,transcriber's note ,minor punctuation errors have been changed without notice4 ,printer errors have been changed and are listed at the end4 ,,conversation ,what to ,say and ,how to ,say ,it ,,conversation ,what to ,say and ,how to ,say ,it ,,by ,,mary ,,greer ,,conklin ,,funk ,,wagnalls ,,company ,,new ,,york ,,and ,,london #aiab ,,copyright1 #aiab1 ,,by ,,funk ,,wagnalls ,,company ,all rights reserved for all countries ,printed in the ,united ,states of ,america ,published ,november1 #aiab ,,in ,,loving ,,memory ,,to ,a4 ,e4 ,c4 ,,whose ,,delightful ,,conversation ,,stimulated ,,my ,,youth ,,and ,,in ,,grateful ,,acknowledgment ,,of ,,their ,,severe ,,criticism ,,and ,,friendly ,,aid ,,to ,,charles ,,townsend ,,copeland ,,assistant ,,professor ,,of ,,english ,,at ,,harvard ,,college ,,and ,,frank ,,wilson ,,cheney ,,hersey ,,instructor ,,in ,,english ,,at ,,harvard ,,college ,,preface ,the best book that was ever written upon good breeding1 said ,dr4 ,johnson to ,boswell1 the best book1 ,i tell you1 ,il ,cortegiano by ,castiglione1 grew up at the little court of ,urbino1 and you should read it4 ,il ,cortegiano was first published by the ,aldine ,press at ,venice1 in #aebh4 ,before the close of the century more than one hundred editions saw the light2 ,french1 ,spanish1 ,english1 and ,german versions followed each other in rapid succession1 and the ,cortegiano was universally acclaimed as the most popular prose work of the ,italian ,renaissance4 ,have you read ,castiglione's ,cortegiano8 asks the courtier ,malpiglio1 in ,tasso's dialog4 ,the beauty of the book is such that it deserves to be read in all ages2 as long as courts endure1 as long as princes reign and knights and ladies meet1 as long as valor and courtesy hold a place in our hearts1 the name of ,castiglione will be held in honor4 ,in his ,book of the ,courtier1 ,castiglione said very little about perfection of speech2 he discust only the standard of literary language and the prescribed limits of the vulgar tongue1 or the ,italian in which ,petrarch and ,boccaccio had written4 ,what he says about grace1 however1 applies also to conversation3 ,i say that in everything it is so hard to know the true perfection as to be well-nigh impossible2 and this because of the variety of opinions4 ,thus there are many who will like a man who speaks much1 and will call him pleasing2 some will prefer modesty2 some others an active and restless man2 still others one who shows calmness and deliberation in everything2 and so every man praises or decries according to his mind1 always clothing vice with the name of its kindred virtue1 or virtue with the name of its kindred vice2 for example1 calling an impudent man frank1 a modest man dull1 an ignorant man good1 a knave discreet1 and so in all things else4 ,yet ,i believe that there exists in everything its own perfection1 altho concealed2 and that this can be determined through rational discussion by any having knowledge of the thing in hand4 ,if this superb courtier could not reach decisions regarding perfection in matters of culture and polish1 ,i could scarcely hope to have entirely reconciled the contending phases of conversation1 even if ,i have succeeded in impressing positively the evident faults to be avoided1 and the avowed graces of speech to be attained4 ,with ,castiglione as a model ,i can only say regarding conversation what he said about the perfect courtier3 ,i praise the kind of courtier that ,i most esteem1 and approve him who seems to me nearest right1 according to my poor judgment4444 ,i only know that it is worse not to wish to do well than not to know how4 ,those heretofore interested in agreeable speech will at once recognize my obligation to the few men and women who have written entertainingly on conversation1 and from whom ,i have often quoted4 ,my excuse for offering a new treatment is that ,i may perhaps have succeeded in bringing the subject more within the reach of the general public1 and to have written more exhaustively4 ,the deductions ,i have made are the result of an affectionate interest in my subject and of notes taken during a period of many years4 ,if the book affords readers one-half the pleasure and stimulus it has brought to me1 my labors will be happily rewarded4 ,beyond my chief critics1 to whom ,i dedicate this volume1 ,i express my gratitude to ,mrs4 ,fannie ,bloomfield ,zeisler1 the pianiste1 and to ,dr4 ,henrietta ,becker von ,klenze1 formerly of the ,university of ,chicago1 whose interest in all ,i have ever attempted to do has been an unfailing support1 and whose suggestions have added value to this work2 to ,dr4 ,gustavus ,howard ,maynadier1 of ,harvard ,college1 for friendly assistance in many ways2 and to ,mr4 ,george ,benson ,weston1 of ,harvard ,college1 who has been kind enough to read the manuscript1 and by whose knowledge of the literature of many languages ,i have greatly profited4 ,,boston1 ,,massachusetts1 ,august1 #aiab4 ,,contents ,chapter ,i ,,introductory ,,what ,,conversation ,,is ,,and ,,what ,,it ,,is ,,not ,,page ,what is the aim of conversation8--,the talk of ,coleridge and ,macaulay--,browning's delightful conversation--,why we go into society--,the elements of good conversation--,what it is not--,genius and scholarship not essential to good conversation #ba ,chapter ,,ii ,,discussion ,,versus ,,controversy ,dr4 ,johnson's and ,robert ,louis ,stevenson's opinion of discussion--,politeness and discussion--,the hostess in discussion--,flat contradiction in discussion--,polemical squabbles--,brilliant discussion in ,france--,the secret of delightful conversation in ,france--,leading the talk--,topics for discussion--,gladstone's conversation #ce ,chapter ,,iii ,,gossip ,gossip in literature--,gossip comes from being of one kindred under ,god--,gossip and the misanthrope--,personal history of people we know and people we don't know--,gossip of books of biography--,interest in others gives fellowship and warmth to life--,essential difference between slander and innocent gossip--,the psychology of the slanderer--,the apocryphal slanderer--,talking behind another's back--,personal chat the current coin of conversation #fc ,chapter ,,iv ,,what ,,should ,,guests ,,talk ,,about ,,at ,,dinner8 ,guests' talk during the quarter of an hour before dinner--,what guests may talk about--,talking to one's dinner-companion--,guests' duty to host and hostess--,the dominant note in table-talk--,general and tete-a-tete conversation between guests--,the raconteur at dinner #hi ,chapter ,v ,,talk ,,of ,,host ,,and ,,hostess ,,at ,,dinner ,the amalgam for combining guests--,hosts' talk during the quarter of an hour before dinner--,seating guests to enhance conversation--,number of guests for the best conversation--,directing the conversation at dinner--,drawing guests out--,signaling for conversation--,general and tete-a-tete conversation--,putting strangers at ease--,steering talk away from offensive topics--,the gracious host and hostess--,an ideal dinner party #aaa ,chapter ,,vi ,,interruption ,,in ,,conversation ,its deadening effect on conversation--,habitual interruption--,nervous interruption--,glib talkers--,interrupting by over-accuracy--,interruptions outside the conversation-circle--,children and their interruption--,good talk at table--,anecdotes of children's appreciation of good conversation--,the hostess who is ,mistress of herself tho ,china fall #acc ,chapter ,,vii ,,power ,,of ,,fitness1 ,,tact1 ,,and ,,nicety ,,in ,,business ,,words4 ,why cultivating the social instinct adds strength to business persuasion--,secret of the ability to use tactful and vivid words in business--,essential training necessary to the nice use of words--,business success depends upon nicety and tact more than on any quality of force #afa ,chapter ,,viii ,,conclusion ,conversation is reciprocal--,good conversationalists cannot talk to the best advantage without confederates--,as in whist it is the combination which effects what a single whist-playing genius cannot accomplish--,good conversation does not mark a distinction among subjects2 ,it denotes a difference in talkability--,the different degrees of talkability--,imperturbable glibness impedes good conversation--,ease with which one may improve one's conversational powers #age ,,chapter ,i ,,introductory ,,what ,,conversation ,,is ,,and ,,what ,,it ,,is ,,not ,what ,is the ,aim of ,conversation8--,the ,talk of ,coleridge and ,macaulay--,browning's ,delightful ,conversation--,why ,we ,go into ,society--,the ,elements of ,good ,conversation--,what ,it ,is ,not--,genius and ,scholarship ,not ,essential to ,good ,conversation4 ,,chapter ,i ,,introductory ,,what ,,conversation ,,is ,,and ,,what ,,it ,,is ,,not ,good conversation is more easily defined by what it is not than by what it is4 ,to come to any conclusions on this subject1 one should first determine3 ,what is the aim of conversation8 ,should the intention be to make intercourse with our fellows a free school in which to acquire information2 should it be to disseminate knowledge2 or should the object be to divert and to amuse8 ,it might seem that any person with a good subject must talk well and be interesting4 ,alas6 highly cultivated people are sometimes the most silent4 ,or1 if they talk well1 they are likely to talk too well to be good conversationalists1 as did ,coleridge and ,macaulay1 who talked long and hard about interesting subjects1 but were nevertheless recorded as bores in conversation because they talked at people instead of talking with them4 ,in society ,browning was delightful in his talk4 ,he would not discuss poetry1 and was as communicative on the subject of a sandwich or the adventures of some woman's train at the last drawing-room as on more weighty subjects4 ,tho to some he may have seemed obscure in his art1 all agreed that he was simple and natural in his discourse4 ,whatever he talked about1 there could not be a moment's doubt as to his meaning4 ,from these facts concerning three men of genius1 it can be inferred that we do not go into society to get instruction gratis2 that good conversation is not necessarily a vehicle of information2 that to be natural1 easy1 gay1 is the catechism of good talk4 ,no matter how learned a man is1 he is often thrown with ordinary mortals2 and the ordinary mortals have as much right to talk as the extraordinary ones4 ,one can conceive1 on the other hand1 that when geniuses have leisure to mix in society their desire is to escape from the questions which daily burden their minds4 ,if they prefer to confine themselves to an interchange of ideas apart from their special work1 they have a right to do so4 ,in this shrinking of people of genius from discussing the very subjects with regard to which their opinion is most valuable1 there is no doubt a great loss to the world4 ,but unless they themselves bring forth the topic of their art1 it must remain in abeyance4 ,society has no right to force their mentioning it4 ,this leads us1 then1 to the conclusion that the aim of conversation is to distract1 to interest1 to amuse2 not to teach nor to be taught1 unless incidentally4 ,in good conversation people give their charm1 their gaiety1 their humor1 certainly--and their wisdom1 if they will4 ,but conversation which essentially entertains is not essentially nonsense4 ,some one has drawn this subtle distinction3 ,i enter a room full of pleasant people as ,i go to see a picture1 or listen to a song1 or as ,i dance--that ,i may amuse myself1 and invigorate myself1 and raise my natural spirits1 and laugh dull care away4 ,true1 there must be ideas1 as in all amusements worthy of the name there is a certain seriousness impossible to define2 only they must be kept in the background4 ,the aim and design of conversation is1 therefore1 pleasure4 ,this agreed1 we can determine its elements4 ,conversation1 above all1 is dialog1 not monolog4 ,it is a partnership1 not an individual affair4 ,it is listening as well as talking4 ,monopolizing tyrants of society who will allow no dog to bark in their presence are not conversationalists2 they are lecturers4 ,there are plenty of people who1 as ,mr4 ,benson says1 possess every qualification for conversing except the power to converse4 ,there are plenty of people who deliver one monolog after another and call their talk conversation4 ,the good conversationalists are not the ones who dominate the talk in any gathering4 ,they are the people who have the grace to contribute something of their own while generously drawing out the best that is in others4 ,they hazard topics for discussion and endeavor each to give to the other the chance of enlarging upon them4 ,conversation is the interchange of ideas2 it is the willingness to communicate thought on all subjects1 personal and universal1 and in turn to listen to the sentiments of others regarding the ideas advanced4 ,good conversation is the nimbleness of mind to take the chance word or the accidental subject and play upon it1 and make it pass from guest to guest at dinner or in the drawing-room4 ,it is the discussion of any topic whatever1 from religion to the fashions1 and the avoidance of any phase of any subject which might stir the irascible talker to controversy4 ,as exprest by ,cowper in his essay1 ,conversation3 ,ye powers who rule the tongue1 if such there are1 ,and make colloquial happiness your care1 ,preserve me from the thing ,i dread and hate-- ,a duel in the form of a debate4 ,wearing one's heart on one's sleeve is good for one conversationally4 ,ready conversers are people who give their thought to others in abundance2 who make others feel a familiar heartbeat4 ,no one can approach so near to us as the sincere talker1 with his sympathy and his willing utterances4 ,luther1 who stands out as one of the giants of the ,renaissance1 came into close human touch with his friends in talk2 in conversation with him they could always feel his fierce and steady pulse4 ,another element of successful conversation is good-humored tolerance1 the willingness to bear rubs unavoidably occasioned4 ,the talker who cavils at anything that is said stops conversation more than if he answered only yes or no to all remarks addrest to him4 ,still another element of good conversation is the right sort of gossip2 gossip which is contemporary and past history of people we know and of people we don't know2 gossip which is in no way a temptation to detract4 ,raillery may also become a legitimate part of good conversation1 if the ridicule is like a good parody of good literature--in no way malignant or commonplace4 ,shop1 if nicely adjusted to the conversational conditions1 may have its rightful share in interesting talk4 ,friends often meet together just to talk things over1 to get each other's point of view1 to hear each other tell of his own affairs1 of his work and of his progress4 ,shop talk was sometimes the essence of those famous conversations of the seventeenth century coffee-house4 ,anecdotes are a natural part of conversation1 but they become the bane of talk unless kept in strict restraint4 ,there are times when good conversation is momentary silence rather than speech4 ,it is only the haranguers who feel it their duty to break in with idle and insincere chatter upon a pleasant and natural pause4 ,a part of the good fellowship of acceptable conversation is what one might call interest questions4 ,interest questions are just what the words imply1 and have about them no suspicion of the inquisitive and impertinent catechizing which only fools1 and not even knaves1 indulge in4 ,the negative phase of conversation may largely grow out of a discussion of the positive4 ,by discovering what conversation is1 we find1 in a measure1 what it is not4 ,it is not monolog nor monopolizing2 it is not lecturing nor haranguing2 it is not detracting gossip2 it is not ill-timed shop talk2 it is not controversy nor debate2 it is not stringing anecdotes together2 it is not inquisitive nor impertinent questioning4 ,there are still other things which conversation is not3 ,it is not cross-examining nor bullying2 it is not over-emphatic1 nor is it too insistent1 nor doggedly domineering1 talk4 ,nor is good conversation grumbling talk4 ,no one can play to advantage the conversational game of toss and catch with a partner who is continually pelting him with grievances4 ,it is out of the question to expect everybody1 whether stranger or intimate1 to choke in congenial sympathy with petty woes4 ,the trivial and perverse annoyances of one's own life are compensating subjects for conversation only when they lead to a discussion of the phase of character or the fling of fate on which such-and-such incidents throw light1 because the trend of the thought then encourages a tossing back of ideas4 ,perhaps the most important thing which good conversation is not1 is this3 ,it is not talking for effect1 or hedging4 ,there are two kinds of hedging in conversation3 one which comes from failing to follow the trend of the discussion2 another which is the result of talking at random merely to make bulk4 ,the first is tolerable2 the last is contemptible4 ,the moment one begins to talk for effect1 or to hedge flippantly1 he is talking insincerely4 ,and when a good converser runs against this sort of talker1 his heart calls out1 with ,carlyle1 for an empty room1 his tobacco1 and his pipe4 ,it is maintained by some one that there are three kinds of a bore3 the person who tells the plot of a play1 the one who tells the story of a novel1 and the one who tells his dreams4 ,this may be going too far with regard to dreams2 for dreams1 if handled in the right way1 are easily made a part of interesting talk4 ,but in sophisticated society books and plays are discust only by talking about the prevailing idea round which the story centers4 ,they are criticized1 not outlined4 ,the most learned and cultivated talkers do not attempt the difficult and unrewarded feat of giving a concise summary of plots4 ,good conversation1 then1 is the give and take of talk4 ,a person who converses well also listens well4 ,the one is inseparable from the other4 ,anything can be talked about in cultivated society provided the subjects are handled with humanity and discrimination4 ,even the weather and the three dreadful ,d's of conversation1 ,dress1 ,disease1 and ,domestics1 may be made an acceptable part of talk if suited to the time1 the place1 and the situation4 ,nor is genius or scholarship essential to good conversation4 ,the qualities most needed are tact1 a sincere desire to please1 and an appreciation of the truth that the man who never says a foolish thing in conversation will never say a wise one4 ,,chapter ,,ii ,,discussion ,,versus ,,controversy ,dr4 ,johnson's and ,robert ,louis ,stevenson's ,opinion of ,discussion--,politeness and ,discussion--,the ,hostess in ,discussion--,flat ,contradiction in ,discussion--,polemical ,squabbles--,brilliant ,discussion in ,france--,the ,secret of ,delightful ,conversation in ,france--,leading the ,talk--,topics for ,discussion--,gladstone's ,conversation4 ,,chapter ,,ii ,,discussion ,,versus ,,controversy ,many people object to discussion1 but they are invariably those on the midway rounds of the conversational ladder2 people to whom the joy of the amicable intellectual tussle is unknown1 and to whom the highest standards of the art of talking do not appeal4 ,where there is much intellectual activity discussion is sure to arise1 for the simple reason that people will not think alike4 ,polite discussion is the most difficult and the most happy attainment of society as it is of literature2 and why should oral discussion be less attractive than written8 ,dr4 ,johnson used to express unbounded contempt for all talk that was not discussion2 and ,robert ,louis ,stevenson has given us frankly his view3 ,there is a certain attitude1 combative at once and deferential1 eager to fight yet most averse to quarrel1 which marks out at once the talkable man4 ,it is not eloquence1 nor fairness1 nor obstinacy1 but a certain proportion of all these that ,i love to encounter in my amicable adversaries4 ,they must not be pontiffs holding doctrine1 but huntsmen questing after elements of truth4 ,neither must they be boys to be instructed1 but fellow-students with whom ,i may argue on equal terms4 ,from ,mr4 ,john ,b4 ,yeats1 one of the many ,irishmen who have written tellingly on this interesting subject of human intercourse1 we have3 ,conversation is an art1 as literature is1 as painting is1 as poetry is1 and subject to the same laws from which nothing human is excluded1 not even argument4 ,there is literature which argues1 and painting which argues1 and poetry which argues1 so why not conversation which argues8 ,only argument is the most difficult to mold into the most blessed shape of art4 ,some people conceive an everlasting opposition between politeness and earnest discussion4 ,politeness consists1 they think1 in always saying1 yes1 yes1 or at most a non-committal indeed8 to every word addrest to them4 ,this is apt to be our ,american vice of conversation1 where1 for lack of courage in taking up discussion1 talk often falls into a series of anecdotes4 ,in ,germany the tendency is to be swept away in discussion to the point of a verbal dispute4 ,there is no greater bore in society than the person who agrees with everybody4 ,discussion is the arena in which we measure the strength of one another's minds and run a friendly tilt in pleasing self-assertiveness2 it is the common meeting-ground where it is understood that ,barnabas will take gentle reproof from ,paul1 and ,paul take gentle reproof from ,barnabas4 ,those who look upon any dissent from their views as a personal affront to be visited with signs of resentment are no more fit for brilliant talk than they are fit for life and its vicissitudes4 ,whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul in peace1 it is true2 but he also keeps himself dead to all human intercourse and as colorless in the world as an oyster4 ,too great a desire to please1 says ,stevenson1 banishes from conversation all that is sterling4444 ,it is better to emit a scream in the shape of a theory than to be entirely insensible to the jars and incongruities of life and take everything as it comes in a forlorn stupidity4 ,this is equivalent to telling the individual who treads too nicely and fears a shock that he had pleased us better had he pleased us less1 which is the subtle observation of ,mr4 ,price ,collier writing in the ,north ,american ,review3 ,it is perhaps more often true of women than of men that they conceive affability as a concession4 ,at any rate1 it is not unusual to find a hostess busying herself with attempts to agree with all that is said1 with the idea that she is thereby doing homage to the effeminate categorical imperative of etiquette1 when in reality nothing becomes more quickly tiresome than incessant affirmatives1 no matter how pleasantly they are modulated4 ,nor can one avoid one of two conclusions when one's talk is thus negligently agreed to3 either the speaker is confining herself entirely to incontradictable platitudes1 or the listener has no mind of her own2 and in either case silence were golden4 ,in this connection it were well to recall the really brilliant epigram of the ,abbe de ,saint-,real1 that ',on s'ennuie presque toujours avec ceux que l'on ennuie4' ,for not even a lover can fail to be bored at last by the constant lassitude of assent expressing itself in twin sentiments to his own4 ',coquetting with an echo1' ,carlyle called it4 ,for1 tho it may make a man feel mentally masterful at first1 it makes him feel mentally maudlin at last2 and1 as the ,abbe says1 to be bored one's self is a sure sign that one's companion is also weary4 ,tho polite dissent is desirable in discussion1 flat contradiction is contemptible4 ,dean ,swift affirms that a person given to contradiction is more fit for ,bedlam than for conversation4 ,in discussion1 far more than in lighter talk1 decency as well as honor commands that each partner to the conversational game conform to the niceties and fairness of it4 ,i don't think so1 ,it isn't so1 ,i don't agree with you at all1 are too flat and positive for true delicacy and refinement in conversation4 ,i have been inclined to think otherwise1 ,i should be pleased to hear your reasons1 ,aren't you mistaken8 are more acceptable phrases with which to introduce dissent4 ,in ,french society a discrepancy of views is always manifested by some courtesy-phrase1 such as ,mais1 ne pensez-vous pas or ,je vous demande pardon--the urbane substitutes for ,no1 you are wrong1 ,no1 it isn't4 ,our own ,benjamin ,franklin1 whose appreciation of the conversational art in ,france won completely the hearts of the ,french people1 tells us in his autobiography that in later life he found it necessary to throw off habits acquired in youth3 ,i continued this positive method for some years1 but gradually left it1 retaining only the habit of expressing myself in terms of modest diffidence3 never using when ,i advanced anything that might possibly be disputed1 the words 'certainly1' 'undoubtedly1' or any others that give the air of positiveness to an opinion1 but rather say1 'it appears to me1' or ',i should think it so-and-so1 for such-and-such a reason1' or ',i imagine it to be so1' or it is so 'if ,i am not mistaken4' ,unyielding obstinacy in discussion is deadening to conversation1 and yet the extreme contrary is crippling4 ,open resentment of any attempt at warmth of speech is paralysis and torpor to talk4 ,when one meets a hostess1 or a conversational partner1 whose only pleasure is to be displeased1 one is reminded of the railway superintendent who kept the wires hot with fault-finding messages bearing his initials ,h4 ,f4 ,c4 until he came to be known along the road as ,hell ,for ,certain4 ,people of a resentful turn of mind1 whose every sentence is a wager1 and who convert every word into a missile1 are fit for polemical squabbles1 but not for polite discussion4 ,those raucous persons who1 when their opponents attempt to speak1 cry out against it as a monstrous unfairness1 are very well adapted to association with ,kilkenny cats1 but not with human beings4 ,it is in order to vanquish by this means one who might otherwise outmatch them entirely that they thus seek to reduce their opponent to a mere interjection4 ,a man of culture1 says ,mr4 ,robert ,waters1 is not intolerant of opposition4 ,he frankly states his views on any given subject1 without hesitating to say wherein he is ignorant or doubtful1 and he is ready for correction and enlightenment wherever he finds it4 ,such a man never presses his hearers to accept his views2 he not only tolerates but considers opposed opinions and listens attentively and respectfully to them4 ,hazlitt said of the charming discussion of ,northcote1 the painter3 ,he lends an ear to an observation as if you had brought him a piece of news1 and enters into it with as much avidity and earnestness as if it interested only himself personally4 ,of all the tenets of good conversation to which the ,french give heed1 their devotion to listening is the most notable4 ,from this judiciously receptive attitude springs their uninterrupting shrug of assent or disapproval4 ,but listening is only one of their many established conversational dicta3 ,the conversation of ,parisians is neither dissertation nor epigram2 they have pleasantry without buffoonery2 they associate with skill1 with genius1 and with reason1 maxims and flashes of wit1 sharp satire1 and severe ethics4 ,they run through all subjects that each may have something to say2 they exhaust no subject for fear of tiring their hearer2 they propose their themes casually and they treat them rapidly2 each succeeding subject grows naturally out of the preceding one2 each talker delivers his opinion and supports it briefly2 no one attacks with undue heat the supposition of another1 nor defends obstinately his own2 they examine in order to enlighten1 and stop before the discussion becomes a dispute4 ,such was ,rousseau's description of ,parisian conversation2 and some one else has declared that the ,french are the only nation in the world who understand a salon whether in upholstery or talk4 ,every ,britisher1 said ,novalis more than a hundred years ago1 is an island2 and ,heine once defined silence as a conversation with ,englishmen4 ,we ,americans1 tho not so reserved in talk as our ,english brothers1 are less respectful to conversational amenities2 and both of us are far behind the ,french in the gracious art of verbal expression4 ,not only is the spoken ,english of the cultured ,irish the most cosmopolitan and best modulated of any ,english in the world1 but the conversation of cultivated ,irishmen more adequately approaches the perfection of the ,french4 ,it is as illuminating to study the best models in human intercourse as to study the best models in literature1 or painting1 or any other art4 ,one of the distinct elements in ,french conversation is that it is invariably kept general2 and by general ,i mean including in the talk all the conversational group as opposed to tete-a-tete dialog4 ,many people disagree with the ,french in this4 ,addison declared that there is no such thing as conversation except between two persons2 and ,ralph ,waldo ,emerson and ,walter ,savage ,landor said something of the same sort4 ,shelley was distinctly a tete-a-tete talker1 as ,mr4 ,benson1 the present-day essayist1 in some of his intimate discourses1 proclaims himself to be4 ,but ,burke and ,browning1 the best conversationalists in the history of the ,anglo-,saxon race1 like all the famous women of the ,french salon1 from ,mme4 ,roland to ,mme4 de ,stael1 kept pace with any number of interlocutors on any number of subjects1 from the most abstruse science to the lightest jeu d'esprit4 ,good talk between two is no doubt a duet of exquisite sympathy2 but true conversation is more like a fugue in four or eight parts than like a duet4 ,furthermore1 general and tete-a-tete conversation have both their place and occasion4 ,at a dinner-table in ,france private chats are very quickly dispelled by some thoughtful moderator4 ,dinner guests who devote themselves to each other alone are not tolerated by the ,french hostess as by the ,english and ,american4 ,because tete-a-tete conversation is considered good form so generally among ,english-speaking peoples1 ,i have in other essays adapted my comments on this subject to our customs2 but talk which is distributed among several who conform to the courtesies and laws of good conversation is the best kind of talk4 ,in general talk every one ought to have a voice4 ,it is the undue humility of some and the arrogance and polemical tendency of others that prevent good general conversation4 ,people have only to begin with three axioms3 the first1 that everybody is entitled1 and often bound1 to form his own opinion2 second1 that everybody is equally entitled to express that opinion2 and third1 that everybody's opinion is entitled to a hearing and to consideration1 not only on the ground of courtesy1 but because any opinion honestly and independently formed is worth something and contributes to the discussion4 ,another principle of ,french conversation is that it is kept personal1 in the sense1 ,i mean1 that the personality of the speakers suffuses it4 ,the theme being taken1 as ,stevenson says1 each talker plays on himself as on an instrument1 affirming and justifying himself4 ,this counter-assertion of personality1 to all appearances1 is combat1 but at bottom is amicable4 ,an issue which is essentially general and impersonal is lost in the accidental conflicts of personalities1 because the quality which plays the most important part is presence of mind1 not correct reasoning4 ,a conversationalist whose argument is wholly fallacious will often1 by exercise of verbal adroitness1 dispose of an objection which is really fatal4 ,the full swing of the personalities of the speakers in a conversation is what makes the flint strike fire4 ,it is only from heated minds that the true essence of conversation springs2 and it is in talk which glances from one to another of a group1 more than in dialog1 that this personality is reflected4 ,it is curious to note1 says an editorial in ,the ,spectator1 how very much dialog there is in the world1 and how little true conversation2 how very little1 that is1 of the genuine attempt to compare the different bearing of the same subject on the minds of different people4 ,it is the rarest thing in the world to come1 even in the best authors1 on a successful picture of the different views taken by different minds on the same subject1 and the grounds of the difference4 ,quite as noticeable an element in ,french conversation is the attitude of the conversers to their subject4 ,they never try to settle matters as if their decisions were the last court of appeal1 and as if they must make frantic effort to carry their side of the question to victory4 ,they discuss for the pleasure of discussing2 not for the pleasure of vanquishing1 nor even of convincing4 ,they discuss1 merely2 they do not debate1 nor do they enter into controversy4 ,one of the greatest conversational charms of the ,french is their amenity in leading talk4 ,this grows out of a universal eagerness in ,france to take pains in conversation and to learn its unwritten behests4 ,the uninitiated suspect little of the insight and care which matures even the natural conversational ability of a ,madame de ,stael or a ,francisque ,sarcey4 ,the initiated know that the same principles which make the ,french prodigious conversationalists make them capable and charming hosts and hostesses4 ,the talker who can follow in conversation knows how to lead1 and vice versa4 ,without a leader or moderator1 as the admirable ,scotch word has it1 conversation is apt to become either tepid or demoralized2 and often1 for the want of proper and sophisticated leading1 discussion that would otherwise be brilliant deteriorates into pandemonium4 ,as paradoxical as it sounds on first thought1 it is nevertheless true that thoroughly good conversation is impossible where there is too much talk4 ,some sort of order must be imperceptibly if not unconsciously maintained1 or the sentences clash in general conversation4 ,leading conversation is the adroit speech which checks the refractory conversationalist and changes imperceptibly the subject when it is sufficiently threshed or grows over-heated2 it is guiding the talk without palpable break into fresh fields of thought2 it is the tact with which1 unperceived1 the too slow narration of a guest is hurried by such courteous interpolations as ,so you got to the inn1 and what then8 or1 ,did the marriage take place after all82 it is the art with which the skilful host or hostess sees that all are drawn into the conversational group2 it is the watchfulness that sends the shuttle of talk in all directions instead of allowing it to rebound between a few2 it is the interest with which a host or hostess solicits the opinions of guests1 and develops whatever their answers may vaguely suggest2 it is the care with which an accidentally interrupted speech of a guest is resuscitated2 it is the consideration which puts one who arrives late in touch with the subject which was being discust just before his appearance4 ,it is this concern for conversational cues which gives any host or hostess an almost unbounded power in social intercourse2 for he is the best talker who can lead others to talk well4 ,it goes without saying that a people who have assimilated all the foregoing tenets of good conversation are never disjointed in their talk4 ,their consummate art of listening is responsible for their skill in following the logical trend of the discourse4 ,this may be considered a national trait4 ,in decent ,french society there are no abrupt transitions of thought in the different speeches4 ,the speech of each speaker grows naturally out of what some one of his conversational partners has just been saying1 or it is duly prefaced by an introductory sentence connecting it with a certain preceding speech4 ,they know that1 once embarked1 no converser can tell where the give and take of talk will carry him2 but they also know that this does not necessitate awkward and direct changes of subject4 ,the weakness of inattention and of unconscious shunting in conversation is virtually unknown in good society in ,france4 ,is it any wonder that in a country where conversation is considered an art capable of cultivation and having certain fixt principles1 so many ,french women of humble birth1 like ,sophie ,arnould and ,julie ,lespinasse1 have earned their way to fame by their conversational powers8 ,is it any wonder that in ,france polite discussion is made the most exhilarating and delightful exercise in the world8 ,one reason there is so little acceptable conversational discussion is the indisposition of people in society to say what they think2 their unwillingness to express their whole minds on any one subject4 ,it is this element of unfettered expression or revelation which makes literature entertaining2 why then withhold thought too cautiously from conversation8 ,the habit of evasion is cowardly as well as unsocial2 and nothing so augments conversation as being pleasantly downright2 letting people know where to find you4 ,the most preposterous views get respect if uttered intrepidly4 ,sincere speech is necessary to good conversation of any kind1 and especially is it essential to discussion4 ,one of the stupidest of conversational sins is quibbling--talking insincerely1 just for the sake of using words1 and shifting the point at issue to some incidental1 subordinate argument on which the decision does not at all depend4 ,it is the intellectually honest person who sparkles in discussion4 ,another reason why discussion is waning is the disrespect we feel for great subjects4 ,we only mention them1 or hint at them2 and this cannot lead to very brilliant talk4 ,tho prattle and persiflage have their place in conversation1 talkers of the highest order tire of continually encouraging chit-chat4 ,what a piece of business2 monstrous6 ,i have not read it2 impossible to get a box at the opera for another fortnight2 how do you like my dress8 ,it was immensely admired yesterday at the ,b----s2 how badly your cravat is tied6 ,did you know that ---- lost heavily by the crash of ,thursday8 ,that dear man's death gave me a good fit of crying2 do you travel this summer8 ,is ,blank really a man of genius8 ,it is incomprehensible2 they married only two years ago4 ,this sort of nimble talk is all very well2 but because one likes sillibub occasionally is no proof that one is willing to discard meat entirely4 ,conversational topics can be too trivial for recreation as well as too serious2 and even important subjects can be handled in a light way if necessary4 ,clever people are the best encyclopedias1 said ,goethe2 and the great premier ,gladstone was a charming man in society1 though he never talked on any but serious subjects4 ,he was noted for his ability to pump people dry without seeming in the least to probe4 ,true conversation is not content with thrust and parry1 with mere sword-play of any kind1 but should lay mind to mind and show the real lines of agreement and the real lines of divergence4 ,yet this is the very kind of conversation which seems to me so very rare4 ,in order that a great subject shall be a good topic of conversation1 it must provoke an enthusiasm of belief or disbelief2 people must have decided opinions one way or the other4 ,i believe with ,stevenson that theology1 of all subjects1 is a suitable topic for conversational discussion1 and for the reason he gives3 that religion is the medium through which all the world considers life1 and the dialect in which people express their judgments4 ,try to talk for any length of time with people to whom you must not mention creeds1 morals1 politics1 or any other vital interest in life1 and see how inane and fettered talk becomes4 ,the tranquil and yet spirited discussion of great subjects is the most stimulating of all talk4 ,the thing to be desired is not the avoidance of discussion but the encouragement of it according to its unwritten codes and precepts4 ,the first condition of any conversation at all1 says ,professor ,mahaffy of ,dublin1 is that people should have their minds so far in sympathy that they are willing to talk upon the same subject1 and to hear what each member of the company thinks about it4 ,the higher condition which now comes before us is1 that the speaker1 apart from the matter of the conversation1 feels an interest in his hearers as distinct persons1 whose opinions and feelings he desires to know4444 ,sympathy1 however1 should not be excessive in quality1 which makes it demonstrative4 ,we have an excellent word which describes the over-sympathetic person1 and marks the judgment of society1 when we say that he or she is gushing4 ,to be too sympathetic makes discussion1 which implies difference of opinion1 impossible4 ,those who try to discover how far conversation is advanced by sympathy and hindered by over-sympathy2 those who attempt to detect to what extent wholesome discussion is degraded by acrid controversy1 need not be afraid of vigorous intellectual buffeting4 ,discussion springs from human nature when it is under the influence of strong feeling1 and is as much an ingredient of conversation as the vocalizing of sounds is a part of the effort of expressing thought4 ,,chapter ,,iii ,,gossip ,gossip in ,literature--,gossip ,comes from ,being of ,one ,kindred ,under ,god--,gossip and the ,misanthrope--,personal ,history of ,people ,we ,know and ,people ,we ,don't ,know--,gossip of ,books of ,biography--,interest in ,others ,gives ,fellowship and ,warmth to ,life--,essential ,difference ,between ,slander and ,innocent ,gossip--,the ,psychology of the ,slanderer--,the ,apocryphal ,slanderer--,talking ,behind ,another's ,back--,personal ,chat the ,current ,coin of ,conversation4 ,,chapter ,,iii ,,gossip ,it seems strange that1 in all the long list of brilliant dissertations on every subject under the sun1 no ,english essayist should have yielded a word under the seductive title of ,gossip4 ,even ,leigh ,hunt1 who wrote vivaciously and exquisitely on so many light topics1 was not attracted by the enticing possibilities of this subject to which both the learned and the unlearned are ready at all times to bestow a willing ear or eye4 ,one usually conceives gossip as something to which one lends only one's ear1 and never one's eye2 but what are ,plutarch's ,lives but the right sort of gossip8 ,that so many literary men and women have vaguely suspected the alluring tone-color of the word gossip is proved by3 ,a ,gossip in ,romance1 ,robert ,louis ,stevenson2 ,gossip in a ,library1 ,edmund ,william ,gosse2 ,gossip of the ,caribbees1 ,william ,r4 ,h4 ,trowbridge1 ,jr42 ,gossip from ,paris ,during the ,second ,empire1 ,anthony ,north ,peet2 ,gossip in the ,first ,decade of ,victoria's ,reign1 ,jane ,west2 ,gossip of the ,century1 ,julia ,clara ,byrne2 ,gossiping ,guide to ,wales1 ,askew ,roberts and ,edward ,woodall2 ,gossip with ,girls and ,maidens ,betrothed and ,free1 ,blanche ,st4 ,john ,bellairs4 ,yet no one has ever thought of writing about gossip for its own sweet sake4 ,among every-day words perhaps the word gossip is more to be reckoned with than any other in our language4 ,the child who runs confidingly to mother to report his grievance is a gossip2 he is also an historian4 ,certainly gossip is in its tone familiar and personal2 it is the familiar and personal touch which makes ,plutarch's ,lives interesting4 ,at the root of the word gossip1 say etymologists1 there lies an honest ,saxon meaning1 ,god's sib--of one kindred under ,god4 ,it would be only a misanthrope who would assert that he has no interest in his fellows4 ,he is invariably a selfish person who shuns personality in talk and refuses to know anything about people2 who says3 ,what is it to me whether this person has heard ,slezak in ,tannhaeuser2 what do ,i care whether ,mrs4 ,so-and-,so has visited the ,french play2 what concern is it of mine if ,mr4 ,millions of eighty marries ,miss ,beautiful of eighteen2 what is it to me whether you have watched the agonies of a furnishing party at ,marshall ,field's and have observed the bridegroom of tender years victimized by his wife and mother-in-law with their appeals to his excellent taste2 of what interest to me are the accounts of the dissolute excesses which interspersed the wild outbreaks of religious fanaticism of ,henry the ,third of ,france8 ,this selfish person is also very stupid1 for nothing so augments conversation as a normal interest in other people4 ,i shook him well from side to side ,until his face was blue4 ,come1 tell me how you live1 ,i cried1 ,and what it is you do4 ,this plan of ,alice's ,through the ,looking ,glass ballad singer for shaking conversation out of people1 tho somewhat too strenuous1 is less fatiguing than ,sherlock ,holmes's inductive methods4 ,like ,sherlock without his excuse1 the kind and generous must confess to a colossal interest in the affairs of others4 ,gossip is the dialog of the drama of mankind2 and we have a right to introduce any innocent and graceful means of thawing their stories from the actors1 and of unraveling dramatic knots4 ,people with keen judgment of men and things gather the harvest of a quiet eye2 they see in the little world of private life histories as wonderful and issues as great as those that get our attention in literature1 or in the theater1 or in public life4 ,personal gossip in its intellectual form has a charm not unhealthy2 and it gives new lights on character more often favorable than unfavorable4 ,there is no difference1 between enjoying this personal talk and enjoying ,the ,mill on the ,floss or books of biography4 ,boswell1 in his ,life of ,johnson1 and ,mrs4 ,thrale1 in her ,letters1 were inveterate gossips about the great man4 ,and what an incomparable little tattler was ,fanny ,burney--,madame d',arblay6 ,lord ,william ,lennox1 in his ,drafts on ,my ,memory1 is full of irrepressible and fascinating memorabilia1 from the story of ,general ,bullard's salad-dressing to important dramatic history connected with the theater of his time4 ,the ,spectator was the quintessence of gossip in an age of gossip and good conversation4 ,we could go a great deal further back to the gossips of ,theocritus1 who are as living and life-like as if we had just met them in the park4 ,all biography is a putting together of trifles which in the aggregate make up the engrossing life-stories of men and women of former and contemporary preeminence4 ,it is to the gossips of all ages that we owe much of value in literary history4 ,without the personal interest in the affairs of others which makes gossip possible1 there would be no fellowship or warmth in life2 social intercourse and conversation would be inhuman and lifeless4 ,mr4 ,benson in his essay ,conversation tells us that an impersonal talker is likely to be a dull dog4 ,mr4 ,henry van ,dyke says that the quality of talkability does not mark a distinction among things2 that it denotes a difference among people4 ,and ,chateaubriand1 in his ,memoirs d',outre-tombe1 confides to us that he has heard some very pleasant reports become irksome and malicious in the mouths of ill-disposed verbal historians4 ,one can interest one's self in the dramatic incidents in the lives of one's acquaintances without ventilating or vilifying their character4 ,gossip is capable of a more genial purpose than traducing people4 ,it is the malignity which turns gossip into scandal against which temperate conversationalists revolt2 the sort of thing which ,sheridan gibbeted in his celebrated play1 ,the ,school for ,scandal3 ,give me the papers1 7lisp7--how bold and free6 ,last night ,lord ,l4 was caught with ,lady ,d46 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 ,so strong1 so swift1 the monster there's no gagging3 ,cut scandal's head off1 still the tongue is wagging4 ,but this is scandal1 not gossip1 and scandal comes from people incapable of anything better either in mind or conversation4 ,among those who understand the art of conversation1 libelous talk is rarely heard2 with those who cultivate it to perfection1 never4 ,it is the first commandment of the slanderer to repeat promptly all the vitriolic talk he hears1 but to keep strictly to himself all pleasant words or kindly gossip4 ,those who draw no distinction between scandal and gossip should reflect that gossip may be good-natured and commendatory as well as hostile and adverse4 ,in the published letters of the late ,james ,russell ,lowell is an account of his meeting ,professor ,mahaffy of ,trinity ,college1 ,dublin1 who is known to be one of the most agreeable of men4 ,they met at the house of a friend in ,birmingham1 ,england1 and when ,lowell took leave of ,mr4 ,mahaffy he said to his host3 ,well1 that's one of the most delightful fellows ,i ever met1 and ,i don't mind if you tell him so6 ,when ,lowell's remark was repeated to ,mr4 ,mahaffy1 he exclaimed1 ,poor ,lowell6 to think that he can never have met an ,irishman before6 ,and this was gossip as surely as the inimical prattle about ,lord and ,lady ,byron was gossip4 ,no1 indeed1 slander and libelous talk are not necessary ingredients of gossip4 ,people who take malicious pleasure in using speech for malign purposes suffer from a mental disorder which does not come under the scope of conversation4 ,regarding the mental deficiencies of those who love to wallow in the mire of salacious news about others1 the psychologists have come to some interesting conclusions4 ,to them it seems that there is an essential identity between the gossip and the genius4 ,in both1 the mental processes work with the same tendency to reproduce every fragment of past experience1 because both think by what is known as total recall4 ,from the thought of one thing their minds pass to all sorts of remote connections1 sane and silly1 rational and grotesque1 relevant and irrelevant4 ,the essential difference between the gossip mind and the genius mind is the power of genius to distinguish between the worthy and the unworthy1 the trivial and the relevant1 the true and the false4 ,the thoughts of the gossip1 so the psychologists tell us1 have connection but not coherence2 the thoughts of the genius have coherence and likewise connection and unity4 ,thus we discover that scandal-mongers are at fault in the mind more than in the heart2 and that it behooves people who do not wish to have themselves voted mentally defective to draw a distinction between scandal and innocent gossip4 ,as ,i have already said1 there is nothing so interesting as the dramatic incidents in the lives of human beings4 ,despite the nature-study enthusiasts who seem to refuse mankind a place in nature1 the proper study of mankind is man and will forever remain so4 ,but this does not mean that mental weaklings should be allowed to discover and talk about only salacious episodes in the history of their acquaintances4 ,the vicious scandal-monger who defames another1 or hears him defamed or scandalized1 and then runs to him with enlarged and considerably colored tales of what was said about him1 is the poison of the serpent and should not be tolerated in society4 ,a sanitarium for mental delinquents is the only proper place for such a person4 ,and let me add that the apocryphal slanderer1 the person who never says but hints all sorts of malicious things1 is the worst sort of scandal-monger4 ,the cultivated conversationalist who talks gossip in its intellectual form does not indulge in oblique hints and insinuations4 ,he says what he has to say intrepidly because he says it discriminatingly4 ,keen judgment which discovers the fundamental distinction between scandal and suitable personality in talk raises gossip to the perfection of an art and the dignity of a science4 ,undiscriminating people1 therefore1 had better leave personalities alone and stick to the more general and less resilient topics of conversation4 ,good gossip is attainable only by minds that are capable of much higher talk than gossip4 ,cultivated1 well-poised1 well-disposed persons need never be afraid of indulging their conversation to a certain extent with gossip1 because they indulge it in the right way4 ,and provided their personal and familiar talk is listened to by equally cultivated1 well-poised1 and well-disposed people1 their gossip need not necessarily be limited to the mention of only pleasant and complimentary history2 no more1 indeed1 than ,plutarch found it necessary to tell of the glory of ,demosthenes without mention that there were those who whispered graft and bribery in connection with his name4 ,there are a few very good and very dull people who try to stop all adverse criticism4 ,all raillery strikes them as cruel4 ,they would like to see every parody murdered by the common hangman4 ,even the best of comedy is constitutionally repellent to them4 ,they want only highly colored characters from which every mellow shade of fault has been obliterated4 ,one cannot say that they have a real love of human nature1 because they do not know what human nature is4 ,they are ready to take up arms with it at every turn4 ,such people cannot see that ridicule1 or gossip1 can be either innocent or malignant2 that history can be either prejudiced or unbiased4 ,with many1 refusing to hear adverse criticism is a mere pose1 while with others it is cynicism4 ,in intercourse with the uneducated1 any well-bred person is properly shocked by their pleasure in detraction and in bad news of all sorts4 ,but the detestable people who seek every occasion to vilify1 and who wish to hear only harm of the world1 are so exceptional as to be negligible4 ,these rare villains are eliminated when one speaks of inability to distinguish between detraction and adverse criticism4 ,those who can praise well are always adepts at criticizing adversely4 ,they never carry their criticism too far1 nor give purposely an acrid touch to it4 ,there is a grim tradition that a person should never say anything behind another's back which he would not say before his face4 ,this is all very well so far as it relates to venomous tales repeated purposely to injure2 but how colorless are the people who never have critical opinions on anything or anybody2 or people who1 having them1 never express them6 ,criticism and cavil are two very different things4 ,absence of criticism is absence of the power of distinction4 ,this age of science has taught people to look truth straight in the face and learn to discriminate4 ,that person to whom everything is sweet does not know what sweet is4 ,the sophisticated world1 unlike the unsophisticated1 is not afraid of passing remarks4 ,there is no doubt that criticism1 whether it comes directly or roundabout1 adds a terror to life as soon as one goes below a certain level of cultivation4 ,the uneducated are frightened at the mere thought of criticism2 the cultivated are not4 ,perhaps the reason for this difference is that ordinary people have a brutal and entirely uncritical criticism to fear4 ,in that society sensitiveness is not very common4 ,they are not dishonorable2 they are merely hardy and can see no distinctions4 ,it is not given to these people to praise rationally and to censure discriminatingly4 ,vilifying remarks are made and repeated among them which clever people would be incapable of uttering4 ,the educated not only use a softened mode of speech1 but they avoid repeating remarks1 unless with a discerning wish to be helpful to others4 ,the cultivated who have brought life to a far higher point than the uncultivated have protected their liberty by a social rule4 ,they say what they like1 and it does not get to the ears of the person about whom they have said it4 ,and if it did it wouldn't much matter4 ,criticism which is critically given is usually critically received4 ,the maliciousness of adverse criticism seldom lies in the person who voices it1 but in the person who carries a tale4 ,the moment sophisticated people learn that one among them has venomously repeated an adversely critical remark1 they immediately know that that person is not to the manner born4 ,there is no surer proof4 ,if the born advocate is not always a saint1 the born critic is not always a sinner4 ,robert ,louis ,stevenson understood the importance of the personal touch in conversation when he wrote3 ,so far as conversational subjects are truly talkable1 more than half of them may be reduced to three3 that ,i am ,i1 that you are you1 and that there are other people dimly understood to be not quite the same as either4 ,so1 also1 did ,mr4 ,j4 ,m4 ,barrie1 when he told us that his beloved ,margaret ,ogilvy1 in spite of no personal interest in ,gladstone1 had a profound faith in him as an aid to conversation4 ,if there were silent men in the company1 she would give him to them to talk about precisely as she would divide a cake among children4 ,it is often hinted by men that women are made good conversationalists by a sense of irresponsibility4 ,but ,i am inclined to think that a little gossip now and then is relished by the best of men as well as women4 ,the tendency to gossip with which men constantly credit women1 and in which tendency the men themselves keep pace1 helps both men and women very effectually to good conversation4 ,it is more important1 says ,stevenson again1 that a person should be a good gossip and talk pleasantly and smartly of common friends and the thousand and one nothings of the day and hour1 than speak with the tongues of men and angels4444 ,talk is the creature of the street and market-place1 feeding on gossip2 and its last resort is still in a discussion on morals4 ,that is the heroic form of gossip2 heroic in virtue of its high pretensions2 but still gossip because it turns on personalities4 ,gossip1 we must admit1 has a perennial interest for all of us4 ,personal chat is the current coin of conversational capital4 ,society lives by gossip as it lives by bread4 ,the most absurd rule in the world is to avoid personalities in conversation4 ,to annihilate gossip would be to cut conversational topics in half4 ,there is musical gossip1 art gossip1 theatrical gossip1 literary gossip1 and court gossip2 there is political gossip1 and fashionable gossip1 and military gossip2 there is mercantile gossip and commercial gossip of all kinds2 there is physicians' gossip and professional gossip of every sort2 there is scientists' gossip2 and there is the gossip of the schools indulged in by masters and students all over the educational world4 ,of all the gossip in the world the most prodigious and prolific is religious gossip4 ,archbishops1 bishops1 deans1 rectors1 and curates are discussed unreservedly2 and the questions put and answered are not whether they are apostolic teachers1 but whether they are high1 low1 broad1 or no church2 whether they wear scarlet or black1 intone or read1 say shibboleth or sibboleth4 ,the roots of gossip are deep in human interest2 and1 despite the nearly universal opinion of moralists1 great reputations are more often built out of gossip than destroyed by it4 ,discriminating people do not create enemies by personalities1 nor separate friends1 because they gossip with a heart full of love1 with charity for all1 and with malice toward none4 ,gossip as a legitimate part of conversation is defended by one of the greatest of present-day scholars2 and ,i cannot do better than to quote1 in closing1 what ,mr4 ,mahaffy has said about it3 ,the topic which ought to be always interesting is the discussion of human character and human motives4 ,if the novel be so popular a form of literature1 how can the novel in real life fail to interest an intelligent company8 ,people of serious temper and philosophic habit will be able to confine themselves to large ethical views and the general dealings of men2 but to average people1 both men and women1 and perhaps most of all to busy men who desire to find in society relaxation from their toil1 that lighter and more personal kind of criticism on human affairs will prevail which is known as gossip4 ,it is idle to deny that there is no kind of conversation more fascinating than this4 ,but its immorality may easily become such as to shock honest minds1 and the man who indulges in it too freely at the expense of others will probably have to pay the cost of it himself in the long run2 for those who hear him will fear him1 and will retire into themselves in his presence4 ,on the other hand1 nothing is more honorable than to stand forth as the defender or the palliator of the faults imputed to others1 and nothing is easier than to expand such a defense into general considerations as to the purity of human motives1 which will raise the conversation from its unwholesome grounds into the upper air4 ,,chapter ,,iv ,,what ,,should ,,guests ,,talk ,,about ,,at ,,dinner8 ,guests' ,talk ,during the ,quarter of an ,hour before ,dinner--,what ,guests ,may ,talk ,about--,talking to ,one's ,dinner-,companion--,guests' ,duty to ,host and ,hostess--,the ,dominant ,note in ,table-,talk--,general and ,tete-a-,tete ,conversation between ,guests--,the ,raconteur at ,dinner4 ,,chapter ,,iv ,,what ,,should ,,guests ,,talk ,,about ,,at ,,dinner8 ,good talk is not to be had for the asking4 ,humors must first be accorded in a kind of overture for prolog2 hour1 company1 and circumstances be suited2 and then at a fit juncture1 the subject1 the quarry of two heated minds1 spring up like a deer out of the wood4 ,stevenson knew as well as ,alice in ,wonderland that something has to open the conversation4 ,you can't even drink a bottle of wine without opening it1 argued ,alice2 and every dinner guest1 during the quarter of an hour before dinner1 has felt the sententiousness of her remark4 ,someone in writing about this critical period so conversationally difficult has contended that no person in his senses would think of wasting good talk in the drawing-room before dinner1 but ,professor ,mahaffy thinks otherwise3 ,in the very forefront there stares us in the face that awkward period which even the gentle ,menander notes as the worst possible for conversation1 the short time during which people are assembling1 and waiting for the announcement of dinner4 ,if the witty man were not usually a selfish person1 who will not exhibit his talent without the reward of full and leisurely appreciation1 this is the real moment to show his powers4 ,a brilliant thing said at the very start which sets people laughing1 and makes them forget that they are waiting1 may alter the whole complexion of the party1 may make the silent and distant people feel themselves drawn into the sympathy of common merriment1 and thaw the iciness which so often fetters ,anglo-,saxon society4 ,but as this faculty is not given to many1 so the average man may content himself with having something ready to tell1 and this1 if possible1 in answer to the usual question exprest or implied3 ,is there any news this afternoon8 ,there are few days that the daily paper will not afford to the intelligent critic something ridiculous either in style or matter which has escaped the ordinary public2 some local event1 nay1 even some local tragedy1 may suggest a topic not worth more than a few moments of attention1 which will secure the interest of minds vacant1 and perhaps more hungry to be fed than their bodies4 ,here then1 if anywhere in the whole range of conversation1 the man or woman who desires to be agreeable may venture to think beforehand1 and bring with them something ready1 merely as the first kick or starting point to make the evening run smoothly4 ,however this may be1 it is only with that communicative feeling which comes after eating and drinking that talkers warm up to discriminating discussion2 and in the drawing-room just before dinner1 one can scarcely expect the conversation to turn on anything but trifles4 ,at the moment a man presents his arm to the woman he is to take in to dinner1 he must have something ready in the way of a remark1 for if he goes in in silence1 he is lost4 ,there are a thousand and one nothings he may say at this time4 ,i know a clever man who talks interestingly for fifteen minutes about the old-fashioned practice of offering a woman the hand to lead her in to dinner1 and whether or not that custom was more courteous and graceful than our modern way of proceeding4 ,the question is often asked1 ,what should guests talk about at a dinner8 ,i restrict my interrogation to guests1 because there is a distinction between the directing of a dinner-guest's conversation and the guiding of the talk by host or hostess into necessary or interesting channels4 ,dinners1 especially in diplomatic circles1 are as often given to bring about dexterously certain ends in view as they are given for mere pleasure2 and when this is the case it is necessary as well as gracious to steer conversation along the paths that it should go4 ,a guest's first duty is to his dinner-companion1 the person with whom1 according to the prearranged plan of the hostess1 he enters the dining-room and by whom he finds himself seated at table4 ,his next duty is to his hosts4 ,he has also an abstract conversational duty to his next nearest neighbor at table4 ,it is every guest's duty1 too1 to keep his ears open and be ready to join in general talk should the host or hostess attempt to draw all their guests into any general discussion4 ,the best answer to the question1 ,what should guests at dinner talk about8 is1 anything and everything1 provided the talk is tinctured with tact1 discretion1 and discrimination4 ,to one's dinner-companion1 if he happens to be a familiar acquaintance1 one can even forget to taboo dress1 disease1 and domestics4 ,one might likewise1 with discretion1 set at liberty the usually forbidden talk of shop1 on condition that such intimate conversation is to one's dinner-companion alone and is not dragged into the general flights of the table-talk4 ,while one talks to one's dinner-companion in a low voice1 however1 it needs nice discrimination not to seem to talk under one's breath1 or to say anything to a left-hand neighbor which would not be appropriate for a right-hand neighbor to hear4 ,when in general talk1 the habit some supposedly well-bred persons have of glancing furtively at any one guest to interrogate telepathically another's opinion of some remark is bad taste beyond the power of censure or the possibility of forgiveness4 ,at large1 formal dinners1 on the order of banquets1 it would be impossible for all guests to include a host or hostess in their conversational groups from any and every part of the table2 only those guests seated near them can do this4 ,but at small1 informal dinners all guests should1 whenever possible1 consider it their duty to direct much of their conversation to their host and hostess4 ,i have seen guests at small dinners of no more than six or eight covers go through the various courses of a three hours' dining1 ignoring their host and hostess in the entire table-talk1 while conversing volubly with others4 ,there is something more due a host and hostess than mere greetings on entering and leave-takings on departing4 ,if the dinner-party is so large that all guests cannot show them at the table the attention due them1 the delinquent ones can at least seek an opportunity in the drawing-room1 after guests have left the dining-room1 to pay their host and hostess the proper courtesy4 ,hosts should never be made to feel that it is to their cook they owe their distinction1 and to their table alone that guests pay visits4 ,to say that the dominant note in table-talk should be light and humorous is going too far2 but conversation between dinner-companions should tend strongly to the humorous1 to the light1 to the small change of ideas4 ,there should be an adroit intermixing of light and serious talk4 ,i noted once with keen interest a shrewd mingling of serious talk and small talk at a dinner given to a distinguished ,german scientist4 ,a clever woman of my acquaintance found herself the one selected to entertain at table this foreigner and scholar4 ,when she was presented in the drawing-room to the eminent man who was to take her in to dinner1 her hostess opened the conversation by informing the noted guest that his new acquaintance1 just that morning1 had had conferred upon her the degree of doctor of philosophy1 which was the reason she had been assigned as dinner-companion to so profound a man4 ,the foreigner followed the conversational cue1 recounting to his companion his observations on the number of ,american women seeking higher education1 et cetera4 ,such a conversational situation was little conducive to small talk2 but on the way from the drawing-room to the dining-table1 this clever woman directed the talk into light vein by assuring the scholar and diplomat that there was nothing dangerous about her even if she did possess a university degree2 that she would neither bite nor philosophize on all occasions2 that she was quite as full of life and frolic as if she had never seen a university4 ,you can imagine the effect of this vivacity upon the profoundest of men1 and you can see how this clever woman's ability at small talk made a comrade of a notable academician4 ,as the dinner progressed the talk between these two wavered from jest to earnest in a most charming manner4 ,apropos of a late book on some serious subject not expurgated for babes and sucklings1 but written for thinking men and women1 the ,german scientist asked if he might present his companion with a copy1 provided he promised to glue carefully together the pages unfit for frolicking feminine minds4 ,two days later she received the book with some of the margins pasted--which pages1 of course1 were the first ones she read4 ,when making an attempt to sparkle in small talk1 dinner-guests should remember that the line of demarcation between light talk and buffoonery may become dangerously delicate4 ,one can talk lightly1 but nicely2 while buffoonery is just what the lexicographers define it to be3 ,amusing others by clownish tricks and by commonplace pleasantries4 ,gentle dulness ever loved a joke2 and the fact that very often humorists1 paid so highly in literature to perform1 will not play a single conversational trick1 is the best proof that they have the good sense to vote their hosts and companions capable of being entertained by something nobler than mere pleasantry4 ,when wit1 says ,sydney ,smith1 is combined with sense and information2 when it is in the hands of one who can use it and not abuse it 7and one who can despise it72 who can be witty and something more than witty2 who loves decency and good nature ten thousand times better than wit1--wit is then a beautiful and delightful part of conversation4 ,opinions as to what good nature is would perhaps vary4 ,you may be good-natured1 sir1 said ,boswell to ,doctor ,johnson1 but you are not good-humored4 ,the speech of men and women is diverse and variously characteristic4 ,all people say good morning1 but no two of ,god's creatures say it alike4 ,their words range from a grunt to gushing exuberance2 and one is as objectionable as the other4 ,even weighty subjects can be talked about in tones of badinage and good breeding4 ,plato in his wonderful conversations always gave his subject a fringe of graceful wit1 but beneath the delicate shell there was invariably a hard nut to be cracked4 ,if good nature above all is sincere1 it will escape being gushing4 ,the hypocrisy which says1 ,my dear ,mrs4 ,so-and-so1 ,i'm perfectly delighted to see you2 do sit right down on this bent pin6 is not good nature2 it is pure balderdash4 ,thoughtful dinner-guests take pains not to monopolize the conversation4 ,they bring others of the company into their talk1 giving them opportunities of talking in their turn1 and listening themselves while they do so3 ,you1 ,mr4 ,brown1 will agree with me in this2 or1 ,mr4 ,black1 you have had more experience in such cases than ,i have2 what is your opinion8 ,the perfection of this quality of conversational charm consists in that rare gift1 the art of drawing others out1 and is as valuable and graceful in guests as in hosts4 ,the ,french have some dinner-table conventions which to us seem strange4 ,at any small dining of eight or ten people the talk is always supposed to be general4 ,the person who would try to begin a tete-a-tete conversation with the guest sitting next to him at table would soon find out his mistake4 ,general conversation is as much a part of the repast as the viands2 and wo to the unwary mortals who1 tempted by short distances1 start to chatter among themselves4 ,a diner-out must be able to hold his own in a conversation in which all sorts of distant1 as well as near1 contributors take part4 ,of course1 this implies small dinners2 but ,english-speaking people1 even in small gatherings1 do not attempt general conversation to such an extent4 ,they consider it a difficult matter to accomplish the diagonal feat of addressing guests at too great a distance4 ,dinner-companions1 however1 should be alert to others of the conversational group4 ,a guest can as easily lead the talk into general paths as can a host or hostess4 ,indeed1 it is gracious for him to do this1 tho it is not his duty4 ,the duty lies entirely with a host or hostess4 ,at any time through the dinner a guest can help to make conversation general3 ,if some one has just told in a low voice1 to a right-hand or left-hand neighbor alone1 some clever impersonal thing1 or a good anecdote1 or some interesting happening suitable to general table-talk1 the guest can get the attention of all present by addressing some one at the furthest point of the table from him3 ,mr4 ,snow1 ,miss ,frost has just told me something which will interest you1 ,i know1 and perhaps all of us3 ,miss ,frost1 please tell ,mr4 ,snow about1 et cetera4 ,miss ,frost1 then1 speaking a little louder in order that ,mr4 ,snow may hear1 engages the attention of the entire table4 ,the moment any one round the table thus invites the attention of the whole dinner-group1 dinner-companions should drop instantly their private chats and join in whatever general talk may ensue on the topic generally introduced4 ,the thread of their tete-a-tete conversation can be taken up later as the general table-talk is suspended4 ,a narration or an anecdote should not be long drawn out4 ,a dinner-guest1 or a host1 or a hostess1 is for the time being a conversationalist1 not a lecturer4 ,it is the unwritten law of successful dinner-talk that no one person round the table should keep the floor for more than a few short sentences4 ,the point in anecdotes should be brought out quickly1 and no happening of long duration should be recounted4 ,a guest in telling any experience can break his own narration up into conversation by drawing into his talk1 or recital1 others who are interested in his hobby or in his experience4 ,responses to toasts at banquets may be somewhat longer than the individual speeches of a single person in general table-talk2 but any dinner-speaker knows that even his response runs the risk of being spoiled if extended beyond a few minutes4 ,there are never-failing topics of interest and untold material out of which to weave suitable dinner-talk1 provided it is woven in the right way4 ,and this weaving of talk is an art in which one may become proficient by giving it attention1 just as one becomes the master of any other art by taking thought and probing into underlying principles4 ,so in the art of talking well1 even naturally fluent talkers need by faithful pains to get beyond the point where they only happen to talk4 ,they need to attain that conscious power over conversational situations which gives them precision and grace in adapting means to ends and a fine discrimination in choosing among their resources4 ,a one-sided conversation between companions is deadly unless discrimination is used in the matter of listening as well as talking4 ,for instance3 ,mr4 ,cook3 ,don't you think the plan of building a great riverside drive a splendid one8 ,miss ,brown3 ,yes4 ,mr4 ,cook3 ,the ,new ,york drive is one of the joys of life2 it gives more unalloyed pleasure than anything ,i know of4 ,miss ,brown3 ,yes4 ,unless under conditions suitable to listening and not to talking1 ,mr4 ,cook might feel like saying to ,miss ,brown1 as a bright young man once said to a quiet1 beautiful girl3 ,for heaven's sake1 ,miss ,mary1 say something1 even if you have to take it back4 ,while it is true that listening attentively is as valuable and necessary to thoroughly good conversation as is talking one's self1 good listening demands the same discretion and discrimination that good talking requires4 ,it is the business of any supposedly good conversationalist to discern when and why one must give one's companion over to soliloquy1 and when and why one must not do so4 ,the dining-room is both an arena in which talkers fight with words upon a field of white damask1 and a love-feast of discussion4 ,if guests are neither hatefully disputatious1 nor hypocritically humble1 if they are generous1 frank1 natural1 and wholly honest in word and mind1 the impression they make cannot help being agreeable4 ,,chapter ,v ,,talk ,,of ,,host ,,and ,,hostess ,,at ,,dinner ,the ,amalgam for ,combining ,guests--,hosts' ,talk ,during the ,quarter of an ,hour before ,dinner--,seating ,guests to ,enhance ,conversation--,number of ,guests for the ,best ,conversation--,directing the ,conversation at ,dinner--,drawing ,guests ,out--,signaling for ,conversation--,general and ,tete-a-tete ,conversation--,putting ,strangers at ,ease--,steering ,talk ,away from ,offensive ,topics--,the ,gracious ,host and ,hostess--,an ,ideal ,dinner ,party4 ,,chapter ,v ,,the ,,talk ,,of ,,host ,,and ,,hostess ,,at ,,dinner ,sydney ,smith1 by all accounts a great master of the social art1 said of himself3 ,there is one talent ,i think ,i have to a remarkable degree3 there are substances in nature called amalgams1 whose property it is to combine incongruous materials4 ,now ,i am a moral amalgam1 and have a peculiar talent for mixing up human materials in society1 however repellent their natures4 ,and certainly1 adds his biographer1 ,i have seen a party composed of materials as ill-sorted as could possibly be imagined1 drawn out and attracted together1 till at last you would believe they had been born for each other4 ,but this role of moral amalgam is such a difficult one1 it must be performed with such tact and delicacy1 that hostesses are justified in employing whatever mechanical aids are at their command4 ,in dinner-giving1 the first process of amalgamation is to select congenial people4 ,dinners are very often flat failures conversationally because guests are invited at random4 ,choosing the lesser of two evils1 it is better to run the risk of offending than to jeopardize the flow of talk by inviting uncongenial people4 ,when dinners are given to return obligations it is not always easy to arrange profitably the inviting and seating of guests4 ,but the judgment displayed just here makes or mars a dinner4 ,a good way out of the difficulty1 where hosts have obligations to people of different tastes and interests1 is to give a series of dinners1 and to send the invitations out at the same time4 ,if ,mrs4 ,x4 is asked to dine with ,mrs4 ,z4 the evening following the dinner to which ,mrs4 ,z4 has invited ,mrs4 ,y41 ,mrs4 ,x4 is not offended4 ,to see that there is no failure of tact in seating guests should be the next process of amalgamation4 ,to get the best results a great deal of care should be bestowed upon the mixture of this human salad4 ,guests should be seated in such a way that neighbors at table will interest each other2 a brilliant guest should be placed where he may at least snatch crumbs of intellectual comfort if his near companions1 tho talkative1 are not conversationalists of the highest order2 the loquacious guest should be put next to the usually taciturn1 provided he is one who can be roused to conversation when thrown with talkable people4 ,otherwise one of the hosts should devote himself to the business of promoting talk with the uncommunicative but no less interesting person4 ,a wise hostess will consider this matter of seating guests in connection with selecting and inviting them4 ,it is1 therefore1 one of the subordinate and purely mechanical processes of the real art of amalgamation4 ,if hosts forget nothing that will tempt a guest to his comfort1 they will remember above all the quarter of an hour before dinner1 and will begin the actual conquest of amalgamation while their friends are assembling4 ,by animation and cordiality they will put congenial guests in conversation with each other1 and will bring forth their mines of things old and new1 coining the ore into various sums1 large and small1 as may be needed4 ,in some highly cultured circles1 men and women are supposed to be sufficiently educated and entertaining to require no literary or childish aids to conversation4 ,every dinner-giver1 however1 knows the device of suitable quotations1 or original sayings1 or clever limericks1 on place-cards1 and the impetus they give to conversation between dinner-companions as the guests are seated4 ,but the responsibility of host and hostess does not end when they thus furnish dinner-companions a conversational cue4 ,this is why1 as has been well said by ,canon ,ainger1 a dinner party to be good for anything1 beyond the mere enjoyment of the menu1 should be neither too large nor too small4 ,some forgotten genius laid it down that the number should never be less than that of the ,graces1 nor more than that of the ,muses1 and the latter half of the epigram may be safely accepted4 ,ten as a maximum1 eight for perfection2 for then conversation can be either dialog1 or may spread and become general1 and the host or hostess has to direct no more than can profitably be watched over4 ,it is the dinner party of sixteen to twenty that is so terrible a risk4444 ,good general conversation at table among a few is now rather the exception1 from the common habit of crowding our rooms or our tables and getting rid of social obligations as if they were commercial debts4 ,indeed many of our young people have so seldom heard a general conversation that they grow up in the belief that their only duty in society will be to talk to one man or woman at a time4 ,so serious are the results of the fashion of large dinner parties4 ,for really good society no dinner-table should be too large to exclude general conversation4 ,at a banquet of thirty or forty1 for instance1 general talk is impossible4 ,at such banquets toasts and responses take the place of general talk2 but at small dinners it is gracious for a host and hostess to lead the conversation often into general paths4 ,ignoring a host and hostess through the various courses of a three hours' dining1 which ,i have already mentioned1 can as easily be the fault of the host and hostess themselves as it can be due to inattention on the part of guests4 ,a host and hostess should no more ignore any one guest than any one guest should ignore them2 and if they sit at their own table1 as ,i have sometimes seen hosts and hostesses do1 assuming no different function in the conversation than if they were the most thoughtless guest at the table of another1 they cannot expect their own guests to be anything but petrified1 however instinctively social4 ,the conversational duty of a host and hostess is1 therefore1 to the entire company of people assembled at their board1 as well as especially to their right-hand neighbors1 the guests of honor4 ,it is the express function of a host and hostess to see that each guest takes active part in general table-talk4 ,leading the talk into general paths and drawing guests out thus become identical4 ,it is this promoting of general conversation which is the backbone of all good talk4 ,many people1 however1 do not need to be drawn out4 ,mr4 ,mahaffy cautions3 ,above all1 the particular guest of the occasion1 or the person best known as a wit or story-teller1 should not be pressed or challenged at the outset1 as if he were manifestly exploited by the company4 ,such a guest can safely be left quite to himself1 unless he is a stranger4 ,as drawing out the people by whom one finds one's self surrounded in society will be treated in a forthcoming essay1 ,i shall not deal with it here further than to tell how a famous pun of ,charles ,lamb's gave a thoughtful host not only the means of swaying the conversation of the entire table to a subject of universal interest1 but as well the means of drawing out a well-informed yet timid girl4 ,guiding his talk with his near neighbor into a discussion of the pros and cons of punning1 he attracted the attention of all his guests by addressing some one at the further end of the table3 ,mr4 ,white1 we were speaking of punning as a form of wit1 and it reminded me that ,i have heard ,miss ,black1 at your left1 repeat a clever pun of ,charles ,lamb's--a retort he made when some one accused him of punning4 ,miss ,black1 can you give us that pun8 ,i'm afraid ,i've forgotten it4 ,in order that her host and all the table might hear her distinctly1 ,miss ,black pitched her voice a little higher than in talk with her near neighbors and responded quickly3 ,i'll try to remember it1 yes3 ',if ,i were punish-ed ,for every pun ,i've shed1 ,i should not have a puny shed ,wherein to lay my punished head6' ,thus ,miss ,black was not only drawn out1 she was also drawn into the conversation and became the center of an extended general discussion on the very impersonal and interesting subject of punning4 ,as the talk on punning diverged1 the conversation gradually fell back into private chats between dinner-companions4 ,a host or hostess will know intuitively when the conversation has remained tete-a-tete long enough1 and will once more make it general4 ,when guests pay due attention to their host and hostess1 the talk will naturally be carried into general channels1 especially where guests are seated a little distance away4 ,even in general conversation a good story1 if short and crisp1 is no doubt a good thing2 but when either a host or a guest does nothing but anecdote from the soup to the coffee1 story-telling becomes tiresome4 ,anecdotes should not be dragged in by the neck1 but should come naturally as the talk about many different subjects may suggest them4 ,it is the duty of the host and hostess1 and certainly their pleasure1 to make conversational paths easy for any strangers in a strange land4 ,it does not follow that a host and hostess are always well acquainted with all their guests4 ,there are instances where they have never even met some of them4 ,an invitation is extended to the house-guest of a friend2 or some person of distinction temporarily in the vicinity is invited1 the formality of previous calls being waived for this reason or that4 ,unless a hostess can feel perfectly safe in delegating to some one else the entertaining of a stranger1 it is wise to seat this guest as near to herself as possible1 even tho he is not made a guest of honor4 ,she can thus learn something about her new acquaintance and put the stranger on an equal conversational footing with the guests who know each other well4 ,in their zeal to give their friends pleasure1 a host or hostess often tells a guest that he is to take a particularly brilliant woman in to dinner1 and the woman is informed that she is to be the neighbor of a notably clever man4 ,to one whose powers are brought out by being put on his mettle this might prove the best sort of conversational tonic2 on the other hand it might be better tact to say that tho a certain person has the reputation of being exceptionally clever1 he is1 in truth1 as natural as an old shoe2 that all one has to do to entertain him is to talk ordinarily about commonplace topics4 ,in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred this is so4 ,some one is responsible for the epigram3 ,a great man always lives a great way off2 and it is true that when we come to know really great people we find that they are as much interested as any one else in the commonplaces of life4 ,indeed1 the more intellectual people are1 the more the homely things of life interest them4 ,when ,tennyson was once a passenger on a steamer crossing the ,english ,channel1 some people who had been assigned to seats opposite him in the dining saloon learned that their neighbor at table was the great poet4 ,in a flutter of interest they listened for the wisdom which would drop from the distinguished man's mouth and heard the hearty words1 ,what fine potatoes these are6 ,this particular point requires nice discernment on the part of host and hostess2 they should know when they may safely impress one guest with the cleverness of the other1 and when it would be disastrous to do so4 ,suppose the consequence is that each guest waits for the sparkling flow of wit from the other1 and to the consternation of the host and hostess there is profound silence between two really interesting people on whose cleverness they had counted to make their dinner a success6 ,it is also the province of a host and hostess tactfully to steer the drift of general table-talk away from topics likely to offend the sensibilities of any one guest4 ,hosts owe not only attention but protection to every person whom they ask to their home1 and it devolves upon them to interpose and come to the rescue if a guest is disabled in any way from doing himself any sort of conversational justice4 ,swaying conversation round and over topics embarrassing to any guest requires the utmost tact and delicacy on the part of a host and hostess2 for in keeping one guest from being wounded or embarrassed1 the offender himself must not be made to feel conscious of his misstep4 ,indeed he may be1 and usually is1 quite unconscious of the effect his words are having on those whom he does not know well4 ,any subject which is being handled dangerously must be juggled out of sight1 and the determination to juggle it must be concealed4 ,tho it is quite correct for one to say one's self1 ,i beg pardon for changing the subject abruptly1 nothing is worse form than to say to another1 ,change the subject1 or1 ,let us change the subject4 ,to do this is both rude and crude4 ,directing conversation means leading talkers unconsciously to talk of something else4 ,any guest1 as well as a host or hostess1 may graciously steer conversation when it touches a subject some phase of which is likely to offend sensitive and unsophisticated people4 ,at a series of dinners given to a circle of philosophic minds religious intolerance was largely the subject of discussion4 ,the circle1 for the most part well known to each other1 was of liberal belief4 ,a guest appeared among them1 and it was known only to one or two that this man was a sincere ,catholic4 ,as the talk turned upon religious discussion1 one of the guests so directed the conversation as to bring out the information that the stranger was a ,catholic by faith and rearing4 ,this was a very kind and appropriate thing to do4 ,it acquainted the hostess with a fact of which she was ignorant2 and it gave all present a feeling of security in whatever they might say4 ,a hospitable host and hostess will not absorb the conversation at their table4 ,they will render the gracious service of furnishing a background for the cleverness of others1 rather than display unsparingly their own brilliancy4 ,indeed1 a man or woman does not have to be brilliant or intellectual to succeed in this most gracious of social arts4 ,the host or hostess who possesses sympathy and tact will surpass in dinner-giving the most brilliant person in the world who selfishly monopolizes conversation at his own table4 ,if guests cannot go away from a dinner-table feeling better pleased with themselves1 that campaign of hospitality has been a failure4 ,when the self-satisfaction on their faces betrays the subtle art of the host and hostess in having convinced all their guests that they have made themselves interesting1 then the acme of hospitality has been achieved4 ,one of the most good-natured but most inane of men was one day chuckling at having been royally diverted at a dinner-party4 ,he was at ,mrs4 ,x's1 said some one4 ,how do you know that8 ,indeed6 ,don't ,i know her way8 ,she'd make a raven go home rivaling the nightingale4 ,to be able to make your guests better pleased with themselves is the greatest of all social accomplishments4 ,an ideal dinner party1 says a famous ,london hostess1 resembles nothing so much as a masterpiece of the jeweler's art in the center of which is some crystalline gem in the form of a sparkling and sympathetic hostess round whom the guests are arranged in an effective setting4 ,it would seem quite as necessary that a host prove a crystalline gem in this masterpiece of the jeweler's art4 ,to be signally successful at dinner-giving1 care to make the talk interesting is as necessary as care in the preparation of viands4 ,really successful hosts and hostesses take as much precaution against fatalities in conversation as against those which offend the palate4 ,while attending carefully to the polishing of the crystal and to the preparing of the menu which will make their table a delight1 they remember that the intellect of their guests must be satisfied no less than their eyes and their stomachs4 ,,chapter ,,vi ,,interruption ,,in ,,conversation ,its ,deadening ,effect on ,conversation--,habitual ,interruption--,nervous ,interruption--,glib ,talkers--,interrupting by ,over-,accuracy--,interruptions ,outside the ,conversation-,circle--,children and ,their ,interruption--,good ,talk at ,table--,anecdotes of ,children's ,appreciation of ,good ,conversation--,the ,hostess ,who ,is ,mistress of ,herself ,tho ,china ,fall4 ,,chapter ,,vi ,,interruption ,,in ,,conversation ,interruption1 more surely than anything else1 kills conversation4 ,the effusive talker who1 in spite of his facility for words1 is in no sense a conversationalist1 refuses to recognize the fact that conversation involves a partnership2 that in this company of joint interest each party has a right to his turn in the conversational engagement4 ,he ignores his conversational partners2 he breaks into their sentences with his own speech before they have their words well out of their mouths4 ,he has grown so habitual in his interrupting that he rattles on unconscious of the disgust he is producing in the mind of any well-bred1 discriminating conversationalist who hears him4 ,the best of talkers interrupt occasionally in conversation2 but the unconscious1 rude interruption of the habitual interrupter1 and the unintentional1 conscious interruption of the cultivated talker are easily discernible1 and are two very different things4 ,we are accustomed to think that children are the only offenders in interrupting2 but1 shades of the ,french salon1 the crimes of the adults6 ,the great pity about this positive phase of interrupting is that all habitual interrupters are totally unconscious that they continually break into the speeches of their conversers and literally knock their very words back into their mouths4 ,robert ,louis ,stevenson pronounced this eulogy over his friend1 ,james ,walter ,ferrier3 ,he was the only man ,i ever knew who did not habitually interrupt4 ,now1 you who read this may not believe that you are one of the violators of this first commandment of good conversation1 thou shalt not interrupt2 but stop to think what small chance you have of escape when only one acquaintance of ,stevenson's was acquitted of this crime4 ,one must become conscious of the fact that he continually interrupts before he can cease interrupting4 ,the unconsciousness is what constitutes the crime2 for conscious interruption ceases to be interruption4 ,the moment a good talker is aware of having broken into the speech of his converser1 he forestalls interruption by waiting to hear what was about to be said4 ,he instantly cuts off his own speech with the conventional courtesy-phrase1 ,i beg your pardon1 which is the same as saying1 ,pardon me for seeming to be unwilling to listen to you2 ,i really am both willing and glad to hear what you have to say4 ,and he proves his willingness by waiting until the other person can finish the thought he ventured upon4 ,what better proof that conversation is listening as well as talking8 ,sheer1 nervous inability to listen is responsible for one phase of interruption to conversation4 ,it is the interruption of the wandering eye which tells that one's words have not been heard4 ,the person next to you must be bored by my conversation1 for it is going into one of your ears and out of the other1 said a talker rather testily to his inattentive dinner-companion whose absent-minded and tardy replies had been snapping the thread of the thought until it grew intolerable4 ,she was perhaps only a little less irritating than the man who became so unconscious in the habit of inattention that on one occasion his converser had scarcely finished when he began abstractedly3 ,yes1 very odd1 very odd1 and told the identical anecdote all over again4 ,there is another phase of interrupting which proceeds from the jerky talker whose remarks are not provoked by what his conversational partner is saying1 with observation and answer1 affirmation and rejoinder1 but who waits breathlessly for a pause to jump in and tell some thought of his own4 ,of this sort of talker ,dean ,swift wrote3 ,there are people whose manners will not suffer them to interrupt you directly1 but what is almost as bad1 will discover abundance of impatience1 and lie upon the watch until you have done1 because they have started something in their own thoughts1 which they long to be delivered of4 ,meantime1 they are so far from regarding what passes that their imaginations are wholly turned upon what they have in reserve1 for fear it should slip out of their memory2 and thus they confine their invention1 which might otherwise range over a hundred things full as good1 and that might be much more naturally introduced4 ,an anecdote or a remark will keep4 ,we are not under the necessity of begrudging every moment that shortens our own innings2 of interrupting our companion by our looks and voting him an impediment to our own much better remarks4 ,a less objectionable phase of interrupting1 because it as often springs from kind thought as from arrogance1 is that of the conversationalist so anxious to prove his quickness of perception that he assumes to know what you are going to say before you have finished your sentence in your own mind1 and to put an interpretation on your arguments before you are done stating them4 ,his interpretation is as often exactly the opposite of your own as it is identical2 and1 right or wrong1 the foisted-in explanation serves only to interrupt the sequence of thought4 ,as early as #ahcb a writer in the ,new ,england ,magazine waxed wroth to pugilistic outburst against this form of interruption3 ,i have heard individuals praised for this1 as indicating a rapidity of mind which arrived at the end before the other was half through4 ,but ,i should feel as much disposed to knock a man down who took my words out of my mouth1 as one who stole my money out of my pocket4 ,such a habit may be a credit to one's powers1 but not to one's modesty or good feeling4 ,what is it but saying1 ',my dear sir1 you are making a very bungling piece of work with that sentence of yours2 allow me to finish it for you in proper style4' ,tho one is inclined to feel that this author could well have reserved his verbal scourging for more irritating forms of impertinent interruption1 it is nevertheless true that people are more entirely considerate who allow their conversational partners to finish their statements without fear of being tript up4 ,it is only lack of discrimination on the part of glib talkers to suppose that those who express themselves more deliberately are less interesting in conversation4 ,the pig is one of the most rapidly loquacious of animals1 yet no one would say that the pig is an attractive conversationalist4 ,pope may have been slow in forming the mosaic of symbols which express so superbly the fact that ,words are like leaves2 and where they most abound ,much fruit of sense beneath is rarely found1 but his deliberateness did not dim the wisdom1 or interest1 or beauty1 of his lines4 ,slow talkers1 if allowed to express themselves in their own way1 only add to the attractiveness of any group4 ,why should we enjoy characterization more in literature and in drama than in life8 ,good talking1 says ,stevenson1 is declarative of the man2 it is dramatic like an impromptu piece of acting where each should represent himself to the greatest advantage2 and that is the best kind of talk where each speaker is most fully and candidly himself1 and where1 if you should shift the speeches round from one to another1 there would be the greatest loss in significance and perspicuity4 ,the ,gradgrinds of society who are always coming down upon us with some horrible and unnecessary piece of fact are another form of interruption to good conversation4 ,they stop you to remind you that the accident happened in ,tremont ,street1 not in ,boylston2 and they suspend a pertinent point in the air to inform you that it was ,mr4 ,jones's eldest sister1 not his youngest1 who was abroad at the time of the ,san ,francisco earthquake4 ,if some one refers to an incident as having occurred on the tenth of the month1 they deem it necessary to stop the talker because they happen to know that it was on the ninth4 ,people are often their own ,gradgrinds1 interrupting themselves in the midst of a narration to correct some trivial mistake which has no bearing one way or the other on what they are saying4 ,many otherwise good talkers are at times afflicted with aphasia and lose the simplest and most familiar word at just the crucial moment--the very word which is necessary to the point they wish to make4 ,this happens more often with elderly people2 and it was on such an occasion that ,i heard a catchword fiend1 a moderately young person1 use her pet phrase as a red lantern to stop better1 if more halting1 talk4 ,mr4 ,black was telling me to-day about ,mr4 ,white's being appointed to ---- what do you call that office8 implored the dignified matron4 ,just call it anything1 ,mrs4 ,gray1 a bandersnatch1 or a buttonhook1 or a battering-ram1 impertinently suggested the glib undergraduate who had been applying these words to everybody and everything1 and who continued to do so until she had found a new catchword as the main substance of her conversation4 ,the infirmities of age1 as well as the mellowed wisdom of it1 deserve the utmost consideration1 especially from youth2 and in this instance deference in aiding the elderly woman to find her word would have been more graceful than pleasantry1 even if the pleasantry were of a less spurious kind4 ,conversation suffers from outside interruptions as much as from interrupting directly within the conversational group4 ,bringing very little children into grown-up company led ,charles ,lamb to propose the health of ,herod1 ,king of the ,jews6 ,society is no place for young children2 and if older children are permitted to be present they should be led to listen attentively and to join the conversation modestly4 ,if a child ventures an opinion or asks a question concerning the topic he is hearing discust1 he should be welcomed into the conversation4 ,his views should1 in this case1 be given the same consideration1 no matter how immature1 as the riper views of his elders2 he should be made a legitimate part of the conversational group4 ,either this1 or he should be sent entirely away4 ,there are no half measures in a matter of this sort4 ,the parent's reiterated commands to keep quiet1 or to be seen and not heard1 interrupt as much as the child's prattle4 ,furthermore1 many a child's natural aptitude for talking well has been crusht by older people stifling every thought the youngster attempted to utter4 ,a bright young girl of my acquaintance was so supprest by her parents from the age of seven to fifteen that she early acquired the habit of never opening her mouth without first getting the consent of father's eyebrow1 or mother's4 ,a child thus treated in youth grows up to be timid and halting in speech2 his individuality and spontaneity are smothered4 ,either let the children talk1 meanwhile teaching them how to converse1 or send them off to themselves where they may at least express their thoughts to citizens of their own age4 ,the very best conversational lesson that a child can be given is imparted when he is taught not to interrupt2 when he is made to understand that he must either talk according to the niceties of thoroughly good conversation or must be sent away4 ,it is often contended that children are out of place at a dining-table where even tolerable conversation is supposed to be carried on4 ,this view is no doubt well taken regarding formal dinners2 but round the family board is the best place in the world to implant in children the principles of good conversation and interesting table-talk4 ,to this end family differences and unpleasantnesses should be left behind when the family goes to the table4 ,parents should insist1 as far as possible1 that their children discuss at the dining-table only the pleasant and interesting happenings of the day4 ,first of all1 says ,mr4 ,mahaffy1 let me warn those who think it is not worth while taking trouble to talk in their family circle1 or who read the newspaper at meals1 that they are making a mistake which has far-reaching consequences4 ,it is nearly as bad as those convent schools or ladies' academies1 where either silence or a foreign tongue is imposed at meals4 ,whatever people may think of the value of theory1 there is no doubt whatever that practise is necessary for conversation2 and it is at home among those who are intimate1 and free in expressing their thoughts1 that this practise must be sought4 ,it is thus1 and thus only1 that young people can go out into the world properly provided with the only universal introduction to society--agreeable speech and manner4 ,trampling on the social and conversational rights of the young was some time ago so well commented upon in ,the ,outlook that ,i transfer part of the article to these pages4 ,the editorial emphasized also the educational advantages of good table-talk in the home3 ,there is no educational opportunity in the home more important than the talk at table4 ,children who have grown up in homes in which the talk ran on large lines and touched all the great interests of life will agree that nothing gave them greater pleasure or more genuine education4444 ,perhaps one reason why some ,american children are aggressive and lacking in respect is the frivolity of the talk that goes on in some ,american families4 ,if children are in the right atmosphere they will not be intrusive or impertinent4 ,make place for their interests1 their questions1 the problems of their experience2 for there are young as well as old perplexities4 ,encourage them to talk1 and meet them more than half-way by the utmost hospitality to the subjects that interest and puzzle them4 ,give them serious attention2 do not ridicule their confusion of statement nor belittle their troubles4444 ,do not limit the talk at table to the topics of childhood1 but make it intelligible to children4 ,some people make the mistake of 'talking down' to their children2 of turning the conversation at table into a kind of elaborate 'baby-talk'2 not realizing that they are robbing their children of hearing older people talk about the world in which they live4 ,the child is always looking ahead1 peering curiously into the mysterious world round him1 hearing strange voices from it1 getting wonderful glimpses into it4 ,at night when the murmur of voices comes upstairs1 he hears in it the sounds of a future full of great things4444 ,it is not1 therefore1 the child of six who sits at the table and listens2 it is a human spirit1 eager1 curious1 wondering1 surrounded by mysteries1 silently taking in what it does not understand to-day1 but which will take possession of it next year and become a torch to light it on its way4 ,it is through association with older people that these fructifying ideas come to the child2 it is through such talk that he finds the world he is to possess4444 ,the talk of the family ought not1 therefore1 to be directed at him or shaped for him2 but it ought never to forget him2 it ought to make a place for him4 ,apropos of children's appreciation of good talk1 this story is told of a young son of one of the clever men of ,chicago3 ,guests were present and the boy sat quietly listening to the brilliant conversation of his elders1 when his father suggested to ,paul that it was late and perhaps he had better go to bed4 ,please1 father1 let me stay1 pleaded the youngster1 ,i do so enjoy interesting conversation4 ,another and as deep a childlike appreciation comes from the classic city of our ,american ,cambridge4 ,the little daughter of one of its representative families had lain awake for hours upstairs straining her ears to hear the conversation from below4 ,when her mother came into the little one's room after her guests had gone1 the tiny lady said plaintively1 ,mother dear1 while ,i've been lying here all alone you were having such a liberal time downstairs4 ,unconscious recognition of his just right to converse occasionally with older people was exprest naively by the little son of a prominent ,atlanta family when visiting friends on a plantation4 ,i like to stay here because you let me talk every day at the table1 answered ,john1 when his host asked him why he was pleased in the country4 ,don't they let you talk every day at home1 ,john8 ,oh1 when father says 'give the kiddo a chance1' then they let me talk4 ,this appreciation of his host's welcoming him into the conversation was a rare compliment from little ,john to his older friends and to their interest in child-life4 ,another external and demoralizing interruption to talk is poor table-service4 ,there can be no good conversation at table where the talk is constantly interrupted by wordy instructions to servants4 ,a hostess who takes pride in the table-talk of her guests assures herself in advance that the maid or the butler serving the table is well trained1 in order that no questions of servants can jeopardize the flow of conversation4 ,if anything makes it necessary for serving maid or butler to confer with host or hostess1 it should be done in an undertone so that conversation is not interrupted4 ,but no matter how quietly the servant does this1 the conversation is interrupted by the mere fact that the attention of the host or hostess is diverted for even a moment from the subject being discust4 ,in the home1 as in the business office1 efficient help means efficient management4 ,it is a reflection on any hostess to have her table served so badly three hundred and sixty-five days in the year that the service is an interruption to table-talk4 ,if she were capable herself1 she would have a capable1 well-trained maid or butler4 ,if a maid or butler could not be trained properly1 her capability would show itself in dismissing that servant and getting one who could be trained4 ,to the end that conversation will not be interrupted1 the ,russian method of dining-table service is preferable to all others1 and is becoming as popular in ,america as in the rest of the world4,a ,a host and hostess can themselves1 by the very atmosphere they create1 become an unconscious element of interruption to table-talk4 ,to insure fluent conversation at table1 hosts must be free from worry2 they must cultivate imperturbability2 they must be able to ignore or smile at any accident which might happen in the best regulated family4 ,there is nothing more distasteful to guests than to observe that their host is anxious lest the arrangements of the hostess miscarry1 or that their hostess is making herself quite wretched by a fear that the dishes will not be prepared to perfection1 or over the breaking of some choice bit of crystal4 ,at a dinner recently ,i saw the hostess nervous enough to weep over an accident which demolished a treasured salad bowl2 and the result was that it took strong effort on the part of a self-sacrificing and friendly guest to keep up the pleasant flow of talk4 ,how much more tactful and delightful was the manner in which another hostess treated a similar situation4 ,the guests were startled by a crash in the butler's pantry1 and every one knew from the tinkling sound that it was cut glass4 ,after a few words of instruction quietly given1 the hostess laughingly said1 ,i hope there is enough glass in reserve so that none of you dear people will have to drink champagne from teacups4 ,this was not only a charming1 informal way of smoothing out an awkward situation1 but it gave the poor butler the necessary confidence to finish serving the dinner4 ,had the hostess been upset over the affair her agitation would have been communicated to the servants2 and instead of one mishap there might have been several4 ,a hostess should still be mistress of herself tho ,china fall4 ,in dinner-giving1 as in life1 it is the part of genius to turn disaster into advantage4 ,i was once at a dinner-party1 said an accomplisht diner-out1 apparently of undertakers hired to mourn for the joints and birds in the dishes1 when part of the ceiling fell4 ,from that moment the guests were as merry as crickets4 ,interrupting within the conversational group is perhaps the most insufferable of all impediments to rippling talk2 and interruptions from without are quite as intolerable4 ,what pleasure is there in conversation between two people1 or among three or four1 when the thought is interrupted every other remark8 ,frequent references to subjects entirely foreign to the topic under discussion give conversation much the same jerky1 sputtering ineffectualness as sticking a spigot momentarily in a faucet prevents an even flow of water from a tank4 ,people who have any feeling for really good conversation do not allow needless hindrances to destroy the continuity and joy of their intercourse with friends and acquaintances4 ,and people who do permit these interruptions are not conversationalists2 they are mere drivelers4 ,,footnote3 ,footnote ,a3 ,the author1 if addrest ,secretary for ,mary ,lavinia ,greer ,conklin1 ,post ,office ,box #abci1 ,boston1 ,massachusetts1 would be glad to give information about the ,russian method of serving1 and would be pleased1 also1 to answer questions and to correspond with readers regarding any individual conversational situation in which they may find themselves1 provided a self-addrest and stamped envelop is enclosed for reply4 ,,chapter ,,vii ,,power ,,of ,,fitness1 ,,tact1 ,,and ,,nicety ,,in ,,business ,,words ,why ,cultivating the ,social ,instinct ,adds ,strength to ,business ,persuasion--,secret of the ,ability to ,use ,tactful and ,vivid ,words in ,business--,essential ,training ,necessary to the ,nice ,use of ,words--,business ,success ,depends upon ,nicety and ,tact ,more ,than on ,any ,quality of ,force4 ,,chapter ,,vii ,,power ,,of ,,fitness1 ,,tact1 ,,and ,,nicety ,,in ,,business ,,words ,there is an aspect of business words which has to do with social tact4 ,the social tact of business words sounds incongruous on first thought4 ,business is largely force1 to be sure2 but a pleasing mien is often powerful where force would fail4 ,training in social instinct and nicety is more essential to a man's commercial interests than is visible on the face of things4 ,for instance3 ,customer 7entering store7--,i wish a tin of ',cobra' boot polish1 black4 ,dealer--,sorry1 madam1 we do not stock ',cobra1' as we are seldom asked for it4 ,do you wish polish for the class of shoes you are wearing8 ,to tell a customer abruptly1 ,we do not carry such-and-such a brand in stock has the effect of leading her immediately to turn to go4 ,this is not cordial1 nor gracious1 nor diplomatic2 hence it is unbusiness-like4 ,furthermore1 to tell a customer that the brand she mentions is seldom asked for is immediately to question her judgment4 ,the dealer1 in this case1 lost a chance to get attention on the part of his customer by failing to infer1 the moment he mentioned her shoes1 that she wore a good quality1 had good taste1 or common sense1 or some such thing4 ,his reply could have been vastly improved by an exercise of the social instinct4 ,to answer her with some non-committal1 tactful response would open up cordial relations at once and afford the chance easily and gracefully to lead the talk to another brand of polish4 ,dealer--,do you prefer ',cobra' polish1 madam8 ,for high-grade shoes such as you wear we find this brand more generally serviceable and liked4 ,telling expression1 whether in business or in the drawing-room1 depends as much upon how one says a thing as upon what one says2 as much upon what one refrains from saying as upon what one does say4 ,what is the secret of the ability to put thought into tactful as well as vivid words8 ,or is there a secret8 ,there are those who invariably say the right word in the right way4 ,the question is3 how have they found it possible to do this2 how have they learned2 how have they brought the faculty of expression to a perfected art8 ,or was this ability born in them8 ,or1 if there is a secret of proficiency1 do the adroit managers of words guard their secret carefully8 ,and if so1 why8 ,piano artists1 and violin artists1 and canvas artists1 and singing artists1 are uniformly proud of the persevering practise by which they win success4 ,why should not ready writers and ready talkers be just as proud of honest endeavor8 ,are they so vain of the praise of natural facility for expression that they seldom acknowledge the steps of progression by which they falteringly but tenaciously climb the ladder of their attainment8 ,a few great souls and masters of words have been very honest about the ways and means by which they became skilful phrase-builders4 ,robert ,louis ,stevenson1 as perfect in his talk as in his written expression1 said of himself3 ,tho considered an idler at school1 ,i was always busy on my own private ends1 which was to learn to use words4 ,i kept two books in my pocket1 one to read1 one to write in4 ,as ,i walked my mind was busy fitting what ,i saw with appropriate words4 ,as ,i sat by the roadside a penny version book would be in my hand1 to note down the features of the scene4 ,thus ,i lived with words4 ,and what ,i thus wrote was written consciously for practise4 ,i had vowed that ,i would learn to write2 it was a proficiency that tempted me1 and ,i practised to acquire it4 ,i worked in other ways also2 often accompanied my walks with dialogs and often exercised myself in writing down conversations from memory4 ,this was excellent1 no doubt2 but there was perhaps more profit1 as there was certainly more effort1 in my secret labors at home4,b ,that is the way to learn expression4 ,it was so ,keats learned1 and there was never a finer temperament for literature than ,keats's2 it was so1 if we could trace it out1 that all men have learned4 ,what1 then1 is the essential training necessary to the nice handling of words8 ,the idea is quite general that an extensive vocabulary alone makes thought flow exactly off the tip of one's tongue or pen4 ,but is this true8 ,one should have a command of words1 to be sure2 one should know more descriptive words than awful1 fierce1 fine1 charming--terms used in an unthinking way by people who do not concern themselves with specific adjectives4 ,but to know how to use a vocabulary is of even more importance than to possess one4 ,indeed1 merely to possess a vocabulary without the ability to weave the words into accurate1 characterized designs on an effective background is ruinous to the success of any talker or writer4 ,to employ an extensive vocabulary riotously is worse than to own none4 ,when the poet ,keats wrote those well-known lines1 ,a thing of beauty is a joy forever ,its loveliness increases1 the first line stood originally3 ,a thing of beauty is a constant joy4 ,the poet knew that this was the thought he wanted1 but he felt that it had not the simple1 virile swing he coveted4 ,and so the line remained for many months1 ,a thing of beauty is a constant joy1 in spite of the author's many attempted phrasings to improve it4 ,finally the simple word forever came to him1 ,a thing of beauty is a joy forever4 ,then he had it1 and he knew he had it--the essential note1 the exact word4 ,certainly the word forever was a part of ,keats's vocabulary2 he undoubtedly knew this simple word4 ,it was not the word1 but adroitness in using it1 which made ,keats's lines complete in their polished and natural perfection4 ,one of the world's worshiped piano virtuosi1 who has quite as intellectual a comprehension of words as of music1 was asked by the editor of a magazine to contribute biographical data and photographs for an article on musical composers4 ,the pianiste had published no compositions1 and the gracious answer swung readily into line3 ,if your article is to deal exclusively with musical composers1 ,i cannot be included4 ,i have never published any of my compositions because ,i feel that they cannot add anything to my reputation as a pianiste1 of which ,i am---- ,just here1 as with ,keats's line1 vocabulary could not serve the purpose4 ,the pianiste could have said of which ,i am proud4 ,no1 a modest phrase must express honest pride--my reputation as a pianiste which ,i guard sedulously1 or defend zealously4 ,no1 this the exactness and simplicity of true art rejected4 ,then came the simple1 perfect phrasing--my reputation as a pianiste1 of which ,i am somewhat jealous4 ,unquestionably1 as with ,keats's word forever1 the word jealous was perfectly familiar4 ,it was not any one exceptional word which was necessary1 but a weaving of simple words--if ,i may be permitted the expression4 ,here1 in order to get the effect desired this master-mind refrained from using a vocabulary4 ,words came readily enough2 but the tongue was in command of silence because pretentious words failed the end4 ,this perfection of expression is not a matter of vocabulary alone4 ,it is more than vocabulary2 it is a grappling after the really subtle and intellectual elements of the art of expression and persuasion4 ,of what use all the delicately tinted tapestry threads in the world1 spread out before a tapestry-worker1 if he does not possess the ability to weave them into faultless designs1 employing his colors sparingly here1 and lavishly there8 ,one's tongue and pen should be in absolute command1 whether for silence or attack1 says ,stevenson again2 and1 more than on any quality of force1 business success depends upon that same nicety in the use of words which selects the tactful expression1 the modest and simple phrase1 in the drawing-room2 the sort of nicety which is unobtrusive exactness and delicacy2 an artistry which in no way labels itself skilful4 ,but underneath all1 the woof of the process is social skill--that skill which is the ability to go back to unadorned first principles with the dexterity of one who has acquired the power to do the simple thing perfectly by having mastered the entire gamut of the complex4 ,,footnote3 ,footnote ,b3 ,even ,stevenson acknowledged secrecy in his earlier climbings4 ,,chapter ,,viii ,,conclusion ,conversation ,is ,reciprocal--,good ,conversationalists ,cannot ,talk to the ,best ,advantage without ,confederates--,as in ,whist1 ,it ,is the ,combination ,which ,effects ,what a ,single ,whist-playing ,genius ,cannot ,accomplish--,good ,conversation ,does not ,mark a ,distinction among ,subjects2 ,it ,denotes a ,difference in ,talkability--,the ,different ,degrees of ,talkability--,imperturbable ,glibness ,impedes ,good ,conversation--,ease with ,which ,one ,may ,improve ,one's ,conversational ,powers4 ,,chapter ,,viii ,,conclusion ,good conversation1 then1 is like a well-played game of whist4 ,each has to give and take2 each has to deal regularly round to all the players2 to signal and respond to signals2 to follow suit or to trump with pleasantry or jest4 ,and neither you yourself1 nor any other of the players1 can win the game if even one refuses to be guided by its rules4 ,it is the combination which effects what a single whist-playing genius could not accomplish4 ,good conversation1 therefore1 consists no more in the thing communicated than in the manner of communicating2 no more than good whist consists entirely in playing the cards without recognizing even one of the rules of the game4 ,one cannot talk well about either cabbages or kings with one whose attention wanders2 with one who delivers a sustained soliloquy1 or lecture1 and calls it conversation2 with one who refuses to enter into amicable discussion2 or1 when in1 does nothing but contradict flatly2 with one who makes abrupt transitions of thought every time he opens his mouth2 with one1 in short1 who has never attempted to discover even a few of the thousand and one essential hindrances and aids to conversation4 ,as ,david could not walk as well when sheathed in ,saul's armor1 so even nimble minds cannot do themselves justice when surrounded by people whose every utterance is demoralizing to any orderly and stimulating exchange of ideas4 ,for wit is like a rest ,held up at tennis1 which men do the best ,with the best players1 said ,sir ,foppling ,flutter2 and few would refuse to admit that fortunate circumstances of companionship are as much a factor of good conversation as is native cleverness4 ,satisfactory conversation does not depend upon whether it is between those intellectually superior or inferior1 or between strangers or acquaintances2 but upon whether1 mentally superior or inferior1 known or unknown1 each party to the conversation talks with due recognition of its first principles4 ,there are1 to be sure1 different classes of talkers4 ,there are those of the glory of the sun and others of the glory of the moon4 ,it is easy enough to catch the note of the company in which one finds one's self2 but the most entertaining and captivating person in the world is petrified when he can not put his finger on one confederate who understands the simplest mandates of his art1 whether talking badinage or wisdom4 ,without intelligent listeners1 the best talker is at sea2 and any good conversationalist is defeated when he is the only member of a crowd of interrupters who scream each other down4 ,conversation is essentially reciprocal1 and when a good converser flings out his ball of thought he knows just how the ball should come back to him1 and feels balked and defrauded if his partner is not even watching to catch it1 much less showing any intention of tossing it back on precisely the right curve4 ,the habit of interruption1 says ,bagehot1 is a symptom of mental deficiency2 it proceeds from not knowing what is going on in other people's minds4 ,it is impossible for a good talker to talk to any advantage with a companion who does not concern himself in the least with anybody's mental processes--not even his own4 ,given conversation which is marked by conformity to all its unwritten precepts1 ,men and women then range themselves1 says ,henry ,thomas ,buckle1 into three classes or orders of intelligence4 ,you can tell the lowest class by their habit of talking about nothing else but persons2 the next by the fact that their habit is always to talk about things2 the highest by their preference for the discussion of ideas4 ,discussion is the most delightful of all conversation1 if the company are up to it2 it is the highest type of talk1 but suited only to the highest type of individuals4 ,therefore1 a person who in one circle might observe a prudent silence may in another very properly be the chief talker4 ,highly bred and cultured people have attained a certain unity of type1 and are interested in the same sort of conversation4 ,talk depends so wholly on our company1 says ,stevenson4 ,we should like to introduce ,falstaff and ,mercutio1 or ,falstaff and ,sir ,toby2 but ,falstaff in talk with ,cordelia seems even painful4 ,most of us1 by the ,protean quality of man1 can talk to some degree with all2 but the true talk that strikes out all the slumbering best of us comes only with the peculiar brethren of our spirits4444 ,and hence1 ,i suppose1 it is that good talk most commonly arises among friends4 ,talk is1 indeed1 both the scene and the instrument of friendship4 ,on the whole1 then1 the very best social intercourse is possible only when there is equality4 ,hazlitt in one of his delightful essays has said that1 ,in general1 wit shines only by reflection4 ,you must take your cue from your company--must rise as they rise1 and sink as they fall4 ,you must see that your good things1 your knowing allusions1 are not flung away1 like the pearls in the adage4 ,what a check it is to be asked a foolish question2 to find that the first principles are not understood6 ,you are thrown on your back immediately2 the conversation is stopt like a country-dance by those who do not know the figure4 ,but when a set of adepts1 of illuminati1 get about a question1 it is worth while to hear them talk4 ,if we are to have a rising generation of good talkers1 by our own choice and deliberate aim social intercourse should be freed from the barbarisms which so often hamper it4 ,conversation at its highest is the most delightful of intellectual stimulants2 at its lowest the most deadening to intellect4 ,better be as silent as a deaf-mute than to indulge carelessly in imperturbable glibness which impedes rather than encourages good conversation4 ,really clever people dislike to compete in a race with talkers who rarely speak from the abundance of their hearts and often from the emptiness of their heads4 ,on the other hand1 one can easily imagine a sage like ,emerson the victim of conceited prigs1 listening to their vapid conversational performances1 and can readily understand why he considered conversation between two congenial souls the only really good talk4 ,marked conversational powers are in some measure natural and in some acquired2 and to maintain1 says ,mr4 ,mahaffy1 that they depend entirely upon natural gifts is one of the commonest and most widely-spread popular errors4444 ,it is based on the mistake that art is opposed to nature2 that natural means merely what is spontaneous and unprepared1 and artistic what is manifestly studied and artificial4444 ,ask any child of five or six years old1 anywhere over ,europe1 to draw you the figure of a man1 and it will always produce very much the same kind of thing4 ,you might therefore assert that this was the natural way for a child to draw a man1 and yet how remote from nature it is4 ,if one or two children out of a thousand made a fair attempt1 you would attribute this either to special genius or special training--and why8 because the child had really approached nature4 ,just as a child1 either with talent for drawing or without it1 can draw a better picture of a man after he has been trained1 than before1 so can those not endowed by nature with ready speech polish and amend their natural defects4 ,neither need there be artificiality or affectation in talk that is consciously cultivated2 no more indeed than it is affectation to eat with a fork because one knows that it is preferable to eating with a knife4 ,the faculty of talking is too seldom regarded in the light of a talent to be polished and variously improved4 ,it is so freely employed in all sorts of trivialities that1 like the dyer's hand1 it becomes subdued to that it works in4 ,canon ,ainger has declared positively that ,conversation might be improved if only people would take pains and have a few lessons4 ,nearly two hundred years before ,canon ,ainger came to this decision1 ,dean ,swift contended that ,conversation might be reduced to perfection2 for here we are only to avoid a multitude of errors1 which1 altho a matter of some difficulty1 may be in every man's power4 ,therefore it seems that the truest way to understand conversation is to know the faults and errors to which it is subject1 and from thence every man to form maxims to himself whereby it may be regulated1 because it requires few talents to which most men are not born1 or at least may not acquire1 without any great genius or study4 ,for nature has left every man a capacity for being agreeable1 tho not of shining in company2 and there are hundreds of people sufficiently qualified for both1 who1 by a very few faults that they might correct in half an hour1 are not so much as tolerable4 ,it is recorded of ,lady ,blessington by ,lord ,lennox in his ,drafts on ,my ,memory that in youth she did not give any promise of the charms for which she was afterwards so conspicuous1 and which1 in the first half of the nineteenth century1 made ,gore ,house in ,london famous for its hospitality4 ,a marriage at an early age to a man subject to hereditary insanity was terminated by her husband's sudden death1 and in #ahah she married the ,earl of ,blessington4 ,everything goes to prove that1 in those few years during her first husband's life1 she set herself earnestly to cultivating charm of manner and the art of conversation4 ,talking well is given so little serious consideration that the average person1 when he probes even slightly into the art1 is as surprized as was ,moliere's bourgeois gentilhomme upon discovering that he had spoken prose for forty years4 ,plato says3 ,whosoever seeketh must know that which he seeketh for in a general notion1 else how shall he know it when he hath found it8 ,and if what ,i write on this subject enables readers to know for what they seek in good conversation1 even in abstract fashion1 ,i shall be grateful4 ,when all people cultivate the art of conversation as assiduously as the notably good talkers of the world have done1 there will be a general feast of reason and flow of soul2 each will then say to the other1 in ,milton's words1 ,with thee conversing1 ,i forget all time4 ,,in ,,preparation3 ,the ,art of ,drawing ,others ,out ,conversation versus ,mere ,talk ,following the ,trend of the ,conversation2 ,abrupt ,transitions of ,thought ,listening in ,conversation ,some ,common ,errors in ,making ,introductions ,raconteurs and ,their ,anecdotes ,commonplaces of ,conversation ,subjects for ,conversation2 ,book ,talk ,the ,give and ,take of ,talk ,distinction ,between ,inquisitive ,questioning and ,interest ,questions ,justifiable ,limits of ,wit1 ,raillery1 and ,humor ,the ,use and ,abuse of ,slang ,small ,talk3 ,glib ,talkers ,adjusting ,shop to the ,time1 the ,place1 and the ,situation ,giving and ,accepting ,compliments ,joking and ,jesting2 ,difference ,between ,pleasantry and ,buffoonery ,a ,softened ,mode of ,speech ,brutal ,frankness and ,intellectual ,honesty ,thrusting and ,parrying in ,conversation ,the ,value in ,conversation of ,knowing ,who's ,who 99 99 99 99 99 ,transcriber's note ,the following changes have been made to the text3 ,page #da3 it isn't so changed to ,it isn't so4 ,page #fe3 ,tannhaueser changed to ,tannhaeuser4