,stepping ,heavenward by ,mrs4 ,e4 ,prentiss ,chapter #a ,i4 ,january #ae1 #ahca4 ,how dreadfully old ,i am getting6 ,sixteen6 ,well1 ,i don't see as ,i can help it4 ,there it is in the big ,bible in father's own hand3 ,katherine1 born ,jan4 #ae1 #ahae4 ,i meant to get up early this morning1 but it looked dismally cold out of doors1 and felt delightfully warm in bed4 ,so ,i covered myself up1 and made ever so many good resolutions4 ,i determined1 in the first place1 to begin this ,journal4 ,to be sure1 ,i have begun half a dozen1 and got tired of them after a while4 ,not tired of writing them1 but disgusted with what ,i had to say of myself4 ,but this time ,i mean to go on1 in spite of everything4 ,it will do me good to read it over1 and see what a creature ,i am4 ,then ,i resolved to do more to please mother than ,i have done4 ,and ,i determined to make one more effort to conquer my hasty temper4 ,i thought1 too1 ,i would be self-denying this winter1 like the people one reads about in books4 ,i fancied how surprised and pleased everybody would be to see me so much improved6 ,time passed quickly amid these agreeable thoughts1 and ,i was quite startled to hear the bell ring for prayers4 ,i jumped up in a great flurry and dressed as quickly as ,i could4 ,everything conspired together to plague me4 ,i could not find a clean collar1 or a handkerchief4 ,it is always just so4 ,susan is forever poking my things into out-of-the-way places6 ,when at last ,i went down1 they were all at breakfast4 ,i hoped you would celebrate your birthday1 dear1 by coming down in good season1 said mother4 ,i do hate to be found fault with1 so ,i fired up in an instant4 ,if people hide my things so that ,i can't find them1 of course ,i have to be late1 ,i said4 ,and ,i rather think ,i said it in a very cross way1 for mother sighed a little4 ,i wish mother wouldn't sigh4 ,i would rather be called names out and out4 ,the moment breakfast was over ,i had to hurry off to school4 ,just as ,i was going out mother said1 ,have you your overshoes1 dear8 ,oh1 mother1 don't hinder me6 ,i shall be late1 ,i said4 ,i don't need overshoes4 ,it snowed all night1 and ,i think you do need them1 mother said4 ,i don't know where they are4 ,i hate overshoes4 ,do let me go1 mother1 ,i cried4 ,i do wish ,i could ever have my own way4 ,you shall have it now1 my child1 mother said1 and went away4 ,now what was the use of her calling me my child in such a tone1 ,i should like to know4 ,i hurried off1 and just as ,i got to the door of the schoolroom it flashed into my mind that ,i had not said my prayers6 ,a nice way to begin on one's birthday1 to be sure6 ,well1 ,i had not time4 ,and perhaps my good resolutions pleased ,god almost as much as one of my rambling stupid prayers could4 ,for ,i must own ,i can't make good prayers4 ,i can't think of anything to say4 ,i often wonder what mother finds to say when she is shut up by the hour together4 ,i had a pretty good time at school4 ,my teachers praised me1 and ,amelia seemed so fond of me6 ,she brought me a birthday present of a purse that she had knit for me herself1 and a net for my hair4 ,nets are just coming into fashion4 ,it will save a good deal of time my having this one4 ,instead of combing and combing and combing my old hair to get it glossy enough to suit mother1 ,i can just give it one twist and one squeeze and the whole thing will be settled for the day4 ,amelia wrote me a dear little note1 with her presents4 ,i do really believe she loves me dearly4 ,it is so nice to have people love you6 ,when ,i got home mother called me into her room4 ,she looked as if she had been crying4 ,she said ,i gave her a great deal of pain by my self-will and ill temper and conceit4 ,conceit6 ,i screamed out4 ,oh1 mother1 if you only knew how horrid ,i think ,i am6 ,mother smiled a little4 ,then she went on with her list till she made me out the worst creature in the world4 ,i burst out crying1 and was running off to my room1 but she made me come back and hear the rest4 ,she said my character would be essentially formed by the time ,i reached my twentieth year1 and left it to me to say if ,i wished to be as a woman what ,i was now as a girl4 ,i felt sulky1 and would not answer4 ,i was shocked to think ,i had got only four years in which to improve1 but after all a good deal could be done in that time4 ,of course ,i don't want to be always exactly what ,i am now4 ,mother went on to say that ,i had in me the elements of a fine character if ,i would only conquer some of my faults4 ,you are frank and truthful1 she said1 and in some things conscientious4 ,i hope you are really a child of ,god1 and are trying to please ,him4 ,and it is my daily prayer that you may become a lovely1 loving1 useful woman4 ,i made no answer4 ,i wanted to say something1 but my tongue wouldn't move4 ,i was angry with mother1 and angry with myself4 ,at last everything came out all in a rush1 mixed up with such floods of tears that ,i thought mother's heart would melt1 and that she would take back what she had said4 ,amelia's mother never talks so to her6 ,i said4 ,she praises her1 and tells her what a comfort she is to her4 ,but just as ,i am trying as hard as ,i can to be good1 and making resolutions1 and all that1 you scold me and discourage me6 ,mother's voice was very soft and gentle as she asked1 ,do you call this 'scolding1' my child8 ,and ,i don't like to be called conceited1 ,i went on4 ,i know ,i am perfectly horrid1 and ,i am just as unhappy as ,i can be4 ,i am very sorry for you1 dear1 mother replied4 ,but you must bear with me4 ,other people will see your faults1 but only your mother will have the courage to speak of them4 ,now go to your own room1 and wipe away the traces of your tears that the rest of the family may not know that you have been crying on your birthday4 ,she kissed me but ,i did not kiss her4 ,i really believe ,satan himself hindered me4 ,i ran across the hall to my room1 slammed the door1 and locked myself in4 ,i was going to throw myself on the bed and cry till ,i was sick4 ,then ,i should look pale and tired1 and they would all pity me4 ,i do like so to be pitied6 ,but on the table1 by the window1 ,i saw a beautiful new desk in place of the old clumsy thing ,i had been spattering and spoiling so many years4 ,a little note1 full of love1 said it was from mother1 and begged me to read and reflect upon a few verses of a tastefully bound copy of the ,bible1 which accompanied it every day of my life4 ,a few verses1 she said1 carefully read and pondered1 instead of a chapter or two read for mere form's sake4 ,i looked at my desk1 which contained exactly what ,i wanted1 plenty of paper1 seals1 wax and pens4 ,i always use wax4 ,wafers are vulgar4 ,then ,i opened the ,bible at random1 and lighted on these words3 ,watch1 therefore1 for ye know not what hour your ,lord doth come4 ,there was nothing very cheering in that4 ,i felt a real repugnance to be always on the watch1 thinking ,i might die at any moment4 ,i am sure ,i am not fit to die4 ,besides ,i want to have a good time1 with nothing to worry me4 ,i hope ,i shall live ever so long4 ,perhaps in the course of forty or fifty years ,i may get tired of this world and want to leave it4 ,and ,i hope by that time ,i shall be a great deal better than ,i am now1 and fit to go to heaven4 ,i wrote a note to mother on my new desk1 and thanked her for it ,i told her she was the best mother in the world1 and that ,i was the worst daughter4 ,when it was done ,i did not like it1 and so ,i wrote another4 ,then ,i went down to dinner and felt better4 ,we had such a nice dinner6 ,everything ,i liked best was on the table4 ,mother had not forgotten one of all the dainties ,i like4 ,amelia was there too4 ,mother had invited her to give me a little surprise4 ,it is bedtime now1 and ,i must say my prayers and go to bed4 ,i have got all chilled through1 writing here in the cold4 ,i believe ,i will say my prayers in bed1 just for this once4 ,i do not feel sleepy1 but ,i am sure ,i ought not to sit up another moment4 ,,jan4 #cj4-;,here ,i am at my desk once more4 ,there is a fire in my room1 and mother is sitting by it1 reading4 ,i can't see what book it is1 but ,i have no doubt it is ,thomas ,a ,kempis4 ,how she can go on reading it so year after year1 ,i cannot imagine4 ,for my part ,i like something new4 ,but ,i must go back to where ,i left off4 ,that night when ,i stopped writing1 ,i hurried to bed as fast as ,i could1 for ,i felt cold and tired4 ,i remember saying1 ,oh1 ,god1 ,i am ashamed to pray1 and then ,i began to think of all the things that had happened that day1 and never knew another thing till the rising bell rang and ,i found it was morning4 ,i am sure ,i did not mean to go to sleep4 ,i think now it was wrong for me to be such a coward as to try to say my prayers in bed because of the cold4 ,while ,i was writing ,i did not once think how ,i felt4 ,well1 ,i jumped up as soon as ,i heard the bell1 but found ,i had a dreadful pain in my side1 and a cough4 ,susan says ,i coughed all night4 ,i remembered then that ,i had just such a cough and just such a pain the last time ,i walked in the snow without overshoes4 ,i crept back to bed feeling about as mean as ,i could4 ,mother sent up to know why ,i did not come down1 and ,i had to own that ,i was sick4 ,she came up directly looking so anxious6 ,and here ,i have been shut up ever since2 only to day ,i am sitting up a little4 ,poor mother has had trouble enough with me2 ,i know ,i have been cross and unreasonable1 and it was all my own fault that ,i was ill4 ,another time ,i will do as mother says4 ,,jan4 #ca4-;,how easy it is to make good resolutions1 and how easy it is to break them6 ,just as ,i had got so far1 yesterday1 mother spoke for the third time about my exerting myself so much4 ,and just at that moment ,i fainted away1 and she had a great time all alone there with me4 ,i did not realize how long ,i had been writing1 nor how weak ,i was4 ,i do wonder if ,i shall ever really learn that mother knows more than ,i do6 ,feb4 #ag4-;,it is more than a month since ,i took that cold1 and here ,i still am1 shut up in the house4 ,to be sure the doctor lets me go down stairs1 but then he won't listen to a word about school4 ,oh1 dear6 ,all the girls will get ahead of me4 ,this is ,sunday1 and everybody has gone to church4 ,i thought ,i ought to make a good use of the time while they were gone1 so ,i took the ,memoir of ,henry ,martyn1 and read a little in that4 ,i am afraid ,i am not much like him4 ,then ,i knelt down and tried to pray4 ,but my mind was full of all sorts of things1 so ,i thought ,i would wait till ,i was in a better frame4 ,at noon ,i disputed with ,james about the name of an apple4 ,he was very provoking1 and said he was thankful he had not got such a temper as ,i had4 ,i cried1 and mother reproved him for teasing me1 saying my illness had left me nervous and irritable4 ,james replied that it had left me where it found me1 then4 ,i cried a good while1 lying on the sofa1 and then ,i fell asleep4 ,i don't see as ,i am any the better for this ,sunday1 it has only made me feel unhappy and out of sorts4 ,i am sure ,i pray to ,god to make me better1 and why doesn't ,he8 ,feb4 #bj4-;,it has been quite a mild day for the season1 and the doctor said ,i might drive out4 ,i enjoyed getting the air very much4 ,i feel just well as ever1 and long to get back to school4 ,i think ,god has been very good to me in making me well again1 and wish ,i loved ,him better4 ,but1 oh1 ,i am not sure ,i do love ,him6 ,i hate to own it to myself1 and to write it down here1 but ,i will4 ,i do not love to pray4 ,i am always eager to get it over with and out of the way so as to have leisure to enjoy myself4 ,i mean that this is usually so4 ,this morning ,i cried a good deal while ,i was on my knees1 and felt sorry for my quick temper and all my bad ways4 ,if ,i always felt so1 perhaps praying would not be such a task4 ,i wish ,i knew whether anybody exactly as bad as ,i am ever got to heaven at last4 ,i have read ever so many memoirs1 and they were all about people who were too good to live1 and so died2 or else went on a mission4 ,i am not at all like any of them4 ,march #bf4-;,i have been so busy that ,i have not said much to you1 you poor old journal1 you1 have ,i8 ,somehow ,i have been behaving quite nicely lately4 ,everything has gone on exactly to my mind4 ,mother has not found fault with me once1 and father has praised my drawings and seemed proud of me4 ,he says he shall not tell me what my teachers say of me lest it should make me vain4 ,and once or twice when he has met me singing and frisking about the house he has kissed me and called me his dear little ,flibbertigibbet1 if that's the way to spell it4 ,when he says that ,i know he is very fond of me4 ,we are all very happy together when nothing goes wrong4 ,in the long evenings we all sit around the table with our books and our work1 and one of us reads aloud4 ,mother chooses the book and takes her turn in reading4 ,she reads beautifully4 ,of course the readings do not begin till the lessons are all learned4 ,as to me1 my lessons just take no time at all4 ,i have only to read them over once1 and there they are4 ,so ,i have a good deal of time to read1 and ,i devour all the poetry ,i can get hold of4 ,i would rather read ,pollok's ,course of ,time than read nothing at all4 ,,april #b4-,there are three of mother's friends living near us1 each having lots of little children4 ,it is perfectly ridiculous how much those creatures are sick4 ,they send for mother if so much as a pimple comes out on one of their faces4 ,when ,i have children ,i don't mean to have such goings on4 ,i shall be careful about what they eat1 and keep them from getting cold1 and they will keep well of their own accord4 ,mrs4 ,jones has just sent for mother to see her ,tommy4 ,it was so provoking4 ,i had coaxed her into letting me have a black silk apron2 they are all the fashion now1 embroidered in floss silk4 ,i had drawn a lovely vine for mine entirely out of my own head1 and mother was going to arrange the pattern for me when that message came1 and she had to go4 ,i don't believe anything ails the child6 a great chubby thing6 ,april #c4-,poor ,mrs4 ,jones6 ,her dear little ,tommy is dead6 ,i stayed at home from school to-day and had all the other children here to get them out of their mother's way4 ,how dreadfully she must feel6 ,mother cried when she told me how the dear little fellow suffered in his last moments4 ,it reminded her of my little brothers who died in the same way1 just before ,i was born4 ,dear mother6 ,i wonder ,i ever forget what troubles she has had1 and am not always sweet and loving4 ,she has gone now1 where she always goes when she feels sad1 straight to ,god4 ,of course she did not say so1 but ,i know mother4 ,april #be4-;,i have not been down in season once this week4 ,i have persuaded mother to let me read some of ,scott's novels1 and have sat up late and been sleepy in the morning4 ,i wish ,i could get along with mother as nicely as ,james does4 ,he is late far oftener than ,i am1 but he never gets into such scrapes about it as ,i do4 ,this is what happens4 ,he comes down when it suits him4 ,mother begins4-,james1 ,i am very much displeased with you4 ,james4-,i should think you would be1 mother4 ,mother1 mollified4-,i don't think you deserve any breakfast4 ,james1 hypocritically4-,no1 ,i don't think ,i do1 mother4 ,then mother hurries off and gets something extra for his breakfast4 ,now let us see how things go on when ,i am late4 ,mother4-,katherine 7she always calls me ,katherine when she is displeased1 and spells it with a ,k71 ,katherine1 you are late again2 how can you annoy your father so8 ,katherine4-,of course ,i don't do it to annoy father or anybody else4 ,but if ,i oversleep myself1 it is not my fault4 ,mother4-,i would go to bed at eight o'clock rather than be late as often as you4 ,how should you like it if ,i were not down to prayers8 ,katherine1 muttering4-,of course that is very different4 ,i don't see why ,i should be blamed for oversleeping any more than ,james4 ,i get all the scoldings4 ,mother sighs and goes off4 ,i prowl round and get what scraps of breakfast ,i can4 ,may #ab4-,the weather is getting perfectly delicious4 ,i am sitting with my window open1 and my bird is singing with all his heart4 ,i wish ,i was as gay as he is4 ,i have been thinking lately that it was about time to begin on some of those pieces of self-denial ,i resolved on upon my birthday4 ,i could not think of anything great enough for a long time4 ,at last an idea popped into my head4 ,half the girls at school envy me because ,amelia is so fond of me1 and ,jane ,underhill1 in particular1 is just crazy to get intimate with her4 ,but ,i have kept ,amelia all to myself4 ,to-day ,i said to her1 ,amelia1 ,jane ,underhill admires you above all things4 ,i have a good mind to let you be as intimate with her as you are with me4 ,it will be a great piece of self-denial1 but ,i think it is my duty4 ,she is a stranger1 and nobody seems to like her much4 ,you dear thing1 you6 cried ,amelia1 kissing me4 ,i liked ,jane ,underhill the moment ,i saw her4 ,she has such a sweet face and such pleasant manners4 ,but you are so jealous that ,i never dared to show how ,i liked her4 ,don't be vexed1 dearie2 if you are jealous it is your only fault6 ,she then rushed off1 and ,i saw her kiss that girl exactly as she kisses me6 ,this was in recess4 ,i went to my desk and made believe ,i was studying4 ,pretty soon ,amelia came back4 ,she is a sweet girl1 she said1 and only to think6 ,she writes poetry6 ,just hear this6 ,it is a little poem addressed to me4 ,isn't it nice of her8 ,i pretended not to hear her4 ,i was as full of all sorts of horrid feelings as ,i could hold4 ,it enraged me to think that ,amelia1 after all her professions of love to me1 should snatch at the first chance of getting a new friend4 ,then ,i was mortified because ,i was enraged1 and ,i could have torn myself to pieces for being such a fool as to let ,amelia see how silly ,i was4 ,i don't know what to make of you1 ,katy1 she said1 putting her arms round me4 ,have ,i done anything to vex you8 ,come1 let us make up and be friends1 whatever it is4 ,i will read you these sweet verses2 ,i am sure you will like them4 ,she read them in her clear1 pleasant voice4 ,how can you have the vanity to read such stuff8 ,i cried4 ,amelia colored a little4 ,you have said and written much more flattering things to me1 she replied4 ,perhaps it has turned my head1 and made me too ready to believe what other people say4 ,she folded the paper1 and put it into her pocket4 ,we walked home together1 after school1 as usual1 but neither of us spoke a word4 ,and now here ,i sit1 unhappy enough4 ,all my resolutions fail4 ,but ,i did not think ,amelia would take me at my word1 and rush after that stuck-up1 smirking piece4 ,may #bj4-;,i seem to have got back into all my bad ways again4 ,mother is quite out of patience with me4 ,i have not prayed for a long time4 ,it does not do any good4 ,may #ba4-;,it seems this ,underhill thing is here for health1 though she looks as well as any of us4 ,she is an orphan1 and has been adopted by a rich old uncle1 who makes a perfect fool of her4 ,such dresses and such finery as she wears6 ,last night she had ,amelia there to tea1 without inviting me1 though she knows ,i am her best friend4 ,she gave her a bracelet made of her own hair4 ,i wonder ,amelia's mother lets her accept presents from strangers4 ,my mother would not let me4 ,on the whole1 there is nobody like one's own mother4 ,amelia has been cold and distant to me of late1 but no matter what ,i do or say to my darling1 precious mother1 she is always kind and loving4 ,she noticed how ,i moped about to-day1 and begged me to tell her what was the matter4 ,i was ashamed to do that4 ,i told her that it was a little quarrel ,i had had with ,amelia4 ,dear child1 she said1 how ,i pity you that you have inherited my quick1 irritable temper4 ,yours1 mother6 ,i cried out2 what can you mean8 ,mother smiled a little at my surprise4 ,it is even so1 she said4 ,then how did you cure yourself of it8 ,tell me quick1 mother1 and let me cure myself of mine4 ,my dear ,katy1 she said1 ,i wish ,i could make you see that ,god is just as willing1 and just as able to sanctify1 as ,he is to redeem us4 ,it would save you so much weary1 disappointing work4 ,but ,god has opened my eyes at last4 ,i wish ,he would open mine1 then1 ,i said1 for all ,i see now is that ,i am just as horrid as ,i can be1 and that the more ,i pray the worse ,i grow4 ,that is not true1 dear1 she replied2 go on praying-pray without ceasing4 ,i sat pulling my handkerchief this way and that1 and at last rolled it up into a ball and threw it across the room4 ,i wished ,i could toss my bad feelings into a corner with it4 ,i do wish ,i could make you love to pray1 my darling child1 mother went on4 ,if you only knew the strength1 and the light1 and the joy you might have for the simple asking4 ,god attaches no conditions to ,his gifts4 ,he only says1 ',ask6' ,this may be true1 but it is hard work to pray4 ,it tires me4 ,and ,i do wish there was some easy way of growing good4 ,in fact ,i should like to have ,god send a sweet temper to me just as ,he sent bread and meat to ,elijah4 ,i don't believe ,elijah had to kneel down and pray for them4 ,chapter #b4 ,,ii4 ,june #a4 ,,last ,sunday ,dr4 ,cabot preached to the young4 ,he first addressed those who knew they did not love ,god4 ,it did not seem to me that ,i belonged to that class4 ,then he spoke to those who knew they did4 ,i felt sure ,i was not one of those4 ,last of all he spoke affectionately to those who did not know what to think1 and ,i was frightened and ashamed to feel tears running down my cheeks1 when he said that he believed that most of his hearers who were in this doubtful state did really love their ,master1 only their love was something as new and as tender and perhaps as unobserved as the tiny point of green that1 forcing its way through the earth1 is yet unconscious of its own existence1 but promises a thrifty plant4 ,i don't suppose ,i express it very well1 but ,i know what he meant4 ,he then invited those belonging to each class to meet him on three successive ,saturday afternoons4 ,i shall certainly go4 ,july #ai4-;,i went to the meeting1 and so did ,amelia4 ,a great many young people were there and a few children4 ,dr4 ,cabot went about from seat to seat speaking to each one separately4 ,when he came to us ,i expected he would say something about the way in which ,i had been brought up1 and reproach me for not profiting more by the instructions and example ,i had at home4 ,instead of that he said1 in a cheerful voice1 ,well1 my dear1 ,i cannot see into your heart and positively tell whether there is love to ,god there or not4 ,but ,i suppose you have come here to-day in order to let me help you to find out8 ,i said1 ,yes2 that was all ,i could get out4 ,let me see1 then1 he went on4 ,do you love your mother8 ,i said ,yes1 once more4 ,but prove to me that you do4 ,how do you know it8 ,i tried to think4 ,then ,i said1 ,i feel that ,i love her4 ,i love to love her1 ,i like to be with her4 ,i like to hear people praise her4 ,and ,i try--sometimes at least--to do things to please her4 ,but ,i don't try half as hard as ,i ought1 and ,i do and say a great many things to displease her4 ,yes1 yes1 he said1 ,i know4 ,has mother told you8 ,i cried out4 ,no1 dear1 no indeed4 ,but ,i know what human nature is after having one of my own fifty years1 and six of my children's to encounter4 ,somehow ,i felt more courage after he said that4 ,in the first place1 then1 you feel that you love your mother8 ,but you never feel that you love your ,god and ,saviour8 ,i often try1 and try1 but ,i never do1 ,i said4 ,love won't be forced1 he said1 quickly4 ,then what shall ,i do8 ,in the second place1 you like to be with your mother4 ,but you never like to be with the ,friend who loves you so much better than she does8 ,i don't know1 ,i never was with ,him4 ,sometimes ,i think that when ,mary sat at ,his feet and heard ,him talk1 she must have been very happy4 ,we come to the third test1 then4 ,you like to hear people praise your mother4 ,and have you ever rejoiced to hear the ,lord magnified8 ,i shook my head sorrowfully enough4 ,let us then try the last test4 ,you know you love your mother because you try to do things to please her4 ,that is to do what you know she wishes you to do8 ,very well4 ,have you never tried to do anything ,god wishes you to do8 ,oh yes2 often4 ,but not so often as ,i ought4 ,of course not4 ,no one does that4 ,but come now1 why do you try to do what you think will please ,him8 ,because it is easy8 ,because you like to do what ,he likes rather than what you like yourself8 ,i tried to think1 and got puzzled4 ,never mind1 said ,dr4 ,cabot1 ,i have come now to the point ,i was aiming at4 ,you cannot prove to yourself that you love ,god by examining your feelings towards ,him4 ,they are indefinite and they fluctuate4 ,but just as far as you obey ,him1 just so far1 depend upon it1 you love ,him4 ,it is not natural to us sinful1 ungrateful human beings to prefer ,his pleasure to our own1 or to follow ,his way instead of our own way1 and nothing1 nothing but love to ,him can or does make us obedient to ,him4 ,couldn't we obey ,him from fear8 ,amelia now asked4 ,she had been listening all this time in silence4 ,yes2 and so you might obey your mother from fear1 but only for a season4 ,if you had no real love for her you would gradually cease to dread her displeasure1 whereas it is in the very nature of love to grow stronger and more influential every hour4 ,you mean1 then1 that if we want to know whether we love ,god1 we must find out whether we are obeying ,him8 ,amelia asked4 ,i mean exactly that4 ',he that keepeth my commandments he it is that loveth me4' ,but ,i cannot talk with you any longer now4 ,there are many others still waiting4 ,you can come to see me some day next week1 if you have any more questions to ask4 ,when we got out into the street1 ,amelia and ,i got hold of each other's hands4 ,we did not speak a word till we reached the door1 but we knew that we were as good friends as ever4 ,i understand all ,dr4 ,cabot said1 ,amelia whispered1 as we separated4 ,but ,i felt like one in a fog4 ,i cannot see how it is possible to love ,god1 and yet feel as stupid as ,i do when ,i think of ,him4 ,still1 ,i am determined to do one thing1 and that is to pray1 regularly instead of now and then1 as ,i have got the habit of doing lately4 ,july #be4-,school has closed for the season4 ,i took the first prize for drawing1 and my composition was read aloud on examination day1 and everybody praised it4 ,mother could not possibly help showing1 in her face1 that she was very much pleased4 ,i am pleased myself4 ,we are now getting ready to take a journey4 ,i do not think ,i shall go to see ,dr4 ,cabot again4 ,my head is so full of other things1 and there is so much to do before we go4 ,i am having four new dresses made1 and ,i can't imagine how to have them trimmed4 ,i mean to run down to ,amelia's and ask her4 ,july #bg4-;,i was rushing through the hall just after ,i wrote that1 and met mother4 ,i am going to ,amelia's1 ,i said1 hurrying past her4 ,stop one minute1 dear4 ,dr4 ,cabot is downstairs4 ,he says he has been expecting a visit from you1 and that as you did not come to him1 he has come to you4 ,i wish he would mind his own business1 ,i said4 ,i think he is minding it1 dear1 mother answered4 ,his ,master's business is his1 and that has brought him here4 ,go to him1 my darling child2 ,i am sure you crave something better than prizes and compliments and new dresses and journeys4 ,if anybody but mother had said that1 my heart would have melted at once1 and ,i should have gone right down to ,dr4 ,cabot to be moulded in his hand to almost any shape4 ,but as it was ,i brushed past1 ran into my room1 and locked my door4 ,oh1 what makes me act so6 ,i hate myself for it1 ,i don't want to do it6 ,last week ,i dined with ,mrs4 ,jones4 ,her little ,tommy was very fond of me1 and that1 ,i suppose1 makes her have me there so often4 ,lucy was at the table1 and very fractious4 ,she cried first for one thing and then for another4 ,at last her mother in a gentle1 but very decided way put her down from the table4 ,then she cried louder than ever4 ,but when her mother offered to take her back if she would be good1 she screamed yet more4 ,she wanted to come and wouldn't let herself come4 ,i almost hated her when ,i saw her act so1 and now ,i am behaving ten times worse and ,i am just as miserable as ,i can be4 ,july #bi4-;,amelia has been here4 ,she has had her talk with ,dr4 ,cabot and is perfectly happy4 ,she says it is so easy to be a ,christian6 ,it may be easy for her2 everything is4 ,she never has any of my dreadful feelings1 and does not understand them when ,i try to explain them to her4 ,well1 if ,i am fated to be miserable1 ,i must try to bear it4 ,oct4 #c4-,summer is over1 school has begun again1 and ,i am so busy that ,i have not much time to think1 to be low spirited4 ,we had a delightful journey1 and ,i feel well and bright1 and even gay4 ,i never enjoyed my studies as ,i do those of this year4 ,everything goes on pleasantly here at home4 ,but ,james has gone away to school1 and we miss him sadly4 ,i wish ,i had a sister4 ,though ,i dare say ,i should quarrel with her1 if ,i had4 ,oct #bc4-;,i am so glad that my studies are harder this year1 as ,i am never happy except when every moment is occupied4 ,however1 ,i do not study all the time1 by any means4 ,mrs4 ,gordon grows more and more fond of me1 and has me there to dinner or to tea continually4 ,she has a much higher opinion of me than mother has1 and is always saying the sort of things that make you feel nice4 ,she holds me up to ,amelia as an example1 begging her to imitate me in my fidelity about my lessons1 and declaring there is nothing she so much desires as to have a daughter bright and original like me4 ,amelia only laughs1 and goes and purrs in her mother's ears when she hears such talk4 ,it costs her nothing to be pleasant4 ,she was born so4 ,for my part1 ,i think myself lucky to have such a friend4 ,she gets along with my odd1 hateful ways better than any one else does4 ,mother1 when ,i boast of this1 says she has no penetration into character1 and that she would be fond of almost any one fond of her2 and that the fury with which ,i love her deserves some response4 ,i really don't know what to make of mother4 ,most people are proud of their children when they see others admire them2 but she does say such pokey things6 ,of course ,i know that having a gift for music1 and a taste for drawing1 and a reputation for saying witty1 bright things isn't enough4 ,but when she doesn't find fault with me1 and nothing happens to keep me down1 ,i am the gayest creature on earth4 ,i do love to get with a lot of nice girls1 and carry on6 ,i have got enough fun in me to keep a houseful merry4 ,and mother needn't say anything4 ,i inherited it from her4 ,evening4-,i knew it was coming6 ,mother has been in to see what ,i was about1 and to give me a bit of her mind4 ,she says she loves to see me gay and cheerful1 as is natural at my age1 but that levity quite upsets and disorders the mind1 indisposing it for serious thoughts4 ,but1 mother1 ,i said1 didn't you carry on when you were a young girl8 ,of course ,i did1 she said1 smiling4 ,but ,i do not think ,i was quite so thoughtless as you are4 ,thoughtless indeed6 ,i wish ,i were6 ,but am ,i not always full of uneasy1 reproachful thoughts when the moment of excitement is over8 ,other girls1 who seem less trifling than ,i1 are really more so4 ,their heads are full of dresses and parties and beaux1 and all that sort of nonsense4 ,i wonder if that ever worries their mothers1 or whether mine is the only one who weeps in secret8 ,well1 ,i shall be young but once1 and while ,i am1 do let me have a good time6 ,sunday1 ,nov4 #bj4-,oh1 the difference between this day and the day ,i wrote that6 ,there are no good times in this dreadful world4 ,i have hardly courage or strength to write down the history of the past few weeks4 ,the day after ,i had deliberately made up my mind to enjoy myself1 cost what it might1 my dear father called me to him1 kissed me1 pulled my ears a little1 and gave me some money4 ,we have had to keep you rather low in funds1 he said laughing4 ,but ,i recovered this amount yesterday1 and as it was a little debt ,i had given up1 ,i can spare it to you4 ,for girls like pin-money1 ,i know1 and you may spend this just as you please4 ,i was delighted4 ,i want to take more drawing-lessons1 but did not feel sure he could afford it4 ,besides--,i am a little ashamed to write it down--,i knew somebody had been praising me or father would not have seemed so fond of me4 ,i wondered who it was1 and felt a good deal puffed up4 ,after-all1 ,i said to myself1 some people like me if ,i have got my faults4 ,i threw my arms around his neck and kissed him1 though that cost me a great effort4 ,i never like to show what ,i feel4 ,but1 oh6 how thankful ,i am for it now4 ,as to mother1 ,i know father never goes out without kissing her good-by4 ,i went out with her to take a walk at three o'clock4 ,we had just reached the corner of ,orange ,street1 when ,i saw a carriage driving slowly towards us2 it appeared to be full of sailors4 ,then ,i saw our friend1 ,mr4 ,freeman1 among them4 ,when he saw us he jumped out and came up to us4 ,i do not know what he said4 ,i saw mother turn pale and catch at his arm as if she were afraid of falling4 ,but she did not speak a word4 ,oh6 ,mr4 ,freeman1 what is it8 ,i cried out4 ,has anything happened to father8 ,is he hurt8 ,where is he8 ,he is in the carriage1 he said4 ,we are taking him home4 ,he has had a fall4 ,then we went on in silence4 ,the sailors were carrying father in as we reached the house4 ,they laid him on the sofa1 we saw his poor head444 ,nov4 #bc4-;,i will try to write the rest now4 ,father was alive but insensible4 ,he had fallen down into the hold of the ship1 and the sailors heard him groaning there4 ,he lived three hours after they brought him home4 ,mr4 ,freeman and all our friends were very kind4 ,but we like best to be alone1 we three1 mother and ,james and ,i4 ,poor mother looks twenty years older1 but she is so patient1 and so concerned for us1 and has such a smile of welcome for every one that comes in1 that it breaks my heart to see her4 ,nov4 #be4-,mother spoke to me very seriously to-day1 about controlling myself more4 ,she said she knew this was my first real sorrow1 and how hard it was to bear it4 ,but that she was afraid ,i should become insane some time1 if ,i indulged myself in such passions of grief4 ,and she said1 too1 that when friends came to see us1 full of sympathy and eager to say or do something for our comfort1 it was our duty to receive them with as much cheerfulness as possible4 ,i said they1 none of them1 had anything to say that did not provoke me4 ,it is always a trying task to visit the afflicted1 mother said1 and you make it doubly hard to your friends by putting on a gloomy1 forbidding air1 and by refusing to talk of your dear father1 as if you were resolved to keep your sorrow all to yourself4 ,i can't smile when ,i am so unhappy1 ,i said4 ,a good many people have been here to-day4 ,mother has seen them all1 though she looked ready to drop4 ,mrs4 ,bates said to me1 in her little1 weak1 watery voice3 ,your mother is wonderfully sustained1 dear4 ,i hope you feel reconciled to ,god's will4 ,rebellion is most displeasing to ,him1 dear4 ,i made no answer4 ,it is very easy for people to preach4 ,let me see how they behave when they their turn to lose their friends4 ,mrs4 ,morris said this was a very mysterious dispensation4 ,but that she was happy to see that ,mother was meeting it with so much firmness4 ,as for myself1 she went on1 ,i was quite broken down by my dear husband's death4 ,i did not eat as much as would feed a bird1 for nearly a week4 ,but some people have so much feeling2 then again others are so firm4 ,your mother is so busy talking with ,mrs4 ,march that ,i won't interrupt her to say good-bye4 ,i came prepared to suggest several things that ,i thought would comfort her2 but perhaps she has thought of them herself4 ,i could have knocked her down4 ,firm1 indeed6 ,poor mother4 ,after they had all gone1 ,i made her lie down1 she looked so tired and worn out4 ,then1 ,i could not help telling her what ,mrs4 ,morris had said4 ,she only smiled a little1 but said nothing4 ,i wish you would ever flare up1 mother1 ,i said4 ,she smiled again1 and said she had nothing to flare up about4 ,then ,i shall do it for you6 ,i cried4 ,to hear that namby-pamby woman1 who is about as capable of understanding you as an old cat1 talking about your being firm6 ,you see what you get by being quiet and patient6 ,people would like you much better if you refused to be comforted1 and wore a sad countenance4 ,dear ,katy1 said mother1 it is not my first object in life to make people like me4 ,by this time she looked so pale that ,i was frightened4 ,though she is so cheerful1 and things go on much as they did before1 ,i believe she has got her death-blow4 ,if she has1 then ,i hope ,i have got mine4 ,and yet ,i am not fit to die4 ,i wish ,i was1 and ,i wish ,i could die4 ,i have lost all interest in everything1 and don't care what becomes of me4 ,nov4 #bc4-;,i believe ,i shall go crazy unless people stop coming here1 hurling volleys of texts at mother and at me4 ,when soldiers drop wounded on the battle-field1 they are taken up tenderly and carried to the rear1 which means1 ,i suppose1 out of sight and sound4 ,is anybody mad enough to suppose it will do them any good to hear ,scripture quoted sermons launched at them before their open1 bleeding wounds are staunched8 ,mother assents1 in a mild way1 when ,i talk so and says1 ,yes1 yes1 we are indeed lying wounded on the battle-field of life1 and in no condition to listen to any words save those of pity4 ,but1 dear ,katy1 we must interpret aright all the well-meant attempts of our friends to comfort us4 ,they mean sympathy1 however awkwardly they express it4 ,and then she sighed1 with a long1 deep sigh1 that told how it all wearied her4 ,dec4 #ad4-,mother keeps saying ,i spend too much time in brooding over my sorrow4 ,as for her1 she seems to live in heaven4 ,not that she has long prosy talks about it1 but little words that she lets drop now and then show where her thoughts are1 and where she would like to be4 ,she seems to think everybody is as eager to go there as she is4 ,for my part1 ,i am not eager at all4 ,i can't make myself feel that it will be nice to sit in rows1 all the time singing1 fond as ,i am of music4 ,and when ,i say to myself1 ,of course we shall not always sit in rows singing1 then ,i fancy a multitude of shadowy1 phantom-like beings1 dressed in white1 moving to and fro in golden streets1 doing nothing in particular1 and having a dreary time1 without anything to look forward to4 ,i told mother so4 ,she said earnestly1 and yet in her sweetest1 tenderest way1 ,oh1 my darling ,katy6 ,what you need is such a living1 personal love to ,christ as shall make the thought of being where ,he is so delightful as to fill your mind with that single thought6 ,what is personal love to ,christ8 ,oh1 dear1 dear6 ,why need my father have been snatched away from me1 when so many other girls have theirs spared to them8 ,he loved me so6 ,he indulged me so much6 ,he was so proud of me6 ,what have ,i done that ,i should have this dreadful thing happen to me8 ,i shall never be as happy as ,i was before4 ,now ,i shall always be expecting trouble4 ,yes1 ,i dare say mother will go next4 ,why shouldn't ,i brood over this sorrow8 ,i like to brood over it2 ,i like to think how wretched ,i am2 ,i like to have long1 furious fits of crying1 lying on my face on the bed4 ,jan4 ,i1 #ahcb4-,people talk a great deal about the blessed effects of sorrow4 ,but ,i do not see any good it has done me to lose my dear father1 and as to mother she was good enough before4 ,we are going to leave our pleasant home1 where all of us children were born1 and move into a house in an out-of-the-way street4 ,by selling this1 and renting a smaller one1 mother hopes1 with economy1 to carry ,james through college4 ,and ,i must go to ,miss ,higgins' school because it is less expensive than ,mr4 ,stone's4 ,miss ,higgins1 indeed6 ,i never could bear her6 ,a few months ago1 how ,i should have cried and stormed at the idea of her school4 ,but the great sorrow swallows up the little trial4 ,i tried once more1 this morning1 as it is the first day of the year1 to force myself to begin to love ,god4 ,i want to do it2 ,i know ,i ought to do it2 but ,i cannot4 ,i go through the form of saying something that ,i try to pass off as praying1 every day now4 ,but ,i take no pleasure in it1 as good people say they do1 and as ,i am sure mother does4 ,nobody could live in the house with her1 and doubt that4 ,jan4 #aj4-,we are in our new home now1 and it is quite a cozy little place4 ,james is at home for the long vacation and we are together all the time ,i am out of school4 ,we study and sing together and now and then1 when we forget that dear father has gone1 we are as full of fun as ever4 ,if it is so nice to have a brother1 what must it be to have a sister6 ,dear old ,jim6 ,he is the very pleasantest1 dearest fellow in the world6 ,jan4 #ae4-;,i have come to another birthday and am seventeen4 ,mother has celebrated it just as usual1 though ,i know all these anniversaries which used to be so pleasant1 must be sad days to her now my dear father has gone4 ,she has been cheerful-and loving1 and entered into all my pleasures exactly as if nothing had happened4 ,i wonder at myself that ,i do not enter more into her sorrows1 but though at times the remembrance of our loss overwhelms me1 my natural elasticity soon makes me rise above and forget it4 ,and ,i am absorbed with these school-days1 that come one after another1 in such quick succession that ,i am all the time running to keep up with them4 ,and as long as ,i do that ,i forget that death has crossed our threshold1 and may do it again4 ,but to night ,i feel very sad1 and as if ,i would give almost any thing to live in a world where nothing painful could happen4 ,somehow mother's pale face haunts and reproaches me4 ,i believe ,i will go to bed and to sleep as quickly as possible1 and forget everything4 ,chapter #c ,,iii ,july #af4 ,my school-days are over6 ,i have come off with flying colors1 and mother is pleased at my success4 ,i said to her to-day that ,i should now have time to draw and practice to my heart's content4 ,you will not find your heart content with either1 she said4 ,why1 mother6 ,i cried1 ,i thought you liked to see me happy6 ,and so ,i do1 she said1 quietly4 ,but there is something better to get out of life than you have yet found4 ,i am sure ,i hope so1 ,i returned4 ,on the whole1 ,i haven't got much so far4 ,amelia is now on such terms with ,jenny ,underhill that ,i can hardly see one without seeing the other4 ,after the way in which ,i have loved her1 this seems rather hard4 ,sometimes ,i am angry about it1 and sometimes grieved4 ,however1 ,i find ,jenny quite nice4 ,she buys all the new books and lends them to me4 ,i wish ,i liked more solid reading2 but ,i don't4 ,and ,i wish ,i were not so fond of novels2 but ,i am4 ,if it were not for mother ,i should read nothing else4 ,and ,i am sure ,i often feel quite stirred up by a really good novel1 and admire and want to imitate every high-minded1 noble character it describes4 ,jenny has a miniature of her brother ,charley in a locket1 which she always wears1 and often shows me4 ,according to her1 he is exactly like the heroes ,i most admire in books4 ,she says she knows he would like me if we should meet4 ,but that is not probable4 ,very few like me4 ,amelia says it is because ,i say just what ,i think4 ,wednesday4-,mother pointed out to me this evening two lines from a book she was reading1 with a significant smile that said they described me3 ,a frank1 unchastened1 generous creature1 ,whose faults and virtues stand in bold relief4 ,dear me6 ,i said1 so then ,i have some virtues after all6 ,and ,i really think ,i must have1 for ,jenny's brother1 who has come here for the sake of being near her1 seems to like me very much4 ,nobody ever liked me so much before1 not even ,amelia4 ,but how foolish to write that down6 ,thursday4-,jenny's brother has been here all evening4 ,he has the most perfect manners ,i ever saw4 ,i am sure that mother1 who thinks so much of such things1 would be charmed with him but she happened to be out1 ,mrs4 ,jones having sent for her to see about her baby4 ,he gave me an account of his mother's death1 and how he and ,jenny nursed her day and night4 ,he has a great deal of feeling4 ,i was going to tell him about my father's death1 sorrow seems to bring people together so1 but ,i could not4 ,oh1 if he had only had a sickness that needed our tender nursing1 instead of being snatched from us in that sudden way6 ,sunday1 ,aug4 #e4-;,jenny's brother has been at our church all day4 ,he walked home with me this afternoon4 ,mother1 after being up all night with ,mrs4 ,jones and her baby1 was not able to go out4 ,dr4 ,cabot preaches as if we had all got to die pretty soon1 or else have something almost as bad happen to us4 ,how can old people always try to make young people feel uncomfortable1 and as if things couldn't last8 ,aug4 #be4-;,jenny says her brother is perfectly fascinated with me1 and that ,i must try to like him in return4 ,i suppose mother would say my head was turned by my good fortune1 but it is not4 ,i am getting quite sober and serious4 ,it is a great thing to be--to be--well--liked4 ,i have seen some verses of his composition to-day that show that he is all heart and soul1 and would make any sacrifice for one he loved4 ,i could not like a man who did not possess such sentiments as his4 ,perhaps mother would think ,i ought not to put such things into my journal4 ,jenny has thought of such a splendid plan6 ,what a dear little thing she is6 ,she and her brother are so much alike6 ,the plan is for us three girls1 ,jenny1 ,amelia and myself1 to form ourselves into a little class to read and to study together4 ,she says ,charley will direct our readings and help us with our studies4 ,it is perfectly delightful4 ,september #a4-,somehow ,i forgot to tell mother that ,mr4 ,underhill was to be our teacher4 ,so when it came my turn to have the class meet here1 she was not quite pleased4 ,i told her she could stay and watch us1 and then she would see for herself that we all behaved ourselves4 ,sept4 #ai4-,the class met at ,amelia's to-night4 ,mother insisted on sending for me1 though ,mr4 ,underhill had proposed to see me home himself4 ,so he stayed after ,i left4 ,it was not quite the thing in him1 for he must see that ,amelia is absolutely crazy about him4 ,sept4 #bh4-,we met at ,jenny's this evening4 ,amelia had a bad headache and could not come4 ,jenny idled over her lessons1 and at last took a book and began to read4 ,i studied awhile with ,mr4 ,underhill4 ,at last he said1 scribbling something on a bit of paper3 ,here is a sentence ,i hope you can translate4 ,i took it1 and read these words3 ,you are the brightest1 prettiest1 most warm-hearted little thing in the world4 ,and ,i love you more than tongue can tell4 ,you must love me in the same way4 ,i felt hot and then cold1 and then glad and then sorry4 ,but ,i pretended to laugh1 and said ,i could not translate ,greek4 ,i shall have to tell mother1 and what will she say8 ,sept4 #bi4-,this morning mother began thus3 ,kate1 ,i do not like these lessons of yours4 ,at your age1 with your judgment quite unformed1 it is not proper that you should spend so much time with a young man4 ,jenny is always there1 and ,amelia1 ,i replied4 ,that makes no difference4 ,i wish the whole thing stopped4 ,i do not know what ,i have been thinking of to let it go on so long4 ,mrs4 ,gordon says-- ,mrs4 ,gordon6 ,ha6 ,i burst out1 ,i knew ,amelia was at the bottom of it6 ,amelia is in love with him up to her very ears1 and because he does not entirely neglect me1 she has put her mother up to coming here1 meddling and making-- ,if what you say of ,amelia is true1 it is most ungenerous in you to tell of it4 ,but ,i do not believe it4 ,amelia ,gordon has too much good sense to be carried away by a handsome face and agreeable manners4 ,i began to cry4 ,he likes me1 ,i got out1 he likes me ever so much4 ,nobody ever was so kind to me before4 ,nobody ever said such nice things to me4 ,and ,i don't want such horrid things said about him4 ,has it really come this6 said mother1 quite shocked4 ,oh1 my poor child1 how my selfish sorrow has made me neglect you4 ,i kept on crying4 ,is it possible1 she went on1 that with your good sense1 and the education you have had1 you are captivated by this mere boy8 ,he is not a boy1 ,i said4 ,he is a man4 ,he is twenty years old2 or at least he will be on the fifteenth of next ,october4 ,the child actually keeps his birthdays6 cried mother4 ,oh1 my wicked1 shameful carelessness4 ,it's done now1 ,i said1 desperately4 ,it is too late to help it now4 ,you don't mean that he has dared to say anything without consulting me8 asked mother4 ,and you have allowed it6 ,oh1 ,katherine6 ,this time my mouth shut itself up1 and no mortal force could open it4 ,i stopped crying1 and sat with folded arms4 ,mother said what she had to say1 and then ,i came to you1 my dear old ,journal4 ,yes1 he likes me and ,i like him4 ,come now1 let's out with it once for all4 ,he loves me and ,i love him4 ,you are just a little bit too late1 mother4 ,oct #a4-;,i never can write down all the things that have happened4 ,the very day after ,i wrote that mother had forbidden my going to the class1 ,charley came to see her1 and they had a regular fight together4 ,he has told me about it since4 ,then1 as he could not prevail1 his uncle wrote1 told her it would be the making of ,charley to be settled down on one young lady instead of hovering from flower to flower1 as he was doing now4 ,then ,jenny came with her pretty ways1 and cried1 and told mother what a darling brother ,charley was4 ,she made a good deal1 too1 out of his having lost both father and mother1 and needing my affection so much4 ,mother shut herself up1 and ,i have no doubt prayed over it4 ,i really believe she prays over every new dress she buys4 ,then she sent for me and talked beautifully1 and ,i behaved abominably4 ,at last she said she would put us on one year's probation4 ,charley might spend one evening here every two weeks1 when she should always be present4 ,we were never to be seen together in public1 nor would she allow us to correspond4 ,if1 at the end of the year1 we were both as eager for it as we are now1 she would consent to our engagement4 ,of course we shall be1 so ,i consider myself as good as engaged now4 ,dear me6 how funny it seems4 ,oct #b4-;,charley is not at all pleased with mother's terms1 but no one would guess it from his manner to her4 ,his coming is always the signal for her trotting down stairs2 he goes to meet her and offers her a chair1 as if he was delighted to see her4 ,we go on with the lessons1 as this gives us a chance to sit pretty close together1 and when ,i am writing my exercises and he corrects them1 ,i rather think a few little things get on to the paper that sound nicely to us1 but would not strike mother very agreeably4 ,for instance1 last night ,charley wrote3 ,is your mother never sick8 ,a nice little headache or two would be so convenient to us6 ,and ,i wrote back4 ,you dear old horrid thing4 ,how can you be so selfish8 ,jan4 #ae1 #ahcc4-;,i have been trying to think whether ,i am any happier to-day than ,i was at this time a year ago4 ,if ,i am not1 ,i suppose it is the tantalizing way in which ,i am placed in regard to ,charley4 ,we have so much to say to each other that we can't say before mother1 and that we cannot say in writing1 because a correspondence is one of the forbidden things4 ,he says he entered into no contract not to write1 and keeps slipping little notes into my hand2 but ,i don't think that quite right4 ,mother hears us arguing and disputing about it1 though she does not know the subject under discussion1 and to-day she said to me3 ,i would not argue with him1 if ,i were you4 ,he never will yield4 ,but it is a case of conscience1 ,i said1 and he ought to yield4 ,there is no obstinacy like that of a f---1 she and stopped short4 ,oh1 you may as well finish it6 ,i cried4 ,i know you think him a fool4 ,then mother burst out1 ,oh1 my child1 she said1 before it is too late1 do be persuaded by me to give up this whole thing4 ,i shrink from paining or offending you1 but it is my duty1 as your mother1 to warn you against a marriage that will make shipwreck of your happiness4 ,marriage6 ,i fairly shrieked out4 ,that is the last thing ,i have ever thought of4 ,i felt a chill creep over me4 ,all ,i had wanted was to have ,charley come here every day1 take me out now and then1 and care for nobody else4 ,yes1 marriage6 mother repeated4 ,for what is the meaning of an engagement if marriage is not to follow8 ,how can you fail to see1 what ,i see1 oh6 so plainly1 that ,charley ,underhill can never1 never meet the requirements of your soul4 ,you are captivated by what girls of your age call beauty1 regular features1 a fair complexion and soft eyes4 ,his flatteries delude1 and his professions of affection gratify you4 ,you do not see that he is shallow1 and conceited1 and selfish and- ,oh mother6 ,how can you be so unjust8 ,his whole study seems to be to please others4 ,seems to be--that is true1 she replied4 ,his ruling passion is love of admiration2 the little pleasing acts that attract you are so many traps set to catch the attention and the favorable opinion of those about him4 ,he has not one honest desire to please because it is right to be pleasing4 ,oh1 my precious child1 what a fatal mistake you are making in relying on your own judgment in this1 the most important of earthly decisions6 ,i felt very angry4 ,i thought the ,bible forbade back-biting1 ,i said4 ,mother made no reply1 except by a look which said about a hundred and forty different things4 ,and then ,i came up here and wrote some poetry1 which was very good 7for me71 though ,i don't suppose she would think so4 ,oct4 #a4-,the year of probation is over1 and ,i have nothing to do now but to be happy4 ,but being engaged is not half so nice as ,i expected it would be4 ,i suppose it is owing to my being obliged to defy mother's judgment in order to gratify my own4 ,people say she has great insight into character1 and sees1 at a glance1 what others only learn after much study4 ,oct4 #aj4-;,i have taken a dreadful cold4 ,it is too bad4 ,i dare say ,i shall be coughing all winter1 and instead of going out with ,charley1 be shut up at home4 ,oct4 #ab4-;,charley says he did not know that ,i was subject to a cough1 and that he hopes ,i am not consumptive1 because his father and mother died of consumption1 and it makes him nervous to hear people cough4 ,i nearly strangled myself all the evening trying not to annoy him with mine4 ,chapter #d ,,iv ,nov4 #b4 ,i really think ,i am sick and going to die4 ,last night ,i raised a little blood4 ,i dare not tell mother1 it would distress her so1 but ,i am sure it came from my lungs4 ,charley said last week he really must stay away till ,i got better1 for my cough sounded like his mother's4 ,i have been very lonely1 and have shed some tears1 but most of the time have been too sorrowful to cry4 ,if we were married1 and ,i had a cough1 would he go and leave me1 ,i wonder8 ,sunday1 ,nov #ah-,poor mother is dreadfully anxious about me4 ,but ,i don't see how she can love me so1 after the way ,i have behaved4 ,i wonder if1 after all1 mothers are not the best friends there are6 ,i keep her awake with my cough all night1 and am mopy and cross all day1 but she is just as kind and affectionate as she can be4 ,nov4 #be4-,the day ,i wrote that was ,sunday4 ,i could not go to church1 and ,i felt very forlorn and desolate4 ,i tried to get some comfort by praying1 but when ,i got on my knees ,i just burst out crying and could not say a word4 ,for ,i have not seen ,charley for ten days4 ,as ,i knelt there ,i began to think myself a perfect monster of selfishness for wanting him to spend his evenings with me1 now that ,i am so unwell and annoy him so with my cough1 and ,i asked myself if ,i ought not to break off the engagement altogether1 if ,i was really in consumption1 the very disease ,charley dreaded most of all4 ,it seemed such a proper sacrifice to make of myself4 ,then ,i prayed-yes1 ,i am sure ,i really prayed as ,i had not done for more than a year1 the idea of self-sacrifice grew every moment more beautiful in my eyes1 till at last ,i felt an almost joyful triumph in writing to poor ,charley1 and tell him what ,i had resolved to do4 ,this is my letter3 ,my ,dear1 ,dear ,charley--,i dare not tell you what it costs me to say what ,i am about to do2 but ,i am sure you know me well enough by this time believe that it is only because your happiness is far more precious to me than my own1 that ,i have decided to write you this letter4 ,when you first told me that you loved me1 you said1 and you have often said so since then1 that it was my brightness and gayety that attracted you4 ,i knew there was something underneath my gayety better worth your love1 and was glad ,i could give you more than you asked for4 ,i knew ,i was not a mere thoughtless1 laughing girl1 but that ,i had a heart as wide as the ocean to give you-as wide and as deep4 ,but now my brightness and gayety have gone2 ,i am sick and perhaps am going to die4 ,if this is so1 it would be very sweet to have your love go with me to the very gates of death1 and beautify and glorify my path thither4 ,but what a weary task this would be to you1 my poor ,charley6 ,and so1 if you think it best1 and it would relieve you of any care and pain1 ,i will release you from our engagement and set you free4 ,your ,little ,katy4 ,i did not sleep at all that night4 ,early on ,monday ,i sent off my letter2 and my heart beat so hard all day that ,i was tired and faint4 ,just at dark his answer came2 ,i can copy it from memory4 ,dear ,kate3--,what a generous1 self-sacrificing little thing you are6 ,i always thought so1 but now you have given me a noble proof of it4 ,i will own that ,i have been disappointed to find your constitution so poor1 and that it has been very dull sitting and hearing you cough1 especially as ,i was reminded of the long and tedious illness through which poor ,jenny and myself had to nurse our mother4 ,i vowed then never to marry a consumptive woman1 and ,i thank you for making it so easy for me to bring our engagement to an end4 ,my bright hopes are blighted1 and it will be long before ,i shall find another to fill your place4 ,i need not say how much ,i sympathize with you in this disappointment4 ,i hope the consolations of religion will now be yours4 ,your notes1 the lock of your hair1 etc41 ,i return with this now4 ,i will not reproach you for the pain you have cost me2 ,i know it is not your fault that your health has become so frail4 ,i remain your sincere friend1 ,charles ,underhill ,jan4 #a1 #ahcd4-,let me finish this story ,if ,i can4 ,my first impulse after reading his letter was to fly to mother1 and hide away forever in her dear1 loving arms4 ,but ,i restrained myself1 and with my heart beating so that ,i could hardly hold my pen1 ,i wrote3 ,mr4 ,underhill ,sir--,the scales have fallen from my eyes1 and ,i see you at last just as you are4 ,since my note to you on ,sunday last1 ,i have had a consultation of physicians1 and they all agree that my disease is not of an alarming character1 and that ,i shall soon recover4 ,but ,i thank ,god that before it was too late1 you have been revealed to me just as you are-a heartless1 selfish1 shallow creature1 unworthy the love of a true-hearted woman1 unworthy even of your own self-respect4 ,i gave you an opportunity to withdraw from our engagement in full faith1 loving you so truly that ,i was ready to go trembling to my grave alone if you shrank from sustaining me to it4 ,but ,i see now that ,i did not dream for one moment that you would take me at my word and leave me to my fate4 ,i thought ,i loved a man1 and could lean on him when strength failed me2 ,i know now that ,i loved a mere creature of my imagination4 ,take back your letters2 loathe the sight of them4 ,take back the ring1 and find1 if you can1 a woman who will never be sick1 never out of spirits1 and who never will die4 ,thank heaven it is not ,katherine ,mortimer4 ,these lines came to me in reply3 ,thank ,god it is not ,kate ,mortimer4 ,i want an angel for my wife1 not a vixen4 ,c4 ,u4 ,jan4 #ae-,what a tempest-tossed creature this birthday finds me4 ,but let me finish this wretched1 disgraceful story1 if ,i can1 before ,i quite lose my senses4 ,i showed my mother the letters4 ,she burst into tears and opened her arms1 and ,i ran into them as a wounded bird flies into the ark4 ,we cried together4 ,mother never said1 never looked1 ,i told you so4 ,all she did say was this1 ,god has heard my prayers6 ,he is reserving better things for my child6 ,dear mother's are not the only arms ,i have flown to4 ,but it does not seem as if ,god ought to take me in because ,i am in trouble1 when ,i would not go to him when ,i was happy in something else4 ,but even in the midst of my greatest felicity ,i had many and many a misgiving2 many a season when my conscience upbraided me for my willfulness towards my dear mother1 and my whole soul yearned for something higher and better even than ,charley's love1 precious as it was4 ,jan4 #bf4-;,i have shut myself up in my room to-day to think over things4 ,the end of it is that ,i am full of mortification and confusion of face4 ,if ,i had only had confidence in mother's judgment ,i should never have get entangled in this silly engagement4 ,i see now that ,charley never could have made me happy1 and ,i know there is a good deal in my heart he never called out4 ,i wish1 however1 ,i had not written him when ,i was in passion4 ,no wonder he is thankful that he free from such a vixen4 ,but1 oh the provocation was terrible6 ,i have made up my mind never to tell a human soul about this affair4 ,it will be so high-minded and honorable to shield him thus from the contempt he deserves4 ,with all my faults ,i am glad that there is nothing mean or little about me6 ,jan4 #bg4-;,i can't bear to write it down1 but ,i will4 ,the ink was hardly dry yesterday on the above self-laudation when ,amelia came4 ,she had been out of town1 and had only just learned what had happened4 ,of course she was curious to know the whole story4 ,and ,i told it to her1 every word of it6 ,oh1 ,kate ,mortimer1 how high-minded you are6 ,how free from all that is mean and little6 ,i could tear my hair if it would do any good8 ,amelia defended ,charley1 and ,i was thus led on to say every harsh thing of him ,i could think of4 ,she said he was of so sensitive a nature1 had so much sensibility1 and such a constitutional aversion to seeing suffering1 that for her part she could not blame him4 ,it is such a pity you had not had your lungs examined before you wrote that first letter1 she went on4 ,but you are so impulsive6 ,if you had only waited you would be engaged to ,charley still6 ,i am thankful ,i did not wait1 ,i cried1 angrily4 ,do1 ,amelia1 drop the subject forever4 ,you and ,i shall never agree upon it4 ,the truth is1 you are two-thirds in love with him1 and have been1 all along4 ,she colored1 and laughed1 and actually looked pleased4 ,if anyone had made such an outrageous speech to me ,i should have been furious4 ,i suppose you know1 said she1 that old ,mr4 ,underhill has taken such a fancy to him that he has made him his heir2 and he is as rich as a ,jew4 ,indeed6 ,i said1 dryly4 ,i wonder if mother knew it when she opposed our engagement so strenuously4 ,jan4 #ca4-;,i have asked her1 and she said she did4 ,mr4 ,underhill told her his intentions when he urged her consent to the engagement4 ,dear mother6 ,how unworldly1 how unselfish she is6 ,feb4 #d4-,the name of ,charley ,underhill appears on these pages for the last time4 ,he is engaged to ,amelia6 ,from this moment she is lost to me forever4 ,how desolate1 how mortified1 how miserable ,i am6 ,who could have thought this of ,amelia6 ,she came to see me1 radiant with joy4 ,i concealed my disgust until she said that ,charley felt now that he had never really loved me1 but had preferred her all along4 ,then ,i burst out4 ,what ,i said ,i do not know1 and do not care4 ,the whole thing is so disgraceful that ,i should be a stock or a stone not to resent it4 ,feb4 #e4-;,after yesterday's passion of grief1 shame1 and anger1 ,i feel perfectly stupid and languid4 ,oh1 that ,i was prepared for a better world1 and could fly to it and be at rest6 ,feb4 #f4-,now that it is all over1 how ashamed ,i am of the fury ,i have been in1 and which has given ,amelia such advantage over me6 ,i was beginning to believe that ,i was really living a feeble and fluttering1 but real ,christian life1 and finding some satisfaction in it4 ,but that is all over now4 ,i am doomed to be a victim of my own unstable1 passionate1 wayward nature1 and the sooner ,i settle down into that conviction1 the better4 ,and yet how my very soul craves the highest happiness1 and refuses to be comforted while that is wanting4 ,feb4 #g4-;,after writing that1 ,i do not know what made me go to see ,dr4 ,cabot4 ,he received me in that cheerful way of his that seems to promise the taking one's burden right off one's back4 ,i am very glad to see you1 my dear child1 he said4 ,i intended to be very dignified and cold4 ,as if ,i was going to have any ,dr4 ,cabot's undertaking to sympathize with me6 ,but those few kind words just upset me1 and ,i began to cry4 ,you would not speak so kindly1 ,i got out at last1 if you knew what a dreadful creature ,i am4 ,i am angry with myself1 and angry with everybody1 and angry with ,god4 ,i can't be good two minutes at a time4 ,i do everything ,i do not want to do1 and do nothing ,i try and pray to do4 ,everybody plagues me and tempts me4 ,and ,god does not answer any of my prayers1 and ,i am just desperate4 ,poor child6 he said1 in a low voice1 as if to himself4 ,poor1 heart-sick1 tired child1 that cannot see what ,i can see1 that its ,father's loving arms are all about it8 ,i stopped crying1 to strain my ears and listen4 ,he went on4 ,katy1 all that you say may be true4 ,i dare say it is4 ,but ,god loves you4 ,he loves you4 ,he loves me1 ,i repeated to myself4 ,he loves me6 ,oh1 ,dr4 ,cabot1 if ,i could believe that6 ,if ,i could believe that1 after all the promises ,i have broken1 all the foolish1 wrong things ,i have done and shall always be doing1 ,god perhaps still loves me6 ,you may be sure of it1 he said1 solemnly4 ,i1 minister1 bring the gospel to you to-day4 ,go home and say over and over to yourself1 ',i am a wayward1 foolish child4 ,but ,he loves me6 ,i have disobeyed and grieved ,him ten thousand times4 ,but ,he loves me6 ,i have lost faith in some of my dearest friends and am very desolate4 ,but ,he loves me6 ,i do not love ,him1 ,i am even angry with ,him6 ,but ,he loves me6 ' ,i came away1 and all the way home ,i fought this battle with myself1 saying1 ,he loves me6 ,i knelt down to pray1 and all my wasted1 childish1 wicked life came and stared me in the face4 ,i looked at it1 and said with tears of joy1 ,but ,he loves me6 ,never in my life did ,i feel so rested1 so quieted1 so sorrowful1 and yet so satisfied4 ,feb #aj4-,what a beautiful world this is1 and how full it is of truly kind1 good people6 ,mrs4 ,morris was here this morning1 and just one squeeze of that long1 yellow old hand of hers seemed to speak a bookful6 ,i wonder why ,i have always disliked her so1 for she is really an excellent woman4 ,i gave her a good kiss to pay her for the sympathy she had sense enough not to put into canting words1 and if you will believe it1 dear old ,journal1 the tears came into her eyes1 and she said3 ,you are one of the ,lord's beloved ones1 though perhaps you do not know it4 ,i repeated again to myself those sweet1 mysterious words1 and then ,i tried to think what ,i could do for ,him4 ,but ,i could not think of anything great or good enough4 ,i went into mother's room and put my arms round her and told her how ,i loved her4 ,she looked surprised and pleased4 ,ah1 ,i knew it would come6 she said1 laying her hand on her ,bible4 ,knew what would come1 mother8 ,peace1 she said4 ,i came back here and wrote a little note to ,amelia1 telling her how ashamed and sorry ,i was that ,i could not control myself the other day4 ,then ,i wrote a long letter to ,james4 ,i have been very careless about writing to him4 ,then ,i began to hem those handkerchiefs mother asked me to finish a month ago4 ,but ,i could not think of anything to do for ,god4 ,i wish ,i could4 ,it makes me so happy to think that all this time1 while ,i was caring for nobody but myself1 and fancying ,he must almost hate me1 ,he was loving and pitying me4 ,feb4 #ae4-;,i went to see ,dr4 ,cabot again to-day4 ,he came down from his study with his pen in his hand4 ,how dare you come and spoil my sermon on ,saturday8 he asked1 good-humoredly4 ,though he seemed full of loving kindness1 ,i was ashamed of my thoughtlessness4 ,though ,i did not know he was particularly busy on ,saturdays4 ,if ,i were a minister ,i am sure ,i would get my sermons done early in the week4 ,i only wanted to ask one thing1 ,i said4 ,i want to do something for ,god4 ,and ,i cannot think of anything unless it is to go on a mission4 ,and mother would never let me do that4 ,she thinks girls with delicate health are not fit for such work4 ,at all events ,i would not go to-day1 he replied4 ,meanwhile do everything you do for ,him who has loved you and given ,himself for you4 ,i did not dare to stay any longer1 and so came away quite puzzled4 ,dinner was ready1 and as ,i sat down to the table1 ,i said to myself3 ,i eat this dinner for myself1 not for ,god4 ,what can ,dr4 ,cabot mean8 ,then ,i remembered the text about doing all for the glory of ,god1 even in eating and drinking2 but ,i do not understand it at all4 ,feb4 #ai4-;,it has seemed to me for several days that it must be that ,i really do love ,god1 though ever so little4 ,but it shot through my mind to-day like a knife1 that it is a miserable1 selfish love at the best1 not worth my giving1 not worth ,god's accepting4 ,all my old misery has come back with seven other miseries more miserable than itself4 ,i wish ,i had never been born6 ,i wish ,i were thoughtless and careless1 like so many other girls of my age1 who seem to get along very well1 and to enjoy themselves far more than ,i do4 ,feb4 #ba4-;,dr4 ,cabot came to see me to-day4 ,i told him all about it4 ,he could not help smiling as he said3 ,when ,i see a little infant caressing its mother1 would you have me say to it1 ',you selfish child1 how dare you pretend to caress your mother in that way8 ,you are quite unable to appreciate her character2 you love her merely because she loves you1 treats you kindly8' ,it was my turn to smile now1 at my own folly4 ,you are as yet but a babe in ,christ1 ,dr4 ,cabot continued4 ,you love your ,god and ,saviour because ,he first loved you4 ,the time will come when the character of your love will become changed into one which sees and feels the beauty and the perfection of its object1 and if you could be assured that ,he no longer looked on you with favor1 you would still cling to ,him with devoted affection4 ,there is one thing more that troubles me1 ,i said4 ,most persons know the exact moment when they begin real ,christian lives4 ,but ,i do not know of any such time in my history4 ,this causes me many uneasy moments4 ,you are wrong in thinking that most persons have this advantage over you4 ,i believe that the children of ,christian parents1 who have been judiciously trained1 rarely can point to any day or hour when they began to live this new life4 ,the question is not1 do you remember1 my child1 when you entered this world1 and how6 ,it is simply this1 are you now alive and an inhabitant thereof8 ,and now it is my turn to ask you a question4 ,how happens it that you1 who have a mother of rich and varied experience1 allow yourself to be tormented with these petty anxieties which she is as capable of dispelling as ,i am8 ,i do not know1 ,i answered4 ,but we girls can't talk to our mothers about any of our sacred feelings1 and we hate to have them talk to us4 ,dr4 ,cabot shook his head4 ,there is something wrong somewhere1 he said1 ,a young girl's mother is her natural refuge in every perplexity4 ,i hoped that you1 who have rather more sense than most girls of your age1 could give me some idea what the difficulty is4 ,after he had gone1 ,i am ashamed to own that ,i was in a perfect flutter of delight at what he had said about my having more sense than most girls4 ,meeting poor mother on the stairs while in this exalted state of mind1 ,i gave her a very short answer to a kind question1 and made her unhappy1 as ,i have made myself4 ,it is just a year ago to-day that ,i got frightened at my novel-reading propensities1 and resolved not to look into one for twelve months4 ,i was getting to dislike all other books1 and night after night sat up late1 devouring everything exciting ,i could get hold of4 ,one ,saturday night ,i sat up till the clock struck twelve to finish one1 and the next morning ,i was so sleepy that ,i had to stay at home from church4 ,now ,i hope and believe the back of this taste is broken1 and that ,i shall never be a slave to it again4 ,indeed it does not seem to me now that ,i shall ever care for such books again4 ,feb4 #bd4-,mother spoke to me this morning for the fiftieth time1 ,i really believe1 about my disorderly habits4 ,i don't think ,i am careless because ,i like confusion1 but the trouble is ,i am always in a hurry and a ferment about something4 ,if ,i want anything1 ,i want it very much1 and right away4 ,so if ,i am looking for a book1 or a piece of music1 or a pattern1 ,i tumble everything around1 and can't stop to put them to rights4 ,i wish ,i were not so-eager and impatient4 ,but ,i mean to try to keep my room and my drawers in order1 to please mother4 ,she says1 too1 that ,i am growing careless about my hair and my dress4 ,but that is because my mind is so full of graver1 more important things4 ,i thought ,i ought to be wholly occupied with my duty to ,god4 ,but mother says duty to ,god includes duty to one's neighbor1 and that untidy hair1 put up in all sorts of rough bunches1 rumpled cuffs and collars1 and all that sort of thing1 make one offensive to all one meets4 ,i am sorry she thinks so1 for ,i find it very convenient to twist up my hair almost any how1 and it takes a good deal of time to look after collars and cuffs4 ,march #ad4-,to-day ,i feel discouraged and disappointed4 ,i certainly thought that if ,god really loved me1 and ,i really loved ,him1 ,i should find myself growing better day by day4 ,but ,i am not improved in the least4 ,most of the time ,i spend on my knees ,i am either stupid2 feeling nothing at all1 or else my head is full of what ,i was doing before ,i began to pray1 or what ,i am going to do as soon as ,i get through4 ,i do not believe anybody else in the world is like me in this respect4 ,then when ,i feel differently1 and can make a nice1 glib prayer1 with floods of tears running down my cheeks1 ,i get all puffed up1 and think how much pleased ,god must be to see me so fervent in spirit4 ,i go down-stairs in this frame1 and begin to scold ,susan for misplacing my music1 till all of a sudden ,i catch myself doing it1 and stop short1 crestfallen and confounded4 ,i have so many such experiences that ,i feel like a baby just learning to walk1 who is so afraid of falling that it has half a mind to sit down once for all4 ,then there is another thing4 ,seeing mother so fond of ,thomas ,a ,kempis1 ,i have been reading it1 now and then1 and am not fond of it at all4 ,from beginning to end it exhorts to self-denial in every form and shape4 ,must ,i then give up all hope of happiness in this world1 and modify all my natural tastes and desires8 ,oh1 ,i do love so to be happy6 ,i do so hate to suffer6 ,the very thought of being sick1 or of being forced to nurse sick people1 with all their cross ways1 and of losing my friends1 or of having to live with disagreeable people1 makes me shudder4 ,i want to please ,god1 and to be like ,him4 ,i certainly do4 ,but ,i am so young1 and it is so natural to want to have a good time6 ,and now ,i am in for it ,i may as well tell the whole story4 ,when ,i read the lives of good men and women who have died and gone to heaven1 ,i find they all liked to sit and think about ,god and about ,christ4 ,now ,i don't4 ,i often try1 but my mind flies off in a tangent4 ,the truth is ,i am perfectly discouraged4 ,march #ag4-;,i went to see ,dr4 ,cabot to-day1 but he was out1 so ,i thought ,i would ask for ,mrs4 ,cabot1 though ,i was determined not to tell her any of my troubles4 ,but somehow she got the whole story out of me1 and instead of being shocked1 as ,i expected she would be1 she actually burst out laughing6 ,she recovered herself immediately1 however4 ,do excuse me for laughing at you1 you dear child you6 she said4 ,but ,i remember so well how ,i use to flounder through just such needless anxieties1 and life looks so different1 so very different1 to me now from what it did then6 ,what should you think of a man who1 having just sowed his field1 was astonished not to see it at once ripe for the harvest1 because his neighbor's1 after long months of waiting1 was just being gathered in8 ,do you mean1 ,i asked1 that by and by ,i shall naturally come to feel and think as other good people do8 ,yes1 ,i do4 ,you must make the most of what little ,christian life you have2 be thankful ,god has given you so much1 cherish it1 pray over it1 and guard it like the apple of your eye4 ,imperceptibly1 but surely1 it will grow1 and keep on growing1 for this is its nature4 ,but ,i don't want to wait1 ,i said1 despondently4 ,i have just been reading a delightful book1 full of stories of heroic deeds-not fables1 but histories of real events and real people4 ,it has quite stirred me up1 and made me wish to possess such beautiful heroism1 and that ,i were a man1 that ,i might have a chance to perform some truly noble1 self-sacrificing acts4 ,i dare say your chance will come1 she replied1 though you are not a man4 ,i fancy we all get1 more or less1 what we want4 ,do you really think so8 ,let me see1 then1 what ,i want most4 ,but ,i am staying too long4 ,were you particularly busy8 ,no1 she returned smilingly1 ,i am learning that the man who wants me is the man ,i want4 ,you are very good to say so4 ,well1 in the first place1 ,i do really and truly want to be good4 ,not with common goodness1 you know1 but- ,but uncommon goodness1 she put in4 ,i mean that ,i want to be very1 very good4 ,i should like next best to be learned and accomplished4 ,then ,i should want to be perfectly well and perfectly happy4 ,and a pleasant home1 of course1 ,i must have1 with friends to love me1 and like me1 too4 ,and ,i can't get along without some pretty1 tasteful things about me4 ,but you are laughing at me6 ,have ,i said anything foolish8 ,if ,i laughed it was not at you1 but at poor human nature that would fain grasp everything at once4 ,allowing that you should possess all you have just described1 where is the heroism you so much admire for exercise8 ,that is just what ,i was saying4 ,that is just what troubles me4 ,to be sure1 while perfectly well and happy1 in a pleasant home2 with friends to love and admire you-- ,oh1 ,i did not say admire1 ,i interrupted4 ,that was just what you meant1 my dear4 ,i am afraid it was1 now ,i come to think it over4 ,well1 with plenty of friends1 good in an uncommon way1 accomplished1 learned1 and surrounded with pretty and tasteful objects1 your life will certainly be in danger of not proving very sublime4 ,it is a great pity1 ,i said1 musingly4 ,suppose then you content yourself for the present with doing in a faithful1 quiet1 persistent way all the little1 homely tasks that return with each returning day1 each one as unto ,god1 and perhaps by and by you will thus have gained strength for a more heroic life4 ,but ,i don't know how4 ,you have some little home duties1 ,i suppose8 ,yes2 ,i have the care of my own room1 and mother wants me to have a general oversight of the parlor2 you know we have but one parlor now4 ,is that all you have to do8 ,why1 my music and drawing take up a good deal of my time1 and ,i read and study more or less1 and go out some1 and we have a good many visitors4 ,i suppose1 then1 you keep your room in nice lady-like order1 and that the parlor is dusted every morning1 loose music put out of the way1 books restored to their places- ,now ,i know mother has been telling you4 ,your mother has told me nothing at all4 ,well1 then1 ,i said1 laughing1 but a little ashamed1 ,i don't keep my room in nice order1 and mother really sees to the parlor herself1 though ,i pretend to do it4 ,and is she never annoyed by this neglect8 ,oh1 yes1 very much annoyed4 ,then1 dear ,katy1 suppose your first act of heroism to-morrow should be the gratifying your mother in these little things1 little though they are4 ,surely your first duty1 next to pleasing ,god1 is to please your mother1 and in every possible way to sweeten and beautify her life4 ,you may depend upon it that a life of real heroism and self-sacrifice must begin and lay its foundation in this little world1 wherein it learns its first lesson and takes its first steps4 ,and do you really think that ,god notices such little things8 ,my dear child1 what a question6 ,if there is any one truth ,i would gladly impress on the mind of a you ,christian1 it is just this1 that ,god notices the most trivial act1 accepts the poorest1 most threadbare little service1 listens to the coldest1 feeblest petition1 and gathers up with parental fondness all our fragmentary desires and attempts at good works4 ,oh1 if we could only begin to conceive how ,he loves us1 what different creatures we should be6 ,i felt inspired by her enthusiasm1 though ,i don't think ,i quite understand what she means4 ,i did not dare to stay any longer1 for1 with her great host of children1 she must have her hands full4 ,march #be4-,mother is very much astonished to see how nicely ,i am keeping things in order4 ,i was flying about this morning1 singing1 and dusting the furniture1 when she came in and began1 ,he that is faithful in that which is least-but ,i ran at her my brush1 and would not let her finish4 ,i really1 really don't deserve to be praised4 ,for ,i have been thinking that1 if it is true that ,god notices every little thing we do to please ,him1 ,he must also notice every cross word we speak1 every shrug of the shoulders1 every ungracious look1 and that they displease ,him4 ,and my list of such offences is as long as my life4 ,march #bi-,yesterday1 for the first time since that dreadful blow1 ,i felt some return of my natural gayety and cheerfulness4 ,it seemed to come hand in hand with my first real effort to go so far out of myself as to try to do exactly what would gratify dear mother4 ,but to-day ,i am all down again4 ,i miss ,amelia's friendship1 for one thing4 ,to be sure ,i wonder how ,i ever came to love such a superficial character so devotedly1 but ,i must have somebody to love1 and perhaps ,i invented a lovely creature1 and called it by her name1 and bowed down to it and worshiped it4 ,i certainly did so in regard to him whose heart less cruelty has left me so sad1 so desolate4 ,evening4-,mother has been very patient and forbearing with me all day4 ,to-night1 after tea1 she said1 in her gentlest1 tenderest way1 ,dear ,katy1 ,i feel very sorry for you4 ,but ,i see one path which you have not yet tried1 which can lead you out of these sore straits4 ,you have tried living for yourself a good many years1 and the result is great weariness and heaviness of soul4 ,try now to live for others4 ,take a class in the ,sunday-school4 ,go with me to visit my poor people4 ,you will be astonished to find how much suffering and sickness there is in this world1 and how delightful it is to sympathize with and try to relieve it4 ,this advice was very repugnant to me4 ,my time is pretty fully occupied with my books1 my music and my drawing4 ,and of all places in the world ,i hate a sick-room4 ,but1 on the whole1 ,i will take a class in the ,sunday-school4 ,chapter #e ,v4 ,,april #f4 ,i have taken it at last4 ,i would not take one before1 because ,i knew ,i could not teach little children how to love ,god1 unless ,i loved ,him myself4 ,my class is perfectly delightful4 ,there are twelve dear little things in it1 of all ages between eight and nine4 ,eleven are girls1 and the one boy makes me more trouble than all of them put together4 ,when ,i get them all about me1 and their sweet innocent faces look up into mine1 ,i am so happy that ,i can hardly help stopping every now and then to kiss them4 ,they ask the very strangest questions ,i mean to spend a great deal of time in preparing the lesson1 and in hunting up stories to illustrate it4 ,oh1 ,i am so glad ,i was ever born into this beautiful world1 where there will always be dear little children to love6 ,,april #ac4-,sunday has come again1 and with it my darling little class6 ,dr4 ,cabot has preached delightfully all day1 and ,i feel that ,i begin to understand his preaching better1 and that it must do me good4 ,i long1 ,i truly long to please ,god2 ,i long to feel as the best ,christians feel1 and to live as they live4 ,,april #bj4-,now that ,i have these twelve little ones to instruct1 ,i am more than ever in earnest about setting them a good example through the week4 ,it is true they do not1 most of them1 know how ,i spend my time1 nor how ,i act4 ,but ,i know1 and whenever ,i am conscious of not practicing what ,i preach1 ,i am bitterly ashamed and grieved4 ,how much work1 badly done1 ,i am now having to undo4 ,if ,i had begun in earnest to serve ,god when ,i was as young as these children are1 how many wrong habits ,i should have avoided2 habits that entangle me now1 as in so many nets4 ,i am trying to take each of these little gentle girls by the hand and to lead her to ,christ4 ,poor ,johnny ,ross is not so docile as they are1 and tries my patience to the last degree4 ,,april #bg4-,this morning ,i had my little flock about me1 and talked to them out of the very bottom of my heart about ,jesus4 ,they left their seats and got close to me in a circle1 leaning on my lap and drinking in every word4 ,all of a sudden ,i was aware1 as by a magnetic influence1 that a great lumbering man in the next seat was looking at me out of two of the blackest eyes ,i ever saw1 and evidently listening to what ,i was saying4 ,i was disconcerted at first1 then angry4 ,what impertinence4 ,what rudeness6 ,i am sure he must have seen my displeasure in my face1 for he got up what ,i suppose he meant for a blush1 that is he turned several shades darker than he was before1 giving one the idea that he is full of black rather than red blood4 ,i should not have remembered it1 however-by it-,i mean his impertinence--if he had not shortly after made a really excellent address to the children4 ,perhaps it was a little above their comprehension1 but it showed a good deal of thought and earnestness4 ,i meant to ask who he was1 but forgot it4 ,this has been a delightful ,sunday4 ,i have really feasted on ,dr4 ,cabot's preaching4 ,but ,i am satisfied that there is something in religion ,i do not yet comprehend4 ,i do wish ,i positively knew that ,god had forgiven and accepted me4 ,,may #f4-,last evening ,clara ,ray had a little party and ,i was there4 ,she has a great knack at getting the right sort of people together1 and of making them enjoy themselves4 ,i sang several songs1 and so did ,clara1 but they all said my voice was finer and in better training than hers4 ,it is delightful to be with cultivated1 agreeable people4 ,i could have stayed all night1 but mother sent for me before any one else had thought of going4 ,,may #g4-;,i have been on a charming excursion to-day with ,clara ,ray and all her set4 ,i was rather tired1 but had an invitation to a concert this evening which ,i could not resist4 ,,july #ba4-,so much has been going on that ,i have not had time to write4 ,there is no end to the picnics1 drives1 parties1 etc41 this summer4 ,i am afraid ,i am not getting on at all4 ,my prayers are dull and short1 and full of wandering thoughts4 ,i am brimful of vivacity and good humor in company1 and as soon as ,i get home am stupid and peevish4 ,i suppose this will always be so1 as it always has been and ,i declare ,i would rather be so than such a vapid1 flat creature as ,mary ,jones1 or such a dull1 heavy one as big ,lucy ,merrill4 ,,july #bd4-;,clara ,ray says the girls think me reckless and imprudent in speech4 ,i've a good mind not to go with her set any more4 ,i am afraid ,i have been a good deal dazzled by the attentions ,i have received of late2 and now comes this blow at my vanity4 ,on the whole1 ,i feel greatly out of sorts this evening4 ,,july #bh4-,people talk about happiness to be found in a ,christian life4 ,i wonder why ,i do not find more6 ,on ,sundays ,i am pretty good1 and always seem to start afresh2 but on week-days ,i am drawn along with those about me4 ,all my pleasures are innocent ones2 there is surely no harm in going to concerts1 driving out1 singing1 and making little visits6 ,but these things distract me2 they absorb me2 they make religious duties irksome4 ,i almost wish ,i could shut myself up in a cell1 and so get out of the reach of temptation4 ,the truth is1 the journey heavenward is all up hill ,i have to force myself to keep on4 ,the wonder is that anybody gets there with so much to oppose--- so little to help one6 ,,july #bi4-;,it is high time to stop and think4 ,i have been like one running a race1 and am stopping to take breath4 ,i do not like the way in which things have been going on of late4 ,i feel restless and ill at ease4 ,i see that if ,i would be happy in ,god1 ,i must give ,him all4 ,and there is a wicked reluctance to do that4 ,i want ,him-but ,i want to have my own way1 too4 ,i want to walk humbly and softly before ,him1 and ,i want to go where ,i shall be admired and applauded4 ,to whom shall ,i yield8 ,to ,god8 ,or to myself8 ,,july #cj4-;,i met ,dr4 ,cabot to-day1 and could not1 help asking the question3 ,is it right for me to sing and play in company when all ,i do it for is to be admired8 ,are you sure it is all you do it for8 he returned4 ,oh1 ,i said1 ,i suppose there may be a sprinkling of desire to entertain and please1 mixed with the love of display4 ,do you suppose that your love of display1 allowing you have it1 would be forever slain by your merely refusing to sing in company8 ,i thought that might give it a pretty hard blow1 ,i said1 if not its death-blow4 ,meanwhile1 in1 punishing yourself you punish your poor innocent friends1 he said laughing4 ,no child1 go on singing2 ,god has given you this power of entertaining and1 gratifying your friends4 ,but1 pray without ceasing1 that you may sing from pure benevolence and not from pure self-love4 ,why1 do people pray about such things as that8 ,i cried4 ,of course they do4 ,why1 ,i would pray about my little finger1 if my little finger went astray4 ,i looked at his little finger1 but saw no signs of its becoming schismatic4 ,,aug4 #c4-,this morning ,i took great delight in praying for my little scholars1 and went to ,sunday-school as on wings4 ,but on reaching my seat1 what was my horror to find ,maria ,perry there6 ,oh1 your seat is changed1 said she4 ,i am to have half your class1 and ,i like this seat better than those higher up4 ,i suppose you don't care8 ,but ,i do care1 ,i returned2 and you have taken my very best children-the very sweetest and the very prettiest4 ,i shall speak to ,mr4 ,williams about it directly4 ,at any rate1 ,i would not fly into such a fury1 she said4 ,it is just as pleasant to me to have pretty children to teach as it is to you4 ,mr4 ,williams said he had no doubt you would be glad to divide your class with me1 as it is so large2 and ,i doubt if you gain anything by speaking to him4 ,there was no time for further discussion1 as school was about to begin4 ,i went to my new seat with great disgust1 and found it very inconvenient4 ,the children could not cluster around me as they did before1 and ,i got on with the lesson very badly4 ,i am sure ,maria ,perry has no gift at teaching little children1 and ,i feel quite vexed and disappointed4 ,this has not been a profitable ,sunday1 and ,i and now going to bed1 cheerless and uneasy4 ,,aug4 #i4-,mr4 ,williams called this evening to say that ,i am to have my old seat and all the children again4 ,all the mothers had been to see him1 or had written him notes about it1 and requested that ,i continue to teach them4 ,mr4 ,williams said he hoped ,i would go on teaching for twenty years1 and that as fast as his little girls grew old enough to come to ,sunday-school he should want me to take charge of them4 ,i should have been greatly elated by these compliments1 but for the display ,i made of myself to ,maria ,perry on ,sunday4 ,oh1 that ,i could learn to bridle my unlucky tongue6 ,,jan4 #ae1 #ahce4-,to-day ,i am twenty4 ,that sounds very old1 yet ,i feel pretty much as ,i did before4 ,i have begun to visit some of mother's poor folks with her1 and am astonished to see how they love her1 how plainly they let her talk to them4 ,as a general rule1 ,i do not think poor people are very interesting1 and they are always ungrateful4 ,we went first to see old ,jacob ,stone4 ,i have been there a good many times with the baskets of nice things mother takes such comfort in sending him1 but never would go in4 ,i was shocked to see how worn away he was4 ,he seemed in great distress of mind1 and begged mother to pray with him4 ,i do not see how she could4 ,i am perfectly sure that no earthly power could ever induce me to go round praying on bare floors1 with people sitting1 rocking and staring all the time1 as the two ,stone girls stared at mother4 ,how tenderly she prayed for him6 ,we then went to see ,susan ,green4 ,she had made a carpet for her room by sewing together little bits of pieces given her1 ,i suppose1 by persons for whom she works1 for she goes about fitting and making carpets4 ,it looked bright and cheerful4 ,she had a nice bed in the corner1 covered with a white quilt1 and some little ornaments were arranged about the room4 ,mother complimented her on her neatness1 and said a queen might sleep in such a bed as that1 and hoped she found it as comfortable as it looked4 ,mercy on us6 she cried out1 it ain't to sleep in6 ,i sleep up in the loft1 that ,i climb to by a ladder every night4 ,mother looked a little amused1 and then she sat and listened1 patiently1 to a long account of how the poor old thing had invested her money2 how ,mr4 ,jones did not pay the interest regularly1 and how ,mr4 ,stevens haggled about the percentage4 ,after we came away1 ,i asked mother how she could listen to such a rigmarole in patience1 and what good she supposed she had done by her visit4 ,why the poor creature likes to show off her bright carpet and nice bed1 her chairs1 her vases and her knick-knacks1 and she likes to talk about her beloved money1 and her bank stock4 ,i may not have done her any good2 but ,i have given her a pleasure1 and so have you4 ,why1 ,i hardly spoke a word4 ,yes1 but your mere presence gratified her4 ,and if she ever gets into trouble1 she will feel kindly towards us for the sake of our sympathy with her pleasures1 and will let us sympathize with her sorrows4 ,i confess this did not seem a privilege to be coveted4 ,she is not nice at all1 and takes snuff4 ,we went next to see ,bridget ,shannon4 ,mother had lost sight of her for some years1 and had just heard that she was sick and in great want4 ,we found her in bed2 there was no furniture in the room1 and three little half-naked children sat with their bare feet in some ashes where there had been a little fire4 ,three such disconsolate faces ,i never saw4 ,mother sent me to the nearest baker's for bread2 ,i ran nearly all the way1 and ,i hardly know which ,i enjoyed most1 mother's eagerness in distributing1 or the children's in clutching at and devouring it4 ,i am going to cut up one or two old dresses to make the poor things something to cover them4 ,one of them has lovely hair that would curl beautifully if it were only brushed out4 ,i told her to come to see me to-morrow1 she is so very pretty4 ,those few visits used up the very time ,i usually spend in drawing4 ,but on the whole ,i am glad ,i went with mother1 because it has gratified her4 ,besides1 one must either stop reading the ,bible altogether1 or else leave off spending one's whole time in just doing easy pleasant things one likes to do4 ,,jan4 #bj4-,the little ,shannon girl came1 and ,i washed her face and hands1 brushed out her hair and made it curl in lovely golden ringlets all round her sweet face1 and carried her in great triumph to mother4 ,look at the dear little thing1 mother6 ,i cried2 doesn't she look like a line of poetry8 ,you foolish1 romantic child6 quoth mother4 ,she looks1 to me1 like a very ordinary line of prose4 ,a slice of bread and butter and a piece of gingerbread mean more to her than these elaborate ringlets possibly can4 ,they get in her eyes1 and make her neck cold2 see1 they are dripping with water1 and the child is all in a shiver4 ,so saying1 mother folded a towel round its neck1 to catch the falling drops1 and went for bread and butter1 of which the child consumed a quantity that1 was absolutely appalling4 ,to crown all1 the ungrateful little thing would not so much as look at me from that moment1 but clung to mother1 turning its back upon me in supreme contempt4 ,moral4-,mothers occasionally know more than their daughters do4 ,chapter #f ,,vi4 ,,january #bd4 ,a ,message came yesterday morning from ,susan ,green to the effect that she had had a dreadful fall1 and was half killed4 ,mother wanted to set off at once to see her1 but ,i would not let her go1 as she has one of her worst colds4 ,she then asked me to go in her place4 ,i turned up my nose at the bare thought1 though ,i dare say it turns up enough on its own account4 ,oh1 mother6 ,i said1 reproachfully that dirty old woman6 ,mother made no answer1 and ,i sat down at the piano1 and played a little4 ,but ,i only played discords4 ,do you think it is my duty to run after such horrid old women8 ,i asked mother1 at last4 ,i think1 dear1 you must make your own duties1 she said kindly4 ,i dare say that at your age ,i should have made a great deal out of my personal repugnance to such a woman as ,susan1 and very little out of her sufferings4 ,i believe ,i am the most fastidious creature in the world4 ,sick-rooms with their intolerable smells of camphor1 and vinegar and mustard1 their gloom and their whines and their groans1 actually make me shudder4 ,but was it not just such fastidiousness that made ,cha-no1 ,i won't utter his name----that made somebody weary of my possibilities8 ,and has that terrible lesson really done me no good8 ,,jan4 #bf4-,no sooner had ,i written the above than ,i scrambled into my cloak and bonnet1 and flew1 on the wings of holy indignation1 to ,susan ,green4 ,such wings fly fast1 and got me a little out of breath4 ,i found her lying on that nice white bed of hers1 in a frilled cap and night-gown4 ,it seems she fell from her ladder in climbing to the dismal den where she sleeps1 and lay all night in great distress with some serious internal injury4 ,i found her groaning and complaining in a fearful way4 ,are you in such pain8 ,i asked1 as kindly as ,i could4 ,it isn't the pain1 she said1 it isn't the pain4 ,it's the way my nice bed is going to wreck and ruin1 and the starch all getting out of my frills that ,i fluted with my own hands4 ,and the doctor's bill1 and the medicines2 oh1 dear1 dear1 dear6 ,just then the doctor came in4 ,after examining her1 he said to a woman who seemed to have charge of her3 ,are you the nurse8 ,oh1 no1 ,i only stepped in to see what ,i could do for her4 ,who is to be with her to-night1 then8 ,nobody knew4 ,i will send a nurse1 then1 he said4 ,but some one else will be needed also1 he added1 looking at me4 ,i will stay1 ,i said4 ,but my heart died within me4 ,the doctor took me aside4 ,her injuries are very serious1 he said4 ,if she has any friends1 they ought to be sent for4 ,you don't mean that she is going to die8 ,i asked4 ,i fear she is4 ,but not immediately4 ,he took leave1 and ,i went back to the bedside4 ,i saw there no longer a snuffy1 repulsive old woman1 but a human being about to make that mysterious journey a far country whence there is no return4 ,oh1 how ,i wished mother were there6 ,susan1 ,i said1 have you any relatives8 ,no1 ,i haven't1 she answered sharply4 ,and if ,i had they needn't come prowling around me4 ,i don't want no relations about my body4 ,would you like to see ,dr4 ,cabot8 ,what should ,i want of ,dr4 ,cabot8 ,don't tease1 child4 ,considering the deference with which she had heretofore treated me1 this was quite a new order of things4 ,i sat down and tried to pray for her1 silently1 in my heart4 ,who was to go with her on that long journey1 and where was it to end8 ,the woman who had been caring for her now went away1 and it was growing dark4 ,i sat still listening to my own heart1 which beat till it half choked me4 ,what were you and the doctor whispering about8 she suddenly burst out4 ,he asked me1 for one thing1 if you had any friends that could be sent for4 ,i've been my own best friend1 she returned4 ,who'd have raked and scraped and hoarded and counted for ,susan ,green if ,i hadn't ha' done it8 ,i've got enough to make me comfortable as long as ,i live1 and when ,i lie on my dying bed4 ,but you can't carry it with you1 ,i said4 ,this highly original remark was all ,i had courage to utter4 ,i wish ,i could1 she cried4 ,i suppose you think ,i talk awful4 ,they say you are getting most to be as much of a saint as your ma4 ,it's born in some1 and in some it ain't4 ,do get a light4 ,it's lonesome here in the dark1 and cold4 ,i was thankful enough to enliven the dark room with light and fire4 ,but ,i saw now that the thin1 yellow1 hard face had changed sadly4 ,she fixed her two little black eyes on me1 evidently startled by the expression of my face4 ,look here1 child1 ,i ain't hurt to speak of1 am ,i8 ,the doctor says you are hurt seriously4 ,my tone must have said more than my words did for she caught me by the wrist and held me fast4 ,he didn't say nothing about my-about it being dangerous8 ,i ain't dangerous1 am ,i8 ,i felt ready to sink4 ,oh ,susan6 ,i gasped out2 you haven't any time to lose4 ,you're going1 you're going6 ,going6 she cried2 going where8 ,you don't mean to say ,i'm a-dying8 ,why1 it beats all my calculations4 ,i was going to live ever so years1 and save up ever so much money1 and when my time come1 ,i was going to put on my best fluted night-gown and night-cap1 and lay my head on my handsome pillow1 and draw the clothes up over me1 neat and tidy1 and die decent4 ,but here's my bed all in a toss1 and my frills all in a crumple and my room all upside down1 and bottles of medicine setting around alongside of my vases1 and nobody here but you1 just a girl1 and nothing else6 ,all this came out by jerks1 as it were1 and at intervals4 ,don't talk so6 ,i fairly screamed4 ,pray1 pray to ,god to have mercy on you6 ,she looked at me1 bewildered1 but yet as if the truth had reached her at last4 ,pray yourself6 she said1 eagerly4 ,i don't know how4 ,i can't think4 ,oh1 my time's come my time's come6 ,and ,i ain't ready6 ,i ain't ready6 ,get down on your knees and pray with all your1 might and main4 ,and ,i did2 she holding my wrist tightly in hard hand4 ,all at once ,i felt her hold relax4 ,after that the next thing ,i knew ,i was lying on the floor and somebody was dashing water in my face4 ,it was the nurse4 ,she had come at last1 and found me by the side of the bed1 where ,i had fallen1 and had been trying to revive me ever since4 ,i started up and looked about me4 ,the nurse was closing ,susan's eyes in a professional way1 and performing other little services of the sort4 ,the room wore an air of perfect desolation4 ,the clothes ,susan had on when she fell lay in a forlorn heap on a chair2 her shoes and stockings were thrown hither and thither2 the mahogany bureau1 in which she had taken so much pride1 was covered with vials1 to make room for which some pretty trifles had been hastily thrust aside4 ,i remembered what ,i had once said to ,mrs4 ,cabot about having tasteful things about me1 with a sort of shudder4 ,what a mockery they are in the awful presence of death6 ,mother met me with open arms when ,i reached home4 ,she was much shocked at what ,i had to tell1 and at my having encountered such a scene alone ,i should have felt myself quite a heroine under her caresses if ,i had not been overcome with bitter regret that ,i had not1 with firmness and dignity turned poor ,susan's last thoughts to her ,saviour4 ,oh1 how could ,i1 through miserable cowardice1 let those precious moments slip by6 ,feb #bg4-;,i have learned one thing by yesterday's experience that is worth knowing4 ,it is this3 duty looks more repelling at a distance than when fairly faced and met4 ,of course ,i have read the lines1 ,nor know we anything so fair ,as is the smile upon thy face2 but ,i seem to be one of the stupid sort1 who never apprehend a thing till they experience it4 ,now1 however1 ,i have seen the smile1 and find it so fair1 that ,i shall gladly plod through many a hardship and trial to meet it again4 ,poor ,susan6 ,perhaps ,god heard my prayer for her soul1 and revealed ,himself to her at the very last moment4 ,march #b4-,such a strange thing has happened6 ,susan ,green left a will1 bequeathing her precious savings to whoever offered the last prayer in her hearing6 ,i do not want1 ,i never could touch a penny of that hardly-earned store2 and if ,i did1 no earthly motive would tempt me to tell a human being1 that it was offered by me1 an inexperienced1 trembling girl1 driven to it by mere desperation6 ,so it has gone to ,dr4 ,cabot1 who will not use it for himself1 ,i am sure1 but will be delighted to have it to give to poor people1 who really besiege him4 ,the last time he called to see her he talked and prayed with her1 and says she seemed pleased and grateful1 and promised to be more regular at church1 which she had been1 ever since4 ,march #bh4-;,i feel all out of sorts4 ,mother says it is owing to the strain ,i went through at ,susan's dying bed4 ,she wants me to go to visit my aunt ,mary1 who is always urging me to come4 ,but ,i do not like to leave my little ,sunday scholars1 nor to give mother the occasion to deny herself in order to meet the expense of such a long journey4 ,besides1 ,i should have to have some new dresses1 a new bonnet1 and lots of things4 ,to-day ,dr4 ,cabot has sent me some directions for which ,i have been begging him a long time4 ,lest ,i should wear out this precious letter by reading it over1 ,i will copy it here4 ,after alluding to my complaint that ,i still saw men as trees walking1 he says3 ,yet he who first uttered this complaint had had his eyes opened by the ,son of ,god1 and so have you4 ,now ,he never leaves ,his work incomplete1 and ,he will gradually lead you into clear and open vision1 if you will allow ,him to do it4 ,i say gradually1 because ,i believe this to be ,his usual method1 while ,i do not deny that there are cases where light suddenly bursts in like a flood4 ,to return to the blind man4 ,when ,jesus found that his cure was not complete1 ,he put ,his hands again upon his eyes1 and made him look up2 and he was restored1 and saw every man clearly4 ,now this must be done for you2 and in order to have it done you must go to ,christ ,himself1 not to one of ,his servants4 ,make your complaint1 tell ,him how obscure everything still looks to you1 and beg ,him to complete your cure ,he may see fit to try your faith and patience by delaying this completion2 but meanwhile you are safe in ,his presence1 and while led by ,his hand2 ,he will excuse the mistakes you make1 and pity your falls4 ,but you will imagine that it is best that ,he should at once enable you to see clearly4 ,if it is1 you may be sure ,he will do it4 ,he never makes mistakes4 ,but ,he often deals far differently with ,his disciples4 ,he lets them grope their way in the dark until they fully learn how blind they are1 how helpless1 how absolutely in need of ,him4 ,what ,his methods will be with you ,i cannot foretell4 ,but you may be sure that ,he never works in an arbitrary way4 ,he has a reason for everything ,he does4 ,you may not understand why ,he leads you now in this way and now in that1 but you may1 nay1 you must believe that perfection is stamped on ,his every act4 ,i am afraid that you are in danger of falling into an error only too common among young ,christians4 ,you acknowledge that there has been enmity to towards ,god in your secret soul1 and that one of the first steps towards peace is to become reconciled to ,him and to have your sins forgiven for ,christ's sake4 ,this done1 you settle down with the feeling that the great work of life is done1 and that your salvation is sure4 ,or1 if not sure1 that your whole business is to study your own case to see whether you are really in a state of grace4 ,many persons never get beyond this point4 ,they spend their whole time in asking the question3 ',do ,i love the ,lord or no8 ,am ,i ,his or am ,i not8' ,i beg you1 my dear child1 if you are doing this aimless1 useless work1 to stop short at once4 ,life is too precious to spend in a tread-mill44 ,having been pardoned by your ,god and ,saviour1 the next thing you have to do is to show your gratitude for this infinite favor by consecrating yourself entirely to ,him1 body1 soul1 and spirit4 ,this is the least you can do4 ,he has bought you with a price1 and you are no longer your own4 ',but1' you may reply1 'this is contrary to my nature4 ,i love my own way4 ,i desire ease and pleasure2 ,i desire to go to heaven1 to be carried thither on a bed of flowers4 ,can ,i not give myself so far to ,god as to feel a sweet sense of peace with ,him1 and be sure of final salvation1 and yet1 to a certain extent1 indulge and gratify myself8 ,if ,i give myself entirely away in ,him and lose all ownership in myself1 ,he may deny me many things ,i greatly desire4 ,he may make my life hard and wearisome1 depriving me of all that now makes it agreeable4' ,but1 ,i reply1 this is no matter of parley and discussion2 it is not optional with ,god's children whether they will pay ,him a part of the price they owe ,him1 and keep back the rest4 ,he asks1 and ,he has a right to ask1 for all you have and all you are4 ,and if you shrink from what is involved in such a surrender1 you should fly to ,him at once and never rest till ,he has conquered this secret disinclination to give to ,him as freely and as fully as ,he has given to you4 ,it is true that such an act of consecration on your part may involve no little future discipline and correction4 ,as soon as you become the ,lord's by your own deliberate and conscious act1 ,he will begin that process of sanctification which is to make you holy as ,he is holy1 perfect as ,he is perfect4 ,he becomes at once1 your physician as well as your dearest and best ,friend1 but ,he will use no painful remedy that can be avoided4 ,remember that it is ,his will that you should be sanctified1 and that the work of making you holy is ,his1 not yours4 ,at the same time you are not to sit with folded hands1 waiting for this blessing4 ,you are to avoid laying hindrances in ,his way1 and you are to exercise faith in ,him as just as able and just as willing to give you sanctification as ,he was to give you redemption4 ,and now if you ask how you may know that you have truly consecrated yourself to ,him1 ,i reply1 observe every indication of ,his will concerning you1 no matter how trivial1 and see whether you at once close in with that will4 ,lay down this principle as a law--,god does nothing arbitrary4 ,if ,he takes away your health1 for instance1 it is because ,he has some reason for doing so2 and this is true of everything you value2 and if you have real faith in ,him you will not insist on knowing this reason4 ,if you find1 in the course of daily events1 that your self-consecration was not perfect-that is1 that your will revolts at ,his will-do not be discouraged1 but fly to your ,saviour and stay in ,his presence till you obtain the spirit in which ,he cried in ,his hour of anguish1 ',father1 if ,thou be willing1 remove this cup from me3 nevertheless1 not my will but ,thine be done4' ,every time you do this it will be easier to do it2 every such consent to suffer will bring you nearer and nearer to ,him2 and in this nearness to ,him you will find such peace1 such blessed1 sweet peace1 as will make your life infinitely happy1 no matter what may be its mere outside conditions4 ,just think1 my dear ,katy1 of the honor and the joy of having your will one with the ,divine will1 and so becoming changed into ,christ's image from glory to glory6 ,but ,i cannot say1 in a letter1 the tithe of what ,i want to say4 ,listen to my sermons from week to week and glean from them all the instruction you can1 remembering that they are preached to you4 ,in reading the ,bible ,i advise you to choose detached passages1 or even one verse a day1 rather whole chapters4 ,study every word1 ponder and pray over it till you have got out of it all the truth it contains4 ,as to the other devotional reading1 it is better to settle down on a few favorite authors1 and read their works over and over and over until you have digested their thoughts and made them your own4 ,it has been said 'that a fixed1 inflexible will is a great assistance in a holy life4' ,you can will to choose for your associates those who are most devout and holy4 ,you can will to read books that will stimulate you in your ,christian life1 rather than those that merely amuse4 ,you can will to use every means of grace appointed by ,god4 ,you can will to spend much time in prayer1 without regard to your frame at the moment4 ,you can will to prefer a religion of principle to one of mere feeling2 in other1 words1 to obey the will of ,god when no comfortable glow of emotion accompanies your obedience4 ,you cannot will to possess the spirit of ,christ2 that must come as ,his gift2 but you can choose to study ,his life1 and to imitate it4 ,this will infallibly lead to such self-denying work as visiting the poor1 nursing the sick1 giving of your time and money to the needy1 and the like4 ,if the thought of such self-denial is repugnant to you1 remember that it is enough for the disciple to be as his ,lord4 ,and let me assure you that as you penetrate the labyrinth of life in pursuit of ,christian duty1 you will often be surprised and charmed by meeting your ,master ,himself amid its windings and turnings1 and receive ,his soul-inspiring smile4 ,or1 ,i should rather say1 you will always meet ,him wherever you go4 ,i have read this letter again and again4 ,it has taken such hold of me that ,i can think of nothing else4 ,the idea of seeking holiness had never so much as crossed my mind4 ,and even now it seems like presumption for such a one as ,i to utter so sacred a word4 ,and ,i shrink from committing myself to such a pursuit1 lest after a time ,i should fall back into the old routine4 ,and ,i have an undefined1 wicked dread of being singular1 as well as a certain terror of self-denial and loss of all liberty4 ,but no choice seems left to me4 ,now that my duty has been clearly pointed out to me1 ,i do not stand where ,i did before4 ,and ,i feel1 mingled with my indolence and love of ease and pleasure1 some drawings towards a higher and better life4 ,there is one thing ,i can do1 and that is to pray that ,jesus would do for me what ,he did for the blind man-put ,his hands yet again upon my eyes and make me to see clearly4 ,and ,i will4 ,,march1 #cj4-,yes1 ,i have prayed1 and ,he has heard me4 ,i see that ,i have no right to live for myself1 and that ,i must live for ,him4 ,i have given myself to ,him as ,i never did before1 and have entered1 as it were1 a new world4 ,i was very happy when ,i began to believe in ,his love for me1 and that ,he had redeemed me4 ,but this new happiness is deeper2 it involves something higher than getting to heaven at last1 which has1 hitherto1 been my great aim4 ,march #ca4-,the more ,i pray1 and the more ,i read the ,bible1 the more ,i feel my ignorance4 ,and the more earnestly ,i desire holiness1 the more utterly unholy ,i see myself to be4 ,but ,i have pledged myself to the ,lord1 and ,i must pay my vows1 cost what it may4 ,i have begun to read ,taylor's ,holy ,living and ,dying4 ,a month ago ,i should have found it a tedious1 dry book4 ,but ,i am reading it with a sort of avidity1 like one seeking after hid treasure4 ,mother1 observing what ,i was doing1 advised me to read it straight through1 but to mingle a passage now and then with chapters from other books4 ,she suggested my beginning on ,baxter's ,saints' ,rest1 and of that ,i have read every word4 ,i shall read it over1 as ,dr4 ,cabot advised1 till ,i have fully caught its spirit4 ,even this one reading has taken away my lingering fear of death1 and made heaven awfully attractive4 ,i never mean to read worldly books again1 and my music and drawing ,i have given up forever4 ,chapter #g ,,vii4 ,mother asked me last evening to sing and play to her4 ,i was embarrassed to know how to excuse myself without telling her my real reason for declining4 ,but somehow she got it out of me4 ,one need not be fanatical in order to be religious1 she said4 ,is it fanatical to give up all for ,god8 ,i asked4 ,what is it to give up all8 she asked1 in reply4 ,why1 to deny one's self every gratification and indulgence in order to mortify one's natural inclinations1 and to live entirely for ,him4 ,god is then a hard ,master1 who allows his children no liberty1 she replied4 ,now let us see where this theory will lead you4 ,in the first place you must shut your eyes to all the beautiful things ,he has made4 ,you must shut your eyes to all the harmonies ,he has ordained4 ,you must shut your heart against all sweet human affections4 ,you have a body1 it is true1 and it may revolt at such bondage-- ,we are told to keep under the body1 ,i interrupted4 ,oh1 mother1 don't hinder me6 ,you know my love for music is a passion and that it is my snare and temptation4 ,and how can ,i spend my whole time in reading the ,bible and praying1 if ,i go on with my drawing8 ,it may do for other people to serve both ,god and ,mammon1 but not for me4 ,i must belong wholly to the world or wholly to ,christ4 ,mother said no more1 and ,i went on with my reading4 ,but somehow my book seemed to have lost its flavor4 ,besides1 it was time to retire for my evening devotions which ,i never put off now till the last thing at night1 as ,i used to do4 ,when ,i came down1 ,mother was lying on the sofa1 by which ,i knew she was not well4 ,i felt troubled that ,i had refused to sing to her4 ,think of the money she had spent on that part of my education6 ,i went to her and kissed her with a pang of terror4 ,what if she were going to be very sick1 and to die8 ,it is nothing1 darling1 she said1 nothing at all4 ,i am tired1 and felt a little faint4 ,i looked at her anxiously1 and the bare thought that she might die and leave me alone was so terrible that ,i could hardly help crying out4 ,and ,i saw1 as by a flash of lightning1 that if ,god took her from me1 ,i could not1 should not say3 ,thy will be done4 ,but she was better after taking a few drops of lavender1 and what color she has came back to her dear sweet face4 ,,april #ab4-;,dr4 ,cabot's letter has lost all its power over me4 ,a stone has more feeling than ,i4 ,i don't love to pray4 ,i am sick and tired of this dreadful struggle after holiness2 good books are all alike1 flat and meaningless4 ,but ,i must have something to absorb and carry me away1 and ,i have come back to my music and my drawing with new zest4 ,mother was right in warning me against giving them up4 ,maria ,kelley is teaching me to paint in oil-colors1 and says ,i have a natural gift for it4 ,,april #ac4-,mother asked me to go to church with her last evening1 and ,i said ,i did not want to go4 ,she looked surprised and troubled4 ,are you not well1 dear8 she asked4 ,i don't know4 ,yes4 ,i suppose ,i am4 ,but ,i could not be still at church five minutes4 ,i am nervous that ,i feel as if ,i should fly4 ,i see how it is1 she said2 you have forgotten that body of yours1 of which ,i reminded you1 and have been trying to live as if you were all soul and spirit4 ,you have been straining every nerve to acquire perfection1 whereas this is ,god's gift1 and one that ,he is willing to give you1 fully and freely4 ,i have done seeking for that or anything else that is good1 ,i said1 despondently4 ,and so ,i have gone back to my music and everything else4 ,here is just the rock upon which you split1 she returned4 ,you speak of going back to your music as if that implied going away from ,god4 ,you rush from one extreme to another4 ,the only true way to live in this world1 constituted just as we are1 is to make all our employments subserve the one great end and aim of existence1 namely1 to glorify ,god and to enjoy ,him forever4 ,but in order to do this we must be wise task-masters1 and not require of ourselves what we cannot possibly perform4 ,recreation we must have4 ,otherwise the strings of our soul1 wound up to an unnatural tension1 will break4 ,oh1 ,i do wish1 ,i cried1 that ,god had given us plain rules1 about which we could make no mistake6 ,i think ,his rules are plain1 she replied4 ,and some liberty of action ,he must leave us1 or we should become mere machines4 ,i think that those who love ,him1 and wait upon ,him day by day1 learn ,his will almost imperceptibly1 and need not go astray4 ,but1 mother1 music and drawing are sharp-edged tools in such hands as mine4 ,i cannot be moderate in my use of them4 ,and the more ,i delight in them1 the less ,i delight in ,god4 ,yes1 this is human nature4 ,but ,god's divine nature will supplant it1 if we only consent to let ,him work in us of ,his own good pleasure4 ,new ,york1 ,april #af4-;,after all1 mother has come off conqueror1 and here ,i am at ,aunty's4 ,after our quiet1 plain little home1 in our quiet little town1 this seems like a new world4 ,the house is large1 but is as full as it can hold4 ,aunty has six children her own1 and has adopted two4 ,she says she ways meant to imitate the old woman who lived in a shoe4 ,she reminds me of mother1 and yet she is very different2 full of fun and energy2 flying about the house as on wings1 with a kind1 bright word for everybody4 ,all her household affairs go on like clock-work2 the children are always nicely dressed2 nobody ever seems out of humor2 nobody is ever sick4 ,aunty is the central object round which every body revolves2 you can't forget her a moment1 she is always doing something for you1 and then her unflagging good humor and cheerfulness keep you good-humored and cheerful4 ,i don't wonder ,uncle ,alfred loves her so4 ,i hope ,i shall have just such a home4 ,i mean this is the sort of home ,i should like if ,i ever married1 which ,i never mean to do4 ,i should like to be just such a bright1 loving wife as ,aunty is2 to have my husband lean on me as ,uncle leans on her2 to have just as many children1 and to train them as wisely and kindly us she does hers4 ,then1 ,i should feel that ,i had not been born in vain1 but had a high and sacred mission on earth4 ,but as it is1 ,i must just pick up what scraps of usefulness ,i can1 and let the rest go4 ,,april #ah4-;,aunty says ,i sit writing and reading and thinking too much1 and wants me to go out more4 ,i tell her ,i don't feel strong enough to go out much4 ,she says that is all nonsense1 and drags me out4 ,i get tired1 and hungry1 and sleep like a baby a month old4 ,i see now mother's wisdom and kindness in making me leave home when ,i did4 ,i had veered about from point to point till ,i was nearly ill4 ,now ,aunty keeps me well by making me go out1 and dear ,dr4 ,cabot's precious letter can work a true and not a morbid work in my soul4 ,i am very happy4 ,i have delightful talks with ,aunty1 who sets me right at this point and at that2 and it is beautiful to watch her home-life and to see with what sweet unconsciousness she carries her religion into every detail4 ,i am sure it must do me good to be here2 and yet1 if ,i am growing better how slowly1 how slowly1 it is6 ,somebody has said that 'our course heavenward is like the plan of the zealous pilgrims of old1 who for every three steps forward1 took one backward4' ,,april #cj4-;,aunty's baby1 my dear father's namesake1 and hitherto the merriest little fellow ,i ever saw1 was taken sick last night1 very suddenly4 ,she sent for the doctor at once1 who would not say positively what was the matter1 but this morning pronounced it scarlet fever4 ,the three youngest have all come down with it to-day4 ,if they were my children1 ,i should be in a perfect worry and flurry4 ,indeed1 ,i am as it is4 ,but ,aunty is as bright and cheerful as ever4 ,she flies from one to another1 and keeps up their spirits with her own gayety4 ,i am mortified to find that at such a time as this ,i can think of myself1 and that ,i find it irksome to be shut up in sick-rooms1 instead of walking1 driving1 visiting1 and the like4 ,but1 as ,dr4 ,cabot says1 ,i can now choose to imitate my ,master1 who spent ,his whole life in doing good1 and ,i do hope1 too1 to be of some little use to ,aunty1 after her kindness to me4 ,,may #a4-,the doctor says the children are doing as well as1 could be expected4 ,he made a short visit this morning1 as it is ,sunday4 ,if ,i had ever seen him before ,i should say ,i had some unpleasant association with him4 ,i wonder ,aunty employs such a great clumsy man4 ,but she says he is good1 and very skillful4 ,i wish ,i did not take such violent likes and dislikes to people4 ,i want my religion to change me in every respect4 ,,may #b4-,oh1 ,i know now6 ,this is the very who was so rude at ,sunday-school1 and afterwards made such a nice address to the children4 ,well he may know how to speak in public1 but ,i am sure he doesn't in private4 ,i never knew such a shut-up man4 ,,may #d4-;,i have my hands as full as they can hold4 ,the children have got so fond of me1 and one or the other is in my lap nearly all the time4 ,i sing to them1 tell them stories1 build block-houses1 and relieve ,aunty all ,i can4 ,dull and poky as the doctor is1 ,i am not afraid of him1 for he never notices anything ,i say or do1 so while he is holding solemn consultations with ,aunty in one corner1 ,i can sing and talk all sorts of nonsense to my little pets in mine4 ,what fearful black eyes he has1 and what masses of black hair6 ,this busy life quite suits me1 now ,i have got used to it4 ,and it sweetens every bit of work to think that ,i am doing it in humble1 far-off1 yet real imitation of ,jesus4 ,i am indeed really and truly happy4 ,,may #ad4-;,it is now two weeks since little ,raymond was taken sick1 and ,i have lived in the nursery all the time1 though ,aunty has tried to make me go out4 ,little ,emma was taken down to-day1 though she has been kept on the third floor all the time ,i feel dreadfully myself4 ,but this hard1 cold doctor of ,aunty's is so taken up with the children that he never so much as looks at me4 ,i have been in a perfect shiver all day1 but these merciless little folks call for stories as eagerly as ever4 ,well1 let me be a comfort to them if ,i can6 ,i hate selfishness more and more1 and am shocked to see how selfish ,i have been4 ,,may #ae4-;,i was in a burning fever all night1 and my head ached1 and my throat was and is very sore4 ,if knew ,i was going to die ,i would burn up this journal first4 ,i would not have any one see it for the world4 ,,may #bd4-;,dr4 ,elliott asked me on ,sunday morning a week ago if ,i still felt well4 ,for answer ,i behaved like a goose1 and burst out crying4 ,aunty looked more anxious than ,i have seen her look yet1 and reproached herself for having allowed me to be with the children4 ,she took me by one elbow1 and the doctor by the other1 and they marched me off to my own room1 where ,i was put through the usual routine on such occasions1 and then ordered to bed4 ,i fell asleep immediately and slept all day4 ,the doctor came to see me in the evening1 and made a short1 stiff little visit1 gave me a powder1 and said thought ,i should soon be better4 ,i had two such visits from him the next day1 when ,i began to feel quite like myself again1 and in spite of his grave1 staid deportment1 could not help letting my good spirits run away with me in a style that evidently shocked him4 ,he says persons nursing scarlet fever often have such little attacks as mine2 indeed every one of the servants have had a sore throat and headache4 ,,may #be4-,this morning1 just as the doctor shuffled in on his big feet1 it came over me how ridiculously ,i must have looked the day ,i was taken sick1 being walked off between ,aunty and himself1 crying like a baby4 ,i burst out laughing1 and no consideration ,i could make to myself would stop me4 ,i pinched myself1 asked myself how ,i should feel if one of the children should die1 and used other kindred devices all to no purpose4 ,at last the doctor1 gravity personified as he is1 joined in1 though not knowing in the least what he was laughing at4 ,then he said1 ,after this1 ,i suppose1 ,i shall have to pronounce you convalescent4 ,oh1 no6 ,i cried4 ,i am very-sick indeed4 ,this looks like it1 to be sure6 said ,aunty4 ,i suppose this will be your last visit1 ,dr4 ,elliott1 ,i went on1 and ,i am glad of it4 ,after the way ,i behaved the day ,i was taken sick1 ,i have been ashamed to look you in the face4 ,but ,i really felt dreadfully4 ,he made no answer whatever4 ,i don't suppose he would speak a little flattering word by way of putting one in good humor with one's self for the whole world6 ,,june #a4-,we are all as well as ever1 but the doctor keeps some of the children still confined to the house for fear of bad consequences following the fever4 ,he visits them twice a day for the same reason1 or at least under that pretense1 but ,i really believe he comes because he has got the habit of coming1 and because he admires ,aunty so much4 ,she has a real affection for him1 and is continually asking me if ,i don't like this and that quality in him which ,i can't see at all4 ,we begin to drive out again4 ,the weather is1 very warm1 but ,i feel perfectly well4 ,,june #b4-;,after the children's dinner to-day ,i took care of them while their nurse got hers and ,aunty went to lie down1 as she is all tired out4 ,we were all full of life and fun1 and some of the little ones wanted me to play a play of their own invention1 which was to lie down on the floor1 cover my face with a handkerchief1 and make believe ,i was dead4 ,they were to gather about me1 and ,i was suddenly to come to life and jump up and try to catch them as they all ran scampering and screaming about4 ,we had played in this interesting way for some time1 and my hair1 which ,i keep in nice order nowadays1 was pulled down and flying every way2 when in marched the doctor4 ,i started up and came to life quickly enough when ,i heard his step1 looking red and angry1 no doubt4 ,i should think you might have knocked1 ,dr4 ,elliott1 ,i said1 with much displeasure4 ,i ask your pardon2 ,i knocked several times1 he returned4 ,i need hardly ask how my little patients are4 ,no1 ,i replied1 still ruffled1 and making desperate efforts to get my hair into some sort of order4 ,they are as well as possible4 ,i came a little earlier than usual to-day1 he went on1 because ,i am called to visit my uncle1 ,dr4 ,cabot1 who is in a very critical state of health4 ,dr4 ,cabot6 ,i repeated1 bursting into tears4 ,compose yourself1 ,i entreat1 he said2 ,i hope that ,i may be able to relieve him4 ,at all events-- ,at all events1 if you let him die it will break my heart1 ,i cried passionately4 ,don't wait another moment2 go this instant4 ,i cannot go this instant1 he replied4 ,the boat does not leave until four o'clock4 ,and if ,i may be allowed1 as a physician1 to say one word1 that my brief acquaintance hardly justifies1 ,i do wish to warn you that unless you acquire more self-control- ,oh1 ,i know that ,i have a quick temper1 and that ,i spoke very rudely to you just now1 ,i interrupted1 not a little startled by the seriousness of his manner4 ,i did not refer to your temper1 he said4 ,i meant your whole passionate nature4 ,your vehement loves and hates1 your ecstasies and your despondencies2 your disposition to throw yourself headlong into whatever interests you4 ,i would rather have too little self-control1 ,i retorted1 resentfully1 than to be as cold as a stone1 and as hard as a rock1 and as silent as the grave1 like some people ,i know4 ,his countenance fell2 he looked disappointed1 even pained4 ,i shall probably see your mother1 he said1 turning to go2 your aunt wishes me to call on her2 have you any message8 ,no1 ,i said4 ,another pained1 disappointed look made me begin to recollect myself4 ,i was sorry1 oh6 so sorry1 for my anger and rudeness4 ,i ran after him1 into the hall1 my eyes full of tears1 holding out both hands1 which he took in both his4 ,don't go until you have forgiven me for being so angry6 ,i cried4 ,indeed1 ,dr4 ,elliott1 though you not be able to believe it1 ,i am trying to do right all the time6 ,i do believe it1 he said earnestly4 ,then tell me that you forgive me6 ,if ,i once begin1 ,i shall be tempted to tell something else1 he said1 looking me through and through with those great dusky eyes4 ,and ,i will tell it1 he went on1 his grasp on my hands growing firmer-,it is easy to forgive when one loves4 ,i pulled my hands away1 and burst out crying again4 ,oh1 ,dr4 ,elliott this is dreadful6 ,i said4 ,you do not1 you cannot love me6 ,you are so much older than ,i am6 ,so grave and silent6 ,you are not in earnest8 ,i am only too much so1 he said1 and went quietly out4 ,i went back to the nursery4 ,the children rushed upon me1 and insisted that ,i should play die4 ,i let them pull me about as they pleased4 ,i only wished ,i could play it in earnest4 ,chapter #h ,,viii ,,june #bh4 ,,mother writes me that ,dr4 ,cabot is out of danger1 ,dr4 ,elliott having thrown new light on his case1 and performed some sort of an operation that relieved him at once4 ,i am going home4 ,nothing would tempt me to encounter those black eyes again4 ,besides1 the weather is growing warm1 and ,aunty is getting ready to go out of town with the children4 ,,june #bi4-;,aunty insisted on knowing why ,i was hurrying home so suddenly1 and at last got it out of me inch by inch4 ,on the whole it was a relief to have some one to speak to4 ,well6 she said1 and leaned back in her chair in a fit of musing4 ,is that all you are going to say1 ,aunty8 ,i ventured to ask at last4 ,no1 ,i have one more remark to add1 she said1 and it is this3 ,i don't know which of you has behaved most ridiculously4 ,it would relieve me to give you each a good shaking4 ,i think ,dr4 ,elliot has behaved ridiculously1 ,i said1 and he has made me most unhappy4 ,unhappy6 she repeated4 ,i don't wonder you are unhappy4 ,you have pained and wounded one of the noblest men that walks the earth4 ,it is not my fault4 ,i never tried to make him like me4 ,yes1 you did4 ,you were perfectly bewitching whenever he came here4 ,no mortal man could help being fascinated4 ,i knew this was not true1 and bitterly resented ,aunty's injustice4 ,if ,i wanted to 'fascinate' or 'bewitch' a man1 ,i cried1 ,i should not choose one old enough to be my father1 nor one who was as uninteresting1 awkward and stiff as ,dr4 ,elliott4 ,besides1 how should ,i know he was not married8 ,if ,i thought anything about it at all1 ,i certainly thought of him as a middle-aged man1 settled down with a wife1 long ago4 ,in the first place he is not old1 or even middle aged4 ,he is not more than twenty-seven or eight4 ,as to his being uninteresting1 perhaps he is to you1 who don't know him4 ,and if he were a married man1 what business had he to come here to see as he has done8 ,i did not know he came to see me2 he never spoke to me4 ,and ,i always said ,i would never marry a doctor4 ,we all say scores of things we live to repent1 she replied4 ,but ,i must own that the doctor acted quite out of character when he expected you to take a fancy to him on such short notice1 you romantic little thing4 ,of course knowing him as little as you do1 and only seeing him in sick-rooms1 you could not have done otherwise than as you did4 ,thank you1 ,aunty1 ,i said1 running and throwing my arms around her2 thank you with all my heart4 ,and now won't you take back what you said about my trying to fascinate him8 ,i suppose ,i must1 you dear child1 she said4 ,i was not half in earnest4 ,the truth is ,i am so fond of you both that the idea of your misunderstanding each other annoys me extremely4 ,why1 you were made for each other4 ,he would tone you down and keep you straight1 and you would stimulate him and keep him awake4 ,i don't want to be toned down or kept straight1 ,i remonstrated4 ,i hate prigs who keep their wives in leading-strings4 ,i do not mean to marry any one1 but if ,i should be left to such a piece of folly1 it must be to one who will take me for better for worse2 just as ,i am1 and not as a wild plant for him to prune till he has got it into a shape to suit him now1 ,aunty1 promise me one thing4 ,never mention ,dr4 ,elliott's name to me again4 ,i shall make no such promise1 she replied1 laughing4 ,i like him1 and ,i like to talk about him and the more you hate and despise him the more ,i shall love and admire him4 ,i only wish my ,lucy were old enough to be his wife1 and that he could fancy her2 but he never could6 ,on the contrary ,i should think that little model of propriety would just suit him1 ,i exclaimed4 ,don't make fun of ,lucy1 ,aunty said1 shaking her head4 ,she is a dear good child1 after all4 ,after all means this 7for what with my own observation1 and what ,aunty has told me1 ,lucy's portrait is easy to paint7 ,the child is the daughter of a man who died from a lingering illness caused by an accident4 ,she entered the family at a most inauspicious moment1 two days after this accident4 ,from the outset she comprehended the situation and took the ground that a character of irreproachable dignity and propriety became an infant coming at such a time4 ,she never cried1 never put improper objects into her mouth1 never bumped her head1 or scratched herself4 ,once put to bed at night1 you knew nothing more of her till such time next day as you found it convenient to attend to her4 ,if you forgot her existence1 as was not seldom the case under the circumstances1 she vegetated on1 unmoved4 ,it is possible that pangs of hunger sometimes assailed her1 and it is a fact that she teethed1 had the measles and the whooping-cough4 ,but these minute ripples on her infant life only showed the more clearly what a waveless1 placid little sea it was4 ,she got her teeth in the order laid down in ,dewees on ,children2 her measles came out on the appointed day like well-behaved measles as they were and retired decently and in order1 as measles should4 ,her whooping-cough had a well-bred1 methodical air1 and left her conqueror of the field4 ,as the child passed out of her babyhood1 she remained still her mother's appendage and glory2 a monument of pure white marble1 displaying to the human race one instance at least of perfect parental training4 ,those smooth1 round hands were always magically clean2 the dress immaculate and uncrumpled2 the hair dutifully shining and tidy4 ,she was a model child1 as she had been a model baby4 ,no slamming of doors1 no litter of carpets1 no pattering of noisy feet on the stairs1 no headless dolls1 no soiled or torn books indicated her presence4 ,her dolls were subject to a methodical training1 not unlike her own4 ,they rose1 they were dressed1 they took the air1 they retired for the night1 with clock-like regularity4 ,at the advanced age of eight1 she ceased occupying herself with such trifles1 and began a course of instructive reading4 ,her lessons were received in mute submission1 like medicine2 so many doses1 so many times a day4 ,an agreeable interlude of needlework was afforded1 and ,dorcas-like1 many were the garments that resulted for the poor4 ,give her the very eyes out of your head1 cut off your right hand for her if you choose1 but don't expect a gush of enthusiasm that would crumple your collar2 she would as soon strangle herself as run headlong to embrace you4 ,if she has any passions or emotions1 they are kept under2 but who asks for passion in blanc-mange1 or seeks emotion in a comfortable apple-pudding8 ,when her father had been dead a year1 her mother married a man with a large family of children and a very small purse4 ,lucy had a hard time of it1 especially as her step-father1 a quick1 impulsive man1 took a dislike to her4 ,aunty had no difficulty persuading them to give the child to her4 ,she took from the purest motives1 and it does seem as if she ought to have more reward than she gets4 ,she declares1 however1 that she has all the reward she could ask in the conviction that ,god accepts this attempt to please ,him4 ,lucy is now nearly fourteen2 very large of her age1 with a dead white skin1 pale blue eyes1 and a little light hair4 ,to hear her talk is most edifying4 ,her babies are all babes2 she never begins anything but commences it2 she never cries1 she weeps2 never gets up in the morning1 but rises4 ,but what am ,i writing all this for8 ,why1 to escape my own thoughts1 which are anything but agreeable companions1 and to put off answering the question which must be answered1 ,have ,i really made a mistake in refusing ,dr4 ,elliott8 ,could ,i not1 in time1 have come to love a man who has so honored me8 ,,july #e4-;,here ,i am again1 safely at home1 and very pleasant it seems to be with dear mother again4 ,i have told her about ,dr4 ,e4 ,she says very little about it one way or the other4 ,,july #aj4-,mother sees that ,i am restless and out of sorts4 ,what is it1 dear8 she asked1 this morning4 ,has ,dr4 ,elliott anything to do with the unsettled state you are in8 ,why1 no1 mother1 ,i answered4 ,my going away has broken up all my habits2 that's all4 ,still if ,i knew ,dr4 ,elliott did not care much1 and was beginning to forget it1 ,i dare say ,i should feel better4 ,if you were perfectly sure that you could never return his affection1 she said1 you were quite right in telling him so at once2 ,but if you had any misgivings on the subject1 it would have been better to wait1 and to ask ,god to direct you4 ,yes1 it would4 ,but at the moment ,i had no misgivings4 ,in my usual headlong style ,i settled one of the most weighty questions of my life1 without reflection1 without so much as one silent appeal to ,god1 to tell me how to act4 ,and now ,i have forever repelled1 and thrown away a heart that truly loved me4 ,he will go his way and ,i shall go mine4 ,he never will know1 what ,i am only just beginning to know myself1 that ,i yearn after his love with unutterable yearning4 ,i am not going to sit down in sentimental despondency to weep over this irreparable past4 ,no human being could forgive such folly as mine2 but ,god can4 ,in my sorrowfulness and loneliness ,i fly to ,him1 and find1 what is better than earthly felicity1 the sweetest peace4 ,he allowed me to bring upon myself1 in one hasty moment1 a shadow out of which ,i shall not soon pass1 but ,he pities and ,he forgives me1 and ,i have had many precious moments when ,i could say sincerely and joyfully1 ,whom have ,i in heaven but ,thee1 and there is none upon earth that ,i desire besides ,thee4 ,with a character still so undisciplined as mine1 ,i seriously doubt whether ,i could have made him who has honored me with his unmerited affection4 ,sometimes ,i think ,i am as impetuous and as quick-tempered as ever2 ,i get angry with dear mother1 and with ,james even1 if they oppose me2 how unfit1 then1 ,i am to become the mistress of a household and the wife of a good a man6 ,how came he to love me8 ,i cannot1 cannot imagine6 ,august #ca4-,the last day of the very happiest summer ,i ever spent4 ,if ,i had only been willing to believe the testimony of others ,i might have been just as happy long ago4 ,but ,i wanted to have all there was in ,god and all there was in the world1 at once1 and there was a constant1 painful struggle between the two4 ,i hope that struggle is now over4 ,i deliberately choose and prefer ,god4 ,i have found a sweet peace in trying to please ,him such as ,i never conceived of4 ,i would not change it for all the best things this world can give4 ,but ,i have a great deal to learn4 ,i am like a little child who cannot run to get what he wants1 but approaches it step by step1 slowly1 timidly-and yet approaches it4 ,i am amazed at the patience of my blessed ,master and ,teacher1 but how ,i love ,his school6 ,september4-,this1 too1 has been a delightful month in a certain sense4 ,amelia's marriage1 at which ,i had to be present1 upset me a little1 but it was but a little ruffle on a deep sea of peace4 ,i saw ,dr4 ,cabot to-day4 ,he is quite well again1 and speaks of ,dr4 ,elliott's skill with rapture4 ,he asked about my ,sunday scholars and my poor folks1 etc41 and ,i could not help letting out a little of the new joy that has taken possession of me4 ,this is as it should be1 he said4 ,i should be sorry to see a person of your temperament enthusiastic in everything save religion4 ,do not be discouraged if you still have some ups and downs4 ',he that is down need fear no fall'2 but you are away up on the heights1 and may have one1 now and then4 ,this made me a little uncomfortable4 ,i don't want any falls4 ,i want to go on to perfection4 ,,oct4 #a4-,laura ,cabot came to see me to-day1 and seemed very affectionate4 ,i hope we may see more of each other than we have done1 she began4 ,my father wishes it1 and so do ,i4 ,katy1 mentally4-,ah6 ,he sees how unworldly1 how devoted ,i am1 and so wants ,laura under my influence4 ,katy1 aloud4-,i am sure that is very kind4 ,laura4-,not at all4 ,he knows it will be profitable to me to be with you4 ,i get a good deal discouraged at times1 and want a friend to strengthen and help me4 ,katy1 to herself4-,yes1 yes1 he thinks me quite experienced and trustworthy4 ,katy1 aloud4-,i shall never dare to try to help you4 ,laura4-,oh1 yes1 you must4 ,i am so far behind you in ,christian experience4 ,but ,i am ashamed to write down any more4 ,after she had gone ,i felt delightfully puffed up for a while4 ,but when ,i came up to my room this evening1 and knelt down to pray1 everything looked dark and chaotic4 ,god seemed far away1 and ,i took no pleasure in speaking to ,him4 ,i felt sure that ,i had done something or felt something wrong1 and asked ,him to show me what it was4 ,there then flashed into my mind the remembrance of the vain1 conceited thoughts ,i had had during ,laura's visit and ever since4 ,how perfectly contemptible6 ,i have had a fall indeed6 ,i think now my first mistake was in telling ,dr4 ,cabot my secret1 sacred joys1 as if some merit of mine had earned them for me4 ,that gave ,satan a fine chance to triumph over me6 ,after this ,i am determined to maintain the utmost reserve in respect to my religious experiences4 ,nothing is gained by running to tell them1 and much is lost4 ,i feel depressed and comfortless4 ,chapter #i ,,ix4 ,,oct4 #aj4 ,,we have very sad news from ,aunty4 ,she says my ,uncle is quite broken down with some obscure disease that has been creeping stealthily along for months4 ,all his physicians agree that he must give up his business and try the effect of a year's rest4 ,dr4 ,elliott proposes his going to ,europe1 which seems to me about as formidable as going to the next world4 ,aunty makes the best she can of it1 but she says the thought of being separated from ,uncle a whole year is dreadful4 ,i pray for her day and night1 that this wild project may be given up4 ,why1 he would be on the ocean ever so many weeks1 exposed to all the discomforts of narrow quarters and poor food1 and that just as winter is drawing nigh6 ,,oct4 #ab4-;,aunty writes that the voyage to ,europe has been decided on1 and that ,dr4 ,elliott is to accompany ,uncle1 travel with him1 amuse him1 and bring him home a well man4 ,i hope ,dr4 ,e4's power to amuse may exist somewhere1 but must own it was in a most latent form when ,i had the pleasure of knowing him4 ,poor ,aunty6 ,how much better it would be for her to go with ,uncle6 ,there are the children1 to be sure4 ,well1 ,i hope ,uncle may be the better for this great undertaking1 but ,i don't like the idea of it4 ,,oct4 #ae4-;,another letter from ,aunty1 and new plans6 ,the ,dr4 is to stay at home1 ,aunty is to go with ,uncle1 and we-mother and myself-are to take possession of the house and children during their absence6 ,in other words1 all this is to be if we say amen4 ,could anything be more frightful8 ,to refuse would be selfish and cruel4 ,if we consent ,i thrust myself under ,dr4 ,elliott's very nose4 ,,oct4 #af4-,mother is surprised that ,i can hesitate one instant4 ,she seems to have forgotten all about ,dr4 ,e4 ,she says we can easily find a family to take this house for a year1 and that she is delighted to do anything for ,aunty that can be done4 ,nov4 #d4-;,here we are1 the whole thing settled4 ,uncle and ,aunty started a week ago1 and we are monarchs of all we survey1 and this is a great deal4 ,i am determined that mother shall not be worn out with these children1 although of course ,i could not manage them without her advice and help4 ,it is to be hoped they won't all have the measles in a body1 or anything of that sort2 ,i am sure it would be annoying to ,dr4 ,e4 to come here now4 ,nov4 #be4-,of course the baby must go on teething if only to have the doctor sent for to lance his gums4 ,i told mother ,i was sure ,i could not be present when this was being done1 so1 though she looked surprised1 and said people should accustom themselves to such things1 she volunteered to hold baby herself4 ,nov4 #bf4-,the baby was afraid of mother1 not being used to her1 so she sent for me4 ,as ,i entered the room she gave him to me with an apology for doing so1 since ,i shrank from witnessing the operation4 ,what must ,dr4 ,e4 think ,i am made of if ,i can't bear to see a child's gums lanced8 ,however1 it is my own fault that he thinks me such a coward1 for ,i made mother think me one4 ,it was very embarrassing to hold baby and have the doctor's face so close to mine4 ,i really wonder mother should not see how awkwardly ,i am situated here4 ,nov4 #bg4-,we have a good many visitors1 friends of ,uncle and ,aunty4 ,how uninteresting most people are6 ,they all say the same thing1 namely1 how strange that ,aunty had courage to undertake such a voyage1 and to leave her children1 etc41 etc41 etc41 and what was ,dr4 ,elliott thinking of to let them go1 etc1 etc41 etc4 ,dr4 ,embury called to-day1 with a pretty little fresh creature1 his new wife1 who hangs on his arm like a work-bag4 ,he is ,dr4 ,elliott's intimate friend1 and spoke of him very warmly1 and so did his wife1 who says she has known him always1 as they were born and brought up in the same village4 ,i wonder he did not marry her himself1 instead of leaving her for ,dr4 ,embury6 ,she says he1 ,dr4 ,elliott1 ,i mean1 was the most devoted son she ever saw1 and that he deserves his present success because he has made such sacrifices for his parents4 ,i never met any one whom ,i liked so well on so short acquaintance--,i mean ,mrs4 ,embury1 though you might fancy1 you poor deluded journal you1 that ,i meant somebody else4 ,nov4 #cj4-;,i have so much to do that ,i have little time for writing4 ,the way the children wear out their shoes and stockings1 the speed with which their hair grows1 the way they bump their heads and pinch their fingers1 and the insatiable demand for stories1 is something next to miraculous4 ,not a day passes that somebody doesn't need something bought2 that somebody else doesn't choke itself1 and that ,i don't have to tell stories till ,i feel my intellect reduced to the size of a pea4 ,if ever ,i was alive and wide awake1 however1 it is just now1 and in spite of some vague shadows of1 ,i don't know what1 ,i am very happy indeed4 ,so is dear mother4 ,she and the doctor have become bosom friends4 ,he keeps her making beef-tea1 scraping lint1 and boiling calves feet for jelly1 till the house smells like an hospital4 ,i suppose he thinks me a poor1 selfish1 frivolous girl1 whom nothing would tempt to raise a finger for his invalids4 ,but1 of course1 ,i do not care what he thinks4 ,dec4 #d4-;,dr4 ,elliott came this morning to ask mother to go with him to see a child who had met with a horrible accident4 ,she turned pale1 and pressed her lips together1 but went at once to get ready4 ,then my long-suppressed wrath burst out4 ,how can you ask poor mother to go and see such sights8 ,i cried4 ,you must think her nothing but a stone1 if you suppose that after the way in which my father died- ,it was indeed most thoughtless in me1 he interrupted2 but your mother is such a rare woman1 so decided and self-controlled1 yet so gentle1 so full of tender sympathy1 that ,i hardly know where to look for just the help ,i need to-day4 ,if you could see this poor child1 even you would justify me4 ,even you6 you monster of selfishness1 heart of stone1 floating bubble1 even you would justify it6 ,how cruel1 how unjust1 how unforgiving he is6 ,i rushed out of the room1 and cried until ,i was tired4 ,,dec4 #f4-,mother says she feels really grateful to ,dr4 ,e4 for taking her to see that child1 and to help soothe and comfort it while he went through with a severe1 painful operation which she would not describe1 because she fancied ,i looked pale4 ,i said ,i should think the child's mother the most proper person to soothe it on such an occasion4 ,the poor thing has no mother1 she said1 reproachfully4 ,what has got into you1 ,kate8 ,you do not seem at all like yourself4 ,i should think you had enough to do with this great house to keep in order1 so many mouths to fill1 and so many servants to oversee1 without wearing yourself out with nursing all ,dr4 ,elliott's poor folks1 ,i said1 gloomily4 ,the more ,i have to do the happier ,i am1 she replied4 ,dear ,katy1 the old wound isn't healed yet1 and ,i like to be with those who have wounds and bruises of their own4 ,and ,dr4 ,elliott seems to have divined this by instinct4 ,i ran and kissed her dear1 pale face1 which grows more beautiful every day4 ,no wonder she misses father so6 ,he loved and honored her beyond description1 and never forgot one of those little courtesies which must have a great deal to do with a wife's happiness4 ,people said of him that he was a gentleman of the old school1 and that race is dying out4 ,i feel a good deal out of sorts myself4 ,oh1 ,i do so wish to get above myself and all my childish1 petty ways1 and to live in a region where there is no temptation and no sin6 ,,dec4 #bb4-;,i have been to see ,mrs4 ,embury to-day4 ,she did not receive me as cordially as usual1 and ,i very soon resolved to come away4 ,she detained me1 however4 ,would you mind my speaking to you on a certain subject8 she asked1 with some embarrassment4 ,i felt myself flush up4 ,i do not want to meddle with affairs that don't concern me1 she went on1 but ,dr4 ,elliott and ,i have been intimate friends all our lives4 ,and his disappointment has really distressed me4 ,one of my moods came on1 and ,i couldn't speak a word4 ,you are not at all the sort of a girl ,i supposed he would fancy1 she continued4 ,he always has said he was waiting to find some one just like his mother1 and she is one of the gentlest1 meekest1 sweetest1 and fairest among women4 ,you ought to rejoice then that he has escaped the snare1 ,i said1 in a husky voice1 and is free to marry his ideal1 when he finds her4 ,but that is just what troubles me4 ,he is not free4 ,he does not attach himself readily1 and ,i am afraid that it will be a long1 long time before he gets over this unlucky passion for you4 ,passion6 ,i cried1 contemptuously4 ,she looked at me with some surprise1 and then went on4 ,most girls would jump at the chance of getting such a husband4 ,i don't know that ,i particularly care to be classed with 'most girls1' ,i replied1 loftily4 ,but if you only knew him as well as ,i do4 ,he is so noble1 so disinterested1 and is so beloved by his patients4 ,i could tell you scores of anecdotes about him that would show just what he is4 ,thank you1 ,i said1 ,i think we have discussed ,dr4 ,elliott quite enough already4 ,i cannot say that he has elevated himself in my opinion by making you take up the cudgels in his defence4 ,you do him injustice1 when you say that1 she cried4 ,his sister1 the only person to whom he confided the state of things1 begged me to find out1 if ,i could1 whether you had any other attachment1 and if her brother's case was quite hopeless4 ,but ,i am sorry ,i undertook the task as it has annoyed you so much4 ,i came away a good deal ruffled4 ,when ,i got home mother said she was glad ,i had been out at last for a little recreation1 and that she wished ,i did not confine myself so to the children4 ,i said that ,i did not confine myself more than ,aunty did4 ,but that is different1 mother objected4 ,she is their own mother1 and love helps her to bear her burden4 ,so it does me1 ,i returned4 ,i love the children exactly as if they were my own4 ,that1 she said1 is impossible4 ,i certainly do1 ,i persisted4 ,mother would not dispute with me1 though ,i wished she would4 ,a mother1 she went on1 receives her children one at a time1 and gradually adjusts herself to gradually increasing burdens4 ,but you take a whole houseful upon you at once1 and ,i am sure it is too much for you4 ,you do not look or act like yourself4 ,it isn't the children1 ,i said4 ,what is it1 then8 ,why1 it's nothing1 ,i said1 pettishly4 ,i must say1 dear1 said mother1 not noticing my manner1 that your wonderful devotion to the children1 aside from its effect on your health and temper1 has given me great delight4 ,i don't see why1 ,i said4 ,very few girls of your age would give up their whole time as you do to such work4 ,that is because very few girls are as fond of children as ,i am4 ,there is no virtue in doing exactly what one likes best to do4 ,there1 go away1 you contrary child1 said mother1 laughing4 ,if you won't be praised1 you won't4 ,so ,i came up here and moped a little4 ,i don't see what ails me4 ,but there is an under-current of peace that is not entirely disturbed by any outside event4 ,in spite of my follies and my shortcomings1 ,i do believe that ,god loves and pities me1 and will yet perfect that which concerneth me4 ,it is a great mystery4 ,but so is everything4 ,dr4 ,elliott to ,mrs4 ,crofton3 ,and now1 my dear friend1 having issued my usual bulletin of health1 you may feel quite at ease about your dear children1 and ,i come to a point in your letter which ,i would gladly pass over in silence4 ,but this would be but a poor return for the interest you express in my affairs4 ,both ladies are devoted to your little flock1 and ,miss ,mortimer seems not to have a thought but for them4 ,the high opinion ,i formed of her at the outset is more than justified by all ,i see of her daily1 household life4 ,i know what her faults are1 for she seems to take delight in revealing them4 ,but ,i also know her rare virtues1 and what a wealth of affection she has to bestow on the man who is so happy as to win her heart4 ,but ,i shall never be that man4 ,her growing aversion to me makes me dread a summons to your house1 and ,i have hardly manliness enough to conceal the pain this gives me4 ,i entreat you1 therefore1 never again to press this subject upon me4 ,after all1 ,i would not1 if ,i could1 dispense with the ministry of disappointment and unrest4 ,mrs4 ,crofton1 in reply3 4 4 4 4 ,so she hates you1 does she8 ,i am charmed to hear it4 ,indifference would be an alarming symptom1 but good1 cordial hatred1 or what looks like it1 is a most hopeful sign4 ,the next chance you get to see her alone1 assure her that you never shall repeat your first offence4 ,if nothing comes of it ,i am not a woman1 and never was one2 nor is she4 ,,march #be1 #ahcf4-,the ,new ,year and my birthday have come and gone1 and this is the first moment ,i could find for writing down all that has happened4 ,the day after my last date ,i was full of serious1 earnest thoughts1 of new desires to live1 without one reserve1 for ,god4 ,i was smarting under the remembrance of my folly at ,mrs4 ,embury's1 and with a sense of vague disappointment and discomfort1 and had to fly closer than ever to ,him4 ,in the evening ,i thought ,i would go to the usual weekly service4 ,it is true ,i don't like prayer-meetings1 and that is a bad sign1 ,i am afraid4 ,but ,i am determined to go where good people go1 and see if ,i can't learn to like what they like4 ,mother went with me1 of course4 ,what was my surprise to find that ,dr4 ,e4 was to preside6 ,i had no idea that he was that sort of a man4 ,the hymns they sang were beautiful1 and did me good4 ,so was his prayer4 ,if all prayers were like that1 ,i am sure ,i should like evening meetings as much as ,i now dislike them4 ,he so evidently spoke to ,god in it1 and as if he were used to such speaking4 ,he then made a little address on the ministry of disappointments1 as he called it4 ,he spoke so cheerfully and hopefully that ,i began to see almost for the first time ,god's reason for the petty trials and crosses that help to make up every day of one's life4 ,he said there were few who were not constantly disappointed with themselves1 with their slow progress1 their childishness and weakness2 disappointed with their friends who1 strangely enough1 were never quite perfect enough1 and disappointed with the world1 which was always promising so much and giving so little4 ,then he urged to a wise and patient consent to this discipline1 which1 if rightly used1 would help to temper and strengthen the soul against the day of sorrow and bereavement4 ,but ,i am not doing him justice in this meagre report2 there was something almost heavenly in his expression which words cannot describe4 ,coming out ,i heard some one ask1 ,who was that young clergyman8 and the answer1 ,oh1 that is only a doctor6 ,well6 the next week ,i went again1 with mother4 ,we had hardly taken our seats when ,dr4 ,e4 marched in with the sweetest looking little creature ,i ever saw4 ,he was so taken up with her that he did not observe either mother or myself4 ,as she sat by my side ,i could not see her full face1 but her profile was nearly perfect4 ,her eyes were of that lovely blue one sees in violets and the skies1 with long1 soft eye-lashes1 and her complexion was as pure as a baby's4 ,yet she was not one of your doll beauties2 her face expressed both feeling and character4 ,they sang together from the same book1 though ,i offered her a share of mine4 ,of course1 when people do that it can mean but one thing4 ,so it seems he has forgotten me1 and consoled himself with this pretty little thing4 ,no doubt she is like his mother1 that gentlest1 meekest1 sweetest and fairest among women6 ,now if anybody should be sick1 and he should come here1 ,i thought1 what would become of me8 ,i certainly could not help showing that a love that can so soon take up with a new object could not have been a sentiment of much depth4 ,it is not pleasant to lose even a portion of one's respect and esteem for another4 ,the next day mother went to visit an old friend of hers1 who has a beautiful place outside of the city4 ,the baby's nurse had ironing to do1 so ,i promised to sit in the nursery till it was finished4 ,lucy came1 with her books1 to sit with me4 ,she always follows like my shadow4 ,after a while ,mrs4 ,embury called4 ,i hesitated a little about trusting the child to ,lucy's care1 for though her prim ways have given her the reputation of being wise beyond her years1 ,i observe that she is apt to get into trouble which a quick-witted child would either avoid or jump out of in a twinkling4 ,however1 children are often left to much younger girls1 so1 with many cautions1 ,i went down1 resolving to stay only a few moments4 ,but ,i wanted so much to know all about that pretty little friend of ,dr4 ,e4's that ,i let ,mrs4 ,embury stay on and on1 though not a ray of light did ,i get for my pains4 ,at last ,i heard ,lucy's step coming downstairs4 ,cousin ,katy1 she said1 entering the room with her usual propriety1 ,i was seated by the window1 engaged with my studies1 and the children were playing about1 as usual1 when suddenly ,i heard a shriek1 and one of them ran past me1 all in a blaze and- ,i believe ,i pushed her out of my way as ,i rushed upstairs1 for ,i took it for granted ,i should meet the little figure all in a blaze1 coming to meet me4 ,but ,i found it wrapped in a blanket1 the flames extinguished4 ,meanwhile1 ,mrs4 ,embury had roused the whole house1 and everybody came running upstairs4 ,get the doctor1 some of you1 ,i cried1 clasping the poor little writhing form in my arms4 ,and then ,i looked to see which of them it was1 and found it was ,aunty's pet lamb1 everybody's pet lamb1 our little loving1 gentle ,emma4 ,dr4 ,elliott must have come on wings1 for ,i had not time to be impatient for his arrival4 ,he was as tender as a woman with ,emma2 we cut off and tore off her clothes wherever the fire had touched her1 and he dressed the burns with his own hands4 ,he did not speak a word to me1 or ,i to him4 ,this time he did not find it necessary to advise me to control myself4 ,i was as cold and hard as a stone4 ,but when poor little ,emma's piercing shrieks began to subside1 and she came a little under the influence of some soothing drops he had given her at the outset1 ,i began to feel that sensation in the back of my neck that leads to conquest over the most stubborn and the most heroic4 ,i had just time to get ,emma into the doctor's arms1 and then down ,i went4 ,i got over it in a minute1 and was up again before any one had time to come to the rescue4 ,but ,dr4 ,e4 gave ,emma to ,mrs4 ,embury1 who had taken off her things and been crying all the time1 and said in a low voice1 ,i beg you will now leave the room1 and lie down4 ,and do not feel obliged to see me when ,i visit the child4 ,that annoyance1 at least1 you should spare yourself4 ,no consideration shall make me neglect little ,emma1 ,i replied1 defiantly4 ,by this time ,mrs4 ,embury had rocked her to sleep1 and she lay1 pale and with an air of complete exhaustion1 in her arms4 ,you must lie down now1 ,miss ,mortimer1 ,dr4 ,elliott said1 as he rose to go4 ,i will return in a few hours to see how you both do4 ,he stood looking at1 ,emma1 but did not go4 ,then ,mrs4 ,embury asked the question ,i had not dared to ask4 ,is the poor child in danger8 ,i cannot say2 ,i trust not4 ,miss ,mortimer's presence of mind in extinguishing the flames at once1 has1 ,i hope1 saved its life4 ,it was not my presence of mind1 it was ,lucy's6 ,i cried1 eagerly4 ,oh1 how ,i envied her for being the heroine1 and for the surprised1 delighted smile with which he went and took her hand1 saying1 ,i congratulate you1 ,lucy6 ,how your mother will rejoice at this6 ,i tried to think of nothing but poor little ,emma1 and of the reward ,aunty had had for her kindness to ,lucy4 ,but ,i thought of myself1 and how likely it was that under the same circumstances ,i should have been beside myself1 and done nothing4 ,this1 and many other emotions1 made me burst out crying4 ,yes1 cry1 cry1 with all your heart1 said ,mrs4 ,embury1 laying ,emma gently down1 and coming to get me into her arms4 ,it will do you good1 poor child6 ,she cried with me1 till at last ,i could lie down and try to sleep4 ,well1 the days and the weeks were very long after that4 ,dear mother had a hard time1 what with her anxiety about ,emma1 and my crossness and unreasonableness4 ,dr4 ,elliott came and went1 came and went4 ,at last he said all danger was over1 and that our patient little darling would get well4 ,but his visits did not diminish2 he came twice and three times every day4 ,sometimes ,i hoped he would tell us about his new flame1 and sometimes ,i felt that ,i could not hear her mentioned4 ,one day mother was so unwell that ,i had to help him dress ,emma's burns1 and ,i could not help saying3 ,even a mother's gentlest touch1 full of love as it is1 is almost rough compared with that of one trained to such careful handling as you are4 ,he looked gratified1 but said3 ,i am glad you begin to find that even stones feel1 sometimes4 ,another time something was said about the fickleness of women4 ,mrs4 ,embury began it4 ,i fired up1 of course4 ,he seemed astonished at my attack4 ,i said nothing1 he declared4 ,no1 but you looked a good many things4 ,now the fact is1 women are not fickle4 ,when they lose what they value most1 they find it impossible to replace it4 ,but men console themselves with the first good thing that comes along4 ,i dare say ,i spoke bitterly1 for ,i was thinking how soon ,ch----1 ,i mean somebody1 replaced me in his shallow heart1 and how1 with equal speed1 ,dr4 ,elliott had helped himself to a new love4 ,i do not like these sweeping assertions1 said ,dr4 ,elliott1 looking a good deal annoyed4 ,i have to say what ,i think1 ,i persisted4 ,it is well to think rightly1 then1 he said1 gravely4 ,by the bye1 have you heard from ,helen8 ,mrs4 ,embury most irreverently asked4 ,yes1 ,i1 heard yesterday4 ,i suppose you will be writing her1 then8 ,will you enclose a little note from me8 ,or rather let me have the least corner of your sheet8 ,i was shocked at her want of delicacy4 ,of course this ,helen must be the new love1 and how could a woman with two grains of sense imagine he would want to spare her a part of his sheet6 ,i felt tired and irritated4 ,as soon as ,dr4 ,elliott had gone1 ,i began to give her a good setting down4 ,i could hardly believe my ears1 ,i said1 when ,i heard you ask leave to write on ,dr4 ,elliott's sheet4 ,no wonder1 she said1 laughing4 ,i suppose you never knew what it was to have to count every shilling1 and to deny yourself the pleasure of writing to a friend because of what it would cost4 ,i'm sure ,i never did till ,i was married4 ,but to ask him to let you help write his love-letters1 ,i objected4 ,ah6 is that the way the wind blows8 she cried1 nodding her pretty little head4 ,well1 then1 let me relieve your mind1 my dear1 by informing you that this 'love-letter' is to his sister1 my dearest friend1 and the sweetest little thing you ever saw4 ,oh6 ,i said1 and immediately felt quite rested1 and quite like myself4 ,like myself6 ,and who is she1 pray6 ,two souls dwell in my poor little body1 and which of them is me1 and which of them isn't1 it would be hard to tell4 ,this is the way they behave3 ,,scene ,,first4 ,katy1 to the other creature1 whom ,i will call ,kate4-,your mother looks tired1 and you have been very cross4 ,run and put your arms around her1 and tell her how you love her4 ,kate4-,oh1 ,i can't2 it would look queer4 ,i don't like palaver4 ,besides1 who would not be cross who felt as ,i do8 ,,scene ,,second4 ,katy4-,little ,emma has nothing to do1 and ought to be amused4 ,tell her a story1 do4 ,kate4-,i am tired1 and need to be amused myself4 ,katy4-,but the dear little thing is so patient and has suffered so much4 ,kate4-,well1 ,i have suffered1 too4 ,if she had not climbed up on the fender she would not have got burned4 ,,scene ,,third4 ,kate4-,you are very irritable to-day4 ,you had better go upstairs to your room and pray for patience4 ,katy4-,one can't be always praying4 ,i don't feel like it4 ,,scene ,,fourth4 ,katy4-,you treat ,dr4 ,elliott shamefully4 ,i should think he would really avoid you as you avoid him4 ,kate-,don't let me hear his name4 ,i don't avoid him4 ,katy4-,you do not deserve his good opinion4 ,kate4-,yes1 ,i do4 ,,scene ,,fifth ,just awake in the morning4 ,katy4-,oh1 dear6 how hateful ,i am6 ,i am cross and selfish1 and domineering1 and vain4 ,i think of myself the whole time2 ,i behave like a heroine when ,dr4 ,elliott is present1 and like a naughty1 spoiled child when he is not4 ,poor mother6 how can she endure me8 ,as to my piety1 it is worse than none4 ,kate1 a few hours later4-,well1 nobody can deny that ,i have a real gift in managing children6 ,and ,i am very lovable1 or mother wouldn't be so fond of me4 ,i am always pleasant unless ,i am sick1 or worried1 and my temper is not half so hasty as it used to be4 ,i never think of myself1 but am all the time doing something for others4 ,as to ,dr4 ,e41 ,i am thankful to say that ,i have never stooped to attract him by putting on airs and graces4 ,he sees me just as ,i am4 ,and ,i am very devout4 ,i love to read good books and to be with good people4 ,i pray a great deal4 ,the bare thought of doing wrong makes me shudder4 ,mother is proud of me1 and ,i don't wonder4 ,very few girls would have behaved as ,i did when ,emma was burned4 ,perhaps ,i am not as sweet as some people4 ,i am glad of it4 ,i hate sweet people4 ,i have great strength of character1 which is much better1 and am certainly very high-toned4 ,but1 my poor journal1 you can't stand any more such stuff1 can you8 ,but tell me one thing1 am ,i ,katy or am ,i ,kate8 ,chapter #aj ,x ,,april #bj4 ,,yesterday ,i felt better than ,i have done since the accident4 ,i ran about the house quite cheerily1 for me4 ,i wanted to see mother for something1 and flew singing into the parlor1 where ,i had left her shortly before4 ,but she was not there1 and ,dr4 ,elliott was4 ,i started back1 and was about to leave the room1 but he detained me4 ,come in1 ,i beg of you1 he said1 his voice grow mg hoarser and hoarser4 ,let us put a stop to this4 ,to what8 ,i asked1 going nearer and nearer1 and looking up into his face1 which was quite pale4 ,to your evident terror of being alone with me1 of hearing me speak4 ,let me assure you1 once for all1 that nothing would tempt me to annoy you by urging myself upon you1 as you seem to fear ,i may be tempted to do4 ,i cannot force you to love me1 nor would ,i if ,i could4 ,if you ever want a friend you will find one in me4 ,but do not think of me as your lover1 or treat me as if ,i were always lying in wait for a chance to remind you of it4 ,that ,i shall never do1 never4 ,oh1 no1 of course not6 ,i broke forth1 my face all in a glow1 and tears of mortification raining down my cheeks4 ,i knew you did not care for me ,i6 knew you had got over it6 ,i don't know which of us began it1 ,i don't think he did1 and ,i am sure ,i did not1 but the next moment ,i was folded all up in his great long arms1 and a new life had begun6 ,mother opened the door not long after1 and seeing what was going on1 trotted away on her dear feet as fast as she could4 ,,april #ba4-;,i am too happy to write journals4 ,to think how we love each other4 ,mother behaves beautifully4 ,,april #be4-,one does not feel like saying much about it1 when one is as happy as ,i am4 ,i walk the streets as one treading on air4 ,i fly about the house as on wings4 ,i kiss everybody ,i see4 ,now that ,i look at ,ernest 7for he makes me call him so7 with unprejudiced eyes1 ,i wonder ,i ever thought him clumsy4 ,and how ridiculous it was in me to confound his dignity and manliness with age6 ,it is very odd1 however1 that such a cautious1 well-balanced man should have fallen in love with me that day at ,sunday-school4 ,and still stranger that with my headlong1 impulsive nature1 ,i deliberately walked into love with him6 ,i believe we shall never get through with what we have to say to each other4 ,i am afraid we are rather selfish to leave mother to herself every evening4 ,,sept4 #e4-,this has been a delightful summer4 ,to be sure1 we had to take the children to the country for a couple of months1 but ,ernest's letters are almost better than ,ernest himself4 ,i have written enough to him to fill a dozen books4 ,we are going back to the city now4 ,in his last letter ,ernest says he has been home1 and that his mother is delighted to hear of his engagement4 ,he says1 too1 that he went to see an old lady1 one of the friends of his boyhood1 to tell the news to her4 ,when ,i told her1 he goes on1 that ,i had found the most beautiful1 the noblest1 the most loving of human beings1 she only said1 ',of course1 of course6' ,now you know1 dear1 that it is not at all of course1 but the very strangest1 most wonderful event in the history of the world4 ,and then he described a scene he had just witnessed at the deathbed of a young girl of my own age1 who left this world and every possible earthly joy1 with a delight in the going to be with ,christ1 that made him really eloquent4 ,oh1 how glad ,i am that ,god has cast in my lot with a man whose whole business is to minister to others6 ,i am sure this will1 of itself1 keep him unworldly and unselfish4 ,how delicious it is to love such a character1 and how happy ,i shall be to go with him to sick-rooms and to dying-beds6 ,he has already taught me that lessons learned in such scenes far outweigh in value what books and sermons1 even1 can teach4 ,and now1 my dear old journal1 let me tell you a secret that has to do with life1 and not with death4 ,i am going to be married6 ,to think that ,i am always to be with ,ernest6 ,to sit at the table with him every day1 to pray with him1 to go to church with him1 to have him all mine6 ,i am sure that there is not another man on earth whom ,i could love as ,i love him4 ,the thought of marrying ,ch---1 ,i mean of having that silly1 school-girl engagement end in marriage1 was always repugnant to me4 ,but ,i give myself to ,ernest joyfully and with all my heart4 ,how good ,god has been to me6 ,i do hope and pray that this new1 this absorbing love1 has not detached my soul from ,him1 will not detach it4 ,if ,i knew it would1 could ,i1 should ,i have courage to cut it off and cast it from me8 ,,jan4 #af1 #ahcg4-,yesterday was my birthday1 and to-day is my wedding-day4 ,we meant to celebrate the one with the other1 but ,sunday would come this year on the fifteenth4 ,i am dressed1 and have turned everybody out of this room1 where ,i have suffered so much mortification1 and experienced so much joy1 that before ,i give myself to ,ernest1 and before ,i leave home forever1 ,i may once more give myself away to ,god4 ,i have been too much absorbed in my earthly love1 and am shocked to find how it fills my thoughts4 ,but ,i will belong to ,god4 ,i will begin my married life in ,his fear1 depending on ,him to make me an unselfish1 devoted wife4 ,,jan4 #be4-,we had a delightful trip after the wedding was over4 ,ernest proposed to take me to his own home that ,i might see his mother and sister4 ,he never has said that he wanted them to see me4 ,but his mother is not well4 ,i am heartily glad of it4 ,i mean ,i was glad to escape going there to be examined and criticised4 ,every one of them would pick at me1 ,i am sure1 and ,i don't like to be picked at4 ,we have a home of our own1 and ,i am trying to take kindly to housekeeping4 ,ernest is away a great deal more than ,i expected he would be4 ,i am fearfully lonely4 ,aunty comes to see me as often as she can1 and ,i go there almost every day1 but that doesn't amount to much4 ,as soon as ,i can venture to it1 ,i shall ask ,ernest to let me invite mother to come and live with us4 ,it is not right for her to be left all alone so ,i hoped he would do that himself4 ,but men are not like women4 ,we think of everything4 ,,feb4 #ae4-,our honeymoon ends to-day4 ,there hasn't been quite as much honey in it as ,i expected4 ,i supposed that ,ernest would be at home every evening1 at least1 and that he would read aloud1 and have me play and sing1 and that we should have delightful times together4 ,but now he has got me he seems satisfied1 and goes about his business as if he had been married a hundred years4 ,in the morning he goes off to see his list of patients2 he is going in and out all day2 after dinner we sit down to have a nice talk together2 the door-bell invariably rings1 and he is called away4 ,then in the evening he goes and sits in his office and studies2 ,i don't mean every minute1 but he certainly spends hours there4 ,to-day he brought me such a precious letter from dear mother6 ,i could not help crying when ,i read it1 it was so kind and so loving4 ,ernest looked amazed2 he threw down his paper1 came and took me in his arms and asked1 ,what is the matter1 darling8 ,then it all came out4 ,i said ,i was lonely1 and hadn't been used to spending my evenings all by myself4 ,you must get some of your friends to come and see you1 poor child1 he said4 ,i don't want friends1 ,i sobbed out4 ,i want you4 ,yes1 darling2 why didn't you tell me so sooner8 ,of course ,i will stay with you if you wish it4 ,if that is your only reason1 ,i am sure ,i don't want you1 ,i pouted4 ,he looked puzzled4 ,i really don't know what to do1 he said1 with a most comical look of perplexity4 ,but he went to his office1 and brought up a pile of fusty old books4 ,now1 dear1 he said1 we understand each other ,i think4 ,i can read here just as well as down stairs4 ,get your book and we shall be as cosy as possible4 ,my heart felt sore and dissatisfied4 ,am ,i unreasonable and childish8 ,what is married life8 ,an occasional meeting1 a kiss here and a caress there8 or is it the sacred union of the twain who 'walk together side by side1 knowing each other's joys and sorrows1 and going ,heavenward hand in hand8 ,,feb4 #ag4-,mrs4 ,embury has been here to-day4 ,i longed to compare notes with her1 and find out whether it really is my fault that ,i am not quite happy4 ,but ,i could not bear to open my heart to her on so sacred a subject4 ,we had some general conversation1 however1 which did me good for the time1 at least4 ,she said she thought one of the first lessons a wife should learn is self-forgetfulness4 ,i wondered if she had seen anything in me to call forth this remark4 ,we meet pretty often2 partly because our husbands are such good friends1 partly because she is as fond of music as ,i am1 and we like to sing and play together1 and ,i never see her that she does not do or say something elevating2 something that strengthens my own best purposes and desires4 ,but she knows nothing of my conflict and dismay1 and never will4 ,her gentle nature responds at once to holy influences4 ,i feel truly grateful to her for loving me1 for she really does love me1 and yet she must see my faults4 ,i should like to know if there is any reason on earth why a woman should learn self-forgetfulness that does not apply to a man8 ,,feb4 #ah4-,uncle says he has no doubt he owes his life to ,ernest1 who1 in the face of opposition to other physicians1 insisted on his giving up his business and going off to ,europe at just the right moment4 ,for his partner1 whose symptoms were very like his own1 has been stricken down with paralysis1 and will not recover4 ,it is very pleasant to hear ,ernest praised1 and it is a pleasure ,i have very often1 for his friends come to see me1 and speak of him with rapture4 ,a lady told me that through the long illness of a sweet young daughter of hers1 he prayed with her every day1 ministering so skillfully to her soul1 that all fear of death was taken away1 and she just longed to go1 and did go at last1 with perfect delight4 ,i think he spoke of her to me once2 but he did not tell me that her preparations for death was his work4 ,i could not conceive of him as doing that4 ,,feb4 #bd4-;,ernest has been gone a week4 ,his mother is worse and he had to go4 ,i wanted to go too1 but he said it was not worth while1 as he should have to return directly4 ,dr4 ,embury takes charge of his patients during his absence1 and ,mrs4 ,e4 and ,aunty and the children come to see me very often4 ,i like ,mrs4 ,embury more and more4 ,she is not so audacious as ,i am1 but ,i believe she agrees with me more than she will own4 ,,feb4 #be4-;,ernest writes that his mother is dangerously ill1 and seems in great distress4 ,i am mean enough to want all his love myself1 while ,i should hate him if he gave none to her4 ,poor ,ernest6 ,if she should die he would be sadly afflicted6 ,,feb4 #bg4-,she died the very day he wrote4 ,how ,i long to fly to him and to comfort him6 ,i can think of nothing else4 ,i pray day and night that ,god would make me a better wife4 ,a letter came from mother at the same time with ,ernest's4 ,she evidently misses me more than she will own4 ,just as soon as ,ernest returns home ,i will ask him to let her come and live with us4 ,i am sure he will2 he loves her already1 and now that his mother has gone he will find her a real comfort4 ,i am sure she will only make our home the happier4 ,,feb4 #bh4-,such a dreadful thing is going to happen6 ,i have cried and called myself names by turns all day4 ,ernest writes that it has been decided to give up the old homestead1 and scatter the family about among the married sons and daughters4 ,our share is to be his father and his sister ,martha1 and he desires me to have two rooms got ready for them at once4 ,so all the glory and the beauty is snatched out of my married life at one swoop6 ,and it is done by the hand ,i love best1 and that ,i would not have believed could be so unkind4 ,i am rent in pieces by conflicting emotions and passions4 ,one moment ,i am all tenderness and sympathy for poor ,ernest1 and ready to sacrifice everything for his pleasure4 ,the next ,i am bitterly angry with him for disposing of all my happiness in this arbitrary way4 ,if he had let me make common cause with him and share his interests with him1 ,i know ,i am not so abominably selfish as to feel as ,i do now4 ,but he forces two perfect strangers upon me and forever shuts our doors against my darling mother4 ,for1 of course1 she cannot live with us if they do4 ,and who knows what sort of people they are8 ,it is not everybody ,i can get along with1 nor is it everybody can get along with me4 ,now1 if ,helen were coming instead of ,martha1 that would be some relief4 ,i could love her1 ,i am sure1 and she would put up with my ways4 ,but your ,marthas ,i am afraid of4 ,oh1 dear1 dear1 what a nest of scorpions this affair has stirred up within me6 ,who would believe ,i could be thinking of my own misery while ,ernest's mother1 whom he loved so dearly1 is hardly in her grave6 ,but ,i have no heart1 ,i am stony and cold4 ,it is well to have found out just what ,i am6 ,since ,i wrote that ,i have been trying to tell ,god all about it4 ,but ,i could not speak for crying4 ,and ,i have been getting the rooms ready4 ,how many little things ,i had planned to put in the best one1 which ,i intended for mother ,i have made myself arrange them just the same for ,ernest's father4 ,the stuffed chair ,i have had in my room1 and enjoyed so much1 has been rolled in1 and the ,bible with large print placed on the little table near which ,i had pictured mother with her sweet1 pale face1 as sitting year after year4 ,the only thing ,i have taken away is the copy of father's portrait4 ,he won't want that6 ,when ,i had finished this business ,i went and shook my fist at the creature ,i saw in the glass4 ,you're beaten6 ,i cried4 ,you didn't want to give up the chair1 nor your writing-table1 nor the ,bible in which you expect to record the names of your ten children ,i ,but you've had to do it1 so there6 ,,march #c4-,they all got here at #g o'clock last night1 just in time for tea4 ,i was so glad to get hold of ,ernest once more that ,i was gracious to my guests1 too4 ,the very first thing1 however1 ,ernest annoyed me by calling me ,katherine1 though he knows ,i hate that name1 and want to be called ,katy as if ,i were a lovable person1 as ,i certainly am 7sometimes74 ,of course his father and ,martha called me ,katherine1 too4 ,his father is even taller1 darker1 blacker eyed1 blacker haired than he4 ,martha is a spinster4 ,i had got up a nice little supper for them1 thinking they would need something substantial after their journey4 ,and perhaps there was some vanity in the display of dainties that needed the mortification ,i felt at seeing my guests both push away their plates in apparent disgust4 ,ernest1 too1 looked annoyed1 and expressed some regret that they could find nothing to tempt their appetites4 ,martha said something about not expecting much from young housekeepers1 which ,i inwardly resented1 for the light1 delicious bread had been sent by ,aunty1 together with other luxuries from her own table1 and ,i knew they were not the handiwork of a young housekeeper1 but of old ,chloe1 who had lived in her own and her mother's family twenty years4 ,ernest went out as soon as this unlucky repast was over to hear ,dr4 ,embury's report of his patients1 and we passed a dreary evening1 as my mind was preoccupied with longing for his return4 ,the more ,i tried to think of something to say the more ,i couldn't4 ,at last ,martha asked at what time we breakfasted4 ,at half-past seven1 precisely1 ,i answered4 ,ernest is very punctual about breakfast4 ,the other meals are more irregular4 ,that is very late1 she returned4 ,father rises early and needs his breakfast at once4 ,i said ,i would see that he had it as early as he liked1 while ,i foresaw that this would cost me a battle with the divinity who reigned in the kitchen4 ,you need not trouble yourself4 ,i will speak to my brother about it1 she said4 ,ernest has nothing to do with it1 ,i said1 quickly4 ,she looked at me in a speechless way1 and then there was a long silence1 during which she shook her head a number of times4 ,at last she inquired3 ,did you make the bread we had on the table to-night8 ,no1 ,i do not know how to make bread1 ,i said1 smiling at her look of horror4 ,not know how to make bread8 she cried4 ,the very spirit of mischief got into me1 and made me ask3 ,why1 can you8 ,now ,i know there is but one other question ,i could have asked her1 less insulting than this1 and that is3 ,do you know the ,ten ,commandments8 ,a spinster fresh from a farm not know how make bread1 to be sure6 ,but in a moment ,i was ashamed and sorry that ,i had yielded to myself so far as to forget the courtesy due to her as my guest1 and one just home from a scene of sorrow1 so ,i rushed across the room1 seized her hand1 and said1 eagerly3 ,do forgive me6 ,it slipped out before ,i thought6 ,she looked at me in blank amazement1 unconscious that there was anything to forgive4 ,how you startled me6 she said4 ,i thought you had suddenly gone crazy4 ,i went back to my seat crestfallen enough4 ,all this time ,ernest's father had sat grim and grave in his corner1 without a word4 ,but now he spoke4 ,at what hour does my son have family worship8 ,i should like to retire4 ,i feel very weary4 ,now family worship at night consists in our kneeling down together hand in hand1 the last thing before going to bed1 and in our own room4 ,the awful thought of changing this sweet1 informal habit into a formal one made me reply quickly3 ,oh1 ,ernest is very irregular about it4 ,he is often out in the evening1 and sometimes we are quite late4 ,i hope you never will feel obliged to wait for him4 ,i trust ,i shall do my duty1 whatever it costs1 was the answer4 ,oh1 how ,i wished they would go to bed6 ,it was now ten o'clock1 and ,i felt tired and restless4 ,when ,ernest is out late ,i usually lie on the sofa and wait for him1 and so am bright and fresh when he comes in4 ,but now ,i had to sit up1 and there was no knowing for how long4 ,i poked at the fire and knocked down the shovel and tongs1 now ,i leaned back in my chair1 and now ,i leaned forward1 and then ,i listened for his step4 ,at last he came4 ,what1 are you not all gone to bed8 he asked4 ,as if ,i could go to bed when ,i had scarcely seen him a moment since his return6 ,i explained why we waited1 and then we had prayer and escorted our guests to their rooms4 ,when we got back to the parlor ,i was thankful to rest my tired soul in ,ernest's arms1 and to hear what little he had to tell about his mother's last hours4 ,you must love me more than ever1 now1 he said1 for ,i have lost my best friend4 ,yes1 ,i said1 ,i will4 ,as if that were possible6 ,all the time we were talking ,i heard the greatest racket overhead1 but he did not seem to notice it4 ,i found1 this morning1 that ,martha1 or her father1 or both together1 had changed the positions of article of furniture in the room making it look a fright4 ,chapter #aa ,,xi4 ,,march #aj4 ,,things are even worse than ,i expected4 ,ernest evidently looked at me with his father's eyes 7and this father has got the jaundice1 or something71 and certainly is cooler towards me than he was before he went home4 ,martha still declines eating more than enough to keep body and soul together1 and sits at the table with the air of a martyr4 ,her father lives on crackers and stewed prunes1 and when he has eaten them1 fixes his melancholy eyes on me1 watching every mouthful with an air of plaintive regret that ,i will consume so much unwholesome food4 ,then ,ernest positively spends less time with me than ever1 and sits in his office reading and writing nearly every evening4 ,yesterday ,i came home from an exhilarating walk1 and a charming call at ,aunty's1 and at the dinner-table gave a lively account of some of the children's exploits4 ,nobody laughed1 and nobody made any response1 and after dinner ,ernest took me aside1 and said1 kindly enough1 but still said it1 ,my little wife must be careful how she runs on in my father's presence4 ,he has a great deal of every thing that might be thought levity4 ,then all the vials of my wrath exploded and went off4 ,yes1 ,i see how it is1 ,i cried1 passionately4 ,you and your father and your sister have got a box about a foot square that you want to squeeze me into4 ,i have seen it ever since they came4 ,and ,i can tell you it will take more than three of you to do it4 ,there was no harm in what ,i said-none1 whatever4 ,if you only married me for the sake of screwing me down and freezing me up1 why didn't you tell me so before it was too late8 ,ernest stood looking at me like one staring at a problem he had got to solve1 and didn't know where to begin4 ,i am very sorry1 he said4 ,i thought you would be glad to have me give you this little hint4 ,of course ,i want you to appear your very best before my father and sister4 ,my very best is my real self1 ,i cried4 ,to talk like a woman of forty is unnatural to a girl of my age4 ,if your father doesn't like me ,i wish he would go away1 and not come here putting notions into your head1 and making you as cold and hard as a stone4 ,mother liked to have me 'run on1' as you call it1 and ,i wish ,i had stayed with her all my life4 ,do you mean1 he asked1 very gravely1 that you really wish that8 ,no1 ,i said1 ,i don't mean it1 for his husky1 troubled voice brought me to my senses4 ,all ,i mean is1 that ,i love you so dearly1 and you keep my heart feeling so hungry and restless2 and then you went and brought your father and sister here and never asked me if ,i should like it2 and you crowded mother out1 and she lives all alone1 and it isn't right6 ,i always said that whoever married me had got to marry mother1 and ,i never dreamed that you would disappoint me so6 ,will you stop crying1 and listen to me8 he said4 ,but ,i could not stop4 ,the floods of the great deep were broken up at last1 and ,i had to cry4 ,if ,i could have told my troubles to some one ,i could thus have found vent for them1 but there was no one to whom ,i had a right to speak of my husband4 ,ernest walked up and down in silence4 ,oh1 if ,i could have cried on his breast1 and felt that he loved and pitied me6 ,at last1 as ,i grew quieter1 he came and sat by me4 ,this has come upon me like a thunderclap1 he said4 ,i did not know ,i kept your heart hungry4 ,i did not know you wished your mother to live with us4 ,and ,i took it for granted that my wife1 with her high-toned1 heroic character1 would sustain me in every duty1 and welcome my father and sister to our home4 ,i do not know what ,i can do now4 ,shall ,i send them away8 ,no1 no6 ,i cried4 ,only be good to me1 ,ernest1 only love me1 only look at me with your own eyes1 and not with other people's4 ,you knew ,i had faults when you married me2 ,i never tried to conceal them4 ,and did you fancy ,i had none myself8 he asked4 ,no1 ,i replied4 ,i saw no faults in you4 ,everybody said you were such a noble1 good man and you spoke so beautifully one night at an evening meeting4 ,speaking beautifully is little to the purpose less one lives beautifully1 he said1 sadly4 ,and now is it possible that you and ,i1 a ,christian man and a ,christian woman1 are going on and on with scenes as this8 ,are you to wear your very life out because ,i have not your frantic way of loving1 and am ,i to be made weary of mine because ,i cannot satisfy you8 ,but1 ,ernest1 ,i said1 you used to satisfy me4 ,oh1 how happy ,i was in those first days when we were always together2 and you seemed so fond me6 ,i was down on the floor by this time1 and looking up into his pale1 anxious face4 ,dear child1 he said1 ,i do love you1 and that more than you know4 ,but you would not have me leave my work and spend my whole time telling you so8 ,you know ,i am not so silly1 ,i cried44 ,it is not fair1 it is not right to talk as if ,i were4 ,i ask for nothing unreasonable4 ,i only want those little daily assurances of your affection which ,i should suppose would be spontaneous if you felt at all towards me as ,i do to you4 ,the fact is1 he returned1 ,i am absorbed in my work4 ,it brings many grave cares and anxieties4 ,i spend most of my time amid scenes of suffering and at dying beds4 ,this makes me seem abstracted and cold1 but it does not make you less dear4 ,on the contrary1 the sense it gives me of the brevity and sorrowfulness of life makes you doubly precious1 since it constantly reminds me that sick beds and dying beds must sooner or later come to our home as to those of others4 ,i clung to him as he uttered these terrible words4 ,in an agony of terror4 ,oh1 ,ernest1 promise me1 promise me that you will not die first1 ,i pleaded4 ,foolish little thing6 he said1 and was as silly1 for a while1 as the silliest heart could ask4 ,then he became serious again4 ,katy1 he said1 if you can once make up your mind to the fact that ,i am an undemonstrative man1 not all fire and fury and ecstasy as you are1 yet loving you with all my heart1 however it may seem1 ,i think you will spare yourself much needless pain--and spare me1 also4 ,but ,i want1 you to be demonstrative1 ,i persisted4 ,then you must teach me4 ,and about my father and sister1 perhaps1 we may find some way of relieving you by and by4 ,meanwhile1 try to bear with the trouble they make1 for my sake4 ,but ,i don't mind the trouble6 ,oh1 ,ernest1 how you do misunderstand me6 ,what ,i mind is their coming between you and me and making you love me less4 ,by this time there was a call for ,ernest-it is a wonder there had not been forty-and he went4 ,i feel as heart-sore as ever4 ,what has been gained by this tempest8 ,nothing at all6 ,poor ,ernest6 ,how can ,i worry him so when he is already full of care8 ,,march #bj4-;,i have had such a truly beautiful letter to-day from dear mother6 ,she gives up the hope of coming to spend her last years with us with a sweet patience that makes me cry whenever ,i think of it4 ,what is the secret of this instant and cheerful consent to whatever ,god wills6 ,oh1 that ,i had it1 too6 ,she begs me to be considerate and kind to ,ernest's father and sister1 and constantly to remind myself that my ,heavenly ,father has chosen to give me this care and trial on the very threshold of my married life4 ,i am afraid ,i have quite lost sight of that in my indignation with ,ernest for bringing them here4 ,,april #c4-,martha is closeted with ,ernest in his office day and night4 ,they never give me the least hint of what is going on in these secret meetings4 ,then this morning ,sarah1 my good1 faithful cook1 bounced into my room to give warning4 ,she said she could not live where there were two mistresses giving contrary directions4 ,but1 really1 there is but one mistress1 ,i urged4 ,then it came out that ,martha went down every morning to look after the soap-fat1 and to scrimp in the house-keeping1 and see that there was no food wasted4 ,i remembered then that she had inquired whether ,i attended to these details1 evidently ranking such duties with saying one's prayers and reading one's ,bible4 ,i flew to ,ernest the moment he was at leisure and poured my grievances into his ear4 ,well1 dear1 he said1 suppose you give up the house-keeping to ,martha6 ,she will be far happier and you will be freed from much annoying1 petty care4 ,i bit my tongue lest it should say something1 and went back to ,sarah4 ,suppose ,miss ,elliott takes charge of the housekeeping1 and ,i have nothing to do with it1 will you stay8 ,indeed1 and ,i won't then4 ,i can't bear her1 and ,i won't put up with her nasty1 scrimping1 pinching ways6 ,very well4 ,then you will have to go1 ,i said1 with great dignity1 though just ready to cry4 ,ernest1 on being applied to for wages1 undertook to argue the question himself4 ,my sister will take the whole charge1 he began4 ,and may and welcome for all me6 quoth ,sarah4 ,i don't like her and never shall4 ,your liking or disliking her is of no consequence whatever1 said ,ernest4 ,you may dislike her as much as you please4 ,but you must not leave us4 ,indeed1 and ,i'm not going to stay and be put upon by her1 persisted ,sarah4 ,so she has gone4 ,we had to get dinner ourselves2 that is to say1 ,martha did1 for she said ,i got in her way1 and put her out with my awkwardness4 ,i have been running hither and thither to find some angel who will consent to live in this ill-assorted household4 ,oh1 how different everything is from what ,i had planned6 ,i wanted a cheerful home1 where ,i should be the centre of every joy2 a home like ,aunty's1 without a cloud4 ,but ,ernest's father sits1 the personification of silent gloom1 like a nightmare on my spirits2 ,martha holds me in disfavor and contempt2 ,ernest is absorbed in his profession1 and ,i hardly see him4 ,if he wants advice he asks it of ,martha1 while ,i sit1 humbled1 degraded and ashamed1 wondering why he ever married me at all4 ,and then come interludes of wild joy when he appears just as he did in the happy days of our bridal trip1 and ,i forget every grievance and hang on his words and looks like one intoxicated with bliss4 ,,oct4 #b4-,there has been another explosion4 ,i held in as long as ,i could1 and then flew into ten thousand pieces4 ,ernest had got into the habit of helping his father and sister at the table1 and apparently forgetting me4 ,it seems a little thing1 but it chafed and fretted my already irritated soul till at last ,i was almost beside myself4 ,yesterday they all three sat eating their breakfast and ,i1 with empty plate1 sat boiling over and1 looking on1 when ,ernest brought things to a crisis by saying to ,martha1 ,if you can find time to-day ,i wish you would go out with me for half an hour or so4 ,i want to consult you about- ,oh6 ,i said1 rising1 with my face all in a flame1 do not trouble yourself to go out in order to escape me4 ,i can leave the room and you can have your secrets to yourselves as you do your breakfast6 ,i don't know which struck me1 most1 ,ernest's appalled1 grieved look or the glance exchanged between ,martha and her father4 ,he did not hinder my leaving the room1 and ,i went upstairs1 as pitiable an object as could be seen4 ,i heard him go to his office1 then take his hat and set forth on his rounds4 ,what wretched hours ,i passed1 thus left alone6 ,one moment ,i reproached myself1 the next ,i was indignant at the long series of offences that had led to this disgraceful scene4 ,at last ,ernest came4 ,he looked concerned1 and a little pale4 ,oh1 ,ernest6 ,i cried1 running to him1 ,i am so sorry ,i spoke to you as ,i did6 ,but1 indeed1 ,i cannot stand the way things are going on2 ,i am wearing all out4 ,everybody speaks of my growing thin4 ,feel of my hands4 ,they burn like fire4 ,i knew you would be sorry1 dear1 he said4 ,yes1 your hands are hot1 poor child4 ,there was a long1 dreadful silence4 ,and yet ,i was speaking1 and perhaps he was4 ,i was begging and beseeching ,god not to let us drift apart1 not to let us lose one jot or tittle of our love to each other1 to enable me to understand my dear1 dear husband and make him understand me4 ,then ,ernest began4 ,what was it vexed you1 dear8 ,what is it you can't stand8 ,tell me4 ,i am your husband1 ,i love you1 ,i want to make you happy4 ,why1 you are having so many secrets that you keep from me2 and you treat me as if ,i were only a child1 consulting ,martha about everything4 ,and of late you seem to have forgotten that ,i am at the table and never help me to anything6 ,secrets6 he re-echoed4 ,what possible secrets can ,i have8 ,i don't know1 ,i said1 sinking wearily back on the sofa4 ,indeed1 ,ernest1 ,i don't want to be selfish or exacting1 but ,i am very unhappy4 ,yes1 ,i see it1 poor child4 ,and if ,i have neglected you at the table ,i do not wonder you are out of patience4 ,i know how it has happened4 ,while you were pouring out the coffee ,i busied myself in caring for my father and ,martha1 and so forgot you4 ,i do not give this as an excuse1 but as a reason4 ,i have really no excuse1 and am ashamed of myself4 ,don't say that1 darling1 ,i cried1 it is ,i who ought to be ashamed for making such an ado about a trifle4 ,it is not a trifle1 he said2 and now to the other points4 ,i dare say ,i have been careless about consulting ,martha4 ,but she has always been a sort of oracle in our family1 and we all look up to her1 and she is so much older than you4 ,then as to the secrets4 ,martha comes to my office to help me look over my books4 ,i have been careless about my accounts1 and she has kindly undertaken to attend to them for me4 ,could not ,i have done that8 ,no2 why should your little head be troubled about money matters8 ,but to go on4 ,i see that it was thoughtless in me not to tell you what we were about4 ,but ,i am greatly perplexed and harassed in many ways4 ,perhaps you would feel better to know all about it4 ,i have only kept it from you to spare you all the anxiety ,i could4 ,oh1 ,ernest1 ,i said1 ought not a wife to share in all her husband's cares8 ,no1 he returned2 but ,i will tell you all that is annoying me now4 ,my father was in business in our native town1 and went on prosperously for many years4 ,then the tide turned-he met with loss after loss1 till nothing remained but the old homestead1 and on that there was a mortgage4 ,we concealed the state of things from my mother2 her health was delicate1 and we never let her know a trouble we could spare her4 ,now she has gone1 and we have found it necessary to sell our old home and to divide and scatter the family4 ,my father's mental distress when he found others suffering from his own losses threw him into the state in which you see him now4 ,i have therefore assumed his debts1 and with ,god's help hope in time to pay them to the uttermost farthing4 ,it will be necessary for us to live economically until this is done4 ,there are two pressing cases that ,i am trying to meet at once4 ,this has given me a preoccupied air1 ,i have no doubt1 and made you suspect and misunderstand me4 ,but now you know the whole1 my darling4 ,i felt my injustice and childish folly very keenly1 and told him so4 ,but ,i think1 dear ,ernest1 ,i added1 if you will not be hurt at my saying so1 that you have led me to it by not letting me share at once in your cares4 ,if you had at the outset just told me the whole story1 you would have enlisted my sympathies in your father's behalf1 and in your own4 ,i should have seen the reasonableness of your breaking up the old home and bringing him here1 and it would have taken the edge of my bitter1 bitter disappointment about my mother4 ,i feel very sorry about that1 he said4 ,it would be a real pleasure to have her here4 ,but as things are now1 she could not be happy with us4 ,there is no room1 ,i put in4 ,i am truly sorry4 ,and now my dear little wife must have patience with her stupid blundering old husband1 and we'll start together once more fair and square4 ,don't wait1 next time1 till you are so full that you boil over2 the moment ,i annoy you by my inconsiderate ways1 come right and tell me4 ,i called myself all the horrid names ,i could think of4 ,may ,i ask one thing more1 now we are upon the subject8 ,i said at last4 ,why couldn't your sister ,helen have come here instead of ,martha8 ,he smiled a little4 ,in the first place1 ,helen would be perfectly if she had the care of father in his present4 ,she is too young to have such responsibility4 ,in the second place1 my brother ,john1 with whom she has gone to live1 has a wife who would be quite crushed by my father and ,martha4 ,she is one of those little tender1 soft souls one could crush fingers4 ,now1 you are not of that sort2 you have force of character enough to enable you to live with them1 while maintaining your own dignity and remaining yourself in spite of circum stances4 ,i thought you admired ,martha above all thing and wanted me to be exactly like her4 ,i do admire her1 but ,i do not want you to be like anybody but yourself4 ,but you nearly killed me by suggesting that ,i should take heed how ,i talked in your father's presence4 ,yes1 dear2 it was very stupid of me1 but my father has a standard of excellence in his mind by which he tests every woman2 this standard is my mother4 ,she had none of your life and fun in her1 and perhaps would not have appreciated your droll way of putting things any better than he and ,martha do4 ,i could not help sighing a little when ,i thought what sort of people were watching my every word4 ,there is nothing amiss to my mind1 ,ernest continued1 in your gay talk2 but my father has his own views as to what constitutes a religious character and cannot understand that real earnestness and real1 genuine mirthfulness are consistent with each other4 ,he had to go now1 and we parted as if for a week's separation1 this one talk had brought us so near to each other4 ,i understand him now as ,i never have done1 and feel that he has given me as real a proof of his affection by unlocking the door of his heart and letting me see its cares1 as ,i give him in my wild pranks and caresses and foolish speeches4 ,how truly noble it is in him to take up his father's burden in this way6 ,i must contrive to help to lighten it4 ,chapter #ab ,,xii4 ,,november #f4 ,,aunty has put me in the way of doing that4 ,i could not tell her the whole story1 of course1 but ,i made her understand that ,ernest needed money for a generous purpose1 and that ,i wanted to help him in it4 ,she said the children needed both music and drawing lessons1 and that she should be delighted if ,i would take them in hand4 ,aunty does not care a fig for accomplishments1 but ,i think ,i am right in accepting her offer1 as the children ought to learn to sing and to play and to draw4 ,of course ,i cannot have them come here1 as ,ernest's father could not bear the noise they would make2 besides1 ,i want to take him by surprise1 and keep the whole thing a secret4 ,nov4 #ad4-;,i have seen by the way ,martha draws down the corners of her mouth of late1 that ,i am unusually out of favor with her4 ,this evening1 ,ernest1 coming home quite late1 found me lolling back in my chair1 idling1 after a hard day's work with my little cousins1 and ,martha sewing nervously away at the rate of ten knots an hour1 which is the first pun ,i ever made4 ,why will you sit up and sew at such a rate1 ,martha8 he asked4 ,she twitched at her thread1 broke it1 and began with a new one before she replied4 ,i suppose you find it convenient to have a whole shirt to your back4 ,i saw then that she was making his shirts6 ,it made me both hot and cold at once4 ,what must ,ernest think of me8 ,it is plain enough what he thinks of her1 for he said1 quite warmly1 for him-- ,this is really too kind4 ,what right has she to prowl round among ,ernest's things and pry into the state of his wardrobe8 ,if ,i had not had my time so broken up with giving lessons1 ,i should have found out that he needed new shirts and set to work on them4 ,though ,i must own ,i hate shirt-making4 ,i could not help showing that ,i felt aggrieved4 ,martha defended herself by saying that she knew young people would be young people1 and would gad about1 shirts or no shirts4 ,now it is not her fault that she thinks ,i waste my time gadding about1 but ,i am just as angry with her as if she did4 ,oh1 why couldn't ,i have had ,helen1 to be a pleasant companion and friend to me1 instead of this old-well ,i won't say what4 ,and really1 with so much to make me happy1 what would become of me if ,i had no trials8 ,nov4 #ae4-,to-day ,martha has a house-cleaning mania1 and has dragged me into it by representing the sin and misery of those deluded mortals who think servants know how to sweep and to scrub4 ,in spite of my resolution not to get under her thumb1 ,i have somehow let her rule and reign over me to such an extent that ,i can hardly sit up long enough to write this4 ,does the whole duty of woman consist in keeping her house distressingly clean and prim2 in making and baking and preserving and pickling2 in climbing to the top shelves of closets lest haply a little dust should lodge there1 and getting down on her hands and knees to inspect the carpet8 ,the truth is there is not one point of sympathy between ,martha and myself1 not one4 ,one would think that our love to ,ernest would furnish it4 ,but her love aims at the abasement of his character and mine at its elevation4 ,she thinks ,i should bow down to and worship him1 jump up and offer him my chair when he comes in1 feed him with every unwholesome dainty he fancies1 and feel myself honored by his acceptance of these services4 ,i think it is for him to rise and offer me a seat1 because ,i am a woman and his wife2 and that a silly subservience on my part is degrading to him and to myself4 ,and ,i am afraid ,i make known these sentiments to her in a most unpalatable way4 ,nov4 #ah4-,oh1 ,i am so happy that ,i sing for joy6 ,dear ,ernest has given me such a delightful surprise6 ,he says he has persuaded ,james to come and spend his college days here1 and finally study medicine with him4 ,dear1 darling old ,james6 ,he is to be here to-morrow4 ,he is to have the little hall bedroom fitted up for him1 and he will be here several years4 ,next to having mother1 this is the nicest thing that could happen4 ,we love each other so dearly1 and get along so beautifully together ,i wonder how he'll like ,martha with her grim ways1 and ,ernest's father with his melancholy ones4 ,nov4 #cj4-;,james has come1 and the house already seems lighter and cheerier4 ,he is not in the least annoyed by ,martha or her father1 and though he is as jovial as the day is long1 they actually seem to like him4 ,true to her theory on the subject1 ,martha invariably rises at his entrance1 and offers him her seat6 ,he pretends not to see it1 and runs to get one for her6 ,then she takes comfort in seeing him consume her good things1 since his gobbling them down is a sort of tacit tribute to their merits4 ,mrs4 ,embury was here to-day4 ,she says there is not much the matter with ,ernest's father1 that he has only got the hypo4 ,i don't know exactly what this is1 but ,i believe it is thinking something is the matter with you when there isn't4 ,at any rate ,i put it to you1 my dear old journal1 whether it is pleasant to live with people who behave in this way8 ,in the first place all he talks about is his fancied disease4 ,he gets book after book from the office and studies and ponders his case till he grows quite yellow4 ,one day he says he has found out the seat of his disease to be the liver1 and changes his diet to meet that view of the case4 ,martha has to do him up in mustard1 and he takes kindly to blue pills4 ,in a day or two he finds his liver is all right1 but that his brain is all wrong4 ,the mustard goes now to the back of his neck1 and he takes solemn leave of us all1 with the assurance that his last hour has come4 ,finding that he survives the night1 however1 he transfers the seat of his disease to the heart1 spends hours in counting his pulse1 refuses to take exercise lest he should bring on palpitations1 and warns us all to prepare to follow him4 ,everybody who comes in has to hear the whole story1 every one prescribes something1 and he tries each remedy in turn4 ,these all failing to reach his case1 he is plunged into ten-fold gloom4 ,he complains that ,god has cast him off forever1 and that his sins are like the sands of the sea for number4 ,i am such a goose that ,i listen to all these varying moods and symptoms with the solemn conviction that he is going to die immediately2 ,i bathe his head1 and count his pulse1 and fan him1 and take down his dying depositions for ,ernest's solace after he has gone4 ,and ,i talk theology to him by the hour1 while ,martha bakes and brews in the kitchen1 or makes mince pies1 after eating which one might give him the whole ,bible at one dose1 without the smallest effect4 ,to-day ,i stood by his chair1 holding his head and whispering such consoling passages as ,i thought might comfort him1 when ,james burst in1 singing and tossing his cap in the air4 ,come here1 young man1 and hear my last testimony4 ,i am about to die4 ,the end draws near1 were the sepulchral words that made him bring his song to an abrupt close4 ,i shall take it very ill of you1 sir1 quoth ,james1 if you go and die before giving me that cane you promised me4 ,who could die decently under such circumstances8 ,the poor old man revived immediately1 but looked a good deal injured4 ,after ,james had gone out1 he said3 ,it is very painful to one who stands on the very verge of the eternal world to see the young so thoughtless4 ,but ,james is not thoughtless1 ,i said4 ,it is only his merry way4 ,daughter ,katherine1 he went on1 you are very kind to the old man1 and you will have your reward4 ,but ,i wish ,i could feel sure of your state before ,god4 ,i greatly fear you deceive yourself1 and that the ground of your hope is delusive4 ,i felt the blood rush to my face4 ,at first ,i was staggered a good deal4 ,but is a mortal man who cannot judge of his own state to decide mine8 ,it is true he sees my faults2 anybody can1 who looks4 ,but he does not see my prayers1 or my tears of shame and sorrow2 he does not know how many hasty words ,i repress2 how earnestly ,i am aiming1 all the day long1 to do right in all the little details of life4 ,he does not know that it costs my fastidious nature an appeal to ,god every time ,i kiss his poor old face1 and that what would be an act of worship in him is an act of self-denial in me4 ,how should he8 ,the ,christian life is a hidden known only by the eye that seeth in secret4 ,and ,i do believe this life is mine4 ,up to this time ,i have contrived to get along without calling ,ernest's father by any name4 ,i mean now to make myself turn over a new leaf4 ,,december #g4-;,james is my perpetual joy and pride4 ,we read and sing together1 just as we used to do in our old school days4 ,martha sits by1 with her work1 grimly approving2 for is he not a man8 ,and1 as if my cup of felicity were not full enough1 ,i am to have my dear old pastor come here to settle over this church1 and ,i shall once more hear his beloved voice in the pulpit4 ,ernest has managed the whole thing4 ,he says the state of ,dr4 ,c4's health makes the change quite necessary1 and that he can avail himself of the best surgical advice this city affords1 in case his old difficulties recur4 ,i rejoice for myself and for this church1 but mother will miss him sadly4 ,i am leading a very busy1 happy life1 only ,i am1 perhaps1 working a little too hard4 ,what with my scholars1 the extra amount of housework ,martha contrives to get out of me1 the practicing ,i must keep up if ,i am to teach1 and the many steps ,i have to take1 ,i have not only no idle moments1 but none too many for recreation4 ,ernest is so busy himself that he fortunately does not see what a race ,i am running4 ,,january #af1 #ahch4-,the first anniversary of our wedding-day1 and like all days1 has had its lights and its shades4 ,i thought ,i would celebrate it in such a way as to give pleasure to everybody1 and spent a good deal of time in getting up a little gift for each1 from ,ernest and myself4 ,and ,i took special pains to have a good dinner1 particularly for father4 ,yes1 ,i had made up my mind to call him by that sacred name for the first time to-day1 cost what it may4 ,but he shut himself up in his room directly after breakfast1 and when dinner was ready refused to come down4 ,this cast a gloom over us all4 ,then ,martha was nearly distracted because a valuable dish had been broken in the kitchen1 and could not recover her equanimity at all4 ,worst of all ,ernest1 who is not in the least sentimental1 never said a word about our wedding-day1 and didn't give me a thing6 ,i have kept hoping all day that he would make me some little present1 no matter how small1 but now it is too late2 he has gone out to be gone all night1 probably1 and thus ends the day1 an utter failure4 ,i feel a good deal disappointed4 ,besides1 when ,i look back over this my first year of married life1 ,i do not feel satisfied with myself at all4 ,i can't help feeling that ,i have been selfish and unreasonable towards ,ernest in a great many ways1 and as contrary towards ,martha as if ,i enjoyed a state of warfare between us4 ,and ,i have felt a good deal of secret contempt for her father1 with his moods and tenses1 his pill-boxes and his plasters1 his feastings and his fastings4 ,i do not understand how a ,christian can make such slow progress as ,i do1 and how old faults can hang on so4 ,if ,i had made any real progress1 should ,i not be sensible of it8 ,i have been reading over the early part of this journal1 and when ,i came to the conversation ,i had with ,mrs4 ,cabot1 in which ,i made a list of my wants1 ,i was astonished that ,i could ever have had such contemptible ones4 ,let me think what ,i really and truly most want now4 ,first of all1 then1 if ,god should speak to me at this moment and offer to give just one thing1 and that alone1 ,i should say without hesitation1 ,love to ,thee1 ,o my ,master6 ,next to that1 if ,i could have one thing more1 ,i would choose to be a thoroughly unselfish1 devoted wife4 ,down in my secret heart ,i know there lurks another wish1 which ,i am ashamed of4 ,it is that in some way or other1 some right way1 ,i could be delivered from ,martha and her father4 ,i shall never be any better while they are here to tempt me6 ,,february #a4-;,ernest spoke to-day of one of his patients1 a ,mrs4 ,campbell1 who is a great sufferer1 but whom he describes as the happiest1 most cheerful person he ever met4 ,he rarely speaks of his patients4 ,indeed1 he rarely speaks of anything4 ,i felt strangely attracted by what he said of her1 and asked so many questions that at last he proposed to take me to see her4 ,i caught at the idea very eagerly1 and have just come home from the visit greatly moved and touched4 ,she is confined to her bed1 and is quite helpless1 and at times her sufferings are terrible4 ,she received me with a sweet smile1 however1 and led me on to talk more of myself than ,i ought to have done4 ,i wish ,ernest had not left me alone with her1 so that ,i should have had the restraint of his presence4 ,,feb4 #ad4-;,i am so fascinated with ,mrs4 ,campbell that ,i cannot help going to see her again and again4 ,she seems to me like one whose conflict and dismay are all over1 and who looks on other human beings with an almost divine love and pity4 ,to look at life as she does1 to feel as she does1 to have such a personal love to ,christ as she has1 ,i would willingly go through every trial and sorrow4 ,when ,i told her so1 she smiled1 a little sadly4 ,much as you envy me1 she said1 my faith is not yet so strong that ,i do not shudder at the thought of a young enthusiastic girl like you1 going through all ,i have done in order to learn a few simple lessons which ,god was willing to teach me sooner and without the use of a rod1 if ,i had been ready for them4 ,but you are so happy now1 ,i said4 ,yes1 ,i am happy1 she replied1 and such happiness is worth all it costs4 ,if my flesh shudders at the remembrance of what ,i have endured1 my faith sustains ,god through the whole4 ,but tell me a little more about yourself1 my dear4 ,i should so love to give you a helping hand1 if ,i might4 ,you know1 ,i began1 dear ,mrs4 ,campbell1 that there are some trials that cannot do us any good4 ,they only call out all there is in us that is unlovely and severe4 ,i don't know of any such trials1 she replied4 ,suppose you had to live with people who were perfectly uncongenial2 who misunderstood you1 and who were always getting into your way as stumbling-blocks8 ,if ,i were living with them and they made me unhappy1 ,i would ask ,god to relieve me of this trial if ,he thought it best4 ,if ,he did not think it best1 ,i would then try to find out the reason4 ,he might have two reasons4 ,one would be the good they might do me4 ,the other the good ,i might do them4 ,but in the case ,i was supposing1 neither party can be of the least use to the other4 ,you forget perhaps the indirect good one may in by living with uncongenial1 tempting persons4 ,first such people do good by the very self-denial and self-control their mere presence demands4 ,then1 their making one's home less home-like and perfect than it would be in their absence1 may help to render our real home in heaven more attractive4 ,but suppose one cannot exercise self-control1 and is always flying out and flaring up8 ,i objected4 ,i should say that a ,christian who was always doing that1 she replied1 gravely1 was in pressing need of just the trial ,god sent when ,he shut him up to such a life of hourly temptation4 ,we only know ourselves and what we really are1 when the force of circumstances bring us out4 ,it is very mortifying and painful to find how weak one is4 ,that is true4 ,but our mortifications are some of ,god's best physicians1 and do much toward healing our pride and self-conceit4 ,do you really think1 then1 that ,god deliberately appoints to some of ,his children a lot where their worst passions are excited1 with a desire to bring good out of this seeming evil8 ,why ,i have always supposed the best thing that could happen to me1 instance1 would be to have a home exactly to my mind2 a home where all were forbearing1 loving and good-tempered1 a sort of little heaven below4 ,if you have not such a home1 my dear1 are you sure it is not partly your own fault8 ,of course it is my own fault4 ,because ,i am very quick-tempered ,i want to live with good-tempered people4 ,that is very benevolent in you1 she said1 archly4 ,i colored1 but went on4 ,oh1 ,i know ,i am selfish4 ,and therefore ,i want live with those who are not so4 ,i want to live with persons to whom ,i can look for an example1 and who will constantly stimulate me to something higher4 ,but if ,god chooses quite another lot for you1 you may be sure that ,he sees that you need something totally different from what you want4 ,you just now that you would gladly go through any trial in order to attain a personal love to ,christ that should become the ruling principle of your life4 ,now as soon as ,god sees this desire in you1 is ,he not kind1 is ,he not wise1 in appointing such trials as ,he knows will lead to this end8 ,i meditated long before ,i answered4 ,was ,god really asking me not merely to let ,martha and her father live with me on sufferance1 but to rejoice that ,he had seen fit to let them harass and embitter my domestic life8 ,i thank you for the suggestion1 ,i said1 at last4 ,i want to say one thing more1 ,mrs4 ,campbell resumed1 after another pause4 ,we look at our fellow-men too much from the standpoint of our own prejudices4 ,they may be wrong1 they may have their faults and foibles1 they may call out all that is meanest and most hateful in us4 ,but they are not all wrong2 they have their virtues1 and when they excite our bad passions by their own1 they may be as ashamed and sorry as we are irritated4 ,and ,i think some of the best1 most contrite1 most useful of men and women1 whose prayers prevail with ,god1 and bring down blessings into the homes in which they dwell often possess unlovely traits that furnish them with their best discipline4 ,the very fact that they are ashamed of themselves drives them to ,god2 they feel safe in ,his presence1 and while they lie in the very dust of self-confusion at ,his feet they are dear to ,him and have power with ,him4 ,that is a comforting word1 and ,i thank you for it1 ,i said4 ,my heart was full1 and ,i longed to stay and hear her talk on4 ,but ,i had already exhausted her strength4 ,on the way home ,i felt as ,i suppose people do when they have caught a basketful of fish4 ,i always am delighted to catch a new idea2 ,i thought ,i would get all the benefit out of ,martha and her father1 and as ,i went down to tea1 after taking off my things1 felt like a holy martyr who had as good as won a crown4 ,i found1 however1 that the butter was horrible4 ,martha had insisted that she alone was capable of selecting that article1 and had ordered a quantity from her own village which ,i could not eat myself and was ashamed to have on my table4 ,i pushed back my plate in disgust4 ,i hope1 ,martha1 that you have not ordered much of this odious stuff6 ,i cried4 ,martha replied that it was of the very first quality1 and appealed to her father and ,ernest1 who both agreed with her1 which ,i thought very unkind and unjust4 ,i rushed into a hot debate on the subject1 during which ,ernest maintained that ominous silence that indicates his not being pleased1 and it irritated and led me on4 ,i would far rather he should say1 ,katy1 you are behaving like a child and ,i wish you would stop talking4 ,martha1 ,i said1 you will persist that the butter is good1 because you ordered it4 ,if you will only own that1 ,i won't say another word4 ,i can't say it1 she returned4 ,mrs4 ,jones' butter is invariably good4 ,i never heard it found fault with before4 ,the trouble is you are so hard to please4 ,no1 ,i am not4 ,and you can't convince me that if the buttermilk is not perfectly worked out1 the butter could be fit to eat4 ,this speech ,i felt to be a masterpiece4 ,it was time to let her know how learned ,i was on the subject of butter1 though ,i wasn't brought up to make it or see it made4 ,but here ,ernest put in a little oil4 ,i think you are both right1 he said4 ,mrs4 ,jones makes good butter1 but just this once she failed4 ,i dare say it won't happen again1 and mean while this can be used for making seed-cakes1 and we can get a new supply4 ,this was his masterpiece4 ,a whole firkin of butter made up into seed-cakes6 ,martha turned to encounter him on that head1 and ,i slipped off to my room to look1 with a miserable sense of disappointment1 at my folly and weakness in making so much ado about nothing4 ,i find it hard to believe that it can do me good to have people live with me who like rancid butter1 and who disagree with me in everything else4 ,chapter #ac ,,xiii4 ,,march #a4 ,,aunty sent for us all to dine with her to-day to celebrate ,lucy's fifteenth birthday4 ,ever since ,lucy behaved so heroically in regard to little ,emma1 really saving her life1 ,ernest says ,aunty seems to feel that she cannot do enough for her4 ,the child has taken the most unaccountable fancy to me1 strangely enough1 and when we got there she came to meet me with something like cordiality4 ,mamma permits me to be the bearer of agreeable news1 she said1 because this is my birthday4 ,a friend1 of whom you are very fond1 has just arrived1 and is impatient to embrace you4 ,to embrace me8 ,i cried4 ,you foolish child6 ,and the next moment ,i found myself in my mother's arms6 ,the despised ,lucy had been the means of giving me this pleasure4 ,it seems that ,aunty had told her she should choose her own birthday treat1 and that1 after solemn meditation1 she had decided that to see dear mother again would be the most agreeable thing she could think of4 ,i have never told you1 dear journal1 why ,i did not go home last summer1 and never shall4 ,if you choose to fancy that ,i couldn't afford it you can6 ,well6 wasn't it nice to see mother1 and to read in her dear1 loving face that she was satisfied with her poor1 wayward ,katy1 and fond of her as ever6 ,i only longed for ,ernest's coming1 that she might see us together1 and see how he loved me4 ,he came2 ,i rushed out to meet him and dragged him in4 ,but it seemed as if he had grown stupid and awkward4 ,all through the dinner ,i watched for one of those loving glances which should proclaim to mother the good understanding between us1 but watched in vain4 ,it will come by and by1 ,i thought4 ,when we get by ourselves mother will see how fond of me he is4 ,but by and by it was just the same4 ,i was preoccupied1 and mother asked me if ,i were well4 ,it was all very foolish ,i dare say1 and yet ,i did want to have her know that with all my faults he still loves me4 ,then1 besides this disappointment1 ,i have to reproach myself for misunderstanding poor ,lucy as ,i have done4 ,because she was not all fire and fury like myself1 ,i need not have assumed that she had no heart4 ,it is just like me2 ,i hope ,i shall never be so severe in my judgment again4 ,,april #cj4-,mother has just gone4 ,her visit has done me a world of good4 ,she found out something to like in father at once1 and then something good in ,martha4 ,she says father's sufferings are real1 not fancied2 that his error is not knowing where to locate his disease1 and is starving one week and over-eating the next4 ,she charged me not to lay up future misery for myself by misjudging him now1 and to treat him as a daughter ought without the smallest regard to his appreciation of it4 ,then as to ,martha1 she declares that ,i have no idea how much she does to reduce our expenses1 to keep the house in order and to relieve us from care4 ,but1 mother1 ,i said1 did you notice what horrid butter we have8 ,and it is all her doing4 ,but the butter won't last forever1 she replied4 ,don't make yourself miserable about such a trifle4 ,for my part1 it is a great relief to me to know that with your delicate health you have this tower of strength to lean on4 ,but my health is not delicate1 mother4 ,you certainly look pale and thin4 ,oh1 well1 ,i said1 whereupon she fell to giving me all sorts of advice about getting up on step-ladders1 and climbing on chairs1 and sewing too much and all that4 ,,june #ae4-,the weather1 or something1 makes me rather languid and stupid4 ,i begin to think that ,martha is not an entire nuisance in the house4 ,i have just been to see ,mrs4 ,campbell4 ,in answer to my routine of lamentations1 she took up a book and read me what was called1 as nearly as ,i can remember1 ,four steps that lead to peace4 ,be desirous of doing the will of another rather than thine own4 ,choose always to have less1 rather than more4 ,seek always the lowest place1 and to be inferior to every one4 ,wish always1 and pray1 that the will of ,god may be wholly fulfilled in thee4 ,i was much struck with these directions2 but ,i said1 despondently3 ,if peace can only be found at the end of such hard roads1 ,i am sure ,i shall always be miserable4 ,are you miserable now8 she asked4 ,yes1 just now ,i am4 ,i do not mean that ,i have no happiness2 ,i mean that ,i am in a disheartened mood1 weary of going round and round in circles1 committing the same sins1 uttering the same confessions1 and making no advance4 ,my dear1 she said1 after a time1 have you a perfectly distinct1 settled view of what ,christ is to the human soul8 ,i do not know4 ,i understand1 of course1 more or less perfectly1 that my salvation depends on ,him alone2 it is ,his gift4 ,but do you see1 with equal clearness1 that your sanctification must be as fully ,his gift1 as your salvation is8 ,no1 ,i said1 after a little thought4 ,i have had a feeling that ,he has done ,his part1 and now ,i must do mine4 ,my dear1 she said1 with much tenderness and feeling1 then the first thing you have to do is to learn ,christ4 ,but how8 ,on your knees1 my child1 on your knees6 ,she was tired1 and ,i came away2 and ,i have indeed been on my knees4 ,,july #a4-;,i think that ,i do begin1 dimly it is true1 but really1 to understand that this terrible work which ,i was trying to do myself1 is ,christ's work1 and must be done and will be done by ,him4 ,i take some pleasure in the thought1 and wonder why it has all this time been hidden from me1 especially after what ,dr4 ,c4 said in his letter4 ,but ,i get hold of this idea in a misty1 unsatisfactory way4 ,if ,christ is to do all1 what am ,i to do8 ,and have ,i not been told1 over and over again1 that the ,christian life is one of conflict1 and that ,i am to fight like a good soldier8 ,,august #e4-;,dr4 ,cabot has come just as ,i need him most4 ,i long for one of those good talks with him which always used to strengthen me so4 ,i feel a perfect weight of depression that makes me a burden to myself and to poor ,ernest1 who1 after visiting sick people all day1 needs to come home to a cheerful wife4 ,but he comforts me with the assurance that this is merely physical despondency1 and that ,i shall get over it by and by4 ,how kind1 how even tender he is6 ,my heart is getting all it wants from him1 only ,i am too stupid to enjoy him as ,i ought4 ,father1 too1 talks far less about his own bad feelings1 and seems greatly concerned at mine4 ,as to ,martha ,i have done trying to get sympathy or love from her4 ,she cannot help it1 ,i suppose1 but she is very hard and dry towards me1 and ,i feel such a longing to throw myself on her mercy1 and to have one little smile to assure me that she has forgiven me for being ,ernest's wife1 and so different from what she would have chosen for him4 ,dr4 ,elliott to ,mrs4 ,mortimer3 ,,october #d1 #ahch4 ,my dear ,katy's ,mother--,you will rejoice with us when ,i tell you that we are the happy parents of a very fine little boy4 ,my dearest wife sends an ocean of love to you1 and says she will write her self to-morrow4 ,that ,i shall not be very likely to allow1 as you will imagine4 ,she is doing extremely well1 and we have everything to be grateful for4 ,your affectionate ,son1 ,j4 ,e4 ,,elliott4 ,mrs4 ,crofton to ,mrs4 ,mortimer3 ,i am sure1 my dear sister1 that the doctor has not written you more than five lines about the great event which has made such a stir in our domestic circle4 ,so ,i must try to supply the details you will want to hear4444 ,i need not add that our darling ,katy behaved nobly4 ,her self-forgetfulness and consideration for others were really beautiful throughout the whole scene4 ,the doctor may well be proud of her1 and ,i took care to tell him so ill presence of that dreadful sister of his4 ,i never met so angular1 so uncompromising a person as she is in all my life4 ,she does not understand ,katy1 and never can1 and ,i find it hard to realize that living with such a person can furnish a wholesome discipline1 which is even more desirable than the most delightful home4 ,and yet ,i not only know that is true in the abstract1 but ,i see that it is so in the fact4 ,katy is acquiring both self-control and patience and her ,christian character is developing in a way that amazes me4 ,i cannot but hope that ,god will1 in time1 deliver her from this trial2 indeed1 feel sure that when it has done its beneficent work ,he will do so4 ,martha ,elliott is a good woman1 but her goodness is without grace or beauty4 ,she takes excellent care of ,katy1 keeps her looking as if she had just come out of a band-box1 as the saying and always has her room in perfect order4 ,but one misses the loving word1 the re-assuring smile1 the delicate1 thoughtful little forbearance1 that ought to adorn every sick-room1 and light it up with genuine sunshine4 ,there is one comfort about it1 however1 and that is that ,i can spoil dear ,katy to my heart's content4 ,as to the baby1 he is a fine little fellow1 and his mother is so happy in him that she can afford to do without some other pleasures4 ,i shall write again in a few days4 ,meanwhile1 you may rest assured that ,i love your ,katy almost as well as you do1 and shall be with her most of the time till she is quite herself again4 ,james to his mother3 ,of course there never was such a baby before on the face of the earth4 ,katy is so nearly wild with joy1 that you can't get her to eat or sleep or do any of the proper things that her charming sister-in-law thinks becoming under the circumstances4 ,you never saw anything so pretty in your life1 as she is now4 ,i hope the doctor is as much in love with her as ,i am4 ,he is the best fellow in the world1 and ,katy is just the wife for him4 ,nov4 #d4-,my darling baby is a month old to-day4 ,i never saw such a splendid child4 ,i love him so that ,i lie awake nights to watch him4 ,martha says1 in her dry way1 that ,i had better show my love by sleeping and eating for him1 and ,ernest says ,i shall1 as soon as ,i get stronger4 ,but ,i don't get strong1 and that discourages me4 ,nov4 #bf4-;,i begin to feel rather more like myself1 and as if ,i could write with less labor4 ,i have had in these few past weeks such a revelation of suffering1 and such a revelation of joy1 as mortal mind can hardly conceive of4 ,the world ,i live in now is a new world2 a world full of suffering that leads to unutterable felicity4 ,oh1 this precious1 precious baby6 ,how can ,i thank ,god enough for giving him to me6 ,i see now why ,he has put some thorns into my domestic life2 but for them ,i should be too happy to live4 ,it does not seem just the moment to complain1 and yet1 as ,i can speak to no one1 it is a relief1 a great relief1 to write about my trials4 ,during my whole sickness1 ,martha has been so hard1 so cold1 so unsympathizing that sometimes it has seemed as if my cup of trial could not hold another drop4 ,she routed me out of bed when ,i was so languid that everything seemed a burden1 and when sitting up made me faint away4 ,i heard her say to herself1 that ,i had no constitution and had no business to get married4 ,the worst of all is that during that dreadful night before baby came1 she kept asking ,ernest to lie down and rest1 and was sure he would kill himself1 and all that1 while she had not one word of pity for me4 ,but1 oh1 why need ,i let this rankle in my heart6 ,why cannot ,i turn my thoughts entirely to my darling baby1 my dear husband1 and all the other sources of joy that make my home a happy one in spite of this one discomfort6 ,i hope ,i am learning some useful lessons from my joys and from my trials1 and that both will serve to make me in earnest1 and to keep me so4 ,,dec4 #d4-,we have had a great time about poor baby's name4 ,i expected to call him ,raymond1 for my own dear father1 as a matter of course4 ,it seemed a small gratification for mother in her loneliness4 ,dear mother6 ,how little ,i have known all these years what ,i cost her6 ,but it seems there has been a ,jotham in the family ever since the memory of man1 each eldest son handing down his father's name to the next in descent1 and ,ernest's real name is ,jotham ,ernest--of all the extraordinary combinations6 ,his mother would add the latter name in spite of everything4 ,ernest behaved very well through the whole affair1 and said he had no feeling about it all4 ,but he was so gratified when ,i decided to keep up the family custom that ,i feel rewarded for the sacrifice4 ,father is in one of his gloomiest moods4 ,as ,i sat caressing baby to-day he said to me3 ,daughter ,katherine1 ,i trust you make it a subject of prayer to ,god that you may be kept from idolatry4 ,no1 father1 ,i returned1 ,i never do4 ,an idol is something one puts in ,god's place1 and ,i don't put baby there4 ,he shook his head and said the heart is deceitful above all things1 and desperately wicked4 ,i have heard mother say that we might love an earthly object as much as we pleased1 if we only love ,god better4 ,i might have added1 but of course ,i didn't2 that ,i prayed every day that ,i might love ,ernest and baby better and better4 ,poor father seemed puzzled and troubled by what ,i did say1 and after musing a while1 went on thus3 ,the ,almighty is a great and terrible ,being4 ,he cannot bear a rival2 ,he will have the whole heart or none of it4 ,when ,i see a young woman so absorbed in a created being as you are in that infant1 and in your other friends1 ,i tremble for you1 ,i tremble for you6 ,but1 father1 ,i persisted1 ,god gave me this child1 and ,he gave me my heart1 just as it is4 ,yes2 and that heart needs renewing4 ,i hope it is renewed1 ,i replied4 ,but ,i know there is a great work still to be done in it4 ,and the more effectually it is done the more loving ,i shall grow4 ,don't you see1 father8 ,don't you see that the more ,christ-like ,i become the more ,i shall be filled with love for every living thing8 ,he shook his head1 but pondered long1 as he always does1 on whatever he considers audacious4 ,as for me1 ,i am vexed with my presumption in disputing with him1 and am sure1 too1 that ,i was trying to show off what little wisdom ,i have picked up4 ,besides1 my mountain does not stand so strong as it did4 ,perhaps ,i am making idols out of ,ernest and the baby4 ,,january #af1 #ahci4-,this is our second wedding day4 ,i did not expect much from it1 after last year's failure4 ,father was very gloomy at breakfast1 and retired to his room directly after it4 ,no one could get in to make his bed1 and he would not come down to dinner4 ,i wonder ,ernest lets him go on so4 ,but his rule seems to be to let everybody have their own way4 ,he certainly lets me have mine4 ,after dinner he gave me a book ,i have been wanting for some time1 and had asked him for-,the ,imitation of ,christ4 ,ever since that day at ,mrs4 ,campbell's ,i have felt that ,i should like it1 though ,i did think1 in old times1 that it preached too hard a doctrine4 ,i read aloud to him the ,four ,steps to ,peace2 he said they were admirable1 and then took it from me and began reading to himself1 here and there4 ,i felt the precious moments when ,i had got him all to myself were passing away1 and was becoming quite out of patience with him when the words ,constantly seek to have less1 rather than more1 flashed into my mind4 ,i suppose this direction had reference to worldly good1 but ,i despise money1 and despise people who love it4 ,the riches ,i crave are not silver and gold1 but my husband's love and esteem4 ,and of these must ,i desire to have less rather than more8 ,i puzzled myself over this question in vain1 but when ,i silently prayed to be satisfied with just what ,god chose to give me of the wealth ,i crave1 yes1 hunger and thirst for1 ,i certainly felt a sweet content1 for the time1 at least1 that was quite resting and quieting4 ,and just as ,i had reached that acquiescent mood ,ernest threw down his book1 and came and caught me in his arms4 ,i thank ,god1 he said1 my precious wife1 that ,i married you this day4 ,the wisest thing ,i ever did was when ,i fell in love with you and made a fool of myself6 ,what a speech for my silent old darling to make6 ,whenever he says and does a thing out of character1 and takes me all by surprise1 how delightful he is6 ,now the world is a beautiful world1 and so is everybody in it4 ,i met ,martha on the stairs after ,ernest had gone1 and caught her and kissed her4 ,she looked perfectly astonished4 ,what spirits the child has6 ,i heard her whisper to herself2 no sooner down than up again4 ,and she sighed4 ,can it be that under that stern and hard crust there lie hidden affections and perhaps hidden sorrows8 ,i ran back and asked1 as kindly as ,i could1 ,what makes you sigh1 ,martha8 ,is anything troubling you8 ,have ,i done anything to annoy you8 ,you do the best you can1 she said1 and pushed past me to her own room4 ,chapter #ad ,,xiv4 ,,jan4 #cj4 ,,who would have thought ,i would have anything more to do with poor old ,susan ,green8 ,dr4 ,cabot came to see me to-day1 and told me the strangest thing6 ,it seems that the nurse who performed the last offices for her was taken sick about six months ago1 and that ,dr4 ,cabot visited her from time to time4 ,her physician said she needed nothing but rest and good1 nourishing food to restore her strength1 yet she did not improve at all1 and at last it came out that she was not taking the food the doctor ordered1 because she could not afford to do so1 having lost what little money she had contrived to save4 ,dr4 ,cabot1 on learning this1 gave her enough out of ,susan's legacy to meet her case1 and in doing so told her about that extraordinary will4 ,the nurse then assured him that when she reached ,susan's room and found the state that she was in1 and that ,i was praying with her1 she had remained waiting in silence1 fearing to interrupt me4 ,she saw me faint1 and sprang forward just in time to catch me and keep me from falling4 ,i take great pleasure1 therefore1 ,dr4 ,cabot continued1 in making over ,susan's little property to you1 to whom it belongs2 and ,i cannot help congratulating you that you have had the honor and the privilege of perhaps leading that poor1 benighted soul to ,christ1 even at the eleventh hour4 ,oh1 ,dr4 ,cabot1 ,i cried1 what a relief it is to hear you say that6 ,for ,i have always reproached myself for the cowardice that made me afraid to speak to her of her ,saviour4 ,it takes less courage to speak to ,god than to man4 ,it is my belief1 replied ,dr4 ,cabot1 that every prayer offered in the name of ,jesus is sure to have its answer4 ,every such prayer is dictated by the ,holy ,spirit1 and therefore finds acceptance with ,god2 and if your cry for mercy on poor ,susan's soul did not prevail with ,him in her behalf1 as we may hope it did1 then ,he has answered it in some other way4 ,these words impressed me very much4 ,to think that every one of my poor prayers is answered6 ,every one6 ,dr4 ,cabot then returned to the subject of ,susan's will1 and in spite of all ,i could say to the contrary1 insisted that he had no legal right to this money1 and that ,i had4 ,he said he hoped that it would help to relieve us from some of the petty economies now rendered necessary by ,ernest's struggle to meet his father's liabilities4 ,instantly my idol was rudely thrown down from his pedestal4 ,how could he reveal to ,dr4 ,cabot a secret he had pretended it cost him so much to confide to me1 his wife8 ,i could hardly restrain tears of shame and vexation1 but did control myself so far as to say that ,i would sooner die than appropriate ,susan's hard earnings to such a purpose1 and that ,i should use it for the poor1 as ,i was sure he would have done4 ,he then advised me to invest the principal1 and use the interest from year to year1 as occasions presented themselves4 ,so1 ,i shall have more than a hundred dollars to give away each year1 as long as ,i live6 ,how perfectly delightful6 ,i can hardly conceive of anything that give me so much pleasure6 ,poor old ,susan6 ,how many hearts she shall cause to sing for joy6 ,feb4 #be4-,things have not gone on well of late4 ,dearly as ,i love ,ernest1 he has lowered himself in my eye by telling that to ,dr4 ,cabot4 ,it would have been far nobler to be silent concerning his sacrifices2 and he certainly grows harder1 graver1 sterner every day4 ,he is all shut up within himself1 and ,i am growing afraid of him4 ,it must be that he is bitterly disappointed in me1 and takes refuge in this awful silence4 ,oh1 if ,i could only please him1 and know that ,i pleased him1 how different my life would be6 ,baby does not seem well4 ,i have often plumed myself on the thought that having a doctor for his father would be such an advantage to him1 as he would be ready 'to attack the first symptoms of disease4 ,but ,ernest hardly listens to me when ,i express anxiety about this or that1 and if ,i ask a question he replies1 ,oh1 you know better than ,i do4 ,mothers know by instinct how to manage babies4 ,but ,i do not know by instinct1 or in any other way1 and ,i often wish that the time ,i spent over my music had been spent learning how to meet all the little emergencies that are constantly arising since baby came4 ,how ,i used to laugh in my sleeve at those anxious mothers who lived near us and always seemed to be in hot water4 ,martha will take baby when ,i have other things to attend to1 and she keeps him every ,sunday afternoon that ,i may go to church1 but she knows no more about his physical training than ,i do4 ,if my dear mother were only here6 ,i feel a good deal worn out4 ,what with the care of baby1 who is restless at night1 and with whom ,i walk about lest he should keep ,ernest awake1 the depressing influence of father's presence1 ,martha's disdain1 and ,ernest keeping so aloof from me1 life seems to me little better than a burden that ,i have not strength to carry and would gladly lay down4 ,,march #c4-;,if it were not for ,james ,i believe ,i should sink4 ,he is so kind and affectionate1 so ready to fill up the gaps ,ernest leaves empty1 and is so sunshiny and gay that ,i cannot be entirely sad4 ,baby1 too1 is a precious treasure2 it would be wicked to cloud his little life with my depression4 ,i try to look at him always with a smiling face1 for he already distinguishes between a cheerful and a sad countenance4 ,i am sure that there is something in ,christ's gospel that would soothe and sustain me amid these varied trials1 if ,i only knew what it is1 and how to put forth my hand and take it4 ,but as it is ,i feel very desolate4 ,ernest often congratulates me on having had such a good night's rest1 when ,i have been up and down every hour with baby1 half asleep frozen and exhausted4 ,but he shall sleep at any rate4 ,april #e4-,the first rays of spring make me more languid than ever4 ,martha cannot be made to understand that nursing such a large1 voracious baby1 losing sleep1 and confinement within doors1 are enough to account for this4 ,she is constantly speaking in terms of praise of those who keep up even when they do feel a little out of sorts1 and says she always does4 ,in the evening1 after baby gets to sleep1 ,i feel fit for nothing but to lie on the sofa1 dozing2 but she sees in this only a lazy habit1 which ought not to be tolerated1 and is constantly devising ways to rouse and set me at work4 ,if ,i had more leisure for reading1 meditation and prayer1 ,i might still be happy4 ,but all the morning1 ,i must have baby till he takes his nap1 and as soon as he gets to sleep ,i must put my room in order1 and by that time all the best part of the day is gone4 ,and at night ,i am so tired that ,i can hardly feel anything but my weariness4 ,that1 too1 is my only chance of seeing ,ernest and if ,i lock my door and fall upon my knees1 ,i keep listening for his step1 ready to spring to welcome should he come4 ,this is wrong1 ,i know1 but how can ,i live without one loving word from him1 and every day ,i am hoping it will come4 ,,may #b-;,aunty was here to-day4 ,i had not seen her for some weeks4 ,she exclaimed at my looks in a tone that seemed to upbraid ,ernest and ,martha though of course she did not mean to do that4 ,you are not fit to have the whole care of that great boy at night1 said she1 and you ought to begin to feed him1 both for his sake and your own4 ,i am willing to take the child at night1 ,martha said1 a little stiffly4 ,but ,i supposed his mother preferred to keep him herself4 ,and so ,i do1 ,i cried4 ,i should be perfectly miserable if ,i had to give him up just as he is getting teeth1 and so wakeful4 ,what are you taking to keep up your strength1 dear8 asked ,aunty4 ,nothing in particular1 ,i said4 ,very well1 it is time the doctor looked after that1 she cried4 ,it really never will do to let you run down in this way4 ,let me look at baby4 ,why1 my child1 his gums need lancing4 ,so ,i have told ,ernest half a dozen times1 ,i declared4 ,but he is always in a hurry1 and says another time will do4 ,i hope baby won't have convulsions while he is waiting for that other time1 said ,aunty1 looking almost savagely at ,martha4 ,i never saw ,aunty so nearly out of humor4 ,at dinner ,martha began4 ,i think1 brother1 the baby needs attention4 ,mrs4 ,crofton has been here and says so4 ,and she seems to find ,katherine run down4 ,i am sure if ,i had known it ,i should have taken her in hand and built her up4 ,but she did not complain4 ,she never complains1 father here put in1 calling all the blood ,i had into my face1 my heart so leaped for joy at his kind word4 ,ernest looked at me and caught the illumination of my face4 ,you look well1 dear1 he said4 ,but if you do not feel so you ought to tell us4 ,as to baby1 ,i will attend to him directly4 ,so ,martha's one word prevailed where my twenty fell to the ground4 ,baby is much relieved1 and has fallen into a sweet sleep4 ,and ,i have had time to carry my tired1 oppressed heart to my compassionate ,saviour1 and to tell ,him what ,i cannot utter to any human ear4 ,how strange it is that when1 through many years of leisure and strength1 prayer was only a task1 it is now my chief solace if ,i can only snatch time for it4 ,mrs4 ,embury has a little daughter4 ,how glad ,i am for her6 ,she is going to give it my name4 ,that is a real pleasure4 ,,july #d4-;,baby is ten months old to-day1 and in spite of everything is bright and well4 ,i have come home to mother4 ,ernest waked up at last to see that something must be done1 and when he is awake he is very wide awake4 ,so he brought me home4 ,dear mother is perfectly delighted1 only she will make an ado about my health4 ,but ,i feel a good deal better1 and think ,i shall get nicely rested here4 ,how pleasant it is to feel myself watched by friendly eyes1 my faults excused and forgiven1 and what is best in me called out4 ,i have been writing to ,ernest1 and have told him honestly how annoyed and pained ,i was at learning that he had told his secret to ,dr4 ,cabot4 ,,july #ab4-;,ernest writes that he has had no communication with ,dr4 ,cabot or any one else on subject that1 touching his father's honor as it does1 he regards as a sacred one4 ,you say1 dear1 he said1 you often say1 that ,i do not understand you4 ,are you sure that you understand me8 ,of course ,i don't4 ,how can ,i8 ,how can ,i reconcile his marrying me and professing to do it with delight1 with his indifference to my society1 his reserve1 his carelessness about my health8 ,but his letters are very kind1 and really warmer than he is4 ,i can hardly wait for them1 and then1 though my pride bids me to be reticent as he is1 my heart runs away with me1 and ,i pour out upon him such floods of affection that ,i am sure he is half drowned4 ,mother says baby is splendid4 ,,august #a4-,when ,i took leave of ,ernest ,i was glad to get away4 ,i thought he would perhaps find after ,i was gone that he missed something out of his life and would welcome me home with a little of the old love4 ,but ,i did not dream that he would not find it easy to do without me till summer was over1 and when1 this morning1 he came suddenly upon us1 carpet-bag in hand1 ,i could do nothing but cry in his arms like a tired child4 ,and now ,i had the silly triumph of having mother see that he loved me6 ,how could you get away8 ,i asked at last4 ,and what made you come8 ,and how long can you stay8 ,i could get away because ,i would1 he replied4 ,and ,i came because ,i wanted to come4 ,and ,i can stay three days4 ,three days of ,ernest all to myself6 ,,august #e4-;,he has gone1 but he has left behind him a happy wife and the memory of three happy days4 ,after the first joy of our meeting was over1 we had time for just such nice long talks as ,i delight in4 ,ernest began by upbraiding me a little for my injustice in fancying he had betrayed his father to ,dr4 ,cabot4 ,that is not all1 ,i interrupted1 ,i even thought you had made a boast of the sacrifices you were making4 ,that explains your coldness1 he returned4 ,my coldness6 ,of all the ridiculous things in the world6 ,i cried4 ,you were cold1 for you and ,i felt it4 ,don't you know that we undemonstrative men prefer loving winsome little women like you1 just because you are our own opposites8 ,and when the pet kitten turns into a cat with claws4 ,now1 ,ernest1 that is really too bad6 ,to compare me to a cat6 ,you certainly did say some sharp things to me about that time4 ,did ,i1 really8 ,oh1 ,ernest1 how could ,i8 ,and it was at a moment when ,i particularly needed your help4 ,but do not let us dwell upon it4 ,we love each other2 we are both trying to do right in all the details of life4 ,i do not think we shall ever get very far apart4 ,but1 ,ernest-tell me-are you very1 very much disappointed in me8 ,disappointed8 ,why1 ,katy6 ,then what did make you seem so indifferent8 ,what made you so slow to observe how miserably ,i was1 as to health8 ,did ,i seem indifferent8 ,i am sure ,i never loved you better4 ,as to your health1 ,i am ashamed of myself4 ,i ought to have seen how feeble you were4 ,but the truth is1 ,i was deceived by your bright ways with baby4 ,for him you were all smiles and gayety4 ,that was from principle1 ,i said1 and felt a good deal elated as ,i made the announcement4 ,he fell into a fit of musing1 and none of my usual devices for arousing him had any effect4 ,i pulled his hair and his ears1 and shook him1 but he remained unmoved4 ,at last he began again4 ,perhaps ,i owe it to you1 dear1 to tell you that when ,i brought my father and sister home to live with us1 ,i did not dream how trying a thing it would be to you4 ,i did not know that he was a confirmed invalid1 or that she would prove to possess a nature so entirely antagonistic to yours4 ,i thought my father would interest himself in reading1 visiting1 etc1 as he used to do4 ,and ,i thought ,martha's judgment would be of service to you1 while her household skill would relieve you of some care4 ,but the whole thing has proved a failure4 ,i am harassed by the sight of my father1 sitting there in his corner so penetrated with gloom2 ,i reproach myself for it1 but ,i almost dread coming home4 ,when a man has been all day encompassed with sounds and sights of suffering1 he naturally longs for cheerful faces and cheerful voices in his own house4 ,then ,martha's pertinacious-,i won't say hostility to my little wife-what shall ,i call it8 ,it is only want of sympathy4 ,she is too really good to be hostile to any one4 ,thank you1 my darling1 he said1 ,i believe you do her justice4 ,i am afraid ,i have not been as forbearing with her as ,i ought1 ,i said4 ,but1 oh1 ,ernest1 it is because ,i have been jealous of her all along6 ,that is really too absurd4 ,you certainly have treated her with more deference than you have me4 ,you looked up to her and looked down upon me4 ,at least it seemed so4 ,my dear child1 you have misunderstood the whole thing4 ,i gave ,martha just what she wanted most2 she likes to be looked up to4 ,and ,i gave you what ,i thought you wanted most1 my tenderest love4 ,and ,i expected that ,i should have your sympathy amid the trials with which ,i am burdened1 and that with your strong nature ,i might look to you to help me bear them4 ,i know you have the worst of it1 dear child1 but then you have twice my strength4 ,i believe women almost always have more than men4 ,i have1 indeed1 misunderstood you4 ,i thought you liked to have them here1 and that ,martha's not fancying me influenced you against me4 ,but now ,i know just what you want of me1 and ,i can give it1 darling4 ,after this all our cloud melted away4 ,i only long to go home and show ,ernest that he shall have one cheerful face about him1 and have one cheerful voice4 ,,august #ab4-;,i have had a long letter from ,ernest to-day4 ,he says he hopes he has not been selfish and unkind in speaking of his father and sister as he has done1 because he truly loves and honors them both1 and wants me to do so1 if ,i can4 ,his father had called them up twice to see him die and to receive his last messages4 ,this always happens when ,ernest has been up all the previous night2 there seems a fatality about it4 ,chapter #ae ,,xv4 ,,october #d ,,home again1 and with my dear ,ernest delighted to see me4 ,baby is a year old to-day1 and1 as usual1 father1 who seems to abhor anything like a merry-making1 took himself off to his room4 ,to-morrow he will be all the worse for it1 and will be sure to have a theological battle with somebody4 ,,october #e4-,the somebody was his daughter ,katherine1 as usual4 ,baby was asleep in my lap and ,i reached out for a book which proved to be a volume of ,shakespeare which had done long service as an ornament to the table1 but which nobody ever read on account of the small print4 ,the battle then began thus3 ,father4-,i regret to see that worldly author in your hands1 my daughter4 ,daughter-a little mischievously4-,why1 were you wanting to talk1 father8 ,no1 ,i am too feeble to talk to-day4 ,my pulse is very weak4 ,let me read aloud to you1 then4 ,not from that profane book4 ,it would do you good4 ,you never take any recreation4 ,do let me read a little4 ,father gets nervous4 ,recreation is a snare4 ,i must keep my soul ever fixed on divine things4 ,but can you8 ,no1 alas1 no4 ,it is my grief and shame that ,i do not4 ,but if you would indulge yourself in a little harmless mirth now and then1 your mind would get rested and you would return to divine things with fresh zeal4 ,why should not the mind have its seasons of rest as well as the body8 ,we shall have time to rest in heaven4 ,our business here on earth is to be sober and vigilant because of our adversary2 not to be reading plays4 ,i don't make reading plays my business1 dear father4 ,i make it my rest and amusement4 ,christians do not need amusement2 they find rest1 refreshment1 all they want1 in ,god4 ,do you1 father8 ,alas1 no4 ,he seems a great way off4 ,to me ,he seems very near4 ,so near that ,he can see every thought of my heart4 ,dear father1 it is your disease that makes everything so unreal to you4 ,god is really so near1 really loves us so2 is so sorry for us6 ,and it seems hard1 when you are so good1 and so intent on pleasing ,him1 that you get no comfort out of ,him4 ,i am not good1 my daughter ,i am a vile worm of the dust4 ,well1 ,god is good1 at any rate1 and ,he would never have sent ,his ,son to die for you if ,he did not love you4 ,so then ,i began to sing4 ,father likes to hear me sing1 and the sweet sense ,i had that all ,i had been saying was true and more than true1 made me sing with joyful heart4 ,i hope it is not a mere miserable presumption that makes me dare to talk so to poor father4 ,of course1 he is ten times better than ,i am1 and knows ten times as much1 but his disease1 whatever it is1 keeps his mind befogged4 ,i mean to begin now to pray that light may shine into his soul4 ,it would be delightful to see the peace of ,god shining in that pale1 stern face4 ,,march #bh4-;,it is almost six months since ,i wrote that4 ,about the middle of ,october father had one of his ill turns one night1 and we were all called up4 ,he asked for me particularly1 and ,ernest came for me at last4 ,he was a good deal agitated1 and would not stop to half dress myself1 and as ,i had a slight cold already1 ,i suppose ,i added to it then4 ,at any rate ,i was taken very sick1 and the worst cough ever had has racked my poor frame almost to pieces4 ,nearly six months confinement to my room2 six months of uselessness during which ,i have been a mere cumberer of the ground4 ,poor ,ernest6 ,what a hard time he has had6 ,instead of the cheerful welcome home ,i was to give him whenever he entered the house1 here ,i have lain exhausted1 woe-begone and good for nothing4 ,it is the bitterest disappointment ,i ever had4 ,my ambition is to be the sweetest1 brightest1 best of wives2 and what with my childish follies1 and my sickness1 what a weary life my dear husband has had6 ,but how often ,i have prayed that ,god would do ,his will in defiance1 if need be1 of mine6 ,i have tried to remind myself of that every day4 ,but ,i am too tired to write any more now4 ,,march #cj4-,this experience of suffering has filled my mind with new thoughts4 ,at one time ,i was so sick that ,ernest sent for mother4 ,poor mother1 she had to sleep with ,martha4 ,it was a great comfort to have her here1 but ,i knew by her coming how sick ,i was1 and then ,i began to ponder the question whether ,i was ready to die4 ,death looked to me as a most solemn1 momentous event-but there was something very pleasant in the thought of being no longer a sinner1 but a redeemed saint1 and of dwelling forever in ,christ's presence4 ,father came to see me when ,i had just reached this point4 ,my dear daughter1 he asked1 are you prepared to face the ,judge of all the earth8 ,no1 dear father1 ,i said1 ,christ will do that for me4 ,have you no misgivings8 ,i could only smile2 ,i had no strength to talk4 ,then ,i heard ,ernest--my dear1 calm1 self-controlled ,ernest--burst out crying and rush out of the room4 ,i looked after him1 and how ,i loved him6 ,but ,i felt that ,i loved my ,saviour infinitely more1 and that if ,he now let me come home to be with ,him ,i could trust ,him to be a thousand-fold more to ,ernest than ,i could ever be1 and to take care of my darling baby and my precious mother far better than ,i could4 ,the very gates of heaven seemed open to let me in4 ,and then they were suddenly shut in my face1 and ,i found myself a poor1 weak1 tempted creature here upon earth4 ,i1 who fancied myself an heir of glory1 was nothing but a peevish1 human creature-very human indeed1 overcome if ,martha shook the bed1 as she always did1 irritated if my food did not come at the right moment1 or was not of the right sort1 hurt and offended if ,ernest put on at one less anxious and tender than he had used when ,i was very ill1 and-in short1 my own poor faulty self once more4 ,oh1 what fearful battles ,i fought for patience1 forbearance and unselfishness6 ,what sorrowful tears of shame ,i shed over hasty1 impatient words and fretful tones6 ,no wonder ,i longed to be gone where weakness should be swallowed up in strength1 and sin give place to eternal perfection6 ,but here ,i am1 and suffering and work lie before me1 for which ,i feel little physical or mental courage4 ,but blessed be the will of ,god4 ,,april #e4-;,i was alone with father last evening1 ,ernest and ,martha both being out1 and soon saw by the way he fidgeted in his chair that he had something on his mind4 ,so ,i laid down the book ,i was reading1 and asked him what it was4 ,my daughter1 he began1 can you bear a plain word from an old man8 ,i felt frightened1 for ,i knew ,i had been impatient to ,martha of late1 in spite of all my efforts to the contrary4 ,i am still so miserably unwell4 ,i have seen many death-beds1 he went on2 but ,i never saw one where there was not some dread of the ,king of ,terrors exhibited2 nor one where there was such absolute certainty of having found favor with ,god to make the hour of departure entirely free from such doubts and such humility as becomes a guilty sinner about to face his ,judge4 ,i never saw such a one1 either1 ,i replied2 but ere have been many such deaths1 and ,i hardly know of any scene that so honors and magnifies the ,lord4 ,yes1 he said1 slowly2 but they were old1 mature1 ripened ,christians4 ,not always old1 dear father4 ,let me describe to you a scene ,ernest described to me only yesterday4 ,he waved his hand in token that this would delay his coming to the point he was aiming at4 ,to speak plainly1 he said1 ,i feel uneasy about you1 my daughter4 ,you are young and in the bloom of life1 but when death seemed staring you in the face1 you expressed no anxiety1 asked for no counsel1 showed no alarm4 ,it must be pleasant to possess so comfortable a persuasion of our acceptance with ,god2 but is it safe to rest on such an assurance while we know that the human heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked8 ,i thank you for the suggestion2 ,i said2 and1 dear father1 do not be afraid to speak still more plainly4 ,you live in the house with me1 see all my shortcomings and my faults1 and ,i cannot wonder that you think me a poor1 weak ,christian4 ,but do you really fear that ,i am deceived in believing that notwithstanding this ,i do really love my ,god and ,saviour and am ,his ,child8 ,no1 he said1 hesitating a little1 ,i can't say that1 exactly--,i can't say that4 ,this hesitation distressed me4 ,at first it seemed to me that my life must have uttered a very uncertain sound if those who saw it could misunderstand its language4 ,but then ,i reflected that it was1 at best1 a very faulty life1 and that its springs of action were not necessarily seen by lookers-on4 ,father saw my distress and perplexity1 and seemed touched by them4 ,just then ,ernest came in with ,martha1 but seeing that something was amiss1 the latter took herself off to her room1 which ,i thought really kind of her4 ,what is it1 father8 ,what is it1 ,katy8 asked ,ernest2 looking from one troubled face to the other4 ,i tried to explain4 ,i think1 father1 you may safely trust my wife's spiritual interests to me1 ,ernest said1 with warmth4 ,you do not understand her4 ,i do4 ,because there is nothing morbid about her1 because she has a sweet1 cheerful confidence in ,christ2 you doubt and misjudge her4 ,you may depend upon it that people are individual in their piety as in other things1 and cannot all be run in one mould4 ,katy has a playful way of speaking1 ,i know1 and often expresses her strongest feelings with what seems like levity1 and is1 perhaps1 a little reckless about being misunderstood in consequence4 ,he smiled on me1 as he thus took up the cudgels in my defence1 and ,i never felt so grateful to him in my life4 ,the truth is1 ,i hate sentimentalism so cordially1 and have besides such an instinct to conceal my deepest1 most sacred emotions1 that ,i do not wonder people misunderstand and misjudge me4 ,i did not refer to her playfulness1 father returned4 ,old people must make allowances for the young2 they must make allowances4 ,what pains me is that this child1 full of life and gayety as she is1 sees death approach without that becoming awe and terror which befits mortal man4 ,ernest was going to reply1 but ,i broke in eagerly upon his answer3 ,it is true that ,i expressed no anxiety when ,i believed death to be at hand4 ,i felt none4 ,i had given myself away to ,christ1 and ,he had received me and why should ,i be afraid to take ,his hand and go where ,he led me8 ,and it is true that ,i asked for no counsel4 ,i was too weak to ask questions or to like to have questions asked2 but my mind was bright and wide awake while my body was so feeble1 and ,i took counsel of ,god4 ,oh1 let me read to you two passages from the life of ,caroline ,fry which will make you understand how a poor sinner looks upon death4 ,the first is an extract from a letter written after learning that her days on earth were numbered4 ,as many will hear and will not understand1 why ,i want no time of1 preparation1 often desired by far holier ones than ,i1 ,i tell you why1 and shall tell others1 and so shall you4 ,it is not because ,i am so holy but because ,i am so sinful4 ,the peculiar character of my religious experience has always been a deep1 an agonizing sense of sin2 the sin of yesterday1 of to-day1 confessed with anguish hard to be endured1 and cried for pardon that could not be unheard2 each day cleansed anew in ,jesus' blood1 and each day more and more hateful in my own sight2 what can ,i do in death ,i have not done in life8 ,what1 do in this week1 when ,i am told ,i cannot live1 other than ,i did last week1 when knew it not8 ,alas1 there is but one thing undone1 to serve ,him better2 and the death-bed is no place for that4 ,therefore ,i say1 if ,i am not ready now1 ,i shall not be by delay1 so far as ,i have to do with it4 ,if ,he has more to do in me that is ,his part4 ,i need not ask ,him not to spoil ,his work by too much haste4 ,and these were her dying words1 a few days later3 ,this is my bridal-day1 the beginning of my life4 ,i wish there should be no mistake about the reason of my desire to depart and to be with ,christ4 ,i confess myself the vilest1 chiefest of sinners1 and ,i desire to go to ,him that ,i may be rid of the burden of sin-the sin of my nature-not the past1 repented of every day1 but the present1 hourly1 momentary sin1 which ,i do commit1 or may commit-the sense of which at times drives me half mad with grief6 ,i shall never forget the expression of father's face1 as ,i finished reading these remarkable words4 ,he rose slowly from his seat1 and came and kissed me on the forehead4 ,then he left the room1 but returned with a large volume1 and pointing to a blank page1 requested me to copy them there4 ,he com plains that ,i do not write legibly1 so ,i printed them as plainly as ,i could1 with my pen4 ,,june #bj4-,on the first of ,may1 there came to us1 with other spring flowers1 our little fair-haired1 blue-eyed daughter4 ,how rich ,i felt when ,i heard ,ernest's voice1 as he replied to a question asked at the door1 proclaim1 ,mother and children all well4 ,to think that we1 who thought ourselves rich before are made so much richer now6 ,but she is not large and vigorous1 as little ,ernest was1 and we cannot rejoice in her without some misgiving4 ,yet her very frailty makes her precious to us4 ,little ,ernest hangs over her with an almost lover-like pride and devotion1 and should she live ,i can imagine what a protector he will be for her4 ,i have had to give up the care of him to ,martha4 ,during my illness ,i do not know what would have become of him but for her4 ,one of the pleasant events of every day at that time1 was her bringing him to me in such exquisite order1 his face shining with health and happiness1 his hair and dress so beautifully neat and clean4 ,now that she has the care of him1 she has become very fond of him1 and he certainly forms one bond of union between us1 for we both agree that he is the handsomest1 best1 most remarkable child that ever lived1 or ever will live4 ,,july #f4-;,i have come home to dear mother with both my children4 ,ernest says our only hope for baby is to keep her out of the city during the summer months4 ,what a petite wee maiden she is6 ,where does all the love come from8 ,if ,i had had her always ,i do not see how ,i could be more fond of her4 ,and do people call it living who never had any children8 ,,july #aj4-;,if this darling baby lives1 ,i shall always believe it is owing to my mother's prayers4 ,i find little ,ernest has a passionate temper1 and a good deal of self-will4 ,but he has fine qualities4 ,i wish he had a better mother4 ,i am so impatient with him when he is wayward and perverse6 ,what he needs is a firm1 gentle hand1 moved by no caprice1 and controlled by the constant fear of ,god4 ,he never ought to hear an irritable word1 or a sharp tone2 but he does hear them1 ,i must own with grief and shame4 ,the truth is1 it is so long since ,i really felt strong and well that ,i am not myself1 and can not do him justice1 poor child4 ,next to being a perfect wife ,i want to be a perfect mother4 ,how mortifying1 how dreadful in all things to come short of even one's own standard4 ,what approach1 then1 does one make to ,god's standard8 ,mother seems very happy to have us here1 though we make so much trouble4 ,she encourages me in all my attempts to control myself and to control my dear little boy1 and the chapters she gives me out of her own experience are as interesting as a novel1 and a good deal more instructive4 ,,august4-,dear ,ernest has come to spend a week with us4 ,he is all tired out1 as there has been a great deal of sickness in the city1 and father has had quite a serious attack4 ,he brought with him a nurse for baby1 as one more desperate effort to strengthen her constitution4 ,i reproached him for doing it without consulting me1 but he said mother bad written to tell him that ,i was all worn out and not in a state to have the care of the children4 ,it has been a terrible blow to me4 ,one by one ,i am giving up the sweetest maternal duties4 ,god means that ,i shall be nothing and do nothing2 a mere useless sufferer4 ,but when ,i tell ,ernest so1 he says ,i am everything to him1 and that ,god's children please him just as well when they sit patiently with folded hands1 if that is ,his will1 as when they are hard at work4 ,but to be at work1 to be useful1 to be necessary to my husband and children1 is just what ,i want1 and ,i do find it hard to be set against the wall1 as it were1 like an old piece of furniture no longer of any service ,i see now that my first desire has not been to please ,god1 but to please myself1 for ,i am restless under ,his restraining hand1 and find my prison a very narrow one4 ,i would be willing to bear any other trial1 if ,i could only have health and strength for my beloved ones4 ,i pray for patience with bitter tears4 ,chapter #af ,,xvi4 ,,october4 ,,we are all at home together once more4 ,the parting with mother was very painful4 ,every year that she lives now increases her loneliness1 and makes me long to give her the shelter of my home4 ,but in the midst of these anxieties1 how much ,i have to make me happy6 ,little ,ernest is the life and soul of the house2 the sound of his feet pattering about1 and all his prattle1 are the sweetest music to my ear2 and his heart is brimful of love and joy1 so that he shines on us all like a sunbeam4 ,baby is improving every day1 and is one of those tender1 clinging little things that appeal to everybody's love and sympathy4 ,i never saw a more angelic face than hers4 ,father sits by the hour looking at her4 ,to-day he said3 ,daughter ,katherine1 this lovely little one is not meant for this sinful world4 ,this world needs to be adorned with lovely little ones1 ,i said4 ,and baby was never so well as she is now4 ,do not set your heart too fondly upon her1 he returned4 ,i feel that she is far too dear to me4 ,but1 father1 we could give her to ,god if ,he should ask for her ,surely1 we love ,him better than we love her4 ,but as ,i spoke a sharp pang shot through and through my soul1 and ,i held my little fair daughter closely in my arms1 as if ,i could always keep her there4 ,it may be my conceit1 but it really does seem as if poor father was getting a little fond of me4 ,ever since my own sickness ,i have felt great sympathy for him1 and he feels1 no doubt1 that ,i give him something that neither ,ernest nor ,martha can do1 since they were never sick one day in their lives4 ,i do wish he could look more at ,christ and at what ,he has done and is doing for us4 ,the way of salvation is to me a wide path1 absolutely radiant with the glory of ,him who shines upon it2 ,i see my shortcomings2 ,i see my sins1 but ,i feel myself bathed1 as it were1 in the effulgent glow that proceeds directly from the throne of ,god and the ,lamb4 ,it seems as if ,i ought to have some misgivings about my salvation1 but ,i can hardly say that ,i have one4 ,how strange1 how mysterious that is6 ,and here is father1 so much older1 so much better than ,i am1 creeping along in the dark6 ,i spoke to ,ernest about it4 ,he says ,i owe it to my training1 in a great measure1 and that my mother is fifty years in advance of her age4 ,but it can't be all that4 ,it was only after years of struggle and prayer that ,god gave me this joy4 ,,november #bd4-;,ernest asked me yesterday if ,i knew that ,amelia and her husband had come here to live1 and that she was very ill4 ,i wish you would go to see her1 dear1 he added4 ,she is a stranger here1 and in great need of a friend4 ,i felt extremely disturbed4 ,i have lost my old affection for her1 and the idea of meeting her husband was unpleasant4 ,is she very sick8 ,i asked4 ,yes4 ,she is completely broken down4 ,i promised her that you should go to see her4 ,are you attending her8 ,yes2 her husband came for me himself4 ,i don't want to go1 ,i said4 ,it will be very disagreeable4 ,yes1 dear1 ,i know it4 ,but she needs a friend1 as ,i said before4 ,i put on my things very reluctantly1 and went4 ,i found ,amelia in a richly-furnished house1 but looking untidy and ill-cared-for4 ,she was lying on a couch in her bedroom2 three delicate-looking children were playing about1 and their nurse sat sewing at the window4 ,a terrible fit of coughing made it impossible for her to speak for some moments4 ,at last she recovered herself sufficiently to welcome me1 by throwing her arms around me and bursting into tears4 ,oh1 ,katy6 she cried1 should you have known me if we had met in the street8 ,don't you find me sadly altered8 ,you are changed1 ,i said1 but so am ,i4 ,yes1 you do not look strong4 ,but then you never did4 ,and you are as pretty as ever1 while ,i--oh1 ,kate6 do you remember what round1 white arms ,i used to have8 ,look at them now6 ,and she drew up her sleeve1 poor child4 ,just then ,i heard a step in the passage1 and her husband sauntered into the room1 smoking4 ,do go away1 ,charles1 she said impatiently4 ,you know how your cigar sets me coughing4 ,he held out his hand to me with the easy1 nonchalant air of one who is accustomed to success and popularity4 ,i looked at him with an aversion ,i could not conceal4 ,the few years since we met has changed him so completely that ,i almost shuddered at the sight of his already bloated face1 and at the air that told of a life worse than wasted4 ,do go away1 ,charles1 ,amelia repeated4 ,he threw himself into a chair without paying the least attention to her1 and still addressing himself to me again1 said3 ,upon my word1 you are prettier than ever1 and-- ,i will come to see you at another time1 ,amelia1 ,i said1 putting on all the dignity ,i could condense in my small frame1 and rising to take leave4 ,don't go1 ,katy6 he cried1 starting up1 don't go4 ,i want to have a good talk about old times4 ,katy1 indeed6 ,how dared he8 ,i came away burning with anger and mortification4 ,is it possible that ,i ever loved such a man8 ,that to gratify that love ,i defied and grieved my dear mother through a whole year6 ,oh1 from what hopeless misery ,god saved me1 when ,he snatched me out of the depth of my folly6 ,,december #a4-;,ernest says ,i can go to see ,amelia with safety now1 as her husband has sprained his ankle1 and keeps to his own room4 ,so ,i am going4 ,but1 ,i am sure1 ,i shall say something imprudent or unwise1 and wish ,i could think it right to stay away4 ,i hope ,god will go with me and teach me what words to speak4 ,,dec4 #b4-;,i found ,amelia more unwell than on my first visit1 and she received me again with tears4 ,how good you are to come so soon1 she began4 ,i did not blame you for running off the other day2 ,charley's impertinence was shameful4 ,he said1 after you left1 that he perceived you had not yet lost your quickness to take offence1 but ,i know he felt that you showed a just displeasure1 and nothing more4 ,no1 ,i was really angry1 ,i replied4 ,i find the road to perfection lies up-hill1 and ,i slip back so often that sometimes ,i despair of ever reaching the top4 ,what does the doctor say about me8 she asked4 ,does he think me very sick8 ,i dare say he will tell you exactly what he thinks1 ,i returned1 if you ask him4 ,this is his rule with all his patients4 ,if ,i could get rid of this cough ,i should soon be myself again1 she said4 ,some days ,i feel quite bright and well4 ,but if it were not for my poor little children1 ,i should not care much how the thing ended4 ,with the life ,charley leads me1 ,i haven't much to look forward to4 ,you forget that the children's nurse is in the room1 ,i whispered4 ,oh1 ,i don't mind ,charlotte4 ,charlotte knows he neglects me1 don't you1 ,charlotte8 ,charlotte was discreet enough to pretend not to hear this question1 and ,amelia went on3 ,it began very soon after we were married4 ,he would go round with other girls exactly as he did before2 then when ,i spoke about it he would just laugh in his easy1 good-natured way1 but pay no attention to my wishes4 ,then when ,i grew more in earnest he would say1 that as long as he let me alone ,i ought to let him alone4 ,i thought that when our first baby came that would sober him a little1 but he wanted a boy and it turned out to be a girl4 ,and my being unhappy and crying so much1 made the poor thing fretful2 it kept him awake at night1 so he took another room4 ,after that ,i saw him less than ever1 though now and then he would have a little love-fit1 when he would promise to be at home more and treat me with more consideration4 ,we had two more little girls-twins2 and then a boy4 ,charley seemed quite fond of him1 and did certainly seem improved1 though he was still out a great deal with a set of idle young men1 smoking1 drinking wine1 and1 ,i don't know what else4 ,his uncle gave him too much money1 and he had nothing to do but to spend it4 ,you must not tell me any more now1 ,i said4 ,wait till you are stronger4 ,the nurse rose and gave her something which seemed to refresh her4 ,i went to look at the little girls1 who were all pretty1 pale-faced creatures1 very quiet and mature in their ways4 ,i am rested now1 said ,amelia1 and it does me good to talk to you1 because ,i can see that you are sorry for me4 ,i am1 indeed6 ,i cried4 ,when our little boy was three months old ,i took this terrible cold and began to cough4 ,charley at first remonstrated with me for coughing so much2 he said it was a habit ,i had got1 and that ,i ought to cure myself of it4 ,then the baby began to pine and pine1 and the more it wasted the more ,i wasted4 ,and at last it died4 ,here the poor child burst out again1 and ,i wiped away her tears as fast as they fell1 thankful that she could cry4 ,after that1 she went on1 after awhile1 ,charley seemed to lose his last particle of affection for me2 he kept away more than ever1 and once when ,i besought him not to neglect me and my children so1 he said he was well paid for not keeping up his engagement with you1 that you had some strength of character1 and- ,amelia1 ,i interrupted1 do not repeat such things4 ,they only pain and mortify me4 ,well1 she sighed1 wearily1 this is what he has at last brought me to4 ,i am sick and broken-hearted1 and care very little what becomes of me4 ,there was a long silence4 ,i wanted to ask her if1 when earthly refuge failed her1 she could not find shelter in the love of ,christ4 ,but ,i have what is1 ,i fear1 a morbid terror of seeking the confidence of others4 ,i knelt down at last1 and kissed the poor faded face4 ,yes1 ,i knew you would feel for me1 she said4 ,the only pleasant thought ,i had when ,charley insisted on coming here to live was1 that ,i should see you4 ,does your uncle live here1 too8 ,i asked4 ,yes1 he came first1 and it was that that put it into ,charley's head to come4 ,he is very kind to me4 ,yes1 ,i said1 and ,god is kind1 too1 isn't ,he8 ,kind to let me get sick and disgust ,charley8 ,now1 ,katy1 how can you talk so8 ,i replied by repeating two lines from a hymn of which ,i am very fond3 ',o ,saviour1 whose mercy severe in its kindness1 ,hath chastened my wanderings1 and guided my way4' ,i don't much care for hymns1 she said4 ,when one is well1 and everything goes quite to one's mind1 it is nice to go to church and sing with the rest of them4 ,but1 sick as ,i am1 it isn't so easy to be religious4 ,but isn't this the very time to look to ,christ for comfort8 ,what's the use of looking anywhere for comfort8 she said1 peevishly4 ,wait till you are sick and heart-broken yourself1 and you'll see that you won't feel much like doing anything but just groan and cry your life out4 ,i have been sick1 and ,i know what sorrow means1 ,i said4 ,and ,i am glad that ,i do4 ,for ,i have learned ,christ in that school1 and ,i know that ,he can comfort when no one else can4 ,you always were an odd creature1 she replied4 ,i never pretended to understand half you said4 ,i saw that she was tired1 and came away4 ,oh1 how ,i wished that ,i had been able to make ,christ look to her as ,he did to me all the way home4 ,,dec4 #bd4-;,father says he does not like ,dr4 ,cabot's preaching4 ,he thinks that it is not doctrinal enough1 and that he does not preach enough to sinners4 ,but ,i can see that it has influenced him already1 and that he is beginning to think of ,god1 as manifested in ,christ1 far more than he used to do4 ,with me he has endless discussions on his and my favorite subjects1 and though ,i can never tell along what path ,i walked to reach a certain conclusion1 the earnestness of my convictions does impress him strangely4 ,i am sure there is a great deal of conceit mixed up with all ,i say1 and then when ,i compare my life with my own standard of duty1 ,i wonder ,i ever dare to open my mouth and undertake to help others4 ,baby is not at all well4 ,to see a little frail1 tender thing really suffering1 tears my soul to pieces4 ,i think it would distress me less to give her to ,god just as she is now1 a vital part of my very heart1 than to see her live a mere invalid life4 ,but ,i try to feel1 as ,i know ,i say1 ,thy will be done6 ,little ,ernest is the very picture of health and beauty4 ,he has vitality enough for two children4 ,he and his little sister will make very interesting contrasts as they grow older4 ,his ardor and vivacity will rouse her1 and her gentleness will soften him4 ,,jan4 #a1 #ahda4-;,every day brings its own duty and its own discipline4 ,how is it that ,i make such slow progress while this is the case8 ,it is a marvel to me why ,god allows characters like mine to defile ,his church4 ,i can only account for it with the thought that if ,i ever am perfected1 ,i shall be a great honor to ,his name1 for surely worse material for building up a temple of the ,holy ,ghost was never gathered together before4 ,the time may come when those who know me now1 crude1 childish1 incomplete1 will look upon me with amazement1 saying1 ,what hath ,god wrought6 ,if ,i knew such a time would never come1 ,i should want to flee into the holes and caves of the earth4 ,i have everything to inspire me to devotion4 ,my dear mother's influence is always upon me4 ,to her ,i owe the habit of flying to ,god in every emergency1 and of believing in prayer4 ,then ,i am in close fellowship with a true man and a true ,christian4 ,ernest has none of my fluctuations2 he is always calm and self-possessed4 ,this is partly his natural character2 but he has studied the ,bible more than any other book1 his convictions of duty are fixed because they are drawn thence1 and his constant contact with the sick and the suffering has revealed life to him just as it is4 ,how he has helped me on6 ,god bless him for it6 ,then ,i have ,james4 ,to be with him one half hour is an inspiration4 ,he lives in such blessed communion with ,christ that he is in perpetual sunshine1 and his happiness fertilizes even this disordered household2 there is not a soul in it that does not catch somewhat of his joyousness4 ,and there are my children6 ,my darling1 precious children6 ,for their sakes ,i am continually constrained to seek after an amended1 a sanctified life2 what ,i want them to become ,i must become myself4 ,so ,i enter on a new year1 not knowing what it will bring forth1 but surely with a thousand reasons for thanksgiving1 for joy1 and for hope4 ,,jan4 #af4-,one more desperate effort to make harmony out of the discords of my house1 and one more failure4 ,ernest forgot that it was our wedding-day1 which mortified and pained me1 especially as he had made an engagement to dine out4 ,i am always expecting something from life that ,i never get4 ,is it so with everybody8 ,i am very uneasy1 too1 about ,james4 ,he seems to be growing fond of ,lucy's society4 ,i am perfectly sure that she could not make him happy4 ,is it possible that he does not know what a brilliant young man he is1 and that he can have whom he pleases8 ,it is easy1 in theory1 to let ,god plan our own destiny1 and that of our friends4 ,but when it comes to a specific case we fancy we can help ,his judgments with our poor reason4 ,well1 ,i must go to ,him with this new anxiety1 and trust my darling brother's future to ,him1 if ,i can4 ,i shall try to win ,james' confidence4 ,if it is not ,lucy1 who or what is it that is making him so thoughtful and serious1 yet so wondrously happy8 ,,jan4 #ag4-;,i have been trying to find out whether this is a mere notion of mine about ,lucy4 ,james laughs1 and evades my questions4 ,but he owns that a very serious matter is occupying his thoughts1 of which he does not wish to speak at present4 ,may ,god bless him in it1 whatever it is4 ,,may #a4-,my delicate little ,una's first birthday4 ,thank ,god for sparing her to us a year4 ,if ,he should take her away ,i should still rejoice that this life was mingled with ours1 and has influenced them4 ,yes1 even an unconscious infant is an ever-felt influence in the household2 what an amazing thought6 ,i have given this precious little one away to her ,saviour and to mine2 living or dying1 she is ,his4 ,,dec4 #ac4-,writing journals does not seem to be my mission on earth of late4 ,my busy hands find so much else to do4 ,and sometimes when ,i have been particularly exasperated and tried by the jarring elements that form my home1 ,i have not dared to indulge myself with recording things that ought to be forgotten4 ,how ,i long to live in peace with all men1 and how ,i resent interference in the management of my children6 ,if the time ever comes that ,i live1 a spinster of a certain age1 in the family of an elder brother1 what a model of forbearance1 charity1 and sisterly loving-kindness ,i shall be6 ,chapter #ag ,,xvii4 ,,january #a1 #ahdb ,i ,,mean to resume my journal1 and be more faithful to it this year4 ,how many precious things1 said by dear ,mrs4 ,campbell and others1 are lost forever1 because ,i did not record them at the time6 ,i have seen her to-day4 ,at ,ernest's suggestion ,i have let ,susan ,green provide her with a comfortable chair which enables her to sit up during a part of each day4 ,i found her in it1 full of gratitude1 her sweet1 tranquil face shining1 as it always is1 with a light reflected from heaven itself4 ,she looks like one who has had her struggle with life and conquered it4 ,during last year ,i visited her often and gradually learned much of her past history1 though she does not love to talk of herself4 ,she has outlived her husband1 a houseful of girls and her ill-health is chiefly the result of years of watching by their sick-beds1 and grief at their loss4 ,for she does not pretend not to grieve1 but always says1 ,it is repining that dishonors ,god1 not grief4 ,i said to her to-day3 ,doesn't it seem hard when you think of the many happy homes there are in the world1 that you should be singled out for such bereavement and loneliness8 ,she replied1 with a smile3 ,i am not singled out1 dear4 ,there are thousands of ,god's own dear children1 scattered over the world1 suffering far more than ,i do4 ,and ,i do not think there are many persons in it who are happier than ,i am4 ,i was bound to my ,god and ,saviour before ,i knew a sorrow1 it is true4 ,but it was by a chain of many links2 and every link that dropped away1 brought me to ,him1 till at last1 having nothing left1 ,i was shut up to ,him1 and learned fully1 what ,i had only learned partially1 how soul-satisfying ,he is4 ,you think1 then1 ,i said1 while my heart died within me1 that husband and children are obstacles in our way1 and hinder our getting near to ,christ4 ,oh1 no6 she cried4 ,god never gives us hindrances4 ,on the contrary1 ,he means1 in making us wives and mothers1 to put us into the very conditions of holy living4 ,but if we abuse ,his gifts by letting them take ,his place in our hearts1 it is an act of love on ,his part to take them away1 or to destroy our pleasure in them4 ,it is delightful1 she added1 after a pause1 to know that there are some generous souls on earth1 who love their dear ones with all their hearts1 yet give those hearts unreservedly to ,christ4 ,mine was not one of them4 ,i had some little service to render her which interrupted our conversation4 ,the offices ,i have had to have rendered me in my own long days of sickness have taught me to be less fastidious about waiting upon others4 ,i am thankful that ,god has at last made me willing to do anything in a sick-room that must be done4 ,she thanked me1 as she always does1 and then ,i said3 ,i have a great many little trials1 but they don't do me a bit of good4 ,or1 at least1 ,i don't see that they do4 ,no1 we never see plants growing1 she said4 ,and do you really think then1 that perhaps ,i am growing1 though unconsciously8 ,i know you are1 dear child4 ,there can't be life without growth4 ,this comforted me4 ,i came home1 praying all the way1 and striving to commit myself entirely to ,him in whose school ,i sit as learner4 ,oh1 that ,i were a better scholar4 ,but ,i do not half learn my lessons1 ,i am heedless and inattentive1 and ,i forget what is taught4 ,perhaps this is the reason that weighty truths float before my mind's eye at times1 but do not fix themselves there4 ,,march #bj4-;,i have been much impressed by ,dr4 ,cabot's sermons to-day4 while ,i am listening to his voice and hear him speak of the beauty and desirableness of the ,christian life1 ,i feel as he feels1 that ,i am waiting to count all things but dross that ,i may win ,christ4 ,but when ,i come home to my worldly cares1 ,i get completely absorbed in them1 it is only by a painful wrench that ,i force my soul back to ,god4 ,sometimes ,i almost envy ,lucy her calm nature1 which gives her so little trouble4 ,why need ,i throw my whole soul into whatever ,i do8 ,why can't ,i make so much as an apron for little ,ernest without the ardor and eagerness of a soldier marching to battle8 ,i wonder if people of my temperament ever get toned down1 and learn to take life coolly8 ,,june #aj4-,my dear little ,una has had a long and very severe illness4 ,it seems wonderful that she could survive such sufferings4 ,and it is almost as wonderful that ,i could look upon them1 week after week1 without losing my senses4 ,at first ,ernest paid little attention to my repeated entreaties that he would prescribe for her1 and some precious time was thus lost4 ,but the moment he was fully aroused to see her danger1 there was something beautiful in his devotion4 ,he often walked the room with her by the hour together1 and it was touching to see her lying like a pale2 crushed lily in his strong arms4 ,one morning she seemed almost gone1 and we knelt around her with bursting hearts1 to commend her parting soul to ,him in whose arms we were about to place her4 ,but it seemed as if all ,he asked of us was to come to that point1 for then ,he gave her back to us1 and she is still ours1 only seven-fold dearer4 ,i was so thankful to see dear ,ernest's faith triumphing over his heart1 and making him so ready to give up even this little lamb without a word4 ,yes1 we will give our children to ,him if he asks for them4 ,he shall never have to snatch them from us by force4 ,,oct4 #d4-,we have had a quiet summer in the country1 that is1 ,i have with my darling little ones4 ,this is the fourth birthday of our son and heir1 and he has been full of health and vivacity1 enjoying everything with all his heart4 ,how he lights up our sombre household 6 ,father has been fasting to-day1 and is so worn out and so nervous in consequence1 that he could not bear the sound of the children's voices4 ,i wish1 if he must fast1 he would do it moderately1 and do it all the time4 ,now he goes without food until he is ready to sink1 and now he eats quantities of improper food4 ,if ,martha could only see how mischievous all this is for him4 ,after the children had been hustled out of the way1 and ,i had got them both off to bed1 he said in his most doleful manner1 ,i hope1 my daughter1 that you are faithful to your son4 ,he has now reached the age of four years1 and is a remarkably intelligent child4 ,i hope you teach him that he is a sinner1 and that he is in a state of condemnation4 ,now1 father1 don't1 ,i said4 ,you are all tired out1 and do not know what you are saying4 ,i would not have little ,ernest hear you for the world4 ,poor father6 ,he fairly groaned4 ,you are responsible for that child's soul2 he said2 you have more influence over him than all the world beside4 ,i know it1 ,i said1 and sometimes ,i feel ready to sink when ,i think of the great work ,god has intrusted to me4 ,but my poor child will learn that he is a sinner only too soon1 and before that dreadful day arrives ,i want to fortify his soul with the only antidote against the misery that knowledge will give him4 ,i want him to see his ,redeemer in all ,his love1 and all ,his beauty1 and to love ,him with all his heart and soul1 and mind and strength4 ,dear father1 pray for him1 and pray for me1 too4 ,i do1 ,i will1 he said1 solemnly4 ,and then followed the inevitable long fit of silent musing1 when ,i often wonder what is passing in that suffering soul4 ,for a sufferer he certainly is who sees a great and good and terrible ,god who cannot look upon iniquity1 and does not see ,his risen ,son1 who has paid the debt we owe1 and lives to intercede for us before the throne of the ,father4 ,,jan4 #a1 #ahdb4-;,james came to me yesterday with a letter he had been writing to mother4 ,i want you to read this before it goes1 he said1 for you ought to know my plans as soon as mother does4 ,i did not get time to read it till after tea4 ,then ,i came up here to my room1 and sat down curious to know what was coming4 ,well1 ,i thought ,i loved him as much as one human being could love another1 already1 but now my heart embraced him with a fervor and delight that made me so happy that ,i could not speak a word when ,i knelt down to tell my ,saviour all about it4 ,he said that he had been led1 within a few months1 to make a new consecration of himself to ,christ and to ,christ's cause on earth1 and that this had resulted in his choosing the life of a missionary1 instead of settling down1 as he had intended to do1 as a city physician4 ,such expressions of personal love to ,christ1 and delight in the thought of serving ,him1 ,i never read4 ,i could only marvel at what ,god had wrought in his soul4 ,for me to live to ,christ seems natural enough1 for ,i have been driven to ,him not only by sorrow but by sin4 ,every outbreak of my hasty temper sends me weeping and penitent to the foot of the cross1 and ,i love much because ,i have been forgiven much4 ,but ,james1 as far as ,i know1 has never had a sorrow1 except my father's death1 and that had no apparent religious effect4 ,and his natural character is perfectly beautiful4 ,he is as warm-hearted and loving and simple and guileless as a child1 and has nothing of my intemperance1 hastiness and quick temper4 ,i have often thought that she would be a rare woman who could win and wear such a heart as his4 ,life has done little but smile upon him2 he is handsome and talented and attractive2 everybody is fascinated by him1 everybody caresses him2 and yet he has turned his back on the world that has dealt so kindly with him1 and given himself1 as ,edwards says1 clean away to ,christ6 ,oh1 how thankful ,i am6 ,and yet to let him go6 ,my only brother-mother's ,son6 ,but ,i know what she will say2 she will him ,god-speed6 ,ernest came upstairs1 looking tired and jaded4 ,i read the letter to him4 ,it impressed him strangely3 but he only said1 ,this is what we might expect1 who knew ,james1 dear fellow6 ,but when we knelt down to pray together1 ,i saw how he was touched1 and how his soul kindled within him in harmony with that consecrated1 devoted spirit4 ,dear ,james6 it must be mother's prayers that have done for him this wondrous work that is usually the slow growth of years2 and this is the mother who prays for you1 ,katy6 ,so take courage6 ,,jan4 #b4-;,james means to study theology as well as medicine1 it seems4 ,that will keep him with us for some years4 ,oh1 is it selfish to take this view of it8 ,alas1 the spirit is willing to have him go1 but the flesh is weak1 and cries out4 ,,oct4 #bb4-;,amelia came to see me to-day4 ,she has been traveling1 for her health1 and certainly looks much improved4 ,charley and ,i are quite good friends again1 she began4 ,we have jaunted about everywhere1 and have a delightful time4 ,what a snug little box of a house you have6 ,it is inconveniently small1 ,i said1 for our family is large and the doctor needs more office room4 ,does he receive patients here8 ,how horrid6 ,don't you hate to have people with all sorts of ills and aches in the house8 ,it must depress your spirits4 ,i dare say it would if ,i saw them2 but ,i never do4 ,i should like to see your children4 ,your husband says you are perfectly devoted to them4 ,as ,i suppose all mothers are1 ,i replied1 laughing4 ,as to that1 she returned1 people differ4 ,the children were brought down4 ,she admired little ,ernest1 as everybody does1 but only glanced at the baby4 ,what a sickly-looking little thing6 she said4 ,but this boy is a splendid fellow6 ,ah1 if mine had lived he would have been just such a child6 ,but some people have all the trouble and others all the comfort4 ,i am1 sure ,i don't know what ,i have done that ,i should have to lose my only boy1 and have nothing left but girls4 ,to be sure1 ,i can afford to dress them elegantly1 and as soon as they get old enough ,i mean to have them taught all sorts of accomplishments4 ,you can't imagine what a relief it is to have plenty of money6 ,indeed ,i can't6 ,i said2 it is quite beyond the reach of my imagination4 ,my uncle--that is to say ,charley's uncle-has just given me a carriage and horses for my own use4 ,in fact1 he heaps everything upon me4 ,where do you go to church8 ,i told her1 reminding her that ,dr4 ,cabot was its pastor4 ,oh1 ,i forgot6 ,poor ,dr4 ,cabot6 ,is he as old-fashioned as ever8 ,i don't know what you mean1 ,i cried4 ,he is as good as ever1 if not better4 ,his health is very delicate1 and that one thing seems to be a blessing to him4 ,a blessing6 ,why1 ,kate ,mortimer6 ,kate ,elliott1 ,i mean4 ,it is a blessing ,i1 for one1 am very willing to dispense with4 ,but you always did say queer things4 ,well1 ,i dare say ,dr4 ,cabot is very good and all that1 but his church is not a fashionable one1 and ,charley and ,i go to ,dr4 ,bellamy's4 ,that is1 ,i go once a day1 pretty regularly1 and ,charley goes when he feels like it4 ,good-by4 ,i must go now2 ,i have all my fall shopping to do4 ,have you done yours8 ,suppose you jump into the carriage and go with me8 ,you can't imagine how it passes away the morning to drive from shop to shop looking over the new goods4 ,there seem to be a number of things ,i can't imagine1 ,i replied1 dryly4 ,you must excuse me this morning4 ,she took her leave44 ,i looked at her rich dress as she gathered it about her and swept away1 and recalled all her empty1 frivolous talk with contempt4 ,she and ,ch---1 her husband1 ,i mean1 are well matched4 ,they need their money1 and their palaces and their fine clothes and handsome equipages1 for they have nothing else4 ,how thankful ,i am that ,i am as unlike them as ex--- ,,october #cj4-;,i'm sure ,i don't know what ,i was going to say when ,i was interrupted just then4 ,something in the way of self-glorification1 most likely4 ,i remember the contempt with which ,i looked after ,amelia as she left our house1 and the pinnacle on which ,i sat perched for some days1 when ,i compared my life with hers4 ,alas1 it was my view of life of which ,i was lost in admiration1 for ,i am sure that if ,i ever come under the complete dominion of ,christ's gospel ,i shall not know the ,sentiment of disdain4 ,i feel truly ashamed and sorry that ,i am still so far from being penetrated with that spirit4 ,my pride has had a terrible fall4 ,as ,i sat on my throne1 looking down on all the ,amelias in the world1 ,i felt a profound pity at their delight in petty trifles1 their love of position1 of mere worldly show and passing vanities4 ,they are all alike1 ,i said to myself4 ,they are incapable of understanding a character like mine1 or the exalted1 ennobling principles that govern me4 ,they crave the applause of this world1 they are satisfied with fine clothes1 fine houses1 fine equipages4 ,they think and talk of nothing else2 ,i have not one idea in common with them4 ,i see the emptiness and hollowness of these things4 ,i am absolutely unworldly2 my ambition is to attain whatever they1 in their blind folly and ignorance1 absolutely despise4 ,thus communing with myself1 ,i was not a little pleased to hear ,dr4 ,cabot and his wife announced4 ,i hastened to meet them and to display to them the virtues ,i so admired in myself4 ,they had hardly a chance to utter a word4 ,i spoke eloquently of my contempt for worldly vanities1 and of my enthusiastic longings for a higher life4 ,i even went into particulars about the foibles of some of my acquaintances1 though faint misgivings as to the propriety of such remarks on the absent made me half repent the words ,i still kept uttering4 ,when they took leave ,i rushed to my room with my heart beating1 my cheeks all in a glow1 and caught up and caressed the children in a way that seemed to astonish them4 ,then ,i took my work and sat down to sew4 ,what a horrible reaction now took place6 ,i saw my refined1 subtle1 disgusting pride1 just as ,i suppose ,dr4 and ,mrs4 ,cabot saw it6 ,i sat covered with confusion1 shocked at myself1 shocked at the weakness of human nature4 ,oh1 to get back the good opinion of my friends6 ,to recover my own self-respect6 ,but this was impossible4 ,i threw down my work and walked about my room4 ,there was a terrible struggle in my soul4 ,i saw that instead of brooding over the display ,i had made of myself to ,dr4 ,cabot ,i ought to be thinking solely of my appearance in the sight of ,god1 who could see far more plainly than any earthly eye could all my miserable pride and self-conceit4 ,but ,i could not do that1 and chafed about till ,i was worn out1 body and soul4 ,at last ,i sent the children away1 and knelt down and told the whole story to ,him who knew what ,i was when ,he had compassion on me1 called me by my name1 and made me ,his own child4 ,and here1 ,i found a certain peace4 ,christian1 on his way to the celestial city1 met and fought his ,apollyons and his giants1 too2 but he got there at last6 ,chapter #ah ,,xviii4 ,,november4 ,,this morning ,ernest received an early summons to ,amelia4 ,i got out of all manner of patience with him because he would take his bath and eat his breakfast before he went1 and should have driven any one else distracted by my hurry and flurry4 ,she has had a hemorrhage6 ,i cried4 ,do1 ,ernest1 make haste4 ,of course1 he returned1 that would come1 sooner or later4 ,you don't mean1 ,i said1 that she has been in danger of this all along8 ,i certainly do4 ,then it was very unkind in you not to tell me so4 ,i told you at the outset that her lungs were diseased4 ,no1 you told me no such thing4 ,oh1 ,ernest1 is she going to die8 ,i did not know you were so fond of her1 he said1 apologetically4 ,it is not that1 ,i cried4 ,i am distressed at the thought of the worldly life she has been living-at my never trying to influence her for her good4 ,if she is in danger1 you will tell her so8 ,promise me that4 ,i must see her before ,i make such a promise1 he said1 and went out4 ,i flew up to my room and threw myself on my knees1 sorrowful1 self-condemned4 ,i had thrown away my last opportunity of speaking a word to her in season1 though ,i had seen how much she needed one1 and now she was going to die6 ,oh1 ,i hope ,god will forgive me1 and hear the prayers ,i have offered her6 ,,evening4-,ernest says he had a most distressing scene at ,amelia's this morning4 ,she insisted on knowing what he thought of her1 and then burst out bitter complaints and lamentations1 charging it to husband that she had this disease1 declaring that she could not1 and would not die1 and insisting that he must prevent it4 ,her uncle urged for a consultation of physicians1 to which ,ernest consented1 of course1 though he says no mortal power can save her now4 ,i asked him how her husband appeared1 to which he made the evasive answer that he appeared just as one would expect him to do4 ,,december4-,amelia was so determined to see me that ,ernest thought it best for me to go4 ,i found her looking very feeble4 ,oh1 ,katy1 she began at once1 do make the doctor say that ,i shall get well6 ,i wish he could say so with truth1 ,i answered4 ,dear ,amelia1 try to think how happy ,god's own children are when they are with ,him4 ,i can't think1 she replied4 ,i do not want to think4 ,i want to forget all about it4 ,if it were not for this terrible cough ,i could forget it1 for ,i am really a great deal better than ,i was a month ago4 ,i did not know what to say or what to do4 ,may ,i read a hymn or a few verses from the ,bible8 ,i asked1 at last4 ,just as you like1 she said1 indifferently4 ,i read a verse now and then1 but she looked tired1 and ,i prepared to go4 ,don't go1 she cried4 ,i do not dare to be alone4 ,oh1 what a terrible1 terrible thing it is to die6 ,to leave this bright1 beautiful world1 and be nailed in a coffin and buried up in a cold1 dark grave4 ,nay1 ,i said1 to leave this poor sick body there1 and to fly to a world ten thousand times brighter1 more beautiful than this4 ,i had just got to feeling nearly well1 she said1 and ,i had everything ,i wanted1 and ,charley was quite good to me1 and ,i kept my little girls looking like fairies1 just from fairy-land4 ,everybody said they wore the most picturesque costumes when they were dressed according to my taste4 ,and ,i have got to go and leave them1 and ,charley will be marrying somebody else1 and saying to her all the nice things he has said to me4 ,i really must go now1 ,i said4 ,you are wearing yourself all out4 ,i declare you are crying1 she exclaimed4 ,you do pity me after all4 ,indeed ,i do1 ,i said1 and came away1 heartsick4 ,ernest says there is nothing ,i can do for her now but to pray for her1 since she does not really believe herself in danger1 and has a vague feeling that if she can once convince him how much she wants to live1 he will use some vigorous measures to restore her4 ,martha is to watch with her to-night4 ,ernest will not let me4 ,,jan4 #ah1 #ahdc4-,our wedding-day has passed unobserved4 ,amelia's suffering condition absorbs us all4 ,martha spends much time with her1 and prepares almost all the food she eats4 ,,jan4 #bj4-;,i have seen poor ,amelia once more1 and perhaps for the last time4 ,she has failed rapidly of late1 and ,ernest says may drop away at almost any time4 ,when ,i went in she took me by the hand1 and with great difficulty1 and at intervals said something like this3 ,i have made up my mind to it1 and ,i know it must come4 ,i want to see ,dr4 ,cabot4 ,do you think he would be willing to visit me after my neglecting him so8 ,i am sure he would1 ,i cried4 ,i want to ask him if he thinks ,i was a ,christian at that time-you know when4 ,if ,i was1 then ,i need not be so afraid to die4 ,but1 dear ,amelia1 what he thinks is very little to the purpose4 ,the question is not whether you ever gave yourself to ,god1 but whether you are ,his now4 ,but ,i ought not to talk to you4 ,dr4 ,cabot will know just what to say4 ,no1 but ,i want to know what you thought about it4 ,i felt distressed1 as ,i looked at her wasted dying figure1 to be called on to help decide such a question4 ,but ,i knew what ,i ought to say1 and said it3 ,don't look back to the past2 it is useless4 ,give yourself to ,christ now4 ,she shook her head4 ,i don't know how1 she said4 ,oh1 ,katy1 pray to ,god to let me live long enough to get ready to die4 ,i have led a worldly life4 ,i shudder at the bare thought of dying2 ,i must have time4 ,don't wait for time1 ,i said1 with tears1 get ready now1 this minute4 ,a thousand years would not make you more fit to die4 ,so ,i came away1 weary and heavy-laden1 and on the way home stopped to tell ,dr4 ,cabot all about it1 and by this time he is with her4 ,,march #a4-,poor ,amelia's short race on earth is over4 ,dr4 ,cabot saw her every few days and says he hopes she did depart in ,christian faith1 though without ,christian joy4 ,i have not seen her since that last interview4 ,that excited me so that ,ernest would not let me go again4 ,martha has been there nearly the whole time for three or four weeks1 and ,i really think it has done her good4 ,she seems less absorbed in mere outside things1 and more lenient toward me and my failings4 ,i do not know what is to become of those motherless little girls4 ,i wish ,i could take them into my own home1 but1 of course1 that is not even to be thought at this juncture4 ,ernest says their father seemed nearly distracted when ,amelia died1 and that his uncle is going to send him off to ,europe immediately4 ,i have been talking with ,ernest about ,amelia4 ,what do you think1 ,i asked1 about her last days on earth8 ,was there really any preparation for death8 ,these scenes are very painful1 he returned4 ,of course there is but one real preparation for ,christian dying1 and that is ,christian living4 ,but the sick-room often does what a prosperous life never did6 ,not often4 ,sick persons delude themselves1 or are deluded by their friends2 they do not believe they are really about to die4 ,besides1 they are bewildered and exhausted by disease1 and what mental strength they have is occupied with studying symptoms1 watching for the doctor1 and the like4 ,i do not now recall a single instance where a worldly ,christian died a happy1 joyful death1 in all my practice4 ,well1 in one sense it makes no difference whether they die happily or not4 ,the question is do they die in the ,lord8 ,it may make no vital difference to them1 but we must not forget that ,god is honored or dishonored by the way a ,christian dies1 as well as by the way in which he lives4 ,there is great significance in the description given in the ,bible of the death by which ,john should ',glorify ,god'2 to my mind it implies that to die well is to live well4 ,but how many thousands die suddenly1 or of such exhausting disease that they cannot honor ,god by even one feeble word4 ,of course1 ,i do not1 refer to such cases4 ,all ,i ask is that those whose minds are clear1 who are able to attend to all other final details1 should let it be seen what the gospel of ,christ can do for poor sinners in the great exigency of life1 giving ,him the glory4 ,i can tell you1 my darling1 that standing1 as ,i so often do1 by dying beds1 this whole subject has become one of great magnitude to my mind4 ,and it gives me positive personal pain to see heirs of the eternal kingdom1 made such by the ignominious death of their ,lord1 go shrinking and weeping to the full possession of their inheritance4 ,ernest is right1 ,i am sure1 but how shall the world1 even the ,christian world1 be convinced that it may have blessed fortastes of heaven while yet plodding upon earth1 and faith to go thither joyfully1 for the simple asking8 ,poor ,amelia6 ,but she understands it all now4 ,it is a blessed thing to have this great faith1 and it is a blessed thing to have a ,saviour who accepts it when it is but a mere grain of mustard-seed6 ,,may #bd4-;,i celebrated my little ,una's third birthday by presenting her with a new brother4 ,both the children welcomed him with delight that was itself compensation enough for all it cost me to get up such a celebration4 ,martha takes a most prosaic view of this proceeding1 in which she detects malice prepense on my part4 ,she says ,i shall now have one mouth the more to fill1 and two feet the more to shoe2 more disturbed nights1 more laborious days1 and less leisure for visiting1 reading1 music1 and drawing4 ,well6 this is one side of the story1 to be sure1 but ,i look at the other4 ,here is a sweet1 fragrant mouth to kiss2 here are two more feet to make music with their pattering about my nursery4 ,here is a soul to train for ,god1 and the body in which it dwells is worthy all it will cost1 since it is the abode of a kingly tenant4 ,i may see less of friends1 but ,i have gained one dearer than them all1 to whom1 while ,i minister in ,christ's name1 ,i make a willing sacrifice of what little leisure for my own recreation my other darlings had left me4 ,yes1 my precious baby1 you are welcome to your mother's heart1 welcome to her time1 her strength1 her health1 her tenderest cares1 to her life-long prayers6 ,oh1 how rich ,i am1 how truly1 how wondrously blest6 ,,june #e4-,we begin to be woefully crowded4 ,we need a larger house1 or a smaller household4 ,i am afraid ,i secretly1 down at the bottom of my heart1 wish ,martha and her father could give place to my little ones4 ,may ,god forgive me if this is so6 ,it is a poor time for such emotions when ,he has just given me another darling child1 for whom ,i have as rich and ample a love as if ,i had spent no affection on the other twain4 ,i have made myself especially kind to poor father and to ,martha lest they should perceive how inconvenient it is to have them here1 and be pained by it4 ,i would not for the world despoil them of what little satisfaction they may derive from living with us4 ,but1 oh6 ,i am so selfish1 and it is so hard to practice the very law of love ,i preach to my children6 ,yet ,i want this law to rule and reign in my home1 that it may be a little heaven below1 and ,i will not1 no1 ,i will not1 cease praying that it may be such1 no matter what it costs me4 ,poor father6 poor old man6 ,i will try to make your home so sweet and home-like to you that when you change it for heaven it shall be but a transition from one bliss to a higher6 ,,evening4-,soon after writing that ,i went down to see father1 whom ,i have had to neglect of late1 baby has so used up both time and strength44 ,i found him and ,martha engaged in what seemed to be an exciting debate1 as ,martha had a fiery little red spot on each cheek1 and was knitting furiously4 ,i was about to retreat1 when she got up in a flurried way and went off1 saying1 as she went3 ,you tell her1 father2 ,i can't4 ,i went up to him tenderly and took his hand4 ,ah1 how gentle and loving we are when we have just been speaking to ,god6 ,what is it1 dear father8 ,i asked2 is anything troubling you8 ,she is going to be married1 he replied4 ,oh1 father6 ,i cried1 how n- nice1 ,i was going to say1 but stopped just in time4 ,all my abominable selfishness that ,i thought ,i had left at my ,master's feet ten minutes before now came trooping back in full force4 ,she's going to be married2 she'll go away1 and will take her father to live with her6 ,i can have room for my children1 and room for mother6 ,every element of discord will now leave my home1 and ,ernest will see what ,i really am6 ,these were the thoughts that rushed through my mind1 and that illuminated my face4 ,does ,ernest know8 ,i asked4 ,yes1 ,ernest has known it for some weeks4 ,then ,i felt injured and inwardly accused ,ernest of unkindness in keeping so important a fact a secret4 ,but when ,i went back to my children1 vexation with him took flight at once4 ,the coming of each new child strengthens and deepens my desire to be what ,i would have it become2 makes my faults more odious in my eyes1 and elevates my whole character4 ,what a blessed discipline of joy and of pain my married life has been2 how thankful ,i am to reap its fruits even while pricked by its thorns6 ,,june #ba4-;,it seems that the happy man who has wooed ,martha and won her is no less a personage than old ,mr4 ,underhill4 ,his ideal of a woman is one who has no nerves1 no sentiment1 no backaches1 no headaches1 who will see that the wheels of his household machinery are kept well oiled1 so that he need never hear them creak1 and who1 in addition to her other accomplishments1 believes in him and will be kind enough to live forever for his private accommodation4 ,this expose of his sentiments he has made to me in a loud1 cheerful1 pompous way1 and he has also favored me with a description of his first wife1 who lacked all these qualifications1 and was obliging enough to depart in peace at an early stage of their married life1 meekly preferring thus to make way for a worthier successor4 ,mr4 ,underhill with all his foibles1 however1 is on the whole a good man4 ,he intends to take ,amelia's little girls into his own home1 and be a father1 as ,martha will be a mother1 to them4 ,for this reason he hurries on the marriage1 after which they will all go at once to his country-seat1 which is easy of access1 and which he says he is sure father will enjoy4 ,poor old father ,i hope he will1 but when the subject is alluded to he maintains a sombre silence1 and it seems to me he never spent so many days alone in his room1 brooding over his misery1 as he has of late4 ,oh1 that ,i could comfort him4 ,,july #ab4-,the marriage was appointed for the first of the month1 as old ,mr4 ,underhill wanted to get out of town before the ,fourth4 ,as the time drew near1 ,martha began to pack father's trunk as well as her own1 and brush in and out of his room till he had no rest for the sole of his foot1 and seemed as forlorn as a pelican in the wilderness4 ,i know no more striking picture of desolation than that presented by one of these quaint birds1 standing upon a single leg1 feeling as the story has it1 den ,jammer und das ,elend der ,welt4 ,on the last evening in ,june we all sat together on the piazza1 enjoying1 each in our own way1 a refreshing breeze that had sprung up after a sultry day4 ,father was quieter than usual1 and seemed very languid4 ,ernest who1 out of regard to ,martha's last evening at home1 had joined our little circle1 observed this1 and said1 cheerfully3 ,you will feel better as soon as you are once more out of the city1 father4 ,father made no reply for some minutes1 and when he did speak we were all startled to find that his voice trembled as if he were shedding tears4 ,we could not understand what he said4 ,i went to him and made him lean his head upon me as he often did when it ached4 ,he took my hand in both his4 ,you do love the old man a little8 he asked1 in the same tremulous voice4 ,indeed1 ,i do6 ,i cried1 greatly touched by his helpless appeal1 ,i love you dearly1 father4 ,and ,i shall miss you sadly4 ,must ,i go away then8 he whispered4 ,cannot ,i stay here till my summons hence8 ,it will not be long1 it will not be long1 my child4 ,with the cry of a hurt animal1 ,martha sprang up and rushed past us into the house4 ,ernest followed her1 and we heard them talking together a long time4 ,at last ,ernest joined us4 ,father1 he said1 ,martha is a good deal wounded and disappointed1 at your reluctance to1 go with her4 ,she threatened to break off her engagement rather than to be separated from you4 ,i really think you would be better off with her than with us4 ,you would enjoy country life1 because it is what you have been accustomed to2 you could spend hours of every day in driving about2 just what your health requires4 ,father did not reply4 ,he took ,ernest's arm and tottered into the house4 ,then we had a most painful scene4 ,martha reminded him with bitter tears that her mother had committed him to her with her last breath and set before him all the advantages he would have in her house over ours4 ,father sat pale and inflexible2 tear after tear rolling down his cheeks4 ,ernest looked distressed and ready to sink4 ,as for me ,i cried with ,martha1 and with her father by turns1 and clung to ,ernest with a feeling that all the foundations of the earth were giving way4 ,it came time for evening prayers1 and ,ernest prayed as he rarely does1 for he is rarely so moved4 ,he quieted us all by a few simple words of appeal to ,him who loved us1 and father then consented to spend the summer with ,martha if he might call our home his home1 and be with us through the winter4 ,but this was not till long after the rest of us went to bed1 and a hard battle with ,ernest4 ,he says ,ernest is his favorite child1 and that ,i am his favorite daughter1 and our children inexpressibly dear to him4 ,i am ashamed to write down what he said of me4 ,besides1 ,i am sure there is a wicked1 wicked triumph over ,martha in my secret heart4 ,i am too elated with his extraordinary preference for us1 to sympathize with her mortification and grief as ought4 ,something whispered that she who has never pitied me deserves no pity now4 ,but ,i do not like this mean and narrow spirit in myself2 nay more1 ,i hate and abhor it4 ,the marriage took place and they all went off together1 father's rigid1 white face1 whiter1 more rigid than ever4 ,i am to go to mother's with the children at once4 ,i feel that a great stone has been rolled away from before the door of my heart2 the one human being who refused me a kindly smile1 a sympathizing word1 has gone1 never to return4 ,may ,god go with her and give her a happy home1 and make her true and loving to those motherless little ones6 ,chapter #ai ,,xix4 ,,october #a4 ,i ,have had a charming summer with dear mother2 and now ,i have the great joy1 so long deferred1 of having her in my own home4 ,ernest has been very cordial about it1 and ,james has settled up all her worldly affairs1 so that she has nothing to do now but to love us and let us love her4 ,it is a pleasant picture to see her with my little darlings about her1 telling the old sweet story she told me so often1 and making ,god and ,heaven and ,christ such blissful realities4 ,as ,i listen1 ,i realize that it is to her ,i owe that early1 deeply-seated longing to please the ,lord ,jesus1 which ,i never remember as having a beginning1 or an ending1 though it did have its fluctuations4 ,and it is another pleasant picture to see her sit in her own old chair1 which ,ernest was thoughtful enough to have brought for her1 pondering cheerfully over her ,bible and her ,thomas a ,kempis just as ,i have seen her do ever since ,i can remember4 ,and there is still a third pleasant picture1 only that it is a new one2 it is as she sits at my right hand at the table1 the living personification of the blessed gospel of good tidings1 with father1 opposite1 the fading image of the law given by ,moses4 ,for father has come back2 father and all his ailments1 his pill-boxes1 his fits of despair and his fits of dying4 ,but he is quiet and gentle1 and even loving1 and as he sits in his corner1 his ,bible on his knees1 ,i see how much more he reads the ,new ,testament than he used to do1 and that the fourteenth chapter of ,st4 ,john almost opens to him of itself4 ,i must do ,martha the justice to say that her absence1 while it increases my domestic peace and happiness1 increases my cares also4 ,what with the children1 the housekeeping1 the thought for mother's little comforts and the concern for father's1 ,i am like a bit of chaff driven before the wind1 and always in a hurry4 ,there are so many stitches to be taken1 so many things to pass through one's brain6 ,mother says no mortal woman ought to undertake so much1 but what can ,i do8 ,while ,ernest is straining every nerve to pay off those debts1 ,i must do all the needlework1 and we must get along with servants whose want of skill makes them willing to put up with low wages4 ,of course ,i cannot tell mother this1 and ,i really believe she thinks ,i scrimp and pinch and overdo out of mere stinginess4 ,,december #cj4-;,ernest came to me to-day with our accounts for the last three months4 ,he looked quite worried1 for him1 and asked me if there were any expenses we could cut down4 ,my heart jumped up into my mouth1 and ,i said in an irritated way3 ,i am killing myself with over-work now4 ,mother says so4 ,i sew every night till twelve o'clock1 and ,i feel all jaded out4 ,i did not mean that ,i wanted you to do anymore than you are doing now1 dear1 he said1 kindly4 ,i know you are all jaded out1 and ,i look on this state of feverish activity with great anxiety4 ,are all these stitches absolutely necessary8 ,you men know nothing about such things1 ,i said1 while my conscience pricked me as ,i went on hurrying to finish the fifth tuck in one of ,una's little dresses4 ,of course ,i want my children to look decent4 ,ernest sighed4 ,i really don't know what to do1 he said1 in a hopeless way4 ,father's persisting in living with us is throwing a burden on you1 that with all your other cares is quite too much for you4 ,i see and feel it every day4 ,don't you think ,i had better explain this to him and let him go to ,martha's8 ,no1 indeed6 ,i said4 ,he shall stay here if it kills me1 poor old man6 ,ernest began once more to look over the bills4 ,i don't know how it is1 he said1 but since ,martha left us our expenses have increased a good deal4 ,now the truth is that when ,aunty paid me most generously for teaching her children1 ,i did not dare to offer my earnings to ,ernest1 lest he should be annoyed4 ,so ,i had quietly used it for household expenses1 and it had held out till about the time of ,martha's marriage4 ,ernest's injustice was just as painful1 just as insufferable as if he had known this1 and ,i now burst out with whatever my rasped1 over-taxed nerves impelled me to say1 like one possessed4 ,ernest was annoyed and surprised4 ,i thought we had done with these things1 he said1 and gathering up the papers he went off4 ,i rose and locked my door and threw myself down upon the floor in an agony of shame1 anger1 and physical exhaustion4 ,i did not know how large a part of what seemed mere childish ill-temper was really the cry of exasperated nerves1 that had been on too strained a tension1 and silent too long1 and ,ernest did not know it either4 ,how could he8 ,his profession kept him for hours every day in the open air2 there were times when his work was done and he could take entire rest2 and his health is absolutely perfect4 ,but ,i did not make any excuse for myself at the moment4 ,i was overwhelmed with the sense of my utter unfitness to be a wife and a mother4 ,then ,i heard ,ernest try to open the door2 and finding it locked1 he knocked1 calling pleasantly3 ,it is ,i1 darling2 let me in4 ,i opened it reluctantly enough4 ,come1 he said1 put on your things and drive about with me on my rounds4 ,i have no long visits to make1 and while ,i am seeing my patients you will be getting the air1 which you need4 ,i do not want to go1 ,i said4 ,i do not feel well enough4 ,besides1 there's my work4 ,you can't see to sew with these red eyes1 he declared4 ,come6 ,i prescribe a drive1 as your physician4 ,oh1 ,ernest1 how kind1 how forgiving you are81 ,i cried1 running into the arms he held out to me1 ,if you knew how ashamed1 how sorry1 ,i am6 ,and if you only knew how ashamed and sorry ,i am6 he returned4 ,i ought to have seen how you taxing and over-taxing yourself1 doing your work and ,martha's too4 ,it must not go on so4 ,by this time1 with a veil over my face1 he had got me downstairs and out into the air1 which fanned my fiery cheeks and cooled my heated brain4 ,it seemed to me that ,i have had all this tempest about nothing at all1 and that with a character still so undisciplined1 ,i was utterly unworthy to be either a wife or a mother4 ,but when ,i tried to say so in broken words1 ,ernest comforted me with the gentleness and tenderness of a woman4 ,your character is not undisciplined1 my darling1 he said4 ,your nervous organization is very peculiar1 and you have had unusual cares and trials from the beginning of our married life4 ,i ought not to have confronted you with my father's debts at a moment when you had every reason to look forward to freedom from most petty economies and cares4 ,don't say so1 ,i interrupted4 ,if you had not told me you had this draft on your resources ,i should have always suspected you of meanness4 ,for you know1 dear1 you have kept me-that is to say-you could not help it1 but ,i suppose men can't understand how many demands are made upon a mother for money almost every day4 ,i got along very well till the children came1 but since then it has been very hard4 ,yes1 he said1 ,i am sure it has4 ,but let me finish what ,i was going to say4 ,i want you to make a distinction for yourself1 which ,i make for you1 between mere ill-temper1 and the irritability that is the result of a goaded state of the nerves4 ,until you do that1 nothing can be done to relieve you from what ,i am sure1 distresses and grieves you exceedingly4 ,now1 ,i suppose that whenever you speak to me or the children in this irritated way you lose your own self-respect1 for the time1 at least1 and feel degraded in the sight of ,god also4 ,oh1 ,ernest6 there are no words in any language that mean enough to express the anguish ,i feel when ,i speak quick1 impatient words to you1 the one human being in the universe whom ,i love with all my heart and soul1 and to my darling little children who are almost as dear6 ,i pray and mourn over it day and night4 ,god only knows how ,i hate myself on account of this one horrible sin6 ,it is a sin only as you deliberately and wilfully fulfill the conditions that lead to such results4 ,now ,i am sure if you could once make up your mind in the fear of ,god1 never to undertake more work of any sort than you can carry on calmly1 quietly1 without hurry or flurry1 and the instant you find yourself growing nervous and like one out of breath1 would stop and take breath1 you would find this simple1 common-sense rule doing for you what no prayers or tears could ever accomplish4 ,will you try it for one month1 my darling8 ,but we can't afford it1 ,i cried1 with almost a groan4 ,why1 you have told me this very day that our expenses must be cut down1 and now you want me to add to them by doing less work4 ,but the work must be done4 ,the children must be clothed1 there is no end to the stitches to be taken for them1 and your stockings must be mended-you make enormous holes in them6 and you don't like it if you ever find a button wanting to a shirt or your supply of shirts getting low4 ,all you say may be very true1 he returned1 but ,i am determined that you shall not be driven to desperation as you have been of late4 ,by this time we had reached the house where his visit was to be made1 and ,i had nothing to do but lean back and revolve all he had been saying1 over and over again1 and to see its reasonableness while ,i could not see what was so be done for my relief4 ,ah1 ,i have often felt in moments of bitter grief at my impatience with my children1 that perhaps ,god pitied more than ,he blamed me for it6 ,and now my dear husband was doing the same6 ,when ,ernest had finished his visit we drove on again in silence4 ,at last1 ,i asked3 ,do tell me1 ,ernest1 if you worked out this problem all by yourself8 ,he smiled a little4 ,no1 ,i did not4 ,but ,i have had a patient for two or three years whose case has interested me a good deal1 and for whom ,i finally prescribed just as ,i have done for you4 ,the thing worked like a charm1 and she is now physically and morally quite well4 ,i dare say her husband is a rich man1 ,i said4 ,he is not as poor as your husband1 at any rate1 ,ernest replied4 ,but rich or poor ,i am determined not to sit looking on while you exert yourself so far beyond your strength4 ,just think1 dear1 suppose for fifty or a hundred or two hundred dollars a year you could buy a sweet1 cheerful1 quiet tone of mind1 would you hesitate one moment to do so8 ,and you can do it if you will4 ,you are not ill-tempered but quick-tempered2 the irritability which annoys you so is a physical infirmity which will disappear the moment you cease to be goaded into it by that exacting mistress you have hitherto been to yourself4 ,all this sounded very plausible while ,ernest was talking1 but the moment ,i got home ,i snatched up my work from mere force of habit4 ,i may as well finish this as it is begun1 ,i said to myself1 and the stitches flew from my needle like sparks of fire4 ,little ,ernest came and begged for a story1 but ,i put him off4 ,then ,una wanted to sit in my lap1 but ,i told her ,i was too busy4 ,in the course of an hour the influence of the fresh air and ,ernest's talk had nearly lost their power over me2 my thread kept breaking1 the children leaned on and tired me1 the baby woke up and cried1 and ,i got all out of patience4 ,do go away1 ,ernest1 ,i said1 and let mamma have a little peace4 ,don't you see how busy ,i am8 ,go and play with ,una like a good boy4 ,but he would not go1 and kept teasing ,una till she too1 began to cry1 and she and baby made a regular concert of it4 ,oh1 dear6 ,i sighed1 this work will never be done6 and threw it down impatiently1 and took the baby impatiently1 and began to walk up and down with him impatiently4 ,i was not willing that this little darling1 whom ,i love so dearly1 should get through with his nap and interrupt my work2 yet ,i was displeased with myself1 and tried by kissing him to make some amends for the hasty1 un pleasant tones with which ,i had grieved him and frightened the other children4 ,this evening ,ernest came to me with a larger sum of money than he had ever given me at one time4 ,now every cent of this is to be spent1 he said1 in having work done4 ,i know any number of poor women who will be thankful to have all you can give them4 ,dear me ,i it is easy to talk1 and ,i do feel grateful to ,ernest for his thoughtfulness and kindness4 ,but ,i am almost in rags1 and need every cent of this money to make myself decent4 ,i am positively ashamed to go anywhere1 my clothes are so shabby4 ,besides1 supposing ,i leave off sewing and all sorts of over-doing of a kindred nature1 ,i must nurse baby1 ,i suppose1 and be up with him nights and others will have their cross days and their sick and father will have his4 ,alas1 there can be for no royal road to a sweet1 cheerful1 quiet tone of mind6 ,,january #a1 #ahdd4-,mother says ,ernest is entirely right in forbidding my working so hard4 ,i own that ,i already feel better4 ,i have all the time ,i need to read my ,bible and to pray now1 and the children do not irritate and annoy me as they did4 ,who knows but ,i shall yet become quite amiable8 ,ernest made his father very happy to-day by telling him that the last of those wretched debts is paid4 ,i think that he might have told me that this deliverance was at hand4 ,i did not know but we had years of these struggles with poverty before us4 ,what with the relief from this anxiety1 my improved state of health1 and father's pleasure1 ,i am in splendid spirits to-day4 ,ernest1 too1 seems wonderfully cheerful1 and we both feel that we may now look forward to a quiet happiness we have never known4 ,with such a husband and such children as mine1 ,i ought to be the most grateful creature on earth4 ,and ,i have dear mother and ,james besides4 ,i don't quite know what to think about ,james' relation to ,lucy4 ,he is so brimful running over with happiness that he is also full of fun and of love1 and after all he may only like her as a cousin4 ,,feb4 #ad4-;,father has not been so well of late4 ,it seems as if he kept up until he was relieved about those debts1 and then sunk down4 ,i read to him a good deal1 and so does mother1 but his mind is still dark1 and he looks forward to the hour of death with painful misgivings4 ,he is getting a little childish about my leaving him1 and clings to me exactly as if ,i were his own child4 ,martha spends a good deal of time with him1 and fusses over him in a way that ,i wonder she does not see is annoying to him4 ,he wants to be read to1 to hear a hymn sung or a verse repeated1 and to be left otherwise in perfect quiet4 ,but she is continually pulling out and shaking up his pillows1 bathing his head in hot vinegar and soaking his feet4 ,it looks so odd to see her in one of the elegant silk dresses old ,mr4 ,underhill makes her wear1 with her sleeves rolled up1 the skirt hid away under a large apron1 rubbing away at poor father till it seems as if his tired soul would fly out of him4 ,,feb4 #bj4-;,father grows weaker every day4 ,ernest has sent for his other children1 ,john and ,helen4 ,martha is no longer able to come here2 her husband is very sick with a fever1 and cannot be left alone4 ,no doubt he enjoys her bustling way of nursing1 and likes to have his pillows pushed from under him every five minutes4 ,i am afraid ,i feel glad that she is kept away1 and that ,i have father all to myself4 ,ernest never was so fond of me as he is now4 ,i don't know what to make of it4 ,,feb #bb4-;,john and his wife and ,helen have come4 ,they stay at ,martha's1 where there is plenty of room4 ,john's wife is a little soft dumpling thing1 and looks up to him as a mouse would up at a steeple4 ,he strikes me as a very selfish man4 ,he steers straight for the best seat1 leaving her standing1 if need be1 accepts her humble attentions with the air of one collecting his just debt and is continually snubbing and setting her right4 ,yet in some things he is very like ,ernest1 and perhaps a wife destitute of self-assertion and without much individuality would have spoiled him as ,harriet has spoiled ,john4 ,for ,i think it must be partly her fault that he dares to be so egotistical4 ,helen1 is the dearest1 prettiest creature ,i ever saw4 ,oh1 why would ,james take a fancy to ,lucy6 ,i feel the new delight of having a sister to love and to admire4 ,and she will love me in time2 ,i feel sure of it4 ,,march #a4-;,father is very feeble and in great mental distress4 ,he gropes about in the dark1 and shudders at the approach of death4 ,we can do nothing but pray for him4 ,and the cloud will be lifted when he leaves this world1 if not before4 ,for ,i know he is a good1 yes1 a saintly man1 dear to and dear to ,christ4 ,,march #d4-;,dear father has gone4 ,we were all kneeling and praying and weeping around him1 when suddenly he called me to come to him4 ,i went and let him lean his head on my breast1 as he loved to do4 ,sometimes ,i have stood so by the hour together ready to sink with fatigue1 and only kept up with the thought that if this were my own precious father's bruised head ,i could stand and hold it forever4 ,daughter ,katherine1 he said1 in his faint1 tremulous way1 you have come with me to the very brink of the river4 ,i thank ,god for all your cheering words and ways4 ,i thank ,god for giving you to be a helpmeet to my son4 ,farewell1 now1 he added1 in a low1 firm voice1 ,i feel the bottom1 and it is good6 ,he lay back on his pillow looking upward with an expression of seraphic peace and joy on his worn1 meagre face1 and so his life passed gently away4 ,oh1 the affluence of ,god's payments6 ,what a recompense for the poor love ,i had given my husband's father1 and the poor little services ,i had rendered him6 ,oh1 that ,i had never been impatient with him1 never smiled at his peculiarities1 never in my secret heart felt him unwelcome to my home6 ,and how wholly ,i overlooked1 in my blind selfishness1 what he must have suffered in feeling himself1 homeless1 dwelling with us on sufferance1 but master and head nowhere on earth6 ,may ,god carry the lessons home to my heart of hearts1 and make the cloud of mingled remorse and shame which now envelops me to descend in showers of love and benediction on every human soul that mine can bless6 ,chapter #bj ,,xx4 ,,april4 ,i ,,have had a new lesson which has almost broken my heart4 ,in looking over his father's papers1 ,ernest found a little journal1 brief in its records indeed1 but we learn from it that on all those wedding and birthdays1 when ,i fancied his austere religion made him hold aloof from our merry-making1 he was spending the time in fasting and praying for us and for our children6 ,oh1 shall ,i ever learn the sweet charity that thinketh no evil1 and believeth all things8 ,what blessings may not have descended upon us and our children through those prayers6 ,what evils may they not have warded off6 ,dear old father6 ,oh1 that ,i could once more put my loving arms about him and bid him welcome to our home6 ,and how gladly would ,i now confess to him all my unjust judgments concerning him and entreat his forgiveness6 ,must life always go on thus8 ,must ,i always be erring1 ignorant and blind8 ,how ,i hate this arrogant sweeping past my brother man2 this utter ignoring of his hidden life8 ,i see now that it is well for mother that she did not come to live with me at the beginning of my married life4 ,i should not have borne with her little peculiarities1 nor have made her half so happy as ,i can now4 ,i thank ,god that my varied disappointments and discomforts1 my feeble health1 my poverty1 my mortifications have done me some little good1 and driven me to ,him a thousand times because ,i could not get along without ,his help4 ,but ,i am not satisfied with my state in ,his sight4 ,i am sure something is lacking1 though ,i know not what it is4 ,,may4-,helen is going to stay here and live with ,martha4 ,how glad how enchanted ,i am6 ,old ,mr4 ,underhill is getting well2 ,i saw him to-day4 ,he can talk of nothing but his illness1 of ,martha's wonderful skill in nursing him declaring that he owes his life to her4 ,i felt a little piqued at this speech1 because ,ernest was very attentive to him1 and no doubt did his share towards the cure4 ,we have fitted up father's room for a nursery4 ,hitherto all the children have had to sleep in our room which has been bad for them and bad for us4 ,i have been so afraid they would keep ,ernest awake if they were unwell and restless4 ,i have secured an excellent nurse1 who is as fresh and blooming as the flower whose name she bears4 ,the children are already attached to her1 and ,i feel that the worst of my life is now over4 ,,june4-,little ,ernest was taken sick on the day ,i wrote that4 ,the attack was fearfully sudden and violent4 ,he is still very1 very ill4 ,i have not forgotten that ,i said once that ,i would give my children to ,god should ,he ask for them4 ,and ,i will4 ,but oh1 this agony of suspense6 ,it eats into my soul and eats it away4 ,oh1 my little ,ernest6 ,my first-born son6 ,my pride1 my joy1 my hope6 ,and ,i thought the worst of my life was over6 ,,august4-,we have come into the country with what ,god has left us1 our two youngest children4 ,yes1 ,i have tasted the bitter cup of bereavement1 and drunk it down to its dregs4 ,i gave my darling to ,god1 ,i gave him1 ,i gave him6 ,but1 oh1 with what anguish ,i saw those round1 dimpled limbs wither and waste away1 the glad smile fade forever from that beautiful face6 ,what a fearful thing it is to be a mother6 ,but ,i have given my child to ,god4 ,i would not recall him if ,i could4 ,i am thankful ,he has counted me worthy to present ,him so costly a gift4 ,i cannot shed a tear1 and ,i must find relief in writing1 or ,i shall lose my senses4 ,my noble1 beautiful boy6 ,my first-born son6 ,and to think that my delicate little ,una still lives1 and that death has claimed that bright1 glad creature who was the sunshine of our home6 ,but let me not forget my mercies4 ,let me not forget that ,i have a precious husband and two darling children1 and my kind1 sympathizing mother left to me4 ,let me not forget how many kind friends gathered about us in our sorrow4 ,above all let me remember ,god's loving-kindness and tender mercy4 ,he has not left us to the bitterness of a grief that refuses and disdains to be comforted4 ,we believe in ,him1 we love ,him1 we worship as we never did before4 ,my dear ,ernest has felt this sorrow to his heart's core4 ,but he has not for one moment questioned the goodness or the love of our ,father in thus taking from us the child who promised to be our greatest earthly joy4 ,our consent to ,god's will has drawn us together very closely1 together we bear the yoke in our youth1 together we pray and sing praises in the very midst of our tears ,i was dumb with silence because ,thou didst it4 ,,sept4 ,the old pain and cough have come back with the first cool nights of this month4 ,perhaps ,i am going to my darling--,i do not know ,i am certainly very feeble4 ,consenting to suffer does not annul the suffering4 ,such a child could not go hence without rending and tearing its way out of the heart that loved it4 ,this world is wholly changed to me and ,i walk in it like one in a dream4 ,and dear ,ernest is changed1 too4 ,he says little1 and is all kindness and goodness to me1 but ,i can see here is a wound that will never be healed4 ,i am confined to my room now with nothing do but to think1 think1 think4 ,i do not believe ,god has taken our child in mere displeasure1 but cannot but feel that this affliction might not have been necessary if ,i had not so chafed and writhed and secretly repined at the way in which my home was invaded1 and at our galling poverty4 ,god has exchanged the one discipline for the other2 and oh1 how far more bitter is this cup6 ,oct4 #d4-,my darling boy would have been six years old to-day4 ,ernest still keeps me shut up1 but he rather urges my seeing a friend now and4 ,people say very strange things in the way of consolation4 ,i begin to think that a tender clasp of the hand is about all one can give to the afflicted4 ,one says ,i must not grieve1 because my child is better off in heaven4 ,yes1 he is better off2 ,i know it1 ,i feel it2 but ,i miss him none the less4 ,others say he might have grown up to be a bad man and broken my heart4 ,perhaps he might1 but ,i cannot make myself believe that likely4 ,one lady asked me if this affliction was not a rebuke of my idolatry of my darling2 and another1 if ,i had not been in a cold1 worldly state1 needing this severe blow on that account4 ,but ,i find no consolation or support in the remarks4 ,my comfort is in my perfect faith in the goodness and love of my ,father1 my certainty that ,he had a reason in thus afflicting me that ,i should admire and adore if ,i knew what it was4 ,and in the midst of my sorrow ,i have had and do have a delight in ,him hitherto unknown1 so that sometimes this room in which ,i am a prisoner seems like the very gate of heaven4 ,,may4-,a long winter in my room1 and all sorts of painful remedies and appliances and deprivations4 ,and now ,i am getting well1 and drive out every day4 ,martha sends her carriage1 and mother goes with me4 ,dear mother6 ,how nearly perfect she is6 ,i never saw a sweeter face1 nor ever heard sweeter expressions of faith in ,god1 and love to all about her than hers4 ,she has been my tower strength all through these weary months2 and she has shared my sorrow and made it her own4 ,i can see that dear ,ernest's affliction and this prolonged anxiety about me have been a heavenly benediction to him ,i am sure that every mother whose sick child he visits will have a sympathy he could not have given while all our own little ones were alive and well4 ,i thank ,god that ,he has thus increased my dear husband's usefulness as ,i think that ,he has mine also4 ,how tenderly ,i already feel towards all suffering children1 and how easy it will be now to be patient with them6 ,,keene1 ,n4 ,h4 ,,july #ab4-;,it is a year ago this day that the brightest sunshine faded out of our lives1 and our beautiful boy was taken from us4 ,i have been tempted to spend this anniversary in bitter tears and lamentations4 ,for oh1 this sorrow is not healed by time6 ,i feel it more and more4 ,but ,i begged ,god when ,i first awoke this morning not to let me so dishonor and grieve ,him4 ,i may suffer1 ,i must suffer1 ,he means it1 ,he wills it1 but let it be without repining1 without gloomy despondency4 ,the world is full of sorrow2 it is not ,i alone who taste its bitter draughts1 nor have ,i the only right to a sad countenance4 ,oh1 for patience to bear on1 cost what it may6 ,cheerfully and gratefully ,i lay myself and all that ,i am or own at the feet of ,him who redeemed me with ,his precious blood1 engaging to follow ,him1 bearing the cross ,he lays upon me4 ,this is the least ,i can do1 and ,i do it while my heart lies broken and bleeding at ,his feet4 ,my dear little ,una has improved somewhat in health1 but ,i am never free from anxiety about her4 ,she is my milk-white lamb1 my dove1 my fragrant flower4 ,one cannot look in her pure face without a sense of peace and rest4 ,she is the sentinel who voluntarily guards my door when ,i am engaged at my devotions2 she is my little comforter when ,i am sad1 my companion and friend at all times4 ,i talk to her of ,christ1 and always have done1 just as ,i think of ,him1 and as if ,i expected sympathy from her in my love to ,him4 ,it was the same with my darling ,ernest4 ,if ,i required a little self-denial1 ,i said cheerfully1 ,this is hard1 but doing it for our best ,friend sweetens it1 and their alacrity was pleasant to see4 ,ernest threw his whole soul into whatever he did1 and sometimes when engaged in play would hesitate a little when directed to do something else1 such as carrying a message for me1 and the like4 ,but if ,i said1 ,if you do this cheerfully and pleasantly1 my darling1 you do it for ,jesus1 and that will make ,him smile upon you1 he would invariably yield at once4 ,is not this the true1 the natural way of linking every little daily act of a child's life with that ,divine ,love1 that ,divine ,life which gives meaning to all things8 ,but what do ,i mean by the vain boast that ,i have always trained my children thus8 ,alas6 ,i have done it only at times2 for while my theory was sound1 my temper of mind was but too often unsound4 ,i was often and often impatient with my dear little boy2 often my tone was a worldly one2 ,i often full of eager interest in mere outside things1 and forgot that ,i was living or that my children were living save for the present moment4 ,it seems now that ,i have a child in heaven1 and am bound to the invisible world by such a tie that ,i can never again be entirely absorbed by this4 ,i fancy my ardent1 eager little boy as having some such employments in his new and happy home as he had here4 ,i see him loving ,him who took children in ,his arms and blessed them1 with all the warmth of which his nature is capable1 and as perhaps employed as one of those messengers whom ,god sends forth as ,his ministers4 ,for ,i cannot think of those active feet1 those busy hands as always quiet4 ,ah1 my darling1 that ,i could look in upon you for a moment1 a single moment1 and catch one of your radiant smiles2 just one6 ,,august #d4-;,how full are ,david's ,psalms of the cry of the sufferer6 ,he must have experienced every kind of bodily and mental torture4 ,he gives most vivid illustrations of the wasting1 wearing process of disease-for instance1 what a contrast is the picture we have of him when he was ruddy1 and withal of a beautiful countenance1 and goodly to look to1 and the one he paints of himself in after years1 when he says1 ,i may tell all my bones they look and stare upon me2 my days are like a shadow that declineth1 and ,i am withered like grass4 ,i am weary with groaning2 all the night make ,i my bed to swim2 ,i water my couch with my tears4 ,for my soul is full of troubles2 and my life draweth near unto the grave4 ,and then what wails of anguish are these6 ,i am afflicted1 and ready to die from my youth up1 while ,i suffer thy terrors ,i am distracted4 ,thy wrath lieth hard upon me and thou hast afflicted me with all thy waves4 ,all thy waves and thy billows have gone over me4 ,lover and friend hast thou put far from me1 and mine acquaintance into utter darkness4 ,yet through it all what grateful joy in ,god1 what expressions of living faith and devotion6 ,during my long illness and confinement to my room1 the ,bible has been almost a new book to me1 and ,i see that ,god has always dealt with ,his children as ,he deals with them now1 and that no new thing has befallen me4 ,all these weary days so full of languor1 these nights so full of unrest1 have had their appointed mission to my soul4 ,and perhaps ,i have had no discipline so salutary as this forced inaction and uselessness1 at a time when youth and natural energy continually cried out for room and work4 ,,august #ae4-;,i dragged out my drawing materials in a listless way this morning1 and began to sketch the beautiful scene from my window4 ,at first ,i could not feel interested4 ,it seemed as if my hand was crippled and lost its cunning when it unloosed its grasp of little ,ernest1 and let him go4 ,but ,i prayed1 as ,i worked1 that ,i might not yield to the inclination to despise and throw away the gift with which ,god has ,himself endowed me4 ,mother was gratified1 and said it rested her to see me act like myself once more4 ,ah1 ,i have been very selfish1 and have been far too much absorbed with my sorrow and my illness and my own petty struggles4 ,,august #ai4-;,i met to-day an old friend1 ,maria ,kelly1 who is married1 it seems1 and settled down in this pretty village4 ,she asked so many questions about my little ,ernest that ,i had to tell her the whole story of his precious life1 sickness and death4 ,i forced myself to do this quietly1 and without any great demand on her sympathies4 ,my reward for the constraint ,i thus put upon myself was the abrupt question3 ,haven't you grown stoical8 ,i felt the angry blood rush through my veins as it has not done in a long time4 ,my pride was wounded to the quick1 and those cruel1 unjust words still rankle in my heart4 ,this is not as it should be4 ,i am constantly praying that my pride may be humbled1 and then when it is attacked1 ,i shrink from the pain the blow causes1 and am angry with the hand that inflicts it4 ,it is just so with two or three unkind things ,martha has said to me4 ,i can't help brooding over them and feeling stung with their injustice1 even while making the most desperate struggle to rise above and forget them4 ,it is well for our fellow-creatures that ,god forgives and excuses them1 when we fail to do it1 and ,i can easily fancy that poor ,maria ,kelly is at this moment dearer in ,his sight than ,i am who have taken fire at a chance word4 ,and ,i can see now1 what ,i wonder ,i did not see at the time1 that ,god was dealing very kindly and wisely with me when ,he made ,martha overlook my good qualities1 of which ,i suppose ,i have some1 as everybody else has1 and call out all my bad ones1 since the axe was thus laid at the root of self-love4 ,and it is plain that self-love cannot die without a fearful struggle4 ,,may #bf1 #ahdf4-;,how long it is since ,i have written in my journal6 ,we have had a winter full of cares1 perplexities and sicknesses4 ,mother began it by such a severe attack of inflammatory rheumatism as ,i could not have supposed she could live through4 ,her sufferings were dreadful1 and ,i might almost say her patience was1 for ,i often thought it would be less painful to hear her groan and complain1 than to witness such heroic fortitude1 such sweet docility under ,god's hand4 ,i hope ,i shall never forget the lessons ,i have learned in her sick-room4 ,ernest says he never shall cease to rejoice that she lives with us1 and that he can watch over her health4 ,he1 has indeed been like a son to her1 and this has been a great solace amid all her sufferings4 ,before she was able to leave the room1 poor little ,una was prostrated by one of her ill turns1 and is still very feeble4 ,the only way in which she can be diverted is by reading to her1 and ,i have done little else these two months but hold her in my arms1 singing little songs and hymns1 telling stories and reading what few books ,i can find that are unexciting1 simple1 yet entertaining4 ,my precious little darling6 ,she bears the yoke in her youth without a frown1 but it is agonizing to see her suffer so4 ,how much easier it would be to bear all her physical infirmities myself6 ,i suppose to those who look on from the outside1 we must appear like a most unhappy family1 since we hardly get free from one trouble before another steps in4 ,but ,i see more and more that happiness is not dependent on health or any other outside prosperity4 ,we are at peace with each other and at peace with ,god2 ,his dealings with us do not perplex or puzzle us1 though we do not pretend to understand them4 ,on the other hand1 ,martha with absolutely perfect health1 with a husband entirely devoted to her1 and with every wish gratified1 yet seems always careworn and dissatisfied4 ,her servants worry her very life out2 she misses the homely household duties to which she has been accustomed2 and her conscience stumbles at little things1 and overlooks greater ones4 ,it is very interesting1 ,i think1 to study different homes1 as well as the different characters that form them4 ,amelia's little girls are quiet1 good children1 to whom their father writes what ,mr4 ,underhill and ,martha pronounce beautiful letters1 wherein he always styles himself their broken-hearted but devoted father4 ,devotion1 to my mind1 involves self-sacrifice1 and ,i cannot reconcile its use1 in this case1 with the life of ease he leads1 while all the care of his children is thrown upon others4 ,but some people1 by means of a few such phrases1 not only impose upon themselves but upon their friends1 and pass for persons of great sensibility4 ,as ,i have been confined to the house nearly the whole winter1 ,i have had to derive my spiritual support from books1 and as mother gradually recovered1 she enjoyed ,leighton with me1 as ,i knew she would4 ,dr4 ,cabot comes to see us very often1 but1 ,i do not now find it possible to get the instruction from him ,i used to do4 ,i see that the ,christian life must be individual1 as the natural character is-and that ,i cannot be exactly like ,dr4 ,cabot1 or exactly like ,mrs4 ,campbell1 or exactly like mother1 though they all three stimulate and are an inspiration to me4 ,but ,i see1 too1 that the great points of similarity in ,christ's disciples have always been the same4 ,this is the testimony of all the good books1 sermons1 hymns1 and1 memoirs ,i read-that ,god's ways are infinitely perfect2 that we are to love ,him for what ,he is1 and therefore equally as much when ,he afflicts as when ,he prospers us2 that there is no real happiness but in doing and suffering ,his will1 and that this life is but a scene of probation through which we pass to the real life above4 ,chapter #ba ,,xxi4 ,,may #cj4 ,,ernest asked me to go with him to see one of his patients1 as he often does when there is a lull in the tempest at home4 ,we both feel that as we have so little money of our own to give away1 it is a privilege to give what services and what cheering words we can4 ,as ,i took it for granted that we were going to see some poor old woman1 ,i put up several little packages of tea and sugar1 with which ,susan ,green always keeps me supplied1 and added a bottle of my own raspberry vinegar1 which never comes amiss1 ,i find1 to old people4 ,ernest drove to the door of an aristocratic-looking house1 and helped me to alight in his usual silence4 ,it is probably one of the servants we are going to visit1 ,i thought1 within myself2 but ,i am surprised at his bringing me4 ,the family may not approve it4 ,the next thing ,i knew ,i found myself being introduced to a beautiful1 brilliant young lady1 who sat in a wheel-chair like a queen on a throne in a room full of tasteful ornaments1 flowers and birds4 ,now1 ,i had come away just as ,i was1 when ,ernest called me1 and that was means a very plain gingham dress wherein ,i had been darning stockings all the morning4 ,i suppose a saint wouldn't have cared for that1 but ,i did1 and for a moment stood the picture of confusion1 my hands full of oddly shaped parcels and my face all in a flame4 ,my wife1 ,miss ,clifford1 ,i heard ,ernest say1 and then ,i caught the curious1 puzzled look in her eyes1 which said as plainly as words could do3 ,what has the creature brought me8 ,i ask your pardon1 ,miss ,clifford1 ,i said1 thinking it best to speak out just the honest truth1 but ,i supposed the doctor was taking me to see some of his old women1 and so ,i have brought you a little tea1 and a little sugar1 and a bottle of raspberry vinegar6 ,how delicious6 cried she4 ,it really rests me to meet with a genuine human being at last6 ,why didn't you make some stiff1 prim speech1 instead of telling the truth out and out8 ,i declare ,i mean to keep all you have brought me1 just for the fun of the thing4 ,this put me at ease1 and ,i forgot all about my dress in a moment4 ,i see you are just what the doctor boasted you were1 she went on4 ,but he never would bring you to see me before4 ,i suppose he has told you why ,i could not go to see you8 ,to tell the truth1 he never speaks to me of his patients unless he thinks ,i can be of use to them4 ,i dare say ,i do not look much like an invalid1 said she2 but here ,i am1 tied to this chair4 ,it is six months since ,i could bear my own weight upon my feet4 ,i saw then that though her face was so bright and full of color1 her hand was thin and transparent4 ,but what a picture she made as she sat there in magnificent beauty1 relieved by such a back-ground of foliage1 flowers1 and artistic objects6 ,i told the doctor the other day that life was nothing but a humbug1 and he said he should bring me a remedy against that false notion the next time he came1 and you1 ,i suppose1 are that remedy1 she continued4 ,come1 begin2 ,i am ready to take any number of doses4 ,i could only laugh and try to look daggers at ,ernest1 who sat looking over a magazine1 apparently absorbed in its contents4 ,ah6 she cried1 nodding her head sagaciously1 ,i knew you would agree with me4 ,agree with you in calling life a humbug6 ,i cried1 now fairly aroused4 ,death itself is not more a reality6 ,i have not tried death yet1 she said1 more seriously2 but ,i have tried life twenty-five years and ,i know all about it4 ,it is eat1 drink1 sleep yawn and be bored4 ,it is what shall ,i wear1 where shall ,i go1 how shall ,i get rid of the time2 it says1 ',how do you do8 how is your husband8 ,how are your children8 '-it means1 ',now ,i have asked all the conventional questions1 and ,i don't care a fig what their answer may be4' ,this may be its meaning to some persons1 ,i replied1 for instance1 to mere pleasure-seekers4 ,but of course it is interpreted quite differently by others4 ,to some it means nothing but a dull1 hopeless struggle with poverty and hardship--and its whole aspect might be changed to them1 should those who do not know what to do to get rid of the time1 spend their surplus leisure in making this struggle less brutalizing4 ,yes1 ,i have heard such doctrine1 and at one time ,i tried charity myself4 ,i picked up a dozen or so of dirty little wretches out of the streets1 and undertook to clothe and teach them4 ,i might as well have tried to instruct the chairs in my room4 ,besides the whole house had to be aired after they had gone1 and mamma missed two teaspoons and a fork and was perfectly disgusted with the whole thing4 ,then ,i fell to knitting socks for babies1 but they only occupied my hands1 and my head felt as empty as ever4 ,mamma took me off on a journey1 as she always did when ,i took to moping1 and that diverted me for a while4 ,but after that everything went on in the old way4 ,i got rid of part of the day by changing my dress1 and putting on my pretty things-it is a great thing to have a habit of wearing one's ornaments1 for instance2 and then in the evening one could go to the opera or the theater1 or some other place of amusement1 after which one could sleep all through the next morning1 and so get rid of that4 ,but ,i had been used to such things all my life1 and they had got to be about as flat as flat can be4 ,if ,i had been born a little earlier in the history of the world1 ,i would have gone into a convent2 but that sort of thing is out of fashion now4 ,the best convent1 ,i said1 for a woman is the seclusion of her own home4 ,there she may find vocation and fight her battles1 and there she may learn the reality and the earnestness of life4 ,pshaw6 cried she4 ,excuse me1 however1 saying that2 but some of the most brilliant girls ,i know have settled down into mere married women and spend their whole time in nursing babies6 ,think how belittling6 ,is it more so than spending it in dressing1 driving1 dancing1 and the like8 ,of course it is4 ,i had a friend once who shone like a star in society4 ,she married1 and children as fast as she could4 ,well6 what consequence8 ,she lost her beauty1 lost her spirit and animation1 lost her youth1 and lost her health4 ,the only earthly things she can talk about are teething1 dieting1 and the measles6 ,i laughed at this exaggeration1 and looked round to see what ,ernest thought of such talk4 ,but he had disappeared4 ,as you have spoken plainly to me1 knowing1 me1 to be a wife and a mother1 you must allow me to 'speak plainly in return1 ,i began4 ,oh1 speak plainly1 by all means6 ,i am quite sick and tired of having truth served up in pink cotton1 and scented with lavender4 ,then you will permit me to say that when you speak contemptuously of the vocation of maternity1 you dishonor1 not only the mother who bore you1 but the ,lord ,jesus ,himself1 who chose to be born of woman1 and to be ministered unto by her through a helpless infancy4 ,miss ,clifford was a little startled4 ,how terribly in earnest you are6 she said4 ,it is plain that to you1 at any rate1 life is indeed no humbug4 ,i thought of my dear ones1 of ,ernest1 of my children1 of mother1 and of ,james1 and ,i thought of my love to them and of theirs to me4 ,and ,i thought of ,him who alone gives reality to even such joys as these4 ,my face must have been illuminated by the thought1 for she dropped the bantering tone she had used hitherto1 and asked1 with real earnestness3 ,what is it you know1 and that ,i do not know1 that makes you so satisfied1 while ,i am so dissatisfied8 ,i hesitated before ,i answered1 feeling as ,i never felt before how ignorant1 how unfit to lead others1 ,i really am4 ,then ,i said3 ,perhaps you need to know ,god1 to know ,christ8 ,she looked disappointed and tired4 ,so ,i came away1 first promising1 at her request1 to go to see her again4 ,i found ,ernest just driving up1 and told him what had passed4 ,he listened in his usual silence1 and ,i longed to have him say whether ,i had spoken wisely and well4 ,,june #a4-;,i have been to see ,miss ,clifford again and made mother go with me4 ,miss ,clifford took a fancy to her at once4 ,ah6 she said1 after one glance at the dear1 loving face1 nobody need tell me that you are good and kind4 ,but ,i am a little afraid of good people4 ,i fancy they are always criticising me and expecting me to imitate their perfection4 ,perfection does not exact perfection1 was mother's answer4 ,i would rather be judged by an angel than by a man4 ,and then mother led her on1 little by little1 and most adroitly1 to talk of herself and of her state of health4 ,she is an orphan and lives in this great1 stately house alone with her servants4 ,until she was laid aside by the state pf her health1 she lived in the world and of it4 ,now she is a prisoner1 and prisoners have time to think4 ,here ,i sit1 she said1 all day long4 ,i never was fond of staying at home1 or of reading1 and needlework ,i absolutely hate4 ,in fact1 ,i do not know how to sew4 ,some such pretty1 feminine work might beguile you of a few of the long hours of these long days1 said mother4 ,one can't be always reading4 ,but a lady came to see me1 a ,mrs4 ,goodhue1 one of your good sort1 ,i suppose1 and she preached me quite a sermon on the employment of time4 ,she said ,i had a solemn admonition of ,providence1 and ought to devote myself entirely to religion4 ,i had just begun to be interested in a bit of embroidery1 but she frightened me out of it4 ,but ,i can't bear such dreadfully good people1 with faces a mile long4 ,mother made her produce the collar1 or whatever it was1 showed her how to hold her needle and arrange her pattern1 and they both got so absorbed in it that ,i had leisure to look at some of the beautiful things with which the room was full4 ,make the object of your life right1 ,i heard mother say1 at last1 and these little details will take care of themselves4 ,but ,i haven't any object1 ,miss ,clifford objected1 unless it is to get through these tedious days somehow4 ,before ,i was taken ill my chief object was to make myself attractive to the people ,i met4 ,and the easiest way to do that was to dress becomingly and make myself look as well as ,i could4 ,i suppose1 said mother1 that most girls could say the same4 ,they have an instinctive desire to please1 and they take what they conceive to be the shortest and easiest road to that end4 ,it requires no talent1 no education1 no thought to dress tastefully2 the most empty-hearted frivolous young person can do it1 provided she has money enough4 ,those who can't get the money make up for it by fearful expenditure of precious time4 ,they plan1 they cut1 they fit1 they rip1 they trim till they can appear in society looking exactly like everybody else4 ,they think of nothing1 talk of nothing but how this shall be fashioned and that be trimmed2 and as to their hair1 ,satan uses it as his favorite net1 and catches them in it every day of their lives4 ,but ,i never cut or trimmed1 said ,miss ,clifford4 ,no1 because you could afford to have it done for you4 ,but you acknowledge that you spent a great deal of time in dressing because you thought that the easiest way of making yourself attractive4 ,but it does not follow that the easiest way is the best way1 and sometimes the longest way round is the shortest way home4 ,for instance8 ,well1 let us imagine a young lady1 living in the world as you say you lived4 ,she has never seriously reflected on any subject one half hour in her life4 ,she has been borne on by the current and let it take her where it would4 ,but at last some influence is brought to bear upon her which leads her to stop to look about her and to think4 ,she finds herself in a world of serious1 momentous events4 ,she see she cannot live in it1 was not meant to live in it forever1 and that her whole unknown future depends on what she is1 not on how she looks4 ,she begins to cast about for some plan of life1 and this leads--- ,a plan of life8 ,miss ,clifford interrupted4 ,i never heard of such a thing4 ,yet you would smile at an architect1 who having a noble structure to build1 should begin to work on it in a haphazard way1 putting in a brick here and a stone there1 weaving in straws and sticks if they come to hand1 and when asked on what work he was engaged1 and what manner of building he intended to erect1 should reply he had no plan1 but thought something would come of it4 ,miss ,clifford made no reply4 ,she sat with her head resting on her band1 looking dreamily before her1 a truly beautiful1 but unconscious picture4 ,i too1 began to reflect1 that while ,i had really aimed to make the most out of life1 ,i had not done it methodically or intelligently4 ,we are going to try to stay in town this summer4 ,hitherto ,ernest would not listen to my suggestion of what an economy this would be4 ,he always said this would turn out anything but an economy in the end4 ,but now we have no teething baby2 little ,raymond is a strong1 healthy child1 and ,una remarkably well for her1 and money is so slow to come in and so fast to go out4 ,what discomforts we suffer in the country it would take a book to write down1 and here we shall have our own home1 as usual4 ,i shall not have to be separated from ,ernest1 and shall have leisure to devote to two very interesting people who must stay in town all the year round1 no matter who goes out of it4 ,i mean dear ,mrs4 ,campbell and ,miss ,clifford1 who both attract me1 though in such different ways4 ,chapter #bb ,,xxii4 ,,october4 ,,well1 ,i had my own way1 and ,i am afraid it has been an unwise one1 for though ,i have enjoyed the leisure afforded by everybody being out of town1 and the opportunity it has given me to devote myself to the very sweetest work on earth1 the care of my darling little ones1 the heat and the stifling atmosphere have been trying for me and for them4 ,my pretty ,rose went last ,may1 to bloom in a home of her own1 so ,i thought ,i would not look for a nurse1 but take the whole care of them myself4 ,this would not be much of a task to a strong person1 but ,i am not strong1 and a great deal of the time just dressing them and taking them out to walk has exhausted me4 ,then all the mending and other sewing must be done1 and with the over-exertion creeps in the fretful tone1 the impatient word4 ,yet ,i never can be as impatient with little children as ,i should be but for the remembrance that ,i should count it only a joy to minister once more to my darling boy1 cost what weariness it might4 ,but now new cares are at hand1 and ,i have been searching for a person to whom ,i can safely trust my children when ,i am laid aside4 ,thus far ,i have had1 in this capacity1 three different ,temptations in human form4 ,the first1 a smart1 tidy-looking woman1 informed me at the outset that she was perfectly competent to take the whole charge of the children1 and should prefer my attending to my own affairs while she attended to hers4 ,i replied that my affairs lay chiefly in caring for and being with my children2 to which she returned that she feared ,i should not suit her1 as she had her own views concerning the training of children4 ,she added1 with condescension1 that at all events she should expect in any case of difference 7of judgment7 between us1 that ,i1 being the younger and least experienced of the two1 should always yield to her4 ,she then went on to give me her views on the subject of nursery management4 ,in the first place1 she said1 ,i never pet or fondle children4 ,it makes them babyish and sickly4 ,oh1 ,i see you will not suit me1 ,i cried4 ,you need go no farther4 ,i consider love the best educator for a little child4 ,indeed1 ,i think ,i shall suit you perfectly1 she replied1 nothing daunted4 ,i have been in the business twenty years1 and have always suited wherever ,i lived4 ,you will be surprised to see how much sewing ,i shall accomplish1 and how quiet ,i shall keep the children4 ,but ,i don't want them kept quiet1 ,i persisted4 ,i want them to be as merry and cheerful as crickets1 and ,i care a great deal more to have them amused than to have the sewing done1 though that is important1 ,i confess4 ,very well1 ma'am1 ,i will sit and rock them by the hour if you wish it4 ,but ,i don't wish it1 ,i cried1 exasperated at the coolness which gave her such an advantage over me4 ,let us say no more about it2 you do not suit me1 and the sooner we part the better4 ,i must be mistress of my own house1 and ,i want no advice in relation to my children4 ,i shall hardly leave you before you will regret parting with me1 she returned1 in a placid1 pitying1 way4 ,i was afraid ,i had not been quite dignified in my interview with this person1 with whom ,i ought to have had no discussion1 and my equanimity was not restored by her shaking hands with me a patronizing way at parting1 and expressing the hope that ,i should one day be a green tree in the ,paradise of ,god4 ,nor was it any too great a consolation to find that she had suggested to my cook that my intellect was not quite sound4 ,temptation the second confessed that she knew nothing1 but was willing to be taught4 ,yes1 she might be willing1 but she could not be taught4 ,she could not see why ,herbert should not have everything he chose to cry for1 nor why she should not take the children to the kitchens where her friends abode1 instead of keeping them out in the air4 ,she could not understand why she must not tell ,una every half hour that she was as fair as a lily1 and that the little angels in heaven cried for such hair as hers4 ,and there was no rhyme or reason1 to her mind1 why she could not have her friends visit in her nursery1 since1 as she declared1 the cook would hear all her secrets if she received them in the kitchen4 ,her assurance that she thought me a very nice lady1 and that there never were two such children as mine1 failed to move my hard heart1 and ,i was thankful when ,i got her out of the house4 ,temptation the third appeared1 for a time1 the perfection of a nurse4 ,she kept herself and the nursery and the children in most refreshing order2 she amused ,una when she was more than usually unwell with a perfect fund of innocent stories2 the work flew from her nimble fingers as if by magic4 ,i boasted everywhere of my good luck1 and sang her praises in ,ernest's ears till he believed in her with all his heart4 ,but one night we were out late2 we had been spending the evening at ,aunty's1 and came in with ,ernest's night-key as quietly as possible1 in order not to arouse the children4 ,i stole softly to the nursery to see if all was going on well there4 ,bridget1 it seems1 had taken the opportunity to wash her clothes in the nursery1 and they hung all about the room drying1 a hot fire raging for the purpose4 ,in the midst of them1 with a candle and prayer-book on a chair1 ,bridget knelt fast asleep1 the candle within an inch of her sleeve4 ,her assurance when ,i aroused her that she was not asleep1 but merely rapt in devotion1 did not soften my hard heart1 nor was ,i moved by the representation that she was a saint1 and always wore black on that account4 ,i packed her off in anything but a saintly frame1 and felt that a fourth ,temptation would scatter what little grace ,i possessed to the four winds4 ,these changes upstairs made discord2 too1 below4 ,my cook was displeased at so much coming and going1 and made the kitchen a sort of a purgatory which ,i dreaded to enter4 ,at last1 when her temper fairly ran away with her1 and she became impertinent to the last degree1 ,i said1 coolly3 ,if any lady should speak to me in this way ,i should resent it4 ,but no lady would so far forget herself4 ,and ,i overlook your rudeness on the ground that you do not know better than to use of such expressions4 ,this capped the climax6 ,she declared that she had never been told before that she was no and did not know how to behave1 and gave warning at once4 ,i wish ,i could help running to tell ,ernest all these annoyances4 ,it does no good1 and only worries him4 ,but how much of a woman's life is made up of such trials and provocations6 and how easy is when on one's knees to bear them aright1 and how far easier to bear them wrong when one finds the coal going too fast1 the butter out just as sitting down to breakfast1 the potatoes watery and the bread sour or heavy6 ,and then when one is well nigh desperate1 does one's husband fail to say1 in bland tones3 ,my dear1 if you would just speak to ,bridget1 ,i am sure she would improve4 ,oh1 that there were indeed magic in a spoken word6 ,and do what ,i can1 the money ,ernest gives me will not hold out4 ,he knows absolutely nothing about that hydra-headed monster1 a household4 ,i have had to go back to sewing as furiously as ever4 ,and with the sewing the old pain in the side has come back1 and the sharp1 quick speech that ,i hate1 and1 that ,ernest hates1 and that everybody hates4 ,i groan1 being burdened1 and am almost weary of my life4 ,and my prayers are all mixed up with worldly thoughts and cares4 ,i am appalled at all the things that have got to be done before winter1 and am tempted to cut short my devotions in order to have more time to accomplish what ,i must accomplish4 ,how have ,i got into this slough8 ,when was it that ,i came down from the ,mount where ,i had seen the ,lord1 and came back to make these miserable1 petty things as much my business as ever8 ,oh1 these fluctuations in my religious life amaze me6 ,i cannot doubt that ,i am really ,god's child2 it would be dishonor to ,him to doubt it4 ,i cannot doubt that ,i have held as real communion with ,him as with any earthly friend-and oh1 it has been far sweeter6 ,,oct4 #bj4-;,i made a parting visit to ,mrs4 ,campbell to-day1 and1 as usual1 have come away strengthened and refreshed4 ,she said all sorts of kind things to cheer and encourage me1 and stimulated me to take up the burden of life cheerfully and patiently1 just as it comes4 ,she assures me that these fluctuations of feeling will by degrees give place to a calmer life1 especially if ,i avoid1 so far as ,i can do it1 all unnecessary work1 distraction and hurry4 ,and a few quiet1 resting words from her have given me courage to press on toward perfection1 no matter how much imperfection ,i see in myself and others4 ,and now ,i am waiting for my ,father's next gift1 and the new cares and labors it will bring with it4 ,i am glad it is not left for me to decide my own lot4 ,i am afraid ,i should never see precisely the right moment for welcoming a new bird into my nest1 dearly as ,i love the rustle of their wings and the sound of their voices when they do come4 ,and surely ,he knows the right moments who knows all my struggles with a certain sort of poverty1 poor health and domestic care4 ,if ,i could feel that all the time1 as ,i do at this moment1 how happy ,i should always be6 ,,january #af1 #ahdg4-,this is the tenth anniversary of our wedding day1 and it has been a delightful one4 ,if ,i were called upon to declare what has been the chief element of my happiness1 ,i should say it was not ,ernest's love to me or mine to him1 or that ,i am once more the mother of three children1 or that my own dear mother still lives1 though ,i revel in each and all of these4 ,but underneath them all1 deeper1 stronger than all1 lies a peace with ,god that ,i can compare to no other joy1 which ,i guard as ,i would guard hid treasure1 and which must abide if all things else pass away4 ,my baby is two months old1 and her name is ,ethel4 ,the three children together form a beautiful picture which ,i am never tired of admiring4 ,but they will not give me much time for writing4 ,this little new comer takes all there1 is of me4 ,mother brings me pleasant reports of ,miss ,clifford1 who under her gentle1 wise influence is becoming an earnest ,christian1 already rejoicing in the ,providence that arrested her where it did1 and forced her to reflection4 ,mother says we ought to study ,god's providence more than we do since ,he has a meaning and a purpose in everything ,he does4 ,sometimes ,i can do this and find it a source of great happiness4 ,then worldly cares seem mere worldly cares1 and ,i forget that ,his wise1 kind hand is in every one of them4 ,,february4-,helen has been spending the whole day with me1 as she often does1 helping me with her skillful needle1 and with the children1 in a very sweet way4 ,i am almost ashamed to indulge in writing down how dearly she seems to love me1 and how disposed she is to sit at my feet as a learner at the very moment ,i am longing to possess her sweet1 gentle temper4 ,but one thing puzzles me1 in her1 and that is the difficulty she finds in getting hold of these simple truths her father used to grope after but never found till just as he was passing out of the world4 ,it seems as if ,god had compensated such turbulent1 fiery natures as mine1 by revealing ,himself to them1 for the terrible hours of shame and sorrow through which their sins and follies cause them to pass4 ,i suffer far more than ,helen does1 suffer bitterly1 painfully1 but ,i enjoy ten-fold more4 ,for ,i know whom ,i have believed1 and ,i cannot doubt that ,i am truly united to ,him4 ,helen is naturally very reserved1 but by degrees she has come talk with me quite frankly4 ,to-day as we sat together in the nursery1 little ,raymond snatched a toy from ,una1 who1 as usual1 yielded to him without a frown4 ,i called him to me2 he came reluctantly4 ,raymond1 dear1 ,i said1 did you ever see papa snatch anything from me8 ,he smiled1 and shook his head4 ,well then1 until you see him do it to me1 never do it to your sister4 ,men are gentle and polite to women1 and little boys should be gentle and polite to little girls4 ,the children ran off to their play1 and ,helen said1 ,now how different that is from my mother's management with us6 ,she always made us girls yield to the boys4 ,they would not have thought they could go up to bed unless one of us got a candle for them4 ,that1 ,i suppose1 is the reason then that ,ernest expected me to wait upon him after we were married1 ,i replied4 ,i was a little stiff about yielding to him1 for besides mother's precepts1 ,i was influenced by my father's example4 ,he was so courteous1 treating her with as much respect as if she were a queen1 and yet with as much love as if were always a girl4 ,i naturally expected the like from my husband4 ,you must have been disappointed then1 she said4 ,yes1 ,i was4 ,it cost me a good many pouts and tears of which ,i am now ashamed4 ,and ,ernest seldom annoys me now with the little neglects that ,i used to make so much of4 ,sometimes ,i think there are no 'little' neglects1 said ,helen4 ,it takes less than nothing to annoy us4 ,and it takes more than everything to please us6 ,i cried4 ,but ,ernest and ,i had one stronghold to which we always fled in our troublous times1 and that was our love for each other4 ,no matter how he provoked me by his little heedless ways1 ,i had to forgive him because ,i loved him so4 ,and he had to forgive me my faults for the same reason4 ,i had no idea husbands and wives loved each other so1 said ,helen4 ,i thought they got over it as soon as their cares and troubles came on1 and just jogged on together1 somehow4 ,we both laughed and she went on4 ,if ,i thought ,i should be as happy as you are1 ,i should be tempted to be married myself4 ,ah1 ,i thought your time would come6 ,i cried4 ,don't ask me any questions1 she said1 her pretty face growing prettier with a bright2 warm glow4 ,give me advice instead2 for instance1 tell me how ,i can be sure that if ,i love a man ,i shall go on loving him through all the wear and tear of married life and how can ,i be sure he can and will go on loving me8 ,well1 then1 setting aside the fact that you are both lovable and loving1 ,i will say this3 ,happiness1 in other words love1 in married life is not a mere accident4 ,when the union has been formed1 as most ,christian unions are1 by ,god ,himself1 it is ,his intention and ,his will that it shall prove the unspeakable joy of both husband and wife1 and become more and more so from year to year4 ,but we are imperfect creatures1 wayward and foolish as little children1 horribly unreasonable1 selfish and willful4 ,we are not capable of enduring the shock of finding at every turn that our idol is made of clay1 and that it is prone to tumble off its pedestal and lie in the dust1 till we pick it up and set it in its place again4 ,i was struck with ,ernest's asking in the very first prayer he offered in my presence1 after our marriage1 that ,god would help us love each other4 ,i felt that love was the very foundation on which ,i was built1 and that there was no danger that ,i should ever fall short in giving to my husband all he wanted1 in full measure4 ,but as he went on day after day repeating this prayer1 and ,i naturally made it with him1 ,i came to see that this most precious of earthly blessings had been and must be ,god's gift1 and that while we both looked at it in that light1 and felt our dependence on ,him for it1 we might safely encounter together all the assaults made upon us by the world1 the flesh1 and the devil4 ,i believe we owe it to this constant prayer that we have loved each other so uniformly and with such growing comfort in each other2 so that our little discords always have ended in fresh accord1 and our love has felt conscious of resting on a rock and that that rock was the will of ,god4 ,it is plain1 then1 said ,helen1 that you and ,ernest are sure of one source of happiness as long as you live1 whatever vicissitudes you may meet with4 ,i thank you so much for what you have said4 ,the fact is you have been brought up to carry religion into everything4 ,but ,i was not4 ,my mother was as good as she was lovely1 but ,i think she felt and taught us to feel1 that we were to put it on as we did our ,sunday clothes1 and to wear it1 as we did them1 carefully and reverently1 but with pretty long1 grave faces4 ,but you mix everything up so1 that when ,i am with you ,i never know whether you are most like or most unlike other people4 ,and your mother is just so4 ,but you forget that it is to ,ernest ,i owe my best ideas about married life2 ,i don't remember ever talking with my mother or any one else on the subject4 ,and as to carrying religion into everything1 how can one help it if one's religion is a vital part of one's self1 not a cloak put on to go to church in and hang up out of the way against next ,sunday8 ,helen laughed4 ,she has the merriest1 yet gentlest little laugh one can imagine4 ,i long to know who it is that has been so fortunate as to touch her heart6 ,,march4-,i know now1 and glad ,i am6 ,the sly little puss is purring at this moment in ,james' arms2 at least ,i suppose she is1 as ,i have discreetly come up to my room and left them to themselves4 ,so it seems ,i have had all these worries about ,lucy for naught4 ,what made her so fond of ,james was simply the fact that a friend of his had looked on her with a favorable eye1 regarding her as a very proper mother for four or five children who are in need of a shepherd4 ,yes1 ,lucy is going to marry a man so much older than herself1 that on a pinch he might have been her father4 ,she does it from a sense of duty1 she says1 and to a nature like hers duty may perhaps suffice1 and no cry of the heart have to be stifled in its performance4 ,we are all so happy in the happiness of ,james and ,helen that we are not in the mood to criticise ,lucy's decision4 ,i have a strange and most absurd envy when ,i think what a good time they are having at this moment downstairs1 while ,i sit here alone1 vainly wishing ,i could see more of ,ernest4 ,just as if my happiness were not a deeper1 more blessed one than theirs which must be purged of much dross before it will prove itself to be like fine gold4 ,yes1 ,i suppose ,i am as happy in my dear1 precious husband and children as a wife and mother can be in a world1 which must not be a real heaven lest we should love the land we journey through so well as to want to pitch our tents in it forever1 and cease to look and long for the home whither we are bound4 ,james will be married almost immediately1 ,i suppose1 as he sails for ,syria early in ,april4 ,how much a missionary and his wife must be to each other1 when1 severing themselves from all they ever loved before1 they go forth1 hand in hand1 not merely to be foreigners in heathen lands1 but to be henceforth strangers in their own should they ever return to it6 ,helen says1 playfully1 that she has not a missionary spirit1 and is not at all sure that she shall go with ,james4 ,but ,i don't think that he feels very anxious on that point6 ,,march4-,it does one's heart good to see how happy they are6 ,and it does one's heart good to have one's husband set up an opposition to the goings on by behaving like a lover himself4 ,chapter #bc ,,xxiii4 ,,january #a1 #ahea ,,it is a great while since ,i wrote that4 ,god has been just as good as ever2 ,i want to say that before ,i say another word4 ,but ,he has indeed smitten me very sorely4 ,while we were in the midst of our rejoicings about ,james and ,helen1 and the bright future that seemed opening before them1 he came home one day very ill4 ,ernest happened to be in and attended to him at once4 ,but the disease was1 at the very outset1 so violent1 and raged with such absolute fury1 that no remedies had any effect4 ,everything1 even now1 seems confused in my mind4 ,it seems as if there was a sudden transition from the most brilliant1 joyous health1 to a brief but fearful struggle for life1 speedily followed by the awful mystery and stillness of death4 ,is it possible1 ,i still ask myself1 that four short days wrought an event whose consequences must run through endless years8--,poor mother6 ,poor ,helen6--,when it was all over1 ,i do not know what to say of mother but that she behaved and quieted herself like a weaned child4 ,her sweet composure awed me2 ,i dared not give way to my own vehement1 terrible sorrow2 in the presence of this ,christ-like patience1 all noisy demonstrations seemed profane4 ,i thought no human being was less selfish1 more loving than she had been for many years1 but the spirit that now took possession of her flowed into her heart and life directly from that great ,heart of love1 whose depth ,i had never even begun to sound4 ,there was1 therefore1 something absolutely divine in her aspect1 in the tones of her voice1 in the very smile on her face4 ,we could compare its expression to nothing but ,stephen1 when he1 being full of the ,holy ,ghost1 looked up steadfastly to heaven and saw the glory of ,god1 and ,jesus standing on the right hand of ,god4 ,as soon as ,james was gone ,helen came to our home2 there was never any discussion about it1 she came naturally to be one of us4 ,mother's health1 already very frail1 gradually failed1 and encompassed as ,i was with cares1 ,i could not be with her constantly4 ,helen took the place to her of a daughter1 and found herself welcomed like one4 ,the atmosphere in which we all lived was one which cannot be described2 the love for all of us and for every living thing that flowed in mother's words and tones passed all knowledge4 ,the children's little joys and sorrows interested her exactly as if she was one of themselves2 they ran to her with every petty grievance1 and every new pleasure4 ,during the time she lived with us she had won many warm friends1 particularly among the poor and the suffering4 ,as her strength would no longer allow her to go to them1 those who could do so came to her1 and ,i was struck to see she had ceased entirely from giving counsel1 and now gave nothing but the most beautiful1 tender compassion and sympathy4 ,i saw that she was failing1 but flattered myself that her own serenity and our care would prolong her life still for many years4 ,i longed to have my children become old enough to fully appreciate her sanctified character2 and ,i thought she would gradually fade away and be set free1 ,as light winds wandering through groves of bloom1 ,detach the delicate blossoms from the tree4 ,but ,god's thoughts are not as our thoughts not ,his ways as our ways4 ,her feeble body began to suffer from the rudest assaults of pain2 day and night1 night and day1 she lived through a martyrdom in which what might have been a lifetime of suffering was concentrated into a few months4 ,to witness these sufferings was like the sundering of joints and marrow1 and once1 only once1 thank ,god6 my faith in ,him staggered and reeled to and fro4 ,how can ,he look down on such agonies8 ,i cried in my secret soul2 is this the work of a ,god of love1 of mercy8 ,mother seemed to divine my thoughts1 for she took my hand tenderly in hers and said1 with great difficulty3 ,though ,he slay me1 yet will ,i trust in ,him4 ,he is just as good as ever4 ,and she smiled4 ,i ran away to ,ernest1 crying1 ,oh1 is there nothing you can do for her8 ,what should a poor mortal do where ,christ has done so much1 my darling8 he said1 taking me in his arms4 ,let us stand aside and see the glory of ,god1 with our shoes from off our feet4 ,but he went to her with one more desperate effort to relieve her1 yet in vain4 ,mrs4 ,embury1 of whom mother was fond1 and who is always very kind when we are in trouble1 came in just then1 and after looking on a moment in tears she said to me3 ,god knows whom ,he can trust6 ,he would not lay ,his hand thus on all ,his children4 ,those few words quieted me4 ,yes1 ,god knows4 ,and now it is all over4 ,my precious1 precious mother has been a saint in heaven more than two years1 and has forgotten all the battles she fought on earth1 and all her sorrows and all her sufferings in the presence of her ,redeemer4 ,she knew that she was going1 and the last words she uttered-and they were spoken with somewhat of the playful1 quaint manner in which she had spoken all her life1 and with her own bright smile-still sound in my ears3 ,i have given ,god a great deal of trouble1 but ,he is driving me into pasture now6 ,and then1 with her cheek on her hand1 she fell asleep1 and slept on1 till just at sundown she awoke to find herself in the green pasture1 the driving all over for ever and ever4 ,who by searching can find out ,god8 ,my dear father entered heaven after a prosperous life path wherein he was unconscious of a pang1 and beloved ,james went bright and fresh and untarnished by conflict straight to the ,master's feast4 ,but what a long lifetime of bereavement1 sorrow1 and suffering was my darling mother's pathway to glory6 ,surely her felicity must be greater than theirs1 and the crown she has won by such a struggle must be brighter than the stars6 ,and this crown she is even now1 while ,i sit here choked with tears1 casting joyfully at the feet of her ,saviour6 ,my sweet sister1 my precious little ,helen1 still nestles in our hearts and in our home4 ,martha made one passionate appeal to her to return to her1 but ,ernest interfered3 ,let her stay with ,katy1 he said4 ,james would have chosen to have her with the one human being like himself4 ,does he then think me1 with all my faults1 the languor of frail health1 and the cares and burdens of life weighing upon me1 enough like that sparkling1 brave boy to be of use and comfort to dear ,helen8 ,i take courage at the thought and rouse myself afresh1 to bear on with fidelity and patience4 ,my steadfast aim now is to follow in my mother's footsteps2 to imitate her cheerfulness1 her benevolence1 her bright1 inspiring ways1 and never to rest till in place of my selfish nature ,i become as full of ,christ's love as she became4 ,i am glad she is at last relieved from the knowledge of all my cares1 and though ,i often and often yearn to throw myself into her arms and pour out my cares and trials into her sympathizing ears1 ,i would not have her back for all the world4 ,she has got away from all the turmoil and suffering of life2 let her stay6 ,the scenes of sorrow through which we have been passing have brought ,ernest nearer to me than ever1 and ,i can see that this varied discipline has softened and sweetened his character4 ,besides1 we have modified each other4 ,ernest is more demonstrative1 more attentive to those little things that make the happiness of married life1 and ,i am less childish1 less vehement--,i wish ,i could say less selfish1 but here ,i seem to have come to a standstill4 ,but ,i do understand ,ernest's trials in his profession far better than ,i did1 and can feel and show some sympathy in them4 ,of course the life of a physician is necessarily one of self-denial1 spent as it is amid scenes of suffering and sorrow1 which he is often powerless to alleviate4 ,but there is besides the wear and tear of years of poverty2 his bills are disputed or allowed to run on year after year unnoticed2 he is often dismissed because he cannot put himself in the place of ,providence and save life1 and a truly grateful1 generous patient is almost an unknown rarity4 ,i do not speak of these things to complain of them4 ,i suppose they are a necessary part of that whole providential plan by which ,god moulds and fashions and tempers the human soul1 just as my petty1 but incessant household cares are4 ,if ,i had nothing to do but love my husband and children and perform for them1 without let or hindrance1 the sweet ideal duties of wife and mother1 how content ,i should be to live always in this world6 ,but what would become of me if ,i were not called1 in the pursuit of these duties and in contact with real life1 to bear restless nights1 ill-health1 unwelcome news1 the faults of servants1 contempt1 ingratitude of friends1 my own failings1 lowness of spirits1 the struggle in overcoming my corruption1 and a score of kindred trials6 ,bishop ,wilson charges us to bear all these things as unto ,god1 and with the greatest privacy4 ,how seldom ,i have met them save as lions in my way1 that ,i would avoid if ,i could1 and how ,i have tormented my friends by tedious complaints about them6 ,yet when compared with the great tragedies of suffering ,i have both witnessed and suffered1 how petty they seem6 ,our household1 bereft of mother's and ,james' bright presence1 now numbers just as many members as it did before they left us4 ,another angel has flown into it1 though not on wings1 and ,i have four darling children1 the baby1 who can hardly be called a baby now1 being nearly two years old4 ,my hands and my heart are full1 but two of the children go to school1 and that certainly makes my day's work easier4 ,the little things are happier for having regular employment1 and we are so glad to meet each other again after the brief separation6 ,i try to be at home when it is time to expect them1 for ,i love to hear the eager voices ask1 in chorus1 the moment the door opens3 ,is mamma at home8 ,helen has taken ,daisy to sleep with her1 which after so many years of ups and downs at night1 now with restless babies1 now to answer the bell when ,ernest is out1 is a great relief to me4 ,poor ,helen6 ,she has never recovered her cheerfulness since ,james' death4 ,it has crushed her energies and left her very sorrowful4 ,this is partly owing to a soft and tender nature1 easily borne down and overwhelmed1 partly to what seems an almost constitutional inability to find rest in ,god's will4 ,she assents to all we say to her about submission1 in a sweet1 gentle way1 and then comes the invariable1 mournful wail1 ,but it was so unexpected6 ,it came so suddenly6 ,but ,i love the little thing1 and her affection for us all is one of our greatest comforts4 ,martha is greatly absorbed in her own household1 its cares and its pleasures4 ,she brings her little ,underhills to see us occasionally1 when they put my children quite out of countenance by their consciousness of the fine clothes they wear1 and their knowledge of the world4 ,even ,i find it hard not to feel abashed in the presence of so much of the sort of wisdom in which ,i am lacking4 ,as to ,lucy she is exactly in her sphere3 the calm dignity with which she reigns in her husband's house1 and the moderation and self-control with which she guides his children1 are really instructive4 ,she has a baby of her own1 and though it acts just like other babies and kicks1 scratches1 pulls and cries when it is washed and dressed1 she goes through that process with a serenity and deliberation that ,i envy with all my might4 ,her predecessor in the nursery was all nerve and brain1 and has left four children made of the same material behind her4 ,but their wild spirits on one day1 and their depression and languor on the next1 have no visible effect upon her4 ,her influence is always quieting2 she tones down their vehemence with her own calm decision and practical good sense4 ,it is amusing to see her seated among those four little furies1 who love each other in such a distracted way that somebody's feelings are always getting hurt1 and somebody always crying4 ,by a sort of magnetic influence she heals these wounds immediately1 and finds some prosaic occupation as an antidote to these poetical moods4 ,i confess that ,i am instructed and reproved whenever ,i go to see her1 and wish ,i were more like her4 ,but there is no use in trying to engraft an opposite nature on one's own4 ,what ,i am1 that ,i must be1 except as ,god changes me into ,his own image4 ,and everything brings me back to that1 as my supreme desire4 ,i see more and more that ,i must be myself what ,i want my children to be1 and that ,i cannot make myself over even for their sakes4 ,this must be ,his work1 and ,i wonder that it goes on so slowly2 that all the disappointments1 sorrows1 sicknesses ,i have passed through1 have left me still selfish1 still full of imperfections4 ,,march #e1 #aheb4-,this is the sixth anniversary of ,james' death4 ,thinking it all over after ,i went to bed last night1 his sickness1 his death1 and the weary months that followed for mother1 ,i could not get to sleep till long past midnight4 ,then ,una woke1 crying with the earache1 and ,i was up till nearly daybreak with her1 poor child4 ,i got up jaded and depressed1 almost ready to faint under the burden of life1 and dreading to meet ,helen1 who is doubly sad on these anniversaries4 ,she came down to breakfast dressed as usual in deep mourning1 and looking as spiritless as ,i felt4 ,the prattle of the children relieved the sombre silence maintained by the rest of us1 each of whom acted depressingly on the others4 ,how things do flash into one's mind4 ,these words suddenly came to mine1 as we sat so gloomily at the table ,god had spread for us1 and which ,he had enlivened by the four young faces around it-- ,why should the children of a ,king ,go mourning all their days8 ,why1 indeed8 ,children of a ,king8 ,i felt grieved that ,i was so intent on my own sorrows as to lose sight of my relationship to ,him4 ,and then ,i asked myself what ,i could do to make the day less wearisome and sorrowful to ,helen4 ,she came1 after a time1 with her work to my room4 ,the children took their good-by kisses and went off to school2 ,ernest took his1 too1 and set forth on his day's work1 while ,daisy played quietly about the room4 ,helen1 dear1 ,i ventured at last to begin ,i want you to do me a favor to-day4 ,yes1 she said1 languidly4 ,i want you to go to see ,mrs4 ,campbell4 ,this is the day for her beef-tea1 and she will be looking out for one of us4 ,you must not ask me to go to-day1 ,helen answered4 ,i think ,i must1 dear4 ,when other springs of comfort dry up1 there is one always left to us4 ,and that2 as mother often said1 is usefulness4 ,i do try to be useful1 she said4 ,yes1 you are very kind to me and to the children4 ,if you were my own sister you could not do more4 ,but these little duties do not relieve that aching void in your heart which yearns so for relief4 ,no1 she said1 quickly1 ,i have no such yearning4 ,i just want to settle down as ,i am now4 ,yes1 ,i suppose that is the natural tendency of sorrow4 ,but there is great significance in the prayer for 'a heart at leisure from itself1 to soothe and sympathize4' ,oh1 ,katy6 she said1 you don't know1 you can't know1 how ,i feel4 ,until ,james began to love me so ,i did not know there was such a love as that in the world4 ,you know our family is different from yours4 ,and it is so delightful to be loved4 ,or rather it was6 ,don't say was1 ,i said4 ,you know we all love you dearly1 dearly ,yes1 but not as ,james did6 ,that is true4 ,it was foolish in me to expect to console you by such suggestions4 ,but to go back to ,mrs4 ,campbell4 ,she will sympathize with you1 if you will let her1 as very few can1 for she has lost both husband and children4 ,ah1 but she had a husband for a time1 at least4 ,it is not as if he were snatched away before they had lived together4 ,if anybody else had said this ,i should have felt that it was out of mere perverseness4 ,but dear little ,helen is not perverse2 she is simply overburdened4 ,i grant that your disappointment was greater than hers1 ,i went on4 ,but the affliction was not4 ,every day that a husband and wife walk hand in hand together upon earth makes of the twain more and more one flesh4 ,the selfish element which at first formed so large a part of their attraction to each other disappears1 and the union becomes so pure and beautiful as to form a fitting type of the union of ,christ and ,his church4 ,there is nothing else on earth like it4 ,helen sighed4 ,i find it hard to believe1 she said1 there can be anything more delicious than the months in which ,james and ,i were so happy together4 ,suffering together would have brought you even nearer1 ,i replied4 ,dear ,helen1 ,i am very sorry for you2 ,i hope you feel that1 even when1 according to my want1 ,i fall into arguments1 as if one could argue a sorrow away6 ,you are so happy1 she answered4 ,ernest loves you so dearly1 and is so proud of you1 and you have such lovely children6 ,i ought not to expect you to sympathize perfectly with my loneliness4 ,yes1 ,i am happy1 ,i said1 after a pause2 but you must own1 dear1 that ,i have had my sorrows1 too4 ,until you become a mother yourself1 you cannot comprehend what a mother can suffer1 not merely for herself1 in losing her children1 but in seeing their sufferings4 ,i think ,i may say of my happiness that it rests on something higher and deeper than even ,ernest and my children4 ,and what is that8 ,the will of ,god1 the sweet will of ,god4 ,if ,he should take them all away1 ,i might still possess a peace which would flow on forever4 ,i know this partly from my own experience and partly from that of others4 ,mrs4 ,campbell says that the three months that followed the death of her first child were the happiest she had ever known4 ,mrs4 ,wentworth1 whose husband was snatched from her almost without warning1 and while using expressions of affection for her such as a lover addresses to his bride1 said to me1 with tears rolling down her cheeks1 yet with a smile1 ',i thank my ,god and ,saviour that ,he has not forgotten and passed me by1 but has counted me worthy to bear this sorrow for ,his sake4' ,and hear this passage from the life of ,wesley1 which ,i lighted on this morning3 ,he visited one of his disciples1 who was ill in bed and after having buried seven of her family in six months1 had just heard that the eighth1 her husband1 whom she dearly loved1 had been cast away at sea4 ',i asked her1' he says1 'do you not fret at any of those things8' ,she says1 with a lovely smile1 ',oh1 no6 how can ,i fret at anything which is the will of ,god8 ,let ,him take all beside1 ,he has given me ,himself4 ,i love1 ,i praise ,him every moment4' ,yes1 ,helen objected1 ,i can imagine people as saying such things in moments of excitement2 but afterwards1 they have hours of terrible agony4 ,they have 'hours of terrible agony1' of course4 ,god's grace does not harden our hearts1 and make them proof against suffering1 like coats of mail4 ,they can all say1 ',out of the depths have ,i cried unto ,thee1' and it is they alone who have been down into the depths1 and had rich experience of what ,god could be to ,his children there1 who can utter such testimonials to ,his honor1 as those ,i have just repeated4 ,katy1 ,helen suddenly asked1 do you always submit to ,god's will thus8 ,in great things ,i do1 ,i said4 ,what grieves me is that ,i am constantly forgetting to recognize ,god's hand in the little every-day trials of life1 and instead of receiving them as from ,him1 find fault with the instruments by which ,he sends them4 ,i can give up my child1 my only brother1 my darling mother without a word2 but to receive every tire some visitor as sent expressly and directly to weary me by the ,master ,himself2 to meet every negligence on the part of the servants as ,his choice for me at the moment2 to be satisfied and patient when ,ernest gets particularly absorbed in his books because my ,father sees that little discipline suitable for me at the time2 all this ,i have not fully learned4 ,all you say discourages me1 said ,helen1 in a tone of deep dejection4 ,such perfection was only meant for a few favored ones1 and ,i do not dare so much as to aim at it4 ,i am perfectly sure that ,i must be satisfied with the low state of grace ,i am in now and always have been4 ,she was about to leave me1 but ,i caught her hand as she would have passed me1 and made one more attempt to reach her poor1 weary soul4 ,but are you satisfied1 dear ,helen8 ,i asked1 as tenderly as ,i would speak to a little sick child4 ,surely you crave happiness1 as every human soul does6 ,yes1 ,i crave it1 she replied1 but ,god has taken it from me4 ,he has taken away your earthly happiness1 ,i know1 but only to convince you what better things ,he has in store for you4 ,let me read you a letter which ,dr4 ,cabot wrote me many years ago1 but which has been an almost constant inspiration to me ever since4 ,she sat down1 resumed her work again1 and listened to the letter in silence4 ,as ,i came to its last sentence the three children rushed in from school1 at least the boys did1 and threw themselves upon me like men assaulting a fort4 ,i have formed the habit of giving myself entirely to them at the proper moment1 and now entered into their frolicsome mood as joyously as if ,i had never known a sorrow or lost an hour's sleep4 ,at last they went off to their play-room1 and ,una settled down by my side to amuse ,daisy1 when ,helen began again4 ,i should like to read that letter myself1 she said4 ,meanwhile ,i want to ask you one question4 ,what are you made of that you can turn from one thing to another like lightning8 ,talking one moment as if life depended on your every word1 and then frisking about with those wild boys as if you were a child yourself8 ,i saw ,una look up curiously1 to hear my answer1 as ,i replied1 ,i have always aimed at this flexibility4 ,i think a mother1 especially1 ought to learn to enter into the gayer moods of her children at the very moment when her own heart is sad4 ,and it may be as religious an act for her to romp with them at the time as to pray with them at another4 ,helen now went away to her room with ,dr4 ,cabot's letter1 which ,i silently prayed might bless her as it had blessed me4 ,and then a jaded1 disheartened mood came over me that made me feel that all ,i had been saying to her was but as sounding brass and a tinkling cymbal1 since my life and my professions did not correspond4 ,hitherto my consciousness of imperfection has made me hesitate to say much to ,helen4 ,why are we so afraid of those who live under the same roof with us8 ,it must be the conviction that those who daily see us acting in a petty1 selfish1 trifling way1 must find it hard to conceive that our prayers and our desires take a wider and higher aim4 ,dear little ,helen6 ,may the ice once broken remain broken forever4 ,chapter #bd ,,xxiv4 ,,march #bj4 ,,helen returned ,dr4 ,cabot's letter in silence this morning1 but1 directly after breakfast1 set forth to visit ,mrs4 ,campbell1 with the little bottle of beef-tea in her hands1 which ought to have gone yesterday4 ,i had a busy day before me2 the usual ,saturday baking and ,sunday dinner to oversee1 the children's lessons for to-morrow to superintend and hear them repeat1 their clean clothes to lay out1 and a basket of stockings to mend4 ,my mind was somewhat distracted with these cares1 and ,i found it a little difficult to keep on with my morning devotions in spite of them4 ,but ,i have learned1 at least1 to face and fight such distractions1 instead of running away from them as ,i used to do4 ,my faith in prayer1 my resort to it1 becomes more and more the foundation of my life1 and ,i believe1 with one wiser and better than myself1 that nothing but prayer stands between my soul and the best gifts of ,god2 in other words1 that ,i can and shall get what ,i ask for4 ,i went down into the kitchen1 put on my large baking apron1 and began my labors2 of course the door-bell rang1 and a poor woman was announced4 ,it is very sweet to follow ,fenelon's counsel and give oneself to ,christ in all these interruptions2 but this time ,i said1 oh1 dear6 before ,i thought4 ,then ,i wished ,i hadn't1 and went up1 with a cheerful face at any rate1 to my unwelcome visitor1 who proved to be one of my aggravating poor folks-a great giant of a woman1 in perfect health1 and with a husband to support her if he will4 ,i told her that ,i could do no more for her2 she answered me rudely1 and kept urging her claims4 ,i felt ruffled2 why should my time be thus frittered away1 ,i asked myself4 ,at last she went off1 abusing me in a way that chilled my heart4 ,i could only beg ,god to forgive her1 and return to my work1 which ,i had hardly resumed when ,mrs4 ,embury sent for a pattern ,i had promised to lend her4 ,off came my apron1 and up two pairs of stairs ,i ran2 after a long search it came to light4 ,work resumed2 door-bell again4 ,aunty wanted the children to come to an early dinner4 ,going to ,aunty's is next to going to ,paradise to them4 ,every thing was now hurry and flurry2 ,i tried to be patient2 and not to fret their temper by undue attention to nails1 ears1 and other susceptible parts of the human frame1 but after it was all over1 and ,i had kissed all the sweet1 dear faces good-by1 and returned to the kitchen1 ,i felt sure that ,i had not been the perfect mother ,i want to be in all these little emergencies-yes1 far from it4 ,bridget had let the milk ,i was going to use boil over1 and finally burn up4 ,i was annoyed and irritated1 and already tired1 and did not see how ,i was to get more1 as ,mary was cleaning the silver 7to be sure1 there is not much of it71 and had other extra ,saturday work to do4 ,i thought ,bridget might offer to run to the corner for it1 though it isn't her business1 but she is not obliging1 and seemed as sulky as if ,i had burned the milk1 not she4 ,after all1 ,i said to myself1 what does it signify1 if ,ernest gets no dessert8 ,it isn't good for him1 and how much precious time is wasted over just this one thing8 ,however1 ,i reflected1 that arbitrarily refusing to indulge him in this respect is not exactly my mission as his wife2 he is perfectly well1 and likes his little luxuries as well as other people do4 ,so ,i humbled my pride and asked ,bridget to go for the milk1 which she did1 in a lofty way of her own4 ,while she was gone the marketing came home1 and ,i had everything to dispose of4 ,ernest had sent home some apples1 which plainly said1 ,i want some apple pie1 ,katy4 ,i looked nervously at the clock1 and undertook to gratify him4 ,mary came down1 crying1 to say that her mother1 who lived in ,brooklyn1 was very sick2 could she go to see her8 ,i looked at the clock once more2 told her she should go1 of course1 as soon as lunch was over2 this involved my doing all her absence left undone4 ,at last ,i got through with the kitchen1 the ,sunday dinner being well under way1 and ran upstairs to put away the host of little garments the children had left when they took their flight1 and to make myself presentable at lunch4 ,then ,i began to be uneasy lest ,ernest should not be punctual1 and ,mary be delayed2 but he came just as the clock struck one4 ,i ran joyfully to meet him1 very glad now that ,i had something good to give him4 ,we had just got through lunch1 and ,i was opening my mouth to tell ,mary she might go1 when the door-bell rang once more1 and ,mrs4 ,fry1 of ,jersey ,city1 was announced4 ,i told ,mary to wait till ,i found whether she had lunched or not2 no1 she hadn't2 had come to town to see friends off1 was half famished1 and would ,i do her the favor1 etc41 etc4 ,she had a fashionable young lady with her1 a stranger to me1 as well as a ,miss ,somebody else1 from ,albany1 whose name ,i did not catch4 ,i apologized for having finished lunch4 ,mrs4 ,fry said all they wanted was a cup of tea and a bit of bread and butter1 nothing else1 dear2 now don't put yourself out4 ,now be bright and animated1 and like yourself1 she whispered1 for ,i have brought these girls here on purpose to hear you talk1 and they are prepared to fall in love with you on the spot4 ,this speech sufficed to shut my mouth4 ,mary had to get ready for these unexpected guests1 whose appetites proved equal to a raid on a good many things besides bread and butter4 ,mrs4 ,fry said1 after she had devoured nearly half a loaf of cake1 that she would really try to eat a morsel more1 which ,ernest remarked1 dryly1 was a great triumph of mind over matter4 ,as they talked and laughed and ate leisurely on1 ,mary stood looking the picture of despair4 ,at last ,i gave her a glance that said she might go1 when a new visitor was announced--,mrs4 ,winthrop1 from ,brooklyn1 one of ,ernest's patients a few years ago1 when she lived here4 ,she professed herself greatly indebted to him1 and said she had come at this hour because she should make sure of seeing him4 ,i tried to excuse him1 as ,i knew he would be thankful to have me do1 but no1 see him she must2 he was her pet doctor1 he had such sweet1 bedside manners1 and ,i am such a favorite with him1 you know6 ,ernest did not receive his favorite with any special warmth2 but invited her out to lunch and gallanted her to the table we had just left4 ,just like a man6 ,poor ,mary6 she had to fly round and get up what she could2 ,mrs4 ,winthrop devoted herself to ,ernest with a persistent ignoring of me that ,i thought rude and unwomanly4 ,she asked if he had read a certain book2 he had not2 she then said1 ,i need not ask1 then1 if ,mrs4 ,elliott has done so8 ,these charming dishes1 which she gets up so nicely1 must absorb all her time4 ,of course1 replied ,ernest4 ,but she contrives to read the reports of all the murders1 of which the newspapers are full4 ,mrs4 ,winthrop took this speech literally1 drew away her skirts from me1 looked at me through her eye-glass1 and said1 ,yes8 ,at last she departed4 ,helen came home1 and ,mary went4 ,i gave ,helen an account of my morning2 she laughed heartily1 and it did me good to hear that musical sound once more4 ,it is nearly five o'clock1 ,i said1 as we at last had restored everything to order1 and this whole day has been frittered away in the veriest trifles4 ,it isn't living to live so4 ,who is the better for my being in the world since six o'clock this morning8 ,i am for one1 she said1 kissing my hot cheeks2 and you have given a great deal of pleasure to several persons4 ,your and ,ernest's hospitality is always graceful4 ,i admire it in you both2 and this is one of the little ways1 not to be despised1 of giving enjoyment4 ,it was nice in her to say that1 it quite rested me4 ,at the dinner-table ,ernest complimented me on my good housekeeping4 ,i was proud of my little wife at lunch he said4 ,and yet you said that outrageous thing about my reading about nothing but murders6 ,i said4 ,oh1 well1 you understood it1 he said1 laughingly4 ,but that dreadful ,mrs4 ,winthrop took it literally4 ,what do we care for ,mrs4 ,winthrop8 he returned4 ,if you could have seen the contrast between you two in my eyes6 ,after all1 one must take life as it comes1 its homely details are so mixed up with its sweet charities1 and loves1 and friendships that one is forced to believe that ,god has joined them together and does not will that they should be put asunder4 ,it is something that my husband has been satisfied with his wife and his home to-day2 that does me good4 ,,march #cj4-;,a stormy day and the children home from school1 and no little frolicking and laughing going on4 ,it must1 be delightful to feel well and strong while one's children are young1 there is so much to do for them4 ,i do it2 but no one can tell the effort1 it costs me4 ,what a contrast there is between their vitality and the languor under which ,i suffer6 ,when their noise became intolerable1 ,i proposed to read to them2 of course they made ten times as much clamor of pleasure and of course they leaned on me1 ground their elbows into my lap1 and tired me all out4 ,as ,i sat with this precious little group about me1 ,ernest opened the door1 looked in1 gravely and without a word1 and instantly disappeared4 ,i felt uneasy and asked him1 this evening1 why he looked so4 ,was ,i indulging the children too much1 or what was it8 ,he took me into his arms and said3 ,my precious wife1 why will you torment yourself with such fancies8 ,my very heart was yearning over you at that moment1 as it did the first time ,i saw you surrounded by your little class at ,sunday-school1 years ago1 and ,i was asking myself why ,god had given me such a wife1 and my children such a mother4 ,oh1 ,i am glad ,i have got this written down6 ,i will read it over when the sense of my deficiencies overwhelms me1 while ,i ask ,god why ,he has given me such a patient1 forbearing husband4 ,,april #a4-,this has been a sad day to our church4 ,our dear ,dr4 ,cabot has gone to his eternal home1 and left us as sheep without a shepherd4 ,his death was sudden at the last and found us all unprepared for it4 ,but my tears of sorrow are mingled with tears of joy4 ,his heart had long been in heaven1 he was ready to go at a moment's warning2 never was a soul so constantly and joyously on the wing as his4 ,poor ,mrs4 ,cabot6 ,she is left very desolate1 for all their children are married and settled at a distance4 ,but she bears this sorrow like one who has long felt herself a pilgrim and a stranger on earth4 ,how strange that we ever forget that we are all such6 ,,april #af4-,the desolate pilgrimage was not long4 ,dear ,mrs4 ,cabot was this day laid away by the side of her beloved husband1 and it is delightful to think of them as not divided by death1 but united by it in a complete and eternal union4 ,i never saw a husband and wife more tenderly attached to each other1 and this is a beautiful close to their long and happy married life4 ,i find it hard not to wish and pray that ,i may as speedily follow my precious husband1 should ,god call him away first4 ,but it is not for me to choose4 ,how ,i shall miss these faithful friends1 who1 from my youth up1 have been my stay and my staff in the house of my pilgrimage6 ,almost all the disappointments and sorrows of my life have had their ,christian sympathy1 particularly the daily1 wasting solicitude concerning my darling ,una1 for they to watched for years over as delicate a flower1 and saw it fade and die4 ,only those who have suffered thus can appreciate the heart-soreness through which1 no matter how outwardly cheerful ,i may be1 ,i am always passing4 ,but what then6 ,have ,i not ten thousand times made this my prayer1 that in the words of ,leighton1 my will might become1 identical with ,god's will4 ,and shall ,he not take me at my word8 ,just as ,i was writing these words1 my canary burst forth with a song so joyous that a song was put also into my mouth4 ,something seemed to say1 this captive sings in his cage because it has never known liberty1 and cannot regret a lost freedom4 ,so the soul of my child1 limited by the restrictions of a feeble body1 never having known the gladness of exuberant health1 may sing songs that will enliven and cheer4 ,yes1 and does sing them6 ,what should we do without her gentle1 loving presence1 whose frailty calls forth our tenderest affections and whose sweet face makes sunshine in the shadiest places6 ,i am sure that the boys are truly blessed by having a sister always at home to welcome them1 and that their best manliness is appealed to by her helplessness4 ,what this child is to me ,i cannot tell4 ,and yet1 if the skillful and kind ,gardener should house this delicate plant before frosts come1 should ,i dare to complain8 ,chapter #be ,,xxv4 ,,may #d ,miss ,,clifford came to lunch with us on ,wednesday4 ,her remarkable restoration to health has attracted a good deal of attention1 and has given ,ernest a certain reputation which does not come amiss to him4 ,not that he is ambitious2 a more unworldly man does not live2 but his extreme reserve and modesty have obscured the light that is now beginning to shine4 ,we all enjoyed ,miss ,clifford's visit4 ,she is one of the freshest1 most original creatures ,i ever met with1 and kept us all laughing with her quaint speeches1 long after every particle of lunch had disappeared from the table4 ,but this mobile nature turns to the serious side of life with marvelous ease and celerity1 as perhaps all sound ones ought to do4 ,i took her up to my room where my work-basket was1 and ,helen followed1 with hers4 ,i have brought something to read to you1 dear ,mrs4 ,elliott1 ,miss ,clifford began1 the moment we had seated ourselves1 which ,i have just lighted on1 and ,i am sure you will like4 ,a nobleman writes to ,fenelon asking certain questions1 and a part of these questions1 with the replies1 ,i want to enjoy with you1 as they cover a good deal of the ground we have often discussed together3 ,i4-,how shall ,i offer my purely indifferent actions to ,god2 walks1 visits made and received1 dress1 little proprieties1 such as washing the hands1 etc4'1 the reading of books of history1 business with which ,i am charged for my friends1 other amusements1 such as shopping1 having clothes made1 and equipages4 ,i want to have some sort of prayer1 or method of offering each of these things to ,god4 ,,reply4-,the most indifferent actions cease to be such1 and become good as soon as one performs them with the intention of conforming one's self in them to the will of ,god4 ,they are often better and purer than certain actions which appear more virtuous3 #ast1 because they are less of our own choice and more in the order of ,providence when one is obliged to perform them2 #b;d1 because they are simpler and less exposed to vain complaisance2 #c;d1 because if one yields to them with moderation1 one finds in them more of death to one's inclinations than in certain acts of fervor in which self-love mingles2 finally1 because these little occasions occur more frequently1 and furnish a secret occasion for continually making every moment profitable4 ,it is not necessary to make great efforts nor acts of great reflection1 in order to offer what are called indifferent actions4 ,it is enough to lift the soul one instant to ,god1 to make a simple offering of it4 ,everything which ,god wishes us to do1 and which enters into the course of occupation suitable to our position1 can and ought to be offered to ,god2 nothing is unworthy of ,him but sin4 ,when you feel that an action cannot be offered to ,god1 conclude that it does not become a ,christian2 it is at least necessary to suspect it1 and seek light concerning it4 ,i would not have a special prayer for each of these the elevation of the heart at the moment suffices4 ,as for visits1 commissions and the like1 as there is danger of following one's own taste too much1 ,i would add to this elevating of the heart a prayer to moderate myself and use precaution4 ,,ii4-,in prayer ,i cannot fix my mind1 or ,i have intervals of time when it is elsewhere and it is often distracted for a long time before ,i perceive it4 ,i want to find some means of becoming its master4 ,,reply4-,fidelity in following the rules that have been given you1 and in recalling your mind every time you perceive its distraction1 will gradually give you the grace of being more recollected4 ,meanwhile bear your involuntary distractions with patience and humility2 you deserve nothing better4 ,is it surprising that recollection is difficult to a man so long dissipated and far from ,god8 ,,iii4-,i wish to know if it is best to record1 on my tablets1 the faults and the sins ,i have committed1 in order not to run the risk of forgetting them4 ,i excite in myself to repentance for my faults as much as ,i can2 but ,i have never felt any real grief on account of them4 ,when ,i examine myself at night1 ,i see persons far more perfect than ,i complain of more sin3 as for me1 ,i seek1 ,i find nothing2 and yet it is impossible there should not be many points on which to implore pardon every day of my life4 ,,reply4-,you should examine yourself every night1 but simply and briefly4 ,in the disposition to which ,god has brought you1 you will not voluntarily commit any considerable fault without remembering and reproaching yourself for it4 ,as to little faults1 scarcely perceived1 even if you sometimes forget them1 this need not make you uneasy4 ,as to lively grief on account of your sins1 it is not necessary4 ,god gives it when it pleases ,him4 ,true and essential conversion of the heart consists in a full will to sacrifice all to ,god4 ,what ,i call full will is a fixed immovable disposition of the will to resume none of the voluntary affections which may alter the purity of the love to ,god and to abandon itself to all the crosses which it will--perhaps--be necessary to bear1 in order to accomplish the will of ,god always and in all things4 ,as to sorrow for sin1 when one has it1 one ought to return thanks for it2 when one perceives it to be wanting1 one should humble one's self peacefully before ,god without trying to excite it by vain efforts4 ,you find in your self-examination fewer faults than persons more advanced and more perfect do2 it is because your interior light is still feeble4 ,it will increase1 and the view of your infidelities will increase in proportion4 ,it suffices1 without making yourself uneasy1 to try to be faithful to the degree of light you possess1 and to instruct yourself by reading and meditation4 ,it will not do to try to forestall the grace that belongs to a more advanced period4 ,it would only serve to trouble and discourage you1 and even to exhaust you by continual anxiety2 the time that should be spent in loving ,god would be given to forced returns upon yourself1 which secretly nourish self-love4 ,,iv4---,in my prayers my mind has difficulty in finding anything to say to ,god4 ,my heart is not in it1 or it is inaccessible to the thoughts of my mind4 ,,reply4-,it is not necessary to say much to ,god4 ,oftentimes one does not speak much to a friend whom one is delighted to see2 one looks at him with pleasure2 one speaks certain short words to him which are mere expressions of feeling4 ,the mind has no part in them1 or next to none2 one keeps repeating the same words4 ,it is not so much a variety of thoughts that one seeks in intercourse with a friend1 as a certain repose and correspondence of heart4 ,it is thus we are with ,god1 who does not disdain to be our tenderest1 most cordial1 most familiar1 most intimate friend4 ,a word1 a sigh1 a sentiment1 says all to ,god2 it is not always necessary to have transports of sensible tenderness2 a will all naked and dry1 without life1 without vivacity1 without pleasure1 is often purest in the sight of ,god4 ,in fine1 it is necessary to content one's self with giving to ,him what ,he gives it to give1 a fervent heart when it is fervent1 a heart firm and faithful in its aridity1 when ,he deprives it of sensible fervor4 ,it does not always depend on you to feel2 but it is necessary to wish to feel4 ,leave it to ,god to choose to make you feel sometimes1 in order to sustain your weakness and infancy in ,christian life2 sometimes weaning you from that sweet and consoling sentiment which is the milk of babes1 in order to humble you1 to make you grow1 and to make you robust in the violent exercise of faith1 by causing you to sweat the bread of the strong in the sweat of your brow4 ,would you only love ,god according as ,he will make you take pleasure in loving ,him8 ,you would be loving your own tenderness and feeling1 fancying that you were loving ,god4 ,even while receiving sensible gifts1 prepare yourself by pure faith for the time when you might be deprived of them and you will suddenly succumb if you had only relied on such support4 ,o forgot to speak of some practices which may1 at the beginning1 facilitate the remembrance of the offering one ought to make to ,god1 of all the ordinary acts of the day4 #a4 ,form the resolution to do so1 every morning1 and call yourself to account in your self-examination at night4 #b4 ,make no resolutions but for good reasons1 either from propriety or the necessity of relaxing the mind1 etc4 ,thus1 in accustoming one's self to retrench the useless little by little1 one accustoms one's self to offer what is not proper to curtail4 #c4 ,renew one's self in this disposition whenever one is alone1 in order to be better prepared to recollect it when in company4 #d4 ,whenever one surprises one's self in too great dissipation1 or in speaking too freely of his neighbor1 let him collect himself and offer to ,god all the rest of the conversation4 #e4 ,to flee1 with confidence1 to ,god1 to act according to ,his will1 when one enters company1 or engages in some occupation which may cause one to fall into temptation4 ,the sight of danger ought to warn of the need there is to lift the heart toward ,him by one who may be preserved from it4 ,we both thanked her as she finished reading1 and ,i begged her to lend me the volume that ,i might make the above copy4 ,i hope ,i have gained some valuable hints from this letter1 and that ,i shall see more plainly than ever that it is a religion of principle that ,god wants from us1 not one of mere feeling4 ,helen remarked that she was most struck by the assertion that one cannot forestall the graces that belong to a more advanced period4 ,she said she had assumed that she ought to experience all that the most mature ,christian did1 and that it rested her to think of ,god as doing this work for her1 making repentance1 for instance1 a free gift1 not a conquest to be won for one's self4 ,miss ,clifford said that the whole idea of giving one's self to ,god in such little daily acts as visiting1 shopping1 and the like1 was entirely new to her4 ,but fancy1 she went on1 her beautiful face lighted up with enthusiasm1 what a blessed life that must be1 when the base things of this world and things that are despised1 are so many links to the invisible world and to the things ,god has chosen6 ,in other words1 ,i said1 the top of the ladder that rests on earth reaches to heaven1 and we may ascend it as the angels did in ,jacob's dream4 ,and descend too1 as they did1 ,helen put in1 despondently4 ,now you shall not speak in that tone1 cried ,miss ,clifford4 ,let us look at the bright side of life1 and believe that ,god means us to be always ascending1 always getting nearer to ,himself1 always learning something new about ,him1 always loving ,him better and better4 ,to be sure1 our souls are sick1 and of themselves can't keep 'ever on the wing1' but ,i have had some delightful thoughts of late from just hearing the title of a book1 ',god's method with the maladies of the soul4' ,it gives one such a conception of the seeming ills of life2 to think of ,him as our ,physician1 the ills all remedies1 the deprivations only a wholesome regimen1 the losses all gains4 ,why1 as ,i study this individual case and that1 see how patiently and persistently ,he tries now this remedy1 now that1 and how infallibly ,he cures the souls that submit to ,his remedies1 ,i love ,him so6 ,i love ,him so6 ,and ,i am so astonished that we are restive under ,his unerring hand6 ,think how ,he dealt with me4 ,my soul was sick unto death1 sick with worldliness1 and self-pleasing and folly4 ,there was only one way of making me listen to reason1 and that was just the way ,he took4 ,he snatched me right out of the world and shut me up in one room1 crippled1 helpless1 and alone1 and set me to thinking1 thinking1 thinking1 till ,i saw the emptiness and shallowness of all in which ,i had hitherto been involved4 ,and then ,he sent you and your mother to show me the reality of life1 and to reveal to me my invisible1 unknown ,physician4 ,can ,i love ,him with half my heart8 ,can ,i be asking questions as to how much ,i am to pay towards the debt ,i owe ,him8 ,by this time ,helen's work had fallen from her hands and tears were in her eyes4 ,how ,i thank you1 she said softly1 for what you have said4 ,you have interpreted life to me6 ,you have given me a new conception of my ,god and ,saviour6 ,miss ,clifford seemed quenched and humbled by these words2 her enthusiasm faded away and she looked at ,helen with a deprecatory air as she replied3 ,don't say that6 ,i never felt so unfit for anything but to sit at the feet of ,christ's disciples and learn of them4 ,yet ,i1 so many years one of those disciples1 been sitting at her feet1 and had learned of her4 ,never had ,i so realized the magnitude of the work to be done in this world1 nor the power and goodness of ,him who has undertaken to do it all4 ,i was glad to be alone1 to walk my room singing praises to ,him for every instance in which1 as my ,physician1 ,he had disappointed my hope and defeated my joys and given me to drink of the cup of sorrow and bereavement4 ,,may #bd4-;,i read to ,ernest the extract from ,fenelon which has made such an impression on me4 ,every business man1 in short every man leading an active life1 ought to read that1 he said4 ,we should have a new order of things as the result4 ,instead of fancying that our ordinary daily work was one thing and our religion quite another thing1 we should transmute our drudgery into acts of worship4 ,instead of going to prayer-meetings to get into a 'good frame' we should live in a good frame from morning till night1 from night till morning1 and prayer and praise would be only another form for expressing the love and faith and obedience we had been exercising amid the pressure of business4 ,i only wish ,i had understood this years ago1 ,i said4 ,i have made prayer too much of a luxury1 and have often inwardly chafed and fretted when the care of my children1 at times1 made it utterly impossible to leave them for private devotion-when they have been sick1 for instance1 or in other like emergencies4 ,i reasoned this way3 ',here is a special demand on my patience1 and ,i am naturally impatient4 ,i must have time to go away and entreat the ,lord to equip me for this conflict4' ,but ,i see now that the simple act of cheerful acceptance of the duty imposed and the solace and support withdrawn would have united me more fully to ,christ than the highest enjoyment of ,his presence in prayer could4 ,yes1 every act of obedience is an act of worship1 he said4 ,but why don't we learn that sooner8 ,why do we waste our lives before we learn how to live8 ,i am not sure1 he returned1 that we do not learn as fast as we are willing to learn4 ,god does not force instruction upon us1 but when we say1 as ,luther did1 ',more light1 ,lord1 more light1'--the light comes4 ,i questioned myself after he had gone as to whether this could be true of me4 ,is there not in my heart some secret reluctance to know the truth1 lest that knowledge should call to a higher and holier life than ,i have yet lived8 ,,june #b4-;,i went to see ,mrs4 ,campbell a few days ago1 and found1 to my great joy1 that ,helen had just been there1 and that they had had an earnest conversation together4 ,mrs4 ,campbell failed a good deal of late1 and it is not probable we shall have her with us much longer4 ,her every look and word is precious to me when ,i think of her as one who is so soon to enter the unseen world and see our ,saviour1 and be welcomed home by ,him4 ,if it is so delightful to be with those who are on the way to heaven1 what would it be to have fellowship with one who had come thence1 and could tell us what it is6 ,she spoke freely about death1 and said ,ernest had promised to take charge of her funeral1 and to see that she was buried by the side of her husband4 ,you see1 my dear1 she added1 with a smile1 though ,i am expecting to be so soon a saint in heaven1 ,i am a human being still1 with human weaknesses4 ,what can it really matter where this weary old body is laid away1 when ,i have done with it1 and gone and left it forever8 ,and yet ,i am leaving directions about its disposal6 ,i said ,i was glad that she was still human but that ,i did not think it a weakness to take thought for the abode in which her soul had dwelt so long4 ,i saw that she was tired and was coming away1 but she held me and would not let me go4 ,yes1 ,i am tired1 she said1 but what of that8 ,it is only a question of days now1 and all my tired feelings will be over4 ,then ,i shall be as young and fresh as ever1 and shall have strength to praise and to love ,god as ,i cannot do now4 ,but before ,i go ,i want once more to tell you how good ,he is1 how blessed it is to suffer with ,him1 how infinitely happy ,he has made me in the very hottest heat of the furnace4 ,it will strengthen you in your trials to recall this my dying testimony4 ,there is no wilderness so dreary but that ,his love can illuminate it1 no desolation so desolate but that ,he can sweeten it4 ,i know what ,i am saying4 ,it is no delusion4 ,i believe that the highest1 purest happiness is known only to those who have learned ,christ in sick-rooms1 in poverty1 in racking suspense and anxiety1 amid hardships1 and at the open grave4 ,yes1 the radiant face1 worn by sickness and suffering1 but radiant still1 said in language yet more unspeakably impressive1-- ,to learn ,christ1 this is life6 ,i came into the busy and noisy streets as one descending from the mount1 and on reaching home found my darling ,una very ill in ,ernest's arms4 ,she had fallen1 and injured her head4 ,how ,i had prayed that ,god would temper the wind to this shorn lamb1 and now she had had such a fall6 ,we watched over her till far into the night1 scarcely speaking to each other1 but ,i know by the way in which ,ernest held my hand clasped in his that her precious life was in danger4 ,he consented at last to lie down1 but ,helen stayed with me4 ,what a night it was6 ,god only knows what the human heart can experience in a space of time that men call hours4 ,i went over all the past history of the child1 recalling all her sweet looks and words1 and my own secret repining at the delicate health that cut her off from so many of the pleasures that belong to her age4 ,and the more ,i thought1 the more ,i clung to her1 on whom1 frail as she is1 ,i was beginning to lean1 and whose influence in our home ,i could not think of losing without a shudder4 ,alas1 my faith seemed1 for a time1 to flee1 and ,i see just what a poor1 weak human being is without it4 ,but before daylight crept into my room light from on high streamed into my heart1 and ,i gave even this1 my ewe-lamb1 away1 as my free-will offering to ,god4 ,could ,i refuse ,him my child because she was the very apple of my eye8 ,nay then1 but let me give to ,him1 not what1 ,i value least1 but what ,i prize and delight in most4 ,could ,i not endure heart-sickness for ,him who had given ,his only ,son for me6 ,and just as ,i got to that sweet consent to suffer1 ,he who had only lifted the rod to try my faith laid it down4 ,my darling opened her eyes and looked at us intelligently1 and with her own loving smile4 ,but ,i dared not snatch her and press her to my heart2 for her sake ,i must be outwardly calm at least4 ,,june #f4-;,i am at home with my precious ,una1 all the rest having gone to church4 ,she lies peacefully on the bed1 sadly disfigured1 for the time1 but ,ernest says he apprehends no danger now1 and we are a most happy1 a most thankful household4 ,the children have all been greatly moved by the events of the last few days1 and hover about their sister with great sympathy and tenderness4 ,where she fell from1 or how she fell1 no one knows2 she remembers nothing about it herself1 and it will always remain a mystery4 ,this is the second time that this beloved child has been returned to us after we had given her away to ,god4 ,and as the giving cost us ten-fold more now than it did when she was a feeble baby1 so we receive her as a fresh gift from our loving ,father's hand1 with ten-fold delight4 ,ah1 we have no excuse for not giving ourselves entirely to ,him4 ,he has revealed ,himself to us in so many sorrows and in so many joys2 revealed ,himself as ,he doth not unto the world6 ,chapter #bf ,,xxvi4 ,,may #ac4-,,this has been a ,sunday to be held in long remembrance4 ,we were summoned early this morning to ,mrs4 ,campbell1 and have seen her joyful release from the fetters that have bound her long4 ,her loss to me is irreparable4 ,but ,i truly thank ,god that one more tired traveler had a sweet welcome home4 ,i can minister no longer to her bodily wants1 and listen to her counsels no more1 but she has entered as an inspiration into my life1 and through all eternity ,i shall bless ,god that ,he gave me that faithful1 praying friend4 ,how little they know who languish in what seems useless sick-rooms1 or amid the restrictions of frail health1 what work they do for ,christ by the power of saintly living1 and by even fragmentary prayers4 ,before her words fade out of my memory ,i want to write down1 from hasty notes made at the time1 her answer to some of the last questions ,i asked her on earth4 ,she had always enjoyed intervals of comparative ease1 and it was in one of these that ,i asked her what she conceived to be the characteristics of an advanced state of grace4 ,she replied1 ,i think that the mature ,christian is always1 at all times1 and in all circumstances1 what he was in his best moments in the progressive stages of his life4 ,there were seasons1 all along his course1 when he loved ,god supremely2 when he embraced the cross joyfully and penitently2 when he held intimate communion with ,christ1 and loved his neighbor as himself4 ,but he was always in terror1 lest under the force of temptation1 all this should give place to deadness and dullness1 when he should chafe and rebel in the hour of trial1 and judge his fellow-man with a harsh and bitter judgment1 and give way to angry1 passionate emotions4 ,but these fluctuations cease1 after a time1 to disturb his peace4 ,love to ,christ becomes the abiding1 inmost principle of his life2 he loves ,him rather for what ,he is1 than for what ,he has done or will do for him individually1 and ,god's honor becomes so dear to him that he feels personally wounded when that is called in question4 ,and the will of ,god becomes so dear to him that he loves it best when it 'triumphs at his cost4' ,once he only prayed at set times and seasons1 and idolized good frames and fervent emotions4 ,now he prays without ceasing1 and whether on the mount or down in the depths depends wholly upon ,his ,saviour4 ,his old self-confidence has now given place to child-like humility that will not let him take a step alone1 and the sweet peace that is now habitual to him combined with the sense of his own imperfections1 fills him with love to his fellow-man4 ,he hears and believes and hopes and endures all things and thinketh no evil4 ,the tones of his voice1 the very expression of his countenance1 become changed1 love now controlling where human passions held sway4 ,in short1 he is not only a new creature in ,jesus ,christ1 but the habitual and blessed consciousness that this is so4 ,these words were spoken deliberately and with reflection4 ,you have described my mother1 just as she was from the moment her only son1 the last of six1 was taken from her1 ,i said1 at last4 ,i never quite understood how that final sorrow weaned her1 so to say1 from herself1 and made her life all love to ,god and all love to man4 ,but ,i see it now4 ,dear ,mrs4 ,campbell1 pray for me that ,i may yet wear her mantle6 ,she smiled with a significance that said she had already done so1 and then we parted-parted that she might end her pilgrimage and go to her rest-parted that ,i might pursue mine1 ,i know not how long1 nor amid how many cares1 and sorrows1 nor with what weariness and heart-sickness-parted to meet again in the presence of ,him we love1 with those who have come out of great tribulation1 whose robes have been made white in the blood of the ,lamb1 and who are before the throne of ,god1 and serve ,him day and night in ,his temple1 to hunger no more1 neither thirst any more1 for the ,lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall lead them into living fountains of waters2 and ,god shall wipe away all tears from their eyes4 ,,may #be4-,we were talking of ,mrs4 ,campbell1 and of her blessed life and blessed death4 ,helen said it discouraged and troubled her to see and hear such things4 ,the last time ,i saw her when she was able to converse1 said she1 ,i told her that when ,i reflected on my want of submission to ,god's will1 ,i doubted whether ,i really could be ,his child4 ,she said1 in her gentle1 sweet way-3 ',would you venture to resist ,his will1 if you could8 ,would you really have your dear ,james back again in this world1 if you could8 ',i would1 ,i certainly would1' ,i said4 ,she returned1 ',i sometimes find it a help1 when dull and cramped in my devotions1 to say to myself3 ,suppose ,christ should now appear before you1 and you could see ,him as ,he appeared to ,his disciples on earth1 what would you say to ,him8 ,this brings ,him near1 and ,i say what ,i would say if ,he were visibly present4 ,i do the same when a new sorrow threatens me4 ,i imagine my ,redeemer as coming personally to say to me1 ,for your sake ,i am a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief2 now for ,my sake give me this child1 bear this burden1 submit to this loss4 ,can ,i refuse ,him8 ,now1 dear1 he has really come thus to you1 and asked you to show your love to ,him1 your faith in ,him1 by giving ,him the most precious of your treasures4 ,if ,he were here at this moment1 and offered to restore it to you1 would you dare to say1 ,yea1 ,lord1 ,i know1 far better than ,thou dost1 what is good for him and good for me2 ,i will have him return to me1 cost what it may2 in this world of uncertainties and disappointments ,i shall be sure of happiness in his society1 and he will enjoy more here on earth with me than he could enjoy in the companionship of saints and angels and of the ,lord ,himself in heaven4 ,could you dare to say this8' ,oh1 ,katy1 what straits she drove me into6 ,no1 ,i could not dare to say that6 ,then1 my darling little sister ,i cried1 you will give up--this struggle8 ,you will let ,god do what ,he will with ,his own8 ,i have to let ,him1 she replied2 but ,i submit because ,i must4 ,i looked at her gentle1 pure face as she uttered these words1 and could only marvel at the will that had no expression there4 ,tell me1 she said1 do you think a real ,christian can feel as ,i do8 ,for my part ,i doubt it4 ,i doubt everything4 ,doubt everything1 but believe in ,christ1 ,i said4 ,suppose1 for argument's sake1 you are not a ,christian4 ,you can become one now4 ,the color rose in her lovely face2 she clasped her hands in a sort of ecstasy4 ,yes1 she said1 ,i can4 ,at last ,god had sent her the word she wanted4 ,,may #bh4-;,helen came to breakfast this morning in a simple white dress4 ,i had not time to tell the children not to allude to it1 so they began in chorus3 ,why1 ,aunt ,helen6 you have put on a white dress6 ,why1 ,aunty1 how queer you look6 ,hurrah6 if she don't look like other folks6 ,she bore it all with her usual gentleness2 or rather with a positive sweetness that captivated them as her negative patience had never done4 ,i said nothing to her1 nor did she to me till late in the day1 when she came to me1 and said3 ,katy1 ,god taught you what to say4 ,all these years ,i have been tormenting myself with doubts1 as to whether ,i could be ,his child while so unable to say1 ,thy will be done4 ,if you had said1 ',why1 yes1 you must be ,his child1 for you professed yourself one a long time ago1 and ever since have lived like one1' ,i should have remained as wretched as ever4 ,as it is1 a mountain has been rolled off1 my heart4 ,yes1 if ,i was not ,his child yesterday1 ,i can become one to-day2 if ,i did not love ,him then1 ,i can begin now4 ,i do not doubt that1 she was ,his child1 yesterday and last year1 and years ago4 ,but let her think1 what she pleases4 ,a new life is opening before her2 ,i believe it is to be a life of entire devotion to ,god1 and that out of her sorrow there shall spring up a wondrous joy4 ,,sept4 #b1 ,sweet ,briar ,farm4-,ernest spent ,sunday with us1 and ,i have just driven him to the station and seen him safely off4 ,things have prospered with us to such a degree that he has been extravagant enough to give me the use1 for the summer1 of a bonnie little nag and an antiquated vehicle1 and ,i have learned to drive4 ,to be sure ,i broke one of the shafts of the poor old thing the first time ,i ventured forth alone1 and the other day--nearly upset my cargo of children in a pond where ,i was silly enough to undertake to water my horse4 ,but ,ernest1 as usual1 had patience with me and begged me to spend as much time as possible in driving about with the children4 ,it is a new experience1 and ,i enjoy it quite as much as he hoped ,i should4 ,helen is not with us2 she has spent the whole summer with ,martha2 for ,martha1 poor thing1 is suffering terribly from rheumatism and is almost entirely helpless4 ,i am so sorry for her1 after so many years of vigorous health1 how hard it must be to endure this pain4 ,with this drawback1 we have had a delightful summer2 not one sick day2 nor one sick night4 ,with no baby to keep me awake1 ,i sleep straight through1 as ,raymond says1 and wake in the morning refreshed and cheerful4 ,we shall have to go home soon2 how cruel it seems to bring up children in a great city6 ,yet what can be done about it8 ,wherever there are men and women there must be children2 what a howling wilderness either city or country would be without them6 ,the only drawback on my felicity is the separation1 from ,ernest1 which becomes more painful every year to us both4 ,god has blessed our married life2 it has had its waves and its billows1 but1 thanks unto ,him1 it has at last settled down into a calm sea of untroubled peace4 ,while ,i was secretly braiding my dear husband for giving so attention to his profession as to neglect me and my children1 he was becoming1 every day1 more the ideal of a physician1 cool1 calm1 thoughtful1 studious1 ready to sacrifice his life at any moment in the interests of humanity4 ,how often ,i have mistaken his preoccupied air for indifference2 how many times ,i have inwardly accused him of coldness1 when his whole heart and soul were filled with the grave problem of life1 aye1 and of death likewise4 ,but we understand each other now1 and ,i am sure that ,god dealt wisely and kindly with us when ,he brought together two such opposite natures4 ,no man of my vehement nature could have borne with me as ,ernest has done1 and if he had married a woman as calm1 as undemonstrative as himself what a strange home his would have been for the nurture of little children8 ,but the heart was in him1 and only wanted to be waked up1 and my life has called forth music from his4 ,ah1 there are no partings and meetings now that leave discords in the remembrance1 no neglected birthdays1 no forgotten courtesies4 ,it is beautiful to see the thoughtful brow relax in presence of wife and children1 and to know that ours is1 at last1 the happy home ,i so long sighed for4 ,is the change all in ,ernest8 ,is it not possible that ,i have grown more reasonable1 less childish and aggravating8 ,we are at a farm-house4 ,everything is plain1 but neat and nice4 ,i asked ,mrs4 ,brown1 our hostess2 the other day1 if she did not envy me my four little pets2 she smiled1 said they were the best children she ever saw1 and that it was well to have a family if you have means to start them in the world2 for her part1 she lived from1 hand to mouth as it was1 and was sure she could never stand the worry and care of a house full of young ones4 ,but the worry and care is only half the story1 ,i said4 ,the other half is pure joy and delight4 ,perhaps so1 to people that are well-to-do1 she replied2 but to poor folks1 driven to death as we are1 it's another thing4 ,i was telling him yesterday what a mercy it was there wasn't any young ones round under my feet1 and ,i could take city boarders1 and help work off the mortgage on the farm4 ,and what did your husband say to that8 ,well1 he said we were young and hearty1 and there was no such tearing hurry about the mortgage and that he'd give his right hand to have a couple of boys like yours4 ,well8--,why1 ,i said1 supposing we had a couple1 of boys1 they wouldn't be like yours1 dressed to look genteel and to have their genteel ways but a pair of wild colts1 into everything1 tearing their clothes off their backs1 and wasting faster than we could earn4 ,he said 'twasn't the clothes1 'twas the flesh and blood he wanted1 and 'twasn't no use to argufy about it2 a man that hadn't got any children wasn't mor'n half a man4 ',well1' says ,i1 supposing you had a pack of1 'em1 what have you got to give 'em8' ',jest exactly what my father and mother gave me1' says he2 'two hands to earn their bread with1 and a welcome you could have heard from ,dan to ,beersheba4' ,i like to hear that6 ,i said4 ,and ,i hope many such welcomes will resound in this house4 ,suppose money does come in while little goes-out2 suppose you get possession of the whole farm2 what then8 ,who will enjoy it with you8 ,who will you leave it to when you die8 ,and in your old age who will care for you8 ,you seem awful earnest1 she said4 ,yes1 ,i am in earnest4 ,i want to see little children adorning every home1 as flowers adorn every meadow and every wayside4 ,i want to see them welcomed to the homes they enter1 to see their parents grow less and less selfish1 and more and more loving1 because they have come4 ,i want to see ,god's precious gifts accepted1 not frowned upon and refused4 ,mr4 ,brown came in1 so ,i could say no more4 ,but my heart warmed towards him1 as ,i looked at his frank good-humored face1 and ,i should have been glad to give him the right hand of fellowship1 ,as it was ,i could only say a word or two about the beauty of his farm1 and the scenery of this whole region4 ,yes1 he said1 gratified that ,i appreciated his fields and groves1 it is a tormented pretty-laying farm4 ,part of it was her father's1 and part of it was my father's2 there ain't another like it in the country4 ,as to the scenery1 ,i don't know as ,i ever looked at it2 city folks talk a good deal about it1 but they've nothing to do but look round4 ,walter came trotting in on two bare1 white feet1 and with his shoes in his hand4 ,he had had his nap1 felt1 as bright2 and fresh as he looked rosy1 and ,i did not wonder at ,mr4 ,brown's catching him up and clasping his sunburnt arms about the little fellow1 and pressing him against the warm heart that yearned for nestlings of its own4 ,sept4 #bc-;,home again1 and the full of the thousand cares that follow the summer and precede the winter4 ,but let mothers and wives fret as they will1 they enjoy these labors of love1 and would feel lost without them4 ,for what amount of leisure1 ease and comfort would ,i exchange husband and children and this busy home8 ,martha is better1 and ,helen has come back to us4 ,i don't know how we have lived without her so long4 ,her life seems necessary to the completion of every one of ours4 ,some others have fancied it necessary to the completion of theirs1 but she has not a greed with them4 ,we are glad enough to keep her2 and yet ,i hope the day will come when she1 so worthy of it1 will taste the sweet joys of wifehood and motherhood4 ,,january #a1 #ahec4-;,it is not always so easy to practice1 as it is to preach4 ,i can see in my wisdom forty reasons for having four children and no more4 ,the comfort of sleeping in peace1 of having a little time to read1 and to keep on with my music2 strength with which to look after ,ernest's poor people when they are sick2 and1 to tell the truth1 strength to be bright and fresh and lovable to him--all these little joys have been growing very precious to me1 and now--,i must give them up4 ,i want to do it cheerfully and without a frown4 ,but ,i find ,i love to have my own way1 and that at the very moment ,i was asking ,god to appoint my work for me1 ,i was secretly marking it out for myself4 ,it is mortifying to find my will less in harmony with ,his than ,i thought it was2 and that ,i want to prescribe to ,him how ,i shall spend the time and the health and the strength which are ,his1 not mine4 ,but ,i will not rest until till this struggle is over2 till ,i can say with a smile1 ,not my will6 ,not my will6 ,but ,thine6 ,we have been1 this winter1 one of the happiest families on earth4 ,our love to each other1 ,ernest's and mine1 though not perfect-nothing on earth is-has grown less selfish1 more ,christ-like2 it has been sanctified by prayer and by the sorrows we have borne together4 ,then the children have been well and happy1 and the source of almost unmitigated joy and comfort4 ,and ,helen's presence in this home1 her sisterly affection1 her patience with the children and her influence over them1 is a benediction for which ,i cannot be thankful enough4 ,how delightful it is to have a sister6 ,i think it is not often the case that own sisters have such perfect ,christian sympathy with each other as we have4 ,ever since the day she ceased to torment herself with the fear that she was not a child of ,god1 and laid aside the sombre garments she had worn so long1 she has had a peace that has hardly known a cloud4 ,she says1 in a note written me about the time3 ,i want you to know1 my darling sister1 that the despondency that made my affliction so hard to bear fled before those words of yours which1 as ,i have already told you1 ,god taught you to speak4 ,i do not know whether ,i was really ,his child1 at the time1 or not4 ,i had certainly had an experience very different from yours2 prayer had never been much more to me than a duty2 and ,i had never felt the sweetness of that harmony between ,god and ,i the human soul that ,i now know can take away all the bitterness from the cup of sorrow4 ,i knew-who can help knowing it that reads ,god's word8-that he required submission from ,his children and that ,his children gave it1 no matter what it cost4 ,the ,bible is full of beautiful expressions of it2 so are our hymns2 so are the written lives of all good men and good women2 and ,i have seen it in you1 my dear ,katy1 at the very moment you were accusing yourself of the want of it4 ,entire oneness of the will with the ,divine ,will seem to me to be the law and the gospel of the ,christian life2 and this evidence of a renewed nature1 ,i found wanting in myself4 ,at any moment during the three years following ,james' death ,i would have snatched away from ,god1 if ,i could2 ,i was miserably lonely and desolate without him1 not merely because he had been so much1 to me1 but because his loss revealed to me the distance between ,christ and my soul4 ,all ,i could do was to go on praying1 year after year1 in a dreary1 hopeless way1 that ,i might learn to say1 as ,david did1 ',i opened not my mouth because ,thou didst it4' ,when you suggested that instead of trying to figure out whether ,i had loved ,god1 ,i should begin to love ,him now1 light broke in upon my soul2 ,i gave myself to ,him that instant and as soon as ,i could get away by myself ,i fell upon my knees and gave myself up to the sense of ,his sovereignty for the first time in my life4 ,then1 too1 ,i looked at my 'light affliction1' and at the 'weight of glory' side by side1 and thanked ,him that through the one ,he had revealed to me the other4 ,katy1 ,i know the human heart is deceitful above all things1 but ,i think it would be a dishonor to ,god to doubt that ,he then revealed ,himself to me as ,he doth not to the world1 and that the sweet peace ,i then found in yielding to ,him will be more or less mine so long as ,i live4 ,oh1 if all sufferers could learn what ,i have learned6 that every broken heart could be healed as mine has been healed6 ,my precious sister1 cannot we make this one part of our mission on earth1 to pray for every sorrow-stricken soul1 and whenever we have influence over such1 to lead it to honor ,god by instant obedience to ,his will1 whatever that may be8 ,i have dishonored ,him by years of rebellious1 carefully-nursed sorrow2 ,i want to honor ,him now by years of resignation and grateful joy4 ,reading this letter over in my present mood has done me good4 ,more beautiful faith in ,god than ,helen's ,i have never seen2 let me have it1 too4 ,may this prayer1 which1 under the inspiration of the moment1 ,i can offer without a misgiving1 become the habitual1 deep-seated desire of my soul3 ,bring into captivity every thought to the obedience of ,christ4 ,take what ,i cannot give--my heart1 body1 thoughts1 time1 abilities1 money1 health1 strength1 nights1 days1 youth1 age1 and spend them in ,thy service1 ,o my crucified ,master1 ,redeemer1 ,god4 ,oh1 let these not be mere words6 ,whom have ,i in heaven but ,thee8 and there is none upon earth that ,i desire in comparison of ,thee4 ,my heart is athirst for ,god1 for the living ,god4 ,when shall ,i come and appear before ,god8 ,chapter #bg ,,xxvii4 ,,august #a ,i ,,have just written to ,mrs4 ,brown to know whether she will take us for the rest of the summer4 ,a certain little man1 not a very old little man either1 has kept us in town till now4 ,since he has come1 we are all very glad of him1 though he came on his own invitation1 brought no wardrobe with him1 does not pay for his board1 never speaks a word1 takes no notice of us1 and wants more waiting on than any one else in the house4 ,the children are full of delicious curiosity about him1 and overwhelm him with presents of the most heterogeneous character4 ,sweet ,briar ,farm1 ,,aug4 #i4-,we got there this afternoon1 bag and baggage4 ,i had not said a word to ,mrs4 ,brown about the addition to our family circle1 knowing she had plenty of room1 and as we alighted from the carriage1 ,i snatched my baby from his nurse's arms and ran gaily up the walk with him in mine4 ,if this splendid fellow doesn't convert her nothing will1 ,i said to myself4 ,at that instant what should ,i see but ,mrs4 ,brown1 running to meet me with a boy in her arms exactly like ,mr4 ,brown1 only not quite six feet long1 and not sunburnt4 ,there6 ,i cried1 holding up my little old man4 ,there6 said she1 holding up hers4 ,we laughed till we cried2 she took my baby and ,i took hers2 after looking at him ,i liked mine better than ever2 after looking at mine she was perfectly satisfied with hers4 ,we got into the house at last2 that is to say1 we mothers did2 the children darted through it and out of the door that led to the fields and woods1 and vanished in the twinkling of an eye4 ,mrs4 ,brown had always been a pretty woman1 with bright eyes1 shining1 well-kept hair1 and a color in her cheeks like the rose which had given its name to her farm4 ,but there was now a new beauty in her face2 the mysterious and sacred sufferings and joys of maternity had given it thought and feeling4 ,i had no idea ,i should be so fond of a baby1 she said1 kissing it1 whenever she stopped to put in a comma2 but ,i don't know how ,i ever got along without one4 ,he's off at work nearly the whole day1 and when ,i had got through with mine1 and had put on my afternoon dress1 and was ready to sit down1 you can't think how lonesome it was4 ,but now by the time ,i am dressed1 baby is ready to go out to get the air2 he knows the minute he sees me bring out his little hat that he is going to see his father and he's awful fond of his father4 ,though that isn't so strange1 either1 for his father's awful fond of him4 ,all his little ways are so pretty1 and he never cries unless he's hungry or tired4 ,tell mother a pretty story now2 yes1 mother hears1 bless his little heart6 ,then when ,mr4 ,brown came home to his supper1 his face was a sight to see1 as he caught sight of me at my open window1 and came to it with the child's white arms clinging to his neck1 looking as happy and as bashful as a girl4 ,you see she must needs go to quartering this bouncing young one on to me1 he said1 as if ,i didn't have to work hard enough before4 ,well1 maybe he'll get his feed off the farm2 we'll see what we can do4 ,mamma1 ,una whispered1 as he went off his facsimile1 to kiss it rapturously1 behind a woodpile1 do you think ,mrs4 ,brown's baby very pretty8 ,which was so mild a way of suggesting the fact of the case1 that ,i kissed her without trying to hide my amusement4 ,,aug4 #aj4-;,after being cooped up in town so large a part of the summer1 the children are nearly wild with delight at being in the country once more4 ,even our demure ,una skips about with a buoyancy ,i have never seen in her2 she never has her ill turns when out of the city1 and ,i wish1 for her sake1 we could always live here4 ,as to ,raymond and ,walter1 ,i never pretend to see them except at their meals and their bedtime2 they just live outdoors1 following the men at their work1 asking all sorts of absurd questions1 which ,mr4 ,brown reports to me every night1 with shouts of delighted laughter4 ,two gay and gladsome boys they are2 really good without being priggish2 ,i don't think ,i could stand that4 ,people ask me how it happens that my children are all so promptly obedient and so happy4 ,as if it chanced that some parents have such children1 or chanced that some have not6 ,i am afraid it is only too true1 as some one has remarked1 that this is the age of obedient parents6 ,what then will be the future of their children8 ,how can they yield to ,god who have never been taught to yield to human authority8 ,and how well fitted will they be to rule their own households who have never learned to rule themselves8 ,,aug4 #ca4-,this has been one of those cold1 dismal1 rainy days which are not infrequent during the month of ,august4 ,so the children have been obliged to give up the open air1 of which they are so fond1 and fall back upon what entertainment could be found within the house4 ,i have read to them the little journal ,i kept during the whole life of the brother ,i am not willing they should forget4 ,his quaint and sagacious sayings were delicious to them2 the history of his first steps1 his first words sounded to them like a fairy tale4 ,and the story of his last steps1 his last words on earth1 had for them such a tender charm1 that there was a cry of disappointment from them all1 when ,i closed the little book and told them we should have to wait till we got to heaven before we could know anything more about his precious life4 ,how thankful ,i am that ,i kept this journal1 and that ,i have almost as charming ones about most of my other children6 ,what ,i speedily forgot amid the pressure of cares and of new events is safely written down1 and will be the source of endless pleasure to them long after the hand that wrote has ceased from its labors1 and lies inactive and at rest4 ,ah1 it is a blessed thing to be a mother6 ,,september #a4-,this baby of mine1 is certainly the sweetest and best ,i ever had ,i feel an inexpressible tenderness for it1 which ,i cannot quite explain to myself1 for ,i have loved them all dearly1 most dearly4 ,perhaps it is so with all mothers1 perhaps they all grow more loving1 more forbearing1 more patient as they grow older1 and yearn over these helpless little ones with an ever-increasing1 yet chastened delight4 ,one cannot help sheltering their tender infancy1 who will so soon pass forth to fight the battle of life1 each one waging an invisible warfare against invisible foes4 ,how thankfully we would fight it for them1 if we might6 ,,september #bj4-,the mornings and evenings are very cool now1 while in the middle of the day it is quite hot4 ,ernest comes to see us very often1 under the pretense that he can't trust me with so young a baby 6 ,he is so tender and thoughtful1 and spoils me so1 that this world is very bright to me2 ,i am a little jealous of it2 ,i don't want to be so happy in ,ernest1 or in my children1 as to forget for one instant that ,i am a pilgrim and a stranger on earth4 ,,evening4-,there is no danger that ,i shall4 ,ernest suddenly made his appearance to-night1 and in a great burst of distress quite unlike anything ,i ever saw in him1 revealed to me that he had been feeling the greatest anxiety about me ever since the baby came4 ,it is all nonsense4 ,i cough1 to be sure2 but that it is owing to the varying temperature we always have at this season4 ,i shall get over1 it as soon as we get home1 ,i dare say4 ,but suppose ,i should not2 what then8 ,could ,i leave this precious little flock1 uncared for1 untended8 ,have ,i faith to believe that if ,god calls me away from them1 it will be in love to them8 ,i do not know4 ,the thought of getting away from the sin that still so easily besets me is very delightful1 and ,i have enjoyed so many1 many such foretastes of the bliss of heaven that ,i know ,i should be happy there1 but then my children1 all of them under twelve years old6 ,i will not choose1 ,i dare not4 ,my married life has been a beautiful one4 ,it is true that sin and folly1 and sickness and sorrow1 have marred its perfection1 but it has been adorned by a love which has never faltered4 ,my faults have never alienated ,ernest2 his faults1 for like other human beings he has them1 have never overcome my love to him4 ,this has been the gift of ,god in answer to our constant prayer1 that whatever other bereavement we might have to suffer1 we might never be bereft of this benediction4 ,it has been the glad secret of a happy marriage1 and ,i wish ,i could teach it to every human being who enters upon a state that must bring with it the depth of misery1 or life's most sacred and mysterious joy4 ,,october #f4-;,ernest has let me stay here to see the autumnal foliage in its ravishing beauty for the first1 perhaps for the last1 time4 ,the woods and fields and groves are lighting up my very soul6 ,it seems as if autumn had caught the inspiration and the glow of summer1 had hidden its floral beauty1 its gorgeous sunsets and its bow of promise in its heart of hearts1 and was now flashing it forth upon the world with a lavish and opulent hand4 ,i can hardly tear myself away1 and return to the prose of city life4 ,but ,ernest has come for us1 and is eager to get us home before colder weather4 ,i laugh at his anxiety about his old wife4 ,why need he fancy that this trifling cough is not to give way as it often has done before8 ,dear ,ernest6 ,i never knew that he loved me so4 ,,october #ca4-;,ernest's fear that he had let me stay too long in the country does not seem to be justified4 ,we went so late that ,i wanted to indulge the children by staying late4 ,so we have only just got home4 ,i feel about as well as usual2 it is true ,i have a little soreness a bout the chest1 but it does not signify anything4 ,i never was so happy1 in my husband and children1 in other words in my home1 as ,i am now4 ,life looks very attractive4 ,i am glad that ,i am going to get well4 ,but ,ernest watches me carefully1 and want me1 as a precautionary measure1 to give up music1 writing1 sewing1 and painting-the very things that occupy me6 and lead an idle1 useless life1 for a time4 ,i cannot refuse what he asks so tenderly1 and as a personal favor to himself4 ,yet ,i should like to fill the remaining pages of my journal2 ,i never like to leave things incomplete4 ,,june #a1 #aheh4-;,i wrote that seven years ago1 little dreaming how long it1 would be before ,i should use a pen4 ,seven happy years ago6 ,i suppose that some who have known what my outward life has been during this period would think of me as a mere object of pity4 ,there has certainly been suffering and deprivation enough to justify the sympathy of my dear husband and children and the large circle of friends who have rallied about us4 ,how little we knew we had so many6 ,god has dealt very tenderly with me4 ,i was not stricken down by sudden disease1 nor were the things ,i delighted in all taken away at once4 ,there was a gradual loss of strength and gradual increase of suffering1 and it was only by degrees that ,i was asked to give up the employments in which ,i'd delighted1 my household duties1 my visits to the sick and suffering1 the society of beloved friends4 ,perhaps ,ernest perceived and felt my deprivations sooner than ,i did2 his sympathy always seemed to out-run my disappointments4 ,when ,i compare him1 as he is now1 with what he was when ,i first knew him ,i bless ,god for all the precious lessons ,he has taught him at my cost4 ,there1 is a tenacity and persistence about his love for me that has made these years almost as wearisome to him as they have been to me4 ,as to myself1 if ,i had been told what ,i was to learn through these protracted sufferings ,i am afraid ,i should have shrunk back in terror and so have lost all the sweet lessons ,god proposed to teach me4 ,as it is ,he has led me on1 step by step1 answering my prayers in ,his own way2 and ,i cannot bear to have a single human being doubt that it has been a perfect way4 ,i love and adore it just as it is4 ,perhaps the suspense has been one of the most trying features of my case4 ,just as ,i have unclasped my hand from my dear ,ernest's2 just as ,i have let go my almost frantic hold of my darling children2 just as heaven opened before me and ,i fancied my weariness over and my wanderings done2 just then almost every alarming symptom would disappear and life recall me from the threshold of heaven itself4 ,thus ,i have been emptied from vessel to vessel1 til ,i have learned that he only is truly happy who has no longer a choice of his own1 and lies passive in ,god's hand4 ,even now no one can foretell the issue of this sickness4 ,we live a day at a time not knowing what shall be on the morrow4 ,but whether ,i live or die my happiness is secure and so ,i believe is of my beloved ones4 ,this is a true picture of our home3 ,a sick-room full of the suffering ravages the body but cannot touch the soul4 ,a worn1 wasting mother ministered unto by a devoted husband and by unselfish ,christian children4 ,some of the peace of ,god if not all of it1 shines in every face1 is heard in every tone4 ,it is a home that typifies and foreshadows the home that is perfect and eternal4 ,our dear ,helen has been given us for this emergency4 ,is it not strange that seeing our domestic life should have awakened in her some yearnings for a home and a heart and children of her own4 ,she has said that there was a weary point in her life when she made up her mind that she was never to know these joys4 ,but she accepted her lot gracefully4 ,i do not know any other word that describes so well the beautiful offering she made of her life to ,god and then to us4 ,he accepted it1 and as given her all the cares and responsibilities of domestic life without the transcendent joys that sustain the wife and the mother4 ,she has been all in all to our children and ,god has been all in all to her4 ,and she is happy in ,his service and in our love4 ,,june #bj-;,it took me nearly two weeks to write the above at intervals as my strength allowed4 ,ernest has consented to my finishing this volume1 of which so few pages yet remain4 ,and he let me see a dear old friend who came all the way from my native town to see me-,dr4 ,eaton1 our family physician as long as ,i could remember4 ,he is of an advanced age but full of vigor1 his eye bright1 and with a healthful glow on his cheek4 ,but he says he is waiting and longing for his summons home4 ,about that home we had a delightful talk together that did my very heart good4 ,then he made me tell him about this long sickness and the years of frail health and some of the sorrows through which ,i had toiled4 ,ah1 these lovely children are explained now1 he said4 ,do you really think1 ,i asked1 that it has been good for my children to have a feeble1 afflicted mother8 ,yes1 ,i really think so4 ,a disciplined mother--disciplined children4 ,this comforting thought is one of the last drops in a cup of felicity already full4 ,,june #b-;,another ,sunday1 and all at church except my darling ,una who keeps watch over her mother4 ,these ,sundays when ,i have had them each alone in turn have been blessed days to them and to me4 ,surely this is some compensation for what they lose in me of health and vigor4 ,i know the state of each soul as far as it can be known1 and have every reason to believe that my children all love my ,saviour and are trying to live for ,him4 ,i have learned at last not to despise the day of small things1 to cherish the tenderest blossom1 and to expect my dear ones to be imperfect before they become perfect ,christians4 ,una is a sweet composed young girl now eighteen years old and what can ,i say more of the love her brothers bear her than this3 they never tease her4 ,she has long ceased asking why she must have delicate health when so many others of her age are full of animal life and vigor but stands in her lot and place doing what she can1 suffering what she must1 with a meekness that makes her lovely in my eyes1 and that ,i am sure unites her closely to ,christ4 ,,june #bg4-;,it was ,raymond's turn to stay with me to-day4 ,he opened his heart to me more freely than he had ever done before4 ,mamma1 he began1 if papa is willing1 ,i have made up my mind-that is to say if ,i get decently good-to go on a mission4 ,i said playfully3 ,and mamma's consent is not to be asked8 ,no1 he said1 getting hold of what there is left of my hand4 ,i know you wouldn't say a word4 ,don't you remember telling me once when ,i was a little boy that ,i might go and welcome8 ,and don't you remember1 ,i returned1 that you cried for joy1 and then relieved your mind still farther by walking on your hands with your feet in the air8 ,we both laughed heartily at this remembrance1 and then ,i said3 ,my dear boy1 you know your fathers plan for you8 ,yes1 ,i know he expects me to study with him1 and take his place in the world4 ,and it is a very important place4 ,his countenance fell as he fancied ,i was not entering heartily into his wishes4 ,dear ,raymond1 ,i went on1 ,i gave you to ,god long before you gave yourself to ,him4 ,if ,he can make you useful in your own1 or in other lands1 ,i bless ,his name4 ,whether ,i live to see you a man1 or not1 ,i hope you will work in the ,lord's vineyard1 wherever ,he calls4 ,i never asked anything but usefulness1 in all my prayers for you2 never once4 ,his eyes filled with tears2 he kissed me and walked away to the window to compose himself4 ,my poor1 dear1 lovable1 loving boy6 ,he has all his mother's trials and struggles to contend with2 but what matter it if they bring him the same peace8 ,,june #cj4--;,everybody wonders to see me once more interested in my long-closed ,journal1 and becoming able to see the dear friends from whom ,i have been1 in a measure cut off4 ,we cannot ask the meaning of this remarkable increase of strength4 ,i have no wish to choose4 ,but ,i have come to the last page of my ,journal1 and living or dying1 shall write in this volume no more4 ,it closes upon a life of much childishness and great sinfulness1 whose record makes me blush with shame but ,i no longer need to relieve my heart with seeking sympathy in its unconscious pages nor do ,i believe it well to go on analyzing it as ,i have done4 ,i have had large experience of both joy and sorrow2 ,i have the nakedness and the emptiness and ,i have seen the beauty and sweetness of life4 ,what ,i say now1 let me say to ,jesus4 ,what time and strength ,i used to spend in writing here1 let me spend in praying for all men1 for all sufferers who are out of the way1 for all whom ,i love4 ,and their name is ,legion for ,i love everybody4 ,yes ,i love everybody6 ,that crowning joy has come to me at last4 ,christ is in my soul2 ,he is mine2 ,i am as conscious of it as that my husband and children are mine2 and ,his ,spirit flows from mine in the calm peace of a river whose banks are green with grass and glad with flowers4 ,if ,i die it will be to leave a wearied and worn body1 and a sinful soul to go joyfully to be with ,christ1 to weary and to sin no more4 ,if ,i live1 ,i shall find much blessed work to do for ,him4 ,so living or dying ,i shall be the ,lord's4 ,but ,i wish1 oh how earnestly1 that whether ,i go or stay1 ,i could inspire some lives with the joy that is now mine4 ,for many years ,i have been rich in faith2 rich in an unfaltering confidence that ,i was beloved of my ,god and ,saviour4 ,but something was wanting ,i was ever groping for a mysterious grace the want of which made me often sorrowful in the very midst of my most sacred joy1 imperfect when ,i most longed for perfection4 ,it was that personal love to ,christ of which my precious mother so often spoke to me which she often urged me to seek upon my knees4 ,if ,i had known then1 as ,i know now what this priceless treasure could be to a sinful human soul1 ,i would have sold all that ,i had to buy the field wherein it lay hidden4 ,but not till ,i was shut up to prayer and to the study of ,gods word by the loss of earthly joys1 sickness destroying the flavor of them all1 did ,i begin to penetrate the mystery that is learned under the cross4 ,and wondrous as it is1 how simple is this mystery6 ,to love ,christ and to know that ,i love ,him-this is all6 ,and when ,i entered upon the sacred yet oft-times homely duties of married life1 if this love had been mine1 how would that life have been transfigured6 ,the petty faults of my husband under which ,i chafed would not have moved me2 ,i should have welcomed ,martha and her father to my home and made them happy there2 ,i should have had no conflicts with my servants1 shown no petulance to my children4 ,for it would not have been ,i who spoke and acted but ,christ who lived in me4 ,alas6 ,i have had less than seven years in which to atone for a sinful1 wasted past and to live a new and a ,christ-like life4 ,if ,i am to have yet more1 thanks be to ,him who has given me the victory1 that ,life will be ,love4 ,not the love that rests in the contemplation and adoration of its object2 but the love that gladdens1 sweetens1 solaces other lives4 ,o gifts of gifts6 ,o grace of faith ,my ,god6 how can it be ,that ,thou who hast discerning love1 ,shouldst give that gift to me8 ,how many hearts thou mightst have had ,more innocent than mine6 ,how many souls more worthy far ,of that sweet touch of ,thine8 ,oh grace6 into unlikeliest hearts ,it is thy boast to come ,the glory of ,thy light to find ,in darkest spots a home4 ,oh happy1 happy that ,i am6 ,if thou canst be1 ,o faith ,the treasure that thou art in life ,what wilt thou be in death8 ---------------------------------------- --------------------------- ,,stepping ,,westward4 ,,while my fellow-traveler and ,i were walking by the side of ,loch ,katrine one fine evening after sunset in our road to a hut where in the course of our tour we had been hospitably entertained some weeks before1 we met1 in one of the loneliest parts of that solitary region two well-dressed women1 one of whom said to us by way of greeting1 ,what1 you are stepping westward8 ,what1 you are stepping westward8 ,yea4--',twould be a wildish destiny ,if we who thus together roam ,in a strange land and far from home ,were in this place the guests of chance3 ,yet who would stop1 or fear to advance1 ,though home or shelter he had none1 ,with such a sky to lead him on8 ,the dewy ground was dark and cold2 ,behind1 all gloomy to behold3 ,and stepping westward seemed to be ,a kind of heavenly destiny3 ,i liked the greeting2 'twas a sound ,of something without place and bound1 ,and seemed to give me spiritual right ,to travel through that region bright4 ,the voice was soft and she who spake ,was walking by her native lake3 ,the salutation had to me ,the very sound of courtesy3 ,its power was felt2 and while my eye ,was fixed upon the glowing sky1 ,the echo of the voice enwrought ,a human sweetness with the thought ,of traveling through the world that lay ,before me in my endless way4--,,wordsworth4 ,the ,end