,transcribers ,notes3 ,title and ,table of ,contents added4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,the ,,idler ,,magazine4 ,,an ,,illustrated ,,monthly4 ,march #ahic4 99 99 99 99 99 ,,contents4 ,,the ,,lyceum ,,rehearsals4 ,,by ,g4 ,b4 ,,burgin4 ,a ,,blessing ,,disguised4 ,,by ,f4 ,w4 ,,robinson4 ,,lions ,,in ,,their ,,dens4 ,,iii4--,,george ,,newnes ,,at ,,putney4 ,,by ,,raymond ,,blathwayt4 ,,novel ,,notes4 ,,by ,,jerome ,k4 ,,jerome4 ,,on ,,pilgrims ,,and ,,the ,,pilgrim ,,spirit4 ,,by ,a4 ,,adams ,,martin4 ,a ,,college ,,idyl4 ,,by ,s4 ,,gordon4 ,,my ,,first ,,book4 ,,by ,f4 ,w4 ,,robinson4 ,,told ,,by ,,the ,,colonel4 ,,xi4 ,,hoskins',s ,,pets4 ,,by ,w4 ,l4 ,,alden4 ,,experiences ,,of ,a ',,varsity ,,oar4 ,,by ,,an ,,old ,,blue4 7,f4 ,c4 ,,drake47 ,,the ,,idlers ,,club4 ,,is ,,childhood ,,the ,,happiest ,,or ,,the ,,most ,,miserable ,,period ,,of ,,one',s ,,existence8 99 99 99 99 99 ,illustration3 ,,mr4 ,,henry ,,irving ,,watching ,a ,,rehearsal ,the ,lyceum ,rehearsals4 ,,by ,g4 ,b4 ,,burgin4 ,,illustrations ,,by ,j4 ,,bernard ,,partridge4 7,photographs by ,messrs4 ,barraud47 ----- ,illustration3 ,,tennyson4 ,one day a paragraph appears in the papers that a new piece will shortly be produced at such and such a theatre4 ,paterfamilias lays down the paper and placidly observes that it may be worth while getting seats4 ,then he goes down to the theatre1 books seats1 and troubles himself no more about the matter until the first night of the play in question4 ,the world behind the curtain is one with which he is totally unfamiliar4 ,he knows naught of its struggles1 its hopes and fears1 its arduous work1 its magnificent prizes and sore disappointments4 ,so many thousands of pounds have been spent in preparing the play1 so many reputations are at stake1 so many hearts will be gay and glad to-morrow1 or aching with the bitter pain of defeat4 ,but to ,paterfamilias these are all the joys or sorrows of another world4 ,as he watches the smooth1 easy performance1 in which every actor has his place1 in which the whole pageant produces itself without apparent effort1 he fails to imagine the ceaseless work involved in its adequate realisation4 ,he does not know that for weeks before the production of a new play1 say at the ,lyceum for instance1 ,mr4 ,irving and the wonderful company which he has gathered round him labour over it often far into the night after the audience has left4 ,the general idea of an actor's life is that it is a delightful round of social pleasures tempered by a few hours' light1 agreeable work in the evening2 to those who think this1 a visit to the ,lyceum rehearsals would reveal the other side of the shield4 ,very few men in ,london labour so indefatigably as ,mr4 ,irving4 ,to watch him directing a rehearsal almost makes one's head ache at the mere idea of such unceasing labour4 ,every motion1 however insignificant1 of each individual on the stage1 from himself down to the newest and rawest super1 has to be thought out and planned in ,mr4 ,irving's brain4 ,like an ideal general1 he leaves nothing to chance1 nothing to subordinates4 ,the turning up or down of every gas jet1 the movement of every piece of furniture1 the effect of every note of music1 has received his most careful thought4 ,one watches him stand hour after hour on the ,lyceum stage1 without weariness1 without impatience1 guiding the whole of the great production4 ,and though ,mr4 ,irving never spares himself1 he is very considerate to others4 ,when1 for instance1 a young actor is unable to comprehend the full meaning of an explanation1 ,mr4 ,irving walks up and down the stage1 one arm on his shoulder1 and explains the whole conception of the part4 ,he is not only a great actor1 but a great teacher2 and his influence pervades and dominates every being in the theatre4 ,he does not merely assert1 but gives full and sufficient reason for every action until every one on the stage grasps the exact meaning of the scene as well as he does himself4 ,as an instance of this1 let us follow the rehearsals of ,becket4 ,illustration3 ,,mr4 ,,henry ,,irving4 ,illustration3 ,,miss ,,terry ,,studying ,,her ,,part4 ,illustration3 ,,mr4 ,,william ,,terriss4 ,the theatre itself is deserted save by some ghostly caretaker who glides noiselessly through the shadowy gloom1 sliding a brush over the upholstery without looking at it1 and replacing each covering as she goes4 ,on the stage are two gentlemen wearing picturesque soft hats1 and long coats which reach to within half-a-foot of the ground4 ,the taller of the two1 ,mr4 ,henry ,irving1 wears a light drab-coloured coat and dark hat2 ,mr4 ,william ,terriss is attired in a light hat and dark coat4 ,in the centre of the stage1 close to the foot-lights1 stands a screen2 behind the screen is a chair4 ,to the left of the stage 7as you look at it from the stalls7 is placed a small table with a big gilt cross on it4 ,on the extreme right there is another small table laden with papers1 plans of the stage1 and letters4 ,at the back of the stage are grouped numerous male supers1 clad in ordinary morning costume and wearing the inevitable bowler hat1 which does not harmonise very well with the huge spears they carry4 ,it is the scene in the second act of the late ,poet ,laureate's ,becket1 ,the ,meeting of the ,kings1 and ,mr4 ,irving is busily engaged grouping some fifty people who are required to pose as barons1 ,french prelates1 and retainers4 ,when he has done this1 there is still something wanted to complete the picture4 ,two pages are lacking4 ,where's ,johnny8 asks ,mr4 ,irving1 and ,johnny appears4 ,mr4 ,irving eyes him critically4 ,i'm afraid you're too big1 ,johnny1 he says1 and ,johnny disappointedly makes way for a smaller boy4 ,mr4 ,irving stands well in the centre of the stage1 absorbing every detail4 ,the ,french bishops are huddled too near together1 and he groups them more naturally4 ,becket's mortal foes1 ,fitzurse1 ,de ,brito1 ,de ,tracy1 and ,de ,morville1 are moved lower down towards the audience1 so that they can go off with greater effect when jeering at ,becket4 ,illustration ,the cameo-cut outlines of ,mr4 ,irving's fine serious features are plainly visible as he turns to look at the wings4 ,i don't see any necessity for having these 'wings' so forward1 he declares1 and the wings at once slide gently back1 moved by some invisible agency4 ,in response to ,mr4 ,irving's request for another alteration in the scenery 7he speaks with an utter absence of effort in a voice which can be heard at the other end of the theatre1 although it does not appear to be raised above a conversational pitch71 a middle-aged gentleman1 attired in a frock coat1 his brows carefully swathed in a white pocket handkerchief1 comes forward1 yardstick in hand1 and measures the stage with great assiduity4 ,when this has been done1 ,mr4 ,irving sits down with ,please go on4 ,then he turns to ,mr4 ,terriss3 ,shall we go through it first without the dialogue8 ,yes1 answers ,mr4 ,terriss2 and the whole action of the scene is gone through4 ,mr4 ,irving and ,mr4 ,terriss exchanging their direction of the various groups for the assumption of their own parts with an ease and rapidity born of long practice1 ,mr4 ,irving moving about from group to group until he is satisfied with the effect of the whole4 ,mr4 ,h4 ,t4 ,loveday1 the stage manager1 being at present ill1 ,mr4 ,terriss is kindly assisting ,mr4 ,irving with rehearsal4 ,after the entrances and exits have been arranged for the twentieth time1 ,henry's magnificent voice rings out as ,louis enters3 ',brother of ,france1 what shall be done with ,becket8' ,as this is one of the early rehearsals1 the actors are not yet word perfect4 ,each holds his part in one hand1 and refreshes his memory as he goes on4 ,when ,henry and ,louis have finished their dialogue1 and ,becket is about to enter1 ,mr4 ,irving suddenly pauses4 ,make a note that before ,becket's entrance there should be a slow chant--a ,gregorian chant--and flourishes4 ,where are the gentlemen who sing8 ,the gentlemen who sing come on1 and practise the chant4 ,not quite so loud4 ,mr4 ,irving claps his hands 7the stage signal for stopping people7 and decides to try the effect behind the scenes4 ,that will do2 very good1 he declares1 as the solemn chant steals slowly in1 and then1 merging the manager in the actor1 kneels at ,henry's feet4 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,stage ,,from ,,the ,,dress ,,circle4 ,at this juncture1 ,mr4 ,irving becomes the stage-manager again1 and turns to the group of ,henry's followers4 ,you1 gentlemen1 are to come up here4 ,you are rather startled1 and listen attentively2 that's the spirit of it4 ,king ,henry's followers move up1 and jeer at ,becket1 who curses them4 ,then come the voices of the crowd without3 ',blessed be the ,lord ,archbishop1 who hath withstood two kings to their faces for the honour of ,god4' ,but ,mr4 ,irving is not satisfied with the crowd4 ,slower and more gravely1 please4 ,i want the emphasis on 'the ,lord ,archbishop4' ,so6 ,that will be very good4 ,after this1 there is an interval1 and ,mr4 ,irving and ,mr4 ,terriss disappear4 ,before they return1 the stage carpenters begin to prepare for the murder scene in the last act4 ,a number of what appear to be canvas-covered trunks are brought in and laid down to represent stones in the choir of ,canterbury ,cathedral4 ,meantime1 some of the gentlemen who represent the monks in this scene playfully spar at one another1 or lunge with walking-sticks at imaginary foes4 ,the carpenters are busy measuring the stage in all directions with tapes in accordance with a plan which one of them holds in his hand4 ,before ,mr4 ,irving returns1 the supers group themselves left and answer to their names4 ,when he reappears1 they look at him expectantly4 ,i am not going to rehearse this scene to-day1 he says1 but will just arrange it4 ,those who sing1 go over right 7left from the audience74 ,you sing the vespers4 ,i want six more with you4 ,then1 twelve of the shortest4 ,you follow them4 ,all the short ones you have1 please4 ,yes1 you're short 7to a diminutive 'super' who is standing on tiptoe and trying to look seven feet high at least74 ,don't be bashful4 ,you're none the worse for being short4 ,come along2 and with unfailing memory ,mr4 ,irving calls each man by name1 and indicates his place4 ,when a man fails to quite realise what is required of him1 ,mr4 ,irving takes him by the shoulders1 and gently moves him along to the required position1 very much as if the individual in question were a pawn about to be played in a game of chess4 ,as soon as the monks are grouped to his satisfaction1 he steps back4 ,that's it4 ,now1 you all come down from the choir4 ,there is a loud hammering against the door4 ,i go to open the door1 and all of you rush right by me4 ,then ,mr4 ,irving opens the door to his murderers1 and is borne back by the crowd of terrified monks4 ,five minutes afterwards1 he has returned to life1 and is rehearsing a scene from ,king ,lear1 with ,miss ,ellen ,terry's understudy1 in as natural and unembarrassed a manner as if he had not been working hard for three hours previously4 ,especial care is bestowed by ,mr4 ,irving with regard to every detail of the murder scene4 ,on another occasion1 the scenery is not ready1 but a flight of steep steps1 essential to the action1 is placed far back in a position to left of the stage4 ,as ,becket has never been played before1 there are no traditions whatever to guide actors or scenic artists1 and each movement1 phrase1 gesture1 and intonation1 must be created4 ,mr4 ,irving picks up a huge battle-axe and hatchet1 and carefully plans the details of his own murder4 ,having decided how to die1 he thoughtfully surveys the steps up which the frightened monks are supposed to rush4 ,they won't do1 says ,mr4 ,irving4 ,they are too steep2 there is no hand-rail2 and the monks will fall over and hurt themselves4 ,take off four steps4 ,it would be too dangerous if anyone fell down4 ,now1 then1 ,salisbury and ,grim1 ,i enter1 forced along by you4 ,catch hold of me1 and put your arms round me this way4 ,that's it4 ,no2 ,i don't like those steps4 ,illustration3 ,a ,,critical ,,moment4 ,mr4 ,irving again tries the steps personally1 and decides what further alterations are required4 ,then he addresses the monks1 who stand by the steps awaiting instructions4 ,this is a scene1 gentlemen1 which requires the utmost carefulness and patience1 and all the earnestness you can throw into it4 ,now1 gentlemen4 ,the crowd3 ,here is the great ,archbishop4 ,he lives6 he lives6 ,no1 ,i wouldn't do it that way1 says ,mr4 ,irving4 ',here is the great ,archbishop4' ,you're surprised to see me1 you know4 ,then pause4 ',he lives6 he lives6' in a sort of whisper4 ,now1 go back and chant the service1 and do it all over again4 ,illustration3 ,,miss ,,genevieve ,,ward ,,and ,,master ,,byrne ,,rehearsing4 ,the solemn strains of the organ are heard1 as ,rosamond goes off1 the cue for the monks to enter being1 ,and pass at once perfect to ,paradise4 ,but the organ is too loud2 so is the chant4 ,after several attempts1 the organ sounds more softly1 the monks appear1 and ,becket enters1 hurried along by his friends4 ,but the monks have not yet caught the spirit of the scene4 ,you are frightened out of your lives4 ,see1 says ,mr4 ,irving1 and1 in a second1 he personates a frightened monk4 ,the next moment1 with bewildering rapidity1 he is the ,archbishop again4 ',what do these people fear8' ,when ,i say1 ',i will go out and meet them1' you must murmur as if to stop me4 ,i tell you1 ',why1 these are our own monks who follow'd us1' and you are reassured4 ,then ,i open the door1 with1 ',come in1 my friends1 come in4' ,yes1 that's it4 ,who leads the monks as they come in8 ,mr4 ,belmore8 ,yes1 that's right4 ,you rush in1 followed by monks1 crying out as if you were thoroughly frightened3 ',a score of knights all arm'd with swords and axes4' ,then pause a moment1 and shout1 ',to the choir1 to the choir4' ,some of you run half-way up the steps1 then come down again as if you had changed your minds1 and rush right across the other side4 ,you are confused1 and don't know what to do4 ,you1 ,mr4 ,bishop1 shout out in your tremendous voice1 ',to the crypt4' ,this movement is rehearsed some twenty times before it satisfies ,mr4 ,irving4 ,at last1 the monks disappear1 and ,becket is left to confront his murderers4 ,i stand here in the transept1 and ,fitzurse rushes up to me4 ,what's he say8 ,oh1 ',i will not only touch but drag thee hence4' ,then ,i say1 ',thou art my man1 thou art my vassal4 ,away1' and push him off4 ,fitzurse falls1 and ,mr4 ,irving stops reading from the part4 ,no1 ,fitzurse1 you take hold of me1 and ,i fling you off violently4 ,you must remember that ,i am supposed to be a strong man--a man who has been a soldier4 ,like this1 and ,mr4 ,irving falls on the stage with an ease born of long practice4 ,you pick yourself up1 rush at me with drawn sword 7it's all one movement71 and shout1 ',i told thee that ,i should remember thee4' ,i say1 ',profligate1 pander4' ,you come on with1 ',do you hear that8 ,strike6 strike6' ,i cover my face4 ',i do commend my cause to ,god1' and you rush off1 drunk with blood1 half-horrified at what you've done1 and yet braving it out1 crying1 ',king's men6 ,king's men6' to support your ,dutch courage4 ,illustration3 ,,miss ,,genevieve ,,ward4 7,,eleanor7 ,the murderers go off1 and ,mr4 ,terriss and ,mr4 ,irving practise a series of different attitudes for the death scene until ,mr4 ,irving is finally satisfied4 ,he has taken off his coat in order to better rehearse the murder scene4 ,mr4 ,terriss now helps him on with it again1 the monks are recalled1 and some dozen more painstaking attempts made to get everything right4 ,it's very simple1 gentlemen1 ,mr4 ,irving assures the monks4 ,very simple1 when you've once caught the spirit of it4 ,this rehearsal has lasted for nearly three hours1 during the whole of which time ,mr4 ,irving has superintended everything1 thrown himself into each man's part1 grouped everyone1 created the action1 devised suggestions for scenery1 as if regardless of the fact that in the evening he will have to undergo the awful stress and strain of ,king ,lear4 ,any other man1 with a less intense vitality1 would simply collapse under all this pressure4 ,mr4 ,irving puts up his eyeglass1 takes a last look at the stage1 and walks buoyantly off as if the whole thing were mere child's play4 ,but where is ,miss ,ellen ,terry8 ,the question answers itself as soon as asked1 for a gliding1 graceful feminine presence appears on the stage4 ,miss ,ellen ,terry is attired in black1 with a white fichu at her breast to relieve the monotony of this sombre garb4 ,in her hand she carries a little black basket1 and there is a glimmer of steel at her side as if she wore a reticule containing the hundred-and-one trifles which ladies like to carry about with them4 ,so much has been written and said about ,miss ,terry that it would seem at first sight utterly impossible to say anything new4 ,in five minutes1 the difficulty is to say enough4 ,the supreme unconsciousness of ,art1 or ,nature1 enables her to assume a hundred changing attitudes2 her voice is heard without effort from one end of the theatre to the other2 she possesses the most exquisite tact4 ,watch the skill1 for instance1 with which she induces some young actor to realise the true meaning of a passage in the play4 ,she seems to be thinking it out to herself as if a new idea had been presented to her4 ,yes1 she says1 musingly1 ,i wonder if that is what ,tennyson meant8 ,or1 ,wait a minute1 she adds brightly1 ,how would this do8 ,then she repeats the passage with the right emphasis1 action1 and intonation1 giving the meaning clearly and fully4 ,don't you think that must be what is meant8 she asks questioningly4 ,hum-m1 says the actor1 looking at the lines4 ,ah1 very likely4 ,perhaps it is4 ,it is agreed that it shall be spoken that way1 and the actor gives a delicate and truthful reading of the part1 which will procure him a pat on the back from the critics when the play is produced4 ,in the presence of her intuitive perception1 the members of the caste instinctively become energetic and animated4 ,at one moment she bends over to ,mr4 ,meredith ,ball in the orchestra1 her long black skirt sweeping the stage in graceful folds2 at another moves up to test a portion of the scenery and confer with ,mr4 ,irving1 or1 with chair lightly dragging after1 walks towards the wings1 sits down1 and rapidly cons her part4 ,three minutes after1 she has crossed the stage1 and is writing a letter4 ,before the letter is finished1 something else claims her attention4 ,then she comes back1 finishes it1 and is consulted by ,mr4 ,irving and ,mr4 ,terriss as to how he 7,mr4 ,terriss7 is to jump over a table without forfeiting his kingly dignity4 ,mr4 ,terriss has already vaulted over the table some eight times with the agility of a deer1 but ,mr4 ,irving wants it done differently4 ,i think you'd better1 he says1 have something on the table1 and pick it up before you go over4 ,if you do it this way1 it looks rather like ,lillie ,bridge1 you know4 ,miss ,ellen ,terry reflects a moment1 then asks1 in mirthful tones1 suiting the action to the word1 ,what is that jump that makes you go sideways as you fly over hurdles8 ,mr4 ,terriss1 like ,mr4 ,winkle's horse1 goes sideways4 ,this method1 however1 still lacks dignity1 and at last it is decided that he shall place both hands on the table1 spring over1 and so lightly up the steps and exit4 ,half-way up the steps he is recalled by ,mr4 ,irving's warning voice1 ,don't go up there2 it isn't safe yet4 ,illustration3 ,,miss ,,ellen ,,terry4 ,illustration3 ,,mr4 ,,hawes ,,craven ,,at ,,work ,,on ,a ,,cloth4 ,there is one gentleman who plays a very important part in the proceedings1 yet never appears on the ,lyceum stage in public1 and that is ,mr4 ,hawes ,craven1 the scenic artist4 ,frequenters of the theatre have for many years past been familiar with ,mr4 ,craven's beautiful scenery1 but very few of them know the manner of place where it is produced4 ,down many deep steps beneath the stage is a winding passage leading past the unornamental bases of what appear to be huge balks of timber1 rising up into space4 ,these timbers are interspersed with rubber pipes for lighting purposes4 ,leaning against the wall is a dilapidated structure1 very much like a huge ,robinson ,crusoe umbrella out of repair1 which1 on closer inspection1 proves to be the hovel used in ,king ,lear4 ,close to it is affixed a placard giving directions how to manipulate the celebrated ,lyceum thunder4 ,a little beyond is a narrow flight of stone steps leading to ,mr4 ,craven's painting room1 which is fifty feet long and about thirty feet wide4 ,it is lit by a skylight extending the full width of the roof4 ,on each side of it are stretched huge canvasses1 eighteen feet high and forty-seven feet long4 ,these canvasses are extended on frames1 which can be raised or lowered by means of a winch to suit ,mr4 ,craven's convenience4 ,some idea of the expensiveness of the materials for stage scenery may be gathered from the fact that the canvas alone costs a shilling a yard1 with an additional charge of one penny for sewing4 ,it takes ,mr4 ,craven and his two assistants four hours to prime one cloth ready for painting4 ,in times of emergency1 he often works fourteen hours at a stretch4 ,the floor of the room is bespattered thickly with paint3 ,mr4 ,craven's clothes are all the hues of the rainbow2 so are those of his assistants1 one of them unconsciously having decorated himself with a blue nose4 ,the centre of the room is occupied by huge tables1 on which stand earthen pots containing paint by the half-gallon1 and brushes of all shapes and sizes4 ,indeed1 some of the brushes will hold two pounds weight of paint at a single dip1 and ,mr4 ,craven's implement for sketching in outlines is a thick stick of charcoal fastened on a long pole4 ,the artist's method of painting is to walk to the centre tables1 take a huge dip of paint1 and speed back again to his canvas1 which represents a huge ash tree4 ,mr4 ,craven1 besides sporting as much woad on his person as an ancient ,briton1 wears a white handkerchief round his brows4 ,when he is very much pressed for time1 he exchanges this handkerchief for a red one1 and the joke goes round that this means blood4 ,as it is impossible to carry heavy pots of paint about all day1 ,mr4 ,craven really performs a kind of sentry-go1 painting as he goes4 ,one curious fact is that his colours dry very quickly about two shades lighter than when they are wet4 ,after ,mr4 ,craven has covered a certain amount of space1 he motions to the boy at the winch1 and the whole vast canvas moves slowly up some two or three feet4 ,mr4 ,craven1 in addition to his artistic knowledge1 is a perfect ambulatory encyclopaedia1 his work requiring an intimate acquaintance with architecture1 botany1 history4 ,he is1 above all things1 an artist1 with an intimate knowledge of the shapes1 the hues1 the seasons of flowers1 the colours and habits of birds1 the tints of leaves1 their varied forms1 and the other thousand and one things which he is called upon to depict at a moment's notice4 ,the rapidity with which he works is simply marvellous4 ,so sorry ,i can't talk much1 he says2 but ,i had fourteen hours of it yesterday1 and my feet are beginning to give out4 ,you ought to join the eight hours' movement1 ,mr4 ,craven4 ,mr4 ,craven makes a semi-circular sweep with a huge brush1 the point of which lights on a pendulous ash bough4 ,eight hours6 he echoes with genial scorn4 ,why1 if ,i did1 my profession would 7dab6 dab6 dab67 cease 7dab6 dab6 dab67 to 7dab67 exist for me2 and the naked bough is clad in graceful foliage with magical rapidity4 ,illustration3 ,,miss ,,terry ,,and ,,mr4 ,,terriss ,,run ,,through ,,their ,,scene4 ,one evening1 it is announced that for a couple of days ,mr4 ,irving will not play4 ,before he has fully recovered1 however1 he comes down to rehearsal with ,mr4 ,loveday1 who is1 happily1 convalescent4 ,miss ,terry and ,mr4 ,terriss spare him all they can1 the latter's ,jove-like voice thundering over the stage when ,mr4 ,irving wishes to convey commands to distant groups4 ,but it is evident that ,mr4 ,irving will not be restrained4 ,after the rehearsal begins1 the force of habit causes him to be here1 there1 and everywhere with unabated energy1 as the grouping in the third scene of the first act is very difficult4 ,the following rough diagram will give some idea of the stage3 ,illustration ,this scene is laid in ,northampton ,castle4 ,some fifty people are on the stage1 bishops1 ,templars1 knights1 and ,john of ,oxford1 ,president of the ,council4 ,mr4 ,irving runs his eye over the different groups4 ,put one man on the steps4 ,now1 a group by the throne4 ,the barons sit round the table1 and the rest of you occupy the benches4 ,as the groups arrange themselves in obedience to ,mr4 ,irving's directions1 his somewhat elderly fox-terrier moves slowly on1 and superciliously surveys the general effect4 ,as the barons give vent to angry murmurs1 the dog howls4 ,sometimes1 when ,mr4 ,irving walks up the steps after bidding defiance to the barons1 the dog follows stiffly after him to lend the weight of his moral support4 ,satisfied that all is well1 the dog returns to ,miss ,terry1 and goes to sleep on her dress4 ,now and then he wakes up1 stretches himself1 and evinces the most profound contempt for ,john of ,oxford's speech by yawning in the orator's face4 ,seeing1 at last1 that the rehearsal will be longer than usual1 he resigns himself to the inevitable1 and goes to sleep again4 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,fight ,,at ,,northampton4 ,after ,mr4 ,irving has grouped the men on the benches1 he steps back and looks at the table4 ,we ought to have on it some kind of mace or crosier1 he says--a large crosier4 ,now for the 'make up4' ,all the barons and everyone who has a moustache must wear a small beard4 ,all the gentlemen who have no beards remain unshaven4 ,all the priests and bishops are unshaven4 ,the mob can have slight beards1 but this is unimportant4 ,now1 take off your hats1 gentlemen1 please4 ,some of you must be old1 some young4 ,hair very short2 and he passes from group to group selecting the different people4 ,now1 ,i think1 that is all understood pretty well4 ,where are the sketches for dresses8 ,the sketches are brought1 and he goes carefully through them4 ,miss ,terry and ,mr4 ,terriss also look over the big white sheets of paper4 ,the fox-terrier strolls up to the group1 gives a glance at them1 and walks back again to ,miss ,terry's chair with a slightly cynical look4 ,then ,mr4 ,irving returns to the groups by the benches4 ,remember1 gentlemen1 you must be arguing here1 laying down the law in this way1 suiting the action to the word4 ,just arrange who is to argue4 ,don't do it promiscuously1 but three or four of you together4 ,try to put a little action into it4 ,i want you to show your arms1 and not to keep them glued to your sides like trussed fowls4 ,no2 that isn't half enough action4 ,don't be frightened4 ,better make too much noise rather than too little1 but don't stop too suddenly4 ,start arguing when ,i ring the first bell4 ,as ,i ring the second bell1 you see me enter1 and stop4 ,the dog stands one bell1 but the second annoys him1 and he disappears from the stage altogether1 until the people on the benches have finished their discussion4 ,mr4 ,irving next tries the three-cornered stools which are placed around the table1 but prefers square ones4 ,the dog returns1 walks over to the orchestra1 looks vainly for a rat1 and retreats under the table in the centre of the stage as if things were getting really too much for him4 ,but his resting place is ill-chosen1 for presently half-a-dozen angry lords jump on the table1 and he is driven forth once more4 ,after a stormy scene with the lords1 ,mr4 ,irving walks up the steps again4 ,when ,i say ',i depart1' you must let me get up the steps4 ,all this time your pent-up anger is waiting to burst out suddenly4 ,don't go to sleep over it4 ,he looks at the table in the centre of the stage1 and turns to a carpenter4 ,this table will never do4 ,it has to be jumped on by so many people that it must be very strong4 ,they follow me4 7,to ,miss ,terry7 ,they'd better catch hold of me1 up the steps here4 ,miss ,terry3 ,they must do something4 ,they can't stand holding you like that4 ,mr4 ,irving3 ,no4 ,the door opens suddenly at top of steps1 and discovers the crowd1 who shout1 ,blessed is he that cometh in the name of the ,lord4 ,the doors open and the crowd shout1 but the effect is not good4 ,miss ,terry3 ,it would be better if it were done at the foot of the steps4 ,the people needn't show their faces as they do it1 and the effect will be so much better4 ,the effect is tried1 and found to answer admirably4 ,then the carpenters carry away the scenery1 and the stage is set roughly for the ,bower scene in the second act4 ,mr4 ,terriss fetches a screen from the left1 and places it behind ,miss ,terry's chair2 ,mr4 ,irving sits facing ,miss ,terry1 backed by another screen to keep off draughts2 ,mr4 ,terriss sits a little way back1 and the dog goes to sleep in the centre of the group4 ,in the background appear three or four costumed specimen monks and retainers waiting to be inspected1 one frivolous being trying to balance a yard measure on the tip of his nose in a manner which ill accords with his monkish vestments4 ,the music cues are very difficult to get right4 ,nearly an hour is consumed in trying different effects4 ,miss ,terry insists that the whole scene entirely depends upon the action1 and that the music must be subordinated to it4 ,when the music drowns her voice1 she suddenly stops with a despairing gesture1 ,we couldn't speak through this any more than the dead4 ,can't it begin loudly1 ,mr4 ,ball1 then die away8 ,then she turns to ,miss ,kate ,phillips1 who is her maid in the play4 ,please try your song at the back there1 ,miss ,phillips4 ,illustration3 ,,mr4 ,,irving ,,considering ,,the ,,incidental ,,music4 ,miss ,phillips sings a very pretty but sad little song1 and ,miss ,terry listens attentively4 ,it's an ,irish wail1 says ,mr4 ,irving4 ,you don't want an ,irish wail here1 but a merry song4 ,you should have a mirthful1 running accompaniment1 and the song is changed4 ,that is enough for to-day4 ,the dog thinks so too4 ,the ,irish wail has been the last straw4 ,he precedes everyone towards the wings with joyous barks which quite belie his air of long-suffering cynicism4 ,it is lunch time4 ,at the first full-dress rehearsal1 the ,lyceum stage resembles a bee-hive with its swarms of busy occupants4 ,huge pieces of scenery move about1 propelled by perspiring carpenters in shirt-sleeves2 whole skies suddenly float up into the flies2 the prompter converses amicably with a mail-clad baron2 then1 more scenery glides majestically down from the roof or springs up suddenly through the stage1 which is literally full of traps for the unwary4 ,the tum-tum-tum of the fiddles in the orchestra sounds weirdly as the composer of the incidental music1 ,professor ,stanford ,villiers1 leans over from the stalls and chats with ,mr4 ,meredith ,ball1 or makes a mysterious statement to him that the staccato should be a little more staccato4 ,presently1 ,professor ,villiers remarks to the orchestra1 ,instead of playing two short quavers1 please play the crotchet in three time4 ,the orchestra respond vigorously1 but are stopped with a further request to play the first chord in the second bar as a dotted minim instead of a quaver1 and the ,professor wanders about all over the house testing the effect of every note4 ,the prologue goes off as smoothly as if it had been played for a hundred nights4 ,miss ,terry1 clad in ,rosamond's magnificent robes1 sits in the stalls and watches the effect of the lights upon each group4 ,sometimes a light is too blue1 or too yellow1 or too white1 and in the first act the rehearsal is stopped several times on this account4 ,when ,miss ,terry is on the stage1 ,mr4 ,irving watches the lights2 when ,mr4 ,irving is acting1 she studies each flash4 ,on the whole1 there are wonderfully few details which require modification4 ,in the ,bower scene1 the light is at first too yellow1 and has to be altered4 ,practical experience proves that the bank up which the lovers go is too slippery4 ,a portion of it is cut away1 thus avoiding the probability of an awkward accident4 ,miss ,ward trips on the hem of her regal robe1 and requests the costumier to take it up a little4 ,mr4 ,irving1 with unfailing memory1 notices that some spearmen are without their spears4 ,but there is little to alter2 at the second full-dress rehearsal there will be less2 and on the evening of the first performance everything and everybody will have settled down into the right place4 ,mr4 ,hawes ,craven comes on once or twice to look at his handiwork1 and see that it has been properly set4 ,then he walks away with a brisk step to his well-earned rest4 ,apart from the interest of the ,bower scene1 it is delightful to watch ,miss ,terry and ,master ,byrne1 who plays ,geoffrey4 ,when he comes on a little before he is wanted1 ,miss ,terry throws her arms round him and kisses the pretty little fellow tenderly with1 ,there1 run away for a moment1 darling2 we're not quite ready for you4 ,it is this sweet and all-pervading womanliness of ,miss ,terry's which fascinates the onlooker4 ,suddenly1 from some dark recess1 her voice floats out with an eminently practical suggestion1 a shrewd idea as to effect1 some playful query4 ,it comes from every quarter of the theatre1 and is marvellously thrilling1 with all the subtle fascination of what a poet-musician would call its tone-colour4 ,when the curtain draws up for the ,bower scene1 and she playfully chides her royal lover1 it is more exquisite still4 ,the solitary observer sits and listens to it1 the sole representative from the outer world4 ,all this gorgeous pageantry is for him alone2 all this wealth of emotion1 this story of love and murder1 this work of the great poet now passed away--all this is poured into the ears of one man1 who sits motionless1 entranced1 until the tale is told1 the play done1 and he walks out into the quiet night1 quivering with the terrible pathos of ,becket's end4 ,illustration3 ,,someone ,,touched ,,me ,,on ,,the ,,arm4 ,a ,blessing ,disguised4 ,,by ,f4 ,w4 ,,robinson4 ,,illustrated ,,by ,a4 ,,birkenrauth ,,and ,,st4 ,m4 ,,fitzgerald4 ----- ,when ,i came home from my fortnight's holiday1 amongst ,tom ,brisket's cows1 in ,huntingdonshire--once a year1 for just fourteen days1 do ,i unbend from the cares of business and seek relaxation far away from ,bermondsey--and let myself in1 with my patent latchkey1 and walked with my usual confidence into my front parlour1 you might have knocked me down with a feather4 ,any feather would have done it--a butterfly's1 say--,i was thrown so completely off my guard4 ,i had been so confident4 ,i was not in any way prepared for it4 ,illustration3 ,,my ,,housekeeper4 ,the house was desolate enough1 but that was not it4 ,mrs4 ,kibbey had failed to put in an appearance at the end of her holiday1 although ,i had wired to her only yesterday that ,i should be home at precisely #h4ae p4m42 but it was not the unlooked for absence of ,mrs4 ,kibbey--my housekeeper--that upset me thoroughly1 oh1 no4 ,the gas was not lighted1 and the supper was not likely to come off in the absence of ,kibbey1 certainly1 but these were only minor features of a colossal surprise--bagatelles1 or anything you may like to call them4 ,golden ,birch ,villa1 ,streatham1 ,s4,e41 was simply chaos--that is the mildest and easiest way of explaining the matter to begin with4 ,one word suffices--,chaos4 ,it will take a great many words to explain why my little suburban retreat1 on which ,i had prided myself for so many years of my bachelor life1 was a mass of conglomerated wreckage4 ,i will be as brief as ,i can4 ,i am not a prolix man2 ,i know the value of time1 and of other people's time4 ,i should not have had a flourishing business in ,bermondsey1 if ,i didn't know4 ,golden ,birch ,villa1 ,streatham1 then1 had been burgled4 ,broken into1 despoiled and defaced1 was my little country retreat from the turmoil of town1 and it was this which had confronted me after fourteen days of pastoral simplicity1 during which ,i had got very sick of ,tom ,brisket1 and ,tom's wife1 and ,tom's cows1 and ,tom's children--especially his children--which palled upon one badly and became unbearable1 and beastly personal4 ,the country soon tells upon me1 and ,i am not fond of children--yet a while--because--but this is mere babbling of green fields and babies4 ,in describing my return to ,golden ,birch ,villa that evening1 ,i still feel a confusion in the brain which whirls and whirls gently round with me4 ,it was the greatest surprise of my life1 the first chapter in a series of surprises1 the reader will say presently4 ,i shall leave the story in his hands1 and a remarkable story it is1 take it altogether4 ,it illustrates clearly the old axiom1 that one never knows what is for the best1 and that to be robbed--cleaned out--and one's premises generally done for1 should turn out to be a blessing in disguise1 will not be very clearly apparent to the reader until ,i have explained the whole affair and he has heard my story to the end4 ,illustration3 ,,tom',s ,,children4 ,at the precise moment of which ,i write now--#h4ae--;,i felt as if utter ruin had overtaken me1 as if there were no getting over this gigantic trouble--this shock1 as it were1 of a moral earthquake4 ,the usual kind of earthquake would have been very much the same kind of article1 things a little more askew1 perhaps1 but not half so messy4 ,i staggered into an easy chair--after lighting one of my gas-burners--and took a survey of the situation1 with my mouth open1 my chin on my chest1 my knees knocking gently together1 and my hair slowly rising upon my head4 ,all the doors had been locked before the departure of ,mrs4 ,kibbey--my housekeeper--and myself on our separate ways of recreation1 and all the doors were now wrenched open1 and the locks hanging1 as it were1 by bits of skin6 ,everything in the room of any real value had vanished like a beautiful dream1 and everything of no value to anyone but the owner had been tilted into the middle of the room for the convenience of a hasty analysis before departure4 ,the contents of two desks1 of my carved oak sideboard 7late the property of a gentleman71 of my bookcase 7to make sure that nothing had been stowed away behind the books71 of all the drawers in all the tables1 were in one large heap upon the carpet2 bills1 letters1 tablecloths1 tablecovers1 dinner knives1 decanters1 chimney ornaments1 books1 purses1 lead pencils1 corkscrews1 my silver-mounted flute1 with all the mounts gone1 and the cruets minus their silver tops4 ,also all the silver spoons1 the electros being turned out upon the heap as non-negotiables4 ,the piano had been split open and gutted--it was an unredeemed ,grand--the burglar or burglars having been seized with the suspicion that ,i had secreted articles of value in the body of the instrument4 ,and so ,i had6 one valuable in particular being a favourite hand or carriage-clock mosaic1 and a mass of miniature dials1 gold-mounted1 the dials at one time having been capable of giving all kinds of unnecessary information1 before the death of the manufacturer1 who departed this life leaving no one skilled enough in the world to undertake the repairs2 but it was a great curiosity1 and ,i set great store by it4 ,so did the burglars1 for they had found it and carried it away1 along with a large quantity of portable property too numerous to mention in the pages of this magazine without changing their appearance to a kind of ,catalogue of ,sale4 ,illustration3 ,i ,,staggered ,,to ,,an ,,easy ,,chair4 ,yes--,i was robbed4 ,and ,i had been so very sure that to leave the premises to take care of themselves was so exceedingly wise an expedient4 ,cocksure ,kippen had been my nickname in ,bermondsey since ,i had been in the pawnbrokering1 just because ,i had opinions of my own1 and did not call on other people to let me know their views of a question upon which ,i had made up my mind4 ,what did ,i want with other people's opinions1 when ,i knew my own were ever so much better8 ,but ,i was a little crestfallen on the present occasion--,i will say that4 ,and it was my own fault for going down to ,tom's--,i will say that too4 ,what did ,i want with country air8 ,i had not been ailing anything4 ,i had always considered a fortnight in ,tom ,brisket's company a frightful waste of time4 ,i was never without an excellent appetite1 and ,i measured forty-one inches round the chest1 one inch for every year of my life1 ,i had said jocosely1 only yesterday1 before ,i returned to town1 but there was no jocosity in me when ,i was at home again--if this bear-garden could be called home1 that is1 or made to look like home ever any more6 ,illustration3 ',,it ,,was ,a ,,clean ,,job1' ,,the ,,policeman ,,said4 ,it was a clean job1 the policeman said--quite admiringly--when ,i had strength to reach the front door and call him in4 ,why had ,i not gone round to the station-house1 the policeman asked1 and told the ,inspector ,i was off for a holiday1 as other people generally did8 ,oh1 yes1 that was very likely6 ,why had not ,i insured in a ,burglary ,company8 ,oh1 yes--and let no end of people know that there was a furnished house at ,streatham with nobody inside of it for a fortnight4 ,did ,i think ,i could trust my housekeeper8 ,trust ,martha ,kibbey1 who was my father's housekeeper before me--dear1 deaf1 old1 palsy-stricken ,kibbey1 with a sister in the ,cookshops ,almshouses1 ,caterham1 and with whom she spent her holiday invariably4 ,kibbey1 whom the policeman and ,i found upstairs in a fit1 in her own bedroom1 having it all to herself1 like a quiet1 unobtrusive old soul as she always was4 ,she had come into the house in good time1 and realising the position1 had rushed upstairs to her room1 first of all1 to see what had been taken of those worldly goods of her own1 in which she was more naturally interested than anybody else4 ,and when she discovered that her chest of drawers had been opened with an indifferent chisel1 and that a silver watch of her grandfather's--weighing one pound and a quarter--had disappeared1 along with an apple-scoop1 also of precious metal1 belonging to her late husband1 who was gummy1 ,mrs4 ,kibbey became a physical wreck1 fit for nothing1 and comprehending next to nothing4 ,when she understood that ,i was in the house--safe and sound--she went into hysterics of thankfulness of so violent a description that ,i had to leave her with police-constable #ijf1 and run across the road for the doctor4 ,the police made a great fuss over the robbery4 ,the ,inspector called later on and entered all the particulars in a notebook1 and looked at the broken doors and the hole in the breakfast parlour shutters1 through which admittance had been obtained1 and the general turn-out of everything in the middle of each room1 and then adding his testimony to the neatness of the job1 took his departure1 promising to let me know when anything turned up4 ,we shall want a complete list of the articles you miss1 so that we can send round to the pawnbrokers1 he had said before leaving me4 ,i'm a pawnbroker myself1 ,i replied4 ,ah6 then you'll get one4 ,thankee4 ,perhaps ,i shall get one of the thieves too4 ,well1 you'll know your own property1 ,i expect1 sir1 he said1 with a most unbecoming grin1 as he took himself off the premises4 ,i did not see him again4 ,i hope ,i never shall1 the unsympathetic beast4 ,time passed on and brought no tidings of the robbers or the stolen property4 ,i was very much distressed over the whole affair1 and my neighbours tried to comfort me by telling me that ,i could afford the loss1 and that it was a good job it had not happened to a poorer man4 ,how did they know ,i could afford the loss1 or that ,i was not utterly ruined8 ,i had never posed as a wealthy man--,i was not wealthy1 in the strict sense of the term4 ,i had been only careful1 ,i had spent nothing in waste1 and ,i had put by a little money for a rainy day4 ,if people in ,bermondsey called me a money-grubber1 it was no fault of my own2 but there were a few who did1 because ,i held to the strict letter of the law in my contracts4 ,that was praiseworthy1 but they could not see it4 ,i believe a few of them were actually glad that ,i had been robbed4 ,illustration3 ,,he ,,was ,,very ,,lame4 ,some six months after the burglary1 in the dusk of an early winter's afternoon1 a tall1 sunken-cheeked man1 with a huge white moustache and a vermilion face1 which seemed put on expressly to show it up by1 came limping into my shop at ,bermondsey4 ,he was very lame1 or pretended to be1 ,i thought1 to throw me off my guard4 ,as if ,i1 ,edwin ,kippen1 was likely to be off guard in business hours1 as if it were possible to be off one's guard and get one's living1 ,bermondsey way4 ,i told my apprentice1 who was behind the counter polishing up a few window goods for next ,saturday1 to light up1 though there was quite half-an-hour's daylight left in the street4 ,but1 somehow--such is instinct--,i did not like the get-up of this man4 ,i had never seen him before2 he did not look made in ,bermondsey1 and he was seedy1 and a little nervous1 though he talked in strident tones1 in a ,sir ,anthony ,absolute kind of manner1 which made the gas glasses jingle4 ,do you buy articles outright1 ,mr4 ,kippen1 as well as lend money on them8 he asked abruptly as he entered4 ,yes1 sir1 ,i do4 ,and at a fair price8 ,certainly4 ,may ,i ask what---- ,but he was an impetuous man1 and so full of his own mission1 that he did not wait for me to conclude my inquiry4 ,illustration3 ,,my ,,apprentice4 ,then what will you give me for this article1 money down8 he asked1 producing from his pocket1 to my complete astonishment1 the identical little carriage clock1 all dials and complications and internal irregularities1 which ,i had hidden in my piano before going down to ,brisket's farm--the clock that had been stolen from my ,streatham villa4 ,the same feeling came over me which ,i had had in that residence on the night of my return4 ,i was swimmy for a moment1 and saw stars1 and then thought that a thick fog had broken out in ,bermondsey4 ,i recovered myself by a mighty effort of will4 ,here was to be a battle of the wits4 ,here was one item of my lost property within a hand's grasp of me4 ,i couldn't keep that hand from trembling as ,i took the clock from him4 ,don't shake it up like a bottle of medicine1 said the old gentleman1 irritably2 it's a delicate piece of workmanship1 and won't stand bobbing up and down like that2 it upsets the mechanism1 and it isn't easily set right4 ,is it in working order1 then8 ,i inquired1 with suppressed amazement4 ,yes1 of course it is4 ,good gracious6 is it though8 ,i said1 nearly dropping it in my surprise4 ,it tells the days of the month1 the dates of the month1 he went on1 the phases of the moon1 the month of the year1 the year of the century1 the variations in the weather2 it chimes the quarters1 halves1 and three-quarters2 it plays a waltz after it strikes the hour2 it acts as a revolver--,i mean as a repeater--and it is mounted in solid gold of #bj carat1 almost pure gold4 ,a timepiece fit for a prince1 and belonged originally to ,louis ,seize4 ,what is it worth to you1 money down--on the nail--as you tradesmen say8 ,i shall want a little time to consider the matter4 ,take your own time1 sir1 only1 for ,god's sake1 look sharp1 said the old man irreverently1 as he removed his hat and wiped his forehead with a big1 old-fashioned silk bandanna4 ,a clock of this description cannot be reckoned up in a hurry1 ,i said4 ,i haven't examined the works yet4 ,you'll find them perfect1 wonderfully perfect4 ,but don't breathe into them if you can help it4 ,it affects the waltz movement particularly4 ,illustration3 ,a ,,timepiece ,,fit ,,for ,a ,,prince4 ,oh1 does it1 indeed8 ,i said1 ironically4 ,i professed to be examining the works with the closest attention1 but ,i was only resolving on my plan of future action4 ,i was playing with my prey--an angler with his catch1 a cat with a mouse4 ,this was the man who had broken into ,golden ,birch ,villa1 and walked off with the pick of the property4 ,an ingenious burglar1 who was an expert in clocks1 and--,i smiled grimly at the joke--who had actually put the article into my own hands again in perfect order4 ,i could have imagined that it was a duplicate copy of mine1 and in better condition altogether1 had it not been for my private mark1 which ,i was focussing now through a single-barrelled magnifier4 ,i could talk to the man better in this fashion2 had ,i looked him straight in his brazen chaps1 my virtuous indignation would have betrayed me4 ,and my policy was to dissemble1 like the man in a melodrama4 ,you have had this a long time in the family1 ,i suppose8 ,i said quietly--very quietly--but tentatively4 ,it's not new4 ,any fool can see that it is a ,louis ,seize clock1 and of considerable value4 ,it's a valuable thing in its way1 no doubt1 but it would suit a ,west ,end house better than my establishment4 ,i know that1 sir1 as well as you do1 was the testy reply1 but ,i haven't got the time to run to the other side of the water1 and ,i want money in a hurry--in a great hurry1 or ,i should not have come to you1 he added bluntly4 ,are you living in this neighbourhood8 ,what business is that of yours8 he cried4 ,what--yes1 ,i do live in the neighbourhood--round the corner in ,tan ,yard ,road--if you want to know4 ,no4 #bci is my address1 if it is likely to do you any good1 and my name is ,youson4 ,i see you have your doubts as to my rightful possession of the article2 pawnbrokers are all alike1 have exactly the same tricks of the trade4 ,i know their ways1 no one better1 and ,i know what you are going to say to me next4 ,i really do not think that is possible4 ,you'll tell me it is unsaleable--that not one in ten thousand would think of buying such a thing--that at the price of the metal it will be worth to you--well1 what the devil is it worth8 ,you have been staring at it long enough to know now4 ,i am sorry you are in such a tremendous hurry1 ,i said1 nettled a little by his unceremonious deportment4 ,i am in a hurry4 ,it is a question of life and death to me that ,i should have that money quickly1 don't you see8 ,no--you don't see--how can you see--how can you know anything about me1 save that ,i want money8 ,you see that fast enough4 ,well1 sir1 you are welcome to your knowledge1 he went on excitedly1 and ,i am not clever enough to disguise it1 though ,i know you'll take advantage of my extremity--a man of business1 and in your line of business1 is sure to do that4 ,but give me a fair price4 ,i--,i--don't want the money for myself1 ,i don't want a penny of it--shan't take a penny of it1 by ,god6 ,this was an odd way of trying to get rid of stolen goods1 but it was ingenious1 and there was a refreshing novelty in the style of it4 ,but ,i was not the man to be done4 ,i flattered myself that ,i was as shrewd as this artful and red-faced old fox1 and that ,i held the trump card in my hand to play at any moment4 ,i have a friend only a few doors off who will know the value of this article far better than ,i1 ,i said2 he is a collector of--of clocks1 and will give you a better price than ,i can afford4 ,this is not in my line at all2 ,i should never get a bid for it4 ,ten pounds would be too much for me to pay1 or even to lend upon it4 ,it's worth a hundred pounds1 you know that well enough4 ,i should not like to say what it is actually worth4 ,i don't buy things like these without ,bender's opinion2 he's a sleeping partner of mine1 and only just round the corner4 ,ah1 is he8 ,heaven forgive me these dreadful lies1 ,i whispered softly to myself4 ,let us go to him1 he said1 snatching the clock suddenly from my hands4 ,and ,i had never intended to let the property get out of my possession again6 ,this man was adroit2 he might be one too many for me after all1 if ,i betrayed the slightest doubt of him1 or made anything like a scene4 ,he was fidgeting with something in the right pocket of his snuffy1 old greatcoat too--perhaps there was a pistol there--,i was almost sure there was a pistol6 ,yes1 let us go to him1 ,mr4 ,youson1 ,i said4 ,i'm sure he or ,i will make you a handsome offer2 he's just the fellow to put down his hundreds4 ,isaac1 get me my hat--any hat or cap1 anything you can find--only look alive4 ,i am going round to ,mr4 ,bender's with this gentleman4 ,where's ,ben---- began that stupid ass of a boy1 but ,i checked him with a malevolent and meaning glance1 and the youth1 looking frightened1 dived into the back parlour in search of my head-gear4 ,he came out with a straw hat1 with a ticket on it1 but ,i did not notice anything in my excitement4 ,i pined to be in the open with this miscreant1 who had put the clock into his pocket4 ,with a policeman in view1 on the far horizon at the end of the street1 my happiest hour would have arrived4 ,illustration3 ,,people ,,were ,,streaming ,,home ,,from ,,work4 ,we sallied forth together1 ,i keeping very close to him1 lest he should grow suspicious and make up his mind to run4 ,every minute did ,i expect that he would plunge into the middle of the road and tear madly down the street4 ,and it was a trouble to keep by the side of him2 the people were streaming home from work1 were out marketing1 looking for something cheap for tea or supper to be bought off the barrows which were flanking the kerbstones4 ,side by side1 we got jostled occasionally1 the pavement being narrow and the people thickish1 and twice ,i caught surreptitiously at the hem of his garment when ,i thought that we were going to be separated4 ,and1 as usual1 there was not a policeman on the beat anywhere--no sign of official force--nothing but men and women1 boys and girls1 the boys terribly in the way1 and after the girls6 ,do you call this a few doors off8 said ,youson1 snappishly1 at last4 ,comparatively--oh1 yes4 ,it looks like half-a-mile1 he grumbled4 ,another minute or two1 ,mr4 ,youson4 ,i am sorry you are so pressed for time4 ,so am ,i4 ,not but what ,i have had about enough of your company1 with that ridiculous hat of yours over your eyes1 he added1 ungraciously4 ,i wish ,i had never come near your infernal shop4 ,you are about the slowest tradesman ,i have ever encountered4 ,it does not pay to be too fast in my line of business4 ,oh1 ,i don't blame you1 ,i don't blame you1 sir2 ,i only say ,i wish----what are you jumping at8 ,ain't you well8 ,are you subject to anything8 he asked4 ,spasms or twitches8 ,i had seen a policeman on the other side of the way1 standing under the shop-blind of a cheesemonger's shop1 talking to the young man with the apron who was in charge1 grinning from ear to ear with him1 and grossly neglecting his duty1 which was to keep a sharp look out at what was going on up and down the street4 ,where are you off to now8 asked ,mr4 ,youson4 ,bender's is over the way4 ,what1 the butterman's8 ,no1 no1 but just by there4 ,come along4 ,mind this horse and cart2 ,i should not like you to get run over with that in your pocket1 ,i said1 almost incoherently4 ,mr4 ,youson gave a short double-knock sort of a laugh4 ,what1 you are getting anxious about the clock1 after all8 ,i am indeed4 ,we had reached the other side of the way1 and the policeman had turned his back upon us--just like him6--and was staring straight into the shop4 ,there was a row of egg-boxes full of eggs of all sizes and prices and ages in front of the premises4 ,suddenly1 ,i sprang like a panther upon my prey1 flung my arms round ,youson's neck1 and yelled1 at the top of my lungs1 for ,help6 and for the ,police6 ,damn--confound it1 sir--what6--gurgled forth ,youson1 in his supreme astonishment2 then we both staggered1 our feet went from under us1 and1 locked in each other's arms1 we sat down1 all of a heap1 in the #bh a shilling1 not warranted1 compartment1 and a hideous crackling1 as of a subdued and squashy landslip1 went on beneath our writhing forms4 ,oh1 good ,lord6 exclaimed the young butterman1 throwing up both arms in his despair1 here's a go6 ,here--hullo--what the blazes are you two blokes hup to8 cried the policeman1 catching us both by the collars of our coats and shaking us2 this is a nice place to begin larking1 ,i must say4 ,it is not larking1 ,i exclaimed1 getting on my feet1 a hideous mass of egg-shells and indifferent egg-flip2 it's highway robbery6 ,this man is in possession of my property--proceeds of a burglary--,i'm ,kippen1 the pawnbroker1 ,no4 #cai2 he's got my clock in his pocket now4 ,i--,i give him in charge1 constable1 ,i give him in charge6 ,why don't you catch hold of him8 ,illustration3 ,,our ,,feet ,,went ,,from ,,under ,,us4 ,the man's mad6 ejaculated ,mr4 ,youson1 raving mad4 ,somebody catch hold of him4 ,there was a big crowd round us--it doesn't take long to get up a mob in ,bermondsey--and the proprietor of the cheesemonger's shop1 who had emerged from his caves of double ,gloucester1 was wanting to make a case of his own out of it all1 and run the two of us in4 ,the policeman was bewildered1 and ,mr4 ,youson was beside himself with ungovernable rage4 ,he has got the clock in his pocket1 ,i repeated4 ,yes1 ,i know ,i have a clock in my pocket1 he spluttered1 you--you rascal--you unmitigated---- ,it's my clock4 ,i can swear to it1 ,i yelled4 ,i've plenty of witnesses to prove it's mine4 ,you'd better both come round to the station-house1 said the policeman2 do you charge him with taking your clock1 sir8 he added to me4 ,i do4 ,very well4 ,we went off to the station-house1 ,mr4 ,youson and ,i1 the policeman and the cheesemonger1 and a grand procession in the rear of about fifteen hundred persons with nothing to do4 ,the cheesemonger and ,i conversed amicably en route1 when he had become thoroughly convinced that ,i was a brother tradesman1 resident at the far end of the street4 ,he understood the case then--he grasped the situation--but he could not for the life of him make out1 he said1 why we had sat down in the middle of his eggs to argue the point4 ,who was answerable for all the damage1 he should like to know8 ,i didn't know1 ,i told him1 and ,i was damaged materially so far as wearing apparel went1 ,i delicately intimated1 by the indifferent quality of his eggs4 ,that you cannot get reliable eggs for twenty-eight a shilling in the winter season1 in ,bermondsey1 is a miserable fact1 and discreditable to the reputation of ,french poultry4 ,i had never been in such a mess in my life1 but ,i was in a greater mess the next day4 ,it's a long story1 that of the examination at the police station1 and ,i will spare the reader the harassing details4 ,mr4 ,youson1 in his confusion1 made a very rambling statement of how he came into possession of the clock1 prejudiced the ,inspector against him1 and got himself locked up1 and ,i was told to call the next day at the ,police ,court in ,blackman ,street and explain matters1 and bring my witnesses4 ,i did so1 and brought a neighbour or two who had seen the clock upon my mantelpiece at ,streatham1 and ,i clinched the argument with ,mrs4 ,kibbey1 who shed copious tears during the evidence1 till the magistrate asked her sharply what she was snivelling at1 when she fainted dead away under the reproof1 and had to be carried from the witness-box into the fresh air to recover4 ,illustration3 ,,mrs4 ,,kibbey ,,shed ,,copious ,,tears4 ,it was a clear case1 however1 against ,mr4 ,youson1 everybody considered1 and he was remanded for a week1 without bail1 whilst enquiries as to his antecedents were to be vigorously made4 ,there was a very grave suspicion1 the ,inspector whispered confidentially into my ear1 along with some strong puffs of gin and peppermint which impregnated his breathing apparatus dreadfully1 that ,youson was one of a desperate gang of ,lambeth burglars1 for whom the police had been searching for some time4 ,there was a woman's scream in court when ,youson was remanded1 and the magistrate1 who was certainly in a bad temper that morning1 said that he would commit anybody for contempt who made such a noise as that again1 and then the next case was called1 and ,i was outside in ,blackman ,street1 ,borough4 ,i had1 with some difficulty and a little pleasure1 lodged the hysterical ,mrs4 ,kibbey in a ,streatham omnibus1 and was making my way thoughtfully down ,king ,street to my ,bermondsey premises1 when someone touched me on the arm4 ,i looked round1 and was considerably surprised to find a pale1 grave young woman of some thirty years of age1 poorly but neatly clad1 keeping step with me on the narrow pavement4 ,i beg pardon1 sir1 but you are ,mr4 ,kippen1 ,i think8 ,yes1 my name is ,kippen4 ,i wanted to speak to you4 ,i wanted so much to see you before this case came on4 ,my name is ,youson1 ,lucinda ,youson1 she said1 hurriedly4 ,god bless me1 is it though8 ,you are---- ,mr4 ,youson's daughter4 ,my good woman1 ,i hope you are not going to bother me1 ,i said1 imploringly2 the case is out of my hands4 ,i am bound over to prosecute4 ,it was a shameful robbery4 ,my father did not rob you1 ,mr4 ,kippen4 ,does he look like a thief8 ,i don't know what he looks like4 ,illustration3 ,,mr4 ,,youson',s ,,daughter4 ,you don't know the truth1 she said quickly4 ,perhaps you don't know what kindness is1 or charity--some people don't4 ,you would not wait for him to explain1 and you have nearly killed us with anxiety4 ,we--we did not know what had become of him4 ,killed us1 ,i repeated1 vacantly2 are there many of you8 ,my sister-in-law and her little boy1 and myself4 ,and the boy is dying--that's the worst of it--oh6 poor little chap1 that is the worst of it6 ,and his grandfather was so fond of him2 he was selling the clock so that the boy and his mother should go away to ,madeira1 the only chance to save him1 sir4 ,the only chance that was left4 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,boy ,,is ,,dying4 ,and so he thought he would sell something valuable that did not belong to him1 and go to ,madeira at my expense1 and---- ,you must not say my father stole it--you dare not6 she cried1 and her eyes literally flashed fire at me4 ,this young woman was as impulsive as her felonious father4 ,here was another scene likely to spring up in the street if ,i were not particularly careful1 and ,i had had enough of demonstrations in the public highway4 ,my good woman1 what is it that you want with me8 ,i want you to hear how that clock came into my father's possession1 and then--and then prosecute him if you can4 ,and at your peril1 sir--please to understand1 at your peril1 though ,i utter no threats4 ,it strikes me you do4 ,no--no--,i don't mean that1 she cried4 ,heaven help me1 ,i am almost distracted1 ,i am not myself to-day1 and you will listen8 ,it will not cost you anything to listen to me1 sir1 will it8 ,she laid her hand upon my arm entreatingly--she had very earnest brown eyes1 and ,i was not1 as ,i thought1 wholly unsusceptible to the influence of brown eyes upon the nervous system4 ,and as she had delicately intimated that listening would not cost me anything1 why should ,i object to listen to her8 ,we were both going the same way4 ,of course1 ,i should hear a good roundabout story--a second edition of her father's rigmarole which had prejudiced the magistrate against him--but ,i was not bound in any way to believe a word that she said4 ,it sounded uncommonly like truth though1 and took me very much aback when she said suddenly-- ,yes1 that clock was stolen from you4 ,we knew it was stolen--and who stole it4 ,but you just said---- ,that my father did not steal it4 ,god bless him1 no4 ,he did not know--did not dream that we knew--did not know anything about it in any way--does not to this day4 ,it was his property1 he thought--all that was left of any value in the world to him2 and it had belonged to his son--his eldest son1 my half-brother1 who---- ,who was the thief4 ,the infernal---- ,please don't1 sir4 ,he is dead4 ,oh6 ,i beg your pardon4 ,i didn't--know1 ,i found myself saying in an apologetic manner which really surprised myself4 ,yes1 sir1 he was the thief1 she said1 sinking her voice into a whisper almost4 ,he committed suicide two months ago abroad1 but we have kept the truth back from father4 ,he wasn't to know--it would have broken his heart1 he was so proud of his son1 always4 ,but before my half-brother died--he had gone to ,canada1 to make a home for ,kitty and her boy1 he said--he wrote to ,kitty that he was a repentant man1 and that1 unknown to any of us1 he had been for years in bad hands1 working with them1 stealing with them4 ,our poor father thought he was a traveller for a ,manchester firm1 and so did we1 until that terrible confession came across the sea to us4 ,we were not to tell father--we were to make all the restitution that we could presently2 he would send full instructions what we were to do by the next mail1 he wrote1 and the next mail only told us of his death4 ,illustration3 ,i ,,was ,,always ,,handy ,,with ,,my ,,fingers4 ,and your father8 ,kitty and ,i have fought hard to keep the truth from him--the truth would have broken his heart4 ,why the news of his son's death nearly did1 sir4 ,and he has had so much trouble--so many losses too--and we have been for the last six months so very hard driven to live4 ,of late days father wished to sell this clock1 but we would not let him--we were sure it had been stolen1 and we hoped to find the owner some day4 ,but not like this1 ,i suppose8 ,oh6 no1 not like this4 ,but when little ,willie got very ill2 when residence abroad for a few months might save him1 the doctor said--it was only yesterday he told us that--father took the clock out of the house unknown to us1 and--and came at once to you4 ,he is so very impetuous1 poor father4 ,ah6 is he8 ,and who put the clock in working order1 may ,i ask8 ,i did4 ,you6 ,i was brought up to the watch-making--,i am rather clever at it1 they say4 ,illustration3 ,,went ,,to ,,madeira ,,with ,,kitty ,,and ,,the ,,boy4 ,clever4 ,by ,george1 ,i should think you were6 ,why1 in a business like mine you would be invaluable4 ,i was always handy with my fingers4 ,so was your half-brother--it seems to run in the family4 ,oh6 ,i beg pardon1 ,i said1 for the second time4 ,i--,i did not mean to say that4 ,it slipped out promiscuously4 ,never mind1 sir--never mind1 she said hurriedly4 ,what are you going to do8 ,pray tell me what you think of doing when ,i prove the truth of this4 ,if it's all true--and ,i believe it is already1 ,miss ,youson--,i--,i am going to withdraw from the prosecution1 and ask your father to bring an action against me for illegal detention4 ,oh6 he would never think of such a thing4 ,and he never did4 ,the story was quite true1 every word of it1 and we arranged to keep it from the old man1 so far as the peculiar profession of his first-born was concerned4 ,he never knew that4 ,i got rather intimate with the ,youson family by degrees1 although our acquaintance had begun so inauspiciously4 ,rather intimate1 ,i say--well1 very intimate1 rather6 would be a clear expression1 if a trifle inelegant4 ,for ,i married that girl1 and pensioned off ,mrs4 ,kibbey1 and ,i never did such a fine stroke of business in all my life4 ,the old man--he was a fine old fellow1 too--went to ,madeira with ,kitty and the boy1 and ,i bore ,lucinda off to ,streatham4 ,she is one of the best of wives1 and so very handy in the business too--saves me a heap of money4 ,it was a lucky day for me when that rascal of a half-brother of hers broke burglariously into ,golden ,birch ,villa1 and took away everything that had an atom's worth of precious metal in its composition4 ,it was a blessing very much in disguise1 but it has answered its purpose thoroughly well4 ,i am as happy as the day is long--and so is ,lucinda4 ,everybody tells me that ,i secured a treasure when ,i took her for better1 for worse4 ,everybody but ,mrs4 ,kibbey--past housekeeper1 and living with her sister now in the ,cookshops ,almshouses at ,caterham--and she says ,i could have done much better for myself1 long before1 if ,i had only looked about me in a sensible and practical sort of way4 ,illustration3 ,,living ,,with ,,her ,,sister ,,now4 ,illustration3 ,,mr4 ,,george ,,newnes4 ,lions in ,their ,dens4 ----- ,,iii4--,,george ,,newnes ,,at ,,putney4 ,,by ,,raymond ,,blathwayt4 ,,illustrations ,,by ,,geo4 ,,hutchinson4 7,photographs by ,messrs4 ,fradelle ,young47 ----- ,illustration3 ,,mr4 ,,newnes',s ,,house ,,at ,,putney4 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,obelisk ,,in ,,the ,,garden4 ,as ,i toiled up the hill which leads to ,putney ,heath1 ,i met a small boy1 of whom ,i asked the way to ,mr4 ,george ,newnes's house4 ,to my astonishment he did not know where it was4 ,i gazed at him more in sorrow than in anger4 ,what6 not know where ,tit-,bits lives6 a smart lad standing by ejaculated1 as he pointed out to me the right direction in which to go4 ,george ,newnes6 'im wot writes ,tit-,bits6 wy ,i thought everyone knowed w'ere 'ee lived6 ,i thanked him1 and wandered on half-a-mile or so until ,i reached the beautiful house which the writer of ,tit-,bits built for himself some years ago4 ,here ,i was received by ,mr4 ,george ,newnes with a welcome which left nothing to be desired in the way of hearty kindness4 ,mr4 ,newnes is a man of middle height1 very good-looking1 with auburn beard1 and hair dashed with grey4 ,though exceedingly wealthy1 he is not1 as somebody has well expressed it1 beastly rich4 ,no feeling of the oppression of newly-acquired wealth flooded my soul as ,i walked about the pretty house and grounds in his company4 ,he and his surroundings have the good taste not to obtrude themselves upon the casual visitor4 ,the man is simplicity itself1 and the most genial and cordial of hosts4 ,i thoroughly enjoyed my visit1 nor was it without infinite interest1 for ,george ,newnes is a companion always amusing1 and with always something new and original to say4 ,as we wandered through the beautiful grounds1 some of which are reclaimed from the wild heath which stretches for miles round the house1 he pointed out to me the curious obelisk1 grey and time-worn1 which still perpetuates the memory of the historic mansion once known as ,fireproof4 ,for it was here that ,george ,,iii4 and ,queen ,charlotte once breakfasted in peace in the drawing room upstairs1 whilst the dining-room below was purposely ignited to prove that the house was really fireproof4 ,upon one side of the house stand the stables1 just beyond them a beautiful covered lawn-tennis court lighted by electricity and heated with hot water1 in which play can go on by night as well as by day1 in winter just as much as in summer4 ,we miss this tennis court dreadfully when we are in ,devonshire1 said ,mr4 ,newnes1 as we quitted the beautiful hall for the house4 ,i am myself devoted to tennis and golfing1 and1 indeed1 ,i sometimes think it is that that has helped me to get through so much work4 ,good players generally make good workers1 he added1 with a laugh4 ,now will you come and join our party at luncheon8 and as he spoke he led the way into a handsome dining-room4 ,at luncheon the conversation dealt chiefly with sport and games1 to my own great relief be it added1 for the dweller in the tents of the literary world hears but little of the ordinary topics of conversation1 and becomes suffocated1 if he be not to the manner born1 with the nauseating cant and self-sufficiency which is so typical of the literary world of to-day1 and more especially typical of its younger members4 ,but at ,george ,newnes's house you hear but little shop4 ,we discussed golf and its rapidly increasing popularity1 the newest serve at tennis1 and some of the most remarkable cricket scores made during the past season4 ,illustration3 ,,mr4 ,,newnes4 ,illustration3 ,,mrs4 ,,newnes4 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,billiard-,,room4 ,the host joined eagerly in our talk until interrupted by the servant1 who brought in a message4 ,quitting us for a moment1 he returned with a smiling apology1 and told me that in that brief space of time he had transacted a piece of business which certainly was not without its interest4 ,a gentleman1 it appeared--the son of a celebrated litterateur of a past day--had called to show some beautiful drawings by the celebrated ,dicky ,doyle1 a relation of ,dr4 ,conan ,doyle4 ,with ,mr4 ,newnes--and it is thoroughly characteristic of the man--to close with a good bargain is but the work of a moment1 and therefore ,i was not surprised1 as he placed the dainty pictures before me1 to learn that he had purchased them for reproduction in his world-famed magazine4 ,after luncheon1 ,mr4 ,newnes suggested that we should retire to his billiard-room1 to reach which we had to pass through his own special sanctum in which he dictates his letters1 c41 to his private secretary--energetic ,mr4 ,william ,plank1 who has been with him for five hard working years--while he walks up and down the room4 ,i can always think better whilst ,i walk1 he explained to me2 indeed1 ,i have recently had the study lengthened to give me more room4 ,by this time we were in the billiard-room1 wherein stands a large ,english organ with upwards of four hundred pipes4 ,and in this room1 prowling round and round the billiard-table like a couple of wild beasts--for ,i also1 like my host1 think best upon my legs--and occasionally cannoning up against one another and recoiling with a laugh and a start1 ,george ,newnes told me the history of his interesting and successful life4 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,conception ,,of ,,tit-,,bits4 ,my father1 he began1 was1 at the time of my birth1 the minister of ,glenorchy ,chapel1 ,matlock ,bath4 ,he was a very able man1 and the best informed man you could meet4 ,he kept me at school till ,i was about sixteen4 ,i finished up at the ,city of ,london ,school1 and1 curiously enough1 ,i am going to-night to reply for the ,house of ,commons at a banquet given by the ,john ,carpenter ,club in honour of the ,home ,secretary1 who was a ,city of ,london ,school boy4 ,my father put me into a house of business in the ,city1 at which ,i remained for a number of years1 and then ,i went down to ,lancashire to open up a branch of the business there4 ,i settled in ,manchester and married1 there4 ,one night1 in #ahhj1 when ,i was sitting at home reading the ,manchester ,evening ,news--and1 by the way1 it has never occurred to me before1 added ,mr4 ,newnes1 as a sudden thought flashed into his mind1 the very people who printed that paper were the same people who afterwards printed ,tit-,bits for ten years--,i came across a story1 or some interesting account1 which very much pleased me4 ,i read it to my wife and said1 ',there1 that's what ,i call a real tit-bit4 ,this paper1 but for it1 is to-day decidedly dull1 because there is absolutely no news to put in it4 ,now1 why cannot a paper be brought out which should contain nothing but tit-bits similar to this8' ,and that really1 said ,i1 much interested1 as ,mr4 ,george ,newnes paused for a moment in his journey round the billiard-table1 and gazed absently at me while ,i lit a cigar and threw myself into an armchair1 and that really is how ,tit-,bits came to be first thought of8 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,study4 ,yes1 he replied1 as he started off once more1 and ,i rose to follow in his track1 that was the first idea of my little green paper4 ,but ,i was a whole year before ,i was able to carry it out4 ,i was very busy in other matters1 and had not much time to attend to it4 ,but ,i never lost sight of the idea1 and ever and anon the word 'tit-bits' would come to me with the force of a warning dream4 ,i worked continually at the idea in my mind1 and all my leisure thoughts were given up to it4 ,in fact1 ,i was constantly afraid--so convinced was ,i that the idea was a good one--that someone would bring it out before ,i could do so1 and every ,saturday morning1 the usual day for new weekly papers1 ,i used to look almost with painful anxiety to see whether there was a placard announcing that such a paper had appeared4 ,but1 however1 nothing of the sort was brought out4 ,the more ,i thought of it the more enamoured ,i became of the idea1 till1 in ,october1 #ahha1 the first number appeared4 ,and as he spoke ,mr4 ,newnes handed me the very first number of the now celebrated paper4 ,as soon as it was fairly started1 continued my host1 ,i gave up my other business and devoted myself to the editing and publishing of the paper4 ,at first1 the chief pieces in it were selected from books and periodicals--any sources1 in short1 that were not copyright4 ,i would get an anecdote from one book1 and something else from another1 anything interesting1 in fact1 from wherever ,i could pick it up2 of course1 now we have a large list of original contributors1 but at first that was the way in which it was compiled4 ,in the early days1 naturally enough1 its circulation was confined chiefly to ,manchester4 ,there it simply 'caught on' immediately1 and sold like wildfire4 ,why1 the newspaper boys' brigade1 continued ,mr4 ,newnes1 now fairly excited at the memory of that eventful ,saturday morning1 sold something like #e1jjj copies in two hours of the first number in ,manchester alone4 ,they came rushing back to the office1 where ,i sat anxiously awaiting their news1 full of the wonderful result4 ,tit-,bits was then1 ,i felt certain1 an assured success1 and the public used to write to me to tell me of its popularity4 ,i receive letters to this day1 and especially from ministers and clergymen1 who write to say that they recommend it because of the information it contains1 and its instructive character1 and1 above all1 because of the purity of its contents4 ,yet there are some clergymen who think there is some double entendre in the title ,tit-,bits1 and from its title that it is probably a paper they ought to speak against2 and often1 solely on account of its title1 ,i believe they bracket it with all kinds of other literature of a low-class type1 and in this way ,i suffer from the name4 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,birth ,,of ,,tit-,,bits4 ,and how was it you came to inaugurate your system of insurance against railway accidents8 ,i asked ,mr4 ,newnes1 after a brief discussion on the ridiculous and narrow-minded behaviour of these worthy clerics4 ,it was in this way1 he replied1 as he brought himself to an anchor against the billiard-table1 where he rested for a brief moment4 ,it was in this way3 ,a woman wrote to me saying that her husband had been killed on the railway1 and as he had a copy of ,tit-,bits upon him at the time1 she asked whether ,i would make her some allowance of money4 ,at once the idea of an insurance system occurred to me1 and you know now how widespread this system has become4 ,i smiled as ,i noted how in each case his wonderful successes are owing not more to the flash of a striking idea than to the wonderful promptitude which follows on the thought2 how remarkable an instance his whole career affords of the benefit and wisdom of striking while the iron is hot4 ,and then after ,tit-,bits came the ,review of ,reviews1 ,i suppose8 ,i queried1 as my host jotted down some notes in his pocket-book4 ,illustration3 ,,hesketh ,,house1 ,,torquay4 ,yes1 he replied1 as he once more took the floor4 ,that was one of the quickest arranged things ,i have ever heard of4 ,it was all done in a month4 ,i was staying down at ,torquay1 where ,i have a house for the winter1 and ,mr4 ,stead wrote to me to say he contemplated leaving the ,pall ,mall ,gazette1 and would like to be associated with me in some journalistic scheme4 ,he sent descriptions of three which were passing through his mind1 asking if ,i would care to take either of them into consideration4 ,i replied by return1 saying that ,i did not care for two of them much1 but that ,i was delighted with the third4 ,i then and there told him the terms upon which ,i would work with him4 ,he wrote back1 saying that he would accept them1 and ,i came to ,london the following week1 in order that ,i might make arrangements1 and in thirty days from the first proposal of the idea1 the ,review of ,reviews was published4 ,at first it was decided to call it ,the ,sixpenny ,monthly1 with a sub-title1 ,a ,review of the ,reviews2 as such1 indeed1 it appeared upon the cover till the day before going to press1 which was a ,sunday4 ,i was so convinced that the title ought to be reversed1 and that it should be ,the ,review of ,reviews1 a ,sixpenny ,monthly1 that ,i went over and waylaid ,mr4 ,stead as he was coming with his family out of church4 ,i explained my views to him1 and in a few minutes he agreed that ,i was right1 and the title was altered to that which has now become so familiar4 ,well1 when the ,review of ,reviews went out of my field of vision1 ,i had made certain arrangements with people for publishing magazine work1 and so on1 and ,i wanted something to take its place4 ,then came to me a very old and favourite idea of mine--the idea of a magazine with a picture on every page6 ,i engaged the services of ,mr4 ,greenhough ,smith1 now my assistant editor on the ,strand ,magazine1 who had the idea of largely producing translations from foreign authors1 and as soon as the ,review of ,reviews had gone1 ,i was at work on the new venture4 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,drawing-,,room4 ,and1 with regard to its title1 ,mr4 ,newnes1 said ,i1 you are great on titles1 are you not8 ,i attach great importance to them1 certainly1 he vigorously replied4 ,i thoroughly agree with ,shakespeare that there is much in a name4 ,why1 indeed1 should names be valueless8 ,they are as great facts as anything else in the constitutions of humanity4 ,and in the journalistic world a name is half the battle4 ,the ,strand was a good title1 it appeared to me1 short1 and at the same time attractive4 ,after all1 it is through the ,strand itself that the tide of life flows fullest and strongest and deepest4 ,i felt that with a good picture on the cover it would sell well on the book-stalls4 ,the picture was rather difficult1 and much depended on that picture4 ,at first ,i did not succeed in getting the artist to embody my idea of a picture of a street4 ,now ,i had here at home an oil painting which ,i thought would help him4 ,and as he spoke1 ,mr4 ,newnes led me to the staircase and showed me a very charming perspective of some street in an ,english town4 ,i showed ,mr4 ,haite this picture1 he continued1 and ,i asked him if he could do a similar perspective of the ,strand4 ,illustration3 ,i ,,work ,,very ,,quickly4 ,the ,picture ,magazine1 which started with this year1 is likely to be nearly as successful as ,the ,strand4 ,after we had discussed the position and the prospects of the new paper which ,mr4 ,newnes has started to fill the place in the ,radical journalistic ranks of the ,p4,m4,g41 we drifted into a general conversation on his habits of life1 his occupations1 and the varied qualities which go to the making of a successful business man1 the future of popular journalism1 and the like4 ,how do you manage to keep all your irons hot8 ,i asked my host2 you edit three papers1 you are a member of ,parliament1 you build railways up the cliffs of popular watering-places1 you play games1 you do everything4 ,how is it all done1 pray1 ,mr4 ,newnes8 ,what is the secret of your life8 ,well1 he slowly replied1 and with a certain shy hesitation1 for though prompt and energetic enough in actual business1 no more modest man1 or one more reluctant to speak of himself and his doings walks this earth--well1 though ,i don't want to boast about it1 yet the simple fact is1 ,i work very quickly1 and ,i get through my business much faster than most men do4 ,i make up my mind1 form my plans1 and arrive at conclusions very rapidly4 ,with regard to my editorial work1 for instance1 all 'copy' for the papers is sifted for me at the office1 then it is sent up here1 where ,i work three days a week1 selecting that which ,i think shall go in1 and marking it for press4 ,i dictate the ',answers to ,correspondents' page to my private secretary4 ,this page always takes up three hours a week4 ,i get through my editorial1 parliamentary and business work1 and manage to get a good deal of leisure besides4 ,golf1 tennis and chess take up my leisure4 ,when ,i am in the country ,i have all my work sent there4 ,the fact is1 ,i work hard and ,i play hard1 and ,i believe each is equally necessary for good health and real happiness4 ,curiously enough1 ,i do not believe that naturally ,i am of a very systematic nature1 but so much business forces me to be so4 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,tennis ,,court4 ,and as to the future of journalism generally1 and of such papers as yours in particular1 ,mr4 ,newnes8 ,i queried4 ,with the spread of education and the increase of ,board ,schools1 there is a great change coming over the masses1 is there not8 ,i think this1 he replied1 that many of the papers of the day are developing too much the gambling and lottery spirit1 which ,i regard as a very evil one1 and would not for a moment countenance4 ,i think1 as you say1 that the ,board ,schools have immensely increased the number of buyers of papers of this kind1 and it is a great source of satisfaction to me that ,i should have inaugurated a popular paper which should be taken largely by the masses1 and which is absolutely pure4 ,when ,i came out with ,tit-,bits there was not a single popular paper containing fun or jokes or anything of the kind--except the illustrated ones--but what relied more or less upon prurient matter to tickle the fancies of prurient minds4 ,besides1 my idea is that1 just at present1 the ,board ,schools tend to a certain hardness and narrowness of character1 which is perhaps softened down by the development by these papers of the lighter side of human nature4 ,tit-,bits1 ,i have reason to know1 has in many cases induced the study of some science or literature on the part of a man or boy who has read some interesting 'tit-bit' on one of these subjects1 and has desired1 naturally enough1 to know more about it4 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,conservatory4 ,will it ever be possible1 ,mr4 ,newnes1 do you think1 to provide the masses with the higher journalism1 with a sort of ,saturday ,review1 or ,nineteenth ,century8 ,i asked4 ,i don't think1 he slowly replied1 shaking his head1 ,i don't think1 ,radical as ,i am1 and absolute believer in the sovereignty of the people1 that the masses will ever take to any paper which consists mainly of essays or leaders4 ,they want things served up with other interesting matter1 and with as much of the personal element as it is possible to give them4 ,the masses still incline entirely to the lighter side of literature4 ,they work hard enough in everyday life1 their recreation and their literature must1 therefore1 be as light as possible4 ,illustration3 ,,in ,,the ,,billiard-,,room4 ,and now1 ,mr4 ,newnes1 for one more question--a good long one1 ,i laughingly added4 ,having all your life been so successful yourself1 as you look round ,london1 with the struggle for existence1 and the mingling of classes which makes that struggle for existence still harder1 how do you really account for your own wonderful success1 and how would you recommend others to be successful too1 even though only in a small way8 ,i really don't know how ,i can answer that question1 he replied4 ,the only thing is1 ,i have always been struck with the fact that so many people go about with their eyes shut1 and do not see the chances which may be before them4 ,they have no idea of doing anything beyond what they may have seen done before1 and what they are told to do4 ,they are frightened by originality lest it might be disastrous4 ,i suppose ,i have been inclined to do things differently rather than the same as other people1 and ,i have always struck while the iron was hot4 ,that1 ,i think1 to put it very briefly1 is the secret of any success which has attended my efforts4 ,novel ,notes4 ,,by ,,jerome ,k4 ,,jerome4 ,,illustrations ,,by ,,hal ,,hurst ,,and ,j4 ,,gulich4 ----- ,,part ,,xi4 ,illustration3 ,,lighting ,,his ,,pipe4 ,said ,brown one evening1 ,there is but one vice1 and that is selfishness4 ,selfishness is the seed of all sin4 ,jephson was standing before the fire lighting his pipe4 ,he puffed the tobacco into a glow1 threw the match into the embers1 and then said3 ,and the seed of all virtue1 also4 ,don't let us forget that4 ,sit down and get on with your work1 said ,mac,shaugnassy from the sofa where he lay at full length with his heels on a chair2 we're discussing the novel1 ,paradoxes not admitted during business hours4 ,jephson1 however1 was in an argumentative mood4 ,selfishness1 he continued1 is merely another name for ,will4 ,every deed1 good or bad1 that we do is prompted by selfishness4 ,we are charitable to secure ourselves a good place in the next world1 to make ourselves respected in this1 to ease our own distress at the knowledge of suffering4 ,one man is kind because it gives him pleasure to be kind1 just as another is cruel because cruelty pleases him4 ,a great man does his duty because to him the sense of duty done is a deeper delight than would be the ease resulting from avoidance of duty4 ,the religious man is religious because he finds a joy in religion2 the moral man moral because with his strong self-respect1 viciousness would mean wretchedness4 ,self-sacrifice itself is only a subtle selfishness3 we prefer the mental exaltation gained thereby to the sensual gratification which is the alternative reward4 ,man cannot be anything else but selfish4 ,selfishness is the law of all life4 ,each thing1 from the farthest fixed star to the smallest insect crawling on the earth1 fighting for itself according to its strength2 and brooding over all1 the ,eternal1 working for ,himself3 that is the universe4 7,copyrighted #ahib in the ,united ,states of ,america1 by ,jerome ,k4 ,jerome47 ,have some whiskey1 said ,mac,shaugnassy2 and don't be so complicatedly metaphysical4 ,you make my head ache4 ,if all action1 good and bad1 spring from selfishness1 replied ,brown2 then there must be good selfishness and bad selfishness2 and your bad selfishness is my plain selfishness1 without any adjective1 so we are back where we started4 ,i say selfishness--bad selfishness--is the root of all evil1 and there you are bound to agree with me4 ,not always1 persisted ,jephson2 ,i've known selfishness--selfishness according to the ordinarily accepted meaning of the term--to be productive of good actions4 ,i can give you an instance1 if you like4 ,has it got a moral8 asked ,mac,shaugnassy1 drowsily4 ,jephson mused a moment4 ,yes1 he at length said2 a very practical moral--and one very useful to young men4 ,that's the sort of story we want1 said ,mac,shaugnassy1 raising himself into a sitting position4 ,you listen to this1 ,brown4 ,jephson seated himself upon a chair1 in his favourite attitude1 with his elbows resting upon the back1 and smoked for awhile in silence4 ,there are three people in this story1 he began2 the wife1 the wife's husband1 and the other man4 ,in most dramas of this type1 it is the wife who is the chief character4 ,in this case1 the interesting person is the other man4 ,the wife--,i saw her once3 she was the most beautiful woman ,i have ever seen1 and the most wicked-looking2 which is saying a good deal for both statements4 ,i remember1 during a walking tour one year1 coming across a lovely little cottage4 ,it was the sweetest place imaginable4 ,i need not describe it4 ,it was the cottage one sees in pictures1 and reads of in sentimental poetry4 ,i was leaning over the neatly-cropped hedge1 drinking in its beauty1 when at one of the tiny casements ,i saw1 looking out at me1 a face4 ,it stayed there only for a moment1 but in that moment the cottage had become ugly1 and ,i hurried away with a shudder4 ,that woman's face reminded me of the incident4 ,it was an angel's face1 until the woman herself looked out of it3 then you were struck by the strange incongruity between tenement and tenant4 ,that at one time she had loved her husband1 ,i have little doubt4 ,vicious women have few vices1 and sordidness is not usually one of them4 ,she had probably married him1 borne towards him by one of those waves of passion upon which the souls of animal natures are continually rising and falling4 ,on possession1 however1 had quickly followed satiety1 and from satiety had grown the desire for a new sensation4 ,they were living at ,cairo at the period2 her husband held an important official position there1 and by virtue of this1 and of her own beauty and tact1 her house soon became the centre of the ,anglo-,saxon society ever drifting in and out of the city4 ,the women disliked her1 and copied her4 ,the men spoke slightingly of her to their wives1 lightly of her to each other1 and made idiots of themselves when they were alone with her4 ,she laughed at them to their faces1 and mimicked them behind their backs4 ,their friends said it was cleverly4 ,illustration3 ,,she ,,laughed ,,at ,,them4 ,one year there arrived a young ,english engineer1 who had come out to superintend some canal works4 ,he brought with him satisfactory letters of recommendation1 and was at once received by the ,european residents as a welcome addition to their social circle4 ,he was not particularly good-looking1 he was not remarkably charming1 but he possessed the one thing that few women can resist in a man1 and that is strength4 ,the woman looked at the man1 and the man looked back at the woman2 and the drama began4 ,scandal flies swiftly through small communities4 ,before a month1 their relationship was the chief topic of conversation throughout the quarter4 ,in less than two1 it reached the ears of the woman's husband4 ,he was either an exceptionally mean or an exceptionally noble character1 according to how one views the matter4 ,he worshipped his wife--as men with big hearts and weak brains often do worship such women--with dog-like devotion4 ,his only dread was lest the scandal should reach proportions that would compel him to take notice of it1 and thus bring shame and suffering upon the woman he would have given his life to4 ,that a man who saw her should love her seemed natural to him2 that she should have grown tired of himself1 a thing not to be wondered at4 ,he was grateful to her for having once loved him1 for a little while4 ,as for 'the other man1' he proved somewhat of an enigma to the gossips4 ,he attempted no secrecy2 if anything1 he rather paraded his subjugation--or his conquest1 it was difficult to decide which term to apply4 ,he rode and drove with her2 visited her in public and in private 7in such privacy as can be hoped for in a house filled with chattering servants1 and watched by spying eyes72 loaded her with expensive presents1 which she wore openly1 and papered his smoking den with her photographs4 ,yet he never allowed himself to appear in the least degree ridiculous2 never allowed her to come between him and his work4 ,a letter from her1 he would lay aside unopened until he had finished what he evidently regarded as more important business4 ,when boudoir and engine-shed became rivals1 it was the boudoir that had to wait4 ,the woman chafed under his self-control1 which stung her like a lash1 but clung to him the more abjectly4 ',tell me you love me6' she would cry fiercely1 stretching her white arms towards him4 ',i have told you so1' he would reply calmly1 without moving4 ',i want to hear you tell it me again1' she would plead with a voice that trembled on a sob4 ',come close to me and tell it me again1 again1 again6' ,then1 as she lay with half-closed eyes1 he would pour forth a flood of passionate words sufficient to satisfy even her thirsty ears1 and afterwards1 as the gates clanged behind him1 would take up an engineering problem at the exact point at which half-an-hour before1 on her entrance into the room1 he had temporarily dismissed it4 ,one day1 a privileged friend put bluntly to him this question3 ',are you playing for love or vanity8' ,to which the man1 after long pondering1 gave this reply3 '',pon my soul1 ,jack1 ,i couldn't tell you4' ,now1 when a man is in love with a woman who cannot make up her mind whether she loves him or not1 we call the complication comedy2 where it is the woman who is in earnest the result is generally tragedy4 ,they continued to meet and to make love4 ,they talked--as people in their position are prone to talk--of the beautiful life they would lead if it only were not for the thing that was2 of the earthly paradise--or1 maybe1 'earthy' would be the more suitable adjective--they would each create for the other1 if only they had the right which they hadn't4 ,illustration3 ,,she ,,lay ,,with ,,half-,,closed ,,eyes4 ,in this work of imagination the man trusted chiefly to his literary faculties1 which were considerable2 the woman to her desires4 ,thus1 his scenes possessed a grace and finish which hers lacked1 but her pictures were the more vivid4 ,indeed1 so realistic did she paint them1 that to herself they seemed realities1 waiting for her4 ,then she would rise to go towards them only to strike herself against the thought of the thing that stood between herself and them4 ,at first the woman only hated the thing1 but after a while there came an ugly look of hope into her eyes4 ,the time drew near for the man to return to ,england4 ,the canal was completed1 and a day appointed for the letting in of the water4 ,the man determined to make the event the occasion of a social gathering4 ,he invited a large number of guests1 among whom were the woman and her husband1 to assist at the function4 ,afterwards the party were to picnic at a pleasant wooded spot some three-quarters of a mile from the first lock4 ,the ceremony of flooding was to be performed by the woman1 her husband's position entitling her to this distinction4 ,between the river and the head of the cutting had been left a strong bank of earth1 pierced some distance down by a hole1 which hole was kept closed by means of a closely-fitting steel plate4 ,the woman drew the lever releasing this plate1 and the water rushed through and began to press against the lock gates4 ,when it had attained a certain depth1 the sluices were raised and the water poured down into the deep basin of the lock4 ,it was an exceptionally deep lock4 ,the party gathered round and watched the water slowly rising4 ,the woman looked down1 and shuddered2 the man was standing by her side4 ',how deep it is1' she said4 ',yes1' he replied1 'it holds thirty feet of water1 when full4' ,the water crept up inch by inch4 ',why don't you open the gates1 and let it in quickly8' she asked4 ',it would not do for it to come in too quickly1' he explained to her2 'we shall half fill this lock1 and then open the sluices at the other end1 and so let the water pass through4' ,the woman looked at the smooth stone walls and at the iron-plated gates4 ',i wonder what a man would do1' she said1 'if he fell in1 and there was no one near to help him4' ,the man laughed4 ',i think he would stop there1' he answered4 ',come1 the others are waiting for us4' ,he lingered a moment to give some final instructions to the workmen4 ',you can follow on when you've made all right1' he said1 'and get something to eat4 ,there's no need for more than one to stop4' ,then they joined the rest of the party1 and sauntered on1 laughing and talking1 to the picnic ground4 ,after lunch the party broke up1 as is the custom of picnic parties1 and wandered away in groups and pairs4 ,the man1 whose duty as host had hitherto occupied all his attention1 looked for the woman1 but she was gone4 ,a friend strolled by1 the same that had put the question to him about love and vanity4 ',have you quarrelled8' asked the friend4 ',no1' replied the man4 ',i fancied you had1' said the other4 ',i met her just now walking with her husband1 of all men in the world1 and making herself quite agreeable to him4' ,the friend strolled on1 and the man sat down on a fallen tree1 and lighted a cigar4 ,he smoked and thought1 and the cigar burnt out1 but he still sat thinking4 ,after a while he heard a faint rustling of the branches behind him and peering between the interlacing leaves that hid him1 saw the crouching figure of the woman creeping through the wood4 ,his lips were parted to call her name1 when she turned her listening head in his direction1 and his eyes fell full upon her face4 ,something about it1 he could not have told what1 struck him dumb1 and the woman crept on4 ,illustration3 ',,if ,a ,,man ,,fell ,,in1 ,,and ,,there ,,was ,,no ,,one ,,near ,,to ,,help ,,him8' ,gradually the nebulous thoughts floating through his brain began to solidify into a tangible idea1 and the man unconsciously started forward4 ,after walking a few steps he broke into a run1 for the idea had grown clearer4 ,it continued to grow still clearer and clearer1 and the man ran faster and faster1 until at last he found himself racing madly towards the lock4 ,as he approached it he looked round for the watchman who ought to have been there1 but the man was gone from his post4 ,he shouted1 but if any answer was returned1 it was drowned by the roar of the rushing water4 ,illustration3 ,,he ,,broke ,,into ,a ,,run4 ,he reached the edge and looked down4 ,fifteen feet below him was the reality of the dim vision that had come to him a mile back in the woods3 the woman's husband swimming round and round like a rat in a pail4 ,the river was flowing in and out of the lock at the same rate1 so that the level of the water remained constant4 ,the first thing the man did was to close the lower sluices and then open those in the upper gate to their fullest extent4 ,the water inch by inch began to rise4 ',can you hold out8' he cried4 ,the drowning man turned to him a face already contorted by the agony of exhaustion1 and answered with a feeble ',no4' ,he looked around for something to throw to the man4 ,a plank had lain there in the morning1 he remembered stumbling over it1 and complaining of its having been left there2 he cursed himself now for his care4 ,a hut used by the navvies to keep their tools in stood about two hundred yards away2 perhaps it had been taken there1 perhaps there he might even find a rope4 ',just one minute1 old fellow6' he shouted down1 'and ,i'll be back4' ,but the old fellow did not hear him4 ,the feeble struggles ceased4 ,the face fell back upon the water1 the eyes half closed as if with weary indifference4 ,there was no time for him to do more than kick off his riding boots and jump in and clutch the unconscious figure as it sank4 ,down there1 in that walled-in trap1 he fought a long fight with ,death for the life that stood between him and the woman4 ,he was not an expert swimmer1 his clothes hampered him1 he was already blown with his long race1 the burden in his arms dragged him down1 the water rose slowly enough to make his torture fit for ,dante's hell4 ,illustration3 ,,he ,,fought ,a ,,long ,,fight ,,with ,,death4 ,at first he could not understand why this was so1 but in glancing down he saw to his horror that he had not properly closed the lower sluices2 in each some eight or ten inches remained open1 so that the stream was passing out nearly half as fast as it came in4 ,it would be another five and twenty minutes before the water would be high enough for him to grasp the top4 ,he noted where the line of wet had reached to on the smooth stone wall1 then looked again after what he thought must be a lapse of ten minutes1 and found it had risen half an inch1 if that4 ,once or twice he shouted for help1 but the effort taxed severely his already failing breath1 and his voice only came back to him in a hundred echoes from his prison walls4 ,inch by inch the line of wet crept up1 but the spending of his strength went on more swiftly4 ,it seemed to him as if his inside were being gripped and torn slowly out3 his whole body cried out to him to let it sink and lie in rest at the bottom4 ,at length his unconscious burden opened its eyes and stared at him stupidly1 then closed them again with a sigh2 a minute later opened them once more and looked long and hard at him4 ',let me go1' he said1 'we shall both drown4 ,you can manage by yourself4' ,he made a feeble effort to release himself1 but the other held him4 ',keep still1 you fool6' he hissed2 'you're going to get out of this with me1 or ,i'm going down with you4' ,so the grim struggle went on in silence1 till the man1 looking up1 saw the stone coping just a little way above his head1 made one mad leap and caught it with his finger-tips1 held on an instant1 then fell back with a 'plump1' and sank2 came up and made another dash1 helped by the impetus of his rise1 caught the coping firmly this time with the whole of his fingers1 hung on till his eyes saw the grass1 till they were both able to scramble out upon the bank and lie there1 their breasts pressed close against the ground1 and their hands clutching the earth1 while the overflowing water swirled softly round them4 ,illustration3 ,,caught ,,it ,,with ,,his ,,finger-,,tips4 ,after a while1 they raised themselves and looked at one another4 ',tiring work1 that sort of thing1' said the other man1 with a nod towards the lock4 ',yes1' answered the husband1 'beastly awkward not being a good swimmer4 ,how did you know ,i had fallen in8 ,you met my wife1 ,i suppose8' ',yes1' said the other man4 ,the husband sat staring at a point in the horizon for some minutes4 ',do you know what ,i was wondering this morning8' said he4 ',no1' said the other man4 ',whether ,i should kill you or not4' ',they told me1' he continued1 after a pause1 'a lot of silly gossip which ,i was cad enough to believe4 ,i know now it wasn't true1 because--well1 if it had been1 you would not have done what you have done4' ,he rose and came across4 ',i beg your pardon1' he said1 holding out his hand4 ',i beg yours1' said the other man1 rising and taking it2 'do you mind giving me a hand with the sluices8' ,they set to work to put the lock right4 ',how did you manage to fall in8' asked the other man1 who was raising one of the lower sluices1 without looking round4 ,the husband hesitated1 as if he found the explanation somewhat difficult4 ',oh1' he answered carelessly1 'the wife and ,i were chaffing1 and she said she'd often seen you jump it1 and'--he laughed a rather forced laugh--'she promised me a--a kiss if ,i cleared it4 ,it was a foolish thing to do4' ',yes1 it was rather1' said the other man4 ,a few days afterwards the man and woman met at a reception4 ,he found her in a leafy corner of the garden talking to some friends4 ,she advanced to meet him1 holding out her hand4 ',what can ,i say more than thank you1' she murmured in a low voice4 ,the others moved away leaving them alone4 ',they tell me you risked your life to save his8' she said4 ',yes1' he answered4 ,she raised her eyes to his1 then struck him across the face with her ungloved hand4 ,illustration3 ,,struck ,,him ,,across ,,the ,,face4 ',you damned fool6' she whispered4 ,he seized her by her white arms1 and forced her back behind the orange trees4 ',do you know why8' he said1 speaking slowly and distinctly2 'because ,i feared that with him dead you would want me to marry you1 and that1 talked about as we have been1 ,i might find it awkward to avoid doing so2 because ,i feared that without him to stand between us you might prove an annoyance to me--perhaps come between me and the woman ,i love1 the woman ,i am going back to4 ,now do you understand8' ',yes1' whispered the woman1 and he left her4 ,but there are only two people1 concluded ,jephson1 who do not regard his saving of the husband's life as a highly noble and unselfish action1 and they are the man himself and the woman4 ,we thanked ,jephson for his story1 and promised to profit by the moral1 when discovered4 ,meanwhile1 ,mac,shaugnassy said that he knew a story dealing with the same theme1 namely1 the too close attachment of a woman to a strange man1 which really had a moral1 which moral was3 don't have anything to do with inventions4 ,brown1 who had patented a safety gun1 which he had never yet found a man plucky enough to let off1 said it was a bad moral4 ,we agreed to hear the particulars1 and judge for ourselves4 ,this story1 commenced ,mac,shaugnassy1 comes from ,furtwangen1 a small town in the ,black ,forest4 ,there lived there a very wonderful old fellow named ,nicholaus ,geibel4 ,his business was the making of mechanical toys1 at which work he had acquired an almost ,european reputation4 ,he made rabbits that would emerge from the heart of a cabbage1 flop their ears1 smooth their whiskers1 and disappear again2 cats that would wash their faces1 and mew so naturally that dogs would mistake them for real cats1 and fly at them2 dolls1 with phonographs concealed within them1 that would raise their hats and say1 ',good morning2 how do you do1' and some that would even sing a song4 ,illustration3 ,,he ,,had ,,contrived ,a ,,mechanical ,,donkey4 ,but he was something more than a mere mechanic2 he was an artist4 ,his work was with him a hobby1 almost a passion4 ,his shop was filled with all manner of strange things that never would1 or could1 be sold--things he had made for the pure love of making them4 ,he had contrived a mechanical donkey that would trot for two hours by means of stored electricity1 and trot1 too1 much faster than the live article1 and with less need for exertion on the part of the driver2 a bird that would shoot up into the air1 fly round and round in a circle1 and drop to earth at the exact spot from where it started2 a skeleton that1 supported by an upright iron bar1 would dance a hornpipe2 a life-size lady doll that could play the fiddle2 and a gentleman with a hollow inside who could smoke a pipe and drink more lager beer than any three average ,german students put together1 which is saying much4 ,indeed1 it was the belief of the town that old ,geibel could make a man capable of doing everything that a respectable man need want to do4 ,one day he made a man who did too much1 and it came about in this way4 ,young ,doctor ,follen had a baby1 and the baby had a birthday4 ,its first birthday put ,doctor ,follen's household into somewhat of a flurry1 but on the occasion of its second birthday1 ,mrs4 ,doctor ,follen gave a ball in honour of the event4 ,old ,geibel and his daughter ,olga were among the guests4 ,during the afternoon of the next day some three or four of ,olga's bosom friends1 who had also been present at the ball1 dropped in to have a chat about it4 ,they naturally fell to discussing the men1 and to criticising their dancing4 ,old ,geibel was in the room1 but he appeared to be absorbed in his newspaper1 and the girls took no notice of him4 ',there seem to be fewer men who can dance at every ball you go to1' said one of the girls4 ',yes1 and don't the ones who can give themselves airs1' said another2 'they make quite a favour of asking you4' ',and how stupidly they talk1' added a third4 ',they always say exactly the same things3 ,how charming you are looking to-night4 ,do you often go to ,vienna8 ,oh1 you should1 it's delightful4 ,what a charming dress you have on4 ,what a warm day it has been4 ,do you like ,wagner8 ,i do wish they'd think of something new4' ',oh1 ,i never mind how they talk1' said a fourth4 ',if a man dances well he may be a fool for all ,i care4' ',he generally is1' slipped in a thin girl1 rather spitefully4 ',i go to a ball to dance1' continued the previous speaker1 not noticing the interruption4 ',all ,i ask of a partner is that he shall hold me firmly1 take me round steadily1 and not get tired before ,i do4' ',a clockwork figure would be the thing for you1' said the girl who had interrupted4 ',bravo6' cried one of the others1 clapping her hands1 'what a capital idea6' ',what's a capital idea8' they asked4 ',why1 a clockwork dancer1 or1 better still1 one that would go by electricity and never run down4' ,the girls took up the idea with enthusiasm4 ',oh1 what a lovely partner he would make1' said one2 'he would never kick you1 or tread on your toes4' ',or tear your dress1' said another4 ',or get out of step4' ',or get giddy and lean on you4' ',and he would never want to mop his face with his handkerchief4 ,i do hate to see a man do that after every dance4' ',and wouldn't want to spend the whole evening in the supper room4' ',why1 with a phonograph inside him to grind out all the stock remarks1 you would not be able to tell him from a real man1' said the girl who had first suggested the idea4 ',oh1 yes1 you would1' said the thin girl1 'he would be so much nicer4' ,old ,geibel had laid down his paper1 and was listening with both his ears4 ,on one of the girls glancing in his direction1 however1 he hurriedly hid himself again behind it4 ,after the girls were gone1 he went into his workshop1 where ,olga heard him walking up and down1 and every now and then chuckling to himself2 and that night he talked to her a good deal about dancing and dancing men--asked what they usually said and did--what dances were most popular--what steps were gone through1 with many other questions bearing on the subject4 ,then for a couple of weeks he kept much to his factory1 and was very thoughtful and busy1 though prone at unexpected moments to break into a quiet low laugh1 as if enjoying a joke that nobody else knew of4 ,illustration3 ,,olga ,,showing ,,him ,,what ,,steps ,,were ,,gone ,,through4 ,a month later another ball took place in ,furtwangen4 ,on this occasion it was given by old ,wenzel1 the wealthy timber merchant1 to celebrate his niece's betrothal1 and ,geibel and his daughter were again among the invited4 ,when the hour arrived to set out1 ,olga sought her father4 ,not finding him in the house1 she tapped at the door of his workshop4 ,he appeared in his shirt-sleeves1 looking hot but radiant4 ',don't wait for me1' he said1 'you go on1 ,i'll follow you4 ,i've got something to finish4' ,as she turned to obey he called after her1 ',tell them ,i'm going to bring a young man with me--such a nice young man1 and an excellent dancer4 ,all the girls will like him4' ,then he laughed and closed the door4 ,her father generally kept his doings secret from everybody1 but she had a pretty shrewd suspicion of what he had been planning1 and so1 to a certain extent1 was able to prepare the guests for what was coming4 ,anticipation ran high1 and the arrival of the famous mechanist was eagerly awaited4 ,at length the sound of wheels was heard outside1 followed by a great commotion in the passage1 and old ,wenzel himself1 his jolly face red with excitement and suppressed laughter1 burst into the room and announced in stentorian tones3 ',herr ,geibel--and a friend4' ,herr ,geibel and his 'friend' entered1 greeted with shouts of laughter and applause1 and advanced to the centre of the room4 ',allow me1 ladies and gentlemen1' said ,herr ,geibel1 'to introduce you to my friend1 ,lieutenant ,fritz4 ,fritz1 my dear fellow1 bow to the ladies and gentlemen4' ,geibel placed his hand encouragingly on ,fritz's shoulder1 and the lieutenant bowed low1 accompanying the action with a harsh clicking noise in his throat1 unpleasantly suggestive of a death rattle4 ,but that was only a detail4 ',he walks a little stiffly' 7old ,geibel took his arm and walked him forward a few steps4 ,he certainly did walk stiffly71 'but then1 walking is not his forte4 ,he is essentially a dancing man4 ,i have only been able to teach him the waltz as yet1 but at that he is faultless4 ,come1 which of you ladies may ,i introduce him to as a partner4 ,he keeps perfect time2 he never gets tired2 he won't kick you or tread on your dress2 he will hold you as firmly as you like1 and go as quickly or as slowly as you please2 he never gets giddy2 and he is full of conversation4 ,come1 speak up for yourself1 my boy4' ,the old gentleman twisted one of the buttons at the back of his coat1 and immediately ,fritz opened his mouth1 and in thin tones that appeared to proceed from the back of his head1 remarked suddenly1 ',may ,i have the pleasure8' and then shut his mouth again with a snap4 ,that ,lieutenant ,fritz had made a strong impression on the company was undoubted1 yet none of the girls seemed inclined to dance with him4 ,they looked askance at his waxen face1 with its staring eyes and fixed smile1 and shuddered4 ,at last old ,geibel came to the girl who had conceived the idea4 ',it is your own suggestion1 carried out to the letter1' said ,geibel1 'an electric dancer4 ,you owe it to the gentleman to give him a trial4' ,she was a bright1 saucy little girl1 fond of a frolic4 ,her host added his entreaties1 and she consented4 ,herr ,geibel fixed the figure to her4 ,its right arm was screwed round her waist1 and held her firmly2 its delicately-jointed left hand was made to fasten itself upon her right4 ,the old toymaker showed her how to regulate its speed1 and how to stop it1 and release herself4 ',it will take you round in a complete circle1' he explained2 'be careful that no one knocks against you1 and alters its course4' ,illustration3 ,,for ,a ,,couple ,,of ,,weeks ,,he ,,kept ,,to ,,his ,,factory4 ,the music struck up4 ,old ,geibel put the current in motion1 and ,annette and her strange partner began to dance4 ,for a while everyone stood watching them4 ,the figure performed its purpose admirably4 ,keeping perfect time and step1 and holding its little partner tight clasped in an unyielding embrace1 it revolved steadily1 pouring forth at the same time a constant flow of squeaky conversation1 broken by brief intervals of grinding silence4 ',how charming you are looking to-night1' it remarked in its thin1 far-away voice4 ',what a lovely day it has been4 ,do you like dancing8 ,how well our steps agree4 ,you will give me another1 won't you8 ,oh1 don't be so cruel4 ,what a charming gown you have on4 ,isn't waltzing delightful8 ,i could go on dancing for ever--with you4 ,have you had supper8' ,as she grew more familiar with the uncanny creature1 the girl's nervousness wore off1 and she entered into the fun of the thing4 ',oh1 he's just lovely1' she cried1 laughing1 ',i could go on dancing with him all my life4' ,couple after couple now joined them1 and soon all the dancers in the room were whirling round behind them4 ,nicholaus ,geibel stood looking on1 beaming with childish delight at his success4 ,illustration3 ,,my ,,friend1 ,,lieutenant ,,fritz4 ,old ,wenzel approached him1 and whispered something in his ear4 ,geibel laughed1 and nodded1 and the two worked their way quietly towards the door4 ',this is the young people's house to-night1' said ,wenzel1 so soon as they were outside2 'you and ,i will have a quiet pipe and a glass of hock1 over in the counting-house4' ,meanwhile the dancing grew more fast and furious4 ,little ,annette loosened the screw regulating her partner's rate of progress1 and the figure flew round with her swifter and swifter4 ,couple after couple dropped out exhausted1 but they only went the faster1 till at length they remained dancing alone4 ,madder and madder became the waltz4 ,the music lagged behind3 the musicians1 unable to keep pace1 ceased1 and sat staring4 ,the younger guests applauded1 but the older faces began to grow anxious4 ',hadn't you better stop1 dear1' said one of the women1 'you'll make yourself so tired4' ,but ,annette did not answer4 ',i believe she's fainted1' cried out a girl who had caught sight of her face as it was swept by4 ,one of the men sprang forward and clutched at the figure1 but its impetus threw him down on to the floor1 where its steel-cased feet laid bare his cheek4 ,the thing evidently did not intend to part with its prize easily4 ,had anyone retained a cool head1 the figure1 one cannot help thinking1 might easily have been stopped4 ,two or three men acting in concert might have lifted it bodily off the floor1 or have jammed it into a corner4 ,but few human heads are capable of remaining cool under excitement4 ,those who are not present think how stupid must have been those who were2 those who are reflect afterwards how simple it would have been to do this1 that1 or the other1 if only they had thought of it at the time4 ,the women grew hysterical4 ,the men shouted contradictory directions to one another4 ,two of them made a bungling rush at the figure1 which had the result of forcing it out of its orbit in the centre of the room1 and sending it crashing against the walls and furniture4 ,a stream of blood showed itself down the girl's white frock1 and followed her along the floor4 ,the affair was becoming horrible4 ,the women rushed screaming from the room4 ,the men followed them4 ,one sensible suggestion was made3 ',find ,geibel--fetch ,geibel4' ,no one had noticed him leave the room1 no one knew where he was4 ,a party went in search of him4 ,the others1 too unnerved to go back into the ball-room1 crowded outside the door and listened4 ,they could hear the steady whir of the wheels upon the polished floor as the thing spun round and round2 the dull thud as every now and again it dashed itself and its burden against some opposing object and ricocheted off in a new direction4 ,and everlastingly it talked in that thin ghostly voice1 repeating over and over the same formula3 ',how charming you are looking to-night4 ,what a lovely day it has been4 ,oh1 don't be so cruel4 ,i could go on dancing for ever--with you4 ,have you had supper8' ,of course they sought for ,geibel everywhere but where he was4 ,they looked in every room in the house1 then they rushed off in a body to his own place1 and spent precious minutes in waking up his deaf old housekeeper4 ,at last it occurred to one of the party that ,wenzel was missing also1 and then the idea of the counting-house across the yard presented itself to them1 and there they found him4 ,he rose up1 very pale1 and followed them2 and he and old ,wenzel forced their way through the crowd of guests gathered outside1 and entered the room1 and locked the door behind them4 ,from within there came the muffled sound of low voices and quick steps1 followed by a confused scuffling noise1 then silence1 then the low voices again4 ,after a time the door opened1 and those near it pressed forward to enter1 but old ,wenzel's broad shoulders barred the way4 ',i want you--and you1 ,bekler1' he said1 addressing a couple of the elder men4 ,his voice was calm1 but his face was deadly white4 ',the rest of you1 please go--get the women away as quickly as you can4' ,from that day old ,nicholaus ,geibel confined himself to the making of mechanical rabbits and cats that mewed and washed their faces4 99 99 99 ,we agreed that the moral of ,mac,shaugnassy's story was a good one4 7,to be continued47 ,on ,pilgrims and the ,pilgrim ,spirit by ,a4 ,adams ,martin4 ,illustration3 ,then longe folk to go on pilgrimages1 ,and palmers for to seeke strange strands ,to ferne hallows couth in sundry lands4 ,in the good old times1 when a man wanted a little change from the bosom of his family--in those days a somewhat restricted bosom--he went on a crusade1 or a pilgrimage4 ,what if he did spend his time and substance on that which1 from a worldly standpoint1 profited not--absenting himself from home and friends for periods of time lengthy enough to afford a modern wife good grounds for a divorce--was it not all meritorious8 ,heaven1 he fondly believed1 would more than pay his travelling expenses by a large cheque to his credit on the next world1 whilst he had the pleasure of the journey in this3 an ingenious method of seeing something of both6 ,and so he donned his pilgrim weeds1 and his cockle hat and shoon--as all good chroniclers tell us--and hied him off to ,canterbury or ,cologne1 ,rome1 ,jerusalem1 or ,timbuctoo4 ,mrs4 ,pilgrim was left at home to play patience1 and to keep the house and bairns4 ,she was generally a long-suffering creature1 but sometimes she did get into mischief4 ,she could not always spin yarn1 so she occasionally varied her task by weaving nets--traps for the unwary who was not a pilgrim4 ,but if she got into mischief1 she paid the penalty2 my lord invariably cut off her head with his scimitar when he returned home--if she waited for that--and there was an end of the matter4 ,there was no ,divorce ,court in the good old days1 and a woman's head did not count for much4 ,but these slight casualties never diminished the ardour of the pilgrim spirit3 the pilgrim increased and multiplied1 and sought new shrines as well as new wives4 ,to slightly vary the words of the poet1 ,shrine after shrine his rising raptures fill4 ,but still he sighs--for shrines are wanting still4 ,the law of supply and demand1 however1 worked as surely then as now2 and as pilgrims increased to venerate1 objects increased to be venerated4 ,there is a good story told by the ,arabs--it was given by ,dr4 ,samuel ,jessup in one of his contributions to ,picturesque ,palestine some years ago--and it is an apt illustration of this supply and demand principle4 ,illustration3 ,,ran ,,away ,,with ,,his ,,master',s ,,donkey4 ,there was a certain ,sheik-,mohammed who1 once upon a time1 was the keeper of a wely or shrine1 supposed by the faithful to be the tomb of an eminent ,saint1 and so largely frequented by them that the ,sheik grew rich from their costly offerings4 ,his servant ,ali1 however1 receiving but a small share of the profits1 ran away to the south of the ,jordan1 taking with him his master's donkey4 ,the animal died on the way1 and ,ali1 having covered his body with a heap of stones1 sat down in despair4 ,a passer-by enquired the cause of his sorrow1 and ,ali replied that he had just found the tomb of an eminent ,saint2 the man kissed the stones1 gave ,ali a present1 and passed on his way4 ,the news of the holy shrine spread throughout the land1 and pilgrims thronged to visit it3 ,ali became rich1 built a fine ,kubbeh 7,dome71 and was envied by all the ,sheiks4 ,mohammed1 hearing of the new shrine1 and finding his own eclipsed by it1 made a pilgrimage to it himself1 in hopes of finding out the source of its great repute4 ,finding ,ali in charge1 he asked1 in a whisper1 if he would tell him the name of the ,saint whose tomb he kept charge of4 ,i will1 replied ,ali1 on condition that you tell me the name of your ,saint4 ,mohammed consented1 and ,ali then whispered1 ,god alone is great6 ,this is the tomb of the donkey ,i stole from you4 ,mashallah6 cried ,mohammed1 and my 'wely' is the tomb of that donkey's father6 ,methinks ,palestine has not a monopoly of the long-eared and long-suffering race1 either living or dead6 ,but we have changed all that2 as we have a good many other things4 ,saints and their shrines are out of fashion4 ,it is an age of seeing1 not believing1 we say complacently2 and we laugh with superior wisdom at the follies of our forefathers1 and the relics they went so far to adore--relics which1 like the fabled frog1 by trying to swell themselves to greater and still greater dimensions1 ended in growing a little too extensive for their ultimate good4 ,saints1 like sinners1 can only have two legs apiece1 we all know2 but the saints of our ancestors1 if their relics spoke truly1 must have been saintly centipedes3 of making new limbs there was no end1 and1 as their numbers increased1 reverence waned1 till hey6--the bubble of credulity burst at last1 as did the frog6 ,but if the heavenly profitability was cut off by this collapse of superstition1 or eclipse of faith--call it which you will--the habit of pleasurable moving remained2 stronger by the force of repeated custom throughout all past times3 we keep the shell1 but we cunningly substitute a new kernel in the place of the exploded core of heretofore4 ,we go a pilgrimage still1 but your modern spirit is now the pilgrim of ,health1 ,pleasure1 ,science1 ,art1 and such-like--all high-sounding names to conjure by2 and the world1 that old time-server1 ever seeking to accommodate itself to the new ways of its inhabitants1 is ever supplying us with a new ,spa1 a new old master1 or masterpiece1 a newly dug-up ruin1 or hieroglyph1 or ,dark ,continent1 or--for even the humblest tripper is not forgotten--a new ,mudport-on-,sea4 ,the shrines of our forefathers' worship have crept back into favour by hiding themselves in the voluminous draperies of ,history or ,art4 ,our appetite for shows is omnivorous1 and we don't object to a shrine if it has a ,gothic moulding sufficiently cute1 or a ,byzantine roof1 or some other attraction--are we not pilgrims of ,art8--though if called upon to define our roof or moulding many of us might be considerably nonplussed1 taking refuge in describing one as a thing with a round top1 and the other as a sort of stone trimming1 don't you know4 ,i remember once reading a child's tale--,i have forgotten where1 for it was many years ago--but the drift of the story was too good to forget4 ,it was about a small pig who lived with his mother in a stye which possessed but a limited front yard4 ,piggy had the pilgrim spirit1 and sighed to escape to pastures new1 to see what lay beyond his little wall4 ,one day his chance came--he escaped somehow1 and made a pilgrimage round the farmyard1 where the strange things he saw either frightened him dreadfully1 or were utterly unintelligible to his piggish mind4 ,he was so frightened by the roaring of a bull that he fled with great precipitation home1 where he gave a glowing account of his travels to his mother4 ,illustration3 ,,pilgrims ,,of ,,art4 ,yes1 he said1 ,i have seen the world4 ,it is square1 and it has a wall all round it1 to keep the pigs from falling off1 of course4 ,i saw some queer white pigs1 with only two legs--think of that6 ,they said ',quack1 quack'--that is what they say in the world1 you know1 but1 of course1 you don't understand4 ,then ,i saw a great red pig1 who cried1 ',mou-e-e-e6' ,there is but one such pig in the world1 and ,i have seen it4 ,i am content to live quietly now1 for ,i have seen the whole world6 ,who has not seen that smug satisfaction of small souls as reflected by piggy8 ,there is a great deal in looking wise even if you don't feel so4 ,talk always of your dones1 and leave out the undones4 ,most of us have heard of the apocryphal ,american who does ,europe in a fortnight6 ,i cannot say that ,i have actually met that gentleman1 but ,i have met pilgrims1 both ,english and ,american1 who will tell you grandly that they have done--say ,rome1 in two1 nay in one day6 ,all the antiquities1 of course1 and the ,museums2 and then comes a string of names of churches1 and galleries1 until you gasp for breath6 ,you go away and lean against something to recover your breath1 and your gravity1 but the pilgrimage is an accomplished fact4 ,they have a right to stick to the cockle-shell in their cap1 so to speak1 and go home saying1 ,oh1 yes6 ,we have done ,rome1 or ,italy1 or ,egypt1 thoroughly2 missed nothing6 ,if one could take an impression of one of these pilgrim's brains by ,kodak1 one would get some queer results in chaos1 rather like the game of family post--the ,raphael frescoes transferring themselves to ,karnak1 and the ,sphinx hiding in the ,catacombs1 whilst pictures1 statuary1 and shrines of cult executed a ,bacchanalian dance on a gigantic scale all round4 ,but results do not alter facts2 and in these busy days people are generally content to see your tree of knowledge2 they have no time to climb its branches to look for the fruit of wisdom6 ,we have changed our pilgrim weeds for an ulster of the latest cut1 and our ,missal for a ,murray or ,baedeker1 but are we really so much wiser than our forefathers8 ,alas6 we have but changed the object1 and human nature1 gullible ever1 sees no reason why it should not flock in thousands to drop a visiting card into the tomb 7so called7 of ,juliet at ,verona1 with as fond credulity as their fathers1 when they deposited their candle at the tomb of some miracle-working saint2 with this difference1 however--that the latter was deposited for the glory and praise of the saint1 and the former of the sinner himself4 ,who could say1 after that1 that he had not seen it6 ,i happened1 when there1 to make some irreverent remarks about that tomb4 ,i had walked out to see it on a hot afternoon1 and ,i found it inconveniently far4 ,one is accustomed to have these places grouped1 and ,i was displeased with ,juliet for not being buried nearer home--it was an oversight--but perhaps it had been arranged for the benefit of the carriage-drivers4 ,juliet was public-spirited1 and thought of all classes1 and their interests4 ,i did not think of all these extenuating circumstances then1 however1 and so ,i said unbelieving things about her tomb4 ,the custode was deeply pained1 as an orthodox custode ought to be4 ,he remonstrated with me first1 and then he pointed to the wall4 ,ecco1 ,signor6 e scritto1 e scritto e verissimo6 ,illustration3 ,,ecco1 ,,signor6 ,and there indeed it was written1 in good set terms1 and in two or three languages1 for the benefit of all non-literary or unbelieving pilgrims4 ,i have often thought since how many people there are1 like my friend the custode1 to whom the magic it is written is sufficient ground for their faith1 without further consideration as to when and how4 ,some time ago a friend of mine encountered a portly ,western ,american tourist at ,kenilworth4 ,he came in a hurry1 and asked to be shown the part wrote up by ,scott4 ,he gazed for a few minutes1 and then departed as quickly as he came4 ,to him ,kenilworth was merely a place wrote up by ,scott1 and no doubt he had ,warwick and ,stratford-on-,avon to see that same afternoon1 before going on to ,liverpool4 ,there are pilgrims who certainly carry a feeling of duty into all things4 ,wherever they go they mean work6 ,this quality pre-eminently distinguishes the ,english-speaking world1 and it always fills our ,continental1 or ,oriental1 neighbours with lazy wonder4 ,oh1 these ,englishwomen6 they have legs and stomachs of bronze6 ,i once heard an ,italian say4 ,we are inclined to overdo it4 ,i think an occasional rest-day is as necessary to the tired brain as the photographer's dark room is to the development of the negative impression--without it the brain would1 indeed1 record a negative impression4 ,but ,i am straying from ,juliet's tomb1 and the subject of unlimited faith4 ,only make a thing possible1 and1 if there is an undercurrent of desire to believe it1 the large majority will swallow almost anything with what theologians call simple faith4 ,the if is an important one--the key to the situation4 ,we believe readily when it is agreeable to do so1 and all pilgrims have ever sought to heighten the attractions of the objects of their interest4 ,it adds to their own enjoyment of them1 and1 after all1 is it not a reflex compliment to ourselves8 ,if there is but one such pig in the world1 have not ,i seen it8 ,illustration3 ,,lured ,,men ,,to ,,destruction4 ,have you ever noticed the effect of the expression1 ,they say8 ,if we say ,tom1 or ,dick1 or ,harry1 says so and so1 ,tom is no better authority than ,dick1 nor are both together much better than ,harry4 ,but if we say1 indefinitely1 ,they say so and so1 there is a mysterious potency in the unknown quantity which leads1 if not to universal belief1 at least to universal transmission4 ,yes1 it is an interesting spot4 ,they say that a princess is buried here who was laid under a potent spell by a mighty wizard1 long1 long ago1 etc42 or ,they tell of a beauteous maiden who sat on this rock1 in the far past1 and sang1 and thus lured men to destruction1 etc4 ,illustration ,he or she is always swallowed up by the mists of obscurity--oh1 ye mists of obscurity1 ye have much to answer for6 ,we do not care to dispute with ,they his superior information--even if we could find him2 for he seems to reside permanently in the aforesaid mists himself2 only issuing forth1 like a valiant knight1 to rescue the fair maidens--,fact1 or ,fiction--from the jaws of the dragon ,oblivion6 ,what he is1 we leave to the learned1 who could no doubt dispose of him suitably in connection with the highly convenient solar myths1 as a ,potent ,rescuing ,power6 ,as for us1 we meddle not with the mists3 we rather like the delicious glow of their luminous dimness1 which glorifies the past if it clouds it2 and which softens off the hardness of our prosaic modern life1 as a summer haze our ,english landscape4 ,we are delighted to get hold of an ancient legend1 whether of headless horseman or housekeeper1 pixie or wizard4 ,even in that happy hunting ground of the ,modern ,spirit1 the ,united ,states of ,america1 the old legends linger still1 if but faintly4 ,the soil of a new country does not grow sentiment of this sort readily1 but the plant is indigenous to the human heart2 and its fair flowers have been gathered and wreathed around their pages by many an essayist and poet4 ,we cannot do without the element of mystery in our life1 however we may represent it4 ,it is part of the spirit within us1 and we find it in everything around us4 ,it is the veil of ,isis which science1 her worshipper1 is ever trying to lift1 but cannot4 ,the muse of ,inspiration pours forth her melodious voice1 like the nightingale1 in the darkness and the shady covert4 ,we listen to her song with entranced ears2 a few whose spirits are finely touched1 try to repeat it2 but who has ever seen her2 the soul that animates1 the spirit that inspires6 ,our life itself is a mystery--the ,past and ,future--are they not the wings of the ,spirit of ,time which are brooding over our ,present8 ,when they are lifted--when the mighty pinions are outspread for flight--then the shadows will flee for ever1 for the great ,daybreak of ,eternity will have begun6 ,illustration3 ,,science ,,lifting ,,the ,,veil ,,of ,,isis4 ,without the spirit of mystery1 the mother of enquiry--of romance1 the days of pilgrimage would be ended4 ,if it is a mere matter of rest1 and of oiling the wheels of the machine for a fresh grind1 ,mudport-on-,sea will do well enough2 but ,mudport-on-,sea can never satisfy the hunger of the curious soul for the beautiful2 the marvellous2 all that is in itself lovely1 or that has lived in the past1 and caught a brighter glow from its rainbow reflections4 ,one spot of ground may content the naturalist1 or the ,buddhist sage1 for one can find a world of wondrous thought in the smallest leaf--a microcosm in a dew-drop2 and the other can send his soul off on aerial pilgrimages1 though his body may be in chains6 ,but we are not all either natural or transcendental philosophers2 our appetite requires not one leaf1 but many1 for our powers of assimilation are not great enough to draw spiritual sustenance from one alone2 and so1 like the caterpillar1 when we have finished our leaf1 we crawl to another4 ,but this spirit of curiosity1 or unrest1 is all owing to lack of self-culture1 cry some4 ,perhaps it is--some of it4 ,no doubt the cocoon stage of rest and self-development is higher1 and nearer to the ultimate perfection--the winged creature which soars above where others crawl--but until we are fit to be cocoons1 and evolve butterflies1 we must be content with our caterpillar instincts4 ,people speak scornfully of mere curiosity1 but it is only worthless when it bears no fruit4 ,curiosity1 in itself1 is a healthy1 natural instinct1 which we see to perfection in the small child4 ,toddie's speech in ,helen's ,babies1 ,want to shee wheels go wound1 is the pilgrim spirit epitomised4 ,we hear of the watch1 and we want to see it2 we see it1 and then we want to hold it2 we hear it tick1 and we want to open it2 and then we would like to shee wheels go wound constantly1 and if we cannot1 we kick at the prohibition6 ,curiosity may be a worthless element in life when idle1 but when otherwise1 is it not the mainspring of the watch8 ,think of the manifold results of mere curiosity1 when rightly persevered in6 ,but then we change the name--it becomes insight--research--it becomes a power which can climb the dizziest height1 and dive the deepest depths1 to bring to us their treasures--the star--the pearl6 ,illustration ,a ,college ,idyl4 ,,by ,s4 ,,gordon4 ,,illustrations ,,by ,a4 ,h4 ,,fisher4 ----- ,illustration ,night it was--nay1 nearer morning1 ,snores and nightmares whisked about1 ,and the pallid moon gave warning ,that her lamp was nearly out4 ,twain we sat1 and ruminated ,on the world1 its joys and ills1 ,what we loved1 and what we hated1 ,woman1 wine--exams and bills4 ,illustration ,often1 too1 with short-lived splendour1 ,flashed the ready epigram1 ,thoughts we uttered1 soft and tender1 ,ending in a smothered ----2 ,all the truths and lies of ages ,compassed we in one short breath1 ,flouted whims of priests and sages1 ,lightly toyed with life and death4 ,illustration ,men and manners1 saints and sinners1 ,all and more we touched upon1 ,how the worst were ever winners1 ,for we yet had never won2 ,and we cursed at superstition1 ,villain smiles1 and sects1 and cants1 ,hurled to ruin and perdition ,all the tribe of sycophants-- ,illustration ,queried1 thinking of cold faces1 ,colder hearts of living stone1 ,why our lot within such places1 ,why upon such days was thrown2 ,in our years' maturing crescent ,spied we how our fate was fraught1 ,spanned the future and the present ,with the flimsy bridge of thought4 ,so the morn came1 pale and haggard1 ,lighting up our sunken eyes1 ,and we rose and thither staggered ,whence we would but slowly rise2 ,plain our footsteps1 weak and frisky1 ,told their moral--speak who can-- ,midnight words and midnight whiskey ,play the devil with a man6 ,illustration ,illustration3 7,,from ,a ,,photograph ,,by ,,messrs4 ,,elliott ,,and ,,fry47 ,my ,first ,book4 ,,by ,f4 ,w4 ,,robinson4 ,,illustrations ,,by ,,geo4 ,,hutchinson4 ----- ,illustration ,illustration3 ,,at ,,twenty4 ,it is a far cry back to #ahec1 when dreams of writing a book had almost reached the boundary line of probable events4 ,i was then a pale1 long-haired1 consumptive-looking youth1 who had been successful in prize poems--for there were prize competitions even in those far-off days--and in acrostics1 and in the acceptance of one or two short stories1 which had been actually published in a magazine that did not pay for contributions 7it was edited by a clergyman of the ,church of ,england1 too1 and the chaplain to a real ,duke71 and which magazine has gone the way of many magazines1 and is now as extinct as the ,dodo4 ,it was in the year #ahec1 or a month or two earlier1 that ,i wrote my first novel--which1 upon a moderate computation1 ,i think1 would make four or five good-sized library volumes1 but ,i have never attempted to scale the manuscript4 ,it is in my possession still1 although ,i have not seen it for many weary years4 ,it is buried with a heap more rubbish in a respectable old oak chest1 the key of which is even lost to me4 ,and yet that ,,ms4 was the turning-point of my small literary career4 ,and it is the history of that manuscript which leads up to the publication of my first novel2 my first step1 though ,i did not know it1 and hence it is part and parcel of the history of my first book--a link in the chain4 ,illustration3 ,,elmore ,,house4 ,when that manuscript was completed1 it was read aloud1 night after night1 to an admiring audience of family members1 and pronounced as fit for publication as anything of ,dickens or ,thackeray or ,bulwer1 who were then in the full swing of their mighty capacities4 ,alas6 ,i was a better judge than my partial and amiable critics4 ,i had very grave doubts--qualms1 ,i think they are called--and ,i had read that it was uphill work to get a book published1 and swagger through the world as a real live being who had actually written a novel4 ,there was a faint hope1 that was all2 and so1 with my ,,ms4 under my arm1 ,i strolled into the palatial premises of ,messrs4 ,hurst and ,blackett 7successors to ,henry ,colburn they proudly designated themselves at that period71 laid my heavy parcel on the counter1 and waited1 with fear and trembling1 for someone to emerge from the galleries of books and rows of desks beyond1 and enquire the nature of my business4 ,and here ensued my first surprise--quite a dramatic coincidence--for the tall1 spare1 middle-aged gentleman who advanced from the shadows towards the counter1 proved1 to my intense astonishment1 to be a constant chess antagonist of mine at ,kling's ,chess ,rooms1 round the corner1 in ,new ,oxford ,street--rooms which have disappeared long ago1 along with ,horwitz1 ,harrwitz1 ,loewenthal1 ,williams1 and other great chess lights of those far-away times1 who were to be seen there1 night after night1 prepared for all comers4 ,kling's was a great chess house1 and ,i was a chess enthusiast1 as well as a youth who wanted to get into print4 ,failing literature1 ,i had made up my mind to become a chess champion1 if possible1 although ,i knew already1 by quiet observation of my antagonists1 that in that way madness lay1 sheer uncontrollable1 raging madness--for me at any rate4 ,and the grave1 middle-aged gentleman behind the counter of #ac1 ,great ,marlborough ,street1 proved to be the cashier of the firm1 and used--being chess-mad like the rest of us--to spend his evenings at ,kling's4 ,he was a player of my own strength1 and for twelve months or so had ,i skirmished with him over the chessboard1 and fought innumerable battles with him4 ,he had never spoken of his occupation1 or ,i of my restless ambitions--chess players never go far beyond the chequered board4 ,illustration3 ,,at ,,thirty4 ,hallo1 ,robinson6 he exclaimed1 in his surprise1 you don't mean to say that you---- ,and then he stopped and regarded my youthful appearance very critically4 ,yes1 ,mr4 ,kenny--it's a novel1 ,i said1 modestly2 my first4 ,there's plenty of it1 he remarked1 drily4 ,i'll send it upstairs at once4 ,and ,i'll wish you luck too2 but1 he added1 kindly1 preparing to soften the shock of a future refusal1 we have plenty of these come in--about seven a day--and most of them go back to their writers again4 ,ye-es1 ,i suppose so1 ,i answered1 with a sigh4 ,for awhile1 however1 ,i regarded the meeting as a happy augury--a lucky coincidence4 ,i even had the vain1 hopeless notion that ,mr4 ,kenny might put in a good word for me1 ask for special consideration1 out of that kindly feeling which we had for each other1 and which chess antagonists have invariably for each other1 ,i am inclined to believe4 ,but though we met three or four times a week1 from that day forth not one word concerning the fate of my manuscript escaped the lips of ,mr4 ,kenny4 ,it is probable the incident had passed from his memory2 he had nothing to do with the novel department itself1 and the delivery of ,,mss4 was a very common everyday proceeding to him4 ,i was too bashful1 perhaps too proud1 an individual to ask any questions of him2 but every evening that ,i encountered him ,i used to wonder if he had heard anything1 if any news of the book's fate had reached him1 directly or indirectly2 occasionally even1 as time went on1 ,i was disposed to imagine that he was letting me win the game out of kindness--for he was a gentle1 kindly soul always--in order to soften the shock of a disappointment which he knew perfectly well was on its way towards me4 ,illustration3 ,,mr4 ,,robinson',s ,,library4 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,garden4 ,some months afterwards1 the fateful letter came to me from the firm1 regretting their inability to make use of the ,,ms41 and expressing many thanks for a perusal of the same--a polite1 concise1 all-round kind of epistle1 which a publisher is compelled to keep in stock1 and to send out when rejected literature pours forth like a waterfall from the dusky caverns of a publishing house in a large way of business4 ,it was all over1 then--,i had failed6 ,from that hour ,i would turn chess player1 and soften my brain in a quest for silver cups or champion amateur stakes4 ,i could play chess better than ,i could write fiction1 ,i was sure4 ,still1 after some days of dead despair1 ,i sent the ,,ms4 once more on its travels--this time to ,smith and ,elder's1 whose reader1 ,mr4 ,williams1 had leapt into singular prominence since his favourable judgment of ,charlotte ,bronte's book1 and to whom most ,,mss4 flowed spontaneously for many years afterwards4 ,and in due course of time1 ,mr4 ,williams1 acting for ,messrs4 ,smith and ,elder1 asked me to call upon him--for the ,,ms46--at ,cornhill1 and there ,i received my first advice1 my first thrill of exultation4 ,presently1 and probably1 and with perseverance1 he said1 you will succeed in literature1 and if you will remember now1 that to write a good novel is a very considerable achievement4 ,years of short story-writing is the best apprenticeship for you4 ,write and re-write1 and spare no pains4 ,i thanked him1 and ,i went home with tears in my eyes of gratitude and consolation1 though my big story had been declined with thanks4 ,but ,i did not write again4 ,i put away my ,,ms41 and went on for six or eight hours a day at chess for many idle months before ,i was in the vein for composition1 and then1 with a sudden dash1 ,i began ,the ,house of ,elmore4 ,it was half finished when another strange incident in its little way occurred4 ,i received one morning a letter from ,lascelles ,wraxall 7afterwards ,sir ,lascelles ,wraxall1 ,bart41 as the reader may be probably aware71 informing me that he was one of the readers for ,messrs4 ,hurst and ,blackett1 and that it had been his duty some time ago to decide unfavourably against a story which ,i had submitted to the notice of his firm1 but that he had intended to write to me a private note urging me to adopt literature as a profession4 ,his principal object in writing at that time was to suggest my trying the fortunes of the novel which he had already read with ,messrs4 ,routledge1 and he kindly added a letter of introduction to that firm in the ,broadway--an introduction which1 by the way1 never came to anything4 ,illustration3 ,,the ,,drawing-,,room4 ,poor ,lascelles ,wraxall1 clever writer and editor1 pressman and literary adviser1 real ,bohemian and true friend--indeed1 everybody's friend but his own--,i never think of him but with feelings of deep gratitude4 ,he was a rolling stone1 and when ,i met him for the first time in my life1 years afterwards1 he had left ,marlborough ,street for the ,crimea2 he had been given a commission in the ,turkish ,contingent at ,kertch2 he had come back anathematising the service1 and chock full of grievances against the ,government1 and he became once more editor and sub-editor1 and publisher's hack even at last1 until he stepped into his baronetcy--an empty title1 for he had sold the reversion of the estates for a mere song long ago--and became special correspondent in ,austria for the ,daily ,telegraph4 ,and in ,vienna he died1 young in years still--not forty1 ,i think--closing a life that only wanted one turn more of application1 ,i have often thought1 to have achieved very great distinction4 ,there are still a few writing men about who remember ,lascelles ,wraxall1 but they are the boys of the old brigade4 ,it was to ,lascelles ,wraxall ,i sent1 when finished1 ,the ,house of ,elmore1 the reader may very easily guess4 ,wraxall had stepped so much out of his groove--for the busy literary man that he was--to take me by the hand1 and point the way along the perilous road2 he had given me so many kind words1 that ,i wrote my hardest to complete my new story before ,i should fade wholly from his recollection4 ,the book was finished in five weeks1 and in hot haste1 and for months again ,i was left wondering what the outcome of it all was to be--whether ,wraxall was reading my story1 or whether--oh1 horror6--some other reader less kindly disposed1 and more austere and critical1 and hard to please1 had been told off to sit in judgment upon my second ,,ms4 ,illustration ,,at ,,forty4 ,i went back to chess for a distraction till the fate of that book was pronounced or sealed--it was always chess in the hours of my distress and anxiety--and ,i once again faced ,charles ,kenny1 and once again wondered if he knew1 and how much he knew1 whilst he was deep in his king's gambit or his giuoco-piano2 but he was not even aware that ,i had sent in a second story1 ,i learned afterwards4 ,and then at last came the judgment--the pleasant1 if formal1 notice from ,marlborough ,street that the novel had been favourably reported upon by the reader1 and that ,messrs4 ,hurst and ,blackett would be pleased to see me at ,marlborough ,street to talk the matter of its publication over with me4 ,ah6 what a letter that was6--what a surprise1 after all6--what a good omen6 ,and some three months afterwards1 at the end of the year #ahed1 my first book--but my second novel--was launched into the reading world1 and ,i have hardly got over the feeling yet that ,i had actually a right to dub myself a novelist6 ,illustration3 ,,mr4 ,,robinson ,,at ,,work4 ,when the first three notices of the book appeared1 wild dreams of a brilliant future beset me4 ,they were all favourable notices--too favourable2 but ,john ,bull1 ,the ,press1 and ,bell's ,messenger 7,i think they were the papers7 scattered favourable notices indiscriminately at that time4 ,presently the ,athenaeum sobered me a little1 but wound up with a kindly pat on the back1 and the ,saturday ,review1 then in its seventh number1 drenched me with vitriolic acid1 and brought me to a lower level altogether2 and finally the ,morning ,herald blew a loud blast to my praise and glory--that last notice1 ,i believe1 having been written by my old friend ,sir ,edward ,clarke1 then a very young reviewer on the ,herald staff1 with no dreams of becoming ,her ,majesty's ,solicitor-,general just then6 ,and the ,house of ,elmore actually paid its publishers' expenses1 and left a balance1 and brought me in a little cheque1 and thus my writing life began in sober earnest4 ,told by the ,colonel4 ,,xi4 ,,hoskins',s ,,pets4 ,,by ,w4 ,l4 ,,alden4 ,,illustrations ,,by ,r4 ,,jack4 ----- ,yes6 said the ,colonel1 reflectively1 ,i've been almost everywhere in my time except in gaol1 and ,i've been in a great deal worse places than a first-class ,american gaol with all the modern improvements4 ,the fact is1 that philanthropic people have gone so far in improving the condition of prisoners1 that most of our prisons are rather better than most of our hotels4 ,at any rate1 they are less expensive1 and the guests are treated with more respect4 ,i never could understand the craze that some people have for prisoners4 ,for instance1 in ,new ,york and ,chicago1 the young ladies have a society for giving flowers to murderers4 ,whenever a man is convicted of murder and sentenced to be hung1 the girls begin to heave flowers into his cell till he can't turn round without upsetting a vase of roses1 or a big basin full of pansies1 and getting his feet wet4 ,i once knew a murderer who told me that if anything could reconcile him to being hung it would be getting rid of the floral tributes that the girls lavished on him4 ,you see he was one of the leading murderers in that section of country1 and consequently he received about a cartload of flowers every day4 ,illustration3 ,,heave ,,flowers ,,into ,,his ,,cell4 ,i had a neighbour when ,i lived in ,new ,berlinopolisville who was the ,president of the ,society for ,ameliorating the ,condition of ,prisoners1 and he was the craziest man on the subject that ,i ever met4 ,his name was ,hoskins--,colonel ,uriah ,hoskins--and he was the author of the ,hoskins ,bill that attracted so much attention when it was before the ,legislature1 though it never became a law4 ,the bill provided that every prisoner should have a sitting room as well as a sleeping room1 and that it should be furnished with a piano1 a banjo1 a library1 a typewriter1 a wine cooler1 and a whist table2 that the prisoner should be permitted to hold two weekly receptions1 to which everybody should be allowed to come1 and that he should be taught any branch of study that he might care to take up1 books and masters being1 of course1 supplied free4 ,colonel ,hoskins used to insist that the only thing that made a man go wrong was the lack of kindness1 and that the sure way to reform a criminal was to treat him with so much kindness that he would grow ashamed of being wicked1 and would fall on everybody's neck and devote the rest of his life to weeping tears of repentance and singing hymns of joy4 ,illustration3 ,,drew ,,up ,a ,,beautiful ,,notice4 ,while ,colonel ,hoskins was fond of all styles of criminals1 burglars were his particular pets4 ,according to him1 a burglar was more deserving of kindness than any other man4 ',how would you like it1' he used to say1 'if you had to earn your living by breaking into houses in the middle of the night1 instead of sleeping peacefully in your bed8 ,do you think you would be full of good thoughts after you had been bitten by the watch-dog and fired at by the man of the house1 and earned nothing by your labour except a bad cold and the prospect of hydrophobia8 ,there is nothing more brutal than the way in which society treats the burglar1 and so long as society refuses to put him in the way of earning an easier and less dangerous living1 he cannot be blamed if he continues to practise his midnight profession4' ,i must say this for ,colonel ,hoskins4 ,he did not confine himself to talk1 like many other philanthropists1 but he was already trying to carry out his principles4 ,he really meant what he said about burglars1 and there isn't the least doubt that he had more sympathy for them than he had for the honest men of his acquaintance4 ,when people asked him what he would do if he woke up in the night and found a burglar in his house1 and whether or not he would shoot at him1 he said that he would as soon think of shooting at his own wife1 and that he would undertake to reform that burglar then and there by kindness alone4 ,once somebody said to ,hoskins that he ought really to let the burglars know his feelings towards them1 and ,hoskins said that he would do it without delay4 ,that same day he drew up a beautiful ',notice to ,burglars1' and had it printed in big letters and framed and hung up in the dining-room of his house4 ,it read in this way3 ',burglars are respectfully informed that the silver-ware is all plated1 and that the proprietor of this house never keeps ready money on hand4 ,cake and wine will be found in the dining-room closet1 and burglars are cordially invited to rest and refresh themselves4 ,please wipe your feet on the mat1 and close the window when leaving the house4' ,colonel ,hoskins took a good deal of pride in that notice4 ,he showed it to everyone who called at the house1 and said that if other people would follow his example1 and treat burglars like ,christians and gentlemen1 there would soon be an end of burglary1 for the burglars would be so touched by the kindness of their treatment that they would abandon the business and become honoured members of society--insurance presidents1 or bank cashiers1 or church treasurers4 ,he didn't say how the reformed burglars were to find employment in banks and insurance offices1 and such1 but that was a matter of detail1 and he always preferred to devise large and noble schemes1 and leave the working details of them to other men4 ,one morning1 ,colonel ,hoskins1 who was an early riser1 went down to the dining-room before breakfast1 and was surprised to find that he had had a midnight visit from burglars4 ,two empty wine bottles stood on the table1 and all the cake was eaten1 which showed that the burglars had accepted the invitation to refresh themselves4 ,but they did not seem to have accepted it in quite the right spirit4 ,all ,hoskins's spoons and forks lay in a heap in the middle of the floor1 and every one was twisted or broken so as to be good for nothing4 ,the window had been left open1 and the rain had ruined the curtains1 and on a dirty piece of paper the burglars had scrawled with a lead pencil the opinion that ',old ,hoskins is the biggest fule1 and the gol-darndest skinflint in the country4 ,you set out whiskey next time1 or we'll serve you out4' ,hoskins was not in the least cast down by the rudeness of the burglars4 ',poor fellows1' he said1 'they have been so used to bad treatment that they don't altogether appreciate kindness at first4 ,but they will learn4' ,so he laid in some new spoons and forks1 and added a bottle of whiskey to the wine that he kept in the closet for the burglars1 and was as confident as ever that the next gang that might break into his house would be melted into tears and repentance1 and would call him their best and dearest friend4 ,illustration3 ,,every ,,one ,,was ,,twisted ,,or ,,broken4 ,a week or two later ,mrs4 ,hoskins was awakened by a noise in the dining-room1 and1 after waking up her husband1 told him that there were burglars in the house1 and that he must get out of the back window and go for the police4 ,he told her that he was sorry to see her manifest such an unchristian spirit1 and he would show her how burglars ought to be treated4 ,there was not the least doubt that there were burglars in the house1 and they were making a good deal more noise than was strictly consistent with the prospect of rising in their profession1 for no able burglar ever makes any unnecessary noise while engaged in business1 unless1 of course1 he falls over a coal-scuttle1 and then he naturally uses language4 ,st4 ,paul himself would probably say something pretty strong in similar circumstances4 ,hoskins was sincerely delighted to have the opportunity to meet his burglarious friends1 and he lost no time in dressing and descending to the dining-room4 ,he wore his slippers1 and the burglars--there were two of them--did not hear him until he was fairly in the dining-room4 ,they were seated at the table1 with their feet on the damask tablecloth1 and the bottle of whiskey was nearly empty4 ,the ,colonel was much pleased to see that they had not damaged his silver-ware1 and he was just about to thank them when they saw him4 ,they started up1 and one of them caught him by the throat1 while the other held a pistol to his head1 and promised to blow out his brains if he made the slightest noise4 ,then they tied him hand and foot1 gagged him1 and laid him on the floor1 and then sat down to finish the whiskey4 ,illustration3 ,,caught ,,him ,,by ,,the ,,throat4 ,both the burglars were partly drunk1 which accounted for the unprofessional noise they had been making4 ,they talked in rather a low tone1 but ,hoskins could hear everything they said1 and it was not particularly encouraging to a gagged and bound philanthropist4 ,they agreed that he was a fool1 and a stingy fool1 or else he would have kept money in the house1 and would have set out lemons and sugar as well as plain whiskey4 ,they said that any man who treated poor working men in that way wasn't fit to live1 and that ,hoskins would have to be killed1 even if it was not necessary--as it plainly was in this case--to kill him in order to prevent him from appearing at any future time as a witness against them4 ,they admitted that the whiskey was not bad of its kind1 but they were of the opinion that ,hoskins had left it in their way so that they might get drunk and be caught by the police4 ,colonel ,hoskins listened to this conversation with horror1 and the prospect that the drunken rascals would be as good as their word1 and kill him before they left the house1 was only a little more painful than the conviction that his method1 appealing to the better nature of burglars1 had failed for the second time4 ,when the whiskey was exhausted the men rose up and looked at ,hoskins1 and a happy thought struck one of them4 ',thishyer idiot1' he said1 'may not have any money in the house1 but he's bound to have some in the bank1 and he's going to write us a cheque for a thousand dollars1 provided we let him off1 and don't kick his brains out this time4' ,the other burglar1 who was in that benevolent frame of mind that ,irish whiskey and conscious virtue sometimes produce1 agreed to the suggestion1 and ,hoskins was therefore unbound and seated at the table1 and told to draw a cheque at once if he had the least regard for his life4 ,as he was gagged he could not explain to the burglars the kind feelings that he still had towards them1 and the fact that they could not draw the money on the cheque without being captured by the police4 ,so he simply signed the cheque1 and groaned to think that the poor burglars were so slow to be reformed in the way that he had hoped they would be4 ,illustration3 ,,tied ,,him ,,in ,a ,,chair4 ,when this business was over1 the burglars tied ,hoskins's wrists together again1 and then tied him in a chair4 ,then they set to work to do all the damage they could do without making too much noise4 ,they tore the curtains and hacked the piano with knives1 and poured a jug of golden syrup over the carpet4 ,then they plastered ,colonel ,hoskins's face with raspberry jam1 and emptied a sack of flour over his head1 and went away1 telling him that if he ever again ventured to trifle with the feelings of poor but self-respecting men1 they would put him to death by slow tortures4 ,illustration3 ,,made ,,him ,,wash ,,at ,,the ,,pump4 ,hoskins sat in the chair for a couple of hours1 till his wife timidly crept downstairs and released him4 ,it took him a good hour to get the jam and the flour out of his hair and whiskers1 and as ,mrs4 ,hoskins said that he was in no state to enter a decent bedroom1 and made him wash at the pump in the back yard1 he found it a rather cold operation4 ,perhaps it was the remarks that ,mrs4 ,hoskins addressed to him during the operation that irritated him1 for she intimated very plainly that he was no better than a professional idiot1 and when a man's hair is stuck together with jam remarks of this sort from the wife of his bosom seem to be lacking in tenderness4 ,however that may be1 ,colonel ,hoskins had no sooner got himself into what his wife condescended to call a state of comparative decency1 than he took down his ',notice to ,burglars1' and tore it into a thousand pieces4 ,that day he had an electric burglar alarm put into his house2 he bought the savagest dog that he could find1 and he stopped the payment of the cheque1 which1 however1 was never presented4 ,he continued to be the ,president of the ,society for ,ameliorating the ,condition of ,prisoners1 but he steadily refused to ameliorate a single prisoner convicted of burglary1 and while he was always a lunatic in regard to other criminals1 he openly maintained that a burglar was the worst of men1 and that kindness was utterly thrown away upon him4 ,he never had any more burglars in his house1 though the dog now and then lunched off warm leg when some stranger to that part of the country ventured into the ,hoskins's premises at night4 ,hoskins was very fond of the animal1 which was quite right1 but his practice of leaving a bottle of whiskey1 with an ounce of strychnine in it1 on the dining-room table every night1 in case a burglar should succeed in getting into the house1 was1 in my opinion1 going a little too far4 ,antimonial wine would have been much more humane and sufficiently effective4 ,but there is no man who is more severe than a philanthropist who has been turned sour4 ,experiences of a ',varsity ,oar4 ,,by ,,an ,,old ,,blue4 7,f4 ,c4 ,,drake47 ,,illustrations ,,by ,,ernest ,,prater4 ----- ,rowing in the ,university ,boat ,race is not a thing to be undertaken lightly4 ,to begin with1 it involves great muscular exertion2 but this is not unpleasant1 and1 as ,i shall presently show1 is not dangerous4 ,further1 it ties the aspirant to his oar for at least ten weeks1 which is perhaps its greatest disadvantage2 and it involves intense application and a pretty good temper under remarks from the coach that are sometimes almost more than caustic4 ,but against these drawbacks are to be set the pleasure of gratified ambition1 the healthy life1 and1 best of all1 the sensation of the flight of the boat driven by eight men1 of whom none are really bad oarsmen1 and some are uncommonly good4 ,putting these side by side1 no one need wonder that an old ,blue should look on the time he spent at ,putney as one of the best in his life4 ,i will pass over the preliminary work at the ,university1 for it contains nothing novel or interesting1 and is mainly consumed in settling the crew who are finally to row1 and in getting the men hard by long1 steady work1 to get rid of fat and replace it by muscle4 ,the real interest begins when the crew has been settled1 and the men have had their colours given them1 and are looking forward shortly to leaving the home waters4 ,by this time they are fairly fit1 and1 as they have in all cases of doubt had the very best medical opinions1 they are not very likely to go wrong4 ,there is a good deal of nonsense talked about the dangers of this race to health4 ,no man who is not absolutely sound in wind and limb is allowed to begin training at all1 for the obvious reason that the captain does not want one of his men to fail him at the last moment4 ,it is about as probable that a man should go tiger shooting without looking to see if his rifle is loaded1 as that the ,president of a ,university ,boat ,club should select an oarsman who is likely to crock up4 ,it is when the crew leave the home waters that the really enjoyable part of the training begins4 ,the ,cambridge crew generally1 and the ,oxford men not infrequently1 go straight to ,putney1 but a far more pleasant plan is to spend a week or so on the up-river waters before going to the ,metropolitan course4 ,everyone knows ,cookham in its summer dress1 with a plentiful crowd of holiday-makers on the water2 but in the very early spring1 before the foliage has begun to appear1 and when the light-hearted champagne bottle still nestles in its straw1 it has also a very great charm of its own4 ,the fresh air1 and the change to new scenes1 together with the strong stream caused by winter rains1 make the men feel like young bullocks1 and the boat moves with twice the spring it had before4 ,the jolly lounging life in between whiles1 diversified with songs1 saloon-pistols1 and the like1 the pleasant walk over the hills on ,sunday1 and the total freedom from all thoughts and cares1 beyond the beating of a record over the course next day1 all go to make up an ,elysian life4 ,every now and then the amusement is varied by the rather boisterous humour of the elements4 ,some five years ago the state of the tide at ,putney rendered it necessary to do most of the work early in the morning4 ,it was freezing hard1 with occasional showers of snow1 and the coxswain absolutely was able to stand his coat up when he took it off4 ,it had got drenched1 and was frozen stiff6 ,i have several times been in a boat when we had to land and empty out the water1 that had broken over the bow oars in such quantities as almost to sink us4 ,occasionally1 boats have quite sunk from the same cause1 while the men stuck to their thwarts1 presenting a comic appearance as they rowed away1 seated1 as it seemed1 in the water4 ,illustration3 ,a ,,work ,,of ,,genius4 ,a great consideration in estimating the happiness of such a time as this is the question1 ,what did you have to eat8 ,but the answer to this has been given so many times that it would be merely wearisome now to detail the various dishes that are or are not good for training4 ,enough to say that1 as everybody knows1 the old rigorous system of raw beef and beer is a thing of the past--except the beer4 ,nowadays1 it is considered sufficient to banish all very unwholesome things from the table1 while keeping as nearly as possible to each man's ordinary diet4 ,in point of quantity there are practically no restrictions1 unless the ,captain considers that any man does not know when he has had enough 7which1 alas6 may occur72 in which case he may remonstrate with him gently1 but firmly4 ,i have seen a man eat for breakfast a sole and a half1 three chops1 a poached egg1 and some watercress2 but ,i confess that this was regarded as a work of genius4 ,the ordinary man in training eats only about twice as much as any sane person1 or perhaps a little more2 and as1 of course1 the system needs recuperating under the great strains that are put upon it1 this trifling excess has its justification4 ,however1 the result of this wear and tear and repair of the muscular tissue is that the activity of the mind decreases in inverse proportion to that of the body2 and during a hard course of training the rowing man is generally rather sleepy and unintellectual4 ,this matters all the less that studies are forbidden--not a very difficult rule to enforce--during the latter part of the time4 ,but training once over1 the strength and health accumulated can certainly do no harm either physical or mental1 and a healthy body is the best guarantee for an active mind 7see ,latin authors and copybooks passim74 ,illustration3 ,,lapped ,,in ,,profoundest ,,sleep4 ,about three weeks or less before the race a move is made to ,putney1 where1 as a general rule1 very comfortable quarters are provided4 ,the pleasantest of all that the ,oxford crew have had lately has been the ,lyric ,club ,house2 but it is not really a good place for the men's health4 ,lying1 as it does1 just down by the river1 the air is not half so bracing as that of the higher ground4 ,still1 it is undoubtedly very convenient to have a billiard-table or two to while away the men's time in the evening4 ,without something of the kind time is apt to hang very heavily on their hands4 ,conversation flags1 the chairs feel very comfortable after the day's work1 and ,morpheus1 drowsy god1 steals in unawares4 ,now1 this is not only bad hygienically1 but is apt to have very awkward consequences of a different kind4 ,one man more wakeful than the rest casts his eye around1 seeking for his prey4 ,he spies an unfortunate lapped in profoundest sleep4 ,his hand steals out and clutches a book4 ,he hurls it--and in a moment all is confusion4 ,each man1 starting from his guilty slumbers1 springs up to cast the proverbial stone1 and in this case usually a book1 at his fellow-sinner1 vowing that he has been watching the nodding of the victim1 and only waiting for the proper moment to visit him with condign punishment4 ,and so1 with protestations1 objurgations1 and such light and cheerful pastime1 the hours roll away till the happy #aj4cj comes1 when all incontinently roll off to bed4 ,illustration3 ',,take ,,it ,,off4' ,but if the men go to bed early1 they make up for it by rising early too2 and if they are sleepy at night1 they feel delightfully fresh in the morning4 ,a brisk walk over the common sends the human barometer spinning upwards2 they feel ready for any fun that comes in their way4 ,and1 alas6 did not this same buoyancy of spirit not many years ago involve certain respectable oarsmen in a difference with the executive8 ,tacenda1 indeed6 ,yet if a rabbit springs up out of the gorse1 and the dogs are off in full cry1 can nature in such a mood be stubborn8 ,in between whiles the men are left almost entirely to themselves1 and are free to seek what innocent diversion they please4 ,the choice certainly is not very varied4 ,beyond paying a visit to the opposing crew1 chatting with friends who have come to see the practices1 or looking in at the local skittle alley1 there is very little to do4 ,but if they lack diversion themselves1 they do not fail to cause great delight to the juvenile population of ,barnes and ,putney4 ,it must be premised1 for the benefit of all who are not habitues of ,putney1 that the crews always wear during their training the coat and cap of their ,university ,boat ,club1 and flannel trousers4 ,there are reasons which make this a very necessary and laudable practice2 but in the juvenile mind it gives rise to the most uncompromising scorn1 which finds various ways of expressing itself4 ,take it off is one of the most popular of these1 and though it certainly suffers from a lack of originality1 it appears to give great satisfaction4 ,another1 more recondite1 but perhaps ironical1 is ,put it on4 ,where's yer trousers8 ,go it1 white legs6 ,who's yer hatter8 and many similar cries1 all testify to the joyous humour of the riverside youth4 ,hardly less amusing are the comments of the crowd as the men pass through to their boat-house4 ,that's ,nickalls1 explains the well-informed gentleman as a ,cambridge man goes by4 ,or1 as the lightweight hurries past1 ,don't look as if 'e could do it1 remarks a bystander1 looks to want a day out at grass for them calves4 ,or1 ',ere1 ,i say1 'e's eat a bit of beef in his day1 ,i know1 as the heavy man comes in sight4 ,it is a good-humoured crowd1 and if the strong tobacco is a bit offensive when one's not allowed to smoke oneself1 things can't be always as we should like them to be4 ,illustration3 ',e',s ,,eat ,a ,,bit ,,of ,,beef ,,in ,,his ,,day4 ,illustration3 ,,getting ,,rid ,,of ,,fat4 ,it is the custom for the ,oxford crew to use the ,london ,rowing ,club boat-house1 while the ,cambridge men are accommodated at the ,leander ,club next door1 and there is accordingly a good crowd in front of each at practice times1 eager to see the men on whose prowess their own modest half-crowns are staked4 ,unfortunately1 as some of my readers may have experienced1 it is not always easy to find out the exact time when the crews are going out4 ,in fact1 the ,captain is an autocrat on these occasions1 who rules alike over crew1 critics1 and the general public without distinction of persons1 and who shows a splendid indifference for the latter's convenience4 ,he launches the boat at all kinds of wondrous times1 not shrinking from starting half-an-hour or more before the time he has arranged1 and thus disappointing a number of would-be spectators4 ,it is even said that he often chooses parts of the river for doing the hard work where there are no well-known landmarks1 so that no clear line can be given to the outside public4 ,this may be so4 ,the workings of the ,presidential mind are dark and mysterious4 ,but ,i doubt if the convenience of the public has sufficient weight with him either one way or the other to influence his plans in that manner4 ,and though perhaps this indifference may be carried too far1 yet the idea which underlies it is a perfectly just one4 ,the ,university ,boat ,race began as a private match1 of a more or less impromptu character 7those were the days when they rowed from ,westminster to ,putney in a huge ,noah's ,ark of a boat1 and stopped for beer and biscuits on the way down1 and when1 it is said1 the ,speaker of the ,house of ,commons used to leave the chair to let the ,m4,p4's run out and see the start--but we digress74 ,then1 by degrees1 it attained to its present position of a great festive gathering of the many-headed1 where only about one in every ten cares to glance at the race as it goes by4 ,but1 above all things1 the race is1 and has been1 a purely sporting event4 ,the ,british lion may put on his holiday suit and gamble to his heart's content on the bank1 but the sole concern of the ,captain of either crew is to bring his men well up to the scratch1 and have a thoroughly good1 honest race4 ,he has nothing to do with letting the spectators know the real state of the odds1 or helping them to win their money4 ,it must be confessed that1 in spite of the many pleasures indicated as belonging to this training1 one gets very tired of it1 just as one might tire of living in ,arcadia1 if1 as is probable1 there were no ,club or ,italian ,opera there4 ,it is with considerable joy1 therefore1 that one hails the approach of the race when it is still a week off2 but this feeling is apt to be modified as the days draw on after that4 ,funk1 of course1 attacks everybody more or less2 but its violence differs very widely in different men4 ,many of the most unlikely people are most liable to it2 and it would probably astonish a good many people were ,i to say who is the funkiest oarsman before a race that ,i know4 ,i mean by funk1 not the under-estimating of one's chances--for some of the most nervous men have a very shrewd idea of them--but the irrational excitement which keeps the brain constantly thinking of the impending race1 and prevents the sufferer from sitting still or having any comfort1 or1 in the most serious cases1 any sleep1 for two or three days before it4 ,it is a real malady1 which is most distressing to those who are subject to it1 but which1 luckily1 does not do any harm when once the race is begun4 ,of the race itself there is very little to say1 except one thing1 that could not be said equally well of a hard game of football or a foot race across country4 ,the exertion is1 no doubt1 considerably greater than is involved in either of these1 but the physical sensations are very much the same1 and anyone who has entered for any race at all knows the sort of feeling of desperate resolve which is the pleasure that racing gives4 ,except one thing1 ,i said1 and it is that thing which puts boat racing1 in many people's minds1 far above any other form of sport4 ,it is this1 that while in a foot race a man can leave off as soon as he finds the exertion more than the prize is worth1 and while in football a man may recover his breath in the scrimmage or justifiably leave the work for a moment to the others1 in rowing every man knows that1 by a single careless stroke1 he may throw the whole boat into a confusion from which they often cannot recover for many hundred yards4 ,everyone is expected in a boat race1 and in a ,university race as much as anywhere1 to row his best and hardest every stroke he takes1 and never to slack off at all4 ,if it is considered desirable to save up for a spurt at the finish1 the stroke will do that by putting in a few less strokes to the minute till the time comes4 ,every man behind him is bound in honesty to the rest to shove every stroke through as if there were no hereafter2 and when the hereafter comes1 as it does about ,chiswick ,eyot1 he will have to rely on the thorough condition he is in to pull him through4 ,it follows that the whole secret of a good crew is that each man rows hard because it would not be fair to his neighbours in the boat if he rowed lightly1 not entirely because he wants to win the race4 ,i do not want to disparage other sports in the least degree2 pluck enters into them fully as much as into rowing4 ,the difference lies in the incentive4 ,boat races1 of course1 vary very much in the amount of excitement they afford2 not differing in this from any other sort of contest4 ,of the last five races1 that of '#ia was the most keenly contested1 though the '#ij race runs it very close4 ,both of them were ding-dong struggles all the way1 now one boat and then the other taking the lead1 and neither of them were really won till the post was passed4 ,closer finishes have been known1 though hardly beating these in point of excitement during the race itself4 ,the well-known dead heat of '#gg is an instance2 on which occasion legend hath it that the ancient umpire had been regaling himself hard by1 and arrived on the scene as the boats shot by the post1 too flustered to take any very accurate observations4 ,however1 as both crews were pretty confident that they had won1 his decision displayed no small share of that low cunning that used to make a successful umpire4 ,but all things have an end4 ,the long training is passed1 and you are seated in the boat4 ,the race gets finished1 one way or the other1 and you are seated at the festive board4 ,the dinner vanishes from the table1 and you wake up next morning feeling very glad when you remember you can stop an hour longer in bed4 ,and the vision of an editor is at hand to hint that these reminiscences must not prove an exception to the general rule1 but must also come to a conclusion4 ,illustration ,,the ,,idlers ,,club ,is ,childhood the ,happiest or the most ,miserable ,period of ,one's ,existence8 ,sidenote3 ,g4 ,r4 ,sims says it depends upon the child4 ,it depends so much upon the child4 ,as a child1 my greatest delight was to give swagger dinner parties to my brothers and sisters in the nursery on winter afternoons1 when we could not go out4 ,the principal delicacy in these entertainments was an orange sorbet specially prepared by my own hands4 ,here is the recipe4 ,squeeze into a small cup the juice of half an orange1 fill up with snow1 scraped from the outside window sill1 and serve cold4 ,now1 although the preparation of this delightful delicacy gave me an immense amount of happiness1 ,i could rarely induce any grown-up people to partake of it4 ,then there was a wine which always graced the table at our nursery feasts4 ,we called it currant wine1 and made it by putting a handful of grocer's currants into a wineglass1 filling up with cold water1 and stirring the mixture up with a piece of firewood until the liquid was a rich brown4 ,i have often1 in later life1 paid fifteen shillings for a bottle of champagne1 and not felt half so happy over it as ,i used to be over a teaspoonful of our own home-made currant wine4 ,in these matters childhood was the happiest period of my life4 ,with regard to the enjoyment of games1 ,i never played many as a child1 but as a man ,i have derived the greatest possible pleasure from them4 ,i never learned to skip till ,i was thirty1 and at thirty-five my greatest delight was a game of battledore and shuttlecock4 ,now that ,i am turned forty ,i have given up violent exercise1 and taken to playing with boxes of bricks and tin soldiers4 ,i am sure that ,i am far happier with them1 now1 than ,i was as a child4 ,in my old nursery days ,i always quarrelled with my brothers and sisters about our toys1 and we generally finished up by throwing them at each other4 ,now ,i can sit on the floor in the long winter evenings and perform the most wonderful architectural feats with my box of bricks1 and nobody thinks of interfering with me4 ,with my soldiers1 too1 ,i am much happier4 ,i can place the ,french and ,german armies in battle array1 and devote my mind entirely to complex strategical operations without having to keep one eye on the armies and the other on the baby4 ,our baby was always putting my soldiers in his mouth2 and1 on one occasion1 he completely crippled the ,russian forces by swallowing their only general at a critical moment4 ,so far as toys are concerned ,i am sure that childhood was not the happiest period of my life4 ,the real charm of childhood1 however1 is its lack of the sense of responsibility4 ,it is the sense of responsibility which comes with manhood that destroys the charm of life1 and makes us think of our irresponsible childhood with regret4 ,a child hasn't to trouble about the rent1 or the butcher's bill1 or of what the world will think of it1 or of the duties it owes to society1 to the family1 or to itself4 ,at the cost of a few tears or a sustained shriek it can get almost anything it wants1 and it is waited on hand and foot at somebody else's expense4 ,it has absolutely no responsibility beyond being occasionally left alone in the nursery with a little brother or sister1 with instructions to see that baby doesn't fall into the fire4 ,this1 bar the bother of having to grab the baby violently by the hair to keep it from mischief1 is ideal happiness2 and ,i have known some children to whom the hair grabbing was a pleasure rather than a duty4 ,it is the responsibility which comes with age which always causes us to compare it unfavourably with childhood4 ,in another matter1 manhood compares favourably with childhood4 ,a man can be as naughty as he likes1 and there is nobody to whip him unless he is a garrotter4 ,childhood is not the happiest period for those who like to be naughty1 and naughtiness is the general idea of happiness4 ,if it were not so everybody would try to be good4 ,up to the time of going to press no really popular movement in that direction has been discovered by ,reuter or ,dalziel1 or our own correspondent4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,miss ,clo ,graves thinks it an unpleasant period4 ,the first thing a baby does is to howl4 ,if that child knew that he had got a joyous1 gamesome time before him1 he wouldn't4 ,he would smile4 ,but one of the most endearing characteristics of childhood is its candour1 and the baby knows that croup lies waiting round the corner to seize him by the throat1 that thrush lurks in the imperfectly-washed feeding-bottle1 that wind-spasms and teething convulsions only wait their opportunity to mark him for their prey1 and so he howls3 ,ah6 7,a pant47 ,ah-ha6 ,,ah6 7,a pause to gather forces47 ,ah-ha6 ,ah-ha6 ,ah-ha6 ,ah6 ,,ah6 ,e',,ee6 7,fortissimo1 crescendo1 and ad libitum47 ,the nurse will be likely to say it is a pin1 but it is not4 ,it is because the baby guesses what it has got to go through before it grows up4 ,if ever it grows up at all4 ,there is a period between childhood and maturity of which one doesn't want to write4 ,no man likes to remember that he was once a long-legged1 red-wristed hobbledehoy1 who drowned his freckles in blushes when girls1 who did not happen to be his sisters1 looked at him1 and shaved surreptitiously with his mother's scissors4 ,no woman cares about looking back to the days when she had thick ankles1 which her skirts were not long enough to cover2 when she wore her hair in a pigtail1 because she was too old to wear it loose upon her shoulders1 and too young to turn it up2 when the front hooks and eyes of her frock were always bursting off1 and her sister's sweethearts used to call her little girl4 ,a humiliating experience altogether1 the period of adolescence4 ,but more humiliating still it is to be a mature1 grown-up person1 and know how far off you are from being the wonderful creature you intended to be1 when you began the world4 ,you did not contemplate being exactly beautiful--it is not for everyone to achieve that--but you meant to be commanding4 ,you were going to do everything well3 to succeed gloriously--to be distinguished and brilliant--knock lumps off this poor old globe1 in fact4 ,and now--well--you haven't6 ,the clay you're made of is the ordinary kind3 not the blue earth diamonds grow in4 ,you might make up for your absolute lack of individuality by a brilliant suicide4 ,but you don't4 ,you're too commonplace4 ,you're contented to go on being nobody4 ,this may be a calm state1 but it is certainly not a happy one4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,but there are exceptions4 ,and yet there is a childhood which is1 maybe1 the happiest period of our existence4 ,not the time of the shining morning face--of the curled top-knot--for to the excoriating action of the soaped towel was due that facial polish1 and the twisting of the damped hair around the long-tailed ivory brush was attended with the shedding of bitter tears of rage and pain4 ,but the second edition of the ,book of ,infancy1 bound in shrivelled yellow leather and printed in faded ink4 ,the world1 say the slippered pantaloon and the mumbling grandame1 was a fine place when we were young4 ,and what is more1 they really believe it4 ,he was strong1 fascinating and handsome--she was clever and beautiful4 ,both may say so as often as they like1 and everybody credits them--because they are so old4 ,comple et amur illam et amemus3 plena est voluptatis si illa scias uti4 ,come1 gentle ,dotage6 ,shade me with thy kindly wing1 lend me thy rose-coloured horn-glasses6 ,let me view the ,past1 not as it was1 but as ,i would have had it4 ,so shall the children cluster round my knee1 and listen1 wide-eyed and envying1 as ,i tell them of the golden days of my childhood1 and the young people sigh1 hearing of the brave and brilliant1 beautiful and noble things that never happened in the bygone time when ,i was young4 ,only the middle-aged folk look a little doubtful1 and ,death1 leaning over the back of my armchair1 laughs outright1 and taps me--as a reproving nurse might--on the withered lips with one bony finger-tip4 ,after which ,i fall asleep1 and am carried away to bed4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,alden philosophises4 ,i have not been a child for several years2 it is unnecessary to mention the precise number1 but ,i have a clear recollection of the period4 ,my childhood was certainly happy1 so far as ,i was personally concerned1 but ,i will not go so far as to say that it was a source of unmixed happiness to others4 ,as to whether childhood is the happiest or the most miserable part of our existence1 there is so much to be said on both sides that ,i am almost inclined to answer the question in a judicious and statesmanlike way1 by saying that ,i yield to no one in my profound appreciation of the wide-reaching importance of the question1 and that the day will certainly come when the awakened conscience of the nation will demand its settlement in accordance with right and justice4 ,when that time arrives ,i need hardly say that ,i shall be found on the side of justice1 but ,i am not yet wholly convinced that the time has fully arrived4 ,in the meantime1 however1 ,i do not hesitate to say that in those cases where childhood is happier than mature age there can be but little doubt among thinking men of all shades of belief that maturity is1 in some respects1 at least less demonstrably happy than childhood4 ,now that would be eminently judicious1 but1 on the other hand1 it would look like an underhanded attempt to introduce politics into the ,idler4 ,it will be better1 therefore1 to treat the subject in a philosophic way4 ,the question which the ,editors of the ,idler ask is1 after all1 a question as to the relative advantages of ,idealism and ,realism--spelled with the largest kind of capital letters4 ,the small boy is ordinarily an ,idealist1 unless1 of course1 he belongs to the unhappy class of small boys who have to earn their own living when they ought to be at play1 and who1 having no time for dreaming1 become ,realists of the most hardened and painful type4 ,in the former case the small boy is happy1 for he lives in a world of his own creation1 and for the purpose of happiness such a world is far better than the actual world4 ,in the latter case he is generally more or less unhappy1 for he is compelled to see the world as it really is1 and he finds it not all nice4 ,the realistic small boy can have very little true happiness4 ,fancy ,m4 ,zola's childhood3 assuming1 of course1 that he was then a ,realist1 which he probably was not1 judging from the fact that he is only a ,realist professionally at the present day4 ,to the childish ,zola1 life must have presented itself as a series of human documents4 ,he saw things as they were1 not as a small boy should see them4 ,he could have had no genuine longings for a life of piracy1 for he saw that the pirate1 instead of being a gorgeously-dressed and nobly-chivalrous hero1 was only a brutal ruffian travelling on the road to ,execution ,dock4 ,tin soldiers could have brought him no happiness1 for he knew that they were only lifeless bits of tin1 as incapable of fighting as the army of ,monaco4 ,it gave him no pleasure to be dressed in a pasteboard helmet and to wear a tin sword1 for he knew that grown-up people would not mistake him for a soldier2 and that a blue flannel shirt1 and a cap with the name of some frigate on a silk ribbon1 would not lead foreigners to believe that he was a ,french admiral at the age of seven4 ,he may have found some little pleasure in playing marbles--not1 of course1 for the sake of that silly game1 but for the reason that marbles are portable property1 and that the more marbles a boy wins the richer he is--but for all other boyish diversions he must have felt a profound contempt4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,and doesn't know4 ,beyond all doubt ,m4 ,zola would say that he is happier to-day 7with ,nana in its #aejth thousand7 than he was in his childhood1 but that is because his childhood was devoid of ,idealism4 ,on the other hand1 if ,i may be pardoned for mentioning myself in the same paragraph with the greatest novelist of all time1 my own childhood was happy because ,i lived purely in a world of the imagination4 ,there never was a bolder or more truly noble pirate than ,i was during the hour of the ,sunday sermon1 when ,i whiled away the good clergyman's discourse by sweeping the seas in my piratical schooner1 and harrowing the ,spanish ,main4 ,my tin soldiers were flesh and blood heroes1 my kites flew nearly to the outer limits of the solar system1 and ,i never quite lost the belief that ,i could dig a tunnel to ,china with the kitchen fire-shovel1 had the cook only had sufficient scientific zeal to be willing to lend it to me for a few hours4 ,i was very happy then1 but ,i am equally happy now4 ,i have never got over the ,idealism of my childhood1 and ,i make my own political and social world to-day quite as irrationally and delightfully as ,i did eighty--well1 when ,i was a child4 ,i do find1 ,i admit1 that one cannot be an ,idealist in financial matters1 which is1 after all1 the main source of unhappiness in mature life1 but if you ask me whether ,i was happier in childhood than ,i am now1 ,i should not know how to answer4 ,all of which goes to show that ,i might have done better if ,i had stuck to the safe and judicious in my attempted answer1 instead of yielding to the temptation to be philosophical4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,miss ,florence ,marryat thinks it the most miserable4 ,if ,i am to choose one1 or the other1 extreme1 ,i should say decidedly the most miserable1 and made so by the folly1 ignorance1 or neglect of parents4 ,not one-hundredth part of the men and women who marry are fit to become fathers and mothers4 ,who does not pity the wretched little mortal whom one meets1 dressed up in some fantastic or grotesque costume1 to gratify the vanity of those who own it1 forbidden to run or play1 for fear of spoiling the velvet tunic1 or silken sash--unable to be comfortable even1 on account of buttoned boots and kid gloves8 ,a child is simply a young animal4 ,give it warmth and food and liberty1 and it will be happy and hungry and healthy6 ,to dress it up in the fashion1 and let it be dragged at the heels of an indifferent nursemaid along a pavement1 is tantamount to confining a puppy by a heavy chain to a kennel4 ,i believe the greatest misery of children arises from their being so culpably trusted to the care of servants4 ,a fashionable mother engages a head-nurse1 who is well-mannered1 respectful1 and experienced1 and thereupon delivers over her children to her entire jurisdiction1 perfectly content if they appear before her1 at stated periods1 clean and neat1 with smiling faces4 ,she little knows how 7in the majority of instances7 the poor little creatures are coerced1 by nursery discipline1 not to betray their real feelings for the woman who has them under her influence day and night4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,and gives the reason why4 ,at one time1 when ,i walked daily in ,hyde ,park1 ,i constantly met a nurse whose behaviour to the children under her charge excited my greatest indignation4 ,if one of the little ones lagged behind with the nursemaid1 or whimpered1 because it was cold or tired1 the head-nurse would shake it by the arm1 or strike it across the head with such violence as to upset its equilibrium1 and her voice at all times was harsh and repellent4 ,i knew it would be useless to speak to her1 but one day ,i followed her home to a house in ,park ,lane1 and1 sending up my card1 asked if ,i could speak to the mistress of it4 ,the flunky informed me she was ,lady--let us say1 the ,lord knows who--and ,i was presently admitted to her presence4 ,i did not stand on ceremony with ,lady the ,lord knows who4 ,i told her ,i made no excuse for disturbing her1 because if she loved her children she would be very much obliged to me for telling her1 from my personal observation1 that she had 7unconsciously no doubt7 trusted them to the care of a woman who was not fit to take charge of a dog4 ,her ladyship heard me to the end1 and then1 rising grandly1 touched the bell for her flunky and said1 ,many thanks for the trouble you have taken1 but ,i have the utmost confidence in my attendants4 ,and so ,i was bowed out again4 ,how many parents live with the little children they have brought into the world8 ,how many teach them1 or explain to them1 all they want to know8 ,it is too much trouble6 ,all that sort of thing is delegated to hirelings4 ,how often has one heard an intelligent child snubbed for the very questioning which should be encouraged6 ,the bright1 eager little brain1 just opening1 as it were1 to all the wonders of living1 is bursting to know the why and wherefore of everything it sees1 and for answer to its excited enquiries it only gets such rebuffs as ,don't worry6 ,hold your tongue6 ,if you don't behave yourself ,i'll send you out of the room4 ,which of us who have brains cannot remember the heart-sickening feeling of having in some unconscious manner done wrong by asking questions which our elders were probably too ignorant to answer8 ,and then followed the intense longing to be grown-up1 and independent4 ,can't we all remember that longing to be grown-up8 ,is it not in itself an answer to the question if childhood is not a miserable period1 except perhaps for a favoured few8 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,phillpotts temporises4 ,i fail to see how you can assert or deny upon this question4 ,there are thousands of happy children in the world1 and thousands as miserable as any grown-up person4 ,it depends entirely upon those responsible for the individual infant2 and a babe's environment is really unimportant1 because1 before intelligence sets in1 a child wants little more than warmth and good food1 and general looking after4 ,at that early period the human young are on much the same level as cats and dogs4 ,my dog is just as happy as the ,prince of ,wales's ,pomeranian1 because ,i satisfy him2 social distinction has no charm for him2 bones and literary society are sufficient for a creature devoid of conscious intelligence4 ,in the same way an infant may be happy at a workhouse1 perhaps even more so than in a ,park ,lane nursery--if there are such things as ,park ,lane nurseries4 ,but it is when intellect dawns1 and a child is able himself to say whether he is happy or unhappy1 that he becomes interesting4 ,then1 as before1 his measure of joy or sorrow must depend upon those fellow-creatures who form his society4 ,probably the rule that obtains of men and women holds good of children also3 the less brain power the more happiness4 ,intellect--especially a growing intellect--will give a child lightning flashes of joy denied to his more thick-headed brother2 but much sorrow must also result from his extra intelligence4 ,if he rises higher1 he will sink far lower1 too4 ,the placid1 ordinary youth thinks less1 and digests his food better1 and has a pleasanter time1 on the whole4 ,a sensitive child feels with a keen freshness that only years can blunt4 ,to see some fool of a man crushing a clever child is heart-rending4 ,by curious1 misguided instincts1 children always look up to their full-grown companions2 and the result is1 that any adult ass can nip in the bud precious childish fancies1 or make fatuous and crushing replies to childish inquiries1 which show in themselves the trembling dawn of an intellect far superior to his own4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,and says that clever men loathe childhood4 ,as a rule1 you will find that clever men look back at their childhood with lively loathing1 while the average ,briton1 if ,heaven has given him enough memory to recall his earliest youth at all1 says that it was all right as far as he can remember4 ,in my own small case 7and1 after all1 personal experience is never uninteresting--to the person71 ,i can say that until ,i went to a day-school at the age of seven1 or it may have been less1 ,i had a fairly good time4 ,open air has a great deal to do with happiness in a child--open air and plenty of wholesome food1 and satisfactory parents4 ,not that the victim cares overmuch for rice-puddings or a good mother2 but these things leave their mark4 ,as to mothers1 ,i should say they have got more men and women into ,heaven than any bishop1 priest1 deacon1 or professional ,churchman whatsoever4 ,personally1 ,i am still here1 and should be the last to make sure of anything1 or count my own chickens before they are hatched1 but ,i have the privilege of knowing men and women1 to the number of at least five1 who are undoubtedly bound for ,golden ,shores2 and it was their mothers' doing in every case4 ,fathers1 too1 have their significance1 but it is purely temporal1 and never much concerns an infant until the child reaches that advanced platform of intelligence whereon questions concerning pocket-money arise4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,mrs4 ,panton thinks it ought to be the happiest4 ,there would be no difficulty whatever in replying to the question1 if it runs1 ,should childhood be the happiest or most miserable period of our existence8 because1 ,i am sure1 we should one and all agree that it most certainly should3 for we have no cares then1 no responsibilities2 our clean pinafores are worn without the least notice of what they cost to wash2 our dinners1 if unappetising1 are regular1 and1 if they are not paid for1 do not weigh upon either our minds or our bodies2 while we neither look forward nor backward1 and enjoy our existence from day to day with all the freedom from care and anxiety which1 we suppose1 characterises the life of a puppy or a kitten4 ,but all this presupposes that we are not in the group of tyrants1 either in the nursery1 schoolroom1 or dining-room1 and that those who have charge of us remember their own days of childhood3 recollect all the dreams1 threats1 and fancies which can turn them into a period of absolute torture2 and1 above all1 consider that a child is not a sheet of plain blank paper1 but that it is a composite arrangement of all the ancestors that one can remember1 and of many that one cannot3 for unless this is so1 no words of mine can describe the misery that can be inflicted on a sensitive1 dreamy child1 who1 to a certain extent1 is heavily handicapped in the race of life by the feeble vitality which1 as a rule1 accompanies such a disposition1 and who all too often is made a liar by harsh dealing1 and an invalid in life by the hardening process1 so dear to the hearts of so many fathers1 mothers1 and governesses4 ,if1 on the contrary1 a child is carefully studied--if it be regarded as one by itself and not a sample of a batch1 which must be just as are its brothers and sisters--,i maintain that childhood must be the very happiest time that we can have3 the dreams and happenings1 which fill our nights and days1 make both equally delightful1 while if we are tired to death by lessons and the daily walk1 we soon grow out of this1 because we can build our own castles in the air out of the driest possible task1 and make long and elaborate romances for ourselves out of the--most likely very commonplace--people we meet on our morning scamper4 ,then1 too1 was there not the never-to-be-forgotten joy of the yearly visit to the sea1 and an equally well-loved return to our usual routine in ,london1 to say nothing of the fascinations of making up one's mind on the subject of what one was going to be1 and how one was to benefit and astonish a world that up to the present time has not seemed quite to come up to our expectations on the subject8 ,undoubtedly then ,i say1 if the child is in proper hands1 that childhood is the happiest time we can possibly have4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,barry ,pain says childish happiness is a delusion4 ,i have never understood the feelings of those who are sorry that they are full-grown4 ,to different children there is1 of course1 a different childhood2 but1 as a rule1 the happiness of childhood is a delusion1 and the peace of the perambulator a myth4 ,i believe that any brave and intelligent man can count on the fingers of one hand the things that would really hurt him seriously2 the longer you live1 the more you realise how few things are really important4 ,but the troubles of childhood are numberless4 ,the agony of terror is alone enough to make childhood the most miserable part of one's existence4 ,the dead came out of their graves and walked into my nursery by night2 ,i dared not open my eyes lest ,i should see them4 ,there was a waiting figure behind every curtain in dim-lit passages4 ,there were pictures in books that haunted me2 ,i knew two or three of them well--,i knew the page on which they came4 ,i opened the book and turned almost up to the dreaded page1 and then waited2 but ,i had to go on always4 ,i had to see the eyes staring into mine1 and the lips writhing4 ,then ,i shut the book quickly1 and went away to do something or other that would take my mind away from the picture4 ,i am glad that ,i am grown-up2 ,i should not care to endure such maddening terrors again4 ,i was far too much ashamed of them then to speak of them2 that made them worse4 ,i think that no one who1 as a child1 was afraid of the dark1 would look back upon childhood as the pleasantest period of his life4 ,and1 if a child has more troubles than a man1 he undoubtedly has fewer pleasures4 ,a child's pleasures are mostly due to its love of acquisition1 its vanity1 or its appetite being temporarily satisfied4 ,from its natural affection for its parents or friends--if that affection is very strong--it gets far more suffering than pleasure4 ,any man of average intelligence can do better than that2 he has work that interests him1 books1 or music1 or pictures that mean far more to him than any child's pleasure means to the child4 ,it is easy to love children2 one of the chief reasons is that pity is akin to love4 ,and on this question of the unhappiness of childhood1 ,i would sooner trust a man's memory than a child's direct statement4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,barr is sorry for the small boy4 ,the small boy1 poor little chap1 lives under the most galling despotism that exists on the face of the earth4 ,there is no court of appeal for him4 ,his father is at once his judge1 his opposing counsel1 his public prosecutor1 as it were1 his jailer1 and his executioner4 ,every man is a natural tyrant4 ,it has taken centuries of bloodshed and martyrdom on the part of the oppressed to obtain even the poor semblance of liberty that we flatter ourselves we possess4 ,kings have been beheaded1 thrones have been overturned1 cities have been given to the flames1 and countries have suffered pillage and rapine1 all to knock it into the head of that tyrannical brute1 man1 that1 on the whole1 it is better not to force his despotism on his fellow-creatures4 ,yet1 human nature has not changed in the least1 and where man has full sway1 he is as much a tyrant to-day as he was five hundred years ago4 ,nations have been emancipated1 but the kingdom of which the small boy is a subject remains what it always was4 ,nature1 who is a well-meaning blunderer1 has tried to set things right1 first by planting some natural affection for his small boy into the stony heart of the parent1 and1 second1 by making the small boy himself an optimist4 ,happily1 there is always a silver lining to the cloud that hovers over the small boy1 even when the cane is descending upon him4 ,trifles please the poor little fellow and help him to forget the gloom which surrounds him4 ,coventry ,patmore1 in that most touching poem1 ,the ,toys1 tells of a father who struck his motherless son1 and sent him weeping to bed1 and1 being tardily remorseful1 the father looked at the sleeping boy1 whose undried tears were still on his cheek1 and found that before going to sleep the stricken lad had arranged his trivial toys1 all the cherished possessions of his pocket1 so that his eyes might rest on them to comfort his sad heart4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,but the future small boy will have still more trouble4 ,the small boy does not gain much when he exchanges the tyranny of the home for the tyranny of the school4 ,the schoolmaster is naturally a despot1 but he is a despot1 limited4 ,to make up for any advantages accruing from the master's limitations1 the urchin has to put up with the bullying of the big boy4 ,possibly there are teachers who have human feelings1 as far as the small boy is concerned4 ,we read of such persons in books like ,tom ,brown's ,schooldays1 but it must not be forgotten that these books are works of fiction4 ,the lad who wrote that his master was a beast1 but a just beast1 may not have been exceptionally lucky1 but it is sad to think that the small boy often comes under the dominion of beasts who are not just4 ,but even if masters were all that could be desired1 think of the amount of perfectly useless knowledge that a small boy is expected to acquire4 ,how happy was the small boy of #ajfe compared with the small boy of #ahic4 ,when ,william the ,conqueror1 with a man's usual heedlessness of the comfort of small boys1 came over in #ajff and popularised that date1 he inaugurated a long succession of useless dates that the small boy is compelled to learn4 ,every monarch has had four figures attached to him1 like a picture in an exhibition4 ,yet was there ever a man stopped in the streets of ,london1 and suddenly confronted with the question1 ,what year did ,henry ,,viii4 come to the throne8 ,certainly not4 ,a man would be considered insane who expected any rational being to burden his mind with such trivialities4 ,yet the small boy is caned if he doesn't know4 ,the only consolation ,i can offer the unfortunate small boy of to-day is that it will be ever so much worse for the small boy born #cjjj years from now4 ,every day1 objectionable and thoughtless men are discovering new things4 ,then dates will keep accumulating just as they have always been in the habit of doing4 ,possibly a new specimen of that detestable type of humanity1 ,euclid1 will arise1 and perhaps some conscienceless villain may invent a more complicated system of mathematics than algebra4 ,you never can tell what may happen in #cjjj years4 ,so the small boy of #ahic may congratulate himself that he is not the small boy of #dhic4 99 99 99 99 99 ,sidenote3 ,mrs4 ,fenwick ,miller thinks it depends upon the parents4 ,childhood ought to be the happiest period of humanity's course2 for children are free from the two great sources of grief and wretchedness--the struggle for money and the consciousness of sex4 ,the children of the poor know a want of many comforts1 but this is not a source of unhappiness4 ,absolute necessities of life1 the only true wants of childhood1 are so few1 and all that is really needed by anybody apart from custom or imagination is so cheap1 that ,i do not think that more than a small minority of children are unhappy from actual want4 ,but we1 their elders1 painfully and acutely want a thousand things because we have tasted them1 or because we have imaginations developed to fancy effectively how we should enjoy them2 and then we must needs try to get them1 and make ourselves wretched in the furious effort after satisfying our desires1 and more wretched still because we don't fully succeed4 ,if we could take life as children in this respect1 actively wanting only absolute necessaries1 and not having to ourselves strive for even the money by which that minimum of wants is to be supplied1 would not most of our troubles of this actual moment vanish8 ,those that remained1 would they not nearly all 7given health7 hang on the tragic fact of sex8 ,oh1 that garden of ,gethsemane of humanity1 with its blighted seedlings and its blasted blossoms6 ,how keen are its sorrows of desires ungratified and desires satiated--its cruel losses and its yet more cruel relics that will remain4 ,oh1 that dreadful fact of sex1 with its emotional agonies1 its moral problems1 its intellectual interruptions1 its social burdens1 and only too often its physical pangs--if we were rid1 as children are1 of all that1 and of the struggle for means to meet the daily material wants1 should we not be fairly happy8 ,then childhood1 free of all this1 must needs be the happiest time of life6