,,the ,,golden ,,fountain or1 ,the      
,soul's ,love for ,god ,being some      
,thoughts and ,confessions of ,one of   
,his ,lovers  ,by  ,lilian ,staveley    
,london ,john ,m4 ,watkins #ba ,cecil   
,court1 ,charing ,cross ,road1 ,w4,c4#b 
#aiai     ,how many of us inwardly feel 
a secret longing to find ,god2 and this 
usually accompanied by the perception   
that we are confronted by an            
impenetrable barrier--we cannot find    
,him--we can neither go through this    
barrier nor climb over it6 ,we have     
faith4 ,we are able to admit that ,he   
exists1 for we cannot help but perceive 
a ,will dominating the laws of the      
,universe2 but something deep within us 
that we cannot put a name to1 something 
subtle1 secret1 and strange1 cries      
aloud1 ,but ,i need more than this1 it  
is not enough2 ,i need to personally    
find and know ,him4 ,why does ,he not   
permit me to do so8  ,we might easily   
answer ourselves by remembering that if1
 in everyday life1 we greatly desire to 

see a friend1 our best way of doing so  
is by going in the direction in which he
 is to be found3 we should consider this
 as obvious4 ,then let us apply this1   
which we say is so obvious1 to ,god4 ,we
 waste too much time looking for ,him in
 impossible directions and by impossible
 means4 ,he is not to be found by merely
 studying lengthy arguments1 brilliant  
explanations of theological statements1 
or controversies upon the meanings of   
obscure dogmas4 ,he is not even to be   
found through organising charity        
concerts and social reforms however     
useful4 ,we shall find ,him through a   
self stripped bare of all other         
interests and pretensions--stripped bare
 of everything but a humble and         
passionately seeking heart4  ,he says to
 the soul1 ,long for ,me1 and ,i will   
show ,myself4 ,desire ,me with a great  
desire1 and ,i will be found4  99 99 99 
,scattered all through history are      
innumerable persons1 both great and     
insignificant1 who looked for the ,pearl

 of ,great ,price3 and not too many     
would seem to have found it4 ,some      
sought by study1 by intelligence2 some  
by strict and pious attention to outward
 ceremonial service2 some by a religious
 life2 some even by penance and fasting4
 ,those who found sought with the heart4
 ,those who sought with careful piety1  
or with intelligence1 found perhaps     
faith and submission1 but no joy4 ,the  
,pearl is that which cannot be described
 in words4 ,it is the touch of ,god     
,himself upon the soul1 the ,joy of     
,love4  99 99 99  ,the entrance to the  
land of happiness and peace is through  
union of the will to ,christ1 by love4  
,how can this sense of love be reached8 
,by centring the wheel of the mind1 with
 its daily spinning thoughts1 upon the  
,man ,jesus1 and learning to inwardly   
see and hold on to the perfect          
simplicity and love of ,jesus ,christ4  
,we can form the habit of taking ,jesus 
as our heart and mind companion4 ,we are
 all aware of the unceasing necessity of

 the mind to fill itself3 we cannot have
 no thoughts until we have advanced in  
the spiritual life to a long distance4  
,we may well see1 in this1 one of the   
provisions made by ,god for ,his own    
habitation in the mind of man--a        
habitation too often hideously usurped  
by every kind of unworthy substitute4   
,petty social interests and occupations1
 personal animosities1 ambitions1       
worries1 a revolving endless chaos of   
futilities1 known and praised by too    
many of us as a busy life6--the mind    
being given opportunity only at long    
intervals1 and usually at stated and set
 times1 to dwell upon the thought of    
,god1 and the marvellous future of the  
human spirit4 ,we are like travellers   
who1 about to start out upon a great    
journey1 pack their portmanteaus with   
everything that will be perfectly       
useless to them6  ,now1 it is possible  
to put out and obliterate this chaotic  
and useless state of mind1 which would  
appear to be the natural mind1 and to   

open ourselves to receive the might and 
force and the joys and delights of      
,christ's ,mind4 ,these joys are the    
,heart of ,christ speaking to the heart 
of ,his lover4 ,they are incomparable3  
beyond all imagination until we know    
them2 and we receive them and perceive  
them and enjoy them as we have largeness
 and capacity to contain them4 ,for     
there is no end4 ,he has ever more to   
give if we will be but large enough to  
receive4  ,we are too absorbed in the   
puerile interests and occupations of    
daily life4 ,we make of these endless   
occupations a virtue4 ,they are no      
virtue1 but a deadly hindrance1 for they
 keep us too busy to look for the one   
thing needful--the ,kingdom of ,god4    
,what is this world8 ,it is a           
schoolhouse for lovers1 and we are      
lovers in the making4  ,is baptism of   
itself sufficient to get us into this   
,kingdom8 ,no4 ,is the leading of an    
orderly social life sufficient to find  
it8 ,no4 ,is the hope1 even the earnest 

expectation1 that we shall1 by some     
means or other 7we do not know by       
what671 be brought to it1 sufficient to 
find it8 ,no2 not without the personal  
laying hold can we ever achieve it4     
,shall we find it in much outward study8
 ,no2 and our aim is1 not to be the     
student but the possessor2 and the key  
to this possession is not in books1 but1
 for us1 in ,jesus4 ,he it is who must  
be invited and admitted into the heart  
with great tenderness--with all those   
virtues for which ,he stands--and made  
the centre point of thought4 ,out of    
constant thought grows tenderness2 out  
of tenderness1 affection2 out of        
affection1 love4 ,love once firmly fixed
 in the heart for ,jesus1 we get a      
perception 7by contrast7 of our own     
faults--very painful1 and known as      
repentance4 ,this should be succeeded at
 once by change of mind1 i4e4 we try to 
push out the old way of thinking and    
acting and take on a new way4 ,we try1  
in fact1 strenuously to please the      

,beloved1 to be in harmony with ,him2   
and now we have established a personal  
relationship between ourselves and      
,christ4  ,with the perception of our   
own failings comes the necessary        
humility and the drastic elimination of 
all prides4 ,we remember1 too1 that     
although ,jesus is so near to us1 and   
our own ,beloved1 ,he is also the mighty
 ,son of ,god4  ,he is also the mystical
 ,christ1 who1 when we are ready1 leads 
us to the ,father3 which is to say1 that
 we are suddenly stricken with the      
consciousness of and the love for ,god2 
and here we enter that most wonderful of
 all earthly experiences--the ,soul's   
great ,garden of ,happiness4  ,to be a  
student of theories1 dogmas1 laws1 and  
writings of men is to be involved in    
endless controversy2 and we may study   
books till we are sick1 and embrace     
nothing but vapour for all our pains4   
,to be a pupil and possessor we must    
first establish the personal            
relationship between ourselves and      

,jesus4 ,to do this we must realise more
 fully than we now do that ,he still    
lives4 ,the mind is inclined to dwell on
 ,him mostly as having lived4 ,when we  
have taught ourselves to realise that   
,jesus is as intensely alive to         
everything that we do as ,he was when   
,he visibly walked with men--that ,jesus
 is as easily aware of our inmost       
thoughts and endeavours now as ,he was  
of the secret thoughts of ,his          
disciples1--then we shall have brought  
,him much closer into our own life4  ,as
 the possessor of life is not the       
student of schools1 but is the pupil of 
,christ1 let us prepare ourselves to be 
pupils2 and this again we do solely by  
the help of the ,man-,jesus1 who is in  
,christ1 and ,christ in ,jesus4 ,for the
 ,christ-,god is at first too strong a  
meat for us3 we cannot with fullness    
understand that ,he is ,god1 but ,he    
,himself will teach us this when we are 
ready to know it4 ,to know this truth in
 its fullness is already to possess     

eternal life4  ,as no man is able to    
give us eternal life1 so no man is able 
to give us the knowledge that ,christ is
 ,god1 as ,he willed to reveal ,himself 
to man4 ,if we have doubts which hurt1  
let us drop them out1 changing the      
thought quickly to the sweetness1       
simplicity1 and gentleness of the       
,man-,jesus4 ,if we have questionings1  
let us cease to question1 and say with  
the man of old1 ,lord1 ,i believe2 help 
,thou mine unbelief4  ,we do well to    
avoid these questionings1 pryings1 and  
curiosities1 for when we indulge in such
 things we are like that common servant 
who does not disdain to peep through the
 keyhole of his master's chamber6 ,let  
us put such spiritual vulgarities upon  
one side1 and1 opening our heart to     
lovely ,love1 take ,him as our only     
guide4 ,love draws us very rapidly to   
,his own abiding-place1 for we are made 
of love1 and because of love1 and for   
love1 and to ,love we must return1 for  
,he awaits us with longing4  99 99 99   

,we often think1 ,where am ,i at fault8 
,i am unable to see myself as a sinner1 
though publicly ,i confess myself to be 
one4 ,for ,i keep the commandments2 ,i  
am friendly to my neighbours2 ,i am just
 to my fellow-men2 ,i can think of no   
particular harm that ,i do4 ,why1 then1 
am ,i a sinner8 ,and our very modesty   
and reverence may forbid us to compare  
ourselves with ,god4 ,yet here lies our 
mistake2 for if we would enter the      
,garden of ,happiness and ,peace1 which 
is the ,kingdom of ,god1 this is the    
commencement of our advance--that we    
should compare ourselves in all things  
with ,god1 in whose likeness we are     
made1 and1 making such full observation 
as we are able of the terrible gulfs    
between ourselves and ,him1 should with 
tears and humility and constant         
endeavour be at great pains and stress  
to make good to ,him our deficiencies4  
,be ye perfect as ,i am perfect4        
,be ye holy as ,i am holy4  ,if this    
were not attainable1 ,he would not have 

set so high a goal4 ,in this1 then1 we  
are sinners--that we are not pure and   
lovely as ,god ,himself6 ,this is a     
prodigious1 an almost unthinkable       
height2 yet ,he wills us to attempt it1 
and all the powers of ,heaven are with  
us as we climb4  99 99 99  ,fear        
curiosity4 ,fear it more than sin4      
,curiosity is the root1 and sin the     
flower4 ,this is one of the reasons why 
we should never seek ,god merely with   
the intelligence3 to do so is to seek   
,him1 in part at least1 with curiosity4 
,god will not be peeped upon by a       
curious humanity4 ,the indulgence in    
curiosity would of itself explain the   
whole downfall1 so called1 of man4  ,the
 ,soul is the ,prodigal4 ,curiosity to  
know led her away from the high heavens4
 ,love is her only way of return4       
,curiosity is the mother of all         
infidelity1 whether of the spirit or of 
the body4  99 99 99  ,though on reading 
the ,gospels carefully we may be unable 
to come to any other conclusion than    

that ,jesus ,christ neither prayed for  
nor died for all mankind1 but only for  
the elect1 yet we see equally clearly   
that all mankind is invited to be the   
elect4 ,we are1 then1 not individually  
sure of heaven because ,jesus died upon 
a cross for men2 but sure of heaven for 
ourselves1 only if we individually will 
to live and think and act in such a     
manner that we become of the elect4     
,him that cometh to ,me ,i will in no   
wise cast out1 says the ,voice of the   
,beloved4  99 99 99  ,in our early      
stages1 how we shrink from the mere     
word1 or idea1 of perfection2 and later1
 what we would give to be able to       
achieve it6 ,yet though we shrink so    
from the thought of it1 we know         
instinctively that we must try to       
approach it2 if we would stay near ,him1
 we must be wholly pleasing to ,him4 ,we
 think of saints--we know nothing of    
saints1 but think of them as most       
unusual persons midway between men and  
angels1 and know ourselves not fashioned

 for any such position3 and how change  
ourselves1 how alter our character1 as  
grown men and women8  ,it is ,christ who
 can show us the way4  ,the ,water of   
,life is the ,mind of ,christ1 and the  
true object of life is to learn how to  
receive this ,mind of ,christ3 for by it
 and with it we enter the ,kingdom of   
,god4 ,and how shall we receive the     
,mind of ,christ8 ,here is our          
difficulty4 ,firstly1 we may do it      
through sympathy with1 and a drawing    
near to1 the ,man-,jesus1 accompanied by
 such drastic changes of mind as we are 
able to accomplish to show our goodwill4
 ,we may learn to become more unselfish1
 more patient1 more sympathetic to      
others1 and to curb the tongue1 so that 
words which are untrue or unkind shall  
not slip off it4 ,we can learn to govern
 the animal that is in us1 instead of   
being governed by it4 ,no one could have
 a better guide in how to improve the   
condition of his mind than ,aaron       
,crane's book1 ,right and ,wrong        

,thinking4  ,and next1 having become    
well knitted to the ,man-,jesus1 the    
,christ will draw us forward step by    
step through all the next inward stages1
 we giving to ,him our attention2 and   
,he will bring us finally to that       
marvellous condition of                 
,god-consciousness by which ,he is able 
to perpetually refresh and renew us4    
,there is one great first rule to hold  
to1 which is to think lovingly of       
,jesus3 in this way we eventually and   
automatically come into a state of love4
 ,in which state ,he will teach us to   
put out our own little light1 that we   
may learn to live by the lovely light of
 ,god4 ,and we have entered the         
,kingdom6  ,for myself1 ,i experienced  
three conversions3 the first two of     
terrible suffering1 and the third of    
great and marvellous joy1 in which it is
 no exaggeration to say that for a few  
moments ,i seemed to receive ,god and   
all the freedom of the ,heavens into my 
soul4 ,i am not able to say exactly how 

long this experience lasted1 for ,i was 
dead to time and place1 but ,i should   
judge it to have been from fifteen to   
twenty minutes4  ,the first conversion  
came upon me one afternoon in my room1  
as ,i came in from walking4 ,i had been 
thinking of ,jesus while ,i walked1 as  
,i was often in the habit of doing4     
,without any intention or premeditation 
on my part1 ,i was now suddenly         
overwhelmed by a most horrible1         
unbearable1 inexplicable pain of remorse
 for my vileness3 for ,i seemed suddenly
 to be aware of ,him standing there in  
,his marvellous purity and looking at   
me--not with any reproach1 but with the 
sweetness of a wonderful ,invitation    
upon ,his face4 ,and immediately ,i saw 
myself utterly unworthy to come near    
,him3 and ,i writhed in the agony of    
this fearful perception of my           
unworthiness till ,i could bear no more4
 ,i was sick and ill with remorse and   
regret1 ,i was utterly broken up by it4 
,i did not know then that this awful    

pain is what is known as repentance1 and
 wondered secretly what could have come 
to me4 ,after this ,i found myself far  
more constantly thinking of             
,jesus--exchanging1 as it were1 sweet   
confidences with ,him1 telling ,him what
 ,i thought1 and endeavouring in every  
possible way to follow ,his manner of   
thought4 ,i am ashamed to say ,i was    
very remiss and lazy in prayers2 upon my
 knees ,i prayed very little indeed4    
,but ,i was very faithful and warm and  
tender to ,him in my heart1 and this had
 an effect upon my mind and actions1 and
 continued for two years4  ,i would be  
assailed by many questionings during    
this time4 ,for instance1 how could my  
sweet ,jesus1 whom ,i was always so near
 to1 be the mighty ,christ and ,god8    
,but ,i dropped these out as they came1 
feeling myself altogether too small to  
understand these things1 and very much  
frightened by such greatnesses4  ,when  
,i was alone with ,jesus1 all was so    
simple and so lovely2 so ,i put away all

 other thoughts and held closely to     
,jesus4  ,this having continued almost  
exactly the two years1 upon ,easter     
morning1 at the close of the service1   
the horrible anguish came on me again as
 ,i knelt in the church4 ,i was not able
 to move or to show my face for more    
than an hour2 and to this day ,i am not 
able to dwell upon the memory of that   
awful pain1 for ,i think ,i should go   
mad if ,i had to enter again into so    
great a torture of the spirit4 ,i       
endured to the utmost limit of my       
capacity for suffering--for this ,i will
 say of myself1 ,i did not draw back1   
but went on to the bitter end4 ,and the 
suffering was caused by the sight of    
that most terrible of all sights3 the   
vision of myself as over against the    
vision of ,jesus ,christ1 and ,i died a 
death for every fault4 ,whoever has felt
 the true wailing of the soul1 such an  
one knows the heights of all spiritual  
pain4 ,the heart and mind1 or creature1 
suffers in depths2 but the soul in      

heights1 and this at one and the same   
time1 so that the pain of repentance is 
everywhere4 ,and the depth of the       
suffering of the creature is coequal    
with the height of the suffering of the 
soul1 and the joint suffering of both   
would seem to be of coequal promise and 
merit for their after joy and glory2 so 
that it would seem that the more        
horrible our pain1 the quicker is our   
deliverance and the greater our later   
joys4  ,after this1 ,jesus1 without my  
knowing how it came about1 passed out   
from the ,perfect ,man into the ,christ 
of ,god4 ,i walked and talked with ,him 
no longer just as sweet ,jesus1 but as  
the ,marvellous and ,mighty ,risen      
,lord6 ,and now ,i became far more      
changed4 ,the world and all earthly     
loves began to fade2 they no longer     
satisfied or filled me in the least4    
,how could ,i contemplate ,his exquisite
 perfections1 the ineffable beauties of 
,his mind and heart1 and1 turning from  
these to the sight of the world and of  

the men and women that ,i knew1 not feel
 the difference8 ,where among my friends
 could ,i find perfect love8 ,amongst   
husbands and wives8 ,no4 ,amongst       
mothers and children8 ,no4 ,for         
everywhere ,i saw discord1 secret       
selfishness1 separate and divided       
desires1 and many deceits4 ,i found no  
love anywhere like ,his for us4 ,i was  
always an epicure in the matter of love1
 and knew the best when ,i found it4 ,i 
continued with my social and home life  
exactly as before3 the change was an    
inward change4  ,almost immediately     
after this the war came1 and1 with it1  
torments of anxiety over my earthly     
loves4  ,the fearful anxieties ,i was in
 drove me to prayer4 ,i began to pray   
more regularly2 but though ,i prayed1 ,i
 remained as miserable as before4 ,a    
painful illness came1 and lasted four   
months4 ,i had no home because of the   
war1 and nowhere to be ill in peace3 and
 ,i drank and ate wretchedness as my    
daily bread and wine1 and wondered why  

,i ever was born4  ,i cannot recall ,i  
was ever rebellious4 ,no1 ,i never was4 
,i walked in a maze of trouble1 and     
endured like a poor dumb thing1 and did 
not throw out my heart to ,god enough in
 prayer4 ,if ,i had done this ,i think  
,i should have been through my pains in 
half the time4  ,two years went by1 and1
 being in greater anxiety than ever     
because of a great battle that was going
 on and my love at the front of it1 ,i  
went up on the hill where ,i often went1
 and standing there ,i contended with   
,god1 crying out1 ,it is too much--the  
pain of this war is too great and too   
long2 ,i cannot bear it4 ,i am at an end
 of everything4 ,help me6 ,help me6 ,and
 in my anguish ,i seemed at last to be  
melted and running like water before    
,him1 and ,i came before ,him as it were
 immediately before a mighty and living 
,presence1 though ,i saw nothing4  ,but 
though ,i was so near ,him and appealed 
to ,him with the whole of my strength1  
there was no answer1 no reply1 but the  

great silence of heaven4  ,at last1 my  
agony over1 ,i walked for a little1 very
 quiet and very sad1 and all at once a  
marvellous thing happened to me4 ,i will
 not here describe how it was done to   
me1 but ,he filled me with love for     
,himself1 an amazing1 all-absorbing1 and
 tremendous love--from the crown of my  
head to the soles of my feet ,i was     
filled with love4 ,and this was ,his    
answer--and all my sorrows fled away in 
a great joy4  ,this third conversion    
produced a fundamental alteration of my 
whole outlook and grasp on life4 ,it    
brought me into direct contact with     
,god1 and was the commencement of a     
total change of heart and mind and      
consciousness2 the centre of my         
consciousness1 without any effort of my 
own1 suddenly moving bodily from a      
concentration upon the visible or       
earthly to a loving and absorbed        
concentration upon1 and a fixed         
attention to1 the ,invisible ,god--a    
most amazing1 undreamed-of change1 which

 remained permanent1 though fluctuating 
through innumerable degrees of intensity
 before coming to a state of            
equilibrium4 ,and now ,christ went away 
from me1 so that ,i adored ,him in ,god4
 ,after this for some weeks ,i went     
through extraordinary spiritual         
experiences1 the like of which had never
 previously so much as entered into my  
heart to imagine2 again ,i will say     
nothing here of these4 ,i came to all   
these experiences with great innocence  
and ignorance1 never having read any    
religious or psychological book1 and ,i 
think now that it is perhaps easier to  
have it so4  ,knowing that nothing is   
done without a purpose1 ,i would        
question myself what ,i could possibly  
be intended to learn out of these       
things2 and though ,i have never yet    
found a reason for any one given        
experience1 yet ,i see this3 the whole  
7which lasted for some weeks and was    
gone through at night and always in a   
state of semi-wakefulness1 though not in

 a normal wakefulness1 for the body     
would be stiff and set like a           
board7--the whole was the most          
convincing proof that ,he could have    
given me 7without destroying my flesh7  
of the reality of the life unseen4 ,for 
how otherwise could we be made to know  
of the reality of spiritual things if we
 were never taken into them8 ,and having
 been taken into them1 and they being a 
thousand times more poignant than any   
earthly experience1 how could we forget 
them8 ,whenever doubts upon anything    
presented themselves1 ,i had nothing    
more to do than to ,remember6 ,nothing  
,he could have devised to do for me     
could have been of greater or more      
direct assistance to me4 ,these         
experiences were to my creature what the
 centre-board is to the racing yacht4   
,with these memories ,i could keep an   
even keel1 and without them ,i must have
 capsized many a time4  ,by these       
spiritual experiences ,he gives us an   
immense courage1 and personal knowledge 

of a mysterious and hitherto unknown    
life of joys so great and so intense    
that all sufferings endured by us here  
appear to us in their true light as     
being a melting and cleansing agency    
infinitely worth while1 that we may gain
 in permanence such exquisite felicity4 
,our means of reaching a personal       
experience1 whilst still in the body1 of
 such a life of joys is to harmonise the
 spirit of our human creature to the    
degree of purity required by the soul to
 enable her in unfettered freedom to    
perform her divine functions4  ,we      
confuse in our minds the two separate   
essences--that of the soul and that of  
the human spirit 7heart1 intelligence1  
and will71 which are widely different2  
the soul acting for us as the wings of  
the creature4 ,and above and superior to
 the soul1 and yet within it1 is the    
divine and incorruptible ,spirit or     
,sparkle of ,god1 which in its turn acts
 as the wings of the soul4 ,so we have  
the worm 7or creature-spirit71 the soul2

 and the ,celestial ,spark1 or ,divine  
,intelligence of the soul1 which is the 
organ of ,god1 and with which we are    
able to come in sensible contact with   
the divine world and ,god ,himself4     
,what are our enemies8 ,selfishness1    
impatience1 covetousness1 pride1        
ill-temper1 bodily indulgences1 and1    
above all1 indifference to ,god of the  
will of the creature4  ,after this      
third1 and last1 conversion upon the    
hill1 which so altered my whole life1 ,i
 was for a period of some months in such
 a state of exaltation and enhancement  
of all my faculties that ,i did not know
 myself at all4 ,i was1 without any     
intention or endeavour on my own part1  
suddenly become like a veritable ,house 
of ,arts6 ,the most beautiful music     
flowed through my mind1 in which ,i     
noticed certain peculiarities--there was
 no sadness in it1 and it swayed me so  
that ,i seemed to go into a state of    
white-heat with emotion over it4 ,it was
 extraordinarily much smoother than any 

earth-music ,i ever heard1 and extremely
 consecutive1 like a fluid4 ,now with   
earth-music ,i find that even ,wagner is
 not able to achieve any consecutive    
perfection3 he reaches to a height--only
 to fall back and disappoint4 ,but this 
other music1 which is not heard with the
 senses but is invariably felt by the   
soul1 remains at extreme and fluid      
perfection1 and casts such spells over  
the listener that he is beside himself  
with enjoyment4 ,colour and form1       
imagery of all kinds1 would pass through
 me till ,i felt like an artist1 and    
cried out with regret1 ,oh1 if ,i had   
only studied this or that art and knew  
the grounding of it1 what heights of    
proficiency ,i could reach now6 ,an     
object of quite ordinary charm seemed1  
because of that something which now     
filled me1 to expand into prodigious    
beauty6 ,the very pavements and houses1 
mean and hideous as they are1 overflowed
 with some inexplicable glamour4 ,the   
world was turned into a veritable       

paradise6 ,when ,i thought of it all ,i 
was filled with amazement1 and still am1
 for how can we explain such changes in 
manner of living and seeing8 ,at this   
time my only trouble or difficulty was  
to conceal my condition from others4    
,but this wonderful state of things     
gradually passed away1 and ,i went into 
a most difficult condition4 ,at one time
 of the day ,i would be in an ecstasy of
 delight1 and an hour later in some     
altogether unreasonable depth of        
wretchedness4 ,i went to and fro from   
one extreme to the other1 and my time   
was1 ,i think1 mostly spent in trying to
 regain some kind of balance4 ,my love  
for ,god was as great as ever1 but it   
had become a love all made of tears4    
,indeed1 my whole being seemed made of  
tears4 ,i thought often of these words1 
the peace of ,god2 most certainly ,i had
 not found it4 ,on the contrary1 my life
 had become an indescribable turmoil4 ,i
 found no help from my fellow-beings2 ,i
 seemed to have lost the power of       

talking pleasantly with them1 and my    
point of view had become different from 
theirs4 ,men could no longer please me1 
and ,i could not please ,god6 ,i was    
entirely alone spiritually1 and ,i said 
to myself it would be better if ,i could
 be alone physically as well2 and ,i    
ached and longed and dreamed of solitude
 till it was like a sickness4 ,but the  
only solitude ,i could have was in my   
own room4  ,now1 believing myself to be 
a sensible and practical person1 ,i     
would say to myself that my condition1  
being so unreasonable1 must be got out  
of1 and ,i must make every effort to do 
it4 ,i prayed for two things--that ,i   
might love ,god with a cheerful         
countenance and not with tears1 and that
 ,he would teach me quickly what to pray
 for2 and ,he gave me the impulse to    
pray for more and greater love4  ,next1 
,i banished my own feelings as much as  
,i could 7since love must not think of  
itself71 paying as little attention to  
them as possible by perpetually dropping

 them out as they came and returning to 
the thought of ,jesus1 concerning myself
 at all times of the day to loving      
inward conversation with ,him2 and in   
this manner ,i fastened myself closer   
than ever to ,him1 continually praying  
for greater love to give ,him and       
passionately offering ,him all that ,i  
already had1 whilst with all my will and
 strength ,i tried to climb out of my   
miserable state4 ,soon ,i succeeded--,i 
was out of it in a matter of weeks4  99 
99 99  ,how humanity is extolled by its 
own kind6 ,how men are admired1 even    
glorified6 ,i am amazed1 for where is   
the glory of any man8 ,but rather1 how  
wonderful and glorious is ,god6 that ,he
 should cause to spring from one handful
 of dust such possibilities6 ,wonderful 
,god6 ,and blessed man1 that he should  
have so wonderful a ,god6  99 99 99     
,some men say that man has invented for 
himself the thought of ,god1 because of 
the great need he feels within himself  
for such a ,being4  ,yet look where we  

will in ,nature1 do we find a warrant   
for such a thought8 ,are babes inspired 
with the desire for milk1 and is that   
milk withheld from the nature of all    
mothers8 ,no2 to the babe is given the  
desire because the mother has wherewith 
to satisfy4 ,so with grown men3 for to  
us is given a deep and secret desire for
 the milk of ,god's love1 and to        
,himself ,he has reserved the joy of    
leading us to it and bestowing it upon  
us4  99 99 99  ,sometimes for a short   
while the soul will suffer from a       
sickness 7,i speak now for persons      
already very well advanced72 she is     
parched and without sweetness4 ,her love
 has no joy in it4 ,this is not a       
condition to be accepted or acquiesced  
in1 but must be overcome at once by a   
remedy of prayer3 prayer addressed to   
the ,father1 in the name of ,jesus      
,christ1 a prayer of praise and         
adoration--,i praise and bless and love 
and thank ,thee1 ,i praise and bless and
 love and worship ,thee1 ,i praise and  

bless and love and glorify ,thee--till  
the heart is fired and we return to the 
intimacy of love4 ,or the ,lord's       
,prayer1 very slow1 and with an         
intention both outgoing and intaking4   
,so far ,i have never known these       
remedies to fail1 and joy floods the    
soul and sends her swinging up1 up1 on  
to the topmost heights again4 ,it is    
magnificent4  ,how is it that we can    
pass so1 up from the visible into the   
,invisible1 and become so oned with it1 
and feel it so powerfully1 that the     
,invisible becomes a thousand times more
 real to us than the visible6 ,it is    
like a different manner of living       
altogether4 ,and when anyone so living  
finds himself even for a short time     
unfastened from this way of living and  
back again to what is known to the      
average as normal life1 this normal life
 seems no better to him than some       
horrible chaotic and uneven turmoil1 and
 his brain ready to be turned if he had 
to remain in it for long4 ,when so      

unfastened1 the whole savour of life is 
completely gone1 and a smallness of mind
 and outlook is fallen back into from   
which the soul recoils in horror and    
struggles quickly to free herself4  ,is 
this the remnant of the unruly creature 
rising up and grappling with the soul   
again8 ,is this some deliberate trial of
 us by the ,master8 or some natural     
spiritual sickness8 ,whilst in this     
condition we must disappoint the        
,beloved4 ,on the other hand1 we find   
ourselves kept to the knowledge of our  
own impotence and nothingness and       
dependence1 and the spirit is           
strengthened by the efforts made quickly
 to recover the lost beautiful estate4  
,also we become more able to feel true  
patience and compassion for such others 
as do not know the way of escape4 ,so we
 gain1 maybe1 more than we lose4  99 99 
99  ,we may wonder how it is that the   
,mighty ,maker of the ,universe should  
choose to condescend to the mere        
individual piece of clay4 ,it is        

incomprehensible4 ,it is so             
incomprehensible that there is but one  
way of looking at it4 ,this is no       
favouritism to the individual1 but the  
evidence of a ,mind with a vast plan    
pursuing a way and using a likely       
individual4 ,these individuals or       
willing souls ,he takes and1 setting    
them apart1 fashions them to ,his own   
ends and liking4 ,of one ,he will make a
 worker1 and of another ,he fashions to 
,himself a lover4 ,it would seem to be  
,his will to use the human implement to 
help the human4 ,as water1 for          
usefulness to the many1 must be         
collected and put through channels1 so  
it would seem must the beneficence of   
,god be collected into human vessels and
 channels that it may be distributed for
 the use of the many and the more       
feeble4  99 99 99  ,the more any man    
will consider humanity1 the more he will
 see that the education of the heart and
 will is of more importance than the    
education of the brain4 ,for in the     

perfectly trained and educated heart and
 will we find the evidence of highest   
wisdom4  99 99 99  ,why mortify the body
 with harsh austerities8 ,when we       
over-mortify the body with fastings1    
pains1 and penances we are remembering  
the flesh4 ,let us aim at the forgetting
 and not the despising of the flesh4 ,a 
sick body can be a great hindrance to   
the soul4 ,by keeping the body in a     
state of perfect wholesomeness we can   
more easily pass away from the          
recollection of it4 ,chastise the mind  
rather than the body4 ,christ taught1   
not the contempt or wilful neglect of   
the body1 but the humble submission of  
the body to all circumstances1 the      
obedience of the will to ,god1 and the  
glorious and immeasurable possibilities 
of the human spirit4  99 99 99  ,we know
 that the love of the heart can be      
beautiful and full of zeal and fervour2 
but the love of the soul by comparison  
to it is like a furnace1 and the        
capacities of the heart are not worthy  

to be named in the same breath4 ,yet1   
deplorable as is the heart of man1 it is
 evidently desired by ,god1 and must be 
given to ,him before ,he will waken the 
soul4 ,to my belief1 we are quite unable
 to awaken our own soul1 though we are  
able to will to love ,god with the      
heart1 and through this we pass up to   
the border of the ,veil of ,separation1 
where ,he will sting the soul into life 
and we have ,perception4  ,after which  
the soul will often be swept or plucked 
up into immeasurable glories and        
delights which are neither imagined nor 
contrived1 nor even desired by her at   
first--for how can we desire that which 
we have never heard of and cannot even  
imagine8 ,and these delights are        
unimaginable before the soul is caught  
up into them1 and to my experience they 
constantly differ4 ,the soul knows      
herself to be in the hands and the power
 of another1 outside herself4 ,she does 
not enter these joys of her own power or
 of her own will1 but by permission and 

intention and will of a force outside   
herself though perceived and known      
inside herself4 ,no lovers of arguments 
or guessing games can move the soul to  
listen when she has once been so        
handled4 ,for to know is more than to   
guess4  99 99 99  ,how can a ,contact   
with ,god be in any way described8 ,it  
is not seeing1 but meeting and fusion   
with awareness4 ,the soul retaining her 
own individuality and consciousness to  
an intense degree1 but imbued with and  
fused into a life of incredible         
intensity1 which passes through the soul
 vitalities and emotions of a life so   
new1 so vivid1 so amazing1 that she     
knows not whether she has been embraced 
by love or by fire1 by joy or by        
anguish3 for so fearful is her joy that 
she is almost unable to endure the might
 of it4 ,and how can the heat or fire of
 ,god be described8 ,it is very far from
 being like the cruelty of fire1 and yet
 it is so tremendous that the mind knows
 of little else to compare it to4 ,but  

it is like a vibration of great speed   
and heat1 like a fluid and magnetic     
heat4  ,this heat is of many degrees and
 of several kinds4 ,the heat of ,christ 
is mixed with indescribable sweetness3  
giving marvellous pleasure and          
refreshment and happiness1 and          
wonderfully adapted to the delicacy of  
the human creature4 ,the heat of the    
,godhead is very different1 and         
sometimes we may even feel it to be     
cruel and remorseless in its very       
terrible and swift intensity4 ,but the  
soul1 like all great lovers1 never      
flinches or hangs back1 but passionately
 lends herself4 ,if ,he chose to kill   
her with this joy she would gladly have 
it so4  ,by these incomprehensible      
wonders ,he seems to say to the         
creature3 ,come thou here1 that ,i may  
teach thee what is ,joy2 come thou here1
 that ,i may teach thee what is ,life4  
,for none are permitted to teach of     
these things save ,i ,myself4  99 99 99 
,there is another manner4 ,the ,spirit  

comes upon the soul in waves of terrible
 power4 ,now in a rapture ,god descends 
upon the soul1 catching her suddenly up 
in a marvellous embrace3 magnetising    
her1 ravishing her4 ,he is come1 and ,he
 is gone4 ,in an ecstasy the soul goes  
out prepared to meet ,him1 seeking ,him 
by praise and prayer1 pouring up her    
love towards ,him2 and ,he1             
condescending to her1 fills her with    
unspeakable delights1 and at rare times 
,he will catch her from an ecstasy into 
a greater rapture4 ,at least1 so it is  
with me3 the ecstasy is prepared for1   
but in the quicker rapture 7or catching 
up7 it is ,he that seeks the soul4      
,these two conditions1 though given very
 intermittently1 become a completely    
natural experience4 ,i should say that  
the soul lived by this way3 it is her   
food and her life1 which she receives   
with all the simplicity and naturalness 
of the hungry man turning to his bodily 
food4 ,but these waves of power were    
something altogether new and very hard  

to endure4 ,as each wave passed ,i would
 come up out of it1 as it were1 gasping4
 ,it was as if something too great for  
the soul to contain was being forced    
through her4 ,it was as if one should   
try to force at fearful pressure fluid  
through a body too solid to be          
percolated by it4 ,i understood nothing 
of what could be intended by such       
happenings1 neither could ,i give       
accommodation to this intensity4 ,i     
tried to make myself a wholly willing   
receptacle and instrument1 but after the
 third day of this ,i could not bear any
 more4 ,i was greatly distressed4 ,i    
could not understand what was required  
of me4 ,i gave myself totally to ,him1  
and it was not enough4 ,and at last ,i  
cried to ,him1 saying3 ,i understand    
nothing3 forgive me1 my ,god1 for my    
great foolishness1 but ,thy power is too
 much for me4 ,do what ,thou wilt with  
me2 ,i am altogether ,thine4 ,drown me  
with ,thy strength1 break me in         
pieces--,i am willing2 only do it       

quickly1 my ,lord1 and have done with   
it1 for ,i am so small4 ,but ,i love    
,thee with all that ,i have or am2 yet  
,i am overwhelmed3 ,i am still too      
little to be taught in this way1 it is  
too much for my strength4 ,yet do as    
,thou wilt2 ,i love ,thee1 ,i love      
,thee4 ,and ,he heard me1 and ,he       
ceased3 and ,he returned to the ways    
that ,i understood and dearly loved1 and
 for weeks ,i lived in ,paradise4 ,but  
my body was dreadfully shaken1 and ,i   
suffered with my heart and breathing4   
,shortly after ,i began to know that    
another change had come into me4 ,god   
had become intensely my ,father1 and    
,christ the lover was gone up again into
 the ,godhead--as happened after my     
third conversion upon the hill4  ,so    
great1 so tremendous was this sense of  
the ,fatherhood of ,god become that ,i  
had only to think the word ,father to   
seem to be instantly transported into   
,his very bosom4 ,oh1 the mighty        
sweetness of it6 ,but it is not an      

ecstasy4 ,the creature and soul are dead
 to world-life1 as in a rapture or      
ecstasy2 but the soul is not the bride1 
she is the child1 and1 full of eager and
 adoring intimacy1 she flies into ,his  
ever-open arms1 and never1 never does   
she miss the way4 ,oh1 the sweetness of 
it1 the great1 great glory of it1 and   
the folly of words6 ,if only all the    
world of men and women could have this  
joy6 ,how to help even one soul towards 
it is what fills my heart and mind4 ,how
 convince them1 how induce them to take 
the first steps8 ,it is the first steps 
we need to take4 ,he does not drive1 ,he
 calls4 ,come to ,me1 ,he calls4 ,it is 
this failure to have the will to go to  
,him which is the root of all human woe4
 ,would we but take the first few steps 
towards ,him1 ,he will carry us all the 
rest of the way4 ,these first few steps 
we take holding to the hand of ,jesus4  
,for the so-called ,christian there is  
no other way 7but he is no ,christian   
until he has taken it74 ,for the        

,buddhist1 doubtless1 ,gautama is       
permitted to do the same4 ,but for those
 who are baptized in ,jesus ,christ's   
name1 ,he is their only ,way4  99 99 99 
,god1 once found1 is so poignantly      
ever-present to the soul that we must   
sing and whisper to ,him all the day4   
,o marvellous and exquisite ,god6 ,i am 
so enraptured by ,thy nearness1 ,i am so
 filled with love and joy1 that there is
 no one1 nothing1 in heaven or earth to 
me save ,thine ,own ,self1 and ,i could 
die for love of ,thee6 ,indeed ,i am in 
deep necessity to find ,thee at each    
moment of the day1 for so great is ,thy 
glamour that without ,thee my days are  
like bitter waters and a mouthful of    
gravel to a hungry man4 ,how long wilt  
,thou leave me here--set down upon the  
earth in this martyrdom of languishing  
for love of ,thee8 ,and suddenly1 when  
the pain can be endured no more1 ,he    
embraces the soul4 ,then where do sorrow
 and waiting fly8 and what is pain8     
,there never were such things6  99 99 99

  ,we do well never to recall past      
ecstasies4 ,in this way the soul comes  
to each encounter with a lovely         
freshness and purity1 and neither makes 
comparisons nor curious comments1 but   
gives herself wholly to love4 ,but by   
these contacts the soul gains a secret  
and personal knowledge of ,god3 without 
sight and without reasoning she actually
 feels to partake of ,god1 so that she  
passes by these means far up beyond     
belief1 into experiences of knowledge   
which in their poignant intensity are at
 once an ineffable violence and a       
marvellous white peace4  99 99 99  ,i   
find the lark the most wonderful of all 
birds4 ,i cannot listen to his          
rhapsodies without being inspired 7no   
matter what ,i may be in the midst of   
doing or saying7 to throw up my own love
 to ,god4 ,in the soaring insistence of 
his song and passion ,i find the only   
thing in ,nature which so suggests the  
high-soaring and rapturous flights of   
the soul4 ,but ,i am glad that we       

surpass the lark in sustaining a far    
more lengthy and wonderful flight2 and  
that we sing1 not downwards to an       
earthly love1 but upwards to a heavenly4
  ,to my mind1 this is man's only       
justification for considering himself   
above the beasts--that we can love1 and 
communicate with1 ,god4 ,for where      
otherwise is his superiority8 ,he builds
 fine buildings which crumble and decay4
 ,he digs holes in the earth to take out
 treasures which he has not made2 and if
 he makes himself the very highest tower
 of wealth or fame1 he must come down   
from it and be buried in the earth like 
any other carcase4  99 99 99  ,it is    
better not to contend1 either with      
others or against our own body4 ,if we  
contend against anything we impress it  
the more firmly upon our consciousness4 
,so if we would overcome the lusts of   
the body1 let us do it not by harming or
 by contending against the body1 which  
but emphasises its powers and           
importance1 but let us rather proceed to

 ignore and make little of the body by  
forgetting it and passing out of it into
 higher things2 and eventually we shall 
learn to live1 not in the lower state1  
but in the joy of the soul4 ,why have a 
contempt for the body8 ,i once did1 and 
found that ,i was committing a great sin
 against the ,maker of it4  ,how dare we
 say my body is vile1 when ,he fashioned
 it6 ,it is blasphemous1 when we        
consider that it is ,his ,temple4  ,to  
my mind the body is a beautiful and     
wonderful thing1 and is greatly sinned  
against by our evil hearts and minds and
 tongues4 ,the body would do no harm if 
we1 with our free-will1 did not think   
out the wickedness first in our own     
hearts4 ,for first we commit theft and  
adultery with the mind1 and then we     
cause the body to carry out these       
things4 ,we know that the body is under 
the law1 and its appetites are under the
 law1 but the heart and mind and tongue 
are perpetual breakers of this law4 ,it 
is lawful for the body to take its meat 

and drink1 but not to be surfeited and  
drunken4 ,it is lawful for the body to  
have its desires and its loves1 but not 
to be promiscuous and unfaithful4  ,but 
we know that a better way is to turn all
 appetites and greeds to this1 that we  
be greedy and ravenous for ,christ4     
,only so shall we use the appetites of  
mind and heart and body for their true  
end1 and that not by despising but by   
conversion4  ,with great insistence ,i  
have been taught not to despise anything
 whatever in ,creation of things made in
 ,his most beautiful and wonderful      
world1 though often ,i may cry with     
tears1 ,lord ,god6 raise me to a world  
holier and nearer to ,thyself1 for ,i am
 heartbroken here4  ,yet ,i am taught   
only to despise such things as lying1   
deceitfulness1 hypocrisy1 and           
uncleanness--in fact1 stenches of the   
heart and mind1--and not to think too   
much about these1 but1 passing on1 drop 
out the recollection of them in thoughts
 of finer things4  ,his inward          

instruction has been this1 quietly to   
lay upon one side all that which is not 
pleasing to ,god2 and one by one1 and   
piece by piece1 to fold up and put away 
all that ,he does not love4  ,above all1
 ,he has taught me to have no           
self-esteem and no prides2 and to such a
 degree do ,i have to learn this1 that1 
without the smallest exaggeration1 ,i am
 hardly ever able to think myself the   
equal of a dog4 ,but the love of a dog  
for his master is a very fine thing4  99
 99 99  ,i think we mistake our own     
power and capacity in even seeking to   
imitate the ,christ2 let us begin rather
 by taking into our heart and our mind  
the ,christ as the ,man-,jesus4 ,for    
,his love and power only can show us the
 way to imitate the ,christ which is in 
,him4  99 99 99  ,is the temporary loss 
of grace our fault1 or is it a          
deliberate withdrawal and testing upon  
,his part8 ,both4 ,every condition that 
we are in which is not pure and perfect 
of its kind1 such as pure peace1 pure   

joy1 pure harmony1 is because of failure
 on our part to hold to ,him4 ,whenever1
 and for so long1 as we keep ourselves  
in the single and simple condition of   
mind and heart necessary for the        
perception and reception of ,him1 for   
just so long shall we receive and       
perceive him2 but this condition again  
we cannot maintain without grace4 ,all  
loss of joy1 of serenity1 of contact1 is
 failure1 then1 on our part or          
withdrawal upon ,his4 ,yet we learn a   
bitter but useful lesson by these losses
 of ability for connection4 ,to return  
ignominiously to our dust is a most     
bitter humiliation and trial--indeed1 a 
desolation4 ,now1 if we did not so      
return we might suppose ourselves able1 
of our own power1 not only to achieve   
momentary connection with the ,divine1  
but to remain at will in this sublime   
condition1 by which ,i mean in a state  
bordering upon ecstasy4 ,the withdrawal 
of grace therefore would seem to be a   
necessary part of the education and of  

the constant humbling of the soul4 ,to  
find ourselves1 of our own unaided      
capacity1 by the mere force of our own  
will1 able to constantly go up to so    
high a level would inevitably foster    
pride2 indeed1 to attain such a capacity
 would seem to place us on a level with 
the angels6  ,by these withdrawals of   
grace1 which came at first very         
tenderly1 but gradually with greater and
 greater severity1 ,i have learnt this3 
that in spite of all that has been done 
for me1 of all that ,i have experienced1
 in spite of all the heights to which at
 times ,i have been raised1 ,i remain   
nothing better than the frailest and    
unworthiest thing6 ,the sight of an ugly
 grey cloud1 momentarily and gloriously 
illumined by the sun1 is a sufficient   
illustration of the temporary           
transformation of our own selves touched
 by the light and the glory of ,god4    
,for the carrying out of ,his plan1 it  
would seem to be ,his good pleasure that
 we are just what we are--not angels1   

but little human things1 full of        
simplicity and trust and love4 ,like    
dear children1 as ,st ,paul says2 and   
yet1 oh6 wonder of wonders6 far more    
than this4 ,for whilst we patiently     
wait1 from time to time ,he stoops and  
embraces the soul in an infinite bliss1 
in which we are no more children1 but   
are caught up into ,high ,love4  ,at    
first when we begin this new kind of    
living ,he holds us firmly1 as it were1 
to a condition suitable for contact with
 ,him4 ,if ,he did not do so1 having had
 no previous practice1 we should never  
remain in it for two moments together4  
,then little by little ,he teaches us to
 live with less frequent joy1 and this  
is the cause of much difficulty and     
trouble4 ,it is hard to endure being    
without this blessed state and these    
marvellous favours1 and more and more ,i
 found ,he withdrew them whilst often my
 worldly and commonplace heart and mind 
still held me back--even from peace4 ,if
 we could but rid ourselves quickly of  

all selfish desires and greeds6 ,not    
until ,i had learnt to do this was ,i   
given back my joys1 and then sparingly4 
,how ,i would turn towards that secret  
door--the door of the kingdom of        
love1--and calling to ,him1 hear no     
reply6 ,where is ,he gone8--why this    
desertion8--,i would cry4 ,how can ,he  
cause such pain1 how can ,i bear such   
dreadful deprivations1 and what is love 
but a sharp sword8 ,lord1 let me hear   
,thy voice1 for ,i am in despair2 ,i    
cannot bear these pains1 ,i fear for    
everything1 my joy is lost4 ,my bread is
 spread with bitterness2 where is the   
honey that ,i love so well8 ,lord1 call 
to me even from far away1 and ,i shall  
hear and be consoled4 ,lord1 ,i am sick 
and ill--how canst ,thou leave me so8   
,hast ,thou no pity for my pain8--is    
this ,thy love8 ,my pain6 ,lord1 ,i     
remember6 ,thou hast been kissed by pain
 more frequently than ,i4 ,oh1 let me   
wipe the memory of ,thy pain away with  
my warm love1 and let me sing to ,thee  

and be ,thy lark1 and do ,thou go and   
wander where ,thou wilt and ,i will love
 ,thee just the same6 ,and softly the   
,voice of the ,beloved1 saying3 ,i am   
here1 ,i never left thee2 but thou wast 
busy crying of thy pains and did not    
hear ,me when ,i answered thee4 ,lord1  
so ,i was6 ,i was so filled with self1  
and1 asking for ,thy gifts1 ,i did      
forget to give6 and so lost love4  99 99
 99  ,it is hard to conquer in small    
things1 petty irritations1 worries1     
cares of this world1 likes and          
dislikes--all of these being subtle     
temptations1 and all selfish4 ,for      
instance1 very often ,i find the human  
voice the most horrible thing that ,i   
know6 ,i will be in a beautiful state of
 mind1 and people around me will drag me
 from it with their maddening inanities 
of conversation4 ,this one will speak of
 the weather1 and that one of food2     
another of scandal1 another of          
amusements4 ,they will talk of their    
love for a dog1 for a horse1 for golf1  

for men or women2 but never do ,i hear  
at any time1 or anywhere1 anyone speak  
of their love for ,god4 ,i must listen  
to all their loves1 but if ,i should    
venture to speak of mine they would look
 at me amazed2 indeed1 ,i never should  
dare to do it4 ,and this is perhaps the 
greatest weakness that ,i have to fight 
against now1 and one that spoils the    
harmony of the mind more than any       
other--that ,i cannot always control    
myself from secret though unspoken      
irritation1 impatience1 and criticisms2 
and to criticise is to judge1 and in    
this there is wrong1 and the smallest   
breeze of wrong is enough to blow       
to--even to close--the door into that   
other lovely world4 ,and not only this1 
but every such failure is a             
disappointment to the ,beloved4 ,many   
times ,i say to ,him1 ,what canst ,thou 
do with us all1 ,beloved--such a mass of
 selfish1 foolish1 blundering1 sinful   
creatures1 all hanging and pulling on to
 ,thee at the same moment8 ,and ,i will 

be filled with a passionate desire to so
 progress that ,i may stand a little    
alone and not be a perpetual drag upon  
,him1 and1 feeling strong1 perhaps ,i   
will say3 ,i will give up my share of   
,thee to someone else1 and not draw upon
 ,thee for a little while1 my ,beloved  
,lord4 ,but oh1 in less than an hour1 if
 ,he should take me at my word6 ,i could
 cry and moan like a small child1 in my 
horrible emptiness and longing for ,him4
 ,and where now is my strength8--,i have
 not an ounce of it without ,him6 ,by   
this ,i learn in my own person how ,he  
is life itself to us1 in all ways4 ,he  
is the air1 the bread1 and the blood of 
the soul1 and no one can live without at
 every moment drawing upon ,him1 though 
they do it insensibly4 ,what a weight to
 carry1 what a burden1 this whole hungry
 clamouring mass of disobedient men and 
women6 ,oh1 my ,beloved1 how frequently 
,i weep for all ,thy bitter             
disappointment--never ending6  ,but this
 we may be sure of--that all the marvels

 of ,his grace are not poured out on    
some poor scrappit for no other reason  
than to give him pleasure4 ,there is a  
vast purpose behind it all1 and by      
keenest attention we must pick up this  
purpose1 understand it1 and do it4 ,this
 is the true work of man1 to love ,god  
with all the heart and mind and soul and
 strength1 and not those material works 
with which we all so easily satisfy     
ourselves and our consciences1 and our  
bodily needs4  ,he has marvellous ways  
7and very difficult to the beginner7 of 
conveying ,his wishes4 ,to my finding1  
the inward life of us is like a         
perpetual interchange of conversation   
between the heart and its many desires  
and the mind 7which for myself ,i put   
into three parts--the intelligence1 the 
will1 the reason74 ,now1 all these parts
 of my heart and of my mind formerly    
occupied themselves entirely with       
worldly things1 passing from one thing  
to another in most disorderly fashion2  
but now they occupy themselves 7save for

 bodily necessities7 solely with ,him4  
,there is a perpetual smooth and        
beautiful conversation between them to  
,him and of ,him2 and suddenly ,he will 
seem to enter into this conversation1   
suggesting thoughts which are not mine4 
,often ,he will stab the soul1 but not  
with words1 also the heart2 and ,i have 
known such communications lie for weeks 
before they could be taken up by the    
mind1 turned into words1 and finally as 
words be digested by the reason4 ,and   
another way to the soul only--rare1     
untransferable to words1 and therefore  
not transmittable to others or to the   
reason4 ,this way causes the creature a 
great amazement1 and is like a flooding 
or moving of whiteness1 or an           
inwardly-felt phosphorescence2 it is a  
vitalising ministration greatly enjoyed 
by the soul4 ,this is not any ecstasy1  
and is exceedingly swift2 the soul must 
be at high attention to receive this1   
yet neither anticipates nor asks for it1
 but is in the act of giving great and  

joyful adoration4  99 99 99  ,i do not  
remember when ,i first became fully     
conscious that the centre or seat of my 
emotions was changed1 and that ,i now   
responded to all the experiences of life
 only with the higher parts of me4      
,this change ,i found inexplicable and  
remarkable1 for it was fundamental1 and 
yet neither intended nor thought of by  
me4 ,with this alteration in the        
physical correspondences to life came a 
corresponding alteration in the         
spiritual of me4  ,formerly ,i supposed 
that the soul dwelt in1 or was even a   
part of1 the mind4 ,now1 though the mind
 must be filled wholly with ,god1 and   
all other things whatsoever put out of  
it if we would contemplate ,him or      
respond to ,him1 yet neither the brain  
nor the intelligence of the creature can
 come into any contact with ,him2 and   
this ,i soon learnt4  ,correspondence   
with the ,divine is accomplished for the
 creature through the heart and by the  
uppermost part of the breast1 this      

latter place 7above the heart and below 
the mind7 is the dwelling-place of the  
celestial spark of the soul1 which lies1
 as it were1 between two fires--that of 
the heart and that of the mind1         
responding directly to neither of these1
 but to ,god only4  ,before ,i was      
touched upon the hill ,i was not aware  
of the locality of any part of my soul1 
neither was there anything which could  
convince me that ,i even possessed a    
soul4 ,i did no more than believe and   
suppose that ,i did possess one4 ,but   
the soul1 once revived1 becomes the most
 powerful and vivid part of our being2  
we are not able any longer to mistake   
its possession or position in the body4 
,she is indeed the wonderful and lovely 
mistress of us1 with which alone we can 
unlock the mysteries of ,god's love4  99
 99 99  ,how poor and cold a thing is   
mere belief6 ,no longer do ,i believe in
 ,jesus ,christ3 ,i do possess ,him4 ,so
 complete is the change that ,he brings 
about in us that ,i now only count my   

life and my time from the first day of  
this new ,god-consciousness that ,i     
received upon the hill1 for that was the
 first day of my real life2 just as     
formerly ,i would count my time from the
 first day of my physical birth1 and    
from that on to my falling in love and  
to my marriage1 which once seemed to me 
to be the most important dates4  ,whilst
 these changes were taking place in me  
,i would often be filled with uneasiness
 and some alarm2 asking myself what all 
this could mean1 and if it could be the 
way of martyrs or saints1 for ,i had no 
courage or liking to be one or the other
 and was very frightened of suffering4  
,and ,i think my cunning heart would    
have liked to take all the sweets and   
leave the bitter4 ,how well ,he knew    
this1 and how exquisitely ,he handled   
me1 never forcing1 only looking at me1  
inviting me with those marvellous       
perfections of ,his6 ,how could ,i      
possibly resist ,him8 ,all the while1   
all my waking hours1 ,i felt that       

strange1 new1 incomprehensible1 steady1 
insistent drawing and urgency of the    
,spirit in me4 ,little by little ,i     
went--and still go--towards perfection1 
whilst my cowardly heart endured many   
fears1 but these are now past4 ,it was  
not any desire for my own salvation2 to 
this ,i have never given so much as two 
thoughts4 ,it was the irresistible      
attraction of our marvellous and        
beautiful ,god4 ,he lured1 ,he drew me  
with ,his loveliness1 ,his holy         
perfections1 ,his unutterable purity4 ,i
 longed to please ,him4 ,the whole earth
 was filled with the glamour of ,him1   
and ,i filled with horror to see how    
utterly unlike--apart from the glorious 
,beloved--,i was4 ,how frightful my     
blemishes1 which must stink in ,his     
nostrils6 ,think of it6 ,to stink in the
 nostrils of the ,beloved6 ,what lover  
could endure to do such a thing8 ,no    
effort could be too great or painful to 
beautify oneself for ,him4 ,in this     
there is no virtue2 it is the driving   

necessity of love1 a necessity known by 
every lover worthy of the name on earth4
 ,to please and obey this ineffable and 
exquisite ,being6--the privilege        
intoxicated me more and more4  ,all     
these changes in my heart and mind      
continually filled me with surprise1 for
 ,i was never pious1 though inwardly and
 secretly ,i had so ardently sought     
,him4 ,i was attentive1 humble1 and     
reverent1 nothing more4  ,but though ,i 
had perhaps little or no piety1 and     
never read a single religious book1 ,i  
had had a deep thirst for the perfect   
and the holy and the pure1 as ,i seemed 
unable to find them here on the earth4  
,in the quiet solemnity of church1 or   
under the blue skies1 ,i could detach   
myself from my surroundings and reach up
 and out with wistful dimness towards   
the ineffable holiness and purity of    
,god--,god who1 for me at least1        
remained persistently so unattainable4  
,and yet one blessed day ,i was to find 
,him suddenly1 all in one glorious hour1

 no longer unattainable but immanently1 
marvellously near1 and willing to remain
 for me so strangely permanently near   
that ,i must sing silently to ,him from 
my heart all the day long--sing to ,him 
silently1 because even the faintest     
whisper would feel too gross and loud   
between my soul and ,him4 ,and in hours 
when ,i fall from this wonderful estate 
,i think ,i come very near hell1 so     
awful is my loss4  ,our greatest need is
 to relearn the will of ,god4 ,for we   
are so separated from ,him that we now  
look upon ,his ,will as on a cross1 as  
an incomprehensible sacrifice1 as but   
self-abnegation1 pain1 and gloom4 ,we   
repudiate it in terror4  ,if we have the
 will to relearn ,his ,will1 we stand   
still and think of it1 we walk to seek  
it1 we try to accept it1 trembling we   
bow down to it with obedience and many  
tears2 and behold6 it changes to an     
,invitation1 a sigh of beauty1 a breath 
of spring1 the song of birds1 the faces 
of flowers1 the ever-ascending spiral of

 the mating of all loves1 the sunshine  
of the ,universe2 and at last1          
intoxicated with happiness1 we say3 ,my 
,god1 my ,love1 ,i sip and drink ,thy   
,will as an ambrosial ,wine6  99 99 99  
,to the lover of ,god all affections go 
up and become enclosed1 as it were1 into
 one affection1 which is ,himself2 so   
that we have no love for anyone or      
anything apart from ,him4 ,in this is   
included1 in a most deep and mysterious 
fashion1 marriage-love in all its       
aspects4 ,in every way it can become a  
sacrament3 there is nothing in it which 
is not holy1 in no way does the marriage
 bond of the body separate the spirit   
from acceptableness to ,god4  ,but ,i   
was some time before ,i could arrive at 
this1 and could see marriage as the     
physical prototype in this physical     
world of the spiritual union with       
,himself in the spiritual world4 ,and   
this was arrived at1 not by prudish     
questionings and criticisms1 but by     
remembering that this relationship      

between men and women is ,his thought1  
,his plan1 not ours4 ,we are responsible
 for our part in it only in so far as to
 keep the bond of it pure and clean and 
sweet1 and submit ourselves in all      
things as completely and orderly as     
possible to ,his plans1 whatever they   
may be4 ,in this attitude of            
unquestioning1 unresisting submission1  
the ,holy ,spirit finds a swift and easy
 channel through us4 ,it is our         
opposition to the passage of the ,holy  
,will which causes all the distress and 
uneasiness of life4 ,he has no wish to  
impose distress and suffering upon us4  
,his ,will towards us is pure joy1 pure 
love1 pure peace1 pure sweetness4 ,this 
bond of earthly marriage is of the flesh
 and can be kept by the body1 and yet   
the heart1 mind1 and soul remain in     
lovely perfect chastity2 and ,i found   
that this exquisite freedom--after      
prolonged endeavours on the part of the 
soul and the creature--was at length    
given them as a gift by act of grace1   

and remained in permanence without      
variation4  99 99 99  ,we know that     
these things are deep mysteries and     
largely hidden2 but this ,i know3 as the
 heart feels love in itself for ,god1 in
 that same instant comes ,god into the  
soul of the lover4 ,now1 where ,god is  
we know that there is neither evil1 nor 
sadness1 nor unhappiness1 nor any       
recollection of such things2 therefore1 
to be a great and constant lover to ,him
 is to be automatically lifted from all 
unhappinesses4  ,this is our wisest and 
our best desire1 to be a splendid lover 
to our ,most ,glorious ,god4  ,the more 
,i see of and talk with other people1   
the more ,i see how greatly changed ,i  
am4 ,i am freed4 ,they are bound4 ,i    
find them bound by fears1 by anxieties1 
by worries1 by apprehensions of evil    
things1 by sadness1 by fears of death   
for their loved ones or for themselves4 
,now1 we are freed of all these things  
if we keep to the ,way1 which is the    
,road of ,love4 ,this change we do not  

bring about for ourselves1 and do not   
perhaps even realise that it can be     
effected4 ,for myself1 ,i seemed to be  
lifted into it1 or into a capacity for  
it1 on that day and in that moment in   
which ,i first loved ,god4 ,this is not 
to say that since that moment ,i have   
not had to struggle1 suffer1 and endure1
 to keep myself in1 and progress in this
 condition2 but my sufferings1          
struggles1 and endurances1 being for    
love and in love and because of love1   
were and are in themselves beautiful1   
and leave in the recollection nothing   
inharmonious4 ,they are the difficult   
prelude to a glorious melody4  ,another 
thing--we become by this love for ,him  
so large that we seem to embrace within 
our own self the ,universe6 ,in some    
mysterious manner we become in sympathy 
with all things in the bond of ,his     
making4  ,are these things worth nothing
 whatever1 that the majority of people  
should be content to spend their lives  
looking for five-pound notes and even   

shillings--and this not only the poor1  
but the rich more so8 ,i am far more at 
a loss to understand my fellow-men than 
,i am to understand ,god4 ,we have need 
of the shillings1 but of other and more 
lovely things besides1 which cost no    
money and may be had by the poorest4 ,it
 is rapidly becoming the only sorrow of 
my life that people do not all come to  
share this ,life in which ,i live4 ,how 
that parable knocks at the heart1 ,go   
out into the highways and the hedges and
 compel them to come in6 ,to know all   
this fullness of life and not to be able
 to bring even my nearest and dearest   
into it3 what a terrible mystery is     
this6--it is an agony4 ,now1 in this    
agony ,i share the ,agony of ,jesus4    
,this is a part of the ,cross1 and only 
the ,father can make it straight4 ,i see
 ,heaven held out1 and refused2 love    
held out1 and refused2 perfection shown1
 and killed upon a cross4 ,what is the  
crucifix but that most awful of all     
things--the ,grief of ,god made         

,visible8 ,perfect ,love submitting     
itself to the vile freewill of man and  
dying of wounds6 ,my ,god6 my ,god6 and 
did ,i ever have a hand in such a thing8
 ,i did4  99 99 99  ,what is it that    
seems more than any other thing whatever
 to throw us at last into the arms of   
,god8 ,suffering4 ,and this not because 
it is ,his will 7for how much rather    
would ,he have us turn to ,him in our   
joy and prosperity71 but rather that it 
is our will1 that in our earthly joys   
and prosperities we turn away from ,him1
 and only seek ,his consolations when we
 see the failure of our health or       
happiness4 ,and having by ,his mercy and
 forgiveness found ,him1 we too often   
and too easily think to glorify         
ourselves and name each other saints6   
,did ,jesus call us saints8 ,these      
glorifications mankind would appear to  
bestow upon itself4 ,he spoke of ,his   
flock1 and of those who through ,him    
should have life eternal1 and of those  
who1 because of the road they take1 have

 their joys in this world only4  99 99  
99  ,when ,i was being taught to pray   
for national things and for other       
persons1 and found these prayers        
answered1 ,i was inclined to be afraid2 
thinking1 ,what am ,i that ,i should    
dare to petition the ,most ,high8 ,but  
,he showed it me so1 which1 as in       
everything1 is for all of us3 ,it is but
 a cloud which reflects the glories of  
the promise of ,my rainbow2 so can the  
dust1 such as thyself1 reflect yet other
 fashions of ,my will and glory4 ,there 
is no presumption in the cloud that it  
should glow with ,my power2 neither is  
there presumption in thy dust that it   
should be ,my vehicle4 ,both the cloud  
and thy dust are ,mine4  99 99 99  ,as  
we progress in this new way of living we
 find an increasing difficulty in       
maintaining petition2 for on commencing 
to petition we will almost invariably be
 instantly lifted up to such a state of 
adoration that the whole soul is nothing
 but a burning song1 a thing of living  

worship4 ,at first ,i was inclined to   
blame myself1 but now ,i know that it is
 acceptable for us to pass from         
petitioning 7no matter who or what for7 
to high adoration1 even though it is a  
great personal indulgence 7and the      
petitioning is a hard task7--an         
indulgence so extreme that ,i cannot    
call to my mind anything in any         
experience or time of my life1 excepting
 actual raptures1 which could1 or can1  
in any way compare or be named in the   
same breath with this most marvellous   
joy2 for out of this joy of adoration   
flows the ,song of the ,soul4  ,and all 
these previous years of my life ,i have 
lived with the greater part of me dead1 
and most persons the same6 ,the more ,i 
think of it1 the more amazed ,i am at   
our folly--working and fretting1 and    
striving and looking for every kind of  
thing except the one thing1 beautiful1  
needful1 and living1 which is the       
finding of the personal connection      
between ourselves and ,god and the      

,waters of ,life4  ,looking to my own   
experiences1 ,i see clearly how ,i never
 could have found without the most      
powerful and incessant assistance4 ,we  
are1 then1 never alone4 ,but first we   
must have the will to seek these waters4
 ,this is the secret of the whole       
matter4 ,he can turn the vilest into a  
pure lover--if the vilest be willing to 
have the miracle performed on him6 ,this
 is the grace of ,god1 and what does it 
cost ,him to pour out this mighty power 
through us8 ,for everything has its     
price4 ,my ,lord6 my ,lord6 we are not  
worthy of it all4  ,this ,i notice1 that
 when ,he removes this grace1 very      
shortly the mind goes back to a false1  
uneven1 inharmonious state2 so we become
 like an instrument all out of tune1 and
 are caused indescribable sufferings1   
like a musician whose ears and nerves   
are tortured by false notes1 whilst his 
unmusical neighbours feel no pain6 ,the 
musician pays a price for the privilege 
of his great gift2 so the lover of      

,christ4  ,again1 there is a price to   
pay for the immeasurable joy of prayer1 
for prayers are not always sweet nor    
life-giving4 ,the prayers to ,christ are
 always a refreshment1 but prayers to   
the ,father may suddenly be turned      
without any previous thought or private 
intention into a most awful grief for   
the abominations of the whole world of  
us1 a terrible wordless burnt-sacrifice 
of the soul1 of unspeakable anguish4    
,and high petitioning is a fearful and  
profound strain upon the soul and the   
whole creature4  99 99 99  ,we say that 
we have need of the purification and    
conversion of the soul2 but rather it is
 first the conversion of the heart1     
mind1 and will that we have need of4    
,for this would feel to be the drama of 
our life--the human heart1 intelligence1
 and will are the ego of the creature4  
,our soul is the visitor within this    
creature1 containing within herself a   
pure1 holy1 and incorruptible sparkle of
 the ,divine1 and lies choked and       

atrophied in her human house until      
revived and awakened by her holy lover2 
and this awakening is not given to her  
till the heart and mind of her human    
house 7or the will and spirit of the    
creature7 is in a state of regeneration1
 or condition to go forward towards     
,god4 ,which is to say1 the creature has
 been touched by repentance and a desire
 for the pure and the holy4 ,for if the 
soul should be awakened to an           
unrepentant creature1 this ,will and    
imperishable worm of the creature 7which
 is of greater coarseness and lustiness 
than the delicate and fragile soul7 will
 overcome the soul2 and this is not the 
goal1 neither is the death of the       
creature the goal1 but the lifting up of
 the creature into the ,divine--this is 
the goal4  ,after being awakened1 then1 
in her human house1 the soul finds      
herself locked in with two most         
treacherous and soiled companions--the  
human heart and mind2 and so great is   
her loathing and her distress1 that for 

shame's sake these two are constrained  
to improve themselves4 ,but their       
progress is slow1 and now comes a long  
and painful time of alternation between 
two states4 ,at one time the soul will  
conquer the creature1 imposing upon it a
 sovereign beauty of holiness2 and at   
another the creature will conquer the   
soul1 imposing upon her its hideous     
designs and desires1 and causing her    
many sicknesses4 ,hence we have the     
warring which we feel within ourselves1 
for the soul now desires her home and   
the creature its appetites4  ,until this
 awakening of the soul takes place1 we  
mistake in thinking that we either live 
with our soul1 or know our soul1 or feel
 with our soul4 ,she does but stir      
within us from time to time1 awaking    
strange echoes that we do not           
comprehend2 and we live with the mind   
and the heart and the body only--which  
is to say1 we live as the creature2 and 
this is why on the complete awakening of
 the soul we feel in the creature an    

immense and altogether indescribable    
enhancement of life and of all our      
faculties1 so that in great amazement we
 say1 ,i have never lived until this    
day4 ,when first the will of the        
creature is wholly submitted to the     
lovely guidance of the divine part of   
the soul1 then first we know the        
ineffable joys of the world of free     
spirit4 ,for to live with the mind and  
the body is to be in a state of         
existence in nature4 ,but to live with  
the soul is to live above nature1 in the
 immeasurable freedom and intensity of  
the spirit4 ,and this is the tremendous 
task of the soul--that she help to      
redeem the heart and mind from their    
vileness of the creature and so lift the
 human upwards with herself to the      
,divine from whence she came4 ,this1    
then1 is the transmutation or evolution 
by divine means of the human into the   
divine2 and for this we need to seek    
repentance or change of heart and mind1 
which is the will of the creature       

turning itself towards the beauties of  
the spirit1 that ,christ may awaken in  
us the glories of that sleeping soul    
which is ,his bride4  ,when the soul is 
fully revived we can know it by this1   
that we are not able any longer to      
content ourselves with anything nor     
anyone save ,god4 ,neither are we able  
to love any save ,god1 for all human    
desires and loves mysteriously ascend   
and are merged into the ,divine4 ,so1   
though we love our friend1 we love him  
in ,god1 and in every man perceive but  
another lover for the ,beloved4  99 99  
99  ,to love ,god might commence to be  
expressed as being a great quiet1 an    
intense activity1 a prodigious joy1 and 
the poignant knowledge of the immensity 
of an amazing new life shared4  ,the    
contemplation of ,god might be expressed
 as the folding up or complete          
forgetfulness of all earthly and bodily 
things1 desires1 and attractions1 and   
the raising of the heart and mind and   
the centring of them in great and joyful

 intensity upon ,god1 by means of love4 
,of this contemplation of ,god ,i find  
two principal forms3 the passive and the
 active4 ,in the first we are in a state
 of steady1 quiet1 and loving perception
 and reception1 and at some farness2 in 
this we are able to remain for hours1   
entering this state when waking at dawn 
and remaining in it till rising4  ,in   
active contemplation we are in rapturous
 and passionate adoration with great    
nearness1 and are not able to remain in 
it long because of bodily weakness4 ,the
 soul feels to be never tired by the    
longest flight1 but must return because 
of the exhaustion of the forlorn and    
wretched creature1 which creature is    
complete in itself1 having its body1 of 
which1 being able to touch it1 we say1  
,it is my body1 and its heart and mind  
with intelligence1 of which we are wont 
to think1 ,this is myself2 yet it is but
 a part1 for the intelligence of our    
creature is by no means the intelligence
 of the divine soul1 but a far lesser   

light3 for with the intelligence of the 
divine soul we reach out to ,god and    
attain ,him1 but with the intelligence  
of the creature we reach towards ,him   
but do not attain1 for with it we are   
unable to penetrate the veil4           
,therefore1 who would know the joys of  
contemplation must come to them by love1
 for love is the only means by which the
 creature can attain4 ,the soul attains 
,god as her birthright1 but the creature
 by adoption and redemption1 and this   
through love4 ,by love the creature dies
 and is reborn into the spirit4  99 99  
99  ,the word poverty1 as used to       
express a necessary condition of our    
coming to ,god1 is a most misleading    
term4 ,for how can any condition be     
rightly named poverty which brings us   
into the riches of ,god8 ,rather let us 
use the words singleness of heart1 or   
simplicity3 which is to say1 we put out 
all other interests save those pleasing 
to ,god 7to commence with71 and         
afterwards we reach the condition in    

which we have no interests but in ,god  
,himself--the heart and mind and will of
 the creature becoming wholly ,god's1   
and ,god filling them4 ,how can we say1 
then1 that it is poverty to be filled   
with ,god6 ,rather is it rightly        
expressed as being a heart fixed in     
singleness upon ,god1 through drastic   
simplification of interests3 the which  
is no poverty1 but the wealth of all the
 ,universe4  99 99 99  ,some of us seem 
open to suggestion1 others to the       
steadier effects of personal influence4 
,i never came under the personal        
influence of another except once1 when  
,i came under the influence of the being
 ,i loved most--my brother4 ,at ten he  
saved my life from drowning1 and at     
eighteen his influence and total lack of
 faith in ,god1 coupled with the        
searchings and probings of my own       
intelligence1 took me away from ,god1 in
 whom ,i had previously had a           
comfortable faith4 ,at seventeen ,i     
began to lap up the hardest scientific  

books as a cat laps milk4 ,i said to    
myself1 ,i must find truth1 ,i must find
 out what everything really is2 but ,i  
could not reconcile science with ,church
 teaching4 ,i was not able to adjust the
 truths of science--which were          
demonstrable to both senses and         
intelligence--with the unprovable dogmas
 set forth by the ,church as necessary  
to salvation4 ,i slowly and surely lost 
what faith ,i had1 and hung a withered  
heart upon the pitiless and nameless    
bosom of the ,cosmos4 ,inward life      
became for me a horrible emptiness      
without hope4 ,surrounded with gaieties 
and the innumerable social successes of 
youth1 ,i found that neither science nor
 society could satisfy my soul1 or that 
something living within me which knew a 
terrible necessity for ,god4 ,for two   
long and dreadful years ,i fought       
secretly and desperately to regain this 
lost belief1 and when at last ,i        
succeeded there remained a monstrous and
 impenetrable wall between myself and   

,god4 ,but by comparison with the       
horrors of past loneliness it was heaven
 to me to feel ,him there1 even behind  
that wall4 7,now that ,i have found ,him
 by love1 ,i am able to return to       
science as to a most exquisite unrolling
 of the majesty of ,his truths and      
powers and laws1 and am brought nearer  
and nearer to ,him the more ,i learn of 
science47 ,outside the wall ,i remained 
for more than twenty years1 seeking and 
searching for an opening in that mighty 
barrier4  ,and after more than twenty   
years ,i found the ,door--and it was    
,jesus ,christ4  99 99 99  ,lately ,i   
have seen the word contemplation used as
 expressing the heights of attainment in
 ,god-consciousness of men1 and ,i find 
it inadequate4 ,from the age of         
seventeen ,i fell into the habit of     
contemplation1 not of ,god1 but of      
,nature3 which is to say1 ,i would first
 place myself1 sitting1 in such a       
position that my body would not fall and
 ,i might completely forget it1 and then

 would look about me and drink in the   
beauty of the scene1 my eyes coming     
finally to rest upon the spot most      
beautiful to me4 ,there they remained   
fixed4 ,all thoughts were now folded up 
so that my mind1 flowing singly in one  
direction1 concentrated itself upon the 
beauty on which ,i gazed4 ,this soon    
vanished1 and ,i saw nothing whatever1  
but1 bearing away into a place of       
complete silence and emptiness1 ,i there
 assimilated and enjoyed inwardly the   
soaring essence of the beauty which ,i  
had previously drawn into my mind       
through my eyes1 being now no longer    
conscious of seeing outwardly1 but      
living entirely from the inward4 ,this  
,i did almost every day1 but to do it ,i
 was obliged to seek solitude1 and      
absolute solitude is a hard thing to    
find2 but ,i sought it1 no matter where1
 even in a churchyard6 ,i saw no graves4
 ,i saw the sky1 or a marvellous cloud  
pink with the kisses of the sun1 and    
away ,i went4 ,i judge this now to have 

been contemplation1 though ,i never     
thought of it by so fine-sounding a     
name2 it was only my delightful pastime1
 yet there was a strange inexpressible  
sadness in it4 ,nature and beauty were  
not enough4 ,the more beauty ,i saw1 the
 more ,i longed for something to which  
,i could not put a name4 ,at times the  
ache of this pain became terrible1      
almost agonising1 but ,i could not forgo
 my pastime4 ,now1 at last1 ,i know what
 this pain was3 my soul looked for ,god1
 but my creature did not know it4 ,for  
just in this same way we contemplate    
,god1 savouring ,him without seeing     
,him1 and being filled to the brim with 
marvellous delights with no sadness4    
,but this condition of contemplation is 
very far from being the mountain-top2 it
 is but a high plateau from which we    
make the final ascent4 ,the summit is an
 indescribable contact1 and this summit 
is not one summit but many summits4     
,which is to say1 we have contact of    
several separate forms--that of giving1 

that of receiving1 and that of immersion
 or absorption1 which at its highest is 
altogether unendurable as fire4  ,of    
this last ,i am able only to say this3  
that not only is it inexpressible by any
 words1 but that that which is a state  
of extreme beatitude to the soul is     
death to the creature by excess of joy4 
,therefore both heart and mind fear to  
recall any details of the memory of this
 highest attainment4 ,i knew it but     
once4 ,to know it again would be the    
death of my body4 ,for more than two    
hours 7as well as ,i am able to judge7  
before coming to this highest           
experience1 my soul travelled through   
what felt to be an ocean1 for she rose  
and fell upon billows in a state of     
infinite bliss4  ,of other forms of     
contact we have a swift1 unexpected1    
even unsought-for attainment1 which is  
entirely of ,his volition2 that sudden  
condescension to the soul1 in which in  
unspeakable rapture she is caught up to 
her holy lover4  ,these are the topmost 

heights which the creature dare recall1 
though to the soul they remain in memory
 as life itself4 ,the variations of     
these forms of contact are infinite1 for
 ,god would seem to will to be both     
eternal changelessness and variation in 
infinitude4  ,because of this1 and the  
marvellous depths and heights and       
breadths of life revealed to her1 the   
soul is able to conceive of an eternity 
of bliss1 for monotony ceases to be joy4
 ,in ,nature we see that no two trees in
 a forest are alike1 and two fruits     
gathered from one bough have not the    
same flavour4  ,but to my feeling all   
degrees of attainment are only to be    
distinguished as varying degrees of     
union1 the joy of which is of a form and
 a degree of intensity and purity which 
can enter neither the heart nor the mind
 to imagine1 but must be experienced to 
be understood1 and when experienced     
remains in part incomprehensible4 ,it is
 not to be obtained by force of the     
will1 neither can it be obtained without

 the will4 ,it is1 then1 a mystery of   
two wills in unison1 in which our will  
is temporarily fused into and consumed  
by the will of ,god and is in transports
 of felicity over its own annihilation6 
,this is outside reason and therefore   
incomprehensible to the creature1 but   
comprehensible to the soul1 and becomes 
the aim and object of our life to attain
 in permanence1 and is the uttermost    
limit of all conceivable rapture4  ,when
 ,i first knew union and contact upon   
the hill ,i had the impression of a very
 great light outside of me4 ,i never    
again had an outward impression of it4  
,but when any sense of inward light is  
felt ,i consider it to be a high ecstasy
 and hard for the body4 ,it is the sweet
 and gentle touchings of ,christ which  
are the great and unspeakable comfort of
 both soul and body4 ,inward heat ,i    
never felt till many months after my    
third conversion and more than four     
years from my first conversion4 ,this   
extraordinary sensation1 which to my    

mind is like a magnetic seething with   
heat and ravishment of joy1 ,i felt     
inwardly only after ,i had learnt to    
know a sudden1 secret1 joyous delight of
 love in the soul1 which is easiest     
described as sweetness of love1 is from 
the ,christ1 and very frequently given  
by ,him4 ,and some six months after the 
heat1 fire1 electric seething1 or       
however best it may be named1 ,i first  
knew the song of the soul4 ,now1        
although it is better not to dwell upon 
the memory of past spiritual joys1 lest 
we become greedy1 and equally wise not  
to dwell upon the memory of anguishes1  
lest we fall into self-pity1 which of   
all emotions is the most sickly and     
useless 7and our wisest is to live only 
from hour to hour with all the sweetness
 that we can1 leaving to ,him the       
choosing of our daily bread1 whether it 
be high joy or pain71 still ,i confess  
that ,i have thought over and compared  
these joys sufficiently to know very    
well which ,i love the best4 ,heat of   

love is very wonderful1 and sweetness is
 very lovely1 and raptures and ecstasies
 are outside words2 but most beautiful  
of all is the song of the soul1 and this
 is when--in highest adoration--passing 
beyond heat1 and further than sweetness1
 the soul goes up alone upon the highest
 summit of love1 and there like a bird  
pours out the rapturous and golden      
passion of her love4 ,and ,his ,spirit1 
biding very near1 never touches her2 for
 if ,he touch1 it is at once an ecstasy1
 and because of the stress of this she  
would have neither words nor song with  
which to rejoice ,him4  ,oh1 the pure   
happiness of the soul in this wonderful 
song6  ,truly ,i think it is greater    
than in the rapture or the ecstasy1     
because in these the soul receives1 but 
in the song1 mounting right up to ,him1 
she gives4 ,and now at last we know the 
fuller meaning of ,christ's words where 
,he says3 ,it is more blessed to give   
than to receive4  ,beloved1 ,thou takest
 the creature and liftest it up2 ,thou  

takest the creature and liftest it high1
 so that nevermore can it offend ,thee1 
and the soul is free to sing of her     
love4 ,then is it ,thy will that the    
creature should love ,thee8 ,or is it   
,thy will that the soul should adore8   
,beloved1 ,i know not whether with my   
heart and mind ,i most adore ,thee1 or  
whether with my soul ,i love ,thee more4
 ,and where is that secret              
trysting-place of love8 ,i do not know2 
for whilst ,i go there and whilst ,i    
return ,i am blind1 and whilst ,i am    
there ,i am blinded by ,love ,himself4  
,o wondrous trysting-place ,i which is  
indeed the only trysting-place of all   
the world worthy to be named4  ,for     
every other love on earth is but a poor1
 pale counterfeit of love--a wan        
,ophelia1 wandering with a garland of   
sad perished flowers to crown the dust4 
99 99 99  ,as the loving creature       
progresses he will find himself ceasing 
to live in things1 or thoughts of things
 or of persons1 but his whole mind and  

heart will be concentrated upon the     
thought of ,god alone4 ,now ,jesus1 now 
the ,high ,christ1 now the ,father1 but 
never away from one of the aspects or   
personalities of ,god1 though his       
conditions of nearness will vary4 ,for  
at times he will be in a condition of   
great nearness1 at times in a condition 
of some farness1 or1 more properly      
speaking1 of obscurity4 ,he will be in a
 condition of waiting 7this exceedingly 
frequent1 the most frequent of all72 a  
condition of amazing happiness2 a       
condition of pain1 of desolation at     
being still upon the earth instead of   
with ,god4 ,he will be in a condition of
 giving love to ,god1 or a condition of 
receiving love1 of remembrance and      
attention4 ,he will be in a condition of
 immeasurable glamour1 an extraordinary 
illumination of every faculty1 not by   
any act of his own1 but poured through  
him until he is filled with the elixir  
of some new form of life1 and feels     
himself before these experiences never  

to have lived--he but existed as a part 
of ,nature4 ,but now1 although he is    
become more united to ,nature than ever 
before1 he also is mysteriously drawn   
apart from her1 without being in any way
 presumptuous1 he feels to be above her1
 not by any merits but by intention of  
,another4 ,he is become lifted up into  
the spirit and essence of ,nature1 and  
the heavy and more obvious parts of her 
bind him no more4 ,he is in a condition 
of freedom1 he is frequently in a       
condition of great splendour1 and is    
wrapped perpetually round about with    
that most glorious                      
mantle--,god-consciousness4  ,these are 
man's right and proper conditions4      
,these are the lovely will of ,god for  
us4 ,and too many of us have the will to
 go contrary to ,him4 ,oh1 the tragedy  
of it6 ,if the whole world of men and   
women could be gathered and lifted into 
this garden of love6 ,persuaded to rise 
from lesser loves into the bosom of ,his
 mighty ,love6  ,for the truly loving   

soul here on earth there are no longer  
heavens1 nor conditions of heavens1 nor 
grades1 nor crowns1 nor angels1 nor     
archangels1 nor saints1 nor holy        
spirits2 but1 going out and up and on1  
we reach at last ,,the ,,one1 and for   
marvellous unspeakably glorious moments 
,,know ,,him4  ,this is life3 to be in  
,him and ,he in us1 and know it4  99 99 
99  ,these beautiful flights of the soul
 cannot be taken through idleness1      
though they are taken in what would     
outwardly appear to be a great          
stillness4 ,this stillness is but the   
necessary abstraction from physical     
activity1 even from physical            
consciousness2 but inwardly the spirit  
is in a great activity1 a very ferment  
of secret work4 ,this1 to the writer1 is
 frequently produced by the beautiful in
 ,nature1 the spirit involuntarily      
passing at sight of beauty into a       
passionate admiration for the ,maker of 
it4 ,this high1 pure emotion1 which is  
also an intense activity of the spirit1 

would seem so to etherealise the        
creature that instantly the delicate    
soul is able to escape her loosened     
bonds and flies towards her home1 filled
 with ineffable1 incomparable delight1  
praising1 singing1 and joying in her    
,lord and ,god until the body can endure
 no more1 and swiftly she must return to
 bondage in it4 ,but the most wonderful 
flights of the soul are made during a   
high adoring contemplation of ,god4 ,we 
are in high contemplation when the      
heart1 mind1 and soul1 having dropped   
consciousness of all earthly matters1   
have been brought to a full             
concentration upon ,god--,god totally   
invisible1 totally unimaged1 and yet    
focussed to a centre-point by the great 
power of love4 ,the soul1 whilst she is 
able to maintain this most difficult    
height of contemplation1 may be visited 
by an intensely vivid perception1 inward
 vision1 and knowledge of ,god's        
attributes or perfections1 very brief2  
and this as a gift1 for she is not able 

to will such a felicity to herself1 but 
being given such she is instantly       
consumed with adoration1 and enters     
ecstasy4  ,having achieved these degrees
 of progress1 the heart and mind will   
say3 ,now ,i may surely repose1 for ,i  
have attained6 ,and so we may repose1   
but not in idleness1 which is to say1   
not without abundance of prayer4 ,for   
only by prayer is our condition         
maintained and renewed2 but without     
prayer1 by which ,i mean an incessant   
inward communion1 quickly our condition 
changes and wears away4 ,no matter to   
what degree of love we have attained1 we
 need to pray for more2 without         
persistent but short prayer for faith   
and love we might fall back into strange
 woeful periods of cold obscurity4  ,to 
the accomplished lover great and        
wonderful is prayer2 the more completely
 the mind and heart are lifted up in it1
 the slower the wording4 ,the greater   
the prayer1 the shorter in words1 though
 the longer the saying of it1 for each  

syllable will needs be held up upon the 
soul before ,god1 slowly and1 as it     
were1 in a casket of fire1 and with     
marvellous joy4 ,and there are prayers  
without words1 and others without even  
thoughts1 in which the soul in a great  
stillness passes up like an incense to  
the ,most ,high4 ,this is very pure1    
great love2 wonderful1 high bliss4  99  
99 99  ,in the earlier stages of        
progress1 when the heart and mind suffer
 from frequent inconstancy1 loss of     
warmth1 even total losses of love1 set  
the heart and mind to recall to         
themselves by reading or thinking some  
favourite aspect of their ,lord ,jesus  
,christ4 ,it may be ,his gentleness1 or 
,his marvellous forgiveness1 as to      
,peter when ,he turned and looked at him
 after the denial2 for so ,he turns and 
looks upon ourselves4 ,or it may be ,his
 sweetness that most draws us4 ,but let 
us fasten the heart and mind upon       
whichever it may be1 and in the warmth  
of admiration love will return to us4   

99 99 99  ,the mode of entrance into    
active contemplation ,i would try to    
convey in this way4 ,the body must be   
placed either sitting or kneeling1 and  
supported1 or flat on the back as though
 dead4 ,now the mind must commence to   
fold itself1 closing forwards as an open
 rose might close her petals to a bud   
again1 for every thought and image must 
be laid away and nothing left but a     
great forward-moving love intention4    
,out glides the mind all smooth and     
swift1 and plunges deep1 then takes an  
upward curve and up and on till         
willingly it faints1 the creature dies1 
and consciousness is taken over by the  
soul1 which1 quickly coming to the      
trysting-place1 spreads herself and     
there awaits the revelations of her     
,god4 ,to my feeling this final complete
 passing over of consciousness from the 
mind to the soul is by act and will of  
,god only1 and cannot be performed by   
will of the creature1 and is the        
fundamental difference between the      

contemplation of ,nature and the        
contemplation of ,god4 ,the creature    
worships1 but the soul alone knows      
contact4 ,and yet the mode of           
contemplation is a far simpler thing    
than all these words--it is the very    
essence of simplicity itself2 and in    
this sublime adventure we are really    
conscious of no mode nor plan nor       
flight1 nought but the mighty need of   
spirit to ,spirit and love to ,love4  99
 99 99  ,the picking out and choosing of
 certain persons1 and the naming of them
 elect and chosen souls1 when ,i first  
read of it1 filled me with such a       
sinking that ,i tried1 when coming upon 
the words1 not to admit the meaning of  
them into myself2 for that some should  
be chosen and some not ,i felt to be    
favouritism1 and could not understand or
 see the justice of it4 ,i never ask    
questions4 ,he left me in this condition
 for eighteen months4 ,then ,he led me  
to an explanation sufficient for me4    
,the way ,he showed it me was not by    

comparisons with great things--angels   
and saints and holy persons2 but by that
 humble creature1 man's friend1 the dog1
 ,he showed me the elect creature4 ,it  
was this way4  ,one evening as ,i passed
 through the city ,i had one of those   
sudden strong impulses 7by which ,he    
guides us7 to go to a certain and       
particular cinematograph exhibition4 ,i 
was very tired1 and tried to put away   
the thought1 but it pressed in the way  
that ,i know1 and ,i knew it better to  
go4 ,i sat for an hour seeing things    
that had no interest for me1 and        
wondering why ,i should have had to     
come1 when at last a film was shown of  
war-dogs in training--dogs trained      
especially to assist men and to carry   
their messages4  ,these dogs were       
especially selected1 not for their charm
 of outward appearance1 but for their   
inward capacities2 not for an especial  
love of the dog 7or favouritism71 but   
for that which they were willing to     
learn how to do4 ,the qualifications for

 7s7election were willingness1          
obedience1 fidelity1 endurance4 ,once   
chosen they were set apart4 ,then       
commenced the training1 and we were     
shown how man put his will through the  
dog3 he was able to do this only because
 of the willingness of the dog4 ,the    
purport of the training was to carry a  
message for his master wherever his     
master willed4 ,he must go instantly and
 at full speed2 he must leap any        
obstacle2 he must turn away from his own
 kind if they should entice him to      
linger on the way2 he must subdue all   
his natural desires and instincts       
entirely to his master's desires2 he    
must be indifferent to danger4 ,and to  
secure this he was fired over by numbers
 of men1 difficulties were set for him1 
and he was distracted from his straight 
course by a number of tests4 ,yet we saw
 the brave and faithful creatures       
running on their way at their fullest   
speed until1 exhausted and breathless   
but filled with joy of love and         

willingness1 they reached the journey's 
end1 to be caressed and cared for beyond
 other dogs until the next occasion     
should arise4 ,then we were shown the   
dog in his fully-trained condition4 ,his
 master could now always rely upon him4 
,a dog always ready1 always faithful and
 self-forgetful1 was then set apart into
 a still smaller and more 7s7elect group
 and surrounded with most especial care 
and love4 ,never would it want for      
anything4 ,in this there was justice4   
,forsaking all their natural ways1 these
 dogs had submitted themselves wholly1  
in loving willingness1 to their master's
 will1 and he in return would lavish all
 his best on them4 ,it was but just4    
,oh1 how my heart leaped over it6 ,at   
last ,i understood--for as the dog1 so  
the human creature4 ,we become chosen   
souls1 not for our own sakes 7which had 
always seemed to me such favouritism71  
but for our willingness to learn our    
,master's ,will4 ,and what is ,his will 
and what is ,his work8 ,of many1 many   

kinds1 and this is shown to the soul in 
her training4 ,but the hardest to learn 
is not that of the worker1 but of the   
messenger and lover4 ,as the messenger1 
to take ,his messages1 in whatever      
direction1 instantly and correctly1 and 
to take back the answer from man to     
,himself--which is to say1 to hold      
before ,him the needs of man on the fire
 of the soul1 known to most persons     
under the name of prayer4 ,and as the   
lover1 to sing to ,him with             
never-failing joyful love and thanks4   
,but the learning and work of the soul  
is not so simple as that of the dog1 who
 carries the message in writing upon his
 collar4 ,the soul can have no written  
paper to assist her1 and long and       
painful is her training2 and exquisitely
 sweet it is when1 having swiftly and   
accurately taken the message1 she waits 
before ,him for the rapture of those    
caresses that she knows so well4  ,how  
,i was spurred6 ,for ,i said1 ,shall    
dogs outdo us in love and devotion8     

,only in a condition of total           
submission1 self-forgetfulness1         
self-abnegation1 can the soul either    
receive or deliver her message4 ,in this
 way she is justified of the joys of her
 election4 ,the dog1 faithful in all    
ways to his master1 receives in return  
all praise and all meats1 whatever he   
desires4 ,the faithful soul also        
receives all praise and all meats1 both 
spiritual and carnal1 for nothing of    
earthly needs will lack her if she asks2
 and without asking1 her needs are      
mysteriously and completely given her4  
,her spiritual meats are1 in this world1
 peace1 joy1 ecstasy1 rapture2 and of   
the world to come it is written that eye
 hath not seen1 nor ear heard1 neither  
have entered into the heart of man1 the 
things that ,god has prepared for them  
that love ,him4  ,it might be supposed  
that only persons filled with public    
charities and social improvements1      
ardent and painstaking church workers1  
might most surely and easily learn to be

 messengers4 ,but all these persons     
pursue and follow their own line of     
thought1 the promptings of their own    
minds and hearts4 ,they are admirable   
workers1 but not messengers4 ,for the   
hound of ,god must have in his heart no 
plan of his own4 ,it is hard for the    
heart to say1 ,i have no wishes of my   
own2 ,i have no interests1 no plans1 no 
ambitions1 no schemes1 no desires1 no   
loves1 no will4 ,thy will is my will4   
,thy desire is my desire4 ,thy love is  
my all4 ,i am empty of all things1 that 
,i may be a channel for the stream of   
,thy will4  ,with what patience1 what   
tenderness1 what inexpressible          
endearments ,he helps the soul1 training
 her by love6--which is not to say that 
she is trained without much suffering of
 the creature4 ,so we are trained by two
 opposite ways--by suffering and by     
joys2 and the whole under an attitude of
 passionate and devoted attention on our
 part4 ,the sufferings of the soul      
baffle all description with their       

strange intensities4  ,our              
encouragements are great and            
extraordinary sweetnesses1 urgings1 and 
joyful uplifting of the spirit4 ,so that
 when we would stop1 we are pressed     
forward2 when we are exhausted1 we are  
filled with the wine of sweetness2 when 
we are in tears1 we are embraced into   
the ,holy ,spirit4  99 99 99  ,sin and  
ill are the false notes struck by man   
across the harmony of ,god's will1 and  
to strike upon or even remember such    
notes is instant banishment from the    
music of ,his presence4 ,where all is   
joy1 there joy is all2 and he who has   
not reached this joy does not know      
,god--he is still a follower1 and not a 
possessor1 and he should refuse in his  
heart to remain satisfied with his      
condition1 but climb on4 ,why stay      
behind8 ,climb on1 climb on6  ,how often
 ,i have been mystified and disturbed by
 the attitude of many religious and     
pious people1 that to follow ,christ is 
a way of gloom1 of sadness1 of          

heaviness6 ,how often have ,i gathered  
from sermons that we are to give up all 
bright and enticing things if we would  
follow ,him1 and the preacher goes no   
further6 ,has the ,lord1 then1 no       
enticements1 no sweetnesses1 no         
brightness to offer us1 that we should  
be asked to forsake all pleasantnesses1 
all brightness1 all attractions if we   
follow ,him8 ,this to me always seemed  
terrible1 and my heart would sink4      
,indeed1 to my poor mind and heart it   
seemed nothing more hopeful than a going
 from bad to worse6  ,all the pictures  
,i have seen1 either of the ,crucifixion
 or the ,way of the ,cross 7and         
especially those of more recent times   
and painting71 portray ,his ,blessed    
,face all worn with gloom2 and ,i know  
now that this is far from the truth4    
,for perfect love knows agony1 but no   
gloom4 ,he went through all ,his agony1 
lifted high above gloom1 in a great     
ecstasy of love for us4  ,to speak of   
sacrifice in connection with following  

,him is1 to my mind1 the work of a very 
foolish person and one in danger of     
being blasphemous4 ,for how dare we say 
that it is a sacrifice when1 by the     
putting away of foolish desires1 we find
 ,god6 ,and to find ,god1 through the   
following of ,jesus ,christ1 is to gain 
so much 7even in this world1 and without
 waiting for the next7 that those who   
gain it never cease to be amazed at the 
vastness of it4  ,we find this to be an 
absolute truth1 that if we have not ,him
 we have1 and are1 nothing1 in          
comparison with that which we are and   
that which we have when we have ,him4   
,in my earlier stages ,i was greatly set
 back and disturbed by this gloom and   
sacrifice 7which is no sacrifice7 of    
myself so put forward by pulpit         
teaching4 ,it was a great hindrance to  
me and blinded me to the truth4 ,i was  
only a normal1 ordinary creature1 and   
they thrust a great burden into my arms4
  ,little by little1 as ,i was able to  
learn directly from ,his own heart1 ,i  

came to know ,him as ,he is2 and ,i     
could not reconcile this knowledge of   
,himself which ,he gave me1 especially  
of ,his high willingness and serenity1  
with pulpit teachings of heavy gloom4   
,the ,church too frequently spoke to me 
of following ,him in terms which        
conveyed a burden3 ,pick up thy cross1  
pick up thy cross6 they cried2 and ,he  
spoke to me in terms which conveyed a   
great joy3 ,come to ,me1 come to ,me1   
for ,i love thee6  ,i thought ,i was    
very cowardly and sinned by this        
inability to like the gloomy burden1 and
 one day ,i came upon this out of       
,jeremiah3 ,as for the prophet1 or the  
priest1 or the people1 that shall say1  
,the burden of the ,lord1 ,i will punish
 that man and his house 4 4 4 because ye
 say1 ,the burden of the ,lord1 ,i will 
utterly forget you and forsake you1 and 
cast you out of ,my presence4  ,these   
words of ,jesus1 ,take up thy cross and 
follow ,me3 whoever will do it will be  
shown by ,jesus that the cross of       

following ,him is no burden1 but a      
deliverance1 a finding of life1 the way 
of escape1 a great joy1 and a garland of
 love4  ,the world thinks of joyousness 
as being laughter1 cackling1 and much   
silly noise2 and to such ,i do not      
speak4 ,but the ,christ's joyousness is 
of a high1 still1 marvellous1 and       
ineffable completeness--beyond all      
words2 and wholly satisfying to heart   
and soul and body and mind4  ,it is     
written1 ,they shall love silver1 and   
not be satisfied with it--for why8 ,only
 those are satisfied who know the gold  
of ,christ4  ,all of which is not to say
 that by following ,him we shall escape 
from happenings and inconveniences and  
sorrows and illnesses common to life2   
but that when these come we are raised  
out of our distress into ,his ineffable 
peace4  ,when the heart is sad1 use this
 sadness in a comprehension of the      
deeper pain of ,jesus1 who was in the   
self-same exile as we ourselves4 ,the   
more the soul is truly awakened and     

touched1 the more she feels herself to  
be in exile2 and this is her cross4     
,but the remedy for her sadness is that 
she should courageously pass out of her 
woes of exile and go up to meet her     
lover with smiles4 ,now1 ,he cannot     
resist this smiling courage and love of 
the soul1 and very quickly ,he must send
 her ,his sweetness1 and her sadness is 
gone4  99 99 99  ,when ,i say that if we
 will take a few steps alone towards    
,christ--which is to say1 if we will    
make some strenuous efforts to cleanse  
ourselves and change our minds and      
ways--,he will take us all the rest of  
the way1 ,i speak from experience4 ,for 
amongst many things this happened to me3
 at a certain stage1 after my third     
conversion on the hill1 ,he caused my   
former thoughts1 desires1 and follies to
 go away from me6 ,it was as though ,he 
had sent a veil between me and such     
thoughts of my heart and mind as might  
not be pleasing to ,him1 so that they   
disappeared from my knowledge and my    

actions6  ,by this marvellous act ,he   
removed my difficulties1 and put me into
 a state of innocence which resembled   
the innocence ,i remember to have had up
 to the age of four or five years4 ,but 
,i find this new innocence far more     
wonderful than that of childhood1 which 
is but the innocence of ignorance4 ,but 
this new innocence--which is a gift of  
,god--is innocence with knowledge4 ,i am
 not able to express the gratitude and  
amazement and wonder that have never    
ceased to fill me about this4 ,such     
things can only be spoken of by the soul
 to her lover1 and then not in words but
 in a silence of tears4  ,what did ,i   
ever do that ,he should show me such    
kindness8 ,i did nothing except this3 ,i
 desired with all the force of my heart 
and soul and mind and body to love ,him4
 ,i said1 ,oh1 if ,i could be the       
warmest1 tenderest lover that ever thou 
didst have6 ,teach me to be ,thy burning
 lover4 ,this was my perpetual prayer4  
,and my idea of ,heaven was and is this1

 that without so much as knowing1 or    
being known or perceived by any save    
,himself1 without even a name1 yet      
retaining my full consciousness of      
individuality1 ,i should be with ,him   
for always4  ,what is this love for     
,god1 and how define it8 ,for myself1 ,i
 never knew it until ,i was filled with 
it upon the hill4 ,many judge it to be a
 following of ,christ and ,his wishes1  
but this is only a part of it and the   
way we begin it1 and often we begin from
 duty1 fear of future punishment1 desire
 for salvation or spiritual             
pre-eminence1 and obedience2 and in none
 of these is there the joy of love4  ,by
 such standards ,i might count myself to
 have loved ,him for twenty years2 but  
know ,i did not4 ,for ten years past ,i 
felt myself to have so great a need of  
,him1 ,i sought ,him so1 that for me    
,heaven contained no re-met former      
earthly loves1 much as ,i loved them    
here4 ,i knew that ,he would be my all4 
,nevertheless1 ,he was not yet my ,love1

 but my ,need4  ,love is a fire1 for we 
feel the great heat of it4  ,love is a  
light1 for we perceive the white glare  
of it4  ,of things known1 to what can we
 compare it8 ,most perhaps to           
electricity1 for here we have both light
 and heat1 and the lightning flash      
strikes that which already contains the 
most of itself 7or electricity74 ,and   
the lightning of ,god's love strikes him
 whose heart contains the most love for 
,himself4 ,and ,he strikes when ,he     
will1 and afterwards visits when ,he    
will2 and ,i do not count myself 7for   
all my earthly loves7 to have so much as
 known the outer edge of the meaning of 
the word love1 till ,he struck me with  
,his own upon that hill4  ,truly1 fair  
and holy love is our warranty1 our only 
pass for entering into ,heaven4  ,brave 
and wilful1 rapturous and insistent1    
love passes with bold yet humble ecstasy
 into the very presence of her ,lord and
 ,god2 and alone1 out of all creation1  
is never denied the ,right of ,way4  99 

99 99  ,i have seen it quoted1 ,turn to 
the heights1 turn to the deeps1 turn    
within1 turn without1 everywhere thou   
shalt find the ,cross4 ,but ,i see it   
so3 ,turn to the heights1 turn to the   
deeps1 turn within1 turn without1       
everywhere thou shalt find ,his ,love4  
,love to help on the way4 ,too much we  
might suppose1 to hear pious people     
talk1 that because of ,christ's way we  
must be miserable and our life an       
endless ,cross6 ,and so life may be a   
cross1 but ,he carries it for us4  ,do  
sinful men never suffer8 ,do the sinful 
escape disease8 and live for ever       
without biting the dust in death or     
disappointment8 ,why1 disease and       
suffering are the very twin-children of 
sin4 ,i am amazed that people can take  
such a view of the ,cross as to think it
 an unhappy1 miserable way4 ,for so     
marvellous is the beauty of such love   
that there is no other so desirable a   
thing upon earth4  ,come1 walk the way  
with ,me1 says the ,beloved2 ,i am all  

serenity1 all peace1 all might1 all     
power1 all love4 ,come1 walk with ,me1  
and forget thy tiny cares in the peace  
of ,my bosom4  99 99 99  ,we do not love
 ,god because we do not yet know ,him4  
,and we do not know ,him because we seek
 only to know and have our own desires3 
and having learnt to know these1 we     
would have our unknown ,god accommodate 
,himself to us and them4  ,but let us   
first seek to know ,god's desires by    
heart1 and then accommodate our own to  
,his3 so shall we learn to be pleasing  
to ,christ1 that ,he may lead us1 whilst
 here1 into ,his ,garden4 ,for to the   
creature that ardently pursues ,god     
there comes at last a time when ,he     
reveals ,himself to the searching soul1 
saying3 ,i ,am ,here4 ,come6 ,then in   
secrecy we arise1--and go to ,him out of
 the ,house of ,vanity into the music of
 the great ,beyond4  ,there is small    
credit or virtue to the soul when1 in a 
state of high grace or nearness1 she    
burns with love for her ,god3 for she is

 under the spell of the enticement of   
,his ,presence--how can she help but    
burn6 ,it is as though two earthly      
lovers1 in full sight and nearness1 are 
filled each for each with great love1   
and are content4  ,but this is a credit 
to the soul and the creature 7as to the 
earthly lovers71 that in separation and 
farness they should seek no other1 but  
continue to dwell with great intentness 
upon the absent love4 ,this is fidelity4
  ,at times it is as if her ,lord said  
to the soul3 ,i have other to do than to
 stay by thee2 and also thou hast had   
more than enough to thy share of ,my    
honey2 and1 so saying1 ,he departs4     
,and this is fidelity of the soul and   
the creature1 and a great virtue1 that1 
without change of face1 without         
complaint or petitioning1 they should   
with all sweetness continue to pour up  
to ,him their unabated love4 ,if any can
 do this1 he is a perfect lover and has 
no more to learn4  ,when the love of the
 soul1 as it were1 exceeds itself1 it   

passes up and beyond even the song of   
love2 and being unable to express itself
 by words or by song1 or by deep        
sighings1 or by any of those subtle1    
silent1 spiritual means known only      
between herself and ,god1 when all means
 fail because of the too great stress of
 her adoration1 then the soul passes    
into a great pain1 which is the anguish 
of love and a hard thing to bear4 ,this 
excess is to the fullness of the        
,godhead4  ,and now the soul must turn  
to prayer for help1 but not to the      
,godhead3 for the more she turns to the 
,godhead the greater becomes her        
anguish4 ,but coming down to ,his       
humanity1 she must beseech sweet ,jesus 
for ,his aid1 and so regain her         
equilibrium4  99 99 99  ,many of us are1
 perhaps unwittingly1 impudent to ,god4 
,in this way we are impudent3 ,we       
question 7even though it be in secret1  
hidden in the heart and not spoken7 the 
justice of ,god1 the ways of ,god1 the  
plans of ,god1 the love of ,god3 by     

which means we argue with ,god and judge
 ,him4 ,and another manner of impudence 
we have is this1 that we dare to        
attribute or to blame ,him for the      
results of man's own filth1 saying3     
,this and this is the will of ,god1 for 
we see that it exists1 and ,his will is 
omnipotent4 ,oh1 beware of this         
impudence1 drop it out of the heart and 
mind1 and flee from it as from the      
plague6 ,how then can these things be1  
if ,he is omnipotent8 we say4 ,because  
of this1 that in the trust of ,his great
 love ,he gave us the royal and ,godly  
gift of free-will1 and our souls have   
proved themselves unworthy to have it2  
and now the creature is brought before  
the ,beautiful1 and the ,holy1 and the  
,pure1 but turning away1 like the sow1  
prefers the mire and the festering sores
 proceeding from such wallowings4 ,if   
there were no choice1 there were no     
virtue1 and no progress home4 ,but let  
no man venture in his heart to attribute
 to that ,holy and ,marvellous ,being   

whom we speak of as ,god1 not knowing as
 yet ,his ,name1 any will towards       
festers and corruptions1 for what does  
,he say ,himself8 ,their sins rise up   
before ,me and stink in ,my nostrils6   
,we surely forget that this world is not
 yet ,god's ,kingdom1 and that ,his will
 is not done here1 and will not be until
 the ,judgment ,day4 ,this world is but 
a tiny testing-chamber in ,his mighty   
workshop2 and great and wonderful is the
 care ,he has for the workers in it4  ,o
 man6 whence come thy wretchednesses8   
,look round and think4 ,do they not all 
proceed from self and fellow-men1 alive 
or dead8 ,then why blame ,god8  ,why am 
,i here8 we cry1 to suffer all these    
pains1 and my consent not asked8 ,a     
poor1 sad puppet dancing to a tune ,i   
know not the rhythm of4 ,where is my    
recompense8 ,and where my wages8 ,i will
 take all ,i can of what is offered     
here1 and give no thanks6 ,it is but my 
scant due for all my wretchednesses6  ,o
 foolish man6 so timid of all future    

possibilities of bliss that he must     
grasp and burn himself with such        
delights as he finds here6 ,and equally 
mistaken and small-minded man who thinks
 that all our ,mighty ,god will have to 
offer us hereafter are crowns1 damp     
clouds and mists1 and endless hymns6    
,such little hearts are far away indeed 
from knowing the magnitudes of ,life4   
,o wretched man6 why this distrust8     
,hast thou created even thine own palate
 and digestion8 ,hast thou invented any 
of those fond delights that so enslave  
thee now8 ,hast thou thyself devised the
 means wherewith to satisfy the longing 
of thy creature for the sweets of life8 
,they were provided thee2 all that thou 
hast created is misuse6 ,thou art but a 
perverted thing6--a crooked tool of     
self1 a fly drowning in the honey that  
it sought too greedily to own6  ,o      
wretched1 wretched man6 so cloyed with  
sweets of earth thou canst not raise thy
 head to see the sunrise out beyond the 
world1 and know true sweets6 ,how many  

are the tears wept over thee by the     
great heart of ,god6  99 99 99  ,since  
coming into this new way of living1 the 
more ,i come into contact with music the
 more ,i sense a mysterious connection  
between melody--the soul--and her       
origin4 ,alone out of all the sciences  
and arts1 music has no foundation upon  
anything on earth4 ,there is no music in
 nature until the soul1 come to a       
perfect harmony within herself1 brings  
out the hidden harmony in all creation1 
and1 turning it to melody within        
herself1 returns it to her ,lord in     
song1 whether by outward instrument or  
inward love4  ,the soul1 indeed1 would  
seem to have come out of a life of      
infinite melody and to have dropped into
 an existence of mere contrary and      
vexing time-beat4  ,who can by any means
 account for the variety of passions    
excited within him by the mere          
difference of the spacing1 time1 or     
rhythm of music8 ,in my new condition of
 living ,i notice that the soul throws  

out with most disdainful impatience     
music that was formerly beautiful to my 
mind and heart 7or my creature72 and    
certain types of flowing cadences 7very 
rarely to be found71 sustained in high1 
flowing1 delicate1 and soaring          
continuity will produce in her          
conditions akin to a madness of joy4    
,for one brief instant she remembers6   
but cannot utter what6  ,of visions ,i  
know nothing1 but received all my       
experiences into my soul as amazingly   
real inward perceptions4 ,that these    
perceptions are of unprecedented        
intensity1 and more realistic than those
 which are merely visual1 can be        
understood by bodily comparisons2 for to
 feel or to be one with fire is more    
than to see it4  ,to try to compare     
spiritual life with physical experiences
 would seem to be useless2 for1 to my   
feeling1 while we live in the spirit we 
live at a great speed1--indeed1 an      
incalculably great speed--and as a whole
 and not in parts4 ,for with physical   

living we live at one moment by the     
eyes1 at another with the mind1 at      
another through the heart1 at another   
with the body4 ,but the spirit feels to 
have no parts1 for all parts are of so  
perfect a concordance that in this      
marvellous harmony all is one and one is
 all4 ,and this with incredible         
intensity1 so that we live not as       
now--dully--but at white heat of        
sensibility4  ,prayer  ,prayer is the   
golden wedding-ring between ourselves   
and ,god4 ,for myself1 ,i divide it into
 two halves--the one petitioning1 the   
other offering4  ,of petitioning ,i     
would say that this is the work of the  
soul2 and of offering1 that it is the   
pleasure of the soul4  ,of petitioning1 
that ,i come to it under ,his command2  
and of offering1 that ,i come to it of  
my own high1 passionate desire4  ,i make
 upon my knees1 three times a day1 three
 short and formal prayers of humble     
worship1 as befits the creature         
worshipping its ,ineffable and ,mighty  

,god3 and for the rest of my time ,i    
sing to ,him from my heart and soul1 as 
befits the joyful lover1 adoring and    
conversing with the ,ineffable and      
,exquisite ,beloved4  99 99 99  ,this is
 the circle of ,his way with us4 ,first 
is prayer2 then love2 and after love1   
humility4 ,with humility comes grace2   
and after grace1 temptation2 and in     
temptation we must quickly enter prayer 
again4  99 99 99  ,o wonderful and      
ineffable ,god6 who1 while remaining    
hidden from ,his lovers in this life1   
yet so ravishes their hearts and minds  
and souls that they are unable to find  
truly sweet even the greatest of life's 
former joys--for nothing can now ever   
satisfy them but the secret and         
marvellous administrations of ,his love 
and grace6 ,on one day feeling to be    
forsaken1 the most desolate and lonely  
of all creatures in the ,universe2 and  
on another exalted to almost unbearable 
pinnacles of bliss1 equal to the angels 
in felicity1 and blest beyond all power 

of words to say--such and so are the    
lovers of ,god4  99 99 99  ,the soul has
 six wings3 love1 obedience1 humility1  
simplicity1 perseverance1 and courage4  
,with these she can attain ,god4  ,we   
know very well that no man will find    
,god either enclosed1 held fast1 or     
demonstrated within a circle of dogmatic
 words2 but every man can find1 in his  
own soul1 an exquisite and incomparable 
instrument of communication with ,god4  
,to establish the working of this       
communication is the whole object and   
meaning of life in this world--this     
world of material1 finite1 and physical 
things1 in which the human body is at   
once a means and a debt4  ,the key to   
progress is a continual dressing of the 
will and mind and heart towards ,god1   
best brought about by continually       
filling the heart and mind with         
beautiful1 grateful1 and loving thoughts
 of ,him4 ,at all stages of progress the
 thoughts persistently fly away to other
 things in the near and visible world1  

and we have need quietly and perpetually
 to pick them up and re-centre them on  
,him4 ,with the mind turned in this way1
 steadily towards ,god1 we are in that  
state known to science as polarisation3 
we are in that condition in which common
 iron becomes a magnet4 ,it is so that  
,god transforms us into a diminutive    
part-likeness of ,himself4  ,when at    
last the soul reaches union with ,him1  
she is for a while so caressed1 so held 
in a perpetual contact and nearness1    
that we may think ourselves already     
permanently entered into ,paradise6 ,but
 this is not the plan2 and1 our         
education being exceedingly incomplete1 
we return to our schooling4  ,we        
commence to experience profound and even
 terrible longings to leave the world   
and all creatures1 for we cannot bear   
either the sight or the sound of them1  
and seek all day long to be alone with  
the ,beloved ,god4 ,to conquer this last
 selfishness and weakness of the soul1  
we must go again--as in the             

beginning--to ,jesus4 ,he teaches us to 
go to and fro willingly1 gladly1 from   
the highest to the lowest4 ,to pick up  
our daily life and duties1 our          
obligations to a physical world1 in all 
humility1 sweet reasonableness1 and     
submission4 ,he teaches us to willingly 
accept incessant interruptions1 and with
 smiling face and perfect inward        
smoothness to descend from a high       
contemplation of ,god 7and only those   
who know high contemplation can judge of
 the immensity of what ,i say7 to listen
 and attend to some most trivial want of
 a fellow-creature6 ,reader1 it is the  
hardest thing of all4 ,no sooner have we
 learnt the hard and difficult way of   
ascent than we must willingly come down 
it1 even remain altogether in the valley
 below1 and that with a smiling face    
and1 if possible1 no thought of         
impatience6 ,this is the true sacrifice 
of the soul4 ,now1 the sacrifices of the
 creature are the giving up of the near 
and visible joys and prides of the world

 to follow ,christ1 and are not real but
 seeming sacrifices1 for1 if done       
heartily and with courage1 an exchange  
between these joys and the joys of the  
invisible is rapidly effected1 and there
 remains no sacrifice1 but the hidden   
treasure is ours6 ,but the sacrifice of 
the soul is real and long2 for having at
 last re-found ,god1 she must resign her
 full joy of ,him till the death of the 
body--and this willingly1 thankfully1   
without complaint1 not asking favours   
but pouring up her gratitude4 ,in joy or
 in pain1 in happiness or in            
tribulation--gratitude6 gratitude6--and 
this not by her own strength but by     
strength of the ,holy ,ghost4  99 99 99 
,because of this new way of living1 the 
mind acquires a great increase of       
capacity and strength and clearness3    
being able to deal quickly and correctly
 with all matters brought before it with
 an ease previously altogether unknown  
to its owner4 ,it is no exaggeration to 
say that the sagacity1 scope1 and grasp 

of the mind feels to be more than       
doubled from that which it previously   
was1 and this not because of any study1 
but by an involuntary alteration4 ,so   
that1 though the mind and attention are 
now given almost exclusively to the     
things of ,god1 yet when the things of  
the world have to be dealt with1 this is
 accomplished with extraordinary        
efficiency and quickness1 though very   
distasteful to the mind4  99 99 99  ,as 
the soul returns to her source nothing  
is more strongly emphasised to her than 
the strength and intensity of           
individuality2 she is shown that the    
essence of all joy is ,individuality in 
,union4  ,in the marvellous condition of
 ,contact1 though we cease to be the    
creature or the soul adoring the        
,creator 7but by an incomprehensible    
condescension we are accepted as one    
with ,himself in love71 yet we retain   
our own consciousness1 which is our     
individuality4  ,in the highest rapture 
,i ever was in1 my soul passed into a   

fearful extremity of experience3 she was
 burned with so terrible an excess of   
bliss1 that she was in great fear and   
anguish because of this excess4 ,indeed1
 she was so overcome by this too great  
realisation of the strength of ,god that
 she was in terror of both ,god and joy4
 ,it was three days before she recovered
 any peace1 and more than a year before 
,i dared recall one instant of it to    
mind4  ,i am not able to think that even
 in ,heaven the soul could endure such  
heights for more than a period4 ,these  
heights are incomparably1 unutterably   
beyond vision and union4 ,they are the  
uttermost extremity of that which can be
 endured by the soul1 at least until she
 has re-risen to great altitudes of     
holiness in ages to come4  ,by contact  
with ,god we acquire certain wonderful  
and terrible realisations of truth and  
knowledge4 ,for one thing1 we learn the 
nature and mode of spirit-life1 as over 
against body- or sense-life4 ,we learn1 
at first with great fear1 something of  

the awful intensities of pain1 as of    
joy1 which can be endured by the spirit 
when free of the body3 for when we are  
in the spirit we do not see fire1 but we
 feel to become it and yet live6 ,and so
 equally of pain or joy--we do not feel 
these things delicately1 as with1 and   
in1 the body1 but we pass into the      
essence of these things themselves1 in  
all their terrible and marvellous       
intensity1 which is comparatively       
without limit4  ,woe to those who must  
gather the garland of pain--which is    
remorse-after death6 ,it is easier to   
suffer a whole lifetime in the body than
 one day in the spirit4 ,o soul6 come to
 thy contrition here in this world1     
where pain has short limit6 ,repent and 
return6  99 99 99  ,of the marvellous   
favours shown to the soul the heart     
cries out3 ,o mighty ,god6 of the       
magnitude of ,thy condescensions ,i am  
afraid even to think2 they are too great
 for me1 and ,i dare to recall them1 but
 only with all the simplicity of a      

little child6  99 99 99  ,those who feel
 desire and need within themselves to   
reach the heights of inward life will do
 it best1 not through diversity of      
interests in fellow-creatures1 but by   
unification of all interests in ,god4   
,god once found1 and possessed1 we      
return to the interests of creatures in 
moderation and with judgment4  99 99 99 
,what is pain8 ,it is a mystery of      
separation1 and we are gangrenous with  
sin and pain because of separation from 
the source of life4  ,truth now comes to
 us in such small segments that we no   
longer see the pattern of it2 but this  
we are able to perceive3 that the       
mystery of ,separation is equal in      
degree with the mystery of ,union1 and  
that the child of separation is ,pain4  
,how did the soul ever become so        
separated from ,god8 ,to my feeling1 in 
curiosity of loves we may find the      
answer1 and know the fall to be not that
 of the animal man but of the soul1     
which1 once living in perpetual         

beatitude--knowing nothing of pain      
because of the unity with ,god1 not     
understanding or being even grateful for
 her bliss because of its invariable    
presence1 and given free-will1--in      
curiosity went out in search of newer   
and yet newer loves4 ,and this is the   
retribution of the soul for her         
unfaithful wanderings--that as          
separation grows greater she commences  
to know pain1 and1 becoming anxious     
therefrom to return to the source of her
 remembered joys1 she finds herself     
unable to accomplish this because of the
 weight and grossness of the nature of  
the loves to which she has hired        
herself1 and from which she is totally  
unable to free herself1 and yet which   
she must by some means overcome that she
 may rise again to sanctity and return  
to ,god4  ,now comes the marvellous1 the
 pitiful1 the universal ,christ to her  
aid--the ,mighty ,lover2 and we may see 
in the whole scheme of ,creation1 as we 
know it here1 from jelly-fish to man1 a 

plan by which the soul may bring her    
wanderings to a term in time conditions 
instead of timeless sons4 ,when all this
 earth is evolved for her great need1 at
 last by the mercy of ,god she is       
interned in the body of finite man1 and 
must clothe herself in the heart and    
mind of the human and take upon herself 
the nature of this creature man1 made   
and fashioned to be a suitable          
instrument and habitation for her4 ,to  
counterbalance the grossness and        
ineptitude of the creature's material   
body with its appetites1 man is imbued  
with the knowledge of right1 and with a 
secret longing for a happiness which is 
not that of the beast4  ,the soul must  
raise the brute in him1 with all its    
appetites1 to purity1--a mighty task1   
accomplished with much pain1 yet in     
infinitely shorter duration of pain than
 if left in disembodied spirit-life2    
and1 indeed1 we may come to look upon   
pain in this world as one of our best   
privileges because of its powers of     

purification within a time-limit1 and to
 know that by the mercy of the ,god of  
,love we may take our hell of cleansing 
in this world rather than in those      
worlds of disembodied spirits where     
progress is of infinite                 
slowness--revolving and revolving upon  
itself1 as a sand-spiral in a           
blast-furnace1 without hope of death4   
,oh1 how convey any warning of this     
terrible knowledge1 which is not        
communicable by words6 ,he said1 ,though
 one return from the dead1 ye would not 
believe4 ,but1 ,o soul6 repent and      
return while still in the body6 ,lay    
hold on the ,christ6  ,in the life of   
this world1 then1 does our ,god of love 
and mercy give us rapid means 7by       
conquest of the animal grossness and    
corruptible body1 raising man to the    
ideal man1 according to ,god's          
intention7 to reunite ourselves with    
,him4 ,and the soul of all animal       
creation is also thereby gradually      
raised with us into a universal         

adoration of the ,one ,almighty ,god4   
,this is no fallen but a rising world1  
in which all ,creation is slowly and    
gloriously rising step by step4  ,so may
 our soul repay her debt to ,god for her
 past infidelities4  ,thy ,maker is     
thine husband1 says the voice of the    
prophet4  ,and the creature1 with its   
suffering heart and mind and body1 has  
also its incomparable reward of bliss3  
for because of its love and obedience it
 is raised into the spiritual body1     
,,and ,,together ,,with ,,the ,,soul    
,,becomes ,,the ,,child ,,of ,,the      
,,resurrection4  ------  ,transcriber's 
,notes3  ,the name of the author1       
,lilian ,staveley1 is not mentioned on  
the title page of this text1 but ,i have
 added it here4  ,i have made one       
spelling change3  enough to blow-to to  
enough to blow to4