,/epp+ ,heav5w>d by ,mrs4 ,e4 ,pr5tiss ,*apt] #a ,i4 ,janu>y #ae1 #ahca4 ,h[ dreadfully old ,i am gett+6 ,sixte56 ,well1 ,i don't see z ,i c help x4 ,!re x is 9 ! big ,bible 9 fa!r's own h&3 ,ka!r9e1 born ,jan4 #ae1 #ahae4 ,i meant to get up e>ly ?is morn+1 b x look$ dismally cold out ( doors1 & felt delightfully w>m 9 b$4 ,s ,i cov]$ myself up1 & made ev] s _m good resolutions4 ,i det]m9$1 9 ! fir/ place1 to beg9 ?is ,j\rnal4 ,to be sure1 ,i h begun half a doz51 & got tir$ ( !m aft] a :ile4 ,n tir$ ( writ+ !m1 b disgu/$ ) :at ,i _h to say ( myself4 ,b ?is "t ,i mean to g on1 9 spite ( ev]y?+4 ,x w d me good to read x ov]1 & see :at a creature ,i am4 ,!n ,i resolv$ to d m to please "m ?an ,i h done4 ,& ,i det]m9$ to make "o m ef=t to conqu] my ha/y temp]4 ,i ?\ght1 too1 ,i w\ld be self-d5y+ ?is w9t]1 l ! p "o reads ab\t 9 books4 ,i fanci$ h[ surpris$ & pleas$ ev]ybody w\ld be to see me s mu* improv$6 ,"t pass$ quickly amid ^! agreeable ?\ghts1 & ,i 0 q />tl$ to he> ! bell r+ = pray]s4 ,i jump$ up 9 a great flurry & dress$ z quickly z ,i c\ld4 ,ev]y?+ conspir$ toge!r to plague me4 ,i c\ld n f9d a clean coll>1 or a h&k]*ief4 ,x is always j s4 ,susan is =ev] pok+ my ?+s into out-(-!-way places6 ,:5 at la/ ,i w5t d[n1 !y 7 all at breakfa/4 ,i hop$ y w\ld celebrate y\r bir?day1 de>1 by com+ d[n 9 good season1 said "m4 ,i d hate to be f\nd fault )1 s ,i fir$ up 9 an in/ant4 ,if p hide my ?+s s t ,i c't f9d !m1 ( c\rse ,i h to be late1 ,i said4 ,& ,i r ?9k ,i said x 9 a v cross way1 = "m sigh$ a little4 ,i wi% "m w\ldn't sigh4 ,i w\ld r be call$ names out & out4 ,! mom5t breakfa/ 0 ov] ,i _h to hurry (f to s*ool4 ,j z ,i 0 go+ out "m said1 ,h y y\r ov]%oes1 de>8 ,oh1 "m1 don't h9d] me6 ,i %all be late1 ,i said4 ,i don't ne$ ov]%oes4 ,x sn[$ all night1 & ,i ?9k y d ne$ !m1 "m said4 ,i don't "k :]e !y are4 ,i hate ov]%oes4 ,d let me g1 "m1 ,i cri$4 ,i d wi% ,i c\ld ev] h my own way4 ,y %all h x n[1 my *ild1 "m said1 & w5t away4 ,n[ :at 0 ! use ( h] call+ me my *ild 9 su* a tone1 ,i %\ld l to "k4 ,i hurri$ (f1 & j z ,i got to ! door ( ! s*oolroom x fla%$ into my m9d t ,i _h n said my pray]s6 ,a nice way to beg9 on "o's bir?day1 to be sure6 ,well1 ,i _h n "t4 ,& p]haps my good resolutions pleas$ ,god almo/ z mu* z "o ( my rambl+ /upid pray]s c\ld4 ,= ,i mu/ own ,i c't make good pray]s4 ,i c't ?9k ( any?+ to say4 ,i (t5 wond] :at "m f9ds to say :5 %e is %ut up by ! h\r toge!r4 ,i _h a pretty good "t at s*ool4 ,my tea*]s prais$ me1 & ,amelia seem$ s fond ( me6 ,%e br\ght me a bir?day pres5t ( a purse t %e _h knit = me h]self1 & a net = my hair4 ,nets are j com+ into fa%ion4 ,x w save a good deal ( "t my hav+ ?is "o4 ,in/ead ( comb+ & comb+ & comb+ my old hair to get x glossy en\gh to suit "m1 ,i c j give x "o twi/ & "o squeeze & ! :ole ?+ w be settl$ = ! day4 ,amelia wrote me a de> little note1 ) h] pres5ts4 ,i d really believe %e loves me de>ly4 ,x is s nice to h p love y6 ,:5 ,i got home "m call$ me into h] room4 ,%e look$ z if %e _h be5 cry+4 ,%e said ,i gave h] a great deal ( pa9 by my self-w & ill temp] & conceit4 ,conceit6 ,i scream$ out4 ,oh1 "m1 if y only knew h[ horrid ,i ?9k ,i am6 ,"m smil$ a little4 ,!n %e w5t on ) h] li/ till %e made me out ! wor/ creature 9 ! _w4 ,i bur/ out cry+1 & 0 runn+ (f to my room1 b %e made me come back & he> ! re/4 ,%e said my "* w\ld be ess5tially =m$ by ! "t ,i rea*$ my tw5tie? ye>1 & left x to me to say if ,i wi%$ to be z a woman :at ,i 0 n[ z a girl4 ,i felt sulky1 & w\ld n answ]4 ,i 0 %ock$ to ?9k ,i _h got only f\r ye>s 9 :i* to improve1 b aft] all a good deal c\ld be done 9 t "t4 ,( c\rse ,i don't want to be always exactly :at ,i am n[4 ,"m w5t on to say t ,i _h 9 me ! elem5ts ( a f9e "* if ,i w\ld only conqu] "s ( my faults4 ,y are frank & tru?ful1 %e said1 & 9 "s ?+s consci5ti\s4 ,i hope y are really a *ild ( ,god1 & are try+ to please ,him4 ,& x is my daily pray] t y may become a lovely1 lov+1 useful woman4 ,i made no answ]4 ,i want$ to say some?+1 b my tongue w\ldn't move4 ,i 0 angry ) "m1 & angry ) myself4 ,at la/ ev]y?+ came out all 9 a ru%1 mix$ up ) su* floods ( te>s t ,i ?\ght "m's he>t w\ld melt1 & t %e w\ld take back :at %e _h said4 ,amelia's "m nev] talks s to h]6 ,i said4 ,%e praises h]1 & tells h] :at a com=t %e is to h]4 ,b j z ,i am try+ z h>d z ,i c to be good1 & mak+ resolutions1 & all t1 y scold me & disc\rage me6 ,"m's voice 0 v s(t & g5tle z %e ask$1 ,d y call ?is 'scold+1' my *ild8 ,& ,i don't l to be call$ conceit$1 ,i w5t on4 ,i "k ,i am p]fectly horrid1 & ,i am j z unhappy z ,i c be4 ,i am v sorry = y1 de>1 "m repli$4 ,b y mu/ be> ) me4 ,o!r p w see y\r faults1 b only y\r "m w h ! c\rage to speak ( !m4 ,n[ g to y\r own room1 & wipe away ! traces ( y\r te>s t ! re/ ( ! family may n "k t y h be5 cry+ on y\r bir?day4 ,%e kiss$ me b ,i did n kiss h]4 ,i really believe ,satan himself h9d]$ me4 ,i ran across ! hall to my room1 slamm$ ! door1 & lock$ myself 94 ,i 0 go+ to ?r[ myself on ! b$ & cry till ,i 0 sick4 ,!n ,i %\ld look pale & tir$1 & !y w\ld all pity me4 ,i d l s to be piti$6 ,b on ! table1 by ! w9d[1 ,i saw a beautiful new desk 9 place ( ! old clumsy ?+ ,i _h be5 spatt]+ & spoil+ s _m ye>s4 ,a little note1 full ( love1 said x 0 f "m1 & begg$ me to read & reflect ^u a few v]ses ( a ta/efully b\nd copy ( ! ,bible1 :i* accompani$ x e day ( my life4 ,a few v]ses1 %e said1 c>efully read & pond]$1 in/ead ( a *apt] or two read = m]e =m's sake4 ,i look$ at my desk1 :i* conta9$ exactly :at ,i want$1 pl5ty ( pap]1 seals1 wax & p5s4 ,i always use wax4 ,waf]s are vulg>4 ,!n ,i op5$ ! ,bible at r&om1 & light$ on ^! words3 ,wat*1 !re=e1 = ye "k n :at h\r y\r ,"l do? come4 ,!re 0 no?+ v *e]+ 9 t4 ,i felt a real repugnance to be always on ! wat*1 ?9k+ ,i might die at any mom5t4 ,i am sure ,i am n fit to die4 ,besides ,i want to h a good "t1 ) no?+ to worry me4 ,i hope ,i %all live ev] s long4 ,p]haps 9 ! c\rse ( =ty or fifty ye>s ,i may get tir$ ( ?is _w & want to leave x4 ,& ,i hope by t "t ,i %all be a great deal bett] ?an ,i am n[1 & fit to g to heav54 ,i wrote a note to "m on my new desk1 & ?ank$ h] = x ,i told h] %e 0 ! be/ "m 9 ! _w1 & t ,i 0 ! wor/ daught]4 ,:5 x 0 done ,i did n l x1 & s ,i wrote ano!r4 ,!n ,i w5t d[n to d9n] & felt bett]4 ,we _h su* a nice d9n]6 ,ev]y?+ ,i lik$ be/ 0 on ! table4 ,"m _h n =gott5 "o ( all ! da9ties ,i l4 ,amelia 0 !re too4 ,"m _h invit$ h] to give me a little surprise4 ,x is b$time n[1 & ,i mu/ say my pray]s & g to b$4 ,i h got all *ill$ ?r\gh1 writ+ "h 9 ! cold4 ,i believe ,i w say my pray]s 9 b$1 j = ?is once4 ,i d n feel sleepy1 b ,i am sure ,i ought n to sit up ano!r mom5t4 ,,jan4 #cj4-;,"h ,i am at my desk once m4 ,!re is a fire 9 my room1 & "m is sitt+ by x1 read+4 ,i c't see :at book x is1 b ,i h no d\bt x is ,?omas ,a ,kempis4 ,h[ %e c g on read+ x s ye> aft] ye>1 ,i _c imag9e4 ,= my "p ,i l some?+ new4 ,b ,i mu/ g back to :]e ,i left (f4 ,t night :5 ,i /opp$ writ+1 ,i hurri$ to b$ z fa/ z ,i c\ld1 = ,i felt cold & tir$4 ,i rememb] say+1 ,oh1 ,god1 ,i am a%am$ to pray1 & !n ,i began to ?9k ( all ! ?+s t _h happ5$ t day1 & nev] knew ano!r ?+ till ! ris+ bell rang & ,i f\nd x 0 morn+4 ,i am sure ,i did n mean to g to sleep4 ,i ?9k n[ x 0 wrong = me to be su* a c[>d z to try to say my pray]s 9 b$ because ( ! cold4 ,:ile ,i 0 writ+ ,i did n once ?9k h[ ,i felt4 ,well1 ,i jump$ up z soon z ,i he>d ! bell1 b f\nd ,i _h a dreadful pa9 9 my side1 & a c\gh4 ,susan says ,i c\gh$ all night4 ,i rememb]$ !n t ,i _h j su* a c\gh & j su* a pa9 ! la/ "t ,i walk$ 9 ! sn[ )\t ov]%oes4 ,i crept back to b$ feel+ ab\t z mean z ,i c\ld4 ,"m s5t up to "k :y ,i did n come d[n1 & ,i _h to own t ,i 0 sick4 ,%e came up directly look+ s anxi\s6 ,& "h ,i h be5 %ut up ev] s9ce2 only to day ,i am sitt+ up a little4 ,poor "m has _h tr\ble en\gh ) me2 ,i "k ,i h be5 cross & unreasonable1 & x 0 all my own fault t ,i 0 ill4 ,ano!r "t ,i w d z "m says4 ,,jan4 #ca4-;,h[ easy x is to make good resolutions1 & h[ easy x is to break !m6 ,j z ,i _h got s f>1 ye/]day1 "m spoke = ! ?ird "t ab\t my ex]t+ myself s mu*4 ,& j at t mom5t ,i fa9t$ away1 & %e _h a great "t all alone !re ) me4 ,i did n realize h[ long ,i _h be5 writ+1 nor h[ weak ,i 04 ,i d wond] if ,i %all ev] really le>n t "m kn[s m ?an ,i d6 ,feb4 #ag4-;,x is m ?an a mon? s9ce ,i took t cold1 & "h ,i /ill am1 %ut up 9 ! h\se4 ,to be sure ! doctor lets me g d[n /airs1 b !n he won't li/5 to a ^w ab\t s*ool4 ,oh1 de>6 ,all ! girls w get ahead ( me4 ,?is is ,sunday1 & ev]ybody has gone to *ur*4 ,i ?\ght ,i ought to make a good use ( ! "t :ile !y 7 gone1 s ,i took ! ,memoir ( ,h5ry ,m>tyn1 & read a little 9 t4 ,i am afraid ,i am n mu* l him4 ,!n ,i knelt d[n & tri$ to pray4 ,b my m9d 0 full ( all sorts ( ?+s1 s ,i ?\ght ,i w\ld wait till ,i 0 9 a bett] frame4 ,at noon ,i disput$ ) ,james ab\t ! "n ( an apple4 ,he 0 v provok+1 & said he 0 ?ankful he _h n got su* a temp] z ,i _h4 ,i cri$1 & "m reprov$ him = teas+ me1 say+ my illness _h left me n]v\s & irritable4 ,james repli$ t x _h left me :]e x f\nd me1 !n4 ,i cri$ a good :ile1 ly+ on ! s(a1 & !n ,i fell asleep4 ,i don't see z ,i am any ! bett] = ?is ,sunday1 x has only made me feel unhappy & out ( sorts4 ,i am sure ,i pray to ,god to make me bett]1 & :y doesn't ,he8 ,feb4 #bj4-;,x has be5 q a mild day = ! season1 & ! doctor said ,i might drive out4 ,i enjoy$ gett+ ! air v mu*4 ,i feel j well z ev]1 & long to get back to s*ool4 ,i ?9k ,god has be5 v good to me 9 mak+ me well aga91 & wi% ,i lov$ ,him bett]4 ,b1 oh1 ,i am n sure ,i d love ,him6 ,i hate to own x to myself1 & to write x d[n "h1 b ,i w4 ,i d n love to pray4 ,i am always eag] to get x ov] ) & out ( ! way s z to h leisure to enjoy myself4 ,i mean t ?is is usually s4 ,?is morn+ ,i cri$ a good deal :ile ,i 0 on my knees1 & felt sorry = my quick temp] & all my bad ways4 ,if ,i always felt s1 p]haps pray+ w\ld n be su* a task4 ,i wi% ,i knew :e!r anybody exactly z bad z ,i am ev] got to heav5 at la/4 ,i h read ev] s _m memoirs1 & !y 7 all ab\t p :o 7 too good to live1 & s di$2 or else w5t on a mission4 ,i am n at all l any ( !m4 ,m>* #bf4-;,i h be5 s busy t ,i h n said mu* to y1 y poor old j\rnal1 y1 h ,i8 ,someh[ ,i h be5 behav+ q nicely lately4 ,ev]y?+ has gone on exactly to my m9d4 ,"m has n f\nd fault ) me once1 & fa!r has prais$ my draw+s & seem$ pr\d ( me4 ,he says he %all n tell me :at my tea*]s say ( me le/ x %\ld make me va94 ,& once or twice :5 he has met me s++ & frisk+ ab\t ! h\se he has kiss$ me & call$ me 8 de> little ,flibb]tigibbet1 if t's ! way to spell x4 ,:5 he says t ,i "k he is v fond ( me4 ,we are all v happy toge!r :5 no?+ goes wrong4 ,9 ! long ev5+s we all sit ar\nd ! table ) our books & our "w1 & "o ( u reads al\d4 ,"m *ooses ! book & takes h] turn 9 read+4 ,%e reads beautifully4 ,( c\rse ! read+s d n beg9 till ! lessons are all le>n$4 ,z to me1 my lessons j take no "t at all4 ,i h only to read !m ov] once1 & !re !y are4 ,s ,i h a good deal ( "t to read1 & ,i dev\r all ! poetry ,i c get hold (4 ,i w\ld r read ,pollok's ,c\rse ( ,"t ?an read no?+ at all4 ,,april #b4-,!re are ?ree ( "m's fri5ds liv+ ne> u1 ea* hav+ lots ( little *ildr54 ,x is p]fectly ridicul\s h[ mu* ^? creatures are sick4 ,!y s5d = "m if s mu* z a pimple comes out on "o ( _! faces4 ,:5 ,i h *ildr5 ,i don't mean to h su* go+s on4 ,i %all be c>eful ab\t :at !y eat1 & keep !m f gett+ cold1 & !y w keep well ( _! own accord4 ,mrs4 ,jones has j s5t = "m to see h] ,tommy4 ,x 0 s provok+4 ,i _h coax$ h] into lett+ me h a black silk apron2 !y are all ! fa%ion n[1 embroid]$ 9 floss silk4 ,i _h drawn a lovely v9e = m9e entirely out ( my own head1 & "m 0 go+ to arrange ! patt]n = me :5 t message came1 & %e _h to g4 ,i don't believe any?+ ails ! *ild6 a great *ubby ?+6 ,april #c4-,poor ,mrs4 ,jones6 ,h] de> little ,tommy is dead6 ,i /ay$ at home f s*ool to-day & _h all ! o!r *ildr5 "h to get !m out ( _! "m's way4 ,h[ dreadfully %e mu/ feel6 ,"m cri$ :5 %e told me h[ ! de> little fell[ suff]$ 9 8 la/ mom5ts4 ,x rem9d$ h] ( my little bro!rs :o di$ 9 ! same way1 j be=e ,i 0 born4 ,de> "m6 ,i wond] ,i ev] =get :at tr\bles %e has _h1 & am n always sweet & lov+4 ,%e has gone n[1 :]e %e always goes :5 %e feels sad1 /raight to ,god4 ,( c\rse %e did n say s1 b ,i "k "m4 ,april #be4-;,i h n be5 d[n 9 season once ?is week4 ,i h p]suad$ "m to let me read "s ( ,scott's novels1 & h sat up late & be5 sleepy 9 ! morn+4 ,i wi% ,i c\ld get along ) "m z nicely z ,james does4 ,he is late f> (t5] ?an ,i am1 b he nev] gets into su* scrapes ab\t x z ,i d4 ,?is is :at happ5s4 ,he comes d[n :5 x suits him4 ,"m beg9s4-,james1 ,i am v mu* displeas$ ) y4 ,james4-,i %\ld ?9k y w\ld be1 "m4 ,"m1 mollifi$4-,i don't ?9k y des]ve any breakfa/4 ,james1 hypocritically4-,no1 ,i don't ?9k ,i d1 "m4 ,!n "m hurries (f & gets some?+ extra = 8 breakfa/4 ,n[ let u see h[ ?+s g on :5 ,i am late4 ,"m4-,ka!r9e 7%e always calls me ,ka!r9e :5 %e is displeas$1 & spells x ) a ,k71 ,ka!r9e1 y are late aga92 h[ c y annoy y\r fa!r s8 ,ka!r9e4-,( c\rse ,i don't d x to annoy fa!r or anybody else4 ,b if ,i ov]sleep myself1 x is n my fault4 ,"m4-,i w\ld g to b$ at eight o'clock r ?an be late z (t5 z y4 ,h[ %\ld y l x if ,i 7 n d[n to pray]s8 ,ka!r9e1 mutt]+4-,( c\rse t is v diff]5t4 ,i don't see :y ,i %\ld be blam$ = ov]sleep+ any m ?an ,james4 ,i get all ! scold+s4 ,"m sighs & goes (f4 ,i pr[l r\nd & get :at scraps ( breakfa/ ,i c4 ,may #ab4-,! wea!r is gett+ p]fectly delici\s4 ,i am sitt+ ) my w9d[ op51 & my bird is s++ ) all 8 he>t4 ,i wi% ,i 0 z gay z he is4 ,i h be5 ?9k+ lately t x 0 ab\t "t to beg9 on "s ( ^? pieces ( self-d5ial ,i resolv$ on ^u my bir?day4 ,i c\ld n ?9k ( any?+ great en\gh = a long "t4 ,at la/ an idea popp$ into my head4 ,half ! girls at s*ool envy me because ,amelia is s fond ( me1 & ,jane ,und]hill1 9 p>ticul>1 is j crazy to get intimate ) h]4 ,b ,i h kept ,amelia all to myself4 ,to-day ,i said to h]1 ,amelia1 ,jane ,und]hill admires y above all ?+s4 ,i h a good m9d to let y be z intimate ) h] z y are ) me4 ,x w be a great piece ( self-d5ial1 b ,i ?9k x is my duty4 ,%e is a /rang]1 & nobody seems to l h] mu*4 ,y de> ?+1 y6 cri$ ,amelia1 kiss+ me4 ,i lik$ ,jane ,und]hill ! mom5t ,i saw h]4 ,%e has su* a sweet face & su* pleasant mann]s4 ,b y are s jeal\s t ,i nev] d>$ to %[ h[ ,i lik$ h]4 ,don't be vex$1 de>ie2 if y are jeal\s x is y\r only fault6 ,%e !n ru%$ (f1 & ,i saw h] kiss t girl exactly z %e kisses me6 ,?is 0 9 recess4 ,i w5t to my desk & made believe ,i 0 /udy+4 ,pretty soon ,amelia came back4 ,%e is a sweet girl1 %e said1 & only to ?9k6 ,%e writes poetry6 ,j he> ?is6 ,x is a little poem address$ to me4 ,isn't x nice ( h]8 ,i pret5d$ n to he> h]4 ,i 0 z full ( all sorts ( horrid feel+s z ,i c\ld hold4 ,x enrag$ me to ?9k t ,amelia1 aft] all h] pr(essions ( love to me1 %\ld snat* at ! fir/ *ance ( gett+ a new fri5d4 ,!n ,i 0 mortifi$ because ,i 0 enrag$1 & ,i c\ld h torn myself to pieces = be+ su* a fool z to let ,amelia see h[ silly ,i 04 ,i don't "k :at to make ( y1 ,katy1 %e said1 putt+ h] arms r\nd me4 ,h ,i done any?+ to vex y8 ,come1 let u make up & be fri5ds1 :atev] x is4 ,i w read y ^! sweet v]ses2 ,i am sure y w l !m4 ,%e read !m 9 h] cle>1 pleasant voice4 ,h[ c y h ! vanity to read su* /uff8 ,i cri$4 ,amelia color$ a little4 ,y h said & writt5 mu* m flatt]+ ?+s to me1 %e repli$4 ,p]haps x has turn$ my head1 & made me too ready to believe :at o!r p say4 ,%e fold$ ! pap]1 & put x into h] pocket4 ,we walk$ home toge!r1 aft] s*ool1 z usual1 b nei!r ( u spoke a ^w4 ,& n[ "h ,i sit1 unhappy en\gh4 ,all my resolutions fail4 ,b ,i did n ?9k ,amelia w\ld take me at my ^w1 & ru% aft] t /uck-up1 smirk+ piece4 ,may #bj4-;,i seem to h got back into all my bad ways aga94 ,"m is q out ( pati5ce ) me4 ,i h n pray$ = a long "t4 ,x does n d any good4 ,may #ba4-;,x seems ?is ,und]hill ?+ is "h = heal?1 ?\gh %e looks z well z any ( u4 ,%e is an orphan1 & has be5 adopt$ by a ri* old uncle1 :o makes a p]fect fool ( h]4 ,su* dresses & su* f9]y z %e we>s6 ,la/ night %e _h ,amelia !re to tea1 )\t invit+ me1 ?\gh %e kn[s ,i am h] be/ fri5d4 ,%e gave h] a bracelet made ( h] own hair4 ,i wond] ,amelia's "m lets h] accept pres5ts f /rang]s4 ,my "m w\ld n let me4 ,on ! :ole1 !re is nobody l "o's own "m4 ,amelia has be5 cold & di/ant to me ( late1 b no matt] :at ,i d or say to my d>l+1 preci\s "m1 %e is always k9d & lov+4 ,%e notic$ h[ ,i mop$ ab\t to-day1 & begg$ me to tell h] :at 0 ! matt]4 ,i 0 a%am$ to d t4 ,i told h] t x 0 a little qu>rel ,i _h _h ) ,amelia4 ,de> *ild1 %e said1 h[ ,i pity y t y h inh]it$ my quick1 irritable temp]4 ,y\rs1 "m6 ,i cri$ out2 :at c y mean8 ,"m smil$ a little at my surprise4 ,x is ev5 s1 %e said4 ,!n h[ did y cure y\rself ( x8 ,tell me quick1 "m1 & let me cure myself ( m9e4 ,my de> ,katy1 %e said1 ,i wi% ,i c\ld make y see t ,god is j z will+1 & j z able to sanctify1 z ,he is to r$eem u4 ,x w\ld save y s mu* we>y1 disappo9t+ "w4 ,b ,god has op5$ my eyes at la/4 ,i wi% ,he w\ld op5 m9e1 !n1 ,i said1 = all ,i see n[ is t ,i am j z horrid z ,i c be1 & t ! m ,i pray ! worse ,i gr[4 ,t is n true1 de>1 %e repli$2 g on pray+-pray )\t ceas+4 ,i sat pull+ my h&k]*ief ?is way & t1 & at la/ roll$ x up into a ball & ?rew x across ! room4 ,i wi%$ ,i c\ld toss my bad feel+s into a corn] ) x4 ,i d wi% ,i c\ld make y love to pray1 my d>l+ *ild1 "m w5t on4 ,if y only knew ! /r5g?1 & ! light1 & ! joy y might h = ! simple ask+4 ,god atta*es no conditions to ,8 gifts4 ,he only says1 ',ask6' ,?is may be true1 b x is h>d "w to pray4 ,x tires me4 ,& ,i d wi% !re 0 "s easy way ( gr[+ good4 ,9 fact ,i %\ld l to h ,god s5d a sweet temp] to me j z ,he s5t bread & meat to ,elijah4 ,i don't believe ,elijah _h to kneel d[n & pray = !m4 ,*apt] #b4 ,,ii4 ,june #a4 ,,la/ ,sunday ,dr4 ,cabot prea*$ to ! "y4 ,he fir/ address$ ^? :o knew !y did n love ,god4 ,x did n seem to me t ,i belong$ to t class4 ,!n he spoke to ^? :o knew !y did4 ,i felt sure ,i 0 n "o ( ^?4 ,la/ ( all he spoke affectionately to ^? :o did n "k :at to ?9k1 & ,i 0 fright5$ & a%am$ to feel te>s runn+ d[n my *eeks1 :5 he said t he believ$ t mo/ ( 8 he>]s :o 7 9 ?is d\btful /ate did really love _! ,ma/]1 only _! love 0 some?+ z new & z t5d] & p]haps z unobs]v$ z ! t9y po9t ( gre5 t1 =c+ its way ?r\gh ! e>?1 is yet unconsci\s ( its own exi/5ce1 b promises a ?rifty plant4 ,i don't suppose ,i express x v well1 b ,i "k :at he meant4 ,he !n invit$ ^? belong+ to ea* class to meet him on ?ree successive ,saturday aft]noons4 ,i %all c]ta9ly g4 ,july #ai4-;,i w5t to ! meet+1 & s did ,amelia4 ,a great _m "y p 7 !re & a few *ildr54 ,dr4 ,cabot w5t ab\t f seat to seat speak+ to ea* "o sep>ately4 ,:5 he came to u ,i expect$ he w\ld say some?+ ab\t ! way 9 :i* ,i _h be5 br\ght up1 & reproa* me = n pr(it+ m by ! in/ructions & example ,i _h at home4 ,in/ead ( t he said1 9 a *e]ful voice1 ,well1 my de>1 ,i _c see into y\r he>t & positively tell :e!r !re is love to ,god !re or n4 ,b ,i suppose y h come "h to-day 9 ord] to let me help y to f9d out8 ,i said1 ,yes2 t 0 all ,i c\ld get out4 ,let me see1 !n1 he w5t on4 ,d y love y\r "m8 ,i said ,yes1 once m4 ,b prove to me t y d4 ,h[ d y "k x8 ,i tri$ to ?9k4 ,!n ,i said1 ,i feel t ,i love h]4 ,i love to love h]1 ,i l to be ) h]4 ,i l to he> p praise h]4 ,& ,i try--sometimes at lea/--to d ?+s to please h]4 ,b ,i don't try half z h>d z ,i ought1 & ,i d & say a great _m ?+s to displease h]4 ,yes1 yes1 he said1 ,i "k4 ,has "m told y8 ,i cri$ out4 ,no1 de>1 no inde$4 ,b ,i "k :at human nature is aft] hav+ "o ( my own fifty ye>s1 & six ( my *ildr5's to enc\nt]4 ,someh[ ,i felt m c\rage aft] he said t4 ,9 ! fir/ place1 !n1 y feel t y love y\r "m8 ,b y nev] feel t y love y\r ,god & ,savi\r8 ,i (t5 try1 & try1 b ,i nev] d1 ,i said4 ,love won't be =c$1 he said1 quickly4 ,!n :at %all ,i d8 ,9 ! second place1 y l to be ) y\r "m4 ,b y nev] l to be ) ! ,fri5d :o loves y s mu* bett] ?an %e does8 ,i don't "k1 ,i nev] 0 ) ,him4 ,sometimes ,i ?9k t :5 ,m>y sat at ,8 feet & he>d ,him talk1 %e mu/ h be5 v happy4 ,we come to ! ?ird te/1 !n4 ,y l to he> p praise y\r "m4 ,& h y ev] rejoic$ to he> ! ,"l magnifi$8 ,i %ook my head sorr[fully en\gh4 ,let u !n try ! la/ te/4 ,y "k y love y\r "m because y try to d ?+s to please h]4 ,t is to d :at y "k %e wi%es y to d8 ,v well4 ,h y nev] tri$ to d any?+ ,god wi%es y to d8 ,oh yes2 (t54 ,b n s (t5 z ,i ought4 ,( c\rse n4 ,no "o does t4 ,b come n[1 :y d y try to d :at y ?9k w please ,him8 ,because x is easy8 ,because y l to d :at ,he likes r ?an :at y l y\rself8 ,i tri$ to ?9k1 & got puzzl$4 ,nev] m9d1 said ,dr4 ,cabot1 ,i h come n[ to ! po9t ,i 0 aim+ at4 ,y _c prove to y\rself t y love ,god by exam9+ y\r feel+s t[>ds ,him4 ,!y are indef9ite & !y fluctuate4 ,b j z f> z y obey ,him1 j s f>1 dep5d ^u x1 y love ,him4 ,x is n natural to u s9ful1 ungrateful human be+s to pref] ,8 pleasure to our own1 or to foll[ ,8 way in/ead ( our own way1 & no?+1 no?+ b love to ,him c or does make u ob$i5t to ,him4 ,c\ldn't we obey ,him f fe>8 ,amelia n[ ask$4 ,%e _h be5 li/5+ all ?is "t 9 sil5ce4 ,yes2 & s y might obey y\r "m f fe>1 b only = a season4 ,if y _h no real love = h] y w\ld gradually cease to dread h] displeasure1 :]eas x is 9 ! v nature ( love to gr[ /rong] & m influ5tial e h\r4 ,y mean1 !n1 t if we want to "k :e!r we love ,god1 we mu/ f9d out :e!r we are obey+ ,him8 ,amelia ask$4 ,i mean exactly t4 ',he t keepe? my comm&m5ts he x is t love? me4' ,b ,i _c talk ) y any long] n[4 ,!re are _m o!rs /ill wait+4 ,y c come to see me "s day next week1 if y h any m que/ions to ask4 ,:5 we got out into ! /reet1 ,amelia & ,i got hold ( ea* o!r's h&s4 ,we did n speak a ^w till we rea*$ ! door1 b we knew t we 7 z good fri5ds z ev]4 ,i und]/& all ,dr4 ,cabot said1 ,amelia :isp]$1 z we sep>at$4 ,b ,i felt l "o 9 a fog4 ,i _c see h[ x is possible to love ,god1 & yet feel z /upid z ,i d :5 ,i ?9k ( ,him4 ,/ill1 ,i am det]m9$ to d "o ?+1 & t is to pray1 regul>ly in/ead ( n[ & !n1 z ,i h got ! habit ( do+ lately4 ,july #be4-,s*ool has clos$ = ! season4 ,i took ! fir/ prize = draw+1 & my composition 0 read al\d on exam9ation day1 & ev]ybody prais$ x4 ,"m c\ld n possibly help %[+1 9 h] face1 t %e 0 v mu* pleas$4 ,i am pleas$ myself4 ,we are n[ gett+ ready to take a j\rney4 ,i d n ?9k ,i %all g to see ,dr4 ,cabot aga94 ,my head is s full ( o!r ?+s1 & !re is s mu* to d be=e we g4 ,i am hav+ f\r new dresses made1 & ,i c't imag9e h[ to h !m trimm$4 ,i mean to run d[n to ,amelia's & ask h]4 ,july #bg4-;,i 0 ru%+ ?r\gh ! hall j aft] ,i wrote t1 & met "m4 ,i am go+ to ,amelia's1 ,i said1 hurry+ pa/ h]4 ,/op "o m9ute1 de>4 ,dr4 ,cabot is d[n/airs4 ,he says he has be5 expect+ a visit f y1 & t z y did n come to him1 he has come to y4 ,i wi% he w\ld m9d 8 own bus9ess1 ,i said4 ,i ?9k he is m9d+ x1 de>1 "m answ]$4 ,8 ,ma/]'s bus9ess is 81 & t has br\ght him "h4 ,g to him1 my d>l+ *ild2 ,i am sure y crave some?+ bett] ?an prizes & complim5ts & new dresses & j\rneys4 ,if anybody b "m _h said t1 my he>t w\ld h melt$ at once1 & ,i %\ld h gone "r d[n to ,dr4 ,cabot to be m\ld$ 9 8 h& to almo/ any %ape4 ,b z x 0 ,i bru%$ pa/1 ran into my room1 & lock$ my door4 ,oh1 :at makes me act s6 ,i hate myself = x1 ,i don't want to d x6 ,la/ week ,i d9$ ) ,mrs4 ,jones4 ,h] little ,tommy 0 v fond ( me1 & t1 ,i suppose1 makes h] h me !re s (t54 ,lucy 0 at ! table1 & v fracti\s4 ,%e cri$ fir/ = "o ?+ & !n = ano!r4 ,at la/ h] "m 9 a g5tle1 b v decid$ way put h] d[n f ! table4 ,!n %e cri$ l\d] ?an ev]4 ,b :5 h] "m (f]$ to take h] back if %e w\ld be good1 %e scream$ yet m4 ,%e want$ to come & w\ldn't let h]self come4 ,i almo/ hat$ h] :5 ,i saw h] act s1 & n[ ,i am behav+ t5 times worse & ,i am j z mis]able z ,i c be4 ,july #bi4-;,amelia has be5 "h4 ,%e has _h h] talk ) ,dr4 ,cabot & is p]fectly happy4 ,%e says x is s easy to be a ,*ri/ian6 ,x may be easy = h]2 ev]y?+ is4 ,%e nev] has any ( my dreadful feel+s1 & does n und]/& !m :5 ,i try to expla9 !m to h]4 ,well1 if ,i am fat$ to be mis]able1 ,i mu/ try to be> x4 ,oct4 #c4-,summ] is ov]1 s*ool has begun aga91 & ,i am s busy t ,i h n mu* "t to ?9k1 to be l[ spirit$4 ,we _h a delightful j\rney1 & ,i feel well & bright1 & ev5 gay4 ,i nev] enjoy$ my /udies z ,i d ^? ( ?is ye>4 ,ev]y?+ goes on pleasantly "h at home4 ,b ,james has gone away to s*ool1 & we miss him sadly4 ,i wi% ,i _h a si/]4 ,?\gh ,i d>e say ,i %\ld qu>rel ) h]1 if ,i _h4 ,oct #bc4-;,i am s glad t my /udies are h>d] ?is ye>1 z ,i am nev] happy except :5 e mom5t is occupi$4 ,h[ev]1 ,i d n /udy all ! "t1 by any means4 ,mrs4 ,gordon gr[s m & m fond ( me1 & has me !re to d9n] or to tea cont9ually4 ,%e has a mu* high] op9ion ( me ?an "m has1 & is always say+ ! sort ( ?+s t make y feel nice4 ,%e holds me up to ,amelia z an example1 begg+ h] to imitate me 9 my fidelity ab\t my lessons1 & decl>+ !re is no?+ %e s mu* desires z to h a daught] bright & orig9al l me4 ,amelia only laughs1 & goes & purrs 9 h] "m's e>s :5 %e he>s su* talk4 ,x co/s h] no?+ to be pleasant4 ,%e 0 born s4 ,= my "p1 ,i ?9k myself lucky to h su* a fri5d4 ,%e gets along ) my odd1 hateful ways bett] ?an any "o else does4 ,"m1 :5 ,i boa/ ( ?is1 says %e has no p5etration into "*1 & t %e w\ld be fond ( almo/ any "o fond ( h]2 & t ! fury ) :i* ,i love h] des]ves "s response4 ,i really don't "k :at to make ( "m4 ,mo/ p are pr\d ( _! *ildr5 :5 !y see o!rs admire !m2 b %e does say su* pokey ?+s6 ,( c\rse ,i "k t hav+ a gift = music1 & a ta/e = draw+1 & a reputation = say+ witty1 bright ?+s isn't en\gh4 ,b :5 %e doesn't f9d fault ) me1 & no?+ happ5s to keep me d[n1 ,i am ! gaye/ creature on e>?4 ,i d love to get ) a lot ( nice girls1 & c>ry on6 ,i h got en\gh fun 9 me to keep a h\seful m]ry4 ,& "m ne$n't say any?+4 ,i inh]it$ x f h]4 ,ev5+4-,i knew x 0 com+6 ,"m has be5 9 to see :at ,i 0 ab\t1 & to give me a bit ( h] m9d4 ,%e says %e loves to see me gay & *e]ful1 z is natural at my age1 b t levity q upsets & disord]s ! m9d1 indispos+ x = s]i\s ?\ghts4 ,b1 "m1 ,i said1 didn't y c>ry on :5 y 7 a "y girl8 ,( c\rse ,i did1 %e said1 smil+4 ,b ,i d n ?9k ,i 0 q s ?\ghtless z y are4 ,?\ghtless inde$6 ,i wi% ,i 76 ,b am ,i n always full ( uneasy1 reproa*ful ?\ghts :5 ! mom5t ( excitem5t is ov]8 ,o!r girls1 :o seem less trifl+ ?an ,i1 are really m s4 ,_! heads are full ( dresses & p>ties & beaux1 & all t sort ( nons5se4 ,i wond] if t ev] worries _! mo!rs1 or :e!r m9e is ! only "o :o weeps 9 secret8 ,well1 ,i %all be "y b once1 & :ile ,i am1 d let me h a good "t6 ,sunday1 ,nov4 #bj4-,oh1 ! diff]5ce betwe5 ?is day & ! day ,i wrote t6 ,!re are no good times 9 ?is dreadful _w4 ,i h h>dly c\rage or /r5g? to write d[n ! hi/ory ( ! pa/ few weeks4 ,! day aft] ,i _h delib]ately made up my m9d to enjoy myself1 co/ :at x might1 my de> fa!r call$ me to him1 kiss$ me1 pull$ my e>s a little1 & gave me "s money4 ,we h _h to keep y r l[ 9 funds1 he said laugh+4 ,b ,i recov]$ ?is am\nt ye/]day1 & z x 0 a little debt ,i _h giv5 up1 ,i c sp>e x to y4 ,= girls l p9-money1 ,i "k1 & y may sp5d ?is j z y please4 ,i 0 delight$4 ,i want to take m draw+-lessons1 b did n feel sure he c\ld af=d x4 ,besides--,i am a little a%am$ to write x d[n--,i knew somebody _h be5 prais+ me or fa!r w\ld n h seem$ s fond ( me4 ,i wond]$ :o x 01 & felt a good deal puff$ up4 ,aft]-all1 ,i said to myself1 "s p l me if ,i h got my faults4 ,i ?rew my arms ar\nd 8 neck & kiss$ him1 ?\gh t co/ me a great ef=t4 ,i nev] l to %[ :at ,i feel4 ,b1 oh6 h[ ?ankful ,i am = x n[4 ,z to "m1 ,i "k fa!r nev] goes out )\t kiss+ h] good-by4 ,i w5t out ) h] to take a walk at ?ree o'clock4 ,we _h j rea*$ ! corn] ( ,orange ,/reet1 :5 ,i saw a c>riage driv+ sl[ly t[>ds u2 x appe>$ to be full ( sailors4 ,!n ,i saw our fri5d1 ,mr4 ,freeman1 among !m4 ,:5 he saw u he jump$ out & came up to u4 ,i d n "k :at he said4 ,i saw "m turn pale & cat* at 8 arm z if %e 7 afraid ( fall+4 ,b %e did n speak a ^w4 ,oh6 ,mr4 ,freeman1 :at is x8 ,i cri$ out4 ,has any?+ happ5$ to fa!r8 ,is he hurt8 ,:]e is he8 ,he is 9 ! c>riage1 he said4 ,we are tak+ him home4 ,he has _h a fall4 ,!n we w5t on 9 sil5ce4 ,! sailors 7 c>ry+ fa!r 9 z we rea*$ ! h\se4 ,!y laid him on ! s(a1 we saw 8 poor head444 ,nov4 #bc4-;,i w try to write ! re/ n[4 ,fa!r 0 alive b ins5sible4 ,he _h fall5 d[n into ! hold ( ! %ip1 & ! sailors he>d him groan+ !re4 ,he liv$ ?ree h\rs aft] !y br\ght him home4 ,mr4 ,freeman & all our fri5ds 7 v k9d4 ,b we l be/ to be alone1 we ?ree1 "m & ,james & ,i4 ,poor "m looks tw5ty ye>s old]1 b %e is s pati5t1 & s conc]n$ = u1 & has su* a smile ( welcome = e "o t comes 91 t x breaks my he>t to see h]4 ,nov4 #be4-,"m spoke to me v s]i\sly to-day1 ab\t controll+ myself m4 ,%e said %e knew ?is 0 my fir/ real sorr[1 & h[ h>d x 0 to be> x4 ,b t %e 0 afraid ,i %\ld become insane "s "t1 if ,i indulg$ myself 9 su* passions ( grief4 ,& %e said1 too1 t :5 fri5ds came to see u1 full ( sympa?y & eag] to say or d some?+ = our com=t1 x 0 our duty to receive !m ) z mu* *e]fulness z possible4 ,i said !y1 none ( !m1 _h any?+ to say t did n provoke me4 ,x is always a try+ task to visit ! afflict$1 "m said1 & y make x d\bly h>d to y\r fri5ds by putt+ on a gloomy1 =bidd+ air1 & by refus+ to talk ( y\r de> fa!r1 z if y 7 resolv$ to keep y\r sorr[ all to y\rself4 ,i c't smile :5 ,i am s unhappy1 ,i said4 ,a good _m p h be5 "h to-day4 ,"m has se5 !m all1 ?\gh %e look$ ready to drop4 ,mrs4 ,bates said to me1 9 h] little1 weak1 wat]y voice3 ,y\r "m is wond]fully su/a9$1 de>4 ,i hope y feel reconcil$ to ,god's w4 ,rebellion is mo/ displeas+ to ,him1 de>4 ,i made no answ]4 ,x is v easy = p to prea*4 ,let me see h[ !y behave :5 !y _! turn to lose _! fri5ds4 ,mrs4 ,morris said ?is 0 a v my/]i\s disp5sation4 ,b t %e 0 happy to see t ,"m 0 meet+ x ) s mu* firmness4 ,z = myself1 %e w5t on1 ,i 0 q brok5 d[n by my de> husb&'s dea?4 ,i did n eat z mu* z w\ld fe$ a bird1 = ne>ly a week4 ,b "s p h s mu* feel+2 !n aga9 o!rs are s firm4 ,y\r "m is s busy talk+ ) ,mrs4 ,m>* t ,i won't int]rupt h] to say good-bye4 ,i came prep>$ to sugge/ sev]al ?+s t ,i ?\ght w\ld com=t h]2 b p]haps %e has ?\ght ( !m h]self4 ,i c\ld h knock$ h] d[n4 ,firm1 inde$6 ,poor "m4 ,aft] !y _h all gone1 ,i made h] lie d[n1 %e look$ s tir$ & worn out4 ,!n1 ,i c\ld n help tell+ h] :at ,mrs4 ,morris _h said4 ,%e only smil$ a little1 b said no?+4 ,i wi% y w\ld ev] fl>e up1 "m1 ,i said4 ,%e smil$ aga91 & said %e _h no?+ to fl>e up ab\t4 ,!n ,i %all d x = y6 ,i cri$4 ,to he> t namby-pamby woman1 :o is ab\t z capable ( und]/&+ y z an old cat1 talk+ ab\t y\r be+ firm6 ,y see :at y get by be+ quiet & pati5t6 ,p w\ld l y mu* bett] if y refus$ to be com=t$1 & wore a sad c\nt5ance4 ,de> ,katy1 said "m1 x is n my fir/ object 9 life to make p l me4 ,by ?is "t %e look$ s pale t ,i 0 fright5$4 ,?\gh %e is s *e]ful1 & ?+s g on mu* z !y did be=e1 ,i believe %e has got h] dea?-bl[4 ,if %e has1 !n ,i hope ,i h got m9e4 ,& yet ,i am n fit to die4 ,i wi% ,i 01 & ,i wi% ,i c\ld die4 ,i h lo/ all int]e/ 9 ev]y?+1 & don't c>e :at becomes ( me4 ,nov4 #bc4-;,i believe ,i %all g crazy unless p /op com+ "h1 hurl+ volleys ( texts at "m & at me4 ,:5 soldi]s drop w\nd$ on ! battle-field1 !y are tak5 up t5d]ly & c>ri$ to ! re>1 :i* means1 ,i suppose1 out ( sight & s\nd4 ,is anybody mad en\gh to suppose x w d !m any good to he> ,scripture quot$ s]mons laun*$ at !m be=e _! op51 ble$+ w\nds are /aun*$8 ,"m ass5ts1 9 a mild way1 :5 ,i talk s & says1 ,yes1 yes1 we are inde$ ly+ w\nd$ on ! battle-field ( life1 & 9 no condition to li/5 to any words save ^? ( pity4 ,b1 de> ,katy1 we mu/ int]pret aright all ! well-meant attempts ( our fri5ds to com=t u4 ,!y mean sympa?y1 h[ev] awkw>dly !y express x4 ,& !n %e sigh$1 ) a long1 deep sigh1 t told h[ x all we>i$ h]4 ,dec4 #ad4-,"m keeps say+ ,i sp5d too mu* "t 9 brood+ ov] my sorr[4 ,z = h]1 %e seems to live 9 heav54 ,n t %e has long prosy talks ab\t x1 b little words t %e lets drop n[ & !n %[ :]e h] ?\ghts are1 & :]e %e w\ld l to be4 ,%e seems to ?9k ev]ybody is z eag] to g !re z %e is4 ,= my "p1 ,i am n eag] at all4 ,i c't make myself feel t x w be nice to sit 9 r[s1 all ! "t s++1 fond z ,i am ( music4 ,& :5 ,i say to myself1 ,( c\rse we %all n always sit 9 r[s s++1 !n ,i fancy a multitude ( %ad[y1 phantom-l be+s1 dress$ 9 :ite1 mov+ to & fro 9 gold5 /reets1 do+ no?+ 9 p>ticul>1 & hav+ a dre>y "t1 )\t any?+ to look =w>d to4 ,i told "m s4 ,%e said e>ne/ly1 & yet 9 h] sweete/1 t5d]e/ way1 ,oh1 my d>l+ ,katy6 ,:at y ne$ is su* a liv+1 p]sonal love to ,*ri/ z %all make ! ?\ght ( be+ :]e ,he is s delightful z to fill y\r m9d ) t s+le ?\ght6 ,:at is p]sonal love to ,*ri/8 ,oh1 de>1 de>6 ,:y ne$ my fa!r h be5 snat*$ away f me1 :5 s _m o!r girls h !irs sp>$ to !m8 ,he lov$ me s6 ,he indulg$ me s mu*6 ,he 0 s pr\d ( me6 ,:at h ,i done t ,i %\ld h ?is dreadful ?+ happ5 to me8 ,i %all nev] be z happy z ,i 0 be=e4 ,n[ ,i %all always be expect+ tr\ble4 ,yes1 ,i d>e say "m w g next4 ,:y %\ldn't ,i brood ov] ?is sorr[8 ,i l to brood ov] x2 ,i l to ?9k h[ wret*$ ,i am2 ,i l to h long1 furi\s fits ( cry+1 ly+ on my face on ! b$4 ,jan4 ,i1 #ahcb4-,p talk a great deal ab\t ! bless$ effects ( sorr[4 ,b ,i d n see any good x has done me to lose my de> fa!r1 & z to "m %e 0 good en\gh be=e4 ,we are go+ to leave our pleasant home1 :]e all ( u *ildr5 7 born1 & move into a h\se 9 an out-(-!-way /reet4 ,by sell+ ?is1 & r5t+ a small] "o1 "m hopes1 ) economy1 to c>ry ,james ?r\gh college4 ,& ,i mu/ g to ,miss ,higg9s' s*ool because x is less exp5sive ?an ,mr4 ,/one's4 ,miss ,higg9s1 inde$6 ,i nev] c\ld be> h]6 ,a few mon?s ago1 h[ ,i %\ld h cri$ & /orm$ at ! idea ( h] s*ool4 ,b ! great sorr[ swall[s up ! little trial4 ,i tri$ once m1 ?is morn+1 z x is ! fir/ day ( ! ye>1 to =ce myself to beg9 to love ,god4 ,i want to d x2 ,i "k ,i ought to d x2 b ,i _c4 ,i g ?r\gh ! =m ( say+ some?+ t ,i try to pass (f z pray+1 e day n[4 ,b ,i take no pleasure 9 x1 z good p say !y d1 & z ,i am sure "m does4 ,nobody c\ld live 9 ! h\se ) h]1 & d\bt t4 ,jan4 #aj4-,we are 9 our new home n[1 & x is q a cozy little place4 ,james is at home = ! long vacation & we are toge!r all ! "t ,i am out ( s*ool4 ,we /udy & s+ toge!r & n[ & !n1 :5 we =get t de> fa!r has gone1 we are z full ( fun z ev]4 ,if x is s nice to h a bro!r1 :at mu/ x be to h a si/]6 ,de> old ,jim6 ,he is ! v pleasante/1 de>e/ fell[ 9 ! _w6 ,jan4 #ae4-;,i h come to ano!r bir?day & am sev5te54 ,"m has celebrat$ x j z usual1 ?\gh ,i "k all ^! anniv]s>ies :i* us$ to be s pleasant1 mu/ be sad days to h] n[ my de> fa!r has gone4 ,%e has be5 *e]ful-& lov+1 & ent]$ into all my pleasures exactly z if no?+ _h happ5$4 ,i wond] at myself t ,i d n ent] m into h] sorr[s1 b ?\gh at times ! remembrance ( our loss ov]:elms me1 my natural ela/icity soon makes me rise above & =get x4 ,& ,i am absorb$ ) ^! s*ool-days1 t come "o aft] ano!r1 9 su* quick succession t ,i am all ! "t runn+ to keep up ) !m4 ,& z long z ,i d t ,i =get t dea? has cross$ our ?re%old1 & may d x aga94 ,b to night ,i feel v sad1 & z if ,i w\ld give almo/ any ?+ to live 9 a _w :]e no?+ pa9ful c\ld happ54 ,someh[ "m's pale face haunts & reproa*es me4 ,i believe ,i w g to b$ & to sleep z quickly z possible1 & =get ev]y?+4 ,*apt] #c ,,iii ,july #af4 ,my s*ool-days are ov]6 ,i h come (f ) fly+ colors1 & "m is pleas$ at my success4 ,i said to h] to-day t ,i %\ld n[ h "t to draw & practice to my he>t's cont5t4 ,y w n f9d y\r he>t cont5t ) ei!r1 %e said4 ,:y1 "m6 ,i cri$1 ,i ?\ght y lik$ to see me happy6 ,& s ,i d1 %e said1 quietly4 ,b !re is some?+ bett] to get out ( life ?an y h yet f\nd4 ,i am sure ,i hope s1 ,i return$4 ,on ! :ole1 ,i hav5't got mu* s f>4 ,amelia is n[ on su* t]ms ) ,j5ny ,und]hill t ,i c h>dly see "o )\t see+ ! o!r4 ,aft] ! way 9 :i* ,i h lov$ h]1 ?is seems r h>d4 ,sometimes ,i am angry ab\t x1 & sometimes griev$4 ,h[ev]1 ,i f9d ,j5ny q nice4 ,%e buys all ! new books & l5ds !m to me4 ,i wi% ,i lik$ m solid read+2 b ,i don't4 ,& ,i wi% ,i 7 n s fond ( novels2 b ,i am4 ,if x 7 n = "m ,i %\ld read no?+ else4 ,& ,i am sure ,i (t5 feel q /irr$ up by a really good novel1 & admire & want to imitate e high-m9d$1 noble "* x describes4 ,j5ny has a m9iature ( h] bro!r ,*>ley 9 a locket1 :i* %e always we>s1 & (t5 %[s me4 ,accord+ to h]1 he is exactly l ! h]oes ,i mo/ admire 9 books4 ,%e says %e kn[s he w\ld l me if we %\ld meet4 ,b t is n probable4 ,v few l me4 ,amelia says x is because ,i say j :at ,i ?9k4 ,w$nesday4-,"m po9t$ out to me ?is ev5+ two l9es f a book %e 0 read+1 ) a significant smile t said !y describ$ me3 ,a frank1 un*a/5$1 g5]\s creature1 ,^: faults & virtues /& 9 bold relief4 ,de> me6 ,i said1 s !n ,i h "s virtues aft] all6 ,& ,i really ?9k ,i mu/ h1 = ,j5ny's bro!r1 :o has come "h = ! sake ( be+ ne> h]1 seems to l me v mu*4 ,nobody ev] lik$ me s mu* be=e1 n ev5 ,amelia4 ,b h[ fooli% to write t d[n6 ,?ursday4-,j5ny's bro!r has be5 "h all ev5+4 ,he has ! mo/ p]fect mann]s ,i ev] saw4 ,i am sure t "m1 :o ?9ks s mu* ( su* ?+s1 w\ld be *>m$ ) him b %e happ5$ to be out1 ,mrs4 ,jones hav+ s5t = h] to see ab\t h] baby4 ,he gave me an acc\nt ( 8 "m's dea?1 & h[ he & ,j5ny nurs$ h] day & night4 ,he has a great deal ( feel+4 ,i 0 go+ to tell him ab\t my fa!r's dea?1 sorr[ seems to br+ p toge!r s1 b ,i c\ld n4 ,oh1 if he _h only _h a sickness t ne$$ our t5d] nurs+1 in/ead ( be+ snat*$ f u 9 t sudd5 way6 ,sunday1 ,aug4 #e4-;,j5ny's bro!r has be5 at our *ur* all day4 ,he walk$ home ) me ?is aft]noon4 ,"m1 aft] be+ up all night ) ,mrs4 ,jones & h] baby1 0 n able to g out4 ,dr4 ,cabot prea*es z if we _h all got to die pretty soon1 or else h some?+ almo/ z bad happ5 to u4 ,h[ c old p always try to make "y p feel uncom=table1 & z if ?+s c\ldn't la/8 ,aug4 #be4-;,j5ny says h] bro!r is p]fectly fasc9at$ ) me1 & t ,i mu/ try to l him 9 return4 ,i suppose "m w\ld say my head 0 turn$ by my good =tune1 b x is n4 ,i am gett+ q sob] & s]i\s4 ,x is a great ?+ to be--to be--well--lik$4 ,i h se5 "s v]ses ( 8 composition to-day t %[ t he is all he>t & s\l1 & w\ld make any sacrifice = "o he lov$4 ,i c\ld n l a man :o did n possess su* s5tim5ts z 84 ,p]haps "m w\ld ?9k ,i ought n to put su* ?+s into my j\rnal4 ,j5ny has ?\ght ( su* a spl5did plan6 ,:at a de> little ?+ %e is6 ,%e & h] bro!r are s mu* alike6 ,! plan is = u ?ree girls1 ,j5ny1 ,amelia & myself1 to =m ourselves into a little class to read & to /udy toge!r4 ,%e says ,*>ley w direct our read+s & help u ) our /udies4 ,x is p]fectly delightful4 ,septemb] #a4-,someh[ ,i =got to tell "m t ,mr4 ,und]hill 0 to be our tea*]4 ,s :5 x came my turn to h ! class meet "h1 %e 0 n q pleas$4 ,i told h] %e c\ld /ay & wat* u1 & !n %e w\ld see = h]self t we all behav$ ourselves4 ,sept4 #ai4-,! class met at ,amelia's to-night4 ,"m insi/$ on s5d+ = me1 ?\gh ,mr4 ,und]hill _h propos$ to see me home himself4 ,s he /ay$ aft] ,i left4 ,x 0 n q ! ?+ 9 him1 = he mu/ see t ,amelia is absolutely crazy ab\t him4 ,sept4 #bh4-,we met at ,j5ny's ?is ev5+4 ,amelia _h a bad heada*e & c\ld n come4 ,j5ny idl$ ov] h] lessons1 & at la/ took a book & began to read4 ,i /udi$ a:ile ) ,mr4 ,und]hill4 ,at la/ he said1 scribbl+ some?+ on a bit ( pap]3 ,"h is a s5t5ce ,i hope y c translate4 ,i took x1 & read ^! words3 ,y are ! brighte/1 prettie/1 mo/ w>m-he>t$ little ?+ 9 ! _w4 ,& ,i love y m ?an tongue c tell4 ,y mu/ love me 9 ! same way4 ,i felt hot & !n cold1 & !n glad & !n sorry4 ,b ,i pret5d$ to laugh1 & said ,i c\ld n translate ,greek4 ,i %all h to tell "m1 & :at w %e say8 ,sept4 #bi4-,?is morn+ "m began ?us3 ,kate1 ,i d n l ^! lessons ( y\rs4 ,at y\r age1 ) y\r judgm5t q un=m$1 x is n prop] t y %\ld sp5d s mu* "t ) a "y man4 ,j5ny is always !re1 & ,amelia1 ,i repli$4 ,t makes no diff]5ce4 ,i wi% ! :ole ?+ /opp$4 ,i d n "k :at ,i h be5 ?9k+ ( to let x g on s long4 ,mrs4 ,gordon says-- ,mrs4 ,gordon6 ,ha6 ,i bur/ out1 ,i knew ,amelia 0 at ! bottom ( x6 ,amelia is 9 love ) him up to h] v e>s1 & because he does n entirely neglect me1 %e has put h] "m up to com+ "h1 m$dl+ & mak+-- ,if :at y say ( ,amelia is true1 x is mo/ ung5]\s 9 y to tell ( x4 ,b ,i d n believe x4 ,amelia ,gordon has too mu* good s5se to be c>ri$ away by a h&some face & agreeable mann]s4 ,i began to cry4 ,he likes me1 ,i got out1 he likes me ev] s mu*4 ,nobody ev] 0 s k9d to me be=e4 ,nobody ev] said su* nice ?+s to me4 ,& ,i don't want su* horrid ?+s said ab\t him4 ,has x really come ?is6 said "m1 q %ock$4 ,oh1 my poor *ild1 h[ my selfi% sorr[ has made me neglect y4 ,i kept on cry+4 ,is x possible1 %e w5t on1 t ) y\r good s5se1 & ! education y h _h1 y are captivat$ by ?is m]e boy8 ,he is n a boy1 ,i said4 ,he is a man4 ,he is tw5ty ye>s old2 or at lea/ he w be on ! fifte5? ( next ,octob]4 ,! *ild actually keeps 8 bir?days6 cri$ "m4 ,oh1 my wick$1 %ameful c>elessness4 ,x's done n[1 ,i said1 desp]ately4 ,x is too late to help x n[4 ,y don't mean t he has d>$ to say any?+ )\t consult+ me8 ask$ "m4 ,& y h all[$ x6 ,oh1 ,ka!r9e6 ,?is "t my m\? %ut itself up1 & no mortal =ce c\ld op5 x4 ,i /opp$ cry+1 & sat ) fold$ arms4 ,"m said :at %e _h to say1 & !n ,i came to y1 my de> old ,j\rnal4 ,yes1 he likes me & ,i l him4 ,come n[1 let's out ) x once = all4 ,he loves me & ,i love him4 ,y are j a little bit too late1 "m4 ,oct #a4-;,i nev] c write d[n all ! ?+s t h happ5$4 ,! v day aft] ,i wrote t "m _h =bidd5 my go+ to ! class1 ,*>ley came to see h]1 & !y _h a regul> fight toge!r4 ,he has told me ab\t x s9ce4 ,!n1 z he c\ld n prevail1 8 uncle wrote1 told h] x w\ld be ! mak+ ( ,*>ley to be settl$ d[n on "o "y lady in/ead ( hov]+ f fl[] to fl[]1 z he 0 do+ n[4 ,!n ,j5ny came ) h] pretty ways1 & cri$1 & told "m :at a d>l+ bro!r ,*>ley 04 ,%e made a good deal1 too1 out ( 8 hav+ lo/ bo? fa!r & "m1 & ne$+ my affection s mu*4 ,"m %ut h]self up1 & ,i h no d\bt pray$ ov] x4 ,i really believe %e prays ov] e new dress %e buys4 ,!n %e s5t = me & talk$ beautifully1 & ,i behav$ abom9ably4 ,at la/ %e said %e w\ld put u on "o ye>'s probation4 ,*>ley might sp5d "o ev5+ "h e two weeks1 :5 %e %\ld always be pres5t4 ,we 7 nev] to be se5 toge!r 9 public1 nor w\ld %e all[ u to correspond4 ,if1 at ! end ( ! ye>1 we 7 bo? z eag] = x z we are n[1 %e w\ld cons5t to our engagem5t4 ,( c\rse we %all be1 s ,i consid] myself z good z engag$ n[4 ,de> me6 h[ funny x seems4 ,oct #b4-;,*>ley is n at all pleas$ ) "m's t]ms1 b no "o w\ld guess x f 8 mann] to h]4 ,8 com+ is always ! signal = h] trott+ d[n /airs2 he goes to meet h] & (f]s h] a *air1 z if he 0 delight$ to see h]4 ,we g on ) ! lessons1 z ?is gives u a *ance to sit pretty close toge!r1 & :5 ,i am writ+ my ex]cises & he corrects !m1 ,i r ?9k a few little ?+s get on to ! pap] t s\nd nicely to u1 b w\ld n /rike "m v agreeably4 ,= in/ance1 la/ night ,*>ley wrote3 ,is y\r "m nev] sick8 ,a nice little heada*e or two w\ld be s conv5i5t to u6 ,& ,i wrote back4 ,y de> old horrid ?+4 ,h[ c y be s selfi%8 ,jan4 #ae1 #ahcc4-;,i h be5 try+ to ?9k :e!r ,i am any happi] to-day ?an ,i 0 at ?is "t a ye> ago4 ,if ,i am n1 ,i suppose x is ! tantaliz+ way 9 :i* ,i am plac$ 9 reg>d to ,*>ley4 ,we h s mu* to say to ea* o!r t we c't say be=e "m1 & t we _c say 9 writ+1 because a correspond5ce is "o ( ! =bidd5 ?+s4 ,he says he ent]$ into no contract n to write1 & keeps slipp+ little notes into my h&2 b ,i don't ?9k t q "r4 ,"m he>s u argu+ & disput+ ab\t x1 ?\gh %e does n "k ! subject "u discussion1 & to-day %e said to me3 ,i w\ld n argue ) him1 if ,i 7 y4 ,he nev] w yield4 ,b x is a case ( consci5ce1 ,i said1 & he ought to yield4 ,!re is no ob/9acy l t ( a f---1 %e & /opp$ %ort4 ,oh1 y may z well f9i% x6 ,i cri$4 ,i "k y ?9k him a fool4 ,!n "m bur/ out1 ,oh1 my *ild1 %e said1 be=e x is too late1 d be p]suad$ by me to give up ?is :ole ?+4 ,i %r9k f pa9+ or (f5d+ y1 b x is my duty1 z y\r "m1 to w>n y aga9/ a m>riage t w make %ipwreck ( y\r happ9ess4 ,m>riage6 ,i fairly %riek$ out4 ,t is ! la/ ?+ ,i h ev] ?\ght (4 ,i felt a *ill creep ov] me4 ,all ,i _h want$ 0 to h ,*>ley come "h e day1 take me out n[ & !n1 & c>e = nobody else4 ,yes1 m>riage6 "m repeat$4 ,= :at is ! mean+ ( an engagem5t if m>riage is n to foll[8 ,h[ c y fail to see1 :at ,i see1 oh6 s pla9ly1 t ,*>ley ,und]hill c nev]1 nev] meet ! requirem5ts ( y\r s\l4 ,y are captivat$ by :at girls ( y\r age call beauty1 regul> features1 a fair complexion & s(t eyes4 ,8 flatt]ies delude1 & 8 pr(essions ( affection gratify y4 ,y d n see t he is %all[1 & conceit$1 & selfi% &- ,oh "m6 ,h[ c y be s unju/8 ,8 :ole /udy seems to be to please o!rs4 ,seems to be--t is true1 %e repli$4 ,8 rul+ passion is love ( admiration2 ! little pleas+ acts t attract y are s _m traps set to cat* ! att5tion & ! favorable op9ion ( ^? ab\t him4 ,he has n "o hone/ desire to please because x is "r to be pleas+4 ,oh1 my preci\s *ild1 :at a fatal mi/ake y are mak+ 9 rely+ on y\r own judgm5t 9 ?is1 ! mo/ important ( e>?ly decisions6 ,i felt v angry4 ,i ?\ght ! ,bible =bade back-bit+1 ,i said4 ,"m made no reply1 except by a look :i* said ab\t a hundr$ & =ty diff]5t ?+s4 ,& !n ,i came up "h & wrote "s poetry1 :i* 0 v good 7= me71 ?\gh ,i don't suppose %e w\ld ?9k s4 ,oct4 #a4-,! ye> ( probation is ov]1 & ,i h no?+ to d n[ b to be happy4 ,b be+ engag$ is n half s nice z ,i expect$ x w\ld be4 ,i suppose x is ow+ to my be+ oblig$ to defy "m's judgm5t 9 ord] to gratify my own4 ,p say %e has great insight into "*1 & sees1 at a glance1 :at o!rs only le>n aft] mu* /udy4 ,oct4 #aj4-;,i h tak5 a dreadful cold4 ,x is too bad4 ,i d>e say ,i %all be c\gh+ all w9t]1 & in/ead ( go+ out ) ,*>ley1 be %ut up at home4 ,oct4 #ab4-;,*>ley says he did n "k t ,i 0 subject to a c\gh1 & t he hopes ,i am n consumptive1 because 8 fa!r & "m di$ ( consumption1 & x makes him n]v\s to he> p c\gh4 ,i ne>ly /rangl$ myself all ! ev5+ try+ n to annoy him ) m9e4 ,*apt] #d ,,iv ,nov4 #b4 ,i really ?9k ,i am sick & go+ to die4 ,la/ night ,i rais$ a little blood4 ,i d>e n tell "m1 x w\ld di/ress h] s1 b ,i am sure x came f my lungs4 ,*>ley said la/ week he really mu/ /ay away till ,i got bett]1 = my c\gh s\nd$ l 8 "m's4 ,i h be5 v lonely1 & h %$ "s te>s1 b mo/ ( ! "t h be5 too sorr[ful to cry4 ,if we 7 m>ri$1 & ,i _h a c\gh1 w\ld he g & leave me1 ,i wond]8 ,sunday1 ,nov #ah-,poor "m is dreadfully anxi\s ab\t me4 ,b ,i don't see h[ %e c love me s1 aft] ! way ,i h behav$4 ,i wond] if1 aft] all1 mo!rs are n ! be/ fri5ds !re are6 ,i keep h] awake ) my c\gh all night1 & am mopy & cross all day1 b %e is j z k9d & affectionate z %e c be4 ,nov4 #be4-,! day ,i wrote t 0 ,sunday4 ,i c\ld n g to *ur*1 & ,i felt v =lorn & desolate4 ,i tri$ to get "s com=t by pray+1 b :5 ,i got on my knees ,i j bur/ out cry+ & c\ld n say a ^w4 ,= ,i h n se5 ,*>ley = t5 days4 ,z ,i knelt !re ,i began to ?9k myself a p]fect mon/] ( selfi%ness = want+ him to sp5d 8 ev5+s ) me1 n[ t ,i am s unwell & annoy him s ) my c\gh1 & ,i ask$ myself if ,i ought n to break (f ! engagem5t altoge!r1 if ,i 0 really 9 consumption1 ! v disease ,*>ley dread$ mo/ ( all4 ,x seem$ su* a prop] sacrifice to make ( myself4 ,!n ,i pray$-yes1 ,i am sure ,i really pray$ z ,i _h n done = m ?an a ye>1 ! idea ( self-sacrifice grew e mom5t m beautiful 9 my eyes1 till at la/ ,i felt an almo/ joyful triumph 9 writ+ to poor ,*>ley1 & tell him :at ,i _h resolv$ to d4 ,?is is my lett]3 ,my ,de>1 ,de> ,*>ley--,i d>e n tell y :at x co/s me to say :at ,i am ab\t to d2 b ,i am sure y "k me well en\gh by ?is "t believe t x is only because y\r happ9ess is f> m preci\s to me ?an my own1 t ,i h decid$ to write y ?is lett]4 ,:5 y fir/ told me t y lov$ me1 y said1 & y h (t5 said s s9ce !n1 t x 0 my brightness & gayety t attract$ y4 ,i knew !re 0 some?+ und]nea? my gayety bett] wor? y\r love1 & 0 glad ,i c\ld give y m ?an y ask$ =4 ,i knew ,i 0 n a m]e ?\ghtless1 laugh+ girl1 b t ,i _h a he>t z wide z ! ocean to give y-z wide & z deep4 ,b n[ my brightness & gayety h gone2 ,i am sick & p]haps am go+ to die4 ,if ?is is s1 x w\ld be v sweet to h y\r love g ) me to ! v gates ( dea?1 & beautify & glorify my pa? ?i!r4 ,b :at a we>y task ?is w\ld be to y1 my poor ,*>ley6 ,& s1 if y ?9k x be/1 & x w\ld relieve y ( any c>e & pa91 ,i w release y f our engagem5t & set y free4 ,y\r ,little ,katy4 ,i did n sleep at all t night4 ,e>ly on ,monday ,i s5t (f my lett]2 & my he>t beat s h>d all day t ,i 0 tir$ & fa9t4 ,j at d>k 8 answ] came2 ,i c copy x f memory4 ,de> ,kate3--,:at a g5]\s1 self-sacrific+ little ?+ y are6 ,i always ?\ght s1 b n[ y h giv5 me a noble pro( ( x4 ,i w own t ,i h be5 disappo9t$ to f9d y\r con/itution s poor1 & t x has be5 v dull sitt+ & he>+ y c\gh1 especially z ,i 0 rem9d$ ( ! long & t$i\s illness ?r\gh :i* poor ,j5ny & myself _h to nurse our "m4 ,i v[$ !n nev] to m>ry a consumptive woman1 & ,i ?ank y = mak+ x s easy = me to br+ our engagem5t to an end4 ,my bright hopes are blight$1 & x w be long be=e ,i %all f9d ano!r to fill y\r place4 ,i ne$ n say h[ mu* ,i sympa?ize ) y 9 ?is disappo9tm5t4 ,i hope ! consolations ( religion w n[ be y\rs4 ,y\r notes1 ! lock ( y\r hair1 etc41 ,i return ) ?is n[4 ,i w n reproa* y = ! pa9 y h co/ me2 ,i "k x is n y\r fault t y\r heal? has become s frail4 ,i rema9 y\r s9c]e fri5d1 ,*>les ,und]hill ,jan4 #a1 #ahcd4-,let me f9i% ?is /ory ,if ,i c4 ,my fir/ impulse aft] read+ 8 lett] 0 to fly to "m1 & hide away =ev] 9 h] de>1 lov+ arms4 ,b ,i re/ra9$ myself1 & ) my he>t beat+ s t ,i c\ld h>dly hold my p51 ,i wrote3 ,mr4 ,und]hill ,sir--,! scales h fall5 f my eyes1 & ,i see y at la/ j z y are4 ,s9ce my note to y on ,sunday la/1 ,i h _h a consultation ( physicians1 & !y all agree t my disease is n ( an al>m+ "*1 & t ,i %all soon recov]4 ,b ,i ?ank ,god t be=e x 0 too late1 y h be5 reveal$ to me j z y are-a he>tless1 selfi%1 %all[ creature1 unwor?y ! love ( a true-he>t$ woman1 unwor?y ev5 ( y\r own self-respect4 ,i gave y an opportunity to )draw f our engagem5t 9 full fai?1 lov+ y s truly t ,i 0 ready to g trembl+ to my grave alone if y %rank f su/a9+ me to x4 ,b ,i see n[ t ,i did n dream = "o mom5t t y w\ld take me at my ^w & leave me to my fate4 ,i ?\ght ,i lov$ a man1 & c\ld lean on him :5 /r5g? fail$ me2 ,i "k n[ t ,i lov$ a m]e creature ( my imag9ation4 ,take back y\r lett]s2 loa! ! sight ( !m4 ,take back ! r+1 & f9d1 if y c1 a woman :o w nev] be sick1 nev] out ( spirits1 & :o nev] w die4 ,?ank heav5 x is n ,ka!r9e ,mortim]4 ,^! l9es came to me 9 reply3 ,?ank ,god x is n ,kate ,mortim]4 ,i want an angel = my wife1 n a vix54 ,c4 ,u4 ,jan4 #ae-,:at a tempe/-toss$ creature ?is bir?day f9ds me4 ,b let me f9i% ?is wret*$1 disgraceful /ory1 if ,i c1 be=e ,i q lose my s5ses4 ,i %[$ my "m ! lett]s4 ,%e bur/ into te>s & op5$ h] arms1 & ,i ran into !m z a w\nd$ bird flies into ! ark4 ,we cri$ toge!r4 ,"m nev] said1 nev] look$1 ,i told y s4 ,all %e did say 0 ?is1 ,god has he>d my pray]s6 ,he is res]v+ bett] ?+s = my *ild6 ,de> "m's are n ! only arms ,i h fl[n to4 ,b x does n seem z if ,god ought to take me 9 because ,i am 9 tr\ble1 :5 ,i w\ld n g to him :5 ,i 0 happy 9 some?+ else4 ,b ev5 9 ! mid/ ( my greate/ felicity ,i _h _m & _m a misgiv+2 _m a season :5 my consci5ce upbraid$ me = my willfulness t[>ds my de> "m1 & my :ole s\l ye>n$ = some?+ high] & bett] ev5 ?an ,*>ley's love1 preci\s z x 04 ,jan4 #bf4-;,i h %ut myself up 9 my room to-day to ?9k ov] ?+s4 ,! end ( x is t ,i am full ( mortification & confusion ( face4 ,if ,i _h only _h confid5ce 9 "m's judgm5t ,i %\ld nev] h get entangl$ 9 ?is silly engagem5t4 ,i see n[ t ,*>ley nev] c\ld h made me happy1 & ,i "k !re is a good deal 9 my he>t he nev] call$ out4 ,i wi%1 h[ev]1 ,i _h n writt5 him :5 ,i 0 9 passion4 ,no wond] he is ?ankful t he free f su* a vix54 ,b1 oh ! provocation 0 t]rible6 ,i h made up my m9d nev] to tell a human s\l ab\t ?is affair4 ,x w be s high-m9d$ & honorable to %ield him ?us f ! contempt he des]ves4 ,) all my faults ,i am glad t !re is no?+ mean or little ab\t me6 ,jan4 #bg4-;,i c't be> to write x d[n1 b ,i w4 ,! ink 0 h>dly dry ye/]day on ! above self-laudation :5 ,amelia came4 ,%e _h be5 out ( t[n1 & _h only j le>n$ :at _h happ5$4 ,( c\rse %e 0 curi\s to "k ! :ole /ory4 ,& ,i told x to h]1 e ^w ( x6 ,oh1 ,kate ,mortim]1 h[ high-m9d$ y are6 ,h[ free f all t is mean & little6 ,i c\ld te> my hair if x w\ld d any good8 ,amelia def5d$ ,*>ley1 & ,i 0 ?us l$ on to say e h>% ?+ ( him ,i c\ld ?9k (4 ,%e said he 0 ( s s5sitive a nature1 _h s mu* s5sibility1 & su* a con/itutional av]sion to see+ suff]+1 t = h] "p %e c\ld n blame him4 ,x is su* a pity y _h n _h y\r lungs exam9$ be=e y wrote t fir/ lett]1 %e w5t on4 ,b y are s impulsive6 ,if y _h only wait$ y w\ld be engag$ to ,*>ley /ill6 ,i am ?ankful ,i did n wait1 ,i cri$1 angrily4 ,d1 ,amelia1 drop ! subject =ev]4 ,y & ,i %all nev] agree ^u x4 ,! tru? is1 y are two-?irds 9 love ) him1 & h be51 all along4 ,%e color$1 & laugh$1 & actually look$ pleas$4 ,if anyone _h made su* an outrage\s spee* to me ,i %\ld h be5 furi\s4 ,i suppose y "k1 said %e1 t old ,mr4 ,und]hill has tak5 su* a fancy to him t he has made him 8 heir2 & he is z ri* z a ,jew4 ,inde$6 ,i said1 dryly4 ,i wond] if "m knew x :5 %e oppos$ our engagem5t s /r5u\sly4 ,jan4 #ca4-;,i h ask$ h]1 & %e said %e did4 ,mr4 ,und]hill told h] 8 int5tions :5 he urg$ h] cons5t to ! engagem5t4 ,de> "m6 ,h[ unworldly1 h[ unselfi% %e is6 ,feb4 #d4-,! "n ( ,*>ley ,und]hill appe>s on ^! pages = ! la/ "t4 ,he is engag$ to ,amelia6 ,f ?is mom5t %e is lo/ to me =ev]4 ,h[ desolate1 h[ mortifi$1 h[ mis]able ,i am6 ,:o c\ld h ?\ght ?is ( ,amelia6 ,%e came to see me1 radiant ) joy4 ,i conceal$ my disgu/ until %e said t ,*>ley felt n[ t he _h nev] really lov$ me1 b _h pref]r$ h] all along4 ,!n ,i bur/ out4 ,:at ,i said ,i d n "k1 & d n c>e4 ,! :ole ?+ is s disgraceful t ,i %\ld be a /ock or a /one n to res5t x4 ,feb4 #e4-;,aft] ye/]day's passion ( grief1 %ame1 & ang]1 ,i feel p]fectly /upid & languid4 ,oh1 t ,i 0 prep>$ = a bett] _w1 & c\ld fly to x & be at re/6 ,feb4 #f4-,n[ t x is all ov]1 h[ a%am$ ,i am ( ! fury ,i h be5 91 & :i* has giv5 ,amelia su* advantage ov] me6 ,i 0 beg9n+ to believe t ,i 0 really liv+ a feeble & flutt]+1 b real ,*ri/ian life1 & f9d+ "s satisfaction 9 x4 ,b t is all ov] n[4 ,i am doom$ to be a victim ( my own un/able1 passionate1 wayw>d nature1 & ! soon] ,i settle d[n into t conviction1 ! bett]4 ,& yet h[ my v s\l craves ! highe/ happ9ess1 & refuses to be com=t$ :ile t is want+4 ,feb4 #g4-;,aft] writ+ t1 ,i d n "k :at made me g to see ,dr4 ,cabot4 ,he receiv$ me 9 t *e]ful way ( 8 t seems to promise ! tak+ "o's burd5 "r (f "o's back4 ,i am v glad to see y1 my de> *ild1 he said4 ,i int5d$ to be v dignifi$ & cold4 ,z if ,i 0 go+ to h any ,dr4 ,cabot's und]tak+ to sympa?ize ) me6 ,b ^? few k9d words j upset me1 & ,i began to cry4 ,y w\ld n speak s k9dly1 ,i got out at la/1 if y knew :at a dreadful creature ,i am4 ,i am angry ) myself1 & angry ) ev]ybody1 & angry ) ,god4 ,i c't be good two m9utes at a "t4 ,i d ev]y?+ ,i d n want to d1 & d no?+ ,i try & pray to d4 ,ev]ybody plagues me & tempts me4 ,& ,god does n answ] any ( my pray]s1 & ,i am j desp]ate4 ,poor *ild6 he said1 9 a l[ voice1 z if to himself4 ,poor1 he>t-sick1 tir$ *ild1 t _c see :at ,i c see1 t its ,fa!r's lov+ arms are all ab\t x8 ,i /opp$ cry+1 to /ra9 my e>s & li/54 ,he w5t on4 ,katy1 all t y say may be true4 ,i d>e say x is4 ,b ,god loves y4 ,he loves y4 ,he loves me1 ,i repeat$ to myself4 ,he loves me6 ,oh1 ,dr4 ,cabot1 if ,i c\ld believe t6 ,if ,i c\ld believe t1 aft] all ! promises ,i h brok51 all ! fooli%1 wrong ?+s ,i h done & %all always be do+1 ,god p]haps /ill loves me6 ,y may be sure ( x1 he said1 solemnly4 ,i1 m9i/]1 br+ ! gospel to y to-day4 ,g home & say ov] & ov] to y\rself1 ',i am a wayw>d1 fooli% *ild4 ,b ,he loves me6 ,i h disobey$ & griev$ ,him t5 ?\s& times4 ,b ,he loves me6 ,i h lo/ fai? 9 "s ( my de>e/ fri5ds & am v desolate4 ,b ,he loves me6 ,i d n love ,him1 ,i am ev5 angry ) ,him6 ,b ,he loves me6 ' ,i came away1 & all ! way home ,i f\ght ?is battle ) myself1 say+1 ,he loves me6 ,i knelt d[n to pray1 & all my wa/$1 *ildi%1 wick$ life came & />$ me 9 ! face4 ,i look$ at x1 & said ) te>s ( joy1 ,b ,he loves me6 ,nev] 9 my life did ,i feel s re/$1 s quiet$1 s sorr[ful1 & yet s satisfi$4 ,feb #aj4-,:at a beautiful _w ?is is1 & h[ full x is ( truly k9d1 good p6 ,mrs4 ,morris 0 "h ?is morn+1 & j "o squeeze ( t long1 yell[ old h& ( h]s seem$ to speak a bookful6 ,i wond] :y ,i h always dislik$ h] s1 = %e is really an excell5t woman4 ,i gave h] a good kiss to pay h] = ! sympa?y %e _h s5se en\gh n to put into cant+ words1 & if y w believe x1 de> old ,j\rnal1 ! te>s came into h] eyes1 & %e said3 ,y are "o ( ! ,"l's belov$ ones1 ?\gh p]haps y d n "k x4 ,i repeat$ aga9 to myself ^? sweet1 my/]i\s words1 & !n ,i tri$ to ?9k :at ,i c\ld d = ,him4 ,b ,i c\ld n ?9k ( any?+ great or good en\gh4 ,i w5t into "m's room & put my arms r\nd h] & told h] h[ ,i lov$ h]4 ,%e look$ surpris$ & pleas$4 ,ah1 ,i knew x w\ld come6 %e said1 lay+ h] h& on h] ,bible4 ,knew :at w\ld come1 "m8 ,peace1 %e said4 ,i came back "h & wrote a little note to ,amelia1 tell+ h] h[ a%am$ & sorry ,i 0 t ,i c\ld n control myself ! o!r day4 ,!n ,i wrote a long lett] to ,james4 ,i h be5 v c>eless ab\t writ+ to him4 ,!n ,i began to hem ^? h&k]*iefs "m ask$ me to f9i% a mon? ago4 ,b ,i c\ld n ?9k ( any?+ to d = ,god4 ,i wi% ,i c\ld4 ,x makes me s happy to ?9k t all ?is "t1 :ile ,i 0 c>+ = nobody b myself1 & fancy+ ,he mu/ almo/ hate me1 ,he 0 lov+ & pity+ me4 ,feb4 #ae4-;,i w5t to see ,dr4 ,cabot aga9 to-day4 ,he came d[n f 8 /udy ) 8 p5 9 8 h&4 ,h[ d>e y come & spoil my s]mon on ,saturday8 he ask$1 good-humor$ly4 ,?\gh he seem$ full ( lov+ k9dness1 ,i 0 a%am$ ( my ?\ghtlessness4 ,?\gh ,i did n "k he 0 p>ticul>ly busy on ,saturdays4 ,if ,i 7 a m9i/] ,i am sure ,i w\ld get my s]mons done e>ly 9 ! week4 ,i only want$ to ask "o ?+1 ,i said4 ,i want to d some?+ = ,god4 ,& ,i _c ?9k ( any?+ unless x is to g on a mission4 ,& "m w\ld nev] let me d t4 ,%e ?9ks girls ) delicate heal? are n fit = su* "w4 ,at all ev5ts ,i w\ld n g to-day1 he repli$4 ,mean:ile d ev]y?+ y d = ,him :o has lov$ y & giv5 ,himself = y4 ,i did n d>e to /ay any long]1 & s came away q puzzl$4 ,d9n] 0 ready1 & z ,i sat d[n to ! table1 ,i said to myself3 ,i eat ?is d9n] = myself1 n = ,god4 ,:at c ,dr4 ,cabot mean8 ,!n ,i rememb]$ ! text ab\t do+ all = ! glory ( ,god1 ev5 9 eat+ & dr9k+2 b ,i d n und]/& x at all4 ,feb4 #ai4-;,x has seem$ to me = sev]al days t x mu/ be t ,i really d love ,god1 ?\gh ev] s little4 ,b x %ot ?r\gh my m9d to-day l a knife1 t x is a mis]able1 selfi% love at ! be/1 n wor? my giv+1 n wor? ,god's accept+4 ,all my old mis]y has come back ) sev5 o!r mis]ies m mis]able ?an itself4 ,i wi% ,i _h nev] be5 born6 ,i wi% ,i 7 ?\ghtless & c>eless1 l s _m o!r girls ( my age1 :o seem to get along v well1 & to enjoy !mselves f> m ?an ,i d4 ,feb4 #ba4-;,dr4 ,cabot came to see me to-day4 ,i told him all ab\t x4 ,he c\ld n help smil+ z he said3 ,:5 ,i see a little infant c>ess+ its "m1 w\ld y h me say to x1 ',y selfi% *ild1 h[ d>e y pret5d to c>ess y\r "m 9 t way8 ,y are q unable to appreciate h] "*2 y love h] m]ely because %e loves y1 treats y k9dly8' ,x 0 my turn to smile n[1 at my own folly4 ,y are z yet b a babe 9 ,*ri/1 ,dr4 ,cabot cont9u$4 ,y love y\r ,god & ,savi\r because ,he fir/ lov$ y4 ,! "t w come :5 ! "* ( y\r love w become *ang$ into "o :i* sees & feels ! beauty & ! p]fection ( its object1 & if y c\ld be assur$ t ,he no long] look$ on y ) favor1 y w\ld /ill cl+ to ,him ) devot$ affection4 ,!re is "o ?+ m t tr\bles me1 ,i said4 ,mo/ p]sons "k ! exact mom5t :5 !y beg9 real ,*ri/ian lives4 ,b ,i d n "k ( any su* "t 9 my hi/ory4 ,?is causes me _m uneasy mom5ts4 ,y are wrong 9 ?9k+ t mo/ p]sons h ?is advantage ov] y4 ,i believe t ! *ildr5 ( ,*ri/ian p>5ts1 :o h be5 judici\sly tra9$1 r>ely c po9t to any day or h\r :5 !y began to live ?is new life4 ,! "q is n1 d y rememb]1 my *ild1 :5 y ent]$ ?is _w1 & h[6 ,x is simply ?is1 are y n[ alive & an inhabitant !re(8 ,& n[ x is my turn to ask y a "q4 ,h[ happ5s x t y1 :o h a "m ( ri* & v>i$ exp]i5ce1 all[ y\rself to be torm5t$ ) ^! petty anxieties :i* %e is z capable ( dispell+ z ,i am8 ,i d n "k1 ,i answ]$4 ,b we girls c't talk to our mo!rs ab\t any ( our sacr$ feel+s1 & we hate to h !m talk to u4 ,dr4 ,cabot %ook 8 head4 ,!re is some?+ wrong some:]e1 he said1 ,a "y girl's "m is h] natural refuge 9 e p]plexity4 ,i hop$ t y1 :o h r m s5se ?an mo/ girls ( y\r age1 c\ld give me "s idea :at ! difficulty is4 ,aft] he _h gone1 ,i am a%am$ to own t ,i 0 9 a p]fect flutt] ( delight at :at he _h said ab\t my hav+ m s5se ?an mo/ girls4 ,meet+ poor "m on ! /airs :ile 9 ?is exalt$ /ate ( m9d1 ,i gave h] a v %ort answ] to a k9d "q1 & made h] unhappy1 z ,i h made myself4 ,x is j a ye> ago to-day t ,i got fright5$ at my novel-read+ prop5sities1 & resolv$ n to look into "o = twelve mon?s4 ,i 0 gett+ to dislike all o!r books1 & night aft] night sat up late1 dev\r+ ev]y?+ excit+ ,i c\ld get hold (4 ,"o ,saturday night ,i sat up till ! clock /ruck twelve to f9i% "o1 & ! next morn+ ,i 0 s sleepy t ,i _h to /ay at home f *ur*4 ,n[ ,i hope & believe ! back ( ?is ta/e is brok51 & t ,i %all nev] be a slave to x aga94 ,inde$ x does n seem to me n[ t ,i %all ev] c>e = su* books aga94 ,feb4 #bd4-,"m spoke to me ?is morn+ = ! fiftie? "t1 ,i really believe1 ab\t my disord]ly habits4 ,i don't ?9k ,i am c>eless because ,i l confusion1 b ! tr\ble is ,i am always 9 a hurry & a f]m5t ab\t some?+4 ,if ,i want any?+1 ,i want x v mu*1 & "r away4 ,s if ,i am look+ = a book1 or a piece ( music1 or a patt]n1 ,i tumble ev]y?+ ar\nd1 & c't /op to put !m to rights4 ,i wi% ,i 7 n s-eag] & impati5t4 ,b ,i mean to try to keep my room & my draw]s 9 ord]1 to please "m4 ,%e says1 too1 t ,i am gr[+ c>eless ab\t my hair & my dress4 ,b t is because my m9d is s full ( grav]1 m important ?+s4 ,i ?\ght ,i ought to be :olly occupi$ ) my duty to ,god4 ,b "m says duty to ,god includes duty to "o's neighbor1 & t untidy hair1 put up 9 all sorts ( r\gh bun*es1 rumpl$ cuffs & coll>s1 & all t sort ( ?+1 make "o (f5sive to all "o meets4 ,i am sorry %e ?9ks s1 = ,i f9d x v conv5i5t to twi/ up my hair almo/ any h[1 & x takes a good deal ( "t to look aft] coll>s & cuffs4 ,m>* #ad4-,to-day ,i feel disc\rag$ & disappo9t$4 ,i c]ta9ly ?\ght t if ,god really lov$ me1 & ,i really lov$ ,him1 ,i %\ld f9d myself gr[+ bett] day by day4 ,b ,i am n improv$ 9 ! lea/4 ,mo/ ( ! "t ,i sp5d on my knees ,i am ei!r /upid2 feel+ no?+ at all1 or else my head is full ( :at ,i 0 do+ be=e ,i began to pray1 or :at ,i am go+ to d z soon z ,i get ?r\gh4 ,i d n believe anybody else 9 ! _w is l me 9 ?is respect4 ,!n :5 ,i feel diff]5tly1 & c make a nice1 glib pray]1 ) floods ( te>s runn+ d[n my *eeks1 ,i get all puff$ up1 & ?9k h[ mu* pleas$ ,god mu/ be to see me s f]v5t 9 _s4 ,i g d[n-/airs 9 ?is frame1 & beg9 to scold ,susan = misplac+ my music1 till all ( a sudd5 ,i cat* myself do+ x1 & /op %ort1 cre/fall5 & conf\nd$4 ,i h s _m su* exp]i5ces t ,i feel l a baby j le>n+ to walk1 :o is s afraid ( fall+ t x has half a m9d to sit d[n once = all4 ,!n !re is ano!r ?+4 ,see+ "m s fond ( ,?omas ,a ,kempis1 ,i h be5 read+ x1 n[ & !n1 & am n fond ( x at all4 ,f beg9n+ to end x exhorts to self-d5ial 9 e =m & %ape4 ,mu/ ,i !n give up all hope ( happ9ess 9 ?is _w1 & modify all my natural ta/es & desires8 ,oh1 ,i d love s to be happy6 ,i d s hate to suff]6 ,! v ?\ght ( be+ sick1 or ( be+ =c$ to nurse sick p1 ) all _! cross ways1 & ( los+ my fri5ds1 or ( hav+ to live ) disagreeable p1 makes me %udd]4 ,i want to please ,god1 & to be l ,him4 ,i c]ta9ly d4 ,b ,i am s "y1 & x is s natural to want to h a good "t6 ,& n[ ,i am 9 = x ,i may z well tell ! :ole /ory4 ,:5 ,i read ! lives ( good m5 & wom5 :o h di$ & gone to heav51 ,i f9d !y all lik$ to sit & ?9k ab\t ,god & ab\t ,*ri/4 ,n[ ,i don't4 ,i (t5 try1 b my m9d flies (f 9 a tang5t4 ,! tru? is ,i am p]fectly disc\rag$4 ,m>* #ag4-;,i w5t to see ,dr4 ,cabot to-day1 b he 0 out1 s ,i ?\ght ,i w\ld ask = ,mrs4 ,cabot1 ?\gh ,i 0 det]m9$ n to tell h] any ( my tr\bles4 ,b someh[ %e got ! :ole /ory out ( me1 & in/ead ( be+ %ock$1 z ,i expect$ %e w\ld be1 %e actually bur/ out laugh+6 ,%e recov]$ h]self imm$iately1 h[ev]4 ,d excuse me = laugh+ at y1 y de> *ild y6 %e said4 ,b ,i rememb] s well h[ ,i use to fl\nd] ?r\gh j su* ne$less anxieties1 & life looks s diff]5t1 s v diff]5t1 to me n[ f :at x did !n6 ,:at %\ld y ?9k ( a man :o1 hav+ j s[$ 8 field1 0 a/oni%$ n to see x at once ripe = ! h>ve/1 because 8 neighbor's1 aft] long mon?s ( wait+1 0 j be+ ga!r$ 98 ,d y mean1 ,i ask$1 t by & by ,i %all naturally come to feel & ?9k z o!r good p d8 ,yes1 ,i d4 ,y mu/ make ! mo/ ( :at little ,*ri/ian life y h2 be ?ankful ,god has giv5 y s mu*1 *]i% x1 pray ov] x1 & gu>d x l ! apple ( y\r eye4 ,imp]ceptibly1 b surely1 x w gr[1 & keep on gr[+1 = ?is is its nature4 ,b ,i don't want to wait1 ,i said1 despond5tly4 ,i h j be5 read+ a delightful book1 full ( /ories ( h]oic de$s-n fables1 b hi/ories ( real ev5ts & real p4 ,x has q /irr$ me up1 & made me wi% to possess su* beautiful h]oism1 & t ,i 7 a man1 t ,i might h a *ance to p]=m "s truly noble1 self-sacrific+ acts4 ,i d>e say y\r *ance w come1 %e repli$1 ?\gh y are n a man4 ,i fancy we all get1 m or less1 :at we want4 ,d y really ?9k s8 ,let me see1 !n1 :at ,i want mo/4 ,b ,i am /ay+ too long4 ,7 y p>ticul>ly busy8 ,no1 %e return$ smil+ly1 ,i am le>n+ t ! man :o wants me is ! man ,i want4 ,y are v good to say s4 ,well1 9 ! fir/ place1 ,i d really & truly want to be good4 ,n ) common goodness1 y "k1 b- ,b uncommon goodness1 %e put 94 ,i mean t ,i want to be v1 v good4 ,i %\ld l next be/ to be le>n$ & accompli%$4 ,!n ,i %\ld want to be p]fectly well & p]fectly happy4 ,& a pleasant home1 ( c\rse1 ,i mu/ h1 ) fri5ds to love me1 & l me1 too4 ,& ,i c't get along )\t "s pretty1 ta/eful ?+s ab\t me4 ,b y are laugh+ at me6 ,h ,i said any?+ fooli%8 ,if ,i laugh$ x 0 n at y1 b at poor human nature t w\ld fa9 grasp ev]y?+ at once4 ,all[+ t y %\ld possess all y h j describ$1 :]e is ! h]oism y s mu* admire = ex]cise8 ,t is j :at ,i 0 say+4 ,t is j :at tr\bles me4 ,to be sure1 :ile p]fectly well & happy1 9 a pleasant home2 ) fri5ds to love & admire y-- ,oh1 ,i did n say admire1 ,i int]rupt$4 ,t 0 j :at y meant1 my de>4 ,i am afraid x 01 n[ ,i come to ?9k x ov]4 ,well1 ) pl5ty ( fri5ds1 good 9 an uncommon way1 accompli%$1 le>n$1 & surr\nd$ ) pretty & ta/eful objects1 y\r life w c]ta9ly be 9 dang] ( n prov+ v sublime4 ,x is a great pity1 ,i said1 mus+ly4 ,suppose !n y cont5t y\rself = ! pres5t ) do+ 9 a fai?ful1 quiet1 p]si/5t way all ! little1 homely tasks t return ) ea* return+ day1 ea* "o z unto ,god1 & p]haps by & by y w ?us h ga9$ /r5g? = a m h]oic life4 ,b ,i don't "k h[4 ,y h "s little home duties1 ,i suppose8 ,yes2 ,i h ! c>e ( my own room1 & "m wants me to h a g5]al ov]sight ( ! p>lor2 y "k we h b "o p>lor n[4 ,is t all y h to d8 ,:y1 my music & draw+ take up a good deal ( my "t1 & ,i read & /udy m or less1 & g out "s1 & we h a good _m visitors4 ,i suppose1 !n1 y keep y\r room 9 nice lady-l ord]1 & t ! p>lor is du/$ e morn+1 loose music put out ( ! way1 books re/or$ to _! places- ,n[ ,i "k "m has be5 tell+ y4 ,y\r "m has told me no?+ at all4 ,well1 !n1 ,i said1 laugh+1 b a little a%am$1 ,i don't keep my room 9 nice ord]1 & "m really sees to ! p>lor h]self1 ?\gh ,i pret5d to d x4 ,& is %e nev] annoy$ by ?is neglect8 ,oh1 yes1 v mu* annoy$4 ,!n1 de> ,katy1 suppose y\r fir/ act ( h]oism to-morr[ %\ld be ! gratify+ y\r "m 9 ^! little ?+s1 little ?\gh !y are4 ,surely y\r fir/ duty1 next to pleas+ ,god1 is to please y\r "m1 & 9 e possible way to sweet5 & beautify h] life4 ,y may dep5d ^u x t a life ( real h]oism & self-sacrifice mu/ beg9 & lay its f\ndation 9 ?is little _w1 :]e9 x le>ns its fir/ lesson & takes its fir/ /eps4 ,& d y really ?9k t ,god notices su* little ?+s8 ,my de> *ild1 :at a "q6 ,if !re is any "o tru? ,i w\ld gladly impress on ! m9d ( a y ,*ri/ian1 x is j ?is1 t ,god notices ! mo/ trivial act1 accepts ! poore/1 mo/ ?readb>e little s]vice1 li/5s to ! colde/1 feeble/ petition1 & ga!rs up ) p>5tal fondness all our fragm5t>y desires & attempts at good works4 ,oh1 if we c\ld only beg9 to conceive h[ ,he loves u1 :at diff]5t creatures we %\ld be6 ,i felt inspir$ by h] en?usiasm1 ?\gh ,i don't ?9k ,i q und]/& :at %e means4 ,i did n d>e to /ay any long]1 =1 ) h] great ho/ ( *ildr51 %e mu/ h h] h&s full4 ,m>* #be4-,"m is v mu* a/oni%$ to see h[ nicely ,i am keep+ ?+s 9 ord]4 ,i 0 fly+ ab\t ?is morn+1 s++1 & du/+ ! furniture1 :5 %e came 9 & began1 ,he t is fai?ful 9 t :i* is lea/-b ,i ran at h] my bru%1 & w\ld n let h] f9i%4 ,i really1 really don't des]ve to be prais$4 ,= ,i h be5 ?9k+ t1 if x is true t ,god notices e little ?+ we d to please ,him1 ,he mu/ also notice e cross ^w we speak1 e %rug ( ! %\ld]s1 e ungraci\s look1 & t !y displease ,him4 ,& my li/ ( su* (f5ces is z long z my life4 ,m>* #bi-,ye/]day1 = ! fir/ "t s9ce t dreadful bl[1 ,i felt "s return ( my natural gayety & *e]fulness4 ,x seem$ to come h& 9 h& ) my fir/ real ef=t to g s f> out ( myself z to try to d exactly :at w\ld gratify de> "m4 ,b to-day ,i am all d[n aga94 ,i miss ,amelia's fri5d%ip1 = "o ?+4 ,to be sure ,i wond] h[ ,i ev] came to love su* a sup]ficial "* s devot$ly1 b ,i mu/ h somebody to love1 & p]haps ,i inv5t$ a lovely creature1 & call$ x by h] "n1 & b[$ d[n to x & wor%ip$ x4 ,i c]ta9ly did s 9 reg>d to him ^: he>t less cruelty has left me s sad1 s desolate4 ,ev5+4-,"m has be5 v pati5t & =be>+ ) me all day4 ,to-night1 aft] tea1 %e said1 9 h] g5tle/1 t5d]e/ way1 ,de> ,katy1 ,i feel v sorry = y4 ,b ,i see "o pa? :i* y h n yet tri$1 :i* c lead y out ( ^! sore /raits4 ,y h tri$ liv+ = y\rself a good _m ye>s1 & ! result is great we>9ess & heav9ess ( s\l4 ,try n[ to live = o!rs4 ,take a class 9 ! ,sunday-s*ool4 ,g ) me to visit my poor p4 ,y w be a/oni%$ to f9d h[ mu* suff]+ & sickness !re is 9 ?is _w1 & h[ delightful x is to sympa?ize ) & try to relieve x4 ,?is advice 0 v repugnant to me4 ,my "t is pretty fully occupi$ ) my books1 my music & my draw+4 ,& ( all places 9 ! _w ,i hate a sick-room4 ,b1 on ! :ole1 ,i w take a class 9 ! ,sunday-s*ool4 ,*apt] #e ,v4 ,,april #f4 ,i h tak5 x at la/4 ,i w\ld n take "o be=e1 because ,i knew ,i c\ld n tea* little *ildr5 h[ to love ,god1 unless ,i lov$ ,him myself4 ,my class is p]fectly delightful4 ,!re are twelve de> little ?+s 9 x1 ( all ages betwe5 eight & n9e4 ,elev5 are girls1 & ! "o boy makes me m tr\ble ?an all ( !m put toge!r4 ,:5 ,i get !m all ab\t me1 & _! sweet innoc5t faces look up into m9e1 ,i am s happy t ,i c h>dly help /opp+ e n[ & !n to kiss !m4 ,!y ask ! v /range/ que/ions ,i mean to sp5d a great deal ( "t 9 prep>+ ! lesson1 & 9 hunt+ up /ories to illu/rate x4 ,oh1 ,i am s glad ,i 0 ev] born into ?is beautiful _w1 :]e !re w always be de> little *ildr5 to love6 ,,april #ac4-,sunday has come aga91 & ) x my d>l+ little class6 ,dr4 ,cabot has prea*$ delightfully all day1 & ,i feel t ,i beg9 to und]/& 8 prea*+ bett]1 & t x mu/ d me good4 ,i long1 ,i truly long to please ,god2 ,i long to feel z ! be/ ,*ri/ians feel1 & to live z !y live4 ,,april #bj4-,n[ t ,i h ^! twelve little ones to in/ruct1 ,i am m ?an ev] 9 e>ne/ ab\t sett+ !m a good example ?r\gh ! week4 ,x is true !y d n1 mo/ ( !m1 "k h[ ,i sp5d my "t1 nor h[ ,i act4 ,b ,i "k1 & :5ev] ,i am consci\s ( n practic+ :at ,i prea*1 ,i am bitt]ly a%am$ & griev$4 ,h[ mu* "w1 badly done1 ,i am n[ hav+ to undo4 ,if ,i _h begun 9 e>ne/ to s]ve ,god :5 ,i 0 z "y z ^! *ildr5 are1 h[ _m wrong habits ,i %\ld h avoid$2 habits t entangle me n[1 z 9 s _m nets4 ,i am try+ to take ea* ( ^! little g5tle girls by ! h& & to lead h] to ,*ri/4 ,poor ,johnny ,ross is n s docile z !y are1 & tries my pati5ce to ! la/ degree4 ,,april #bg4-,?is morn+ ,i _h my little flock ab\t me1 & talk$ to !m out ( ! v bottom ( my he>t ab\t ,jesus4 ,!y left _! seats & got close to me 9 a circle1 lean+ on my lap & dr9k+ 9 e ^w4 ,all ( a sudd5 ,i 0 aw>e1 z by a magnetic influ5ce1 t a great lumb]+ man 9 ! next seat 0 look+ at me out ( two ( ! blacke/ eyes ,i ev] saw1 & evid5tly li/5+ to :at ,i 0 say+4 ,i 0 disconc]t$ at fir/1 !n angry4 ,:at imp]t95ce4 ,:at rud5ess6 ,i am sure he mu/ h se5 my displeasure 9 my face1 = he got up :at ,i suppose he meant = a blu%1 t is he turn$ sev]al %ades d>k] ?an he 0 be=e1 giv+ "o ! idea t he is full ( black r ?an r$ blood4 ,i %\ld n h rememb]$ x1 h[ev]-by x-,i mean 8 imp]t95ce--if he _h n %ortly aft] made a really excell5t address to ! *ildr54 ,p]haps x 0 a little above _! compreh5sion1 b x %[$ a good deal ( ?\ght & e>ne/ness4 ,i meant to ask :o he 01 b =got x4 ,?is has be5 a delightful ,sunday4 ,i h really fea/$ on ,dr4 ,cabot's prea*+4 ,b ,i am satisfi$ t !re is some?+ 9 religion ,i d n yet compreh5d4 ,i d wi% ,i positively knew t ,god _h =giv5 & accept$ me4 ,,may #f4-,la/ ev5+ ,cl>a ,ray _h a little p>ty & ,i 0 !re4 ,%e has a great knack at gett+ ! "r sort ( p toge!r1 & ( mak+ !m enjoy !mselves4 ,i sang sev]al songs1 & s did ,cl>a1 b !y all said my voice 0 f9] & 9 bett] tra9+ ?an h]s4 ,x is delightful to be ) cultivat$1 agreeable p4 ,i c\ld h /ay$ all night1 b "m s5t = me be=e any "o else _h ?\ght ( go+4 ,,may #g4-;,i h be5 on a *>m+ excursion to-day ) ,cl>a ,ray & all h] set4 ,i 0 r tir$1 b _h an invitation to a conc]t ?is ev5+ :i* ,i c\ld n resi/4 ,,july #ba4-,s mu* has be5 go+ on t ,i h n _h "t to write4 ,!re is no end to ! picnics1 drives1 p>ties1 etc41 ?is summ]4 ,i am afraid ,i am n gett+ on at all4 ,my pray]s are dull & %ort1 & full ( w&]+ ?\ghts4 ,i am brimful ( vivacity & good humor 9 company1 & z soon z ,i get home am /upid & peevi%4 ,i suppose ?is w always be s1 z x always has be5 & ,i decl>e ,i w\ld r be s ?an su* a vapid1 flat creature z ,m>y ,jones1 or su* a dull1 heavy "o z big ,lucy ,m]rill4 ,,july #bd4-;,cl>a ,ray says ! girls ?9k me reckless & imprud5t 9 spee*4 ,i've a good m9d n to g ) h] set any m4 ,i am afraid ,i h be5 a good deal dazzl$ by ! att5tions ,i h receiv$ ( late2 & n[ comes ?is bl[ at my vanity4 ,on ! :ole1 ,i feel greatly out ( sorts ?is ev5+4 ,,july #bh4-,p talk ab\t happ9ess to be f\nd 9 a ,*ri/ian life4 ,i wond] :y ,i d n f9d m6 ,on ,sundays ,i am pretty good1 & always seem to />t afre%2 b on week-days ,i am drawn along ) ^? ab\t me4 ,all my pleasures are innoc5t ones2 !re is surely no h>m 9 go+ to conc]ts1 driv+ out1 s++1 & mak+ little visits6 ,b ^! ?+s di/ract me2 !y absorb me2 !y make religi\s duties irksome4 ,i almo/ wi% ,i c\ld %ut myself up 9 a cell1 & s get out ( ! rea* ( temptation4 ,! tru? is1 ! j\rney heav5w>d is all up hill ,i h to =ce myself to keep on4 ,! wond] is t anybody gets !re ) s mu* to oppose--- s little to help "o6 ,,july #bi4-;,x is high "t to /op & ?9k4 ,i h be5 l "o runn+ a race1 & am /opp+ to take brea?4 ,i d n l ! way 9 :i* ?+s h be5 go+ on ( late4 ,i feel re/less & ill at ease4 ,i see t if ,i w\ld be happy 9 ,god1 ,i mu/ give ,him all4 ,& !re is a wick$ reluctance to d t4 ,i want ,him-b ,i want to h my own way1 too4 ,i want to walk humbly & s(tly be=e ,him1 & ,i want to g :]e ,i %all be admir$ & applaud$4 ,to :om %all ,i yield8 ,to ,god8 ,or to myself8 ,,july #cj4-;,i met ,dr4 ,cabot to-day1 & c\ld n1 help ask+ ! "q3 ,is x "r = me to s+ & play 9 company :5 all ,i d x = is to be admir$8 ,are y sure x is all y d x =8 he return$4 ,oh1 ,i said1 ,i suppose !re may be a spr9kl+ ( desire to ent]ta9 & please1 mix$ ) ! love ( display4 ,d y suppose t y\r love ( display1 all[+ y h x1 w\ld be =ev] sla9 by y\r m]ely refus+ to s+ 9 company8 ,i ?\ght t might give x a pretty h>d bl[1 ,i said1 if n its dea?-bl[4 ,mean:ile1 91 puni%+ y\rself y puni% y\r poor innoc5t fri5ds1 he said laugh+4 ,no *ild1 g on s++2 ,god has giv5 y ?is p[] ( ent]ta9+ &1 gratify+ y\r fri5ds4 ,b1 pray )\t ceas+1 t y may s+ f pure b5evol5ce & n f pure self-love4 ,:y1 d p pray ab\t su* ?+s z t8 ,i cri$4 ,( c\rse !y d4 ,:y1 ,i w\ld pray ab\t my little f+]1 if my little f+] w5t a/ray4 ,i look$ at 8 little f+]1 b saw no signs ( its becom+ s*ismatic4 ,,aug4 #c4-,?is morn+ ,i took great delight 9 pray+ = my little s*ol>s1 & w5t to ,sunday-s*ool z on w+s4 ,b on rea*+ my seat1 :at 0 my horror to f9d ,m>ia ,p]ry !re6 ,oh1 y\r seat is *ang$1 said %e4 ,i am to h half y\r class1 & ,i l ?is seat bett] ?an ^? high] up4 ,i suppose y don't c>e8 ,b ,i d c>e1 ,i return$2 & y h tak5 my v be/ *ildr5-! v sweete/ & ! v prettie/4 ,i %all speak to ,mr4 ,williams ab\t x directly4 ,at any rate1 ,i w\ld n fly into su* a fury1 %e said4 ,x is j z pleasant to me to h pretty *ildr5 to tea* z x is to y4 ,mr4 ,williams said he _h no d\bt y w\ld be glad to divide y\r class ) me1 z x is s l>ge2 & ,i d\bt if y ga9 any?+ by speak+ to him4 ,!re 0 no "t = fur!r discussion1 z s*ool 0 ab\t to beg94 ,i w5t to my new seat ) great disgu/1 & f\nd x v inconv5i5t4 ,! *ildr5 c\ld n clu/] ar\nd me z !y did be=e1 & ,i got on ) ! lesson v badly4 ,i am sure ,m>ia ,p]ry has no gift at tea*+ little *ildr51 & ,i feel q vex$ & disappo9t$4 ,?is has n be5 a pr(itable ,sunday1 & ,i & n[ go+ to b$1 *e]less & uneasy4 ,,aug4 #i4-,mr4 ,williams call$ ?is ev5+ to say t ,i am to h my old seat & all ! *ildr5 aga94 ,all ! mo!rs _h be5 to see him1 or _h writt5 him notes ab\t x1 & reque/$ t ,i cont9ue to tea* !m4 ,mr4 ,williams said he hop$ ,i w\ld g on tea*+ = tw5ty ye>s1 & t z fa/ z 8 little girls grew old en\gh to come to ,sunday-s*ool he %\ld want me to take *>ge ( !m4 ,i %\ld h be5 greatly elat$ by ^! complim5ts1 b = ! display ,i made ( myself to ,m>ia ,p]ry on ,sunday4 ,oh1 t ,i c\ld le>n to bridle my unlucky tongue6 ,,jan4 #ae1 #ahce4-,to-day ,i am tw5ty4 ,t s\nds v old1 yet ,i feel pretty mu* z ,i did be=e4 ,i h begun to visit "s ( "m's poor folks ) h]1 & am a/oni%$ to see h[ !y love h]1 h[ pla9ly !y let h] talk to !m4 ,z a g5]al rule1 ,i d n ?9k poor p are v int]e/+1 & !y are always ungrateful4 ,we w5t fir/ to see old ,jacob ,/one4 ,i h be5 !re a good _m times ) ! baskets ( nice ?+s "m takes su* com=t 9 s5d+ him1 b nev] w\ld g 94 ,i 0 %ock$ to see h[ worn away he 04 ,he seem$ 9 great di/ress ( m9d1 & begg$ "m to pray ) him4 ,i d n see h[ %e c\ld4 ,i am p]fectly sure t no e>?ly p[] c\ld ev] induce me to g r\nd pray+ on b>e floors1 ) p sitt+1 rock+ & />+ all ! "t1 z ! two ,/one girls />$ at "m4 ,h[ t5d]ly %e pray$ = him6 ,we !n w5t to see ,susan ,gre54 ,%e _h made a c>pet = h] room by sew+ toge!r little bits ( pieces giv5 h]1 ,i suppose1 by p]sons = :om %e works1 = %e goes ab\t fitt+ & mak+ c>pets4 ,x look$ bright & *e]ful4 ,%e _h a nice b$ 9 ! corn]1 cov]$ ) a :ite quilt1 & "s little ornam5ts 7 arrang$ ab\t ! room4 ,"m complim5t$ h] on h] neatness1 & said a que5 might sleep 9 su* a b$ z t1 & hop$ %e f\nd x z com=table z x look$4 ,m]cy on u6 %e cri$ out1 x a9't to sleep 96 ,i sleep up 9 ! l(t1 t ,i climb to by a ladd] e night4 ,"m look$ a little amus$1 & !n %e sat & li/5$1 pati5tly1 to a long acc\nt ( h[ ! poor old ?+ _h inve/$ h] money2 h[ ,mr4 ,jones did n pay ! int]e/ regul>ly1 & h[ ,mr4 ,/ev5s haggl$ ab\t ! p]c5tage4 ,aft] we came away1 ,i ask$ "m h[ %e c\ld li/5 to su* a rigm>ole 9 pati5ce1 & :at good %e suppos$ %e _h done by h] visit4 ,:y ! poor creature likes to %[ (f h] bright c>pet & nice b$1 h] *airs1 h] vases & h] knick-knacks1 & %e likes to talk ab\t h] belov$ money1 & h] bank /ock4 ,i may n h done h] any good2 b ,i h giv5 h] a pleasure1 & s h y4 ,:y1 ,i h>dly spoke a ^w4 ,yes1 b y\r m]e pres5ce gratifi$ h]4 ,& if %e ev] gets into tr\ble1 %e w feel k9dly t[>ds u = ! sake ( our sympa?y ) h] pleasures1 & w let u sympa?ize ) h] sorr[s4 ,i confess ?is did n seem a privilege to be covet$4 ,%e is n nice at all1 & takes snuff4 ,we w5t next to see ,bridget ,%annon4 ,"m _h lo/ sight ( h] = "s ye>s1 & _h j he>d t %e 0 sick & 9 great want4 ,we f\nd h] 9 b$2 !re 0 no furniture 9 ! room1 & ?ree little half-nak$ *ildr5 sat ) _! b>e feet 9 "s a%es :]e !re _h be5 a little fire4 ,?ree su* disconsolate faces ,i nev] saw4 ,"m s5t me to ! ne>e/ bak]'s = bread2 ,i ran ne>ly all ! way1 & ,i h>dly "k :i* ,i enjoy$ mo/1 "m's eag]ness 9 di/ribut+1 or ! *ildr5's 9 clut*+ at & dev\r+ x4 ,i am go+ to cut up "o or two old dresses to make ! poor ?+s some?+ to cov] !m4 ,"o ( !m has lovely hair t w\ld curl beautifully if x 7 only bru%$ out4 ,i told h] to come to see me to-morr[1 %e is s v pretty4 ,^? few visits us$ up ! v "t ,i usually sp5d 9 draw+4 ,b on ! :ole ,i am glad ,i w5t ) "m1 because x has gratifi$ h]4 ,besides1 "o mu/ ei!r /op read+ ! ,bible altoge!r1 or else leave (f sp5d+ "o's :ole "t 9 j do+ easy pleasant ?+s "o likes to d4 ,,jan4 #bj4-,! little ,%annon girl came1 & ,i wa%$ h] face & h&s1 bru%$ out h] hair & made x curl 9 lovely gold5 r+lets all r\nd h] sweet face1 & c>ri$ h] 9 great triumph to "m4 ,look at ! de> little ?+1 "m6 ,i cri$2 doesn't %e look l a l9e ( poetry8 ,y fooli%1 romantic *ild6 quo? "m4 ,%e looks1 to me1 l a v ord9>y l9e ( prose4 ,a slice ( bread & butt] & a piece ( g+]bread mean m to h] ?an ^! elaborate r+lets possibly c4 ,!y get 9 h] eyes1 & make h] neck cold2 see1 !y are dripp+ ) wat]1 & ! *ild is all 9 a %iv]4 ,s say+1 "m fold$ a t[el r\nd its neck1 to cat* ! fall+ drops1 & w5t = bread & butt]1 ( :i* ! *ild consum$ a quantity t1 0 absolutely appall+4 ,to cr[n all1 ! ungrateful little ?+ w\ld n s mu* z look at me f t mom5t1 b clung to "m1 turn+ its back ^u me 9 supreme contempt4 ,moral4-,mo!rs occasionally "k m ?an _! daught]s d4 ,*apt] #f ,,vi4 ,,janu>y #bd4 ,a ,message came ye/]day morn+ f ,susan ,gre5 to ! effect t %e _h _h a dreadful fall1 & 0 half kill$4 ,"m want$ to set (f at once to see h]1 b ,i w\ld n let h] g1 z %e has "o ( h] wor/ colds4 ,%e !n ask$ me to g 9 h] place4 ,i turn$ up my nose at ! b>e ?\ght1 ?\gh ,i d>e say x turns up en\gh on its own acc\nt4 ,oh1 "m6 ,i said1 reproa*fully t dirty old woman6 ,"m made no answ]1 & ,i sat d[n at ! piano1 & play$ a little4 ,b ,i only play$ discords4 ,d y ?9k x is my duty to run aft] su* horrid old wom58 ,i ask$ "m1 at la/4 ,i ?9k1 de>1 y mu/ make y\r own duties1 %e said k9dly4 ,i d>e say t at y\r age ,i %\ld h made a great deal out ( my p]sonal repugnance to su* a woman z ,susan1 & v little out ( h] suff]+s4 ,i believe ,i am ! mo/ fa/idi\s creature 9 ! _w4 ,sick-rooms ) _! intol]able smells ( camphor1 & v9eg> & mu/>d1 _! gloom & _! :9es & _! groans1 actually make me %udd]4 ,b 0 x n j su* fa/idi\sness t made ,*a-no1 ,i won't utt] 8 "n----t made somebody we>y ( my possibilities8 ,& has t t]rible lesson really done me no good8 ,,jan4 #bf4-,no soon] _h ,i writt5 ! above ?an ,i scrambl$ into my cloak & bonnet1 & flew1 on ! w+s ( holy indignation1 to ,susan ,gre54 ,su* w+s fly fa/1 & got me a little out ( brea?4 ,i f\nd h] ly+ on t nice :ite b$ ( h]s1 9 a frill$ cap & night-g[n4 ,x seems %e fell f h] ladd] 9 climb+ to ! dismal d5 :]e %e sleeps1 & lay all night 9 great di/ress ) "s s]i\s int]nal injury4 ,i f\nd h] groan+ & compla9+ 9 a fe>ful way4 ,are y 9 su* pa98 ,i ask$1 z k9dly z ,i c\ld4 ,x isn't ! pa91 %e said1 x isn't ! pa94 ,x's ! way my nice b$ is go+ to wreck & ru91 & ! />* all gett+ out ( my frills t ,i flut$ ) my own h&s4 ,& ! doctor's bill1 & ! m$ic9es2 oh1 de>1 de>1 de>6 ,j !n ! doctor came 94 ,aft] exam9+ h]1 he said to a woman :o seem$ to h *>ge ( h]3 ,are y ! nurse8 ,oh1 no1 ,i only /epp$ 9 to see :at ,i c\ld d = h]4 ,:o is to be ) h] to-night1 !n8 ,nobody knew4 ,i w s5d a nurse1 !n1 he said4 ,b "s "o else w be ne$$ also1 he add$1 look+ at me4 ,i w /ay1 ,i said4 ,b my he>t di$ )9 me4 ,! doctor took me aside4 ,h] injuries are v s]i\s1 he said4 ,if %e has any fri5ds1 !y ought to be s5t =4 ,y don't mean t %e is go+ to die8 ,i ask$4 ,i fe> %e is4 ,b n imm$iately4 ,he took leave1 & ,i w5t back to ! b$side4 ,i saw !re no long] a snuffy1 repulsive old woman1 b a human be+ ab\t to make t my/]i\s j\rney a f> c\ntry :5ce !re is no return4 ,oh1 h[ ,i wi%$ "m 7 !re6 ,susan1 ,i said1 h y any relatives8 ,no1 ,i hav5't1 %e answ]$ %>ply4 ,& if ,i _h !y ne$n't come pr[l+ ar\nd me4 ,i don't want no relations ab\t my body4 ,w\ld y l to see ,dr4 ,cabot8 ,:at %\ld ,i want ( ,dr4 ,cabot8 ,don't tease1 *ild4 ,consid]+ ! def]5ce ) :i* %e _h h]et(ore treat$ me1 ?is 0 q a new ord] ( ?+s4 ,i sat d[n & tri$ to pray = h]1 sil5tly1 9 my he>t4 ,:o 0 to g ) h] on t long j\rney1 & :]e 0 x to end8 ,! woman :o _h be5 c>+ = h] n[ w5t away1 & x 0 gr[+ d>k4 ,i sat /ill li/5+ to my own he>t1 :i* beat till x half *ok$ me4 ,:at 7 y & ! doctor :isp]+ ab\t8 %e sudd5ly bur/ out4 ,he ask$ me1 = "o ?+1 if y _h any fri5ds t c\ld be s5t =4 ,i've be5 my own be/ fri5d1 %e return$4 ,:o'd h rak$ & scrap$ & ho>d$ & c\nt$ = ,susan ,gre5 if ,i hadn't ha' done x8 ,i've got en\gh to make me com=table z long z ,i live1 & :5 ,i lie on my dy+ b$4 ,b y c't c>ry x ) y1 ,i said4 ,?is highly orig9al rem>k 0 all ,i _h c\rage to utt]4 ,i wi% ,i c\ld1 %e cri$4 ,i suppose y ?9k ,i talk awful4 ,!y say y are gett+ mo/ to be z mu* ( a sa9t z y\r ma4 ,x's born 9 "s1 & 9 "s x a9't4 ,d get a light4 ,x's lonesome "h 9 ! d>k1 & cold4 ,i 0 ?ankful en\gh to enliv5 ! d>k room ) light & fire4 ,b ,i saw n[ t ! ?91 yell[1 h>d face _h *ang$ sadly4 ,%e fix$ h] two little black eyes on me1 evid5tly />tl$ by ! expression ( my face4 ,look "h1 *ild1 ,i a9't hurt to speak (1 am ,i8 ,! doctor says y are hurt s]i\sly4 ,my tone mu/ h said m ?an my words did = %e caught me by ! wri/ & held me fa/4 ,he didn't say no?+ ab\t my-ab\t x be+ dang]\s8 ,i a9't dang]\s1 am ,i8 ,i felt ready to s9k4 ,oh ,susan6 ,i gasp$ out2 y hav5't any "t to lose4 ,y're go+1 y're go+6 ,go+6 %e cri$2 go+ :]e8 ,y don't mean to say ,i'm a-dy+8 ,:y1 x beats all my calculations4 ,i 0 go+ to live ev] s ye>s1 & save up ev] s mu* money1 & :5 my "t come1 ,i 0 go+ to put on my be/ flut$ night-g[n & night-cap1 & lay my head on my h&some pill[1 & draw ! clo!s up ov] me1 neat & tidy1 & die dec5t4 ,b "h's my b$ all 9 a toss1 & my frills all 9 a crumple & my room all upside d[n1 & bottles ( m$ic9e sett+ ar\nd alongside ( my vases1 & nobody "h b y1 j a girl1 & no?+ else6 ,all ?is came out by j]ks1 z x 71 & at int]vals4 ,don't talk s6 ,i fairly scream$4 ,pray1 pray to ,god to h m]cy on y6 ,%e look$ at me1 bewild]$1 b yet z if ! tru? _h rea*$ h] at la/4 ,pray y\rself6 %e said1 eag]ly4 ,i don't "k h[4 ,i c't ?9k4 ,oh1 my "t's come my "t's come6 ,& ,i a9't ready6 ,i a9't ready6 ,get d[n on y\r knees & pray ) all y\r1 might & ma94 ,& ,i did2 %e hold+ my wri/ tightly 9 h>d h&4 ,all at once ,i felt h] hold relax4 ,aft] t ! next ?+ ,i knew ,i 0 ly+ on ! floor & somebody 0 da%+ wat] 9 my face4 ,x 0 ! nurse4 ,%e _h come at la/1 & f\nd me by ! side ( ! b$1 :]e ,i _h fall51 & _h be5 try+ to revive me ev] s9ce4 ,i />t$ up & look$ ab\t me4 ,! nurse 0 clos+ ,susan's eyes 9 a pr(essional way1 & p]=m+ o!r little s]vices ( ! sort4 ,! room wore an air ( p]fect desolation4 ,! clo!s ,susan _h on :5 %e fell lay 9 a =lorn heap on a *air2 h] %oes & /ock+s 7 ?r[n hi!r & ?i!r2 ! mahogany bureau1 9 :i* %e _h tak5 s mu* pride1 0 cov]$ ) vials1 to make room = :i* "s pretty trifles _h be5 ha/ily ?ru/ aside4 ,i rememb]$ :at ,i _h once said to ,mrs4 ,cabot ab\t hav+ ta/eful ?+s ab\t me1 ) a sort ( %udd]4 ,:at a mock]y !y are 9 ! awful pres5ce ( dea?6 ,"m met me ) op5 arms :5 ,i rea*$ home4 ,%e 0 mu* %ock$ at :at ,i _h to tell1 & at my hav+ enc\nt]$ su* a sc5e alone ,i %\ld h felt myself q a h]o9e "u h] c>esses if ,i _h n be5 ov]come ) bitt] regret t ,i _h n1 ) firmness & dignity turn$ poor ,susan's la/ ?\ghts to h] ,savi\r4 ,oh1 h[ c\ld ,i1 ?r\gh mis]able c[>dice1 let ^? preci\s mom5ts slip by6 ,feb #bg4-;,i h le>n$ "o ?+ by ye/]day's exp]i5ce t is wor? kn[+4 ,x is ?is3 duty looks m repell+ at a di/ance ?an :5 fairly fac$ & met4 ,( c\rse ,i h read ! l9es1 ,nor "k we any?+ s fair ,z is ! smile ^u ?y face2 b ,i seem to be "o ( ! /upid sort1 :o nev] appreh5d a ?+ till !y exp]i5ce x4 ,n[1 h[ev]1 ,i h se5 ! smile1 & f9d x s fair1 t ,i %all gladly plod ?r\gh _m a h>d%ip & trial to meet x aga94 ,poor ,susan6 ,p]haps ,god he>d my pray] = h] s\l1 & reveal$ ,himself to h] at ! v la/ mom5t4 ,m>* #b4-,su* a /range ?+ has happ5$6 ,susan ,gre5 left a w1 bequea?+ h] preci\s sav+s to :oev] (f]$ ! la/ pray] 9 h] he>+6 ,i d n want1 ,i nev] c\ld t\* a p5ny ( t h>dly-e>n$ /ore2 & if ,i did1 no e>?ly motive w\ld tempt me to tell a human be+1 t x 0 (f]$ by me1 an inexp]i5c$1 trembl+ girl1 driv5 to x by m]e desp]ation6 ,s x has gone to ,dr4 ,cabot1 :o w n use x = himself1 ,i am sure1 b w be delight$ to h x to give to poor p1 :o really besiege him4 ,! la/ "t he call$ to see h] he talk$ & pray$ ) h]1 & says %e seem$ pleas$ & grateful1 & promis$ to be m regul> at *ur*1 :i* %e _h be51 ev] s9ce4 ,m>* #bh4-;,i feel all out ( sorts4 ,"m says x is ow+ to ! /ra9 ,i w5t ?r\gh at ,susan's dy+ b$4 ,%e wants me to g to visit my aunt ,m>y1 :o is always urg+ me to come4 ,b ,i d n l to leave my little ,sunday s*ol>s1 nor to give "m ! occasion to d5y h]self 9 ord] to meet ! exp5se ( su* a long j\rney4 ,besides1 ,i %\ld h to h "s new dresses1 a new bonnet1 & lots ( ?+s4 ,to-day ,dr4 ,cabot has s5t me "s directions = :i* ,i h be5 begg+ him a long "t4 ,le/ ,i %\ld we> out ?is preci\s lett] by read+ x ov]1 ,i w copy x "h4 ,aft] allud+ to my compla9t t ,i /ill saw m5 z trees walk+1 he says3 ,yet he :o fir/ utt]$ ?is compla9t _h _h 8 eyes op5$ by ! ,son ( ,god1 & s h y4 ,n[ ,he nev] leaves ,8 "w incomplete1 & ,he w gradually lead y into cle> & op5 vision1 if y w all[ ,him to d x4 ,i say gradually1 because ,i believe ?is to be ,8 usual me?od1 :ile ,i d n d5y t !re are cases :]e light sudd5ly bur/s 9 l a flood4 ,to return to ! bl9d man4 ,:5 ,jesus f\nd t 8 cure 0 n complete1 ,he put ,8 h&s aga9 ^u 8 eyes1 & made him look up2 & he 0 re/or$1 & saw e man cle>ly4 ,n[ ?is mu/ be done = y2 & 9 ord] to h x done y mu/ g to ,*ri/ ,himself1 n to "o ( ,8 s]vants4 ,make y\r compla9t1 tell ,him h[ obscure ev]y?+ /ill looks to y1 & beg ,him to complete y\r cure ,he may see fit to try y\r fai? & pati5ce by delay+ ?is completion2 b mean:ile y are safe 9 ,8 pres5ce1 & :ile l$ by ,8 h&2 ,he w excuse ! mi/akes y make1 & pity y\r falls4 ,b y w imag9e t x is be/ t ,he %\ld at once enable y to see cle>ly4 ,if x is1 y may be sure ,he w d x4 ,he nev] makes mi/akes4 ,b ,he (t5 deals f> diff]5tly ) ,8 disciples4 ,he lets !m grope _! way 9 ! d>k until !y fully le>n h[ bl9d !y are1 h[ helpless1 h[ absolutely 9 ne$ ( ,him4 ,:at ,8 me?ods w be ) y ,i _c =etell4 ,b y may be sure t ,he nev] works 9 an arbitr>y way4 ,he has a reason = ev]y?+ ,he does4 ,y may n und]/& :y ,he leads y n[ 9 ?is way & n[ 9 t1 b y may1 nay1 y mu/ believe t p]fection is /amp$ on ,8 e act4 ,i am afraid t y are 9 dang] ( fall+ into an error only too common among "y ,*ri/ians4 ,y ackn[l$ge t !re has be5 enmity to t[>ds ,god 9 y\r secret s\l1 & t "o ( ! fir/ /eps t[>ds peace is to become reconcil$ to ,him & to h y\r s9s =giv5 = ,*ri/'s sake4 ,?is done1 y settle d[n ) ! feel+ t ! great "w ( life is done1 & t y\r salvation is sure4 ,or1 if n sure1 t y\r :ole bus9ess is to /udy y\r own case to see :e!r y are really 9 a /ate ( grace4 ,_m p]sons nev] get beyond ?is po9t4 ,!y sp5d _! :ole "t 9 ask+ ! "q3 ',d ,i love ! ,"l or no8 ,am ,i ,8 or am ,i n8' ,i beg y1 my de> *ild1 if y are do+ ?is aimless1 useless "w1 to /op %ort at once4 ,life is too preci\s to sp5d 9 a tread-mill44 ,hav+ be5 p>don$ by y\r ,god & ,savi\r1 ! next ?+ y h to d is to %[ y\r gratitude = ?is inf9ite favor by consecrat+ y\rself entirely to ,him1 body1 s\l1 & _s4 ,?is is ! lea/ y c d4 ,he has b\ght y ) a price1 & y are no long] y\r own4 ',b1' y may reply1 '?is is contr>y to my nature4 ,i love my own way4 ,i desire ease & pleasure2 ,i desire to g to heav51 to be c>ri$ ?i!r on a b$ ( fl[]s4 ,c ,i n give myself s f> to ,god z to feel a sweet s5se ( peace ) ,him1 & be sure ( f9al salvation1 & yet1 to a c]ta9 ext5t1 indulge & gratify myself8 ,if ,i give myself entirely away 9 ,him & lose all own]%ip 9 myself1 ,he may d5y me _m ?+s ,i greatly desire4 ,he may make my life h>d & we>isome1 depriv+ me ( all t n[ makes x agreeable4' ,b1 ,i reply1 ?is is no matt] ( p>ley & discussion2 x is n optional ) ,god's *ildr5 :e!r !y w pay ,him a "p ( ! price !y owe ,him1 & keep back ! re/4 ,he asks1 & ,he has a "r to ask1 = all y h & all y are4 ,& if y %r9k f :at is involv$ 9 su* a surr5d]1 y %\ld fly to ,him at once & nev] re/ till ,he has conqu]$ ?is secret dis9cl9ation to give to ,him z freely & z fully z ,he has giv5 to y4 ,x is true t su* an act ( consecration on y\r "p may involve no little future discipl9e & correction4 ,z soon z y become ! ,"l's by y\r own delib]ate & consci\s act1 ,he w beg9 t process ( sanctification :i* is to make y holy z ,he is holy1 p]fect z ,he is p]fect4 ,he becomes at once1 y\r physician z well z y\r de>e/ & be/ ,fri5d1 b ,he w use no pa9ful rem$y t c be avoid$4 ,rememb] t x is ,8 w t y %\ld be sanctifi$1 & t ! "w ( mak+ y holy is ,81 n y\rs4 ,at ! same "t y are n to sit ) fold$ h&s1 wait+ = ?is bless+4 ,y are to avoid lay+ h9drances 9 ,8 way1 & y are to ex]cise fai? 9 ,him z j z able & j z will+ to give y sanctification z ,he 0 to give y r$emption4 ,& n[ if y ask h[ y may "k t y h truly consecrat$ y\rself to ,him1 ,i reply1 obs]ve e indication ( ,8 w conc]n+ y1 no matt] h[ trivial1 & see :e!r y at once close 9 ) t w4 ,lay d[n ?is pr9ciple z a law--,god does no?+ arbitr>y4 ,if ,he takes away y\r heal?1 = in/ance1 x is because ,he has "s reason = do+ s2 & ?is is true ( ev]y?+ y value2 & if y h real fai? 9 ,him y w n insi/ on kn[+ ?is reason4 ,if y f9d1 9 ! c\rse ( daily ev5ts1 t y\r self-consecration 0 n p]fect-t is1 t y\r w revolts at ,8 w-d n be disc\rag$1 b fly to y\r ,savi\r & /ay 9 ,8 pres5ce till y obta9 ! _s 9 :i* ,he cri$ 9 ,8 h\r ( angui%1 ',fa!r1 if ,?\ be will+1 remove ?is cup f me3 nev]!less1 n my w b ,?9e be done4' ,e "t y d ?is x w be easi] to d x2 e su* cons5t to suff] w br+ y ne>] & ne>] to ,him2 & 9 ?is ne>ness to ,him y w f9d su* peace1 su* bless$1 sweet peace1 z w make y\r life inf9itely happy1 no matt] :at may be its m]e outside conditions4 ,j ?9k1 my de> ,katy1 ( ! honor & ! joy ( hav+ y\r w "o ) ! ,div9e w1 & s becom+ *ang$ into ,*ri/'s image f glory to glory6 ,b ,i _c say1 9 a lett]1 ! ti! ( :at ,i want to say4 ,li/5 to my s]mons f week to week & glean f !m all ! in/ruction y c1 rememb]+ t !y are prea*$ to y4 ,9 read+ ! ,bible ,i advise y to *oose deta*$ passages1 or ev5 "o v]se a day1 r :ole *apt]s4 ,/udy e ^w1 pond] & pray ov] x till y h got out ( x all ! tru? x conta9s4 ,z to ! o!r devotional read+1 x is bett] to settle d[n on a few favorite au?ors1 & read _! works ov] & ov] & ov] until y h dige/$ _! ?\ghts & made !m y\r own4 ,x has be5 said 't a fix$1 inflexible w is a great assi/ance 9 a holy life4' ,y c w to *oose = y\r associates ^? :o are mo/ dev\t & holy4 ,y c w to read books t w /imulate y 9 y\r ,*ri/ian life1 r ?an ^? t m]ely amuse4 ,y c w to use e means ( grace appo9t$ by ,god4 ,y c w to sp5d mu* "t 9 pray]1 )\t reg>d to y\r frame at ! mom5t4 ,y c w to pref] a religion ( pr9ciple to "o ( m]e feel+2 9 o!r1 words1 to obey ! w ( ,god :5 no com=table gl[ ( emotion accompanies y\r ob$i5ce4 ,y _c w to possess ! _s ( ,*ri/2 t mu/ come z ,8 gift2 b y c *oose to /udy ,8 life1 & to imitate x4 ,?is w infallibly lead to su* self-d5y+ "w z visit+ ! poor1 nurs+ ! sick1 giv+ ( y\r "t & money to ! ne$y1 & ! l4 ,if ! ?\ght ( su* self-d5ial is repugnant to y1 rememb] t x is en\gh = ! disciple to be z 8 ,"l4 ,& let me assure y t z y p5etrate ! labyr9? ( life 9 pursuit ( ,*ri/ian duty1 y w (t5 be surpris$ & *>m$ by meet+ y\r ,ma/] ,himself amid its w9d+s & turn+s1 & receive ,8 s\l-inspir+ smile4 ,or1 ,i %\ld r say1 y w always meet ,him :]ev] y g4 ,i h read ?is lett] aga9 & aga94 ,x has tak5 su* hold ( me t ,i c ?9k ( no?+ else4 ,! idea ( seek+ hol9ess _h nev] s mu* z cross$ my m9d4 ,& ev5 n[ x seems l presumption = su* a "o z ,i to utt] s sacr$ a ^w4 ,& ,i %r9k f committ+ myself to su* a pursuit1 le/ aft] a "t ,i %\ld fall back into ! old r\t9e4 ,& ,i h an undef9$1 wick$ dread ( be+ s+ul>1 z well z a c]ta9 t]ror ( self-d5ial & loss ( all lib]ty4 ,b no *oice seems left to me4 ,n[ t my duty has be5 cle>ly po9t$ out to me1 ,i d n /& :]e ,i did be=e4 ,& ,i feel1 m+l$ ) my indol5ce & love ( ease & pleasure1 "s draw+s t[>ds a high] & bett] life4 ,!re is "o ?+ ,i c d1 & t is to pray t ,jesus w\ld d = me :at ,he did = ! bl9d man-put ,8 h&s yet aga9 ^u my eyes & make me to see cle>ly4 ,& ,i w4 ,,m>*1 #cj4-,yes1 ,i h pray$1 & ,he has he>d me4 ,i see t ,i h no "r to live = myself1 & t ,i mu/ live = ,him4 ,i h giv5 myself to ,him z ,i nev] did be=e1 & h ent]$1 z x 71 a new _w4 ,i 0 v happy :5 ,i began to believe 9 ,8 love = me1 & t ,he _h r$eem$ me4 ,b ?is new happ9ess is deep]2 x involves some?+ high] ?an gett+ to heav5 at la/1 :i* has1 hi!rto1 be5 my great aim4 ,m>* #ca4-,! m ,i pray1 & ! m ,i read ! ,bible1 ! m ,i feel my ignorance4 ,& ! m e>ne/ly ,i desire hol9ess1 ! m utt]ly unholy ,i see myself to be4 ,b ,i h pl$g$ myself to ! ,"l1 & ,i mu/ pay my v[s1 co/ :at x may4 ,i h begun to read ,taylor's ,holy ,liv+ & ,dy+4 ,a mon? ago ,i %\ld h f\nd x a t$i\s1 dry book4 ,b ,i am read+ x ) a sort ( avidity1 l "o seek+ aft] hid treasure4 ,"m1 obs]v+ :at ,i 0 do+1 advis$ me to read x /raight ?r\gh1 b to m+le a passage n[ & !n ) *apt]s f o!r books4 ,%e sugge/$ my beg9n+ on ,baxt]'s ,sa9ts' ,re/1 & ( t ,i h read e ^w4 ,i %all read x ov]1 z ,dr4 ,cabot advis$1 till ,i h fully caught its _s4 ,ev5 ?is "o read+ has tak5 away my l+]+ fe> ( dea?1 & made heav5 awfully attractive4 ,i nev] mean to read worldly books aga91 & my music & draw+ ,i h giv5 up =ev]4 ,*apt] #g ,,vii4 ,"m ask$ me la/ ev5+ to s+ & play to h]4 ,i 0 emb>rass$ to "k h[ to excuse myself )\t tell+ h] my real reason = decl9+4 ,b someh[ %e got x out ( me4 ,"o ne$ n be fanatical 9 ord] to be religi\s1 %e said4 ,is x fanatical to give up all = ,god8 ,i ask$4 ,:at is x to give up all8 %e ask$1 9 reply4 ,:y1 to d5y "o's self e gratification & indulg5ce 9 ord] to mortify "o's natural incl9ations1 & to live entirely = ,him4 ,god is !n a h>d ,ma/]1 :o all[s 8 *ildr5 no lib]ty1 %e repli$4 ,n[ let u see :]e ?is !ory w lead y4 ,9 ! fir/ place y mu/ %ut y\r eyes to all ! beautiful ?+s ,he has made4 ,y mu/ %ut y\r eyes to all ! h>monies ,he has orda9$4 ,y mu/ %ut y\r he>t aga9/ all sweet human affections4 ,y h a body1 x is true1 & x may revolt at su* bondage-- ,we are told to keep "u ! body1 ,i int]rupt$4 ,oh1 "m1 don't h9d] me6 ,y "k my love = music is a passion & t x is my sn>e & temptation4 ,& h[ c ,i sp5d my :ole "t 9 read+ ! ,bible & pray+1 if ,i g on ) my draw+8 ,x may d = o!r p to s]ve bo? ,god & ,mammon1 b n = me4 ,i mu/ belong :olly to ! _w or :olly to ,*ri/4 ,"m said no m1 & ,i w5t on ) my read+4 ,b someh[ my book seem$ to h lo/ its flavor4 ,besides1 x 0 "t to retire = my ev5+ devotions :i* ,i nev] put (f n[ till ! la/ ?+ at night1 z ,i us$ to d4 ,:5 ,i came d[n1 ,"m 0 ly+ on ! s(a1 by :i* ,i knew %e 0 n well4 ,i felt tr\bl$ t ,i _h refus$ to s+ to h]4 ,?9k ( ! money %e _h sp5t on t "p ( my education6 ,i w5t to h] & kiss$ h] ) a pang ( t]ror4 ,:at if %e 7 go+ to be v sick1 & to die8 ,x is no?+1 d>l+1 %e said1 no?+ at all4 ,i am tir$1 & felt a little fa9t4 ,i look$ at h] anxi\sly1 & ! b>e ?\ght t %e might die & leave me alone 0 s t]rible t ,i c\ld h>dly help cry+ out4 ,& ,i saw1 z by a fla% ( lightn+1 t if ,god took h] f me1 ,i c\ld n1 %\ld n say3 ,?y w be done4 ,b %e 0 bett] aft] tak+ a few drops ( lav5d]1 & :at color %e has came back to h] de> sweet face4 ,,april #ab4-;,dr4 ,cabot's lett] has lo/ all its p[] ov] me4 ,a /one has m feel+ ?an ,i4 ,i don't love to pray4 ,i am sick & tir$ ( ?is dreadful /ruggle aft] hol9ess2 good books are all alike1 flat & mean+less4 ,b ,i mu/ h some?+ to absorb & c>ry me away1 & ,i h come back to my music & my draw+ ) new ze/4 ,"m 0 "r 9 w>n+ me aga9/ giv+ !m up4 ,m>ia ,kelley is tea*+ me to pa9t 9 oil-colors1 & says ,i h a natural gift = x4 ,,april #ac4-,"m ask$ me to g to *ur* ) h] la/ ev5+1 & ,i said ,i did n want to g4 ,%e look$ surpris$ & tr\bl$4 ,are y n well1 de>8 %e ask$4 ,i don't "k4 ,yes4 ,i suppose ,i am4 ,b ,i c\ld n be /ill at *ur* five m9utes4 ,i am n]v\s t ,i feel z if ,i %\ld fly4 ,i see h[ x is1 %e said2 y h =gott5 t body ( y\rs1 ( :i* ,i rem9d$ y1 & h be5 try+ to live z if y 7 all s\l & _s4 ,y h be5 /ra9+ e n]ve to acquire p]fection1 :]eas ?is is ,god's gift1 & "o t ,he is will+ to give y1 fully & freely4 ,i h done seek+ = t or any?+ else t is good1 ,i said1 despond5tly4 ,& s ,i h gone back to my music & ev]y?+ else4 ,"h is j ! rock ^u :i* y split1 %e return$4 ,y speak ( go+ back to y\r music z if t impli$ go+ away f ,god4 ,y ru% f "o extreme to ano!r4 ,! only true way to live 9 ?is _w1 con/itut$ j z we are1 is to make all our employm5ts subs]ve ! "o great end & aim ( exi/5ce1 namely1 to glorify ,god & to enjoy ,him =ev]4 ,b 9 ord] to d ?is we mu/ be wise task-ma/]s1 & n require ( ourselves :at we _c possibly p]=m4 ,recreation we mu/ h4 ,o!rwise ! /r+s ( our s\l1 w\nd up to an unnatural t5sion1 w break4 ,oh1 ,i d wi%1 ,i cri$1 t ,god _h giv5 u pla9 rules1 ab\t :i* we c\ld make no mi/ake6 ,i ?9k ,8 rules are pla91 %e repli$4 ,& "s lib]ty ( action ,he mu/ leave u1 or we %\ld become m]e ma*9es4 ,i ?9k t ^? :o love ,him1 & wait ^u ,him day by day1 le>n ,8 w almo/ imp]ceptibly1 & ne$ n g a/ray4 ,b1 "m1 music & draw+ are %>p-edg$ tools 9 su* h&s z m9e4 ,i _c be mod]ate 9 my use ( !m4 ,& ! m ,i delight 9 !m1 ! less ,i delight 9 ,god4 ,yes1 ?is is human nature4 ,b ,god's div9e nature w supplant x1 if we only cons5t to let ,him "w 9 u ( ,8 own good pleasure4 ,new ,york1 ,april #af4-;,aft] all1 "m has come (f conqu]or1 & "h ,i am at ,aunty's4 ,aft] our quiet1 pla9 little home1 9 our quiet little t[n1 ?is seems l a new _w4 ,! h\se is l>ge1 b is z full z x c hold4 ,aunty has six *ildr5 h] own1 & has adopt$ two4 ,%e says %e ways meant to imitate ! old woman :o liv$ 9 a %oe4 ,%e rem9ds me ( "m1 & yet %e is v diff]5t2 full ( fun & en]gy2 fly+ ab\t ! h\se z on w+s1 ) a k9d1 bright ^w = ev]ybody4 ,all h] h\sehold affairs g on l clock-"w2 ! *ildr5 are always nicely dress$2 nobody ev] seems out ( humor2 nobody is ev] sick4 ,aunty is ! c5tral object r\nd :i* e body revolves2 y c't =get h] a mom5t1 %e is always do+ some?+ = y1 & !n h] unflagg+ good humor & *e]fulness keep y good-humor$ & *e]ful4 ,i don't wond] ,uncle ,alfr$ loves h] s4 ,i hope ,i %all h j su* a home4 ,i mean ?is is ! sort ( home ,i %\ld l if ,i ev] m>ri$1 :i* ,i nev] mean to d4 ,i %\ld l to be j su* a bright1 lov+ wife z ,aunty is2 to h my husb& lean on me z ,uncle leans on h]2 to h j z _m *ildr51 & to tra9 !m z wisely & k9dly u %e does h]s4 ,!n1 ,i %\ld feel t ,i _h n be5 born 9 va91 b _h a high & sacr$ mission on e>?4 ,b z x is1 ,i mu/ j pick up :at scraps ( usefulness ,i c1 & let ! re/ g4 ,,april #ah4-;,aunty says ,i sit writ+ & read+ & ?9k+ too mu*1 & wants me to g out m4 ,i tell h] ,i don't feel /rong en\gh to g out mu*4 ,%e says t is all nons5se1 & drags me out4 ,i get tir$1 & hungry1 & sleep l a baby a mon? old4 ,i see n[ "m's wisdom & k9dness 9 mak+ me leave home :5 ,i did4 ,i _h ve]$ ab\t f po9t to po9t till ,i 0 ne>ly ill4 ,n[ ,aunty keeps me well by mak+ me g out1 & de> ,dr4 ,cabot's preci\s lett] c "w a true & n a morbid "w 9 my s\l4 ,i am v happy4 ,i h delightful talks ) ,aunty1 :o sets me "r at ?is po9t & at t2 & x is beautiful to wat* h] home-life & to see ) :at sweet unconsci\sness %e c>ries h] religion into e detail4 ,i am sure x mu/ d me good to be "h2 & yet1 if ,i am gr[+ bett] h[ sl[ly1 h[ sl[ly1 x is6 ,somebody has said t 'our c\rse heav5w>d is l ! plan ( ! zeal\s pilgrims ( old1 :o = e ?ree /eps =w>d1 took "o backw>d4' ,,april #cj4-;,aunty's baby1 my de> fa!r's namesake1 & hi!rto ! m]rie/ little fell[ ,i ev] saw1 0 tak5 sick la/ night1 v sudd5ly4 ,%e s5t = ! doctor at once1 :o w\ld n say positively :at 0 ! matt]1 b ?is morn+ pron\nc$ x sc>let fev]4 ,! ?ree y\nge/ h all come d[n ) x to-day4 ,if !y 7 my *ildr51 ,i %\ld be 9 a p]fect worry & flurry4 ,inde$1 ,i am z x is4 ,b ,aunty is z bright & *e]ful z ev]4 ,%e flies f "o to ano!r1 & keeps up _! spirits ) h] own gayety4 ,i am mortifi$ to f9d t at su* a "t z ?is ,i c ?9k ( myself1 & t ,i f9d x irksome to be %ut up 9 sick-rooms1 in/ead ( walk+1 driv+1 visit+1 & ! l4 ,b1 z ,dr4 ,cabot says1 ,i c n[ *oose to imitate my ,ma/]1 :o sp5t ,8 :ole life 9 do+ good1 & ,i d hope1 too1 to be ( "s little use to ,aunty1 aft] h] k9dness to me4 ,,may #a4-,! doctor says ! *ildr5 are do+ z well z1 c\ld be expect$4 ,he made a %ort visit ?is morn+1 z x is ,sunday4 ,if ,i _h ev] se5 him be=e ,i %\ld say ,i _h "s unpleasant association ) him4 ,i wond] ,aunty employs su* a great clumsy man4 ,b %e says he is good1 & v skillful4 ,i wi% ,i did n take su* viol5t likes & dislikes to p4 ,i want my religion to *ange me 9 e respect4 ,,may #b4-,oh1 ,i "k n[6 ,?is is ! v :o 0 s rude at ,sunday-s*ool1 & aft]w>ds made su* a nice address to ! *ildr54 ,well he may "k h[ to speak 9 public1 b ,i am sure he doesn't 9 private4 ,i nev] knew su* a %ut-up man4 ,,may #d4-;,i h my h&s z full z !y c hold4 ,! *ildr5 h got s fond ( me1 & "o or ! o!r is 9 my lap ne>ly all ! "t4 ,i s+ to !m1 tell !m /ories1 build block-h\ses1 & relieve ,aunty all ,i c4 ,dull & poky z ! doctor is1 ,i am n afraid ( him1 = he nev] notices any?+ ,i say or d1 s :ile he is hold+ solemn consultations ) ,aunty 9 "o corn]1 ,i c s+ & talk all sorts ( nons5se to my little pets 9 m9e4 ,:at fe>ful black eyes he has1 & :at masses ( black hair6 ,?is busy life q suits me1 n[ ,i h got us$ to x4 ,& x sweet5s e bit ( "w to ?9k t ,i am do+ x 9 humble1 f>-(f1 yet real imitation ( ,jesus4 ,i am inde$ really & truly happy4 ,,may #ad4-;,x is n[ two weeks s9ce little ,raymond 0 tak5 sick1 & ,i h liv$ 9 ! nurs]y all ! "t1 ?\gh ,aunty has tri$ to make me g out4 ,little ,emma 0 tak5 d[n to-day1 ?\gh %e has be5 kept on ! ?ird floor all ! "t ,i feel dreadfully myself4 ,b ?is h>d1 cold doctor ( ,aunty's is s tak5 up ) ! *ildr5 t he nev] s mu* z looks at me4 ,i h be5 9 a p]fect %iv] all day1 b ^! m]ciless little folks call = /ories z eag]ly z ev]4 ,well1 let me be a com=t to !m if ,i c6 ,i hate selfi%ness m & m1 & am %ock$ to see h[ selfi% ,i h be54 ,,may #ae4-;,i 0 9 a burn+ fev] all night1 & my head a*$1 & my ?roat 0 & is v sore4 ,if knew ,i 0 go+ to die ,i w\ld burn up ?is j\rnal fir/4 ,i w\ld n h any "o see x = ! _w4 ,,may #bd4-;,dr4 ,elliott ask$ me on ,sunday morn+ a week ago if ,i /ill felt well4 ,= answ] ,i behav$ l a goose1 & bur/ out cry+4 ,aunty look$ m anxi\s ?an ,i h se5 h] look yet1 & reproa*$ h]self = hav+ all[$ me to be ) ! *ildr54 ,%e took me by "o elb[1 & ! doctor by ! o!r1 & !y m>*$ me (f to my own room1 :]e ,i 0 put ?r\gh ! usual r\t9e on su* occasions1 & !n ord]$ to b$4 ,i fell asleep imm$iately & slept all day4 ,! doctor came to see me 9 ! ev5+1 & made a %ort1 /iff little visit1 gave me a p[d]1 & said ?\ght ,i %\ld soon be bett]4 ,i _h two su* visits f him ! next day1 :5 ,i began to feel q l myself aga91 & 9 spite ( 8 grave1 /aid deportm5t1 c\ld n help lett+ my good spirits run away ) me 9 a /yle t evid5tly %ock$ him4 ,he says p]sons nurs+ sc>let fev] (t5 h su* little attacks z m9e2 inde$ e "o ( ! s]vants h _h a sore ?roat & heada*e4 ,,may #be4-,?is morn+1 j z ! doctor %uffl$ 9 on 8 big feet1 x came ov] me h[ ridicul\sly ,i mu/ h look$ ! day ,i 0 tak5 sick1 be+ walk$ (f betwe5 ,aunty & himself1 cry+ l a baby4 ,i bur/ out laugh+1 & no consid]ation ,i c\ld make to myself w\ld /op me4 ,i p9*$ myself1 ask$ myself h[ ,i %\ld feel if "o ( ! *ildr5 %\ld die1 & us$ o!r k9dr$ devices all to no purpose4 ,at la/ ! doctor1 gravity p]sonifi$ z he is1 jo9$ 91 ?\gh n kn[+ 9 ! lea/ :at he 0 laugh+ at4 ,!n he said1 ,aft] ?is1 ,i suppose1 ,i %all h to pron\nce y convalesc5t4 ,oh1 no6 ,i cri$4 ,i am v-sick inde$4 ,?is looks l x1 to be sure6 said ,aunty4 ,i suppose ?is w be y\r la/ visit1 ,dr4 ,elliott1 ,i w5t on1 & ,i am glad ( x4 ,aft] ! way ,i behav$ ! day ,i 0 tak5 sick1 ,i h be5 a%am$ to look y 9 ! face4 ,b ,i really felt dreadfully4 ,he made no answ] :atev]4 ,i don't suppose he w\ld speak a little flatt]+ ^w by way ( putt+ "o 9 good humor ) "o's self = ! :ole _w6 ,,june #a4-,we are all z well z ev]1 b ! doctor keeps "s ( ! *ildr5 /ill conf9$ to ! h\se = fe> ( bad consequ5ces foll[+ ! fev]4 ,he visits !m twice a day = ! same reason1 or at lea/ "u t pret5se1 b ,i really believe he comes because he has got ! habit ( com+1 & because he admires ,aunty s mu*4 ,%e has a real affection = him1 & is cont9ually ask+ me if ,i don't l ?is & t quality 9 him :i* ,i c't see at all4 ,we beg9 to drive out aga94 ,! wea!r is1 v w>m1 b ,i feel p]fectly well4 ,,june #b4-;,aft] ! *ildr5's d9n] to-day ,i took c>e ( !m :ile _! nurse got h]s & ,aunty w5t to lie d[n1 z %e is all tir$ out4 ,we 7 all full ( life & fun1 & "s ( ! little ones want$ me to play a play ( _! own inv5tion1 :i* 0 to lie d[n on ! floor1 cov] my face ) a h&k]*ief1 & make believe ,i 0 dead4 ,!y 7 to ga!r ab\t me1 & ,i 0 sudd5ly to come to life & jump up & try to cat* !m z !y all ran scamp]+ & scream+ ab\t4 ,we _h play$ 9 ?is int]e/+ way = "s "t1 & my hair1 :i* ,i keep 9 nice ord] n[adays1 0 pull$ d[n & fly+ e way2 :5 9 m>*$ ! doctor4 ,i />t$ up & came to life quickly en\gh :5 ,i he>d 8 /ep1 look+ r$ & angry1 no d\bt4 ,i %\ld ?9k y might h knock$1 ,dr4 ,elliott1 ,i said1 ) mu* displeasure4 ,i ask y\r p>don2 ,i knock$ sev]al times1 he return$4 ,i ne$ h>dly ask h[ my little pati5ts are4 ,no1 ,i repli$1 /ill ruffl$1 & mak+ desp]ate ef=ts to get my hair into "s sort ( ord]4 ,!y are z well z possible4 ,i came a little e>li] ?an usual to-day1 he w5t on1 because ,i am call$ to visit my uncle1 ,dr4 ,cabot1 :o is 9 a v critical /ate ( heal?4 ,dr4 ,cabot6 ,i repeat$1 bur/+ into te>s4 ,compose y\rself1 ,i entreat1 he said2 ,i hope t ,i may be able to relieve him4 ,at all ev5ts-- ,at all ev5ts1 if y let him die x w break my he>t1 ,i cri$ passionately4 ,don't wait ano!r mom5t2 g ?is in/ant4 ,i _c g ?is in/ant1 he repli$4 ,! boat does n leave until f\r o'clock4 ,& if ,i may be all[$1 z a physician1 to say "o ^w1 t my brief acqua9tance h>dly ju/ifies1 ,i d wi% to w>n y t unless y acquire m self-control- ,oh1 ,i "k t ,i h a quick temp]1 & t ,i spoke v rudely to y j n[1 ,i int]rupt$1 n a little />tl$ by ! s]i\sness ( 8 mann]4 ,i did n ref] to y\r temp]1 he said4 ,i meant y\r :ole passionate nature4 ,y\r vehem5t loves & hates1 y\r ec/asies & y\r despond5cies2 y\r disposition to ?r[ y\rself headlong into :atev] int]e/s y4 ,i w\ld r h too little self-control1 ,i retort$1 res5tfully1 ?an to be z cold z a /one1 & z h>d z a rock1 & z sil5t z ! grave1 l "s p ,i "k4 ,8 c\nt5ance fell2 he look$ disappo9t$1 ev5 pa9$4 ,i %all probably see y\r "m1 he said1 turn+ to g2 y\r aunt wi%es me to call on h]2 h y any message8 ,no1 ,i said4 ,ano!r pa9$1 disappo9t$ look made me beg9 to recollect myself4 ,i 0 sorry1 oh6 s sorry1 = my ang] & rud5ess4 ,i ran aft] him1 into ! hall1 my eyes full ( te>s1 hold+ out bo? h&s1 :i* he took 9 bo? 84 ,don't g until y h =giv5 me = be+ s angry6 ,i cri$4 ,inde$1 ,dr4 ,elliott1 ?\gh y n be able to believe x1 ,i am try+ to d "r all ! "t6 ,i d believe x1 he said e>ne/ly4 ,!n tell me t y =give me6 ,if ,i once beg91 ,i %all be tempt$ to tell some?+ else1 he said1 look+ me ?r\gh & ?r\gh ) ^? great dusky eyes4 ,& ,i w tell x1 he w5t on1 8 grasp on my h&s gr[+ firm]-,x is easy to =give :5 "o loves4 ,i pull$ my h&s away1 & bur/ out cry+ aga94 ,oh1 ,dr4 ,elliott ?is is dreadful6 ,i said4 ,y d n1 y _c love me6 ,y are s mu* old] ?an ,i am6 ,s grave & sil5t6 ,y are n 9 e>ne/8 ,i am only too mu* s1 he said1 & w5t quietly out4 ,i w5t back to ! nurs]y4 ,! *ildr5 ru%$ ^u me1 & insi/$ t ,i %\ld play die4 ,i let !m pull me ab\t z !y pleas$4 ,i only wi%$ ,i c\ld play x 9 e>ne/4 ,*apt] #h ,,viii ,,june #bh4 ,,"m writes me t ,dr4 ,cabot is out ( dang]1 ,dr4 ,elliott hav+ ?r[n new light on 8 case1 & p]=m$ "s sort ( an op]ation t reliev$ him at once4 ,i am go+ home4 ,no?+ w\ld tempt me to enc\nt] ^? black eyes aga94 ,besides1 ! wea!r is gr[+ w>m1 & ,aunty is gett+ ready to g out ( t[n ) ! *ildr54 ,,june #bi4-;,aunty insi/$ on kn[+ :y ,i 0 hurry+ home s sudd5ly1 & at la/ got x out ( me in* by in*4 ,on ! :ole x 0 a relief to h "s "o to speak to4 ,well6 %e said1 & lean$ back 9 h] *air 9 a fit ( mus+4 ,is t all y are go+ to say1 ,aunty8 ,i v5tur$ to ask at la/4 ,no1 ,i h "o m rem>k to add1 %e said1 & x is ?is3 ,i don't "k :i* ( y has behav$ mo/ ridicul\sly4 ,x w\ld relieve me to give y ea* a good %ak+4 ,i ?9k ,dr4 ,elliot has behav$ ridicul\sly1 ,i said1 & he has made me mo/ unhappy4 ,unhappy6 %e repeat$4 ,i don't wond] y are unhappy4 ,y h pa9$ & w\nd$ "o ( ! noble/ m5 t walks ! e>?4 ,x is n my fault4 ,i nev] tri$ to make him l me4 ,yes1 y did4 ,y 7 p]fectly bewit*+ :5ev] he came "h4 ,no mortal man c\ld help be+ fasc9at$4 ,i knew ?is 0 n true1 & bitt]ly res5t$ ,aunty's inju/ice4 ,if ,i want$ to 'fasc9ate' or 'bewit*' a man1 ,i cri$1 ,i %\ld n *oose "o old en\gh to be my fa!r1 nor "o :o 0 z un9t]e/+1 awkw>d & /iff z ,dr4 ,elliott4 ,besides1 h[ %\ld ,i "k he 0 n m>ri$8 ,if ,i ?\ght any?+ ab\t x at all1 ,i c]ta9ly ?\ght ( him z a middle-ag$ man1 settl$ d[n ) a wife1 long ago4 ,9 ! fir/ place he is n old1 or ev5 middle ag$4 ,he is n m ?an tw5ty-sev5 or eight4 ,z to 8 be+ un9t]e/+1 p]haps he is to y1 :o don't "k him4 ,& if he 7 a m>ri$ man1 :at bus9ess _h he to come "h to see z he has done8 ,i did n "k he came to see me2 he nev] spoke to me4 ,& ,i always said ,i w\ld nev] m>ry a doctor4 ,we all say scores ( ?+s we live to rep5t1 %e repli$4 ,b ,i mu/ own t ! doctor act$ q out ( "* :5 he expect$ y to take a fancy to him on su* %ort notice1 y romantic little ?+4 ,( c\rse kn[+ him z little z y d1 & only see+ him 9 sick-rooms1 y c\ld n h done o!rwise ?an z y did4 ,?ank y1 ,aunty1 ,i said1 runn+ & ?r[+ my arms ar\nd h]2 ?ank y ) all my he>t4 ,& n[ won't y take back :at y said ab\t my try+ to fasc9ate him8 ,i suppose ,i mu/1 y de> *ild1 %e said4 ,i 0 n half 9 e>ne/4 ,! tru? is ,i am s fond ( y bo? t ! idea ( y\r misund]/&+ ea* o!r annoys me extremely4 ,:y1 y 7 made = ea* o!r4 ,he w\ld tone y d[n & keep y /raight1 & y w\ld /imulate him & keep him awake4 ,i don't want to be ton$ d[n or kept /raight1 ,i remon/rat$4 ,i hate prigs :o keep _! wives 9 lead+-/r+s4 ,i d n mean to m>ry any "o1 b if ,i %\ld be left to su* a piece ( folly1 x mu/ be to "o :o w take me = bett] = worse2 j z ,i am1 & n z a wild plant = him to prune till he has got x into a %ape to suit him n[1 ,aunty1 promise me "o ?+4 ,nev] m5tion ,dr4 ,elliott's "n to me aga94 ,i %all make no su* promise1 %e repli$1 laugh+4 ,i l him1 & ,i l to talk ab\t him & ! m y hate & despise him ! m ,i %all love & admire him4 ,i only wi% my ,lucy 7 old en\gh to be 8 wife1 & t he c\ld fancy h]2 b he nev] c\ld6 ,on ! contr>y ,i %\ld ?9k t little model ( propriety w\ld j suit him1 ,i exclaim$4 ,don't make fun ( ,lucy1 ,aunty said1 %ak+ h] head4 ,%e is a de> good *ild1 aft] all4 ,aft] all means ?is 7= :at ) my own obs]vation1 & :at ,aunty has told me1 ,lucy's portrait is easy to pa9t7 ,! *ild is ! daught] ( a man :o di$ f a l+]+ illness caus$ by an accid5t4 ,%e ent]$ ! family at a mo/ inauspici\s mom5t1 two days aft] ?is accid5t4 ,f ! outset %e compreh5d$ ! situation & took ! gr\nd t a "* ( irreproa*able dignity & propriety became an infant com+ at su* a "t4 ,%e nev] cri$1 nev] put improp] objects into h] m\?1 nev] bump$ h] head1 or scrat*$ h]self4 ,once put to b$ at night1 y knew no?+ m ( h] till su* "t next day z y f\nd x conv5i5t to att5d to h]4 ,if y =got h] exi/5ce1 z 0 n seldom ! case "u ! circum/ances1 %e vegetat$ on1 unmov$4 ,x is possible t pangs ( hung] sometimes assail$ h]1 & x is a fact t %e tee!d1 _h ! measles & ! :oop+-c\gh4 ,b ^! m9ute ripples on h] infant life only %[$ ! m cle>ly :at a waveless1 placid little sea x 04 ,%e got h] tee? 9 ! ord] laid d[n 9 ,dewees on ,*ildr52 h] measles came out on ! appo9t$ day l well-behav$ measles z !y 7 & retir$ dec5tly & 9 ord]1 z measles %\ld4 ,h] :oop+-c\gh _h a well-br$1 me?odical air1 & left h] conqu]or ( ! field4 ,z ! *ild pass$ out ( h] babyhood1 %e rema9$ /ill h] "m's app5dage & glory2 a monum5t ( pure :ite m>ble1 display+ to ! human race "o in/ance at lea/ ( p]fect p>5tal tra9+4 ,^? smoo?1 r\nd h&s 7 always magically clean2 ! dress immaculate & uncrumpl$2 ! hair dutifully %9+ & tidy4 ,%e 0 a model *ild1 z %e _h be5 a model baby4 ,no slamm+ ( doors1 no litt] ( c>pets1 no patt]+ ( noisy feet on ! /airs1 no headless dolls1 no soil$ or torn books indicat$ h] pres5ce4 ,h] dolls 7 subject to a me?odical tra9+1 n unlike h] own4 ,!y rose1 !y 7 dress$1 !y took ! air1 !y retir$ = ! night1 ) clock-l regul>ity4 ,at ! advanc$ age ( eight1 %e ceas$ occupy+ h]self ) su* trifles1 & began a c\rse ( in/ructive read+4 ,h] lessons 7 receiv$ 9 mute submission1 l m$ic9e2 s _m doses1 s _m times a day4 ,an agreeable int]lude ( ne$lework 0 af=d$1 & ,dorcas-l1 _m 7 ! g>m5ts t result$ = ! poor4 ,give h] ! v eyes out ( y\r head1 cut (f y\r "r h& = h] if y *oose1 b don't expect a gu% ( en?usiasm t w\ld crumple y\r coll>2 %e w\ld z soon /rangle h]self z run headlong to embrace y4 ,if %e has any passions or emotions1 !y are kept "u2 b :o asks = passion 9 blanc-mange1 or seeks emotion 9 a com=table apple-pudd+8 ,:5 h] fa!r _h be5 dead a ye>1 h] "m m>ri$ a man ) a l>ge family ( *ildr5 & a v small purse4 ,lucy _h a h>d "t ( x1 especially z h] /ep-fa!r1 a quick1 impulsive man1 took a dislike to h]4 ,aunty _h no difficulty p]suad+ !m to give ! *ild to h]4 ,%e took f ! pure/ motives1 & x does seem z if %e ought to h m rew>d ?an %e gets4 ,%e decl>es1 h[ev]1 t %e has all ! rew>d %e c\ld ask 9 ! conviction t ,god accepts ?is attempt to please ,him4 ,lucy is n[ ne>ly f\rte52 v l>ge ( h] age1 ) a dead :ite sk91 pale blue eyes1 & a little light hair4 ,to he> h] talk is mo/ edify+4 ,h] babies are all babes2 %e nev] beg9s any?+ b comm5ces x2 %e nev] cries1 %e weeps2 nev] gets up 9 ! morn+1 b rises4 ,b :at am ,i writ+ all ?is =8 ,:y1 to escape my own ?\ghts1 :i* are any?+ b agreeable companions1 & to put (f answ]+ ! "q :i* mu/ be answ]$1 ,h ,i really made a mi/ake 9 refus+ ,dr4 ,elliott8 ,c\ld ,i n1 9 "t1 h come to love a man :o has s honor$ me8 ,,july #e4-;,"h ,i am aga91 safely at home1 & v pleasant x seems to be ) de> "m aga94 ,i h told h] ab\t ,dr4 ,e4 ,%e says v little ab\t x "o way or ! o!r4 ,,july #aj4-,"m sees t ,i am re/less & out ( sorts4 ,:at is x1 de>8 %e ask$1 ?is morn+4 ,has ,dr4 ,elliott any?+ to d ) ! unsettl$ /ate y are 98 ,:y1 no1 "m1 ,i answ]$4 ,my go+ away has brok5 up all my habits2 t's all4 ,/ill if ,i knew ,dr4 ,elliott did n c>e mu*1 & 0 beg9n+ to =get x1 ,i d>e say ,i %\ld feel bett]4 ,if y 7 p]fectly sure t y c\ld nev] return 8 affection1 %e said1 y 7 q "r 9 tell+ him s at once2 ,b if y _h any misgiv+s on ! subject1 x w\ld h be5 bett] to wait1 & to ask ,god to direct y4 ,yes1 x w\ld4 ,b at ! mom5t ,i _h no misgiv+s4 ,9 my usual headlong /yle ,i settl$ "o ( ! mo/ weighty que/ions ( my life1 )\t reflection1 )\t s mu* z "o sil5t appeal to ,god1 to tell me h[ to act4 ,& n[ ,i h =ev] repell$1 & ?r[n away a he>t t truly lov$ me4 ,he w g 8 way & ,i %all g m9e4 ,he nev] w "k1 :at ,i am only j beg9n+ to "k myself1 t ,i ye>n aft] 8 love ) unutt]able ye>n+4 ,i am n go+ to sit d[n 9 s5tim5tal despond5cy to weep ov] ?is irrep>able pa/4 ,no human be+ c\ld =give su* folly z m9e2 b ,god c4 ,9 my sorr[fulness & lonel9ess ,i fly to ,him1 & f9d1 :at is bett] ?an e>?ly felicity1 ! sweete/ peace4 ,he all[$ me to br+ ^u myself1 9 "o ha/y mom5t1 a %ad[ out ( :i* ,i %all n soon pass1 b ,he pities & ,he =gives me1 & ,i h _h _m preci\s mom5ts :5 ,i c\ld say s9c]ely & joyfully1 ,:om h ,i 9 heav5 b ,!e1 & !re is none ^u e>? t ,i desire besides ,!e4 ,) a "* /ill s undiscipl9$ z m9e1 ,i s]i\sly d\bt :e!r ,i c\ld h made him :o has honor$ me ) 8 unm]it$ affection4 ,sometimes ,i ?9k ,i am z impetu\s & z quick-temp]$ z ev]2 ,i get angry ) de> "m1 & ) ,james ev51 if !y oppose me2 h[ unfit1 !n1 ,i am to become ! mi/ress ( a h\sehold & ! wife ( a good a man6 ,h[ came he to love me8 ,i _c1 _c imag9e6 ,augu/ #ca4-,! la/ day ( ! v happie/ summ] ,i ev] sp5t4 ,if ,i _h only be5 will+ to believe ! te/imony ( o!rs ,i might h be5 j z happy long ago4 ,b ,i want$ to h all !re 0 9 ,god & all !re 0 9 ! _w1 at once1 & !re 0 a con/ant1 pa9ful /ruggle betwe5 ! two4 ,i hope t /ruggle is n[ ov]4 ,i delib]ately *oose & pref] ,god4 ,i h f\nd a sweet peace 9 try+ to please ,him su* z ,i nev] conceiv$ (4 ,i w\ld n *ange x = all ! be/ ?+s ?is _w c give4 ,b ,i h a great deal to le>n4 ,i am l a little *ild :o _c run to get :at he wants1 b approa*es x /ep by /ep1 sl[ly1 timidly-& yet approa*es x4 ,i am amaz$ at ! pati5ce ( my bless$ ,ma/] & ,tea*]1 b h[ ,i love ,8 s*ool6 ,septemb]4-,?is1 too1 has be5 a delightful mon? 9 a c]ta9 s5se4 ,amelia's m>riage1 at :i* ,i _h to be pres5t1 upset me a little1 b x 0 b a little ruffle on a deep sea ( peace4 ,i saw ,dr4 ,cabot to-day4 ,he is q well aga91 & speaks ( ,dr4 ,elliott's skill ) rapture4 ,he ask$ ab\t my ,sunday s*ol>s & my poor folks1 etc41 & ,i c\ld n help lett+ out a little ( ! new joy t has tak5 possession ( me4 ,?is is z x %\ld be1 he said4 ,i %\ld be sorry to see a p]son ( y\r temp]am5t en?usia/ic 9 ev]y?+ save religion4 ,d n be disc\rag$ if y /ill h "s ups & d[ns4 ',he t is d[n ne$ fe> no fall'2 b y are away up on ! heights1 & may h "o1 n[ & !n4 ,?is made me a little uncom=table4 ,i don't want any falls4 ,i want to g on to p]fection4 ,,oct4 #a4-,laura ,cabot came to see me to-day1 & seem$ v affectionate4 ,i hope we may see m ( ea* o!r ?an we h done1 %e began4 ,my fa!r wi%es x1 & s d ,i4 ,katy1 m5tally4-,ah6 ,he sees h[ unworldly1 h[ devot$ ,i am1 & s wants ,laura "u my influ5ce4 ,katy1 al\d4-,i am sure t is v k9d4 ,laura4-,n at all4 ,he kn[s x w be pr(itable to me to be ) y4 ,i get a good deal disc\rag$ at times1 & want a fri5d to /r5g!n & help me4 ,katy1 to h]self4-,yes1 yes1 he ?9ks me q exp]i5c$ & tru/wor?y4 ,katy1 al\d4-,i %all nev] d>e to try to help y4 ,laura4-,oh1 yes1 y mu/4 ,i am s f> beh9d y 9 ,*ri/ian exp]i5ce4 ,b ,i am a%am$ to write d[n any m4 ,aft] %e _h gone ,i felt delightfully puff$ up = a :ile4 ,b :5 ,i came up to my room ?is ev5+1 & knelt d[n to pray1 ev]y?+ look$ d>k & *aotic4 ,god seem$ f> away1 & ,i took no pleasure 9 speak+ to ,him4 ,i felt sure t ,i _h done some?+ or felt some?+ wrong1 & ask$ ,him to %[ me :at x 04 ,!re !n fla%$ into my m9d ! remembrance ( ! va91 conceit$ ?\ghts ,i _h _h dur+ ,laura's visit & ev] s9ce4 ,h[ p]fectly contemptible6 ,i h _h a fall inde$6 ,i ?9k n[ my fir/ mi/ake 0 9 tell+ ,dr4 ,cabot my secret1 sacr$ joys1 z if "s m]it ( m9e _h e>n$ !m = me4 ,t gave ,satan a f9e *ance to triumph ov] me6 ,aft] ?is ,i am det]m9$ to ma9ta9 ! utmo/ res]ve 9 respect to my religi\s exp]i5ces4 ,no?+ is ga9$ by runn+ to tell !m1 & mu* is lo/4 ,i feel depress$ & com=tless4 ,*apt] #i ,,ix4 ,,oct4 #aj4 ,,we h v sad news f ,aunty4 ,%e says my ,uncle is q brok5 d[n ) "s obscure disease t has be5 creep+ /eal?ily along = mon?s4 ,all 8 physicians agree t he mu/ give up 8 bus9ess & try ! effect ( a ye>'s re/4 ,dr4 ,elliott proposes 8 go+ to ,europe1 :i* seems to me ab\t z =midable z go+ to ! next _w4 ,aunty makes ! be/ %e c ( x1 b %e says ! ?\ght ( be+ sep>at$ f ,uncle a :ole ye> is dreadful4 ,i pray = h] day & night1 t ?is wild project may be giv5 up4 ,:y1 he w\ld be on ! ocean ev] s _m weeks1 expos$ to all ! discom=ts ( n>r[ qu>t]s & poor food1 & t j z w9t] is draw+ nigh6 ,,oct4 #ab4-;,aunty writes t ! voyage to ,europe has be5 decid$ on1 & t ,dr4 ,elliott is to accompany ,uncle1 travel ) him1 amuse him1 & br+ him home a well man4 ,i hope ,dr4 ,e4's p[] to amuse may exi/ some:]e1 b mu/ own x 0 9 a mo/ lat5t =m :5 ,i _h ! pleasure ( kn[+ him4 ,poor ,aunty6 ,h[ mu* bett] x w\ld be = h] to g ) ,uncle6 ,!re are ! *ildr51 to be sure4 ,well1 ,i hope ,uncle may be ! bett] = ?is great und]tak+1 b ,i don't l ! idea ( x4 ,,oct4 #ae4-;,ano!r lett] f ,aunty1 & new plans6 ,! ,dr4 is to /ay at home1 ,aunty is to g ) ,uncle1 & we-"m & myself-are to take possession ( ! h\se & *ildr5 dur+ _! abs5ce6 ,9 o!r words1 all ?is is to be if we say am54 ,c\ld any?+ be m frightful8 ,to refuse w\ld be selfi% & cruel4 ,if we cons5t ,i ?ru/ myself "u ,dr4 ,elliott's v nose4 ,,oct4 #af4-,"m is surpris$ t ,i c hesitate "o in/ant4 ,%e seems to h =gott5 all ab\t ,dr4 ,e4 ,%e says we c easily f9d a family to take ?is h\se = a ye>1 & t %e is delight$ to d any?+ = ,aunty t c be done4 ,nov4 #d4-;,"h we are1 ! :ole ?+ settl$4 ,uncle & ,aunty />t$ a week ago1 & we are mon>*s ( all we survey1 & ?is is a great deal4 ,i am det]m9$ t "m %all n be worn out ) ^! *ildr51 al?\gh ( c\rse ,i c\ld n manage !m )\t h] advice & help4 ,x is to be hop$ !y won't all h ! measles 9 a body1 or any?+ ( t sort2 ,i am sure x w\ld be annoy+ to ,dr4 ,e4 to come "h n[4 ,nov4 #be4-,( c\rse ! baby mu/ g on tee?+ if only to h ! doctor s5t = to lance 8 gums4 ,i told "m ,i 0 sure ,i c\ld n be pres5t :5 ?is 0 be+ done1 s1 ?\gh %e look$ surpris$1 & said p %\ld accu/om !mselves to su* ?+s1 %e volunte]$ to hold baby h]self4 ,nov4 #bf4-,! baby 0 afraid ( "m1 n be+ us$ to h]1 s %e s5t = me4 ,z ,i ent]$ ! room %e gave him to me ) an apology = do+ s1 s9ce ,i %rank f witness+ ! op]ation4 ,:at mu/ ,dr4 ,e4 ?9k ,i am made ( if ,i c't be> to see a *ild's gums lanc$8 ,h[ev]1 x is my own fault t he ?9ks me su* a c[>d1 = ,i made "m ?9k me "o4 ,x 0 v emb>rass+ to hold baby & h ! doctor's face s close to m9e4 ,i really wond] "m %\ld n see h[ awkw>dly ,i am situat$ "h4 ,nov4 #bg4-,we h a good _m visitors1 fri5ds ( ,uncle & ,aunty4 ,h[ un9t]e/+ mo/ p are6 ,!y all say ! same ?+1 namely1 h[ /range t ,aunty _h c\rage to und]take su* a voyage1 & to leave h] *ildr51 etc41 etc41 etc41 & :at 0 ,dr4 ,elliott ?9k+ ( to let !m g1 etc1 etc41 etc4 ,dr4 ,embury call$ to-day1 ) a pretty little fre% creature1 8 new wife1 :o hangs on 8 arm l a "w-bag4 ,he is ,dr4 ,elliott's intimate fri5d1 & spoke ( him v w>mly1 & s did 8 wife1 :o says %e has kn[n him always1 z !y 7 born & br\ght up 9 ! same village4 ,i wond] he did n m>ry h] himself1 in/ead ( leav+ h] = ,dr4 ,embury6 ,%e says he1 ,dr4 ,elliott1 ,i mean1 0 ! mo/ devot$ son %e ev] saw1 & t he des]ves 8 pres5t success because he has made su* sacrifices = 8 p>5ts4 ,i nev] met any "o :om ,i lik$ s well on s %ort acqua9tance--,i mean ,mrs4 ,embury1 ?\gh y might fancy1 y poor delud$ j\rnal y1 t ,i meant somebody else4 ,nov4 #cj4-;,i h s mu* to d t ,i h little "t = writ+4 ,! way ! *ildr5 we> out _! %oes & /ock+s1 ! spe$ ) :i* _! hair gr[s1 ! way !y bump _! heads & p9* _! f+]s1 & ! insatiable dem& = /ories1 is some?+ next to miracul\s4 ,n a day passes t somebody doesn't ne$ some?+ b\ght2 t somebody else doesn't *oke itself1 & t ,i don't h to tell /ories till ,i feel my intellect r$uc$ to ! size ( a pea4 ,if ev] ,i 0 alive & wide awake1 h[ev]1 x is j n[1 & 9 spite ( "s vague %ad[s (1 ,i don't "k :at1 ,i am v happy inde$4 ,s is de> "m4 ,%e & ! doctor h become bosom fri5ds4 ,he keeps h] mak+ beef-tea1 scrap+ l9t1 & boil+ calves feet = jelly1 till ! h\se smells l an hospital4 ,i suppose he ?9ks me a poor1 selfi%1 frivol\s girl1 :om no?+ w\ld tempt to raise a f+] = 8 invalids4 ,b1 ( c\rse1 ,i d n c>e :at he ?9ks4 ,dec4 #d4-;,dr4 ,elliott came ?is morn+ to ask "m to g ) him to see a *ild :o _h met ) a horrible accid5t4 ,%e turn$ pale1 & press$ h] lips toge!r1 b w5t at once to get ready4 ,!n my long-suppress$ wra? bur/ out4 ,h[ c y ask poor "m to g & see su* sights8 ,i cri$4 ,y mu/ ?9k h] no?+ b a /one1 if y suppose t aft] ! way 9 :i* my fa!r di$- ,x 0 inde$ mo/ ?\ghtless 9 me1 he int]rupt$2 b y\r "m is su* a r>e woman1 s decid$ & self-controll$1 yet s g5tle1 s full ( t5d] sympa?y1 t ,i h>dly "k :]e to look = j ! help ,i ne$ to-day4 ,if y c\ld see ?is poor *ild1 ev5 y w\ld ju/ify me4 ,ev5 y6 y mon/] ( selfi%ness1 he>t ( /one1 float+ bubble1 ev5 y w\ld ju/ify x6 ,h[ cruel1 h[ unju/1 h[ un=giv+ he is6 ,i ru%$ out ( ! room1 & cri$ until ,i 0 tir$4 ,,dec4 #f4-,"m says %e feels really grateful to ,dr4 ,e4 = tak+ h] to see t *ild1 & to help soo! & com=t x :ile he w5t ?r\gh ) a sev]e1 pa9ful op]ation :i* %e w\ld n describe1 because %e fanci$ ,i look$ pale4 ,i said ,i %\ld ?9k ! *ild's "m ! mo/ prop] p]son to soo! x on su* an occasion4 ,! poor ?+ has no "m1 %e said1 reproa*fully4 ,:at has got into y1 ,kate8 ,y d n seem at all l y\rself4 ,i %\ld ?9k y _h en\gh to d ) ?is great h\se to keep 9 ord]1 s _m m\?s to fill1 & s _m s]vants to ov]see1 )\t we>+ y\rself out ) nurs+ all ,dr4 ,elliott's poor folks1 ,i said1 gloomily4 ,! m ,i h to d ! happi] ,i am1 %e repli$4 ,de> ,katy1 ! old w\nd isn't heal$ yet1 & ,i l to be ) ^? :o h w\nds & bruises ( _! own4 ,& ,dr4 ,elliott seems to h div9$ ?is by in/9ct4 ,i ran & kiss$ h] de>1 pale face1 :i* gr[s m beautiful e day4 ,no wond] %e misses fa!r s6 ,he lov$ & honor$ h] beyond description1 & nev] =got "o ( ^? little c\rtesies :i* mu/ h a great deal to d ) a wife's happ9ess4 ,p said ( him t he 0 a g5tleman ( ! old s*ool1 & t race is dy+ out4 ,i feel a good deal out ( sorts myself4 ,oh1 ,i d s wi% to get above myself & all my *ildi%1 petty ways1 & to live 9 a region :]e !re is no temptation & no s96 ,,dec4 #bb4-;,i h be5 to see ,mrs4 ,embury to-day4 ,%e did n receive me z cordially z usual1 & ,i v soon resolv$ to come away4 ,%e deta9$ me1 h[ev]4 ,w\ld y m9d my speak+ to y on a c]ta9 subject8 %e ask$1 ) "s emb>rassm5t4 ,i felt myself flu% up4 ,i d n want to m$dle ) affairs t don't conc]n me1 %e w5t on1 b ,dr4 ,elliott & ,i h be5 intimate fri5ds all our lives4 ,& 8 disappo9tm5t has really di/ress$ me4 ,"o ( my moods came on1 & ,i c\ldn't speak a ^w4 ,y are n at all ! sort ( a girl ,i suppos$ he w\ld fancy1 %e cont9u$4 ,he always has said he 0 wait+ to f9d "s "o j l 8 "m1 & %e is "o ( ! g5tle/1 meeke/1 sweete/1 & faire/ among wom54 ,y ought to rejoice !n t he has escap$ ! sn>e1 ,i said1 9 a husky voice1 & is free to m>ry 8 ideal1 :5 he f9ds h]4 ,b t is j :at tr\bles me4 ,he is n free4 ,he does n atta* himself readily1 & ,i am afraid t x w be a long1 long "t be=e he gets ov] ?is unlucky passion = y4 ,passion6 ,i cri$1 contemptu\sly4 ,%e look$ at me ) "s surprise1 & !n w5t on4 ,mo/ girls w\ld jump at ! *ance ( gett+ su* a husb&4 ,i don't "k t ,i p>ticul>ly c>e to be class$ ) 'mo/ girls1' ,i repli$1 l(tily4 ,b if y only knew him z well z ,i d4 ,he is s noble1 s dis9t]e/$1 & is s belov$ by 8 pati5ts4 ,i c\ld tell y scores ( anecdotes ab\t him t w\ld %[ j :at he is4 ,?ank y1 ,i said1 ,i ?9k we h discuss$ ,dr4 ,elliott q en\gh already4 ,i _c say t he has elevat$ himself 9 my op9ion by mak+ y take up ! cudgels 9 8 def5ce4 ,y d him inju/ice1 :5 y say t1 %e cri$4 ,8 si/]1 ! only p]son to :om he confid$ ! /ate ( ?+s1 begg$ me to f9d out1 if ,i c\ld1 :e!r y _h any o!r atta*m5t1 & if h] bro!r's case 0 q hopeless4 ,b ,i am sorry ,i und]took ! task z x has annoy$ y s mu*4 ,i came away a good deal ruffl$4 ,:5 ,i got home "m said %e 0 glad ,i _h be5 out at la/ = a little recreation1 & t %e wi%$ ,i did n conf9e myself s to ! *ildr54 ,i said t ,i did n conf9e myself m ?an ,aunty did4 ,b t is diff]5t1 "m object$4 ,%e is _! own "m1 & love helps h] to be> h] burd54 ,s x does me1 ,i return$4 ,i love ! *ildr5 exactly z if !y 7 my own4 ,t1 %e said1 is impossible4 ,i c]ta9ly d1 ,i p]si/$4 ,"m w\ld n dispute ) me1 ?\gh ,i wi%$ %e w\ld4 ,a "m1 %e w5t on1 receives h] *ildr5 "o at a "t1 & gradually adju/s h]self to gradually increas+ burd5s4 ,b y take a :ole h\seful ^u y at once1 & ,i am sure x is too mu* = y4 ,y d n look or act l y\rself4 ,x isn't ! *ildr51 ,i said4 ,:at is x1 !n8 ,:y1 x's no?+1 ,i said1 petti%ly4 ,i mu/ say1 de>1 said "m1 n notic+ my mann]1 t y\r wond]ful devotion to ! *ildr51 aside f its effect on y\r heal? & temp]1 has giv5 me great delight4 ,i don't see :y1 ,i said4 ,v few girls ( y\r age w\ld give up _! :ole "t z y d to su* "w4 ,t is because v few girls are z fond ( *ildr5 z ,i am4 ,!re is no virtue 9 do+ exactly :at "o likes be/ to d4 ,!re1 g away1 y contr>y *ild1 said "m1 laugh+4 ,if y won't be prais$1 y won't4 ,s ,i came up "h & mop$ a little4 ,i don't see :at ails me4 ,b !re is an "u-curr5t ( peace t is n entirely di/urb$ by any outside ev5t4 ,9 spite ( my follies & my %ortcom+s1 ,i d believe t ,god loves & pities me1 & w yet p]fect t :i* conc]ne? me4 ,x is a great my/]y4 ,b s is ev]y?+4 ,dr4 ,elliott to ,mrs4 ,cr(ton3 ,& n[1 my de> fri5d1 hav+ issu$ my usual bullet9 ( heal?1 y may feel q at ease ab\t y\r de> *ildr51 & ,i come to a po9t 9 y\r lett] :i* ,i w\ld gladly pass ov] 9 sil5ce4 ,b ?is w\ld be b a poor return = ! int]e/ y express 9 my affairs4 ,bo? ladies are devot$ to y\r little flock1 & ,miss ,mortim] seems n to h a ?\ght b = !m4 ,! high op9ion ,i =m$ ( h] at ! outset is m ?an ju/ifi$ by all ,i see ( h] daily1 h\sehold life4 ,i "k :at h] faults are1 = %e seems to take delight 9 reveal+ !m4 ,b ,i also "k h] r>e virtues1 & :at a weal? ( affection %e has to be/[ on ! man :o is s happy z to w9 h] he>t4 ,b ,i %all nev] be t man4 ,h] gr[+ av]sion to me makes me dread a summons to y\r h\se1 & ,i h h>dly manl9ess en\gh to conceal ! pa9 ?is gives me4 ,i entreat y1 !re=e1 nev] aga9 to press ?is subject ^u me4 ,aft] all1 ,i w\ld n1 if ,i c\ld1 disp5se ) ! m9i/ry ( disappo9tm5t & unre/4 ,mrs4 ,cr(ton1 9 reply3 4 4 4 4 ,s %e hates y1 does %e8 ,i am *>m$ to he> x4 ,indiff]5ce w\ld be an al>m+ symptom1 b good1 cordial hatr$1 or :at looks l x1 is a mo/ hopeful sign4 ,! next *ance y get to see h] alone1 assure h] t y nev] %all repeat y\r fir/ (f5ce4 ,if no?+ comes ( x ,i am n a woman1 & nev] 0 "o2 nor is %e4 ,,m>* #be1 #ahcf4-,! ,new ,ye> & my bir?day h come & gone1 & ?is is ! fir/ mom5t ,i c\ld f9d = writ+ d[n all t has happ5$4 ,! day aft] my la/ date ,i 0 full ( s]i\s1 e>ne/ ?\ghts1 ( new desires to live1 )\t "o res]ve1 = ,god4 ,i 0 sm>t+ "u ! remembrance ( my folly at ,mrs4 ,embury's1 & ) a s5se ( vague disappo9tm5t & discom=t1 & _h to fly clos] ?an ev] to ,him4 ,9 ! ev5+ ,i ?\ght ,i w\ld g to ! usual weekly s]vice4 ,x is true ,i don't l pray]-meet+s1 & t is a bad sign1 ,i am afraid4 ,b ,i am det]m9$ to g :]e good p g1 & see if ,i c't le>n to l :at !y l4 ,"m w5t ) me1 ( c\rse4 ,:at 0 my surprise to f9d t ,dr4 ,e4 0 to preside6 ,i _h no idea t he 0 t sort ( a man4 ,! hymns !y sang 7 beautiful1 & did me good4 ,s 0 8 pray]4 ,if all pray]s 7 l t1 ,i am sure ,i %\ld l ev5+ meet+s z mu* z ,i n[ dislike !m4 ,he s evid5tly spoke to ,god 9 x1 & z if he 7 us$ to su* speak+4 ,he !n made a little address on ! m9i/ry ( disappo9tm5ts1 z he call$ x4 ,he spoke s *e]fully & hopefully t ,i began to see almo/ = ! fir/ "t ,god's reason = ! petty trials & crosses t help to make up e day ( "o's life4 ,he said !re 7 few :o 7 n con/antly disappo9t$ ) !mselves1 ) _! sl[ progress1 _! *ildi%ness & weakness2 disappo9t$ ) _! fri5ds :o1 /rangely en\gh1 7 nev] q p]fect en\gh1 & disappo9t$ ) ! _w1 :i* 0 always promis+ s mu* & giv+ s little4 ,!n he urg$ to a wise & pati5t cons5t to ?is discipl9e1 :i*1 if rightly us$1 w\ld help to temp] & /r5g!n ! s\l aga9/ ! day ( sorr[ & b]eavem5t4 ,b ,i am n do+ him ju/ice 9 ?is meagre report2 !re 0 some?+ almo/ heav5ly 9 8 expression :i* words _c describe4 ,com+ out ,i he>d "s "o ask1 ,:o 0 t "y cl]gyman8 & ! answ]1 ,oh1 t is only a doctor6 ,well6 ! next week ,i w5t aga91 ) "m4 ,we _h h>dly tak5 our seats :5 ,dr4 ,e4 m>*$ 9 ) ! sweete/ look+ little creature ,i ev] saw4 ,he 0 s tak5 up ) h] t he did n obs]ve ei!r "m or myself4 ,z %e sat by my side ,i c\ld n see h] full face1 b h] pr(ile 0 ne>ly p]fect4 ,h] eyes 7 ( t lovely blue "o sees 9 violets & ! skies1 ) long1 s(t eye-la%es1 & h] complexion 0 z pure z a baby's4 ,yet %e 0 n "o ( y\r doll beauties2 h] face express$ bo? feel+ & "*4 ,!y sang toge!r f ! same book1 ?\gh ,i (f]$ h] a %>e ( m9e4 ,( c\rse1 :5 p d t x c mean b "o ?+4 ,s x seems he has =gott5 me1 & consol$ himself ) ?is pretty little ?+4 ,no d\bt %e is l 8 "m1 t g5tle/1 meeke/1 sweete/ & faire/ among wom56 ,n[ if anybody %\ld be sick1 & he %\ld come "h1 ,i ?\ght1 :at w\ld become ( me8 ,i c]ta9ly c\ld n help %[+ t a love t c s soon take up ) a new object c\ld n h be5 a s5tim5t ( mu* dep?4 ,x is n pleasant to lose ev5 a portion ( "o's respect & e/eem = ano!r4 ,! next day "m w5t to visit an old fri5d ( h]s1 :o has a beautiful place outside ( ! city4 ,! baby's nurse _h iron+ to d1 s ,i promis$ to sit 9 ! nurs]y till x 0 f9i%$4 ,lucy came1 ) h] books1 to sit ) me4 ,%e always foll[s l my %ad[4 ,aft] a :ile ,mrs4 ,embury call$4 ,i hesitat$ a little ab\t tru/+ ! *ild to ,lucy's c>e1 = ?\gh h] prim ways h giv5 h] ! reputation ( be+ wise beyond h] ye>s1 ,i obs]ve t %e is apt to get into tr\ble :i* a quick-witt$ *ild w\ld ei!r avoid or jump out ( 9 a tw9kl+4 ,h[ev]1 *ildr5 are (t5 left to mu* y\ng] girls1 s1 ) _m cautions1 ,i w5t d[n1 resolv+ to /ay only a few mom5ts4 ,b ,i want$ s mu* to "k all ab\t t pretty little fri5d ( ,dr4 ,e4's t ,i let ,mrs4 ,embury /ay on & on1 ?\gh n a ray ( light did ,i get = my pa9s4 ,at la/ ,i he>d ,lucy's /ep com+ d[n/airs4 ,c\s9 ,katy1 %e said1 ent]+ ! room ) h] usual propriety1 ,i 0 seat$ by ! w9d[1 engag$ ) my /udies1 & ! *ildr5 7 play+ ab\t1 z usual1 :5 sudd5ly ,i he>d a %riek1 & "o ( !m ran pa/ me1 all 9 a blaze &- ,i believe ,i pu%$ h] out ( my way z ,i ru%$ up/airs1 = ,i took x = grant$ ,i %\ld meet ! little figure all 9 a blaze1 com+ to meet me4 ,b ,i f\nd x wrapp$ 9 a blanket1 ! flames ext+ui%$4 ,mean:ile1 ,mrs4 ,embury _h r\s$ ! :ole h\se1 & ev]ybody came runn+ up/airs4 ,get ! doctor1 "s ( y1 ,i cri$1 clasp+ ! poor little wri?+ =m 9 my arms4 ,& !n ,i look$ to see :i* ( !m x 01 & f\nd x 0 ,aunty's pet lamb1 ev]ybody's pet lamb1 our little lov+1 g5tle ,emma4 ,dr4 ,elliott mu/ h come on w+s1 = ,i _h n "t to be impati5t = 8 arrival4 ,he 0 z t5d] z a woman ) ,emma2 we cut (f & tore (f h] clo!s :]ev] ! fire _h t\*$ h]1 & he dress$ ! burns ) 8 own h&s4 ,he did n speak a ^w to me1 or ,i to him4 ,?is "t he did n f9d x necess>y to advise me to control myself4 ,i 0 z cold & h>d z a /one4 ,b :5 poor little ,emma's pi]c+ %rieks began to subside1 & %e came a little "u ! influ5ce ( "s soo?+ drops he _h giv5 h] at ! outset1 ,i began to feel t s5sation 9 ! back ( my neck t leads to conque/ ov] ! mo/ /ubborn & ! mo/ h]oic4 ,i _h j "t to get ,emma into ! doctor's arms1 & !n d[n ,i w5t4 ,i got ov] x 9 a m9ute1 & 0 up aga9 be=e any "o _h "t to come to ! rescue4 ,b ,dr4 ,e4 gave ,emma to ,mrs4 ,embury1 :o _h tak5 (f h] ?+s & be5 cry+ all ! "t1 & said 9 a l[ voice1 ,i beg y w n[ leave ! room1 & lie d[n4 ,& d n feel oblig$ to see me :5 ,i visit ! *ild4 ,t annoyance1 at lea/1 y %\ld sp>e y\rself4 ,no consid]ation %all make me neglect little ,emma1 ,i repli$1 defiantly4 ,by ?is "t ,mrs4 ,embury _h rock$ h] to sleep1 & %e lay1 pale & ) an air ( complete exhau/ion1 9 h] arms4 ,y mu/ lie d[n n[1 ,miss ,mortim]1 ,dr4 ,elliott said1 z he rose to g4 ,i w return 9 a few h\rs to see h[ y bo? d4 ,he /ood look+ at1 ,emma1 b did n g4 ,!n ,mrs4 ,embury ask$ ! "q ,i _h n d>$ to ask4 ,is ! poor *ild 9 dang]8 ,i _c say2 ,i tru/ n4 ,miss ,mortim]'s pres5ce ( m9d 9 ext+ui%+ ! flames at once1 has1 ,i hope1 sav$ its life4 ,x 0 n my pres5ce ( m9d1 x 0 ,lucy's6 ,i cri$1 eag]ly4 ,oh1 h[ ,i envi$ h] = be+ ! h]o9e1 & = ! surpris$1 delight$ smile ) :i* he w5t & took h] h&1 say+1 ,i congratulate y1 ,lucy6 ,h[ y\r "m w rejoice at ?is6 ,i tri$ to ?9k ( no?+ b poor little ,emma1 & ( ! rew>d ,aunty _h _h = h] k9dness to ,lucy4 ,b ,i ?\ght ( myself1 & h[ likely x 0 t "u ! same circum/ances ,i %\ld h be5 beside myself1 & done no?+4 ,?is1 & _m o!r emotions1 made me bur/ out cry+4 ,yes1 cry1 cry1 ) all y\r he>t1 said ,mrs4 ,embury1 lay+ ,emma g5tly d[n1 & com+ to get me into h] arms4 ,x w d y good1 poor *ild6 ,%e cri$ ) me1 till at la/ ,i c\ld lie d[n & try to sleep4 ,well1 ! days & ! weeks 7 v long aft] t4 ,de> "m _h a h>d "t1 :at ) h] anxiety ab\t ,emma1 & my crossness & unreasonabl5ess4 ,dr4 ,elliott came & w5t1 came & w5t4 ,at la/ he said all dang] 0 ov]1 & t our pati5t little d>l+ w\ld get well4 ,b 8 visits did n dim9i%2 he came twice & ?ree times e day4 ,sometimes ,i hop$ he w\ld tell u ab\t 8 new flame1 & sometimes ,i felt t ,i c\ld n he> h] m5tion$4 ,"o day "m 0 s unwell t ,i _h to help him dress ,emma's burns1 & ,i c\ld n help say+3 ,ev5 a "m's g5tle/ t\*1 full ( love z x is1 is almo/ r\gh comp>$ ) t ( "o tra9$ to su* c>eful h&l+ z y are4 ,he look$ gratifi$1 b said3 ,i am glad y beg9 to f9d t ev5 /ones feel1 sometimes4 ,ano!r "t some?+ 0 said ab\t ! fickl5ess ( wom54 ,mrs4 ,embury began x4 ,i fir$ up1 ( c\rse4 ,he seem$ a/oni%$ at my attack4 ,i said no?+1 he decl>$4 ,no1 b y look$ a good _m ?+s4 ,n[ ! fact is1 wom5 are n fickle4 ,:5 !y lose :at !y value mo/1 !y f9d x impossible to replace x4 ,b m5 console !mselves ) ! fir/ good ?+ t comes along4 ,i d>e say ,i spoke bitt]ly1 = ,i 0 ?9k+ h[ soon ,*----1 ,i mean somebody1 replac$ me 9 8 %all[ he>t1 & h[1 ) equal spe$1 ,dr4 ,elliott _h help$ himself to a new love4 ,i d n l ^! sweep+ ass]tions1 said ,dr4 ,elliott1 look+ a good deal annoy$4 ,i h to say :at ,i ?9k1 ,i p]si/$4 ,x is well to ?9k rightly1 !n1 he said1 gravely4 ,by ! bye1 h y he>d f ,hel58 ,mrs4 ,embury mo/ irrev]5tly ask$4 ,yes1 ,i1 he>d ye/]day4 ,i suppose y w be writ+ h]1 !n8 ,w y enclose a little note f me8 ,or r let me h ! lea/ corn] ( y\r %eet8 ,i 0 %ock$ at h] want ( delicacy4 ,( c\rse ?is ,hel5 mu/ be ! new love1 & h[ c\ld a woman ) two gra9s ( s5se imag9e he w\ld want to sp>e h] a "p ( 8 %eet6 ,i felt tir$ & irritat$4 ,z soon z ,dr4 ,elliott _h gone1 ,i began to give h] a good sett+ d[n4 ,i c\ld h>dly believe my e>s1 ,i said1 :5 ,i he>d y ask leave to write on ,dr4 ,elliott's %eet4 ,no wond]1 %e said1 laugh+4 ,i suppose y nev] knew :at x 0 to h to c\nt e %ill+1 & to d5y y\rself ! pleasure ( writ+ to a fri5d because ( :at x w\ld co/4 ,i'm sure ,i nev] did till ,i 0 m>ri$4 ,b to ask him to let y help write 8 love-lett]s1 ,i object$4 ,ah6 is t ! way ! w9d bl[s8 %e cri$1 nodd+ h] pretty little head4 ,well1 !n1 let me relieve y\r m9d1 my de>1 by in=m+ y t ?is 'love-lett]' is to 8 si/]1 my de>e/ fri5d1 & ! sweete/ little ?+ y ev] saw4 ,oh6 ,i said1 & imm$iately felt q re/$1 & q l myself4 ,l myself6 ,& :o is %e1 pray6 ,two s\ls dwell 9 my poor little body1 & :i* ( !m is me1 & :i* ( !m isn't1 x w\ld be h>d to tell4 ,?is is ! way !y behave3 ,,sc5e ,,fir/4 ,katy1 to ! o!r creature1 :om ,i w call ,kate4-,y\r "m looks tir$1 & y h be5 v cross4 ,run & put y\r arms ar\nd h]1 & tell h] h[ y love h]4 ,kate4-,oh1 ,i c't2 x w\ld look que]4 ,i don't l palav]4 ,besides1 :o w\ld n be cross :o felt z ,i d8 ,,sc5e ,,second4 ,katy4-,little ,emma has no?+ to d1 & ought to be amus$4 ,tell h] a /ory1 d4 ,kate4-,i am tir$1 & ne$ to be amus$ myself4 ,katy4-,b ! de> little ?+ is s pati5t & has suff]$ s mu*4 ,kate4-,well1 ,i h suff]$1 too4 ,if %e _h n climb$ up on ! f5d] %e w\ld n h got burn$4 ,,sc5e ,,?ird4 ,kate4-,y are v irritable to-day4 ,y _h bett] g up/airs to y\r room & pray = pati5ce4 ,katy4-,"o c't be always pray+4 ,i don't feel l x4 ,,sc5e ,,f\r?4 ,katy4-,y treat ,dr4 ,elliott %amefully4 ,i %\ld ?9k he w\ld really avoid y z y avoid him4 ,kate-,don't let me he> 8 "n4 ,i don't avoid him4 ,katy4-,y d n des]ve 8 good op9ion4 ,kate4-,yes1 ,i d4 ,,sc5e ,,fif? ,j awake 9 ! morn+4 ,katy4-,oh1 de>6 h[ hateful ,i am6 ,i am cross & selfi%1 & dom9e]+1 & va94 ,i ?9k ( myself ! :ole "t2 ,i behave l a h]o9e :5 ,dr4 ,elliott is pres5t1 & l a naughty1 spoil$ *ild :5 he is n4 ,poor "m6 h[ c %e endure me8 ,z to my piety1 x is worse ?an none4 ,kate1 a few h\rs lat]4-,well1 nobody c d5y t ,i h a real gift 9 manag+ *ildr56 ,& ,i am v lovable1 or "m w\ldn't be s fond ( me4 ,i am always pleasant unless ,i am sick1 or worri$1 & my temp] is n half s ha/y z x us$ to be4 ,i nev] ?9k ( myself1 b am all ! "t do+ some?+ = o!rs4 ,z to ,dr4 ,e41 ,i am ?ankful to say t ,i h nev] /oop$ to attract him by putt+ on airs & graces4 ,he sees me j z ,i am4 ,& ,i am v dev\t4 ,i love to read good books & to be ) good p4 ,i pray a great deal4 ,! b>e ?\ght ( do+ wrong makes me %udd]4 ,"m is pr\d ( me1 & ,i don't wond]4 ,v few girls w\ld h behav$ z ,i did :5 ,emma 0 burn$4 ,p]haps ,i am n z sweet z "s p4 ,i am glad ( x4 ,i hate sweet p4 ,i h great /r5g? ( "*1 :i* is mu* bett]1 & am c]ta9ly v high-ton$4 ,b1 my poor j\rnal1 y c't /& any m su* /uff1 c y8 ,b tell me "o ?+1 am ,i ,katy or am ,i ,kate8 ,*apt] #aj ,x ,,april #bj4 ,,ye/]day ,i felt bett] ?an ,i h done s9ce ! accid5t4 ,i ran ab\t ! h\se q *e]ily1 = me4 ,i want$ to see "m = some?+1 & flew s++ into ! p>lor1 :]e ,i _h left h] %ortly be=e4 ,b %e 0 n !re1 & ,dr4 ,elliott 04 ,i />t$ back1 & 0 ab\t to leave ! room1 b he deta9$ me4 ,come 91 ,i beg ( y1 he said1 8 voice gr[ mg ho>s] & ho>s]4 ,let u put a /op to ?is4 ,to :at8 ,i ask$1 go+ ne>] & ne>]1 & look+ up into 8 face1 :i* 0 q pale4 ,to y\r evid5t t]ror ( be+ alone ) me1 ( he>+ me speak4 ,let me assure y1 once = all1 t no?+ w\ld tempt me to annoy y by urg+ myself ^u y1 z y seem to fe> ,i may be tempt$ to d4 ,i _c =ce y to love me1 nor w\ld ,i if ,i c\ld4 ,if y ev] want a fri5d y w f9d "o 9 me4 ,b d n ?9k ( me z y\r lov]1 or treat me z if ,i 7 always ly+ 9 wait = a *ance to rem9d y ( x4 ,t ,i %all nev] d1 nev]4 ,oh1 no1 ( c\rse n6 ,i broke =?1 my face all 9 a gl[1 & te>s ( mortification ra9+ d[n my *eeks4 ,i knew y did n c>e = me ,i6 knew y _h got ov] x6 ,i don't "k :i* ( u began x1 ,i don't ?9k he did1 & ,i am sure ,i did n1 b ! next mom5t ,i 0 fold$ all up 9 8 great long arms1 & a new life _h begun6 ,"m op5$ ! door n long aft]1 & see+ :at 0 go+ on1 trott$ away on h] de> feet z fa/ z %e c\ld4 ,,april #ba4-;,i am too happy to write j\rnals4 ,to ?9k h[ we love ea* o!r4 ,"m behaves beautifully4 ,,april #be4-,"o does n feel l say+ mu* ab\t x1 :5 "o is z happy z ,i am4 ,i walk ! /reets z "o tread+ on air4 ,i fly ab\t ! h\se z on w+s4 ,i kiss ev]ybody ,i see4 ,n[ t ,i look at ,erne/ 7= he makes me call him s7 ) unprejudic$ eyes1 ,i wond] ,i ev] ?\ght him clumsy4 ,& h[ ridicul\s x 0 9 me to conf\nd 8 dignity & manl9ess ) age6 ,x is v odd1 h[ev]1 t su* a cauti\s1 well-balanc$ man %\ld h fall5 9 love ) me t day at ,sunday-s*ool4 ,& /ill /rang] t ) my headlong1 impulsive nature1 ,i delib]ately walk$ into love ) him6 ,i believe we %all nev] get ?r\gh ) :at we h to say to ea* o!r4 ,i am afraid we are r selfi% to leave "m to h]self e ev5+4 ,,sept4 #e4-,?is has be5 a delightful summ]4 ,to be sure1 we _h to take ! *ildr5 to ! c\ntry = a c\ple ( mon?s1 b ,erne/'s lett]s are almo/ bett] ?an ,erne/ himself4 ,i h writt5 en\gh to him to fill a doz5 books4 ,we are go+ back to ! city n[4 ,9 8 la/ lett] ,erne/ says he has be5 home1 & t 8 "m is delight$ to he> ( 8 engagem5t4 ,he says1 too1 t he w5t to see an old lady1 "o ( ! fri5ds ( 8 boyhood1 to tell ! news to h]4 ,:5 ,i told h]1 he goes on1 t ,i _h f\nd ! mo/ beautiful1 ! noble/1 ! mo/ lov+ ( human be+s1 %e only said1 ',( c\rse1 ( c\rse6' ,n[ y "k1 de>1 t x is n at all ( c\rse1 b ! v /range/1 mo/ wond]ful ev5t 9 ! hi/ory ( ! _w4 ,& !n he describ$ a sc5e he _h j witness$ at ! dea?b$ ( a "y girl ( my own age1 :o left ?is _w & e possible e>?ly joy1 ) a delight 9 ! go+ to be ) ,*ri/1 t made him really eloqu5t4 ,oh1 h[ glad ,i am t ,god has ca/ 9 my lot ) a man ^: :ole bus9ess is to m9i/] to o!rs6 ,i am sure ?is w1 ( itself1 keep him unworldly & unselfi%4 ,h[ delici\s x is to love su* a "*1 & h[ happy ,i %all be to g ) him to sick-rooms & to dy+-b$s6 ,he has already taught me t lessons le>n$ 9 su* sc5es f> outweigh 9 value :at books & s]mons1 ev51 c tea*4 ,& n[1 my de> old j\rnal1 let me tell y a secret t has to d ) life1 & n ) dea?4 ,i am go+ to be m>ri$6 ,to ?9k t ,i am always to be ) ,erne/6 ,to sit at ! table ) him e day1 to pray ) him1 to g to *ur* ) him1 to h him all m9e6 ,i am sure t !re is n ano!r man on e>? :om ,i c\ld love z ,i love him4 ,! ?\ght ( m>ry+ ,*---1 ,i mean ( hav+ t silly1 s*ool-girl engagem5t end 9 m>riage1 0 always repugnant to me4 ,b ,i give myself to ,erne/ joyfully & ) all my he>t4 ,h[ good ,god has be5 to me6 ,i d hope & pray t ?is new1 ?is absorb+ love1 has n deta*$ my s\l f ,him1 w n deta* x4 ,if ,i knew x w\ld1 c\ld ,i1 %\ld ,i h c\rage to cut x (f & ca/ x f me8 ,,jan4 #af1 #ahcg4-,ye/]day 0 my bir?day1 & to-day is my w$d+-day4 ,we meant to celebrate ! "o ) ! o!r1 b ,sunday w\ld come ?is ye> on ! fifte5?4 ,i am dress$1 & h turn$ ev]ybody out ( ?is room1 :]e ,i h suff]$ s mu* mortification1 & exp]i5c$ s mu* joy1 t be=e ,i give myself to ,erne/1 & be=e ,i leave home =ev]1 ,i may once m give myself away to ,god4 ,i h be5 too mu* absorb$ 9 my e>?ly love1 & am %ock$ to f9d h[ x fills my ?\ghts4 ,b ,i w belong to ,god4 ,i w beg9 my m>ri$ life 9 ,8 fe>1 dep5d+ on ,him to make me an unselfi%1 devot$ wife4 ,,jan4 #be4-,we _h a delightful trip aft] ! w$d+ 0 ov]4 ,erne/ propos$ to take me to 8 own home t ,i might see 8 "m & si/]4 ,he nev] has said t he want$ !m to see me4 ,b 8 "m is n well4 ,i am he>tily glad ( x4 ,i mean ,i 0 glad to escape go+ !re to be exam9$ & criticis$4 ,e "o ( !m w\ld pick at me1 ,i am sure1 & ,i don't l to be pick$ at4 ,we h a home ( our own1 & ,i am try+ to take k9dly to h\sekeep+4 ,erne/ is away a great deal m ?an ,i expect$ he w\ld be4 ,i am fe>fully lonely4 ,aunty comes to see me z (t5 z %e c1 & ,i g !re almo/ e day1 b t doesn't am\nt to mu*4 ,z soon z ,i c v5ture to x1 ,i %all ask ,erne/ to let me invite "m to come & live ) u4 ,x is n "r = h] to be left all alone s ,i hop$ he w\ld d t himself4 ,b m5 are n l wom54 ,we ?9k ( ev]y?+4 ,,feb4 #ae4-,our honeymoon ends to-day4 ,!re hasn't be5 q z mu* honey 9 x z ,i expect$4 ,i suppos$ t ,erne/ w\ld be at home e ev5+1 at lea/1 & t he w\ld read al\d1 & h me play & s+1 & t we %\ld h delightful times toge!r4 ,b n[ he has got me he seems satisfi$1 & goes ab\t 8 bus9ess z if he _h be5 m>ri$ a hundr$ ye>s4 ,9 ! morn+ he goes (f to see 8 li/ ( pati5ts2 he is go+ 9 & out all day2 aft] d9n] we sit d[n to h a nice talk toge!r2 ! door-bell inv>iably r+s1 & he is call$ away4 ,!n 9 ! ev5+ he goes & sits 9 8 (fice & /udies2 ,i don't mean e m9ute1 b he c]ta9ly sp5ds h\rs !re4 ,to-day he br\ght me su* a preci\s lett] f de> "m6 ,i c\ld n help cry+ :5 ,i read x1 x 0 s k9d & s lov+4 ,erne/ look$ amaz$2 he ?rew d[n 8 pap]1 came & took me 9 8 arms & ask$1 ,:at is ! matt]1 d>l+8 ,!n x all came out4 ,i said ,i 0 lonely1 & hadn't be5 us$ to sp5d+ my ev5+s all by myself4 ,y mu/ get "s ( y\r fri5ds to come & see y1 poor *ild1 he said4 ,i don't want fri5ds1 ,i sobb$ out4 ,i want y4 ,yes1 d>l+2 :y didn't y tell me s soon]8 ,( c\rse ,i w /ay ) y if y wi% x4 ,if t is y\r only reason1 ,i am sure ,i don't want y1 ,i p\t$4 ,he look$ puzzl$4 ,i really don't "k :at to d1 he said1 ) a mo/ comical look ( p]plexity4 ,b he w5t to 8 (fice1 & br\ght up a pile ( fu/y old books4 ,n[1 de>1 he said1 we und]/& ea* o!r ,i ?9k4 ,i c read "h j z well z d[n /airs4 ,get y\r book & we %all be z cosy z possible4 ,my he>t felt sore & dissatisfi$4 ,am ,i unreasonable & *ildi%8 ,:at is m>ri$ life8 ,an occasional meet+1 a kiss "h & a c>ess !re8 or is x ! sacr$ union ( ! twa9 :o 'walk toge!r side by side1 kn[+ ea* o!r's joys & sorr[s1 & go+ ,heav5w>d h& 9 h&8 ,,feb4 #ag4-,mrs4 ,embury has be5 "h to-day4 ,i long$ to comp>e notes ) h]1 & f9d out :e!r x really is my fault t ,i am n q happy4 ,b ,i c\ld n be> to op5 my he>t to h] on s sacr$ a subject4 ,we _h "s g5]al conv]sation1 h[ev]1 :i* did me good = ! "t1 at lea/4 ,%e said %e ?\ght "o ( ! fir/ lessons a wife %\ld le>n is self-=getfulness4 ,i wond]$ if %e _h se5 any?+ 9 me to call =? ?is rem>k4 ,we meet pretty (t52 p>tly because our husb&s are su* good fri5ds1 p>tly because %e is z fond ( music z ,i am1 & we l to s+ & play toge!r1 & ,i nev] see h] t %e does n d or say some?+ elevat+2 some?+ t /r5g!ns my own be/ purposes & desires4 ,b %e kn[s no?+ ( my conflict & dismay1 & nev] w4 ,h] g5tle nature responds at once to holy influ5ces4 ,i feel truly grateful to h] = lov+ me1 = %e really does love me1 & yet %e mu/ see my faults4 ,i %\ld l to "k if !re is any reason on e>? :y a woman %\ld le>n self-=getfulness t does n apply to a man8 ,,feb4 #ah4-,uncle says he has no d\bt he owes 8 life to ,erne/1 :o1 9 ! face ( opposition to o!r physicians1 insi/$ on 8 giv+ up 8 bus9ess & go+ (f to ,europe at j ! "r mom5t4 ,= 8 p>tn]1 ^: symptoms 7 v l 8 own1 has be5 /rick5 d[n ) p>alysis1 & w n recov]4 ,x is v pleasant to he> ,erne/ prais$1 & x is a pleasure ,i h v (t51 = 8 fri5ds come to see me1 & speak ( him ) rapture4 ,a lady told me t ?r\gh ! long illness ( a sweet "y daught] ( h]s1 he pray$ ) h] e day1 m9i/]+ s skillfully to h] s\l1 t all fe> ( dea? 0 tak5 away1 & %e j long$ to g1 & did g at la/1 ) p]fect delight4 ,i ?9k he spoke ( h] to me once2 b he did n tell me t h] prep>ations = dea? 0 8 "w4 ,i c\ld n conceive ( him z do+ t4 ,,feb4 #bd4-;,erne/ has be5 gone a week4 ,8 "m is worse & he _h to g4 ,i want$ to g too1 b he said x 0 n wor? :ile1 z he %\ld h to return directly4 ,dr4 ,embury takes *>ge ( 8 pati5ts dur+ 8 abs5ce1 & ,mrs4 ,e4 & ,aunty & ! *ildr5 come to see me v (t54 ,i l ,mrs4 ,embury m & m4 ,%e is n s audaci\s z ,i am1 b ,i believe %e agrees ) me m ?an %e w own4 ,,feb4 #be4-;,erne/ writes t 8 "m is dang]\sly ill1 & seems 9 great di/ress4 ,i am mean en\gh to want all 8 love myself1 :ile ,i %\ld hate him if he gave none to h]4 ,poor ,erne/6 ,if %e %\ld die he w\ld be sadly afflict$6 ,,feb4 #bg4-,%e di$ ! v day he wrote4 ,h[ ,i long to fly to him & to com=t him6 ,i c ?9k ( no?+ else4 ,i pray day & night t ,god w\ld make me a bett] wife4 ,a lett] came f "m at ! same "t ) ,erne/'s4 ,%e evid5tly misses me m ?an %e w own4 ,j z soon z ,erne/ returns home ,i w ask him to let h] come & live ) u4 ,i am sure he w2 he loves h] already1 & n[ t 8 "m has gone he w f9d h] a real com=t4 ,i am sure %e w only make our home ! happi]4 ,,feb4 #bh4-,su* a dreadful ?+ is go+ to happ56 ,i h cri$ & call$ myself names by turns all day4 ,erne/ writes t x has be5 decid$ to give up ! old home/ead1 & scatt] ! family ab\t among ! m>ri$ sons & daught]s4 ,our %>e is to be 8 fa!r & 8 si/] ,m>?a1 & he desires me to h two rooms got ready = !m at once4 ,s all ! glory & ! beauty is snat*$ out ( my m>ri$ life at "o swoop6 ,& x is done by ! h& ,i love be/1 & t ,i w\ld n h believ$ c\ld be s unk9d4 ,i am r5t 9 pieces by conflict+ emotions & passions4 ,"o mom5t ,i am all t5d]ness & sympa?y = poor ,erne/1 & ready to sacrifice ev]y?+ = 8 pleasure4 ,! next ,i am bitt]ly angry ) him = dispos+ ( all my happ9ess 9 ?is arbitr>y way4 ,if he _h let me make common cause ) him & %>e 8 int]e/s ) him1 ,i "k ,i am n s abom9ably selfi% z to feel z ,i d n[4 ,b he =ces two p]fect /rang]s ^u me & =ev] %uts our doors aga9/ my d>l+ "m4 ,=1 ( c\rse1 %e _c live ) u if !y d4 ,& :o kn[s :at sort ( p !y are8 ,x is n ev]ybody ,i c get along )1 nor is x ev]ybody c get along ) me4 ,n[1 if ,hel5 7 com+ in/ead ( ,m>?a1 t w\ld be "s relief4 ,i c\ld love h]1 ,i am sure1 & %e w\ld put up ) my ways4 ,b y\r ,m>?as ,i am afraid (4 ,oh1 de>1 de>1 :at a ne/ ( scorpions ?is affair has /irr$ up )9 me6 ,:o w\ld believe ,i c\ld be ?9k+ ( my own mis]y :ile ,erne/'s "m1 :om he lov$ s de>ly1 is h>dly 9 h] grave6 ,b ,i h no he>t1 ,i am /ony & cold4 ,x is well to h f\nd out j :at ,i am6 ,s9ce ,i wrote t ,i h be5 try+ to tell ,god all ab\t x4 ,b ,i c\ld n speak = cry+4 ,& ,i h be5 gett+ ! rooms ready4 ,h[ _m little ?+s ,i _h plann$ to put 9 ! be/ "o1 :i* ,i int5d$ = "m ,i h made myself arrange !m j ! same = ,erne/'s fa!r4 ,! /uff$ *air ,i h _h 9 my room1 & enjoy$ s mu*1 has be5 roll$ 91 & ! ,bible ) l>ge pr9t plac$ on ! little table ne> :i* ,i _h pictur$ "m ) h] sweet1 pale face1 z sitt+ ye> aft] ye>4 ,! only ?+ ,i h tak5 away is ! copy ( fa!r's portrait4 ,he won't want t6 ,:5 ,i _h f9i%$ ?is bus9ess ,i w5t & %ook my fi/ at ! creature ,i saw 9 ! glass4 ,y're beat56 ,i cri$4 ,y didn't want to give up ! *air1 nor y\r writ+-table1 nor ! ,bible 9 :i* y expect to record ! names ( y\r t5 *ildr5 ,i ,b y've _h to d x1 s !re6 ,,m>* #c4-,!y all got "h at #g o'clock la/ night1 j 9 "t = tea4 ,i 0 s glad to get hold ( ,erne/ once m t ,i 0 graci\s to my gue/s1 too4 ,! v fir/ ?+1 h[ev]1 ,erne/ annoy$ me by call+ me ,ka!r9e1 ?\gh he kn[s ,i hate t "n1 & want to be call$ ,katy z if ,i 7 a lovable p]son1 z ,i c]ta9ly am 7sometimes74 ,( c\rse 8 fa!r & ,m>?a call$ me ,ka!r9e1 too4 ,8 fa!r is ev5 tall]1 d>k]1 black] ey$1 black] hair$ ?an he4 ,m>?a is a sp9/]4 ,i _h got up a nice little supp] = !m1 ?9k+ !y w\ld ne$ some?+ sub/antial aft] _! j\rney4 ,& p]haps !re 0 "s vanity 9 ! display ( da9ties t ne$$ ! mortification ,i felt at see+ my gue/s bo? pu% away _! plates 9 app>5t disgu/4 ,erne/1 too1 look$ annoy$1 & express$ "s regret t !y c\ld f9d no?+ to tempt _! appetites4 ,m>?a said some?+ ab\t n expect+ mu* f "y h\sekeep]s1 :i* ,i inw>dly res5t$1 = ! light1 delici\s bread _h be5 s5t by ,aunty1 toge!r ) o!r luxuries f h] own table1 & ,i knew !y 7 n ! h&iwork ( a "y h\sekeep]1 b ( old ,*loe1 :o _h liv$ 9 h] own & h] "m's family tw5ty ye>s4 ,erne/ w5t out z soon z ?is unlucky repa/ 0 ov] to he> ,dr4 ,embury's report ( 8 pati5ts1 & we pass$ a dre>y ev5+1 z my m9d 0 preoccupi$ ) long+ = 8 return4 ,! m ,i tri$ to ?9k ( some?+ to say ! m ,i c\ldn't4 ,at la/ ,m>?a ask$ at :at "t we breakfa/$4 ,at half-pa/ sev51 precisely1 ,i answ]$4 ,erne/ is v punctual ab\t breakfa/4 ,! o!r meals are m irregul>4 ,t is v late1 %e return$4 ,fa!r rises e>ly & ne$s 8 breakfa/ at once4 ,i said ,i w\ld see t he _h x z e>ly z he lik$1 :ile ,i =esaw t ?is w\ld co/ me a battle ) ! div9ity :o reign$ 9 ! kit*54 ,y ne$ n tr\ble y\rself4 ,i w speak to my bro!r ab\t x1 %e said4 ,erne/ has no?+ to d ) x1 ,i said1 quickly4 ,%e look$ at me 9 a spee*less way1 & !n !re 0 a long sil5ce1 dur+ :i* %e %ook h] head a numb] ( times4 ,at la/ %e inquir$3 ,did y make ! bread we _h on ! table to-night8 ,no1 ,i d n "k h[ to make bread1 ,i said1 smil+ at h] look ( horror4 ,n "k h[ to make bread8 %e cri$4 ,! v _s ( mis*ief got into me1 & made me ask3 ,:y1 c y8 ,n[ ,i "k !re is b "o o!r "q ,i c\ld h ask$ h]1 less insult+ ?an ?is1 & t is3 ,d y "k ! ,t5 ,comm&m5ts8 ,a sp9/] fre% f a f>m n "k h[ make bread1 to be sure6 ,b 9 a mom5t ,i 0 a%am$ & sorry t ,i _h yield$ to myself s f> z to =get ! c\rtesy due to h] z my gue/1 & "o j home f a sc5e ( sorr[1 s ,i ru%$ across ! room1 seiz$ h] h&1 & said1 eag]ly3 ,d =give me6 ,x slipp$ out be=e ,i ?\ght6 ,%e look$ at me 9 blank amazem5t1 unconsci\s t !re 0 any?+ to =give4 ,h[ y />tl$ me6 %e said4 ,i ?\ght y _h sudd5ly gone crazy4 ,i w5t back to my seat cre/fall5 en\gh4 ,all ?is "t ,erne/'s fa!r _h sat grim & grave 9 8 corn]1 )\t a ^w4 ,b n[ he spoke4 ,at :at h\r does my son h family wor%ip8 ,i %\ld l to retire4 ,i feel v we>y4 ,n[ family wor%ip at night consi/s 9 our kneel+ d[n toge!r h& 9 h&1 ! la/ ?+ be=e go+ to b$1 & 9 our own room4 ,! awful ?\ght ( *ang+ ?is sweet1 in=mal habit into a =mal "o made me reply quickly3 ,oh1 ,erne/ is v irregul> ab\t x4 ,he is (t5 out 9 ! ev5+1 & sometimes we are q late4 ,i hope y nev] w feel oblig$ to wait = him4 ,i tru/ ,i %all d my duty1 :atev] x co/s1 0 ! answ]4 ,oh1 h[ ,i wi%$ !y w\ld g to b$6 ,x 0 n[ t5 o'clock1 & ,i felt tir$ & re/less4 ,:5 ,erne/ is out late ,i usually lie on ! s(a & wait = him1 & s am bright & fre% :5 he comes 94 ,b n[ ,i _h to sit up1 & !re 0 no kn[+ = h[ long4 ,i pok$ at ! fire & knock$ d[n ! %ovel & tongs1 n[ ,i lean$ back 9 my *air1 & n[ ,i lean$ =w>d1 & !n ,i li/5$ = 8 /ep4 ,at la/ he came4 ,:at1 are y n all gone to b$8 he ask$4 ,z if ,i c\ld g to b$ :5 ,i _h sc>cely se5 him a mom5t s9ce 8 return6 ,i expla9$ :y we wait$1 & !n we _h pray] & escort$ our gue/s to _! rooms4 ,:5 we got back to ! p>lor ,i 0 ?ankful to re/ my tir$ s\l 9 ,erne/'s arms1 & to he> :at little he _h to tell ab\t 8 "m's la/ h\rs4 ,y mu/ love me m ?an ev]1 n[1 he said1 = ,i h lo/ my be/ fri5d4 ,yes1 ,i said1 ,i w4 ,z if t 7 possible6 ,all ! "t we 7 talk+ ,i he>d ! greate/ racket ov]head1 b he did n seem to notice x4 ,i f\nd1 ?is morn+1 t ,m>?a1 or h] fa!r1 or bo? toge!r1 _h *ang$ ! positions ( article ( furniture 9 ! room mak+ x look a fright4 ,*apt] #aa ,,xi4 ,,m>* #aj4 ,,?+s are ev5 worse ?an ,i expect$4 ,erne/ evid5tly look$ at me ) 8 fa!r's eyes 7& ?is fa!r has got ! jaundice1 or some?+71 & c]ta9ly is cool] t[>ds me ?an he 0 be=e he w5t home4 ,m>?a /ill decl9es eat+ m ?an en\gh to keep body & s\l toge!r1 & sits at ! table ) ! air ( a m>tyr4 ,h] fa!r lives on crack]s & /ew$ prunes1 & :5 he has eat5 !m1 fixes 8 melan*oly eyes on me1 wat*+ e m\?ful ) an air ( pla9tive regret t ,i w consume s mu* un:olesome food4 ,!n ,erne/ positively sp5ds less "t ) me ?an ev]1 & sits 9 8 (fice read+ & writ+ ne>ly e ev5+4 ,ye/]day ,i came home f an exhil>at+ walk1 & a *>m+ call at ,aunty's1 & at ! d9n]-table gave a lively acc\nt ( "s ( ! *ildr5's exploits4 ,nobody laugh$1 & nobody made any response1 & aft] d9n] ,erne/ took me aside1 & said1 k9dly en\gh1 b /ill said x1 ,my little wife mu/ be c>eful h[ %e runs on 9 my fa!r's pres5ce4 ,he has a great deal ( e ?+ t might be ?\ght levity4 ,!n all ! vials ( my wra? explod$ & w5t (f4 ,yes1 ,i see h[ x is1 ,i cri$1 passionately4 ,y & y\r fa!r & y\r si/] h got a box ab\t a foot squ>e t y want to squeeze me into4 ,i h se5 x ev] s9ce !y came4 ,& ,i c tell y x w take m ?an ?ree ( y to d x4 ,!re 0 no h>m 9 :at ,i said-none1 :atev]4 ,if y only m>ri$ me = ! sake ( screw+ me d[n & freez+ me up1 :y didn't y tell me s be=e x 0 too late8 ,erne/ /ood look+ at me l "o />+ at a problem he _h got to solve1 & didn't "k :]e to beg94 ,i am v sorry1 he said4 ,i ?\ght y w\ld be glad to h me give y ?is little h9t4 ,( c\rse ,i want y to appe> y\r v be/ be=e my fa!r & si/]4 ,my v be/ is my real self1 ,i cri$4 ,to talk l a woman ( =ty is unnatural to a girl ( my age4 ,if y\r fa!r doesn't l me ,i wi% he w\ld g away1 & n come "h putt+ notions into y\r head1 & mak+ y z cold & h>d z a /one4 ,"m lik$ to h me 'run on1' z y call x1 & ,i wi% ,i _h /ay$ ) h] all my life4 ,d y mean1 he ask$1 v gravely1 t y really wi% t8 ,no1 ,i said1 ,i don't mean x1 = 8 husky1 tr\bl$ voice br\ght me to my s5ses4 ,all ,i mean is1 t ,i love y s de>ly1 & y keep my he>t feel+ s hungry & re/less2 & !n y w5t & br\ght y\r fa!r & si/] "h & nev] ask$ me if ,i %\ld l x2 & y cr[d$ "m out1 & %e lives all alone1 & x isn't "r6 ,i always said t :oev] m>ri$ me _h got to m>ry "m1 & ,i nev] dream$ t y w\ld disappo9t me s6 ,w y /op cry+1 & li/5 to me8 he said4 ,b ,i c\ld n /op4 ,! floods ( ! great deep 7 brok5 up at la/1 & ,i _h to cry4 ,if ,i c\ld h told my tr\bles to "s "o ,i c\ld ?us h f\nd v5t = !m1 b !re 0 no "o to :om ,i _h a "r to speak ( my husb&4 ,erne/ walk$ up & d[n 9 sil5ce4 ,oh1 if ,i c\ld h cri$ on 8 brea/1 & felt t he lov$ & piti$ me6 ,at la/1 z ,i grew quiet]1 he came & sat by me4 ,?is has come ^u me l a ?und]clap1 he said4 ,i did n "k ,i kept y\r he>t hungry4 ,i did n "k y wi%$ y\r "m to live ) u4 ,& ,i took x = grant$ t my wife1 ) h] high-ton$1 h]oic "*1 w\ld su/a9 me 9 e duty1 & welcome my fa!r & si/] to our home4 ,i d n "k :at ,i c d n[4 ,%all ,i s5d !m away8 ,no1 no6 ,i cri$4 ,only be good to me1 ,erne/1 only love me1 only look at me ) y\r own eyes1 & n ) o!r p's4 ,y knew ,i _h faults :5 y m>ri$ me2 ,i nev] tri$ to conceal !m4 ,& did y fancy ,i _h none myself8 he ask$4 ,no1 ,i repli$4 ,i saw no faults 9 y4 ,ev]ybody said y 7 su* a noble1 good man & y spoke s beautifully "o night at an ev5+ meet+4 ,speak+ beautifully is little to ! purpose less "o lives beautifully1 he said1 sadly4 ,& n[ is x possible t y & ,i1 a ,*ri/ian man & a ,*ri/ian woman1 are go+ on & on ) sc5es z ?is8 ,are y to we> y\r v life out because ,i h n y\r frantic way ( lov+1 & am ,i to be made we>y ( m9e because ,i _c satisfy y8 ,b1 ,erne/1 ,i said1 y us$ to satisfy me4 ,oh1 h[ happy ,i 0 9 ^? fir/ days :5 we 7 always toge!r2 & y seem$ s fond me6 ,i 0 d[n on ! floor by ?is "t1 & look+ up into 8 pale1 anxi\s face4 ,de> *ild1 he said1 ,i d love y1 & t m ?an y "k4 ,b y w\ld n h me leave my "w & sp5d my :ole "t tell+ y s8 ,y "k ,i am n s silly1 ,i cri$44 ,x is n fair1 x is n "r to talk z if ,i 74 ,i ask = no?+ unreasonable4 ,i only want ^? little daily assurances ( y\r affection :i* ,i %\ld suppose w\ld be spontane\s if y felt at all t[>ds me z ,i d to y4 ,! fact is1 he return$1 ,i am absorb$ 9 my "w4 ,x br+s _m grave c>es & anxieties4 ,i sp5d mo/ ( my "t amid sc5es ( suff]+ & at dy+ b$s4 ,?is makes me seem ab/ract$ & cold1 b x does n make y less de>4 ,on ! contr>y1 ! s5se x gives me ( ! brevity & sorr[fulness ( life makes y d\bly preci\s1 s9ce x con/antly rem9ds me t sick b$s & dy+ b$s mu/ soon] or lat] come to our home z to ^? ( o!rs4 ,i clung to him z he utt]$ ^! t]rible words4 ,9 an agony ( t]ror4 ,oh1 ,erne/1 promise me1 promise me t y w n die fir/1 ,i plead$4 ,fooli% little ?+6 he said1 & 0 z silly1 = a :ile1 z ! sillie/ he>t c\ld ask4 ,!n he became s]i\s aga94 ,katy1 he said1 if y c once make up y\r m9d to ! fact t ,i am an undemon/rative man1 n all fire & fury & ec/asy z y are1 yet lov+ y ) all my he>t1 h[ev] x may seem1 ,i ?9k y w sp>e y\rself mu* ne$less pa9--& sp>e me1 also4 ,b ,i want1 y to be demon/rative1 ,i p]si/$4 ,!n y mu/ tea* me4 ,& ab\t my fa!r & si/]1 p]haps1 we may f9d "s way ( reliev+ y by & by4 ,mean:ile1 try to be> ) ! tr\ble !y make1 = my sake4 ,b ,i don't m9d ! tr\ble6 ,oh1 ,erne/1 h[ y d misund]/& me6 ,:at ,i m9d is _! com+ betwe5 y & me & mak+ y love me less4 ,by ?is "t !re 0 a call = ,erne/-x is a wond] !re _h n be5 =ty-& he w5t4 ,i feel z he>t-sore z ev]4 ,:at has be5 ga9$ by ?is tempe/8 ,no?+ at all6 ,poor ,erne/6 ,h[ c ,i worry him s :5 he is already full ( c>e8 ,,m>* #bj4-;,i h _h su* a truly beautiful lett] to-day f de> "m6 ,%e gives up ! hope ( com+ to sp5d h] la/ ye>s ) u ) a sweet pati5ce t makes me cry :5ev] ,i ?9k ( x4 ,:at is ! secret ( ?is in/ant & *e]ful cons5t to :atev] ,god wills6 ,oh1 t ,i _h x1 too6 ,%e begs me to be consid]ate & k9d to ,erne/'s fa!r & si/]1 & con/antly to rem9d myself t my ,heav5ly ,fa!r has *os5 to give me ?is c>e & trial on ! v ?re%old ( my m>ri$ life4 ,i am afraid ,i h q lo/ sight ( t 9 my indignation ) ,erne/ = br++ !m "h4 ,,april #c4-,m>?a is closet$ ) ,erne/ 9 8 (fice day & night4 ,!y nev] give me ! lea/ h9t ( :at is go+ on 9 ^! secret meet+s4 ,!n ?is morn+ ,s>ah1 my good1 fai?ful cook1 b\nc$ into my room to give w>n+4 ,%e said %e c\ld n live :]e !re 7 two mi/resses giv+ contr>y directions4 ,b1 really1 !re is b "o mi/ress1 ,i urg$4 ,!n x came out t ,m>?a w5t d[n e morn+ to look aft] ! soap-fat1 & to scrimp 9 ! h\se-keep+1 & see t !re 0 no food wa/$4 ,i rememb]$ !n t %e _h inquir$ :e!r ,i att5d$ to ^! details1 evid5tly rank+ su* duties ) say+ "o's pray]s & read+ "o's ,bible4 ,i flew to ,erne/ ! mom5t he 0 at leisure & p\r$ my grievances into 8 e>4 ,well1 de>1 he said1 suppose y give up ! h\se-keep+ to ,m>?a6 ,%e w be f> happi] & y w be fre$ f mu* annoy+1 petty c>e4 ,i bit my tongue le/ x %\ld say some?+1 & w5t back to ,s>ah4 ,suppose ,miss ,elliott takes *>ge ( ! h\sekeep+1 & ,i h no?+ to d ) x1 w y /ay8 ,inde$1 & ,i won't !n4 ,i c't be> h]1 & ,i won't put up ) h] na/y1 scrimp+1 p9*+ ways6 ,v well4 ,!n y w h to g1 ,i said1 ) great dignity1 ?\gh j ready to cry4 ,erne/1 on be+ appli$ to = wages1 und]took to argue ! "q himself4 ,my si/] w take ! :ole *>ge1 he began4 ,& may & welcome = all me6 quo? ,s>ah4 ,i don't l h] & nev] %all4 ,y\r lik+ or dislik+ h] is ( no consequ5ce :atev]1 said ,erne/4 ,y may dislike h] z mu* z y please4 ,b y mu/ n leave u4 ,inde$1 & ,i'm n go+ to /ay & be put ^u by h]1 p]si/$ ,s>ah4 ,s %e has gone4 ,we _h to get d9n] ourselves2 t is to say1 ,m>?a did1 = %e said ,i got 9 h] way1 & put h] out ) my awkw>dness4 ,i h be5 runn+ hi!r & ?i!r to f9d "s angel :o w cons5t to live 9 ?is ill-assort$ h\sehold4 ,oh1 h[ diff]5t ev]y?+ is f :at ,i _h plann$6 ,i want$ a *e]ful home1 :]e ,i %\ld be ! c5tre ( e joy2 a home l ,aunty's1 )\t a cl\d4 ,b ,erne/'s fa!r sits1 ! p]sonification ( sil5t gloom1 l a nightm>e on my spirits2 ,m>?a holds me 9 disfavor & contempt2 ,erne/ is absorb$ 9 8 pr(ession1 & ,i h>dly see him4 ,if he wants advice he asks x ( ,m>?a1 :ile ,i sit1 humbl$1 degrad$ & a%am$1 wond]+ :y he ev] m>ri$ me at all4 ,& !n come int]ludes ( wild joy :5 he appe>s j z he did 9 ! happy days ( our bridal trip1 & ,i =get e grievance & hang on 8 words & looks l "o intoxicat$ ) bliss4 ,,oct4 #b4-,!re has be5 ano!r explosion4 ,i held 9 z long z ,i c\ld1 & !n flew into t5 ?\s& pieces4 ,erne/ _h got into ! habit ( help+ 8 fa!r & si/] at ! table1 & app>5tly =gett+ me4 ,x seems a little ?+1 b x *af$ & frett$ my already irritat$ s\l till at la/ ,i 0 almo/ beside myself4 ,ye/]day !y all ?ree sat eat+ _! breakfa/ & ,i1 ) empty plate1 sat boil+ ov] &1 look+ on1 :5 ,erne/ br\ght ?+s to a crisis by say+ to ,m>?a1 ,if y c f9d "t to-day ,i wi% y w\ld g out ) me = half an h\r or s4 ,i want to consult y ab\t- ,oh6 ,i said1 ris+1 ) my face all 9 a flame1 d n tr\ble y\rself to g out 9 ord] to escape me4 ,i c leave ! room & y c h y\r secrets to y\rselves z y d y\r breakfa/6 ,i don't "k :i* /ruck me1 mo/1 ,erne/'s appall$1 griev$ look or ! glance ex*ang$ betwe5 ,m>?a & h] fa!r4 ,he did n h9d] my leav+ ! room1 & ,i w5t up/airs1 z pitiable an object z c\ld be se54 ,i he>d him g to 8 (fice1 !n take 8 hat & set =? on 8 r\nds4 ,:at wret*$ h\rs ,i pass$1 ?us left alone6 ,"o mom5t ,i reproa*$ myself1 ! next ,i 0 indignant at ! long s]ies ( (f5ces t _h l$ to ?is disgraceful sc5e4 ,at la/ ,erne/ came4 ,he look$ conc]n$1 & a little pale4 ,oh1 ,erne/6 ,i cri$1 runn+ to him1 ,i am s sorry ,i spoke to y z ,i did6 ,b1 inde$1 ,i _c /& ! way ?+s are go+ on2 ,i am we>+ all out4 ,ev]ybody speaks ( my gr[+ ?94 ,feel ( my h&s4 ,!y burn l fire4 ,i knew y w\ld be sorry1 de>1 he said4 ,yes1 y\r h&s are hot1 poor *ild4 ,!re 0 a long1 dreadful sil5ce4 ,& yet ,i 0 speak+1 & p]haps he 04 ,i 0 begg+ & besee*+ ,god n to let u drift ap>t1 n to let u lose "o jot or tittle ( our love to ea* o!r1 to enable me to und]/& my de>1 de> husb& & make him und]/& me4 ,!n ,erne/ began4 ,:at 0 x vex$ y1 de>8 ,:at is x y c't /&8 ,tell me4 ,i am y\r husb&1 ,i love y1 ,i want to make y happy4 ,:y1 y are hav+ s _m secrets t y keep f me2 & y treat me z if ,i 7 only a *ild1 consult+ ,m>?a ab\t ev]y?+4 ,& ( late y seem to h =gott5 t ,i am at ! table & nev] help me to any?+6 ,secrets6 he re-e*o$4 ,:at possible secrets c ,i h8 ,i don't "k1 ,i said1 s9k+ we>ily back on ! s(a4 ,inde$1 ,erne/1 ,i don't want to be selfi% or exact+1 b ,i am v unhappy4 ,yes1 ,i see x1 poor *ild4 ,& if ,i h neglect$ y at ! table ,i d n wond] y are out ( pati5ce4 ,i "k h[ x has happ5$4 ,:ile y 7 p\r+ out ! c(fee ,i busi$ myself 9 c>+ = my fa!r & ,m>?a1 & s =got y4 ,i d n give ?is z an excuse1 b z a reason4 ,i h really no excuse1 & am a%am$ ( myself4 ,don't say t1 d>l+1 ,i cri$1 x is ,i :o ought to be a%am$ = mak+ su* an ado ab\t a trifle4 ,x is n a trifle1 he said2 & n[ to ! o!r po9ts4 ,i d>e say ,i h be5 c>eless ab\t consult+ ,m>?a4 ,b %e has always be5 a sort ( oracle 9 our family1 & we all look up to h]1 & %e is s mu* old] ?an y4 ,!n z to ! secrets4 ,m>?a comes to my (fice to help me look ov] my books4 ,i h be5 c>eless ab\t my acc\nts1 & %e has k9dly und]tak5 to att5d to !m = me4 ,c\ld n ,i h done t8 ,no2 :y %\ld y\r little head be tr\bl$ ab\t money matt]s8 ,b to g on4 ,i see t x 0 ?\ghtless 9 me n to tell y :at we 7 ab\t4 ,b ,i am greatly p]plex$ & h>ass$ 9 _m ways4 ,p]haps y w\ld feel bett] to "k all ab\t x4 ,i h only kept x f y to sp>e y all ! anxiety ,i c\ld4 ,oh1 ,erne/1 ,i said1 ought n a wife to %>e 9 all h] husb&'s c>es8 ,no1 he return$2 b ,i w tell y all t is annoy+ me n[4 ,my fa!r 0 9 bus9ess 9 our native t[n1 & w5t on prosp]\sly = _m ye>s4 ,!n ! tide turn$-he met ) loss aft] loss1 till no?+ rema9$ b ! old home/ead1 & on t !re 0 a mortgage4 ,we conceal$ ! /ate ( ?+s f my "m2 h] heal? 0 delicate1 & we nev] let h] "k a tr\ble we c\ld sp>e h]4 ,n[ %e has gone1 & we h f\nd x necess>y to sell our old home & to divide & scatt] ! family4 ,my fa!r's m5tal di/ress :5 he f\nd o!rs suff]+ f 8 own losses ?rew him into ! /ate 9 :i* y see him n[4 ,i h !re=e assum$ 8 debts1 & ) ,god's help hope 9 "t to pay !m to ! utt]mo/ f>?+4 ,x w be necess>y = u to live economically until ?is is done4 ,!re are two press+ cases t ,i am try+ to meet at once4 ,?is has giv5 me a preoccupi$ air1 ,i h no d\bt1 & made y suspect & misund]/& me4 ,b n[ y "k ! :ole1 my d>l+4 ,i felt my inju/ice & *ildi% folly v ke5ly1 & told him s4 ,b ,i ?9k1 de> ,erne/1 ,i add$1 if y w n be hurt at my say+ s1 t y h l$ me to x by n lett+ me %>e at once 9 y\r c>es4 ,if y _h at ! outset j told me ! :ole /ory1 y w\ld h enli/$ my sympa?ies 9 y\r fa!r's behalf1 & 9 y\r own4 ,i %\ld h se5 ! reasonabl5ess ( y\r break+ up ! old home & br++ him "h1 & x w\ld h tak5 ! edge ( my bitt]1 bitt] disappo9tm5t ab\t my "m4 ,i feel v sorry ab\t t1 he said4 ,x w\ld be a real pleasure to h h] "h4 ,b z ?+s are n[1 %e c\ld n be happy ) u4 ,!re is no room1 ,i put 94 ,i am truly sorry4 ,& n[ my de> little wife mu/ h pati5ce ) h] /upid blund]+ old husb&1 & we'll />t toge!r once m fair & squ>e4 ,don't wait1 next "t1 till y are s full t y boil ov]2 ! mom5t ,i annoy y by my inconsid]ate ways1 come "r & tell me4 ,i call$ myself all ! horrid names ,i c\ld ?9k (4 ,may ,i ask "o ?+ m1 n[ we are ^u ! subject8 ,i said at la/4 ,:y c\ldn't y\r si/] ,hel5 h come "h in/ead ( ,m>?a8 ,he smil$ a little4 ,9 ! fir/ place1 ,hel5 w\ld be p]fectly if %e _h ! c>e ( fa!r 9 8 pres5t4 ,%e is too "y to h su* responsibility4 ,9 ! second place1 my bro!r ,john1 ) :om %e has gone to live1 has a wife :o w\ld be q cru%$ by my fa!r & ,m>?a4 ,%e is "o ( ^? little t5d]1 s(t s\ls "o c\ld cru% f+]s4 ,n[1 y are n ( t sort2 y h =ce ( "* en\gh to enable y to live ) !m1 :ile ma9ta9+ y\r own dignity & rema9+ y\rself 9 spite ( circum /ances4 ,i ?\ght y admir$ ,m>?a above all ?+ & want$ me to be exactly l h]4 ,i d admire h]1 b ,i d n want y to be l anybody b y\rself4 ,b y ne>ly kill$ me by sugge/+ t ,i %\ld take he$ h[ ,i talk$ 9 y\r fa!r's pres5ce4 ,yes1 de>2 x 0 v /upid ( me1 b my fa!r has a /&>d ( excell5ce 9 8 m9d by :i* he te/s e woman2 ?is /&>d is my "m4 ,%e _h none ( y\r life & fun 9 h]1 & p]haps w\ld n h appreciat$ y\r droll way ( putt+ ?+s any bett] ?an he & ,m>?a d4 ,i c\ld n help sigh+ a little :5 ,i ?\ght :at sort ( p 7 wat*+ my e ^w4 ,!re is no?+ amiss to my m9d1 ,erne/ cont9u$1 9 y\r gay talk2 b my fa!r has 8 own views z to :at con/itutes a religi\s "* & _c und]/& t real e>ne/ness & real1 g5u9e mir?fulness are consi/5t ) ea* o!r4 ,he _h to g n[1 & we p>t$ z if = a week's sep>ation1 ?is "o talk _h br\ght u s ne> to ea* o!r4 ,i und]/& him n[ z ,i nev] h done1 & feel t he has giv5 me z real a pro( ( 8 affection by unlock+ ! door ( 8 he>t & lett+ me see its c>es1 z ,i give him 9 my wild pranks & c>esses & fooli% spee*es4 ,h[ truly noble x is 9 him to take up 8 fa!r's burd5 9 ?is way6 ,i mu/ contrive to help to light5 x4 ,*apt] #ab ,,xii4 ,,novemb] #f4 ,,aunty has put me 9 ! way ( do+ t4 ,i c\ld n tell h] ! :ole /ory1 ( c\rse1 b ,i made h] und]/& t ,erne/ ne$$ money = a g5]\s purpose1 & t ,i want$ to help him 9 x4 ,%e said ! *ildr5 ne$$ bo? music & draw+ lessons1 & t %e %\ld be delight$ if ,i w\ld take !m 9 h&4 ,aunty does n c>e a fig = accompli%m5ts1 b ,i ?9k ,i am "r 9 accept+ h] (f]1 z ! *ildr5 ought to le>n to s+ & to play & to draw4 ,( c\rse ,i _c h !m come "h1 z ,erne/'s fa!r c\ld n be> ! noise !y w\ld make2 besides1 ,i want to take him by surprise1 & keep ! :ole ?+ a secret4 ,nov4 #ad4-;,i h se5 by ! way ,m>?a draws d[n ! corn]s ( h] m\? ( late1 t ,i am unusually out ( favor ) h]4 ,?is ev5+1 ,erne/1 com+ home q late1 f\nd me loll+ back 9 my *air1 idl+1 aft] a h>d day's "w ) my little c\s9s1 & ,m>?a sew+ n]v\sly away at ! rate ( t5 knots an h\r1 :i* is ! fir/ pun ,i ev] made4 ,:y w y sit up & sew at su* a rate1 ,m>?a8 he ask$4 ,%e twit*$ at h] ?read1 broke x1 & began ) a new "o be=e %e repli$4 ,i suppose y f9d x conv5i5t to h a :ole %irt to y\r back4 ,i saw !n t %e 0 mak+ 8 %irts6 ,x made me bo? hot & cold at once4 ,:at mu/ ,erne/ ?9k ( me8 ,x is pla9 en\gh :at he ?9ks ( h]1 = he said1 q w>mly1 = him-- ,?is is really too k9d4 ,:at "r has %e to pr[l r\nd among ,erne/'s ?+s & pry into ! /ate ( 8 w>drobe8 ,if ,i _h n _h my "t s brok5 up ) giv+ lessons1 ,i %\ld h f\nd out t he ne$$ new %irts & set to "w on !m4 ,?\gh ,i mu/ own ,i hate %irt-mak+4 ,i c\ld n help %[+ t ,i felt aggriev$4 ,m>?a def5d$ h]self by say+ t %e knew "y p w\ld be "y p1 & w\ld gad ab\t1 %irts or no %irts4 ,n[ x is n h] fault t %e ?9ks ,i wa/e my "t gadd+ ab\t1 b ,i am j z angry ) h] z if %e did4 ,oh1 :y c\ldn't ,i h _h ,hel51 to be a pleasant companion & fri5d to me1 in/ead ( ?is old-well ,i won't say :at4 ,& really1 ) s mu* to make me happy1 :at w\ld become ( me if ,i _h no trials8 ,nov4 #ae4-,to-day ,m>?a has a h\se-clean+ mania1 & has dragg$ me into x by repres5t+ ! s9 & mis]y ( ^? delud$ mortals :o ?9k s]vants "k h[ to sweep & to scrub4 ,9 spite ( my resolution n to get "u h] ?umb1 ,i h someh[ let h] rule & reign ov] me to su* an ext5t t ,i c h>dly sit up long en\gh to write ?is4 ,does ! :ole duty ( woman consi/ 9 keep+ h] h\se di/ress+ly clean & prim2 9 mak+ & bak+ & pres]v+ & pickl+2 9 climb+ to ! top %elves ( closets le/ haply a little du/ %\ld lodge !re1 & gett+ d[n on h] h&s & knees to inspect ! c>pet8 ,! tru? is !re is n "o po9t ( sympa?y betwe5 ,m>?a & myself1 n "o4 ,"o w\ld ?9k t our love to ,erne/ w\ld furni% x4 ,b h] love aims at ! abasem5t ( 8 "* & m9e at its elevation4 ,%e ?9ks ,i %\ld b[ d[n to & wor%ip him1 jump up & (f] him my *air :5 he comes 91 fe$ him ) e un:olesome da9ty he fancies1 & feel myself honor$ by 8 acceptance ( ^! s]vices4 ,i ?9k x is = him to rise & (f] me a seat1 because ,i am a woman & 8 wife2 & t a silly subs]vi5ce on my "p is degrad+ to him & to myself4 ,& ,i am afraid ,i make kn[n ^! s5tim5ts to h] 9 a mo/ unpalatable way4 ,nov4 #ah4-,oh1 ,i am s happy t ,i s+ = joy6 ,de> ,erne/ has giv5 me su* a delightful surprise6 ,he says he has p]suad$ ,james to come & sp5d 8 college days "h1 & f9ally /udy m$ic9e ) him4 ,de>1 d>l+ old ,james6 ,he is to be "h to-morr[4 ,he is to h ! little hall b$room fitt$ up = him1 & he w be "h sev]al ye>s4 ,next to hav+ "m1 ?is is ! nice/ ?+ t c\ld happ54 ,we love ea* o!r s de>ly1 & get along s beautifully toge!r ,i wond] h[ he'll l ,m>?a ) h] grim ways1 & ,erne/'s fa!r ) 8 melan*oly ones4 ,nov4 #cj4-;,james has come1 & ! h\se already seems light] & *e]i]4 ,he is n 9 ! lea/ annoy$ by ,m>?a or h] fa!r1 & ?\gh he is z jovial z ! day is long1 !y actually seem to l him4 ,true to h] !ory on ! subject1 ,m>?a inv>iably rises at 8 entrance1 & (f]s him h] seat6 ,he pret5ds n to see x1 & runs to get "o = h]6 ,!n %e takes com=t 9 see+ him consume h] good ?+s1 s9ce 8 gobbl+ !m d[n is a sort ( tacit tribute to _! m]its4 ,mrs4 ,embury 0 "h to-day4 ,%e says !re is n mu* ! matt] ) ,erne/'s fa!r1 t he has only got ! hypo4 ,i don't "k exactly :at ?is is1 b ,i believe x is ?9k+ some?+ is ! matt] ) y :5 !re isn't4 ,at any rate ,i put x to y1 my de> old j\rnal1 :e!r x is pleasant to live ) p :o behave 9 ?is way8 ,9 ! fir/ place all he talks ab\t is 8 fanci$ disease4 ,he gets book aft] book f ! (fice & /udies & pond]s 8 case till he gr[s q yell[4 ,"o day he says he has f\nd out ! seat ( 8 disease to be ! liv]1 & *anges 8 diet to meet t view ( ! case4 ,m>?a has to d him up 9 mu/>d1 & he takes k9dly to blue pills4 ,9 a day or two he f9ds 8 liv] is all "r1 b t 8 bra9 is all wrong4 ,! mu/>d goes n[ to ! back ( 8 neck1 & he takes solemn leave ( u all1 ) ! assurance t 8 la/ h\r has come4 ,f9d+ t he survives ! night1 h[ev]1 he transf]s ! seat ( 8 disease to ! he>t1 sp5ds h\rs 9 c\nt+ 8 pulse1 refuses to take ex]cise le/ he %\ld br+ on palpitations1 & w>ns u all to prep>e to foll[ him4 ,ev]ybody :o comes 9 has to he> ! :ole /ory1 e "o prescribes some?+1 & he tries ea* rem$y 9 turn4 ,^! all fail+ to rea* 8 case1 he is plung$ into t5-fold gloom4 ,he compla9s t ,god has ca/ him (f =ev]1 & t 8 s9s are l ! s&s ( ! sea = numb]4 ,i am su* a goose t ,i li/5 to all ^! v>y+ moods & symptoms ) ! solemn conviction t he is go+ to die imm$iately2 ,i ba! 8 head1 & c\nt 8 pulse1 & fan him1 & take d[n 8 dy+ depositions = ,erne/'s solace aft] he has gone4 ,& ,i talk !ology to him by ! h\r1 :ile ,m>?a bakes & brews 9 ! kit*51 or makes m9ce pies1 aft] eat+ :i* "o might give him ! :ole ,bible at "o dose1 )\t ! smalle/ effect4 ,to-day ,i /ood by 8 *air1 hold+ 8 head & :isp]+ su* consol+ passages z ,i ?\ght might com=t him1 :5 ,james bur/ 91 s++ & toss+ 8 cap 9 ! air4 ,come "h1 "y man1 & he> my la/ te/imony4 ,i am ab\t to die4 ,! end draws ne>1 7 ! sepul*ral words t made him br+ 8 song to an abrupt close4 ,i %all take x v ill ( y1 sir1 quo? ,james1 if y g & die be=e giv+ me t cane y promis$ me4 ,:o c\ld die dec5tly "u su* circum/ances8 ,! poor old man reviv$ imm$iately1 b look$ a good deal injur$4 ,aft] ,james _h gone out1 he said3 ,x is v pa9ful to "o :o /&s on ! v v]ge ( ! et]nal _w to see ! "y s ?\ghtless4 ,b ,james is n ?\ghtless1 ,i said4 ,x is only 8 m]ry way4 ,daught] ,ka!r9e1 he w5t on1 y are v k9d to ! old man1 & y w h y\r rew>d4 ,b ,i wi% ,i c\ld feel sure ( y\r /ate be=e ,god4 ,i greatly fe> y deceive y\rself1 & t ! gr\nd ( y\r hope is delusive4 ,i felt ! blood ru% to my face4 ,at fir/ ,i 0 /agg]$ a good deal4 ,b is a mortal man :o _c judge ( 8 own /ate to decide m9e8 ,x is true he sees my faults2 anybody c1 :o looks4 ,b he does n see my pray]s1 or my te>s ( %ame & sorr[2 he does n "k h[ _m ha/y words ,i repress2 h[ e>ne/ly ,i am aim+1 all ! day long1 to d "r 9 all ! little details ( life4 ,he does n "k t x co/s my fa/idi\s nature an appeal to ,god e "t ,i kiss 8 poor old face1 & t :at w\ld be an act ( wor%ip 9 him is an act ( self-d5ial 9 me4 ,h[ %\ld he8 ,! ,*ri/ian life is a hidd5 kn[n only by ! eye t see? 9 secret4 ,& ,i d believe ?is life is m9e4 ,up to ?is "t ,i h contriv$ to get along )\t call+ ,erne/'s fa!r by any "n4 ,i mean n[ to make myself turn ov] a new leaf4 ,,decemb] #g4-;,james is my p]petual joy & pride4 ,we read & s+ toge!r1 j z we us$ to d 9 our old s*ool days4 ,m>?a sits by1 ) h] "w1 grimly approv+2 = is he n a man8 ,&1 z if my cup ( felicity 7 n full en\gh1 ,i am to h my de> old pa/or come "h to settle ov] ?is *ur*1 & ,i %all once m he> 8 belov$ voice 9 ! pulpit4 ,erne/ has manag$ ! :ole ?+4 ,he says ! /ate ( ,dr4 ,c4's heal? makes ! *ange q necess>y1 & t he c avail himself ( ! be/ surgical advice ?is city af=ds1 9 case 8 old difficulties recur4 ,i rejoice = myself & = ?is *ur*1 b "m w miss him sadly4 ,i am lead+ a v busy1 happy life1 only ,i am1 p]haps1 work+ a little too h>d4 ,:at ) my s*ol>s1 ! extra am\nt ( h\sework ,m>?a contrives to get out ( me1 ! practic+ ,i mu/ keep up if ,i am to tea*1 & ! _m /eps ,i h to take1 ,i h n only no idle mom5ts1 b none too _m = recreation4 ,erne/ is s busy himself t he =tunately does n see :at a race ,i am runn+4 ,,janu>y #af1 #ahch4-,! fir/ anniv]s>y ( our w$d+-day1 & l all days1 has _h its lights & its %ades4 ,i ?\ght ,i w\ld celebrate x 9 su* a way z to give pleasure to ev]ybody1 & sp5t a good deal ( "t 9 gett+ up a little gift = ea*1 f ,erne/ & myself4 ,& ,i took special pa9s to h a good d9n]1 p>ticul>ly = fa!r4 ,yes1 ,i _h made up my m9d to call him by t sacr$ "n = ! fir/ "t to-day1 co/ :at x may4 ,b he %ut himself up 9 8 room directly aft] breakfa/1 & :5 d9n] 0 ready refus$ to come d[n4 ,?is ca/ a gloom ov] u all4 ,!n ,m>?a 0 ne>ly di/ract$ because a valuable di% _h be5 brok5 9 ! kit*51 & c\ld n recov] h] equanimity at all4 ,wor/ ( all ,erne/1 :o is n 9 ! lea/ s5tim5tal1 nev] said a ^w ab\t our w$d+-day1 & didn't give me a ?+6 ,i h kept hop+ all day t he w\ld make me "s little pres5t1 no matt] h[ small1 b n[ x is too late2 he has gone out to be gone all night1 probably1 & ?us ends ! day1 an utt] failure4 ,i feel a good deal disappo9t$4 ,besides1 :5 ,i look back ov] ?is my fir/ ye> ( m>ri$ life1 ,i d n feel satisfi$ ) myself at all4 ,i c't help feel+ t ,i h be5 selfi% & unreasonable t[>ds ,erne/ 9 a great _m ways1 & z contr>y t[>ds ,m>?a z if ,i enjoy$ a /ate ( w>f>e betwe5 u4 ,& ,i h felt a good deal ( secret contempt = h] fa!r1 ) 8 moods & t5ses1 8 pill-boxes & 8 pla/]s1 8 fea/+s & 8 fa/+s4 ,i d n und]/& h[ a ,*ri/ian c make su* sl[ progress z ,i d1 & h[ old faults c hang on s4 ,if ,i _h made any real progress1 %\ld ,i n be s5sible ( x8 ,i h be5 read+ ov] ! e>ly "p ( ?is j\rnal1 & :5 ,i came to ! conv]sation ,i _h ) ,mrs4 ,cabot1 9 :i* ,i made a li/ ( my wants1 ,i 0 a/oni%$ t ,i c\ld ev] h _h su* contemptible ones4 ,let me ?9k :at ,i really & truly mo/ want n[4 ,fir/ ( all1 !n1 if ,god %\ld speak to me at ?is mom5t & (f] to give j "o ?+1 & t alone1 ,i %\ld say )\t hesitation1 ,love to ,!e1 ,o my ,ma/]6 ,next to t1 if ,i c\ld h "o ?+ m1 ,i w\ld *oose to be a ?or\ghly unselfi%1 devot$ wife4 ,d[n 9 my secret he>t ,i "k !re lurks ano!r wi%1 :i* ,i am a%am$ (4 ,x is t 9 "s way or o!r1 "s "r way1 ,i c\ld be deliv]$ f ,m>?a & h] fa!r4 ,i %all nev] be any bett] :ile !y are "h to tempt me6 ,,febru>y #a4-;,erne/ spoke to-day ( "o ( 8 pati5ts1 a ,mrs4 ,campbell1 :o is a great suff]]1 b :om he describes z ! happie/1 mo/ *e]ful p]son he ev] met4 ,he r>ely speaks ( 8 pati5ts4 ,inde$1 he r>ely speaks ( any?+4 ,i felt /rangely attract$ by :at he said ( h]1 & ask$ s _m que/ions t at la/ he propos$ to take me to see h]4 ,i caught at ! idea v eag]ly1 & h j come home f ! visit greatly mov$ & t\*$4 ,%e is conf9$ to h] b$1 & is q helpless1 & at times h] suff]+s are t]rible4 ,%e receiv$ me ) a sweet smile1 h[ev]1 & l$ me on to talk m ( myself ?an ,i ought to h done4 ,i wi% ,erne/ _h n left me alone ) h]1 s t ,i %\ld h _h ! re/ra9t ( 8 pres5ce4 ,,feb4 #ad4-;,i am s fasc9at$ ) ,mrs4 ,campbell t ,i _c help go+ to see h] aga9 & aga94 ,%e seems to me l "o ^: conflict & dismay are all ov]1 & :o looks on o!r human be+s ) an almo/ div9e love & pity4 ,to look at life z %e does1 to feel z %e does1 to h su* a p]sonal love to ,*ri/ z %e has1 ,i w\ld will+ly g ?r\gh e trial & sorr[4 ,:5 ,i told h] s1 %e smil$1 a little sadly4 ,mu* z y envy me1 %e said1 my fai? is n yet s /rong t ,i d n %udd] at ! ?\ght ( a "y en?usia/ic girl l y1 go+ ?r\gh all ,i h done 9 ord] to le>n a few simple lessons :i* ,god 0 will+ to tea* me soon] & )\t ! use ( a rod1 if ,i _h be5 ready = !m4 ,b y are s happy n[1 ,i said4 ,yes1 ,i am happy1 %e repli$1 & su* happ9ess is wor? all x co/s4 ,if my fle% %udd]s at ! remembrance ( :at ,i h endur$1 my fai? su/a9s ,god ?r\gh ! :ole4 ,b tell me a little m ab\t y\rself1 my de>4 ,i %\ld s love to give y a help+ h&1 if ,i might4 ,y "k1 ,i began1 de> ,mrs4 ,campbell1 t !re are "s trials t _c d u any good4 ,!y only call out all !re is 9 u t is unlovely & sev]e4 ,i don't "k ( any su* trials1 %e repli$4 ,suppose y _h to live ) p :o 7 p]fectly uncong5ial2 :o misund]/ood y1 & :o 7 always gett+ into y\r way z /umbl+-blocks8 ,if ,i 7 liv+ ) !m & !y made me unhappy1 ,i w\ld ask ,god to relieve me ( ?is trial if ,he ?\ght x be/4 ,if ,he did n ?9k x be/1 ,i w\ld !n try to f9d out ! reason4 ,he might h two reasons4 ,"o w\ld be ! good !y might d me4 ,! o!r ! good ,i might d !m4 ,b 9 ! case ,i 0 suppos+1 nei!r p>ty c be ( ! lea/ use to ! o!r4 ,y =get p]haps ! indirect good "o may 9 by liv+ ) uncong5ial1 tempt+ p]sons4 ,fir/ su* p d good by ! v self-d5ial & self-control _! m]e pres5ce dem&s4 ,!n1 _! mak+ "o's home less home-l & p]fect ?an x w\ld be 9 _! abs5ce1 may help to r5d] our real home 9 heav5 m attractive4 ,b suppose "o _c ex]cise self-control1 & is always fly+ out & fl>+ up8 ,i object$4 ,i %\ld say t a ,*ri/ian :o 0 always do+ t1 %e repli$1 gravely1 0 9 press+ ne$ ( j ! trial ,god s5t :5 ,he %ut him up to su* a life ( h\rly temptation4 ,we only "k ourselves & :at we really are1 :5 ! =ce ( circum/ances br+ u out4 ,x is v mortify+ & pa9ful to f9d h[ weak "o is4 ,t is true4 ,b our mortifications are "s ( ,god's be/ physicians1 & d mu* t[>d heal+ our pride & self-conceit4 ,d y really ?9k1 !n1 t ,god delib]ately appo9ts to "s ( ,8 *ildr5 a lot :]e _! wor/ passions are excit$1 ) a desire to br+ good out ( ?is seem+ evil8 ,:y ,i h always suppos$ ! be/ ?+ t c\ld happ5 to me1 in/ance1 w\ld be to h a home exactly to my m9d2 a home :]e all 7 =be>+1 lov+ & good-temp]$1 a sort ( little heav5 bel[4 ,if y h n su* a home1 my de>1 are y sure x is n p>tly y\r own fault8 ,( c\rse x is my own fault4 ,because ,i am v quick-temp]$ ,i want to live ) good-temp]$ p4 ,t is v b5evol5t 9 y1 %e said1 ar*ly4 ,i color$1 b w5t on4 ,oh1 ,i "k ,i am selfi%4 ,& !re=e ,i want live ) ^? :o are n s4 ,i want to live ) p]sons to :om ,i c look = an example1 & :o w con/antly /imulate me to some?+ high]4 ,b if ,god *ooses q ano!r lot = y1 y may be sure t ,he sees t y ne$ some?+ totally diff]5t f :at y want4 ,y j n[ t y w\ld gladly g ?r\gh any trial 9 ord] to atta9 a p]sonal love to ,*ri/ t %\ld become ! rul+ pr9ciple ( y\r life4 ,n[ z soon z ,god sees ?is desire 9 y1 is ,he n k9d1 is ,he n wise1 9 appo9t+ su* trials z ,he kn[s w lead to ?is end8 ,i m$itat$ long be=e ,i answ]$4 ,0 ,god really ask+ me n m]ely to let ,m>?a & h] fa!r live ) me on suff]ance1 b to rejoice t ,he _h se5 fit to let !m h>ass & embitt] my dome/ic life8 ,i ?ank y = ! sugge/ion1 ,i said1 at la/4 ,i want to say "o ?+ m1 ,mrs4 ,campbell resum$1 aft] ano!r pause4 ,we look at our fell[-m5 too mu* f ! /&po9t ( our own prejudices4 ,!y may be wrong1 !y may h _! faults & foibles1 !y may call out all t is meane/ & mo/ hateful 9 u4 ,b !y are n all wrong2 !y h _! virtues1 & :5 !y excite our bad passions by _! own1 !y may be z a%am$ & sorry z we are irritat$4 ,& ,i ?9k "s ( ! be/1 mo/ contrite1 mo/ useful ( m5 & wom51 ^: pray]s prevail ) ,god1 & br+ d[n bless+s into ! homes 9 :i* !y dwell (t5 possess unlovely traits t furni% !m ) _! be/ discipl9e4 ,! v fact t !y are a%am$ ( !mselves drives !m to ,god2 !y feel safe 9 ,8 pres5ce1 & :ile !y lie 9 ! v du/ ( self-confusion at ,8 feet !y are de> to ,him & h p[] ) ,him4 ,t is a com=t+ ^w1 & ,i ?ank y = x1 ,i said4 ,my he>t 0 full1 & ,i long$ to /ay & he> h] talk on4 ,b ,i _h already exhau/$ h] /r5g?4 ,on ! way home ,i felt z ,i suppose p d :5 !y h caught a basketful ( fi%4 ,i always am delight$ to cat* a new idea2 ,i ?\ght ,i w\ld get all ! b5efit out ( ,m>?a & h] fa!r1 & z ,i w5t d[n to tea1 aft] tak+ (f my ?+s1 felt l a holy m>tyr :o _h z good z won a cr[n4 ,i f\nd1 h[ev]1 t ! butt] 0 horrible4 ,m>?a _h insi/$ t %e alone 0 capable ( select+ t article1 & _h ord]$ a quantity f h] own village :i* ,i c\ld n eat myself & 0 a%am$ to h on my table4 ,i pu%$ back my plate 9 disgu/4 ,i hope1 ,m>?a1 t y h n ord]$ mu* ( ?is odi\s /uff6 ,i cri$4 ,m>?a repli$ t x 0 ( ! v fir/ quality1 & appeal$ to h] fa!r & ,erne/1 :o bo? agre$ ) h]1 :i* ,i ?\ght v unk9d & unju/4 ,i ru%$ into a hot debate on ! subject1 dur+ :i* ,erne/ ma9ta9$ t om9\s sil5ce t indicates 8 n be+ pleas$1 & x irritat$ & l$ me on4 ,i w\ld f> r he %\ld say1 ,katy1 y are behav+ l a *ild & ,i wi% y w\ld /op talk+4 ,m>?a1 ,i said1 y w p]si/ t ! butt] is good1 because y ord]$ x4 ,if y w only own t1 ,i won't say ano!r ^w4 ,i c't say x1 %e return$4 ,mrs4 ,jones' butt] is inv>iably good4 ,i nev] he>d x f\nd fault ) be=e4 ,! tr\ble is y are s h>d to please4 ,no1 ,i am n4 ,& y c't conv9ce me t if ! butt]milk is n p]fectly work$ out1 ! butt] c\ld be fit to eat4 ,?is spee* ,i felt to be a ma/]piece4 ,x 0 "t to let h] "k h[ le>n$ ,i 0 on ! subject ( butt]1 ?\gh ,i wasn't br\ght up to make x or see x made4 ,b "h ,erne/ put 9 a little oil4 ,i ?9k y are bo? "r1 he said4 ,mrs4 ,jones makes good butt]1 b j ?is once %e fail$4 ,i d>e say x won't happ5 aga91 & mean :ile ?is c be us$ = mak+ se$-cakes1 & we c get a new supply4 ,?is 0 8 ma/]piece4 ,a :ole firk9 ( butt] made up into se$-cakes6 ,m>?a turn$ to enc\nt] him on t head1 & ,i slipp$ (f to my room to look1 ) a mis]able s5se ( disappo9tm5t1 at my folly & weakness 9 mak+ s mu* ado ab\t no?+4 ,i f9d x h>d to believe t x c d me good to h p live ) me :o l rancid butt]1 & :o disagree ) me 9 ev]y?+ else4 ,*apt] #ac ,,xiii4 ,,m>* #a4 ,,aunty s5t = u all to d9e ) h] to-day to celebrate ,lucy's fifte5? bir?day4 ,ev] s9ce ,lucy behav$ s h]oically 9 reg>d to little ,emma1 really sav+ h] life1 ,erne/ says ,aunty seems to feel t %e _c d en\gh = h]4 ,! *ild has tak5 ! mo/ unacc\ntable fancy to me1 /rangely en\gh1 & :5 we got !re %e came to meet me ) some?+ l cordiality4 ,mamma p]mits me to be ! be>] ( agreeable news1 %e said1 because ?is is my bir?day4 ,a fri5d1 ( :om y are v fond1 has j arriv$1 & is impati5t to embrace y4 ,to embrace me8 ,i cri$4 ,y fooli% *ild6 ,& ! next mom5t ,i f\nd myself 9 my "m's arms6 ,! despis$ ,lucy _h be5 ! means ( giv+ me ?is pleasure4 ,x seems t ,aunty _h told h] %e %\ld *oose h] own bir?day treat1 & t1 aft] solemn m$itation1 %e _h decid$ t to see de> "m aga9 w\ld be ! mo/ agreeable ?+ %e c\ld ?9k (4 ,i h nev] told y1 de> j\rnal1 :y ,i did n g home la/ summ]1 & nev] %all4 ,if y *oose to fancy t ,i c\ldn't af=d x y c6 ,well6 wasn't x nice to see "m1 & to read 9 h] de>1 lov+ face t %e 0 satisfi$ ) h] poor1 wayw>d ,katy1 & fond ( h] z ev]6 ,i only long$ = ,erne/'s com+1 t %e might see u toge!r1 & see h[ he lov$ me4 ,he came2 ,i ru%$ out to meet him & dragg$ him 94 ,b x seem$ z if he _h gr[n /upid & awkw>d4 ,all ?r\gh ! d9n] ,i wat*$ = "o ( ^? lov+ glances :i* %\ld proclaim to "m ! good und]/&+ betwe5 u1 b wat*$ 9 va94 ,x w come by & by1 ,i ?\ght4 ,:5 we get by ourselves "m w see h[ fond ( me he is4 ,b by & by x 0 j ! same4 ,i 0 preoccupi$1 & "m ask$ me if ,i 7 well4 ,x 0 all v fooli% ,i d>e say1 & yet ,i did want to h h] "k t ) all my faults he /ill loves me4 ,!n1 besides ?is disappo9tm5t1 ,i h to reproa* myself = misund]/&+ poor ,lucy z ,i h done4 ,because %e 0 n all fire & fury l myself1 ,i ne$ n h assum$ t %e _h no he>t4 ,x is j l me2 ,i hope ,i %all nev] be s sev]e 9 my judgm5t aga94 ,,april #cj4-,"m has j gone4 ,h] visit has done me a _w ( good4 ,%e f\nd out some?+ to l 9 fa!r at once1 & !n some?+ good 9 ,m>?a4 ,%e says fa!r's suff]+s are real1 n fanci$2 t 8 error is n kn[+ :]e to locate 8 disease1 & is />v+ "o week & ov]-eat+ ! next4 ,%e *>g$ me n to lay up future mis]y = myself by misjudg+ him n[1 & to treat him z a daught] ought )\t ! smalle/ reg>d to 8 appreciation ( x4 ,!n z to ,m>?a1 %e decl>es t ,i h no idea h[ mu* %e does to r$uce our exp5ses1 to keep ! h\se 9 ord] & to relieve u f c>e4 ,b1 "m1 ,i said1 did y notice :at horrid butt] we h8 ,& x is all h] do+4 ,b ! butt] won't la/ =ev]1 %e repli$4 ,don't make y\rself mis]able ab\t su* a trifle4 ,= my "p1 x is a great relief to me to "k t ) y\r delicate heal? y h ?is t[] ( /r5g? to lean on4 ,b my heal? is n delicate1 "m4 ,y c]ta9ly look pale & ?94 ,oh1 well1 ,i said1 :]eupon %e fell to giv+ me all sorts ( advice ab\t gett+ up on /ep-ladd]s1 & climb+ on *airs1 & sew+ too mu* & all t4 ,,june #ae4-,! wea!r1 or some?+1 makes me r languid & /upid4 ,i beg9 to ?9k t ,m>?a is n an entire nuisance 9 ! h\se4 ,i h j be5 to see ,mrs4 ,campbell4 ,9 answ] to my r\t9e ( lam5tations1 %e took up a book & read me :at 0 call$1 z ne>ly z ,i c rememb]1 ,f\r /eps t lead to peace4 ,be desir\s ( do+ ! w ( ano!r r ?an ?9e own4 ,*oose always to h less1 r ?an m4 ,seek always ! l[e/ place1 & to be inf]ior to e "o4 ,wi% always1 & pray1 t ! w ( ,god may be :olly fulfill$ 9 !e4 ,i 0 mu* /ruck ) ^! directions2 b ,i said1 despond5tly3 ,if peace c only be f\nd at ! end ( su* h>d roads1 ,i am sure ,i %all always be mis]able4 ,are y mis]able n[8 %e ask$4 ,yes1 j n[ ,i am4 ,i d n mean t ,i h no happ9ess2 ,i mean t ,i am 9 a di%e>t5$ mood1 we>y ( go+ r\nd & r\nd 9 circles1 committ+ ! same s9s1 utt]+ ! same confessions1 & mak+ no advance4 ,my de>1 %e said1 aft] a "t1 h y a p]fectly di/9ct1 settl$ view ( :at ,*ri/ is to ! human s\l8 ,i d n "k4 ,i und]/&1 ( c\rse1 m or less p]fectly1 t my salvation dep5ds on ,him alone2 x is ,8 gift4 ,b d y see1 ) equal cle>ness1 t y\r sanctification mu/ be z fully ,8 gift1 z y\r salvation is8 ,no1 ,i said1 aft] a little ?\ght4 ,i h _h a feel+ t ,he has done ,8 "p1 & n[ ,i mu/ d m9e4 ,my de>1 %e said1 ) mu* t5d]ness & feel+1 !n ! fir/ ?+ y h to d is to le>n ,*ri/4 ,b h[8 ,on y\r knees1 my *ild1 on y\r knees6 ,%e 0 tir$1 & ,i came away2 & ,i h inde$ be5 on my knees4 ,,july #a4-;,i ?9k t ,i d beg91 dimly x is true1 b really1 to und]/& t ?is t]rible "w :i* ,i 0 try+ to d myself1 is ,*ri/'s "w1 & mu/ be done & w be done by ,him4 ,i take "s pleasure 9 ! ?\ght1 & wond] :y x has all ?is "t be5 hidd5 f me1 especially aft] :at ,dr4 ,c4 said 9 8 lett]4 ,b ,i get hold ( ?is idea 9 a mi/y1 unsatisfactory way4 ,if ,*ri/ is to d all1 :at am ,i to d8 ,& h ,i n be5 told1 ov] & ov] aga91 t ! ,*ri/ian life is "o ( conflict1 & t ,i am to fight l a good soldi]8 ,,augu/ #e4-;,dr4 ,cabot has come j z ,i ne$ him mo/4 ,i long = "o ( ^? good talks ) him :i* always us$ to /r5g!n me s4 ,i feel a p]fect weight ( depression t makes me a burd5 to myself & to poor ,erne/1 :o1 aft] visit+ sick p all day1 ne$s to come home to a *e]ful wife4 ,b he com=ts me ) ! assurance t ?is is m]ely physical despond5cy1 & t ,i %all get ov] x by & by4 ,h[ k9d1 h[ ev5 t5d] he is6 ,my he>t is gett+ all x wants f him1 only ,i am too /upid to enjoy him z ,i ought4 ,fa!r1 too1 talks f> less ab\t 8 own bad feel+s1 & seems greatly conc]n$ at m9e4 ,z to ,m>?a ,i h done try+ to get sympa?y or love f h]4 ,%e _c help x1 ,i suppose1 b %e is v h>d & dry t[>ds me1 & ,i feel su* a long+ to ?r[ myself on h] m]cy1 & to h "o little smile to assure me t %e has =giv5 me = be+ ,erne/'s wife1 & s diff]5t f :at %e w\ld h *os5 = him4 ,dr4 ,elliott to ,mrs4 ,mortim]3 ,,octob] #d1 #ahch4 ,my de> ,katy's ,"m--,y w rejoice ) u :5 ,i tell y t we are ! happy p>5ts ( a v f9e little boy4 ,my de>e/ wife s5ds an ocean ( love to y1 & says %e w write h] self to-morr[4 ,t ,i %all n be v likely to all[1 z y w imag9e4 ,%e is do+ extremely well1 & we h ev]y?+ to be grateful =4 ,y\r affectionate ,son1 ,j4 ,e4 ,,elliott4 ,mrs4 ,cr(ton to ,mrs4 ,mortim]3 ,i am sure1 my de> si/]1 t ! doctor has n writt5 y m ?an five l9es ab\t ! great ev5t :i* has made su* a /ir 9 our dome/ic circle4 ,s ,i mu/ try to supply ! details y w want to he>4444 ,i ne$ n add t our d>l+ ,katy behav$ nobly4 ,h] self-=getfulness & consid]ation = o!rs 7 really beautiful ?r\gh\t ! :ole sc5e4 ,! doctor may well be pr\d ( h]1 & ,i took c>e to tell him s ill pres5ce ( t dreadful si/] ( 84 ,i nev] met s angul>1 s uncompromis+ a p]son z %e is 9 all my life4 ,%e does n und]/& ,katy1 & nev] c1 & ,i f9d x h>d to realize t liv+ ) su* a p]son c furni% a :olesome discipl9e1 :i* is ev5 m desirable ?an ! mo/ delightful home4 ,& yet ,i n only "k t is true 9 ! ab/ract1 b ,i see t x is s 9 ! fact4 ,katy is acquir+ bo? self-control & pati5ce & h] ,*ri/ian "* is develop+ 9 a way t amazes me4 ,i _c b hope t ,god w1 9 "t1 deliv] h] f ?is trial2 inde$1 feel sure t :5 x has done its b5efic5t "w ,he w d s4 ,m>?a ,elliott is a good woman1 b h] goodness is )\t grace or beauty4 ,%e takes excell5t c>e ( ,katy1 keeps h] look+ z if %e _h j come out ( a b&-box1 z ! say+ & always has h] room 9 p]fect ord]4 ,b "o misses ! lov+ ^w1 ! re-assur+ smile1 ! delicate1 ?\ghtful little =be>ance1 t ought to adorn e sick-room1 & light x up ) g5u9e sun%9e4 ,!re is "o com=t ab\t x1 h[ev]1 & t is t ,i c spoil de> ,katy to my he>t's cont5t4 ,z to ! baby1 he is a f9e little fell[1 & 8 "m is s happy 9 him t %e c af=d to d )\t "s o!r pleasures4 ,i %all write aga9 9 a few days4 ,mean:ile1 y may re/ assur$ t ,i love y\r ,katy almo/ z well z y d1 & %all be ) h] mo/ ( ! "t till %e is q h]self aga94 ,james to 8 "m3 ,( c\rse !re nev] 0 su* a baby be=e on ! face ( ! e>?4 ,katy is s ne>ly wild ) joy1 t y c't get h] to eat or sleep or d any ( ! prop] ?+s t h] *>m+ si/]-9-law ?9ks becom+ "u ! circum/ances4 ,y nev] saw any?+ s pretty 9 y\r life1 z %e is n[4 ,i hope ! doctor is z mu* 9 love ) h] z ,i am4 ,he is ! be/ fell[ 9 ! _w1 & ,katy is j ! wife = him4 ,nov4 #d4-,my d>l+ baby is a mon? old to-day4 ,i nev] saw su* a spl5did *ild4 ,i love him s t ,i lie awake nights to wat* him4 ,m>?a says1 9 h] dry way1 t ,i _h bett] %[ my love by sleep+ & eat+ = him1 & ,erne/ says ,i %all1 z soon z ,i get /rong]4 ,b ,i don't get /rong1 & t disc\rages me4 ,nov4 #bf4-;,i beg9 to feel r m l myself1 & z if ,i c\ld write ) less labor4 ,i h _h 9 ^! few pa/ weeks su* a revelation ( suff]+1 & su* a revelation ( joy1 z mortal m9d c h>dly conceive (4 ,! _w ,i live 9 n[ is a new _w2 a _w full ( suff]+ t leads to unutt]able felicity4 ,oh1 ?is preci\s1 preci\s baby6 ,h[ c ,i ?ank ,god en\gh = giv+ him to me6 ,i see n[ :y ,he has put "s ?orns into my dome/ic life2 b = !m ,i %\ld be too happy to live4 ,x does n seem j ! mom5t to compla91 & yet1 z ,i c speak to no "o1 x is a relief1 a great relief1 to write ab\t my trials4 ,dur+ my :ole sickness1 ,m>?a has be5 s h>d1 s cold1 s unsympa?iz+ t sometimes x has seem$ z if my cup ( trial c\ld n hold ano!r drop4 ,%e r\t$ me out ( b$ :5 ,i 0 s languid t ev]y?+ seem$ a burd51 & :5 sitt+ up made me fa9t away4 ,i he>d h] say to h]self1 t ,i _h no con/itution & _h no bus9ess to get m>ri$4 ,! wor/ ( all is t dur+ t dreadful night be=e baby came1 %e kept ask+ ,erne/ to lie d[n & re/1 & 0 sure he w\ld kill himself1 & all t1 :ile %e _h n "o ^w ( pity = me4 ,b1 oh1 :y ne$ ,i let ?is rankle 9 my he>t6 ,:y _c ,i turn my ?\ghts entirely to my d>l+ baby1 my de> husb&1 & all ! o!r s\rces ( joy t make my home a happy "o 9 spite ( ?is "o discom=t6 ,i hope ,i am le>n+ "s useful lessons f my joys & f my trials1 & t bo? w s]ve to make me 9 e>ne/1 & to keep me s4 ,,dec4 #d4-,we h _h a great "t ab\t poor baby's "n4 ,i expect$ to call him ,raymond1 = my own de> fa!r1 z a matt] ( c\rse4 ,x seem$ a small gratification = "m 9 h] lonel9ess4 ,de> "m6 ,h[ little ,i h kn[n all ^! ye>s :at ,i co/ h]6 ,b x seems !re has be5 a ,jo?am 9 ! family ev] s9ce ! memory ( man1 ea* elde/ son h&+ d[n 8 fa!r's "n to ! next 9 desc5t1 & ,erne/'s real "n is ,jo?am ,erne/--( all ! extraord9>y comb9ations6 ,8 "m w\ld add ! latt] "n 9 spite ( ev]y?+4 ,erne/ behav$ v well ?r\gh ! :ole affair1 & said he _h no feel+ ab\t x all4 ,b he 0 s gratifi$ :5 ,i decid$ to keep up ! family cu/om t ,i feel rew>d$ = ! sacrifice4 ,fa!r is 9 "o ( 8 gloomie/ moods4 ,z ,i sat c>ess+ baby to-day he said to me3 ,daught] ,ka!r9e1 ,i tru/ y make x a subject ( pray] to ,god t y may be kept f idolatry4 ,no1 fa!r1 ,i return$1 ,i nev] d4 ,an idol is some?+ "o puts 9 ,god's place1 & ,i don't put baby !re4 ,he %ook 8 head & said ! he>t is deceitful above all ?+s1 & desp]ately wick$4 ,i h he>d "m say t we might love an e>?ly object z mu* z we pleas$1 if we only love ,god bett]4 ,i might h add$1 b ( c\rse ,i didn't2 t ,i pray$ e day t ,i might love ,erne/ & baby bett] & bett]4 ,poor fa!r seem$ puzzl$ & tr\bl$ by :at ,i did say1 & aft] mus+ a :ile1 w5t on ?us3 ,! ,almighty is a great & t]rible ,be+4 ,he _c be> a rival2 ,he w h ! :ole he>t or none ( x4 ,:5 ,i see a "y woman s absorb$ 9 a creat$ be+ z y are 9 t infant1 & 9 y\r o!r fri5ds1 ,i tremble = y1 ,i tremble = y6 ,b1 fa!r1 ,i p]si/$1 ,god gave me ?is *ild1 & ,he gave me my he>t1 j z x is4 ,yes2 & t he>t ne$s r5ew+4 ,i hope x is r5ew$1 ,i repli$4 ,b ,i "k !re is a great "w /ill to be done 9 x4 ,& ! m effectually x is done ! m lov+ ,i %all gr[4 ,don't y see1 fa!r8 ,don't y see t ! m ,*ri/-l ,i become ! m ,i %all be fill$ ) love = e liv+ ?+8 ,he %ook 8 head1 b pond]$ long1 z he always does1 on :atev] he consid]s audaci\s4 ,z = me1 ,i am vex$ ) my presumption 9 disput+ ) him1 & am sure1 too1 t ,i 0 try+ to %[ (f :at little wisdom ,i h pick$ up4 ,besides1 my m\nta9 does n /& s /rong z x did4 ,p]haps ,i am mak+ idols out ( ,erne/ & ! baby4 ,,janu>y #af1 #ahci4-,?is is our second w$d+ day4 ,i did n expect mu* f x1 aft] la/ ye>'s failure4 ,fa!r 0 v gloomy at breakfa/1 & retir$ to 8 room directly aft] x4 ,no "o c\ld get 9 to make 8 b$1 & he w\ld n come d[n to d9n]4 ,i wond] ,erne/ lets him g on s4 ,b 8 rule seems to be to let ev]ybody h _! own way4 ,he c]ta9ly lets me h m9e4 ,aft] d9n] he gave me a book ,i h be5 want+ = "s "t1 & _h ask$ him =-,! ,imitation ( ,*ri/4 ,ev] s9ce t day at ,mrs4 ,campbell's ,i h felt t ,i %\ld l x1 ?\gh ,i did ?9k1 9 old times1 t x prea*$ too h>d a doctr9e4 ,i read al\d to him ! ,f\r ,/eps to ,peace2 he said !y 7 admirable1 & !n took x f me & began read+ to himself1 "h & !re4 ,i felt ! preci\s mom5ts :5 ,i _h got him all to myself 7 pass+ away1 & 0 becom+ q out ( pati5ce ) him :5 ! words ,con/antly seek to h less1 r ?an m1 fla%$ into my m9d4 ,i suppose ?is direction _h ref]5ce to worldly good1 b ,i despise money1 & despise p :o love x4 ,! ri*es ,i crave are n silv] & gold1 b my husb&'s love & e/eem4 ,& ( ^! mu/ ,i desire to h less r ?an m8 ,i puzzl$ myself ov] ?is "q 9 va91 b :5 ,i sil5tly pray$ to be satisfi$ ) j :at ,god *ose to give me ( ! weal? ,i crave1 yes1 hung] & ?ir/ =1 ,i c]ta9ly felt a sweet cont5t1 = ! "t1 at lea/1 t 0 q re/+ & quiet+4 ,& j z ,i _h rea*$ t acquiesc5t mood ,erne/ ?rew d[n 8 book1 & came & caught me 9 8 arms4 ,i ?ank ,god1 he said1 my preci\s wife1 t ,i m>ri$ y ?is day4 ,! wise/ ?+ ,i ev] did 0 :5 ,i fell 9 love ) y & made a fool ( myself6 ,:at a spee* = my sil5t old d>l+ to make6 ,:5ev] he says & does a ?+ out ( "*1 & takes me all by surprise1 h[ delightful he is6 ,n[ ! _w is a beautiful _w1 & s is ev]ybody 9 x4 ,i met ,m>?a on ! /airs aft] ,erne/ _h gone1 & caught h] & kiss$ h]4 ,%e look$ p]fectly a/oni%$4 ,:at spirits ! *ild has6 ,i he>d h] :isp] to h]self2 no soon] d[n ?an up aga94 ,& %e sigh$4 ,c x be t "u t /]n & h>d cru/ !re lie hidd5 affections & p]haps hidd5 sorr[s8 ,i ran back & ask$1 z k9dly z ,i c\ld1 ,:at makes y sigh1 ,m>?a8 ,is any?+ tr\bl+ y8 ,h ,i done any?+ to annoy y8 ,y d ! be/ y c1 %e said1 & pu%$ pa/ me to h] own room4 ,*apt] #ad ,,xiv4 ,,jan4 #cj4 ,,:o w\ld h ?\ght ,i w\ld h any?+ m to d ) poor old ,susan ,gre58 ,dr4 ,cabot came to see me to-day1 & told me ! /range/ ?+6 ,x seems t ! nurse :o p]=m$ ! la/ (fices = h] 0 tak5 sick ab\t six mon?s ago1 & t ,dr4 ,cabot visit$ h] f "t to "t4 ,h] physician said %e ne$$ no?+ b re/ & good1 n\ri%+ food to re/ore h] /r5g?1 yet %e did n improve at all1 & at la/ x came out t %e 0 n tak+ ! food ! doctor ord]$1 because %e c\ld n af=d to d s1 hav+ lo/ :at little money %e _h contriv$ to save4 ,dr4 ,cabot1 on le>n+ ?is1 gave h] en\gh out ( ,susan's legacy to meet h] case1 & 9 do+ s told h] ab\t t extraord9>y w4 ,! nurse !n assur$ him t :5 %e rea*$ ,susan's room & f\nd ! /ate t %e 0 91 & t ,i 0 pray+ ) h]1 %e _h rema9$ wait+ 9 sil5ce1 fe>+ to int]rupt me4 ,%e saw me fa9t1 & sprang =w>d j 9 "t to cat* me & keep me f fall+4 ,i take great pleasure1 !re=e1 ,dr4 ,cabot cont9u$1 9 mak+ ov] ,susan's little prop]ty to y1 to :om x belongs2 & ,i _c help congratulat+ y t y h _h ! honor & ! privilege ( p]haps lead+ t poor1 b5ight$ s\l to ,*ri/1 ev5 at ! elev5? h\r4 ,oh1 ,dr4 ,cabot1 ,i cri$1 :at a relief x is to he> y say t6 ,= ,i h always reproa*$ myself = ! c[>dice t made me afraid to speak to h] ( h] ,savi\r4 ,x takes less c\rage to speak to ,god ?an to man4 ,x is my belief1 repli$ ,dr4 ,cabot1 t e pray] (f]$ 9 ! "n ( ,jesus is sure to h its answ]4 ,e su* pray] is dictat$ by ! ,holy ,_s1 & !re=e f9ds acceptance ) ,god2 & if y\r cry = m]cy on poor ,susan's s\l did n prevail ) ,him 9 h] behalf1 z we may hope x did1 !n ,he has answ]$ x 9 "s o!r way4 ,^! words impress$ me v mu*4 ,to ?9k t e "o ( my poor pray]s is answ]$6 ,e "o6 ,dr4 ,cabot !n return$ to ! subject ( ,susan's w1 & 9 spite ( all ,i c\ld say to ! contr>y1 insi/$ t he _h no legal "r to ?is money1 & t ,i _h4 ,he said he hop$ t x w\ld help to relieve u f "s ( ! petty economies n[ r5d]$ necess>y by ,erne/'s /ruggle to meet 8 fa!r's liabilities4 ,in/antly my idol 0 rudely ?r[n d[n f 8 p$e/al4 ,h[ c\ld he reveal to ,dr4 ,cabot a secret he _h pret5d$ x co/ him s mu* to confide to me1 8 wife8 ,i c\ld h>dly re/ra9 te>s ( %ame & vexation1 b did control myself s f> z to say t ,i w\ld soon] die ?an appropriate ,susan's h>d e>n+s to su* a purpose1 & t ,i %\ld use x = ! poor1 z ,i 0 sure he w\ld h done4 ,he !n advis$ me to inve/ ! pr9cipal1 & use ! int]e/ f ye> to ye>1 z occasions pres5t$ !mselves4 ,s1 ,i %all h m ?an a hundr$ doll>s to give away ea* ye>1 z long z ,i live6 ,h[ p]fectly delightful6 ,i c h>dly conceive ( any?+ t give me s mu* pleasure6 ,poor old ,susan6 ,h[ _m he>ts %e %all cause to s+ = joy6 ,feb4 #be4-,?+s h n gone on well ( late4 ,de>ly z ,i love ,erne/1 he has l[]$ himself 9 my eye by tell+ t to ,dr4 ,cabot4 ,x w\ld h be5 f> nobl] to be sil5t conc]n+ 8 sacrifices2 & he c]ta9ly gr[s h>d]1 grav]1 /]n] e day4 ,he is all %ut up )9 himself1 & ,i am gr[+ afraid ( him4 ,x mu/ be t he is bitt]ly disappo9t$ 9 me1 & takes refuge 9 ?is awful sil5ce4 ,oh1 if ,i c\ld only please him1 & "k t ,i pleas$ him1 h[ diff]5t my life w\ld be6 ,baby does n seem well4 ,i h (t5 plum$ myself on ! ?\ght t hav+ a doctor = 8 fa!r w\ld be su* an advantage to him1 z he w\ld be ready 'to attack ! fir/ symptoms ( disease4 ,b ,erne/ h>dly li/5s to me :5 ,i express anxiety ab\t ?is or t1 & if ,i ask a "q he replies1 ,oh1 y "k bett] ?an ,i d4 ,mo!rs "k by in/9ct h[ to manage babies4 ,b ,i d n "k by in/9ct1 or 9 any o!r way1 & ,i (t5 wi% t ! "t ,i sp5t ov] my music _h be5 sp5t le>n+ h[ to meet all ! little em]g5cies t are con/antly aris+ s9ce baby came4 ,h[ ,i us$ to laugh 9 my sleeve at ^? anxi\s mo!rs :o liv$ ne> u & always seem$ to be 9 hot wat]4 ,m>?a w take baby :5 ,i h o!r ?+s to att5d to1 & %e keeps him e ,sunday aft]noon t ,i may g to *ur*1 b %e kn[s no m ab\t 8 physical tra9+ ?an ,i d4 ,if my de> "m 7 only "h6 ,i feel a good deal worn out4 ,:at ) ! c>e ( baby1 :o is re/less at night1 & ) :om ,i walk ab\t le/ he %\ld keep ,erne/ awake1 ! depress+ influ5ce ( fa!r's pres5ce1 ,m>?a's disda91 & ,erne/ keep+ s alo( f me1 life seems to me little bett] ?an a burd5 t ,i h n /r5g? to c>ry & w\ld gladly lay d[n4 ,,m>* #c4-;,if x 7 n = ,james ,i believe ,i %\ld s9k4 ,he is s k9d & affectionate1 s ready to fill up ! gaps ,erne/ leaves empty1 & is s sun%9y & gay t ,i _c be entirely sad4 ,baby1 too1 is a preci\s treasure2 x w\ld be wick$ to cl\d 8 little life ) my depression4 ,i try to look at him always ) a smil+ face1 = he already di/+ui%es betwe5 a *e]ful & a sad c\nt5ance4 ,i am sure t !re is some?+ 9 ,*ri/'s gospel t w\ld soo! & su/a9 me amid ^! v>i$ trials1 if ,i only knew :at x is1 & h[ to put =? my h& & take x4 ,b z x is ,i feel v desolate4 ,erne/ (t5 congratulates me on hav+ _h su* a good night's re/1 :5 ,i h be5 up & d[n e h\r ) baby1 half asleep froz5 & exhau/$4 ,b he %all sleep at any rate4 ,april #e4-,! fir/ rays ( spr+ make me m languid ?an ev]4 ,m>?a _c be made to und]/& t nurs+ su* a l>ge1 voraci\s baby1 los+ sleep1 & conf9em5t )9 doors1 are en\gh to acc\nt = ?is4 ,%e is con/antly speak+ 9 t]ms ( praise ( ^? :o keep up ev5 :5 !y d feel a little out ( sorts1 & says %e always does4 ,9 ! ev5+1 aft] baby gets to sleep1 ,i feel fit = no?+ b to lie on ! s(a1 doz+2 b %e sees 9 ?is only a lazy habit1 :i* ought n to be tol]at$1 & is con/antly devis+ ways to r\se & set me at "w4 ,if ,i _h m leisure = read+1 m$itation & pray]1 ,i might /ill be happy4 ,b all ! morn+1 ,i mu/ h baby till he takes 8 nap1 & z soon z he gets to sleep ,i mu/ put my room 9 ord]1 & by t "t all ! be/ "p ( ! day is gone4 ,& at night ,i am s tir$ t ,i c h>dly feel any?+ b my we>9ess4 ,t1 too1 is my only *ance ( see+ ,erne/ & if ,i lock my door & fall ^u my knees1 ,i keep li/5+ = 8 /ep1 ready to spr+ to welcome %\ld he come4 ,?is is wrong1 ,i "k1 b h[ c ,i live )\t "o lov+ ^w f him1 & e day ,i am hop+ x w come4 ,,may #b-;,aunty 0 "h to-day4 ,i _h n se5 h] = "s weeks4 ,%e exclaim$ at my looks 9 a tone t seem$ to upbraid ,erne/ & ,m>?a ?\gh ( c\rse %e did n mean to d t4 ,y are n fit to h ! :ole c>e ( t great boy at night1 said %e1 & y ought to beg9 to fe$ him1 bo? = 8 sake & y\r own4 ,i am will+ to take ! *ild at night1 ,m>?a said1 a little /iffly4 ,b ,i suppos$ 8 "m pref]r$ to keep him h]self4 ,& s ,i d1 ,i cri$4 ,i %\ld be p]fectly mis]able if ,i _h to give him up j z he is gett+ tee?1 & s wakeful4 ,:at are y tak+ to keep up y\r /r5g?1 de>8 ask$ ,aunty4 ,no?+ 9 p>ticul>1 ,i said4 ,v well1 x is "t ! doctor look$ aft] t1 %e cri$4 ,x really nev] w d to let y run d[n 9 ?is way4 ,let me look at baby4 ,:y1 my *ild1 8 gums ne$ lanc+4 ,s ,i h told ,erne/ half a doz5 times1 ,i decl>$4 ,b he is always 9 a hurry1 & says ano!r "t w d4 ,i hope baby won't h convulsions :ile he is wait+ = t o!r "t1 said ,aunty1 look+ almo/ savagely at ,m>?a4 ,i nev] saw ,aunty s ne>ly out ( humor4 ,at d9n] ,m>?a began4 ,i ?9k1 bro!r1 ! baby ne$s att5tion4 ,mrs4 ,cr(ton has be5 "h & says s4 ,& %e seems to f9d ,ka!r9e run d[n4 ,i am sure if ,i _h kn[n x ,i %\ld h tak5 h] 9 h& & built h] up4 ,b %e did n compla94 ,%e nev] compla9s1 fa!r "h put 91 call+ all ! blood ,i _h into my face1 my he>t s leap$ = joy at 8 k9d ^w4 ,erne/ look$ at me & caught ! illum9ation ( my face4 ,y look well1 de>1 he said4 ,b if y d n feel s y ought to tell u4 ,z to baby1 ,i w att5d to him directly4 ,s ,m>?a's "o ^w prevail$ :]e my tw5ty fell to ! gr\nd4 ,baby is mu* reliev$1 & has fall5 into a sweet sleep4 ,& ,i h _h "t to c>ry my tir$1 oppress$ he>t to my compassionate ,savi\r1 & to tell ,him :at ,i _c utt] to any human e>4 ,h[ /range x is t :51 ?r\gh _m ye>s ( leisure & /r5g?1 pray] 0 only a task1 x is n[ my *ief solace if ,i c only snat* "t = x4 ,mrs4 ,embury has a little daught]4 ,h[ glad ,i am = h]6 ,%e is go+ to give x my "n4 ,t is a real pleasure4 ,,july #d4-;,baby is t5 mon?s old to-day1 & 9 spite ( ev]y?+ is bright & well4 ,i h come home to "m4 ,erne/ wak$ up at la/ to see t some?+ mu/ be done1 & :5 he is awake he is v wide awake4 ,s he br\ght me home4 ,de> "m is p]fectly delight$1 only %e w make an ado ab\t my heal?4 ,b ,i feel a good deal bett]1 & ?9k ,i %all get nicely re/$ "h4 ,h[ pleasant x is to feel myself wat*$ by fri5dly eyes1 my faults excus$ & =giv51 & :at is be/ 9 me call$ out4 ,i h be5 writ+ to ,erne/1 & h told him hone/ly h[ annoy$ & pa9$ ,i 0 at le>n+ t he _h told 8 secret to ,dr4 ,cabot4 ,,july #ab4-;,erne/ writes t he has _h no communication ) ,dr4 ,cabot or any "o else on subject t1 t\*+ 8 fa!r's honor z x does1 he reg>ds z a sacr$ "o4 ,y say1 de>1 he said1 y (t5 say1 t ,i d n und]/& y4 ,are y sure t y und]/& me8 ,( c\rse ,i don't4 ,h[ c ,i8 ,h[ c ,i reconcile 8 m>ry+ me & pr(ess+ to d x ) delight1 ) 8 indiff]5ce to my society1 8 res]ve1 8 c>elessness ab\t my heal?8 ,b 8 lett]s are v k9d1 & really w>m] ?an he is4 ,i c h>dly wait = !m1 & !n1 ?\gh my pride bids me to be retic5t z he is1 my he>t runs away ) me1 & ,i p\r out ^u him su* floods ( affection t ,i am sure he is half dr[n$4 ,"m says baby is spl5did4 ,,augu/ #a4-,:5 ,i took leave ( ,erne/ ,i 0 glad to get away4 ,i ?\ght he w\ld p]haps f9d aft] ,i 0 gone t he miss$ some?+ out ( 8 life & w\ld welcome me home ) a little ( ! old love4 ,b ,i did n dream t he w\ld n f9d x easy to d )\t me till summ] 0 ov]1 & :51 ?is morn+1 he came sudd5ly ^u u1 c>pet-bag 9 h&1 ,i c\ld d no?+ b cry 9 8 arms l a tir$ *ild4 ,& n[ ,i _h ! silly triumph ( hav+ "m see t he lov$ me6 ,h[ c\ld y get away8 ,i ask$ at la/4 ,& :at made y come8 ,& h[ long c y /ay8 ,i c\ld get away because ,i w\ld1 he repli$4 ,& ,i came because ,i want$ to come4 ,& ,i c /ay ?ree days4 ,?ree days ( ,erne/ all to myself6 ,,augu/ #e4-;,he has gone1 b he has left beh9d him a happy wife & ! memory ( ?ree happy days4 ,aft] ! fir/ joy ( our meet+ 0 ov]1 we _h "t = j su* nice long talks z ,i delight 94 ,erne/ began by upbraid+ me a little = my inju/ice 9 fancy+ he _h betray$ 8 fa!r to ,dr4 ,cabot4 ,t is n all1 ,i int]rupt$1 ,i ev5 ?\ght y _h made a boa/ ( ! sacrifices y 7 mak+4 ,t expla9s y\r coldness1 he return$4 ,my coldness6 ,( all ! ridicul\s ?+s 9 ! _w6 ,i cri$4 ,y 7 cold1 = y & ,i felt x4 ,don't y "k t we undemon/rative m5 pref] lov+ w9some little wom5 l y1 j because y are our own opposites8 ,& :5 ! pet kitt5 turns into a cat ) claws4 ,n[1 ,erne/1 t is really too bad6 ,to comp>e me to a cat6 ,y c]ta9ly did say "s %>p ?+s to me ab\t t "t4 ,did ,i1 really8 ,oh1 ,erne/1 h[ c\ld ,i8 ,& x 0 at a mom5t :5 ,i p>ticul>ly ne$$ y\r help4 ,b d n let u dwell ^u x4 ,we love ea* o!r2 we are bo? try+ to d "r 9 all ! details ( life4 ,i d n ?9k we %all ev] get v f> ap>t4 ,b1 ,erne/-tell me-are y v1 v mu* disappo9t$ 9 me8 ,disappo9t$8 ,:y1 ,katy6 ,!n :at did make y seem s indiff]5t8 ,:at made y s sl[ to obs]ve h[ mis]ably ,i 01 z to heal?8 ,did ,i seem indiff]5t8 ,i am sure ,i nev] lov$ y bett]4 ,z to y\r heal?1 ,i am a%am$ ( myself4 ,i ought to h se5 h[ feeble y 74 ,b ! tru? is1 ,i 0 deceiv$ by y\r bright ways ) baby4 ,= him y 7 all smiles & gayety4 ,t 0 f pr9ciple1 ,i said1 & felt a good deal elat$ z ,i made ! ann\ncem5t4 ,he fell into a fit ( mus+1 & none ( my usual devices = ar\s+ him _h any effect4 ,i pull$ 8 hair & 8 e>s1 & %ook him1 b he rema9$ unmov$4 ,at la/ he began aga94 ,p]haps ,i owe x to y1 de>1 to tell y t :5 ,i br\ght my fa!r & si/] home to live ) u1 ,i did n dream h[ try+ a ?+ x w\ld be to y4 ,i did n "k t he 0 a confirm$ invalid1 or t %e w\ld prove to possess a nature s entirely antagoni/ic to y\rs4 ,i ?\ght my fa!r w\ld int]e/ himself 9 read+1 visit+1 etc1 z he us$ to d4 ,& ,i ?\ght ,m>?a's judgm5t w\ld be ( s]vice to y1 :ile h] h\sehold skill w\ld relieve y ( "s c>e4 ,b ! :ole ?+ has prov$ a failure4 ,i am h>ass$ by ! sight ( my fa!r1 sitt+ !re 9 8 corn] s p5etrat$ ) gloom2 ,i reproa* myself = x1 b ,i almo/ dread com+ home4 ,:5 a man has be5 all day encompass$ ) s\nds & sights ( suff]+1 he naturally longs = *e]ful faces & *e]ful voices 9 8 own h\se4 ,!n ,m>?a's p]t9aci\s-,i won't say ho/ility to my little wife-:at %all ,i call x8 ,x is only want ( sympa?y4 ,%e is too really good to be ho/ile to any "o4 ,?ank y1 my d>l+1 he said1 ,i believe y d h] ju/ice4 ,i am afraid ,i h n be5 z =be>+ ) h] z ,i ought1 ,i said4 ,b1 oh1 ,erne/1 x is because ,i h be5 jeal\s ( h] all along6 ,t is really too absurd4 ,y c]ta9ly h treat$ h] ) m def]5ce ?an y h me4 ,y look$ up to h] & look$ d[n ^u me4 ,at lea/ x seem$ s4 ,my de> *ild1 y h misund]/ood ! :ole ?+4 ,i gave ,m>?a j :at %e want$ mo/2 %e likes to be look$ up to4 ,& ,i gave y :at ,i ?\ght y want$ mo/1 my t5d]e/ love4 ,& ,i expect$ t ,i %\ld h y\r sympa?y amid ! trials ) :i* ,i am burd5$1 & t ) y\r /rong nature ,i might look to y to help me be> !m4 ,i "k y h ! wor/ ( x1 de> *ild1 b !n y h twice my /r5g?4 ,i believe wom5 almo/ always h m ?an m54 ,i h1 inde$1 misund]/ood y4 ,i ?\ght y lik$ to h !m "h1 & t ,m>?a's n fancy+ me influ5c$ y aga9/ me4 ,b n[ ,i "k j :at y want ( me1 & ,i c give x1 d>l+4 ,aft] ?is all our cl\d melt$ away4 ,i only long to g home & %[ ,erne/ t he %all h "o *e]ful face ab\t him1 & h "o *e]ful voice4 ,,augu/ #ab4-;,i h _h a long lett] f ,erne/ to-day4 ,he says he hopes he has n be5 selfi% & unk9d 9 speak+ ( 8 fa!r & si/] z he has done1 because he truly loves & honors !m bo?1 & wants me to d s1 if ,i c4 ,8 fa!r _h call$ !m up twice to see him die & to receive 8 la/ messages4 ,?is always happ5s :5 ,erne/ has be5 up all ! previ\s night2 !re seems a fatality ab\t x4 ,*apt] #ae ,,xv4 ,,octob] #d ,,home aga91 & ) my de> ,erne/ delight$ to see me4 ,baby is a ye> old to-day1 &1 z usual1 fa!r1 :o seems to abhor any?+ l a m]ry-mak+1 took himself (f to 8 room4 ,to-morr[ he w be all ! worse = x1 & w be sure to h a !ological battle ) somebody4 ,,octob] #e4-,! somebody 0 8 daught] ,ka!r9e1 z usual4 ,baby 0 asleep 9 my lap & ,i rea*$ out = a book :i* prov$ to be a volume ( ,%akespe>e :i* _h done long s]vice z an ornam5t to ! table1 b :i* nobody ev] read on acc\nt ( ! small pr9t4 ,! battle !n began ?us3 ,fa!r4-,i regret to see t worldly au?or 9 y\r h&s1 my daught]4 ,daught]-a little mis*iev\sly4-,:y1 7 y want+ to talk1 fa!r8 ,no1 ,i am too feeble to talk to-day4 ,my pulse is v weak4 ,let me read al\d to y1 !n4 ,n f t pr(ane book4 ,x w\ld d y good4 ,y nev] take any recreation4 ,d let me read a little4 ,fa!r gets n]v\s4 ,recreation is a sn>e4 ,i mu/ keep my s\l ev] fix$ on div9e ?+s4 ,b c y8 ,no1 alas1 no4 ,x is my grief & %ame t ,i d n4 ,b if y w\ld indulge y\rself 9 a little h>mless mir? n[ & !n1 y\r m9d w\ld get re/$ & y w\ld return to div9e ?+s ) fre% zeal4 ,:y %\ld n ! m9d h its seasons ( re/ z well z ! body8 ,we %all h "t to re/ 9 heav54 ,our bus9ess "h on e>? is to be sob] & vigilant because ( our adv]s>y2 n to be read+ plays4 ,i don't make read+ plays my bus9ess1 de> fa!r4 ,i make x my re/ & amusem5t4 ,*ri/ians d n ne$ amusem5t2 !y f9d re/1 refre%m5t1 all !y want1 9 ,god4 ,d y1 fa!r8 ,alas1 no4 ,he seems a great way (f4 ,to me ,he seems v ne>4 ,s ne> t ,he c see e ?\ght ( my he>t4 ,de> fa!r1 x is y\r disease t makes ev]y?+ s unreal to y4 ,god is really s ne>1 really loves u s2 is s sorry = u6 ,& x seems h>d1 :5 y are s good1 & s int5t on pleas+ ,him1 t y get no com=t out ( ,him4 ,i am n good1 my daught] ,i am a vile worm ( ! du/4 ,well1 ,god is good1 at any rate1 & ,he w\ld nev] h s5t ,8 ,son to die = y if ,he did n love y4 ,s !n ,i began to s+4 ,fa!r likes to he> me s+1 & ! sweet s5se ,i _h t all ,i _h be5 say+ 0 true & m ?an true1 made me s+ ) joyful he>t4 ,i hope x is n a m]e mis]able presumption t makes me d>e to talk s to poor fa!r4 ,( c\rse1 he is t5 times bett] ?an ,i am1 & kn[s t5 times z mu*1 b 8 disease1 :atev] x is1 keeps 8 m9d befogg$4 ,i mean to beg9 n[ to pray t light may %9e into 8 s\l4 ,x w\ld be delightful to see ! peace ( ,god %9+ 9 t pale1 /]n face4 ,,m>* #bh4-;,x is almo/ six mon?s s9ce ,i wrote t4 ,ab\t ! middle ( ,octob] fa!r _h "o ( 8 ill turns "o night1 & we 7 all call$ up4 ,he ask$ = me p>ticul>ly1 & ,erne/ came = me at la/4 ,he 0 a good deal agitat$1 & w\ld n /op to half dress myself1 & z ,i _h a slight cold already1 ,i suppose ,i add$ to x !n4 ,at any rate ,i 0 tak5 v sick1 & ! wor/ c\gh ev] _h has rack$ my poor frame almo/ to pieces4 ,ne>ly six mon?s conf9em5t to my room2 six mon?s ( uselessness dur+ :i* ,i h be5 a m]e cumb]] ( ! gr\nd4 ,poor ,erne/6 ,:at a h>d "t he has _h6 ,in/ead ( ! *e]ful welcome home ,i 0 to give him :5ev] he ent]$ ! h\se1 "h ,i h la9 exhau/$1 woe-begone & good = no?+4 ,x is ! bitt]e/ disappo9tm5t ,i ev] _h4 ,my ambition is to be ! sweete/1 brighte/1 be/ ( wives2 & :at ) my *ildi% follies1 & my sickness1 :at a we>y life my de> husb& has _h6 ,b h[ (t5 ,i h pray$ t ,god w\ld d ,8 w 9 defiance1 if ne$ be1 ( m9e6 ,i h tri$ to rem9d myself ( t e day4 ,b ,i am too tir$ to write any m n[4 ,,m>* #cj4-,?is exp]i5ce ( suff]+ has fill$ my m9d ) new ?\ghts4 ,at "o "t ,i 0 s sick t ,erne/ s5t = "m4 ,poor "m1 %e _h to sleep ) ,m>?a4 ,x 0 a great com=t to h h] "h1 b ,i knew by h] com+ h[ sick ,i 01 & !n ,i began to pond] ! "q :e!r ,i 0 ready to die4 ,dea? look$ to me z a mo/ solemn1 mom5t\s ev5t-b !re 0 some?+ v pleasant 9 ! ?\ght ( be+ no long] a s9n]1 b a r$eem$ sa9t1 & ( dwell+ =ev] 9 ,*ri/'s pres5ce4 ,fa!r came to see me :5 ,i _h j rea*$ ?is po9t4 ,my de> daught]1 he ask$1 are y prep>$ to face ! ,judge ( all ! e>?8 ,no1 de> fa!r1 ,i said1 ,*ri/ w d t = me4 ,h y no misgiv+s8 ,i c\ld only smile2 ,i _h no /r5g? to talk4 ,!n ,i he>d ,erne/--my de>1 calm1 self-controll$ ,erne/--bur/ out cry+ & ru% out ( ! room4 ,i look$ aft] him1 & h[ ,i lov$ him6 ,b ,i felt t ,i lov$ my ,savi\r inf9itely m1 & t if ,he n[ let me come home to be ) ,him ,i c\ld tru/ ,him to be a ?\s&-fold m to ,erne/ ?an ,i c\ld ev] be1 & to take c>e ( my d>l+ baby & my preci\s "m f> bett] ?an ,i c\ld4 ,! v gates ( heav5 seem$ op5 to let me 94 ,& !n !y 7 sudd5ly %ut 9 my face1 & ,i f\nd myself a poor1 weak1 tempt$ creature "h ^u e>?4 ,i1 :o fanci$ myself an heir ( glory1 0 no?+ b a peevi%1 human creature-v human inde$1 ov]come if ,m>?a %ook ! b$1 z %e always did1 irritat$ if my food did n come at ! "r mom5t1 or 0 n ( ! "r sort1 hurt & (f5d$ if ,erne/ put on at "o less anxi\s & t5d] ?an he _h us$ :5 ,i 0 v ill1 &-9 %ort1 my own poor faulty self once m4 ,oh1 :at fe>ful battles ,i f\ght = pati5ce1 =be>ance & unselfi%ness6 ,:at sorr[ful te>s ( %ame ,i %$ ov] ha/y1 impati5t words & fretful tones6 ,no wond] ,i long$ to be gone :]e weakness %\ld be swall[$ up 9 /r5g?1 & s9 give place to et]nal p]fection6 ,b "h ,i am1 & suff]+ & "w lie be=e me1 = :i* ,i feel little physical or m5tal c\rage4 ,b bless$ be ! w ( ,god4 ,,april #e4-;,i 0 alone ) fa!r la/ ev5+1 ,erne/ & ,m>?a bo? be+ out1 & soon saw by ! way he fidget$ 9 8 *air t he _h some?+ on 8 m9d4 ,s ,i laid d[n ! book ,i 0 read+1 & ask$ him :at x 04 ,my daught]1 he began1 c y be> a pla9 ^w f an old man8 ,i felt fright5$1 = ,i knew ,i _h be5 impati5t to ,m>?a ( late1 9 spite ( all my ef=ts to ! contr>y4 ,i am /ill s mis]ably unwell4 ,i h se5 _m dea?-b$s1 he w5t on2 b ,i nev] saw "o :]e !re 0 n "s dread ( ! ,k+ ( ,t]rors exhibit$2 nor "o :]e !re 0 su* absolute c]ta9ty ( hav+ f\nd favor ) ,god to make ! h\r ( dep>ture entirely free f su* d\bts & su* humility z becomes a guilty s9n] ab\t to face 8 ,judge4 ,i nev] saw su* a "o1 ei!r1 ,i repli$2 b ere h be5 _m su* dea?s1 & ,i h>dly "k ( any sc5e t s honors & magnifies ! ,"l4 ,yes1 he said1 sl[ly2 b !y 7 old1 mature1 rip5$ ,*ri/ians4 ,n always old1 de> fa!r4 ,let me describe to y a sc5e ,erne/ describ$ to me only ye/]day4 ,he wav$ 8 h& 9 tok5 t ?is w\ld delay 8 com+ to ! po9t he 0 aim+ at4 ,to speak pla9ly1 he said1 ,i feel uneasy ab\t y1 my daught]4 ,y are "y & 9 ! bloom ( life1 b :5 dea? seem$ />+ y 9 ! face1 y express$ no anxiety1 ask$ = no c\nsel1 %[$ no al>m4 ,x mu/ be pleasant to possess s com=table a p]suasion ( our acceptance ) ,god2 b is x safe to re/ on su* an assurance :ile we "k t ! human he>t is deceitful above all ?+s & desp]ately wick$8 ,i ?ank y = ! sugge/ion2 ,i said2 &1 de> fa!r1 d n be afraid to speak /ill m pla9ly4 ,y live 9 ! h\se ) me1 see all my %ortcom+s & my faults1 & ,i _c wond] t y ?9k me a poor1 weak ,*ri/ian4 ,b d y really fe> t ,i am deceiv$ 9 believ+ t not)/&+ ?is ,i d really love my ,god & ,savi\r & am ,8 ,*ild8 ,no1 he said1 hesitat+ a little1 ,i c't say t1 exactly--,i c't say t4 ,?is hesitation di/ress$ me4 ,at fir/ x seem$ to me t my life mu/ h utt]$ a v unc]ta9 s\nd if ^? :o saw x c\ld misund]/& its language4 ,b !n ,i reflect$ t x 01 at be/1 a v faulty life1 & t its spr+s ( action 7 n necess>ily se5 by look]s-on4 ,fa!r saw my di/ress & p]plexity1 & seem$ t\*$ by !m4 ,j !n ,erne/ came 9 ) ,m>?a1 b see+ t some?+ 0 amiss1 ! latt] took h]self (f to h] room1 :i* ,i ?\ght really k9d ( h]4 ,:at is x1 fa!r8 ,:at is x1 ,katy8 ask$ ,erne/2 look+ f "o tr\bl$ face to ! o!r4 ,i tri$ to expla94 ,i ?9k1 fa!r1 y may safely tru/ my wife's spiritual int]e/s to me1 ,erne/ said1 ) w>m?4 ,y d n und]/& h]4 ,i d4 ,because !re is no?+ morbid ab\t h]1 because %e has a sweet1 *e]ful confid5ce 9 ,*ri/2 y d\bt & misjudge h]4 ,y may dep5d ^u x t p are individual 9 _! piety z 9 o!r ?+s1 & _c all be run 9 "o m\ld4 ,katy has a playful way ( speak+1 ,i "k1 & (t5 expresses h] /ronge/ feel+s ) :at seems l levity1 & is1 p]haps1 a little reckless ab\t be+ misund]/ood 9 consequ5ce4 ,he smil$ on me1 z he ?us took up ! cudgels 9 my def5ce1 & ,i nev] felt s grateful to him 9 my life4 ,! tru? is1 ,i hate s5tim5talism s cordially1 & h besides su* an in/9ct to conceal my deepe/1 mo/ sacr$ emotions1 t ,i d n wond] p misund]/& & misjudge me4 ,i did n ref] to h] playfulness1 fa!r return$4 ,old p mu/ make all[ances = ! "y2 !y mu/ make all[ances4 ,:at pa9s me is t ?is *ild1 full ( life & gayety z %e is1 sees dea? approa* )\t t becom+ awe & t]ror :i* befits mortal man4 ,erne/ 0 go+ to reply1 b ,i broke 9 eag]ly ^u 8 answ]3 ,x is true t ,i express$ no anxiety :5 ,i believ$ dea? to be at h&4 ,i felt none4 ,i _h giv5 myself away to ,*ri/1 & ,he _h receiv$ me & :y %\ld ,i be afraid to take ,8 h& & g :]e ,he l$ me8 ,& x is true t ,i ask$ = no c\nsel4 ,i 0 too weak to ask que/ions or to l to h que/ions ask$2 b my m9d 0 bright & wide awake :ile my body 0 s feeble1 & ,i took c\nsel ( ,god4 ,oh1 let me read to y two passages f ! life ( ,c>ol9e ,fry :i* w make y und]/& h[ a poor s9n] looks ^u dea?4 ,! fir/ is an extract f a lett] writt5 aft] le>n+ t h] days on e>? 7 numb]$4 ,z _m w he> & w n und]/&1 :y ,i want no "t (1 prep>ation1 (t5 desir$ by f> holi] ones ?an ,i1 ,i tell y :y1 & %all tell o!rs1 & s %all y4 ,x is n because ,i am s holy b because ,i am s s9ful4 ,! peculi> "* ( my religi\s exp]i5ce has always be5 a deep1 an agoniz+ s5se ( s92 ! s9 ( ye/]day1 ( to-day1 confess$ ) angui% h>d to be endur$1 & cri$ = p>don t c\ld n be unhe>d2 ea* day cleans$ anew 9 ,jesus' blood1 & ea* day m & m hateful 9 my own sight2 :at c ,i d 9 dea? ,i h n done 9 life8 ,:at1 d 9 ?is week1 :5 ,i am told ,i _c live1 o!r ?an ,i did la/ week1 :5 knew x n8 ,alas1 !re is b "o ?+ undone1 to s]ve ,him bett]2 & ! dea?-b$ is no place = t4 ,!re=e ,i say1 if ,i am n ready n[1 ,i %all n be by delay1 s f> z ,i h to d ) x4 ,if ,he has m to d 9 me t is ,8 "p4 ,i ne$ n ask ,him n to spoil ,8 "w by too mu* ha/e4 ,& ^! 7 h] dy+ words1 a few days lat]3 ,?is is my bridal-day1 ! beg9n+ ( my life4 ,i wi% !re %\ld be no mi/ake ab\t ! reason ( my desire to dep>t & to be ) ,*ri/4 ,i confess myself ! vile/1 *iefe/ ( s9n]s1 & ,i desire to g to ,him t ,i may be rid ( ! burd5 ( s9-! s9 ( my nature-n ! pa/1 rep5t$ ( e day1 b ! pres5t1 h\rly1 mom5t>y s91 :i* ,i d commit1 or may commit-! s5se ( :i* at times drives me half mad ) grief6 ,i %all nev] =get ! expression ( fa!r's face1 z ,i f9i%$ read+ ^! rem>kable words4 ,he rose sl[ly f 8 seat1 & came & kiss$ me on ! =ehead4 ,!n he left ! room1 b return$ ) a l>ge volume1 & po9t+ to a blank page1 reque/$ me to copy !m !re4 ,he com pla9s t ,i d n write legibly1 s ,i pr9t$ !m z pla9ly z ,i c\ld1 ) my p54 ,,june #bj4-,on ! fir/ ( ,may1 !re came to u1 ) o!r spr+ fl[]s1 our little fair-hair$1 blue-ey$ daught]4 ,h[ ri* ,i felt :5 ,i he>d ,erne/'s voice1 z he repli$ to a "q ask$ at ! door1 proclaim1 ,"m & *ildr5 all well4 ,to ?9k t we1 :o ?\ght ourselves ri* be=e are made s mu* ri*] n[6 ,b %e is n l>ge & vigor\s1 z little ,erne/ 01 & we _c rejoice 9 h] )\t "s misgiv+4 ,yet h] v frailty makes h] preci\s to u4 ,little ,erne/ hangs ov] h] ) an almo/ lov]-l pride & devotion1 & %\ld %e live ,i c imag9e :at a protector he w be = h]4 ,i h _h to give up ! c>e ( him to ,m>?a4 ,dur+ my illness ,i d n "k :at w\ld h become ( him b = h]4 ,"o ( ! pleasant ev5ts ( e day at t "t1 0 h] br++ him to me 9 su* exquisite ord]1 8 face %9+ ) heal? & happ9ess1 8 hair & dress s beautifully neat & clean4 ,n[ t %e has ! c>e ( him1 %e has become v fond ( him1 & he c]ta9ly =ms "o bond ( union betwe5 u1 = we bo? agree t he is ! h&some/1 be/1 mo/ rem>kable *ild t ev] liv$1 or ev] w live4 ,,july #f4-;,i h come home to de> "m ) bo? my *ildr54 ,erne/ says our only hope = baby is to keep h] out ( ! city dur+ ! summ] mon?s4 ,:at a petite wee maid5 %e is6 ,:]e does all ! love come f8 ,if ,i _h _h h] always ,i d n see h[ ,i c\ld be m fond ( h]4 ,& d p call x liv+ :o nev] _h any *ildr58 ,,july #aj4-;,if ?is d>l+ baby lives1 ,i %all always believe x is ow+ to my "m's pray]s4 ,i f9d little ,erne/ has a passionate temp]1 & a good deal ( self-w4 ,b he has f9e qualities4 ,i wi% he _h a bett] "m4 ,i am s impati5t ) him :5 he is wayw>d & p]v]se6 ,:at he ne$s is a firm1 g5tle h&1 mov$ by no caprice1 & controll$ by ! con/ant fe> ( ,god4 ,he nev] ought to he> an irritable ^w1 or a %>p tone2 b he does he> !m1 ,i mu/ own ) grief & %ame4 ,! tru? is1 x is s long s9ce ,i really felt /rong & well t ,i am n myself1 & c n d him ju/ice1 poor *ild4 ,next to be+ a p]fect wife ,i want to be a p]fect "m4 ,h[ mortify+1 h[ dreadful 9 all ?+s to come %ort ( ev5 "o's own /&>d4 ,:at approa*1 !n1 does "o make to ,god's /&>d8 ,"m seems v happy to h u "h1 ?\gh we make s mu* tr\ble4 ,%e enc\rages me 9 all my attempts to control myself & to control my de> little boy1 & ! *apt]s %e gives me out ( h] own exp]i5ce are z int]e/+ z a novel1 & a good deal m in/ructive4 ,,augu/4-,de> ,erne/ has come to sp5d a week ) u4 ,he is all tir$ out1 z !re has be5 a great deal ( sickness 9 ! city1 & fa!r has _h q a s]i\s attack4 ,he br\ght ) him a nurse = baby1 z "o m desp]ate ef=t to /r5g!n h] con/itution4 ,i reproa*$ him = do+ x )\t consult+ me1 b he said "m bad writt5 to tell him t ,i 0 all worn out & n 9 a /ate to h ! c>e ( ! *ildr54 ,x has be5 a t]rible bl[ to me4 ,"o by "o ,i am giv+ up ! sweete/ mat]nal duties4 ,god means t ,i %all be no?+ & d no?+2 a m]e useless suff]]4 ,b :5 ,i tell ,erne/ s1 he says ,i am ev]y?+ to him1 & t ,god's *ildr5 please him j z well :5 !y sit pati5tly ) fold$ h&s1 if t is ,8 w1 z :5 !y are h>d at "w4 ,b to be at "w1 to be useful1 to be necess>y to my husb& & *ildr51 is j :at ,i want1 & ,i d f9d x h>d to be set aga9/ ! wall1 z x 71 l an old piece ( furniture no long] ( any s]vice ,i see n[ t my fir/ desire has n be5 to please ,god1 b to please myself1 = ,i am re/less "u ,8 re/ra9+ h&1 & f9d my prison a v n>r[ "o4 ,i w\ld be will+ to be> any o!r trial1 if ,i c\ld only h heal? & /r5g? = my belov$ ones4 ,i pray = pati5ce ) bitt] te>s4 ,*apt] #af ,,xvi4 ,,octob]4 ,,we are all at home toge!r once m4 ,! p>t+ ) "m 0 v pa9ful4 ,e ye> t %e lives n[ increases h] lonel9ess1 & makes me long to give h] ! %elt] ( my home4 ,b 9 ! mid/ ( ^! anxieties1 h[ mu* ,i h to make me happy6 ,little ,erne/ is ! life & s\l ( ! h\se2 ! s\nd ( 8 feet patt]+ ab\t1 & all 8 prattle1 are ! sweete/ music to my e>2 & 8 he>t is brimful ( love & joy1 s t he %9es on u all l a sunbeam4 ,baby is improv+ e day1 & is "o ( ^? t5d]1 cl++ little ?+s t appeal to ev]ybody's love & sympa?y4 ,i nev] saw a m angelic face ?an h]s4 ,fa!r sits by ! h\r look+ at h]4 ,to-day he said3 ,daught] ,ka!r9e1 ?is lovely little "o is n meant = ?is s9ful _w4 ,?is _w ne$s to be adorn$ ) lovely little ones1 ,i said4 ,& baby 0 nev] s well z %e is n[4 ,d n set y\r he>t too fondly ^u h]1 he return$4 ,i feel t %e is f> too de> to me4 ,b1 fa!r1 we c\ld give h] to ,god if ,he %\ld ask = h] ,surely1 we love ,him bett] ?an we love h]4 ,b z ,i spoke a %>p pang %ot ?r\gh & ?r\gh my s\l1 & ,i held my little fair daught] closely 9 my arms1 z if ,i c\ld always keep h] !re4 ,x may be my conceit1 b x really does seem z if poor fa!r 0 gett+ a little fond ( me4 ,ev] s9ce my own sickness ,i h felt great sympa?y = him1 & he feels1 no d\bt1 t ,i give him some?+ t nei!r ,erne/ nor ,m>?a c d1 s9ce !y 7 nev] sick "o day 9 _! lives4 ,i d wi% he c\ld look m at ,*ri/ & at :at ,he has done & is do+ = u4 ,! way ( salvation is to me a wide pa?1 absolutely radiant ) ! glory ( ,him :o %9es ^u x2 ,i see my %ortcom+s2 ,i see my s9s1 b ,i feel myself ba!d1 z x 71 9 ! effulg5t gl[ t proce$s directly f ! ?rone ( ,god & ! ,lamb4 ,x seems z if ,i ought to h "s misgiv+s ab\t my salvation1 b ,i c h>dly say t ,i h "o4 ,h[ /range1 h[ my/]i\s t is6 ,& "h is fa!r1 s mu* old]1 s mu* bett] ?an ,i am1 creep+ along 9 ! d>k6 ,i spoke to ,erne/ ab\t x4 ,he says ,i owe x to my tra9+1 9 a great measure1 & t my "m is fifty ye>s 9 advance ( h] age4 ,b x c't be all t4 ,x 0 only aft] ye>s ( /ruggle & pray] t ,god gave me ?is joy4 ,,novemb] #bd4-;,erne/ ask$ me ye/]day if ,i knew t ,amelia & h] husb& _h come "h to live1 & t %e 0 v ill4 ,i wi% y w\ld g to see h]1 de>1 he add$4 ,%e is a /rang] "h1 & 9 great ne$ ( a fri5d4 ,i felt extremely di/urb$4 ,i h lo/ my old affection = h]1 & ! idea ( meet+ h] husb& 0 unpleasant4 ,is %e v sick8 ,i ask$4 ,yes4 ,%e is completely brok5 d[n4 ,i promis$ h] t y %\ld g to see h]4 ,are y att5d+ h]8 ,yes2 h] husb& came = me himself4 ,i don't want to g1 ,i said4 ,x w be v disagreeable4 ,yes1 de>1 ,i "k x4 ,b %e ne$s a fri5d1 z ,i said be=e4 ,i put on my ?+s v reluctantly1 & w5t4 ,i f\nd ,amelia 9 a ri*ly-furni%$ h\se1 b look+ untidy & ill-c>$-=4 ,%e 0 ly+ on a c\* 9 h] b$room2 ?ree delicate-look+ *ildr5 7 play+ ab\t1 & _! nurse sat sew+ at ! w9d[4 ,a t]rible fit ( c\gh+ made x impossible = h] to speak = "s mom5ts4 ,at la/ %e recov]$ h]self suffici5tly to welcome me1 by ?r[+ h] arms ar\nd me & bur/+ into te>s4 ,oh1 ,katy6 %e cri$1 %\ld y h kn[n me if we _h met 9 ! /reet8 ,don't y f9d me sadly alt]$8 ,y are *ang$1 ,i said1 b s am ,i4 ,yes1 y d n look /rong4 ,b !n y nev] did4 ,& y are z pretty z ev]1 :ile ,i--oh1 ,kate6 d y rememb] :at r\nd1 :ite arms ,i us$ to h8 ,look at !m n[6 ,& %e drew up h] sleeve1 poor *ild4 ,j !n ,i he>d a /ep 9 ! passage1 & h] husb& saunt]$ into ! room1 smok+4 ,d g away1 ,*>les1 %e said impati5tly4 ,y "k h[ y\r cig> sets me c\gh+4 ,he held out 8 h& to me ) ! easy1 non*alant air ( "o :o is accu/om$ to success & popul>ity4 ,i look$ at him ) an av]sion ,i c\ld n conceal4 ,! few ye>s s9ce we met has *ang$ him s completely t ,i almo/ %udd]$ at ! sight ( 8 already bloat$ face1 & at ! air t told ( a life worse ?an wa/$4 ,d g away1 ,*>les1 ,amelia repeat$4 ,he ?rew himself into a *air )\t pay+ ! lea/ att5tion to h]1 & /ill address+ himself to me aga91 said3 ,^u my ^w1 y are pretti] ?an ev]1 &-- ,i w come to see y at ano!r "t1 ,amelia1 ,i said1 putt+ on all ! dignity ,i c\ld cond5se 9 my small frame1 & ris+ to take leave4 ,don't g1 ,katy6 he cri$1 />t+ up1 don't g4 ,i want to h a good talk ab\t old times4 ,katy1 inde$6 ,h[ d>$ he8 ,i came away burn+ ) ang] & mortification4 ,is x possible t ,i ev] lov$ su* a man8 ,t to gratify t love ,i defi$ & griev$ my de> "m ?r\gh a :ole ye>6 ,oh1 f :at hopeless mis]y ,god sav$ me1 :5 ,he snat*$ me out ( ! dep? ( my folly6 ,,decemb] #a4-;,erne/ says ,i c g to see ,amelia ) safety n[1 z h] husb& has spra9$ 8 ankle1 & keeps to 8 own room4 ,s ,i am go+4 ,b1 ,i am sure1 ,i %all say some?+ imprud5t or unwise1 & wi% ,i c\ld ?9k x "r to /ay away4 ,i hope ,god w g ) me & tea* me :at words to speak4 ,,dec4 #b4-;,i f\nd ,amelia m unwell ?an on my fir/ visit1 & %e receiv$ me aga9 ) te>s4 ,h[ good y are to come s soon1 %e began4 ,i did n blame y = runn+ (f ! o!r day2 ,*>ley's imp]t95ce 0 %ameful4 ,he said1 aft] y left1 t he p]ceiv$ y _h n yet lo/ y\r quickness to take (f5ce1 b ,i "k he felt t y %[$ a j displeasure1 & no?+ m4 ,no1 ,i 0 really angry1 ,i repli$4 ,i f9d ! road to p]fection lies up-hill1 & ,i slip back s (t5 t sometimes ,i despair ( ev] rea*+ ! top4 ,:at does ! doctor say ab\t me8 %e ask$4 ,does he ?9k me v sick8 ,i d>e say he w tell y exactly :at he ?9ks1 ,i return$1 if y ask him4 ,?is is 8 rule ) all 8 pati5ts4 ,if ,i c\ld get rid ( ?is c\gh ,i %\ld soon be myself aga91 %e said4 ,"s days ,i feel q bright & well4 ,b if x 7 n = my poor little *ildr51 ,i %\ld n c>e mu* h[ ! ?+ end$4 ,) ! life ,*>ley leads me1 ,i hav5't mu* to look =w>d to4 ,y =get t ! *ildr5's nurse is 9 ! room1 ,i :isp]$4 ,oh1 ,i don't m9d ,*>lotte4 ,*>lotte kn[s he neglects me1 don't y1 ,*>lotte8 ,*>lotte 0 discreet en\gh to pret5d n to he> ?is "q1 & ,amelia w5t on3 ,x began v soon aft] we 7 m>ri$4 ,he w\ld g r\nd ) o!r girls exactly z he did be=e2 !n :5 ,i spoke ab\t x he w\ld j laugh 9 8 easy1 good-natur$ way1 b pay no att5tion to my wi%es4 ,!n :5 ,i grew m 9 e>ne/ he w\ld say1 t z long z he let me alone ,i ought to let him alone4 ,i ?\ght t :5 our fir/ baby came t w\ld sob] him a little1 b he want$ a boy & x turn$ out to be a girl4 ,& my be+ unhappy & cry+ s mu*1 made ! poor ?+ fretful2 x kept him awake at night1 s he took ano!r room4 ,aft] t ,i saw him less ?an ev]1 ?\gh n[ & !n he w\ld h a little love-fit1 :5 he w\ld promise to be at home m & treat me ) m consid]ation4 ,we _h two m little girls-tw9s2 & !n a boy4 ,*>ley seem$ q fond ( him1 & did c]ta9ly seem improv$1 ?\gh he 0 /ill out a great deal ) a set ( idle "y m51 smok+1 dr9k+ w9e1 &1 ,i don't "k :at else4 ,8 uncle gave him too mu* money1 & he _h no?+ to d b to sp5d x4 ,y mu/ n tell me any m n[1 ,i said4 ,wait till y are /rong]4 ,! nurse rose & gave h] some?+ :i* seem$ to refre% h]4 ,i w5t to look at ! little girls1 :o 7 all pretty1 pale-fac$ creatures1 v quiet & mature 9 _! ways4 ,i am re/$ n[1 said ,amelia1 & x does me good to talk to y1 because ,i c see t y are sorry = me4 ,i am1 inde$6 ,i cri$4 ,:5 our little boy 0 ?ree mon?s old ,i took ?is t]rible cold & began to c\gh4 ,*>ley at fir/ remon/rat$ ) me = c\gh+ s mu*2 he said x 0 a habit ,i _h got1 & t ,i ought to cure myself ( x4 ,!n ! baby began to p9e & p9e1 & ! m x wa/$ ! m ,i wa/$4 ,& at la/ x di$4 ,"h ! poor *ild bur/ out aga91 & ,i wip$ away h] te>s z fa/ z !y fell1 ?ankful t %e c\ld cry4 ,aft] t1 %e w5t on1 aft] a:ile1 ,*>ley seem$ to lose 8 la/ p>ticle ( affection = me2 he kept away m ?an ev]1 & once :5 ,i bes\ght him n to neglect me & my *ildr5 s1 he said he 0 well paid = n keep+ up 8 engagem5t ) y1 t y _h "s /r5g? ( "*1 &- ,amelia1 ,i int]rupt$1 d n repeat su* ?+s4 ,!y only pa9 & mortify me4 ,well1 %e sigh$1 we>ily1 ?is is :at he has at la/ br\ght me to4 ,i am sick & brok5-he>t$1 & c>e v little :at becomes ( me4 ,!re 0 a long sil5ce4 ,i want$ to ask h] if1 :5 e>?ly refuge fail$ h]1 %e c\ld n f9d %elt] 9 ! love ( ,*ri/4 ,b ,i h :at is1 ,i fe>1 a morbid t]ror ( seek+ ! confid5ce ( o!rs4 ,i knelt d[n at la/1 & kiss$ ! poor fad$ face4 ,yes1 ,i knew y w\ld feel = me1 %e said4 ,! only pleasant ?\ght ,i _h :5 ,*>ley insi/$ on com+ "h to live 01 t ,i %\ld see y4 ,does y\r uncle live "h1 too8 ,i ask$4 ,yes1 he came fir/1 & x 0 t t put x into ,*>ley's head to come4 ,he is v k9d to me4 ,yes1 ,i said1 & ,god is k9d1 too1 isn't ,he8 ,k9d to let me get sick & disgu/ ,*>ley8 ,n[1 ,katy1 h[ c y talk s8 ,i repli$ by repeat+ two l9es f a hymn ( :i* ,i am v fond3 ',o ,savi\r1 ^: m]cy sev]e 9 its k9dness1 ,ha? *a/5$ my w&]+s1 & guid$ my way4' ,i don't mu* c>e = hymns1 %e said4 ,:5 "o is well1 & ev]y?+ goes q to "o's m9d1 x is nice to g to *ur* & s+ ) ! re/ ( !m4 ,b1 sick z ,i am1 x isn't s easy to be religi\s4 ,b isn't ?is ! v "t to look to ,*ri/ = com=t8 ,:at's ! use ( look+ any:]e = com=t8 %e said1 peevi%ly4 ,wait till y are sick & he>t-brok5 y\rself1 & y'll see t y won't feel mu* l do+ any?+ b j groan & cry y\r life out4 ,i h be5 sick1 & ,i "k :at sorr[ means1 ,i said4 ,& ,i am glad t ,i d4 ,= ,i h le>n$ ,*ri/ 9 t s*ool1 & ,i "k t ,he c com=t :5 no "o else c4 ,y always 7 an odd creature1 %e repli$4 ,i nev] pret5d$ to und]/& half y said4 ,i saw t %e 0 tir$1 & came away4 ,oh1 h[ ,i wi%$ t ,i _h be5 able to make ,*ri/ look to h] z ,he did to me all ! way home4 ,,dec4 #bd4-;,fa!r says he does n l ,dr4 ,cabot's prea*+4 ,he ?9ks t x is n doctr9al en\gh1 & t he does n prea* en\gh to s9n]s4 ,b ,i c see t x has influ5c$ him already1 & t he is beg9n+ to ?9k ( ,god1 z manife/$ 9 ,*ri/1 f> m ?an he us$ to d4 ,) me he has endless discussions on 8 & my favorite subjects1 & ?\gh ,i c nev] tell along :at pa? ,i walk$ to rea* a c]ta9 conclusion1 ! e>ne/ness ( my convictions does impress him /rangely4 ,i am sure !re is a great deal ( conceit mix$ up ) all ,i say1 & !n :5 ,i comp>e my life ) my own /&>d ( duty1 ,i wond] ,i ev] d>e to op5 my m\? & und]take to help o!rs4 ,baby is n at all well4 ,to see a little frail1 t5d] ?+ really suff]+1 te>s my s\l to pieces4 ,i ?9k x w\ld di/ress me less to give h] to ,god j z %e is n[1 a vital "p ( my v he>t1 ?an to see h] live a m]e invalid life4 ,b ,i try to feel1 z ,i "k ,i say1 ,?y w be done6 ,little ,erne/ is ! v picture ( heal? & beauty4 ,he has vitality en\gh = two *ildr54 ,he & 8 little si/] w make v int]e/+ contra/s z !y gr[ old]4 ,8 ardor & vivacity w r\se h]1 & h] g5tl5ess w s(t5 him4 ,,jan4 #a1 #ahda4-;,e day br+s its own duty & its own discipl9e4 ,h[ is x t ,i make su* sl[ progress :ile ?is is ! case8 ,x is a m>vel to me :y ,god all[s *>act]s l m9e to defile ,8 *ur*4 ,i c only acc\nt = x ) ! ?\ght t if ,i ev] am p]fect$1 ,i %all be a great honor to ,8 "n1 = surely worse mat]ial = build+ up a temple ( ! ,holy ,gho/ 0 nev] ga!r$ toge!r be=e4 ,! "t may come :5 ^? :o "k me n[1 crude1 *ildi%1 incomplete1 w look ^u me ) amazem5t1 say+1 ,:at ha? ,god wr\ght6 ,if ,i knew su* a "t w\ld nev] come1 ,i %\ld want to flee into ! holes & caves ( ! e>?4 ,i h ev]y?+ to inspire me to devotion4 ,my de> "m's influ5ce is always ^u me4 ,to h] ,i owe ! habit ( fly+ to ,god 9 e em]g5cy1 & ( believ+ 9 pray]4 ,!n ,i am 9 close fell[%ip ) a true man & a true ,*ri/ian4 ,erne/ has none ( my fluctuations2 he is always calm & self-possess$4 ,?is is p>tly 8 natural "*2 b he has /udi$ ! ,bible m ?an any o!r book1 8 convictions ( duty are fix$ because !y are drawn !nce1 & 8 con/ant contact ) ! sick & ! suff]+ has reveal$ life to him j z x is4 ,h[ he has help$ me on6 ,god bless him = x6 ,!n ,i h ,james4 ,to be ) him "o half h\r is an inspiration4 ,he lives 9 su* bless$ communion ) ,*ri/ t he is 9 p]petual sun%9e1 & 8 happ9ess f]tilizes ev5 ?is disord]$ h\sehold2 !re is n a s\l 9 x t does n cat* some:at ( 8 joy\sness4 ,& !re are my *ildr56 ,my d>l+1 preci\s *ildr56 ,= _! sakes ,i am cont9ually con/ra9$ to seek aft] an am5d$1 a sanctifi$ life2 :at ,i want !m to become ,i mu/ become myself4 ,s ,i ent] on a new ye>1 n kn[+ :at x w br+ =?1 b surely ) a ?\s& reasons = ?anksgiv+1 = joy1 & = hope4 ,,jan4 #af4-,"o m desp]ate ef=t to make h>mony out ( ! discords ( my h\se1 & "o m failure4 ,erne/ =got t x 0 our w$d+-day1 :i* mortifi$ & pa9$ me1 especially z he _h made an engagem5t to d9e out4 ,i am always expect+ some?+ f life t ,i nev] get4 ,is x s ) ev]ybody8 ,i am v uneasy1 too1 ab\t ,james4 ,he seems to be gr[+ fond ( ,lucy's society4 ,i am p]fectly sure t %e c\ld n make him happy4 ,is x possible t he does n "k :at a brilliant "y man he is1 & t he c h :om he pleases8 ,x is easy1 9 !ory1 to let ,god plan our own de/9y1 & t ( our fri5ds4 ,b :5 x comes to a specific case we fancy we c help ,8 judgm5ts ) our poor reason4 ,well1 ,i mu/ g to ,him ) ?is new anxiety1 & tru/ my d>l+ bro!r's future to ,him1 if ,i c4 ,i %all try to w9 ,james' confid5ce4 ,if x is n ,lucy1 :o or :at is x t is mak+ him s ?\ghtful & s]i\s1 yet s wondr\sly happy8 ,,jan4 #ag4-;,i h be5 try+ to f9d out :e!r ?is is a m]e notion ( m9e ab\t ,lucy4 ,james laughs1 & evades my que/ions4 ,b he owns t a v s]i\s matt] is occupy+ 8 ?\ghts1 ( :i* he does n wi% to speak at pres5t4 ,may ,god bless him 9 x1 :atev] x is4 ,,may #a4-,my delicate little ,una's fir/ bir?day4 ,?ank ,god = sp>+ h] to u a ye>4 ,if ,he %\ld take h] away ,i %\ld /ill rejoice t ?is life 0 m+l$ ) ours1 & has influ5c$ !m4 ,yes1 ev5 an unconsci\s infant is an ev]-felt influ5ce 9 ! h\sehold2 :at an amaz+ ?\ght6 ,i h giv5 ?is preci\s little "o away to h] ,savi\r & to m9e2 liv+ or dy+1 %e is ,84 ,,dec4 #ac4-,writ+ j\rnals does n seem to be my mission on e>? ( late4 ,my busy h&s f9d s mu* else to d4 ,& sometimes :5 ,i h be5 p>ticul>ly exasp]at$ & tri$ by ! j>r+ elem5ts t =m my home1 ,i h n d>$ to indulge myself ) record+ ?+s t ought to be =gott54 ,h[ ,i long to live 9 peace ) all m51 & h[ ,i res5t int]f]5ce 9 ! managem5t ( my *ildr56 ,if ! "t ev] comes t ,i live1 a sp9/] ( a c]ta9 age1 9 ! family ( an eld] bro!r1 :at a model ( =be>ance1 *>ity1 & si/]ly lov+-k9dness ,i %all be6 ,*apt] #ag ,,xvii4 ,,janu>y #a1 #ahdb ,i ,,mean to resume my j\rnal1 & be m fai?ful to x ?is ye>4 ,h[ _m preci\s ?+s1 said by de> ,mrs4 ,campbell & o!rs1 are lo/ =ev]1 because ,i did n record !m at ! "t6 ,i h se5 h] to-day4 ,at ,erne/'s sugge/ion ,i h let ,susan ,gre5 provide h] ) a com=table *air :i* enables h] to sit up dur+ a "p ( ea* day4 ,i f\nd h] 9 x1 full ( gratitude1 h] sweet1 tranquil face %9+1 z x always is1 ) a light reflect$ f heav5 itself4 ,%e looks l "o :o has _h h] /ruggle ) life & conqu]$ x4 ,dur+ la/ ye> ,i visit$ h] (t5 & gradually le>n$ mu* ( h] pa/ hi/ory1 ?\gh %e does n love to talk ( h]self4 ,%e has outliv$ h] husb&1 a h\seful ( girls & h] ill-heal? is *iefly ! result ( ye>s ( wat*+ by _! sick-b$s1 & grief at _! loss4 ,= %e does n pret5d n to grieve1 b always says1 ,x is rep9+ t di%onors ,god1 n grief4 ,i said to h] to-day3 ,doesn't x seem h>d :5 y ?9k ( ! _m happy homes !re are 9 ! _w1 t y %\ld be s+l$ out = su* b]eavem5t & lonel9ess8 ,%e repli$1 ) a smile3 ,i am n s+l$ out1 de>4 ,!re are ?\s&s ( ,god's own de> *ildr51 scatt]$ ov] ! _w1 suff]+ f> m ?an ,i d4 ,& ,i d n ?9k !re are _m p]sons 9 x :o are happi] ?an ,i am4 ,i 0 b\nd to my ,god & ,savi\r be=e ,i knew a sorr[1 x is true4 ,b x 0 by a *a9 ( _m l9ks2 & e l9k t dropp$ away1 br\ght me to ,him1 till at la/1 hav+ no?+ left1 ,i 0 %ut up to ,him1 & le>n$ fully1 :at ,i _h only le>n$ p>tially1 h[ s\l-satisfy+ ,he is4 ,y ?9k1 !n1 ,i said1 :ile my he>t di$ )9 me1 t husb& & *ildr5 are ob/acles 9 our way1 & h9d] our gett+ ne> to ,*ri/4 ,oh1 no6 %e cri$4 ,god nev] gives u h9drances4 ,on ! contr>y1 ,he means1 9 mak+ u wives & mo!rs1 to put u into ! v conditions ( holy liv+4 ,b if we abuse ,8 gifts by lett+ !m take ,8 place 9 our he>ts1 x is an act ( love on ,8 "p to take !m away1 or to de/roy our pleasure 9 !m4 ,x is delightful1 %e add$1 aft] a pause1 to "k t !re are "s g5]\s s\ls on e>?1 :o love _! de> ones ) all _! he>ts1 yet give ^? he>ts unres]v$ly to ,*ri/4 ,m9e 0 n "o ( !m4 ,i _h "s little s]vice to r5d] h] :i* int]rupt$ our conv]sation4 ,! (fices ,i h _h to h r5d]$ me 9 my own long days ( sickness h taught me to be less fa/idi\s ab\t wait+ ^u o!rs4 ,i am ?ankful t ,god has at la/ made me will+ to d any?+ 9 a sick-room t mu/ be done4 ,%e ?ank$ me1 z %e always does1 & !n ,i said3 ,i h a great _m little trials1 b !y don't d me a bit ( good4 ,or1 at lea/1 ,i don't see t !y d4 ,no1 we nev] see plants gr[+1 %e said4 ,& d y really ?9k !n1 t p]haps ,i am gr[+1 ?\gh unconsci\sly8 ,i "k y are1 de> *ild4 ,!re c't be life )\t gr[?4 ,?is com=t$ me4 ,i came home1 pray+ all ! way1 & /riv+ to commit myself entirely to ,him 9 ^: s*ool ,i sit z le>n]4 ,oh1 t ,i 7 a bett] s*ol>4 ,b ,i d n half le>n my lessons1 ,i am he$less & inatt5tive1 & ,i =get :at is taught4 ,p]haps ?is is ! reason t weighty tru?s float be=e my m9d's eye at times1 b d n fix !mselves !re4 ,,m>* #bj4-;,i h be5 mu* impress$ by ,dr4 ,cabot's s]mons to-day4 :ile ,i am li/5+ to 8 voice & he> him speak ( ! beauty & desirabl5ess ( ! ,*ri/ian life1 ,i feel z he feels1 t ,i am wait+ to c\nt all ?+s b dross t ,i may w9 ,*ri/4 ,b :5 ,i come home to my worldly c>es1 ,i get completely absorb$ 9 !m1 x is only by a pa9ful wr5* t ,i =ce my s\l back to ,god4 ,sometimes ,i almo/ envy ,lucy h] calm nature1 :i* gives h] s little tr\ble4 ,:y ne$ ,i ?r[ my :ole s\l into :atev] ,i d8 ,:y c't ,i make s mu* z an apron = little ,erne/ )\t ! ardor & eag]ness ( a soldi] m>*+ to battle8 ,i wond] if p ( my temp]am5t ev] get ton$ d[n1 & le>n to take life coolly8 ,,june #aj4-,my de> little ,una has _h a long & v sev]e illness4 ,x seems wond]ful t %e c\ld survive su* suff]+s4 ,& x is almo/ z wond]ful t ,i c\ld look ^u !m1 week aft] week1 )\t los+ my s5ses4 ,at fir/ ,erne/ paid little att5tion to my repeat$ entreaties t he w\ld prescribe = h]1 & "s preci\s "t 0 ?us lo/4 ,b ! mom5t he 0 fully ar\s$ to see h] dang]1 !re 0 some?+ beautiful 9 8 devotion4 ,he (t5 walk$ ! room ) h] by ! h\r toge!r1 & x 0 t\*+ to see h] ly+ l a pale2 cru%$ lily 9 8 /rong arms4 ,"o morn+ %e seem$ almo/ gone1 & we knelt ar\nd h] ) bur/+ he>ts1 to comm5d h] p>t+ s\l to ,him 9 ^: arms we 7 ab\t to place h]4 ,b x seem$ z if all ,he ask$ ( u 0 to come to t po9t1 = !n ,he gave h] back to u1 & %e is /ill ours1 only sev5-fold de>]4 ,i 0 s ?ankful to see de> ,erne/'s fai? triumph+ ov] 8 he>t1 & mak+ him s ready to give up ev5 ?is little lamb )\t a ^w4 ,yes1 we w give our *ildr5 to ,him if he asks = !m4 ,he %all nev] h to snat* !m f u by =ce4 ,,oct4 #d4-,we h _h a quiet summ] 9 ! c\ntry1 t is1 ,i h ) my d>l+ little ones4 ,?is is ! f\r? bir?day ( our son & heir1 & he has be5 full ( heal? & vivacity1 enjoy+ ev]y?+ ) all 8 he>t4 ,h[ he lights up our sombre h\sehold 6 ,fa!r has be5 fa/+ to-day1 & is s worn out & s n]v\s 9 consequ5ce1 t he c\ld n be> ! s\nd ( ! *ildr5's voices4 ,i wi%1 if he mu/ fa/1 he w\ld d x mod]ately1 & d x all ! "t4 ,n[ he goes )\t food until he is ready to s9k1 & n[ he eats quantities ( improp] food4 ,if ,m>?a c\ld only see h[ mis*iev\s all ?is is = him4 ,aft] ! *ildr5 _h be5 hu/l$ out ( ! way1 & ,i _h got !m bo? (f to b$1 he said 9 8 mo/ doleful mann]1 ,i hope1 my daught]1 t y are fai?ful to y\r son4 ,he has n[ rea*$ ! age ( f\r ye>s1 & is a rem>kably intellig5t *ild4 ,i hope y tea* him t he is a s9n]1 & t he is 9 a /ate ( condemnation4 ,n[1 fa!r1 don't1 ,i said4 ,y are all tir$ out1 & d n "k :at y are say+4 ,i w\ld n h little ,erne/ he> y = ! _w4 ,poor fa!r6 ,he fairly groan$4 ,y are responsible = t *ild's s\l2 he said2 y h m influ5ce ov] him ?an all ! _w beside4 ,i "k x1 ,i said1 & sometimes ,i feel ready to s9k :5 ,i ?9k ( ! great "w ,god has intru/$ to me4 ,b my poor *ild w le>n t he is a s9n] only too soon1 & be=e t dreadful day arrives ,i want to =tify 8 s\l ) ! only antidote aga9/ ! mis]y t k w give him4 ,i want him to see 8 ,r$eem] 9 all ,8 love1 & all ,8 beauty1 & to love ,him ) all 8 he>t & s\l1 & m9d & /r5g?4 ,de> fa!r1 pray = him1 & pray = me1 too4 ,i d1 ,i w1 he said1 solemnly4 ,& !n foll[$ ! inevitable long fit ( sil5t mus+1 :5 ,i (t5 wond] :at is pass+ 9 t suff]+ s\l4 ,= a suff]] he c]ta9ly is :o sees a great & good & t]rible ,god :o _c look ^u iniquity1 & does n see ,8 ris5 ,son1 :o has paid ! debt we owe1 & lives to int]c$e = u be=e ! ?rone ( ! ,fa!r4 ,,jan4 #a1 #ahdb4-;,james came to me ye/]day ) a lett] he _h be5 writ+ to "m4 ,i want y to read ?is be=e x goes1 he said1 = y ought to "k my plans z soon z "m does4 ,i did n get "t to read x till aft] tea4 ,!n ,i came up "h to my room1 & sat d[n curi\s to "k :at 0 com+4 ,well1 ,i ?\ght ,i lov$ him z mu* z "o human be+ c\ld love ano!r1 already1 b n[ my he>t embrac$ him ) a f]vor & delight t made me s happy t ,i c\ld n speak a ^w :5 ,i knelt d[n to tell my ,savi\r all ab\t x4 ,he said t he _h be5 l$1 )9 a few mon?s1 to make a new consecration ( himself to ,*ri/ & to ,*ri/'s cause on e>?1 & t ?is _h result$ 9 8 *oos+ ! life ( a mission>y1 in/ead ( settl+ d[n1 z he _h int5d$ to d1 z a city physician4 ,su* expressions ( p]sonal love to ,*ri/1 & delight 9 ! ?\ght ( s]v+ ,him1 ,i nev] read4 ,i c\ld only m>vel at :at ,god _h wr\ght 9 8 s\l4 ,= me to live to ,*ri/ seems natural en\gh1 = ,i h be5 driv5 to ,him n only by sorr[ b by s94 ,e outbreak ( my ha/y temp] s5ds me weep+ & p5it5t to ! foot ( ! cross1 & ,i love mu* because ,i h be5 =giv5 mu*4 ,b ,james1 z f> z ,i "k1 has nev] _h a sorr[1 except my fa!r's dea?1 & t _h no app>5t religi\s effect4 ,& 8 natural "* is p]fectly beautiful4 ,he is z w>m-he>t$ & lov+ & simple & guileless z a *ild1 & has no?+ ( my intemp]ance1 ha/9ess & quick temp]4 ,i h (t5 ?\ght t %e w\ld be a r>e woman :o c\ld w9 & we> su* a he>t z 84 ,life has done little b smile ^u him2 he is h&some & tal5t$ & attractive2 ev]ybody is fasc9at$ by him1 ev]ybody c>esses him2 & yet he has turn$ 8 back on ! _w t has dealt s k9dly ) him1 & giv5 himself1 z ,edw>ds says1 clean away to ,*ri/6 ,oh1 h[ ?ankful ,i am6 ,& yet to let him g6 ,my only bro!r-"m's ,son6 ,b ,i "k :at %e w say2 %e w him ,god-spe$6 ,erne/ came up/airs1 look+ tir$ & jad$4 ,i read ! lett] to him4 ,x impress$ him /rangely3 b he only said1 ,?is is :at we might expect1 :o knew ,james1 de> fell[6 ,b :5 we knelt d[n to pray toge!r1 ,i saw h[ he 0 t\*$1 & h[ 8 s\l k9dl$ )9 him 9 h>mony ) t consecrat$1 devot$ _s4 ,de> ,james6 x mu/ be "m's pray]s t h done = him ?is wondr\s "w t is usually ! sl[ gr[? ( ye>s2 & ?is is ! "m :o prays = y1 ,katy6 ,s take c\rage6 ,,jan4 #b4-;,james means to /udy !ology z well z m$ic9e1 x seems4 ,t w keep him ) u = "s ye>s4 ,oh1 is x selfi% to take ?is view ( x8 ,alas1 ! _s is will+ to h him g1 b ! fle% is weak1 & cries out4 ,,oct4 #bb4-;,amelia came to see me to-day4 ,%e has be5 travel+1 = h] heal?1 & c]ta9ly looks mu* improv$4 ,*>ley & ,i are q good fri5ds aga91 %e began4 ,we h jaunt$ ab\t ev]y:]e1 & h a delightful "t4 ,:at a snug little box ( a h\se y h6 ,x is inconv5i5tly small1 ,i said1 = our family is l>ge & ! doctor ne$s m (fice room4 ,does he receive pati5ts "h8 ,h[ horrid6 ,don't y hate to h p ) all sorts ( ills & a*es 9 ! h\se8 ,x mu/ depress y\r spirits4 ,i d>e say x w\ld if ,i saw !m2 b ,i nev] d4 ,i %\ld l to see y\r *ildr54 ,y\r husb& says y are p]fectly devot$ to !m4 ,z ,i suppose all mo!rs are1 ,i repli$1 laugh+4 ,z to t1 %e return$1 p diff]4 ,! *ildr5 7 br\ght d[n4 ,%e admir$ little ,erne/1 z ev]ybody does1 b only glanc$ at ! baby4 ,:at a sickly-look+ little ?+6 %e said4 ,b ?is boy is a spl5did fell[6 ,ah1 if m9e _h liv$ he w\ld h be5 j su* a *ild6 ,b "s p h all ! tr\ble & o!rs all ! com=t4 ,i am1 sure ,i don't "k :at ,i h done t ,i %\ld h to lose my only boy1 & h no?+ left b girls4 ,to be sure1 ,i c af=d to dress !m elegantly1 & z soon z !y get old en\gh ,i mean to h !m taught all sorts ( accompli%m5ts4 ,y c't imag9e :at a relief x is to h pl5ty ( money6 ,inde$ ,i c't6 ,i said2 x is q beyond ! rea* ( my imag9ation4 ,my uncle--t is to say ,*>ley's uncle-has j giv5 me a c>riage & horses = my own use4 ,9 fact1 he heaps ev]y?+ ^u me4 ,:]e d y g to *ur*8 ,i told h]1 rem9d+ h] t ,dr4 ,cabot 0 its pa/or4 ,oh1 ,i =got6 ,poor ,dr4 ,cabot6 ,is he z old-fa%ion$ z ev]8 ,i don't "k :at y mean1 ,i cri$4 ,he is z good z ev]1 if n bett]4 ,8 heal? is v delicate1 & t "o ?+ seems to be a bless+ to him4 ,a bless+6 ,:y1 ,kate ,mortim]6 ,kate ,elliott1 ,i mean4 ,x is a bless+ ,i1 = "o1 am v will+ to disp5se )4 ,b y always did say que] ?+s4 ,well1 ,i d>e say ,dr4 ,cabot is v good & all t1 b 8 *ur* is n a fa%ionable "o1 & ,*>ley & ,i g to ,dr4 ,bellamy's4 ,t is1 ,i g once a day1 pretty regul>ly1 & ,*>ley goes :5 he feels l x4 ,good-by4 ,i mu/ g n[2 ,i h all my fall %opp+ to d4 ,h y done y\rs8 ,suppose y jump into ! c>riage & g ) me8 ,y c't imag9e h[ x passes away ! morn+ to drive f %op to %op look+ ov] ! new goods4 ,!re seem to be a numb] ( ?+s ,i c't imag9e1 ,i repli$1 dryly4 ,y mu/ excuse me ?is morn+4 ,%e took h] leave44 ,i look$ at h] ri* dress z %e ga!r$ x ab\t h] & swept away1 & recall$ all h] empty1 frivol\s talk ) contempt4 ,%e & ,*---1 h] husb&1 ,i mean1 are well mat*$4 ,!y ne$ _! money1 & _! palaces & _! f9e clo!s & h&some equipages1 = !y h no?+ else4 ,h[ ?ankful ,i am t ,i am z unlike !m z ex--- ,,octob] #cj4-;,i'm sure ,i don't "k :at ,i 0 go+ to say :5 ,i 0 int]rupt$ j !n4 ,some?+ 9 ! way ( self-glorification1 mo/ likely4 ,i rememb] ! contempt ) :i* ,i look$ aft] ,amelia z %e left our h\se1 & ! p9nacle on :i* ,i sat p]*$ = "s days1 :5 ,i comp>$ my life ) h]s4 ,alas1 x 0 my view ( life ( :i* ,i 0 lo/ 9 admiration1 = ,i am sure t if ,i ev] come "u ! complete dom9ion ( ,*ri/'s gospel ,i %all n "k ! ,s5tim5t ( disda94 ,i feel truly a%am$ & sorry t ,i am /ill s f> f be+ p5etrat$ ) t _s4 ,my pride has _h a t]rible fall4 ,z ,i sat on my ?rone1 look+ d[n on all ! ,amelias 9 ! _w1 ,i felt a pr(\nd pity at _! delight 9 petty trifles1 _! love ( position1 ( m]e worldly %[ & pass+ vanities4 ,!y are all alike1 ,i said to myself4 ,!y are incapable ( und]/&+ a "* l m9e1 or ! exalt$1 ennobl+ pr9ciples t gov]n me4 ,!y crave ! applause ( ?is _w1 !y are satisfi$ ) f9e clo!s1 f9e h\ses1 f9e equipages4 ,!y ?9k & talk ( no?+ else2 ,i h n "o idea 9 common ) !m4 ,i see ! empt9ess & holl[ness ( ^! ?+s4 ,i am absolutely unworldly2 my ambition is to atta9 :atev] !y1 9 _! bl9d folly & ignorance1 absolutely despise4 ,?us commun+ ) myself1 ,i 0 n a little pleas$ to he> ,dr4 ,cabot & 8 wife ann\nc$4 ,i ha/5$ to meet !m & to display to !m ! virtues ,i s admir$ 9 myself4 ,!y _h h>dly a *ance to utt] a ^w4 ,i spoke eloqu5tly ( my contempt = worldly vanities1 & ( my en?usia/ic long+s = a high] life4 ,i ev5 w5t into p>ticul>s ab\t ! foibles ( "s ( my acqua9tances1 ?\gh fa9t misgiv+s z to ! propriety ( su* rem>ks on ! abs5t made me half rep5t ! words ,i /ill kept utt]+4 ,:5 !y took leave ,i ru%$ to my room ) my he>t beat+1 my *eeks all 9 a gl[1 & caught up & c>ess$ ! *ildr5 9 a way t seem$ to a/oni% !m4 ,!n ,i took my "w & sat d[n to sew4 ,:at a horrible reaction n[ took place6 ,i saw my ref9$1 subtle1 disgu/+ pride1 j z ,i suppose ,dr4 & ,mrs4 ,cabot saw x6 ,i sat cov]$ ) confusion1 %ock$ at myself1 %ock$ at ! weakness ( human nature4 ,oh1 to get back ! good op9ion ( my fri5ds6 ,to recov] my own self-respect6 ,b ?is 0 impossible4 ,i ?rew d[n my "w & walk$ ab\t my room4 ,!re 0 a t]rible /ruggle 9 my s\l4 ,i saw t in/ead ( brood+ ov] ! display ,i _h made ( myself to ,dr4 ,cabot ,i ought to be ?9k+ solely ( my appe>ance 9 ! sight ( ,god1 :o c\ld see f> m pla9ly ?an any e>?ly eye c\ld all my mis]able pride & self-conceit4 ,b ,i c\ld n d t1 & *af$ ab\t till ,i 0 worn out1 body & s\l4 ,at la/ ,i s5t ! *ildr5 away1 & knelt d[n & told ! :ole /ory to ,him :o knew :at ,i 0 :5 ,he _h compassion on me1 call$ me by my "n1 & made me ,8 own *ild4 ,& "h1 ,i f\nd a c]ta9 peace4 ,*ri/ian1 on 8 way to ! cele/ial city1 met & f\ght 8 ,apollyons & 8 giants1 too2 b he got !re at la/6 ,*apt] #ah ,,xviii4 ,,novemb]4 ,,?is morn+ ,erne/ receiv$ an e>ly summons to ,amelia4 ,i got out ( all mann] ( pati5ce ) him because he w\ld take 8 ba? & eat 8 breakfa/ be=e he w5t1 & %\ld h driv5 any "o else di/ract$ by my hurry & flurry4 ,%e has _h a hemorrhage6 ,i cri$4 ,d1 ,erne/1 make ha/e4 ,( c\rse1 he return$1 t w\ld come1 soon] or lat]4 ,y don't mean1 ,i said1 t %e has be5 9 dang] ( ?is all along8 ,i c]ta9ly d4 ,!n x 0 v unk9d 9 y n to tell me s4 ,i told y at ! outset t h] lungs 7 diseas$4 ,no1 y told me no su* ?+4 ,oh1 ,erne/1 is %e go+ to die8 ,i did n "k y 7 s fond ( h]1 he said1 apologetically4 ,x is n t1 ,i cri$4 ,i am di/ress$ at ! ?\ght ( ! worldly life %e has be5 liv+-at my nev] try+ to influ5ce h] = h] good4 ,if %e is 9 dang]1 y w tell h] s8 ,promise me t4 ,i mu/ see h] be=e ,i make su* a promise1 he said1 & w5t out4 ,i flew up to my room & ?rew myself on my knees1 sorr[ful1 self-condemn$4 ,i _h ?r[n away my la/ opportunity ( speak+ a ^w to h] 9 season1 ?\gh ,i _h se5 h[ mu* %e ne$$ "o1 & n[ %e 0 go+ to die6 ,oh1 ,i hope ,god w =give me1 & he> ! pray]s ,i h (f]$ h]6 ,,ev5+4-,erne/ says he _h a mo/ di/ress+ sc5e at ,amelia's ?is morn+4 ,%e insi/$ on kn[+ :at he ?\ght ( h]1 & !n bur/ out bitt] compla9ts & lam5tations1 *>g+ x to husb& t %e _h ?is disease1 decl>+ t %e c\ld n1 & w\ld n die1 & insi/+ t he mu/ prev5t x4 ,h] uncle urg$ = a consultation ( physicians1 to :i* ,erne/ cons5t$1 ( c\rse1 ?\gh he says no mortal p[] c save h] n[4 ,i ask$ him h[ h] husb& appe>$1 to :i* he made ! evasive answ] t he appe>$ j z "o w\ld expect him to d4 ,,decemb]4-,amelia 0 s det]m9$ to see me t ,erne/ ?\ght x be/ = me to g4 ,i f\nd h] look+ v feeble4 ,oh1 ,katy1 %e began at once1 d make ! doctor say t ,i %all get well6 ,i wi% he c\ld say s ) tru?1 ,i answ]$4 ,de> ,amelia1 try to ?9k h[ happy ,god's own *ildr5 are :5 !y are ) ,him4 ,i c't ?9k1 %e repli$4 ,i d n want to ?9k4 ,i want to =get all ab\t x4 ,if x 7 n = ?is t]rible c\gh ,i c\ld =get x1 = ,i am really a great deal bett] ?an ,i 0 a mon? ago4 ,i did n "k :at to say or :at to d4 ,may ,i read a hymn or a few v]ses f ! ,bible8 ,i ask$1 at la/4 ,j z y l1 %e said1 indiff]5tly4 ,i read a v]se n[ & !n1 b %e look$ tir$1 & ,i prep>$ to g4 ,don't g1 %e cri$4 ,i d n d>e to be alone4 ,oh1 :at a t]rible1 t]rible ?+ x is to die6 ,to leave ?is bright1 beautiful _w1 & be nail$ 9 a c(f9 & buri$ up 9 a cold1 d>k grave4 ,nay1 ,i said1 to leave ?is poor sick body !re1 & to fly to a _w t5 ?\s& times bright]1 m beautiful ?an ?is4 ,i _h j got to feel+ ne>ly well1 %e said1 & ,i _h ev]y?+ ,i want$1 & ,*>ley 0 q good to me1 & ,i kept my little girls look+ l fairies1 j f fairy-l&4 ,ev]ybody said !y wore ! mo/ picturesque co/umes :5 !y 7 dress$ accord+ to my ta/e4 ,& ,i h got to g & leave !m1 & ,*>ley w be m>ry+ somebody else1 & say+ to h] all ! nice ?+s he has said to me4 ,i really mu/ g n[1 ,i said4 ,y are we>+ y\rself all out4 ,i decl>e y are cry+1 %e exclaim$4 ,y d pity me aft] all4 ,inde$ ,i d1 ,i said1 & came away1 he>tsick4 ,erne/ says !re is no?+ ,i c d = h] n[ b to pray = h]1 s9ce %e does n really believe h]self 9 dang]1 & has a vague feel+ t if %e c once conv9ce him h[ mu* %e wants to live1 he w use "s vigor\s measures to re/ore h]4 ,m>?a is to wat* ) h] to-night4 ,erne/ w n let me4 ,,jan4 #ah1 #ahdc4-,our w$d+-day has pass$ unobs]v$4 ,amelia's suff]+ condition absorbs u all4 ,m>?a sp5ds mu* "t ) h]1 & prep>es almo/ all ! food %e eats4 ,,jan4 #bj4-;,i h se5 poor ,amelia once m1 & p]haps = ! la/ "t4 ,%e has fail$ rapidly ( late1 & ,erne/ says may drop away at almo/ any "t4 ,:5 ,i w5t 9 %e took me by ! h&1 & ) great difficulty1 & at int]vals said some?+ l ?is3 ,i h made up my m9d to x1 & ,i "k x mu/ come4 ,i want to see ,dr4 ,cabot4 ,d y ?9k he w\ld be will+ to visit me aft] my neglect+ him s8 ,i am sure he w\ld1 ,i cri$4 ,i want to ask him if he ?9ks ,i 0 a ,*ri/ian at t "t-y "k :54 ,if ,i 01 !n ,i ne$ n be s afraid to die4 ,b1 de> ,amelia1 :at he ?9ks is v little to ! purpose4 ,! "q is n :e!r y ev] gave y\rself to ,god1 b :e!r y are ,8 n[4 ,b ,i ought n to talk to y4 ,dr4 ,cabot w "k j :at to say4 ,no1 b ,i want to "k :at y ?\ght ab\t x4 ,i felt di/ress$1 z ,i look$ at h] wa/$ dy+ figure1 to be call$ on to help decide su* a "q4 ,b ,i knew :at ,i ought to say1 & said x3 ,don't look back to ! pa/2 x is useless4 ,give y\rself to ,*ri/ n[4 ,%e %ook h] head4 ,i don't "k h[1 %e said4 ,oh1 ,katy1 pray to ,god to let me live long en\gh to get ready to die4 ,i h l$ a worldly life4 ,i %udd] at ! b>e ?\ght ( dy+2 ,i mu/ h "t4 ,don't wait = "t1 ,i said1 ) te>s1 get ready n[1 ?is m9ute4 ,a ?\s& ye>s w\ld n make y m fit to die4 ,s ,i came away1 we>y & heavy-lad51 & on ! way home /opp$ to tell ,dr4 ,cabot all ab\t x1 & by ?is "t he is ) h]4 ,,m>* #a4-,poor ,amelia's %ort race on e>? is ov]4 ,dr4 ,cabot saw h] e few days & says he hopes %e did dep>t 9 ,*ri/ian fai?1 ?\gh )\t ,*ri/ian joy4 ,i h n se5 h] s9ce t la/ int]view4 ,t excit$ me s t ,erne/ w\ld n let me g aga94 ,m>?a has be5 !re ne>ly ! :ole "t = ?ree or f\r weeks1 & ,i really ?9k x has done h] good4 ,%e seems less absorb$ 9 m]e outside ?+s1 & m l5i5t t[>d me & my fail+s4 ,i d n "k :at is to become ( ^? mo!rless little girls4 ,i wi% ,i c\ld take !m into my own home1 b1 ( c\rse1 t is n ev5 to be ?\ght at ?is juncture4 ,erne/ says _! fa!r seem$ ne>ly di/ract$ :5 ,amelia di$1 & t 8 uncle is go+ to s5d him (f to ,europe imm$iately4 ,i h be5 talk+ ) ,erne/ ab\t ,amelia4 ,:at d y ?9k1 ,i ask$1 ab\t h] la/ days on e>?8 ,0 !re really any prep>ation = dea?8 ,^! sc5es are v pa9ful1 he return$4 ,( c\rse !re is b "o real prep>ation = ,*ri/ian dy+1 & t is ,*ri/ian liv+4 ,b ! sick-room (t5 does :at a prosp]\s life nev] did6 ,n (t54 ,sick p]sons delude !mselves1 or are delud$ by _! fri5ds2 !y d n believe !y are really ab\t to die4 ,besides1 !y are bewild]$ & exhau/$ by disease1 & :at m5tal /r5g? !y h is occupi$ ) /udy+ symptoms1 wat*+ = ! doctor1 & ! l4 ,i d n n[ recall a s+le in/ance :]e a worldly ,*ri/ian di$ a happy1 joyful dea?1 9 all my practice4 ,well1 9 "o s5se x makes no diff]5ce :e!r !y die happily or n4 ,! "q is d !y die 9 ! ,"l8 ,x may make no vital diff]5ce to !m1 b we mu/ n =get t ,god is honor$ or di%onor$ by ! way a ,*ri/ian dies1 z well z by ! way 9 :i* he lives4 ,!re is great significance 9 ! description giv5 9 ! ,bible ( ! dea? by :i* ,john %\ld ',glorify ,god'2 to my m9d x implies t to die well is to live well4 ,b h[ _m ?\s&s die sudd5ly1 or ( su* exhau/+ disease t !y _c honor ,god by ev5 "o feeble ^w4 ,( c\rse1 ,i d n1 ref] to su* cases4 ,all ,i ask is t ^? ^: m9ds are cle>1 :o are able to att5d to all o!r f9al details1 %\ld let x be se5 :at ! gospel ( ,*ri/ c d = poor s9n]s 9 ! great exig5cy ( life1 giv+ ,him ! glory4 ,i c tell y1 my d>l+1 t /&+1 z ,i s (t5 d1 by dy+ b$s1 ?is :ole subject has become "o ( great magnitude to my m9d4 ,& x gives me positive p]sonal pa9 to see heirs ( ! et]nal k+dom1 made su* by ! ignom9i\s dea? ( _! ,"l1 g %r9k+ & weep+ to ! full possession ( _! inh]itance4 ,erne/ is "r1 ,i am sure1 b h[ %all ! _w1 ev5 ! ,*ri/ian _w1 be conv9c$ t x may h bless$ =ta/es ( heav5 :ile yet plodd+ ^u e>?1 & fai? to g ?i!r joyfully1 = ! simple ask+8 ,poor ,amelia6 ,b %e und]/&s x all n[4 ,x is a bless$ ?+ to h ?is great fai?1 & x is a bless$ ?+ to h a ,savi\r :o accepts x :5 x is b a m]e gra9 ( mu/>d-se$6 ,,may #bd4-;,i celebrat$ my little ,una's ?ird bir?day by pres5t+ h] ) a new bro!r4 ,bo? ! *ildr5 welcom$ him ) delight t 0 itself comp5sation en\gh = all x co/ me to get up su* a celebration4 ,m>?a takes a mo/ prosaic view ( ?is proce$+1 9 :i* %e detects malice prep5se on my "p4 ,%e says ,i %all n[ h "o m\? ! m to fill1 & two feet ! m to %oe2 m di/urb$ nights1 m labori\s days1 & less leisure = visit+1 read+1 music1 & draw+4 ,well6 ?is is "o side ( ! /ory1 to be sure1 b ,i look at ! o!r4 ,"h is a sweet1 fragrant m\? to kiss2 "h are two m feet to make music ) _! patt]+ ab\t my nurs]y4 ,"h is a s\l to tra9 = ,god1 & ! body 9 :i* x dwells is wor?y all x w co/1 s9ce x is ! abode ( a k+ly t5ant4 ,i may see less ( fri5ds1 b ,i h ga9$ "o de>] ?an !m all1 to :om1 :ile ,i m9i/] 9 ,*ri/'s "n1 ,i make a will+ sacrifice ( :at little leisure = my own recreation my o!r d>l+s _h left me4 ,yes1 my preci\s baby1 y are welcome to y\r "m's he>t1 welcome to h] "t1 h] /r5g?1 h] heal?1 h] t5d]e/ c>es1 to h] life-long pray]s6 ,oh1 h[ ri* ,i am1 h[ truly1 h[ wondr\sly ble/6 ,,june #e4-,we beg9 to be woefully cr[d$4 ,we ne$ a l>g] h\se1 or a small] h\sehold4 ,i am afraid ,i secretly1 d[n at ! bottom ( my he>t1 wi% ,m>?a & h] fa!r c\ld give place to my little ones4 ,may ,god =give me if ?is is s6 ,x is a poor "t = su* emotions :5 ,he has j giv5 me ano!r d>l+ *ild1 = :om ,i h z ri* & ample a love z if ,i _h sp5t no affection on ! o!r twa94 ,i h made myself especially k9d to poor fa!r & to ,m>?a le/ !y %\ld p]ceive h[ inconv5i5t x is to h !m "h1 & be pa9$ by x4 ,i w\ld n = ! _w despoil !m ( :at little satisfaction !y may d]ive f liv+ ) u4 ,b1 oh6 ,i am s selfi%1 & x is s h>d to practice ! v law ( love ,i prea* to my *ildr56 ,yet ,i want ?is law to rule & reign 9 my home1 t x may be a little heav5 bel[1 & ,i w n1 no1 ,i w n1 cease pray+ t x may be su*1 no matt] :at x co/s me4 ,poor fa!r6 poor old man6 ,i w try to make y\r home s sweet & home-l to y t :5 y *ange x = heav5 x %all be b a transition f "o bliss to a high]6 ,,ev5+4-,soon aft] writ+ t ,i w5t d[n to see fa!r1 :om ,i h _h to neglect ( late1 baby has s us$ up bo? "t & /r5g?44 ,i f\nd him & ,m>?a engag$ 9 :at seem$ to be an excit+ debate1 z ,m>?a _h a fi]y little r$ spot on ea* *eek1 & 0 knitt+ furi\sly4 ,i 0 ab\t to retreat1 :5 %e got up 9 a flurri$ way & w5t (f1 say+1 z %e w5t3 ,y tell h]1 fa!r2 ,i c't4 ,i w5t up to him t5d]ly & took 8 h&4 ,ah1 h[ g5tle & lov+ we are :5 we h j be5 speak+ to ,god6 ,:at is x1 de> fa!r8 ,i ask$2 is any?+ tr\bl+ y8 ,%e is go+ to be m>ri$1 he repli$4 ,oh1 fa!r6 ,i cri$1 h[ n- nice1 ,i 0 go+ to say1 b /opp$ j 9 "t4 ,all my abom9able selfi%ness t ,i ?\ght ,i _h left at my ,ma/]'s feet t5 m9utes be=e n[ came troop+ back 9 full =ce4 ,%e's go+ to be m>ri$2 %e'll g away1 & w take h] fa!r to live ) h]6 ,i c h room = my *ildr51 & room = "m6 ,e elem5t ( discord w n[ leave my home1 & ,erne/ w see :at ,i really am6 ,^! 7 ! ?\ghts t ru%$ ?r\gh my m9d1 & t illum9at$ my face4 ,does ,erne/ "k8 ,i ask$4 ,yes1 ,erne/ has kn[n x = "s weeks4 ,!n ,i felt injur$ & inw>dly accus$ ,erne/ ( unk9dness 9 keep+ s important a fact a secret4 ,b :5 ,i w5t back to my *ildr51 vexation ) him took flight at once4 ,! com+ ( ea* new *ild /r5g!ns & deep5s my desire to be :at ,i w\ld h x become2 makes my faults m odi\s 9 my eyes1 & elevates my :ole "*4 ,:at a bless$ discipl9e ( joy & ( pa9 my m>ri$ life has be52 h[ ?ankful ,i am to reap its fruits ev5 :ile prick$ by its ?orns6 ,,june #ba4-;,x seems t ! happy man :o has woo$ ,m>?a & won h] is no less a p]sonage ?an old ,mr4 ,und]hill4 ,8 ideal ( a woman is "o :o has no n]ves1 no s5tim5t1 no backa*es1 no heada*es1 :o w see t ! :eels ( 8 h\sehold ma*9]y are kept well oil$1 s t he ne$ nev] he> !m creak1 & :o1 9 addition to h] o!r accompli%m5ts1 believes 9 him & w be k9d en\gh to live =ev] = 8 private accommodation4 ,?is expose ( 8 s5tim5ts he has made to me 9 a l\d1 *e]ful1 pomp\s way1 & he has also favor$ me ) a description ( 8 fir/ wife1 :o lack$ all ^! qualifications1 & 0 oblig+ en\gh to dep>t 9 peace at an e>ly /age ( _! m>ri$ life1 meekly pref]r+ ?us to make way = a wor?i] successor4 ,mr4 ,und]hill ) all 8 foibles1 h[ev]1 is on ! :ole a good man4 ,he int5ds to take ,amelia's little girls into 8 own home1 & be a fa!r1 z ,m>?a w be a "m1 to !m4 ,= ?is reason he hurries on ! m>riage1 aft] :i* !y w all g at once to 8 c\ntry-seat1 :i* is easy ( access1 & :i* he says he is sure fa!r w enjoy4 ,poor old fa!r ,i hope he w1 b :5 ! subject is allud$ to he ma9ta9s a sombre sil5ce1 & x seems to me he nev] sp5t s _m days alone 9 8 room1 brood+ ov] 8 mis]y1 z he has ( late4 ,oh1 t ,i c\ld com=t him4 ,,july #ab4-,! m>riage 0 appo9t$ = ! fir/ ( ! mon?1 z old ,mr4 ,und]hill want$ to get out ( t[n be=e ! ,f\r?4 ,z ! "t drew ne>1 ,m>?a began to pack fa!r's trunk z well z h] own1 & bru% 9 & out ( 8 room till he _h no re/ = ! sole ( 8 foot1 & seem$ z =lorn z a pelican 9 ! wild]ness4 ,i "k no m /rik+ picture ( desolation ?an t pres5t$ by "o ( ^! qua9t birds1 /&+ ^u a s+le leg1 feel+ z ! /ory has x1 d5 ,jamm] und das ,el5d d] ,welt4 ,on ! la/ ev5+ 9 ,june we all sat toge!r on ! piazza1 enjoy+1 ea* 9 our own way1 a refre%+ breeze t _h sprung up aft] a sultry day4 ,fa!r 0 quiet] ?an usual1 & seem$ v languid4 ,erne/ :o1 out ( reg>d to ,m>?a's la/ ev5+ at home1 _h jo9$ our little circle1 obs]v$ ?is1 & said1 *e]fully3 ,y w feel bett] z soon z y are once m out ( ! city1 fa!r4 ,fa!r made no reply = "s m9utes1 & :5 he did speak we 7 all />tl$ to f9d t 8 voice trembl$ z if he 7 %$d+ te>s4 ,we c\ld n und]/& :at he said4 ,i w5t to him & made him lean 8 head ^u me z he (t5 did :5 x a*$4 ,he took my h& 9 bo? 84 ,y d love ! old man a little8 he ask$1 9 ! same tremul\s voice4 ,inde$1 ,i d6 ,i cri$1 greatly t\*$ by 8 helpless appeal1 ,i love y de>ly1 fa!r4 ,& ,i %all miss y sadly4 ,mu/ ,i g away !n8 he :isp]$4 ,_c ,i /ay "h till my summons h5ce8 ,x w n be long1 x w n be long1 my *ild4 ,) ! cry ( a hurt animal1 ,m>?a sprang up & ru%$ pa/ u into ! h\se4 ,erne/ foll[$ h]1 & we he>d !m talk+ toge!r a long "t4 ,at la/ ,erne/ jo9$ u4 ,fa!r1 he said1 ,m>?a is a good deal w\nd$ & disappo9t$1 at y\r reluctance to1 g ) h]4 ,%e ?reat5$ to break (f h] engagem5t r ?an to be sep>at$ f y4 ,i really ?9k y w\ld be bett] (f ) h] ?an ) u4 ,y w\ld enjoy c\ntry life1 because x is :at y h be5 accu/om$ to2 y c\ld sp5d h\rs ( e day 9 driv+ ab\t2 j :at y\r heal? requires4 ,fa!r did n reply4 ,he took ,erne/'s arm & tott]$ into ! h\se4 ,!n we _h a mo/ pa9ful sc5e4 ,m>?a rem9d$ him ) bitt] te>s t h] "m _h committ$ him to h] ) h] la/ brea? & set be=e him all ! advantages he w\ld h 9 h] h\se ov] ours4 ,fa!r sat pale & inflexible2 te> aft] te> roll+ d[n 8 *eeks4 ,erne/ look$ di/ress$ & ready to s9k4 ,z = me ,i cri$ ) ,m>?a1 & ) h] fa!r by turns1 & clung to ,erne/ ) a feel+ t all ! f\ndations ( ! e>? 7 giv+ way4 ,x came "t = ev5+ pray]s1 & ,erne/ pray$ z he r>ely does1 = he is r>ely s mov$4 ,he quiet$ u all by a few simple words ( appeal to ,him :o lov$ u1 & fa!r !n cons5t$ to sp5d ! summ] ) ,m>?a if he might call our home 8 home1 & be ) u ?r\gh ! w9t]4 ,b ?is 0 n till long aft] ! re/ ( u w5t to b$1 & a h>d battle ) ,erne/4 ,he says ,erne/ is 8 favorite *ild1 & t ,i am 8 favorite daught]1 & our *ildr5 inexpressibly de> to him4 ,i am a%am$ to write d[n :at he said ( me4 ,besides1 ,i am sure !re is a wick$1 wick$ triumph ov] ,m>?a 9 my secret he>t4 ,i am too elat$ ) 8 extraord9>y pref]5ce = u1 to sympa?ize ) h] mortification & grief z ought4 ,some?+ :isp]$ t %e :o has nev] piti$ me des]ves no pity n[4 ,b ,i d n l ?is mean & n>r[ _s 9 myself2 nay m1 ,i hate & abhor x4 ,! m>riage took place & !y all w5t (f toge!r1 fa!r's rigid1 :ite face1 :it]1 m rigid ?an ev]4 ,i am to g to "m's ) ! *ildr5 at once4 ,i feel t a great /one has be5 roll$ away f be=e ! door ( my he>t2 ! "o human be+ :o refus$ me a k9dly smile1 a sympa?iz+ ^w1 has gone1 nev] to return4 ,may ,god g ) h] & give h] a happy home1 & make h] true & lov+ to ^? mo!rless little ones6 ,*apt] #ai ,,xix4 ,,octob] #a4 ,i ,h _h a *>m+ summ] ) de> "m2 & n[ ,i h ! great joy1 s long def]r$1 ( hav+ h] 9 my own home4 ,erne/ has be5 v cordial ab\t x1 & ,james has settl$ up all h] worldly affairs1 s t %e has no?+ to d n[ b to love u & let u love h]4 ,x is a pleasant picture to see h] ) my little d>l+s ab\t h]1 tell+ ! old sweet /ory %e told me s (t51 & mak+ ,god & ,heav5 & ,*ri/ su* blissful realities4 ,z ,i li/51 ,i realize t x is to h] ,i owe t e>ly1 deeply-seat$ long+ to please ! ,"l ,jesus1 :i* ,i nev] rememb] z hav+ a beg9n+1 or an end+1 ?\gh x did h its fluctuations4 ,& x is ano!r pleasant picture to see h] sit 9 h] own old *air1 :i* ,erne/ 0 ?\ghtful en\gh to h br\ght = h]1 pond]+ *e]fully ov] h] ,bible & h] ,?omas a ,kempis j z ,i h se5 h] d ev] s9ce ,i c rememb]4 ,& !re is /ill a ?ird pleasant picture1 only t x is a new "o2 x is z %e sits at my "r h& at ! table1 ! liv+ p]sonification ( ! bless$ gospel ( good tid+s1 ) fa!r1 opposite1 ! fad+ image ( ! law giv5 by ,moses4 ,= fa!r has come back2 fa!r & all 8 ailm5ts1 8 pill-boxes1 8 fits ( despair & 8 fits ( dy+4 ,b he is quiet & g5tle1 & ev5 lov+1 & z he sits 9 8 corn]1 8 ,bible on 8 knees1 ,i see h[ mu* m he reads ! ,new ,te/am5t ?an he us$ to d1 & t ! f\rte5? *apt] ( ,/4 ,john almo/ op5s to him ( itself4 ,i mu/ d ,m>?a ! ju/ice to say t h] abs5ce1 :ile x increases my dome/ic peace & happ9ess1 increases my c>es also4 ,:at ) ! *ildr51 ! h\sekeep+1 ! ?\ght = "m's little com=ts & ! conc]n = fa!r's1 ,i am l a bit ( *aff driv5 be=e ! w9d1 & always 9 a hurry4 ,!re are s _m /it*es to be tak51 s _m ?+s to pass ?r\gh "o's bra96 ,"m says no mortal woman ought to und]take s mu*1 b :at c ,i d8 ,:ile ,erne/ is /ra9+ e n]ve to pay (f ^? debts1 ,i mu/ d all ! ne$lework1 & we mu/ get along ) s]vants ^: want ( skill makes !m will+ to put up ) l[ wages4 ,( c\rse ,i _c tell "m ?is1 & ,i really believe %e ?9ks ,i scrimp & p9* & ov]do out ( m]e /+9ess4 ,,decemb] #cj4-;,erne/ came to me to-day ) our acc\nts = ! la/ ?ree mon?s4 ,he look$ q worri$1 = him1 & ask$ me if !re 7 any exp5ses we c\ld cut d[n4 ,my he>t jump$ up into my m\?1 & ,i said 9 an irritat$ way3 ,i am kill+ myself ) ov]-"w n[4 ,"m says s4 ,i sew e night till twelve o'clock1 & ,i feel all jad$ out4 ,i did n mean t ,i want$ y to d anymore ?an y are do+ n[1 de>1 he said1 k9dly4 ,i "k y are all jad$ out1 & ,i look on ?is /ate ( fev]i% activity ) great anxiety4 ,are all ^! /it*es absolutely necess>y8 ,y m5 "k no?+ ab\t su* ?+s1 ,i said1 :ile my consci5ce prick$ me z ,i w5t on hurry+ to f9i% ! fif? tuck 9 "o ( ,una's little dresses4 ,( c\rse ,i want my *ildr5 to look dec5t4 ,erne/ sigh$4 ,i really don't "k :at to d1 he said1 9 a hopeless way4 ,fa!r's p]si/+ 9 liv+ ) u is ?r[+ a burd5 on y1 t ) all y\r o!r c>es is q too mu* = y4 ,i see & feel x e day4 ,don't y ?9k ,i _h bett] expla9 ?is to him & let him g to ,m>?a's8 ,no1 inde$6 ,i said4 ,he %all /ay "h if x kills me1 poor old man6 ,erne/ began once m to look ov] ! bills4 ,i don't "k h[ x is1 he said1 b s9ce ,m>?a left u our exp5ses h increas$ a good deal4 ,n[ ! tru? is t :5 ,aunty paid me mo/ g5]\sly = tea*+ h] *ildr51 ,i did n d>e to (f] my e>n+s to ,erne/1 le/ he %\ld be annoy$4 ,s ,i _h quietly us$ x = h\sehold exp5ses1 & x _h held out till ab\t ! "t ( ,m>?a's m>riage4 ,erne/'s inju/ice 0 j z pa9ful1 j z insuff]able z if he _h kn[n ?is1 & ,i n[ bur/ out ) :atev] my rasp$1 ov]-tax$ n]ves impell$ me to say1 l "o possess$4 ,erne/ 0 annoy$ & surpris$4 ,i ?\ght we _h done ) ^! ?+s1 he said1 & ga!r+ up ! pap]s he w5t (f4 ,i rose & lock$ my door & ?rew myself d[n ^u ! floor 9 an agony ( %ame1 ang]1 & physical exhau/ion4 ,i did n "k h[ l>ge a "p ( :at seem$ m]e *ildi% ill-temp] 0 really ! cry ( exasp]at$ n]ves1 t _h be5 on too /ra9$ a t5sion1 & sil5t too long1 & ,erne/ did n "k x ei!r4 ,h[ c\ld he8 ,8 pr(ession kept him = h\rs e day 9 ! op5 air2 !re 7 times :5 8 "w 0 done & he c\ld take entire re/2 & 8 heal? is absolutely p]fect4 ,b ,i did n make any excuse = myself at ! mom5t4 ,i 0 ov]:elm$ ) ! s5se ( my utt] unfitness to be a wife & a "m4 ,!n ,i he>d ,erne/ try to op5 ! door2 & f9d+ x lock$1 he knock$1 call+ pleasantly3 ,x is ,i1 d>l+2 let me 94 ,i op5$ x reluctantly en\gh4 ,come1 he said1 put on y\r ?+s & drive ab\t ) me on my r\nds4 ,i h no long visits to make1 & :ile ,i am see+ my pati5ts y w be gett+ ! air1 :i* y ne$4 ,i d n want to g1 ,i said4 ,i d n feel well en\gh4 ,besides1 !re's my "w4 ,y c't see to sew ) ^! r$ eyes1 he decl>$4 ,come6 ,i prescribe a drive1 z y\r physician4 ,oh1 ,erne/1 h[ k9d1 h[ =giv+ y are81 ,i cri$1 runn+ into ! arms he held out to me1 ,if y knew h[ a%am$1 h[ sorry1 ,i am6 ,& if y only knew h[ a%am$ & sorry ,i am6 he return$4 ,i ought to h se5 h[ y tax+ & ov]-tax+ y\rself1 do+ y\r "w & ,m>?a's too4 ,x mu/ n g on s4 ,by ?is "t1 ) a veil ov] my face1 he _h got me d[n/airs & out into ! air1 :i* fann$ my fi]y *eeks & cool$ my heat$ bra94 ,x seem$ to me t ,i h _h all ?is tempe/ ab\t no?+ at all1 & t ) a "* /ill s undiscipl9$1 ,i 0 utt]ly unwor?y to be ei!r a wife or a "m4 ,b :5 ,i tri$ to say s 9 brok5 words1 ,erne/ com=t$ me ) ! g5tl5ess & t5d]ness ( a woman4 ,y\r "* is n undiscipl9$1 my d>l+1 he said4 ,y\r n]v\s organization is v peculi>1 & y h _h unusual c>es & trials f ! beg9n+ ( our m>ri$ life4 ,i ought n to h confront$ y ) my fa!r's debts at a mom5t :5 y _h e reason to look =w>d to fre$om f mo/ petty economies & c>es4 ,don't say s1 ,i int]rupt$4 ,if y _h n told me y _h ?is draft on y\r res\rces ,i %\ld h always suspect$ y ( meanness4 ,= y "k1 de>1 y h kept me-t is to say-y c\ld n help x1 b ,i suppose m5 c't und]/& h[ _m dem&s are made ^u a "m = money almo/ e day4 ,i got along v well till ! *ildr5 came1 b s9ce !n x has be5 v h>d4 ,yes1 he said1 ,i am sure x has4 ,b let me f9i% :at ,i 0 go+ to say4 ,i want y to make a di/9ction = y\rself1 :i* ,i make = y1 betwe5 m]e ill-temp]1 & ! irritability t is ! result ( a goad$ /ate ( ! n]ves4 ,until y d t1 no?+ c be done to relieve y f :at ,i am sure1 di/resses & grieves y exce$+ly4 ,n[1 ,i suppose t :5ev] y speak to me or ! *ildr5 9 ?is irritat$ way y lose y\r own self-respect1 = ! "t1 at lea/1 & feel degrad$ 9 ! sight ( ,god also4 ,oh1 ,erne/6 !re are no words 9 any language t mean en\gh to express ! angui% ,i feel :5 ,i speak quick1 impati5t words to y1 ! "o human be+ 9 ! univ]se :om ,i love ) all my he>t & s\l1 & to my d>l+ little *ildr5 :o are almo/ z de>6 ,i pray & m\rn ov] x day & night4 ,god only kn[s h[ ,i hate myself on acc\nt ( ?is "o horrible s96 ,x is a s9 only z y delib]ately & wilfully fulfill ! conditions t lead to su* results4 ,n[ ,i am sure if y c\ld once make up y\r m9d 9 ! fe> ( ,god1 nev] to und]take m "w ( any sort ?an y c c>ry on calmly1 quietly1 )\t hurry or flurry1 & ! in/ant y f9d y\rself gr[+ n]v\s & l "o out ( brea?1 w\ld /op & take brea?1 y w\ld f9d ?is simple1 common-s5se rule do+ = y :at no pray]s or te>s c\ld ev] accompli%4 ,w y try x = "o mon?1 my d>l+8 ,b we c't af=d x1 ,i cri$1 ) almo/ a groan4 ,:y1 y h told me ?is v day t our exp5ses mu/ be cut d[n1 & n[ y want me to add to !m by do+ less "w4 ,b ! "w mu/ be done4 ,! *ildr5 mu/ be clo!d1 !re is no end to ! /it*es to be tak5 = !m1 & y\r /ock+s mu/ be m5d$-y make enorm\s holes 9 !m6 & y don't l x if y ev] f9d a button want+ to a %irt or y\r supply ( %irts gett+ l[4 ,all y say may be v true1 he return$1 b ,i am det]m9$ t y %all n be driv5 to desp]ation z y h be5 ( late4 ,by ?is "t we _h rea*$ ! h\se :]e 8 visit 0 to be made1 & ,i _h no?+ to d b lean back & revolve all he _h be5 say+1 ov] & ov] aga91 & to see its reasonabl5ess :ile ,i c\ld n see :at 0 s be done = my relief4 ,ah1 ,i h (t5 felt 9 mom5ts ( bitt] grief at my impati5ce ) my *ildr51 t p]haps ,god piti$ m ?an ,he blam$ me = x6 ,& n[ my de> husb& 0 do+ ! same6 ,:5 ,erne/ _h f9i%$ 8 visit we drove on aga9 9 sil5ce4 ,at la/1 ,i ask$3 ,d tell me1 ,erne/1 if y work$ out ?is problem all by y\rself8 ,he smil$ a little4 ,no1 ,i did n4 ,b ,i h _h a pati5t = two or ?ree ye>s ^: case has int]e/$ me a good deal1 & = :om ,i f9ally prescrib$ j z ,i h done = y4 ,! ?+ work$ l a *>m1 & %e is n[ physically & morally q well4 ,i d>e say h] husb& is a ri* man1 ,i said4 ,he is n z poor z y\r husb&1 at any rate1 ,erne/ repli$4 ,b ri* or poor ,i am det]m9$ n to sit look+ on :ile y ex]t y\rself s f> beyond y\r /r5g?4 ,j ?9k1 de>1 suppose = fifty or a hundr$ or two hundr$ doll>s a ye> y c\ld buy a sweet1 *e]ful1 quiet tone ( m9d1 w\ld y hesitate "o mom5t to d s8 ,& y c d x if y w4 ,y are n ill-temp]$ b quick-temp]$2 ! irritability :i* annoys y s is a physical infirmity :i* w disappe> ! mom5t y cease to be goad$ into x by t exact+ mi/ress y h hi!rto be5 to y\rself4 ,all ?is s\nd$ v plausible :ile ,erne/ 0 talk+1 b ! mom5t ,i got home ,i snat*$ up my "w f m]e =ce ( habit4 ,i may z well f9i% ?is z x is begun1 ,i said to myself1 & ! /it*es flew f my ne$le l sp>ks ( fire4 ,little ,erne/ came & begg$ = a /ory1 b ,i put him (f4 ,!n ,una want$ to sit 9 my lap1 b ,i told h] ,i 0 too busy4 ,9 ! c\rse ( an h\r ! influ5ce ( ! fre% air & ,erne/'s talk _h ne>ly lo/ _! p[] ov] me2 my ?read kept break+1 ! *ildr5 lean$ on & tir$ me1 ! baby woke up & cri$1 & ,i got all out ( pati5ce4 ,d g away1 ,erne/1 ,i said1 & let mamma h a little peace4 ,don't y see h[ busy ,i am8 ,g & play ) ,una l a good boy4 ,b he w\ld n g1 & kept teas+ ,una till %e too1 began to cry1 & %e & baby made a regul> conc]t ( x4 ,oh1 de>6 ,i sigh$1 ?is "w w nev] be done6 & ?rew x d[n impati5tly1 & took ! baby impati5tly1 & began to walk up & d[n ) him impati5tly4 ,i 0 n will+ t ?is little d>l+1 :om ,i love s de>ly1 %\ld get ?r\gh ) 8 nap & int]rupt my "w2 yet ,i 0 displeas$ ) myself1 & tri$ by kiss+ him to make "s am5ds = ! ha/y1 un pleasant tones ) :i* ,i _h griev$ him & fright5$ ! o!r *ildr54 ,?is ev5+ ,erne/ came to me ) a l>g] sum ( money ?an he _h ev] giv5 me at "o "t4 ,n[ e c5t ( ?is is to be sp5t1 he said1 9 hav+ "w done4 ,i "k any numb] ( poor wom5 :o w be ?ankful to h all y c give !m4 ,de> me ,i x is easy to talk1 & ,i d feel grateful to ,erne/ = 8 ?\ghtfulness & k9dness4 ,b ,i am almo/ 9 rags1 & ne$ e c5t ( ?is money to make myself dec5t4 ,i am positively a%am$ to g any:]e1 my clo!s are s %abby4 ,besides1 suppos+ ,i leave (f sew+ & all sorts ( ov]-do+ ( a k9dr$ nature1 ,i mu/ nurse baby1 ,i suppose1 & be up ) him nights & o!rs w h _! cross days & _! sick & fa!r w h 84 ,alas1 !re c be = no royal road to a sweet1 *e]ful1 quiet tone ( m9d6 ,,janu>y #a1 #ahdd4-,"m says ,erne/ is entirely "r 9 =bidd+ my work+ s h>d4 ,i own t ,i already feel bett]4 ,i h all ! "t ,i ne$ to read my ,bible & to pray n[1 & ! *ildr5 d n irritate & annoy me z !y did4 ,:o kn[s b ,i %all yet become q amiable8 ,erne/ made 8 fa!r v happy to-day by tell+ him t ! la/ ( ^? wret*$ debts is paid4 ,i ?9k t he might h told me t ?is deliv]ance 0 at h&4 ,i did n "k b we _h ye>s ( ^! /ruggles ) pov]ty be=e u4 ,:at ) ! relief f ?is anxiety1 my improv$ /ate ( heal?1 & fa!r's pleasure1 ,i am 9 spl5did spirits to-day4 ,erne/1 too1 seems wond]fully *e]ful1 & we bo? feel t we may n[ look =w>d to a quiet happ9ess we h nev] kn[n4 ,) su* a husb& & su* *ildr5 z m9e1 ,i ought to be ! mo/ grateful creature on e>?4 ,& ,i h de> "m & ,james besides4 ,i don't q "k :at to ?9k ab\t ,james' relation to ,lucy4 ,he is s brimful runn+ ov] ) happ9ess t he is also full ( fun & ( love1 & aft] all he may only l h] z a c\s94 ,,feb4 #ad4-;,fa!r has n be5 s well ( late4 ,x seems z if he kept up until he 0 reliev$ ab\t ^? debts1 & !n sunk d[n4 ,i read to him a good deal1 & s does "m1 b 8 m9d is /ill d>k1 & he looks =w>d to ! h\r ( dea? ) pa9ful misgiv+s4 ,he is gett+ a little *ildi% ab\t my leav+ him1 & cl+s to me exactly z if ,i 7 8 own *ild4 ,m>?a sp5ds a good deal ( "t ) him1 & fusses ov] him 9 a way t ,i wond] %e does n see is annoy+ to him4 ,he wants to be read to1 to he> a hymn sung or a v]se repeat$1 & to be left o!rwise 9 p]fect quiet4 ,b %e is cont9ually pull+ out & %ak+ up 8 pill[s1 ba?+ 8 head 9 hot v9eg> & soak+ 8 feet4 ,x looks s odd to see h] 9 "o ( ! elegant silk dresses old ,mr4 ,und]hill makes h] we>1 ) h] sleeves roll$ up1 ! skirt hid away "u a l>ge apron1 rubb+ away at poor fa!r till x seems z if 8 tir$ s\l w\ld fly out ( him4 ,,feb4 #bj4-;,fa!r gr[s weak] e day4 ,erne/ has s5t = 8 o!r *ildr51 ,john & ,hel54 ,m>?a is no long] able to come "h2 h] husb& is v sick ) a fev]1 & _c be left alone4 ,no d\bt he enjoys h] bu/l+ way ( nurs+1 & likes to h 8 pill[s pu%$ f "u him e five m9utes4 ,i am afraid ,i feel glad t %e is kept away1 & t ,i h fa!r all to myself4 ,erne/ nev] 0 s fond ( me z he is n[4 ,i don't "k :at to make ( x4 ,,feb #bb4-;,john & 8 wife & ,hel5 h come4 ,!y /ay at ,m>?a's1 :]e !re is pl5ty ( room4 ,john's wife is a little s(t dumpl+ ?+1 & looks up to him z a m\se w\ld up at a /eeple4 ,he /rikes me z a v selfi% man4 ,he /e]s /raight = ! be/ seat1 leav+ h] /&+1 if ne$ be1 accepts h] humble att5tions ) ! air ( "o collect+ 8 j debt & is cont9ually snubb+ & sett+ h] "r4 ,yet 9 "s ?+s he is v l ,erne/1 & p]haps a wife de/itute ( self-ass]tion & )\t mu* individuality w\ld h spoil$ him z ,h>riet has spoil$ ,john4 ,= ,i ?9k x mu/ be p>tly h] fault t he d>es to be s egoti/ical4 ,hel51 is ! de>e/1 prettie/ creature ,i ev] saw4 ,oh1 :y w\ld ,james take a fancy to ,lucy6 ,i feel ! new delight ( hav+ a si/] to love & to admire4 ,& %e w love me 9 "t2 ,i feel sure ( x4 ,,m>* #a4-;,fa!r is v feeble & 9 great m5tal di/ress4 ,he gropes ab\t 9 ! d>k1 & %udd]s at ! approa* ( dea?4 ,we c d no?+ b pray = him4 ,& ! cl\d w be lift$ :5 he leaves ?is _w1 if n be=e4 ,= ,i "k he is a good1 yes1 a sa9tly man1 de> to & de> to ,*ri/4 ,,m>* #d4-;,de> fa!r has gone4 ,we 7 all kneel+ & pray+ & weep+ ar\nd him1 :5 sudd5ly he call$ me to come to him4 ,i w5t & let him lean 8 head on my brea/1 z he lov$ to d4 ,sometimes ,i h /ood s by ! h\r toge!r ready to s9k ) fatigue1 & only kept up ) ! ?\ght t if ?is 7 my own preci\s fa!r's bruis$ head ,i c\ld /& & hold x =ev]4 ,daught] ,ka!r9e1 he said1 9 8 fa9t1 tremul\s way1 y h come ) me to ! v br9k ( ! riv]4 ,i ?ank ,god = all y\r *e]+ words & ways4 ,i ?ank ,god = giv+ y to be a helpmeet to my son4 ,f>ewell1 n[1 he add$1 9 a l[1 firm voice1 ,i feel ! bottom1 & x is good6 ,he lay back on 8 pill[ look+ upw>d ) an expression ( s]aphic peace & joy on 8 worn1 meagre face1 & s 8 life pass$ g5tly away4 ,oh1 ! afflu5ce ( ,god's paym5ts6 ,:at a recomp5se = ! poor love ,i _h giv5 my husb&'s fa!r1 & ! poor little s]vices ,i _h r5d]$ him6 ,oh1 t ,i _h nev] be5 impati5t ) him1 nev] smil$ at 8 peculi>ities1 nev] 9 my secret he>t felt him unwelcome to my home6 ,& h[ :olly ,i ov]look$1 9 my bl9d selfi%ness1 :at he mu/ h suff]$ 9 feel+ himself1 homeless1 dwell+ ) u on suff]ance1 b ma/] & head n[h]e on e>?6 ,may ,god c>ry ! lessons home to my he>t ( he>ts1 & make ! cl\d ( m+l$ remorse & %ame :i* n[ envelops me to desc5d 9 %[]s ( love & b5$iction on e human s\l t m9e c bless6 ,*apt] #bj ,,xx4 ,,april4 ,i ,,h _h a new lesson :i* has almo/ brok5 my he>t4 ,9 look+ ov] 8 fa!r's pap]s1 ,erne/ f\nd a little j\rnal1 brief 9 its records inde$1 b we le>n f x t on all ^? w$d+ & bir?days1 :5 ,i fanci$ 8 au/]e religion made him hold alo( f our m]ry-mak+1 he 0 sp5d+ ! "t 9 fa/+ & pray+ = u & = our *ildr56 ,oh1 %all ,i ev] le>n ! sweet *>ity t ?9ke? no evil1 & believe? all ?+s8 ,:at bless+s may n h desc5d$ ^u u & our *ildr5 ?r\gh ^? pray]s6 ,:at evils may !y n h w>d$ (f6 ,de> old fa!r6 ,oh1 t ,i c\ld once m put my lov+ arms ab\t him & bid him welcome to our home6 ,& h[ gladly w\ld ,i n[ confess to him all my unju/ judgm5ts conc]n+ him & entreat 8 =giv5ess6 ,mu/ life always g on ?us8 ,mu/ ,i always be err+1 ignorant & bl9d8 ,h[ ,i hate ?is arrogant sweep+ pa/ my bro!r man2 ?is utt] ignor+ ( 8 hidd5 life8 ,i see n[ t x is well = "m t %e did n come to live ) me at ! beg9n+ ( my m>ri$ life4 ,i %\ld n h borne ) h] little peculi>ities1 nor h made h] half s happy z ,i c n[4 ,i ?ank ,god t my v>i$ disappo9tm5ts & discom=ts1 my feeble heal?1 my pov]ty1 my mortifications h done me "s little good1 & driv5 me to ,him a ?\s& times because ,i c\ld n get along )\t ,8 help4 ,b ,i am n satisfi$ ) my /ate 9 ,8 sight4 ,i am sure some?+ is lack+1 ?\gh ,i "k n :at x is4 ,,may4-,hel5 is go+ to /ay "h & live ) ,m>?a4 ,h[ glad h[ en*ant$ ,i am6 ,old ,mr4 ,und]hill is gett+ well2 ,i saw him to-day4 ,he c talk ( no?+ b 8 illness1 ( ,m>?a's wond]ful skill 9 nurs+ him decl>+ t he owes 8 life to h]4 ,i felt a little piqu$ at ?is spee*1 because ,erne/ 0 v att5tive to him1 & no d\bt did 8 %>e t[>ds ! cure4 ,we h fitt$ up fa!r's room = a nurs]y4 ,hi!rto all ! *ildr5 h _h to sleep 9 our room :i* has be5 bad = !m & bad = u4 ,i h be5 s afraid !y w\ld keep ,erne/ awake if !y 7 unwell & re/less4 ,i h secur$ an excell5t nurse1 :o is z fre% & bloom+ z ! fl[] ^: "n %e be>s4 ,! *ildr5 are already atta*$ to h]1 & ,i feel t ! wor/ ( my life is n[ ov]4 ,,june4-,little ,erne/ 0 tak5 sick on ! day ,i wrote t4 ,! attack 0 fe>fully sudd5 & viol5t4 ,he is /ill v1 v ill4 ,i h n =gott5 t ,i said once t ,i w\ld give my *ildr5 to ,god %\ld ,he ask = !m4 ,& ,i w4 ,b oh1 ?is agony ( susp5se6 ,x eats into my s\l & eats x away4 ,oh1 my little ,erne/6 ,my fir/-born son6 ,my pride1 my joy1 my hope6 ,& ,i ?\ght ! wor/ ( my life 0 ov]6 ,,augu/4-,we h come into ! c\ntry ) :at ,god has left u1 our two y\nge/ *ildr54 ,yes1 ,i h ta/$ ! bitt] cup ( b]eavem5t1 & drunk x d[n to its dregs4 ,i gave my d>l+ to ,god1 ,i gave him1 ,i gave him6 ,b1 oh1 ) :at angui% ,i saw ^? r\nd1 dimpl$ limbs )] & wa/e away1 ! glad smile fade =ev] f t beautiful face6 ,:at a fe>ful ?+ x is to be a "m6 ,b ,i h giv5 my *ild to ,god4 ,i w\ld n recall him if ,i c\ld4 ,i am ?ankful ,he has c\nt$ me wor?y to pres5t ,him s co/ly a gift4 ,i _c %$ a te>1 & ,i mu/ f9d relief 9 writ+1 or ,i %all lose my s5ses4 ,my noble1 beautiful boy6 ,my fir/-born son6 ,& to ?9k t my delicate little ,una /ill lives1 & t dea? has claim$ t bright1 glad creature :o 0 ! sun%9e ( our home6 ,b let me n =get my m]cies4 ,let me n =get t ,i h a preci\s husb& & two d>l+ *ildr51 & my k9d1 sympa?iz+ "m left to me4 ,let me n =get h[ _m k9d fri5ds ga!r$ ab\t u 9 our sorr[4 ,above all let me rememb] ,god's lov+-k9dness & t5d] m]cy4 ,he has n left u to ! bitt]ness ( a grief t refuses & disda9s to be com=t$4 ,we believe 9 ,him1 we love ,him1 we wor%ip z we nev] did be=e4 ,my de> ,erne/ has felt ?is sorr[ to 8 he>t's core4 ,b he has n = "o mom5t que/ion$ ! goodness or ! love ( our ,fa!r 9 ?us tak+ f u ! *ild :o promis$ to be our greate/ e>?ly joy4 ,our cons5t to ,god's w has drawn u toge!r v closely1 toge!r we be> ! yoke 9 our y\?1 toge!r we pray & s+ praises 9 ! v mid/ ( our te>s ,i 0 dumb ) sil5ce because ,?\ did/ x4 ,,sept4 ,! old pa9 & c\gh h come back ) ! fir/ cool nights ( ?is mon?4 ,p]haps ,i am go+ to my d>l+--,i d n "k ,i am c]ta9ly v feeble4 ,cons5t+ to suff] does n annul ! suff]+4 ,su* a *ild c\ld n g h5ce )\t r5d+ & te>+ its way out ( ! he>t t lov$ x4 ,?is _w is :olly *ang$ to me & ,i walk 9 x l "o 9 a dream4 ,& de> ,erne/ is *ang$1 too4 ,he says little1 & is all k9dness & goodness to me1 b ,i c see "h is a w\nd t w nev] be heal$4 ,i am conf9$ to my room n[ ) no?+ d b to ?9k1 ?9k1 ?9k4 ,i d n believe ,god has tak5 our *ild 9 m]e displeasure1 b _c b feel t ?is affliction might n h be5 necess>y if ,i _h n s *af$ & wri!d & secretly rep9$ at ! way 9 :i* my home 0 invad$1 & at our gall+ pov]ty4 ,god has ex*ang$ ! "o discipl9e = ! o!r2 & oh1 h[ f> m bitt] is ?is cup6 ,oct4 #d4-,my d>l+ boy w\ld h be5 six ye>s old to-day4 ,erne/ /ill keeps me %ut up1 b he r urges my see+ a fri5d n[ &4 ,p say v /range ?+s 9 ! way ( consolation4 ,i beg9 to ?9k t a t5d] clasp ( ! h& is ab\t all "o c give to ! afflict$4 ,"o says ,i mu/ n grieve1 because my *ild is bett] (f 9 heav54 ,yes1 he is bett] (f2 ,i "k x1 ,i feel x2 b ,i miss him none ! less4 ,o!rs say he might h gr[n up to be a bad man & brok5 my he>t4 ,p]haps he might1 b ,i _c make myself believe t likely4 ,"o lady ask$ me if ?is affliction 0 n a rebuke ( my idolatry ( my d>l+2 & ano!r1 if ,i _h n be5 9 a cold1 worldly /ate1 ne$+ ?is sev]e bl[ on t acc\nt4 ,b ,i f9d no consolation or support 9 ! rem>ks4 ,my com=t is 9 my p]fect fai? 9 ! goodness & love ( my ,fa!r1 my c]ta9ty t ,he _h a reason 9 ?us afflict+ me t ,i %\ld admire & adore if ,i knew :at x 04 ,& 9 ! mid/ ( my sorr[ ,i h _h & d h a delight 9 ,him hi!rto unkn[n1 s t sometimes ?is room 9 :i* ,i am a prison] seems l ! v gate ( heav54 ,,may4-,a long w9t] 9 my room1 & all sorts ( pa9ful rem$ies & appliances & deprivations4 ,& n[ ,i am gett+ well1 & drive out e day4 ,m>?a s5ds h] c>riage1 & "m goes ) me4 ,de> "m6 ,h[ ne>ly p]fect %e is6 ,i nev] saw a sweet] face1 nor ev] he>d sweet] expressions ( fai? 9 ,god1 & love to all ab\t h] ?an h]s4 ,%e has be5 my t[] /r5g? all ?r\gh ^! we>y mon?s2 & %e has %>$ my sorr[ & made x h] own4 ,i c see t de> ,erne/'s affliction & ?is prolong$ anxiety ab\t me h be5 a heav5ly b5$iction to him ,i am sure t e "m ^: sick *ild he visits w h a sympa?y he c\ld n h giv5 :ile all our own little ones 7 alive & well4 ,i ?ank ,god t ,he has ?us increas$ my de> husb&'s usefulness z ,i ?9k t ,he has m9e also4 ,h[ t5d]ly ,i already feel t[>ds all suff]+ *ildr51 & h[ easy x w be n[ to be pati5t ) !m6 ,,ke5e1 ,n4 ,h4 ,,july #ab4-;,x is a ye> ago ?is day t ! brighte/ sun%9e fad$ out ( our lives1 & our beautiful boy 0 tak5 f u4 ,i h be5 tempt$ to sp5d ?is anniv]s>y 9 bitt] te>s & lam5tations4 ,= oh1 ?is sorr[ is n heal$ by "t6 ,i feel x m & m4 ,b ,i begg$ ,god :5 ,i fir/ awoke ?is morn+ n to let me s di%onor & grieve ,him4 ,i may suff]1 ,i mu/ suff]1 ,he means x1 ,he wills x1 b let x be )\t rep9+1 )\t gloomy despond5cy4 ,! _w is full ( sorr[2 x is n ,i alone :o ta/e its bitt] draughts1 nor h ,i ! only "r to a sad c\nt5ance4 ,oh1 = pati5ce to be> on1 co/ :at x may6 ,*e]fully & gratefully ,i lay myself & all t ,i am or own at ! feet ( ,him :o r$eem$ me ) ,8 preci\s blood1 engag+ to foll[ ,him1 be>+ ! cross ,he lays ^u me4 ,?is is ! lea/ ,i c d1 & ,i d x :ile my he>t lies brok5 & ble$+ at ,8 feet4 ,my de> little ,una has improv$ some:at 9 heal?1 b ,i am nev] free f anxiety ab\t h]4 ,%e is my milk-:ite lamb1 my dove1 my fragrant fl[]4 ,"o _c look 9 h] pure face )\t a s5se ( peace & re/4 ,%e is ! s5t9el :o volunt>ily gu>ds my door :5 ,i am engag$ at my devotions2 %e is my little com=t] :5 ,i am sad1 my companion & fri5d at all times4 ,i talk to h] ( ,*ri/1 & always h done1 j z ,i ?9k ( ,him1 & z if ,i expect$ sympa?y f h] 9 my love to ,him4 ,x 0 ! same ) my d>l+ ,erne/4 ,if ,i requir$ a little self-d5ial1 ,i said *e]fully1 ,?is is h>d1 b do+ x = our be/ ,fri5d sweet5s x1 & _! alacrity 0 pleasant to see4 ,erne/ ?rew 8 :ole s\l into :atev] he did1 & sometimes :5 engag$ 9 play w\ld hesitate a little :5 direct$ to d some?+ else1 su* z c>ry+ a message = me1 & ! l4 ,b if ,i said1 ,if y d ?is *e]fully & pleasantly1 my d>l+1 y d x = ,jesus1 & t w make ,him smile ^u y1 he w\ld inv>iably yield at once4 ,is n ?is ! true1 ! natural way ( l9k+ e little daily act ( a *ild's life ) t ,div9e ,love1 t ,div9e ,life :i* gives mean+ to all ?+s8 ,b :at d ,i mean by ! va9 boa/ t ,i h always tra9$ my *ildr5 ?us8 ,alas6 ,i h done x only at times2 = :ile my !ory 0 s\nd1 my temp] ( m9d 0 b too (t5 uns\nd4 ,i 0 (t5 & (t5 impati5t ) my de> little boy2 (t5 my tone 0 a worldly "o2 ,i (t5 full ( eag] int]e/ 9 m]e outside ?+s1 & =got t ,i 0 liv+ or t my *ildr5 7 liv+ save = ! pres5t mom5t4 ,x seems n[ t ,i h a *ild 9 heav51 & am b\nd to ! invisible _w by su* a tie t ,i c nev] aga9 be entirely absorb$ by ?is4 ,i fancy my ard5t1 eag] little boy z hav+ "s su* employm5ts 9 8 new & happy home z he _h "h4 ,i see him lov+ ,him :o took *ildr5 9 ,8 arms & bless$ !m1 ) all ! w>m? ( :i* 8 nature is capable1 & z p]haps employ$ z "o ( ^? mess5g]s :om ,god s5ds =? z ,8 m9i/]s4 ,= ,i _c ?9k ( ^? active feet1 ^? busy h&s z always quiet4 ,ah1 my d>l+1 t ,i c\ld look 9 ^u y = a mom5t1 a s+le mom5t1 & cat* "o ( y\r radiant smiles2 j "o6 ,,augu/ #d4-;,h[ full are ,david's ,psalms ( ! cry ( ! suff]]6 ,he mu/ h exp]i5c$ e k9d ( bodily & m5tal torture4 ,he gives mo/ vivid illu/rations ( ! wa/+1 we>+ process ( disease-= in/ance1 :at a contra/ is ! picture we h ( him :5 he 0 ruddy1 & )al ( a beautiful c\nt5ance1 & goodly to look to1 & ! "o he pa9ts ( himself 9 aft] ye>s1 :5 he says1 ,i may tell all my bones !y look & />e ^u me2 my days are l a %ad[ t decl9e?1 & ,i am )]$ l grass4 ,i am we>y ) groan+2 all ! night make ,i my b$ to swim2 ,i wat] my c\* ) my te>s4 ,= my s\l is full ( tr\bles2 & my life drawe? ne> unto ! grave4 ,& !n :at wails ( angui% are ^!6 ,i am afflict$1 & ready to die f my y\? up1 :ile ,i suff] ?y t]rors ,i am di/ract$4 ,?y wra? lie? h>d ^u me & ?\ ha/ afflict$ me ) all ?y waves4 ,all ?y waves & ?y bill[s h gone ov] me4 ,lov] & fri5d ha/ ?\ put f> f me1 & m9e acqua9tance into utt] d>kness4 ,yet ?r\gh x all :at grateful joy 9 ,god1 :at expressions ( liv+ fai? & devotion6 ,dur+ my long illness & conf9em5t to my room1 ! ,bible has be5 almo/ a new book to me1 & ,i see t ,god has always dealt ) ,8 *ildr5 z ,he deals ) !m n[1 & t no new ?+ has befall5 me4 ,all ^! we>y days s full ( languor1 ^! nights s full ( unre/1 h _h _! appo9t$ mission to my s\l4 ,& p]haps ,i h _h no discipl9e s salut>y z ?is =c$ inaction & uselessness1 at a "t :5 y\? & natural en]gy cont9ually cri$ out = room & "w4 ,,augu/ #ae4-;,i dragg$ out my draw+ mat]ials 9 a li/less way ?is morn+1 & began to sket* ! beautiful sc5e f my w9d[4 ,at fir/ ,i c\ld n feel int]e/$4 ,x seem$ z if my h& 0 crippl$ & lo/ its cunn+ :5 x unloos$ its grasp ( little ,erne/1 & let him g4 ,b ,i pray$1 z ,i work$1 t ,i might n yield to ! incl9ation to despise & ?r[ away ! gift ) :i* ,god has ,himself end[$ me4 ,"m 0 gratifi$1 & said x re/$ h] to see me act l myself once m4 ,ah1 ,i h be5 v selfi%1 & h be5 f> too mu* absorb$ ) my sorr[ & my illness & my own petty /ruggles4 ,,augu/ #ai4-;,i met to-day an old fri5d1 ,m>ia ,kelly1 :o is m>ri$1 x seems1 & settl$ d[n 9 ?is pretty village4 ,%e ask$ s _m que/ions ab\t my little ,erne/ t ,i _h to tell h] ! :ole /ory ( 8 preci\s life1 sickness & dea?4 ,i =c$ myself to d ?is quietly1 & )\t any great dem& on h] sympa?ies4 ,my rew>d = ! con/ra9t ,i ?us put ^u myself 0 ! abrupt "q3 ,hav5't y gr[n /oical8 ,i felt ! angry blood ru% ?r\gh my ve9s z x has n done 9 a long "t4 ,my pride 0 w\nd$ to ! quick1 & ^? cruel1 unju/ words /ill rankle 9 my he>t4 ,?is is n z x %\ld be4 ,i am con/antly pray+ t my pride may be humbl$1 & !n :5 x is attack$1 ,i %r9k f ! pa9 ! bl[ causes1 & am angry ) ! h& t inflicts x4 ,x is j s ) two or ?ree unk9d ?+s ,m>?a has said to me4 ,i c't help brood+ ov] !m & feel+ /ung ) _! inju/ice1 ev5 :ile mak+ ! mo/ desp]ate /ruggle to rise above & =get !m4 ,x is well = our fell[-creatures t ,god =gives & excuses !m1 :5 we fail to d x1 & ,i c easily fancy t poor ,m>ia ,kelly is at ?is mom5t de>] 9 ,8 sight ?an ,i am :o h tak5 fire at a *ance ^w4 ,& ,i c see n[1 :at ,i wond] ,i did n see at ! "t1 t ,god 0 deal+ v k9dly & wisely ) me :5 ,he made ,m>?a ov]look my good qualities1 ( :i* ,i suppose ,i h "s1 z ev]ybody else has1 & call out all my bad ones1 s9ce ! axe 0 ?us laid at ! root ( self-love4 ,& x is pla9 t self-love _c die )\t a fe>ful /ruggle4 ,,may #bf1 #ahdf4-;,h[ long x is s9ce ,i h writt5 9 my j\rnal6 ,we h _h a w9t] full ( c>es1 p]plexities & sicknesses4 ,"m began x by su* a sev]e attack ( inflammatory rheumatism z ,i c\ld n h suppos$ %e c\ld live ?r\gh4 ,h] suff]+s 7 dreadful1 & ,i might almo/ say h] pati5ce 01 = ,i (t5 ?\ght x w\ld be less pa9ful to he> h] groan & compla91 ?an to witness su* h]oic =titude1 su* sweet docility "u ,god's h&4 ,i hope ,i %all nev] =get ! lessons ,i h le>n$ 9 h] sick-room4 ,erne/ says he nev] %all cease to rejoice t %e lives ) u1 & t he c wat* ov] h] heal?4 ,he1 has inde$ be5 l a son to h]1 & ?is has be5 a great solace amid all h] suff]+s4 ,be=e %e 0 able to leave ! room1 poor little ,una 0 pro/rat$ by "o ( h] ill turns1 & is /ill v feeble4 ,! only way 9 :i* %e c be div]t$ is by read+ to h]1 & ,i h done little else ^! two mon?s b hold h] 9 my arms1 s++ little songs & hymns1 tell+ /ories & read+ :at few books ,i c f9d t are unexcit+1 simple1 yet ent]ta9+4 ,my preci\s little d>l+6 ,%e be>s ! yoke 9 h] y\? )\t a fr[n1 b x is agoniz+ to see h] suff] s4 ,h[ mu* easi] x w\ld be to be> all h] physical infirmities myself6 ,i suppose to ^? :o look on f ! outside1 we mu/ appe> l a mo/ unhappy family1 s9ce we h>dly get free f "o tr\ble be=e ano!r /eps 94 ,b ,i see m & m t happ9ess is n dep5d5t on heal? or any o!r outside prosp]ity4 ,we are at peace ) ea* o!r & at peace ) ,god2 ,8 deal+s ) u d n p]plex or puzzle u1 ?\gh we d n pret5d to und]/& !m4 ,on ! o!r h&1 ,m>?a ) absolutely p]fect heal?1 ) a husb& entirely devot$ to h]1 & ) e wi% gratifi$1 yet seems always c>eworn & dissatisfi$4 ,h] s]vants worry h] v life out2 %e misses ! homely h\sehold duties to :i* %e has be5 accu/om$2 & h] consci5ce /umbles at little ?+s1 & ov]looks great] ones4 ,x is v int]e/+1 ,i ?9k1 to /udy diff]5t homes1 z well z ! diff]5t *>act]s t =m !m4 ,amelia's little girls are quiet1 good *ildr51 to :om _! fa!r writes :at ,mr4 ,und]hill & ,m>?a pron\nce beautiful lett]s1 :]e9 he always /yles himself _! brok5-he>t$ b devot$ fa!r4 ,devotion1 to my m9d1 involves self-sacrifice1 & ,i _c reconcile its use1 9 ?is case1 ) ! life ( ease he leads1 :ile all ! c>e ( 8 *ildr5 is ?r[n ^u o!rs4 ,b "s p1 by means ( a few su* phrases1 n only impose ^u !mselves b ^u _! fri5ds1 & pass = p]sons ( great s5sibility4 ,z ,i h be5 conf9$ to ! h\se ne>ly ! :ole w9t]1 ,i h _h to d]ive my spiritual support f books1 & z "m gradually recov]$1 %e enjoy$ ,leighton ) me1 z ,i knew %e w\ld4 ,dr4 ,cabot comes to see u v (t51 b1 ,i d n n[ f9d x possible to get ! in/ruction f him ,i us$ to d4 ,i see t ! ,*ri/ian life mu/ be individual1 z ! natural "* is-& t ,i _c be exactly l ,dr4 ,cabot1 or exactly l ,mrs4 ,campbell1 or exactly l "m1 ?\gh !y all ?ree /imulate & are an inspiration to me4 ,b ,i see1 too1 t ! great po9ts ( simil>ity 9 ,*ri/'s disciples h always be5 ! same4 ,?is is ! te/imony ( all ! good books1 s]mons1 hymns1 &1 memoirs ,i read-t ,god's ways are inf9itely p]fect2 t we are to love ,him = :at ,he is1 & !re=e equally z mu* :5 ,he afflicts z :5 ,he prosp]s u2 t !re is no real happ9ess b 9 do+ & suff]+ ,8 w1 & t ?is life is b a sc5e ( probation ?r\gh :i* we pass to ! real life above4 ,*apt] #ba ,,xxi4 ,,may #cj4 ,,erne/ ask$ me to g ) him to see "o ( 8 pati5ts1 z he (t5 does :5 !re is a lull 9 ! tempe/ at home4 ,we bo? feel t z we h s little money ( our own to give away1 x is a privilege to give :at s]vices & :at *e]+ words we c4 ,z ,i took x = grant$ t we 7 go+ to see "s poor old woman1 ,i put up sev]al little packages ( tea & sug>1 ) :i* ,susan ,gre5 always keeps me suppli$1 & add$ a bottle ( my own raspb]ry v9eg>1 :i* nev] comes amiss1 ,i f9d1 to old p4 ,erne/ drove to ! door ( an ari/ocratic-look+ h\se1 & help$ me to alight 9 8 usual sil5ce4 ,x is probably "o ( ! s]vants we are go+ to visit1 ,i ?\ght1 )9 myself2 b ,i am surpris$ at 8 br++ me4 ,! family may n approve x4 ,! next ?+ ,i knew ,i f\nd myself be+ introduc$ to a beautiful1 brilliant "y lady1 :o sat 9 a :eel-*air l a que5 on a ?rone 9 a room full ( ta/eful ornam5ts1 fl[]s & birds4 ,n[1 ,i _h come away j z ,i 01 :5 ,erne/ call$ me1 & t 0 means a v pla9 g+ham dress :]e9 ,i _h be5 d>n+ /ock+s all ! morn+4 ,i suppose a sa9t w\ldn't h c>$ = t1 b ,i did1 & = a mom5t /ood ! picture ( confusion1 my h&s full ( oddly %ap$ p>cels & my face all 9 a flame4 ,my wife1 ,miss ,clif=d1 ,i he>d ,erne/ say1 & !n ,i caught ! curi\s1 puzzl$ look 9 h] eyes1 :i* said z pla9ly z words c\ld d3 ,:at has ! creature br\ght me8 ,i ask y\r p>don1 ,miss ,clif=d1 ,i said1 ?9k+ x be/ to speak out j ! hone/ tru?1 b ,i suppos$ ! doctor 0 tak+ me to see "s ( 8 old wom51 & s ,i h br\ght y a little tea1 & a little sug>1 & a bottle ( raspb]ry v9eg>6 ,h[ delici\s6 cri$ %e4 ,x really re/s me to meet ) a g5u9e human be+ at la/6 ,:y didn't y make "s /iff1 prim spee*1 in/ead ( tell+ ! tru? out & out8 ,i decl>e ,i mean to keep all y h br\ght me1 j = ! fun ( ! ?+4 ,?is put me at ease1 & ,i =got all ab\t my dress 9 a mom5t4 ,i see y are j :at ! doctor boa/$ y 71 %e w5t on4 ,b he nev] w\ld br+ y to see me be=e4 ,i suppose he has told y :y ,i c\ld n g to see y8 ,to tell ! tru?1 he nev] speaks to me ( 8 pati5ts unless he ?9ks ,i c be ( use to !m4 ,i d>e say ,i d n look mu* l an invalid1 said %e2 b "h ,i am1 ti$ to ?is *air4 ,x is six mon?s s9ce ,i c\ld be> my own weight ^u my feet4 ,i saw !n t ?\gh h] face 0 s bright & full ( color1 h] h& 0 ?9 & transp>5t4 ,b :at a picture %e made z %e sat !re 9 magnific5t beauty1 reliev$ by su* a back-gr\nd ( foliage1 fl[]s1 & arti/ic objects6 ,i told ! doctor ! o!r day t life 0 no?+ b a humbug1 & he said he %\ld br+ me a rem$y aga9/ t false notion ! next "t he came1 & y1 ,i suppose1 are t rem$y1 %e cont9u$4 ,come1 beg92 ,i am ready to take any numb] ( doses4 ,i c\ld only laugh & try to look dagg]s at ,erne/1 :o sat look+ ov] a magaz9e1 app>5tly absorb$ 9 its cont5ts4 ,ah6 %e cri$1 nodd+ h] head sagaci\sly1 ,i knew y w\ld agree ) me4 ,agree ) y 9 call+ life a humbug6 ,i cri$1 n[ fairly ar\s$4 ,dea? itself is n m a reality6 ,i h n tri$ dea? yet1 %e said1 m s]i\sly2 b ,i h tri$ life tw5ty-five ye>s & ,i "k all ab\t x4 ,x is eat1 dr9k1 sleep yawn & be bor$4 ,x is :at %all ,i we>1 :]e %all ,i g1 h[ %all ,i get rid ( ! "t2 x says1 ',h[ d y d8 h[ is y\r husb&8 ,h[ are y\r *ildr58 '-x means1 ',n[ ,i h ask$ all ! conv5tional que/ions1 & ,i don't c>e a fig :at _! answ] may be4' ,?is may be its mean+ to "s p]sons1 ,i repli$1 = in/ance1 to m]e pleasure-seek]s4 ,b ( c\rse x is int]pret$ q diff]5tly by o!rs4 ,to "s x means no?+ b a dull1 hopeless /ruggle ) pov]ty & h>d%ip--& its :ole aspect might be *ang$ to !m1 %\ld ^? :o d n "k :at to d to get rid ( ! "t1 sp5d _! surplus leisure 9 mak+ ?is /ruggle less brutaliz+4 ,yes1 ,i h he>d su* doctr9e1 & at "o "t ,i tri$ *>ity myself4 ,i pick$ up a doz5 or s ( dirty little wret*es out ( ! /reets1 & und]took to clo! & tea* !m4 ,i might z well h tri$ to in/ruct ! *airs 9 my room4 ,besides ! :ole h\se _h to be air$ aft] !y _h gone1 & mamma miss$ two teaspoons & a =k & 0 p]fectly disgu/$ ) ! :ole ?+4 ,!n ,i fell to knitt+ socks = babies1 b !y only occupi$ my h&s1 & my head felt z empty z ev]4 ,mamma took me (f on a j\rney1 z %e always did :5 ,i took to mop+1 & t div]t$ me = a :ile4 ,b aft] t ev]y?+ w5t on 9 ! old way4 ,i got rid ( "p ( ! day by *ang+ my dress1 & putt+ on my pretty ?+s-x is a great ?+ to h a habit ( we>+ "o's ornam5ts1 = in/ance2 & !n 9 ! ev5+ "o c\ld g to ! op]a or ! !at]1 or "s o!r place ( amusem5t1 aft] :i* "o c\ld sleep all ?r\gh ! next morn+1 & s get rid ( t4 ,b ,i _h be5 us$ to su* ?+s all my life1 & !y _h got to be ab\t z flat z flat c be4 ,if ,i _h be5 born a little e>li] 9 ! hi/ory ( ! _w1 ,i w\ld h gone into a conv5t2 b t sort ( ?+ is out ( fa%ion n[4 ,! be/ conv5t1 ,i said1 = a woman is ! seclusion ( h] own home4 ,!re %e may f9d vocation & fight h] battles1 & !re %e may le>n ! reality & ! e>ne/ness ( life4 ,p%aw6 cri$ %e4 ,excuse me1 h[ev]1 say+ t2 b "s ( ! mo/ brilliant girls ,i "k h settl$ d[n into m]e m>ri$ wom5 & sp5d _! :ole "t 9 nurs+ babies6 ,?9k h[ belittl+6 ,is x m s ?an sp5d+ x 9 dress+1 driv+1 danc+1 & ! l8 ,( c\rse x is4 ,i _h a fri5d once :o %one l a /> 9 society4 ,%e m>ri$1 & *ildr5 z fa/ z %e c\ld4 ,well6 :at consequ5ce8 ,%e lo/ h] beauty1 lo/ h] _s & animation1 lo/ h] y\?1 & lo/ h] heal?4 ,! only e>?ly ?+s %e c talk ab\t are tee?+1 diet+1 & ! measles6 ,i laugh$ at ?is exagg]ation1 & look$ r\nd to see :at ,erne/ ?\ght ( su* talk4 ,b he _h disappe>$4 ,z y h spok5 pla9ly to me1 kn[+1 me1 to be a wife & a "m1 y mu/ all[ me to 'speak pla9ly 9 return1 ,i began4 ,oh1 speak pla9ly1 by all means6 ,i am q sick & tir$ ( hav+ tru? s]v$ up 9 p9k cotton1 & sc5t$ ) lav5d]4 ,!n y w p]mit me to say t :5 y speak contemptu\sly ( ! vocation ( mat]nity1 y di%onor1 n only ! "m :o bore y1 b ! ,"l ,jesus ,himself1 :o *ose to be born ( woman1 & to be m9i/]$ unto by h] ?r\gh a helpless infancy4 ,miss ,clif=d 0 a little />tl$4 ,h[ t]ribly 9 e>ne/ y are6 %e said4 ,x is pla9 t to y1 at any rate1 life is inde$ no humbug4 ,i ?\ght ( my de> ones1 ( ,erne/1 ( my *ildr51 ( "m1 & ( ,james1 & ,i ?\ght ( my love to !m & ( !irs to me4 ,& ,i ?\ght ( ,him :o alone gives reality to ev5 su* joys z ^!4 ,my face mu/ h be5 illum9at$ by ! ?\ght1 = %e dropp$ ! bant]+ tone %e _h us$ hi!rto1 & ask$1 ) real e>ne/ness3 ,:at is x y "k1 & t ,i d n "k1 t makes y s satisfi$1 :ile ,i am s dissatisfi$8 ,i hesitat$ be=e ,i answ]$1 feel+ z ,i nev] felt be=e h[ ignorant1 h[ unfit to lead o!rs1 ,i really am4 ,!n ,i said3 ,p]haps y ne$ to "k ,god1 to "k ,*ri/8 ,%e look$ disappo9t$ & tir$4 ,s ,i came away1 fir/ promis+1 at h] reque/1 to g to see h] aga94 ,i f\nd ,erne/ j driv+ up1 & told him :at _h pass$4 ,he li/5$ 9 8 usual sil5ce1 & ,i long$ to h him say :e!r ,i _h spok5 wisely & well4 ,,june #a4-;,i h be5 to see ,miss ,clif=d aga9 & made "m g ) me4 ,miss ,clif=d took a fancy to h] at once4 ,ah6 %e said1 aft] "o glance at ! de>1 lov+ face1 nobody ne$ tell me t y are good & k9d4 ,b ,i am a little afraid ( good p4 ,i fancy !y are always criticis+ me & expect+ me to imitate _! p]fection4 ,p]fection does n exact p]fection1 0 "m's answ]4 ,i w\ld r be judg$ by an angel ?an by a man4 ,& !n "m l$ h] on1 little by little1 & mo/ adroitly1 to talk ( h]self & ( h] /ate ( heal?4 ,%e is an orphan & lives 9 ?is great1 /ately h\se alone ) h] s]vants4 ,until %e 0 laid aside by ! /ate pf h] heal?1 %e liv$ 9 ! _w & ( x4 ,n[ %e is a prison]1 & prison]s h "t to ?9k4 ,"h ,i sit1 %e said1 all day long4 ,i nev] 0 fond ( /ay+ at home1 or ( read+1 & ne$lework ,i absolutely hate4 ,9 fact1 ,i d n "k h[ to sew4 ,"s su* pretty1 fem99e "w might beguile y ( a few ( ! long h\rs ( ^! long days1 said "m4 ,"o c't be always read+4 ,b a lady came to see me1 a ,mrs4 ,goodhue1 "o ( y\r good sort1 ,i suppose1 & %e prea*$ me q a s]mon on ! employm5t ( "t4 ,%e said ,i _h a solemn admonition ( ,provid5ce1 & ought to devote myself entirely to religion4 ,i _h j begun to be int]e/$ 9 a bit ( embroid]y1 b %e fright5$ me out ( x4 ,b ,i c't be> su* dreadfully good p1 ) faces a mile long4 ,"m made h] produce ! coll>1 or :atev] x 01 %[$ h] h[ to hold h] ne$le & arrange h] patt]n1 & !y bo? got s absorb$ 9 x t ,i _h leisure to look at "s ( ! beautiful ?+s ) :i* ! room 0 full4 ,make ! object ( y\r life "r1 ,i he>d "m say1 at la/1 & ^! little details w take c>e ( !mselves4 ,b ,i hav5't any object1 ,miss ,clif=d object$1 unless x is to get ?r\gh ^! t$i\s days someh[4 ,be=e ,i 0 tak5 ill my *ief object 0 to make myself attractive to ! p ,i met4 ,& ! easie/ way to d t 0 to dress becom+ly & make myself look z well z ,i c\ld4 ,i suppose1 said "m1 t mo/ girls c\ld say ! same4 ,!y h an in/9ctive desire to please1 & !y take :at !y conceive to be ! %orte/ & easie/ road to t end4 ,x requires no tal5t1 no education1 no ?\ght to dress ta/efully2 ! mo/ empty-he>t$ frivol\s "y p]son c d x1 provid$ %e has money en\gh4 ,^? :o c't get ! money make up = x by fe>ful exp5diture ( preci\s "t4 ,!y plan1 !y cut1 !y fit1 !y rip1 !y trim till !y c appe> 9 society look+ exactly l ev]ybody else4 ,!y ?9k ( no?+1 talk ( no?+ b h[ ?is %all be fa%ion$ & t be trimm$2 & z to _! hair1 ,satan uses x z 8 favorite net1 & cat*es !m 9 x e day ( _! lives4 ,b ,i nev] cut or trimm$1 said ,miss ,clif=d4 ,no1 because y c\ld af=d to h x done = y4 ,b y ackn[l$ge t y sp5t a great deal ( "t 9 dress+ because y ?\ght t ! easie/ way ( mak+ y\rself attractive4 ,b x does n foll[ t ! easie/ way is ! be/ way1 & sometimes ! longe/ way r\nd is ! %orte/ way home4 ,= in/ance8 ,well1 let u imag9e a "y lady1 liv+ 9 ! _w z y say y liv$4 ,%e has nev] s]i\sly reflect$ on any subject "o half h\r 9 h] life4 ,%e has be5 borne on by ! curr5t & let x take h] :]e x w\ld4 ,b at la/ "s influ5ce is br\ght to be> ^u h] :i* leads h] to /op to look ab\t h] & to ?9k4 ,%e f9ds h]self 9 a _w ( s]i\s1 mom5t\s ev5ts4 ,%e see %e _c live 9 x1 0 n meant to live 9 x =ev]1 & t h] :ole unkn[n future dep5ds on :at %e is1 n on h[ %e looks4 ,%e beg9s to ca/ ab\t = "s plan ( life1 & ?is leads--- ,a plan ( life8 ,miss ,clif=d int]rupt$4 ,i nev] he>d ( su* a ?+4 ,yet y w\ld smile at an ar*itect1 :o hav+ a noble /ructure to build1 %\ld beg9 to "w on x 9 a haphaz>d way1 putt+ 9 a brick "h & a /one !re1 weav+ 9 /raws & /icks if !y come to h&1 & :5 ask$ on :at "w he 0 engag$1 & :at mann] ( build+ he int5d$ to erect1 %\ld reply he _h no plan1 b ?\ght some?+ w\ld come ( x4 ,miss ,clif=d made no reply4 ,%e sat ) h] head re/+ on h] b&1 look+ dreamily be=e h]1 a truly beautiful1 b unconsci\s picture4 ,i too1 began to reflect1 t :ile ,i _h really aim$ to make ! mo/ out ( life1 ,i _h n done x me?odically or intellig5tly4 ,we are go+ to try to /ay 9 t[n ?is summ]4 ,hi!rto ,erne/ w\ld n li/5 to my sugge/ion ( :at an economy ?is w\ld be4 ,he always said ?is w\ld turn out any?+ b an economy 9 ! end4 ,b n[ we h no tee?+ baby2 little ,raymond is a /rong1 heal?y *ild1 & ,una rem>kably well = h]1 & money is s sl[ to come 9 & s fa/ to g out4 ,:at discom=ts we suff] 9 ! c\ntry x w\ld take a book to write d[n1 & "h we %all h our own home1 z usual4 ,i %all n h to be sep>at$ f ,erne/1 & %all h leisure to devote to two v int]e/+ p :o mu/ /ay 9 t[n all ! ye> r\nd1 no matt] :o goes out ( x4 ,i mean de> ,mrs4 ,campbell & ,miss ,clif=d1 :o bo? attract me1 ?\gh 9 su* diff]5t ways4 ,*apt] #bb ,,xxii4 ,,octob]4 ,,well1 ,i _h my own way1 & ,i am afraid x has be5 an unwise "o1 = ?\gh ,i h enjoy$ ! leisure af=d$ by ev]ybody be+ out ( t[n1 & ! opportunity x has giv5 me to devote myself to ! v sweete/ "w on e>?1 ! c>e ( my d>l+ little ones1 ! heat & ! /ifl+ atmosph]e h be5 try+ = me & = !m4 ,my pretty ,rose w5t la/ ,may1 to bloom 9 a home ( h] own1 s ,i ?\ght ,i w\ld n look = a nurse1 b take ! :ole c>e ( !m myself4 ,?is w\ld n be mu* ( a task to a /rong p]son1 b ,i am n /rong1 & a great deal ( ! "t j dress+ !m & tak+ !m out to walk has exhau/$ me4 ,!n all ! m5d+ & o!r sew+ mu/ be done1 & ) ! ov]-ex]tion creeps 9 ! fretful tone1 ! impati5t ^w4 ,yet ,i nev] c be z impati5t ) little *ildr5 z ,i %\ld be b = ! remembrance t ,i %\ld c\nt x only a joy to m9i/] once m to my d>l+ boy1 co/ :at we>9ess x might4 ,b n[ new c>es are at h&1 & ,i h be5 se>*+ = a p]son to :om ,i c safely tru/ my *ildr5 :5 ,i am laid aside4 ,?us f> ,i h _h1 9 ?is capacity1 ?ree diff]5t ,temptations 9 human =m4 ,! fir/1 a sm>t1 tidy-look+ woman1 in=m$ me at ! outset t %e 0 p]fectly compet5t to take ! :ole *>ge ( ! *ildr51 & %\ld pref] my att5d+ to my own affairs :ile %e att5d$ to h]s4 ,i repli$ t my affairs lay *iefly 9 c>+ = & be+ ) my *ildr52 to :i* %e return$ t %e fe>$ ,i %\ld n suit h]1 z %e _h h] own views conc]n+ ! tra9+ ( *ildr54 ,%e add$1 ) condesc5sion1 t at all ev5ts %e %\ld expect 9 any case ( diff]5ce 7( judgm5t7 betwe5 u1 t ,i1 be+ ! y\ng] & lea/ exp]i5c$ ( ! two1 %\ld always yield to h]4 ,%e !n w5t on to give me h] views on ! subject ( nurs]y managem5t4 ,9 ! fir/ place1 %e said1 ,i nev] pet or fondle *ildr54 ,x makes !m babyi% & sickly4 ,oh1 ,i see y w n suit me1 ,i cri$4 ,y ne$ g no f>!r4 ,i consid] love ! be/ educator = a little *ild4 ,inde$1 ,i ?9k ,i %all suit y p]fectly1 %e repli$1 no?+ daunt$4 ,i h be5 9 ! bus9ess tw5ty ye>s1 & h always suit$ :]ev] ,i liv$4 ,y w be surpris$ to see h[ mu* sew+ ,i %all accompli%1 & h[ quiet ,i %all keep ! *ildr54 ,b ,i don't want !m kept quiet1 ,i p]si/$4 ,i want !m to be z m]ry & *e]ful z crickets1 & ,i c>e a great deal m to h !m amus$ ?an to h ! sew+ done1 ?\gh t is important1 ,i confess4 ,v well1 ma'am1 ,i w sit & rock !m by ! h\r if y wi% x4 ,b ,i don't wi% x1 ,i cri$1 exasp]at$ at ! coolness :i* gave h] su* an advantage ov] me4 ,let u say no m ab\t x2 y d n suit me1 & ! soon] we "p ! bett]4 ,i mu/ be mi/ress ( my own h\se1 & ,i want no advice 9 relation to my *ildr54 ,i %all h>dly leave y be=e y w regret p>t+ ) me1 %e return$1 9 a placid1 pity+1 way4 ,i 0 afraid ,i _h n be5 q dignifi$ 9 my int]view ) ?is p]son1 ) :om ,i ought to h _h no discussion1 & my equanimity 0 n re/or$ by h] %ak+ h&s ) me a patroniz+ way at p>t+1 & express+ ! hope t ,i %\ld "o day be a gre5 tree 9 ! ,p>adise ( ,god4 ,nor 0 x any too great a consolation to f9d t %e _h sugge/$ to my cook t my intellect 0 n q s\nd4 ,temptation ! second confess$ t %e knew no?+1 b 0 will+ to be taught4 ,yes1 %e might be will+1 b %e c\ld n be taught4 ,%e c\ld n see :y ,h]b]t %\ld n h ev]y?+ he *ose to cry =1 nor :y %e %\ld n take ! *ildr5 to ! kit*5s :]e h] fri5ds abode1 in/ead ( keep+ !m out 9 ! air4 ,%e c\ld n und]/& :y %e mu/ n tell ,una e half h\r t %e 0 z fair z a lily1 & t ! little angels 9 heav5 cri$ = su* hair z h]s4 ,& !re 0 no rhyme or reason1 to h] m9d1 :y %e c\ld n h h] fri5ds visit 9 h] nurs]y1 s9ce1 z %e decl>$1 ! cook w\ld he> all h] secrets if %e receiv$ !m 9 ! kit*54 ,h] assurance t %e ?\ght me a v nice lady1 & t !re nev] 7 two su* *ildr5 z m9e1 fail$ to move my h>d he>t1 & ,i 0 ?ankful :5 ,i got h] out ( ! h\se4 ,temptation ! ?ird appe>$1 = a "t1 ! p]fection ( a nurse4 ,%e kept h]self & ! nurs]y & ! *ildr5 9 mo/ refre%+ ord]2 %e amus$ ,una :5 %e 0 m ?an usually unwell ) a p]fect fund ( innoc5t /ories2 ! "w flew f h] nimble f+]s z if by magic4 ,i boa/$ ev]y:]e ( my good luck1 & sang h] praises 9 ,erne/'s e>s till he believ$ 9 h] ) all 8 he>t4 ,b "o night we 7 out late2 we _h be5 sp5d+ ! ev5+ at ,aunty's1 & came 9 ) ,erne/'s night-key z quietly z possible1 9 ord] n to ar\se ! *ildr54 ,i /ole s(tly to ! nurs]y to see if all 0 go+ on well !re4 ,bridget1 x seems1 _h tak5 ! opportunity to wa% h] clo!s 9 ! nurs]y1 & !y hung all ab\t ! room dry+1 a hot fire rag+ = ! purpose4 ,9 ! mid/ ( !m1 ) a c&le & pray]-book on a *air1 ,bridget knelt fa/ asleep1 ! c&le )9 an in* ( h] sleeve4 ,h] assurance :5 ,i ar\s$ h] t %e 0 n asleep1 b m]ely rapt 9 devotion1 did n s(t5 my h>d he>t1 nor 0 ,i mov$ by ! repres5tation t %e 0 a sa9t1 & always wore black on t acc\nt4 ,i pack$ h] (f 9 any?+ b a sa9tly frame1 & felt t a f\r? ,temptation w\ld scatt] :at little grace ,i possess$ to ! f\r w9ds4 ,^! *anges up/airs made discord2 too1 bel[4 ,my cook 0 displeas$ at s mu* com+ & go+1 & made ! kit*5 a sort ( a purgatory :i* ,i dread$ to ent]4 ,at la/1 :5 h] temp] fairly ran away ) h]1 & %e became imp]t95t to ! la/ degree1 ,i said1 coolly3 ,if any lady %\ld speak to me 9 ?is way ,i %\ld res5t x4 ,b no lady w\ld s f> =get h]self4 ,& ,i ov]look y\r rud5ess on ! gr\nd t y d n "k bett] ?an to use ( su* expressions4 ,?is capp$ ! climax6 ,%e decl>$ t %e _h nev] be5 told be=e t %e 0 no & did n "k h[ to behave1 & gave w>n+ at once4 ,i wi% ,i c\ld help runn+ to tell ,erne/ all ^! annoyances4 ,x does no good1 & only worries him4 ,b h[ mu* ( a woman's life is made up ( su* trials & provocations6 & h[ easy is :5 on "o's knees to be> !m aright1 & h[ f> easi] to be> !m wrong :5 "o f9ds ! coal go+ too fa/1 ! butt] out j z sitt+ d[n to breakfa/1 ! potatoes wat]y & ! bread s\r or heavy6 ,& !n :5 "o is well nigh desp]ate1 does "o's husb& fail to say1 9 bl& tones3 ,my de>1 if y w\ld j speak to ,bridget1 ,i am sure %e w\ld improve4 ,oh1 t !re 7 inde$ magic 9 a spok5 ^w6 ,& d :at ,i c1 ! money ,erne/ gives me w n hold out4 ,he kn[s absolutely no?+ ab\t t hydra-head$ mon/]1 a h\sehold4 ,i h _h to g back to sew+ z furi\sly z ev]4 ,& ) ! sew+ ! old pa9 9 ! side has come back1 & ! %>p1 quick spee* t ,i hate1 &1 t ,erne/ hates1 & t ev]ybody hates4 ,i groan1 be+ burd5$1 & am almo/ we>y ( my life4 ,& my pray]s are all mix$ up ) worldly ?\ghts & c>es4 ,i am appall$ at all ! ?+s t h got to be done be=e w9t]1 & am tempt$ to cut %ort my devotions 9 ord] to h m "t to accompli% :at ,i mu/ accompli%4 ,h[ h ,i got into ?is sl\gh8 ,:5 0 x t ,i came d[n f ! ,m\nt :]e ,i _h se5 ! ,"l1 & came back to make ^! mis]able1 petty ?+s z mu* my bus9ess z ev]8 ,oh1 ^! fluctuations 9 my religi\s life amaze me6 ,i _c d\bt t ,i am really ,god's *ild2 x w\ld be di%onor to ,him to d\bt x4 ,i _c d\bt t ,i h held z real communion ) ,him z ) any e>?ly fri5d-& oh1 x has be5 f> sweet]6 ,,oct4 #bj4-;,i made a p>t+ visit to ,mrs4 ,campbell to-day1 &1 z usual1 h come away /r5g!n$ & refre%$4 ,%e said all sorts ( k9d ?+s to *e] & enc\rage me1 & /imulat$ me to take up ! burd5 ( life *e]fully & pati5tly1 j z x comes4 ,%e assures me t ^! fluctuations ( feel+ w by degrees give place to a calm] life1 especially if ,i avoid1 s f> z ,i c d x1 all unnecess>y "w1 di/raction & hurry4 ,& a few quiet1 re/+ words f h] h giv5 me c\rage to press on t[>d p]fection1 no matt] h[ mu* imp]fection ,i see 9 myself & o!rs4 ,& n[ ,i am wait+ = my ,fa!r's next gift1 & ! new c>es & labors x w br+ ) x4 ,i am glad x is n left = me to decide my own lot4 ,i am afraid ,i %\ld nev] see precisely ! "r mom5t = welcom+ a new bird into my ne/1 de>ly z ,i love ! ru/le ( _! w+s & ! s\nd ( _! voices :5 !y d come4 ,& surely ,he kn[s ! "r mom5ts :o kn[s all my /ruggles ) a c]ta9 sort ( pov]ty1 poor heal? & dome/ic c>e4 ,if ,i c\ld feel t all ! "t1 z ,i d at ?is mom5t1 h[ happy ,i %\ld always be6 ,,janu>y #af1 #ahdg4-,?is is ! t5? anniv]s>y ( our w$d+ day1 & x has be5 a delightful "o4 ,if ,i 7 call$ ^u to decl>e :at has be5 ! *ief elem5t ( my happ9ess1 ,i %\ld say x 0 n ,erne/'s love to me or m9e to him1 or t ,i am once m ! "m ( ?ree *ildr51 or t my own de> "m /ill lives1 ?\gh ,i revel 9 ea* & all ( ^!4 ,b und]nea? !m all1 deep]1 /rong] ?an all1 lies a peace ) ,god t ,i c comp>e to no o!r joy1 :i* ,i gu>d z ,i w\ld gu>d hid treasure1 & :i* mu/ abide if all ?+s else pass away4 ,my baby is two mon?s old1 & h] "n is ,e!l4 ,! ?ree *ildr5 toge!r =m a beautiful picture :i* ,i am nev] tir$ ( admir+4 ,b !y w n give me mu* "t = writ+4 ,?is little new com] takes all !re1 is ( me4 ,"m br+s me pleasant reports ( ,miss ,clif=d1 :o "u h] g5tle1 wise influ5ce is becom+ an e>ne/ ,*ri/ian1 already rejoic+ 9 ! ,provid5ce t arre/$ h] :]e x did1 & =c$ h] to reflection4 ,"m says we ought to /udy ,god's provid5ce m ?an we d s9ce ,he has a mean+ & a purpose 9 ev]y?+ ,he does4 ,sometimes ,i c d ?is & f9d x a s\rce ( great happ9ess4 ,!n worldly c>es seem m]e worldly c>es1 & ,i =get t ,8 wise1 k9d h& is 9 e "o ( !m4 ,,febru>y4-,hel5 has be5 sp5d+ ! :ole day ) me1 z %e (t5 does1 help+ me ) h] skillful ne$le1 & ) ! *ildr51 9 a v sweet way4 ,i am almo/ a%am$ to indulge 9 writ+ d[n h[ de>ly %e seems to love me1 & h[ dispos$ %e is to sit at my feet z a le>n] at ! v mom5t ,i am long+ to possess h] sweet1 g5tle temp]4 ,b "o ?+ puzzles me1 9 h]1 & t is ! difficulty %e f9ds 9 gett+ hold ( ^! simple tru?s h] fa!r us$ to grope aft] b nev] f\nd till j z he 0 pass+ out ( ! _w4 ,x seems z if ,god _h comp5sat$ su* turbul5t1 fi]y natures z m9e1 by reveal+ ,himself to !m1 = ! t]rible h\rs ( %ame & sorr[ ?r\gh :i* _! s9s & follies cause !m to pass4 ,i suff] f> m ?an ,hel5 does1 suff] bitt]ly1 pa9fully1 b ,i enjoy t5-fold m4 ,= ,i "k :om ,i h believ$1 & ,i _c d\bt t ,i am truly unit$ to ,him4 ,hel5 is naturally v res]v$1 b by degrees %e has come talk ) me q frankly4 ,to-day z we sat toge!r 9 ! nurs]y1 little ,raymond snat*$ a toy f ,una1 :o1 z usual1 yield$ to him )\t a fr[n4 ,i call$ him to me2 he came reluctantly4 ,raymond1 de>1 ,i said1 did y ev] see papa snat* any?+ f me8 ,he smil$1 & %ook 8 head4 ,well !n1 until y see him d x to me1 nev] d x to y\r si/]4 ,m5 are g5tle & polite to wom51 & little boys %\ld be g5tle & polite to little girls4 ,! *ildr5 ran (f to _! play1 & ,hel5 said1 ,n[ h[ diff]5t t is f my "m's managem5t ) u6 ,%e always made u girls yield to ! boys4 ,!y w\ld n h ?\ght !y c\ld g up to b$ unless "o ( u got a c&le = !m4 ,t1 ,i suppose1 is ! reason !n t ,erne/ expect$ me to wait ^u him aft] we 7 m>ri$1 ,i repli$4 ,i 0 a little /iff ab\t yield+ to him1 = besides "m's precepts1 ,i 0 influ5c$ by my fa!r's example4 ,he 0 s c\rte\s1 treat+ h] ) z mu* respect z if %e 7 a que51 & yet ) z mu* love z if 7 always a girl4 ,i naturally expect$ ! l f my husb&4 ,y mu/ h be5 disappo9t$ !n1 %e said4 ,yes1 ,i 04 ,x co/ me a good _m p\ts & te>s ( :i* ,i am n[ a%am$4 ,& ,erne/ seldom annoys me n[ ) ! little neglects t ,i us$ to make s mu* (4 ,sometimes ,i ?9k !re are no 'little' neglects1 said ,hel54 ,x takes less ?an no?+ to annoy u4 ,& x takes m ?an ev]y?+ to please u6 ,i cri$4 ,b ,erne/ & ,i _h "o /ronghold to :i* we always fl$ 9 our tr\bl\s times1 & t 0 our love = ea* o!r4 ,no matt] h[ he provok$ me by 8 little he$less ways1 ,i _h to =give him because ,i lov$ him s4 ,& he _h to =give me my faults = ! same reason4 ,i _h no idea husb&s & wives lov$ ea* o!r s1 said ,hel54 ,i ?\ght !y got ov] x z soon z _! c>es & tr\bles came on1 & j jogg$ on toge!r1 someh[4 ,we bo? laugh$ & %e w5t on4 ,if ,i ?\ght ,i %\ld be z happy z y are1 ,i %\ld be tempt$ to be m>ri$ myself4 ,ah1 ,i ?\ght y\r "t w\ld come6 ,i cri$4 ,don't ask me any que/ions1 %e said1 h] pretty face gr[+ pretti] ) a bright2 w>m gl[4 ,give me advice in/ead2 = in/ance1 tell me h[ ,i c be sure t if ,i love a man ,i %all g on lov+ him ?r\gh all ! we> & te> ( m>ri$ life & h[ c ,i be sure he c & w g on lov+ me8 ,well1 !n1 sett+ aside ! fact t y are bo? lovable & lov+1 ,i w say ?is3 ,happ9ess1 9 o!r words love1 9 m>ri$ life is n a m]e accid5t4 ,:5 ! union has be5 =m$1 z mo/ ,*ri/ian unions are1 by ,god ,himself1 x is ,8 int5tion & ,8 w t x %all prove ! unspeakable joy ( bo? husb& & wife1 & become m & m s f ye> to ye>4 ,b we are imp]fect creatures1 wayw>d & fooli% z little *ildr51 horribly unreasonable1 selfi% & willful4 ,we are n capable ( endur+ ! %ock ( f9d+ at e turn t our idol is made ( clay1 & t x is prone to tumble (f its p$e/al & lie 9 ! du/1 till we pick x up & set x 9 its place aga94 ,i 0 /ruck ) ,erne/'s ask+ 9 ! v fir/ pray] he (f]$ 9 my pres5ce1 aft] our m>riage1 t ,god w\ld help u love ea* o!r4 ,i felt t love 0 ! v f\ndation on :i* ,i 0 built1 & t !re 0 no dang] t ,i %\ld ev] fall %ort 9 giv+ to my husb& all he want$1 9 full measure4 ,b z he w5t on day aft] day repeat+ ?is pray]1 & ,i naturally made x ) him1 ,i came to see t ?is mo/ preci\s ( e>?ly bless+s _h be5 & mu/ be ,god's gift1 & t :ile we bo? look$ at x 9 t light1 & felt our dep5d5ce on ,him = x1 we might safely enc\nt] toge!r all ! assaults made ^u u by ! _w1 ! fle%1 & ! devil4 ,i believe we owe x to ?is con/ant pray] t we h lov$ ea* o!r s uni=mly & ) su* gr[+ com=t 9 ea* o!r2 s t our little discords always h end$ 9 fre% accord1 & our love has felt consci\s ( re/+ on a rock & t t rock 0 ! w ( ,god4 ,x is pla91 !n1 said ,hel51 t y & ,erne/ are sure ( "o s\rce ( happ9ess z long z y live1 :atev] vicissitudes y may meet )4 ,i ?ank y s mu* = :at y h said4 ,! fact is y h be5 br\ght up to c>ry religion into ev]y?+4 ,b ,i 0 n4 ,my "m 0 z good z %e 0 lovely1 b ,i ?9k %e felt & taught u to feel1 t we 7 to put x on z we did our ,sunday clo!s1 & to we> x1 z we did !m1 c>efully & rev]5tly1 b ) pretty long1 grave faces4 ,b y mix ev]y?+ up s1 t :5 ,i am ) y ,i nev] "k :e!r y are mo/ l or mo/ unlike o!r p4 ,& y\r "m is j s4 ,b y =get t x is to ,erne/ ,i owe my be/ ideas ab\t m>ri$ life2 ,i don't rememb] ev] talk+ ) my "m or any "o else on ! subject4 ,& z to c>ry+ religion into ev]y?+1 h[ c "o help x if "o's religion is a vital "p ( "o's self1 n a cloak put on to g to *ur* 9 & hang up out ( ! way aga9/ next ,sunday8 ,hel5 laugh$4 ,%e has ! m]rie/1 yet g5tle/ little laugh "o c imag9e4 ,i long to "k :o x is t has be5 s =tunate z to t\* h] he>t6 ,,m>*4-,i "k n[1 & glad ,i am6 ,! sly little puss is purr+ at ?is mom5t 9 ,james' arms2 at lea/ ,i suppose %e is1 z ,i h discreetly come up to my room & left !m to !mselves4 ,s x seems ,i h _h all ^! worries ab\t ,lucy = naught4 ,:at made h] s fond ( ,james 0 simply ! fact t a fri5d ( 8 _h look$ on h] ) a favorable eye1 reg>d+ h] z a v prop] "m = f\r or five *ildr5 :o are 9 ne$ ( a %eph]d4 ,yes1 ,lucy is go+ to m>ry a man s mu* old] ?an h]self1 t on a p9* he might h be5 h] fa!r4 ,%e does x f a s5se ( duty1 %e says1 & to a nature l h]s duty may p]haps suffice1 & no cry ( ! he>t h to be /ifl$ 9 its p]=mance4 ,we are all s happy 9 ! happ9ess ( ,james & ,hel5 t we are n 9 ! mood to criticise ,lucy's decision4 ,i h a /range & mo/ absurd envy :5 ,i ?9k :at a good "t !y are hav+ at ?is mom5t d[n/airs1 :ile ,i sit "h alone1 va9ly wi%+ ,i c\ld see m ( ,erne/4 ,j z if my happ9ess 7 n a deep]1 m bless$ "o ?an !irs :i* mu/ be purg$ ( mu* dross be=e x w prove itself to be l f9e gold4 ,yes1 ,i suppose ,i am z happy 9 my de>1 preci\s husb& & *ildr5 z a wife & "m c be 9 a _w1 :i* mu/ n be a real heav5 le/ we %\ld love ! l& we j\rney ?r\gh s well z to want to pit* our t5ts 9 x =ev]1 & cease to look & long = ! home :i!r we are b\nd4 ,james w be m>ri$ almo/ imm$iately1 ,i suppose1 z he sails = ,syria e>ly 9 ,april4 ,h[ mu* a mission>y & 8 wife mu/ be to ea* o!r1 :51 sev]+ !mselves f all !y ev] lov$ be=e1 !y g =?1 h& 9 h&1 n m]ely to be =eign]s 9 hea!n l&s1 b to be h5ce=? /rang]s 9 _! own %\ld !y ev] return to x6 ,hel5 says1 playfully1 t %e has n a mission>y _s1 & is n at all sure t %e %all g ) ,james4 ,b ,i don't ?9k t he feels v anxi\s on t po9t6 ,,m>*4-,x does "o's he>t good to see h[ happy !y are6 ,& x does "o's he>t good to h "o's husb& set up an opposition to ! go+s on by behav+ l a lov] himself4 ,*apt] #bc ,,xxiii4 ,,janu>y #a1 #ahea ,,x is a great :ile s9ce ,i wrote t4 ,god has be5 j z good z ev]2 ,i want to say t be=e ,i say ano!r ^w4 ,b ,he has inde$ smitt5 me v sorely4 ,:ile we 7 9 ! mid/ ( our rejoic+s ab\t ,james & ,hel51 & ! bright future t seem$ op5+ be=e !m1 he came home "o day v ill4 ,erne/ happ5$ to be 9 & att5d$ to him at once4 ,b ! disease 01 at ! v outset1 s viol5t1 & rag$ ) su* absolute fury1 t no rem$ies _h any effect4 ,ev]y?+1 ev5 n[1 seems confus$ 9 my m9d4 ,x seems z if !re 0 a sudd5 transition f ! mo/ brilliant1 joy\s heal?1 to a brief b fe>ful /ruggle = life1 spe$ily foll[$ by ! awful my/]y & /illness ( dea?4 ,is x possible1 ,i /ill ask myself1 t f\r %ort days wr\ght an ev5t ^: consequ5ces mu/ run ?r\gh endless ye>s8--,poor "m6 ,poor ,hel56--,:5 x 0 all ov]1 ,i d n "k :at to say ( "m b t %e behav$ & quiet$ h]self l a wean$ *ild4 ,h] sweet composure aw$ me2 ,i d>$ n give way to my own vehem5t1 t]rible sorr[2 9 ! pres5ce ( ?is ,*ri/-l pati5ce1 all noisy demon/rations seem$ pr(ane4 ,i ?\ght no human be+ 0 less selfi%1 m lov+ ?an %e _h be5 = _m ye>s1 b ! _s t n[ took possession ( h] fl[$ into h] he>t & life directly f t great ,he>t ( love1 ^: dep? ,i _h nev] ev5 begun to s\nd4 ,!re 01 !re=e1 some?+ absolutely div9e 9 h] aspect1 9 ! tones ( h] voice1 9 ! v smile on h] face4 ,we c\ld comp>e its expression to no?+ b ,/eph51 :5 he1 be+ full ( ! ,holy ,gho/1 look$ up /eadfa/ly to heav5 & saw ! glory ( ,god1 & ,jesus /&+ on ! "r h& ( ,god4 ,z soon z ,james 0 gone ,hel5 came to our home2 !re 0 nev] any discussion ab\t x1 %e came naturally to be "o ( u4 ,"m's heal?1 already v frail1 gradually fail$1 & encompass$ z ,i 0 ) c>es1 ,i c\ld n be ) h] con/antly4 ,hel5 took ! place to h] ( a daught]1 & f\nd h]self welcom$ l "o4 ,! atmosph]e 9 :i* we all liv$ 0 "o :i* _c be describ$2 ! love = all ( u & = e liv+ ?+ t fl[$ 9 "m's words & tones pass$ all k4 ,! *ildr5's little joys & sorr[s int]e/$ h] exactly z if %e 0 "o ( !mselves2 !y ran to h] ) e petty grievance1 & e new pleasure4 ,dur+ ! "t %e liv$ ) u %e _h won _m w>m fri5ds1 p>ticul>ly among ! poor & ! suff]+4 ,z h] /r5g? w\ld no long] all[ h] to g to !m1 ^? :o c\ld d s came to h]1 & ,i 0 /ruck to see %e _h ceas$ entirely f giv+ c\nsel1 & n[ gave no?+ b ! mo/ beautiful1 t5d] compassion & sympa?y4 ,i saw t %e 0 fail+1 b flatt]$ myself t h] own s]5ity & our c>e w\ld prolong h] life /ill = _m ye>s4 ,i long$ to h my *ildr5 become old en\gh to fully appreciate h] sanctifi$ "*2 & ,i ?\ght %e w\ld gradually fade away & be set free1 ,z light w9ds w&]+ ?r\gh groves ( bloom1 ,deta* ! delicate blossoms f ! tree4 ,b ,god's ?\ghts are n z our ?\ghts n ,8 ways z our ways4 ,h] feeble body began to suff] f ! rude/ assaults ( pa92 day & night1 night & day1 %e liv$ ?r\gh a m>tyrdom 9 :i* :at might h be5 a lifetime ( suff]+ 0 conc5trat$ into a few mon?s4 ,to witness ^! suff]+s 0 l ! sund]+ ( jo9ts & m>r[1 & once1 only once1 ?ank ,god6 my fai? 9 ,him /agg]$ & reel$ to & fro4 ,h[ c ,he look d[n on su* agonies8 ,i cri$ 9 my secret s\l2 is ?is ! "w ( a ,god ( love1 ( m]cy8 ,"m seem$ to div9e my ?\ghts1 = %e took my h& t5d]ly 9 h]s & said1 ) great difficulty3 ,?\gh ,he slay me1 yet w ,i tru/ 9 ,him4 ,he is j z good z ev]4 ,& %e smil$4 ,i ran away to ,erne/1 cry+1 ,oh1 is !re no?+ y c d = h]8 ,:at %\ld a poor mortal d :]e ,*ri/ has done s mu*1 my d>l+8 he said1 tak+ me 9 8 arms4 ,let u /& aside & see ! glory ( ,god1 ) our %oes f (f our feet4 ,b he w5t to h] ) "o m desp]ate ef=t to relieve h]1 yet 9 va94 ,mrs4 ,embury1 ( :om "m 0 fond1 & :o is always v k9d :5 we are 9 tr\ble1 came 9 j !n1 & aft] look+ on a mom5t 9 te>s %e said to me3 ,god kn[s :om ,he c tru/6 ,he w\ld n lay ,8 h& ?us on all ,8 *ildr54 ,^? few words quiet$ me4 ,yes1 ,god kn[s4 ,& n[ x is all ov]4 ,my preci\s1 preci\s "m has be5 a sa9t 9 heav5 m ?an two ye>s1 & has =gott5 all ! battles %e f\ght on e>?1 & all h] sorr[s & all h] suff]+s 9 ! pres5ce ( h] ,r$eem]4 ,%e knew t %e 0 go+1 & ! la/ words %e utt]$-& !y 7 spok5 ) some:at ( ! playful1 qua9t mann] 9 :i* %e _h spok5 all h] life1 & ) h] own bright smile-/ill s\nd 9 my e>s3 ,i h giv5 ,god a great deal ( tr\ble1 b ,he is driv+ me into pa/ure n[6 ,& !n1 ) h] *eek on h] h&1 %e fell asleep1 & slept on1 till j at sund[n %e awoke to f9d h]self 9 ! gre5 pa/ure1 ! driv+ all ov] = ev] & ev]4 ,:o by se>*+ c f9d out ,god8 ,my de> fa!r ent]$ heav5 aft] a prosp]\s life pa? :]e9 he 0 unconsci\s ( a pang1 & belov$ ,james w5t bright & fre% & unt>ni%$ by conflict /raight to ! ,ma/]'s fea/4 ,b :at a long lifetime ( b]eavem5t1 sorr[1 & suff]+ 0 my d>l+ "m's pa?way to glory6 ,surely h] felicity mu/ be great] ?an !irs1 & ! cr[n %e has won by su* a /ruggle mu/ be bright] ?an ! />s6 ,& ?is cr[n %e is ev5 n[1 :ile ,i sit "h *ok$ ) te>s1 ca/+ joyfully at ! feet ( h] ,savi\r6 ,my sweet si/]1 my preci\s little ,hel51 /ill ne/les 9 our he>ts & 9 our home4 ,m>?a made "o passionate appeal to h] to return to h]1 b ,erne/ int]f]$3 ,let h] /ay ) ,katy1 he said4 ,james w\ld h *os5 to h h] ) ! "o human be+ l himself4 ,does he !n ?9k me1 ) all my faults1 ! languor ( frail heal?1 & ! c>es & burd5s ( life weigh+ ^u me1 en\gh l t sp>kl+1 brave boy to be ( use & com=t to de> ,hel58 ,i take c\rage at ! ?\ght & r\se myself afre%1 to be> on ) fidelity & pati5ce4 ,my /eadfa/ aim n[ is to foll[ 9 my "m's foot/eps2 to imitate h] *e]fulness1 h] b5evol5ce1 h] bright1 inspir+ ways1 & nev] to re/ till 9 place ( my selfi% nature ,i become z full ( ,*ri/'s love z %e became4 ,i am glad %e is at la/ reliev$ f ! k ( all my c>es1 & ?\gh ,i (t5 & (t5 ye>n to ?r[ myself into h] arms & p\r out my c>es & trials into h] sympa?iz+ e>s1 ,i w\ld n h h] back = all ! _w4 ,%e has got away f all ! turmoil & suff]+ ( life2 let h] /ay6 ,! sc5es ( sorr[ ?r\gh :i* we h be5 pass+ h br\ght ,erne/ ne>] to me ?an ev]1 & ,i c see t ?is v>i$ discipl9e has s(t5$ & sweet5$ 8 "*4 ,besides1 we h modifi$ ea* o!r4 ,erne/ is m demon/rative1 m att5tive to ^? little ?+s t make ! happ9ess ( m>ri$ life1 & ,i am less *ildi%1 less vehem5t--,i wi% ,i c\ld say less selfi%1 b "h ,i seem to h come to a /&/ill4 ,b ,i d und]/& ,erne/'s trials 9 8 pr(ession f> bett] ?an ,i did1 & c feel & %[ "s sympa?y 9 !m4 ,( c\rse ! life ( a physician is necess>ily "o ( self-d5ial1 sp5t z x is amid sc5es ( suff]+ & sorr[1 :i* he is (t5 p[]less to alleviate4 ,b !re is besides ! we> & te> ( ye>s ( pov]ty2 8 bills are disput$ or all[$ to run on ye> aft] ye> unnotic$2 he is (t5 dismiss$ because he _c put himself 9 ! place ( ,provid5ce & save life1 & a truly grateful1 g5]\s pati5t is almo/ an unkn[n r>ity4 ,i d n speak ( ^! ?+s to compla9 ( !m4 ,i suppose !y are a necess>y "p ( t :ole provid5tial plan by :i* ,god m\lds & fa%ions & temp]s ! human s\l1 j z my petty1 b incessant h\sehold c>es are4 ,if ,i _h no?+ to d b love my husb& & *ildr5 & p]=m = !m1 )\t let or h9drance1 ! sweet ideal duties ( wife & "m1 h[ cont5t ,i %\ld be to live always 9 ?is _w6 ,b :at w\ld become ( me if ,i 7 n call$1 9 ! pursuit ( ^! duties & 9 contact ) real life1 to be> re/less nights1 ill-heal?1 unwelcome news1 ! faults ( s]vants1 contempt1 +ratitude ( fri5ds1 my own fail+s1 l[ness ( spirits1 ! /ruggle 9 ov]com+ my corruption1 & a score ( k9dr$ trials6 ,bi%op ,wilson *>ges u to be> all ^! ?+s z unto ,god1 & ) ! greate/ privacy4 ,h[ seldom ,i h met !m save z lions 9 my way1 t ,i w\ld avoid if ,i c\ld1 & h[ ,i h torm5t$ my fri5ds by t$i\s compla9ts ab\t !m6 ,yet :5 comp>$ ) ! great trag$ies ( suff]+ ,i h bo? witness$ & suff]$1 h[ petty !y seem6 ,our h\sehold1 b]eft ( "m's & ,james' bright pres5ce1 n[ numb]s j z _m memb]s z x did be=e !y left u4 ,ano!r angel has fl[n into x1 ?\gh n on w+s1 & ,i h f\r d>l+ *ildr51 ! baby1 :o c h>dly be call$ a baby n[1 be+ ne>ly two ye>s old4 ,my h&s & my he>t are full1 b two ( ! *ildr5 g to s*ool1 & t c]ta9ly makes my day's "w easi]4 ,! little ?+s are happi] = hav+ regul> employm5t1 & we are s glad to meet ea* o!r aga9 aft] ! brief sep>ation6 ,i try to be at home :5 x is "t to expect !m1 = ,i love to he> ! eag] voices ask1 9 *orus1 ! mom5t ! door op5s3 ,is mamma at home8 ,hel5 has tak5 ,daisy to sleep ) h]1 :i* aft] s _m ye>s ( ups & d[ns at night1 n[ ) re/less babies1 n[ to answ] ! bell :5 ,erne/ is out1 is a great relief to me4 ,poor ,hel56 ,%e has nev] recov]$ h] *e]fulness s9ce ,james' dea?4 ,x has cru%$ h] en]gies & left h] v sorr[ful4 ,?is is p>tly ow+ to a s(t & t5d] nature1 easily borne d[n & ov]:elm$1 p>tly to :at seems an almo/ con/itutional inability to f9d re/ 9 ,god's w4 ,%e ass5ts to all we say to h] ab\t submission1 9 a sweet1 g5tle way1 & !n comes ! inv>iable1 m\rnful wail1 ,b x 0 s unexpect$6 ,x came s sudd5ly6 ,b ,i love ! little ?+1 & h] affection = u all is "o ( our greate/ com=ts4 ,m>?a is greatly absorb$ 9 h] own h\sehold1 its c>es & its pleasures4 ,%e br+s h] little ,und]hills to see u occasionally1 :5 !y put my *ildr5 q out ( c\nt5ance by _! consci\sness ( ! f9e clo!s !y we>1 & _! k ( ! _w4 ,ev5 ,i f9d x h>d n to feel aba%$ 9 ! pres5ce ( s mu* ( ! sort ( wisdom 9 :i* ,i am lack+4 ,z to ,lucy %e is exactly 9 h] sph]e3 ! calm dignity ) :i* %e reigns 9 h] husb&'s h\se1 & ! mod]ation & self-control ) :i* %e guides 8 *ildr51 are really in/ructive4 ,%e has a baby ( h] own1 & ?\gh x acts j l o!r babies & kicks1 scrat*es1 pulls & cries :5 x is wa%$ & dress$1 %e goes ?r\gh t process ) a s]5ity & delib]ation t ,i envy ) all my might4 ,h] pr$ecessor 9 ! nurs]y 0 all n]ve & bra91 & has left f\r *ildr5 made ( ! same mat]ial beh9d h]4 ,b _! wild spirits on "o day1 & _! depression & languor on ! next1 h no visible effect ^u h]4 ,h] influ5ce is always quiet+2 %e tones d[n _! vehem5ce ) h] own calm decision & practical good s5se4 ,x is amus+ to see h] seat$ among ^? f\r little furies1 :o love ea* o!r 9 su* a di/ract$ way t somebody's feel+s are always gett+ hurt1 & somebody always cry+4 ,by a sort ( magnetic influ5ce %e heals ^! w\nds imm$iately1 & f9ds "s prosaic occupation z an antidote to ^! poetical moods4 ,i confess t ,i am in/ruct$ & reprov$ :5ev] ,i g to see h]1 & wi% ,i 7 m l h]4 ,b !re is no use 9 try+ to engraft an opposite nature on "o's own4 ,:at ,i am1 t ,i mu/ be1 except z ,god *anges me into ,8 own image4 ,& ev]y?+ br+s me back to t1 z my supreme desire4 ,i see m & m t ,i mu/ be myself :at ,i want my *ildr5 to be1 & t ,i _c make myself ov] ev5 = _! sakes4 ,?is mu/ be ,8 "w1 & ,i wond] t x goes on s sl[ly2 t all ! disappo9tm5ts1 sorr[s1 sicknesses ,i h pass$ ?r\gh1 h left me /ill selfi%1 /ill full ( imp]fections4 ,,m>* #e1 #aheb4-,?is is ! six? anniv]s>y ( ,james' dea?4 ,?9k+ x all ov] aft] ,i w5t to b$ la/ night1 8 sickness1 8 dea?1 & ! we>y mon?s t foll[$ = "m1 ,i c\ld n get to sleep till long pa/ midnight4 ,!n ,una woke1 cry+ ) ! e>a*e1 & ,i 0 up till ne>ly daybreak ) h]1 poor *ild4 ,i got up jad$ & depress$1 almo/ ready to fa9t "u ! burd5 ( life1 & dread+ to meet ,hel51 :o is d\bly sad on ^! anniv]s>ies4 ,%e came d[n to breakfa/ dress$ z usual 9 deep m\rn+1 & look+ z spiritless z ,i felt4 ,! prattle ( ! *ildr5 reliev$ ! sombre sil5ce ma9ta9$ by ! re/ ( u1 ea* ( :om act$ depress+ly on ! o!rs4 ,h[ ?+s d fla% into "o's m9d4 ,^! words sudd5ly came to m9e1 z we sat s gloomily at ! table ,god _h spread = u1 & :i* ,he _h enliv5$ by ! f\r "y faces ar\nd x-- ,:y %\ld ! *ildr5 ( a ,k+ ,g m\rn+ all _! days8 ,:y1 inde$8 ,*ildr5 ( a ,k+8 ,i felt griev$ t ,i 0 s int5t on my own sorr[s z to lose sight ( my relation%ip to ,him4 ,& !n ,i ask$ myself :at ,i c\ld d to make ! day less we>isome & sorr[ful to ,hel54 ,%e came1 aft] a "t1 ) h] "w to my room4 ,! *ildr5 took _! good-by kisses & w5t (f to s*ool2 ,erne/ took 81 too1 & set =? on 8 day's "w1 :ile ,daisy play$ quietly ab\t ! room4 ,hel51 de>1 ,i v5tur$ at la/ to beg9 ,i want y to d me a favor to-day4 ,yes1 %e said1 languidly4 ,i want y to g to see ,mrs4 ,campbell4 ,?is is ! day = h] beef-tea1 & %e w be look+ out = "o ( u4 ,y mu/ n ask me to g to-day1 ,hel5 answ]$4 ,i ?9k ,i mu/1 de>4 ,:5 o!r spr+s ( com=t dry up1 !re is "o always left to u4 ,& t2 z "m (t5 said1 is usefulness4 ,i d try to be useful1 %e said4 ,yes1 y are v k9d to me & to ! *ildr54 ,if y 7 my own si/] y c\ld n d m4 ,b ^! little duties d n relieve t a*+ void 9 y\r he>t :i* ye>ns s = relief4 ,no1 %e said1 quickly1 ,i h no su* ye>n+4 ,i j want to settle d[n z ,i am n[4 ,yes1 ,i suppose t is ! natural t5d5cy ( sorr[4 ,b !re is great significance 9 ! pray] = 'a he>t at leisure f itself1 to soo! & sympa?ize4' ,oh1 ,katy6 %e said1 y don't "k1 y c't "k1 h[ ,i feel4 ,until ,james began to love me s ,i did n "k !re 0 su* a love z t 9 ! _w4 ,y "k our family is diff]5t f y\rs4 ,& x is s delightful to be lov$4 ,or r x 06 ,don't say 01 ,i said4 ,y "k we all love y de>ly1 de>ly ,yes1 b n z ,james did6 ,t is true4 ,x 0 fooli% 9 me to expect to console y by su* sugge/ions4 ,b to g back to ,mrs4 ,campbell4 ,%e w sympa?ize ) y1 if y w let h]1 z v few c1 = %e has lo/ bo? husb& & *ildr54 ,ah1 b %e _h a husb& = a "t1 at lea/4 ,x is n z if he 7 snat*$ away be=e !y _h liv$ toge!r4 ,if anybody else _h said ?is ,i %\ld h felt t x 0 out ( m]e p]v]s5ess4 ,b de> little ,hel5 is n p]v]se2 %e is simply ov]burd5$4 ,i grant t y\r disappo9tm5t 0 great] ?an h]s1 ,i w5t on4 ,b ! affliction 0 n4 ,e day t a husb& & wife walk h& 9 h& toge!r ^u e>? makes ( ! twa9 m & m "o fle%4 ,! selfi% elem5t :i* at fir/ =m$ s l>ge a "p ( _! attraction to ea* o!r disappe>s1 & ! union becomes s pure & beautiful z to =m a fitt+ type ( ! union ( ,*ri/ & ,8 *ur*4 ,!re is no?+ else on e>? l x4 ,hel5 sigh$4 ,i f9d x h>d to believe1 %e said1 !re c be any?+ m delici\s ?an ! mon?s 9 :i* ,james & ,i 7 s happy toge!r4 ,suff]+ toge!r w\ld h br\ght y ev5 ne>]1 ,i repli$4 ,de> ,hel51 ,i am v sorry = y2 ,i hope y feel t1 ev5 :51 accord+ to my want1 ,i fall into argum5ts1 z if "o c\ld argue a sorr[ away6 ,y are s happy1 %e answ]$4 ,erne/ loves y s de>ly1 & is s pr\d ( y1 & y h su* lovely *ildr56 ,i ought n to expect y to sympa?ize p]fectly ) my lonel9ess4 ,yes1 ,i am happy1 ,i said1 aft] a pause2 b y mu/ own1 de>1 t ,i h _h my sorr[s1 too4 ,until y become a "m y\rself1 y _c compreh5d :at a "m c suff]1 n m]ely = h]self1 9 los+ h] *ildr51 b 9 see+ _! suff]+s4 ,i ?9k ,i may say ( my happ9ess t x re/s on some?+ high] & deep] ?an ev5 ,erne/ & my *ildr54 ,& :at is t8 ,! w ( ,god1 ! sweet w ( ,god4 ,if ,he %\ld take !m all away1 ,i might /ill possess a peace :i* w\ld fl[ on =ev]4 ,i "k ?is p>tly f my own exp]i5ce & p>tly f t ( o!rs4 ,mrs4 ,campbell says t ! ?ree mon?s t foll[$ ! dea? ( h] fir/ *ild 7 ! happie/ %e _h ev] kn[n4 ,mrs4 ,w5twor?1 ^: husb& 0 snat*$ f h] almo/ )\t w>n+1 & :ile us+ expressions ( affection = h] su* z a lov] addresses to 8 bride1 said to me1 ) te>s roll+ d[n h] *eeks1 yet ) a smile1 ',i ?ank my ,god & ,savi\r t ,he has n =gott5 & pass$ me by1 b has c\nt$ me wor?y to be> ?is sorr[ = ,8 sake4' ,& he> ?is passage f ! life ( ,wesley1 :i* ,i light$ on ?is morn+3 ,he visit$ "o ( 8 disciples1 :o 0 ill 9 b$ & aft] hav+ buri$ sev5 ( h] family 9 six mon?s1 _h j he>d t ! eigh?1 h] husb&1 :om %e de>ly lov$1 _h be5 ca/ away at sea4 ',i ask$ h]1' he says1 'd y n fret at any ( ^? ?+s8' ,%e says1 ) a lovely smile1 ',oh1 no6 h[ c ,i fret at any?+ :i* is ! w ( ,god8 ,let ,him take all beside1 ,he has giv5 me ,himself4 ,i love1 ,i praise ,him e mom5t4' ,yes1 ,hel5 object$1 ,i c imag9e p z say+ su* ?+s 9 mom5ts ( excitem5t2 b aft]w>ds1 !y h h\rs ( t]rible agony4 ,!y h 'h\rs ( t]rible agony1' ( c\rse4 ,god's grace does n h>d5 our he>ts1 & make !m pro( aga9/ suff]+1 l coats ( mail4 ,!y c all say1 ',out ( ! dep?s h ,i cri$ unto ,!e1' & x is !y alone :o h be5 d[n into ! dep?s1 & _h ri* exp]i5ce ( :at ,god c\ld be to ,8 *ildr5 !re1 :o c utt] su* te/imonials to ,8 honor1 z ^? ,i h j repeat$4 ,katy1 ,hel5 sudd5ly ask$1 d y always submit to ,god's w ?us8 ,9 great ?+s ,i d1 ,i said4 ,:at grieves me is t ,i am con/antly =gett+ to recognize ,god's h& 9 ! little e-day trials ( life1 & in/ead ( receiv+ !m z f ,him1 f9d fault ) ! in/rum5ts by :i* ,he s5ds !m4 ,i c give up my *ild1 my only bro!r1 my d>l+ "m )\t a ^w2 b to receive e tire "s visitor z s5t expressly & directly to we>y me by ! ,ma/] ,himself2 to meet e neglig5ce on ! "p ( ! s]vants z ,8 *oice = me at ! mom5t2 to be satisfi$ & pati5t :5 ,erne/ gets p>ticul>ly absorb$ 9 8 books because my ,fa!r sees t little discipl9e suitable = me at ! "t2 all ?is ,i h n fully le>n$4 ,all y say disc\rages me1 said ,hel51 9 a tone ( deep dejection4 ,su* p]fection 0 only meant = a few favor$ ones1 & ,i d n d>e s mu* z to aim at x4 ,i am p]fectly sure t ,i mu/ be satisfi$ ) ! l[ /ate ( grace ,i am 9 n[ & always h be54 ,%e 0 ab\t to leave me1 b ,i caught h] h& z %e w\ld h pass$ me1 & made "o m attempt to rea* h] poor1 we>y s\l4 ,b are y satisfi$1 de> ,hel58 ,i ask$1 z t5d]ly z ,i w\ld speak to a little sick *ild4 ,surely y crave happ9ess1 z e human s\l does6 ,yes1 ,i crave x1 %e repli$1 b ,god has tak5 x f me4 ,he has tak5 away y\r e>?ly happ9ess1 ,i "k1 b only to conv9ce y :at bett] ?+s ,he has 9 /ore = y4 ,let me read y a lett] :i* ,dr4 ,cabot wrote me _m ye>s ago1 b :i* has be5 an almo/ con/ant inspiration to me ev] s9ce4 ,%e sat d[n1 resum$ h] "w aga91 & li/5$ to ! lett] 9 sil5ce4 ,z ,i came to its la/ s5t5ce ! ?ree *ildr5 ru%$ 9 f s*ool1 at lea/ ! boys did1 & ?rew !mselves ^u me l m5 assault+ a =t4 ,i h =m$ ! habit ( giv+ myself entirely to !m at ! prop] mom5t1 & n[ ent]$ into _! frolicsome mood z joy\sly z if ,i _h nev] kn[n a sorr[ or lo/ an h\r's sleep4 ,at la/ !y w5t (f to _! play-room1 & ,una settl$ d[n by my side to amuse ,daisy1 :5 ,hel5 began aga94 ,i %\ld l to read t lett] myself1 %e said4 ,mean:ile ,i want to ask y "o "q4 ,:at are y made ( t y c turn f "o ?+ to ano!r l lightn+8 ,talk+ "o mom5t z if life dep5d$ on y\r e ^w1 & !n frisk+ ab\t ) ^? wild boys z if y 7 a *ild y\rself8 ,i saw ,una look up curi\sly1 to he> my answ]1 z ,i repli$1 ,i h always aim$ at ?is flexibility4 ,i ?9k a "m1 especially1 ought to le>n to ent] into ! gay] moods ( h] *ildr5 at ! v mom5t :5 h] own he>t is sad4 ,& x may be z religi\s an act = h] to romp ) !m at ! "t z to pray ) !m at ano!r4 ,hel5 n[ w5t away to h] room ) ,dr4 ,cabot's lett]1 :i* ,i sil5tly pray$ might bless h] z x _h bless$ me4 ,& !n a jad$1 di%e>t5$ mood came ov] me t made me feel t all ,i _h be5 say+ to h] 0 b z s\nd+ brass & a t9kl+ cymbal1 s9ce my life & my pr(essions did n correspond4 ,hi!rto my consci\sness ( imp]fection has made me hesitate to say mu* to ,hel54 ,:y are we s afraid ( ^? :o live "u ! same ro( ) u8 ,x mu/ be ! conviction t ^? :o daily see u act+ 9 a petty1 selfi%1 trifl+ way1 mu/ f9d x h>d to conceive t our pray]s & our desires take a wid] & high] aim4 ,de> little ,hel56 ,may ! ice once brok5 rema9 brok5 =ev]4 ,*apt] #bd ,,xxiv4 ,,m>* #bj4 ,,hel5 return$ ,dr4 ,cabot's lett] 9 sil5ce ?is morn+1 b1 directly aft] breakfa/1 set =? to visit ,mrs4 ,campbell1 ) ! little bottle ( beef-tea 9 h] h&s1 :i* ought to h gone ye/]day4 ,i _h a busy day be=e me2 ! usual ,saturday bak+ & ,sunday d9n] to ov]see1 ! *ildr5's lessons = to-morr[ to sup]9t5d & he> !m repeat1 _! clean clo!s to lay out1 & a basket ( /ock+s to m5d4 ,my m9d 0 some:at di/ract$ ) ^! c>es1 & ,i f\nd x a little difficult to keep on ) my morn+ devotions 9 spite ( !m4 ,b ,i h le>n$1 at lea/1 to face & fight su* di/ractions1 in/ead ( runn+ away f !m z ,i us$ to d4 ,my fai? 9 pray]1 my resort to x1 becomes m & m ! f\ndation ( my life1 & ,i believe1 ) "o wis] & bett] ?an myself1 t no?+ b pray] /&s betwe5 my s\l & ! be/ gifts ( ,god2 9 o!r words1 t ,i c & %all get :at ,i ask =4 ,i w5t d[n into ! kit*51 put on my l>ge bak+ apron1 & began my labors2 ( c\rse ! door-bell rang1 & a poor woman 0 ann\nc$4 ,x is v sweet to foll[ ,f5elon's c\nsel & give oneself to ,*ri/ 9 all ^! int]ruptions2 b ?is "t ,i said1 oh1 de>6 be=e ,i ?\ght4 ,!n ,i wi%$ ,i hadn't1 & w5t up1 ) a *e]ful face at any rate1 to my unwelcome visitor1 :o prov$ to be "o ( my aggravat+ poor folks-a great giant ( a woman1 9 p]fect heal?1 & ) a husb& to support h] if he w4 ,i told h] t ,i c\ld d no m = h]2 %e answ]$ me rudely1 & kept urg+ h] claims4 ,i felt ruffl$2 :y %\ld my "t be ?us fritt]$ away1 ,i ask$ myself4 ,at la/ %e w5t (f1 abus+ me 9 a way t *ill$ my he>t4 ,i c\ld only beg ,god to =give h]1 & return to my "w1 :i* ,i _h h>dly resum$ :5 ,mrs4 ,embury s5t = a patt]n ,i _h promis$ to l5d h]4 ,(f came my apron1 & up two pairs ( /airs ,i ran2 aft] a long se>* x came to light4 ,"w resum$2 door-bell aga94 ,aunty want$ ! *ildr5 to come to an e>ly d9n]4 ,go+ to ,aunty's is next to go+ to ,p>adise to !m4 ,e ?+ 0 n[ hurry & flurry2 ,i tri$ to be pati5t2 & n to fret _! temp] by undue att5tion to nails1 e>s1 & o!r susceptible p>ts ( ! human frame1 b aft] x 0 all ov]1 & ,i _h kiss$ all ! sweet1 de> faces good-by1 & return$ to ! kit*51 ,i felt sure t ,i _h n be5 ! p]fect "m ,i want to be 9 all ^! little em]g5cies-yes1 f> f x4 ,bridget _h let ! milk ,i 0 go+ to use boil ov]1 & f9ally burn up4 ,i 0 annoy$ & irritat$1 & already tir$1 & did n see h[ ,i 0 to get m1 z ,m>y 0 clean+ ! silv] 7to be sure1 !re is n mu* ( x71 & _h o!r extra ,saturday "w to d4 ,i ?\ght ,bridget might (f] to run to ! corn] = x1 ?\gh x isn't h] bus9ess1 b %e is n oblig+1 & seem$ z sulky z if ,i _h burn$ ! milk1 n %e4 ,aft] all1 ,i said to myself1 :at does x signify1 if ,erne/ gets no dess]t8 ,x isn't good = him1 & h[ mu* preci\s "t is wa/$ ov] j ?is "o ?+8 ,h[ev]1 ,i reflect$1 t arbitr>ily refus+ to indulge him 9 ?is respect is n exactly my mission z 8 wife2 he is p]fectly well1 & likes 8 little luxuries z well z o!r p d4 ,s ,i humbl$ my pride & ask$ ,bridget to g = ! milk1 :i* %e did1 9 a l(ty way ( h] own4 ,:ile %e 0 gone ! m>ket+ came home1 & ,i _h ev]y?+ to dispose (4 ,erne/ _h s5t home "s apples1 :i* pla9ly said1 ,i want "s apple pie1 ,katy4 ,i look$ n]v\sly at ! clock1 & und]took to gratify him4 ,m>y came d[n1 cry+1 to say t h] "m1 :o liv$ 9 ,brooklyn1 0 v sick2 c\ld %e g to see h]8 ,i look$ at ! clock once m2 told h] %e %\ld g1 ( c\rse1 z soon z lun* 0 ov]2 ?is involv$ my do+ all h] abs5ce left undone4 ,at la/ ,i got ?r\gh ) ! kit*51 ! ,sunday d9n] be+ well "u way1 & ran up/airs to put away ! ho/ ( little g>m5ts ! *ildr5 _h left :5 !y took _! flight1 & to make myself pres5table at lun*4 ,!n ,i began to be uneasy le/ ,erne/ %\ld n be punctual1 & ,m>y be delay$2 b he came j z ! clock /ruck "o4 ,i ran joyfully to meet him1 v glad n[ t ,i _h some?+ good to give him4 ,we _h j got ?r\gh lun*1 & ,i 0 op5+ my m\? to tell ,m>y %e might g1 :5 ! door-bell rang once m1 & ,mrs4 ,fry1 ( ,j]sey ,city1 0 ann\nc$4 ,i told ,m>y to wait till ,i f\nd :e!r %e _h lun*$ or n2 no1 %e hadn't2 _h come to t[n to see fri5ds (f1 0 half fami%$1 & w\ld ,i d h] ! favor1 etc41 etc4 ,%e _h a fa%ionable "y lady ) h]1 a /rang] to me1 z well z a ,miss ,somebody else1 f ,albany1 ^: "n ,i did n cat*4 ,i apologiz$ = hav+ f9i%$ lun*4 ,mrs4 ,fry said all !y want$ 0 a cup ( tea & a bit ( bread & butt]1 no?+ else1 de>2 n[ don't put y\rself out4 ,n[ be bright & animat$1 & l y\rself1 %e :isp]$1 = ,i h br\ght ^! girls "h on purpose to he> y talk1 & !y are prep>$ to fall 9 love ) y on ! spot4 ,?is spee* suffic$ to %ut my m\?4 ,m>y _h to get ready = ^! unexpect$ gue/s1 ^: appetites prov$ equal to a raid on a good _m ?+s besides bread & butt]4 ,mrs4 ,fry said1 aft] %e _h dev\r$ ne>ly half a loaf ( cake1 t %e w\ld really try to eat a morsel m1 :i* ,erne/ rem>k$1 dryly1 0 a great triumph ( m9d ov] matt]4 ,z !y talk$ & laugh$ & ate leisurely on1 ,m>y /ood look+ ! picture ( despair4 ,at la/ ,i gave h] a glance t said %e might g1 :5 a new visitor 0 ann\nc$--,mrs4 ,w9?rop1 f ,brooklyn1 "o ( ,erne/'s pati5ts a few ye>s ago1 :5 %e liv$ "h4 ,%e pr(ess$ h]self greatly indebt$ to him1 & said %e _h come at ?is h\r because %e %\ld make sure ( see+ him4 ,i tri$ to excuse him1 z ,i knew he w\ld be ?ankful to h me d1 b no1 see him %e mu/2 he 0 h] pet doctor1 he _h su* sweet1 b$side mann]s1 & ,i am su* a favorite ) him1 y "k6 ,erne/ did n receive 8 favorite ) any special w>m?2 b invit$ h] out to lun* & gallant$ h] to ! table we _h j left4 ,j l a man6 ,poor ,m>y6 %e _h to fly r\nd & get up :at %e c\ld2 ,mrs4 ,w9?rop devot$ h]self to ,erne/ ) a p]si/5t ignor+ ( me t ,i ?\ght rude & unwomanly4 ,%e ask$ if he _h read a c]ta9 book2 he _h n2 %e !n said1 ,i ne$ n ask1 !n1 if ,mrs4 ,elliott has done s8 ,^! *>m+ di%es1 :i* %e gets up s nicely1 mu/ absorb all h] "t4 ,( c\rse1 repli$ ,erne/4 ,b %e contrives to read ! reports ( all ! murd]s1 ( :i* ! newspap]s are full4 ,mrs4 ,w9?rop took ?is spee* lit]ally1 drew away h] skirts f me1 look$ at me ?r\gh h] eye-glass1 & said1 ,yes8 ,at la/ %e dep>t$4 ,hel5 came home1 & ,m>y w5t4 ,i gave ,hel5 an acc\nt ( my morn+2 %e laugh$ he>tily1 & x did me good to he> t musical s\nd once m4 ,x is ne>ly five o'clock1 ,i said1 z we at la/ _h re/or$ ev]y?+ to ord]1 & ?is :ole day has be5 fritt]$ away 9 ! v]ie/ trifles4 ,x isn't liv+ to live s4 ,:o is ! bett] = my be+ 9 ! _w s9ce six o'clock ?is morn+8 ,i am = "o1 %e said1 kiss+ my hot *eeks2 & y h giv5 a great deal ( pleasure to sev]al p]sons4 ,y\r & ,erne/'s hospitality is always graceful4 ,i admire x 9 y bo?2 & ?is is "o ( ! little ways1 n to be despis$1 ( giv+ enjoym5t4 ,x 0 nice 9 h] to say t1 x q re/$ me4 ,at ! d9n]-table ,erne/ complim5t$ me on my good h\sekeep+4 ,i 0 pr\d ( my little wife at lun* he said4 ,& yet y said t outrage\s ?+ ab\t my read+ ab\t no?+ b murd]s6 ,i said4 ,oh1 well1 y und]/ood x1 he said1 laugh+ly4 ,b t dreadful ,mrs4 ,w9?rop took x lit]ally4 ,:at d we c>e = ,mrs4 ,w9?rop8 he return$4 ,if y c\ld h se5 ! contra/ betwe5 y two 9 my eyes6 ,aft] all1 "o mu/ take life z x comes1 its homely details are s mix$ up ) its sweet *>ities1 & loves1 & fri5d%ips t "o is =c$ to believe t ,god has jo9$ !m toge!r & does n w t !y %\ld be put asund]4 ,x is some?+ t my husb& has be5 satisfi$ ) 8 wife & 8 home to-day2 t does me good4 ,,m>* #cj4-;,a /ormy day & ! *ildr5 home f s*ool1 & no little frolick+ & laugh+ go+ on4 ,x mu/1 be delightful to feel well & /rong :ile "o's *ildr5 are "y1 !re is s mu* to d = !m4 ,i d x2 b no "o c tell ! ef=t1 x co/s me4 ,:at a contra/ !re is betwe5 _! vitality & ! languor "u :i* ,i suff]6 ,:5 _! noise became intol]able1 ,i propos$ to read to !m2 ( c\rse !y made t5 times z mu* clamor ( pleasure & ( c\rse !y lean$ on me1 gr\nd _! elb[s into my lap1 & tir$ me all out4 ,z ,i sat ) ?is preci\s little gr\p ab\t me1 ,erne/ op5$ ! door1 look$ 91 gravely & )\t a ^w1 & in/antly disappe>$4 ,i felt uneasy & ask$ him1 ?is ev5+1 :y he look$ s4 ,0 ,i indulg+ ! *ildr5 too mu*1 or :at 0 x8 ,he took me into 8 arms & said3 ,my preci\s wife1 :y w y torm5t y\rself ) su* fancies8 ,my v he>t 0 ye>n+ ov] y at t mom5t1 z x did ! fir/ "t ,i saw y surr\nd$ by y\r little class at ,sunday-s*ool1 ye>s ago1 & ,i 0 ask+ myself :y ,god _h giv5 me su* a wife1 & my *ildr5 su* a "m4 ,oh1 ,i am glad ,i h got ?is writt5 d[n6 ,i w read x ov] :5 ! s5se ( my defici5cies ov]:elms me1 :ile ,i ask ,god :y ,he has giv5 me su* a pati5t1 =be>+ husb&4 ,,april #a4-,?is has be5 a sad day to our *ur*4 ,our de> ,dr4 ,cabot has gone to 8 et]nal home1 & left u z %eep )\t a %eph]d4 ,8 dea? 0 sudd5 at ! la/ & f\nd u all unprep>$ = x4 ,b my te>s ( sorr[ are m+l$ ) te>s ( joy4 ,8 he>t _h long be5 9 heav51 he 0 ready to g at a mom5t's w>n+2 nev] 0 a s\l s con/antly & joy\sly on ! w+ z 84 ,poor ,mrs4 ,cabot6 ,%e is left v desolate1 = all _! *ildr5 are m>ri$ & settl$ at a di/ance4 ,b %e be>s ?is sorr[ l "o :o has long felt h]self a pilgrim & a /rang] on e>?4 ,h[ /range t we ev] =get t we are all su*6 ,,april #af4-,! desolate pilgrimage 0 n long4 ,de> ,mrs4 ,cabot 0 ?is day laid away by ! side ( h] belov$ husb&1 & x is delightful to ?9k ( !m z n divid$ by dea?1 b unit$ by x 9 a complete & et]nal union4 ,i nev] saw a husb& & wife m t5d]ly atta*$ to ea* o!r1 & ?is is a beautiful close to _! long & happy m>ri$ life4 ,i f9d x h>d n to wi% & pray t ,i may z spe$ily foll[ my preci\s husb&1 %\ld ,god call him away fir/4 ,b x is n = me to *oose4 ,h[ ,i %all miss ^! fai?ful fri5ds1 :o1 f my y\? up1 h be5 my /ay & my /aff 9 ! h\se ( my pilgrimage6 ,almo/ all ! disappo9tm5ts & sorr[s ( my life h _h _! ,*ri/ian sympa?y1 p>ticul>ly ! daily1 wa/+ solicitude conc]n+ my d>l+ ,una1 = !y to wat*$ = ye>s ov] z delicate a fl[]1 & saw x fade & die4 ,only ^? :o h suff]$ ?us c appreciate ! he>t-sor5ess ?r\gh :i*1 no matt] h[ outw>dly *e]ful ,i may be1 ,i am always pass+4 ,b :at !n6 ,h ,i n t5 ?\s& times made ?is my pray]1 t 9 ! words ( ,leighton1 my w might become1 id5tical ) ,god's w4 ,& %all ,he n take me at my ^w8 ,j z ,i 0 writ+ ^! words1 my can>y bur/ =? ) a song s joy\s t a song 0 put also into my m\?4 ,some?+ seem$ to say1 ?is captive s+s 9 8 cage because x has nev] kn[n lib]ty1 & _c regret a lo/ fre$om4 ,s ! s\l ( my *ild1 limit$ by ! re/rictions ( a feeble body1 nev] hav+ kn[n ! gladness ( exub]ant heal?1 may s+ songs t w enliv5 & *e]4 ,yes1 & does s+ !m6 ,:at %\ld we d )\t h] g5tle1 lov+ pres5ce1 ^: frailty calls =? our t5d]e/ affections & ^: sweet face makes sun%9e 9 ! %adie/ places6 ,i am sure t ! boys are truly bless$ by hav+ a si/] always at home to welcome !m1 & t _! be/ manl9ess is appeal$ to by h] helplessness4 ,:at ?is *ild is to me ,i _c tell4 ,& yet1 if ! skillful & k9d ,g>d5] %\ld h\se ?is delicate plant be=e fro/s come1 %\ld ,i d>e to compla98 ,*apt] #be ,,xxv4 ,,may #d ,miss ,,clif=d came to lun* ) u on ,w$nesday4 ,h] rem>kable re/oration to heal? has attract$ a good deal ( att5tion1 & has giv5 ,erne/ a c]ta9 reputation :i* does n come amiss to him4 ,n t he is ambiti\s2 a m unworldly man does n live2 b 8 extreme res]ve & mode/y h obscur$ ! light t is n[ beg9n+ to %9e4 ,we all enjoy$ ,miss ,clif=d's visit4 ,%e is "o ( ! fre%e/1 mo/ orig9al creatures ,i ev] met )1 & kept u all laugh+ ) h] qua9t spee*es1 long aft] e p>ticle ( lun* _h disappe>$ f ! table4 ,b ?is mobile nature turns to ! s]i\s side ( life ) m>vel\s ease & cel]ity1 z p]haps all s\nd ones ought to d4 ,i took h] up to my room :]e my "w-basket 01 & ,hel5 foll[$1 ) h]s4 ,i h br\ght some?+ to read to y1 de> ,mrs4 ,elliott1 ,miss ,clif=d began1 ! mom5t we _h seat$ ourselves1 :i* ,i h j light$ on1 & ,i am sure y w l4 ,a nobleman writes to ,f5elon ask+ c]ta9 que/ions1 & a "p ( ^! que/ions1 ) ! replies1 ,i want to enjoy ) y1 z !y cov] a good deal ( ! gr\nd we h (t5 discuss$ toge!r3 ,i4-,h[ %all ,i (f] my purely indiff]5t actions to ,god2 walks1 visits made & receiv$1 dress1 little proprieties1 su* z wa%+ ! h&s1 etc4'1 ! read+ ( books ( hi/ory1 bus9ess ) :i* ,i am *>g$ = my fri5ds1 o!r amusem5ts1 su* z %opp+1 hav+ clo!s made1 & equipages4 ,i want to h "s sort ( pray]1 or me?od ( (f]+ ea* ( ^! ?+s to ,god4 ,,reply4-,! mo/ indiff]5t actions cease to be su*1 & become good z soon z "o p]=ms !m ) ! int5tion ( con=m+ "o's self 9 !m to ! w ( ,god4 ,!y are (t5 bett] & pur] ?an c]ta9 actions :i* appe> m virtu\s3 #a/1 because !y are less ( our own *oice & m 9 ! ord] ( ,provid5ce :5 "o is oblig$ to p]=m !m2 #b;d1 because !y are simpl] & less expos$ to va9 complaisance2 #c;d1 because if "o yields to !m ) mod]ation1 "o f9ds 9 !m m ( dea? to "o's incl9ations ?an 9 c]ta9 acts ( f]vor 9 :i* self-love m+les2 f9ally1 because ^! little occasions occur m frequ5tly1 & furni% a secret occasion = cont9ually mak+ e mom5t pr(itable4 ,x is n necess>y to make great ef=ts nor acts ( great reflection1 9 ord] to (f] :at are call$ indiff]5t actions4 ,x is en\gh to lift ! s\l "o in/ant to ,god1 to make a simple (f]+ ( x4 ,ev]y?+ :i* ,god wi%es u to d1 & :i* ent]s into ! c\rse ( occupation suitable to our position1 c & ought to be (f]$ to ,god2 no?+ is unwor?y ( ,him b s94 ,:5 y feel t an action _c be (f]$ to ,god1 conclude t x does n become a ,*ri/ian2 x is at lea/ necess>y to suspect x1 & seek light conc]n+ x4 ,i w\ld n h a special pray] = ea* ( ^! ! elevation ( ! he>t at ! mom5t suffices4 ,z = visits1 commissions & ! l1 z !re is dang] ( foll[+ "o's own ta/e too mu*1 ,i w\ld add to ?is elevat+ ( ! he>t a pray] to mod]ate myself & use precaution4 ,,ii4-,9 pray] ,i _c fix my m9d1 or ,i h int]vals ( "t :5 x is else:]e & x is (t5 di/ract$ = a long "t be=e ,i p]ceive x4 ,i want to f9d "s means ( becom+ its ma/]4 ,,reply4-,fidelity 9 foll[+ ! rules t h be5 giv5 y1 & 9 recall+ y\r m9d e "t y p]ceive its di/raction1 w gradually give y ! grace ( be+ m recollect$4 ,mean:ile be> y\r involunt>y di/ractions ) pati5ce & humility2 y des]ve no?+ bett]4 ,is x surpris+ t recollection is difficult to a man s long dissipat$ & f> f ,god8 ,,iii4-,i wi% to "k if x is be/ to record1 on my tablets1 ! faults & ! s9s ,i h committ$1 9 ord] n to run ! risk ( =gett+ !m4 ,i excite 9 myself to rep5tance = my faults z mu* z ,i c2 b ,i h nev] felt any real grief on acc\nt ( !m4 ,:5 ,i exam9e myself at night1 ,i see p]sons f> m p]fect ?an ,i compla9 ( m s93 z = me1 ,i seek1 ,i f9d no?+2 & yet x is impossible !re %\ld n be _m po9ts on :i* to implore p>don e day ( my life4 ,,reply4-,y %\ld exam9e y\rself e night1 b simply & briefly4 ,9 ! disposition to :i* ,god has br\ght y1 y w n volunt>ily commit any consid]able fault )\t rememb]+ & reproa*+ y\rself = x4 ,z to little faults1 sc>cely p]ceiv$1 ev5 if y sometimes =get !m1 ?is ne$ n make y uneasy4 ,z to lively grief on acc\nt ( y\r s9s1 x is n necess>y4 ,god gives x :5 x pleases ,him4 ,true & ess5tial conv]sion ( ! he>t consi/s 9 a full w to sacrifice all to ,god4 ,:at ,i call full w is a fix$ immovable disposition ( ! w to resume none ( ! volunt>y affections :i* may alt] ! purity ( ! love to ,god & to ab&on itself to all ! crosses :i* x w--p]haps--be necess>y to be>1 9 ord] to accompli% ! w ( ,god always & 9 all ?+s4 ,z to sorr[ = s91 :5 "o has x1 "o ought to return ?anks = x2 :5 "o p]ceives x to be want+1 "o %\ld humble "o's self peacefully be=e ,god )\t try+ to excite x by va9 ef=ts4 ,y f9d 9 y\r self-exam9ation few] faults ?an p]sons m advanc$ & m p]fect d2 x is because y\r int]ior light is /ill feeble4 ,x w increase1 & ! view ( y\r infidelities w increase 9 proportion4 ,x suffices1 )\t mak+ y\rself uneasy1 to try to be fai?ful to ! degree ( light y possess1 & to in/ruct y\rself by read+ & m$itation4 ,x w n d to try to =e/all ! grace t belongs to a m advanc$ p]iod4 ,x w\ld only s]ve to tr\ble & disc\rage y1 & ev5 to exhau/ y by cont9ual anxiety2 ! "t t %\ld be sp5t 9 lov+ ,god w\ld be giv5 to =c$ returns ^u y\rself1 :i* secretly n\ri% self-love4 ,,iv4---,9 my pray]s my m9d has difficulty 9 f9d+ any?+ to say to ,god4 ,my he>t is n 9 x1 or x is inaccessible to ! ?\ghts ( my m9d4 ,,reply4-,x is n necess>y to say mu* to ,god4 ,(t5times "o does n speak mu* to a fri5d :om "o is delight$ to see2 "o looks at him ) pleasure2 "o speaks c]ta9 %ort words to him :i* are m]e expressions ( feel+4 ,! m9d has no "p 9 !m1 or next to none2 "o keeps repeat+ ! same words4 ,x is n s mu* a v>iety ( ?\ghts t "o seeks 9 int]c\rse ) a fri5d1 z a c]ta9 repose & correspond5ce ( he>t4 ,x is ?us we are ) ,god1 :o does n disda9 to be our t5d]e/1 mo/ cordial1 mo/ famili>1 mo/ intimate fri5d4 ,a ^w1 a sigh1 a s5tim5t1 says all to ,god2 x is n always necess>y to h transports ( s5sible t5d]ness2 a w all nak$ & dry1 )\t life1 )\t vivacity1 )\t pleasure1 is (t5 pure/ 9 ! sight ( ,god4 ,9 f9e1 x is necess>y to cont5t "o's self ) giv+ to ,him :at ,he gives x to give1 a f]v5t he>t :5 x is f]v5t1 a he>t firm & fai?ful 9 its aridity1 :5 ,he deprives x ( s5sible f]vor4 ,x does n always dep5d on y to feel2 b x is necess>y to wi% to feel4 ,leave x to ,god to *oose to make y feel sometimes1 9 ord] to su/a9 y\r weakness & infancy 9 ,*ri/ian life2 sometimes wean+ y f t sweet & consol+ s5tim5t :i* is ! milk ( babes1 9 ord] to humble y1 to make y gr[1 & to make y robu/ 9 ! viol5t ex]cise ( fai?1 by caus+ y to sweat ! bread ( ! /rong 9 ! sweat ( y\r br[4 ,w\ld y only love ,god accord+ z ,he w make y take pleasure 9 lov+ ,him8 ,y w\ld be lov+ y\r own t5d]ness & feel+1 fancy+ t y 7 lov+ ,god4 ,ev5 :ile receiv+ s5sible gifts1 prep>e y\rself by pure fai? = ! "t :5 y might be depriv$ ( !m & y w sudd5ly succumb if y _h only reli$ on su* support4 ,o =got to speak ( "s practices :i* may1 at ! beg9n+1 facilitate ! remembrance ( ! (f]+ "o ought to make to ,god1 ( all ! ord9>y acts ( ! day4 #a4 ,=m ! resolution to d s1 e morn+1 & call y\rself to acc\nt 9 y\r self-exam9ation at night4 #b4 ,make no resolutions b = good reasons1 ei!r f propriety or ! necessity ( relax+ ! m9d1 etc4 ,?us1 9 accu/om+ "o's self to retr5* ! useless little by little1 "o accu/oms "o's self to (f] :at is n prop] to curtail4 #c4 ,r5ew "o's self 9 ?is disposition :5ev] "o is alone1 9 ord] to be bett] prep>$ to recollect x :5 9 company4 #d4 ,:5ev] "o surprises "o's self 9 too great dissipation1 or 9 speak+ too freely ( 8 neighbor1 let him collect himself & (f] to ,god all ! re/ ( ! conv]sation4 #e4 ,to flee1 ) confid5ce1 to ,god1 to act accord+ to ,8 w1 :5 "o ent]s company1 or engages 9 "s occupation :i* may cause "o to fall into temptation4 ,! sight ( dang] ought to w>n ( ! ne$ !re is to lift ! he>t t[>d ,him by "o :o may be pres]v$ f x4 ,we bo? ?ank$ h] z %e f9i%$ read+1 & ,i begg$ h] to l5d me ! volume t ,i might make ! above copy4 ,i hope ,i h ga9$ "s valuable h9ts f ?is lett]1 & t ,i %all see m pla9ly ?an ev] t x is a religion ( pr9ciple t ,god wants f u1 n "o ( m]e feel+4 ,hel5 rem>k$ t %e 0 mo/ /ruck by ! ass]tion t "o _c =e/all ! graces t belong to a m advanc$ p]iod4 ,%e said %e _h assum$ t %e ought to exp]i5ce all t ! mo/ mature ,*ri/ian did1 & t x re/$ h] to ?9k ( ,god z do+ ?is "w = h]1 mak+ rep5tance1 = in/ance1 a free gift1 n a conque/ to be won = "o's self4 ,miss ,clif=d said t ! :ole idea ( giv+ "o's self to ,god 9 su* little daily acts z visit+1 %opp+1 & ! l1 0 entirely new to h]4 ,b fancy1 %e w5t on1 h] beautiful face light$ up ) en?usiasm1 :at a bless$ life t mu/ be1 :5 ! base ?+s ( ?is _w & ?+s t are despis$1 are s _m l9ks to ! invisible _w & to ! ?+s ,god has *os56 ,9 o!r words1 ,i said1 ! top ( ! ladd] t re/s on e>? rea*es to heav51 & we may asc5d x z ! angels did 9 ,jacob's dream4 ,& desc5d too1 z !y did1 ,hel5 put 91 despond5tly4 ,n[ y %all n speak 9 t tone1 cri$ ,miss ,clif=d4 ,let u look at ! bright side ( life1 & believe t ,god means u to be always asc5d+1 always gett+ ne>] to ,himself1 always le>n+ some?+ new ab\t ,him1 always lov+ ,him bett] & bett]4 ,to be sure1 our s\ls are sick1 & ( !mselves c't keep 'ev] on ! w+1' b ,i h _h "s delightful ?\ghts ( late f j he>+ ! title ( a book1 ',god's me?od ) ! maladies ( ! s\l4' ,x gives "o su* a conception ( ! seem+ ills ( life2 to ?9k ( ,him z our ,physician1 ! ills all rem$ies1 ! deprivations only a :olesome regim51 ! losses all ga9s4 ,:y1 z ,i /udy ?is individual case & t1 see h[ pati5tly & p]si/5tly ,he tries n[ ?is rem$y1 n[ t1 & h[ infallibly ,he cures ! s\ls t submit to ,8 rem$ies1 ,i love ,him s6 ,i love ,him s6 ,& ,i am s a/oni%$ t we are re/ive "u ,8 un]r+ h&6 ,?9k h[ ,he dealt ) me4 ,my s\l 0 sick unto dea?1 sick ) worldl9ess1 & self-pleas+ & folly4 ,!re 0 only "o way ( mak+ me li/5 to reason1 & t 0 j ! way ,he took4 ,he snat*$ me "r out ( ! _w & %ut me up 9 "o room1 crippl$1 helpless1 & alone1 & set me to ?9k+1 ?9k+1 ?9k+1 till ,i saw ! empt9ess & %all[ness ( all 9 :i* ,i _h hi!rto be5 involv$4 ,& !n ,he s5t y & y\r "m to %[ me ! reality ( life1 & to reveal to me my invisible1 unkn[n ,physician4 ,c ,i love ,him ) half my he>t8 ,c ,i be ask+ que/ions z to h[ mu* ,i am to pay t[>ds ! debt ,i owe ,him8 ,by ?is "t ,hel5's "w _h fall5 f h] h&s & te>s 7 9 h] eyes4 ,h[ ,i ?ank y1 %e said s(tly1 = :at y h said4 ,y h int]pret$ life to me6 ,y h giv5 me a new conception ( my ,god & ,savi\r6 ,miss ,clif=d seem$ qu5*$ & humbl$ by ^! words2 h] en?usiasm fad$ away & %e look$ at ,hel5 ) a deprecatory air z %e repli$3 ,don't say t6 ,i nev] felt s unfit = any?+ b to sit at ! feet ( ,*ri/'s disciples & le>n ( !m4 ,yet ,i1 s _m ye>s "o ( ^? disciples1 be5 sitt+ at h] feet1 & _h le>n$ ( h]4 ,nev] _h ,i s realiz$ ! magnitude ( ! "w to be done 9 ?is _w1 nor ! p[] & goodness ( ,him :o has und]tak5 to d x all4 ,i 0 glad to be alone1 to walk my room s++ praises to ,him = e in/ance 9 :i*1 z my ,physician1 ,he _h disappo9t$ my hope & defeat$ my joys & giv5 me to dr9k ( ! cup ( sorr[ & b]eavem5t4 ,,may #bd4-;,i read to ,erne/ ! extract f ,f5elon :i* has made su* an impression on me4 ,e bus9ess man1 9 %ort e man lead+ an active life1 ought to read t1 he said4 ,we %\ld h a new ord] ( ?+s z ! result4 ,in/ead ( fancy+ t our ord9>y daily "w 0 "o ?+ & our religion q ano!r ?+1 we %\ld transmute our drudg]y into acts ( wor%ip4 ,in/ead ( go+ to pray]-meet+s to get into a 'good frame' we %\ld live 9 a good frame f morn+ till night1 f night till morn+1 & pray] & praise w\ld be only ano!r =m = express+ ! love & fai? & ob$i5ce we _h be5 ex]cis+ amid ! pressure ( bus9ess4 ,i only wi% ,i _h und]/ood ?is ye>s ago1 ,i said4 ,i h made pray] too mu* ( a luxury1 & h (t5 inw>dly *af$ & frett$ :5 ! c>e ( my *ildr51 at times1 made x utt]ly impossible to leave !m = private devotion-:5 !y h be5 sick1 = in/ance1 or 9 o!r l em]g5cies4 ,i reason$ ?is way3 ',"h is a special dem& on my pati5ce1 & ,i am naturally impati5t4 ,i mu/ h "t to g away & entreat ! ,"l to equip me = ?is conflict4' ,b ,i see n[ t ! simple act ( *e]ful acceptance ( ! duty impos$ & ! solace & support )drawn w\ld h unit$ me m fully to ,*ri/ ?an ! highe/ enjoym5t ( ,8 pres5ce 9 pray] c\ld4 ,yes1 e act ( ob$i5ce is an act ( wor%ip1 he said4 ,b :y don't we le>n t soon]8 ,:y d we wa/e our lives be=e we le>n h[ to live8 ,i am n sure1 he return$1 t we d n le>n z fa/ z we are will+ to le>n4 ,god does n =ce in/ruction ^u u1 b :5 we say1 z ,lu!r did1 ',m light1 ,"l1 m light1'--! light comes4 ,i que/ion$ myself aft] he _h gone z to :e!r ?is c\ld be true ( me4 ,is !re n 9 my he>t "s secret reluctance to "k ! tru?1 le/ t k %\ld call to a high] & holi] life ?an ,i h yet liv$8 ,,june #b4-;,i w5t to see ,mrs4 ,campbell a few days ago1 & f\nd1 to my great joy1 t ,hel5 _h j be5 !re1 & t !y _h _h an e>ne/ conv]sation toge!r4 ,mrs4 ,campbell fail$ a good deal ( late1 & x is n probable we %all h h] ) u mu* long]4 ,h] e look & ^w is preci\s to me :5 ,i ?9k ( h] z "o :o is s soon to ent] ! unse5 _w & see our ,savi\r1 & be welcom$ home by ,him4 ,if x is s delightful to be ) ^? :o are on ! way to heav51 :at w\ld x be to h fell[%ip ) "o :o _h come !nce1 & c\ld tell u :at x is6 ,%e spoke freely ab\t dea?1 & said ,erne/ _h promis$ to take *>ge ( h] fun]al1 & to see t %e 0 buri$ by ! side ( h] husb&4 ,y see1 my de>1 %e add$1 ) a smile1 ?\gh ,i am expect+ to be s soon a sa9t 9 heav51 ,i am a human be+ /ill1 ) human weaknesses4 ,:at c x really matt] :]e ?is we>y old body is laid away1 :5 ,i h done ) x1 & gone & left x =ev]8 ,& yet ,i am leav+ directions ab\t its disposal6 ,i said ,i 0 glad t %e 0 /ill human b t ,i did n ?9k x a weakness to take ?\ght = ! abode 9 :i* h] s\l _h dwelt s long4 ,i saw t %e 0 tir$ & 0 com+ away1 b %e held me & w\ld n let me g4 ,yes1 ,i am tir$1 %e said1 b :at ( t8 ,x is only a "q ( days n[1 & all my tir$ feel+s w be ov]4 ,!n ,i %all be z "y & fre% z ev]1 & %all h /r5g? to praise & to love ,god z ,i _c d n[4 ,b be=e ,i g ,i want once m to tell y h[ good ,he is1 h[ bless$ x is to suff] ) ,him1 h[ inf9itely happy ,he has made me 9 ! v hotte/ heat ( ! furnace4 ,x w /r5g!n y 9 y\r trials to recall ?is my dy+ te/imony4 ,!re is no wild]ness s dre>y b t ,8 love c illum9ate x1 no desolation s desolate b t ,he c sweet5 x4 ,i "k :at ,i am say+4 ,x is no delusion4 ,i believe t ! highe/1 pure/ happ9ess is kn[n only to ^? :o h le>n$ ,*ri/ 9 sick-rooms1 9 pov]ty1 9 rack+ susp5se & anxiety1 amid h>d%ips1 & at ! op5 grave4 ,yes1 ! radiant face1 worn by sickness & suff]+1 b radiant /ill1 said 9 language yet m unspeakably impressive1-- ,to le>n ,*ri/1 ?is is life6 ,i came into ! busy & noisy /reets z "o desc5d+ f ! m\nt1 & on rea*+ home f\nd my d>l+ ,una v ill 9 ,erne/'s arms4 ,%e _h fall51 & injur$ h] head4 ,h[ ,i _h pray$ t ,god w\ld temp] ! w9d to ?is %orn lamb1 & n[ %e _h _h su* a fall6 ,we wat*$ ov] h] till f> into ! night1 sc>cely speak+ to ea* o!r1 b ,i "k by ! way 9 :i* ,erne/ held my h& clasp$ 9 8 t h] preci\s life 0 9 dang]4 ,he cons5t$ at la/ to lie d[n1 b ,hel5 /ay$ ) me4 ,:at a night x 06 ,god only kn[s :at ! human he>t c exp]i5ce 9 a space ( "t t m5 call h\rs4 ,i w5t ov] all ! pa/ hi/ory ( ! *ild1 recall+ all h] sweet looks & words1 & my own secret rep9+ at ! delicate heal? t cut h] (f f s _m ( ! pleasures t belong to h] age4 ,& ! m ,i ?\ght1 ! m ,i clung to h]1 on :om1 frail z %e is1 ,i 0 beg9n+ to lean1 & ^: influ5ce 9 our home ,i c\ld n ?9k ( los+ )\t a %udd]4 ,alas1 my fai? seem$1 = a "t1 to flee1 & ,i see j :at a poor1 weak human be+ is )\t x4 ,b be=e daylight crept into my room light f on high /ream$ into my he>t1 & ,i gave ev5 ?is1 my ewe-lamb1 away1 z my free-w (f]+ to ,god4 ,c\ld ,i refuse ,him my *ild because %e 0 ! v apple ( my eye8 ,nay !n1 b let me give to ,him1 n :at1 ,i value lea/1 b :at ,i prize & delight 9 mo/4 ,c\ld ,i n endure he>t-sickness = ,him :o _h giv5 ,8 only ,son = me6 ,& j z ,i got to t sweet cons5t to suff]1 ,he :o _h only lift$ ! rod to try my fai? laid x d[n4 ,my d>l+ op5$ h] eyes & look$ at u intellig5tly1 & ) h] own lov+ smile4 ,b ,i d>$ n snat* h] & press h] to my he>t2 = h] sake ,i mu/ be outw>dly calm at lea/4 ,,june #f4-;,i am at home ) my preci\s ,una1 all ! re/ hav+ gone to *ur*4 ,%e lies peacefully on ! b$1 sadly disfigur$1 = ! "t1 b ,erne/ says he appreh5ds no dang] n[1 & we are a mo/ happy1 a mo/ ?ankful h\sehold4 ,! *ildr5 h all be5 greatly mov$ by ! ev5ts ( ! la/ few days1 & hov] ab\t _! si/] ) great sympa?y & t5d]ness4 ,:]e %e fell f1 or h[ %e fell1 no "o kn[s2 %e rememb]s no?+ ab\t x h]self1 & x w always rema9 a my/]y4 ,?is is ! second "t t ?is belov$ *ild has be5 return$ to u aft] we _h giv5 h] away to ,god4 ,& z ! giv+ co/ u t5-fold m n[ ?an x did :5 %e 0 a feeble baby1 s we receive h] z a fre% gift f our lov+ ,fa!r's h&1 ) t5-fold delight4 ,ah1 we h no excuse = n giv+ ourselves entirely to ,him4 ,he has reveal$ ,himself to u 9 s _m sorr[s & 9 s _m joys2 reveal$ ,himself z ,he do? n unto ! _w6 ,*apt] #bf ,,xxvi4 ,,may #ac4-,,?is has be5 a ,sunday to be held 9 long remembrance4 ,we 7 summon$ e>ly ?is morn+ to ,mrs4 ,campbell1 & h se5 h] joyful release f ! fett]s t h b\nd h] long4 ,h] loss to me is irrep>able4 ,b ,i truly ?ank ,god t "o m tir$ travel] _h a sweet welcome home4 ,i c m9i/] no long] to h] bodily wants1 & li/5 to h] c\nsels no m1 b %e has ent]$ z an inspiration into my life1 & ?r\gh all et]nity ,i %all bless ,god t ,he gave me t fai?ful1 pray+ fri5d4 ,h[ little !y "k :o langui% 9 :at seems useless sick-rooms1 or amid ! re/rictions ( frail heal?1 :at "w !y d = ,*ri/ by ! p[] ( sa9tly liv+1 & by ev5 fragm5t>y pray]s4 ,be=e h] words fade out ( my memory ,i want to write d[n1 f ha/y notes made at ! "t1 h] answ] to "s ( ! la/ que/ions ,i ask$ h] on e>?4 ,%e _h always enjoy$ int]vals ( comp>ative ease1 & x 0 9 "o ( ^! t ,i ask$ h] :at %e conceiv$ to be ! *>act]i/ics ( an advanc$ /ate ( grace4 ,%e repli$1 ,i ?9k t ! mature ,*ri/ian is always1 at all times1 & 9 all circum/ances1 :at he 0 9 8 be/ mom5ts 9 ! progressive /ages ( 8 life4 ,!re 7 seasons1 all along 8 c\rse1 :5 he lov$ ,god supremely2 :5 he embrac$ ! cross joyfully & p5it5tly2 :5 he held intimate communion ) ,*ri/1 & lov$ 8 neighbor z himself4 ,b he 0 always 9 t]ror1 le/ "u ! =ce ( temptation1 all ?is %\ld give place to deadness & dullness1 :5 he %\ld *afe & rebel 9 ! h\r ( trial1 & judge 8 fell[-man ) a h>% & bitt] judgm5t1 & give way to angry1 passionate emotions4 ,b ^! fluctuations cease1 aft] a "t1 to di/urb 8 peace4 ,love to ,*ri/ becomes ! abid+1 inmo/ pr9ciple ( 8 life2 he loves ,him r = :at ,he is1 ?an = :at ,he has done or w d = him individually1 & ,god's honor becomes s de> to him t he feels p]sonally w\nd$ :5 t is call$ 9 "q4 ,& ! w ( ,god becomes s de> to him t he loves x be/ :5 x 'triumphs at 8 co/4' ,once he only pray$ at set times & seasons1 & idoliz$ good frames & f]v5t emotions4 ,n[ he prays )\t ceas+1 & :e!r on ! m\nt or d[n 9 ! dep?s dep5ds :olly ^u ,8 ,savi\r4 ,8 old self-confid5ce has n[ giv5 place to *ild-l humility t w n let him take a /ep alone1 & ! sweet peace t is n[ habitual to him comb9$ ) ! s5se ( 8 own imp]fections1 fills him ) love to 8 fell[-man4 ,he he>s & believes & hopes & endures all ?+s & ?9ke? no evil4 ,! tones ( 8 voice1 ! v expression ( 8 c\nt5ance1 become *ang$1 love n[ controll+ :]e human passions held sway4 ,9 %ort1 he is n only a new creature 9 ,jesus ,*ri/1 b ! habitual & bless$ consci\sness t ?is is s4 ,^! words 7 spok5 delib]ately & ) reflection4 ,y h describ$ my "m1 j z %e 0 f ! mom5t h] only son1 ! la/ ( six1 0 tak5 f h]1 ,i said1 at la/4 ,i nev] q und]/ood h[ t f9al sorr[ wean$ h]1 s to say1 f h]self1 & made h] life all love to ,god & all love to man4 ,b ,i see x n[4 ,de> ,mrs4 ,campbell1 pray = me t ,i may yet we> h] mantle6 ,%e smil$ ) a significance t said %e _h already done s1 & !n we p>t$-p>t$ t %e might end h] pilgrimage & g to h] re/-p>t$ t ,i might pursue m9e1 ,i "k n h[ long1 nor amid h[ _m c>es1 & sorr[s1 nor ) :at we>9ess & he>t-sickness-p>t$ to meet aga9 9 ! pres5ce ( ,him we love1 ) ^? :o h come out ( great tribulation1 ^: robes h be5 made :ite 9 ! blood ( ! ,lamb1 & :o are be=e ! ?rone ( ,god1 & s]ve ,him day & night 9 ,8 temple1 to hung] no m1 nei!r ?ir/ any m1 = ! ,lamb :i* is 9 ! mid/ ( ! ?rone %all lead !m into liv+ f\nta9s ( wat]s2 & ,god %all wipe away all te>s f _! eyes4 ,,may #be4-,we 7 talk+ ( ,mrs4 ,campbell1 & ( h] bless$ life & bless$ dea?4 ,hel5 said x disc\rag$ & tr\bl$ h] to see & he> su* ?+s4 ,! la/ "t ,i saw h] :5 %e 0 able to conv]se1 said %e1 ,i told h] t :5 ,i reflect$ on my want ( submission to ,god's w1 ,i d\bt$ :e!r ,i really c\ld be ,8 *ild4 ,%e said1 9 h] g5tle1 sweet way-3 ',w\ld y v5ture to resi/ ,8 w1 if y c\ld8 ,w\ld y really h y\r de> ,james back aga9 9 ?is _w1 if y c\ld8 ',i w\ld1 ,i c]ta9ly w\ld1' ,i said4 ,%e return$1 ',i sometimes f9d x a help1 :5 dull & cramp$ 9 my devotions1 to say to myself3 ,suppose ,*ri/ %\ld n[ appe> be=e y1 & y c\ld see ,him z ,he appe>$ to ,8 disciples on e>?1 :at w\ld y say to ,him8 ,?is br+s ,him ne>1 & ,i say :at ,i w\ld say if ,he 7 visibly pres5t4 ,i d ! same :5 a new sorr[ ?reat5s me4 ,i imag9e my ,r$eem] z com+ p]sonally to say to me1 ,= y\r sake ,i am a man ( sorr[s & acqua9t$ ) grief2 n[ = ,my sake give me ?is *ild1 be> ?is burd51 submit to ?is loss4 ,c ,i refuse ,him8 ,n[1 de>1 he has really come ?us to y1 & ask$ y to %[ y\r love to ,him1 y\r fai? 9 ,him1 by giv+ ,him ! mo/ preci\s ( y\r treasures4 ,if ,he 7 "h at ?is mom5t1 & (f]$ to re/ore x to y1 w\ld y d>e to say1 ,yea1 ,"l1 ,i "k1 f> bett] ?an ,?\ do/1 :at is good = him & good = me2 ,i w h him return to me1 co/ :at x may2 9 ?is _w ( unc]ta9ties & disappo9tm5ts ,i %all be sure ( happ9ess 9 8 society1 & he w enjoy m "h on e>? ) me ?an he c\ld enjoy 9 ! companion%ip ( sa9ts & angels & ( ! ,"l ,himself 9 heav54 ,c\ld y d>e to say ?is8' ,oh1 ,katy1 :at /raits %e drove me into6 ,no1 ,i c\ld n d>e to say t6 ,!n1 my d>l+ little si/] ,i cri$1 y w give up--?is /ruggle8 ,y w let ,god d :at ,he w ) ,8 own8 ,i h to let ,him1 %e repli$2 b ,i submit because ,i mu/4 ,i look$ at h] g5tle1 pure face z %e utt]$ ^! words1 & c\ld only m>vel at ! w t _h no expression !re4 ,tell me1 %e said1 d y ?9k a real ,*ri/ian c feel z ,i d8 ,= my "p ,i d\bt x4 ,i d\bt ev]y?+4 ,d\bt ev]y?+1 b believe 9 ,*ri/1 ,i said4 ,suppose1 = argum5t's sake1 y are n a ,*ri/ian4 ,y c become "o n[4 ,! color rose 9 h] lovely face2 %e clasp$ h] h&s 9 a sort ( ec/asy4 ,yes1 %e said1 ,i c4 ,at la/ ,god _h s5t h] ! ^w %e want$4 ,,may #bh4-;,hel5 came to breakfa/ ?is morn+ 9 a simple :ite dress4 ,i _h n "t to tell ! *ildr5 n to allude to x1 s !y began 9 *orus3 ,:y1 ,aunt ,hel56 y h put on a :ite dress6 ,:y1 ,aunty1 h[ que] y look6 ,hurrah6 if %e don't look l o!r folks6 ,%e bore x all ) h] usual g5tl5ess2 or r ) a positive sweetness t captivat$ !m z h] negative pati5ce _h nev] done4 ,i said no?+ to h]1 nor did %e to me till late 9 ! day1 :5 %e came to me1 & said3 ,katy1 ,god taught y :at to say4 ,all ^! ye>s ,i h be5 torm5t+ myself ) d\bts1 z to :e!r ,i c\ld be ,8 *ild :ile s unable to say1 ,?y w be done4 ,if y _h said1 ',:y1 yes1 y mu/ be ,8 *ild1 = y pr(ess$ y\rself "o a long "t ago1 & ev] s9ce h liv$ l "o1' ,i %\ld h rema9$ z wret*$ z ev]4 ,z x is1 a m\nta9 has be5 roll$ (f1 my he>t4 ,yes1 if ,i 0 n ,8 *ild ye/]day1 ,i c become "o to-day2 if ,i did n love ,him !n1 ,i c beg9 n[4 ,i d n d\bt t1 %e 0 ,8 *ild1 ye/]day & la/ ye>1 & ye>s ago4 ,b let h] ?9k1 :at %e pleases4 ,a new life is op5+ be=e h]2 ,i believe x is to be a life ( entire devotion to ,god1 & t out ( h] sorr[ !re %all spr+ up a wondr\s joy4 ,,sept4 #b1 ,sweet ,bri> ,f>m4-,erne/ sp5t ,sunday ) u1 & ,i h j driv5 him to ! /ation & se5 him safely (f4 ,?+s h prosp]$ ) u to su* a degree t he has be5 extravagant en\gh to give me ! use1 = ! summ]1 ( a bonnie little nag & an antiquat$ vehicle1 & ,i h le>n$ to drive4 ,to be sure ,i broke "o ( ! %afts ( ! poor old ?+ ! fir/ "t ,i v5tur$ =? alone1 & ! o!r day--ne>ly upset my c>go ( *ildr5 9 a pond :]e ,i 0 silly en\gh to und]take to wat] my horse4 ,b ,erne/1 z usual1 _h pati5ce ) me & begg$ me to sp5d z mu* "t z possible 9 driv+ ab\t ) ! *ildr54 ,x is a new exp]i5ce1 & ,i enjoy x q z mu* z he hop$ ,i %\ld4 ,hel5 is n ) u2 %e has sp5t ! :ole summ] ) ,m>?a2 = ,m>?a1 poor ?+1 is suff]+ t]ribly f rheumatism & is almo/ entirely helpless4 ,i am s sorry = h]1 aft] s _m ye>s ( vigor\s heal?1 h[ h>d x mu/ be to endure ?is pa94 ,) ?is drawback1 we h _h a delightful summ]2 n "o sick day2 nor "o sick night4 ,) no baby to keep me awake1 ,i sleep /raight ?r\gh1 z ,raymond says1 & wake 9 ! morn+ refre%$ & *e]ful4 ,we %all h to g home soon2 h[ cruel x seems to br+ up *ildr5 9 a great city6 ,yet :at c be done ab\t x8 ,:]ev] !re are m5 & wom5 !re mu/ be *ildr52 :at a h[l+ wild]ness ei!r city or c\ntry w\ld be )\t !m6 ,! only drawback on my felicity is ! sep>ation1 f ,erne/1 :i* becomes m pa9ful e ye> to u bo?4 ,god has bless$ our m>ri$ life2 x has _h its waves & its bill[s1 b1 ?anks unto ,him1 x has at la/ settl$ d[n into a calm sea ( untr\bl$ peace4 ,:ile ,i 0 secretly braid+ my de> husb& = giv+ s att5tion to 8 pr(ession z to neglect me & my *ildr51 he 0 becom+1 e day1 m ! ideal ( a physician1 cool1 calm1 ?\ghtful1 /udi\s1 ready to sacrifice 8 life at any mom5t 9 ! int]e/s ( humanity4 ,h[ (t5 ,i h mi/ak5 8 preoccupi$ air = indiff]5ce2 h[ _m times ,i h inw>dly accus$ him ( coldness1 :5 8 :ole he>t & s\l 7 fill$ ) ! grave problem ( life1 aye1 & ( dea? likewise4 ,b we und]/& ea* o!r n[1 & ,i am sure t ,god dealt wisely & k9dly ) u :5 ,he br\ght toge!r two su* opposite natures4 ,no man ( my vehem5t nature c\ld h borne ) me z ,erne/ has done1 & if he _h m>ri$ a woman z calm1 z undemon/rative z himself :at a /range home 8 w\ld h be5 = ! nurture ( little *ildr58 ,b ! he>t 0 9 him1 & only want$ to be wak$ up1 & my life has call$ =? music f 84 ,ah1 !re are no p>t+s & meet+s n[ t leave discords 9 ! remembrance1 no neglect$ bir?days1 no =gott5 c\rtesies4 ,x is beautiful to see ! ?\ghtful br[ relax 9 pres5ce ( wife & *ildr51 & to "k t ours is1 at la/1 ! happy home ,i s long sigh$ =4 ,is ! *ange all 9 ,erne/8 ,is x n possible t ,i h gr[n m reasonable1 less *ildi% & aggravat+8 ,we are at a f>m-h\se4 ,ev]y?+ is pla91 b neat & nice4 ,i ask$ ,mrs4 ,br[n1 our ho/ess2 ! o!r day1 if %e did n envy me my f\r little pets2 %e smil$1 said !y 7 ! be/ *ildr5 %e ev] saw1 & t x 0 well to h a family if y h means to />t !m 9 ! _w2 = h] "p1 %e liv$ f1 h& to m\? z x 01 & 0 sure %e c\ld nev] /& ! worry & c>e ( a h\se full ( "y ones4 ,b ! worry & c>e is only half ! /ory1 ,i said4 ,! o!r half is pure joy & delight4 ,p]haps s1 to p t are well-to-d1 %e repli$2 b to poor folks1 driv5 to dea? z we are1 x's ano!r ?+4 ,i 0 tell+ him ye/]day :at a m]cy x 0 !re wasn't any "y ones r\nd "u my feet1 & ,i c\ld take city bo>d]s1 & help "w (f ! mortgage on ! f>m4 ,& :at did y\r husb& say to t8 ,well1 he said we 7 "y & he>ty1 & !re 0 no su* te>+ hurry ab\t ! mortgage & t he'd give 8 "r h& to h a c\ple ( boys l y\rs4 ,well8--,:y1 ,i said1 suppos+ we _h a c\ple1 ( boys1 !y w\ldn't be l y\rs1 dress$ to look g5teel & to h _! g5teel ways b a pair ( wild colts1 into ev]y?+1 te>+ _! clo!s (f _! backs1 & wa/+ fa/] ?an we c\ld e>n4 ,he said 'twasn't ! clo!s1 'twas ! fle% & blood he want$1 & 'twasn't no use to argufy ab\t x2 a man t hadn't got any *ildr5 wasn't mor'n half a man4 ',well1' says ,i1 suppos+ y _h a pack (1 'em1 :at h y got to give 'em8' ',je/ exactly :at my fa!r & "m gave me1' says he2 'two h&s to e>n _! bread )1 & a welcome y c\ld h he>d f ,dan to ,be]%eba4' ,i l to he> t6 ,i said4 ,& ,i hope _m su* welcomes w res\nd 9 ?is h\se4 ,suppose money does come 9 :ile little goes-out2 suppose y get possession ( ! :ole f>m2 :at !n8 ,:o w enjoy x ) y8 ,:o w y leave x to :5 y die8 ,& 9 y\r old age :o w c>e = y8 ,y seem awful e>ne/1 %e said4 ,yes1 ,i am 9 e>ne/4 ,i want to see little *ildr5 adorn+ e home1 z fl[]s adorn e mead[ & e wayside4 ,i want to see !m welcom$ to ! homes !y ent]1 to see _! p>5ts gr[ less & less selfi%1 & m & m lov+1 because !y h come4 ,i want to see ,god's preci\s gifts accept$1 n fr[n$ ^u & refus$4 ,mr4 ,br[n came 91 s ,i c\ld say no m4 ,b my he>t w>m$ t[>ds him1 z ,i look$ at 8 frank good-humor$ face1 & ,i %\ld h be5 glad to give him ! "r h& ( fell[%ip1 ,z x 0 ,i c\ld only say a ^w or two ab\t ! beauty ( 8 f>m1 & ! sc5]y ( ?is :ole region4 ,yes1 he said1 gratifi$ t ,i appreciat$ 8 fields & groves1 x is a torm5t$ pretty-lay+ f>m4 ,"p ( x 0 h] fa!r's1 & "p ( x 0 my fa!r's2 !re a9't ano!r l x 9 ! c\ntry4 ,z to ! sc5]y1 ,i don't "k z ,i ev] look$ at x2 city folks talk a good deal ab\t x1 b !y've no?+ to d b look r\nd4 ,walt] came trott+ 9 on two b>e1 :ite feet1 & ) 8 %oes 9 8 h&4 ,he _h _h 8 nap1 felt1 z bright2 & fre% z he look$ rosy1 & ,i did n wond] at ,mr4 ,br[n's cat*+ him up & clasp+ 8 sunburnt arms ab\t ! little fell[1 & press+ him aga9/ ! w>m he>t t ye>n$ = ne/l+s ( its own4 ,sept4 #bc-;,home aga91 & ! full ( ! ?\s& c>es t foll[ ! summ] & prec$e ! w9t]4 ,b let mo!rs & wives fret z !y w1 !y enjoy ^! labors ( love1 & w\ld feel lo/ )\t !m4 ,= :at am\nt ( leisure1 ease & com=t w\ld ,i ex*ange husb& & *ildr5 & ?is busy home8 ,m>?a is bett]1 & ,hel5 has come back to u4 ,i don't "k h[ we h liv$ )\t h] s long4 ,h] life seems necess>y to ! completion ( e "o ( ours4 ,"s o!rs h fanci$ x necess>y to ! completion ( !irs1 b %e has n a gre$ ) !m4 ,we are glad en\gh to keep h]2 & yet ,i hope ! day w come :5 %e1 s wor?y ( x1 w ta/e ! sweet joys ( wifehood & mo!rhood4 ,,janu>y #a1 #ahec4-;,x is n always s easy to practice1 z x is to prea*4 ,i c see 9 my wisdom =ty reasons = hav+ f\r *ildr5 & no m4 ,! com=t ( sleep+ 9 peace1 ( hav+ a little "t to read1 & to keep on ) my music2 /r5g? ) :i* to look aft] ,erne/'s poor p :5 !y are sick2 &1 to tell ! tru?1 /r5g? to be bright & fre% & lovable to him--all ^! little joys h be5 gr[+ v preci\s to me1 & n[--,i mu/ give !m up4 ,i want to d x *e]fully & )\t a fr[n4 ,b ,i f9d ,i love to h my own way1 & t at ! v mom5t ,i 0 ask+ ,god to appo9t my "w = me1 ,i 0 secretly m>k+ x out = myself4 ,x is mortify+ to f9d my w less 9 h>mony ) ,8 ?an ,i ?\ght x 02 & t ,i want to prescribe to ,him h[ ,i %all sp5d ! "t & ! heal? & ! /r5g? :i* are ,81 n m9e4 ,b ,i w n re/ until till ?is /ruggle is ov]2 till ,i c say ) a smile1 ,n my w6 ,n my w6 ,b ,?9e6 ,we h be51 ?is w9t]1 "o ( ! happie/ families on e>?4 ,our love to ea* o!r1 ,erne/'s & m9e1 ?\gh n p]fect-no?+ on e>? is-has gr[n less selfi%1 m ,*ri/-l2 x has be5 sanctifi$ by pray] & by ! sorr[s we h borne toge!r4 ,!n ! *ildr5 h be5 well & happy1 & ! s\rce ( almo/ unmitigat$ joy & com=t4 ,& ,hel5's pres5ce 9 ?is home1 h] si/]ly affection1 h] pati5ce ) ! *ildr5 & h] influ5ce ov] !m1 is a b5$iction = :i* ,i _c be ?ankful en\gh4 ,h[ delightful x is to h a si/]6 ,i ?9k x is n (t5 ! case t own si/]s h su* p]fect ,*ri/ian sympa?y ) ea* o!r z we h4 ,ev] s9ce ! day %e ceas$ to torm5t h]self ) ! fe> t %e 0 n a *ild ( ,god1 & laid aside ! sombre g>m5ts %e _h worn s long1 %e has _h a peace t has h>dly kn[n a cl\d4 ,%e says1 9 a note writt5 me ab\t ! "t3 ,i want y to "k1 my d>l+ si/]1 t ! despond5cy t made my affliction s h>d to be> fl$ be=e ^? words ( y\rs :i*1 z ,i h already told y1 ,god taught y to speak4 ,i d n "k :e!r ,i 0 really ,8 *ild1 at ! "t1 or n4 ,i _h c]ta9ly _h an exp]i5ce v diff]5t f y\rs2 pray] _h nev] be5 mu* m to me ?an a duty2 & ,i _h nev] felt ! sweetness ( t h>mony betwe5 ,god & ,i ! human s\l t ,i n[ "k c take away all ! bitt]ness f ! cup ( sorr[4 ,i knew-:o c help kn[+ x t reads ,god's ^w8-t he requir$ submission f ,8 *ildr5 & t ,8 *ildr5 gave x1 no matt] :at x co/4 ,! ,bible is full ( beautiful expressions ( x2 s are our hymns2 s are ! writt5 lives ( all good m5 & good wom52 & ,i h se5 x 9 y1 my de> ,katy1 at ! v mom5t y 7 accus+ y\rself ( ! want ( x4 ,entire on5ess ( ! w ) ! ,div9e ,w seem to me to be ! law & ! gospel ( ! ,*ri/ian life2 & ?is evid5ce ( a r5ew$ nature1 ,i f\nd want+ 9 myself4 ,at any mom5t dur+ ! ?ree ye>s foll[+ ,james' dea? ,i w\ld h snat*$ away f ,god1 if ,i c\ld2 ,i 0 mis]ably lonely & desolate )\t him1 n m]ely because he _h be5 s mu*1 to me1 b because 8 loss reveal$ to me ! di/ance betwe5 ,*ri/ & my s\l4 ,all ,i c\ld d 0 to g on pray+1 ye> aft] ye>1 9 a dre>y1 hopeless way1 t ,i might le>n to say1 z ,david did1 ',i op5$ n my m\? because ,?\ did/ x4' ,:5 y sugge/$ t in/ead ( try+ to figure out :e!r ,i _h lov$ ,god1 ,i %\ld beg9 to love ,him n[1 light broke 9 ^u my s\l2 ,i gave myself to ,him t in/ant & z soon z ,i c\ld get away by myself ,i fell ^u my knees & gave myself up to ! s5se ( ,8 sov]eignty = ! fir/ "t 9 my life4 ,!n1 too1 ,i look$ at my 'light affliction1' & at ! 'weight ( glory' side by side1 & ?ank$ ,him t ?r\gh ! "o ,he _h reveal$ to me ! o!r4 ,katy1 ,i "k ! human he>t is deceitful above all ?+s1 b ,i ?9k x w\ld be a di%onor to ,god to d\bt t ,he !n reveal$ ,himself to me z ,he do? n to ! _w1 & t ! sweet peace ,i !n f\nd 9 yield+ to ,him w be m or less m9e s long z ,i live4 ,oh1 if all suff]]s c\ld le>n :at ,i h le>n$6 t e brok5 he>t c\ld be heal$ z m9e has be5 heal$6 ,my preci\s si/]1 _c we make ?is "o "p ( our mission on e>?1 to pray = e sorr[-/rick5 s\l1 & :5ev] we h influ5ce ov] su*1 to lead x to honor ,god by in/ant ob$i5ce to ,8 w1 :atev] t may be8 ,i h di%onor$ ,him by ye>s ( rebelli\s1 c>efully-nurs$ sorr[2 ,i want to honor ,him n[ by ye>s ( resignation & grateful joy4 ,read+ ?is lett] ov] 9 my pres5t mood has done me good4 ,m beautiful fai? 9 ,god ?an ,hel5's ,i h nev] se52 let me h x1 too4 ,may ?is pray]1 :i*1 "u ! inspiration ( ! mom5t1 ,i c (f] )\t a misgiv+1 become ! habitual1 deep-seat$ desire ( my s\l3 ,br+ into captivity e ?\ght to ! ob$i5ce ( ,*ri/4 ,take :at ,i _c give--my he>t1 body1 ?\ghts1 "t1 abilities1 money1 heal?1 /r5g?1 nights1 days1 y\?1 age1 & sp5d !m 9 ,?y s]vice1 ,o my crucifi$ ,ma/]1 ,r$eem]1 ,god4 ,oh1 let ^! n be m]e words6 ,:om h ,i 9 heav5 b ,!e8 & !re is none ^u e>? t ,i desire 9 comp>ison ( ,!e4 ,my he>t is a?ir/ = ,god1 = ! liv+ ,god4 ,:5 %all ,i come & appe> be=e ,god8 ,*apt] #bg ,,xxvii4 ,,augu/ #a ,i ,,h j writt5 to ,mrs4 ,br[n to "k :e!r %e w take u = ! re/ ( ! summ]4 ,a c]ta9 little man1 n a v old little man ei!r1 has kept u 9 t[n till n[4 ,s9ce he has come1 we are all v glad ( him1 ?\gh he came on 8 own invitation1 br\ght no w>drobe ) him1 does n pay = 8 bo>d1 nev] speaks a ^w1 takes no notice ( u1 & wants m wait+ on ?an any "o else 9 ! h\se4 ,! *ildr5 are full ( delici\s curiosity ab\t him1 & ov]:elm him ) pres5ts ( ! mo/ het]og5e\s "*4 ,sweet ,bri> ,f>m1 ,,aug4 #i4-,we got !re ?is aft]noon1 bag & baggage4 ,i _h n said a ^w to ,mrs4 ,br[n ab\t ! addition to our family circle1 kn[+ %e _h pl5ty ( room1 & z we alight$ f ! c>riage1 ,i snat*$ my baby f 8 nurse's arms & ran gaily up ! walk ) him 9 m9e4 ,if ?is spl5did fell[ doesn't conv]t h] no?+ w1 ,i said to myself4 ,at t in/ant :at %\ld ,i see b ,mrs4 ,br[n1 runn+ to meet me ) a boy 9 h] arms exactly l ,mr4 ,br[n1 only n q six feet long1 & n sunburnt4 ,!re6 ,i cri$1 hold+ up my little old man4 ,!re6 said %e1 hold+ up h]s4 ,we laugh$ till we cri$2 %e took my baby & ,i took h]s2 aft] look+ at him ,i lik$ m9e bett] ?an ev]2 aft] look+ at m9e %e 0 p]fectly satisfi$ ) h]s4 ,we got into ! h\se at la/2 t is to say1 we mo!rs did2 ! *ildr5 d>t$ ?r\gh x & out ( ! door t l$ to ! fields & woods1 & vani%$ 9 ! tw9kl+ ( an eye4 ,mrs4 ,br[n _h always be5 a pretty woman1 ) bright eyes1 %9+1 well-kept hair1 & a color 9 h] *eeks l ! rose :i* _h giv5 its "n to h] f>m4 ,b !re 0 n[ a new beauty 9 h] face2 ! my/]i\s & sacr$ suff]+s & joys ( mat]nity _h giv5 x ?\ght & feel+4 ,i _h no idea ,i %\ld be s fond ( a baby1 %e said1 kiss+ x1 :5ev] %e /opp$ to put 9 a comma2 b ,i don't "k h[ ,i ev] got along )\t "o4 ,he's (f at "w ne>ly ! :ole day1 & :5 ,i _h got ?r\gh ) m9e1 & _h put on my aft]noon dress1 & 0 ready to sit d[n1 y c't ?9k h[ lonesome x 04 ,b n[ by ! "t ,i am dress$1 baby is ready to g out to get ! air2 he kn[s ! m9ute he sees me br+ out 8 little hat t he is go+ to see 8 fa!r & he's awful fond ( 8 fa!r4 ,?\gh t isn't s /range1 ei!r1 = 8 fa!r's awful fond ( him4 ,all 8 little ways are s pretty1 & he nev] cries unless he's hungry or tir$4 ,tell "m a pretty /ory n[2 yes1 "m he>s1 bless 8 little he>t6 ,!n :5 ,mr4 ,br[n came home to 8 supp]1 8 face 0 a sight to see1 z he caught sight ( me at my op5 w9d[1 & came to x ) ! *ild's :ite arms cl++ to 8 neck1 look+ z happy & z ba%ful z a girl4 ,y see %e mu/ ne$s g to qu>t]+ ?is b\nc+ "y "o on to me1 he said1 z if ,i didn't h to "w h>d en\gh be=e4 ,well1 maybe he'll get 8 fe$ (f ! f>m2 we'll see :at we c d4 ,mamma1 ,una :isp]$1 z he w5t (f 8 facsimile1 to kiss x raptur\sly1 beh9d a woodpile1 d y ?9k ,mrs4 ,br[n's baby v pretty8 ,:i* 0 s mild a way ( sugge/+ ! fact ( ! case1 t ,i kiss$ h] )\t try+ to hide my amusem5t4 ,,aug4 #aj4-;,aft] be+ coop$ up 9 t[n s l>ge a "p ( ! summ]1 ! *ildr5 are ne>ly wild ) delight at be+ 9 ! c\ntry once m4 ,ev5 our demure ,una skips ab\t ) a buoyancy ,i h nev] se5 9 h]2 %e nev] has h] ill turns :5 out ( ! city1 & ,i wi%1 = h] sake1 we c\ld always live "h4 ,z to ,raymond & ,walt]1 ,i nev] pret5d to see !m except at _! meals & _! b$time2 !y j live outdoors1 foll[+ ! m5 at _! "w1 ask+ all sorts ( absurd que/ions1 :i* ,mr4 ,br[n reports to me e night1 ) %\ts ( delight$ laught]4 ,two gay & gladsome boys !y are2 really good )\t be+ priggi%2 ,i don't ?9k ,i c\ld /& t4 ,p ask me h[ x happ5s t my *ildr5 are all s promptly ob$i5t & s happy4 ,z if x *anc$ t "s p>5ts h su* *ildr51 or *anc$ t "s h n6 ,i am afraid x is only too true1 z "s "o has rem>k$1 t ?is is ! age ( ob$i5t p>5ts6 ,:at !n w be ! future ( _! *ildr58 ,h[ c !y yield to ,god :o h nev] be5 taught to yield to human au?ority8 ,& h[ well fitt$ w !y be to rule _! own h\seholds :o h nev] le>n$ to rule !mselves8 ,,aug4 #ca4-,?is has be5 "o ( ^? cold1 dismal1 ra9y days :i* are n infrequ5t dur+ ! mon? ( ,augu/4 ,s ! *ildr5 h be5 oblig$ to give up ! op5 air1 ( :i* !y are s fond1 & fall back ^u :at ent]ta9m5t c\ld be f\nd )9 ! h\se4 ,i h read to !m ! little j\rnal ,i kept dur+ ! :ole life ( ! bro!r ,i am n will+ !y %\ld =get4 ,8 qua9t & sagaci\s say+s 7 delici\s to !m2 ! hi/ory ( 8 fir/ /eps1 8 fir/ words s\nd$ to !m l a fairy tale4 ,& ! /ory ( 8 la/ /eps1 8 la/ words on e>?1 _h = !m su* a t5d] *>m1 t !re 0 a cry ( disappo9tm5t f !m all1 :5 ,i clos$ ! little book & told !m we %\ld h to wait till we got to heav5 be=e we c\ld "k any?+ m ab\t 8 preci\s life4 ,h[ ?ankful ,i am t ,i kept ?is j\rnal1 & t ,i h almo/ z *>m+ ones ab\t mo/ ( my o!r *ildr56 ,:at ,i spe$ily =got amid ! pressure ( c>es & ( new ev5ts is safely writt5 d[n1 & w be ! s\rce ( endless pleasure to !m long aft] ! h& t wrote has ceas$ f its labors1 & lies inactive & at re/4 ,ah1 x is a bless$ ?+ to be a "m6 ,,septemb] #a4-,?is baby ( m9e1 is c]ta9ly ! sweete/ & be/ ,i ev] _h ,i feel an inexpressible t5d]ness = x1 :i* ,i _c q expla9 to myself1 = ,i h lov$ !m all de>ly1 mo/ de>ly4 ,p]haps x is s ) all mo!rs1 p]haps !y all gr[ m lov+1 m =be>+1 m pati5t z !y gr[ old]1 & ye>n ov] ^! helpless little ones ) an ev]-increas+1 yet *a/5$ delight4 ,"o _c help %elt]+ _! t5d] infancy1 :o w s soon pass =? to fight ! battle ( life1 ea* "o wag+ an invisible w>f>e aga9/ invisible foes4 ,h[ ?ankfully we w\ld fight x = !m1 if we might6 ,,septemb] #bj4-,! morn+s & ev5+s are v cool n[1 :ile 9 ! middle ( ! day x is q hot4 ,erne/ comes to see u v (t51 "u ! pret5se t he c't tru/ me ) s "y a baby 6 ,he is s t5d] & ?\ghtful1 & spoils me s1 t ?is _w is v bright to me2 ,i am a little jeal\s ( x2 ,i don't want to be s happy 9 ,erne/1 or 9 my *ildr51 z to =get = "o in/ant t ,i am a pilgrim & a /rang] on e>?4 ,,ev5+4-,!re is no dang] t ,i %all4 ,erne/ sudd5ly made 8 appe>ance to-night1 & 9 a great bur/ ( di/ress q unlike any?+ ,i ev] saw 9 him1 reveal$ to me t he _h be5 feel+ ! greate/ anxiety ab\t me ev] s9ce ! baby came4 ,x is all nons5se4 ,i c\gh1 to be sure2 b t x is ow+ to ! v>y+ temp]ature we always h at ?is season4 ,i %all get ov]1 x z soon z we get home1 ,i d>e say4 ,b suppose ,i %\ld n2 :at !n8 ,c\ld ,i leave ?is preci\s little flock1 unc>$ =1 unt5d$8 ,h ,i fai? to believe t if ,god calls me away f !m1 x w be 9 love to !m8 ,i d n "k4 ,! ?\ght ( gett+ away f ! s9 t /ill s easily besets me is v delightful1 & ,i h enjoy$ s _m1 _m su* =eta/es ( ! bliss ( heav5 t ,i "k ,i %\ld be happy !re1 b !n my *ildr51 all ( !m "u twelve ye>s old6 ,i w n *oose1 ,i d>e n4 ,my m>ri$ life has be5 a beautiful "o4 ,x is true t s9 & folly1 & sickness & sorr[1 h m>r$ its p]fection1 b x has be5 adorn$ by a love :i* has nev] falt]$4 ,my faults h nev] ali5at$ ,erne/2 8 faults1 = l o!r human be+s he has !m1 h nev] ov]come my love to him4 ,?is has be5 ! gift ( ,god 9 answ] to our con/ant pray]1 t :atev] o!r b]eavem5t we might h to suff]1 we might nev] be b]eft ( ?is b5$iction4 ,x has be5 ! glad secret ( a happy m>riage1 & ,i wi% ,i c\ld tea* x to e human be+ :o ent]s ^u a /ate t mu/ br+ ) x ! dep? ( mis]y1 or life's mo/ sacr$ & my/]i\s joy4 ,,octob] #f4-;,erne/ has let me /ay "h to see ! autumnal foliage 9 its ravi%+ beauty = ! fir/1 p]haps = ! la/1 "t4 ,! woods & fields & groves are light+ up my v s\l6 ,x seems z if autumn _h caught ! inspiration & ! gl[ ( summ]1 _h hidd5 its floral beauty1 its gorge\s sunsets & its b[ ( promise 9 its he>t ( he>ts1 & 0 n[ fla%+ x =? ^u ! _w ) a lavi% & opul5t h&4 ,i c h>dly te> myself away1 & return to ! prose ( city life4 ,b ,erne/ has come = u1 & is eag] to get u home be=e cold] wea!r4 ,i laugh at 8 anxiety ab\t 8 old wife4 ,:y ne$ he fancy t ?is trifl+ c\gh is n to give way z x (t5 has done be=e8 ,de> ,erne/6 ,i nev] knew t he lov$ me s4 ,,octob] #ca4-;,erne/'s fe> t he _h let me /ay too long 9 ! c\ntry does n seem to be ju/ifi$4 ,we w5t s late t ,i want$ to indulge ! *ildr5 by /ay+ late4 ,s we h only j got home4 ,i feel ab\t z well z usual2 x is true ,i h a little sor5ess a b\t ! *e/1 b x does n signify any?+4 ,i nev] 0 s happy1 9 my husb& & *ildr51 9 o!r words 9 my home1 z ,i am n[4 ,life looks v attractive4 ,i am glad t ,i am go+ to get well4 ,b ,erne/ wat*es me c>efully1 & want me1 z a precaution>y measure1 to give up music1 writ+1 sew+1 & pa9t+-! v ?+s t occupy me6 & lead an idle1 useless life1 = a "t4 ,i _c refuse :at he asks s t5d]ly1 & z a p]sonal favor to himself4 ,yet ,i %\ld l to fill ! rema9+ pages ( my j\rnal2 ,i nev] l to leave ?+s incomplete4 ,,june #a1 #aheh4-;,i wrote t sev5 ye>s ago1 little dream+ h[ long x1 w\ld be be=e ,i %\ld use a p54 ,sev5 happy ye>s ago6 ,i suppose t "s :o h kn[n :at my outw>d life has be5 dur+ ?is p]iod w\ld ?9k ( me z a m]e object ( pity4 ,!re has c]ta9ly be5 suff]+ & deprivation en\gh to ju/ify ! sympa?y ( my de> husb& & *ildr5 & ! l>ge circle ( fri5ds :o h ralli$ ab\t u4 ,h[ little we knew we _h s _m6 ,god has dealt v t5d]ly ) me4 ,i 0 n /rick5 d[n by sudd5 disease1 nor 7 ! ?+s ,i delight$ 9 all tak5 away at once4 ,!re 0 a gradual loss ( /r5g? & gradual increase ( suff]+1 & x 0 only by degrees t ,i 0 ask$ to give up ! employm5ts 9 :i* ,i'd delight$1 my h\sehold duties1 my visits to ! sick & suff]+1 ! society ( belov$ fri5ds4 ,p]haps ,erne/ p]ceiv$ & felt my deprivations soon] ?an ,i did2 8 sympa?y always seem$ to out-run my disappo9tm5ts4 ,:5 ,i comp>e him1 z he is n[1 ) :at he 0 :5 ,i fir/ knew him ,i bless ,god = all ! preci\s lessons ,he has taught him at my co/4 ,!re1 is a t5acity & p]si/5ce ab\t 8 love = me t has made ^! ye>s almo/ z we>isome to him z !y h be5 to me4 ,z to myself1 if ,i _h be5 told :at ,i 0 to le>n ?r\gh ^! protract$ suff]+s ,i am afraid ,i %\ld h %runk back 9 t]ror & s h lo/ all ! sweet lessons ,god propos$ to tea* me4 ,z x is ,he has l$ me on1 /ep by /ep1 answ]+ my pray]s 9 ,8 own way2 & ,i _c be> to h a s+le human be+ d\bt t x has be5 a p]fect way4 ,i love & adore x j z x is4 ,p]haps ! susp5se has be5 "o ( ! mo/ try+ features ( my case4 ,j z ,i h unclasp$ my h& f my de> ,erne/'s2 j z ,i h let g my almo/ frantic hold ( my d>l+ *ildr52 j z heav5 op5$ be=e me & ,i fanci$ my we>9ess ov] & my w&]+s done2 j !n almo/ e al>m+ symptom w\ld disappe> & life recall me f ! ?re%old ( heav5 itself4 ,?us ,i h be5 empti$ f vessel to vessel1 til ,i h le>n$ t he only is truly happy :o has no long] a *oice ( 8 own1 & lies passive 9 ,god's h&4 ,ev5 n[ no "o c =etell ! issue ( ?is sickness4 ,we live a day at a "t n kn[+ :at %all be on ! morr[4 ,b :e!r ,i live or die my happ9ess is secure & s ,i believe is ( my belov$ ones4 ,?is is a true picture ( our home3 ,a sick-room full ( ! suff]+ ravages ! body b _c t\* ! s\l4 ,a worn1 wa/+ "m m9i/]$ unto by a devot$ husb& & by unselfi% ,*ri/ian *ildr54 ,"s ( ! peace ( ,god if n all ( x1 %9es 9 e face1 is he>d 9 e tone4 ,x is a home t typifies & =e%ad[s ! home t is p]fect & et]nal4 ,our de> ,hel5 has be5 giv5 u = ?is em]g5cy4 ,is x n /range t see+ our dome/ic life %\ld h awak5$ 9 h] "s ye>n+s = a home & a he>t & *ildr5 ( h] own4 ,%e has said t !re 0 a we>y po9t 9 h] life :5 %e made up h] m9d t %e 0 nev] to "k ^! joys4 ,b %e accept$ h] lot gracefully4 ,i d n "k any o!r ^w t describes s well ! beautiful (f]+ %e made ( h] life to ,god & !n to u4 ,he accept$ x1 & z giv5 h] all ! c>es & responsibilities ( dome/ic life )\t ! transc5d5t joys t su/a9 ! wife & ! "m4 ,%e has be5 all 9 all to our *ildr5 & ,god has be5 all 9 all to h]4 ,& %e is happy 9 ,8 s]vice & 9 our love4 ,,june #bj-;,x took me ne>ly two weeks to write ! above at int]vals z my /r5g? all[$4 ,erne/ has cons5t$ to my f9i%+ ?is volume1 ( :i* s few pages yet rema94 ,& he let me see a de> old fri5d :o came all ! way f my native t[n to see me-,dr4 ,eaton1 our family physician z long z ,i c\ld rememb]4 ,he is ( an advanc$ age b full ( vigor1 8 eye bright1 & ) a heal?ful gl[ on 8 *eek4 ,b he says he is wait+ & long+ = 8 summons home4 ,ab\t t home we _h a delightful talk toge!r t did my v he>t good4 ,!n he made me tell him ab\t ?is long sickness & ! ye>s ( frail heal? & "s ( ! sorr[s ?r\gh :i* ,i _h toil$4 ,ah1 ^! lovely *ildr5 are expla9$ n[1 he said4 ,d y really ?9k1 ,i ask$1 t x has be5 good = my *ildr5 to h a feeble1 afflict$ "m8 ,yes1 ,i really ?9k s4 ,a discipl9$ "m--discipl9$ *ildr54 ,?is com=t+ ?\ght is "o ( ! la/ drops 9 a cup ( felicity already full4 ,,june #b-;,ano!r ,sunday1 & all at *ur* except my d>l+ ,una :o keeps wat* ov] h] "m4 ,^! ,sundays :5 ,i h _h !m ea* alone 9 turn h be5 bless$ days to !m & to me4 ,surely ?is is "s comp5sation = :at !y lose 9 me ( heal? & vigor4 ,i "k ! /ate ( ea* s\l z f> z x c be kn[n1 & h e reason to believe t my *ildr5 all love my ,savi\r & are try+ to live = ,him4 ,i h le>n$ at la/ n to despise ! day ( small ?+s1 to *]i% ! t5d]e/ blossom1 & to expect my de> ones to be imp]fect be=e !y become p]fect ,*ri/ians4 ,una is a sweet compos$ "y girl n[ eighte5 ye>s old & :at c ,i say m ( ! love h] bro!rs be> h] ?an ?is3 !y nev] tease h]4 ,%e has long ceas$ ask+ :y %e mu/ h delicate heal? :5 s _m o!rs ( h] age are full ( animal life & vigor b /&s 9 h] lot & place do+ :at %e c1 suff]+ :at %e mu/1 ) a meekness t makes h] lovely 9 my eyes1 & t ,i am sure unites h] closely to ,*ri/4 ,,june #bg4-;,x 0 ,raymond's turn to /ay ) me to-day4 ,he op5$ 8 he>t to me m freely ?an he _h ev] done be=e4 ,mamma1 he began1 if papa is will+1 ,i h made up my m9d-t is to say if ,i get dec5tly good-to g on a mission4 ,i said playfully3 ,& mamma's cons5t is n to be ask$8 ,no1 he said1 gett+ hold ( :at !re is left ( my h&4 ,i "k y w\ldn't say a ^w4 ,don't y rememb] tell+ me once :5 ,i 0 a little boy t ,i might g & welcome8 ,& don't y rememb]1 ,i return$1 t y cri$ = joy1 & !n reliev$ y\r m9d /ill f>!r by walk+ on y\r h&s ) y\r feet 9 ! air8 ,we bo? laugh$ he>tily at ?is remembrance1 & !n ,i said3 ,my de> boy1 y "k y\r fa!rs plan = y8 ,yes1 ,i "k he expects me to /udy ) him1 & take 8 place 9 ! _w4 ,& x is a v important place4 ,8 c\nt5ance fell z he fanci$ ,i 0 n ent]+ he>tily into 8 wi%es4 ,de> ,raymond1 ,i w5t on1 ,i gave y to ,god long be=e y gave y\rself to ,him4 ,if ,he c make y useful 9 y\r own1 or 9 o!r l&s1 ,i bless ,8 "n4 ,:e!r ,i live to see y a man1 or n1 ,i hope y w "w 9 ! ,"l's v9ey>d1 :]ev] ,he calls4 ,i nev] ask$ any?+ b usefulness1 9 all my pray]s = y2 nev] once4 ,8 eyes fill$ ) te>s2 he kiss$ me & walk$ away to ! w9d[ to compose himself4 ,my poor1 de>1 lovable1 lov+ boy6 ,he has all 8 "m's trials & /ruggles to cont5d )2 b :at matt] x if !y br+ him ! same peace8 ,,june #cj4--;,ev]ybody wond]s to see me once m int]e/$ 9 my long-clos$ ,j\rnal1 & becom+ able to see ! de> fri5ds f :om ,i h be51 9 a measure cut (f4 ,we _c ask ! mean+ ( ?is rem>kable increase ( /r5g?4 ,i h no wi% to *oose4 ,b ,i h come to ! la/ page ( my ,j\rnal1 & liv+ or dy+1 %all write 9 ?is volume no m4 ,x closes ^u a life ( mu* *ildi%ness & great s9fulness1 ^: record makes me blu% ) %ame b ,i no long] ne$ to relieve my he>t ) seek+ sympa?y 9 its unconsci\s pages nor d ,i believe x well to g on analyz+ x z ,i h done4 ,i h _h l>ge exp]i5ce ( bo? joy & sorr[2 ,i h ! nak$ness & ! empt9ess & ,i h se5 ! beauty & sweetness ( life4 ,:at ,i say n[1 let me say to ,jesus4 ,:at "t & /r5g? ,i us$ to sp5d 9 writ+ "h1 let me sp5d 9 pray+ = all m51 = all suff]]s :o are out ( ! way1 = all :om ,i love4 ,& _! "n is ,legion = ,i love ev]ybody4 ,yes ,i love ev]ybody6 ,t cr[n+ joy has come to me at la/4 ,*ri/ is 9 my s\l2 ,he is m9e2 ,i am z consci\s ( x z t my husb& & *ildr5 are m9e2 & ,8 ,_s fl[s f m9e 9 ! calm peace ( a riv] ^: banks are gre5 ) grass & glad ) fl[]s4 ,if ,i die x w be to leave a we>i$ & worn body1 & a s9ful s\l to g joyfully to be ) ,*ri/1 to we>y & to s9 no m4 ,if ,i live1 ,i %all f9d mu* bless$ "w to d = ,him4 ,s liv+ or dy+ ,i %all be ! ,"l's4 ,b ,i wi%1 oh h[ e>ne/ly1 t :e!r ,i g or /ay1 ,i c\ld inspire "s lives ) ! joy t is n[ m9e4 ,= _m ye>s ,i h be5 ri* 9 fai?2 ri* 9 an unfalt]+ confid5ce t ,i 0 belov$ ( my ,god & ,savi\r4 ,b some?+ 0 want+ ,i 0 ev] grop+ = a my/]i\s grace ! want ( :i* made me (t5 sorr[ful 9 ! v mid/ ( my mo/ sacr$ joy1 imp]fect :5 ,i mo/ long$ = p]fection4 ,x 0 t p]sonal love to ,*ri/ ( :i* my preci\s "m s (t5 spoke to me :i* %e (t5 urg$ me to seek ^u my knees4 ,if ,i _h kn[n !n1 z ,i "k n[ :at ?is priceless treasure c\ld be to a s9ful human s\l1 ,i w\ld h sold all t ,i _h to buy ! field :]e9 x lay hidd54 ,b n till ,i 0 %ut up to pray] & to ! /udy ( ,gods ^w by ! loss ( e>?ly joys1 sickness de/roy+ ! flavor ( !m all1 did ,i beg9 to p5etrate ! my/]y t is le>n$ "u ! cross4 ,& wondr\s z x is1 h[ simple is ?is my/]y6 ,to love ,*ri/ & to "k t ,i love ,him-?is is all6 ,& :5 ,i ent]$ ^u ! sacr$ yet (t-times homely duties ( m>ri$ life1 if ?is love _h be5 m9e1 h[ w\ld t life h be5 transfigur$6 ,! petty faults ( my husb& "u :i* ,i *af$ w\ld n h mov$ me2 ,i %\ld h welcom$ ,m>?a & h] fa!r to my home & made !m happy !re2 ,i %\ld h _h no conflicts ) my s]vants1 %[n no petulance to my *ildr54 ,= x w\ld n h be5 ,i :o spoke & act$ b ,*ri/ :o liv$ 9 me4 ,alas6 ,i h _h less ?an sev5 ye>s 9 :i* to atone = a s9ful1 wa/$ pa/ & to live a new & a ,*ri/-l life4 ,if ,i am to h yet m1 ?anks be to ,him :o has giv5 me ! victory1 t ,life w be ,love4 ,n ! love t re/s 9 ! contemplation & adoration ( its object2 b ! love t gladd5s1 sweet5s1 solaces o!r lives4 ,o gifts ( gifts6 ,o grace ( fai? ,my ,god6 h[ c x be ,t ,?\ :o ha/ disc]n+ love1 ,%\ld/ give t gift to me8 ,h[ _m he>ts ?\ might/ h _h ,m innoc5t ?an m9e6 ,h[ _m s\ls m wor?y f> ,( t sweet t\* ( ,?9e8 ,oh grace6 into unlikelie/ he>ts ,x is ?y boa/ to come ,! glory ( ,?y light to f9d ,9 d>ke/ spots a home4 ,oh happy1 happy t ,i am6 ,if ?\ can/ be1 ,o fai? ,! treasure t ?\ art 9 life ,:at wilt ?\ be 9 dea?8 ---------------------------------------- --------------------------- ,,/epp+ ,,we/w>d4 ,,:ile my fell[-travel] & ,i 7 walk+ by ! side ( ,lo* ,katr9e "o f9e ev5+ aft] sunset 9 our road to a hut :]e 9 ! c\rse ( our t\r we _h be5 hospitably ent]ta9$ "s weeks be=e1 we met1 9 "o ( ! lonelie/ p>ts ( t solit>y region two well-dress$ wom51 "o ( :om said to u by way ( greet+1 ,:at1 y are /epp+ we/w>d8 ,:at1 y are /epp+ we/w>d8 ,yea4--',tw\ld be a wildi% de/9y ,if we :o ?us toge!r roam ,9 a /range l& & f> f home ,7 9 ?is place ! gue/s ( *ance3 ,yet :o w\ld /op1 or fe> to advance1 ,?\gh home or %elt] he _h none1 ,) su* a sky to lead him on8 ,! dewy gr\nd 0 d>k & cold2 ,beh9d1 all gloomy to behold3 ,& /epp+ we/w>d seem$ to be ,a k9d ( heav5ly de/9y3 ,i lik$ ! greet+2 'twas a s\nd ,( some?+ )\t place & b\nd1 ,& seem$ to give me spiritual "r ,to travel ?r\gh t region bright4 ,! voice 0 s(t & %e :o spake ,0 walk+ by h] native lake3 ,! salutation _h to me ,! v s\nd ( c\rtesy3 ,its p[] 0 felt2 & :ile my eye ,0 fix$ ^u ! gl[+ sky1 ,! e*o ( ! voice enwr\ght ,a human sweetness ) ! ?\ght ,( travel+ ?r\gh ! _w t lay ,be=e me 9 my endless way4--,,wordswor?4 ,! ,end