ,procedure and the right ,prayer4 ,i sought for ,god with persistence and great longing2 but ,i sought ,him as the ,father1 and the ,godhead is inaccessible to the creature4 ,on becoming truly desirous of finding ,god it is necessary that with great persistence we pray the ,father in the name of ,jesus ,christ that ,he will give us to ,jesus ,christ and nil the heart and mind with love for ,christ4 ,only through ,jesus ,christ can we find the ,godhead1 and we cannot be satisfied with less than the ,godhead4 ,with the creature we cannot come into contact with the ,godhead--but with the soul only4 ,the soul is awakened1 revived1 reglorified by ,grace of ,jesus ,christ2 and the ,holy ,spirit effects the repentance and conversion of the heart and mind1 for without this conversion towards a spiritual life the soul remains in bondage to the unconverted creature4 ,,viii ,one day ,i returned from a walk1 and hardly had ,i entered my room when ,i commenced thinking with great nearness and intimacy of ,jesus2 and suddenly1 with the most intense vividness1 ,he presented ,himself before my consciousness so that ,i inwardly perceived ,him1 and at once ,i was overcome by a great agony of remorse for my unworthiness3 it was as though my heart and mind broke in pieces and melted in the stress of this fearful pain1 which continued--increased--became unendurable1 and lasted altogether an hour4 ,too ignorant to know that this was the pain of ,repentance1 ,i did not understand what had happened to me2 but now indeed at least ,i knew beyond a doubt that ,i had a soul6 ,my wonderful ,lord had come to pay me a visit1 and ,i was not fit to receive ,him--hence my agony4 ,i would try with all my strength to improve myself for ,him4 ,i was at first at a standstill to know even where to commence in this improvement1 for words fail to describe what ,i now saw in myself6 ,up till now ,i had publicly confessed myself a sinner1 and privately calmly thought of myself as a sinner1 but without being disturbed by it or perceiving how ,i was one6 ,i kept the commandments in the usual degree and way1 and was conscientious in my dealings with others4 ,now all at once--by this ,presentment of ,himself before my soul--which had lasted for no more than one moment of time--,i suddenly1 and with terrible clearness1 saw the whole insufferable offensiveness of myself4 ,for some time1 even for some weeks1 ,i remained like a person half-stunned with astonishment4 ,then ,i determined to try to become less selfish1 less irritable and impatient1 to show far more consideration for everyone else1 to be rigidly truthful3 in fact1 try to commence an alteration4 ,for one thing--about telling lies--,i had always been quite truthful in large things1 but often told some social lies for my own convenience1 and sometimes told them for no reason at all6 ,this spontaneous ,evil filled me with more astonishment than shame2 whence did this ,evil come8 ,i could never account for this strange ,intruder which seemed to have a separate life and will of its own1 and which1 with no conscious invitation upon my part1 would suddenly visit me6 and in all manner of shapes and ways6 ,but whatever my difficulties1 ,i had always this immense incentive--to please my ,jesus1 tender and wonderful1 my ,perfect ,friend4 ,two years went by1 and on ,easter morning1 at the close of the service as ,i knelt in prayer in the church1 ,he suddenly presented ,himself again before my soul1 and again ,i saw myself1 and again ,i went down and down into those terrible abysses of spiritual pain2 and ,i suffered more than ,i suffered the first time3 indeed1 ,i have never had the courage to quite fully recall the full depths of this anguish to mind4 ,after this my soul knew ,jesus as ,christ the ,son of ,god1 and my heart and mind accepted this without any further wonder or question1 and entirely without knowing how this knowledge had been given1 for it came as a gift4 ,a great repose now commenced to fill me1 and the world and all its interests and ways seemed softly and gently blown out of my heart by the wings of a great new love1 my love for the ,risen ,christ4 ,though outwardly my friends might see no change1 yet inwardly ,i was secretly changing month by month4 ,even the great love ,i had for my husband began to fade3 this caused me distress2 ,i thought ,i was growing heartless1 and yet it was rather that my heart had grown so large that no man could fill it6 ,i felt within me an immense1 incomprehensible capacity for love1 and the whole world with all its contents seemed totally1 even absurdly1 inadequate to satisfy this great capacity4 ,i suffered over it without understanding it4 ,,ix ,i had a garden full of old-fashioned flowers1 surrounded by high walls with thatch4 ,as ,i grew in my heart more and more away from the world1 ,i worked more in the garden1 and whilst ,i worked ,i thought mostly about ,god--,god so far away and hidden1 and yet so near my heart4 ,there were many different song-birds in the garden1 and one robin4 ,i loved the robin best of all4 ,his song was not so beautiful as the blackbird's or so mellow as the thrush's2 but they hid and ran away from me1 whilst the robin sought me out and stayed with me and sang me1 all to myself1 a little1 tiny1 gentle song of which ,i never grew tired4 ,if ,i stayed quite still1 he came so close he almost touched me2 but if ,i moved towards him1 he flew away in a great fright4 ,it seemed to me ,i was like that robin1 and ,i wanted to come close1 close to the feet of ,god4 ,but ,he would not let me find ,him4 ,he would not make me any sign4 ,he would not let me feel ,i knew ,him4 ,did ,he in ,his wisdom know that if ,he showed ,himself too openly ,i should go mad with fear or joy8 ,i could not tell4 ,but every day as the robin sang to me in the garden ,i sang to ,god a little gentle song out of my heart--a song to the hidden ,god ,who called me1 and when ,i answered ,him would not be found1 and1 still remaining hidden1 called and called till ,i was dumb with the pain and wonder of this mystery4 ,then suddenly came the ,great ,war4 ,my husband was amongst the first to have to go4 ,all my love for him which ,i had thought to be fading now rose up again to its full strength3 it was no mere weakly sentiment1 but a powerful type of human love which had been able to carry me through fifteen years of married life without one hour of quarrelling2 its roots were deep into my heart and mind3 the very strength and perfection of it but made of it a greater instrument for torture4 ,why should this most beautiful of all human emotions carry with it so heavy a penalty1 for which no remedy appeared to exist8 ,it had not then been made clear to me that all human loves must first be offered up and ascend into the love of ,god3 then only are they freed from this ,pain-,tax4 ,god must first be ,all in ,all to us before we can enter amongst the number who are all in all to ,him--constantly consoled by ,him4 ,this condition of being all in all is demanded as a right by all men and women in mutual love1 yet we deny this right to ,god3 we are not even willing to attempt it6 this failure to be willing is the grave error we make4 ,our attitude to ,god is not one of love1 but of an expectancy of favours4 ,an identical sacrifice is demanded of us in marriage--father1 mother1 brothers1 sisters1 friends3 all these loves must become subservient to the new love1 and with what willingness and smiles this sacrifice is usually made6 ,not so with our sacrifices to ,god--we make them with bitter tears1 hard hearts1 long faces4 ,is ,he never hurt by this perpetual grudgingness of love8 ,but ,i had not yet learnt any of this1 and ,i could not accept1 ,i could not swallow this terrible cup4 ,i thought of ,christ in the ,garden of ,gethsemane4 ,he understood and knew all pain2 ,i had ,his companionship1 but ,he offered me no cessation of this pain4 ,it must be borne2 had ,he not borne ,his own up to the bitter end8 ,i shrank1 appalled1 from the suffering ,i was already in and the suffering that lay before me4 ,relief from this agony1 relief1 relief6 ,but there was no relief4 ,in utter darkness all must be gone through4 ,at least ,i was not so foolish as to attribute all this horror that was closing in upon the world to the direct ,will of ,god3 ,i could perceive that1 on the contrary1 it was the spirit of ,anti-,christ1 it was the will of ,man with his greeds1 his cruelty1 his self-sufficient pride1 together with a host of other evils1 which had brought all this to pass4 ,but could not--would not--,god deliver the innocent2 must all alike descend into the pit8 ,i tried to obtain relief by casting this burden on to ,christ1 and was not able to accomplish it4 ,i tried to draw the succour of ,god down into my heart1 and ,i tried to throw myself out and up to ,him--,i could do neither3 the vast barrier remained2 ,faith could not take me through it4 ,a horrible kind of second sight now possessed me1 so that1 although ,i never heard one word from my husband1 ,i became aware of much that was happening to him--knew him pressed perpetually backwards1 fighting for his life1 knew him at times lying exhausted out in the open fields at night4 ,at last ,i began to fear for my reason2 ,i became afraid of the torture of the nights and sat up reading1 forcing my mind to concentrate itself upon the book--the near-to-hand help of the book was more effective than the spiritual help in which something altogether vital was still missing4 ,relief only came when after a month a letter reached me from my husband1 saying that the terrible retreat was over and he safe4 ,months and years dragged by4 ,sometimes the pain of it all was eased2 sometimes it increased4 ,as grass mown down and withered in the fields gives out the pleasant scent of hay1 so in her laceration and her anguish did the soul1 ,i wondered1 give off some ,pain-,song pleasing to ,almighty ,god4 ,at first ,i recoiled with terror from this thought2 finally love overcame the terror--,i was willing to have it so1 if it pleased ,him4 ,my soul reached down into great and fearful depths4 ,i envied the soldiers dying upon the battlefields2 life was become far more terrible to me than death4 ,looking back upon my struggles1 ,i see with profound astonishment how unaware ,i was of my impudence to ,god in attributing to ,him qualities of cruelty and callousness1 such as are to be found only amongst the lowest men6 ,yet good was permitted to come out of this evil2 for where ,i attributed to ,god a callousness and even an enjoyment of my sufferings1 ,i learnt self-sacrifice1 the effacement of all personal gain1 and total submission for love's sake to ,his ,will1 cruel though ,i might imagine it to be4 ,with what tears does the heart afterwards address itself in awed repentance to its ,beloved and ,gentle ,god6 ,a painful illness came and lasted for months4 ,having no home1 ,i was obliged to endure the misery of it as best ,i could among strangers4 ,at this time ,i touched perhaps the very lowest depths4 ,how often ,i longed that ,i might never wake in the morning6 ,i loathed my life4 ,during this illness ,i came exceedingly near to ,christ1 so much so that ,i am not able to describe the vividness of it4 ,what ,i learnt out of this time of suffering ,i do not know--save complete submission4 ,i became like wax--wax which was asked to take only one impression1 and that pain4 ,i was too dumb2 ,i should have remembered those words1 that men ought not to faint1 but to pray4 ,bewildered1 and mystified by my own unhappiness and that of so many others all around me1 ,i sank in my submission too much into a state of lethargic resignation1 whereas an onward-driving resolution to win through1 a powerful determination to seek and obtain the immediate protection and assistance of ,god1 a standing before ,god1 and a claiming of ,his help--these things are required of the soul3 in fact that importunity is necessary of which ,jesus spoke 7,luke xi4 #g-i73 ,and he from within shall answer and say1 ,trouble me not 4 4 4 ,i cannot rise and give thee4 ,i say unto you he will not rise and give him because he is his friend1 yet because of his importunity he will rise and give him as many as he needeth4 ,and ,i say unto you1 ,ask1 and it shall be given you2 seek1 and ye shall find2 knock1 and it shall be opened unto you4 ,such times of distress are storms1 fearful battles of the soul in which she must not faint but rise up and walk towards ,god and clamour for help2 and she will receive it4 ,in ,his own good time ,he will give her all that she asks and more even than she dreamed of4 ,she must claim from ,god a continual restrengthening1 and search with glowing aspiration for a more joyous love4 ,x ,it was summer-time3 a great battle was raging in ,france4 ,a friend wrote me that my husband was up in the very foremost part of it4 ,i heard no word from my husband2 weeks passed1 and still the same ominous silence4 ,at last the day came when the shadow of these two fearful years rose up and overwhelmed me altogether4 ,i went up on to the wild lonely hill where ,i so often walked1 and there ,i contended with ,god for ,his help4 ,for the first time in my life there was nothing between ,god and myself--this had continually happened with ,jesus ,christ1 but not with ,god the ,father1 ,who remained totally inaccessible to me4 ,now1 like a man standing in a very dark place and seeing nothing but knowing himself immediately near to another--so ,i knew myself in very great nearness to ,god4 ,i had no need for eyes to see outwardly1 because of the immense magnetism of this inward ,awareness4 ,at one moment my heart and mind ran like water before ,him--praying ,him1 beseeching ,him for ,his help2 at another my soul stood straight up before ,him1 contending and claiming because she could bear no more3 and it felt as though the ,spirit of ,god stood over against my spirit1 and my spirit wrestled with ,god's ,spirit for more than an hour4 ,but ,he gave me no answer1 no sign1 no help4 ,he gave me nothing but that awful silence which seems to hang for ever between ,god and ,man4 ,and ,i became exhausted1 and turned away in despair from ,god1 and from supplication1 and from striving1 and from contending1 and1 very quiet and profoundly sad1 ,i stood looking out across the hills to the distant view--how gentle and lovely this peace of the evening sky1 whilst on earth all the nations of the world were fighting together in blood and fury and pain6 ,i had stood there for perhaps ten minutes1 mutely and sadly wondering at the meaning of it all1 and was commencing to walk away when suddenly ,i was surrounded by a great whiteness which blotted out from me all my surroundings4 ,it was like a great light or white cloud which hid all my surroundings from me1 though ,i stood there with my eyes wide open3 and the cloud pricked1 so that ,i said to myself1 ,it is an electric cloud1 and it pricked me from my head down to my elbows1 but no further4 ,i felt no fear whatever1 but a very great wonder1 and stood there all quite simple and placid1 feeling very quiet4 ,then there began to be poured into me an indescribably great vitality1 so that ,i said to myself1 ,i am being filled with some marvellous ,elixir4 ,and it filled me from the feet up1 gently and slowly1 so that ,i could notice every advance of it4 ,as it rose higher in me1 so ,i grew to feel freed3 that is to say1 ,i had within me the astounding sensation of having the capacity to pass where or how ,i would--which is to say ,i felt freed of the law of gravity4 ,i was like a free spirit--,i felt and knew within myself this glorious freedom6 ,i tasted for some moments a new form of living6 ,words are unable to convey the splendour of it1 the boundless joy1 the liberty1 the glory of it4 ,and the incomprehensible ,power rose and rose in me until it reached the very crown of my head1 and immediately it had quite filled me a marvellous thing happened--the ,wall1 the dreadful ,barrier between ,god and me1 came down entirely1 and immediately ,i loved ,him4 ,i was so filled with love that ,i had to cry aloud my love1 so great was the force and the wonder and the delight and the might of it4 ,and now1 slowly1 the vivid whiteness melted away so that ,i saw everything around me once more just as before2 but for a little while ,i continued to stand there very still and thoughtful1 because ,i was filled with wonder and great peace4 ,then ,i turned to walk home1 but ,i walked as a ,new ,creature in a ,new ,world--my heart felt like the heart of an angel1 glowing white-hot with the love for ,god1 and all my sorrows fled away in a vast joy6 ,this was ,his answer1 this was ,his help4 ,after years and years of wrestling and struggling1 in one moment of time ,he had let me find ,him1 ,he had poured ,his ,paradise into my soul6 ,never was such inconceivable joy--never was such gladness6 ,my griefs and pains and woes were wiped away--totally effaced as though they had never existed6 ,oh1 the magnificence of such splendid joy6 ,the whole of space could scarcely now be large enough to hold me6 ,i needed all of it--,i welcomed its immensity as once ,i was oppressed by it4 ,god and my ,soul1 and ,love1 and ,light1 and ,space6 ,,part ,,ii ,at last my little suffering life is sheltered in the known1 the felt1 protection of the ,ineffable and ,invisible ,being4 ,the ,being ,who1 without revealing ,himself to me by sight or sound1 yet communicates ,himself to me in some divine manner at once all-sufficing and inexpressible4 ,i ask no questions3 ,i am in no haste of anxious learning4 ,my heart and my mind and my soul stand still and drink in the glory of this happiness4 ,all day1 often half the night1 ,i worship ,him4 ,i love ,him with this new love1 so different from anything known before4 ,the greatest earthly love1 by comparison to it1 has become feeble1 impure1 almost grotesque in its inefficiency--a tinsel counterfeit of this glistening mystery which must still be spoken of as love because ,i know no other name4 ,i find it difficult1 almost impossible1 to speak to my fellow-creatures1 because ,i have only two words1 two thoughts in my entire being3 my ,god1 and my love for ,him4 ,i am like a thing that is magnetised1 held3 ,i am not able1 day or night1 to detach my mind from ,god4 ,i wake with ,his name upon my lips1 with ,his glory in my soul4 ,in all this there is no virtue on my part2 there is no effort2 the capacity for this boundless devotion is a free gift4 ,coming immediately after my anguished prayer on the hill1 it appears to me to have come solely on account of that one prayer--the previous prayers1 struggles1 endeavours of five-and-twenty years are entirely forgotten4 ,i comprehend nothing of the mystery1 neither as yet do ,i feel any desire to comprehend it2 but in a world where only love1 beauty1 happiness1 and repose exist1 ,i walk and talk and live alone with ,god4 ,yet the war was continuing as usual1 my husband was in the same danger1 ,i became ill with influenza1 my friends continued to die of wounds1 my relations to be killed one by one2 but in all this there was no pain3 the sting1 the anguish1 had gone out of every single thing in life4 ,my consciousness feels to be composed of two extremes3 ,i am a child of a few years of age1 to whom sin1 suffering1 pain1 evil1 and temptation are not known1 and yet1 though knowing so little1 ,i know the unutterably great--,i know ,god4 ,this cannot be expressed--merely1 it can be said that two extremes have met4 ,this new consciousness1 this new worship1 this new love is for the ,godhead4 ,christ is gone up into the ,godhead1 and ,i worship ,him in1 and as ,one with1 the ,godhead4 ,for three months this continues uninterruptedly4 ,then ,jesus ,christ presents ,himself to my consciousness4 ,jesus1 ,who led me to this happiness1 now calls and calls to my soul4 ,immediately ,i commence to respond to ,him4 ,he is drawing me away2 ,he is teaching me something--at first ,i do not know what1 but soon ,i know that ,he is leading me out of this ,eden1 this paradise of my childhood3 ,i know it1 because ,i begin to feel pain again1 and to recognise evil4 ,o my ,jesus1 my ,jesus1 must ,i really follow ,thee out of ,paradise back into pain8 ,yes1 in less than two weeks ,i am fully back in the world again--but not the same world1 because ,i know how to escape from it4 ,the ,door that ,i knocked at1 and that all in one moment was opened to me1 is never closed4 ,i can go in and out4 ,god never closes to me the right of way2 never severs those secret wires of ,divine ,communication4 ,but my soul is not nursed1 as it were1 in ,his ,hands day and night--she must learn to grow up4 ,woeful education1 deadly days of learning1 stony paths that hurt1 that hurt all the more because of the felicity that only so recently was mine4 ,for three months ,i am walking further and further out of ,eden and back into the horrors of the world--following ,jesus4 ,one night ,i compose myself as usual for sleep1 but ,i do not sleep1 neither can ,i say that ,i am quite awake4 ,it is neither sleep1 nor is my wakefulness the usual wakefulness4 ,i do not dream1 ,i cannot move4 ,my consciousness is alight with a new fiery energy of life2 it feels to extend to an infinite distance beyond my body1 and yet remains connected with my body4 ,i live in a manner totally new and totally incomprehensible1 a life in which none of my senses are used and which is yet a thousand1 and more than a thousand1 times as vivid4 ,it is living at white heat--without forms1 without sound1 without sight1 without anything which ,i have ever been aware of in this world1 and at a terrible speed4 ,what is the meaning of all this8 ,i do not know3 my body is quite helpless and is distressed1 but ,i am not afraid4 ,god is teaching me something in ,his own way4 ,for six weeks every night ,i enter this condition1 and the duration and power or intensity of it increase by degrees4 ,it feels that my soul is projected or travels for incalculable distances beyond my body--7long afterwards ,i understand through experience that this is not the mode of it1 but that the soul remaining in the body is by some de-insulation exposed to the knowledge of spirit-life as and when free of the flesh7--and ,i learn to comprehend and to know a new manner of living1 as a swimmer learns a new mode of progression by means of his swimming1 which is not his natural way4 ,by the end of three weeks ,i can remain nightly for many hours in this condition1 which is always accompanied by an intense and vivid consciousness of ,god4 ,as this consciousness of ,god becomes more and more vivid so my body suffers more and more4 ,by day ,i can only eat the smallest morsels of food1 which almost choke me1 but ,i drink a great quantity of water4 ,i am perfectly healthy1 though ,i have hardly any sleep and very little1 indeed almost no1 food--the suffering is only at night with the breathing and the heart when in this strange condition4 ,but ,i have no anxiety whatever2 ,i am glad that ,he shall do as ,he pleases with me4 ,nothing but love can give us this supreme confidence4 ,during the whole of these experiences ,i live in a state of very considerable abstraction4 ,but this now suddenly increases1 increases to such an extent that ,i hardly know whether to call it abstraction or the extremity of poverty4 ,i now become divested of all interests outside and inside1 divested of the greater part of my intelligence1 divested of my will4 ,i am of no value whatever1 less than the dust on the road4 ,in this awful nothingness ,i am still ,i4 ,my consciousness continues and is not confounded with or lost in any other consciousness1 but is reduced to stark nakedness and worth nothing3 and this worthless nothing is hung up and1 as it were1 suspended nowhere in particular as far from earth as from heaven1 totally unknown and unwanted by both ,god and ,man4 ,i am naked patience--waiting4 ,i have a few thoughts1 but very few3 ,i think one thought where in normal times ,i should think ten thousand4 ,i feel and know that ,i am nothing1 and ,i feel that this has been done to me2 just as before1 all that ,i had was also done to me and was a gift4 ,so ,i acknowledge that ,i once had and was perhaps something and that now ,i possess and certainly am nothing--,i acknowledge it1 ,i accept it1 without hesitation1 without protest4 ,one of my few thoughts is that ,i shall remain for the rest of my natural life in this pitiful state where1 however1 ,i shall hope to be preserved from further sinning simply because ,i have not a sufficiency of will1 intelligence1 or thought with which to sin6 ,i am too completely nothing to be able to sin4 ,i have another thought1 which is that as ,i no longer have any intelligence with which to deal with the ordinary difficulties of life1 such as street life and traffic1 ,i shall shortly be run over and killed2 and so ,i put a card with my address on it into my little handbag1 for the convenience of those who shall be obliged to deal with my body afterwards4 ,i have just sufficient capacity left me to automatically1 mechanically1 go through with the necessities of life4 ,i have not become idiotic4 ,i live in a tremendous and profound solitude1 such a solitude as would frighten many people greatly4 ,but my beautiful pastime had accustomed me to solitude and also to something of this nothingness--a brief nothingness was a necessary part of the beautiful pastime3 so ,i have no fears now of any kind2 but ,i wonder4 ,perhaps ,i am just four things--wonder1 patience1 resignation1 and nothing4 ,yet through this dreadful solitude penetrates the inspiration of some unseen guide4 ,as regards this particular time ,i am convinced that this guide is an outside presence4 ,i depend in all my goings and comings upon the guidance of this guide who proves incredibly accurate in every detail1 in details of even the smallest necessities4 ,if this guide is a part of myself1 it is that of me with which ,i have not previously come in contact2 and it is not the ,reason1 but far beyond the ,reason1 for it divines4 ,it is then either a spiritual guide1 companion1 or guardian angel1 or it is a power possessed by the soul herself--a foretasting cognisance1 a mysterious intuition of which we as yet comprehend little or nothing1 and which we have not yet learnt to command3 it presents itself2 it absents itself2 but it condescends to every need2 it is always helpful1 always beneficent2 it sees that which it sees before the event2 it hears that which it hears before the words are spoken4 ,it guides by what would seem to be two very different modes3 the greater things come by a mode altogether indescribable2 but for the small things of every day ,i will take simple examples here and there4 ,i am abroad4 ,someone in the family at home is taken dangerously ill4 ,i am urgently needed2 but the trains are overcrowded1 ,i am unable to get my seat transferred to an earlier date1 ,i cannot let them know at home when ,i shall return3 all is uncertain1 all is chaos4 ,i am painfully anxious1 ,i am ashamed to say ,i am greatly worried3 ,i turn as always to my ,lord1 asking ,him to forgive these selfish fears and to help me4 ,a little while later a scene presents itself to me--,i see my own room1 ,i hear the voice of a page-boy standing in the door and saying1 ,you are wanted on the telephone2 then ,i am at the telephone1 and a voice is saying to me1 ,your train accommodation is transferred to ,friday the #aith4 ,that is all1 because ,i am rung off4 ,five days pass4 ,i am in my room1 and the page is really standing at the door1 and he says1 ,you are wanted on the telephone4 ,i go to the telephone1 and a voice says1 ,your train accommodation is transferred to ,friday the #aith4 ,that is all1 because ,i am rung off4 ,again1 there is a young lay-reader1 closely in contact with ,christ2 he has a wife and young child4 ,the weather is bitterly cold4 ,a picture suddenly comes before me of this family1 and there is a voice saying1 ,he was gathering together the last little pieces of fuel when your present came4 ,immediately ,i understand that ,i am required to send coal to these people1 and to do it at once without delay4 ,the following day the wife comes with tears to thank me1 and she tells me1 ,we were in despair2 my husband's heart is so weak he cannot bear the cold1 he becomes seriously ill4 ,he was gathering together the last little pieces of fuel when your present came4 ,or1 again1 ,i very badly need a pair of walking shoes1 but for weeks ,i have been so absorbed in contemplation that the pain of bringing myself from this holy joy to do shopping is too great1 and ,i delay and delay2 ,i cannot bring myself to it2 but shoes are a necessity of earthly life4 ,having exceedingly narrow feet1 ,i am obliged always to get my shoes from a certain maker1 and now1 during the war1 he makes so few shoes4 ,to-day a picture of the shop comes before me1 and the words ,go to-day1 go to-day1 urge themselves upon my consciousness4 ,then a picture comes of the assistant2 ,i show her my foot1 and she says1 ,there is only one pair left2 how fortunate you came to-day6 ,so ,i understand ,i must go to my shopping and1 greatly against my will1 ,i go that afternoon4 ,the assistant comes forward1 and ,i show her my foot1 and she says1 ,there is only one pair left2 how fortunate you came to-day6 ,always in this mode of the guiding are the little picture and the exact words3 all of it of the easiest to describe2 but of the other and the greater guiding ,i do not know how to tell4 ,it is sheer pure knowledge1 received not in parts1 pictures1 or words1 but as a whole and in a mode so exquisitely mysterious as to be at once too intricate for description1 and yet simplicity itself6 ,sure1 perfect1 and serene mode of knowledge6 ,royal knowledge which knows no toil1 no sweat of work1 no common drudgery1 art thou of the soul herself1 or art thou altogether from outside the soul8 ,this ,i know1 that though the first mode would seem to be very small and to deal with littleness1 and the last mode seems to be entirely apart from it because of the greatnesses with which it deals that they are linked and that the power is one power soaring to the highest1 condescending to the smallest4 ,so now1 in the time of this strange abstraction and poverty1 when the cinematograph of my mind is closed down1 and with it the delicate mechanism which takes up1 uses1 and connects all that we take in by the senses1 and which makes the world so real and so comprehensible1 is become unhitched and disconnected1 so that nothing in the world seems any longer real or possesses either value or meaning1 and ,i stand before it all defenceless1 seemingly unable to deal with it1 utterly indifferent to it2 then and now ,reason may very well say to me1 ,you are in very great danger2 but ,i am not in any danger1 because ,i am guided whenever necessary by some condescending sagacity far more sagacious than my poor ,reason1 infinitely more penetrative and effectual than any sense of eye or ear4 ,i remain fully convinced that at this time1 at any rate1 it was an outside sagacity which guided me--truly a guardian angel4 ,this period of intense abstraction1 this strange valley of humiliation1 poverty1 solitude1 seemed a necessary prelude to the great1 the supreme1 experience of my life4 ,as ,i came slowly out of this poverty and solitude1 the joyousness of my spiritual experience increased3 the nights were no longer at all a time of sleep or repose1 but of rapturous living4 ,the sixth week came1 and ,i commenced to fear the nights and this tremendous living1 because the happiness and the light and the poignancy and the rapture of it were becoming more than ,i could bear4 ,i began to wonder secretly if ,god intended to draw my soul so near to ,him that ,i should die of the splendour of this living1 ,my raptures were not only caused by the sense of the immediate ,presence of ,god--this is a distinctive rapture running through and above all raptures1 but there are lesser ecstasies caused by the meeting of the soul with ,thoughts or ,ideas1 with melodies which bear the soul in almost unendurable delight upon a thousand summits of perfection2 and with an all-pervading rapturous ,beauty in a great light4 ,there is this peculiarity about the manner of these thoughts and melodies and beauties--they are not spoken1 heard1 or seen1 but lived4 ,i could not pass these things to my reason and translate the ,ideas into words or the melodies into sounds1 or the beauty into objects1 for spirit-living is not translatable to earth-living1 and ,i found in it no words1 no sounds1 no objects1 and ,i comprehended and ,i lived with that in me which is above ,reason and of which ,i had1 previously to these experiences1 had no cognisance4 ,there came a night when ,i passed beyond ,ideas1 beyond melody1 beyond beauty1 into vast lost spaces1 depths of untellable bliss1 into a ,light4 ,and the ,light is an ecstasy of delight1 and the ,light is an ocean of bliss1 and the ,light is ,life and ,love1 and the ,light is the too deep contact with ,god1 and the ,light is unbearable ,joy2 and in unendurable bliss my soul beseeches ,god that ,he will cover her from this most terrible rapture1 this felicity which exceeds all measure4 ,and she is not covered from it4 ,and she beseeches ,him again2 and she is not covered2 and being in the last extremity from this most terrible joy1 she beseeches ,him again3 and immediately is covered from it4 99 99 99 ,my soul1 my whole being1 is terrified of ,god1 and of joy4 ,i dare not think of ,him1 ,i dare not pray2 but1 like some pitiful and wounded child1 ,i creep to the feet of ,jesus4 ,when on the following evening once more the day closes and ,i compose myself for the night1 ,i wonder tremblingly to what ,he will again expose me2 but for the first time in six weeks ,i fall into a natural sleep and know no more until the morning4 ,then ,i understand that the lesson is over4 ,mighty and ,terrible ,god1 it was enough6 ,in the light of these measureless joys what is any earthly joy8 ,what is the very greatest experience of earthly happiness but so much waste paper8 ,what are the joys of those vices for which men sell their souls1 but soap-bubbles6 ,the whole meaning of life1 together with all the graduated and accepted values of it1 becomes for ever changed in the light of the knowledge of ,celestial ,happiness4 ,,part ,,iii ,i ,wonderful1 beautiful weeks went by1 filled with divine1 indescribable peace4 ,the ,presence of ,god was with me day and night1 and the world was not the world as ,i had once known it--a place where men and women fought and sinned and toiled and anguished and wondered horribly the meaning of this mystery of pain and joy1 of life and death4 ,the world was become ,paradise1 and in my heart ,i cried to all my fellow-souls1 ,why fret and toil1 why sweat and anguish for the things of earth when our own ,god has in ,his hand such peace and bliss and happiness to give to ,every man8 ,o come and receive it1 ,every man his share4 ,and the glamour of life in ,unity with ,god became past all comprehension and all words4 ,is life1 then1 a poem8 is it a melody8 ,i cannot say2 but it is one long essence of delight--a harmony of flowing out and back again to ,god4 ,o blessed life6 ,o blessed ,man6 ,o blessed ,god6 ,,ii ,one morning in my room ,i began thinking and reasoning about a wonderful change that ,i knew had crept all through me4 ,if ,god should now come at any moment of the day or night and turn over every secret page of heart and mind1 ,he would not find one thought or glimmer of any sort or kind of lust1 whether of the eye1 of the heart1 of the mind1 or of the body2 and all in one moment ,i realised the miracle that ,christ had worked in me1 and the words came over my mind1 ,though thy sins be as scarlet1 they shall be white as snow4 ,and ,i stood there1 gazing before me1 speechless1 and the tears of a joy that was an agony of gratitude poured and poured down my face like a rain4 ,i did not sob1 ,i could not speak1 and very quietly ,i took my heart and my mind and my soul and laid them for ever at the feet of ,christ4 ,,iii ,one evening as ,i knelt to say my prayers1 which were never long1 because since the ,visitation on the hill my natural habit--whether walking1 sitting1 working1 travelling1 or on my bed--had come to be a continual sending up from my heart and mind the tenderest and most adoring1 the most worshipping and thanking little stream of thoughts to ,god 7very much as a flower1 if we could but see it1 sends its scent to the sun74 ,and because this mode of prayer is so smooth and joyous1 so easy1 so unutterably sweet1 in that during it the ,presence of ,god laves us about as the sun laves the flower--so because of this it was only for short and set times that ,i worshipped ,him as the creature in prayers upon its knees2 but those few moments of prayer would always be intense1 the heart and the mind with great power bent wholly and singly upon ,god4 ,so now1 this evening as ,i knelt and dwelt in great singleness on ,god1 ,he drew me so powerfully1 ,he encompassed me so with ,his glamour1 that this singleness and concentration of thought continued much longer than usual on account of the greatness of the love that ,i felt for ,him1 and the concentration became an intensity of penetration because of this magnetism1 ,he turned on to me1 and my mind became faint1 and died1 and ,i could no longer think of or on ,god1 for ,i was one with ,him4 ,and ,i was still ,i2 though ,i was become ,ineffable ,joy4 ,when it was over ,i rose from my knees1 and ,i said to myself1 for five wonderful moments ,i have been in contact with ,god in an unutterable bliss and repose3 and ,he gave me the bliss tenderly and not as on that ,night of ,terror2 but when ,i looked at my watch ,i saw that it had been for between two and three hours4 ,then ,i wondered that ,i was not stiff1 that ,i was not cold1 for the night was chilly and ,i had nothing about me but a little velvet dressing-wrapper2 and my neck was not stiff1 though my head had been thrown back1 as is a necessity in ,communion with ,god2 and ,i thought to myself1 it is as if my body also had shared in the blessing4 ,and this most blessed happening happened to me every day for a short while1 usually only for a few moments4 ,in this way ,god ,himself caused and enabled me to contemplate and know ,him2 and ,i saw that it was in some ways at one with my beautiful pastime1 but with this tremendous difference in it--that whereas my mind had formerly concentrated itself upon the ,beautiful1 and remaining ,mind had soared away above all forms into its nebulous essence in a strange seductive anguish1 it now was drawn and magnetised beyond the ,beautiful directly to the ,maker of it3 and the soaring was like a death or swooning of the mind1 and immediately ,i was living with that which is above the mind3 in this living there was no note of pain1 but a marvellous joy4 ,slowly ,i learnt to differentiate degrees of ,contemplation1 but to my own finding there are two principal forms--,passive and ,active 7or ,high7 ,contemplation4 ,in meditation is little or no activity1 but a sweet quiet thinking and talking with ,jesus ,christ4 ,in ,passive ,contemplation is the beginning of real activity2 mind and soul without effort 7though in a secret state of great love-activity7 raise themselves1 focussing themselves upon the all-unseen ,godhead3 now is no longer any possible picture in the mind1 of anyone nor anything1 not even of the gracious figure or of the ways of ,christ3 here1 because of love1 must begin the sheer straight drive of will and heart1 mind and soul1 to the ,godhead1 and here we may be said first to commence to breathe the air of heaven4 ,there is no prayer1 no beseeching1 and no asking--there are no words and no thoughts save those that intrude and flash unwanted over the mind1 but a great undivided attention and waiting upon ,god3 ,god near1 yet never touching4 ,this state is no ecstasy1 but smooth1 silent1 high living in which we learn heavenly manners4 ,this is ,passive or ,quiet ,contemplation4 ,high ,contemplation ends in ,contact with ,god1 in ecstasy and rapture4 ,in it the activity of the soul 7though entirely without effort on her part7 is immensely increased4 ,it is not to be sought for1 and we cannot reach it for ourselves2 but it is to be enjoyed when ,god calls1 when ,he assists the soul1 when ,he energises her4 ,and then our cry is no more1 ,oh1 that ,i had wings6 but1 ,oh1 that ,i might fold my wings and stay6 ,,iv ,having come so far as this on the ,soul's ,great ,adventure all alone as far as human guidance and companionship was concerned1 and having for more than a year known the wonders of the joy of ,union with ,god--which ,i did not know or understand to call ,union1 but called it to myself ,finding ,god and coming into ,contact with ,him1 because this is how it feels1 and the unscholarly creature understands and knows it in that way--well1 having come so far1 ,i had a great longing to share this knowledge1 this exquisite balm1 with my fellows1 and ,i desired immensely to speak about it1 to know how they fell about it1 if they had yet come to it1 or how far on the way they were to it1 because ,i was all filled with the beauty of it1 as lovers are filled with the beauty of their love4 ,but ,i was frightened to speak to them1 something held me back3 also they felt to me to be so exceedingly full of the merest trifles--clothes and tea-parties and fashionable friends2 and each time ,i tried to speak1 in some mysterious way ,i found myself stopped4 ,so ,i thought that ,i would speak to a friend that ,i had in the ,church4 ,several times ,i had heard him preach very beautiful sermons1 and ,i felt ,i very greatly needed the guidance of someone who knew4 ,i wanted1 ,i longed for1 a human intermediary4 ,i knew that ,i was in the hands of the ,god ,whom for so many years ,i had so passionately sought2 but ,he was so immeasurably great1 and ,i so pitifully small1 and ,i needed a human being--someone to whom ,i might speak about ,god4 ,yet something warned me not to commence as though speaking of myself1 but of another person4 ,i said only a few words1 of the joy of this person in finding and loving ,god1 and immediately my friend spoke very severely of persons who imagined they had found1 and loved1 ,god4 ,god was not to be found by our puny1 shifting and uncertain love3 ,he was to be found by duty1 by obedience to ,church rules1 by pious attendance ,at ,church4 ,he explained to me various dogmas which helped me no more than the moaning of the wind2 he explained the absolute necessity 7for salvation7 of certain beliefs and written sentences1 and ceremonials in the ,church4 ,love was not the way4 ,love was emotion1 emotion was deceptive3 the mind1 and severe firm attention to the dictates of ,the ,church was what was required2 in fact1 he unfolded before me the ,ecclesiastical ,mind4 ,i shrank back from it1 dismayed1 frightened4 ,were all the deep needs and requirements of the soul to be satisfied in the singing of hymns and ,te ,deum1 in the close and reverent attention to the ,ceremonies before the altar1 and of the actions of ,priests6 ,did1 or could1 any reasoning creature truly think to ,find ,god by merely repeating1 however reverently1 the same prayers and ceremonies ,sunday after ,sunday6 ,could the great mountain up which my soul had sweated1 and which each soul must climb--could it be climbed by kneeling in a pew in church8 ,no2 a total change of character was needed1 and ,christ ,himself was necessary for this change--,jesus ,christ gliding into the heart and mind and soul1 and biding there because of that heart's1 that mind's1 invitation to1 and love for1 ,him4 ,secretly--in one's own chamber1 every hour of the day1 in the streets1 in the fields--in this way it might be accomplished4 ,with ,christ biding in the heart all the ,church service would become a thing of beauty as between the ,soul and ,god2 but without this ,jesus ,christ dwelling in the heart1 the connection was not yet made between the ,soul--the service--and the ,godhead4 ,perhaps amongst ,romans ,i should find the understanding that ,i looked for4 ,i had a friend1 a ,dominican3 ,i approached him1 and ,i could see that for 7as he thought7 my own good he longed to convert me to the ,roman ,church3 it did not seem that he wanted1 or by any means knew how1 to bring me into contact with ,god1 but his thought was to bring me to ,the ,church4 ,does anyone1 ,i asked him1 love ,god with all their heart1 and mind1 and soul1 and strength8 ,no1 said he1 that is hardly possible--what is required is--2 and here he gave me once more the contents of the ,ecclesiastical ,mind3 more authoritatively1 more positively2 but he spoke as ,i now commenced to realise all ,churchmen would speak--that is to say1 as persons having learnt by study1 by careful rule and rote1 by paper-knowledge1 that which can only be learnt in the spirit direct from ,god4 ,how immense is the difference to the ,soul between this knowledge that comes of the spirit and the knowledge that comes of study--the knowledge which too easily becomes mechanical religion6 ,i thought of the beautiful and gracious simplicity of the knowledge that ,christ gives to the soul3 ,i saw the nature of the sore disease that afflicts the soul of ,christ's ,church1 ,i saw also a terrible pain for ,christ in all this of which ,i had previously been unaware4 ,i was thrown back and into myself by it all1 and into a great loneliness as far as my fellow-beings were concerned4 ,yet ,i continued to need to share ,christ with humanity1 piercingly1 pressingly4 ,i would go to a library and find a book--but1 on the other hand1 ,i did not know the name of a single religious book or writer4 ,so ,i wrote my need to a friend1 and she sent me the life of one1 ,angela of ,foligno4 ,this book was a great delight to me1 because1 though written in tiresome mediaeval language1 it yet expressed and shared exactly what ,i also knew and loved1 and folded in strange wrappings of the fashion of the thought of long ago lay the same exquisite jewel that ,i also knew--the pearl for which men gladly sell all that they have in order to keep it--the knowledge of the ,secret of the ,kingdom of ,heaven1 of the ,union of the ,soul with ,god4 ,a few months went by1 and ,i wrote asking for another book1 and this time came ,richard ,rolle to my acquaintance--a little dried-up hermit1 a holy man too1 though ,i noticed how very discourteous he was to women2 severe1 critical1 and suspicious1 merely because they were women4 ,how often ,i noticed this peculiarity1 both in the monks of to-day with their averted eyes1 as if the shadow of a woman falling on them were pollution1 and long ago1 ,paul1 and ,peter also1 and ,moses1 and many others1 showed surprising weakness of intolerance and harsh judgment against ,woman6 ,where was ,wisdom in all this8 ,surely it was ,folly flaunting and laughing and dressing herself cunningly to deceive1 for did none of these men1 from ,adam downwards--did they never come to know themselves well enough to see that their danger lay not in the ,woman1 but in their own inclination to sin6 ,oh1 the righteousness of the greatest saint was1 and is1 but as dust and ashes before the righteousness of ,jesus6 and ,i came to wonder if there ever was or could be a saint1 save one--,jesus4 ,but this ,richard ,rolle1 this person so discourteous to some fellow-beings1 could all the same be very tender and loving towards ,god3 he1 too1 held in his heart the ,pearl without ,price4 ,he1 too1 knew that marvellous incense of the heart to ,god--that song of the soul1 and called it by the same name as ,i2 but how could it be called by any other name8 for every soul that knows it1 it must ever be the same4 ,oh1 how intimately ,i knew those two people of centuries ago1 and how intimately they knew me6 ,a strange trio we made--he1 the little wizened ,english hermit2 she1 the ,italian woman in her nun's habit2 and ,i in my modern ,bond ,street clothes3 outwardly we were indeed incongruous1 we had no links1 but inwardly we were bound together by bonds of the purest gold4 ,of whether my friend sent me another book or not ,i cannot be sure2 but my interest was becoming altogether removed from the past1 because ,christ was pressing me more and more to the present and the living4 ,v ,god says to the aspiring soul3 ,come1 taste of paradise and taste of heaven1 and then return thou to the earth and wait1 but not in idleness1 and suffer many things till thou become perfect4 ,so ,i found that in the earlier stages1 in order to show me the heights to which ,i might by perseverance attain1 ,he turned ,his ,power and ,glamour on to me1 and ,i became a creature transfixed and held by love4 ,i had one desire--,god2 ,i had one thought--,god2 ,i had one consciousness--,god4 ,there was no effort needed on my part3 it was ,pure ,grace and the result of past efforts4 ,having climbed and endured and endeavoured up to a certain degree1 it was necessary for further advance that there should be more knowledge1 and a more complete ineffaceable assurance4 ,he therefore exposed the soul to as much as she could enjoy of heavenly pleasures and consciousness1 without death to the flesh4 ,in these experiences the soul found and knew ,god to be the fulfilment of all desires and all needs4 ,the soul stood steadied before ,god in an unutterable ,happiness which she perceived had no limit but ,god's ,will1 and her own capacity to endure the rapture of ,him4 ,what is it that would seem to determine this immeasurable privilege of ,access to ,him8 ,it would seem to be a healthy willing will towards ,him under all circumstances 7to begin with74 ,in due time ,he converts this mere will into a sweet love1 the natural love of the heart and mind--by ,gift of the ,father we love ,jesus ,christ4 ,this is salvation4 ,but beyond salvation it would feel to be this way--after a further great endeavour and endurance on our part1 a further great striving towards ,him1 ,he will awaken and prick to new life the soul and fill us with ,holy ,love4 ,this is the second baptism1 the baptism of the ,spirit of ,love4 ,this is the entry to the ,kingdom1 and immediately we taste of the ,godhead4 ,what this is1 what this ravishment of happiness is1 cannot be known or guessed till we ourself have experienced it4 ,in all this we progress by the communicated ,power of ,christ4 ,how is this ,power to be recognised1 how is it communicated8 ,can we stand still and receive it like the dew1 without work8 ,at first1 no--but later it would almost seem to be yes2 or else it is that the exact attitude of heart and mind necessary for the reception of ,grace becomes so habitual1 so natural1 that eventually we come to live in a state in which the communication of this ,power becomes nearly continuous--though at any time by negligence or by a wrong attitude of ,spirit we fall away from it and lose it completely1 and in all times of temptation or of testing we are cut off from sensible contact with it4 ,we learn then that ,grace awaits every creature that attunes himself to the ,will of ,christ3 it awaits good and bad1 saint and sinner1 it transforms the sinner into the saint1 and but for its deliberate withdrawals we might suppose its action to be automatic1 we might suppose it a fixed power like the sun1 shining upon worthy and unworthy alike in degree4 ,but ,grace is far more subtle and mysterious than this4 ,grace is the most sublime1 the most exquisite secret of all the mysteries which exist between the ,soul and her ,maker4 99 99 99 ,i find that ,he works upon my soul by two opposite ways3 ,he draws her up to contact and sublime content2 ,he sets her down to solitude and hides ,himself3 ,he is there1 and will not speak4 ,and she suffers horribly3 and why not8 ,where is the injustice of this pain8 ,countless ages ago--who can count them8--the soul1 born in a palace1 has deliberately willed and chosen to become the ,wanderer1 the ,street ,walker2 therefore fold up self-pity and lay it aside1 because it does not live in the same house with ,truth4 ,cast off self-consciousness and pride1 because they are ridiculous1 and a man can only be great or noble in just so far as he has abandoned them4 99 99 99 ,what is it that often makes it so much harder for the soul to refind ,god when she is enclosed in the male body8 ,perhaps the greater strength of the natural lusts of the male3 perhaps the pride of ,being--as lord of creation2 or the pride of ,intelligence which says1 ,i rely easily upon myself1 ,i need no religion of hymn tunes1 ,i leave hymn tunes to women1 for the ardour and capacity of my manhood rush to far different aims4 ,but can any sane man think that the ,essential ,being who has created the universe1 with all its infinite wonders1 and this earth with its beauty and its wonderful flesh1 and so much more that is not flesh but the still more wonderful spirit--can any sane man really think that this ,essential ,being is stuck fast at hymn tunes 7which are ,man's own invention67 and knows not how to satisfy the needs and longings of that which ,he has ,himself created6 ,ardent and greatly mistaken ,sinner1 know and remember that to ,find ,god is to ,live ,tremendously4 99 99 99 ,o belovd ,man with thy strangely vain and small pursuits and pleasures--thy pipe1 thy wine1 thy women1 thy busy city life1 thine immense sagacity which once in twenty times outwits a fool or knave--thy vaunted living is a bubble in a hand-basin6 ,find ,god and ,live6 ,,part ,,iv ,i ,it would seem that lazily1 reposefully1 comfortably1 easily1 we can make no entry into the kingdom of heaven1 but must enter by contest1 by great endeavour4 ,the occasions of these contests will be according to the everyday circumstances of each individual2 the stress or distress of everyday life2 for this is ,christ's ,process--to take the everyday woes and happenings of life in the flesh and use them for spiritual ends4 ,what does the ,saviour ,himself tell us of the means of entry into the ,kingdom8 ,he uses two parables--that of the loaves of bread1 and that of the ,widow1 and both speak of persistent importunity4 ,if we would find ,god1 we must besiege ,him4 ,of entry to ,christ's ,process first it is necessary that we try in everything to please ,him3 subjecting our plans1 desires1 thoughts1 intentions1 to ,his secret approval1 asking ourselves1 ,will this please ,him best1 or that8 ,then the soul commences to truly know1 and to respond to1 ,christ4 ,but she is not satisfied3 she requires more4 ,woes may assail the whole creature3 ,christ offers no alleviation4 ,he leads her straight into the woes3 will she follow1 will she hold back8 ,the point to remember here is this1 that whether we follow ,christ or no we shall have woes3 if we forsake ,him1 we are not rid of woes2 if we follow ,him1 we are not rid of woes--not yet1 but later we become eased1 and even rid1 by means of ,consolations1 for ,god is able by ,his ,consolations to entirely overbalance the woe and make it happy peace1 though the cause of the woe remains4 ,remember this in the days of visitation1 and follow ,christ1 no matter where ,he leads4 ,christ leads through the woe1 because it is the shortest way4 ,the unguided soul wanders beside the woe1 hating and fearing it1 unable to rid herself of it1 gaining nothing by it1 suffering in vain1 and no ,companion comes to ease the burden with ,his company4 ,the progress of our spiritual advance would feel to be that because we become more and more aware of the failure of earthly consolations and amusements1 and more and more aware of the suffering1 the sin1 and the evil that there is about us1 so more and more our desires go out towards the good1 and more and more we turn to ,christ4 ,then ,christ may deliberately make ,himself non-sufficient for the soul1 and if ,he so does she must reach out after the ,godhead2 then by means of more woes the soul and the creature clamour more and more after the ,godhead and will not be satisfied with less than the ,godhead1 and1 continuing to clamour1 are brought by ,christ to the new birth1 the ,baptism of the ,holy ,ghost4 ,immediately the soul and creature become rid of ,woe2 and1 living a life altogether apart from the world1 in a marvellous crystal joy they taste of the ,godhead and of ,eternal ,pleasures4 ,this for a short time only3 we have entered the ,kingdom1 but are still the smallest of spiritual children3 tenderly1 wonderfully ,god cares for us1 but we must grow1 we must learn heavenly manners4 ,so ,jesus ,christ calls us again1 and where does ,he lead us8 ,straight back into the world1 the daily life from which we thought we had escaped6 ,here truly is a ,woe1 a ,woe worse than any ,woe we ever had before4 ,now we enter the ,course of spiritual temptations1 woes1 and endurances1 and in the midst of the pots and pans of daily life ,christ teaches us heavenly manners4 ,,ii ,since ,contemplation is so necessary for ,union with ,god and for the soul's enjoyment of ,god--is it a capacity common to all persons8 ,yes1 though1 like all other capacities1 in varying degrees2 but few will give themselves up to the difficulties of developing the capacity2 and it is easy to know why1 for our natural state is that we work for that which brings the easiest1 most immediate1 and most substantially visible reward4 ,those who could most easily develop their powers of contemplation are those to whom ,beauty speaks1 or those who are delicately sensitive to some ideal1 nameless1 elusive1 that draws and then retreats1 but in retreating still draws4 ,the poet1 the artist1 the dreamer that harnesses his mind--all can contemplate4 ,the ,thinker1 thinking straight through1 the proficient business man with his powers of concentration1 the first-rate organiser1 the scientist1 the inventor--all these men are contemplatives who do not drive to ,god1 but to the world or to ambition4 ,taking ,god as their goal1 they could ascend to great heights of happiness2 though first they must give up 7sacrifice7 all that is unsavoury in thought and in living3 yet such is the vast1 the boundless ,attraction of ,god that having once 7if only for a few moments7 retouched this lost ,attraction of ,his1 we afterwards are possessed with no other desire so powerful as the desire to retouch ,him again1 and sacrifice becomes no sacrifice4 ,truly1 having once known ,god1 we find life without ,him to be meaningless and as unbeautiful as a broken stem without its flower3 pitiful1 naked1 and helpless as the body of a butterfly without the wings4 ,,iii ,at this time ,i read ,bergson's ,creative ,evolution--a masterpiece of thinking by a man who1 like most others1 is seeking for ,god4 ,but ,i am unable to read the book through because of the pain it causes4 ,the pain is partly the same pain which ,i knew 7and which ,i re-enter again in sympathy with the writer7 when ,i tried in my youth to climb to ,god by the intelligence and will of my mind2 but there is also a new pain1 wide as an ocean1 the pain of ,compassion--for it is so long this way to ,god that ,bergson pursues1 so long1 so long2 and the particular way of this book is to me not like climbing1 but descending3 it resembles the frenzied action of a man searching for lilies downwards1 digging with painful persistence in the dark earth amongst roots4 ,how much more joyous to find the lily where she blooms1 above in the light6 ,there is another way of the ,intelligence3 a way of climbing to icy heights1 bare1 unwarmed by any ray of love1 but less painful than this descent amongst dark roots4 ,cold1 hard ,intelligence1 once to slip upon thy frozen way is to be broken on thy pitiless bosom6 ,o ,god1 in thy tender pity incline our hearts to seek ,thee by the way of ,love6 ,for the road of ,love comes easily to knowledge1 but the road of knowledge comes not easily to ,love4 ,and we know that love is above learning and wisdom4 ,did not ,solomon choose wisdom8 and we think him so wise to have made this choice1 but he had been far wiser to have chosen holy love4 ,for wisdom lost herself and him in the arms of unworthy love3 so we see the highest degree of the ,wisdom of ,man held in bondage to1 and undone by1 even the lowest degree of love4 99 99 99 ,dig deeply1 and what do we find is at bottom our great1 our persistent need8 ,what is it that instinctively we look for and desire8 ,happiness1 and the ,ever-new4 ,in and out of every day persistently1 desperately1 endlessly we seek4 ,and because we seek amongst the near-to-hand1 the visible1 the small1 we seek in vain3 we discover there is nothing in this world which can wholly and permanently satisfy either of these desires4 ,god ,himself is ,happiness4 ,god ,himself is the ,ever-new4 ,in ,divine ,love there is no monotony3 the soul finds that each encounter with ,god is ever new1 the ,ever-new tremulous with the beauty of rapture3 new and wonderful as the first dawn4 ,,iv ,not only is ,god a ,mystery of ,holiness1 of ,truth1 of ,love and ,beauty3 ,he is also ,generosity1 a mystery of ,eternal ,giving1 and ,his giving is and must for ever be1 the supreme necessity of the ,universe3 for without ,he gave how should we receive life1 truth1 beauty1 love1 or ,himself8 ,and it cannot be too deeply impressed upon the soul that would come to ,his ,presence that because of ,his law of like to like she must conform to this law in order to come to ,his ,presence4 ,by thinking it over we shall see that it is more difficult for us to be perfect holiness1 perfect truth1 perfect love1 perfect beauty1 than it is for us to be perfectly generous3 it is easier for us to give ,god all that we have1 to empty heart1 mind and soul1 and worldly goods at ,his feet1 than it is to reach to any other perfection2 for generosity appears to be more universal1 more within our capacities1 more natural to us than any other virtue--do we not see it continually used1 exercised1 spent1 thrown away on the merest trifles8 ,let us take1 for instance1 the tennis player3 to win the game he must give every ounce of himself to it--mind1 eye1 heart1 and body1--sweating there in the glare of the sun to win the game4 ,would he give himself so1 would he sweat so1 in order to find ,god1 or to please ,god8 ,oh no6 ,yet in the hour of death and afterwards1 will he be helped by this victory of flying balls8 ,if by chance we could lift a corner of the veil1 we might catch a glimpse of the face of ,folly1 mockingly1 cunningly peering at us1 as all too easily she persuades us to give of our royal coins of generosity to wantons1 to phantom enterprises1 to balls filled with air1 to dust and vanity4 ,generosity is our easiest means of coming to ,god1 because it is also the way of love3 if the tennis player did not love the game1 he would not give himself so to it4 ,but we cry1 ,i have nothing whatever to give to ,god2 it is to ,god ,i turn in order that ,he may give everything to me4 ,quite so3 there is too much of that4 ,we have obedience to give3 obedience is a great gift to ,god1 or1 more truthfully speaking1 in ,his magnanimity ,he accepts it as such2 we have also love to give1 and again we may cry1 ,but my love is puny1 shifting2 it is nothing at all1 a mere trifle4 ,that is true of natural love1 of the love that we commence of our own human nature to love ,him with2 but it is not true of the love which we receive of the ,holy ,ghost when ,he baptizes us4 ,when we offer this ,peculiar ,love1 offer it as only it can be offered--for love's sake1--immediately we are in the ,presence of ,god1 secretly1 marvellously united to ,him2 we are in the ,consolations of ,god1 and we have no need to ask for anything whatever2 indeed1 we find ourselves unable to ask1 because we are filled to the brim1 overflowing1 inexpressibly satisfied1 utterly blessed4 ,but supposing that we do not give to ,god1 but1 earnestly seeking ,him1 we merely ask some favour1 and sit and wait for ,him to give8 ,then probably we shall not be sensible of receiving anything from ,him whatever2 we shall feel at an immense distance from ,him2 then we shall become uneasy1 depressed1 fancy ourselves neglected1 imagine we have lost ,him--and so we have till we gloriously recover ,him by means of giving4 ,and if at times in the stress of this giving1 when ,he makes no response1 we feel it is too much1 we can give no more1 we are too discouraged to continue1 let us remember the strain and stress and endeavour that we and all our friends give to trifles1 and quietly use our common sense to judge whether in the winning of a game of ball1 or in the pleasing and finding of ,god1 we shall be the more blessed4 ,for ,god is to be found3 ,he waits4 99 99 99 ,the truth about our endeavours is that we have one pre-eminent1 pressing need above all other needs1 which is to ,find ,god4 ,when we have accomplished this we discover without any further teaching that we no longer care to pass our time with air-balls1 because they appear so paltry1 so inadequate4 ,we are grown up and are no longer puerile in our desires3 at the same time we are not without desires1 but1 on the contrary1 we glow with a new1 more ardent1 and larger set of desires4 ,v ,what ,i know of the soul's actual ,finding and ,contact with ,god ,i keep very closely to myself4 ,here and there to a few1 a very few souls1 ,i may speak3 to all others ,i am forbidden to speak4 ,i am stopped2 and ,i understand perfectly why this is3 it is that ,i should do more harm than good4 ,anyone looking at me would say 7and all the more so because ,i am dressed in the fashion of the day1 and not in some peculiar way1 or in a nun's habit1 for such trifling things affect many minds71 ,that person is demented to think that she knows what it is to have ,contact with ,god1 and it would seem a scandal to them4 ,but the explanation of the mystery is not so simple as this4 ,i am not demented4 ,i never was so sane1 so capable in my life as now4 ,i never was so perfectly poised as now4 ,but if you say to me1 ,explain what it is that you know1 in order that ,i too may know1 then ,i can say to you nothing more than1 ,come and know for yourself1 for ,god awaits you4 ,to illustrate a mere fraction of the difficulty of passing such a knowledge from one self to another self1 let us take such a case as that of a man born blind4 ,he sits beneath a tree1 on the grass4 ,you put a blade of grass in his fingers1 and also a leaf from the tree1 and you say to him1 ,this is grass1 and this is the leaf of the tree which shelters you1 and both are green4 ,and what1 he asks1 is green8 ,and to save your life you cannot make him know what it is1 or make him know the tree1 or know the grass1 though he touches them both with his hands4 ,how1 then1 shall ,god1 ,who can be neither seen1 nor heard1 nor touched1 how shall ,he be made known from one to another8 ,he must be experienced to be known4 ,and if you should say to me1 ,what does it feel like to have found ,god8 then ,i should say1 ,it feels that the roof is lifted off the world1 and wherever we may be or stand it is a straight line from us to ,god and nothing between1 nothing between1 day or night4 ,,vi ,to come to the contemplation of ,god it is not necessary to go through any lengthy toil1 some process of throwing out this or that1 painfully1 slowly1 denying the existence of everything in order to arrive at ,god4 ,the way is not denying1 but concentrating2 and in the act of concentration1 because of love1 all other things whatsoever in creation fall away into nothing and are no more1 because ,god in all ,his graciousness reveals ,himself1 and then ,he alone exists for the enraptured soul4 ,,vii ,supposing that we have found ,jesus ,christ1 supposing that we know ,him so well and have come to love ,him so much that our love for ,him is become stronger than any other love1 very much stronger than any other love1 and still1 in spite of hopes and endeavours1 we know that we have not found the ,godhead1 we have not found ,union with the ,first and ,third ,person of the ,holy ,trinity--the heavens have not1 as it were1 been opened to us to let our souls slip through to ,god4 ,are we to be discouraged because of this8 ,are we to think ourselves less favoured1 less loved8 ,a thousand times no4 ,we are1 perhaps1 in neither heart1 mind1 or soul quite sufficiently prepared for the great ordeals that must be gone through after ,union with ,god1 ,to find ,god is ,victory4 ,but ,victory has dangers4 ,we have perhaps not yet sufficiently developed just those exact qualities which it is essential we must have in order to maintain the connection with ,god in the face of all obstacles when once ,he is found4 ,when ,god reveals ,himself to a soul she is in great danger1 and she knows it1 because to fail ,him now1 to turn away now1 to be unfaithful now--this is a terrible disaster to the soul4 ,god in ,his mercy exposes no soul to such dangers until she is as ready as may be1 but ,he bides and ,he works in her till she is ready4 ,so it may very well be that it is not in this life that we come to ,union1 but later2 and the fact that we have not come to ,union is a sign to increase our nearness to ,christ by as much as we can3 the very smallest advance that we make in this life is of the utmost value to us later4 ,,viii ,the soul that is seeking ,union with ,god must not1 upon any pretext whatever1 engage itself in spiritualism4 ,spiritualism may have its great uses for the heart and mind which are without1 or are struggling for1 belief--the heart and mind of ,thomas seeking to touch1 to have a proof2 but remember the words of the ,saviour to ,thomas3 ,blessed are they1 ,he says1 who have not seen1 and yet have believed4 ,and we do not need to wait for death to receive this blessing1 but we receive it here4 ,the soul that would find ,god must go to ,him by means of ,his ,holy ,spirit1 and no other spirit but the ,spirit of ,god can take us to ,him2 and to try to hold communications with the spirits of men is not the way4 ,the soul that has come to ,union with ,god is perfectly aware of the existence of spirits--is intensely aware1--but refuses to pay any attention if she wise4 ,some of these spirits are very subtle1 very knowing2 some are full of flattery1 and very persistent2 others present themselves as still in human form1 and seek to terrify with their terrible faces1 some diabolical1 some appearing to be in a great agony and undergoing changes more astonishing and horrible than can be even imagined before experienced--and melting only to be re-formed into that which is yet more fearful4 ,have nothing whatever to do with spirits4 ,do not resist them when they come1 but drop them behind by fixing heart1 mind1 and soul on ,christ4 ,the ,spirit of ,christ easily overcomes every spirit1 every evil1 every fear1 and in order to ourselves overcome all such things1 we need to unite with the ,spirit of ,jesus ,christ by concentrating upon ,him with love1 and ignoring obstructions4 ,those who have lent themselves to spiritualism1 hoping to find comfort1 a lost friend1 or even ,god ,himself1 when they give it up 7as they must do7 they may find themselves greatly plagued by the fires with which they have been playing2 but these can soon be overcome by diligently uniting the heart and mind to ,jesus ,christ4 ,,ix ,after coming to full ,union with ,god1 the mind becomes permanently attached to ,him1 and this without effort2 but in order that it shall be without effort1 the will must be kept in a state of loving attention to ,him1 and this again can only be done without effort if the heart is so full of love that it desires nothing else than ,god2 and this is dependent again upon the grace which the soul receives from ,him because of her love and response--so now we see1 living and working in our own being1 the reason and meaning of ,his commandment to love ,him with all the heart1 mind1 soul1 and strength4 ,it is doing this after ,he has ,himself given us the power to do it which makes us able to live in the closest1 most delicious and precious nearness to ,god during all our waking hours4 ,but it takes time1 and it takes much pain to learn how to live this1 as it were1 double life--this inward life of companionship1 of wonderful and blessed inward intercourse with ,god1 and the outward intercourse of the senses with the world1 our everyday duties1 and our fellow-beings4 ,in our early stages we have profound innumerable difficulties in understanding either our own capacities or ,god's wishes3 we are terrified of losing ,him1 and yet are often bewildered1 and pained also1 by some of the higher degrees in which ,he communicates ,himself4 ,we do not understand how to leave ,god and return to earthly duties4 ,supposing that we are altogether wrapped up in the company of ,god1 and some fellow-being suddenly recalls us to the world 7the human voice can recall the soul as nothing else can71 the pain is so great as to be nothing less than anguish2 and if done often would seriously affect the health of the body4 ,but in a few years we learn to accomplish it without any shock4 ,one pain1 however1 remains1 and it grows4 ,i find myself unable to carry on a conversation with anyone unless it is about ,god1 or about some work which is for ,god and has to do with ,his pleasure 7and this is rare1 because people are so glued to worldly affairs71 for more than an hour1 and even less1 without the most horrible1 the most deathly1 exhaustion1 which is not only spiritual but bodily--the face and lips losing all colour1 the eyes their vitality3 so dreadful is the distress of the whole being that one is obliged1 upon any kind of pretext1 to withdraw from all companions1 and1 if it is only for five minutes1 be alone with ,god and1 where no eye but ,his can see1 unite completely with ,him once more1 and immediately the whole being becomes revivified4 ,there is nothing else in life so wonderful1 so rapturous as this swift reunion of the soul with ,god2 and the joy is not only the joy of the soul1 because the heart and mind have their fill of it too1 for they too have ached and thirsted and hungered and longed1 and now are satisfied4 ,if this measureless happiness could only be imagined by us before we experience it1 how many of us would be spurred to greater efforts instead of falling back amongst the dust and cobwebs of ,vanity6--but it cannot be imagined1 and the only way to come to it is by faith and obedience2 and it is easy to see why this arrangement is necessary1 for if we could imagine it thoroughly1 then we should probably try to get to ,god only on account of greed1 and should find ourselves drifting away instead of towards ,him2 it cannot be done by greed1 greed being one of those things which beguiled the soul away from ,him to begin with2 and ,he does not send the soul ,his favours till she is free of1 and has risen above1 the dangers of greed and seeks ,him for ,himself and not for ,his favours4 ,as soon as it is safe for her ,he will give the soul continual favours1 because ,perfect ,love is ever desirous to give1 and is only restrained on our account to withhold favours4 ,the soul which knows how to make all necessary preparations to receive ,him becomes a source of joy to ,god1 for now ,he can give and give and no harm be done to that soul2 but ,he does not acquaint the soul too suddenly with all the joy that she is to ,him1 because she would not 7at least certainly my soul would not7 be able to bear the knowledge of the privilege that she enjoys1 without some danger to herself1--and so1 all unaware of the singularity of the privilege that she enjoys without any analysis of her happiness1 she concerns herself with sweetly obeying ,him1 with singing to ,him1 and with giving ,him all that she has all the day long1 and so hovers before ,him as delightful simplicity and love4 ,this ,union with ,god varies so much in degree that it makes an effect of endless variety4 ,yet it is all one same joy1 it is the joy of angels reduced to such degree as makes it bearable to flesh3 the soul knows that it is the joy of angels that she is receiving the first time that she has it given to her3 immediately on receipt of this joy she comprehends the mode of heavenly living2 she knows it is but the outer edge that she touches1 but what means so much to her is that she has recaptured the knowledge of this mode of living3 henceforth it is a question of progress1 she bends all her attention to progress so that she may get nearer and nearer to ,god1 so that she may do everything to please this suddenly refound1 unspeakably beloved ,god4 ,she desires to get nearer and nearer to ,god in spite of the pain that she often experiences4 ,perhaps the first pains we experience are when we are in contemplation of ,god and are caught by ,god into ,high ,contemplation4 ,he will at times expose the soul to so much of the ,divine ,power that she cannot sever herself from the too great fulness of ,union with ,god1 though the body is crying to her to do it and the sufferings of the body are all felt by the soul1 which is pulled two ways3 all this is very painful and makes us almost in a fear of ,god again4 ,why should ,perfect ,love inflict this pain on us8 ,it may be to remind us that ,he is not only ,love1 but ,power1 ,might1 ,majesty1 and ,dominion also4 ,yet could this ever be forgotten8 ,it seems incredible4 ,but it does not do to trust to one's soul1 or to count on what she will do or not do3 we know that the soul has forgotten almost everything about ,god1 so much so that we are now thankful to arrive even so far as being quite certain that ,he exists6 ,what infinite kindness that ,he should consent and condescend to ,himself be her ,teacher6 ,but ,he does so condescend1 and the more the soul relearns of ,god1 the more she also learns that ,he is never weary of working for us all3 this keeps the soul in a state of intense gratitude4 99 99 99 ,when the soul arrives at ,union with ,god1 does she remain always in ,union8 ,yes1 but not at the degree of ,union which is ,contact4 ,what is the difference8 ,it can perhaps be most easily explained 7though extremely imperfectly7 by referring to the union of married life4 ,in this union1 though we live in one house1 we are not always both in that house at the same time2 but this does not dissolve our union1 and we both know our way to return there1 and the right to meet is always ours4 ,when we are both in the house1 although not in the same room1 there is a much nearer feeling about it1 and we are apt to give a momentary call one to the other1 just to have the pleasure of response3 yet1 though we are aware the other one is in the house and that there is no part of the house where we are forbidden to meet--it is not enough2 love requires more3 it will be necessary for one to go and seek the actual presence of the other 7the soul does this by a quiet prayer with perhaps a few words1 but more probably no words74 ,the one finds the other one2 but the other one is occupied1 so the one waits patiently 7this is passive contemplation71 and suddenly the occupied one is so constrained by love for the waiting one that he must turn to her1 open wide his arms1 and embrace her--they meet1 they touch1 they are content4 ,in spiritual life this is contact or ecstasy or rapture4 ,here comes in the immensity of the difference between joys physical and joys spiritual--physical joys being limited to five senses3 spiritual joys being above senses and open to limitless variations2 but in order that these may be known in their fulness1 we must eventually 7after leaving the flesh7 rise to immense heights of perfection3 the joys enjoyed by the ,archangel would destroy a lesser angel3 the degree of joy that invigorates the saint1 that sends him into rhapsodies of happiness1 would destroy the sinner--7becoming insupportable agony to the sinner74 ,this celestial joy is1 fundamentally1 a question of the enduring of some un-nameable energy4 ,how can energy be a means of this immeasurable ,divine joy8 ,after years of experience ,i find ,i cannot go back upon the knowledge that ,i acquired on the very first occasion of experience--that energy is a fundamental principle of the mystery4 ,but how1 it may very well be asked1 do sins interfere with the reception of this activity8 ,sins are all imperfections1 thickenings of the soul from self-will3 pure soul is necessary for the happy reception of this celestial activity1 and because impurities are automatically dissipated by this activity1 and the dissipation or dispersion of them is the most awful agony conceivable when too suddenly done1 what is bliss to the saint is the extremity of torture to the sinner4 ,now we come very fearfully and dreadfully to understand something more of the meanings1 the happenings1 of the ,judgment ,day4 ,christ will inflict no direct wilful punishment on any soul2 but when ,he presents ,himself before all souls and they behold ,his ,face1 immediately they will receive the terrible might of the activity of celestial joy4 ,the regenerated will endure and rejoice2 the unrepentant sinner will agonise1 and he must flee from before the ,face of ,christ1 because the agony that he feels is the dispersal of his imperfect soul2 and where shall the sinner flee1 where shall he go to find happiness8 for saint and sinner alike desire happiness1 and there is in ,spirit-life only one happiness--the ,bliss of ,god4 ,so then let us be careful to prepare ourselves to be able to receive and endure this happiness1 even if it can at first be only in a small degree1 so that we shall not be condemned by our own pain to leave the ,presence of ,god altogether and consequently lose ,celestial ,pleasures2 let us at least prepare ourselves to remain near enough to know something of this tremendous living4 ,it was this ,divine ,activity which on the night of the ,too ,great ,happiness so anguished my imperfect soul4 ,but that night1 and that anguish1 taught my soul what she could never have learnt by any other means1 and what it was ,i learnt ,i find myself unable to pass on to anyone2 but that night was for my soul the turning-point of her destiny1 that night altered my soul for evermore2 that night ,i knew ,god as deeply as ,he can be known whilst the soul is in flesh4 99 99 99 ,god uses also a peculiar drawing power4 ,all souls feeling desire towards ,god are to a greater or lesser degree conscious of this1 and1 as we know1 frequently remain conscious of it as a desire and nothing further to the end of life in flesh4 ,by means of it ,he draws a soul towards ,himself until1 because of it1 the whole being is willing to make efforts at self-improvement1 and this is the essential3 it is this cleaning up of the character1 this purification1 which alone can bring us to the point where we can receive ,god's communications of ,himself 7in other words1 ecstasies and periods of reunion with ,celestial-living74 ,ecstasies inspire and awaken the soul3 they convince the mind absolutely of the existence of another form of living and of ,god ,himself4 ,after ecstasy the efforts of the entire being are bent on trying to perfect itself1 and extraordinary ,graces may be freely and almost continually given to us in order to make improvement more rapid for us4 ,the feeling for ,god which before ecstasy was a deep 7and often very painful7 longing for ,god now increases to a burning1 never-ceasing desire for ,him3 only three thoughts can be said to truly occupy a person from this stage onwards--how to please ,god1 how to get nearer to ,him1 how to show practical gratitude4 ,he may increase the flow of ,his ,power to a soul till she is in great distress1 longing to leap out of the body owing to the immensity of ,god's attraction4 ,this attraction at times has a very real and sensible effect upon the body3 it feels to counteract gravity1 it makes the body feel so light it is about to leave the ground2 it affects walking1 and unaccountably changes it to staggering4 ,to receive this attraction can be an ecstatic condition1 but is by no means ecstasy4 ,so long as we have power to move the body by will we are not in true ecstasy4 ,in ecstasy the body feels to be disconnected in some unaccountable manner from the will2 it lies inert1 though it knows itself and knows that it stills lives--which fundamentally differentiates it from sleep1 because in sleep we do not know our body1 we do not know if we are alive or dead1 we know nothing4 ,in ecstasy is no such blankness3 merely the body is perforce inert1 it would be entirely forgotten but for its periods of distress4 ,neither can ecstasy be confused with dreaming1 by even the most simple person4 ,in dreaming1 objects and events of a familiar type still surround us2 the total inconsequence with which they present themselves alone makes dream-living unlike actual living1 for it remains fundamentally of the same type--physical and full of persons1 forms1 objects1 and word-thoughts4 ,we can procure sleep by willing it1 but we cannot will to procure ecstasy3 we find it totally independent of will4 ,the ,attraction of ,god can be a penetrating pain1 because the soul1 terribly drawn to ,god1 exceedingly near ,him1 yet remains unsatisfied even in this close proximity4 ,why8 ,because she is being subjected to one ,force only--she longs1 she remains near1 and receives nothing4 ,god is not bestowing ,his ,activity upon her1 which is the way that she knows ,him--she is not living the celestial life4 ,it is the combination of the two ,forces working together simultaneously on and in the soul which differentiates ecstasy and rapture from all other degrees of ,god-,consciousness4 ,when these two ,powers work together1 we experience celestial living1 full ,union1 the bliss of ,contact4 ,it cannot possibly be said that in ecstasy we see ,god3 it is a question of knowing ,him through the higher part of the soul1 in lesser or in deeper degrees4 ,x ,if the ,divine ,lover gives such joys to the soul1 how does the soul give joy to the ,divine ,lover8 ,is she beautiful8 ,she becomes so4 ,also the soul is a poet of the first water1 though she uses no words2 and the soul is a weaver of melodies1 though she makes no sound2 but above all1 and before all1 the soul is a great lover4 ,now we know in this earthly life that a lover desires above everything else the love of her whom he loves4 ,only when she whom he loves returns his love1 can he truly enjoy her4 ,so also the ,divine ,lover4 ,o incomparable ,love6 ,love gives all when it gives itself1 love receives all when it receives ,love4 ,by love1 then1 the soul is the ,delight of ,god4 ,,xi ,the soul feels to be formless2 though we become aware of a spreading which causes her to feel of the form of a cup or a disc when she receives ,god1 and in contemplation she feels to extend--flame-like until she meets ,god4 ,she can wait for ,god--spread1 but cannot maintain this form for long without ,god rejoices her by ,his touch4 ,how can so formless a thing1 still waiting for its ,spiritual ,body1 be beautiful8 ,she is beautiful because of the colours she is able to assume3 she can glow with such colour as no flower on earth can even faintly imitate4 ,celestial colours are beyond all imagination4 ,as the soul grows in purity and is able to endure an increase of the ,divine ,radiations and ,penetration1 so she changes her colours2 by her colours she delights the eye of her ,maker1 ,he touches her1 she becomes yet more beautiful4 99 99 99 ,very early in the morning ,god walks in ,his ,garden of ,souls1 and in the evening also1 and in the noonday1 and in the night4 ,the soul that knows ,him knows ,his approach1 and1 preparing and adorning herself for ,him--waits4 ,,xii ,does ,god come and go8 ,the soul feels ,him there1 and not there4 ,is she mistaken in this1 and ,god always to be possessed1 but she not dressed to receive ,him8 ,if this is so1 then how grievously frequent is our failure6 ,it is more encouraging to our own state to suppose that ,god lends ,himself and withdraws2 that ,he will be possessed2 and ,he will not be4 ,but this involves caprice4 ,can ,perfect ,love have caprice8 ,we find that grace can be received without intermission for weeks1 even months1 together4 ,without coming and departing 7although in lesser and greater intensity7 the ,presence of ,god1 ,love and ,comfort1 envelop the soul4 ,so then we learn by our own experience that ,god is willing to be present amongst us continually in ,his ,second and ,third ,persons4 ,yet1 although ,he is present in ,his ,two ,persons1 the soul is not filled3 she is unspeakably blest and happy1 but not wholly satisfied till ,he is present to her in ,his ,first ,person also4 ,she knows immediately when ,he so comes1 and then the ,three become ,one1 and when ,they become ,one to her1 in that moment the soul enters ,bliss4 ,it is true that if ,he so came to her very frequently1 the soul could not endure ,him2 but certainly she could endure ,him more frequently than she receives ,him4 ,it is not because she is worthy that she possesses ,him3 the soul never1 under any circumstances1 feels worthy3 it is love alone which enables her to possess ,him1 and this love that she knows how to shed to ,him is ,his own gift to her4 ,so the soul cries to ,him1 ,o mystery of love1 was ever such sweet graciousness as lives in thee3 such exquisite felicity of giving and receiving1 in which the giver and receiver in mysterious rapture of generosity are oned6 ,and this mystery of love is not in paucity of ways1 but in marvellous variety of ways and of degrees--the ways of friendship1 the brother and the sister1 the mother and the child1 the youth and the maiden1 and ,thyself and we4 ,love makes the soul ponder on ,his tastes1 ,his will1 ,his nature4 ,does ,he prefer even in heaven to possess ,himself to ,himself in ,his ,first ,person8 or are there parts of heaven where ,he is ever willing to be possessed in ,his fulness3 where ,he is eternally beheld in ,his ,three ,persons by such as can endure ,him8 ,the soul believes it1 and this is the goal she strives for both now and hereafter4 ,yet there is ,that of ,him which is for ever ,alone1 which will never be known or shared by the greatest of the ,angels4 ,the soul comprehends that ,he will have it so because of that ,solitary which sits within herself1 she who is made after ,his likeness4 ,,xiii ,for many years before coming to ,union with ,god1 ,i found that it had become impossible to say more than a little prayer of some five or six words1 and these were said very slowly3 at times ,i was astonished at my inability1 and ashamed that these pitiful shreds were all that ,i could offer1 and always the same thing too2 ,i tried to vary it--,i could not4 ,when ,i tried to say some fine sentence1 when ,i tried even to ask for something1 ,i could not2 it all disappeared in a feeling of such sweet love for ,god1 and ,i merely said again the same old words of every day4 ,i loved4 ,i could do nothing more than say so1 and then stay there on my knees for a little while1 very near ,him1 fascinated1 adoring4 ,but ,god is not vexed with a soul when she cannot say much4 ,is an earthly father vexed when his child1 standing there before him1 forgets the words upon its lips1 forgets to ask1 because it loves him so8 ,far from it4 ,this prayer is the commencement1 the foretaste1 of ,contemplation4 ,a distinguishing mark between this prayer and ,contemplation is that in even the lowest degree of ,contemplation ,god 7if one may so express the inexpressible7 is ,localised4 ,hitherto ,his ,presence has been near--but we cannot say how near1 or where1 and we cannot be sure of finding it4 ,after ,union we are certain of finding ,god's ,presence everywhere1 and at any time4 ,he may at times be far away1 or pay no attention to us2 but we know whereabouts ,he is1 and we can go and wait outside that place where ,he has hidden ,himself and which is no place 7but a figure of speech73 ,he merely disappears from our consciousness1 but not so entirely but that we can partly find ,him4 ,all this cannot be explained1 but after ,union ,god is as present to the soul in ,contemplation 7and far more so because of the great poignancy of it7 as is a fellow-creature whom we actually see and touch1 much more so because between ourself and a fellow-creature1 however dear1 is always a barrier3 try as we may there is always a dividing line between two persons4 ,we are two3 we remain two4 ,but when we meet ,god there is nothing between us and ,god1 nothing whatever divides us1 and yet we are not lost in ,god--that is to say1 we do not disappear as a living individual consciousness1 but our consciousness is increased to a prodigious degree1 and we are ,one with ,god4 ,,xiv ,this ,oneness1 in a tiny degree1 can be experienced by two persons who are in close spiritual sympathy when both are simultaneously and powerfully animated by very loving thoughts of ,christ1 or are working together1 and giving on account of ,christ3 then a fluid interchange of sympathies and interests takes place in which the barriers of individuality go down4 ,this same fluid interchange in a still lesser degree takes place in ordinary friendship between two friends of similar tastes2 but this interchange must always be with the mental and the higher part of us1 it can never take place because of the merely physical1 for in the physical1 dependent as it is upon senses1 barriers always exist3 we see this in the union of lovers--their union is merely a transitory self-gratification1 although it may include another self in that it is mutual2 but more frequently it is not even mutual1 and what is a pleasure to one is at the moment distasteful to the other1 though the one can easily conceal from the other that it is so1 proving how complete the duality of consciousness and of feeling remains between two individuals who depend upon contiguity of substance 7or the sense of touch7 for their union1 and not upon spiritual similarity3 in spiritual similarity alone is identity of feeling and personality and perfect union to be found1 and in this identity deceit is impossible4 ,,xv ,the more we investigate the question of satisfactions the more we find that these1 in order to be permanent1 must take place upon a very high level1 upon a plane above materialism4 ,however much we may with our sense of taste enjoy a dinner to-day1 it will be no joy whatever even a week hence4 ,the natural everyday facts should 7and are intended to7 prove to us the futility of giving so much time and thought to the pleasures of the flesh3 these pleasures lead nowhere1 they end abruptly1 they are very limited1 being confined to five senses1 and consequently1 owing to a necessity of continual repetition1 satiety supervenes1 and there remains nothing else to turn to4 ,yet when this happens we are really very fortunate1 because it may be a cause of our searching amongst our higher faculties for our gratifications4 ,,xvi ,the soul finds it bitterly hard to rid herself of selfishness and self-will3 she gets rid of one form1 only to find herself falling to another4 ,when first my soul reknew the ,joy of ,god ,i said to myself1 ,i will hide it in my own bosom1 ,i will keep it all to myself4 ,i am become independent of all creatures1 ,i want none of them1 ,i cannot bear the sight or the sound of them1 how joyfully ,i leave them all behind6--,i want only my ,god--,i want--,but what is all this8--,i want1 ,i will1 ,i1 ,i1 ,i1 ,i6 ,later the days come when ,god hides ,himself from me3 ,i can go and wait at ,his threshold 7because when she knows the way ,he never denies the soul the threshold1 though ,he denies her ,himself74 ,i may pour out all the sweetness of my love1 but he makes no response2 ,i may sing to ,him all day3 ,he will not hear2 ,i may give ,him all that ,i am or have1 and ,he will not communicate ,himself to me4 ,then ,i remember all the years of my striving1 ,i remember the stress1 the sweat of all that climb to ,his footstool--the sweat that at times was like drops of blood wrung out of the soul1 out of the heart1 out of the mind2 and yet all forgotten in the instant of the rapture of ,finding4 ,did ,he then beckon and draw and delight the soul only to madden with the anguish of more hiding and more striving3 was ,he to be found only that ,he might again be lost8 ,my soul sickened with fear1 and ,i said1 ,love is a calamity2 who can release me from the anguish of it8 ,o ,god1 since ,i may no more possess ,thee1 grant that ,i may shortly pass into the dust and for ever be no more1 so that ,i may escape this pain of knowing ,thy ,perfections and my own necessity for ,thee2 and ,i mourned for ,him till my health went4 ,weeks passed1 and three words came constantly to me3 ,visit my sick4 ,but ,i did not listen3 ,i was sick myself with a deadly wound4 ,almost every day the same three words came2 but ,i turned away resentfully from them1 saying to myself1 ,what have the sick to do with me8 ,i am weary of sick people3 ,i have been so much with them4 ,must ,i accept the sick in place of the ecstasy of ,god8 ,i mourn for the loss of ,god4 ,i can cheer no sick4 ,the words came again1 with excessive gentleness1 and the gentleness was like the gentleness of ,christ1 and it pierced4 ,so that day ,i go to the village and visit the sick again1 and ,i look at them tenderly and lovingly1 and tenderly and lovingly they look at me1 and some say1 ,it is as if ,god came into the house with you2 and tears come to my eyes1 and ,i say1 ,it may be so1 because ,he sent me1 and they gaze at me lovingly1 and lovingly ,i gaze at them2 and it seems to me that ,i can no longer tell where they cease and where ,i begin1 and the sweetness1 the peculiar sweetness1 of ,christ pierces me through from my head to my feet--that sweetness that ,i have not known for weeks4 ,and so ,i comprehend that ,holy ,love is not alone just ,thee and me1 but it is also ,thee and me and the others1 and ,thee and the others and me4 99 99 99 ,i wanted my own way4 ,the way ,i wanted was to be free in order to worship and bless ,god in a beautiful place1 in some place that ,i should choose4 ,i wanted to worship ,him1 and to sing ,him the ,song of the ,soul from some quiet hill among the olive trees by the ,mediterranean ,sea4 ,i wanted this marvellous1 this almost terrible1 joy of meeting ,god in a beautiful place that ,i should choose3 ,i wanted it so that it became spiritual greed--spiritual self-indulgence4 ,duty1 heavy-winged duty1 prevented my taking the journey2 duty to an always-contrary relation1 now unwell4 ,it was only a little thing--just a journey prevented1 but it crossed my self-will2 and in an impatient1 detestable way that ,i have1 ,i wanted to push all duty1 even all human relationships1 anywhere upon one side1 or over the edge of the world1 so they might all fall together out of my sight and ,i be free6 ,because ,i thought these thoughts1 ,i came to the ,place of ,tribulation4 ,and the ,messenger came1 and he said1 ,escape1 and the way is consenting4 ,but ,i said1 ,no1 ,i will not have that way1 ,i will escape by some other way4 ,so ,i tried every other way1 but found it guarded by something which seemed to be armed with a hammer2 but ,i persisted3 then for days and nights my soul stood up to the hammers and received terrible blows1 and still ,i persisted--,i would find a way to escape that should please my will4 ,but ,i could not eat1 ,i could not sleep1 the flesh visibly lessened on my bones1 and at last ,i loathed myself and my own will and my own soul1 and ,i cried to ,god1 ,shall ,i never be through with this terrible struggle with self-will8 and groaned aloud in my despair4 ,then the words that were sent long ago to a saint1 and that he was inspired to write down to help us all1 now came and did their work for me through him3 ,my grace is sufficient for thee4 ,and so ,i found it1 and more than sufficient--when ,i consented4 ,who is it1 what is it1 that so punishes the soul8 ,is it ,god8 ,no4 ,patiently1 lovingly ,he waits4 ,our pain is the difficulty of consenting to perfection3 every virtue has a hammer1 every perfection a long two-edged sword2 and the punishment we feel is the breaking and wounding of self-will under the hammers of the virtues and the sword-thrusts of the vision of perfection4 ,put aside these wretched1 these sometimes awful and terrible1 battles and punishments1 shrink from them when they come1 and we may put aside salvation4 ,accept them--stand up to the hammer and take the blows and learn3 consent to the sword that pierces up to the hilt1 and what do we come to8--,the ,blisses of ,god4 ,,part ,v ,i ,after coming to ,union with ,god1 our prayers become entirely changed1 not only in the manner of presenting them1 but changed also in what is presented4 ,petitioning is a hard thing4 ,i had found it easy to pray for others whether ,i loved them or not1 with the lips and with some of the heart2 but ,i found that ,i could not do it in the new way1 with all my heart1 mind1 soul1 and strength1 so that everything else fled away into nothing and was no more1 except that for which ,i petitioned ,god4 ,a perfect concentration for the welfare of a stranger or of some cause was a very hard thing2 yet ,i was made aware that ,i must learn to do it4 ,for two or three years ,i suffered pain and exhaustion over this petitioning2 ,i would be so fatigued by it1 found it so great a strain1 that ,i said to myself1 ,i shall lose my health over this petitioning1 for as ,i do it1 it is as though ,i gave my life-energy for the cause or person for whom ,i pray4 ,but my ,good ,angel whispered me not to give in1 but continue to be willing1 continue to be generous1 no matter the cost4 ,i am not generous1 but ,i went on with it1 and secretly had the greatest dread of it2 my whole nature shrank from the effort1 from the strange loss of vitality this petitioning brought4 ,then at last1 after more than two years1 because of remaining willing1 because of trying to remain generous about this1 to me1 most grievously hard prayer1 one happy day ,god lifted away all the strain and difficulty1 all the pain and fatigue1 and turned it into the sweetest of prayers3 into a new song1 a new honey1 new music1 a new delight1 in which the soul has1 as it were1 but to sip at the nectar of ,his ,love and ,beneficence1 to bring it to a fellow-soul4 ,i found that ,god causes the soul to pray this joyous1 this exquisite1 prayer for total strangers1 passers-by in the street1 fellow-travellers by road and rail1 here and there1 this one and that1 she knows which one it is3 how surprised these persons would be if they knew that a total stranger1 who never saw them before and never will see them again1 was joyously1 lovingly1 holding them up before ,god for ,his help and ,his blessing6 and they receive ,his blessing4 ,god does not prompt such prayers for nothing4 ,is this favoritism8 ,no2 they are secretly seeking ,him4 ,,ii ,when the soul is united to ,god a great change comes over the mind1 which now thinks continually1 lovingly1 of ,god4 ,god not merely hoped for1 looked for1 as in the past1 but ,god found and known1 ,god close and near2 interruptions come and go1 but the mind1 like a pendulum1 swings back to ,god1 nothing stops it2 the soul streams to ,him3 she discovers ,him everywhere3 she knows her way to ,him1 and she has not far to go4 ,her own door is also ,his door4 ,there are many degrees of intensity about this condition1 which can increase to such an extent as to entirely interfere with our everyday duties4 ,when it is increased to this degree it would appear 7certainly at times7 to be on purpose to teach the soul a self-abnegation which she could not otherwise learn1 because1 together with an intense1 almost terrible1 attraction and desire to be alone with ,god1 will come the pressure of a duty which it is obvious ,god would wish us to attend to3 this is a severe and a very continual lesson to the soul--the lesson of learning patiently to continue some sordid work in this world1 after finding the joys of the spiritual life4 ,what are amongst the most noticeable changes in the mind8 first1 we notice it has become very simple in its requirements1 and very restful2 it no longer darts here and there gathering in this and that of fancied treasures1 as a bird darts at flies2 it has dropped outside objects1 in order to hover around thoughts of ,god1 which at the same time are not particularised1 but1 as it were1 quietly1 contentedly1 float in a general and peaceful fragrance of beauty4 ,ordinarily the mind would find it difficult to hover in this way with such a singleness of intent1 but in certain other cases we see the same contentment--in the mother beside her babe3 though she may not talk to it1 or touch it1 she is happy2 she knows it near2 she is secretly giving to it4 ,we see it in the babe also3 it gazes at its mother and is quiet2 if the mother removes herself1 the child may cry2 no one has hurt it--merely1 it has ceased to be happy because the object of its desire has gone too far from it1 has disappeared4 ,we see it also in two lovers2 they sit near together1 and the more they love the fewer words they require to speak3 they are happy3 they require very few words1 very few thoughts4 ,separate them1 and they spend their time uneasily in sending messages1 in thinking numberless yearning thoughts which become painful1 and1 if continued for long1 can affect the health4 ,put them together again1 and they barely say two words3 their joy at meeting occupies the whole of their attention4 ,it is the same when we love ,god4 ,the heart1 and the mind1 and the soul are blissfully content1 they are in a love-state1 they bask in ,his ,presence2 but that we should be aware of ,his ,presence--this is ,his gift1 this is the vast difference between our former and our present state4 ,when we have become experienced in this ,presence of ,god1 the ,reason tries very earnestly to comprehend the manner of it4 ,christ says that when love is established between ,god and a man1 ,my ,father and ,i will come to him and make our abode with him4 ,how can such a tremendous thing as this be carried out without1 as it were1 burning the man up with the greatness of it8 ,does ,god1 then1 when experienced feel to be a ,fire8 ,yes1 and no1 for we feel that we shall be consumed1 and yet it is not burning but a blissful energy of the most inexpressible and unbearable intensity1 which has the feeling of disintegrating or dispersing flesh4 ,the experience is blissful to heart and mind only so long as it is given within certain limits3 beyond this it is bliss-agony1 beyond this it would soon be death to the body2 and the soul feels that in her imperfect state it can soon easily be the dispersion of herself also3 this is a very terrible feeling3 this does not bear remembering or thinking about4 ,how1 then1 can it be possible that ,god can take up ,his abode with us and we still live8 ,in all contacts with ,god we notice one fact pre-eminently--they do not take place with the mind1 but with that which was previously unknown to us1 and which communicates the joy and the realities of meeting ,god to the mind4 ,what is this8 ,it does not live in the heart3 it lives1 or feels to live1 in the upper cavity of the chest1 above the heart1 and below the throat-base4 ,it can endure ,god4 ,it is spirit1 it feels to be a higher part of the soul3 we might call it the ,intelligence and ,will of the soul1 because it acts for the soul as the mind acts for the body1 it is above the soul as the mind is above 7more important than7 and rules an arm or leg4 ,the more we experience ,god1 the more we are forced to comprehend that we have in us an especial organ in this spirit with which we can communicate with ,god and by which we can receive ,him without the mind or body being destroyed4 ,for when ,god takes up ,his abode with a man ,he will communicate ,himself to this loving ,spirit-,will or ,intelligence in ecstasies4 ,and through ,his ,son ,he will communicate ,himself in another manner1 to the heart and mind1 so graciously1 with such a tender care1 that without the stress of ecstasy we are kept in a delicate and most blessed ,awareness of ,god4 ,in these ways we can know1 even in flesh1 the beginnings of the true love-state1 the beginnings of the angelic state1 which is this same love-state brought to completion by ,beholding ,god4 ,,iii ,although this blessed condition of ,awareness of ,god is a gift1 and at first the mind and soul are maintained in it without effort on their part1 it being accomplished for them solely by the power of the ,grace of ,god1 yet later--and somewhat to their dismay after receiving such favours--they discover that it must be worked for in order to be maintained4 ,the heart must give1 the mind must give1 the soul must give3 when they neither work nor give they may find themselves receiving nothing3 ,god ceases to be present to them4 ,generosity on our part is required4 ,it works out in experience to be always the same thing that is needed for our perfect health and happiness--reciprocity4 ,without we maintain this reciprocity we shall experience extraordinary disappointment4 ,,iv ,the soul is now blind3 we know this by experience2 but do we know that she ever had sight8 ,if she did not1 but was created imperfect1 and was so created in order that only by work and merit she should arrive at completion and perfection and ,behold ,god 7instead of merely1 as now in this world1 being able only to apprehend ,him by the retrospect of ,his effect upon her71 then she was always below angels4 ,if through work and obedience she becomes so raised that she merits sight and the actual ,beholding of ,god1 then she becomes equal to angels because of this ,beholding2 and so ,christ tells us that she does as the ,child of the ,resurrection4 ,it is the inability of the soul to comprehend1 after experiencing the bliss of ,union with ,god1 how she came to embark upon this wandering and separation1 which so presses the ,reason for an explanation of the fall of the soul4 ,it may be that not all souls are fallen1 but that some are merely in process of progressing to sight4 ,these are ,righteous ,souls4 ,but there are more souls also created sightless1 who are fallen by curiosity1 by infidelity or plain self-will and forgetfulness--these it is who need the ,redeemer3 ,i come not to call the ,righteous1 but sinners to repentance4 ,from this it would seem that there are souls who1 though they are in this world1 are yet fundamentally righteous3 not fallen1 but working to receive sight4 ,it is inconceivable to the soul that1 had she ever ,beheld ,god1 she could have left ,him1 but not inconceivable to her that1 having never ,beheld ,him1 she may have been unfaithful on her road to ,sight4 ,she understands this awful possibility after coming to ,union with ,him from this earth1 because then she learns the immense difficulties of maintaining this sightless ,union4 ,she knows the terrible solitude and testing it entails1 and the innumerable temptations when low-spirited and lonely to turn to interests and consolations apart from ,god2 for ,god will frequently1 in the later stages of progress1 withhold every consolation and comfort from the soul1 leaving her solitary4 ,will she stay8 ,will she go8 ,v ,we hope for much from education2 but what education is it that will be of enduring value to us8 ,is it the education which teaches us the grammars of foreign languages1 scientific facts1 the dates when wars were won1 when kings ascended their thrones1 princes died1 artists painted their masterpieces1 that will bring us to our finest opportunities of success8 ,to the soul there is little greater or less chance of success offered by the degree of polish in the education we have the money to procure3 the peasant who cannot read or write may achieve the purpose of life before the savant3 we know it without caring to acknowledge it to ourselves3 the education that we really require is the education of daily conduct1 the education of character1 the education by which we say to ,self-will1 to ,pride1 and to ,lusts1 ,lie down6--and they do it6 99 99 99 ,when a soul knows herself1 has repented and become redeemed1 she knows all other souls1 good or bad3 there are no longer any secrets for her1 no one can hide himself from her3 she sees all these open and living books1 reads them1 and avoids judging and bitterness in spite of the selfishness1 stupidity1 and frailty revealed on every page3 she finds the same faults in herself2 selfishness1 stupidity1 and weakness are engraven upon herself2 the redeemed and enlightened soul with tears perpetually corrects these faults3 the unenlightened soul does not--this is the difference between them4 ,,vi ,for some time after coming to ,union with ,god we remain convinced that all now being so well with the soul all will be well with the body also1 and the health does improve and become more stable2 but the day comes when we learn that ,god is not concerned with saving flesh1 and that the body must share the usual fate--we shall continue to suffer through it4 ,but we also discover that there can be a marvellous amelioration to this suffering4 ,by raising the consciousness to its highest--that is to say1 by living with the highest part of the soul and waiting upon ,god--we can experience such very great ,grace that the poignancy1 the distress1 of pain disappears4 ,for instance1 the following is from my experience4 ,trouble has come1 trouble of several kinds3 the death of one very dear2 severe illness to another2 for my brother a serious operation2 for myself a slight one1 but a very painful one--in fine1 a variety of trials all coming together as they have a way of doing4 ,i feel terribly nervous and fearful of the pain of my own operation and my brother's also3 he is the brother who once saved my life1 he is the being who more than anyone on earth ,i have most loved since early childhood4 ,so ,i hang on to ,god4 ,i hang to ,him1 not by beseeching ,him to relieve or release me from any of these inevitable happenings1 but by the way ,i have so slowly been learning1 in which a creature1 by means and because of love1 passes out of itself and is able to hand over to ,god everything which it is or has or thinks or does1 and in exchange receives ,his ,peace4 ,so ,i hand over my brother and my dead and my anxieties for self into ,his hands1 and ,i go to my operation with the same serenity that ,i should go to meet a friend4 ,i notice that ,i am more calm1 less nervous1 than anyone else4 ,the anaesthetic fails before the operation is completed3 consciousness returns and becomes aware of atrocious pain and blood-soaked busy instruments4 ,yet by ,grace of ,god the mind and soul are able immediately to raise and maintain themselves in high consciousness of ,god1 and the operation can be finished without a cry or movement of the body3 no automatic shrinking takes place4 ,and this ,grace is continued for days afterwards1 so that in recalling the torturing incidents1 and though the pain of wounds continues severe enough to interfere with sleep1 yet my mind remains quite calm1 like a quiet lake over which1 without ruffling its waters1 hangs a mist--a tranquil shroud of pain that has no sting1 no fear1 no fret4 ,,vii ,after coming to ,union with ,god ,i never lacked anything1 and this during the most difficult times of the war1 and under every and all circumstances4 ,being careful to try and observe how this was worked1 ,i saw it was very naturally and simply done by everyone being given an impulse to help me1 always without any request to them on my part3 the porter1 besieged by twenty persons1 would be blind to all and1 coming straight to me1 would offer his service2 the taxi-driver1 hailed by a waiting mob1 had eyes and ears for no one but myself1 yet ,i had made him no sign except by looking at him4 ,the same with the coal merchant and his coal1 the same with all tradesmen1 the same with servants4 ,i never lacked anything for one hour3 but ,i continually asked ,christ to help me4 ,since coming to ,union with ,god1 ,i have had innumerable trials1 some of them tortures1 but have been brought safely out of every one4 ,i afterwards found that each trial was exactly what was needed for the alteration of some objectionable characteristic in myself4 ,no trial that came was unnecessary4 ,when its work was accomplished1 the trial disappeared4 99 99 99 ,can it be said that ,union with ,god in this world entails upon us increased sufferings here8 ,yes4 ,but these sufferings are not owing to abnormal occurrences3 nothing will happen which is not the common lot of humanity2 merely we are caused to feel that which we do experience1 very acutely2 and after ,union with ,god all earthly consolations must be abandoned3 until we abandon these we do not know how we have depended on them1 how they have protected us from depression1 loneliness1 boredom1 and discontent4 ,abandon all these earthly consolations and interests1 and at the same time be abandoned by ,god 7sensible ,grace is withdrawn71 and immediately our sufferings become very severe1 though our outward circumstances may appear1 and may actually remain1 of the very best4 ,if our house is a fine one1 we must live in it completely detached from its attractions3 the same with regard to our friends1 our amusements1 our wealth1 and all our possessions4 ,it is obvious that in learning to do this we shall often suffer4 ,the soul has painfully to learn that without ,god's ,grace there is no virtue1 no righteousness1 and no sanctity3 she learns by going forward upon ,grace--perhaps to some great height3 then ,grace is withdrawn1 the soul falls back1 and feels to fall lower than she ever was before1 and usually she falls over a trifle4 ,amazed1 unspeakably surprised and humiliated1 and ashamed1 the soul learns to know herself--to know herself with ,god1 to know herself without ,god4 ,when she is with ,god1 there seems no height to which she cannot rise3 this gives great courage3 more and more she abandons everything distasteful to ,god in order to unite herself more securely to ,him4 ,we have no sufferings that are not useful to us4 ,looking back on my life1 ,i see how many troubles ,i suffered3 how often my health suffered 7malaria and sun fevers1 and lightning and its consequences73 how ,i was and still am kept in a somewhat fragile state of health1 though quite free of all actual disease4 ,i see in this frailness1 especially during the earlier years of my life1 an immense protection3 given full and vigorous health1 combined with my selfish and passionate temperament1 and ,i know very well ,i should have fallen in any and all kinds of dangers at all times4 ,i was not to be trusted with robust health1 and even after all the mercies and blessings ,god has showered upon me ,i do not trust myself4 ,i still remain the sinner1 fundamentally and potentially at every step the sinner4 ,but ,love and ,grace surround the sinner4 ,love and ,grace save the sinner from himself3 ,love and ,grace can beautify and make the sinner shine4 ,my physical sufferings are not to be compared with the sufferings ,i see others endure1 and endure cheerfully3 this is a great shame and humiliation to me1 because ,i have not learnt to suffer cheerfully3 ,i am too easily undone by suffering and by the sight of suffering in any living thing2 but although one may be a coward--that is to say1 one may inwardly shrink from every kind of suffering1--one can be1 and it is necessary to be1 quite submissive2 and to refrain from the slightest rebellion or selfishness--this is what ,god takes note of4 ,what a difference there is between the selfish and the unselfish sufferer3 how the one makes everyone around him miserable1 wears them out body and soul2 and how the other calls out all that is best in others and strengthens all that is best in himself6 ,it is not so important whether we are secretly cowards or heroes2 what matters is how we deal with sufferings when they come1 what reaction we permit or encourage on their account in heart and mind and soul4 ,there is nothing but suffering that can cleanse us1 nothing but pain and misfortune which can so thoroughly convince us of our own nothingness1 and break self-pride3 joy will not do it2 joy can do nothing more than refresh us after our sufferings1 and in almost all lives we see how joy is made to alternate with sorrow3 it encourages1 it stimulates to further endeavours 7this is the reason that ,god1 at a certain stage of progress1 gives extraordinary blisses1 ecstasies1 and so on71 but it does not disperse our blemishes3 the dispersal of spiritual blemishes is1 as we know1 the main reason of life in the flesh2 it must be done1 and the sooner the better3 then we can finish1 once and for all1 with flesh existence4 ,righteous and very virtuous people may be able to dispense with ,divine joys and consolations3 it is doubtful if many sinners can--they require the confidence1 the certainty1 the enthusiasm which is naturally kindled by such experiences4 ,so then we find that the vicissitudes of life1 the endless daily trials1 do not go because we find ,god4 ,but ,his ,grace comes1 and when ,his ,grace is with us wet or shine is all one1 love and beauty gently sparkle everywhere2 and then the heart cries out to him1 ,every day is like a jewel1 every day ,i see the whole world decked and garlanded with all the beauty of ,thy mind3 each tree1 each flower1 each bee or bird tremulous with the life and wonder of ,thy creative ingenuity6 ,each day is a new jewel set upon the necklace of my thoughts of ,thee4 ,,viii ,one of the trials that we have to endure as beginners is a joyless1 flat1 ungracious condition2 a kind of paralysis of the soul1 a dreary torpor4 ,when we would approach ,god--pray to ,him--,he is nowhere to be found3 ,he has disappeared1 and everything to do with finding ,him is become hard work1 such hard work that it suddenly seems to us quite unprofitable3 we suddenly remember a number of outside things which we would far sooner do3 we try to pray1 but the prayer goes nowhere-in-particular2 it has no enthusiasm1 no force behind it3 has prayer then suddenly re-become a duty8 ,this is terrible2 what shall we do--shall we ask ,god to help us8 ,when we do1 we do it in so halfhearted a manner that our prayer feels to merely float around our own head like some miserable mist4 ,we feel certain that this joyless1 withered state will endure to the end of life on earth 7the conviction that our unhappy condition is permanent is characteristic of all severe trials1 because if we supposed the condition or difficulty only momentary it would not produce a sufficient trial1 and consequent effort to overcome it on our part74 ,this trial 7though it may not always be a trial1 but an actual blemish of the soul1 a serious lack of unselfish love which must at once be strenuously corrected7 is given for several reasons--we have become1 perhaps1 too greedy of enjoyment of prayer3 or we have come to take this joyousness of prayer for granted3 or we have come to think we are uncommonly clever at knowing how to love and to pray2 that we know so well how to do it that we can do it of our own power and capacity without ,god's assistance4 ,or the trial may be sent not for any of these reasons1 but solely in order to increase the strength and perseverance of our love to ,god1 and of our ,generosity4 ,this is one trial1 and another is that ,god allows us to become convinced that ,he has nothing more to give us1 ,he withdraws ,his graciousness from our apprehension2 ,he leaves us as a tiny1 unwanted1 meaningless speck1 alone in a vast universe4 ,it would be idle to say that the soul does not suffer from this change2 but these sufferings are just what she requires in order to develop courage1 humility1 endurance1 love1 and generosity4 ,these two trials--the one when love is all dried up on our part1 and the other when we think love must be all dried up on ,god's part--are the finest possible training and exercise for the soul1 but they are only such if the soul tries ardently to overcome them3 it is in the effort to overcome that virtue is learnt1 progress made4 ,there is one most splendid remedy4 ,is it asking of ,god8 ,no1 it is giving to ,god4 ,we give ,him thanks and we bless ,him1 and we tell ,him that we love ,him1 and we do it with all our heart1 mind1 soul1 and strength1 and this becomes possible even though a moment ago we were so far from ,him1 so tepid1 seemingly so estranged3 it becomes possible because we remember all the wonderful things that ,god has done for us and given us1 and made for us1 and suffered for us2 and in remembering these it is impossible but that love and gratitude1 like a torch of enthusiasm1 will presently flare up in us4 ,if ,god never gives us another thing1 we will adore ,him for ,his kindness in the past1 we will adore ,him for ,himself1 for what ,he is4 ,desolation and tepidity vanish4 ,joy returns1 the trial is over2 but it will come again perhaps a few hours hence1 or to-morrow1 or every day for weeks3 the remedy is ever to be reapplied1 and the remedy when thoroughly applied never fails in immediate efficacy2 but it has to be constantly repeated3 never let the heart and mind forget this4 ,,ix ,the heart1 mind1 soul1 and will work together and lead together the reasonable earthly existence2 but there is another part of the soul1 a higher part1 which has its own intelligence1 which leads no earthly existence1 has no direct recognition of material being2 thinks no earth-thoughts1 judges by no man-made standards1 sins no earth-sins4 ,has this part of the soul1 then1 never sinned8 ,it feels that it has sinned1 though it cannot say how or when1 but it feels that this sin was direct as between itself and ,god1 and is the cause of its separation from ,god2 and it feels this sin to have been an infidelity4 ,it is with this part of the soul that we sin the unforgivable sin against the ,holy ,ghost1 which cannot be sinned by mere natural man3 7here we touch the mystery of the two orders of sinning which1 to the initiated1 are seen both to be covered by the same commandments74 ,this higher part of the soul mourns and longs for ,god with a terrible longing1 and can be consoled1 satisfied1 by ,god only2 ,he communicates ,himself to this part of the soul4 ,sins of heart and mind do not injure it1 but retard it3 it cannot be corrupted by material living1 because it does not connect itself directly with earth-living1 it responds to ,god alone2 but earthly sins delay it1 paralyse its powers1 postpone indefinitely its return to ,god4 ,is it this part of the soul which we ordinarily speak of as the ,will8 ,it cannot be1 since it is with our ,will that we consent to earth-sins4 ,have we1 then1 two ,wills8 ,it is reasonable and it conforms with experience to say that we have two ,wills--a ,spirit-,will conducting ,spirit-living1 and a ,reasoning or ,mind ,will1 conducting the affairs of earth-living3 the lower part of the soul is the meeting-place and the intermediary between these two 7often opposing7 ,wills1 it is the ground upon which they work and have their fruitions4 ,the ,spirit-,will is the ,will by which we finally become united to ,god4 ,before regeneration we are unaware in any keen degree of its existence2 but it may exist for us in a vague and confused manner as an incomprehensible1 undefined yearning3 we cannot satisfy this yearning1 because we do not know what it requires for its satisfaction4 ,it is above conscience3 conscience has its seat in the lower soul1 there it deals with the affairs of earthly life4 ,this ,spirit-,will is so far above conscience 7which can be used1 cultivated1 improved1 or destroyed1 according to our own desire7 that it is not given into the keeping or cognisance of the natural man1 but remains unknown1 inoperative until reawakened and impregnated with renewed vigour by direct ,act of ,god in the regenerated man4 ,this awakening1 this reinvigoration1 would seem to be synonymous with the ,baptism of the ,holy ,ghost4 ,if it is awakened only by ,act of ,god1 in what way can we be held responsible about it8 ,our responsibility1 our part1 our opportunity is to so order the lower or earth-will that ,god shall see us to be prepared for the awakening of the ,spirit-,will4 ,this ,spirit-,will1 once awakened1 is never again shut out from direct communication with ,god4 ,even when ,grace is withdrawn1 this ,will-,spirit can come before ,god and1 no barrier between1 know ,him there2 although ,he may deny it all consolation and leave it languishing1 it yet retains the consolation of its one supreme necessity--that of knowing it has not lost ,him4 ,it waits4 ,x ,like knows like3 it does not know its opposite1 but is drawn towards its opposite before and without knowing it3 here we have the cause of the condescension of the ,good towards the imperfect1 and of the aspiration of the imperfect to the perfect long before it can know the perfect4 ,without this attraction of like to opposite the imperfect could not become the perfect 7we desire1 are drawn to ,god1 long before we are able to know ,him74 ,the imperfect is able to become the perfect by continually aspiring to it3 it gradually becomes like4 ,there are no barriers in spirit-living1 therefore there is nothing to prevent the soul becoming perfect1 save its own will-failure4 ,the barrier existing between material- or physical-living and spirit-living can only be overcome in and by a man's own soul3 in the soul these two forms of living can meet and become known by the one individual1 who can live alternately in the two modes1 but it is necessary that the will and preference shall be continually given and bent towards spiritual-living1 physical-living being accepted patiently and as a cross4 ,then flesh ceases to be a barrier to spiritual-living4 ,this is the work of ,christ and of the ,holy ,ghost4 ,because the soul has recaptured the knowledge of this rapturous living we are not to suppose that it is possible to continually enjoy it here or introduce its glories into social and worldly living3 it is between the soul and ,god only2 but earth-life can and should by this knowledge be entirely readjusted4 ,,xi ,are we correct in saying or supposing that this world with all that we see in it 7because perishable7 is not real1 and that the ,invisible is the only ,real8 ,we are using the wrong word3 all that we see here is real after its own manner3 it is intentional1 it is designed1 it is magnificent1 it is the evidence in fixed form of the ,supreme ,intelligence2 how can we venture to call it unreal1 nothing1 negligible8 ,it is a question not of ,reality or ,unreality1 but of greater and of lesser ,activity4 ,in this world we see the ,divine ,energy slowed down to its least degree3 we see it so much slowed down that the ,divine ,ideas can become crystallised into a form and for their decreed period remain fixed4 ,it is exactly this which the soul requires in order to recover her lost bearings4 ,she needs the ,beautiful1 the ,good1 and the ,bad made sensible to her in fixed objects1 and ,time in which to consider them and make her choice between them4 ,when ,spirit-living is experienced1 we become aware that in spirit-life ,activity is of such an order as to preclude the mode of it being in fixed forms and objects3 so there is no fixed visible ,beauty1 no fixed visible ,good or ,bad1 no fixed results1 and the soul sees and knows only that which she herself is like to4 ,if she is bad1 she cannot become better by the privilege of looking at that which is good4 ,if she thinks or desires wrong1 she remains wrong3 she must think ,right in order to produce or know ,right4 ,she loses ,god because she can no longer think godly1 and nothing is fixed by which she can trace ,him3 it is like to like1 and this instantaneously without pause 7or time74 ,here in this world ,like may behold its ,opposite3 ,bad may behold ,good and1 because of being able to behold it1 may go over and join its will to ,good3 it is able to do this1 because the evidence of ,good remains fixed whether the beholder or thinker is good or bad4 ,what is our quest in this world8 ,it is to refind the lost knowledge of ,celestial-living4 ,our ,goal is ,god ,himself4 ,our salvation does not depend upon our finding ,celestial-living1 but our finding this living depends upon whether we have found the way of ,salvation4 ,this ,celestial-living is here1 at our door1 but we cannot retouch it without ,act of ,god4 ,what is essential to obtaining this ,act of ,god8 ,is it necessary to belong to this or that ,denomination1 to perform this or that ceremony1 to stand up1 kneel down1 or prostrate ourselves a hundred and one times1 visit shrines1 handle relics1 endlessly repeat fixed words and sentences8 ,no1 these will not do it4 ,christianity in its full meaning1 a repentant and clean heart and mind--these will do it4 ,it is a direct affair between the soul and ,god4 ,it is ,thee and me4 ,this is immense condescension on the part of ,god4 ,love alone makes such a condescension possible4 ,as in free spirit we think a thought and become it1 have a desire flash to it and are it1 it is easy to see how in thinking thoughts that are not godly1 desiring that which is ungodly and imperfect1 we pass far from ,god by becoming imperfection2 and1 having become1 find no satisfaction1 satisfaction resting with ,god only4 ,having ceased to think godly1 the soul loses ,god1 becomes insensitive1 and falls into darkness1 thinks of her own wretchedness and1 thinking of it1 is held fast to it4 ,being miserable1 she thinks to ,self2 thinking of ,self1 she is bound to the solitude of ,self--blank solitude without fixed objects to amuse1 without fixed ,beauty to lead higher1 to restore1 to calm4 ,is all this tantamount to saying that when separated from ,god ,spirit-life is less desirable than earth-life8 ,it is3 for then we are dead to celestial-living1 and in ,spirit-life all other living is miserable living4 ,hence we see the dire necessity of the soul for a ,saviour3 the necessity of fixed forms1 of time1 of flesh 7which is a fixed stay-point for the soul71 of the ,incarnation of the ,saviour in flesh in order that ,he may guide the soul amongst these fixed forms1 ,himself showing her which to choose and which to cast aside3 we see the necessity of time in order that1 though we have an ungodly thought1 we have time to repent and choose a better before1 in a horrible rapidity1 we are inevitably become that which we had thought4 ,in this world1 this stay-point for the soul1 the most lost is enabled to enjoy and perceive ,beauty and ,goodness4 ,how much more easy1 then1 to return to godly thoughts1 to the ,good1 to ,god ,himself6 ,but though her ,saviour is in this world so near to the soul1 she does not always seek ,him4 ,he belongs to the ,invisible4 ,intoxicated at finding herself amused amongst fixed objects which she enjoys lazily through fixed mediums of the five senses1 she devotes herself to these objects1 surrounds herself with them1 forgets everything else4 ,it is harder for the rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven4 ,but she must abandon object-worship3 this is not to say she is to deny the existence of objects1 calling them unreal2 she must despise no created object1 for each is there to form for her an object-lesson4 ,she has two choices3 she can see the objects1 remain satisfied with them1 and seek no further4 ,or1 she can see the objects1 admire them1 but seek beyond them for their ,instigator and ,creator4 ,now she is on the track of ,god4 ,all is well4 ,but all this is not that ,adam may recover his perfection1 for when1 and for how long1 was ,adam ,perfect8 ,we behold him sinning at the very first opportunity4 ,in the ,fall of ,adam we see merely the continuation in the stay-point of time and of flesh1 of the history of the fallen soul--sinning the same old sin1 ,self-will4 ,the way of return to ,god is the same way by which we came out from ,him--reversed4 ,we came away by means of greeds and curiosities imagined by ,self-will4 ,the return is by casting away these greeds1 casting away all prides1 all selfishness2 and what self-loving soul is there that could or would1 left alone to herself1 conceive of following such a way of cruel necessities1 of such hard endurance without an ,example before her8 ,for the way is a hard way1 a toiling way1 at times an awful way1 and as we pursue it the burden grows heavier1 the pain sharper3 then it grows lighter as the soul becomes renewed2 and the pain is no longer the pain of loneliness1 of sin and sorrow1 but becomes the pain of ,love1 waiting in certainty for an ultimate ,reunion3 it becomes pain which is being forgotten in the returning happiness of ,god4 ,but first must come the abandonment of ,self-will1 bit by bit1 to the death4 ,so we see upon the ,cross ,christ stripped of everything1 and at the last stripped even of ,union with the ,father3 consenting to bear the pains of even ,spiritual ,death3 ,my ,god1 my ,god1 why hast ,thou forsaken ,me8 ,if there could be any greater depth of pain1 ,he would have shared that also with the wandering soul4 ,so we are indeed one with ,him in everything3 and ,he with us4 ,in ,spirit-life we meet the ,ideas of ,god uncrystallised into any form4 ,they penetrate the soul--she flashes to them1 she becomes them1 she reaches unimaginable heights of bliss by becoming4 ,this form of joy is incomprehensible until experienced3 it is stupendous living1 if it may be so expressed it is happiness at lightning velocity2 but it is a lightning happiness which must flash to ,god4 ,when it ceases to do this in a full manner1 it ceases to be full happiness4 ,when it becomes further perverted1 diverted1 and1 finally1 inverted1 it ceases to be any happiness whatever4 ,it is independent of surroundings3 what it depends on is a perfect reciprocity with its own ,source4 ,that the laws which govern this ,divine living will not be altered to suit wandering souls is not to be wondered at2 but a new system may be called into being1 and we may be able to perceive it in this world1 evolved from first to last with its substance1 forms1 creatures1 flesh1 and time1 in order to assist such wanderers4 ,god spends ,himself for every wandering soul4 ,,xii ,directly this world ceases to afford us pleasure1 we wonder why we were born4 ,the soul longs for happiness2 feels certain she was created for it4 ,so she is4 ,looking at the masses of drab1 ugly1 and unsuccessful lives around us1 we may well ask what purpose and what progress is there in the lives of all these hopeless-looking people4 ,but there is not one life that does not have brought before it1 and into it1 the opportunity of1 and the invitation to1 self-sacrifice1 and in a greater or lesser degree this is accepted and responded to by all4 ,there is far more soul-progress made by these grey-looking lives than would appear on the surface3 they accept self-sacrifice--they accept ,duty--all is well4 ,very much progress may not be made during the one earth-period of life1 but some is made3 we drifted away slowly from ,god2 our return is slow4 ,,xiii ,love is not the mere pleasant sentiment of the heart we are apt to consider it3 it is the animating principle of the soul1 it is the reason and cause of her existence3 it is a ,god-,force4 ,when a soul does not love ,god she has ceased to respond to this ,force2 she is no longer a sensitive or living soul3 when she becomes insensitive1 she has become what flesh is when it is callous4 ,this insensitiveness is the one great predominating disease of the soul3 it is the cause of the darkness in which the soul finds herself in this world3 it is this which causes our unawareness of ,god and of ,celestial-living4 ,how can we commence to remedy this disastrous state8 ,we can act nobly1 we can be generous1 doing what we do as though it were for love1 although it is merely ,duty which animates us4 ,this will be more or less joyless1 because love alone can make acts joyful2 but though it may be joyless it will advance the soul immensely3 it will advance her to the highest degrees required by ,god in order that ,he shall ,retouch her4 ,when ,he ,retouches her she becomes reanimated1 she once again commences to live for and because of love3 she becomes sensitive to ,god4 ,this ,retouching may occur only after the soul is free of the body--but the body is the house in which our examination must be passed1 in which we must prepare and qualify for this ,retouching4 ,hence the importance of continuing to make every effort in this life4 ,the soul which takes ,christ into herself1 loves ,him1 obeys ,him1 tries to copy ,him1 qualifies fully for this ,retouching4 ,,xiv ,in early youth life may be1 and often is1 a joyous adventure3 little by little we grow aghast at the amount of suffering which life really stands for--our own sufferings and those of others1 of which1 owing to our own pains1 we gradually take more and more note4 ,why all this suffering8 ,it appals1 it frightens1 it makes upon many hearts and minds a sinister impression3 how is this suffering of innocents to be reconciled with the ,benign ,will of a ,god ,who is ,perfect ,love8 ,let us cease thinking that indiscriminate suffering to creatures is the ,will of ,god4 ,what is it1 then8 ,it is the inevitable--the long drawn-out sequence to the soul's departure from ,god--the ,source of ,happiness4 ,to inhabit flesh is no paradise1 but it is a means of regaining heaven4 ,there is no misfortune1 suffering1 sorrow1 disappointment1 or pain1 which is not consequent upon this departure of the soul from ,god4 ,are there here any truly innocent persons8 ,to be here at all points to a fault of the soul1 to infidelity to ,god--the ,original sin in which we are born4 ,the beginning of ,salvation is to think4 ,nothing causes us to think so much as sorrow1 suffering1 and pain2 and they melt the heart also1 and they humble pride4 ,the man who has never suffered1 and never loved1 is more to be pitied than the paralytic3 his chance of ,life is remote4 ,how can we reasonably expect that the road back to our long-since forsaken ,god is to be smooth1 pleasant1 velvet-covered4 ,what divides us from ,god8 ,is it happiness1 beauty1 and light8 ,no--self-indulgence1 rocks of evil1 ugly greeds1 places of sin and selfishness4 ,can we climb back through all this1 most of it in darkness1 without tears1 without pain1 without every kind of anguish8 ,over this part of the road is no peace2 but continue1 and1 little by little1 peace comes4 99 99 99 ,we say that we must find ,christ2 but where1 and how1 shall we find this ,mighty ,lord1 ,who comes out from the ,father to meet the ,prodigal8 ,must we study in ecclesiastical colleges1 travel to distant lands1 visit holy places1 kneel on celebrated sacred ground1 kiss stones1 attend ceremonies1 look at bones8 ,no6 ,stand still6 ,just where we are is the place where we can meet ,him4 ,just where we stand to-day can be as sacred1 as blessed1 as the ,holy ,land4 ,some little wood sprinkled with flowers1 our own quiet room1 an unknown1 nameless hillside--these can be as holy as ,mount ,carmel1 because ,he meets us there4 99 99 99 ,in all these experiences of the soul which has refound ,god1 what is it that truly rejoices her8 ,is it the learning and knowledge that the pursuit of ,truth may bring her to8 ,she values ,truth and knowledge because they lift her towards ,him ,whom she seeks and loves4 ,does the soul rejoice in ecstasies because they are ecstasies8 ,no3 what she values is the recaptured knowledge and certainty of heavenly living--in however small or brief a degree she is able to attain it in flesh3 and because in the experience of ecstasy she knows ,him to ,whom she belongs4 ,all other affairs become nothing whatever4 ,life on earth is now entirely a means of relearning how to please ,him ,whom she has found4 ,her concern is that she may quickly so prepare herself that she may behold ,him for ever4 ,it may well be asked of a soul which claims to have found ,god1 ,how does she know that she has encountered ,him8 ,we have a ,critical ,faculty4 ,it is above ,reason1 because it sifts and judges the findings of ,reason1 throwing out or retaining what ,reason has deduced4 ,this is a ,higher-,soul faculty3 it concerns itself solely with knowing ,perfection4 ,reason is not occupied with knowing ,perfection1 but in analysing and digesting all alike that is brought to it4 ,it is to the ,critical ,faculty that art1 poetry1 and music appeal1 and make their thought-suggestions4 ,we do not enjoy music because of the noise1 but because of the thoughts suggested by it--we float upon these emotion-thoughts 7we may float low1 we may float high1 and do not know to where2 but it is somewhere where we cannot get without the music71 so we say we love the music2 but it is the emotion-thoughts we love4 ,the sound and the thoughts suggested by it appeal to the ,critical ,faculty of the ,soul1 and1 if it is perfect enough to be accepted by this faculty1 we may pass1 for the time being1 into soul-living1 but only very delicately1 tentatively1 and nothing to be compared to the soul-living1 produced by the ,touch of ,god4 ,when ,god communicates ,himself to the soul1 she lives in a manner never previously conceived of1 reaching an experience of living in which every perfection is present to her as ,being there in such unlimited abundance that the soul is overwhelmed by it and must fall back to less1 because of insupportable excess of ,perfections4 ,this perfection of living is given1 and is withdrawn1 outside of her own will4 ,which is the more sane and reasonable--for the soul to think1 ,i have invented and originated a new and perfectly satisfying form of living2 or for the soul to conclude that she has been admitted to the re-encounter of perfect- or ,celestial-living8 ,in this living are happenings which cannot be communicated1 or even indicated to others1 because they reach beyond words1 beyond all or any other experience1 beyond any possible previous imagination or expression of mind1 beyond all particularisation2 it is these occasions of experience which the ,critical ,faculty regards as being encounters with the ,supreme ,spirit1 because they are complete2 nothing is wanting2 they afford life at its perfection point--a stupendous ,felicity1 and that ,repose in bliss for which all souls secretly long4 ,it is the meeting of the ,wisher with the ,wished1 of ,desire with the ,desired3 and yet1 being that which it is--unthinkable ,fulfilment--it is above all1 or any1 ,wishes1 and beyond ,desire2 it can be known1 but not named4 ,by these experiences the knowledge of the soul becomes enlightened two ways3 she knows what bliss is2 she knows the full calamity of life away from ,god--in flesh1 in this world3 not that flesh is not a wonderful ,idea1 not that the world is not greatly to be admired for its beauties1 but the reawakened spirit desires spirit-living1 cannot be pleased with earth-living1 cannot be satisfied with less than ,god ,himself4 ,so1 then1 the logical consequence is that this world becomes a place we desire to take leave of as soon as may be4 ,life here becomes a punishment3 not that ,perfect ,love desires to punish1 but that the soul now knows that any form of life in which she is restricted from continual access to ,him is a disaster1 a profound grief4 ,,xv ,if the soul looks to ,god to comfort her1 asks for ,his help1 and gets it--and since communication with ,god is dependent upon some degree of like to like1--it follows that the soul must maintain a readiness to give to fellow-souls3 to fail in this is to fail in any sort of resemblance to ,god4 ,hence we see how carefully ,christ enjoined upon us to ,give to them that ask3 and in no niggardly way either1 but wholeheartedly1 for ,god loveth the cheerful giver4 ,if we say that we apprehend ,god by that which is not ,mind1 what reason have we for saying that it is not ,reason which receives ,him8 ,because for this living which ,god's touch causes us to share with ,himself we find that ,space1 ,infinity1 and ,eternity are required and ,reason stands1 and remains1 uncomprehending and dumbfounded before all three4 ,it is ,spirit1 the flash-point of the soul1 which receives and transmits and which lives this living4 ,as we have an heredity of flesh so we have also an heredity of ,spirit which of its own nature comprehends the ways of ,god and the mode of ,god's living4 ,in ,high ,contemplation we find that if ,reason attempts activity1 nothing is consummated3 she must submerge herself and wait3 soon ,reason discovers the wherefore of this--her activity is not the activity of ,that ,other4 ,only by that which is like in activity can ,that ,other be received3 this like is not herself3 finally she comes to know this like as a higher part of the soul--,spirit4 ,when ,spirit has received and given it to the soul1 then it is afterwards the part of ,reason to attack from every side that which has been received1 to digest it1 absorb it1 and share it1 in fact though not in act4 ,according to the health and strength of ,reason so we shall successfully deal with and use that with which the ,spirit presents us4 ,by comparison with the magnificent ,spirit-,activity or ,spirit-,intelligence the ,reason is limited and frail as a new-born babe3 this is no humiliation to ,reason1 since she should not be expected to accomplish that which is not her part4 ,why do not all men apprehend ,god8 ,it is very questionable if all men desire to do so1 because in the recesses of each man's soul lies the consciousness that there will be some great price to pay4 ,but beyond this there arises the question1 ,is it desirable1 price or no price1 that all souls should come while still in flesh to immediate knowledge of1 and contact with1 ,god2 and after long and close thinking the experienced soul will answer ,no1 and ,yes4 ,no1 in so far as the apprehension of the ,godhead is concerned2 ,yes1 and most vitally ,yes1 for ,christians1 in so far as ,communion and ,contact with ,christ is concerned4 ,why this distinction8 ,because the apprehension of the ,godhead is beyond the requirements of salvation and redemption1 and the world and flesh were created for those purposes4 ,though there is no limit to the heights to which the soul may aspire1 and all souls are invited eventually to behold the ,face of ,god1 if so be they shall be able to prepare themselves to endure ,him1 there are to a soul still in flesh the most terrible dangers in knowing the ,fullness of ,god even so far as ,his ,fullness may be ,known to ,flesh3 never perhaps in all her history is the soul in such danger as she is after coming 7in flesh7 to the apprehension of the ,godhead3 and this danger may extend in an acute degree over a period of many years and can never be said to cease altogether4 ,the ,soul ,knows and feels1 when in its acute stage1 this horrible danger without comprehending its exact cause and nature1 but it has about it the feeling that a man might have standing balanced on a narrow pinnacle4 ,unapproachable1 untouchable only so long as he remains upon the summit1 the eyes of a thousand enemies watch for his smallest descent3 they watch day and night4 ,what alone can enable the ,soul to maintain such a position8 ,hourly1 often momently1 ,communion with ,jesus ,christ4 ,what makes such perseverance likely or even possible on the soul's part8 ,only love can make it so4 ,if we say ,communion with ,christ is for the ,christian vital to a full redemption1 and therefore the ,apprehension of ,him is essential1 to what degree should we experience this ,apprehension of ,him8 ,the degree at which1 perceiving in ,him and ,his ways our ,ideal1 we become willing to modify and change our manner of thinking and doing in order to meet the requirements of this ,ideal4 ,having gone so far1 the soul is likely to become enamoured of ,him ,personally3 then all is indeed well for her4 ,so then we find that we can apprehend ,god by an ever-ascending scale of degrees4 ,we can apprehend ,him with the ,reason and the heart at all hours of the day4 ,we can seek and approach ,him with the holy white passion of the ,mind4 ,yet this is not the ,apprehension of ,him which alone can be termed ,contact1 and which alone satisfies the soul or gives us the full feeling that we ,know ,god4 ,we cannot ,know ,god as fully as ,he can be known by flesh without we enter ecstasy2 but it is not ecstasy which produces the meeting with ,god1 but the meeting with ,god which produces the ecstasy4 ,though we are able to enjoy a continual apprehension of ,him with heart and ,reason1 no man could endure an unremitting ecstasy4 ,can ecstasy be prepared for8 ,yes1 if we have courage to aspire to it1 it can be prepared for by a contemplation of ,him in which1 to commence with1 the ,will1 ,mind1 and heart1 in great activity of love1 send forth all their powers towards ,god3 then for love's sake being glad and willing to become nothing1 and becoming1 as it were1 dead to themselves and all interests and desires usual to them1 by ,act of ,god their normal living is then taken over into a greater living4 ,then ,he comes4 ,and when ,he comes the ,reason does not receive ,him1 but that certain small part1 little more than a point in the soul receives ,him4 ,apart from the joy of it1 what is the true value of ecstasy to him to whom it is granted8 ,it raises him above ,faith into ,certitude4 ,the peace and strength given by ,certitude are such that ,joy is neither here nor there1 the soul can wait for it1 because1 no matter what may afterwards happen to such a one1 he remembers1 and remains once and for all aware1 that ,god ,is1 and that ,he can be ,known3 he learns also a new knowledge1 but cares nothing for this because it is knowledge or because it is power1 but because it brings him nearer to his ,god4 ,having once learnt the knowledge that comes by ecstasy alone1 truth to tell1 the soul would be content to receive no further ecstasy in flesh2 but1 intoxicated with love and worship1 she best enjoys herself doing all the giving1 for when ,he comes and gives ,he bursts down all her doors and1 under the awful stress of ,him1 the soul hardly knows how to endure either ,himself or herself4 ,life in this world is a life for spiritual weaklings4 ,our eternal ,self is an ,intelligence1 a ,desire1 and a ,will1 and the life we live with it is no idle1 torpid1 confined living such as we have here1 but is a living in ,liberty1 without limit1 restriction1 fatigue1 or satiety2 in it word thoughts and thinking are superseded2 by comparison to it even the highest thought-achievements of men1 their noblest aspirations1 appear like the sand-castles of children4 ,ravished at such further revelations of the ,genius of ,god1 the soul at last knows satisfaction4 ,it requires perfection in order to be permanently operative1 because only in perfection is ,freedom found1 and because for the living of it nothing can remain but such ,essentials of the soul as cannot be dispersed4 ,it is a measureless ,generosity and an ecstasy of ,receiving and ,giving4 ,to say that purity and perfection are required for this living is no mere arbitrary dictum1 but a scientific fact3 the impure1 imperfect soul finds herself unable in perfect liberty and freedom to expand to interaction with the ,divine ,activity4 ,when the process of ,return is sufficiently completed and1 being still in flesh1 we enter for a brief time this living1 ,reason1 ,pain and ,evil1 ,yesterday and ,to-morrow disappear4 ,reason is gathered up into1 and superseded by1 the spiritual and wordless ,intelligence3 ,pain and ,evil1 their part and work accomplished1 are dispersed and banished into the mists of darkness4 ,so the soul may learn even from this world something of the mystery of the ,depths of ,god4 ,she may enter into the happiness of ,union with the ,three in ,one3 the ,one ,whom in a state of glory yet to come she may ,behold4 ,but beyond ,this of ,him which ,he will allow her to ,behold1 beyond ,this of ,him in which she may repose in bliss1 and beyond this ,repose which ,he wills her to know of ,him1 ,he shows her that yet more of ,him ,is which ,he will share--heights of ,felicity beyond all measure1 holding the soul till she must pray ,him to release her1 or she will perish--reeling depths of rapture in a mystery of light2 bliss beyond bliss for that lover who shall venture--all ,eternity unfolding in fulfilment4 ,and yet remains ,that of ,him which wills no reciprocity1 but shares ,himself with ,himself4 ,so peace ,is4 ,and so1 even in not giving1 ,he yet does give that which is most precious1 for without ,he ,himself in ,his forever hidden depths were ,peace1 ,his creatures could neither know nor have peace4 ,looking into herself1 what does the soul perceive8 ,apart from sins and virtues she perceives two things--caprice and free-will4 ,neither are of her own creation1 but are essentials of her being4 ,it may be that in caprice and free-will she may find an answer to those two questions which stir her to her depths3 ,what is she that ,god should so love her8 and how comes she to be away from ,him8 ,clothed in the body of either man or woman1 the soul is predominantly feminine--the ,feminine ,principle beloved of1 and returning to1 the ,eternal ,masculine of ,god4 ,caprice is feminine2 ,caprice and ,mystery are two enchanting sisters1 and in ,woman we see them as being irresistible to ,man4 ,angels1 though they are a glory of ,god's heaven1 cannot alone satisfy all the needs of their ,creator3 they have neither sex nor caprice1 nor the mystery which joins hands with it4 ,so ,he creates the soul1 and ,he gives her an heredity of ,himself in the flash-point of the soul1 and ,he gives her sex and caprice and free-will to deny herself to ,him if she choose2 and in her caprice she goes out and away from ,him1 and when she would return she cannot1 because in infidelity she has dropped from perfection4 ,disillusioned by her unfaithful wanderings and horribly pained1 the soul longs for ,him1 and ,he longs for her4 ,he ,himself must make her the way of return1 which is the way of redemption1 and at a terrible cost to ,himself ,he shows her ,his ,righteousness and the mode of her ,return in the ,face and the ,ways of ,jesus ,christ2 and in the ,crucifixion ,he shows her the measure of ,his love1 and in the ,cross the necessary abandonment of all self-will--total surrender4 ,and all this suffering to ,himself ,he bears in order to make good the wilful sinning and the misery of the wayward soul4 ,so ,he brings home the soul1 not by force but by love--that love by which ,he is at once the ,life of everything and everything is the life of ,him4 ,absence from ,god is ,pain1 and everlastingly will be ,pain in varying degrees4 ,are there souls who have never left ,him8 ,undoubtedly1 but they know nothing of this world4 ,are we perhaps distressed at this multiplicity of worlds and souls8 ,we need not be1 for they are a necessity both of ,god and of ourselves2 for ,god to ,be ,himself ,he must give ,himself1 and who can receive ,him8 ,not even the greatest of all the ,angels can alone bear to endure ,him8 ,only into a vast multiplicity of individuals can ,god pour and expend ,himself to the fullness of ,his desire1 the ,one to the many4 ,each individually receives from ,him1 and each individually and collectively--the many to the ,one--returns ,him those burning favours which are in ,celestial-living4 ,is it all joy to find ,god8 ,how can it be8 ,can faults and sins be eradicated without pain8 ,life here for the lover of ,god is one long eradication of offences4 ,how can even the daily requirements of flesh be fulfilled without pain8 ,how without profound humiliation and patience can we descend from ,contemplation to duties in the household8 ,how without pain consider with that same mind which has so recently been rapt in ,god--the various merits of breads1 pastries1 and portions of dead animals1 in order that flesh shall eat and live6 ,what a fall is this6--a fall that must be taken daily and patiently4 ,is it all joy to love ,god8 ,how can it be8 ,for ,love carries in itself a terrible wound of longing which can never be healed till we come before ,him in possession ,face to ,face4 ,and many times a day in an unpremeditated natural anguish ,love remembers the sufferings of that meek and holy ,saviour2 how can it be a joy to the soul that passionately loves ,him to stand before a tortured ,lord1 tortured for her8 ,there never was a pain as hard and sharp as this4 ,there are no tears like the tears we shed to ,christ4 ,,xvi ,we say of ,god that ,he is ,love and ,light1 ,wisdom and ,truth4 ,he is also a ,gracious ,consenting4 ,so we see the ,divine ,light ,consenting to darkness that it may return to ,light1 and ,divine ,love ,consenting to infidelity that it may return to ,perfect ,love4 ,but this ,gracious ,consenting is not because of or since ,adam1 but ,adam is because of this ,consenting4 ,in the flesh of ,adam the fallen soul is brought to a stay-point4 ,any that have experienced spirit-living even for one hour know that in immortal living is no stay-point but infinity of movement1 in which movement the wandering soul becomes lost and finally insensitive4 ,by means of the flesh the soul is brought to that stay-point where she more easily receives and understands the impregnation of ,consenting ,light1 which is the ,divine ,begetting2 and she receives the drawing power of ,consenting ,love3 she is directly operated upon by the ,divine ,pity ,who ,himself came to show her the ,way of ,return3 first1 by the negation or sacrifice of flesh lusts2 secondly1 by the sacrifice of spiritual lusts 7by which the soul originally fell72 until finally1 by death to all lusts and infidelities she is reunited to the blisses of ,immortal ,life4 ,this is the kindly purpose of our life in this world4 ,christ being ,eternal ,light and ,love and ,life1 we also are eternal who contain ,christ4 ,so1 then1 we consent to abandon all lusts of the flesh whilst also consenting to endure any consequences of these lusts in ourselves and others1 not in unwillingness to endure1 which is resistance1 but in submission4 ,from consenting to abandon the delights of the flesh we advance to consenting to the withdrawal of all spiritual delights from us3 enduring instead spiritual difficulties1 standing firm in the strength of ,christ whilst the assaults of self-will and infidelity batter the soul4 ,we consent to abandon self-absorption in the delights of ,god1 and1 returning to the world1 endeavour to perform all acts of life in the world in a manner consonant with perfection2 but this is impossible3 this effort is insupportable without ,grace4 ,we cannot do it alone4 ,we learn to know it and to know that we are never alone4 ,even if we fall into the deepest sin1 we are not abandoned by the ,divine ,graciousness3 by consenting to abandon this wickedness we are immediately reunited with the ,divine ,consenting1 and so onwards and upwards in an ever-ascending improvement to perfection3 and by consenting the soul daily sinks into the balm of ,christ and loses her burden4 ,we see the ,perfection of this divine consenting and abandonment of ,self-,will in the final picture of the ,cross4 ,we see unmurmuring consent to the death of flesh1 consent to the attacks of evil1 consent to injustice1 consent to infidelity 7and straightway they all forsook ,him and fled71 and1 finally1 consent to the death of ,divine ,union3 this not without groanings1 as being the one supreme and only insupportable ,agony4 ,,xvii ,how is it that ,perfect ,love can consent to the wandering of the soul with its consequent sorrow and sin8 ,divine ,light1 being also ,perfect ,freedom1 consents to the wandering of the soul2 but ,divine ,love1 being also ,reciprocity1 may not consent to such wandering as shall for ever preclude ,reciprocity4 ,the wandering soul must be1 will be1 ,redeemed4 99 99 99 ,if ,divine ,light1 being also ,perfect ,freedom1 consents to the wandering of the soul1 but ,divine ,love1 being also ,reciprocity1 may not consent to a perpetual wandering1 how set limits in a life in which perfect freedom must continue8 ,a limit can be fixed by ,evil1 ,evil the outermost circle from ,god1 the shore on which1 continually breaking and being broken1 the soul turns herself in longing to a long-forgotten ,lord4 ,evil is the hedge about the vineyard of the ,parable4 ,the soul is free to touch it1 free to pass through it if she will1 but touching it she knows ,pain4 ,pain causes the soul to pause and consider3 now is her opportunity2 now she is likely to turn about and seek the ,good4 ,then the purpose of ,evil is fulfilled2 then ,evil becomes the handmaid of ,good2 then we can feel and say with sincerity1 ,evil has smitten me friendly1 for it has caused me to turn about and seek ,good4 ,good1 once found1 is found to be stronger than ,evil4 ,in a few years ,good has so drawn us that ,evil has become negligible2 it lies forgotten on a now distant misty shore4 ,the soul is ,homeward bound4 ,,xviii ,if the wicked turn from his sins that he hath committed and keep my statutes 4 4 4 all his transgressions that he hath committed1 they shall not be mentioned unto him4--,ezekiel xviii4 #ba1 #bb4 ,,xix ,who is so blessed as the ,redeemed ,sinner8 ,who can taste the sweetness of ,god as can the repentant sinner8 ,who can know ,his graciousness1 ,his infinity of tenderness and courtesy1 as can the sinner8 ,who knows the heights and depths and lengths and breadths of ,god's forgiving love as does the sinner8 ,who can share with ,god hereafter such close experiences as will the sinner8 ,can ,angels share the memories of ,his human days with ,christ8 ,and who but the sorely tempted sinner can be bonded to ,him by the mutual knowledge of those bitter1 burning1 desert days8 ,not the ,righteous1 nor even ,angels can know quite the full beauty of all the bonds that bind the sinner to his ,saviour4 ,o marvellous love of ,god6 ,o blessed soul1 ,o blessed ,adam1 blessed even in thy sins6 ,he desired lovers and had none3 ,created ,angels1 and1 desiring to prove them as lovers1 ,he made ,him a ,lure4 ,a third of them turned to the ,lure and fell to ,it4 ,they serve the ,lure and take their bread from ,it1 and the offspring of the serving is ,evil4 ,desiring more lovers1 ,he fashioned souls2 yet1 when ,he proved them1 they also fell to the ,lure4 ,being lesser than ,angels1 they served not the ,lure1 but the offspring of it--,evil--and became subject to ,evil4 ,they were made for ,love1 and in ,evil found no ,love1 and it was an anguish and it tormented them4 ,and ,he put them in flesh1 that ,he might limit their suffering and show them ,his ,light again2 covered them about with ,limits like a merciful ,cloak2 hedged them in with ,evil as a boundary1 so they should have no will to fall away further from ,him than ,evil because of the pain of it4 ,but in flesh they continued to serve ,evil1 and the offspring of the serving was ,sin3 and they were miserable in their service1 because of the pain of it2 yet no soul could break the bondage of service1 because no soul could be found that1 being subject1 did not serve1 and in serving lose freedom by its own offspring4 ,then ,he sent ,his ,spirit to walk with them in flesh1 and being proven as a ,lover1 was not found wanting1 and being subject to ,evil did not serve1 and remaining ,sinless had no offspring to destroy ,his freedom1 and ,he broke the bondage and showed them a light4 ,he sent1 because ,he repented ,him of the ,proving and of the ,evil that came of it1 and ,his fallen lovers repented and repent of their fall4 ,his travail and their travail--the travail of severed ,love towards ,reunion--is the anguish of the ,ages3 but the anguish will have an end1 because ,love is ,omnipotence4 ------ ,transcriber's notes3 ,the name of the author1 ,lilian ,staveley1 is not mentioned on the title page of this text1 but ,i have added it here4 ,i have also made the following editorial changes3 ,i am of no value value whatever to ,i am of no value whatever called it it by the same name as ,i to called it by the same name as ,i ,god shall see us to to be prepared to ,god shall see us to be prepared the full beauty of all the the bonds to the full beauty of all the bonds 7though entirely without effort on her part7 is immensely increased7 to 7though entirely without effort on her part7 is immensely increased